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Scene: The cafeteria.
Leonard: They are not.
Raj: They are, too.
Leonard: Your hypothesis is completely disconfirmed by all the data. You're just clinging to it out of intellectual stubbornness.
Raj: No, you're displaying a shocking ignorance of the subject matter. Mummies and zombies are the exact same thing.
Leonard: Oh, yeah? Mummies are wrapped in bandages.
Raj: That's called a fashion choice.
Leonard: All right, you brought this on yourself. Sheldon, get him.
Sheldon: If a zombie bites you, you turn into a zombie. However, if a mummy bites you, all you turn into is some schmo with a mummy bite. So, like a zombie, that's been eaten from the waist down, you, sir, have no leg to stand on.
Leonard: Good boy. Here's a cookie.
Sheldon: Oh, thank you.
Howard: Hey, fellas, what's going on?
Leonard: Oh, mummies and zombies again.
Howard: Oh, they're not the same thing.
Leonard: You get a cookie, too.
Howard: Thanks. Guess who picked up his new car this morning?
Raj: Congratulations. Does it have that new car smell?
Howard: Yep. For as long as I can keep my mother out of it. If you want to check it out later, it's parked right out front, space 294.
Sheldon: I'm sorry, 294?
Howard: Yeah.
Sheldon: That's my parking spot.
Raj: Why do you have a parking spot? You don't have a car. You don't even drive.
Sheldon: It doesn't matter. That's my spot.
Leonard: Maybe they reassigned it because you never use it.
Sheldon: Well, I'm not using my nipples, either. Maybe they should reassign those.
Howard: Sheldon, someday, if you get a car, I'm sure they'll give you another parking space.
Sheldon: I don't want another parking space. I want my parking space. It's perfect. It's a corner spot, cutting the risk of door-dings in half. It's a mere 28 steps from the building entrance. The nearby tree provides shade on hot days and is also home to a delightful squirrel. Which is fortuitous because most squirrels are real jerks.
Howard: Fun story. Meanwhile, you still don't have a car.
Sheldon: Don't try to change the subject. This is about a parking space. It has nothing to do with cars.
Howard: Are you listening to yourself?
Sheldon: I always listen to myself. It's one of the great joys of my life. Now, get your car out of my spot.
Howard: Nope.
Sheldon: Very well. You leave me no choice.
Scene: The parking spot. Sheldon is trying to push Howard's car out of the spot.
Sheldon: What are you looking at, you stupid squirrel? Credits sequence.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon (on phone): President Siebert, listen to reason. Yeah, I understand I don't use the parking spot, but that's not the point. I... Yes, I'm aware you told me not to call you at home, but you didn't answer the door. And I know you were there, because I saw you through the mail slot. Yeah, well, that's some salty language. May I remind you that you're the president of a major university, not the president of the Potty Mouth Club. There it is again. Do you kiss your mother with that mouth? Oh, well, I'm sorry for your loss. Good night, sir. Unbelievable. He says Wolowitz deserves my spot because he's a high-profile asset to the university.
Leonard: Well, he's not wrong. Howard did go to the International Space Station.
Sheldon: Yeah, that was five weeks ago. How much longer is he gonna milk that cow?
Leonard: Sheldon, let it go. It's not a big deal.
Sheldon: No, no, this is a slippery slope, Leonard. It starts with a parking space, where does it end? It's like my dad always said, first they say you can't drink and drive, next thing you know, you can't let your 10-year-old take the wheel while you sleep one off in the backseat.
Leonard: All that story does is make me feel bad for your mother.
Sheldon: Leonard, you're my best friend. Why don't you ever take my side?
Leonard: Because I can never understand your side.
Scene: Sheldon's office.
Howard: Give it back.
Sheldon: I'm sorry, but could you be more specific?
Howard: My Iron Man helmet. Koothrappali saw you take it. Give it back.
Sheldon: Oh, that. Well, see, I wanted it, and you weren't using it. Apparently, those are the rules we live by now. Payback, it truly is the B word, isn't it?
Howard: Sheldon, that is a five hundred dollar limited edition collectible, and I want it back.
Sheldon: I'd love to help you out, but unfortunately (puts helmet on), I'm using it.
Howard: Fine. I'm taking your diploma.
Sheldon: Go ahead. That's the only doctorate you'll ever get. It smells funny in here.
Scene: The apartment stairwell.
Bernadette: We're so proud of you, Amy. Your first bikini wax.
Penny: Yeah. So, how you doing?
Amy: A little sensitive, but not bad. Does it always take that long?
Penny: Uh, no, they usually don't have to go out and get more wax.
Amy: I feel like I'm five pounds lighter.
Bernadette: Really? Only five?
Penny: Hey, anybody want a drink?
Amy: Sure.
Bernadette: Okay. So, did you spend last night hearing about this silly parking space fight, too?
Amy: For hours. Fortunately, I couldn't understand most of it 'cause Sheldon was wearing that stupid robot mask.
Bernadette: Howard was so angry I had to mash up Benadryl in his ice cream to get him to fall asleep.
Amy: I guess this is what we get for being with two testosterone-fueled alpha males. At some point, they're bound to lock horns.
Penny: I'm assuming these are some kind of horns they bought at Comic-Con?
Bernadette: I'm really sorry they took Sheldon's spot away. He shouldn't have to suffer just because Howard's such a big deal now.
Amy: I know, Sheldon should just let Howard have his little moment in the sun.
Bernadette: What's that supposed to mean?
Amy: Well, I mean, Howard's never gonna go to space again, but Sheldon will always be a genius.
Bernadette: You're right. And I'm sure Sheldon will get a fancy parking spot again, if and when he makes a worthwhile contribution to science.
Amy: If and when?
Penny: Okay, maybe we should change the subject. Um, Amy, how are your lady parts? Still chilly down there?
Bernadette: Hang on. None of Sheldon's theories have ever been definitively proven. My husband actually went to outer space.
Amy: That's an impressive accomplishment. He's now an inspiration to millions of Americans who know you don't have to be special or even qualified to go into space.
Penny: You know, I remember the first time I got a bikini wax. My sister did it with melted Crayolas and duct tape. It's a bad idea.
Bernadette: Gosh, Amy. I'm sensing a little hostility. Is it maybe because, like Sheldon's work, your s*x life is also theoretical?
Penny: Damn.
Amy: Yeah, well, at least when we do make love, Sheldon won't be thinking about his mother. And yes, that is a cleverly veiled reference to Howard's lifelong obsession to crawl back into her spacious womb.
Penny: Anyway, to this day, I still can't see a box of crayons without crossing my legs.
Bernadette: I don't have to take this. I'm gonna go home and have s*x with my husband right now. Maybe I'll let him do it to me in the parking spot. Which sounds dirty, but I didn't mean it that way,
Scene: The stairwell.
Raj: Okay, here's another one: If a zombie bites a vampire, and the vampire bites a human, does the human become a vampire or a zombie? Or a zompire?
Leonard: Sheldon?
Sheldon: Cookie.
Leonard: I don't have any.
Sheldon: Well, I'm not giving it away. (Enters apartment. Howard is sitting naked in his spot with a laptop on his lap)
Howard: Hi Sheldon.
Sheldon: He's in my spot. Leonard, make him stop being naked in my spot.
Leonard: Howard, what are you doing?
Howard: He wasn't using it. And I needed a nice cool piece of leather to wiggle my naked ass on.
Sheldon: Get off there.
Howard: Give me back my Iron Man helmet.
Sheldon: Give me back my parking space.
Howard: You don't need a parking space. You don't have a car.
Sheldon: You don't need an Iron Man helmet. You're not Iron Man.
Howard: Well, we appear to have reached an impasse. And you know, I have to say, I thought you'd be more upset that your laptop is sitting on my junk.
Raj: I didn't pick up on that. That's a nice touch.
Leonard: Mmm.
Scene: The parking spot. Sheldon is spraypainting out Howard's name and replacing it with his own.
Amy: This is so exciting. I'm feeling all tingly. Although that could just be my newly defoliated bikini zone.
Sheldon: Keep a lookout. This place is swarming with campus security. They will not hesitate to scold us.
Amy: Freaking pigs.
Sheldon: Oh, yeah. Okay, now, pull your car into the spot and let's get out of here.
Amy: Wait, I'm leaving my car here?
Sheldon: Yes, and be sure and put on the emergency brake. Really makes these things tough to budge.
Amy: Before I park, come in the back seat. I want to show you something I had done today.
Sheldon: All right, colour me intrigued.
Amy: What do you think?
Sheldon: I think you're high on paint fumes. And boy, that's a lot of Band-Aids.
Scene: Amy and Howard's apartment.
Penny: Okay, Howard's mother is in, like, every one of your wedding photos.
Bernadette: What can I tell ya? She's a big girl. Wherever you look, there she is. More coffee?
Penny: No, Leonard's taking me to a physics lecture, and coffee'll just keep me awake. (Knock on door) Oh, I'll get it.
Amy: Oh, looks like someone's on Team Bernadette. Where's Howard?
Bernadette: He's not here. What's wrong?
Amy: He had my car towed. It cost me two hundred dollars to get it back.
Bernadette: Oh, no. Where was it parked?
Amy: In Sheldon's spot.
Bernadette: That doesn't make sense. Sheldon doesn't have a spot. Was it maybe in Howard's spot?
Amy: Don't play dumb with me, sister. You tell your husband he owes me two hundred dollars.
Bernadette: Well, that doesn't make sense, either.
Amy: Why not?
Bernadette: Because I'm the one who had it towed.
Amy: You?
Bernadette: Didn't see that one coming, did ya?
Amy: Oh, yeah? Well, you're not gonna see this coming. (Swings handbag. Bernadette ducks. Penny is hit in the face)
Penny: Ow! Ow!
Amy: Oh, my God,
Bernadette: Are you okay?!
Penny: You idiot, what the hell do you have in there?!
Amy: Just my wallet, keys and a coffee can full of change I've been meaning to take to the bank.
Bernadette: Don't move. I'll get some ice.
Amy: Are you okay?
Penny: Get away from me or I swear to God I will rip out what's left of your pubes!
Bernadette: Here.
Penny: Thanks. Ah!
Bernadette: Amy, you think maybe this has gotten a little out of hand?
Penny: Gee, you think?
Amy: I do. Penny, Bernadette and I are sorry.
Bernadette: You hit her! What did I do?
Amy: You had my car towed.
Bernadette: You were parked in Howard's spot.
Amy: I was parked in Sheldon's spot.
Bernadette: Sheldon doesn't have a spot.
Penny: Guys, I think I need to go to the emergency room.
Bernadette: Okay, let's go.
Amy: I'll drive. You can see where the tow truck scratched my car.
Bernadette: The tow truck didn't scratch your car.
Amy: How do you know?
Bernadette: 'Cause I did it!
[SCENE_BREAK]
Scene: The parking spot. Sheldon has set up his office in it.
Sheldon: Morning, Professor Stevens. Don't look at that whiteboard. That's my math, not your math. Keep walking, nosey.
Howard: What the hell are you doing?
Sheldon: Oh. You said I'm not using my space, so I'm using it.
Howard: Okay, you need to move now.
Sheldon: No, I don't.
Howard: You can't stay there forever.
Sheldon: Actually, I have a plastic baggy strapped to my leg that says I can. Give up, Wolowitz. You've chosen to tangle with a superior intellect you can't defeat. There is nothing you could possibly do to... (Howard starts sounding his horn. Sheldon puts on earphones)
Howard: Those aren't gonna help you, Sheldon,
Sheldon: Oh, yes, they are. I mean, what?
Howard: I'm warning you, Sheldon!
Sheldon: Your threats are empty, nothing can move me. (Howard starts pushing his chair with the front of the car) Stop that.
Howard: Get out of my spot.
Sheldon: No. That's it. I am calling campus security. You prepare for the scolding of your life.
Leonard: What are you idiots doing?
Sheldon: He's trying to kill me, Leonard. Video games and rock music have desensitized him to violence.
Howard: Would you please talk some sense into your lunatic roommate?
Leonard: You're both acting like lunatics. It's just a parking spot.
Howard: It's not just a parking spot. He can't handle the fact that I'm a bigger deal than he is now.
Sheldon: Oh, preposterous. I have been solely responsible for this university's six loop quantum gravity calculations, I have changed the way we think about Bose-Einstein condensates, and I am also the one who got Nutter Butters in the cafeteria vending machine. Maybe you missed that news while you were floating around like a goof in outer space. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have work to do.
Howard: Can you believe this guy?
Leonard: What I don't believe is that you tried to run him over.
Howard: Oh, like you've never thought of doing that. Don't hate me just because I lived the dream. (Horn beeps. Sheldon is sitting naked in Howard's car.)
Sheldon: Hey, sweet ride.
Howard: What are you doing in there?
Sheldon: Just breaking in your new car.
Howard: Stop that. You stop that.
Sheldon: You know what they say? Revenge is a dish best served nude.
Scene: Sheldon's office.
Raj: Hey, got a minute?
Sheldon: Oh, of course, come in. (Raj opens door to reveal Howard) This is an authentic Chinese throwing star, and I must warn you, I have seen many people throw them in movies.
Raj: Calm down. Howard has something he wants to say to you.
Howard: All right. Sheldon, when this whole thing with the parking space started, I had no idea just how much of a crazy b*st*rd...
Raj: Howard, that's not how we practiced it.
Howard: I had no idea how much that spot meant to you. Anyway, I called President Siebert and told him it's not worth fighting over the spot, so you keep it, and I'll park in the structure across the street.
Sheldon: Well, Howard, thank you. It's quite a gesture on your part. You've shown yourself to be the bigger man.
Howard: Thank you.
Sheldon: Which I find totally unacceptable. I must be the bigger man. Therefore, you may use my spot until such time as I learn to drive or get a Batmobile.
Howard: Wow, okay. Well, thanks. I don't know what to say.
Sheldon: There is nothing to say. Except I'm the bigger man. I'm not kidding. Say it.
Raj: Just say it.
Howard: You're the bigger man, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Oh, stop. And I believe this is yours. FYI, if you wear that into a bank, they will tackle you to the ground.
Scene: The cheesecake factory.
Howard: I'd like to propose a toast, to burying the hatchet.
Sheldon: To burying the hatchet.
Bernadette: You know, I'm kind of glad this happened.
Amy: Me, too. In some weird way, I kind of feel like it brought us closer. Penny (with two black eyes and a plaster across her nose): Yeah, everybody's happy, great.
Scene: A dry cleaners.
Shopkeeper: Can I help you?
Sheldon: Yes. According to information I gleaned from Yelp, you had great success when a santeriasuzy37 brought you a pair of leather slacks stained with chicken blood. I believe I may have a similar problem. This cushion experienced a nude revenge wiggle.
Shopkeeper: A what?
Sheldon: A naked man sat on it. Now, here's my concern, his diet is rich in fatty deli meats. What test do you have to detect lipid residue?
Shopkeeper: Lipid what?
Sheldon: Lipid residue. An a**l autograph. A colon calling card, if you will.
Shopkeeper: Tuesday okay?
Sheldon: Don't rush it. We may be dealing with befoulment on a molecular level.
Shopkeeper: Let me write you a ticket.
Sheldon: Is that your son?
Shopkeeper: Uh-huh.
Sheldon: Looks like that laptop's seen better days. If you're interested, I'm selling this. It's only two years old, 16 gigabytes of RAM, Intel core i7 processor, and I can personally guarantee it has spent less than 20 minutes resting on an astronaut's pen1s. | Plan: A: his space mission money; Q: Where did Howard buy his new car? A: Sheldon's unused parking spot; Q: What is Howard assigned when he buys a new car? A: Sheldon; Q: Who takes Howard's Iron Man helmet and sits naked in his car? A: a bitter feud; Q: What does Sheldon begin with Howard? A: Sheldon's framed diploma; Q: What does Howard take from Sheldon? A: Sheldon's laptop; Q: What did Howard use to gloat? A: The feud; Q: What does Raj mediate to end? A: their partners; Q: Who did the feud draw in? A: Amy; Q: Who helped Sheldon rename the parking spot? A: Bernadette; Q: Who had Howard's car towed away? A: the parking spot; Q: What does Howard keep until Sheldon learns to drive or gets a Batmobile? A: her heavy handbag; Q: What did Amy swing at Bernadette? A: Penny's nose; Q: What did Amy accidentally break when she swung her bag at Bernadette? A: The Cheesecake Factory; Q: Where do Sheldon and Amy reconcile? A: Finally, Sheldon; Q: Who takes his cushion to the dry cleaner's? A: a naked Howard; Q: Who sat on Sheldon's cushion during the feud? A: his laptop; Q: What does Sheldon sell to the dry cleaner's son? Summary: Howard buys a new car from his space mission money and is assigned Sheldon's unused parking spot. Despite not owning a car or even knowing how to drive, Sheldon wants it back and begins a bitter feud with Howard. Sheldon takes Howard's Iron Man helmet and sits naked in his car; Howard takes Sheldon's framed diploma and sits naked on his spot, also using Sheldon's laptop to gloat. The feud eventually draws in their partners, Amy and Bernadette supporting Sheldon and Howard respectively. Amy helps Sheldon rename the parking spot and parks her car there; Bernadette scratches it and has it towed away. Penny is caught in the middle when Amy swings her heavy handbag at Bernadette (who ducks), accidentally breaking Penny's nose. Raj finally ends the feud by mediating an agreement that Howard keep the parking spot until Sheldon learns to drive or gets a Batmobile. Sheldon & Amy and Howard & Bernadette reconcile at The Cheesecake Factory, where a battered Penny retorts "Yeah, everybody's happy. Great!" Finally, Sheldon takes his cushion to the dry cleaner's, as a naked Howard sat on it during the feud; and also takes the opportunity to sell his laptop for the dry cleaner's son to use (since the laptop was on Howard's lap when he was on the couch). |
ZBZ HOUSE - Living Room
Casey : It's after 3:00 and no word. That's not good.
Ashleigh : Our house is at the end of Greek Row. They have four other nominees to give roses to. I'm sure they'll show up any minute. Door opens. Frannie comes
Frannie : Any word?
Casey : No. I'm competing with every girl in the Greek system.
Ashleigh : Case, maybe not being nominated or Omega Chi Sweetheart wouldn't be the end of the world. Or maybe it would?
Frannie : No sister has ever been elected President of ZBZ without taking Sweetheart of Omega Chi first. Well, there was Vanessa Davis in '95, but she had scoliosis and played the "I've overcome obstacles" thing to gain sympathy votes.
Casey : So, it's possible... without.
Frannie : But not with your posture.
Ashleigh : So, Casey's entire political future at Zeta Beta Zeta depends on this moment? OK, I'm just going to stop with the helping.
Frannie : Being nominated Omega Chi Sweetheart is like running in the primaries. If you don't take New Hampshire...
Casey : It's 3:05.
Frannie : Maybe we should think of some obscure disease you could be suffering from. Let's plan a Grey's Anatomy marathon just in case.
Omega Chi Boys : Omega Chi girl, she came from above
Casey : Oh, my God! Yes!
Omega Chi Boys : Omega Chi girl, it's you that I love
Frannie : OK. God, this is so exciting! It's almost like it's happening to me again!
Casey : OK. Casey opens the door.
Evan : Casey Cartwright, it is my pleasure to announce your official nomination to the court of Sweetheart of Omega Chi.
Casey : I accept! CRU - Rusty & Dale's room
Rusty : Hey.
Jen K : Hey. Sorry I'm late. I couldn't find my key. I realized it was in my room, which was locked. My roommate was like no help.
Rusty : Come on in. I missed yoour room? Jen gest three-and-a-half hours of my life.
Rusty : So, uh...
Jen K : Yeah.
Rusty : Do you think you want, you know, you might...
Jen K : That's why I said, "yeah" just now.
Rusty : Oh. I wasn't sure.
Jen K : That's OK.
Rusty : I didn't want it to be awkward.
Jen K : Wait. Where's Dale?
Rusty : It's Wednesday, so he'll be at the Biocidentally watching thher 20 minutes. He'll get his cherry limeade aand Cheesaritos which'll take eight to 11 minutes depending on pedestrian traffic.
Jen K : You know, this'll be our third time.
Rusty : Fourth. Maybe. Yeah, I don't know. I wasn't keeping track or anything. Ignore it. It must be broken or something.
Jen K : Rusty, did you say Wednesday? It's Thursday!
Rusty : He'll freak if he catches us. Dale comes.
Dale : What a waste. Thermodynamics and heat transfer analysis? My little sister could teach that class. I'm gonna check my Second Life stock. You want to see my new avatar? What are you guys doing?
Rusty : Nothing.
Jen K : Nothing. Credits ZBZ HOUSE - Dinning room
Frannie : Winning the title of Omega Chi Sweetheart is completely dependent on your interaction with each and every Omega Chi, as well as catering to their basic needs.
Ashleigh : Um, hello. We're ZBZ's, not Tri-Pi's.
Casey : Not those needs. Right?
Frannie : Of course not. This isn't the Clinton Administration. Think more Laura Bush.
Ashleigh : Eww.
Frannie : Trust me, the Omega Chi's aren't looking for a girl who swigs beer and shows off her whale tail. This girl represents the fraternity publicly, so they're wanting less Ginger and more Mary Ann. This is the girl they want to bring home to mother Bush. Now, I like to take the two-pronged approach: Win their stomachs and then win their hearts. So let's start talking baked goods. I was thinking maybe something in a scone?
Ashleigh : Casey's not much of a baker.
Casey : But, I can drive to the store, buy some muffins, rough them up to make them look homemade, right?
Frannie : Genius.
Casey : I've been inspired by the master.
Frannie : I only wish I had a "me" for inspiration last year. Oh, my God, I was so nervous despite completely dominating the competition. It seems like so long ago, I can barely even remember Blake coming over to the ZBZ house, presenting me with my white rose.
Casey : Frannie? Frannie. Muffins?
Frannie : Oh, right. OK. Next topic. Current events. "Ten things you should know about fantasy football. " CRU - Street
Rusty : Well, how about tomorrow night?
Jen K : Um... Yep, that should be good.
Rusty : Could we use your room?
Jen K : My roommate Stephanie could barely make it past the dresser this morning.
Rusty : She needs to go to student health.
Jen K : That's the problem, she's agoraphobic. She can't really go anywhere. She spends all day on the Internet talking into her little webcam. It's like living with LonelyGirl15. What about your room? Tonight?
Rusty : Hold on, let me check Dale's schedule.
Jen K : Is this weird? Trying to have s*x around Dale's schedule? It's getting weird, right? I mean, I know he has some issues, but...
Rusty : "Some" issues? He cancelled our cable after accidentally watching three minutes of a Dawson's Creek rerun.
Jen K : Can't we just tell him that we'd like to have the room for one evening? Don't you have a right to personal time?
Rusty : Yeah, you're right. Not like being Baptist qualifies as a debilitating medical condition. I'll talk to him.
Jen K : Good. Because I'd kind of like to get into the double digits.
Rusty : What?
Jen : Bye.
Rusty : Bye. Cappie comes.
Rusty : Hey, Cappie! Wait up!
Cappie : Spitter. It's a beautiful day, wouldn't you... You look different. Haircut? Hmm.
Rusty : Maybe I look different because I had s*x?
Cappie : No. That's not it. Are you wearing a bronzer?
Rusty : I lost my virginity.
Cappie : Ah! Mazel tov, young man! How's it going in the afterglow?
Rusty : Great. It'd be better if I didn't have a roommate who was a born-again Christian with a light class schedule.
Cappie : Logistical problems? Well, I'd be happy to let you use my deluxe accommodations.
Rusty : Really? You don't mind?
Cappie : Absolutely not. Only 20 bucks an hour. For reservations, contact Wade. We are booked for the next two weeks, however after finals I expect a lull.
Rusty : Two weeks?
Cappie : I need the cash flow, bro'. I've got some debts to pay off. Hold, please.
Rusty : You can't get me in any sooner?
Cappie : Do you have Triple-A?
Rusty : Would that matter?
Cappie : No.
Rusty : Never mind. I'll just have to talk to Dale. He's probably just finishing his Fruit Roll-Up. CRU - Teacher's office
Cappie : "Side effects may include nausea, blindness, decapitation, rectal oozing. "
Teacher : This is not a pharmaceutical study.
Cappie : I was just hiding behind witticism to mask the resentment of an unfulfilled childhood.
Teacher : The intent of this experiment is to examine theories of behavioral psychology. Tomorrow's experiment will begin with the Stroop Task.
Cappie : I think I had the Stroop once.
Teacher : And we will be adding environmental stressors over time. We're exploring the Gestalt Perceptual Laws of Organization. The test requires you to stay awake for 30 hours.
Cappie : Thirty hours?
Teacher : One of our psych undergrads will be with you for the duration of the test to supervise and record your responses.
Cappie : Oh, I love being supervised and recorded.
Teacher : We'll start tomorrow afternoon. Be sure to bring plenty of food and liquids with you. No alcohol. That's where most students can't resist a joke.
Cappie : Clearly I'm not most students.
Teacher : Clearly. The student who will administer the test is participating for a grade, but understand this is a professional study. You will be expected to answer every question the administrator gives you. You'll be given access to a bathroom, but that is it for 30 hours. Ms. Logan, please come meet your test subject. Rebecca comes.
Teacher : This is case study 867-5309.
Rebecca : Rob Thomas guy?
Teacher : Actually, your subject's name is...
Cappie : Unimportant. Remember, Logan. "We don't see things as they are. We see things as we are. " I used to be a Psych major. CRU - Rusty & Dale's room
Dale : Hey, Rus. Oh, I finished your milk, but I can get some more.
Rusty : No problem. Off to Calculus? Parlin Hall? From two to four?
Dale : You know me well.
Rusty : I wanted to talk to you about something.
Dale : I gotta talk to you, too.
Rusty : Well, if I could go first...
Dale : Doreen Dresselhaus McCaw is coming to CRU!
Rusty : Dale, she's a nuclear physicist. Not a rock star.
Dale : Uh, excuse me, her work in proton emulsion has literally rocked the world. She's giving an open lecture tomorrow. I thought we could go.
Rusty : Tomorrow? Sure. That sounds fun.
Dale : Great!
Rusty : And then maybe... Perhaps... I could possibly have the room. Alone. With Jen.
Dale : Oh. I see. Um... Yeah. That shouldn't be a problem.
Rusty : Really?
Dale : Yeah. You know, love the sinner, hate the sin, right?
Rusty : Is that a yes?
Dale : Yeah, just give me some notice, I'll disappear.
Rusty : Wow. This really means a lot to me. Thank you.
Dale : All right, buddy, tomorrow it is. You, me and Doreen Dresselhaus McCaw. Whoo! CRU - Teacher's office
Teacher : And it never occurred to you that in order to be pre-med, you might need to take some actual science classes?
Frannie : I did. I took Biology and Chemistry. Didn't I?
Teacher : You didn't take Chemistry. Nor Physics. Nor...
Frannie : I figured those start when I finished the "pre" part and got to the "med. "
Teacher : Sorry.
Frannie : What about my dream of becoming a gorgeous intern, in a hospital full of gorgeous interns, discussing my love life while performing complex surgeries and hating my mother?
Teacher : Try the drama department.
Frannie : Well. Are... Are there any exceptions? By the way, um, I'm not just saying this, but I love your glasses.
Teacher : If you plan to graduate with any degree from this institution, you're going to need to complete a fifth year here at Cyprus-Rhodes.
DOBLERS
Frannie : The way HMO's are cutting into profit margins, it doesn't make sense for me to go into medicine anyway. So I'm thinking pre-law perhaps. Regardless, I'm staying for a fifth year here at CRU!
Ashleigh : Yay! Isn't that great, Case?
Casey : Yeah!
Ashleigh : Hey, let's get drinks to celebrate.
Girl : Oh, good idea.
Casey : Are you really OK with this?
Frannie : My parents will freak when they find out they have to pay for a fifth year. And that means I'll never get to be...
Casey : An Izzie or a Meredith. I know. I'm so sorry.
Frannie : You know me so well. I really need to think of something to keep my mind off things.
Casey : How about a spa weekend?
Frannie : Mmm, I don't think so.
Casey : How about we charter Rebecca's jet?
Frannie : It's all so empty.
Casey : Is there something you had in mind?
Frannie : I knew you'd understand. I was thinking about running for Omega Chi Sweetheart again.
Casey : Oh. Is that possible?
Frannie : Totally. I've already checked into it and as the formerly crowned Omega Chi Sweetheart I have the right to run again.
Casey : So we'd be running against each other? Wouldn't that be bad?
Frannie : Yes. It'd split the ZBZ vote. And if that happens, you know who loses?
Casey : Zeta Beta Zeta?
Frannie : Exactly.
Casey : So what you're saying is I need to drop out of the Sweetheart race for the good of the house?
Frannie : If that's what you feel like you should do, I totally support you in that.
Casey : But Frannie, what about the primaries? And all that stuff you said about New Hampshire and the ZBZ Presidency?
Frannie : All that was just a theory. You could still be president without being Omega Chi Sweetheart. You'll just have to work a little harder. That's all. You know what? I'm feeling better already.
ZBZ HOUSE - Casey & Ashleigh's room
Evan : Hi.
Casey : Hi. So what's the process of removing myself from the running?
Evan : Wait a minute. Casey. Are you sure you want to do this?
Casey : Frannie's my big sis. She's done so much for me. The advice, the encouragement...
Evan : And I admire your loyalty. OK, I do. But you really wanted this. Is it your fault that she's not graduating on time?
Casey : It's complicated. She's like my mentor. And my friend.
Evan : Then you know what? This should just be some friendly competition. She's had her time. She needs to exit the stage gracefully and... Well, I shouldn't be telling you this. She might not be the most popular ZBZ at the Omega Chi house.
Casey : You think I could beat Frannie?
Evan : I don't know if you've noticed, but I have been running quite the campaign.
Casey : That's the most adorable thing I've ever seen.
Evan : Casey, listen, Frannie's already had her reign. All right? It's your turn now. CRU - Class
Cappie : My weekend with the Senator's daughter. Sounds kinky.
Rebecca : We'll start with the Stroop Task. Objective is to measure reaction time as it relates to your brain's unconscious.
Cappie : So is this your major?
Rebecca : I don't get credit for small talk. Let's start the test, shall we?
Cappie : What is your hurry? We have all weekend. Besides, I like to get to know my supervisor before I Stroop her. It really is an amazing word that can be used in many different ways.
Rebecca : Maybe it's time you start cooperating.
Cappie : Or?
Rebecca : Or I'll tell everyone your real name. Name the color this word is written in.
Cappie : Red.
Rebecca : Correct. CRU - Class
Dale : Rusty! I saved you a... seat. I didn't know you had an interest in nuclear fission.
Jen K : I figured if it was important to Rusty that I should learn a little bit about it.
Dale : I see.
Rusty : Dale, do you mind if Jen and I sit together?
Dale : No, sure. That's a better seat up there, anyway. OMEGA CHI HOUSE - Garden
Guy : Ready, set. Hike! Yes!
Calvin : Nice play, Cartwright!
Casey : Hey, Frannie. The guys are loving the smoothies. Big hit.
Frannie : It's so sweet of you to come out and support my campaign, Case.
Casey : Actually, I'm not here in support of your candidacy.
Frannie : Well, then why are you here?
Casey : Um... I hope you understand, but I've decided that I'm not going to drop out of the race.
Frannie : What, you're not dropping out?
Casey : Not that I think I'll win or anything.
Frannie : Of course not. So why run?
Casey : Um... You know, this is my junior year and it's my only chance since I'm going to graduate on time. Not that I'm super proud of that or anything. A lot of people do fifth years. It's common. And if I should happen to win, that'd be better than losing to some Tri-Pi, right?
Frannie : Yes, it would. If I was planning on losing. Good luck, sweetie. CRU - Rusty & Dale's room
Rusty : Have you seen my milk? I just bought a half-gallon yesterday.
Dale : No. Sure haven't.
Rusty : Why is my milk in the trash?
Dale : Oh, that milk. I thought that expired.
Rusty : After one day? It's not even open.
Dale : Maybe you shouldn't buy a big carton so it doesn't take up so much room in the fridge.
Rusty : We agreed to share the fridge, though.
Dale : No, we did, but that means halvesies. Not three-quartersies. See, your milk crossed the border.
Rusty : OK. Um, so, Jen and I were thinking about using the room tomorrow night?
Dale : You know what, Rusty? That's not going to work for me.
Rusty : What about Sunday night?
Dale : Now that is really not going to work for me.
Rusty : But you said you were OK with it before.
Dale : You know, I'm a complex individual. I change my mind. ZBZ HOUSE - Casey & Ashleigh's room
Casey : OK, so what do you think? Which shoes?
Ashleigh : Well, they always say you can never go wrong with a peep toe.
Casey : Who's "they?"
Ashleigh : I don't know. I was just trying to help. Again.
Casey : What would Frannie say?
Ashleigh : She seriously hasn't spoken one word to you since the game?
Casey : I've seen her six times and she just smiles and walks away. This morning at breakfast she winked at me.
Ashleigh : Well, that's scary.
Casey : Yeah.
Ashleigh : Have you...
Casey : What?
Ashleigh : Um... Do you think she's gonna want to run for president?
Casey : I can't read her. I'm not sure if she's being passive-aggressive or totally cool about all this. I have no idea where her head is.
Frannie : There you are.
Casey : Hi, Frannie.
Frannie : Getting ready for the big night?
Casey : Yeah. I was just trying to decide what shoes to wear.
Frannie : Oh, definitely the peep toes. Demure but inviting. So, how's the speech coming?
Casey : All done.
Frannie : I expect nothing less. May the best woman win! Oh, and don't be late. If you miss the speeches, you're automatically disqualified. Bye. CRU - Rusty & Dale's room
Jen K : I can't believe you worked everything out with Dale.
Rusty : Yeah. It's great.
Jen K : Why is your stuff all piled up over here on the floor?
Rusty : I don't know. I think Dale's cleaning or something.
Jen K : Dale Tracker again? I thought you said you talked through all this?
Rusty : Something's wrong with my computer.
Jen K : Did you reboot it?
Rusty : That's weird. It says the signal is coming from...
Jen K : Where?
Rusty : Inside the room.
Dale : Did you really think I wouldn't figure this out? GPS with a five mile radius. Please. Got milk, Rusty?
Rusty : Jen, you should go.
Jen K : Um... OK. Bye, Dale. Rusty, call me. CRU - Class
Rebecca : Tell me what you see.
Cappie : I see me taking a nap.
Rebecca : You can sleep when you're finished. Answer the question.
Cappie : Two triangles and three circles.
Rebecca : Wrong. There are no actual triangles or circles in the image.
Cappie : Isn't there a rule that the supervisor avoids showing her personal feelings about the subject?
Rebecca : Maybe. This is my first class.
Cappie : Well, there should be. This is like being at a slumber party with Jack Bauer.
Rebecca : I know how hard you work to pretend nothing ever bothers you.
Cappie : Stop. I'll tell you where the nukes are.
Rebecca : Next topic, aural stimuli. You wish. I'm going to play a sound and you identify what it is. First thing that pops in your mind. Baby Crying.
Cappie : Evan Chambers losing his allowance? Oh, come on. That deserves a check.
Rebecca : But it's so much more fun to be wrong, isn't it?
Cappie : I don't know. Is it?
Rebecca : Little Miss Perfect has her Cinderella Ball tonight. Doesn't bother you that Casey picked another Prince Charming?
Cappie : I don't get paid for small talk.
Rebecca : Uh-huh.
Cappie : Should we get back to the test? ZBZ HOUSE - Hallway
Casey : I don't know about this. Where's Frannie?
Jen K : Not here. He said your name's on the work order too. This is Casey Cartwright.
Plumber : I'm John, the plumber. Frannie Morgan called, said you need pipes replaced.
Casey : Tonight? They've been leaking for months.
Plumber : She insisted. Said it was an emergency, it had to be taken care of today. I need to shut this water off for a while.
Casey : Give us a few minutes to finish getting ready and then it's all yours.
Plumber : I'll need you or Miss Morgan here until I finish. Your names are on the work order. Uh, you gotta sign off. I told her that on the phone.
Casey : Well, how long did you tell her this was going to take?
Plumber : That depends on the condition of the pipes. We could be here all night. OMEGA CHI HOUSE - Living room
[SCENE_BREAK]
Frannie : The Greek system at CRU is certainly not what it used to be. You've seen the Kappa Tau house, right? Disgusting. And those girls at Mu Gamma Pig. Oh, what did I just say? I meant Sig. Casey. The speeches are about to start. I was afraid you weren't going to make it.
Casey : Here I am. The plumbing's all taken care of.
Frannie : Great. I'm glad it wasn't as extensive as I thought.
Casey : No, it was exactly as extensive as you thought. It would have taken all night, but Jen K's dad's a plumber, and she helped. John the plumber actually offered her a job.
Frannie : I hope you encouraged her to take it.
Man : Hey, Frannie.
Frannie : O'Toole. Great game the other day.
Ashleigh : Travis says I don't know how to follow. I'm a total follower.
Calvin : I can't believe I'm going to say this, but, uh, Travis might be right.
Ashleigh : Well, thanks for being my handsome escort for tonight.
Calvin : I am lucky to have such a beautiful lady on my arm. And my feet.
Ashleigh : Oh! Ooh! I'm sorry!
Calvin : It's OK.
Ashleigh : Sorry. So, give me the dirt. How's the Sweetheart race looking?
Calvin : My money's on Casey. CRU - Rusty & Dale's room
Rusty : This is it! Come on in.
Beaver : I heard about the honors engineering floor, but I thought it was a joke.
Rusty : It's real. Want something to drink?
Beaver : Yeah. Sure. Cool flag. You English?
Rusty : Hey, Beaver. Why don't you tell Dale how you got your name?
Beaver : Hey, Dale. Dale? CRU - Class
Rebecca : All right, last test. "Emotions can have an important effect on perception. Emotions play a larger role in perceptionunder stress or extreme circumstances. " So, what do you see?
Cappie : A dog.
Rebecca : Correct answer is "cloud. "
Cappie : Who looks at a cloud and just sees a cloud?
Rebecca : Me.
Cappie : Look, the dog's head's over there and the legs are in the back. It's a boy.
Rebecca : I don't see it. Maybe you're projecting.
Cappie : You know, I always wanted a dog. We moved around too much and chances are my parents would've accidentally killed it. I'm so tired I feel drunk. I am on the verge of singing the Kenny Rogers songbook or making some embarrassing true confessions.
Rebecca : So why would your parents have accidentally killed the dog?
Cappie : Let's just say there wasn't an abundance of stability. My parents are hippies with all kinds of great ideals, but they're not the most responsible people.
Rebecca : Got it.
Cappie : Know what your problem is?
Rebecca : What?
Cappie : Perspective. Come sit over here. Look at it this way. Come on.
Rebecca : It kind of looks like a bong.
Cappie : Oddly enough, I don't see that.
Rebecca : I used to see everything in terms of whether it would piss off my parents. Bongs did that.
Cappie : You like to walk on the wild side?
Rebecca : Not anymore. The whole out-of-control rich girl thing got to be a little too Lindsay Lohan-ish.
Cappie : You know, you're not nearly as unpleasant as I thought you'd be, Logan.
Rebecca : I know. You smell better than I thought you would. What kind of hippies would name you...
Cappie : Ah! Shh! Hippies with a finely honed sense of irony.
Teacher : Time's up. This concludes our experiment. Thanks to both of you. Here is your compensation for participating. Rebecca, I'll see you in class on Tuesday. OMEGA CHI HOUSE - Living room
Frannie : Those are the real weapons of mass destruction, am I right? You guys are awesome. Just remember, a vote for me... is a vote against the terrorists. God Bless America!
Casey : Frannie, can we please stop this? I know you're angry with me, so why don't we stop pretending?
Frannie : Pretending? I don't know what you're talking about.
Casey : Just because your plans changed, doesn't mean I should have to give up on everything I've worked so hard for.
Frannie : Can you please put your own political ambitions aside and think of someone other than yourself?
Casey : You started all this.
Frannie : And you knew how important this was to me, but you wouldn't drop out. I should have known you'd stop at nothing to get ahead. After all, you took Evan back even though he cheated on you. CRU - Rusty & Dale's room
Rusty : No! I didn't back up. Dale? What happened?
Dale : Maybe some prankster hacked into the university power grid and shut you down.
Rusty : And drained my battery so it wouldn't work, either? I'm going to have s*x, Dale. Deal with it!
Dale : This isn't about s*x, Rusty!
Rusty : Then what?
Dale : I thought you were this cool, smart engineering guy who understood the importance of Comic-Con and physics and...
Rusty : Are you still talking about that stupid lecture?
Dale : That stupid lecture was important to me. I thought it was important to you. I thought our friendship was important.
Rusty : We're not friends, Dale. We're roommates!
Dale : Maybe you should find a new roommate.
Rusty : Maybe I will! OMEGA CHI HOUSE - Living room
Casey : When I came to Cyprus-Rhodes, I knew nothing about the Greek system. At first glance, it seemed like a great way to have fun. Whoo! What I quickly discovered was an incredible group of people who I will have a special bond with forever. I've wondered where that unconditional bond comes from. What I've learned, thanks to some very special people in my life, is that... well, for me anyway, being Greek is about tradition. And passing that tradition on to others. That proud passing of the torch keeps the integrity of our Greek system alive. It's our foundation. I found someone who was selflessly willing to pass her legacy on to me. Someone I see not only as a mentor, but as a friend. But no matter what happens, till the day I die, I will always be sweet on the boys of Omega Chi.
All : Yay!
Evan : Um... All right, you guys. It's time to cast the votes.
Ashleigh : OK.
All : Let's do it, man. A few minutes later.
Evan : OK, the votes are in. And the title of Omega Chi Sweetheart of 2007 goes to... Casey Cartwright!
Casey : Oh, my gosh.
Tri Pi Girl : At least that bitch didn't win again. Too bad you have to live with her.
Evan : The best girl won. CRU - Street
Jen K : Can you believe that Tri-Pi and her "wardrobe malfunction"?
Girl : Oh, my God.
Rusty : Jen?
Jen K : Rusty! Oh, you should've seen Casey.
Rusty : Casey, great. Dale's out of control! He hacked my power, I lost my paper, there's milk everywhere and...
Jen K : Um... I'll catch up with you guys later. Are you OK? You seem a little worked up.
Rusty : Will you come back to my room and have s*x with me in front of Dale?
Jen K : Rusty!
Rusty : That's my only logical recourse.
Jen K : Rusty, let it go. If he doesn't want us in his room then that's fine. We'll figure something out. Maybe I can put in a transfer to another room.
Rusty : No, I'll do it.
Jen K : And leave Dale?
Rusty : You're willing to leave Stephanie.
Jen K : Because she's an agoraphobe who scares me.
Rusty : Dale's a germaphobe, who is constantly butting into my business.
Jen K : And studying with you, and going to lectures with you, and watching Planet Earth.
Rusty : Yes.
Jen K : Didn't he teach you to play hockey and show up at your game?
Rusty : Yes, but he...
Jen K : What about the volcano? He committed a crime for you! No way we could have pulled that off without him. I mean, without Dale, who knows if we'd even be together.
Rusty : But he's a conservative, right-wing Southern Baptist with a confederate flag on the wall.
Jen K : You're a frat guy asking him to push his religious beliefs aside so you can have s*x with your girlfriend. Yeah, you guys definitely have your differences, but when you add it all up, you and Dale are friends. CRU - Street
Rebecca : I'm exhausted. At least you got paid.
Cappie : But the knowledge you received was far more valuable.
Rebecca : Right. You realize it was totally pointless. The slides, the tests, all of it.
Cappie : I'm not sure all of it was.
Rebecca : What happened in that room means nothing in the real world.
Cappie : There is no real world. Just two strangers, picked to sit in a room and get their lives taped.
Rebecca : I'll see you around.
Cappie : Hey. CRU - Rusty & Dale's room
Rusty : That's wonderful.
Dale : I'm awake now.
Rusty : Sorry. Look, Dale...
Dale : I asked around and a couple guys on this floor dropped out, so if you want to change rooms...
Rusty : I don't want to change rooms. Unless you still want me to.
Dale : Maybe.
Rusty : You know, you were right about Jen. No appreciation for Doreen.
Dale : Yeah, well, few do.
Rusty : Sometimes showing appreciation is a hard thing to do.
Dale : You mean like showing appreciation for me?
Rusty : Yes. I mean you.
Dale : So, you mean you appreciate me.
Rusty : Exactly.
Dale : You appreciate me like a good roommate?
Rusty : I appreciate you like a good friend. So, I bought some cookie dough for all that milk. You want some?
Dale : No. No thanks. Cookie dough salmonella can kill you. Goodnight, Rusty.
Rusty : Goodnight, Dale. ZBZ HOUSE - Living room
Casey : Hey.
Frannie : Hey. Great speech tonight. Really tugged on those heartstrings.
Casey : I tried to find you after the announcement but I guess you'd already left.
Frannie : I know when to make my exit.
Casey : Frannie, I meant what I said. We're friends. First and foremost.
Frannie : Hmm.
Casey : What's on your mind?
Frannie : Al Gore.
Casey : I'm more of a Jake Gyllenhaal girl myself.
Frannie : No, I was actually thinking about how crazy it is that someone can win the popular vote...and still not be elected president.
Casey : Yeah, that's pretty crazy.
Frannie : Enjoy your win, Poodle. It doesn't last forever. Don't stay up too late. Rebecca comes.
Rebecca : Guess I missed the fun. This is for you. It's from Cappie.
Casey : "Payback's a bitch. And so am I. Sorry you had to bail me out. Cap. " | Plan: A: Frannie; Q: Who is staying to complete a 5th year at CRU? A: Omega Chi Sweetheart; Q: What title do Casey and Frannie compete for? A: their already shaky relationship; Q: What does the competition between Casey and Frannie cause to deteriorate? A: Casey's presidential bid; Q: What may the rift between Casey and Frannie have implications on? A: the following year; Q: When is Casey's presidential bid? A: Rusty; Q: Who is in the glow of his first sexual relationship? A: Dale's jealousy; Q: What dampens Rusty's first sexual relationship? A: Cappie; Q: Who signs up for a psychology experiment? A: a psychology experiment; Q: What does Cappie sign up for to make some quick cash? A: Rebecca; Q: Who does Cappie get locked in a room with for 30 hours? Summary: Casey and Frannie compete with each other for the title of Omega Chi Sweetheart, forcing a rift in their already shaky relationship. This may have implications on Casey's presidential bid the following year, as Frannie is staying to complete a 5th year at CRU. Rusty is in the glow of his first sexual relationship, but it's dampened by Dale's jealousy. To make some quick cash, Cappie signs up for a psychology experiment and finds himself locked in a room with Rebecca for 30 hours. |
[PREVIOUSLY_ON]
What was the deal with you and Stefan? I was the first love of Stefan's life. Stefan, meet Julian. Julian was the man you were not supposed to fall for. Does Stefan Salvatore know that you are pregnant with his child? What? I wanted to tell you personally, but Julian made sure there was nothing to tell. Please don't tell anyone. I won't, I promise.
Alaric: The Phoenix Stone brings people back from the dead.
Bonnie: We made a mistake. Jo was never in that stone. I put someone else in her body. You're not my wife. I don't think I am. We'll figure this out together.
Damon: Burying that b*st*rd's body would've been too good for Lily. I want to give her that man that she's missed for a hundred years, and then I want to rip his head off right in front of her.
Valerie: Julian is the devil. I can't let Lily bring him back. If she does, I will kill Julian myself.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Three Years From Now ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Voices and laughter on TV]
Damon: So tell me, what thoughts go through a man's mind before he decides, "I think I'll take the ones with the roosters"?
Alaric: I didn't pick those out.
Damon: Hang on. Glitter.
Alaric: Yeah. Well, it goes with the territory. What the hell do you want, Damon?
Damon: When's the last time you talked to your fiancee?
Alaric: I see word travels fast. She texted earlier today. Why?
Damon: What time was it, and what'd she say?
Alaric: 12:18... "Do we need bread?"
Damon: Well, she's not answering her phone now.
Alaric: Yeah. Well, she doesn't like to answer the phone before a broadcast.
Damon: I don't care. Get her on the horn. Stefan's being hunted again, and it's only a matter of time before Caroline's the bait that's used to lure him out.
Alaric: Move.
Caroline (on TV): We apologize for the interruption to your current program. My name is Caroline. I am a segment producer for "KQBC News." Please listen carefully. I have an urgent message for Stefan Salvatore.
Damon: Oh, well. I guess the old ball and chain won't make it home for dinner, after all, will she?
[SCENE_BREAK]
Stefan: [Clears throat] Hold the gun. There you go. Now, the first thing you want to do... [Spits] Bite the paper off the cartridge like this. Hand me that ramrod. There you go. Now I want you to do it. Push it all the way down. Perfect.
Jacob: How far away can I shoot?
Stefan: Well, you see that, uh... You see that tree over there with the bark falling off?
Jacob: No.
Stefan: Pretty far, then, huh?
Jacob: Can I shoot it?
Stefan: I don't know. Think you're old enough?
Jacob: I'm 11.
Stefan: I was 12 when I shot my first gun.
Jacob: Dad, I can do it.
Stefan: You think so?
Jacob: Yeah.
Stefan: All right. Ok. Let's go find ourselves a deer. Come on. [Click] See, now, the trick is, never take your eye off the target. Got that? Jacob. Jacob! Jacob! Jacob! Jacob! Jacob!
[SCENE_BREAK]
Caroline: Hey, it's just me.
Stefan: Hey.
Caroline: Who's Jacob?
Stefan: Who?
Caroline: Jacob. You were yelling his name.
Stefan: Oh, um, must have been a bad dream.
Caroline: Oh, probably because you're sleeping on the couch, silly. What are you doing down here?
Valerie: That would be my fault. I... I just wanted to let you know I used the last of the shampoo.
Caroline: Valerie, I didn't know that you were staying here.
Stefan: Stayed, past tense, um, just one night. [Clears throat]
Valerie: I should go put some clothes on.
Caroline: Yeah. You do that.
Valerie: All right. Ok.
Caroline: Explain.
Stefan: Ok. Lily wants to raise Julian from the dead. Valerie tried to scorch his body before she can get her hands on him, and that did not work out so well.
Caroline: Not following how that's our problem.
Stefan: Ok. If and when Lily welcomes Julian back into his body, he will find out what Valerie did, and he'll come after her.
Caroline: Yeah. Just not connecting those dots.
Stefan: Well, maybe you can just trust me that I know what I'm doing.
Caroline: So what you're saying is, Valerie needs to disappear... New name, new job, a country in a separate hemisphere.
Stefan: No. No.
Caroline: Well, you just said that she's in danger. I mean, if I need to drive her to the airport myself, I will do that.
Stefan: Mm-hmm.
Caroline: Unless you have a problem with that.
Stefan: Uh, you know, I... I really like this form of manipulation.
Caroline: Hmm.
Valerie: [Clears throat] Whatever we're doing, we should do it fast. The Phoenix Stone turns people mad, and Julian's soul's been in it for over a hundred years, so anywhere he is, I need to be as far away as possible.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Julian: Hwah! Ah... See, Beau, fencing's got to flow... hwah!... Like a conversation. I speak. You listen. I speak some more. Ah. You've improved. Well done, friend. Ah!
Men: ♪ you're in my head ♪ ♪ get out of my bed ♪ ♪ you don't run the world ♪ ♪ you're in my head... ♪
Lily: Gentlemen... Our back yard's not big enough?
Julian: Beau insisted, didn't you, friend? Heh heh.
Lily: Take it outside, please.
Julian: Well, you heard this ridiculously attractive woman.
Lily: You are suspiciously cheery. Are you sure you shouldn't still be in bed?
Julian: My love, I need to be on my feet again. I spent the last hundred years on my back, so unless you can make an offer that I cannot refuse... Mm...
Lily: Ok. Tempting, but I have another idea.
Julian: And I like it already.
Lily: Ha ha ha! We have enemies here.
Julian: You mean Valerie.
Lily: That name is not to be uttered in this house. I am referring to my sons.
Julian: Your sons are alive? Ok. Well, I have some catching up to do.
Lily: My thoughts exactly.
Julian: Hmm.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Doorbell rings]
Damon: "Lily Salvatore requests your presence to celebrate our town's peaceful spirit and introduce a new friend... This evening, 5:00." Hmm, looks like Mom raised her man crush from the dead.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Tape rewinding]
Alaric (on tape): I promise to be with you and love you.
[Cell phone rings]
Alaric: Hey.
Bonnie: Hey. Remember when we used an ancient relic to raise your wife from the dead and ended up imbuing her with someone else's soul?
Alaric: Why are you calling me?
Bonnie: Because I'm at Scull Bar, where faux Jo is currently holding her laptop like it's a book. You promised me you would help her figure out who she was before she did anything crazy.
Alaric: Yeah, and every time I look into her eyes, I see my murdered wife, so I'm taking a break.
Bonnie: I know this is probably impossible for you. We have no idea what's gonna happen to her. We can't just leave her unattended.
Alaric: Well, just keep an eye on her, then.
Bonnie: I can't. I have to go to Mystic Falls. Lily Salvatore is having some peace party mixer which'll probably result in half of my friends nearly dying if I don't attend, so get here now, preferably before someone asks Jo to perform surgery, ok?
Zac Carper: ♪ I just say that I'm happy ♪ ♪ now leave me alone ♪
[SCENE_BREAK]
Stefan: Ah, go no tie, I'm going no tie.
Damon: Not just no tie, no going.
Stefan: You saw her invite. Julian's back. You're going.
Damon: To watch Lily bat her eyes at her zombie douche brain boy toy? Thanks, but I'd rather stay home and stub my toe repeatedly.
Stefan: You do realize that zombie douche brain boy toy is living in your house, bathing in your tub, eating your froot loops.
Damon: Oh, I know. I also know that he's the love of Mom's life, Mom, who convinced Kai to link Elena's life with Bonnie's so I'd be miserable for the next 6-plus decades.
Stefan: What are you getting at?
Damon: Julian makes her happy, Stefan. More time they spend together, the happier she gets, the more tragic it'll be in 6 months when I hand-deliver his heart to her.
Stefan: 6 months?
Damon: Yeah, you know, give or take. Let her get her hopes up. Let her start planning their entire eternity, and then, squish, he's dead.
Stefan: That might be a bit of a problem, brother, because I plan on killing the b*st*rd tonight.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Caroline: Seattle looks nice. Hey, they got the Space Needle, great coffee, Mount St. Helens.
Valerie: Rain.
Caroline: Didn't take you much of a sunshine person. Um, I mean, there's always Indonesia. Oh, you could rent a hut on the beach and drink out of coconuts.
Valerie: Be 9,000 miles from your boyfriend in either direction.
Caroline: Let's put a pin in locations for a moment and talk names because Valerie Tulle is way too traceable. I'm thinking... Matilda. Oh, you could totally pull off Matilda... Matilda Pettigrew from Liverpool, England. What, do you want to write it down?
Valerie: You're handling me like I'm a wounded bird, like I'm some sort of victim, but I'm not. When Stefan kills Julian, he can't hurt anyone else, and I can just put this whole mess behind me.
Caroline: What mess?
Valerie: You know, the whole reason I'm afraid of Julian, my big secret, the entire horror story. Stefan must have told you. He promised me he wouldn't tell anyone, but I didn't know that that included you. Well, his loyalty certainly is attractive, isn't it?
Caroline: Ok. I'm sorry. What didn't he tell me?
Valerie: Never mind. As you were saying, uh, Matilda Pettigrew from Liverpool, hmm? That's good. I like it.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Nora: So you just line up those matching pieces of candy like so. There you go. You got it. It took Mary Louise a month to pass the first level.
Julian: And this is meant to be, like, fun, right?
Nora: Oh, yeah. Give it another 5 minutes, you'll be full-on addicted.
Julian: I think this era suits you, Nora.
Nora: Well, I wouldn't know. Lily keeps us trapped inside the town border. There's nothing here for us.
Julian: Well, I think she's just nervous to let her little birdies fly free. She doesn't want another Valerie on her hands.
Nora: Well, Valerie's a traitor, and Lily knows she and I are nothing alike.
Julian: No. You certainly are not. Perhaps I could talk to Lily, see if I can't convince her to loosen her reins a little.
Nora: You would do that?
Julian: Of course.
Mary Louise: There you are. Guests are arriving. Help me greet them?
Nora: You're greeting them dressed like that?
Mary Louise: What's wrong with it?
Julian: Absolutely nothing, Mary Louise. You look stunning, as always.
[Creak]
Stefan: Am I allowed in, or does your cleaning lady need to invite me?
Lily: We had her sign the house over to us. She was too expensive. Come in.
Stefan: Thank you. Compliments of the Lockwood cellar.
Lily: Oh, thank you.
Stefan: Ooh, where did all these people come from?
Lily: Neighboring towns. We promised them a night of drink and conversation.
Stefan: Ah, so you compelled them.
Lily: I wanted to show you what peace looks like. My family is civilized. None of these people are in danger.
Damon: What? No tie?
Stefan: What are you doing here?
Damon: I missed my stash.
Lily: Boys, why don't you go mingle? I'll put this away.
Stefan: Tell me that you are here to help me.
Damon: You know how you wanted to, uh, redecorate?
Stefan: Mm-hmm.
Damon: Can't let you do that.
Stefan: Why the hell not?
Damon: Because Lily just rearranged the furniture and she needs a little time to live in it, you know, fall in love because Lily just with the whole furniture feng shui of it all.
Stefan: Yeah. Let me guess... for 6 months.
Damon: Ok. I give up. What am I missing here? Why do you care so much?
Stefan: Let's just say that the furniture Lily recently purchased is psychotic and needs to be disposed of immediately.
Julian: Gentlemen, welcome. Hmm.
Julian: I'm Julian.
Damon: I'm Damon.
Julian: Lily told me all about you. Of course, you were only a boy back then, and now you're, well, you. Stefan, how long has it been?
Stefan: I don't know. I must have lost track after I stopped thinking about you.
Julian: Huh, my charm is being lost on you. You must be dreadfully sober. Beau, get these men something to drink, will you?
Nora: Deputy Donovan. Welcome.
Matt: It's Matt. We lost all formalities when you and your girlfriend nearly drained me of all my blood.
Nora: Ok. Look. The whole point of this shindig is to start over, so...
Matt: Got a better idea. Why don't you convince your family to leave Mystic Falls?
Nora: And why would I do that?
Matt: Why would a group of vampires hang around an abandoned town with nothing to eat?
Mary Louise: What are we talking about?
Nora: Apparently, Matt is sick of us.
Matt: I just want my town back, preferably before anyone else dies.
Nora: Look around. Look at all these people. They're still alive, aren't they?
Mary Louise: At least till the dessert course.
Nora: You're making it worse. Come on. Let's go meet people.
Bonnie: Oh, did whatever animal they're serving for dinner get a plus-one?
Enzo: Hilarious. I was invited.
Bonnie: You're scoping the competition.
Enzo: There is not competition to scope. [Knocks on door] Since you're here, if anyone's wondering, you're my date.
Bonnie: Sorry?
Lily: Lorenzo, I'm so glad you came.
Enzo: Wouldn't miss it.
Lily: Bonnie, I know we've had a rocky past, but I hope this means you're willing to start fresh.
Bonnie: You're the reason I'm never gonna see my best friend again, so I hope you're joking.
Julian: Hmm, nice break.
Stefan: Well, it is my pool table, after all.
Julian: Ah, Damon, come play with us.
Damon: Oh, I would, but I have an irrational fear of pool tables.
Julian: It's not a rational fear of losing?
Damon: Wait. Has he nev... Have you never heard the story about the guy that tries to kill the vampire during a game of pool?
Julian: Huh. Well, considering my body's been in stasis for a century, why don't you enlighten me?
Damon: Well, there's this guy. He's about Stefan's build, maybe a wee bit bigger, little more chiseled, less height on the hair.
Stefan: Get on with the story.
Damon: Right, so this vampire that he wants to kill is at least 300 years older than him, and anyone and everyone with half a brain knew he was being an idiot, but he had this inexplicable obsession, so he bets the vampire in a game of pool, and just as the vamp is setting up for his last shot...
Julian: And?
Damon: Never got a chance.
Julian: Oh.
Damon: Yeah. Another vampire comes out of nowhere and stops him. Like I said, he was being an idiot.
Stefan: Wow, that is a wonderful story, Hemingway.
Damon: Thanks. [Whistling "Strangers in the Night"]
Stefan: Hmm.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Man: ♪ know what is to come ♪ ♪ or to sing of your history ♪ ♪ our lives are like... ♪
Alaric: I see you've mastered the Internet.
Jo: One of these students showed me something called WebMD. Apparently, I have a form of retrograde amnesia. So far, I've cancelled out encephalitis and paraneoplastic limbic encephalitis. Most of my characteristics fall under fugue-state amnesia, which is rare, but then again, so is coming back from the dead, which I just said too loudly. What?
Alaric: Nothing.
Laura: Dr. Laughlin, you're back. I thought you were on sabbatical. Laura Homested, one of your interns at the med center last semester.
Alaric: Oh, right. You remember Laura, who you mentioned to me, right?
Jo: Laura my star pupil.
Laura: Really? You gave me a "C". Anyway, how was your honeymoon?
Jo: Amazing, wasn't it, Ric?
Alaric: Yeah, uh, fantastic.
Laura: Oh, Dr. Laughlin, y... your nose. Your nose is bleeding.
Alaric: Oh, hey, do you mind getting us some napkins?
Laura: Yeah. I'll be right back.
[Coughs]
Jo: What the hell is wrong with me?
[SCENE_BREAK]
♪ my lover ♪
[Scatting]
[Applause]
[Feedback]
[Clink clink clink]
I hate to interrupt the party, but I just wanted to introduce my dearest love Julian. He's just returned from, shall we say, travels abroad. My family is finally complete. My hope now is that in time, we can learn to accept each other and, together, restore this town with its residents to a state of peace. Cheers. Cheers. Cheers.
[Glasses clink]
[Sighs]
[Piano playing softly]
Julian: Beau, can I ask you something? Lily's concerns about me weren't entirely wrong. My time away might have affected my head a bit, nothing to worry about, of course, but, um, there is a little something that would bring me great relief. Our dearly departed Oscar had something of mine, but it wasn't on him when he died, so I thought perhaps it was in his automobile. Could you maybe figure out where it was sent? Great.
[Pat]
Julian: We haven't met. Julian.
Lorenzo: Lorenzo.
Julian: Hmm. Those meat-and-cheese spirals were decadent. Your staff does fantastic work.
Lorenzo: I'll send them your compliments.
Julian: Hmm.
It's called dignity. Have some. It's free. Oh, what I got in return was priceless. Julian is looking for Oscar's car. I intend to find it first. What are you doing? Lily is watching. I am fixing your tie, making her jealous like any good date. That's what you wanted, right, make her a little jealous? Maybe a little. [Inhales] Anyway, I got what I came for. Have a nice night.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Coughing]
Her nose just started to bleed, and... And then that started. Oh, here. Uh! Take my blood. Drink. It'll heal you.
[Gulping]
[Gulp]
[Coughing]
Or not. What the hell's wrong with her?
Valerie: Seems a vampire soul inside a human body does not a perfect match make. What does that mean? The Phoenix Stone traps vampire souls. Oscar had a vampire body, got some other vampire's soul, and he lost the plot. Jo was a human. Clearly, a basic human body is unable to contain the essence of a vampire soul. You add that together, carry the one, you're a decomposing mess. Thank you, Valerie. Your tact is wildly appreciated. I was just saying that she was a corpse who was meant to stay a corpse. We know. We heard you, but that corpse was supposed to be Ric's wife who died with two kids inside of her on their wedding day. Sorry. I... I had no idea. Yeah. Well, now you do, so just sit down quietly while he says good-bye.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Ah, what a pretty dress. Do you think? Nora didn't even notice. Well, Nora needs her eyes examined. She's talking to everyone at this party but me. I feel like a fool running around trying to impress my own girlfriend. Stand still and say nothing. Why don't you drink what you're actually craving? Lily would have my head. No feeding on the guests. She practically made us sign on oath in our blood. Mm, just as I expected. What? You, Mary Louise, have lost your swagger. The girl I remember had spunk, vigor, danger, rules be damned. No wonder Nora's bored. Mm, I won't tell this if you won't.
[Slurping]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Dorothy Martin: ♪ gotta raise a little hell ♪ ♪ ooh ooh ooh-ooh ooh ooh ♪
Mare, did you change? You're looking very Scarlett Johan...
Martin: ♪ baby, drop them bones ♪ ♪ baby, fare thee well ♪ ♪ somebody gotta ♪ ♪ gotta raise a little hell ♪
Man: Excuse me. Can you tell me where the high school is? Oh, the entire town's shut down. You haven't noticed the million signs? Yeah. I'm looking for the high school. Yeah. I heard you the first time. Why? Uh, can you tell me where the high school is? Who you been talking to? Uh, I can't say. If my boss is looking for me, can you tell him I quit? Uh... What was that about? I don't know, but I get the impression he didn't, either. We should follow him... [Cell phone chirps] Unless you have other plans. This'll only take a minute. I'll meet you at my truck.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Huh. Where the hell's your TV? Where's my bed? Wow. Guess Lily took over your bedroom, and I will bet you your old flat-screen that Julian is not sleeping in the guest quarters. Here, I thought she slept standing up like a horse. You need to help me kill him, or you need to leave. Do you know what this means? Knock it off. It means Mom's happy. Another couple of months of this, and she'll have convinced herself it's forever, and that's when we strike, Stefan. Look at your bedroom. Our house is unrecognizable. Lily needs to go, and killing Julian is the start of that. You know something. Look at you... murdery, vengeful. It's very humanity-off, Stefan, except your switch is intact, which means you know something, so spit it out. It's not my secret to tell, Damon. Oh, really?
Matt: So Nora showed me where they keep the good stuff. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hang on. Does this bottle say, "default deputy"? No. No. It says, "Damon's good stuff. Do not touch."
[Coughing]
Stefan: Take Bonnie. Get out of here. It's about to get ugly.
My brother told the story wrong. Ugh! Uh... Ooh! Aagh! What are you doing? Aagh! Aagh! Aagh! Aagh!
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Run-out groove crackling]
Uhh... Mhh...
Lily: What did I do to make you hate me so much? It's not about you.
Lily: Not about me? Ever since I've been back, all you have done is try to strip me of my happiness. Answer me. What did I do wrong?
[Footsteps]
Well, I see Stefan's plan went swimmingly. Probably explains why your fake guests are leaving.
Lily: Sit down, both of you.
Damon: Oh, well, we wouldn't want to wear out our welcome. Ha ha! Brother, let's hit the road. Sit down, son, or I'll seat you myself. Ok. Hmm, over a hundred years inside this thing, although in this, my own custom-made hell, time is meaningless. The pain, the emptiness, the complete lack of humanity is quite literally endless. No. Every day is the same. I wake up. I try to escape, but instead, I end up killing the person that I love the most. Every day, over and over again, I drive a stake through your mother. It's almost enough to turn even the soundest mind mad, but when you're over 475 years old, you learn a thing or two about yourself. This couldn't be real because I would never bring harm to your mother. Hell was playing tricks on me, hmm? It was trying to break me, but, no, I wouldn't let it because I knew that if I did snap... Ooh, no, no... I wouldn't be a man. I'd be a monster. Julian. Your children have no respect for you. Rrgh...
Lily: Julian! Knock it off. Ah!
Lily: Julian. Julian. Julian. [Gasps] Boys, out now.
[SCENE_BREAK]
I wonder what WebMD would have to say about me now. It's probably best not to find out. A woman was wielding a sword that pierced my heart. The blade was metal. It shouldn't have been able to kill me, but it did. Did you just remember this? I also remembered my name. I think I'm Florence. Well, it's nice to meet you, Florence.
Birdy: ♪ I've been sleepless at night... ♪ I am so sorry that I put you through this. It's ok. I know you want your wife back. I'm sorry I'm not her. I wish I was. She was a lucky woman.
Birdy: ♪ if I look back to the start now... ♪ You would have been an amazing husband.
Birdy: ♪ I see everything true ♪ ♪ there's still a fire in my heart, my darling ♪
It's been so nice... It's been so nice to hear her voice again. Thank you. Thank you for allowing me to say good-bye.
Birdy: ♪ and who says love should ♪
[Alaric sobs]
Birdy: ♪ break us when we fall? ♪
Good-bye, Ric.
Birdy: ♪ and if we're strong enough ♪ ♪ to let it in ♪ ♪ mm mm mm, mm mm mm ♪ ♪ we're strong enough ♪ ♪ to let it go ♪ ♪ oh oh oh, oh oh ♪ ♪ let it all go, let it all go, let it all out now ♪ ♪ we're strong enough ♪ ♪ to let it go ♪ ♪ oh oh oh, oh oh ♪
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Rattling]
Hey, hey, what are you doing here?
Bonnie: He did actually see us, didn't he? All right, everybody. Please stand up. We're gonna get you out of here, ok? [Snap snap]
Bonnie: It's not gonna work, Matt. Someone compelled them to be here.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Sanguinem filio, sanguinem effugarex perpetuum... Do you want the white sheet or the off-white sheet? I don't care. You choose. Effugarex perpetuum... What are you doing? What is that? It's my wedding video post-explosion. I've never been able to watch it past the wedding vows. Valerie, turn it off. Quiet. I recognize this chant. That Gemini kid Kai thought they were sending him to a prison world. Who cares? Turn it off. No. You're not listening. They weren't sending him away, Caroline. They were trying to save the next generation of Gemini twins. I think your babies are still alive.
[SCENE_BREAK]
He's still alive, so I don't know what you're moping about. No talking until I'm seeing two of you. Then I'll kick both of your asses. This is why there is a hard line between good and evil, Stefan. I don't cross over into your territory. Don't cross over into mine. This isn't about you, Damon. Get over it. You know, I never thought I'd say this, Stefan, but I miss the days when you just let your big brother handle all the dirty work. Quite frankly, I can't figure out why you have such a big beef with this guy, unless v-card Valerie got under your skin. You don't want to start with me right now, Damon. I'm surprised, Stefan. I thought Caroline was the one, and yet, again, we all thought Elena was the one, huh? What is it about the first time that just makes it so memorable? I got Valerie pregnant... What? In 1863. Julian found out about it, and he beat her until the baby was no longer alive. Oh... I could've been a father. Why didn't you just tell me? What'd you want me to do, tell you I could've had a kid and watch you brush it off with some glib joke about how it was 150 years ago? Yeah. I know it was 150 years ago, Damon, and it's stupid how much it affects me, but it still does. I want him dead, Damon. No one's gonna stop me from killing him... Not in 6 months, not in 6 weeks... Now.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Valerie: Twins are the lifeblood of the Gemini coven. If a pregnant mother is in danger, then the transfer is our magical failsafe. It's rarely used but used nonetheless. Ric, tell me that this isn't crazy. My wife, who died months ago, just looked me in the eyes and said good-bye to me. Why the hell not? Because I don't want you to get your hopes up for something that's insane. I need your blood. Now put it here... Indonesia, farthest geographical point from Mystic Falls. Your progeny are, obviously, made up of your DNA. If they're alive, the blood will travel along the map. Once it's in the proximity of the babies, the map should ignite. Close your eyes. Clear your mind. Phesmatos quare infantatum. Phesmatos quare filios. Ado finet terraeum. Nunc temos rogamus. Combutis et sanguinem. Phesmatos quare infantatum.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Stefan: May I ask you something? Did Julian remind you of anyone in particular tonight? The almighty Giuseppe Salvatore. Mm-hmm. You saw it, too. Yep, although I will say, Julian's right hook has got a little more heft to it. Elena and I talked about starting a family. I mean, it was fantasy, but still, we secretly knew as long as she was a vampire, it's all it was. Then she took the cure, and all of a sudden, having a real family was a possibility. Granted, it'd be dysfunctional as hell, but we'd have a real human family. Did it ever scare you, the thought that maybe you'd turn out like our father? The guy sent our mom away to die alone. He bullied us for years, and then he shot us. If anything, I just want to be a great dad to spite him. Hmm. What about you? Well, I've been on this earth for 160-some years, and I've seen the world at 30,000 feet. I've traveled to every continent and learned how to cook, built a Porsche. I think my only regret would be not having a kid. If you want Julian dead, I'll help you. Tomorrow, tonight, now... I'm in.
[SCENE_BREAK]
What the hell happened down there? You were in a blind rage. Ha! Rage? We offered them escargot and wine, and your boy threw me in the fire, so he's lucky that he still has his head. They were just trying to hurt me, all right? Look. The whole point of tonight was to end this feud, not start a new one. Why do you care what they think? The Lily that I remember moved on from her children. Where's the girl that I fell in love with, the girl that I found irresistible? I can't say that I recognize this version. This version has no desire to see her children dead. If you have a problem with that, we have a problem. Lily... Perhaps I'm more affected by my time away than I wanted to admit. You know I was wishing that the hell had gone away, but my mind, it's not right. I mean, the truth is, I'm frightened that I'm not the Julian that you remember. We'll fix it.
[Sighs]
We'll fix it together, all right, but you must promise me nothing like that will ever happen again. Well, in the meantime... [Sniffles] I need to feel safe. Your kids will strike again, and I need to protect myself. What I believe you have in mind will take the cooperation of the entire family. It will, but I don't anticipate that to be a problem. They love me.
Valerie: Finet terraeum. Nunc temos rogamus. Combutis et sanguinem. Phesmatos quare infantatum. Ado finet terraeum. Nunc temos rogamus. Combutis et sanguinem. Phesmatos quare filios.
Caroline: Guys, I don't think it's working.
Valerie: Nunc temos rogamus. Combutis et sanguinem.
Caroline: Guys, stop. The spell isn't working, ok? The blood's just off the map now. See? I warned you not to get your hopes up. Oh, my God! Ok. What the hell happened?
Valerie: Not possible.
Caroline: What's not possible?
Valerie: Babies. They're here.
Caroline: Where, huh, floating in a raft look at the map. Your spell didn't work.
Valerie: They're not on the map, Caroline. They're inside of you. | Plan: A: Lily; Q: Who intervenes in the fight between Julian and the Salvatore brothers? A: a party; Q: What do Lily and the Heretics throw at Salvatore manor? A: Bonnie; Q: Who tries to make Lily jealous of Enzo? A: her suddenly declining health; Q: What is the problem with Jo? A: Valerie; Q: Who finds out that the twins are still alive? A: Caroline; Q: Who is now a production manager at a news channel? A: the vampire soul; Q: What was not compatible with Jo's body? A: the Salvatore brothers; Q: Who does Julian get into an argument with? A: her children; Q: Who does Lily say she will never let suffer? A: the twins; Q: What is inside Caroline's body? A: a locator spell; Q: What did Valerie and Caroline make that seemed to point nowhere? A: Rick's home; Q: Where does Damon go to talk about his twins? A: deep conversation; Q: What is Damon and Rick doing when Caroline appears on television? A: Alaric; Q: Who is Caroline engaged to? A: Stefan Salvatore; Q: Who does Caroline announce there is a message for? Summary: Lily and the Heretics throw a party at Salvatore manor which Stefan and Damon also attend. Bonnie arrives with Enzo and she tries to make Lily jealous for Enzo. Meanwhile, Rick deals with Jo and her suddenly declining health. Valerie and Caroline arrive there, where Valerie explains that Jo was human and the vampire soul is not compatible with her body which meant that she was as good as dead. Back in the manor, Julian and the Salvatore brothers get into an argument which brings them to fight until Lily intervenes and says she will never let her children suffer. Rick has to let go of Jo but Valerie finds out the twins are still alive. They then make a locator spell which seems to points nowhere but shockingly Valerie deduces that the twins are inside Caroline's body. Flashforward: Three years from now on, Damon arrives at Rick's home to talk about his twins. While they are in deep conversation, Caroline, who is now a production manager at a news channel and engaged to Alaric, appears on television bloodied announcing there is a message for Stefan Salvatore. |
FURY FROM THE DEEP
by VICTOR PEMBERTON
first broadcast - 30th March 1968 running time - 25mins 34secs
[SCENE_BREAK]
1. IMPELLER AREA
(ROBSON enters the room and the CHIEF calls him over.)
CHIEF: Chief!
ROBSON: What's the matter?
CHIEF: Mr Robson, that noise in the impeller, it's started again. I think we should go down and check the main valve.
ROBSON: Oh, you do, do you?
CHIEF: It's right where we think the blockage is.
(ROBSON catches the "We".)
ROBSON: We?
CHIEF: Well, Mr Van Luty...
ROBSON: Mr Van Lutyens. I thought he'd get his nose in.
ENGINEER: Come on!
ROBSON: You lot get back to work!
(He spots VAN LUTYENS and starts to march up to him.)
ROBSON: Van Lutyens, I want to talk to you.
(VAN LUTYENS is standing by the actual pipeline.)
VAN LUTYENS: Mr Robson, there is something alive in the pipeline.
(It is clear that ROBSON is just holding onto his temper.)
ROBSON: You're out of your mind, there's nothing down there.
CHIEF: I promise you, sir, I did hear something.
ROBSON: You've been unnerving my crew. Now you, get out!
(The heartbeat starts up again.)
VAN LUTYENS: Listen!
(The CHIEF hears it too.)
CHIEF: That's it!
ROBSON: Did you hear what I said?
VAN LUTYENS: Shut up and listen will you! Down there... in the darkness... waiting...
[SCENE_BREAK]
2. HARRIS' QUARTERS
(In the bedroom, the DOCTOR and his companions are looking at the seaweed on the floor while HARRIS is trying to wake his sleeping wife on the bed. JAMIE reaches out to pick up the seaweed...)
DOCTOR: No, Jamie, don't touch it.
JAMIE: But it's only a piece of seaweed.
DOCTOR: Yes, unless it really did move like Victoria said.
JAMIE: Oh, how can it move. It's not a living thing, is it?
DOCTOR: Everything in the sea is living, Jamie.
VICTORIA: Well it did move! It gave me a shock. It was like a spider.
(The DOCTOR takes out an empty polythene bag.)
DOCTOR: Yes, well we're not taking any chances. Hold that for me, will you?
(He hands JAMIE the bag.)
JAMIE: Well what's this for?
DOCTOR: We're going to take a closer look at this weed. Now bring the bag down here. Right onto the floor. Don't let it touch your fingers.
(Using a pencil, the DOCTOR puts the seaweed in the bag.)
DOCTOR: Careful, slowly does it. Mind your fingers. There...
JAMIE: What are you going to do with it?
(He seals the bag up.)
DOCTOR: We're going to see if an ordinary piece of seaweed really can move.
(HARRIS sits on the bed. He has been unable to wake MAGGIE up.)
HARRIS: Doctor, my wife, will she be all right?
DOCTOR: Oh yes, I think so. I don't think there is any panic, but I'd get her under medical supervision if I was you.
HARRIS: Yes, I'll go back to the Medicare Centre at the Compound and arrange for her to be taken in there.
DOCTOR: Yes, you do that.
(He leaves his quarters - a very upset man.)
VICTORIA: Poor man.
(JAMIE realises something...)
JAMIE: Aye. Hey! I thought we were supposed to be prisoners?
DOCTOR: Yes, so did I. We better make the most of it, um. We've got a lot of work to do back at the TARDIS. She seems to be sleeping peacefully. Come on.
[SCENE_BREAK]
3. IMPELLER ROOM
(The three men were still discussing the heartbeat.)
CHIEF: What is it, that sound?
VAN LUTYENS: It's uncanny... it's like a heartbeat.
(The heartbeat stops.)
CHIEF: It's stopped again.
VAN LUTYENS: Well this is surely proof enough!
ROBSON: Proof?
VAN LUTYENS: That there is something down there blocking the impeller
(ROBSON doesn't believe this.)
ROBSON: Rubbish! Hysterical nonsense.
VAN LUTYENS: But you heard it. That dreadful sound...
ROBSON: I heard a fault in the base of the impeller.
VAN LUTYENS: But the impeller isn't working! Don't you believe a thing until you see it?
(But ROBSON has had enough.)
ROBSON: I want that pump operational in half an hour! Now get to it!
(He storms out...)
[SCENE_BREAK]
4. TARDIS - SCIENCE ROOM
(In the Science Room, the DOCTOR drops his seaweed specimen into a small glass tank. Attached to the side of the tank are two miniature metal cylinders containing two transparent tubes inserted through holes on either side of the tank.)
JAMIE: What are you doing, Doctor?
DOCTOR: Well you see, Jamie, these two cylinders contain a small amount of natural gas. It should be quite interesting to see what sort of effect it... it has on the weed. How are you doing, Victoria?
(VICTORIA is at a workbench nearby, heating some liquid in a test tube over a Bunsen flame.)
VICTORIA: I don't know, I think you ought to have a look.
(The DOCTOR took the tube.)
DOCTOR: Um... Oh yes, well that's got the natural iron... content.
VICTORIA: Well I did the Bunsen test, like you told me, but I found something which worried me.
DOCTOR: Oh yes, I'm not surprised. Is this hot?
VICTORIA: No, no.
(VICTORIA reaches across to a bulb-shaped glass container. Inside is a small particle of the seaweed specimen floating in a colourless liquid. The sides of the container are tarnished with something which resembled rust...)
DOCTOR: You see this a... this rusty stuff here.
VICTORIA: Yes.
DOCTOR: Well it means that the weed is giving out a gas - probably toxic.
VICTORIA: Toxic?
DOCTOR: Um.
(JAMIE is at the DOCTOR's table, peering into the microscope.)
JAMIE: Hey, Doctor! What are these little wriggly things in the weed?
DOCTOR: Now just a minute, Jamie... looking at...
(What JAMIE has just said makes the DOCTOR turn about.)
DOCTOR: ...little wriggly things! Where?
JAMIE: Here, look. Look in there.
(The DOCTOR gives VICTORIA the bottle and goes over and takes over from JAMIE and peers into the microscope.)
DOCTOR: Jamie! This is it! There's molecular movement! Come and see, Victoria. There! Why, that's amazing.
JAMIE: What does it mean?
DOCTOR: Hmmmmmmm...
(Getting no answer from the DOCTOR, VICTORIA decides to spell it out for JAMIE.)
VICTORIA: It means, Jamie, that the weed is just as much alive as you and me.
(They look at the seaweed in amazement.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
5. CONTROL HALL
(HARRIS, coming back into the Control Cone, bumps into VAN LUTYENS.)
VAN LUTYENS: Ah, Mr Harris. I've been trying to get hold of you. Mr Robson won't listen to reason.
HARRIS: (Snaps.) I'm sorry, Van Lutyens, I've got something more important on my mind at the moment.
VAN LUTYENS: Important! What is more important...?
HARRIS: My wife is ill! Get out of my way, man.
(He charges out into the corridor and marches into the Control Cone.)
HARRIS: Price!
PRICE: Yes, sir
HARRIS: Is Doctor Paterson back?
PRICE: No, we've heard nothing from D Rig, sir.
HARRIS: Right. Get on to the Matron at the Medicare Unit and tell her to send a couple of orderlies over to my quarters with a stretcher to bring my wife in. She's ill.
PRICE: Yes, sir.
(ROBSON notices the new arrival and marches over, ready to have a go at him too.)
ROBSON: What's the panic now, Harris?
HARRIS: Oh, and get on with it.
ROBSON: Harris, I asked you a question.
HARRIS: My wife is ill. She needs medical attention.
ROBSON: What's the matter with her, she got a hangover?
HARRIS: She's very ill, Mr Robson.
ROBSON: Who says so, that Doctor fellow? Incidentally, where is he and the two kids?
HARRIS: Oh... well, I left them in my quarters when I found my wife was ill.
ROBSON: You what? Those three prisoners were in your charge and you left them there?
HARRIS: I was worried about my wife. I didn't have time to think about it...
ROBSON: That's your trouble you never do think, do you Harris, when you should. Those three prisoners were in your charge.
HARRIS: I don't care. Don't you understand? My wife was lying on the floor when I got there. She was unconscious and that smell of toxic gas was there. She's been poisoned, Robson, poisoned!
VAN LUTYENS: And this toxic gas, where does it come from?
HARRIS: Oh, I don't know.
ROBSON: And none of us will know now you've let them loose.
HARRIS: How could they possibly have anything to do with it?
(Both men's voices rise with the argument.)
ROBSON: That still doesn't alter the fact that you let those prisoners go without my authority.
HARRIS: Prisoners? A harmless old man and a couple of... teenagers?
ROBSON: That "harmless old man" is probably a saboteur. It's probably him that's been tampering with that release valve on the shoreline. Creating all those variations in pressure you got so excited about!
HARRIS: Oh don't be so ridiculous, Robson. You're clutching at straws, stupidly blind to the real facts!
ROBSON: Don't shout at me, boy!
(The CHIEF enters from the Impeller Area.)
CHIEF: Mr Robson, sir. Mr Robson. The impeller, it's moving again.
ROBSON: Good man. I told you it was only a mechanical fault, didn't I?
CHIEF: It just started quite... suddenly.
ROBSON: Well keep it going, man.
CHIEF: I don't know if we can...
ROBSON: Don't lose it now.
(ROBSON shouts out at everybody.)
ROBSON: You fools! You stupid fools!
CHIEF: Well the fault's not this end! It must be jammed at the base.
(The Controller whirls about on VAN LUTYENS in fury...)
ROBSON: You wanted this, didn't you? It's just what you wanted!
VAN LUTYENS: You should have listened to me, Robson.
ROBSON: What? Turned off the flow? Ruined a reputation of thirty years.
VAN LUTYENS: Reputation! Don't you realise that what is going on here is beyond your comprehension? That whatever it is that is in the pipelines - that's jamming the impeller, has taken over the rigs - is a menace and a threat to us all?
ROBSON: The only menace and threat around here is you, Van Lutyens and you Harris. Listen...
(He notices the other members of the Control Cone staff are looking at him.)
ROBSON: WHAT ARE YOU STARING AT!?
(Back to the other major members of staff...)
ROBSON: I want that impeller working in half an hour. I'll be in my quarters. Let me know as soon as the impeller starts moving again.
(He storms out of the room.)
VAN LUTYENS: (Swearing in Dutch.) He's cracking up, Harris.
HARRIS: (Starts to leave the room.) Look. I've got to get back to my wife.
VAN LUTYENS: Harris! You can't go now. He's losing control.
HARRIS: My wife's been poisoned.
VAN LUTYENS: She's in good hands, ya? She'll be brought into the Medicare Unit. What can you do?
HARRIS: But I ought to go and see her.
VAN LUTYENS: To hang about and worry, that's all. Robson is cracking up. You're the only man with authority to take over. We need you here.
(HARRIS gives it some thought and then calls the CHIEF over.)
HARRIS: Chief.
CHIEF: Sir.
HARRIS: Mr Robson, you know him better than any of us... How do... do you think he's all right?
CHIEF: Well he's under a lot of pressure, I think his nerves are a bit...
VAN LUTYENS: Yeah pressure, strain. He's cracking up, I tell you.
CHIEF: Well you're not helping him you know.
VAN LUTYENS: That's not my job. I'm here to give technical advice, which he ignores. All right, he knows a lot about engineering, but not all. And what he does not know is the state of mind of those men out on the rigs.
CHIEF: He ought to know. He was out on those rigs himself long enough.
VAN LUTYENS: Oh Yeah, yeah, yeah. Plenty of professional experience of normal conditions, but these are not normal conditions. There is something very strange going on here, but he refuses to accept the new factor.
CHIEF: So what... what do you think he should do?
VAN LUTYENS: I know what I would do - close the Compound, evacuate the rigs!
CHIEF: He'd never do it.
VAN LUTYENS: We've lost contact with two rigs. We have a major blockage in the main pipeline. The impeller is jammed, and we still don't know what is causing the trouble.
CHIEF: But we regained contact with Baxter on Rig D and he said everything was under control.
VAN LUTYENS: Yeah, and we've not heard from him since. And what about Rig C?
CHIEF: Oh that could be a telecommunications fault somewhere.
VAN LUTYENS: Yeah, it could be, but we have to check that it is, and we have to check the valve at the base of the impeller. But what does Robson do? Nothing! Nothing!
HARRIS: Well I suppose he might listen if we all put it to him. What do you think, Chief?
CHIEF: You're absolutely right of course. We must check.
[SCENE_BREAK]
6. TARDIS, SCIENCE ROOM
(The DOCTOR has got an old dusty book open. He finds a page with a picture of the Weed Creature.)
VICTORIA: That's it, Doctor! That's the creature I saw back at the Compound.
DOCTOR: Yes. Yes, I was afraid it would be.
VICTORIA: But how did it get in this book?
DOCTOR: Well I told you, Victoria, this is a book of legends and superstitions. This particular drawing is supplied by ancient mariners in the North Sea in the middle of the eighteenth century, Jamie.
JAMIE: That's my time. You mean to say, this is the creature Victoria saw back at the Compound.
DOCTOR: Yes I think there's no doubt about it.
JAMIE: Well, what about these great clumps of weed.
DOCTOR: Well there's obviously some connection between the weed and the creatures themselves.
(JAMIE's face suddenly starts to curl. He is building up to a sneeze.)
JAMIE: Ah, aahh.
(JAMIE sneezes, but the DOCTOR points back at the seaweed specimen in the glass tank. It has doubled its size and its tentacles are hanging menacingly over the edge of the white foam-covered tank. The heartbeat sound is increasing in strength.)
VICTORIA: Oh, no!
DOCTOR: Gas! Jamie! Jamie, help me get the lid on! Oh, no... quickly!
(VICTORIA screams out loud, just as the DOCTOR dodges the tentacles. To their amazement the heartbeat stops and the tentacles flop back inside the tank. The two men push the top over the glass tank.)
DOCTOR: I was right. The weed formations are feeding off the natural gas beneath the North Sea and giving of toxic gas. Come on. We must get back to Harris'... Harris' quarters. Come along. Just a minute, that weed went back in its tank very suddenly, didn't it? I wonder why? Come on.
VICTORIA: Oh!
(All three rush out of the room.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
7. CONTROL CONE
(From the observation deck, ROBSON has listened to the others' ideas and now... totally loses it...)
ROBSON: (Screaming so that everybody looks at him.) No, I will not listen! It's you Van Lutyens, isn't it? Isn't it? You've been undermining my authority ever since you came here. You and Harris. You've been stirring up trouble just to get at me, haven't you? You've even got the Chief on your side now. One of my oldest and trusted friends.
CHIEF: Mr Robson...
ROBSON: At least I thought I could trust you.
CHIEF: Mr Robson, all we wanted to do is...
ROBSON: I know what you want! I know what you all want! You gonna get at me, just to give up! I'm not going to give you that pleasure. Why don't you go and join him? Go on, join Van Lutyens! Go on, join him! What are you standing around for? What are you starring at? I'm in charge! I'm in charge here!
HARRIS: Mr Robson!
ROBSON: I'm in charge of this Compound, Harris! It's my responsibility! Mine! My responsibility!
(And he rushes out of the room.)
VAN LUTYENS: Do you still think he's capable of running this place? You do what you like. I'm going to get in touch with my people in the Hague.
HARRIS: What can they do?
VAN LUTYENS: Well they might push your people in London into some sort of action. (To PRICE.) Give me a direct line to Van der Post, Hague Central!
PRICE: Yes, sir.
[SCENE_BREAK]
8. ROBSON'S CABIN
(ROBSON slams the door behind him and locks it. He takes a picture out from a drawer and stares at it. It's the picture of a young woman. He then collapses on the bed, trying to rest. Outside the room, Mr. OAK moves forward and tries to open the door. ROBSON is alerted to the fact that somebody is at the door.)
ROBSON: Who's there? Go away. I'm not to be disturbed.
(Mr. OAK smiles and moves to a switch marked EMERGENCY VENT. He turns the switch to OPEN... In the cabin, ROBSON is lying on his bunk, trying to sleep. Suddenly, his eyes spring open and stare at the ceiling. He hears a slight hum coming from the ventilation grille. For a moment nothing happens. Then the heartbeat starts up and a large bit of white foam erupts from the ventilator grille!)
ROBSON: Aaarrgh!
(The foam lands on ROBSON's face... Outside the room HARRIS hears ROBSON's screams.)
HARRIS: Mr Robson!
(HARRIS tries to open the door, but ROBSON opens it himself. He is in a state of panic.)
ROBSON: No... no... aarrgh! My face... aarrgh!
(HARRIS sees the white foam. He tries to hold ROBSON and get him to explain what's happened, but ROBSON pushes HARRIS out of the way and runs down the corridor.)
HARRIS: (Shouting.) Mr Robson, wait! I need your permission to send two men down the impeller shaft...
(But ROBSON was out of sight.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
9. HARRIS' QUARTERS
(VICTORIA helps the DOCTOR down the corridor towards the quarters.)
DOCTOR: Well, thank you, Victoria. Yes, nobody here. Better that way.
JAMIE: You speak for yourself. I'd rather... ah!
VICTORIA: Oh no!
JAMIE: Ahtchoo!
(This alerts the DOCTOR to the fact that there is gas in the Quarters.)
DOCTOR: Gas!
(All three cover their mouths.)
VICTORIA: Where's it coming from?
DOCTOR: Jamie, try the kitchen.
(JAMIE tries the kitchen, while the DOCTOR and VICTORIA try the Bedroom. The DOCTOR switches on the bedroom light... The air is immediately pierced by the thumping, heartbeat sound. VICTORIA screams hysterically as the floor crawls with clumps of pulsating seaweed, whose bubbled tendrils reach out from the mass of white foam. Realising that there is no one in the room, the DOCTOR and VICTORIA rush back out.)
DOCTOR: Mrs Harris! She's gone away!
VICTORIA: Mrs Harris?
DOCTOR: Mrs Harris. Oh yes of course, Mr Harris had her taken over to the medical centre. At least I hope he did.
JAMIE: Doctor, quick help me!
DOCTOR: That's Jamie!
VICTORIA: Jamie!
JAMIE: Doctor, I'm in here.
(The DOCTOR burst into the kitchen to find JAMIE in real trouble. The patio door is wide open and JAMIE is balanced precariously on top of a table in the middle of the room. All around him, the floor is covered in foam, just like in the bedroom...)
JAMIE: I can't hold out much longer.
VICTORIA: Oh! Oh!
DOCTOR: Quick! The terrace!
(JAMIE still keeps shouting for help, and the DOCTOR and VICTORIA keep on moving about the house.)
DOCTOR: Victoria, follow me!
VICTORIA: What are we going to do?
(The DOCTOR notices a pair of long curtains hanging at the hall windows.)
DOCTOR: Give me a hand!
(He tears down the curtains with VICTORIA's help.)
DOCTOR: Come on!
(They both rush to the terrace.)
DOCTOR: Jamie, Catch this!
(The DOCTOR throws one end of the curtains to JAMIE who catches it.)
DOCTOR: Come on, you can do this! Come on.
(JAMIE manages to tie his end of the Curtains to the leg of the Table.)
DOCTOR: Press it down, Victoria!
(And they start to pull JAMIE's table out of the kitchen to safety.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
10. ROBSON'S QUARTERS
(HARRIS, VAN LUTYENS and PRICE burst into ROBSON's cabin.)
HARRIS: In here, look!
(There is nothing there. The ventilator the grille is broken.)
HARRIS: Well it was in here. I saw it!
VAN LUTYENS: You did?
HARRIS: Yes, it was moving. Something alive. You don't believe me!
VAN LUTYENS: Oh yes, I believe you, Mr Harris. It must have come out of the ventilator grille, like it did in the oxygen store.
HARRIS: You mean when that girl Victoria was locked in.
VAN LUTYENS: Yeah. And having achieved its purpose, back down the shaft.
HARRIS: Purpose? What purpose?
VAN LUTYENS: Who knows? We know very little about it. And no one's tried to find out.
[SCENE_BREAK]
11. CONTROL CONE
(During this conversation, VAN LUTYENS and HARRIS walk back from ROBSON's Quarters to the Control Cone.)
HARRIS: I know.
VAN LUTYENS: Least of all Robson.
HARRIS: Yes, he rushed out of here as though he were... he was out of his mind.
VAN LUTYENS: You better alert security. He may do himself some harm.
HARRIS: Yes, you're right. At least the stuff won't get out of here.
VAN LUTYENS: Oh really, Mr Harris. There must be hundreds of grills in this Compound. And once the foam has got into the shaft it could emerge from any one of them.
HARRIS: I suppose you're right. Then we must insist that all emergency ventilators are kept shut.
VAN LUTYENS: Mr Harris, you know what you must do now?
HARRIS: (In puzzlement.) Do?
VAN LUTYENS: Assert yourself. Take over the Compound.
(The two men arrive at the Control Cone.)
HARRIS: Price!
PRICE: Yes, sir.
HARRIS: I want you to alert the security posts. Mr Robson may be ill. I'd like to know his whereabouts.
PRICE: Very good, sir.
HARRIS: And order all areas to keep their emergency air vents closed. Understand?
PRICE: Yes, sir.
VAN LUTYENS: You're taking over then?
HARRIS: Robson is still officially in charge.
VAN LUTYENS: I've already informed my authorities at the Hague. You must do the same with your Director in London.
HARRIS: Yes. Price.
PRICE: Yes, sir.
HARRIS: Get me Board Headquarters. I want to speak to Megan Jones.
[SCENE_BREAK]
12. CORRIDOR
(The DOCTOR and his two companions walk back down the corridor towards the Control Cone.)
DOCTOR: Are you all right, Jamie?
JAMIE: Oh, I've come over dizzy.
DOCTOR: Well you just rest a while.
JAMIE: I'll just get my breath back.
VICTORIA: Doctor, why is it that we always land up in trouble?
DOCTOR: Well Victoria, it's the spice of life, my dear.
VICTORIA: Well I'm not so sure. I don't really like being scared out of my wits every second.
DOCTOR: Is something wrong?
VICTORIA: Well I just wish that one... Oh never mind.
(VICTORIA walks off ahead of the two men down the corridor.)
DOCTOR: You 'right, Jamie? Come with me.
JAMIE: What's the matter with Victoria?
(The DOCTOR looks at JAMIE, and they move off along the corridor.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
13. CONTROL CONE
(PRICE is talking to a woman in her late forties on the communicator viewscreen.)
PRICE: Thank you, Miss Jones. We'll see you then in three hours time. Goodbye.
HARRIS: Three hours, and the whole Compound will be crawling with board officials.
VAN LUTYENS: Let's hope the situation doesn't get any worse.
HARRIS: I only hope Megan Jones understands why I've taken over. It was she who insisted that Robson should know this particular complex in the early days.
VAN LUTYENS: You did right, I will stand by you. You couldn't let Robson go on. You had the men on the rigs to think of. They are now her responsibility.
HARRIS: If only we knew what we were up against. These creatures that have been getting into the refinery, where do they come from? We don't even know what they are?
(The TARDIS crew enters the room.)
DOCTOR: That's where you're wrong, Mr Harris. We do know what they are. At least I think we do. Seaweed!
HARRIS: Seaweed?
DOCTOR: Yes. Not the sort that you'd normally find on the beach. This seaweed happens to be dangerously alive.
HARRIS: Alive? But how can it be...
DOCTOR: I think you better listen to me. I think you'd all better listen to me. Large formations of seaweed have been coming up on the beaches along this coast. Seaweed that shows clear indications of having life like human beings.
CHIEF: Is it this seaweed that's blocking the pipes then?
DOCTOR: Yes, I think there's no doubt about it.
VAN LUTYENS: We must clear the base of the impeller.
DOCTOR: No wait! The weed is capable of protecting itself. It gives of a toxic gas. It's also a parasite. It attaches itself to other living things.
HARRIS: You mean human beings? But what happens to them?
DOCTOR: I'm afraid I don't know.
HARRIS: But my wife was stung by the seaweed.
DOCTOR: Ah yes, but she survived, didn't she? How is she?
HARRIS: Well I asked the Medicare Centre to bring her in. Price. Get Medicare for me and ask how my wife is now. Doctor, I've just seen one of these creature things that your young friend saw in the Oxygen Room.
DOCTOR: Oh, where?
HARRIS: In Mr Robson's cabin. It might have attacked him. He was in a wild state when I went in and just run out. He hasn't been seen since.
DOCTOR: Oh dear.
(PRICE turns from the communicator.)
PRICE: Mr Harris, sir.
HARRIS: Yes?
PRICE: The Matron says she's sorry, she hasn't brought your wife in yet. But she's sending someone over now.
(This news causes the DOCTOR to rush up to the group in alarm.)
DOCTOR: What!
HARRIS: What is it, Doctor?
DOCTOR: Well we've just come from your quarters, your wife wasn't there!
JAMIE: The place was covered with seaweed...
HARRIS: (To the DOCTOR.) Is this right?
DOCTOR: Yes. Yes, I'm afraid it is.
HARRIS: Then where is she? Where is she? I must go and find her.
VAN LUTYENS: Wait! Well where do you think she is? Do you think it has anything to do with this seaweed stuff?
DOCTOR: (With a puzzled, but mostly worried look.) I don't know. I simply don't know.
[SCENE_BREAK]
14. BEACH
(MAGGIE HARRIS is staring out to sea. She becomes aware that she is no longer alone anymore. Expecting the new arrival, she turns her head to talk over her shoulder.)
MAGGIE: (Soft and controlled.) There is little time. You know what you must do?
(The new arrival is ROBSON.)
ROBSON: Yes
MAGGIE: You will obey?
(ROBSON nods... Then, like an unseen signal has been given, MAGGIE, unblinking, and with icy calm, starts to move down towards the sea. ROBSON watches her march straight into the foam-covered sea until her head disappears under the waves... All the while the unmistakable sound of the heartbeat throbs on...) | Plan: A: the Doctor; Q: Who begins his investigation into the weed creatures? A: the refinery; Q: Where is Robson attacked by a weed creature? Summary: While the Doctor begins his investigation into the weed creatures, Robson is attacked by one at the refinery. |
55th Episode of Roswell
Production Code: 3ADA12
[SCENE_BREAK]
Opens with Maria and Sheriff Valenti singing Meatloaf's song By the Dashboard light. With Kyle and Liz sitting at a table watching them.
Kyle: Am I the only one who sees the creepiness in this?
Liz: Get a grip. They sound amazing. Ah where's everybody else?
Kyle: There's so many other duets out there. Clean duets. Aaron Neville And Linda Ronstat could keep their hands off each other. So can Elton John And Kee kee Dee.
Liz: Elton John likes boys (slipping her coke)
Kyle: Yeah well, did the captain ever grind on Tennille?
Liz: What? Who?
Kyle: Oh in the name of all that is holy (covers his eyes) Stay off each other! Liz laughs.
Kyle: I gotta wash my eyes. He leaves disgusted. Max walks in.
Max: Hey. (Kisses Liz on the head and sits down beside her)
Liz: mmm. (Still sipping on her coke) Hi! You missed half the set.
Max: (taking off his coat) Yeah I got held up at the library.
Liz: Oh um, well isn't Isabel and Jesse coming?
Max: Uh they're in Santa Fe tonight.
Liz: What about Michael?
Max: I dunno.
Liz: This is a big thing for Maria. She's been practicing for like over a week, None of her friends showed up. Max watching Maria and Valenti.
Max: I don't think she's gonna notice. (Puts his arm around Liz) Come on I'm sorry.
Liz: I'm not the one you should be apologizing to.
Max: What's wrong?
Liz: Nothing, I think I'm coming down with something.
Max: Well there is a bad flu going around.
Liz: Ah perfect.
Max: Yeah it's terrible. Fever, sore throat, nausea and an uncontrollable urge to dance. (Pulls Liz up out of her chair)
Liz: No, Max. Please Max. Please, I don't, Oh She gets up and as she is, she touches her plate. She and Max go on the dance floor to dance. As there dancing a waiter comes to take Liz's plate and burns his hand the plate that has now melted. Liz laughing and dancing. Maria sitting at the Crashdown.
Liz: Pluto potato skins on the house.
Maria: mmm thank you.
Liz: Congratulations. I'm gonna call it a night ok?
(Kisses Maria on the cheek)
Maria: k
Liz: Bye
Maria: Bye.
Sheriff Valenti walks up to Maria.
Jim: Maria before I forget, here's your cut from the cowpatties. Its Not much...
Maria: Come on, it's all for the love of the loaf.
(Jim smiles at her)
Jim: Hey the guys and I have been talkin and we put it to a unanimous
Vote. How would you like to sit in with the Kitshickers on a more Permanent basis.
Maria: No Shick.
Jim: mmm, I mean you wouldn't just be singing back up either. You'd Sing a few solo numbers. We'd sing together of course.
Maria: mmhmm.
Jim: I've been workin on a set list. Baby its cold outside. Don Rockabilly
Maria: Nice.
Jim: Um, Stop draggin my heart around.
Maria: Classic.
Jim: Islands in the stream.
Maria: Not so much.
Jim: Forget that one. What do you say?
Maria: Sure.
Jim: Great. Practice is tomorrow.
Maria: Ok Music Scout walks up to Jim and Maria.
Scout: I am loving you. Dominique Vazar. Medusa Records. I was At your show.
Jim: Oh, Thank you. Jim Valenti, Lead singer.
Dom: You were really really good, P.S. I never say that.
Jim: Thanks it was a new set. Maria's a nice addition don't you think.
Dom: Oh ah were you there too.
Jim: Lead singer.
Dom: Oh, ah sure. S' a good job. Maria? Maria, what?
Maria: De Luca.
Dom: Maria De Luca. I can work with that.
Maria: Ok, Earth to the lady with the really great boots by the way.
Dom: Thank you.
Maria: Um, I-I don't know who you think I am, but I just, I can guarantee You got the wrong gal.
Dom: Uhuh. I am an A &R executive. I have been scouting the Southwest for talent. Sweetheart anyone with a voice like that, who Can work an outfit like this. Definitely not the wrong girl. You got a Minute.
Maria: Yeah, sure.
Dom: Great. Oh here. (Hands Jim her card) Liz walks in the back where her dad is working.
Mr. Parker: How was the show?
Liz: S' good. Goodnight.
Mr. Parker: Little early for bed, don't you have homework?
Liz: Yeah, I did it already.
Mr. Parker: Mrs. Fletcher called from the guidance office. 2 C's in Spanish and AP History?
Liz: Um, ah its because I had 2 pop quizzes on the same day an English paper was due, and everyone bombed.
Mr. Parker: Right. Is that the same excuse your going to use at your Harvard interview?
Liz: I really have a headache. Could we talk about this tomorrow?
Mr. Parker: You know I backed off that whole boarding school thing Cause you promised you were going to get your life together and Going to Harvard has been your dream, since you were what, 6?
Liz: Five. And that's because you put a poster of Cambridge over My bed.
Mr. Parker: Yeah. Sweetie you have got more brains and talent in Your little finger then all the kids in Roswell have in their entire Bodies.
Liz: Dad, please.
Mr. Parker: I'm serious. How many of them are even thinking of going To college. They're just hangin around watchin MTV, dreamin about Becoming Rock Stars.
Maria: (in the background) Woowho. Comes in the back of the Crashdown.
Maria: (with her hands in the air) A label wants to sign me, I'm gonna Be a Rock Star. In School, Bio class.
Teacher: We will use the fruitfly, to discover genetic hierarchies. How Traits change within a population. Liz is passed out on the desk, Max touches her arm.
Max: You were sleeping.
Liz: No, I wasn't.
Max: You have a little, drool on your... Referring to the drool on her sleeve.
Liz: Oh that's so disgusting. He puts his hand over hers.
Teacher: Mr. Evans, Miss Parker, is there a problem in your corner of teen angst?
Liz: Ah no, mm mm.
Max: No. Mm mm.
Teacher: Well then it's please get back to AP Bio. Liz drops her head on Max's shoulder.
Liz: Mmmm.
Max: Are you feeling worse.
Liz: Yeah it feels like my head is bogged in and my body's just being Dragged along for the ride.
Max: Maybe its mono.
Liz: Shut up. (Walking over to the lab area) I totally would've stayed Home from school today if my dad wasn't on my case about this Interview.
Max: What interview?
Liz: I have an appointment with the admissions person at Harvard In two days. Max looks alarmed.
Liz: Nothings set in stone there were just these deadlines, you know And if I wanted to keep the possibility of going there alive, ah this Interview is something I have to do.
Max: Oh, ok.
Liz: We should probably get started.
Max: Right. Liz walks over to grab the things they need to do their project. And as she is standing there she looks in the mirror. Suddenly Her face disappears. At the doctors.
Doctor: Liz, your ah white blood cell count is normal which eliminates Any bacterial infection. Uh, you may have a virus. Are you experiencing Any dizziness.
Liz: (shakes her head) no.
Doctor: Coughing?
Liz: No
Doctor: Ah what about ah... (He starts to become incomprehensible) Liz can't hear what he is saying because his voice keeps cutting out. She looks at him trying to figure out what is happening.
Doctor: Are you sexually active, Liz.
Liz: No! Uh, No. Doctor Frank, No. Um.
Doctor: I can't help you protect yourself, unless you're completely Honest with me.
Liz: Protect me from what?
Doctor: When you're young Liz, sometimes you overlook the consequences Of knowing someone intimately, and there's a possibility that you can Catch something even from someone you love. At the Garage that Kyle works at... Liz sitting watching Kyle work.
Kyle: Strange symptoms, shoot.
Liz: Um, well fatigue, and the total inability to concentrate.
Kyle: Me, every day.
Liz: I've been having some hallucinations.
Kyle: Yeah, like what?
Liz: Well, like yesterday I looked in the mirror at school and my face Totally disappeared. I mean, (Kyle laughs) No for real. This is serious Kyle, something strange is happening to me.
Kyle: Ok, why are you telling me this.
Liz: What makes me different from everybody else is the fact that I Was brought back from the dead by an alien.
Kyle: Yeah, and so was I. And now that you've touched on one of My deepest, darkest fears, let's just assume what you're going through Is stress. (Picks up a book and hands it to Liz) Buddha take me away. This book has gotten me through some very tough times. Here young Grasshopper take. Liz looks at the book and sets it down on top of an old car stereo. Suddenly the stereo comes alive. She picks the book back up and As her hand nears the stereo it comes on. She gets up and puts her Hand over the stereo and it reacts.
Kyle: Did-did you just... Looks over at what is going on. She puts her hand back near the stereo.
Kyle: You did. Oh (puts his hand to his mouth, as the stereo Sparks)
Liz: Kyle I think I'm changing.
Fades to black. Back at the Garage.
Liz: No I don't want to tell Max. Not yet.
Kyle: But he's the one who healed us, he needs to know.
Liz: I'm scared to tell him.
Kyle: Why, you go to him for everything.
Liz: No, he risked so much when he healed me. No I, its what made me fall in love with him.
Kyle: (sighs) yeah, me too.
Liz: Kyle!
Kyle: Look, what's going on here is really scary. If I don't lighten The mood I might lose it.
Liz: Yeah I know.
Kyle: If its too u for you, I'll go talk to him.
Liz: No! Um, s-sorry, no. Um (sighs) Could you just please respect My feelings.
Kyle: (sighs) Let the record show, I think this is a bad idea.
Liz: Noted. I have to go. (Gets up to leave)
Kyle: Liz. (Sighs) You're not alone in this. If you need anything, call Me.
Liz: Thank you. (And walks away) At Michael's apt. Maria's waiting anxiously outside. Michael comes home carrying groceries.
Michael: oh, Look I missed that thing with you and Valenti last night because I had to pick up an extra shift.
Maria: Michael!
Michael: And sitting at bars and listening to music, doesn't put Snapple On the table.
Maria: Michael, I need to talk to you. HEE HEE HEE (jumping up and down Excitedly)
Michael: Later all right. The Daily show starts in 5 min. I got Lean Cuisine To heat up.
Maria: You're existence frightens me.
Michael: Goodnight.
Maria: A woman from a record label saw me perform last night and offered Me a demo deal.
Michael: A what?
Maria: A demo deal. It's like a test run for an artist to see if they have any potential. They're going to record three or four songs for me, they're going to pay for Everything. Can you believe it?
Michael: No.
Maria: Oh Gosh, Stuff like this happens to like, Alicia Keys or I don't know, Fiona Apple or something. Not me though, not in Roswell. I just, Oh I'm so Freaking out! (Grabs Michael in a hug)
Michael: I got potato salad in here.
Maria: Wanna hear something really stupid, Michael. When um Dominique, The uh, the label chick, told me about the news, first thing I thought of was, I Can't wait to tell Michael.
Michael: That's stupid, thanks.
Maria: Sorry, wrong choice of words, but seriously, you're the first person I Wanted to share this with, I mean, I've been waiting out there for 2 hours.
Michael: I am really happy for you Maria. Hugs Michael again and laughs.
Maria: MTV here I come. Kisses Michael. He kisses her back, really kisses her back and they end up in bed together. At Liz's the next morning.
Maria: This so, doesn't mean that we're back together.
Liz: Does Michael know that.
Maria: Well he knows that I'm not interested in having what we used to have. I've been clear about that. It's a. It's a boy, girl friendship with a twist.
Liz: It sounds so romantic. Why don't you try that Black pantsuit on?
Maria: The Black pantsuit. Who are you my Aunt Maude? This Her voice starts cutting out like the doctors did. She looks at her like she is baffled.
Maria: Right? Definitely, come on.
Liz: Maria I have to tell you something.
Maria: You know what else I've been thinking It is not a coincidence that my life has started around the time Michael and I Broke up. I mean, gosh. You don't know how liberating it is to just be free From all this alien chaos. It's like, suddenly my life is, like a life. (Laughs)
Liz: (nodding her head) Yeah. Why don't you try the boots on? At the recording studio.
Maria: (playing guitar) you're like an angel with the sweetest smile. But when You use it you're one evil child. Oh, oh. That's what brings me back again. We Get along but only half the time. The other half you ain't no friend of mine. Oh, oh. But that's what brings me back again. I love you on your best behavior. I love you more when you're doing something wrong. But that's what's wrong With me. You said you liked it yesterday. And now you're telling me I can't stay. Its all your crazy messed up ways that bring me back. They bring me back. They bring me back. You bring me back. Dominique claps Later
Dom: So Maria, do you ah, you drink?
Maria: No.
Dom: Drugs?
Maria: No way.
Dom: Na-me (?) me. Personally I could care less, but the boys upstairs, they make Me ask these questions.
Maria: Why?
Dom: You know just, millions of teenage girls and their allowances. Oh, how Old are you again?
Maria: I just turned 18.
Dom: Oh great. That's perfect. That's what you're going to be telling people For the next three years. Michael walks in.
Maria: Michael.
Michael: Hi. (kisses her on the cheek) Just wanted to stop by and see how things Are going. Walks over to Dom and holds out his hand.
Michael: Hi, I'm Michael.
Dom: Hi (shaking his hand) Dominique Vazar.
Maria: Michael's just. he's um.
Michael: A friend of the band.
Maria: We're kind a in the middle of something here.
Michael: (ignoring her and checkin the place out) This is a nice space.
Dom: Yeah, it's passable in a pinch. Oh Maria, sweetie. You need to tell me When you can travel.
Maria: Uh ok. Where are we going?
Dom: New York. Maria's mouth drops open.
Michael: City?
Dom: Yeah, well. If my people love what we did here. (Holds up the tape) Then we'll record the demo over there.
Michael: How long will she be gone. (Looking upset)
Dom: Best case scenario. Foreva. (Laughs) She can buzz back through this Town when the mayor's gonna cut a ribbon or something. (Laughs again)
Michael: (Looks at Maria) New York?
Dom: Is that a problem?
Maria: Oh, No, No, No. Not at all. Mm mm.
Dom: Groovy. At the highschool. Liz sitting on the bleachers. Max walks over to her holding a book.
Liz: College interviewing for Morons.
Max: I'm going to help you get into Harvard. Takes of his coat and sits down.
Max: Why Harvard University?
Liz: Um, well when I was in 9th grade I read this really amazing article by Dr. Laura Holt. She's this professor who works in the department of molecular and Cellular biology and it just gave me a totally different perspective on science. It Changed my life. Max smiles at her and looks at the book again.
Max: Hmm. What are your three greatest strengths?
Liz: Why are you helping me? 'Cause if I get in, Cambridge is really far away Max.
Max: I know that. But this is really important to you. (Looks back at the book) K, ah, What is your greatest regret? (Liz looks away and off into the distance, Thinking) Come on, what's wrong, you still feeling sick?
Liz: Um, just a little bit. I don't know I'm kind a worried about all this school Stuff you know. You know what, I should be going. My dad's expecting me at The Crashdown. Thanks for your help Max. (Gets up and starts walking away)
Max: Liz, wait. (Reaches for her) When Max touches her she falls in a faint and drops her books everywhere. Max catches her.
Max: Are you ok?
Liz: Yeah. Yeah I'm fine, I um. I just think that this flu is hitting me. I um, I should just go home and get into bed. She tries to get up and touches one of the fallen books. It starts smoking and Catches on fire. She jumps back and yelps. Max uses his powers to put out The flames.
Max: I didn't do that.
Liz: I did.
Max: That's not possible.
Liz: Yes it is. You healed me and now I'm different.
Fades to Black. Max and Michael in the desert, digging.
Michael: You guys are always giving me crap for doing something Impulsive and stupid Well you know what's stupid. Sneakin around The desert while your father's watching our every move.
Max: Shut up Michael.
Michael: Whose idea was it to bury the alien stuff anyways. What are we apes/ It's called a safety deposit box.
Max: I need the book's translation. It might have something on Liz's change.
Michael: You've read it like 10 times.
Max: Well maybe I missed something.
Michael: What if there's nothin in there?
Max: Well then I'll find somebody who knows something. Even if I have to contact the FBI.
Michael: Hey Max, I know this is a big deal, but you gotta keep calm. All right. Don't kick up any dust. If we get exposed, we can't help her.
Max: It's a risk I'm willing to take.
Michael: Do I gotta smack some sense into you right now. I've got a shovel here, I'll do it. Max uses his powers and throws Michael's shovel a ways away.
Max: There is something wrong with her Michael and I don't know how to fix it.
Michael: We'll figure it out.
Max: And what if we can't? What if it gets worse? I have screwed up, hundreds of times till we found out what we are. Do you know how many times Liz has? Never. And this is what she gets in return. Look I am doing whatever it takes to help her, if you got a problem with it then you can leave right now. Michael goes to retrieve his shovel as Max continues digging.
[SCENE_BREAK]
School Bell rings. And we cut to Liz's interview.
Interviewer: So Miss Parker, why Harvard?
Liz: Well ever since I was 14, and I read Dr. Laura Holt's work, I knew that I wanted to learn from her in person.
Interviewer: Laura's an amazing professor. I think you two will really hit it off. Writes in his notes.
Interviewer: Do you see yourself His voice starts to cut out like the doctors and Maria's. Liz looks at him trying to figure out what he is saying.
Liz: I'm sorry, what? He speaks again and she still can't figure it out.
Interviewer: Liz.
Liz: I'm sorry, could you just repeat the question?
Interviewer: Do you intend He still is incomprehensible.
Liz: I guess. I, um. I'm, I'm not quite sure.
Interviewer: Now obviously Harvard He cuts out again and the room starts spinning. Liz jumps up out of her chair and turns it over.
Interviewer: Liz. What are you doing?
Liz: I'm sorry. Um um I'm sorry. I'm sorry. She turns the chair upright.
Liz: Here. She turns around and leaves. At the Crashdown Maria walks in and Jim is eating at the counter.
Maria: Hi.
Jim: Hey. You look nice, got a date?
Maria: No, it's just a reception thing that Dominique set up.
Jim: Ah. Right.
Maria: Listen I never got to thank you. Had you not invited me to sing with The band this never would have happened.
Jim: You don't have to thank me. Come on, you were great.
Maria: Yeah but so were you.
Jim: Well thanks I thought so too.
Maria: I just feel like I took something from you.
Jim: Nah, you didn't take anything. Look how often does something like this Come along. You have to go with it, I would if it happened to me.
Maria: I know.
Jim: Listen, I'm gonna be late for sound check.
Maria: All right will you tell the guys I say Hi?
Jim: Sure. Break a leg.
Maria: Thank you. He leaves and she goes to the back where Michael is working.
Maria: Hey.
Michael: Oh thanks for coming by.
Maria: I'm running late so you only got one minute.
Michael: Well its going to take a little longer than that. Jesse's on his way.
Maria: Excuse me.
Michael: I asked him to take a look at your contract.
Maria: What did you do that for?
Michael: Maria, you're talking about picking up and moving to New York.
Maria: Jesse does not
Michael: I just wanted to make sure you're protected.
Maria: Ok Michael, hold on, I see what's going on here.
Michael: Yeah you're turning down free legal advise.
Maria: No I mean with us. I-I really appreciate the interest but you- you Don't have to look after me our lives are no longer linked.
Michael: Didn't we just sleep together?
Maria: We did.
Michael: But it doesn't mean anything.
Maria: It- it was great. I-I mean. Its just it doesn't mean that. It was a spontaneous Thing. You were feeling good. I was feeling good.
Michael: It's a capper to an already great day. I get it.
Maria: Michael.
Michael: Crossed signals. It's no big deal. Goes back to work.
Maria: Wish me luck? He waves his spatula at her, and she leaves. Back in Liz's room. Kyle is pacing concerned.
Liz: I'm sorry. I'm sure you have somewhere else to be.
Kyle: No, no. Look. I offered.
Liz: I just didn't have anyone else to call.
Kyle: Maria doesn't know?
Liz: mm mm not yet. No this record deal is a really huge thing for her. She's given up so much of her life for all this. Kyle sits down beside her and puts his hand on her shoulder.
Liz: How are you doing?
Kyle: Um, No symptoms yet, you know, but Max healed me like a year after He healed you. So maybe I've just got this totally cool window of time where I Just get to obsess about it. She laughs.
Liz: Lucky you. Max comes over and knocks on the window. When he sees Kyle he knows something happened.
Max: What happened?
Kyle: Show him. She pulls back her sleeves and her hands have some weird green electrical Current going through them.
Max: Does it hurt?
Liz: (nods) it comes and goes. He comes and sits down beside her.
Liz: Am I going to die?
Fades to black. Back at the studio Dom. Fixing her lip-gloss.
Dom: So Adam Chase is on his way, he is a legendary producer honey And if he likes your stuff, you can clear off the mantle and ah hire a maid To dust off your Grammy's. Wh-what are you doing?
Maria: (sniffing some eucalyptus oil) I-its just eucalyptus, it's to help me Keep calm.
Dom: Yeah well sweetie, enough. (Takes the oil) You smell like J-Lo. (Sniffs it as Adam walks in) Wow!
Dom: Chasey.
Chase: Dominique.
Dom: Oh (She hugs him)
Chase: What's happenin baby. (Smacks her butt)
Dom: Clearly you, lookin all hottie-tottie.
Chase: Likewise.
Dom: ok, here's our find. Adam Chase, Maria De Luca.
Maria: Nice to meet you.
Chase: Nice to meet you. Dom chewing on her cell phone antenna.
Dom: So. (Chase holds up the tape)
Chase: It's a single.
Dom: I knew it!
Maria: Its called behavior. I wrote it about me and my boyfriend Breaking up.
Chase: Right. I've been messing with it want to listen?
Maria: Yes, I would love to listen to it. (Chase throws the tape in the player)
Dom: (On her cell) Hi. Yeah. Adam Chase. All over it.
Maria: Yes.
Dom: Oh yeah, the girl's gonna be huge. Ok, ok bye bye. He turns on his revised edition of Maria's song.
Chase: Slammin in it.
Maria: (not looking very amused) that's me.
Chase: Yeah. I remixed vocals. Then I laid a few song boards underneath, You know, it's a little rough around the edges but you get the point.
Dom: Wow. It's a number one isn't it.
Chase: You know it.
Dom: Oh
Maria: It used to be a love song.
Dom: Yeah, well now it's one people can dance to. In the sound room privately with Dom.
Dom: So, you hate it.
Maria: No. No, I was just, I was going for more of a P.J. Harvey and um That sounded like Britney Spears.
Dom: I-I completely disagree.
Maria: (sighs) my music is personal to me Dominique.
Dom: Ok, Maria. It is my job to find artists who can sell records. Right. Now, honey you've got the looks and the hou ts pa to do that but When it comes to the music, baby you gotta leave that to the pros.
Maria: So, I'm just a commodity?
Dom: No, no you're very talented. But this label is prepared to invest A lot of money in you and you know. They pay the bills, they have a say. That's just kind a the way it's always been. (Maria nods) Well look, maybe You need to ask yourself if you really want to do this. Outside Michael's apartment.
Michael: Let me guess you bumped into George Lucas at the video store And he wants you in his next movie.
Maria: You were right about me being cautious. Those label people are Bogus. They want to turn me into some bubble gum pop princess.
Michael: That's too bad. (Smiling)
Maria: They turned one of my songs into complete crap, Michael. It was So humiliating.
Michael: Why are you here?
Maria: I may be turning down a huge opportunity, I need someone to talk To.
Michael: Let me get this straight. You dump me so you can go live your Dream, and now you're telling me you're dropping that too.
Maria: I'm sorry, I just really need some advice, right now.
Michael: It's like you said we're not linked anymore. I could invite you Inside, tell you to stay in Roswell because that's what I want. But you know What, I'm not going to be the guy you blame for ruining your life.
Maria: Michael.
Michael: You should leave now.
Maria: I have no where else to go.
Michael: You've got plenty of other friends.
Maria: Like who Liz? I tried to talk to her, she hasn't been around.
Michael: Do you even know what's going on with her?
Maria: Yeah she's pissy and preoccupied and doesn't return my phone Calls.
Michael: She might be dying Maria.
Maria: What!? In the desert, near the pod chamber. Max lays Liz on the ground.
Kyle: Ok, what are we doing again?
Max: According to the book, I can use the healing stones To amplify my powers. If we do that it might wipe out Whatever is happening inside of her. Max puts the healing stones around Liz.
Kyle: What can I do?
Max: Just stay back. He puts his hand over Liz's stomach trying to draw Out whatever is causing the attacks. A green glow Centered on her stomach area starts glowing brighter. Liz lifts off the ground. She looks in immense pain.
Liz: It hurts. (The light glows pink)
Max: Take a deep breath, it won't be much longer.
Liz: Max please, I can't. Kyle tries to intervene by moving forward.
Max: NO!
Liz: STOP!
Max: Hold on it's working I can feel it.
Liz: NO!
Kyle: Max!
Max: Just a little bit more. Liz you have to trust me.
Liz: I can't. (Something happens and Liz drops and Max is thrown back) Liz scrambles away.
Liz: Just stop hurting me.
Max: I wasn't trying to.
Liz: No, but Max you do. You always do. (Max moves toward her looking Perplexed) why did you sleep with her. Why!
Max: (looking pained) Liz.
Liz: Every single time that you mention your son I am reminded of what you did to me. How you were unfaithful, how can you not know that?
Max: Liz, please. (Trying to move closer)
Liz: Stay away! You're doing this.
Max: No I'm not. Liz, please. (He touches her face) Please. She screams in pain.
Kyle: Max, max, max, stop, stop, stop (jumping to intervene) Listen to her. Do you want to kill her? He looks at Liz and is a loss for what to do. Back at the Crashdown in Kyle's car.
Kyle: I'll help you get upstairs.
Liz: I can do it myself. I really said all those things to Max, didn't I?
Kyle: Yeah.
Liz: I couldn't help it. It's everything just
Kyle: Exploded.
Liz: How am I going to face him?
Kyle: Look he understands that something went wrong out there. You were not In control of what you were saying.
Liz: But I was. I mean that's how I feel deep down and now he knows Kyle.
Kyle: So what!
Liz: I can't take it back.
Kyle: Liz look, you can't worry about Max right now. You have to take care Of you. You understand? Liz nods.
Liz: Yeah.
Kyle: Ok. Now try to get some sleep. Liz smiles at Kyle and gets out of the car. Liz is lying down on her bed and Maria comes in. She comes over to Liz and Bends over her.
Maria: I'm here. Liz looks up and smiles at her. Out in front of the Crashdown on a bench.
Maria: I'm so sorry.
Liz: Maria stop apologizing.
Maria: You've been going through complete hell.
Liz: Yes and this is exactly what I didn't want. For you to come along on the Ride.
Maria: Don't ever. We are best friends Liz Parker. So just don't ever ok
Liz: Ok. You really shouldn't let this music thing go.
Maria: I told you.
Liz: So what, so you have to, so you have to compromise, so what.
Maria: I'm not a sellout.
Liz: That's great. You should tell that to all your co-workers at the cheese Factory. I'm sure they'll be very impressed.
Maria: ok (laughing) b- hitchy.
Liz: Maria. You have more talent in your little finger than anyone else in this Town.
Maria: (holds up her hands) which one?
Liz: I'm serious. You should find a way to compromise without losing What's most important to you. Because if you don't do this. You are always going to be miserable.
Maria: Yeah but, then I would have to go to New York um and I'm, I'm just not Going to leave you. I'm sorry.
Liz: I'm gonna be fine. Really.
Maria: Fine. Tomorrow I will invite Dominique to my all you can eat Crow Boofet. Gosh could life be any more complicated right now. (They both laugh) Sometimes I wish you could close your eyes and just be somewhere else.
Liz: A café in Paris.
Maria: No Jamaica. The beach, the blue ocean, the warm sand between our toes. Feel any better?
Liz: Yeah.
Maria: Me too. (They laugh again) Liz comes back to her room to find Max waiting outside her window for her.
Liz: Max what are you doing, you can't be here.
Max: I've been calling.
Liz: I was out with Maria.
Max: I thought something happened.
Liz: No it didn't. But look my dad's gonna be up here in a few minutes. You really Max goes to look past her into her room and she gets shocked by him.
Liz: Max you have to go.
Max: Look we'll drive to LA. Langly will know what to do. He can fix this.
Liz: Max.
Max: Maria can cover for you we can be back in two days. (Liz shakes her head)
Liz: No. Max tries to reach for her and she backs away.
Max: Liz. He leans his head against the window looking wounded. Liz looks just as Sad.
Max: Everything you said in the desert, we can't just pretend it didn't happen. We have to talk about it. Liz reached up to close the window.
Max: Liz, please don't shut me out. Liz looks at Max with tears in her eyes.
Max: (tearing himself) what are we going to do?
Liz: I have to figure it out. By myself. She looks at him one last time and closes the window. He looks away and she looks back at him through the window. He mouths, I love you and walks away. She watches him leave with tears in her eyes. Liz goes down to her dad who is doing paperwork in the café.
Mr. Parker: Sweetie, what's wrong?
Liz: My life is out of control. I want to go to boarding school. Her dad hugs her to himself. Liz starts packing, brings her journal. Liz sits and writes Max a letter.
Liz: Dear Max: What's so great about normal. Do you remember when you Asked me that? Back then the answer was nothing. Because of you Max, because Of how much you love me. Now though, the answer is different. Normal is something I need. (Liz on a bus to school) And that's why I have to leave. I have to figure Out what my life means away from Roswell and away from you. (Max reading The letter) Don't hate me for doing this. I love you more than you can ever know. Liz. Liz on the bus and fades to black. | Plan: A: Liz; Q: Who decides to leave Roswell to go to boarding school in Vermont? A: her body; Q: What does Liz begin to undergo strange changes to? A: Max; Q: Who does Liz want to get away from? A: Maria; Q: Who gets a recording contract in New York? A: a recording contract; Q: What does Maria get offered in New York? A: the record label people; Q: Who is Maria not sure she likes? A: her music; Q: What does Maria want to make popular? Summary: When Liz begins to undergo some strange, alien-like changes to her body, she decides she needs to get as far from Max as she can. In order to separate from him she must leave Roswell to go to boarding school in Vermont. Meanwhile, Maria gets offered a recording contract in New York, but she isn't sure she likes what the record label people are doing to her music to make it "popular". |
THE SEA DEVILS
BY: MALCOLM HULKE
5:50pm - 6:15pm
[SCENE_BREAK]
1: EXT. CLIFFS AND BEACH
(The DOCTOR and JO run towards the water but from one side, the minimoke stops and the guards get out with their rifles raised. They look to the other side and see a line of barbed wire and a red sign reading "DANGER MINEFIELD". They are trapped on three sides with the sea on the fourth. To make matters more difficult, the MASTER switches on the device and points it at the waves. Almost immediately, a SEA DEVIL rises from the water and starts to make its way inland. One of the guards sees it and shouts to the others as he points.)
CASTLE GUARD BARCLAY: Look!
(The other guards see it and drop their rifles in amazement. JO also sees the creature.)
JO: Doctor - look!
(The DOCTOR looks at the approaching reptile as it gets nearer to the shoreline. Up on the cliff, TRENCHARD holds his hat up as shield against the light as he looks down on the creature in amazement.)
TRENCHARD: What is it?
MASTER: (Smiles.) One of the creatures that have been destroying the ships.
TRENCHARD: You told me it was enemy agents. Why didn't you tell me the truth?
MASTER: If I had, would you have believed me?
(Down below, the DOCTOR and JO look round is desperation. They see that the guards are still diverted by the SEA DEVIL.)
DOCTOR: There's only one thing for it - we'll have to go through the minefield.
(He pulls her towards the barbed wire as the SEA DEVIL reaches the beach. It turns and looks at the guards who have lowered there weapons as they look on in shock. It raises its open weapon and a flame shoots out from the disc. A guard falls dead and another shot fires out. Another guard falls as the remaining take up defensive cover behind the minimoke and start returning fire. As a mini-battle erupts, the two fugitives reach the first of two rows of barbed wire. The DOCTOR hesitates momentarily and then throws himself down onto the first set, enabling JO to step over him. He gets up and throws himself back first onto the second row and JO repeats the manoeuvre. They crouch down at the very edge of the minefield. The DOCTOR reaches into his pocket, takes out his sonic screwdriver and starts to make adjustments to it.)
JO: We'll get blown up.
DOCTOR: No, don't worry. My sonic screwdriver - it converts into rather a good mine detector.
(He switches it on and it starts to give out a regular high-pitched pulsing noise. Behind them, the noise alerts the SEA DEVIL which switches it attention away from its fight with the guards and turns to face the two escapees in the minefield. Meanwhile, a higher and louder pitched sound emanates from the sonic screwdriver.)
DOCTOR: Look out. Look, there's one over there. Now, you'll have to move round to the right. Now follow me.
(They get up and start to step carefully across the sand. The SEA DEVIL watches them go but makes no move to follow - much to the anger of the watching MASTER.)
MASTER: Stupid beast! Why doesn't it attack them?!
(He makes an adjustment to the device and the signal from it increases in tone. The SEA DEVIL starts to run after the DOCTOR and JO. They meanwhile are making tortuously slow progress across the minefield. JO looks back.)
JO: Doctor, it's following us!
(The SEA DEVIL steps through the barbed wire previously crushed down by the DOCTOR.)
JO: (Panicking.) Doctor!
DOCTOR: Relax, Jo, relax.
(They have stopped and the DOCTOR makes another adjustment to his screwdriver. He points the device across the minefield at the approaching reptile and presses a switch. A different tone comes from the screwdriver and two of the mines explode. He presses the switch again and another mine explodes right in front of the SEA DEVIL. It gives out a cry of pain and staggers. The DOCTOR activates another two explosions and the SEA DEVIL screams out again, turns and runs back over the barbed wire, back towards the safety of the water.)
DOCTOR: Right, Jo, follow me.
(The DOCTOR re-adjusts the screwdriver and he and JO their progress through the remainder of the minefield as the SEA DEVIL slips beneath the waves.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
2: INT. NAVAL BASE. RADIO ROOM
(HART walks into the radio room where BOWMAN is on duty at the radio set. BLYTHE is also there.)
CAPTAIN HART: Anything from the sub yet?
LDG. TELEGRAPHIST BOWMAN: It's no good, sir, there's nothing.
CAPTAIN HART: (Irritated.) They had instructions to surface over an hour ago.
3rd OFFICER JANE BLYTHE: (Calmly.) Maybe they've found something, sir. Perhaps they're still investigating.
CAPTAIN HART: If they haven't surfaced by now, then something must be stopping them. All right, sub-miss procedure. Alert submarine command, we'll set up a full scale search right away.
3rd OFFICER JANE BLYTHE: Sir.
(He walks out as BLYTHE picks up a phone.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
3: INT. SUBMARINE CONTROL ROOM
(Inside the trapped and sunken submarine, RIDGEWAY and MITCHELL listen carefully at a closed and bolted bulkhead door in the control room. A tannoy message in a Scottish accent comes through.)
SUBMARINE RATING: (OOV: Over tannoy.) Submarine indicator buoys still won't release, sir.
(RIDGEWAY leaves MITCHELL crosses to C.P.O. SUMMERS who is getting dressed into an orange freeascent submarine escape suit.)
COMMANDER RIDGEWAY: All right, Summers. Radio Captain Hart the moment you surface. Tell him we're immobilised on the sea bed by some unknown force and intruders have broken through the hull.
C.P.O. SUMMERS: Aye aye, sir.
COMMANDER RIDGEWAY: Have you checked your R/T?
C.P.O. SUMMERS: Er, yes sir.
COMMANDER RIDGEWAY: All right, carry on. Good luck.
(SUMMERS moves off as MITCHELL calls over from the hatch. There is a hissing noise in the air.)
LT. COMMANDER MITCHELL: Something's happening to this door, sir! It's getting hot!
COMMANDER RIDGEWAY: Right, small arms number one.
LT. COMMANDER MITCHELL: Right, sir.
(MITCHELL moves across to a locked and barred armoury cupboard, taking out his keys. As MITCHELL starts to unlock the cupboard, SUMMERS calls over from another hatch near to the cupboard.)
C.P.O. SUMMERS: For'ard hatch is jammed, sir!
COMMANDER RIDGEWAY: All right, Summers.
(RIDGEWAY points out places from which the ratings are to take up position.)
COMMANDER RIDGEWAY: Johnson, here. Petty Officer, here.
(He joins MITCHELL and starts to hand out guns from the cupboard. Meanwhile, a part of the hatch door starts to melt away in a similar fashion to the one in the sea fort. There is a red glow behind it.)
COMMANDER RIDGEWAY: Right, take cover.
(All the men in the room find places of cover and crouch down, guns raised and primed. There is a tense moment as the men watch what remains of the bulkhead falls away.)
LT. COMMANDER MITCHELL: The door's going!
COMMANDER RIDGEWAY: (Calmly.) All right, number one.
(The door is now fully breached.)
COMMANDER RIDGEWAY: Hold your fire until we see what they are.
(A SEA DEVIL pushes its way through the melted remains of the door. The men are dumbstruck by the sight of the lizard.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
4: INT. CASTLE. MASTER'S ROOM
(Back at the castle prison, TRENCHARD has still not recovered from the sight on the beach. He angrily paces the MASTER'S room while his impatient prisoner sits and watches him.)
TRENCHARD: I just can't take it in. It...it's all too much for me.
MASTER: Trenchard, you really must be more calm. Believe me, it's very simple.
TRENCHARD: Simple? You've misled me all along. You said it was spies, saboteurs. You said we'd catch them!
(The MASTER stands in anger.)
MASTER: Look, if I had talked to you about sea monsters, would you have believed me?
TRENCHARD: I've risked everything to help you - and you've lied to me.
MASTER: I had to lie. Now sit down, Trenchard. Sit down and listen to me.
(TRENCHARD stops pacing and does as the MASTER says.)
TRENCHARD: I don't know how you can be so calm.
MASTER: Now listen, that creature that you saw is one of a race of intelligent reptiles that has a deadly hatred of mankind. Now somehow, they've established themselves in the sea, but now...they intend to emerge and conquer the Earth!
(A look of both incredulity and shock appears on the gullible TRENCHARD'S face. He jumps up.)
TRENCHARD: What, we...we must warn the authorities at once!
MASTER: No, no. Premature action would ruin everything.
TRENCHARD: What else can we do?
MASTER: Wait until this device of mine is perfected, and then tell the authorities.
[SCENE_BREAK]
5: EXT. CASTLE GROUNDS
(The DOCTOR and JO emerge from woodland in the castle grounds and start to run across a hill towards a large bush. The DOCTOR hears the distant voices of searching guards. He grabs JO and they rush into cover behind the bush.)
DOCTOR: Still! Keep still!
(Two mimimokes, filled with armed guards, and another guard on horseback comes over the brow of the hill. They charge down but, not having seen the two fugitives, move off to one side. The DOCTOR and JO watch them go.)
DOCTOR: We've got to get back to Captain Hart. Come on.
(They move off.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
6: INT. CASTLE. MASTER'S ROOM
(TRENCHARD comes into the MASTER'S room. He is working on his device again.)
TRENCHARD: They're not in the beach sector. We've completely lost track of them.
MASTER: (Angrily.) Trenchard, if they reach the naval base...!
TRENCHARD: (Interrupts.) Exactly - they'll tell Hart everything.
MASTER: Mind you, there's a good chance that he won't believe them, of course.
TRENCHARD: But suppose he does? Suppose he turns up here again?
MASTER: Refuse to admit him.
TRENCHARD: (Incredulous.) Wha...don't be ridiculous!
MASTER: (Patiently.) Trenchard, you are running a top security establishment here. Your only responsibility is to the government.
TRENCHARD: Oh, what about the Doctor? He'll report to UNIT - they can go to the government.
MASTER: Now look, you must trust me a little longer. I assure you...all your troubles will soon be over.
[SCENE_BREAK]
7: SEA
(The submarine is once more on the move through the depths of the sea.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
8: INT. SUBMARINE CONTROL ROOM
(Within, RIDGEWAY makes an adjustment to a transparent sea chart similar to the one in HART'S office.)
RATING: (OOV: Over tannoy.) Aft end, land space, dry ... , sir.
(He then crosses the room, past a dubious looking C.P.O SUMMERS to where the SEA DEVIL stands over a map table with MITCHELL. There is an air of uneasy calm in the room as they move onwards under their new "commander". The SEA DEVIL grabs hold of RIDGEWAY'S arm and places it down on the map table so that his finger points to the sea fort on the chart.)
LT. COMMANDER MITCHELL: Why there?
COMMANDER RIDGEWAY: Ask green gilbert!
LT. COMMANDER MITCHELL: (To the SEA DEVIL, cheerfully.) All right, old man. Get you there in no time! (To RIDGEWAY.) Er, sir, shall we...take a look at the pressure gauge, sir?
(RIDGEWAY smiles and nods. MITCHELL moves off as RIDGEWAY speaks to the SEA DEVIL.)
COMMANDER RIDGEWAY: If you'll excuse me one moment?
(RIDGEWAY joins MITCHELL on the other side of the room. They speak quietly.)
LT. COMMANDER MITCHELL: Sir, shouldn't we try and jump them?
COMMANDER RIDGEWAY: No.
LT. COMMANDER MITCHELL: You mean we're going to do nothing at all?
COMMANDER RIDGEWAY: Sooner or later, these things are gonna return to their base. I want to know where that is. (Loudly.) Starboard twenty, number one.
[SCENE_BREAK]
9: INT. NAVAL BASE. CAPTAIN HART'S OFFICE (NIGHT)
(Night has fallen. The DOCTOR and JO have reached the safety of HMS Seaspite and are sat in HART'S office. JO has a coat draped over her shoulders as she drinks out of a hot mug whilst the DOCTOR drinks a glass of spirits. HART slams his desk, gets up and paces his office.)
CAPTAIN HART: I'm sorry if I seem to be repeating myself, Doctor, but I don't believe a word of it!
DOCTOR: Well, I can assure you we didn't walk ten miles across open countryside just to tell you fairy stories.
CAPTAIN HART: (Scoffing.) Monsters coming out of the sea!
JO: But it's different this time! Everybody saw it - Trenchard and the guards.
CAPTAIN HART: And you think Trenchard will confirm your story?
DOCTOR: I doubt it. The Master's got some sort of hold over him.
JO: The Doctor's seen these creatures before.
CAPTAIN HART: Oh, I'm quite sure he has, Miss Grant.
JO: In some caves in Derbyshire. You see, they want to take over the Earth...
CAPTAIN HART: Oh, really, Miss Grant, if you think for one moment I'm going to believe...
JO: ...well, re-take if you like, and what they're going to do is...
DOCTOR: (Interrupts.) All right, Jo, all right, all right. Let me deal with the explanations. (To HART.) Look, it's like this...
(JANE BLYTHE enters with a plate of small sandwiches and goes up to JO.)
3rd OFFICER JANE BLYTHE: Only cheese, I'm afraid. The best the steward could do.
(She gives JO the plate.)
JO: Oh, that's super. Thanks very much.
(The DOCTOR snatches it from her.)
DOCTOR: For heaven's sakes, Jo. What do you think this is - a picnic?
(JO rolls her eyes to heaven at JANE and puts her chin in her hands as the DOCTOR turns back to HART.)
DOCTOR: All right, well let's forget about the Sea Devils. What about Trenchard taget...trying to take us prisoners then?
(He unthinkingly pops a sandwich in his mouth and starts to munch.)
CAPTAIN HART: Well, I only have your word for that, haven't I?
DOCTOR: All right, what about the theft of your electronic spares? Surely you'll agree that happened?
(The DOCTOR puts a second sandwich in his mouth.)
CAPTAIN HART: Since I was here at the time, yes.
JO: The Master stole those parts to make his calling device, and...
CAPTAIN HART: (Interrupts.) His what?!
DOCTOR: Well, he's developed some way of communicating with them. Mm, probably, mm, ultra-high frequency sonic beam.
(He eats a third sandwich and indicates with the plate to HART.)
DOCTOR: These are rather good, want one?
CAPTAIN HART: (Impatiently.) No, thank you.
DOCTOR: (To BLYTHE.) Sandwich?
3rd OFFICER JANE BLYTHE: Thank you.
(She takes the fourth and final sandwich.)
JO: Doctor!
(The DOCTOR sees that he is now holding an empty plate.)
DOCTOR: Oh, I'm so sorry.
(He says this with little feeling or sincerity and passes her the empty plate. The phone rings at BLYTHE'S desk and she answers it.)
3rd OFFICER JANE BLYTHE: (Into phone.) Captain Hart's office?
(She listens, but sounds disappointed with her reply.)
3rd OFFICER JANE BLYTHE: (Into phone.) Oh, I see. (Listens.) Yes, yes, I'll tell him. (To HART.) They've had to abandon the search, sir. They'll start again at first light.
CAPTAIN HART: Very well.
3rd OFFICER JANE BLYTHE: (To JO.) I'll get you some more sandwiches.
JO: Thanks very much.
(BLYTHE leaves.)
DOCTOR: How overdue is the submarine?
CAPTAIN HART: Four hours.
DOCTOR: It should never have been sent, you know? They were bound to presume it was hostile.
CAPTAIN HART: (Snaps.) Kindly leave the naval side of the operation to me, Doctor!
DOCTOR: Captain Hart, you are dealing with situation completely outside of your own experience. And if you won't let me help you...
CAPTAIN HART: (Angrily.) All right then, Doctor!
(HART sighs and realises that the DOCTOR is right. He calms down.)
CAPTAIN HART: What do you want me to do?
DOCTOR: Well, the key to this whole situation is at the castle...
(Suddenly, BOWMAN pops his round the door to the radio room.)
LDG. TELEGRAPHIST BOWMAN: Sir, I think we've got something.
(He moves back into the radio room and the others follow.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
10: INT. NAVAL BASE. RADIO ROOM (NIGHT)
CAPTAIN HART: Where?
(BOWMAN, back at his station, points a place on a radar screen. At the centre of the screen is an outline of the island.)
LDG. TELEGRAPHIST BOWMAN: There, sir. Contact bearing two-seven-zero. Range, twenty thousand yards. Heading zero-four-seven.
JO: The submarine?
CAPTAIN HART: Could be.
LDG. TELEGRAPHIST BOWMAN: I think it must be, sir.
(The DOCTOR also points at the screen.)
DOCTOR: You see where the thing's heading - that beach for castle! (To HART.) Perhaps you'll believe me now.
(The CAPTAIN looks slightly sheepish.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
11: INT. CASTLE. MASTER'S ROOM (NIGHT)
(The MASTER is working again on his device. Another sound is coming from it - a sound rather like a speeded up signal. The MASTER smiles and starts to tap on an eight digit keyboard, resulting in a different signalling sound. He flicks a switch and the first signal sound starts to be heard again. The MASTER listens to this intently, still smiling slightly. He flicks the switch back and is starting to reply again when TRENCHARD comes in unannounced.)
TRENCHARD: That thing working all right?
(The MASTER hastily switches the device off.)
MASTER: It, erm, still needs a few minor adjustments, that's all.
TRENCHARD: Look, I've been giving...some thought to all this. It's going to be a...an enormous job coping with these creatures. We must give the authorities all the notice we can.
(The device suddenly bursts into life with the receiving signal. The MASTER hastily pulls a wire out of the back of the machine.)
TRENCHARD: What was that?
MASTER: Just random feedback. It's nothing important.
TRENCHARD: Sounded like some sort of message.
MASTER: (Wearily.) Look, Trenchard, I am trying to carry out a very difficult and complex task here, and...I can't work if I'm being continually interrupted.
(TRENCHARD looks down at the MASTER as if he really sees the man for what he is for the first time.)
TRENCHARD: I'm terribly sorry, old chap. I'll leave you to it.
MASTER: Thank you.
(TRENCHARD goes back to the door and looks back.)
TRENCHARD: Yes...
(He goes out. The MASTER plugs the wire back in and the device bursts into life again. The signals get even more frantic and tone as the MASTER smiles again.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
12: EXT. BEACH (NIGHT)
(In the semi-darkness, a group of six SEA DEVILS make their way out of the water and up onto the beach. Further out to sea, another six of creatures rise up out of the water.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
13: INT. CASTLE. GOVERNOR'S OFFICE (NIGHT)
(TRENCHARD drums his fingers on his desk as he makes an urgent telephone call...)
TRENCHARD: (Into phone.) I tell you I must speak to the minister. It's most important. (He listens.) Mmm? Well when do you expect him back? (Listens.) No, I can't tell you what's wrong. The security of the nation is at risk. (Listens.) Oh, very well, I'll...I'll hold on, but please hurry!
[SCENE_BREAK]
14: INT. CASTLE. PASSAGE (NIGHT)
(A castle guard walks down a flight of steps in a passage in the castle. He reaches a locked door and starts to get his keys out of his pocket. He fails to see the SEA DEVIL that comes up behind him and pulls his head back, snapping his neck.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
15: INT. CASTLE. GOVERNOR'S OFFICE (NIGHT)
TRENCHARD: (Into phone.) No, it can't wait till the morning. (He listens.) Oh, you'll have to interrupt his meeting. This is a matter of national urgency. (Listens.) Oh, very well, as soon as he's free then. But if there's any unnecessary delay, believe me, you'll answer for it.
(He puts the phone down and goes over to the monitor. He switches it on and watches the MASTER as he intently carries on signalling. He switches it off and picks up one of the phones next to the monitor.)
TRENCHARD: (Into phone.) Guard?
(He receives no reply and taps the phone several times.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
16: INT. CASTLE. PASSAGE (NIGHT)
(Elsewhere in the castle, a wall phone falls to the floor as it is ripped from its mounting. A castle guard falls down next to it. A SEA DEVIL walks past the body and up a set of steps.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
17: INT. CASTLE. GOVERNOR'S OFFICE (NIGHT)
(TRENCHARD gives up on the phone and goes back to his desk. He looks intensely worried. Sat in his chair, he rummages in his pocket and pulls out a key with which he unlocks a drawer on his desk. From this he takes an old service revolver. He checks that it is loaded and looks at it with determination...)
[SCENE_BREAK]
18: INT. CASTLE. PASSAGE OUTSIDE MASTER'S ROOM (NIGHT)
(Two castle guards walk down the steps near to the MASTER'S room and round a corner. They see two SEA DEVILS in front of them. As their jaws drop in shock, one of the guards swiftly reaches for a wall alarm and presses the button. The ring of the bell fills the castle.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
19: CASTLE. PASSAGE (NIGHT)
(Two armed guards run down a passage, reacting to the alarm.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
20: CASTLE. ANOTHER PASSAGE (NIGHT)
(Two SEA DEVILS carefully make their way through the castle, pausing to check through open archways.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
21: CASTLE. PASSAGE (NIGHT)
(His revolver is his hand, TRENCHARD runs through the castle.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
22: CASTLE. ANOTHER PASSAGE (NIGHT)
(Two guards run round a corner and are confronted by two armed SEA DEVILS. Shots are fired between the two parties but the result is a foregone conclusion and the two guards fall dead as the reptiles move on.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
23: INT. CASTLE. PASSAGE OUTSIDE MASTER'S ROOM (NIGHT)
(CASTLE GUARD DREW crouches down in a defensive position outside the MASTER'S room, firing away as the SEA DEVILS move off. TRENCHARD runs up. They shout over the continuing sound of the alarm bell.)
TRENCHARD: What's happening, man?
CASTLE GUARD DREW: (Panicking.) They're all over the place, sir! They killed most of the lads!
TRENCHARD: Who? Who's attacking us?
CASTLE GUARD DREW: Well, those lizards, sir. Like that thing we saw on the beach. Come on, sir! They were after me!
TRENCHARD: Pull yourself together, man. Have you sent for help?
CASTLE GUARD DREW: But it's no good, sir!
TRENCHARD: There's a direct line to Whitehall in my office - use that.
CASTLE GUARD DREW: Why can't you, sir?
TRENCHARD: I shall attend to the security of my prisoner. Go on, man - move!
(DREW moves off and TRENCHARD turns to face three SEA DEVILS who raise their weapons. TRENCHARD balances his revolver across his left forearm and starts firing. One of the SEA DEVILS clutches its chest as TRENCHARD continues to pump away bullets.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
24: INT. CASTLE. MASTER'S ROOM (NIGHT)
(The MASTER continues to tap out a signal on his device. Satisfied, he switches it off and turns and faces the door as it opens to admit three SEA DEVILS. Behind them in the passage can be seen the fallen body of TRENCHARD, his usefulness now over. The SEA DEVILS nod at each other and the MASTER smiles as his captivity comes to an end.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
25: INT. NAVAL BASE. RADIO ROOM (NIGHT)
(BOWMAN taps out a Morse code signal but then gives up. On the radar screen, the blip from the submarine is away from the island again.)
LDG. TELEGRAPHIST BOWMAN: No, it's no good, sir - nothing.
JO: (To HART.) Well, if that thing was the submarine, why don't they answer your signals?
DOCTOR: Perhaps they can't.
CAPTAIN HART: (To BLYTHE.) Tell the search coordinator to check that area immediately. It'll be light soon.
3rd OFFICER JANE BLYTHE: Sir.
LDG. TELEGRAPHIST BOWMAN: Sir - contact fading!
CAPTAIN HART: What?!
(He rushes to the radar screen only to see the blip fading.)
DOCTOR: Captain Hart, we've got to find out what's happening at that castle.
LDG. TELEGRAPHIST BOWMAN: Contact lost.
CAPTAIN HART: (To BLYTHE.) I want an armed party and two Landrovers at the main gate in four minutes flat. (Urgently.) Doctor?
(HART rushes out followed by the DOCTOR and JO. BLYTHE picks up a phone to pass on the order.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
26: EXT. CASTLE
(It is now light. Two Navy Landrovers screech up to the castle entrance and stop. HART gets out of one of the vehicles and the DOCTOR and JO out of the other. Numerous armed ratings also get out of the two vehicles. The DOCTOR and Jo immediately run through the un-guarded entrance. HART turns to his ratings.)
CAPTAIN HART: Come on! Follow me!
[SCENE_BREAK]
27: INT. CASTLE. PASSAGE
(The DOCTOR and JO, making their way to the MASTER'S room, see a dead guard splayed out on the floor. The DOCTOR stoops to examine him. HART passes him and looks down a side passage.)
CAPTAIN HART: Doctor!
(HART runs off to what he has seen and the DOCTOR and JO follow.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
28: INT. CASTLE. PASSAGE OUTSIDE MASTER'S ROOM
(HART runs down the short flight of steps to the body of TRENCHARD. A quick examination confirms the worst as the DOCTOR, JO and some ratings catch up. JO looks distraught. HART is shocked by his friends fate.)
CAPTAIN HART: I...don't understand why.
DOCTOR: The Master had no further use for him - that's why.
CAPTAIN HART: But why did he help the Master in the first place?
DOCTOR: What would you say was Trenchard's strongest characteristic?
CAPTAIN HART: Oh, I don't know - patriotism, I suppose.
DOCTOR: Exactly. And the Master used that patriotism as a weapon.
[SCENE_BREAK]
29: INT. NAVAL BASE. RADIO ROOM (NIGHT)
(BOWMAN is writing down a message as BLYTHE brings in a mug.)
3rd OFFICER JANE BLYTHE: I've bought you some kai.
(BOWMAN continues to take down the message as JANE watches over his shoulder. Finally, BOWMAN speaks into a hand microphone.)
LDG. TELEGRAPHIST BOWMAN: Roger, search force. Over and out. (To BLYTHE.) Er, did you get through to Captain Hart?
3rd OFFICER JANE BLYTHE: I telephoned the castle but they've already left.
LDG. TELEGRAPHIST BOWMAN: Well, they're definitely getting an echo and the object's moving.
3rd OFFICER JANE BLYTHE: I see.
(At that moment, HART, the DOCTOR and JO come back in.)
CAPTAIN HART: What is it, Bowman? Have they re-established contact?
LDG. TELEGRAPHIST BOWMAN: It's a message from one of the search vessels, sir. They are getting an echo.
DOCTOR: The submarine?
LDG. TELEGRAPHIST BOWMAN: Yes, it's moving towards the fort now. Er, moving at about thirty knots.
CAPTAIN HART: Depth?
LDG. TELEGRAPHIST BOWMAN: Steady at one-five-zero feet.
DOCTOR: The fort. Look, Captain Hart, can you lay on a diving vessel?
CAPTAIN HART: Yes, the "Reclaim"s standing by on the search, but why?
DOCTOR: I want to inspect the sea bed at the base of that fort.
(HART looks slightly surprised at this request.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
30: EXT. SEA
(A small launch boat moves further away from the shore. On it are the DOCTOR, JO and HART. One of the ratings signals with an oar to a large diving vessel that they are approaching - "HMS Reclaim". The launch pulls alongside the ship and its rope ladder. On board the "Reclaim", ratings secure the launch and JO is the first to climb the rope ladder.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
31: EXT. "HMS RECLAIM". MAIN DECK
(JO climbs on board followed by the DOCTOR. As HART starts to climb the rope ladder, three ratings pipe them aboard. The DOCTOR takes JO to a hatch that leads below.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
32: INT. "HMS RECLAIM". CONTROL ROOM
(Within the control room, JO helps the DOCTOR to take his cloak off and then to put on an anorak as HART joins them and speaks to LT. COMMANDER WATTS.)
CAPTAIN HART: All pre-dive checks completed?
LT. COMMANDER WATTS: Yes sir.
CAPTAIN HART: Doctor, are you quite sure you want to go through with this?
DOCTOR: Yes, positive.
CAPTAIN HART: (To WATTS.) Ready to lower the observation chamber?
LT. COMMANDER WATTS: Yes, sir. The crew is standing by. We'll send a man armed with him.
CAPTAIN HART: Good.
DOCTOR: If you don't mind, I'd rather go down on my own.
CAPTAIN HART: Well, I presume you're a trained diver in addition to your other accomplishments then, Doctor?
DOCTOR: Naturally. What's more, I know these creatures. I've encountered them before so I know what I'm looking for.
CAPTAIN HART: (To WATTS.) All right, carry on.
LT. COMMANDER WATTS: Aye aye, sir.
(WATTS climbs up to the deck to carry on with preparations as JO speaks quietly to the DOCTOR.)
JO: Doctor?
DOCTOR: What is it, Jo?
JO: Is it really necessary for you to go down?
(He lifts her chin up.)
DOCTOR: How else am I going to make contact?
CAPTAIN HART: Doctor?
(CAPTAIN HART is waiting for them. The DOCTOR takes the ladder to the deck, followed by JO.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
33: EXT. "HMS RECLAIM". MAIN DECK
(The DOCTOR comes to the deck. A large metal cylindrical diving bell is there, attended to by white polo-necked sailors who hold the device in place under its winch cable. The bell is ringed on the outside by oxygen cylinders. The DOCTOR glances at it, then HART shakes his hand.)
CAPTAIN HART: Well, good luck, Doctor.
DOCTOR: Thank you, Captain Hart.
(The DOCTOR gently pats JO'S face and then steps under the diving bell, climbing up into the structure through a hatch in the bottom.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
34: INT. DIVING BELL
(The DOCTOR stands in the bottom as a C.P.O. pops his head up through the hatch.)
C.P.O: Everything okay, sir?
DOCTOR: Yes, thank you, Chief.
C.P.O: Very good.
(The C.P.O. makes a small adjustment...)
[SCENE_BREAK]
35: EXT. "HMS RECLAIM". MAIN DECK
(...and then steps out, giving a thumbs up sign to LT. COMMANDER WATTS.)
LT. COMMANDER WATTS: Test the links.
(The orders are shouted on...)
NAVAL OFFICER: ... !
(The ratings make checks on the bell.)
NAVAL OFFICER: ... then!
(The winch crane starts to lift the bell.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
36: INT. DIVING BELL
(Within the bell, the DOCTOR sways on his feet as the device rocks.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
37: EXT. "HMS RECLAIM". MAIN DECK
(HART and JO watch as the bell, held in the air, is pushed over the edge of the hull.)
NAVAL OFFICER: Down drop ... !
(WATTS shouts a command to the men operating the winch.)
LT. COMMANDER WATTS: ... the links. Carry on lowering.
(The steel cables play out and the bell plunges into the water, creating a large disturbance on the surface.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
38: INT. DIVING BELL
(The movement of the water is all that can be heard in the bell.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
39: EXT. "HMS RECLAIM". MAIN DECK
(HART indicates to JO to go with him back below deck. They walk back to the hatch.)
RATING: Twelve feet.
NAVAL OFFICER: Carry on lowering.
(The cables heading into the water are now the only sign of the bell.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
40: INT. "HMS RECLAIM". CONTROL ROOM
(HART climbs back into the control room followed by JO. LT. COMMANDER WATTS is there ahead of them standing next to a control bank manned by two ratings. Two monitors are on the bank, both of which shows a view of the DOCTOR inside the bell.)
CAPTAIN HART: Let me speak to him.
(The CAPTAIN takes a microphone from the WATTS.)
CAPTAIN HART: (Into microphone.) How's it going, Doctor?
DOCTOR: (On monitor.) Splendid, thank you. A most interesting trip.
CAPTAIN HART: (Into microphone.) You'll reach sea-bed in a few minutes. Tell us immediately if anything goes wrong.
DOCTOR: (On monitor.) Don't worry. I'll be all right.
[SCENE_BREAK]
41: EXT. "HMS RECLAIM". MAIN DECK
(The cable winch stops turning.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
42: INT. "HMS RECLAIM". CONTROL ROOM
CAPTAIN HART: (Into microphone.) You have reached sea-bed.
DOCTOR: (On monitor.) Right.
CAPTAIN HART: (Into microphone.) Are you all right, Doctor?
[SCENE_BREAK]
43: INT. DIVING BELL
DOCTOR: Yes, I'm fine thank you.
(He looks out of small porthole window into the murky green beyond.)
DOCTOR: Hang on a minute!
(He steps back. A SEA DEVIL looks through the window into the bell...)
[SCENE_BREAK]
44: INT. "HMS RECLAIM". CONTROL ROOM
CAPTAIN HART: (Into microphone.) Are you all right, Doctor? Shall we bring you up?
DOCTOR: (On monitor.) Definitely not! I think I've just...
(The sound is suddenly replaced by static and at the same time the image on the monitors cut out.)
CAPTAIN HART: Bring him up!
(HART rushes out followed by JO. WATTS starts shouting orders.)
LT. COMMANDER WATTS: Start winches! Hoist SCC!
[SCENE_BREAK]
45: EXT. "HMS RECLAIM". MAIN DECK
(The winch is frantically turning as HART and JO run up back onto deck and to the ship's side. They watch anxiously as the surface of the water is disturbed by the rising diving bell.)
NAVAL OFFICER: ... !
(The bell is pulled clear of the water and into the air. Further orders are shouted and the crane pulls the bell over the deck where it is pulled down by several ratings. JO looks to HART who walks towards the bell and ducks under. He emerges after a moment and walks solemnly towards her. She reads the look in his face and goes towards the bell herself. Ducking under, she carefully stands up into the interior of the bell.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
46: INT. DIVING BELL
(JO sees that it is totally empty...) | Plan: A: The Sea Devils; Q: Who attacked the island prison and rescued the Master? A: the island prison; Q: Where did the Sea Devils attack? A: the Master; Q: Who did the Sea Devils rescue? A: the Doctor; Q: Who ventures underwater to try to contact the Sea Devils? Summary: The Sea Devils attack the island prison and rescue the Master, prompting the Doctor to venture underwater to try and contact them. |
Ted from 2030: Kids, the thing about New Year's Eve is that it sucks. Sure, it looks great on TV, but in reality, it's always just a big let down, but in 2005, I attempted to do the impossible, to give my friends a great New Year's Eve. I had an idea of how to do it, too. And all it cost was half my Christmas bonus.
Ted: Yeah, that's right...a limo.
[3 hours before midnight]
Robin: Oh, man, Ted, this is great.
Ted: Okay, people, let's talk strategy. Last new years, we went our separate ways, and it sucked. This year we party together or not at all. Now, I sifted through your party submission and I narrowed them down to these five.
Barney: Question?
Ted: Yes, Barney, your submissions were received and no, we will not be attending any parties in your pants.
Barney: But you enjoyed the e-vite, right? Thas an actual picture of my pants.
Lily: Yeah.
Ted: We will hit all five parties before midnight, and then narrow them down to one, the most awesome party in New York City and that is where we will ring, nay rock, in the new year.
Lily: All right, and party number one that's where we get to meet Mary Beth?
Robin: Mary Beth?
Ted: Oh, she works in my office. She seems like she might be into me. She's always finding reasons to hug me. So tonight...
Barney: People often ask me "Barney, how is it that you're so psyched so much of the time?"
Lily: By who? Who asks you that?
Barney: And the answer is right here... my own, personal "get psyched" mix. Now, people often think a good mix should rise and fall, but people are wrong. It should be all rise, baby. Now prepare yourselves for an audio journey into the white-hot center of adrenaline. Bam.
Lily: It's working.
Ted: I am definitely getting psyched.
Marshall: Oh, God. I'm reaching dangerous levels of psychage. Must do robot.
Barney: Let's do this!
Ted: Yes! Let's! Oh, driver?
Barney: Ranjit! Dude, you're driving a limo now. That's awesome.
Ranjit: I've moved up in the world.
Robin: How do you guys know each other?
Ted: Oh, we rode in his cab one time. It's a long story.
Barney: Hey, what are we waiting for? We got five parties to hit, and three hours to do it.
Robin: Oh, I wish I could come with you guys but Derek should be coming by any minute to pick me up.
Ted from 2030: Oh, yeah, Robin was spending New Year's with her boyfriend, Derek. Derek. He was like rich, successful, handsome. I hated that guy.
Robin: Oh, I'll miss you guys. Have fun.
Lily: Bye.
Ted: See ya next year. Go get 'em.
Lily: Well, this kind of sucks.
Ted: Okay, nobody get down. We knew this going in. We're a man down. That just means we're gonna have to party that much harder. Ranjit! Party number one.
Ranjit: Party number one!
Barney: Party number one!
[2H30 before midnight]
Marshall: I can't believe we're leaving a party that had pigs in blankets. If you think we can beat that, you got some brass ones.
Ted: Hey, we've got four more parties to hit. If party number one turns out to be the best, we'll just limo on back to it.
Lily: We didn't really get a chance to meet. I'm Lily, and this is my fiance, Marshall.
Mary Beth: Hi. Mary Beth. So great to meet you guys.
Marshall: My word.
Lily: You're, you're friendly.
Mary Beth: American party friends of Barney's.
Lily: Oh, no.
Ted: So, Barney, who's your new friend?
Barney: Natalya.
Natalya: Oh, friendly.
Lily: So, where are you from, Natalya?
Barney: She... Who knows? The former Soviet Republic of Drunk-Off-Her-Ass-Istan?
Natalya: Super-drunk-fantastic, huh?
Barney: Isn't she awesome?
Marshall: How are your feet doing, baby?
Lily: Okay, I love these shoes, but the pain-to-hotness ratio is pretty steep. Can we swing by the apartment, so I can change?
Ted: Come on, Lily, we have a tightly scheduled evening of awesomeness ahead of us. I need you to power through the pain.
Lily: Okay, Ted, but these dogs are really barking.
Barney: It's true. I can hear them. What's that, little boys? What's that? You wanna go for a... rock?
Ted: Ranjit! Party number two.
Ranjit: Party number two.
[1h55 before midnight]
Ted: Party number two? Not so good.
Marshall: Let's go back to party number one.
Ted: No, no turning back. Ranjit, party number three.
Ranjit: Party number three. Yeah.
Barney: Oh, wait, wait, wait. We have to turn around. We left Natalya.
Lily: Barney, none of us really liked her.
Barney: What?!
Lily: Sorry.
Barney: Oh, very nice, Lily. You know, she is a guest in this country. So while you may chose to turn your back on her, I choose to turn my front on her. What up?
Ted: I'm sorry about Barney.
Mary Beth: No, I'm having a great time. I'm really glad that you asked me out tonight.
Ted: Me, too. (Ted's phone starts ringing) Hey, Robin.
Robin: Ted, Derek stood me up.
Ted from 2030: Pfft. Derek. Now, we had a tight schedule to keep that night and I was already on a date with another girl. But... it was Robin.
Ted: Ranjit, turn it around.
[1h38 before midnight]
Robin: Oh, God, I'm so sorry about this. You guys had your schedule and I screwed it all up.
Ted: No, this is perfect. It's meant to be. We're all back together.
Lily: What happened?
Robin: Derek's stuck in Connecticut closing some deal. Who works on New Year's Eve? Okay. Now I feel worse. I was really looking forward to this night. This sucks.
(Barney puts the music on)
Marshall: Oh, dude, not now!
Barney: What? She needs to get psyched. Fine.
(Barney stops the music)
Robin: Maybe I should just go home.
(Barney puts the music back on)
Barney: My finger slipped.
(He stops the music one more time)
Ted: Look, Robin, you're not going home. Come on, it's New Year's Eve. Look, so your date fell through. So what? What do you need a date for? Someone to kiss at midnight? Fine. I'll kiss you at... a little bit after midnight.
Robin: Hi, I'm Robin.
Mary Beth: Mary Beth.
Robin: You're friendly. I haven't eaten dinner yet. Is there anything to eat in this thing?
Ted: That's it. I know what you're jonesing for. Ranjit, take us to Gray's Papaya!
Robin: Oh, yes. Ted, you rock.
Barney: We couldn't go back for Natalya, a human being, but we do have time for hot dogs?
Marshall: Yeah, we like hot dogs.
Barney: No. No. We are already behind schedule. Ted, come on. We have an hour and a half before midnight I don't want to be kissing Ranjit.
Ranjit: You don't know what you're missing.
Ted: Come on, it's only a 20-minute detour.
Lily: Which is exactly how much time I need. Ranjit, stop the car.
Ranjit: Stopping the car.
Marshall: Wait. Baby, what are you doing?
Lily: I'm going home.
Ted: What? No!
Lily: I can't stay in these heels any longer, I just can't. There's a cab over there. I'll just run back to the apartment and change shoes.
Marshall: But... hot dogs.
Lily: Well, I know, baby, I'd love to go, but it's two against one.
Marshall: Okay, I'll go with you.
Lily: No, baby. Baby, you go with them and I'll meet you at, at... party number three.
Marshall: Are you sure?
Lily: If I don't see you, happy new year.
Marshall: Don't say that. We'll find each other. We'll find each other.
Lily: I know we will. (Lily leaves the limo)
Marshall: Hell of a woman. Let's go get some hot dogs!
[1h18 before midnight]
Ted: Ranjit, party number three.
Ranjit: Party number three.
Marshall: Oh, yeah! Look at us. Riding around in a limo. Eating hot dogs. It's like we're the president.
Ted: Hey. I'll bet you're feeling better now.
Robin: Oh, so much better.
Marshall: Guys. Is that Moby? I think that that's Moby.
Ted from 2030: Now, kids, Moby was a popular recording artist when I was young.
Ted: No way.
Robin: That's totally Moby. That's awesome.
Ted: Should I say something? I should say something, right? Moby! Hey, Moby!
Barney: Oh, my God. He's coming over. Everybody be cool. Everybody be cool.
Ted: Hey.
Moby: Hello.
Ted: What's up? Uh, you, uh, going somewhere?
Moby: Yeah, I'm just going to this party downtown.
Ted: You want a ride?
Moby: Sure.
Ted: Welcome.
Moby: Wow. You're friendly.
Barney: Big fan. Barney Stinson. So, uh... what about this party?
Moby: It's just a New Year's thing. You know, with some friends.
Robin: Wow, that sounds awesome.
Moby: You guys want to come?
Ted: Yeah, we'd love to.
Moby: All right.
Marshall: Uh, Ted. Sidebar?
Ted: Um... Moby, switch up, will you? Yeah, what's up?
Marshall: What about Lily?
Ted: Call her.
Marshall: I've been trying to call her. I can't get through. All the circuits are jammed.
Ted: That's New Year's Eve for you. Well, look, we'll just swing by Moby's party and then afterwards...
Marshall: No, I-I can't. Lily's waiting. I gotta... I gotta find her. Okay, I'll meet you at party number three.
Ted: But... Come on! Moby's party! Moby's party! Moby's par... Ranjit. Moby's party.
Ranjit: Moby's party.
Moby: This is a cool mix. You know, people think a great mix has to rise and fall. I think it should be all rise.
Barney: Yes. Moby... Yeah, it should start high, get higher. This mix is my pride and joy. I never leave home without it.
Moby: Oh, that's how I feel about Janice here.
Barney: Jan... Aah!
Moby: So then I say, "your motorcycle was like that when I got here."
Ted: You're not Moby, are you?
Moby: Who?
Robin: Moby... the recording artist, Moby.
Moby: No.
Barney: But when we said, "Hey, Moby," you said, "Yeah."
Not-Moby: I thought you said "Tony."
Ted: So your name is Tony?
Not-Moby: No. Oh, hey, we're here. All right. You guys going to come in?
Ted: Nah.
Not-Moby: You're sure? Come on. It's going to get nuts in there. There's this dude who owes me money.
Barney: No, uh, we're good. We're good. Happy New Year, Not Moby.
Not-Moby: Oh, hey, hey, um, be safe.
Barney: Why did we think that guy was Moby?
Ted: I don't know. I see a short bald hipster, my mind goes straight to Moby.
Barney: That's Marshall's phone. Hello.
Lily: Oh, Marshall, thank God I got through.
Barney: Hey, sexy.
Lily: Barney, where's Marshall?
Barney: He left his phone in the limo. He's out looking for you.
Lily: What? Where?
Barney: Party number three.
Lily: Well, I'm here at party number three and... Oh, my God! Guess who just walked in... Moby!
Barney: Moby?! She's upstairs.
Ted: Lily, you have to get out of there this instant. That's not Moby.
Lily: Uh, no, I know Moby and that's Mo... Does he have a gun?
Ted: Run! Oh, my God, Not Moby's party is party number four. What are the odds?
(Lily comes in)
Lily: Who was that guy?!
Barney: Well, we know it's not Moby and it's not Tony.
Ted: Ranjit, drive!
Ranjit: Where to?
Ted: Party number three!
Ranjit: Party number three!
Lily: No, but I was just at party number three.
Ted: No, no, no, no you were at party number four. You must have looked at the list wrong.
Barney: Well, after that rather unpsyching experience, you know what it's time for? It's time to... what? That's right, re-psych. Re-psy... Where's the...? Oh, my God! Not Moby took my "Get Psyched" mix!
Ted: Barney, Barney, Barney, it's not worth it! Let it go. We need to get back on schedule.
Ranjit: Ah, nuts.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[28 minutes before midnight]
Ted: Ranjit, are you sure I can't help?
Ranjit: No. I am pissed. Ted, I don't want you to see me pissed.
Ted: Okay Okay, not a problem. He'll jack it up, slap on a tire and we'll be at party number three in no time.
Lily: I wish Marshall would call. I guess the circuits are jammed.
Barney: Yeah, you know why all the circuits are jammed because everyone's calling their loved ones, everyone around the world. Everyone except Barney. Oh, sure, laugh. Laugh for Barney Stinson. Laugh for the sad clown trapped on his whirling carousel of suits and cigars and bimbos and booze. Round and round it goes. And where's it all heading? Nowhere.
Robin: Is this just 'cause you lost your "Get Psyched" mix?
Barney: I'm sorry. Am I not allowed to have a pensive side?
Robin: No. No, not tonight. Not in the limo. We got to stay psyched. Ted went to a lot of trouble to make this an awesome New Year's. (singing...) *Shot through the heart And you're to blame, darling*
Ted and Robin: *You give love a bad name*
Ranjit: *A bad name*
Ted and Robin: *I play my part and you played your game*
Mary Beth: I'm going to get some air.
Ted and Robin: *Darling, you give love a bad name, bad name!*
Ted: It'll be fine. We'll be out of here in a jiff.
Mary Beth: Ted, I'm going to head out. My roommates are having a party not far from here.
Ted: No. Look, I know this night isn't turning out the way I planned, but...
Mary Beth: How long have you been in love with Robin?
Ted: I'm not in love... We're just friends. Where are you getting that from?
Mary Beth: Ted, it's okay. I'm fine. And I can tell that she's into you, too.
Ted: That's ridiculous. Wait. Really?
Mary Beth: Happy New Year, Ted.
[19 minutes before midnight]
Lily: I can't believe Mary Beth left before midnight.
Ted: Oh, she just had to make an appearance at this other party. It's no big deal.
Barney: The first time I rode in a limo I was five. I was on the way to my grandfather's funeral. I suppose, in a way, I still am.
Lily: Okay, wow, it's getting weird in here. I'm going to call Marshall.
Ted: But he left his phone.
Lily: Marshall! Marshall!
Robin: I'm sorry about your girl.
Ted: Sorry about your guy.
Robin: Well, at least we both have someone to kiss at midnight. Did you forget about our little deal? Because I did not.
Ted: I did not, too.
(Robin's phone starts ringing)
Robin: Derek. Hi. How's work?
Ted: I'll give you some privacy.
Lily: Marshall!
Ted: Okay, how's this for a plan? We start walking now, we get to party number three by 12:45. We celebrate the New Year in Central Standard Time.
Lily: Marshall!
Barney: Give it a rest, Ted.
Ted: Give what a rest?
Barney: Trying to turn this night into anything more than what it is, which is New Year's Eve which is the single biggest letdown of a night every single year.
Lily: Marshall!
Ted: Come on, come on, we can still turn this thing around. We've still got ten minutes.
Barney: Stop trying to chase down some magical, perfect New Years, Ted. It doesn't exist.
Lily: Marshall!
Marshall: Lily!
Ted: Holy crap.
Lily: Marshall!
Marshall: I knew I'd catch up with you guys eventually. So much to tell. I couldn't find Lily at party number three so I walked... I walked to the next party on the list.
Ted: Not Moby's party?
Marshall: Yes, Moby's party. Check it out. He signed my shirt. And guess what I found. Yeah, I heard it playing at the party, so I swiped it. Yeah, I know. Come on.
Barney: Come on! Oh! Oh!
Lily: Baby, baby, I was so worried about you. Why didn't you call me?
Marshall: I tried, baby. All the circuits were jammed. But wait, there's more. After party number four, I figured you guys went to party number five. And so I went there, too, and it is awesome. I want to cry, it is so awesome. We have to go there.
Ted: How? We'll never get a cab.
Ranjit: The flat's fixed.
Ted: Let's do this! Come on! In! Go, go, go!
Lily: Natalya?
Barney: Yeah, it turns out she was asleep in the front seat the whole time. Ranjit, why didn't you tell me?
Ranjit: I didn't want to awake her. She looked so peaceful.
Ted: Party number five is 20 blocks away and all the way across town. Ranjit, can you get us there in eight minutes?
Ranjit: I get you there in six.
[3 minutes before midnight]
Ranjit: I don't think I can do it.
All: No! Come on!
Lily: Move, you stupid taxi!
Marshall: Three minutes!
All: Come on!
Ted: Ranjit, put her in park. Dudes, I'm sure party number five is awesome, but it's not the best party in New York. 'Cause this is, right here.
Barney: Cheers. Well said.
All: Cheers.
Ted from 2030: And just like that, we were having the perfect New Year's Eve. The funny thing is all night long, I'd been trying to chase something down that was right there in that limo.
Robin: Derek?! Derek.
Derek: Hey.
Ted: Hey, uh, come on in.
Derek: I cut my meeting short because I wanted to see you at midnight.
Robin: I can't believe you made it.
Derek: I made it, baby.
Natalia: I super love you, okay?
Barney: Here, you need a mint.
All: Eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one! Happy New Year!
Ted from 2030: You probably want to feel bad for your old man at this point in the story. Well, don't. Not every night has a happy ending. But all of it's important. All of it was leading somewhere. Because suddenly, it was 2006. And 2006 was a big one.
Robin: What the hell, man? I thought we had a deal.
Ted: What about your guy? It's midnight. Go kiss him.
Robin: Eh, he kept me waiting. I can keep him waiting.
Ted: Well, a deal is a deal.
Robin: Happy New Year.
Ted: Happy New Year. | Plan: A: his friends; Q: Who does Ted surprise by hiring a limo? A: a limo; Q: What does Ted hire for his friends to take them on an excursion through New York City's nightlife? A: New York City's nightlife; Q: What does Ted take his friends to on New Year's Eve? A: Robin; Q: Who brings her new boyfriend with her? A: the group; Q: Who picks up and loses people as the night progresses? A: a favored party; Q: What do the rest of the group want to attend before the night is over? A: the clock; Q: What ticks closer to midnight? A: midnight; Q: When does the limo get stuck in traffic on the way to the last party? Summary: For New Year's Eve, Ted surprises his friends by hiring a limo to take them on an excursion through New York City's nightlife. Robin brings her new boyfriend, and the rest of the group each has a favored party that they each want to attend before the night is over. As the night progresses, the group picks up and loses people as the limo travels through the city. As the clock ticks closer to midnight, the limo gets stuck in traffic on the way to the last party. |
Opening shots and series recap.
JACK : (VO) Torchwood. Outside the government, beyond the police. Tracking down alien life on earth and arming the human race against the future. The 21st century is when everything changes and you gotta be ready.
INT. TORCHWOOD LIFT
Ianto stands in the lift, as it comes to a stop he adjusts his tie, tense - like he is about to atend a job interview. The door opens behind him into the central hub. Jack, Gwen, Owen and Tosh are playing basketball, screaming and shouting. Owen is on the balcony with the ball.
OWEN : Ok, come on Gwen. Jack picks up Gwen to move her from in front of him.
OWEN : Let 'im Gwen, let 'im Gwen. Ianto enters the hub, he stands by the entrance watching them play.
OWEN : Gwen, this is for you, baby. Owen throws the ball down towards them and they all go for it. The pterodactyl flies between them but Jack manages to grab the ball; the advantage of height.
OWEN : Just get it off him. Take it out his hands ! Gwen hits it out of Jack's hands and throws it to Owen.
OWEN : Oh come to daddy. Owen looks at the net below him and drops the ball through.
OWEN : Yeah ! Oh, first round's on you boss. Jack shrugs.
OWEN : Girls get your handbags.
JACK : Of course, that was an illegal move.
TOSHIKO : Totally illegal !
OWEN : Yeah. Keep telling yourself that, yeah. Owen makes an 'L' sign with his finger and thumb towards Jack and Tosh, walking backwards towards the lift behind Gwen.
OWEN : Losers, bye. Jack makes a 'whatever' sign with his hands and throws the ball to Ianto as they enter the lift, leaving Ianto in the hub. Ianto watches them leave and then runs across the hub.
EXT. MILLENNIUM SQUARE - DAY
Jack, Owen, Gwen and Toshiko was across Millennium square past the fountain.
GWEN : You've never seen a live rugby match ?
JACK : I have other things to with my time.
GWEN : Rhys knows a bloke whose cousin works for the millennium stadium, we should all go to the next Home international.
INT. THE HUB - CENTRAL
Ianto speaks into a mobile telephone near to the water tower.
IANTO : (Into phone) Can you make it two pepperoni feasts tonight ? And a tub of coleslaw, my boss says I'm not getting enough vegetables. Yeah, usual time. The cog door opens and Ianto looks round and starts to move towards the entrance.
IANTO : (Into phone) See you then. He jogs round the hub to meet the guest. A grey haired, smart looking Japanese man stands in the hub and looks around and the space, he has never been here before.
IANTO : Good to see you again, Sir. Are they looking after you at the hotel ? Ianto bows formally.
IANTO : Konnichiwa Tanizaki-san. Dr Tanizaki bows in return.
DR TANIZAKI : Konnichiwa. Ianto takes Dr Tanizaki's case from him and leads him down to the basement store rooms. Ianto stops before a sturdy pair of double doors and puts down the case. A small square window in the door glows with blue light. Ianto takes a key from the inside pocket of his jacket and unlocks the door, drawing back a heavy duty bolt.
IANTO : I did all I could. I really did. The door swings open. Ianto enters followed by the man. A cyber conversion unit stands in the room, breathing equipment and medical monitors are wired to a woman lying in the machine. Ianto presses a button and a metal frame begins to rise from its horizontal position. As the frame rises the woman can be seen clearly - her body is strewn with metal sections in between the flesh; a half finished cyberman.
DR TANIZAKI : My god. It's not possible ! One of them survived. Ianto kisses the cyberwoman gently on the lips.
IANTO : This is Lisa. As Ianto says her name, Lisa's eyes open.
OPENING CREDITS
INT. THE HUB - BASEMENT STORE ROOM
DR TANIZAKI : Is she awake ?
Ianto shakes his head.
IANTO : It's just a reaction to the medication.
DR TANIZAKI : She's the only one left. Across the whole world. Oh ! Thank you. He shakes Ianto's hand, smiling gratefully. A scientist excited by something new. He starts examining Lisa.
DR TANIZAKI : Thank you so much, bringing me here. I'd never thought to get my chance to study, to work with anything like this.
IANTO : Anyone.
DR TANIZAKI : Tell me, what happened ?
IANTO : She worked for Torchwood London. It was the end of the Canary Wharf battle. The cybermen needed soldiers fast. They started upgrading whole bodies instead of transplanting brains, using Earth technology. Lisa was halfway through the process when the machinery shut down.
DR TANIZAKI : You found her ? Flashback of Ianto pulling Lisa screaming through the burning building.
IANTO : I pulled her out.
DR TANIZAKI : Do you know the percentage ?
IANTO : The what ?
DR TANIZAKI : Some elements have been augmented, some are still human. Since her re-capacity for instance, her breathing and hearing appear completely cybernetic and yet there's also bare flesh. He touches her stomach.
DR TANIZAKI : Amazing! Perhaps 55% augmentation, with 45% awaiting completion, do you think ? Or perhaps, maybe 60, 40. It's fascinating. The doctor is excited, Ianto is impatient with him, not caring about the scientific challenge. Just wanting his girlfriend back, healthy.
IANTO : Can you make her human again ?
DR TANIZAKI : You took parts from a cyber-conversion unit and modified them into a life support for her. How did you know what to do ?
LISA : I told him.
IANTO : I thought you were resting. You should be resting. How's the pain, are the new doses working ?
LISA : A little. Lisa looks at Dr Tanizaki, her movements stiff
LISA : Is this him ?
IANTO : I promised didn't I.
LISA : And you always keep your promises. He nods and smiles at her.
DR TANIZAKI : I would like to ask her some questions. My name is Doctor Tanizaki. I specialise in cybernetics. Your friend, Mr. Jones asked me...
LISA : My boyfriend...
DR TANIZAK I: Yes, he asked me to come.
LISA : We agreed. Together.
DR TANIZAKI : A few simple questions. What is your name ?
LISA : Lisa Hallett.
DR TANIZAKI : How old are you ?
LISA : 26.
DR TANIZAKI : What is the last thing you remember before coming here ?
Flashback of Lisa at Torchwood, screaming.
LISA : Pain. I remember my body burning with pain. She looks to Ianto with tears in her eyes.
DR TANIZAKI : You said, there was somewhere I can work upstairs ? Ianto gives a small nod, unsure.
INT. THE HUB - AUTOPSY ROOM - DAY
Lisa lies on the table.
DR TANIZAKI : First stage is to enable her to breathe without a respirator. Once her body functions without support, I can judge what work is needed.
IANTO : What if she's not ready to breathe on her own.
DR TANIZAKI : You must be readily prepared for her not to survive. Ianto looks shocked. Unprepared that she may die and unwilling to accept the possibility.
DR TANIZAKI : Sometimes in order to save what we love, we have to risk losing it. Ianto paces around the autopsy room nervously while the doctor works. An alarm sounds and the doctor rushes to the end of the table to check Lisa's pupils.
IANTO : She's not strong enough !
DR TANIZAKI : Let me do my work.
INT. A BAR - CONCURRENT
Jack, Toshiko, Owen and Gwen.
JACK : ...and she says : Do you know how difficult it is to find a man in this city ? He had a nice flat, all his own hair, so frankly a couple of deaths I can live with. They all laugh at Jack's anecdote.
OWEN : Ianto's mate. Jack laughs again. TOSHIKO (Picking up her mobile) : UFO sighting over Cardigan Bay, seven calls to emergency services.
OWEN : Oh, can we at least finish our drinks please ?
JACK : Sure, take ten seconds. They all down the rest of their drinks, Gwen struggling with her almost full pint.
INT. THE HUB - AUTOPSY ROOM - CONCURRENT
Lisa struggles to breathe, Ianto stands over her. Powerless to do anything he transposes his anger onto the doctor.
IANTO : If she dies because of you.
LISA : Ianto ?
IANTO : Yes, I'm here. She's breathing it worked !
LISA : Why aren't I connected ?
IANTO : You're alive. He hugs Lisa and kisses her, relieved, happy.
IANTO : He kept you alive.
LISA : Thank you.
DR TANIZAKI : This is only the start. Another alarm sounds and Ianto runs to check a computer monitor. Over the CCTV Ianto sees the rest of the Torchwood team approaching.
IANTO : We gotta move, quickly ! Helps Lisa to her feet.
LISA : I'll walk.
IANTO : You've just woken up, you can't.
LISA : I want to walk. Please. Lisa stands, an arms across either man's shoulders for support.
IANTO : Help her downstairs, I'll clear up here. Ianto starts clearing up the autopsy room. Lisa, leaning on the doctor, turns before they reach the door and stops.
LISA : I'm alive. She smiles in realisation.
EXT. MILLENNIUM SQUARE - CONCURRENT
TOSHIKO : All I'm saying is that once in a while I'd like to drive.
OWEN : Yeah and all I'm saying is no.
TOSHIKO : Why not ?
OWEN : Look, I've put women behind the wheel before, I know what'll happen. There'll be an emergency. All raring to go, I jump in, what do I find ? Seats in the wrong position, mirrors out of line, and the steering wheel is in my crotch. So by the time I've taken the time to sort it all out, aliens will have taken over Newport.
Jack laughs.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. THE HUB
Ianto races around the hub, hiding the evidence of his activities.
INT. TORCHWOOD - RECEPTION - CONCURRENT
GWEN : What about a rota, different people drive on different days.
JACK : We're a secret organisation hunting alien technology from an underground base and you want a rota for who drives.
Opens the hidden door leading down to the hub.
GWEN : Just trying to help... She follows them into the passage as the door closes.
INT. THE HUB - BASEMENT
Ianto and Dr Tanizaki are supporting Lisa, her arms across their shoulders, taking her down to the store room. Ianto moves to leave Lisa with the doctor.
IANTO : As soon as they're gone I'll be down. Runs back up to the main hub, leaving the man to help Lisa walk back to the store room.
INT. THE HUB - CENTRAL - CONSECUTIVE
JACK : Tosh, call up the radar within a 50 mile radius over the bay for the last six hours. Gwen, check with that man Neil I think his name was, voice like Sean Connery, at Jodral Bank. See if they picked up any chat around the time of the sightings. Owen, access the air space provision over Cardigan Bay, also any RAF flight plans, see if it's just a case of mistaken identity.
Ianto arrives back in the main hub, adjusting his tie.
[SCENE_BREAK]
BASEMENT
Doctor Tanizaki helps Lisa walk back to the conversion unit.
DR TANIZAKI : Take it slowly, you're still very weak. He helps her turn around to get into the frame. Lisa turns to face him, standing alone. Her expression dies and she puts a hand around his throat and lifts him from the floor easily. He struggles but is unable to gain leverage.
INT. THE HUB - CENTRAL
GWEN (On phone) : Is that Neil ? It's Gwen Cooper from Torchwood. I know we're always after something aren't we ?
Ianto walks past her.
JACK : Ianto. Ianto turns slowly, not answering.
JACK : Would you work some coffee magic ? He puts his hands together in prayer. Ianto nods slightly and goes upstairs.
INT. BASEMENT
Lisa puts Doctor Tanizaki in the conversion unit. As the frame returns to its horizontal position clamps lock his wrists, ankles and temples so he cannot move his head.
DR TANIZAKI : Lisa, let me go !
LISA : I can help you. The human race is weak. I can make you strong. Her voice now has a robotic edge, the cyber man half of her totally in control. She presses a button on the keypad and electricity runs through the metal frame. A set of knives and saws come down from the ceiling on metal arms preparing to convert him. The doctor screams and the door closes on the sight.
INT. THE HUB - CENTRAL - CONCURRENT
The lights begin to flicker.
GWEN : What's happening ?
TOSHIKO : Internal power drain. The computer screen shows 'reboot'.
GWEN : What's causing it ?
JACK : Something big to drain that amount of power. Tosh run a system diagnostic. Ianto, nervous cuts in. Scared of what Toshiko will find.
IANTO : Actually, we've been having generator problems all evening. I was down there checking earlier. A couple of bits of cabling, come loose, thought I'd fixed it. They all stare and him.
IANTO : Let me have another look. Jack looks unconvinced by the story but allows him to carry on.
JACK : Fine go check.
GWEN : Need some help ?
IANTO : Fine !
[SCENE_BREAK]
BASEMENT STORE ROOM
Runs downstairs towards the store room. As he runs down the corridor the noise of hydraulic machinery booms around him, lights glow in the room as Ianto enters.
IANTO : You've got to turn everything off ! He presses a button to stop the machine and looks at the floor, Dr Tanizaki's body lies on the floor, his face mangled, blood coated. His eye partially upgraded into a melted metal hole.
LISA : Oh god, oh my god, what happened ?
LISA : His upgrade failed.
IANTO : Was it an accident ? He knows it was not an accident but is still hopeful.
IANTO : Tell me you didn't do this.
LISA : I wanted to repay him for helping me, by removing the weaknesses of his humanity. Ianto starts shouting, panicking. Lisa remains impassive.
IANTO : What've you done ? You, you've killed an innocent man.
LISA : It's alright.
IANTO : It's not alright ! They're going to come looking for me in a minute ! If they see the body, if they find out what we've been doing !
LISA : I can deal with them.
IANTO : Don't you go near them ! Ianto stops shouting and tries to rationalise, to reconcile her actions, excuse her. He speaks mainly to himself.
IANTO : You didn't mean to do this, something has happened to your mind... It, it was just some kind of side effect from this process. It's post traumatic. You didn't mean... Ianto grabs Lisa and shouts, pushing her.
IANTO : You've ruined everything now ! Lisa walks to him, Ianto veering between desperate anger and sorrow takes Lisa's face in his hands and they hold their foreheads together.
IANTO : How hard have we had to work to keep you alive ? Now you do this. Ianto pulls away a little, almost begging Lisa to follow his instructions.
IANTO : I need you to stay, in here. Rest; don't come out unless I tell you. This can't happen again Lisa, if you harm anyone else...I will...
LISA : Yes ? What will you do ? Ianto looks at Lisa upset, knowing that he loves her too much to take any action. He cannot answer and changes the subject.
IANTO : Ok... The body, I'm going to deal with the body. I can do this... Tries to pick the corpse up, he begins to cry.
IANTO : This is my fault. I'm responsible for this ! He visibly pulls himself together and picks up the corpse; drags it.
IANTO : I'll hide the body. Everything is going to be okay. Ianto drags the body out of the room and bolts the door. Lisa watches him leave and then powers up the cyber conversion unit.
INT. THE HUB - TOSHIKO'S WORKSTATION - CONCURRENT
A computer screen shows a fast moving light moving against darkness.
GWEN : That's a UFO.
OWEN : Only just.
JACK : Arkon leisure crawler, first generation, collector's item. You don't see many of those around these days. Tosh, send a polite message saying 'great to see them but please get the hell out of atmosphere; they're spooking the locals'.
TOSHIKO : Done.
GWEN : Shouldn't we be apprehending it, investigating it ?
JACK : Please, you interrogate an Ark and you'll be in there for a month, and that's just the first question, they are so boring. Besides they're mostly made of liquid, the cells would be a mess. Lights flicker again, computer crashes.
OWEN : There it goes again. The monitor shows '23% power loss'. Jack speaks into his wrist cuff, trying to contact Ianto.
JACK : Ianto we've got another dose of darkness. Find anything ? INTERCUT WITH : Ianto drags the doctor's body down a corridor.
JACK : Ianto I need to hear those beautiful welsh vowels. Ianto drags the body further. INTERCUT WITH : Lisa lies on the metal frame of the conversion unit, power flowing around her - upgrading.
TOSHIKO : Powers draining to the store room at the bottom of the building. Looking for human heat signals. We've got...
OWEN : Two signals.
TOSHIKO : So, assuming one's Ianto...
GWEN : Who's the other ?
JACK : I'm thinking we're under attack, security has been breached. We assume battle protocols. Jack runs off to get weapons, followed by the others.
TOSHIKO : That's impossible. No one can get in without sounding seven separate alarms.
JACK : Yeah... Jack opens up a gun cabinet and starts handing out weapons.
JACK : Well looks like our system needs to be upgraded.
OWEN : I'll head down and look for Ianto.
GWEN : I'll come with you.
OWEN : You alright with that ?
JACK : Keep your coms on at all times. Any doubts, shoot first. Priority is to find Ianto. Ianto puts the doctor's body on the floor of an unused basement call, lying on it's back. He covers him with a sheet, speaks to the doctor before coving his face.
IANTO : I'm sorry.
INT. THE HUB - BASEMENT CORRIDOR - CONCURRENT
Gwen and Owen are searching the lower floors. The unused corridors are damp, pools of water dotted about the rough brick floor. They shine torches through the darkness. They enter the corridor that leads to the store room. Red lights flicker through the window in the door.
GWEN : What's down here ?
OWEN : Normally ? Nothing...
JACK (Over the com) : Progress report.
OWEN : Signs of activity... Owen continues talking but the signal breaks up then cuts out completely. INTERCUT WITH : Jack and Toshiko upstairs in the central hub.
JACK : We're losing your com signals.
GWEN : We're going in to have a look.
TOSHIKO : Whatever that power source is, it's interfering with the coms.
JACK : Gwen, Owen, can you hear me. Nothing but white noise.
JACK : Damn. Can we get them back ?
TOSHIKO : Trying other channels. There's something else you need to see. Toshiko's computer screen shows thumbnails of film. 'Entry deleted' is shown in various places where images should be.
TOSHIKO : I've gone back through our internal CCTV footage in the last couple of hours. Someone's tried to remove images from our system.
JACK : See now I'm starting to get a little peeved. These people come into my house, start using my things...
TOSHIKO : I've dug into the system memory.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Jack and Tosh see Ianto and Dr Tanizaki in the hub earlier in the day.
JACK : What the hell's going on here ?
OWEN : Jack ? Tosh ?
JACK : Gwen, Owen can you hear me ?
GWEN : No coms. They realise they can't contact Jack.
OWEN : We're on out own then. Looks in to the store room through the little window.
OWEN : What the hell is going on ?
GWEN : What's the matter ?
OWEN : Can't see well enough. There's something in there. It's like an operating table. He unbolts the door and they stand facing the door.
GWEN : Ok ?
OWEN : Yep... 1... 2... They kick open the door together on the count of 3, guns leading. They scan the room, Lisa is no longer in the conversion unit.
OWEN : Oh no, no, no, no !
GWEN : What the hell is it ?
OWEN : It's wrong. It's beyond wrong, it shouldn't be here. Turn the thing off ! Turn it off ! Gwen rushes over to turn it off.
INT. THE HUB - TOSHIKO'S WORKSTATION
Toshiko's monitor reads "Auto Power Resuming".
TOSHIKO : Internal levels have been restored.
JACK : Gwen, Owen ? Can you hear me ?
INT. THE BASEMENT STORE ROOM
OWEN : These things brought down Torchwood one. They were all destroyed. Why's there one in our bloody basement.
Owen is angry, betraying bad memories.
GWEN : Just tell me what it does.
OWEN : It's the remnants of a conversion unit. This machinery turns humans into cybermen. INTERCUT WITH :
INT. THE HUB - TOSHIKO'S WORKSTATION
JACK : If I don't hear something within 30 seconds I'm coming down there.
GWEN : Jack, it's Gwen. The coms dropped out, we're back online now.
JACK : Any sign of Ianto ?
OWEN : No. But we have found parts of a cyber-conversion unit, fully powered up and working.
JACK : This is no time to be kidding around Owen.
OWEN : I'm deadly serious. I don't know why it's here or how it got here. That's what's draining our power.
Jack is silent, shocked by the news.
OWEN : Jack you there ?
JACK : I want you two back up here immediately.
OWEN : We still haven't... The cyberwoman appears. She hits Owen from behind. Gwen turns around.
GWEN : Jack. Code zero incursion. Repeat code zero incursion. We're under attack.
JACK : If you don't hear from me within fifteen minutes, activate total shut down procedures and get yourself to safety. Jack leaves Toshiko's station.
TOSHIKO : But I can't just leave you all here !
JACK : If there's a cyberman in this building we need a last line in defence. Just make sure it never gets to the outside world.
INT. THE HUB - BASEMENT
Owen has been knocked out. Gwen is pointing a gun at Lisa who stands near.
GWEN : Whatever you are... Whoever you are, I don't mean you any harm. Don't come any closer or I'll shoot. Lisa knocks the gun out her hand and gets her by the neck.
GWEN : Let me go ! Lisa slams her down onto the conversion unit frame.
LISA : Do not struggle. You will be like me. Lisa starts the electricity flow whilst Gwen is in the machine. Jack enters the room.
JACK : Put down any weapons, put your hands up and turn and face me ! You're a woman ! Ianto appears and knocks Jack aside as he fires, causing Jack to miss his target. Ianto pins him to the wall by his wrists.
GWEN : Owen ? Jack ? She screams as the machine starts to work.
IANTO : You don't know what she is doing ! Pushes him back against the opposite wall.
JACK : You are fighting the wrong guy ! The saws appear above the conversion unit.
GWEN : Get me out of here, someone ! Please ! Ianto runs in and goes over to the keypad.
GWEN : Switch it off !
IANTO : I'm trying ! She's done something to the circuits ! Shut off the power, everywhere !
JACK (On com) : Toshiko cut all power in the base !
TOSHIKO : I do that, the base will go into lockdown, we'll be trapped !
JACK : Just do it ! Toshiko pulls a manual override lever. Every door shuts and the lights go off, transferred to emergency red lighting.
JACK : Gwen ?
GWEN : I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine. Sort of. Jack please get me out of here.
JACK : It's alright.
GWEN : Where is she ? Where did she go ? Please tell me you got her ! Jack turns and shines his torch on Ianto.
JACK : Stand guard by the door.
IANTO : I'm sorry, I'm really sorry.
GWEN : What for ? Jack watches Ianto move to stand by the door, angry but to busy to shout.
JACK : Lets just get out of here. He presses a few buttons on his wrist cuff and the conversion unit unlocks, releasing Gwen. They move out into the corridor, Ianto leading, checking their path.
JACK : Clear ?
IANTO : Clear. Ianto and Gwen walk either side of Jack with flashlights whilst Jack carries Owen on his shoulder and points the gun ahead of him. The cyberwoman steps out in front of them.
GWEN : Oh there she is ! What is she?
JACK : Some form of Cyberman. They're us, upgraded. Humans with emotions removed, created on a parallel world, and supposedly destroyed on this one.
GWEN : What are we going to do ?
JACK : I don't know. Gwen looks at Jack, shocked by the admission, scarred. The cyberwoman turns and walks away down another passage.
IANTO : She's gone. Jack readies his gun and points it at Ianto.
JACK : Get us back to the hub ! Ianto starts walking forwards slowly, Jack behind with his gun to Ianto's head. Gwen is disturbed and confused, not knowing what Ianto has done.
GWEN : Jack what're you doing ?
JACK : Resisting the urge to shoot !
INT. THE HUB - CENTRAL
JACK : Tosh get everything from the weapons room, fast as you can !
TOSHIKO : It's locked down. There's no manual override.
JACK : Just open the store.
Jack puts a hand on Ianto's shoulder; he guides Ianto round to face him then pushes him down.
JACK : On your knees ! Hands above your head. Ianto obeys without question and Jack points the gun at Ianto's forehead.
TOSHIKO : Jack for god's sake, what're you doing !
JACK : Tosh ! I just gave you an order ! Gwen help her. Toshiko and Gwen leave to get weapons and Jack ignores them, demanding answers from Ianto.
JACK : Did you know that thing was down there ?
IANTO : I put her there.
JACK : You hid a cyberman within Torchwood. Gwen comes over to stand by Jack holding a flashlight. Jack puts the gun against Ianto's head.
JACK : And you didn't tell us, what else are you keeping from us ?
IANTO : Like you care ! I clear up your sh1t, no questions asked and that's the way you like it. When did you last ask me anything about my life ? Jack lowers his gun, knowing Ianto is right.
IANTO : Her name's Lisa. She's my girlfriend.
GWEN : Why didn't you tell us. We could've helped you.
IANTO : Torchwood exists to destroy alien threats. Why would I tell you about her ?
OWEN : A little loyalty perhaps.
IANTO : My loyalty is to her. She worked for Torchwood; she was caught up in battle. I owe it to Lisa, we owe it to her. To find a cure. Jack is calmer now, understanding Ianto's actions but still angry that Ianto has done this and frustrated with his optimism that there is any hope for Lisa.
JACK : Ianto you have to believe me, there is no cure... There never will be, those who are converted stay that way. Your girlfriend will not be the exception.
IANTO : You can't know that for sure.
JACK : Look, you need to know what's happening here 'cause this is where these things start. Small decisions that become mass slaughter. These creatures regain a foothold by exploiting human weakness. Then they take a base, re-build their forces and before you know it the cyber-race is spreading out across the universe erasing worlds, assimilating populations, all because of the tiny beginnings here. We need to stop her... together ! Ianto stands to face Jack.
IANTO : You're not listening to me ! The conversion process was never completed.
JACK : She already tried to kill Gwen. You think she's gonna stop there ? There is no turning back for her now.
IANTO : I'm not giving up on her. I love her, can you understand that Jack ? Haven't you ever loved anyone ?
JACK : You need to figure out whose side you're on here, because if you don't know, you're not going to make it out of this alive ! Jack walks away from Ianto.
OWEN : There's no way this weapons door is gonna open.
TOSHIKO : It's gonna take 6 hours for the power to come back online.
IANTO : Let me talk to her, I can still save her. Save all of us. She's not a monster. The cyberwoman reappears on the other side of the hub, Ianto walks to her, cautiously. Gwen follows half of the way, attempting to stop him but unwilling to go near Lisa.
GWEN : Ianto !
IANTO : Lisa ! It's me...
GWEN : You can't just let him go...
JACK : Shh... Signals for Gwen to stop talking; to let Ianto try and talk to her.
LISA : The army will be re-built from here. This building is suitable.
JACK : Who are you ?
LISA : Human point two.
IANTO : No. Lisa...
JACK : So how come you look like human point one ?
LISA : I do not understand.
JACK : Look at yourself, go ahead... She looks at her reflection on the metal wall.
IANTO : Remember Lisa, remember who you are...
LISA : The upgrade is incomplete.
IANTO : You're still human.
LISA : I am... disgusting. I am, I am... wrong...
IANTO : We can help you.
LISA : I must start again. Upgrade properly.
IANTO : For gods sake have you heard yourself ? Lisa please, I brought you here to heal you... so we could be together... LISA (Turning to look at him) : Together, yes. Transplant my brain into your body. The two of us together, fused. We will be one complete person, isn't that what love is ?
IANTO : No.
LISA : Then we are not compatible. Lisa grabs Ianto by the neck and throws him over arm across the hub and onto the floor, knocking him out. Jack raises his gun and points it at her. Lisa shoots beams of electricity at Jack who drops one hand off his gun.
JACK : Code nine manoeuvres, go ! Gwen stands looking at the cyber woman while the others run.
JACK : Gwen, Gwen get out of there ! The cyberwoman moves towards Gwen and Owen shouts to distract her.
OWEN : Lisa, Lisa ! What're you waiting for !
JACK : Gwen ! Gwen runs over to Jack and takes his hand. He helps her over the step in the hub floor.
LISA : Run. We all ran. Owen runs along the top balcony. Jack, Gwen, Owen and Toshiko are inside the board room looking down on her through the glass window. Ianto is still unconscious on the hub floor.
GWEN : She's coming after us !
OWEN : Well there's a surprise.
GWEN : Could you be any less helpful ?
OWEN : Oi, I just helped you escape.
JACK : Shut up ! Both of you ! Ok now, it's going to be a fight to the death. We do whatever is necessary to destroy her. Forget what Ianto said, that thing is not human, clear ?
GWEN : Yeah, yeah.
TOSHIKO : What's this ? She picks up a small object from the table.
JACK : Something Suzie scavenged last year, she claimed it could open any lock in 45 seconds. I want you out the exit gates, up the emergency stairs to reception.
OWEN : She'll never open that door without power, it weighs a ton.
TOSHIKO : Anyway, I'm not leaving you here.
JACK : Just do as I say. All of you ! Jack looks at them all, demanding they follow orders gives Toshiko her instructions.
JACK : Once in reception, panel next to the desk, pull it out, take circuit 357 from the main system, patch it to these. There should be enough power in there for what we need. Once the main circuit goes live, get out; meet us by the water tower. Go ! Toshiko leaves and Jack speaks to Owen and Gwen.
JACK : You two, find anything that even resembles a weapon.
OWEN : I'll go to the autopsy room there should be some leads in there...
GWEN : What're you going to do ?
JACK : Buy you some more time, go ! Gwen and Owen leave. Lisa comes into the room.
JACK : Hey Lisa ! It is Lisa isn't it ? You've been hiding in my basement, that's ok, draining my power, I can live with that; but now you're starting to hurt my friends, this is gonna stop ! He leaves the room followed by Lisa. He runs downstairs into the main hub. Toshiko has only just made it to the exit gate. She puts the device onto the gate to try and open it.
LISA : This building belongs to me now. You will all be deleted.
JACK : I'm sorry for what they did to you but this ends here ! Lisa grabs the side of Jack's neck and fills him with electricity.
GWEN : Jack ! Gwen runs towards Jack, Owen stops her, holding her back as they watch from the balcony. Toshiko manages to open the gate, she goes through and as she does do Lisa walks towards her, thinking Jack is dead. Jack revives himself and stands up.
OWEN : How could he survive that ?
JACK : Is that all you got ? I'm not so easily deleted. Lisa turns back to Jack and pumps more electricity into him. Jack falls to the floor dead. Gwen struggles against Owen, trying to break his hold.
OWEN : You can't help him. Toshiko watches the scene, forgetting about the cog door until Lisa starts to walk towards her again. She puts the alien device to the door, scarred now.
TOSHIKO : Come on. She pulls the door back and squeezes through just closing it behind her in time. She rests her back against the door catching her breath. Lisa puts his arm through the porthole window and Toshiko runs for the emergency stairs.
[SCENE_BREAK]
AUTOPSY ROOM
Owen and Gwen go to the autopsy room to collect weapons. Lisa is unable to get to Toshiko and re-enters the central hub, Gwen shines her torch at her, and Lisa starts walking towards the autopsy room.
GWEN : sh1t ! You got another exit ?
OWEN : No !
GWEN : We're trapped ? Owen opens a cupboard door.
OWEN : Get in !
GWEN : What ? No way !
OWEN : Lie on tope of me and I'll take those plugs.
GWEN : I'm not lying on top of you !
OWEN : I'm not saying it's a brilliant idea, but it's the only one we've got ! He gets into the cupboard. INTERCUT WITH :
INT. THE HUB - CENTRAL FLOOR
Jack lies near to Ianto. He starts to come round, writing in pain as he struggles to his feet. Gwen is inside the cupboard with Owen trying to be silent as they hear Lisa enter the autopsy room and start searching for them. Jack sees Ianto still lying on the hub floor in a pool of water. He goes to him, sitting on the step he pulls Ianto into a sitting position, lying across his arm beside him. Gwen lies on top of Owen in the cupboard, listening to Lisa, terrified. Jack looks around the hub, trying to see Lisa. He slaps Ianto lightly on the cheek trying to wake him. Gwen and Owen still in the cupboard, knowing Lisa is getting closer.
GWEN : What do we do ? Owen kisses her and Gwen quickly reciprocates. Jack kisses Ianto until he wakes up and takes a deep intake of breath. Jack holds up a finger, signalling for Ianto to be quiet.Gwen's mobile phone starts to ring. She struggles to pull the phone from her pocket in the enclosed space.
OWEN : Turn it off ! Gwen throws the phone from the cupboard, the gets out herself.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Rhys stands by the bay on his mobile. He leaves a message on Gwen's answering machine.
RHYS : Alright lover it's the man of your dreams, I've 'ad a couple of beers with Dav and we're off for a curry so can you video wife swap ?
[SCENE_BREAK]
THE HUB - AUTOPSY ROOM
Gwen and Owen are both out of the cupboard and Lisa goes towards Gwen.
OWEN : Don't you touch her ! Owen picks up a knife and stabs Lisa in the stomach. Ianto hears the noise and looks way from Jack. He pulls away and runs towards the autopsy room. Lisa lies on the autopsy room floor, apparently dead.
GWEN : What the hell was that ?
OWEN : What ?
GWEN : Snogging me ?
OWEN : Last kiss for the condemned man. Embarrassing given we haven't been killed. What ? It's not like I fancy you or anything !
GWEN : I was on top of you... I could feel your hard on...
OWEN : Yeah... Well... You didn't exactly struggle, did ya ? Ianto comes in and goes over to Lisa.
OWEN : It was kill or be killed.
GWEN : Owen's right there was no choice. Lisa suddenly wakes up. And Ianto backs away quickly, afraid.
GWEN : Ianto move ! Get out, Ianto ! She pushes him aside.
GWEN : Get out I said ! Move ! Move ! They go up the stairs and onto the balcony, they run into the main hub. Lisa blocks the exit. Jack comes in from the centre of the hub, gun at the ready.
OWEN : You should be dead !
JACK : I'm the stubborn type. Get behind me. They all get behind him; they're standing on the invisible lift. Jack is holding a blowtorch and BBQ sauce. INTERCUT WITH : Toshiko lies on the floor under the desk in reception, pulling out pieces of wire, trying to reinstate the power. Jack points the blowtorch at Lisa, who stands well clear of the flames.
JACK : That's right, stay back. This'll at least give you a heart burn !
LISA : The power will run out, I can wait.
IANTO : Jack help her ! Give her chance to surrender !
OWEN : Have you not seen what she's done ?
IANTO : It's still in the cells, we can reverse the process.
JACK : I've told you we're past that. Hold him back !
GWEN : What're you going to do ? They stand near to the invisible lift, getting onto the platform.
JACK : Don't ask questions, just get him on there and hold him ! He squirts Lisa with the sauce.
GWEN : What is that stuff ?
JACK : A kind of BBQ sauce. It helps it identify its food.
GWEN : Helps what identify its food ? Jack runs to them on the lift platform.
JACK : I'm sorry. Jack looks at Ianto and presses a button on his wrist cuff. The pterodactyl flies towards Lisa and starts to attack her viciously.
IANTO : You'll kill her ! Let me go, let me help her !
[SCENE_BREAK]
THE HUB - RECEPTION.
Toshiko gets the power back on.
[SCENE_BREAK]
THE HUB - LIFT
The lift starts to rise, and Ianto struggles to get free of the others desperate to help Lisa.
JACK : Hold him still !
IANTO : You can help her ! Have some f*cking mercy ! The pterodactyl has Lisa on the floor attacking her. Lisa screams.
IANTO : No !
EXT. MILLENNIUM FOUNTAIN
They stand by the fountain. Toshiko runs towards them from the hub reception.
TOSHIKO : It worked ! She smiles happily as she approaches then sees their expressions.
TOSHIKO : What happened ?
JACK : Oh... Jack waves away her question, not wanting to explain. Ianto moves forward and punches Jack hard in the face. Jack falls to the floor while Gwen grabs Ianto and pushes him out of the way.
GWEN : Oi !
IANTO : You could've saved her ! Jack stands up facing Ianto.
IANTO : You're worse than anything locked up down there ! Jack wipes blood from his mouth.
IANTO : One day I'll have the chance to save you... and I'll watch you suffer and die !
JACK : It was the only thing that would stop her ! Jack starts to move towards Ianto, ready to hit him. Owen pushes him back.
TOSHIKO : Listen, when I was at reception I managed to trip the lock down timer, we can get back in any second... Ianto runs towards the reception entrance away from the others.
JACK : Ianto ! They run after Ianto.
INT. THE HUB - RECEPTION
A girl is delivering Ianto's pizza.
ANNIE : Pizza. She presses the intercom. Seen through CCTV footage on Hub monitor Annie is let into reception.
ANNIE : Ianto ? The door in the wall slides open and Annie walks through and into the lift. She enters the hub cautiously. The floor is a mess.
ANNIE : Bloody hell ! Annie looks around for Ianto and calls out.
ANNIE : Ianto, do you want these or not ? Lisa stands behind Annie as she calls out.
EXT. OUTSIDE HUB RECEPTION
Jack, Toshiko, Owen and Gwen still chasing Ianto.
JACK : Ianto stop !
GWEN : She can't have survived that attack !
TOSHIKO : I used my initiative. I'm sorry.
JACK : When I want you to think for yourself I'll tell you !
TOSHIKO : Maybe if you'd told me your plan I wouldn't have done it. Ianto points a gun at them as they enter reception.
GWEN : Ianto, don't be stupid !
IANTO : I've nothing left to lose.
JACK : There is always something left to lose.
IANTO : I'm going back in to save her, if anybody tries to stop me, I'll shoot them.
GWEN : Ianto put the gun... Jack knocks the gun out of Ianto's hand and grabs his collar. Drawing his own gun he puts it to Ianto's head.
JACK : You make a threat like that you better be prepared to follow it through. See, you disobey me now, I really will shoot you.
IANTO : Get off me !
JACK : You wanna go back in there ? You go in to finish the job. If she's still alive you execute her.
IANTO : No way...
JACK : You brought this down on us, you hid her. You hid yourself from us ! Now it's time for you to stand as part of the team. Gwen puts her hand on his shoulder.
GWEN : Jack...
JACK : The girl you loved is gone. Your loyalty is to us now !
IANTO : You can't order me to do that...
JACK : You execute her, or I'll execute you both !
IANTO : I won't do it... You can't make me. You like to think you're a hero, but you're the biggest monster of all.
JACK : I'm giving you ten minutes then we're comin' in... pick it up ! Ianto picks up the gun from the floor, looks at his team-mates and walks out. The others stare at Ianto, silent until he has left the room.
TOSHIKO : How can you ask...
JACK : I don't need your opinion !
INT. THE HUB - CENTRAL
Ianto enters the main hub, boxes litter the floor. He looks around and sees the pizza boxes, discarded on the floor. Alarms sound. He runs down to the store room.
IANTO : Lisa ! Ianto calls out then sees Lisa lying on the floor covered in blood. He cries silently, overcome with grief. Annie enters.
ANNIE : Ianto. Ianto it's me. Ianto looks at her and raises the gun.
ANNIE : It's Lisa, I'm human again. Annie has a badly sewn wound circling her forehead. Lisa has transplanted her brain.
ANNIE : You fought so hard for me, I had to hold on for you so... Ianto doesn't drop his gun.
ANNIE : I took this body and transplanted the brain.
IANTO : You're not Lisa... He is upset but continues pointing the gun at her.
ANNIE : You always said you didn't love me for what I looked like. Last time you said that it was a Saturday, we were hung over, you made cheese toasties and moaned I hadn't de-scaled my kettle. Ianto still does not lower the gun, Annie keeps taking, upset, trying to win Ianto over.
ANNIE : That night we camped on a beach in Brittany, it got so freezing we wore our coats and shared one sleeping bag. When we woke up the next morning a dog was pissing on our tent. Hold me Ianto; I need you to hold me. Ianto lowers the gun slightly, loosing his resolve.
ANNIE : I need you to tell me it's alright. Ianto cries and hugs her then releases her and steps back raising the gun.
ANNIE : What'ya doing ? Ianto it's me. You wouldn't shoot me. I did this for you.
IANTO : I'm sorry... I'm sorry... Ianto goes to shoot her then lowers the gun, crying, unable to shoot her.
IANTO : Lisa...
ANNIE : We can be upgraded together... Annie is shot and Ianto turns around to see Owen, Gwen, Jack and Toshiko standing in a line. They continue to shoot Lisa until she collapses onto the conversion unit, ensuring she is dead. Ianto looks at Annie then goes over to Lisa's body and cries over her watched by the others.
INT. THE HUB - CENTRAL - NIGHT
Ianto enters the hub through the cog door. Jack and Gwen watch him from the board room window. Ianto looks up at them then walks across the hub to clear up the mess. Business as usual.
GWEN : You'd never have shot him, not really.
JACK : Wouldn't I ?
GWEN : Would you have shot me if I'd gone and stood by him ?
JACK : But you didn't.
GWEN : But if I had though...
JACK : But you didn't.
GWEN : Will he stay ? Jack shrugs.
GWEN : All that deception... because he couldn't bear to live without her... So have you ever loved anyone that much ? Jack does not answer, but continues staring through the window. Gwen changes the subject, knowing Jack will not tell her.
GWEN : When she got hold of you I thought just for a moment, maybe you die after all...
JACK : Wanna know a secret ?
GWEN : Mm...
JACK : So did I... and just for a second there I felt, so alive... Close on Ianto clearing up the mess in the hub, alone. | Plan: A: Ianto Jones; Q: Who has been hiding a very big secret at Torchwood? A: his half-converted girlfriend; Q: What is Ianto Jones hiding in the basement? A: the Canary Wharf Battle - down; Q: Where did Ianto Jones meet his girlfriend? A: a Japanese doctor; Q: Who does Ianto Jones hire to try to cure his girlfriend? A: Cyberwoman; Q: What is the name of the half-converted girlfriend that Ianto Jones is trying to cure? A: Upgrading; Q: What is compulsory after the Cyberwoman's destructive powers are released? Summary: Ianto Jones has been hiding a very big secret at Torchwood - his half-converted girlfriend from the Canary Wharf Battle - down in the basement. He is quick to hire a Japanese doctor who believes he can "cure" her. But things soon go wrong, and the Cyberwoman's destructive powers are released to the whole of Torchwood. Upgrading is compulsory. |
Scene: The stairwell
Raj: Hey, want to spend some time playing the new Star Wars game this weekend?
Leonard: Oh, I don't know. I kind of promised myself I'd get off the computer, be more physically active. Get some exercise.
Howard: You're about to walk up three flights of stairs.
Leonard: Good point, I'm in.
Raj: You know what would be great? Let's do it like the old days.
Leonard: You mean, are you talking gaming marathon?
Raj: Yeah. Start Saturday morning, go 48 hours, sleeping bags, junk food.
Howard: Turn off our phones so our moms can't call.
Leonard: It would be like our World Of Warcraft a few years ago when the neighbours called the cops on us.
Howard: They called the cops because of the smell. They thought we were dead.
Raj: We were badass back in the day.
Leonard: All right, let's do it.
Howard: 48 hours of Star Wars gaming.
Raj: It's on like Alderaan.
Leonard: Hey, Sheldon, clear your weekend. Starting Saturday morning, Star Wars< marathon
Raj: Woo-hoo!
Sheldon: Movies or video games? Or board game? Or trading card games? Or Lego's? Or dress up? Or comic books? Or dramatic readings of novelizations? Yes to all!
Leonard: We are going to play the online game.
Sheldon: The online game? Bully!
Amy: Gentlemen, as much as I'm sure Sheldon would enjoy playing intergalactic make-believe, he and I have other plans. We are attending my Aunt Flora's 93rd birthday party.
Sheldon: Just tell her I can't come.
Amy: She'll be disappointed if we don't show up.
Sheldon: She's 93. She won't be disappointed for very long.
Amy: No, hang on. I followed all the protocols set forth by you in the relationship agreement. I made a written record request 72 hours in advance. I checked the tyre pressure on the car. I even contacted the Centres For Disease Control to find out what shots they recommend for travel to Orange County. FYI, it's none.
Sheldon: Amy, the relationship agreement was not designed for either one of us to get our way.
Amy: You use it to get your way.
Sheldon: I use it to get the right way. The fact that the right way is also my way is a happy coincidence.
Amy: You gave me your word. You're coming with me.
Leonard: We'll miss you, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Yeah, well, who wants to spend the whole weekend, running around a bunch of pretend planets battling made up monsters. That's for babies.
Howard: Yeah, but it's got lightsabres.
Sheldon: Yeah, please, Amy! It's got lightsabres! Credits sequence.
Scene: The comic book store.
Sheldon: Hello Stuart.
Stuart: Hey Sheldon. Help you with anything?
Sheldon: Yes. I'm attending a party this weekend, for a 93-year-old woman. Can you recommend a gift?
Stuart: Uh, I don't know. Could put a tennis ball on the end of Excalibur. Make a pretty badass cane.
Sheldon: Do you supply the the tennis ball?
Stuart: No.
Sheldon: Then no. What else?
Stuart: Hmm. Oh, have this collectors edition Batman utility belt. Maybe she can use it as a wearable pill caddy.
Sheldon: Well, she'd just look silly wearing that without the rest of the costume.
Stuart: I'm sorry Sheldon, that's it. That's all I got.
Sheldon: Oh, it's not your fault. I've been to the model train store. I've been to Radio Shack. This woman is impossible to shop for.
Leonard: I'd make fun of Sheldon for having girl problems if I wasn't in shock that Sheldon has girl problems.
Sheldon: No, Leonard, go ahead and mock. Like my daddy always said, Shelly, women aren't anything but flippin' pains in the bottom.
Leonard: That's what your father used to say?
Sheldon: Well, I took out the bad words and the yeehaw, but you get the gist.
Howard: Look, if you don't want to go to the party, just don't go. You're a grown man. Act like one. Tell Amy you want to spend the weekend having a sleepover and playing video games with your friends. Maybe she'll dig it. Women like a firm hand on the tiller.
Raj: I can never find the tiller. I got a book; it didn't help.
Sheldon: Yeah, I always thought if I were ever enslaved, it would be by an advanced species from another planet, not some hotsy-totsy from Glendale.
Howard: Now, I downloaded an app that might be helpful in this situation. (Phone makes whip sound)
Sheldon: You're right. I'm smart as a whip. I should be able to figure this out.
Scene: Penny's apartment.
Leonard: Hey, listen, I kind of made plans with the guys this weekend, but then I wondered, because we're in this relationship-beta-test, if I should have asked you first. Then I thought if I did check with you first, you'd think that I was taking things to seriously. And then, then I got a nosebleed.
Penny: You don't have to check with me. Do whatever you want.
Leonard: Oh. I guess I was hoping for a different reaction, but okay.
Penny: Really, what were you hoping for?
Leonard: I don't know, maybe that you'd be a little upset, and then you'd realize that I'm a stallion that has to run free. And that would turn you on a little.
Penny: Okay, I'm an actress. Ask me again.
Leonard: Do you mind if I spend the weekend playing video games with the guys?
Penny: Whu... the entire weekend? You mean I wouldn't see you at all? But I ju... No, no, I knew what I was getting into. You can't put a saddle on Leonard Hofstadter. Oh, my, is it getting hot in here? Ay, papi.
Leonard: Ay papi? What is that?
Penny: An acting choice.
Leonard: Oh. So you chose that when you become turned on, you turn into Speedy Gonzalez?
Penny: Choo got a problem with that, papi?
Leonard: Uh-uh.
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny! (Knock, knock, knock) Penny! (Knock, knock, knock) Penny!
Penny: Sorry, Stallion. Your weird friend Giraffe is here.
Sheldon: Hello, Penny. I just stopped by to bring you this gift.
Penny: Gummy bears? Thank you.
Sheldon: Now that you're in my debt, please manipulate Amy into releasing me from my commitment to attend her aunt's tedious birthday party.
Penny: Not a chance.
Sheldon: All right. I thought the candy might not be enough so let me up the ante. These are Cooper Coupons. These are for various things I can do for you. Um, oh, this one is for one free grammar check. Uh, you could use it for emails, letters, tattoos, what have you. Um, oh, this is fun one. This is an afternoon with me at the California Science Center, where I point out their mistakes.
Leonard: Keep an eye on those expiration dates, I've been burned more than once.
Penny: All right, sweetie, I'm not going to get involved in your relationship.
Sheldon: Oh, come on. It's just a simple favour. Now, when's the last time I asked you to do something for me?
Penny: Yesterday. You made me look in your ear to see if there was a ladybug in it.
Sheldon: When is the last time I asked you to do something that wasn't a medical emergency?
Penny: Yesterday. You made me look in your ear to see if there was a ladybug in it.
Sheldon: All right, then, I have no choice but to go on to plan B.
Penny: What's that?
Sheldon: I'm going to run around outside with a wet head and try to catch a cold.
Scene: Amy's car.
Amy: Good morning.
Sheldon: Hello.
Amy: I think you're really going to enjoy yourself today. Not only do you get to meet my relatives, but since my aunt's nursing home is catering the party, all of the food is incredibly soft. It's like a vacation for your teeth.
Sheldon: All right.
Amy: You sure you're okay with this?
Sheldon: Yes. I decided to find a way that I could have this experience and enjoy it.
Amy: Thank you. That means a lot to me.
Sheldon: Oh, don't thank me. Thank wireless technology. I realized, I can go to your aunt's awful party and still spend the whole day gaming with my friends.
Amy: Sheldon, my relatives are going to want to talk to you, and you're going to be sitting there playing a game? Isn't that a little rude?
Sheldon: Oh, I got that covered. Headset. I won't hear a word the old geezers are saying.
Amy: You know, if playing that game is more important to you than honouring your commitment to me, and you don't mind me showing up at a party all by myself after I've already told everybody I'll be bringing somebody, then, fine. Go home and play your game.
Sheldon: Thanks. Ooh, listen, I wouldn't mind a piece of birthday cake, provided the old gal's candle blow is clean and dry.
Scene: The apartment.
Raj: Here you go. I've got everything we'll need for the big game. Low fat turkey jerky, low-carb beer, 100-calorie snack packs.
Leonard: You pick up a Y chromosome while you were there? You might be short one.
Raj: Hey, I plan on levelling up in the game, not my swimsuit size, thank you very much.
Sheldon: Gentlemen, the game offers us a choice between playing for the Republic and the light side, or the Sith Empire and the dark side.
Leonard: Well, we're always the good guys. In D&D, we're lawful good, in City Of Heroes, we're the heroes, in Grand Theft Auto, we pay the prostitutes promptly and never hit them with a bat.
Sheldon: Those women are prostitutes? You said they were raising money for stem cell research.
Howard: Hey, guys, I got a surprise.
Leonard: Uh, if it's yoghurt that helps ladies poop, I think Raj beat you to it.
Howard: No. Bernadette's going to be playing with us. So, that's pretty cool, huh? Right? Sure it is, yeah.
Raj: What, you invited your girlfriend? This is supposed to be our weekend.
Howard: I had no choice. Last night, she said, why don't we go out for brunch tomorrow and then maybe the Arboretum. And I said, well, no, I promised the guys I was going to play a video game with them all weekend. And she said, that sounds like fun, can I come, too? And then I didn't answer for a second, and then she said, well, do you not want me to come? And then I bought her a new laptop and the game, and she's parking the car right now.
Sheldon: Is the whip sound app contextually appropriate here?
Leonard: Uh, it is, but I think you might've waited too long for it to be funny. (Whip sound) I was wrong, it's still funny.
Sheldon: Oh, good. Hah-hah!
Scene: Penny's apartment.
Penny: Amy, what's wrong?
Amy: My boyfriend's a jerk.
Penny: Well, I know he didn't cheat on you, so what happened?
Amy: I had to go to my aunt's party all by myself, and everybody was like, where's this boyfriend you're always talking about? Is he real, or did you make him up like Armin the miniature horse breeder?
Penny: Who's Armin the miniature horse breeder?
Amy: The pretend boyfriend I invented to get my family off my back. It unravelled quickly when I couldn't answer the question how'd you two meet?
Penny: I would have thought at a miniature horse show.
Amy: Oh, that's good.
Penny: Mm.
Amy: I panicked and said Woodstock. I just wanted to show Sheldon off to my family.
Penny: Sure, I get that. I mean, he's your first boyfriend and all.
Amy: Not just my first boyfriend, he's the best boyfriend. I mean, think about it. I'm dating Sheldon Cooper.
Penny: Yes. On purpose.
Amy: He's handsome, he's lanky, he's brilliant, and his skin has that pale, waxy quality.
Penny: Well, sickly is the new sexy.
Amy: Yeah.
Penny: Mm. You know, Amy, sometimes when you're in a relationship with someone you really care about, the sucky part is, it leaves you open to getting hurt.
Amy: Do you ever worry about Leonard doing that to you?
Penny: That's hilarious. No.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Scene: The apartment.
Bernadette: Get that guy! Get that guy! Pew! Pew! Pew! Pew!
Sheldon: Dr. Rostenkowski, it may interest you to know that saying pew, pew, pew isn't as effective as pressing your blaster key. In the same way that saying whee doesn't make the land speeder go.
Bernadette: Pew!
Leonard: Raj, Imperial Troopers on your tail.
Raj: Got him. When Gandhi advocated his philosophy of non-violence, I bet he didn't know how much fun it was killing stuff.
Leonard: All right, I think we got them all. Let's divide up the loot.
Bernadette: Ooh, look at this pretty purple robe I just got. You should put on yours and then we'll match.
Howard: But I worked hard to get this armour.
Bernadette: Sorry, I just thought it'd be nice if people knew we were a couple.
Howard: Fine, I'll change. (Whip sound)
Sheldon: Hah-hah!
Scene: Penny's apartment.
Amy: I don't think I want to play a game.
Penny: Oh, come on. They're playing one across the hall, we should, too. Okay, we are gonna take turns bouncing a quarter off the table, and if it goes into this cup, the other person has to drink. Then you get to go again...
Amy: Like that?
Penny: Wow. Yeah, b-beginner's luck. So, now I will drink this entire cup of beer, and you will go again and we can... uh... all right. So, yeah, okay, now I'm gonna drink this entire cup and then I'm going to drink another one... Okay, seriously, stop. What the hell?
Amy: Spent a lot of my childhood throwing coins into wishing wells hoping for friends. At a certain point, you start doing trick shots just to keep things interesting.
Penny: Whoa, whoa, give me a second to catch up here. Hold on. (Sound of cheering)
Amy: That'd be my boyfriend. Happier playing his dopey Star Trek game with his friends than hanging out with me.
Penny: Wars.
Amy: What?
Penny: Star Wars. They get all cranky when you mix the two up.
Amy: What's the difference?
Penny: There's absolutely no difference.
Amy: How do I get him to treat me better?
Penny: All right. Let me give you a little girlfriend 101. Usually the first move out of the gate is you withhold s*x, but that will work better after Sheldon hits puberty. So, I'd say give him the silent treatment.
Amy: No, he loves that.
Penny: Hmm.
Amy: Our record for sitting in a room together and not speaking to each other is six-and-a half hours. He said it was a magical evening.
Penny: All right, then we're gonna have to go with an oldie but goodie, making a scene.
Amy: I don't think I'd be good at that.
Penny: That's why you're lucky to have me. Back in Omaha, there are two different restaurants I'm not allowed into. Both Chili's.
Scene: The apartment.
Raj: Bernadette, remember, your character's the healer in our group. You're in charge of healing all of us, not just Howard.
Bernadette: I can't help it. My Howie Wowie has an owie.
Sheldon: That is the most sickeningly sweet thing I have ever experienced. And I am sipping Kool-Aid through a Red Vine.
Amy (bursting in): Sheldon Cooper, I've got a bone to pick with you, and I'm about to do it in front of all your friends.
Penny: Yeah, you pick that bone. You pick that bone clean!
Amy: I'm gonna publicly shame you, and then sit back as societal pressure compels you to modify your behaviour.
Penny: Ooh, burn!
Amy: And if you don't start treating me better, I'm leaving you for a miniature horse breeder named Armin.
Sheldon: Armin who?
Amy: Armin... damn it.
Penny: Sheldon, she wanted to show you off to her family, and you stood her up, okay? Look at this adorable, smushy face. Smush, smush, smush, smush.
Amy: You're hurting me.
Penny: No, Sheldon hurt you.
Amy: Before; now it's you.
Penny: Oh.
Sheldon: I think I understand. You're the one person who can say Sheldon Cooper is your boyfriend, but that rings hollow if you can't lord him over others in the flesh. I forget what I bring to the party and what I take away when I leave. Please accept these valuable Cooper Coupons as restitution.
Penny: Sheldon, she doesn't want your stupid...
Amy: Ooh, Science Center. Redeeming. Let's go.
Sheldon: Well played, Amy Farrah Fowler. Let me get my coat. (Whip sound) Oh, grow up, Leonard.
Raj: But e-excuse me, I have something to say. None of you may realize it, but I was very much looking forward to this weekend. It was gonna be like the old days, the four of us hanging out playing video games before you guys all got girlfriends. Do you have any idea what it's like to be the only one without a girlfriend? Even if I get one someday, I'll still be the guy who got a girl after Sheldon Cooper!
Penny: And that's how a girl makes a scene. I'm sorry, sweetie. You're right. You deserve your weekend. Come on, Amy, let's go.
Amy: What about the Science Center?
Penny: I'll let you hold my hair while I throw up.
Amy: Rain check.
Bernadette: I'm gonna go, too.
Howard: I'll miss you.
Bernadette: I'll miss you.
Howard: I'll miss you more.
Bernadette: No, I'll...
Raj: Just leave! Okay, now. This is the way it's supposed to be. Men together, fighting the forces of evil.
All: Hear! Hear!
Raj: I can't believe this is only 64 calories.
Scene: Some time later. The guys are asleep.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Howard Joel Wolowitz! I've been worried sick for two days, and I know you turned off your phone! You open up this door right now because I've had it up to here! I have been to the morgue and the hospital, and I spent the last half hour walking up these ferkakta stairs!
Howard: That's my ride, got to go. (Whip sound) | Plan: A: the entire weekend; Q: How long does Raj want to spend with the guys playing Star Wars? A: a gaming marathon; Q: What does Raj suggest they do for the weekend? A: the new Star Wars online game; Q: What game does Raj want to play with the guys? A: Amy; Q: Who confides her feelings about Sheldon to Penny? A: her Aunt Flora's 93rd birthday party; Q: What party did Amy promise Sheldon would attend? A: her family; Q: Who did Amy promise Sheldon would meet at her Aunt Flora's birthday party? A: her mind; Q: What does Penny try to convince Amy to change? A: his laptop; Q: What does Sheldon bring to the marathon? A: his commitment; Q: What does Amy want Sheldon to honor to her? A: Howard; Q: Who brings Bernadette to the marathon? A: her boyfriend's apartment; Q: Where does Penny tell Amy to create a scene? A: a bad boyfriend; Q: What does Penny call Sheldon? A: girlfriends; Q: What did Leonard, Howard and Sheldon get that Raj yells about? A: their group; Q: Who does Raj yell at for not having a girlfriend? A: the shame; Q: What does Raj say he has to face if he gets a girlfriend? A: the apartment; Q: Where do the girls leave after Raj's rant? A: The next morning; Q: When does the marathon end? A: Howard's mother; Q: Who bangs on the door of Howard's apartment demanding an explanation for his weekend-long absence? A: the apartment door; Q: What does Howard's mother bang on to force Howard to return home? Summary: Raj suggests that he and the guys spend the entire weekend together engaging in a gaming marathon in which they would play the new Star Wars online game. However Sheldon already promised Amy that he would attend her Aunt Flora's 93rd birthday party and meet her family during the weekend and reluctantly decides not to take part in the marathon, but still tries to convince Penny to make Amy change her mind, to no avail. Sheldon eventually decides to go with Amy, but also brings his laptop so that he can play with the guys remotely. Amy gets peeved at Sheldon and tells him to return to his apartment if playing with the guys is more important than honoring his commitment to her, which he does. Later Raj gets furious at Howard when he brings Bernadette to the marathon after being forced to include her. Meanwhile, Amy, having returned from her aunt's birthday party, confides her feelings about Sheldon to Penny, who then tells her to create a scene at her boyfriend's apartment. She does this, with Penny too admonishing Sheldon for being a bad boyfriend. At this, Raj goes ballistic and yells about how different the group was before Leonard, Howard and Sheldon got girlfriends, how he is the only one in their group who does not have a girlfriend and adds that even if he gets a girlfriend, he has to face the shame of being the guy who got a girlfriend after Sheldon. The girls immediately leave the apartment and the guys get back to their marathon. The next morning, the marathon ends when Howard's mother bangs on the apartment door demanding an explanation for Howard's weekend-long absence and forcing him to return home. |
Scene: The Apartment.
Leonard: How's your mom holding up?
Howard: She's doing okay, but we just lost another nurse.
Amy: How many is that now?
Howard: Two, and I know what you're thinking, she's eating them.
Bernadette: She's just so impossible, they keep quitting.
Sheldon: So, who's watching her now?
Howard: A bowl full of M&M's with a few Ambien tossed in.
Raj: What up, guys?
All: Hello, hey!
Leonard: Okay. Well, now that everyone's here, Penny and I have some big news. We're engaged. General cheering and congratulations.
Raj: And I thought me having s*x with Emily was gonna be the big news. General cheering and congratulations.
Leonard: Hey, hey, what the hell?
Bernadette: You guys propose all the time. This never happens.
Penny: You're right! Yay! Credits sequence.
Scene: The cafeteria.
Raj: Boy, I'm so hungry today. I wonder why?
Howard: Because you had s*x the other night?
Raj: You know what? That may be it. By the way, it isn't like riding a bike. Like, I fell off a few times.
Leonard: Hey, buddy.
Sheldon: Hello.
Leonard: You okay?
Sheldon: I just got called into President Siebert's office. The university won't let me switch my field of study to inflationary cosmology. They're forcing me to continue with string theory.
Howard: Why?
Sheldon: He said it's why they hired me, it's, it's what my grant was designated for, and that everybody has to do things they don't want to do. He then gave an example of something he had to do, even though he didn't want to, which was look at my stupid face.
Leonard: That's a rude thing to say, out loud.
Sheldon: It's an outrage. Honestly, I'm tempted to leave the university.
Howard: You know, if you're really serious about that, I hear there are some exciting opportunities in home care for the old and fat.
Leonard: Whatever you do, just don't make any rash decisions.
Sheldon: I don't know. I am really aggravated.
Raj: When I'm feeling low, I have s*x with a girl. But that's just me.
Scene: Mrs Wolowitz's house.
Howard: Oh, come on, give her a chance.
Nurse: No. Life, it is too short.
Bernadette: I know you've only been here a day and a half, but you're like part of the family. I don't think the service is gonna send any more people.
Howard: Yeah, maybe it's time we just release Ma back into the sea.
Bernadette: That's not helpful.
Howard: Well, then, we may need to get used to the idea that we're gonna be living here the next few months.
Bernadette: But we have jobs. We can't baby-sit her 24 hours a day.
Howard: Well, what if we use our vacation time?
Bernadette: I wanted to go to Hawaii, not hell.
Howard: I don't know what else we can do.
Bernadette: Howie, I love you, and as your wife, your mother is every bit as much my problem as she is yours, so, I want a divorce.
Scene: The apartment.
Mrs Hofstadter (on webcam): Hello, Leonard.
Leonard: Hi, Mom. I have some exciting news.
Mrs Hofstadter: I'm listening.
Leonard: Before I tell you, will you promise to try and be happy for me and keep any concerns you have to yourself?
Mrs Hofstadter: No. Let me save you all of your hemming and hawing. Sheldon already told me that you and Penny are engaged.
Leonard: I hate that you talk to him more than you talk to me.
Mrs Hofstadter: Would you like for you and me to talk more?
Leonard: You know what? It's probably fine.
Mrs Hofstadter: In any event, while I've had my misgivings about Penny, Sheldon spoke very fondly of her, and if she is good enough for him, then she's good enough for me.
Leonard: I'm your son. What about the fact that she's good enough for me?
Mrs Hofstadter: Sure.
Leonard: Thanks, Mom.
Mrs Hofstadter: Leonard, would it make you feel better to hear that your mother approved of your life choices?
Leonard: Yes, it would.
Mrs Hofstadter: Yeah. Well, you should work on that.
Scene: Penny's apartment.
Penny (on phone): No, Mom, it's the same guy I've been going out with for the past two years. Yeah, the scientist. Well, it's complicated. I mean, he works with lasers and atomic magnets. No, I did not see it coming. No, we did not set a date. No, I am not pregnant. Yeah, this is a first for our family. All right, tell Dad I love him. I gotta go. All right, bye.
Amy: Atomic magnets?
Penny: Shut up.
Bernadette: Sorry I'm late. The leaf blower broke, so I had to hand-dry my mother-in-law.
Penny: You want some wine?
Bernadette: Thanks. Little warning before you jump into this marriage business. You're not just marrying him, you're marrying his family.
Penny: I think Leonard's mom's okay with me.
Bernadette: It doesn't matter if she's okay with you. The question is, can she go to the bathroom by herself? Hit me again.
Amy: So, what are the living arrangements gonna be?
Penny: Well, haven't really talked about it yet, but I figure at some point, I'll move in with him, or he'll move in with me.
Amy: Well, with you not working, that makes financial sense.
Bernadette: You're not working. How would you like a job in home health care?
Penny: Not a chance.
Bernadette: Please. I'm desperate.
Penny: No.
Bernadette: I'll pay you anything you want.
Penny: Okay, then, yeah.
Scene: Mrs Wolowitz's house.
Penny: No, keep your money.
Bernadette: I could've ridden a bull longer than that.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: What you working on?
Sheldon: I'm writing an appeal to the Faculty Senate, so that I can move on from string theory.
Leonard: Oh. How's it going?
Sheldon: You tell me. Dear Esteemed Colleagues, as you may know, I have requested to change my field of study. My decision to do so is, I believe, in the best interest of science. At your convenience, I'd be happy to explain it to you in words you'll understand.
Leonard: It's nice that you called them esteemed.
Sheldon: You're right. I'll take that out.
Leonard: So, listen, there was something I was hoping to float past you.
Sheldon: Mm.
Leonard: Now that Penny and I are engaged, I thought we might want to talk about our living arrangements.
Sheldon: Of course. She's spent many nights here, and you're worried about preserving the myth of her virginity before the wedding.
Leonard: I'm not.
Sheldon: Good, because not only has that ship sailed, if it hit an iceberg, countless men would perish.
Leonard: Actually, this is about where she and I are going to live.
Sheldon: What do you mean?
Leonard: Well, well, we might want to live together.
Sheldon: Oh, yeah, well, I've already given this some thought, and I'm willing to let Penny live with us one day a week for a trial period. Now, obviously, not when she's made cranky by the shedding of her uterine lining.
Leonard: That's very sweet. But we were thinking more of us maybe living together with... not you.
Sheldon: I don't understand. How could we all live together if I'm not there?
Leonard: Look, I, I know this is, this is change, and that sounds scary.
Sheldon: Where are you going to go?
Leonard: I don't know. We just started to think about this. Maybe I'll move in with Penny, or maybe she and I'll take this place, and you can move across the hall.
Sheldon: Move across the hall? Did you take a marijuana?
Leonard: No, I did not.
Sheldon: Did you get hit on the head with a coconut?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: Well, then, I'm all out of guesses. What? Me move across the hall. Why would you even suggest such a thing?
Leonard: Because I love Penny, and want to give her the life she deserves.
Sheldon: I see. You're putting your future bride's happiness above mine.
Leonard: Well, yeah.
Sheldon: Wow.
Scene: Amy's apartment.
Sheldon: How dare the university force me to go back to string theory?
Amy: They just don't appreciate you.
Sheldon: Yeah, and on top of that, Leonard has the audacity to suggest that now that he and Penny are engaged, he may not want to live with me any more.
Amy: Here, I made you some Strawberry Quik.
Sheldon: I have real problems here, Amy. I can't be mollified with a beverage designed for children. Mmm, yummy.
Amy: You know, this might work out for the best. I mean, you're always complaining about what a terrible roommate Leonard is. Like how he turns up the thermostat when you're not there.
Sheldon: Ugh, it's like walking into the Amazon. And not the good Amazon with one-day shipping. The awful one with birds and snakes.
Amy: You hate the sound of all those keys on his key chain.
Sheldon: Four keys! Who does he think he is, a warden?
Amy: See? Maybe you'll love living alone.
Sheldon: I don't know. Perhaps.
Amy: And if it turns out you don't, you and I could live together.
Sheldon: You and... oh, sure, and while we're at it, why don't we get engaged, too? Why don't we get a little house, start a family? Enjoy our sunset years together? Do you hear yourself, woman?
Amy: Sheldon, it was just a thought.
Sheldon: No. Here's a thought. You're not moving in, Leonard's not moving out, everything stays exactly the way it is. And by the way, I saw you make this Strawberry Quik with syrup, you're supposed to use the powder.
Amy: It tastes the same.
Sheldon: No. The syrup tastes better and I don't like it.
Scene: The apartment.
Penny: This is so sweet. You never cook for me.
Leonard: Well, you cook for me all the time and, ugh.
Penny: If you don't like my cooking, why haven't you ever said anything?
Leonard: It's hard to talk with so much heavy chewing to do.
Penny: Sorry. I'll get better.
Leonard: I know you'll try. So, should we talk about setting a date?
Penny: Well, I'd like to pick one that works with my brother's schedule.
Leonard: Okay. And when would that be?
Penny: Uh, 12 to 18 months from now, depending on good behaviour.
Amy: Hi, is Sheldon here?
Leonard: No, I thought he was with you.
Amy: He was, but he stormed off and now he isn't answering his phone.
Leonard: What happened?
Amy: He was really angry that you suggested he move out.
Leonard: Oh.
Amy: I also mentioned that he and I could live together but he was too mad at you to realize what a great idea that is.
Leonard: Well, he's been having a couple of tough days. I'm sure he's fine. He probably just needs a little alone time to decompress.
Amy: You're probably right. So, what are you guys doing?
Penny: Well, Leonard cooked for me and now we're just having a nice dinner, you know, as a newly engaged couple.
Amy: That's nice.
Leonard: Anyway, as I was saying, Sheldon probably just needs a little alone time. 'Cause that's important. Not just for him, but for most anybody, really.
Amy: Don't I know it. What is that, polenta?
Penny: Amy, get out.
Amy: Right.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Scene: The comic book store.
Sheldon: No.
Stuart: Hey, Sheldon.
Sheldon: What happened?
Stuart: I was cooking in the back room last night and the hot plate caught on fire.
Sheldon: And you couldn't put it out?
Stuart: I was across the street at the do-it-yourself car wash, taking a shower.
Sheldon: So when will you reopen?
Stuart: Um, I don't know. I'm waiting to hear back from the insurance company.
Sheldon: So, tomorrow?
Stuart: I don't mean to be rude, Sheldon, but, uh, my life is kind of falling apart right now.
Sheldon: Your life? The university is making me do string theory and my girlfriend loves me so much she wants to live with me. And now, the place I need to go when I'm sad is damp and smells funny.
Stuart: Well, sorry I let you down.
Sheldon: No. I do not accept this. Everything is changing and I hate it. It stops now. I'm helping you get back on your feet. I would like to purchase this comic book, please.
Stuart: That'll be $2.99.
Sheldon: Really? It's soaking wet.
Stuart: Fine, a dollar.
Sheldon: Can you break a twenty?
Stuart: No, I only have hundreds.
Sheldon: You know what? I don't always recognize sarcasm, but I do right now, and I don't appreciate it. I'm sorry for your loss. But you're not the only one whose day has been a disaster.
Stuart: (Light falls on ground just where he was standing a moment before) That could have killed me. I can't catch a break.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: I haven't heard from Sheldon in a while. You think he's okay?
Penny: Oh, I'm sure he's fine.
Leonard: I'm gonna see where he is.
Penny: How?
Leonard: Oh, I know his password, so I can track his phone.
Penny: You do that?
Leonard: Not always, but ever since he wandered off at the swap meet chasing a balloon, I get worried.
Penny: He can take care of himself. Look, we went over stranger danger and gave him that whistle.
Leonard: That's weird.
Penny: What?
Leonard: He's at the train station.
Penny: So? He loves trains.
Leonard: It's dark out and he's alone, I don't like it. Let's go get him.
Penny: It's sweet how you look out for him. You're a good guy.
Leonard: It's not just that. My mother would kill me if I let something happen to him.
Scene: The comic book store.
Raj: Dude, I'm so sorry.
Howard: Don't take this the wrong way, but did you do this for the insurance money?
Stuart: No. God, you sound like the police, the firemen, my parents, my therapist and the insurance company.
Raj: We're here for you, man. Whatever you need, okay?
Stuart: Uh, actually, I was wondering if I could crash at your place for a few nights.
Raj: Sure, of course. Oh, actually, Emily was gonna spend the night.
Stuart: You slept with her? Nice.
Raj: Well, I can't take all the credit. She let me do it to her, but, uh, but I can always call her and cancel.
Howard: Hang on. I know a place you can stay and earn some money at the same time.
Stuart: Great.
Howard: I just have to warn you, it'll involve humiliation, degradation and verbal abuse.
Stuart: So what's the catch?
Scene: The train station.
Leonard: Sheldon.
Sheldon: You tracked my phone?
Leonard: Yeah.
Sheldon: Boy, you chase one balloon for three miles.
Penny: We were worried about you.
Sheldon: Don't be melodramatic. I'm just getting on a train and leaving forever.
Leonard: Seriously? You don't even have a change of clothes or a toothbrush.
Sheldon: My plan is to stop at malls and buy what I need. It's called living off the land.
Leonard: Okay, I know you're upset and there's a lot of stuff going on, but it's nothing we can't work out. Come on, let's get you home.
Sheldon: No. I've reached my breaking point. I need to leave. Now.
Penny: And go where?
Sheldon: It doesn't matter.
Leonard: So a few things don't go your way and your best decision is to ride the rails like a hobo?
Sheldon: I suppose it is. Except I have a credit card. And I refuse to carry my laptop at the end of a stick. And I'd sooner die than eat beans out of a can.
Leonard: Come on, come home with us and tomorrow I'll, I'll take you to Legoland.
Sheldon: Legoland is not the solution to everything. And it's too much of a scene since that movie came out.
Leonard: Then what can I do?
Sheldon: Leonard, I am overwhelmed. Everything is changing and it's simply too much. I need to get away and think.
Leonard: Oh, come on, you know you're overreacting.
Penny: Leonard, hang on. Just come here. Maybe we need to let him go.
Leonard: What? Why?
Penny: It might be good for him.
Leonard: You know he can't take a trip like this by himself.
Penny: He's a grown man.
Leonard: No, he looks like a grown man. You've seen Freaky Friday, sometimes little kids end up in big person bodies.
Penny: Leonard, we can't protect him forever.
Leonard: I know, but...
Penny: He'll be okay. You taught him well, Padawan.
Sheldon: Good Lord. Padawan's the student, not the teacher.
Penny: Seriously, let him go.
Leonard: Sheldon, if you really need to do this, I'm not gonna stand in your way.
Sheldon: I do.
Leonard: Okay. Good luck.
Penny: Be safe and call us.
Sheldon: I will.
Leonard: Bye, buddy. Sheldon?
Sheldon: Yes?
Leonard: I'm gonna miss you.
Sheldon: Of course you are.
Leonard: He just made that easier.
Penny: Mm.
Scene: Mrs Wolowitz's house.
Stuart: Hey. What are you guys still doing here? I got this, go. Go home.
Howard: You sure?
Stuart: Yeah, she's fed, she took her pills, she's all tucked in and watching TV.
Bernadette: So, she's not too much for you?
Stuart: Are you kidding? I love her, she's great.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Stewie, you gonna watch Wheel of Fortune with me?
Stuart: Coming, Debbie.
Howard: You call her Debbie?
Stuart: She insisted. So, hey, guys, thank you so much. This job is a dream come true.
Howard: Was that a little weird?
Bernadette: Yeah. I don't know why, but something about it feels unnatural.
Howard: Okay, let's go.
Bernadette: Yep.
Scene: The apartment.
Amy (on phone): Okay, Sheldon, thanks for checking in. Talk to you tomorrow? Oh, okay, bye.
Leonard: He's okay?
Amy: Actually sounds like he's doing pretty well.
Penny: I really think this is gonna be for the best.
Leonard: Me, too. And he was able to take a sabbatical from...
Amy: How could you let him go? | Plan: A: the group; Q: Who does Leonard and Penny tell about their engagement? A: a bigger deal; Q: What do Raj and Emily's sex make? A: Leonard's mother; Q: Who is unmoved by Leonard and Penny's engagement? A: Sheldon; Q: Who is upset that Leonard and Penny do not want to live with him when they are married? A: research fields; Q: What does Sheldon want to change but the university won't let him? A: his last nerve breaks; Q: What happens to Sheldon when he discovers Stuart's comic book store is destroyed by fire? A: the train station; Q: Where does Leonard track Sheldon down? A: a distraught; Q: What emotion does Amy have when Leonard tells her he is all right? A: a pillow; Q: What does Amy use to attack Leonard? A: Howard's mother; Q: Who drives away all nurses hired to look after her? A: Howard; Q: Who offers Stuart a job? A: a home; Q: What does Howard offer Stuart in addition to money? A: his feet; Q: What does Stuart need to get back on after losing his comic book store? Summary: Leonard and Penny tell the group they are engaged; all are happy, but make a bigger deal of Raj and Emily having had sex. Leonard's mother is unmoved by his engagement, but accepts Penny because Sheldon is very fond of her. Sheldon is angered the university will not let him change research fields and considers quitting. He is further upset that Leonard and Penny do not want to live with him when married. He is disturbed at Amy's suggestion they could live together, and his last nerve breaks on discovering Stuart's comic book store was destroyed by a fire. Sheldon decides to leave town to figure out what he wants. Leonard tracks him down at the train station and convince him to come home with them but Penny says they should let him go. Sheldon calls Amy to say he is all right, after which a distraught Amy attacks Leonard with a pillow for letting him go. Howard's mother drives away all nurses hired to look after her, even Penny. Howard offers Stuart the job, giving him money and a home while he gets back on his feet after losing his store. He loves the job, becoming surprisingly close to Howard's mother. |
Kilgharrah : In a land of myth and a time of magic, the destiny of a great kingdom rests on the shoulders of a young boy. His name: Merlin.
EXT - NEAR CAMELOT -DAY
A old woman is sitting in a cart. She is riding towards Camelot, singing. She reaches the doors of Camelot et she comes in a house.
INT - OLD WOMAN'S HOUSE - LOWER TOWN OF CAMELOT - DAY
The old woman settles and take a box off from a bag. She opens it et holds her hands in front of the box.
The old woman: Gebeode ic pone feorhberendne paere ealdan ae. A strange creature gets out of it and begins to grumble, before to jump on her knees.
The old woman: Calm yourself, my pretty. We're home now. The creature begins to grin.
***GENERIQUE***
INT - COUNCIL CHAMBER OF DOOM - CASTLE OF CAMELOT - DAY
Uther was sitting with his son to his right, peeling reports. Gaius and Merlin make face to them.
Uther: Gaius, there have been disturbing rumours from outlying villages.
Gaius: Sire?
Uther: Someone, some kind of physician is offering treatments. I fear magic may have been used.
Gaius: What is it that makes you suspicious?
Uther: There are reports of miracle cures. A boy thrown from a horse, a farmhand mauled by a boar. All hopeless cases it seems, and yet each and every one has made a full recovery. Uther writes some words, speaking.
Gaius: It's very hard for me to comment, Sire. I'd have to examine the patients myself.
Uther: That won't be necessary, as a new case has arisen here in Camelot.
Gaius: Who?
Arthur: The in nkeeper. He's returned to work.
Gaius: That's not possible. The condition was critical, I saw him only days ago.
Uther: So you agree that magic must be involved.
Gaius: Well, I couldn't say for sure.
Uther: Then go to the tavern and find out. If sorcery is at work here, we must act quickly.
Gaius: Yes, Sire. I'll see to it right away. They bow, et they go out, getting Uther and Arthur working.
EXT - STREET IN LOWER TOWN - CAMELOT - DAY
Gaius and Merlin walk, talking.
Merlin: It's unbelievable. Uther has no problem turning to magic if his family are threatened.
Gaius: Keep your voice down, Merlin.
Merlin: Oh, he is such a hypocrite.
Gaius: He's also the King. So, if you value your head, use it. Gaius enters in the tavern in front of him.
INT - TAVERN IN LOWER TOWN - CAMELOT - DAY
Gaius observes a Sorcerer's Chimes in entering, followed by Merlin stopping also in froth of the totem.
Evoric: Welcome. Gaius. What a pleasant surprise.
Gaius: Evoric.
Evoric: What can I get you?
Gaius: Nothing. I just dropped in to see how you're doing.
Evoric: Much improved, as you can see.
Gaius: Indeed. Remarkable recovery.
Evoric: All thanks to you, Gaius.
Gaius: Haha. I think not. Evoric, I am, of course, delighted that you're well again, but I must ask you, from whom did you obtain your remedy?
Evoric: Don't know what you're talking about.
Gaius: Now, you mustn't be afraid. I'm not the King, after all.
Evoric: My wife, she was desperate. I was slipping away.
Gaius: Go on.
Evoric: She met a woman, a healer, in the lower town and she gave her a cure.
Gaius: Well, can I see it? The innkeeper nodes and goes search the cure. The old doctor take it et examine it.
IGaius: Interesting.
Evoric: Am I in some kind of trouble?
Gaius: No, not at all. You've been most helpful. Gaius and Merlin go out.
INT - COUNCIL CHAMBER OF DOOM - CASTLE OF CAMELOT - DAY
Gaius and Merlin stand in the middle of the room as Uther is walking back them.
Uther: What was the nature of this treatment?
Gaius: Hogwart and fenugreek. Uther comes back, surprised.
Uther: Excuse me?
Gaius: Herbs, Sire. Whoever prescribed them was highly skilled. Their grasp of the five principles of herbal conjoinment was...
Uther: What about the boy and the labourer? Surely they were beyond the help of such remedies?
Gaius: Not necessarily, Sire. A physician's art can achieve great things.
Uther: But not miracles. The innkeeper was fatally ill, you said so yourself.
Gaius: Yes, that was indeed my diagnosis. But my knowledge isn't perfect. There are many branches of my craft are yet mysteries to me. I could not heal the innkeeper. Someone else could.
Uther: Are you absolutely satisfied that no magic was involved?
Gaius: Entirely, Sire.
Uther: Thank you, Gaius. You've set my mind at rest.
Gaius: My Lord. Gaius and Merlin bow and they go out.
INT - PHYSICIAN'S CHAMBERS - CASTLE OF CAMELOT - DAY
Gaius and Merlin are at the table and they begin to eat.
Merlin: I think it's great, what you did, protecting the innkeeper like that.
Gaius: What do you mean?
Merlin: He was a sick man. It was a matter of life and death. Magic was his only hope.
Gaius: But he didn't use magic.
Merlin: The potion was enchanted, I saw it with my own eyes. We both did.
Gaius: What you saw, Merlin, was a release of gaseous pressure. Entirely normal in a preparation of that kind.
Merlin: But what about the totem?
Gaius: What totem?
Merlin: The totem in the innkeeper's doorway bore the marks of the Old Religion.
Gaius: Nonsense. You're obviously tired, Merlin. I recommend you get some sleep. Gaius takes the uneaten ham away
Merlin : Well, can...
INT - MERLIN'S ROOM - CASTLE OF CAMELOT - NIGHT
Merlin wakes up because he hears Gaius leaving, he follows Gaius in the lower town. He stopes et he hides himself when he sees Gaius kicks at the door. The door opens and the old woman appears.
The old woman : Gaius?
Gaius: Alice.
Alice: Oh. Merlin spies them as they hug. Guards come. They go inside her house and Merlin goes back to the castle.
INT- ALICE'S HOUSE - LOWER TOWN OF CAMELOT - NIGHT
Alice: How did you know I was in Camelot?
Gaius: I recognised your work. Your healing magic was always equal to none.
Alice: Oh, Gaius, you've lost none of your charm.
Gaius: And you've lost none of your skill. You saved the innkeeper's life.
Alice: I did what I could, as I know you did.
Gaius: But my humble potion was not enough, it seems.
Alice: Look at you, always so solemn, so serious.
Gaius: And you always teasing me.
Alice: I missed you.
Gaius: And I you.
Alice: Twenty years and here we are back in Camelot together again. It almost seems as though nothing has changed.
Gaius: And some things never will.
Alice: Uther.
Gaius: It's not safe for you here. He suspects that magic is at work in Camelot.
Alice: But he doesn't know for sure.
Gaius: Not yet. But if you stay, he will find you.
Alice: But Gaius, healing is my only gift. It is my living. I must buy food, I must pay rent.
Gaius: But why here? The dangers are too great.
Alice: Because I wanted to see you again.
They embrace.
Gaius: Dawn is almost upon us. I must get back.
Alice: You will come back tomorrow? Please?
Gaius: Of course. Gaius leaves. The creature appears.
The creature : You have done well. The physician is vital to our plan.
Alice: Please, must we use him this way?
The creature : I've told you before, Uther trusts him. He alone can get us close enough to the King.
Alice: But he will be blamed for everything that happens. The creature :And you will not. How perfect.
Alice : But his punishment will be terrible. The creature turns her eyes black.
The creature : You must put aside your feelings and do what needs to be done.
Alice: Yes.
INT - GAIUS'S CHAMBERS - CASTLE OF CAMELOT - NIGHT
Gaius opens a note that Alice gave him long ago with a lock of her hair. For my beloved Gaius, You make me so happy. Words cannot describe how much I care for you. The times we have spent together recently have meant so much to me. I am so happy we are engaged. I so look forward to marrying you, Gaius.
INT- GAIUS'S CHAMBERS - CASTLE OF CAMELOT - DAY
In the morning, Merlin observes the old physician makes a preparation.
Merlin: Did you go out last night?
Gaius: Yes. I had to get some herbs.
Merlin: Herbs?
Gaius: A...a new supplier just arrived.
Merlin: Right. (pause) Do your suppliers normally kiss you?
Gaius: You followed me. How dare you?
Merlin: Gaius, it was the middle of the night, I was worried. I thought you might be in some sort of trouble.
Gaius: There's nothing wrong.
Merlin: What's her name?
Gaius: Alice. She's an old friend. Well, more than a friend, if truth be told.
Merlin: What do you mean?
Gaius: We were once engaged to be married.
Merlin: When was this?
Gaius: More years ago than I care to remember. I had just been made physician to the King when I met her. It was like finding a kindred spirit, we had so much in common. Our love of science, or healing, and of magic.
Merlin: Magic?
Gaius: I was just a novice, but Alice's power and ability was uncanny. She had the gift. Soon she had mastered every aspect of sorcery, healing above all. It was wonderful to behold, Merlin. She saved a great many lives.
Merlin: It was Alice that cured the innkeeper.
Gaius: Indeed. There was a time when her skills were famous in Camelot.
Merlin: So what happened?
Gaius: Uther declared war on magic. Overnight her world was turned upside-down.
Merlin: The Great Purge.
Gaius: Uther drew up a list of everyone suspected of using magic. One by one, they were hunted down and executed. As a close friend of the King, I was permitted to see this list. Alice's name was on it.
Merlin: What did you do?
Gaius: The only thing I could do. I struck her name off.
Merlin: Gaius, if you'd been caught...
Gaius: I know, but it bought her time. Just enough to get out of Camelot, to escape.
Merlin: But you...you stayed behind.
Gaius: I was scared. I felt I had no choice. I thought I'd never see her again. But now here she is, after all these years. I feel we've been given a second chance. Merlin smiles.
INT - ALICE'S ROOM - LOWER TOWN OF CAMELOT - DAY
Gaius gives Alice a hunk of meat on a platter.
Alice: You have a kind heart. You always did.
Gaius: It's the least I could do.
Alice: Will you stay? Please say you will.
Gaius: You're my only appointment for this morning. I made sure of that.
Alice: You recognise them? She is sitting down.
Gaius: Of course. It's a totem of healing.
Alice: Oh, come, Gaius. Is that the best you can do? Have you forgotten all that we learned together? Gaius sits also to examine it.
Gaius: Let us see. It's a Sorcerer's Chime to give it its proper name. Each crystal bears an elemental sign of the Old Religion. When enchanted, the crystals resonate, their music giving succour to the ailing and the sick.
Alice: You've forgotten nothing.
Gaius: I remember everything. All that we saw, all that we did, each and every day we spent together. I remember the day you left.
Alice: Let's not dwell on that. We found each other again. Isn't that all that matters?
EXT - TOURNAMENT GROUND OF CAMELOT - DAY
Arthur is mounted with a lance, Merlin's holding a small hoop above his head. Arthur charges and catches the hoop with the lance.
EXT - TRAINING YARD OF CAMELOT - DAY
Merlin crouches behind a shield while Arthur pounds it with a mace.
Arthur: Come on, Merlin! Put your back into it!
Merlin: Sorry, Sire. I'm just a bit... Arthur hits shield again
Arthur: Pathetic. You're pretending to be a battle hardened warrior, not a...daffodil.
Merlin: Sorry, Sire. Just a bit tired, that's all.
Arthur: Fair enough. Merlin stands up while Arthur fetches a large mallet.
Arthur: Maybe this'll perk you up!
INT - PHYSICIAN'S CHAMBERS - CASTLE OF CAMELOT - DAY
Merlin comes back et opens the door.
Gaius: Ah, Merlin, I'd like you to meet Alice.
Alice: Merlin, it's a pleasure to meet you. Gaius speaks very highly of you.
Merlin: You too.
Gaius: Alice will be staying with us for a while.
Merlin: Great.
Alice: That's alright with you?
Merlin: Of course. I'll make up the spare bed.
Gaius: So you won't mind if she uses your room?
Merlin: Be my guest.
INT - PHYSICIAN'S CHAMBERS - CASTLE OF CAMELOT - NIGHT
Merlin is trying to sleep on the floor.
Merlin: Ow. He hears Alice talking in his room. He approaches et listens through the door.
Alice: ___ That is his name, isn't it? It's ___
The creature: So he does not suspect?
Alice: No, nothing.
The creature: Then you must work hard to keep it that way.
Alice: Yes. Yes. Merlin sees the creature and he is very surprised.
The creature: You are doing well. Take some of my venom. Do not fail me. Be careful not to hurt yourself. That's it. The creature grumbles, turning the head like as it noted the presence of the warlock. Merlin goes away the door, scared.
EXT - STREET IN LOWER TOWN - CAMELOT - DAY
Merlin and Gaius walking in the town.
Merlin: When you first knew Alice, what kinds of magic did she practice?
Gaius: All kinds. It was a time of experimentation, learning.
Merlin: Right. What about dark magic?
Gaius: I dares ay. But those days are long gone.
Merlin: What if they aren't? Last night there was some kind of creature in your room.
Gaius: Creature?
Merlin: I've never seen anything like it. It had the body of a lion and the tail of a scorpion.
Gaius: Oh, come on, Merlin. You must've been dreaming.
Merlin: No, I saw it with my own eyes and I could feel its power. It was magic like nothing I've ever felt before.
Gaius: What utter nonsense.
Merlin: If you don't believe me, Gaius, I can prove it. Come on.
INT - PHYSICIAN'S CHAMBERS - CASTLE OF CAMELOT - DAY
Merlin pulls out the box from under the bed in the physician's chambers.
Merlin: This is it.
Gaius: Merlin, put that back. This has gone far enough.
Merlin: Oh, it's in there. I know it is.
Gaius: Ridiculous. Gaius goes to open it.
Merlin: Gaius, no! The box is empty.
Gaius: I hope you're satisfied, Merlin.
INT - LIBRARY OF CAMELOT - DAY
Merlin passes Geoffrey of Monmouth sitting.
Merlin: Morning. He searches a book and begins to read
INT - PHYSICIAN'S CHAMBERS - CASTLE OF CAMELOT - DAY
Gaius makes potion with Alice's help.
Gaius: Hemlock. Nightshade. Bo... Alice already has it ready for him.
Alice: (laugh) Oh, Gaius. It's just like old times.
Gaius: We always made a good team, did we not?
Alice: Yeah.
Gaius: I wish Merlin had your skills. I fear he finds the physician's craft boring.
Alice: Well, never mind, you've got me to help you now, haven't you?
Gaius: Indeed, I have. Now where's the valerian? She goes until a other table to take it.
Alice: Valerian? For an injury, I presume?
Gaius: Perfectly correct. I prescribe it to Uther for an old battle wound.
Alice: He takes it daily? She comes back and gives it to him.
Gaius: Of course.
INT - LIBRARY OF CAMELOT - DAY
Merlin flips through books.
Geoffrey of Monmouth : (snorts) Can I help you?
Merlin: No. Yes. I wonder, do you know anything about this creature?
Geoffrey of Monmouth : Ah, now that is the manticore.
Merlin: A manticore?
Geoffrey of Monmouth : Nasty looking beast, isn't it.
Merlin: Yeah, you can say that again.
Geoffrey of Monmouth : I believe it was first referred to almost a thousand years ago. The Ancients lived in fear of it, trembled at its very name.
Merlin: I've never even heard of it.
Geoffrey of Monmouth : I'm not surprised. 'Cause as far as I'm aware, the manticore is a legend, figment of the imagination.
Merlin: Are you sure?
Geoffrey of Monmouth : Oh, yes. So, erm..if you were hoping to see one, I'm afraid you're going to be disappointed.
INT - PHYSICIAN'S CHAMBERS - CASTLE OF CAMELOT - DAY
Gaius hold a vial et shake it, as Alice observes him, interested.
Gaius: Now it's ready to go to the King.
Alice: Fascinating. Gaius, you said you had a rare form of mountain balm. I should like to compare it with my own, if I may. Gaius gives her the vial, and he reaches to his shelves.
Gaius: Certainly. Now, where did I put it?
Alice: Perhaps with the second order palliatives? Alice goes to pour the venom, but Merlin enters and she drops both bottles.
Gaius: Of course.
Alice: I'm so sorry, Gaius. She begins to clean it.
Gaius: Don't worry. Merlin will clear it up, won't you, Merlin?
Alice: No, no! I can do it.
EXT - COURTYARD OF CAMELOT - NIGHT
Guards pass, as Merlin is hidden. Once far away, he runs.
INT - LIBRARY OF CAMELOT - NIGHT
Merlin sneaks to the library at night where Geoffrey is asleep on a stack of books. Merlin hits something and the librarian wakes.
Geoffrey of Monmouth : What's that? Who's there? Merlin floats the objects on Geoffrey's desk.
Merlin (whisper): No one. You're dreaming. Now go back to sleep. Geoffrey nods, puts his head back down to his desk and snores. Merlin rolls his eyes and goes to sit with a bunch of books, finding Alice's box on one of the pages.
INT - CORRIDOR OF CAMELOT'S CASTLE - DAY
Gaius is walling, a basket of herbs in the hand when Merlin arrives.
Merlin: Gaius, I need to talk to you about Alice.
Gaius: Merlin, this must stop.
Merlin: There's a reason the box was empty. It isn't a container, it's a portal, a gateway for the manticore.
Gaius: This must stop now.
Merlin: No, Alice is up to something, and whatever it is, it isn't good.
Gaius: You're wrong, Merlin. Alice is the kindest and most compassionate person I've ever known.
Merlin: No. You're wrong, you're just blinded by your feelings for her.
Gaius: I can see perfectly well, Merlin. And what I can see is that you cannot bear for me to be happy. I cannot begin to guess why that should be, but it saddens me. More than I can say. He quits Merlin, disappointed.
INT - PHYSICIAN'S CHAMBERS - CASTLE OF CAMELOT - DAY
Alice: Gaius, there you are. I was beginning to wonder where you'd got to. What's wrong?
Gaius: It's nothing. A disagreement with Merlin, that's all.
Alice: Was it about me? You mustn't worry. He's probably a bit jealous, that's all.
Gaius: Jealous?
Alice: Well, it's only to be expected. The poor lad's had you all to himself. He's bound to be a bit hostile for a while.
Gaius: Very hostile, if truth be told.
Alice: Oh, he'll soon get used to having me around.
Gaius: I'm sure you're right.
Alice: Listen, why don't you sit yourself down for a while and take a break.
Gaius: I must prepare Uther's medicine.
Alice: Well, I can take care of that. You showed me how, remember?
Gaius: Thank you.
She takes the basket and put it on the table letting, Gaius sitting.
EXT - TRAINING YARD OF CAMELOT - DAY
Merlin running with a target on his back.
Arthur: Run! Arthur hits the target with a polearm, knocking Merlin down.
Arthur: You're meant to bob, Merlin, weave. You might as well be a barn door. Arthur removes the polearm and helps Merlin up.
Merlin: Yes, Sire.
Arthur: For goodness sake, what is your problem?
Merlin: Nothing.
Arthur: Right. Well, either you tell me, or we go back to the lance and hoops.
Merlin: Gaius and me, we...had a bit of a falling out.
Arthur: Look, I row with my father all the time. You should do what I do, just lie low and wait till he comes to his senses. It'll soon blow over.
Merlin: No, I don't think so, somehow.
Arthur: Oh, cheer up, will you? Punches Merlin in the arm.
Merlin: How is punching me in the arm meant to cheer me up? Arthur looks confused.
Arthur: It works with the knights.
Merlin: Well, they're thick, aren't they?
Arthur: I'm a knight.
Merlin: There you go, then. Arthur punches him again.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT - PHYSICIAN'S CHAMBERS - CASTLE OF CAMELOT - DAY
Gaius reading in his chambers. Alice brewing Uther's medicine.
Gaius: You gave me this book, do you remember?
Alice: It was on your birthday, wasn't it?
Gaius: Or was it when I was made court physician? Alice adds manticore venom to the potion.
Alice: Have a look inside. I'm sure there's an inscription.
Gaius: You're quite right, of course. My 50th birthday.
Alice: Here we are. All done. She hands him the potion.
Gaius: Wonderful. Thank you.
Alice: Hurry now. You wouldn't want to keep your King waiting. He goes away before taking a bag.
Gaius: Really, Alice, I can't imagine how I survived without you.
INT - UTHER'S CHAMBERS - CASTLE OF CAMELOT - DAY
Uther: Ah, Gaius, you have my medicine.
Gaius: I do, Sire.
Uther: To my very good health.
Uther drinks it.
INT - PHYSICIAN'S CHAMBERS - CASTLE OF CAMELOT - NIGHT
Gaius and Alice are eating in the physician's chambers.
EXT - COURTYARD OF CAMELOT - NIGHT
Merlin sits on some courtyard steps. warning bell sounds.
INT - PHYSICIAN'S CHAMBERS - CASTLE OF CAMELOT - NIGHT
They turn their head when the bells sounds.
INT - UTHER'S CHAMBERS - CASTLE OF CAMELOT - NIGHT
Uther's on the floor in his chambers, Arthur tries to wake him.
Arthur: Father! Gaius enters.
Arthur: I found him this way. I...I can't rouse him.
Gaius: The King's alive, but his pulse is weak.
Arthur: What's wrong with him?
Gaius: Please, I must examine him. Seal off the King's quarters. Merlin enters. Uther gasps and his eyes shoot open, but they're completely black.
Merlin: What is that?
Gaius: Hush, Merlin. Uther closes his eyes. Gaius finds the empty bottle in the King's hand. Gaius smel it.
INT - CORRIDOR OF CAMELOT'S CASTLE - NIGHT
Merlin and Gaius exit the room and find Arthur waiting them in the corridor.
Arthur: Well?
Gaius: I am afraid I cannot yet determine the cause of your father's illness.
Arthur: Well, he's been poisoned, hasn't he?
Gaius: I cannot say at this stage.
Arthur: Just look at him, Gaius. What else could it be?
Gaius: We must not jump to hasty conclusions, Sire. Please watch over him till I return. Arthur goes into Uther's room, Gaius leaves and Merlin follows him into the Phoenix Corridor.
Merlin: I don't think we need any more information.
Gaius: Since when are you the expert in such matters?
Merlin: Oh, you don't need to be a physician to see what's happened.
Gaius: Merlin!
Merlin: Gaius, he's been poisoned, and I think we both know who did it.
Gaius: What exactly are you implying?
Merlin: It was Alice. It had to be. She's been helping you with the potions. She's had every opportunity to corrupt his medicine.
Gaius: Merlin, you have no proof of any of this.
Merlin: How else did he ingest the poison? There is no other explanation.
Gaius: Of course there is.
Merlin: Oh, come on, Gaius! I understand why you're protecting her. Really, I do. But in your heart of hearts, you must know what I'm saying is true.
Gaius: All I know is that the King is gravely ill and that you're place is by Arthur's side! Gaius goes, letting Merlin alone. Then Merlin comes back near Arthur.
INT - UTHER'S CHAMBERS - CASTLE OF CAMELOT - NIGHT
Arthur sitting by his father's bedside.
Arthur: It doesn't make any sense. His food and wine are tasted each and every meal. It's brought here under armed guard. No one can interfere with it in any way. So, it can't be his food and drink. The only other thing he's had is...Gaius's remedy.
Merlin: Arthur, I think I know what happened. I thin...I know who did this.
INT - PHYSICIAN'S CHAMBERS - CASTLE OF CAMELOT - NIGHT
Gaius enters in the room where Alice is waiting.
Alice: What's going on?
Gaius: The King has been poisoned. It appears that someone has tampered with his medicine.
Alice: But surely you don't think it was me?
Gaius: Don't lie to me, Alice. Please.
Alice: Gaius, I, I... Her eyes go black.
Gaius: Alice. Arthur enters the room with two guards.
Arthur: You're under arrest for high treason. Take her away. Guards take her away and Arthur leaves. Merlin walks in.
Merlin: I had no choice. It was either her or you, Gaius.
Gaius: It wasn't your choice to make. Gaius goes to sit down on a seat.
INT - DUNGEONS OF CAMELOT - NIGHT
Arthur: Do you admit to using magic?
Alice: Yes.
Arthur: Admit to poisoning the King?
Alice: Yes, yes, but it forced me to do it. It, it made me.
Arthur: Who forced you?
Alice: The creature. The creature.
Arthur: You're lying! There's no creature. You're just trying to save your own skin.
Alice: No, no.
Arthur: Please, my father is dying. If you have a single shred of goodness within you, you will tell me how to cure him.
Alice: I don't know.
Arthur angrily hits the cell doors.
Alice: I don't know! I'm so sorry. The manticore... Merlin sees her eyes turn black and the old woman loses her words.
INT - UTHER'S CHAMBERS - CASTLE OF CAMELOT - NIGHT
Merlin: How is he?
Gaius: He's fading. He won't last the day.
Long silence.
Merlin: Gaius...
Gaius: It's alright, Merlin. I understand. You were only trying to save me from harm. Thank you. But I don't believe Alice wanted this.
Merlin: I know she didn't. The poison is from the manticore, the creature that was in Alice's room.
INT - PHYSICIAN'S CHAMBERS - CASTLE OF CAMELOT - NIGHT
Gaius: We cannot counteract the manticore's venom. It's too deadly, by far.
Merlin: So what can we do?
Gaius: We can kill the manticore. The poison is imbued with its magic. With the manticore dead, it will lose its potency.
Merlin: How do I kill it?
Gaius: You can't. You don't have the power. It's a creature of the Old Religion. But maybe there's another way, if I can remember. Here. The manticore cannot live in this world long. It's life source is a ancient evil that exists in the spirit world.
Merlin: So if we can trap it in this world...
Gaius: Exactly. If we were to summon the creature and you kept it at bay long enough, perhaps I could break the box.
Merlin: The gateway.
Gaius: If the gateway is destroyed, then the creature's connection with its life source will be destroyed with it.
Merlin: And the manticore will die?
Gaius: I believe so.
Merlin: Gaius, the box is enchanted. It would need magic to destroy it.
Gaius: I am aware of that.
Merlin: Do you think you can? Command such magic?
Gaius: There was a time when I could. Let us hope I haven't forgotten.
They approach the box.
Gaius: Are you ready?
Merlin: What if this doesn't work?
Gaius: Then we're going to have a very angry manticore on our hands.
Merlin: Cum her, ping scinnlce. Manticore comes out and attacks Merlin.
Merlin: Gaius!
Gaius: Ado pas sawolduru, Ado pas sawolduru
Merlin: Gaius! Gaius, it's now or never!
Gaius: Ado pas sawolduru Box explodes. manticore leaps at Gaius.
Merlin: Gaius! Manticore fries.
Merlin: Not too bad for a has-been.
Gaius: Not too bad yourself.
INT - UTHER'S CHAMBERS - CASTLE OF CAMELOT - NIGHT
Uther: I am fortunate, indeed, that you found an antidote, Gaius.
Gaius: It will take time, My Lord, but you will make a full recovery.
Uther: What of the woman?
Arthur: We have her in the cells, Sire. She awaits your judgment.
Uther: She won't have to wait long. She's sentenced to death. We'll execute her in the morning.
Arthur: Yes, Father.
Arthur leaves the chambers.
Gaius: Sire, if I may.
Uther: Yes, Gaius.
Gaius: It seems this woman was in the thrall of some kind of creature. Perhaps, in the light of that, her sentence might be...
Uther: She practiced magic, Gaius. There are no circumstances under which that is acceptable. Her judgment stands. Gaius and Merlin bow and exit.
INT - DUNGEONS OF CAMELOT - NIGHT
Gaius sits with Alice in her cell.
Gaius: I'm sorry, Alice. There was nothing I could do.
Alice: Don't. I knew what my sentence would be. Uther will never change.
Gaius: No.
Alice: I hoped that I could learn from it .That, that I could harness its magic for the good, for healing, but it was too strong for me.
Gaius: At least you are rid of it now.
Alice: Yes. And it's far better to die free than to live as a slave.
Gaius: I can only hope that's true.
Alice: Gaius, before I go, I want you to know something. I never forgot you. Since we parted all those years ago, not a day has gone by when I have not thought of you.
Gaius: I fear I abandoned you, Alice.
Alice: No.
Gaius: I left you all alone.
Alice: You stayed behind to protect me. I know that. You saved my life. And there's no greater gift that I could've hoped for. And you've achieved great things here in Camelot, whereas...I...
Gaius: Alice.
Alice: I've disgraced myself. After everything I've done, you would have every right to hate me.
Gaius: Hate you? I could never hate you. I've treasured these past days. I love you, Alice. I love you, and I always will.
Alice: As I will you, Gaius. I don't...I don't want to leave you, my love. She cries in his arm.
Gaius: Don't be afraid. Please.
INT - PHYSICIAN'S CHAMBERS - CASTLE OF CAMELOT - NIGHT
Gaius is putting Sorcerer's Chimes into a box. Warning bells sound. Merlin exits his room and reaches his old friend.
Merlin: Something's happened.
Gaius: Perhaps one of the prisoners has escaped.
Merlin: How is that possible? I wonder. The dungeons are so secure.
Gaius: I really couldn't say.
Merlin: You could've gone with her.
Gaius: I could've done. But then, who'd look after you?
Merlin: Me? (laugh) I don't need looking after. I can fend for myself.
Gaius: Ah. Well, in that case, you won't be wanting any of this, then. Gaius unveils a hunk of meat.
Merlin: Well, maybe just a slice. They smile and Gaius cut a piece of meat, as Merlin are waiting, a plate in his hand. Gaius put then a very tiny piece in the plate to the poor Merlin.
***END*** | Plan: A: Alice; Q: Who is Gaius' old love? A: a physician; Q: What is Alice's profession? A: a Manticore; Q: What did Alice bring to Camelot? A: its scorpion tail; Q: Where did Alice get the poison to kill Uther? A: Merlin; Q: Who was forced to reveal Alice's participation to Arthur? A: Alice's participation; Q: What does Merlin have to reveal to Arthur when Uther is poisoned? A: Arthur; Q: Who does Merlin have to tell about Alice's involvement in Uther's death? A: magic; Q: What did Uther condemn Alice to death for using? A: its implied Gaius; Q: Who helped Alice escape? Summary: When Alice, a physician and Gaius' old love, returns to Camelot, he is smitten again. However, she brings a Manticore with a plan to kill Uther with poison from its scorpion tail. Merlin tries to tell Gaius, but he won't listen. When Uther is poisoned, Merlin is forced to reveal Alice's participation to Arthur. Merlin and Gaius destroy the Manticore, which was controlling Alice, but Uther condemns Alice to death for using magic. In the end, Alice escapes, and its implied Gaius helped her. |
The Krotons By Robert Holmes
5:15pm - 5:40pm
[SCENE_BREAK]
1, INT: CONTROL-CENTRE
(The Krotons watch impassively as Jamie convulses caught in the harsh halo of light from the thought-energy machine. The power swirls faster and faster, as if it were attempting to consume him.)
KROTON: ITS MIND IS PRIMITIVE!
KROTON-COMMANDER: THE POWER WILL KILL IT!
(The Commander turns it off the machine and Jamie slumps.)
KROTON: IT IS STILL OF VALUE, IT CAN GIVE INFORMATION ABOUT THE OTHER CREATURES.
[SCENE_BREAK]
2, EXT: WASTELANDS
ZOE: This isn't the way to the city.
DOCTOR: No, it's the way to the TARDIS.
ZOE: The TARDIS? But we can't leave Jamie behind.
DOCTOR: Well don't worry about him, he's perfectly safe isn't he? Come on!
(They walk up towards the cliffside path.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
3, INT: CONTROL-CENTRE
(Jamie rubs his head as slowly he recovers.)
JAMIE: Oh my head.
(The Krotons tower over him.)
KROTON-COMMANDER: WHERE ARE YOU FROM?
(He glances up at the two crystalline beings.)
JAMIE: Oh it's you. I thought I'd dreamt you up.
KROTON-COMMANDER: WHERE ARE YOU FROM?!
(The Commander points a claw at the screen.)
KROTON-COMMANDER: YOU ARE OF THE SAME RACE AS THESE BIPEDS?
(As Jamie looks, the Kroton wobbles over to the panel, apparently uninterested in the interrogation.)
JAMIE: Zoe and the Doctor... Where are they?
KROTON-COMMANDER: YOU ARE SPACE TRAVELLERS?
JAMIE: Got out. Good old Doctor!
KROTON-COMMANDER: ANSWER!
(The Kroton grabs Jamie's arm in a pincer.)
JAMIE: Y-you're breaking my arm!
KROTON: DO NOT DAMAGE THE CREATURE!
(The Kroton operates a few controls on the panel and a revolving truth-machine appears above Jamie.)
KROTON-COMMANDER: YOU AND THESE OTHER BEINGS ARE SPACE TRAVELLERS?
KROTON: COMMANDER!
(A picture of the TARDIS swims into view on the monitor.)
KROTON-COMMANDER: WHAT IS THAT?
JAMIE: It's the TARDIS.
KROTON-COMMANDER: WHAT IS ITS FUNCTION?
JAMIE: It travels through time and space.
KROTON: RANGE ZERO-SEVEN DISPERSION UNIT ON TARGET.
(On the screen, the Doctor and Zoe enter the TARDIS.)
KROTON: THEY ARE LEAVING, SHALL I FIRE?
(Jamie looks worriedly up at the screen again.)
JAMIE: They're not leaving...they wouldn't!
[SCENE_BREAK]
4, INT: BETA'S HOUSE
(Beta stands adding careful measures of liquid to a cauldron of some evil smelling mixture while it bubbles happily away over a nearby stove. He looks up as Eelek and Axus and a few others enter the room.)
BETA: You wish to see me?
EELEK: You got my message?
BETA: That the council needs my advice. On a matter of science I presume?
EELEK: On a matter of war.
BETA: War?
EELEK: War against the Krotons.
BETA: War against the Krotons?! Are you both out of your minds?
(Beta walks over to a shelving unit and tinkers, Axus grabs him brandishing his axe.)
AXUS: Now you listen to me!
EELEK: Axus! Not yet! Beta you're a scientist, surely you want to be free of the Krotons?
BETA: Free, yes; dead, no!
AXUS: We can defeat them!
BETA: Can we? Our ancestors tried.
EELEK: They were savages; primitive men with clubs and stones.
AXUS: We are much more advanced now!
BETA: Are we? All our knowledge is given us by the Krotons.
EELEK: Then we can use it against them!
BETA: You're talking nonsense Eelek! We only know what the Krotons tell us. We don't think, we obey.
AXUS: He could help us if he wasn't afraid of the Krotons.
BETA: Don't you think I want to be free of them? Don't you think I want to discover truth for myself? Instead of being fed information like a dog with scraps.
EELEK: Then you will help us?
BETA: To fight the Krotons? Listen, I've just been talking to the stranger, the Doctor. He made me realise how pitifully little the Krotons tell us.
EELEK: I would forget the Doctor if I were you, and his friends.
BETA: What do you mean?
EELEK: They submitted themselves to the teaching machines in the Learning Hall.
BETA: What happened?
AXUS: The Doctor and the girl scored the highest result ever. The Krotons summoned them, they went into the machine and the boy followed them.
EELEK: So now they'll be dead like Abu-Gond, or mindless like Vana. So, you will help us?
BETA: Give me time Eelek. There are certain things the Krotons forbid us to study; fluids which eat away metal and flesh; in time I can develop some way of attacking them.
EELEK: In time! It's always "in time!" isn't it?! "Just give us a little more time, just be a little more patient!" Always time, a little more time!
BETA: We've been slaves for a thousand years, do you think you can free us in one day?
EELEK: Yes!
BETA: Why don't you wait and see what Selris has to say?
EELEK: You will no longer obey Selris, you will obey me!
(Beta gives an exasperated look.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
5, INT: CONTROL-CENTRE
KROTON: SHALL I FIRE COMMANDER?
KROTON-COMMANDER: WE CANNOT KILL THEM, WE NEED THEIR MINDS. YOU WILL LEAVE THE DYNOTROPE AND FETCH THEM BACK.
(Jamie watches as the subordinate Kroton glides over to a rack in the wall and picks up a large metal canister with a funnel built onto the front. The creature then exits the room, moving towards the back of the machine. The Commander turns back to Jamie.)
KROTON-COMMANDER: WHAT IS THE OPERATING PRINCIPLE OF YOUR CRAFT?
JAMIE: Ah... you-you-you mean how does it work? Well, only the Doctor knows that.
KROTON-COMMANDER: WHAT IS ITS TRANSFERENCE INTERVAL?
JAMIE: Ah, transference interval? Well... Er, er... What's that?
KROTON-COMMANDER: YOU HAVE NO VALUE!
KROTON: VISION CONTROL REQUIRED NOW.
KROTON-COMMANDER: ON CONTROL AND PROCEED.
(On the screen the Kroton wobbles down the ramp.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
6, EXT: WASTELANDS
(From the Kroton's eye view as it moves across the rugged terrain.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
7, INT: SELRIS'S HOUSE
(Thara is Mopping Vana's brow while she sleeps as Selris appears.)
SELRIS: How is Vana?
THARA: Better, much better - but very tired. She'll be alright by morning though.
SELRIS: That is good news.
THARA: Are the strangers still in the Learning Hall?
SELRIS: They're gone.
THARA: Do you mean they've left, they've gone back?
SELRIS: They went into the machine.
THARA: What?!
SELRIS: The Krotons sent for Zoe, and the Doctor insisted on going as well.
THARA: You let them go, why didn't you stop them?
SELRIS: What could I do? It is the will of the Krotons!
THARA: But why didn't they run? Why did they go in when they know what must happen?
SELRIS: Because they knew what would happen if they failed to obey.
THARA: But not to them father, they could have escaped in their machine!
SELRIS: There is a council meeting.
THARA: Council meeting! Is that all you can ever think about, talking? What about some action Father? You think that the Krotons are still our great benefactors, don't you?!
SELRIS: No Thara. I think of them as enemies; we're powerless to do anything against them!
THARA: Well Eelek is going to do something about it!
(Vana begins to mumble to herself and Thara helps her to sit up for a moment, embracing her.)
VANA: Thara?
THARA: It's alright Vana, you're quite safe.
VANA: I feel so faint.
(Thara gently lies her back down.)
THARA: Try to sleep now, we're looking after you.
VANA: Oh!
(She is asleep again as soon as her head touches the pillow.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
8, INT: CONTROL-CENTRE
KROTON-COMMANDER: RADIUS ONE-EIGHT-ONE VECTOR FIVE.
(Jamie gets to his feet, and the Kroton turns seeing him.)
KROTON-COMMANDER: DO NOT MOVE!
JAMIE: Uh, I was just er, just stretching my leg.
(He sits down again.)
JAMIE: Look, what are you gonna do with me?
KROTON-COMMANDER: YOU HAVE NO VALUE.
JAMIE: Oh what do you mean?
KROTON-COMMANDER: YOU WILL BE DISPERSED!
[SCENE_BREAK]
9, INT: SELRIS'S HOUSE
SELRIS: Thara, what did you mean about Eelek?
THARA: I meant you don't know what's happening. He is no longer your deputy, he's taken over as council leader.
SELRIS: He has no authority..!
THARA: A vote was taken!
SELRIS: A vote?
THARA: Listen, everybody in the city knows how the Krotons have tricked us - Eelek announced it!
SELRIS: The fool! They will want revenge.
THARA: Well exactly, and that's what Eelek has promised them.
SELRIS: Can't you understand, Eelek doesn't care what happens to our people.
THARA: Eelek is a patriot.
SELRIS: It is not patriotism to lead people into a war they cannot win!
THARA: We can't let the Krotons rule us forever without putting up some sort of fight!
SELRIS: We will be strong one day, we will fight them.
THARA: After another thousand years?
SELRIS: Eelek must be stopped.
THARA: How? He won't listen to you. Our people want this war because of what happened to Vana and the others.
SELRIS: And how does Eelek intend to fight the Krotons, march on their machine?
THARA: Do you have a better idea?
SELRIS: There is a way we could fight them, and that is by not letting them suspect that they are being attacked!
[SCENE_BREAK]
10, INT: CONTROL-CENTRE
KROTON-COMMANDER: RADIUS ONE-SEVEN-NINE VECTOR-FIVE.
JAMIE: What about the Doctor, what are you going to do with him?
KROTON-COMMANDER: THEY ARE NEEDED FOR THE DYNOTROPE.
JAMIE: Dynotrope? Th-that's this machine then?
KROTON-COMMANDER: ONE-SIX-EIGHT VECTOR-FOUR.
JAMIE: Well why do you need them, and w-why have you been killing the Gonds?
KROTON-COMMANDER: THE DYNOTROPE NEEDS HIGH-BRAINS FOR TRANSFER POWER. THE GONDS HAVE NO HIGH-BRAINS.
JAMIE: Aye, and that makes it alright to kill them, does it?
KROTON-COMMANDER: THAT IS PROCEDURE. RADIUS ONE-SIX-THREE VECTOR-FOUR.
(Jamie looks over at the rack which still contains a canister.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
11, INT: COUNCIL CHAMBER
BETA: Selris should be here; he's still the council leader, or am I mistaken.
AXUS: You are mistaken.
EELEK: Selris is old. In time of war we need a strong leader.
AXUS: Eelek has taken command.
BETA: So at last you've achieved your ambition, eh?
EELEK: Yes, and I have the support of the whole council.
BETA: It must be quite a change for you to feel popular.
EELEK: And there is a limit to how much I will take from you.
BETA: I'm wondering just how popular you will be when hundreds of our people have been killed. Do you want a repetition of the massacre we suffered when the Krotons first came here?
EELEK: Today we have slings and fireballs. Weapons that will destroy the strongest building to rubble!
BETA: Have you ever looked at the wasteland?! Nothing grows there even to this day - it smells of death! Compared with their kind of weapons I tell you we still only have clubs and stones!
[SCENE_BREAK]
12, INT: CONTROL-CENTRE
JAMIE: Ah I mean, h-how would you like to die without knowing the reason, eh?
KROTON-COMMANDER: KROTONS CANNOT DIE.
JAMIE: Y-you mean you can't be killed, you-you live forever?
KROTON-COMMANDER: WE FUNCTION PERMANENTLY, UNLESS WE EXHAUST.
JAMIE: Exhaust?
KROTON-COMMANDER: RADIUS ONE-FIVE-TWO VECTOR-THREE.
JAMIE: How do you mean by exhaust?
KROTON-COMMANDER: THE EXHAUST PROCEDURE IS MERELY REVERSION TO BASIC MOLECULES, BUT THE MATTER CAN BE RE-ANIMATED.
JAMIE: Well what about me though? I mean; I can't be reanimated, why kill me?
KROTON-COMMANDER: RADIUS ONE-FOUR-NINE, VECTOR-THREE.
JAMIE: I mean, what good will it do you?
KROTON-COMMANDER: ALL WASTE MATTER MUST BE DISPERSED, THAT IS PROCEDURE.
(Jamie tries to pick up the canister.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
13, EXT: WASTELANDS
(From the Kroton's point of view as it surveys the wastelands behind it's enormous canister-weapon. All it sees are yellow rocky wastes peaking sharply into cliffs before him. Further away, the TARDIS sits comfortably in the area where it arrived. The door opens and the Doctor and Zoe exit.)
DOCTOR: So, these creatures have a life system based on tellurium, eh? It's fascinating isn't it Zoe? Then that tank must have been a polarised centrifuge.
ZOE: Which we activated.
DOCTOR: Oh don't blame yourself Zoe. Oh, that machine must have lain around for thousands of years for someone as clever as us to turn up.
ZOE: Just like a giant mousetrap - and those poor Gond students have been the mice.
DOCTOR: Yes, that's horrible. Still, you must admit, that it's a-a very good way of existing through time.
ZOE: Uh, what are you doing?
DOCTOR: Oh, there's some-some deposits of sulphur around here somewhere.
(He goes to the cliffside and begins to scrape at the crystalline, vegetation covers surface.)
ZOE: Yes, Jamie remarked about the smell as soon as we stepped out of the TARDIS.
DOCTOR: Hydrogen telluride.
ZOE: What? Oh of course! The worst smell in the world.
(The Doctor chuckles.)
DOCTOR: The worst smell in any world.
ZOE: Why didn't I think of that?
DOCTOR: Zoe, I'd say it's a safe bet that that machine is composed of tellurium.
ZOE: Doctor, what do you want sulphur for?
DOCTOR: Oh-oh it-it'll come in useful - it's very useful stuff sulphur, you know, very useful stuff indeed.
ZOE: I've got the funny feeling we're being watched...
[SCENE_BREAK]
14, INT: CONTROL-CENTRE
KROTON-COMMANDER: RADIUS THREE-ZERO VECTOR ONE. TWO ZERO, OBJECTIVE IN RANGE.
(Zoe's face is seen on the monitor at the control centre. Behind the Commander Jamie whispers hopefully at the screen, knowing there is no way he can possibly warn them.)
JAMIE: Get back in the TARDIS will you! Go on!
KROTON-COMMANDER: RADIUS ONE-ZERO
JAMIE: Go on!
[SCENE_BREAK]
15, INT: WASTELANDS
(The Doctor is entirely absorbed in the local geology. To his side is an old carpet bag brimming with yellow rocks.)
DOCTOR: Look at this, it's almost pure sulphur.
ZOE: Oh Doctor, can we go now?
DOCTOR: Oh yes, in a minute. What do you know about tellurium Zoe?
ZOE: Well it's one of the exceptional elements in the periodic table.
DOCTOR: Mm.
ZOE: It's atomic weight is a hundred and twenty eight.
DOCTOR: Yeah.
ZOE: And it's atomic number is fifty...
(she looks towards the path.)
DOCTOR: Mm-hm, well go on...
ZOE: It doesn't really matter anymore.
DOCTOR: Mm?
(The Doctor gets up and they both look at the silver shape before them.)
DOCTOR: Oh my giddy aunt.
KROTON: YOU WILL RETURN TO THE DYNOTROPE.
DOCTOR: Oh-oh, yes. Ah yes of course, ah...yes, if you put it that way. Er, I wonder perhaps if I were to...
(He hurriedly picks up the bag, spilling a few rocks.)
KROTON: RETURN!
DOCTOR: Oh yes-yes!
[SCENE_BREAK]
16, INT: CONTROL-CENTRE
(Jamie rushes to the weapons rack at the back of the room and struggles out the second huge canister-like dispersion unit, and aims it at the Commander.)
KROTON-COMMANDER: STOP!
JAMIE: Hah, now we'll see if you die or not!
KROTON-COMMANDER: STOP! STOP!
(Jamie after a little fumbling Jamie manages to fire the weapon, but it seems to have no effect on the crystalline life form. It is lassoed by swathes of vapour as it approaches.)
KROTON-COMMANDER: STOP! STOP! STOP!
(Suddenly the weapon cuts out as if an automatic anti-tamper fail-safe switch has clicked in. Jamie thumps it a few times to try and fix it, but to no avail. One swipe of the Commander's claw sends the huge canister flying from Jamie's grasp and to the floor with a clunk. It grasps Jamie in a painful grip.)
JAMIE: Oh no, argh!
[SCENE_BREAK]
17, INT: WASTELANDS
(The Large boxy bulk of the Kroton looks a little less menacing. It wobbles around on it's base, flapping like a beached fish.)
KROTON: DIRECTION POINT! DIRECTION POINT! I HAVE LOST CONTACT!
DOCTOR: Quick, Zoe, up there - run!
(They scramble away before the creature can regain its faculties.)
KROTON: STOP! DIRECTION POINT REQUIRED IMMEDIATELY!
[SCENE_BREAK]
18, INT: CONTROL-CENTRE
KROTON-COMMANDER: RADIUS ONE ZERO, VECTOR THREE.
KROTON OOV: DO I PROCEED?
KROTON-COMMANDER: NO, WAIT. THE AUTO-SCANNER HAS LOST CONTACT. YOU WILL DESTROY THE TARDIS MACHINE.
KROTON OOV: DIRECTION POINT?
KROTON-COMMANDER: RADIUS FOUR-ONE, VECTOR TWO.
(The TARDIS swims into view on the control centres scanner.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
19, INT: CLIFFSIDE
ZOE: Can't it see?
DOCTOR: No apparently not in the light. It was dark in the machine wasn't it?
ZOE: Look it's moving again now.
DOCTOR: Yes.
ZOE: It's going towards the TARDIS.
DOCTOR: Yes it's being directed by the machine's scanners.
(They watch as below, the Kroton aims it's weapon at the tall blue box and fires. The shape is completely consumed, and when the smoke clears nothing of the TARDIS is left.)
ZOE: Oh Doctor, the TARDIS!
DOCTOR: Yes.
ZOE: Well now what do we do?
DOCTOR: Well there's-there's nothing we can do until that wretched Kroton moves away.
[SCENE_BREAK]
20, INT: CONTROL-CENTRE
KROTON OOV: FURTHER INSTRUCTIONS?
KROTON-COMMANDER: RETURN TO THE DYNOTROPE.
KROTON OOV: DIRECTION POINT?
KROTON-COMMANDER: REVERSE THE READINGS.
[SCENE_BREAK]
21, INT: CLIFFSIDE
(The Kroton glides away back to the Dynotrope. Had the beast been able to look upwards it might have seen something strange happen on the cliffside high above it. An icy ethereal wind begins to swirl accompanied by a loud juddering sound. Gradually the skeletal form of a tall blue box begins to form in an absurd position on the cliffside. The battered box gains form, texture and finally substance with a resounding thunk.)
ZOE: Look, it alright again!
DOCTOR: Yes, what a, what a stupid place to land. You can tell that the Captain is not at the helm can't you?
ZOE: You knew it would vanish like that, didn't you?
DOCTOR: Well it only does that, you see, if I, if I remember to set the HADS.
ZOE: The what?
DOCTOR: The HADS. The Hostile-Action Displacement System. If the TARDIS is attacked it automatically dematerialises. Now, I think it's safe, I think it's safe for us to move now.
ZOE: Oh, to move where?
DOCTOR: Well I... We've got to ssee...tell the Gonds that we're alright haven't we? And Jamie'll be worried, come along now. Carefully.
(They make their way down the cliffside path towards the settlement.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
22, INT: COUNCIL CHAMBER
(Eelek, Beta and Axus are debating their plans as a number of pike carrying guards stand around watching.)
EELEK: First we destroy the Learning Hall, then we make a frontal attack.
BETA: Suicide!
AXUS: What does the Controller of Science know of war?
BETA: You came here asking for my advice, I have given it. Wait until we can develop effective weapons.
EELEK: And how long will that take? I say attack now?
SELRIS: No Eelek!
BETA: You'll be pleased to know he's taken your place as leader of the council!
SELRIS: To lead an attack on the Krotons?
EELEK: That is my plan.
SELRIS: I forbid it!
EELEK: You can't forbid anything!
(He raises his voice to the guards.)
EELEK: Ordered slings and fireballs to be prepared!
(Selris looks at the assembled Gonds for support, but they all file out. Eelek looks triumphant.
EELEK: They've heard enough of your plans.
(He follows the guards out.)
BETA: Slings and fireballs will never reach the Krotons while they're still in that machine!
SELRIS: Exactly Beta, and I have a plan to draw them out. Now under the Hall of Learning there are three pillars which support the machine...
[SCENE_BREAK]
23, INT: CONTROL-CENTRE
KROTON-COMMANDER: THE HIGH-BRAINS MUST BE RECAPTURED BEFORE EXHAUST TIME.
KROTON: CAPTIVE ALIENS ARE DISPERSED.
KROTON-COMMANDER: CHECK EXHAUST TIME.
(Jamie gets up from where he has been lying on the floor, but the Krotons seem to absorbed in their tasks to notice him.)
KROTON: COMMENCE CHECK.
KROTON-COMMANDER: ILEAL POWERSTAT IS?
KROTON: STATIC.
KROTON-COMMANDER: GRAVITATION FEED?
KROTON: NORMAL.
(Jamie slowly creeps towards the door.)
KROTON-COMMANDER: AUXILIARY OUTPUT.
KROTON: RISING.
KROTON-COMMANDER: DYNOTROPE BALANCE.
KROTON: BALANCE FOUR.
KROTON-COMMANDER: THE DYNOTROPE WILL EXHAUST IN THREE HOURS.
(Jamie watches from the door a few more seconds before rushing away towards the exit.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
24, INT: SELRIS'S HOUSE
(Thara and Vana are finishing packing a selection of bags.)
THARA: Are you sure you're strong enough?
VANA: Of course. I'm alright now.
THARA: I can carry you.
VANA: That won't be necessary, I'll walk Thara.
THARA: It's a long way to the hills...
(Thara looks up and sees a familiar face walk in the door.)
VANA: Doctor you're back!
DOCTOR: Yes, I'm sorry I've been so long.
THARA: But...we thought you were dead!
DOCTOR: Dead?
VANA: Selris said that you'd gone into the machine.
DOCTOR: Oh yes, well we did, but er... Well-well er, what goes in must come out, mustn't it? You're better aren't you?
VANA: Much.
DOCTOR: Sit down, you mustn't...
(He notices the bags.)
DOCTOR: Oh, I'm glad to see you're going on holiday.
THARA: Holiday? We aren't goi...
DOCTOR: Well it looks as though...
THARA: Well the city's being evacuated.
DOCTOR: Evacuated? What do you mean?
THARA: My father's going to lead an attack on the Krotons. He hopes they'll strike back and come out into the open.
DOCTOR: Didn't he learn last night?
THARA: Oh he's going to attack the machine from underneath.
VANA: Demolish the machine's supports.
DOCTOR: Oh I don't think that's a very good idea! Zoe, there's no time to be lost!
(He turns back to Thara.)
DOCTOR: Will you take me to Beta please?
THARA: Yeah.
(They all leave.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
25, INT: UNDER-HALL
(In an enormous, dank chamber a group of Gonds with torches work on demolishing the machine above. They toil with mallets to attach a number of chains to the base of a towering, fluted column.)
SELRIS: Ready with the stop-draw? Now!
(The chains pull tightly around one of the Dynotrope support struts.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
26, INT: BETA'S LABORATORY
BETA: Thara, if you've come to try and persuade me to leave you're wasting your time.
THARA: I haven't, the Doctor asked to see your laboratory.
DOCTOR: Can you hold my bag please.
(Thara takes the bag and the Doctor addresses Beta.)
DOCTOR: Er, there's a small job I want you to do.
(Beta looks curiously at a small rock the Doctor has just given him.)
BETA: Oh, what's that?
DOCTOR: It's sulphur. I've written out some instructions here, I don't know whether you can follow them, can you?
BETA: Yes, I think so. But the Krotons forbid us to study chemistry.
DOCTOR: Yes... Beta, did it ever occur to you to wonder why?
(Zoe looks around missing a voice.)
ZOE: Doctor, where's Jamie?
(She glances at Vana.)
ZOE: He's supposed to be looking after you. Well where's he got to?
THARA: Well he followed you out to the Learning Hall.
DOCTOR: Well I haven't seen him since this morning!
ZOE: Oh you don't suppose he tried to get into the machine do you?
DOCTOR: Come on, we must go!
ZOE: Yes, let's!
(He rushes out after Zoe, pausing only briefly.)
DOCTOR: Give me a sample of that as soon as you can will you?
(He vanishes through the door.)
THARA: Vana, I'm staying here to help.
BETA: Oh no you're not, you're going to the hills the pair of you.
VANA: Oh don't be ridiculous Beta we're not leaving you here. Besides, I feel quite faint - I don't think I could walk a step.
(Beta glares at Thara who grins back at him.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
26, INT: CONTROL-CENTRE
(Alarms echo through the Dynotrope Control-Centre as the Krotons heads spin madly around.)
KROTON: THE GRAVITATION FEED IS DROPPING.
KROTON-COMMANDER: THE DYNOTROPE IS MOVING OUT OF BALANCE. STATIC BEAM, SWITCH TO FULL VOLUME.
KROTON: FULL VOLUME ON.
KROTON-COMMANDER: SYSTEM CHECK COMMENCE.
[SCENE_BREAK]
26, INT: UNDER-HALL
(A Gond is cranking the handle of a crude ratchet device around and around.)
SELRIS: Shine the light up there?
(As the Gond does so, a large crack is clearly visible in the ceiling.)
BETA: If that comes down we shall all be killed!
(Selris gazes up with a zealous glint in his eye.)
SELRIS: But the machine will come down first! Look at the vibration!
(The ground begins to shake and a number of Gonds flee for their lives.)
DOCTOR: Stop it! Stop it!
SELRIS: Doctor!
DOCTOR: What do you think you're doing, you idiots?! Just unhook the thing, you're meddling with things you don't understand!
ZOE: Oh Doctor, look out!
(The split in the ceiling widens and a chunk of concrete dislodges and falls to the ground.)
DOCTOR: Oh Zoe! Run, run!
(A stream of rubble falls from the hole in the ceiling burying the Doctor completely.) | Plan: A: Jamie; Q: Who is held prisoner by the Krotons? A: their mental energy; Q: Why do the Krotons want to recapture the Doctor and Zoe? Summary: Jamie is held prisoner by the Krotons who intend to recapture the Doctor and Zoe for their mental energy. |
Originally written by Sebastian Jones and Brian Buckner. Transcribed by Joshua Hodge.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Everyone is there. Monica is watching stock prices on a business channel.]
JOEY: Hey Monica, why are we watchin' the business channel?
MONICA: 'Cause I was going by it the other day and I saw that there was a stock with my initials, MEG, on it and, well, sometimes I have to watch for two or three hours before it comes up again but when it does, it's pretty exciting.
RACHEL: Ok honey, you really need a job.
ROSS: Mon, speaking of which, dad says he knows someone you can call for an interview.
MONICA: Really.
PHOEBE: Ok, right there. That, that's the third sign today. Right there.
ROSS: On behalf of everyone, I'd just like to say behuh.
PHOEBE: No, 'cause you just said dad and everywhere I go today I keep getting signs telling me to go see my father. Like when I was walking over here and I passed a buffet...which is my father's last name.
EVERYONE: Ahh.
PHOEBE: And they were serving franks which is his first name minus the s at the end. And there was a rotisserie with spinning chicken.
MONICA: His indian name?
PHOEBE: No because I chickened out the last time when I tried to meet him. So I mean coincidences? I don't think so.
ROSS: Freakish.
MONICA: Wow.
JOEY: Freaky.
MONICA: Weird, weird.
RACHEL: Ok, so uh, who wants the last hamburger?
PHOEBE: Oh, alright, that's it, now I have to go see him.
MONICA: Why?
PHOEBE: Hamburger. McDonald's. Old MacDonald had a farm, my dad is a pharmacist.
OPENING TITLES
[Scene: Central Perk. Chandler and Ross enter in sweats carrying rackets.]
CHANDLER: Man, I am so beat.
ROSS: Oh yeah.
CHANDLER: Hey, you just wanna forget about raquetball and hang out here?
ROSS: Yeah alright.
[they sit at the couch]
BIG BULLY: [walks back from the counter] Hey you're in our seats.
ROSS: Oh, sorry we didn't know.
LITTLE BULLY: [walks back from the counter] Hey, we were sitting there.
CHANDLER: Ok, there is one more way to say it, who knows it?
LITTLE BULLY: Is that supposed to be funny?
CHANDLER: No actually, I was just going for colorful.
BIG BULLY: What's with this guy?
LITTLE BULLY: What's with you?
ROSS: Uh, nothing, nothing's with him. Enjoy your coffee.
[as they're walking off, little bully grabs Chandlers hat from behind and puts it on himself]
CHANDLER: What just happened?
LITTLE BULLY: I just took your hat. See, I can be funny too. My, my joke is that I, I took your hat.
CHANDLER: That, that is funny. Can I have it back?
LITTLE BULLY: No.
CHANDLER: No?
BIG BULLY: No.
ROSS: Ok, ok, you know what? I think you're very funny. Kudos on that hat joke. But, come on guy just, just give him back the hat.
BIG BULLY: Why should we?
ROSS: Because it's a special hat. [Chandler looks at Ross funny] See he bought it 'cause he was feeling really down one day so he got the hat to cheer himself up, ya know. Now Chandler...
CHANDLER: Stop talking, stop talking now. Let me just get this straight. You're actually stealing my hat?
BIG BULLY: You got a problem with that?
CHANDLER: No, just wanna make sure we're on the same page.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Joey and Rachel are sitting there and Monica walks in.]
RACHEL: Hey, how'd the interview go?
MONICA: It bit. It was a 50's theme restraunt. I have to cook in a costume and dance on the counter. I mean I was a chef at Cafe des Artistes. I mean how could I take a job where I have to make something called Laverne and Curly Fries?
RACHEL: So don't do it.
MONICA: How can I not do it? I have $127 in the bank.
JOEY: Monica, relax, go get a beer.
MONICA: I don't want a beer.
JOEY: Who said it was for you?
ROSS and CHANDLER: [both enter looking down] Hhhiiii.
RACHEL: What's the matter with you?
CHANDLER: The mean guys at the coffee house took my hat.
RACHEL: Noo.
JOEY: You're kiddin'.
ROSS: It was ridiculous. Ya know, these guys, they were bullies, actual bullies, ya know. We're grown ups, this kinda stuff isn't supposed to happen anymore.
RACHEL: Oohhh.
ROSS: Hi.
RACHEL: Hi. [Ross turns to Rachel and they hug]
CHANDLER: Ohhh [turns as if to hug someone] Oh no, wait a minute, I have no one.
JOEY: Hey, woah, let's go down there and get your hat back.
CHANDLER: Na, forget it, it's probably stripped and sold for parts by now.
MONICA: [seeing TV] Hey, I went up.
RACHEL: What?
MONICA: My stock, MEG, it went up 2 points. Hey guys, do you realize that if I had invested my $127 in myself yesterday that I'd like have...a lot more than that today. Ya know what, I'm gonna do it.
JOEY: Do what?
MONICA: Put all my money in me.
RACHEL: Monica, what are you talking about? You don't know the first thing about the stock market.
MONICA: What's to know? Buy sell, high low, bears bulls...[on the phone] Yes Manhattan...yeah telephone number of the stock...selling store.
[Scene: Phoebe's dad's house. Phoebe pulls up in the cab with Rachel and Joey in the back.]
[Phoebe slams on the breaks. Joey and Rachel are thrown forward into the pillows in their laps.]
JOEY: See, didn't I tell ya these pillows would be a good idea?
PHOEBE: Oh God, here we go. For the first time in my life I'm gonna say 'Hi birthfather'.
RACHEL: We love you, we're here for you.
JOEY: Yeah good luck, good luck.
PHOEBE: Thanks. [gets out of the cab]
JOEY: Hey Rach, you uh, you want some sandwich?
RACHEL: Ohh, what is in that?
JOEY: Olive loaf and ham spread, no mayo.
RACHEL: No no, 'cause mayo, that would make it gross.
PHOEBE: [a little dog starts attacking her leg] Hey, hey, no, oh oh.
RACHEL: Run Phoebe run.
PHOEBE: No no no, doggie please. Oh, I do so wanna love all animals, please no.
JOEY: Get him a bone, get a bone. You gotta bone?
RACHEL: Are you kidding me?
PHOEBE: Look kibbles, bits. Oh God, alright, get the hell off my leg you yippity piece of crap. [Flings the dog off and jumps in the cab. The dog keeps jumping up to the window.] Ok, alright, we have a problem.
JOEY: Well why don't you just reach out and take his trampoline.
RACHEL: Ok, here, I know what we can do. [grabs Joey's sadwich and throws it out the window]
JOEY: Hey, hey, hey no.
RACHEL: Ok, doggie get the- aahhh. Ok go get the sandwich, get the sandwich doggie. [dog ignores the sandwich] Good doggie get the sandwich, get the...ok, Joey, the dog will lick himself but he will not touch your sandwich, what does that say?
JOEY: Well if he's not gonna eat it, I will.
PHOEBE: Are you crazy?
JOEY: Phoebs, he's just a little dog. [turns back to the car window and the dog is halfway through it.] Ahhh.
[Scene: Central Perk. Chandler and Ross are sitting at the couch.]
CHANDLER: Hey.
ROSS: What?
CHANDLER: Do you have to be a Century 21 real-estate agent to get to wear those really cool jackets?
ROSS: Do you say this stuff to girls?
BIG BULLY: Hehehehey, isn't that the guy who used to wear your hat?
LITTLE BULLY: And look where they're sitting.
ROSS: You're joking, right? You guys just walked through the door.
BIG BULLY: Maybe we didn't make it clear enough.
LITTLE BULLY: Yeah.
BIG BULLY: This couch belongs to us.
CHANDLER: Alright, I'll tell you what, you call the couch and then, and then we'll call the couch, and we'll see who it comes to.
BIG BULLY: You know what I keep wondering? Why you two are still sitting here.
ROSS: Alright, that's it. I've had enough of this, alright. Gunther, these guys are trying to take our seat.
GUNTHER: Fellas, these guys were here first.
BIG BULLY: Oh, sorry, I didn't realize.
LITTLE BULLY: Sorry.
GUNTHER: There you go.
ROSS: Thank you Gunther. We didn't want to have to go and do that.
LITTLE BULLY: He told on us?
BIG BULLY: You told on us?
ROSS: Well pal, you didn't give me much of a choice. [flicks the ends of the big bully's tie]
CHANDLER: Don't play with his things.
ROSS: I know.
BIG BULLY: Alright, let's take this outside.
ROSS: Let's, let's take this outside? Who talks like that?
BIG BULLY: The guy that's about to kick your ass talks like that.
CHANDLER: You had to ask.
ROSS: Yeah.
[the bullies grab the back of the couch that Ross and Chandler are sitting in and tip back]
ROSS: Ok, ok look, see, the thing is we're, we're not gonna fight you guys.
LITTLE BULLY: Well then here's the deal, you won't have to so long as never ever show your faces in this coffee house ever again.
CHANDLER: I think you played the Gunther card too soon.
[Scene: Back in the cab in front of Phoebe's dad's house.]
JOEY: Hey Phoeb's, I think you're good to go.
PHOEBE: Yeah, I don't know.
RACHEL: What's the matter?
PHOEBE: I just think that this was a really bad sign, ya know. I mean, like the beast at the threshold, you know. It's just like, I have no family left, ya know. I mean except for my grandmother, you know, but let's face it, she's not gonna be around forever, despite what she says. And I have a sister who I've barely spoken to since we like shared a womb. I don't know, this is my real father and I just, I want things to be like just right.
RACHEL: Yeah Phoebe, I completely understand.
JOEY: Yeah, whatever you need. Hey, you wanna go home?
PHOEBE: Ok, thanks. Sorry, again
[She starts the cab and pulls forward. We hear a squish and a dog yelp.]
PHOEBE: [innocently] What was that?
JOEY: Uhh, I'm guessing the threshold's clear now.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Joey is eating breakfast, Rachel has just gotten up, and Monica is on the phone.]
MONICA: I wanna buy 5 shares of SGJ and I wanna buy them now. C'mon time is money my friend. Thank you. Wooo.
RACHEL: Time is money my friend?
JOEY: Yeah, you missed, 'Takes money to make money,' and uh, 'Don't make me come down there and kick your wall street butt.'
MONICA: Hey, I made $17 before breakfast, what have you done?
JOEY: Well uh, I had breakfast here so technically I saved $3.50.
RACHEL: How did you make $17.
MONICA: Well, my financially challenged friends, I split my money and I bought some shares of CHP and ZXY.
JOEY: How come those?
MONICA: Well, CHP because I used to have a crush on Eric Estrada. And ZXY becuase I think it sounds zexy.
RACHEL: What happened to uh, MEG.?
MONICA: MEG was good for me but I dumped her. Ya know, my motto is get out before they go down.
JOEY: That is so not my motto.
PHOEBE: [enters] Hey.
RACHEL: Hey Phoebs. Oh hey, how's the dog?
PHOEBE: Ok, I talked to the vet, people are so nice upstate. Anyway, he said that the little fella's gonna be ok and I can pick him up tomorrow.
JOEY: Good.
RACHEL: Oh, thank God.
PHOEBE: Yeah, but he did have to have a bunch of stitches and he said that only once in a blue moon does a dog's ear grow back so...still hoping.
RACHEL: Ok, so Phoebe, now are you gonna call your dad and let him know that his dog is ok?
PHOEBE: I, I don't wanna meet my father over the phone. What am I gonna say, like 'Hi, I'm Phoebe, the daughter you abandoned. Oh, by the way, I broke your dog.'
JOEY: Hey Phoebs, if you want, I'll do it.
PHOEBE: Ok. Listen, just don't say anything about me, ok. [goes over and grabs the phone that's sitting by Monica]
MONICA: DON'T...be too long with the phone.
RACHEL: She'll be a much better friend when the market closes.
JOEY: [dials the phone] It's a woman.
PHOEBE: So talk to her.
JOEY: [in a fake voice] Uhh, hello Miss Buffay. I know where your dog is. I want you to know that he'll be returned to you, almost as good as new, within, within 24 hours. Uh, goodbye. [hangs up]
RACHEL: Why the voice.
JOEY: [in the voice] Hard to say.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Ross is sitting at the bar, Chandler serves up two mugs of hot water.]
CHANDLER: Your cappucino sir.
ROSS: Thank you.
[they both pour in packets of cappucino mix]
CHANDLER: Ya know I think this is much better than the coffee house.
ROSS: Absolutely.
[they both stir thier coffee and proceed to stare into the mugs]
ROSS: How come it's not mixing with the water?
CHANDLER:Well the package says you have to uh, constantly keep it moving. Stir and drink, stir and drink, never let it settle.
[they both try to drink while continuously stirring]
JOEY: [walks out of his room] Hey, this is ridiculous. I'll tell you what. After I get back from my neice's christening, I'll go down to the coffee house with you and we'll all have a nice cup of coffee alright. No problem, Joey's there.
CHANDLER: Ok.
ROSS: No.
CHANDLER: No?
ROSS: No. Man I don't wanna have to have Joey with me every time I wanna descent cup of coffee. Ya know, and I don't wanna spend the rest of my life drinking cappucino with a 'K'. I say you and I go back down there and stand up to those guys.
CHANDLER: Alright, hang on a second there Custer.
JOEY: Yeah really, Ross, have you ever been beaten up before?
ROSS: Yeah, sure.
JOEY: By someone besides Monica?
ROSS: No. So what. So what if we get beaten up, maybe that's just something every man has to go through once in his life. Ya know, like a, like a right of passage or somethin'.
CHANDLER: Well, couldn't we just lose our virginities again? Ya know, because I think actually mine's growing back.
[Scene: Outside Monica and Rachel's apartment. Rachel is returning.]
MONICA: [Opens the door] I need to borrow a hundred bucks.
RACHEL: What?
MONICA: Hi, welcome home. [pulls Rachel inside] I need to borrow a hundred bucks.
RACHEL: For what?
MONICA: I've gotta get back in the game.
RACHEL: Why, when did you get out of the game?
MONICA: I don't know, I lost it all ok. I lost it.
RACHEL: Oh no.
MONICA: Hey, I've come to terms with it, you have to too.
RACHEL: Ok. Look uhh, Mon I'm, I'm really sorry.
MONICA: Yeah, yeah, yeah, where are we on the hundred bucks?
RACHEL: I, I don't have it.
MONICA: But I need it. Otherwords I'm gonna have to take that horrible diner job. You know, with the dancing and the costumes. I don't wanna have to wear flame retardant boobs.
RACHEL: Nobody does honey.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Scene: Phoebe's dad's house. Phoebe is returning the dog who is bandaged up and has a plastic cone around it's neck.]
PHOEBE: Hi.
MRS BUFFAY: Schnoodle. Oh my God, what the hell happened to my dog?
PHOEBE: It was an accident, and, and the woman who did this would never ever hurt a dog on purpose. She's a vegetarian.
MRS BUFFAY: What are these, stitches?
PHOEBE: Yeah, eight of them. That's 56 to him. You know also, if, if it's raining, you can't let him look up too long 'cause that cone'll fill up really really fast.
MRS BUFFAY: Yeah well, thanks for bringing back what's left of him.
PHOEBE: Sure, oh, is, is Frank home.
MRS BUFFAY: How do you know Frank?
PHOEBE: Just from a, from a long time ago. Is he here?
MRS BUFFAY: Yeah. Frank.
FRANK: Yeah. What? [a young guy comes around the corner]
PHOEBE: Oh, ok, um, I mean Frank senior.
MRS BUFFAY: He went out for groceries.
PHOEBE: Ok so will he be back soon?
MRS BUFFAY: Well he left four years ago so we're expecting him back any minute now.
PHOEBE: Alright, I'm, I'm gonna go. I'm sorry about the dog, everything. I'm sorry.
[she turns to leave, Frank follows]
FRANK: Hey lady. Hey wait up. How do you know my dad?
PHOEBE: Um well I don't really. Just genetically. He's kinda my dad too.
FRANK: Heavy.
PHOEBE: Yeah. So um, did he ever talk about me, Phoebe?
FRANK: No but he didn't really talk about anything.
PHOEBE: Oh.
FRANK: Except stilts.
PHOEBE: Stilts?
FRANK: Yeah, he loved stilts. One time I was upstairs, I was stealing cigarettes out of my mom's purse, and uh, all of a sudden I look over and there's my dad's head bobbing past the window. He just had this big smile on his face and he was waving 'cause he was always happiest when he was on his stilts.
PHOEBE: Wow.
FRANK: Yeah.
PHOEBE: I don't know what to do with that.
FRANK: Me neither. So you're like my big sister.
PHOEBE: Yeah.
FRANK: This is huge, you can buy me beer.
PHOEBE: I'm not gonna. But you know what's cool though? Ok, if you had a friend named Pete, then I could say, 'Oh yeah, I know Pete, he's friends with my brother.'
FRANK: I gotta friend named Mark.
PHOEBE: That'll work too.
FRANK: Cool, alright. So maybe, ya know, I could give you a call sometime, we could talk or somethin'.
PHOEBE: Yeah, that'd be ok.
FRANK: Alright.
PHOEBE: Ok, I'm in the book.
FRANK: Ok, yeah.
PHOEBE: Alright. So um, stilts huh?
FRANK: Yeah hey, you know if you want I can take you around back and show you where he hit his head on the rain gutter.
PHOEBE: Ok.
[Scene: Central Perk. Chandler and Ross are sitting on the couch nervously.]
ROSS: Well we did it, we're here. We are standing our ground. How long does a cup of coffee take?
CHANDLER: Would you come on! Come on! [waitress brings their coffee] Thank you.
[They rush to put the cream and sugar in their cups and gulp down a few drinks]
CHANDLER: Ah, there we go.
ROSS: I think we proved our point.
CHANDLER: You burn your mouth?
ROSS: Cannot feel my tounge.
[They leave. As they're walking out, the bullies are walking in.]
CHANDLER: Bullies, big bullies.
LITTLE BULLY: Oh, look who's here, it's the weenies.
BIG BULLY: Did we not make ourselves clear the other day.
ROSS: Yes, and that's why we're here.
CHANDLER: Yes, we're standing out ground...apparently.
LITTLE BULLY: Let's do this alright.
ROSS: Woah, ho-ho, whad'ya got there, a weapon?
LITTLE BULLY: It's a nice watch, I don't wanna break it on your ribs.
CHANDLER: Alright, let's do this.
LITTLE BULLY: Alright.
[they all put up their fists and prepare to fight]
CHANDLER: Question. If I don't care about my watch, can I use it as a weapon?
ROSS: Whad'ya mean?
CHANDLER: Well, it's sharp, it's metal, I think I can do some, you know, serious damage with it.
BIG BULLY: No, you can't use your watch.
CHANDLER: Ok. [reaches in his pocket]
BIG BULLY: Or your keys.
CHANDLER: Ok.
LITTLE BULLY: Look, here's what we'll do. We'll put all keys and watches in the hat over there. Alright. [they all put their keys and watches in the hat and put it on a mail box] Alright, c'mon man, let's do this.
[they all jump in the street and prepare to fight]
ROSS: Before I forget, are we hitting faces?
BIG BULLY: Of course we're hitting faces, why wouldn't you hit faces?
ROSS: Well because I have to work on Monday, I have a big presentation.
LITTLE BULLY: Actually, you know, uh, I gotta show this apartment tomorrow and uh, you know, this no faces thing might not be a bad idea.
BIG BULLY: Ok, nothing from the neck up. [everyone gets ready for the fight] Or the waist down. Dana's ovulating.
LITTLE BULLY: Oh really, you guys tryin' again?
BIG BULLY: Yeah.
CHANDLER: Ok, so let me just get this straight. So we're uh, strictly talking about the middle?
BIG BULLY: C'MON!
ROSS: Hey, hey, woah, you want some of this, huh? You want a piece of this, huh? I'm standin here, huh.
CHANDLER: Hey, hey, those guys are takin our stuff! [some guy runs off with the hat]
ROSS: Hey.
BIG BULLY: Hey.
[they all run off after the guy]
[Scene: Central Perk. The four guys are returning after getting the hat back.]
ROSS: God, that was, that was amazing, that was incredible. You guys, you guys kicked butt.
LITTLE BULLY: Us, what about you guys? Man you really, bing, gave it to old Mr. Clean back there. He was a big guy.
ROSS: Yeah he was wasn't he.
CHANDLER: Yeah, I wouldn't know having missed everything.
BIG BULLY: Don't do that to yourself. Any one of us could have tripped over that little girls jump-rope.
ROSS: So, listen guys, are we uh, are we ok here?
LITTLE BULLY: We're ok.
ROSS: Alright.
CHANDLER: Ok so, can I have my hat back?
LITTLE BULLY: No.
CHANDLER: Huh. [reaches over and grabs the hat and bolts for the door but slips and falls behind the couch]
CLOSING CREDITS
[Scene: The 50's theme cafe. Monica is working the grill, the rest are at a table.]
RACHEL: Look at her.
CHANDLER: Hi Monica.
JOEY: He-he-he, how's it goin'?
PHOEBE: Hey nice boobs.
CHANDLER: Guys guys, check this out.
[Chandler puts a coin in the mini jukebox at the table. YMCA starts playing and Monica and the rest of the staff have to get on the counter and start singing along and dancing. After a couple of couruses, Chandler pulls out a handful of coins and drops them on the table.]
JOEY: Excellent. | Plan: A: two bullies; Q: Who do Chandler and Ross clash with at the coffee shop? A: one; Q: How many bullies steal Chandler's hat? A: Monica; Q: Who loses her savings due to unwise investments? A: her last few dollars; Q: How much money does Monica have left? A: the stock market; Q: What does Monica play to avoid taking a job at a 1950s themed diner? A: the ticker symbols; Q: What does Monica use to play the stock market? A: a tacky 1950s; Q: What theme diner does Monica avoid taking a job at? A: Phoebe; Q: Who makes multiple attempts to visit her birth father? A: Frank Buffay Jr.; Q: Who is Phoebe's half-brother? A: his second family; Q: What family did Phoebe's father leave four years earlier? A: a silly uniform; Q: What does Monica wear to the Moondance Diner? A: old songs; Q: What does Monica dance to at the diner? Summary: Chandler and Ross clash with two bullies at the coffee shop, one of whom steals Chandler's hat. Monica, down to her last few dollars, plays the stock market based solely on the ticker symbols to avoid taking a job at a tacky 1950s themed diner. Phoebe makes multiple attempts to visit her birth father, but instead meets her half-brother, Frank Buffay Jr.; she learns that her father left his second family four years earlier. Monica loses her savings due to her unwise investments, and is forced to take the job at the Moondance Diner , wearing a silly uniform and dancing on the counter to old songs. |
[A road]
(Elena is alone on the middle of the road. She lies on the road)
[Salvatore's House]
Stefan: We're gonna lose her, Damon
Damon: She needs time. It's only been a couple of days
Stefan: Her humanity is off. She's basically numb to everything that makes her who she is
Damon: She's a vampire. The off switch is one of the biggest perks. When being undead gets you down, voila. Vampire Prozac
Stefan: She burned down her family home with her brother's dead body still inside
Damon: Saves us the trouble of having to do it ourselves. I call that a win. Worst-case scenario, I'll invoke the sire bond and tell her to turn it back on
Stefan: No. Her brother just died. You force all that grief on her at once, it's gonna overwhelm her. We need to give her a reason to want to turn it on
Damon: Fine. We'll show her a good time. I know it's controversial, Stefan, but people actually like to have fun
Stefan: You really think that's gonna work?
Damon: There's only one way to find out
[A road]
(Elena is still lying on the road. A woman stops her car, gets out and rushes toward her)
Woman: Are you all right? Was there an accident? Where are you hurt? Are you in pain?
Elena: I don't feel anything
Woman: I have a blanket in my car. Try not to move. I'll call for help
(She goes to her car. When she turns herself, Elena's standing next to her)
Woman: What are you doing?
(Elena bites her and drinks her blood. Damon intervenes)
Damon: That's enough
(She doesn't stop)
Damon: I said that's enough. We agreed no killing
Elena: This is the first person I've seen in days whose body isn't laced with vervain, and I'm hungry
Damon: You leave a trail of bodies, people are gonna start asking questions
Elena: I don't care
(She resumes her meal)
Damon: I can't believe you're making me say this
(He catches her)
Damon: Show a little restraint
Elena: I thought this was supposed to be fun
[Somewhere]
(Haley gets out of a store and senses someone. She's attacked by a vampire but Klaus intervenes and bites him and gets rid of him)
Klaus: Have a care, mate. That's no way to treat a lady
Haley: You came
Klaus: Well, you did say it was urgent. Oh, don't worry about him, love. He'll never make it through tomorrow night
Haley: What if there are more?
Klaus: You were foolish enough to make a deal with Katerina Petrova. She used you to find the cure, and now you're nothing but a loose end. You'll be lucky if she lets you live
Haley: You said you would protect me
Klaus: And I will, just as soon as you tell me everything you know about Katerina
[Salvatore's House]
(Elena is in the shower and hears Stefan and Damon)
Damon: So that's the plan? You're gonna take her back to school?
Stefan: Well, the fun route didn't exactly pay off, did it?
Damon: I don't know. We got a free meal out of it
Stefan: Look. Do you think I want to go to school and play chaperone? You can't go because you're not a student. Besides, you've got to go look for Katherine. I mean, Elena needs this cure now more than ever
(Caroline enters)
Caroline: Not that anyone asked me, but I think taking her back to school is a great idea
Damon: Why are you here?
Caroline: Blame it on your fancy water filters. Your house has the only vervain-free showers in town
Damon: Oh, yeah. The mayor put vervain in the water supply. So many people to kill
Caroline: Yeah, and my mom says it's about to get worse, so she could use a little help
Damon: Fine. I'll go after the psychotic doppelganger. Stefan, you gonna go talk to the sheriff? Blondie, take her to school
(Elena comes out, completely naked)
Elena: Sounds like fun. What? It's nothing you guys haven't seen before and as for the "going to school" idea... I've got nothing better to do
Damon: Elena, it would make me very happy if you were in school today and studied hard... You know, get involved in whatever activities, and please, for me, no matter what, don't eat anyone. Okay?
[Mystic Falls' High School]
(Caroline is in the hallways, leaving a voicemail to Tyler)
Caroline: Hey, Tyler. It's me checking in. Things are just getting back to normal here, sort of. Elena's not quite there, but we're working on it. Look, I know that you can't call me back, but I keep thinking if I just leave these messages that when you do come home it'll be like you never left. Or that's the hope. Well, I'd better go. I love you, Tyler
(Matt rejoins her)
Matt: Hey, have you seen Bonnie?
Caroline: Yeah. I called her last night. She's fine. She's just a little drained from, you know, everything
Matt: Can't really blame her
(Elena rejoins them)
Elena: I have an idea. Can you get me my old spot back on the cheerleading squad?
Caroline: I mean, technically, yeah. I'm Captain, but I thought you hated cheerleading
Elena: I did, and now I think it would be really fun to jump around and toss people up in the air. It's not like the routines are that hard
Caroline: I... think that would make Damon really happy
[Klaus' Mansion]
(Klaus opens the door)
Klaus: Ah, what an unpleasant surprise
Damon: So I just came up with a list called things you suck at. Number one: Finding Katherine, ever. Number two: Covering up your secret phone conversations to that little backstabber Hayley. Yeah, so where is she, and what does she know about Katherine?
Klaus: I should help you? After you lot killed my brother and imprisoned me in the Gilbert living room?
Damon: You might want to prioritize, Klaus. You have much bigger problems. Katherine has the cure. My guess is she's gonna want to cram it down your throat. You help me find Katherine, I'll get the cure, I'll give it to Elena, everybody wins. Just let me question Hayley about Katherine
Klaus: Can't help you, mate. Hayley's off limits. Although I did have a run-in with a vampire who may know where Katerina is. Too bad for you I bit halfway through his bloody neck he probably won't have much time for chit-chat
[Sheriff's Department]
(Stefan is with Liz in her office)
Liz: The entire supply of blood from the hospital, all the reserves, gone, just vanished
Stefan: I don't understand. Are you accusing us?
Liz: No, I'm not accusing you, but this town is at a tipping point. Any more unexplained house fires, and things are gonna boil over
Stefan: I'm sorry
Liz: I know it's not your fault. It's been a rough week. Miranda Gilbert was one of my best friends in High School. To see what's happened to her family... It's just...
Stefan: Look, Liz... If there's anything I can do to help, I promise I will
Liz: Good. You need to. Whoever stole that blood put a lot of lives in danger and risks exposing all of you, my daughter included. So who can you think of who wants blood that bad, who would be so careless?
[Mystic Falls' High School]
(It's the cheerleading competition. She rejoins Caroline in the gym with the rest of the team. There's a crowd. Elena is wearing her uniform)
Caroline: The uniform still fits. You look fantastic. We are totally gonna kick grove hill's ass
Elena: Yeah. Should be fun
(She sees a girl from the opposite team and listens to her conversation)
Girl: Oh, my God. You guys, I left my makeup back on the bus
Caroline: Wow. The competition's bigger than last year. I'm gonna go stretch
(The girl from the opposite team goes in the bus and finds her make up. When she turns herself, Elena's here)
Elena: I like your ribbon
Girl: Um, thanks
Elena: I want it
Girl: Yeah, but I'm using it, so go get your own
(Elena's face changes. She bites her neck and drinks her blood)
(Elena comes back in the gym. She's wearing the girl's ribbon. Caroline rejoins her)
Caroline: Hey, where were you? We're going on any minute
Elena: I'm here, aren't I?
Caroline: What's with the ribbon? That's not even our colors
(Then she sees that the girl from the opposite team is wearing a scarf around her neck)
Caroline: Are you out of your mind?
Elena: What is your problem?
Caroline: Feeding on the competition? Hello. Did you not hear what Damon told you?
Elena: I did, but who cares? I'll do whatever I want
(Stefan rejoins them)
Stefan: Everything all right?
Elena: Yeah, as soon as the queen backs off, everything will be fine
(She leaves)
Caroline: Remember how Damon sired her to behave? It didn't really work
(Stefan is in the hallways, on the phone with Damon)
Damon: What do you mean, she fed? I specifically told her, no feeding. The sire bond should make her listen
Stefan: Right. That's what I'm saying. The sire bond isn't working
Damon: That's impossible
Stefan: Think about it. Elena's sire bond stems from her feelings for you, right? With her humanity off, she has no feelings
Damon: All I wanted was to break that damn bond. You're telling me now this whole time all she had to do was turn it off? What happens if she turns it back on?
Stefan: I don't know, but more importantly, where are you right now?
Damon: I'm at a truck stop in the boonies looking for a dead vampire that might lead to Katherine and the cure. Look, just grab her and get her home. I'll be there when I can
[Somewhere]
(Rebekah rejoins Damon)
Damon: You. I thought you were still vacationing on Numbskull Island
Rebekah: Well, I was looking for answers, and all I found was your Professor Shane, dead, and with him, anything anyone knows about the cure
Damon: Guess you won't turn into a real girl after all
Rebekah: I'll get the cure. I just need Katherine, and I'm betting you can help me find her
Damon: Why would I help you?
Rebekah: Because I was smart enough to bring a pinch of my brother's blood. How else would you interrogate a vampire who's practically dead from a wolf bite?
Damon: Fine. Follow me. I might know where to look
[Klaus' Mansion]
(Haley and Klaus are eating)
Klaus: So you're rested, you're fed. Tell me about Katerina
Haley: Most men get their power kick from torture and intimidation. With you, it's drinks and fine dining
Klaus: Well, in your case, I favor hospitality over unpleasantness, but I have been known to change my mind on a whim. Where is Katerina?
Haley: You seriously think I know?
Klaus: You tipped her off as to what we were up to and set her on a course to find the cure. In return, she sent her lackey to snuff you out. Tell me, what did Katerina promise you?
Haley: I was in new Orleans trying to find information about my real parents. Katherine found me and told me she could help
Klaus: An orphan? Well, that does explain your charming bravado. Abandonment issues will do it every time
Haley: Sounds like you would know
Klaus: I'm the only one that can protect you. I'm happy to do so, provided you cooperate
[Mystic Falls' High School]
(Stefan rejoins Elena in the hallways. She's stretching)
Stefan: Hey, we need to talk
Elena: So talk. You can help me stretch
Stefan: Did you feed on that cheerleader?
Elena: Maybe
Stefan: I see. You wouldn't happen to know anything about the hospital's missing blood supply, would you?
Elena: Trust me. I'm sick of blood bags. I prefer something a little warmer
Stefan: Look, Elena, I know what you're going through. I was having the time of my life when I first turned, too. I didn't start ripping people's heads off until 1912. The next thing I know, I was killing an entire village
Elena: Am I supposed to be scared of becoming you?
Stefan: Yeah, you are, because I know how deep down you can fall, and I know how difficult it is to climb back out. Come on. You're better than this
Elena: I don't know. Maybe this is the better version of me
Man on p.A.: Up next, Mystic Falls' very own lady Timberwolves
(She goes to the gym)
Caroline: No way. You are not cheering
Elena: Let's see you try and stop me
(They're in the gym about to start)
Man on p.A.: Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for your very own lady Timberwolves
(They start)
Caroline: Ready
The team: L-o-l, o-m-g You're looking at Mystic Falls varsity! B-e-a-t, beat those caps. B-e-a-t, beat those caps. B-e-a-t, beat those caps!
(Elena has to carry Caroline but she steps aside and Caroline falls)
(Elena is outside. Stefan rejoins her)
Stefan: What do you do for an encore?
Elena: I'm pretty sure it doesn't involve another condescending lecture
Stefan: No. I was impressed. Getting yourself on the cheerleading squad. Plenty of vervain-free victims bused in for the competition. You played us all really well
Elena: It wasn't that hard. You want me to be OK so badly that you hear whatever I want you to
Stefan: Right. Well, you know, the problem with the gymnasium is, too many witnesses You got to go somewhere a little more private for some real fun
Elena: Oh, yeah? Where?
Stefan: I know this little dive bar off the beaten path
Elena: Come on. You're bluffing
Stefan: You're forgetting that I had my switch flipped in this town, too. I know where to take someone to have a good time
(He finally vervains her)
Stefan: But first, a little vervain, just to take the edge off
[Grove Hills Hospital]
(Damon and Rebekah are in the hospital)
Rebekah: Why exactly would you think a sick vampire would check into a hospital?
Damon: See that little bright thing in the sky? It's called the sun. He needs to avoid that. Plus the hospital is open 24/7. Not to mention he's hungry and delusional
Rebekah: Impressive. You're like Sherlock Holmes with brain damage
Damon: Stefan said the Mystic Falls hospital had its entire blood bank raided, too
Rebekah: It looks like our vampire gets around
Damon: No. The guy's dying of a werewolf bite. He wouldn't have time to steal from both hospitals. This is someone else
Rebekah: Who?
Damon: That's another problem. But on the plus side, if our guy did by chance come here, he's got nothing, which means he's nearby and he's hungry
Rebekah: This better not be a wild goose chase
Damon: I want to find Katherine as much as you do
Rebekah: Really? Why? I heard your little chat with Stefan. I know Elena has broken the sire bond. So why would you want to find the cure? You'd just cure her back to loving your brother. I think you're better off leaving it for me
[Klaus' Mansion]
(Haley enters Klaus' ''art room''. She looks at his paintings)
Haley: Hate that. Too much. I don't get that. Hmm... I don't care
(She looks at a painting)
Haley: Hmm. This one. It doesn't make me want to puke. Why'd you paint it?
Klaus: Painting is a metaphor for control. Every choice is mine... The canvas, the color. As a child, I had neither a sense of the world nor my place in it, but art taught me that one's vision can be achieved with sheer force of will. The same is true of life, provided one refuses to let anything stand in one's way
Haley: So this is your thing... Show a girl a few mediocre paintings, whine about your childhood, and I swoon and spill all my dirty secrets?
Klaus: I felt I had many charms, but, uh, regardless, I'm enjoying myself
Haley: And you do whatever you enjoy, up to and including hunting my friend Tyler for the next century
Klaus: Oh, surely not the next century. Only until I kill him
Haley: You talk a good game, but the truth is you let him go. My guess: You know if you kill him, Caroline will hate you forever
Klaus: If I simply killed Tyler, my revenge would be over in a moment. Sentencing him to a lifetime of paranoia and fear... That's Tyler's true punishment. But come now. You never really thought there was a future for you two, did you?
Haley: I don't know. He might have left Caroline for me if I'd used the cure to kill you
Klaus: You know, if Tyler has even half your resolve, he may actually make it through the year
Haley: It doesn't take resolve. It takes allies, a network of people willing to do anything for you, including chase down loose ends to their death. That's how Katherine escaped you all this time
Klaus: Perhaps you know the names of Katerina's special little helpers
Haley: Maybe I know one or two. Maybe I'll even tell you
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Salvatore's House]
(Elena wakes up. Stefan's here)
Elena: What'd you do to me?
Stefan: Brought you home before you can cause any more trouble
Elena: So you're grounding me because I dropped Caroline on her thick head
Stefan: No, because you fed on someone... In public
Elena: So? I was hungry
(She takes her uniform off)
Stefan: You're really gonna keep stripping in front of me? It's real mature
Elena: I'm done cheering, so I'm gonna change
Stefan: Sure. When in doubt, manipulate people with s*x. You know, that's the same trick Katherine used to pull
Elena: Don't compare me to Katherine. She's been running so long, she's afraid of her own shadow. I am not afraid of anything. I've shut it all off... all of it, including my feelings for you. But don't get me wrong. I mean, I see you standing there, and you look good. I remember our s*x, and it was good s*x. I just don't feel anything about it anymore. Though you clearly do. Why do you care what I do and who I kill?
Stefan: Because it's my fault that you're like this. I brought this into your life. Look, I've killed hundreds of people, and I have to live with that, but I'm not gonna live with the people that you kill or what that'll do to you. Who are you texting?
Elena: OK. Your whole world revolves around me. Maybe you're the one that needs to turn it all off
(They hear people)
(He goes downstairs and see a lot of people arriving. Elena rejoins him)
Stefan: So that's what all this texting was about? You invited all these people over here
Elena: You were trying to keep me from throwing the party, so... I brought the party here
Stefan: Great. That's great
(Everyone is dancing and drinking. Caroline arrives)
Caroline: I got here as soon as I could. This is insane
Stefan: Yeah. It won't last. They'll either drink all the booze and get bored, or Damon will come home and kill everyone
Caroline: We can't compel them to leave. The locals are all on vervain from the town water supply. So what do we do?
Stefan: I don't know. Enjoy the party, keep Elena from butchering grove hill's cheerleading squad
Caroline: Great. And where is she?
Stefan: Where do you think?
(Elena is dancing and laughing)
Caroline: I almost forgot what that was like
Stefan: What? Elena smiling?
Caroline: No. Fun. I mean, look at her. Yes, this is all very bad, but doesn't she make you just want to let go?
Stefan: Well, unfortunately I have this little problem when I, uh, party too hard. I end up killing people
Caroline: Well, your sober coach is giving you the green light. I mean, come on. You are at a kegger full of hot girls, and you're single, and you're, well, you
Stefan: So, what am I supposed to do, just grab some girl, throw her over my shoulder, take her out onto the dance floor?
Caroline: Just take your own advice. Have fun, you know? We deserve a little bit of fun
(He takes her over his shoulder)
Caroline: Whoa! I didn't mean me!
[Grove Hills' Hospital]
(Damon is feeding on a nurse. Rebekah's here)
Rebekah: Well, nobody could ever mistake you for subtle
Damon: You have to take pride in your work
(He compels the nurse)
Damon: It's OK. Come here. Now you're gonna walk very slowly to your car. Off you go
(She goes to her car)
Rebekah: You know, I just don't see how this increases our odds any
Damon: I've been on the other side of a wolf bite. First you get really sick. Then you get really hungry. Since the sun's gone down, I'm imagining he's gonna be looking for his last supper. I just laid out a 3-course, 115-pound meal for him
(The vampire finally appears. Damon rushes towards him and recognizes him)
Vampire: Damon?
Damon: Will?
Will: Hey buddy. I think there's something wrong with me. I need help
Damon: Yeah. It's OK. Yeah. I know what to do
(He rips his heart out)
Rebekah: What the bloody hell are you doing?
Damon: Too far gone. Put him out of his misery
[Klaus' Mansion]
Klaus: My sister informs me that your vampire assailant is dead, so you're safe and free to go. Or stay
Haley: I could be persuaded to stay, enjoy some of the good life. And maybe I could drum up a few more of Katherine's secrets and you could do something for me
Klaus: Oh, I'm sorry, love. You'll never convince me to let Tyler go free
Haley: Well, then, I guess I'll never get my chance with Tyler any more than you'll get a shot with Caroline. Do you want to know why I like that painting?
Klaus: Well, perhaps it was because it allowed you to see into my deep, wounded soul
Haley: I saw how twisted it really is. And maybe I can relate
Klaus: So what's it gonna be? Going... or staying?
Haley: You like to be in control, you told me
(Ha catches her and kisses her. He lays her on a table and they have s*x)
[Salvatore's House]
(Elena is still partying. She sees that Stefan and Caroline are laughing and dancing together. She rejoins them)
Elena: Look who finally joined the party
Stefan: Yeah. Why? Are you jealous or something?
Elena: No. That would imply emotions, and we've already established those are useless
Caroline: Come on, Elena. Just dance with us
Elena: No. You guys look good together. By all means, Care, just take him out for a spin. He could use it
(She leaves them. Liz enters)
Liz: Elena? What's going on in here?
Elena: Just some underage drinking and drug use
Liz: Where's Stefan?
Elena: He's actually busy flirting with your daughter. But I think he's a good rebound for her because of the whole Tyler thing
Liz: I'm shutting this down right now
Elena: Liz, please. Why don't you just stay and have a drink?
Liz: Elena, take your hand off me
Elena: Either you have a drink, or I will
(Elena pushes her against the wall)
Caroline: Mom!
Liz: It's fine
(Caroline tries to go after Caroline but Stefan stops her)
Stefan: Caroline, calm down
Caroline: Calm down? I'm gonna wring her skinny little neck!
(Elena disappears)
[The woods]
(Stefan and Caroline are looking for Elena)
Caroline: Elena! Where the hell is she?
Stefan: Right where she wants to be. This is completely calculated. She drew all those people to the house, waited for an opportunity to distract us, and now she's free
Caroline: I can't believe she's doing this. I mean, she hurt my mom, Stefan
Stefan: All right, listen. You search the woods. I'll check the road. If you see her, don't hesitate. Just snap her neck, all right?
Caroline: Yeah
Stefan: Ok
[Salvatore's House]
(Damon arrives right in the middle of the party. He takes a bottle from someone)
Damon: Thank you
(He senses that Rebekah's here)
Damon: Will you please just take a hint and leave me alone?
Rebekah: What are you hiding? I know you knew that vampire
Damon: I know a lot of dead people
Rebekah: You killed him to prevent me from finding Katherine to keep me from getting the cure
Damon: Do you really want the cure? I mean really? Look. Let me give you a little bit of advice. See these girls? They look happy now. In 5 years, they're gonna settle for a mediocre starter husband and a mind-numbing career, and about that time, they're gonna realize something you're never gonna have to learn
Rebekah: And what would that be?
Damon: Life sucks when you're ordinary. And what makes you exactly not like them? You're a vampire. You take that cure, become human, well, you're no one, nothing. Trust me. Losing this cure is the best damn thing that ever happened to you
[The woods]
Caroline: Elena! Don't make me fight you, Elena! I'm stronger than you, and I don't want to hurt you
Elena: Who's gonna get hurt?
(They start to fight)
Elena: Not bad. Not technically good, but then again, Alaric didn't train you. You were probably too busy butting into people's business!
(They resume their fighting)
Caroline: Oh, just stop! God. This isn't you, and you know it! You hurt my mom, Elena. How far are you gonna take this?
Elena: Are you trying to make me feel bad for hurting your mom? Don't you get it? I don't care. I mean, maybe you should try to turn it all off. Who knows? You might stop whining about how Tyler left you. An added bonus: You won't have to feel guilty about all the dirty thoughts you have about Klaus
Caroline: Shut up!
Elena: Make me
(They fight)
Elena: You fight like a girl
(They fight and Elena is stronger and is about to kill Caroline but Damon and Stefan intervene. Damon catches her)
Elena: Let go off me!
Damon: I admit, under any other circumstances, this would be a major turn-on. Get her out of here
[Salvatore's House]
(The house is empty. Caroline is in the living room, leaving a voicemail to Tyler)
Caroline: Hey, Tyler. It's me. You'll never believe the crazy day I've had. Look, I know that you said you wouldn't, but I really wish that you would answer. It would be great to talk to you
(She hangs up and Stefan enters)
Stefan: Are you alright?
Caroline: Besides the fact that my best friend tried to kill me?
Stefan: Look, it's not her. You have to remember that. With her emotions off, she's the worst version of herself
Caroline: So how do we get her back? Or what if we can't? Why would she choose to turn her emotions back on? She's an orphan. She just lost her brother. Her life sucks, Stefan. So why would she come back to us?
Stefan: Even when I was at my worst, Elena didn't give up on me. So we can't give up on her. Deal?
(Damon is looking through pictures. Elena is sitting on the bed)
Elena: How much longer am I supposed to sit here?
Damon: Well, I'm not big on goal-setting, but let's just imagine a time when you don't want to kill your best friend
Elena: Are you judging me? How many times have you tried to kill Stefan?
(He finds a picture)
Elena: What is that?
Damon: One of life's many mysteries. Elena, look...
Elena: Don't. Every time someone starts with "Elena," I get some stupid lecture. Everyone just needs to stop telling me that I need to feel. I do feel, Damon. I feel amazing
Damon: You don't want to be like this
Elena: Then how should I be? Should I go back to being the scared little girl who couldn't admit what she wants? Is that how you'd prefer me to go back to being, or... Look. For the longest time, you wanted to be with me, but you were scared that I'd find out how awful you are. But it doesn't matter anymore because I don't care. Be honest. You like me better like this
[Lockwood's Mansion]
(Caroline arrives but can't enter)
Caroline: Matt?
(He's inside)
Matt: Care
Caroline: Matt, why can't I get inside?
Matt: Come in
(She finally can enter)
Caroline: Matt, what's going on?
Matt: Tyler sent me this package in the mail. This is for you
(He gives her a letter from Tyler)
Tyler: Dear care, I miss you more than I can put into words, but I know as long as Klaus is alive, I can't come home. He won't stop trying to kill me, and you won't stop trying to protect me. Which means the only way to make sure you're safe is for me to go and never come back. I left Matt the deed to the house. It will protect you in ways I can't anymore. I will always love you
Caroline: He's not coming back
(She cries)
[Klaus' Mansion]
(Haley gets out of Klaus' bed)
Klaus: Running away, little wolf?
(He sees a mark on her back)
Haley: What?
Klaus: That mark. I've seen it before
Haley: Yeah. It's a birthmark. People have those
Klaus: In my considerable lifetime, I've only seen that mark on a handful of others, all from the same bloodline... A werewolf clan that once thrived throughout much of what we now call Louisiana
Haley: Don't lie to me... Not about this
Klaus: I wouldn't dare. Matters of family are sacred
Haley: Tell me
[Salvatore's House]
(Stefan is in his bedroom. His phone rings. He answers)
Stefan: Sheriff Forbes. Everything OK?
Liz: No, we have a bigger problem
[Damon's car]
(Damon is driving. His phone rings. He answer)
Damon: Hey
Stefan: Where the hell are you?
Damon: Out for a drive. I need some space. It's not me. It's you
Stefan: Well, we got a little problem. You said blood was stolen from grove hill's hospital. The sheriff said there's been report of 6 other blood bank thefts all within 30 Miles of Mystic Falls. Somebody's stockpiling blood It wasn't Elena, and it's not us
Damon: Ok so...
Stefan: I think Silas followed us back from that island. Hasn't fed in 2,000 years, so he would need to gorge on blood. It explains the thefts
Damon: You know, I'm really not in the mood to Scooby Doo our way through the case of the stolen blood supply, so why don't you hold the fort down until I get back, and I'll be in touch, brother
(He hangs up. Elena is next to him)
Elena: He's gonna hate you for that
Damon: Yeah, well, emotions are overrated
Elena: So where are we going?
Damon: A place every newbie vampire should go at least once in their life... New York. The city that never sleeps | Plan: A: Elena's new outlook; Q: What has everyone concerned? A: the best thing; Q: What do Stefan and Damon think going back to high school would be for Elena? A: Caroline; Q: Who is surprised when Elena decides to rejoin the cheerleading squad? A: her pleasure; Q: What does Caroline's shock turn to when Elena's behavior proves dangerous? A: the cure; Q: What do Damon and Rebekah continue to search for? A: Rebekah; Q: Who does Damon work with to find a cure for Elena's illness? A: off-guard; Q: How does Damon's advice catch Rebekah? A: Klaus; Q: Who tries to use Hayley to get information? A: an intriguing discovery; Q: What does Klaus make in the process of trying to get information from Hayley? A: a bored Elena; Q: Who throws a wild party and gets into an ugly fight? Summary: Elena's new outlook has everyone concerned, leading Stefan and Damon to agree that going back to the normal routine of high school would be the best thing for her. Caroline is pleasantly surprised when Elena decides to rejoin the cheerleading squad, but her pleasure turns to shock when Elena's behavior proves dangerous. Not giving up on their search for the cure, Damon and Rebekah work together until his unwanted advice catches her off-guard. Klaus tries to use Hayley to get the information he's after and makes an intriguing discovery in the process. Meanwhile, a bored Elena throws a wild party and gets into an ugly fight. |
ELDER GILMORE'S DINING ROOM
[Lorelai, Rory and Emily are eating chocolate fondue.]
EMILY: This feels so decadent. Isn't this decadent?
RORY: Very decadent.
LORELAI: Are there more marshmallows?
EMILY: All you two have been dipping is the marshmallows! You haven't touched the kiwi, or the pineapple, or the tangelo slices.
RORY: But it's fruit.
EMILY: Fruit is good for you.
RORY: We're fondue purists, Grandma.
LORELAI: Yeah, we dip old school.
EMILY: The government says you should have nine servings of fruit and vegetables per day.
LORELAI: Imperialist propaganda.
RORY: I think Noam Chomsky would agree.
LORELAI: I bet Noam doesn't dip fruit.
RORY: Or laugh. Ever seen that punim on him?
LORELAI: Easter Island.
EMILY: Luminista, please bring more marshmallows.
LORELAI: Bless you.
EMILY: So, I'd love to get your opinion on something.
RORY: Sure.
EMILY: The City Ballet is in trouble. We've given so much over the years, but it's never enough to cover everything they need.
RORY: I hate that.
EMILY: So, we're trying something new. Select patrons, such as myself, are sponsoring individual dancers. Help me pick one.
[Emily opens up a blue folder next to her and hands Rory and Lorelai cards out of it.]
LORELAI: Pick what?
EMILY: My dancer! I get to take one home. Bios are on the back.
LORELAI: And this is legal?
EMILY: Of course it's legal.
RORY [shrugs]: Do you want a boy or a girl, Grandma?
EMILY: I'm thinking a little girl. Cute and petite.
RORY: They're all petite.
LORELAI: But not all cute. This one should fouetter over to the dermatologist.
EMILY: Oh, yes, I'd rather not look at that.
LORELAI: Really, Mom, this is a little bit creepy.
EMILY: It's not creepy! We're endowing dancers so that they don't have to worry about money. It's nice.
LORELAI: Well, Gregorio here looks pretty well-endowed already. [She passes his card to Rory.]
RORY: Here's a little cutie patootie. [She passes the card to Emily.]
EMILY: Oh, she's darling! Look at those little feet!
RORY [to Lorelai]: Whoa, you were right! This Gregorio guy, what's up with that?
EMILY: Rory!
LORELAI: Just a little girl talk, Mom. Who are we offending?
EMILY: Let's make two piles. One for the maybes, one for the nos.
LORELAI: Sandpaper face is a no?
EMILY: Definitely.
RORY: What about Endowment Boy?
EMILY [pause]: The maybes.
RORY: You go, Grandma.
LORELAI: I bet Gregorio would be good dipped in chocolate.
[Rory laughs. Emily looks on, disapprovingly.]
LORELAI: Sorry.
OPENING CREDITS
ELDER GILMORE'S MANSION - DRIVEWAY
[Rory and Lorelai are transferring boxes from Rory's trunk to the back of Lorelai's Jeep.]
LORELAI: I don't know. Adopting a ballet dancer? The whole thing sounds very shady.
RORY: It's good to support the arts any way we can, even the shady-sounding ways. Hey, you took my book bag! I need that!
LORELAI: Oops, sorry. [She pulls the book bag out of her Jeep.] So you really think that transferring your stuff bit by bit like this is the way to go, huh? Easier than renting something, doing it all at once?
RORY: Oh, you really want to re-live the U-haul incident of May 2004?
LORELAI [indignant]: Ah! You make one iffy u-turn.
RORY: We were in a tunnel!
LORELAI: A wide tunnel.
RORY: Going the wrong way down a one-way street.
LORELAI: They don't let you forget.
RORY: Yeah, I've got that elephant's memory when it comes to nearly dying. Hey, you took my book bag again!
LORELAI: Ah!
RORY: So, hey. Let's finalize our plans for Thursday.
LORELAI: Right. So Jackson says that Sookie has been napping between eleven and twelve-thirty every day. We can count on it.
RORY: Must be nice to nap without feeling guilty.
LORELAI: Get pregnant and you'll have an excuse.
RORY: No thanks.
LORELAI: So, meet me at their house at noon. Bring decorations and she'll wake up to a nice, fun, surprise baby shower.
RORY: You got it.
LORELAI: I think it's cool we waited this long to throw it. She's totally not going to expect it.
RORY: Plus we forgot.
LORELAI: But only we know that.
RORY: And I'm not telling.
LORELAI: Good. Bye, hon.
[They kiss on the cheek. Rory closes her trunk.]
RORY: Mom, my purse!
LORELAI: Oh, sorry.
[She gestures hopelessly at the packed-full Jeep.]
LUKE'S DINER
[Kirk is sitting at one of the tables.]
KIRK: Luke, can I have a word with you?
LUKE: Yes.
KIRK: You overcharged me for the toast. It's only supposed to be a dollar.
LUKE: I didn't overcharge you, Kirk. I raised the price of wheat toast. It's a dollar ten.
KIRK: You're kidding.
LUKE: I don't do toast humor.
KIRK: A dollar ten from a dollar? That's a ten percent bump.
LUKE: It's a dime, Kirk.
KIRK: I could refuse to pay.
LUKE: Then I'll steal your bike.
KIRK: That's never worked before.
LUKE: I haven't raised the price of my toast in seven years, Kirk. It's still a bargain.
KIRK: I'll give you a dollar four.
LUKE: No.
KIRK: A dollar five. That's my last offer.
LUKE: Do I look like E-bay?
KIRK: I take my toast dry. Isn't there a butter and jam discount?
LUKE: No.
KIRK: What about your chairs? I'm light, and I tend to plop my butt directly on the chair without sliding, so there's practically no wear and tear.
LUKE: There's no discount for direct butt-plopping.
KIRK: What about -
LUKE: Fine. A dollar five. It's a dollar five. You got it.
KIRK: Thanks. That's very nice of you.
[Lorelai enters.]
LORELAI: Hey!
[They kiss.]
LUKE: You raise something from a dollar to a dollar ten, is that such a big deal?
LORELAI: Well, that's ten percent, so percentage-wise it's not so tiny -
[Luke and Kirk gesture at each other.]
LORELAI: Did I step into something here?
LUKE: You know, I shouldn't have gotten into a business that involves dealing with people. [He points at Kirk above his head.]
LORELAI: Hey. [She holds up a magazine.]
LUKE: Hey! Your cover!
LORELAI: I got an advance copy!
LUKE: Oh, look at the inn! It looks beautiful.
LORELAI: I know.
LUKE: I've got to get a new pair of pants.
LORELAI: Okay. That didn't exactly follow.
LUKE: You know, for the party they're going to throw you.
LORELAI: You don't need new pants. You just need pants. And the party's in New York, so you may not even need pants.
LUKE: I've got to get a copy.
LORELAI [hands him a copy]: You've got a connection.
LUKE: I want to get a bunch, though. Frame one or two of them. How's the article? What's it say?
LORELAI: It was then, sadly, that I discovered Luke could not read.
LUKE: You know what I mean.
LORELAI: People are going to think I wrote it. I mean, it's big. I nearly cried when I read it.
LUKE: Good.
LORELAI: And the fact that when Emily Gilmore reads it, she's going to hire men to attack me with tire irons, well, that's something else altogether.
LUKE: What'd they put in?
LORELAI: Not every heinous thing I said about her, but enough. I mean, it's good stuff, it's funny. Maybe if I just told them not the face.
LUKE: Who?
LORELAI: The guys, with the tire irons.
LUKE: I think you should just show it to her and get it over with.
LORELAI: Mm, maybe. Yeah. You're probably right.
[The phone rings. Caesar picks it up.]
CAESAR: Hello. [Pause] Hold on. [He presses the phone to his chest.] Hey, Luke, it's for you. It's Taylor.
LORELAI: Caesar! You just broke Luke's standing 'when Taylor calls I'm out even if he can see me through the stupid connecting window' rule.
[Taylor gestures excitedly through the window.]
CAESAR: I can tell him you're out, and that Duke, your evil identical twin is in town.
LUKE: No, no. I'll take it. I actually have to discuss something with him. [He takes the phone.] Hello.
TAYLOR: Luke! Hey, buddy!
LUKE: Hey. Buddy.
TAYLOR: So the powers that be have signed off on you purchasing the Twickham house! All that's left is dotting the i's and crossing the t's.
LUKE [calmly]: Okay. Fine.
TAYLOR: Ooh, sorry. Lorelai's there, can't talk now, right?
LUKE: Pretty much.
TAYLOR: You know I'm a bit of a romantic, Luke. The thought of you buying this house for your burgeoning family is quite touching. I almost tear up. Heh. Adds to the tax base, too.
LUKE: Well, good. Talk to you later.
TAYLOR: Goodbye!
[They hang up.]
LORELAI: Wow. You and Taylor seem to be getting on very well these days.
LUKE: Yeah, well. He's been cooperating with me on certain matters.
KIRK [at a table]: Luke! I think the sales tax is off by a penny! In fact, I'm sure of it. I'm ready to go to the mat on this one.
LUKE [to Lorelai]: Those guys with the tire irons. Where did your mother get them?
LORELAI: The D.A.R. And they don't work for outsiders.
LUKE [sighs]: Show me the penny, Kirk.
STAMFORD EAGLE GAZETTE
[Rory gets off the elevator with her arms full of files. She smiles at some men that walk by, and begins hurrying around, busily.]
RORY: Hey, Al. Hey, Pete. Hey, Lance. [Hands a file to a woman.] This goes to metro, a.s.a.p.
WOMAN: Okay.
CHARLIE: Rory, if you see Patel, tell him I'm looking for him.
RORY: Got it.
[She delivers some files to an office full of reporters.]
RORY: Need 'em back by five, gentlemen.
MAN: Thanks, beautiful.
RORY: Manners, boys.
HARRY: Rory, you got those obituaries?
RORY: Yeah, just give me five minutes.
HARRY: Lot of dying today.
RORY: I hear that.
[She hands off her last file to a man rushing down the hall.]
MAN: Thank you!
RORY: Oh, Patel. Charlie wants to see you.
PATEL: You remember Audrey?
RORY: I can.
PATEL: Give her this.
RORY: Okay, will do.
[Logan steps off the elevator.]
LOGAN: Hey, Ace!
RORY: Hey! You're early.
LOGAN: Well, there's a first for everything. Where's the fire?
RORY: Oh, just south of the ninety-five. It's a four-alarm. We've got Kessler on it. [She delivers the file to Audrey.] This is from Patel.
AUDREY: I'm not talking to him.
RORY: I'll tell him. [To Logan] How did you know about the fire?
LOGAN [laughing]: I didn't. I meant where are you going in such a hurry?
RORY: Oh. I'm at half-speed compared to this morning. [They arrive back at her workstation.] Oh, no.
LOGAN: What?
RORY: I'm gone for five minutes and this place becomes a dumping ground.
LOGAN: I'm loving the totally non-generic feel of your space, here.
RORY: I have customized it somewhat. [She points to a picture on the wall.]
LOGAN: Eccentric uncle?
RORY: Brian Eno.
LOGAN: I was close. So let's go.
RORY: It's four-thirty.
LOGAN: So cut out early. There's nothing going on here.
RORY: We're doing our rough front page. We're picking our leads, our photos. It's our busiest part of the day.
LOGAN: So the people of Stamford don't get their paper tomorrow, they'll turn on the radio.
RORY: I can't go.
LOGAN: I know the boss.
RORY: So do I.
LOGAN: But I know how to work the boss. At least a little. I know he's somewhere in the vicinity.
RORY: Who, your dad?
LOGAN: Can't you sense it? The flurry, the shuffle of sycophants -
MITCHUM: Hey! Someone new. Have we been introduced?
[They shake hands over the partition.]
LOGAN: Jose Canseco, post-steroids. Should be a warning to people.
MITCHUM: Are you keeping Rory from her work?
RORY: I was just about to call security.
MITCHUM: Does everyone know about the -
RORY: Noon on Friday, main conference room, come with your game.
MITCHUM: Good. [To Logan] You call your mother about the Vineyard?
LOGAN: She's on my list.
MITCHUM: Push him on that, won't you? [Rory nods.] I'm going to four if you want to catch up.
RORY: Okay.
MITCHUM: See you.
[Mitchum walks down the hall.]
LOGAN: Enjoy four. [To Rory] What's four?
RORY: Fourth floor.
LOGAN: You news people and your jargon.
RORY: We have our own language.
LOGAN: So he treating you all right?
RORY: Who, your dad? They've been great.
LOGAN: You sure?
RORY: Yeah?
LOGAN: Just checking. So what do you think about Friday.
RORY: An excellent alternative to Thursday.
LOGAN: My sister's engagement party?
RORY: Oh, right. I'm going to try. I'm dying to see the yacht.
LOGAN: Well, it's going to be full of Honor's ditzy friends, but the harbor's cool. Try and leave your grandparent's dinner early. They get you every Friday night, why not let me have one?
RORY: You're very one-note today.
LOGAN: Well, I miss you, Ace.
RORY: Well, I'll have more free time once finals are over and summer's here, unless I get that summer job here.
LOGAN: Well, you're probably a shoo-in. My father seems to like you.
RORY: Oh, I hope so! I love it here.
LOGAN: Okay. So, I'll just go hang somewhere till you're done?
RORY: I'll be done six-thirty, seven at the latest.
LOGAN [whining]: Ace!
RORY: Six forty-five.
[They kiss.]
LOGAN: So, maybe I'll be hanging on two, or five. Is that the right
terminology?
RORY: You're getting it!
[He leaves.]
NEW YORK STREET
[Luke and Lorelai are riding around in a limo.]
LORELAI: Come on! Please.
LUKE: I'm done.
LORELAI: No, you can't be done.
LUKE: I'm done!
LORELAI: There's more, I know it! It's germinating.
LUKE: I'm done, I'm at peace. There is no more. [Pause.] Just the smell of Manhattan!
LORELAI: I knew it. There was more.
LUKE: I mean, forget about the smells you can't identify. The ones you can identify are putrid! I mean, if it's not that rank smell of hot dog gushing out of those dirty sidewalk carts, it's the stench of the subway pouring out of the dirty grates! I mean, the manhole-cover steam? God knows what that steam is. You can't get a breath of fresh air!
LORELAI: Go, Luke! Rant, Luke!
LUKE: The whole city is a decaying heap. It's too many people crammed into too many buildings on too small a piece of land. It's an experiment that's failed. They should just give the whole island a push and float it over to Europe.
LORELAI: But after we see Spamalot! Right? I paid a lot for those tickets.
LUKE: I'm fine with an urban environment. But you need land around your space. Air to breathe. [He takes a deep breath.] I'm done again.
LORELAI: I love ranting Luke.
LUKE: Why does this song keep playing?
LORELAI: Because I put the CD player on repeat with my fancy remote in my fancy limo. Hey, do a limo rant. I bet that's a good one.
LUKE: No, that's right they sent you a limo. You deserve it.
LORELAI: And it enabled us to drink and not drive.
LUKE: That's good too.
LORELAI: Hey, I heard there was good food at this party.
LUKE: I heard that too.
LORELAI: Huh. Never made it to the food, did we?
LUKE: I had three peppermints I took from the bowl in the men's room, gave the attendant a five, 'cause it's all I had.
LORELAI: Made it to the bar, though.
LUKE: Yeah. We should've eaten something before we went.
LORELAI: Who knew we'd keep missing the trays?
LUKE: But I'm not hungry. But I'm something, what am I?
LORELAI: You're drunk.
LUKE [laughs]: Right. I haven't been drunk in years.
LORELAI: Hey, have I thanked you enough for escorting me, and being such a good sport and shaking hands with all the big city folk you don't like, and putting extra cherries in my Manhattan?
LUKE: Yeah. You did.
LORELAI: There'll be more thanking. Later on tonight.
[They make out.]
LORELAI: Tastes like peppermint.
LUKE'S APARTMENT - NEXT MORNING
[Lorelai wakes up with Luke's arm over her. She gets up, wrapped in a sheet, and looks around. She finds her dress on the floor near the open door. She looks alarmed.]
SOOKIE'S HOUSE - OUTSIDE
[Lorelai walks around the front of Rory's car.]
LORELAI: Hi, you're late.
RORY [getting out of the car]: Sorry. Oh, it's only a little after noon. I'm not that late.
LORELAI: Well, we have very limited time during Sookie's nap, here. I just don't want to blow it. Hold on. [She notices the bags Rory is carrying.] You went to Doose's for baby shower decorations?
RORY: Well, I didn't know where else to go.
LORELAI: A decoration store.
RORY: Is there such a thing?
LORELAI: Yes. What did you get?
RORY: Um, poppers. Taylor had nine left.
LORELAI: Okay, well, there's ten of us, so someone doesn't get to pop.
RORY: Well, I'll pass on the pop. And there's plates, and cups, and -
LORELAI [grabbing the cups]: Chicks being hatched? That's Easter.
RORY: No, I know, but I figured hatching is birth, so we're right on topic there. Seventy percent off, too.
LORELAI: What else?
RORY: Uh, New Year's Eve balloons with Father Time and the New Year's baby on them. We'll blow them up and cheat the old man side to the wall so we can't see it, and then change the word 'year' so it says 'happy new baby'.
LORELAI: Oh, that's just sad.
RORY: Hey, what's with the attitude?
LORELAI: No attitude.
RORY: You've been Anne Sexton since I pulled up.
LORELAI: Sorry. Think I just slept a little funny. All right. Come on, let's get up in there while we still have the chance.
RORY: Okay.
[They begin to go into the house, but Sookie and Jackson burst through the door. Rory and Lorelai scream as they get pushed out of the way.]
JACKSON: Look out! Coming through!
SOOKIE: It's happening! It's happening!
LORELAI: Oh my God, it's happening?
RORY: You mean it's happening, happening?
SOOKIE: It's coming round the mountain.
RORY: Oh, I can't watch this!
JACKSON: Go get her suitcase! It's by the front door.
RORY: I'll grab her suitcase! [She runs into the house.]
SOOKIE: Oh, I'm freaking out Rory!
LORELAI: It's okay. She's a traditionalist. When she has a baby, she's going to be out in the waiting room, pacing and smoking.
RORY [returning with the suitcase]: We should have thrown her the baby shower earlier! Then I wouldn't have had to watch this.
SOOKIE [getting into the van]: Oh, you guys were going to throw me a baby shower?
LORELAI: We were going to set it up during your nap.
JACKSON: Want a boost?
SOOKIE: I can make it.
RORY [eyes closed tight]: Oh, God.
LORELAI: Watch it.
RORY: Sorry, I just really don't want to see what's coming round the mountain.
JACKSON [getting into the driver's seat]: See you guys at the hospital?
LORELAI: Yeah, you'll see me.
RORY: Yeah, I have to go back to Yale.
LORELAI: Plus she's thoroughly sickened by what's happening to you right now.
RORY: I'm not sickened, it's finals time. I'm stressed.
SOOKIE: Ooh! Contraction!
RORY: Oh, that's pretty sickening.
JACKSON: Hang on.
LORELAI: Sorry you didn't get your party.
SOOKIE: One little no-name to come.
JACKSON: We'll see you there.
LORELAI: See you there.
RORY: Mm-hm.
[Jackson and Sookie drive away. Lorelai looks at Rory, who still has her eyes squeezed shut.]
LORELAI: You are going to open your eyes when you drive back to Yale, right?
RORY: Yes. I'm just giving them a five minute head start. We're taking the same road.
LORELAI: Good thinking, honey. [She kisses her head.] Bye.
RORY: Bye.
[Lorelai leaves. Rory opens one eye and peeks down the street.]
LUKE'S DINER
[Luke serves coffee. Kirk is reading the paper and laughing.]
KIRK: I know he wants the bone. I know there's going to be a complication getting the bone, but Marmaduke still cracks me up every time.
[Luke fills Kirk's coffee cup.]
KIRK: Refills are still free, right?
LUKE: Yep. They're still free.
[The phone rings. Luke picks it up.]
LUKE: Luke's.
TAYLOR: Luke, it's Taylor.
LUKE: Oh, hey, Taylor, how's it going?
TAYLOR: Not so well. I mean, for you. It's going very well for me. I just had a group of German tourists come in and they've been shoveling it in since they sat down.
LUKE: What do you mean, it's not going well for me?
TAYLOR: It's the Twickham house. Someone has put in a competing offer.
LUKE: A competing - Taylor! You promised that house to me!
TAYLOR: And I did all that I could! But this other offer includes a substantial down payment in cash! The powers that be are seriously considering selling the house to this fellow townsman of yours!
LUKE: I'll up my offer.
TAYLOR: This guy'll just up his, then! He's got vast resources!
LUKE: How many resources can he have? He's living in Stars Hollow!
TAYLOR: Luke, he's willing to put down a quarter of a million dollars!
LUKE: What? That can't be right!
TAYLOR: That's what it is.
LUKE: I know everyone in this stinking town. What fellow townsman has a quarter of a million dollars in cash?
TAYLOR: I'm not sure I'm at liberty to say.
LUKE: Tell me, Taylor.
TAYLOR: Okay.
[Camera shows Luke's shocked expression.]
LUKE: Say that name again? [Pause. Blank stare.] I'll talk to you later.
[He walks over to Kirk's table.]
KIRK: Sally Forth is on fire today. On fire!
LUKE: Where did you get a quarter of a million dollars!
KIRK: What? I don't have a quarter of a million dollars.
LUKE: You don't?
KIRK: No. Just shy. It's $247, 868. Sixty-seven, if I get a couple of donuts to go. Those chocolate raised are calling my name.
LUKE: Where the hell did you get that much money?
KIRK: I've been working for eleven years, Luke. I've had fifteen thousand jobs. I've saved every dollar I've ever made. That and the miracle of compound interest has created a bounty of a quarter of a million dollars. Again, just under. I don't want to brag.
LUKE: You put a competing offer on the Twickham house.
KIRK: That's right. It's the perfect place for me and Lulu.
LUKE: You know I have an offer on that house.
KIRK [shrugs]: I've heard talk to that effect.
LUKE: Take it back. Take back the offer.
KIRK: No. You take yours back.
LUKE: I had a deal with Taylor before you even knew that house was available!
KIRK: You get it in writing?
LUKE: No! But -
KIRK: Mm. An oral agreement's only as good as the paper it's written on. Hey, that would be a good line for Dennis the Menace after he fails to mow Mr. Wilson's lawn. I should send that in.
LUKE: This is not going to go down this way. You are not getting that house.
KIRK: Au contraire, my friend. I happen to know that your credit's not exactly stellar.
LUKE: My credit?
KIRK: Granted, you've got some real estate holdings, but your cash flow's been flat for three years, and unless you're willing to sell off assets, you may be able to swing no more than a five percent down payment, which makes you a real estate risk.
LUKE: How do you know the state of my assets?
KIRK: That's the power of deep pockets, Luke. Put a solid buck in the right hands and they babble like parrots.
LUKE: Well, I am one of Stars Hollow Bank's oldest customers. I'm not anticipating any problems.
KIRK: Well, I'm Stars Hollow Bank's biggest customer. I think that means more.
LUKE: I don't believe this! You're swimming in cash and you fought me over a ten cent raise on toast!
KIRK: And you folded like a road map. That might explain the discrepancy in our net worths. So, I think I will have those donuts to go. You've got change for a hundred, right?
[Luke stares at him, then marches out, slamming the door.]
TAYLOR'S ICE CREAM SHOP
[Taylor is still serving the Germans.]
TAYLOR: Das ist gut, ya?
[Luke storms in.]
LUKE: I want to talk to the town elders!
TAYLOR: The town elders?
LUKE: You keep talking about the powers that be. That's the town elders, right?
TAYLOR: Yes.
LUKE: Well, they oversee the town assets, the real estate, I want to see them.
TAYLOR: They won't go for that, Luke.
LUKE: Why?
TAYLOR: It isn't how it's done! They don't deal with the public. They're the final arbiters. What they say goes.
LUKE: I'm seeing them.
TAYLOR: But -
LUKE: Arrange it.
[Luke glares, and then leaves.]
HOSPITAL - MATERNITY WARD
[Jackson is walking alongside Sookie, who is being pushed in a wheelchair by a nurse. Lorelai follows behind. They arrive at Sookie's room.]
JACKSON: Are you breathing, honey?
SOOKIE: I'm breathing. Hey, was that Andy Dick out in the hallway?
JACKSON: No, honey. This happened last time. You go into labor, you start thinking you see famous people.
SOOKIE: Right. Suddenly my midwife was Wolf Blitzer.
LORELAI: Hey, you need me to unpack you?
NURSE: You probably don't have to. We have everything she needs all set up. [She leaves the room.]
JACKSON: You know, we guys always pack a suitcase. Useless. So, have you been thinking about names? I'm leaning toward Ethan for a boy. Or Glenda if it's a girl. Although I like Martha, too. And Rupert for a boy.
SOOKIE: They're all good, sweetie.
JACKSON: Hey, whatever we don't use, we just save for the next one, right?
SOOKIE: Right, right. The next one.
JACKSON [to Lorelai]: Hey, will you stay with her? I've got to go call my most delivery guys and let them know what's happening.
LORELAI: Yep. I'll be here. [Jackson leaves.] Comfortable?
SOOKIE: I am, Penelope Cruz.
[They laugh. Lorelai pulls an apple out of her purse.]
SOOKIE: Really?
LORELAI: What?
SOOKIE: You're eating an apple?
LORELAI: Oh, I'm sorry. I'll put it away.
SOOKIE: No, eat! I'm just surprised, it's not your thing.
LORELAI: I know! But we were by a vending machine checking you in. It was there, and it looked good. [She takes a bite.]
SOOKIE: It does look good. Oh, it looks like Ben Stiller.
LORELAI: Hm. [She examines the apple.] Um, hey, Sookie, um, when did you know for sure?
SOOKIE: About what?
LORELAI: That you were pregnant. How could you tell?
SOOKIE: Don't you remember? 'Norman Mailer!'
LORELAI: Mm. Right, right. Norman Mailer.
SOOKIE: I wonder how Norman is. I had a dream about him the other night, and he was yelling at someone to shut up and read Joyce.
LORELAI: How long was the Norman Mailer moment after you and Jackson, uh, conceived?
SOOKIE: Wow. Uh, well, I don't know, a few weeks?
LORELAI: It was weeks?
SOOKIE: I think.
LORELAI: And you didn't know before? Not a feeling, or anything?
SOOKIE: I don't know. You've had one before, don't you remember?
LORELAI: Yeah. It's been a while.
SOOKIE: Why are you asking?
LORELAI: Oh, I don't know. Just being in a maternity ward makes me wonder about these things.
NURSE [arriving]: I'm going to see how far along she is. We'll be a couple of minutes.
LORELAI: Oh, sure. [She whispers to Sookie] She looks like Marlo Thomas.
SOOKIE: See? It's not just me.
LORELAI: I'll be outside.
[Lorelai walks out into the waiting area. She interrupts a doctor who is walking by.]
LORELAI: Oh, excuse me, uh, Doctor?
DOCTOR: Yes.
LORELAI: Hi. You're not off to save a life, are you?
DOCTOR: Not at the moment.
LORELAI: Okay. Just, quick question. Um, pregnancy tests. What's the deal with them now? I haven't taken one in a couple of decades, and I was just wondering if they work any differently.
DOCTOR: No, they're more accurate now, but the process is similar.
LORELAI: Okay, so let's say you do it. Have s*x. You know. How soon after can a test tell you anything?
DOCTOR: At least two weeks.
LORELAI: Not two days?
DOCTOR: It won't be definitive after just two days.
LORELAI: Boy. Sword of Damocles is really hovering over you for a couple weeks, there, huh?
DOCTOR: Pretty much.
LORELAI: Home tests can be pretty tricky, too. Can't buy one where I live, because people would see, and talk - it's a small town. And even afterwards, the garbage man could see the box in the trash, and blab, and you know, I like my garbage man, but again, it's a small town. It's not your problem. So, there's no machine?
DOCTOR: Machine?
LORELAI: Yeah, a machine you could stick me in. You know, putting pig vessels in people. Isn't there a machine that could tell me right away, away from the prying eyes of the garbage man?
DOCTOR: You really need to wait and take the test at the proper time.
LORELAI: Okay, see, I'm eating an apple. Now, normally, this would not be a sign of anything except hunger. Except I don't eat much fruit. I know I should, but I don't have a hankering for it. Had it when I was pregnant with my first kid, though. Kept craving those apples. And this morning, boy, was I craving an apple.
DOCTOR: Well, that could be a sign.
LORELAI: It could?
DOCTOR: Or not.
LORELAI: Okay. You're nice. You're sweet. I've taken up too much of your time. Thank you.
DOCTOR: No problem.
LORELAI: Okay.
[The doctor leaves her. Her cell phone rings.]
LORELAI: Hello?
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Scene cuts from Lorelai in the waiting room to Emily in her living room.]
EMILY: Lorelai, it's your mother. I just have a quick question.
LORELAI: Okay.
EMILY: Well, I got my ballerina.
LORELAI: Oh, which one? Sachenka?
EMILY: No, I waited too long, and Mitzi Hertford sure scooped her up. It's okay, because Sachenka tore a ligament last year and is probably washed up. I got Paola.
LORELAI: Oh, Paola.
EMILY: Blond hair, bullet body. So petite, but thighs that could break concrete.
LORELAI: Sounds good.
EMILY: They delivered her this morning and I have to tell you, it's been so much fun! She speaks this charming broken English, and everything is so new and fresh to her.
LORELAI: I'm glad. So what's up?
EMILY: Well, Paola wandered into your room looking for the bathroom, she really doesn't know left from right, and she found that old toy of yours, the magic eight ball.
LORELAI: I can't believe that's still there.
EMILY: And she is mesmerized by it. She's been playing with it ever since, asking it questions. She won't put it down. And I was just wondering if I can let her keep it?
LORELAI: Oh, sure.
EMILY: It's practically glued to her hand.
LORELAI: Hmm. Whatever Paola wants, Paola gets.
EMILY: Good. Thank you!
PAOLA [from behind Emily]: It is yes! Yes! I'm going to be rich!
EMILY: I just want to hug the stuffing out of her! You'll meet her tomorrow night at dinner.
LORELAI: I'm looking forward to it.
EMILY: Bye, and thanks again!
LORELAI: Bye, Mom.
[She hangs up, and dials another number. Scene cuts to Rory in the dining hall at Yale.]
RORY: Hey, how's it going?
LORELAI: Oh, fine. She's all checked in, breathing normally, contracting painfully. The cursing should start any time now, everything's as it should be.
RORY: Good. I mean, that was weird, wasn't it? She was like, what, a week and a half early?
LORELAI: Yeah, those little buggers tend to come when they want to come.
RORY: I still can't get 'coming round the mountain' out of my mind. It's like one of those phrases, like 'drop it like it's hot' that I really wish I'd never heard.
LORELAI: Hey, um. [She glances at the guy sitting to her right, and gets up.] You're doing everything you need to do in that area, right?
RORY: What area?
LORELAI: Um, protection, to prevent something from coming round the mountain.
RORY: I hope so!
LORELAI: Hope? This is not an area where hope is good enough.
RORY: I think I have it covered, and that wasn't meant to be a euphemism.
LORELAI: Okay, 'think' is not good enough either. What kind of birth control do you use?
RORY: Um. [She glances around her.] I'm in the dining hall!
LORELAI: That was not my question.
RORY: People are, like, three feet away from me.
LORELAI: Listen, all I'm saying is you cannot leave it up to the guy, okay? They are not reliable.
RORY: I don't leave it up to the guy!
LORELAI: They get into this state, you know? Primordial. It's all very exciting, but so is eating a gallon of pudding, and believe me, you are going to regret that later. I use that as an example because I know you like pudding.
RORY: Okay.
LORELAI: You have got to figure, if he shoots, he scores. I mean, look around you. [She looks around.] There are babies popping out all over the place.
RORY: You are in a maternity ward! You've got a skewed sample there.
LORELAI: So you're caught up on the subject?
RORY: You've caught me up. Society has caught me up. The health channel on cable has caught me up. Miss Driscoll, the sad spinster gym teacher at Stars Hollow High has caught me up -
LORELAI: Miss Driscoll. Right, like she would ever need birth control.
RORY: I'm caught up. Honest.
LORELAI: Okay. Good.
RORY: Mom. What's going on with you?
LORELAI: Nothing.
RORY: Mom.
LORELAI [sighs]: I might be pregnant.
RORY: Oh. [Pause] So, that's where this is coming from.
LORELAI: I blame Mom. She never sat me down for the talk. And Miss Driscoll. She had her chance too, all those PTA meetings, and all she ever talked about was golf.
RORY: How did this happen? I mean, if it's true?
LORELAI: Luke and I came home from the magazine party the other night. We were a little loopy and it got - primordial. All roadblocks down. I mean, I was always beyond careful. The last time I had my roadblocks down was, I don't know, count how old you are to the day and add nine months.
RORY: But, that doesn't mean -
LORELAI: I just ate an apple.
RORY: Uh oh.
LORELAI: Yeah, and I liked it.
RORY: Whoa.
LORELAI: My body is telling me something.
RORY: Maybe it's not telling you what you think it is. Maybe it's just telling you to better comply with the government's recommendations for fruit and vegetable intake. That's not just propaganda, you know.
LORELAI: Maybe.
RORY: And -
LORELAI: What?
RORY: Well, would it be so horrible? I mean, it's Luke. [Pause.] It is Luke?
LORELAI: Yes, it's Luke!
RORY: Well, you guys are so close, it could be headed somewhere.
LORELAI: I know, but not right now, hon. It's early for us. You know? I mean, my life is going really good, just the inn and this new potential opportunity, and, you know. I just got rid of you. It's the first time in my life I've gotten to feel like a single, grownup woman. Now is just not the right time.
RORY: Okay. Well, maybe it's not true.
LORELAI: Yeah. Maybe.
RORY: But what are you going to do if it is?
LORELAI: I could really use my magic eight ball about now. I'm going to let you go, hon.
RORY: Keep me posted.
LORELAI: Okay. Bye.
[They hang up. Lorelai watches a pregnant woman get pushed by in a wheelchair.]
STAMFORD EAGLE GAZETTE - CONFERENCE ROOM
[Rory is setting out notepads and pencils around the empty table. Mitchum enters.]
MITCHUM: I'm early?
RORY: A little.
MITCHUM: It's not ten after twelve?
RORY: Oh, your watch must be fast.
MITCHUM: My wife probably set it ahead to get me home earlier. Never works.
RORY: It's eleven forty-nine.
MITCHUM [re-sets his watch, looks around]: Charmless, isn't it?
RORY: The room?
MITCHUM: Needs plants.
RORY: I can get plants.
MITCHUM: Ever been to the Tribunals? Chicago?
RORY: No.
MITCHUM: Cathedrals. Go if you ever get the chance.
RORY: I will.
[Her cell phone rings. She ignores it.]
MITCHUM: Going to get that?
RORY: Um, I'm not done here.
MITCHUM: You've got ten minutes. [He sits.] I'm going to stay here, catch up on e-mails and make everyone really uncomfortable that I beat them here.
RORY: Sounds good. [She answers her phone and stands outside the door.] Hey you!
LORELAI: It's a girl.
RORY: A girl? Oh good, we need a girl!
LORELAI: Why do we need a girl?
RORY: I don't know. Aren't there enough guys walking around out there?
LORELAI: Well, it's a beautiful girl, name to come, and Sookie's fine, Jackson's fine, everyone's fine.
RORY: Good.
LORELAI: Fourteen hours of labor was the downside, but Sookie has the rest of her little girl's life to get back at her for that.
RORY: I love the circle of life.
LORELAI: And there's more good news.
RORY: What?
LORELAI: It was a false alarm. I'm not pregnant. The crisis has passed.
RORY: Oh, Mom. Good. I'm glad.
LORELAI: You're glad? Huh. As the sight of babies isn't freaking me out anymore, I can enjoy the maternity ward again.
RORY: So what was with the apple?
LORELAI: I don't know. But I just had a Moonpie and a Ding-Dong and washed it down with an Orange Crush in the cafeteria, so no desire for anything nutritional.
RORY: Oh, thank God. I'm glad, Mom.
LORELAI: Yeah. So, listen. How about we reschedule Sookie's baby shower?
RORY: How? It's too late.
LORELAI: No. We'll throw a 'Welcome to the Earth, Baby Girl Belleville' party. Did you save the decorations?
RORY: Still in my car.
LORELAI: How about Saturday morning? That's when she gets home. Just come back with me tonight after dinner, we'll set it up at her house.
RORY: Sounds good. Hey, um, did you ever mention this pregnancy scare to Luke?
LORELAI: My God, no. Can you imagine? 'Uh, Luke, you're going to be a daddy.' Suddenly there's nothing left but a puff of smoke and a baseball cap spinning on the floor.
RORY: Yeah. He never seemed much like a family guy. This is for the best. Listen, um, I've got to get back. We have a big staff meeting in a few minutes and I want to get back and make sure everything's set up and ready.
LORELAI: I'll see you tonight, my one and only offspring.
RORY: Bye.
LORELAI: Bye.
[They hang up. Lorelai watches another woman in a wheelchair being pushed along. She smiles and calls out to her husband.]
LORELAI: Congratulations!
MAN: Thanks.
HOSPITAL -SOOKIE'S ROOM
[Jackson picks up the baby and walks over to Sookie in the bed.]
JACKSON: She's sound asleep.
SOOKIE: I'm not so bright-eyed myself.
JACKSON: Hey, before you go to sleep, we should probably decide on a name.
SOOKIE: I know. Names are so hard.
JACKSON: But the good thing, whatever names we don't use now, we just use on the next one.
SOOKIE: Yeah. You know, we need to talk about that.
JACKSON: Sure.
SOOKIE: I probably should have brought it up sooner, sorry.
JACKSON: No problem. What?
SOOKIE: You're getting a vasectomy.
JACKSON: What?
SOOKIE: You're getting a vasectomy.
JACKSON [laughs]: You got me. You got me. You're funny. Dark, but funny.
SOOKIE: I'm not joking, sweetie. We're cutting that tube. If it is a tube. I'm not really up on the procedure. The doctor doing it will be, though, so I'm sure he'll know.
JACKSON [stunned]: You're not kidding.
SOOKIE: I'm not kidding.
JACKSON: Sookie, come on!
SOOKIE: Jackson, we have one of each. We've kept the species going.
JACKSON: But I wanted four!
SOOKIE: And I wanted three. This is a good compromise.
JACKSON: I'm sorry. Two is not a compromise between three and four.
[A tall male nurse enters behind Jackson.]
SOOKIE: This is Reggie, he's going to take you down and have it done.
JACKSON: I'm having it done today?
SOOKIE: Yep.
JACKSON [looks at Reggie]: They sent the big nurse.
SOOKIE: Just in case.
[Another nurse takes the baby away from Jackson.]
JACKSON: Hey!
SOOKIE: You'll get her back afterwards. Now, it's just a quick outpatient procedure! You go in, lie down, close your eyes, snip snip, and you're shooting blanks.
JACKSON: Is this all I'm having done today, or do I need to get some glute
implants or something?
SOOKIE: It's everything, I promise. Kiss before you go. [They kiss.] Hey, I just thought of the perfect name. First name Martha, middle name Janice-Lori-Ethan-Rupert-Glenda-Carson-Daisy-Danny.
JACKSON [smiles]: You got them all in.
SOOKIE: Now go get cut.
[Jackson goes. The nurse brings Sookie the baby.]
ELDER GILMORE'S HOUSE - FRONT DOOR
[The doorbell rings. Emily answers it. Lorelai is holding a bag.]
LORELAI: Hi, Mom.
EMILY: Lorelai, come in, come in. I want you to meet my special guest.
LORELAI: I'm curious to meet her.
[Emily smirks and lets her in. A young man is standing in the foyer.]
LORELAI: Oh, boy. She sure looked different in her picture.
EMILY: This is Mikhail. Mikhail, my daughter Lorelai.
LORELAI [waves]: Hi.
MIKHAIL: Hello.
LORELAI: What happened to Paola?
EMILY: Oh, that annoying little stick? She drove me crazy.
LORELAI: Hm. You loved her.
EMILY: There was something wrong with her. So flighty, so skinny. She made no noise when she walked, so you couldn't hear her coming. I felt like I was being stalked by an elf.
[The maid quietly walks up beside Lorelai and takes her coat.]
LORELAI: Thank you.
EMILY: She had the mentality of a preschooler. If she was sitting when she laughed, she would clap her feet together. Smoked like a fiend, too.
LORELAI: Uh-huh.
EMILY: And she kept playing with that obnoxious magic eight ball of yours. She'd ask it the same question over and over until she got the answer she wanted. I told her that's not how it works. You're supposed to accept the first answer it gives you and that's that, but no. She kept going. I wanted to stick the little twig in the garbage disposal. So I exchanged her for Mikhail.
LORELAI: Really? You can do that, just trade her in for another human being?
EMILY: I paid for her, Lorelai, and she wasn't what I wanted.
LORELAI: All right.
EMILY: Isn't he stunning?
LORELAI: He's easy on the eyes, yes.
EMILY: You should see him stretch. Do you want Luminista to take your bag?
LORELAI: No, I'm going to keep it with me. There's something I want to show you.
EMILY: Oh, good. Shall we go in the living room? He's learning English, so keep your words short. [Slowly] Living room!
MIKHAIL [gestures for them to lead the way into the room]: Yes, please.
EMILY: What a value.
STAMFORD EAGLE GAZETTE
[The staff meeting is going on. Mitchum has his feet up on the table and Rory is watching attentively from the corner.]
SAM: How interested are Stamford residents in a city forty miles away?
LUCILLE: They're interested.
SAM: That just takes resources away from covering local events.
LUCILLE: That are less interesting than events taking place in New York City.
SAM: If they're that interesting, we should take a couple of our own calendar staffers. Freelancers are a pain in the butt.
LUCILLE: So, Franz Ferdinand comes to New York, forget freelancers, you'll go cover it?
SAM: I didn't say that. Who's he?
[The other staff laugh at him.]
HARRY: He's a band.
SAM: Watch it, Pisher.
MITCHUM: Even I knew that, Sam.
SAM: Mitchum, please. Arbitrate.
MITCHUM: And spoil the fun? No way.
SAM: It's your money.
LUCILLE: Money well spent.
LLOYD: It's not your money, Lucille.
MITCHUM: Look, keep the system as is. We don't even have office space for extra people, let alone the budget. Go to Universities. [He glances at Rory. She nods back.] Yale, wherever. Get volunteers to pick up what our staff can't cover. Those kids jump at the chance.
HARRY: I'll pick up some slack.
SAM: After you pick up my dry cleaning, right?
HARRY: I'll pick that up too.
MITCHUM: Good, Harry, don't let him push you around.
CHARLIE: Are we going to end this marathon before we get to subscriptions? Please say no.
SAM: Charlie's feeling neglected again.
MITCHUM: Where are we with our sales department, Charlie?
CHARLIE: Abundant turnover. We have to start paying more.
MITCHUM: Oh!
LUCILLE: That got the boss where it hurts.
MITCHUM: Minimum wage plus twenty percent commission?
CHARLIE: And all the stale pastry they can eat.
MITCHUM: Up it to thirty.
LLOYD: Okay, now I'm in pain.
MITCHUM: Crunch the numbers, Lloyd, and get them to me. You never go behind the back of Captain Crunch!
LLOYD [to Charlie]: We should get together Monday.
MITCHUM: Let's all resume this Monday. Go home! [They get up to leave.] Meet your kids, feed your dogs! Have a good one.
[The room empties.]
RORY: That was fun.
MITCHUM: Yeah. Yeah, that's the way those things should go. Give and take. The less I say, the better.
RORY: Can I get you anything?
MITCHUM: No, I'm about to take off, here.
RORY: Okay.
MITCHUM: So, I'm going to be pulling back here soon.
RORY: From the paper?
MITCHUM: I've done my damage. It's time for them to take it and make something of it.
RORY: Oh. Okay.
MITCHUM: I'll probably be in Monday, maybe Tuesday, then not so much, after that.
RORY: Well, I'm happy to keep going. Even without you here.
MITCHUM: You know, you and I haven't really sat down and talked about the situation, about how you're doing here, and all.
RORY: Well, you've been busy.
MITCHUM: I've meant to. Offered you the job, took you under my wing. It's part of the deal.
RORY: Great! I'd love your feedback.
MITCHUM: Go on and sit.
[They sit down, Rory with a notepad.]
MITCHUM: I've worked with a lot of young people over the years. Interns, new hires. I've got a pretty good gut sense for people's strengths and weaknesses. Whether they have that certain something to make it in journalism. It's a tough business. Lot of stress.
RORY [smiling]: Definitely.
MITCHUM: And I have to tell you. You don't got it.
[Rory is stunned.]
MITCHUM: Now, guts can be wrong. Mine's been wrong before. But not often.
RORY: I thought I was doing okay.
MITCHUM: I just don't really think that you have the drive to put yourself out there, to be honest. To get a story. To dig. I mean, just now in this meeting, I encouraged everyone to say whatever they wanted. You said nothing.
RORY: I wasn't sure if I should.
MITCHUM: Exactly. I mean, you saw Harry. He jumped right into the fire. You didn't.
RORY: But Harry's not an intern!
MITCHUM: Doesn't matter.
RORY [near tears]: I've always done what's asked of me.
MITCHUM: See, the thing is, in the real world, it's not always good enough to do just what's asked of you.
RORY: But I thought I was in a really good rhythm with everyone here.
MITCHUM: I'm not saying you're not competent. You're smart. You're terrific at anticipating needs. Actually, you'd make a great assistant.
RORY: Oh.
MITCHUM: I'm sorry. It's not my pleasure to disappoint someone like you. Especially you. What with the extenuating circumstances. But it's healthy. I don't know any other way. I don't B.S.
RORY: I should get back.
[She gets up and heads for the door. Mitchum stands up.]
MITCHUM: Hey, listen. I know this is rough, but, uh, I may have just done you a big favor.
RORY: Oh. Okay. Thanks.
[She walks out and back to her workstation. She looks extremely troubled.]
STEAM ROOM
[Kirk and Luke are standing before the town elders. Kirk is in a towel. Luke is fully dressed.]
KIRK: He had no contract. He had nothing in writing. Granted, his offer matched the fair market value of the property but it was a rigged bid situation. The house wasn't even officially listed for sale.
TAYLOR: It wasn't a rigged bid, Kirk!
ELDER #1: That's for the courts to decide.
ELDER #2: Get to the point, Kirk.
KIRK: The house should be re-listed. You should take the best offer from the person with the best chance of securing financing. That person is me.
ELDER #2: All right. Luke, what do you have to say to that?
LUKE: What the hell are we doing in a steam room?
TAYLOR: Luke, I explained to you that if you wanted to see the town elders you had to do it on their terms.
LUKE: This is ridiculous. I can't think in here.
ELDER #1: You should strip and get in a towel!
LUKE: I'm not getting in a towel.
KIRK: I think he's got body issues.
LUKE: I don't have body issues. I just don't agree with what's going on. How it's going on.
KIRK: Town elders, I don't think it's appropriate for the defendant to address you in this tone, is it?
LUKE: I'm not the defending, Kirk. This isn't a court. It's not even a room. It's a box full of hot air.
KIRK: Now he's insulting you.
LUKE: Listen. Old guys. I should get the house.
ELDER #2: Watch your manners, young man!
LUKE: I can get a loan -
KIRK: But I have deep pockets! Not now, I mean, right now I'm naked, but my pants have pockets.
LUKE: Who are you guys, anyway? What gives you the authority to make town decisions?
TAYLOR: Luke, this isn't helping.
KIRK: He's a hothead with body issues and shallow pockets.
LUKE: This isn't right. Taylor and I had an agreement.
KIRK: He needs therapy and probably pills.
[The elder in the back corner, who has kept his face hidden, speaks up.]
SUPREME ELDER: Luke should get the house.
LUKE: What?
KIRK: What?
SUPREME ELDER: It's the right thing to do. Kirk may have a better claim technically, but Luke wants it more.
KIRK: But -
SUPREME ELDER: I knew Luke's father. His grandfather. We all did. He'll care for the house because he cares so much about it. He wants it for him and Lorelai.
LUKE: For me and - [He points accusingly at Taylor] Did you -
SUPREME ELDER: We all watched Luke pine for Lorelai for nine long years. He waited for her while she went through her many relationships. He won her. Now he wants this for her. And for the others.
LUKE: Others? What others?
SUPREME ELDER: You'll bring children into the house.
KIRK: I'll bring children into the house, too! Maybe not my own.
SUPREME ELDER: It's right for Luke to have it. Kirk is young. There'll be other places for him to go. That's what I think.
ELDER #2: Well I agree.
ELDER #1: Me too. Luke should get the house.
KIRK: Rip!
LUKE: Thank you. Thank you, sir.
KIRK: Hey, Luke, it's a big yard you'll have there. A lot of lawn. I was wondering if we could talk about my rendering garden services? I have tools.
[Luke walks out of the steam room, followed by Kirk.]
ELDER GILMORE HOUSE
[Lorelai, Emily and Mikhail are in the living room.]
MIKHAIL: Sarrusta.
EMILY: Sarrusta.
MIKHAIL: Fantastic.
EMILY: And where is your town, Sarrusta?
MIKHAIL: Just outside Moscow.
EMILY: It sounds wonderful.
MIKHAIL: Our people die very young there.
EMILY: Oh. Well, that doesn't sound so good. [To Lorelai] What's in the bag?
LORELAI: Hm?
EMILY: You've been clutching that bag all night. What's in it?
MIKHAIL: She's got mystery bag.
EMILY: A mystery bag! Yes! What's in the mystery bag?
LORELAI: Oh. Well, um, this is my cover story.
EMILY: Your cover story? I thought it wasn't coming out for two weeks. Let me see that.
[She reaches out for it.]
LORELAI: Okay.
[She smiles nervously and pulls a magazine out of the bag. She passes it across to Emily.]
EMILY: Lorelai owns an inn, uh, what would you call it, maybe a dacha?
MIKHAIL: Dacha? Yes.
EMILY: This is it. [She shows him the photo on the cover.]
MIKHAIL: Ah, fantastic!
LORELAI: Thank you.
MIKHAIL: Great dacha, this dacha!
EMILY: Are there other pictures with the article?
LORELAI: Uh-huh. Go ahead and read it. We have time before dinner, right?
EMILY: We can't start dinner till Rory gets here. [To Mikhail] You're going to love my granddaughter. You'll just want to pick her up and throw her in the air. Give one to Mikhail, it's how he's learning English.
LORELAI: Got plenty to go around.
[She passes him a magazine. Emily flips hers open.]
EMILY: Oh, gorgeous!
LORELAI: Yes.
EMILY [smiles up at Lorelai]: It's a rave.
LORELAI: We got lucky.
[Lorelai watches Emily read. Emily's expression gets more serious. Lorelai jumps up.]
LORELAI: I'll be right back.
[Mikhail stands politely.]
EMILY: Where are you going?
LORELAI: Uh, I'll just, I'll be right back. Sit, Mikhail. I mean, I didn't mean that as a command. But please, have a seat. I'll just, I'm going to -
[She leaves the room. Emily and Mikhail keep reading.]
RICHARD'S STUDY
[Lorelai enters and closes the door behind her. We hear Emily's reaction to the article.]
EMILY [OS]: Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Lorelai!
[Her brisk footsteps approach the door. Lorelai locks it.]
EMILY [OS]: Lorelai! Are you in there?
LORELAI: No!
[Emily jiggles the door.]
EMILY [OS]: Come out of there.
LORELAI: No.
EMILY [OS]: This is pathetic!
LORELAI: I know.
EMILY [OS]: The things you say in this!
LORELAI: I, I know.
EMILY [OS]: Calling me Pol Pot!
LORELAI: Mom, it was meant as a joke! The Pol Pot, the walking anthrax. I was just being edgy, like Chris Rock!
EMILY [OS]: Walking anthrax!
LORELAI: You haven't gotten to that part yet?
EMILY [OS]: No!
LORELAI: Well, something to look forward to!
EMILY [OS]: I'm not going to continue talking about this through the door.
LORELAI: Look, Mom, I was mad at you when I did the interview, okay? And I said things, but I didn't mean them, it just happened! And I'm not used to talking to reporters. I didn't know about the whole 'off the record, on the record' thing. But I know now. And I'm really sorry it happened.
EMILY [OS]: I did not force Jimmy Carter out of his room at that hotel.
LORELAI: See, now that I thought was just an amusing anecdote.
EMILY [OS]: I did not get into a, quote, bitch-fight with him. He's an ex-president! It was with that insufferable Rosalyn.
LORELAI: Again, Mom, I am really, really sorry, and unless you forgive me, I, I am going to camp out in here possibly forever. Mom, I'm just - don't tell your friends about the article, so they won't read it, and the ones who do, just tell them I was misquoted and I would recommend that you stop reading the article right now, and just look at the pictures. The pictures are really pretty. [Pause, Lorelai waits for a response.] If you are applying explosives to the door, please tell me, so I can step away.
[Pause.]
EMILY [OS]: I'll stop reading.
LORELAI: And we won't talk about it again, ever?
EMILY [OS]: Fine. Come out.
[Lorelai cautiously opens the door.]
EMILY: Let's go back to the living room.
LORELAI: Okay, Mom.
[Mikhail puts his jacket on and walks angrily toward the front door.]
MIKHAIL: Goodbye, Mrs. Gilmore.
EMILY: Mikhail, where are you going?
MIKHAIL: I must leave!
EMILY: Leave? Why? Mikhail!
[She runs after him.]
EMILY: Mikhail!
YACHT CLUB
[Night. Rory walks down the dock. We can hear laughter from the party on the yacht. She sees Logan talking to a girl at the edge of the boat. He is happy to see Rory.]
LOGAN: Hey! You're here early!
RORY: I guess.
LOGAN: Way early. Did you skip your dinner?
RORY: Come down here, so I don't have to yell.
[Logan comes down.]
LOGAN: So there she is.
RORY: Who?
LOGAN: The boat. Calling them 'she' is one of the most fun nautical traditions.
RORY: Right. Something sexist in that, I'm sure.
LOGAN: I'm sure. [He kisses her.] So how'd you get away?
RORY: I don't know, I just got away.
LOGAN: I'm glad.
RORY: So, who is she?
LOGAN: Who?
RORY: The girl on the boat.
LOGAN: Okay, I'm sorry, we were just calling the boat a she. I'm a little bit behind but I'm catching up. She's a friend of my sister's.
RORY: Well, I didn't mean to interrupt anything.
LOGAN: You weren't interrupting anything.
RORY: Looked like I was.
LOGAN: I've known her forever.
RORY: Well, I didn't mean to pull you away.
LOGAN: We were just talking. Me, her, and her husband. If you want, I can have them pull out pictures of their two-year-old. Ben has them in his jacket pocket.
RORY: Do you even want me here?
LOGAN: Ace, I invited you here.
RORY: Right. On Friday night, when you knew I couldn't come.
LOGAN: It's my sister's party. I didn't pick the night.
RORY: Traffic sucked getting here.
LOGAN: Sorry, but I can't do anything about the traffic either. Can we just, um -
[He points down the dock, where they can talk without anyone overhearing. They go there.]
LOGAN: What the hell is wrong with you?
RORY: Nothing. I'm just in a weird mood.
LOGAN: I'll say.
RORY: I'm sorry, I just - can we go somewhere else?
LOGAN: What?
RORY: Let's go somewhere else. I don't really feel like being around people.
LOGAN: Okay, name it.
RORY: Will your sister mind?
LOGAN: I've been here for an hour and a half, I've talked to everybody. My duty is done. Where do you want to go?
RORY: I don't know. Somewhere. Far. Out there.
LOGAN: Where?
RORY: Out to sea.
LOGAN: Out to sea.
RORY: Yeah. Let's take that fancy-pants yacht of yours for a spin.
LOGAN: Tricky, since it's about to head out with all of my sister's friends on it.
RORY: Oh. Well, don't you have another one?
LOGAN: Not here.
RORY: Well, where's the other one?
LOGAN: Far away. Let's just drive somewhere. Let's go to New York.
RORY: I don't want to drive. I want to be out there, just the two of us. Alone.
LOGAN: Well -
RORY: You know the beginning of Moby Dick, when the narrator says that when he finds himself growing grim about the mouth and wanted to knock people's hats off, he takes to the sea?
LOGAN: Yeah.
RORY: Well I feel like knocking people's hats off.
LOGAN: So I guess we got to take to the sea.
RORY [nodding, looks around]: That one looks good.
LOGAN: Yeah.
RORY: Nice and seaworthy.
LOGAN: Not ours to take.
RORY [shrugs]: That ever stopped you before?
LOGAN [smiles]: I think I've been a bad influence on you, Ace.
RORY: Let's go, Huntzberger.
LOGAN: Let's go.
[Rory grabs his hand as they run down the dock.]
ELDER GILMORE'S LIVING ROOM
[Lorelai explains to Mikhail, who is sitting, arms folded across his chest, glaring at her.]
LORELAI: See, I was mad at Mom - Mrs. Gilmore, here, at the time, and I ended up saying things I shouldn't have said, because, you see, normally, I don't make jokes about Joseph Stalin. They're inappropriate. I just said it, and just to this writer, and she printed it. I mean, she's not Joseph Stalin. And, not that there's any excuse, but there is no way I could have known that a Russian man whose entire family and their village was killed by Stalin would be reading this in front of me, I mean, there's just no way.
EMILY: She has this off-putting sense of humor, Mikhail. You'd know that if you spent time with her.
LORELAI: Yes, you would. You would know that.
MIKHAIL: Yes.
LORELAI: I mean, Joseph Stalin was a monster. So, please, stay. You just caught us on a bad day.
MIKHAIL: All right.
[Lorelai's cell phone rings.]
LORELAI: Um, this must be Rory. [She pulls the phone out of her bag.] Excuse me. [She gets up.] Hello?
RORY: Mom.
LORELAI: Hey, um, when are you getting here? I really, really want you here.
RORY: You need to come and get me.
LORELAI: Where are you?
___________________END__________________ | Plan: A: The magazine; Q: What comes out and Luke and Lorelai get a little too enthusiastic when celebrating? A: Luke; Q: Who is upset when he finds out that Kirk has put in a competing offer on the Twickham house? A: Sookie; Q: Who goes into labor? A: Rory; Q: Who is given a surprising review by Mitchum Huntzberger? A: Emily; Q: Who takes in a foreign ballerina? Summary: The magazine comes out and Luke and Lorelai get a little too enthusiastic when celebrating. Sookie goes into labor. Rory is given a surprising review by Mitchum Huntzberger and goes to extremes to unwind. Luke is upset when he finds out that Kirk has put in a competing offer on the Twickham house. Emily takes in a foreign ballerina. |
Outside CBI.
Jane is coming in his car. He stops to show his badge.
Jane: Hey, Tommy.
Tommy: Hey. Good morning, Mr. Jane. You're all set.
Jane: Have a good one.
Tommy: You, too. Have a good one.
Jane parks his car and get out of it. He starts walking and he sees Van Pelt talking to a guy next to the coffee cart. He smiles.
Inside CBI.
Cho and Rigsby are getting out from Lisbon's office with files in hands. Van Pelts arrive.
Van Pelt: Good morning everybody.
Cho: What's so good about it?
Lisbon: Here, have a file. The division's being audited again.
Van Pelt: No problem. Let me just put milk in this, and I'll dig in.
Cho: "No problem." What's with her?
Rigsby: You mean, why isn't she cynical and jaded like you?
Jane: Notice her relaxed body language? The general sense of emotional satisfaction.
Rigsby: Yeah.
Jane: Someone's engaged her romantic interest.
Rigsby: Who?
Jane: Well, I couldn't say.
Rigsby: Nah, she's focused on her work,that's all.
Jane: Well, then I have to assume that the man that kissed her outside was making an embarrassing mistake.
Rigsby: Hmm? What? Who kissed her?
Jane: Uh, I didn't catch his name.
Rigsby: Ah, it's probably that knucklehead from payroll. He's been stalking her like a chicken. What did this man look like? Jane's phone rings. He takes it and read the text he received.
Jane: Lisbon !
Cho: How do you stalk a chicken?
Rigsby: You know what I'm talking about.
Lisbon: "There's a very large bomb nearby. Are you smart enough to find it?"
Outside CBI.
Everyone is getting out of the building. Minelli, Lisbon and Jane are talking.
Minelli: Another bomb threat.That's the third this year.
Jane: Not on my phone, it isn't.
Minelli: Well, granted, they don't usually come through CBI. But that's what the drills are for.
Jane: The text read, "Are you smart enough to find it?" I think this was directed at me.
Lisbon: Of course you think this is about you. Just relax. It could be a hoax.
Jane: It could be.
Minelli: Where is the bomb squad?
Lisbon: They're on their way now. P.D. did an initial sweep of the building. So far,they haven't found anything.
Jane: "Are you smart enough to find it?"
Minelli: Okay, listen, if this really is about Jane, I don't want him just... I...Hey !
Lisbon: Jane ! Jane, stop right there !
Minelli's phone rings.
Minelli(on the phone): Minelli. Yes, sir.
Lisbon(following Jane): Jane !
Minelli: Let me explain what happened. Jane got a text on his phone.
CBI Parking lot
Jane: The text said, "A very large bomb." A large bomb can only be transported in a large car. They didn't say inside CBI. They said nearby. Ergo, the parking lot. Simple.
Lisbon: Exactly. They challenged you to an easy puzzle. They want you to find the bomb.
Jane(looking through a car's window): If there is a bomb. It could be just a hoax, like you said.
Lisbon's phone rings. She answers it while Jane is still looking into cars.
Lisbon: Yes sir. I'll have him back in a minute. I'm trying, sir. I assure you he understands the situation.
Jane: Hey ! Lisbon ! Found it !
Lisbon: Oh,no.
Jane(hitting the window with his hands): Shoot it out! Shout it out with your gun!
Lisbon: I... I can't! There's no time! Come on! Jane, come on, let's go! Come on, run, Jane! Jane, run ! I mean it, come on ! Jane! Come on ! Run ! Come on !
The van explodes. Jane is project in the air by the bomb's blast.
Jane: I'm okay.
Lisbon: You all right?
Jane: I'm okay, I'm okay.
Lisbon: Okay.. Okay.
Jane: I'm fine.
Lisbon: I'm gonna get you... I need an ambulance now !
Jane: No, no ambulance. I just got something in my eyes. Aaah ! Ah ! I can't see. I can't see!
Opening Credits
Jane's hospital room. Jane is in a bed. There are a doctor and Lisbon in the room.
Doctor: You're a lucky man, Mr. Jane. This could have been much worse.
Jane: Yes, that's what people keep telling me. But why is it I can't see, doctor?
Doctor: Well,there's a moderate concussion with some short-term memory loss, disorientation, headache, and of course, fleeting blindness. It's most likely due to small floating blood clots in the vessels around the eyes,demonstrating a C.V.I. or cortical visual impairment.
Lisbon: How long will his vision be affected?
Doctor: Well, it's hard to say, really. The body's healing powers are unpredictable, but 48 to 72 hours is the normal. We must wait and see, so to speak.
Jane: Huh. Humor. Great. Everybody loves a witty doctor in times of trouble. You know, I've heard enough. Do you think you can take this conversation outside, please?
Doctor: Mr. Jane, this is temporary. Your sight will return and you'll be back to work, but it's gonna take time and patience.
Jane: Well, time I have, but patience I lost a while ago.
Doctor: You're alive. Appreciate it.
Jane: Oh, I do. Believe me, I do.
Doctor: Now if you'll excuse me, I'll check in again later.
Lisbon: Thank you, doctor.
She leaves. Lisbon pinches Jane:
Jane: Ow !
Lisbon: I'll do worse if you don't stop mouthing off to people who are trying to help you.
Jane: You pinched me.
Cho(who just came in the room): How is he?
Lisbon: Guess what. He's a bad patient.
Cho: Who would've thought?
Jane: I'm not a bad patient. She's a bad visitor.
Lisbon: What'd you find out?
Cho: The victim is james medina, 44, stockbroker, out of highlands. The van wasn't his. It was reported stolen yesterday. We're digging up everything we can on Medina. The question is it possible he was on some bizarre suicide mission?
Jane: No. I looked in his eyes. That was very much a man who didn't want to be where he was. Whoever did this wanted me to watch James Medina die in terror.
Cho: They nearly killed you, too
Jane: Well, that wasn't the intention,though.
Lisbon: Well, what then?
Jane: "You're next" was written on the man's forehead.
Lisbon: Why?
Jane: I don't know why.
Lisbon: You're gonna be fine.
Jane: Yeah, probably.
Lisbon: We're gonna find who did this.
Jane: Good.
Cho and Lisbon look at each other.
Jane: Oh, please don't look at each other like that.
Lisbon: Like what? You can't see.
Jane: I can feel. I can feel your pity.
Lisbon: Oh, please. Would you stop? We'll be back.
Cho: Later, man.
Outside Medina's house.
Cho and Rigsby are waiting while Mrs Medina is talking to another woman.
Mrs.Medina: Thank you,Rosie.
Rose: Sure.
Mrs.Medina: Allrighty, you two. I love you. You be good with your auntie Rose now, okay? Promise? See you.
Medina's daughter: Bye Mom.
Mrs.Medina: Bye.
Cho: Sweet kids.
Mrs.Medina: Thank you. Jim loved them very much.
Rigsby: I'm sorry, Mrs. Medina, but we have to ask you a couple questions about your husband.
Cho: He didn't seem preoccupied, trouble by anything unusual?
Mrs.Medina: Preoccupied, yes, but there's nothing unusual about that. My husband was a stockbroker, and nowadays, that's like being a professional gambler.
Cho: What about your personal finances?
Mrs.Medina: I never let Jim put all our money into the stock market.
Rigsby: Did he ever mention any particular client being unhappy?
Mrs.Medina: Do you know how much clients have lost their money in the last six months? A lot of people are angry,and they blame their brokers. Jim's received hate mail, phone calls, e-mails.
Rigsby: Any specific threats? Did he ever mention names?
Mrs.Medina: There was an ex-coworker,Terry Andrews. He came by the house a few times. He was very threatening.
Cho: Thank you.
Inside CBI.
Van Pelt: Terence Carter Andrews, 46 years old, worked for two years at Lynch-halstead in the junior trader program. Tax records indicate that he also worked as a guard for several security companies. That cover the state capitol system.
Lisbon: He was a state house employee? He worked here?
Van Pelt: That's what it says. He also has a rap sheet on him. Domestic violence and two d.u.i.s.
Lisbon: This is him?
Cho: Where is he working now?
Van Pelt: Guest relations manager at something called Hype.
Outside Hype
Man: You, little Miss fierce, can come in. Lose the backup dancer. He's too, too butch.
Lisbon(showing her badge): Get lost, fluffy. Are you Terence Andrews?
Terence Andrews: What do you guys want?
Lisbon: Do people call you Terry or Terence?
Terence: They call me Mr.Andrews.
Lisbon: Someone killed James Medina today. Thoughts?
Terence: Yeah. I'd like to buy whoever did it a nice bottle of French brandy.
Rigsby: Flat-out hated him, huh?
Terence: Yeah. Yeah, I did. What, you think I had something to do with it?
Rigsby: Yeah, it crossed our minds.
Lisbon: Why don't you come downtown with us, answer a few questions?
Terence: No, I don't think so. You know why? Because I didn't do it.
Rigsby: Come on, man. Let's go.
Terence(pushing Rigsby): Get off me ! Now you want some,too?
Lisbon: No, thank you.
She takes her taser and shock him.
Terence: Ooooh!
Rigsby: Okay, everybody step back. Give him some air. Fun's over.
Lisbon: Are you okay, Mr. Andrews?
Inside CBI
Jane arrives helped by an officer. Van Pelt sees him.
Van Pelt: Hey, aren't you supposed to be in the hospital?
Jane: Nope.
Van Pelt: Yes, you are.
Jane: No, they've had enough of me. Can't say I blame 'em. Officer Powell here was kind enough to give me a ride back.
Van Pelt: Thank you. I guess.
Van Pelt's phone rings.
Officer Powell: Have a good one, Mr.Jane.
He leaves
Jane: Yeah. Go ahead. Talk to your boyfriend. I don't mind.
Van Pelt: Shush.
Jane: Why are you embarrassed?
Van Pelt: I'm not.
Lisbon: What the hell...?
Jane: Oh, doctor's orders. She said it was the best thing for me to do-get back to work.
Lisbon: She did not. She said you insulted the entire ward and were a complete pain in the ass.
Jane: Meeh. So?
Lisbon: So you can't do that.
Jane: Well, what was I supposed to do, just sit there and listen to television? Besides, the food was terrible.
Lisbon: You need the rest.
Jane: I need to work.
Lisbon: You're blind.
Jane: No problem, honestly. My other senses are heightened. They're super heightened. I'm like Daredevil. Now if you'll excuse me...
Lisbon: Okay.
Jane: Okay.
He walks away and hits a pole with his stick.
Jane: Ah. Heightened.
Interrogation Room
Rigsby questions Terence.
Rigsby: Where were you yesterday morning?
Terence: My shift at the club ended at 3:30. I went back to my place, watched a little bit of TV. Then I went to bed. I slept till about 11:00 or so.
Rigsby: Anyone who can vouch for that time frame?
Terence: No. I live alone, on account of my lady walked out on me when I lost my job.
Jane arrives in the room.
Jane: Sorry. Don't mind me.
Rigsby: Jane?
Terence: What is this? What is this? He's blind.
Rigsby: Yeah. Uh, sorry.
Jane: Cool, huh? Ahem. Yeah, so, uh, did you kill James Medina?
Terence: Did I kill James Medina? Screw him. I didn't kill him. I could have and I wanted to, but I didn't.
Jane smells the room.
Terence: What are you doing?
Jane: Have we ever met before?
Terence: No.
Jane: So what happened? Why did you and Mefina fight in the first place?
Terence: I was a junior trader in the company's program. And he had been picking on me for months. I took a job his nephew wanted. Anyway, a freakin' envelope falls off his desk. "Pick it up," he said. Like that, "Pick it up." I don't think so. "Pick it up your own damn self," I said. Big deal. But I guess he figures I'm just, you know,(he snaps his fingers which seems to annoy Jane) I'm gonna snap my fingers and totally just ruin this dude's life.
Jane: Can I hold your hand?
Terence agrees so Jane takes his hand.
Jane: Artistic fingers. Soft.
Terence: Don't do that.
Jane: Nice to talk with you,Terry. Be well. You can let him go.
Rigsby: Uh, that's, uh, not your call.
Jane: Well, I didn't say you must let him go. I said that you can, if you want. Being that he's innocent.
Terence: Thank you.
The door slams open and we see Lisbon.
Lisbon: Jane?
Jane: Whoa. Oh, that was loud. That scared me.
CBI corridor
Lisbon: How many times do I have to tell you to stop interrupting interviews like that?
Jane: Oh, I'm sorry. Oh. Just a minute.
Lisbon: What are you doing?
Jane: How will I know if I can see or not if I have bandages on? Ow. Here goes.
Lisbon: Well?
Jane: Black as night.
Lisbon: I'm sorry.
Jane: Never mind. Andrews didn't do it.
Lisbon: Did you sense that with your superpowers?
Jane: Yes, I did. Uh, he's filled with anger, but, uh, not fearful, guilty, murderous anger. That has a tang of ammonia about it. His is a more clean, righteous anger, lemony.
Lisbon: Lemony?
Jane: This blind thing really works. Without my vision, I can tune into my other senses much more clearly. That's great.
Lisbon: Let me go make you a superhero costume. What do you wanna be called?
Jane touches Lisbon's face.
Lisbon: What are you doing?
Jane: I wanna know what your face feels like when you're smiling.
Rigsby: Uh, so what's the deal, boss?
Lisbon: Have forensics check him for any explosives residue. If he comes up clean, let him go.
Rigsby: Will do.
Jane: I'm still convinced there's a connection between Medina and me, so before you make me that superhero costume I'm looking forward to, could you take me to visit with his widow?
Lisbon: Maybe.
Jane: Thank you. And incidentally, you're smelling particularly good today.(Lisbon walks away and goes to her office) Is that cinnamon in the mix there somewhere? Lisbon?
He searches Lisbon with his hands but she's gone.
Inside Medina's house Jane, Lisbon and Mrs.Medina are in the kitchen.
Mrs.Medina: Your tea is right in front of you, Mr.Jane
Jane: Ah, thank you.
Mrs.Medina: You're welcome.
Lisbon: Mrs. Medina, we don't mean to keep you from your family. We just have a few more questions to ask you.
Mrs.Medina: I understand. I'm... happy to help.
Jane: I can feel what a warm,caring home this is. I'm very sorry for your loss. I think whoever did this was targeting your husband and me also. I don't know why, but something links us. I have to ask,have we ever met before?
Mrs.Medina: Not that I know of.
Jane: Would it be a terrible inconvenience to show me some of your husband's personal things? Jewelry, anything he used a lot.
Mrs.Medina: Sure. I guess. Why?
Jane: Holding something of James' would help me pick up a feel for him, get a sense of his being.
Mrs.Medina: Okay. Excuse me.
Jane: Thank you.
She leaves
Lisbon: A sense of his being? What are you playing at?
Jane: Just go with it. I have to practice this touchy-feely stuff. It's been a while.
Lisbon: You're not gonna be blind forever.
Jane: No, right, 'cause bad stuff like this doesn't happen nearly as often as people think it does.
They are now in the living room. Jane has got glasses in his hands.
Jane: Bifocals.
Mrs.Medina: Mm-hmm. Jim couldn't read without them. He was considering surgery, but I liked the way he looked in his glasses. He held off because of me.
Jane puts the glasses away and takes something which seems to be a brooch.
Jane: Did he like horses?
Mrs.Medina: We liked to ride together. We were planning to take a trip up the coast this fall.
Jane takes a watch.
Jane: This feels expensive.
Mrs.Medina: Uh,yes. He only wore that to business functions.
Jane: There's a jewel with an engraving on the back. What is that engraving?
Mrs.Medina: It's a bull. It was a company gift from Lynch-Halstead. A little too much bling for Jim's everyday taste.
Jane has got a flash back. We see him talking with a woman.
Lisbon(a little worried): Jane?
Jane(upset): Well, uh, thank you for your time, Mrs. Medina.
Inside CBI
Jane: The watch I recalled was the exact same. It had the same engraving on the back as James Medina's and his was from Lynch-Halstead.(to Lisbon who helped him to reach the couch) Thank you. Uh... So, years ago, I must've done a psychic reading for someone else connected to the firm.
Cho: You don't know who?
Jane: I can't remember. I tried to see the woman's face, recall her name. I... I just can't do it.
Van Pelt: But she paid you and was hurt so badly she's still holding a grudge.
Jane: Well, probably.
Rigsby: The man's blind. Go easy, maybe.
Van Pelt: Sorry.
Jane: Oh, it's okay. You're fine.
Lisbon: Did you keep a record of all your customers or clients or whatever you called them?
Van Pelt's phone rings. She smiles. Rigsby looks jealous.
Jane: Yeah, I had to. I had to keep track of all the lies I'd already told them.
Lisbon: Oh, where are they?
Jane: Uh, probably on a disk in my boxes over there, I expect.
He almost hit Lisbon's head with his stick when he showed where the record could be.
Lisbon: Van Pelt, why don't you help Jane find his records?
Van Pelt immediatly stops smiling and put her phone away.
Jane: Oh, first, could someone please make me a cup of tea?
Cho, Van Pelt and Lisbon walks away. Rigsby stays here looking around.
Jane: Is that a yes?(he smells the room then smiles) Rigsby.
CBI kitchen
Rigsby throws the tea bag in the sink and puts the cup of tea in front of Jane who is sitting at the table.
Jane: Thank you.
He takes a sip of tea to taste. Rigsby is looking at Jane hopefully.
Jane: Did you put the milk in...
Rigsby: Milk in first. Yep. Just like you asked.
Jane: You sure the water boiled...
Rigsby: It was truly boiling? Yep.
Jane takes another sip.
Jane: Tastes weird.
Rigsby: Tastes weird?
He looks a little disapointed because Jane doesn't like his tea.
Rigsby: Jane, I need to ask you a favor. I need you to, uh... I need to you find out from VanPelt about this guy she's dating. You know, what's the score?
Jane: The score?
Rigsby: Is it serious? Are they, uh, you know?
Jane: Ask her yourself.
Rigsby: Yeah, right. No. Come on. You know the situation. It's against the rules- relationships between coworkers.
Jane: What are you, a man or a mouse?
Rigsby: Well, a man, obviously.
Jane: Could've fooled me.
Rigsby: If it's that guy from payroll, I will kill him.
Jane: Well, that would be a strong, romantic statement. Women like a man that would kill for them. Hey, Van Pelt !
Rigsby: Don't !
Jane: What?
Rigsby: Oh No.
Jane: Trust me. Honesty's better.
Rigsby: No.
Van Pelt: What's up?
Jane: Grace, personal question. Rigsby and I were wondering, uh...who is this man you were kissing by the coffee cart?
Van Pelt: That's... That's none of your business.
Jane: Not from payroll?
Van Pelt: Payroll? No, he doesn't even work here. It's none of your business.
She walks away angry.
Jane: Well, thank heavens for that, at least. No killing needed. Huh.
Rigsby: Don't be so sure.
Jane: You'll see. Honesty's best.
Rigsby: Yeah, well, honestly, I'd like to kick your butt right now.
Jane thinks for a second.
Jane: I'll take you. But could you take me to my couch first, please?
Rigsby: Yes.
Jane: Thank you.
Rigsby: Give me your arm. Get the tape off.
Jane: Yep.
Rigsby: Here's the couch.
Jane: All right babe. You're very good at this. Thank you. Thanks for your lovely tea.
Van Pelt(searching in a box): That was cruel. Why did you do that?
Jane: Oh, it's this blindness nuisance. It makes me mean. I'm... I'm sorry. But you two do need to talk.
Van Pelt: There's nothing to talk about. Is this it?
She shows him a CD.
Jane: Uh...
Van Pelt: Sorry. Uh, a white cd with "R.P.B." written on it in black?
Jane: Could be. You have a lot to talk about.
Van Pelt: Like what?
Jane: Is it serious, you and coffee cart man?
Van Pelt(putting the CD in the computer): It's too early to tell.
Jane: I'd like to meet him. What floor does he work on?
Van Pelt: He doesn't. He's a lawyer.
Jane: Ah.
Van Pelt: He was just visiting. And no offense, but why does my personal life have any concern to you... or Rigsby, for that matter?
Jane: Well, me... I'm just nosy. But Rigsby... He loves you. He's just scared of emotional commitment. And you're attracted to him, but you're deeply repressed and emotionally shut down.
Van Pelt: Oh, is that right?
Jane: Because of a trauma in your past that you've never spoken of to anyone, ever, even yourself.
There's a silence
Jane: Sorry. I was just thinking out loud.
Van Pelt: What? I wasn't listening.
Jane: What's his name?
Van Pelt: Dan.
Jane: Dan? Can I meet him?
Van Pelt: If you like.
Jane: I would.
Van Pelt: Here's your client list. I'll run it against the Lynch-Halstead records. One match. You both shared a client a long time ago... Carol Gentry?
Jane: Carol Gentry...
Flash-Back
Jane Residence, Malibu, eights years earlier
Jane: She forgives you, Carol. Your mother truly forgives you.
Carol Gentry: I don't understand, Mr. Jane. She forgives me?
Jane: Yes. That's what she says. And I believe it to be sincere.
Carol: She was a vicious,evil,abusive woman, But I loved her and cared for her like a good daughter. What did I ever do that she should forgive me for?
Jane: It's a hard truth,Carol, that people don't change when they pass on. They simply become the essence of who they are. Your mother was a very complicated woman...
Carol: She forgives me? That lunatic bitch forgives me?
Jane: People are very complicated. Aren't they? I'm afraid that's all we have time for this week, Carol.
Carol: Oh. Okay. Yeah. I'm sorry. I just...
Jane: It's okay. Just breathe. We'll talk more about this next time, shall we?
Carol: Yeah.
Jane: Okay.
Carol: Okay.(she gives him a check) Thank you, Mr. Jane.
Jane: Thank you.
She leaves. Jane takes some water and then he throws it away.
End Flash-Back
Van Pelt: Jane? Are you all right? Jane? Are you all right?
Jane: Yeah, yeah. Uh, I'm fine. I'm fine.
He stands up and makes a few steps but he collapses. Van Pelt immediatly gets up and goes next to him.
Van Pelt: Jane. Jane.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Later
Jane is sitting on his couch, a doctor is examinating him. There's Minelli and Lisbon too.
Minelli: Is he all right?
Jane: Oh, I'm 100% okay. No need to send me back.
Lisbon: Sir, he needs to be in the hospital. He has to go if you order him to.
Minelli: I could, but someone did try to kill him, remember? We can protect him better here... At less expense.
Jane: Thanks, Virgil.
Minelli: Okay, but this is a favor. If you die in this department, I'm responsible. I do all the paperwork. In fact, if he does die for whatever reason, move him to a public area, would you? I'd be very grateful.
Jane: I hope he's smiling.
Minelli: Places to be !
Jane: Don't we all.
His stick falls. He searches for it but don't find it.
Jane: Uh... Uh...A little help here?
Lisbon rolls her eyes but helps him.
Jane: Just the stick. Just the stick. Thank you.
Later, they are all sitting at the table.
Lisbon: We started doing research on your old client, Carol Gentry.
Jane: She's not a suspect.
Lisbon: Lynch-Halstead were her brokerage firm for a while.
Jane: Just a coincidence. She's not a suspect.
Cho: How can you be so sure?
Jane: Carol Gentry killed herself eight years ago. She left no family.
They all don't know what to say.
Jane: You all still here?
Lisbon: We're all here.
Jane: Good. So back to square one, I guess?
Lisbon: Not quite. Van Pelt's done some deeper research.
Van Pelt: We cross-checked the spouse's names. And came up with a second hit. You used to have a client named Jill Lamont. Her husband was Paul Krager. And he used to work for Lynch-Halstead.
Jane: Jill Lamont? Yes.
Flash Back
Jane is sitting on a couch, there's a woman with him.
Jane: Tell me more about your husband just anything.
Jill Lamont: He loves me, loves our son. Family is everything to him. But I've noticed a change... Lately.
She gives him a watch, the same as Medina's
Jane: What sort of a change?
Jill: He seems, uh... preoccupied.
Jane: And that's when you began to wonder if he was being unfaithful?
Jill: That's right.
Jane: All right. Something's coming through. Feel it with me. Here. Yes, I'm feeling that Paul hasn't been 100% honest with you. He hasn't been happy. You know that, don't you? Do you sense someone else in his life? Your senses never lie.
Jill: Yes. Yes, I do.
Jane: Okay.
Jill: There's someone else. Is he leaving me?
Jane: You have to talk to him, Jill. You have to tell Paul not to ruin what you have together.
End Flask Back
At Lynch-Halstead
Cho and Lisbon ar tamking to a man
Man: Paul Krager's a name I haven't heard in a while. It never even entered my mind.
Lisbon: What do you know about his personal life?
Man: We've all made our mistakes over the years. Fat wallets and good wine can do that to a man.
Cho: You're referring to his divorce?
Man: That was no divorce. That was a massacre. His wife remarried, I think. But Krager's whole world fell apart. Work-wise, he never recovered. Went off the rails, to be frank. We had to let him go.
Lisbon: Who actually did the firing?
Man: Now that you mention it, Jimmy Medina did. Jim did a lot of the ax work here. Unfortunate part of the job.
Cho: Any idea where we can find Krager now?
Man: Last I heard,someone saw him at a church soup kitchen during the holidays.Their brife for the grace of God,if you know what I mean.
CBI Headquarters
Rigsby: Well, Lynch was right.The legal fees alone nearly bankrupted Krager. His wife took their son, moved east and remarried.
Cho: So where's Krager now?
Rigsby: Well, based on we could find, he was so devastated losing his family, his whole world collapsed.
Lisbon: No permanent address. He hasn't filed a tax return in years. His last known employer was lynch-halstead in 2001.
Cho: Boy,you really did a number on him.
Jane: Yes, I did. Thank you.
Lisbon: No, you simply confirmed what she knew in her heart already.
Jane: Has anyone tried contacting her,Jill Lamont?
Rigsby: Yeah,cI left word. No answer yet.
Lisbon: We put an A.P.B. Out on Paul Krager. Cho and I are gonna follow up on some leads. You stay right there. Nobody take him anywhere. No excitement what so ever. Clear?
Van Pelt: Clear, boss.
Rigsby: Clear, boss.
Jane: Crystal.
Van Pelt and Rigsby are in the kitchen
Van Pelt: Did you see how many clients Jane had?
Rigsby: Well,I guess he helped a lot of people.
Van Pelt: I'm not so sure.
A man appears. Rigsby sees him.
Rigsby: Hi. Can I help you?
Van Pelt turns around and sees the man too
Van Pelt: Dan. Hey.
Dan Hollenbeck: Hi.
Van Pelt: Hi. What are you doing here?
Dan: I was at another meeting upstairs. Thought I'd stop by and say hello. Is that cool?
Van Pelt: Yeah, totally. You know, it's just a surprise, that's all.
Dan: So,um... Introduce me to your colleague, who keeps staring at me so strangely.
Van Pelt: Yeah. Uh... Agent Rigsby? This is my friend, Dan Hollenbeck.
Dan: Good to meet you.
Dan extends his hand but Rigsby ignores him.
Rigsby: Hi. How you doing?
Dan: Uh, I'm excellent. And you?
Rigsby: Good. Yeah.
Van Pelt: Okay, so...
Rigsby: A lawyer, are you?
Dan: I am. I'm sorry. Do we have a problem?
Rigsby: No. No problem. It takes all sorts, even lawyers.
Van Pelt: Okay, that's enough.
Dan: A pleasure to get to know you,Agent Rigsby.(to Van Pelt)Can we... Can we be somewhere private for a moment?
Van Pelt: Uh... I don't know if that's such a... Good idea.
Dan: Please?
Rigsby: You know what? I'm sorry. You and me do have a problem. Not a big one, but we do need to talk. No trouble, I swear.
Dan: All right, then.
Van Pelt: No,it is not all right.
Rigsby: No trouble. I promise.
Dan: It's okay,Grace. It's fine.
Rigsby: Okay.
Men's room
Dan: So here we are. Talk away.
Rigsby: I don't know you, Dan. Maybe you're a nice guy. I hope so. I don't know. Because if you ever hurt Grace Van Pelt, I will find you and I will cause you pain, Because she means a lot to... to the unit. So you treat her right, okay?
Dan: Yeah, I hear you. I appreciate your concern. You care for Grace. Don't worry. I'm a...I'm a nice guy.
Rigsby: Okay. Hey, uh ,I'm sorry to get heavy with you. All right. I had to say it, you know? Just so long as we understand each other.
Dan: Yeah, sure thing. I understand. I do.
Rigsby turns away but Dan hits him with a gun. Then he handcuffs Rigsby.
Few minutes later CBI
Van Pelt: I am so embarrassed. What did Rigsby say to you?
Dan: No call for embarrassment. He's a good-hearted person. I like him. He just wants you to be happy... Or else.
Van Pelt: And what did you say?
Dan: Hmm. Well, I'd say I did my best.
Van Pelt: You did?
Dan: I did. Hey, where is this psychic character. You told me about? I'm dying to meet him.
VanPelt: He wanted to meet you,too.
They walk into the bullpen. Jane is sleeping on his couch.
Van Pelt: Jane?
Jane wakes up
Jane: Damn.
Van Pelt: Sorry. I didn't know whether to wake you or not.
Jane: I'm awake.
Van Pelt: You said you wanted to meet the man I've been dating.
Jane: Yeah. Is he coming?
Van Pelt: He's here.
Jane: Here? Here now?
Van Pelt: Yes.
Dan: Right here.
Jane: Oh.
Dan: Dan hollenbeck, sir. It's a real pleasure to meet you. Grace has told me so much about you.
They shake hand
Jane: Good to meet you, too, Dan.
Dan: Excuse my asking, but are you...
Jane: Blind? Yes,as a bat.
Van Pelt: Temporarily blind. Think positive.
Jane: Yes, positive. That's right. So,Van Pelt,where is Rigsby exactly?
Van Pelt: I don't know. Out getting pizza, if I know Rigsby. You need him for something?
Jane: Lisbon? Cho?
Van Pelt: Still chasing down Paul Krager. Nobody here but us.
Jane: Of course. So, Dan,quite the hard grip you have there. Working man's hands. That, uh, faint scent of chemicals but an expensive Italian suit. It's interesting.
Van Pelt: Dan's a lawyer.
Dan: A very junior lawyer. I lobby the state senate.
Jane: But you're good with your hands. You're good at building things as a hobby, maybe.
Dan: I guess.
Jane: What sort of things do you build as a hobby?
Dan: You know, stuff.
Jane: And your parents? Where are they?
Dan: They're dead.
Jane: Sorry to be a busybody. I just wanna be sure Grace finds the right young man.
Dan: Mm.
Van Pelt: Hush.
Jane: Well, I'm hungry. I... I guess I'll just, uh, get myself something to eat.
He gets up.
Van Pelt: Don't be silly. I'll get you something.
Jane: No, no, no, no, it's okay. I can manage.
Dan: Think I'm dumb? Make the wrong move, and I'll shoot her in the head.
Jane: I hear you.
Van Pelt: What are you guys whispering about?
Jane: Nothing. Some chips would be nice.
Van Pelt: What kind?
Jane: I'm easy.
Van Pelt's phone rings.
Van Pelt: It's the boss.
Lisbon: Looks like we've cracked it. We found Paul Krager. He was obsessed with Jane and Medina. Remember he has a son? Well, Krager told us he's living in the city now. He goes by the name Dan Hollenbeck.
She hangs up
Lisbon: Van Pelt?
Dan: Sorry about this.
Lisbon: Van Pelt?...That was weird.
Van Pelt: I don't understand.
Jane: He's the bomber. He killed James Medina, and now he's come to kill me.
Van Pelt goes to her desk to take her gun.
Dan: Don't even think about it. I'm sorry I had to lie to you, Grace, truly. But I needed you.
Van Pelt: Why?
Jane: To access the statehouse lot. He used your security pass.
Van Pelt: You son of a bitch.
Jane: Just be cool,Van Pelt. Please.
Dan: Grace, relax. I have no desire to hurt you.
Van Pelt: Give it up, Dan, please?
Dan: I'm in too deep. I can't stop now. Don't make me hurt you.
Jane: Just do as he says.
Dan: Oh, you're a nice guy now, aren't you? You destroyed my life for what? Because my dad cheated on my mom? Big deal. He wasn't perfect. And for that, he's on the street. He loses everything ! One day, I'm at the best... The best private school in Los Angeles. I'm playing soccer with movie stars' kids. Next minute, I'm in Dogpatch, New Jersey, with my weeping mom,getting my ass whipped by thugs that don't even speak freaking english. Why?! Because you... you had to be the man who knows. You had to tell my mom the truth.
Jane: I'm sorry, Dan.
Dan: Yeah, sure you are, with a gun at your back.
Dan: (to Van Pelt)Take out your handcuffs. Handcuff yourself. Behind the back. Drop the cane.
Jane: Oh
Dan: Okay. Here we go. Let's go.
Jane: Where are we going?
Dan: Somewhere quiet and private. You won't like it. Where's your car,Grace?
Van Pelt: In the side parking lot. A jeep, Iowa plates.
Dan: I didn't know you were from Iowa. Famous potatoes, huh?
Van Pelt: That's Idaho, you ignorant jerk.
Dan: Oh, yeah? What's Iowa famous for?
Jane: Gullible women.
Van Pelt: That's not fair.
Dan: Keep moving.
Outside parking lot
Jane: Uh, Tommy, you still here?
Tommy: Hey, Mr. Jane. Uh, just locking up. You folks need anything?
Jane: Uh...(he hits Dan with his elbow) Uhh ! Run ! Run, Grace !
Tommy: Freeze ! (they start to fire, Dan shoot Tommy in the shoulder) Uhh!
Van Pelt: Okay, go to the right, the right.
Jane: Okay,you're gonna take this to your car.
Van Pelt: But I can't drive.
Jane: We'll manage. Keys, keys.
Van Pelt: Uh,in... in the left front pants pocket.
Jane: Sorry,oh,oh. Uh... Got it. Let's go.
Van Pelt: Okay,okay. The jeep's on the right.
Jane: Got it?
Van Pelt: Okay. This is the handle.
Jane: You are in Grace? Grace you are in?
Van Pelt: Hang on, hang on.
Jane: On the dash or on the column?
Van Pelt: On the... on the column. Up,Up. Up. Okay. That's... that's reverse.
Jane: Good? All... all clear?
Van Pelt: Yeah, slow. Slow.
Jane: slowly? slowly backing.
Van Pelt: slow,slow,slow,slow.
They bump in another car
Jane: Oh. Sorry about that.
Van Pelt: Straight.
Jane: Okay,I got it.
Dan shoots the car but misses.
Jane: Aah!
Van Pelt: Okay, straight straight straight. Okay,now make a right. Turn right. No,no,not yet! Not yet! Oh! Oh! Aah! Aah! Punch it,punch it,punch it! Go to the right! Whoa! Whoa! Wait. Reverse,reverse,reverse.
Dan shoot in the window
Jane: You all right?
Van Pelt: Go,go,go. Yeah,reverse,reverse,go,go,reverse. Reverse,reverse.
They bump in a car.
Jane: Uhh! Come on. Start,come on.
Van Pelt: Come on,come on,come on. Put the park put the park.
Jane: I can't start,I can't start.
Van Pelt: Oh! Jane,no!
Dan has got his gun pointed on Jane. There's a shot, Dan fell on the floor. It's Lisbon.
Van Pelt: Oh ! Oh,thank god. Oh,thank god.
Jane: What? What happened? Something good happen?
Lisbon: Didn't I say no excitement of any kind?
Men's room.
Van Pelt: Oh, you're alive. Are you okay?
Rigsby: Yeah. It's no bother. I'm fine.
Van Pelt: I'm sorry. God,I'm so sorry.
Rigsby: It's all right. It's all right.
They almost kiss, but a maintenance officer interrupts
Maintenance officer: Oops ! Sorry about that.
He gets out.
Rigsby: I have an H746B form to fill out.
Van Pelt: Yeah.
Following moring, CBI
Jane is sitting on his couch. He takes away the bandages from his eyes.
Jane: Ow.
Lisbon who has just arrived, approach him. Jane opens his eyes.
Jane: Oh,you have no notion how good it is to see your face, Rigsby.
Lisbon: Rigsby?
Jane: Ahh!
They laugh.
Lisbon: Huh? You're funny. | Plan: A: CBI; Q: What organization is shaken up when a bomb threat sent to Jane turns out to be more than just a drill? A: Jane; Q: Who is the target of a bomb threat? A: instead a gruesome murder; Q: What did the bomb threat turn out to be? A: a stockbroker; Q: What was James Medina's job? A: the resulting explosion; Q: What event causes Jane to lose his sight? A: his former clients; Q: Who does Jane look through to find out who might be behind the bomb threat? Summary: CBI is shaken up when a bomb threat sent to Jane turns out to be more than just a drill, and instead a gruesome murder of a stockbroker, James Medina. In the resulting explosion, Jane loses his sight, and realises that he is the next target. In finding out why, and who might be behind it, Jane and the team must look through his former clients; and confront some of the consequences of his actions. |
THE ARMAGEDDON FACTOR
BY: BOB BAKER AND DAVE MARTIN
Part One
Running time:24:39
[SCENE_BREAK]
HEROINE: Darling.
HERO: Oh, my love.
HEROINE: Don't go.
HERO: I must.
HEROINE: But you'll be killed!
HERO: Perhaps.
HEROINE: I can't bear it. I love you.
HERO: There is a greater love. Men out there, young men, are dying for it. Dying so that Atrios might live.
[SCENE_BREAK]
DOCTOR: Atrios? Do you know, I've never actually been to Atrios.
ROMANA: Nor to Zeos?
DOCTOR: Where?
ROMANA: Atrios and Zeos. The twin planets on the edge of the helical galaxy. Didn't they teach you anything at the academy?
DOCTOR: Yes, but we're not going to Zeos.
ROMANA: No, we're going to Atrios.
DOCTOR: Well why don't you get on with it then?
ROMANA: Right.
DOCTOR: Atrios, K9. Atrios. I wonder what the inhabitants are like there?
[SCENE_BREAK]
HERO (on screen): You must be strong. We must all be strong and play our parts until victory is won, evil vanquished, and peace restored. Then, and only then, my darling, can we love again. I must go. Kiss the children for me. Tell them their daddy will return before long.
MERAK: It's all right, it's all right.
[SCENE_BREAK]
MAN (OOV.): Area six obliterated.
MAN 2 (OOV.): Section seven, heavy damage.
WOMAN (OOV.): District ten, no contact.
MAN 3(OOV.): Level fourteen holding.
MAN 4: Area two, no contact.
WOMAN 2: Heavy casualties through all upper levels.
MARSHAL: Any news of our counterattack?
SHAPP: None, Marshal.
MARSHAL: What do you mean, none?
SHAPP: The fleet is still trying to locate the target, sir.
MARSHAL: The target, Major Shapp, is Zeos! The planet. Isn't that big enough?
SHAPP: The navigation systems are being blocked, sir. The Zeons must be using a new device. The whole fleet's flying blind.
MARSHAL: Or have they all turned cowards? I want this attack pressed home, Shapp, before the Zeons smash us to pieces. Is that clear?
SHAPP: Yes, sir.
MAN (OOV.): Direct hit reported on hospital complex. Wards seven to ten destroyed.
ASTRA: I must go there.
GUARD: I'm sorry, your Highness, you can't leave without an escort. Marshal's orders.
ASTRA: Marshal, I insist on going to see the hospital immediately.
MARSHAL: Too dangerous.
ASTRA: The hospital's been hit!
MARSHAL: So has everywhere else, your Highness. We're under nuclear attack.
ASTRA: How much longer are you going on with this futile war? Atrios is being destroyed around us. We must negotiate before it's too late. We must have peace.
MARSHAL: You don't beg for peace, Princess. You win it! Our counterattack is already underway. When it has succeeded, we shall have victory within our grasp. Then we shall have peace.
ASTRA: But don't you understand? We shall all be wiped out if we go on, Zeons and Atrions alike.
MARSHAL: I understand only my duty. And my duty as Marshal of Atrios is to prosecute this war to a successful conclusion. Yours is to uphold the people's morale and give them comfort.
ASTRA: Then let me go to the hospital. I can't do anything here.
MARSHAL: What's the situation, Shapp? Is this raid over?
SHAPP: Yes, sir, at least for the moment.
MARSHAL: Very well, your Highness. One of my guards will accompany you to the hospital. Where, no doubt, Surgeon Merak anxiously awaits you.
[SCENE_BREAK]
MARSHAL (on screen): People of Atrios, once more the hated forces of Zeos clamour at our gates. Once more, they shall not pass. Be brave, my people. Be steadfast, be strong.
[SCENE_BREAK]
MARSHAL (on screen): This rain of death which the Zeons pour upon us, will it extinguish the flame of liberty, my people?
ASTRA: My people.
MARSHAL (on screen): No, our sun will rise again, and Atrios from its ashes will rekindle a mighty resolve, an implacable wrath, crushing the hated Zeon beneath the heel of Atrios.
[SCENE_BREAK]
MARSHAL (OOV.): Even now we know the Zeon will to fight is failing. They cannot go on. Our ships dominate their skies. All I ask, my people, is that you, who have suffered so much, clench the jaw, grimly endure a short while more, until we can deliver the final blow which will bring Zeos to its knees. Victory will be ours.
ASTRA: Surgeon Merak.
MERAK: Princess Astra.
ASTRA: Why must these brave men and women be left on the floor like rubbish?
MERAK: The wards are full, your Highness.
ASTRA: I see.
MERAK: Excuse me, your Highness, but I think your rad-check is due for renewal. Yes, if you'd just come this way.
[SCENE_BREAK]
ASTRA: I was so worried. They told me your ward had been hit.
MERAK: Damaged but not destroyed.
ASTRA: And you?
MERAK: Luckier than many.
ASTRA: Oh, when will it all end?
MERAK: Have you been able to contact the Zeons?
ASTRA: The Marshal has me watched all the time.
MERAK: We must get through. It's the only way. Whether we're seen as traitors doesn't matter any longer.
ASTRA: I'll go on trying, but none of our messages seem to get through.
MERAK: Jammed from here?
ASTRA: No.
MERAK: Because if they were, it would mean the Marshal suspects us.
ASTRA: No, it's not that. He'd have arrested us. I sent the last message myself. There was no contact signal, no echo, no bounce-back, nothing. As if Zeos just wasn't there.
MERAK: Zeos is there all right.
GUARD: Behind schedule, your Highness.
ASTRA: Very well.
MERAK: You must take more care, Princess, and remember to keep your rad-check renewed.
[SCENE_BREAK]
MARSHAL: We're losing, Shapp.
SHAPP: Yes, sir.
MARSHAL: If we don't get this counterattack underway soon, we're finished.
SHAPP: Yes, sir.
MARSHAL: Still nothing from the fleet?
SHAPP: No, sir, they're still lost.
MARSHAL: We must discover whatever it is that's blocking our navigation systems.
SHAPP: Yes, sir. Whatever it is, it's certainly effective.
MARSHAL: How can the Zeons develop something like that and not us? What's gone wrong, eh?
[SCENE_BREAK]
DOCTOR: There. We should be in parking orbit over Atrios. Let's see where we're going, shall we?
ROMANA: Why not?
DOCTOR: That's odd. That's very odd. Wouldn't you say that was very odd?
ROMANA: That's very odd.
DOCTOR: I wonder what went wrong?
ROMANA: Better check the coordinates.
DOCTOR: Zero zero six nine. That's exactly what you gave me. Are you sure?
ROMANA: Quite sure. Something's gone astray.
DOCTOR: No, no, no, just a minute. There may have been a time shift. Let's take another reading.
ROMANA: Zero zero eight zero one zero zero four zero.
DOCTOR: Zero zero eight zero one zero. What a lot of zeroes. There it is!
DOCTOR: Well. Well, it's something, anyway.
ROMANA: But it's millions of miles away.
DOCTOR: Yes.
ROMANA: And where's Zeos? There's no sign of it.
DOCTOR: Do you know what I think? I think something's gone wrong. Something fairly serious.
ROMANA: The Black Guardian?
DOCTOR: Well, it could be a coincidence.
ROMANA: I wouldn't like to bet on it.
DOCTOR: No, nor would I. There's only one thing to do.
ROMANA: Listen, why don't you take us in on manual.
DOCTOR: I think I'll take us in on manual, with circumspection.
ROMANA: Right.
[SCENE_BREAK]
SHAPP: Marshal? I think we're getting something here.
MARSHAL: Ours or theirs?
SHAPP: It's hard to tell at this range, sir, but it's not a signal profile I know and it's hardly moving at all.
MARSHAL: A Zeon secret weapon?
SHAPP: It's possible, sir.
MARSHAL: The device that's been interfering with our navigation and targeting.
SHAPP: I can't tell yet, sir.
MARSHAL: Track it until it's within surface missile range, Shapp, and then we shall see.
SHAPP: Yes, sir.
MARSHAL: Destroy that, and we can still win. I'll show Princess Astra and her pacifist friends.
MARSHAL: She's beginning to panic, becoming a thorn in my flesh, an irritant. She could be useful to my enemies. Something tells me her value to me may be at an end.
MARSHAL: Don't lose track of that Zeon device.
SHAPP: It may not be a Zeon
MARSHAL: Just don't lose it. Inform me as soon as it comes within missile range.
SHAPP: Yes, sir. Where will you be?
MARSHAL: I have to attend to (pause) a matter of state.
[SCENE_BREAK]
GUARD: Excuse me, your Highness.
GUARD: Yes? Yes, sir, she is. Yes, sir. Very good, sir. Will do, sir.
ASTRA: Well?
GUARD: There's been a change of plan, your Highness. Your visit to the children's ward has been cancelled.
ASTRA: Why?
GUARD: A danger of subsidence, your Highness. The recent attack.
ASTRA: But what about the children?
GUARD: They're being evacuated. We're to go to K block so that you can welcome them into their new quarters.
ASTRA: I thought K block was closed down years ago because of radiation contamination.
GUARD: Apparently it's clear now, your Highness. This way, please.
[SCENE_BREAK]
SHAPP: Inform the Marshal our unidentified target will be within range within two minutes.
[SCENE_BREAK]
ROMANA: Well, there's still no sign of Zeos, but I'm picking up a reading for Atrios' twin.
DOCTOR: What's the matter?
ROMANA: Look. Radiation levels you wouldn't believe.
DOCTOR: Good heavens. You could fry eggs in the street.
ROMANA: But that means
DOCTOR: What?
ROMANA: There must be a huge nuclear war going on down there.
DOCTOR: Not at all, no.
ROMANA: Well, what else could it be?
DOCTOR: I don't know. Probably someone giving a huge breakfast party. Think positive. Why do you always assume the worst?
ROMANA: Because it usually happens.
DOCTOR: Empirical poppycock. Where's your joy in life? Where's your optimism?
ROMANA: It opted out.
K9: Optimism. Belief that everything will work out well. Irrational, bordering on insane.
DOCTOR: Oh do shut up, K9. Listen, Romana. Whenever you go into a new situation you must always believe the best until you find out exactly what the situation's all about, then believe the worst.
ROMANA: Ah, but what happens if it turns out not to be the worst after all?
DOCTOR: Don't be ridiculous, it always is. Isn't it, K9?
K9: Master?
DOCTOR: Still, nuclear war. It's always difficult walking into these situations. You never know who's fighting who.
ROMANA: Or why.
DOCTOR: Oh, I think I can say why.
ROMANA: Why?
DOCTOR: Why? Why, it's got to be, hasn't it? It's got to be something to do with the sixth and most important segment of the Key to Time, hmm?
[SCENE_BREAK]
GUARD: This way, Princess. The children will be waiting for you.
GUARD: You must go in. Please, your Highness. I'm only obeying orders.
ASTRA: Yes, I understand.
[SCENE_BREAK]
MARSHAL: All well, Shapp?
SHAPP: Yes, sir. It's still there, not moving at all.
MARSHAL: It could be on surveillance.
SHAPP: Yes, sir, monitoring and observing.
MARSHAL: Hmm. Is it within range?
SHAPP: Just.
MARSHAL: Then it won't be on surveillance much longer. Vapourise it.
SHAPP: Perhaps we should try to capture it, sir?
MARSHAL: That's probably exactly what they want us to do. Vapourise it now!
SHAPP: Yes, sir.
[SCENE_BREAK]
ROMANA: Doctor, look, something's approaching us from the planet surface.
DOCTOR: A welcoming party, do you think? K9? K9, what do you make of that?
K9: Missile identified. Nuclear warhead.
ROMANA: What? Let's get out of here.
DOCTOR: No, no, no, no, no, no. Wait. We'll dematerialise at the last moment. Let whoever's shooting at us think they've hit us. Always confuse the enemy.
ROMANA: If you say so.
DOCTOR: Right, link that tracer in. I want to land as close as possible to the sixth segment. The less time we spend on Atrios, the better.
ROMANA: Right. Ready.
DOCTOR: Standing by? K9, how long to impact?
K9: Three, two, one.
DOCTOR: What?
[SCENE_BREAK]
MARSHAL: Got it! We got it! Smashed it, vapourised it! Beautiful. You've earned yourself a medal, Shapp.
SHAPP: Thank you, sir, but I don't know.
MARSHAL: What do you mean, you don't know?
SHAPP: Whether we got it.
MARSHAL: I saw it with my own eyes. Beautiful direct hit. It's what it's all about.
SHAPP: Yes, sir, but I could swear that the target disappeared before impact.
MARSHAL: Nah.
[SCENE_BREAK]
ROMANA: Oh no.
DOCTOR: No, no, don't say it, please.
ROMANA: Don't say what?
DOCTOR: Don't say another underground passage.
ROMANA: Well, I wonder how deep we are this time?
DOCTOR: Yes. K9? K9, are you still sulking in there? Come on out. No water or swamps. It's quite safe.
ROMANA: What did he say?
DOCTOR: I don't know. What did you say?
K9: Master, radiation levels indicate nuclear warfare in progress on planet surface.
ROMANA: What? How deep are we?
K9: Four hundred metres below, master.
DOCTOR: Four hundred metres? They are taking a pasting. If it's like this down here, imagine what it's like on the surface.
ROMANA: Surely nothing can live in this? The radiation levels alone
K9: Radiation levels are variable. No sign of immediate life. The corpse on the left, however, is recent.
ROMANA: What?
DOCTOR: You're right, K9. He hasn't been dead. Shot, poor chap.
ROMANA: At close range, from the front.
DOCTOR: Yeah. Must have been one of his friends. Just goes to show, you can't trust anyone nowadays.
ROMANA: I don't think I'm going to like this place very much.
DOCTOR: No. Let's locate the sixth segment and get out of here.
ROMANA: I'm with you all the way. Through there.
DOCTOR: Locked and lead. What does that suggest to you?
ROMANA: High radiation zone?
K9: Affirmative.
DOCTOR: Any sentient life through there, K9?
K9: Regret lead shielding will prevent effective analysis.
DOCTOR: Yes, it's well guarded, or at least it was. Perhaps the door's booby-trapped.
ROMANA: Doctor.
DOCTOR: What?
ROMANA: Remember what we were saying about the Black Guardian?
DOCTOR: Yes. What? Will you come into my parlour said the spider to the fly?
ROMANA: Very apt.
DOCTOR: I think we should tread very carefully. K9?
K9: Master?
DOCTOR: Could you make a hole for me in that door, K9? A little, little hole, K9. We don't know what's beyond there, do we.
[SCENE_BREAK]
SHAPP: Sir? Marshal?
MARSHAL: Never do that.
SHAPP: I'm sorry, sir.
MARSHAL: I was (pause) thinking. Well, Shapp, good news? The fleet?
SHAPP: No, sir, not yet.
MARSHAL: Well, what is it, man?
SHAPP: The alarm sensors in K block, sir.
MARSHAL: What about K block?
SHAPP: Sensors indicate an attempted break-in. Now why would anyone want to attempt to break in to the high radiation zone, risk certain death?
MARSHAL: Seal it off, Shapp. Seal all exits immediately. I'll deal with this myself, you understand?
SHAPP: Yes, sir.
MARSHAL: No one else is to be involved. And bring that traitor Merak here, now.
SHAPP: Merak?
[SCENE_BREAK]
DOCTOR: That's enough, K9, that's enough. Back up.
ASTRA (OOV.): Help me, whoever you are.
DOCTOR: Romana, there's a
ROMANA: There's a what?
DOCTOR: There's a man standing behind you. Get your hands up.
MARSHAL: Who are you?
DOCTOR: We're travellers. We seem to be lost, actually. He's dead.
MARSHAL: You'll be shot for this.
ROMANA: It wasn't us. He was like that when we found him.
MARSHAL: You expect me to believe that?
ROMANA: Yes.
DOCTOR: No. Yes.
ROMANA: No.
[SCENE_BREAK]
MARSHAL: What were you doing at that door?
DOCTOR: I've told you. We were trying to avoid the bombardment. I thought that door might lead to the way out.
MARSHAL: That door leads to certain death.
DOCTOR: What? He saved our lives.
MARSHAL: You're obviously Zeon spies.
DOCTOR: Spies? Do we look like spies?
ROMANA: No.
DOCTOR: I though spies looked kind of inconspicuous.
SHAPP: Surgeon Merak, sir.
MARSHAL: Good. These are the intruders who were caught trying to break into K block.
SHAPP: Who are they? What do they want?
MARSHAL: Precisely what I intend to find out before I execute them. Bring in Merak.
MERAK: Marshal, I've got a hundred patients waiting.
MARSHAL: Then they'll have to wait. Do you know these people?
MERAK: No, should I?
MARSHAL: I think you do. I think they are your accomplices.
MERAK: What?
MARSHAL: Zeon spies and saboteurs.
MERAK: What's that got to do with me?
MARSHAL: Princess Astra is missing. She was last seen with you. Since then, her escort has been found dead.
MERAK: We must find her. Are you searching for her?
MARSHAL: Everything possible is being done. Now Merak, I know you don't agree with my conduct of this war.
MERAK: I don't agree with war, nor does Astra.
MARSHAL: I think it's possible that you might have been foolish enough, misled no doubt by the noblest of motives, to cooperate with the enemy. Am I right?
MERAK: No, Marshal, you're wrong.
MARSHAL: It would be much better for you to admit everything. I arrested these two myself, standing over the body of the Princess's escort.
DOCTOR: I told you, we're not even armed. Look, nothing, just a whistle. Care for a blow? Go on.
MARSHAL: Shapp.
MARSHAL: Bah, it's useless. Don't play the fool with me.
MARSHAL: What is the purpose of your visit?
DOCTOR: Tourism.
MARSHAL: In the middle of a nuclear war?
DOCTOR: Yes, well, I run this small agency, you see. Trips to battlefields future and past. How civilisations died. It's very profitable. Isn't it very profitable, Romana?
ROMANA: Oh, absolutely. It's very educational.
MARSHAL: For the last time, what are you doing here?
DOCTOR: Looking for a key.
MARSHAL: Everything you've told me is obviously a pack of lies. It's clear to me that you are Zeon spies. You've murdered one of my guards, abducted the Princess Astra, no doubt with the collusion of Surgeon Merak here. Unless you divulge her whereabouts, you will be executed immediately as spies. Now is that clear?
DOCTOR: Beautifully put, I thought.
MARSHAL: Well?
DOCTOR: I'm sorry, I don't think we can help you.
MARSHAL: Is that your last word?
DOCTOR: No.
ROMANA: Yes.
DOCTOR: No, I sincerely hope not, but I think we've been here long enough.
MARSHAL: Stay where you are!
DOCTOR: Listen, we tell you the truth and you don't believe us. You accuse us of crimes we haven't committed, and now you're going to have us shot. I think after a long journey that's a bit too much, Marshal. K9, lights!
DOCTOR: Goodbye, Marshal. Come on.
MARSHAL: Stop them! Stop them!
[SCENE_BREAK]
DOCTOR: Come on, run.
ROMANA: Where to?
DOCTOR: Back to the TARDIS.
[SCENE_BREAK]
ROMANA: Doctor!
DOCTOR: What?
ROMANA: The TARDIS! It's gone! | Plan: A: Time; Q: What is the final segment of the Key To? A: the TARDIS; Q: What do the Doctor and Romana land on the world of Atrios? A: neighboring planet Zeos; Q: Who is Atrios at war with? A: a missile attack; Q: What did the Doctor and Romana avoid before landing on Atrios? A: the Doctor and Time Lady Romana; Q: Who are mistaken for spys by the Marshall? Summary: In their search for the final segment of the 'Key To Time', the Doctor and Romana land the TARDIS on the world of Atrios who is at war with it's neighboring planet Zeos. Upon avoiding a missile attack right before landing, the Doctor and Time Lady Romana are then mistaken for spys from Zeos by the Marshall. |
[Scene: A woman is walking really fast to a car and keeps looking over her shoulder. A car horn beeps and she drops her groceries. She picks the stuff up but cuts herself.]
Daisy: Ow, damn it!
Leo: It's alright, Daisy.
Daisy: Oh, Leo, thank God it's you. I have been so scared.
Leo: Look, you just have to stay strong a little longer and then you'll be safe.
Daisy: He's out there, Leo. He's going to find me. I've seen what he can do, his powers. (Leo holds her hand and heals it.) How did you do that? Who are you people?
Leo: You just have to trust me, Daisy.
Daisy: Why me, Leo? I still don't understand.
Leo: You have a very special future ahead of you. That's why I wanted you to come to San Francisco. I have powerful friends who can help you.
Daisy: What if Alec finds me first?
Leo: He won't be able to. I made you invisible to him.
(Alec appears.)
Alec: Hello, Leo. I've been looking all over for you. Figured you could only be here for one reason. Where are you Daisy? I know you're close by.
Leo: (to Daisy) Don't worry, Daisy. He can't see you. Don't say a word, just leave quickly.
Alec: Don't listen to him sweetie, don't do it.
(She runs off.)
Leo: She's already gone.
Alec: I love her, Leo. Much like you love your little witch. What's her name? Piper?
Leo: Dark lighters aren't capable of love, Alec.
Alec: This one is. I love Daisy and you are keeping me from her. It's only a couple of days ago all I had to do was think about her and bang! I'd be there with her. Then suddenly she vanishes from my radar. Cloaked by a white lighter. By you.
Leo: Then if you know I cloaked her, then you also know that you won't find her as long as I live.
Alec: Yes, well, I have a solution for that.
(He gets out his crossbow and shoots Leo.)
[Scene: Halliwell house.]
Phoebe: I can not believe you're wearing you bikini on the plane.
Prue: Time saver. We have all of forty-eight hours in Cabo. The minute we land I'm on the beach getting all golden-brown.
Phoebe: I know, but you're making me look frumpy, it's like the sign of the apocalypse.
Prue: I practically had to beg the guy in accounting to lend us his condo. There are no warlocks in sight, Andy finally found out our big secret, I'm going to get crazy.
Phoebe: It's about time. How long have I been after you to find some new male blood? Preferably tan and buff.
Prue: And limited verbal skills.
Phoebe: And ...
Phoebe/Prue: No strings attached.
Phoebe: Stella, we are getting our grove back. (They high five but miss.) Okay, so, speaking of which, where is Piper?
Prue: I think Piper's gonna be in a grove free kina mood for a while.
Phoebe: She's not seriously ...
Prue: Taking a vacation from men, yep. Afraid of falling in love again I think.
Phoebe: So, while we're partying all weekend, what is she gonna be doing?
Prue: I don't know. The last time I checked she was in the attic looking for a suitcase she put her books in.
Phoebe: Books, what kind of books?
Prue: Kind they make into Kevin Costner movies.
Phoebe: Oh, we've got to stop the insanity.
Prue: Maybe we should let her be, I mean we're not the ones who fell in love with a warlock, a ghost, a geographically undesirable handyman, and a very dorky grad student.
Phoebe: Maybe she's done a slump. (Prue looks at her.) Alright, it happens to Piper a lot, but celibacy is not the answer.
Prue: A couple of dates not picking up the cheque, that's a slump, this is more of a sucking void.
(They here a thump and a little scream coming from the attic.)
Piper: (from the attic) Prue! Prue, Phoebe!
(They go up into the attic and see Leo lying on the floor in pain with the arrow stuck in his shoulder.)
Prue: Leo?
Opening Credits
[Scene: Halliwell house. Prue is getting bandages and stuff out of the bathroom. Cut to the attic. Phoebe and Piper are carrying Leo to a chair.]
Piper: Be careful.
Phoebe: I am being careful.
Piper: I can't believe you knew and the fact that our handyman, the man I was dating was supernatural just happened to slip your mind?
Phoebe: There was no slipping, okay, I told you but you didn't want to believe me.
Leo: Piper, I wanted to.
Piper: But you didn't.
Phoebe: Okay, we gotta, we gotta get your legs up.
Leo: Don't worry about me. There's someone, ahh ...!
Phoebe: We have to get the arrow out.
Leo: No, don't touch it, it's tipped with poison.
Phoebe: How are we suppose to get it out if we can't touch it?
(Prue enters the attic.)
Prue: You came to the right girl. You ready? (Prue uses her powers to push the arrow out.) Okay, I brought everything that I could find, I just didn't know what to use on a ... what is he again?
Piper: A White Lighter.
Phoebe: Yeah, they're sorta like, you know how Peter Pan has Tinkerbell? They're sorta like that minus the tutu and the wings. He guides witches.
Leo: Future White Lighters. That's why I came to you.
Piper: (to Phoebe) You should of told me.
Leo: I should of told you. (Piper gets a bandage and pushes down on his wound.) Ahh!
Piper: Oh, did that hurt? Good.
Leo: There's a woman, Daisy. You have to protect her from the Dark Lighter.
Prue: The Dark Lighter. Is that what shot you?
Leo: Yeah, they seduce innocent women. Their goal is to create evil through reproduction.
Phoebe: Great. Generation 666.
Leo: He broke the rules, he fell in love with one of his victims, a human. And she loved him back.
Piper: Until she found out who he really was, right?
Leo: Piper, you have every right to be mad at me.
Piper: Thanks for the permission. I'll get some more gauze.
Leo: Please, you have to find Daisy before he does otherwise she won't be able to do the good that she's destined to. She won't be able to become a white lighter.
Prue: Okay, where is she?
Leo: I don't know. The last time I saw her she was at a mini-mart and the castrol headed for a rental car. If he finds her first he'll never let her go ever.
Phoebe: Any tips on how to vanquish a Dark Lighter in case we run into him?
Leo: Just don't let him touch you. His power is in his hands and when he chooses you he has the touch of death.
Prue: And we have the power of three. Alright, call the airline, cancel our tickets, I'll call Andy see if he can help me locate her, and Piper should ...
Phoebe: I'll talk to her, somebody's gotta stay with Leo.
[Scene: Police station.]
Morris: You enjoying this as much as I am?
Andy: What's that?
Morris: The silent treatment and the cold shoulder.
Andy: I know, it's been a week since Internal Affairs has made a move. What are they waiting for?
Morris: I'm not talking about I.A., I'm talking about you and me.
Andy: I got no problems.
Morris: That makes one of us. I.A. is on our ass and I still don't know why but I'm pretty sure you do. You feel like sharing?
(The phone rings.)
Andy: Homicide, Trudeau.
Prue: Hey, Franklin. How are things in Forensics?
Prue: You can't talk.
Andy: No actually. Why don't you have it checked out by the F.B.I. lab?
Prue: Andy, I really need your help, it's important. Quake?
Andy: Okay, I'll be there.
Morris: Franklin's wife had a baby girl yesterday. Took a week off. Did he call you from the maternity ward? You don't wanna tell me what's going on, fine. Just don't lie to me partner.
[Scene: Quake. Prue and Andy are sitting at a table.]
Prue: Andy, what's going on?
Andy: Internal Affairs are looking into all my unsolved cases. All the cases that involve the supernatural.
Prue: All the ones that involve me. Do you think that they followed you here?
Andy: I wouldn't put it past them.
Prue: Andy, if we ... if I, put you in this situation.
Andy: I put me here, Prue.
Prue: Yeah, but you had help. Can they force you to tell them?
Andy: About you? I won't. But we have to be careful about being seen together. It has to look like we're still friends.
Prue: Andy, we are still friends. We always will be.
Andy: Are you sure I'm not just someone that's keeping your secret, Prue.
Prue: You know me better than that. I'm glad I told you, I am.
Andy: So am I. Now when you need me all you have to do is ask.
Prue: Well, I'm asking. I need to find someone, she's in danger and we have to get to her before he does.
Andy: He? You know what, I don't need to know. Specifics always get me in trouble. Where was the last time she was seen?
Prue: Headed for a rental car outside a mini-mart.
Andy: Well, we can get the security camera from the mini-mart and surrounding businesses. See if we can get the car's license plates and see if it leads us to where she's staying.
Prue: Thanks.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Scene: Attic.]
Phoebe: Leo, I brought you some food in case you're ... you do eat right?
Leo: Yes, Phoebe, I eat. How's Piper?
Phoebe: Oh, you know, she's dealing. I mean, it's not everyday that you find out that the guy you're seeing isn't human. Although, in Piper's case.
Leo: I wish she didn't have to find out about me like this. Being with her broke the rules but not being with her breaks my heart.
Phoebe: You know, Leo, it's not like we rushed to tell you we were witches. I think Piper understands about those little secrets that we have to keep.
Leo: Any word on Daisy?
Phoebe: Yes and no. Prue called. Andy thinks he found out where Daisy's staying. They're on their way now. (She pulls off his bandage.) Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Leo: It's okay, I know it's bad.
Phoebe: I guess I need to work on my poke-a-face a little bit, huh. You know Leo, didn't you tell me that White Lighters have the ability to heal? Why can't you just ...
Leo: No, my powers are for others, I can't use it on myself.
(He coughs.)
Phoebe: Ah, you know, we just gotta get you better. Then you and Piper will have lots of time to talk about stuff when you're well.
Leo: Phoebe, I'm not going to get better.
Phoebe: That's ridiculous, Leo, of course you will, we're just gonna have to find something in the Book of Shadows.
Leo: No, the Dark Lighter's poison can't be reversed. It's about to kill White Lighters. That's what it's doing, it's working it's way through my system. It's just a matter of time.
Phoebe: How much time?
Leo: Not much. I'm gonna die and there's nothing you can do about it. My powers ebbing. With it, my ability to cloak Daisy.
Phoebe: We're gonna save you both, Leo.
[Cut to downstairs. Piper is looking through the Book of Shadows. Phoebe comes downstairs.]
Piper: I have looked everywhere in this damn book for something, anything to help Leo and I can't. What's that face? What's the matter?
Phoebe: Leo's in pretty bad shape, Piper. And he's getting worse.
Piper: I know, that's why I need to find an ointment or a cure or something.
Phoebe: You need to listen. This is really hard to say but you really need to hear it. I think that you need to learn the possibility, maybe we're not suppose to save Leo. Maybe he's not our innocent. Maybe we're only meant to save Daisy.
Piper: We have to save him whether we're meant to or not.
[Scene: Hotel. Daisy's room. She sees some flowers. Alec appears.]
Alec: I got you your favourite. I thought you'd be happy to see me. I miss this. Us.
Daisy: There is no us, Alec. Please stop.
Alec: You're the one Daisy. You're mine. Indian summer, do you remember that Daisy? When it got so hot in the city you could barely breathe. And we sat in the fire escape drinking turns, running ice cubes down each others necks.
Daisy: Stop!
Alec: That's when you first said you loved me. "Forever, Alec. I love you forever." (She throws the vase of flowers at him but missed.) Now, is that anyway to treat the man who loves you?
Daisy: You're not a man. You're not even human.
Alec: Don't make me regret telling you who I really am. Don't you get it Daisy? I love you and now no one can stop us from being together. Think about it. I found you. What do you think that means? Yeah, that's right, I've clipped Leo's wings and soon he'll be gone so I can find you whenever I want.
(The manager knocks on the door.)
Manager: Hello, Manager, is everything okay in there?
Alec: I win.
Daisy: No, you only win if I come willingly and I never will.
Alec: Then I'll never go away.
Manager: Hey, I'm coming in.
Daisy: No, don't! (The manager goes in the room and Alec grabs him.)
Alec: Nobody can keep us apart now, Daisy.
Daisy: Please, stop!
(Alec's touch of death kills the manager. She climbs out the window. Prue and Andy come running in.
Alec: You can't run from me.
Prue: Daisy?!
(Prue uses her powers on Alec and flies across the room. Alec turns into some sort of dust and flies out the window.)
Andy: What the hell was that?
Prue: Welcome to my world.
[Scene: Halliwell house. Phoebe enters the attic.]
Phoebe: Hey, Prue's home, she just ... (Piper is reading a spell out of the Book of Shadows) I hear rhyming, what are you doing?
Piper: Everything I can. Look, we know Leo can't heal himself but maybe with his powers I can.
Phoebe: What are you talking about?
Piper: It's a power switching spell. If Leo and I exchange powers then I'll have the healing touch and maybe I can fix him.
(Prue comes in.)
Prue: Hey, what's going on?
Phoebe: Ah, you know, the usual, made some coffee, read the newspaper, walked in on Piper switching powers with Leo. You know.
Piper: I have to save him, Prue.
Prue: Okay, is it safe?
Piper: To tell you the truth I don't really care. He's slipping away and if either one of you have a better idea then I'm all ears, if not then I'm casting the spell and I would like to do it with the support of my sisters.
Prue: Cast away.
Piper: What's mine is yours, what's yours is mine, let our powers cross the line, I offer up this gift to share, switch our powers through the air.
Phoebe: Did it work?
Piper: I don't know. (Kit runs in and Piper tries to freeze him.) I can't freeze.
Prue: This is a good sign. The spell must of worked. That means Phoebe and ... (She touches Phoebe and has a premonition.) Oh, I think I just had one of Phoebe's premonition thingies.
Phoebe: Really? What did you see?
Prue: (She points to a lamp.) That shattering. (Kit jumps on the table where the lamp is.)
Phoebe: Kit, no! (Phoebe puts her hand up and she makes the lamp fly against the wall and smash.) Did I just do that?
Prue: Uh huh, and I saw it. So, okay, you're moving things, I'm having premonitions and Piper can't freeze which means ...
Piper: Am I gonna get yelled at?
Prue: It switched all of our powers?
Phoebe: It's a supernatural freaky Friday. (The phone rings.) Oh, you know what? I'm going to get that and I'm sure you guys will have all this worked out by the time I get back.
Piper: Okay, I can do this. Now, heal. Come on, heal. Why aren't these working?
Prue: Okay, okay, okay. Piper, relax. Remember when we first got our own powers, it took us a while to learn how to trigger them.
Piper: Well, I'm doing what I always do.
Prue: Yes, but maybe you have to find his trigger not yours.
(Phoebe comes back in the attic.)
Phoebe: Hey, that was Andy. A new charge came up on Daisy's credit card report. She bought a bus ticket twenty minutes ago. She's running again.
Prue: If she leaves town we'll never be able to find her. Let's go.
Phoebe: Wait, we have to switch our powers back.
Piper: Not until I heal Leo.
Phoebe: Piper, we have to get Daisy.
Piper: And I have to heal him, I'm not losing him again.
Prue: Okay, you know what, you stay here. We have to find Daisy before the Dark Lighter does. We'll just have to do it using each other's powers. Come on.
[Scene: Police station.]
Andy: You wanted to see me?
Inspector Anderson: Sit down.
Inspector Rodriguez: You make a habit out of showing up at the scene before the crime is reported, Inspector.
Andy: I don't know what you're talking about.
Inspector Anderson: Motel capree, no one called the manager's murder in, Trudeau. Not until you did.
Andy: I got a tip.
Inspector Rodriguez: You're lying. Witnesses placed you at the scene with a woman. 5"3' or 4', brunette, attractive. Ring any bells?
Andy: Last time I checked I didn't have to reveal my informers to you, Rodriguez.
Inspector Rodriguez: Maybe not in a court of law but the last time I checked we weren't in one. This is an I.A. investigation, you don't have the same rights. You have no idea how much I can hurt you.
Inspector Anderson: Just tell us who you're covering for, Inspector.
(Andy stands up and puts his gun and badge on the table.)
Andy: Screw you. (He walks out the room.)
[Scene: Bus depot.]
Daisy: Excuse me. Where can I find bus 24?
(The guy turns around and it's Alec.)
Alec: I told you I'd always be there for you, Daisy.
(She walks off quickly and bumps into a man.)
Daisy: I'm sorry. (The man turns around and it's Alec again.)
Alec: It's quite alright. I'm in no hurry. You care to join me?
[Cut to Phoebe and Prue entering the depot. Prue keeps poking Phoebe.]
Phoebe: Okay, are you trying to piss me off?
Prue: That's exactly what I'm trying to do only it's not working.
Phoebe: How do you know?
Prue: Because I don't see anything flying across the room. Look, you're gonna need to know how to use my power in case the Dark Lighter shows up, remember. When I first got my power it was anger that triggered it, so I need to push your buttons.
Phoebe: Okay, it's not that easy to break me.
Prue: What was it in high school that the guys started calling you after they caught you making out with someone under the bleachers.
Phoebe: It's not gonna work.
Prue: What was that? Oh yeah, Freebie! (The magazines on a rack spin around and fall off.) Well, class over.
Phoebe: You know that was just a rumour, right? Okay, now it's your turn. We need a premonition, where's Daisy?
Prue: Oh, do I have to? The last time I got all woozy and, and ...
(She touches a chair and nothing happens.)
Phoebe: Okay, you know, you guys take for granted that I'm your innocent yellow pages. Okay, this takes work.
Prue: It is useless, okay, I'm never going to get ... (she has a premonition) Do your ears ring when you do that?
(She nods.)
Phoebe: What did you see?
Prue: I can't be sure 'cause it went by so fast but if I was playing odds I would say it was Daisy.
Phoebe: Where is she?
Prue: Bathroom.
[Cut to bathroom.]
Daisy: (to herself) I'm gonna be okay, I can handle this.
Alec appears.)
Alec: You can't run from me, Daisy.
Daisy: Why won't you leave me alone?
Alec: Because we can be happy together. We were once, remember? All you have to do is come with me willingly.
Daisy: And what? Watch while you kill more innocent people?
Alec: He made me do that. That man would still be alive if he had just come with me. That's all I ask and the killing'll stop. We can have eternity together. (Daisy knees him in the stomach. Prue and Phoebe enter the bathroom.)
Prue: I believe this is the ladies room.
Alec: And this is a private conversation. (His crossbow appears.)
Prue: Oh, oh, Phoebe. (Phoebe puts her hand up and all the soap squirts out of the soap dispensers and the water comes out of the taps. Alec laughs.) Okay, now would be a very good time to get angry.
Alec: I've never used this on a witch before.
Prue: Oh, grandma's car, fender dented, you got blamed for it, I did it. (Alec flies into a cubicle.)
Phoebe: I got grounded for that, Prue.
(Prue picks up the crossbow.)
Prue: I've never used this on a Dark Lighter before.
(She shoots the arrow at him but he turns into dust and floats away.)
Daisy: Oh God, is he ...?
Phoebe: Daisy, Leo sent us, we have to take you to him. Come on.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Scene: Halliwell house. Piper is still trying to heal Leo.]
Piper: Oh God, please work. Come on. Work.
Leo: When I die ...
Piper: You're not going to die.
Leo: And when it happens this where I wanna be. I love you.
[Cut to downstairs. Prue, Phoebe, and Daisy enter the house. There are flowers sitting on a table.]
Daisy: Oh God, he found me again.
Phoebe: How do you know?
Daisy: That's what he does, he sends me flowers so I know he's watching.
(Phoebe reads the note.)
Phoebe: No, honey, these are for Prue.
Prue: They're from Andy, he needs to see me right away.
Phoebe: Something wrong with his phone?
Prue: It's a long story but I can't leave you guys.
Phoebe: No, Prue, we'll go up and check on Leo and remember I'm the one with the active power now. Go.
Prue: Are you sure?
Phoebe: Yes, absolutely, we'll be fine. Let's go check on Leo.
[Cut to the attic. Piper is sitting on the floor.]
Phoebe: Piper, we found Daisy ...
Piper: I tried. He's gone.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Scene: Halliwell house. Daisy and Phoebe are running down the stairs.]
Phoebe: I don't think this is the best time for you to be alone.
Daisy: Without Leo it's just a matter of time before Alec finds me again. I have to get away.
Phoebe: No. My sister's and I can take care of Alec.
Daisy: I don't want you to try. Too many people are dead now because of me and now Leo.
Phoebe: Honey, that's not your fault.
Daisy: I doesn't matter. When Alec finds me again he's not gonna let you get in the way either. It's better off that I leave. Trust me. I have to go.
Piper: Don't you dare. Leo gave up his life to bring you here. If you leave, Alec will find you for sure. And Leo's death will mean nothing. You're not going anywhere.
[Scene: A park. Andy is sitting on a seat swing. Prue walks up to him and sits down.]
Prue: So I take it we're not here for the same reason we used in high school.
Andy: Unfortunately, no.
Prue: Makes me kinda wish for the good old days.
Andy: We tried that already. Prue, I did everything that I could to keep Internal Affairs from finding out about you. There's not much more I can do after today.
Prue: Why? What happened?
Andy: I wouldn't tell them what they wanted to know. I turned in my shield. Automatic suspension. I gotta hand it to Rodriguez he's a pit bull. But when he connects you to all those unsolved cases he can put the heat on you to get to me. Unless you're careful. He's gonna figure out that it's you and your sister's that he really wants.
Prue: Wait, you just got suspended and you're telling me to watch my back?
Andy: Until I.A.'s off my case, it's better if we're not even seen together. You don't want them to connect the dots believe me.
Prue: I can't believe you're worried about me when you're about to lose everything that you've worked for.
Andy: Well, everyone of those unsolved cases that Rodriguez is tracking down, there's an innocent life that you and your sister's helped to save. What you're doing is the reason I became a cop. I guess that's how I do it.
Prue: I'm sorry.
Andy: No, don't be. Everything happens for a reason. Remember, you taught me that.
(Prue kisses him on the cheek.)
Prue: Thanks.
(She gets up and starts to walk away.)
Andy: Take care, Prue.
[Scene: Attic. Piper is watching Leo from the doorway. Phoebe walks up to Piper.]
Phoebe: I thought you might like to talk.
Piper: He could of stayed with us, he could of fought harder.
Phoebe: He was in pain, he had to let go.
Piper: He didn't have to, our magic's never failed before. I cast the spell, I took his power, all he had to do was show me how to do it and he never did.
Phoebe: How can you be mad at him?
Piper: Because it should of worked. Prue's having premonitions, and you figured out how to use her power, why couldn't I find a trigger? Why couldn't he just help me, give me his power?
Phoebe: He wanted to live, he didn't want to leave you. It's hard to lose someone you love.
[Scene: Later on. Piper's in the attic with Leo.]
Piper: I love you, Leo. (She's crying and a tear drop lands on her hand and her hand started glowing.) I found it. Leo, I love you. (She holds her glowing hand over Leo and she heals him.) Can you hear me? I love you, Leo, please hear me. (Leo wakes up.)
Leo: Piper. (They hug.)
Piper: Oh, thank God. I tried so hard and I couldn't make it work before. Why didn't you tell me?
Leo: That love was the trigger? You had to find that out on your own. Why couldn't you tell me?
Piper: I don't know. I was afraid, I was afraid if I admitted how I really felt it would hurt more if I lost you. I'm so sorry, I should of said it before.
Leo: It's better late then never.
[Cut to the stairs. Piper is helping Leo down them.]
Phoebe: Leo. Oh my God, how did you ...?
Piper: There's no time to explain.
Leo: You've been out of the cloak too long. Alec can find her.
Piper: Where's Prue? We need to get her back here and we need to find a spell to vanquish the Dark Lighter.
Leo: A power of three spell.
Phoebe: Okay, I think she has her cell phone on. (Alec appears. Phoebe tries to use Prue's power.) No! (The light bulbs smash above him. He grabs Piper.)
Alec: Alright, no more tricks, ladies.
Leo: Let her go, Alec.
Alec: I don't think so. I have what you love, you've got what I love. Care to trade? (Phoebe puts her hand up.) Don't do that. (His hand starts glowing.) I will kill her if I have too. You still think I'm incapable of love, Leo? You wanna see far I'm willing to go?
Daisy: Alec, no!
Piper: Daisy, stay back.
Alec: You shut up!
(Prue opens the door and Alec pushes Piper into Phoebe and grabs Daisy.)
Leo: No!
Prue: Phoebe, stop him!
(Alec disappears with Daisy.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Scene: Piper is using Leo's power to try and find Daisy.]
Piper: I can't do it.
Leo: Yes you can. You have everyone of my powers including the power to find Daisy.
Prue: Leo, wouldn't it be faster for you guys just to switch you powers back?
Leo: No, I'm still too weak. It's up to Piper. Trust me, Piper. Okay, look deep inside yourself, peace, place where you find love.
Piper: Right, I can hear her.
Leo: Listen to her, let her tell you where she is.
Piper: She's screaming, she's afraid, he's pushing her past some trees.
Leo: Can you recognize the place, can you tell where they're at?
Piper: Hero's Grove, Golden Gate park.
Prue: Let's go.
Piper: What about Leo?
Leo: I'm fine. Save Daisy.
Prue: Piper, we really need the power of three to do this.
Phoebe: Actually, I don't think we do. I think there's a better way. Piper, you stay with Leo. Prue, you drive, I'll talk.
[Scene: Golden Gate Park.]
Daisy: Why are taking me here?
Alec: You could of been my mate, Daisy, my equal.
Daisy: I don't understand.
Alec: And now you've made this place your death bed. It's your won fault you won't live.
Daisy: Please don't kill me. If you ever loved me.
Alec: If I ever loved you what? You think I could just get over you? Move on, find somebody else? You're the only woman I've ever loved, Daisy and now I'm the last man you'll ever leave.
(His hand glows red hot. Prue and Phoebe run over to them.)
Prue: Let her go!
Alec: She's mine.
Phoebe: Son of a ... (She uses Prue's powers and he flies through the air.) Do it Prue, now!
Prue: What's mine is yours, what yours is mine, let our powers cross the line.
Alec: You really should of stayed out of this.
Prue: I offer up this gift to share, switch our powers through the air.
(Alec's hand stops glowing and Prue's hand starts glowing.)
Alec: What? Where's my power?
Prue: It's hate. Hate is his trigger.
Phoebe: Then hate him.
Prue: No problem. Bring him to me, Phoebe. (Prue puts her glowing hand on his chest and burns him to death.) What's mine is yours, what yours is mine, let our powers cross the line.
Daisy: His gone. You did it.
Phoebe: You okay?
Prue: I can't believe how much hate that took. I never wanna feel like that again.
Daisy: You just gave me my life back.
Phoebe: Now, when we get home, you're gonna give me my power back, right?
[Scene: Attic. Leo and Piper are laying on the couch together.]
Piper: I almost wish I didn't give you your powers back. Then you wouldn't be able to leave.
Leo: Me too.
Piper: So if Daisy's a White Lighter to be, doesn't that mean you used to be ...
Leo: Human? Yes it does. I was actually born right here in San Francisco. I had lived here all the way up till I went after the war.
Piper: You mean like Vietnam?
Leo: No. World War II. I had left med school and enlisted as a medic. I wanted to help save people not shoot them. The last thing I remember I was bandaging a soldiers head wound and I felt a sharp pain and the next thing I know I was floating surrounded by White Lighters. They offered me immortality and the chance to help special people like you. I never once doubted that I didn't make the right choice. Till I met you. Ever since all I can think is how I'd give it up and have a mortal life again to have a family, grow old with you.
Piper: Is that possible?
Leo: Yea, I can become human again, Piper, if you want me to.
Piper: Are you kidding? I want that more than anything I don't want to lose you again.
Leo: But ...
Piper: But then you wouldn't be able to help other witches or other future White Lighters would you? You couldn't save the next Daisy.
(There's silence.)
Leo: I better go. (They kiss.) I love you.
(He disappears.)
Piper: I love you too.
[Scene: Construction site. Andy is meeting Morris there. The two I.A. guys are there in their car trying to hear what they're saying.]
Morris: How ya doing?
Andy: Been better. How about you?
Morris: Those I.A.'s son of a bitch made me work more.
Andy: Yeah. So you wearing one?
Morris: What do you think?
Andy: You in any kind of trouble?
Morris: Less than you.
Andy: I just want you to know I'm doing it for a good cause.
Morris: Andy, I'm your partner. More importantly I'm your friend. I wanna believe you're on our side. It would really help me if I knew why you were doing this. I'm not asking you for I.A. I'm asking you for me. I think you owe me one.
Inspector Rodriguez: I told you they would didn't I?
Inspector Anderson: Doesn't do us any good if we can't hear them over the noise. I sure wish I could read lips.
Morris: Who you covering for?
Andy: It's Prue. And all I can tell you is she's connected to all our unsolved cases.
Morris: Prue huh? I was so hoping you weren't gonna say that.
Inspector Anderson: I can't hear a thing.
Inspector Rodriguez: He's covering up for Prue Halliwell.
Inspector Anderson: What? How the hell did you know ... Oh my God.
(Inspector Rodriguez's eyes turn red and made the earphones that Anderson was wearing make a deafening sound.)
[Scene: Halliwell house. Piper is in the attic. She finds Leo's dog tags and puts them around her neck.]
Piper: Leo.
[Cut to downstairs.]
Phoebe: Is it just me or can you draw a chalk outline around this place?
Prue: Well, I don't know what you could possibly mean, Phoebe, I mean the weekend's almost over, we never made it to Cabo, I'm never gonna see Andy again, and Piper just lost the love of her life.
Phoebe: The glass is way more than half way full here, Prue, Piper saved the love of her life, Alec is long gone and Daisy's on her way back to her family. And we even managed to straighten out our powers thank God.
(She gets two pineapples out of the fridge.)
Prue: Thank God? I thought that you always wanted an active power.
Phoebe: Maybe, but I never thought I'd actually miss my premonitions. Your power was like wearing a dress that was too tight. Not that would ever happen.
Prue: Remember when I said you had no vision.
Phoebe: Which time?
Prue: Well, you would never hear it again. It takes a lot of strength to see what you see.
Phoebe: I'll drink to that. We can't go to Cabo, we might as well bring Cabo to us.
Prue: I don't know, Pheebs, we still have some serious problems.
(She plays some reggae music on the CD player.)
Phoebe: Problems are for Monday mornings. What do you say?
Prue: It's gonna be hell of a Monday morning but until then ...
(They toast their drinks.) | Plan: A: A gravely hurt Leo; Q: Who asks the Halliwell sisters to protect Daisy? A: Leo; Q: Who dies in the movie? A: the manor; Q: Where does Leo appear to the Halliwell sisters? A: an innocent woman; Q: Who does Leo ask the Halliwell sisters to protect? A: his guidance; Q: What is Daisy returning to San Francisco under? A: Daisy; Q: Who is being stalked by a Darklighter? A: Lisa Robin Kelly; Q: Who is Daisy? A: poisoned arrows; Q: What does the Darklighter use to kill Whitelighters? A: The Darklighter Alec; Q: Who fell in love with Daisy? A: Michael Trucco; Q: Who is Alec? A: love; Q: What is the trigger for Leo's mystical ability? A: the Darklighter's poison; Q: What is very deadly? A: Piper; Q: Who is unable to heal Leo? A: the Book of Shadows; Q: Where did Piper find the ability-switching spell? A: Leo's innate healing power; Q: What does Piper try to use on Leo? A: Phoebe; Q: Who is able to control Prue's powers? A: Prue vanquishes; Q: Who defeats Alec? A: his own magical ability; Q: What does Prue use to defeat Alec? Summary: A gravely hurt Leo appears at the manor, asking the Halliwell sisters to protect an innocent woman returning to San Francisco under his guidance. Daisy (Lisa Robin Kelly) is being stalked by a Darklighter who hunts and kills present and future Whitelighters with poisoned arrows. The Darklighter Alec (Michael Trucco) fell in love with her. Leo reveals that the Darklighter's poison is very deadly, and Piper finds an ability-switching spell in the Book of Shadows so she can use Leo's innate healing power on him. Unfortunately, this has the side-effect of switching everyone's respective abilities and they all have to try to learn to properly use them. While Prue and Phoebe manage to control each other's powers, Piper is unable to heal Leo and he dies. Afterwards, she admits her love for him and discovers that it is the trigger for his mystical ability and succeeds in healing him fully. She then tracks down Daisy, and Prue vanquishes Alec by utilizing his own magical ability against him. |
[PREVIOUSLY_ON]
Klaus: She is exquisite.
Lucien: Yes. Um, as her brother is wicked.
Lucien: The lord Tristan and his sister the lady Aurora.
Cami: Right now, people like me are out there getting killed by people like you, conveniently timed with the arrival of your old acquaintance.
Marcel: What happened?
Davina: I was attacked.
Davina: Kara, do not walk away from me.
(Chanting)
(Bones crack)
Davina: But I'm regent. They should respect me.
Marcel: The target on your back, it comes with the job.
Marcel: You got to respond with a show of force.
What are you doing to us?
Klaus: The Crescent curse. Now you will be trapped in wolf form.
Hunter: You're trespassing. This whole area is now property of kingmaker land development.
Hunter: My team and I are animal control.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ The Bayou ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Elijah: Hayley! Hayley! Hayley!
Jackson: Where is she? Where the hell is Hayley?
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Lafayette Cemetery ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Hayley screaming)
Hayley: Davina, let me out of here right now, or I swear I will kill you.
Davina: You can try, or we could have a polite conversation.
Hayley: You magically kidnapped me on the one night that I can see my daughter. Do not talk to me about polite.
Davina: I drew you here to help you.
Hayley: Elijah asked you months ago to break the curse, and you said no.
Davina: The regent of witches can't be seen doing favors for the Mikaelsons, but maybe we can help each other. Look. I have access to the witch ancestors. I can channel the power of the one who created the spell used to curse you. You can be free, Hayley.
Hayley: Under your terms, I'm guessing. Spill.
Davina: There's a witch in the ninth ward who hates that I'm regent. She tried to kill me. If I retaliate, I'm starting a civil war, and I don't want to do that.
Hayley: Fine. Just tell me who you want dead.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Ugh.
(Grunts)
Ergh! Unh.
Elijah: Take my blood.
Jackson: I'm good. We need to find Hayley.
Elijah: There's still no sign of her. I've seen the bodies.
Jackson: Hunters set up traps all over the bayou and mowed us all down with gunfire. Any wolf that wasn't taken out scattered. Elijah, how many bodies? A trap wouldn't hold Hayley after she turned back. Nothing would stop her from seeing that little girl. Something's wrong. Where are you going?
Elijah: I'm taking my niece home. Then I'll continue the search. You stay here, you tend to your dead.
Jackson: No, no. Look. I got 5 hours until I'm a wolf again. Elijah, she's my wife.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Maison Bourbon ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Dance music playing)
Marcel: Need a break from family drama?
Freya: Thank you. You see, I've been trying to get my brothers to mend fences, but Elijah remains bitter, and Klaus remains obstinate, thus tequila!
Marcel: Thing is, it's almost midnight.
Freya: Well, I'm not wearing glass slippers. Do you have to turn the best club in town into your personal blood bank?
Marcel: We feed on tourists, compel them to forget, locals turn a blind eye. That's how Nola works, has been for a long time, so unless you want to become an appetizer...
Freya: I'll pass.
Marcel: Good.
Freya: This one's coming with me.
(Music playing)
Woman: ♪ I'm gonna lose my faith ♪ ♪ I'm gonna burn it out ♪ ♪ I'm talking to myself ♪ ♪ The walls are coming down ♪ ♪ And every breath that I take ♪ ♪ Feels like the last, and I'm tired ♪ ♪ Every time it's a shot in the dark ♪ ♪ And I don't know why ♪ ♪ I'm feeling brave tonight ♪ ♪ I never won, I don't know why... ♪
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Cami's apartment / French Quarter ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Lucien: Listen to the advice of your superiors, then do better. Study the weaknesses of those who outrank you and eliminate them from your own experience. Authority is meant to be challenged. Great achievers refuse to stand in shadows.
(Applause)
♪ I kept it to myself ♪ ♪ I learned to turn it down ♪ ♪ And I've been living with the memory... ♪
Kinney: I need you to delete that.
Journalist: Freedom of the press, officer.
Kinney: It's detective. How about a little decency? That kid's got a family.
Journalist: I'm not instagramming it. I'm with the "sentinel." Would you care to comment on all the rumors...
Kinney: Behind the tape, please.
(Sirens, radio chatter)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Mikaelson Compound ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
♪ I never won, I don't know why ♪ ♪ I never won, I don't know why ♪ ♪ Whoa ♪
Klaus: I thought I smelled swamp.
Jackson: What'd you do with Hayley?
Elijah: Tell me what you know.
Klaus: Has Jackson misplaced his bride? Come to think about it, I did read that global warming has disrupted migration patterns. Try Georgia.
Jackson: I just left the bodies of people I care about to rot in the woods because you left them defenseless against poachers sent by kingmaker land development. That ring a bell? Yeah. The CEO is Lucien Castle. Elijah tells me that you two go way back.
Elijah: So, So I will ask you once again... What do you know?
Klaus: As it happens, I just came back. From a romp with our good friend Lucien. You can find him in the penthouse of the gawdy new construction on canal, and while you two are catching up, be sure to ask him about the prophetic vision he show me of our family's spectacular downfall. You could use a good laugh.
Elijah: Stay here. Niklaus and I will deal with this.
Klaus: Actually, as long as Hayley is prowling about on two legs and unaccounted for, I am staying with my daughter, and should I discover that this is yet another cockeyed scheme for Hayley and you to abscond with her... The paltry remains of your beloved wolf pack will be sniffing at your entrails come morning.
Elijah: This doesn't frighten you, brother, but one day, your daughter will know exactly the kind of man that her father is. If anything should happen to Hayley, you mark my words, no one will have to take hope from you. She will without question leave you of her own accord.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Lafayette Cemetery ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Hayley: You're completely cloth. No magic will be able to track you. The witch's name is Kara Nguyen. She runs the Café Chim Lac in the Lower Ninth Ward. She'll be there before done.
Davina: As long as the candle burns, your curse won't be active.
Hayley: And when a strong wind comes along?
Davina: My magic will protect the flame. Of course, you'll have to work with me.
Err. Unh!
Hayley: I'm doing this for my pack. If I turn into a wolf tonight before seeing my daughter, I will come for you, Davina, and I will tear you apart.
Davina: When the sun comes up tomorrow and you're still you, you'll owe me an apology. Heh. Unh!
Hayley: You have two hours. Get it done.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Mikaelson Compound ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Klaus: Freya, I'm aware that 21st century technology remains a mystery to you, but when you see my name pop up on your phone, you answer it. Come home immediately. Mere hours after you lecture me about boundaries, and here you are at my house in the middle of the night.
Cami: I came through the front door. You appeared through the window like a creeper. Besides, this is a matter of life and death.
Klaus: Oh, how novel.
Cami: Call it a hunch, but I think your friend Lucien is torturing and killing humans in the quarter. There have been two victims so far, but I've constructed a psychological profile of the killer, and I don't think it's going to end there.
Klaus: Lucien would never be so sloppy. Although I admit there is a familiar method to this particular madness.
Cami: You want to prove to me you're turning over a new leaf? Make sure this latest victim is the last one.
Klaus: Heh. Are you suggesting I prove my redeemability by killing my oldest friend? Such irony.
Cami: Look. NOLA PD can't take down a thousand-year-old psycho with vampire powers, but you can. You're the smartest and the strongest and the scariest, so make him stop.
(Biting sounds)
(Sighs)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Lucien's penthouse ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Doorbell rings)
Lucien: Elijah, what a glorious pleasure.
Elijah: I do apologize for the hour.
Lucien: Eh, it's no matter. I've long been nostalgic for the days when vampires conducted business in the dark. It's a boundary spell. No vampire from another sire line can enter without an invitation... Ahem... given the circumstances, you know.
Elijah: Lucien, I didn't come here to chinwag. Your little corporation has been butchering wolves in the Bayou Lafourche.
Lucien: It's population control. There's viable land out there, viable, that is, once the sudden influx of mangy wildlife has been eliminated.
Elijah: I take it you are alluding to the Crescent pack. Hayley Kenner, one of the alphas, is missing.
Lucien: TThe, uh, hybrid Nik knocked up? Heh. Surprised by your concern, Elijah. non grata, fair game.
Unh!
(Gagging)
Huhhh!
Jackson: Aah!
Lucien: Aah!
(Growls)
Jackson: Now he asked you what your hunters did to my wife. Answers now.
Lucien: Err. I'll have them inspect the road kill in the morning.
Elijah: Jackson, your time is short. You go to the compound, fetch the chains from the carriage room. My darling Lucien, I'm quite happy to stand here and watch you die, or you can invite me in. The choice is yours.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ French Quarter / Rousseau's ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Indistinct chatter)
Cami: Aah! Ohh!
Kinney: Hey. Hey. It's just me.
Cami: Maybe not the best time to be sneaking up on people.
Kinney: Oh, sorry. It's been a long night. I saw you walking in. Thought you might not mind pouring me a drink.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Mikaelson Compound ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Freya: Nightcap? You'll find bourbon on basically every horizontal surface.
Frat Boy: Or we could skip to the fun part.
Klaus: Freya! It is about time you brought a gentleman home to meet the family. I'm Freya's brother, and you are? No. Don't tell me. Let me guess... Brad, Chad, Brody? Let's go with Brody. What are your intentions for my sister? Shall we discuss a dowry?
Frat Boy: Bro, what the...
Klaus: Leave now. Well, he was drunk. No one will believe his story.
Freya: Not 3 months ago, you utterly despised me. Now you're playing protective brother.
Klaus: I'm sure you're quite capable of protecting yourself from the scourge of fraternity row. I need you to perform a locator spell. Hayley's missing.
Freya: You're worried about her.
Klaus: I prefer to know the whereabouts of my enemies. Besides, Hayley has a history of taking what's mine.
Freya: No. You're afraid she's truly lost. I'll need the best connection to Hayley. You'll have to wake Hope.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Rousseau's ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Kinney: So any progress on the killer's profile?
Cami: Listen. I know Vincent said that I could help, but you should probably consult someone with a little more experience.
Kinney: Yeah. True. I've seen you around town before with Klaus Mikaelson, a mysterious philanthropist/artist with no past on record. Is he a friend or a patient?
Cami: You know, I think we should call it.
Kinney: Cami.
Cami: I'm not allowed to discuss my clients.
Kinney: I know who you are.
Cami: Right. My brother murdered a church full of seminary students, so my name must be familiar to the local pd.
Kinney: It is. But after Vincent brought you around, I did further research. For example, your uncle Kieran's death last year, that autopsy report was just full of plot holes.
Cami: He had a heart attack.
Kinney: Perfectly rational explanation. There's always a perfectly rational explanation. Your family has a whole century of strange deaths, unexplainable behavior, grave robberies, beheadings, missing persons, police reports with entire sections blacked out. Whenever there's a problem in the quarter, there's an O'Connell either causing it or cleaning it up.
Cami: Are you accusing me of something?
Kinney: No. I just think your whole good catholic family thing is a cover. I just haven't figured out what you're covering yet, but I will.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Lafayette Cemetery / Mikaelson Compound / Chim Lac Cafe ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Davina: Ven el forte es cufe. Ven el forte es cufe.
Freya: Vinde val tratunderes. Vinde val tratunderes.
(Gasps)
Freya: I can't find her. There's... nothing. It's like she doesn't exist, or sh...
Klaus: Or she's dead.
Jackson: No, no. No. You have to find her.
Davina: No. No. Please. Please. You need to listen to me. Please.
(Bones crack)
(Panting)
(Crying)
Oh! Ohh!
Freya: Oh, Klaus, the chains.
Davina: Please. I know you don't want to help me, but Hayley can be used against Klaus. She's the only one that he truly fears.
(Bones crack)
(Grunting)
Jackson: Ohh! Freya, please! Please do the spell again! I can't go a month with... agh! Unh!
Davina: Please, please. I need you to listen to me.
Agh! Ohh.
Jackson: It stopped.
Hayley: Aah! Aah!
(Neck snaps)
Aah!
(Groaning)
(Screaming)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Lucien's penthouse ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Lucien: My contacts will get back to me if they have any information about a wolf matching your description.
Elijah: You're going to need Niklaus' blood for that wound. Just FYI. I'm sure he'll respond favorably once the mother of his child has been... Recovered.
Lucien: Oh, feel free to have a drink. She's not dead, just mouthy. I compelled her quiet.
Elijah: You can spare me the counterfeit camaraderie. So you say that you're in conflict with those of my sire line. Am I to assume that the lord Tristan Du Martel is up to his usual tricks?
Lucien: This is no quarrel, Elijah. We are on the brink of war. Tristan knows that if he kills Klaus he will eliminate all his enemies.
Elijah: And so wait. By this logic, am I to assume that I am your ultimate target?
Lucien: If I kill you, then I trade all of the money, the women, the jets all for an eternity on the run from Nik and Rebekah.
Elijah: Leave this city. No one needs your protection. The white oak was destroyed. We cannot be killed.
Lucien: You're wrong. Talk to Nik. He's seen the prophecies. Visions of darkness surround your family. You are not immune to death, Elijah, and you don't seem particularly fazed.
Elijah: Well, I'm no stranger to death, young Lucien. Or third-rate prophecies, for that matter...
Lucien: Or perhaps your immortality has finally soured you. After all, you've abandoned your eternal effort to save Nik's soul. What's left for the legendary Elijah Mikaelson without that single motivation?
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Lafayette Cemetery ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Marcel: We got a problem.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Chim Lac Cafe ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Marcel: 11 bodies, a lot of pissed off loved ones. They thought it was a vampire thing, but all my guys were accounted for at the abattoir last night.
Van: Where's my mom? Where is she? Oh, no! No, no!
(Sobbing)
Shh.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Mikaelson Compound / Lucien's penthouse ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Klaus: I taught you better than to leave your leftovers in the streets, my streets.
Lucien: You'll have to elaborate, mate.
Klaus: Two bodies were found sporting rather memorable lacerations. Are you exorcising your demons by carving up the innocents of New Orleans.
Lucien: Ha ha! Your family's full of unfounded accusations today, and if I was the culprit, why would you care? We used to make fantastic messes together.
Klaus: There is a delicate balance in this city. There are rules.
Lucien: Ahh. And people you care about. You can't afford weaknesses like that right now.
(Sighs)
Klaus: Speaking of weaknesses, there is a wolf chained to my wall who claims he took a chunk out of your arm. Come see me. I'll give you my blood in exchange for your word that these killings will stop.
Lucien: I'm afraid your family dog missed the mark friend. Barely a scratch. No venom reached the skin.
Klaus: You listen carefully, friend. My city has enjoyed months of relative peace. If that peace is any way disrupted, the next gruesome murder will be yours.
Lucien: Heh. Now there's the Klaus I know.
(Beep)
Freya: Can I get you some water or something?
Jackson: Let me out. It's dawn. I haven't turned back yet. It doesn't make any sense. I need to find Hayley.
Freya: I can feel the curse in your blood. Something's restraining it, but you could transition at any moment.
Hayley: Where the hell is that b*st*rd?
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Lucien's penthouse ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Chim Lac Cafe ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Davina: Versailles witches, this is an unbearable tragedy. In the wake of such sorrow, please allow me to bring you under the protection of the ancestors. Whoever did this was strong and, for all we know, might return. If you follow my rules, I promise to keep you safe. Nothing like this will ever happen to you. Not again.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Mikaelson Compound ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Jackson: Hayley, what happened?
Klaus: Hayley. Come to apologize for all your transgressions?
Hayley: Do you have any idea what you have taken from me? Aah!
Klaus: The very thing you sought to take from me... The chance to raise our daughter. Your punishment fits your crime.
Hayley: Your family was ruining her life.
Klaus: My family saved her life while you were off playing hide-and-seek in the forest!
Unh! Unh! Aah! God.
Jackson: Let me go. He'll kill her!
Freya: He'll kill you!
Klaus: There's a very short list of people who've tried to take hope away from me, and you're the only one left breathing.
Hayley: Are you that delusional, Klaus? You cursed all of us, every wolf that I fought for, everyone that stood up for our daughter. You took all of them away from their families.
Klaus: Yes, yes. Your precious pack, that family you chose over us, and in doing so, you chose over Hope.
Hayley: Is that what you were planning on telling her when she got older and asked for me, that I abandoned her?
Hayley: My parents left me! Yours turned their backs on you! Look at us now, Klaus! Aah!
Elijah: Niklaus!
Hayley: She deserves something better than what we had, and all I have ever wanted for her is something better!
Hayley: Fight back! Fight back! Ohh. She's walking. When did she start walking? I missed it. I missed everything.
(Hope crying)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Mikaelson Compound ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Jackson: Hayley. What happened? Is the curse broken?
Hayley: I'll explain later. We're safe for now.
Klaus: Good for you. I'll have your bedroom made up.
Hayley: The only way that I will stay under your roof is if I'm in a coffin.
Klaus: If you think I will allow hope out of my protection for a second...
Hayley: What you'll allow doesn't matter, Klaus. Welcome to a 21st century custody battle. Moms win them now.
Elijah: Elijah: If I may. The apartments across the street have recently been renovated. I might pay a visit to the management.
Elijah: The fact that hope will never be out of earshot should assuage your incessant paranoia.
Klaus: So we are to listen as my daughter is raised by savages?
Jackson: Because everyone here is so damn civilized?
Elijah: Brother, you created the problem. This might well be the solution.
Hayley: Put the place in Jackson's name.
Hayley: Klaus won't be invited in.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Lafayette Cemetery ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Marcel: You're gonna need to take care of those bodies discreetly.
Davina: I know. Keep everything covered up, keep it out of the papers.
Marcel: Davina. Tell me you didn't do this.
Davina: You're the one who told me I had to use a sign of force.
Marcel: Against the one who went after you. I did not suggest a massacre.
Davina: Are you really gonna lecture me about dead witches? This is New Orleans! We're always at war, and collateral damage happens. I learned that from you.
Marcel: Guess who I learned it from. You're not gonna get the better of Klaus by becoming him. All right? You need a break. Get out, live a little, have some fun. Vincent should have never gotten you into this. You're too young to have that kind of blood on your hands.
Davina: I'm a French Quarter witch. I was born with blood on my hands!
Davina: And you're not supposed to be in the cemetery, Marcel.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Mikaelson Compound ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Aah!
(Growling)
(Knocks on door)
Elijah: Are you ok?
Hayley: I'm fine. Come in. Jackson's gathering the pack to tell them to go back to their families, what's left of them.
Elijah: Ahem. You should be quite comfortable.
Hayley: Thank you for this. You know, there was a moment at the bonfire last year when I thought we would be ok, that hope could be raised by a real family. For the first time, I was happy. I hate Klaus for taking that away from me.
Elijah: These belong to you. I recovered them after you turned. I thought only of you. Every day, I fought for your return, and... Searching for a way. You were not forgotten.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Lafayette Cemetery ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Van: Those remains used to be my mom.
Davina: I'm so sorry.
Van: Spare me. She went after you.
Davina: We had our differences, but...
Van: Look. I'm gonna find out how this happened, and I'm gonna expose you. Then you'll be shunned, unable to practice, exiled from the city. Basically... I'm gonna erase you.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ New Kenner apartment ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Hayley: Ahem.
Jackson: Oh. Come on in.
The woodbine sessions: ♪ walking shadows ♪ ♪ Tracing silhouettes ♪
Hayley: Not quite as luxurious as the airstream, but...
Jackson: Eh, we'll make it a good home, Hayley. Hope will be surrounded by people who love her. She'll be happy, you'll be happy.
♪ Snapped beneath my step ♪ ♪ I'm still walking out... ♪
Hayley: Ohh. ♪ In thin air ♪
Jackson: What?
Hayley: I just missed you. ♪ Will I go far? ♪ Um... ♪ However I go, oh, I know ♪
Hayley: These were found in the junkyard. ♪ I go on ♪ Huh.
♪ I go on ♪ ♪ I go on ♪ ♪ I go on ♪ ♪ I go on ♪
Jackson: Well, you saved us again.
Hayley: Mmm. For now. Davina's not gonna let us forget she's the reason why we're here. Our freedom comes with a price.
Jackson: Everything does in this town, but the worst is over, and so just for today, why don't you let me take care of you for a change, huh?
Hayley: Ok. Just this once.
♪ I go on ♪ ♪ I go on ♪ ♪ I go on ♪ ♪ Standing in the shadows ♪ ♪ I go on ♪ ♪ I go on ♪ ♪ I go on ♪ ♪ Standing in the shadows ♪
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ French Quarter ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Cami: Staking out my apartment now. Something else you want to steal?
Kinney: All the interesting stuff was password protected, but I knew Vincent wouldn't just pull you in for kicks. You're not an amateur.
Kinney: I finished up the end of that video you were watching. Lucien Castle. Highly motivating. Feeling like my best self already.
Kinney: So he fits the profile, right? What, narcissistic personality disorder?
Cami: I should report you.
Kinney: You definitely should, yet you haven't because you know I was right about your family. You're not a suspect, Cami. I'm actually looking out for you. I think you're mixed up in something much bigger than you realize.
Cami: Trust me. I realize.
Woman on radio: Possible serial killer in the quarter.
Cami: Wait. Turn up your radio.
Man on radio: While police refuse to release information, sources allege that a manhunt is on for a possible serial killer. Two violently mutilated bodies entirely drained of blood have been recovered.
Kinney: How the hell did they know about the blood?
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Lucien's penthouse ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Lucien: Hmm. You're welcome for the tip.
(Sighs)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Mikaelson Compound ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Freya: I suppose I was misguided to believe Hayley's return would ease tensions in this house.
Elijah: Misguided, delusional, refreshingly optimistic.
Elijah: You're new.
Freya: What is it?
Elijah: I received some unsettling information. From Lucien Castle. I don't trust the source, but I... trust you.
Freya: If you fed on this prophetic witch, her blood is still in your system. If there's a weapon that can kill you, we need to know.
Freya: No mentre le prophecie que la otra ve. No mentre le prophecie que la otra ve. No mentre le prophecie que la otra ve. No mentre le prophecie que la otra ve.
Elijah: Freya? Stop!Freya? Stop!
(Gasps)
Freya: It's true. You have a terrible shadow over you. Rebekah, too. If this prophecy is fulfilled, you will all fall. One by friend, one by foe, and one... By family.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Buddhist Monastery ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Swords clanging)
Aurora: You're distracted. My time with you is limited, Tristan.
Tristan: I'm thinking only of you, sister. I'm told there was an incident here yesterday.
Aurora: Well, as I recall, I was awaiting your visit when I received a letter informing me that you were unavailable. Can you imagine my dismay?
Tristan: I had so hoped you would handle it better.
Aurora: I get better every day. And you always say, "it won't be long now." Well, it's time. I'm fine. Let me out!
Tristan: You know I can't do that while you're in this state. I will miss you, though, my sweet Aurora.
Aurora: Miss me? You're leaving? No. No! Why? Aah! Tristan, no. No, please.
Tristan: Shh.
Aurora: Please. I'll be better.
Tristan: Shh.
Aurora: Please take me with you.
Tristan: Shh.
Aurora: Take me with you.
Tristan: Shh. It's all right. It's all right.
Aurora: Tristan, please.
Tristan: Increase her dosage while I'm gone. She may be a danger to others, to herself. Tell her I'll be back soon, and I'll bring her a gift, a lovely little souvenir... From New Orleans. | Plan: A: Hayley's safety; Q: What do Elijah and Jackson worry about when they discover that poachers have begun taking out werewolves in the bayou? A: Hayley's whereabouts; Q: What does Davina know that the others don't? A: Cami; Q: Who approaches Klaus with her theory on who is behind the murders in the French Quarter? A: Klaus; Q: Who takes extreme measures to determine the validity of the prophecy? A: an unsettling warning; Q: What does Lucien deliver to Elijah about the war brewing among the sire lines? A: a dire prophecy; Q: What does Klaus receive about the future of the Mikaelson siblings? A: Marcel; Q: Who is the brother of Freya? Summary: IMPENDING THREATS AND A DIRE PROPHECY - After discovering that poachers have begun taking out werewolves in the bayou, Elijah and Jackson grow concerned for Hayley's safety when she fails to show up during the full moon. Meanwhile, Davina, the only one with the answer to Hayley's whereabouts, plots ways to use that to her advantage. Elsewhere, Cami approaches Klaus with her theory on who is behind the series of murders in the French Quarter, while Lucien delivers to Elijah an unsettling warning about the war brewing among the sire lines. Finally, after receiving a dire prophecy about the future of the Mikaelson siblings, Klaus takes extreme measures to determine the validity of this potential impending threat. Marcel and Freya also appear. |
Year 2030
Ted: OK, where was I? It was June 2006 and life had just taken an unexpected turn.
Ted's daughter:Can't you just skip ahead to the part where you meet Mom? I feel you've been talking for like a year
Ted: Honey, all this stuff I'm telling you is important. It's all part of the story.
Ted's son: Can I go to the bathroom?
Ted: No. The summer of 2006 was both wonderful and awful. For me, it started out great. (In 2006, Ted and Robin are kissing after the rain dance) In fact, day one was amazing. I'd finally gotten together with Robin. But while I'd been off having one of the best nights of my life, your Uncle Marshall had been having one of the worst nights of his (Ted finds Marshall on their stairs, holding in his hand Lily's engagement ring). Year 2006 (Before Ted arrives, Marshall and Lily are in the apartment, arguing)
Marshall: So that's it? We're breaking up?
Lily: Marshall, I'm sorry. I just... I just need to go to San Francisco and do this art program and figure out who I am outside of us. And the only way that I can do that is if we don't talk for a while.
Marshall: For a while? Try never, OK? You walk out that door and we're done. You're never gonna hear my voice again.
Later, Ted joined Marshall.
Marshall: I should call her.
Ted: No! No! If you call her, when she asked you not to, you're just gonna look weak and you're gonna regret it. Now, listen. Whenever you feel like calling her, you come find me first... and I will punch you in the face.
Marshall: You're a good friend Ted.
(Robin arrives.)
Robin: Hey! So, did you hear the big news?
Ted: You mean how Lily and Marshall broke up and Lily is gone and nothing else even remotely important happened last night? Yeah, I think he knows.
Robin: Oh my god! I... I'm so sorry. What happened?
Marshall: Well, she left. And I don't even know if she's coming back.
(Barney arrives.)
Barney: I didn't get your message until I woke up. Bro, I am so sorry.
Marshall: Thanks.
Barney: I know it must be tough. But are you ready to hear something that will not only make you feel better but will actively excite you?
Marshall: Sure.
Barney: For the first time ever, the three of us are single at the same time. I've dreamed about this day boys and it's going to be legendary! Together, we will own this city. Any time, a girl wants to get back at her ex-boyfriend, we'll be there. Any time a girl wants to solve her father issues through promiscuity and binge-drinking, we will be there. Any time a bachelorette party drives through the city in a limo sticking their heads out, shouting "What's up New York?" we will be what is up New York! Gentlemen, we are about to embark on... (While he's speaking, Barney looks at Ted and then at Robin). Oh man, you guys did it, didn't you?!
CREDIT TITLES
Ted from 2030: One thing I learned that summer is that when love is beginning (Ted and Robin are making out) and love is ending (Lily is leaving the apartment, leaving Marshall alone) the first thirty days are remarkably similar. (DAY ONE, Ted and Robin are in bed after they had s*x) For one thing, you spend most of the time in bed (Marshall is in his bed groaning // DAY EIGHT, Ted and Robin are at MacLaren's with Barney, kissing and laughing. Barney seems to kill himself, miming a gun in his mouth) Your friends can't stand to listen to you (DAY SIXTEEN, Barney is with Marshall who is crying and says "It was a really beautiful song". Barney mimes a rope around his neck). And you never seems to wear pants. (DAY TWENTY-TWO, at the apartment, Robin is going to the bathroom only wearing a T-shirt while Marshall is wallowing on the couch in underpants. Ted, in underpants too, comes out of his room).
Ted: Hey Marshall.
Marshall: Hey Ted.
Ted: Are you hungry?
Marshall: What's the point? I could it some food, it's just gonna leave me.
Ted: At least in that scenario, you get to do the dumping. Come on, it's Sunday, it's pancakes day!
Marshall: Lily always made the pancakes. God, I loved her pancakes. So soft. So warmed. So perfectly shaped.
Ted: Are we still talking about her pancakes? Come on, you gotta eat something. What can I get you?
Marshall: Beer.
Ted: No, that's what you had for dinner.
Marshall: Fine. Than I'll just have the leftover
(He pulls a beer out of the couch)
DAY THIRTY-ONE, Ted, Robin and Barney are at MacLaren's.
Barney: So he stays home all the time not getting laid? No, see, that's what you do when you have a fiancée. He should be down here celebrating. He's free. He got that red-head-tumor removed.
Ted: You should write and illustrate children's books.
Barney: You know what Marshall needs to do? He needs to stop being sad. When I get sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead. True story.
Ted: It's only been a month. He just needs to goat his own pace. Anyway, lily is the one who caused this whole mess.
Robin: Hey, cut her some slack! She's our friend too. She's just trying to figure out who she is.
Ted: Figure out who she is? She should call me. I got a whole list. She's selfish, she's immature, she's...
Robin: What?
Ted: God, your eyes are so blue.
Robin: Teddy bear... (They kiss, Barney mimes his death with a sword. Ted and Robin look at him and keep kissing)
Ted from 2030: Yeah it was hard to feel too bad. I was dating the woman of my dreams and things were going great. Well, for the most part. (Ted and Robin are watching TV, Marshall comes out of the bathroom, a bottle of shampoo in his hand).
Marshall: So, I find her shampoo. I guess she left it here. It smells like her. Like lavender and seashells. Hope. Somehow erotic and comforting all at the same time.
Robin: That's my shampoo.
Marshall: Oh. Sorry.
Ted and Robin are in Ted's bedroom, making out.
Robin: I thought he's never go to sleep.
Ted: Uh-oh.
Robin: Already?
Ted: He's calling her. Dammit!
Robin: I don't hear anyth...Ted (going out of the bedroom): He's calling her! (Tackling Marshall) Argh!
Marshall: Oh! OK, you're right. I won't call her. I will not call her.
Marshall comes in the bathroom, Ted and Robin are taking a shower together.
Marshall: Well, I called her. And get this, she changed her number. Well like I'm gonna stalk her or something? Like she's so special?! Like she's the only Lily Aldrin out there? 'Cause there are four others in the San Francisco area alone, and they all seem a lot better than her, based on the brief conversations I had with them!
Robin (to Ted): Does he know I'm in here?
Marshall: Yeah. Hey Robin. Anyway, one of the Lily Adrins...
At MacLaren's.
Robin: This has to stop! Ted, we just started dating. We agreed we don't wanna move too fast and yet somehow we have a baby. He can't feed himself, he cries a lot, he keeps us up all night...
Barney: Have you tried breast-feeding? Nailed it!
Ted: They were together nine years. It's only been a month and a half. He just needs to go his own pace.
Robin: He slept on our floor last night Ted.
Ted: He watched a scary movie.
Robin: It is time for some tough love. We need to get him out of that apartment. He needs fresh air. He needs sunshine.
Barney: Mmm. Sunshine.
DAY FORTY-ONE, in a strip club.
Man: Gentlemen, please welcome to the stage Sunshine!
Marshall: Barney, I really don't think this is gonna help.
Barney: Do you know why you're not over Lily yet? It's 'cause you can still picture her naked. You can't get over a woman until you can no longer picture her boobs. It's a scientific fact. The average male brain can only store a finite number of boob images, or BPEGs and your hard drive's filled to capacity with Lily's.
Marshall: There are a lot of them.
Barney: They won't go away until you overwrite them with images of other women's boobs. Now, this journey may take as many as a million boobs so we begin here tonight my friend. Two at the time. Those count as four.
DAY FORTY-FOUR, at a base-ball game.
Ted: Yeah, this is fun, right? We're outside, it's a beautiful day. The Indians are winning!
Marshall: I gotta admit, it is really nice to be outside.
Man: Yankee's fans, please turn your attention to the Diamond Vision for a special seventh-inning-stretch surprise.
Ted: Oh, no. (A man is proposing to his girlfriend. Marshall stands up and throws a hotdog at the engaged couple.)
Marshall: It's all a big lie! She's just gonna break your heart! (Men drag Marshall out of the stadium) You can drag me outta here, but she has no soul!
DAY FORTY-SIX, at MacLaren's.
Ted: We've tried everything. Baseball, strippers. The guy still won't eat a damn pancake. I think he's beyond repair.
Robin: See, this is the problem with guys, you don't know how to deal with heartbreak.
Barney: So what's your prescription, Dr Oestrogen? Eat Häagen-Dazs and Watch Love actually until your periods sync up? (Ted and Barney laugh)
At a shooting-range, Robin is shooting.
Robin: Yeah, that's the stuff.
Marshall: Oh my God! How long have you been doing this?
Robin: My Dad taught me to shoot when I was a kid. Now, whenever I'm feeling lonely or depressed, I come here and it reminds me that... guns are fun!
Marshall: Um, you know, Ted is kinda against guns.Robin (turning to Marshall, her gun still in her hand): That's why Ted never gonna find out about this. Whoa! That sort of got scary with me holding a gun, didn't it? No, I just mean, please don't tell Ted. You wanna try?
Marshall: Only hell, yes. Oh yeah, yeah. This is what I needed. I felt so powerless this whole time but this... This is power, this is... (He shoots and falls down)
Robin: I should have mention the recoil.
At MacLaren's.
Ted: I'll hand it to you. When he got home, Marshall was smiling. Did you sleep with him? 'Cause I was actually like three days away from suggesting that.
Robin: Sometimes, all you need is to get in touch with your feminine side. (We see Marshall shooting and laughing maniacally )
Ted: Well, congratulations. You're the first person to cheer him up all summer. You win.
Robin: Oh! What do I win?
Ted: I'll tell what you win. I'm taking you away this weekend.
Robin: You are? That's so nice!
Ted: My aunt and uncle have a beach house at Montauk. It's really romantic. My uncle had, like, three affairs there.
Robin: Wow, it must be a nice house. I saw pictures of your uncle. This is so great. We'll finally get some time alone. Are you sure Marshall is gonna be OK with this?
DAY FIFTY-FIVE, at the apartment.
Marshall: Yeah sure. Absolutely. Dude, I'm doing much better. In fact, take my car.
Ted: Really? Hey, thanks. And hey, if you need anything, day or night, just call me. You know what? Please don't call me. What? What's wrong?
Marshall: It's Lily's credit card bill. She must have forgotten to switch her address.
Ted: So?
Marshall: I wonder what kind of charges she's making out there.
Ted: No, no. No good can come from looking at this. You've made too much progress already.
Marshall: I know, but I just...
DAY FIFTY SIX, at MacLaren's. Marshall is holding Lily's credit card bill which he stuck back together.
Marshall: August 5, one charge - tickets. To what? George Clinton and the P-Funk All Stars. August 10, one charge, Tennis Emporium. August 18, two charges. Mario's bistro and - get this - Pet Palace. You guys see what it means right?
Marshall daydream, in San Francisco.
Lily: Wow, Mario's bistro. What a perfect place to whore around.
George Clinton: Only the best for my little Lily Pad.
Lily: Oh funk legend George Clinton, I am so glad you spotted me at your concert an drag me on stage to dance with you Courteney Cox style.
George Clinton: I am so glad you agreed to play tennis with me.
Lily: Oh you know, Marshall tried to get me to play tennis for nine years but I didn't do it because I never truly loved him.
George Clinton: I got you a gift.
Lily: Oh! A ferret. I'll buy it some food next door at the Pet Palace. I've always wanted one, but Marshall have this secret phobia of ferrets.
George Clinton: I bet that's something he made you promise to tell nobody.
Lily: It was! Oh, I love you funk legend George Clinton.
George Clinton: I love you too, Lily. That's right Marshall, she's all mine. Now I'm gonna let her play with my hair.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Back at MacLaren's.
Ted: That's the craziest thing I've ever heard.
Robin: Yeah. Why are you afraid of ferrets, they are adorable.
Marshall: Because, Robin, they are like fuzzy tube-shaped rats.
Barney: Those charges are from a month ago.
Ted: Exactly!
Barney: For new charges, you have to go to her online account. You can see credit card activity from like two hours ago. But... You know... Don't... (Marshall leaves the bar, running).
Ted: Why do you talk? Why do you talk?
At the apartment.
Barney: He needs her password. Its not like he has her password. Ooh, he has her password. This is... He has her password.
Marshall: There is a charge from earlier today. The Kellet Hotel, on Fifth. I don't believe this. Lily is back in New-York. (...) I can't believe this. Lily's in New-York? I guess I'd been thinking when she got back she's call me. That's the only reason I've been able to hold it together so far this summer.
Robin (to Ted): This has been holding in together?
Marshall: OK, you know what? I'm calling her.
Ted: No! You're not calling her. This changes nothing. (To Barney) You, come here. (Barney and Robin follow Ted in the kitchen). While we're away this weekend can you keep an eye on him? Make sure he doesn't call her hotel.
Barney: You want me to baby-sit him? 20 bucks. An hour. And money for pizza.
Ted: Um yeah. How about you do it for free or every time we hang out you have to watch this. (To Robin) Come here my little baby. (Ted and Robin are making out)
Barney: OK, I'll do it! Stop being a couple.
Robin: Marshall!
Ted: Marshall! Marshall!
(Back in the living room)
Marshall: Ted, I know I shouldn't do this but I have to!
Ted: Everything we've worked so hard for...!
Marshall: Hello, Lily Aldrin's room please. Thank you.
Ted: Hang up now!
Marshall: Ted, I can't hang up now.
Ted: Hang up now! Hang up now! Hang up now! Hang up!
Marshall: Hello?! (He hangs up) A guy answered. There is... There is a guy in her room. I'm going down there.
Barney: No!
Ted: Dude, you can't...
Marshall: I have to go down there and I have to tell her I love her. I have to beg to take me back even if I have to tell on my knees.
Robin: Marshall, you can't do that!
Marshall: Really? Why not?
Ted from 2030: 56 days. That's how long it took me to get right about here.
Ted: Because you're pathetic! I'm sorry. But right now, you are not Marshall. You are the miserable, whining, shampoo-sniffing ghost of Marshall and frankly, a guy like you doesn't have a shot in hell with a girl like Lily. You know who might have a shot somewhere down the line? Marshall. The real Marshall. But if you go down there now like this, you'll blow it for him and he's never gonna forgive you. Of course, whatever I say, you just will do the opposite so, have a great weekend, good luck screwing up your life. Come on, Robin... Is it still OK if we borrow the car?
Barney: Bold. Bold to go for the car.
In the car.
Ted: What?
Robin: I didn't say a thing.
Ted: You think I was too hard on him.
Robin: I didn't say a thing.
Ted: I can't believe you're accusing me to be too hard on him. You're the one who said tough love.
Robin: Yeah, tough love, not hand the guy a noose.
Ted: Oh, but it's OK to hand him a 9 mm? Yeah. He told me. So you're a gun nut?
Robin: No, I'm a gun enthusiast.
Ted: Do you know how many people are killed...
Robin: The Second Amendment protects my right to bear arms...
Ted: Alright, alright. I was too hard on him.
Robin: A little.
Ted: I'm gonna call Barney, see how they're doing.
[Phone call]
Barney: Barney.
Ted: Uh, hey. Where are you guys?
Barney: We're at a fundraiser helping young women raise money for college.
Ted: Strip-club. Nice. Is Marshall OK?
Barney: Yeah, he's here and he's great. Hang on. Marshall, tell Ted... Uh-oh.
Stripper: Already?
Ted: What? What uh-oh?
Barney: He's gone.
Ted: You lost him? I can't believe it! He's gonna go down to that hotel.
Barney: Crap, you're right. OK, here is the plan. Here is the plan. You go down to the hotel and find him. I'll stay here and get a lap dance. Bye Ted!
Ted: Barney![End of the phone call]
Robin: Is there a hot tube at your uncle's place?
Ted: A really nice one.
At Lily's hotel.
Ted: Hi. Uh, could you tell me what room Lily Aldrin's in? Thanks. Marshall!
Marshall: Hey.
Ted: What happened?
Marshall: Well, I went up to Lily's floor...
[Flashback]
Marshall:...and I had this little speech in my head. Everything I've been wanting to say to her all summer about love, loyalty, respect. I knocked on the door. (A man is opening the door and Marshall is punching him in the face).
[End of flashback]
Ted: You knocked out Lily's new boyfriend?
Marshall: Yeah. It wasn't Lily's boyfriend.
Ted: What? Who was he?
Ted from 2030: His name was Joey Adalian. He went by a number of aliases as an identity thief. Apparently, earlier in the summer...
[Flashback]
Lily: Oh, this is so embarrassing. I could've sworn I have some change. I know, I know, I'm sorry. Oh, here we go. No that's, that's a button... It was a button. Do you take credit cards?
Waiter/Joey Adalian: Yes, I do.[End of flashback]
Ted: So Lily is not back in town and she doesn't have a boyfriend. That's good news, right?
Marshall: Yeah. I don't know. Those credit card charges were the only remaining connection I had to her. I don't know where she is or what she's doing. She was my whole life man and now she's... She's gone.
Ted: You know, first day at college, I showed up, I was so freaked out and I got up to my room and there was my roommate, lying on the bed with his feet up on the wall. He had headphones on, a big smile on his face like he just didn't give a crap. Happy. Confident. Not afraid of anything. That guy was you. You before you met Lily.
Marshall: Ted.
Ted: Yeah.
Marshall: I was high that day. I was. I was so high I thought you were the dean.
Ted: What I'm saying is, there's a version of you without Lily and... It's not this. You can't let Lily stole your identity the way that guy stole hers.
Marshall: OK.OK! Resolved. Starting tomorrow, I'm going to start being OK. Cheers.
Ted: Cheers.
DAY FIFTY-SEVEN, at the apartment.Ted from 2030: But it wasn't. 'cause that's no how life works. The next day he found one of her socks or something and we were back to square one. And then, one morning...
DAY SIXTY-SEVEN, still at the apartment.
Robin: Ted. Ted you should see this.
Ted: Oh, what now? Marshall? What are you doing?
Marshall: It's Sunday. It's pancakes day.
Ted from 2030: It took him 67 days and one really disgusting batch of pancakes, but Marshall had come back from the dead. Because while baseball, strippers and guns can help, the only thing that can really heal a broken heart is time.
(Lily is at the door of MacLaren's. Seeing Marshall, Barney, Ted and Robin laughing, she half-turns.) | Plan: A: Marshall; Q: Who finds a credit card trail that leads to Lily's hotel? A: Lily; Q: Who does Marshall want to see, but the gang tries to keep him from going? A: a strip club; Q: Where does Barney take Marshall to help him get over Lily? A: Ted; Q: Who takes Marshall to a Yankees game? A: the city; Q: Where is Lily's hotel? Summary: The gang tries to help Marshall get over Lily. Barney takes him to a strip club, and Ted takes him to a Yankees game. Marshall finds a credit card trail that leads to Lily's hotel in the city, but the guys try to keep him from going to see her. |
LUCAS: (v.o) Previously on One Tree Hill.
[INT. JAMES SCOTT APARTMENT - FRONT DOOR - EVENING]
(The door opens to show Haley's sister, Taylor, soaking wet with a low-cut halter top on.)
TAYLOR: (Hands on hips.) You're Nathan, right?
NATHAN: (Squinting as he tries to recall.) Yeah, do I... do I know you?
TAYLOR: Well you should; I'm your sister-in-law.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[EXT. THE RIVERCOURT - DAY]
(Nathan is standing with Lucas on the court as they have a brotherly bonding session.)
NATHAN: Dude, the thing is... when I saw her; I got that déjà vu thing.
LUCAS: So you probably saw her around school.
NATHAN: She was kinda the first girl I ever had s*x with.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. JULES' HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - EVENING]
(Jules and Dan have just finished listening to the recording of Keith declaring his love for Jules.)
DAN: (Smiling smugly.) Nice work, Jules. Just like we planned. (Takes a sip of his lighter fluid *alcohol*.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. JULES' HOUSE - DINING ROOM - EVENING]
(Lucas is sitting at the dining table. Jules is standing on the other side as Lucas grilles her about her connection to Dan.)
LUCAS: What did Dan ask you to do?
JULES: Make Keith fall in love with me; (Pause) TheN break his heart.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. ROE RESIDENCE - LUCAS' BEDROOM - DAY]
(Karen is standing in Lucas' bedroom having a screaming match with him as he refuses to take a test for a disease that could kill him.)
KAREN: Dan's heart condition; is it genetic?
LUCAS: (Laying on his bed with a book.) Yes.
KAREN: You are taking the test(!)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[EXT. THE RIVERCOURT - EVENING]
(Anna is confessing to Lucas about her feelings for girls and guys.)
ANNA: There were these... rumours that got started. (Off Lucas' face.) But the thing is, they were true.
LUCAS: What were the rumours?
ANNA: That I like girls.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. SAWYER RESIDENCE - PEYTON'S BEDROOM - DAY]
(Anna sits on Peyton's bed as she kisses her.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[EXT. THE RIVERCOURT - EVENING]
LUCAS: (Sincerely) I won't say anything.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[EXT. NEW BRUNSWICK COUNTY TRANSIT AUTHORITY - EVENING]
(Chris and Haley stand on the platform; kissing.)
HALEY: I can't do this.
CHRIS: (Annoyed) You're not ready.
(Haley watches him leave and closes her eyes.)
FADE TO BLACK:
OPENING CREDITS SEQUENCE:
[SCENE_BREAK]
[EXT. ROE RESIDENCE - FRONT DOOR - DAY]
(The camera zooms into the closed door, pans up and through the window. Lucas is in bed in his surprisingly empty bedroom. The clock radio turns on; signalling his need to wake up. Lucas moans and covers his head with his covers. Its 8:30am. A woven basket bangs onto the tabletop beside the clock radio and Lucas jumps slightly, turning.)
(Karen yanks the clock out of the wall and winds the cord around it.)
LUCAS: Mom, what's going on?
KAREN: You wanna live in my house - against my rules?
(She and dumps it unceremoniously into the basket next to all of his other things which she has stripped the room of.)
KAREN: (Looks back at him and takes his CDs off the shelf.) You're sure as hell not gonna be comfortable doing it. (Dumps the CDs in too.)
(She takes the basket and walks to the door.)
LUCAS: (Sighs) The heart test? (Sits up.)
(She turns to him.)
LUCAS: Look, I'm sorry mom, but this is my life.
KAREN: You know, if I'd been that selfish at your age, you might not be here right now(!)
LUCAS: (Scoffs) You can't make me take this test, mom.
KAREN: (Walks to him with purpose.) Yeah, well we'll see about that. (Pulls his covers off and walks away.)
LUCAS: Hey, Mom!
(He's left with his mattress, in his t-shirt, boxers and thermal socks.)
(Karen exits the room without a reply.)
LUCAS: MOM?!
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. CARL'S CRAB SHACK - DINING AREA - DAY]
(Camera focuses on a crab before panning to show Brooke, sitting at a table, talking with a would-be employer.)
CARL: You seem like a decent kid... but most of the applicants at Carl's Crab Shack have um... (Lifts her resume to show how blank it is.) have some work experience.
(Camera pans to show one line sentences for each question.)
BROOKE: OK, fair enough. But I make up for my lack of experience in other ways; I am really good with people. I mean, my friends really like me and I know my crustaceans; lobsters, crab, shrimp - they're all very... tasty.
CARL: (Looking at her resume.) OK, now um... I have your number-
BROOKE: Look, Mr... (Looks at the embroidered name on his top.) Crab Shack Carl, I need this job. My car insurance is due, I am on my own and I can not lose my mode of transportation.
CRAL: (Nods) OK, I'm gonna give you a chance. You can start today.
BROOKE: (Pleased) OK.
CARL: But, I don't have any waitress slots open right now. This is more of a, um... a PR job.
BROOKE: (Smiling) PR, oh PR is perfect for me.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[EXT. CARL'S CRAB SHACK - STREETS - DAY]
(Brooke stands outside in a red and white crab costume with a sign around her neck that says: 'I GOT CRABS AT CARL'S'. She looks ridiculous. Horns beep.)
BROOKE: Come get the crabs at Carl's Crab Shack.
(She tries to contain her embarrassment as a group of laughing girls pass.)
BROOKE: Crab cakes, crab steaks and creamy crab shakes. (Holds her arms out. A woman walks past and looks at her.) Come get the crabs at Carls Crab Shack.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[EXT. SCOTT RESIDENCE - FRONT DRIVE - DAY]
(Dan is playing basketball by himself as Lucas walks up the footpath. Dan sees him.)
DAN: (Trying for wit.) If you came by for a game, Lucas, you know I can't let you play. (Throws the ball again and misses.)
LUCAS: (Pissed) What're you doing to Keith?
DAN: (Holds the ball and looks at Lucas.) You mean Keith Scott; the new VP at Dan Scott motors? Company car, six figure salary, Keith Scott?
LUCAS: With Jules?(!)
(Dan's smile drops.)
LUCAS: She told me everything. Don't deny it. (Dan looks down and Lucas shakes his head.) And I wanted to believe that you'd somehow changed. (Walks away.)
DAN: Keith slept with Deb!
(Lucas Stops and looks on, frowning, before turning back to an approaching Dan.)
DAN: What kind of man sleeps with his brother's wife?
LUCAS: (Defensively) You're lying.
DAN: Am I? Ask him. The night I walked in on them was the night I had my heart attack. (Stops in front of Lucas.) And I wanted revenge; just like any man would. (Lucas shakes his head.) But after a few weeks I came to my senses; I couldn't do that to my own brother, no matter what he did to me. That's why I gave him the job - out of guilt... and I told Jules to leave town quietly.
LUCAS: Whatever, why should I believe anything you say anymore? (Tries to leave again.)
DAN: Because it's the truth. I don't know what she's still doing here. Maybe she's seen his paycheque. (Turns and throws the ball; this time he sinks it.)
(Lucas turns and walks away.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. JAMES SCOTT APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - DAY]
(Taylor puts a CD into the laptop drive and plays it. 'Glad' By Chris plays and she turns the music up.)
HALEY: (Coming into the room.) Shut that off(!)
TAYLOR: Is this the infamous Chris? (Nods, impressed. Haley slams the laptop shut and the music cuts off.) Sounds sexy(!)
HALEY: Nathan is in the bedroom; do you wanna start World War Three? (Takes the laptop and puts it on the counter.)
(Taylor smiles and turns to watch her sister, getting a glimpse of Haley's tattoo.)
TAYLOR: (Amused) Nice henna tattoo.
HALEY: It's not henna.
(Taylor runs up to her and looks at it closely.)
TAYLOR: It... is real!
(Haley shoves her away.)
TAYLOR: 23? That how many tequila shots it took you to do it?
HALEY: (Walks into the kitchen.) Stop it(!) (Opens a cupboard door.)
TAYLOR: (Sits at the counter.) Hey, what happened to the whole; tattoos are for sluts and burnouts sermon that you gave me?
HALEY: Uh, 23 is Nathan's jersey number and you permanently marked your body with some random... spider.
TAYLOR: The scorpion paralyses its victims. (Smiles) Nothing random about that.
(Haley rolls her eyes and turns away.)
HALEY: (Peels a banana.) Yeah, I bet. (Bins the skin.)
TAYLOR: You got a tattoo. (She doesn't quite believe it.) And, conveniently, it's... in the exact same spot as me. (Haley peels her banana some more.) I guess you don't disapprove of your older sister so much after all.
HALEY: Don't flatter yourself. (Sits)
TAYLOR: Does this mean you didn't wait for the ring to give it up either?
HALEY: I waited, until I was in love.
(Nathan enters the kitchen.)
TAYLOR: How about you, Nathan? Were you in love the first time you had s*x?
HALEY: Tay!
TAYLOR: What?(!) We're family now, we shouldn't... have secrets.
(Taylor waits and Nathan looks at her, guiltily uncomfortable.)
NATHAN: It's not really any of your business but the truth is... whoever my first was, (Looks at Haley.) wasn't nearly as important as my last.
HALEY: (Looks at her sister before turning back to Nathan.) Thank you. (Kisses him.)
(Haley walks further into the kitchen and Nathan's expression clearly tells Taylor that he's not happy with her. Taylor smiles contentedly. He looks back at Haley for a beat.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. ROE RESIDENCE - FRONT DOOR - DAY]
(The front door opens and Karen walks in with a bag, followed by Andy who's carrying and even bigger bag.)
ANDY: Now you're sure that my staying here isn't an inhibition?
KAREN: Of course not (They walk down the hall.) we've got plenty of room.
ANDY: Well, the last time I had my hardwood floors refinished (Puts his bags down.) it, uh, it took almost a week.
KAREN: Oh. (Takes her coat off.)
(The back door shuts and Lucas enters.)
ANDY: Hey, Lucas.
LUCAS: Hey, Andy. Uh, OK, um... if you need anything, you know, stereo, Playstation... clean underwear (Karen's not smiling.) (Points behind him to the back door.) check the garage.
ANDY: (Miffed) ...Thanks, I will.
(Lucas nods, smiles and looks at his mother before slowly turning and walking away.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. CARL'S CRAB SHACK - COUNTER - DAY]
(Brooke and the other crabs are standing in line, waiting for their paycheque of the day.)
BROOKE: (Pouting) (Turns to the girl behind her.) Stupid little kids. One of them poured a soda down my hole and now I'm all sticky.
GIRL 1: Honey, that's nothing. One time a gang of eight year olds pushed me into the fountain. Wanted to watch the lobster swim. (Brooke gapes.) I'm Marla.
BROOKE: (Sympathetically) I'm Brooke, and you are so not a lobster(!)
(Marla shrugs and they try to shake hands but their costumed hands impede them.)
BROOKE: (Struggling) Um... (Gives up.) Hi. (Waves her crab claw at Marla.)
MARLA: (Waves back.) Hi.
BROOKE: Yeah. So how long have you been doing this?
MARLA: Um, six weeks. I used to be a giant beaver down at the lumber yard so at least I'm moving up. (Brooke nods.) It's a sucky job but I really need the money, so.
BROOKE: Tell me about it. (She moves up to the counter where Carl is counting money.)
CARL: Thirteen, fourteen, fifteen. (Puts the money in front of her.)
BROOKE: That's it? (Carl looks at her and takes his glasses off.) The six most humiliating hours of my life and I made fifteen dollars?(!)
CARL: I deducted the usual fee for costume rental and dry-cleaning.
BROOKE: (Gapes at him.) That is a total racket(!) We bust our butts out there all day. I have a blister from this thing, OK? We should be getting hazard pay.
CARL: (Holds up the money.) Any of you other crabs feel this way?
(Camera pans around to the other crabs. They are uncomfortable, shaking their heads.)
CARL: (To Brooke.) Well then, if you don't like it, I guess it's, uh... goodbye car insurance (Holds her money out to her.) hello city bus.
(Brooke gapes at him for five seconds before snatching the money and stepping away. She looks at the money, depressed, and walks off.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. SCOTT RESIDENCE - KITCHEN - EVENING]
(Dan is sitting at the counter, in front of a cookbook. Deb walks past behind him and hands him his post.)
DAN: Hey, thanks.
DEB: (Looks at the book.) Dan Scott (Smiling) looking for recipes? (Laughs and walks off screen.) I have officially seen everything. (Opens a cupboard door and takes out a mug.)
DAN: (Looks up and smiles.) I was thinking about inviting Keith and his girlfriend over for dinner. (Deb stops.) They're getting serious; time she met the family.
BED: (Pours coffee into the mug.) Well, wouldn't that be a little awkward?
DAN: (Assessing her.) Why should it be? (Deb doesn't need to explain.) You and Karen both slept with me and you still figured out a way to be friends.
DEB: Well, (Puts the jug down.) That's what I mean. She seems like such a nice person, (Takes milk out of the fridge.) one night with our crazy family, she might skip town.
DAN: Ah, I don't think so.
DEB: A-and this isn't just another opportunity for you to... rip Keith apart?
DAN: It isn't. (Deb gives him a look.) Promise. (She puts the mug down.) I'll call Keith and set it up.
(Deb smiles and walks off. Dan looks at her retreating back, evil grin in place. He flips another page of the cookbook.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. JAMES SCOTT APARTMENT - KITCHEN - EVENING]
(Haley is sitting at the kitchen counter, typing on the laptop. She is looking very shifty. Camera cuts to the computer screen and we see that she's writing an email to Chris. It reads: 'Chris, how are you? How's New York? Wondering how the showcase went.')
(Her phone rings. She looks at the screen and answers it.)
HALEY: (Cheerfully into the phone.) Hello!
NATHAN: Hey, it's me. Uh... what're you doing?
HALEY: Oh, nothing, just... thinking of you. (She presses a button on the laptop and the message sends. A box on the screen says 'You're message is being sent.')
(Haley looks at the screen, torn.)
FADE TO BLACK:
COMMERCIAL SET:
[SCENE_BREAK]
[EXT. THE RIVERCOURT - DAY]
(Anna and Lucas are walking down by the river, enjoying a good old chat... with drinks.)
ANNA: So, Keith slept with Nathan's mom?
LUCAS: (Holds his hands out.) I don't know. I mean, can't really trust what Dan says. (Laughs sardonically.)
ANNA: But you know Jules and Dan set Keith up? (Lucas shrugs.) Are you gonna tell him?
LUCAS: I mean, if I don't, I'm basically lying to my uncle.
ANNA: And if you do, it'll crush him.
LUCAS: Yeah. (Sighs) I mean, I just can't believe Jules. I mean, she says she loves Keith (Pause) but, I mean, what kind of a person would do something like this in the first place? You know?
ANNA: Maybe Jules was a bad person when she went into it... but now her feelings for Keith are real.
LUCAS: Or (Wags a finger and laughs cruelly.) maybe it's all just part of the lie.
(Anna doesn't know what to say so she settles for nodding.)
LUCAS: Thank you (Pause) for talking to me about this, Anna. It feels good to... have at least one person in my life that knows the truth.
ANNA: Well, you're that person for me. (Lucas smiles.) Although, there is... one other person who knows.
LUCAS: (Nods knowingly.) Felix.
ANNA: Not hardly. Peyton.
LUCAS: Ah, you told Peyton?
ANNA: No... but she... kind of found out when (Pause) I kind of kissed her.
(Lucas chokes on his coffee and wipes his mouth. Anna laughs weakly. Lucas makes a few shocked noises.)
ANNA: Luke.
LUCAS: Hold on, hold on. (Holds up a hand.) I'm picturing that.
ANNA: (Smacks him on the arm.) OK, don't be such a guy! (He laughs.) It was only the single most embarrassing moment of my life!
LUCAS: (Holds his hands up.) Sorry.
ANNA: Let's just say - it didn't end well and... now she's avoiding me.
LUCAS: No, no, it's not that at all. (Pause) She just... took a little road trip. She only told me and Brooke.
(Lucas laughs.)
ANNA: What?
LUCAS: Nah, it's just kinda funny. Last time I kissed Peyton, it didn't end well either.
(They laugh and Anna shoves him. They continue walking.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. TRIC - STAIRS - DAY]
(Keith is dressed in a suit and walks to the stairs. Jules is climbing them and looking worried at his expression.)
KEITH: We have to talk. (Jules just stares.) You didn't call me back.
(Jules smiles as he takes her bucket. She kisses him and they walk to the table.)
KEITH: So we still on for tomorrow night?
JULES: Definitely.
KEITH: Well that's good, cos I just got a call; we're invited to dinner - at my brother, Dan's, house.
(Jules' face is guilt ridden as she continues walking.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. JAMES SCOTT APARTMENT - HALEY AND NATHAN'S BEDROOM - DAY]
(Taylor walks into Haley and Nathan's closet and takes out one of Haley's tops. She walks out and puts it on the bed as she starts to unbutton her ridiculously small sweater. Nathan walks into the bedroom, arms crossed.)
NATHAN: What the hell are you doing?
TAYLOR: (Turns to him.) Shopping. But, apparently, I'm the only James that got the good taste gene.
NATHAN: You know what I'm talking about. (Taylor turns to look at him.) We agreed to keep what happened between us a secret.
TAYLOR: (Brushing it off.) Relax, Nathan, Haley doesn't have a clue. (Grins and turns back around so she can continue to unbutton the 'bandage'.)
NATHAN: I went out on a limb for you.
(Taylor looks at him as she takes the bandage/sweater off. Nathan looks away and sighs.)
NATHAN: I said you could stay here because I knew you didn't have anywhere else to go.
(Taylor, in a black bra and hands on pockets, walks up to Nathan.)
TAYLOR: And I... really appreciate it. (Nods)
NATHAN: (Completely serious.) If you keep this up, I'll throw you out on your ass.
TAYLOR: (Catty) Or maybe I should tell Haley about our history; (Pause) (Smiling) and then you'll be the one out on your ass. (She smiles some more and then turns back to the top. Her smile vanishes.)
(Nathan leaves the bedroom, arms still crossed. Taylor turns back for a second.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[EXT. CARLS CRAB SHACK - STREETS - DAY]
(Camera pans to Brooke standing outside of a shoe shop and looking longingly at some shoes on display at the window. A boy of around eight runs up and taps her on the shoulder. Brooke turns to him.)
BROOKE: How'd you like a crab leg up your ass?!
(The boy runs away.)
(Brooke's pouting when Felix comes up.)
FELIX: (Grinning) Nice claws. (She looks at him sadly.) I though you said you had a crappy new job.
BROOKE: Why are you here; to make fun of me?
FELIX: No, I came to have lunch, and give my waitress girlfriend a big tip.
BROOKE: Well surprise, I'm not a waitress, I'm a crab.
FELIX: Trust me, that's no surprise.
BROOKE: I applied everywhere OK? This was the only job I could get. (Shrugs) At least I look good in red.
FELIX: (Nods) Um-hum. (He takes his phone out and aims the camera at her.)
BROOKE: (Wining) Oh, Felix, come on(!) Felix, come on, NO!
FELIX: (Smiling) Just one. Just, come on. Come on!
BROOKE: (Waving her claws about.) No, don't take a picture of me. NO! Enough! Enough, OK?
(Felix takes the picture anyway.)
BROOKE: Enough! Stop!
FELIX: (Smiling) Wait a minute.
CARL: (o.s) Hey!
(Brooke turns around to Carl who is standing across the street.)
CARL: Snap to it, Crabitha! (Felix looks at Carl.) And no flirting with the sailors!
(Brooke walks across the road with purpose.)
BROOKE: (To herself.) OK. (Watches for oncoming traffic before returning her attention to Carl.) Hey, Carl, I'm just curious. I've been at this for three hours, so, when do I get a break? (Stops in front of him.)
CARL: State law says I don't have to give you a break. (Brooke glares.) A shark stops swimming; it'll drown. (Felix is crossing the road. Carl turns to walk away.)
BROOKE: But I'm a crab!
CARL: Whatever. It's all fish! (Leaves)
BROOKE: (To Felix.) I HATE (Jabs a claw.) that guy! I don't know why any of the rest of the crabs put up with him.
FELIX: (Walking with her.) They probably need money, like you. Otherwise, you could all band together and pince him to death. (Puts his hand on her shoulder.)
(The wheels in Brooke head start whirring.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. KEITH'S APARTMENT - FRONT DOOR - DAY]
(Keith opens the door to Lucas.)
KEITH: Hey, Luke(!) What's up?
LUCAS: I need to talk to you.
KEITH: (Frowning) Is everything OK?
LUCAS: Remember when we were in Charleston? And you said you'd done some things you weren't proud of? (Shuts the door.)
KEITH: (Nods) (Almost whispering.) Yeah.
LUCAS: (Puts his hands in his pockets.) Was it Deb? (Pause) You and Deb?
(Keith pauses before sighing and turning around.)
KEITH: It's, um... it's kinda complicated, Luke.
LUCAS: No, not really(!) I mean, there's some lines you just don't cross!
KEITH: It was a mistake, I know. I know it's no excuse but... I was lonely. Your mom had just turned down my proposal and... and it just... sorta happened.
LUCAS: (Angry) Look, its bad enough it was someone's wife but Dan's wife?! He's never gonna let that go!
KEITH: I know you're disappointed in me, Luke. I'm never gonna make a mistake like that again. (Lucas looks away and shakes his head.) I'm with Jules now. (Lucas squints at his.) And I'm not gonna do anything to mess that up.
(They look at each other. Lucas tries to cover up his curiosity.)
LUCAS: So... things are going well? With you and Jules?
KEITH: (Nods) Yeah. I never thought I'd feel this way again; after your mom. But... she's the one Luke.
(Lucas nods.)
KEITH: Look, I-I'm not proud of what I did with Deb and... that's the only reason that I kept a secret from you. (Lucas broods.) You understand that, right?
LUCAS: (Nods and backs towards the door.) Sure.
(Keith moves forward to stop him but Lucas holds up a hand and opens the door - walking through it without a word. Keith sighs.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[EXT. ROE RESIDENCE (STOCK) - DAY]
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. ROE RESIDENCE - LUCAS' BEDROOM - DAY]
(Lucas is sitting on his bare bed, writing in a book. Andy enters and knocks on the wall. Lucas looks up immediately.)
ANDY: (Examining the room.) You know, I've been to Turkey; they have prisons more comfortable than this. (Lucas laughs and shakes his head. Andy pulls a small box out of his shirt pocket.) Here, I swiped you some saltines. (Throws the box at him.)
LUCAS: (Catches them.) Oh(!) (Smiling) Thank you.
ANDY: (Sits on his bed.) Ah, just don't tell the warden.
(Lucas smiles and puts them on his bedside table.)
ANDY: You know, at least she's creative. Single moms are the toughest. I guess they have to be.
LUCAS: I think I kinda lost her.
ANDY: Or you could just take the test. (Lucas smirks at him.) I had to try. (Laughs) I mean, you know she's just worried about you, right?
LUCAS: Yeah, I know, but at a certain point, she needs to just... you know, trust me to do the right thing.
ANDY: (Throws up his arms and stands.) Alright. (Sighs) just... (Sighs again.) don't be too hard on your mom. (Pause) Sometimes, people do crazy things when they're desperate.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. TRIC - BAR - DAY]
(Jules is moving around behind the bar, on the phone.)
JULES: Family dinner was never part of the arrangement.
DAN: (Through the phone.) It was my wife's idea.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. SCOTT RESIDENCE - TRAINING ROOM - DAY]
(Dan is walking at a steady pace on a treadmill.)
DAN: Couldn't talk her out of it. Just a simple dinner. Consider it overtime.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. TRIC - BAR - DAY]
JULES: I told you, I'm not doing this anymore. What Keith and I have is real.
DAN: (Through the phone.) If that's the case, why don't you come over to dinner and convince me?
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. SCOTT RESIDENCE - TRAINING ROOM - DAY}
DAN: Maybe we'll discuss a change of plans.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. TRIC - BAR - DAY]
(Jules looks at the phone and shuts it. She looks off to the side.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. KAREN'S CAFÉ - DINING AREA - DAY]
(Haley is waiting tables and pouring coffee for people. The door opens.)
HALEY: (Looking towards the door.) Hey. (Pan to show Nathan.) So, ah, I was thinking about asking Karen if we could live here till Taylor's gone; maybe like, put a mattress behind the counter or something. (Continues to walk.)
NATHAN: Yeah, um... we need to talk about her.
HALEY: Ah-ha! Yeah, I warned you about her. Give Taylor and inch and she'll take whatever the hell she wants. I know her a lot better than you do. (They sit on a couch near the window.)
NATHAN: (Pauses for a long time.) Alright, Haley... we got married... so quickly, we never really... had the talk that most people have when they get engaged. (Haley waits.) About... you know, past relationships, (Pauses before saying uncomfortably.) sexual history.
HALEY: Ah, (Puts the coffee jug down.) well that's probably because I can give you mine in under ten seconds while yours is catalogued in the Library of Congress. (Laughs) (Nathan doesn't smile.) What's (Hits him with her dishcloth.) going on?
NATHAN: (Sighs) Alright. My first time... was at this party at my parent's beach house. (Inhales deeply.) I was pretty wasted and I... never... really saw the girl again. (Pause) Until now. (He looks at her.)
HALEY: Until now...?
NATHAN: (Sighs again.) Haley, listen, I swear, I hadn't even heard of you (Haley's getting it.) when this happened, OK?
HALEY: Taylor?
NATHAN: I'm sorry, I just, look (Pause) she threatened to tell you and I just thought you should hear it from me.
HALEY: (Visibly upset.) You slept with my sister?
NATHAN: This was like two years ago! I (Sighs) look, I didn't know you; I didn't even know there was gonna be a you.
HALEY: (Quietly) I should go. (Stands)
NATHAN: (Stands also.) Haley?
(She walks off with the jug and plate.)
(Nathan sighs.)
FADE TO BLACK:
[SCENE_BREAK]
COMMERCIAL SET:
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. JAMES SCOTT APARTMENT - KITCHEN - EVENING]
(There are candles situated all over the apartment again. Taylor is at the laptop, doing god-knows-what. A beep sounds and an instant messenger window pops up. It's from Chris and says: 'HellInKeller: I'm thinking about you.)
(Taylor frowns and replies: 'Who is this?')
(Chris replies: 'Chris'.)
(An evil grin crosses Taylor's face as she types back: 'I'm thinking about you, too.')
(Chris replies: 'I want to kiss you again, Haley.')
(Taylor looks at it and gapes. The front door opens and Taylor closes the IM.)
TAYLOR: (To Haley.) You're home early.
HALEY: (Shuts the door and takes her bag off.) You're home all the time. What're you doing on my laptop? Cruising for jailbait? (She hangs her coat up.)
TAYLOR: Excuse me?
HALEY: Well I heard your speciality is deflowering freshmen(!) (Drops her keys on the table.)
TAYLOR: So the Boy Scout told you. (Haley stands in front of her sister, glaring.) Quite a coincidence, huh? Eh, but look, look at it this way; now we can compare notes.
HALEY: (Grabs her hair.) IT'S NOT FUNNY TAYLOR!
TAYLOR: (Screams and gets off the stool.) Ow! (Grabs Haley's hand.) Would you... (Struggles) let GO!
(Haley back off and glares at her sister. Taylor looks at the laptop.)
TAYLOR: If you wanted to find someone I hadn't slept with, you could've moved to Alaska.
HALEY: You know what, (Tries to attack her again.) do you think my relationship with Nathan is just a big joke?!
TAYLOR: (Pushes Haley away.) NO! Of course not! But I think that Chris is a laugh riot.
HALEY: (Pauses) What are you talking about?
TAYLOR: I'm talking about you, bitching about your husband's past when you have a present! I was online and I got an IM, or rather, you did. You've been kissing Chris.
HALEY: I don't... I don't know what you're talking about.
TAYLOR: Are you sleeping with him?
HALEY: (Faces Taylor.) No!
(Taylor's seeing her sister in a new light.)
HALEY: (Looks down.) It's not what it looks like, OK?
TAYLOR: (Hands on hips.) Oh, really? Cos it seems to me like Saint Haley is just as bad as the rest of us(!)
HALEY: (Pause) Taylor, Nathan can not find out about this.
TAYLOR: (Pauses before she nods.) Fine, Hay - but you have to let me stay here. At least until I figure out what I'm doing.
(Haley doesn't say anything. She shuts her laptop harshly and walks away. Taylor sighs.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. CARL'S CRAB SHACK - CHANGING ROOMS - DAY]
(Brooke struggles out of the crab costume.)
GIRL 2: (Walks past, behind Brooke.) That costume is so sweaty. (Brooke manages to pull it off.) I had a rash all over my. (She stops at her locker and stops talking.) Well anyways, I got a rash. (She reaches into her locker.)
(Girls laugh.)
MARLA: I've got carpal tunnel from snapping my pincers all day long.
(Girls are getting changed all around the locker room.)
BROOKE: OK, you guys, we can stand around the break room and complain and... be crabby, or we can figure out a way to protect ourselves from that guy. But if we wanna change things, we have to do it together.
GIRL 2: (Laughs) So you wanna form, like, a Crab Union?
BROOKE: I'm thinking more along the lines of a Crab Sorority. We make a list of our demands and we take them to management.
MARLA: OK, look, it's not a bad idea... but I've got a two year old at home. I really need this job. Besides, I've seen Carl fire people who make trouble.
BROOKE: OK, but what if I can find a way to guarantee that none of us get fired? Are you all on board?
(A girl in the back nods.)
MARLA: Yeah.
GIRL 2: (Nods) Yeah.
BROOKE: (To some other girls.) You guys?
GIRLS: Yeah.
BROOKE: (Nods) OK. (Claps her hands together.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. ROE RESIDENCE - LUCAS' BEDROOM - DAY]
(Lucas is in his bed with a horrendous black throw with blood red roses as patterns. He pulls it over himself and his shoes stick out of the end. He's just too tall for it. Keith enters. Lucas is looking at his shoe.)
KEITH: (Confused) What're you doing?
LUCAS: (Laughs) Nothing. What's up?
KEITH: Well, I didn't know how soon I'd see you again after yesterday so, uh.
LUCAS: (Sits up and gathers the throw, taking it off himself.) Yeah, I know, I- (Puts the fabric aside.) I've been thinking about that a lot. I came down pretty hard on ya. (Pause) Yeah, you weren't the only one running away to Charleston.
KEITH: Yeah, well, don't worry. You weren't any harder on me than I was on myself. (Walks to his bed.) But, um, that's not what I wanna talk to you about. (Sits on the bedside table.) (Sighs) This, um, HCM thing. (Lucas looks away, annoyed.)
LUCAS: Look, I don't care what mom told you. Right, I'm not taking the test.
KEITH: Yeah, that's what I said. (Lucas blinks at him.) You know, we've got the same genes, Luke. I'm just as at risk as you are. And I've been putting off the test too. You wanna know why? (Lucas looks at him.) Because I'm scared.
LUCAS: (Understands) Yeah. (Inhales) Me too.
KEITH: But I've decided I'm gonna take the test; if it'll give Jules piece of mind.
LUCAS: (Squints) Jules wants you to take the test?
KEITH: Ah, she's been bugging me about it for three weeks. You know, just like your mom. You know, that's what people do if they care about you, Luke.
(Lucas nods.)
KEITH: How bout we go together? Not for us, (Pause) for them. (Puts a hand on Lucas' shoulder.) Just give it some thought, huh? (Sighs and looks at his watch.) OK, I... gotta get going. (Stands)
LUCAS: Hey, Keith. (Keith turns to him.) Thank you for being here for me.
KEITH: Always.
LUCAS: And I just want you to know, I'm here for you, too. (Pause) No matter what happens.
KEITH: Don't worry about the test, Luke. Everything's gonna be OK.
(Lucas' worry returns as Keith exits.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[EXT. THE RIVERCOURT - DUSK]
(Nathan is on the court, playing basketball when Lucas approaches. Nathan sinks the ball twice.)
LUCAS: Don't worry, Nate. You don't have to throw the ball at the river. (Holds up a hand.) Just here to watch.
(Nathan bounces the ball once and looks at Lucas.)
LUCAS: What's going on with you?
NATHAN: It's a long story. (Pause) Actually, it's not a long story; uh... (Sighs) I kinda told Haley that I slept with Taylor.
LUCAS: Oh! Wow. Guess I'm not the only one who doesn't wanna go home.
(Nathan sighs and throws the ball again... it goes in. Lucas catches the ball.)
LUCAS: You know, I've been thinking lately. (Throws the ball at Nathan.) Maybe it's OK to lie, (Pause) if you're doing it to protect somebody.
NATHAN: (Grins) Now you tell me.
LUCAS: (Laughs) I mean, look, when you got together with Haley, you were just doing it to screw with me, right?
NATHAN: Yeah, (Shoots the ball again.) pretty much. (Lucas catches the ball again.)
LUCAS: But... when she found out (Gives Nathan the ball.) she was able to forgive you.
NATHAN: Yeah, but that's all Haley. (Lucas shrugs.) Why? What'd you do wrong?
LUCAS: Nothing, really. I mean, at least I didn't sleep with Taylor.
NATHAN: (Smiles and shakes his head.) Yeah, well, I better go home and try to get Haley to forgive me again.
(Lucas laughs and the nod.)
NATHAN: Alright, man. (He turns and bounces the ball off the court as he walks.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. JAMES SCOTT APARTMENT - COUNTER - EVENING]
(The camera pans across the laptop screen. Chris' website; 'Keller Instinct - the Chris Keller blog' is up and Haley is looking at it. She scrolls down and smiles, fondly, at it. She shuts the laptop and the front door opens. Nathan enters.)
NATHAN: Am I in the right apartment? Where's that... nasty incense smell?
HALEY: Oh, Taylor, went out for a jog. (Smiles at him.)
(Nathan seems to enjoy sighing this episode.)
NATHAN: Does this mean you're talking to me again?
HALEY: (Smiles) I'm really sorry, Nathan. I... (Shakes her head.) overreacted. What happened with you and Taylor was a long time ago and I just don't... have any right to be angry.
NATHAN: (Exhales) Wow, I am in the wrong apartment.
HALEY: (Sighs and stands.) Besides, (Walks to him.) the things we did in the past don't mean anything, right?
NATHAN: Well, (Takes her hands.) you don't have to worry anymore. I, uh, went through your family album and I haven't... slept with any of your other sisters.
(Haley hits him playfully. He hugs her.)
NATHAN: Listen, Haley, (Looks down at her.) look, I don't wanna hurt you. I don't wanna lie to you either. I know how honest you are with me. (They kiss.)
(Haley turns her head away and looks completely guilty.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[EXT. SCOTT RESIDENCE - FRONT DOOR - EVENING]
(Keith and Jules walk up the drive to Dan and Deb's front door.)
JULES: Keith? (He looks at her.) Promise me we can talk later.
KEITH: We'll have dinner first and then we'll see if you're still talking to me. (Jules smiles and Keith kisses her on the cheek.)
(The front door opens to show Dan, already looking at where Jules is standing.)
KEITH: Danny! This is Jules. (Looks at Jules.) Jules, this is my brother, Dan.
(Jules smiles tightly at Dan.)
DAN: Nice to meet you Jules. Come on in
(Jules glares at him as she steps through. The door closes.)
FADE TO BLACK:
COMMERCIAL SET:
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. SCOTT RESIDENCE - DINING ROOM - EVENING]
(Deb passes the tiny bread buns to Jules; she passes it to Keith who passes it to Dan.)
KEITH: There you go.
DAN: (Takes a tiny bread bun.) So, Jules, how does someone like you end up with someone like my brother?
JULES: (Smiles at Keith.) Just good luck I guess.
(Keith smiles at her. Dan has his ever-present smirk in place.)
DAN: Oh, come on, it's gotta be more than that. (Breaks the tiny-bread-bun in half.) What's your story? Where're you from?
JULES: Texas.
KEITH: (Looks at her confused.) I thought you said you were from the mid-west. (Dan watches the pair.)
JULES: We're from all over, really. Army bred. (Keith makes a noise of amusement and Dan tries to hold in his smirk.) Deb, this chicken is fantastic. And I'm not just saying that cos you're... kinda my boss. (Smiles widely.)
DEB: Well thanks but, actually, Dan made dinner.
(Jules chokes. Dan is loving it. Keith watches her with concern.)
KEITH: You OK?
JULES: (Nods) Yeah.
DEB: So how are things going, down at the club?
JULES: Great! We've been really busy.
DEB: Well good.
(Jules smiles and nods.)
DAN: So, Keith, you're dating a bartender. It's like a dream come true for you, huh boozy?
(Deb sighs and closes her eyes. Jules glares at Dan and Keith doesn't reply.)
DAN: Must be fascinating work though; get to hear everyone's dirty secrets. (Pause) We all have them. (Looks between Keith and Deb quickly.)
(Keith looks at Deb but she's not looking at them.)
JULES: I guess every bartender has to be part therapist.
DAN: Well sure, but it's gotta be tough; pretending to care about the poor bastards.
JULES: (Scandalised) I don't have to pretend.
(Dan looks at her closely.)
KEITH: (Breaking the uncomfortable silence.) Uh, Deb, you did a, um. You did a beautiful job - the table looks... just great. (Jules nods agreeably.)
DEB: (Smiling) Thanks, Keith.
KEITH: Um-hum. Um...
DAN: You know, Jules... Deb and Keith have always been very close. (Deb looks at him, disbelievingly.) They have a very special relationship. Not just in-laws, more... (Searches for a word.) loving(!) (Smiles and raises a glass.) Hopefully, you and I can carry on the tradition. (Raises his glass before drinking form it.)
DEB: Geez, Dan. Put it away and help me with desert.
DAN: Sure, but first a toast. (Holds his glass up.) To Jules and Keith. And to honesty. (Looks directly at Deb.) The foundation of every good relationship. (Looks at Keith.)
(Everyone takes a drink. The tension is obvious.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[EXT. STREETS - EVENING]
(Lucas and Anna are walking down a pavement and past a fountain - which they stole money out of during 'Dare Night'. The posts and trees are covered in tiny fairy lights.)
ANNA: (Indicating the couples.) Look at these people. They all know what they want and... they manage to find it. (Lucas looks at her.) makes me kinda jealous. (Lucas smiles and looks at a couple.) OK, (Pointing behind.) maybe not them.
(The couple are kind of old and the man is feeding the woman.)
(Lucas and Anna laugh.)
ANNA: You probably think I'm weird, huh?
LUCAS: Well, yeah. But I've thought that since I first met ya.
(They sit on the bench. Anna smiles.)
ANNA: It's just that... you like girls, or you like guys. (Lucas laughs silently and looks away.) Trust me, I wish it was like that for me. (Lucas looks at her for an explanation.) Be a lot easier if I could just... pick a team.
LUCAS: Well, not necessarily. Look, maybe you shouldn't... feel so much pressure to define yourself.
ANNA: (Looks down.) So... are you gonna take this HCM test, or what? (Lucas squints.) Your mom tracked me down. (Lucas looks away.) Look, Luke, for selfish reasons - I think you should. I mean, as far as friends go, you're all I've got. I can't risk losing you. (Lucas smiles and gives up the retort he was going to hit back with.) But what if it was your mom that was supposed to take this test? She's the only mom you've got. Would you let her take that for granted? (Lucas looks at her and nods understandingly.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. DAVIS RESIDENCE - BROOKE'S BEDROOM - EVENING]
(Brooke is sitting on the floor, leaning on the end of her bed as she types away on the computer. Felix jumps onto her bed and leans over. He grabs her shoulders but Brooke takes his hand off.)
BROOKE: No, I do not have time right now. And just because we're dating does not mean that you get a sexual season pass.
FELIX: What's going on?
BROOKE: (Concentrating on the computer.) I promised the other Crabs I'd figure out a way to make things better at work so I'm gonna look up dirt on this Carl guy.
FELIX: (Looks at the laptop.) That, or you could go after him legally.
BROOKE: (Raises an eyebrow interestedly.) How do you mean?
FELIX: Try looking on the state employment website. I mean, a guy like that's bound to be breaking some type of small business law. (Brooke smirks.) I'll get us some coffee and we can work all night.
(Brooke grins up at him.)
BROOKE: You're gonna help me?
FELIX: Of course, Brooke. You're my girlfriend. (Kisses her.)
BROOKE: Hm, thanks. (She turns back to the laptop.)
FELIX: Besides, I'd have to if we're ever gonna have s*x again.
BROOKE: (Hits him.) Hey(!)
FELIX: (Laughs) Just kidding. (He gets off the bed and Brooke continues researching with a smile.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. SCOTT RESIDENCE - LIVING ROOM - EVENING]
(Jules is looking at Dan's basketball trophies. Dan enters. Jules is putting one back when Dan speaks, making her jump.)
DAN: Those trophies are all for first place.
(Jules looks at him.)
DAN: Expect that (Points) one. (He walks over.) Second place. (He picks it up and looks at it.) My junior year against Malpilot. (Puts it back.) We would have won the game too... (Looks at her pointedly.) except the team tried to change the offence in mid-play.
(Jules watches him as he walks away slowly.)
JULES: Is that what this dinner was all about?
(He turns to face her.)
DAN: The dinner to remind you who you're working for. I pay you; I give you a place it live. In exchange, you do exactly what I say.
JULES: I don't wanna do this anymore(!) (Walks up to him.) I love Keith.
(He stares at her for a while.)
DAN: You know, I'm as romantic as the next guy - and ordinarily, I'd let you guys ride off into the sunset together... but you told my son.
JULES: He found out!
DAN: Well, from now on, you leave Lucas to me. Your only job is to finish what we started.
(Jules frowns, upset.)
DAN: Come on, Jules. It'd be different if you were gonna spend the rest of your life with him. (Walks around and says over her shoulder.) Do you really think Keith would forgive you if he knew the truth? (Walks away.)
(Jules watches him, depressed.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[EXT. JAMES SCOTT APARTMENT - BALCONY - EVENING]
(Taylor walks out onto the balcony.)
TAYLOR: Hey.
(Haley is standing on the edge of it, looking out.)
HALEY: (Not meaning it.) Sorry about your hair.
TAYLOR: (Nodding) Sorry I slept with your husband. (Leans on the balcony.) If it's any consolation, I'm not that memorable. (Haley makes a sound of disgust as she shreds some foliage.) OK, that's a lie. (Smiles)
HALEY: (Sadly) What am I gonna do, Taylor?
TAYLOR: Hang in there, (Tugs her arm reassuringly.) Eventually, he'll forget about me.
HALEY: No, I'm serious. (Taylor looks serious too.) I love Nathan and this is all really confusing. (Looks away.)
TAYLOR: Because you kissed Chris?
HALEY: No. (Almost crying.) Because I'm... just jealous of what Chris has(!) (Sniffs.) You know, his music; the freedom to pursue his dream... and that... kiss just made it a lot messier. I really don't know what to do.
TAYLOR: (Smiles and sits on the balcony.) I am... the wrong girl to ask for advice. (Sad) You wanna know why I really got the tattoo? When the scorpion's caught in a fire, (Pause) it stings itself to death.
HALEY: That's a myth, actually.
TAYLOR: Not in my life. When things get bad, I always... find a way to make them worse.
(Haley smiles - tear tracks down her cheeks - and sits on the balcony edge too. Their tattoos show, in the same place. Taylor takes Haley's hand.)
TAYLOR: Truth is, Hay, (Pause) you've always been miles ahead of me. (Haley looks at her.) And most of the time, I feel like the little sister. (They smile sadly.) You'll do the right thing, Haley-bub - you always do.
(More tears fall and Taylor wipes them away for Haley, with a laugh.)
(They hug.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. KEITH'S APARTMENT - FRONT DOOR - EVENING]
(There's a knock on Keith's door. Keith opens it to Lucas, again.)
KEITH: Hey, Luke. (Lucas smiles and enters.) What're you doing here?
LUCAS: (Looking around.) Nah, I just... wanted to see how you're doing.
KEITH: Well actually I'm, uh, I'm glad you stopped by. Something happened tonight; with Jules.
(Lucas looks at Keith, thinking he knows what Keith's going to say. He nods. Jules walks up to the pair. Lucas looks between them, wondering what Keith means.)
KEITH: (Smiles) I asked her to marry me. (They smile.)
(Keith kisses her cheek and Jules laughs. Lucas does not look happy.)
KEITH: Hey, don't look so worried. (Lucas' laugh is fake.) She said yes.
(Keith hugs Lucas who laughs back.)
LUCAS: That's great.
(He looks at Jules over Keith's shoulder and she is looking worriedly at him.)
FADE TO BLACK:
COMMERCIAL SET:
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. CARL'S CRAB SHACK - COUNTER - DAY]
(Carl puts a plate of food on the counter and walks to his Crab employees.)
CARL: (Annoyed) What are you standing around here for? (The Crabs are standing around, socialising and laughing.) Get back to work!
BROOKE: (Turns to him with a piece of paper in her hand.) Oh, we will, (Pause) soon as you agree to our list of demands.
CARL: Demands? What is this?
BROOKE: (Holding up the paper.) I've been doing some research. It turns out that uniform maintenance can not be deducted from our hourly wages. (Carl smiles disgustingly.) And these crab suits are not flame retardant which is a violation of O.S.H.A.
MARLA: O.S.H.A?
BROOKE: (Turns to Marla for a second.) Trust me. (Back to Carl.) And there is plenty more where that came from. We are not singing our Crabby songs until you comply.
CARL: (Pathetically) Oh, OK, (Nods) You win. (Brooke smirks.) Turn in your crabby suits. You're all fired! (Brooke raises and eyebrow.) I can snap my fingers, (Snaps them.) and get crabs whenever I want to.
BROOKE: (Eyebrow still raised as she looks 'down'.) OK.
(She turns and picks signs off the counter.)
BROOKE: Girls, here you go. (Starts to hand them out.) That's for you. (Hands one to girl 2.) And you. That's for you.
(Carl turns and walks back.)
CARL: And what the hell is this?
BROOKE: Well, since you've fired us, you've given us plenty of time to pick it.
CARL: And, um, what do the signs say?
BROOKE: (Shrugs) Nothing your entire crab staff doesn't already know; that your so-called 'fresh crabs' (Shakes her head.) aren't fresh at all. (Calls out loud.) They're frozen. (To the crabs.) Now girls!
(They all turn their signs. Each saying different slogans about how the crabs are not fresh.)
CARL: (Slightly panicked.) That's a lie.
BROOKE: (Loudly) Really? They're supposed to be flown in daily; from Alaska. They come in on a truck... from Jersey.
CARL: Listen, you can't prove any of it(!)
BROOKE: Oh, really? In the case of 'Carl's Famous Crab Bisk' - you use imitation crab!
CARL: O-o-ok-k-k-k. (Walks forward. Some staff laugh.) (Quietly.) Negotiate.
BROOKE: A dollar more per hour (looks around.) per crab.
CARL: (Nods and looks at her nastily.) Right, fine!
BROOKE: Two fifteen minute breaks.
CARL: (Holds up a finger.) One(!)
BROOKE: Hey, Marls, did I say two... twenty minute breaks?
MARLA: Yep.
BROOKE: (To Carl.) Hm...
CARL: You said fifteen. Alright, two. Get rid of the signs and you've got a deal. (Hold his hand out.)
(Brooke shakes it, pleased.)
CARL: Damn crabs.
MARLA: YES! (All the girls jump around, delighted.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. ANNA AND FELIX'S HOUSE - FELIX'S BEDROOM - DAY]
(Felix is sitting at his computer, tired and rubbing his head. Brooke enters. He turns around to look at her.)
FELIX: (Stands) Hey, how'd it go?
(Brooke shuts his door.)
BROOKE: (Waits for a moment.) ...We won! (Charges at him.)
(He laughs and hugs her.)
FELIX: So, what's gonna be your first act as an organised crab?
BROOKE: Actually, I quit.
FELIX: Seriously?
BROOKE: Yeah. I put in my two weeks notice because by then, I'll have enough money to pay my car insurance... and as it turns out, I'm not so (Shakes her head.) big on the working thing. Felt really good to do something nice for the little guy though.
FELIX: (Smiles) Well, you must be pretty tired. How bout you get some rest, and I'll come by later.
BROOKE: How bout you get some rest with me now, boyfriend? (They kiss.)
(They fall off camera.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[EXT. STREETS - DAY]
(Lucas and Keith are a little way off, talking as they walk.)
KEITH: So what d'ya think about your uncle being engaged?
LUCAS: Honestly, I think it's a little fast.
KEITH: Ah, well, you know, this HCM thing... it reminded me that, you know, every day might be the last and that... I wanna live them all with Jules.
LUCAS: ... I know, but... I mean, what do you really know about her?
KEITH: You know, I know that you wanted me to marry your mom. But... life doesn't always work according to plan and I-I had to move on, you know. I don't wanna miss a second chance. (Pause) And trust me, once you get to know Jules, you're gonna love her just as much as I do. (Let's hope not.)
(Lucas nods and they continue walking. They look up.)
KEITH: You know, I'm glad you're taking the test, Luke.
LUCAS: Well, like you said; for my mom, right?
KEITH: (Nods) Look, before we go in, there's something I wanna ask ya. (Smiles) I know this whole thing is still... sinking in... but it would mean a lot to me (Smiles) if you'd be my best man.
(Lucas smiles happily, even if it is a little strained.)
LUCAS: (Nods) Sure.
KEITH: (Smiles delightedly and claps Lucas on the shoulder
(Camera pans up to the 'Tree Hill Memorial Hospital'.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. ANNA AND FELIX'S HOUSE - ANNA'S BEDROOM - DAY]
(Anna is on her laptop - decorated with flowers. She is signing on for a dating website. The picture of her is from the Formal. She leans on her arm as she looks at the screen, wondering what to click when it asks her who she is seeking: 'Male', 'Female' or 'Either'.)
(She puts the cursor on male before moving down to female, then back up to male. She pauses for a long time before moving the cursor down to 'Either' and clicking it. She smiles.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[EXT. THE RIVER WALK - EVENING]
(Haley and Nathan are walking down by the river, hand in hand. He kisses her hand before kissing her properly. The shot fades to a full shot of them. They continue walking off screen. The camera pans up to the lamppost and comes to stop at the bright bulb.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. JAMES SCOTT APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - EVENING]
(Camera focuses of the lampshade before panning across to Taylor who is packing her cosmetics into a bag. The laptop pings and she pauses. She gets up and walks over to it. It's Chris again; saying: 'Hey, gorgeous.')
(Taylor looks at it with a frown before typing: 'I'm in love with Nathan. We can't talk anymore. Please stay away. -Haley'.)
(She shuts the laptop without waiting for a reply. She smiles slightly.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. ROE RESIDENCE - LUCAS' BEDROOM - EVENING]
(Karen is putting Lucas' things back onto his shelves. She places the CDs straight. A door clicks and Lucas enters.)
LUCAS: (Leans against the doorjamb.) Mom?
KAREN: (Pauses but doesn't turn to him.) I don't agree with your decision. (Shakes her head.) I don't understand. And I'm not going to.
(Lucas nods and walks into his room. Karen continues putting things back.)
LUCAS: (In need of a hug.) I took the test. (Karen turns to him.) We'll know in a couple of days.
(Karen walks to him and hugs him.)
KAREN: (Whispers) Thank you. Thank you. (Lucas really looks on the verge of crying.) Thank you.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[EXT. KEITH'S APARTMENT - DRIVEWAY - EVENING]
(Jules and Keith are kissing outside of the car. The camera pans to show her engagement ring. She looks at it and loses her smile, worried about Dan's interference.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. TREE HILL HIGH SCHOOL - CORRIDOR - DAY]
(Brooke and Felix walk hand in hand. Brooke laughs as Felix looks at her. They turn a corner and pass a form on the notice board. It's calling for THHS student council officer elections: 'SECRETARY - TREASURER', 'VICE PRESIDENT' and 'PRESIDENT'. Brooke stops and looks at it before walking to it, taking the pen and scrawling her name across it; using up at least 3 lines and she doesn't write her home room down.)
(She puts the pen back and walks to a smiling Felix. She takes his hand and smiles back at the board for a second before she continues walking.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[EXT. THE RIVERCOURT - DAY]
(Lucas is playing some single basketball when Dan walks up to the court. Dan holds his hands out for the ball, smiling, but Lucas doesn't give it to him.)
LUCAS: (Shaking his head.) What d'ya want?
DAN: You and I are the only ones who know the truth about Jules... and I'm willing to keep it a secret - Keith never has to know.
(Lucas scoffs and nods.)
LUCAS: What d'ya want from me?
(Dan takes the ball - which Lucas just gives up - and starts bouncing it.)
DAN: (Smirking) I'm sure we can work something out.
(Lucas frowns at him. He doesn't trust Dan at all.)
(Dan throws the ball and it goes into the basket. Lucas looks at Dan's smirking face. The ball continues to bounce on the spot.) | Plan: A: Nathan; Q: Who comes clean with Haley about his past relationship with Taylor? A: Chris; Q: Who does Haley continue to email without telling Nathan? A: Lucas; Q: Who decides to take the HCM test with Keith? A: Karen; Q: Who does Lucas have a disagreement with over his refusal to take the HCM test? A: Keith; Q: Who proposes to Jules? A: Brooke; Q: Who fights for better working conditions at her new job? A: Shane Mills; Q: Whose song is this episode named after? Summary: Nathan comes clean with Haley about his past relationship with Taylor, but Haley continues to email Chris without telling Nathan and Taylor finds out. Lucas and Karen remain at odds over his refusal to take the HCM test. Keith proposes to Jules. Brooke fights for better working conditions at her new job. Lucas decides to take the HCM test with Keith. This episode is named after a song by Shane Mills. |
THE ROMANS
DENNIS SPOONER
5:40pm - 6:05pm
[SCENE_BREAK]
1: INT. GLADIATORIAL SCHOOL
(IAN makes a lunge at DELOS but stumbles and falls to his knees. DELOS holds his sword over IAN'S neck. NERO holds his thumb down.)
NERO: Cut off his head!
(DELOS raises his sword in the air.)
NERO: Kill him!
(BARBARA cries out.)
NERO: Kill him!
(DELOS hesitates, then makes a run for NERO instead. The Emperor and BARBARA make a run to the back of the platform.)
NERO: Guards! Guards!
IAN: Look out Delos!
(DELOS kicks one of the approaching guards to the ground and uses his shield to throw sand from the floor in the second one's face. IAN runs forward and covers him with his net. DELOS mounts the stage but before he can strike a blow at NERO, a third guard runs on the platform. They fight whilst IAN takes on SEVCHERIA and another guard. NERO laughs whilst BARBARA'S face shows panic.)
NERO: That's better my dear, now they really are fighting for their lives!
(DELOS overcomes his opponent with a sword thrust. He falls at NERO'S feet.)
NERO: Get up you coward and fight! Get up! Your Caesar commands it!
(NERO kicks at the dead guard who rolls off the platform. The way out, off to one side of the platform is now free.)
DELOS: Ian! We can get out this way!
(IAN jumps onto the stage.)
IAN: Come on, Barbara!
(But NERO holds her back as SEVCHERIA and a guard run for the platform. DELOS holds them back.)
BARBARA: I can't, Ian! I can't!
NERO: Kill them! Kill them!
BARBARA: Run quickly!
SEVCHERIA: After them!
IAN: I'll come back for you somehow!
(IAN and DELOS dive out of the door.)
SEVCHERIA: After them!
(The guards and SEVCHERIA jump onto the platform.)
NERO: You'll never catch them now.
(SEVCHERIA turns to the remaining guards.)
SEVCHERIA: Back to your posts.
NERO: (To BARBARA.) I'll teach you to turn against me.
(He throws BARBARA at SEVCHERIA and a guard who hold her.)
SEVCHERIA: We could have caught them, Caesar Nero.
NERO: Oh, you'd never have stood a chance in the street outside. (He looks at BARBARA.) But, I'll see them dead. I'll see them dead.
SEVCHERIA: You think they'll come back Caesar Nero?
NERO: For her...and when they do, you'll recognise them. Take my guards and bring them to me.
SEVCHERIA: I understand, Caesar Nero.
NERO: If you succeed, you will be rewarded. (SEVCHERIA grins.) If you fail, you die. (The grin vanishes. NERO crosses to BARBARA.) So you are a friend of the gladiators, are you? (To the guard.) Give me your sword.
(The guard does as instructed. He holds BARBARA who cries out as NERO approaches with the sword...but it is the guard himself who NERO kills.)
NERO: He didn't fight hard enough.
(BARBARA'S eyes close in fear and horror...)
[SCENE_BREAK]
2: INT. PALACE CHAMBER
(POPPAEA stands by the open window, looking perturbed. TAVIUS enters the room.)
TAVIUS: You sent for me, madam?
POPPAEA: Tavius, yes. Come here.
(He approaches.)
POPPAEA: The new slave you bought for me...
TAVIUS: Yes, madam.
POPPAEA: I find her unsatisfactory. Get rid of her.
TAVIUS: Of course, as soon as I can find a replacement.
POPPAEA: Immediately. If she's not out of the palace today, I'll take my own measures. And they'll be successful this time.
TAVIUS: But the Caesar Nero...
(POPPAEA slaps him across the face.)
POPPAEA: How dare you speak to me like that! My orders are to be carried out. Otherwise your own life will be in danger.
(POPPAEA storms away. A steely look appears in TAVIUS'S eyes.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
3: INT. PALACE CORRIDOR
(BARBARA cautiously walks down one of the long Palace corridors. TAVIUS comes out of the chamber.)
BARBARA: Tavius...I've been looking for you everywhere.
TAVIUS: Oh?
BARBARA: Is there anyone inside?
TAVIUS: No.
BARBARA: Well, I think it would be safer if we talked in there.
(They go back inside the chamber. BARBARA checking the corridor behind her before closing the door.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
4: INT. PALACE CHAMBER
BARBARA: Tavius, I'm desperate. You're the only one I can turn to. I can't move anywhere in the palace. The guards watch me all the time.
TAVIUS: Now please, slowly. I don't understand.
BARBARA: Well, you remember when you first brought me here?
TAVIUS: Yes
BARBARA: I told you that I didn't intend to stay.
TAVIUS: Yes
BARBARA: Well, that time has come. I was planning to leave, a...a friend of mine, Ian, is coming to collect me.
TAVIUS: Go on.
BARBARA: Well, Nero's found out about it...and he intends to use me to trap Ian.
TAVIUS: I see. When's your friend coming?
BARBARA: I think it's tonight.
TAVIUS: Good. Now don't worry. I'll think of something, I promise you. Everything will be all right.
BARBARA: What can I say? I can't repay you.
TAVIUS: I need no reward. Besides, I have my own reason for helping you. Poppaea instructed me to dismiss you. I shall say I did.
BARBARA: Thank you, Tavius. You've given me new hope.
(She walks over to the window, then turns...)
BARBARA: Oh, do you know Maximus Pettulion?
TAVIUS: Yes...yes, I do. Why?
BARBARA: Nero is planning an appearance for him in the arena. It seem...
(She sees something out of the window and stops...)
[SCENE_BREAK]
5: EXT. PALACE GROUNDS
(SEVCHERIA is posting guards outside the Palace walls.)
SEVCHERIA: Two up...march!
(Two of the guards stands inside an archway as instructed whilst the remainder follow SEVCHERIA on...)
SEVCHERIA: One up...march!
(A few yards on, another stands on patrol...)
SEVCHERIA: Two up...march!
(...with two more a few yards on. The Palace is enclosed by a ring of steel.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
6: INT. PALACE CHAMBER
TAVIUS: Maximus Pettulion? To appear in the arena?
BARBARA: (Still looking out of the window.) Tavius! They're posting the guard - it must be to trap Ian!
[SCENE_BREAK]
7: EXT. ROMAN STREET
(IAN and DELOS stand under the archway of a building as people pass by.)
DELOS: If we've got to waste time until tonight, I suggest we get undercover.
IAN: It's sometimes safer to hide in the open, Delos.
DELOS: We won't get near the palace - you know that. ... shout. They'll be waiting.
IAN: Perhaps...but I've got a friend who specialises in trouble. He dives in and usually finds a way. I think I'll take a leaf out of his book for once. Come on!
(They run off.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
8: INT. PALACE CHAMBER
(The DOCTOR, wearing his spectacles, examines the map of Rome that BARBARA was looking at previously.)
DOCTOR: You know what this is, child, don't you? Hmm?
VICKI: (Bored.) Plans?
DOCTOR: Yes. Caesar Nero made it. The rebuilding of Rome. Let me see, where are we now? 64AD, July. Yes, of course! He sets fire to Rome! (Laughs.)
VICKI: I know about that, Doctor.
DOCTOR: Yes, he must...I expect his plan will be ready at any time now. Hmm. (Laughs.)
(TAVIUS hisses behind him.)
TAVIUS: Maximus!
DOCTOR: Must you hiss my name from all corners? Hmm?
TAVIUS: I'm sorry, but I have news.
DOCTOR: Yes?
TAVIUS: Nero has arranged for you to play in the arena.
DOCTOR: Oh! Has he now? Well, I must have misjudged the fellow! Ho, ho! Hmm, Hmm!
TAVIUS: And as you play...the lions will be released!
DOCTOR: (Unperturbed.) Oh, that will be charming!
TAVIUS: Well, obviously you must leave here...before this "concert".
DOCTOR: Oh, obviously, hmm.
TAVIUS: So if you still intend to carry on with your plan, today's your last chance to kill Nero.
DOCTOR: Yes, yes. (Suddenly realises what TAVIUS has said.) Kill Nero? I beg your pardon?
TAVIUS: Maximus, when you first sent word from Corinth of your intention to murder the Caesar Nero, I informed your allies in the court.
DOCTOR: Oh, yes, you did, did you? Yes.
TAVIUS: Then, when the...the, er, assassins left here to waylay you on your journey, Naturally, I thought that was the end.
DOCTOR: Yes, but I arrived here, hmm?
TAVIUS: Yes Maximus, you arrived here.
DOCTOR: Hmm. And the Centurion who was killed by my, er, allies, was the man that knew all about my plans and Nero didn't? (Laughs.)
TAVIUS: Yes, yes, we all know that but my main concern now, Maximus, is that you should act on what I say.
DOCTOR: I shall certainly act on what you say - immediately! Hmm?
TAVIUS: (Starting to leave.) Oh, good, good! And the lions will go hungry after all, eh?
DOCTOR: Yes! (Laughs.)
(TAVIUS leaves.)
DOCTOR: Hmm. Well, that's settled that little bit of intrigue. (Laughs.) I'm a would-be murderer, am I? (Laughs.) Well, we must be going, child. I want to leave here as soon as it's dark.
VICKI: Oh, but Doctor...
DOCTOR: Now, now, now, there'll be no arguments. You will do as I say. Hmm?
(NERO enters the room and holds his hands up in greeting.)
NERO: Maximus, my dear friend!
DOCTOR: Oh, my dear Caesar Nero!
(The DOCTOR stands with the map behind him, holding his glasses behind his back.)
NERO: I have a surprise for you!
DOCTOR: Yes!?
NERO: Guess what it is!
DOCTOR: Well now, let me think, ahh, you want me play in the arena! Hmm (Laughs.)
NERO: (The smile disappears from his face.) You guessed...
DOCTOR: Well, it's no problem at all, after all, you want to do you very best for your fellow artists, well, why not the arena? Hmm?
NERO: (Putting on a good face.) Y...yes, yes, of course, that is exactly right.
DOCTOR: Yes, but I promise you, I shall try to make it a..."roaring" success!
NERO: (The smile disappears again.) You'll have to play something special, you know?
DOCTOR: Oh, yes, of course, of course, yes. Something serious, yes. Something they can "really get their teeth into"! Hmm?
NERO: (Almost crying.) You can't know, you can't! I've told no one!
DOCTOR: Caesar Nero, I've always wanted to put on a good show, to give a great performance.
(Behind the DOCTOR, the hot sun shines through the window and directly through the his glasses...onto the plan of Rome!.)
DOCTOR: After all, who knows? If I "go down well", I might even make it...my farewell performance. (Laughs.) You see, I've always wanted to be considered as an artist of "some taste"!
(A black spot appears on the plan as it starts to burn.)
DOCTOR: Generally regarded as, er, well...er, "palatable", hmm? But I must be boring you, oh I must!
(A flame appears...)
DOCTOR: Surely you have...so many other important things to attend to without standing here, "chewing over" the facts with me? (He smells the air.) Good gracious, there's something burning!
(The DOCTOR turns, revealing the burning papers. NERO dives forward in a fury.)
NERO: My plans! My drawings for New Rome! You fool! You idiot!
(VICKI attempts to swat the flames with the curtains whilst the DOCTOR looks distinctly uneasy.)
NERO: A lifetime's work! I'll have you both killed over and over again! Guards! Guards!
(Guards rush in and stand to attention.)
NERO: Fool! Idiot! Traitor! Pig! I'll stick you both in the arena, on an island with water all round, a...and in the water there will be Alligators and the water level will be raised and the Alligators will get you! Fool! Traitor...!
(He stops suddenly as he looks at the burning plan in his hand, a look of delight on his face...)
NERO: Brilliant! You ... are ... a ... genius! A genius! (Laughs.) I will make you rich! Rich! (Laughs.) So the senate wouldn't pass my plans, eh? Wouldn't let me build my New Rome? But, if the old one is burnt, if it goes up in flames, they will have no choice! Rome will be rebuilt to my design! Brilliant! Brilliant!
(Holding a burning plan like a torch, he runs from the room.)
DOCTOR: (To the guards holding himself and VICKI.) Well, there you are, release us. You heard what Nero said: "Brilliant, brilliant!" (Laughs nervously.) Let us go, will you? Otherwise you'll be getting some of that Alligator treatment. Hmm hmm. (The guards let go of them.) Go on, on your way. About your business. Go along. Hmm hmm!
(The guards leave the room.)
DOCTOR: We'd better be going, child and I want to leave here as soon as it's dark.
VICKI: I didn't think that was going to work.
DOCTOR: Wasn't going to work? What next? I never had any doubt in my mind, my dear.
[SCENE_BREAK]
9: INT. PALACE CORRIDOR
(Still laughing and holding the burning plan, NERO runs along one of the corridors. POPPAEA rushes out from one side.)
NERO: Fantastic! Brilliant! (Laughs.) It's a fantastic idea, Poppaea.
POPPAEA: (Looking nervously at the burning parchment.) Well, if it's your idea, dearest, it must be.
NERO: Well, nearly all mine, dear. You know how I've always longed to rebuild Rome, name it after myself.
POPPAEA: Yes, I know.
NERO: At last, here's a chance of making it all come true. Burn the old one, and the cynics will have to pass my plans. It is a good idea, isn't it?
POPPAEA: (Not sounding convinced.) Yes, very.
NERO: Did you want me?
POPPAEA: Only to find out why the Palace has been surrounded by guards.
NERO: (Thinking.) Guards? Oh, yes, of course, yes. That new slave of yours, that girl, she and some of her friends are coming here tonight. They'll be captured and killed. I must, er, get someone to start the fires. Tonight! No time like the present.
(He runs off, leaving a smiling a triumphant POPPAEA behind.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
10: EXT. PALACE GROUNDS (NIGHT)
(It is evening. SEVCHERIA patrols the grounds. Guards salute him as he passes. He stops to address one.)
SEVCHERIA: Stand up straight, soldier.
(He passes more of the densely posted guards, then stops to stare into the night. From a nearby balcony, BARBARA also watches and waits.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
11: INT. PALACE RECEPTION CHAMBER (NIGHT)
(NERO sits on a throne with TAVIUS and guards in attendance.)
NERO: What's keeping them? The guards should have returned hours ago with my, er, torchbearers.
TAVIUS: (To one of the guards.) You - go and see if they're outside.
(The guard leaves.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
12: EXT. PALACE GROUNDS (NIGHT)
(IAN and DELOS are making their way through the Palace grounds. They dive behind some bushes as they hear the murmur of voices.)
DELOS: Ian, guards!
IAN: There must be someway of getting in here. Quick! Delos, get into line.
(IAN and DELOS run and join a long line of men walking into the Palace - NERO'S "torchbearers". Keeping their faces averted, they walk straight past SEVCHERIA.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
13: INT. PALACE RECEPTION CHAMBER (NIGHT)
(The group of men assemble before NERO'S throne.)
TAVIUS: Hurry, hurry, come.
(NERO stands, takes a bowl from a guard and tips it over. The ground is littered with gold pieces. The crowd are stunned.)
NERO: Well, pick them up then.
(The crowd need no second bidding. With a cry, they dive to the ground, IAN and DELOS among them but they are more concerned with watching their surroundings.)
DELOS: ... Ian?
IAN: I don't know. I tell you one thing, if I get the chance, I'm going to find Barbara.
NERO: That's enough. Silence!
(The crowd fall silent and rise to their feet. As NERO speaks, TAVIUS looks over the crowd. He sees IAN and DELOS watching around themselves carefully.)
NERO: That was just a sample. There will be more for you, if you carry out the task that I have for you. I want you men to start fires in the hutments next to the circus. The fire will spread quickly. By tonight, all Rome will be ablaze. Kill anyone who tries to stop you. You are acting on orders from Caesar Nero, Emperor of all Rome!
(TAVIUS walks over to IAN and DELOS whilst this order is being given.)
TAVIUS: You are Ian?
IAN: Yes.
TAVIUS: Come with me.
(DELOS nods to IAN who walks away with TAVIUS. NERO re-takes his throne.)
NERO: (Almost to himself.) Then, the rebuilding will commence. A new city will arise from the flames...Neropolis, Nerocaesum or, huh, just plain Nero!
[SCENE_BREAK]
14: EXT. PALACE GROUNDS (NIGHT)
(A guard stands behind SEVCHERIA as he ponders...)
SEVCHERIA: Yes...they may have got in with the crowd. If they did, they won't get out.
[SCENE_BREAK]
15: INT. PALACE CORRIDOR (NIGHT)
(TAVIUS takes IAN down a corridor.)
IAN: But how did you know I'd get in that way?
TAVIUS: I didn't. I just put myself in your place and that seemed the logical entrance. Come with me.
(TAVIUS parts a curtain and they enter a room.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
16: INT. PALACE. ROOM (NIGHT)
(BARBARA is within.)
IAN: Barbara!
BARBARA: Ian! Oh!
(They hug. TAVIUS opens a chest and takes out a cloak that he puts round BARBARA.)
TAVIUS: Put this on.
BARBARA: Will we get out of here?
IAN: There's a chance, Barbara. Just a chance.
(They go back into the corridor.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
17: EXT. PALACE GROUNDS (NIGHT)
(A noise is heard by SEVCHERIA. He turns to a guard.)
SEVCHERIA: See what that is.
(The guard walks off to some bushes, where...)
DOCTOR: This way child...and try and be quiet. The place is swarming with guards.
(They come round the bushes and in front of the guard.)
DOCTOR: Oh, er, it's only us!
(The guards salutes and walks off. VICKI sighs with relief. The guard returns to SEVCHERIA and nods at him. SEVCHERIA sheathes his sword.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
18: INT. PALACE RECEPTION CHAMBER (NIGHT)
(The assembled crowd light excitedly light torches as NERO watches. Unseen, IAN and BARBARA run back in and join DELOS. NERO stands.)
NERO: Silence! Leave now and start the fires.
(The crowd cheer and run off to commence their task, among them IAN, BARBARA and DELOS.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
19: EXT. PALACE. OUTSIDE THE RECEPTION CHAMBER (NIGHT)
(IAN, BARBARA and DELOS are last out of the chamber. SEVCHERIA approaches. DELOS thrust his torch into his face. He falls with a cry. The three fugitives back up against a curtain.)
IAN: Well done, Delos!
DELOS: The Emperors' instructions! Well, now that you've found Barbara, where are you making for?
IAN: We go north.
BARBARA: Assessium.
DELOS: Well, I'll travel some of the way with you. And there's home for me. They won't catch me a second time. I promise you that.
IAN: (Points.) Come.
(They run off. Two guards come across the prone form of SEVCHERIA.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
20: INT. PALACE CHAMBER (NIGHT)
(TAVIUS looks out of the window, into the darkness.)
TAVIUS: Good luck, my child, good luck.
(In his hand he holds a small wooden cross...)
[SCENE_BREAK]
21: EXT. BUSHES (NIGHT)
(A small distance from Rome, the DOCTOR and VICKI push their way through bushes.)
VICKI: Think the road's just up ahead.
DOCTOR: Good, good. I expect Ian and Barbara'll be wondering when we're going to get back. (Laughs.)
VICKI: Doctor!
DOCTOR: Hmm?
VICKI: Look!
(Beyond a hillside, the night sky is lit up by the glow of flames.)
DOCTOR: Oh, ha ha! The great fire of Rome, my dear. Hmm?
VICKI: My first real sight of history!
DOCTOR: Yes, a most memorable occasion. (Laughs.)
(They sit down.)
VICKI: Isn't it strange...to think that people will read about that in books for thousands and thousands of years and here am I sitting here actually watching it.
DOCTOR: Hmm...hmm, hmm.
VICKI: It's a pity they got it all wrong.
DOCTOR: Hmm? Got it all wrong? What do you mean child? Hmm?
VICKI: Well, they didn't mention you.
DOCTOR: Ah, of course not. Why should they? Hmm?
VICKI: Well, it was you who gave Nero the idea, wasn't it?
DOCTOR: I?...Gave him? (Laughs.)
VICKI: Honestly, Doctor! And after that long talk you gave me about not meddling with history, you ought to be ashamed of yourself.
DOCTOR: It's got nothing to do with me!
VICKI: You burnt his drawings!
DOCTOR: Oh, yes, an accident!
VICKI: Well, maybe it was but if you hadn't...
DOCTOR: Well, he could have...he could have, he would have been told someone else, you can't possibly accuse me of...of...of...f, (Points.) for that! Hmm?
VICKI: (Standing.) All right, you have it your way, I'll have it mine.
(She walks off. The DOCTOR also stands.)
DOCTOR: Now look here, young lady, lets settle this. Insinuating that all this is...my fault. Hmm? My fault!
(The DOCTOR laughs as the flames beyond the hill get fiercer.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
22: ROME AND THE PALACE (NIGHT)
(NERO also laughs, but more maniacally as the city burns around him. He plays his Lyre as the conflagration continues...)
[SCENE_BREAK]
23: INT. VILLA
(A Cock crows to mark the dawn as IAN and BARBARA enter the villa. It is unchanged since they left.)
IAN: Nobody about.
BARBARA: Bit early, they might not be up yet.
IAN: If the master was back, the servants would be. Surely Vicki or the Doctor would have cleared up this mess.
(He spots the broken vase on the floor that BARBARA accidentally hit him with when they were last in the villa.)
IAN: Ha! Ah...so that's what they hit me on the head with?
BARBARA: (Guiltily.) Yes. (Takes off her cloak.) Surely the Doctor wouldn't have gone back to the TARDIS without us?
IAN: No, I don't think so. All in all, I think we've...got back before them.
BARBARA: Yeah. Oh, I'm so hungry.
IAN: Yes, er, so am I. Erm, Barbara, there must be a bit of that, er, cold peacock of yours left in the fridge.
BARBARA: Hey, you're right!
IAN: Er, why don't you have a look?
(She walks off a few paces, then stops...She turns back and starts throwing cushions at him.)
BARBARA: Oh, very funny! Instead of sitting there making stupid jokes, why don't you get yourself cleaned up? As a matter of fact, you can start with this. (Points to the vase.)
IAN: Oh, Barbara!
BARBARA: Well you broke it.
IAN: I did?
BARBARA: Yes, well, I know I picked it up to help but you got your head in the way.
IAN: (Pauses, then...) You hit me on the head with that!
BARBARA: Well, yes...you see, erm, well, in the struggle, you...
(He starts to chase her round the room.)
IAN: So, I've got you to blame for being thrown into jail, eh? Made to...row in a galley! Fight like a Roman...
BARBARA: Oh, what are you doing?
IAN: I'll show you what I'm going to do!
(He grabs her to thrust her head into the fountain.)
BARBARA: Ahh! No! No! All right...I'll clear it up.
IAN: Ah...better.
(He lets her go and lies on the couch as BARBARA starts to clear up the vase. IAN sighs and quotes Latin ...)
IAN: Oh tempera, oh mores.
(They smile.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
24: INT. VILLA. (NIGHT)
(The DOCTOR and VICKI have arrived back. IAN and BARBARA, cleaned up and in fresh Roman clothes are asleep on the couches. It looks as though they have never left the villa.)
DOCTOR: Well, well, well, well!
IAN: Oh, oh, Doctor!
BARBARA: Vicki, you're back!
(IAN and BARBARA stretch themselves awake.)
DOCTOR: Oh, what zest, what youthful exuberance! Try not to look at them, child, their outburst of energy could make you go dizzy!
VICKI: Barbara, we went to Rome. We met Nero! They all thought the Doctor was a musician and they gave a concert and all these people were...
BARBARA: (Struggling up.) Vicki, Vicki, listen, listen...
DOCTOR: My dear Barbara. The young lady doesn't want to listen to people who have been idling away their days.
BARBARA: (Indignant.) I haven't been idling!
DOCTOR: Well, now you've had a nice long holiday, I'm sure you can't wait to get back to the TARDIS, hmm?
IAN: If you let us get a word in edgeways, we'd...
DOCTOR: It'll have to keep. Have a grape!
(He pops a grape in IAN'S open mouth as VICKI laughs.)
DOCTOR: Come along, my dear.
(He leads VICKI out, the both of them laughing.)
IAN: Well, how do you like that?
BARBARA: Oh well...
IAN: Hmm!
BARBARA: Even if we had told them, I don't think they'd have believed us.
IAN: No. Said we were dreaming.
BARBARA: Oh, it isn't fair, Ian, is it?
IAN: No it is not! Though, got a funny side to it, hasn't it?
(He laughs. BARBARA joins in.)
BARBARA: Yes!
DOCTOR: (OOV.) Come along, lazy bones!
(They both sigh and get up to follow. IAN picks up a goblet and an metal jug of wine.)
IAN: Roman souvenir!
(They leave.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
25: EXT. VALLEY
(The TARDIS, still lying at an angle, dematerialises...)
[SCENE_BREAK]
26: INT. TARDIS. CONSOLE ROOM
(The travellers are still in their Roman clothes. The DOCTOR circles the console as VICKI excitedly tells BARBARA and IAN of their adventures.)
VICKI: ...And you see, after that, he got and he started pretending to play the Lyre and the point was, he wasn't really playing it at all.
BARBARA: But no one would admit they couldn't hear him.
VICKI: Exactly! He fooled everybody!
(They laugh.)
IAN: He usually does, Vicki. You'll see.
BARBARA: Oh, well. Much as I like these clothes, I really think we ought to change into something a little more practical.
VICKI: Yes, you're right. Where will we go next? Has the Doctor told you yet?
BARBARA: Oh no. He never does that.
VICKI: You mean it's a surprise?
IAN: Er, yes, erm, to everybody!
VICKI: But the Doctor can work the ship can't he?
BARBARA: (Sounding unconvincing.) Er...yes.
IAN: (Also unconvincing.) Oh, sort of...
VICKI: Go on, he must know what he's doing. He's been at those controls for hours. I don't believe you! Come on, Barbara.
(The two women walk into the inner section of the ship, laughing. Still holding his goblet and jug of wine, IAN crosses to a worried looking DOCTOR. A strange noise fills the air...)
IAN: Anything wrong, Doctor?
DOCTOR: Uh? Oh, Chesterton! Yes, you know, I wouldn't had thought it possible but somehow we've materialised for a split second of time...and been imprisoned in some kind of force. I simply can't break its hold. Somewhere, somehow, the...we're being slowly dragged down. Hmm (Laughs nervously.)
IAN: Dragged down?
DOCTOR: Hmm ...
IAN: To what?
(The DOCTOR looks straight at IAN. He has no answer...) | Plan: A: Rome; Q: Where do the Doctor and Vicki land in A.D. 64? A: a rare holiday; Q: What do the travellers take when they land in Rome? A: adventure; Q: What do the Doctor and Vicki pursue? A: slave traders; Q: Who kidnaps Ian and Barbara? A: Maximus Pettulian; Q: Who did the Doctor imitate that got him taken to the court of Emperor Nero? Summary: Landing in Rome, A.D. 64 the travellers take a rare holiday. While Ian andBarbara are happy to relax, the Doctor and Vicki set off to pursue adventure. However, adventure soon finds Ian and Barbara too as they are kidnapped by slave traders, and the Doctor's imitation of Maximus Pettulian sees him taken to the court of Emperor Nero where he inadvertently plays a part in deciding the course of history... |
[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there as Rachel enters.]
Rachel: Hey, you guys! Guess what? Barry and Mindy are getting a divorce!
Monica: Oh my God!
Phoebe: Wow!
Joey: (To Ross) What is the matter with you?!
Phoebe: No! Barry and Mindy.
Joey: Oh sorry, I hear divorce I immediately go to Ross. (To Rachel) Who-who's Barry and Mindy?
Rachel: Barry was the guy that I was almost married and Mindy was my best friend.
Joey: Ohh-oh, wasn't he cheating on you with her?
Rachel: Yeah, but that just means that he was falling asleep on top of her instead of me.
Monica: Why did they get divorced?
Rachel: Well, apparently she caught him cheating on her with someone else. Isn't that sad? (Giggles.) God, could you imagine if I actually married him?! I mean how different would my life be?
Ross: I know what you mean, I've always wondered how different my life would be if-if I'd never gotten divorced.
Phoebe: Which time?
Ross: The first time! No seriously, imagine if Carol hadn't realized she was a lesbian.
Joey: (starts to imagine it) I can't. I keep seeing it the good way.
Ross: I'd bet I'd still be doing my kara-tay. (That's karate, he's just saying it that way.) Towards the end of our marriage I was doing a lot of kara-tay as a way of releasing the tension from y'know, not doing anything else physical.
Chandler: Maybe the problem was you were pronouncing it kara-tay.
Monica: And what if I was still fat? (To Chandler) Well, you wouldn't be dating me, that's for sure.
Chandler: Sure I would!
All: (simultaneously) Oh yeah! Come on! Yeah right!
Chandler: What, you guys really think that I'm that shallow?
Ross: No, I just think Monica was that fat.
Joey: Hey, imagine if I never got fired off Days Of Our Lives! (Closes his eyes to do so.) Oh-hey, there's Carol again!
Chandler: What if I had had the guts to quit my job? I'd probably be writing for the New Yorker, getting paid to be funny. But my job's fun too! I mean tomorrow, I-I don't have to wear a tie.
Phoebe: What if I had taken that job at Merrill Lynch?
Ross: What?!
Rachel: Merrill Lynch?
Phoebe: Yeah, I had a massage client who worked there and-and he said I had a knack for stocks.
Rachel: Well why didn't you take the job?
Phoebe: Because at that time you see, I thought everything that rhymed was true. So I thought y'know that if I'd work with stocks, I'd have to live in a box, and only eat lox, and have a pet fox.
Ross: Hey, do you guys think that if all those things happened, we'd still hang out?
Opening Credits
[Scene: A newsstand, Ross is buying a magazine and gets in line behind a woman.]
Ross: (recognizing her) Oh my God! Rachel Green?
Rachel: (gasps) Rob Tillman!
Ross: No-no. It's-it's me, Ross!
Rachel: Oh, I'm sorry. Ross Tillman.
Ross: No, no-no, Ross Geller.
Rachel: Ohh, of course Monica's brother!
Ross: Yeah. Right.
Rachel: Wow! How are you?!
Ross: Good-good, I'm-I'm married. (Shows her his ring.)
Rachel: Ohh! Me too!
Ross: Is-isn't it the best?
Rachel: Oh, it's the best! (They both exhale contemplating the joys of marriage.) So, umm how's Monica?
Ross: Oh really, really great! Yeah! A-actually she's right down the street, umm, do-do you know what? You should stop bye and say hi.
Rachel: Ohh, I would love too.
Ross: Yeah? Oh-oh, she'd be so excited!
Rachel: Ohh! Okay!
Ross: Come on! (They start to leave.)
Rachel: Oh wait, don't you have to pay for your, (looks at his magazine) Busty Ladies?
Ross: No, it's okay. Some-some kid asked me to pick it up for him, but I don't...
Rachel: (laughs) Oh yeah? Okay.
Ross: (putting the magazine back and holding the money for it) Okay.
Rachel: But! Don't you have to give him his money back?
Ross: Uh-huh. (Steps to a random kid nearby and hands him his money.) Hey, here you go buddy. Sorry, no p0rn for you. (To Rachel) Okay, let's go see Monica!
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey, Fat Monica, and her boyfriend are sitting on the couch. Monica's boyfriend is getting up to get something. For future reference, for the rest of this episode Monica's fat, I won't be calling her Fat Monica throughout.]
Joey: So Monica, still going out with Dr. Boring huh?
Monica: He's not boring! He's just-he's just low key.
Monica's Boyfriend: (returning) Here we go, one Hazelnut Latte. (Hands it to Monica and sits down.)
Monica: Thanks.
Monica's Boyfriend: Yeah. Y'know, the hazelnut actually not a nut, it's a seed.
Joey: (not impressed) Wow!!
Monica's Boyfriend: Can anyone else name a well known seed that's been masquerading as a nut?
Joey: Oh dear God, let me think. (Starts to sarcastically think about it.)
Chandler: (entering, depressed) Hey.
Joey: Hey.
Monica: Oh no! What's the matter?
Chandler: Oh I just got another rejection letter. They said my writing was funny, just not "Archie Comic funny."
Monica's Boyfriend: Y'know what honey? I got to get back to the hospital.
Monica: Okay.
Monica's Boyfriend: (kisses her) Okay.
Monica: Bye.
Monica's Boyfriend: Bye-bye. (Gets up to leave.) Oh uh, by the way, the answer is, the Brazil nut. (Exits.)
Chandler: Was his question what's more boring than him?
Joey: Hey man, look sorry about that Archie thing. Do uh, do you need me to give you some money?
Chandler: Hey, I may have no money, but I still have my pride.
Joey: Really?
Chandler: Ehh.
Monica: Maybe Joey doesn't have to give you the money, TV stars have assistants right?
Joey: That's an idea! (To Chandler) Hey, if I hired an assistant, would-would you take money from her?
Monica: No Joey! Chandler could be your assistant! See, he could answer all of your fan mail and stuff!
Joey: That's great! That would be great! Let's do that!
Chandler: I could use the money; it could give me time to write.
Joey: Oh right great! Welcome aboard!
Chandler: Okay!
Joey: All right! Now hey, I need to use the bathroom. Since I don't need any assistance in there, take a break!
Chandler: All right!
(As Joey goes to the bathroom, Corporate Phoebe enters. She's wearing a business suit and carrying a briefcase.)
Phoebe: (entering) Hey!
Monica: Hey Phoebe! Guess what?
Phoebe: What?
Monica: Joey just hired Chandler to be his assistant!
Phoebe: Ohh that's so sweet! (Her cell phone rings.) Oh! Hang on! (Quickly grabs a cigarette and starts to light it as her phone rings.) Hang onnnnnn!!! (Gets the cigarette lighted and answers the phone.) (On phone.) Go!! No! No-no! I said sell when it hits 50! 5-0, it's a number! It comes after 4-9!! No, it's okay. It's okay, you're allowed one mistake. Just kidding, you are of course fired.
(She hangs up as Ross and Rachel enter.)
Ross: Hey Mon!
Monica: Hey!
Ross: Mon, look who I ran into! (Gestures towards Rachel.)
Monica: (gets up and gasps) Oh my God! Rachel!! (Rachel is stunned to see that her long lost friend is still fat.) (Monica goes over and gives Rachel a big bear hug, which is quite easy for her.) You look terrific!
Rachel: Ohh, so do you! Did you lose weight? (She's not quite sure of that one.)
Monica: You are so sweet to notice! Yes, I lost three and a half pounds!
Ross: And, and uh, you-you remember my friend Chandler. (Points to him.)
Chandler: Hey.
Rachel: Oh yeah.
Ross: And that's Phoebe over there! (Points to her.)
Phoebe: Hi!
Monica: Oh my God, sit down! Sit down! How long as it been since we've seen each other?
Ross: (answering it) 1987, the day after Christmas, at Sean McMahon's party. I played you one of my songs, y'know Interplanetary Courtship Ritual.
Rachel: Oh yeah. Right. So now, are-do you, do you still do music?
Ross: Sometimes, you should come over (Joey returns from the bathroom) sometime! I'll play you one of my other...
Rachel: (interrupting him and seeing Joey) Oh my God! Joey Tribbiani from Days of Our Lives, just walked in here!
Monica: Rach, he's a friend of ours.
Rachel: (stunned) You are friends with Dr. Drake Remoray?
Chandler: Well it's kinda hard to be friends with Drake because of his busy schedule and the fact that he's not real.
Ross: (To Rachel) Hey-hey, or I could bring my keyboard over here sometime!
Rachel: He's coming over! He's coming over!
Monica: (getting up) Joey!
Joey: (holding a plate of what looks like Rice Crispies Treats) I know, here-here!! (Hands her the plate.)
Monica: Ohhh! (Takes the plate.) No! This is my friend Rachel, we went to High School together.
Rachel: (giggles and can't look at him) Hi!
Joey: (shaking Rachel's hand) Hi!
Rachel: (still not quite able to look at him) Hi! I love you on that show! I watch you everyday! I mean, when you took out your own kidney to save your ex-wife even though she tired to kill you...
Joey: Well, it's always nice to meet the fans.
Rachel: Ah!
Joey: (turning and whispering to Monica) She's not crazy is she?
Monica: No.
Joey: (To Rachel) So uh, how you doin'?
[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe are there. Phoebe's cell phone rings and she goes through her little routine of lighting a cigarette before answering the phone.]
Phoebe: Hang on! Hang on! Hang on! (Answering the phone.) Go!! Who's this? (Listens) Oh okay, you're gonna like working for me. What's your name? (Listens) What kind of name is Brendy? I... Whatever... Stop talking! All right, from now on your name is Joan. You can pick your own last name.
Joey: (entering) Hey there you are!
Chandler: Uh-oh, it's my boss!
Joey: All right, here's a list of things for you to do today. Man, this going to be so great! Thank you so much! All right, I got to go to work I'm delivering twins today, but only one of them is mine! (Exits.)
Chandler: (reading the list) Drop off my dry cleaning. Pick up my vitamins. Teach me how to spell vitamins. Wear in my new jeans.
Monica: (laughs) You realize what you are don't you?
Chandler: What?
Monica: You're his bitch.
Phoebe: (yelling from Monica's room) No-no!! No!!
Monica: (panicked) Oh wait! You didn't just sit on my Kit-Kats did you?!!
Phoebe: No! There-there was a little, a little diff in the market and I lost 13 million dollars.
Chandler: But the Kit-Kats are all right?!
Phoebe: What am I gonna do?! What am I gonna do?! I can't call my office they'll kill me! I can't call my clients they'll kill themselves! Great, now my chest hearts.
Monica: What?!
Phoebe: (louder) My chest hurts! Oh, and now I-I can't breathe.
Chandler: Phoebe, are you having a heart attack?!
Phoebe: Oh, if I were, would-would I have shooting pains up and down my left arm?
Monica: Yes!!
Phoebe: Then yes that is what I'm having. (Takes another puff of the cigarette.)
Monica: Oh my God!
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Scene: A hospital, Phoebe is recovering from her heart attack as Ross, Monica, and Chandler are there to comfort and support her.]
Ross: Come on Pheebs, it's not that bad! Y'know most people would be excited if they didn't have to work for a couple of weeks.
Phoebe: Most people don't like their jobs, I love my job! I have not been working for three hours and I'm already going crazy. I miss Joan.
Monica: Honey, having a heart attack is nature's way of telling you to slow it down.
Chandler: I always thought having a heart attack was nature's way of telling you to die! (Phoebe glares at him.) But you're not gonna die. I mean, you are going to die, but you're not gonna die today. I wish I was dead.
Monica: Let's take a walk. (They start to leave.) Y'know maybe you should consider writing for Talking Out of Your Ass magazine! (They exit.)
Phoebe: (To Ross) So what's going on with you?
Ross: Well umm, I've been doing a lot more of my kara-tay.
Phoebe: Still going through that dry spell with Carol?
Ross: Yeah.
Phoebe: How long has it been since you had s*x?
Ross: Well, last weekend...
Phoebe: Oh that's not so bad.
Ross: ...will be two months...
Phoebe: That is.
Ross: ...since I stopped trying.
Phoebe: Maybe you need to spice things up a little.
Ross: What-what do you mean?
Phoebe: I don't know. You could tie her up, she could tie you up; you could eat stuff off each other...
Ross: Oh.
Phoebe: Y'know, dirty talk, mange-a-tois, toys...
Ross: Wow!
Phoebe: Roll playing... You could be the warden; she could be the prisoner. You could be the pirate; she could be the wench!
Ross: Okay, I think I got it.
Phoebe: Yeah! Or too, you could be two stockbrokers and you're-you're-you're rolling around naked on the trading floor and everybody's watching! (Ross looks at her.) It never happened.
[Scene: A hospital hallway, Chandler is sitting on a gurney with his hands spread out behind his back. Then Monica comes and plops down on the gurney and one of his hands. Chandler immediately recoils in extreme pain.]
Monica: Sorry. So how's it going with Joey?
Chandler: Oh just great. He beeps me now with codes. One is, "Bring me food." Two is, "I'm with a girl, bring us food." Three is, "I'm lost and I can't find food."
Joey: (entering) Hey! Is uh, is she gonna be all right?
Monica: Yeah! She's right in there! (Points to Phoebe's room.)
Joey: Oh great. (Starts to go in.) (To Chandler) Hey! Go take off those pants, they look ready!
[Scene: Silvercup Studios, Joey is showing Rachel around the set.]
Joey: All right, and over there is Brady's Pub where I like to unwind after a long day of surgeoning.
Rachel: Wow! This is so amazing! What else? What else?
Joey: Well, that is a large piece of television equipment. (Points at a large piece of television equipment as an old man walks by.) And uh that is an old man! Hey old man!
Rachel: Hey!
Joey: All righty, what do you say we head back to my place?
Rachel: (laughs) Wow! Umm, y'know, I-I would really love to, but I-I shouldn't.
Joey: Why? (In Drake's voice.) Why can't the world stop turning, just for a moment? Just for us?
Rachel: (awestruck, then not) Isn't that a line from the show?!
Joey: Uh, yeah but uh, (In Drake's voice) I may have said those things before but, I never truly meant them. Until now.
Rachel: That's a line from the show too!
Joey: Okay, you watch too much TV.
Chandler: (approaching) Here you go Joe, here's the freshly squeezed orange juice you asked for. (Hands it to him.)
Joey: Thanks! (Looks at it.) Yeah, there's pulp in that. (Hands it back.)
Chandler: Yeah?
Joey: I thought we talked about this. I don't like pulp. No pulp. Pulp isn't juice. All juice, okay?
Chandler: I'm sorry, I guess I just like the pulp.
Joey: Oh my God, I'm sorry, I'm being so rude. (Turns to Rachel.) Rachel, would like a soda or something? Because Chandler would run right out and get it.
Rachel: Yeah sure, iced tea would be great.
Joey: (To Chandler) Iced tea.
Chandler: Okay, anything for you sir?
Joey: (To Rachel) Did I not just tell him?
Rachel: (mouthing it to him) Yes, you did.
Joey: (To Chandler) Okay look, Chandler, if this (Motions back and forth indicating the arrangement.) you have got to listen! (Tugs on his ear.) (Chandler glares at him.) You're gonna throw that juice at me, aren't ya?
Chandler: It's not all juice! (Rachel quickly gets out of the way.)
[Scene: Ross and Carol's, Ross is trying to talk to Carol about what Phoebe told him.]
Ross: So honey, this morning was fun, huh? Me hopping in on you in the shower there.
Carol: Yeah! And maybe someday we could get a place with two bathrooms.
Ross: Look Carol umm, I was, I was thinking maybe uh, maybe we can spice things up a little.
Carol: What do you mean?
Ross: Carol our s*x life is-it's just not working...
Ben: (entering) Dad!! (Runs and hugs him.)
Ross: Hey there little fella! Hey, uh-hey, why don't we get some shoes on ya, huh? Hey, why don't you show dad how you can put your shoes on, in your room! Yay!!
Ben: Yay! (Runs off.)
Ross: Yay! (To Carol) Seriously, our s*x life... I was thinking, maybe I don't know, we could try some-some new things. Y'know? For fun?
Carol: Like what?
Ross: Well I don't know umm, (Pause) what if we were too tie each other up? (Carol's shocked and obviously doesn't like that idea.) Umm, some people eat stuff off one another. (Carol doesn't like that idea either.) Nah! Umm, y'know we-we could try dirty talk? (Carol still says no.) Umm, we could, we could have a threesome.
Carol: (quickly) I love that idea!
[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, Monica is eating breakfast as Chandler enters.]
Chandler: Who sold a story to Archie Comics?!
Monica: Oh my God! That's great! Oh wow! (Hugs him.) You're a published writer! I wish I had a present for you!
Chandler: Aww.
Monica: Wait a minute! (Quickly checks her pockets and pulls out...) My last Kit-Kat bar!
(Chandler tries to take it, but Monica won't let go. He tugs harder, and she still doesn't budge.)
Chandler: You wanna share it?
Monica: Okay!!
Joey: (entering) Hey! Hey Chandler look, I know you're mad, but I just want to say I'm sorry. I-I was a total jerk. Completely o-over the line. Uh, I just I hate pulp! Y'know? I mean, y'know how Monica feels about low fat mayonnaise?
Monica: It's not mayonnaise!!
Joey: Yeah, o-o-o-o-okay anyway, I just wanted to say I'm sorry. Here. (Hands him a cup.)
Chandler: What's this?
Joey: Fresh squeezed orange juice, with pulp! Just the way you like it.
Chandler: Aww, thanks man. (They hug.)
Monica: Hey Joey, Chandler sold a story to Archie Comics!
Joey: Oh my God! That's great! Congratulations! What's the story?!
Chandler: Oh you wouldn't uh, care. It's just a stupid comic book story.
Joey: Are you kidding me?! I love Archie! And the whole gang!
Chandler: Well uh, Archie needs money to fix his jalopy (Joey laughs), uh but he doesn't want Reggie to just give him the money. So Reggie hires him as his assist-as his butler. And then makes him do all these crazy things like bring him milkshakes that can't have lumps in them.
Joey: Wait a minute. That sounds a little familiar! Did they already do that one? 'Cause I think I read it!
[Scene: Central Perk, Monica is there as Rachel enters.]
Rachel: Oh Mon, listen I have to ask! Okay, Joey Tribbiani invited me back to his apartment, now does he do this with a lot of girls?
Monica: Yeah, a lot. A lot, a lot!
Rachel: Ohh! And I'm one of them!! Wow! Oh, I just cannot believe this! I mean, Joey Tribbiani!
Monica: Well, y'know it's none of my business, but aren't you married?
Rachel: Yeah. Oh I just wish we could not be married for a little bit! Y'know I just wish we could be like on a break!
Monica: Well, you're not.
Rachel: Oh, it's so easy for you I mean, you're not married, you get to have s*x with who ever you want!
Monica: Yeah I can! (Laughs) And don't think I don't, because I do! I mean all the time, you betcha! (Laughs.)
Rachel: Monica. You've, you've done it right?
Monica: (giggles) Of course I have! What do you think, I'm some 30 year old virgin?
Rachel: Oh my God! You're a 30 year old virgin!
Monica: Say it louder, I don't think the guy all the way in the back heard you!
Guy All the Way in the Back: Yeah, I heard it.
Monica: It's not like, I haven't any opportunities. I mean, y'know, I'm just waiting for the perfect guy. I'm seeing this guy Roger, all right? He's not perfect, but umm, I think maybe I should just get it over with. Y'know, give him my flower.
Rachel: Oh my God!! Do it!! Honey, you've waited long enough!!
Monica: Y'know what? You are right?!
Rachel: Yes!! I mean s*x does not have to be a big deal! There shouldn't be all this rules and restrictions! Y'know, people should be able to sleep with who ever they want, whenever...
Monica: Rachel! I'm never gonna think it's okay for you to cheat on your husband!
Rachel: Oh what do you know? Virgin!
[Scene: The hospital, Ross and Monica are in Phoebe's room. Phoebe is in the bathroom and Monica notices smoke coming out from underneath the door.]
Monica: Phoebe, why is smoke coming out of the bathroom?!
Phoebe: Oh yeah, the doctor said that could be one of the side effects.
Monica: Phoebe! Put that cigarette out!
Phoebe: No! It's not a cigarette! The smoke is coming out of me!
Monica: Put it out!!
Phoebe: Okay! Okay! (Puts it out and comes out of the bathroom.) I'm so glad you're here.
Ross: Come on. (Helps her into bed as her phone rings.) I got it.
Phoebe: Oh, give it to me.
Ross: I got it!
Phoebe: Give it!
(He does a kara-tay move to silence her, then answers the phone.)
Ross: (on the phone) Hello? (Listens.) No she can't come to the phone right now. (Listens.) Oh, right no problem. Okay, bye-bye. (Hangs up.)
Phoebe: Was it my work? Were they mad? Was it Jack? Did he yell?!
Ross: J-j-just relax, nobody yelled. Jack just was calling to make sure that you were getting better.
Phoebe: Thank God.
Ross: (To Monica) Yeah, she's fired.
[Scene: Rachel and Barry's bedroom, Rachel is watching Days of Our Lives. Of course it's a Dr. Drake Remoray scene. It's set in a hospital room, and Dr. Wesley and a nurse are talking about a female patient with a bandage around her head.]
Nurse: You've done all you can Dr. Wesley. You have got to let her go.
Dr. Wesley: Good-bye and God speed, Hope Brady.
(He goes to turn off a machine. Suddenly, Dr. Drake Remoray appears at the door with two cops!)
Dr. Drake Remoray: Not so fast Wesley! (Rachel does a silent clap.)
Dr. Wesley: (with evil dripping off his tongue) Remoray!
Dr. Drake Remoray: That's right Wesley! I just stopped by to say that, you're not a real doctor! And that woman's brain, is fine!
Rachel: (very relived) Oh! Thank God!
[Cut back to the TV, the cops are leading Dr. Wesley out, and as they pass Remoray and Wesley exchange evil glances.]
Dr. Drake Remoray: Hope! Hope!
Hope: (sleepily) Drake!
Dr. Drake Remoray: You're not dying Hope, you're gonna live a long, healthy life. With me.
Hope: Oh Drake.
[Drake and Hope kiss.]
Rachel: Okay! (She picks up the phone, Joey's phone number, and starts to dial.) Here we go! Okay! (On phone.) Hi, Joey! It's Rachel! Umm, I am free tomorrow night. Yeah, sure, sure I can bring some sandwiches.
[SCENE_BREAK]
{Transcriber's Note: This is where Part II begins, which means this is now episode 616.}
[Scene: Ross and Carol's, Carol is working on something at the table and Ross is reading a newspaper on the couch.]
Ross: So honey this uh, this threesome thing umm, I mean how-how are you gonna start to find...
Carol: Ooh, actually I've been making a list of all the women I know who might be into doing this!
Ross: Oh. (He takes the notepad she was using and looks at it.) Wow! (Flips to another page.) Huh. (Flips another page.) Boy! (Flips another page.) Well, someone's been doing their homework. (Flips two more pages.)
Carol: Yeah. Ooh, and I know Gail Rosten is in there twice, but she is so...
Ross: Oh, I know. (Laughs) Y'know, just-just talking about it is getting me kinda...
Carol: Oh, me too.
Ross: Yeah? Well, I-I think Ben's asleep.
Carol: Oh umm, y'know I think it would be better if we just save it.
Ross: Yeah. Right. Save it. I can do that. (Gets up and does a little kara-tay.)
[Scene: The hospital, Chandler and Monica are there with Phoebe as Ross enters.]
Ross: Hey, Pheebs!
Phoebe: Hey.
Ross: Hey, how's it going?
Phoebe: Well, I've got to get out of this bed, I'm going crazy here. Crazy!
Monica: (handing her a cup) Here you go sweetie.
Phoebe: What the hell is this, herbal tea? I hate herbal tea!
Monica: But, I put some honey in it.
(Phoebe mocks what Monica just said. Ross pulls Chandler aside.)
Ross: She doesn't know she was fired yet, does she?
Chandler: No, the doctors say it may kill her.
Phoebe: What are you two girls whispering about over there?!
Chandler: (To Ross) But I think we should tell her.
Ross: Hey Pheebs, maybe this whole heart attack thing is a sign, that-that you should start think about getting a different job.
Phoebe: Okay, what is this? A stupid contest? Because we got a winner here! (Points at Ross.)
Chandler: Listen Phoebe, he's right. People are not supposed to have heart attacks at 31.
Phoebe: I know! But if I didn't work there, what else would I do?
Monica: Well, you used to like playing the guitar.
Phoebe: Yeah that was lucrative! Smart like your brother!
Chandler: Uh, what about y'know the massage thing? That never gave you a heart attack.
Phoebe: Hmm, pulling in a salary in the high six figures or rubbing gross naked people for chump change-ooh, what do I do?! What will I do?!
[Scene: Joey's apartment, (The one he had when he was Dr. Drake Remoray, because he still is.) Rachel is there and admiring the big ceramic fake dog.]
Rachel: Ohh, I mean it's just so realistic!
Joey: I know. (Joey is sitting in this tall chair that is made up of balls on polls. You'll have to see it to know what I mean.) Yeah, his name is Pat.
Rachel: Pat the dog. Oh! Oh! I get it!! (Laughs and finishes her drink.)
Joey: (climbing down from his chair) Do you uh, do you-ready for a refill?
Rachel: Oh, I probably shouldn't-so I will! (Joey starts making her refill and Rachel notices that rain thing Joey has.) Oh! Wow! It's like it's raining!
Joey: Pretty cool, huh? But if you're thinking you can put a fish in there and it wouldn't get sucked up into the mechanism, well you'd be wrong.
Rachel: Umm, can I use your bathroom?
Joey: It's uh, right through there. (Points.)
Rachel: Okay. (Starts to go.) God y'know, if someone told me a week ago that I would be peeing in Joey Tribbiani's apartment...
Joey: Yeah, life's pretty great isn't it?
Rachel: Yeah, it sure is!
[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, Monica is pouring wine for her boyfriend, Dr. Roger.]
Monica: I hope you're hungry, we're starting with oysters. And y'know what they say about oysters, don't you?
Dr. Roger: They have parasites?
Monica: No! Umm well, some people say that Oysters are an aphrodisiac.
Dr. Roger: What people?
Monica: People! People say it! Come here! (She grabs him and kisses him.)
Dr. Roger: So oysters, huh?
Monica: And then we're gonna have a little Middle Eastern cous-cous. Something we can eat, with our hands.
Dr. Roger: Y'know, it's funny, but when we were studying communicable diseases...
Monica: No-no-no, no! It's sensual!
Dr. Roger: Ohh! Didn't know! Okay!
Monica: Okay! (They kiss again and his beeper goes off.) Ohhh no!
Dr. Roger: I'm sorry sweetie, it's the hospital. The food looks great, maybe save me some?
Monica: I can't promise anything. (She starts to dig in.)
[Scene: Ross and Carol's, Ross and Carol are waiting anxiously for their new partner to arrive.]
Ross: We're really gonna do this, huh?
Carol: Looks like it.
Ross: Y'know, if, if this is too weird for you, we can still back out at... (A knock on the door interrupts him.)
Carol: (jumping up to get it) I got it!
Ross: Okay.
Carol: (opening the door) Susan! Hi! (Who'd you think it was gonna be?)
Susan: Hey! (They hug.)
Carol: Thank you so much for coming.
Susan: Oh, I wouldn't miss it for the world.
(They start moving towards the bedroom, never taking their eyes off each other. They move past Ross and stop.)
Ross: I'm-I'm Ross by the way.
Susan: (not taking her eyes off Carol) Hello Ross. (Takes off her coat and hands it to him.) I love what you've done with this space.
Carol: Thank you so much.
(They disappear into the bedroom leaving Ross standing in the living room holding Susan's coat.)
Ross: How hot is this?!
[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, Chandler and Monica are eating Monica's dinner.]
Chandler: I'm sorry you're here with me instead of Roger.
Monica: Yeah, me too.
Chandler: Well, I could make it seem like he's here. (Imitates him.) "Here's some little known facts about cous-cous. They didn't add the second cous until 1979." (Mumbles something further.)
Monica: Stop it!! That's not funny!!
Chandler: Okay.
Monica: I'm sorry, okay? It just-tonight was supposed to be y'know, it was supposed to be a big deal.
Chandler: What was tonight?
Monica: You don't want to know what tonight was.
Chandler: Okay. (Pause.) What was tonight?
Monica: Well, tonight was-was going to be my first time.
Chandler: With Roger? (Monica shyly looks away.) Not just with Roger?! (Monica shrugs.) Oh my God!
Monica: All right relax Mr. I've Had s*x Four Times!
Chandler: Four different women! I've had s*x way more times!
Monica: How many?
Chandler: Nine.
Monica: I was just waiting for the perfect guy.
Chandler: Well good, good for you. You really think that Roger is the perfect guy?
Monica: No. He's not a horrible guy.
Chandler: Hey that's what I tell girls about me.
Monica: Chandler, I'm gonna die a virgin!
Chandler: No you are not! You are sweet and wonderful and this is gonna happen for you.
Monica: Oh really? When? Do you wanna do it with me?
Chandler: Okay. (They both realize what he just said.)
Monica: I was kidding.
Chandler: So was I.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Scene: Joey's apartment, Rachel is now three sheets to the wind and Joey is watching her.]
Rachel: Joey, you're such an amazing actor! (He smiles.) How do you know where Dr. Drake Remoray leaves off and Joey Tribbiani begins?
Joey: Well, with Dr. Drake they always tell me what to say. And with Joey, I pretty much have to make it up on my own.
Rachel: Wow! Tell me something Joey-(She falls off the couch)-Whoa! I just fell right off the couch there.
Joey: Yeah you did.
Rachel: Okay. (She climbs back onto the couch.)
Joey: Here you go. Let me ask you a question.
Rachel: Yeah?
Joey: When was the last time someone told you just how beautiful you are?
Rachel: Wow! I can't, I can't feel my hands.
Joey: Come, come here.
(He takes her hands in his and kisses each one, then kisses her on the lips. When the break the kiss, Rachel starts to get nauseous and throw up. Joey backs away in horror.)
[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, continued from earlier. Monica and Chandler are still discussing the previous question.]
Chandler: We can't do this.
Monica: No! (They both laugh.) Oyster?
Chandler: Yeah! (Takes it.) If-if-if we did do this there would be a lot of pressure on me, y'know? Because you've been waiting a very long time and I wouldn't want to disappoint you.
Monica: Yeah but see I have nothing to compare it too. So even if you're horrible, how would I know?
Chandler: I do like that.
Monica: It's harder for me! I have those four other women to compete with!
Chandler: Well, if it helps there were only three. So it would just be for tonight, right?
Monica: Absolutely! It would just be one friend (Points at Chandler) helping out another friend. (Points at herself.)
Chandler: Stop it! We're doing this! Let's do it!
Monica: Noo!! Okay!!
Chandler: Okay! (They both get up.)
Monica: Umm, do you have any uhh, moves?
Chandler: I have some moves.
Monica: I have no moves. (He moves in to kiss her and she laughs and backs away.) Okay, whatcha doin' there?! (Giggles.) Oh y'know what? I'm sorry, this is just too weird.
Chandler: Yeah, let's just forget it.
Monica: What if I turn out the lights? (Runs to shut them off.)
Chandler: Okay!
(She turns out the lights and in the darkened room Chandler starts to moan.)
Chandler: Oh yeah.
Monica: Chandler?
Chandler: (sexily) Yeah?
Monica: That's the couch.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Scene: Monica's bedroom, she has just lost her flower to Chandler.]
Chandler: Oh my God!
Monica: I know! I'll tell you something, we are gonna do that again!
Chandler: Oh, okay! (He rolls over to do that again.)
[Scene: Joey's apartment, the next morning, Rachel is passed out on the couch.]
Joey: (entering) Morning!
Rachel: (wakes up suddenly and realizes where she is) Oh right.
Joey: Yeah.
Rachel: (groans) Oh God. Oh I can't believe Joey Tribbiani heard me throw up!
Joey: Well he actually saw you a little bit too.
Rachel: Noo! Oh God we did-we didn't, we didn't uhh...
Joey: No! No! No, not after seeing that.
Rachel: God I'm just a horrible person.
Joey: Wh-why?
Rachel: Because I'm married. That's right, I am a married woman! And I came to a TV star's apartment to have an affair! Uck!
Joey: That's ridiculous! I'm not a "Star," just a regular famous actor.
Rachel: Yeah and I'm a horrible, horrible person.
Joey: Rachel, would you stop saying that?! Hey-hey look, remember on the show when-when Caprice was dying and she gave me...
Rachel: The ring from the cave, yeah.
Joey: Wow! Uh okay, well uh... (He gets up, opens a drawer, and pulls out the ring.)
Rachel: (seeing the ring and gasping) Oh my God, they let you keep that stuff?!
Joey: Sure! As long as they don't find out you can keep whatever you want! And I want you to have it.
Rachel: No! No-no-no...
Joey: Yes! Yes!! And every time you look at it, I want you to remember that you are a good person. Okay, you've had the chance to cheat, and with me, but you didn't. And that's what this ring stands for.
Rachel: But I thought that ring stood for Caprice's undying love for her brother.
Joey: Look, do you want the ring or not?!
Rachel: Yeah!
[Scene: Phoebe's hospital room, Joey and Ross enter as Phoebe comes out of the bathroom wearing her robe.]
Ross: Hey!
Joey: Hey!
Ross: Look at you! You're up!
Joey: All right!
Phoebe: I thought I'd try to take a walk. Would you pour me some water? I'll be back soon.
Joey: Whoa-whoa-whoa! You're not gonna use the pay phone to call work, are ya?
Phoebe: No. I've learned my lesson.
(She goes out into the hall and when she's there and the door is closed; she rips off her robe to reveal her work clothes.)
Phoebe: Let's go! Come on! Move it! (Grabs her coat.) Come on! (To an old man who's holding her shoes and briefcase.) Shoes! Briefcase! (Takes them both.) Thanks Lou, good luck with the gall bladder. (She leaves.)
[Cut back to her room, Joey and Ross are sitting there waiting for her.]
Ross: Hey Joe did... Did you ever have a threesome?
Joey: (not quite sure of how to answer that) Well uh, look Ross I uh, I think Carol's great and I'm sure you're a very attractive man, but I....
Ross: No! The reason I'm asking is that... I sorta had one last night.
Joey: You?
Ross: Yeah!
Joey: Wow!
Ross: Yeah!
Joey: All right! So, was it amazing?
Ross: It was, it was okay.
Joey: Just okay-Did you do it right?!
Ross: Look, it's just did, did you ever go to a party and think, "Would really anyone miss me if I weren't here?"
Joey: Huh. But still Ross, you're worst day with two women, pretty much better than any other day! Y'know what I mean?
Ross: Oh-oh, absolutely!
(They both laugh.)
Ross: It's just, my part seemed to be over pretty quickly and then, and then there was a lot of waiting around.
Joey: But you got to be with both of them, right?
Ross: Not-not really. Th-th-there was just Carol.
Joey: Not the other one?
Ross: No, she kept kicking me away!
Joey: Yeah, you don't want that.
Ross: No!
Joey: Well hey, at least you got to see a lot of stuff, right?
Ross: Oh I a lot of stuff!
Joey: You got a little bored?
Ross: A little. Yeah. I made a snack.
Joey: Yeah? What did ya have?
Ross: Just a sandwich. Turkey, a little mustard...
Joey: Sounds good.
Ross: It really was!
[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, Monica is making a sandwich as Chandler enters.]
Chandler: Hey!
Monica: Hey!
Chandler: Let me tell you about this chick I scored with last night! Oh no wait a minute that was you!
Monica: Hey, check me out, I'm a slut!
Chandler: So you uh, want to do something tonight?
Monica: Oh I can't. Dr. Roger is coming over again.
Chandler: Oh. Oh right! Right! Because you're still seeing him and uh, he's a good guy. I mean, I remember a time when... (He fakes falling asleep.)
Monica: Are you okay?
Chandler: Yeah! Totally! Totally, and you?
Monica: Great! It's so amazing! I mean, last time Dr. Roger came over, I was so nervous, but then after being with you I'm all like, "Can the doctor see me now?"
Chandler: I bet he can.
Monica: Y'know, I don't have an appointment, but I sure could use a physical. (He laughs halfheartedly) Are you sure you're okay?
Chandler: Oh yeah! Yeah! Don't worry about me, I'll be fine! (Does a kara-tay move.)
[Scene: Rachel and Barry's bedroom, Rachel is returning from her disastrous attempt at an affair to find that Barry was much, much more successful with his.]
Rachel: Ohh! My God! Barry!!
Barry: You-you-you said you were gonna be away all weekend!
Rachel: Oh that's right! I'm sorry! I-I am early! Finish! Please!!
[Scene: Phoebe's office, she is arriving without the knowledge that she's been fired.]
Phoebe: Surprise! Look who's back!
Arthur: Hey Pheebs!
Phoebe: Hey!
Arthur: (To another coworker) Call security. (To Phoebe) Pheebs, didn't you get fired?
Phoebe: Uh, I don't think so!
Jack: Phoebe?
Phoebe: Jack!! Hey!
Jack: What are you doing here?
Phoebe: All better! Back to work! Except this clown from research told me I was fired. He should do his research, huh?
Jack: Well, you were fired.
Phoebe: Nu-uh!
Jack: I told that guy who answered your phone.
Phoebe: Oh, okay I didn't get that message. So this doesn't count-Anyway, I'll be in my office.
Jack: Uh, Phoebe you-you don't have an office.
Phoebe: That's all right, I'll work here. This is goo, next to this plant. (She picks a place in the lobby next to a plant.)
Jack: (approaches her) Phoebe, listen...
Phoebe: You're in my office! Look, I have made a lot of cash for this company! Okay? I am talking big bucks! Pesos! Yen! Rubles! You make one little mistake...
Jack: You lost 13 million dollars.
Phoebe: Oh, so this is all about money! Y'know it's bad enough that-Ow! Oh, you have got to be kidding!
Jack: Are you all right?
Phoebe: I'm having another heart attack!
Jack: What?!
Phoebe: I'm having another heart attack!! Call 9-1-1!!
Jack: Take it easy. (Sits her down.)
Phoebe: (to Arthur, he's the guy calling 9-1-1) Dumbass!
Woman: Hey Pheebs! How's it going?!
Phoebe: Well, they fired me and I'm having heart attack.
Woman: Wow! Well, welcome back!
Phoebe: Yeah.
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is there as Rachel storms in.]
Rachel: Hi Ross!
Ross: Hey Rachel.
Rachel: Is Joey Tribbiani here?
Ross: Umm, no.
Rachel: Well, if you see him, will you please tell him that I'm looking for him and that this I am not gonna throw up!
Ross: That-that's always good news. Are you okay?
Rachel: Me? I'm great! I'm fine! I'm sooo good!! But, you know who's not great?! Men! You're a man right Ross?!
Ross: Yeah.
Rachel: Sit down!
Ross: Okay. (He does so.)
Rachel: Let me uh, let me ask you something, do wedding vows mean squat to you people?! And why is it that the second we tell you we're going out of town, bamn there you are in bed with the neighbor's dog walker?!
Ross: We're sorry.
Rachel: No seriously! Seriously! What has happened to the sanctity of marriage?
Ross: Didn't you spend last night at Joey's?
Rachel: Aw what are you?! A detective?
Ross: Look I-I don't know what's going on with you and your husband and what is hopefully an adult dog walker, look can I just say not all men are like that.
Rachel: Oh. (Doesn't believe it.)
Ross: Hey! There are some men who will do whatever it takes to make their marriage work! Okay? There are some men who will stand by and-and watch as their wives engage in-in what only can be described as a twosome with some-some woman she barely knows from the gym!
Rachel: Who are these men?
Ross: Men. I guy I know.
Rachel: Well, you might want to tell him it sounds like his wife is (whispers) gay.
Ross: She is not... (Realizes) She's gay. Oh my God. She is so gay! I can't believe this.
Rachel: Good day for married people huh?
Ross: I'm sorry your husband cheated on you.
Rachel: I'm sorry your wife is gay. I guess women aren't that great either.
Ross: Try telling my wife that.
[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, Monica is blowing out a candle as Chandler enters.]
Chandler: (sticking his head in the door) Okay to come in?
Monica: Yeah, come on, eat, whatever you want. Dr. Roger got beeped again.
Chandler: Yeah I know, guess who beeped him?
Monica: What?!
Chandler: I'm the ruptured spleen. (Laughs.)
Monica: Why would you do that?
Chandler: Because you shouldn't be with him. (Pause.) You should be with me.
Monica: Really?
Chandler: Yeah! When you were talking about Roger, that was killing me! Look, things like last night they don't just happen. Y'know? Or at least not to me. Or with the other two women, in the morning y'know I was just lying there and I couldn't wait to just go hang out with my friends, but with you I always y'know with a friend.
Monica: Chandler!
Chandler: I know you probably don't want to go out with me, y'know because I make too many jokes and I've never been in a serious relationship and I guess I'm not technically a "doctor..."
(Monica runs over and kisses him.)
Monica: There was just one woman, wasn't there?
Chandler: No, there were two.
Monica: Including me?
Chandler: Oh yeah.
Ending Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is singing a new song as the gang looks on.]
Phoebe: (singing)
It only takes two heart attacks to finally make you see... One of them won't do it, but the second one will set you free... Tell all your hate and anger, it's time to say good-bye... And that is just what I will do, soon as those bastards I work for die! La, la-la-la, la-la-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la...... | Plan: A: a writer; Q: What career did Chandler want to pursue? A: Rachel; Q: Who fell for Joey after seeing him for the first time in Central Perk? A: Barry; Q: Who did Rachel almost marry in the alternate reality? A: Phoebe; Q: Who is fired after losing millions of dollars? A: a stockbroker; Q: What career did Phoebe want to pursue? A: The story; Q: What takes place in an alternate reality? A: Struggling Chandler; Q: Who becomes Joey's assistant in the alternate reality? A: mixed results; Q: What happens to Chandler when he becomes Joey's assistant? A: Roger's busy schedule interferes; Q: Why does Monica not lose her virginity to Roger? A: a threesome; Q: What did Ross suggest to spice up his marriage with Carol? A: the action; Q: What is Ross left out of when he realizes Carol is a lesbian? A: an affair; Q: What did Rachel and Joey almost have? A: the hospital; Q: Where does Phoebe end up after a heart attack? A: a stress-induced heart attack; Q: What caused Phoebe to be in the hospital? Summary: The gang ponders what might have been if Ross and Carol had stayed married, Monica had never lost weight, Chandler had pursued being a writer, Joey still worked on Days of our Lives , Rachel had married Barry, and Phoebe had become a stockbroker. The story then takes place in an alternate reality. Struggling Chandler becomes Joey's assistant with mixed results. Monica plans to lose her virginity to her boyfriend, Roger, but Roger's busy schedule interferes. When Chandler attempts to comfort her, they end up in bed together. Ross attempts to spice up his marriage with Carol by suggesting a threesome, leading to his realization that Carol is a lesbian when he is left out of the action. Rachel instantly falls for Joey after seeing him for the first time in Central Perk, and the two nearly have an affair before Rachel discovers Barry is cheating on her. Phoebe lands in the hospital with a stress-induced heart attack and is subsequently fired after losing her firm millions of dollars. |
1.15 - Christopher Returns
CUT TO GILMORE HOUSE
[Rory's putting blankets on the couch for Christopher]
RORY: He looks good don't you think?
LORELAI: He looks good.
RORY: I like his hair shorter.
LORELAI: Short is nice.
RORY: Do you think he'll stay long?
LORELAI: Wouldn't bet a lot of money on it.
RORY: Maybe we can get him to stay for a couple of weeks.
LORELAI: Absolutely - by weighting him down with blankets.
RORY: I just want him to be comfortable.
LORELAI: He's gonna come and go as he pleases babe, you know that.
RORY: Yeah, I know.
LORELAI: And no amount of bedding is gonna change that.
RORY: Yeah, but he's never been to Stars Hollow before.
LORELAI: I know.
RORY: Well that means something's gotta be different right?
LORELAI: Why don't you just enjoy the time you've got ok?
RORY: [pause] Yeah, ok. I still think something is different though.
CHRISTOPHER: [coming down the stairs] That is the worst shower I have ever had. Water pressure keeps changing every two seconds. I'm fixing it tomorrow.
LORELAI: Hey you stay away from my shower.
RORY: We ordered chinese food. It should be here any minute.
CHRISTOPHER: Good, I'm starving.
LORELAI: Here [handing him a cup of coffee]
RORY: Hey, how's Diane?
CHRISTOPHER: Uh, Diane is ancient history.
RORY: When I met her at Easter you said she could be the one.
CHRISTOPHER: The one to be gone by Memorial Day.
RORY: You're worse than mom.
LORELAI: Low blow.
CHRISTOPHER: Can't keep a feller happy?
LORELAI: Oh I keep them happy. I keep them very happy.
RORY: Ok, now. Don't get gross.
CHRISTOPHER: Yeah you're upsetting us.
RORY: I'm gonna go study before the food gets here.
CHRISTOPHER: What? Tomorrow's Saturday.
RORY: I know, I like to get my weekend homework done and out of the way by Saturday night so then I can do extra-credit stuff on Sunday [leaves]
LORELAI: Don't look at me.
CHRISTOPHER: She's a great kid Lor. I wish I could say I see more of myself in her other than we have similar left ear lobes, but she's all you - chip off the old...perfect block.
LORELAI: Why the hell are you here?
CHRISTOPHER: Behold the queen of the subtle transition.
LORELAI: Why are you here?
CHRISTOPHER: You're gonna force me to lawyer up officer.
LORELAI: Christopher.
CHRISTOPHER: Ok look. I've been making some changes, especially my career and I think I finally have all my ducks lined up in a row.
LORELAI: You're opening a shooting gallery.
CHRISTOPHER: I've been tying up loose ends in my life.
LORELAI: Do they make that much string?
CHRISTOPHER: You know you've always had that verbal thing, quick mind - it's annoying.
LORELAI: So you've been tying up loose ends.
CHRISTOPHER: I don't know how much your dad has told you but I'm on the verge of kind of a big success, it's for real this time. I've got a company with an actual cash flow, I've got employees, I've got an accountant for God's sake. He wears a tie and says words like fiduciary' and ironically'. I mean it's for real this time Lor.
LORELAI: I would love to believe it is.
CHRISTOPHER: [sighs] Why does your dad have more faith in my than you.
LORELAI: My father hit his head surfing Rincon a couple of years ago. His judgement's a little off.
CHRISTOPHER: So you have zero faith?
LORELAI: I've known you since I was six Chris. You're the guy that crashed his Porsche two hours after his parents gave it to him for his 16th birthday.
CHRISTOPHER: And you were the girl in the Pinky Tuscadero t-shirt sitting right next to me.
LORELAI: Horrified.
CHRISTOPHER: Think again.
LORELAI: Alright, having a blast then horrified.
CHRISTOPHER: Just listen to me will you?
LORELAI: I'm listening to you. Your life's back on track, I think that's great. And I appreciate you coming all the way out here, for the very first time might I add, to tell us that.
CHRISTOPHER: I didn't come out here just to tell you that.
LORELAI: No?
CHRISTOPHER: [sighs] There's some things I need to do...to take care of.
LORELAI: Like?
CHRISTOPHER: I haven't been enough a part of Rory's life. So I wanna be around more, to be a pal she can depend on. I mean I'm not crazy, I know there's already a life going on here and God knows she doesn't need anyone besides you but...if you give me a chance...
LORELAI: I've always had the door to Rory open for you.
CHRISTOPHER: I know.
LORELAI: You've hardly ever used it.
CHRISTOPHER: Well I wanna use it now. Is that ok?
LORELAI: Of course it is.
CHRISTOPHER: Good.
RORY:[coming into the living room] Hey, I forgot to ask you. Tomorrow morning I'm going to a softball game, do you wanna come?
CHRISTOPHER: You...play softball?
RORY: [laughing] Uh, no.
LORELAI: [laughing] You? Play softball? Good one.
CHRISTOPHER: Well ok, who's game is it?
RORY: It's my friend Dean's.
CHRISTOPHER: Dean?
RORY: Yeah Dean. The game starts at 9:00.
CHRISTOPHER: Uh, sure. It's a date. [Rory leaves. To Lorelai] She has a Dean?
LORELAI: She has a Dean.
CHRISTOPHER: How did this happen?
LORELAI: Well a single-celled organism crawled out of primordial ooze and that pretty much lead to Dean.
CHRISTOPHER: I need a beer.
LORELAI: Hey.
CHRISTOPHER: Yes dear?
LORELAI: [chuckles] There's a lot more than an earlobe resemblance there.
CHRISTOPHER: Good. Hey, thanks for the door thing.
LORELAI: Thanks for wanting it.
CUT TO SOFTBALL FIELD
[Luke's pitching and Dean's in the on deck circle]
DEAN: [to batter] You got it, you got the next one. Don't worry about it. [batter strikes out]
CHRISTOPHER: So which is your Dean?
RORY: That's him over there.
LUKE: Ok, we've got two outs.
RORY: And that's Luke.
CHRISTOPHER: Luke's the diner guy?
RORY: Yes. We eat there practically every day.
LUKE: Looks like we got out number three coming to the plate guys. [as Rory and Chris sit in the bleachers in front of Kirk]
DEAN: I'd send your boys a little farther into the field Luke.
LUKE: Why? Will they have a better view of you whiffing?
DEAN: You know, the only way I'm not hitting it, is if you don't have the strength to get it over the plate.
KIRK: The truth of the matter is that you can't pitch [pointing to Luke] and you can't hit [point to Dean]. So this'll be a terrific match up.
LUKE: Knock it off Kirk.
KIRK: A historic lack of action.
LUKE: Don't you have anything better to do with your Saturdays?
KIRK: What can I say, I'm addicted to comedy. [to Rory and Chris] Half an hour they been playing and it's tied zero - zero. [louder] Hey if you ever take this show on the road I got a name for you, zero and zero. Dean Zero and Luke Zero - get it?
LUKE: Doesn't even resemble clever.
KIRK: I'm dumbing it down for you Alfalfa.
CHRISTOPHER: How long do these games last?
RORY: Till they get tired. And then they say the first team to get a run wins.
KIRK: Yeah, it's real professional down there. Hey Luke, does your husband play softball too?
LUKE: Alright that's it. [starts for the bleachers]
KIRK: Um...I'm getting a page. I've gotta go. [jumps off the bleachers and starts running.]
[Dean comes over to Rory]
DEAN: Hey.
RORY: Hey. Dean this is my dad. Dad, this is Dean.
CHRISTOPHER: Dean.
DEAN: Uh, nice to meet you.
CHRISTOPHER: Same here.
DEAN: So do you live in the area?
CHRISTOPHER: No I had some time so I rode my bike out from Berkley.
DEAN: Really? What do you got?
RORY: [proudly] It's a 2000 Indian.
DEAN: I got an '86 Suzuki.
CHRISTOPHER: Nice!
DEAN: Yeah.
LUKE: Dean come on!
DEAN: I gotta go. [to Rory] I'll see you later. [to Christopher] I was nice meeting you. [runs onto the field]
CHRISTOPHER: So that was a Dean?
RORY: That was a Dean?
DEAN: [to Luke] Hey, uh, next run wins alright?
LUKE: [sighs] Yeah alright.
CUT TO INN KITCHEN
[Michel and Sookie are laughing as Lorelai enters]
LORELAI: Wow!
SOOKIE: Wow what?
LORELAI: Wow! I have never seen you two enjoy a pleasant moment together.
SOOKIE: Oh come on.
MICHEL: Oh you have seen us enjoy a pleasant moment!
LORELAI: No, not ever.
MICHEL: Oh you are being absurd.
SOOKIE: You have to admit, they are few and far between.
MICHEL: Through not fault of mine.
LORELAI: I'm just saying, it's refreshing you know? It's not the usual Grr' that's all.
SOOKIE: Through no fault of yours? I'm sorry, but you're the one that's so...I don't know.
MICHEL: Oh I think you do otherwise you wouldn't have started saying it.
SOOKIE: Just yourself - caustic.
MICHEL: You mean obnoxious.
SOOKIE: You're words not mine.
MICHEL: Go to hell [leaves]
LORELAI: Oh no, I'm just saying it's refreshing to see you two just - oh yeah.
SOOKIE: You - get in here and tell me the happenings at home.
LORELAI: I'm assuming you mean did we get our toaster fixed' and no, it's been cold pop-tarts for a week, it's like a damn Dicken's novel.
SOOKIE: I'm not talking about the toaster, I'm talking about the man.
LORELAI: Ah.
SOOKIE: So what's it like having him around the house all the time?
LORELAI: Well it's, um, a little weird. We have fewer clean towels than usual.
SOOKIE: Come on give me something. Tell me how you feel, I'm dying here.
LORELAI: Honestly, I've been trying to figure out how this makes me feel since he asked me to take off my shirt the other day.
SOOKIE: Excuse me?
LORELAI: No, it was a - kind of a hello' kind of thing.
SOOKIE: Wow. He's smooth.
LORELAI: Yeah. I mean I have not seen this man since last Christmas right. We hear from him maybe once a week - maybe. And then all of a sudden he's here in my town and Rory's running around all excited and he's sleeping on the couch and I'm thinking should I be mad, should I send him to a hotel' but then he smiles and it's...Christopher.
SOOKIE: Here. [handing her a biscotti]
LORELAI: I mean not matter how many years go by, no matter how long I don't see him for, whenever I do, it's always...Christopher. What do I do with this? [holding up biscotti]
SOOKIE: Dunk. Go on.
LORELAI: [sighs] This man knows all my secrets. All of my bad girl moments happened with him - my worst fashion choices, my big hair days, the wearing of the Bonnie-Bell lipsmackers around my neck - it was all with Christopher.
SOOKIE: So do you think you two will -
LORELAI: No.
SOOKIE: Oh well that's convincing.
LORELAI: I don't know I - he wants to be involved with Rory. He wants to spend more time with her, be a pal.
SOOKIE: It's about time.
LORELAI: Yeah that's good.
SOOKIE: Yes.
LORELAI: Yeah - if it's true.
SOOKIE: And if it's not?
LORELAI: Then it's [sighs] Christopher.
CUT TO STREET
[Rory's showing Christopher around town]
RORY: This is the town flower shop. Um, over there is a good pizza place. That's the stationary store and that's Al's Pancake world.
CHRISTOPHER: Good pancakes?
RORY: Oh he doesn't serve pancakes.
CHRISTOPHER: Ok.
RORY: He switched to international cuisine a couple of years ago, and dropped the pancakes. He would've changed the name but he had already printed like a million napkins with the original name so he just kept it.
CHRISTOPHER: What kind of international cuisine?
RORY: He kind of hops around. Last month it was his salute to Paraguay.
CHRISTOPHER: Anyone salute back?
RORY: Not really.
MISS PATTY: Rory! Honey! How are you sweetie?
RORY: Great. Miss Patty, this is my dad, Christopher.
MISS PATTY: Your dad.
CHRISTOPHER: Nice to meet you.
MISS PATTY: You're Rory's father, well, well, well. You know Christopher, we're all like Rory's parents around here and I'm one of her mothers. And since you're her father, well that would make us...a couple. [laughing] A couple of what I don't know.
RORY: Ok, well we've got to be going.
MISS PATTY: Yes well, come back and see me.
CHRISTOPHER: I will.
MISS PATTY: [laughing] Bye. [As Rory and Chris cross the street she takes out her cell phone and dials]
[As Rory and Chris pass the market]
TAYLOR: Well you must be Rory's father.
CHRISTOPHER: Uh, yes I am.
TAYLOR: Taylor Doose, grocer to Stars Hollow.
CHRISTOPHER: Very nice to meet you. [they keep walking. To Rory] News travels fast around here.
RORY: Yes it does. [behind them you see Taylor dialing.]
CHRISTOPHER: Bookstore. Good. Come on.[they enter. Jackson and Andrew are there]
JACKSON: Hey, hey Christopher! Jackson Melville.
CHRISTOPHER: Hello.
JACKSON: Boy I gotta tell you, did they get your description wrong.
CHRISTOPHER: Really?
JACKSON: Oh yeah, much more George Clooney than Brad Pitt. Hey Andrew.
ANDREW: Yup.
JACKSON: Don't you thin he's much more George Clooney than Brad Pitt?
ANDREW: I'm going with the Billy Crudup comparison myself.
JACKSON: Really?
ANDREW: Oh yeah.
JACKSON: I don't see it. Well maybe from the side. Hey do you mind?
[Jackson grabs him and turns him from one side profile to the other]
CHRISTOPHER: What? Uh, no, not at all.
JACKSON: Well there's a little Crudup in there. Huh, well it's nice to meet you, whoever you look like.
CHRISTOPHER: Nice to meet you. [tugs at Rory as they go down an aisle] Ok, I'm kidnapping you and getting you out of here.
RORY: They all mean well.
CHRISTOPHER: Yeah, I'm sure all lunatics have the best intentions. Ok, so I hear you like books.
RORY: Why yes I do.
CHRISTOPHER: Well I would like you to pick something out and let my buy it for you.
RORY: Dad you don't have to buy me anything.
CHRISTOPHER: Come on, what's the book of your dreams right now?
RORY: Well that would definitely be the Compact Oxford English Dictionary, but dad -
CHRISTOPHER: Excuse me - one Compact Oxford English Dictionary please.
ANDREW: Ok.
RORY: Dad no, it costs a fortune.
CHRISTOPHER: You need something to remember this visit by.
ANDREW [bringing a very large and heavy book] Here you go.
CHRISTOPHER: Holy mother. This is the monolith from 2001.
RORY: It has every word ever recorded in the English language plus origins and earliest usage.
CHRISTOPHER: You sure you wouldn't rather have a car, they weigh about the same. Here you go. [handing over a credit card]
RORY: This is so nice of you.
CHRISTOPHER: Yeah, well I've got a lot of things to make up for.
RORY: No you don't.
CHRISTOPHER: Yes I do.
ANDREW: [whispering] Uh, I'm sorry Christopher, your credit card has been rejected.
CHRISTOPHER: Rejected? What are you talking about?
ANDREW: I could run it through again if you'd like.
RORY: Yes.
CHRISTOPHER: Uh, no. He doesn't need to run it throug hagain.
RORY: Oh, ok.
CHRISTOPHER: Could you maybe hold that for us? I'll come back tomorrow with another card.
ANDREW: Sure Chris, no problem.
CHRISTOPHER: Thanks. Come on. [they leave the bookstore. Outside] Now you'll really remember me.
RORY: I didn't want it that much anyways.
CHRISTOPHER: Hey, listen, don't tell your mom about this ok?
RORY: Ok.
JACKSON: [standing with his back to them talking to a group of people] Yes it is her real dad. He seems very nice. Kind of a folky, poppy, urban, scruffy look to him. And obviously there's some money mixed in there because he's got that you know, money nose. And - [someone clears their throat. Jackson turns around and see Rory and Chris standing there. He touches his touque and runs off. ]
CUT TO LUKE'S
[Lorelai sitting at a table]
LUKE: So Rory was at the game today.
LORELAI: Oh yeah.
LUKE: Yeah she was with some guy.
LORELAI: Dean.
LUKE: No, I know that punk. Some older guy.
LORELAI: Oh, that would've been her dad.
LUKE: Really? So that's uh...
LORELAI: The guy who impregnated me with Rory - yes.
LUKE: Oh, well, he did a good job.
LORELAI: Impregnating me with Rory?
LUKE: Now this has taken a very weird turn.
LORELAI: Yeah.
[Rory and Chris enter]
RORY: Hi.
LORELAI: Oh hi, where were you? [as she kisses Rory]
CHRISTOPHER: Well we saw Al's Paraguayan pancake house, we were stalked by several towns people and apparently I look like Billy Crudup.
LORELAI: You do not.
CHRISTOPHER: Take it up with Jackson. [phone rings]
LORELAI: Ah, ah, ah, ah,. Hey, hey, hey, hey. [points to the no cell phone sign]
CHRISTOPHER: Hello? Emily!
LORELAI: Emily?
CHRISTOPHER: [whispers] It's your mother.
RORY: Hi Grandma!
CHRISTOPHER: Uh-huh [pause] Well actually I'm sitting here with your girls. [pause] Sure. [to Lorelai, handing her the phone] She wants to speak to you.
LORELAI: Mm. Hi mom.
GRANDMA: Lorelai, Christopher's in town!
LORELAI: [gasps] What?! I didn't know! Although coincidently I'm sitting across an amazing Christopher hologram.
GRANDMA: Well I had this wonderful idea. Christopher's parents are in town too. You remember Straub and Francine don't you?
LORELAI: Ah yes - the Schnickelfritzes.
GRANDMA: The who?
LORELAI: The Hayden's.
GRANDMA: Well I called them up and invited them to dinner. They said they are free to join us all on Friday night.
LORELAI: Join us all?
GRANDMA: Yes. You, Rory, Christopher, your father.
LORELAI: That's quite a gathering mom.
GRANDMA: Well I should say so. We haven't all been together since the two of you were children. And Straub and Francine haven't seen Rory since she was a baby.
LORELAI: Yeah I know but -
GRANDMA: It'll be like a wonderful reunion - all of us together again. I never thought it would happen.
LORELAI: Yeah, me either.
CUT TO GRANDMA'S HOUSE
[The three of them standing in front of the door]
LORELAI: [sighs] I've gotta see my parents.
CHRISTOPHER: [sighs] I've gotta see my parents.
RORY: Ladies and gentlemen, the drama king and queen of Connecticut.
[They enter using a key]
LORELAI: Hello? Anybody home?
GRANDMA: Oh my God! You're here. Christopher, look at you!
CHRISTOPHER: Emily, as always perfect.
GRANDMA: I am so glad to see you, I didn't hear the doorbell.
LORELAI: We didn't ring the doorbell.
GRANDMA: You let yourselves in?
LORELAI: It's ok mom, look, not a rapist among us.
RORY: Hi Grandma.
GRANDMA: You usually knock.
LORELAI: Not since you gave us a key.
GRANDMA: That is for emergencies.
LORELAI: Well mom, I'm starving to death. Is that enough of an emergency for you?
GRANDMA: Well, Richard's in the living room, come on in. He's dying to see you.
LORELAI: [whispers to Chris] It's a setup giving me that key. It's a key, it meant to be used, it's my parents house. Shut up.
CHRISTOPHER: Sorry.
GRANDPA: Well here they are.
RORY: Hi Grandpa.
GRANDPA: Hello Rory. Lorelai. Christopher old boy how are you? My gosh it's good to see you!
CHRISTOPHER: How are you Richard?
GRANDPA: Well I'm better than most, not as good as some.
CHRISTOPHER: And annoyed with all.
GRANDPA: Aha! You speak the truth young man! I have made martini's. So Christopher, tell me about your business.
GRANDMA: Oh Richard, let the poor boy relax.
GRANDPA: Well I simply want to find out how it's going.
CHRISTOPHER: It's uh - it's going great Richard. I'm almost afraid to jinx it by telling you good it's going.
GRANDPA: Oh, that is wonderful. I always knew you had it in you. You have a splash of greatness as my mother would say. You've always had that splash of greatness.
LORELAI: Mm. I'd like another splash of greatness if you don't mind.[getting another martini]
GRANDMA: Oh Richard. Isn't Rory the spitting image of Christopher?
GRANDPA: I just hope you inherit your father's business sense also my dear.
GRANDMA: I know one thing for sure- you certainly have your father's musical talent.
LORELAI: Oh, wait just a minute.
GRANDMA: What?
LORELAI: Mom, neither of these two have any musical talent.
CHRISTOPHER: Hey, I play guitar.
LORELAI: You know the opening lick to Smoke on the Water'.
CHRISTOPHER: And I've since mastered the opening like to Jumping Jack Flash'.
GRANDPA: I'm a...Chuck Berry man myself. [Lorelai laughs almost spitting out her drink] Something wrong?
LORELAI: I would never have guessed that that last sentence would ever come out of your mouth.
GRANDPA: And why not?
LORELAI: Chuck Berry?
GRANDPA: Yes, Chuck Berry. He was all the rage when I was in school.
LORELAI: So we're talking pre-My-ding-aling'?
GRANDPA: I believe I am.
GRANDMA: Do you remember when you two were what - ten and you put on that adorable show for us.
LORELAI: What show mom?
CHRISTOPHER: Lucy, Schroeder, you laying on the coffee table.
LORELAI: You pretending it was a piano. God, why is that remembered?
GRANDMA: Because it was such a wonderful production.
LORELAI: I don't know if it was a production mom. It was just one song.
CHRISTOPHER: Suppertime'.
GRANDMA: Did you write that? That was really very good.
LORELAI: Dad, that's from You're a good man Charlie Brown' It's a famous musical.
GRANDPA: Well I thought Christopher might have written it, he's a very talented man.
[Doorbell]
GRANDMA: That would be Straub and Francine. [leaves to answer the door]
LORELAI: [whispers to Rory] Ha, ha your turn.
GRANDPA: I haven't seen your parents in quite a number of years. We were practically inseparable for a while. [leaves]
CHRISTOPHER: I remember that.
RORY: This is weird. These are my other grandparents. I don't even know them. What do I call them?
CHRISTOPHER: Call'em what I call'em - ass-
LORELAI: Chris...
CHRISTOPHER: Sorry, my tie's too tight.
LORELAI: Just, uh, call them Straub and Francine. Call them Mr and Mrs Hayden. Sir and Ma'am? Why don't you just avoid calling them anything.
GRANDPA: Look who's herre.
CHRISTOPHER: Hello mother, pop.
STRAUB: Christopher.
FRANCINE: Christopher, hello.
LORELAI: Mr and Mrs Hayden, long time no see.
FRANCINE: Lorelai. You look well.
LORELAI: I am thanks. You remember Rory. You haven't seen her in quite a while.
STRAUB: No we haven't.
FRANCINE: I think she was just beginning to speak in complete sentences.
LORELAI: So not for two years then. [Hayden's look at her] She's obviously been talking a long time so I was making a humorous comment sometimes referred to as a joke'.
STRAUB: I see you haven't changed Lorelai.
LORELAI: No, not at all.
FRANCINE: Rory, hello.
RORY: Hi. [she curtsy's]
LORELAI: [whispers] Did you just curtsy?
RORY: [whispers] Shut up.
LORELAI: [whispers] Sorry, milady.
GRANDPA: Uh, Straub, Francine, how about a martini?
STRAUB: Please.
GRANDPA: Well Straub, how is retirement treating you?
GRANDMA: Yes do tell us about the Bahamas.
STRAUB: You can get an entire island there for the cost of a decent house here.
GRANDPA: Really?
STRAUB: How about you Richard, any thoughts of retirement crossing your mind?
GRANDMA: Oh Straub, if only you could talk him into it. I've given up.
GRANDPA: We're very pleased about Christopher's business success out in California.
STRAUB: Yes, it's taken a while but it seems to be finally coming together. Seems to be.
FRANCINE: Christopher your tie, please.
RORY: [clears her throat]Straub and Fran - [clears her throat] Mr. and Mrs. um...are you enjoying your time here, um...you...two?
CHRISTOPHER: [to Lorelai] That she got from you.
STRAUB: How old are you young lady?
RORY: 16.
STRAUB: Dangerous age for girls [Lorelai looks at him]
FRANCINE: Straub.
GRANDMA: Rory is a very special child - excellent student, very bright.
GRANDPA: You should have a talk with her Straub, she could give you a run for your money.
STRAUB: Is that so?
GRANDMA: That's right.
[Straub looks at Rory, Rory looks uncomfortable unsure what to do]
STRAUB: Well I think my money's safe.
LORELAI: I hate president Bush.
STRAUB: What?
GRANDMA: Lorelai...
CHRISTOPHER: Oh boy.
LORELAI: He's stupid and his face is too tiny for his head and I just want to toss him out.
STRAUB: That is the leader of our country young lady.
GRANDPA: Ignore her.
FRANCINE: His face is too tiny for his head, what kind of thing is that to say?
STRAUB: I see your daughter is just as out of control as ever.
CHRISTOPHER: Pop please. Let's try and keep it civil.
STRAUB: Tell me Lorelai, what have you been doing with your life anyway, besides hating successful businessmen. I'm just curious.
GRANDMA: Why don't we all go into the dining room?
LORELAI: Well uh, Straub, I run an inn near Stars Hollow.
STRAUB: Really?
LORELAI: Yes really.
CHRISTOPHER: Dad come on.
STRAUB: Nice to see you found your calling.
GRANDMA: Dinner is ready.
FRANCINE: Christopher your tie.
CHRISTOPHER: Mom please.
STRAUB: And is your life everything you hoped it would be?
LORELAI: Yes it is.
STRAUB: Because it seems to me you might not want to take such a haughty tone when you announce to the world that you work in a hotel.
LORELAI: Well there's nothing wrong with where I work.
FRANCINE: Straub please. I'm getting a headache.
GRANDMA: Come on Richard, lead us into the dining room, now.
STRAUB: If you had attended a university as your parents had planned and as we planned in vain for Christopher, you might have aspired to something more than a blue collared position.
CHRISTOPHER: Don't do this.
STRAUB: And I wouldn't give a damn about you derailing your life if you hadn't swept my son along with you.
LORELAI: [to Rory] Honey go into the next room. Go, go.
GRANDPA: I'm going to have to echo Christopher's call for civility here. A mutual mistake was make many years ago by these two, but they have come a long way since.
STRAUB: A mutual mistake Richard? This whole evening is ridiculous. We're supposed to sit here like one big happy family and pretend that the damage that was done is over, gone? I don't care about how good a student you say that girl is...
LORELAI: Hey!
STRAUB: Our son was bound for Princeton. Every Hayden male attended Princeton including myself, but it all stopped with Christopher. It's a humiliation we've had to live with every day, all because you seduced him into ruining his life. She had that baby and ended his future.
GRANDPA: [grabbing Straub's arm] You recant that Straub!
STRAUB: You're spilling my drink.
GRANDPA: You owe my daughter an apology.
STRAUB: An apology, that's rich.
GRANDPA: How dare you?! [grabbing Straub] How dare you?!
GRANDMA: Richard what are you doing?
GRANDPA: How dare you come into my house and insult my daughter!
STRAUB: Let go of me!
CHRISTOPHER: Whoa, whoa, what is going on here? [putting himself between them]
GRANDPA: Shame on you Straub, shame on you for opening all this up again.
STRAUB: Get your purse Francine.
GRANDPA: My daughter is very successful at what she does.
STRAUB: We're leaving.
GRANDPA: You're not leaving. I'm kicking you out. [All four leave the room. Lorelai and Christopher and standing in the middle]
CHRISTOPHER: And you brought up Bush because?
LORELAI: It seemed like a good idea at the time. Wow.
CHRISTOPHER: Yeah.
LORELAI: I feel...16.
[Pan to study. Richard sitting reading. Lorelai enters]
LORELAI: Dad? Dad...can I get you something to eat?
GRANDPA: I'm not hungry.
LORELAI: Ok. Well look, thank you.
GRANDPA: Thank me? For what? [Lorelai turns back.]
LORELAI: Well for what you did in there. I'm...I'm just unbelievably touched and grateful for what you said to him, for defending me like that. I know it was hard for you because, well...but thank you. [starts to leave]
GRANDPA: Why do you think I did it? [Lorelai turns back.]
LORELAI: What?
GRANDPA: Why do you think I did it?
LORELAI: I don't know. Um, out of protectiveness I guess.
GRANDPA: You don't need to be protected Lorelai. You've made it very clear that you can look after yourself and that you need nothing from anyone.
LORELAI: Mm. That's not...
GRANDPA: A member of my family was being attacked. The very Gilmore name was being attacked. I will not stand for that not under any circumstances.
LORELAI: Ok, well it doesn't really matter why you did it.
GRANDPA: Yes it does matter why I did it! It matters greatly! Lorelai what are you going to take away from this? That everything that happened in the past is suddenly fine because I defended you?
LORELAI: No.
GRANDMA: That the hell that you put your mother and I through for the past 16 years is suddenly washed away? Well it's not.
LORELAI: We've all been through hell dad.
GRANDPA: I had to tell my friends, my colleagues, that my only daughter, the brightest in her class, was pregnant and was leaving school.
LORELAI: That must have been devastating.
GRANDPA: And then you run away and treat us like lepers. Your mother couldn't get out of bed for a month. Did you know that? Did you?
LORELAI: No.
GRANDPA: We did nothing to deserve that. Nothing to earn that!
LORELAI: I get it. I'm horrible. So why don't you disown me and adopt Christopher, you love him.
GRANDPA: Don't be a martyr Lorelai. And don't be naïve. Do you think I love the boy who got my daughter pregnant? I wanted to kill him! I would have too with my bare hands. But there's a proper procedure to be followed in a situation like this.
LORELAI: Marriage.
GRANDPA: Christopher was willing to follow the procedure we laid out, you weren't.
LORELAI: What about what I wanted Dad? Didn't that matter to you at all?
GRANDPA: Sometimes one has to sacrifice something in order to do what is right.
LORELAI: I feel indescribably sad for you right now, dad.
GRANDPA: Well save your emotions Lorelai. I've had my fill of them tonight.
LORELAI: So, um, we just end it here. Nothing...resolved?
GRANDPA: I'm tired.
LORELAI: Ok. Ok [leaves]
[Pan to kitchen]
GRANDMA: There you are. I was wondering where you went.
RORY: I'm sorry.
GRANDMA: No, it's nothing to be sorry about. Can I get you something?
RORY: [holding up a pop can] I'm fine.
GRANDMA: Oh that's hardly dinner. Well that was quite a bit of excitement tonight.
RORY: Oh yeah.
GRANDMA: Not the good kind.
RORY: Nope.
GRANDMA: None of this means anything Rory.
RORY: Oh I know.
GRANDMA: Straub is actually a good man. Very smart. He was one of the top lawyers in his field - a very arcane aspect of International law. And he's always been so active in his community. His charity work has never diminished over the years. Oh let's face it - he's a big ass. [Rory laughs] Rory, I know you heard a lot of talk about various disappointments this evening and I know you've heard a lot of talk about it in the past. But I want to make this very clear - you, young lady, your person and your existance have never ever been - not even for a second -included in that list. Do you understand me?
RORY: Yeah, I do.
GRANDMA: Good now eat up. [hands her a plate of leftovers]
[Pan to balcony outside Lorelai's old room. Lorelai sitting crying.]
CHRISTOPHER: You look great [coming out onto the balcony.]
LORELAI: Yeah, well, I look the way I feel wiseguy.
CHRISTOPHER: That was...that was a memorable evening.
LORELAI: Oh yes, it was beautiful in there. We should commemorate it with an oil painting or a severed head or something.
CHRISTOPHER: Next time we get this group together we're gonna have to frisk for weapons.
LORELAI: Hand out gags.
CHRISTOPHER: Employ six individual cones of silence [Lorelai laughs] Boy the old balcony is still the same isn't it?
LORELAI: In all it's beautiful away-from-them-ness.
CHRISTOPHER: Perfect hide-out - totally private. We spent a lot of time out here.
LORELAI: Sneaking dad's telescope, scanning the sky for alien ships.
CHRISTOPHER: Never found any.
LORELAI: Huh. And then when we were older, scanning the neighbors houses for naked people.
CHRISTOPHER: [laughing] Found a couple of those.
LORELAI: [laughing] Mrs. Dominski undulating in her big fat underalls is forever carved into my brain.
CHRISTOPHER: [laughing] And in mine. [takes out a tequila bottle] here's to Mrs. Dominski's underalls.
LORELAI: Aw, you're holding out on me.
CHRISTOPHER: [takes a drink] Take it. And in an effort to further chronicle this balcony's history, we are now in the immediate vicinity of the spot upon which was Rory's initial eminations.
LORELAI: Yes we are. Here's to Rory. [takes a drink]
CHRISTOPHER: The bright spot in all the darkness.
LORELAI: And now.
CHRISTOPHER: You know even if you hadn't gotten pregnant and everything had gone as planned, I still never would have make it through Princeton.
LORELAI: Oh I don't believe that.
CHRISTOPHER: Yeah, well that's why you're you and I'm not.
[Pan to Luke's where Luke is waiting for Lorelai. He gives up and goes inside. Pan back to the balcony where Christopher and Lorelai are kissing as they take off each other's clothes. Pan to them putting back on their clothes.]
LORELAI: Wow. Wow, wow, wow.
CHRISTOPHER: You wigged?
LORELAI: Yeah, yeah I'm a little wigged.
CHRISTOPHER: Why?
LORELAI: Why? Are you kidding me? Chris this is the next to last thing I thought would ever happen tonight. The last thing being a holy saint guy riding down on a flaming chariot from heaven to announce Armageddon.
CHRISTOPHER: And Hartford is the place he chooses to make his announcement? I don't think so.
LORELAI: Christopher.
CHRISTOPHER: Ok, yes, it was unexpected but it was great.
LORELAI: Oh God! Oh I can't believe this.
CHRISTOPHER: Ok fine. You know what? We should go.
LORELAI: Yeah we should go like 30 minutes ago.
CHRISTOPHER: [sighs] I'm sorry.
LORELAI: Oh don't apologize. It was the both of us. [they leave] God my parents have got to seal these windows up I swear to God.
[SCENE_BREAK]
CUT TO INSIDE CAR
RORY: So where were you guys?
LORELAI: Nowhere.
RORY: Where's nowhere?
CHRISTOPHER: Where we were.
LORELAI: Mm-hmm.
RORY: Ah.
CUT TO GILMORE HOUSE
CHRISTOPHER: Night you.
RORY: Good night dad. [he gives her a kiss]
CHRISTOPHER: Good night Lor.
LORELAI: Good night, yeah, uh, have a really, really good night. [he heads for the couch]
RORY: You got some dirt or some schmuts on your -
LORELAI: Hmm?
RORY: Where did you -
LORELAI: I don't - it's been a long night so um, there's just been a lot of schmutsing going on.
RORY: Ok.
LORELAI: Come on [directing her to the kitchen] We haven't really had a chance to talk.
RORY: About the schmutsing?
LORELAI: [sighs] No, about all the warm and fuzzy family moments that went on tonight. Are you ok?
RORY: Yeah.
LORELAI: You know all those crazy people saying those horrible things were directing them at me not you.
RORY: They were directing them to you because you had me.
LORELAI: No, they were directing them at me because I screwed up their big Citizen Kane' plans. That's all.
RORY: They don't even want to know me do they?
LORELAI: That is not true. They are just so full of anger and stupid pride that stands in the way of them realizing how much they want to know you.
RORY: Yeah.
LORELAI: Their loss and it's a pretty big one.
RORY: I'm going to bed now.
LORELAI: Hey. No regrets - from me or your dad.
RORY: Yeah?
LORELAI: Oh, I mean no regrets about you. There's a misspelled tattoo incident that I'm sure he'd like to erase from his bio - but you that's a no brainer.
RORY: Where does dad have a misspelled tattoo?
LORELAI: Ah, ah, another story for another time, possibly before your first trip to Mazatlan. Good night babe.
RORY: Good night mom.
LORELAI: [walks by a mirror and looks at herself] Ugh.
[Pan to morning. Lorelai awake in bed]
LORELAI: [gasps] Oh no! Aah!
CUT TO LUKE'S
[Lorelai waiting in pj's on the front stoop]
LORELAI: I feel horrible.
LUKE: Don't.
LORELAI: I stood you up and I didn't even call.
LUKE: It's ok.
LORELAI: I'm a rat. We had a date and I stood you up.
LUKE: It wasn't a date, it was just a paint.
LORELAI: I'm a rat, I need cheese.
LUKE: Forget it.
LORELAI: Hey, hey, let's reschedule.
LUKE: You know, I really didn't even want to do it in the first place.
LORELAI: No, no come on, don't change your mind. We could do it tonight or - or right now.
LUKE: Was it an emergency?
LORELAI: Yes. You would not believe what happened. I slipped and I busted my - it wasn't an emergency. It was just me being a rat.
LUKE: Something came up?
LORELAI: Yeah.
LUKE: Something...someone.
LORELAI: Luke.
LUKE: Am I right?
LORELAI: I'm sorry.
LUKE: Yeah, ok. Well I'm late.
LORELAI: Oh.
CUT TO GILMORE HOUSE
[Christopher making coffee as Lorelai comes in.]
CHRISTOPHER: Where were you?
LORELAI: Fruitlessly trying to rectify a ratty transgression.
CHRISTOPHER: Oh. You want some coffee?
LORELAI: No.
CHRISTOPHER: What?
LORELAI: What?
CHRISTOPHER: Well I know you well enough to know that when you say no to coffee, especially in the morning, all is not right in Whoville.
LORELAI: Very astute.
CHRISTOPHER: So...last night.
LORELAI: Ah, last night was Chernobyl and the Hindenburg combined.
CHRISTOPHER: Right, just checking.
LORELAI: My father almost hit someone. My father has probably only hit another man in college wearing boxing gloves and one of those Fred Mertz golden gloves pullover sweaters.
CHRISTOPHER: Fred Mertz?
LORELAI: I Love Lucy' - Fred Mertz.
CHRISTOPHER: Landlord to Ricki, husband to Ethel, I know. It's just a weird reference.
LORELAI: Hello, pajamas.
CHRISTOPHER: Right. Continue.
LORELAI: My father had a meltdown, first with your father...
CHRISTOPHER: He was asking for it.
LORELAI: ...and then with me. And then you and me - oh boy.
CHRISTOPHER: Don't say it like that.
LORELAI: Stupid. Dumb.
CHRISTOPHER: Much better.
LORELAI: And to top off the whole fabulous fiasco, I stood up a friend of mine, who was counting on me and, and he just stood there looking hurt with the paint and the chairs and it hurt me. And it's not your fault but in this parade of stupid and dumb, I am the one twirling the flaming baton.
CHRISTOPHER: Lor?
LORELAI: What?
CHRISTOPHER: I want to marry you.
LORELAI: And the hits just keep on coming.
CHRISTOPHER: Just think about it. Think about it before you make a rash -
LORELAI: You are out of your mind. You are completely insane. You have flipped your lid. Charlie Manson is freaked out by you right now!
CHRISTOPHER: Come on, we're already a family.
LORELAI: Who? Who is a family?!
CHRISTOPHER: Us! You, me and Rory!
LORELAI: You don't even know what a family is.
CHRISTOPHER: It's people living together.
LORELAI: No. It's a big commitment, it's responsibility, it's hard work. It's coming home at the same time to the same place every day.
CHRISTOPHER: Ok, so what do you want, financial statements? I can be a family man, I'm responsible.
LORELAI: Honey, you can't even buy a book without having your credit card declined.
CHRISTOPHER: Oh man, I told Rory not to rat me out. I can't believe she did that.
LORELAI: She didn't. Andrew from the bookstore called and Jackson and the UPS guy and ooh it was the lead story on the Stars Hollow web page. And then I asked Rory and she very reluctantly confirmed it. Rat me out' what are you - 16?
CHRISTOPHER: I'm sorry.
LORELAI: And what are you doing telling my daughter to lie to me anyway?
CHRISTOPHER: She's my daughter too.
LORELAI: More like your playmate.
CHRISTOPHER: You know I don't deserve that, I'm as mature as you.
LORELAI: What? The offspring is your favorite band.
CHRISTOPHER: So? You're into Metallica.
LORELAI: Well Metallica is way more substantial than The Offspring.
CHRISTOPHER: Here we go, it's the same Black Sabbath riff all over again.
LORELAI: Oh! The Offspring have like one chord compression. They use it over and over. They just popped on new words and called it a single and I don't want to talk about this anymore!
CHRISTOPHER: Look, I'm the immature one, I'm the irresponsible one, I'm was the one who was willing to get married when you got pregnant.
LORELAI: We were too young, we wouldn't have made it, you know that.
CHRISTOPHER: Well we're not too young now.
LORELAI: Ok. Now I need some coffee.
CHRISTOPHER: What about last night. What did our having s*x mean to you?
LORELAI: [sighs] It meant that Jose Cuervo still has amazing magical powers.
CHRISTOPHER: You're funny.
LORELAI: We can't get married Christopher. We don't know each other as adults.
CHRISTOPHER: So let's get married and get to know each other as adults.
LORELAI: Well, that's very Fiddler on the Roof of you.
CHRISTOPHER: Ok, fine. Let's get to know each other right now. What do you want to know?
LORELAI: How is your business really doing? [Christopher sighs]
CHRISTOPHER: Lorelai.
LORELAI: I knew it.
CHRISTOPHER: Look, I was going to tell you if it didn't pick up soon. I swear.
LORELAI: And you just sat there last night, just smiling and nodding while my dad and your dad went on and on about Christopher and his great big business success in California.
CHRISTOPHER: Yeah, I didn't want to upset anybody. I wanted last night to be nice.
LORELAI: Oh well it was.
CHRISTOPHER: Oh and it would have been much better if I had announced at the table Hey on top of everything else you're upset about, I just wanted to add that I'm the biggest loser in the world'. Would that have been festive?
LORELAI: You're not a loser.
CHRISTOPHER: Please.
LORELAI: You're a liar but not a loser.
CHRISTOPHER: Thank you.
LORELAI: You're welcome.
CHRISTOPHER: Come on ,we're arguing like an old married couple. Doesn't that show potential?
LORELAI: Oh Christopher, I swear to God...
CHRISTOPHER: I've been looking for the one Lor, that elusive soul mate - I really have, I just believe it's you, it's always been you.
LORELAI: Chris come on.
CHRISTOPHER: Rory might be my only child.
LORELAI: That's not true. If Tony Randall can crank one out in his seventies you have decades left to spawn.
CHRISTOPHER: No. I don't know how much I miss Rory until I see her like this. It's...it's easier staying away.
LORELAI: No. Don't stay away. Don't. Rory needs her dad.
CHRISTOPHER: Or her pal right?
LORELAI: I think she'd take a combo.
[Pan to outside house, Christopher loading up bike]
RORY: So call us when you get home.
CHRISTOPHER: I will.
RORY: And call more.
CHRISTOPHER: I will. [they hug] See ya. [ he whispers something in her ear]
RORY: [to Lorelai] Dad wants to know if you'll reconsider.
[Lorelai calls Rory over and whispers in her ear]
RORY: She says Nope. Offspring sucks and Metallica rules.'
CHRISTOPHER: Fair enough. [He kisses and hugs Lorelai]
LORELAI: Drive safe. [He leaves]
RORY: He wanted you to marry him didn't he?
LORELAI: Spy.
RORY: You know crazier things have happened.
LORELAI: You mean crazier than having your mom and dad married?
RORY: Yes.
LORELAI: I don't think they have.
RORY: What? Why is that so crazy?
LORELAI: Because it is. Because he wants things he is not ready for.
RORY: How do you know?
LORELAI: I know. I know him so well. You have no idea.
RORY: Maybe he can change.
LORELAI: Rory.
RORY: Maybe it's different. He did come here this time, he's never done that before.
LORELAI: Hey, stop.
RORY: Why?
LORELAI: Because I don't want you to get yourself all worked up over this.
RORY: He loves you.
LORELAI: He does love me.
RORY: Do you love him?
LORELAI: Honey come on.
RORY: Answer me.
LORELAI: Honestly?
RORY: Yes.
LORELAI: I will probably always love him.
RORY: Ok so?
LORELAI: But that doesn't change the fact that he still has a long way to go before he is ready to take us on full time. I mean you are a handful missy. And while I am pure joy and sunshine every waking hour, I still have my own set of needs that - that must be met. It just wasn't right babe. You have to trust me on that. Mm? Talk please.
RORY: I still think there was a little something different.
LORELAI: Maybe you're right.
RORY: Really?
LORELAI: It would be nice.
RORY: Yeah it would
LORELAI: I'll tell you what, uh, let's not put all the blankets away just yet.
RORY: Really?
LORELAI: You never know.
CUT TO LUKE'S
LUKE: What the -
LORELAI: Taa-daa!
LUKE: How'd you get in here?
LORELAI: You're bread guy let me in.
LUKE: I'm switching bread guys.
LORELAI: What do you think?
LUKE: I think you shouldn't break and enter.
LORELAI: So what do you think?
LUKE: Well I gotta admit - it looks pretty good.
LORELAI: Oh, I knew you'd like it.
LUKE: Thanks.
LORELAI: Anytime. It's fun.
LUKE: So, uh, where's the guy?
LORELAI: Oh he's gone.
LUKE: Oh, too bad.
LORELAI: We'll be fine. Luke?
LUKE: Yeah?
LORELAI: Um, can I make one more suggestion?
LUKE: No.
LORELAI: Curtains?
LUKE: No.
LORELAI: Manly curtains.
LUKE: Oxymoron.
LORELAI: What did you call me?
LUKE: No curtains.
LORELAI: Aw come on. You gotta give a little. How about a tablecloth?
LUKE: No. We don't do table cloths here. | Plan: A: Rory's life; Q: What does Christopher want to play a greater role in? A: Rory; Q: Who gives Christopher a tour of Stars Hollow? A: Christopher; Q: Who asks Lorelai to marry him? A: a visit; Q: What is Christopher's parents' reason for coming to Hartford? A: Emily; Q: Who invites Christopher's parents to dinner? A: Friday night dinner; Q: What dinner does Emily invite Christopher's parents to? A: Friday; Q: What day does Lorelai forget to help Luke paint the diner? A: an unqualified disaster; Q: What does Friday night dinner turn out to be? A: Richard; Q: Who nearly comes to blows with Christopher's father? A: the ruined dinner party; Q: What event causes Richard to retreat to his study? A: a plate; Q: What does Emily make for Rory in the kitchen? A: a little romantic history; Q: What does Christopher tell Lorelai to comfort her? A: The next morning; Q: When does Lorelai surprise Luke by having the diner completely repainted? A: a jacket; Q: What does Lorelai grab to run to the diner? A: her pajamas; Q: What is Lorelai still wearing when she runs to the diner to beg for forgiveness? A: Luke's forgiveness; Q: What does Lorelai ask for when she realizes she forgot to help paint the diner? A: the house; Q: Where does Lorelai go after she is asked to marry Christopher? A: California; Q: Where does Christopher go after Lorelai rejects his marriage proposal? A: touch; Q: What does Christopher promise to do better at staying in? Summary: Wanting to play a greater role in Rory's life, Christopher settles in for his visit and lets Rory give him the grand tour of Stars Hollow. When his parents arrive in Hartford for a visit, Emily invites everyone to Friday night dinner, which turns out to be an unqualified disaster after Richard nearly comes to blows with Christopher's father over critical comments about Lorelai. In the aftermath of the ruined dinner party, Richard retreats to his study to calm down, Emily makes a plate for Rory in the kitchen and reassures her how much she is loved and regarded, and Christopher finds Lorelai on the balcony of her old bedroom and comforts her by repeating a little romantic history. The next morning, Lorelai awakens with a start, horrified that she forgot to help Luke paint the diner after dinner on Friday night. Grabbing a jacket, she races to the diner still clad in her pajamas, and begs Luke's forgiveness. He shrugs it off at first, but appears somewhat wounded when he realizes that Lorelai was with Christopher the night before. When Lorelai returns to the house, Christopher asks her to marry him and she regretfully turns him down, claiming he's not ready for the responsibility of a family quite yet. Christopher returns to California with the promise of doing a better job of staying in touch. The next morning, Lorelai surprises Luke by having the diner completely repainted when he arrives to open up for the day. |
[Scene: Manor. Backyard. Night time. Piper and Phoebe are sitting on chairs looking up at a green mist in the sky. Paige walks out.]
Piper: It's even brighter than it was an hour ago.
Phoebe: It's like magic and science and fairy tales all rolled up into one.
Paige: Actually, it's ion speeding into the earth's magnetic field and then they collide with air molecules. Hm. (She sits down on a chair.) Do you guys think it's weird that the Aurora Borealis is happening the night before the Wiccan Festival of Lights?
Piper: I've been so busy planning for the baby, I forgot tomorrow is a Sabbath.
Paige: Yep, it's definitely a time for renewal and growth.
Piper: Uh, please, don't say growth. If this little thing gets any bigger, I'll never be able to snap back.
Paige: Hey, was that a shiver? I think I detected a shiver. Lady, you should go inside with that shiver.
Piper: Shh, I'm fine, I'm feeling fine.
Phoebe: You didn't look so fine when you were bent over the toilet puking your guts out today.
Piper: Nausea, headaches, all a normal part of pregnancy. Along with gas, heartburn, constant need to pee.
Phoebe: Sounds fun.
(A goose squawks. They see a white goose in front of them lay a golden egg. It flies into the house. Paige gets up.)
Paige: Uh, another golden goose.
(Paige picks up the golden egg.)
Piper: You'd think the magical community could find maybe something else to give to the baby.
Phoebe: Well, that's the hot item this year.
Piper: Clearly.
Paige: Yeah, I could definitely melt this down and make a fashionable ring.
Piper: You are not keeping that.
(Inside, Leo walks past the door.)
Leo: Goosy, goosy, goosy.
(Leo dives for the goose and lands on the floor. Piper and Phoebe laugh. Leo gets up and runs through the house.)
Piper: As much as I am enjoying the spectacle, I think we should really send those things back. Dad is in town tomorrow and he wants to stop by for a visit.
Phoebe: Yeah, he does get very Darin Stevens about our whole magic thing.
Paige: Yeah, we should maybe have Leo ask the Elders what the policy is on magical gift returns. We don't want a curse put on the family or anything.
(Leo walks outside.)
Piper: Yes, good idea.
(The Elders call Leo.)
Leo: I wonder what the Elders want this late?
Piper: Well, I don't know, but you go find out and keep it down when you come back because I'm gonna head up... (She stands up and feels dizzy.) Ohh. Or maybe down.
(She faints back onto the chair.)
Phoebe: Piper!
(They rush to her side.)
Leo: Piper.
Phoebe: Leo...
(Leo tries to heal Piper.)
Paige: What's going on?
Leo: I don't know, I can't heal her, she won't come to.
Phoebe: Okay, to the hospital. Come on.
Opening Credits
[Scene: Hospital. A room. Piper is lying in bed with Phoebe, Paige and Leo surrounding her.]
Phoebe: You scared us.
Piper: Me too. I guess I'm not so invincible after all.
Paige: Yeah, maybe we need to start taking better care of you.
Piper: No, it was my fault, everybody was telling me to slow down.
Leo: It's not your fault. We're all in uncharted territory. The Elders said that this was a special child and anything can happen. Lets not forget that.
(A female doctor walks in carrying a file.)
Doctor: How are you feeling?
Piper: Eh, tired and weak.
Doctor: I've got your test results here but I can't find your chart. When are you due?
Piper: Uh, six weeks.
Doctor: And who is your regular doctor?
Piper: Uh... we don't have one.
Leo: We've sorta been seeing a alternative medical practitioners.
Doctor: You don't have an OB/GYN?
Phoebe: We're training to be midwives.
Doctor: I'm open to all forms of healing but a woman in her third trimester should've had ultrasounds and blood work done by now. A medical doctor could have caught your condition earlier.
Piper: My condition?
Doctor: Toxaemia. It's a form of high blood pressure in pregnant women. Do you deal with unusual stress in your life?
Paige: Very unusual.
Piper: Is it serious?
Doctor: Toxaemia restricts blood flow and food and oxygen to the placenta. It can result in a small baby, premature delivery or it can lead to other complications, none of which you need to worry about now. Most women respond quickly to the treatment.
Piper: Okay, so give me the treatment.
Doctor: The treatment involves a no salt diet, no stress and lots of bed rest. Do that and the symptoms should reverse. I'll be back later to check on you.
(The doctor leaves the room.)
Leo: That's probably why I couldn't heal you. High blood pressure isn't just physical, it's a state of mind.
Paige: No stress and bed rest. Do you think you can handle that?
Piper: Yeah, I can handle that. I'll do anything.
Phoebe: So will we.
[Scene: The woods. A demon, Cronyn, stands beside a small fire. His assistant, Stanley, walks up beside him carrying an armload of wood.]
Cronyn: Oh, I have waited a life time for this.
Stanley: The Aurora Borealis is a rare sight indeed, sir.
(Stanley throws the wood onto the fire.)
Cronyn: It's much more than that. Two centuries ago when I became an apprentice, I devoted my life to sorcery and the black arts. And do you know why?
Stanley: No, sir.
Cronyn: In the hope that an ancient prophecy, which my mentor kept hidden, would one day come to pass.
Stanley: Has it?
Cronyn: Well, look up. The signs are converging. The future of all magic hangs in the balance. And only I know it.
Stanley: And now I know it too, sir.
Cronyn: Oh, yes you do. That's why you're going to help me by attacking the Charmed Ones tomorrow with fireballs.
Stanley: Fireballs? No-no-no, fireballs are useless against those witches.
Cronyn: Well, actually, you'll be lucky to have any fireball power at all if things happen the way I expect them to.
Stanley: It sounds like suicide, sir.
Cronyn: Suicide? Sacrifice. It's an opportunity of a life time to have power over good forever. This is a kind of mission that turns demons into legends. Your name will go down in infamy.
Stanley: Really?
Cronyn: Yes. What's your name again?
Stanley: Stanley.
Cronyn: Stanley. (He touches Stanley's face.) It all starts with you. Attack the witches, go down fighting, secure your legacy.
Stanley: I'll do my best, sir.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Scene: Manor. Piper's room. Phoebe's there. She places a vase of flowers on the bedside table. She then walks over to a candle and lights it. Paige orbs in holding a bucket of bubbling mud.]
Paige: Greetings from the dead sea.
Phoebe: Oh. Pew! What'd you eat over there.
Paige: It's not me, it's the sulphur in the mud. It has healing properties. You know, people comes from all over the world just to get this stuff.
Phoebe: Yeah, well, we want Piper to feel like she's in a spa, not some sewer.
Paige: I guess you're right, I just wanted the best for her.
Phoebe: I know, sweetie, we're gonna take good care of her and the baby. I promise.
Piper: (from downstairs) Hello?
Phoebe: (excited) There she is.
[Cut to the foyer. Piper and Leo are there. Phoebe and Paige race down the stairs.]
Phoebe: Welcome home, honey. Or should I say your highness? Because from now on we are your loyal subjects.
(She gives Piper a big hug.)
Paige: We even turned your bedroom into a royal throne room.
Leo: Let me take you there now, my queen.
Piper: Alright, knock it off before I cut your heads off. I don't want any special treatment.
Phoebe: Piper, we love you, let us love you.
Paige: Yeah, I mean, as your sisters and your midwives, we feel it's our duty to provide you with solitude and serenity and...
(A goose squawks and three golden geese walk into the living room.)
Piper: A gaggle of geese.
Leo: I thought you guys were gonna get rid of those.
Phoebe: You said you were gonna ask the Elders on magical gift return policies.
Piper: Okay, you guys, it's fine, everything's fine. It's not gonna bother me, I'm not gonna let anything bother me for the sake of my daughter.
Leo: Come on, I'll take you upstairs.
(Piper and Leo go upstairs.)
Phoebe: I thought you said you tied them up.
Paige: I did, but the little flockers got loose.
Phoebe: Okay, we have to do better than this for Piper. I mean, if we can't keep geese away from her, how are we supposed to protect her from demons?
Paige: Okay, you're right, you're right, we should take turns guarding the manor. You know, who knows what kind of weirdo stuff's gonna show up... (They hear a neighing noise coming from the kitchen.) Here? (They walk into the kitchen to find a white unicorn standing there. It has gotten into all the food. Phoebe panics.) Oh my goodness, it's a unicorn.
Phoebe: Yes, it is. In our kitchen. Is that another baby present you think, maybe?
Paige: Yeah, the best one ever.
(Paige goes over and pets the unicorn.)
Phoebe: Okay, Paige, while unicorns may be very magical and cool, I'm not so sure it's appropriate for a baby.
Paige: Oh, come on now. Our little niece will grow into it.
Phoebe: I'm not so sure about that. Have you seen those hooves? And how are we gonna baby proof that horn?
(Paige notices a card tied around its neck.)
Paige: Hey, look, there's a card. "From El." (Part of the card is torn.) El? Do we know anybody in Spain?
Phoebe: Paige, I don't care who it's from, okay? It just can't be here now. It's way too much stress for Piper and the baby, okay? So just orb it out of here.
Paige: I can't. Unicorns are mythical beasts from another world. Where do you propose I orb it to?
Phoebe: I don't care where you orb it to, just get it out of here, okay?
Paige: Fine, I'll orb it somewhere safe and tie it up until we figure it out.
(She touches the unicorn and tries to orb out. She glows in white orbs for a second and then the orbs vanish, leaving Paige still in the kitchen.)
Phoebe: What was that?
Paige: I can't orb it.
Phoebe: Okay, stand back. Uh, "take this beast, before I end her, ship her back, return to sender." (Nothing happens.) Wait, why aren't my powers working?
Paige: Uh, apple. (Nothing happens.) Nothing.
Phoebe: Oh, no. (Phoebe tries to levitate but can't.) I can't levitate, I'm grounded.
(Leo rushes in, panicking.)
Leo: Something's wrong, something's wrong, I can't orb. I was trying to go to the Elders to find out how to get rid of the golden geese and why is there a unicorn in the kitchen?
Paige: Forget the unicorn, our magic's down too?
Leo: It is?
Phoebe: Okay, well, whatever hit us, we have to assume also hit Piper. Okay, and she can't find out about this until we know what's going on because she...
Piper: (upstairs) Hello? Where is everybody?
Leo: Why is she out of bed?
Phoebe: I don't know.
Paige: Go put her back.
Phoebe: Go, go! (Leo rushes out of the kitchen.) Alright, Paige, uh, you take the magical farm animals and put them down in the basement. I'm gonna get the book and I'll meet you down there.
(Phoebe rushes out of the kitchen.)
Paige: Alright, you're Spanish. Andale!
(She waves her arms and clicks her fingers. It doesn't move.)
[Cut to the stairway. Piper is coming down the stairs. Leo comes around the corner.]
Leo: Why are you on your feet?
Piper: I was coming down to get some food. A person could starve around here.
(Phoebe runs around the corner.)
Phoebe: Hi. Bye.
(She runs up the stairs.)
Leo: Alright, come on upstairs, I'll get your food. You're supposed to be on bed rest.
Piper: Okay, well, bed rest doesn't actually mean...
Leo: Yes, it does. The doctor said stay off your feet and relax.
(Piper and Leo go upstairs. The unicorn walks down the hallway and Paige runs after it.)
Paige: Here, unicorn.
[Cut to Piper's bedroom. Piper and Leo walk in.]
Piper: Relax. Everybody keeps telling me to relax, like it's something you do. Like, like switching off a light.
Leo: You need to learn how to do it, Piper, if you're gonna get your blood pressure under control.
Piper: My blood pressure would not be a problem if we had been seeing a doctor like we were supposed to.
Leo: I knew that was coming. Come on, sit down.
(He helps her to the bed but she pushes him away.)
Piper: Don't treat me like a baby factory, I can sit myself down. (She sits on the bed.) All these fears about a magical baby and don't let the doctors find out and we'll buy a birthing ball and Paige and Phoebe will be midwives. And you know what? We were wrong.
Leo: How can you say that?
Piper: Because somehow in the middle of all this we forgot the most important thing of all. What's best for the baby.
Leo: Well, that's not fair. A lot of people decide to have babies at home.
Piper: Uh huh, maybe so but I was not one of them. And this baby is not even out of the womb yet and I'm already screwing up as a mother.
Leo: You're haven't screwed up.
Piper: Yes, I did, Leo, I did. I have a disease that is threatening our baby and I could've avoided it if I had just trusted my instincts.
Leo: Well, what are your instincts telling you now?
Piper: To have this baby in a hospital.
Leo: Okay, I'll make arrangements today.
Piper: Oh, really. And what happens when she's delivered in swaddling orbs?
Leo: We'll deal with it then. From now on I want you to feel safe and secure, okay? (He kisses her forehead and leans back knocking over a side table and all the stuff on it.) No magic! No magic! No magic! It's just too much stress on your body.
Piper: Like that mess on the floor's not gonna stress me out?
Leo: Well, I'll clean it up.
(The phone rings. Piper answers it.)
Piper: Hello? Uh, sure. (to Leo) It's one of your charges. Since when do they use the telephone?
Leo: Since I've been ignoring them to spend more time with my lovely wife. (He takes the phone.) Excuse me. Hello?
[Cut to the basement. Paige is there with the unicorn and the golden geese. Paige ties up the unicorn.]
Paige: There you go. (She walks over to the geese.) Come on, come on. (She steps backwards and stands on a golden egg. It smashes all over the floor.) Aw, yuck.
(Phoebe comes down the stairs carrying the Book of Shadows.)
Phoebe: Okay, look at this, check this out. (She flips open the book. The pages are blank.) The whole book has been erased.
Paige: How's that possible?
Phoebe: I don't know and without the book, I don't even know how to find out. It's like someone's taken the magic and erased it from our entire family.
Paige: I think it's bigger than that.
(They look at the squished egg on the floor.)
Phoebe: Oh, is that from one of our golden geese?
Paige: Yeah, I don't think we're gonna be able to return them now.
Phoebe: What is going on?
Paige: You know, this all started when El mystery mare arrived. Maybe she's a Trojan unicorn sent to suck away our magic.
Phoebe: No, I doubt it. Unicorns are the essence of good magic. If anything, they should enhance our powers, not steal them. What about the sky last night?
Paige: What, the northern lights on the eve of a Sabbath? Yeah, it could be a mystical sign but don't those normally come in threes? Where's the third?
Phoebe: Have you been experiencing uncontrollable emotional mood swings in the last week?
Paige: Am I that transparent?
Phoebe: No, but read your horoscope. Jupiter, Mars and Saturn are all in Gemini. That only happens once every three hundred years.
Paige: Holy Hannah. It's like the universe is practically screaming at us to get our attention.
Phoebe: Yeah, but what is it trying to say?
Paige: I don't know. But I've got a lot of research books in the attic. I'm gonna go up there and check it out.
Phoebe: Okay, I'll meet you up there. I'm gonna try to figure out a way to wrangle the geese.
Paige: Good luck.
(Paige goes up the stairs.)
[Cut to the stairway. Stanley is sneaking up the stairs. Paige comes around the corner.]
Paige: Hey! Who the hell are you?
Stanley: They call me Stanley. (A fireball forms in his hand and then vanishes.) I was afraid of that.
Paige: At least it's a level playing field.
(Stanley runs down the stairs and attacks Paige.)
[Cut to Piper's room. Piper is watching TV. Leo is cleaning up the mess on the floor.]
Tabitha: (on TV) Tonight, Tabitha is going to get her revenge. On all of harmony.
(Tabitha cackles.)
Piper: Hm. Like that spell would've worked. (They hear a thump coming from downstairs.) What was that?
Leo: What?
(They hear another thump.)
Piper: That.
Leo: Oh, that. That's probably the girls trying to run down the geese. Yeah, tricky birds, you know. Listen, I'll go help out, you, uh, relax.
(He turns up the volume on the TV and smiles at Piper. He leaves the room.)
[Cut to downstairs. Paige and Stanley are fighting. Stanley knocks Paige to the floor. He grabs a marble tabletop from nearby and holds it above his head. Phoebe runs in holding a knife.]
Phoebe: Hey!
(She throws the knife at Stanley and hits him in his chest.)
Stanley: My name will haunt you to your grave.
(He falls backwards, dead. Phoebe helps Paige up.)
Phoebe: What was his name again?
Paige: I don't remember.
(Green slime pours out of Stanley's chest. Leo comes down the stairs.)
Leo: What's with the leftovers?
Paige: Well, his magic ran out just like ours.
Phoebe: Okay, so we have no powers, demons have no powers, what is going on here?
Leo: I don't know. I just got a call from a charge and her powers are down too. So I unplugged the phone just in case we get any more calls. I don't want Piper to panic.
Paige: Oh, well, it's official. Magic's down everywhere.
(The unicorn neighs and walks into the dining room.)
Phoebe: I thought you tied her up.
Paige: I did, she eats through everything.
(The doorbell rings.)
Phoebe: Oh, god, what time is it? That's probably dad.
Leo: I'll get the unicorn.
Paige: We got the body.
(Phoebe opens the closet door and they grab his arms.)
Phoebe: Alright, ready?
Paige: Come on, dead guy.
(They drag him into the closet.)
Victor: (from outside) Hello? Anybody home?
(Leo takes the unicorn into the kitchen. Phoebe and Paige tuck the demon's legs into the closet and close the door.)
Piper: (from upstairs) Somebody get that?
(Phoebe and Paige go into the foyer and open the door. Victor and a woman is standing there.)
Victor: Phoebe, Paige, I'd like you to meet Doris.
Phoebe: Doris?
Victor: My new wife and your new stepmother.
Doris: Hi!
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Scene: Manor. Foyer. Phoebe, Paige, Victor and Doris head toward the stairway.]
Phoebe: How are you. Married?
Paige: We didn't even know you were dating.
Phoebe: Or that you date at all for that matter, dad.
Victor: Well, it happened pretty fast.
Doris: Yes, we met on the singles cruise.
Phoebe: Oh, that trip to Mexico. That was a singles cruise?
Victor: Yeah, I'm a man of many mysteries.
Phoebe: Really?
Victor: Where's Piper? I wanna share the good news.
(He heads for the stairs but Paige stops him.)
Paige: Oh, god, no, that's okay. She's upstairs resting. We found out last night that she has a blood pressure condition.
Victor: She's okay?
Phoebe: Oh, yeah, she's fine. Don't worry. At least don't let her see you worry, anyway.
Doris: Poor thing. Young women today are under so many pressures. Is she eating enough garlic? Because it dilates the blood vessels, you know.
(She hands her coat and purse to Victor.)
Phoebe: Oh, well, we'll have to fix some of that up.
(Victor heads for the closet but Paige grabs the coat and purse off him.)
Paige: Oh, let me take that for you. (Paige goes over to the closet, opens it and quickly throws the coat and purse on top of the dead demon. She quickly closes the door and turns around.) We're all outta hangers.
(Piper comes down the stairs.)
Piper: Hey, dad!
Victor: Hey, Piper! (He goes over and gives her a hug.) Oh, I heard the news. You shouldn't be on your feet.
Phoebe: Dad's got some news of his own. Gently though, dad, we don't want her to drop that calf right there on the stairs.
Victor: Piper, I want you to meet Doris, my new bride.
(Piper's eyes widen.)
Phoebe: Yeah.
(Doris walks over to Piper. Piper fakes a smile.)
Doris: Hello, Piper.
Piper: Hi, hi, uh, Doris. W-w-welcome to the family, I guess.
Victor: I know it's kinda sudden but sometimes when life drops a peach at your feet, you've gotta stop and make some cobbler.
(The closet door opens and Stanley's leg falls out. Just as that happens, Victor leans in and kisses Doris, so they don't notice. Paige quickly pushes Stanley's leg back in the closet and slams the door.)
Paige: That is always my motto, isn't that funny?
Phoebe: Uh, uh, apparently they met on a singles cruise. Did you know dad goes on singles cruises?
Doris: Oh, it was like in the movies. Our eyes met across the buffet bar, your dad's so handsome and, well, I told him, don't eat the rolls, you know, too much processed flour. (Stanley's green blood escapes from under the closet door.) Anyway, we stayed up all night long talking, (Paige drags the rug along the floor with her foot and covers the blood.) And by the morning we just knew.
Victor: Mmm, she devastates me.
(Leo walks in.)
Leo: Okay, I put away the uni... (He sees everyone.) Cycle.
Piper: What unicycle?
Leo: It's a baby gift. Hey, Victor.
Victor: Leo.
Doris: Hello, I'm Doris. (She shakes his hand.) I'm your new mother-in-law.
Leo: Oh, hi, I guess I missed a lot, didn't I?
Phoebe: Okay, now that we've all met, maybe the two lucky newlyweds should check into the hotel because it's really crazy here and then we'll call you...
Doris: Oh-oh, no. We're not going anywhere.
Piper: You're not?
Doris: No, I used to volunteer at the hospital. We can stay and help take care of you.
(Piper puts on a fake smile.)
Piper: You can?
Doris: I look forward to some real mother-daughter bonding.
Piper: You do, huh?
(The doorbell rings.)
Phoebe: Oh.
Paige: Well, you know, now that we've figured out you're staying here, let's get Piper off her feet, shall we?
(Piper walks over to Phoebe and Paige.)
Piper: (whispers) You can't leave me alone with her.
Phoebe: Yeah, yeah, we have to. Because what if it's another magical baby gift?
(Piper is not happy. She turns back towards the stairs.)
Leo: Come on, upstairs.
(Piper, Leo, Victor and Doris go upstairs. The doorbell rings again. Phoebe and Paige go and open the door. Cronyn is standing there.)
Paige: Can I help you?
Cronyn: To save magic? I hope so.
[Time lapse. Backyard. Cronyn is waiting there. Phoebe and Paige walk out.]
Paige: Okay, sorcerers don't just drop by our house. What makes you think we're not going to vanquish you?
Cronyn: Because you can't. Didn't you get my message? My apprentice was supposed to drop by this morning.
Phoebe: Oh, that guy? He's dead in our closet. But he didn't give us a message.
Cronyn: Because he was the message. To demonstrate the dire nature of our situation.
Paige: So you're saying demons don't have power either.
Cronyn: Down to the last imp. There's fear and panic everywhere. Demons stuck in the underworld with no way up. Others stuck topside with no way down.
Phoebe: Oh, poor little evil creatures.
Cronyn: Well, I see your flowers haven't died yet, and they will. With no gnomes or garden nymphs to spin their delicate magic.
Paige: Don't go getting all enchanted on us.
Cronyn: Oh, don't worry, I hate good magic, fairy tales, wishes on stars, and children who believe in Santa Claus. Mortals don't know it exists, but magic infuses all their hopes and dreams.
Paige: Stand back, I think he's gonna break out in song.
Cronyn: Oh, hardly. Nothing would give me more pleasure than to watch it all ripped from the world.
Phoebe: So why not just sit back and watch the show? Why come to us?
Cronyn: Because I want my power back. Magic must be saved and it's up to us.
Paige: Us? We're us, you're them. We don't help them's. Sorry.
Cronyn: You can't fix this by yourselves. That's why you invited me here to your backyard. But together, together we can interpret the signs.
Phoebe: (to Paige) You were right about the signs. (to Cronyn) Okay, so what do you propose that we do?
Cronyn: A summit between good and evil to discuss the crisis. Of course, there'd be certain rules. No guns, no knives, etc, you know.
Paige: The exit's that way, so if you wanna just... (whistles).
Cronyn: We don't have much time. The longer magic is down, the harder it is to restore. (He pulls out a business card which reads "Cronyn, Sorcerer - Evil Magic For All Occasions" and hands it to Phoebe.) My cell phone's on the back in case your sister changes her mind.
Phoebe: Cronyn, huh? Since when do sorcerers have cell phones?
Cronyn: You think that's bad? I've got a taxi waiting out front. Call me.
(He heads for the exit. Phoebe laughs.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Scene: Manor. Conservatory. Phoebe and Paige walk in from the backyard.]
Paige: I don't trust him.
Phoebe: Yeah, but I kinda liked his whole world without magic speech. It was very Capra.
Paige: Pure crappa. I don't wanna help evil.
(Leo walks in.)
Leo: What evil?
Phoebe: A sorcerer wants to arrange peace talks for the whole magic crisis.
Paige: Oh, yeah, and Phoebe is actually considering it.
Phoebe: Well, of course I'm considering it, the future of magic is at stake here, not to mention the future of my niece. And what else do we have right now? There's no powers, no book, no Elders.
Leo: Phoebe's right. Without magic, Piper and the baby are vulnerable, we can't protect them.
Paige: Okay, fine, but if there's a meeting we're going in heavy, in case it's a trap.
Phoebe: Okay, but Cronyn said no weapons.
Paige: And you trust him? Leo, I'm gonna need some saltpetre and some cayenne pepper from the kitchen.
Leo: For what?
Paige: A homemade arsenal. Phoebe, would you kindly get an aerosol can. Ladies and gentleman, it's time to lock and load.
[Cut to Piper's room. Doris is unpacking a gift basket.]
Doris: I knew this gift basket would come in handy. And lucky for you I am always ready for emergencies.
Victor: You should've seen our first date.
Doris: Oh, your father spilled steak sauce all down the front of his shirt.
Victor: And Doris pulls out a bottle of stain remover from her purse.
Doris: Of course I licked it off your chin first.
(Victor and Doris kiss. Piper turns her head.)
Piper: Oh, that's so sweet. (Leo walks past her room carrying saltpetre and cayenne pepper.) Hi, honey, what are you doing?
(Leo comes back and stands at the door.)
Leo: Uh, I'm just taking Paige some spices. She's gonna make a homeopathic remedy to help you relax. See ya.
(He leaves.)
Doris: Homeopathic medicine? You're into homeopathic medicine? I knew I was gonna love this family. This is unbelievable. My first husband passed away a couple of years ago, heart attack. And the first thing I did when we got home from the cruise is put your father on a low fat, high fibre diet.
Victor: And a monthly colonic.
(Piper turns her head once again and sees Phoebe walk into the room.)
Piper: Hi, Phoebe, come sit, talk with us, please.
Phoebe: Oh, I can't, I have a big meeting at work. Do you have any hairspray I could borrow?
Piper: You have hairspray.
Phoebe: Yeah, but mine's non-aerosol and it's a really big meeting, so I need aerosol for that super firm hold, you know.
Piper: Check my bathroom.
(Phoebe walks past them and goes in the bathroom.)
Doris: Oh, honey, you know what? There's no cheese knife here. Would you mind going downstairs and getting it.
Victor: Absolutely, baby doll.
(Victor kisses Doris and heads for the door. He turns around and smiles, then leaves. Phoebe walks back in the room with the aerosol can.)
Doris: Uh, girls? I just wanted to let you know how I feel about your father. I, I just feel so lucky. He's the most special man I've ever met.
Piper: Thank you.
Phoebe: That's the sweetest thing you could ever say to us.
Doris: Well, it's true, you know. He's so, he's so kind and he's so sensitive. And, oh, he's the most exciting lover. Oh! I mean, girlfriends, he can go all night. I'm not kidding.
(Doris squeals. Phoebe and Piper fake a smile.)
Phoebe: Did ya hear? Gotta go to that meeting.
Piper: Don't leave me.
(Phoebe leaves the room.)
[Cut to the attic. Paige and Leo are there. Leo is making a candle. Paige puts down the phone. Phoebe walks in.]
Paige: That was Cronyn. (She picks up a bottle and pours a red liquid into it.) He says, uh, he'll meet us in an hour. He suggested one of his, you know, dark chambers, I suggested Manny's Pizzeria.
Phoebe: Nice, public venue, way to go. What is that?
Paige: This would be a pipe bomb, dear.
Phoebe: Oh, what...
Paige: I was good at chem lab in high school. How's the candle going?
Leo: Fine, it just needs a few minutes to set. Are you sure it's gonna give us smoke?
Paige: Total whiteout, as long as you put six parts of saltpetre in there.
Leo: Okay, we have one flammable spray can, one lotion bottle bomb, a smoking candle, two sharpened nail files, four cayenne pepper spray straws, and assorted rings and bracelets?
(Phoebe shows her hands to reveal her fingers covered in rings.)
Paige: Well, it kinda makes you appreciate your powers, doesn't it?
Phoebe: We don't need no stinkin' powers to kick some demon ass.
Paige: Well, maybe you don't. You're a little bit better with your mono-e-mono stuff. Speaking of, I have some extra gifts for you, my dear.
Phoebe: Okay.
(They go over to a chest.)
Paige: These were mine and now they're yours. (She pulls out a chain mail top.) Chain mail top from my club days. Steel toed boots from my mosh pit days. Handcuffs, from last Friday.
(Leo tests the candle and a big cloud of smoke rises from it.)
Phoebe: Hey, do you think we're making a huge mistake by not telling Piper about this?
Paige: No, absolutely not, I think she needs to relax.
Leo: I agree. Piper's not just carrying the next generation of Halliwell, she's carrying the next generation of magic.
Phoebe: Then let's go save them.
[Cut to Piper's bedroom. Piper's eating a cracker. Doris is sitting on Victor's lap. They are doing a magazine quiz.]
Doris: Okay, the last question is, what is your lover's favourite article of clothing? Hm. Oh, it has to be your grey cardigan. Am I right?
Victor: As always, baby doll.
(They kiss. Piper lays back in her bed and gets under the covers.)
Doris: Okay, that's nineteen out of twenty. That makes our romance rating jalapeno hot.
(Victor growls and Doris giggles. Piper spots Phoebe, Paige and Leo walking past the room.)
Piper: Hey! Somebody get in here. (Phoebe and Paige leave Leo. Leo goes in the room.) Hi. I may be stuck in bed but I am not stuck on stupid. I know that something's going on.
Leo: Well, you wanted a doctor and she told you to relax, so, relax.
(He chuckles.)
Piper: Mmm, how can I relax when I know that you're hiding something from me? All the strange noises and weird behaviour. Why don't you just tell me what's going on?
Leo: Okay, um... (to Victor and Doris) I'm sorry, you guys, we need a moment, a magical moment.
Doris: Oh.
Victor: Oh, alright, then.
(They get up and leave the room. Leo closes the door.)
Leo: Okay, uh, well, it's really nothing to worry about. Magic has disappeared from the world and Phoebe and Paige went to have a summit meeting with evil so they can fix it. See? Nothing to worry about.
Piper: I see. Okay, I am not gonna get upset about this. I am just gonna blow you to pieces.
(She tries to blow him up but nothing happens.)
Leo: See, I tried to tell you.
Piper: Oh, no!
Leo: Listen, I-I'm sure it's nothing. Phoebe and Paige...
Piper: Leo, no. My water just broke.
[Scene: Manny's Pizzeria. Phoebe and Paige walk into the crowded shop. They look around and spot Cronyn sitting at a table with two other men. They walk over to them.]
Cronyn: This is Merrill, our highest ranking wizard and personal mentor. Kane, top advisor to the warlocks.
Kane: Check their bags for weapons.
Paige: Like we'd attack in front of civilians. That's why we chose a public place.
Cronyn: You can't be too safe, you know. (Phoebe and Paige hand them their handbags. They look inside.) What's with the candle?
Phoebe: We thought we'd try a wiccan ritual or two to try to bring back magic.
Cronyn: Let's get down to business.
(They hand back the handbags.)
Phoebe: Okay, well, wait a minute, bubs. How do we know you guys aren't packing weapons?
Kane: You mean like this?
(Kane stands up and pulls out a big knife.)
Paige: Hey, now.
(The room falls silent.)
Phoebe: Did it just get very quiet in here?
Cronyn: You don't think we'd pass up the opportunity to take out the Charmed Ones, now do you?
(Everyone in the room stand up, all holding weapons. They surround Phoebe and Paige.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Scene: Manny's Pizzeria. Phoebe crashes through a window and lands behind a table. Paige goes flying through the room, landing on the table and falling to the floor.]
Phoebe: How did you do it? This place must've been crawling with customers.
Cronyn: We paid them to leave. Of course, the owner wanted to stay but he's browning in the pizza oven.
Paige: What about magic? Who's gonna fix it?
Cronyn: I got that covered. Which is more than I can say for you two.
Phoebe: If you don't think we came prepared for this moment, you are sadly mistaken. (She pulls out the hairspray can and holds it up. The demons move closer. Phoebe sprays the can and holds a lighter under it. The demons duck as the ball of fire heads for them. Paige lights the lotion bottle bomb and throws it at the demons. Phoebe and Paige duck for cover. One demon catches it and it blows up the whole room. The demons groan in pain.) We've gotta fight our way out of this or die trying. You ready?
(Phoebe lights the smoke candle and throws it in the room. Thick smoke fills the room. Cronyn grabs Kane.)
Cronyn: Don't let 'em out alive.
(He heads for the door. Phoebe and Paige run into the room, Paige holding a baseball bat, and start attacking the demons. Cronyn leaves the Pizzeria.)
[Cut to the manor. Piper's room. Piper, Leo and Victor are there. Piper is panicking.]
Piper: What are we doing? Why are we sitting here? We need to go to the hospital now.
Leo: You need to relax. Your water broke, it's no need to panic.
Piper: No, you are wrong. My due date is six weeks away. This baby is not ready to come out. Please, take me to the hospital.
Leo: Okay, okay.
(Doris walks in.)
Doris: I just got off the phone with your doctor and she said don't move until she gets here.
Piper: She's coming here?
Doris: She's on her way now.
Victor: There. See? Everything's gonna be okay.
Piper: I need Phoebe and Paige, they've trained so hard for this, they should be here now.
Leo: I called Phoebe's cell phone, there was no answer.
Piper: Ugh.
Victor: Well, can't you just, you know, pop over there and get them in that special way you do?
Leo: Kinda got a problem with that right now.
Piper: Ooh! (She holds her stomach.) Oh my god, contraction.
Doris: Okay, okay, just breathe. (Doris does breathing exercise. Piper copies her.) Piper needs all the love and support we can give her right now, Leo. Go and get her sisters.
Piper: Please. (Leo kisses Piper on her forehead and leaves.) Okay, it's over, okay.
Doris: Now, the doctor said I need to keep you warm, so I'm gonna change all the sheets and all these wet blankets, alright?
(Doris looks at Victor and he nods. They go out into the hallway.)
Victor: Hey, what if the baby comes before the doctor gets here? Do you know what to do?
(She kisses him and smiles.)
Doris: I know exactly what to do.
(Doris pulls out a knife and stabs Victor in the stomach. He falls to the floor.)
[Cut to Piper's room. Piper has changed into a nightgown. She sits on the bed. Doris walks in carrying a pile of sheets.]
Doris: Alrighty, then.
Piper: Where's dad?
Doris: Oh, he decided to go with Leo. Oh, but don't worry, you still have family here.
[Cut to the Pizzeria. Merrill crawls along the floor, wounded. Phoebe stands above him.]
Phoebe: Where's Cronyn?
Merrill: He had business to attend to.
Phoebe: Yeah, I'll bet.
(Phoebe pulls handcuffs out of her handbag and cuffs Merrill to a chair. Paige walks over and holds a knife to his throat.)
Paige: Did Cronyn bring down magic?
Merrill: He doesn't have the power.
Phoebe: No, but you do.
Paige: Of course, you're his mentor.
Phoebe: What happened to magic?
(No answer.)
Paige: Answer the lady's question.
Merrill: Centuries ago, I unearthed a quatrain from the tomb of a wise apothecary. "When three planets burn as one over a sky of dancing light, and magic will rest for a holy day to welcome a twice blessed child."
Paige: Those are the signs that we saw. The Aurora Borealis, the planetary alignment, the wiccan Sabbath.
Phoebe: Wait, back to the twice blessed child business. What is that?
Paige: Cronyn is not after us...
Phoebe: He's after Piper's baby. Oh my god.
(Phoebe pulls out her cell phone and dials the manor.)
Paige: That's why he led us here to our slaughter so the Power of Three couldn't find him. When do we get our powers back?
Merrill: When it's too late to use them.
Phoebe: The house line's dead.
Merrill: Magic won't return to the world until the baby is born, which should be any minute.
[Cut to the manor. Piper's room. Piper is in bed, back to the door. Doris sits down beside her. Cronyn walks into the room.]
Piper: Finally, Leo... (She turns around and sees Cronyn.) Who are you?
Cronyn: I'm here for your baby.
(Piper looks at Doris and she smiles. Piper starts to panic.)
Cronyn: It'd be easier if you'd just relax, Piper. (He puts a medical kit on the bed. Piper gets a contraction and she groans.) Breathe deeply... and push.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Scene: Manor. Piper's room. Doris covers Piper back up with the blankets.]
Doris: She's fully effaced and dilated. It won't be long now.
Piper: You can't have my baby, I won't- Aahh!
(Piper screams as she gets another contraction.)
[Cut to the kitchen. Phoebe and Paige walk in from the back door. They hear Piper scream. Phoebe starts to go to her but Paige stops her.]
Paige: No, no, he's not gonna hurt her while she's in labour.
Phoebe: Okay, well, what if Leo's hurt, or dad?
Paige: There's only one way to save them.
(They head for the basement and Paige grabs a knife on her way past.)
[Cut to the basement. Paige scrapes the knife along the unicorn's horn and catches the dust in a scooper.]
Paige: A unicorn's horn is pure concentrated magic. See, I told you all magic wasn't down.
Phoebe: Okay, how did you know that?
Paige: Because the wizard stole the prophecy from an apothecary, an agent of good magic.
Phoebe: Wait, that would mean that the Elders knew what he wrote. (Phoebe looks at the card around the unicorn's neck.) Look, the card says "From El", that's gotta be for the Elders. They knew magic was going to go down and that we'd be in danger.
Paige: Why didn't they just tell us?
Phoebe: They tried. Leo got a call from the Elders, remember? And then Piper passed out and we had to take her to the hospital.
Paige: And then they sent us this little present. I guess your magic is no affected by what happens on earth.
[Cut to Piper's room. Piper is breathing heavily. Doris is wiping her forehead. They hear a neigh.]
Cronyn: What was that?
Doris: The witches?
(The unicorn neighs again. Cronyn grabs a knife.)
Cronyn: (to Doris) You stay here.
Piper: Where is my father? What did you do to him?
Doris: Shh, don't worry about such things. Child birth is painful enough.
Piper: If you do anything to my baby, I will kill you. I will hunt you and kill you. Even if it means coming back from the dead and don't think I won't find a way to do that.
Doris: We're not going to hurt your baby, Piper. We're going to raise her as our own. She's going to be a powerful leader, a great force of evil. You should be proud, very proud.
(Doris turns away and squeezes the cloth into a bowl. Piper reaches over and grabs a vase of flowers off the side table. She smashes it over Doris' head, knocking her unconscious. Piper gets out of bed.)
[Cut to the basement. Phoebe is pouring the unicorn dust into a satchel. Paige finishes writing a spell.]
Paige: Okay, one vanquish spell.
(They hear creaking floorboards.)
[Cut to the kitchen. Cronyn is there looking around. He sees the basement door open and heads over to it. He is distracted by a loud thud coming from the stairway. He leaves the kitchen and walks over to the stairway. Piper is lying there.]
Cronyn: Stupid witch. You could've killed the both of you.
(Doris runs down the stairs holding the back of her head.)
Doris: Ohh, she caught me off guard.
Cronyn: Just get down here.
(Doris walks to the bottom of the stairs. Cronyn goes up to Piper.)
Piper: Get away from me!
Doris: Her contractions are less than a minute apart.
[Cut to the second floor. Victor regains consciousness.]
[Cut back to the stairway.]
Piper: Oh, god, please not now.
(Phoebe and Paige come around the corner.)
Phoebe: Step aside, bitch!
Paige: Yeah, that's our job.
(Cronyn holds the knife up against Piper's neck.)
Cronyn: Move, even breathe and she's dead.
Piper: Vanquish him, Phoebe.
Cronyn: Your sister will die.
Piper: It's to save the baby.
Paige: Oh my god.
Cronyn: I'm warning you.
Piper: Kill him.
Phoebe: How can I?
Piper: Do it!
Phoebe: But I...
Piper: Phoebe, if you love me, you will send this crazy b*st*rd straight to hell.
(Victor makes his way down the stairs and pounces on Cronyn. With all his strength, he throws Cronyn over the railing. Paige throws a handful of unicorn dust over Cronyn.)
Paige: Now!
Phoebe: "Beast of legend, myth and lore, give my words the power to soar, and kill this evil evermore."
(Cronyn and Doris run for the door but are vanquished before they can get there. Stanley, dead in the closet, explodes and disappears.)
Paige: Is everybody okay?
Piper: I feel like I'm dying.
[Time lapse. Phoebe races into the dining room carrying a doctor's kit.]
Phoebe: Baby's coming, baby's coming!
(She puts the bag down and covers the dining room table with a sheet. She gets a couple of pillows and places them on the table. Paige helps Piper up onto the table and she leans back on the pillows.)
Phoebe: Okay, you're doing great, sweetie. Yes, you are. Let's see what we have here. (Phoebe pulls up Piper's nightgown.) Oh! I see a head of dark hair.
(Piper starts to cry.)
Piper: You do?
Paige: What'd you expect? A blonde?
(They laugh. Leo runs in through the front door.)
Leo: What'd I miss?
Piper: A lot!
(Leo runs over to them.)
Paige: Victor needs help. Here, try this.
(Paige throws Leo the satchel of unicorn dust. Leo goes over to Victor.)
Phoebe: Okay, breathe. Keep breathing, keep breathing.
Paige: It's okay. Breathe, just breathe.
(Leo sprinkles unicorn dust onto Victor's wound and heals him.)
Phoebe: Very good. Okay, relax, relax, you're okay.
Piper: Dad?
Victor: Yeah, honey?
Piper: I'm sorry about your demon wife.
(She cries.)
Victor: Oh, hush. Don't think about that.
(Leo walks over to Piper and puts his arm around her.)
Leo: I'm right here, baby.
Phoebe: Okay. You okay? You're alright. Okay. You're doing great, you're doing great. Push, okay? Last push.
Piper: I can't.
Phoebe: You have to. A big one. Big one! Push!
Leo: You can do it.
Piper: I can't.
Phoebe: You can, you can.
Paige: Yes, you can.
Phoebe: Okay, push. (Piper pushes.) Push. Come on, push!
(Piper squeezes the edge of the table and pushes. A blue light shines down on them.)
Paige: Oh, I guess magic's coming back.
Phoebe: Here we go, here we go. (Piper cries.) Oh, I see a shoulder. Oh, and another shoulder. And an arm. (Phoebe helps the baby out.) Oh, and something else, something else. (Phoebe picks up scissors from the medical kit and cuts the umbilical cord. She picks the baby up which is glowing in orbing lights.) Hi, baby. Hi. (She uses a suction and clears the baby's mouth. The baby cries. Phoebe turns the baby around and shows them.) Look!
(Their eyes widen.)
Paige: Oh. Is that what I think it is?
Phoebe: Uh, if you're referring to Mr. Winkie between the legs, yes.
Leo: You mean, I got a boy?
Phoebe: Here you go, mama.
(She hands Piper her baby.)
Piper: Hi. Hi, little guy, what are you doing? Look what we did.
Leo: I see.
Paige: It's a miracle.
Piper: A little miracle.
Phoebe: He's beautiful.
Piper: You are safe, you are loved, and you are wise. (Piper smiles.) How ya doing? | Plan: A: six weeks; Q: How long is Piper's due date? A: bed rest; Q: What is Piper on because of her high blood pressure? A: Phoebe; Q: Who and Paige vanquish Doris and Cronyn? A: Leo; Q: Who shows up to help Piper give birth? A: all magic; Q: What has stopped? A: the prophecy; Q: What has been foretold that magic will lay dormant until the birth of the twice-blessed child? A: the twice-blessed child; Q: What prophecy states that magic will lay dormant until the time of its birth? A: A sorcerer; Q: Who wants to kill the sisters so he can raise the baby as a powerful force of evil? A: Victor; Q: Whose new wife is a demon? A: the kidnapping; Q: What does Doris plan to do to Piper's baby? A: labor; Q: What does Piper go into when she tries to escape? A: the surprise; Q: What was the reaction of everyone when the baby was born? A: a boy; Q: What gender is the baby? A: orbs; Q: What is the baby's birthing gown made of? Summary: Piper is due in six weeks and has to be on bed rest because of her high blood pressure. Phoebe, Paige, and Leo realize that all magic has stopped and that it has been foretold in the prophecy of the twice-blessed child, whom up until the time of its birth, magic will lay dormant. A sorcerer knows of this, and he plans to kill the sisters so he can raise Piper's baby as a powerful force of evil. Phoebe and Paige discover that Victor's new wife, Doris, is a demon who plans to aide the sorcerer in the kidnapping of Piper's baby. When Piper attempts to escape, she goes into labor. Phoebe and Paige arrive just in time and vanquish Doris and the sorcerer, Cronyn. Leo soon shows up and Piper gives birth to their baby, to the surprise of everyone, turns out to be a boy in a swirl of orbs. |
Ted (2030): Children at the end of 2008, your Aunt Robin was unemployed and a little adrift, so his friendship with Lily was more important than ever. Lily and Robin are in McClaren's.
Robin: So, it seems that Marshall has to work late on Friday.You know what that means, party girls.
Lily: Well, a teacher at my school, Jillian, a birthday. What?
Robin: It's just that... I have never heard of this before Jillian, and suddenly, it's your best friend. You do not stop talking about her.
Lily: Do not be jealous. We hang out together all the time.
Robin: Yeah, but Marshall is still there. There was not much time to talk, just us two.
Lily: This is false. Flashback At the apartment Marshall and Lily, Lily and Robin are sitting on the couch.
Robin: This is where the story gets really good. So it goes...
Marshall: Hi. Robin:... place. And then this... guy talking about this thing with the stuff of which I spoke the other day about this place.Well, anyway... it happened.
Marshall: My God. You and the guy the mayor's office did it to the UN under the office of Ambassador of Zaire? Cool. End flashback
Robin: I wish we had time for girls. I love Marshall, but I am not free to express myself.
Lily: Come with me and Jillian, then.
Robin: OK, but I want to stay too late because... (Marshall and Ted joined them at the table) Do you remember... this thing last month after going there? You know who said it was going, but she gave me tips.
Marshall: You always mycoses?
GENERIC
Barney: I want to take this moment.
Marshall: Which one?
Barney: The last time you and I are just competing for the title of best friend Ted.
Ted: Marshall is my best friend.
Barney: Exactly. Draw. But it's all about to change. Is it correct that you are an architect?
Ted: My best friend does not, but still.
Barney: You draw what now?
Ted: Well, you renovate the library Nouillorc.
Robin: That's great!
Ted: No, not the New York Public Library. This is the library Nouillorc, in Dakota. Their books are in two parts: fishing and not fishing.
Barney: I think you'll love what's happened at work.
Flashback Barney is in a meeting.
Bilson: While corruption has destabilized the regime and killed most of the royal family, it helped to relax banking regulation in Rangoon. Good for us. Last order of the meeting it was decided to continue on the project's new headquarters in the city of Goliath National Bank. End flashback
Ted: Who's going to draw?
Barney: That was my first question. Flashback
Barney: Who's going to draw?
Bilson: We approached a company. This Swedish architectural collective called Sven. End flashback
Ted: Sven?
Ted (2030): Sven was this swedish architecture collective revered for their bold, innovative designs. I hated them.
Ted: I hate them. Swedish architecture collective.
Robin: No one.
Lily: Pretentious.
Ted: "It is not a company. It is a collective. "
Barney: I know. "We're Swedish. It's so cool with our baguettes and our Eiffel Tower. "
Marshall: Sweden, this is not France. You know that?
Barney: It's France. No matter, I told Bilson... Flashback
Barney: Bislon, saving your... End flashback
Barney: No, I get up, and I told Bilson... Flashback
Barney: Bislon, saving your... End flashback
Barney: Music. Imagine a patriotic music. Flashback
Barney: Bilson, with all due respect... it would be terrible if a job that would suit American architects was relevant to a band of French. Where is our patriotism? Love of country? Our love of all that...
Bilson: Listen, Stinson, no one hates all the other countries of the world than me, but you have arguments?
Barney: Yes. I know a great American architect who would be perfect. Ted Mosby. End flashback
Barney: All you have to do is come and offer your drawing, I take care of the Board, the project is yours.
Ted: You realize what a hero I'd be if I brought this project to my box?
Barney: It's not the best. We three, we'll work together.
Marshall: Ted will come to call.
Barney: Yes, totally.
Ted: What is it?
Barney: It works like this: one of us goes into the office the other and said... Flashback Marshall is in his office with two men. Barney comes to see.
Barney: Marshall, the teleconference begins soon.
Marshall: Sorry, I gotta go.
Barney: And then you go up on the roof... and drink beer. Barney and Marshall are on the roof.
Marshall: It's great. Drinking at work.
Barney: Basically, it is of "Mad Men."
Marshall: Yes! There is too much "Mad Men"!
Barney: I'll spank a secretary.
Marshall: That's exactly what they would do in this series.
Barney: What series? End flashback
Barney: And then you throw the bodies of cans at pigeons.
Marshall: I do not do that.
Ted: I love to do that.
Barney: I will realize your dream.
Ted: Seriously, Barney, from what I've lived with Stella, I have this opportunity... it touches me.
Ted (2030): It was true. You see, children, when I became an architect, I had a dream... contribute to building a panorama of New York. I wanted to point one of these buildings and say, "See that? That right there? This is mine. "This job was the opportunity to realize that. Robin and Lily walk into a bar.
Robin: Your friend has a birthday here? She has what, 19?
Lily: No. Believe me, it's not his style. She must not know what kind of place this is.
Jillian: We're here, my little p *** sexy! We just get served!
All: Wooo!
Lily: Oh, my God. At school, she is so calm and normal. I thought it was not... a Woo. Flashback
Ted (2030): What is Woo? Let me explain. Woo is a kind of a young woman, who, like the cuckoo and the nightingale, takes its name from its singular it produces. Also, a Woo can be triggered in different ways. On one particular song on the jukebox...
Jillian: My God, this song is my story too.
All: Wooo! Ted (2030):... to a cheap shooter. On a ride on a mechanical bull... up, everything and anything.
Jillian: Oh my God, I was afraid of not having fed the cat, then I remembered that I had done.
All: Wooo! End flashback
Lily: I swear, at school, Jillian is not so Woo.
Robin: It was not like a Woo. Perhaps it is that holidays like Mardi Gras and the day of the year. Maybe this is a cyclical Woo. At the apartment, Ted shows his drawing to Barney.
Ted: Okay, be cool with me. This is a first draft.
Barney: Ted, it's incredible. Detail. Shadows. The liveliness of the lines. This is exactly what Princess Leia would look like, topless.
Ted: My way of saying thank you. Okay, you wanna see my designs for the building?
Barney: No, that's fine. Marshall enters the apartment.
Marshall: Listen to this. Lily sent me a text message. It was at this bar, The Giddy Ups with full of Woos. Barney runs out. The bar "Gippy Ups...
Jillian: My God, girls, my breast just out of my top bar. And no! I took it out for a drink blackjack!
All: Wooo!
Robin: So, Jillian, it seems that when you not flash the bartenders, you are mistress of CE1. How is it?
Jillian: If rewarding. I dunno if you know the RIE method, but it derives from the philosophy of progressive education Steiner founded the Waldorf school, which is... Oh my God, I love this song! Come on bitches, let's dance!
All: Wooo!
Jillian: You too, my ****** s.
Lily: No thank you... drag ignorant.
Barney: Lily Aldrin, little secretive. For years, I say that our gang needs a Woo, and thou hast hid me in a whole herd.
Lily: You do not need a Woo. Nobody needs it.
Barney: Attention Lily. The world badly needs the Woos. If there were not Woos, there would not Girls Gone Wild, no bachelor party girl, no pool bar in Las Vegas... all the things you hold dear would not exist.
Lily: None of this stuff...
Barney: Industry shooters memories would collapse. Just like the glitter body and that of Hummer limos. The mini cowboy hats would be worn by the little cowboys. And when "Brown Eyed Girl" happen on a jukebox, you do not hear... that silence. And "Brown Eyed Girl." But who would Woo, Lily?Who would woo? Would you? You'd... Woo?
Jillian: Who wants to name my tits?
All: Wooo!
Barney: Well you'll excuse me, I have a date with Bataille and Fontaine.
Ted (2030): The weeks that followed, I immersed myself in work. It was great to be on a project I really wanted to heart.Finally, the morning of the presentation arrived. Ted presents his project, the company Barney.
Ted: And we think this design will radiate timeless power and stability of the Goliath National Bank. Thank you, gentlemen.
Ted (2030): I came out pretty confident about my chances.That evening I met Barney. Barney is sitting on the steps of a building.
Ted: Hey, Barney! Give me the good news.
Barney: You did not have.
Ted: What?
Barney: The Board... Sven decided to choose.
Woman (in a limo): Wooo! In McClaren's...
Ted: I can not believe I had not. I thought I had hit the nail. Why did they choose Sven?
Barney: I've done everything to change their minds. But they did not budge. I'm sorry.
Ted: It's really bad. After the way the last few months have passed... I guess I'd need more than I thought.
Marshall: You want to go to the current GNB building and just... I dunno, just a little pee on it?
Ted: I think I need it.
Barney: Finish Your Beer. Fill the machine. They leave when Robin arrives.
Robin: It's been what?
Lily: Ted did not get the job. But this is not the biggest disappointment of the day.
Robin: What?
Lily: You were seen to Woo.
Robin: Given that, do Woo?
Lily: You who did Woo?
Robin: I have not done Woo.
Lily: Oh, yes.
Robin: That's not true.
Lily: Your nose is growing. You've become best friends with Jillian now?
Robin: It's just... You're married, I'm still single. Whenever I'm with you, I'm usually the 3rd wheel. Sometimes it's nice to go out with other singles and doing stuff you do not.
Lily: Like what?
Robin: As to Woo, Lily. As to Woo.
Lily: I can Woo.
Robin: That's not true.
Lily: But if.
Robin: It's not you, that.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Marshall is in his office when Bilson from the corridor.
Marshall: Bilson? I just wanna say, I know that you chose Sven, but... Ted Mosby is extremely talented, and... he would have made a hell of a job.
Bilson: Yes. I voted for him. Barney is in the meeting room.
Barney: It's okay. All withdrawals at ATMs are free.
Marshall: Teleconference. Now. Barney leaves the room and climbed onto the roof with Marshall.
Marshall: You wanna tell me something?
Barney: Good grief. I told Heather to put everything back as it was on your desk.
Marshall: Bilson told me he wanted to give the job to Ted.What has happened?
Barney: Okay. Flashback Ted presents his project. Ted:... will radiate power and stability of the Goliath National Bank. Thank you, gentlemen. Ted leaves the room.
Barney: So?
Bilson: It was great. I like it.
Barney: It looks like we had our man. I not think there need to see...
Man: I'm Sven Jorgensen. With me, there's Pilsen and Sven Sven Johanssen, and it is... Sven! You are the Goliath National Bank. You are at the forefront. You are new and fresh.Women want to be with you, men want to hurt you, but the fool who dares challenge you will be crushed! Your home office will show the world these facts. And one more thing... Do not look now! (It shows a dinosaur) Who is Barney Stinson, the head of the Research Committee?
Barney: Oh, my God. It's me!
Sven: You, Barney Stinson, are a man of power and virility.Your office will be here in the head of Tyrannosaurus.
Barney: I've never known so far, but I've always wanted.
Sven: On your desktop rosewood Honduras, there is this button.
Barney: What does this button?
Sven: Press! Press for the glory! Barney supports and fire proceeds from the mouth of the dinosaur.
Barney: It's building the coolest of the universe. It could not be more awesome.
Sven: There is a striptease club in the letter "N". End flashback
Marshall: What is your problem? This is the big break of Ted!You have betrayed to work in the brain of a Tyrannosaurus, which, incidentally, if you knew the dinosaurs is very, very small.
Barney: It's not my office. The building was well Ted. That of Sven was better. And I will not let the fact that I am the best friend of Ted influence business.
Marshall: You have not chosen one of Sven because he was better. You wanted an office dinosaur.
Barney: It's a lie! I chose it because it... He breathes fire, Marshall.
Marshall: "Fire Marshall".
Barney: I have not even paid attention.
Marshall: How could you do that to Ted after all that happened with Stella? You are an egoist.
Barney: I never made a career choice by selfishness. I am a professional. Go. Spend a good day, drunk, and throw the bodies of the pigeons.
Marshall: No. For two reasons. A, pigeons are smarter than you think. They are resentful. And two, it's our last conference call, Mr. Stinson. There are repercussions to ride a friend.
Barney: Like what?
Marshall: Because, that. It removes the extinguisher that held the door and closes it, leaving Barney alone on the roof. Several pigeons land on the edge of the roof. Back at the Bar "Gippy Ups"...
Jillian: My God, girls. Yesterday, we collected $ 10 000 for my charity that fights illiteracy children. It's a real problem.
Robin: Someone won a trip buttocks until the first dance floor of the canyon of spanking!
All: Wooo!
Lily: Wooo!
Robin: What are you doing here?
Lily: The same things are funny as singles.
Robin: That's what the fireman's helmet?
Lily: I had no cowboy hat, and it was the day of fire safety at school... My God, ***** s. This is our theme.
Robin: Really? Who sings that?
Lily: LL Cool J stuff always comes out? Barney is still on the roof but Sven had joined him.
Barney: That's great, Sven. You are so much cooler than Marshall. He has not even mix. Who wants a foam?
Sven: I do not understand. Where is the call?
Barney: It's the call. Got it? In America, when we work late, you lie on a conference call, and here we ascend a few beers. It's great.
Sven: It's a waste of time. Pumps! The "Gippy Ups"...
Jillian: Misty, you're a real slut. We get another shot.
All: Wooo!
Misty: It's you, the slut, drag. It is you who pays.
All: Wooo!
Woman: No, ***** s, it is you who pays. You're too p *** a.
All: Wooo!
Lily: You are a bunch of prostitutes. You must have STDs.
Jillian: Come and dance.
Robin: Lily, it does not work. You should not be there.
Lily: I get it. Because I am happily married, I'm a schmuck?
Robin: On the contrary. Why do you think the Woo Woos have to when they win a drinking game? Or when a guy takes off his gun t-shirt? Because that's all that life brings. These are...People really sad. And when she go out with someone who has it all, someone like you, it's disappointing. It takes them Woo.
Lily: You say that to make me feel not like an old married.
Robin: Look at those girls. Look at them and listen to what they mean Woo.
Woman: Wooo! ("I cry in the shower!")
Misty: Wooo! ("I've never had a second date!")
Jillian: Wooo! ("And if I was ever mother?")
Woman 2: Wooo! ("I'm secretly in love with Jillian!")
Ted: Wooo! ("My career and my love life going nowhere!")
Lily: The poor girls... and Ted. I want to give them a hug.
Robin: Right now I am like them. I have no job, no boyfriend, I'm confused. So... occasionally, I need to Woo, but when I need to talk about something concrete, it is to you I turn. You're my best friend.
Lily: And you, mine. And I promise to dedicate ourselves more time. Marshall did not need to paste something from being done.
Marshall: You have tested those purple shots in test tubes? I took five. I believe that there is no alcohol in it.
Lily: Where did you get that hat?
Marshall: What hat?
Barney: It turned Sven.
Ted: What?
Barney: Those guys were morons. Of course, they had cool ideas... really cool ideas. In fact, I wonder if it's not too late...The fact is: you have the job.
Ted: Really?
Barney: The committee realized he had erred. In addition, you are precious to them and they want you to be happy.
Ted: It's weird.
Barney: Your plans were the best and you deserve it. You should know one thing that you did not get the job early. You see, Ted...
Marshall: It was Bilson. Bilson wanted to have a head office in the dinosaur, Barney convinced him that it was really, really stupid.
Barney: You know...
Ted: Thank you, Barney. I believe it. I brought in my box the largest contract that she had. Wooo! ("Now, only my love life is a disaster!") The next is for me.
Barney: Why you helped me?
Marshall: You did the right thing. You got a well deserved boost. And then it would have disappointed Ted, and it is finally... very happy for the moment.
Barney: You are truly the best friend Ted. And me too. Tie.Thank you, Marshall.
Ted (2030): Marshall eventually cracked and confessed the truth about Barney, like, ten minutes later, so much so that Uncle Barney attached to a mechanical bull, set to position "Mixed Paint" and it returned.
Ted: I love you, man.
Barney: Me too, buddy.
Ted: You mount the bull?
Barney: No, even if you pay me. I have an inner ear problem.
Ted (2030): It was a rather brilliant night. Hours later, the "Gippy Ups"... A man stands Barney's mechanical bull.
Man: three hours. This is the record of the bar. He falls down and the bull.
Barney: That's right, girls.
Woman: You know what would be really crazy, funny and stupid to do tonight? If you and I, we found a guy to do it for three.
Jillian: Maybe... If we find the right guy. Barney tries to see the two young women, but falls.
Woman: Yes, and... if there is not the right guy, both could just...
Jillian: You know who is more cute? This guy, Ted. Come and get it. | Plan: A: A depressed Robin; Q: Who joins the Woo Girls? A: the "Woo Girls; Q: What is the name of the group of single party girls that Robin joins? A: Barney; Q: Who receives a submission for design of the new company headquarters? A: design; Q: What does Ted submit to Barney for the new company headquarters? Summary: A depressed Robin joins a group of overindulging single party girls known as the "Woo Girls." Meanwhile, Barney receives a submission for design of the new company headquarters from Ted. |
THE KING'S DEMONS
BY: TERENCE DUDLEY
Part One
First Air Date: 15 March 1983
Running time: 24:48
[SCENE_BREAK]
JOHN: Enough!
JOHN: This is a poor welcome, my lord.
RANULF: But sire
JOHN: Hear us. We have come to ask but a pittance. Three marks per knight's fee. You obstruct the Crusade, my lord, with your parsimony.
RANULF: But your Majesty already has my whole fortune willingly given but six month's since. There is no more. My coffers are empty.
JOHN: Your words are more generous than your purse, Lord Ranulf. If you speak truth, if we have your whole fortune, you insult us.
GILLES: You insult the King.
RANULF: Your Majesty, I
GILLES: You insult the King.
GILLES: Are you so craven?
HUGH: My father is of ill-health, Sir Gilles.
ISABELLA: Hugh!
HUGH: I pick up your gage.
RANULF: I beg your Majesty. Take my lands, my goods, my chattels, even the robes I stand in, but spare me my surviving son.
HUGH: Father, do not dishonour me.
RANULF: My son, your Majesty.
JOHN: We shall see, my lord, if your fealty is as slender as your fortune. Your son shall meet our champion on the morrow. We shall retire and dream sweet dreams. We bid you goodnight.
RANULF: Goodnight, sire.
[SCENE_BREAK]
SOLDIER: Make way for the King.
JOHN: Ah, friends, friends, calm yourselves. There's no cause for alarm.
[SCENE_BREAK]
TURLOUGH: Planet Earth.
DOCTOR: So it seems.
TURLOUGH: You didn't set the coordinates for here by any chance?
DOCTOR: No.
TEGAN: When is it?
DOCTOR: March the fourth, 1215.
TEGAN: Is it England?
DOCTOR: Yes, it is.
TEGAN: Could this be a Black Guardian trap?
DOCTOR: I don't think so, but something certainly isn't right.
TEGAN: You're not going out there?
DOCTOR: Just for a moment.
TEGAN: That man looks distinctly unfriendly.
DOCTOR: So he does.
[SCENE_BREAK]
GILLES: My liege, I have no need of aid from Lucifer.
DOCTOR: Lucifer?
TEGAN: Is that the King?
DOCTOR: Without a doubt.
JOHN: Damn you cringing caitiffs. We tell you there's naught to fear. Do our demons come to visit us? Bid them attend us.
DOCTOR: Demons? Very odd indeed.
TEGAN: Makes a nice change for you not to take everything in your stride, I must say.
DOCTOR: Must you?
TEGAN: Too right.
DOCTOR: He even seems pleased to see us. A king welcoming demons.
TEGAN: Which king?
DOCTOR: Oh, Tegan. 1215? King John, of course.
TEGAN: The one who lost something in the Wash?
DOCTOR: Well, you could put it like that. This particular shirt turned out to be the Crown Jewels, but that's next year. We're still three months away from Magna Carta.
JOHN: Welcome, our demons. Name yourselves. Can this be Lilith?
DOCTOR: Her name is Tegan, your Majesty. This is Turlough, and I am the Doctor. We are not demons.
JOHN: You're too modest, Lord Doctor. Come, rejoice with us in a trial by combat. Come, make way for our demons. Let them be seated by us.
RANULF: Sire!
DOCTOR: Your Majesty, if I may make so bold.
JOHN: Hold! Lord Doctor?
DOCTOR: If this is trial by combat, your Majesty, there's clearly a victor and a vanquished. Must blood be shed?
JOHN: We take your counsel, O demon. Spare him.
HUGH: Come, sir, despatch.
[SCENE_BREAK]
HUGH: I am dishonoured.
DOCTOR: You are alive, my friend.
HUGH: No friend to you.
RANULF: Heed him not, whoever you are. I am grateful. You are welcome at Fitzwilliam Castle.
DOCTOR: Thank you.
RANULF: Soon we shall sit at meat. Betimes you may wish to withdraw. Conduct my guests to their chamber.
[SCENE_BREAK]
TEGAN: How can they live in such cold?
DOCTOR: By eating lots of food.
[SCENE_BREAK]
DOCTOR: Thank you. Where's Turlough?
TEGAN: He stopped to look at something. Look at the size of that bed!
DOCTOR: Hmm. Another way of keeping warm.
TEGAN: What are we doing here, anyway?
DOCTOR: We were invited for a meal.
TEGAN: You know what I mean.
DOCTOR: Here, put this around you.
TEGAN: How long are you planning to stay?
DOCTOR: Do you know, it's just sunk in. March the fourth, 1215.
TEGAN: So?
DOCTOR: There's something very wrong here.
[SCENE_BREAK]
HUGH: Stand, demon.
[SCENE_BREAK]
DOCTOR: The King takes the oath today.
TEGAN: What oath?
DOCTOR: To take the cross as a Crusader. But he did that in London.
TEGAN: Who says?
DOCTOR: Your history books.
TEGAN: Perhaps they got that bit wrong.
DOCTOR: No, no, too well documented.
TEGAN: Oh, who cares?
DOCTOR: I care.
TEGAN: All I care about is getting back to the TARDIS, where it's nice and warm. No wonder they forced him to sign Magna Carta. Bet there was something in it about underheated housing.
DOCTOR: He wasn't.
TEGAN: Wasn't what?
DOCTOR: Forced into signing Magna Carta. He was as much for it as anyone.
TEGAN: Now look, Doctor, I know my history.
DOCTOR: Do you?
[SCENE_BREAK]
HUGH: I would know who or what you are.
TURLOUGH: I've told you. I'm Turlough.
HUGH: Take him.
[SCENE_BREAK]
ISABELLA: He is proud, my Lord. He will never forgive you.
RANULF: And you?
ISABELLA: With all my heart. But he is your son. He is as proud as you.
RANULF: Time heals. But at the present, my concern is for the King. Why is he so changed? And who are these beings he calls demons?
GILLES: My Lord.
RANULF: What now?
GILLES: I must ask the Lady Isabella to accompany me.
RANULF: To what end?
GILLES: Your lady is to be held in custody.
RANULF: What!
GILLES: To be held in custody against your continued good behaviour toward our sovereign lord, the Kind.
RANULF: On whose authority.
GILLES: Of that of the King.
RANULF: The King is a guest in my house. He would not use me thus.
GILLES: He would and does, my Lord.
RANULF: We shall see.
GILLES: Be not rash, my Lord. The King is resting. He sends word to not preserve pitchers. A new cider will be provided when he dines.
RANULF: You dare to
ISABELLA: Be not provoked, my Lord. The King shall lack no comfort while within these walls.
GILLES: My Lady.
[SCENE_BREAK]
HUGH: Speak.
TURLOUGH: I've nothing to hide. I'll tell you anything you want to know.
HUGH: But you speak nothing but madness.
TURLOUGH: I've told you who I am and where I come from. What more do you want?
HUGH: Are you the King's man like my father?
TURLOUGH: I am nobody's man.
HUGH: Then what do you here?
TURLOUGH: I came with the Doctor.
HUGH: And what is this Doctor's purpose?
TURLOUGH: I don't know.
HUGH: Well, perhaps I can loosen your tongue.
TURLOUGH: There really is no need for any of this.
HUGH: Fill her!
HUGH: Hold.
HUGH: Mother!
GILLES: Seize them!
GILLES: Twice in one day. It is most embarrassing.
HUGH: You'd best kill me now, for if you do not, I will most assuredly kill you.
GILLES: Why is youth given to such extravagance?
GILLES: It appears, my Lady, you will not be without companionship. Secure them! And then we will examine this demon's blue engine.
[SCENE_BREAK]
TEGAN: Are you saying King John was a good man?
DOCTOR: Well, given the times he lives in, yes. But don't take my word for it. You'll be able to judge for yourself. Nobody forced Magna Carta from him. He could have crushed that rebellion as easily as that.
RANULF: What have you demons made of the King? He is bewitched. First he takes my whole fortune, and now he has made my lady a hostage. How can he question my loyalty? There is none more loyal than I.
DOCTOR: We are not demons and we've done no harm to the King, or to anyone. Nor do we intend any.
RANULF: Whence come you?
DOCTOR: From an outer province.
RANULF: And this strange attire?
DOCTOR: Yes, well. Please believe that we are friends. If you're in trouble, I would like to help if I can.
RANULF: Leave us, and fetch warm vestments.
RANULF: You were three.
DOCTOR: Yes, yes, we seem to have mislaid Turlough. How long has the King been here?
RANULF: Since yesterday. He is not himself. He's not as I know him.
DOCTOR: Well, could he be ill?
RANULF: In rude health. He rode from London yesterday, and then to a stag hunt to bring down the only kill.
DOCTOR: This Sir Gilles.
RANULF: I like not this man.
DOCTOR: Well, I can't say I care for him much myself. A French knight. Is he the only Frenchman with the King?
RANULF: I know not. He has never favoured Frenchmen before this, even renegades from the King of France.
DOCTOR: Could Sir Gilles be bringing some pressure, some influence on the King?
RANULF: The King is influenced by none. The King I know is resolute and firm of purpose.
DOCTOR: When does he return to London?
RANULF: I know not, and no word from the city. My cousin was summoned there by the King a week since, and he's not returned. Why? And why no word concerning him?
DOCTOR: Your cousin was summoned to London?
RANULF: Aye, to take the Crusader's oath.
DOCTOR: Today, March the fourth.
RANULF: What say you, my Lord Doctor?
DOCTOR: What if your guest was not the King?
RANULF: Not the King? Then who?
DOCTOR: An imposter.
RANULF: I have known and served my sovereign lord for many years. No imposter could be so like.
DOCTOR: Be vigilant, my Lord. I suspect things are not what they seem.
RANULF: You are a sorcerer.
DOCTOR: No, no, and I ask you to trust me, please.
TEGAN: You can trust us.
RANULF: You will join my household at meat.
DOCTOR: Thank you, we would be delighted.
RANULF: When it pleases you.
DOCTOR: Warmer?
TEGAN: Yes. Shouldn't we find out what's happened to Turlough?
DOCTOR: We will.
TEGAN: I don't feel safe here.
DOCTOR: A while longer, then we'll go.
[SCENE_BREAK]
GILLES: Name yourself, Sir Knight.
GEOFFREY: Geoffrey de Lacy, cousin to Ranulf Fitzwilliam. And your name?
GILLES: Gilles Estram, King's Champion.
GEOFFREY: Why then are you not with the King?
GILLES: I am.
GEOFFREY: How can that be, since the King is in London?
GILLES: Non, the King is here.
GEOFFREY: Borne on eagle's wings? I left the King in the Tower this morning.
GILLES: You lie! Take him.
[SCENE_BREAK]
JOHN: Our demons, welcome.
JOHN: Come join us.
DOCTOR: (quietly) Trust me.
TEGAN: (quietly) What about Turlough?
DOCTOR: (quietly) Stop fussing.
[SCENE_BREAK]
ISABELLA: Can you not help us?
TURLOUGH: I wish I could.
HUGH: Can you not call on Hell?
TURLOUGH: I could, but then so could you, with a better chance of success, I fancy.
TURLOUGH: I do hope they've found a better use for it.
ISABELLA: A better use?
[SCENE_BREAK]
DOCTOR: If he's not the King, who is he and why?
TEGAN: Do you seriously expect me to answer that?
DOCTOR: Why didn't he react like everybody else? Why wasn't he scared? And why are we his demons?
TEGAN: Could he be the Devil? I only said could.
JOHN: The lutes. Let us have the lutes.
JOHN: We sing in praise of total war, against the Saracen we abhor. To free the tomb of Christ our lord, we'll put the known world to the sword. There is no glory greater than to serve with gold the Son of Man. No riches here on Earth shall see, no scutage in eternity.
GILLES: And now, sire, for some additional entertainment.
JOHN: Bravo, our champion. And who is to delight in her embrace?
RANULF: Geoffrey! Sire, this is my cousin Geoffrey de Lacy, a loyal knight. You summoned him to London but a week since to take the Crusader's oath.
JOHN: So we did, indeed we did. And he has seen fit to disobey that summons.
GEOFFREY: Not so. I left your Majesty in London four hours since. You must remember.
JOHN: Must?
GILLES: You lie. The King has been here since yesterday. Now let the maiden reward such mendacity. Prepare her.
RANULF: Sire, be merciful, I beg you.
GILLES: Your cousin is guilty of lèse majesté, my Lord.
DOCTOR: Your Majesty.
JOHN: What? Our demon, you too would beg for mercy.
DOCTOR: Oh, indeed no, sire, but surely such a fate is too mild. Would not boiling in oil be a more fitting end?
JOHN: Ha! It must be a decade, our champion, since we boiled in oil. We accept your counsel, O demon.
DOCTOR: I thank your Majesty, but I was not suggesting alternative retribution. My interruption was provoked by shock.
JOHN: Shock?
DOCTOR: Yes, I was quite shocked at Sir Gilles' monstrous lack of good taste.
GILLES: Who dares to question my good taste?
DOCTOR: In my view, it is the worst possible taste to even think about following the King's quite remarkable performance. One just can't follow that.
GILLES: I am insulted!
TEGAN: Are you mad?
RANULF: He is said to be the best swordsman in France.
DOCTOR: Fortunately, we are in England. May I?
DOCTOR: Thank you. I hope I don't disgrace it. In case of accidents
TEGAN: Doctor, don't do it.
DOCTOR: In case of accidents, find Turlough.
JOHN: Well, our Champion and our demon. Have a care, Sir Gilles. Has our demon mortal life to lose?
GILLES: I fear no hellhound.
JOHN: Then set to.
JOHN: Bravo, our demon.
DOCTOR: You escaped from Xeriphas.
MASTER: Oh, my dear Doctor, you have been naive. | Plan: A: the Tardis; Q: What does the Doctor land in 1215 England? A: a jousting tournament; Q: What is the Doctor in the middle of when he lands at the Castle of Ranulf Fitzwilliam? A: a demon; Q: What is the king calling the Doctor? A: the main cast; Q: What is the first thing you should see if you are watching this episode for the first time? A: the plot; Q: What will the main cast give away if you watch the episode before the end? Summary: The Doctor lands the Tardis in 1215 England at the Castle of Ranulf Fitzwilliam in the middle of a jousting tournament and the Doctor is immediately hailed as a demon by the king. The Doctor finds this very suspicious. SPOILER ALERT: If you are watching this episode for the first time, wait until it is over to view the main cast as that will give some of the plot away. |
-[Real World]-
(Mr. Gold and Belle are in Mr. Gold's pawn shop. He takes out a small box and opens it, revealing a necklace.)
Belle: It's, uh... It's very beautiful. So, what's the occasion?
(He takes the necklace out of the box and goes to put it around her neck.)
Mr. Gold: The occasion is us. We haven't really gotten out much since Storybrooke awakened. So, I thought we should see it together.
(He finishes clasping the necklace.)
Mr. Gold: Wow...
Belle: Thank you.
(The two of them hug.)
Mr. Gold: Don't get your hopes up. The nightlife is extremely limited.
Belle: No. That's not what I meant. Thank you for... For what you're doing. For how you're changing.
(The moment is interrupted by the front bell ringing. Leroy enters.)
Leroy: Okay, Stiltskin, I want my axe.
Mr. Gold: I'm sorry, but we're closed.
Leroy: It's mine. Give it to me.
Mr. Gold: And yet, still closed.
Leroy: Just cause you possess something, don't mean it's yours. Nothing in this shop belongs to you. And you? How can you be with such a monster? Or maybe, you're just another possession, too.
Mr. Gold: How dare you?
(Mr. Gold grabs Leroy by the neck and pins him against the wall.)
Mr. Gold: You want your axe? Fine!
(He begins to strangle him.)
Belle: Rumpelstiltskin!
Mr. Gold: You can have it... Buried in your chest!
Belle: Stop! Stop! This isn't you anymore!
(Mr. Gold turns into Rumpelstiltskin.)
Rumpelstiltskin: Oh, it's me, dearie. Always has been, always will be.
(Belle wakes up from her nightmare to find herself in one of Mr. Gold's rooms. She gets out of bed and goes downstairs, discovering that it's nighttime. She goes outside and lurks around one of the basement windows. Inside, Belle sees Mr. Gold spinning straw into gold at the wheel. However, he cuts off a segment of the gold and puts it into a vial, causing a magical reaction.)
-[Fairy Tale World]-
(A human Rumpelstiltskin arrives home with a basket of wool. He calls for his family.)
Rumpelstiltskin: Milah? Bae? I'm home. Hey...
(A young Baelfire is sitting at the table, alone.)
Baelfire: Papa?
Rumpelstiltskin: Where's mum? ...Well, she probably just...lost track of time. Grab your cloak. We'll find her.
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Rumpelstiltskin enters a tavern, and finds Milah gambling and throwing back shots with a group of men. He approaches the table.)
Rumpelstiltskin: Milah. Milah. It's time to go.
Milah: Good. So, go.
Hook: Who's this?
Milah: Ah, that's no one. It's just my husband.
Hook: Oh? Well, he's a tad taller than you described.
Rumpelstiltskin: Please. You have responsibilities.
Milah: You mean like, being a man and fighting in the Ogre Wars? Other wives became honoured widows, while I became lashed to the village coward. I need a break. Run home, Rumpel. It's what you're good at.
(Baelfire emerges from behind Rumpelstiltskin.)
Baelfire: Mama?
Rumpelstiltskin: Bae... You were supposed to wait outside, son.
(Milah acquiesces and leaves with the two of them.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
(At their home, Milah lays in bed while Rumpelstiltskin makes tea.)
Rumpelstiltskin: You don't really wish I died during the Ogre Wars, do you?
Milah: I wish you'd fought. Don't you?
Rumpelstiltskin: Well, I'm alive. And I'm here - with you, with Bae.
Milah: This isn't a life. Not for me. Why can't we just leave?
Rumpelstiltskin: We've talked about that.
Milah: You don't have to be the village coward. We could start again. Go somewhere no one knows us. See the whole world, beyond this village.
Rumpelstiltskin: I know this wasn't the life you wanted, but it... It can be good. Here. At least try. If not for me, then...for Bae.
Milah: Okay. I'll try.
-[Real World]-
(Mr. Gold enters the house, where Belle is already waiting for him in the kitchen.)
Mr. Gold: Hey.
Belle: Hey. What are you doing?
Mr. Gold: I was, uh... Going to make you breakfast.
Belle: No, in... In the basement. I saw you practicing magic.
Mr. Gold: Let's have breakfast.
Belle: No, we need to talk about this.
Mr. Gold: It was just a couple of spells. Nothing to be concerned about.
Belle: Okay, then be honest with me. Why did you bring magic here?
Mr. Gold: I've told you - magic is power.
Belle: Why do you need it? Tell me.
(He says nothing.)
Belle: You don't need power, Rumpel. You need courage, to let me in.
(Belle leaves.)
-[Fairy Tale World]-
(A woman knocks on Rumpelstiltskin's door. He answers.)
Woman: Rumpelstiltskin, you need to get to the docks now!
Rumpelstiltskin: The docks? Why?
Woman: The men who came into port last week - they've taken Milah. They're setting sail. You must hurry.
[SCENE_BREAK]
(At the docks, Rumpelstiltskin boards one of the pirate ships. As he tries to climb on, he trips and falls on the deck. He looks up, and sees Captain Hook standing over him.)
Pirate: On your feet for the captain.
(Two pirates grab Rumpelstiltskin and pull him to his feet.)
Rumpelstiltskin: I... I remember you. F-From the bar.
Hook: It's always nice to make an impression. Well, where are my manners? We haven't been formally introduced. Killian Jones. Now, what are you doing aboard my ship?
Rumpelstiltskin: You have my wife.
Hook: Well, I've had many a man's wife.
Rumpelstiltskin: No. Y-You... Just... You see... We have a son, and he needs his mother.
Hook: You see, I have a ship full of men that need companionship.
Rumpelstiltskin: I-I'm begging you. Please let her go.
Hook: I'm not much for bartering. That said, I do consider myself an honourable man. A man with a code, so... If you truly want your wife back...
(Hook throws a sword in front of Rumpelstiltskin.)
Hook: All you have to do, is take her.
(Hook holds his sword against Rumpelstiltskin's neck.)
Hook: Never been in a duel before, I take it? Well, it's quite simple, really. The pointy end goes in the other guy. Go on. Pick it up.
(Rumpelstiltskin doesn't make a move to pick up the sword.)
Hook: A man unwilling to fight for what he wants, deserves what he gets.
Rumpelstiltskin: Please, sir. What am I going to tell my boy?
Hook: Try the truth - his father's a coward.
-[Real World]-
(In the mines of Storybrooke, David and the dwarves are mining for fairy dust. Henry is there with them.)
Leroy: Keep swinging, dwarves.
(Ruby enters with a basket of food.)
Ruby: They find any fairy dust yet?
Henry: No, not yet. But they will. When... When they do, we'll figure out a way to get Mary Margaret and my mom back.
Ruby: I'll be back later with lunch.
(Ruby exits. David stops and goes to put on his shirt.)
David: I hate mine dust. Leroy! If you find anything, I'll be at the Sheriff's station.
Leroy: You're taking over as Sheriff?
David: Stepping in. Until Emma gets back.
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Mr. Gold knocks on the door to Belle's room.)
Mr. Gold: Belle? Come on. At least come and eat something.
(When she doesn't answer, he lets himself in. Inside, the room is empty and the window is open.)
Mr. Gold: Belle?
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Mr. Gold arrives at Moe's flower shop with a paper in hand. He holds the piece of paper, which turns out to be a handmade missing person poster looking for Belle.)
Mr. Gold: I was wondering if you'd heard from your daughter?
Mr. French: Is this some kind of cruel joke? I wouldn't have made this flyer if I knew where she was. The only reason she's missing is because of the deal I made with you. I'd held out. I hoped she might have survived such a wicked trade.
Mr. Gold: And she has.
Mr. French: Why hasn't she come looking for me?
Mr. Gold: Oh, she did. She even made a flyer like this one.
Mr. French: Well, let me guess - you took care of it by throwing it in the trash.
Mr. Gold: I don't expect you to help me. I just want to know she's safe.
Mr. French: And now, thanks to you, neither one of us knows where she is. You're a monster, Rumpelstiltskin.
-[Fairy Tale World]-
(Rumpelstiltskin is sitting at a table in the corner of a tavern. A man with a floppy red hat enters the bar and sits at his table.)
Smee: It really is you. The Dark One, in the flesh. Or... Whatever that is.
Rumpelstiltskin: You've gone to a lot of trouble to meet me. You better hope I agree it's worth my time.
Smee: I've heard you'd been looking for something. And, as luck would have it, I'm a man who trades some hard to find objects.
(He lowers his voice to a whisper.)
Smee: Like a bean. A magic mean that can transport you between worlds.
Rumpelstiltskin: I've been told, they no longer exist in this land.
Smee: Not in this land, no. But the ships that dock here often return from far off lands with treasures they don't always understand.
Rumpelstiltskin: And yet, you do?
Smee: It's my job. As is knowing the rumours of who might pay the highest price for said treasures.
Rumpelstiltskin: And what rumours could they be?
Smee: That you were once a great coward, but that you became the Dark One to overcome that and protect the, uh, son who you lost, despite all-
(Rumpelstiltskin holds up his hand and magically constricts Smee's throat.)
Rumpelstiltskin: It's not nice to spread rumours. The bean - where is it?
(Smee wheezes out a response.)
Smee: I don't have it. But I can get it, I swear.
(Rumpelstiltskin relinquishes the hold on Smee's neck.)
Smee: You haven't heard my price.
Rumpelstiltskin: I spin straw into gold. Price shouldn't be a problem.
Smee: I don't want money. I want eternal life.
Rumpelstiltskin: Only the Dark One has life eternal. So, you want more, son. What I can do, what about youth? Spin the clock back till you're a little boy again?
Smee: Close enough. Deal.
Rumpelstiltskin: But remember - you fail to deliver, I spin the clock forward, and turn you into dust.
Smee: Thank you. Thank you.
(Smee gets up and leaves. The barmaid comes over to Rumpelstiltskin's table.)
Woman: You sure you don't want anything?
(There's a commotion on the other side of the tavern. Hook and his crew enter.)
Hook: Where's my scurvy crew?
Pirate: Ah, here we be, Captain!
Hook: Where's my beer?
Rumpelstiltskin: You know, I suddenly find myself quite thirsty.
Hook: Cheers!
-[Real World]-
(At Granny's Diner, Ruby serves Belle another iced tea. She is sitting alone in a booth.)
Belle: Thank you.
Ruby: Are you okay? That's your third iced tea this morning. Won't want to call you a cab.
Belle: No, I... I've never had it iced before. It... It's delicious.
Ruby: I haven't seen you in here before.
Belle: Well, I, uh... I've been a kept woman until recently.
Ruby: Let me guess - bad breakup?
Belle: I think I may be headed there.
Ruby: Do you have a place to stay? Any family here?
Belle: I... I'm not sure. I'm still looking. But I... I'm on my own for now.
Ruby: I can ask Granny about a room here.
Belle: Really?
(Ruby nods.)
Belle: Thanks. Uh...
Ruby: Ruby.
Belle: Belle. What I really need, though, is... Is a life. A job.
Ruby: Well, uh, what do you like to do?
Belle: I... I do love books.
Ruby: The library. It's been closed forever, but, uh, things are changing now. Maybe they need a librarian?
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Belles heads over to the library to check it out. She tries the front door, but it's locked. The windows are all covered with newspapers, or are boarded up. Belle walks around to the back on the library, where a homeless looking Smee approaches her.)
Smee: Excuse me, Miss?
Belle: Oh, you startled me.
Smee: I... I was just wondering if you had any spare change?
Belle: Oh, no. Sorry, I... I don't have any money.
Smee: What... What about a friend? Are you meeting anyone here?
Belle: Uh, no. Why?
Smee: I just wanted to make sure.
(Smee grabs Belle, covering her mouth with his hand, and then drags her off.)
-[Fairy Tale World]-
(Hook and his drunken crew have left the tavern and are walking through the streets. A disguised Rumpelstiltskin intentionally bumps into Hook's arm to get his attention.)
Hook: Hey, you. Stop! Even gutter rats have more manners than you just displayed.
Rumpelstiltskin: I-I'm so sorry, sir.
Hook: Ah... I was wrong. Not a rat at all. More... More like a crocodile.
(Hook kicks him over while his crew cheer him on.)
Hook: What's your name, crocodile?
(Rumpelstiltskin gets up and reveals his face.)
Hook: You... I remember you.
Rumpelstiltskin: Always nice to make an impression. Where are my manners? We haven't been properly introduced. Rumpelstiltskin. Or, as others know me, the Dark One.
(Hook's crew begins to back away.)
Rumpelstiltskin: Oh! I see my reputation precedes me.
Hook: It does.
Rumpelstiltskin: Good! That's going to save us time during the, uh, question and answer portion of our game.
Hook: What is it you want to know?
Rumpelstiltskin: How's Milah, of course?
Hook: Who?
Rumpelstiltskin: Only too happy to, uh, dig out the memory. But, it gets really messy.
Hook: She's dead. Died a long time ago. What is it you want?
Rumpelstiltskin: We didn't get a chance to finish our duel.
(Hook goes to draw his sword, but Rumpelstiltskin stops him.)
Rumpelstiltskin: Not now. Tomorrow at dawn. I am not a cruel man. Get your affairs in order. Also, you can spend tonight knowing, it will be your last. Maybe I am cruel. And don't think about trying to escape. Because I will find you, and I will gut your entire crew like a fish.
-[Real World]-
(Mr. Gold arrives at Mary Margaret's apartment carrying a piece of paper. David, who is the only one home, answers the door.)
Mr. Gold: May I have a word, Sheriff?
David: Uh, acting Sheriff. And I'm already late on another busy day, cleaning up the mess you made.
Mr. Gold: My apologies. That was a moment of poor judgment on my part. And it's not lost on me that I'm now here to ask for your help.
David: Well then, it shouldn't be lost on you when I say no.
Mr. Gold: Hear me out first. I'm here to report a missing person.
(He hands David the paper, which turns out to be the missing person poster.)
Mr. Gold: She left my home early this morning, her name is Belle.
David: Back in our land, you mentioned you loved someone once. Is-
Mr. Gold: Yes.
David: You also said she died.
Mr. Gold: I'd thought she had.
David: Well, why don't you just use the tracking spell you gave me to find Jefferson?
Mr. Gold: It only works if you have something the person owned. I don't.
David: How can you be sure she's gone missing and not... Run away.
Mr. Gold: I can't. Look, the townsfolk are less than sympathetic to my plight. But you... You're in the rather unique position to understand exactly what I'm going through. Will you help me?
-[Fairy Tale World]-
(Hook arrives at the designated dueling spot. Rumpelstiltskin throws a sword down in front of him.)
Rumpelstiltskin: Pick it up, dearie, and let's begin.
Hook: There's no need.
(Rumpelstiltskin appears behind him and takes Hook's sword.)
Rumpelstiltskin: Sorry, but killing a man with his own sword was just too delicious to pass up.
(Hook picks up the sword on the ground. The two begin their duel.)
Rumpelstiltskin: Ships that pass in the night. Well, at least one ship.
(The two of them continue fighting until Rumpelstiltskin gets the upper hand. Hook ends up on the ground, swordless. Rumpelstiltskin holds his sword against his throat.)
Hook: Go on. I'm ready for the sword.
Rumpelstiltskin: No... Do you know what it's like to have your wife stolen from you? To feel powerless to stop it? It feels like having your heart ripped from your chest. Actually, let me show you.
(Rumpelstiltskin magically sticks his hand through Hook's chest in an attempt to tear out his heart. However, a voice yells out to stop him. The voice turns out to be Milah.)
Milah: Stop!
Rumpelstiltskin: Milah...
-[Real World]-
(Smee has dropped off Belle to a room in an unknown location.)
Belle: Who are you? What... What do you want from me?
Smee: I'm just a man who procures hard to find objects. In this case, the object was you.
Belle: So then who put you up to this?
(Moe enters the room.)
Mr. French: Belle...
(The two hug.)
Mr. French: Oh, I've missed you, Belle.
Belle: Father...
Mr. French: I'm so sorry this is how we had to be reunited. Please understand. I had no choice.
Belle: But to kidnap me?
Mr. French: After the curse broke, I searched all over for you and discovered the Dark One still had you captive.
Belle: He wasn't holding me captive. I chose to be with him.
Mr. French: Are you saying you fell in love with him?
(She nods.)
Belle: But I fear it may be over now.
Mr. French: It must be. Promise me you no longer love him. That you will never see him again.
Belle: No, no. I'm not a child!
Mr. French: You don't understand what that man will do to you. What he's already done.
Belle: No, you don't understand. It's my life!
Mr. French: Then I don't have a choice. I'm sorry. Do it.
(Smee, again, grabs Belle.)
Belle: What? Father. Father, what... What are you doing?! Stop!
(Smee drags Belle out of the room as her father calls to her.)
Mr. French: Goodbye, Belle. I love you!
Belle: Father!
[SCENE_BREAK]
(David is questioning one of the townspeople, while Mr. Gold watches from a distance. David finishes and rejoins him.)
David: Do you remember turning a butcher into a pig?
Mr. Gold: Can't say that I do. Why?
David: Well, he does. Apparently, it was his father. I'm beginning to understand why nobody wants to help you.
Mr. Gold: W-Well has he seen Belle?
David: Afraid not.
Mr. Gold: Okay, so what's next?
David: Granny's. We can see who else you terrorized there.
Mr. Gold: Look, uh... Can I ask you a question? A-About you and Mary Margaret? H-How... How does that work?
David: Are you asking dating advice?
Mr. Gold: Course not, no.
David: Honesty. That's how we did it. Hard work, and being honest with one another.
Mr. Gold: Well, I don't lie.
David: There's a difference between literal truth, and honesty of the heart. Nothing taught me that more than this curse.
-[Fairy Tale World]-
(Rumpelstiltskin, Hook, and Milah are still in the street.)
Rumpelstiltskin: Milah...
(Rumpelstiltskin finally removes his hand from Hook's chest.)
Rumpelstiltskin: How?
Hook: Milah, you have to run.
Milah: No. I'm not leaving without you.
Rumpelstiltskin: Oh, how sweet. It appears there's more to this tale than I know. Tell it to me, Milah.
Milah: Please, don't hurt him. I can explain.
Rumpelstiltskin: Tick tock, dearie. Tick tock.
Milah: That first night, when Killian and his crew came into the tavern, he told stories about the places he'd been. And I fell in love with him. I didn't mean for it to turn out this way. I didn't know how to tell you the truth. I'm sorry.
Rumpelstiltskin: And so, here we are. You've come to save the life of your twoo wuv - the pirate. I didn't realize the power of true love before. It is impressive. I'd hate to break it up. Actually, no. I'd love to.
(He pushes his sword into the side of Hook, until Milah stops him.)
Milah: Wait. I have something you want.
Rumpelstiltskin: Well, I find that very difficult to believe.
(She pulls out Smee's red hat.)
Rumpelstiltskin: Where did you get that?
Milah: You know who I took it from. I may not know what the Dark One wants with a magic bean, but I have it.
Rumpelstiltskin: Oh, I feel a proposal coming on.
Milah: The magic bean in exchange for our lives. Deal?
Rumpelstiltskin: I want to see it first.
-[Real World]-
(David and Mr. Gold are questioning Ruby at Granny's.)
Ruby: Belle, huh? Sorry, doesn't ring a bell.
David: Ruby, listen to me. If you've come across her, you've got to tell me. I'll make sure nothing bad happens.
Ruby: Yeah, but what about him?
David: I've got him. Trust me.
Ruby: She was in earlier. She was looking for a job. I pointed her in the direction of the library.
Mr. Gold: Well, you think she went there?
Ruby: Don't know. But, when you find her, give her this. She left it in her booth.
(Ruby pulls out a sweater from under the counter.)
Mr. Gold: Well, that's mine. She didn't have anything for the cold.
Ruby: You sure you'll watch out for her?
David: Yes. Why?
Ruby: I think... I think I can find her. Lately, since things changed, I've been, uh, a little more sensitive to odors.
Mr. Gold: well, you can smell her?
Ruby: I guess it's cause of the wolf thing.
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Using the scent of the sweater, Ruby leads Mr. Gold and David to Moe's flower shop.)
David: What's wrong?
Ruby: I had her, but, uh... I lost her trail. It must be the flowers. I... I can't track her anymore. I'm sorry.
Mr. Gold: Don't be. This is her father's shop.
(The three of them enter and Moe confronts them.)
Mr. French: You again. Out! This is a private establishment - you're not welcome.
Mr. Gold: Where's Belle?
David: I won't let anything happen to her, Moe.
Ruby: We're just worried.
Mr. French: Don't be. She's safe. So you can stop looking.
Mr. Gold: Look, if I could just have the chance to talk to her.
Mr. French: You will destroy Belle like you destroy everything else. Well, I won't let that happen.
Mr. Gold: What have you done with her?
Mr. French: There's only one way to get her-
(Mr. Gold jabs him in the chest.)
Mr. Gold: What have you done with her?
Mr. French: I have to make her forget about you. No matter the cost. Even if it means she forgets me, too.
Mr. Gold: He's sending her across the town line.
(The three of them exit the shop with Moe in tow.)
David: Where are you sending Belle across? You know we have patrols on the town line to make sure no one crosses accidentally. So, how are you planning to pull it off?
(Mr. Gold lunges at Moe and pins him against the truck with his cane.)
Mr. Gold: Where? Where are you sending them across? Tell me!
David: Stop it! You're going to kill him.
(David pries Mr. Gold off of Moe. David looks down at Moe's hands, and sees that they're covered in mine dust.)
David: You've been down in the mines. The tunnels - they lead out of town.
-[Fairy Tale World]-
(Supporting Hook on her shoulder, Milah and Hook board the ship.)
Pirate: Milah, what happened?
Milah: Fetch some water. And get me that prisoner below deck, along with the goods that he carried. Now!
Pirate: Bring up the prisoner!
(Rumpelstiltskin boards the ship.)
Rumpelstiltskin: well, well. Seems like you finally found a family... You could never have with me.
Pirate: Alright, get your sorry arse up there.
(The crew drags Smee up from below deck. Milah takes the satchel from him that contains the magic bean. She takes the bean out of the bag and holds it up as evidence for Rumpelstiltskin. He goes to take it, but Milah throws the bean over to Hook, who clenches it in his hand.)
Hook: You asked to see it, and now, you have.
Milah: Do we have a deal? Can we go our separate ways?
Rumpelstiltskin: Do you mean, do I forgive you? Can I move on? Perhaps, perhaps. I can see you are twooly in love.
Milah: Thank you.
Rumpelstiltskin: Just one question.
Milah: What do you want to know?
Rumpelstiltskin: How could you leave Bae?
(Several ropes anchored along the ship begin magically coming undone.)
Rumpelstiltskin: Do you know what it's like, walking home that night-
Milah: Rumpel-
Rumpelstiltskin: Knowing I had to tell our son-
Milah: Please.
Rumpelstiltskin: That his mother was dead?
Milah: I was wrong to lie to you. I was the coward, I-
Rumpelstiltskin: You left him! You abandoned him!
Milah: And there's not a day that goes by that I don't feel sorry for that.
Rumpelstiltskin: Well, sorry isn't enough! You let him go.
Milah: I let my misery cloud my judgment.
Rumpelstiltskin: Why were you so miserable?
Milah: Because I never loved you.
(Rumpelstiltskin magically sticks his hand through Milah's chest.)
Hook: Milah!
(Hook attempts to save her, but Rumpelstiltskin uses magic to bind him to the mast. He pulls out her heart.)
Hook: No!
(Hook manages to break free from the ropes, causing one of the hooks to fall to the ground. He runs over to Milah and gently lays her down onto the deck.)
Milah: I love you.
(Rumpelstiltskin crushes Milah's heart to dust in his hand.)
Hook: You may be more powerful now, demon, but you're no lesser coward.
Rumpelstiltskin: I'll have what I came for, now.
Hook: You'll have to kill me first.
Rumpelstiltskin: I'm afraid that's not in the cards for you, sonny boy.
(Rumpelstiltskin draws his sword and slices off Hook's hand, which he thinks is still holding the magic bean.)
Rumpelstiltskin: I want you alive. Because I want you to suffer like I did.
(Rumpelstiltskin turns to go, but Hook grabs the hook on the deck and stabs Rumpelstiltskin with it. Due to his armour, no harm is done.)
Rumpelstiltskin: Killing me's going to take a lot more than that, dearie.
Hook: Even demons can be killed. I will find a way.
Rumpelstiltskin: Well, good luck living long enough.
(Rumpelstiltskin disappears in a puff of red smoke, leaving behind the hook. Hook picks it up.)
-[Real World]-
(In the mines, Smee handcuffs Belle to one of the mine carts.)
Belle: Please! Please, please stop. What are you doing?
Smee: Sending you on a little ride under the town line. Once you cross, you'll forget who you were in the other realm and who you loved.
(He hands her a flashlight.)
Smee: This, should help you find the key. I left it at the bottom of the cart. Good luck.
(Smee release the mine cart and it begins to speed down the track.)
Belle: No, wait! I'm begging you! Please don't! Don't do this! Please!
(Belle searches for the key at the bottom of the cart. She finds it, but accidentally drops it on the ground. The mine cart continues down the track until suddenly, it stops. A stream of magic produced by Mr. Gold pulls the cart back up the track until it reaches the starting point, where Mr. Gold, David, Moe, and Ruby are waiting. The handcuffs are magically broken, as well.)
Ruby: That is seriously... Wow.
Mr. Gold: Belle, are you alright?
Belle: Yeah. I, uh... I think so.
Mr. Gold: You remember who I am?
Belle: I do, Rumpelstiltskin. I... I remember.
(Mr. Gold hugs Belle, but she doesn't reciprocate.)
Mr. Gold: Belle, what's wrong?
Belle: Thank you for what you just did, but that doesn't change that you're too cowardly to be honest with me.
Mr. Gold: Well, Belle, that's just-
Mr. French: I tried to tell them that, Belle. Come with me, darling.
Belle: After what you just tried to do to me? You're no better, Father. You don't get to decide what I do or how I feel. I do. If either of you cared about me, you would've listened. I don't want to see either of you again. Ever.
[SCENE_BREAK]
(At Granny's Diner, Ruby serves Belle a plate of food.)
Ruby: This one, is a classic. The syrup, goes on the pancakes. It's, um, round things... But I kind of like it when it gets on everything.
Belle: You know, um... Thank you. I-I mean not just for this, but... For everything.
Ruby: No worries. And stay here until you're on your feet. Granny will be fine with it. Oh! I almost forgot. Someone, dropped this off for you at the front desk.
(Ruby gives Belle a small box. She opens it, revealing a key labeled 'library'.
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Belle uses the key to open the front door of the library. Inside, she briefly looks around until Mr. Gold reveals himself.)
Mr. Gold: We may sit in our library, and yet, be in all corners of the earth.
Belle: You gave me the key.
Mr. Gold: I heard of your interest, and I, uh... I made some inquiries. There's an apartment for the caretaker if you want it.
Belle: If... If this is some way to win me back after everything you-
Mr. Gold: No, that's... That's... That's not why I'm here. I came because you're right... About me. I am a coward. I have been my entire life. I tried to make up for it by collecting power, and the power became so important that I couldn't let go. Not even... And that meant losing the most important person in my life.
Belle: Your son.
Mr. Gold: Baelfire, is his name. After he left, I dedicated myself to finding him. I went down many, many paths. Until I found a curse that could take me to the land where he'd escaped.
Belle: Here.
Mr. Gold: And I found myself in this little town with only one thing left to do - wait for the curse to be broken, so that I could leave and find him.
Belle: But instead of looking for him, you... You brought magic.
Mr. Gold: Because I'm still a coward. Magic has become a crutch that I can't walk without. And, even if I could, I now know I can never leave this place.
Belle: Because, anyone who leaves, forgets the people they love. So, when you go to look for Baelfire, you won't know him.
Mr. Gold: Magic comes with a price. Belle, I have to break this new curse. That's why I was using magic. That night you saw me down in the basement... I have lost so much that I loved. I didn't want to lose you again...without you knowing everything. Goodbye, Belle.
(He goes to leave, but Belle stops him.)
Belle: Do you, uh... Have you ever had a hamburger?
Mr. Gold: Yes, of course.
Belle: Well, uh, I haven't. But I hear that Granny's makes a great one. Maybe... Maybe we could try it sometime?
Mr. Gold: I would like that.
-[Fairy Tale World]-
(Rumpelstiltskin places Hook's severed hand on his desk, on which there are several vials and a picture of Baelfire. He slowly pulls the fingers open one by one, but then realizes that the hand is empty.)
Rumpelstiltskin: No... He tricked me!
(He pushes the desk over, spilling the contents onto the floor.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Aboard his ship, Hook holds the magic bean in his hand, while the crew tosses Milah's wrapped body overboard. Smee, who is still bound and gagged, attempts to speak.)
Smee: Hey! Hey!
Hook: Allow him to speak.
(One of the pirates removes the gag and unties him.)
Smee: I want my bean.
Hook: Let me tell you how it works on my ship - I make the demands, you follow them. Bean's now mine.
Smee: You have to give me something for it.
Hook: Oh, I will. Your life. A chance to join my crew.
Smee: So, instead of the promise of eternal life, I get to scrub blood off your decks? How is that right?
Hook: Well, what if I was to tell you I was about to set sail to a land where none of us will ever grow old? Where I can discover how to get my revenge on Rumpelstiltskin.
Smee: Guess I could live with that.
Hook: Good. What's your name, sailor?
Smee: William. William Smee. Can I have my hat?
(Hook gestures to the pirate with Smee's hat, who then tosses it over.)
Hook: Well, Mr. Smee, welcome aboard.
(Hook takes the magic bean and throws it into the ocean. A giant whirlpool opens up.)
Hook: Hold on and get ready to set sail, mates. There's bumpy seas ahead!
Smee: What's the name of the place we're headed, Captain?
(Hook attaches the hook to his hand.)
Hook: Neverland.
-[Real World]-
(Mr. Gold interrogates Smee in a basement.)
Mr. Gold: You're probably wondering why I brought you here. I found this in the mines, Mr. Smee.
(He holds up the red hat.)
Smee: I am so sorry, I didn't-
Mr. Gold: I'm not interested in apologies. I'm interested in information. About the man you work for.
Smee: I'll tell you anything you want to know about Moe.
Mr. Gold: No, no. Not about Moe - your captain. Where is he?
Smee: I've never seen him in Storybrooke, I swear. For some reason, when the curse hit, it... It didn't take him.
Mr. Gold: Then, where is he?
-[Present Fairy Tale World]-
(Hook peers at the haven from a distance through a telescope. Cora joins him.)
Cora: Hello, Hook.
Hook: Hello, Cora. You told me you had something important you needed to show me.
(She holds up the vial of wardrobe dust.)
Hook: Sparkly dirt. Wonderful.
Cora: Just the remains of a magical wardrobe that can travel between worlds.
Hook: Is there enough to get us to where we need to go?
Cora: Not quite. But it's a start.
Hook: We're almost ready to set sail. What's our port of destination?
Cora: Storybrooke.
Hook: Hm, curious name. Is that where...
Cora: She is. And so is he.
Hook: Excellent. You'll be able to see your daughter, and I can skin myself a crocodile.
-[End]- | Plan: A: Mr. Gold; Q: Who must change his ways of using magic to destroy people or face the threat of Belle leaving him? A: the library; Q: Where does Belle think she can be of help? A: a search; Q: What do Mr. Gold, Ruby, and David go on to find Belle? A: the mines; Q: Where did Belle's father send her to? A: the Enchanted Forest; Q: Where did Belle live before she was kidnapped? A: flashbacks; Q: In what episode does Rumplestiltskin lose his wife to Killian Jones? A: Captain Hook; Q: Who is Killian Jones? Summary: Mr. Gold must change his ways of using magic to destroy people, or face the threat of Belle leaving him. After Belle talks to Ruby, she finds that she could be of some help to the library and sets off to see if she can work there, only to be kidnapped by her father. Mr. Gold, Ruby, and David go on a search for Belle, finding out that her father sent her into the mines so that she would cross the border of Storybrooke underground and because of that forget everything about her life in the Enchanted Forest. In flashbacks, Rumplestiltskin loses his wife to Killian Jones (Captain Hook) and his pirates. |
"The Girl in the Gator"
[SCENE_BREAK]
TEASER
(EXT. royal diner - day. AGENT SEELEY BOOTH: and DR. TEMPERANCE BRENNAN: walk out of the diner.)
BOOTH: (on the phone) Florida? Today?
BRENNAN: Is that work?
BOOTH: (to Brennan) Yeah. (He holds the door open for a a few people entering the diner - then into phone again-) Hot, fun, Miama, Florida? Or sticky, you know, swampy Florida? (to customers he just held the door for) You're welcome, God!
(An ice cream truck is heard in the background. They begin to walk down the same street as the ICE CREAM TRUCK.)
BRENNAN: What's going on in Florida?
BOOTH: (to Brennan) Wait a sec. (into phones) What flight? (The music gets louder.) Hold on a second. I can't hear you. (to the ice cream truck driver) Enough with the song already, all right?
ICE CREAM MAN: I'm doing business here. Deal with it!
BOOTH: (into phone) Hold on a second, now my pen's out of ink.
BRENNAN: Here. (she hands Booth a pen)
BOOTH: Oh, hold on. I can't hear anything.
ICE CREAM MAN: The kids love the music!
BRENNAN: Well, I don't see any kids.
ICE CREAM MAN: The music attracts them!
BOOTH: (into phone) Did you say the Everglades? Look, I can't hear anything because of this insane music!
(Booth turns around and shoots the CLOWN-SPEAKER on top of the ice cream truck. People start screaming. Brennan looks at him - mouth agape)
ICE CREAM MAN: You shot my clown!
BOOTH: Great. Flight number?
MAN: Move out of the way!!!
ICE CREAM MAN: Hey! He shot my clown!
BOOTH: (into phone) Okay, thanks! (turns to Brennan) Okay, we're all set!
BRENNAN: (still looking shocked) That was not good.
(CUT TO: EXT. EVERGLADES - day / int. BRENNAN:'S CAR - day. Brennan is talking to Booth on her cell phone while driving to the crime scene.)
BRENNAN: I thought you said you'd be down on the next flight?
BOOTH: Well, I haven't met with the shrink yet.
BRENNAN: What shrink?
BOOTH: Well, the department psychiatrist has to sign a piece of paper saying, you know that I'm not nuts before I get my gun back. So, I got an appointment tomorrow.
BRENNAN: Great. Now I have to break in this... (looks at a paper) Agent SULLY:?
BOOTH: Wait, Sully's a great guy, okay? And for your information, you never broke me in.
BRENNAN: Oh, I think that's him - Okay, I'll talk to you later.
(Brennan arrives at the scene and Agent SULLY: walks up to her.)
AGENT SULLIVAN: Doctor Brennan?
BRENNAN: Agent SULLY:?
AGENT SULLIVAN: Uh-huh. Name's Eugene.
BRENNAN: Okay, Eugene.
AGENT SULLIVAN: No, not me. I'm Sully, short for SULLY:.
BRENNAN: Well, then who's Eugene?
SHERIFF: Right here.
(Four men pull forward A DEAD ALLIGATOR)
SHERIFF: Eugene's been king of this swamp for as long as I can remember. Broke my heart to have to shoot him.
BRENNAN: Is there an actual human victim?
SULLY: Inside Eugene.
BRENNAN: He ate somebody?
SHERIFF: Damn spring breakers think it's a real kick to come down here and drink beer with the big fella'. I just chased off a bunch of 'em. And there was Eugene in the middle of the swamp gulping down somebody's arm.
SULLY: Someone from the group of kids you chased off?
SHERIFF: No. No gators don't eat fresh kill. They drown their pray. They stuff it down under water to tenderize for a few weeks before they can eat 'em.
SULLY: Okay, why don't you drag the rest of the swamp for any additional remains. I'll check Fort Lauderdale Missing Persons. (points to Brennan) You start cutting.
BRENNAN: No.
SULLY: Wh- isn't that what you do?
BRENNAN: Any potential remains are far too sensitive to be retrieved here.
SULLY: Okay. Well, where - where do you suggest?
BRENNAN: My lab at the Jeffersonian.
SULLY: The whole gator?
BRENNAN: I'll handle transport.
SHERIFF: You're gonna need a big crate.
BRENNAN: And a lot of ice.
(Brennan leans down to look at the gator.)
SULLY: Okie dokie, if you're doing this then there's a boat for sale that I'd like to check out.
BRENNAN: A boat? Booth helps.
SULLY: Cause Booth can't relax.
BRENNAN: There's something metal in here.
(Brennan retrieves a GOLDEN LOCKET from the gator's mouth. Sully and the Sheriff lean in to look at the object. Brennan pulls back defensively.)
BRENNAN: (to Sully) Don't you have a boat to buy?
ACT I
(INT. Medico Legal Lab / EXAMINATION TABLE. Angela, Hodgins, Zack & Cam examine the gator.)
ANGELA: I knew it was a gator. Brennan told me it was a gator. And yet wow!
HODGINS: Definitely confirms one thing. We have the coolest jobs ever.
ANGELA: Look at all these teeth.
(Zack walks up to Angela and the gator.)
ZACK: Step away, please. There are 80 in total. Note the conical shape.
ANGELA: "Step away, please?" Just because you have a doctorate now does not mean I won't use you as a swizzle stick.
(Cam examines the gator's stomach content.)
CAM: Animal foot... possibly a rabbit.
HODGINS: Not so lucky for either of them.
CAM: Frog.
ANGELA: Yummy!
HODGINS: Do I hear music?
(Zack leans in to listen to the music. Cam, Angela and Hodgins lean in towards the stomach. Cam pulls out a MUSIC-PLAYING FOOTBALL and turns it off.)
ANGELA: Hey, I liked that song.
(Cam pulls out something that seems to be a FOOT.)
CAM: What do you think, Zack?
ZACK: Definitely a human foot.
CAM: Lovely.
(CUT TO: EXT. DOCTOR WYATT:'S HOUSE - day. DR. GORDON WYATT is working on his barbecue outside of his house when Booth walks up to him.)
BOOTH: Doctor Wyatt?
DR. WYATT: Ah, Agent Booth, is it? Yes. Gordon, Gordon Wyatt.
BOOTH: Right. You're the shrink?
WYATT: Uh, shrink, yes, meaning psychiatrist.
BOOTH: That's great, Doc. How's about you just sign my piece of paper here and I'll get back to work.
WYATT: Uh, certainly. (Booth hands him a pen) No, no I have a pen.
BOOTH: Okay.
WYATT: Do you mind if I ask what exactly it was that you did?
BOOTH: Yeah, I shot a truck.
WYATT: Ah, full of terrorist, no doubt? Or plutonium, or fleeing felons, was it?
BOOTH: No. It was an ice cream truck.
WYATT: Do you have a good reason for firing on it?
BOOTH: Yeah, the music... it was bothering me.
WYATT: Ahhh.
BOOTH: Yeah, there was a speaker in the clown's mouth.
WYATT: Ohh.
BOOTH: Yeah, I just pulled out my gun, you know and (imitates gunshots). It was gone.
WYATT: So the FBI sent you to me, because you shot a clown?
BOOTH: Not a real clown!
WYATT: I suggest you cogitate on the underlying reasons you shot that clown while I make us some tea.
BOOTH: What? Cogitate? Tea?
(CUT TO: INT. Medico Legal Lab / Examination Table. Brennan examines the remains, while Hodgins and Cam go through the stomach contents - in depth.)
BRENNAN: The depth of these bite marks - very impressive.
HODGINS: One torn pair of jeans. One red linen blouse - size two.
CAM: And one platform wedge, made it all the way to the lower intestine.
(Angela walks onto the examination platform.)
ANGELA: Florida FBI just beamed over names of recent missing persons.
BRENNAN: We'll need dental records.
(Sully walks onto the platform.)
CAM: Sully!
SULLY: Cam, look at you! In charge of moon base alpha here.
CAM: And you're still a G-man, what happened to that restaurant you were going to open? Or was it a petting zoo?
SULLY: Well I am keeping myself open for the perfect opportunity. I tried out a beautiful boat in Florida.
BRENNAN: But he made it back to shore.
HODGINS: Victim is female, in her late teens, eliminating three of your missing persons right here.
SULLY: So, cause of death?
CAM: For the gator? We have these four 45 caliber slugs. For the girl, so far we've got the gator.
SULLY: Okie doke, well uhh... I'm gonna go grab a slice, so give me a call when you got an ID.
(Sully starts to head off the platform.)
BRENNAN: Her name's Judy Dowd.
SULLY: Shouldn't you at least look at the x-rays before deciding that?
BRENNAN: Says right here, she had surgery to repair a cleft palette at age two. (points to the remains) The bone graph is here. She was a freshman at Virginia State. Reported missing three weeks ago.
(CUT TO: INT. FBI / INTERROGATION ROOM. Sully and Brennan are interrogating MR. DOWD.)
DOWD: An alligator? Oh my god... SULLY: When did you last see your daughter, Mr. Dowd?
DOWD: The day she left with her friend... for spring break.
SULLY: Her friend... umh... Abigail Sims?
DOWD: Abby... she's a good kid. I never should have left her go.
(Brennan shows Mr. Dowd the necklace she found in the gator.)
BRENNAN: We found this among the remains.
DOWD: It was her mother's. Laney died when Judy was eleven. It's just been the two of us ever since.
SULLY: Did you get any calls from her while she was there?
DOWD: Every day.
SULLY: Any sign that she was in trouble?
DOWD: No. She sounded happy. So happy.
(CUT TO: EXT. DOCTOR WYATT'S BACKYARD - day. Wyatt and Booth are having TEA.)
BOOTH: You are 'really' English.
WYATT: Oh, I don't know. I think I've assimilated quite well. Typical American house right down to the white picket fence, truck that's the, uh what is, the heartbeat of America. But tea, tea is uh, sacrosanct. Thank you very much.
BOOTH: Me, I'm a coffee drinker. Hey listen pal -
WYATT: You know, in an effort, to understand your culture better I've been trying to embrace this very American practice of preparing meat in the garden.
BOOTH: Barbecue.
WYATT: Hmm... it's a delightful word, isn't it? Barbecue. I think it's from the Caribbean, bar-ra-bi-cue, which means some sort of sacred fire pit. You know the Latin for hearth is focus? Isn't that revealing? It's quite literally the focal point of every household. The hearth - the heart. Uh? Interesting.
BOOTH: I told the ice cream guy I was sorry, alright? I... I... even bought him a new clown head! So just sign the paper!
WYATT: Hmm... I must apologize. I gotta go off and get some ingredients for my mortar. Uhm, why don't we reschedule?
BOOTH: We can't re-sch-edule. Alright? I gotta get back to work!
WYATT: Well in that case, why not finish off preparing this area here? Could you do that? All the specifications are on the plans. You are fit for physical labour, euh? I mean, the clown didn't return fire, did it?
BOOTH: Oh well what if I said the plastic clown did fire back, eh?
WYATT: Brilliant. Now while I'm gone, what I want you to do is to consider what you were really aiming at. When you drew a bead on that unfortunate clown.
BOOTH: Hey buddy, when I aim at something... I hit it.
WYATT: Precisely. Anyway, I shan't be long Agent. It's all on the plans here. I'll be back before long Agent. See you then. Do help yourself to more tea by the way.
(CUT TO: INT. FBI / INTERROGATION ROOM. ABBY is being questioned by Sully and Brennan.)
ABBY: Like I told the police, me and Judy were just doing the usual spring break stuff. The whole night was kind of a blur until I woke up the next morning at the hotel and Judy wasn't there.
BRENNAN: She hadn't come back with you?
ABBY: I can't remember.
SULLY: So why didn't you report it to someone till later that night?
ABBY: I thought maybe she'd hooked up.
BRENNAN: Hooked up? Hooked... up? Oh... with uh, anyone in particular?
ABBY: We met so many guys, you know how it is.
SULLY: I'm guessing that she doesn't.
BRENNAN: Do you have any pictures from that night, Abby?
ABBY: No, the police took most of them.
SULLY: Wha... most of them?
ABBY: There's a couple on my personal webpage. I didn't want them showing poor Mr. Dowd. Judy would never want him seeing her like that.
BRENNAN: Like... what?
(CUT TO: INT. Medico Legal Lab / ANGELA'S OFFICE. Angela and Cam are examining something on a computer screen. Hodgins walks in.)
HODGINS: There's the spectrophotometric evaluation on Judy Dowd. No results yet on her tox screen.
CAM:No drugs, but her alcohol was sky high; 0.11. (examines the spectrophotometric evaluation) Oh dear.
ANGELA: What?
CAM: SPM reveals hidden hematomas and decomp tissue. See that shaded area here, it indicates bruising to her vaginal wall.
ANGELA: Meaning Judy was raped.
CAM: Or at the very least subjected to some extremely unpleasant college s*x.
HODGINS: One of these fine lads?
CAM: Without DNA it's the proverbial needle in a hay stack.
HODGINS: Wait, our victim was an HSB?
CAM: Excuse me?
HODGINS: Hottie Student Body dot com. It's this website that gets drunk college girls from all over the east coast to take their clothes off. (Angela and Cam stare at Hodgins.) What? I clicked on a pop-up, got caught in a pornado. What?
(CUT TO: EXT. DOCTOR WYATT:'S BACKYARD - day. Booth is working on the barbecue pit.)
WYATT: Ohhhh splendid! So's your father who taught you to read plans, was it?
BOOTH: Wrong tree doc! Dad and I were tight.
WYATT: No, it's just that earlier you said that you weren't used to drinking tea with men. Which suggests to me that you're usually pretty rigid with your assignment of gender roles.
BOOTH: What? No, no! My partner is a woman, kay? A woman who needs my help.
WYATT: But are you currently involved with anyone?
BOOTH: Just broke up with someone, okay? ME! And I ended it.
WYATT: And, euh, how long had you been involved with her? Or... him.
BOOTH: Her! Let's get that straight, okay? Her! Couple months this time.
WYATT: This time?
BOOTH: We got off... we'd gone out before. A few years ago, and euh, y'know, we, euh, I broke it up, and my ex wanted to give it another go.
WYATT: Complicated.
BOOTH: Ahhh, that's it! I shot the clown because I can't let go of the women in my life! Ah, thanks doc! Now I can go back to work, and you can sign the paper!
WYATT: Excellent theory, but quite wrong and you're out of time. Tomorrow, all right for you?
CUT TO:. INT. Medico Legal Lab / examination table. Zack is examining the remains when Cam enters the platform.)
ZACK: We found a stab wound.
CAM: Let's see it.
ZACK: It's more of a puncture, really. In here among the bite marks just below her scapula. Angela doesn't like me being her superior.
CAM: Because you're acting superior.
ZACK: Which is what a superior is.
CAM: Don't be a horse's ass, she's your friend. That's all that matters. These ridge marks inside the wound look like the threads of a screw.
ZACK: We're trying to ID the weapon.
CAM: Well at the very least it concludes that Judy didn't stumble into the swamp and feed herself to Eugene.
ZACK: That was my conclusion as well.
CAM: Okay.
(CUT TO: INT. Medico Legal Lab / ANGELA'S OFFICE. Angela and Hodgins are viewing something on the computer screen when Cam and Brennan walk in.)
CAM: And the hits keep coming; seems Judy Dowd was raped and murdered.
ANGELA: No more rough college s*x?
CAM: Now that we know it's a murder, I'm feeling a lot less charitable.
(The four of them watch a video from HSB on the computer screen.)
BRENNAN: What is all this?
HODGINS: Have a look. It was shot in Fort Lauderdale the same night Judy disappeared.
BRENNAN: Who's that?
HODGINS: He's names Monte Gold, internet king pin, inspiring Hugh Hefner.
ANGELA: Monty has made millions off of this site.
HODGINS: He also paid out a million in fines last year for filming under aged girls BRENNAN: I wonder if he knows you can't just pay a fine if you murder some one?
END ACT I ACT II
(Ext. entrance of a club - night. Some cars drive by, a few people are admitted into the club. Int. Club - Sully and Brennan walk up to MONTE GOLD, who is surrounded by young girls, and his workers LLOYD and EDDIE.)
SULLY: Monte Gold?
MONTE: Uh oh, run up some badges. Lloyd?!
LLOYD: Hi. I'm Monty's producer, Lloyd. We've got, uh, shooting permits, and signed waivers.
SULLY: You know this girl?
(Sully shows a picture of Judy Dowd.)
BRENNAN: She's on your website.
MONTE: Yeah, and a thousand more like her. Might as well ask a Chinese guy to remember a grain of rice.
SULLY: She's not a grain of rice, sport.
BRENNAN: She's dead.
MONTE: Eddie, off! Cameras off! Go away babies, shoo, let's go. What do you mean dead?
SULLY: Name's Judy Dowd, we found her in Florida, raped, murdered and fed to an alligator.
MONTE: And she's posted on my website? Lloyd, you know about this?
LLOYD: How would I know?
MONTE: Get her off! Now, Lloyd. NOW! Go!
LLOYD: Alright, alright.
MONTE: You say an alligator?
(Cut to: Int. Monty's bus - night. Lloyd is removing the pictures of Judy Dowd.)
LLOYD: We would've never posted her if we knew. Monty is insanely careful BRENNAN: Not always, from what I hear.
LLOYD: But he learns from his mistakes, now every I.D. triple check for eighteen before any girl signs the waiver.
(Monte enters the bus.)
MONTE: Idiot, you let her on my bus!
LLOYD: I didn't want to be rude, Monty.
MONTE: (to Brennan) Off the bus! Your boyfriend has no warrant.
BRENNAN: You know, anthropologically speaking you follow a very ancient tradition.
MONTE: Kay, entrepreneur?
BRENNAN: Pimp.
MONTE: Class is over. Off the bus.
(Brennan heads off the bus.)
(Cut to: Ext. Outside the club / near the bus - night. ISAAC is outside the club, handing out flyers.)
ISAAC: Here you go, follow his path, learn the word. You two, follow his path, learn the word. (Brennan walks off Monte's bus.) Oh, oh there it is! Another misguided waif tumbles from the devil's sin mobile.
BRENNAN: Excuse me?
SULLY: She's with me.
BRENNAN: Why are you winking? I'm not with... he's with me.
SULLY: This is Isaac. Isaac is with the Church of the High Calling, way down in Eldon, Kansas.
ISAAC (o.S.): Yeah, well let me tell you something. There is no distance too great to dissuade these lost young women from the grips of Monte Gold's carnal temptation.
(Brennan examines the inside of Isaac's car. A gear shifter with a tennis ball can be seen.)
BRENNAN: Looks like you plan on saving a lot of souls.
SULLY: Women like this?
(Sully shows Isaac the picture of Judy Dowd.)
ISAAC: Oh oh! Who is she? What did Monte do to her?
MONTE: Give it a rest, Isaac!
(ALAN, mid 20's, walks up to Monte.)
ALAN: Hey, hey Monte, you remember me? I'm Alan, I sent you my resume.
MONTE: Not now.
ALAN: Hey, hey, look I'm a great webmaster. I know the drill.
ISAAC: A sinner about to throw his self into Satan's hellfire.
ALAN: Shut up, freak!
(Alan pushes Isaac. Isaac falls and hits his truck. Monte grabs Alan and tosses him aside.)
MONTE: Hey, HEY! Come back and I call the cops. Get out of here, you'll never work for me, pal!
(Monte walks up to Isaac.) God even fed you today, Isaac? Okay, let's get you a sandwich. Eddie, make the preacher some food, would ya?
MONTE: (to Sully) The wingnuts come with the territory. Alright, let's quit playing games, what is it you wanna know?
SULLY: Fort Lauderdale?
MONTE: Lauderdale's Lauderdale. Partied that night, gave some willing girls their fifteen minutes of fame and headed out to Daytona for the next day's gig.
BRENNAN: Any girls ride with you?
MONTE: As much as I hate to disappoint you, fact is I'm not entertaining like I used to.
SULLY: Ah, getting too old to exploit little drunk girls.
MONTE: You've seen the videos, they exploit themselves.
(Eddie walks up to them.)
EDDIE: Ready to roll when you are Monte.
MONTE: Now they all wanna be a Hottie Body, walk into a place and the shirts fly off, making what used to be a rush... I don't know... mundane.
BRENNAN: Because you objectify them. You never see what makes them human.
MONTE: Man, you have to spend all day with her.
SULLY: Yeah, an actual woman. You oughta try it sometime.
(Lloyd walks up to them.)
LLOYD: Videos off the site. Here's a copy of the waiver.
EDDIE: You know, I think I remember this girl.
BRENNAN: You do?
EDDIE: Yeah, you remember Lloyd. We were leaving the Lauderdale gig, and you made a joke about the bouncer swapping spit with that girl.
LLOYD: That was this girl?
EDDIE: I'm pretty sure. Ah, she's hot!
LLOYD: Passed the two of them playing tonsil hockey in the doorway. That bouncer was a big dude too.
MONTE: And it's me you're harassing.
LLOYD: Let's go, Eddie.
(Cut to: Int. FBI bureau / Conference Room. Brennan and Sully are looking over Judy's waiver.)
BRENNAN: This waiver's a joke. Look at Judy's signature. (Brennan hands the copy of the waiver to Sully.) She could barely hold a pen.
(A DELIVERY MAN delivers some sandwiches and drinks. Sully unwraps a sandwich.
SULLY: Florida Bureau is going to scoop up this bouncer, and call me back.
BRENNAN: We need to get back into that bus.
SULLY:: No, we need cause for a warrant. (to the delivery guy) You tell Mario that he's still an artist.
DELIVERY MAN: Sure thing.
BRENNAN: What is that?
(Sully begins to eat his sandwich.)
SULLY: (with mouth full) Only the finest sausage and peppers on earth. Some day, I'm gonna turn it into a franchise. Wanna bite?
BRENNAN: I thought you were buying a boat.
SULLY: I am, maybe I'll start a charter service. I can serve these to the passengers, in Jamaica.
(Brennan takes a bite of the sandwich.)
BRENNAN: Good.
SULLY: Hmmm, the word is great. Or maybe I'll manage a band. They could play on the boat too.
BRENNAN: You, you don't like being an FBI agent?
SULLY: Nah, sure I do. I just don't want it to be the only thing I ever was. (They exchange glances.) You're telling me, you're just going to be a bone lady your whole life?
BRENNAN: I spent years studying anthropology.
SULLY: I got a degree, but I'm not going to let it ruin my life.
BRENNAN: I'm going back to the lab.
SULLY: Here, take one of these with you back to that spaceship. I'll call you when we get our bouncer.
(he hands her the other sandwich as she walks past him. Then - to himself, with a Jamaican accent) I can dig it man.
(Cut to: Ext. Doctor wyatt's house - night. Booth is outside Wyatt's house, waiting for him to answer the door. Wyatt opens the door.)
WYATT: Oh..
BOOTH: Hi.
WYATT: Do we have a schedule?
BOOTH: Uh, listen... I really need to get back to work, so why don't you just give me one of those clown restraining orders and sign my paper.
WYATT: Have you had an insight as to why you shot at that clown?
(Booth's cellphone rings.)
BOOTH: Yeah, you know what I have some insight. It's right here (points to his cellphone) it's my Bones calling, my partner. Right. (answers the phone) Yeah? Bones.
(Cut between Medico Legal Lab with Brennan on her cell phone and Wyatt's backyard with Booth on his cell phone.)
BRENNAN: So when are you coming back again?
BOOTH: What, aren't you playing nice with Sully?
BRENNAN: I'm just not sure how serious he is about his job.
BOOTH: Well, look, he's one of the best, all right? He just likes to keep his options open.
BRENNAN: I've noticed.
BOOTH: Listen, Bones, Sully he lost his partner about a year ago, all right. Something like that happens, you hear that clock on the inside ticking just a little bit louder. So you know what, you're in good hands. (Wyatt walks out of his house.) Here he comes, so gotta go, gotta go, gotta go.
(Booth closes his cellphone. Wyatt walks up to him. Brennan looks at her phone, and closes it.)
BOOTH: Alright, so maybe I am a little bit irritable.
WYATT: Why do you think that might be?
BOOTH: Don't they give you papers, and files, and reports? (Wyatt looks at Booth.) All right, me and my partner caught up to this serial killer named Howard Epps, and he died.
WYATT: And who's fault was that, your's or your partner's?
BOOTH: No, no, he jumped over that balcony maybe cause of her. Sometimes I think he had the right idea.
WYATT: And where were you when Mr. Epps fell?
BOOTH: Holding his arm.
WYATT: No, that was before he fell, surely.
BOOTH: What?
WYATT: Well, Mr. Epps was dangling from your arm before he fell at which point he was no longer dangling but falling. Attached to you, he was alive, no longer attached, dead.
BOOTH: I don't feel guilty about that. I mean Epps is a serial killer, tried to kill my partner and threatened my son. I was glad when he hit that pavement.
WYATT: Do you think about suicide, often?
BOOTH: Suicide? Me? (scoffs) No, no, never.
WYATT: And yet you sometimes feel that Howard Epps had the right idea about jumping off that balcony.
BOOTH: It was a joke. Okay? It was a joke.
WYATT: Yes, you do that a lot, don't you? Makes me feel such a bully for prying. (he gets up to go inside.) Well, we'll pick up on this next time.
(Cut to: Int. Medico-legal lab / Examination Area. Zack is studying the remains and Angela is helping him.)
ZACK: Increase magnification. (beat) Please. If you're ready. I don't mean to appear dictatorial.
ANGELA: I get it, Zack. (Brennan walks up behind Zack.) Hey.
BRENNAN: So what are we looking at?
ZACK: Bits of gold foil embedded deep within bite marks along the T-11 and T-12 vertebrae.
ANGELA: Jewelry?
ZACK: More likely scenario has the gator's teeth piercing Judy's stomach.
BRENNAN: Embedding whatever she last ingested into her bone.
ZACK: How would someone eat gold?
ANGELA: Not eat, drink. (Brennan looks at Angela, puzzled.) Golden Rod.
BRENNAN: Golden Rod?
ANGELA: It's this 100 proof cinnamon schnapps that we drank in college. It's infused with real gold flakes. Purely for decadent sake.
BRENNAN: How did it taste?
ANGELA: Eh, it's way worse coming up. I can tell you that.
(Int. Medico Legal Lab / Brennan's Office. Brennan is on the phone with Sully.)
BRENNAN: She could have wandered into bars we don't know about. If we can find every place that carries that stuff.
SULLY: (o.s.): I don't think we need to Doc.
(Cut to: Int FBI - Interrogation Room. Sully is on the phone with Brennan, watching the bouncer in the interrogation room.)
SULLY: We found our bouncer. Course he denies all, but his alibi just about buries him.
BRENNAN: Buries him how?
SULLY: He said he left early that night to get to his other job. Giving midnight swamp tours on his boat. Sounds like a good job actually.
BRENNAN: So, he's admitted to knowing the Everglades like the back of his hand.
SULLY: Which would not be smart if he were in fact the killer.
BRENNAN: Well, most of the killers I know aren't all that smart.
(Angela and Cam walk into Brennan's office.)
CAM: The gold flakes are definitely from the liquor we found in her system.
ANGELA: And I remembered something.
(Angela brings up one of Monte's pictures on the computer screen.)
BRENNAN: Monte and his harems, so what?
CAM: Check out the caption. All the girls love Monte's gold.
ANGELA: Now granted there are plenty of bars that carry this stuff.
BRENNAN: But this could be the probable cause, we need to search Monte's bus.
SULLY: I'll get the warrant.
(Sully closes his phone (flash to) Brennan, Angela and Cam staring at the picture on the screen.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
ACT III
(Ext. Monte's tour bus - day. Brennan and Sully get out of Sully's car and head towards the bus.)
SULLY: Bouncer's alibi checked out.
BRENNAN: So Monte's minions were most likely just trying to throw us off.
(Monte walks up to them.)
MONTE: Unbelievable, you people. What is it you want now?
SULLY: Hey, cool your jets, Hef. We just wanna check your bus.
MONTE: (points to Brennan) This is you, isn't it?
BRENNAN: Please don't point your finger at me.
MONTE: I knew the first time I saw you, here comes another feminist crusader, out to spoil some good all American fun.
(Brennan grabs his arm and twists it behind him.)
MONTE: Ow, ow! Get off! Get off!
BRENNAN: (to Sully) It was self defense. He assaulted me!
SULLY: Yes, he did.
MONTE: Crazy bitch. I'm calling my lawyer.
SULLY: Here, you can read him this.
(Sully pulls out a warrant. Monte takes it and walks away.)
SULLY: Now I just hope we find something.
(Cut to:Int. Monte's bus - day. Brennan and SULLY: are investigating the inside of the bus. Brennan opens the fridge to find bottles of Golden Rod.)
BRENNAN: There.
SULLY: It's not exactly a smoking gun. Can you prove she drank it here?
BRENNAN: I can try.
(Sully closes the fridge and looks around the bus.)
SULLY: Okay, you can only admit evidence that's in plain view, although on this bus that can be DNA on virtually any surface.
BRENNAN: That's an image. Keep your eyes open for a metal screw threaded thingy.
SULLY: A what now?
BRENNAN: Judy's stab wound was probably from a bolt of some kind right through (she approaches Sully) here. (She touches an area on his back)
SULLY: So, just inside her scapula?
BRENNAN: Yes... most laymen refer to it as a shoulder blade.
SULLY: Well, I told you I went to college. I minored in kinesiology. Although, this is the first time I've used it to impress a lady.
BRENNAN: What was your major?
SULLY: Art history. I also got a master certificate in sailing, a pilot's license, and I'm a certified EMT. There's more but I don't wanna brag.
(Brennan's cellphone rings.)
BRENNAN: Hold on. (she answers it) Hi, Hodgins.
HODGINS: (o.s.)Judy Dowd wasn't killed at the swamp where she was found.
(Cut to: Int. Medico-legal lab / Hodgin's Area. Hodgins is on the phone with Brennan.)
HODGINS: Cryptosporidium on her clothes came from saw grass, a plant that doesn't even grow in Eugene's swamp.
BRENNAN: Where does it grow?
HODGINS: Oh, pretty much every where else in the Everglades. But in terms of gator distance, there's a saw grass marsh two miles south where Alligator Alley meets State Road 29.
BRENNAN: All that from cryptosporidium?
HODGINS: Did I not mention the fresh asphalt in Judy's shoe? That intersection was just repaved about a month ago.
(Brennan watches Eddie clean the bus' windows.)
BRENNAN: Very interesting. Thanks Hodgins.
(Brennan hangs up the phone and looks at Sully.)
SULLY: What's interesting?
(Brennan simply smiles and gives a slight shrug.)
(Cut to:Exterior look of royal diner before moving to the inside. Int. Royal diner. Angela is at the diner when she is approached by Mr. Dowd.)
DOWD: Mrs. Montenegro? I'm Bill Dowd. Judy's father.
ANGELA: Oh... Hi. I'm sorry, how do you know me?
DOWD: The FBI told me that the Jeffersonian was investigating Judy's murder. I looked up your team's biographies online, and I saw your picture.
ANGELA: And you followed me here?
DOWD: I'm sorry. I know how that must look. But I just need answers. I need to know who killed my daughter.
ANGELA: I'm sorry Mr. Dowd. There's nothing I can tell you.
(Mr. Dowd takes a seat next to Angela at the counter.)
DOWD: I already know about the website and this Monte Gold son-of-a- bitch.
ANGELA: The FBI told you about that?
DOWD: Buddy from my job found the video. He thought I'd be embarrassed, but all I care about is what happened next. Did this guy kill her?
ANGELA: I really can't discuss the case.
DOWD: The way he's pawing at my girl in that video, he's gotta be a suspect.
ANGELA: At this point, Mr. Dowd, there are a lot of suspects.
DOWD: But not many like him. I mean, do you trust him? Do you think he's a good man?
ANGELA: No. No, of course not. I find him repulsive.
DOWD: Please, I just gotta know. Was it him?
ANGELA: I'm very sorry about your daughter, Mr. Dowd. There's nothing I can say.
DOWD: I understand. I shouldn't have put you on the spot. (beat) I'm sorry.
(Mr. Dowd gets up and exits the diner.)
(Cut to: Quick overview of D.C)
(Ext. Monte's bus - day. Brennan and Sully walk off of the bus. Brennan walks up to Eddie.)
BRENNAN: You lied about the bouncer, Eddie.
EDDIE: What?
BRENNAN: The bouncer in Lauderdale. You never saw him kissing Judy Dowd that night she went missing.
EDDIE: Really? I was sure it was them.
SULLY: Hey, you drive the bus too, don't cha?
EDDIE: Yeah, so?
SULLY: So, you drove out of Lauderdale, straight up the 95 to Daytona?
EDDIE: Is that what Monte said? (Sully and Brennan exchange glances.) Yeah, straight up 95.
SULLY: You sure about that?
EDDIE: No... no, that's right there was construction. We got detoured across state onto 75.
BRENNAN: Right, 75, isn't that Alligator Alley?
SULLY: Yeah. C'mon Eddie, girl is dead.
EDDIE: We didn't kill her.
(Eddie heads back towards the bus.)
BRENNAN: But she was on your bus, she had a few drinks. You have s*x with her?
EDDIE: Nope, no way. I was driving.
BRENNAN: Well, did Monte have s*x with her?
EDDIE: I guess.
BRENNAN: You guess? Was it consensual?
EDDIE: All I know is she was drunk, really drunk and when Monte was done with her, she came up by me wanting to get off the bus.
(Lloyd walks up to them.)
LLOYD: Eddie, don't say anything!
SULLY: Where were you in all this?
EDDIE: Lloyd drives in front of us, it was just me and Monte on the bus.
LLOYD: Shut up, Eddie. Monte's lawyer says we don't have to talk to anybody 'till he gets here.
SULLY: He has nothing to worry about. No one's under arrest.
BRENNAN: Why'd you let her off the bus, Eddie?
EDDIE: I didn't want to. It was really dark, she could barely stand up.
SULLY: Then Monte wanted her off?
EDDIE: He was pissed off. She was crying.
LLOYD: Eddie!
EDDIE: He was going to fire me if I didn't.
LLOYD: (to Brennan and Sully) We owe Monte a lot okay? He's been good to us. We knew that none of us killed her.
BRENNAN: Well if you let her off the bus, in the middle of nowhere in that condition, you may as well have.
LLOYD: Look, when Eddie told me where she got off the bus. I went back there to look for her. I must have driven that road for an hour. I figured, she'd hitched a ride back.
BRENNAN: You figured? (she looks to Sully) He figured.
LLOYD: Maybe Monte made a bad call and letting the girl off, but she wanted off. So he was just doing what she asked.
BRENNAN: Except for the s*x part.
LLOYD: You know what, you can't prove that.
SULLY: Ahhh... I wouldn't bet against her.
(Sully walks over to stand behind Brennan.)
SULLY: So, is Monte still in his office?
LLOYD: No, he had an appointment back at the Iguana Club up in Maryland.
BRENNAN: Okay.
(Brennan and Sully walk away)
(Cut to: Ext. Wyatt's backyard - day. Booth is working on the barbecue. He is placing the bricks. Wyatt walks up, holding COFFEE CUPS.)
WYATT: You know what, I'm in America, we're men, let's drink coffee, not tea, eh? (Wyatt examines the barbecue pit.) Oh, I say, marvelous job.
BOOTH: Thank you. (he takes a sip of the coffee) That's not coffee.
WYATT: What is it?
BOOTH: I don't know what the hell it is, but it sure as hell isn't coffee, Doc.
WYATT: You tend to do things well, don't you? Make coffee, build barbecue machines.
BOOTH: It's not really a machine.
WYATT: Solve crimes, raise a son, love women, leave women. Whatever you aim at, you hit.
BOOTH: That bad?
WYATT: By no means, no of course not, except -
BOOTH: Ohh, it's okay, here we go. Let me have it, Doc.
(Booth and Wyatt take a seat at a patio table.)
WYATT: Except it is indicative of a need to control your environment.
BOOTH: Again, I ask, is that bad?
WYATT: No, of course not, no! Except -
BOOTH: Except?!
WYATT: Except when you shoot a clown.
BOOTH: You know, you make it sound like it was walking making balloon animals.
WYATT: For the most part, your rebellions are small.
BOOTH: Rebellions?
WYATT: The colorful socks, the funky belt buckle, there a mechanism, quiet rebellions, a way of asserting your personal control over a homogenizing organization like the FBI. But shooting a clown is not a quiet rebellion. (Booth's cellphone rings.) Shooting a clown is quite literally deafening.
(Booth answers his cellphone.)
BOOTH: Booth.
BRENNAN: Hey, it's me.
BOOTH: Yeah, hold on for a second. (to Wyatt) Wait, why is it Doc that every time I answer the phone, you walk away?
WYATT: Why do you answer the phone knowing it'll make me walk away?
BOOTH: (to Brennan) Yeah, you know what Bones, I gotta call you back.
(Cut to: Int. Brennan's car. Brennan is driving while talking to Booth over the loudspeaker.)
BRENNAN: Is Sully for real?
BOOTH: What?
BRENNAN: I just can't decide whether or not to take him seriously.
BOOTH: Well is he acting unprofessional?
BRENNAN: No, he's very professional, it's just can he really do all he says he can do?
BOOTH: Oh you mean that whole master carpentry thing. Yeah, you know he made me a dining room set last year.
BRENNAN: He's a carpenter as well?
BOOTH: As well as what?
(Brennan's cellphone beeps, alerting of a call waiting.)
BRENNAN: That's Sully calling - right now. We're doing, you know, what we did.
BOOTH: Hey, you know, I'll be back soon.
BRENNAN: Okay, I'll talk to you later.
(Booth hangs out, and stands in front of the half finished barbecue pit.)
(Cut to: Ext. Iguana club - day. Brennan and SULLY: arrive at the Iguana Club to talk to Monte.)
SULLY: So, maybe Monte can tell us why he left the girl on the side of the road.
BRENNAN: Hey, there's a store front. Sausage and pepper shack?
(Brennan points to a for rent sign in a building's window.)
SULLY: That's funny. Take my lead.
BRENNAN: I know what I'm doing, didn't Booth tell you?
SULLY: Yeah, take my lead. Wait, wait, wait, that's his car.
(Sully and Brennan notice the car, with it's door ajar.)
SULLY: Monte Gold?!
(Brennan rushes around Monte's car to find Monte on the ground. Brennan checks for a pulse, and notifies Sully that he's dead with a shake of her head.)
ACT IV
(Outside of the FBI, the streets with the cars driving by.)
SULLY: (O.S.) We found him in a pool of his own blood outside his club.
Cut to: Int. FBI / Interrogation Room.. Sully is interrogating Isaac. Brennan is overseeing.)
SULLY: What's the last thing you said to Monty, Isaac? His judgment cometh, and that right soon. It's not even a Bible verse. The judgment thing, it's a line from Shawshank.
BRENNAN: Who's that?
(Sully looks surprisingly at Brennan.)
ISAAC: Vengeance is mine, sayeth the Lord. Look, if Monte's wicked deeds cost him his life, it was the work of a hand far mightier than my own.
SULLY: Where exactly have your hands been the last five hours?
ISAAC: Working on my truck, I got garage receipts to prove it.
(Isaac pulls the receipts out of his pocket. Brennan's cellphone rings. Brennan leaves the interrogation room to take the call.)
BRENNAN: Hey Angela, what's up?
(Cut to: Int. Medico Legal Lab / Angela's Office. Angela is on the phone with Brennan. Hodgins is standing in the background.)
ANGELA: Hey, I think that you might have the wrong man.
BRENNAN:What do you mean?
ANGELA: I made mistake, Brennan.
(Cut to: Int. FBI / Interrogation Room. Brennan and Sully now have Mr. Dowd in the interrogation room. Sully places an evidence bag containing a gun on the table in front of him.)
DOWD: I only wanted to scare him. I didn't go there to kill him. But what he said, three words, he only said three words in his defense... she wanted it.
BRENNAN: She didn't, Mr. Dowd. That much we do know.
SULLY: Is there anyone you want to call, sir?
DOWD: No, there isn't anybody. There was Judy, just Judy.
(Mr. Dowd breaks down and covers his face with his hands.)
(Cut to: Int. Medico Legal Lab / Forensics Platform. Brennan and Sully are looking over the remains.)
SULLY: So this is the culprit, euh? Result of your metal screw headed thingy.
BRENNAN: Zack managed to identify this bone bruise.
SULLY: Across posterior six through eight.
BRENNAN: Show off.
(Hodgins enters the platform.)
HODGINS: Okay, got my weapon list and visual aids, courtesy of Angela. Now we know the wound was caused by a blunt steel dowel with screw threads at the top. The bruising around it is the rough size and shape of a harmonica. Now theoretically, the head of the wound struck, leaving bruising but then broke.
BRENNAN: Allowing the steel dowel beneath to be driven into Judy's back.
HODGINS: So, possible weapons include shovel handle with steel shaft, a golfer's wooden putter with aluminum shaft...
SULLY: Okay... but gear shifter?
HODGINS: It's an alloy gear shifter with a grip shaped handle.
SULLY:: This doesn't look like it could cause the injury.
BRENNAN: Unless it didn't have a handle.
HODGINS: Yeah. (he heads over to the simulation computer) She might of not been killed standing up, she could have been thrown down and then impaled.
(Sully unscrews the handle of the gear shifter, taking it off.)
SULLY: Preacher man had one of these in his truck.
BRENNAN: With a tennis ball where the handle should've been, hiding the exposed threads underneath.
SULLY: And he follows Monte everywhere.
(Cut to: Ext. Roadside / Isaac's Truck - night. Sully and Brennan pull up to where other officials stopped Isaac. They find him praying on the back of his truck.)
SULLY: Don't let us interrupt you, Isaac.
ISAAC: I'm just praying for His guidance in bringing an end to this harassment.
(Sully grabs Isaac and pulls him up to his feet.)
SULLY:Well, he can't answer 'em all, can he?
BRENNAN: Where were you headed?
ISAAC: Home, if that's any of your business.
SULLY: Back to your church, huh? I gotta tell you, I wish I had of called them a little sooner about you.
ISAAC: You did this? You called them?
BRENNAN: You sure you weren't headed back to Florida? Stop along Alligator Alley, make sure you left nothing behind.
ISAAC: No, I don't even know what you're talking about.
SULLY: Well, apparently, your Church kicked your hypocritical ass out last year. Something about you hitting on young female parishioners.
(Brennan opens the door to Isaac's truck.)
ISAAC: Who.. Who told you this, huh? (to Brennan) Hey, you can't get in there!
(Brennan retrieves a tennis ball.)
BRENNAN: Tennis ball for a gear shifter.
(Sully slams Isaac into his truck. Brennan tests the gear shifter for blood. The gear shifter glows bright purple.)
SULLY: Turn around Isaac!
(Sully turns Isaac around and cuffs him.)
ISAAC: Alright. Forgive them Lord, for they not know what they do.
(Sully turns Isaac again to face him.)
SULLY: Yeah, what we do know is that Judy Dowd was left drunk and stumbling on Route 75.
BRENNAN: And you following Monte's bus, pulled over to give her a ride.
SULLY: Not a free one apparently.
ISAAC: No, no that's a lie. I never even saw her.
BRENNAN: Oh so this isn't her blood, here? This is someone's blood.
SULLY: How many of Monte's castoffs have you been with Isaac? Girls too drunk to know, before you picked up Judy.
BRENNAN: You went for it, she rejected you, next thing you know she's impaled on the shifter.
ISAAC: I may have picked her up, but if I laid a hand it was to heal and to ask His redemption upon her SULLY: Oh man, you are shameless.
ISAAC: She was drunk. She went crazy, pushed me away, and fell back. It was an accident, it was the devil's work.
BRENNAN: No, that was the part where you fed her to an alligator.
(Cut to: Int. FBI/ Interrogation Room. Brennan and Sully are overlooking Isaac through the window of the interrogation room.)
BRENNAN: There should be a sense of satisfaction after solving a case but most of the time I feel drained.
SULLY: Yeah, that's why you can only do this job for so long. Murders, death, corpses, you do that your whole life, there's gotta be more, y'know?
BRENNAN: The sausage and pepper sandwich.
SULLY: You got admit it was good! So what do you and Booth usually do now? Is there a bar you got to, a restaurant, pilates class?
BRENNAN: There's a diner. Booth says the pie is the best.
SULLY: Can I buy you a slice?
BRENNAN: (beat) Sure.
SULLY: I guess, we're not working together anymore.
BRENNAN: Yes.
SULLY: And since we have no professional obligations to each other, I can ask you out? Theoretically.
BRENNAN: Theoretically.
SULLY: Perhaps after a twenty-four hour waiting period.
BRENNAN: Why?
SULLY: So the brain can adjust to alternate perceptions of each other.
BRENNAN: I actually don't need it. My brain adjusts quite quickly.
(Brennan walks away, Sully follows)
(Cut to: Ext. Wyatt's Backyard - night. Booth is finishing up the barbecue. Wyatt walks out.)
WYATT: Oh my good lord.
(Booth is lighting the barbecue.)
BOOTH: That's right.
WYATT: How many bricks did you use in the end?
BOOTH: Yep you know, one hundred and eighty. Right so you can go sign away.
(Booth hands Wyatt the paper for him to sign.)
WYATT: What are those?
BOOTH: Oh those are two beautiful prime rib-eye steaks. Being the barbecue master that I am, I thought I'd show you how to barbecue, Doc.
WYATT: Oh but I don't want to be shown, I want to learn trial and error.
BOOTH: No, no no.. Doc, listen it's better to learn off hamburgers, or sausages. You know those puppies cost fifty bucks a pop.
WYATT: You know, according to the FBI reports there was no way you could save Epps' life. Your partner's report says the same thing. An FBI snipe from the opposite roof saw everything through his scope. According to all witnesses you have nothing to feel guilty about.
BOOTH: Yeah, so?
WYATT: So, why, in a fit of pique did you endanger innocent people in a public thoroughfare by discharging your firearm?
(Booth closes the barbecue cover.)
BOOTH: I'm a good shot. I didn't put anybody in danger.
WYATT: Your file shows your a military sniper. How many people have you killed?
BOOTH: Lost count.
WYATT: Oh, you can remember a hundred and eighty bricks, but not how many lives you've taken?
BOOTH: Epps makes fifty WYATT: Fifty what?
BOOTH: Fifty kills.
WYATT: But Agent Booth you didn't kill Epps. You tried to save him, remember? Or perhaps I better put it as a question, did Howard Epps slip from your grasp or did you release him? (Booth flashbacks to Epps's death.) Oh come now man, it's a simple enough question. Was he indeed your fiftieth kill or did you just happen to be there when he died?
BOOTH: (flustered) I don't know.
WYATT: A man like you in control of every situation and you don't know?
BOOTH: (shaking his head) I don't know. I had him, and then I lost him, and then something happened in between. I don't know.
WYATT: I believe you, because for a man like you to admit that you don't know, to relinquish control. That could indeed argue a disruption in your self-view that was large enough to motivate you to shoot a clown. (Wyatt takes a seat to sign the papers.) You know, I think we've made marvelous progress. This is a close where we can certainly begin.
(Wyatt is about to sign the papers when he looks to Booth.)
WYATT: You know what, I've changed my mind. I would love you to cook those steaks. (he signs the release paper and hands it to Booth.)
BOOTH: I can do that.
WYATT: Medium-rare please, Mr. G-man.
BOOTH: I can do that.
(Booth begins to the cook the steaks, looking unsatisfied with the signed paper.)
END. | Plan: A: Booth; Q: Who is ordered to see a psychiatrist? A: a psychiatrist (guest star Stephen Fry; Q: Who does Booth go see after he discharges his firearm? A: an ice cream truck; Q: What was the clown on the top of that Booth shot? A: Brennan; Q: Who is paired with Agent Tim Sullivan to investigate the murder of a college student? A: the Everglades; Q: Where is the murder of a college student? A: their mutual interest; Q: What do Sullivan and Brennan express to each other? Summary: When Booth is ordered to go see a psychiatrist (guest star Stephen Fry ) after irrationally discharging his firearm (at the clown on the top of an ice cream truck), Brennan is paired up with Agent Tim Sullivan to investigate the apparent murder of a college student in the Everglades, and by the time the case is solved Sullivan and Brennan express their mutual interest in each other. |
Prologue: In every generation there is a Chosen One. She alone will stand against the vampires, the demons and the forces of darkness. She is the Slayer. The Master's lair. Collin is tossing stones into the pool. He takes a few more from the Master's hand. Darla comes into the lair.
Master: Zachary didn't return from the hunt last night.
Darla: The Slayer.
Master: Zachary was strong, and he was careful. And still the Slayer takes him... as she has taken so many of my family. (takes a breath) It wears thin. Collin, what would you do about it?
Collin: I'd annihilate her.
Master: (Inhales) Out of the mouths of babes...
Darla: (makes her way down) Let me do it, Master. Let me kill her for you.
Master: You have a personal interest in this.
Darla: I don't get to have any fun.
Master: I will send the Three.
Darla: The Three?
Cut to an alley. Three tough guys are lighting up cigarettes. The Three come around a corner at a steady, deliberate pace. The men see them coming and leave.
Cut to the Bronze. A cockroach is being chased along the floor.
Boy: Get it! Go get it, right there!
Girl: I got it! She holds the roach up to the bartender and drops it into his jar.
Girl: Free drink, please. The bartender nods his head and goes to get the drink.
Willow: Ah, the fumigation party.
Cut to Buffy and Willow sitting at a table.
Buffy: Hmm?
Willow: It's an annual tradition. The closing of the Bronze for a few days to nuke the cockroaches?
Buffy: (not paying attention) Oh.
Willow: It's a lot of fun... What's it like where *you* are?
Buffy: (looks up and smiles) I'm... sorry, I was just... thinking about things...
Willow: So, we're talking about a guy?
Buffy: Not exactly a guy. For us to have a conversation about a guy, there'd have to be a guy for us to have a conversation about. Is that a sentence?
Willow: (smiles) You lack a guy.
Buffy: I do. Which is fine with me, most of the time, but...
Willow: What about Angel?
Buffy: Angel? I can just see him in a relationship. 'Hi, honey, you're in grave danger. I'll see you next month.'
Willow: He's not around much, it's true.
Buffy: (looks dreamy) When he is around... it's like the lights dim everywhere else. You know how it's like that with some guys?
Willow: Oh, yeah! (looks over at Xander) Xander is on the dance floor, making a fool of himself. He dances up to a girl.
Xander: Hey, Annie! (sees her boyfriend) Dino, just leaving! He backs away and bumps into Cordelia.
Cordelia: Ouch! Please get your extreme oafishness off my two-hundred- dollar shoes!
Xander: I'm sorry, I was just...
Cordelia: ...getting off the dance floor before Annie Vega's boyfriend squashes you like a bug?
Xander: Oh, so you noticed.
Cordelia: Uh-huh.
Xander: Yeah, thanks for being so understanding.
Cordelia: Sure.
Xander: Y'know, hey, I don't know what everyone's talking about. That outfit doesn't make you look like a hooker! (laughs) He leaves the dance floor and goes over to Buffy and Willow.
Xander: Boy, that Cordelia is a regular breath of vile air. What are you vixens up to?
Willow: Just sitting here, watching our barren lives pass us by. (sees a roach) Oh, look, a cockroach. (stomps it) Buffy lifts her eyes to see and then turns them back down.
Xander: Whoa, well, let's stop this crazy whirligig of fun! I'm dizzy!
Buffy: Alright, now I'm infecting those nearest and dear to me. I'm gonna call it a night. (gets up)
Willow: Oh, don't go!
Xander: Uh, yeah! It's early! We could, um, dance!
Buffy: Rain check? Good night. (leaves) Xander lets out a breath. Willow holds her shoe up to him.
Willow: Want a free drink? Buffy makes her way out of the Bronze looking bummed. She passes the stairs. Angel is watching her go. Buffy senses something and turns to look. Angel is gone. She continues out.
Cut to the street. Buffy is walking home. She senses something and stops to look behind her. Nothing. She continues and walks past an alley. She hears a breath and stops.
Buffy: It's late, I'm tired, and I don't wanna play games. Show yourself. One of the Three roars and drops down to the sidewalk behind her. She reaches into her coat, pulls out a stake and quickly spins around to stake the vampire. Another of the Three grabs her arm as she swings.
Buffy: Wuh! The third member comes up on her other side and grabs her other arm.
Buffy: Ooo! Okay, okay, nice... They pull her into the alley and up against a fence. The first one approaches her.
Buffy: Okay, okay... Look, I really don't want to have to fight all three of you... unless I have to. She snap kicks him in the crotch, elbows the third, and tries to punch the second. He blocks her swing and thrusts his knee in to her gut, slamming her into the fence. The other two recover and grab her again. The second one slowly approaches her with death in his eyes. Buffy is terrified and struggles to get away. Opening credits roll. Buffy's theme plays. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 1 ~~~~~~~~~~ In the alley. The vampire comes up to Buffy, grabs her head and moves in to bite. Angel comes up behind him, grabs him by the hair and pulls him off of her.
Angel: Good dogs don't... (punches the vampire) ...*bite*! Buffy is surprised, but quickly regains her head. Using the support of the two vampires holding onto her arms, she kicks up with both feet and hits them both in the face with a straddle kick. One of them grabs her again and holds her against the fence. Angel continues to fight the other two, punching one and snap kicking the second. One of them pulls a piece of iron bar off of a window.
Buffy: Look out! Angel turns around, only to be sliced in the chest with the bar. Buffy shoves an open palm into her assailant's chin, pushing him off of her, punches him once in the gut and then slams both fists into his head. Angel is bent over in pain and is about to be stabbed again. Buffy quickly side kicks his attacker in the face, and he falls back away from Angel. She helps Angel up.
Buffy: Run! They come running out of the alley. The Three get up and give chase. Buffy and Angel jump over the bushes in front of her house and run onto the porch. The Three are hot on their trail. Buffy gets the front door open.
Buffy: Get in! C'mon! She rushes inside. Angel is right behind her. Buffy slams the door on one of the vampire's hands. He struggles a moment, but pulls his hand back out. She slams the door shut and locks it. The vampire looks in through the glass. Another one looks in through the window.
Angel: It's alright. A vampire can't come in unless it's invited.
Buffy: I've heard that before, but I've never put it to the test. (leans on the door, sees his wound) Oh... I'll go get some bandages, just... take your jacket and your shirt off. She heads into the kitchen. Angel looks out the window one last time and follows her. He takes off his jacket and his T-shirt. Buffy looks at him from behind and sees his tattoo. She brings over the first aid kit.
Buffy: Nice tattoo. (exhales) I was lucky you came along. (looks up at him) How did you happen to come along? (begins to bandage him)
Angel: I live nearby. I was just out walking.
Buffy: So, you weren't following me? I just had this feeling you were.
Angel: (smiles) Why would I do that?
Buffy: You tell me. You're the mystery guy that appears out of nowhere. I'm not saying I'm not happy about it tonight, but... if you are hanging around I'd like to know why. (finishes bandaging)
Angel: Maybe I like you.
Buffy: Maybe... They smile at each other. Buffy hears the door open and quickly goes to intercept her mom. She's also worried about the Three outside. She pulls her mom into the house and closes the door.
Joyce: Hi! What are you doing?
Buffy: There's a lot of weird people outside at night... Joyce starts toward the kitchen. Buffy comes after her.
Buffy: ...I just feel better with you safe and sound inside. You must be beat.
Joyce: I am. We're a little gallery. You have no idea how much...
Buffy: Well, then why don't you go upstairs and get into bed, and I can bring you some hot tea?
Joyce: That's sweet! (suspicious) What'd you do?
Buffy: Can't a daughter just be concerned about her mother? Angel comes into the living room behind Buffy. Joyce sees him.
Joyce: Hi.
Angel: Hi.
Buffy: Oh! Okay... Um... Angel, uh, this is my mom. Mom, this is Angel. Uh, we ran into each other on the way home.
Angel: Nice to meet you.
Joyce: What do you do, Angel?
Buffy: He's a student. (her mother gives her a disbelieving look) Uh, first year community college. Angel's been helping me with my history, you know I've been toiling there.
Joyce: It's a little late for tutoring. I'm gonna go to bed, and, uh, Buffy? (starts up the stairs)
Buffy: I'll say good night and do the same! Joyce looks back down at her daughter and nods.
Joyce: (to Angel) It was nice to meet you.
Cut to Buffy at the front door holding it open.
Buffy: Good night! We'll hook up soon and do that study thing! She closes the door. Angel is still there behind it. They go up the stairs and into her room. She closes the door quietly.
Angel: Look, I don't wanna get you in any more trouble...
Buffy: And I don't wanna get you dead. They could still be out there. (moves to the center of the room) So, uh, oh... two of us, one bed. That doesn't work. (faces him) Um, why don't you take the bed? Y'know, you're wounded...
Angel: I'll take the floor.
Buffy: Uh, no, that's not...
Angel: Oh, believe me, I've had worse.
Buffy: Okay. Um, then why don't you check and see if the Fang Gang is still loitering and, um, keep your back turned while I change? Angel goes over to the window to have a look. Buffy goes to her closet and changes.
Angel: I don't see them.
Buffy: Y'know, I'm the Chosen One, it's my job to fight guys like that. What's your excuse?
Angel: Uh, somebody has to.
Buffy: Well, what does your family think of your career choice?
Angel: They're dead. She has finished changing and comes over to him.
Buffy: Was it vampires?
Angel: (faces her) I-it was.
Buffy: I'm sorry.
Angel: It was a long while ago.
Buffy: So, this is a vengeance gig for you.
Angel: (pauses) Y-you even look pretty when you go to sleep.
Buffy: Well, when I wake up it's an entirely different story. They go over to her bed. She hands him the comforter from it.
Buffy: Here. Sleep tight. He lays the comforter down on the floor next to her bed. She gets into her bed and he lies on the comforter.
Buffy: Angel?
Angel: Hmm?
Buffy: Do you snore?
Angel: I don't know. It's been a long time since anybody's been in a position to let me know. He turns his head to look at her. She smiles and settles in to sleep.
Cut to the library the next day.
Xander: He spent the night? In your room? In your bed?
Buffy: Not *in* my bed, *by* my bed.
Willow: That is so romantic! Did you, uh... I mean, did he, uh...
Buffy: (smiling) Perfect gentleman. The girls exchange smiles.
Xander: Buffy, c'mon, wake up and smell the seduction. It's the oldest trick in the book.
Buffy: What? Saving my life? Getting slashed in the ribs?
Xander: Duh! I mean, guys'll do anything to impress a girl. I-I once drank an entire gallon of Gatorade without taking a breath. (smiles)
Willow: It was pretty impressive. Although later there was an ick factor.
Giles: (coming to the table) Can we steer this riveting conversation back to the events that happened earlier in the evening? (Buffy sits down) You left the Bronze and were set upon by three unusually virile vampires. (puts a book in front of her) Did they look like this?
Buffy: Yeah. What's with the uniforms?
Giles: It seems you encountered the Three. Warrior vampires, very proud and very strong.
Willow: (to Giles) How is it you always know this stuff? You always know what's going on. I never know what's going on.
Giles: Well, you weren't here from midnight until six researching it.
Willow: No, I was sleeping.
Giles: Uh, o-obviously you're hurting the Master very much. He, he wouldn't send the, the Three for just anyone. We must step up our training with weapons.
Xander: Buffy, you should stay at my house until these Samurai guys are history.
Buffy: (turns to him) What?
Xander: Ah-ah-ah, don't worry about Angel, Willow can run to your house and tell him to get out of town fast.
Giles: Angel and Buffy are, are not in any immediate jeopardy. Eventually the Master will send someone else, but in the mean time the Three, having failed, will offer their own lives in penance.
Cut to the Master's lair.
Vampire: We failed in our duty, and now our lives belong to you. He hands the Master a spear. The Master passes it to Darla. She starts to walk around behind the Three as the Master goes over to Collin.
Master: Pay attention, child. You are the Anointed, and there is much you must learn. (crouches beside him) With power comes responsibility. True, they did fail, but also true, we who walk at night share a common bond. The taking of a life -- I'm not talking about humans, of course -- is a serious matter. One of the Three raises his head in hope.
Collin: So you would spare them?
Master: Hmm. (gets up) I am weary, and their deaths will bring me little joy. The Master begins to walk away, and Collin follows. Darla watches them go and smiles. She lifts the spear and dispatches the first of the Three. The Master stops and turns to Collin.
Master: Of course, sometimes a little is enough. He looks over at Darla as she kills the next one and continues away.
Cut to the school. Cut to the library door. Giles sets out a sign that reads 'Library CLOSED for filing. Please come back tomorrow.' Cut inside. Buffy is checking out the weapons case.
Buffy: Cool! Crossbow! (lifts it out, sees the bolts) Huh. Check out these babies. (takes out a bolt) Hmm. Goodbye stakes, hello flying fatality. What can I shoot?
Giles: Um, nothing. The crossbow comes later. He takes the crossbow from her and goes to put it back. Buffy is disappointed.
Giles: You must first become proficient with the basic tools of combat.
(Buffy looks bored) And let's begin... (comes back with two poles)
...with the quarterstaff. Which, incidentally, will, uh, require countless hours of vigorous training. (hands her one) I speak from experience.
Buffy: Giles, 20th Century? I'm not gonna be fighting Friar Tuck.
Giles: You never know with whom or what you'll be fighting. (puts on his head pads) And these traditions have been handed down through the ages. (grabs his staff) Now, you show me good, steady progress with the quarterstaff, and in due course we'll discuss the crossbow. Put on your pads.
Buffy: (laughs) I'm not gonna need pads to fight you.
Giles: Well, we'll see about that. En garde! He makes several thrusts and she parries them all. She takes the offensive, pushes his staff to the floor and punches him in the face. She comes around with the staff into his back, and again to knock his legs out from under him. He falls onto his back. She stands over him.
Giles: (stunned) Good. Let's move on to the crossbow.
Cut to the Summers house at night. Cut to Buffy coming into her room. She closes the door and looks around.
Buffy: Angel?
Angel: Hey. She turns on her desk lamp.
Buffy: Brought you some dinner. It's a little plateless, sorry. She hands him a plastic bag full of food that she pilfered from dinner. He accepts it and looks at it.
Buffy: So! What'd you do all day?
Angel: Uh, I read a little. Buffy looks over to her diary. It's out of place.
Angel: And just thought about a lot of things. Buffy, I...
Buffy: My diary? You read my diary? (goes to put it in a drawer) That is *not* okay! A diary is like a person's most private place! (comes back to him) I... You don't even know what I was writing about! 'Hunk' can mean a lot of things, bad things. And, and when it says that your eyes are 'penetrating', I meant to write 'bulging'.
Angel: Buffy...
Buffy: And 'A' doesn't even stand for 'Angel' for that matter, it stands for... 'Achmed', a charming foreign exchange student, so that whole fantasy part has nothing to even do with you at all...
Angel: Your mother moved your diary when she came in to straighten up. I watched from the closet. I didn't read it, I swear. She just looks at him.
Buffy: Oh! (looks down, realizing what she just said) Oh.
Angel: I did a lot of thinking today. I really can't be around you. (Buffy looks up) Because when I am...
Buffy: (looks down) Hey, no big. Water... over the bridge, under the bridge...
Angel: When I am all I can ever think about is how badly I want to kiss you.
Buffy: ...over the dam... (looks up at him) Kiss me?
Angel: I'm older than you, and this can't ever... I better go.
Buffy: H-how much older?
Angel: I should...
Buffy: (approaches him) ...go... You said... They kiss. They kiss again. They kiss passionately. She puts her arm around him. The kiss goes on for several moments. Angel suddenly pulls back and looks away.
Buffy: What? What is it? What's wrong? He turns to face her and growls. She sees he has his game face on and screams. He takes a last look at her and jumps out of the window. He slides down the roof and off onto the ground. Buffy goes to the window and watches him run away. Her mother comes running into the room.
Joyce: Buffy, what happened? She backs away from the window. Her mom takes her by the shoulders. She looks at her mom and shakes her head.
Buffy: Uh, nothing. I saw a shadow. They both look out the window. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 2 ~~~~~~~~~~ The next morning at Sunnydale High. The team is walking up the steps from the street toward the building.
Willow: Angel's a vampire?
Buffy: I can't believe this is happening. One minute we were kissing, and the next minute... (to Giles) Can a vampire ever be a good person? Couldn't it happen?
Giles: A vampire isn't a person at all. (clears his throat) It may have the movements, the, the memories, even the personality of the person that it took over, but i-it's still a demon at the core, there is no halfway.
Willow: So that'd be a no, huh?
Buffy: Well, then what was he doing? Why was he good to me? Was it all some part of the Master's plan? It doesn't make sense! They've reached a bench where Willow and Buffy sit.
Xander: Alright, uh... (sits also) ...you have a problem, and it's not a small one. Let's take a breath and look at this calmly and objectively. Angel's a vampire. You're a Slayer. I think it's obvious what you have to do. (smiles) Buffy doesn't react, so Xander looks up at Giles.
Giles: (crouches down) Uh, it is a Slayer's duty...
Xander: I-I know you have feelings for this guy, but it's not like you're in love with him, right? Buffy looks away.
Xander: You're in love with a vampire?! What, are you outta your mind?!
Cordelia: What?! He looks at Cordelia. She's looking somewhere else, but turns to him.
Xander: (to Cordelia) Not vampire... (to Buffy) How could you love an umpire? Everyone hates 'em! Cordelia looks back at another girl wearing the same dress she is.
Cordelia: Where did you get that dress? (pursues her) This is a one-of- a-kind Todd Oldham. Do you know how much this dress cost? Is this a knockoff? (checks the label) This is a knockoff, isn't it?! Some cheesy knockoff! This is exactly what happens when you sign these free trade agreements! The two girls disappear into the building.
Buffy: You think we have problems...
Cut to the hall outside Angel's apartment. He comes through the door and goes to his apartment door. He unlocks it and goes in. Cut inside. There are a bunch of old books stacked along the wall. He closes the door and goes over to turn on a lamp. When he straightens back up he senses a presence.
Angel: Who's here?
Darla: A friend. He quickly faces the voice. Darla comes out of the shadows wearing a Catholic schoolgirl uniform.
Darla: Hi. It's been a while.
Angel: A lifetime.
Darla: Or two, but who's counting?
Angel: What's with the Catholic schoolgirl look? Last time I saw you it was kimonos.
Darla: And last time I saw you it wasn't high school girls. (flares the skirt) Don't cha like? (approaches Angel) Remember Budapest? Turn of the century? You were such a bad boy during that earthquake.
Angel: You did some damage yourself.
Darla: Is there anything better than a natural disaster? (walks away) The panic. The people lost in the streets. It's like picking fruit off the vine. (reaches the bed) Nice! You're living above ground, like one of them. You and your new friend are attacking us, like one of them. (walks to the window) But guess what, precious? You're not one of them. She draws the window blinds open, letting in a stream of sunlight. Angel is blinded, and he stumbles backward to get out of the light.
Darla: Are you?
Angel: No. But I'm not exactly one of you either.
Darla: (walks to the fridge) Is that what you tell yourself these days? She opens the refrigerator and sees the bags and bottles of human blood.
Darla: You're not exactly living off quiche. (closes the fridge) You and I both know what you hunger for. (goes over to him) What you need. Hey, it's nothing to be ashamed of. It's who we are. It's what makes eternal life worth living. (smiles and touches him) Mm. You can only suppress your real nature for so long. You can feel it brewing inside of you. I hope I'm around when it explodes.
Angel: Maybe you don't wanna be.
Darla: I'm not afraid of you. I bet she is, though. (starts to leave) Or maybe I'm underestimating her. Talk to her. Tell her about the curse. Maybe she'll come around. And if she still doesn't trust you, you know where I'll be. She exits the apartment, leaving an angry Angel behind.
Cut to the library. Buffy is looking through a book. So are Willow and Xander. Giles comes up behind Xander and startles him.
Giles: Here's something at last.
Xander: Can you please warn us before you do that?
Giles: There's nothing about Angel in the texts, but it suddenly occurred to me that it's been ages since I've read the diaries of any of the watchers before me.
Willow: (to Buffy) That musta been so embarrassing when you thought he had read your diary, but then it turned out he hadn't, but then he felt the same way... (Xander gives her a look) I'm listening.
Giles: There's mention some two hundred years ago in Ireland of, of Angelus, the one with the angelic face.
Buffy: They got that right.
Xander: (clears his throat) I'm not saying anything, I have nothing to say.
Giles: Does this, uh, Angel have, um, a tattoo behind his right shoulder?
Buffy: Yeah, it's a, it's a bird or something.
Xander: Now I'm sayin' something. You saw him naked?
Willow: So, Angel's been around for a while.
Giles: Not long for a vampire. Uh, two hundred and forty years or so.
Buffy: Huh! Two hundred and forty. Well, he said he was older.
Giles: (sits) Angelus leaves Ireland, uh, wreaks havoc in, in Europe for, uh, several decades, and then, um, about eighty years ago, the most curious thing happens. He, he comes to, uh, to America, um, shuns other vampires, and, and lives alone. There's, there's no, no record of him hunting here.
Willow: So he *is* a good vampire! I mean, on a scale of one to ten, ten being someone who's killing and maiming every night, and one being someone who's... not.
Giles: I say that there's no record, but, uh, vampires hunt and kill. It's, it's what they do.
Xander: Fish gotta swim, birds gotta fly.
Buffy: He could've fed on me, he didn't.
Xander: Question: a hundred years or so before he came to our shores, what was he like then?
Giles: Uh, like all of them. Uh, a vicious, violent animal.
Cut to the Master's lair.
Darla: Don't think I'm not grateful, you letting me kill the Three.
Master: How can my children learn if I do everything for them?
Darla: But you've gotta let me take care of the Slayer.
Master: Oh! You're giving me orders now!
Darla: (walks away) Okay, then, we'll just do nothing while she takes us out one by one.
Master: Do I sense a plan, Darla? (she turns around) Share...
Darla: (walks back) Angel kills her and comes back to the fold.
Master: Angel! He was the most vicious creature I ever met. I miss him.
Darla: So do I.
Master: (considers) Why would he kill her if he feels for her?
Darla: To keep her from killing him.
Master: Hmm. (to Collin) You see how we all work together for the common good? That's how a family is supposed to function!
Cut to the school at night.
Willow: Okay, so let's review.
Cut to the library. Buffy and Willow are studying.
Willow: Reconstruction began when? (looks up) Buffy?
Buffy: Huh? (comes back to earth) Oh! Um, reconstruction... Uh, reconstruction began after the... construction, which was... shoddy, so they had to reconstruct.
Willow: After the destruction of the Civil War.
Buffy: Right. Civil War. During which Angel was already, like, a hundred and change...
Willow: Are we gonna talk about boys, or are we gonna help you pass history? Buffy looks up at Willow. She closes the book.
Willow: Sometimes I have this fantasy that Xander's just gonna grab me and kiss me right on the lips. (huge smile)
Buffy: You want Xander, you've gotta speak up, girl!
Willow: No, no, no, no. No speaking up. That way leads to madness and sweaty palms. Darla peeks out from behind the stacks.
Willow: Okay, so here's something I gotta know. When Angel kissed you... I mean before he turned into... how was it?
Buffy: (smiles) Unbelievable! Darla continues to watch and listen.
Willow: Wow! And it is kinda novel how he'll stay young and handsome forever, although you'll still get wrinkly and die, and... Oh, and what about the children? (Buffy looks at her) I'll be quiet now.
Buffy: No, it's okay. I need to hear this. I need to get over him so I can...
Willow: So that you can... (makes a stabbing gesture)
Buffy: Like Xander said, I'm the Slayer, and he's a... vampire. God, I can't! He's never done anything to hurt me... Okay, no, I need to stop thinking about this. Okay, let's give another half an hour and maybe something will sink in. And then I'm going home for some major moping. Darla smiles and backs away.
Willow: Okay. The era of the congressional reconstruction, usually called radical...
Cut to the Summers house. Cut inside to the kitchen where Joyce is doing her taxes and having coffee. She hears creaking on the porch outside and gets up to investigate. She looks out the door window and sees nothing. She opens the door a bit and still there's nothing. She closes the door and heads to the front. Darla looks in, sporting her game face. Joyce walks slowly through the living room and hears a knocking on the door. She looks out, sees Darla in her human guise and opens the door.
Joyce: Hello?
Darla: Hi! I'm Darla? A friend of Buffy's?
Joyce: Oh! (exhales) Nice to meet you.
Darla: (exhales) She didn't mention anything about me coming over for a study date, did she?
Joyce: No, I thought she was studying with Willow at the library.
Darla: She is. Willow's the Civil War expert, but then I was supposed to help her with the War of Independence. My family kinda goes back to those days.
Joyce: Well, I, I know she's supposed to be home soon. Would you like to come in and wait?
Darla: (comes in) It's very nice of you to invite me into your home.
(smiles)
Joyce: You're welcome. I've been wrestling with the IRS all night.
Would you like something to eat? (starts to the kitchen)
Darla: (follows) Yes, I would! She looks at Joyce's neck. Cut to the kitchen.
Joyce: Let's see what we have. Do you feel like something little or something big?
Darla: (vamped out) Something big! Cut outside. Angel comes walking up to the house. He almost knocks, but then decides to leave. As he goes he hears Joyce scream. He runs around to the back door and kicks it in. He sees Darla biting Joyce.
Angel: Let her go!
Darla: I just had a little, there's plenty more. Aren't you hungry for something warm after all this time? Come on, Angel. Just say 'Yes'! She shoves Joyce into Angel's arms so he can see the bite and smell the blood. He struggles with himself and looks away from the bite. Darla watches with a big smile. Angel looks up at her again with his game face on.
Darla: Welcome home! She walks around them and leaves the house. Angel continues to struggle with himself. Buffy comes in from the dining room, and Angel looks up.
Buffy: Hey! I'm home. She turns toward him and freezes with fear. Angel bares his fangs and growls.
[SCENE_BREAK]
~~~~~~~~~~ Part 3 ~~~~~~~~~~ The Summers house. Cut to the living room window. Angel flies through it and tumbles over the porch, through the bushes and onto the lawn. Buffy comes over to the broken window and looks out at him as he gets up.
Buffy: You're not welcome here. You come near us and I'll kill you. Angel just looks at her. She goes back inside. He turns to leave. Cut inside. Buffy grabs the phone, dials 911 and goes over to kneel by her mom.
Buffy: Mom! Mom, can you hear me?! (the operator answers) Yes, I need an ambulance, 1630 Revello Drive! My mother cut herself, she lost a lot of blood! Please, please hurry! (drops the phone) Mom!
Xander: Hey, Buffy! She looks up to see Xander and Willow come in through the kitchen door.
Xander: Oh, my God!
Willow: What happened?!
Buffy: Angel!
Cut to the hospital. Giles rushes down the corridor trying to find Joyce's room.
Buffy: Do you remember anything, Mom? Cut inside the room.
Joyce: Just, um, your friend came over... I was gonna make a snack...
Buffy: My friend? Giles comes in the door.
Joyce: I guess I slipped and cut my neck on... The doctor said it looked like a barbecue fork. (looks at Buffy) We don't have a barbecue fork. (looks at Giles) Are you another doctor?
Buffy: (looks to see) Oh! Um... No, Mom, this is Mr. Giles.
Joyce: Oh, the librarian from your school! (confused) What's he doing here?
Giles: Uh, I-I just came to pay my respects, wish you a speedy recovery.
Joyce: Boy, the teachers really *do* care in this town.
Buffy: Get some rest now. She gives her mom a kiss and they all go outside the room. Cut to the hall.
Buffy: She's gonna be okay. They, they gave her some iron... Her, uh, blood count was a, a little...
Giles: ...a little low. It presents itself like mild anemia. Uh, you, you were, uh, lucky you got to her as soon as you did.
Buffy: Lucky? Stupid.
Xander: Buff, it's not your fault.
Buffy: No? I invited him into my home. Even after I knew who he was, what he was, and I didn't do anything about it... 'cause I had feelings for him, because I cared about him.
Willow: If you care about somebody you care about them. You can't change that by...
Buffy: ...killing them? Maybe not. But I think it's a start. (starts to leave)
Xander: Uh, we'll keep an eye on your mom.
Giles: (chases after her) Buffy! (blocks her way)
Buffy: You can't stop me. The Three found me near the Bronze and so did he. He lives nearby.
Giles: This is no ordinary vampire. (whispers) If there is such a thing. Now, he knows you, he, he's faced the Three! I think this is gonna take more than a simple stake.
Buffy: So do I.
Cut to the armory in the library. Buffy loads the crossbow with bolts.
Darla: She's out hunting you right now.
Cut to Angel's apartment.
Darla: She wants to kill you.
Angel: Leave me alone.
Darla: What did you think? Did you think she would understand? That she would look at your face... your true face... and give you a kiss?
Cut to Buffy in the library. She takes a practice shot at an anti- smoking poster and nails the guy in the heart.
Darla: For a hundred years you've not (Buffy lowers the bow) had a moment's peace because you will not (cut to the apartment) accept who you are. That's all you have to do. Accept it. Don't let her hunt you down. Don't whimper and mewl like a mangy human. Kill! Feed! Live! She has pushed Angel to the limit. He jumps up and shoves her against the wall with her arms pinned up.
Angel: Alright!
Darla: What do you want?
Angel: I want it finished!
Darla: That's good. You're hurting me. (smiles) That's good, too.
Cut to outside the Bronze. Buffy has the crossbow held ready. She comes through a hole in a fence and goes toward the entrance. She hears glass breaking above her and turns to the noise. She looks around as she goes to the wall where there's a ladder. She starts to climb.
Joyce: She talks about you all the time.
Cut to the hospital room.
Joyce: It's important to have teachers who make an impression.
Giles: She makes quite an impression herself.
Joyce: I-I know she's having trouble with history. I-is it too difficult for her or is she not applying herself?
Giles: She lives very much in the now, um, and, uh, history, of course, is, is very much about the, uh... the then. B-b-but there's no reason...
Joyce: She's studying with Willow, she's studying with Darla, I-I mean, she is trying.
Giles: Darla? I-I-I don't believe I know, uh...
Joyce: Her friend, the one who came over tonight.
Giles: Darla came to your house tonight? Sh-she's the friend that you mentioned earlier?
Joyce: Poor thing, I must've frightened her half to death when I fainted. Someone should really check and make sure she's alright.
Giles: (gets up) Yes, someone should, right away. I'll do it. (grabs his coat and leaves)
Joyce: That school is amazing!
Cut to the hall. He walks with Willow and Xander.
Giles: We have a problem.
Cut to the Bronze. Buffy comes down the stairs. When she gets to the bottom she quickly turns to have a look around. Angel backs into the shadows. Buffy hears a noise and pivots toward it.
Buffy: I know you're there. And I know what you are.
Angel: Do you? She faces his voice.
Angel: I'm just an animal, right?
Buffy: You're not an animal. Animals I like. She keeps looking around her. He growls and comes out of the shadows to face her. She trains the crossbow on him.
Angel: Let's get it done! He growls and begins to run. He jumps onto a pool table. Buffy follows him with her aim and shoots, but misses. Angel jumps up onto the catwalk above. Buffy can't see him in the shadows. He swings down and kicks her in the back, knocking her onto a pool table. She does a standing back kick at him behind her and sends him into the wall. She runs around the table and dives for the crossbow. She rolls onto her back and takes aim at him. He slowly gets up and growls. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 4 ~~~~~~~~~~ The Bronze. Angel is in his game face and Buffy has her crossbow trained on him. Angel morphs back into his human form.
Angel: C'mon! Don't go soft on me now! Buffy launches the bolt. It hits the wall next to him.
Angel: Little wide.
Buffy: Why? (gets up) Why didn't you just attack me when you had the chance? Was it a joke? To make me feel for you and then... I've killed a lot of vampires. I've never hated one before.
Angel: Feels good, doesn't it? Feels simple.
Buffy: I invited you into my home and then you attacked my family!
Angel: Why not? I killed mine. I killed their friends... and their friend's children... For a hundred years I offered ugly death to everyone I met, and I did it with a song in my heart.
Buffy: What changed?
Angel: Fed on a girl about your age... beautiful... dumb as a post... but a favorite among her clan.
Buffy: Her clan?
Angel: Romany. Gypsies. The elders conjured the perfect punishment for me. They restored my soul.
Buffy: What, they were all out of boils and blinding torment?
Angel: When you become a vampire the demon takes your body, but it doesn't get your soul. That's gone! No conscience, no remorse... It's an easy way to live. You have no idea what it's like to have done the things I've done... and to care. I haven't fed on a living human being since that day.
Buffy: So you started with my mom?
Angel: I didn't bite her.
Buffy: Then why didn't you say something?
Angel: But I wanted to. I can walk like a man, but I'm not one. I wanted to kill you tonight. Buffy looks at her bow and back at Angel. She puts the bow down on the floor and approaches him. She offers her neck.
Buffy: Go ahead. He just looks at her in silence.
Buffy: Not as easy as it looks.
Darla: Sure it is! They turn toward the voice and see Darla coming out of the shadows. Cut outside. Giles, Willow and Xander are walking down a street.
Willow: We're near the Bronze. What now?
Giles: Keep looking for her.
Xander: I have a question: what if we find her and she's fighting Angel and some of his friends? What the heck are we gonna do about it?
Cut to the Bronze.
Darla: Do you know what the saddest thing in the world is?
Buffy: Bad hair on top of that outfit?
Darla: To love someone who used to love you.
Buffy: (looks at Angel) You guys were involved?
Darla: For several generations.
Buffy: Well, you been around since Columbus, you are bound to pile up a few ex's. You're older than him, right? Just between us girls, you are looking a little worn around the eyes.
Darla: (smiles) I made him. There was a time when we shared everything, wasn't there Angelus? You had a chance to come home, to rule with me in the Master's court for a thousand years, but you threw that away because of her. You love someone who hates us. You're sick. And you'll always be sick. And you'll always remember what it was like to watch her die. (smiles) You don't think I came alone, do you?
Buffy: I know I didn't. She kicks the bow up into her hands and aims it at Darla.
Darla: Hmm, scary. She produces two pistols from behind her back, one in each hand.
Darla: Scarier! She shoots Angel. He staggers back onto a post.
Darla: Oh, don't worry. Bullets can't kill vampires. Can hurt them like hell, but... (giggles) Buffy retreats. Darla starts shooting at her. She does a diving shoulder roll over a pool table and takes cover behind it. Cut outside. Giles, Willow and Xander hear the shots from inside the Bronze.
Xander: Did you just hear... They run to find a way in. Cut inside. Buffy reloads the crossbow.
Darla: So many body parts, so few bullets. Let's begin with the kneecaps. No fun dancing without them. She caps off a few more rounds, and the pool table takes a few hits. Buffy pops up with the crossbow and takes a shot at Darla. She doubles over when it hits her in the abdomen. Buffy watches as she straightens back up again.
Darla: Close, but no heart. She grabs the bolt, pulls it out and tosses it aside. Cut to Giles, Willow and Xander crawling along the floor.
Xander: We need to distract her, fast!
Willow: (calls out) Buffy, it wasn't Angel who attacked your mom, it was Darla! Darla turns toward the voice and lets loose a hail of bullets as they hug the floor for cover. Angel pulls the bolt from the wall. Darla turns her attention back on Buffy and hops up onto the pool table. Buffy jumps up, grabs the edge of the table and pulls, knocking Darla onto her back. She pushes the table away and starts to run for cover. Darla fires off a few rounds as she rides the table across the floor. Buffy leaps for cover over a glass case in a dive roll as bullets break it all around her. The pool table has stopped sliding, and Darla gets up to look for Buffy. She hops off of it and advances on the counter while shooting. Giles gets up and messes with the lighting system controls. The strobes come on. Darla looks up at him and stops shooting. Buffy takes the opportunity to change position. Darla sees her move and lets loose another volley.
Darla: C'mon, Buffy. Take it like a man! Angel comes up behind her, roars and plunges the bolt into her back. She is surprised and cries out in pain. She turns to look at her attacker.
Darla: Angel? She falls to the floor and bursts into ashes. Buffy rises up to see. Angel looks up from Darla's ashes at Buffy. She comes out from behind the counter. He looks at her a moment longer and then turns and leaves. Buffy is speechless and just watches him go.
Cut to the Master's lair. He screams as he wields a tall candle holder and smashes it in anger. He flails out with his arms and knocks other things over. Finally he sinks to the ground in grief. Collin comes over to him.
Collin: Forget her.
Master: (looks up) How dare you? She was my favorite. For four hundred years...
Collin: She was weak. You don't need her. I'll bring you the Slayer.
Master: But to lose her to Angel! He was to have sat at my right hand, come the day. And now...
Collin: They're all against you. But soon you shall rise. And when you do... (puts a hand on the Master's shoulder) ...we kill them all. The Master smiles at him and gets up. Collin takes his hand and leads him away.
Cut to later at the Bronze.
Xander: Ah, the post-fumigation party.
Buffy: Okay, so what's the difference between this and the pre- fumigation party?
Xander: Much hardier cockroaches.
Willow: So, no word from Angel?
Buffy: Nah. It's weird, though. In his way I feel like he's still watching me.
Willow: Well, in a way he sort of is. In the way of that he's right over there. Buffy looks over where Willow is looking and sees Angel. She briefly looks back at Willow and then heads over to him.
Xander: I don't need to watch because I'm not threatened. Just gonna look this way. He and Willow sit at a table with him facing away from Buffy and Angel. Willow watches as Buffy makes her way over to Angel. The crowd is slow dancing to "I'll remember you", by Sophie Zelmani.
Lyrics: Did they know what they wanted / The times they kissed me? / And your hands / I held in mine Buffy and Angel reach each other.
Angel: I just wanted to see if you were okay. And your mother.
Buffy: We're both good. You?
Angel: If I can go a little while without getting shot or stabbed I'll be alright. Look, this can't...
Buffy: ...ever be anything. I know. For one thing, you're, like, two hundred and twenty-four years older than I am.
Angel: I just gotta... I gotta walk away from this.
Buffy: (nods) I know. Me, too. (whispers) One of us has to go here.
Angel: (whispers) I know. They look at each other a moment longer and then close in to kiss. Their kiss becomes passionate. Buffy reaches her hands up to Angel's neck.
Lyrics: Your eyes / That always make me shiver / Now they are closed / They just sometimes twitch a little
Cut to Willow and Xander.
Xander: What's going on?
Willow: Nothin'...
Xander: Well, as long as they're not kissing. Willow just watches and says nothing. Cut to Angel and Buffy.
Lyrics: And your body / I could hold for an hour / It sent me to Heaven / With its heat and power They separate.
Buffy: You okay?
Angel: It's just...
Buffy: ...painful. I know. See you around?
Lyrics: I'll remember you / You will be there in my heart / I'll remember you / And that is all that I can do / But I'll remember Buffy walks away. Angel watches her go. The camera pans down to his chest where her cross has left a deep burn. | Plan: A: their first kiss; Q: What did Buffy and Angel share? A: Buffy; Q: Who is horrified to discover that Angel is a vampire? A: Angel's soul; Q: What was restored by a Gypsy curse? A: his fellow undead; Q: Who does Angel's soul restore make him unique among? A: Buffy for the Master; Q: What is Darla trying to assasinate? Summary: Sharing their first kiss, Buffy is horrified to discover that Angel is a vampire. Bent on slaying him, Buffy learns that Angel's soul was restored by a Gypsy curse, making him unique-and reviled-among his fellow undead. Angel stakes Darla, the vampire who made him, as she attempts to assassinate Buffy for the Master. |
At the Dot
(Paige as a waitress at the Dot, she's mixing up people's orders and spilling things.)
Paige: Sixty seven pathetic cents.
Spinner: Hey stop. Stop. You may be poor but at least you're pretty!
Paige: Please just tell me I've made a dent in what I owe you. A ding?
(The manager brings over the schedule.)
Paige: Ooh the new schedule.
The manager: Paige...
Spinner: Crap I work Saturday?
Paige: Um I don't...Friday or Sunday either...hello do I ever work?
The manager: Sorry Paige, but you're fired.
At Spinner's locker
Manny: Hey. Nice sunburn. Looks pretty ouch.
Spinner: Yeah it is ouch. Um where's yours?
Manny: It's called sun block with a grease-free moisturizer follow.
Spinner: Paige uses moisturizer but hers is lavender.
(Spinner leans in to smell Manny as Craig walks around the corner.)
Spinner: I'm close enough to know that yours isn't... lavender.
Craig: Hey idiot! Nice sunburn!
Manny: Library's at the other side of the school. Bye.
Spinner: Am I the only one who got burned at this carwash?
Craig: Are you and Paige still tight?
Spinner: Yeah. Your point?
Craig: You and Manny have been talking a lot lately.
Spinner: Again, your point?
Craig: Hey look I'm just warning you.
Spinner: Hey it's none of your business. And neither is Manny. Not this year.
In a classroom
Mr. Simpson: Welcome to the tryouts for Degrassi's official trivia team! I want you to all partner off and we're going to start with a little warm-up.
Toby: Partners Emma?
Emma: Sorry I'm with Heather.
Rick: Heartbreaking. I myself have Ms. Nelson pegged at number 3. I've got this list. It's not some kind of crass rating system. Let's see... ranking system.
Toby: Your set.
Rick: I'm organized. Writing out goals helps realize them.
Mr. Simpson: What's the world's largest glacier?
Toby: The Lamar glacier?
Rick: He's correct. It's in Antarctica
Mr. Simpson: I think you two might make a good team. In the cafeteria
Hazel: I love soup.
Paige: That was random.
Ashley: Hey soups good!
(Paige bumps into Hazel and Ashley making them spill.)
Hazel: Paige!
Spinner: (laughing) Crash Michaelchuk. World champion destroyer. Two down with one tray!
Jimmy: Hazel I'm gonna get you some napkins. Sun stroke got you too tired to move!?
Paige: Hey that's my lunch.
Spinner: (talking with his mouth full) More salt next time!
Hazel: Spinner!
Paige: Spin endured the Dot for a year for a car I totaled in two minutes. He can joke and snack. He's allowed.
At the movie theater
Mary: Your application says you worked at a Dot just not for how long...
Paige: It's the old you can't get a job without experience.
Mary: You can't get experience without a job.
Paige: I'm a terrible waitress. More than one table and my mind goes... which is why this job is perfect. One customer at a time. Get them their drinks, their popcorn and next!
Mary: How are you at teamwork though?
Paige: Oh I'm team! I cheer for team.
(She looks up and sees Alex working there.)
Paige: Go team.
Walking into the school
Toby: Uh you look pretty today Emma.
Emmy: Thanks Toby.
JT: (Mimicking Emma) Thanks Toby.
Toby: Okay I made a list and gee guess what, my goals, not realistic!
Rick: Relinquish the list Toby.
Toby: It's in my head.
Rick: I told you mine!
Toby: Fine there's Emma.
Rick: Not entirely surprised.
Toby: Uh Ellie Nash.
Rick: Ooh nice alternative!
Toby: Hazel.
Rick: A couple of very fine attributes on that one. There's a set of role playing dice I've had my eye on for oh so long. What we need is courage and all I'm proposing is a challenge.
Toby: What kind of challenge?
Rick: Loser buys the dice. Winner gets it. Whoever can manage a kiss from any girl on that list before last bell.
Toby: Narrow it down to Emma and we're on.
(They shake hands.)
In the computer lab
Paige: I can't just go in there and talk to her. Alex hates me. I hate Alex.
Spinner: So? Perfect chance to make a new friend!
Paige: Spin please! We're talking my pride here! How much is it worth?!
Spinner: How much... um about $1200 and uh...
Paige: Alex. Um can we talk a sec?
Alex: You're not calling me dog face?
Mr. Simpson: Okay internet lovers! Two minutes until homeroom so please log off!
Paige: Just one second please. We've had our issues I know, but hun you see how much I do around here that I'm employee material.
Alex: I wouldn't worry about it. I put in a perfectly bad word for you. In Ms. Hatzilakos' class
Toby: Uh, standing up for Rick like you did...I've decided to follow your lead.
Emma: What do you want Toby?
Toby: We've got this game going, it's kind of scavenger hunt-ish. (Whispers) If I get a kiss I win!
(Emma kisses Toby on the cheek.)
Toby: Ha! I win, which means you lose! You are a loser!
Emma: Nice way to follow my lead Toby. Just so you're not lonely!
(Emma kisses Rick on the cheek.)
Rick: Ha ha ha! It's a tie! The game was supposed to end in 3...2...1. Which means that tomorrow to break the tie we need a new game.
Ms. Hatzilakos: Alright class put away the microscopes, clean up your work areas and I'll see you next class!
In the hallway Paige and Hazel are putting up pictures from the carwash
Paige: My last hope was a movie theatre concession, with Alex. In a mall!
Hazel: You're so better than that.
Paige: Tell that to the moundo debt I owe Spinner.
Hazel: You're also better than him.
Paige: What are you talking about?
Hazel: I miss the old you with the old Spinner. Trailing behind, obedient and slightly afraid!
Paige: That was before I smashed his car!
Hazel: The car of the freak that raped you! Good boyfriends don't hold you to things like that. And good boyfriends also don't do this! (Shows Paige the picture of Spinner and Manny looking really close)
Paige: Is that...Spinner and Manny are friends. It's nothing. At the Dot
Spinner: Rule is. You get fired, you don't pop by.
Paige: Another rule. Love clutches are banned with girls who aren't me.
Spinner: It's a hug!
Paige: Nearness comes in varying degrees. Come here. Come on! This! This is a hug...
(Paige hugs Spinner.)
Spinner: Uh sunburn Paige!
Paige: now this! (Grabs him even tighter hurting him)
Spinner: Paige!
Paige: All you have to do is tell me that it was nothing... Spinner!
Spinner: I have to... I have to get back to work.
In the cafeteria
Paige: Did you hear about those two? Totally shacking up!
Hazel: I know!
Paige: Hard to believe Ellie is beating me and Spin in the dating Olympics.
Hazel: And by more than a nose!
Paige: I know. By a lot. (Looking at Spinner across the room) Deny it, confirm it, just don't avoid me all day. In the hallway
Jay: Slam!
Rick: What? (Jay slams Rick into the lockers)
Jay: I said slam! Now pay attention next time.
Toby: You okay?
Rick: Yeah, yeah, yeah why wouldn't I be? So uh yesterday's challenge was far too easy. We're gonna have to go for quantity not quality today.
Toby: Okay.
Rick: Alright so new day, new challenge. Whoever gets the most girls to kiss them before the end of the day wins. Loser buys the dice. I've uh made up some charts and stuff. You know. Age, location...
Toby: Sure that's a good idea?
Rick: Sure you're not a big wuss?
Toby: Okay but you're gonna have to be good!
(Toby bangs his arm on the locker.)
Toby: Ahh oohh! Ow!
Manny: Toby what's wrong?
Toby: I banged my arm! It hurts!
Manny: Aw poor baby! Is there anything that I can do to help?
(Manny kisses his elbow before walking away.)
In the gym, the Spirit Squad is practicing
Paige: 5, 6, 7, 8! 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8! K Manny let's uh try listening to the beat this time. Let's do it again. 5, 6, 7, 8! 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8!
(Spinner walks into the gym.)
Paige: Alright, just work on technique for a few.
Spinner: Can we talk?
Paige: You mean instead of ignoring me?
Spinner: Okay I admit it. I had some guilty thoughts.
Paige: You have thoughts?
Spinner: Just like you did last year with that stupid drivers ed teacher.
Paige: Falcone was not all over me, half naked at a car wash!
Spinner: Anyway...what I came here to tell you is that...in the end all my thoughts come back to you.
(Hands her some flowers.)
Paige: Flowers are nice. Especially if they're not carnations.
(Paige's cell rings.)
Paige: I don't know who this is. Hello? Hi. Mary! Yeah I'm still into the job!
[SCENE_BREAK]
In the hallway
(Rick is trying to get girls to kiss him and Toby is actually having lots of girls kiss him. Toby sees Rick getting upset and ripping his list.)
Darcy: This friend of yours... He's really losing that bad?
Toby: I thought he was gonna cry. Oh here he comes.
Darcy: Poor guy!
Toby: Yeah, yeah. Poor guy.
Darcy: He's the one they keep pushing into lockers. Why does everyone around here hate him so much?
Toby: So will uh $5 change your mind?
Darcy: Yeah.
(Darcy walks over to Rick as he's walking by.)
Darcy: Where'd you get your glasses?
Rick: Um the optometrist...
Darcy: I like 'em!
Rick: Um my friend and me...we have this game going.
Darcy: Anything I can do to help you win?
Rick: A kiss. It doesn't have to be on the lips, it doesn't even have to be on the...
(Darcy kisses him on the cheek and Jay is watching from upstairs.)
At Paige's locker
Hazel: So you're a couple again?
Paige: Uh we never stopped.
(Hazel sighs and shakes her head.)
Paige: The Hazel headshake. Do not make me suffer.
Hazel: You let him treat you like garbage he'll keep doing it!
Paige: Thank you Oprah, Dr. Phil and uh everyone else in the world.
Hazel: Paige...
Paige: Just back off okay? Unless you'd like me to give you play by plays on your relationship with Jimmy. I'm gonna be late for work.
At the theatre, Paige & Alex are working
Alex: Drinks need ice!
Paige: Sorry!
Alex: While it's pouring...
Paige: Uh Popcorn! Right. Sorry. (Spills some butter on the floor)
Alex: I'll wipe it up! And don't say sorry!
Paige: Enjoy your show!
Paige: Hi can I interest you in a...
(She looks up and sees Spinner.)
Paige: What are you doing?
Spinner: Well I'm here to support you in your first shift wearing man-made fibers and I want a large popcorn. Only! Could you stop half way for butter?!
(Paige puts some butter on it.)
Spinner: Little more.
(Paige puts some more.)
Spinner: Just a bit more.
Paige: Any more and you'll get grease stains on your pants honeybee.
Spinner: Okay so a quarter more popcorn.
(Paige puts more popcorn in it.)
Spinner: And a smidge of more butter!
(Paige puts more butter in it.)
Spinner: Good girl.
Craig: (Giving Spinner a dirty look) That's nice.
Spinner: No, it's good training.
After the crowds died down, still at the theatres
Paige: Wanna check to see if I cleaned the nacho sludge thingy right?
Alex: The fact that you, Paige, did it at all is amazing.
Paige: No worse than clearing my brother's hair out of the bath tub.
(Alex tosses Paige some candy.)
Paige: Thanks.
Alex: Thought we hired you...not your boyfriend? Real sweet guy!
Paige: The jerk you just experienced is usually a little less of a jerk.
Alex: Not that I'd ever admit this but I used to be scared of you.
Paige: Please! I'm so not scary.
Alex: No. You're a coward and a suck because if my boyfriend showed up here and treated me that way I'd be shopping for a new boyfriend.
After the guys' movie finished
Craig: Well that move was surreal.
Marco: It wasn't surreal. If it were surreal Koback would have been played by like a goat!
Jimmy: Okay tell me again why did Koback kill that guy?
Craig: Why do you think!? Jealousy!
Spinner: I knew Koback reminded me of someone!
Craig: What's that?
Spinner: Nothing man. Just a joke. Relax.
Marco: Spin. Come on! Leave Paige alone! She SO suffered enough.
Spinner: So how's the rest of your shift going my booty blossom?
Paige: You really wanna help? Give the girl who lost her license a ride home.
Spinner: You don't get off work for another 2 hours.
Craig: There's so much to be jealous about Spin. I mean your charm, your way with women.
Spinner: You're crazy man.
Craig: Ooh nice comeback genius.
(Spinner smacks Craig on the face.)
Spinner: That one better for you?
Paige: Bag of grossness coming through.
Craig: You were always jealous of Manny and me!
Spinner: Yeah well now you're jealous of Manny and me!
(The guys start fighting and wrestling around on the floor.)
Paige: Stop it! Get off of each other! I work here! Go!
Mary: I've called security! Are you gonna wait for them to arrive?
(The guys jump up and take off.)
Paige: I told them to leave!
Mary: Hand in your uniform!
Paige: No Mary!
Mary: You're fired.
At school
Toby: My eleven kisses to your one! You know I attribute my success to my silky cheek.
(Rick passes him the dice.)
Rick: You are the victor I accept that. But none of your kisses are even close to the one I got.
Toby: And you still won't tell me who!
Rick: Let's say in this case it's about quality, not quantity. This has given me all the confidence I need.
Toby: To what?
(Jay walks up and Rick runs off.)
Jay: Survival instinct has the oldest and strongest member of the pack protecting the young and the weak.
Toby: I'm weak. I'm practically feeble.
Jay: Yeah well, word's out that a 9er's getting stalked by a certain psycho.
Toby: Look. Rick's my friend! I was just trying to save him from humiliation.
(Jay shoves Toby into a locker.)
Toby: Come on man! Let me out! Come on!
Jay: Too bad he's not here to save you now!
In the cafeteria
Paige: I was just thinking, gee I hope Alex comes by to gloat.
Alex: You have a shift tomorrow. The new scampi movie's out so we'll have a ton of over-sugared toddlers.
Paige: You're not funny. I'm fired.
Alex: It wasn't your fault I talked to Mary for you...so be there!
(Alex walks away as Spinner walks over to Paige.)
Spinner: Um. I'm sorry okay?
Paige: For uh? Getting me canned on my very first shift? No prob.
Spinner: Wait, you got fired?!
Paige: Don't worry your paychecks safe.
Spinner: That's not all I care about.
Paige: Right. There's always Manny.
Spinner: So that's it huh? Gotta make me the bad guy here. Put me back in my place.
Paige: If anyone's been put in her place lately, it's me!
Spinner: Listen I'm sorry about last night.
Paige: Spinner don't.
Spinner: Why are you so hung up on this?!
Paige: Because last night you weren't fighting over me. Look we'll figure out some kind of payment schedule or something. I've had enough of this.
Spinner: Paige!
Paige: Spin. I've had enough of you.
Scenes for next week
Voiceover: On a revealing Degrassi.
Rick: He's harassing me sir.
Mr. Raditch: Richard I've told you time and time again. It takes two to tango.
Voiceover: Rick is trying to put his violent past behind him.
Spinner: You know what? I'll help you.
(Spinner and Jimmy push Rick into the dumpster.)
Voiceover: But has he reached his breaking point?
(Jimmy and Rick bump into each other.)
Jimmy: You might want to watch where you're going loser.
Rick: Watch where you're going Neanderthal!
Jimmy: What'd you just say?!
(Rick is shown covered in food and gross stuff.)
Voiceover: On a shocking Degrassi. | Plan: A: Paige; Q: Who gets a job working at the movie theater concession stand? A: Alex; Q: Who does Paige work with at the movie theater concession stand? A: the damages; Q: What does Paige need to pay off to Spinner's car? A: a bet; Q: What is the reason for Rick and Toby being partnered up in class? Summary: Paige gets a job working alongside her nemesis Alex at the movie theater concession stand to pay off the damages to Spinner's car. Meanwhile, Rick and Toby are partnered up in class, leading to a bet to see who can get more kisses from the girls at school. |
Recap of 205 "Rise of the Cybermen".
OPENING CREDITS
EXT. TYLER'S MANSION, GROUNDS
The Doctor points the power cell at the Cybermen, which expells a shoot of golden light which bounds off one of them and onto the others, they are all disintegrated.
RICKY: What the hell was that?
THE DOCTOR: We'll have that instead, run!
And they run. Mrs Moore drives onto the scene in the blue van, hooting her horn.
MRS MOORE: Everybody in!
Pete tries to run back to the house. The Doctor grabs him and tries to restrain him.
PETE: I've gotta go back, my wife's in there.
THE DOCTOR: Anyone inside that house is dead. If you wanna help, then don't let her die for nothing. You've gotta come with us right now.
Pete understands, and hurries back to the van.
MRS MOORE: Come on, get a move on!
Rose is still staring at the house. The Doctor goes to her.
THE DOCTOR (with a quiet urgency): Rose, she's not your mother.
ROSE: I know.
THE DOCTOR: Come on.
He pushes her in the direction of the van. They get in the back.
MRS MOORE: Finished chatting?! Never seen a slower getaway in my life!
They drive off. The Cybermen march ominously forwards.
INT. TYLER'S MANSION, CELLAR
A door in the basement of the Tyler's house creaks open a crack. Jackie peeks out with wide eyes. A Cyberman is walking away from her, its back turned. Very suddenly another steps out of a doorway about halfway along the corridor. Jackie gasps and hastily withdraws - but too late, it has seen her.
INT. VAN
The van is driving along at a steady speed now, relatively calm. Ricky, who is sitting in the front, glares through the grilling at the power cell, which the Doctor is still holding in his hand.
RICKY: What was that thing?
THE DOCTOR: Little bit of technology from my home.
MICKEY: It's stopped glowing. Has it run out?
THE DOCTOR (putting it in his pocket): It's on a revitalising loop. It'll charge back up in about four hours.
RICKY: Right. So, we don't have a weapon anymore.
JAKE: Yeah, we've got weapons. Might not be one of those metal things, but they're good enough for men like him.
He's looking at Pete.
ROSE (voice rising shrilly): Leave him alone! What's he done wrong?
JAKE: Oh, you know, just laid a trap that's wiped out the Government. And left Lumic in charge.
PETE: If I was part of all that, do you think I'd leave my wife inside?
RICKY: Maybe your plan went wrong. Still gives us the right to execute you, though.
THE DOCTOR: Talk about executions, you'll make me your enemy. And take some really good advice, you don't wanna do that.
RICKY: All the same... we have evidence that says Pete Tyler's been working for Lumic since 20.5.
Rose stares at Pete, taken aback.
ROSE: Is that true?
Pete looks uncomfortable.
RICKY: Tell 'em, Mrs M.
MRS MOORE: We've got a government mole who feeds us information. Lumic's private files, his South American operations... the lot. Secret broadcasts twice a week.
PETE: Broadcast from Gemini?
RICKY: And how do you know that?
PETE: I'm Gemini. That's me.
RICKY: Yeah, well you would say that.
PETE: Encrypted wavelength six-five-seven using binary nine.
Ricky and Jake glance at one another.
PETE (CONT'D): That's the only reason I was working for Lumic. To get information. I thought I was broadcasting to the Security Services, and what do I get? Scooby Doo and his gang. They've even got the van!
MICKEY (confused): No, no, no! But the Preachers know what they're doing. Ricky said he's London's Most Wanted!
RICKY: Yeah, that's not exactly...
MICKEY: Not exactly what?
RICKY (sheepishly): I'm London's Most Wanted for... parking tickets.
The Doctor smiles. Rose raises her eyebrows.
PETE: Great.
RICKY (defensively): They were deliberate! I was fighting the system! Park anywhere, that's me.
THE DOCTOR (liking this): Good policy. I do much the same. I'm the Doctor, by the way, if anyone's interested...
ROSE: And I'm Rose. Hello!
PETE: Even better. That's the name of my dog. Still, at least I've got the catering staff on my side.
Rose looks at him.
ROSE (quietly): I knew you weren't a traitor.
PETE: Why's that, then?
Rose glances at the Doctor, who is watching her.
ROSE: I just did.
PETE: They took my wife.
ROSE: She might still be alive.
PETE: That's even worse. 'Cos that's what Lumic does. He takes the living... and he turns them into those machines.
THE DOCTOR: Cybermen. (All eyes on him). They're called Cybermen. And I'd take those ear-pods off, if I were you.
Pete obliges and gives them to the Doctor.
THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): You never know... Lumic could be listening.
He disables them with his sonic screwdriver.
THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): But he's overreached himself. He's still just a businessman. He's assassinated the President. All we need to do is get to the City and inform the authorities. Because I promise you, this ends tonight.
INT. LUMIC'S HEADQUARTERS
Camera focuses on a Cyberman's head. There are several of them in Lumic's office, talking to him.
LUMIC: My everlasting children... tell me... how does it feel?
CYBERMAN: We feel nothing.
LUMIC: But in your mind? What do you think?
CYBERMAN: We think the same. We are uniform.
LUMIC: But you think of... what?
CYBERMAN: We think of the humans. We think of their difference and their pain. They suffer in the skin, they must be upgraded.
LUMIC: Excellent. Then let's begin! Computer, identify John Lumic.
COMPUTER: Voice print acknowledged.
LUMIC: Activate ear-pod primary sequence.
COMPUTER: Please state area of activation.
LUMIC: The City of London. I've just declared Independence. Begin transmission!
EXT. STREET
On a typical London street, people are going about their usual evening business. An alarm sounds and they all come to a halt, frozen in their tracks. The ear-pods flash.
INT. TYLER'S MANSION, CELLAR
The door creaks open in the basement. Jackie stands there, her ear-pods also flashing.
EXT. STREET
As one, the people on the street all turn and walk in the same direction.
INT. TYLER'S MANSION, CELLAR
Jackie marches up the stairs from the basement.
INT. LUMIC'S HEADQUARTERS
LUMIC: You will come to me. My dear children. The Immortal Ones.
INT. STUDIO
REPORTER (on TV, chaotic): All of London has been sealed off. There are reports of an army, an army of metal men. All citizens should remove their ear-pods. Repeat: remove all ear-pods. London has been placed under martial law. If you're hearing this, stay in your homes. I repeat: stay in your homes.
EXT. BATTERSEA POWER STATION
Mr Crane winces and clutches his ears. With some effort, he rips them from his ears.
MR CRANE: Oh no you don't.
EXT. STREET
The Doctor, Rose, Mickey, Pete and the Preachers are walking along the street where all the people are marching towards the same destination. They watch them, bemused.
JAKE: What the hell...?
ROSE: What's going on?
THE DOCTOR: It's the ear-pods. Lumic's taking control.
ROSE: Can't we just... I dunno, take them off?
She reaches up to one man to take his ear-pods out, but the Doctor stops her.
THE DOCTOR (warningly): Don't! Cause a brainstorm. Human Race, for such an intelligent lot, you aren't half susceptible. Give anyone a chance to take control and you submit. Sometimes I think you like it. Easy life.
JAKE: Hey.
Jake and Ricky are peering around the corner, crouching.
JAKE: Come and see.
The Doctor, Rose, Mickey and Pete join them in looking around the corner. A row of Cybermen march alongside the people under the control of the ear-pods, still heading in the same direction.
ROSE: Where are they all going?
THE DOCTOR: I don't know. Lumic must have a base of operation.
PETE: Battersea. That's where he was building his prototypes.
ROSE: Why's he doing it?
PETE: He's dying. This all started out as a way of life by keeping the brain alive. At any cost.
ROSE (to the Doctor): The thing is, I've seen Cybermen before, haven't I? That head, those handle shapes in Van Statten's museum.
THE DOCTOR: Ah, there are Cybermen in our universe. They started on an ordinary world just like this, then swarmed across the galaxy. This lot are a parallel version, and they're starting from scratch right here on earth.
PETE: What the hell are you two on about?
RICKY: Never mind that. Come on, we need to get out of the City.
The Cybermen are fast-approaching down the street.
RICKY: Okay, split up, Mrs Moore, you look after that bloke. Jake, distract them, go right, I'll go left, we'll meet back at Bridge Street. Move.
He runs off in one direction, Jake in the other. Mickey turns to Rose.
MICKEY: I'm going with him.
He kisses Rose briefly and follows Ricky.
MRS MOORE: Come on, let's go.
They run. The Cybermen march towards them.
MRS MOORE: There!
They run down a side alley, with some Cybermen in pursuit.
EXT. STREET
Ricky and Mickey come to a fork in the road and halt, out of breath and talking over each other.
MICKEY: Which way? I don't know where we are.
RICKY: Did they see us?
MICKEY: Do they know where we are?
RICKY: I think they saw us. I bet they can see in the dark...
MICKEY: I bet they got satellites...
RICKY: I bet they saw us in the dark...
MICKEY / RICKY: They know where we are.
They look at each other.
RICKY: I don't get it. What is it with you? You are exactly like me.
MICKEY: I dunno. I reckon you're braver.
RICKY: Oh yeah. Ten times. Still, your friends aren't bad. I'll give you that.
MICKEY: Oh, that's the Doctor and Rose. I just tag along behind.
RICKY: Well, then you're not that bad.
MICKEY: D'you think?
RICKY: Yeah, I suppose.
They hear the sound of marching feet behind them and spin around. The Cybermen are approaching.
MICKEY: Cybermen.
MICKEY / RICKY: Split up!
They dash off in opposite directions.
EXT. STREET
The Cybermen march down the street whilst the Doctor, Rose, Pete and Mrs Moore crouch hidden behind a pile of rubbish and dustbins. Rose clutches onto Pete's hand. The Cybermen stop as if they want to investigate the rubbish further, but the Doctor points his sonic screwdriver in their direction. It bleeps and they go on their way. Rose stands and lets go of Pete's hand. They glance at one other, he's clearly slightly bewildered by the way she's behaving towards him. They all stand warily and watch the Cybermen march off into the distance.
THE DOCTOR (whispers): Go.
They creep out from behind the dustbins and run in the opposite direction.
EXT. BATTERSEA POWER STATION
The people under the control of Lumic file out of the back of a lorry, including Jackie.
CYBERMAN'S VOICE: Chamber twelve now closed for sterlisation. All reject stock will be incinerated.
EXT. SIDE ALLEY
Ricky is running as fast as he can, but the Cybermen are hot on his tail. He is forced to change direction when he is met by another group of them. He runs down a side alley and finds his way blocked by a metal fence, which he rattles on, but the gate is locked. Mickey appears on the other side.
MICKEY: Come on!
Ricky is forced to start climbing the fence.
MICKEY (CONT'D) (growing urgency): Come on! Come on!
But it's too late: one of the Cybermen is close enough to reach out and grab hold of Ricky's foot, and he is electrocuted. He shouts out.
MICKEY (CONT'D): No!
Ricky falls backwards off the fence and lands in a heap on the ground. He is dead. There is a silence in Mickey, dismayed, looks from the body to the Cybermen, who are just standing there on the other side of the fence, watching him. He sniffs, stumbles backwards, and runs.
INT. LUMIC'S HEADQUARTERS
The Cybermen march Mr Crane to stand before Lumic.
CYBERMAN: This one is unprogrammed.
LUMIC: Mr Crane. I thought you were one of the faithful.
MR CRANE: Oh, that I am, sir. My ear-pod must've malfunctioned. For which I apologise.
Lumic squints at him suspiciously.
MR CRANE (CONT'D): If I er... might...?
Lumic nods his ascent, and Mr Crane takes a few steps closer to Lumic's wheelchair.
MR CRANE (CONT'D): I'd like to request an upgrade, sir. I've seen the future, and it's copyright Cybus Industries. Sign me up.
LUMIC: A willing volunteer.
MR CRANE: You've known me a long time, sir. Quite a team, you and me.
Lumic gives a smile that looks more like a grimace.
MR CRANE (CONT'D): I've been with you all the way. But believe me, sir, knowing you so well... I know exactly what to do.
He suddenly lunches forward and rips the breathing apparatus away from Lumic, ignoring his yells and protests. He smashes the life-support system built into the chair and it explodes.
LUMIC (desperately): Help me!
One of the Cybermen comes to his aid, sending Mr Crane flying across the room with one swipe of its arm.
MR CRANE: Die, you!
The Cybermen grabs hold of his neck and kills him.
LUMIC: Help me!
CYBERMAN: You are in pain. We can remove pain forever.
LUMIC (difficulty breathing): No! Not yet! I'm not ready.
CYBERMAN: We will give you immortality.
LUMIC: I've told you. I will upgrade. Only with my last breath!
The Cyberman stomps round to the back of Lumic's wheelchair.
CYBERMAN: Then breathe no more.
The Cyberman hits the logo on its chest and then they wheel Lumic out, ignoring his shouts.
LUMIC: No! No! I command you, no!
EXT. STREET
Jake runs back to where the Doctor, Rose and Pete are waiting.
JAKE: I ran past the river. You should've seen it, the whole City's on the watch. Hundreds of Cybermen all down the Thames.
Mickey runs down the street towards them, alone. Jake turns and his face lights up.
JAKE (CONT'D): Here he is!
Mickey does not reply. He comes to a halt. Jake furrows his brow.
JAKE (CONT'D): Which one are you?
The fact that something is wrong is written all over Mickey's face.
MICKEY: I'm sorry. The Cybermen. He couldn't...
JAKE: Are you Ricky? ARE YOU RICKY?
ROSE: Mickey, that's you, isn't it?
MICKEY: Yeah.
Rose runs to him and throws her arms around him. Jake is silent.
MICKEY (CONT'D) (to Jake): He tried. He was running...
Jake turns away.
MICKEY (CONT'D) (going after him): There was too many of them.
JAKE: Shut it.
His face contorts with pain.
MICKEY: There was nothing I could do.
JAKE (spinning around): I said just shut it. Don't even talk about him. You're nothing, you are.
Mickey's eyes are red and shining with tears. As are Jake's.
JAKE (CONT'D): Nothing.
THE DOCTOR (calmly): We can mourn him when London is safe. But now, we move on.
The group nod miserably.
EXT. THAMES EMBANKMENT, OPPOSITE POWER STATION
They walk up a slope which overlooks the river - Battersea is on the opposite bank.
THE DOCTOR: The whole of London's been sealed off, and the entire population's been taken inside that place. To be "converted".
ROSE: We've gotta get in there and shut it down.
MICKEY: How do we do that?
THE DOCTOR: Oh, I'll think of something.
MICKEY (indignantly): You're just making this up as you go along!
THE DOCTOR: Yuuuup. But I do it brilliantly.
Rose smirks. Mickey has to agree.
EXT. THAMES EMBANKMENT, OPPOSITE POWER STATION
Mrs Moore has her laptop out, and has a 3D model on the screen.
MRS MOORE: That's a schematic of the old factory. Look, cooling tunnels... underneath the plant... big enough to walk through.
Everyone is crowded around the laptop on a bench, except Jake, who stands some distance away, not really listening.
THE DOCTOR (indicating): We go under there and up into the control centre?
MRS MOORE: Hmm.
PETE: There's another way in. (Everyone looks at him). Through the front door. If they've taken Jackie for upgrading, that's how she'll get in...
JAKE (finally going over to them): We can't just go strolling up.
MRS MOORE: Or, we could... with these...
She takes some ear-pods from her bag. The Doctor takes one.
MRS MOORE: Fake ear-pods. Dead. No signal. But put them on, the Cybermen would mistake you for one of the crowd.
PETE: Then that's my job.
THE DOCTOR: You'd have to show no emotion. None at all. Any sign of emotion would give you away.
ROSE (to Mrs Moore): How many of those have you got?
MRS MOORE: Just two sets.
ROSE: Okay. If that's the best way of finding Jackie... I'm coming with you.
She gets up and stands next to Pete.
PETE: Why does she matter to you?
ROSE: We haven't got time. Doctor, I'm going with him, and that's that.
THE DOCTOR (staring at her): No stopping you, is there?
ROSE: Nope.
THE DOCTOR (chucking her the ear-pods): Tell you what... we can take the ear-pods at the same time. Give people their minds back. So they don't walk into that place like sheep. Jakey-boy?
The Doctor leads Jake further up the hill for a better look at Battersea and the zeppelin stationed above it.
THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): Lumic's transmitting the control signal, and it must be from over there...
He points the sonic screwdriver in that general direction. It bleeps.
THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): There it is... on the zeppelin, see? Great big transmitter. Good thing Lumic likes showing off. Reckon you could take it out?
JAKE (smiling, pleased): Consider it done.
The Doctor pats him on the shoulder and goes back to the others.
THE DOCTOR: Mrs Moore... would you care to accompany me into the cooling tunnels?
MRS MOORE: How could I refuse an offer of cooling tunnels?
THE DOCTOR (taking his glasses off): We attack on three sides, above, between - below. We get to the control centre, we stop the conversion machines.
MICKEY: What about me?
He's standing slightly apart from the group, forgotten. Again. Everyone looks over at him like they've only just remembered he's there.
THE DOCTOR (wrong-footed): Mickey! You can... ahm...
MICKEY: What, stay out of trouble? Be the tin dog? No, those days are over. I'm going with Jake.
JAKE: I don't need you, idiot.
MICKEY (bursts out of him, angrily): I'm not an idiot! You got that?! (Calm again). I'm offering to help.
JAKE: Whatever.
He walks off. Mickey follows him. The Doctor watches closely.
THE DOCTOR: Mickey?
Mickey turns back.
THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): Good luck.
MICKEY: Yeah. You too. Rose, I'll see you later.
ROSE: Yeah, you better.
THE DOCTOR: If we survive this, I'll see you back at the TARDIS.
He smiles at Mickey, eyes intense. Mickey nods.
MICKEY: That's a promise.
He walks away again with a smile on his face, confidence restored. He glances over his shoulder in time to see the Doctor envelope Rose in a tight hug. She grins up at him.
THE DOCTOR: Good luck.
Rose nods. Mickey turns away, no longer smiling.
INT. COOLING TUNNELS
A trap door opens into the cooling tunnels. Mrs Moore descends a ladder, followed by the Doctor.
MRS MOORE: It's freezing here.
THE DOCTOR: Any sign of a light switch?
MRS MOORE (laughs): Can't see a thing. But I've got these...
She rummages through her bag and hands the Doctor a light that can be tied round his head.
MRS MOORE (CONT'D): A device for every occasion...
THE DOCTOR: Ooh!
MRS MOORE: Put it on.
She finds one for herself. They put them on.
THE DOCTOR: Haven't got a hotdog in there, have you? I'm starving.
Mrs Moore laughs.
MRS MOORE: Of all the things to wish for! That's mechanically recovered meat!
THE DOCTOR: I know. It's the Cyberman of food, but it's tasty.
MRS MOORE (handing him a torch): A proper torch as well.
THE DOCTOR: Let's see where we are.
He switches the torch on and takes a few steps forward. The first thing the light falls on is a Cyberman. There are hundreds of them lining the cooling tunnels, but they are lifeless.
THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): Already converted, just paralysed. Come on!
He walks forward, ready to start the journey down the cooling tunnels. After a moments hesitation, Mrs Moore follows. The Doctor pauses and raps one on the nose (or where the nose should be) which elicits no response.
THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): Let's go slowly. Keep an eye out for trip systems.
They edge slowly and warily down the tunnel, past lifeless Cyberman after lifeless Cyberman.
EXT. BATTERSEA POWER STATION
A huge truck drives away from the power station. A row of Cybermen march in the opposite direction. The whole place is very busy.
CYBERMAN'S VOICE: Chamber six now open for human upgrading.
Rose and Pete dart along the side of the building, trying to remain unseen.
CYBERMAN'S VOICE (CONT'D): Chamber seven now open for human upgrading.
A row of brain-dead people march alongside the Cybermen. Pete and Rose are crouched out of sight.
CYBERMAN'S VOICE (CONT'D): Chamber eight now open for human upgrading.
PETE (referring to the ear-pods): Just put them on. Don't show any emotion. No signs, nothing. Okay?
ROSE: Don't worry. We can do it.
CYBERMAN'S VOICE: Chamber seven now open for human upgrading.
They put their ear-pods in place.
PETE: We could die in here. Why are you doing this?
ROSE: Let's just say I'm doing it for my mum and dad. Right, let's go.
They come out of their hiding place.
CYBERMAN'S VOICE: Chamber eight now open for human upgrading.
Pete gives Rose's hand a squeeze before they join the line of people filing into the building for upgrading.
CYBERMAN'S VOICE (CONT'D): Chamer nine now open for human upgrading. chamber ten now open for human upgrading. Chamber eleven now open for human upgrading.
Rose and Pete file after the other humans, in line, not a flicker of emotion on their faces.
EXT. BATTERSEA POWER STATION, ROOF
Jake has climbed a ladder to the roof of the building, over which the zeppelin is parked. He smiles. Mickey follows him. Jake creeps stealthily behind a wall to avoid being noticed by the guards standing beneath the zeppelin, and beckons to Mickey who follows.
JAKE: Two guards. We can take them.
MICKEY: Don't kill them.
JAKE: Who put you in charge?
MICKEY: If you kill them, what's the difference between you and a Cyberman?
Jake pauses.
JAKE: Well, I suppose we could use these.
He hands Mickey a small corked bottle.
MICKEY: Smelling salts?
JAKE: Bit stronger than that. One of Mrs Moore's little tricks. Should knock them out. Three, two, one...
They run out from behind the wall and creep up behind the guards. They grab them from behind and shove the 'smelling salts' under their noses. They're unconscious in seconds.
MICKEY: There's gotta be more guards on board.
JAKE: Then let's go get them.
They start up the ladder to the zeppelin.
INT. COOLING TUNNELS
The Doctor and Mrs Moore are still making their way stealthily along the tunnel.
THE DOCTOR: How did you get into this, then? Rattling along with the Preachers?
MRS MOORE: Oh, I used to be ordinary. Worked at Cybus Industries. '95. 'Til one day, I find something I'm not supposed to. A file on the mainframe. All I did was read it. Then suddenly, I've got men with guns knocking in the middle of the night. Life on the run. Then I found the Preachers. They needed a techy, so I... I just sat down and taught myself everything.
THE DOCTOR: What about Mr Moore?
MRS MOORE: Well, he's not called Moore. I got that from a book, Mrs Moore. It's safer not to use real names. But he thinks I'm dead. It was the only way to keep him safe. Him and the kids. What about you? Got any family, or...?
THE DOCTOR: Oh, who needs family? I've got the whole world on my shoulders. Go on then, what's your real name?
MRS MOORE: Angela Price.
The Doctor nods, smiling.
MRS MOORE (CONT'D): Don't tell a soul.
THE DOCTOR: Not a word.
Behind them, a red button behind a Cyberman lights up and starts bleeping quietly The Cyberman slowly turns its head.
INT. LUMIC'S HEADQUARTERS
An alarm goes off on a computer. A Cyberman strides over to it.
CYBERMAN 1: Movement in Deepcold Six.
CYBERMAN 2: Awaken the army.
INT. COOLING TUNNELS
A Cyberman's hand twitches slightly.
MRS MOORE (scared): Doctor? Did that one just move?
THE DOCTOR: It's just the torchlight. Keep going, come on.
Another one, just in front of them, definitely turns.
THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): They're waking up... Run!
They run down the cooling tunnel as fast as they can. As they go, the Cybermen spring to life, one after another. They begin to march forwards just as they reach the ladder at the end of the tunnel. They scramble to get up it.
MRS MOORE: Get up! Quick! They're coming!
The Doctor attempts to open the seal with his sonic screwdriver.
MRS MOORE: Open it! Open it!
The Doctor succeeds and tosses the door aside.
MRS MOORE (CONT'D): Get up!
They climb up the ladder as fast as they can.
MRS MOORE (CONT'D): Quick! Quick!
THE DOCTOR: Come on! Come on!
They climb out of the trapdoor, the Cybermen are following, but they manage to slam the door closed just in time. The Doctor seals it with his sonic screwdriver.
THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): Oh, good team, Mrs Moore!
Mrs Moore nods.
INT. BATTERSEA POWER STATION, CYBER-CONVERSION FLOOR
Rose and Pete now file along inside the factory.
CYBERMAN'S VOICE: Units upgrading now five-thousand-five-hundred. Repeat: six-thousand-five-hundred and rising.
They walk along, emotionless, along with hordes of others. A Cybermen steps out in front of Rose and stops her going any further.
CYBERMAN: You will wait.
It moves on.
PETE: Are you okay?
ROSE (frightened): No.
CYBERMAN'S VOICE: Chamber Six now open for human upgrading.
The people file forwards, ready to be upgraded. Flames align themselves above incinerators.
CYBERMAN'S VOICE (CONT'D): All reject stock will be incinerated.
A walks into a cell, the doors closing on her. The blades swoop down on her, converting her... a Cyberman's head is lowered down. The camera pulls out and there are hundreds of conversion machines all working simultaneously.
PETE: Any sign of Jackie?
A Cyberman turns as though at the sound of his voice. Pete freezes. The Cyberman considers him and stomps over to him.
CYBERMAN: You are Peter Tyler. Confirm: you are Peter Tyler.
PETE (uncertainly): Confirmed.
CYBERMAN: I recognise you. I went first. My name was Jacqueline Tyler.
ROSE (before she can stop herself): No!
PETE: What?!
CYBERMAN: They are unprogrammed. Restrain.
PETE (desperately): You're lying. You're not her! You're not my Jackie!
Several Cybermen step forwards, ready to restrain him and Rose. Pete lunges forwards to the Cyberman who was Jackie.
CYBERMAN: No. I am Cyber-form. Once I was Jacqueline Tyler.
ROSE (horrified): But you Ccan't be... not her...!
CYBERMAN: Her brain is inside this body.
PETE: Jacks, I came to save you.
CYBERMAN: This man worked with Cybus Industries to create our species. He will be rewarded by force. Take them to Cyber Control.
The Jackie-Cyberman stomps away. Rose and Pete are grabbed from behind and marched away.
ROSE: They killed her... they just took her and killed her!
PETE: Maybe there's a chance, I dunno. Maybe we can reverse it.
ROSE: There's nothing we can do.
PETE: But if... if she remembers...
They turn and strain to see Jackie - there are hordes and hordes of Cybermen, and they all look identical.
PETE (CONT'D): Where is she? Which one was it? Which one was her?
ROSE: They all look the same!
They are shoved roughly forwards again.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. LUMIC'S ZEPPELIN, CONTROL ROOM
Having successfully drugged another guard, Mickey and Jake enter the control room of the zeppelin.
JAKE ;: Nice one. (Seeing the room deserted). Nobody's home. Find the transmitter controls.
MICKEY: What do they look like?
JAKE: Well, I don't know, they might have "TRANSMITTER CONTROLS" written in big red letters, just look!
They both look around the control room. Mickey turns and jumps to see a Cyberman standing in a dark alcove.
JAKE (CONT'D): Cyberman!
He points his gun at it. But it doesn't move. Confused, Jake moves closer and turns a light switch, illuminating the alcove. Mickey also takes a few steps closer to examine it. It becomes apparent that it is lifeless.
MICKEY: It's dead. I don't think it was ever alive.
He taps it on the head. It sounds hollow.
MICKEY (CONT'D): It's empty. No brain. It's just a robot suit. It's for display.
JAKE: Okay. Transmitter.
They head off in different directions to search for the transmitter. The camera closes in on the lifeless Cyberman.
INT. COOLING TUNNELS
The Doctor and Mrs Moore edge along a dark, metal corridor. Suddenly, a Cyberman steps out in front of them. They both jump.
CYBERMAN: You are not upgraded.
MRS MOORE: Yeah? Well, upgrade this.
She throws a small metal device at the Cyberman - it sticks to its chest. It sparks and causes the Cyberman to be electrocuted. It shakes and jerks, and then slumps to the floor. The Doctor looks delighted.
THE DOCTOR: What the hell was that thing?!
They approach the body.
MRS MOORE: Electromagnetic bomb. Takes out computers, I figured it might stop the cyber-suit.
THE DOCTOR: You figured right. Now, let's have a look...
He takes out his sonic screwdriver, bends down and holds it to the Cybus logo on its chest.
THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): Now... know your enemy... and the logo on the front... Lumic's turned them into a brand.
He takes the logo off so that they can see inside the Cyberman.
THE DOCTOR (CONT'D) (showing Mrs Moore): Heart of steel... but look...
He puts his fingers inside the Cyberman, and draws out some bodily tissues.
MRS MOORE: Is that flesh?
THE DOCTOR: Hmmm... central nervous system. Artificially grown then threaded throughout the suit so it responds like a living thing. Well, it is a living thing. Oh, but look...
He carefully fingers an electronic chip.
THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): Emotional inhibitor. Stops them feeling anything.
MRS MOORE: But... why?
THE DOCTOR: It's still got a human brain... imagine its reaction if it could see itself. Realise itself inside this thing. They'd go insane...
MRS MOORE: So they cut out the one thing that makes them human.
THE DOCTOR: Because they have to.
CYBERMAN: Why am I cold?
MRS MOORE: Oh, my God. It's alive. It can feel.
THE DOCTOR: We broke the inhibitor. (Leans over the Cyberman, touches its head. Sincerely...): I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
CYBERMAN: Why so cold?
THE DOCTOR: Can you remember your name?
CYBERMAN: Sally. Sally Phelan.
MRS MOORE: You're a woman...
CYBERMAN: Where's Gareth?
MRS MOORE: Who's Gareth?
CYBERMAN: He can't see me. It's unlucky the night before.
MRS MOORE: You're getting married.
CYBERMAN: I'm cold. I'm so cold.
THE DOCTOR (quietly): Sorry. You sleep now, Sally. Just go to sleep.
He points the sonic screwdriver just inside the suit. The blue light inside goes out.
THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): Sally Phelan didn't die for nothing. (It dawns on him). 'Cos that's the key. The emotional inhibitor, if we could find the code behind it, the cancellation code, then feed it throughout the system into every Cyberman's head...
Mrs Moore nods.
THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): They'd realise what they are...
MRS MOORE: And what happens then?
THE DOCTOR: I think it would kill them. (Brow furrows). Could we do that?
MRS MOORE: We've got to. Before they kill everyone else.
The Doctor looks as though he is finding this decision hard.
MRS MOORE (CONT'D): There's no choice, Doctor. It's got to be done.
She stands. The Doctor is still staring at Sally's body. Neither of them notice that a Cyberman is standing right behind Mrs Moore. It grabs her by the neck and kills her. The Doctor stands in horror.
THE DOCTOR (furious): No! No! You didn't have to kill her!
CYBERMAN: Sensors detect a binary vascular system. You are an unknown upgrade. You will be taken for analysis.
The Doctor, looking disgusted by them, allows himself to be lead off by two other Cybermen.
INT. LUMIC'S ZEPPELIN, CONTROL ROOM
Jake goes over to Mickey who is standing by a panel which does indeed have "TRANSMITTER CONTROLS" written on it in large letters.
MICKEY: The transmitter controls are sealed behind here, we need like, an oxyacetylene or something.
JAKE (sarcastically): Oh, no I forgot to bring it with me.
MICKEY: Well, then what do we do?
JAKE: We'll crash the zeppelin.
MICKEY: With us inside it?
JAKE: We could set it to automatic and then just leg it! Let's have a look.
They go over to the controls. Jake taps on the keyboard and shakes his head.
JAKE (CONT'D): It's locked. There's gotta be an override...
MICKEY (shoving Jake out of the way): Let me have a go. I'm good with computers, trust me.
Mickey taps on the keyboard and Jake watches. They are oblivious to tiny red light that has just started flashing and beeping quietly behind the cyber-suit.
INT. BATTERSEA POWER STATION, CONTROL ROOM
The Doctor is marched into the main control room of Battersea. Rose and Pete are both there too, by the computers.
THE DOCTOR: I've been captured, but don't worry, Rose and Pete are still out there, they can rescue me... oh well, never mind. (to Rose): You okay?
ROSE: Yeah. But they got Jackie.
PETE: We were too late. Lumic killed her.
THE DOCTOR (raising his voice, looking around): Then where is he? The famous Mr Lumic? Don't we get the chance to meet our Lord and Master?
CYBERMAN: He has been upgraded.
THE DOCTOR: So he's just like you?
CYBERMAN: He is superior. The Lumic Unit has been designated Cyber Controller.
They all turn as the sliding doors open. Mr Lumic, now as a Cyberman, rolls through them. He is sitting on an elaborate chair, covered with wires and tubes. Pete stands in amazement.
LUMIC: This is The Age of Steel and I am its Creator.
INT. LUMIC'S ZEPPELIN, CONTROL ROOM
MICKEY: Almost there.
He's still tapping on the computer.
JAKE (approvingly): Not bad work.
The Cyberman behind them flexes its fingers. It raises its arm and steps out of the alcove.
JAKE (CONT'D): It's moving!
They move hurriedly out of the way.
JAKE (CONT'D): You said it was dead!
MICKEY: Yeah. But he's still a steel robot.
Jake points his gun at it. Mickey pushes his hand down.
MICKEY: Wait a minute. Hey, Cyberman, over here.
The Cyberman turns.
MICKEY (CONT'D) (with anticipation): Come on, you brainless lump of metal.
It stomps towards them, and Mickey beckons it forward.
MICKEY (CONT'D): Come and have a go!
The Cyberman raises its fist, ready to strike, Mickey and Jake duck out of the way at the last second, and its fist slams into the transmitter controls. It explodes with blue electricity, destroying both the controls and the Cyberman.
INT. BATTERSEA POWER STATION, CYBER-CONVERSION FLOOR
The ear-pods on the people marching into the factory flash and are deactivated. The people wake up'and with horror, realise where they are.
WOMAN: Oh no!
They all shriek and start running in different directions.
INT. LUMIC'S ZEPPELIN, CONTROL ROOM
MICKEY (jovially): The transmitter's down!
Mickey and Jake hug excitedly.
EXT. BATTERSEA POWER STATION
The people flee out of the power station, screaming and knocking the cybermen out of the way.
INT. BATTERSEA POWER STATION, CONTROL ROOM
The Doctor, Rose and Pete hear the screams clearly from Lumic's control room. The Cybermen look around.
THE DOCTOR: That's my friends at work. Good boys! Mr Lumic, I think that's a vote for free will.
He winks.
LUMIC: I have factories waiting on seven continents. If the ear-pods have failed, then Cybermen will take humanity by force. London has fallen. So shall the world.
INT. LUMIC'S ZEPPELIN, CONTROL ROOM
MICKEY: Hold on, I've logged on to Cyber Control.
He has managed to hack into a security camera of sorts overlooking Cyber Control, where the Doctor is.
MICKEY (CONT'D) (beaming): They're alive! The Doctor and Rose, there they are!
JAKE: Never mind them, what the hell is that thing?
He points to Lumic.
MICKEY: Shh. Has this thing got sound?
He taps on the keyboard which gives them audio.
INT. BATTERSEA POWER STATION, CONTROL ROOM
LUMIC: I will bring peace to the world. Everlasting peace, and unity, and uniformity.
THE DOCTOR: And imagination? What about that? The one thing that lead you here. Imagination, you're killing it, dead!
LUMIC: What is your name?
THE DOCTOR: I'm the Doctor.
LUMIC: A redundant title. Doctors need not exist. Cybermen never sicken.
THE DOCTOR (stepping forwards in his enthusiasm): Yeah, but that's it! That's exactly the point! (Despairingly). Oh, Lumic, you're a clever man... I'd call you a genius, except I'm in the room. But everything you've invented, you did to fight your sickness. And that's brilliant. That is so human. But once you get rid of sickness and mortality, then what's there to strive for? Eh? The Cybermen won't advance. You'll just stop! You'll stay like this forever. A metal Earth with metal men and metal thoughts. Lacking the one thing that makes this planet so alive. People. Ordinary, stupid, brilliant people.
LUMIC: You are proud of your emotions?
THE DOCTOR: Oh, yes.
LUMIC: Then tell me, Doctor, have you known grief, and rage, and pain?
THE DOCTOR: Yes. Yes, I have.
LUMIC: And they hurt?
THE DOCTOR: Oh yes.
LUMIC: I could set you free. Would you not want that? A life without pain?
THE DOCTOR: You might as well kill me.
LUMIC: Then I take that option.
THE DOCTOR: It's not yours to take. You're a cyber controller. You don't control me or anything with blood in its heart.
LUMIC: You have no means of stopping me. I have an army. A species of my own.
The Doctor puts his face in his palm, exasperated.
THE DOCTOR: You just don't get it, do you? An army's nothing. 'Cos those ordinary people, they're the key. (Glances at the security camera). The most ordinary person could change the world.
INT. LUMIC'S ZEPPELIN, CONTROL ROOM
Mickey nods at this.
THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): Some ordinary man or woman... some idiot...
Mickey's head jerks up. He stares.
THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): All it takes is for him to find, say, the right numbers... say, the right codes... say, for for example, the code behind the emotional inhibitor. The code right in front of him. 'Cos even an idiot knows how to use computers these days.
Mickey's mouth is open. He's starting to catch on.
THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): Knows how to get past firewalls and passwords... knows how to find something encrypted in the Lumic Family Database, under... what was it, Pete? Binary what?
PETE (loudly): Binary 9.
MICKEY (whispers): Binary 9.
He begins to type. The code starts to appear number by number on the screen.
THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): An idiot could find that code. The cancellation code. And he'd keep on typing. Keep on fighting. (Looks meaningfully into the camera). Anything to save his friends...
INT. BATTERSEA POWER STATION, CONTROL ROOM
LUMIC: Your words are irrelevant.
THE DOCTOR (grinning): Talk too much, that's my problem. Lucky I got you that cheap tariff, Rose. For all our long chats. On your phone.
Another meaningful glance into the camera. Does the "phone" sign.
INT. LUMIC'S ZEPPELIN, CONTROL ROOM
MICKEY: The phone...
He takes out his own mobile.
INT. BATTERSEA POWER STATION, CONTROL ROOM
LUMIC: You will be deleted.
THE DOCTOR: Yes, delete, control, hash, all those lovely buttons.
INT. LUMIC'S ZEPPELIN, CONTROL ROOM
Mickey types the numbers into his phone as a text message.
INT. BATTERSEA POWER STATION, CONTROL ROOM
THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): Then of course, my particular favourite, send.
INT. LUMIC'S ZEPPELIN, CONTROL ROOM
Mickey presses "send".
INT. BATTERSEA POWER STATION, CONTROL ROOM
THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): And let's not forget how you seduced all those ordinary people in the first place.
Rose's phone beeps, indicating that she has just received a message.
THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): By making every bit of technology compatible with everything else...
He loiters by one particular computer.
ROSE: It's for you.
She chucks him her phone. He catches it.
THE DOCTOR: Like this.
He shoves it into a port. It fits perfectly. All hell breaks loose and the cybermen clutch onto their heads, moaning. The code flashes on every single computer screen.
INT. LUMIC'S ZEPPELIN, CONTROL ROOM
Mickey and Jake jump up and down in delight.
MICKEY AND JAKE: Yes!
INT. BATTERSEA POWER STATION, CONTROL ROOM
The Cybermen, all over the factory, fall around and start twitching, crying out and clutching their metal skulls. One of them has caught sight of their reflection in a piece of metal and is whimpering and touching its face and fingering its reflection.
THE DOCTOR: I'm sorry.
EXT. BATTERSEA POWER STATION
Outside, one of the Cybermen falls to its knees and its head explodes.
INT. BATTERSEA POWER STATION, CONTROL ROOM
LUMIC (furiously): What have you done??
THE DOCTOR: I gave them back their souls. They can see what you've done, Lumic! And it's killing them.
The Doctor, Rose and Pete run from the room.
LUMIC: Delete! Delete! Delete!
INT. BATTERSEA POWER STATION
Small explosions erupt all over the factory, whilst the Doctor, Rose and Pete run for their lives, looking for a way out. They try one door but find the way blocked by wailing Cybermen. The Doctor shuts it again.
THE DOCTOR: There's no way out!
INT. LUMIC'S ZEPPELIN
Jake begins to turn the wheel of the zeppelin.
MICKEY :What're you doing?
JAKE: We've gotta get away. If that factory blows up, this balloon's gonna ignite!
MICKEY (angrily): Take it back!
JAKE: Mickey, they've had it!
MICKEY: I said: Take it back!
The zeppelin starts to drift away. Mickey shoves Jake away from the wheel.
MICKEY (CONT'D): We're not leaving them behind.
He turns it the other way. Jake tries to turn it the opposite way again.
MICKEY (CONT'D) (pushing him away): There's no way we're leaving them behind!
He turns the wheel.
EXT. OVER BATTERSEA POWER STATION
The zeppelin is aligned above the roof properly once more. An explosion shakes it.
INT. LUMIC'S ZEPPELIN
Mickey thrusts his mobile into Jake's hand.
MICKEY: Hold it!
Jake holds it to Mickey's ear.
MICKEY (CONT'D): Rose?
INT. BATTERSEA POWER STATION
Rose has her phone to her ear.
MICKEY: Rose, can you hear me? Head for the roof!
ROSE (to the Doctor and Pete): It's Mickey. He says "head for the roof".
The three of them run up a flight of stairs, trying to avoid the explosions and flames. Lumic roars with fury and pulls the tubes binding him to the chair off himself. He stands, roaring with rage.
EXT. BATTERSEA POWER STATION, ROOF
Rose has reached the top of the ladder to the roof. She leaps over the wall, followed by the Doctor and Pete. They halt when they see the zeppelin.
ROSE: Mickey, where'd you learn to fly that thing?!
INT. LUMIC'S ZEPPELIN
MICKEY: Playstation. Just hold on, Rose. I'm coming to get you.
EXT. BATTERSEA POWER STATION, ROOF
Rose, the Doctor and Pete bolt forwards, flinching at the random explosions all around them.
INT. LUMIC'S ZEPPELIN
JAKE (trying to take the wheel): You can't go any lower...
MICKEY (taking it back): I've got to!
JAKE: You're gonna crush them!
Mickey looks at him, seeing the logic in that.
MICKEY: There's got to be something. There's got to be. (And he sees it). Oh yes.
He rushes over to a lever and pulls it, which opens a hatch and releases a rope ladder down to the roof.
EXT. BATTERSEA POWER STATION, ROOF
Rose, the Doctor and Pete run to it.
THE DOCTOR: You've got to be kidding. Rose, get up!
Rose starts to climb the ladder.
INT. LUMIC'S ZEPPELIN
Mickey pushes a lever.
MICKEY: Hold on tight, we're going up! (Jake grins). Welcome to Mickey's Airlines. Please enjoy your flight. Woo!
He laughs, spinning the wheel.
EXT. BATTERSEA POWER STATION, ROOF
Rose, the Doctor and Pete are clinging to the rope ladder as the zeppelin rises up and away.
ROSE (exultant): We did it! We did it!
Pete struggles up the ladder. It is suddenly jerked downwards. Rose screams as they nearly fall off. They look down, and Lumic is hanging onto the bottom rungs. He starts to climb up after them. The Doctor takes his sonic screwdriver out of his jacket pocket.
THE DOCTOR (shouting down): Pete! Take this!
He drops it into Pete's outstretched hand.
THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): Use it! Hold the button down! Press it against the rope, just do it!
PETE: Jackie Tyler, this is for her!
He presses the button down and holds the sonic screwdriver against the rope ladder. Lumic is getting closer and closer. For a moment it seems like it isn't going to work, but then the rope finally snaps. Lumic falls down to earth in slow motion.
LUMIC: Nooooooo!
Pete laughs with delight. Lumic falls into the flames below. Pete, Rose and the Doctor begin to struggle up the ladder again as the zeppelin carries them away to safety.
INT. TARDIS
The Doctor goes into the dark TARDIS, carrying the power cell. He puts it in place, and the TARDIS springs to life. The lights come back on and it begins to hum again. A huge grin spreads across the Doctor's face.
EXT. THAMES EMBANKMENT
Rose and Pete are outside the TARDIS.
PETE (nodding towards it): So, what happens inside that thing, then?
ROSE (quickly): Do you wanna see?
PETE: No, I don't think so. But you two, you know, all that stuff about different worlds... Who are you?
ROSE: It's like you say. Imagine there are different worlds. Parallel worlds. Worlds with another Pete Tyler... Jackie Tyler's still alive... and their daughter...
She says it carefully, looking into his eyes. Realisation dawns on him.
PETE: I've gotta go...
ROSE (stopping him): But if you just look inside...
PETE: No, I can't. There's all those Lumic factories out there. All those Cybermen still in storage. Someone's got to tell the authorities what happened. Carry on the fine...
THE DOCTOR (stepping out of the TARDIS): Rose?
They look around. He jogs over to them.
THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): I've only got five minutes of power... we've gotta go.
ROSE (to Pete): The Doctor could show ya...
PETE: Thank you. For everything.
Rose has tears in her eyes, now. She's looking at him intensely.
ROSE: Dad.
PETE: Don't. Just... just don't.
He walks away. The Doctor scratches the back of his neck as he always does when he's uncomfortable, and looks at Rose. Mickey and Jake approach, Mickey holding the Doctor's suit.
MICKEY: Here it is! I found it. Not a crease.
THE DOCTOR (taking it, overjoyed): My suit! Good man! Now then, Jake, we've gotta run. But one more thing; Mrs Moore. Her real name is Angela Price. She's got a husband out there. And children. Find them. Tell them how she died saving the world.
JAKE: Yeah, course I will.
THE DOCTOR: Off we go, then!
MICKEY: Uh... thing is, I'm staying.
THE DOCTOR (staring): You're doing what?
ROSE (also staring, already upset): You can't.
MICKEY (voice trembling): It sort of balances out, 'cos this world lost its Ricky. But there's me. And there's work to be done with all those Cybermen still out there.
ROSE: But you can't stay.
MICKEY: Rose, my gran's here. She's still alive. My old gran, remember her?
Rose tries to hold her tears back.
ROSE: Yeah.
MICKEY: She needs me.
ROSE: What about me? What if I need you?
MICKEY: Yeah, but Rose... you don't. It's just you and him, isn't it? (Looks at the Doctor, and then back to Rose). We had something a long time ago, but... not anymore.
ROSE (grasping at straws): Well... we'll come back. We can travel anywhere, come and see you, yeah?
THE DOCTOR: We can't. I told you, travel between parallel worlds is impossible. We only got here by accident. We... we fell through a crack in time. When we leave... I've got to close it. We can't ever return.
He looks at Mickey, as if asking him if this is really what he wants. Rose looks defeated. Mickey glances at her, then holds his hand out to the Doctor.
MICKEY: Doctor.
He shakes his hand.
THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): Take Rose's phone. It's got the code. Get it out there. Stop those factories.
Mickey nods.
THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): And good luck. Mickey the Idiot.
He slaps his cheek with a twinkle in his eye.
MICKEY: Watch it!
The Doctor saunters back to the TARDIS and slips inside. Rose gives Mickey her phone. He puts it inside his pocket.
MICKEY (CONT'D): Thanks. We've had a laugh though, haven't we?
Rose nods, tearful.
MICKEY (CONT'D): Seen it all, been there and back... who would have thought, me and you off the old estate, flying through the stars?
ROSE: All those years just sitting there... imagining what we'd do one day... (Voice breaks). We never saw this, did we?
They put their arms around each other for a final embrace.
MICKEY: Go on, you'll miss your flight.
Rose clutches Mickey tighter, burying her head in his shoulder. When she pulls away, she can't look at him. She goes back to the TARDIS, sobbing. When she reaches the threshold, she looks back at him one last time, and then goes inside, closing the door behind her.
MICKEY (CONT'D): Jake, you wanna watch this.
Jake goes to stand next to Mickey as the TARDIS dematerialises.
JAKE (incredulous): What... the hell?
MICKEY: That's the Doctor... in the TARDIS... with Rose Tyler.
INT. TYLERS' FLAT, KITCHEN
Jackie is at the kitchen sink, filling the kettle up, when she hears the TARDIS materialise in her living room.
INT. TYLER'S FLAT, LIVING ROOM
She rushes out to investigate. Rose opens the door and gazes at her.
ROSE: You're alive...
Jackie raises her eyebrows.
ROSE (CONT'D): Oh, mum. You're alive.
She flings her arms around her. Jackie seems slightly nonplussed but pleased to see her nonetheless.
JACKIE: Well, I was the last time I looked...
The Doctor steps out of the TARDIS and watches them.
JACKIE (CONT'D): What is it? What's happened, sweetheart?
Rose just clings tighter to her, eyes screwed shut.
JACKIE (CONT'D) (looking at the Doctor): What's wrong? Where did you go?
THE DOCTOR: Far away. That was... far away.
JACKIE: Where's Mickey?
THE DOCTOR: He's gone home.
Jackie hugs Rose back comfortingly.
INT. VAN
Mickey and Jake get back inside the blue van. Mickey turns to him.
MICKEY: I know it's not easy with my face looking exactly like Ricky. But I'm a different man. I'm not replacing him. But we can remember him by fighting in his name.
Jake nods.
MICKEY (CONT'D): With all those Cyber factories out there, do you think they'll be one in Paris?
JAKE (nodding): Yeah.
MICKEY: Then, let's go and liberate Paris.
JAKE (skeptically): What, you and me? In a van?
MICKEY: Nothing wrong with a van. I once saved the universe with a big yellow truck.
Jake grins. They start the engine and drive away. The camera pans up to the star-spangled heavens with a half moon. A shooting star flashes across the sky. | Plan: A: Cybermen; Q: What are the EarPod-wearing population converted into? A: Battersea Power Station; Q: Where does the group escape from the Cybermen? A: London's EarPod-wearing population; Q: Who does Lumic use a transmitter to control? A: Ricky; Q: Who is killed by the Cybermen? A: The group; Q: Who splits into three smaller groups to stop the conversion? A: Rose; Q: Who does Mickey think prefers the Doctor? A: Pete; Q: Who cuts the ladder Lumic was climbing up? A: the Cyber Controller; Q: What does Lumic become after the Doctor, Rose and Pete are captured? A: Mickey; Q: Who hacks Lumic's database? A: Jake; Q: Who does Mickey decide to stay with to help fix the parallel universe? A: the transmitter; Q: What did Mickey and Jake disable on the zeppelin? A: Lumic's database; Q: What does Mickey hack to find the code to cancel every Cyberman's emotional inhibitor? A: Rose's phone; Q: Where does Mickey send the code to cancel every Cyberman's emotional inhibitor? A: the computer systems; Q: Where does the Doctor plug Rose's phone into? A: despair; Q: What emotion do the Cybermen go into when the Doctor sends the signal to Rose's phone? A: the exploding factory; Q: Where do the Doctor, Rose, and Pete escape on the zeppelin? A: the ladder; Q: What does Pete cut to send Lumic to his death? Summary: Escaping from the Cybermen, the group go to Battersea Power Station , where Lumic uses a transmitter to control London's EarPod-wearing population and send them to be converted into Cybermen. On the way, Ricky is killed by the Cybermen. The group splits into three smaller groups to stop the conversion. Eventually, Mrs Moore is killed and the Doctor, Rose and Pete are captured by the Cybermen and taken to Lumic, who has become the Cyber Controller. Mickey and Jake disable the transmitter on the zeppelin , freeing the humans who had not been converted. Mickey hacks Lumic's database to find the code to cancel every Cyberman's emotional inhibitor and sends it to Rose's phone; the Doctor plugs the phone into the computer systems which changes the signal and sends the Cybermen into despair. They escape the exploding factory on the zeppelin and Pete cuts the ladder Lumic is climbing up, sending him to his death. Mickey decides to stay and help fix the parallel universe with Jake, as he understands Rose prefers the Doctor. |
Opening scene - Driving - the first thing we see is breathtaking aerial shots of the beach then of surfers out in the waves, after a few seconds of the water we then see a close up of Johnny. we cant see yet but he is in the back seat with Marissa. Ryan is driving and Seth is in the passenger seat. Johnny is looking out the window then looks in Ryan's direction
Johnny: you guys seriously thankyou
Marissa: sure, we're happy ta help
Ryan: not a problem man
Seth: I'm just along for the ride but your welcome (Ryan looks at him)
Johnny: you didn't have'ta do this
Marissa: (looks at Johnny) come on yeah we did (Johnny looks at her) I mean Chili's outta town, your moms at work, we weren't gonna let you take the bus
Ryan: yep, takin a bus never seems ta end up well around here
Johnny: (taps Ryan) it's this one up on the right
(we see a few houses, one is noticeably smaller/plainer than the others)
Marissa: aww the one with the white trim (smiles)
Johnny: no it's...the one next to it
(Marissa looks over and we see that Johnny's house is the small, plainer looking one. Ryan stops the car out the front)
Johnny: (takes off seatbelt) the infinity pools in the back
Seth: dude don't even worry about it you should see where (points) Ryan grew up
Johnny: (embarrassed) we're movin soon, after I go pro, a year on the circuit (Ryan nods) save some money buy my mom a house in the flowered streets, it may seem a little optimistic now but
Marissa: no
Johnny: well thanks again
Seth: yeah, see ya
(Johnny opens the door)
Marissa: here, let me help you
Johnny: no I'm-I'm fine, you're all gonna be late for school
(Johnny gets out of the car with his crutches. Marissa hands him his bag and what looks like medication)
Marissa: don't forget
Johnny: oh, thanks, alright (shuts door, nods)
Ryan: see ya
(they watch as Johnny uses his crutches to get to the bottom of the stairs. he drops his bag when he tries to get up the first step. Marissa looks worried, and then we see him drop his crutch when he tries to pick up his bag)
Ryan: ok definitely not fine
(we then see Johnny with his left crutch and bag, and the right crutch lying next to him)
Seth: (looks away, screws up face) I can't watch this
Marissa: I have a free period right now (looks at Ryan)
Ryan: (looks at Marissa) yeah you should stay, help him get settled
(Seth is looking out the window again)
Marissa: you think
Ryan: ill see you tonight, we'll catch up get somethin ta eat
(Marissa leans over and kisses Ryan on the cheek. Marissa then gets out of the car and runs over to help Johnny. Marissa picks up Johnny's bag and holds him under the left arm to help him get up the stairs)
Johnny: no no I'm fine
(back in the car Seth looks away from the window and towards Ryan with a frown, but before he can get a word out)
Ryan: don't speak, kid has no one
(we see Johnny and Marissa now almost at the front door. Marissa reaches over to open the door for Johnny)
Ryan: an I trust Marissa
(we see the front door close and hear the car start)
Theme song - California by Phantom Planet Cohen kitchen - Kirsten and Julie are sitting together at the end of the table. they have papers in front of them and coffees
Kirsten: so, I was thinking our new business could provide somethinggggg that's missing in Newport (looks at Julie)
Julie: but we've got everything
Kirsten: not a great book store (Julie looks at her) latest fiction, authors giving readings (drinks)
Julie: (unenthusiastically) huh, interesting, but I was thinking that our new business could provide something that Newport actually wants
Kirsten: ok Julie (looks at Julie) what's your idea
Julie: ok, I was reading in Stuff magazine about this service where you can get this girl come an clean your house
Kirsten: I think there called housekeepers an Newport is definitely onta that trend (nods)
Julie: (looks at Kirsten) not housekeepers nude - maids (smiles)
Kirsten: who wants ta see their maids nude
Julie: not maids Kirsten there strippers
Kirsten: (raises eyebrows) who wants a stripper doing their laundry
(Sandy walks in)
Sandy: oh as long as she knows how ta iron my shirts the way I like em, wrinkle free an not too starchy (grins) (Kirsten smiles)
Julie: Sandy gets it, just a few weeks at the Newport Group he's already thinking like a businessman (dramatically) you've gotta give the people what they want
Sandy: exactly, an right now I'm tryin'a give people without alotta money a decent place ta live, Matt set up a big meeting with some potential investors
Julie: ew (screws up face) Sandy (Kirsten looks at her) I don't think I'm in favor of low income housing
Kirsten: Julie you live in a trailer park (Sandy half laughs)
Julie: an I am highly motivated ta change my circumstances, if you make being poor too comfortable what's the incentive ta get rich, believe me if anyone should know (points to herself)
Sandy: wow (raises eyebrows) on that uplifting note ill leave you two ta hash out the finer points of the free market economy (kisses Kirsten, leaves)
Kirsten: look why don't we do something that we know Newport needs an we're already good at
Julie: (looks at Kirsten) I'm blanking
Kirsten: party planning (Julie slowly nods) ill cater charity events, private dinners (moves head side to side)
Julie: we know all the vendors, all the sites (Kirsten nods) already have a huge client base (smiles)
Kirsten: mm-hmm (nods)
Julie: I'm in (smiles)
(Kirsten smiles, Julie and Kirsten clink their coffee cups together)
CUT TO: Harbor school - Seth and Ryan are walking in the hall together
Seth: Marissa called
Ryan: (looks at Seth) I jus dropped her off, why would she call, she's busy
(Summer walks in front of them)
Seth: hey
Summer: hey guys, can't talk I have'ta go see Dr. Kim
Seth: (teasingly) are ya in trouble
Summer: (looks at Seth) uh no I have'ta change my college file I got my SAT score
Seth: Summer we got our SAT scores back months ago
(Ryan goes over to his locker)
Summer: (stops, frowns) oh, well I took mine late remember there was a Valley marathon on the first time around
Ryan: (looks over) how'd you do
Seth: Ryan come on you never ask a lady her age weight or SAT score
Summer: (caually) I got a twenty three hundred (unsure if its good)
(Ryan and Seth look at Summer, stunned)
Summer: (oblivious) what, that bad (frowns)
Seth: that (Ryan looks at him) good
Summer: (suprised) hmm (almost smugly) as good as you Cohen
Ryan: (softly) better
Seth: (thrown) by...just the tiniest...bit
Summer: huh (nods)
Seth: you know I read a study once that said that if fifteen hundred third graders took the SAT one would get a perfect score by probability alone
Summer: yeah, well I'm not a third grader Cohen (shakes head)
Seth: no no I'm not saying you are but I mean how else d'you explain it
Summer: I don't know (shrugs and walks away)
Seth: (thinks, frowns) how is that even possible
Ryan: eh, she did save Chrismukkah (walks away)
(Seth stands there frowning, he is clearly not happy with the "Summer is smarter than me" development)
CUT TO: Johnny's house - Johnny is sitting on the couch and Marissa is helping him get comfortable. she has a blanket in her hands and is leaning over him
Marissa: ok, so you've got your blanket (puts blanket over Johnny) (Johnny looks uncomfortable) pillows, um what else the remote (puts remote in Johnny's lap) magazines, alright just call me if you need anything ok
Johnny: (slightly pointed, softly) don't wait by the phone (Marissa looks at him) (nicer) I mean since you've pretty much thought of everything (takes phone from Marissa, half smiles)
Marissa: well maybe I should stop by after school give you your homework
Johnny: oh ill get it later
Marissa: is everything ok, cause if I didn't know any better id think you were tryin'a get rid'a me
(Johnny's mom lets herself in. she's on the phone)
J's mom: whatever you could do would help
Johnny: ma hey
J's mom: please call me right away if anything changes, thanks again (hangs up) baby how you feelin
Johnny: ma this is um (points)
J's mom: the famous Marissa Cooper
Marissa: hi (smiles)
J's mom: c'mere sweetie
(Marissa holds her hand out to shake and Johnny's mom hugs her)
J's mom: oh Johnny talks about you so much I feel like I know you already (moves side to side while still hugging)
(Marissa and J's mom stop hugging and look at each other, both smiling)
J's mom: (to Johnny) (gasps) you didn't tell me she was (whispers) gorgeous
Johnny: (looks at his mom) ma you're embarrassing her
J's mom: sorry (Marissa smiles)
(Marissa and J's mom sit down)
J's mom: listen thankyou for bringin him home, tried ta get someone ta cover for me at the nursing home but no one wants the night shift go figure
Johnny: mom Marissa has'ta get ta class your gonna make her late
(Marissa looks from Johnny to his mom)
J's mom: well just wait, I've got some good news, I got you an appointment...with the best sports medicine doctor in all of Orange County (Johnny smiles, Marissa smiles) a real fancy orthopedic surgeon works with the Angels an the Ducks
Johnny: thanks ma
J's mom: one hitch...being that he's so in demand there's a wait list...an the waits gonna be a little while
Johnny: ...what like a week
J's mom: seemed kinda more like months
Johnny: but the team will be gone then ill miss the tour (Marissa looks at him worried)
J's mom: I know honey, but there's always next year
Marissa: an maybe there's a way ta get moved up on the list
J's mom: oh no I tried but you know they give these favors ta friends any donors to the hospital (to Johnny) babe (Johnny looks at her) I'm sorry I-I did the best I could
(Johnny forces a smile, Marissa looks at him, thinking)
CUT TO: Harbor school - Seth is sitting on the couch in the student lounge reading. Summer walks over to him and sits down
Summer: hi
Seth: (looks up) hey
Summer: you are not gonna believe this, so it turns out that I am totally smart
Seth: yeah you are, in your own way (touches Summers leg)
Summer: not in my own way (points to herself) in your way (points) to, apparently I have alot of what they call (does quotation with one hand) aptitude
Seth: really
Summer: Dr. Kim told me that like every few years she has a female student that turns out ta be like...academically gifted that jus didn't apply herself (Seth frowns) you know jus focusing more on boys an shopping an (raises eyebrows) celebrity gossip (Seth nods) she said if I study for my finals I could get my grades up enough ta go ta Brown with you (Seth is suprised) wouldn't that be awesome
Seth: (unconvincingly) yeah...sure, uh but uh you know d'you ev- do you wanna go ta Brown
Summer: well now I do, Dr. Kim said that you can make your own major an the school colours are seal brown, how cute are seals
Seth: mmm (nods)
Summer: an then look, well there having this thing (shows paper) tomorrow um for prospective students (Seth looks) an I thought we could go together
Seth: (slightly nods) ok yeah hmm, sounds like a date (looks at Summer, nods)
Summer: (smiles) ok (Seth looks down) what you reading
Seth: hmm, uhh it's just uh Fear an Trembling it's a Kierkegaard (Summer looks at him) he's the godfather of existentialism sort of invented the concept of angst
Summer: (looks at Seth seriously) hmm, well now that I'm smart I'm sure ill enjoy it
Seth: hmm
(Summer puts her head against Seth's head and rubs his chest, reading with Seth. Seth pats the hand that Summer has on his chest. awww they look so cute!)
CUT TO: Cohen family room, night - Sandy and Matt are in there together with a model of the low income housing development. Kirsten is in the kitchen, in the background
Sandy: alright ill do the welcome, explain our philosophy, present the model (points)
Matt: an ill follow up with the numbers
Kirsten: what about Thai for dinner
Sandy: sounds great, happy days are here again (smiles) (Kirsten smiles)
Matt: you two are so perfect together uh its almost painful ta be around
Sandy: well we've ben workin on it for about twenty five years, your bound ta get it right eventually (frowns) what about you, there's a girlfriend in Chicago
Matt: yeah, yeah she's a great girl
Sandy: I look forward ta meeting her
(Ryan and Seth come in)
Sandy: well here's a couple'a guys who know a thing or two about romance (Ryan frowns) Seth, Ryan meet Matt Ramsey
Ryan: hey (shakes Matt's hand)
Sandy: Matt meet my boys
Seth: hey there (Matt shakes Seth's hand)
Sandy: Matt an I are workin on the proposal for our affordable housing development
Seth: oooh that's my cue ta go help mom with dinner (goes to the kitchen)
Ryan: (looks) this is it huh
Sandy: yep
Matt: (sits) it's an early version but pretty much
Ryan: you guys probably don't want my two cents (crouches) but uh
Sandy: why, no-no-no (nods) go ahead
Ryan: well (points) you put a wall up here turns this whole space into a courtyard
Sandy: add some benches, a playground, good idea
Ryan: it's just a thought
(Sandy looks at Matt)
Matt: your a senior right (Ryan looks at him then Sandy) applying ta college
Ryan: yeah
Matt: what would look better on a resume than an internship with a prestigious development company (looks at Sandy) I mean if it's cool with the boss
Sandy: we could use the help
Matt: you got any plans tonight
Ryan: uh yeah with my girlfriend
Matt: cancel em
(Sandy smiles. Ryan half laughs and looks at Sandy)
CUT TO: Johnny's house - Johnny is on the lounge doing his homework, with his leg resting on the coffee table. Marissa is sitting in front of the coffee table using a laptop
Marissa: well this is the doctors homepage...an it says here he works out of Hoag Hospital, my moms done a bunch of charity's for them an (looks at Johnny) Summers dad even works there so this is kinda perfect
Johnny: ...Marissa, I appreciate everything but (Marissa looks at him) (sighs) you can't do this
Marissa: why because I might one day decide ta become a surfer (frowns) get hit by a bus, need surgery an then realise I used my one good favor with the best doctor in town, yeah I don't think that's gonna happen
Johnny: ...jus don't want you ta think this is your problem
(we hear a knock)
Marissa: too late, hang on Summers picking me up (stands) oop sorry
(Marissa steps over Johnny's leg then goes and opens the door. Summer is standing there)
Marissa: hey
Summer: hey, you ready ta go
(Marissa's cell phone rings)
Marissa: oh hang on (looks at who is calling) oh its Ryan we're sposed'a have dinner tonight I should (motions, then goes outside) hey Ryan
Summer: (waves) hi
Johnny: (softly) you have'ta help me
Summer: well I thought Marissa was helping you
Johnny: she is, she's driving me feeding me bringing me my homework, now she's tryin'a get me in with some doctor
Summer: (confused) well she's a good friend I...don't see the problem
Johnny: no she's too nice, she's spending too much time with me
Summer: yeah well she tends ta be a little clingy
Johnny: no it's not that I don't like it (Summer looks at him) it's that I do...alot
Summer: (softly) I called this like so long ago! this...this is a major problem
Johnny: not for anybody but me ok, jus don't tell anyone (Summer looks at him unsure) promise
(Marissa walks back inside)
Marissa: hey, what'd I miss
(Johnny looks down at his homework and Summer looks at Marissa and smiles)
CUT TO: Summers house, next morning - Summer and Marissa are standing outside near the front door, there are stairs in front of them which they walk down to get to Summers car
Marissa: thanks for dropping me Sum, hey you think maybe you could pick me up too
Summer: oh well maybe you should ask Ryan
Marissa: oh I think he's gotta go ta the Newport Group after school
Summer: oh, I guess I could swing by Union
Marissa: oh actually can you pick me up at Johnny's cause I'm gonna drop off his homework and hopefully he'll know about the doctor by then
(they are now at Summers car. Marissa opens the door)
Marissa: hey, you think maybe you could ask your dad ta put in a good word
Summer: yeah I guess, are you sure (gets in the car) I don't know that's the best idea...you being all involved in Johnny's life (worried) you guys are getting really close
Marissa: (puts seatbelt on) yeah well he doesn't really have anyone else...I mean his moms sweet but (Summer looks at her) jus seems like everything's kinda hard for her you know, I'm jus tryin'a help
Summer: ok, ill talk ta my dad (smiles) you know the sooner that Johnny gets on his feet (raises eyebrows) the sooner you don't have'ta be his nurse maid
Marissa: I kinda like being his nurse maid (shrugs, smiles) ...you know maybe I should be a nurse
Summer: (laughs) that is a good one
(Summer starts the car)
CUT TO: Harbor school - Ryan and Seth are walking together in the halls
Seth: so was Marissa totally cool with you canceling on her last night
Ryan: didn't have a problem with it
Seth: but d'you have a problem with it
Ryan: (frowns) why would I- I cancelled on her
(Ryan goes over to his locker)
Seth: yeah but if you cancelled on me id have a problem with it an you know if I cancelled on you an you didn't have a problem with it then I might have a problem with that
Ryan: (looks at Seth) it sounds like you already got a problem (shuts locker, points) an not with me
Seth: who would my problem be with
Ryan: I don't know cause I think it's really great that Summers a genius
Seth: (defensive, shakes head) whoa, whoa whoa no listen Dr. Kim said she had some untapped potential (squints) no one went around usin the G word
Ryan: (looks at Seth) don't do this man
Seth: do what (shakes head)
Ryan: compete with Summer
Seth: why, because...d'you think Summer would win
(Ryan looks at Seth for a few seconds before walking away)
CUT TO: The Yacht Club - Kirsten and Julie are sitting at a table together having a business lunch
Kirsten: so I figured out what our start up costs'll be
Julie: d'you wanna share an appetizer crab cakes
Kirsten: sounds good, we can charge food an liquor on a per event basis, dishes an linen we have'ta figure out whether it's worth buying our own or not
Julie: (not listening) mmm you know what I'm really craving, sweet corn ravioli, or d'you think that'll be too heavy with the crab cakes
Kirsten: (looks at Julie) what I think is, is that you don't find this business very interesting
Julie: oh I'm sorry (closes menu) Kiki um I've jus ben eating alot of ramen lately
Kirsten: Julie if this business works, you'll never have'ta boil your dinner again (nods) (Julie smiles) (frowns) I had a supplier list, well I left it in the car, ill be right back
Julie: ill decide on my order while you're gone (touches menu) (Kirsten looks at her) or read some spread sheets
(Julie picks up a stack of papers. Kirsten leaves. in the background a man who is sitting at the bar looks over at Julie, smiles and gives a slight nod, Julie notices and gives him a smile and then looks back down. the man walks over to her. we find out that his name is Jeff in a minute)
Jeff: so I see you're suddenly uh without a lunch date, care ta join me at the bar for a drink
Julie: no, my friend will be back shortly (smiles)
Jeff: (nods) well maybe I can buy you both drinks
Julie: well she's an alcoholic and uh we're having a business lunch, we're partners (Jeff looks at her) (quickly adds) in a business
Jeff: really (Julie smiles) what kinda business (sits)
Julie: well
(the next thing we see is Kirsten walking back in with papers in her hands. she looks over and sees Julie laughing with Jeff. she has a "why am I not suprised" expression then she goes over to the table)
Kirsten: hey Julie
Julie: Kirsten, oh this is Jeff Grenzel (Jeff stands) uh this is my business partner Kirsten Cohen
Kirsten: (shakes Jeff's hand) nice to meet you, uh we were in the middle of something if you'll excuse us
Julie: actually I invited Jeff ta join us for lunch (Kirsten looks at her) he jus hired us, to do a dinner party at his house this weekend
(Kirsten looks from Julie to Jeff)
Jeff: for five thousand dollars (raises eyebrows)
Kirsten: (stunned) oh, well, have a seat (smiles)
(Jeff and Kirsten sit down)
Julie: (smiles) do you like crab cakes
CUT TO: Harbor school - Seth and Summer are in the student lounge together for the Brown thing
Summer: hey, Ashley, Madison
(we see two girls walking towards Summer)
Madison: Summer, hey
Summer: what's up
Ashley: didn't expect ta see you here
Madison: at a Brown event
Ashley: no offense
Summer: oh none taken (shakes head)
(Seth looks as though he feels bad for Summer. Madison and Ashley smile and then walk off. Seth looks worried)
Seth: you know maybe we should just leave
Summer: why
Seth: well...you know
Summer: you don't think I belong here
Seth: no its not that its jus you know you don't have'ta do this for me
Summer: oh this isn't about you (shakes head)
Seth: ...it isn't...because this has ben my dream for years an I mean...all of a sudden its yours too
Summer: (nods) well maybe I never had a dream...you know maybe for once in my life I actually wanna do something with my life, like something important (Seth listens) be the first woman in space or win one'a those noble prizes
Seth: Summer women'a ben goin'ta space since the sixties an it's not noble prizes its Nobel (Summer looks at him) Marie Curie won in nineteen o three for discovering Radium
Summer: (nods) ...well I think you've made your point
Seth: hey hey hey hey hey don't leave
Summer: oh I'm not leaving, look you may know more about history an science an stuff but...I know a thing or two about working a room (walks away, calls) hey Madison wait up
CUT TO: Newport Group - Matt is in his office and Ryan is in there with him sitting on the couch writing. Matt leans back in his chair and looks as though he's thinking
Ryan: (looks up) you alright
Matt: yeah uh (sits up) I jus got alot on my mind (Ryan looks at him) I promised it wouldn't interfere with my work
Ryan: this job means alot to ya huh
Matt: kinda means everything (looks at Ryan, Ryan looks at him) ...I relocated...to do this with Sandy...an my girlfriend uh well my ex now I guess, I took her down ta Cabo last weekend an invited her ta join me here...as my wife...it turns out she doesn't like warm weather...or me
(Ryan is now sitting in the chair in front of Matt's desk)
Ryan: have you told Sandy this
Matt: it's not his problem...Sandy's a good guy...an he's takin a big chance on me...I won't let him down
Ryan: yeah tell me about it (raises eyebrows)
(we hear a knock. Sandy walks in)
Sandy: guys I hate ta do this to ya but my plates full
Matt: whatever it is, put it right out of your mind, Ryan an I are on it, its already done
Sandy: there's legislation in the works that would change the zoning at the site (Matt looks at him) I need you ta work out both scenarios one if it passes one if it doesn't (puts large folder down)
Matt: ...that means twice the work (looks at folder) (Sandy nods)
Ryan: (to Sandy) well maybe you could reschedule the meeting
Sandy: I would if I could but I cant these guys are comin tomorrow on a Saturday an then headin straight down ta San Diego ta look at another development
Matt: fourteen hours, laptop, coffee, Ryan an I are good ta go
Sandy: that's the spirit, thanks (leaves)
Ryan: hey are we gonna have time ta get ready cause if not we should tell him now (points)
Matt: uh come on, take a little fieldtrip
(Matt stands. Ryan frowns)
CUT TO: Harbor school - Summer is standing with Madison and Ashley at the Brown thing still
Summer: you guys next year is gonna be so much fun
(in the background we can see Seth listening)
Summer: you know maybe we should drive together like have a road trip, shot gun
(the guy from Brown gets everyone's attention)
Eric: excuse me, if I could have your attention please (everyone looks) I just wanna thankyou all for coming, great group
Summer: so true
(Summer and Seth look at each other then back at the Brown guy)
Eric: but unfortunately on average Brown only admits one student a year from Harbor...and its stiff competition (Summer and Seth look at each other) I wish I could admit you all but enjoy the event an good luck
(thankyou Eric is heard faintly in the background. everyone claps. Seth goes over to Summer)
Seth: hey can I talk ta you for a second
Summer: um no I need'ta talk ta the Brown guy, hey hi um I was wondering in your opinion what makes a student stand out
Seth: yes besides good grades (looks at Summer)
Summer: an high SAT scores (looks at Seth)
Eric: well all our applicants are...leaders at their schools, what it really takes is a hook
Summer: (nods) fascinating (smiles)
Seth: ok ok an could you clarify with an example
Eric: sure, say the cellist in our string quartet was graduating an you played the cello
CUT TO: Johnny's house - Marissa and Johnny's mom are hugging each other
J's mom: next week (gasps) that is great news I can't believe it
(we now see that Johnny is standing behind them near the doorway that separates the kitchen from the living room)
Marissa: its really not that big'a deal, you know it turns out Summers dads a plastic surgeon at the same hospital an they jus knew each other (shrugs) (looks at Johnny) I'm glad it worked out though (Johnny looks down)
J's mom: this calls for some kind of celebration, Marissa, your staying for dinner
Johnny: ma I'm sure she has plans
Marissa: oh, I do actually with Ryan
Johnny: that's her boyfriend
J's mom: well invite him too, we'll-we'll order in (Johnny looks down) we'll play board games or watch movies
(Marissa's cell phone rings)
Marissa: (looks at who is calling) that's him
Johnny: probably wondering where you are (goes back into the living room)
Marissa: no he knows (answers) hey, so d'you wanna come over ta Johnny's an get take-out an DVDs we're gonna celebrate
(we now see Ryan talking on his cell phone outside. we can't really tell where he is yet)
Ryan: yeah, yeah ok sounds good (stops) you should...probably start without me though
(we see what Ryan is seeing which is a neon sign that has BARE in a blue colour and then Elegance in a green. the sign is above the entrance)
Ryan: be there as soon as I can
(the next thing we see is Matt and Ryan walking into the club through a red curtain. there is a big guy at the entrance)
Guy: (to Matt) hey (stops Ryan) whoa
(Ryan has a "typical" expression)
Matt: its cool (hands guy money) he's with me
Guy: sure thing boss
(the guy lets Ryan passed and Ryan gives him a nod - inside we see girls in tight outfits pole dancing. another girl who is crouched in front of a guys face. a guy drinking. a close up of a girls backside "dancing". more girls dancing and guys enjoying themselves, and a girl who is on her knees leaning back on one arm while moving her body up and down, finally we see Matt and Ryan heading towards the tables)
Ryan: hey (half laughs) what're you doin man, thought we were gonna go on a coffee run or something
Matt: (sits) well I never said that (drums fingers) I do some'a my best thinkin here man
Ryan: sure I can see why, loud music topless women no distractions at all
Matt: sometimes a good distraction is the best way ta recharge (Ryan nods) here's my muse, Lilly
Lilly: hey Matt (sits on Matt's lap) how's my favourite customer doing
(Ryan watches them)
Matt: I'm in need'a some serious one on one time
Lilly: oh, should I ready the champagne room for you
(Matt motions yes. Ryan looks away. Lilly leaves)
Ryan: hey, come on man
Matt: I got this alright, I'm jus gonna have a little time out, then we'll go back to the office we'll pull an all-nighter
Ryan: I got plans I can't-
(a girl dressed in a skimpy police officers uniform is rubbing Ryan's shoulders from behind. then she runs her hands down his chest. he has an unimpressed expression on his face)
Matt: first dance is on me (gives girl money) ill be right back (leaves)
(Ryan watches Matt leave and the girl walks around to his front and sits down on his lap)
Sippowitz: hi (sexily) I'm Sippowitz
Ryan: hi Sippowitz
(Sippowitz giggles and touches Ryan's hair lightly)
CUT TO: Cohen kitchen - Kirsten is busy cooking and Sandy is sitting at the table working
Kirsten: I didn't know Julie was taking this seriously
Sandy: well you gotta hand it to her she's a born entrepreneur
(Seth walks in carrying something under his arm)
Seth: hey. I'm starving...an that actually smells good
Kirsten: oh yeah it's not for you, pizzas coming, is that a pirate costume
Seth: Summer an I are in a war
Sandy: a pirate war
Seth: well it turns out Brown usually takes only one student from Harbor an we both wanna be it so I need a hook
Sandy: oh you mean like a Captain Hook
(Seth looks at Sandy unamused. Sandy smiles. we hear the door bell)
Seth: ill get that, maybe its...dinner (leaves)
(Kirsten watches Seth leave then looks at Sandy)
Kirsten: (suprised) Summer going ta Brown (Sandy raises his eyebrows) I mean no offense
Sandy: she did save Chrismukkah
Kirsten: (smiles) is Ryan eating with us
Sandy: no he's workin with Matt tonight, I think he's a good influence on Ryan you know he's young, he didn't come from much he's makin something of himself (Kirsten raises her eyebrows) he's a good role model
CUT TO: Bare Elegance - we see more girls dancing with each other, and a pole. then we see Ryan getting his lap dance, he doesn't look like he's enjoying it very much. Sippowitz is sitting in his lap leaning over so that Ryan has to lean back in his chair, he's not far off lying down. she's grinding into him and giggling
Ryan: (shakes head) you don't have'ta do this
Sippowitz: already bought an paid for
(we hear Ryan's cell phone ringing)
Ryan: oh that's my-my my cell ringing in my pocket
Sippowitz: I definitely feel something vibrating (giggles)
Ryan: (laughs) yeah if you could just uh
Sippowitz: no, let me
(Ryan looks away. we see Sippowitz still moving on Ryan's lap, she runs her down his chest and then we see Ryan's head lean back. Sippowitz brings her hand up and she's holding his cell phone. Ryan says something and goes to take it but Sippowitz pulls it away and shakes her head. Ryan shakes his head)
CUT TO: Johnny's house - we see Marissa on her cell phone she hears this
Msg:
Ryan: hey its Ryan, leave a message
Marissa: hey uh its me, I was jus wondering where you are so...um its getting kinda late...so call me (hangs up)
(Marissa looks over at Johnny who is asleep next to her, she puts her cell phone down then pulls the blanket over him, his head moves a little but he doesn't wake up. Marissa sits back on the couch next to him and changes the channel on the TV. she rests her head on her left hand and watches the TV. after a few seconds Johnny's head falls onto her right shoulder. Marissa looks at him, gently pushes his head back over and then goes back to watching the TV. Johnny's head falls on her shoulder again, she looks at him but doesn't move it this time)
[SCENE_BREAK]
CUT TO: Bare Elegance - we see some more of the girls pole dancing/dancing with each other, we then see Ryan drinking a drink by himself. Sippowitz has left him alone now, lol. Ryan looks at his watch, looks behind him then puts his drink down and goes outside. he pulls out his cell phone and dials a number, we can hear the ringing - the next thing we see is the TV at Johnny's with the snowy picture that you get when nothing is on, and we can hear Marissa cell phone ringing. we then see the cell phone flashing, ringing and vibrating on the table then the camera turns to show that Marissa and Johnny are both asleep on the couch. Johnny still has his head on Marissa's shoulder and her head is touching his
CUT TO: Summers bedroom - Summer is struggling with getting a big black case out of her closet, it comes up to about her waist so you can imagine how big and bulky it is. while Summer is struggling with the case Marissa comes in drops her bag on the bed and then lies down, exhausted. Summer looks over, sees her and drops the case which makes a bang and Marissa jumps awake
Summer: (frowns) where have you ben
Marissa: whoa, Summer (gets off the bed)
Summer: I have ben worried sick for hours (puts hand on hip) (Marissa frowns) well, since my alarm went off twenty minutes ago an I noticed you weren't here
Marissa: sorry I fell asleep
Summer: oh, at Ryan's
Marissa: at Johnny's (looks down)
Summer: (looks at Marissa) at Johnny's
Marissa: we were watching a movie
(Summer looks at her, Marissa notices the case)
Marissa: what's that (points)
Summer: (taps case, puts hand on hip) a tuba
Marissa: which you have why
Summer: ...beeecause I do (Marissa raises her eyebrows) because in fifth grade you know when I said I was going ta beauty pageant camp I was going ta band camp an learning ta play the tuba (taps case)
Marissa: (frowns, points) wh-
Summer: wait quit changing the subject, I cannot believe you slept there does Ryan know (Marissa looks at her)
Ryan: (off screen) know what
(Ryan comes in. Marissa looks at Ryan, Summer looks from Ryan to Marissa. Marissa looks at Summer wide eyed)
Marissa: umm...how bad that movie was last night (nods) (cheery) where were you
Summer: (almost bitchy) yeah, where were you
(Ryan looks at Summer and frowns confused. Marissa looks at Summer)
Summer: none of my business (raises eyebrows, leaves)
Ryan: I- I was with Matt and we were working
Marissa: wow so late
Ryan: yeah big presentation today (sighs) so movie no good huh
Marissa: yeah well it kinda put me ta sleep
Ryan: yeah, how's Johnny (raises eyebrows)
Marissa: uh better (nods) I think
Ryan: good good, you get home ok
Marissa: uh yeah, y'know his mom drove me
Ryan: I jus wanted ta say hi
Marissa: yeah don't let me keep you
Ryan: ok
(Ryan and Marissa hug. we see closes ups of their faces and they both look guilty)
CUT TO: Newport Group - we see a close up of the affordable housing development, and we can hear Sandy's voice. he's on the phone
Sandy: Matt the investors are in the conference room I need your part of the presentation call me when you get this (hangs up) (to Ryan) Matt's missing in action any idea where he could be
Ryan: (sits) uhhh he was pullin an all-nighter maybe he slept in
(Matt comes in. he looks like hell)
Matt: great, there they are, I'm sorry Sandy
Sandy: ready
Matt: as ill ever be jus let me put my tie on (Ryan looks down) clear my head, five minutes
Sandy: you've got four an you might wanna run a comb through your hair (points, leaves)
Matt: thanks for not bustin me
Ryan: you gonna make me wish I did
Matt: (smiles) I know these guys man, I got it under control
CUT TO: Harbor school - we see the school band walking together in the hall. Summer is standing off to the side watching them in the uniform with her tuba, she tries to blend in and walk with them
Summer: ohp, hi Ash
Ashley: you're not in the band
Summer: well no technically not but I thought I could play the tuba blow a few minds maybe get asked ta join, I mean what'do you think-
(we see what Summer is seeing which is Seth dressed in his pirate costume and talking to the head cheerleader at her locker)
Seth: I'm a big fan of physical comedy an I'm extremely limber (points) plus Johnny Depp has ben a huge inspiration to my life I jus think he's taken the pirate thing ta just a whole new level (Summer squints) and the Brown bear is retiring next year
HC: I told you, we already have a mascot
Summer: (screws up face) oh my god
HC: an what's with the peg leg
Seth: why
HC: it's really creepin me out (walks away)
Summer: (yells) Cohen
(Seth looks over and sees Summer in the band outfit with her tuba)
Summer: Cohen what are you doing
Seth: Summer what're you doing
Summer: I asked first, you know what you don't need'ta answer that because it's obvious
Seth: yeah, I'm not the one wearin a tuba
Summer: oh that's really big talk from a guy wearing hoop earrings (pointed) at least I played the tuba
Seth: pffff
Summer: what I do
(Seth hits himself on the head with the peg leg and makes a funny face)
Summer: now if you'll excuse me I (raises eyebrows) have'ta get ta practice
(Summer walks passed Seth and hits him in the chest with her tuba so Seth jabs Summer in the back with his peg leg, lol)
Summer: (turns around) oooowww
Seth: did you jus whack me with your tuba
Summer: did you jus jab me with your peg leg
Seth: it was a tap you little whacker!
Summer: it was a jab jabber! (Seth looks at her) why d'you have'ta be better than me at everything
Seth: (leans forward) see that's jus it Summer, I'm not better than you at everything (Summer looks at him) there was one thing that I was better at... (walks away)
(Summer watches Seth walk away, sadly)
CUT TO: Newport Group - Sandy, Matt, Ryan and 3 other people are in the conference room for the presentation. there are 2 men and one woman. Sandy is standing up
Sandy: and the commercial space at street level can provide jobs places ta eat a daycare center
Guy: sounds good Mr. Cohen but we've heard there are regulations in the works which, well could complicate things
Sandy: so have we (points) Matt's worked out both sets'a numbers, Matt
Matt: (stands) thanks Sandy, so if the legislation does not pass (hands out information) a profit model will look something like this
Guy: an if it does
Matt: umm then we would have to uh (hands info to Sandy) decrease the amount of commercial space which would uh (raises eyebrows) decrease the...revenue
Guy: by how much do you think
Matt: I would say a significant amount
(Sandy looks at Matt. Ryan looks from Sandy to the investors)
Guy: Matt we do business in dollars, how many're we talkin about here
(Matt swallows and looks down. Sandy looks at Matt in disbelief. Ryan looks up at Matt)
Matt: I'm-
Sandy: (stands) well, we haven't worked out those numbers right now
Guy: (looks at Sandy) we didn't drive all the way down here for a-a hypothetical conversation
Sandy: of course you didn't, we'll have those numbers to you by this afternoon (looks at Matt) right Matt (Matt nods)
Guy: well thankyou Mr. Cohen (stands) for your impressive presentation, I think we've heard all we need to today (drops information on top of the model)
Sandy: well thanks for your time
(the investors leave and Sandy is not happy. Sandy glares at Matt)
Matt: I'm sorry uh I...I (leaves)
(Ryan picks up the information and looks at it, Sandy looks at him)
Sandy: got anything you'd care ta tell me (Ryan looks at him)
CUT TO: Johnny's house - Johnny is in the kitchen trying to pour himself some water. we hear a knock at the door and Johnny puts the jug down
Johnny: (calls) coming
(Johnny turns to head towards the door and the glass of water smashes on the floor, he also falls with it and makes an "aahh, sss" sound. Marissa lets herself in)
Marissa: Johnny
Johnny: ooh (yells) in here
(Marissa frowns and runs to the kitchen. Johnny is breathing heavily)
Marissa: oh my god, oh god, alright come on, here
Johnny: (moans) I think I twisted it again
Marissa: ok, come on
(Marissa helps Johnny to his feet)
Marissa: where are your pain killers
CUT TO: Jeff's house - Jeff opens the door and Julie and Kirsten are standing there. Julie has a huge bouquet of flowers in her arms and Kirsten is holding the food
Jeff: hello, good evening
(Julie and Kirsten walk inside)
Julie: (smiles) evening, oh, oh Jeff what a beautiful beautiful place (puts flowers down)
Jeff: thankyou
Kirsten: would you an your guests want dinner in the dining room or (looks) oh the terrace would be nice
Jeff: uhh let me ask my guest (Julie looks at him) dining room or terrace (smiles)
(Kirsten looks from Jeff to Julie, confused)
Julie: excuse me
(Kirsten looks at Jeff)
Jeff: I haven't invited anyone, I was hoping Julie that you might join me for dinner
Kirsten: ...uh Mr. Grenzel if this is a joke it's not funny I've spent two days cooking and Julie bought out the flower mart
Jeff: one dinner, please, ill pay what I promised (Julie is stunned) jus want the chance ta get to you know you better
(Kirsten looks from Jeff to Julie, Julies head turns in Kirsten's direction but her eyes don't leave Jeff's direction)
Kirsten: Julie we're leaving (picks up food, smiles at Jeff) Julie
Julie: ...you did all this for a date with me
(Kirsten looks from Julie to Jeff in disbelief. Jeff holds his hand out to Julie, Julie looks at his hand, looks at him and then takes it)
Kirsten: fine, but you're serving yourselves
(Jeff and Julie raise their hands so Kirsten can put the food back down. Julie smiles at Jeff)
Julie: hungry
Jeff: nope (smiles)
(Kirsten opens the door and shakes her head as she leaves, lol. Julie smiles at Jeff)
CUT TO: Bare Elegance - we see yet more girls pole dancing/dancing with each other, and yes they are in skimpy outfits which match besides them being one pink one blue. the one in the pink takes off her top but its from the back so you don't see much, we then see Sandy and Ryan walk in. they head over to Matt who is sitting with the girl from the other night Lilly
Sandy: what the hell happened
Matt: (sighs) I'm so sorry-
Sandy: that you weren't prepared for the meeting (nods) I could maybe overlook, that you were here that you brought Ryan here (Lilly looks at him) really tries my patience, but id hear you out
Matt: thanks, it means alot
Sandy: but you lied ta my face, you disrespected me and the company I'm tryin'a build, the one that you said you wanted ta build with me
Matt: it won't happen again
Sandy: you're right it won't happen again I want you out of the office tomorrow, your fired (Matt looks at him)
Ryan: hey come on
Sandy: no not another word outta you kid (shakes head) (looks at Ryan) don't think you don't have anything ta be sorry about
(Lilly looks from Sandy to Matt, Matt looks at Sandy, Sandy looks at Matt then walks away, he's really not happy. Ryan looks at Matt, Matt looks at him then down sadly. Ryan follows Sandy. Matt turns around, sighs and picks up his drink. Lilly looks over in Sandy and Ryan's direction)
CUT TO: Johnny's house - Johnny is lying on the couch, very out of it from the pain killers
Marissa: (off screen, calls) hey Johnny, d'you know where there's a towel, I don't want this ice ta melt all over you
Johnny: try under the sink...you know Marissa...your really making this hard
(we can now see Marissa standing in the doorway of the kitchen, she lays out the tea towel for the ice)
Marissa: making what hard
Johnny: we're friends
Marissa: (laughs) yeah, we are friends (takes ice out of the freezer) how many of those pain killers did you take
(Marissa tips the ice out onto the tea towel)
Johnny: I...I have'ta tell you something (swallows) but I cant say it
Marissa: say what
Johnny: don't say anything back ok (Marissa looks at him) I don't want anything...I jus want you ta know the truth
Marissa: the truth about what (leans against the door way)
Johnny: I really like you
Marissa: (laughs, shakes head) ok, I really like you too (goes back to the ice)
Johnny: no...I mean...I like you like you (Marissa moves closer to him) I think I'm in love with you
(Marissa looks at him with a blank expression)
CUT TO: The pool house, next morning - Ryan is in there putting his shoes on and Seth walks in
Seth: (sighs) so, Ryan your a working man (points) now how's the job going (Ryan smiles) model homes, calculators, dudes in suits (nods enthusiastically) I bet that's pretty exciting stuff
Ryan: yeah you'd be suprised, so would Marissa
Seth: ooo an what'has she ben up to
Ryan: I don't know (sighs) ill ask her when I see her which hopefully will be tonight (frowns, puts hands out) what's with all the questions
Seth: nothing I'm jus tryin'a exhaust all your issues so we can get ta mine, have we covered everything (Ryan motions go ahead) (sits) my biggest fear, stated plainly (Ryan looks at him) what if Summers being smart changes our whole dynamic
Ryan: (frowns) why would it
Seth: because my intelligence was the one quality she admired in me it made me almost a man (raises eyebrows) in her eyes
Ryan: (stands) come on man that's not true, you got plenty of other positive qualities, your uh your (sits on the bed) ...your funny (raises eyebrows) when you wanna be
Seth: (frowns) have you noticed how Summers gotten alot funnier lately (shakes head) I mean I think she's funnier than me now
Ryan: you're an expert in comic books an Yakuza films (points)
Seth: (nods, shakes head) girls don't like that
Ryan: (clicks fingers) you know how'ta work a grill (Seth looks down) I'm sorry man I'm sorry I- I thought I would come up with more but, the point is Summer doesn't wanna be you she wants ta be with you, alright (Seth looks at him) you want that too so
Seth: apologise, I know
(Ryan starts to leave)
Seth: where you goin
Ryan: gotta go ta Sandy's office, some apologisin ta do myself (nods) give me a ride
Seth: (looks at Ryan, nods) why don't we have cars
CUT TO: Summers bedroom - we see and hear Marissa's cell phone ringing. Marissa picks it up
Summer: don't answer it
Marissa: Johnny's gonna think I'm mad at him
Summer: maybe that's not such a bad thing
(we can now see that Summer and Marissa are in bed. Marissa lies back down and Summer turns to face her)
Marissa: well, he was in pain, took a bunch'a pills, he probably doesn't even remember...it's not a big deal
Summer: yeah well a vicodin love confession (raises eyebrows) is still a love confession
Marissa: I'm sure he didn't mean it
Summer: I'm sure he did
Marissa: why
Summer: (closes eyes) because he told me (sighs) the night that I picked you up from his place
Marissa: (sighs) ...why didn't you say anything
Summer: he made me promise not to, he said he wasn't gonna do anything so he didn't want you ta know
Marissa: an now I know...what am I gonna do
Summer: pretend you don't (raises eyebrows) maybe you should jus stay away from him for a while
(we hear Marissa's phone make a do do, do do, do do beeping sound. I think it might mean she has voice mail)
Marissa: (sighs) I gotta call Ryan
Summer: are you gonna tell him (frowns) (Marissa looks at her)
CUT TO: Newport Group - Sandy is in his office with the phone to his ear. Ryan knocks and walks in
Sandy: (hangs up) these guys wont return my calls, I can't even get a response much less schedule another meeting
Ryan: (sits) well look I am sorry, Matt said he had it covered an I guess I believed him
Sandy: well so did I, you know it makes no sense for him ta blow this off, he's the one who set up the meeting
Ryan: his girlfriend dumped him
Sandy: oh cause he went to the strip club (raises eyebrows)
Ryan: because he took the job, I guess it hit him pretty hard
Sandy: oh your breakin my heart, he should'a said something
Lilly: because he didn't want anyone ta know (Sandy looks at her) especially his boss, sorry for the drop by
Sandy: wow Matt must be some tipper
Lilly: Matt an I are friends (nods) from college
(Sandy and Ryan both look at Lilly)
Lilly: yes I went ta college, I'm dancing to pay for law school, but I don't dance for Matt mostly we talk
Ryan: about what (looks at Lilly)
Lilly: Matt's ben under alotta pressure an not just work stuff, I think (sighs) he jus kinda crashed an burned
Sandy: well he couldnt'a chosen a worse time
Lilly: I know an maybe none'a this makes any difference but Matt is a good guy, an this job it means the world ta him (Sandy looks down) ...what if I told you I was the one that put Matt in touch with those investors (Sandy looks at her) and that I could get you another meeting
(Ryan looks at Sandy)
Sandy: is one your professor
Lilly: no, a customer (blinks, nods)
(Sandy looks at Ryan)
CUT TO: Summers house - Summer comes down the stairs and heads towards the front door
Summer: (yells) dad, Gloria I'm heading over ta Seth's
(Summer opens the door and Seth is standing there. aww. they look at each other)
Summer: hi, Seth
Seth: hey, I jus...came over to apologise
Summer: (nods) me too, well no I mean- (stops) I'm listening
Seth: ok
(Seth takes Summers hand and they sit down on the top step together. aww)
Seth: look I'm sorry I've ben such an ass ok, its jus your so superior to me in so many ways (Summer raises her eyebrows) you know your better looking your more popular your stronger...an not just emotionally (screws up face) | Plan: A: Ryan; Q: Who takes an internship working for Sandy at the Newport Group? A: Matt's career; Q: What does Ryan end up working to save? A: Brown; Q: Summer and Seth are determined to get accepted into what college? A: Johnny; Q: Who tells Marissa how he feels about her? A: Julie; Q: Who tries to adapt to her new living situation? Summary: Ryan takes an internship working for Sandy at the Newport Group, but he ends up working to save Matt's career. Summer and Seth are determined to get accepted into Brown . Johnny tells Marissa how he feels about her. Julie tries to adapt to her new living situation. |
Pam: Hey Jim. Stanley's back from the hospital today. Can you sign his card?
Jim: Oh, great. [reads] "Glad they didn't mix up your tonsillectomy with a moustachectomy." Oh that's not good.
Phyllis: Oh, because your jokes are all hilarious.
Pam: It's nice. It's funny. It mentions his tonsillectomy and makes a funny little joke about his moustache.
Jim: Stanley doesn't have a moustache.
Pam: Yeah he does.
Oscar: Pam, hit the brakes. Stanley does not have a moustache. I misspoke. I'm not sure. I think he has one, now that- I think he has a moustache.
Pam: Okay, Phyllis sits across from him every day. Phyllis, does he have a moustache or not?
Phyllis: Oh, I don't know. Now I think he doesn't.
Pam: Phyllis! What are you talking- The whole card depends on this!
Jim: Okay, the man's worked here for 25 years. How can none of us picture his face?
Angela: 'Cause we come here to do our jobs. We don't stick our noses in other people's business.
Pam: Okay, which one of these looks more right? [holds up drawing of Stanley with and without a moustache]
Dwight: Neither of those looks like any person that has ever existed or been dreamt of in the history of human insanity. That said, the one on the left.
Gabe: [bell dings] Guys, that's the elevator. What if it's him?
Jim: Okay, quick. Who says moustache? [Pam, Oscar, Dwight, and Creed raise their hands]
Dwight: Yep.
Jim: Who says no moustache? [Jim, Angela, and Phyllis raise their hands; Gabe enters, hiding Stanley's face]
Gabe: [reveals Stanley's moustache] Ah! Ha ha ha!
Phyllis: He does have a moustache.
Dwight: Yes!
Pam: Welcome back, Stanley. [Stanley grunts]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Robert: "Good morning, Robert," says no one because our receptionist is in Florida. [no one responds] Pam!
Pam: Oh! [takes out earbuds]
Robert: Is this a video conference you're having with "Drake, featuring Swizz Beatz"?
Pam: Um, no, I was just, um, just having a cup of coffee, kind of warming up for the day.
Robert: People, you should come to work already warm. Nine to ten a.m. is the most productive potential that a human being-
Nellie: Sorry, sorry, everyone, I'm late! But you all are here, so no harm done at all by my lateness.
Robert: [laughing] Nellie, really, nine fifty?
Nellie: Oh, here's what happened. Seven forty-six, my alarm clock goes off. I hear it. Whack the snooze.
Robert: Ah.
Nellie: Nine minutes. Bzz! Off it goes again. Whack! Seven more times I did that. Bzz, whack. Bzz, whack! By the time I got up, it was ten minutes ago. No willpower. That is my curse!
Robert: [laughs] I've never believed willpower was very important in a woman.
Nellie: Ah ha!
Robert: I don't think you would have shown up to work nearly an hour late for no reason.
Nellie: Oh, I assure you, I would have done. I did, and I will keep doing it.
Robert: No, no, no, no. There's something going on. Some stress in your life.
Nellie: Well, yes, uh... there is the whole moving to Scranton nonsense. Thirty boxes arrived yesterday from England and two trunks from Florida. Then I have to move in to my apartment in this dreadful, God knows where it is backwater suburb of a suburb, and I mean, no offense but are there a lot of Irish people living around here?
Kevin & Meredith: [in unison] Yes.
Nellie: Ugh! I hate that! No offense.
Kevin: None taken.
Oscar: Actually, Nellie, this monologue you're delivering is very offensive.
Nellie: oh! Ay, carumba! The natives are getting restless!
Stanley: Who's a native?
Nellie: Uh, excuse me, the tone here is getting quite hostile. I would appreciate it if you would keep that stuff on the basketball court. [everyone groans]
Oscar: What does that mean?
Dwight: Okay, okay.
Nellie: If you'd let me finish- Or the squash court, or the Supreme Court. Hmm?
Robert: Nellie?
Nellie: Yes, Robert!
Robert: You're clearly under a lot of... stress with the moving and the work situation you've found yourself in.
Nellie: Yeah.
Robert: Let's help her out, shall we? Go above and beyond today to show her some of that warm Scranton hospitality. Jim. Dwight. Take the day. Help Nellie move those boxes into her new place.
Dwight: Why Jim?
Robert: The rest of you, let's throw a party at the end of the day to welcome the newest member of our little community.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Pam: I'm sorry, we're throwing a party for someone because they're being horrible?
[SCENE_BREAK]
Jim: I'm sorry, we're taking work time to move someone's personal belongings into their new apartment.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Pam: I'm still not sure why this woman is even here.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Jim: Why is she here?
[SCENE_BREAK]
Andy: [sings] Two crazy kids on the journey of life.
Erin: [sings] Going to Pennsylvania.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Andy: On the road with my new girlfriend. But first, a small pit stop to break up with my current girlfriend who is at her parents' cabin in southern Pennsylvania.
Erin: Oh. That must be nice.
Andy: Mm-hmm. It's a beautiful place. Great place to let her down easy.
Erin: Oh, no, no, I meant that it must be nice to have parents.
Andy: Oh. Hmm.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Andy: [sings] Time to have a little kiss!
Erin: No.
Andy: Mm. Sorry. Right. No kisses till the breakup is official.
Erin: Yes.
Andy: I believe in that.
Erin: Yes. So do I.
Andy: I think that's important. That is important. Bummer, but important.
Erin: Important.
Andy: Mm-hmm.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Phyllis: I can't believe he's making us throw a party for her.
Pam: I know, right?
Oscar: She's always late, she's always rude...
Phyllis: It kinda makes me want to throw a really bad party.
Oscar: Yeah.
Phyllis: On purpose.
Pam: Phyllis!
Angela: [laughs] We should do it right here in the break room. [they giggle]
Phyllis: Order carrot cake. [laughter]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Andy: ...and Jessica, just so you know, this is way more about my love for Erin than anything wrong with you.
Erin: Well, Andy, I'm upset, but you did this in the best way possible, and I knew you as a lover and I'll remember you as a gentleman. Okay, that was one minute and ten seconds.
Andy: Consider it nailed.
Erin: [vocalizing] I think we should try again. This time, worst case scenario.
Andy: Okay, here we go. Jessica, I'm really sorry. I just need you to know-
Erin: [whining] What?
Andy: I just need you to know-
Erin: What is it? I didn't sleep well last night. [they laugh]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Dwight: [lifting box] Ugh! Ow.
Jim: Nellie, that reminds me. Do you want this chair in the bedroom? 'Cause to be honest, I don't think it's gonna fit through the door.
Dwight: Don't listen to Jim. Have you ever seen him play Tetris? "Oh, I think I'll just use this line horizontally. Oh, I had no idea what a gift this line is."
Jim: That was one time-
Dwight: I will get the chair in. Watch the Great Schrutini work his magic.
Nellie: Oh, no. Really? Magic? No, no, no. Let's not go there. No, nothing is more repellant than magicians. Bunch of grown men waving wands, pulling bunnies out of body crevices. Magicians are repulsive. Next topic.
Jim: [cell phone rings] Excuse me, one second. Hi.
Pam: Hey, what's up?
Jim: Ah, nothing, just hauling some cube with Dwight.
Dwight: [shouting] Haulin' cube!
Jim: That's moving boxes. We just came up with the term to make it sound cooler.
Pam: So we're planning this party for Nellie, and we're gonna make it really bad.
Jim: Sounds like every other party.
Pam: No. We're gonna make it like a prank. Like order bad food, give her this passive-aggressive card.
Jim: Oh! Hire a magician.
Pam: What?
Jim: Trust me.
Pam: [laughs] Okay.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Andy: Wow. There's a lot of cars here. This is just weird.
Lauren: [knocks on car window] Andy! Hey, what are you doing here?
Andy: Hey, Lauren. Look at you.
Lauren: Well, I know. Look at me.
Andy: I was just on my way back from this business trip, thought I'd stop and say hi to Jessica.
Lauren: Aww! [clicks tongue]
Andy: Why is Erin with me? That's a great question. She is my coworker, and she needed a ride because she totaled her car.
Lauren: Oh. God.
Erin: So, I'm Erin. Hi.
Andy: Yep. This is Erin.
Lauren: Nice to meet you. [Erin gasps at another girl outside her window] Well, Jess went out for a run but she'll be back soon. Hey ladies, Andy's here!
Erin: Okay Andy, that is a bachelorette party, this is Jessica's friends and they've been drinking during the daytime. Should we go?
Andy: Yeah. Uh, you know, we had such a quick window to make this work, I think we should probably just-
Lauren: Oh, Jess! [claps] Look who stopped by after his business trip!
Jessica: Andy! Hey!
[SCENE_BREAK]
Dwight: I wonder if king-sized sheets are called presidential-sized in England. I really should have a Tweeter account.
Jim: Yes, you should.
Dwight: [finds shoe box] Ooh.
Jim: [reads] "Nellie, don't open, stupid. Love, Nellie."
Dwight: I have to see these shoes.
Jim: I doubt that they're sh-
Dwight: Oh!
Jim: Whoa. Who is this guy?
Dwight: Here's the two of them taking a hike. I'm guessing he's some kind of friend.
Jim: Boyfriend.
Dwight: Here's the two of them kissing at a beach and kissing at the Eiffel Tower. I'm guessing he's some kind of close romantic friend.
Jim: Like a boyfriend?
Dwight: You read my mind.
Jim: Yeah. Whoa. Here's one with his face whited out.
Dwight: Hmm. Maybe someone threw a pie in his face. New theory- he's a hated Italian politician.
Jim: Better theory. This is her ex-boyfriend and they went through some kind of painful breakup.
Nellie: [walks in] Oh.
Jim: Oh, Nellie. I'm so sorry. We were just...
Nellie: I see you've discovered Benjamin. That's what I call my box full of photos of Henry.
Dwight: Why not call...
Jim: Shh!
[SCENE_BREAK]
Nellie: God. We owned this flat together. Then one morning, just like that, he was gone. He ran off with the waitress at our favorite restaurant.
Dwight: That's awful. What kind of restaurant.
Jim: Dwight!
Nellie: I couldn't afford the flat myself. So I sold it at a loss. Ah, but what's ten years of bliss down the drain compared with the thrill of starting over with nothing and no one?
Jim: I'm so sorry. These must be very painful memories.
Dwight: If it would help you to forget, I could hit you in the brain stem with this candlestick.
Nellie: Thank you. No. Look, Jim, Dwight, please, don't tell anyone about this.
Jim: No, no. Of course. Just one quick question. Was this um, Halloween, or...
Nellie: God, no. That's the most embarrassing thing of all this. What kind of fool gets her heart broken by bloody stage magician?
[SCENE_BREAK]
Jim: [in the phone] You know what, Pam? I was thinking maybe we should change course here. Let's give up on all this mean stuff.
Pam: What? No! No, I just had this brilliant idea- everyone loved it. You don't have a copyright on pranks. I might be better at this than you.
Jim: No, that's not what I-
Nellie: Jim, could you give us a hand?
Jim: Absolutely. Yeah. [whispers] Call it off, Pam. Call it off, okay? It's way more complicated than you think. Cancel the magician. Trust me.
Pam: Oh, okay. Okay, I will. [hangs up phone]
Angela: Pam, we have a great idea.
Oscar: Listen to this.
Angela: We're going to have the fluorescent lights flickering. It's gonna make everyone sick.
Pam: Or what if...
Angela: Okay.
Pam: We discuss... [Angela and Phyllis giggle] the idea of doing the party totally normal. Like, not mean. Just a regular party. [giggling stops] Not mean.
Angela: I knew she'd crack! I wanted to leave you out, you know.
Oscar: We're in far too deep. We can't change course at this point.
Pam: What are you talking about? Yes we can.
Oscar: What I mean to say is we don't want to.
Phyllis: Toots, we're not stopping this train, so get off the tracks.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Lauren: [pops balloon] Suck it! [cheers, applause]
Erin: Andy-
Andy: It'll be fine. Just act natural. Do you want a gummy pen1s?
Erin: No, uh, I'll just have some gummy bears.
Andy: These are delicious.
Erin: But... they're penises.
Lauren: And we come to Matthew. The guy who was with his old girlfriend basically the whole time we were together. [party guests groan]
Andy: Ew! Aww! That seems gross at first blush, right? But relationships are always more complicated than you think. I mean, we don't know Matthew's history with this other woman. Maybe she saved his life. [laughs] I don't know. I just- I don't think we should rush to judgment about Matthew. Maybe we don't pop that one.
Party guests: No, pop it. Pop it! [Lauren pops the balloon, party guests cheer]
Jessica: Hey.
Andy: Hey.
Jessica: Sorry. It's kind of a madhouse.
Megan: [grabs Andy] Ahh!
Andy: Oh! Ah, Megan.
Megan: You are one of the good ones, nard dog.
Andy: Aww.
Megan: No, really. [to Jessica] Where's my Andy?
Jessica: I dunno.
Andy: Oh, he's out there.
Megan: Aww. Are you going to sing for us?
Andy: Well, you guys are doing a pretty good job with the scary yelling, so...
Megan: That's not like you. That's not like you. Come on, sing! Sing!
Andy: [singing] By yon bonnie banks and by yon bonnie braes...
[SCENE_BREAK]
Pam: Okay, they're almost here- What? Come on. If you guys are gonna be mean, could you at least be subtle? [rips down ugly photo of Nellie]
Darryl: Oh, in the warehouse we use code names for people we want to talk about. Andy was Jelly Roll. Mike was Dennis the Menace. Ryan was douche bag.
Ryan: Hey, that's not a code name. That's just an insult.
Oscar: Plus everyone would know who you meant.
Ryan: Yeah!
Pam: No, that's a great idea. Let's have a code name. How about Mondays? I hate Mondays? Mondays are the worst?
Angela: Nobody's named Monday.
Ryan: Hey, how about we go with Pam? Simple, easy to remember.
Pam: 'Cause there's someone already here named Pam.
Kevin: Shh, here she comes!
All: Hey!
Phyllis: Welcome to your party.
Creed: Everybody get comfy now. This first song's over a half hour long. [plays off-tune notes]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Creed: Best gig ever. They asked me to play only originals. I said, "Have you heard my originals? They're terrible." They said, "Even better." I said, "I get it. It's an ironic party for Nellie."
[SCENE_BREAK]
Erin: Maybe we should just go.
Andy: No. I gotta do this. Hey Jessica, could I talk to you?
Jessica: Uh, yeah, sure. What's up?
Andy: Uh, maybe we could talk in private?
Jessica: Uh, yeah. What is it?
Andy: Well, first just let me say that I hope when I'm done with the sort of ugly bits that we can stay friends.
Jessica: You're breaking up with me?
Andy: Uh, no. No. You always do this. You twist my words around. Part of me thinks we should just end this right now.
Jessica: Oh my God. Are you leaving me for Erin? You said she wasn't relationship material and she wasn't as good as me, but it's her, isn't it?
Andy: Whoa! That? No. Okay. You want honesty? Super-honesty time. I'm gay.
Jessica: What?
Andy: I am gay, and I prefer men.
Kenny: I knew it!
Andy: You did not, Kenny!
Kenny: You invited me to go shopping with you.
Andy: I like hanging out with you. You're a cool guy. Which proves my point. That I'm gay.
Jessica: Andy, you're not gay. I mean, we were... together. And you seemed pretty excitable.
Andy: Well, I was faking it. I had to fake it every time. I had to imagine that I was in a steam room with John Stamos.
Jessica: I can't say it doesn't make sense...
Andy: Well... I mean, I was good at hiding it, but-
Jessica: Look, it's fine, Andy. I didn't think we were gonna get married or anything. I just... I'm just upset for now.
Andy: Understandable. And I'm really sorry. I really am. [hugs Jessica, grunts] So... we should probably... go.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Robert: This humble but sincere effort is all for our valued new colleague. Excellent.
Oscar: To Nellie Bertram, you are a most welcome and friendly presence at our company.
Robert: Cheers.
Nellie: Why thank you.
Oscar: Pam, on the other hand, is a most unwelcome, entitled, unfriendly presence in our company.
All: Cheers.
Angela: Nellie is terrific, but to be honest, every day I imagine how happy I'd be if Pam died. [laughter]
Jim: Oh. Well. I feel that as someone who knows Pam only a little bit... enough. A good amount. Not the most, though. I would say that she is misunderstood and that maybe there's some stuff in her past that you guys don't know about that's a little messed up and probably makes her such a torture to work with.
Creed: We hate Pam. We hate Pam.
All: We hate Pam! We hate Pam!
Magician: So we've established-
Jim: No. No.
Magician: -that you guys hate Pam. Do you ever wish she would just... disappear? [sets off flash paper]
Pam: Oh! [laughter, murmuring]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Erin: That was a really rough scene.
Andy: Right? Rough scene.
Erin: Yeah.
Andy: Oh... at least we can kiss now.
Erin: Oh, yeah. [gives him a quick kiss]
Andy: You know, that stuff that I said about you to her... I did- That's just- I had to say it. You know, I was dating her at the time.
Erin: Yeah. Yes, of course. Ah... I feel really tired.
Andy: Yeah.
Erin: Probably from seeing that turkey.
Andy: Oh yeah.
Erin: When we drove by the farm. Oh. Always does it.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Magician: Are you Nellie? Oh, I think you're my volunteer. Come on over here, huh?
Jim: Oh, I'll do it. I will volunteer.
Robert: no, Nellie, she-
Jim: I'll do it.
Magician: Oh! Big guy, huh? How's the air up there? Watch out for... birds. [chuckles] All right, let's uh- let's do some card magic. Now, what I want you to do is... I want you to pick a card just by looking at it. Do not say what it is.
Jim: [picks a card] It's the four of hearts.
Robert: Oh, no, you-
Magician: Looks like we got a guy from another country here, huh? No hablo el cardo, senor? Hmm? Ha. All right, the card is picked. Now sir, will you please shuffled the deck? [Jim drops the cards] You didn't just do that on purpose, did ya?
Robert: [to Dwight] Why is Jim treating the magician poorly?
Magician: Little known fact about me. Before I was a magician, I used to work at a rope factory.
Jim: Not true. 'Cause that's not a real place.
Magician: But I never could seem to figure out those knots.
Pam: That's not a real knot. When you pull on it, it disappears.
Magician: [yells] What the hell? All right, where's Phyllis? Who's Phyllis? Look. This is really uncool, okay? I put on a clean show here-
Dwight: Okay scram, wizard.
Magician: What?
Dwight: You heard me!
Magician: Huh!
Robert: Well Nellie, I'm sorry. If I'd known Jim and Pam would use this party as an excuse to abuse a magician-
Nellie: Well, I thought it was quite fun. In fact, I think they're brilliant employees, in their own way. Don't you see what I see?
Robert: Interesting. Yes. No, yes, I see that. Great work, team. Great party.
Kevin: You think this is a great party? This cake has vegetables in it. Like a salad bar, Robert. How do I get this taste out of my mouth?
[SCENE_BREAK]
Erin: What? Why are we-
Andy: I just gotta do one thing. [leaves car, knocks on door]
Megan: Oh. Hello. Hey everybody, look who's here.
Jessica: What are you doing here?
Andy: Hi. Super-duper honesty time. I'm not gay. In fact, I'm so not gay, I'm in love with a girl. Her name is Erin Hannon and she's right there. She's sweet, funny and beautiful and total relationship material.
Megan: Why the hell did you come back here?
Jessica: Go away.
Kenny: Get lost!
Woman: Get out!
Andy: Okay.
Lauren: You're done!
Andy: Bye guys.
Lauren: Get out! You ruined my party! Who does that? Are you kidding me? [Andy and Erin run to the car] Yeah, run away!
Kenny: You're disgusting!
Lauren: I can't believe you're not gay! [Andy and Erin kiss]
Kenny: Yeah get out of here.
Various: Don't come back. [someone throws food at the car]
Erin: Uh-oh! [laughs, they drive away]
Various: You don't even know how to drive! Bye Andy! Loser! Nice car!
[SCENE_BREAK]
Pam: Hey Hank.
Hank: Yes ma'am.
Pam: I thought I was very specific about you not letting up a magician.
Hank: Yes ma'am. I got my eyes open.
Jim: Well, turns out he actually made it up there.
Hank: What? That ain't right.
Pam: Yeah, he came and went.
Hank: Wait a minute! You said it was a magician, right? [Pam nods] You don't think he could've used... it couldn't have been...
Pam: Let's just- let's go.
Jim: Night-night. | Plan: A: California; Q: What state forces the office to prepare a welcome party for Nellie? A: the party planners; Q: Who wants to sabotage Nellie's party? A: tragic information; Q: What do Jim and Dwight learn about Nellie that makes them think twice about pranking her? A: Erin; Q: Who helps Andy break up with Jessica? A: Jessica; Q: Who is Andy's current girlfriend? A: Eleanor Seigler; Q: Who plays Jessica? Summary: California forces the office to prepare a welcome party for Nellie, but the party planners seek to sabotage it. Soon, Jim and Dwight learn tragic information about Nellie that makes them think twice about pranking her. Meanwhile, Erin helps Andy break up with his current girlfriend Jessica ( Eleanor Seigler ). |
Act One
Scene One - Int. Cafe Nervosa. Frasier is ordering his coffee at the counter. Bebe Glazer approaches.
Bebe: Well, well, well, look who's here. It's KACL's Frasier Crane.
Frasier: And Rosemary's Bebe.
Pause. Frasier turns back to the counter.
Bebe: So, quite a little shake-up going on down at the station. I hear the new owner wants to renegotiate everyone's contract.
Frasier: [turning head] Mmm-hmm. And before you drop another gossamer hint, let me tell you that my feelings about you haven't changed.
Bebe: Fine! Actually, I'm here to meet one of my newer clients, a rising star of the Seattle airwaves.
Frasier: Oh, really, and what pathetic do-gooder have you lured into your web now?
Roz enters, looking self-conscious.
Bebe: [overly affectionate] Roz!
Frasier: [surprised] Oh, dear God.
Bebe walks over to Roz and points her toward a table.
Bebe: You just get off your feet, little mother. I'll fetch you a nice, nourishing muffin.
Roz begins to walk toward the table, still self-conscious, trying to keep her back to Frasier. Frasier follows her, glaring.
Frasier: You signed with Bebe?
Roz: [sitting] Okay, I know, I should've told you, I just wasn't in the mood for one of your lectures.
Frasier: [sitting across from her] I'm not going to give you a lecture. You're entitled to choose whoever you wish to represent you. Someone who's honest, or a woman whose ethics would've raised eyebrows in the court of Caligula!
Roz: Look, she's gotten me three voice-over jobs. She may be a little shifty, but she helps me put food on the table.
Bebe approaches, muffin in hand, and places it before Roz
Bebe: One muffin.
Roz: See?
Bebe: [sitting; pats Roz's belly] So, Roz, I had a brainstorm last night about how to turn this little bundle of joy into a big bundle of cash!
Roz: [confused] I'm going to use my baby to make money?
Frasier: [angry] Yes, it's high time the little slacker started pulling his weight!
Bebe: [to Roz] You know Doctor Clint Weber's medical show? Well, I see a daily segment called, "A Pregnant Pause: Roz Doyle's Term of Endearment." All of Seattle will share in the miracle happening inside you - your joys, hopes, morning sickness, sonograms, even the birth! [excited]
Roz: [still confused] I'll give birth on the air?
Bebe: It's radio. Just make the noises. [laughing] Hell, I'll make them myself!
A waitress approaches.
Waitress: Need anything else here?
Frasier: Just a shower, thank you.
Bebe: You know, Mr. Integrity, word on the street is you still haven't hired anyone to negotiate this big deal for you. [Frasier stands] Could it be because in your heart you know you want to come back to me?
Frasier: Yes, well if I'm taking my time it's because I'm determined to make the right choice.
Roz: Well, you're gonna need somebody good!
Frasier: That's exactly what I intend to find, someone good! I'm going to prove to both of you it's possible to find an agent who can drive a hard bargain and yet maintain the highest ethical standards!
Bebe: [sarcastic] Happy hunting. If things don't work out, you know my number.
Frasier: [walking out door] Still 666, is it?!
[SCENE_BREAK]
Scene Two - Int. Frasier's apartment Martin opens the front door to Niles.
Niles: [walks in] Hello, Dad. I believe we switched videotapes on accident.
Martin: Believe me, I noticed.
Niles: Yes, there you go. [hands over video] At first I was dismayed. I popped in the tape, and there was Charles Bronson blowing away street trash, but I actually got into it. It was quite suspenseful.
Martin: Yeah, well, that's the way Duke and I felt about "My Dinner With Andre." Talk about suspense! [fake, dramatic anticipation] Will they order dessert? Will they leave a good tip? [walks to chair and sits]
Frasier enters from the direction of his bedroom.
Frasier: Oh, hello, Niles.
Niles: Frasier, I'm sorry to trouble you about this, but could you recommend another couples' therapist?
Frasier: Good Lord, not again. What happened to Dr. Prescott?
Niles: Oh, please, Maris had me can Dr. Prescott weeks ago. Now she wants me to fire Dr. Wilphaum.
Frasier walks in the direction of the kitchen, perhaps to get a drink from the wet bar.
Frasier: What's her problem with him?
Niles: She says his criticism of her is too harsh.
Frasier: Well, some therapists can be rather blunt and hard-hitting. What did he say?
Niles: He asked her to refrain from catalogue shopping during our sessions. [sits on couch]
Frasier: You know Niles, if you fire every therapist who finds fault with her, you're never going to make any progress.
Niles: You're right, of course. I'll just tell her, "We're not going to change therapists, that's that." [stands]
Frasier: Good! You know, sometimes there's nothing more rewarding than sticking to a principle. Case in point, you know, my contract's coming up, and, uh, well, Bebe Glazer's been angling to negotiate my new one. Anyway, I could've done the easy thing, said yes, taken the money and run, but instead, I said no, and I found myself a new agent, one who's every bit as smart and also ethical.
Niles: Hmmm.
Doorbell.
Frasier: That's him now. Frasier and Niles head toward the door.
Martin: Well, I don't know what kinda bull that guy sold you, but there's no such thing as an ethical agent. One's just as slimy as the other.
Frasier opens the door. Ben enters.
Frasier: Hello, Ben.
Ben: Hi. Sorry I'm late. I was making my last Meals on Wheels delivery and I swerved to avoid a pigeon. You know, splat went the food all over the stuffed bears for the toy drive. I had to run home, throw the bears in the wash, and cook some more borsht for Mrs. Pavlov.
Frasier: I'm glad you made it. Anyway, this is my brother, Doctor Niles Crane.
Ben: Hi, it's a pleasure to meet you.
Niles: Hi. [shakes his hand, leaving] Sorry, I'm running out. [turns, laughing] You're certainly a refreshing change from Frasier's last agent. I think she would have swerved to hit the pigeon. [another laugh]
Frasier: [laughing] Well, she would have swerved to hit Mrs. Pavlov! [closes door] Ben, I'd like you to meet my dad, Martin.
Daphne enters as Frasier leads Ben toward the couch.
Frasier: Oh, and this is his home health care worker, Daphne. Daphne, this is Ben, my new agent.
Daphne: [shakes Ben's hand] Oh, very nice to meet you.
Daphne sits at breakfast table.
Martin: Well, Ben, it sounds like you're a pretty busy volunteer.
Frasier: Yes, indeed, you know, Ben just won this year's Seattle Samaritan Award.
Ben: [quickly] Well, enough about me. Let's talk about you. [gestures to couch] May I?
Frasier: Oh, please.
Ben: [sitting] I was thinking that before we start this negotiation it wouldn't hurt to raise your public profile.
Frasier: [shrug] I like the sound of that.
Ben: Okay, here's my plan. For a year now, I've done pro bono work for the Mercer Island Zoo - you know, getting the word out, creating awareness --
Daphne: [still sitting at table] There's a zoo on Mercer Island?
Ben: [grin] You betcha. This'll be great PR for both of you. They just bought a rare crane. I convinced them to name it after you - you know, Frasier "Crane." So, there'll be a ceremony with full newspaper and TV coverage.
Frasier: I think it's brilliant! [sits beside Ben] I'm bolstering my bargaining position and also helping out a plucky little zoo! I love this man!
Daphne: [stands and walks over with bowl; places it on coffee table] I think it would be fun to have a crane named after me. I just love those big pouchy mouths they scoop up the fish in.
Ben: I think those are pelicans.
Daphne: Oh, right. [walking back toward breakfast table] Cranes are the ones who always sound like they're laughing. No, wait, I'm thinking of loons.
Martin: That's a coincidence.
Ben: [stands] Oh, shoot, I've got borsht on my sleeve. Do you have any club soda?
Daphne: Oh, yes, right through here. [walking toward kitchen, Ben follows]
Frasier: Help yourself.
Ben: Thank you.
Ben and Daphne exit.
Martin: Frasier, you told me this was a pretty big deal. Are you sure you want to send in that Mouseketeer?
Frasier: Oh, why does everybody assume that in order to be an agent you have to be some unscrupulous huckster? It is possible for a good and decent man to be every bit as intimidating as the toughest shark out there.
Ben: [entering] Well, time to skedaddle. I have to pick up a friend. [walks toward door; Frasier follows] The poor guy just went bankrupt, so I'm letting him bunk in my ruckus room for a while.
Frasier: Well, that's awfully generous of you.
Ben: Well, he's not just a friend, he's a client.
Ben lets himself out, and Frasier closes the door and looks back at Martin shrugging.
[SCENE_BREAK]
BYE BYE BIRDY
Scene Three - Ext. Mercer Island Zoo. The Director of the zoo leads Frasier into a tent, where the buffet is. The bird is also in this tent in a small cage.
Director: Um, and then the press and the board members will join us in here for a buffet.
Frasier: So I finish my speech, and then I give Mr. Twembly here the cue and he brings out this marvelous creature.
Twembly: [kneeling beside cage] Just give me the signal.
Martin: [enters] Aw, this is great! Look at this! Turkey, chicken wings! [leans down toward crane] Hey! Gotta make you a little nervous, huh?
Daphne: [walks up to Frasier] [hushed voice] Look! It's Toffee Macintosh, from the news! I just love her!
Frasier: Oh, yes, really?
Toffee: [approaching] Frasier.
Frasier: Toffee. Thank you for covering us.
Toffee: [laugh] Aw, you know my motto, "If it happens in Seattle, it's news to me." [laugh]
Frasier: Listen, I'd like you to meet one of your biggest fans, Daphne Moon.
Daphne: Hello. I just love the way you get all somber when you describe a flood or a murder, then you cheer right up the minute you're done! Makes me think, well, if she can get over it, so can I.
Toffee: That's what I'm here for.
Ben: [enters] Ready to greet your public?
Frasier: Well, uh, yes! Come on, Dad!
Martin: [eating] All right, I'll be there in a sec.
All but Martin walk toward the seating area.
The outdoors, grassy area is set up for Frasier's program. In front of a large sign that says "Mercer Island Zoo" is a podium. In front of this is a row of chairs for the audience.
Roz sits to the side smiling brightly with a monkey in her lap. Bebe is beside her. Several cameras are on them.
Bebe: Why, you see what maternal instincts this woman has? Even little Bobo here can sense it.
Frasier: [approaching Bebe and Roz] Well, I can see I'm not the only one getting some publicity today.
Ben: [joins them] Frasier, they want to start pretty soon.
Frasier: Oh, Ben, Ben, just a moment, I'd like you to meet some people. This is Bebe and Roz. This is Ben, my new agent.
Improv hellos.
Ben: Hey, talk about your small worlds. Turns out Mr. Twembly and I both sang tenor for the same choir back home in Salt Lake City. Nice meeting you ladies.
Bebe: [evil laugh; very sarcastic] Well, when there's a dirty job to be done, you can't go wrong with a Mormon.
Frasier: [indignant] Scoff all you like, the man is a genius at PR.
The program starts. The audience in the front row, from left to
right, is: Bebe, Roz, Daphne, and a few places over from them, Ben. Ben looks excited.
Twembly: Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. On behalf of the Mercer Island Zoo, I'd like to welcome our very special guest, Doctor Frasier Crane. [applause]
Frasier: [steps up to podium] Thank you, Mr. Twembly. I suppose it's only appropriate that the zoo has called upon me to introduce you all to its newest resident. You see, he happens to be a relative of mine. [laugh]
Bored looks from Bebe and Roz.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Martin is alone in the tent with the Crane, still eating.
Martin: Hey, what're you lookin' at? This is human food. You don't see me lookin' at your bird food, do you? [turns away from bird and toward the buffet; bird bites the seat of Martin's pants; turns back around] What do you think you're doing, huh? That's not very nice! [shakes his cane at the bird; cane catches on cage, opening gate; bird jumps out]. Oh, wait, wait, no, no, no, wait, where you goin'?!
[SCENE_BREAK]
Frasier is at the podium speaking. As he speaks, the bird runs behind him. Then, Martin runs by in hot pursuit of the crane, shaking his arm at the bird. They exit to the right. Frasier is entirely oblivious.
Frasier: ...We're both tall and have distinctive profiles, we've both been known to winter in Mexico, and let's not forget our voices. Is there anything as stirring as the crane's majestic cry?
Martin: [o.s] Yeyaaaaaaaa! Get this thing off me! [hobbles in, holding ear]
Frasier: Dad, are you all right? What's happening? [uproar; bird runs behind him, chased by several men] My goodness! What is going on! [turns toward audience, attempting to cover] Oh, I'm sorry! Nothing to be alarmed about! Just a little family squabble!
The audience is in uproar; Frasier rushes to Martin's aid. End of Act One
[SCENE_BREAK]
Act Two
Scene One - Int. Frasier's apartment. Focus on TV. Toffee Macintosh is reporting in front of the chaos of the crane ordeal.
Toffee: In a gruesome incident this afternoon, the Mercer Island Zoo seemed more like the Island of Doctor Moreau....
Shift to: Living room. Martin is sitting in chair with Frasier to his right and Daphne behind him, all watching the TV.
Toffee: [v.o]...as a distinguished senior citizen was savagely attacked by Frasier Crane, Bird of Prey.
Frasier: I can't watch any more of this.
Martin: Well, that makes us even. I can't hear any of it.
Frasier: Oh, you weren't hurt that badly! Of course, you wouldn't know that to listen to Toffee. She makes the whole thing sound like a disaster!
Daphne: I know. [brightens] But did you see the way she could smile right after?
Frasier glares at Daphne, and she rushes away.
Frasier: [sitting on couch] Lord, this entire affair's turned into a PR nightmare!
Martin: Well, it's your own fault for hiring Howdy Doody as your agent!
Doorbell.
Frasier: [walking to door] Dad, I'm sorry. Ben had no idea that bird was going to attack you. Besides, there is a school of thought that says there's no such thing as bad publicity.
Frasier opens door. Niles enters, laughing wickedly.
Niles: Frasier, I was just hearing about you on the car radio. The deejay was offering a cash prize for the best Frasier Crane joke. Wait, what was the front-runner? Oh, yes, how can you tell Frasier the Crane's a psychiatrist?
Frasier: [closing door] I can't wait to hear.
Niles: He ignores what you say then sticks you with a large bill.
Laughs all around, except Frasier.
Niles: [walking toward Martin's chair as Frasier goes to his bookshelves] You must excuse my jolly mood, but Maris was over tonight for our weekly conjugal visit.
Martin: [clearly disgusted] Eeww, Jeez.
Niles: I've never seen her look so seductive. She wore a clingy gown, crimson lipstick, even earrings, which she tends to avoid as they make her head droop. She pulled me down upon the bed and began playing my spine like a zither. And then, just as things were heating up, she renewed her request that I dismiss Doctor Wilphaum. So tremulous with desire was I that I almost relented, but then I remembered your advice, Frasier, and I said I wouldn't fire the good doctor - at which point Maris told me I wouldn't be firing anything else in the foreseeable future!! And she left!
Frasier: Now, now, now, Niles, withholding s*x may be just as difficult on Maris! She may crumble first!
Niles: Are you serious? One hour of passion can sustain her for months. She stores it up like some sexual camel.
Frasier: [defensive] All right, Niles. You know that my advice was solid.
Niles: I hope you're right. [phone rings] I'll get it. Hello? Oh, hello Roz. [to Frasier] It's Roz.
Frasier: Thank you. [takes phone] Roz, hello. Yes, what is it?
Niles: [pointing at flowers on table] That's a striking arrangement.
Martin: It's from Bebe. After what happened today, she's trying to woo him back.
Niles: Birds of Paradise, I suppose that's her idea of floral irony.
Frasier: [on phone] Yes, well, ah, thanks for the warning, Roz.
Martin: What's that about?
Frasier: Oh, well, it turns out the station manager won't be renegotiating the contracts himself. Apparently he's brought in one of these hired guns stations use to reduce costs. Some fellow nicknamed "The Hammer."
Niles: [examining flowers] I'm assuming they call him "The Hammer" because he's tough.
Frasier: No, Niles, because he loves the lyrics of Oscar Hammerstein!
Martin: You know, Frasier, if I were you, I'd give Bebe a call. Now, I'm no fan of hers, either, but this is a pretty big negotiation.
Doorbell.
Frasier: [walks toward door] No, Dad, I am sticking with Ben. Oh, sure, maybe Bebe could use her dark arts to get me a dollar or two more, but, you know, my integrity is worth more than that. [opens door] Hello, Ben.
Ben: Hey, big guy. How ya doing?
Frasier: Well, uh, fine.
Ben: Good. Boy, people sure are being mean about this! I was just listening to the radio on the way over. Ouch. But I always say, if life hands you a lemon, make lemonade.
Frasier: That's the spirit. [hopefully] So you've got some sort of damage-control plan?
Ben: You betcha. I got a way to turn this whole mess around and show that station manager just what you're made of.
Frasier: Excellent! But you won't be dealing with him. You'll be dealing with this free-lancer they call "The Hammer."
Ben: Hoo-boy. [sits]
Martin: You've gone up against him?
Ben: Oh yes, and I had to take a pretty firm line with him.
Frasier: Well, I'm glad to hear that.
Ben: Yeah, I finally said, "You better just clean up your language, Pal. I walked out on that Mamet play, I can walk out on you."
Frasier: [hesitates] So, uh, about your plan.
Ben: Yeah, right! Um, I think there's a way to show people you're laughing right along with them. You do a photo op where you, Seattle's best-loved psychiatrist, give the crane therapy. You know, you sit in a chair with a pad on your lap, and the crane - properly sedated, of course - sits on... [pulls out a miniature psychiatrist's couch] THIS.
Skeptical looks exchanged.
Niles: Where on earth did you find a couch that size?
Ben: Oh, I built it myself. I have a little workshop in my attic where I make toys for the neighborhood kids.
Martin: Look at you! Agent, samaritan... elf.
Frasier: Dad, I like this idea! It's droll... and self-mocking. It's the perfect way to turn a PR embarrassment into a triumph!
Ben: Great. I'll set up the photo op. And don't you be nervous about The Hammer, all right? Because I can be a pretty tough customer myself!
Frasier: [walking him to the door] I'm sure you can! I know you're gonna go in there and you're gonna give him hell!
Ben: Boy, I love show business, but I'll never get used to the cursing!
Ben opens door and leaves.
[SCENE_BREAK]
MAYBE IT WAS A DISGRUNTLED FORMER ZOO WORKER
Scene Two - Int. Caf� Nervosa Frasier walks toward and sits at Niles's table. He has a large white bandage on his forehead. Waitress approaches.
Frasier: [quietly] Latte, please.
Waitress: Hey, didn't I see your picture in the paper today? There was a big bird chasing you around a little couch!
Frasier: [glares] Latte, please.
Waitress leaves.
Niles: Well, I think you have a real case against the maker of those crane sedatives.
Frasier: Thank you for the sympathy!
Niles: You're not the only one going through a rough patch. Maris has strained my libido to the breaking point!
Frasier: Niles, you can't give in!
Niles: I'm getting desperate! This morning, I found myself flirting with my manicurist!
Frasier: The one with the thing on her face?
Niles: I told you, I'm desperate!
Frasier: What can be keeping Ben?
Niles: After all this, you're still using Ben? Shouldn't you just go back to Bebe?
Frasier: [points finger] I see what you're doing. You think if I bail out on my principles it gives you an excuse to go crawling back to Maris. Well, I'm not going to do it. Ben may have made some mistakes, but he is a good man, and he's going to make me a good deal!
Gil has just entered the Cafe. He's standing in the doorway in a state of shock.
Frasier: Oh, Gil! How'd it go with the Hammer?
Gil: You've never seen such cold, dead eyes! It was like bargaining with Nosferatu. My salary's been slashed!
Frasier: Oh, I'm sorry.
Waitress approaches.
Waitress: Can I do anything else for you?
Niles: [holding up biscotti] Yes, would you mind nibbling on this provocatively?
Frasier: Niles! [to waitress] We're fine, thank you. [waitress leaves]
Gil: I wish you good luck, Frasier. I don't see anybody squeezing blood from that stone.
Bebe and Roz enter, both waving their hands in the air.
Bebe: [triumphantly] Lattes for everyone!
Gil: [shocked] Dear God, don't tell me you did well!
Roz: [thrilled] I got a weekly spot on Clint Weber's show and a thirty percent raise!
Gil: How on earth did you get all that?
Bebe: [evil laugh] Oh, we go way back, the Hammer and I. I know where the bodies are buried. [pause] Usually, that's just a metaphor.
Roz: So, Gil, what'll you have? My treat?
Gil: I think I'll be happier at the losers' table with Aunt Penny, the story lady. [calls offstage] Penny! Don't put that flask away! [moves off]
Frasier: Well, congratulations, Roz. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm waiting for Ben. We have to discuss our bargaining position.
Bebe: Oh, there're so many to choose from. Kneeling, crawling, groveling. I'm sure he'll pick the right one.
Bebe and Roz leave for the counter to order.
Frasier: [muttering] God, she is obnoxious!
Niles: [watches her] Mmmm. Though alluring, in a buxom, bad-girl kind of way.
Frasier: Oh, shut up, you horny idiot! [pause] My bandage seems a little loose. If Ben gets here, just tell him I went in to fix it. [leaves for bathroom]
Bebe watches Frasier go toward restroom.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Int. restroom Frasier enters and closes the door. He walks to the mirror to examine his bandage. Bebe opens the door and enters right behind him.
Bebe: Frasier, we have to talk.
Frasier: [angry] Are you aware that you are in the men's room?
Bebe: Oh, please, if I paid attention to signs with little pictures on them... I'd never get a parking space. [closes door] Now, it's time we both dropped the masks. You need me, and I want you back. Just sign this contract. I'll cut you a deal that'll make Roz's look like lunch money.
Frasier: Isn't there a zebra carcass somewhere you should be hovering over?
Bebe: You wanna see a carcass, chum? [grabs Frasier and faces him toward mirror] Look in the mirror. Look what you've let that man do to you. Your face is riddled with bird bites, your name's a punchline, and your career is five minutes from over, and he's only been your agent for three days!
We see Frasier in the mirror. He holds a hand up to his mouth, looking horrified at "what he has become."
Bebe: Send him in against the Hammer and you'll be doing fog reports from a lighthouse in Puget Sound! [turns him around toward her almost violently] Admit it! You're scared!
Frasier: [desperately] All right, maybe I am scared! But... there is one thing that is stronger than fear! Faith! Faith that a good man with a good heart can make a good deal! [pushes her back] Now get out of my way!
Bebe: No, I won't let you! D'you know what I've been through building your career? I have been to hell and back so often I have frequent flier miles! [runs to him, grabs the lapels of his coat and pulls him toward her] You owe me a second chance!
Frasier: Take your tentacles off of me! [shoves her away, rushes out]
Bebe: [calling after him] Please! I won't be the same Bebe you knew! I'll change! I'll be like Ben! [pause] Only competent!
At the table, Roz is nibbling on Niles's biscotti. He has his hand on her shoulder and is holding the plate up to catch crumbs. He's watching with a dazed, dreamy look on his face. He looks up when he sees Frasier and Bebe emerge from the men�s room.
Bebe: [chasing Frasier] Darling, you forgot to sign!
Niles: [starting to stand] Oh, you reconciled. Congratulations, I'll just be off to Maris's.
Frasier: Sit down, Niles! I'm still with Ben.
Ben enters in a black trench coat.
Frasier: Ben!
Ben: Sorry I'm late. I took my son's troop on a nature hike and little Noah got a bee sting, so I rushed him to the emergency room, then I came straight here.
Frasier: It's all right, we've got five minutes.
Ben: Excuse me. [leaves]
Roz: Now, Frasier, you know Bebe can make you a better deal.
Niles: Listen to Roz.
Bebe: Listen to Niles.
Frasier: I'm not listening to any of you! My God, am I the last man on God's green earth that's still willing to stand up for a principle?
Ben comes back sans trench coat. He is wearing a boy scout uniform, complete with shorts and red tie/sash.
Ben: Should we go over those demands for ol' Mr. Hammer?
There is a long pause. Frasier looks very regretful. Before he even begins speaking, Niles takes out his cell phone and dials.
Frasier: [hesitantly] Ben, could we have a word?
Niles: [into phone] Hello, Maris!
Ben and Frasier go to corner booth.
Frasier: Uh, listen, I don't think it's news to you that things haven't been going so smoothly with us, and I think I'd feel more comfortable with Bebe. I know this must seem a bit of a shock to you, but, ah-
Ben: [laugh] No, I saw this coming. Yesterday, when you threw that little couch at me, I thought to myself, "This is not a happy client."
Frasier: Thanks for understanding.
Frasier and Ben stand, Ben leaves to get his coat, Frasier walks over to where Bebe is standing beside the counter and Roz is sitting at the closest table. Niles has just closed his cell phone and is now rushing out the door.
Niles: [o.s] Taxi! Frasier goes to stand by Bebe at the counter.
Bebe: [handing over paper and pen; almost affectionately] Sign right here, darling.
Frasier: You know, I'm holding you to that promise about changing. I won't stand for any more shady doings.
Bebe: [almost sincerely] Those days are all behind me.
Frasier: Once you've worked out this thing with the Hammer, maybe you can see what you can do about defusing this bird situation.
Ben walks back over with his trench coat.
Ben: Oh, you don't have to worry about the crane anymore. The poor thing choked to death this morning. They have no idea who would feed a bird a jawbreaker. Bye, now.
Ben leaves. Frasier turns slowly to Bebe.
Frasier: [hopefully and fearfully at once] Is there any chance it wasn't you?
Bebe: Oh, darling... [looks around, trying to come up with an answer he'll be satisfied with] There's always a chance.
Frasier: [ponders] I can live with that. [signs papers]
[SCENE_BREAK]
END OF ACT TWO
[SCENE_BREAK]
Frasier walks into his apartment to see Daphne, holding a pad wearing dark, Sigmund Freud-ish glasses, sitting on the coffee table beside Eddie, who is lying on the little toy couch, also on the coffee table. She puts a finger to her lips, gesturing for Frasier to be quiet. She writes on the pad. Frasier goes to his bookcase, gets a book, walks over, and hits Daphne in the head. She laughs as he walks away. | Plan: A: Frasier; Q: Who insists that both he and Niles do the ethical thing? A: Bebe Glazer; Q: Who was Frasier's former agent? A: , well-meaning but non-confrontational Ben. Maris' insistence; Q: Who is Frasier's current agent? A: their latest couples' therapist; Q: What did Maris want Niles to fire? A: their weekly conjugal visits; Q: What did Niles and Maris put on hold? A: the wrong sort; Q: What kind of publicity does Ben bring to Frasier? A: publicity; Q: What does Ben bring Frasier that is not good for him? A: trouble; Q: What does Niles have with controlling his pent-up urges? A: sex; Q: What is Niles trying to get out of his counseling sessions? Summary: Frasier has to choose whether to return to his heartless former agent, Bebe Glazer, or stick with his current representative, well-meaning but non-confrontational Ben. Maris' insistence that Niles fire their latest couples' therapist, and Niles' refusal to do so, put their weekly conjugal visits on hiatus. Ben brings Frasier the wrong sort of publicity and Niles has trouble controlling his pent-up urges, but Frasier insists that both he and Niles do the ethical thing: Frasier must stay with his ethical agent, and Niles must not fire a perfectly good counselor just to have sex. |
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, 3:02 A.M., Chandler is up. There's a knock on the door and Chandler answers it.]
Monica: (quietly) Hi!
Chandler: (quietly) Hi! (They both start kissing.)
(Joey enters and Chandler pushes her away.)
Joey: Monica? What time is it?
Chandler: Uhh, 9. (He pushes the clock into the sink.)
Joey: But it's dark out.
Monica: Well that's because you always sleep to noon, silly! This is what 9 looks like.
Joey: I guess I'll get washed up then. Watch that sunrise. (He goes into the bathroom.)
Monica: I'm really getting tired of sneaking around.
Chandler: I know, me too. Hey! Y'know what if we went away for a whole weekend? Y'know we'd have no interruptions and we could be naked the entire time.
Monica: All weekend? That's a whole lotta naked.
Chandler: Yeah, I can say that I have a conference and you can say you have a chef thing.
Monica: Ohh, I've always wanted to go to this culinary fair that they have in Jersey!
Chandler: Okay, y'know your not though. Let's go. (He starts for his bedroom.)
Monica: Wait! What about Joey?
(Chandler opens the bathroom door to reveal Joey passed out on the toilet with a toothbrush in his mouth.)
Opening Credits
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the next morning, Chandler, Joey, and Phoebe are eating breakfast.]
Monica: (entering from her room) Hey, guess what I'm doing this weekend! I'm going to this culinary fair in New Jersey.
Phoebe: Oh weird, Chandler just told us he's got a conference there!
Monica: Oh now that-that-that's funny, it seems like Chandler's conference could've been in Connecticut or Vermont.
Chandler: I'm not in charge of where the conference is held. Do you want people to think it's a fake conference? It's a real conference.
Ross: (entering) Hey.
Joey: Hey!
Monica: Hey.
Ross: Is Rachel here? I gotta talk to her.
Monica: No, she's out shopping.
Ross: Damn!
Chandler: What's going on?
Ross: I told Emily to come. And I just need to y'know, talk to Rachel about it.
Phoebe: Wait a minute! So when Emily comes you're just, you're not gonna see Rachel anymore?
Ross: Well look, I'm just trying to focus on the "I get to see my wife," part, all right? And not the part that makes me do this. (He takes a big swig of Pepto Bismol.)
Monica: Wow, so you guys are, you're never gonna be in the same room together? How is that even gonna work?
Ross: I have no idea. I mean... But-but I assure you I will figure it out.
(They all reflect briefly on what was said.)
Joey: Doesn't seem like it's going to work, I mean...
Rachel: (entering) Hi, guys!
Joey: Hi!
Chandler: Uh, hey!
Rachel: What's going on?
Chandler: We're flipping Monica's mattress.
Joey: So I'm thinking, basically we pick it up and then we flip it.
Phoebe: Yeah that's better than my way.
(They all agree and head to Monica's room.)
Rachel: Oh okay, hey guys, would you flip mine too?
Chandler: Aww, man! (They go into Monica's room.)
Rachel: (going through the mail) Oh look! A letter from my mom.
Ross: So, Rach, y'know-y'know how Emily's coming right?
Rachel: Oh yeah! I know.
[Cut to Monica's bedroom, Chandler is trying to listen through the door.]
Phoebe: (To Chandler) Can you hear anything?
Chandler: Oh yes, somebody just said, "Can you hear anything?"
(Joey is bent over at the waist and is looking for something under Monica's bed.)
Monica: Hey, Joey's ass! What are you doing?
Joey: (holding a box) Well, remember when they got in that big fight and broke up and we were all stuck in her with no food or anything? Well, when Ross said Rachel at the wedding, I figured it was gonna happen again, so I hid this in here.
Monica: Ooh, candy bars, crossword puzzles...
Phoebe: Ooh, Madlibs, mine! (Grabs it.)
Chandler: Condoms?
Joey: You don't know how long we're gonna be in here! We may have to repopulate the Earth.
Chandler: And condoms are the way to do that?
[Cut to the living room.]
Ross: Anyway it-it kinda-it all boils down to this, the last time I talked to Emily...
Rachel: (interrupting) Oh my God! My dog died!
Ross: What?!
Rachel: Oh my God, Le Poo, our dog!
Ross: Le Poo's still alive?!
Rachel: Oh God, it says he was hit by an ice cream truck and dragged for nine-(turns over the note)-teen blocks. Oh. (They all come out from Monica's bedroom) Oh my God.
Monica: Sweetie, we heard you crying. Please don't cry.
Rachel: It's Le Poo.
Phoebe: I know it's le poo right now, but it'll get better.
[Scene: Atlantic City, New Jersey, Chandler and Monica are about to start their weekend of s*x, s*x, nothing but s*x.]
Chandler: (jumping on the bed) I can't believe it! We're here!
Monica: Ooh, chocolates on the pillows! I love that!
Chandler: Oh, you should live with Joey, Roll-os everywhere.
Monica: Come here. (He does, and they kiss.) Okay, be right back.
(Goes to the bathroom and Chandler turns on the TV and finds a high-speed police chase.)
Chandler: Oh yes! Monica, get in here! There's a high-speed car chase on!
(Monica returns, carrying a glass.)
Monica: We're switching rooms.
Chandler: (looks at what she's holding and shies away) Oh dear God, they gave us glasses!
Monica: No, they gave us glasses with lipstick on them! I mean, if they didn't change the glasses, who knows what else they didn't change. (He glares at her.) Come on sweetie, I just want this weekend to be perfect, I mean we can change rooms, can't we?
Chandler: Okay, but let's do it now though, because Chopper 5 just lost it's feed! (He grabs their bags and sprints out.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is trying to tell Rachel about Emily's ultimatum again.]
Ross: Hey, so uh, y'know how there's something I wanted to talk to you about?
Rachel: Oh yeah! (Turns to face him.)
Ross: Well, y'know how I'm trying to work things out with Emily. Well, there's this one thing... Okay, (Rachel has her back turned to the camera, and Ross isn't looking at her.) here goes. I made a promise that-(they cut to the other camera and Ross notices something coming out of Rachel's nose)-Oh hey!
Rachel: What?
Ross: You're nose is bleeding!
Rachel: Oh God. (He hands her some tissues.) No! Oh not again! (Wiping her nose.) This-this happened when my grandfather died. It's ugh! Sorry. (She puts her head back.) Oh, okay, so I'm sorry, what-what were you-what did you want to tell me?
Ross: Umm... (Rachel blows her nose.)
Rachel: Sorry. Sorry.
Ross: Okay, I uh, I can't see you anymore.
Rachel: Yeah, I know. It's ridiculous! I can't see you either.
[Scene: Chandler and Monica's weekend, a hotel clerk is showing them their new room.]
Hotel Clerk: I think you'll find this room more to your liking.
Chandler: Okay, great. (He grabs the remote and turns on the TV to the chase.)
Hotel Clerk: (watching the chase) They say he's only got half a tank left.
Chandler: Half a tank? We still got a lot of high-speed chasing to do!
Monica: We're switching rooms again.
Chandler: What? Why?
Monica: This is a garden view room, and we paid for an ocean view room.
Hotel Clerk: Our last ocean view room was unacceptable to you.
Monica: (To Chandler) Excuse me, umm, can I talk to you over here for just a second?
Chandler: Uh-huh. (He doesn't take his eyes off the TV.)
Monica: Chandler!
Chandler: (turning to face her) Yeah.
Monica: Look, these clowns are trying to take us for a ride and I'm not gonna let 'em! And we're not a couple of suckers!
Chandler: I hear ya, Mugsy! But look, all these rooms are fine okay? Can you just pick one so I can watch-(realizes)-have a perfect, magical weekend together with you.
[Time lapse, Monica and Chandler have changed rooms yet again.]
Monica: Okay, this one I like!
Chandler: (watching TV, in fact, ER is on.) Nothing! It's over! Dammit! This is regularly scheduled programming!
Monica: Can we turn the TV off? Okay? Do we really want to spend the entire weekend like this?
Chandler: Oh, I'm sorry, am I getting in the way of all the room switching fun?
Monica: Hey, don't blame me for wigging tonight!
Chandler: Oh, who should I blame? The nice bell man who had to drag out luggage to 10 different rooms?
Monica: I don't know, how about the idiot who thought he could drive from Albany to Canada on a half a tank of gas!
Chandler: Do not speak ill of the dead.
Monica: We're supposed to uh, be spending a romantic weekend together, it-it, what is the matter with you?
Chandler: I just want to watch a little television. What is the big deal? Geez, relax mom.
Monica: What did you say?
Chandler: I said, "Geez, relax Monnnnn."
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is reading a magazine and has two tissues stuck up her nose in an attempt to stop the bleeding and as she hears Ross enter, she quickly hides her face behind the magazine and removes the tissues.]
Rachel: Hi!
Ross: Hey. Rachel, I-I-I've been wanting to tell you something for a while now and I really, I just have to get it out.
Rachel: Okay, what's up?
Ross: Okay, y'know how you told me I should do whatever it takes to fix my marriage?
Rachel: Yeah, I told you to give Emily whatever she wants.
Ross: And while that was good advice, you should know that what-what she wants...
Rachel: Yeah?
Ross: ...is for me not to see you anymore.
Rachel: That's crazy! You can't do that! What are you going to tell her? (Pause) (Realizes) Oh God. Ohh, you already agreed to this, haven't you?
Ross: It's awful I know, I mean, I feel terrible but I have to do this if I want my marriage to work. And I do, I have to make this marriage work. I have too. But the good thing is we can still see each other until she gets here.
Rachel: Ohh! Lucky me! Oh my God! That is good news, Ross! I think that's the best news I've heard since Le Poo died!
Ross: You have no idea what a nightmare this has been. This is so hard.
Rachel: Oh yeah, really? Is it Ross? Yeah? Okay, well let me make this a just a little bit easier for you.
Ross: What are you doing?
Rachel: Storming out!
Ross: Rachel, this is your apartment.
Rachel: Yeah, well that's how mad I am!!
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is returning from his disastrous weekend. He throws his bag down and sits down on one of the leather chairs, but he sits on something and picks it up and throws it away.]
Chandler: Damn Rollos!
Joey: Hey, you're back!
Chandler: Hey.
Joey: How was your conference?
Chandler: It was terrible. I fought with (Pause) my colleagues y'know, the entire time. Are you kidding with this? (Throws away another Rollo)
Joey: Oh, so your weekend was a total bust?
Chandler: Uh, no, I got to see Donald Trump waiting for an elevator.
Monica: (entering) Hi!
Joey: Hey, you're back too!
Monica: Yeah. Umm, Chandler can I talk to you outside for a second?
Joey: Hey, how was your chef thing?
Monica: Oh, it was awful. (To Chandler) I guess some people just don't appreciate really good food.
Chandler: Well, maybe it was the kind of food that tasted good at first but then made everybody vomit and have diarrhea.
Monica: Chandler! (Motions for him to come outside.)
Chandler: Monica. (Follows her out.)
[In the hall.]
Monica: Okay, I'd like to know how much the room was because I'd like to pay my half.
Chandler: Okay, fine, $300.
Monica: 300 dollars?!
Chandler: Yeah, just think of it as $25 per room!
Monica: Urghh!!
Joey: (sticking his head out the door) What are you guys woofing about?
Monica: Chandler stole a twenty from my purse!
Joey: Nooooo!!! Y'know what? Now that I think about it, I constantly find myself without twenties and you always have lots!
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is drinking some Alka-Seltzer. The rest of the gang, minus Rachel is there as well.]
Ross: You should've seen the look on her face. I don't want Rachel to hate me! I don't know what to do.
Joey: You want my advice?
Ross: Yes! Please!
Joey: You're not gonna like it.
Ross: That's okay.
Joey: You got married to fast.
Ross: That's not advice!
Joey: I told ya.
Ross: I'm going to the bathroom. (Gets up and exits.)
Joey: Man, if anyone asked me to give up any of you, I couldn't do it.
Chandler and Phoebe: Yeah, me either.
Monica: Maybe I could do it.
Rachel: (entering) Hi!
Joey: Hi, Rach.
Chandler: Hi!
Phoebe: Hey.
Monica: Hey.
Rachel: Look, I know you guys heard about the whole thing with me and Ross but y'know, I've been obsessing about it all day and I'd just love not to talk about it. All right?
Joey: I-I-I don't know if this falls under this category, but uh, Ross is right back there. (Points over his shoulder.)
Rachel: That's not Ross!
Phoebe: Oh no! Not that guy! He does look like him though.
Chandler: Okay, Ross is in the bathroom.
Rachel: Oh my God, its happening. It's already started. I'm Kip.
Joey: Hey, you're not Kip!
Rachel: (To Joey) Do you even know who Kip is?
Joey: Who cares? You're Rachel! (To Chandler) Who's Kip?
Chandler: Kip, my old roommate, y'know we all used to hang out together.
Joey: Oh, that poor b*st*rd.
Rachel: See? Yeah, you told me the story. He and Monica dated when they broke up they couldn't even be in the same room together and you all promised that you would stay his friend and what happened? He got phased out!
Monica: You're not gonna be phased out!
Rachel: Well, of course I am! It's not gonna happen to Ross! He's your brother. (To Chandler) He's your old college roommate. Ugh, it was just a matter of time before someone had to leave the group. I just always assumed Phoebe would be the one to go.
Phoebe: Ehh!!
Rachel: Honey, come on! You live far away! You're not related. You lift right out.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is watching TV.]
Chandler: (entering) Hey!
Joey: Hey, Mr. Bing. That uh, hotel you stayed at called. Said someone left an eyelash curler in your room.
Chandler: Yes that was mine.
Joey: 'Cause I figured you'd hooked up with some girl and she'd left it there.
Chandler: Yes that would have made more sense.
Joey: Y'know, I-I don't even feel like I know you anymore man! All right, look, I'm just gonna ask you this one time. And whatever you say, I'll believe ya. (Pause.) Were you, or were you not on a gay cruise?!
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is sitting on couch and Rachel is getting some coffee. Phoebe keeps turning her head from to keep from looking at Rachel.]
Rachel: Phoebe? (She turns her head further away.) I'm sorry about the whole lifting out thing. (Moves over next to her.) You gotta come with me!
Phoebe: Come where?
Rachel: Wherever I go. Come on you and me, we'll-we'll start a new group, we're the best ones.
Phoebe: Okay, but try and get Joey too.
Ross: (entering) Pheebs, you mind if I speak to Rachel alone for a sec?
Phoebe: Oh, sure! (She gets up to leave.) Bye Ross! (Whispering behind his back.) Forever.
Ross: Hi.
Rachel: Hi. What are you doing here? Isn't this against the rules?
Ross: I talked to Monica, look, I'm the one who made the choice. I'm the one who's making things change, so I should be the one to y'know, step back.
Rachel: Oh, Ross...
Ross: No, no, it's okay. Really. They're plenty of people who just see their sisters at Thanksgiving and just see their college roommates at reunions and just see Joey at Burger King. So is, is that better?
Rachel: No, it's not better. I still don't get to see you.
Ross: Well, what-what would you do? Rach, if you were me, what-what would you do?
Rachel: Well, for starters I would've said the right name at my wedding!
Ross: I can't believe this is happening.
Rachel: I know.
Ross: I am so sorry.
Rachel: I know that too.
Joey: (entering) (He clears his throat to get their attention.) Hey, Rach? Sorry to interrupt but umm, Phoebe wanted me to talk to you about a trip or something.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is doing a crossword puzzle.]
Chandler: (entering) Hey!
Monica: Hi.
Chandler: I just came over to drop off...nothing. So that weekend kinda sucked, huh?
Monica: Yeah, it did.
Chandler: So, I guess this is over.
Monica: What?
Chandler: Well, y'know, you and me, it had to end sometime.
Monica: Why, exactly?
Chandler: Because of the weekend, we had a fight.
Monica: Chandler that's crazy! If you give up every time you'd have a fight with someone you'd never be with anyone longer than-Ohhh! (They both realize something there.)
Chandler: So, this isn't over?
Monica: (laughs) You are so cute! No. No, it was a fight. You deal with it and move on! It's nothing to freak out about.
Chandler: Really? Okay. Great!
Monica: Ohh, welcome to an adult relationship! (She goes to kiss him.)
Chandler: (stops her) We're in a relationship?
Monica: I'm afraid so.
Chandler: Okay.
(They kiss.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica, Rachel, Joey, and Chandler are there as Phoebe enters.]
Phoebe: Hey!
Monica: Hey!
Phoebe: Oh hey, Monica, I heard you saw Donald Trump at your convention.
Monica: Yeah, I saw him waiting for an elevator.
(Joey thinks that sounds familiar, but dismisses the thought.)
Monica: Hey, Rach, can I borrow your eyelash curler, I think I lost mine.
Rachel: Yeah, it's in there. (Points to the bathroom.)
(Joey puts two and two together.)
Joey: (shocked) Oh! Ohh! Oh!!
Chandler: Joey, can I talk to you for a second? (He grabs him and starts to drag Joey into Monica's room.)
Joey: Oohh!! Ohh! Oh-oh-oh! Oh-oh!!
(Chandler pushes him through the door and Monica closes it behind them.)
[Cut to Monica's room, Chandler tackles Joey onto her bed and tries to cover his mouth.]
Joey: Ohhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!
Chandler: Yes. Yes. (Lets him up.)
Joey: (To Chandler) You?! (To Monica) And-and you?!
Monica: Yes, but you cannot tell anyone! No one knows!
Joey: How?! When?!
Chandler: It happened in London.
Joey: IN LONDON!!!
Chandler: The reason we didn't tell anyone was because we didn't want to make a big deal out of it.
Joey: But it is a big deal!! I have to tell someone!
(They both grab him and stop him.)
Chandler: No-no-no-no-no! You can't!
Monica: Please? Please?! We just don't want to deal with telling everyone, okay? Just promise you won't tell.
(Joey thinks it over.)
Joey: All right! Man, this is unbelievable! I mean, it's great, but...
Monica: I know, it's great!
(She goes over and kisses Chandler.)
Joey: Aww, I don't want to see that!
[Cut to Phoebe and Rachel.]
Phoebe: We're so stupid! Do you know what's going on in there? They're trying to take Joey!
Ending Credits
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the gang, minus Ross are playing Madlibs. Phoebe is reading hers.]
Phoebe: The most popular Phoebe in tennis is called the overhand Phoebe. And if you win, you must slap your opponent on the Phoebe and say, "Hi, Phoebe!"
Monica: Oh that's cute! We really all enjoyed it. But y'know, it doesn't count.
Phoebe: Count for what?
Monica: Count in our heads as-as good Madlibs.
(They putting their notepads down and get up to leave.)
Joey: I guess I'm done.
Chandler: Fun's over!
Monica: Wait-wait, guys! If-if we follow the rules, it's still fun and it means something!
Rachel: Uh-huh!
Joey: I think I'm gonna take-off.
Monica: Guys, rules are good! Rules help control the fun! (They all leave and close the door on Monica.) Ohhh! (Throws her notepad down in disgust.) | Plan: A: Ross; Q: Who tells Rachel that Emily does not want to see her anymore? A: Rachel; Q: Who is worried about being phased out of the group? A: Chandler's old roommate; Q: What is Kip? A: Phoebe; Q: Who does Rachel seek advice from? A: fighting; Q: What happens when Monica and Chandler sneak away for a weekend together? A: the truth; Q: What does Joey find out about Monica and Chandler's relationship? A: secrecy; Q: What do Monica and Chandler swear Joey to? Summary: Ross tells Rachel that Emily does not want him to see her anymore. Rachel then worries she will be phased out of the group entirely, much like Chandler's old roommate, Kip, and seeks advice from Phoebe. Monica and Chandler sneak away for a weekend together and end up fighting. Joey eventually figures out the truth about their relationship, though they swear him to secrecy. |
5:15pm - 5:40pm
[SCENE_BREAK]
1: INT. TARDIS. CONSOLE ROOM
DOCTOR: Well, I suggest before we go outside and explore, let us clean ourselves up.
SUSAN: Oh, yes!
(The DOCTOR takes up his coat and points at an instrument on the console.)
DOCTOR: Now, what does the radiation read, Susan?
(SUSAN looks at a dial on the console.)
SUSAN: It's reading normal, Grandfather.
(The travellers walk off into another section of the ship. Behind them, the needle on the dial suddenly moves...into the "Danger" zone - a warning light begins to flash....)
[SCENE_BREAK]
2: EXT. FOREST
(The forest outside the ship seems to radiate heat.)
(The strangely shaped trees have heavy rings round the trunks and rise from a white, ashy soil.)
(Other foliage hangs from the upper branches and shrubs with stark tendril leaves adorn the forest floor. The travellers emerge from the TARDIS in fresh clothes although the DOCTOR would simply seem to be in a cleaned up version of his usual apparel. They all look round at their strange surroundings.)
BARBARA: There's been a forest fire. Everything's sort of white and ashen.
IAN: Funny mist.
DOCTOR: The heat must have been indescribable.
(He picks up a chunk of soil.)
DOCTOR: Look at this soil here. Look at it! It's all turned to sand and ashes.
(He hands a piece of soil each to BARBARA and SUSAN.)
DOCTOR: Extraordinary. How can shrubs and trees grow in soil like that, hmm?
(They brush the soil off their hands.)
IAN: Something else that's strange. There's quite a breeze blowing.
SUSAN: Well?
IAN: Well, look at the branches and things.
(A look at the branches reveals what IAN'S talking about.)
SUSAN: (Surprised.) But, they don't seem to be moving.
BARBARA: They're not - they're absolutely still.
(As the others move off, IAN walks up to a branch and plucks at it. It comes off the tree in his fingers, with a small cloud of dust.)
IAN: (Amazed.) Huh...like stone, look!
(He rejoins the others, showing them the branch.)
IAN: Very brittle stone! It...it crumbles when you touch it - look.
(He gives a piece of the branch to each of the party.)
DOCTOR: It's petrified! How fascinating, a petrified jungle! Hmm...extraordinary. Yes, I must really investigate that. Couldn't have been heat, then...and age would merely decay.
SUSAN: What could have caused it, Grandfather?
DOCTOR: I don't know, I don't know - but I intend to find out.
(He starts walking off through the forest.)
SUSAN: Well, I'm coming too.
(She follows him out of sight. A worried BARBARA is left alone with IAN.)
BARBARA: Ian, where are we?
IAN: I don't know.
BARBARA: Well, why doesn't he take us back?
IAN: I'm not sure that he can.
BARBARA: (Upset.) What - ever?
(She walks away a few paces. IAN goes after her.)
IAN: I hate it as much as you - I'm just as afraid. But what can we do?
BARBARA: Well, we could at least stay near the ship.
IAN: Hmm! The ship's no good without him. We'd better keep an eye on him. He seems to have a knack of getting himself into trouble.
BARBARA: You think there's any danger?
IAN: Not necessarily...
BARBARA: But don't be too complacent? No, you're right, I suppose. I just wish...
IAN: (Smiles.) We'll be all right.
BARBARA: (Smiles.) Yes.
(She starts off after the DOCTOR and SUSAN.)
BARBARA: Well, I suppose we'd better make sure he doesn't fall down and break a leg.
(She pauses and turns back to IAN with a smile.)
BARBARA: Don't you ever think he deserves something to happen to him?
IAN: (Laughs.) Yes!
(He follows her further into the forest.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
3: EXT. ANOTHER PART OF THE FOREST
(The DOCTOR and SUSAN have moved some distance into the petrified forest and have arrived in a clearing. As the DOCTOR examines one of the trees, SUSAN spots something on the ground and gets down on her knees in front of it.)
SUSAN: Oh, Grandfather, look!
(The object of her attention is a perfect flower.)
SUSAN: It's a flower! A perfect flower! Well, it's even kept some of its colour!
DOCTOR: (Not paying attention.) Yes, very pretty, very pretty...hmm!
(IAN and BARBARA walk into the clearing. SUSAN motions them to join her.)
SUSAN: Hey look! Look what I've found!
IAN: Oh, that's beautiful!
SUSAN: Isn't it? I'm going to try and pick it, and keep it all in one piece.
IAN: Oh, be careful, it'll be very fragile...
(BARBARA walks off a little distance. As she walks round a tree, she gasps in horror at the sight in front of her. Meanwhile, IAN picks the flower and passes it to SUSAN.)
IAN: There we are...
SUSAN: Beautiful! When I get it back to the ship...
BARBARA: (OOV: Frightened.) Ian!
SUSAN: ...I'm going to put it into a glass case...
BARBARA: (OOV: Frightened.) Ian!
SUSAN: ...and then I'll try and get...
IAN: (Shouts.) Coming! Coming!
(Startled, he shoves the flower in SUSAN'S hand and he runs off after his companion. The flower cracks like an eggshell. SUSAN'S face falls. IAN reaches BARBARA'S side.)
IAN: What is it? What's the matter?
(Without a word, she points. In front of them is a small reptilian-looking creature. It is vicious in appearance with a pointed snout, long teeth, and eyes on stalks. IAN walks slowly towards it. The DOCTOR walks behind a tree to the other end of the creature. BARBARA gets alarmed as IAN nears the creature.)
BARBARA: No!
(IAN pushes her back and walks carefully up to the creature. He waves a hand in front of it. There is no movement. He laughs.)
IAN: It's all right. Like everything else in this place... (He taps its head.) - solid stone.
BARBARA: It's hideous.
IAN: Yes, it is...
(He suddenly realises something.)
IAN: It's also significant - nothing on Earth could look like this.
BARBARA: It looks like some sculptor's nightmare.
(The DOCTOR, his glasses on, has been studying the creature from the other side.)
DOCTOR: Yes, it's certainly alien to anything on your planet. But you're wrong about one thing, Chesterfield. This isn't like everything else. The animal is sidi...solidified, certainly, but, it's not, er... (He taps it.) ...crumbly stone. It's metal. Yes, it always was.
IAN: What, even when it was alive? But that's impossible!
DOCTOR: Why? Can't you imagine an animal unless it's flesh, blood and bone, hmm? No, I tell you this is an entirely different formation.
(He takes off his glasses.)
DOCTOR: I should say originally it was some pliable metal, held together by, er, a magnetic field, or an inner magnetic field, rather, and it may have had the ability to attract its victims toward it, if they were metal too.
BARBARA: (Disappointed.) We're not on Earth, then?
DOCTOR: No, certainly not.
(IAN and BARBARA look at each other.)
IAN: (To the DOCTOR.) Are you sure?
DOCTOR: Oh, certain. And you needn't look at me like that, young man. We started this journey far too hurriedly to make any calculations. You know that as well as I do. However...we're alive.
(SUSAN has wandered off a few feet, and the DOCTOR joins her. She points ahead.)
SUSAN: Hey, Grandfather, look! The jungle ends over there.
(BARBARA sits herself on a rock, forlorn. IAN stands next to her.)
IAN: Try not to be too upset.
BARBARA: I counted so much on just going back...to things I recognise and trust. But here there's nothing to rely on, nothing.
IAN: Well, there's me!
(BARBARA smiles.)
IAN: Barbara, all I ask you to do is to believe - really believe - we'll go back. We will, you know.
BARBARA: I wish I was more like you. I'm afraid I'm a very unwilling adventurer.
IAN: (Smiles.) Well, I'm not exactly revelling in it myself.
(SUSAN runs up to them.)
SUSAN: Grandfather's talking about fixing our position by the stars.
IAN: Good! Where is he?
SUSAN: (Points.) Just over there.
(IAN walks away to join the DOCTOR.)
BARBARA: Susan?
SUSAN: Hmm?
BARBARA: Don't you have anything in the ship that records the journeys?
SUSAN: Oh yes. There's a meter fixed to a great big bank of computers. If you feed it with the right sort of information, it can take over the controls of the ship and deliver you to any place you want to go.
BARBARA: Then why don't we know where we are?
SUSAN: Well, it's a question of the right information, you see. I don't say that Grandfather doesn't know how to work the ship but he's so forgetful, and then he will go off and...well, he likes to work on his own.
BARBARA: So I've noticed!
SUSAN: Anyway, he's only got to do some...some comp...computations back in the ship and we can move on.
BARBARA: Well, it can't be too soon for me.
(The DOCTOR returns.)
DOCTOR: Well now, are we ready?
BARBARA: Oh, Doctor, have you worked out yet how all this happened?
DOCTOR: No, not really, not really. Whatever it was destroyed everything that was living, but...er...the planet is dead - totally dead.
IAN: (OOV.) Barbara! Doctor! Over here!
(The group goes to join IAN.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
4: EXT. CLIFFEDGE
(He's standing on a cliff at the edge of the forest.)
DOCTOR: What is it, Chesterton? We really must get back...
(His voice trails off, as he, SUSAN and BARBARA see in amazement what IAN is looking at. In the far distance in the valley, below a huge mountain range, a massive city stretches across the blasted landscape. Completely white like everything else, this metallic city is heavy in geometrically designed buildings, clusters of gadgetry and streamlined curves. SUSAN gasps at the incredible sight.)
DOCTOR: Oh, It's fascinating!
BARBARA: A city! A huge city!
(The DOCTOR pulls out an unusual pair of binoculars that resemble spectacles. He puts them on and gazes out at the city.)
IAN: Well, Doctor, can you see anything? Any sign of life?
(His view through the binoculars travels over the strange architecture.)
DOCTOR: No, no, no - no sign of life. No, just the buildings. Magnificent buildings, I...
SUSAN: Oh, let me have a look?
(The DOCTOR pulls off the spectacles and gives them to SUSAN to use. Her view through the binoculars is similarly impressive.)
SUSAN: Oh, it's fabulous! Here, you have a look...
(She passes the spectacles over to BARBARA.)
IAN: What do you think, Doctor?
DOCTOR: I don't know, I don't know.
(BARBARA passes the spectacles to IAN.)
DOCTOR: Whatever it was destroyed the vegetation here certainly hasn't damaged the city. But there's no sign of life...no movement, no light, no...no, I...I shall know more about it when I've been down there.
BARBARA: (Vehemently.) Down there? Oh no! We're going back to the ship!
DOCTOR: Now don't be ridiculous! That city down there is a magnificent subject for study and I don't intend to leave here until I've thoroughly investigated it.
IAN: Well, it's too late to talk about it now. It's getting dark. We'll discuss it when we get back to the ship.
SUSAN: Yes, whatever you decide, it's too late to get down there now.
DOCTOR: Yes, yes, yes, all right then. But I assure you I'm determined to study that place.
IAN: Well, you can do what you like, as long as you don't endanger the rest of us.
(IAN starts to lead BARBARA off.)
DOCTOR: Very well then, I shall look at it myself - alone.
(This stops them dead in their tracks. IAN walks back to the DOCTOR.)
IAN: You're the only one who can operate the ship. I'm afraid I can't let you do that, Doctor.
(He holds up his spectacles.)
DOCTOR: Your glasses?
(The DOCTOR takes them without a word. He takes a long look at the fog-enshrouded city.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
5: EXT. FOREST CLEARING (EVENING)
(IAN leads the group through the forest.)
IAN: I think this is the way we came...
(SUSAN is the last of the party, and she's straggling behind. Her eyes are scanning the ground, until...)
SUSAN: Good!
(She has found another of the flowers. She carefully plucks it.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
6: EXT. FOREST (EVENING)
(The other three continue through the forest unaware that SUSAN has been left behind.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
7: EXT. FOREST CLEARING (EVENING)
(As SUSAN starts to get up with the flower, she suddenly becomes aware that there is an unseen presence nearby. She gets to her feet, looking round, frantically scared.)
SUSAN: (Shouts.) Who's there?!
(She inches backwards. Suddenly, from out of the bushes, a hand touches her on her shoulder. She gasps, and stumbles to the ground then gets up and runs with a scream.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
8: EXT. FOREST (EVENING)
(The others have reached the TARDIS when they hear her cries. IAN dashes towards the sounds.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
9: EXT. ANOTHER PART OF THE FOREST (EVENING)
(SUSAN meanwhile is crashing through the bushes and screams as she runs into someone's outstretched arms - it is IAN.)
IAN: (Comforting her.) All right Susan, it's all right. You're safe now.
[SCENE_BREAK]
10: INT. TARDIS. CONSOLE ROOM (LATER)
(BARBARA is looking with interest over the console. The DOCTOR joins her.)
BARBARA: Did Susan tell you what frightened her?
DOCTOR: Yes, yes. She's convinced that someone touched her, and I tried to make her see it wasn't possible, but, huh!...I'm afraid she wouldn't listen to me. I wonder, er...would you have a talk with her?
BARBARA: Yes, of course I will.
DOCTOR: (Embarrassed.) Yes, er, you know sometimes I find the gulf between Susan's age and mine makes difficult, er, understanding between us.
BARBARA: (Reassuringly.) I'll see what I can do.
DOCTOR: (Smiles.) Oh, would you? Thank you, thank you very much...be grateful.
(BARBARA walks off.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
11: INT. TARDIS. LIVING AREA
(BARBARA finds SUSAN sitting at a table drawing a sketch.)
BARBARA: Hello.
SUSAN: (Quietly.) Hello.
(BARBARA sits at the desk's edge, looking over the sketch.)
BARBARA: What are you doing?
SUSAN: (Sounding depressed.) Just drawing.
BARBARA: Well, can I see?
(SUSAN dejectedly sits back, lets BARBARA take up the pad and look it over.)
SUSAN: It's the flower I saw in the jungle.
BARBARA: What happened out there?
SUSAN: Nothing...
BARBARA: Well, Ian said you were terrified.
(SUSAN doesn't answer.)
BARBARA: Well, something must have frightened you...
SUSAN: (Upset, stammering.) It's...it's not that so much...it's...it's just that I'm...I'm fed up...no one believes me...
(She gets out of her chair and stands with her face to the wall.)
BARBARA: Believes what?
SUSAN: (Whisper.) Oh, I don't know.
(She slowly turns to face BARBARA again.)
BARBARA: That there was someone out there and they touched you on the shoulder?
SUSAN: There was someone there!
BARBARA: But you didn't see who it was?
SUSAN: No.
(She walks off behind BARBARA'S back and then taps the teacher on the shoulder, making her jump.)
SUSAN: It was like that. A light touch on the shoulder. I couldn't have been mistaken!
BARBARA: Well, I believe you.
SUSAN: But...but...Grandfather says that...it's...it's impossible for anyone to live out there.
BARBARA: Oh, Susan, it isn't that he doesn't believe you. It's just that he finds it difficult to go against his scientific facts.
SUSAN: I know.
(BARBARA puts her arm around the girl.)
BARBARA: Oh, look. Why don't you just try and forget it, for the moment?
(SUSAN nods glumly.)
SUSAN: For the moment.
[SCENE_BREAK]
12: INT. TARDIS. CONSOLE ROOM
(In a side alcove of the control room, behind the scanner and a glass screen, is the bank of computers SUSAN mentioned earlier. The DOCTOR is jotting down notes on a small notepad based on what he sees on the instruments. IAN has accompanied him.)
IAN: What's this one for?
(The DOCTOR ignores him.)
IAN: I don't know how you make sense of any of this.
DOCTOR: (Not paying attention.) Hmm, quite right. Quite right.
IAN: Can you found out where we are?
(He still receives no answer. He speaks louder.)
IAN: Well, Doctor?
DOCTOR: Hmm? Oh...
(He continues with his notes.)
IAN: I was wondering if perhaps you've...
DOCTOR: (Interrupting.) My dear boy, these are eternal questions of yours! "Do I know where we are," I suppose..?
IAN: Now listen, Doctor! I don't want to argue with you. We're fellow travellers whether we like it or not. But for heaven's sake, try and see it from our point of view. You've uprooted us violently from our own lives...
DOCTOR: (Interrupting angrily.) You pushed your way into the ship, young man!
IAN: All right, all right, I admit it, a small part of the blame is ours...
DOCTOR: (To himself.) Oh, "small,"! (Laughs.)
IAN: ...but naturally we're anxious! What are we going to do? Can we live here? What do we eat? There are millions of questions...
DOCTOR: (Interrupting.) A very good idea. I'm hungry!
(IAN rolls his eyes as the DOCTOR wanders off, muttering.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
13: INT. TARDIS. LIVING AREA
(SUSAN is pouring drops of a liquid into a glass of water. BARBARA stands a few feet back, holding her hands to her head. The DOCTOR and IAN walk in. The DOCTOR sees that BARBARA is in some pain.)
DOCTOR: (Gently.) Oh, what's the matter?
BARBARA: Oh, I've suddenly got this terrible headache...
DOCTOR: Oh dear, dear, how irksome for you.
(He notices SUSAN with the medicine.)
DOCTOR: Oh, but this stuff is very good. This should cure it. (To SUSAN.) Now, not too much, dear, not too much...
(He crosses over to a machine nearby. It has two large dials, one circled by numbers, the other by letters. There are several other buttons and light indicators on it.)
SUSAN: No. Oh, Grandfather?
DOCTOR: Mmm?
SUSAN: I'm sorry I was so silly just now.
(He pats her shoulder as he begins pushing buttons on the machine which makes various noises. SUSAN hands BARBARA the glass of medicine.)
SUSAN: Here, try this.
BARBARA: Thank you.
(BARBARA drinks it down whilst the DOCTOR pulls what looks like a chocolate bar from the machine. He tears open the foil wrapping, takes a bite, and eats. BARBARA finishes the medicine.)
BARBARA: Ooh, it's very nice.
(She passes the glass back.)
SUSAN: Oh, thank you.
IAN: Let's hope it does you some good.
(SUSAN takes the glass back then nudges the DOCTOR who eats his bar of food. She indicates the two teachers.)
DOCTOR: (To IAN and BARBARA.) Oh, er, did you want something to eat? What would you like, hmm?
BARBARA: I'd like some bacon and eggs.
(SUSAN moves over to the machine.)
IAN: All right, bacon and eggs!
DOCTOR: Bacon and eggs...
IAN: But, er...
SUSAN: The TARDIS is fully automatic.
(The DOCTOR takes a small notebook from atop the machine and flips through it.)
DOCTOR: Yes, certainly, certainly.
(He reads the notebook.)
DOCTOR: Er, J62...
(SUSAN turns the two large dials on the machine.)
SUSAN: J...6...2...
DOCTOR: L6.
SUSAN: L...6.
(She presses a large button in the centre. The machine whirrs for a moment.)
IAN: I hope mine doesn't taste of engine grease!
DOCTOR: (Wagging his finger.) Now, now, now, now, don't be ridiculous.
BARBARA: Shall I get plates and things.
SUSAN: No. There's no need to.
(The whirring stops. The DOCTOR kneels down and pulls from the machine two more bars in white trays.)
DOCTOR: Here we are then.
SUSAN: Thanks.
(He gives one to SUSAN, who passes it onto to IAN as the DOCTOR passes another to BARBARA.)
SUSAN: (To IAN.) Eggs and bacon
BARBARA: (To the DOCTOR.) Thank you.
DOCTOR: Bacon and eggs.
IAN: What, this?
SUSAN: Go on, try it!
(They cautiously open the wrappers and take a small bite.)
DOCTOR: Well...?
(IAN takes another bite before answering.)
IAN: Hmm...not bad.
(The DOCTOR looks exasperated.)
IAN: What do you think, Barbara?
BARBARA: I think it's delicious!
IAN: My bacon's a bit salty.
DOCTOR: (Snaps.) Well it shouldn't be - it's English!
(IAN cannot keep a straight face anymore, and grins as the women giggle.)
IAN: No, seriously Doctor, this is remarkable! I mean, one bite and I taste the bacon, another and I taste the egg, how do you do it?
DOCTOR: (Eating.) Well, food has component parts, dear boy. Flavours are rather like primary colours. You know, you blend two to achieve a third, and so on...etc, etc.
IAN: Well, I think it's wonderful.
SUSAN: (To BARBARA.) How's your headache now?
BARBARA: Oh, it's much better. I don't usually get them at all.
DOCTOR: Susan, would you like something to eat?
SUSAN: No thanks. I'm not hungry.
DOCTOR: Oh, child. That's unusual. I do hope your experience outside the ship hasn't affected you too much?
SUSAN: No...I think I'll go to bed now anyway.
DOCTOR: Right.
SUSAN: (To BARBARA.) Do you want to know where you can sleep, Miss Wright?
BARBARA: Oh, yes.
(Suddenly, a series of sharp tapping, scraping noises echoes through the ship. The four stop dead in their tracks.)
IAN: Shh...what's that?
(The tapping noise continues on the outside of the ship. They listen intently.)
DOCTOR: The scanner!
(He runs off to the console room.)
SUSAN: There was somebody there!
[SCENE_BREAK]
14: INT. TARDIS. CONSOLE ROOM
(The DOCTOR activates the scanner as the other three watch intently. It displays a large area outside the TARDIS but all that is seen is the dead forest.)
IAN: Nothing - not a thing.
SUSAN: But something must've made that noise!
BARBARA: Look, I've had enough of this. (To the DOCTOR: Pleading.) Please, can't we get out of here?
DOCTOR: Ah, but the city, I must see the city...
BARBARA: (In despair.) But why?
DOCTOR: I will not be questioned! (To himself.) Uninvited passengers. I didn't invite them to the ship... (Louder as IAN walks up.) I shall do what I want to do!
IAN: Why endanger the rest of us by staying here?
SUSAN: Grandfather, please...
(She hugs onto him.)
SUSAN: Please?
(SUSAN'S entreaties seem to soften his attitude. He smiles and pats her hand, then, without a word, he crosses over to the other side of the console. Fully aware everyone's eyes are on him, he throws a switch and a few buttons. The centre column starts rising and falling and the dematerialisation sound fills the air. The DOCTOR pauses and sees that everyone's eyes are on the scanner. He kneels down, and opens a panel on the console's underside. He pulls a small component, glances at it, then only halfway fits it back in and stands back up.)
BARBARA: Well, stone trees are all very well. The next forest I walk through, I want them all to be made of wood.
(IAN smiles. Suddenly, with a booming noise, the central column crashes to a halt, as does the TARDIS itself. The ship shudders as the groan of dematerialisation reoccurs - only slower. The DOCTOR looks over the console's switches and dials.)
SUSAN: What's the matter?
DOCTOR: I don't know. The power take up was rising normally, and er...
IAN: What's wrong?
DOCTOR: Oh, don't distract me please!
(The dematerialisation sound is heard again, then the ship comes to a complete halt.)
SUSAN: Shall I trace it on the fault locator, Grandfather?
DOCTOR: Yes, I think you'd better, child.
(SUSAN runs into the side alcove, and checks a panel wherein there is a paper read-out on a drum.)
SUSAN: K7.
DOCTOR: K7! Ah, yes, of course, the fluid link, yes, yes, yes!
(He kneels down under the console and pulls out the same component that he tampered with a moment ago. SUSAN runs back as he announces his "findings".)
DOCTOR: Yes, yes, there we are, you see, the end of it's unscrewed itself, and the fluid has run out.
IAN: Well, have you got a spare?
DOCTOR: Oh no, no need for that. This is easily repaired. All we have to do is refill it.
IAN: Oh, what liquid do you need?
DOCTOR: Mercury.
IAN: Mercury, Ah! Can I get it for you?
DOCTOR: No, I'm afraid you can't. We haven't any...at all.
IAN: (Shocked.) What?
DOCTOR: No, uh...
IAN: Don't you carry a supply?
DOCTOR: No, it hasn't been necessary. This hasn't hap...happened before...
IAN: But you must have some somewhere, surely?
DOCTOR: No, no, we shall have to get some from outside.
BARBARA: But where? There isn't anything outside but the ci...
(She stops dead as they suddenly suspect the true nature of what has happened.)
IAN: (Quietly angry.) Yes. There's the city.
DOCTOR: (Smiling.) Yes, the city, of course. Of course, we're bound to get some mercury there, yes, we're bound to. Well, I mean, what else can we do, mm?
IAN: (With irony.) It seems we have no alternative. We have to go to the city.
DOCTOR: (Smirking.) Yes, indeed. At, er, first light, then?
(He laughs to himself as he holds the fluid link up to the light.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
15: INT. TARDIS. CONSOLE ROOM (NEXT DAY)
(The scanner still shows the dead forest with no signs of life.)
IAN: Well, it's light enough, and there doesn't seem to be anything out there. We might as well get started. Oh, and Doctor...remember, we're going to this city to find mercury. And once we've found it, we're coming straight back here. Is that clear?
DOCTOR: (Unworried.) Oh, quite so, quite so!
(The doors hum open and the travellers walk out of the TARDIS.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
16: EXT. FOREST
(IAN is the first out, followed by the DOCTOR, BARBARA, and SUSAN, carrying a shoulder bag.)
IAN: Well, shall I lead?
DOCTOR: Yes, by all means...
(IAN takes one step forward before stopping and staring down at the ground.)
IAN: Oh, look!
(A metal object lies on the ground. It resembles a short bar with rounded ends.)
BARBARA: Oh, don't touch it, it may go off.
(IAN kneels down to inspect the box.)
SUSAN: Be careful!
DOCTOR: What is it Chesterton, hmm?
IAN: I don't know. Stand back, all of you.
(He picks up a stick from the ground and gingerly touches the box with the end of it. There is no response. He taps it. There is still nothing. He picks it up.)
IAN: I think it's all right. A metal box.
(He opens it.)
IAN: Ha! It's a box of glass vials! Look!
(He pulls one liquid-filled vial out and holds it up for the others to see.)
DOCTOR: Hmm, let me see...
(IAN hands one to him.)
SUSAN: Then there [b]was[/b] somebody here last night. They must've dropped them. I knew I was right.
IAN: Yes. Sorry, Susan.
(The DOCTOR returns the vial.)
DOCTOR: Yes, I'd like to run a few tests on those...
(IAN replaces the vial in the box and closes it.)
DOCTOR: Susan, would you take these into the ship, please?
SUSAN: Yes.
(She takes the box and goes back in the TARDIS. The DOCTOR calls after her...)
DOCTOR: Thank you. Oh, and by the way, did you remember the food supplies?
SUSAN: (OOV: Inside the TARDIS.) A days supply for four. That's enough isn't it?
DOCTOR: Yes, ample, ample.
IAN: Oh, I trust we won't be more than a couple of hours.
DOCTOR: Hmm.
(SUSAN rejoins them.)
IAN: Are you ready, Susan?
SUSAN: Yes.
IAN: Come on then, off we go.
(The four set out on their journey.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
17: EXT. THE CITY
(The city sits ominous and silent in the valley. Strange fogs and mists swirl around it.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
18: EXT. CITY STREET
(The travellers have arrived at the city. As they walk between the strange buildings, their feet tap on the metallic pavements. They reach an alcove with several strange doors set into it. The DOCTOR seems weakened by the journey and SUSAN has to support him.)
DOCTOR: Uh...Ah, do you mind if I sit down for a minute? I feel...a bit...exhausted...
(SUSAN sets him down on the floor of a the alcove.)
IAN: You all right?
DOCTOR: Oh, yes...I'm, er, just a bit tired. It was a long journey, and my legs are rather weak...
BARBARA: Look, why don't you rest here? Ian and I will look around and see if we...
DOCTOR: No, no, no, no I want to look around too. I...I shall be all right, thank you.
IAN: (Rubbing his forehead.) I must say, I don't feel too good myself. Look, why don't we get this over with quickly? Look for...instruments, gauges, anything like that. Ideally, what we want is a laboratory.
(BARBARA has been exploring the wall as IAN has been speaking. Her hand passes over a type of sensor and the door opens inward with an electronic hum.)
BARBARA: Ian...look!
(IAN comes and looks inside.)
IAN: Why don't we separate and go different ways and meet back here in say...
(He looks at his wristwatch.)
IAN: ...ten minutes? All right?
SUSAN: Right.
BARBARA: Fine. I'll go this way.
(She goes alone through the door as SUSAN helps the DOCTOR up.)
DOCTOR: Lend me your arm, would you, Susan? Thank you.
(They walk off, as IAN waves his hand over another sensor set next to another of the doors. It too opens inwardly with a hum.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
19: INT. CITY. CORRIDOR
(BARBARA walks down a narrow corridor with strange angled archways that stretches into the distance as far as the eye can see. BARBARA has to stoop as she walks through it. She fails to notice the camera near the ceiling that turns as she passes and watches after her.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
20: EXT. CITY STREET
(The DOCTOR and SUSAN approach a door.)
SUSAN: Let's try this one
(SUSAN activates another sensor and she and a still fatigued DOCTOR pass through the door.)
SUSAN: There we are.
[SCENE_BREAK]
21: INT. CITY CORRIDOR
(BARBARA continues to wander through the maze-like corridors, not noticing that doors are starting to come down like gates behind her, sealing off her earlier path. A gurgling electronic noise fills the air. BARBARA finally comes to a dead end. She presses each of the walls then starts back but soon finds the path back sealed. She bangs on the closed door a couple of times, then runs back.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
22: EXT. CITY STREET
(IAN has just returned from his exploration. SUSAN and the DOCTOR return as well. The DOCTOR looks even more fatigued.)
IAN: Ah, there you are. Any luck?
SUSAN: No. How about you?
IAN: No, no luck.
(He looks at his watch.)
IAN: Barbara should be here by now. (Calls.) Barbara? Barbara?
(He checks his watch again.)
IAN: Well, we'll give her a couple of minutes more and then if she's not back, we'll have to go and look for her.
[SCENE_BREAK]
23: INT. CITY CORRIDOR
(BARBARA is now in a panic, exhausted, running from one end of the sealed corridor to the other. Another section closes in front of her. Barely able to stand, she bangs on the just closed door. Another door slides shut, enclosing her in one room. With a hum, the room starts moving downward - it is an elevator and it is taking her into the depths of the city...)
[SCENE_BREAK]
24: EXT. CITY STREET
(IAN checks his watch one more time.)
IAN: We've waited long enough for her. We must go and find her.
(He waves open the door BARBARA used.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
25: INT. CITY. ELEVATOR
(The elevator comes to a jarring stop. The door slowly opens, and BARBARA cautiously steps out.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
26: INT. CITY. CORRIDOR
(She starts a little way down a corridor - then backs against the wall with a gasp at the sight of something moving in from a side corridor - Something with a mechanical arm advances on her. Trapped against the wall she lets out a scream of pure terror....) | Plan: A: The TARDIS; Q: What has brought the travellers to the planet Skaro? A: two indigenous races; Q: Who do the Doctor and his companions meet on the planet Skaro? A: the Daleks; Q: Who are the Thals fighting with? A: armoured travel machines; Q: What are the Daleks encased in? A: the Thals; Q: Who do the Doctor and his companions convince to fight for their own survival? A: pacifist principles; Q: What do the Thals have? A: their own survival; Q: What do the Thals need to fight for? A: a two-pronged attack; Q: What type of attack did the Thals launch on the Daleks? A: the Dalek city; Q: What do the Thals attack? A: The Daleks; Q: Who are killed when their power supply is cut off? Summary: The TARDIS has brought the travellers to the planet Skaro where they meet two indigenous races - the Daleks, malicious mutant creatures encased in armoured travel machines, and the Thals, beautiful humanoids with pacifist principles. They convince the Thals of the need to fight for their own survival. Joining forces with them and braving Skaro's many dangers, they launch a two-pronged attack on the Dalek city. The Daleks are all killed when, during the course of the fighting, their power supply is cut off. |
THE SAVAGES
5:35pm - 6:00pm
[SCENE_BREAK]
SCENE 1 - TARDIS INTERIOR
(This scene appears at the conclusion of The Gunfighters episode 4. The Doctor, Steven and Dodo are standing next to the console, and staring up at the TARDIS scanner. The TARDIS appears to have landed in a rough, hilly landscape strewn with rocks and shrubs. The Doctor picks up a monitoring instrument and places the strap over his shoulder.)
DOCTOR: We've now reached the distant horizon of an age - an age of peace and prosperity. Now I'm going to be off.
(The Doctor opens the TARDIS doors. As he exits, he is unaware of the primitive man watching him nearby. The man is dressed in animal skins, and carrying a large club...)
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SCENE 2 - OUTSIDE THE CITY
(The Doctor follows a narrow path through layers of thick vegetation. At one point, he stops and takes a reading from his instrument. Chuckling to himself, the Doctor moves on.)
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SCENE 3 - TARDIS EXTERIOR
(Steven is pacing restlessly next to the TARDIS. Dodo stands nearby. Steven impatiently glances at his watch.)
STEVEN: He said five minutes.
DODO: The Doctor has no idea of time. For someone who's travelled about in time as much as he has, that's rather funny. (Dodo giggles..)
STEVEN: This is nothing to laugh at, Dodo.
DODO: Don't take it so seriously. If you're so worried about him, you shouldn't have let him go.
STEVEN: All right - you try telling the Doctor what to do.
DODO: Then you should have gone with him.
STEVEN: You heard what he said.
DODO: You don't have to do everything he tells you. You're a grown man. Or are you?
(Dodo glares at Steven, who returns her glare with equal venom. But realising the Doctor's propensity to find trouble, Steven walks a short distance away from the TARDIS to try and spot the Doctor.)
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SCENE 4 - OUTSIDE THE CITY
(The Doctor checks the reading on his instrument. Once again, he is satisfied with the result.)
DOCTOR: Hmmm, yes. It's just as I thought! Yes... yes, well I think my young friends are in for quite a surprise!
(As the Doctor walks off, he is still unaware of the primitive man watching him from the bushes. The man is joined by a second 'savage'.)
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SCENE 5 - TARDIS EXTERIOR
(Steven peers into the bushes, trying to find the Doctor.)
STEVEN: Doctor! Doctor!
(Steven moves further into the shrubs.)
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SCENE 6 - OUTSIDE THE CITY
(The Doctor hears Steven calling his name. He turns around in annoyance.)
DOCTOR: Oh dear me, what is that now?
(The Doctor turns in the direction of Steven's voice.)
DOCTOR: Well, I shan't be long anyway!
(The two primitives continue to crawl their way through the bushes, keeping a careful eye on the stranger.)
STEVEN: (Calling out.) Doctor!
(The Doctor turns around, startled, believing he has detected movement in the nearby shrubs.)
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SCENE 7 - TARDIS EXTERIOR
(Dodo is standing on a large boulder trying to find where Steven has gone. Steven's voice can be heard yelling from the scrubland.)
STEVEN: Doctor! Doctor! (Calling back to Dodo.) He doesn't answer yet, Dodo. I think I'd better go and look for him.
DODO: (Returning Steven's call.) All right.
STEVEN: I won't go far.
(Dodo gives a sudden gasp as she hears the sounds of trickling stones. She quickly turns around and looks up the side of the ravine. There is no one there. With a deep sigh she sits down on the boulder, and waits for Steven's return. As soon as Dodo turns around, a man begins to peer from over the ravine. He carefully makes his way down towards Dodo, trying to avoid any distracting noises. However, Dodo hears the sounds of his descent. She turns around and screams. The man quickly climbs back up the ravine and disappears.)
STEVEN: (From the bushes.) Dodo!
(Steven reappears from the bushes, and rejoins Dodo.)
STEVEN: What's happened?
DODO: (Pointing up the ravine.) Up there.
STEVEN: (Looking up.) There's nothing there.
DODO: I saw a man in animal skins, and with an axe.
STEVEN: (Uncertain.) You sure? Well, the Doctor said...
DODO: (Angrily.) I don't care what he said! I saw him! He was like a savage from the Stone Age.
STEVEN: Then the Doctor was wrong. We're not in the future at all. We must be back at the beginning of man.
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SCENE 8 - OUTSIDE THE CITY
(The Doctor takes yet another reading from his instrument. He chuckles.)
DOCTOR: That ridiculous young man! He thought I'd made a mistake!
(Smiling to himself, the Doctor turns around and walks back towards the TARDIS. The two savages realise that the Doctor is walking towards their hiding place in the bushes. The younger savage speaks first.)
TOR: He is coming. What's he carrying?
CHAL: It is not a light gun.
TOR: He is one of the leaders?
CHAL: He is not one of our people.
TOR: He is coming near. We must run.
CHAL: Stay. We kill this man.
(At that moment, the Doctor speaks having heard the sounds of movement through the undergrowth.)
DOCTOR: Hello there, I say. Come out from underneath there. Now don't be alarmed. Come along, now. Hmmm. Can you hear me? Hmm? Oh, I say, do come out from underneath there, will you? Hmm?
(Suddenly, the Doctor turns around as he hears another noise. Two soldiers, dressed in appropriate uniform, have appeared. They are both armed with futuristic weapons.)
DOCTOR: Oh good gracious me! You know, I thought for one moment you were hiding behind those bushes.
EDAL: We have come to welcome you.
EXORSE: It is a great honour to have you visit our planet.
DOCTOR: Oh yes, I see. Well, I am expected. Do you know who I am?
EDAL: Not your name, of course. But our space observers have their own name for you.
DOCTOR: Oh, and what might that be?
EXORSE: You are known to us as the Traveller from Beyond Time.
DOCTOR: I see, and how would you expect me here and now?
EXORSE: The Elders of our city have been plotting the course of your space-time ship for many light years. They estimated your arrival some time ago.
DOCTOR: I see. Well that's very clever of them.
(Captain Edal notices the instrument the Doctor is carrying. He peers at it suspiciously.)
EDAL: What is this? We understood from our Elders that you did not carry weapons.
DOCTOR: Oh yes, they're quite right, yes I never do. No, this is my R.V. you see - my Reacting Vibrator. I'm able to do my calculations from this. As I told my young friends...
EDAL: You are not alone?
DOCTOR: Good gracious, no. Did you expect me to be?
EDAL: We have no information about your companions.
DOCTOR: (Smiling.) Oh! They're very pleasant, yes they're both very pleasant. Apart from their juvenile exuberances, I'm sure you'll like them.
(The Doctor peers back into the bushes.)
DOCTOR: They must be at the back here somewhere. I think they're rather worried because I'm a bit late joining them...
EDAL: We had no instructions about them. The Elders must be informed. You must come with us.
(The Doctor does not approve of Edal's tone of voice.)
DOCTOR: Must?
EXORSE: Captain Edal wishes to take you to the Elders of our City. They are waiting to welcome you.
DOCTOR: Oh yes of course, yes, yes, yes, I shall come with you. In the meantime, young man, (Indicating Exorse.) I wonder if you'd mind trying to find my young people for me. Steven and Dodo. Tell them the Doctor sent you.
(Exorse turns to Captain Edal for his approval.)
EDAL: Go for them Exorse. Bring them to the city.
(Edal turns back to the Doctor, and indicates a path through the jungle.)
EDAL: This way.
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SCENE 9 - TARDIS EXTERIOR
(Steven and Dodo are becoming increasingly concerned at the Doctor's absence.)
STEVEN: I'll have to go and look for him, Dodo. Something must have happened to him.
DODO: I'll come with you. (Peering into the bushes.) Steven!
STEVEN: What is it?
DODO: There is something up there!
STEVEN: Look - you're imagining things. Come on.
(Just as Steven is about to move off, there is a 'thud' sound from behind them. Dodo screams. Both Steven and Dodo turn around sharply, but there is no one in sight.)
DODO: (Nervously.) I told you.
(Steven notices an object lying on the ground nearby. He picks it up, and examines it carefully.)
STEVEN: A spear... It's sharp as a knife. You were right Dodo, there is someone up there.
DODO: What are we to do now?
STEVEN: Back to the TARDIS. Quick.
(Suddenly, spears begin to thud all round Steven and Dodo. They wildly sprint back towards the TARDIS. The spears continue to fall around them.)
DODO: They're getting nearer!
(At that moment, a spear falls right behind the fleeing Steven and Dodo. As they brace themselves for an impacting spear, there is a yell from nearby. This immediately halts the spear-throwing. Steven and Dodo stare around the silent landscape. As they search around the ravine, Exorse suddenly appears from the scrub. Dodo gives a slight scream.)
EXORSE: Welcome to the Traveller's companions. You are Dodo and Steven?
STEVEN: How do you know? Who are you?
EXORSE: The Traveller told me I would find you here.
STEVEN: The Traveller? You mean the Doctor? Is he all right?
EXORSE: Perfectly. He has gone to meet the elders of our city.
DODO: But the savages!
EXORSE: I think you will find that some of us are fairly civilised.
DODO: Then this isn't the Iron Age?
EXORSE: By no means.
STEVEN: The Doctor was right.
EXORSE: Please come with me to the City. Our Elders wait to honour your Doctor. They will be very happy also to welcome his friends.
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SCENE 10 - THE CITY COUNCIL CHAMBER
(The Doctor, led by Captain Edal, is brought into the City's Council Chamber. He is brought before a raised platform. Sitting on the platform are the four elders of the City. The leader of the elders, Jano, looks inquiringly at the Doctor. Surrounding the platform, are numerous other attendants and citizens. Amongst them is a young, intelligent-looking couple, Avon and Flower.)
JANO: (To the Doctor.) You are welcome. Welcome indeed. Though we know you only as a record in our charts of space and time, yet you seem to us like an old friend.
DOCTOR: Well that's very kind of you to make me feel so welcome.
JANO: We are honoured by your visit. The whole city looks upon you with admiration. Let me introduce myself. I am Jano, leader of the council of elders. These are my councillors.
(Jano indicates a chart on the nearby wall.)
JANO: We have all known about you for a long time. Look. We have charted your voyages from galaxy to galaxy and from age to age. But we never thought that we would meet you face-to-face. This is a great moment in our history.
(The Doctor is chuffed.)
JANO: To mark our admiration, we would be pleased if you would accept the office of one of our high elders.
DOCTOR: Well, my dear sir, that's very good of you. Yes, very good of you indeed. Yes, I don't remember being so highly honoured before like this anywhere I've been.
(Flower approaches the Doctor carrying a large ornate robe. An attendant also moves forward. Flower and the attendant assist the Doctor into the robes.)
JANO: We recognise in you the greatest specialist in time-space exploration. You have taken this branch of learning far beyond our elementary calculations.
DOCTOR: Oh come come, my dear sir. I know that you've been very responsible for vast scientific research. And at the same time, I always knew a race existed of great intelligence in this segment of the universe.
JANO: Thank you, Doctor. We'd like to think that we have created here something of lasting value.
DOCTOR: You have. You have indeed, you have. And if I may so say, thank you dearly for making me appear so grand.
(The Doctor looks approvingly at his new outfit. At that moment, Exorse enters the room with Steven and Dodo.)
EXORSE: The Doctor's two friends, sir - Steven and Dodo.
JANO: You are very welcome.
DOCTOR: Ah, there you are, both of you. Well, I don't think I was so far wrong, my boy.
(The Doctor indicates his robes.)
DOCTOR: What do I look like, my dear?
DODO: You're really with it now, Doctor.
DOCTOR: With what, my dear?
STEVEN: What is this place?
JANO: Did the Doctor not tell you?
DODO: Not exactly.
STEVEN: He said it was an age of peace and prosperity.
DOCTOR: Yes, and I was right. They are very highly developed civilised minds.
JANO: But our calculations were incomplete. We did not realise that the Doctor would have anyone with him. Nevertheless, although our honours are for him, our gifts are for you.
(One of the attendants presents Dodo with a small pocket mirror. The mirror is an intricately carved item, surrounded by a number of jewels. Steven is presented with an elegant dagger.)
DODO: Oh, thank you. It's beautiful.
STEVEN: (Indicating the dagger.) Look at that Doctor.
(Dodo examines the mirror excitedly.)
DODO: These are real diamonds!
JANO: Perhaps Steven and Dodo would like to make themselves at home.
DOCTOR: Oh yes, thank you.
JANO: Our young people will show them round.
DOCTOR: An excellent idea, sir. Well, my boy, now perhaps you'll believe me next time I tell you I know precisely where I am!
(The Doctor chuckles as Flower and Avon lead Steven and Dodo from the room)
JANO: (Indicating a chair.) Now Doctor... we have many questions to ask you.
(The Doctor sits down.)
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SCENE 11 - OUTSIDE THE CITY
(Captain Edal and Exorse move through the scrubland, scanning the surrounding environment. Captain Edal is particularly agitated.)
EDAL: We're only the city guard, of course. They don't ask our opinion, do they?
EXORSE: What's the matter, Captain?
EDAL: I don't trust them. I never did trust strangers. Why should we treat this old Doctor as one of ourselves?
EXORSE: The Elders think highly of him.
EDAL: (Scornfully.) The Elders! All right, we've wasted enough time this morning. Get back on patrol. Take the Crater Section.
(The two soldiers walk off in different directions. They are watched by Chal and Tor, the same two savages who were watching the Doctor. This time there is a third savage present - a young girl, Nanina.)
CHAL: (Looking disgustingly at the soldiers.) They have begun hunting.
TOR: We must warn our people.
CHAL: Nanina, go back to the caves. Tell the families to hide.
NANINA: But what of you, Chal?
CHAL: We will be safe, we will warn the others. Nanina... take care in the craters.
(Nanina moves off through the undergrowth. Chal and Tor worriedly watch her go.)
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SCENE 12 - THE CITY STREETS
(Avon and Flower are showing Steven and Dodo the many wondrous sights of the city.)
FLOWER: We have built into the city a life-giving sun of our own. Isn't that right Avon?
AVON: It is man's intellect which decides the heat and cold of our city.
FLOWER: Yes. After all, the elders do know what's best for us... although it would be rather nice to know what real things are like sometimes.
AVON: Real what?
FLOWER: You know. Real wind, real rain, real sunshine.
AVON: Don't be ridiculous. They have given us all this.
(Avon waves his hand expansively around the vast city.)
DODO: It's beautiful.
AVON: Our artists have every opportunity to develop their talents. Here, everyone has a chance to do what is best for him to do.
STEVEN: It's certainly a wonderful job. But how do you manage it? What's the secret?
FLOWER: Secret? What makes you think we have a secret?
STEVEN: Other civilisations have failed to make this advance.
FLOWER: Well, that doesn't mean...
AVON: Be quiet Flower. Our scientists have made one simple discovery. And due to this, they have found the way to give us all greater energy, greater intellect and greater talent.
STEVEN: One simple discovery?
DODO: What was it?
AVON: (Hesitant.) This is something best discussed by the Elders and your Doctor.
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SCENE 13 - THE CITY COUNCIL CHAMBER
(The Doctor is sitting with Jano and the elders.)
DOCTOR: Well, gentlemen, I can't just sit here in all these grand clothes without asking a few questions. After all, there's my reputation to think about.
JANO: What do you mean Doctor?
DOCTOR: Well, if I accept your gifts, I must endorse your life. But I can't do that without knowing something about you.
JANO: But surely, you know a great deal about us.
DOCTOR: Yes, I know very well that you are far advanced than most planets. But, how you achieve this, I know not. And let's face it gentlemen, you are much advanced. Now, I would like to know how.
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SCENE 14 - OUTSIDE THE CITY
(Nanina is cautiously moving through the ravine, when she hears the sounds of approaching footsteps. She turns around, and notices Exorse patrolling a short distance away. She immediately dives to the ground, and takes cover behind a bush. Nervously, she watches as Exorse moves away. Nanina shivers in horror. Chal and Tor are watching from above the ravine.)
TOR: I cannot see her. She must have got away.
CHAL: She has not crossed the ravine yet. She is still hiding.
TOR: Can you see the hunter?
CHAL: He is going into the ravine!
(Exorse has detected a presence near to him. He stands and listens. Nearby, Nanina is crawling through the bushes, but she is unaware that she is moving closer to Exorse...)
CHAL: He is over there. And Nanina?
TOR: She is there too!
CHAL: (Shouting.) Nanina!
(Nanina tries to flee from Exorse.)
TOR: (Shouting.) Nanina! Not that way!
(Exorse has spotted Nanina. He points his gun towards Nanina, and fires. Nanina gives a small shriek. A shaft of light emerges from the weapon and completely surrounds Nanina. Nanina immediately becomes motionless. Keeping Nanina in the shaft of light, Exorse directs her towards the city. Nanina has no choice but to obey Exorse's orders.)
TOR: He has taken her.
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SCENE 15 - THE CITY COUNCIL CHAMBER
(The Doctor continues to discuss with Jano the 'secret' behind the civilisation's success.)
JANO: Life preys on other forms of life, as you know Doctor. Wild beasts live on other animals. Mankind must have food, water, and oxygen.
DOCTOR: Yes, it's quite obvious to the meanest intellect that, well, how can I say, that you have found a much more... much more effective source of energy.
JANO: That is true Doctor. We have learned how to transfer the energy of life directly to ourselves. We can tap it at its source. It is as though we were able to recharge ourselves with life's vital force.
[SCENE_BREAK]
SCENE 16 - OUTSIDE THE CITY
(Exorse continues to lead Nanina through the scrubland by directing the shaft of light over her. Nanina remains helplessly caught in the beam's power. Chal and Tor are watching nearby.)
CHAL: Nanina!
(Chal rushes forward in front of Exorse.)
CHAL: Leave her. Leave the girl. Take me in her place.
(Exorse shows no interest.)
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SCENE 17 - THE CITY COUNCIL CHAMBER
(Jano is explaining to the Doctor the reason behind their success. He points to a small model in front of him.)
JANO: The energy of life which we accumulate we store in vats such as these. Then, when the Elders decide that some member of the community needs new force, we can transfer that energy directly.
DOCTOR: To a member of your community?
JANO: Exactly. We can give ourselves new power.
DOCTOR: Yes, of course, you'll need a very high form of life to make this source effective.
JANO: That is true Doctor. We absorb only a very special form of animal vitality.
[SCENE_BREAK]
SCENE 18 - OUTSIDE THE CITY
(Exorse continues to direct Nanina with his light gun. The pair approach the city...)
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SCENE 19 - THE CITY STREETS
(The tour of the city continues. Flower and Avon direct Steven and Dodo through a street covered with numerous sculptures. Dodo is starting to lag behind. She notices a window at the end of a small passageway. But as she moves towards the window, Avon spots her.)
FLOWER: Don't think we're always serious. We play games. We dance. We go hunting. Our life is very happy. We do everything we want - go everywhere we want.
AVON: (To Dodo.) Do not go that way!
DODO: I thought you said we could go anywhere.
AVON: It leads to the world beyond the city.
DODO: (Surprised.) Don't you ever go outside?
FLOWER: We're not allowed to.
AVON: There is no need.
FLOWER: Yes, that's right. Everything we want, we have here in the city.
STEVEN: What about the men we met outside?
FLOWER: They are the guards.
DODO: What, to keep back the savages?
AVON: The savages?
DODO: The men in animal skins.
AVON: You saw them?
DODO: They threw spears at us!
AVON: Yes, well, the guards are to keep these people away. That is why we seldom go beyond the city.
FLOWER: (Showing dislike.) Let's forget such a dismal topic. Come on, I'll show you the stadium. There's going to be a celebration there tonight. Especially for you.
(Flower smiles as she moves off through the streets. Steven and Avon walk closely behind. But Dodo is still intrigued by the window at the end of the passageway. She walks down the passageway and stares through the window. She watches Exorse walking past, holding Nanina in the power of the light gun.)
AVON: Dodo!
DODO: I'm coming.
(Dodo reluctantly hurries back and joins the group. She approaches Steven and whispers to him, so Avon and Flower cannot hear.)
DODO: Every time I want to see something, they stop me.
STEVEN: Dodo, you're a guest here. Try to behave like one.
DODO: I hate conducted tours.
STEVEN: What were you goggling at anyway?
DODO: (Lowering her voice.) I saw one of the guards go past. He had a prisoner.
STEVEN: You must be off your head! You wouldn't have a prisoner in a place like this.
DODO: He had one of the savages with him. A girl. She seemed to be moving along in a light that shone from those guns they carry.
STEVEN: (Disbelievingly.) Oh Dodo, really!
DODO: Oh no, it's true! It was like a torch, as he moved, she went ahead.
FLOWER: (Calling back.) Come along, we're just wondering which way to take you now.
DODO: Why are they so cautious about what they show us?
STEVEN: You imagine things...
(Flower notices Steven and Dodo whispering like a pair of conspirators.)
FLOWER: (Suspiciously.) What are you whispering about?
STEVEN: We're just coming.
DODO: (Quietly, to Steven.) We're not going to find out much about this place from these two, are we?
STEVEN: (Wearily.) Come on!
[SCENE_BREAK]
SCENE 20 - OUTSIDE THE CITY
(Exorse, with Nanina under his control, approaches a side-door to the City. As Exorse moves towards the door to open it, the shaft of light moves away from Nanina. Nanina, momentarily released from the paralysing power of the weapon, collapses wearily against the city wall.)
NANINA: Please, let me go.
(Exorse completely ignores her. He twists a dial next to the door, causing a bell to ring inside.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
SCENE 21 - SENTA'S LABORATORY
(Inside a room filled with masses of complex machinery, two uniformed figures wheel in an operating table. Lying on the table is Wylda, a savage in a semi-conscious state. Senta, the chief scientist, supervises the operation. At one end of the room is a door leading to Senta's laboratory. At that moment, a bell rings from outside.)
SENTA: That must be Exorse. He is already behind his deadline. What's happening to security this morning?
(The two assistants assist Wylda to his feet. Wylda continues to moan in agony.)
SENTA: (Peering anxiously at Wylda.) He seems very depleted. What's his vitality reading?
(Senta examines a small dial attached to the operating table.)
SENTA: Seventeen point four. They took that very low. Can't they follow instructions in there, (Pointing towards laboratory.) or have I got to supervise every transfer of energy myself?
(Senta bustles around the room, glancing at various monitoring devices.)
SENTA: Now, let's see. His recuperative chart is high. He'll recover.
(The 'doorbell' rings a second time.)
SENTA: Those confounded guards - they're all the same. They keep you waiting, throw the whole routine out of gear, and then they expect you to be ready for them the moment they arrive. (To assistant, indicating Wylda.) All right, take him away. Release him. Help him along corridor K-O-4, emergency exit. Go ahead.
(Senta presses a button, causing a door to open. Wylda, with the help of one of the assistants, shuffles through the door. Senta then operates another control, causing a second door to glide open. Exorse enters with Nanina under his control.)
SENTA: Prepare this one - A47, (Pointing to Nanina.) We're behind schedule. We must transfer immediately. I am filing a complaint, Exorse. You're late. Surely she didn't give you much trouble?
EXORSE: Of course not. I was delayed by the strangers.
SENTA: (Immediately intrigued.) You've seen them?
EXORSE: Captain Edal and I were the first to find them. We brought them back. That was why I was late.
SENTA: You've actually seen them? What are they like?
EXORSE: Very like us, in some ways.
SENTA: But in some ways, they're different?
EXORSE: Yes... but I can't quite say what it is. I must be going.
(Senta presses the control lever again, re-opening the door. Exorse leaves.)
SENTA: (To one of the attendants.) Is A47 ready yet?
(Senta examines the table, as the attendant nods.)
SENTA: Yes, that seems all right. Tell them, (Indicating the laboratory.) to be quite sure not to take A47 below vitality reading 24.
(The assistants prepare for the transfer, while Senta examines the dazed figure of Nanina.)
SENTA: Is she all right? Let's see...
[SCENE_BREAK]
SCENE 22 - THE CITY
(Dodo continues to lag behind in the tour of the city. Steven, meanwhile is very impressed by what Flower and Avon are showing him.)
STEVEN: This city really is fantastic. Fountains. Music. Everything.
AVON: Yes, we're very proud of it.
STEVEN: Why is it only within the confines of the city itself that you have such ideal conditions? What about beyond?
FLOWER: Well...
AVON: (Sharply.) We told you before! We have everything here that we need.
[SCENE_BREAK]
SCENE 23 - CITY LABORATORY
(Senta is performing the final checks on Nanina. He turns to the attendants, satisfied of Nanina's condition.)
NANINA: Please, please...
SENTA: All right. Take her away.
NANINA: Oh no! No! No... please!
(The two assistants wheel the table into the laboratory, completely oblivious of Nanina's protests.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
SCENE 24 - THE CITY
(As the tour continues, Dodo notices Exorse leaving a nearby room. With her curiosity aroused, Dodo decides to investigate further.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
SCENE 25 - THE CITY COUNCIL CHAMBER
JANO: Doctor, do you realise that with our knowledge, we can make the brave man braver, the wise man wiser, the strong man stronger. We can make the beautiful girl more beautiful still. You will see the advantages of that in the perfection of our race.
[SCENE_BREAK]
SCENE 26 - THE CITY STREETS
(Steven stares in awe as Avon and Flower describe a various aspect of their city. Flower turns around to call for Dodo.)
FLOWER: Come and see this, Dodo.
STEVEN: Yes, come on, Dodo, I'm sure you'll find...
(Steven stops talking when he realises Dodo has disappeared.)
STEVEN: Oh no! Now where's she gone? What's happened?
FLOWER: (Calling out.) Dodo?
STEVEN: Dodo! Dodo, where are you?
[SCENE_BREAK]
SCENE 27 - THE PASSAGEWAY
(Dodo makes her way down a dark corridor, covered with metallic panels. Ahead of her, the corridor divides into two. Dodo moves towards the junction in the passageway. There is the faint sound of someone moving towards her. As she moves closer to the junction, there are the sounds of heavy breathing. The breathing becomes louder... Dodo hesitates, but decides to look around the corner of the junction. Directly in front of her is a dazed savage. It is Wylda. His eyes are wide open in shock. Holding out his arms threateningly, he approaches Dodo. Dodo screams...) | Plan: A: a far-distant and seemingly idyllic world; Q: Where has the TARDIS arrived? A: the Doctor; Q: Who is helpless to prevent the Elders from exploitation? A: Steven; Q: Who agrees to remain behind on the planet to become leader of the newly united Elders and Savages? A: a terrible secret; Q: What does the world the TARDIS has arrived on hide? A: the apparently civilised Elders; Q: Who is draining the life-force of the Savages? A: their advanced society; Q: What do the Elders maintain by draining and transferring the life-force of the defenceless Savages? A: his own people; Q: Who does Jano turn against? A: the Savages; Q: Who does Jano enlist to destroy the Elders' transference laboratory? Summary: Missing episode The TARDIS has arrived on a far-distant and seemingly idyllic world. Yet the Doctor, Steven and Dodo learn it hides a terrible secret: the apparently civilised Elders maintain their advanced society by draining and transferring to themselves the life-force of the defenceless Savages. Outraged at this exploitation, the Doctor is seemingly helpless to prevent it when some of his own life-force is tapped by the Elders' leader, Jano. In the process, however, Jano also acquires some of the Doctor's attitudes and conscience. Turning against his own people, he enlists the Savages to destroy the Elders' transference laboratory - a task with which the time travellers gladly assist. Steven agrees to remain behind on the planet to become leader of the newly united Elders and Savages. |
[PLAYGROUND COURT. A boat passes by]
MOUTH: Be Nice, be nice, put it in there. There you go.
[Cut to LUCAS]
SKILLS: Luke, Luke, what up dawg? Check this out. You shoot this one. See what you got.
[LUCAS shoots and the ball goes in]
SKILLS: Ahh!
MOUTH: Come on, lets move!
SKILLS: Time to go, baby.
JIMMY: Six-thirty, Luke!
LUCAS: Oh, come on guys, you don't gotta come. It's just a game.
SKILLS: Right. Whitey asked you to play on the team.
JUNK: And Nathan threatens you.
MOUTH: You beat him right here one on one, you join the team.
SKILLS: And now it's the first game and we aint gotta come? Um-um. We goin'. This game is for all of us.
[SKILLS tosses LUCAS the ball. LUCAS catches it and looks at his friends]
JIMMY: Go Luke!
[A truck goes by KAREN'S CAFÉ. Everyone in it is chanting 'Ravens.' KAREN'S behind the counter and KEITH walks over]
KEITH: Karen! You ready to go?
KAREN: Oh. I'm not going. I decided to stay open. I could use the business.
KEITH: You talk to Luke about this?
KAREN: No. But he'll understand.
KEITH: Karen-
HALEY: [Interrupting, at the door] She doesn't want to go. She doesn't want to see her high school sweetheart slash your brother Dan slash the jerk who abandoned Lucas slash the father of Nathan, the team's star player slash my wrists if I hear this story again. Lets go.
[KEITH looks at Karen as he steps backward toward HALEY]
KEITH: I think you're making a mistake.
[KEITH and HALEY leave, leaving KAREN to look after them, upset]
[THE SCOTT HOUSE. DAN and NATHAN are walking as DAN talks]
DAN: Whitey can put this kid on the team, he can put him in the game, but he can't put him in your game. So shut him out. And shut down the opposition. You've got Broner tonight. They're good so be ready.
NATHAN: Alright.
[LOCKER ROOM. NATHAN walks in, smashing fists with a friend. He reaches his locker and glares at LUCAS. WHITEY walks in]
WHITEY: Scott!
[NATHAN looks up. WHITEY holds up a hand in a 'stop' gesture to NATHAN, the crooks his finger toward LUCAS. LUCAS follows WHITEY into his office]
TIM: I can't believe the @#%$ spawn's on our team.
NATHAN: For now...
[WHITEY'S OFFICE]
WHITEY: You nervous?
LUCAS: A little bit.
WHITEY: Good. You ought to be.
[WHITEY hands LUCAS a white and blue jersey]
WHITEY: Just do what you've been doing all week in practice. You'll be fine.
[HALLWAY OUTSIDE WHITEY'S OFFICE. As LUCAS exits, JIMMY and MOUTH walk toward him. JIMMY'S wearing a ravenshoops.com shirt]
MOUTH: Luke! You mind if we get a few words before your first game?
JIMMY: Yeah. We're going to put it on the internet. Ravenshoops.com.
MOUTH: Yeah. We're going to have a web cast and everything.
[WHITEY walks out]
WHITEY: What the hell is this?
MOUTH: Well, we have this website.
JIMMY: Yeah, we're sports announcers.
WHITEY: Not in here, you're not. The locker room's closed. No... media.
MOUTH: Dude, did you hear that? We're media.
JIMMY: Not just media. Banned media.
[MOUTH and JIMMY laugh happily and walk away. LUCAS looks after them, mildly entertained]
[LOCKER ROOM. The team's lined up, about to exit. They're chanting]
TEAM: They don't wanna what! Or we're gonna what! Or what! Or what!
WHITEY: Alright. Lets take the court.
TEAM: Ravens! Ravens! Ravens! Ravens! Ravens!
[LUCAS is toward the end of the line. He's not chanting. Neither is, NATHAN, who's behind him]
NATHAN: Want my world? You've got it.
[LUCAS and NATHAN walk out, almost side by side, and from a back view, the 'Scott' on each of their jerseys is emphasized]
[THE GYM. The players are warming up. DAN walks onto the bleachers behind KEITH and HALEY. He pats KEITH on the shoulder]
DAN: Keith! Hey. Finally came to see your nephew play, huh, big brother?
KEITH: Yeah. I guess you can say that.
[KEITH and HALEY share a look]
[ON THE COURT. NATHAN shoots a basket and gets it in. The camera cuts to the audience, where MOUTH and JIMMY are sitting]
MOUTH: Tonight, Lucas Scott plays his first game for the Tree Hill Ravens.
JIMMY: That's right, Mouth. Now, the Ravens are 5 and O. But this is their first game following the suspension of six varsity players.
[LUCAS shoots a basket. DAN is in the bleachers behind him]
DAN: Son!
[LUCAS turns around. DAN and LUCAS stare at each other uncomfortably until NATHAN runs over and throws a basketball at LUCAS]
NATHAN: Wake up.
[A whistle blows]
WHITEY: All right, come on in. Hustle, hustle!
[PEYTON and another cheerleader are standing on the edge of the gym]
CHEERLEADER: So that's the boy that beat Nathan?
[PEYTON nods]
CHEERLEADER: Well, he's good from behind.
[THE HUDDLE]
TIM: Ravens on three. One! Two! Three!
TEAM: Ravens
WHITEY: Luke, relax. Destiny has a way of finding you.
[ON THE COURT. A black circle with overlapping blue letters T and H outlined in white. NATHAN and another guy battle for control of the ball during the toss off. The ball goes flying. Cut to the audience]
DAN: Come on, Nathan.
KEITH: Lets go.
HALEY: Come on.
[LUCAS goes to catch the ball and narrowly misses hitting PEYTON with it]
PEYTON: Nice hands.
LUCAS: Nice legs.
[LUCAS runs back to the game, leaving PEYTON surprised. As LUCAS runs by him, DAN watches]
KEITH: Lets see some game!
[An opponent has the ball and LUCAS is unable to stop the opposing team from scoring a basket. WHITEY and DAN shake their heads]
NATHAN: Hey, which side you on?
[PEYTON and the other CHEERLEADER to continue to cheer]
PEYTON: Go Ravens!
[LUCAS is thrown the ball. He goes to shoot and misses. KEITH and HALEY wince. He tries again and misses again. DAN grins. After the third time, NATHAN grabs the ball and shoots it in]
DAN: [Clapping] Go Nathan.
[A whistle blows]
WHITEY: Out! [Pause] Good.
[LUCAS walks over]
WHITEY: It's not your night, son.
[LUCAS sits down on the bench and NATHAN runs by]
NATHAN: Start taking notes, punk.
[THEME SONG]
[A CAR. PEYTON and NATHAN are making out. NATHAN starts laughing]
NATHAN: What? I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Hey, I'm sorry.
[They start kissing again, but NATHAN laughs again. PEYTON moves away]
PEYTON: Unbelievable.
NATHAN: What? Peyton, did you see how bad he sucked?
PEYTON: So?
NATHAN: He was horrible. I've never seen a guy play so bad.
PEYTON: And you enjoyed that?
NATHAN: Well, hell yeah. Didn't you?
[PEYTON looks away]
NATHAN: What is this, Peyton? Do you like this guy or something?
[PEYTON laughs, moving toward NATHAN]
PEYTON: You mean more than my boyfriend who I'm trying to make out with with right now?
NATHAN: Well go put some ice on it. You ever think I might want to talk?
[PEYTON moves back]
PEYTON: No, you don't. You want to celebrate a public humiliation and I'm sorry, that's a little played out.
NATHAN: Oh and being with you isn't?
[PEYTON glares at him and gets out of the car]
NATHAN: Oh, Peyton, come on, I was joking.
[PEYTON walks away and NATHAN rolls down the window]
NATHAN: Are you getting in the car? [Pause] Please?
[She still doesn't budge]
NATHAN: Fine.
[NATHAN throws her pompoms out the window]
NATHAN: Take your lame music too.
[He throws her CDs out as well.]
NATHAN: And have a nice walk home.
[NATHAN drives away]
PEYTON: [Screaming after him] Damnit, Nathan! That CD was hard to find. It's an import.
[KAREN'S CAFÉ. Someone knocks]
KAREN: It's open.
[KEITH walks in]
KEITH: Hey.
KAREN: Is he okay?
KEITH: I don't know. I didn't see him afterward. [Pause] You should've been there.
KAREN: Well, you shouldn't have gone to Whitey.
KEITH: I thought you supported this.
KAREN: I support Lucas. I didn't have much of a choice after you went and got him on the team, did I?
KEITH: What's going on?
KAREN: I should've been there. I thought I was over it, Keith, I really did. Maybe I've just been hiding. Just, I can't go back there. The place knows too much.
[KAREN looks up]
[PLAYGROUND COURT. LUCAS is trying to shoot some hoops, but failing to do so.]
PEYTON: I guess misery really does love company.
[LUCAS turns around to see PEYTON]
LUCAS: What are you doing here?
PEYTON: Actually, I'm not here. I was never here.
[PEYTON starts to walk away]
LUCAS: You know, I shoot the ball and it goes in. I don't ask questions, I don't think about it. It's just the way it is.
PEYTON: Or the way it was.
LUCAS: Yeah.
PEYTON: Lucas, it's just a game. Who cares if the entire school, most of your friends and half the town saw you suck.
LUCAS: So... you've clearly come to cheer me up.
[PEYTON smiles]
LUCAS: Want a ride?
[THE SCOTT'S HOUSE. DAN'S watching a tape of the game when NATHAN walks in]
DAN: Nathan!
[NATHAN comes over to DAN]
DAN: Look at this. What did you do there?
NATHAN: I was double teamed, so I found the open man.
DAN: Wrong. You gave up a scoring opportunity in the post.
NATHAN: What? Dad, I was double teamed. I scored 28 points.
DAN: 30 points would've looked better to the scouts, don't you think? [Pause] Go to sleep. You look winded in the fourth quarter. We'll go for a run together in the morning.
[NATHAN starts to walk away]
NATHAN: You wonder why Mom extends those business trips.
[OUTSIDE OF PEYTON'S HOUSE. The truck pulls to a stop]
PEYTON: Look, you mind if I ask you a question?
LUCAS: Shoot.
PEYTON: Why'd you decide to do it? Join the team? 'Cause you don't exactly fit in here, do you?
LUCAS: The game, I guess. I love the game.
PEYTON: Right. The same reason I cheer. It's all a big game. Why not just stay on the playground? Why join the varsity?
LUCAS: Because I want to know if I'm good.
PEYTON: Well, if you ask my opinion, we all just wasted a perfectly good evening. You, me, and everybody else in there.
LUCAS: Then why do you do it? I mean, do you really like it or not?
PEYTON: If I say that I liked it, then I'm just another cheerleader. But if I say that I hate it, then I'm either a liar or a fraud. Either way I lose.
[PEYTON goes to get out]
PEYTON: Do you want to come in?
LUCAS: What about Nathan?
PEYTON: What about him?
[PEYTON gets out and LUCAS thinks about it, then gets out and follows her to the door]
PEYTON: What are you doing?
LUCAS: Um, you just said-
PEYTON: I didn't invite you to come in. I asked if you wanted to. [Pause] Thanks for the ride.
[PEYTON walks inside and shuts the door in LUCAS' face]
[LUCAS' HOUSE. KAREN is sitting up waiting for him. He walks in]
KAREN: Hi honey.
LUCAS: I looked for you.
KAREN: Yeah, we were, uh, busy at the café. Which is a good thing, right?
LUCAS: Sure.
[LUCAS starts to walk away]
KAREN: Luke!
[LUCAS turns around]
KAREN: I'm sorry I missed it.
LUCAS: Yeah, me too.
[LUCAS goes into his room and KAREN watches him, upset]
[A COMPUTER. PEYTON'S web cam is up. Then the real PEYTON is shown. The phone rings and she picks it up and hangs it up. NATHAN frowns. PEYTON'S making a drawing. It's of a car pulling away from a girl. The phone rings again. She picks it up again]
NATHAN: I'm sorry.
PEYTON: Peyton's not here right now. Just her lame music.
NATHAN: Look, I'm really sorry. It's just... this guy's on the team now, and my dad's been hammering me about it. [Pause] But I shouldn't take it out on you. I know that.
[PEYTON covers her web cam]
PEYTON: Nathan, I'm tired of this.
NATHAN: I know. I just... look, I haven't been very good to you lately and I just wanted to say... that I'm sorry, okay? [Pause] Just say it's okay so that when I see you tomorrow we can start being us again. Okay, Peyton?
PEYTON: Okay.
[PEYTON'S drawing. The words "It's not ok" are written across the top]
[PLAYGROUND COURT. LUCAS is attempting to shoot hoops again. Due to the changing hues of the sky, we know he's there for a while]
[TREE HILL HIGH. All the teens are in a class]
TEACHER: Early in his career, Hemingway was frustrated. He was a good writer who wanted to be great. And eventually, he discovered that less is more. [Pause] Peyton. Describe Lucas using just one word.
[Everyone looks at PEYTON]
PEYTON: Choke.
[Everyone laughs]
TEACHER: Okay, be quiet please. Thank you. Lucas, care to respond and describe Peyton?
[LUCAS looks at PEYTON]
LUCAS: Lonely.
[The class "Oohs"]
TEACHER: Okay, be quiet please.
[NATHAN raises his hand]
TEACHER: Yes? Nathan?
NATHAN: I can describe Lucas in one word.
[LUCAS looks at him]
NATHAN: @#%$.
[Class "Oohs" again]
TEACHER: Alright, alright, alright, alright.
[PEYTON looks shocked. LUCAS jumps out of his chair and attacks NATHAN. The two proceed to fight]
TEACHER: Knock it off. [Pause] Knock it off!
[WHITEY'S OFFICE]
WHITEY: I'd stand up and every time I do, somebody kicks me in the @#%$ for putting you on the team. Sit down!
[LUCAS does]
WHITEY: Boy, I must be getting senile. Because I thought just maybe you were different. I stuck my neck out for you. Damnit! I trusted you.
LUCAS: I shouldn't have hit him. You're right.
WHITEY: Damn right, I'm right.
LUCAS: [Pause] I don't think I can do this.
WHITEY: Right. One bad game and you just run away.
LUCAS: [Leaning forward] I didn't run away. [Sincere] That's why I'm in your office.
[LOCKER ROOM]
TIM: So what happened after you tackled him?
NATHAN: Kelly broke it up. Any longer I might've destroyed him.
GUY: Or he might've beaten your @#%$.
NATHAN: What do you know about it, Jygalski?
JYGALSKI: What do any of us know about anything? But if I had do take a guess, I'd say that he tackled you first. And I'm pretty sure that you were at the bottom of it when Mr. Kelly broke it up.
NATHAN: Well, you're wrong. Why don't you grab a rebound every now and then, huh?
[WHITEY enters the locker room]
WHITEY: What, are you putting on makeup? Get out in the gym and start warming up.
[NATHAN and TIM start to leave]
WHITEY: Jygalski, when you find the pumps to match your skirt, you might meet us in the gym.
[WHITEY and JYGALSKI both smile. They have a different relationship than WHITEY has with the rest of the players, you can tell. LUCAS opens his locker]
NATHAN: Hey. This is just the start of it for you.
WHITEY: Nathan!
[NATHAN leaves and LUCAS gets ready]
[ROOFTOP MINI-GOLF COURSE. HALEY'S playing when LUCAS comes up]
HALEY: Any side effects?
LUCAS: From what?
HALEY: Your amnesia.
LUCAS: What are you talking about?
HALEY: I'm talking about how you must've gotten amnesia because I know that you would've mentioned that you got into a fight today. [Pause] Are you okay, Luke?
LUCAS: Yeah. [Pause] You ever wake up from a really good dream and try to get back to sleep? Or you got the flu and you promise yourself that you'd appreciate normal so much more if you could just get back to it.
HALEY: Yeah.
LUCAS: That's the way I feel. I just want things to go back to the way they were.
HALEY: With basketball?
LUCAS: With everything.
[PEYTON'S ROOM. PEYTON and the CHEERLEADER are hanging out]
CHEERLEADER: You know, it's really too bad Lucas is poor and he can't play because he is fine. [Pause] Hey, I think it's really good that you're fighting with Nathan again.
PEYTON: You do?
CHEERLEADER: Yeah. Every time you guys fight I get to hear new music.
[PEYTON kicks her playfully and the CHEERLEADER laughs]
CHEERLEADER: Hey, did you buy the new Beyonce?
PEYTON: No.
CHEERLEADER: You know, Peyton, I know you're all Gwen Stefani, plaid skirt, I'm a badass, but we love you anyway, and you know why? Because Friday night, when it is game time, there you are. One of us.
PEYTON: P.S. Gwen Stefani is not a badass. [Pause] You ever look past it, Brooke?
BROOKE: Past what?
PEYTON: All of it. High school, basketball, and just... the whole popularity drama.
BROOKE: Yeah. I mean, I think about the future sometimes and it scares me. But then I think I'll go to college... I'll join the right sorority... I'll marry a rich guy. [Pause] Unless I get fat.
[PEYTON nods, seemingly shocked by the shallowness]
[SCENE_BREAK]
[THE BODY SHOP]
KEITH: Look, it's only one game, Luke. Even Jordan played lousy in his first pro game.
LUCAS: Michael Jordan scored 16 points in his first pro game.
KEITH: Yeah. I know that. I just didn't think you did. All I'm saying is, you know, you've got to shake it off.
LUCAS: What if I can't do it, Keith? I mean, maybe I can't play at this level.
KEITH: You can.
LUCAS: Well maybe not. And plus, it's all of them. I don't fit into their world. I never will. It's stupid.
KEITH: Even Jordan got cut from his high school varsity team. And he did okay. What's your mom say about it?
LUCAS: I haven't talked to her yet.
KEITH: Well, you should.
LUCAS: Why?
KEITH: Because she deserves it. I mean, she's going through this thing, too. You're not the only one.
[KEITH looks inside PEYTON'S car and whistles]
KEITH: It's a rule of life. The prettier the girl, the messier the car. It's a real turnoff, huh?
[KEITH'S not exaggerating. The car is disgusting. LUCAS reaches in and pulls out a sketchbook. Opening it, he finds a letter to Thud Magazine and a few sketches]
PEYTON: Those are my sketches!
[PEYTON walks up behind LUCAS and grabs the sketchbook]
LUCAS: Um... I wasn't looking.
PEYTON: This is personal. Alright, I don't read your diary!
LUCAS: I don't have a diary.
PEYTON: No? Dear Diary, my daddy doesn't love me. P.S. Stay out of my stuff!
[PEYTON storms off]
[OUTSIDE THE SCOTT'S HOUSE. NATHAN'S lifting weights when DAN walks up to him]
DAN: What's this I hear about a fight?
NATHAN: Nothing.
DAN: Did you win?
NATHAN: Dad, it was nothing.
DAN: No, son, it was something. Because if it was nothing, the principal wouldn't have called me at the dealership. Do you realize how fast a suspension or bad reputation can ruin your prospects?
NATHAN: Dad, he was hitting on my girlfriend! What do you want me to do?
DAN: Your girlfriend? Nathan, if you're going to get in a fight, get in a fight over something important. Did you get hurt?
NATHAN: No.
DAN: Okay, good.
[DAN starts to walk away]
NATHAN: Did you?
[DAN stops]
DAN: Me? Why?
NATHAN: He wasn't swinging at me, Dad... he was swinging at you.
[LUCAS' HOUSE. KAREN, HALEY, and LUCAS are sitting at the table]
KAREN: So, you gonna tell me about the fight or you wanna just assume I know about it while I yell at you?
[LUCAS glares at HALEY]
HALEY: Is that the phone? I'll get it.
[The phone's clearly not ringing but HALEY gets up anyway]
KAREN: Still here.
LUCAS: Mom, he had it coming. You know he said-
KAREN: No. When they called me today, I was certain they had the wrong Scott. And then they told me they had two Scotts and I could take my pick. Honestly, Lucas, fighting in class? Fighting at all?
LUCAS: The guy was being a jerk.
KAREN: And this is suddenly a surprise to you? He hasn't been a jerk before?
LUCAS: No. He's always a jerk.
KAREN: So why go down to his level? [Pause] This wouldn't have anything to do with playing poorly, would it?
LUCAS: [Angrily] How would you know? You weren't even there.
[KAREN'S shocked and saddened. She gets up and leaves]
LUCAS: I'm sorry. Mom... Mom! I'm so-
[LUCAS looks out the window to see PEYTON at Thud Magazine (the building). She doesn't enter and drops her sketchbook in the trash]
[THE TRASH CAN. LUCAS reaches in and pulls the sketchbook out, then looks at Thud Magazine]
[THE PORCH IN FRONT OF LUCAS' HOUSE. LUCAS walks outside and sits down with KAREN on the bench]
KAREN: How'd you sleep?
LUCAS: Not so good. I had this really bad dream where I as a jackass to my mom.
BOTH: Listen.
KAREN: Ooh.
LUCAS: Jinx.
[LUCAS playfully punches KAREN'S shoulder]
KAREN: Hey.
[KAREN punches him back and he laughs]
LUCAS: Sorry.
KAREN: No. I'm sorry. I should've told you the truth about why I couldn't be there. I- I really wanted to Luke, but the idea of walking into that gym...[Pause] That's where he told me he was going away to college without me. That's where everything changed.
[They're both quiet]
KAREN: I don't regret one second of one day with you, okay? I don't. But that day was a hard day in that gym. And it was basketball that he chose. And I'm sorry that you have to hear things like that, but I don't want to lie to you either.
LUCAS: I'm sorry you had to live it.
KAREN: Thank you.
[They hug]
[OUTSIDE. NATHAN and DAN are walking]
DAN: Look, I want to talk about what's happening with the team. I know you think I've been hard on you, but that's because I see the big picture here. Whitey's not going to bench this kid just because of one bad game.
NATHAN: So what? Let him embarrass himself.
DAN: No. It's more than that. Back when I played for Whitey, his word was law. He was always right. Even when he was wrong. So eventually I called him on it.
NATHAN: And he benched you in the state championship.
DAN: Yeah, so he claimed. He covered and acted like he benched me. But you should know the truth. I refused to go back in that game. We were ahead in the fourth quarter, and Whitey wanted to stall. What did I tell you about playing with the lead?
NATHAN: Be aggressive.
DAN: Exactly. Be aggressive. Plus, there were scouts who were there to see me. This guy was checking me. He was going to some big college back in Tinkham, so I did. I disobeyed Whitey and I scored on him.
NATHAN: Nice.
DAN: Yeah.
[DAN and NATHAN come to a stop in front of their house and DAN helps NATHAN stretch his arms]
DAN: Yeah, so Whitey called a time out and starts screaming about how it's his system that got us there and no one player was bigger than the team. So I sat down and I called his bluff.
NATHAN: And they lost.
DAN: Yeah, I felt bad for the guys. But he needed to know I'm the one who got us there. Not him and not his system. Listen, Nathan, I don't want you to back off this kid. No matter how poorly he plays, Whitey's just using him to get back at me. Eventually I'll deal with Whitey but for now, it's just you and me, okay?
NATHAN: Okay.
DAN: Okay.
[NATHAN walks away]
[THE LIBRARY. LUCAS is walking and JYGALSKI is behind him]
JYGALSKI: Hey Lucas.
[JYGALSKI falls into step beside LUCAS]
JYGALSKI: Tough game the other night.
LUCAS: Yeah.
[He's looking at JAKE weird]
JAKE: It happens. So you read a lot, huh?
LUCAS: Yeah.
JAKE: Yeah, I got something for you. Listen, I know we haven't had really had a chance to talk much since you joined the team but I just kinda wanted to stay out of your way, give you a chance to chill, you know. [Pause] Oh, I'm Jake.
[LUCAS shakes his hand]
LUCAS: Yeah, I know.
JAKE: A lot of talk about your one on one with Nathan. Man, I wish I could've been there.
LUCAS: Ah. It was no big deal.
JAKE: You know Nathan, he's... he's a hell of player he really is. But he buys into all of this nonsense. You've got him scared. Fear changes everything.
[JAKE hands Lucas a copy of the book Atlas Shrugged.]
LUCAS: Atlas Shrugged?
JAKE: Yeah, you read it?
LUCAS: No.
JAKE: It's good. Anyway, you're gonna be fine. Just remember... don't let him take it.
LUCAS: I don't know what that means.
JAKE: Yeah, I know. But you will.
[JAKE leaves]
[CLASSROOM. It's the same classroom as earlier and MR. KELLY is teaching]
MR. KELLY: Okay, we're going to try our little Hemingway project again. But in order to avoid a bar fight, we're going to do it on paper. Now you don't have to put your names on these. Simply write one word, one single word, to describe what you want most in your life right now.
[THE PLAYGROUND COURT. LUCAS is attempting to shoot the ball into the hoop when NATHAN walks over and grabs the ball]
NATHAN: It's like this.
[NATHAN shoots the ball in]
NATHAN: You can't do it, can you? [Pause] That's beautiful. I always wondered about it? We all do, right? [Pause] What happens when it's gone? But see, I've never seen anybody lose it. Like really lose it... until now.
[NATHAN shoots again then gives the ball to LUCAS]
NATHAN: Go ahead, man. Prove me wrong.
LUCAS: I don't have to prove anything to you.
NATHAN: That's pathetic. And it's too bad, really. I mean, I was looking forward to taking you down slowly, but now? Hell, what's the point? You already know it's over.
[NATHAN starts to walk away]
NATHAN: I'd say see you at practice, but we both know you're not going to be there. [Pause] Why humiliate yourself, right?
[As NATHAN walks away, LUCAS throws the ball and it hits NATHAN'S car]
NATHAN: You missed again.
[THE GYM. The team is practicing as WHITEY takes attendance]
WHITEY: Scott! Lucas Scott! [Pause] One more time! Lucas Scott!
[WHITEY shakes his head, disappointed]
[THE BODY SHOP. PEYTON'S picking up her car and LUCAS is behind the counter as PEYTON fills out the forms]
PEYTON: No practice today?
[LUCAS doesn't answer. Instead, he throws her sketchbook on the counter]
PEYTON: What, are you stalking me?
LUCAS: I thought someone should see them.
PEYTON: Well, it's none of your business.
LUCAS: You know what? You're right. It's none of my business. I wouldn't know anything about it.
PEYTON: I know you don't.
[PEYTON starts to leave]
LUCAS: Look, just tell me why you didn't submit them. Your stuff is good.
PEYTON: It's not good enough.
[LUCAS follows her outside]
LUCAS: Look, Peyton, why not?
[PEYTON turns around]
PEYTON: I want to draw something that means something to someone. You know, I want to draw blind faith or a fading summer or... just a moment of clarity. It's like when you go and you see a really great band live for the first time, you know, and nobody's saying it but everybody's thinking it-- "We have something to believe in again." I want to draw that feeling. But, I can't. And if I can't be great at it then I don't want to ruin it. It's too important to me.
[She starts to leave]
LUCAS: Yep. Me too.
[PEYTON turns around and looks at him before getting in her car and starting it]
LUCAS: Hey, about your sketchbook?
PEYTON: What about them? They don't mean anything to anybody, do they?
[PEYTON pulls out and LUCAS looks after her]
[WHITEY'S OFFICE. DAN walks in]
WHITEY: People who value their lives usually knock first. [Looks up and sees DAN] Oh. That explains it.
DAN: It's like a time capsule in here.
WHITEY: What can I do for you, Danny.
DAN: Well... you can let it go.
WHITEY: [Laughing] That's definitely the pot calling the kettle black, isn't it?
DAN: If you've got a problem with me, Whitey, don't take it out on Nathan.
WHITEY: What problem would that be, Danny?
DAN: Oh. I think you know. State championship. Now you've gone and humiliated Karen's son in some feeble attempt to get even.
WHITEY: Karen's son. That's a very convenient way of putting it. It might interest you to know that Karen's son has taken himself off the team. Does that make you happy, Danny? Seeing the demise of the kid you fathered and then abandoned?
DAN: Hey, move Nathan back to shooting guard and you might finally win that state championship.
[DAN starts to leave]
WHITEY: You're just destroying kids' lives left and right, aren't you?
DAN: Well, you've made a career out of it.
[MR. KELLY'S CLASSROOM. There aren't any students in there, and MR. KELLY is sitting at his desk, going through a stack small papers the kids wrote their one word on. We see the word "truth." Cut to PEYTON looking at her artwork on her walls. She tears it all down. Then we see the word "Revenge." NATHAN gets up from lifting weights. We see the word "answers." LUCAS is sitting on a picnic table at the playground court]
[PLAYGROUND COURT. LUCAS is sitting on the picnic table as WHITEY pulls up, gets out of his car, and walks over to LUCAS]
WHITEY: Missed you at practice.
LUCAS: I can't do it.
WHITEY: You want to know something? I have had 35 winning seasons. Do you know what keeps me up at night? College jobs I never took. Could've beens have a way of doing that.
[LUCAS nods]
LUCAS: Yeah.
WHITEY: We got a game tomorrow night. You're on my team until tip-off. The rest is up to you.
[LUCAS nods]
WHITEY: Look, son. There's no shame in being afraid. Hell, we're all afraid. What you've got to do is figure out what you're afraid of. Because when you put a face on it, you can beat it. Or better yet, you can use it. [Pause] Think about it.
[WHITEY leaves and LUCAS clearly is thinking about it]
[PEYTON'S ROOM. PEYTON'S lying on her bed reading a magazine as NATHAN paints her toenails]
NATHAN: You've got some ugly toes, girl.
PEYTON: No I don't.
NATHAN: Yeah, you do. They're like practically fingers.
PEYTON: Well, then just focus on the middle one.
NATHAN: Aw, come on. I was just joking. I love your toes. [Pause] So I'm thinking about quitting the team.
PEYTON: Right.
NATHAN: No, I'm serious. I don't even like it anymore. Whitey can't stand me. It's never good enough for my dad.
[PEYTON'S getting excited. She likes this. She's actually smiling]
PEYTON: I think you should. Why not, right? I mean, you can quit the team and I'll quit cheerleading and then... we can just walk away from it. Nathan, lets do it!
NATHAN: Yeah, right. That's what I'm gonna do. I gotta go. I'll see you at the game.
[A STREET. HALEY and LUCAS are walking]
HALEY: Did you ever figure out your p0rn name?
LUCAS: What are you talking about?
HALEY: Your p0rn name. Um, you know, you take the name of your first pet and your mother's maiden name and you put them together. What was the name of your first pet?
LUCAS: You know that. I had a dog named Rocket.
HALEY: Oh, Rocket! Ah! I loved Rocket. [Pause] So your mother's maiden name is Roe. Rocket Roe! [Laughs] Nice.
LUCAS: What's yours?
HALEY: Uh, oh, I had a bunny, named Bunny.
LUCAS: You had a Bunny named Bunny?
HALEY: Yes I did. And my mother's maiden name is Beaugard. So... Nice.
LUCAS: Bunny Beaugard.
HALEY: Bunny Beaugard.
HALEY: Dawson's Freak. Starring Rocket Roe and Bunny Beaugard.
LUCAS: Nice.
HALEY: Shut up!
[LUCAS starts to walk away]
HALEY: Hey, um, this game tonight. You're not playing anymore...
LUCAS: No. [Pause] You know I've never walked away from anything before, Haley?
HALEY: Yeah.
LUCAS: But I can't do it. And even worse, I don't know why I can't do it. You know, it's like, no matter how confusing or screwed up life got, the game always made sense. It was mine, you know. And in a lot of ways it's who I am. But I can't be that person in their gym, or in their uniforms, or... in their world.
HALEY: I hear you, Luke. But I know you. And I know that no matter what happens you're still going to be the same guy you always were. No uniform, no... whatever is gonna ruin that, you know? [Pause] Call me later. We'll go get some pizza.
[PEYTON'S SKETCHBOOK. LUCAS flips through it. He stops on a sketch with a bunch of similarly dressed people with one exception. Over it, it says, "They are not you." KAREN walks in with a lot of laundry]
KAREN: Hey.
[LUCAS looks up]
KAREN: I took the night off. Thought I'd take in a basketball game.
LUCAS: Sorry, Mom.
KAREN: No, Luke. I'm sorry. I've always loved the game. Even in the junior leagues. [Laughs] I remember when they issued you your first jersey. And I couldn't get you out of that. You wore that thing for weeks. And then you decided to quit playing. Do you remember why?
[LUCAS looks upset but doesn't answer]
KAREN: Lucas?
LUCAS: I didn't want to see his face.
KAREN: Dan.
LUCAS: I didn't want to be like him. And... I was afraid that I'd become him if I played. [Pause] In the gym, I felt like he had a piece of me. I never felt like that on the playground.
KAREN: Well, I'd say he's taken enough from us. I took the night off to watch my son play again. The way that he used to when he loved the game more than anything.
[KAREN sets Lucas' laundry down and starts to leave]
LUCAS: Mom?
[KAREN pokes her head back in]
LUCAS: Thank you.
KAREN: It's hard to fight the things that we're afraid of. Sometimes we just need a little help.
[KAREN leaves and LUCAS looks back down at the sketches]
[THUD MAGAZINE. A MAN is closing up when LUCAS runs over]
LUCAS: Hey! Hold on!
[LUCAS reaches the man and taps him on the shoulder]
LUCAS: Here Could you take a look at these? You won't be disappointed.
[MAN takes the sketches]
MAN: Sure. Okay.
[LUCAS runs away and MAN looks after him]
[KAREN'S CAFÉ. HALEY'S working behind the counter when she sees LUCAS run past. HALEY smiles]
[THE SCOTT'S HOUSE. NATHAN'S about to leave and DAN'S following behind him]
DAN: It's time to focus now, Nathan. Put everything out of your mind that bothers you. [His voice gets echo-y] I don't want you thinking about Whitey. I don't want you thinking about your teammates. Let them think about you, son. The other team's thinking about you. And they're scared. I'll see you at the game.
[NATHAN, looking upset, starts to leave]
[THE GYM. The cheerleaders are already warming up when PEYTON walks in. She sits down next to BROOKE]
BROOKE: I was beginning to think you weren't going to show.
PEYTON: It's game night. Where else would I be?
[HALLWAY BY LOCKER ROOM. DAN walks quickly, trying to stop LUCAS]
DAN: Uh, son!
[LUCAS turns around surprised. DAN'S surprised too. He didn't know it was LUCAS]
DAN: Give this to my boy, would you?
[DAN hands LUCAS NATHAN'S gym bag and leaves]
JAKE: Don't let him take it.
[LUCAS looks to see JAKE]
JAKE: Your talent. [Pause] It's all yours.
[JAKE takes the bag from LUCAS, saving LUCAS the embarrassment. LUCAS looks back in DAN'S direction, upset.]
[LOCKER ROOM. LUCAS has started to put his jersey on, but now he's looking at the word "Scott" on the back of it]
LUCAS [V.O.]: Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark in the hopeless swaps of the not quite, the not yet, and the not at all.
[KAREN and KEITH walk into the gym]
LUCAS [V.O.]: Do not let the hero in your soul perish in lonely frustration for the life you deserved and have never been able to reach.
[KAREN sees DAN in the audience]
[PEYTON and BROOKE cheering]
LUCAS [V.O.]: The world you desire can be won.
[PEYTON'S ARTWORK being looked at by the Thud Magazine guy]
LUCAS [V.O.] It exists.
[LOCKER ROOM. The guys are about to file out]
LUCAS [V.O.]: It is real.
NATHAN: Don't choke.
[THE GYM as the team runs out. PEYTON'S cheering nearby]
LUCAS [V.O.]: It is possible.
LUCAS: Peyton!
[PEYTON looks at him]
LUCAS [V.O.] It is yours.
LUCAS: Your art matters. It's what got me here.
[PEYTON smiles]
[HUDDLE. All the team's hands are placed on top of each other as WHITEY looks on, smiling]
TIM: Lets go, lets go! Ravens on three! One, two, three!
TEAM: Ravens!
[TEAM runs out except for LUCAS]
WHITEY: You're gonna be okay.
LUCAS: Yeah, I am.
[LUCAS sees DAN in the bleachers. They look at each other, and as LUCAS turns around to join his teammates, DAN notices the word "Scott" is no longer on LUCAS'S jersey. He looks a bit upset]
[THE MATERIAL "SCOTT" falling to the floor] | Plan: A: the team; Q: What does Lucas decide to quit after blowing his first varsity game? A: The wedge; Q: What is the name of the growing tension between Nathan and Peyton? A: Peyton; Q: Who tires of Nathan's jabs at Lucas? A: Keith; Q: Who forces Karen to deal with her feelings for Dan? A: foot; Q: What did Karen refuse to set what in the high school gym to support her son? A: Dashboard Confessional; Q: What band did the episode "The Wedge" name after? Summary: Lucas blows his first varsity game and decides to quit the team. The wedge between Nathan and Peyton continues to grow after Peyton tires of Nathan's jabs at Lucas. Meanwhile, Keith forces Karen to deal with her feelings for Dan after she refuses to set foot in the high school gym to support her son. This episode is named after a song by Dashboard Confessional . |
2.05 - Nick & Nora, Sid & Nancy
OPEN AT LUKE'S DINER
[Lorelai and Rory are sitting at a table. Lorelai's eating breakfast while Rory watches her.]
RORY: How are the eggs?
LORELAI: Good.
RORY: I'm glad.
LORELAI: They're still good.
RORY: I'm still glad.
LORELAI: Look freak, we will not be late.
RORY: It's the first day of school. I wanna get there early.
LORELAI: We will be there early, I promise.
RORY: I have different classes this year, my routes aren't the same. I haven't found the quickest path around. And my locker, they moved it, so I don't even know if it'll work properly and then I'll have to get a new one and God knows how long that'll take or where it'll be and that could send the whole day into chaos. I'm just excited.
[Lane walks into the diner]
LANE: Oh, thank God, you haven't left yet.
RORY: Nope, what's up?
LANE: Well, I found the greatest record store in the world. It's ten minutes from your school and I'm wondering how much you love me.
RORY: Address.
LANE: Record Breaker Incorporated, 2453 Berlin Turnpike.
RORY: Got it. Place your order now.
LANE: Okay, Charles Mingus, "The Black Saint and the Sinner Lady."
LORELAI: Mm.
RORY: Right.
LANE: The Sonics, Here are the Sonics.
RORY: Burn me a copy. Next.
LANE: MC5, Kick Out the Jams. Fairport Convention, Leige and Lief. BeeGees, Odessa.
RORY: BeeGees, really?
LANE: Well, Mojo says.
RORY: So it must be true.
LANE: Okay, that's it. Now if I could just find a copy of Whistler, Chaucer, Detroit and Greenhill, I will finally be done with the sixties.
RORY: I can get there today, tomorrow at the latest.
LANE: I love it when you go back to school.
RORY: Me too. Hey!
LORELAI: I am getting donuts for later. As soon as I do, I will take you to school and the nice men in the white coats will pick you up.
[Lorelai walks up to the counter. Taylor is standing there with a group of Boy Scouts.]
TAYLOR: Everybody, listen up. Decide what you want, place your order, and then proceed to the end of the line.
BOY 1: I want a burger.
BOY 2: I want grilled cheese.
BOY 3: Me too.
BOY 2: And I want fries, and make them really really cripsy.
BOY 1: I want mine crispy too.
BOY 2: You didn't order fries.
BOY 1: So?
LUKE: So you can't order crispy fries without first ordering fries.
BOY 1: Why not?
LUKE: Because you can't make something crispy that doesn't exist.
BOY 1: Why not?
LUKE: Get him away from me Taylor.
TAYLOR: Have some respect. These boys have just completed the first leg of their outdoor survival training.
LUKE: Meaning you had them sit under a tree and glue rocks together for two hours.
TAYLOR: You're a very jaded man Luke. What happened to you as a child?
LUKE: Some creepy guy in shorts and knee socks tried to sit me under a tree and glue rocks together for two hours. Put that down!
BOY 4: Why?
LUKE: Because otherwise you're going under it.
BOY 4: I won't fit.
LUKE: Oh yes you will.
LORELAI: Hey, donuts please.
BOY 1: We were here first!
LORELAI: On the planet?
BOY 1: Huh?
LORELAI: You lose. Chocolate, cinnamon and sprinkles.
[phone rings; Lorelai and the kids moan as Luke goes to answer it.]
LUKE: All of you pipe down.
LORELAI: Grups, huh?
LUKE: [on phone] Yeah, I'm working. What do you think I'm doing? Uh huh. Uh huh. Oh man, what did you do? Excuse me, are you serious? Just like that, huh?
[Lorelai goes behind the counter and gets her own donuts]
BOY 2: Hey Mr. Doose. She's not supposed to do that.
TAYLOR: That's right. She's breaking the rules, and people who break the rules end up very lonely with no friends because they have become society's outcasts.
LORELAI: Planning on burning a little Huck Finn after lunch, Taylor?
TAYLOR: Excuse me?
LUKE: [on phone] This is unbelievable! You won't ever change, will you? . . . Okay, fine. Do what you want, make the arrangements. Now I'm working, we'll finish this later. [hangs up]
LORELAI: Is everything okay?
LUKE: Do you have a sister?
LORELAI: Um, no.
BOY 1: I do.
LUKE: You have my sympathies.
BOY 1: Thanks. I appreciate that.
[opening credits]
CUT TO FRONT OF LUKE'S DINER
[Luke walks towards the diner carrying several shopping bags. He drops a bag on the sidewalk. Lorelai is walking by and stops to help.]
LORELAI: Hey.
LUKE: Hello.
LORELAI: What are you doing?
LUKE: Ah, just redecorating the sidewalk.
LORELAI: Oh, it looks nice.
LUKE: Yeah yeah yeah, you don't think too much blue?
LORELAI: No, just enough.
LUKE: Yeah, well, thanks for the input. You can go now.
LORELAI: Need some help?
LUKE: Nope.
LORELAI: Need some help?
LUKE: Nope.
LORELAI: Need some help?
LUKE: Nope.
LORELAI: So do you need some help?
[Luke sighs.]
CUT TO OUTSIDE LUKE'S APARTMENT
[Luke and Lorelai walk down the hallway to Luke's apartment. Luke is carrying the shopping bags, Lorelai is carrying a box of cereal. Luke unlocks the door.]
LORELAI: Frosted Flakes? Since when do you buy Frosted Flakes? [Luke drops some bags, food spills all over.] Okay, now what is going on?
LUKE: Nothing.
LORELAI: Nothing? You just all of sudden woke up this morning and decided you were gonna buy every food item in the world that you don't actually eat?
LUKE: It's not for me.
LORELAI: Well who's it for?
LUKE: Someone who's not me.
LORELAI: Like who?
[cut to inside apartment]
LUKE: Like my nephew.
LORELAI: Oh, your nephew's coming to visit.
LUKE: No, he's coming to stay.
LORELAI: You're sister's moving here?
[they start picking up the spilled food in the hallway and bringing it inside]
LUKE: Nope.
LORELAI: Well, I'm sorry, I don't get it.
LUKE: There's nothing to get. It's just Liz. She's too busy, she can't handle him, she's sending him here.
LORELAI: Where's his dad?
LUKE: Oh well, the great prize that my sister picked up at a Der Wienerschnitzel left her about two years ago, whereabouts unknown.
LORELAI: Aww, geez.
LUKE: Yup.
LORELAI: So she's just sending him here, just like that?
LUKE: Oh no, I'm sure she put at least five or six minutes of thought into it.
LORELAI: But why?
LUKE: Well, 'cause apparently he's been getting into some trouble and Liz is afraid he's heading for something bad, and rather than handle it herself, she's just giving up. She's sending him here so I can straighten him out.
LORELAI: You?
LUKE: Yes.
LORELAI: You can straighten him out?
LUKE: Yes.
LORELAI: You, Luke Danes, the great communicator, you're going to straighten the kid out?
LUKE: All he needs is a change of pace, a new crowd, and to get away from the nutjob that, unfortunately, is my sister.
LORELAI: Well, how long is he staying?
LUKE: I don't know. Indefinitely.
LORELAI: And how old is he?
LUKE: Seventeen.
LORELAI: Oh, wow. That is very generous of you.
LUKE: Well, it's family, what else can you do?
LORELAI: Right. So what kind of trouble has he gotten into?
LUKE: Ah, just kid stuff, you know, staying out late, getting rowdy. I don't know exactly.
LORELAI: Well, you might want to find out. Ask a couple of subtle questions, you know, has he seen The Shawshank Redemption, did the setting seem homey to him? Stuff like that.
LUKE: Look, his problem is obvious, it's his mother. You never could count on Liz for anything. Our mom died when we were kids, right? It was just my dad, me and Liz. And my dad worked all the time and I worked in the store with my dad, and Liz was off doing God knows what.
LORELAI: Well, I bet losing her mom so early was kind of hard on her.
LUKE: It was hard on all of us, but we did our part. And then the minute she graduates high school, she is outta here. Didn't matter that my dad was sick, didn't matter that the store was failing, she just took off. Married the hot dog king, had a kid, he left, now here we are. [Luke starts pumping up an air mattress]
LORELAI: Yeah, wow, that's I'm sorry, what are you doing?
LUKE: I'm blowing this up.
LORELAI: What is it?
LUKE: It's a bed.
LORELAI: A bed?
LUKE: For Jess.
LORELAI: Jess?
LUKE: Jess, my nephew.
LORELAI: Luke, um, that's not a bed, that's a raft, which is fine if you're gonna build a moat around the diner but
LUKE: It's fine.
LORELAI: Luke, the kid needs a bed. If you want to get him something inflatable, make it a blonde.
LUKE: I'm getting him a bed, this is just temporary.
LORELAI: Hey, how does Jess feel about this?
LUKE: I don't know.
LORELAI: You haven't talked to him about it?
LUKE: No.
LORELAI: Don't you think you should?
LUKE: Why? He doesn't have a choice. His mom's a flake, he's coming here, end of story.
LORELAI: Are you sure you're ready for this?
LUKE: Of course I'm sure.
LORELAI: I mean, taking on a full time kid, that's a lot of work.
LUKE: I know.
LORELAI: And a seventeen-year-old that's been getting into trouble and now is being shipped off without his consent, that could be even harder.
LUKE: Look, all he needs is to be around someone who's not a selfish basketcase, who will give him a little space, who will treat him like a man.
LORELAI: Maybe you should think about this.
LUKE: There's nothing to think about. He's family. You take care of family, period.
LORELAI: Yes, I respect that, but what if he turns out to be Fredo?
LUKE: Are you seriously telling me not to do this?
LORELAI: No, I'm not telling you not to do this.
LUKE: Then what are you saying?
LORELAI: I'm just saying that if you need any help, I'm here.
LUKE: Thank you.
LORELAI: You're welcome.
LUKE: Look, I got a lot of things to do before he gets here so
LORELAI: Okay, I'm leaving. Oh, you do have an extra set of sheets, right?
LUKE: Yes, I do.
LORELAI: Sorry, just checking. Bye. [leaves]
LUKE: [grabs keys] Sheets, sheets.
CUT TO CHILTON
[Rory is walking down the hallway towards a classroom. Paris, Madeline and Louise are walking towards the same room from the other direction. They stop in front of the doorway and look at each other before going inside.]
RORY: Okay, round two.
CUT TO INSIDE CLASSROOM
[Rory walks over to Paris.]
RORY: Five seconds?
PARIS: Four.
RORY: Fine.
PARIS: Now it's three.
RORY: Paris, it does not have to be like this.
PARIS: No?
RORY: You and I are going to have to spend a lot of time in class together on The Franklin.
PARIS: I know.
RORY: We're gonna have to sit in the same classroom, share the same oxygen, occasionally make eye contact.
PARIS: I can avoid that.
RORY: Look, I'm not saying that we should be friends. I don't want to be friends. I'm just saying that maybe we should look at this like life.
PARIS: Life?
RORY: Yes, in life there will be people that you don't like, but that you have to coexist with.
PARIS: I am well aware of that.
RORY: So I'm just suggesting that we coexist.
PARIS: You're just scared that I'm gonna make your life on The Franklin a living hell. Especially since I'm the editor and you're oh, what's the word not.
RORY: If you want to spend the precious energy that you'd normally spend on the paper obsessing on ways to make me miserable, then that's your choice. I'm just suggesting an alternate plan. The paper could be really great this year.
PARIS: I know.
RORY: So, can't we just agree on that and make all the rest of it go away?
[Louise and Madeline walk over]
LOUISE: Everything okay?
RORY: Yeah, Riff, everything's fine.
PARIS: We were just talking.
MADELINE: Talking? You two?
PARIS: About The Franklin.
MADELINE: Oh. Nope, still seems weird.
PARIS: Hey, look, we're all on the paper together. There's gonna be a lot of long afternoons and weekends.
LOUISE: Weekends?
PARIS: We need to coexist, right?
RORY: Right.
LOUISE: I'm sorry. Back up to the weekends.
PARIS: So that's what we'll do. Now the first meeting of The Franklin is today.
RORY: Yes it is.
PARIS: Four o'clock.
RORY: Sounds good.
LOUISE: Weekends were never mentioned. I need my weekends. All of this gets done on weekends.
CUT TO BUSSTOP
[Luke is waiting on the bench. The bus pulls up and Jess steps off.]
LUKE: Jess.
JESS: Luke.
LUKE: Okay, so uh [Luke walks towards the diner, Jess follows]
CUT TO LUKE'S DINER
[Luke and Jess walk through the door.]
LUKE: Well, this is my diner.
JESS: Huh.
LUKE: Belonged to your Grandpa.
JESS: Huh.
LUKE: Yup.
CUT TO LUKE'S APARTMENT
[Luke and Jess walk through the door.]
LUKE: Well, here we are. It's pretty simple. You know, this is the room. That's my bed, that's your, uh, bed for now, but the sheets are new. There's the bathroom, there's the closet, there's the dresser, the phone, and over there is the kitchen. I've got Frosted Flakes.
JESS: Wow, that's grrrrreat.
LUKE: So, is that all your stuff?
JESS: Yup.
LUKE: Not much there.
JESS: Well, Lizzie's sending the rest later.
LUKE: So, you need some help?
JESS: Nope.
LUKE: Okay, uh, I have to get back to the diner. I'm gonna close up at ten tonight, so I thought
JESS: See you at ten.
LUKE: But wait, you need keys.
JESS: No I don't. [leaves]
LUKE: I so don't wanna know why.
CUT TO OUTSIDE
[Jess walks out of the diner, looks around the town, and walks down the street.]
CUT TO CHILTON
[Rory sits down on a bench to read before the newspaper meeting starts. She hears voices from inside the room and goes inside. Several students and a teacher are sitting at a table.]
PARIS: Pick a side people. Oh, Rory.
RORY: Hey.
TEACHER: Nice of you to join us, Miss Gilmore.
RORY: I thought we were starting at four.
TEACHER: No, we start at 3:15 sharp.
PARIS: Look, we're wasting time here.
TEACHER: Take a seat Miss Gilmore.
RORY: Sorry.
PARIS: Okay, so we were just finishing up handing out the first assignments. Now, Rory, unfortunately, since you got here so late, most everything of interest has been given out.
RORY: Why, I'm shocked.
PARIS: Wait, wait, just let me check my list here. There might be something left for you. Okay, well, here, they're paving the new parking lot tomorrow.
RORY: And?
PARIS: And you can cover it.
RORY: Cover what?
PARIS: The paving process.
RORY: You're serious?
PARIS: Absolutely. I'm sure there's an angle there somewhere. Is it environmentally safe? What are the financial ramifications? Should brick have been considered especially taking into account the architecture of the building?
RORY: Yeah yeah, I get the idea.
PARIS: But hey, if you think this is below you, you can always wait until the next issue. You can just use this time to get a nice manicure.
RORY: That's okay.
PARIS: Maybe get a massage.
RORY: I'll do it.
PARIS: Aromatherapy. Smell like a peach for a few days.
RORY: I said I'll do it, okay? I'll cover the paving.
PARIS: Okay, good. Well then, I guess that's it.
[Everyone gets up from the table. Paris walks to a computer and starts typing. Rory walks over to her.]
PARIS: Problem, Miss Gilmore?
RORY: Nope, no problem at all. I love this assignment.
PARIS: I'm glad.
RORY: I'm gonna write the greatest piece on pavement you've ever read.
PARIS: I hope so.
RORY: And next week, when you give me the scoop on the new copper plumbing installation, I'm gonna be just as thrilled.
PARIS: I like a team player.
RORY: And no matter how many crappy, stupid, useless assignments you throw at me, I'm not going to quit and I'm not going to back down. So you can go home tonight and think about the fact that no matter what you do and no matter how evil you are, at the end of the year, on my high school transcript, it's going to say that I worked on The Franklin. So, if you'll excuse me, I have some reading to do on the origins of concrete.
PARIS: A thousand words on my desk on Tuesday.
[Rory walks out of the room and starts walking down the hallway. Max is coming from the other direction. They stop in front of each other, then both turn around and go the other way. Paris watches from the classroom window.]
CUT TO LUKE'S DINER
[Luke is wiping a table as Lorelai walks into the diner.]
LORELAI: Hey.
[Luke is startled and spills coffee on the table.]
LUKE: Oh geez.
LORELAI: Sorry.
LUKE: No, I'll just you want some coffee?
LORELAI: It's okay. I'll just lick it off the table. So?
LUKE: So what?
LORELAI: Is he here?
LUKE: He's here.
LORELAI: Yeah? How is he? [sits at counter]
LUKE: He's fine.
LORELAI: Did he see the bed?
LUKE: He saw the bed.
LORELAI: Well, where is he? I wanna meet him.
LUKE: Oh, he's out.
LORELAI: Out where?
LUKE: I don't know.
LORELAI: You don't?
LUKE: No, he just went out.
LORELAI: You didn't ask him where he was going?
LUKE: No.
LORELAI: Why not?
LUKE: Because he's not two.
LORELAI: Yeah, but Luke, he's new in town. He doesn't know his way around yet.
LUKE: Way around what? This is Stars Hollow. You take three left turns and you're back in the center of town.
LORELAI: Luke, when a kid goes out, you have to at least ask where he's going.
LUKE: Why?
LORELAI: Because you're responsible for him now. If he goes and knocks over a liquor store, it's gonna be your fault.
LUKE: If I had asked him where he was going and he actually intended to knock off a liquor store, do you really think he would've told me that?
LORELAI: If he's dumb.
LUKE: He's fine. New topic.
[Jess walks into the diner]
LUKE: Jess, hey, good. I'd like you to meet someone.
LORELAI: Hey. Hi, I'm Lorelai. I just wanted to meet you before Luke had a chance to fill your head with all kinds of little lies about me.
JESS: Hi.
LORELAI: You know, you should meet my daughter. She's about your age. She can show you where all the good wilding goes on. . . .Okay, well, it's nice to meet you. I hope you like it here. . . . . So, class dismissed.
LUKE: Uh, are you hungry 'cause I can [Jess goes upstairs]
LORELAI: So that's Jess?
LUKE: Yup.
LORELAI: Very chatty.
LUKE: He's adjusting. He just got here. He probably just went out and realized there are twelve stores in this town devoted entirely to peddling porcelain unicorns. I've lived in this town my entire life, I still can't believe it.
LORELAI: I'm sure that's it.
LUKE: He'll be fine in a few days.
LORELAI: Hey, listen, I have a fabulous idea. What are you doing tomorrow night?
LUKE: Why?
LORELAI: Why don't you and Jess come over for dinner?
LUKE: Dinner?
LORELAI: Sookie will cook, Rory will be there. It'll be a little 'Hey, welcome to Stars Hollow and see, everyone here's not straight out of a Fellini film' kind of an evening.
LUKE: Okay, that would be nice, thanks.
LORELAI: You're welcome.
LUKE: You won't bring up the bed?
LORELAI: Oh no, I'll definitely bring up the bed.
[Luke walks away. Rory walks in and sits at the counter next to Lorelai.]
RORY: Oh my God, I hate her.
LORELAI: Ah, me too.
RORY: You have no idea who I'm talking about.
LORELAI: Solidarity sister.
RORY: Paris.
LORELAI: Ugh. Well, that I should've guessed.
RORY: She thinks she can torture me off the paper and she can't.
LORELAI: No, she can't.
RORY: I have never met anyone like her before. Her insistence on holding onto this stupid grudge that is based on nothing and will never ever end shows an amount of commitment that I would've never thought possible. I'm beginning to admire her.
LORELAI: First day sucked?
RORY: Just the paper stuff sucked, the rest of the stuff was good.
LORELAI: Good, I'm glad to hear it. Did you happen to run into Max?
RORY: Actually, no.
LORELAI: Really?
RORY: Yeah, our paths just didn't cross.
LORELAI: Isn't he your Lit teacher?
RORY: Yeah, but I do have really tall people sitting in front of me.
LORELAI: Rory.
RORY: I saw him in the hallway and I walked the other way and
LORELAI: Why?
RORY: I don't know. I thought that's what you'd want me to do.
LORELAI: Just because Max isn't apart of my life anymore doesn't mean he can't be apart of yours. He has to be apart of yours. You have to see him and talk to him, and that's okay. That's good. I know everything seems screwed up right now, but I don't want you to avoid him, especially not on my account. Okay?
RORY: All right.
LORELAI: I am sorry that I put you in this position.
RORY: That's okay. It's going on the list.
LORELAI: My God, that list is getting long.
RORY: You have no idea.
CUT TO OUTSIDE
[Rory and Lorelai come out of Luke's and walk down the sidewalk.]
LORELAI: We are having a little gathering tomorrow night.
RORY: What kind of gathering?
LORELAI: Well, Luke's nephew's here, and I thought we could try to make him feel a little more at home.
RORY: Did you meet him?
LORELAI: Sort of.
RORY: What's he like?
LORELAI: Well, he's not gonna be subbing for the new dodo on the Regis show any time soon, let's put in like that.
CUT TO LUKE'S APARTMENT
[Jess is sitting on his bed smoking and shuffling cards as Luke walks in.]
LUKE: So you get unpacked?
JESS: Yup.
LUKE: Get enough space in the closet?
JESS: Plenty.
LUKE: You hungry?
JESS: Eighteen.
LUKE: What?
JESS: Just counting how many questions 'til we hit twenty.
LUKE: Okay, never mind. [phone rings, Luke answers] Yeah? Yeah, Liz, he got here fine.
JESS: Got here at ten this morning.
LUKE: Okay, hang on a sec. Jess? [holds out the phone]
JESS: Pass.
LUKE: Jess, come on.
JESS: Nope.
LUKE: What am I supposed to tell her?
JESS: Tell her I gotta take another crack at that closet. You know, I think I hung my Tool T-shirt next to my Metallica T-shirt and they don't really get along.
LUKE: You really want me to tell her that?
JESS: You think a different band combo would sell it more?
LUKE: [on phone] Yeah, Liz, Jess is gonna have to call you back. Yeah, he's helping me out with a shelf thing and his hand are full Yeah, I'll tell him. Okay, bye. [hangs up] She said to tell you that your stuff will be here on Friday.
JESS: Great, we'll have a party.
LUKE: You know, your mom thinks this is. . .you know, for the best and for your own good and. . . Anyhow, I guess you'll just call her when you feel like it.
JESS: You wanna play some poker? Five bucks a hand?
LUKE: No.
JESS: Ten?
LUKE: No.
JESS: I can't go any higher than ten.
LUKE: Jess.
JESS: Okay, fifteen
LUKE: Yeah, I don't wanna play poker.
JESS: You sure?
LUKE: I'm sure.
JESS: Okie dokie.
LUKE: So, listen, Lorelai - you met her today, remember? Anyhow, um, she invited us to her house tomorrow night for dinner. Her daughter Rory, who you didn't meet but you'll like 'cause she's a lot like Lorelai, but she's got a slightly tighter grasp on reality. Anyhow, she'll be there, and you know, it'd be a I don't know, it'd be a chance for you to meet more people and so I, I said yes.
[Jess grabs his coat and walks out.]
CUT TO CHILTON
[Rory is sitting alone at the table waiting for the newspaper meeting to start. Paris walks in.]
PARIS: Oh, hello.
RORY: Hi.
PARIS: You're early.
RORY: Yeah, well I felt so bad about the mix up last time, I wanted to make sure it didn't happen again. It won't.
[Other students walk in for the meeting and sit at the table.]
MADELINE: Hey, did you hear that Kimber Slately and Tristin are a major item?
LOUISE: I thought that Kimber and Shawn Asher were this year's John and Jackie.
MADELINE: Nope, Shawn is with Deeds McGuire now, which pushed Jeff Trainer into Dottie Lords' arms leaving Madison Maylands alone for the first weekend since he became captain of the lacrosse team.
LOUISE: Wow, you know so much so soon. You have a gift.
MADELINE: I know. Hey Paris, what do you think about me writing a gossip column for The Franklin?
PARIS: Huh. I don't know. That's a hard one. I mean, this is The Franklin, a newspaper that's been around for almost a hundred years. There have been at least ten former editors of The Franklin that have gone on to work at the New York Times. Six have gone onto the Washington Post. Three are contributing editors at the New Yorker. I think one even went on to win the Pullitzer Prize. But never mind them. I could be the first editor in the history of The Franklin to introduce a column exclusively devoted to who Biffy's boffing today. Quandary. You know, I'm gonna have to get back to you on that one.
MADELINE: Okay.
TEACHER: Oh good, we're all here. And prompt, lovely. Well, I've read everyone's article, and they were all extremely well done. Snappy, informative, well-researched. Paris, you should be very proud of the team you've assembled here this year.
PARIS: Thank you.
TEACHER: I mean, when you've got a reporter who can take an incredibly mundane and seemingly unimportant subject like the re-paving of the faculty parking lot and turn it into a bittersweet piece on how everybody and everything eventually becomes obsolete, then you've really got something. Miss Gilmore, I was touched.
RORY: I owe it all to Paris.
TEACHER: I would strongly advise that next time you give Miss Gilmore something with a little more meat to it.
PARIS: Oh, yeah, great idea.
TEACHER: Okay, let's get down to work here. We've got a layout to put together.
[Rory walks to a computer and sits down. Paris walks over to her.]
PARIS: Well, congratulations.
RORY: Thank you.
PARIS: You must be very proud of yourself.
RORY: Well, I'm not hiding when I pass a mirror.
PARIS: I guess it's part of my job as editor to make sure that our best writer's are writing our best pieces, so I'm going to give you one of our best pieces.
RORY: Uh huh.
PARIS: Front page, lead story, above the fold.
RORY: Get to the catch Paris.
PARIS: No catch.
RORY: No catch?
PARIS: I'd like to start out year off with a profile on the teacher voted most popular from the year before. You know, an in-depth, no holds barred interview. Everybody wants it. You have it.
RORY: You're kidding.
PARIS: Nope.
RORY: Well, thanks.
PARIS: You're welcome. So go ahead and set up that interview with Mr. Medina as soon as possible.
RORY: What?
PARIS: I know it's short notice but I'd love it to lead off the first edition.
RORY: Mr. Medina?
PARIS: He was the winner by a landslide.
RORY: But
PARIS: I'm sorry, is there a problem? I mean, is there some reason why you wouldn't want to interview him? After all, you of all people should be able to get the most in-depth story out of him, especially since he and your mother are involved. They are still involved, aren't they?
RORY: Let's just leave my mother's personal life out of this, okay?
PARIS: Oh, that sounds bad.
RORY: It's not bad, it's just none of your business.
PARIS: Fine. You want the interview or not?
RORY: Yes, I want the interview.
PARIS: Good. Get me something more than his favorite color, okay?
CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE
[Sookie and Jackson are in the kitchen cooking.]
SOOKIE: Maybe I should make grilled cheese.
JACKSON: But you're making pot roast.
SOOKIE: But not everybody likes pot roast.
JACKSON: Well, then they can have the chicken wings, the mashed potatoes, the four different kinds of salad that you're making in addition to the pot roast.
SOOKIE: Yeah, I guess you're right.
JACKSON: So I should start slicing the cheese?
SOOKIE: Would you? Oh, that'd be great.
[Lorelai walks into the kitchen.]
LORELAI: Oh, wow, something smells good.
SOOKIE: It's the garlic.
JACKSON: Three heads of it.
LORELAI: Nice.
SOOKIE: I want everything to be perfect. We are gonna make this kid think that he died and went to heaven.
JACKSON: Or Henry the Eighth's house.
[Lorelai knocks on Rory's bedroom door.]
LORELAI: Milady?
RORY: Come in.
[Lorelai opens the door, Rory is sitting at her computer.]
LORELAI: Hey, you joining the festivities?
RORY: In a sec.
LORELAI: You sound crabby.
RORY: I'm concentrating.
LORELAI: Okay, don't concentrate too hard. Boys like 'em dumb, right Jackson?
JACKSON: If you can navigate yourself around a tree, keep on walking.
[There's a knock at the front door]
LORELAI: Coming!
SOOKIE: What if he doesn't do dairy?
[SCENE_BREAK]
CUT TO FRONT HALLWAY
[Lorelai opens the front door, Luke and Jess are standing there.]
LORELAI: Hey, perfect timing. Sookie's about to break her own record for the most food served outside the Roman Empire.
LUKE: Sounds great.
JESS: Sure does.
LORELAI: So, come on in.
[They walk inside. Jess goes into the living as Luke and Lorelai keep talking in the hallway.]
LUKE: Sorry we're a little late. We had a little misunderstanding about what time we're actually supposed to leave to come here.
LORELAI: It's okay. How's it going?
LUKE: Oh, well, not bad. Oh, the bed popped.
LORELAI: Yikes. Was anyone in it?
LUKE: Me.
LORELAI: You?
LUKE: Yeah, I let him take the real one.
LORELAI: Well, that was very nice of you. Hey Jess. Wanna come on in the kitchen?
CUT TO KITCHEN
LORELAI: Sookie, Jackson, I want you to meet Luke's nephew. This is Jess.
SOOKIE: Do you eat cheese?
JESS: What?
JACKSON: Oh my God, this is the greatest lemon I have ever grown. I mean, this is a great lemon. Sookie, you gotta try this lemon. Isn't it a great lemon?
SOOKIE: That is a great lemon.
JACKSON: Try it, it's a Meyer.
LORELAI: Jackson grows fruit and then scares people with it. Rory, they're here.
RORY: Coming. [sees Jess] Hey.
JESS: Hey. [walks into Rory's room]
RORY: I'm Rory.
JESS: Yeah, I figured.
RORY: Nice to meet you.
JESS: [looking at bookshelf] Wow, aren't we hooked on phonics.
RORY: Oh, I read a lot. Do you read?
JESS: Not much. [takes a book off the shelf]
RORY: I could loan you that if you want. It's great.
JESS: No thanks. [puts it down]
RORY: Well, if you change your mind
LORELAI: [from the doorway] Okay, we really need to get Jackson away from the lemons now, so we're moving the feast in the living room. [walks away]
RORY: Be right there.
JESS: So do these open? [looking at windows]
RORY: Oh yeah, you just have to unlatch them and then push.
JESS: Great. Shall we?
RORY: Shall we what?
JESS: Bail.
RORY: No.
JESS: Why?
RORY: Because it's Tuesday night in Stars Hollow. There's nowhere to bail to. The 24-hour mini-mart just closed twenty minutes ago.
JESS: So we'll walk around or sit on a bench and stare at our shoes.
RORY: Look, Sookie just made a ton of really great food, and I'm starving and though it may not seem like it right at this moment, it's gonna be fun. Trust me.
JESS: I don't even know you.
RORY: Well, don't I look trustworthy?
JESS: Maybe.
RORY: Okay, good. Let's eat. [walks into kitchen] You want a soda?
JESS: Oh, I'll get it.
RORY: Okay.
[Rory gets a soda and walks into the living room. Jess walks to the fridge, takes out a beer, and goes out the back door.]
CUT TO LIVING ROOM
[A table is set up in the living room. Everyone stands around it loading up their plates.]
SOOKIE: You know ham was originally made out of rice?
JACKSON: What?
SOOKIE: Mm hmm.
LORELAI: Sookie
LUKE: Hey Rory, where's Jess?
RORY: He's getting a soda.
LORELAI: Here. [hands Luke a plate]
LUKE: I'm sorry, you must've mistaken me for you.
LORELAI: Ooh, too much?
SOOKIE: Oh, I forgot the garlic bread.
LORELAI: I'll get it.
CUT TO KITCHEN
[Lorelai walks in, takes the bread out of the oven, then looks around for Jess. She walks out the back door.]
CUT TO BACK PORCH
[Lorelai walks out and finds Jess opening the beer.]
LORELAI: Oh, for me, hey, thanks. [takes a sip] Refreshing. So what, you're not hungry?
JESS: Not really.
LORELAI: Well, Sookie made you some grilled cheese if you don't like pot roast.
JESS: Oh, well, if I'd had known that
LORELAI: Let me guess, you don't want to be here?
JESS: Doesn't matter.
LORELAI: I mean, here in Stars Hollow.
JESS: Well geez, Ms. Gilmore, why would anyone not want to be here in Stars Hollow? That just sounds plum crazy.
LORELAI: Ugh, Jess, let me give you a little advice. The whole 'my parents don't get me' thing, I've been there.
JESS: You have, huh?
LORELAI: Yes, I have. I've also done the 'chip on my shoulder' bit. Ooh, and the surly, sarcastic, 'the world can bite my ass' bit, and let me tell you, I mastered them all, in heels, yet. And everything you're feeling might be totally justified, maybe you are getting screwed. But Luke is a great guy. He's very special, and he really wants to take care of you and make things right for you. You're incredibly lucky to have him. If you give this situation half a chance, you might be surprised at how good it can be, how much you like living here, and how comfortable it feels to have someone like Luke you can really depend on.
JESS: What are you sleeping with him or something?
LORELAI: Excuse me?
JESS: I don't know. The whole starry eyed 'you're so much better off, just give it a chance' speech. You're either really naïve, or you're getting some.
LORELAI: Ugh. There have been very few moments in my life where I have actually wished I had one of those enormous cream pies you can just smash in someone's face, but this is definitely one of them.
JESS: Well, now, that's not very neighborly.
LORELAI: Hey, you know what, this is my house, and I choose how I get talked to in it, ha ha.
JESS: You know, you don't know anything about me, or my life, or my mom, or Luke, so why don't you Doctor Laura someone else.
LORELAI: I'm going inside, stay out of my fridge.
CUT TO KITCHEN
[Lorelai walks in from the back door and starts putting the garlic bread in a basket. Luke walks in.]
LUKE: Where's Jess?
LORELAI: Outside working on his "Breakfast Club" audition. He's getting good.
LUKE: What?
LORELAI: Luke, I'm sorry. That kid is way more screwed up than you think he is.
LUKE: What are you talking about?
LORELAI: I catch him outside with a beer, I don't even bust him on it, I just I try talking to him
LUKE: What do you mean, talk to him? What did you say?
LORELAI: I said he's got a good thing going here with you and he shouldn't blow it, and then, well then he just got charming.
LUKE: What are you doing talking to him about stuff like that?
LORELAI: I'm trying to help you.
LUKE: I don't need your help.
LORELAI: Uh, yeah you do.
LUKE: Oh, here we go again with this 'I'm not prepared for this' crap.
LORELAI: This is not crap, this is the truth. Luke, you should've heard him talking.
LUKE: I don't need to hear him talking, he's my nephew and I know what I'm doing. And I'm getting a little tired of your condescending
LORELAI: I am not being condescending.
LUKE: Oh, you have a kid, so you know everything, right?
LORELAI: I have a kid, so yeah, I know a little more than you do.
LUKE: You know, you ever think maybe you just got lucky with Rory? I mean, you did get pregnant at sixteen. That doesn't show the greatest decision making skills, now does it?
LORELAI: Wow, two pies.
LUKE: What the hell you talking about?
LORELAI: Nothing. I'm talking about nothing. And you won't have to hear my opinion on anything ever again, okay?
LUKE: Oh, don't tease.
LORELAI: Go find Jess. [walks away]
LUKE: Don't tell me what to do. [goes out the back door]
CUT TO OUTSIDE LUKE'S DINER
[Rory are Lorelai are standing in front of the diner.]
RORY: You're being completely childish.
LORELAI: Am not.
RORY: So what, we're never gonna go into Luke's again? We're just gonna starve?
LORELAI: Rory, this was a bad one, okay? This was not Nick and Nora, this was Sid and Nancy, and I'm not going in there.
RORY: But the coffee is in there. And it's Danish Day. Are you seriously telling me that you're gonna let a stupid fight get in the way of Danish Day?
LORELAI: No, I'm not.
RORY: Good.
LORELAI: So go in there and order two coffees and two Danishes to go.
RORY: You're kidding, right?
LORELAI: And don't forget the napkins.
RORY: Mom, he's gonna know what's going on. He's not stupid.
LORELAI: He cannot prove that you're not ordering all that for yourself, can he? No, so go on. Scoot, scoot. Mommy's right here.
CUT TO INSIDE LUKE'S
[Rory walks up to Luke at the counter.]
RORY: Hey Luke.
LUKE: Rory.
RORY: Um, I'll have two coffees and two cherry Danishes to go, please.
LUKE: Two coffees and two cherry Danishes.
RORY: Oh, and some napkins.
LUKE: One of these is for her isn't it?
RORY: Who? Oh, no no no. They're all for me. I am super hungry today. I was debating ordering three, but I'll tell you how I feel after two.
LUKE: Tell you what, I'll give you one Danish and one cup of coffee, you can sit over there and eat, and when you're finished them right over there where I can see you, then I'll bring you a second one.
RORY: You're really just gonna stand there and watch me eat a Danish?
LUKE: Cable's out. I'm starved for entertainment.
RORY: Okay, this is insane. So you guys had a fight, big deal. You know you're gonna make up anyway, and what better day to make up than Danish Day, the happiest of all days. The day when we all say, 'hey, let's forgive and forget over a nice Danish and a cup coffee.'
LUKE: One Danish, one cup of coffee, take it or leave it.
RORY: I'll take it. I still think you're being silly.
[Luke hands her a cup of coffee and a paper bag.]
LUKE: Thank you for sharing. Come back soon.
CUT TO FRONT OF DINER
[Rory walks out carrying the bag and the coffee and walks over to Lorelai.]
LORELAI: Well?
RORY: He would only sell me one.
LORELAI: Ugh! Didn't you say they were both for you?
RORY: Yes I did, and he knew that I was lying.
LORELAI: Did you do the blinky thing? You always do the blinky thing when you're lying.
RORY: I didn't have to do the blinky thing. He knows you well enough to know that you're not gonna go a whole day with no coffee and especially no Danish.
LORELAI: Ugh!
RORY: Why don't you go in there now and just make up?
LORELAI: Why don't you give me half your Danish and some coffee?
RORY: I'll give you the Danish but I'm keeping the coffee.
LORELAI: What is a Danish without coffee?
RORY: The eternal question springs up again.
LORELAI: There's no point in even eating a Danish without coffee.
RORY: I'm going to school.
LORELAI: Sad Danish, lonely Danish, step Danish.
RORY: I'll see you tonight. [walks away]
LORELAI: But [sees a little boy crossing the street] Hey, kid, do me a favor? Come here.
[Luke watches through the window as Lorelai tries to get the kid to buy her coffee.]
LORELAI: Please, please
[the kid runs away, Lorelai looks at the diner and pouts. The phone rings in the diner; Luke answers]
LUKE: Luke's what is it Taylor? Slow down, you're babbling. Well, how do you know it was Jess? . . . Okay, Taylor, I'll talk to him, but if he tells me he didn't do it and nobody saw him do it, then he is off the hook, understand? [hangs up]
CUT TO CHILTON
[Rory walks down the hallway and stops in front of a door. She pauses a second before walking inside. Inside the classroom, Max is sitting at a desk.]
RORY: Hi.
MAX: Rory, hi.
RORY: Am I too early? 'Cause I can
MAX: No, no.
RORY: come back some other time.
MAX: This is fine.
RORY: Tomorrow maybe.
MAX: Now is good.
RORY: This is weird.
MAX: Yeah, it is.
RORY: I don't really know how to act.
MAX: I'm not completely sure of that myself. We could sit.
RORY: Sit, sure, that's good. Barbara Walters sits, or walks sometimes if the person she's talking to has a horse or a ranch or a big backyard sometimes, but usually she just sits. Okay, so I guess we should just start. [she sits across from him]
MAX: Good idea.
RORY: Do you mind if I tape this?
MAX: Oh, no, not at all.
RORY: Okay. [turns on tape recorder] So I guess I'll just dive in. Full name?
MAX: Max Arturo Medina.
RORY: You're kidding.
MAX: No, I'm not.
RORY: Where does that come from?
MAX: My father's butcher was named Arturo.
RORY: Really?
MAX: And when my mother was pregnant with me, she went through this phase where all she would eat was lamb chops. So Arturo would cut her the extra large lamb chops and only charge her for the regular sized lamb chops, which in my family made you eligible for sainthood.
RORY: Hence the Arturo.
MAX: That's right.
RORY: Well, I assume that you are aware that you were overwhelmingly voted the student's favorite teacher last year.
MAX: I teach an exceptional bunch of young people. I'm glad they seem to like me as much as I like them.
RORY: Have you ever thought of doing something other than teaching?
MAX: Well, my father wanted me to be a doctor, and my mother wanted me to be President, and I wanted to be. . . a clown.
RORY: What?
MAX: When I was a kid, I went to the circus and I saw this man who was dressed in this crazy outfit, and he could juggle and he rode on an elephant and the people loved him and I thought, 'Well, that's it. That's for me.'
RORY: How long did that last?
MAX: Junior high. And then slowly I figured out that I wanted to teach. Plus, when you told people that you wanted to be a clown they tended to get very frightened.
RORY: Mom took me to the circus once, when I was really little and, um, this clown knocked into me and I dropped my cotton candy, and we didn't have a lot of money back then so she couldn't buy me another one, and I started crying. So she literally chased the clown on stage, ripped off his wig and said she wouldn't give it back to him unless he bought me another cotton candy.
MAX: Which I bet he did.
RORY: It was twice as big as the first one and I threw up all the way home.
MAX: Yeah, that sounds like your mom.
RORY: Do you ever regret the fact that you didn't become a clown?
MAX: I don't really believe in regrets. All my experiences, even the ones that didn't turn out the way I wanted them to, I firmly believe they were all worth it.
[Rory turns off the tape recorder]
RORY: I just want you to know, I really wanted you to be my stepfather.
MAX: I just want you to know, I really wanted to be your stepfather.
[They're silent for a few seconds, then Rory turns back on tape recorder.]
RORY: So, what would you say are the great challenges facing high school graduates today?
MAX: Well, a myriad of things really
CUT TO OUTSIDE STARS HOLLOW HIGH
[Luke is waiting out front as Jess walks out.]
LUKE: Hey. How was school?
JESS: Great.
LUKE: You learn anything good?
JESS: Oh yeah, tons of things. I've got gold stars plastered all over my forehead.
LUKE: I had an interesting call today. Wanna know who it was from?
JESS: Not really.
LUKE: It was from Taylor Doose, you know he owns the market.
JESS: If you say so.
LUKE: He said you came in today.
JESS: He did?
LUKE: And he said you took some money out of a little donation cup to help repair the bridge. I told him he was crazy, you wouldn't do that, you weren't a thief, that he was just trying to start trouble, then I hung up on him. But don't get me wrong, I enjoy hanging up on Taylor, and he is crazy, but I was just wondering if maybe any of the other things he said were true.
JESS: What do you think?
LUKE: I think that if you tell me that what he's saying is not true, then I'm gonna believe it's not true.
JESS: Okay, it's not true.
LUKE: That doesn't sound very convincing.
JESS: Look, what exactly do you want from me? You bring me here to this place, you put me in a school that says the Pledge of Allegiance in six different languages, two of which I've never heard of before. You take me away from my home, my friends, and now you want what from me?
LUKE: I'm trying to help you.
JESS: Well, stop trying. Stop talking to me, stop following me, and stop asking me questions. Just stop.
LUKE: That's what you want?
JESS: Yes.
LUKE: That's really what you want?
JESS: Yes.
LUKE: Fine, you got it.
JESS: Thank you.
LUKE: You're welcome.
[As they both walk away over a bridge, Luke pushes Jess into the lake.]
CUT TO LORELAI'S KITCHEN
[Rory's sitting at the kitchen table doing homework as Lorelai comes home.]
LORELAI: Rory?
RORY: Kitchen.
[Lorelai walks into the kitchen and takes a bag of coffee from the fridge]
LORELAI: Nowhere in either Stars Hollow or it's surrounding counties can you get a decent cup of coffee. I swear, it's like a big stupid coffee conspiracy.
RORY: Why don't you just pour the water right into the bag?
LORELAI: Oh, you jest, but believe me, the thought has crossed my mind. It's looking better and better all the time. Where are you going? I'm not through complaining.
RORY: I just have to get some more notes I need.
LORELAI: Hmm. What's this?
RORY: What?
LORELAI: This that you're working on?
RORY: Oh, that's my interview with Max.
LORELAI: What interview with Max?
RORY: The paper wanted to do a piece on the student's favorite teacher from the previous year and Paris assigned it to me when she caught wind of the fact that. . .
LORELAI: Wow, nice kid that Paris.
RORY: Yeah. It wasn't that bad though.
LORELAI: No?
RORY: No. It was actually good. It gave us a chance to talk about some things.
LORELAI: Well good.
RORY: Yeah, it was good. Well, I'm gonna buy a folder for it before the store closes.
LORELAI: Okay. Some good writing here, missy.
RORY: Yeah?
LORELAI: Really good.
RORY: It's not quite up to the re-paving piece yet but I'll get it there.
LORELAI: Hmm. Boy, he sounds like a hell of a guy, doesn't he?
RORY: Yeah, he does. [leaves]
LORELAI: I sure know how to dump 'em, don't I?
[there's a knock at the back door; Lorelai opens it, Luke walks in.]
LORELAI: Hey.
LUKE: I just pushed him in a lake.
LORELAI: What?
LUKE: Jess. I got this call from Taylor that he thinks Jess stole the bridge money and I went to confront him and he was being impossible and I just pushed him in a lake. This is bad.
LORELAI: That depends, can he swim?
LUKE: He's fine. He's wet. I just, I lost it, you know. You were right. I am in so far over my head that I can't see my own hat.
LORELAI: Try turning it around
LUKE: What was I thinking? Why did I say yes to this?
LORELAI: Because you saw a kid in desperate need of some help and you thought you would throw him a line.
LUKE: But me, raising a kid? I don't even like kids. They're always sticky, you know, like they've got jam on their hands. Even if there's no jam in the house, somehow they've always got jam on their hands. I'm not the right guy to deal with that. I have no patience for jam hands.
LORELAI: Luke, slow down. First of all, Jess is seventeen, so I think he's probably past the jam hands stage by now. And second of all, you can do this. If you want to, you are totally capable. But you can't just buy a bed and some sheets and expect the rest to take care of itself. That will not work.
LUKE: I swear, I'm gonna kill Liz.
LORELAI: Hey, Liz is not the point anymore. Liz is not here, Jess is here. Focus on him. What are you gonna do about him?
[Babette walks in the back door.]
BABETTE: Lorelai, sugah? I hate to bother you, but have you seen Pierpont?
LORELAI: Um no. Why?
BABETTE: It's the darndest thing. I came out just now and I noticed that he was gone. Just like that.
LUKE: I'm sorry, who's missing?
BABETTE: Pierpont, gorgeous.
LORELAI: Her gnome.
LUKE: Her gnome?
BABETTE: The one with the pipe.
LUKE: Oh.
BABETTE: Oh God, I hope nothing's happened to him. You get so attached to their little faces, sometimes you can hear them talk to you at night.
LUKE: You know, I wouldn't worry Babette. I think you're gonna see Pierpont again really soon. [walks to the front door]
LORELAI: Oh, where you going?
LUKE: I have to take care of something. I'll see you tomorrow at the diner for your Danish, right?
LORELAI: Tomorrow isn't Danish Day.
LUKE: Just be there.
LORELAI: Yes, sir.
CUT TO LUKE'S APARTMENT
[Jess is on his bed smoking; Luke walks in with a bag and starts dropping things on his bed.]
LUKE: Okay, we got the patch, the gum, hypnosis tapes, Chinese herbs, self-help books, and several pictures of diseased lungs to hang on the fridge. Pretty, huh? This is done. [puts out his cigarette]
JESS: Hey!
LUKE: You will get up, you will go to school, you will come home, you will work in the diner until closing, you will do your homework and then you will go to bed. Where's the gnome?
JESS: The what?
LUKE: The weekends are for chores and selected pre-approved outings, i.e. cavalla studies, freeway beautification projects, Color Me Mine pottery painting, all discussible options. You will not steal, you will pay back Taylor Doose, you will graduate for high school, and you will return Pierpont to his yard.
JESS: You can't just
LUKE: I can just. I am not letting you just fall off the face of the earth. You will not drift, I won't let it happen. Now I don't know if this is the right way to handle this, but this is the way it's being handled, and that my friend, is the end of this discussion. [Jess gets up and walks away] Where are you going?
JESS: Out. [leaves]
LUKE: Well, at least I asked.
CUT TO OUTSIDE
[Jess is walking down the street and sees Rory come out of a store. He walks over to her.]
JESS: Hey.
RORY: Hey yourself.
JESS: What are you doing out here?
RORY: I needed something for school. What about you?
JESS: Oh yeah, same thing.
RORY: Uh huh. So, that was quite a disappearing act you pulled the other night.
JESS: Potlucks and Tupperware parties aren't really my thing.
RORY: Too cool for school, huh?
JESS: Yes, that is me.
RORY: What are you doing?
JESS: Oh this? Nothing. [does an illusion with a coin] Just another little disappearing act.
RORY: Little tip?
JESS: Yeah?
RORY: If you ever want to speak to me again, don't pull that out of my ear.
JESS: So I assume the nose is off limits too?
RORY: Any place you wouldn't naturally find a coin, let's leave it that way.
JESS: So what are you doing now?
RORY: I have some homework to finish.
JESS: Okay, then I'll leave you this last little trick. [hands her a book]
RORY: You bought a copy? I told you I'd lend you mine.
JESS: It is yours.
RORY: You stole my book.
JESS: Nope, borrowed it.
RORY: Okay, that's not called a trick, that's called a felony.
JESS: I just wanted to put some notes in the margins for you.
RORY: What? [looks through the book] You've read this before.
JESS: About forty times.
RORY: I thought you said you didn't read much.
JESS: Well, what is much? Goodnight Rory.
RORY: Goodnight Dodger.
JESS: Dodger?
RORY: Figure it out.
JESS: Oliver Twist.
[Rory smiles and nods. They both walk away.] | Plan: A: Luke; Q: Who confronts Jess about stealing money from the bridge fund container? A: Liz; Q: Who is Luke's sister? A: 17 year old; Q: How old is Jess? A: Jess; Q: Who does Luke go to find after he finds out about Lorelai's meddling? A: trouble; Q: What is Liz afraid Jess is headed for? A: a bus; Q: How did Liz get Jess to Stars Hollow? A: Stars Hollow; Q: Where does Liz send Jess to live with Luke? A: Lorelai; Q: Who finds Jess sneaking out of the house and giving him a lecture? A: a dinner party; Q: What does Lorelai host for Jess? A: Rory; Q: Who is the only person who is not angry with Jess? A: a beer; Q: What does Jess take from the fridge to sneak out to the back porch? A: her little speech; Q: What does Jess tell Lorelai she can do with? A: the next day; Q: When did Taylor accuse Jess of stealing money from the bridge fund container? A: his response; Q: What did Luke become frustrated with when confronting Jess about stealing money? A: the lake; Q: Where does Luke shove Jess into? A: Lorelai's help; Q: What does Luke need to fix his relationship with Jess? A: Babette; Q: Whose gnome is missing? A: the diner; Q: Where does Luke go to confront Jess about stealing Babette's gnome? A: the law; Q: What does Luke lay down to Jess? A: Paris; Q: Who tries to make Rory miserable? A: Rory's life; Q: What is Paris trying to ruin? A: The Franklin; Q: What newspaper does Paris try to ruin Rory's participation in? A: the wrong time; Q: What did Paris give Rory for the staff meeting? A: a story; Q: What does Paris assign Rory to write about the paving of the new faculty parking lot? A: the faculty advisor; Q: Who singles out Rory's article for praise? A: the hall; Q: Where do Rory and Max avoid each other? A: the challenge; Q: What does Rory accept when Paris assigns her to interview Max? A: a few painful moments; Q: How long does it take for Rory and Max to express their regrets about not being able to be stepfather and stepdaughter? Summary: Luke's sister Liz, afraid that her 17 year old son Jess is headed for trouble, puts him on a bus to Stars Hollow to live with Luke. Lorelai finds out and offers Luke some guidance on the care and feeding of a teenager, but is rebuffed. Undaunted, she hosts a dinner party for Jess, who is sullen and angry with everyone except Rory. At the first opportunity, he takes a beer from the fridge and sneaks out to the back porch. Lorelai finds him and gives him a lecture on how good he has it with Luke. Jess tells her what she can do with her little speech and then leaves. When Luke finds out about Lorelai's meddling, they quarrel and he goes to find Jess. Taylor calls Luke the next day to accuse Jess of stealing money from the bridge fund container at the market. Luke confronts Jess about this accusation, and becomes so frustrated at his response that he shoves him into the lake. Realizing that he needs Lorelai's help, he goes to her house to patch things up, only to find that one of Babette's gnomes is missing. He goes back to the diner, lays down the law to Jess and retrieves Babette's gnome. Paris is intent on making Rory's life miserable, so she sabotages her participation on "The Franklin" by giving Rory the wrong time for the staff meeting, and then assigning her to a story on the paving of the new faculty parking lot. Her plan is frustrated when the faculty advisor singles out Rory's article for praise. Undeterred, Paris assigns Rory the job of interviewing Max after she sees Rory and Max painfully avoid each other in the hall. Rory accepts the challenge, and after a few painful moments, Max and Rory express their regrets to each other about not being able to be stepfather and stepdaughter. |
Julian: Okay, Randy's passed out hard boys. Wait now. Alright, he's down. He's out boys. I knew they'd f*ck up. Alright, let's move. Be quiet.
Bubbles: Get down, dickweed.
Ricky: Get the f*ck out of the way.
Julian: Rick, Rick, Rick.
Bubbles: Julian?
Bubbles: Put the stick in and twist it. Use the propeller technique.
Ricky: Got him. We f*cking got you now, don't we Lahey and Randy. You f*cking tunas. Bubbles; Torque the fucker.
Mr. Lahey: You idiots are messing with an officer of the law.
Ricky: More like an officer of the drunk.
Mr. Lahey: f*ck off, Ricky.
Ricky: Looks good on you, fuckers.
Julian: Guess you should have been sleeping in shifts, eh Jim. There's something you forgot about. The liquor works for both sides buddy.
Mr. Lahey: You might be sexy Julian, but you can't teach me anything about liquor.
Julian: Cheers Jimmy.
Randy: Mr. Lahey.
Mr. Lahey: Randy.
[music]
Bubbles: Hey, Julian.
Ricky, bring her in. Park her right here. Julian, I think I'm going to go maybe grab the Swayzie Express.
Julian: Alright man. Hey Jacob. Good job, man.
Jacob: Oh thanks Julian.
Julian: As soon as I get back, I'm going to throw a huge barbeque party. Make sure you invite your boys, okay?
Jacob: Julian, me and the boys have been talking and this whole thing's been really cool you know, we had your back in the woods, setting up the track and stuff and Julian: So what are you trying to say?
Jacob: Me and the boys want to come with you guys. You know, we want to be there to finish this thing. Friends?
Julian: Jacob, to be honest with ya, I felt pretty bad seeing you walking around with that I.V. okay so no, it's not going to happen. It's way too dangerous man.
Ricky: You know what Julian, you're getting too attached. I know what it's f*cking like when guys start f*cking dressing like you and hanging out and think you're cool. Believe me, I know exactly what it is like. But those guys out there are idiots. They're f*cking jail cover and that's it.
Julian: Rick, they're good kids alright. They're students.
Ricky: Julian, don't get soft on me here. We're almost near the end. Those guys are f*cking jail cover, that's it. You want to go to jail here? Cause you better make a f*cking decision. You gonna take that tape or not. Cause I'm not going to jail. Those three idiots out there are. Alright you alien skinny giraffe chickens. I got some good news. You three f*cking dummies are coming with us. Get in there, pack these box cars full of weed just like this okay?
Jacob: Okay.
Ricky: Jacob, you're in control Don't let them f*ck up.
Jacob: Okay boys, this is it. Let's f*cking move it.
Bubbles: Boys, I got the Swayzie Express.
Julian: Good, load it into the car. We gotta hook up with Sebastian in six hours.
Mr. Lahey: The whole world's searching for that train, you idiots. You won't even make it to shitville. You're going down Ricky. Randy?
Ricky: Knock knock. Who's there?
Mr. Lahey: Randy?
Ricky: I'll tell you who's f*cking there. A drunk washed up police officer who arrested Lucy. Put pepper all over her when she's pregnant, which is f*cked. And now he's got nothing better to do than to scam reward money from some stupid Dirty Dancing f*cking train. All to win the love of a half naked Chia Pet gut who likes to steal other people's girlfriends and knock them up, isn't that right, Randy? You're both dumb as f*ck. You're drunk again Jim, big time. And you both f*cking lose and it feels great.
Randy: Doesn't feel that bad Ricky.
Mr. Lahey: Randy.
Ricky: Want some more. Want some more Randy.
Mr. Lahey: Knock knock Randy.
Ricky: Who's there Randy? Who's f*cking there? Water? I can keep going all day there here guys. Actually we can't cause I gotta go make a f*cking drug deal and become rich.
Mr. Lahey: Who's there bouncing the ball?
Phil Collins: It's me. Philadelphia Collins.
Mr. Lahey: Phil, get the f*ck over here.
Phil Collins: Jimmy, have you seen my boy? He's missing again.
Mr. Lahey: Yeah, he left with Julian, Bubbles, and Ricky.
Phil Collins: Oh, sweet Jesus. The drug dealers got him again. The god-damned drug dealers. Jimmy, go find my boy. Bring him back. My boys are all I got.
Mr. Lahey: Don't worry Phil. Jacob's as important to me as he is to you. Come on Randy man. We got stops to make and then we're going to hit the road.
Mr. Lahey: Suspect's are driving a 1975 Chrysler New Yorker, faded black and green. Front passenger door missing. Shouldn't be difficult to spot. This is an A.P.B. All Points Bulletin for all units. Please locate vehicle and await further instructions. Over.
Ricky: Toke Jacob.
Jacob: Thanks buddy.
Julian: Ricky, boys. Jacob, put the f*cking joint out. Empty the drinks into the carpet.
Ricky: Oh f*ck.
Mr. Lahey: Excuse me.
Police Radio: Three double niner, come in, over.
Mr. Lahey: This is three double niner. Come in, come in.
Police Radio: Suspect's spotted heading north on highway 102. Awaiting further instruction. Over.
Mr. Lahey: Three double niner, we're on our way. Keep them in sight. Over and out.
Police Radio: Copy that.
Ricky: We're just on our way to a wedding. I'm Cory, we've got Trevor right here.
Police Officer: Yeah Cory, who, which one of you is Jacob Collins? You? Alright, step out of the vehicle. Let's go now.
Ricky: f*ck Jacob.
Police Officer: Alright, come around here. Keep your hands up.
Ricky: Didn't we used to play hockey together?
Police Officer: Yeah, didn't we used to play shut the f*ck up, hands in the air. Keep them up there. Give me that.
Jacob: [whispering] It's just pop.
Police Officer: Yeah right. Let's go.
Ricky: Look, he's not with us. If he had drugs or alcohol on him. Don't even know him.
Police Officer: Right.
Bubbles: Boys, what in the f*ck is going on?
Julian: Just stay calm. It's probably just Phil Collins looking for Jacob.
Police Officer: Jim, are you sure you don't want me to take in the rest of these guys? It's towing an illegal trailer, the vehicle has no license plate. Most of these guys have alcohol and I can smell marijuana. Permission to search. Over.
Mr. Lahey: Just Jacob Collins. Let the vehicle proceed. Do not tip them off. I repeat, do not tip them off. This is a top secret, undercover operation. Over and out.
Bubbles: Julian, that is clearly an alcoholic beverage. Put it down.
Julian: Bubbles, I said, I'm cool.
Bubbles: Put it down please. Julian, I'm freaking out. I'm freaking out.
Julian: He's pulling away.
Jacob: What's going on boys? I'm scared. I'm scared Julian.
Ricky: Thanks officer. Didn't know who he was. What the f*ck is going on with Jacob. f*cking walrus fuckhead Phil Collins.
Bubbles: [in Conky's voice] Hello Richard.
Ricky: What the f*ck, Julian! Is that who I think it is?
Julian: Yup.
Ricky: What do we do here?
Julian: I don't know. Bubbles?
Bubbles: Yes Julian.
Julian: Are you okay?
Bubbles: I'm perfectly fine, Julian. [laughing] I'm very excited about getting this train fired up boys. We are very excited.
Ricky: Give me a hand Julian. Alright you dummies, it's time for lunch. Bubbles, are you okay? You and uh, Conky? Can I get you something? Chips and bar? Pop?
Julian: Conky's being awfully quiet Bubbs.
Bubbles: Conky, excuse me for one second. Julian, he's still pretty upset about what happened. He doesn't have much to say, but I think he learned his lesson. He's not going to taunt anybody.
Julian: There he is.
Sebastian: I'm meeting him right now. You're totally right. I love you. Come on. Okay, okay, I love you babe. Thanks. Alright bye. Geez. Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys. I got a little bad news. I wasn't able to come up with all the cash quite in time. No, no, no, no. My wife found out and f*cking freaked. I got in some much f*cking sh1t.
Ricky: Man, I've been selling drugs since grade seven. At this point in our lives, wives don't cancel my f*cking drug deals, alright.
Sebastian: No, no, no, no, no. I figured out a way around it. Cigarettes.
[Conky mummbles]
Bubbles: Quiet.
Sebastian: Relax, think about it man.
I got about two hundred and fifty grand US in smokes that I got from another deal. Straight trade. Smokes for dope. Think about it. You sell the smokes in Canada, you're money ends up being laundered, you end up making way more money. Cigarettes are better than cash.
Ricky: You rock stars are all the f*cking same. Dumb. I mean I see you on stage, I'm thinking, hey f*ck, he looks pretty cool. Leather pants f*cking strings in the crotch, but you're not. You're f*cking dumb. Cigarettes for f*cking dope, trade? No, f*ck.
Julian: Whoa, whoa. Listen Rick. This might even be better man. This is making sense to me. Are the cigarettes ready to go?
Sebastian: I got a truck waiting right now. Okay, this is perfect man. It's great for both of us. You send me the dope, I send you the smokes. It's f*cking bang, fucke-ooo.
Ricky: Yeah? Well what if we're in the woods and the train doesn't f*cking show up with any cigarettes and you f*ck us over.
Sebastian: Dude, do you think I'm making up some big story if I'm about to rip you off. I guarantee you I will not f*ck you around.
Julian: What about the god-damned forest fire?
Sebastian: No, it's cool. It's still a ways away. But listen, this needs to go down today. What's it going to be.
Bubbles: [Conky voice] Your hair is gorgeous and beautiful.
Sebastian: What in the f*ck is that!
Ricky: It's nothing.
Sebastian: Dude, what is that?
Ricky: It's cool man.
Sebastian: Isn't that my buddy? The guy with the glasses.
Ricky: Yeah, it's a long f*cking story.
Sebastian: Dude, is there something wrong with my hair.
Ricky: No man, you're hair is f*cking awesome.
Sebastian: Seriously?
Ricky: Julian.
Julian: Listen, we had a bit of a situation with our friend, he's all f*cked up on drugs and alcohol. You know how it goes man. Alright, the train's going to be there in about two hours. I want you to be ready for it and no more f*ck ups okay?
Sebastian: Dude, it is on.
Julian: Alright! Yes.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Bubbles: Why did you have to say that to him?
Bubbles: [Conky voice] He deserved it.
Randy: You are f*cked. Do you know how f*cked you are? You are really f*cked.
Mr. Lahey: Randy!
Randy: You are in trouble.
Jim Lahey: Thanks a lot for your help. Can't explain this, undercover.
Police Officer: Oh, okay Jim.
Mr. Lahey: Jacob, friendship. Is that what you think it is with these guys. You know what you are? Jail cover. That means you go to jail and they don't. Talk to me boy.
Jacob: I'm not ratting on my friends, no way.
Mr. Lahey: Randy, take off Jacob's cuffs and put him in the back. He'll talk. Jacob, all we want is the Swayzie Express. We know Bubbles stole it and we know you know about it. You help us and I'll make sure that the courts go easy on your old man. He's been buying stolen meat Jacob. Stolen meat.
[Conky clears his throat]
Bubbles: We did all the calculations here and everything here Rick but Conky'd like to run one more test you know, a balance check, make sure the loads don't shift.
Julian: Bubbles, do you really need Conky for this?
Bubbles; Julian, I know what you're thinking alright, but forget that. It's not going to be like that this time. Conky's not going to f*ck with you guys. Alright boys, it all comes down to this remote now. I hope this fucker's wired right. Let's do it. Yes, yes!
Ricky: f*ck yeah, Bubbles! This is going to work.
Bubbles: Just wait now. Other direction.
Julian: Good job buddy. It was perfect Bubbs.
Bubbles: Well, it wasn't all me Julian. Conky helped too. Guess what else he did?
Bubbles: [Conky voice] I got us some steaks, corn on the cob, jumbo shrimp, Caesar salad. Why don't we all just go down to the river, and you guys get a fire going and we'll have a great time.
Ricky: Awesome, thanks Conky. f*ck Conky's being cool man. Plus all that food.
Julian: Rick, Conky didn't buy us the food. Bubbles bought us the food. Don't get wrapped up in all this Conky bullshit.
Ricky: I know, I'm good.
Julian: Set up camp down at the river.
Jacob: Ow! Why do I have to wear a wire?
Mr. Lahey: Jacob, it's for your own safety bud. Listen, don't trust these guys for a f*cking minute. Jacob, why did they need a model train this f*cking close to the border bud.
Jacob: I don't know.
Mr. Lahey: Are they using the train to smuggle dope across the border? Yes or no question.
Jacob: I, I have no idea.
Bubbles: Conky's got to use it boys.
[sound of an engine]
Ricky: What the f*ck is that?
Julian: Looks like two forest rangers.
Ricky: Can they f*cking do anything to us?
Julian: I don't think so man.
Put out a fire maybe.
Ricky: Julian, we got a lot of f*cking dope here man.
Julian: Ricky, you just gotta stay cool alright. We're camping.
Ricky: Alright. What the f*ck are they driving?
Julian: Just stay cool, alright. Let's handle it.
Bubbles: I was rocking a piss and I heard this some kind of motorized weird vehicle coming up the river there and two guys get out of it. Forest rangers I guess. And one of them looked just like G.I. Joe Tom Selleck.
Forest Ranger: What in the hell are you boys doing out here? Do you not see this smoke. In these parts boys, we call that a forest fire. Now pack up your stuff, you got to leave.
Ricky: We're not leaving. We're camping getting high and drunk. Right now I'm so f*cking baked, I ain't scared of fire. f*ck fire.
Julian: Smarten up Ricky.
Forest Ranger: Did you call him Ricky? Did you call him Ricky? Amanda, get the stuff out of the Argo. Funny thing is, we found garbage and a cooler with Ricky on it. Now you wouldn't know anything about that would you Ricky? Or maybe, maybe it's another Ricky, 250 miles from the middle of nowhere.
Ricky: Oh that company's f*cked. You know what. These two guys came through here, they were threatening us and doing all the crazy sh1t, dancing around the woods right over there. And they had that f*cking cooler with them. I guess the guy's name was Ricky, I don't know. But we..
Forest Ranger: Funny guy, funny guy. Look at this. This is not a campground where you can have a party and litter. This is a protected wild life sanctuary. There are more beavers living here than anywhere else naturally in the world. What's wrong with you guys? Look at this. You're under arrest. All of you. Amanda.
Ricky: Under arrest. He said you can't arrest us.
Forest Ranger: Get up. Get up.
Ricky: But this stuff here. Those same two guys.
Forest Ranger: You, down there. Amanda, take him. In the Argo, let's go.
Ricky: Well I'm taking this beer and this joint. Where are you guys take us?
Bubbles: [Conky voice] Excuse me. Mr. Selleck? Tom Selleck?
Forest Ranger: What did you call me?
Bubbles: [Conky voice] You sir are a US Forest Ranger. With a beautiful moustache I might add. But you're standing on Canadian soil. Which means you don't have any jurisdiction over us right now. That river right there forms the border for you and your precious American beavers.
Forest Ranger: They're not American beavers or Canadian beavers. They're beavers. Do I make myself clear?
Bubbles: [Conky voice] Give us a kissy.
Forest Ranger: As for you two, you stay out of the States or I will take you down so fast, it, it, it won't even be funny.
Ricky: But we're not in the States. See, this is Canada.
Forest Ranger: Get out of my way.
Ricky: Just like the puppet said. That's the US over there.
Forest Ranger: Get out of my way, or I will take you to the States. Out of the way.
Ricky: Well, appreciate you guys talking to us. If you need some good dope, we're right here.
Forest Ranger: Let's go Amanda.
[sound of bottles clinking together]
Bubbles: [Conky voice] I have to say Julian, pretty impressive little operation you pulled together here.
Jacob: Hey guys, what's up.
No don't shoot. It's me. It's Jacob.
Ricky: What the f*ck do you mean, what's up? What was with the cops man? Did they follow you here? How the f*ck did you get here?
Jacob: I, uh, hitchhiked. The cops, there's no cops. My Dad called them because he didn't want me hanging out with you guys, but I told him to f*ck off and that you're my friends. That's how I roll now.
Ricky: You're so full of sh1t!
Julian: Ricky, knock it off. Jacob, come here.
Mr. Lahey: He made it in bud.
Julian: Welcome back to the team, buddy.
Jacob: Thanks.
Julian: You okay?
Jacob: Yeah I'm fine.
Julian: Looks like you need a drink.
Jacob: Definitely.
Julian: You sure you're okay? There's nothing else you want to tell me here?
Jacob: Yeah, I'm fine. I just really need a drink, that's all.
Julian: Good, go mix yourself up a drink. Get ready to send the train out.
Jacob: Oh awesome.
Bubbles: Alright boys. You guys ready? You do the honours Conky.
Bubbles: [Conky voice] Three, two, one.
Julian: Hey Sebastian. The turkey just went in the oven, okay. Get ready to pick it up. The bits and pieces you ordered are on their way.
Ricky: The f*cking drugs are coming over the border right now. Be ready to send back the cigarettes okay? If there's any cops listening, go f*ck yourselves.
Julian: Bubbles. Could I have a word with Conky for a minute? I just want to speak to Conky.
Bubbles: Yeah, sure Julian.
Julian: Not with you, just with Conky in private. Just for a minute.
Ricky: Here Bubbs, have a beer.
Bubbles: Are you alright with that Conky?
Bubbles: [Conky's voice] Uh, yeah sure, I guess so.
Bubbles: Alright, I'll be right here. Just him.
Julian: So how you feeling Conky?
Bubbles: [Conky voice] Um, pretty good Julian. Like good. Why do you ask?
Julian: I'm just a little worried about Bubbles. I'm just hoping you could help me out here.
Bubbles: [Conky's voice] Well?
Julian: When Bubbles gets stressed out, he doesn't know how to deal with it sometimes. Okay? So, I just wanted you to know that we're his real friends and could you just tell him that we're there for him no matter what?
Bubbles: Really? Cause I thought he was Bubbles: [Conky's voice] I mean, I thought he was kind of on his own. Uh, that's good to know then Julian. I think we're done here.
[kissing noise]
Bubbles: [in Conky's voice] Sorry to interrupt Ricky, but Bubbles has to get some sleep now.
Bubbles: Conky, I'm not done talking to Ricky.
Bubbles: [Conky's voice] Bubbles. Bubbles, no.
Bubbles: [Conky's voice] Don't talk back to me.
Bubbles: But Bubbles: [Conky's voice] Bubbles listen, we're going to bed right now.
Bubbles: Alright. I'm going to get some sleep alright boys?
Julian: Have a good sleep buddy.
Bubbles: Alright.
Ricky: Did you deal with that Conky stuff?
Me and Bubbles just talked about hockey.
Julian: I don't know man. He kind of, there was, he kind of snapped there for you know, a second. I...
Ricky: It's pretty f*cking weird.
Julian: You're telling me.
Bubbles: [Conky's voice] Hello operator. Yes, I was wondering if you could dial a couple of numbers for me. I don't have the use of my arms. Yes, I'm looking for the Federal Bureau of Investigation, the DEA and the ATF. Oh yes, I'll hold. | Plan: A: the smuggling operation; Q: What do the boys begin? A: Jacob; Q: Who is allowed to rejoin the crew after begging Julian? A: Ricky; Q: Who is upset that Conky is back with the crew? A: a newly-reconstructed Conky; Q: What does Jacob bring with him to the smuggling operation? A: Conky; Q: Who is the doll that the boys are still wary of? A: their trust; Q: What does Conky try to gain from the boys? A: food; Q: What does Conky buy the boys for camping? A: country singer George Canyon; Q: Who played one of the US forest rangers? A: the operator; Q: Who does Conky call at the end of the episode? A: FBI; Q: What agency does Conky call to ask for help? Summary: The boys begin the smuggling operation. After begging Julian, Jacob is allowed to rejoin the crew, which, much to Ricky's chagrin, also includes a newly-reconstructed Conky. Although the boys are still wary of the doll, Conky makes an effort to regain their trust by buying them food for camping and saving them from being arrested by two US forest rangers (one of whom played by country singer George Canyon ). At the end of the episode, while everyone else is asleep (possibly even Bubbles), Conky is seen phoning the operator and asking for the FBI , DEA and ATF . |
[Scene: Building. Temp Agency. Paige and Carl are there. Carl is flipping through a rolodex.]
Carl: Uh, mail clerk at Dutton and Houser, greeter at Yarn Mart, pre-school assistant... how are you at diapers?
Paige: Maybe I'm not making myself clear.
Carl: No, well, let's see, how about this. Bagger at Grocery Plus, cashier at Lucy's Landscaping, computer programmer... I don't think so.
Paige: Listen, I was just curious. Why have all the temp jobs you've sent me out on been so unusual?
Carl: Unusual? What's unusual about a fruit packer?
Paige: Okay, well, maybe it's not the job, it's just kind of what happens you know, after I get there. Things just kind of go a little wonky. You wouldn't happen to know anything about that, would you?
Carl: No.
Paige: No. No, you wouldn't, okay. Well, maybe it's just a coincidence, although honestly, you know, I don't believe in coincidences. Okay, look, here's the thing. I'm not picky, I'll take anything as long as it's really, really normal.
Carl: Oh, you want normal? I've got the perfect thing for you.
(He pulls a card out of the rolodex.)
[Scene: Callaway House. Bathroom. Paige is holding a bedpan. She flushes the toilet and walks out into the hallway.]
Paige: This is not what I had in mind. (She pulls off her gloves. She looks over at Grandma Callaway who is sitting at a table near a window. She peeks at Paige's hand of cards.) Wasn't someone supposed to call a trump?
(Paige walks over to her.)
Grandma Callaway: Oh, yes, right, trump. (Paige sits down.) I was just waiting for you.
Paige: Oh, I see.
(Grandma Callaway laughs.)
Grandma Callaway: Still can't believe you would know how to play pinochle. Not a lot of young people do anymore, you know.
Paige: See, I used to play with my grandma all the time.
Grandma Callaway: Really? Lucky me.
Paige: No, actually lucky me.
Grandma Callaway: Babysitting a sick, old lady. How is that lucky for you? Well?
Paige: Well, I think it's time for your medicine.
(Paige stands up and an energy ball comes flying through the window, hitting Paige in the chest. It knocks her to the ground. She looks at her bleeding wound. Grandma Callaway's son, James, runs down the stairs.)
James: Mother? What? Are you okay?
Grandma Callaway: I'm okay. The sons of bitches missed me. Really, I'm okay.
(She looks at Paige.)
Paige: So much for normal.
Opening Credits
[Scene: Manor. Parlor. Piper and Phoebe are there. Piper is vacuuming while Phoebe is meditating and levitating up in the air.]
Phoebe: Piper, do you mind? I'm trying to meditate up here if you haven't noticed.
Piper: Well, can't you block out the noise?
Phoebe: Yeah, the vacuum cleaner I can block out, your nerves I can't.
Piper: My nerves?
Phoebe: Oh, for god sakes, woman. I'm sorry, you're anxious, I'm anxious.
Piper: But it's my first date, it's not yours.
Phoebe: But unfortunately, it feels as though it's my first date.
Piper: Well, can't you control it?
Phoebe: What do you think I'm doing up here? Cleaning the chandelier?
Piper: Now that would be helpful.
(Paige walks in through the front door. Phoebe loses her concentration and falls to the floor.)
Phoebe: Talk about your psychic hit.
Paige: Hi, how's it going, don't ask.
Piper: Are you hurt? What happened?
Paige: It's nothing, I'm fine.
Phoebe: You're not fine, Paige, you're scared to death. Why don't people in this family own their emotions.
Paige: Okay, this empath thing, very annoying.
Piper: Copy that.
(Paige goes into the kitchen.)
Piper: Hey.
(Piper follows Paige. Chris orbs in.)
Chris: You haven't seen Leo, have you?
Phoebe: Oh, Chris, not now.
[Cut to the kitchen. Paige is pressing a towel against her wound. Piper walks in.]
Piper: Paige.
Paige: It's nothing, I'm fine.
Piper: It doesn't look like nothing to me. Was that an energy ball?
Paige: I don't know, I was playing pinochle, I didn't see. I'm temping Grandma, she's got some deep dark secrets, let me tell you that.
(Phoebe walks in.)
Piper: Uh, another temp job involving magic?
Paige: Yeah, right, I'm never gonna get away.
Phoebe: But you want to.
Piper: Shush.
Phoebe: Sorry.
Piper: Do you want me to get the book?
Paige: No, actually, I don't. I wanna follow this one through all by myself.
Piper: Oh.
Phoebe: She's feeling a little suppressed by us.
Piper: You are?
Paige: You know, what I was talking about, the temp job thing. Why I am trying to find my own path, just separate from...
Piper: From us?
(Chris walks in.)
Chris: So I checked the house, no sign of...
Piper: I should cancel my date.
Phoebe: What? Why?
Piper: Because we're having issues.
Phoebe: No, the issue is you're afraid to date, Piper. But you can't let your fear stop you. (to Paige) You on the other hand should.
Paige: Gee, I wonder why I'm feeling suppressed.
Piper: Phoebe, this is ridiculous. It's just getting worse.
Phoebe: I know. So what should I do? Should I just keep all your feelings to myself? Would that make you guys happy?
Piper, Paige: Yes.
Phoebe: Okay, then that's what I'll do. Someone's hiding something from me.
Chris: Just let me know if anyone sees Leo, okay?
(Chris leaves.)
Paige: I've gotta go back and check on grandma.
Phoebe: Wait, you're still going? Paige, you're scared to death...
Paige: Apple!
(An apple orbs out of the fruit bowl and into Phoebe's mouth. Paige throws the towel on the table and leaves the kitchen.)
Piper: Well, that's one way to do it.
(Phoebe bites into the apple. Piper smiles and leaves the kitchen.)
[Scene: Cave. Chris and an elderly man with missing front teeth are there. The man is mixing something with a mortar and pestal.]
Man: All sold out I'm afraid. Good for me, bad for you.
Chris: Well, how long will it take you to make more?
Man: The potion you desire is pricey for a reason. The main ingredient is quite rare and hard to come by. What secret are you so eager to hide?
Chris: Just tell me how long.
Man: Hard to say. Six weeks or months. Demonic suppliers are notoriously unreliable.
Chris: Well, I can't wait, alright. I need it now.
Man: The impatience of youth. Then again he takes a young heart to brave grave danger.
Chris: Spare me the Morpheus speech, old man. What are you saying?
(An invisible figure appears near the wall.)
Man: Swamp Land is where you'll find the Kotochul egg your potion requires. Now you understand the difficulty.
Chris: Fine. I'll get you your damn egg. Just make sure you're ready by the time I get back.
(He starts to leave and the invisible figure disappears. He looks at the wall and orbs out. The invisible figure reappears and then becomes visible. It's Leo.)
[Scene: Outside the Callaway house. Paige is talking into the intercom outside the gate.]
Paige: Hi, it's me Paige. Paige, your home helper. Please buzz me in. Look, I know you're there. I am not going to expose you, I promise. I just wanna help.
(Richard Montana walks down his driveway across the street.)
Richard: Don't you think it's a little risky coming back here?
Paige: Please buzz me in, Ms Callaway.
Richard: No, seriously. In case you didn't notice, there's kind of a war going on between these two homes.
Paige: I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about.
Richard: Don't you?
Paige: It's me! Pinochle girl.
Richard: Hey. You're not the first, you know. Others have come to try to help. Maybe you should leave before you get hurt.
Paige: I'm sure I can handle it, thanks.
Richard: You're not a muse that's for sure. Or a Whitelighter. You're a witch like us.
Paige: How do you know that?
Richard: Ever since I was a kid, one sort of magical being or another has come to try help in the feud. Hasn't worked though. I mean, this last truce was the longest but...
(An energy ball comes flying out of the Callaway's house, heading straight for them. He grabs Paige and pulls her out of the way. The energy ball flies past and hits the letterbox across the street.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Scene: Manor. Bathroom. Piper and Phoebe are there. Piper is sitting on the counter while Phoebe puts on Piper's lipstick.]
Phoebe: Good. Alright, take a look.
(Piper looks at herself in a handheld mirror.)
Piper: Yeah, okay, think newly single mum, not two-bit hooker.
(Phoebe hands her some tissues.)
Phoebe: Okay, we try again.
(Piper wipes off the lipstick.)
Piper: You're a little distracted.
Phoebe: I'm having a very hard time concentrating. I think this empath power is driving me crazy.
(Phoebe tries another shade of lipstick on Piper.)
Piper: You?
Phoebe: Well, you try having PMS for three sisters every month. It's a good thing no one in this family is having s*x, I'd be feeling that too.
Piper: Yeah, okay, so let's skip the vamp red.
Phoebe: You know, if I can't ignore the bloating and the cramping and the mood swings, how am I supposed to ignore the fact that my sister is scared to death.
Piper: Phoebe.
Phoebe: Right, okay, I'm just gonna mind my own business.
Piper: All we have to do is respect what Paige wants. And clearly what she wants is not our help.
Phoebe: You know, she thinks that's what she wants but I know what she really wants, and what she really wants is our help.
Piper: That's it, I'm staying home.
Phoebe: What? Why?
Piper: To make sure that you leave Paige alone.
(Pipers jumps off the counter.)
Phoebe: Piper, no, you have to go out, you need to go out. (Piper goes out into the hallway and Phoebe follows.) And this is not me channelling, this is just me talking. Trust me, as soon as you get back on the dating horse, the easier it will be.
Piper: No, I know, you're right, you're absolutely right. It's just the truth is I'm a little scared. I mean, I was married to an angel for crying out loud, who is gonna compare to that?
Phoebe: I know but Piper, but you also dated a demon, a warlock and a ghost, you know, that's what you should be scared of.
Piper: Super pep talk, sis.
(The doorbell rings.)
Phoebe: You look beautiful.
Piper: Mm.
[Cut to downstairs. Foyer. Piper opens the door. Phoebe is standing behind the door. A handsome looking man, Seth, is standing there.]
Seth: Hey.
Piper: Hi.
Seth: Wow, you look great. I-I'm not surprised, that's just that you normally...
Piper: Oh, yeah, no bottle, no binky.
Seth: No spit up.
Piper: Yeah.
Phoebe: Pssst.
Seth: So you ready? Wanna go?
Phoebe: Psst. He likes you, I can tell.
Piper: One second. (whispers) Leave Paige alone, I mean it.
Phoebe: (whispers) I will. I will.
(Piper grabs her bag.)
Piper: Okay.
(Piper walks outside.)
Phoebe: Have fun, have fun, I will leave Paige alone. (Phoebe closes the door.) I can't, I can't. Chris!
(Chris orbs in. He has dust on his shirt.)
Chris: Yeah.
Phoebe: Hey, I need you to watch Wyatt for me.
Chris: What? No, no way.
Phoebe: What's wrong? Why you worried?
Chris: What's wrong? What's wrong is I don't do babies. One and under crowd, not my thing. Leo, however. (Leo orbs in.) Great with kids, especially his own. (to Leo) You're not following me are you?
Leo: Why? Should I be?
Phoebe: Oh, there's a lot of love in this room. Okay, so, um, there's a bottle in the fridge if Wyatt wakes up and the diaper rash cream, only if he needs it, okay? We've gotta keep that butt moist.
(Phoebe rushes off to the kitchen.)
Chris: Did you get that?
(Chris orbs out. Leo runs after Phoebe.)
Leo: Phoebe, Phoebe, wait-wait-wait. I can't do this right now, I gotta follow... up on some things.
Phoebe: Well, I have to check on Paige and make sure she's alright.
Leo: Where's Piper?
Phoebe: Piper is... she's kinda, uh... Piper's on a date.
Leo: Oh.
Phoebe: I'm so sorry, you're hurting. I'm here for you, I just can't be here for you right now. I'm gonna be in there for you though... checking on Paige.
(Phoebe runs into the kitchen.)
[Cut to the kitchen. Phoebe picks up the bloodied towel from Paige's wound.]
Phoebe: "Lead me back from whence this came, help me help my sister's pain."
[Scene: Montana House. Richard and his father Benjamin, walk out of the study. Richard is carrying a glass of pink liquid.]
Benjamin: I want her out of here.
Richard: She wasn't sent by the Callaways, she wants the fighting to stop.
(They walk down the hallway.)
Benjamin: Yeah? Then how come to fighting started up the minute she showed up.
Richard: Probably just a coincidence.
Benjamin: I thought you didn't believe in coincidences.
(Benjamin walks away. Richard walks into the living room where Paige is sitting.]
Richard: Hey. Here, drink that.
(He hands her the glass.)
Paige: What is it?
Richard: It's a family recipe, it'll make you feel better, speed up the healing process. Look, I'm the one who shouldn't trust you, remember? Drink up.
(Paige has a sip. Rosaline Montana walks past the room carrying a tray of potions.)
Paige: Are those potions?
Richard: Yeah, I told you we're witches.
Paige: Good ones or bad ones.
Richard: What do you think.
Paige: Well, I don't know, you did just try to fry an eighty-year old grandma with an energy ball.
Richard: We didn't do that, that was the Callaways. They made it look like it was us. It was a set-up.
Paige: Okay, so they're the bad ones?
Richard: Well, no, they're not bad, they're just, they're bad to us. (Steve, his brother, comes running in. He has scars on one side of his face. He picks up a tray of potions and leaves.) See those scars? Years ago the Callaways cast a plague on us. Of course in return we cursed them with boils. Or was it the boils and then the plague? I don't know, I can't remember. A feud this long you start to lose track, you know.
Paige: How come you don't have scars?
Richard: You can't curse people that don't practise magic. I don't do that anymore.
Paige: Why not?
Richard: Last time I did it it brought me to a place I don't wanna go again. (He points to a photo of a woman.) That's Olivia, my fiancé. Olivia Callaway.
Paige: Ooh, sleeping with the enemy.
Richard: She was actually killed in the crossfire last year.
Paige: I-I'm really sorry.
Richard: It's alright, you didn't know. She'd be more upset than anybody if this truce ended. She, she wanted peace.
Paige: Maybe that's why I'm here, to help.
(Olivia's spirit floats out of the photo. She floats through the wall and into the study where Benjamin is.)
Olivia: Boo!
Benjamin: What? Olivia? But you're a...
Olivia: A ghost? Yeah. Sucks too, believe me.
Benjamin: What do you want?
Olivia: What you took from me. My life, my love. (An energy ball appears in her hand.) And one way or another, I'm gonna get them both back.
Benjamin: No, just wait a minute, don't. There's a Charmed One here, she'll come after you.
Olivia: I'm counting on it.
(Olivia floats outside the window and throws the energy ball. It smashes through the window and hits Benjamin. The whole family and Paige rush in.)
Rosaline: Oh, please, god, no! Oh my god!
(Paige looks out the window and sees Phoebe across the street in the Callaway house. Phoebe looks out the window and waves at Paige.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Scene: Restaurant. Piper and Seth are on their date. The waiter is taking Piper's order.]
Piper: Um, I'll have the salmon and fusilli with the eggplant. And could you make sure they use basil and not Italian parsley. And could you ask them to sauté the eggplant lightly and also grill the salmon after the pasta is done, that way it won't dry out. Thank you. (The waiter walks away.) What?
Seth: Nothing. I just never dated an ex-chef before, that's all.
Piper: Oh, was I being too picky?
Seth: No, no.
Piper: Yeah, I was. I'm sorry, I'm just a little...
Seth: Nervous?
Piper: Is it that obvious?
Seth: It's my fault, this is not a very good first date place.
Piper: Oh, no, no, it's fine, it's just, you know, I haven't dated in a while.
Seth: How long were you married?
Piper: Two years but we were together four.
Seth: It gets easier. I think I went on five, six dates after my divorce until finally I started feeling comfortable dating people again.
Piper: Oh, so I guess you don't mind being the guinea pig then.
Seth: Not at all. (Chris orbs in near by.) If you don't mind me asking, when's your divorce finalised?
Piper: My divorce?
Seth: You filed, right?
Piper: Um, not exactly. It's, uh, kind of a weird arrangement, it's hard to explain.
(Chris walks over to them. He has mud on his shirt.)
Chris: Piper.
Piper: What are you doing here? Why are you covered in mud?
Seth: Excuse me a second. Who's this?
Chris: Me? I'm from the future.
Seth: What?
Piper: Excuse us. (Piper grabs Chris and they walk across the room.) Are you crazy?
Chris: You're not serious about that guy are you?
Piper: Well, uh... You know what, that is none of your business. Where have you been?
Chris: That's none of your business. Look, you better get home before your sisters kill each other.
Piper: What? Why? What happened? (She gasps.) Oh, no, Phoebe?
(Chris nods.)
[Scene: Manor. Phoebe and Paige are walking through the dining room.]
Phoebe: Paige, I said I'm sorry, what more do you want from me?
Paige: Sorry doesn't begin to cover it.
Phoebe: Look, I was worried about you, I thought you were in trouble.
Paige: If you were so worried, why were you at the Callaways?
Phoebe: The spell was supposed to take me to you, not them. How was I supposed to know you were across the street?
Paige: You weren't supposed to know because you weren't supposed to be involved.
(Piper and Chris orb in.)
Phoebe: Well, it's a good thing I did get involved because obviously there's a war going on over there.
Paige: I can handle it.
Phoebe: Oh, really?
(Piper whistles.)
Piper: Hi, hey, what is this about a war?
Paige: Ask Miss Buttinsky over there. She was with the Callaways when they killed Richard's dad.
Phoebe: Paige, I'm telling you they didn't kill anyone.
Paige: I was there.
Paige: Yeah, so was I.
(Leo walks down a few stairs.)
Leo: Hey, can you guys keep it down? I just got Wyatt to sleep.
Piper: What are you doing here?
(Leo walks down the stairs.)
Phoebe: Okay, in the living room, in the living room, let's go, let's go.
(Piper, Phoebe and Paige go in the living room.)
Chris: Can I go now?
Leo: No.
(Leo grabs Chris and pulls him in the living room.)
[Cut to the living room.]
Phoebe: Paige, I'm telling you the energy ball did not come from the Callaways.
Paige: I saw it come through the Callaways' window.
Phoebe: It couldn't have.
Paige: Oh, she's not only butting in, she's taking sides.
Phoebe: Look, Paige, it's not only what I saw but it's what I felt. Don't you think if they just tried to killed someone I would have felt some intense anger coming from them? But I didn't.
Paige: I don't know. Are you sensing any intense anger coming at you right now?
Phoebe: No, but what I can sense is that maybe your attraction to this Richard guy is clouding your better judgement.
Paige: I hate talking to an empath.
Piper: Wait a second, hold it. Didn't they fire on the Callaway grandmother when you got hurt? Maybe this is just retribution.
Paige: No, Richard said his family didn't fire on them. I believe him.
Phoebe: Then where did the energy ball come from? They don't just materialise.
Piper: Maybe they do.
Leo: What do you mean?
Piper: Well, if Richard says it was no one in his family, maybe it was somebody else, maybe a third party.
Leo: If so, the two families need to know before this escalates any further.
Piper: You've been in both houses, do you think you can get them to come here?
Paige: What do you mean, like peace talks?
Piper: Yeah, why not.
Chris: You've got an Elder right here, who better to mediate. Good luck.
(Chris orbs out.)
Phoebe: I actually think this could work.
Paige: I don't know, this feud's been going back for generations. I don't even think they know how it started.
Piper: Still, it's worth a shot.
[Scene: Cave. Chris hands the egg to the old man.]
Man: Nicely done. These aren't easy to find.
Chris: Tell me about it. How long before it's ready?
Man: You'll have it when you need it.
(The man cracks the egg and drops the yolk into the cauldron.)
[Scene: Montana House. Study. Richard is standing by the window holding a potion. Paige orbs in.]
Paige: What are you doing?
(He turns around.)
Richard: Paige, get out of here, it's none of your business.
Paige: I thought you weren't using magic.
Richard: Just save me the speech, okay, I don't need it. Go save an innocent or something.
Paige: Yeah, I'm trying.
Richard: Look, they killed my fiancé, they killed my dad. What do you want me to do? Just sit back and watch?
Paige: We don't know the Callaways even did it.
Richard: Who then?
Paige: I don't know.
Richard: You don't know. Great. Just go, please, before you get hurt.
(Paige orbs out. Richard heads for the door and opens it. Paige orbs in in front of him.)
Paige: Hi. You have two choices. Either you can go over to the Callaways and use your considerable influence, not to mention your fairly neutral reputation, and bring them to the peace table.
Richard: What?
Paige: Or I can orb your butt down to purgatory and you can spend all of eternity getting a lovely sunburn.
Richard: You're crazy.
Paige: Quite possibly. More importantly I'm actually serious. Look, it's the only way to end the feud. It's what Olivia would've wanted, right?
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Scene: Manor. Kitchen. Piper is making a potion. Leo walks in holding a top with blood on it.]
Leo: Is this it?
Piper: That's it, drop it in.
(Leo puts the top in the potion.)
Leo: What are you looking for?
Piper: I wanna see if Paige was actually hit by an energy ball after all.
Leo: What else could it be?
Piper: Let's see.
Leo: So, um, how was your date?
Piper: Short.
Leo: Oh, I'm really sorry. Short, you mean like, uh, leprechaun short?
Piper: No, Leo, he wasn't short, the date was cut short by this.
Leo: Oh, right, sorry. So, uh, don't you think you should use protection? (Piper gives him a look. He chuckles.) I mean for your hands, the soup.
Piper: Okay.
Leo: Look, I know this is awkward me being here and all.
Piper: It's just as I expected.
Leo: What does that mean?
Piper: Not you, the pan. Keep up will you? The shirt, it's getting lighter, which means Paige was not hit by an energy ball, she was hit by a plasma ball.
Leo: Plasma?
Piper: And plasma only occurs on the spiritual plane.
(Phoebe walks in.)
Phoebe: Okay, they're all here and these people are in major need of peace talks.
Piper: Actually, what they need is a séance.
[Cut to the attic. Piper, Phoebe, Paige, Leo and the Callaways and Montanas are there.]
James Callaway: You think a ghost is trying to break the truce?
Piper: Uh, an angry relative maybe? You know, someone who is still tethered to the feud, someone who can't or won't let go.
(Piper walks over to a table where Paige is.)
Paige: Why didn't you tell me about this?
Piper: No time, sorry.
Steve: This is ridiculous, it's just another one of their tricks.
(He heads for the door but Richard stops him.)
Richard: No, it's not. I asked them to come, just let it play out, alright?
(Piper lights five red candles.)
Piper: By summoning this spirit, we bring them into our plane, so be careful not to break the circle until we've helped it move on. Or else we're gonna have some angry spirits running a muck. Everybody ready?
Phoebe: Ommmmmmm. Ummmmmmm.
Piper: Phoebe?
Phoebe: Oh, sorry, it's just there's... everybody's like... oof.
(They all stand in a circle and join hands.)
Piper: Paige.
Paige: "Unknown spirit we call to thee, those who wish to set you free, cross on over so we may help, come to use reveal yourself."
(A gust of wind blows in the centre of the circle.)
Piper: Hold on.
(Magical lights appear in the circle and form into Olivia.)
James: Olivia.
Olivia: Hello, daddy. Miss me? (She turns to Richard.) Richard.
James: I don't understand. You attacked us. Why?
(She turns to James.)
Olivia: Because you didn't avenge my death, that's why.
Rosaline: But you were hit by one of your own.
Olivia: Or so you were lead to think. But that's not exactly true, (she turns to Steve) is it, Steve?
Steve: It was an accident.
Craig Montana: We were set up.
(Rosaline tries to let go of James' hand but he holds on tight.)
Paige: Okay, don't break the chain.
(Olivia turns to Paige.)
Olivia: No, we wouldn't want that now, would we Paige?
Phoebe: Okay, we have to move this along now because whoo.
Richard: This can't be right. That can't be you.
(Olivia turns to Richard.)
Olivia: I was wrong about the feud, Richard. It can never end, I know that now. But that doesn't mean we can't still be together. Once I have my revenge.
(She disappears and a big blast of wind knocks everyone backwards, breaking the chain.)
James: Your son killed my daughter.
Rosaline: And your daughter killed my husband.
James: Come on.
(Everyone walks out of the room.)
Paige: Richard, don't go. Okay, next time I tell you to butt out, butt out.
(Paige runs out of the room.)
[Cut to the hallway. Paige runs down the stairs.]
Paige: Richard, wait!
(Olivia's spirit appears in front of Paige.)
Olivia: Why don't we go after Richard together?
(Olivia's spirit enters Paige's body.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Scene: Manor. Kitchen. Piper is there making a potion. Phoebe walks in.]
Phoebe: Hey, what are you doing? Making soup?
Piper: Um, not exactly.
(Phoebe looks at the page the Book of Shadows is turned to.)
Phoebe: "Banishing a ghost." Wait a minute, I thought we weren't gonna try and help Paige anymore.
Piper: We're not, we're assisting.
Phoebe: Oh, we're assisting.
Piper: Mm-hm. We're just giving her a little ammo should she need it. (Piper pours the blue potion into a vial.) You know, that was one really pissed off ghost.
Phoebe: That was also one very pissed off sister.
Piper: Which is why we're not helping her, not directly. We're just giving her an option.
Phoebe: You're worried.
Piper: So?
Phoebe: So you can actually worry and really you're just worried, where as if I worry, people think I'm psychically intruding.
Piper: Precisely. Now I need to call Leo so he can baby-sit.
Phoebe: I can call him if you want me to. Just trying to help. I know you want me to though.
[Scene: Montana House. Study. Richard is there. Paige/Olivia walks in.]
Paige: Knock, knock.
Richard: Do you ever give up?
Paige: Never. Penny for your thoughts? (He gives her a look.) What?
Richard: Olivia used to say that.
Paige: Oh. I should be more careful. It must have been hard, seeing her again after all that time.
Richard: Yeah. She just seemed so bitter, you know.
Paige: Bitter? She wasn't bitter, she was pissed. I mean, I would be if I lost everything.
Richard: It just wasn't like her.
Paige: Well, maybe she was lonely. Maybe she was just reaching out, or maybe she just wants some justice.
Richard: Justice? She wants revenge.
Paige: There's something to be said through revenge.
Richard: Weren't you the one advocating peace? Said you send me to purgatory if I didn't agree.
(Paige chuckles.)
Paige: Well, a girl's allowed to change her mind, right? And if Olivia's right and if you can't be stopped, then the last man standing wins. Besides, I'll be there, you won't be alone.
Richard: Why are you doing this?
Paige: Because it's the right thing to do. (Paige touches his shoulder.) Together we can't lose.
(They move closer and kiss.)
[Scene: Cave. Chris and the old man is there. The old man is pouring the potion into a vial.]
Chris: Are you sure this is gonna work?
Man: As long as it doesn't make you violently ill. Side effects, you never know.
Chris: Thanks for the tip.
Man: You sure it's worth the risk?
Chris: I wouldn't be here if it wasn't.
(Chris takes the potion.)
Man: He won't tell me.
Chris: Tell you what?
Leo's Voice: What you need the potion for. (Leo becomes visible.) Other than to hide your secrets that is.
Chris: What? This was all a set-up? Is this even legit?
Man: It's legit alright. But I'm afraid you have to answer to a higher power now.
Chris: Go ahead, take it. (He throws the potion to Leo.) It wasn't for me anyway.
Leo: Really?
Chris: I got it for the sisters. Phoebe's new power is wreaking havoc on their relationship, or haven't you noticed?
Leo: You expect me to believe this wasn't meant to protect your secrets?
Chris: No, I don't. But seeing as you haven't figured me out yet, why would I even need it?
Leo: Don't get too cocky, kid. Wouldn't want me to clip your wings now, would you?
(Whitelighter sound.)
Chris: Whoops, looks like Wyatt needs another babysitter, dad. (Leo orbs out.) Alright, I have to ask you to make another one.
[Scene: Montana House. Study. Paige and Richard are standing by the window. Paige is holding a potion vial.]
Paige: Take it. Don't be afraid, you can do it.
(Steve runs past the door.)
Steve: They're attacking!
(Richard grabs the potion and runs out of the room.)
[Cut to the living room. James and his two sons run into the room. Steve runs in and throws a potion at them. It hits a wall. One of the Callaway sons throws an energy ball at Steve, grazing him and knocking him to the floor. Richard runs in and throws a potion. It heads for James and James dives behind the couch. The potion hits one of the Callaway sons in the chest and he and flies backwards into the wall. Richard helps a wounded Steve up and helps him across the room. James gets up and throws an energy ball at them. They dive onto the floor. The energy ball hits the TV. Steve winces in pain and looks at the large wound on his leg.]
[Cut to outside the Montana house. Piper and Phoebe pull up in Phoebe's car. They see flashes of light and hear explosions from inside.]
Phoebe: Think she needs help now?
[Cut to inside. Living room. Richard throws a potion at one of the Callaway sons. Rosaline walks into the room and goes to help Steve. James throws an energy ball straight at Rosaline and hits her, sending her flying.]
Steve: Mum!
(Richard looks at his mother and gets angrier. He turns to James and throws an energy ball straight for him. Piper and Phoebe walk in and Piper blows up the energy ball in mid-air. They look at Piper and Phoebe. James throws an energy ball at Richard and he is pushed across the room. He slams into the wall and falls to the floor. Rosaline sits up. Paige runs in and rushes to Richard's side.)
Paige: Richard. Richard, please wake. Richard, please wake up. It's me, it's Olivia.
Piper: Oh, no.
Paige: If I can't have him in life, then I'll have him in death.
(Paige orbs out with Richard.)
Rosaline: Oh, Richard! Richard!
(Rosaline cries.)
[Scene: Crypt. It's pitch black. A match is lit which lights up the crypt. Paige and Richard are lying there. Paige lights a candle.]
Paige: It's okay. You're alright, sweetheart. (Richard slowly wakes up.) We couldn't be together before, but we can be together now.
(Richard turns his head and sees a skeleton lying beside him. He yells.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Scene: Cemetery. Crypt. Richard is breathing heavily, he's running out of breath.]
Paige: Don't fight it, just breath.
Richard: Olivia, please don't do this to me.
Paige: It's the only way, the only way we can be together. (He looks over at the candle which is almost melted.) Dying's not so hard. That's it. Just breathe.
(The candle dies out.)
[Scene: Manor. Attic. Piper, Phoebe and Leo are there. Piper is standing in front of the Book of Shadows and Phoebe is scrying.]
Piper: "Blood to blood I summon thee, blood to blood return to me." It's not working.
Phoebe: Neither is scrying. I knew I should have followed my instincts, I knew that she was in over her head.
Piper: Phoebe.
Phoebe: What? I know I am driving everyone crazy with my power but doesn't mean I'm not right.
Leo: We're all understandably tense, but that's not gonna help us get Paige back any faster.
Phoebe: Well, what is? It's like she doesn't even exist anymore.
Leo: That's because Olivia's energy is suppressing her.
Phoebe: So maybe we should be scrying for Olivia. Only we'd need something of hers to scry with.
(The doorbell rings.)
[Cut to downstairs. Piper answers the door. James and Rosaline is standing there.]
James: We think we know where they are.
Rosaline: We want to help end this before we lose anyone else.
Piper: Come on in.
[Scene: Cemetery. Crypt. Piper, Phoebe and Leo are standing there. Piper blows up the lid of the crypt. Leo rushes over to Paige and Richard. They are unconscious. Olivia's spirit rises out of Paige.]
Olivia: You're too late.
Leo: No, we're not. (Paige wakes up. She sits up.) Paige.
Paige: I'm okay.
(An energy ball appears in Olivia's hand. Piper blows it up. Olivia gasps.)
Piper: Phoebe, the potion.
Paige: You don't need to banish her. You felt her anger but I felt her pain. I know how much you loved him. How much it hurts to have lost him. But you have to let him live. It's the only way for you to move on and get out of limbo. Olivia, please, come away from vengeance, and come back to forgiveness. Back to who you were. Just let the feud end with life and not with death.
(Richard wakes up.)
Olivia: I'm scared.
Paige: I know.
Olivia: (to Richard) Forgive me.
(Olivia disappears.)
[Scene: Manor. Attic. Phoebe is there sitting at a desk. The door is locked. Piper and Paige are standing outside the door.]
Paige: Come on, Phoebe, you can't stay in there forever.
Phoebe: Yes, I can.
Piper: Phoebe, this is nuts. Open the door.
Phoebe: No.
Piper: Phoebe.
Phoebe: Okay, let's see if this one works. "In the name of the Halliwell line, bind my sisters from this power of mine."
Piper: Phoebe.
(Phoebe turns to the door.)
Phoebe: It's not working, I can still feel your frustration. (Piper, Paige and Chris orb in.) I don't know what else to do, I've tried everything.
Piper: Hi!
(Phoebe turns around.)
Phoebe: You know, people lock doors for a reason.
Paige: Yes, well, I figure if you can use your powers to intrude on my life, then I can use mine to intrude on yours.
Piper: Come on, Phoebe. None of us like this new power of yours anymore than you do, but it's pointless to isolate yourself.
Phoebe: Well, if I can't read you, I can't hurt you.
Paige: Well, how about instead of trying to control your power, maybe you try to, I didn't know, control yourself?
Phoebe: Because, Paige, I can't. And I can sense how annoyed you are right now and that's hurting me.
Paige: Well, what's annoying me if I've discovered I have this magical destiny and I can't trust you to leave me alone for me to follow it.
Phoebe: What do you think I'm trying to do up here?
Piper: Okay, let's look at the bright side. We settled a family feud, we set free a tortured soul, maybe your new power and Paige's new solo path away from the sisterhood, is some kind of synergy, that it's all working together in some kind of divine way.
Phoebe, Paige: Nah.
Chris: I don't get it. Leo didn't give you the empath blocking potion?
Piper: What potion? Leo! (Leo orbs in.) Where is it?
Phoebe: Give me, give me, give me. Faster.
Piper: Come on, come on, come on.
Chris: They're really anxious about that potion you got for them.
Leo: Yeah, only I think you should wait to take it. Phoebe was given her power for a reason.
Piper: Forget that.
(Leo hands Piper the potion. She drinks some of it and then passes it to Paige. Paige drinks some.)
Phoebe: Nothing, nada, zilch!
Paige: Yes!
Piper: Hallelujah!
Paige: Well, I have to go finish a game of pinochle with grandma Callaway.
Phoebe: Maybe you'll run into Richard.
Paige: I'm sorry?
Phoebe: That was a sister thing, not an empath thing. (Phoebe gets up.) Come on.
(Phoebe and Paige leave the room.)
Chris: So it worked, right? No nausea, queasiness, nothing like that?
Piper: Nope, nothing.
(Piper leaves the room.)
Chris: Looks like we're one big happy family again.
Leo: You're not family.
(Leo leaves the room. Chris pulls a potion out of his pocket and drinks it.)
[Cut to the hallway. Piper and Leo are there.]
Leo: Piper. I wanna apologise.
Piper: For what?
Leo: For being around so much. I know you asked for your space and I wanna honour that but it's just with Chris.
Piper: Yeah, no, I understand, I'm not upset.
Leo: Good.
Piper: Actually, I don't really think it's necessary anymore. Besides, I can't really think of a better babysitter for Wyatt than his daddy.
Leo: Really? Anytime.
Piper: I know this hasn't been easy for you either, but I really appreciate it, it's given me some time to think.
Leo: About?
Piper: About where we go from here. And I think it's time maybe we make it official. You know, legal.
(The phone rings.)
Leo: Oh. I understand.
Phoebe's Voice: Piper, Seth's on the phone.
Leo: Guess you better get that.
Piper: Yeah.
(Piper walks into her room and closes the door.) | Plan: A: Paige's latest temp job; Q: What puts Paige in the middle of a feud between two magical families? A: the middle; Q: Where is Paige in the feud between the Montanas and the Callaways? A: Richard Montana; Q: Who does Paige fall for when she is in the middle of a feud between two magical families? A: both families; Q: Who does Paige urge to consider a truce? A: a séance; Q: What do Paige, Phoebe, and Piper hold with both families? A: Olivia Callaway; Q: Who is Richard's first love? A: the feud; Q: What does Paige's abduction of Richard cause the families to end? A: her death; Q: What is Olivia trying to avenge? A: Olivia's spirit; Q: Who does Paige become possessed by? A: Phoebe and Piper; Q: Who must banish Olivia in order to save Paige and the two families? A: his mother; Q: Who did Richard's family nearly lose? A: Olivia's grave; Q: Where does Olivia's father and Richard's mom lead Phoebe and Piper to? A: Olivia's intense pain; Q: What did Paige feel while possessed by Olivia? A: Leo; Q: Who is suspicious of Chris's trip to The Underworld? A: The Underworld; Q: Where does Chris go in search of a potion? A: secret; Q: How does Leo trail Chris? A: Piper and Paige; Q: Who uses the empath blocking potion to block Phoebe's power? Summary: When Paige's latest temp job puts her in the middle of an ongoing feud between two magical families, the Montanas and the Callaways, she falls for Richard Montana and urges both families to consider a truce. Paige, Phoebe, and Piper hold a séance with both families and everyone is stunned to learn that Richard's first love, Olivia Callaway, is the one who has been escalating the feud to avenge her death. Paige becomes possessed by Olivia's spirit, and Phoebe and Piper must banish Olivia in order to save Paige and the two families. However, Paige's abduction of Richard while possessed and the near death of his mother, cause the families to end the feud, having decided they want no more death. Olivia's dad and Richard's mom lead Phoebe and Piper to Olivia's grave where Paige tries to attack, but is prevented by Piper. Phoebe and Piper go to vanquish her but are stopped by Paige who felt Olivia's intense pain while possessed by her and Paige and Richard are able to convince her to move on peacefully. Meanwhile, Leo is suspicious when Chris travels to The Underworld in search of a potion and trails him in secret. The potion turns out to be an empath blocking potion, and Piper and Paige are able to use it to block Phoebe's new power on them, however, when they are gone, Chris secretly uses it on himself too. |
INVASION OF THE DINOSAURS
BY: MALCOLM HULKE
PART ONE
12th January, 1974 5:30pm - 5:55pm
[SCENE_BREAK]
1: EXT. ALBERT EMBANKMENT
(London: Bird song is the only sound that is heard along the pavement that runs down from St. Thomas's Hospital. In front of the Houses of Parliament, the Thames is devoid of moving river traffic.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
2: EXT. WESTMINSTER BRIDGE
(Slightly downstream, nothing crosses the Thames either. Westminster Bridge - normally a vital artery in the city - is utterly vacant of vehicles.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
3: EXT. WHITEHALL
(The hub of Government is silent, still and deserted. No civil servants come out of the Foreign and Commonwealth office and pass by the Cenotaph.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
4: EXT. TRAFALGAR SQUARE
(In Trafalgar Square, not a pedestrian or vehicle is seen to move. The fountains are switched off. )
[SCENE_BREAK]
5: EXT. MARGARET STREET
(Margaret Street, running parallel and to the north of Oxford Street is as quiet as the grave.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
6: EXT. HAYMARKET
(Haymarket, on the cusp of theatreland and governmental London is bereft of the normal bustle of shoppers and tourists that are usually to be seen. A lone pigeon walks across the road, for once at no danger at all from the crush of vehicles.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
7: EXT. BILLINGSGATE MARKET
(The old Billingsgate Market off Lower Thames Street betrays its decay more than usual in this deserted silence, broken only when a dog barks.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
8: EXT. LONG LANE
(What should be another hive of activity - Smithfield Market - is equally deserted.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
9: EXT. COVENT GARDEN
(In the very centre of London, Covent Garden shows no sign of human habitation.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
10: EXT. REGENT'S PARK OUTER CIRCLE
(Residential London, starting near Regent's Park, also has none of the movement associated with one of the largest and greatest cities on Earth.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
11: EXT. RESIDENTIAL STREET
(At last, life. A slightly emaciated dog laps something up from the well of a car, its door left open as if hurriedly abandoned. It moves off past a row of houses that are partially decayed...and partially crushed in.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
12: EXT. ANOTHER RESIDENTIAL STREET
(A leather satchel full of coins lies untouched on the pavement. Near to it are several broken milk bottles and the milkfloat itself abandoned on the kerb.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
13: EXT. PARK
(Scattered on the ground of a leafy public park are the remains of children's toys, but there are no children. Then the silence is broken by the materialisation of the TARDIS. The door opens and SARAH steps cautiously out. She looks round as the DOCTOR follows, locking the door shut behind him. SARAH wears the same clothes that she wore when she stowed aboard the TARDIS at the research centre. The DOCTOR has changed into a dark blue smoking jacket and wears a tweed cloth cloak.)
SARAH: Seems to be alright.
DOCTOR: Well, I told you I'd get you back home safely, didn't I?
SARAH: We set off from the research centre.
DOCTOR: Well, there's no point in going back there. No, I set course for UNIT HQ.
SARAH: Well, this isn't UNIT HQ.
DOCTOR: Space time co-ordinates were a bit out, that's all. We can't be far away.
SARAH: So where are we?
DOCTOR: Somewhere in London.
SARAH: And when?
DOCTOR: Well when we left - give or take a few weeks.
SARAH: It's not the nineteenth century or the twenty-first?
DOCTOR: My dear Sarah, you are perfectly safe. Now all we've got to do now is go and find a telephone and...ring the Brigadier.
(They start to set off but there is the sound of a crashing tree from not too far away.)
SARAH: (Nervously.) What was that?
(The DOCTOR listens.)
DOCTOR: Well, the parks department's cutting down some trees. Come on.
(They move off, failing to notice two abandoned deck chairs on the grass some way behind the TARDIS. One lies on its side...as if its last occupant was in no hurry to remain.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
14: EXT. ROAD
(The DOCTOR is inside the telephone trying to phone the BRIGADIER. SARAH stands outside looking around whilst she waits for him. The DOCTOR repeatedly taps the phone and then comes out of the familiar red cubicle.)
DOCTOR: No, it doesn't work.
SARAH: Probably been vandalised.
DOCTOR: That's a very unfair word, you know. Because actually the Vandals were quite decent chaps.
(SARAH grins.)
DOCTOR: Come on, let's see if we can go and find a taxi.
SARAH: Some hope. (Points.) Well, there's a bus stop.
DOCTOR: Yes.
(They walk down the deserted road towards it.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
15: EXT. INDUSTRIAL SITE
(A man, wearing a flat cap and carrying a bag appears at the top of a flight of metal stairs. He looks round cautiously and then makes his way down the steps. Beyond some pipes and girders, he sees a jeep with four soldiers in it turn and corner. He ducks down on the stairwell. After the jeep has moved off, the man gets up, leans over the edge of the stairwell to make sure the jeep has truly gone and then runs down the remaining steps to a waiting car. He gets in and closes the doors. He starts the engine and drives off.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
16: EXT. ROAD
(Waiting patiently for a bus to turn up, the DOCTOR plays with the chain on which the TARDIS key hangs.)
SARAH: There's no bus.
DOCTOR: There's no anything. No, nothing's moving. No bicycles, no pedestrians, no cars - nothing.
SARAH: Why?
DOCTOR: Well, perhaps it's Sunday. Great Britain always closes on Sundays. Come on, I think we'd better walk.
(They start to cross the road but hear and then see and see the car from the industrial site rushing towards them. The DOCTOR signals to the driver to stop but the car drives head on at them. The DOCTOR pushes SARAH out of the way and the car speeds off.)
SARAH: Charming!
DOCTOR: Well, perhaps he doesn't like hitch-hikers.
(They move on.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
17: EXT. SHOPS
(The car drives up and parks by a row of small shops. The road is covered with litter and all the shops are shut up. The man, PHILLIPS, looks round carefully from his driver's seat. He has spotted a jeweller's shop in a small arcade off the road. He checks round once more, gets out and takes a large holdall off the passenger seat. He runs into the jewellers. A moment later, the DOCTOR and SARAH walk up the road following where the car went. They reach a corner and the DOCTOR holds SARAH back while he looks round. They move on up to the open car and check quickly inside. The DOCTOR looks round for any sign of the driver and spots the open jeweller's shop. He goes towards it and SARAH follows.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
18: INT. JEWELLER'S SHOP
(Inside a shop packed with clocks, plates and figurines, PHILLIPS is greedily examining a pile of expensive bracelets. He hears sounds from outside and quickly puts the jewellery in his bag and runs into the back of the shop, taking something with him. The DOCTOR and SARAH enter.)
DOCTOR: Anybody here?
(SARAH spots PHILLIPS' holdall.)
SARAH: Look!
(She starts towards it but PHILLIPS comes out from the back of the shop, pointing a sawn-off shotgun at them.)
PHILLIPS: I got here first! Turn round! Hands against that wall!
DOCTOR: Do as he says, Sarah.
(The DOCTOR turns to obey but a plucky SARAH doesn't move.)
DOCTOR: Sarah, do as he says!
(He pulls her with him and they stand with their hands against the frosted glass panels of the back of the window display. PHILLIPS starts to collect his holdall.)
DOCTOR: Look, I realise that you're very busy, but would you mind telling me what's going on around here?
(PHILLIPS, holdall in hand, starts to edge out of the shop, keeping the shotgun on them all the time.)
PHILLIPS: You find your own places. There's plenty to choose from. I got here first.
(PHILLIPS dashes out and SARAH makes to follow him.)
DOCTOR: Sarah - no! He's liable to shoot you out of pure terror.
(They hear the car starting up and driving away.)
SARAH: I'll call the police.
(As the DOCTOR looks outside from the doorway, she picks up a telephone and dials 999. It rings but there is no answer.)
SARAH: They're not answering!
(There is a screech of tyres and a roar from outside. The DOCTOR and SARAH look at each other and run to the door.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
19: EXT. ROAD
(The man's car is totally smashed in, as though it had hit a large and heavier obstruction but there is no such thing in sight. PHILLIPS lies dead on the ground just outside the driver's door. Blood covers the right-hand side of his face and his loot spills from his holdall next to him. Sickened by the sight, SARAH looks away. The DOCTOR looks saddened.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
20: INT. SCHOOL CLASSROOM
(A radio operator - PRIVATE OGDEN - sits by a set listening to a message and writing it down.)
PRIVATE OGDEN: (Into radio.) Right, okay, got it.
(He tears the paper off the pad and turns to someone behind him.)
PRIVATE OGDEN: Serg?
(He hands a piece of paper to SERGEANT BENTON who is sitting at a table behind him.)
PRIVATE OGDEN: Another sighting.
(Next to BENTON is another soldier who is using a typewriter. BENTON gets up and walks over to where a map of London covered with coloured pins has been put up on a blackboard easel. The room they are in is a schoolroom in a London Victorian building. Children's drawings cover the wall. Trestle tables have been set up with phone lines installed, a radio set and the office paraphernalia required for a temporary HQ. The BRIGADIER is talking on a telephone.)
SERGEANT BENTON: Thank you, Ogden.
BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: (Into phone.) Yes, that's right. Frequency of sightings about the same. (He listens.) There's not much we can do, sir, except block them. (Listens.) No, sir, the Doctor isn't back yet. I'm hoping he'll return very soon.
(Having finished adjusting the pins on the map, BENTON puts the slip of paper in front of the BRIGADIER. Another phone rings and CAPTAIN YATES, sat at a desk in front of the BRIGADIER, answers it.)
CAPTAIN YATES: (Into phone.) UNIT HQ, Captain Yates?
BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: (Into phone.) Yes, right. (He listens.) Yes, alright, sir, I'll keep you informed. Goodbye.
CAPTAIN YATES: (Into phone.) Yes, got that. Thank you.
(He puts the phone down as the BRIGADIER walks past him with a sheaf of papers in his hand.)
CAPTAIN YATES: Sir, five more looters have been picked up in Hyde Park.
(YATES holds up the paper with the message but the BRIGADIER doesn't take it.)
BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Ogden?
(The PRIVATE runs over.)
BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Get this off to General Finch, will you?
PRIVATE OGDEN: Sir.
(OGDEN goes back to the radio set and the BRIGADIER starts to examine the newly-adjusted map.)
BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: I've asked the regulars for more men. We've got to get more patrols out.
CAPTAIN YATES: It's organised gangs now, sir.
BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: What?
CAPTAIN YATES: The looters.
BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Well, that's only to be expected.
CAPTAIN YATES: We're going to need more detention centres.
BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: (Shouts impatiently.) Yes, alright, Yates. Get them set up! The looters are a detail. It's these we've got to worry about.
(He points at the pins on the map.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
21: EXT. ROAD
(The sign reads:
METROPOLITAN
POLICE
The DOCTOR, carrying the holdall retrieved from PHILLIPS' car, is knocking on the door of the Police Station but there is no answer.)
SARAH: There must be somebody somewhere.
(The DOCTOR gives up and they stand and listen. They hear the faint sound of a vehicle.)
DOCTOR: Listen.
SARAH: Over there.
(She points to the end of the road and they watch as a Land Rover drives past.)
DOCTOR: It's stopping.
(The DOCTOR picks up PHILLIPS' bag.)
DOCTOR: Come on.
(They start running in the direction that the vehicle took.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
22: EXT. GARAGE LOCK-UP
(The Land Rover reverses into a garage and a second man pulls the wooden double doors closed behind them. A moment later, the DOCTOR and SARAH walk up to the area and look round for signs of the vehicle. They hear the sound of something metal being dropped in the garage into which the Land Rover reversed and walk up to it. The DOCTOR pulls the door open and walks in.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
23: INT. GARAGE LOCK-UP
(SARAH follows. There would seem to be no sign of the two men.)
DOCTOR: Hello?
(Further into the lock-up, the sound of the DOCTOR'S voice surprises the two men and they drop a pile of furs. One of them gestures and they run into hiding, one further into the back and the other in another direction.)
DOCTOR: (OOV.) Hello?
(The DOCTOR and SARAH walk round the corner and towards where the furs have been dropped. One of the men comes out from hiding with a wrench making for the DOCTOR but, with a few karate chops, the man is easily disposed off and flung against a wall. While the DOCTOR looks down at him, the second WAREHOUSE LOOTER comes up behind him and hits him on the back of the head with an object. The DOCTOR falls and SARAH tackles him but is saved from serious injury by the sound of rapid machine-gun fire outside. This startles the two men and they both run off out of the garage. The DOCTOR starts to recover and SARAH, concerned, runs over to help him.)
SARAH: Are you alright?
DOCTOR: Not really, no. Help me up, will you?
(As they hear the sound of vehicles outside, SARAH helps the DOCTOR to stand up and walk to the front of the garage. The Land Rover is still there.)
DOCTOR: Oh, it's an ill wind. At least we've got some transport. Open that door, Sarah, will you?
(As the DOCTOR opens the passenger door of the Land Rover, SARAH tries the doors but they refuse to move.)
SARAH: They're jammed!
(The DOCTOR goes to help her. There is a screeching sound. SARAH gives out a slight scream as she looks up a wooden staircase and sees a large reptilian bird-like creature flying down towards them. It opens its mouth revealing a layer of sharp teeth. SARAH covers her head and the DOCTOR watches stunned as the creature flies over her. It then turns and starts to attack both him and SARAH. The DOCTOR tries to smash it away with the holdall.)
DOCTOR: Get out! (To SARAH.) Come on! In the van!
(They rush into the Land Rover. SARAH watches in horror as the creature flies at them and smashes through the driver's door window. It tries to tear at the DOCTOR'S arm as he tries to start the vehicle up.)
DOCTOR: Get out!
(He knocks it away from the window and struggles with the ignition. He finally starts the Land Rover up...)
[SCENE_BREAK]
24: EXT. GARAGE LOCK-UP
(...and drives straight through the garage doors.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
25: INT. SCHOOL CLASSROOM
(The temporary UNIT HQ has a visitor who is in animated discussion with the BRIGADIER. YATES and BENTON swap a look as YATES passes the SERGEANT a message paper.)
BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Sorry, sir, I can't agree to that.
GENERAL FINCH: I'm giving you a direct order, Brigadier.
(YATES walks past the two men. The visitor is a shortish thin-faced man with a moustache and wearing a GENERAL'S uniform.)
BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: With respect, sir, I cannot and will not allow troops under my command to open fire upon civilians.
GENERAL FINCH: These civilians are looters and central London is under martial law.
BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: What's happening is deplorable, sir, but may I remind you that looters are not our main problem? Shortage of observation patrols is.
GENERAL FINCH: The army has been stretched to its limits with the evacuation of eight million people.
BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: The evacuation is now complete, sir.
GENERAL FINCH: For you, perhaps, but not for us. All these wretched people have to be fed, sheltered, cared for...
(The BRIGADIER walks over to the board with the coloured pins.)
BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: But the front line's here, sir - in central London. It's more important to find the cause of this crisis than to deal with its effects.
GENERAL FINCH: Alright, but what are you doing about it?
BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Plotting the incidents as they occur and searching London to find their cause.
GENERAL FINCH: (Sneering.) Waiting for this mysterious scientific advisor of yours to turn up?
BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: That's right, sir.
GENERAL FINCH: Mmm. I suppose he'll just materialize out of thin air.
(The BRIGADIER'S eyes open a little at the accuracy of GENERAL FINCH'S comment.)
BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Very probably.
(Not understanding the BRIGADIER'S meaning, the GENERAL looks sharply at him.)
GENERAL FINCH: Very well, but while we're waiting for this Doctor of yours, you will obey my orders.
(The BRIGADIER sighs.)
GENERAL FINCH: You can have your extra patrols, Brigadier, but my instructions to them are that any looter who does not surrender immediately will be shot.
(FINCH goes.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
26: EXT. WAREHOUSE AREA
(A group of soldiers, led by CORPORAL NORTON, stand in the yard of a warehouse area. They carry heavy-duty guns. The Land Rover drives up with the DOCTOR and SARAH inside. They stop in front of the soldiers, get out and start to head towards them, but...)
CORPORAL NORTON: (Shouts.) Halt! Place your hands above your head!
(He shoots several shots into the air showing them that he means business.)
CORPORAL NORTON: (Shouts.) That will be your only warning! Raise your hands!
(The DOCTOR sighs. They both do as instructed.)
DOCTOR: Will you please tell me what's happening?
(NORTON and another soldier come forward and gesture with their guns.)
CORPORAL NORTON: Over there by the Land Rover.
(Their hands still raised, the DOCTOR and SARAH walk towards their vehicle.)
CORPORAL NORTON: Turn round, lean forward, hands against the side.
DOCTOR: Look, will you please tell me what's going on here?
CORPORAL NORTON: (Shouts.) Turn round!
(The two carry out the order.)
CORPORAL NORTON: (To the two soldiers.) Search their vehicle.
(One soldier runs to the back of the Land Rover and another to the drivers' seat while CORPORAL NORTON runs his hands up and down the prisoners searching for weapons. The soldiers return, one with PHILLIPS' holdall and the other with a pile of furs from the back.)
CORPORAL NORTON: You have had a busy day, haven't you?
(The DOCTOR turns and looks at NORTON, taking in his meaning...)
[SCENE_BREAK]
27: INT. DETENTION CENTRE
(The DOCTOR and SARAH have been taken to a church hall which serves as a temporary detention centre. Outside can be heard the sound of soldiers being drilled in the yard. SERGEANT DUFFY sits at a desk writing down details on a card of a swaggering young man - LODGE - who stands before him. The DOCTOR and SARAH stand behind, waiting their turn. Soldiers guard them.)
SERGEANT DUFFY: (To LODGE.) Right, you were arrested today, found looting in possession of two tape recorders, one radio and a colour television set. You will be held for military trial. Photographs.
(A soldier pushes LODGE away.)
SERGEANT DUFFY: Next!
(The DOCTOR and SARAH step forward, guarded by NORTON.)
SERGEANT DUFFY: Names?
DOCTOR: Now, if I can have a word with someone in author...
SERGEANT DUFFY: Names!
SARAH: Sarah Jane Smith.
SERGEANT DUFFY: (To the DOCTOR.) Name?
DOCTOR: Doctor John Smith. No relation.
(DUFFY, having written this down, glances between the young girl and the older man.)
SERGEANT DUFFY: (To SARAH.) Age?
SARAH: Twenty-three.
SERGEANT DUFFY: (To DOCTOR.) Age?
DOCTOR: You'd never believe me.
(SARAH sniggers. DUFFY looks up at the DOCTOR and then writes on the card.)
SERGEANT DUFFY: (To NORTON.) Offence?
CORPORAL NORTON: Looting furs, jewels and money.
SERGEANT DUFFY: Right, you'll be held for military trial. Over there for photographs.
SARAH: But why are the military running everything...?
DOCTOR: (Interrupts.) Come on, Sarah. Let's go and have our photos taken, shall we?
(They walk over to where LODGE is finishing being processed. A young soldier stands behind a camera. The DOCTOR looks at the equipment.)
DOCTOR: Oh, deary me, that's very antiquated equipment, isn't it?
(He stands in front of the camera.)
DOCTOR: I'll think you'll find that the right is my best side.
(He turns and puts on a wide grin for the shot. NORTON steps forward with a small blackboard.)
CORPORAL NORTON: Shut up and hold that in front of you.
DOCTOR: Oh, all right.
(The DOCTOR faces the camera with the board. "DETENTION CENTRE: 5" has been painted on the edge of the board and "PRISONER: 177781" scrawled on it in chalk. He smiles as the photograph is taken. Then NORTON turns him sideways and another photo is taken as SARAH watches smiling.)
CORPORAL NORTON: (To SARAH) Now you.
(Making a mockery of the routine, the DOCTOR bows to SARAH to stand in his place.)
SARAH: Thank you!
(Taking her cue from the DOCTOR, she stands before the camera with a broad and happy smile. The DOCTOR looks over the soldier photographer's shoulder with a sneering look at the equipment as NORTON passes the slightly amended board to SARAH. The number now reads "177782". She smiles as the front and right profile pictures are taken. Then the DOCTOR steps forward and puts his arm round her.)
DOCTOR: Now, what about one of both of us? (To NORTON.) Come and join in!
(An impatient NORTON jabs a thumb over his shoulder.)
CORPORAL NORTON: Over there.
(He escorts them over to where LODGE is sat on the floor in front of the curtained stage of the hall, guarded by a soldier.)
CORPORAL NORTON: Down there.
(SARAH is about to obey the command but the DOCTOR yanks her to her feet.)
SARAH: Hmm?
CORPORAL NORTON: On the floor.
DOCTOR: No we'd rather stand, if you don't mind?
CORPORAL NORTON: Sit down!
(SARAH gestures to the DOCTOR to look behind him. He does so and exclaims with pleasure...)
DOCTOR: Oh!
(There are a pile of fold-up chairs. He takes one, sets it up and gives it to SARAH.)
DOCTOR: What a good idea. There we are.
(Then he takes one for himself and sits.)
DOCTOR: That's better.
(NORTON, having had enough of the two, speaks with some impatience to the other soldier.)
CORPORAL NORTON: Keep 'em quiet.
SOLDIER: Right.
(He moves off.)
SARAH: (To the DOCTOR.) What do we do now?
DOCTOR: Wait for the officer to turn up. Maybe we can get some sense out of him.
SARAH: What on earth's going on? What's happening?
DOCTOR: I've no idea.
(He looks down at LODGE.)
DOCTOR: Maybe this gentleman here can enlighten us. (To LODGE.) How do you do, sir? I'm the Doctor.
LODGE: (Sneers.) You've got nothin' to be cheerful about. There's no judge and jury now, mate - military law.
SARAH: But why?
LODGE: Where've you been? Because of the monsters!
(The DOCTOR and SARAH look at each other in puzzlement.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
28: EXT. ROAD
(A building collapses outwards as something large within starts to push its way out - it is a large roaring Tyrannosaurus Rex. Nearby are some UNIT Soldiers, one of whom is reporting into a radio in their jeep as his colleagues fire round after round at the dinosaur.)
R/T SOLDIER: (Into radio.) It's coming straight for us, sir, and we're trapped.
(Within the remains of the building, the Tyrannosaurus rears up.)
R/T SOLDIER: (Into radio.) Same as usual. The bullets won't do any good. We're gonna try and turn it with the grenades.
(The dinosaur roars again. A soldier throws a grenade towards it and they all get down on the floor. The grenade explodes directly in front of the reptile. The R/T SOLDIER goes back to the jeep and the radio.)
R/T SOLDIER: (Into radio.) It's working, sir. Seems to be moving off.
(The Tyrannosaurus lumbers off down the road, knocking down a lamp post as it does so.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
29: INT. SCHOOL CLASSROOM
(The message is picked up by PRIVATE OGDEN at the temporary UNIT HQ but the message fades in and out of a strange kind of static.)
R/T SOLDIER: (OOV: Over radio.) It's running away now, sir...
(The message fades out and in again...)
R/T SOLDIER: (OOV: Over radio.) ...in the direction of...
(The message totally dissolves. OGDEN switches the set off and turns to the BRIGADIER and BENTON who have been listening.)
PRIVATE OGDEN: It's gone again. Happens every time, sir. Whenever we get a sight, the R/T reception's diabolical.
BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Yes, I'm well aware of that.
(He walks off. BENTON follows.)
SERGEANT BENTON: Yes, sir, but there must be some connection. Whatever's causing the monsters is causing the interference.
BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: (Sarcastically.) The thought had occurred to me, Benton, but since we don't know what's causing either we're not really much the wiser.
(A soldier walks in and puts two large envelopes down on the table. The BRIGADIER picks them up and passes one to BENTON.)
BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Latest batch of looters. File them.
SERGEANT BENTON: Right, sir.
(The BRIGADIER opens the other envelope and reads the memo within.)
BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Hmm. Another message from the government here telling us to make sure that law and order's maintained in the evacuative zone. They seem to have forgotten the main problem.
(BENTON, sat on the edge of a trestle table, is looking through the looter's photographs.)
SERGEANT BENTON: Yes, well, it's alright for them - stuck safe and sound up in Harrogate.
(The soldier at the typewriter is looking over BENTON'S shoulder at the photographs.)
SERGEANT BENTON: A scruffy looking bunch we've got here.
SOLDIER: You can say that again.
(Suddenly BENTON crosses to the BRIGADIER'S desk with the photographs.)
SERGEANT BENTON: Hey sir, look!
BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: What?
(BENTON passes him one.)
BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Good grief!
(It is the two pictures of the DOCTOR grinning amiably. The BRIGADIER reads the caption underneath.)
BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: "Looter charged with stolen furs, jewellery and money"?
(BENTON hands the BRIGADIER a second card.)
SERGEANT BENTON: And there's one of that journalist girl - Sarah Jane Smith.
(The BRIGADIER reads this.)
BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: They're being held at number five reception centre. Ogden, number five reception - get them on the RT will you?
(OGDEN tries but only gets the strange static again as the BRIGADIER and BENTON cross to him.)
PRIVATE OGDEN: No good, sir.
BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Oh right, I'll go there myself. Get my jeep, will you?
SERGEANT BENTON: There's a planning conference for General Finch in ten minutes, sir. Well, shall I go?
BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: (Thinks.) No, you'd better stay here. Send a dispatch rider and get them brought here as quickly as possible.
SERGEANT BENTON: Right, sir.
(BENTON moves off to carry out the order as the BRIGADIER continues looking at the photos.)
BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Typical, absolutely typical. (Impatiently.) What is the man playing at?!
[SCENE_BREAK]
30: INT. DETENTION CENTRE
(The DOCTOR sits on his fold-up chair, his eyes closed as though asleep. LODGE, sat on the floor at his feet, looks at him strangely. He then looks at the soldier on guard, who is leafing through a magazine and not paying much attention to them. A helicopter is heard flying over the hall. LODGE hisses at SARAH.)
SARAH: Mmm?
(Seeing that LODGE wants their attention, she nudges the DOCTOR.)
SARAH: (Quietly.) Doctor?
(The DOCTOR wakes and sees that LODGE wants him.)
DOCTOR: Yes?
LODGE: (Quietly.) There's only him. We could make a break for it.
SARAH: (Quietly.) And get ourselves shot?
LODGE: (Quietly.) You know what they'll do with us?
DOCTOR: (Quietly.) No, do you?
LODGE: (Quietly.) Twenty years in some detention camp.
(They hear a vehicle drawing up outside.)
LODGE: (Quietly.) Look, with a bit of luck we could get out of here. What do you reckon?
(The DOCTOR looks at the soldier, considers his options and then smiles down at LODGE.)
DOCTOR: (Quietly.) No, thank you very much.
(He is about to fall asleep again but hears footsteps. He watches as SERGEANT DUFFY comes back into the hall with a uniformed officer - LIEUTENANT SHEARS. DUFFY shouts down at the three prisoners.)
SERGEANT DUFFY: Right, on your feet!
(SHEARS crosses to the desk and sits behind it as the three stand. DUFFY stands to the side of the desk and picks up a file of papers.)
SERGEANT DUFFY: Prisoners forward.
(LODGE swaggers forward smiling, with the DOCTOR and SARAH following.)
SERGEANT DUFFY: Prisoner's numbers one-seven-double-seven-eight-o, one-seven-double-seven-eight-one and one-seven-double-seven-eight-two, sir.
DOCTOR: We do have names, you know?
LIEUTENANT SHEARS: Just these three, Sergeant?
SERGEANT DUFFY: Yes, sir.
LIEUTENANT SHEARS: Alright, let's get on with it. I have to be back at HQ in ten minutes time. Evidence?
(DUFFY consults his file and points at LODGE.)
SERGEANT DUFFY: Seven-eight-o, Lodge, sir. Caught in possession of two tape recorders, one radio and a colour television set.
LIEUTENANT SHEARS: (To LODGE) Anything to say?
LODGE: Well, yes! I, er, found the stuff see. I was going to hand it in.
LIEUTENANT SHEARS: You've been found guilty of looting.
(SHEARS rubber-stamps a form and signs it.)
LIEUTENANT SHEARS: Under the authority vested in me by the Emergency Powers Act, I'm issuing an order that you'll be held in a military detention centre for the duration of the emergency. You'll be handed over to the civil authorities for trial and sentence when time permits. Next!
(LODGE is pulled away by the soldier guard and the DOCTOR and SARAH step forward.)
SERGEANT DUFFY: Seven-eight-one and seven-eight-two were caught together, sir, in possession of furs, jewels and stolen money.
LIEUTENANT SHEARS: Were they now?
SERGEANT DUFFY: Yes, sir.
LIEUTENANT SHEARS: Anything to say?
SARAH: We found those things after someone else had stolen them.
LIEUTENANT SHEARS: And you were gonna hand them in?
SARAH: Yes.
LIEUTENANT SHEARS: Very original. You've been found guilty of looting.
DOCTOR: Now just one moment...
SERGEANT DUFFY: Keep quiet!
LIEUTENANT SHEARS: Well, what is it?
DOCTOR: Sir, I am the scientific advisor to UNIT and I demand to be put in immediate touch with Brigadier Lethbridge Stewart.
LIEUTENANT SHEARS: I suppose he's an old friend of yours?
DOCTOR: Yes, as a matter of fact he is.
LIEUTENANT SHEARS: How very interesting. You've been found guilty of looting.
(He stamps on their papers and signs them.)
LIEUTENANT SHEARS: Under the authority vested in me by the Emergency Powers Act, I'm issuing an order that you'll be held in a military detention centre for the duration of the emergency. You will be handed over to the civil authorities for trial and sentence when time permits. (To DUFFY.) Put them on the next transport for detention centre, will you?
SERGEANT DUFFY: Sir.
(SHEARS passes him the papers.)
LIEUTENANT SHEARS: I must be off.
(SHEARS gets up to leave and DUFFY salutes.)
SERGEANT DUFFY: Attention!
LIEUTENANT SHEARS: Carry on, Sergeant.
(The "hearing" over, SHEARS walks out.)
SERGEANT DUFFY: Right, back over there.
(He points back to the fold-up chairs and the DOCTOR and SARAH go back to their place next to LODGE.)
LODGE: See? I told ya! Stuck in a detention camp for months. In prison!
SARAH: What are we going to do, Doctor? Nobody will listen to us.
(The DOCTOR looks at the soldier on guard who is reading the magazine again.)
DOCTOR: (To LODGE, quietly.) Tell me, my friend - what was that idea that you had about escaping?
LODGE: (Quietly.) Well, there's three of us - we could jump him.
DOCTOR: (Quietly.) Well, I think we can be a bit more original than that, can't we?
LODGE: (Quietly.) Oh, so what do we do, then?
DOCTOR: (Quietly.) We have a fight.
LODGE: Eh?
(The DOCTOR jabs a finger at him, raises his voice and speaks in an attempt at a cockney accent.)
DOCTOR: You're the nark, aren't ya? It was you wot grassed on us!
LODGE: (Shouts.) I never grassed in my life!
DOCTOR: Yes you did! Come on! On ya feet! Come on, up!
(The two stand.)
LODGE: Alright then, you great dressed up twit, you asked for it!
(LODGE throws a real punch which the DOCTOR blocks.)
DOCTOR: (Whispers.) Steady!
(The two exchange a couple of blows and LODGE grabs the DOCTOR round the neck.)
SARAH: Guard, stop them! You wanna stop them!
(The soldier comes running forward.)
SOLDIER: Break it up! Break it up!
(He forces them apart with his gun. The DOCTOR clamps the soldier on the neck with a nerve pinch and he slumps to the ground as LODGE takes the gun.)
LODGE: (Puzzled.) What did you do?
DOCTOR: Never mind that now. Come on, let's get out of here.
(LODGE holds the gun up at them.)
LODGE: Ah no - Not you. You go that way.
SARAH: But...we'll run straight into the soldiers!
LODGE: Yeah, an' while they're busy with you, I'll get away.
DOCTOR: Oh, so much for honour amongst thieves.
(With a cry, he kicks LODGE using his Venusian aikido. The gun flies out of the looter's hand and the DOCTOR throws him onto the stage where he falls unconscious.)
DOCTOR: Come on, quick! Out of here! Come on!
(They run out of the back door.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
31: EXT. DETENTION CENTRE
(They run down a pathway between the back of the building and a fence. Reaching the end of the path, they see an empty army Land Rover on the road. They get inside the vehicle and the DOCTOR searches around the dashboard.)
SARAH: What are you looking for?
DOCTOR: A piece of wire to jump the ignition. I'll try in the back.
(He climbs out of the Land Rover, but CORPORAL NORTON, his gun raised, and another soldier are stood there.)
CORPORAL NORTON: (Smiles.) Ready for the detention centre?
(The DOCTOR sighs, smiles and folds his arms.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
32: EXT. SUBURBAN ROAD
(The Land Rover turns a corner and drives down a suburban road.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
33: INT. LAND ROVER
(The DOCTOR and SARAH are handcuffed to each other in the back.)
SARAH: Honestly, Doctor!
DOCTOR: And how was I to know it was detention centre transport?
(SARAH laughs.)
SARAH: Oh well, I can see us being locked up for months - sewing mail bags probably. I mean, let's face it - nobody's listened to us so far.
(The vehicle suddenly stops, throwing the two slightly. There is a loud roaring sound. The two look at each other and move to the back from where they can peer through the tarpaulin cover.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
34: EXT. ROAD
(They look in shock as they see a roaring Tyrannosaurus rearing up above the vehicle.) | Plan: A: The Doctor and Sarah return; Q: Who returns to London in the present day? A: the city; Q: What is strangely deserted when The Doctor and Sarah return to London? A: nearby UNIT; Q: Who is dealing with a series of monster appearances? Summary: The Doctor and Sarah return to London in the present day only to find the city strangely deserted, while nearby UNIT are dealing with a series of monster appearances. |
HIGH SCHOOL - GYMNASIUM - AFTERNOON
The cheerleaders repeat as diligent eye of Sue.
Captain : Go! Five, six, seven!....Five, six, seven! Five, six, seven! For his part, Quinn, unfortunately, is watching in the stands when the Finn joined.
Captain : One, two, three, four! ...Five, six, seven!....Five, six, seven, eight! Finn sitting next to Quinn.
Finn : You shouldn't do this to yourself.
Quinn : Do what?
Finn : ....I know how much it hurts to be off the team. You're just torturing yourself watching.
Quinn : I need a good distraction.
Finn : From what?
Quinn out an envelope from her bag and hands it to Finn who reads it.
Finn : $685?
Quinn : That's how much a sonogram costs. This is just the beginning. There's gonna be more doctors' visits... vitamins, new clothes for when I explode.
Finn : What are we gonna do?
Quinn : What are you gonna do?
Finn : Well, I'm looking for a job. I mean, no one's hiring. I almost got in at Olive Garden, but they said I was too tall to be a busboy.
Quinn : Somewhere in that pea brain of yours... is a man. Access him and tell him to prove to me that I chose the right guy to have a baby with.
Finn : I will. (Quinn rising) I'll...I'll find a job. You can count on me, I swear. (Quinn approve.) Where...Where are you goin' ?
Quinn : You were right. This does hurt too much.
Quinn goes. For its part, Sue is interviewed by Jacob during his workout.
Jacob : My blog has lit up with comments suggesting... you don't have a shot at nationals since you lost Quinn Fabray.
Sue : No, the Cheerios are stronger than ever. We're gonna take nationals with this routine.
Jacob : Oh!...
Sue and Jacob laying Cheerleaders. Suddenly, Sue takes the megaphone.
Sue (To megaphone) : Mediocre!
Jacob : Yeah!
Sue (To megaphone) : Hit the showers!
The Cheerleaders go and Sue followed by Jacob.
HIGH SCHOOL - CORRIDOR - AFTERNOON
Jacob : I have several sources reporting Quinn didn't wanna leave... but you kicked her out because of the pregnancy scandal.
Sue : Well, Jacob, this is Ohio, and in order to win... my Cheerios need to appeal to that panel of judges. So if I have a pregnant girl doing a handspring into a double layout... the judges aren't going to be admiring her impeccable form. They're going to be wondering if the centrifugal force... is going to make the baby's head start crowning. Oh, and by the way, all this... off the record.
Sue recovering the tape.
Sue : Probably should've told you that earlier. Sue leaves. While on their side, Will and walks through the main corridors in office management Figgins.
Will : This isn't fair, Figgins.
Figgins : Is it fair that... I have to stop providing the baseball team with protective cups? I only get a certain amount of dollars a year to spend, William.
Will : Yeah, but Artie...
Figgins : ...He's used to overcoming challenges. He'll just have to find his own ride to sectionals. That "handicapable" bus costs $600 a week to rent. We can't afford it.
Will and Figgins entering the office.
HIGH SCHOOL - MAIN OFFICE - AFTERNOON
Will : Oh! But there's enough money in the budget... to fly the Cheerios all over the country for their competitions?
Figgins : Sue Sylvester has boosters that write fat checks. None of her travel expenses come out of the school budget.
Will : Look. When I was in the Glee Club... the best part of the compétitions was the bus ride to the event. It was about camaraderie and supporting each other.
Figgins : You think I feel good about this?
Will : Well, my students won't stand for it.
Figgins : That's very moving, but my hands are tied, Schue. If you want that bus, you're gonna have to find a way to pay for it yourself.
Wil goes annoyed.
GENERIC
HIGH SCHOOL - ROOM REPEAT - AFTERNOON
Ringtone - Tina watching Artie, who rebuilt his shoelace. For their part, Finn and Quinn chatting in a corner of the bleachers.
Quinn : What about Target?
Finn : Tried. Not hiring.
Quinn : Another doctor bill came to my parents' house last night, Finn. We're lucky that I'm clever and intercepted it. But we have to start paying these doctors' bills... or they're gonna go to a collection agency. And then my parents are gonna find out that I'm with child... your child.
Puck listen away annoyed. Suddenly, Will enters.
Will : All right, guys. We're doin' a new number for sectionals. I know that pop songs have sort of been our signature pieces. (Distributing partitions.) But I did a little research on past winners... and it turns out that the judges like songs that are more accessible. Stuff they know. (The Cast is disappointed.) Uh, standards, Broadway.
Kurt : (Smiling) "Defying Gravity"? I have an iPod shuffle... dedicated exclusively to selections from « Wicked. » This is amazing.
Will : (Fixing Rachel) Think you can handle it, Rachel?
Rachel : It's my go-to shower song. It's also my ringtone.
Mercedes : Why do we have to go all vanilla on this song? See, what we need is my chocolate thunder.
Cast : Yeah! It's clear.
Will : We don't have time to rearrange the song for you, Mercedes. Rachel is singing it. Don't worry. We'll find something for you to dip in chocolate. (laughing followed by the Cast.) On to item two. The school won't pay for the special bus we need... to take Artie and his wheelchair with us to sectionals.
Tina : Wh...Wh...What?
Rachel : That's completely unfair.
Will : So, we're gonna have to raise money to pay for it ourselves. See, when I was in Glee Club and we needed new silk cummerbunds for regionals... we held a bake sale.
Cast : Euh!.... No.
Santana : Wait. You're joking, right? I mean, bake sales are kind of "bougie."
Will : So hip people stopped eating delicious sugary treats?
Brittany : It's not that. It's most of us don't know how to bake. I find recipes confusing.
Rachel : My family's fully committed to takeout.
Finn : Yeah, Mr. Schue. Kids are busier than when you went here. We've got homework and football and teen pregnancy, lunch.
Mercedes : Can't Artie's dad just take him?
Will : (Dissatisfied) I can't believe how insensitive you're all being. Are you a team?
Quinn : Of course. But Artie understands. Don't you, Artie?
Artie : Of...Of course. It...It's cool. I mean, anything that takes away our time from rehearsing doesn't serve as a team.
Wil is very disappointed. Suddenly, the alarm sounds, all students except Artie out trying to do his shoelaces.
Will : Let me help you out, buddy. Will makes his shoelace.
Artie : Thank you.
Will : Hey, I'm really sorry about how they all reacted, Artie.
Artie : It's okay. I'm used to it. They just... don't get it. (Will look him) Can I use the auditorium this afternoon to rehearse, Mr. Schue? Some of the band equipment's in there.
Will : (Smiling) Sure.
Artie goes away leaving Will saddened.
HIGH SCHOOL - AUDITORIUM - AFTERNOON
Artie alone, repeating a song close to his heart.
Artie - Song : Dancing with myself Suddenly, Will observes away perplexed.
HIGH SCHOOL - ROOM REPEAT - AFTERNOON
Ringing - The cast gathers for a new Repetition.
Kurt : I have something I'd like to say. (Rising) I wanna audition for the « Wicked » solo.
Cast : Waouh!
Rachel is very unhappy.
Will : Kurt, there's a high "F" in it.
Kurt : That's well within my range.
Cast : Who!....Oh!...
Will : Well, I think Rachel's gonna be fine for the female lead. But I'm happy to have you try out something else, Kurt. And we'll make sure that it's got a killer high note.
Cast : Ah! Yeah!
Kurt, disappointed, then sits down.
Mercedes : You tried.
Will : Anyway... I wanted to say something to you guys. I was a little disappointed at how you were all so willing... to take the bus together to sectionals... and make Artie drive by himself with his dad. We're a team, guys. We're in this Glee Club together.
Mercedes : Artie doesn't care. His dad drives him everywhere.
Artie : I do care. That kind of hurt my feelings.
Rachel : We didn't think you would take it personally.
Artie : Well, you're irritating most of the time, but don't take that personally.
All the cast including Will laughs.
Will : I don't know if you guys really understand how much harder...Artie has to work just to keep up.
Artie : Preach.
Will : We're riding to sectionals together...or we're not going at all. And to pay for the bus, we're having a bake sale.
Cast : Oh!....
The cast is disappointed.
Puck : Bake sale. Suddenly, the wheelchair into the room with the help of Will.
Will : St. Ignatius nursing home was having a tag sale. And my A.V. Club friends here agreed to help out. Artie smiles as the cast disillusioned.
Will : ....For the next week, each of you is going to spend... three hours a day in a wheelchair.
Cast : Arg.!....
Will : And we're doing a wheelchair number.
Will applauded in front of students except Artie irritated him smiling.
SCHOOL - MORNING
All students in the Glee Club in wheelchair forced to walk in high school. He meets all the difficulties that daily cross Artie.
HIGH SCHOOL - KITCHEN - AFTERNOON
Quinn making cakes when Puck enters.
Puck : I didn't even know we had a home ec room. What's all this?
Quinn : Ingredients for cupcakes... for the stupid bake sale.
Puck putting tickets in the hands of Quinn.
Quinn : ...What's this?
Puck : It's what I had left over from my pool cleaning money... after I bought dip and nunchakus. I was getting that you kind of need money... for our kid.
Quinn : For my kid.(Puck sigh) Eighteen dollars.
Puck : How much has Finn given you?
Quinn : Just stop. I told you before. I don't care if that baby comes out with a Mohawk. I will go to my grave swearing it's Finn's.
Quinn, annoyed, giving it money.
Puck : It would be pretty awesome if it came out with a Mohawk. Quinn laughing.
Quinn : You are such an egghead.
Puck : I'm not.
Quinn fixing it, then it takes an egg and crushes it on the head.
Puck : Oh!...Ok.... Quinn laughs, then he Puck balance of flour to the face. Then they both balance each other ingredients in figure laughing like two kids.
Puck : Ok....Ah!...
Quinn : No....That was perfectly measured! There you go. Oh!
Puck : No....Come on. Oh!
Suddenly, Finn emerges amidst this bazard surprised.
Finn : What the hell?
Quinn : (uncomfortable) ...We're baking.
Finn : I can see that.
Puck : I'm gonna go change.
Puck goes in front of Finn pensive.
GARAGE - AFTERNOON
Mr. Hummel opened the box of donuts in front of Kurt saddened seated
Mr Hummel : Where's my jelly cream center?
Kurt : Sorry, Dad. I must've forgotten.
Mr Hummel : What's up with your brain today? You know, I think it's goin' soft from all that crap you put in your hair.
Her father takes a donut and sat facing him.
Kurt : It's organic, and I'm fine. I'm sorry. It's a Glee Club thing.
Mr Hummel : It's not about a guy, is it? Because I'm not ready to have that conversation.
Kurt : Well, at least you don't have to worry about me getting someone pregnant.
Kurt laughs in his face terrified face of his father.
Kurt : ....It's not a guy. We're doing this amazing song for sectionals... a personal favorite of mine, and Mr. Schuester won't give me a chance to sing it.
Mr Hummel : Why?
Kurt : It's traditionally sung by a girl.
Mr Hummel : Well, you sing like a girl. You know, in a good way. (Kurt approves) Look, Kurt. I don't know how this music stuff works. I'm pretty exclusively committed to my Mellencamp collection, but... isn't there more crossover nowadays? You know, chicks doin' construction? Guys wearin' dress shoes with no socks? Didn't that girl from your high school just join the boys' wrestling team?
[Flashback]
HIGH SCHOOL - GYMNASIUM - AFTERNOON
A wrestling match where the girl's school wins against a boy.
Girl : Yes! Whoo!
[Back to reality]
Kurt reflecting on what his father has told him.
Kurt : Yes, but her parents had to sue the school.
Mr Hummel : This is really gettin' you down, isn't it?
Kurt : I'm... full of ennui.
Mr Hummel : So it's... really getting you down?
Kurt, unhappy, agrees.
Kurt : Yes.
HIGH SCHOOL - PARALLEL BETWEEN THE OFFICE OF THE DIRECTOR AND THE RECOVERY ROOM - AFTERNOON
Mr Hummel, furious, sits opposite the principal's office, perplexed, and Will, surprised.
Mr Hummel : You can't discriminate against my kid because of his s*x... religion, political affiliation... or the fact that he's queer as a three-dollar bill. And I won't accept it.
Figgins : This isn't academics or athletics, Mr. Hummel. It's an arts program, and Mr. Schuester's judgments are subjective.
Mr Hummel : You put on a blindfold and listen to my kid sing... and you will swear you're hearing Ronnie Spector.
Will : Wait...
Will touching his arm, but Mr. Hummel pushes too furious.
Mr Hummel : Don't try to backpedal on this, Schuester.
Will : I was just going to agree with you.
Will a few moments after explaining the situation to Rachel.
Will : I know this is gonna be hard on you, Rachel... but I can't in good conscience preach about the importance of helping Artie... and then reject Kurt's request out of hand.
Rachel : So you're giving him my part?
In the principal's office, Will says to Mr. Hummel's point of view.
Will : Now, I can't just give him the part. That would be just as wrong. But I can let him audition.
Mr Hummel : What do you mean, like a tryout? All right, that seems fair.
Moments later, Will continuing to talk with Rachel, who is furious.
Rachel : This is totally unfair. You gave me the part.
Will : And I will give it to you again if you can sing the song better than Kurt.
Rachel is angry. While in office, Mr. Hummel is more relaxed.
Mr Hummel : Okay, this seems like a reasonable deal. But how do I know this isn't just some show... to stop me from takin' a flamethrower to this place? Will and Figgins are bewildered by the lack of understanding of Mr. Hummel.
Mr Hummel : ...Who's gonna judge? Moments later,Will explaining the Glee Club his views.
Will : Now, all of you are gonna judge. And in the spirit of full access, each of you is going to get a vote. Whatever singer has the most votes gets the part.
Rachel : This isn't gonna be about talent, Mr. Schuester. It's gonna be a popularity contest.
Kurt : Stop right there. Mr. Schue, if I may?
Will approve while Kurt, wheelchair, gets compared to other students.
Kurt : We all know I'm more popular than Rachel. And I dress better than her. But I want you all to promise me that you're going to vote for whoever sings the song better. Raise your right hand. All the cast runs.
Kurt : Your right hand, Brittany.
Santana : It's this one.
Brittany : Oh! Sorry
Kurt : Repeat after me. I promise to vote for whoever sings the song better.
Cast : I promise to vote for whoever sings the song better.
Will : Good luck.
Rachel is upset and angry face Kurt confident.
Kurt : It's on.
Mercedes : Yeah!
Ringtone - Kurt joined Mercedes, happy.
Will : All right, guys. All pupils leave except Rachel, disappointed that crashes before Will.
Rachel : Maybe one of these days, you'll find a way... to create teaching moments without ruining my life. Rachel goes in a wheelchair with difficulty under the terrified eyes of Will.
HIGH SCHOOL - DIRECTOR'S OFFICE - MORNING
Figgins, happy, talks with Will and Sue.
Figgins : Schue, I saw all your kids in their wheelchairs, and I was very impressed.
Will : Well, thank you, Principal Figgins. But actually... it's made me realize that there's only one wheelchair entrance in this school... and it's all the way in the far end of campus. McKinley needs ramps.
Sue : No way. Those are what I call "lazy makers." They discourage our able-bodied students... from getting their proper exercise by using the stairs.
Will : What is she doing here?
Sue : Yes. What am I doing here? I have a Cheerios routine to polis that's gonna clinch us nationals.
Figgins : I brought you two in here because both of you have a point. Handicapped ramps are expensive, but inspiration is free. Will, I'm so inspired by your stunt... that I'm insisting that Miss Sylvester do the same with the Cheerios.
Sue : I beg your pardon?
Figgins : Cheerios is not accessible, Sue. It's by invitation only. I want to see a squad that reflets our community's diversity. Now, Glee Club held open auditions.
Sue : And everyone got in.
Figgins : Now that Quinn Fabray is off the squad... you will hold open auditions to fill her slot. And Mr. Schuester will monitor them to make sure that they're fair to all.
Will is surprised when Sue was furious.
Sue : Okay, let me break this down for you here. There comes a point when you've gotta stop seeing people for what they look like... and ask them to show you what they can do. And as soon as a cheerleader rolls herself out onto the field in a wheelchair... she becomes decidedly less effective at cheering people up. It's just a fact.
Figgins : No, Sue. The fact is, you've never given other students the fair shake that they deserve. I'm asking you to try it. (Sue the intensely fixed) What do you have to lose? Maybe somebody at the school will surprise you.
Sue does not know what to say.
HIGH SCHOOL - ROOM LUNCH - NOON
The Glee Club is trying to sell cakes with a stand little frequented.
Finn : Cupcake? ...(Feeling the cake)Oh!Cupcakes suck. That's why we're not selling any.
Quinn : It's not about the cupcakes. It's about us. Nobody wants to buy from losers. We're in Glee Club and in wheelchairs.
Puck : She has a point. Six months ago... I could've sold 50 of these things on fear alone.
Suddenly, Brittany approached their booth with a classmate with a disability. Quinn setting the scene with fury.
Quinn : Oh, my God. What is she doing?
Finn : I actually think they're kind of friends.
Puck : Brittany's always cheating off her test papers in math class.
Brittany, smiling, is in front of their booth with her friend.
Brittany : See so many? And look how pretty they are, Becky.
Becky : Wow!
Santana : Brittany, you're supposed to be in your wheelchair.
Brittany : I lost it.
Becky fixing Santana.
Becky : Are you a cheerleader? It's so cool.
Brittany : So is buying a cupcake. That's really cool.
Becky : But I don't have any money.
Brittany : That's okay. I have some.
Brittany out his wallet and gave him a dollar. Then Becky hands it to Santana.
Santana : Thank you. Santana the queue to Quinn who tends to Puck who falls into the pot.Then Brittany takes a Cupcake and gives it to Becky.
Becky : Thanks. Becky goes.
Brittany : So how much do we have now?
Finn : Well, with this one dollar, we have one dollar.
Quinn : This is ridiculous.
Finn : Maybe if we put a jellybean on top, we'd sell more.
Quinn : Are you an idiot? How am I supposed to trust you to take care of our baby... when you can't even figure out how to sell a damn cupcake?
Finn : Stop attacking me. I'm sick of it.
Quinn : Get a job.
Finn, furious, rise.
Finn : (Screaming) I'm trying! (swinging his wheelchair.) Stupid wheelchair! Finn, angry, leaves.
Quinn : Good. Quinn goes with difficulty because of his wheelchair while Puck smiled.
HIGH SCHOOL - GYMNASIUM - AFTERNOON
Sue and Will, sitting, waiting to audition candidates.
Sue : I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing here.
Will : You just call a name. They come in and try out. Just give 'em a chance to express themselves.
Sue : I'm about to projectile express myself all over your Hush Puppies.
Candidates between the As.
Mercedes : McKinley! Hey, hey! McKinley!
Sue : No....No....You're not serious, are you? Tell me you're not serious. No! No friggin' way, Jacob. ...Freak! Okay, I've been at this for an hour. That's all I promised.
Will : Sue, there's just one more person on the list. Give her a shot.
Sue : Becky Johnson.
Will : Jackson.
Sue : Jackson.
Becky enters with her ??skipping rope. Will anxiously trying to calm Sue.
Will : Be nice, Sue.
Becky : I heard that you do a routine with jump ropes. I wanted to show you what I could do.
Becky running a number of rope skipping quite awkward.
Sue : Becky, I'm gonna stop you right there. You're in. Be at practice tomorrow at 4:00 p.m. Congratulations. Becky, happy, smiles while Will is surprised and stunned. Becky goes.
Will : What are you up to, Sue?
Sue : I'm just following orders, Will. I'm doing what I was told. And I found myself a brand-new Cheerio.
Sue rises.
Will : You're up to something. Sue goes away without answering.
Will : .... I don't like this, Sue. Will alone, sighs of concern.
HIGH SCHOOL - HALLWAY - MORNING
Puck and finn rides his chair.
Puck : I'm just saying, she has a point. You are kind of an idiot.
Finn : Nice support, dude. Whatever happened to "bros before ho's"?
Puck : You've got a baby on the way, bro, and you haven't done spit to take care of it.
Finn : Like you'd do any different?
Puck : Damn straight.
Finn : How? Nobody's hiring.
Puck : Sell your Xbox. Rob a bank. Go all Robin Hood on this joint. Whatever it takes.
Finn is desperate while Puck is furious and he gets in his way.
Puck : .... All I ever hear is you whining and crying about how hard this is on you. What about her?
Finn : Dude, you are so out of line. You don't know what I'm dealing with.
Puck : All I know is that you're a punk who dosent deserve to have Quinn as his girlfriend!
Finn, in anger, shaking.
Finn : You're a punk! Puck, furious, he swings a chair shot. Finn reply. Then both jumping on top of one another and bumping. Suddenly, Will appears and separates them.
Will : Hey, hey! Break it up! Break it up! Come on! Hey...
Puck : He started it!
Will : I don't care! Now. You...You guys are best friends. What the hell's goin' on?
Puck : I'm just really stressed about the bake sale.
Will is surprised and puzzled.
Puck : ....I really like Artie, okay? (Sighing) Puck goes away leaving Will Finn annoyed face stunned.
Will : (Sighing) ...You okay? Finn, in reply, sighing.
HIGH SCHOOL - AUDITORIUM - AFTERNOON
Artie front of other students are shown how to use their chairs to dance.
Artie : The key to a double turn is to just go for it. You push with the right wheel, and pull as hard as you can with the left... and find a spot on the wall to spot you so you don't get dizzy. Artie followed by the other performs the exercise.
Cast : Whoo!
Will : Okay, guys. Uh, take five, all right? Oh! Remember to show up early on Thursday. It's Rachel versus Kurt for the big solo.
Kurt and Rachel set a bad eye.
Cast : Whou!... Students leave with Finn in particular difficulty which abuts the chair of Quinn under the stern gaze of Artie.
Artie : Careful. Respect the chair. Everyone got out except for Tina who stops at Artie smiling.
Tina : I really admire you, Artie. Artie smiles and laughs.
Tina : I had no idea how difficult this was.
Artie : It's just like you with your stutter. You don't really notice it after a while.
Tina : H...H...How did it happen? You don't talk about it.
Artie : My mom and I got in a really bad car accident when I was eight. And she was fine, but I've been in the chair ever since.
Tina is surprised by these revelations.
Artie : ....But I wanna be very clear. I still have the use of my pen1s. Tina goes Artie leaving disappointed.
Artie : Oh, God.
HIGH SCHOOL - ROOM REPEAT - MORNING
Kurt, only repeating the piano. Then he trains with vocal. He managed a score very acute and is proud of him.
GARAGE - MORNING
Mr Hummel, with a client when the phone rings.
Mr Hummel : Excuse me a second. Mr. Hummel will respond.
Mr Hummel (Phone) : « Hummel Tires and Lube.»
Man (Phone) : « Allo. »
Mr Hummel (Phone) : « Yep. Who's this? »
Man (Phone) : « Your son's a fag. »
Then the man hung up when Mr. Hummel was surprised and upset. Moments later, Kurt comes up, excited, while his father was bothered by his maker.
Kurt : Hey, Dad. Kurt manic, before his father is furious.
Mr Hummel : What the hell is wrong with this machine? Kurt dealing coffee while his father moves away.
Kurt : I hit it... the high "F." The magical note I need for "Defying Gravity." I hit it. It means I'm gonna win. Kurt preparing coffee.
Mr Hummel : That's great.... Good for you. Just how long until the damn coffee's ready?
Kurt : (Worried)What's going on?
Mr Hummel : I got a phone call this morning. The anonymous kind. It was some dude telling me my son was a fag.
Kurt : (Stranded) Oh. Well, that's not a big deal. I get that all the time.
Mr Hummel : Yeah, but I don't..... (approaching him) Now, look, Kurt. I try to do right by you. You know, open some doors. What father wouldn't do that for his kid? And I know it's good for you... to be out there with... with all this Glee Club stuff. I just... I don't want you to get hurt.
Kurt : So you don't want me to audition for the solo?
Mr Hummel : No, no. Let me be clear, all right? No one pushes the Hummels around, especially cowards on the phone. Sometimes, I just... I wish your mom was still around, you know? .... (Kurt approving) She was better at... you know, handlin' this kind of thing. You know, handlin' me. Look, congrats on, uh... you know, the cool "A" or the high "C" or, you know, whatever it was.
Kurt : High "F."
Mr Hummel : Yeah.
Hummel goes away leaving Kurt saddened and stunned.
HIGH SCHOOL - ROOM REPEAT - AFTERNOON
Finn repairing chair Rachel.
Finn : There's your problem. You just had a bent push rim. Good as new.
Rachel : (Smiling) Thanks, Finn. You're the only one who was willing to help me. I'm really nervous about the "diva off" tomorrow.
Finn : Don't be.
Rachel : You know, I don't wanna win out of charity. I wanna win the solo because it's right for the club. I really think that the judges at sectionals... will find a female version of"Defying Gravity" much more accessible. But... I don't think that's gonna happen. People just don't like me.
Finn : Yeah, you might wanna work on that. I like you.
Suddenly, Quinn, furious, enters the room and rushes to Finn.
Quinn : We need to talk.
Rachel : I'll get out of your way.
Quinn : Nope! You stay. I need a witness.
Rachel uneasy, then sits down and waits.
Quinn : Do you know what this is? Quinn gave him a new letter.
Finn : Oh. It's just a "past due" notice. My mom gets 'em all the time.
Quinn : Right. But if this sonogram bill doesn't get paid... it's not your phone that's gonna get cut off. You will get cut off. You need to help me with this, Finn...or else we're gonna go our separate ways.
Quinn goes mad leaving perplexed Finn and Rachel very uncomfortable.
Finn : (Sighing) I'm screwed.
Rachel : Not necessarily.
Rachel fixing the wheelchair with intensity.
[SCENE_BREAK]
HIGH SCHOOL - ROOM LUNCH - NOON
Stand Cupcakes is assailed. The Glee Club is overworked.
Puck : I know. I know.
Santana : I know,
Quinn : I know.
Suddenly, Will, delighted, approaches them.
Will : Hey. Hey, guys. Hey, guys, this is amazing.
Santana : Hi.
Will : Ah!
Santana : Puck found his Nana Connie's old recipe. They're addictive. Do you want one?
Will : No. No, thanks. I don't wanna take one away from a paying customer.
Santana : Yeah, I know. Sure.
Will : Hey, uh...Nice work, buddy.
Will typing in the hand of Puck, beaming. Then he leaves.
Santana : These are so good.
Tought Puck : « This isn't Nana Connie's old recipe. She couldn't cook at all. She was a diabetic. So the only sweets she had in her house was dried fruit.»
[Flashback]
HIGH SCHOOL - KITCHEN - MORNING
Puck alone making cupcakes, pleased with himself.
Tought Puck : « I knew I had to do something to help Quinn out with our baby. I don't know what kind of stuff you need for a baby that's still in your stomach. Bottles, diapers ....That kind of thing, I guess. But my baby mama was gonna get it all.» Puck proud of him, continues to cook.
HIGH SCHOOL - STANDS - MORNING
Puck, in a wheelchair, has a date with Sandy.
Tought Puck : "To make sure that happened, I used the two things I know the most about...lying and crime.»
Sandy : Is there a lot of pain, Noah?
Puck weeping bitterly.
Puck : The doctor said the shark fractured my spinal cord.
Sandy : This is why I don't go to the aquarium. (Puck still crying.) I'm going to give you as much as you want, 20 cents on the dollar.
Puck recovering drug that Sandy sells.
[Back to reality]
Tought Puck : « I don't put in enough to get you hallucinatin' . Just enough to give you a wicked case of the munchies. That's why they keep coming back for more. »
Puck : Yeah.
Puck fixing Quinn smiled.
Tought Puck : « See? I told you I'd make a great dad.» Puck smiled to turn to Quinn.
HIGH SCHOOL - GYMNASIUM - AFTERNOON
Becky Sue resulting intensively.
Sue : Faster. Harder! Becky, crying, can do no more. Will the distance, and that the observed distresses.
Sue : Those better be tears of joy, Becky. Faster! Harder! Okay, stop. Becky stops dead.
Sue : ....Becky, this is terrible.
Becky : I've tried, Coach. This is really hard.
Sue : You think this is hard? Try auditioning for Baywatch...and being told that they're going in another direction. That was hard. Hit the showers.
Becky : (Smiling) Thanks, Coach.
Becky goes while Will enters.
Will : Hi. Becky greets and leaves. Will, angry, approached Sue sat in the stands.
Will : Sue, you are unbelievable.
Sue : And you are a terrible spy. You might try breathing th rough your nose sometime. If you were a sniper... I'd have already radioed in your coordinates, just like in the Falklands.
Sue got up and went away followed by Will.
Will : I'm not gonna let you bully that girl, Sue.
Sue : Oh, I bully everybody, Will. It's the way I roll.
Will : Yeah, but this is different. She's not like everybody else.
Sue stops and glares at him.
Sue : I want you to listen to what you just said, William. You're asking me to treat this girl differently because she has a disability... when actually, it seems to me she just wants to be treated like everybody else. Why are you doing this?
Will : Because I know you, and you're up to something.
Sue : You don't know the first thing about me.
Sue goes away leaving Will, annoyed and angry.
HIGH SCHOOL - ROOM REPEAT - AFTERNOON
Rachel enters the room while the cast is here, and Will. Everybody sets. For his part, joined Rachel Finn, who smiled.
Finn : Good luck. (Whispering) I'm rooting for you. Finn goes.
Quinn : (Annoyed) Chut!....
Will : All right. Welcome to the Glee Club's first official "diva off."
All the cast applauded.
Cast : Waouh!....
Will : Let's get this party started!
Kurt and Rachel - Song: Defying Gravity
Both competing for the song before the cast. Rachel doing a flawless while Kurt crashes on high F at the end of the song. At the end of the song, the whole cast applauds.
Will : Good job, Kurt. Good job.
HIGH SCHOOL - HALLWAY - MORNING
Quinn closing his locker and went away when Puck calls out.
Puck : Hey, wait up. Quinn turns Puck and approaches her.
Puck : I cracked open the piggy bank. (handing him a wad of tickets.) It's for you. Well, it's for "it."
Quinn : "It" is a she.
Puck : Cool. I told you I wasn't a deadbeat.
Quinn : Look, Puck, this is really sweet, but...
Puck : I can get more. People call me a screwup because... I think school's for suckers. But I got ambition. Get us a house, some stuff, furniture. We could be a family.
Quinn : Finn is your best friend.
Puck : He'd be pissed for a while. But then he'd realize he doesn't have to deal with all this. He'd bake me a damn cake.
Quinn : ....You stole from the cupcake fund.
Puck : No, I didn't.
Quinn's insistent gaze.
Puck : Fine. I did. I made all those cupcakes. I'm all about being a team player, but my family comes first.
Quinn : ...I get it. And... I'm sorry. I should've never called you a Lima loser. You're not. You're special and romantic... and a good enough person to realize that... we are not gonna take money from a friend in a wheelchair.
Suddenly, Finn, wheelchair arises, Puck arranges money quickly.
Finn : Hey. Puck goes away when Finn approached her.
Finn : Here. Finn gives her an envelope.
Quinn : What's this?
Finn : I got a job.
[Flash back]
RESTAURANT - AFTERNOON
Finn and Rachel into a restaurant. Finn is in a wheelchair.
Rachel : Excuse me. Are you the manager?
Manager : Yes.
Rachel : You need to hire my friend Finn. He is clearly "handicapable"... and refusing to hire him could be seen as discrimination. My dads are gay. And unless you want the full force... of the American Civil Liberties Union coming down on you... I'd work something out.
Finn smiled, shocked the director.
[Back to reality]
Finn : Gonna need to stay in my wheelchair as long as I'm working there. But... screw it. It's worth it.
In the distance, Puck is disappointed.
Finn : Can I give you a lift to rehearsal? Quinn, happy, sits on the knees and they go under the eye of Puck unhappy.
HIGH SCHOOL - ROOM REPEAT - AFTERNOON
Puck giving money to Will.
Puck : 1,200 bucks. That's enough for the short bus... And two cases of Natty light for the ride home.
Will : Ah. Dream on, brother.I'm very proud of you guys. Artie. Why don't you bring this to Principal Figgins yourself.
Will giving money.
Mercedes : All right, Artie. Everyone applauds.
Will : Go, Artie!
Finn : What's wrong, dude?
Artie : I really appreciate what you guys did for me. But I'm not the only kid in a wheelchair at this school. And I'm sure there'll be others after I graduate. And I know how important it is for all of us to go to sectionals together... but I think I'd rather just get a ride from my dad... and use this for a handicap ramp in the auditorium.
Will : Any objections?
Finn : Well, it sure beats having to carry him in every day.
Artie smile and laugh more.
HIGH SCHOOL - MAIN OFFICE - MORNING
Figgins, happy, talks with Will sitting opposite him.
Will : You think she has a brain tumor? That can cause erratic behavior.
Figgins : All I know is that she walked in unannounced... and she wrote me a check for three new handicap ramps.
Will : I just don't get it. I mean, first, putting Becky in Cheerios. Now this. What is her angle?
Figgins : Why ask why? Just enjoy the fact that you're getting your bus after all.
Will not know what to say, he is silent.
SPECIALIZED CENTER FOR THE HANDICAPPED - AFTERNOON
Sue signing a register.
Sue : How's she doing?
Nurse : Great. She asks about you. She's been watching you on TV.
Sue : I need to get here more often.
Nurse : Oh, you get here plenty.
Moments later, the nurse knocks on the bedroom door and enters.
Nurse : Jean? Your little sister's here to see you. Sue, happy, enters.
Jean : Hey, Sue!
Sue : Hi, honey!
Jean : My sister's famous!
Sue : You got that right. I got something for you. What's this?
Sue came out of his bag of pompons in the laughing eyes of John.
Jean : Wow! A pom-pom. Thank you.
Sue : That's for you. What do you feel like doing today?
Jean : Can we read today?
Sue : Look what I have.
Jean : «Little Red Riding Hood. »
Sue : Right. Your favorite book. Wanna start at the beginning?
Jean : Yes.
Sue : All right. You ready?
Jean : Ready.
Sue takes her hand, John is happy.
Sue : Hum! Hum! .... "Once upon a time... there was a little girl who lived in the forest. Whenever she went out, the little girl wore a red riding cloak. So everyone in the village called her Little Red Riding Hood." Right?
Jean : Right.
Sue smiled at his sister continued her story.
HIGH SCHOOL - CORRIDOR - EVENING
Artie and Tina fun to run with their wheelchairs and they laugh like kids.
Tina : Oh, no! Oh, you're so much faster!
Artie : You can't keep up.
Tina : I can't! This is so hard... No! No, this wasn't fair. You've had eight years of practice.
Artie : Excelling at wheelchair races is about my only advantage. It's like your stutter. It's mostly just a big hassle.
Tina : This has been a really fun date.
Both laugh.
Tina : But... I wanna get out of this chair.
Artie : Why?
Tina gets up and walks towards him.
Tina : So... I can do this. Tina kisses him, then she sits down in his chair.
Tina : I have to tell you something. I've been faking it.
Artie : Faking what?
Tina : I don't have a stutter. I pretended to have one in sixth grade because... I didn't wanna give a speech on the Missouri Compromise. I was really shy. And it made people think I was weird, so they left me alone. And it wasn't until I joined Glee Club that I realized... how much I was missing. I don't wanna push people away anymore. You understand what that's like, don't you?
Artie : No. I don't. I would never try to push people away... 'cause being in a chair kind of does that for you. I thought we had something really important in common.
Artie goes.
Tina : Wait. Artie, I'm sorry. Tina follows. Artie turns.
Artie : I am too. I'm sorry now you get to be normal... and I'm gonna be stuck in this chair the rest of my life. And that's not something I can fake. Artie goes leaving Tina, desperate.
GARAGE - AFTERNOON
Kurt joined his father repair a car.
Kurt : Hey, Dad. What are you doing?
Mr Hummel : I'm makin' biscuits. What does it look like I'm doing? How'd the tryout go?
Kurt : They gave the part to Rachel.
Mr Hummel : (Furious) I knew they were gonna rig it! I'm goin' down to that school and I'm talkin' to Schuester.
Kurt : I blew the note..... (His father was quiet.) I wanted to lose.
Mr Hummel : Kurt, I stuck my neck out for you, and you go and you throw the game?
Mr Hummel, exasperated, sits while her son joined.
Kurt : Dad. I've known who I was since I was five. I adapted. Being different made me stronger. At the end of the day, it's what's gonna get me out of this cow town.
Mr Hummel : You never had to do that. I can handle myself just fine.
Kurt : No, you can't. Not about this. That phone call Esternay was just the beginning... especially if I get up in front of a thousand people to sing a girl's song. When I saw you right after you got the call... and you were... so hurt and so upset...... (Crying) it just killed me.
His father, embarrassed sigh.
Kurt : ... I'm not saying I'm gonna hide in the closet. I'm...I'm proud of who I am. I'm just saying that I love you more than I love being a star.
Mr Hummel : You are your mother. You know, she was always the strong one.... (Rising) Look, uh... you wanna help me put a 195 on this bad boy?
Kurt : Let me change into my coveralls. This sweater's an Alexander McQueen.
Kurt goes when his father sighs of relief.
HIGH SCHOOL - AUDITORIUM - AFTERNOON
Cast - Song : Proud Mary
The cast wheelchair repeating the song selections.
Finn : This one's for you, Artie!
Artie laughs. At the end of the song, everyone applauded, including Will, Artie for his bravery.
Brittany : Oh, my God! How do you do it?
Cast : Whoo! | Plan: A: The glee club; Q: What club holds a bake sale to raise money for a wheelchair-accessible bus? A: paraplegic club member Artie; Q: Who does the glee club want to travel with to Sectionals? A: Quinn; Q: Who struggles with medical expenses incurred by her pregnancy? A: Puck; Q: Who offers to help Quinn with her medical expenses? A: Sue; Q: Who pays the school to build new wheelchair ramps? A: Down syndrome; Q: What disability does Sue have an older sister with? A: the cheerleading squad; Q: What does Sue accept a student with Down syndrome onto? A: Kurt; Q: Who sabotages his own performance when his father receives harassing phone calls about his sexuality? A: Rachel; Q: Who does Kurt compete against for a solo performance? A: a kiss; Q: What do Artie and Tina share on their date? A: sixth grade; Q: When did Tina start faking her disability? Summary: The glee club holds a bake sale to raise money for a wheelchair-accessible bus, so that paraplegic club member Artie can travel with them to Sectionals. Quinn struggles with the medical expenses incurred by her pregnancy, and Puck offers to support her. Sue accepts a student with Down syndrome onto the cheerleading squad and pays the school to build new wheelchair ramps, leading Will to question her motives. It is revealed Sue has an older sister who also has Down syndrome. Kurt and Rachel compete for a solo performance, but Kurt sabotages his own performance when his father receives harassing phone calls about his sexuality. Artie and Tina go on a date and share a kiss, but Artie feels betrayed when Tina admits she has been faking her own disability, a speech impediment , since sixth grade. |
Man: Next up, secretary Schrute will read the minutes from Sunday's meeting.
Dwight: Minutes from previous meeting of Knights of the Night. No, Jim, hey!
Jim: Oh.
Dwight: This meeting is for Knights of the Night only.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Dwight: Knights of the Night are volunteer crime patrollers. We're often compared to the Guardian Angels, but we could not be more different from them. Seriously, we are nothing like the Guardian Angels. I mean, broad strokes purposes, sure. Think Guardian Angels. One of our many recent good deeds? We set out to capture the Scranton Strangler. Mission accomplished. Not by us.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Jim: I'm actually just looking for my Blackberry, so, carry on.
Dwight: No, no, no, no, no. I see how this movie ends. You make fun of me, everyone laughs, ha, ha, ha... screw you!
Man: Dwight, don't be bothered by your friend's presence.
Dwight: What are you going to do now? Are you going to make fun of our leader's weird voice? Huh? [mimicking the leader's voice] Dwight, don't be bothered by the [mumbles]. Over the line, Jim.
Jim: I'm just looking for my phone, so... pretend I'm not here.
Dwight: Fine. Minutes from previous meeting of Knights of the Night. That's our official name, Jim.
Jim: Sounds good.
Dwight: Reflective strips were glued to patrol jackets. Knights went outside with flashlights to test them.
Jim: Smart.
Dwight: And the rest was just [mumbles]stuff.
Man: Go ahead and read it, some people weren't here.
Dwight: Okay. Knights stayed outside to play flashlight tag.
Jim: Oh, come on, that sounds awesome.
Member: It was pretty cool.
Jim: Was it?
Member: It was fun.
Dwight: It was pretty awesome.
Jim: [answers phone] Hey! Yeah. No, I got it. Just leaving now.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: January three, 2011. A day which will live in-famously. Holly Partridge Flax, otherwise known as Holly, otherwise otherwise known as a living, breathing angel, is engaged to another man. This is freaking me out. I- okay, let's switch to the happy video, okay? No, no, no, no, let's push through. We'll do this.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: Today will either be the best or the worst day of my life. Holly gave AJ an ultimatum. He either proposes by New Year's or they break up. Now, if she's engaged, I'm gonna go crazy, and I'm gonna start attacking people. If she's not engaged, in all honesty, I may just burn this whole place to the ground out of happiness. Either way, I am going to need some talking down. And nobody talks me down like myself in a video talking me down.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: [filming video] Michael, I know what you're thinking. Holly's engaged to another man, and you want to kill yourself. It may seem like a good idea, but it's not.
Erin: [giggles] Snot. Sorry, it sounded like you said it's snot. I am so sorry.
Michael: Okay, so killing yourself. [laughs] I was just thinking about snot.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Angela: Good morning.
Pam: Hey, guys! Fun thing. The index cards on your desk are resolution cards. You write your New Year's resolution on them, I'll collect them, and then display them on... da-da-da-da-da! This! Resolution board.
Dwight: Wow. Did your baby draw that?
Angela: The glitter is blinding.
Phyllis: I think it's good.
Pam: It's gonna be fun.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Pam: I recently met Sue, the office administrator at Vance Refrigeration. She has this awesome wall full of fun initiatives and morale boosters and stuff. Sue just goes for it, she's awesome.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Phyllis: I know Sue. She's not that great. And you know her husband's in a wheelchair, right?
[SCENE_BREAK]
Erin: Okay, champagne.
Michael: Happy.
Erin: Sponge.
Michael: Sad. To soak up my tears.
Erin: Gummi bears and gummi worms.
Michael: Bears sad, worms happy. Come on, Erin.
Erin: Ukulele's happy?
Michael: Sad, something to break.
Erin: Chocolates.
Michael: For you, job well done.
Erin: Thank you! And two bottles of scotch.
Michael: Both sad.
Erin: And did you get the tickets?
Michael: I did! I did, indeed. Two front row center, to Paula Poundstone, Live in Poughkeepsie. Holly's favorite. I hope she doesn't call us up on stage. That would suck. "Hey, you think you can do my job better?" I don't know. "What's your name?" Michael.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Erin: I'm really excited for Michael either way. Because if Holly chooses to be with him, he will be so, so happy. And if not, he'll be avoiding the biggest mistake of his life!
[SCENE_BREAK]
Pam: Oh, hey, guys! I'd like to introduce you to a new little friend of mine. His name is New Year's resolution board.
Michael: Shaaa-shut up. Hello.
Kelly: What happened? Is there a ring?
Michael: So... high five me. We're back. To a happy... [grabs Holly's hand] look at those! Mittens. Are those a present?
Kelly: [whispering] Come on!
Holly: They're warm.
Michael: They're so fuzzy and warm! Let me feel those. Let me feel that. Put 'er there. Give me a good firm... ooh! That's a good firm handshake. You're hired! Yes, let's get right into the Anderson account, shall we? Yes, yes, right away.
Dwight: Hey, hey, hey. Want me to crank the thermostat up to 90, smoke her out? She can't keep those mittens on forever.
Michael: Yes, no, why? Stop! Yes.
Kevin: [Holly takes off mittens revealing no ring on her ring finger] Congratu-ohhh.
Kelly: Wow.
Michael: Oh my God! That's it! That's it!
Holly: Oh, I get it. Everybody knows about the ultimatum.
Kelly: Yes, I told everyone.
Holly: [sticking both ring fingers up] Ha ha, ha ha!
Kevin: Hey! [sticking up middle finger] Right back atcha, bitch!
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: Happy! Happy, happy, happy, happy!
Video Michael: Whoa, whoa, whoa, okay, calm down, breathe.
Michael: I'm trying!
Video Michael: I said breathe!
Michael: I'm trying!
Video Michael: Wait a second, are you listening to music?
Michael: What?
Video Michael: Shut that off!
Michael: I'm not listening to music!
Video Michael: Fine, just go crazy for a little while! Lookin' good! You're lookin' good. [roping Michael in] Oh, I gotcha! I gotcha! I'm pulling you back! Michael dance off!
Michael: Go! Oh, that's nice.
Video Michael: Go!
Michael: Me? Okay.
Erin: Go!
Video Michael: Nice! We're gonna calm down later.
Michael: I'm good.
Erin: Oh, yeah!
Michael: Oh my God! [sprays champagne on Erin]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Pam: Hey, Dwight, I'm collecting resolution cards.
Dwight: Not doing that.
Pam: Why not?
Dwight: I've achieved plenty and there's no better than the best.
Andy: Drink less caffeine. That's a good one, Pam. Here's mine.
Pam: Learn to cook for one!
Andy: Yeah. I love cooking, but I always find myself throwing out half the food that I prepare, so... two years is time to just start preparing the right amount of food for the right number of people, which is one.
Pam: Well, maybe you'll meet someone.
Andy: No, some people don't just meet someone. I'm fine with it. Really. This is not a pity party. It's not a party at all. It's just sad.
Pam: Angela.
Angela: Yes.
Pam: Make time for romance!
Oscar: Who's the senator?
Angela: My boyfriend.
Oscar: Oh, you mean the state senator. I'm sorry, I was confused, because you accidentally wrote 'the senator'.
Angela: Ugh.
Dwight: Wait, it's that easy? That's not a resolution, that's just... something I want to do. Okay, fine. I can do that... [sticks note card on board, makes trumpet sound] My resolution is... meet a loose woman.
Angela: Oh, God.
Andy: That's a good one.
Dwight: Yeah.
Andy: You know what, that's my new one. I'm taking that one, too.
Dwight: Awesome.
Darryl: You know what you guys should do? Go to the bookstore at lunch. There's tons of cuties and it's easy to talk to them. 'Hey, what book is that? Cool, let's hang out tonight. s*x already? Whoa...'
Andy: The bookstore?
Dwight: It's that easy?
Darryl: I'll come with you, show you how it's done.
Dwight: Okay, I'll drive.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Darryl: My resolution is to read more. And if someone else is driving me to the bookstore, I can eat my PB&J in the car. 2011 is coming up all Darryl.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: Hello! Oh, somebody's got a new phone!
Holly: Yeah.
Michael: That is neat.
Holly: I got it for Christmas. I'm so out of my league here.
Michael: [imitating E.T.] E.T. phone Holly. Holly like phone?
Holly: [imitating E.T.] Holly misses old phone.
Michael: [imitating E.T.] Why?
Holly: [imitating E.T.] New phone is confusing. Gets bad reception.
Michael: [imitating E.T.] Bummer.
Holly: [imitating E.T.] Bummer.
Michael: [imitating E.T.] Reese's Pieces.
Holly: [imitating E.T.] Reese's Pieces?
Kelly: Oh, God, please stop!
Michael: I still have my old phone. This thing... indestructible. [slams phone on desk, phone breaks]
Holly: [reaches for her cell phone] Oh, I should get this. Hey! Oh, no, don't go see that one, I want to see that together. Yeah, go see that action one. Okay. I love you, too. All right.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: Holly doesn't seem to be engaged, but she's talking to AJ like she is. I can't figure it out. Do you think she's already dating a different AJ?
Pam: I don't think so.
Michael: When you broke it off with Roy, did you still tell him you loved him?
Pam: No.
Michael: But you did still love him.
Pam: I'm not... I'm not going to have...
Michael: Do you love him now?
Pam: No! Just talk to her.
Michael: No. She'd just resent me. Or worse! She would think of me as her friend. [disgusted voice] Oh, hi friend! Blegh.
Phyllis: I'll talk to her, Michael.
Michael: You think she'd talk to you?
Phyllis: Why wouldn't she?
Michael: That's true. She's really nice. She'd talk to anybody. Why don't you bring Erin to balance you out?
Pam: There's a plan.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Andy: All right! We should divide up by section. I will take romance and travel.
Dwight: I'll take the entirety of the second floor.
Darryl: I got that cutie behind the counter.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Bookstore employee: Well, if you read a lot, you should check out our e-readers. They're really neat.
Darryl: Whoa, I work at a paper company, those things terrify me. They could put us out of business, you know? I heard those machines hold like, ten books at once.
Bookstore employee: Actually, it's ten thousand.
Darryl: Holy [bleep], what? Let me see that. It's so light. Like a croissant.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Andy: Hi.
Customer: Hi.
Dwight: Welcome.
Andy: Let us know if you need anything.
Customer: Thanks.
Andy: Why did we pretend like we work here?
Dwight: Is that what we were doing?
Darryl: Hey, how'd you do?
Andy: Good!
Dwight: Good. Real good.
Darryl: Really?
Dwight: Yeah, yeah!
Andy: We kinda nailed it.
Dwight: Yeah, pretty much. But, you know, this place is kinda tapped out, so. Let's roll.
Darryl: Cool.
Dwight: Okay. What'd you get?
Darryl: A book about oceans.
Dwight: Oh, really? What else? Let me see.
Darryl: No, that's uh. p0rn. Pornography. Old lady... nasty... p0rn.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Phyllis: [whispering] Follow my lead. Hey, want some company?
Erin: Want some company?
Holly: Oh, sure. Have a seat. How were your breaks?
Phyllis: Oh, really good, I went to Portugal.
Erin: I went to Portugal.
Holly: Oh, wow... you went together?
Phyllis: No.
Erin: No.
Phyllis: So, I've just gotta know. What's going on with you and AJ?
Holly: Nothing really happened. I mean, I know I made a big deal about this whole New Year's deadline, but um, it came and went... and, we're still together.
Phyllis: You didn't break up with AJ at all? I mean, not even for a week to make him buy you a present?
Holly: It just wasn't fair of me to give him an ultimatum in the first place. The whole thing is totally my fault. But we're going to be just fine. Just fine.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Darryl: Whoa! Hold on.
Dwight: I am not going back until I fulfill my resolution.
Darryl: [Dwight heads toward a strip club] Oh, no, no, no. Uh-uh.
Dwight: Come on, why not? I've never been in one before. I'm tired of being Mr. Perfect Role Model all the time.
Darryl: I'm telling you, don't do it. I've got nothing against strip clubs, but I do have something against them at noon on a Monday. The day shift at a strip club? You can't unsee that.
Dwight: Well, we can't just go back, I mean, we came out to meet women.
Andy: Hey, there's a roller rink across the street! There's always chicks at the rink.
Darryl: What kind of chicks are you going to meet there?
Andy: I don't know. Single moms at a skating party. Sweet sixteen, ten year reunion parties.
Dwight: Chicks fall down, need help getting back up.
Andy: Roller derby practice!
Darryl: We're going skating.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Pam: The goal of this meeting is to get everybody excited about their resolutions! Who's been good about their resolutions so far? Erin. Tell us about it.
Erin: Well, my goal was to learn a new word every single day. And I must say that it is going immensely.
Pam: Cool! Here's a little 'way to go' gift from Sabre. [tosses Erin a Frisbee]
Gabe: Intercepted!
Erin: Hey! Gabe.
Gabe: Whoops.
Pam: Creed. I noticed you don't have a resolution on the board. What's yours?
Creed: I want to do a cartwheel. But real casual-like. Not make a big deal about it. But I know everybody saw it. Just one stunning, gorgeous cartwheel.
Pam: How is it going?
Creed: I'm having a little trouble motivating.
Pam: One of the hardest parts about making resolutions is keeping them. In fact, most resolutions are abandoned by February.
Michael: Or sooner.
Pam: Yeah.
Michael: That's not a joke.
Pam: But that's okay. Because it's not about being perfect, it's about trying. In fact, why don't we go around and confess some of the ways that we've fudged on some of our resolutions?
Kevin: Well, I said that I would eat more vegetables, and I haven't yet. But it's okay. I still have time, since last year, I ate none.
Pam: Okay, well, my confession is that today I had a sip of coffee. But that's fine.
Michael: Is it?
Pam: Yes! Because with all of your support, by this time next year maybe I'll be down to one glass of iced tea a week.
Michael: Next year? Come-I mean, what is the point? What is the point of that? I made a resolution to floss, and I did it. 12:01, January first, BAM! Blood everywhere.
Kevin: Well not all of us are Michael Freaking Scott.
Michael: What is wrong with you people? Can't you stick to anything? Erin, I want you to go to the kitchen and get me some vegetables. Creed, you say you want to do a cartwheel? Nothing's stopping you. Come on, old man, do a cartwheel!
Creed: Well, I can't, I don't know how.
Michael: You're just gonna somersault around for the rest of your life and you know what's going to be on your tombstone? Loser.
Creed: My tombstone's already made, thank you.
Michael: Just do a cartwheel!
Erin: This is all I could find.
Michael: [holding broccoli in front of Kevin] Eat it.
Pam: You don't have to do that, Kevin.
Kevin: I don't know. I'm glad this is happening. Thank you, Michael.
Kelly: Why are you eating stem first?
Kevin: This is a new food for me, how else should I eat it?
Ryan: The other way.
Kevin: Can I get some cheese whiz? Or hollandaise?
Michael: No. No cheese whiz, no hollandaise, no chocolate sauce, just eat it. Come on. Here comes the airplane, there you go. Open, open, into the hanger, there you go.
Pam: Oh, Michael.
Michael: Eat it. Put it in your mouth, and just eat it.
Kevin: God, I hate it.
Michael: I don't care whether you hate it! You said you'd do it!
Angela: All right!
Michael: Eat it!
Kelly: You're killing him, Michael!
Michael: All right, all right, shh!
Kevin: All right, I ate the fluffy part, can I be done?
Michael: Let me see if you swallowed it, open your mouth. Under your tongue. [reveals hidden broccoli, spits it out] Oh, God! You guys are pathetic.
Kevin: Can I get some candy, or something?
Michael: No! You can't have any candy!
Oscar: I'll get him water.
Pam: Okay, Michael, just settle down.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: [imitating E.T.] Holly Flax.
Holly: Yes, Michael?
Michael: [imitating E.T.] Not Michael, E.T.
Holly: What's up?
Michael: Well, I just want to talk about what happened in there.
Holly: Oh, no, Michael, I don't want to talk about it with you. I mean, I'm fine, I just... I don't want to talk about it.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: Holly, come on in. Thanks for coming. I thought there should be an HR rep here for this. So, Kevin and Creed, things got a little bit intense in the conference room.
Creed: You think?
Michael: And I wanted to apologize. These resolutions should be about you, and I made it about me, and it was none of my beeswax.
Kevin: You were super mean.
Michael: It was insensitive and I am sorry.
Kevin: It was traumatizing, Michael. I wouldn't be surprised if I never ate a vegetable again.
Michael: I really wanted you to follow through on your resolutions. The cartwheel, the veggies... I... care about you. Very much. And you loom so large in my heart that I crossed the line.
Kevin: Okay, Michael, no offense, but you need to get your own life.
Michael: You're right. And I hope that we can still be friends.
Creed: I don't think I'm there yet, Boss.
Kevin: Well, I am. [hugs Michael]
Michael: Okay, oh! All right.
Kevin: I'm going to help you.
Michael: Okay.
[SCENE_BREAK]
DJ: [at the skating rink]Hey, uh. It's just you. Anything you want to hear?
Andy: Um... Dave Matthews Band. No hits! Deep tracks only.
DJ: Okay. [Ants Go Marching starts playing]
Andy: I said no hits!
[SCENE_BREAK]
Ryan: I just feel blocked. Like I'm living, but I'm not...
Kevin: Hey, Ryan.
Ryan: Yeah.
Kevin: How's your fart project coming?
Ryan: That's real, real classy, Kevin. Hey, was it me or you that just shoved the butt end of a pound of broccoli into my mouth because Michael told me to?
Kevin: Me.
Pam: Kevin, don't! Come on!
Kelly: Oh, Pam, soda. Caffeine!
Pam: Yeah, just a little, I have a lot to deal with today.
Meredith: [holding a pack of cigarettes] Well, if you don't have to do 'em...
Kelly: Meredith, what are you doing? I could be pregnant!
Ryan: Okay, no.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Kelly: My resolution was to get more attention.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Ryan: No, she's lying.
Kevin: Hey, Ryan. [taps board, makes farting noise]
Erin: One, two, three. [does cartwheel] I did it! I did a cartwheel!
Creed: [bleep] you! [bleep] you! God!
Pam: Okay, that's it.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Pam: [throws resolution board away in dumpster] Lesson learned.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Darryl: Sup?
Andy: Hey! Where did you go?
Darryl: To the arcade.
Andy: Oh, cool.
Darryl: Why, did you meet someone?
Andy: Yeah, I did actually. His name is Andy, and he roller skates like a Greek god and you know what? I kinda like hanging out with him.
Darryl: Right on, son.
Dwight: Gentlemen.
Andy: And where did you go?
Dwight: Strip club. I was looking at the strippers at the strip club.
Darryl: Right.
DJ: So, that's it, guys? If you want, I can put on the strobe.
Dwight: Yeah!
[SCENE_BREAK]
Erin: You want to keep this?
Michael: No.
Erin: Do you want to keep this?
Michael: Yup.
Erin: Do you want to keep this?
Michael: You can toss them.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: My resolution? I never want to make Holly cry again. Unless it's from laughing too hard. Or making love too beautifully.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Holly: We're gonna be just fine. You know how you say something over and over and the words start to sound weird? Going to be just fine... just fine... just fine... just fine...
[SCENE_BREAK]
Holly: I just think we need to cool things down for awhile. Yeah, a break. At least until I get back to Nashua. Yeah, I'm sure.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: Look at where you're going to be doing the cartwheel. So look at where you're going to be placing your hands. So pick a spot.
Creed: Mmmhm.
Michael: You ready to do this?
Creed: Yes, sir.
Michael: You know what? I'm going to stay here as long as it takes.
Creed: I really appreciate it, Boss.
Michael: It's about you. It's about you. Go!
Creed: I did it!
Michael: You did?
Creed: The perfect cartwheel.
Michael: Okay.
Creed: What a rush! That's all I had to do all year.
Michael: Congratulations. All right. Well, all right. See you tomorrow. | Plan: A: Michael; Q: Who anticipates the news regarding Holly and A.J.'s relationship? A: A.J.'s relationship; Q: What does Michael anticipate the news regarding the status of Holly and what? A: Pam; Q: Who puts up a New Year's resolution board in the office? A: their resolutions; Q: What does Pam want everyone to post on the New Year's resolution board? A: things; Q: What gets chaotic when Pam puts up a New Year's resolution board? A: Darryl convinces; Q: Who convinces Andy and Dwight to go to the library with him? A: women; Q: What does Darryl hope to pick up at the library? Summary: Michael anticipates the news regarding the status of Holly and A.J.'s relationship. In the office, Pam puts up a New Year's resolution board so everyone can post their resolutions but things get chaotic. Meanwhile, Darryl convinces Andy and Dwight to go with him to the library in hope of picking up women, to work on his secret resolution of reading more. |
-[Fairy Tale World]-
(In the clouds, the Blue Fairy waits for Nova. Nova clumsily flies towards her, carrying a bag of fairy dust, before coming to a stop.)
Blue Fairy: Easy!
Nova: Sorry.
Blue Fairy: Careful. Careful. Fairy dust is the most precious substance in all the land. Its magic is what powers the world. This is the year's supply - we must be cautious.
Nova: I know.
Blue Fairy: Because, next year, you'll be doing this alone.
Nova: I-I'll still be picking up dust? I thought I'd be a fairy godmother by then.
Blue Fairy: Oh, Nova. You really are a dreamer. Your journey is just beginning. Can you make it home from the mines with all the dust safe?
(Nova nods.)
Blue Fairy: Okay.
[SCENE_BREAK]
(The fairy dust from Nova's bag falls from the sky and spirals to the ground. The dust reaches the mine, where there is a cluster of eggs. The dust is absorbed by one of the eggs, which then begins to move. Two dwarves, who are inspecting the eggs, notice.)
Watchy: This one's ready.
Bossy: No. It's too early, Watchy. This unit isn't scheduled to hatch till sundown.
Watchy: Well, someone's eager to get out before the rest of his brothers.
(A hand punches through the shell of the egg. The dwarf inside turns out to be Grumpy.)
Bossy: Welcome to the world, dwarf.
-[Real World]-
(Leroy is eating breakfast at the counter in Granny's Diner. Mr. Clark and Walter enter.)
Mr. Clark: Uh, excuse me, Leroy. Uh, do you mind scooting over a seat so Walter and I could sit together?
Leroy: If I wanted to sit there, I would've sat there. You want this seat? Try dragging your sorry asses out of bed a little earlier.
Mr. Clark: You're a real ray of sunshine as-
(Mr. Clark sneezes.)
Leroy: Congrats - just lost my appetite. Seat's all yours.
(Leroy gets up to leave as Mary Margaret walks in.)
MMB: Excuse me. Can I have everyone's attention, please?
(The diner goes silent.)
MMB: I'm sorry to interrupt your morning, but I just wanted to remind everyone that a very special occasion is upon us - Miner's Day. As always, the nuns of Storybrooke are hoping that everyone will get involved, and will help sell their exquisite candles. All we need are a few energetic volunteers. So, who wants to join me?
(Everyone ignores her and goes back to what they were doing. Leroy heads to the door, which Mary Margaret is still standing in front of.)
MMB: Leroy, you want to volunteer?
Leroy: I want to leave, sister. You're blocking the door.
MMB: Of course. Uh, you know, if you wanted to help, it could really be a-
Leroy: Oh, yeah. Right. Quite a team we'd make - town harlot, town drunk. The only person in this town that people like less than me, is you. If you're coming to me, you're screwed.
(Leroy leaves. A moment later, Mary Margaret also leaves. Emma follows her outside and walks along with her.)
Emma: Hey. Mind if I join you? So, what the hell is Miner's Day, and why are you beating yourself up over it?
MMB: It's an annual holiday celebrating an old tradition. The nuns used to make candles and trade them with the miners for coal.
Emma: Coal? In Maine? If they were mining for lobster, I'd understand.
MMB: Look, I don't know. Now, they use it as a fundraiser. It's an amazing party - everyone loves it.
Emma: It doesn't seem like everyone loves it.
MMB: It's not Miner's Day - it's me. Last week, I had ten volunteers. This week, they all dropped out.
Emma: You think this is about what happened with David?
MMB: Oh, I know it is. A few of them told me as much. I've never...been a home wrecker before.
Emma: It's going to blow over. You made a mistake with David - it happens. But, you don't have to do charity to try to win people's hearts back.
MMB: I have to do something, and this is the best I can do. Love ruined my life.
(Emma's phone rings.)
Emma: Sheriff Swan. Yeah. I'll be right down.
(Emma hangs up.)
Emma: Well, apparently, duty calls. Hang in there. And, if there's anything I can do to help, I will.
MMB: I know. Thank you.
[SCENE_BREAK]
(The citizens of Storybrooke are setting up for Miner's day. Leroy walks past a ladder, where what looks to be 'fairy dust' falls on his head. He looks up and sees Astrid.)
Astrid: Oh, I'm so sorry. It just slipped out of my hand. I...
Leroy: No problem at all.
(She climbs down the ladder.)
Astrid: I really am so sorry. I... I was so busy trying to get the lights to work, that I didn't realize I was about to knock it off the ladder.
Leroy: Let me take a look at those lights for you.
(Leroy climbs up the ladder.)
Leroy: Here's your problem - you're overloading the transformer. You kept messing around with these lights, the whole thing could've blown up on you.
Astrid: Oh. Then I guess that makes you my hero.
Leroy: I'm nobody's hero, sister.
Astrid: Oh. You can just call me Astrid.
Leroy: I call everybody sister. I'm Leroy.
(Leroy tinkers with the lights, which then turn on.)
Astrid: How did you do that? Are you an electrician?
Leroy: I'm in the custodial services game.
(Leroy climbs down the ladder.)
Astrid: That's... Wonderful.
Leroy: No, it's not. What I really wanted to do, was sail. I even bought a boat. It's a real clunker. I was going to fix it up, sail around the world, say good-bye to this hellhole. I'm... I'm sorry, sister.
Astrid: It's okay. You know, someone once told me, you can do anything as long as you can dream it.
Leroy: You really think so?
Astrid: Sure. Look how easily you fixed those lights. I bet you could do anything. I should, uh, get back to the Volunteer Center. Nice to meet you, Leroy.
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Emma is investigating Kathryn's crashed car. Sidney arrives on the scene with a camera.)
Sidney: You mind if I take a look, too?
Emma: What for?
Sidney: Well, just because I got fired from The Mirror, doesn't mean I can't do a little freelance reporting. So, what do we got here?
Emma: Gym teacher found this thing on the side of the road abandoned. Engine running, no one around. Registered to Kathryn Nolan. She's MIA.
Sidney: Kathryn Nolan, whose husband very publicly left her? I mean, the story writes itself. If I get a scoop like that, The Daily Mirror would have no choice but to take me back.
Emma: Calm down, tiger. You don't work for Regina anymore. Kathryn got accepted to law school in Boston. Maybe, after David dumped her, she decided to leave town. Car broke down, she hitched the rest of the way. That's what I would do if I was running away from my problems.
(Emma opens the trunk of the car. There is a suitcase inside.)
Sidney: And, uh, would you leave your clothes in the car?
Emma: Time to pull Kathryn's phone records and find out who she spoke to last.
Sidney: Yeah, you know, if you go through the Sheriff's Department, it'll take you days to get those. I've got a contact over at the phone company, who used to help me out when I was at the newspaper. I can get those in a couple hours.
Emma: Great. Call me the minute you get your hands on those phone records.
(David's truck pulls up along the side of the road.)
Sidney: There he is.
Emma: Time to break the news.
Sidney: You really think he doesn't know?
Emma: I'm about to find out.
-[Fairy Tale World]-
(In the mines, the newly hatched dwarves are being fitted for clothing and are being cleaned up. Bossy is assigned to deal with Grumpy.)
Bossy: Arms up.
Grumpy: What am I?
Bossy: You're a dwarf.
Grumpy: What am I doing?
Bossy: Being cleaned.
Grumpy: Who is the woman I saw?
Bossy: What woman?
Grumpy: The one I saw right before I hatched. She was beautiful. I want to see her again.
Bossy: Ha! You must be dreaming - there are no female dwarves. Dwarves don't fall in love, dwarves don't get married, and dwarves don't have children. Why do you think you were hatched from an egg?
Grumpy: Then, what do we do?
Bossy: We work.
Grumpy: And we like it?
Bossy: We love it. We even whistle while we do it. We mine the diamonds that get crushed into dust, that give light to the world. You and your seven brethren will bring joy to yourselves and to everyone.
(Bossy joins Grumpy with the seven other dwarves.)
Bossy: Come on. This is your team - these are your brothers. Everyone, grab an axe. It'll give you your dwarf name.
(The dwarves line up to receive their axe. Once the axe is in their hands, a name appears on the handle. Stealthy, Happy, Doc, Sneezy, Sleepy, Bashful, Dopey and Dreamy are the names that appear.)
Bossy: The axe never lies, Dreamy. Okay, folks. Grab a lantern and move out. Today is the first day of the rest of your lives. Welcome to the mines!
-[Real World]-
(Mary Margaret is filling out forms at a table at the Volunteer Center. Leroy enters.)
Leroy: Where can I sign up?
(Mary Margaret ignores him.)
Leroy: What? I want to volunteer to sell candles.
MMB: No, you don't. You made that very clear this morning at Granny's.
Leroy: Well... Maybe, I saw the light. I mean, maybe somebody showed it to me. What difference does it make, sister? It looks like you can use all the help you can get.
MMB: Okay, I need help manning the candle booth. No swearing, no drinking, and I get to call all the shots.
(On the other side of the room, Astrid and Mother Superior are talking.)
Mother Superior: You ordered how many tanks of helium?
Astrid: I-I meant to order twelve.
Mother Superior: You ordered twelve dozen. Return them.
Astrid: There are no refunds.
Mother Superior: We needed that money - you knew that. You know how he feels about us. You fix this, Sister Astrid. You fix it now.
(Mother Superior leaves. Leroy, who overheard the exchange, walks over to Astrid.)
Leroy: Hey. What's the problem?
Astrid: The problem is, I'm an idiot. We get a stipend each year for expenses, and it's all carefully budgeted except for the part where I spent it all. On helium. And now we can't pay our rent.
Leroy: So, you'll make it up when you get your next stipend.
Astrid: Which isn't till next month. The rent is due next week. And the only income we have are these candles.
Leroy: Well, so how many do you need to sell?
Astrid: Like, a thousand.
Leroy: How many did you sell last year?
Astrid: Forty-two.
Leroy: Ask your landlord to cut you a break.
Astrid: Mr. Gold doesn't offer much leeway.
Leroy: Mr. Gold's your landlord?
Astrid: If we miss a payment, we're out. And then they'll reassign us, and we'll have to leave Storybrooke.
Leroy: No, you won't. You know why you only sold forty-two last year? Because you didn't have me. This year, we're going to sell all of them.
Astrid: Wow! Leroy, I guess you really are my hero.
[SCENE_BREAK]
(David and Emma are still at the crash site.)
David: She's just gone?
Emma: You really don't know anything, do you?
David: I-I don't... I don't understand. What happened?
Emma: I don't know. I'm trying to find out. What can you tell me? When was the last time you spoke to Kathryn?
David: Yesterday afternoon.
Emma: Okay, look. I know there has been lies and deceit, and I'm really not judging you, but is that the truth?
David: Yes. I haven't spoken to her since we... I ended things. And I came home yesterday, and all her things were gone. I assumed she was going to Boston. That's what she told me. Am I a suspect or something?
Emma: No. I know when people are telling the truth, David, and you are. She hasn't even been gone twenty-four hours. She's not even technically missing. But, if she is, trust me - I will find her.
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Regina is sitting in her office, when a fax comes through. The fax ends up being two pages of Kathryn's phone records. Regina grabs her phone and dials a number.)
Regina: Hello, Sidney? Those phone records you wanted - I have them. And I think you'll find them quite helpful.
-[Fairy Tale World]-
(Grumpy is shoveling rocks and diamonds onto a conveyor belt. The rocks travel along through a machine that grinds the diamonds into fairy dust. At the end, the dust is funneled into a bag. When the bag is full, Nova goes to pull the lever to stop it, but is unable to. She yells for help.)
Nova: Help! Someone!
(Grumpy quickly pushes the lever, stopping the fairy dust.)
Nova: Oh! Oh, thank you.
Grumpy: It's you.
Nova: Do we know each other?
Grumpy: You're the woman I saw in my dreams right before I hatched last year.
Nova: You're one?
(Nova rests the bag of fairy dust on a machine.)
Grumpy: I know - I look young for my age.
(The fairy dust is lifted up and falls onto a conveyor belt.)
Nova: Oh, no! The fairy dust!
(The bag of fairy dust continues along the conveyor belt and heads towards a furnace. Grumpy climbs up and, at the last second, grabs the bag with his pick axe. He climbs down and hands the bag to Nova.)
Nova: I'm an idiot. All I ever wanted was to be a fairy godmother. That was my dream, but I can't even pick up fairy dust alone. I'm so clumsy.
Grumpy: No, you're not. I think you'd make a great fairy godmother.
Nova: You really think so?
Grumpy: I believe you can do anything you want, as long as you can dream it.
Nova: I'm Nova.
Grumpy: I'm Dreamy.
Nova: You know, Dreamy. As fairies, we get to spend very little time in your world, and I was thinking about making a stop on my way back. Have you ever been to see the fireflies?
Grumpy: I barely ever get out of the mines.
Nova: Oh, I-I heard it's beautiful - that they come out just after sunset on Firefly Hill. I was going to see them tonight on my way back.
Grumpy: Oh, sounds fun. Have a good time.
Nova: Dreamy? Thanks. You're my hero.
-[Real World]-
(At the Miner's Day festival, Mary Margaret and Leroy are trying to sell candles at their booth.)
MMB: Buy your Miner's Day candles here! Handmade by Storybrooke's very own nuns! Light your way to a good cause! By buying a candle... This isn't working.
Leroy: You're right. We should pack it up.
MMB: Now you're quitting?
Leroy: If the customers won't come to us, we got to go to them - door to door.
MMB: If they hate us here, what makes you think they'll like us in their homes?
Leroy: Exactly. They'll pay us just to leave.
(Elsewhere at the festival, Sidney is playing ring toss. Emma walks up to him.)
Emma: What the hell are you doing?
Sidney: What's happening?
Emma: I just got off the phone with Kathryn's school in Boston. Registration was this morning, and she never showed up.
Sidney: Something did happen.
Emma: It looks that way.
(Mary Margaret and Leroy rush past, but Mary Margaret stops when she sees Emma.)
MMB: Oh, Emma! Help me out! What's more sympathetic. Um, scarf or no scarf?
Emma: Sc-Scarf.
MMB: Okay.
Leroy: Come on - we're on a schedule.
MMB: Oh, uh, thank you. Got to go.
(Mary Margaret and Leroy run off.)
Sidney: Why didn't you say anything? You're looking for a suspect. Someone with a motive. Pixie cut over there has got one a mile high.
Emma: She had nothing to do with anything. Trust me.
Sidney: But she's the one-
Emma: Trust me - I know her. Just get me those phone records.
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Mary Margaret and Leroy go to their first house. A man eating a carrot answers the door. A woman then appears beside him.)
MMB: Hi. We're selling candles for Miners Day.
Woman: We're not interested.
(She shuts the door. Mary Margaret and Leroy try several more houses, but have the door slammed in their face every time.)
-[Fairy Tale World]-
(Grumpy and the rest of the dwarves are eating and drinking at a tavern. Grumpy is sitting off to the side by himself. Bossy joins him.)
Bossy: What's the matter? You barely touched your food.
Grumpy: I don't know. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I don't feel at all like myself. Maybe I should have Doc take a look at me.
Bossy: You're going to trust a dwarf that got his medical degree from a pick axe? I wouldn't worry about it. Dwarves don't get sick. It must be in your head.
(Belle, who is sitting at the next table, overhears them talking.)
Belle: It's not in his head - it's in his heart. You're in love.
Bossy: Well, that's impossible. Dwarves can't fall in love.
Belle: Trust me. I know love, and you're in it.
(Bossy dismissively waves his hand and goes back to join the others.)
Grumpy: What's it like?
Belle: It's the most wonderful and amazing thing in the world. Love is hope. It fuels our dreams. And if you're in it, you need to enjoy it. Because love doesn't always last forever.
Grumpy: But, if love's so great, then why do I feel so bad right now?
Belle: You need to be with the person you love.
Grumpy: Yeah, but how do I know she feels the same way? All she talked about was going to see some fireflies - not loving me.
Belle: What... what did she tell you about these fireflies?
Grumpy: Uh, that she was going to go see them on the hilltop tonight. That she heard they were the most beautiful sight in all the land. What?
Belle: She wasn't telling you about the fireflies. She was inviting you to go be with her.
Grumpy: You think so?
Belle: I've had my heart broken enough to know when somebody's reaching out. Now go. Find your love, find your hope, find your dreams.
-[Real World]-
(Astrid is picking up the plums (or whatever they are) that she dropped, when Leroy enters the Volunteer Center. Mary Margaret watches from the other side of the room.)
Leroy: Sister Astrid?
Astrid: Hi.
Leroy: I have to talk to you. See, I have some bad news.
Astrid: Oh, no. What is it?
Leroy: The bad news is, that... That... You nuns are going to be real busy making candles, cause me and Mary Margaret just sold them all. You're not losing the convent. You're not going anywhere.
(Astrid hugs Leroy. Afterwards, Mary Margaret pulls Leroy aside.)
MMB: How could you tell Astrid that we sold all those candles? That is five thousand dollars, Leroy. Five thousand dollars that we don't have.
Leroy: Don't worry about it, alright? I got a plan.
MMB: What plan? A plan like going door to door and having everyone in town laugh in our faces?
Leroy: Just give me till the end of the day. I'll figure something out.
MMB: And why is this so important to you?
Leroy: The nuns... They're going to have to leave.
MMB: Oh, my God. You like her! She is a nun, Leroy. Could you possibly pick anyone any less available?
Leroy: Says the girl who went after a married guy? At the end of the day, you're no better than I am. You got your reasons for being here, I got mine. And when I say I'm going to get that five thousand dollars, I'm going to get that five thousand dollars.
-[Fairy Tale World]-
(Grumpy runs through the forest up a hill, until he reaches the top. Nova is waiting there.)
Nova: I didn't think you were going to show up.
Grumpy: I was afraid I was too late.
Nova: Well, you did cut it pretty close. Come on.
(She brings the two of them to a clearing at the edge of the hill. They can see the land below.)
Grumpy: Wow! Look at all those lights. Are those the fireflies?
Nova: No! That's the village.
Grumpy: Oh.
Nova: And, beyond that, all the lights of the kingdom.
Grumpy: You've seen a lot of this world, haven't you?
Nova: From a distance, yes.
Grumpy: What's wrong with that?
Nova: Flying over the world and being a part of it aren't exactly the same thing.
Grumpy: Well, at least you've seen the world. Me? I live in the mines, underground. All I ever see is diamonds and dirt and dwarves. You know... We could see it together. Get a boat, sail all over, explore everything the world has to offer.
(Suddenly, hundreds of fireflies appear.)
Nova: Oh, look!
(Nova kisses Grumpy.)
Nova: Okay, let's do it. Tomorrow night, after I drop off the dust, let's meet back here. We'll run off together. We'll see the world.
Grumpy: Sounds like a dream come true.
-[Real World]-
(Leroy tries to sell his boat to Mr. Gold at the docks.)
Leroy: Now, I know it's a bit of a fixer-upper, could probably use a new coat of paint, a few spritzes of Febreze here and there, but you can't tell me that five thousand's not a reasonable price for this beauty.
Mr. Gold: Three thousand, I think.
Leroy: I need five.
Mr. Gold: You need five? To what do we owe the specificity?
Leroy: Trying to help out a friend.
Mr. Gold: Oh, I see.
Leroy: Look, you don't even have to pay me anything. Just forgive one month's rent for the nuns.
Mr. Gold: The nuns?
Leroy: You can have the boat. They'll pay you back eventually. It's a good deal. You get everything.
Mr. Gold: So, that's what this is about.
Leroy: Come on - you're a rich guy. You can afford to give them time to make up one month's, right?
Mr. Gold: You're right - I could.
Leroy: So, great.
Mr. Gold: But I won't. I have a fairly specific rental agreement. If they miss a payment, I'm within my rights to evict.
Leroy: Oh, come on. Why don't you-
Mr. Gold: And, quite honestly, it's going to be a great relief to be rid of such distasteful tenants.
Leroy: You don't like nuns? Who doesn't like nuns?
Mr. Gold: Oh, I have my reasons. And they're mine. Let's just say, I have a long and complicated history with them, and leave it at that.
(Mr. Gold leaves. Leroy briefly goes into the cabin of the boat, when Astrid arrives. Leroy goes back outside and sees she has a pie.)
Astrid: Hello?
Leroy: Astrid!
Astrid: Mary Margaret said I might find you down here. I... I made you a pie. It's the least I could do after all your help. Oh, this boat is great! It's going to be amazing when you get it out on the water. I can't even remember the last time I was on it-
(Astrid sees the boxes of candles underneath a tarp.)
Astrid: What... What's this?
(She pulls back the tarp.)
Astrid: If you sold all the candles, why are they still here, Leroy?
Leroy: I didn't sell them all. I tried to, but nobody wanted to buy them from me. I was going to tell you the truth, but I was afraid of letting you down.
Astrid: So, you lied.
Leroy: I'm sorry, Astrid. I guess you believed in the wrong guy.
[SCENE_BREAK]
(At the station, Emma is looking at pictures from the crash site on a bulletin board. Sidney enters with a folder.)
Emma: You find something?
(He hands Emma the folder.)
Sidney: Kathryn's phone records. Every call she made the day she crashed her car. Including an eight minute call between her and David within an hour of the accident.
Emma: That's not possible. He said he didn't speak to her that day.
Sidney: Then, he's lying.
Emma: No. I know when someone is lying, and David-
Sidney: It's right here on paper, Emma. Phone records don't lie - people do. And our friend David does it better than most. Don't beat yourself up over this. You're not the only person David fooled.
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Mary Margaret is having a drink at Granny's Diner. Leroy comes in and sits next to her.)
Leroy: I'll have what she's having.
MMB: Well? Did you get it?
Leroy: What do you think?
MMB: I think you're right. I was dreaming if I thought the town harlot and the town drunk could accomplish anything.
Leroy: Yeah. Just dreaming.
-[Fairy Tale World]-
(Grumpy tries to sneak out while the other dwarves are sleeping. However, Stealthy is awake. Stealthy clears his throat to make himself known.)
Grumpy: Stealthy.
(The noise wakes the other dwarves.)
Stealthy: You know, if you wanted to sneak out, you should've come to me.
Sneezy: You're leaving us?
Doc: Without even saying good bye?
Sneezy: B-but where you going?
Grumpy: To be with Nova. We're in love. We're going to see the world together.
Stealthy: I don't understand. I thought we were meant to live our lives here - in the mines.
Grumpy: I thought so, too. But things change when you fall in love. Suddenly, anything seems possible.
(Sneezy hands Grumpy an axe.)
Sneezy: Well, take this with you. It might come in handy.
Grumpy: I don't need it anymore.
(The eight of them group hug.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Grumpy heads through the forest towards Firefly Hill. Bossy has followed him.)
Bossy: You can't do this, Dreamy. You can't go to her.
Grumpy: Why not?
Bossy: You have a responsibility. To mine the diamonds we make into fairy dust.
Grumpy: But, I love her.
Bossy: You're a dwarf, Dreamy. We're not capable of love. It's not how we're made.
Grumpy: But, what if I'm different? What if you're wrong?
(The Blue Fairy appears.)
Blue Fairy: Bossy's not wrong, young one. What you feel - it's just a dream.
Grumpy: Who are you?
Blue Fairy: I'm Nova's teacher. And if the two of you run away together, it will not end well. Nova will lose her wings. But, if you return to the mines, and if you allow Nova to become the fairy that she was meant to be, the two of you will bring untold joy to the world. Nova can be a great fairy - if you let her. The choice is yours.
-[Real World]-
(Mary Margaret and Leroy are still drinking at the diner.)
MMB: Leroy, you understand that a relationship between you and Sister Astrid can never happen?
Leroy: Yeah, yeah. My whole life people made it their business to tell me what I can't do. She was the first person that said I could do anything. Who believed in me. I didn't want to disappoint her.
MMB: But there are consequences to following through when the world tells you not to. I mean, look at me. I am a pariah in this town.
Leroy: What about your good memories?
MMB: What do you mean?
Leroy: Didn't you have moments with him that you love? Do you regret them?
MMB: No, of course not.
Leroy: Isn't that what life's about? Holding on to your good memories? All I wanted was a moment with Astrid. One moment to give me hope that any dream's possible. You've had all that, Mary Margaret. So, stop feeling sorry for yourself and enjoy it. Because I haven't.
MMB: Well, if I had the dream, I'm sorry to say, it wasn't worth it.
Leroy: And sitting here drinking won't end this pain.
MMB: What will?
Leroy: I can only think of one thing.
[SCENE_BREAK]
(At the Miner's Day festival, Leroy, who has a pick axe, is on the roof of one of the buildings. He sees a transformer near him.)
Leroy: Perfect.
(Mary Margaret also climbs onto the roof.)
MMB: Leroy! What are you doing? Please, don't do it!
Leroy: I'm not going to jump.
MMB: You're not?
Leroy: No, are you crazy? I could hit someone. You know how much damage I could do? I'm solidly built.
MMB: Leroy, what are you doing up here?
Leroy: I'm going to get my moment.
MMB: Wait! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! What?
Leroy: You might want to duck.
(Leroy hits the transformer with the axe. The power goes out at the festival.)
MMB: What are you doing?
Leroy: I'm selling candles, sister.
-[Fairy Tale World]-
(Nova is waiting at the clearing at the edge of the hill. Grumpy arrives.)
Nova: Dreamy, come on! I have to show you something.
Grumpy: Nova, we need to talk.
Nova: No, you have to see this.
(She magically produces a telescope and hands it to Grumpy.)
Nova: Take a look.
(He looks through the telescope and spots a boat on the water.)
Grumpy: It's amazing.
Nova: It has everything we need to explore the world. Supplies, maps of all the kingdoms, a sturdy sail-
Grumpy: Nova. I can't go with you.
Nova: What about our life together? Our dream?
Grumpy: I'm a dwarf, Nova. I belong in the mines. You belong with the other fairies, and that's never going to change.
Nova: Dreamy, you control what changes in your life. Never let yourself forget - you're special.
Grumpy: Why? What makes us different from any other dwarf and fairy out there?
Nova: Our love.
Grumpy: I don't think it's love. It's a dream - we need to put it away.
Nova: I don't want to put it away.
Grumpy: I'm not your dream, Nova. Your dream's to be a fairy godmother, and you can still be that.
Nova: You talked to the Blue Fairy.
Grumpy: It doesn't matter.
Nova: What did she say?
Grumpy: It doesn't matter.
Nova: What did she say?
Grumpy: Nova! What matters is, I can't stand in the way of your happiness.
Nova: You're my happiness! I love you. Don't you love me?
Grumpy: I'm a dwarf - I can't love.
[SCENE_BREAK]
(The dwarves are mining in the mines.)
Bossy: Let's pick up the pace, boys! We're making magic here!
(Grumpy enters. Everyone stops working and looks at him.)
Grumpy: Where's my axe? Where's my axe?
Sneezy: Dreamy! You're...back!
(Bossy hands Grumpy a pick axe.)
Bossy: Well, heigh-ho, boys! Good to have you back, Dreamy.
Grumpy: No place I'd rather be. Heigh-ho.
(Grumpy starts to furiously pound at a rock. The others stop and stare. Eventually, the handle breaks off of the axe.)
Grumpy: Bossy - hand me another axe.
Bossy: Here you are, Dreamy.
(Bossy hands Grumpy another axe. On the handle, a new name appears - Grumpy.)
Grumpy: It's Grumpy now.
-[Real World]-
(All of the people at the Miner's Day festival mob Mary Margaret and Leroy to buy candles. Mary Margaret then notices that all of the boxes are empty.)
MMB: Leroy. We sold out.
(The two of them hug. They see Astrid standing with the other nuns.)
MMB: Well, go on - give her the news. Have your moment.
(Leroy brings the box of money over to the group of nuns.)
Astrid: Excuse me.
(The other nuns leave, leaving Astrid and Leroy alone.)
Leroy: Five thousand bucks. Piece of cake.
Astrid: You sold them all?
Leroy: I had a little help.
Astrid: You made it happen.
Leroy: You have no idea.
Astrid: I don't know what to say.
Leroy: You're welcome. Listen - that boat of mine? I'm going to fix it up. And, well, maybe you could be my first passenger.
Astrid: I'd like that.
Leroy: Well, then, that's what we'll do, sister.
Astrid: Oh. It's beautiful, isn't it?
(They look around the festival and see everyone holding the lit candles.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Emma is looking over Kathryn's phone records at the station. The name 'D. Nolan' is highlighted. Regina enters.)
Emma: If this is about the blackout, I've got the guys from the power company down there working on it.
Regina: That's not why I'm here. It's been twenty-four hours since my friend, Kathryn, went missing. Have you found anything?
Emma: I found something. I just don't know what it means.
Regina: Well, what is it?
Emma: At this point in the investigation, it's best I don't divulge that information.
Regina: If you're covering for someone, if you're not doing your job, Sheriff Swan, I'll find someone who will.
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Mary Margaret makes a 'sold out' sign and puts it at the front of the candle booth. She walks to her car, which still has the word 'tramp' spray painted on it. She stares at it for a moment, and then decides to go back to the Miner's Day festival. Granny stops her and relights Mary Margaret's candle. David watches Mary Margaret walk past as Emma arrives. Emma approaches him.)
David: Emma.
Emma: David, we need to talk.
David: Did you get a hold of Kathryn?
Emma: No, I'm afraid not.
David: Then, what is it?
Emma: I need you to come to the sheriff's station with me and tell me everything.
David: I'm sorry. I thought I already did.
Emma: So did I.
(Emma leads David to the back seat of her squad car. Mary Margaret looks on worriedly.)
-[End]- | Plan: A: Unlikely allies; Q: What are Mary Margaret and Leroy? A: Leroy; Q: Who makes a promise to a nun that he may not be able to keep? A: the Storybrooke nuns; Q: Who do Mary Margaret and Leroy help sell candles for? A: the town's Miner's Day festival; Q: When do the nuns sell their candles? A: a nun, Astrid; Q: Who does Leroy make a promise to that he may not be able to keep? A: Emma; Q: Who investigates the disappearance of David's wife? A: the mysterious disappearance; Q: What is Emma investigating about Kathryn? A: Grumpy; Q: Who finds forbidden love with beautiful but clumsy fairy Nova? A: Nova; Q: Who does Grumpy fall in love with in the fairytale land? Summary: Unlikely allies Mary Margaret and Leroy team together for a good cause to help the Storybrooke nuns sell their candles during the town's Miner's Day festival. But Leroy makes a promise to a nun, Astrid, that he may not be able to keep; and Emma looks into the mysterious disappearance of David's wife, Kathryn. Meanwhile, in the fairytale land that was, Grumpy finds forbidden love with beautiful but clumsy fairy Nova. |
Prologue: In every generation there is a Chosen One. She alone will stand against the vampires, the demons and the forces of darkness. She is the Slayer. The Bronze. The camera extends out from the catwalk, looking straight down onto the people below. They are dancing to the slow, sensual rhythm of "Never an Easy Way" performed by Morcheeba.
Lyrics: Think I slip the net / But I cut myself free
Cut to the crowd below. Buffy and Xander are dancing together, but not close, and exchange a few words as they move around. Behind them Cordelia and Willow are sitting at a table and chatting.
Lyrics: I'm not losing yet / So don't forget me / I'll say it, replay it... A man crosses in front of the camera, temporarily blocking the view, and when he's gone by Angelus is standing beyond the table near the base of the stairs. He watches them dance. His voice narrates throughout the scene.
Angelus: Passion.
Lyrics: ...and try tomorrow
Angelus: It lies in all of us.
Lyrics: I'll say it, replay it...
Angelus: Sleeping...
Lyrics: ...and live with sorrow
Angelus: ...waiting... And though unwanted...
Lyrics: You'd think I'd learn by now
Angelus: ...unbidden... it will stir...
Lyrics: There's never an easy way He begins to move around the room, all the while keeping his stare on Buffy.
Angelus: ...open its jaws, and howl.
Lyrics: I'll get through somehow / I'm on my knees to pray Cut outside to the alley. Willow and Buffy come walking out of the Bronze. Buffy has her arm hooked into Willow's. Cordelia and Xander are behind them with their arms around each other.
Lyrics: You'd think I'd learn by now / There's never an easy way They walk past a couple, apparently engaged in a kiss. The camera stops on the couple.
Lyrics: I'll get through somehow... The man lifts his head from the woman, and it's Angelus, just finishing a bite. He lets the woman's dead body fall to the pavement. He steps out into the alley, leaving the woman's body lying there, and watches the group as they walk away, completely unaware of his presence and his deed. He morphs into his human guise and begins to follow.
Cut to a shot into Buffy's room from outside of her window. Buffy walks around her bed past the window. On her way back she pauses by the window and looks out. She lifts the blinds a little and scans around. Seemingly satisfied that no one's there she walks back over to her closet, unzipping the back of her dress along the way.
Cut to later inside her room. She's in her pajamas now. She sets her alarm and gets into bed. She reaches over to turn off her light and settles in to sleep. The camera closes in on her a little and turns to include the window in the shot. Angelus is outside looking in.
Cut to even later in her room. The camera closes in on a sleeping Buffy. A shadow comes across her bed, and a hand reaches over to stroke her hair with its fingers. The camera pans over to the person, and it's Angelus, sitting on the edge of her bed and looking down at her. He continues his narration as the camera pulls out for a shot of him sitting next to her while she sleeps.
Angelus: It speaks to us... guides us... Passion rules us all. And we obey. What other choice do we have? Opening credits roll. Buffy's theme plays. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 1 ~~~~~~~~~~ Morning in Buffy's room. The camera pans from the foot of her bed up to her face. She stirs and wakes. She opens her eyes to look over at her clock, but they fix on an envelope left next to her on her pillow. She lets out an inquiring moan, pushes her hair back and picks up the envelope as she sits up. She looks down at it and sees that it's blank. She opens it, takes out the paper inside, unfolds it and can only stare at it in disbelief. Cut to a view of the sheet. On it is a pencil sketch of her sleeping.
Buffy: He was in my room.
Cut to the library. Giles is behind the counter checking in various books. Buffy walks past him toward the table as he looks up.
Giles: Who?
Buffy: Angel. He was in my room last night. He comes out from behind the counter and follows her over to the table. Xander and Cordelia are there also.
Giles: Are you sure?
Buffy: Positive. When I woke up, I found a picture he'd left me on my pillow. (crosses her arms)
Xander: A visit from the pointed-tooth fairy.
Cordelia: Wait, I thought vampires couldn't come in unless you invited them in.
Giles: Yes, but, uh, once you've invited them in, thereafter they're, they're always welcome. Buffy looks down, then over at Xander as he speaks.
Xander: Y'know, I think there may be a valuable lesson for you gals here about inviting strange men into your bedrooms.
Cordelia: (realizes) Oh, God! (looks at Xander) I invited him in my car once. (looks at Giles) That means he can come into my car whenever he wants.
Xander: Yep, you're doomed to havin' (Cordelia looks at him) to give him and his vamp pals a lift whenever they feel like it. And those guys never chip in for gas. Cordelia looks away, disgusted.
Buffy: Giles, there has to be some sort of spell to reverse the invitation, right? Like a barrier, a no shoes, no pulse, no service kind of thing?
Cordelia: Yeah, that works for a car, too?
Giles: Yes, well, I-I-I could check on my...
Xander: (hops up from his chair) Hello! They all look behind them and see Jonathon and a girl come into the library.
Xander: Excuse me, but have you ever heard of knocking?
Jonathon: (gestures to the library before him) We're supposed to get some books. On Stalin. (nods)
Xander: (points at Jonathon) Does this look like a Barnes & Noble?
Giles: This is a school library, Xander.
Xander: Since when?
Giles: (to Jonathon) Uh, y-yes, yes, uh, third row. (gestures to the stacks) Historical biographies.
Jonathon: Thanks. He and the girl walk past them, up the stairs and into the stacks. The others watch them go until they disappear. Xander points out of the library. He and Cordelia pick up their things and start out. Giles looks at Buffy, confused, but follows.
Giles: What... (gets a look from Buffy) Oh! Jonathon comes back out of the stacks.
Jonathon: Hey, did you say that was the... (sees they're gone) Hello?
Cut to the hall. Xander and Cordelia lead Giles and Buffy as they walk along.
Giles: So Angel has decided to step up his harassment of you?
Cordelia: By sneaking in her room and leaving stuff at night? Why doesn't he just slit her throat or strangle her while she's sleeping or cut her heart out? (gets looks from everyone) What? I'm trying to help. They've left the hall and walk along the colonnade.
Giles: Yes. (to Buffy) Uh, uh, look, it's-it's classic battle strategy to throw one's opponent off his game. He-he-he's just trying to provoke you. Uh, to taunt you, to, to goad you into, uh, some mishap of some sort.
Xander: (looks back at Giles) The (sing-song) nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah approach to battle?
Giles: Yes, Xander, once more you've managed to boil a complex thought down to its simplest possible form. (Xander smiles)
Buffy: Giles, Angel once told me that when he was obsessed with Drusilla, the first thing h-he did was to kill her family.
Xander: (stops and looks at her) Your mom.
Buffy: I know. I'm gonna have to tell her something. (sits on a wall and looks at Giles) The truth?
Giles: (approaches her, waving his finger) No. You-you-you-you can't do that.
Xander: Yeah. The more people who know the secret, the more it cheapens it for the rest of us.
Buffy: But I've gotta tell her something. I've gotta do something. Giles, Angel has an all-access pass to my house, and I'm not always there when my mother is. I can't protect her.
Giles: (flustered) I told you I will find a-a spell.
Buffy: What about *until* you find a spell?
Cordelia: Until then, you and your mother are welcome to ride around with me in my car.
Giles: Buffy, I-I understand your concern, but it's imperative that you keep a level head through all this.
Buffy: That's easy for you to say. You don't have Angel lurking in your bedroom at night.
Giles: I know how hard this is for you. (gets a look from Buffy) All right, I don't. But as the Slayer, you don't have the luxury of being a slave to your, your passions. You mustn't let Angel get to you. No matter how provocative his behavior may become.
Buffy: So what you're basically saying is, 'just ignore him, and maybe he'll go away'?
Giles: (exhales) Yes. Precisely.
Xander: Hey, how come Buffy doesn't get a snotty 'once again you boil it down to the simplest form' thing? Giles and Buffy both look over at him. He looks her up and down.
Xander: Watcher's pet.
Cut to Jenny's computer science class.
Jenny: Don't forget, I need your sample spreadsheets by the end of the week. The bell rings, and she walks around behind her desk.
Jenny: Oh, and I want both a paper printout and a copy on disk. Thank you. She looks down at her desk for a second, then back up and reaches her arm out to get Willow's attention before she goes.
Jenny: Willow.
Willow: (approaches the desk) Yes?
Jenny: Um, I might be a little late tomorrow. Do you think you could cover my class till I show?
Willow: (smiling brightly) Really? Me? Teach the class? Sure!
Jenny: Cool.
Willow: (suddenly worried) Oh, wait. W-what if they don't recognize my authority? What if they try to convince me that you always let them leave class early? What if there's a fire drill? What if there's a fire?
Jenny: (reassuringly) Willow, you're gonna be fine. And I'll try not to be too late, okay?
Willow: (calmer) Okay. Good. Earlier is good. (smiles) Will I have the power to assign detention? Or make 'em run laps? Buffy and Giles appear at the door.
Buffy: Hey, Will. Jenny and Willow look over at her.
Jenny: Hi, Buffy. Rupert. Giles looks down.
Buffy: (ignoring Jenny) Willow, I thought I might take in a class. Figured I could use someone who knows where they are. Willow glances over at Jenny with her eyes and then starts to walk out of the classroom.
Willow: (to Buffy) Sorry. I have to talk to her. She's a teacher, and teachers are to be respected, (they exit the room) even if they're only filling in until the real teacher shows up, because otherwise chaos could ensue... Giles has let the girls go, and now steps into the classroom. His hands are in his pockets.
Jenny: How have you been?
Giles: Uh, not so good, actually. Uh, since Angel lost his soul, he's regained his sense of whimsy.
Jenny: Well, that sounds bad. (crosses her arms)
Giles: He's been in Buffy's bedroom. I-I-I need to drum up a spell to, uh, keep him out of the house. She reaches down to her desk and picks up an old book.
Jenny: This might help. (hands it to Giles) I've been doing a little reading since Angel changed. (crosses her arms again) I don't think you have that one.
Giles: Thank you. (leafs through it)
Jenny: So, how's Buffy doing?
Giles: (closes and lowers the book) How do you think?
Jenny: (faces away) I know you feel betrayed.
Giles: Yes. Well, that's one of the unpleasant side effects of betrayal.
Jenny: (looks down at her desk) Rupert... I was raised by the people that Angel hurt the most. (looks up at Giles) My duty to them was the first thing I was ever taught. I didn't come here to hurt anyone, (looks away) a-and I lied to you because I thought it was the right thing to do. I... I didn't know what would happen. I didn't know I was gonna fall in love with you. She pauses for a moment before looking back up at Giles. They exchange a meaningful look, but then she looks away again.
Jenny: Oh, God. Is it too late to take that back?
Giles: Do you want to?
Jenny: (looks at him) I just wanna be right with you. I don't expect more. I just want so badly to make all this up to you.
Giles: I understand. But I'm not the one you need to make it up to. She looks at him, understanding. He gives her a little smile and raises the book.
Giles: Thank you for the book. He turns and walks out of the room. She just watches him go.
Cut to the dining room at Buffy's house. She and Joyce are having dinner. Buffy is just picking at her food. Joyce puts down her fork, folds her hands and leans forward on the table toward her daughter.
Joyce: Okay. What's wrong?
Buffy: (looks at her mom) It's nothing. (looks at her plate)
Joyce: Come on. You can tell me anything. (Buffy eyes her) I've read all the parenting books. You cannot surprise me. Buffy puts down her fork, puts her hands in her lap and looks over at her mother.
Buffy: Do you remember that guy Angel?
Joyce: Angel, the, um... (thinks) the college boy who was tutoring you in history?
Buffy: Right. Uh, he... I-I... (looks down and whispers) Oh, God. Um... (looks back up) We're sort of dating, *were* dating, um, going through a serious off-again phase right now.
Joyce: (smiles) Don't tell me. He's changed. He's not the same guy you fell for?
Buffy: (smiles nervously) In a nutshell. (loses the smile) A-anyway, um... since he changed, he's been kinda following me around. He's having trouble letting go.
Joyce: (concerned) Buffy, has he done anything...
Buffy: No! No, it's not like that. He's just been hanging around... a lot. Just sending me notes, that kind of thing. (gets a concerned look from Joyce) I just don't wanna see him right now. I mean, if he shows up, I'll talk to him. Just... don't invite him in.
Cut to Willow's room. She's in her pajamas, walking around with her cordless phone to her ear.
Willow: I agree with Giles. You need to just try and not let him get to you. (heads for her desk) Angel's only doing this to try to get you to do something stupid. (closes her laptop) I swear, men can be such jerks sometimes. Dead or alive. (goes to her new aquarium)
Buffy: I just hope Giles can find a keep-out spell soon.
Cut to Buffy sitting on her bed, also in pajamas, talking into her phone.
Buffy: I know I'll sleep easier when I can... sleep easier.
Cut to Willow sprinkling fish food into her tank.
Willow: I'm sure he will. He's like book-man. (puts away the food) Until then, try and keep happy thoughts and... She sees something on her bed. Cut to Buffy.
Buffy: And what?
Cut to Willow.
Buffy: Willow? Willow holds the phone between her cheek and shoulder and reaches down for a blank envelope on her bed.
Buffy: Willow? Willow turns back toward her aquarium. The camera follows her and pans around the tank for a shot of her through the fishless water. She opens the envelope and finds a string. She pulls on it, and out come her fish, strung together one after the other. Willow loses her grip on her phone and it falls to the floor.
Cut to later in Buffy's room. She and Willow are sitting on her bed. Behind them is a string of garlic cloves hanging on the wall. Willow has a stake in her hand that she's fidgeting with nervously while she looks around.
Willow: Thanks for having me over, Buffy. Especially on a school night and all.
Buffy: No problem. Hey, sorry about your fish.
Willow: Oh, it's okay. We hadn't really had time to bond yet. Although for the first time I'm glad my parents didn't let me have a puppy.
Buffy: (stares into space) It's so weird... Every time something like this happens, my first instinct is still to run to Angel. I can't believe it's the same person. He's completely different from the guy that I knew. (looks at Willow)
Willow: Well, sort of, except...
Buffy: Except what?
Willow: (looks at Buffy) You're still the only thing he thinks about. Buffy looks down at her hands.
Cut to Spike's warehouse. He's in his wheelchair in the foreground at the head of the table. Drusilla comes in behind him, holding a puppy behind her back.
Drusilla: I brought something for you. (brings out the whining puppy) Poor thing. She's an orphan. (reaches Spike) Her owner died... (smiles at him) without a fight. Do you like her? (he looks at her) Hmm? (reaches her hand into his jacket and rubs his chest) I brought her especially for you... (pulls at his jacket) to cheer you up. (raises the puppy) And I've named her... (sweetly) Sunshine! (offers the puppy to Spike) Open wide. (he looks away) Come on, love. You need to eat something to keep your strength up. Now, (waves the puppy around) rrrrr, open up for mummy.
Spike: I won't have you feeding me like a child, Dru. (wheels around the table)
Angelus: (comes in) Why not? She already bathes you, carries you around and changes you like a child.
Drusilla: Why, Angel. (he smiles at her) Where have you been? The sun is almost up, and it can be so hurtful. (looks at Spike) We were worried.
Spike: No, we weren't.
Drusilla: You must forgive Spike. He's just a bit testy tonight. Doesn't get out much anymore.
Angelus: Well, maybe next time I'll bring you with me, Spike. Might be handy to have you around if I ever need a really good parking space.
Spike: Have you forgotten that you're a bloody guest in my bloody home?
Angelus: (steps closer) And as a guest, (leans in) if there's anything I can do for you... Any... responsibility I can assume while you're spinning your wheels... (looks over at Drusilla) Anything I'm not already doing, that is.
Spike: (shoves Angelus away angrily) That's enough! Angelus smiles widely and giggles.
Drusilla: Aww... She leans down to Spike, gives him a peck on the cheek and puts the puppy in his lap. He holds the puppy as she steps away and goes around the table.
Drusilla: You two boys... fightin' over me and all. (stops between two chairs) Makes a girl feel... Suddenly she looks up and moans loudly in apparent pain. Angelus steps over opposite her across the table, looking concerned.
Spike: Dru, what is it, pet?
Drusilla: (bent over in pain, breathing hard) The air. It worries. Someone... an old enemy is seeking help... (Angelus throws Spike a look) help to destroy our happy home. (leans against a chair) Ohhhh...
Cut to a tarot shop. The camera pans across a display table with a skull in a covered glass bowl, a small gong hung between two horns, a pig fetus in formaldehyde, what looks like a large crab also in formaldehyde and another jar. A pricing gun waves into view and puts prices on the last two jars. The shopkeeper continues on to price other things. Cut outside. Jenny walks around the railing in front of the shop and takes the steps down to the entrance. Cut inside the shop. She comes in the door and looks around. The shopkeeper looks up from his work.
Shopkeeper: (with a Rumanian accent) Welcome. How may I serve you today?
Jenny: (faces him) Uh...
Shopkeeper: Love potion? Perhaps a voodoo doll for that unfaithful...
Jenny: (interrupts) I need an Orb of Thesulah.
Shopkeeper: (drops the accent) Oh, you're in the trade. Sorry about the spiel, but around Valentine's Day, I get a lot of tourists shopping for love potions and mystical revenge of past lovers. (goes behind the sales counter) Sad fact is, Ouija boards and rabbits' feet, that's what pay the rent around here. (goes into the back) So how did you hear about us?
Jenny: (checks out a few things) My Uncle Enyos told me about you.
Shopkeeper: (looks out at her) So you're Janna, then. (she looks at him) Sorry to hear about your uncle.
Jenny: Thank you.
Shopkeeper: (comes back with a round wooden box) He was a good customer. Well, no, there you go. (sets it down and opens it) One Thesulan Orb. Spirit vault for the rituals of the undead. (Jenny reaches into her purse) I don't get many calls for those lately. (she pulls out her wallet) Sold a couple as new age paperweights last year. (she hands him a credit card) Yeah, I just love those new-agers, boy. They helped to (imprints the card) send my youngest to college. (fills in the form) By the way, you do know that the transliteration annals for the ritual of the undead were lost. (hands her the form and a pen) Without the annals, the surviving text is gibberish.
Jenny: And without a translated text, the Orbs of Thesulah are pretty much useless. (signs) Yeah, I know. (hands him his copy)
Shopkeeper: Well, I only mention it because I have a strict policy of no refunds. (puts the lid on the box)
Jenny: It's okay. I'm working on a computer program to translate the Rumanian liturgy to English based on a random sampling of the text.
Shopkeeper: Yecchh. I don't like computers. They give me the willies.
Jenny: Well, (takes the box) thank you.
Shopkeeper: You're welcome. She takes the lid off of the box as she slowly walks toward the door.
Shopkeeper: By the way... (she looks back) Not that it's any of my business, really, but, uh, what are you planning on conjuring up? If you can decipher the text?
Jenny: A present for a friend of mine. (lifts the Orb)
Shopkeeper: Really? What are you gonna give him? She looks into the Orb and it begins to glow.
Jenny: His soul. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 2 ~~~~~~~~~~ Sunnydale High School. Willow and Buffy are chatting as they walk along the sidewalk and then up the steps.
Buffy: We'll be in hiding, probably... (inaudible)
Willow: (inaudible)
Buffy: Siberia.
Xander: (jumps up behind them) Well, good morning, ladies. And what did you two do last night?
Willow: We had kind of a 'pajama party sleepover with weapons' thing.
Xander: Oh. And I don't suppose either of you had the presence of mind to locate a camera to capture the moment.
Willow: I have to go. I have a class to teach in about five minutes, and I have to arrive early to glare disapprovingly at the stragglers. (sees Jenny arriving) Oh, darn. She's here. (walks off) Five hours of lesson planning yesterday down the drain...
Buffy: (sees Jenny, too) You know what? I'll see you in class. She leaves Xander, jogs up to Jenny and gets in front of her.
Buffy: Hey.
Jenny: Hi. Buffy looks at Jenny a moment, then averts her eyes.
Jenny: Uh, is there something that... Did you want something?
Buffy: Look... I know you feel badly about what happened, and I just wanted to say... Jenny looks at her expectantly.
Buffy: Good. Keep it up.
Jenny: (not surprised) Don't worry, I will.
Buffy: (holds up her hand) Oh, wait. Um... (looks at her) He misses you. He doesn't say anything, I mean, but I know he does. And I don't want him to be lonely. I don't want anyone to.
Jenny: Buffy, you know that if I have a chance to make this up...
Buffy: (interrupts) We're... good here. Let's just leave it. She walks away. Jenny watches her go.
Cut to the lounge. Giles is talking with a couple of students while searching through his briefcase for some flyers.
Giles: I put it here somewhere. (finds the flyers) Oh, yes, yes. That's it. (hands the flyers to the students) Could you, um, hang those up? (the students nod) Thank you. (sees Buffy arrive) Buffy. So, uh, so how was your night?
Buffy: Sleepless, but no human fatalities. Cordelia comes up to them.
Giles: I-I found a ritual to revoke the invitation to vampires.
Cordelia: Oh, thank goodness. I actually had to talk my grandmother into switching cars with me last night.
Giles: Um, the-the-the, uh, the ritual's fairly basic, actually. It's just the recitation of a few rhyming couplets, burning of, uh, moss herbs, sprinkling of holy water... (turns down the hall)
Buffy: (starts to follow) All stuff I have in my house.
Giles: Hanging of crosses...
Cut to Willow's room. She nails a cross next to her French doors and pulls the curtain over to hide it.
Willow: I'm gonna have a hard time explaining this to my dad.
Buffy: You really think it'll bother him?
Willow: Ira Rosenberg's only daughter nailing crucifixes to her bedroom wall? I have to go over to Xander's house just to watch 'A Charlie Brown Christmas' every year.
Buffy: I see your point. They go to her bed. Cordelia is looking at Willow's aquarium.
Willow: Although it is worthwhile to see him do the Snoopy Dance. (puts down the hammer)
Cordelia: Willow, (faces them, arms crossed) are you aware that there are no fish in your aquarium? Willow frowns and whines.
Buffy: You know, Cordelia, we've already done your car. Call it a night if you want.
Cordelia: Right. Thanks. And you know I'd do the same for you if you had a social life. She picks her coat up from Willow's bed and sees a blank envelope there.
Cordelia: Oh. (picks it up) This must be for you. She hands the envelope to Willow. Willow gives Buffy a worried glance and opens it. When she sees what's in it she hands it to Buffy.
Willow: It's for you. Buffy unfolds the paper and sees a pencil sketch of her mother sleeping.
Buffy: Mom.
Cut to Joyce driving home in her Jeep. Cut to a view of her from the lawn nearing the house. As she turns into the driveway the camera pulls back, and Angelus' legs come into view. Joyce sees him as she pulls to a stop and turns off the engine. He approaches her open car window.
Angelus: Mrs. Summers, I need to talk to you.
Joyce: (gets out with a bag of groceries) You're Angel.
Angelus: (pushes the door closed) Did Buffy tell you about us?
Joyce: She told me she wants you to leave her alone.
Angelus: I-I can't. I can't do that.
Joyce: You're scaring her.
Angelus: You have to help me. (she starts toward the house) Joyce... (follows her) I need, I need to be with her. Y-you can convince her. You have to convince her.
Joyce: Look, (Angelus gets in front of her) I'm telling you to leave her alone.
Angelus: You have to talk to her for me, Joyce. Tell her I need her.
Joyce: (goes around him) Please, look, I-I just wanna get inside, okay? She lets go of her bag with one hand and rummages in her purse for her keys, but she can't keep her grip on the bag, and it falls. Several oranges roll out and around. Angelus rights the bag and scrambles to pick a few of the oranges up.
Angelus: You don't understand, Joyce. (she finds her keys) I'll die without Buffy. She'll die without me.
Joyce: Are you threatening her?
Angelus: Please... Why is she doing this to me?
Joyce: I'm calling the police now. She forgets the grocery bag and goes to the door. There she fumbles with her keys, trying to find the right one. Angelus comes up next to her. She finally gets the key in the door.
Angelus: I haven't been able to sleep since the night we made love. Joyce looks up at him in surprise.
Angelus: I need her. I know you understand.
Joyce: (opens the door) Just leave us alone. (rushes in) Cut inside. He tries to follow, but comes up against an invisible barrier. Buffy and Willow come down the stairs. Willow reads a Latin verse from a book.
Willow: 'Hicce verbis consensus rescissus est.'
Translation: By these strong unanimous words [Angelus' permission to enter] is rescinded.
Buffy: (comes up to him) Sorry, Angel. Changed the locks. (slams the door in his face)
Cut to Jenny's classroom. She's at her desk working on the translation program. She takes a sip of coffee from her mug and sets it back down. She types a few keystrokes, then stares at the screen. Behind her Giles appears and stands in the doorway.
Giles: Hello. She startles and looks at him. Quickly she types a few keystrokes, and the screen changes. She turns back to him.
Jenny: Oh! Hi.
Giles: (steps into the room) You're working late.
Jenny: Special project.
Giles: Oh.
Jenny: I spoke to Buffy today.
Giles: Oh! Yes? (sits on her desk)
Jenny: Mm. (looks away) She said you missed me. (plays with a pencil)
Giles: Well, uh, she's... a meddlesome girl.
Jenny: (looks at him) Rupert... Okay, I don't wanna say anything if I'm wrong, but I may have some news. Now, I need to finish up here. Could I see you later?
Giles: Y-yes, yes. You could stop by my house.
Jenny: Okay. (smiles)
Giles: (smiles and gets up) Good. (smiles wider, then goes) Jenny turns her attention back to her computer.
Cut to the tarot shop. The Shopkeeper turns out the light by the front entrance and heads toward the back. A woman holding a puppy opens the door and steps in.
Shopkeeper: Sorry, honey. (blows out some candles) We're closed. He looks up and sees Drusilla standing there.
Shopkeeper: (nervous) W... What do you want?
Drusilla: (looks at the puppy) Miss Sunshine here tells me you had a visit today. (stares up) But she worries. (looks at the shopkeeper) She wants to know what you and the mean teacher talked about.
Cut to later in Jenny's classroom. She's still working at her computer. She taps a few keys, then looks up at the screen. A percent complete window appears over the Rumanian text, and the bar zips across it.
Jenny: Come on, come on... The bar disappears, and a translation scrolls up next to the original text.
Jenny: That's it! (exhales and smiles) It's gonna work! (saves the result) This... will work. She pops out an unlabeled yellow floppy disk and sets it aside by some books near the edge of her desk. In the mean time a hardcopy has started to print out. She wheels her chair over to the printer and looks it over. She looks up and sees Angelus sitting in a desk at the back of the class. She gasps and jumps out of her seat.
Jenny: Angel... (slowly moves toward the door) How did you get in here?
Angelus: I was invited. The sign in front of the school... 'Formatia trans sicere educatorum.'
Jenny: 'Enter all ye who seek knowledge.'
Angelus: (giggles and gets up) What can I say? I'm a knowledge seeker.
(comes toward her)
Jenny: (frightened) Angel, I-I-I've got good news.
Angelus: I heard. You went shopping at the local boogedy-boogedy store.
(sees the Orb on her desk and picks it up) The Orb of Thesulah. If memory serves, this is supposed to summon a person's soul... from the ether... store it until it can be transferred. The Orb begins to glow as he looks into it. He glances up at Jenny for an instant. She edges away from him.
Angelus: You know what I hate most about these things? Jenny screams as he heaves it into the chalkboard behind her. It shatters into hundreds of pieces and a lot of dust.
Angelus: (smiles) They're so damn fragile. (loses the smile) Must be that shoddy gypsy craftsmanship, huh? Jenny has backed into the wall and trembles with fear. She starts to inch her way toward the door. Angelus reaches over to the PC and turns the monitor so he can see it.
Angelus: I never cease to be amazed how much the world has changed in just two and a half centuries. Jenny has reached the door and tries to open it. It's locked. He turns the monitor back around.
Angelus: It's a miracle to me. You, you put the secrets to restoring my soul in here... He shoves the computer off her of desk and onto the floor. It breaks, and the monitor shatters and sparks and starts to burn. Angelus tears the printout from the printer.
Angelus: It comes out here. (looks at the paper) 'The Ritual of Restoration.' Wow. This, this brings back memories. He starts to tear the printout in half.
Jenny: Wait. That's your...
Angelus: Oh, my cure? (finishes tearing) No, thanks. Been there, done that, and deja vu just isn't what it used to be. (sees the fire) My... Isn't this my lucky day. The computer... (holds the paper over the flames) and the pages. (warms his hands) Looks like I get to kill two birds with one stone. He crouches over the fire to warm himself more. Jenny starts toward the back door. Angelus looks back up at her sporting his game face.
Angelus: And teacher makes three. She starts to run for it, but Angelus roars and quickly jumps and grabs hold of her.
Jenny: No! He throws her back into the locked door, and it breaks open. She looks back at him, scrambles to her feet and begins to run.
Angelus: Oh, good. I need to work up an appetite first.
Cut to the halls. Jenny comes running, opens the door to the lounge area and runs to another set of door to outside, but they are locked. She runs back into the lounge, sees Angelus coming and runs further down the hall. Angelus pulls open the doors and follows her at a fast walk. Cut outside to another hall exit. Jenny bursts through the door and runs along the colonnade. Angelus is not far behind, and continues after her at a quick pace. Soon he starts to run as well. Jenny keeps running, checking behind her every so often. She reaches the next building and struggles with the door. She looks back and sees Angelus running toward her with an evil grin on his face. She yanks hard at the door several more times before it opens, and she runs in. Cut inside the hall. Jenny pulls the door closed behind her and Angelus slams into it. She starts to run down the hall. Angelus has to yank at the door a couple of times before it opens for him, too, and he runs in after her. A cleaning cart is in the hall by the stairs, and Jenny grabs it and pushes it into Angelus. He slams into it and flies over it and onto the floor while she rushes up the steps.
Cut to a view down the stairs from above. Jenny runs up and out of view. Angelus isn't on the floor below anymore. He's nowhere to be seen.
Cut to a landing by a large arched window. Jenny runs up onto it and right into a waiting Angelus. She screams when he grabs hold of her. He chuckles and looks into her face. He puts one hand around behind her head and touches her lips with the fingers of his other. The view out of the window is of the park beyond with the palm trees lit up. A car drives by.
Angelus: Sorry, Jenny, this is where you get off. He takes his fingers from her lips and puts his hand under her chin. In one swift movement he twists her head and snaps her neck. Her body collapses to the floor. He looks up and around, breathing heavily from the running and the excitement.
Angelus: Ah... I never get tired of doing that.
[SCENE_BREAK]
~~~~~~~~~~ Part 3 ~~~~~~~~~~ Buffy's house. Giles steps up to the door and knocks. Willow comes to the door and opens it.
Giles: Willow, good evening. (steps in)
Willow: Hi. Come on in. (closes the door, hands him the book) Here's the book.
Giles: Right. (looks the book over) I guess I should do my apartment tonight. (looks up) The ritual go all right?
Willow: Oh, yeah. It went fine. Well, it went fine until Angel showed up and told Buffy's mom that he and Buffy had... (nervously) Well, you know, that they had... you know. You do know, right?
Giles: Oh, yes. Yes. Sorry.
Willow: (relieved) Oh, good, 'cause I just realized that being a librarian and all, you maybe didn't know.
Giles: Oh, thank you. I got it.
Willow: You would have been proud of her, though. She totally kept her cool. (smiles) There is an awkward moment of silence.
Willow: Okay, well, I'll tell Buffy you stopped by. (smiles)
Giles: (looks up the stairs) Would you, um... Perhaps I should intervene on, on Buffy's behalf w-w-with her mother. Um, maybe... say something?
Willow: Sure! Like, what would you say?
Giles: (looks up the stairs again) W... Uh... She reaches for the doorknob and opens it.
Giles: You will tell Buffy I dropped by? (goes out)
Willow: You bet. (closes the door)
Cut to Buffy's room. She's sitting on her bed. Joyce is pacing, trying to take in what she's hearing.
Buffy: That stuff with the Latins and the herbs, uh, he's just real superstitious.
Joyce: (sits with her eyes closed) Oh.
Buffy: We just thought if...
Joyce: Was he the first? (opens her eyes) No, wait. (stands up) I don't wanna know. (paces) I don't think I want to.
Buffy: Yeah. He was the first. I mean, the only.
Joyce: (stops and looks at her daughter) He's older than you.
Buffy: I know.
Joyce: Too old, Buffy. And he's obviously not very stable. I really wish... (sits again) I just thought you would show more judgment.
Buffy: (looks at her mother) He wasn't like this before.
Joyce: Are you in love with him?
Buffy: I was.
Joyce: Were you careful?
Buffy: (looks away) Mom, this is no time...
Joyce: (gets up again) Don't 'Mom' me, Buffy. You don't get to get out of this. You had s*x with a boy you *didn't* even see fit to tell me you were dating.
Buffy: (nods) I made a mistake.
Joyce: Yeah, well, don't just say that to shut me up, because I think you really did.
Buffy: I know that! (looks up at her) I-I can't tell you everything.
Joyce: How about anything? Buffy, you can shut me out of your life, I am pretty much used to that. But don't expect me to ever stop caring about you, because it's never gonna happen. I love you more than anything in the world. (sits next to Buffy on the bed) That would be your cue to, uh, roll your eyes and tell me I'm grossing you out.
Buffy: You're not.
Joyce: (inhales) Oh, well... (exhales) I guess that was the talk.
Buffy: So how'd it go? They look at each other.
Joyce: I don't know. It was my first.
Cut to Giles' apartment. He arrives at his door looking at his keys. He looks up and sees a red rose on the door and can hear the music of the opera "La Boheme", by Puccini, coming from inside. He takes the rose, inhales its aroma and smiles. He opens his door and goes in. Cut inside. Giles pokes his head in.
Giles: Hello? He sees no one there, so he steps in and closes the door behind him.
Giles: Jenny? He puts his briefcase aside and steps over to his coat rack.
Giles: It's me! He takes off his coat and hangs it up. He looks around again and sees a chilled bottle of champagne and two long-stemmed glasses on his desk. On top of the crystal ice bucket is a folded piece of paper leaning against the bottle. He sets down his keys and the rose and takes the note. He unfolds it and on it is one word: Upstairs. He smiles and looks up toward the loft. He takes off his glasses and sets them and the paper down. He runs his fingers through his hair, takes the bottle, looks at it, takes the two glasses and starts up the stairs. The opera music gets louder as he nears the loft. The camera follows his footsteps as he climbs the stairs. There is a rose on each step. When he reaches the top he is smiling. He sees Jenny on the bed, but she isn't moving, and his smile quickly fades. The opera reaches a crescendo as he drops the bottle and glasses, and they shatter on the floor. He continues to look at Jenny's body. Her dead eyes stare back at him.
Cut to later. Giles is leaning on the wall by his front door staring blankly into space. The coroners take Jenny's body away. A police officer approaches him.
Officer: Mr. Giles, I need to ask you to come with us. Just to answer a few questions.
Giles: (still staring blankly) Of course. Yes. Procedure. (looks at the officer) I need to make a phone call... if that's all right. The officer looks over at the phone and back at him, giving him tacit permission.
Giles: (whispers) Yes. (goes to the phone)
Cut to Buffy's house. Angelus is looking into the dining room through the window from the porch. Buffy and Willow walk through it and into the living room.
Angelus: (narrates) Passion is the source of our finest moments. The joy of love... the clarity of hatred... and the ecstasy of grief. The telephone rings, and Buffy runs back into the dining room to get it. She picks it up from the phone stand and turns so Angelus can see her face.
Buffy: Hello. Giles, hey! We did the, the thing. It worked. What? As she listens to Giles her expression becomes increasingly blank. She lowers the phone from her ear. Willow is there now, too, and takes the phone from Buffy.
Willow: Giles? Buffy leans against the wall and slides down against it into a crouch.
Willow: What? No! (puts the phone down) No! (begins to cry uncontrollably) Noooo! Angelus gloats as he looks into the window. Joyce comes into the dining room when she hears the crying and holds Willow. Buffy looks off into space, then finally lowers her head onto her knees. Angelus smiles and leaves.
Cut to later. Cordelia and Xander drive up to Buffy and Willow, who are waiting for them. Xander opens the passenger door and gets out.
Buffy: Where's Giles?
Xander: No luck. By the time we got to the station, (closes the door) the cops said he'd already left. (Cordelia closes her door) I guess they just wanted to ask him some questions.
Buffy: Cordelia, will you drive us to Giles' house?
Cordelia: Of course.
Willow: But don't you think he wants to be left alone?
Buffy: I'm not worrying about what he wants. I'm worried about what he's gonna do. They all get into the car.
Cut to Giles' apartment. The camera sweeps down the stairs. The roses have all been trampled and broken. The camera turns the corner of the staircase and sweeps across the area below. Giles' weapons chest is open and almost empty. He walks across the camera's path, drawing a sword. The camera continues around the room, over to his old Victrola, where the opera record has played out but is still spinning. The camera pulls back past the desk where Giles has a large bag sitting open with various weapons stashed inside. He adds a small can of gasoline, grabs the bag and heads out of the apartment. The camera closes in on the desk and pans down to a pencil sketch of Jenny lying dead on the bed. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 4 ~~~~~~~~~~ Giles' apartment. Xander pushes the door open. A piece of yellow crime scene tape is stretched across the doorway.
Xander: Hello? Giles? He ducks under the tape and comes in. Willow and the others follow. Xander goes over to the desk and looks around.
Xander: I guess Giles had a big night planned tonight.
Buffy: (picks up the sketch of Jenny) Giles didn't set this up. Angel did. (hands Xander the sketch) This is the wrapping for the gift. (heads upstairs)
Xander: Oh, man. (exhales) Poor Giles. Willow finds the nearly empty weapons chest.
Willow: Look, all his weapons are gone.
Cordelia: But I thought he kept his weapons at the library.
Xander: No, those are his, uh, everyday weapons. These were his good weapons. The ones he, uh, breaks out when company comes to visit. Buffy comes back downstairs and stops on the corner landing.
Willow: So he's not here.
Cordelia: Well, then where is he?
Buffy: He'll go to wherever Angel is. Xander turns to face the girls.
Willow: That means the factory, right?
Cordelia: So Giles is gonna try to kill Angel then?
Xander: Well, it's about time somebody did.
Willow: Xander!
Xander: I'm sorry, but let's not forget that I hated Angel long before you guys jumped on the bandwagon. So I think I deserve a little something for not saying 'I told you so' long before now. And if Giles wants to go after the, uh, (looks up at Buffy) fiend that murdered his girlfriend, I say, 'Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill!' (looks back at Willow and Cordelia)
Buffy: You're right. Willow and Cordelia look up at Buffy.
Xander: Thank you.
Buffy: (takes the rest of the steps down) There's only one thing wrong with Giles' little revenge scenario.
Xander: And what's that?
Buffy: It's gonna get him killed.
Cut to Spike's warehouse. Angelus is being lectured.
Spike: Are you insane?! We're supposed to kill the bitch, not leave gag gifts in the friends' beds.
Drusilla: (cuddles her puppy) But, Spike, the bad teacher was going to restore Angel's soul.
Spike: What if she did? If you ask me, I find myself preferring the old Buffy-whipped Angelus. This new, improved one is not playing with a full sack. (gets a look from Angelus) I love a good slaughter as much as the next bloke, but his little pranks will only leave us with one incredibly brassed-off Slayer!
Angelus: Don't worry, roller boy. I've got everything under control. A Molotov cocktail swooshes in and bursts on the table, setting it ablaze. Drusilla runs away with Spike wheeling right behind her. They stop out of reach of the flames. Angelus cuts across at the end of the table and gets hit in the shoulder with a crossbow bolt. He grabs it to pull it out while looking to see who his attacker is. Giles walks toward him with a baseball bat. Angelus pulls the bolt out and throws it aside. Giles puts the end of the bat into the flames, and it catches fire. He swings it and hits Angelus in the face, then again on the return swing. Angelus staggers and bends down.
Angelus: Jeez, whatever happened to wooden stakes? Giles whales on Angelus' back several times. Drusilla makes a move to intervene, but is held back by Spike.
Spike: Uh-uh. No fair going into the ring unless he tags you first. Angelus stands back up, but Giles swings the bat into his face twice again, making him fall once more. He continues beating on him, making Angelus collapse all the way to the floor. Angelus tries to get up, but Giles swings into his jaw from underneath. He wields the still burning bat over his head, but as he brings it down Angelus catches it, and they begin to struggle. Angelus quickly gains the upper hand, and takes Giles by the throat, lifting him off of his feet. He drops the bat.
Angelus: All right. You've had your fun. But you know what it's time for now? He gets kicked in the back by Buffy and lets Giles fall to the floor. She pulls him back and slams him into the spiral staircase.
Buffy: My fun. She kicks him in the face and then shoves him onto the floor. Drusilla quickly wheels Spike away. Buffy kicks Angelus in the face again as he tries to get up, and then lunges at him. He grabs her, flips her over and tries to get away up the stairs. Buffy gets back to her feet fast with Giles' dropped baseball bat in hand and pushes it between the stair railings to trip Angelus up. He falls and she grabs one of his legs. He kicks out at her with it and knocks her off of him and onto the floor. He scrambles up the stairs. Buffy gets up quickly. She sees a stack of crates, runs up it to the catwalk above, and meets Angelus there. He swings at her, but she ducks and kicks him in the back of the knee, making him collapse onto the railing. She grabs a loop of rope, throws it around his neck and yanks him back and forth between the railings several times, then kicks him in the chest, making him stagger back and fall onto his butt. He gets up fast, but she grabs onto a pipe above her head and swings with both feet into his chest again, making him fly back into a barrel and some ducting. She waits on the catwalk for him to come at her again, ready to fight. He charges, and she takes him and diverts him past her and onto the catwalk grating, where he lands with his head against one of the vertical railing bars. She kicks his face, and follows up with several punches and another kick. He starts to laugh as she grabs him by the coat and bangs his head into the railing a couple of times.
Angelus: Are you gonna let your old man just burn? She looks down and sees the flames getting higher and nearer to Giles. Angelus takes advantage of the distraction and grabs her legs, lifts her and throws her over the railing. She manages to control her fall and land on her feet near Giles. Angelus takes off down the catwalk and out of the building. Buffy wakes Giles and gets him to his feet, and she supports him as they make their way from the building also. Cut outside. They both come out coughing from the smoke. He pushes her away from him.
Giles: Why did you come here?! This wasn't your fight! She punches him in the jaw, and he spins and falls to the pavement.
Buffy: Are you trying to get yourself killed?! She begins to cry and crouches down to hug him. He cries and hugs her back.
Buffy: You can't leave me. I can't do this alone.
Cut to Giles' apartment building. Cut to his door, still with the crime scene tape across it.
Angelus: (narrates) It hurts sometimes more than we can bear. Giles tears the tape from his doorway and just stares at it for several seconds.
Angelus: (narrates) If we could live without passion, maybe we'd know some kind of peace. But we would be hollow. Giles enters his apartment.
Angelus: (narrates) Empty rooms, shuttered and dank...
Cut to the cemetery. The camera pans across a small pond.
Angelus: (narrates) Without passion, we'd be truly dead. The camera pans past Jenny's gravestone. Giles kneels down and lays some flowers on her grave. He looks at her name on the headstone for a moment before standing back up. Buffy is there next to him.
Giles: In my years as... Watcher... I've buried... too many people. But Jenny was the first I've loved.
Buffy: (looks up at him) I'm sorry. I'm sorry I couldn't kill him for you... (looks down at the grave) for her... when I had the chance.
Cut to a shot of the gravestone. It reads just 'Jennifer Calendar'.
Buffy: I wasn't ready.
Cut to Jenny's classroom. The students all wait at their desks for the teacher to arrive. Willow walks in and stands at the front of the room.
Buffy: (voiceover) But I think I finally am.
Willow: Hi. Principal Snyder asked me to fill in for Ms. Calendar... u- until the new computer science teacher arrives. So I'm just gonna stick to the lesson plan she left. She walks around to the front of the desk and looks over the books and things that are there.
Buffy: (narrates) I can't hold on to the past anymore. Angel has gone. Nothing's ever gonna bring him back. Willow puts down her own books, and in the process nudges a few books aside a little. As a result the yellow disk that Jenny had set next to the books gets pushed off of the edge. It falls between the desk and the small filing cabinet next to it. It hits the floor and spins around a few times before coming to rest leaning against the side of the cabinet. | Plan: A: high gear; Q: How does Angelus kick his terror campaign against Buffy and her friends? A: his next target; Q: What does Angelus lead Buffy and her friends to believe Joyce is? A: progress; Q: What does Jenny make in her Romani Ritual of Restoration? A: Buffy's terse blessing; Q: What helps Jenny get back together with Giles? A: their various homes; Q: Where do Jenny and Giles work with Buffy and Willow to ritually revoke Angel's invitations into? A: tragic results; Q: What happens when Angelus takes his anger out on Jenny? Summary: Angelus kicks his terror campaign against Buffy and her friends into high gear, leading them to believe Joyce is his next target. Jenny makes progress rediscovering the Romani Ritual of Restoration and, with Buffy's terse blessing, gets back together with Giles. Jenny and Giles also work with Buffy and Willow to ritually revoke Angel's invitations into their various homes. Angelus takes his anger out on Jenny with tragic results. |
ACT ONE
CLASS OF '68
Scene One - Café Nerovsa. Niles is sat at his table and the waitress brings him his coffee, which he thanks her for. Firstly, Niles pours his milk. After pouring he wipes a droplet from the milk cup with his serviette. Then he takes his spoon, wipes that, and prepares it to receive just the right amount of sugar.
Niles picks up the sugar and tips it - however the top falls off, covering the table in sugar. Some young girls laugh from the window seat. Niles is miffed.
Niles: That was a very childish prank. Now you have ruined my coffee! If you can't behave like adults you shouldn't be coming to a grown-up café!
Girl: It wasn't us!
Two middle-aged men start laughing - obviously it was them.
Girl: Aren't you going to yell at them?
Niles: They'll have already heard me yell at you.
The men get up and leave as Frasier enters.
Frasier: Niles, thank you for agreeing to meet me on such short notice, I swear I am in a full-blown crisis.
Niles: If you are talking about that garish belt, I have emergency suspenders in my car.
Frasier: It's not the belt! My high-school reunion is tonight and you know my history.
Niles: Oh, not this folderol again.
Frasier: It's not folderol!
Niles: It's folderol.
Frasier: It is not folderol! Every time my reunion comes around, it coincides with a severe downturn in my life. Five years ago Lilith divorced me; five years before that I was left at the altar; five years before that I fell face first into the poison ivy! And here we are right on schedule, I'm freshly fired!
Niles: I still don't know why you even went that poison ivy year.
Frasier: The point is, in ten minutes I have an extremely important job interview - a job which I am eminently qualified for, but now I have no chance of getting.
Niles: How can you know that?
Frasier: Because destiny won't allow it! Destiny plans for me to walk into that reunion this evening the way I always do, the class loser! Pitied and shunned by everyone until I end up sitting with the most pathetic people there.
Niles: You mean... the chess club?
Frasier: Worse! The chess club's barbershop quartet.
Niles: Oh, the Checkmates!
Frasier: I swear to God, I feel like I have a curse on my head!
Niles: Frasier, you are a man of science. You know curses don't exist. There's a perfectly rational explanation for all of this. You tripped and fell into the poison ivy; your radio station changed formats; your wife didn't love you.
Frasier: If this is a pep talk, would you kindly segue way to the peppy part?
Niles: The only reason why you're giving credence to this curse mumbo-jumbo is because you're nervous about your job interview. You're an intelligent man, any station would be lucky to have you, wouldn't they?
Frasier: Yes, I suppose.
Niles: You must stop doubting yourself. You deserve that job, so go out there and get it. In an hour's time it'll be yours, and after a short trip to the store to return that belt, you will thoroughly enjoy your reunion.
Frasier: Well, you're right, Niles. I should think positive. This interview will go just fine and so will this evening. All I have to do now is get a date - where the hell am I going to find a woman who's so desperate for an evening out she'd agree to go to someone else's reunion?
Roz: [enters] Hello, Frasier.
Niles: See, your luck's changing already!
[SCENE_BREAK]
BEST HAIR
Scene Two - KJMC Radio Station. Frasier arrives at the reception behind which Mr. Rugley is standing.
Frasier: Hello, excuse me, I'm looking for Stephen Rugley's office.
Rugley: Well, you've come to the right place.
Frasier: Oh, splendid. Is it possible for you to fetch me a coffee before my interview?
Rugley: Well, er...
Frasier: Oh, better yet, make it a cup of Chamomile tea, a squirt of lemon and a full teaspoonfull of honey.
Rugley: We'll try to get that for you as soon as my assistant gets back. Er, I'm Stephen Rugley. President of KJMC.
Frasier: [laughs] Lord, it's nice to meet you. I'm terribly sorry.
Rugley: All right Dr. Crane - it's a great suit, by the way.
Frasier: Thank you.
Rugley: You're....
Frasier thinks he's talking about his belt.
Frasier: I know, it's a bit risky. People have been commenting on it all day.
Frasier lets his jacket open, showing off his belt and we see that Rugley was in fact commenting on his open fly.
Frasier: It makes a bold statement, but frankly I like it! I came through the park on the way over here and it caught the eye of many a young lady!
Frasier looks down and, realising, zips up.
Frasier: Oh God, my fly! I thought you were talking about my belt.
Rugley: Well, shall we start the interview?
Frasier: Oh, good. We haven't started yet! Well...
Frasier and Mr. Rugley enter Rugley's office.
Rugley: I'm glad you could make it, Dr. Crane. I've enjoyed your work.
Frasier: Oh, that's very gracious of you, Mr. Ugly. [realises what he said:] Oh, dear God, I just said...
Rugley: What do you mean?
Frasier: Oh, I just said your name right now and it sounded like I called you Mr. Ugly. I assure you it won't happen again. It's just a matter of seperating the r's. [practicing:] Mr. Rug, Mr. Rug, Mr. Rug...
Mr. Rugley looks up from his desk, his hair has been muffled and we can see that he is wearing quite an obvious toupée.
Frasier: ...ley. Mr. Rugley.
Rugley: Anyway, I think you might be a good fit here. We need to find a replacement for Dr. Wendy.
Frasier: Really?
Rugley: Yes, we didn't feel it was quite right to keep her on any longer.
Frasier: Well, let me say I applaud your judgement on that score. I mean, frankly, Dr. Wendy's saccharine style - it may be very popular, but you know, it's really not up to your standards, is it?!
Rugley: Dr. Wendy's my mother. She's quite ill.
The Assistant enters with a tray of coffee.
Assistant: Can I interrupt?
Frasier: Oh, please!
Assistant: You have some messages.
Rugley: Excuse us for a moment?
Frasier: Of course.
Frasier goes off to look at the shelves as they talk behind him.
Assistant: Mr. Jaminson has to cancel.
Rugley: Oh, very well. Why don't you call Phyllis Monderat and she if she can reschedule.
Frasier begins to look at a little hand-made giraffe.
Rugley: Oh, and see if you can pick up my car from the shop.
Assistant: I already did. It's across the street. Somebody parked this BMW in your space.
Rugley: Well, have it towed!
Assistant: I already made the call.
Frasier, upon hearing this, accidentally snaps the giraffe into two. He tries to put it together and replace it unsuccessfully.
Rugley: Dr. Crane?
Frasier: [facing away:] Yes?
Rugley: We don't have any tea, but would you like some coffee?
Frasier: That'll be splendid, yes, thank you.
As Rugley pours the coffee, Frasier tries to hide the broken giraffe parts under his arms, which means he has to walk weird to get the coffee. Upon picking up the cup he drops the head.
Rugley: What was that?
Frasier: Nothing.
Rugley: [sees second bit drop:] Is this my giraffe from my cabinet?
Frasier: Yes, it is. I'm sorry, I was admiring it and it broke apart in my hands. But you know, if your child is anything like mine, he'd be delighted to make you a new one!
Rugley: Actually, my father made it after his stroke.
Frasier: Well, I think you've got enough to go on. It was lovely meeting you.
He goes to shake Rugley's hand but inadvertantly knocks the freshly brewed coffee into Rugley's lap. He screams with the heat.
Frasier: Oh, well I'm going to have to rush if I'm gonna beat that tow-truck.
Frasier runs out leaving Rugley to clean up the mess.
[SCENE_BREAK]
CUTEST COUPLE
Scene Three - Frasier's Apartment. Niles is in the lift and just about to go up to Frasier's floor when Martin comes rushing in with Eddie in a shopping trolley.
Martin: Hold the elevator, Niles. Thanks.
Niles: Hi, Dad. [the doors close]
Martin: I'm never going to that grocery store across the street again. They gave me such a hard time just because I brought Eddie in.
Niles: Well, it's not exactly sanitary, dad.
Martin: Oh yeah? Well, when they get rid of the guy with pinkeye who's handing out cheese samples, then they can talk to me about sanitary.
Niles: [notices trolley is full of dog food:] Didn't you bring home a case of dog food yesterday?
Martin: Yeah! It was the economy stuff, he wouldn't touch it, so I've got to take all of it back. This is his favorite kind.
Niles: [looks at it:] Well, I guess what they say is true: Once you've tasted animal by-products you can't go back to the cheap stuff! Hey, will you pick the restaurant for tonight?
Martin: Hey, I've got a better idea than that! My old precinct's having one of their seized property auctions down at the fairgrounds.
Niles: Oh, what's the better idea?
Martin: Come on, Niles, these drug dealers have some pretty nice stuff!
The lift reaches the floor and they get off it to the corridor.
Niles: I guess I've been searching for a wide-brimmed purple velvet hat... It's not quite, er, me.
Martin: I tell you what, we'll just go for a little while and then we'll come back here for dinner.
They enter the apartment and Daphne is standing there.
Daphne: Am I glad you're home.
Martin: What's wrong?
Daphne: Dr. Crane! Ever since he came back from his job interview he seemed awfully depressed. In fact, he's as bad as I've ever seen him!
Niles: Oh, I guess it didn't go well.
Daphne: I gather not. He mumbled something about it being worse than the Dresden premiere of Schumann's Second Symphony.
Niles: [alarmed:] And you left him alone?!
Niles begins madly prancing around the living room and rushes to the corridor to Frasier's room.
Daphne: He's in the kitchen! Niles runs into the kitchen to find Frasier with his head in the oven.
Niles: Frasier!
Startled, Frasier bangs his head on the oven before coming out with the cleaning utensils he has been using. He is wearing a scruffy T-shirt and is covered in dirt and grime.
Niles: Oh my God! Frasier, are you all right?
Frasier: I was fine before you screamed, what the hell's wrong with you?
Niles: Well, Daphne said you were depressed and here you are with your head in the oven.
Frasier: I was cleaning it, Niles. It's electric.
They enter the living room.
Frasier: If I wanted to end my life I'd choose something faster than broiling.
Martin: Sorry your interview didn't go well, Fras.
Frasier: Oh, it's alright, Dad. You know, things don't work out the way we'd like them to sometimes. [watches Daphne push the trolley by with Eddie in] Much like my strict, "No shopping trolleys in the apartment policy."
Martin: Don't worry about it. I'll take it back, but I need to return all that cheap dog food.
Frasier: You know, Dad, I'm going down to pick up some cleaning supplies, I'll do it.
Martin: Well, I thought you needed to get ready for the reunion?
Frasier: Oh God, no, I'm not going!
Martin: Why?
Frasier: Because I'm cursed. If I wasn't convinced before today's interview, I certainly am now.
Martin: But you haven't even heard anything. For all you know you might have gotten it. [doorbell sounds]
Frasier: Believe me, dad. I have a better chance of being crowned "Miss Teen USA."
Frasier opens the door to Roz, who is dressed elegantly in a long black dress, has her hair done up and beautiful makeup across her face.
Frasier: Oh, dear God!
Roz: [about Frasier's dress:] Well, just how casual is this thing tonight?
Frasier: Roz, I'm so sorry, I completely forgot to call and tell you that, well, we're not going!
Roz: Wait a second! I found a babysitter at the last minute. I got a new dress, I got Michelle to do my hair and just spent the last hour listening to the Estee Lauder lady describing her bladder operation just so I could get a free makeover. And now you're saying we're not going?
Frasier: Roz, I can't go. You see, I have a curse on my head.
Roz: What curse?
Niles: He thinks the Fates are conspiring to humiliate him at every reunion.
Martin: Oh come on, you don't really believe that, do you?
Frasier: All right, let's examine the evidence. Daphne, would you assist me, please? [hands her a paper:] This is my school newsletter.
Daphne: [reads] The Bryce Academy Crier!
Niles: Which, coincidentally, was Frasier's nickname the first year he was there.
Frasier: Go to page eight! Scott Alexander, what's he been up to?
Daphne: Wife, kids, has his own computer software business.
Frasier: Patsy Curds.
Daphne: Mother of three, successful physician, has invented a drug that may aid in the treatment of cancer.
Frasier: Won't they go green with envy when I top them all with this
story of my life: Frasier Crane, unattached, unemployed and living with his father. He spends his days scrubbing his oven and is anxiously awaiting his upcoming tooth cleaning.
Martin: Now, now, Frasier. Everyone has their ups and downs. You know, for all we know that cure for cancer didn't pan out either.
Niles: [gives Martin a look, then deadpan:] One can only hope, Dad.
Daphne: I bet if you just went in there with a sunny attitude, you'd have a good time.
Frasier: No, I tried sunny last time, you know where it got me? Table 97, singing "Goodbye my Coney Island Baby" with the Checkmates.
Roz: Well, maybe this time will be different.
Frasier: That's the mistake I always make. Thinking that this year it will be different, that I can beat the curse. Well, that's because it makes you think you can beat it but you can't! So, Roz, I apologize, I'll make this up to you some day. But right now, I'm going to go down to the store and run a little errand for my friend Eddie! And then I'm coming back home and spending the evening with Daphne, doing some light housework and listening to my new psychoanalysis tape: "Depression, Anxiety and Death" as read by the author himself, Stanislav Monk.
Frasier exits.
Daphne: [half in tears:] Now who's cursed?! Daphne throws down the newsletter and retreats to her room.
END OF ACT ONE (Time: 12:00)
[SCENE_BREAK]
ACT TWO
MOST LIKELY TO SUCCEED
Scene One - Exterior Of Supermarket. Frasier wheels his trolley of cans up and sees a man throwing cans into the bin.
Frasier: Excuse me, sir, there's a place to recycle those cans right over there.
Man: Oh, I know. [puts them in and walks off]
Frasier: [angry:] On behalf of Mother Earth, I thank you!
Frasier begins to pick out the cans from the bin and put them in his trolley.
Frasier: That's the sort of person who drinks chocolate soda.
Frasier carries on fumbling about in his scrappy T-shirt and covered in muck, as a man dressed in a tuxedo looks on and realises who he is.
Percy: Frasier Crane.
Frasier: Yes. [realises:] Percy Williams, ho-ho, good to see you. I suppose you're on your way to the reunion.
Percy: Yes, yes I am.
Frasier: I couldn't make it this year myself. A little too much on my Plate, things have gotten crazy.
Percy: I see there, I heard you went off the radio.
Frasier: You did?
Percy: You know, my wife heads up a charity that helps get homeless people back on their feet.
Frasier: Yes, I know. The Scrap Foundation, it's very popular in my circle.
Percy: You should call, they could help you.
Frasier: Me? [realises and laughs] Oh, that's very funny. The shopping cart with all the dog food. I'm afraid you're suffering from the wrong impression.
Percy: Dog food?
Frasier: Oh, it's not mine. It's my father's.
Percy: Oh, Frasier...
Frasier: No, really, you're mistaken: I'm not homeless. I live in that luxury building right there. [Percy obviously doesn't believe him] Number 1901.
Percy: Frasier, take this. [hands him money]
Frasier: I don't need it. I drive a BMW, I collect African art.
Percy: You always were a proud one.
Frasier: I'm not proud.
Percy: Then take it! For God sakes, spend it on food.
Frasier: I just threw out a $200 belt!
[SCENE_BREAK]
CLASS CLOWN
Scene Two - Frasier's Apartment. It is raining outside and Daphne is sat reading a book. The doors open and Martin enters.
Daphne: Hey, how was the police auction?
Martin: Oh, you didn't miss anything. Especially when it started raining.
Niles, however, comes in with a gleeful smile on his face and carrying brown paper bags.
Niles: I made out like a bandit! [laughs at the pun] Those drug lords
have the most incredible taste: Christophle, silver, Limogés. Oh, Morivors chrystal. If I ever get married again, I'm going to register there.
Martin exits to his bedroom as Frasier enters dressed in tuxedo.
Frasier: Hello, all.
Niles: I thought you were staying home?
Frasier: Yes, well, not any more. I ran into Percy Williams down at the grocery store. He mistook me for a street person. If I don't get down there and defend myself he'll be passing around that rumor along with the Swedish meatballs.
Doorbell sounds.
Daphne: Well, I'm glad you're going, Dr. Crane. You'll have a nice time, and you look great.
Frasier: Thank you.
Frasier opens door to a rather angry Roz who is dressed in the same stuff, but this time it seems more rushed and her hair is out of place.
Roz: You have no idea how big you owe me!
Frasier: Yes I do, Roz, and I will never ask you for another favor again - except could you possibly do something with your hair? It seems to be leaning.
Roz: Frasier, when you called I was in the tub with a pint of Haägen-Daaz - considering that was fifteen minutes ago I think I look pretty good.
Frasier: I appreciate it, Roz, I really do. Daphne, could you please help Roz getting finished?
Roz: I am finished.
Frasier: No, no, no, finish more. And... remember what I told you.
Roz: Oh yeah, right: I'm a model-slash-doctor-slash-daughter of the Duke of Luxembourg.
Daphne: Yes, come along, Your Grace.
Daphne and Roz leave to Daphne's room.
Niles: Frasier, are you actually so desperate that you're trying to impress those people by having Roz pretend to be some sort of trophy girlfriend?
Frasier: [correcting:] Trophy duchess! Niles, it's the only way to beat the curse.
Niles: You can beat the curse by not going.
Frasier: I tried that, Niles, you see where that got me. The curse found a way to humiliate me in absentia. I've got to get down there.
Niles: Why? To win the approval of some virtual strangers.
Frasier: I know it sounds foolish, Niles...
Niles: No, it's not foolish. It's human. I think it's all about the feelings of inferiority you've been carrying with you since high school. That's the real curse. Only, you're not the Bryce Crier anymore, you're a successful man. You have an opportunity for real growth here. Not by trying to impress these people, but by realizing that they don't matter anymore.
Roz and Daphne enter. Roz looks better but not great.
Frasier: Oh, Roz, you look beautiful!
Roz: Thank you.
Frasier: But we're not going!
Roz: What?!
Frasier: It's got something to do with my personal growth. You see, I don't care about these people anymore and you know, I want them to know it.
Roz: Frasier, I hired a babysitter twice, I did my makeup twice, I performed a miracle of engineering by taping myself into this dress twice - only to be stood up twice!
Frasier: Roz, technically you only did your hair once.
Roz: [shouts] Shut up! [hits him with her handbag] You know, some day you're gonna need another favour from me, buddy, and when that day comes, I hope you know what you can do with it.
Frasier: I have a pretty good idea.
Roz: Well, do it twice!
With those words Roz storms out of the apartment.
Frasier: Well, that was something.
Niles: Please, you call that a tantrum? Maris used to do that once a week. The poor thing needed help slamming the door!
Martin: [enters:] Frasier, I was just talking to Duke on the phone and your agent flicked in. She was calling from a pay phone and she couldn't really talk, but she said that KPOV wants you to host your own show for them.
Frasier: My own television show!
Daphne: On KPOV! [they all congratulate him]
Frasier: Thank you, all.
Niles: I just realised. This is an even bigger opportunity for personal growth. Having a prestigious new job like this and not even going to the reunion to boast about it!
Frasier: It's a great opportunity, isn't it!
Niles: Have a good time.
Frasier: I will.
Frasier exits via the front door as Martin and Niles sit. Daphne exits to the kitchen.
Niles: I must say, Frasier did have a run of bad luck this week. I'm certainly glad it worked out better for him.
Martin: No, he didn't really get a call, I just made it all up.
Niles: His agent didn't call?
Martin: No, I just wanted to give the guy something to brag about.
Niles: Dad, I know you were trying to help, but don't you think that's a little risky? What if somebody at the reunion knows it's not true?
Martin: Oh, no, you worry too much. Who's gonna know? I mean most of these people are from out of town, they've probably never heard of KPOV!
Daphne walks in with the newsletter.
Daphne: I knew it! When you said KPOV, I thought it sounded familiar and it's right here in Dr. Crane's newsletter. His classmate, Calvin Gurdstone, was just made station manager. Won't that be nice for them; they'll be working together now.
[exits to kitchen again]
Niles: Oh, my God!
Martin: Oh, come on, it'll be all right, don't worry about it. This Gurdstone probably won't even show - he's just got a new job, he's probably real busy.
Niles: Well, you're right. I musn't assume the worst. I'm acting like Frasier, as if there really is a curse.
Daphne enters again.
Daphne: Look here, he's also serving as this year's reunion coordinator.
Niles and Martin look at each other in horror as a flash of lightning finishes off the scene.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Scene Three - Reunion Hall. Everybody is laughing and joking. However, when Frasier arrives they walk away. He goes to several tables but they all look away from him. So, he sits with the Checkmates:
Frasier: Hi, fellas.
Checkmate: Hi.
Frasier: Hit it.
A harmonica is played then they begin singing. Frasier takes the bass part.
Checkmate 1: Hello...
Checkmate 2: Hello...
Checkmate 3: Hello...
Frasier: Hello...
Checkmates: Goodbye, my Coney Island baby, Farewell, my own true love, true love-
Frasier: Oh, honey!
Checkmates: I'm gonna go away and leave you, Never to see you any-
Frasier: Never gonna see you any-
Checkmates: I'm gonna sail upon that ferry boat...
Frasier droops his face into his hand.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Café Nervosa. Roz is sitting at the table in her black dress. She is obviously attracted to a man on the window seat, who is obviously attracted to her. They constantly stare at each other with admiration. Roz is making her coffee without looking and it seems that the pranksters have gotten to her jar of sugar and it completely covers her drink like Niles's. However, she is so wrapped up in the man opposite that she fails to notice - yet the pranksters omit laughter as usual. | Plan: A: his life; Q: What is Frasier at a low point in? A: his divorce; Q: What is one of the low points in Frasier's life that he believes reunions are cursed to happen at? A: Lilith; Q: Who did Frasier divorce? A: Diane; Q: Who left Frasier at the altar? A: the Bryce Academy; Q: What school reunion does Frasier not want to attend? A: his father; Q: Who does Frasier live with? A: shabby; Q: How does a former classmate describe Frasier's appearance? A: rumors; Q: What does Frasier fear will spread at the reunion? Summary: Frasier believes reunions are cursed as they always happen when he is at a low point in his life, such as his divorce with Lilith and being left at the altar by Diane. He is thus not keen to go on a reunion of the Bryce Academy, where he expects to be humiliated for being unemployed, single and living with his father. He reconsiders after a former classmate sees him looking shabby, fearing that rumors may spread at the reunion that he is homeless. |
(Open to Irina's cell. She's sitting on the floor. A fly is on the glass. She watches as it takes off and flies around the room. Still sitting, she calmly catches it in her hand. Fade out to the surveillance monitor of her cell upstairs at the ops center. Sydney stands near the monitor.)
SYDNEY: (voice over) When I found out my mother faked her death twenty years ago, after mourning her for most of my life, she was still alive. I tried to imagine what it would feel like to stand in a room with both of my parens again.
(Jack walks in the ops center across the room. Sydney smiles at him.)
SYDNEY: (voice over) It seemed impossible.
(Jack nods once.)
SYDNEY: (voice over) That two people with so much... deceit between them could ever find a way to breathe the same air.
(Cut to Sydney, Will and Francie's house. Sydney and Will are sitting across from each other on the sofa. Continuing the conversation from the voice over.)
SYDNEY: And all of a sudden there we were. Just the three of us... walking down a dirt road in the middle of Kashmir. When we were out there, working as a team, it was comforting.
(Flashback to "Passage, Part 1" when the three Bristows are standing side-by-side, shooting the PRF rebels with rifles.)
SYDNEY: (voice over) We were ambushed and we fought back.
(Back to the sofa.)
SYDNEY: And we survived.
WILL: Yeah, my parents and I sort of went through the same thing.
(Sydney looks at him. He gives her a look. They both start laughing and Sydney hits him with a pillow.)
SYDNEY: Thanks. Thanks a lot. Oh!
(She grabs her bookbag and takes out a book from inside. Wedged in the middle is a business envelope. She gives it to Will.)
SYDNEY: Vaughn told me Devlin approved you to do research if you pass the Moglin-Reich allegiance test. This is your SOP on where to meet for the pick-up. Remember to drop--
WILL: Drop it in the large--yeah.
(They hear Francie enter. They both scramble.)
FRANCIE: Hey.
WILL: What's up?
SYDNEY: Where you been?
FRANCIE: Okay, listen. Every time I walk into the room lately, you guys hush up as if I'm interrupting something. I mean, am I?
WILL: What? No.
SYDNEY: Francie, seriously, we were just talking. Why don't you have a seat?
FRANCIE: I can't. I gotta--I forgot my keys. I gotta open the restaurant.
(She grabs her keys from the counter.)
FRANCIE: I'll see ya.
WILL: Okay.
(Outside in a caged area, about six US Marshals pace the small enclosed area as Irina, out of her cell, walks around. She turns. Sydney enters, briefly looks at all the guards stationed around with their guns. Irina smiles.)
IRINA: Kendall's allowed me fifteen minutes here, twice a week. You put in the request, didn't you, to give me time out here?
SYDNEY: Yeah. We appreciated your help in Kashmir.
IRINA: I need you to understand... I was eighteen when the KGB recruited me. For a woman to be asked to serve her country, it was a future, it meant... empowerment, independence. I was a fool to think that any ideology could come before my daughter.
(They both start crying a little. Sydney looks down and turns to leave.)
IRINA: Sydney?
(Sydney stops and suddenly, Irina hugs her tight. The US Marshals run up to them.)
US MARSHAL1: Hey, stand down!
US MARSHAL2: Back away NOW!
US MARSHAL3: Let me see your hands!
(They jump apart and raise their arms. The US Marshals cock their guns. Sydney and Irina back away, tears running down their cheeks.)
(In an interrogation room at SD-6, two men drag Sark into a strapped chair. Sloane stands nearby.)
SARK: What is this?! We have an arrangement!
SLOANE: Yes. One you failed to live up to.
(They strap Sark into the chair. There's a strap on the top of his head and under his chin.)
SLOANE: Our operation in Kashmir was a waste of SD-6 resources.
(The two men pry open Sark's mouth and places a medium-sized glass ball in his mouth. Sark pushes it over to the right side, against his cheek and teeth.)
SLOANE: We acquired nothing.
(Sark gags.)
SLOANE: So my question is, have you betrayed me or are you simply incompetent? This interrogation technique was developed by the Khmer Rouge. Minimize brusing on political prisoners when they were allowing them to be photographed. You see, if I pull this just a little harder...
(He yanks at the strap on Sark's chin.)
SLOANE: ...the glass will break. And I do not want to do that. So tell me, do you think that we were unlucky on our first venture together or do you have another plan that you want to tell me about?
(Sark groans. One of the men grabs a pan and Sark spits the ball out.)
SARK: I didn't betray you. We agreed to combine our efforts. I swear to you, that's still my intent!
SLOANE: Then tell me what went wrong in Kashmir.
SARK: The Indian western command carried out an air strike on the PRF prison. The Rambaldi artifact was destroyed. My contact in the region, Gerard Cuvee, mistakenly believes I tipped the Indian authorities off. With all due respect sir, could the leak have come from this office?
(Self-storage building with Sydney and Vaughn.)
VAUGHN: So Sloane has no idea you sabotaged the operation in Kashmir?
SYDNEY: If he did, we wouldn't be having this conversation.
VAUGHN: Since Sark failed to deliver on his promise with Sloane, their partnership may not last for long.
SYDNEY: Unfortunately, it isn't over yet. Sloane is sending me to Paris with Sark tonight.
VAUGHN: Why?
(Flashback to the SD-6 briefing with Jack, Sark, Sydney, Marshall and Sloane.)
SLOANE: The Echelon satellite system. Phone calls, e-mails, faxes from around the world are filtered through a program capable of flagging key words on an NSA watch list. Echelon has been immeasurably successful in indicating threats to our national security. Mr. Sark has provided us with new intelligence indicating that an enemy of this country may have acuired the ability to access this terminal. Gerard Cuvee, former leader of the People's Revolutionary Front -- a crime syndicate whose headquarters were raided by Indian authority last week. Mr. Sark?
SARK: My dealings with Gerard Cuvee go back several years. He once showed me an Echelon access terminal he stole from the NSA that he keeps at a front company in Paris. Recent attention by local authorities have led Cuvee to believe that I betrayed him. Therefore, he is sure to move the terminal to an undisclosed location.
SLOANE: Surveillance team intercepted an operations log indicating that an armored transport has been scheduled for a pick-up tomorrow afternoon. We believe that's when they will be moving the terminal. Sydney, you and Sark will intercept the convoy en route and bring the terminal back here safely.
(Back to the present with Sydney and Vaughn.)
VAUGHN: If Sloane gets a hold of that terminal, well, the Alliance will be able to eavesdrop on corporations, law enforcement, political campaigns... the potential for blackmail and insider trading would be unlimited.
SYDNEY: What's my counter-mission?
VAUGHN: I'll have technical services provide you with a secure deletion program. You'll upload it onto the Echelon terminal. When SD-6 turns it on, it'll wipe the hard drive clean.
SYDNEY: Sloane will think Cuvee installed a fail-safe to prevent...
SYDNEY AND VAUGHN: Unauthorized access.
(They smile.)
SYDNEY: I'll do it on the return flight. Sark and I are traveling separately to make sure no one can connect him to SD-6.
VAUGHN: Oh, by the way, I'm meeting with Will tomorrow to help him prep for his psych evaluation.
SYDNEY: Thank you. And I like it.
VAUGHN: What?
SYDNEY: Your new suit.
VAUGHN: Oh. It's not new. I just... don't wear it that often. I came from a funeral. Alice's father died.
SYDNEY: I'm sorry. How is she doing?
VAUGHN: Okay. Well, not really, but she'll be fine.
SYDNEY: Let me know if you need anything.
(Vaughn nods.)
(At the SD-6 offices, Sydney walks down the hall. Marshall runs up to her, carrying a camera and a file folder.)
MARSHALL: Uh, Miss Bristow! Uh, I know you have a plane to catch, but you mind doing a little favor for me?
SYDNEY: Sure.
MARSHALL: Uh, okay, will you take some snapshots around Paris with that for me?
(He gives her the camera.)
MARSHALL: Uh, you know, we have to maintain our cover for our loved ones and, well, my mom thinks I run global IT services for the bank so I like to composite myself into photographs for her. Oh, I actually hae an example right here...
(He looks in his file folder and gives her a picture of himself, waving at the camera.)
MARSHALL: There's me and the sphinx! Ha ha ha. Of course, I never actually left southern California but every once and a while I like to show my mom all the places I've never... really been to. Do you mind?
SYDNEY: Not at all.
MARSHALL: Okay, have a safe trip. I don't like to fly, personally. But, uh, that's why I'm here and you're... I've got some stuff to do.
(In Paris, a truck drives past Sark who is sitting in a car.)
SARK: Convoy's on the move. ETA -- five minutes.
(He pulls out and follows the truck. On an overpass, looking down at an intersection, Sydney poses as a road inspector, wearing a hard hat and construction vest. They talk via comm transmitter links.)
SARK: I'm right behind the truck.
SYDNEY: Copy that. I'm in position.
(She takes out a laptop and starts typing. Sark drives.)
SARK: You know, it's a pity we're traveling separately. We could've used the opportunity to get to know each other better.
SYDNEY: Yeah, I'm broken up about that too.
SARK: You're surprisingly adept at keeping your curiosity in check.
SYDNEY: Don't flatter yourself.
SARK: I'm referring to the fact that your mother and I worked together before I arrived here -- before she... went into hiding. I learned a lot from her. In some ways, I think of her as a mother myself.
SYDNEY: Listen to me. You and I have nothing in common. We're not friends, we're not going to become friends, and you certainly won't bait me with stories about a woman I never knew.
SARK: I don't get any consideration at all for the fact that I didn't tell Sloane you conspired to kill him?
SYDNEY: We've covered this. You can't expose me without exposing yourself. Now, I'm almost into the city's traffic control network. Get your head into the game.
(Speaking of head into the game, Jack walks to Irina's cell and stands before the glass. She looks up and walks over.)
IRINA: How are your wounds healing?
JACK: You obviously had the chance to betray us in Kashmir, but you didn't.
IRINA: (smiles) I don't imagine that means you've decided to trust me?
JACK: Our previous... dealings would indicate that your strategy here may be long-term. So for now, I trust that your behavior is predictable.
IRINA: By "previous dealings" you mean our marriage? You know, technically, we may still be husband and wife.
(Big smile. He stares at her coldly.)
IRINA: I'm sorry.
JACK: Sydney's on assignment with Sark. It's my belief that he's still working for you, that you've coordinated your efforts to infiltrate both SD-6 and the CIA. Whatever you have in mind, I promise you, it won't work. So I'm going to offer you a deal. I'll see to it that you're relocated to a private residence on Puget Sound, under twenty-four hour surveillance, of course. But the illusion of freedom is better than none at all.
IRINA: In exchange?
JACK: In exchange, you'll confess, tell us what you're really doing here, why you've turned yourself in. I'll give you time to consider my offer.
(He walks away.)
(Back in Paris, Sydney types on the laptop on the overpass.)
SYDNEY: I see you. I'm turning the intersection to red.
(She types and the light turns to yellow, then to red. All the vehicles stop. Sydney packs up her laptop and takes out a pyramid like object.)
(Flashback to briefing with Marshall. He slaps the pyramid down on the table.)
MARSHALL: It is two-for-one day here at Marshall's Tech Emporium. Not only is this magnetic shape charge capable of penetrating two meters of armored steel, but act now, it will also come equipped with a secondary tear gas munition which will disable the guards inside the truck. Operators standing by. Hello!
(In Paris, with all the cars stopped, Sark gets out of his vehicle.)
SARK: I'm moving in to disable the escort car.
SYDNEY: Copy that.
(Three people in the escort car. The driver looks in the rearview at Sark approaching. Sydney drops the pyramid on the roof of the van. It opens and beeps. Sark pushes aside his cape and points his gun at the car. He shoots out the back window and the bullet lands on the floor of the car. It emits tear gas. The pyramid blows a hole into the van and fills it with the gas. Sydney strips off her construction vest and puts on a gas mask. She lowers herself down into the van with a secured rope. Inside the van, she looks around. Outside, a policeman runs up to Sark.)
POLICE: Police! Police!
(Sark shoots him with possibly a tranq. Sydney opens the back door of the van and jumps out.)
SYDNEY: It's empty. The terminal's not there.
(Sark turns and looks.)
SARK: The truck's a decoy.
(The three people in the escort car run out, one of whom is carrying the briefcase terminal. He starts running, Sydney takes off after him. He pushes random people out of the way. Sydney is after him, with Sark far behind her. Sydney hops on top of the cars and starts running, jumping in between them. She gains some distance on him and jumps, kicking him in the head mid-air. He falls to the ground. Sydney sees the briefcase on the ground and grabs it. Sark pulls up, screeching to a halt.)
SARK: Get in the car!
(Sydney jumps in with the terminal and they drive off together.)
(Jack knocks on the door of Sloane's office.)
JACK: I got your message.
SLOANE: Yes, Jack, come in. I want you to meet someone. Jack Bristow, this is Ariana Kane.
(Jack walks in and stops. He looks at her. Takes a seat.)
SLOANE: Kane is the head of Alliance counterintelligence. She is the one who plugged the leak last year at SD-9.
JACK: Impressive work. Particularly considering the guilty party attempted to frame you as the mole.
KANE: Men always call women crazy when they're caught with their pants down.
SLOANE: Ms. Kane is here to investigate the events leading up to Emily's disappearance and the subsequent attempts to blackmail me.
KANE: How much have you shared with him?
SLOANE: He knows everything I know.
KANE: I'm aware of your reputation as a first-class strategist, Agent Bristow. Tell me, where would you begin this investigation?
JACK: With me. Over the years Arvin's trusted me with everything I'd need to know to be the perpetrator. And if his standing within the Alliance were undermined, I'd be a candidate to inherit his seat. Motive.
KANE: Well, that's a hell of an answer. In addition to being true, it's the only thing you can say to diminish your viability as a suspect.
JACK: Not really. Your obvious awareness of game theory would invalidate my approach. Therefore, the best course ofa ction for me to make as a suspect is to simply tell the truth.
(Sloane smiles at the two of them.)
SLOANE: Well, as soon as you've officially eliminated the possibility of Agent Bristow as a suspect, I'm sure he'll be quite happy to assist you in your investigation.
JACK: Of course. If you'll excuse me. (stands) A pleasure.
KANE: All mine.
(Will and Vaughn meet in a parking lot outdoors.)
WILL: You ever have a dream where you're back at school and they won't let you graduate because you failed a test? I had that last night.
VAUGHN: Well, we don't screen for general knowledge. It's strictly a psych profile.
WILL: So I can't fail but I can find out I'm a sociopath.
VAUGHN: (laughs) Yeah. Listen, some of the questions on the test may seem a little shocking.
WILL: Shocking, how?
VAUGHN: No, like, things you might punch someone out at a bar for asking.
WILL: I don't want to get ahead of myself here, but, um, if things go my way, what's next?
VAUGHN: Well, you're cleared to read classified documents and you get a government salary. Which isn't much.
WILL: Compared to what I make now it's... much.
VAUGHN: Oh, and just be honest because if you're caught in a lie, you're automatically disqualified. And since we don't know how often SD-6 keeps tabs on you, it's too risky to take the test at a federal building. So we've arranged for you to go to one of our operational fronts.
(Cut to Will entering a shipping building.)
VAUGHN: (voice over) Now when you get there, the officer will lead you in the back room where you'll take the test.
(Will speaks to one of the employees who leads him down the hall.)
VAUGHN: (voice over) He'll tell you the shipping manifest was lost in transit and he needs your help to ID the parcel.
(In the back room, a simple desk with a folder and a pencil is against one wall.)
VAUGHN: (voice over) He'll take you in the back room and that's where you'll take the test. Now, there's no time limit but it shouldn't take you more than an hour.
(Will picks up the pencil and begins.)
(Cut to a bar/restaurant that night. People play pool while Sydney and Will sit at a table together, drinking and talking.)
WILL: I can't believe some of the questions they asked. Like, if forced to choose, who would you rather kill. A) Your mother. B) Your father. C) Yourself. And "none of the above" wasn't even an option. I mean, what the hell does that measure?
SYDNEY: How you see yourself in relation to authority. Basically whether or not you'd be willing to sacrifice your life for your country.
WILL: Now that makes sense.
SYDNEY: By the way, I got Francie season tickets to The Hollywood Bowl for her birthday from the both of us.
WILL: Oh, great, thank you. You know, she was right about what she said. We used to tell each other everything, now we don't. I can't tell her anything.
SYDNEY: I know. I hate it, too. But after Danny and what happened to you, I've accepted the fact that it's as a gesture of love to deceive the people I care about.
(She takes a drink and looks up as Vaughn and Alice walk in. She stares. Will notices.)
WILL: What?
(Vaughn and Alice come over.)
ALICE: Hey, what are you doing here? Rita, right?
SYDNEY: Alice, hi.
ALICE: Hi.
VAUGHN: Hey, Rita.
SYDNEY: Hey. This is Will.
WILL: Hey.
VAUGHN: Hey. Michael. Nice to meet you.
WILL: Michael, nice to meet you.
ALICE: Hi. Alice.
WILL: Hey.
SYDNEY: Michael and I work together at the state department.
WILL: Oh. Great.
SYDNEY: I was so sorry to hear about your dad.
ALICE: Oh, thank you. Michael's been amazing. He's...
SYDNEY: He's an amazing guy.
(Will looks from Vaughn to Sydney, noticing the tension.)
WILL: Oh, Rita, we're going to be late. We got to go meet some friends. I'm sorry.
ALICE: Oh, it's no problem.
SYDNEY: It was nice running in to you guys.
ALICE: You, too.
VAUGHN: Bye.
WILL: See you.
(On their way out, Sydney looks back. On their way to their table, Vaughn looks back.)
(Briefing at SD-6, the next day, with Sydney, Marshall, Jack, Sloane and Sark.)
SLOANE: The Echelon access terminal that you retrieved in Paris was rigged with a boot sector fail-safe. When we turned it on, the hard drive was erased. The good news is that Mr. Cuvee is no longer in possession of the terminal. The bad news is that he may still have a way to access Echelon.
SARK: One of Cuvee's men placed a call to a data storage facility in London. This facility caters to high-end corporate clients. It's likely Cuvee duplicated the Echelon software and had them stored in a secure server there.
JACK: If he did, he could use them to reverse engineer a new terminal there.
SLOANE: Sydney, you'll acquire the files and delete them from Cuvee's back-up server. Mr. Sark has provided Marshall with tech specs on the data storage facility.
MARSHALL: Actually, um, yeah, actually, about that, the, uh, the facility is wired with electronic countermeasures and the computer's secured via military-grade encryption. So any decryption device or radio contact would be detected so the only way the terminal can be accessed is by someone who knows how to crack polymorphic algorithms.
SYDNEY: My math skills may be above average but I can't do advanced calculus in my head.
SLOANE: That's why you're going in with Marshall.
MARSHALL: Marshall who?
(They give him a look.)
MARSHALL: Wait a minute. What?
SLOANE: You're the only one qualified to hack the server without the aid of an electronic device.
MARSHALL: B-But I'm, uh, I can't go because I'm not field rated. So...
SLOANE: You will be by the time you leave. Sark will help you review the operational parameters and I'm sure Sydney will take very good care of you.
(Self-storage with Sydney and Vaughn.)
VAUGHN: We got your debrief. If Marshall succeeds in copying those system files Sloane will be able to reboot the Echelon terminal.
SYDNEY: Marshall has a photographic memory. Once the files flash across the screen, he'll remember them.
VAUGHN: Yes. We know that.
SYDNEY: I can't just give SD-6 a fake Marshall.
VAGUHN: No, but we can pull him out of SD-6.
SYDNEY: What?
VAUGHN: Devlin made it clear that we cannot, under any circumstances, allow SD-6 to access Echelon. And sabotaging the mission is too risky after Kashmir. Sloane could start to suspect something. We've considered every option, Syd, there's no othe way to do this. (sighs) When you and Marshall return from London, we'll take him into protective custody. He'll be transported to Langley for an extensive debrief.
SYDNEY: As ridiculous as this sounds, SD-6 is his whole life. It's never easy finding out everything you believe in is a lie.
VAUGHN: We'll do whatever we can to make it easier for him, I promise. And when he adjusts, he'll have the option to come work for us.
SYDNEY: What about his mother? Will they be able to make contact?
VAUGHN: Well, that'll be up to Marshall but we can bring her into protective custody too.
SYDNEY: What's my cover story with Sloane?
VAUGHN: As far as you'll know, the mission went without a hitch and you separated at the airport. We'll intercept Marshall on his way home.
SYDNEY: I should pack.
VAUGHN: Listen, um, about the bar...
SYDNEY: Did you see the security camera?
VAUGHN: Yeah, we sent an agent to pull the tapes so we couldn't be tied together.
SYDNEY: Good. Alice seems really nice.
VAUGHN: She said the same thing about you.
(Sydney touches his arm and walks out.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
(At an SD-6 conference room, Kane and Jack sit across the table from one another. She writes in a notepad.)
KANE: How long have you known Arvin Sloane?
JACK: For thirty years. When we met, he as my superior at the CIA.
KANE: Yes, and once he left the CIA, he invited you to work with him at SD-6?
JACK: Yes. We were both disillusioned with the US government. We'd both come to see it as corrupt and we believed then, as we do now, that the Alliance would ultimately succeed in achieving global dominance.
KANE: You and Sloane have been so close all these years, why do you imagine he recruited your daughter into SD-6 without telling you?
JACK: Because he knew I would've been opposed to it. Trust... doesn't come easily to Arvin Sloane so while at the time, I may not have approved I now accept that he recruited Sydney to ensure that he'd never have to take my loyalty on faith.
KANE: You're asking me to believe that Sloane took your daughter hostage to ensure your friendship?
JACK: In our line of work we can't just cry foul when things don't go our way.
(She writes something down.)
KANE: With whom have you had intimate contact over the past ten years, Agent Bristow?
(Jack blinks, startled.)
JACK: I-I'm curious to know where you're going with this.
KANE: More secrets have been revealed through pillow talk than through torture. If there's a prostitute or a stewardess out there you think may have heard you talking in your sleep, I need to know about it.
JACK: There is one way for you to verify if my nocturnal activities are a security risk, Ms. Kane, but somehow I think we'd both prefer the torture.
KANE: Oooh! (drops pen, laughs) What happened to that gentleman I met in Sloane's office this morning?
JACK: He got tired of your baseless accusations.
KANE: Good. I don't trust anyone who doesn't have the sense to know when he's being insulted.
JACK: Are we through?
KANE: Yes. For now.
(Angrily, Jack gets up and leaves.)
(The plane to London is about to take off. Marshall sits by the window, typing frantically. Sydney looks at him.)
MARSHALL: APU -- set. Aft cargo heat -- set. Hydraulic pumps -- set.
SYDNEY: Marshall. What are you doing?
MARSHALL: Oh, I, uh, patched into the inflight phone network and logged into the onboard computer. I just want to make sure the pilots don't miss anything in preflight checklist. What was that! That's the flaps extending... totally routine, totally routine...
SYDNEY: Is this really your first time on a plane?
MARSHALL: Yeah. I couldn't sleep last night so I memorized the FAA 747 flight ops manual. Just, uh, sorry. Sorry. I'm just a little nervous.
SYDNEY: Marshall, you're sweating.
MARSHALL: Yeah!
SYDNEY: Maybe you should take your jacket off.
MARSHALL: No! No way. Nooooo waaaaay. I compressed a high glide tactical parachute in the lining of my jacket. Just in case. Don't worry, though. My belt hyperextends into a tandem sling. Just loop it around your waist, it'll hold us both.
SYDNEY: Thanks.
MARSHALL: You don't have to thank me. It's, uh, it's my job to keep you safe.
(Beeping and blooping noises.)
MARSHALL: What was that! That's not a plane sound! That could be bad!
SYDNEY: (laughs) Marshall...
(She gestures to a kid across the aisle playing a Gameboy.)
MARSHALL: Oh. A little kid playing... (imitates video game noises) Dee dee dee dee! Is that all right? Is he allowed? Onboard play--you're not supposed to... Sorry, can I get a ginger ale?
(Sydney, wearing a short auburn wig and black dress escorts Marshall, dressed in a tux with his hair brushed back, up the stairs at the symphony.)
SYDNEY: I don't think I've ever seen you look quite so handsome, my darling.
MARSHALL: And you look lovely, my dear. Shall we?
SYDNEY: We shall.
(Upstairs, Marshall stops to look out at the stage and seats below.)
MARSHALL: Whoa. This is... SO cool.
(Sydney laughs and grabs him. They walk down a hall where the other symphony guests are chatting. Marshall starts nodding at them as they walk past.)
MARSHALL: Hey, how's it going? Good to see you. Hey, how's it going? Hey. How you doing? Hey, uh, nice to see you.
SYDNEY: (whispers) The key to doing this right -- be inconspicuous.
MARSHALL: Right. Sorry. I just, uh, I didn't... Hey, how's it going?
SYDNEY: You don't have to say hi to everybody.
MARSHALL: I'm sorry, I think I know her.
SYDNEY: Shh.
(Flashback to SD-6 briefing with Marshall, Sydney and Sark.)
SARK: Box seats have been reserved for you at Royal Hall behind this man. Thatcher Powell, Cuvee's head of IT security. And the only man with access to his security server.
(Cut to the box seat at the symphony. Powell sits in the seat closest to the edge.)
SARK: (voice over) Powell attends the London philharmonic every third Saturday of the month and takes in the performance with a bottle of Cristal.
(Sydney and Marshall take their seats behind him. Sydney nods at Marshall.)
MARSHALL: (English accent, leans forward) Um, you know, Bach is my favorite composer.
POWELL: Are you speaking to me?
MARSHALL: Yes. I bet you didn't know that the last piece of music that Bach ever composed, he encoded his name into the musical notes.
(Sydney drops a pill into Powell's glass.)
POWELL: He certainly was the most ingenious composers of the Baroque movement.
MARSHALL: You know what I always say -- If it ain't Baroque, don't fix it!
SYDNEY: Pardon my husband, he does tend to prattle on.
MARSHALL: Sorry.
(Powell takes a drink.)
SARK: (voice over) Once Powell injests the scopolomene, it'll take effect in roughly five minutes.
(Flashback to the briefing, continuing.)
SARK: The idea is to make Powell believe he merely fell asleep.
(Back at the symphony, Powell nods off.)
SARK: (voice over) So the dose will be mild. That means once you steal the access card, get across town to the server facility, download the Echelon software and return the key to the pocket before intermission, there will be a car waiting for you out front.
(Sydney sneaks her hand into the chest pocket of his jacket and gets his wallet. She removes the card and puts the wallet back. She looks over at Marshall, who's enjoying the music, getting into it.)
SYDNEY: Psst!
(She gestures with her head. They get up and leave.)
(At the server building, Sydney and Marshall rush up to the main desk in the lobby.)
SYDNEY: (English accent) Oh, thank goodness you're still open! I'm Marie Robinson, this is my associate Frederick Fields.
MARSHALL: (cockney accent) Hallo.
SYDNEY: We work for Jennings Aerospace. The New York office just paged me at the symphony, our CFO's laptop was stolen, we need to access our backup server right away.
GUARD: May I have your corporate PIN number, please?
SYDNEY: 86119.
GUARD: You're on server thirteen, second floor.
SYDNEY: Oh, thank you. We won't be more than ten minutes.
MARSHALL: Cheerio!
(Back to the briefing.)
SARK: SD-6 has opened an account at the data storage facility under the name Jennings Aerospace. Your client status will get you past the desk guard, and the security staff will be reduced for the nightshift. Since Cuvee is justifiably paranoid, he's leased out the entire third floor as his own. You will need to break into the third floor to access the server.
(On the third floor, Sydney and Marshall walk down the hall together.)
MARSHALL: Syd, you were amazing! You were acting, you're spying...
SYDNEY: Ready to do your magic?
MARSHALL: I'm ready for anything.
(Two guards see them coming down the hall.)
GUARD1: How did you get up here? This area is restricted.
(Marshall starts shouting gibberish, pointing his finger.)
GUARD1: Sir, you're going to have to come with us.
(Sydney twists his arm around, hits him in the throat. She flings him to the ground. She punches the second guard twice, he shoots at Sydney but misses and gets Marshall in the chest.)
MARSHALL: Syd, I've been shot! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
(He falls to his knees. Sydney his the second guard, punches him in the face and then knees him. She rushes over to Marshall.)
MARSHALL: Syd, Syd, I've been shot! I'm shot! Oh, my God!
SYDNEY: Marshall, Marshall...
(She takes the bullet out.)
MARSHALL: Oh, my God!
SYDNEY: Wait, it's just a tranq dart. It's okay, I pulled it out before you got a full dose.
MARSHALL: Thank God for the British and their anti-gun laws, right?
SYDNEY: (laughs) You're okay?
MARSHALL: I'm okay, I'm okay.
(They stand up.)
SYDNEY: What were you saying to those guards?
MARSHALL: I think I said, "I can smell you from here" in Ewok.
SYDNEY: Ewok.
MARSHALL: Official language of the indigenous creatures on the planet Endor. I think I... peed myself a little. I mean, not a little just, like, a little... squirt.
(He sways a bit, passing out. Sydney catches him.)
SYDNEY: Mashall, stay with me! Stay with me!
MARSHALL: I'm okay, I'm okay.
SYDNEY: Are you okay?
MARSHALL: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
SYDNEY: Are you sure?
MARSHALL: Yeah, I'm okay. I just, I got a little... (thumbs up) Let's walk. I can walk.
(Sydney walks ahead of him. Marshall falls over, passing out. Sydney turns around.)
(At the control access panel to the server room, Sydney holds Marshall up -- his arm around her neck.)
SYDNEY: Okay, okay, hang on, hang on. There. Hang on.
(She takes Powell's card and swipes it through.)
SYDNEY: Okay.
MARSHALL: Three!
SYDNEY: Okay, stay awake, stay awake, come on, stay awake, stay awake, stay awake, stay awake...
(They go inside.)
(Sydney plops Marshall down in front of a computer. She sits next to him.)
SYDNEY: Marshall, focus.
MARSHALL: I love youuuu.
(Sydney slaps him across the face.)
MARSHALL: Oh!
SYDNEY: The Echelon software is on this computer. You have to access it, I'll do the rest.
MARSHALL: Okay, okay, okay, I got it. I got it.
SYDNEY: Go.
MARSHALL: I got it. It's all... good.
(As he's typing, his eyes close.)
SYDNEY: Marshall!
MARSHALL: Hmm. Mama?
(Sydney grabs his face and kisses him. His eyes pop open.)
MARSHALL: Accounting for the relevant state during key generation in the crypto compiler combined with a pseudo random generator will give you a password.
SYDNEY: Oh, Marshall, you're a genius!
(She slides a disk in, starts to download the software. Marshall passes out, his face falling on the keyboard.)
(Out in the lobby, Sydney has Marshall's arm around her as they walk out. The guard watches them.)
SYDNEY: (whispering) Left, right, left, right, left right. (to guard) Thank you so much!
(Back at the symphony, the music ends and everyone claps. Powell wakes up, startled.)
POWELL: Ahem. Goodness. I-I must've dozed off.
SYDNEY: (clapping) Well, you certainly weren't the only one!
(Marshall wakes up.)
MARSHALL: Huh?
(Across the way, in the box seats on the other side, someone watches Marshall, Sydney and Powell with opera glasses/binoculars. His wheelchair engine whirs as he leaves.)
(It's raining in Los Angeles when Sydney and Marshall head to the curb where their cars are waiting for them.)
SYDNEY: So, this car will take you home.
MARSHALL: Okay, thanks. Hey, you think the driver will take the scenic route home? I've got this unbelievable filmstrip running in my head. The thing I still can't believe is that we're the stars. I just want to watch it a couple of more times before I go back to my room.
SYDNEY: Sure.
MARSHALL: Hey, oh, at least I got some real pictures of London to show the folks back home now.
(Sydney smiles then hugs him. Smiling, he hugs her back. He goes to get in the car when Sydney stops him.)
SYDNEY: Marshall... see you soon, okay?
MARSHALL: Okay. Hey, you know the best part? I've never been prouder to be one of the good guys.
(He gets in and the car drives away.)
(In the back of the car, Marshall's on his cell.)
MARSHALL: Yeah, Mom, I'll be home in a little while. I'm just getting back from my big business trip to London! And--yeah, Mom, of course they fed me on the plane. I-I don't know, some sort of chicken or squid. Wait, hold on a second. (to driver) Um, actually, can you make a left right here? There's a nightclub I want to drive by and--
(The car comes to an abrupt stop. Marshall bangs his head when he falls forward. Various men come to the car in the middle of the street, their guns pointed. They open the door. Marshall peeks out.)
MARSHALL: What's going on?
(At their house, Francie walks in and the lights come on.)
EVERYONE: Surprise!
(Will and Sydney come up to her, laughing and smiling.)
FRANCIE: This is why you guys shut up when I walked into the room!
WILL: Gotcha. Happy birthday.
FRANCIE: Oh, I love you so.
SYDNEY: Happy birthday, sweetie.
FRANCIE: Oh, my God!
(Music plays as everyone dances around, drinking wine. Sydney and Will dance together.)
(In Sloane's office, Ariana paces.)
SLOANE: Jack Bristow is not the man responsible for blackmailing me.
KANE: His answers are too perfect. I mean, he even gets angry when it makes strategic sense.
SLOANE: If he had nothing to do with it, I would expect his answers to be perfect. Now, Ariana, unless you have evidence--
KANE: Contrary to what you tell your subordinates, we are not the US government. I don't need probable cause to go after Bristow. All I need is a hunch.
SLOANE: Well, your hunches notwithstanding, you're talking about a man with whom I've been partnered for thirty years.
KANE: Yeah, well, you have a blind spot when it comes to him. Look, he's not the first suspect I interviewed. I talked to all the other heads of the SD cells. People who might've taken issue with your promotion to the Alliance. You know what I found? They're all afraid of you. Except for Jack Bristow, who I promise you, is hiding something.
(Jack walks to Irina's cell. She's already leaning against the glass.)
JACK: Have you thought about my offer?
IRINA: (nods) I have nothing to confess, Jack. I know you find it hard to believe I'd turn myself in to make up for my mistakes but that's the reason... the only reason I'm here.
JACK: If that's the truth, why didn't you simply refuse the offer?
IRINA: I was considering whether or not to fabricate a confession just to get out of this cell.
JACK: You were right. Although our marital contract was founded on fraudulent pretenses, it's still valid until it's annulled. Which means, technically, we are still married.
(He starts to leave.)
IRINA: Jack. Thus far, I've agreed to be debriefed only by Sydney. From now on, I'm willing to talk to you, too.
(Upstairs in the ops center, Vaughn watches Jack leave Irina's cell on a monitor. The phone next to him rings.)
VAUGHN: Vaughn here. What do you mean we didn't pick up Marshall at the intercept point, who did?
(In an interrogation room somewhere, Marshall has chains across him and a blindfold over his eyes. The blindfold is ripped off. Next to him a man gets a syringe ready.)
MARSHALL: Oh, my God... Oh, my God. P-Please don't hurt me, Mister. Mister, please. Please don't hurt me.
(A wheelchair engine whirs.)
MARSHALL: P-Please...
(Suit and Glasses -- the man who interrogated both Sydney and Will -- leans forward.)
SUIT AND GLASSES: Tell me, how did you enjoy the symphony? | Plan: A: Jack; Q: Who meets Ariana Kane? A: Alliance counterintelligence head Ariana Kane; Q: Who is sent in to investigate Emily's disappearance? A: Sloane; Q: Who is being blackmailed? A: his partner; Q: What is Sydney's role in Marshall's first mission? A: Vaughn schedules; Q: Who makes Will take a CIA psych test? A: Francie; Q: Who gets suspicious over Sydney and Will's secretive behavior? A: special guest star Faye Dunaway; Q: Who portrayed Ariana Kane? Summary: Jack meets Alliance counterintelligence head Ariana Kane, who is sent in to investigate Emily's disappearance and to discover who is trying to blackmail Sloane. Meanwhile, Marshall is sent on his first mission with Sydney as his partner.Vaughn schedules Will to take a CIA psych test. Francie gets suspicious over Sydney and Will's secretive behavior. Ariana Kane is portrayed by special guest star Faye Dunaway |
Opening scene - Sandy's office at home - the first thing we see is a close up of a brochure. we see a picture of some palm trees, a fountain and a beautiful view. along the bottom reads 'HOLISTIC DRUG REHAB HEALING AND WELLNESS PROGRAM. Sandy is on the phone while holding the brochure in his hand
Sandy: I can meet you right away
(Sandy turns the brochure over and we see that it is the SURIAK TREATMENT CENTER one from before)
Sandy: I want to...I have a funeral to go to in a couple of hours so I gotta keep it brief but...the sooner the better...thankyou (hangs up)
(we see an aerial shot of the houses and then we see Seth coming down the stairs in the Cohen house. Kirsten walks by just as he steps off the stairs. they both don't look so great)
Seth: hey
Kirsten: hi
Seth: (worried) everything ok
Kirsten: ben better (sad smile)
Seth: (looks at Kirsten) I'm sorry about everything
Kirsten: that's ok sweetie (touches Seth's cheek) he loved you very much
Seth: yeah, I'm gonna miss him
Kirsten: need anything
Seth: no I'm jus looking for my cell phone charger an my batteries dead
Kirsten: there might be a charger in your dad's office, I'm gonna get ready
Seth: alright
(Kirsten walks off - the next thing we see is Seth opening the drawers in Sandy's desk. he opens one and closes it, then another, he lifts up some papers and then closes it. he opens another and rests his finger on the blue SURIAK brochure. he picks it up and looks at it, frowning)
CUT TO: The pool house - Ryan draws up a blind and then opens the door. Seth walks in the other door
Ryan: (sees Seth) oo, hey
Seth: hi
Ryan: how you doin
Seth: (frowns and looks at Ryan) well I was depressed (holds out the brochure) now I'm depressed an confused
Ryan: (looks at the brochure) it's a rehab center where'd you get this
Seth: my dads office...an I don't think he's tryin'a kick bagels (frowns)
Ryan: (looks up) I don't think it's for your dad
(Seth looks where Ryan is looking and we see Kirsten lower a blind at the main house, she looks completely out of it. Seth and Ryan both look worried)
Theme song - California by Phantom Planet Suriak rehab - Sandy is there talking with the Dr in thegarden
Dr: why don't you tell me a little more about your wife, about her history
Sandy: you know well Kirsten's always enjoyed a glass'a wine or two...but in the last few months, it's changed, she's changed
Dr: changed how
Sandy: she switched to vodka for starters...last week she had a car accident (shakes his head) an now I'm afraid with the loss of her father things are gonna get worse (looks at Dr)
Dr: I assume you'd want her to have a residential treatment (Sandy raises his eyebrows) as you can see (we see the setting from the brochure, almost identical) we provide a confidential an peaceful environment for recovery (looks at Sandy) Sandy) you know doctor I (sighs) I might be over reacting
Dr: (nods) I know how hard it is to accept, we all wanna think we can get someone we love through something like this
Sandy: (looks away) ...she's not gonna come voluntarily
Dr: very few of our patients check themselves in
(Sandy looks at the Dr, then looks away. he looks worried and unsure)
CUT TO: Marissa's bedroom - Marissa is looking at her bruise in the mirror, she pulls her robe aside to get a better look and puts her finger on it. we hear a knock at the door, she panics and quickly closes her robe back over the bruise
Marissa: I'm getting ready
Julie: (opens the door and goes in) hey, all'a my black dresses look like they should be accessorised with a broom stick (Marissa looks at her) d'you have anything I can borrow
Marissa: it's a funeral mom not a fashion show (Julie looks hurt) ...(frowns) sorry um (stands) look let me see what I've got ok
Julie: (puts her hand out) wait, I can do it
Marissa: no, you've ben through...more then enough (folds her arms) (shrugs) I didn't mean to be a bitch
Julie: apples an trees, you are my daughter
Marissa: (half smiles) which means I must have something that'll look great on you
(Julie smiles and we hear the doorbell. Marissa frowns. - we then see a silhouette standing at the front door pressing the doorbell. Marissa comes down the stairs and opens the door. Jimmy is standing there, he smiles at her)
Marissa: (suprised) dad
Jimmy: hey kiddo (smiles)
Marissa: (huge smile) hey
(Marissa hugs Jimmy. she looks happy but confused. we see Julie come down the stairs and stop)
Jimmy: hey Jules
Julie: Jimmy...what're you doing here
Jimmy: well you didn't think id leave you two alone during all this did ya (Marissa and Julie don't say anything) well I could see how you might but I'm (shakes his head) I'm so sorry, I really am
Julie: its really good to see you (smiles)
Marissa: yeah (smiles) really good
Jimmy: well I'm sure its ben a hard week but uh...we'll get through it
(Marissa smiles, Jimmy smiles back then looks up at Julie. Julie half smiles)
CUT TO: Cohen front door - we hear a doorbell, then we see Kirsten go to answer the door. she's now dressed for the funeral. Kirsten opens the door and Hailey is standing there
Hailey: (smiles) hey sis
Kirsten: hey
(Kirsten and Hailey hug. Kirsten closes her eyes)
Hailey: oh it's so good to see you
(Kirsten smiles and shuts the door)
Hailey: (puts down her bag) he said his heart thing was no big deal (sighs) not worth flying home for
Kirsten: he didn't wanna worry you (puts her arm around Hailey) you were his little girl
Hailey: (sadly) mm I know...but after all these years I caused him nothing but stress an anxiety (sighs)
Kirsten: (looks at Hailey) nothing made him more proud then seeing you get your life together...me (puts her hands on her hips) last time I saw him...I told him he was gonna die alone
(Kirsten walks away and Hailey watches her)
CUT TO: Seth's bedroom - Seth is on his bed reading a book called s*x, DRUGS, AND COCOA PUFFS* by Chuck klosterman. we hear a knock and then Summer walks in, holding Princess Sparkle in her hand
Seth: (looks up) hey
Summer: hey Cohen, Captain Oats around (gets on the bed) I brought him some company
Seth: Princess Sparkle you're in my room
Summer: yeah (frowns) I figured Oats'd be pretty down, could use the companionship of someone sweet an pretty with shinier hair, that would just you know...be there for him (puts Princess Sparkle next to Captain Oats)
Seth: yeah, well Captains pretty lucky
Summer: yeah well, if he gets fresh with her its straight to the glue factory (holds Seth's hand)
Seth: hey
Summer: (moves closer to Seth) hi...I know (looks at Seth) you an your grandpa were close
Seth: (looks down) it's actually my mom that I'm worried about
Summer: (frowns) your mom
Seth: yeah (frowns) ...this morning I was in my dads office an I found a uh found a brochure for rehab
Summer: (looks at Seth) oh my god, well has she ben drinking alot
Seth: well I mean she's a WASP living in Orange County (looks at Summer) so it's all relative right (Summer listens) I don't know she has...a glass'a wine at dinner, maybe two
Summer: anymore then that
Seth: that's the thing I've ben so self involved this passed year I don't even know, I have no idea (looks at Summer) an I'm sure its you know...at least partially my fault, I know running away was really hard on her last summer an-
Summer: (frowns) Cohen, no offense but your being self involved again (looks at Seth, half smiles) I think this is bigger then you (nods)
Seth: (puts his head back and sighs) I should go put on my tie, it always takes me a few tries
Summer: yeah
(Summer puts her other arm {the one that's not holding his hand) under his arm and rests her head on his shoulder)
CUT TO: Treys apartment - we see Jess sitting outside the front door. Trey walks up
Trey: I didn't think you got up this early
Jess: (stands) well maybe I haven't ben to sleep yet, something's come up
(Trey unlocks the door and goes inside. Jess follows him)
Trey: what's goin on
Jess: its graduation time (shuts the door) which always means big business, got a call from a couple'a kids who basically supply Garden Grove (sits on the arm of the couch)
Trey: (raises eyebrows, looks at Jess then away) I'm real happy for ya
Jess: for us (smiles) it's gonna be huge, like fifteen grand (looks at Trey) ill give you half
Trey: (scoffs) an why would you do that
Jess: cause I need your help
(Jess reaches back and picks up her bag, she unzips it and takes out a gun. she holds the gun out to Trey)
Trey: where the hell did you get that
Jess: d'you know how to use it
Trey: (takes the gun off Jess and puts it on the coffee table) I'm not like a sniper or anything
Jess: can you point it at somebody like you mean it (Trey looks at her) then you get half (goes over to Trey) now (stands either side of Treys legs) I definitely (Trey looks at her) need to get some sleep
(Jess nods and walks away, teasingly. Trey looks at the gun)
CUT TO: Calebs funeral - the first thing we see is a winding road next to the ocean. we see cars slowly driving down the road in a line, most of them are black. this fades to a close up of the cars still coming. this then fades to them arriving at the funeral service. we see Seth get out of a limo, and then Sandy gets out on the opposite side followed by Kirsten. Ryan gets out the same side Seth did. this fades to a zoomed out shot of the cars,people etc. this fades to a shot of Julie getting out of the car, and Jimmy is with her. Jimmy shuts the door and they begin to walk away {its interesting to note that both Kirsten and Julie are wearing dark glasses to hide their eyes} we see Kirsten walking near them and when she sees them she looks almost happy. Hailey gets out of the car in the background. Jimmy goes over and gives Kirsten a hug, Kirsten mouths 'thanks for coming'. Sandy kisses Julie on the cheek. Julie looks as though she's been crying, or is teary now, I can't tell because of the glasses! Kirsten says "Julie" and then they start walking in together. this then fades to a shot of everybody starting to walk in)
VO: we are gathered here today to pay our last respects to Caleb Nichol
(we are now inside the chapel. it is the same one that Caleb and Julie we're married in :'(. the coffin is sitting at the front with a big flower arrangement resting on top. this fades to Sandy standing in front of everyone, saying the eulogy)
VO: his loss is felt across the county
Sandy: Caleb Nichol was not a man'a many words
(we see Marissa and Julie sitting in the front pew on the left. Jimmy is in the pew behind them and Summer is sitting next to him)
Sandy: he was however a brilliant man
(we see Seth and Ryan sitting in the second pew from the front, on the right)
Sandy: he leaves a legacy of possibility
(we see that Kirsten and Hailey are sitting in the front pew on the right)
Sandy: but, his true achievement, were his children
(we see a close up of Kirsten starting to break down)
Sandy: he was a caring father, a wonderful grandfather (Seth puts his hand on Kirsten's shoulder, for comfort) a truly terrible father in-law
(this fades to Hailey in front of everybody)
Hailey: though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil
(this fades to everybody starting to stand. Seth, Ryan, Kirsten, Hailey & Jimmy aren't in the pews anymore. Sandy's eulogy continues as a voice over)
Sandy VO: so, he may be gone, but he won't soon be forgotten...rest in peace Cal, an if you can't do that I'm sure heaven could use a few more Mc mansions
(we see Kirsten standing with her hand on her mouth, upset. Sandy and Seth walk by, followed by Ryan. the camera zooms out to show they are carrying Caleb's coffin. Sandy and Seth are at the front on either side, with Ryan behind Sandy on the left. I am sure Jimmy would also be helping (as he was missing from the pews) but you don't see him. the last thing we see is a close up of the front of the coffin, with Sandy and Seth's hands still holding it)
Heard over the above scene: where are we? what the hell is going on? the dust has only just began to fall crop circles in the carpet, sinking, feeling spin me around again and rub my eyes, this can't be happening when busy streets a mess with people would stop to hold their heads heavy Hide and Seek you don't care a bit you don't care a bit you don't care a bit you don't care a bit
CUT TO: The Bait Shop - someone puts a crate down on the bar. Jess walks off the stairs and over towards Trey, who is working behind the bar
Trey: (not happy to see Jess) what're you doing here (puts the crate on the floor) (Jess looks at him) you know I have'ta work for a living
Jess: yeah, well keep hanging out with me an soon you wont have to
Trey: let me ask you a question, why don't you ever worry about like calculus or Armenian? History like a normal teenager
Jess: bad parenting (raises eyebrows) so, looks like everything's gonna go down tonight, an it's gonna go down here
Trey: oh no no, what'do you mean here
Jess: I needed some place public, the last kid who sold to these guys ended up with a tire iron upside the head
Trey: (looks at Jess) great
Jess: look if you don't wanna do it (smiles)
Trey: look I (clenches his teeth) (softly) I said I'm gonna do it an I will, but after this I am done
(Trey takes the crate and walks away. Jess looks happy)
CUT TO: The Cohen's house/the wake - we see a gorgeous picture of Caleb and Kirsten in a picture frame, sitting on a table with some food. the camera pans and we see Hailey walk inside, she smiles and goes over to Jimmy who is getting himself some food
Hailey: I figured if I didn't initiate, you wouldn't talk to me
Jimmy: Hailey, hey (smiles) (hugs Hailey) no I'm sorry I had my hands full with...Julie an Marissa
Hailey: so you don't totally hate me for bailing on you
Jimmy: people in glass houses Hale
Hailey: (smiles) so you moved ta Hawaii, how is it
Jimmy: ah, it's fantastic, you would not believe the North Shore
Hailey: so I've heard
(Jimmy smiles and looks over at Kirsten. we see Kirsten greet someone near the door, and then drink her drink)
Jimmy: she's uh she's taking it pretty hard huh (frowns)
(Hailey looks over and we see Kirsten put her empty glass on the tray as a waiter walks by)
Hailey: (worried) I've never seen her like this
(we then see Kirsten, who looks like hell, walk into the kitchen and open the fridge. she takes out the bottle of vodka and pours herself a drink. Sandy walks in)
Sandy: (raises eyebrows) you know we have bar tenders we're payin to do that
Kirsten: I don't like waiting in line (drinks)
Sandy: (closes his eyes) you know honey its still early...this things gonna be goin on for a while maybe you wanna pace yourself (looks at Kirsten, worried)
Kirsten: (puts the glass down) maybe I don't, my father jus died, maybe you wanna lay off the Kirsten drink count for a while (pours herself another drink)
Sandy: ...I know you're upset
Kirsten: (looks at Sandy) you're right, I am (walks away)
(Julie is standing just outside of the kitchen and saw what just happened. she goes over to Sandy)
Julie: I...if it would help I could take over Kirsten watch for a while
Sandy: I don't know if anything is gonna help...
Julie: so then let her glower at me I'm use to it
Sandy: unfortunately so am I these days (looks at Julie) thankyou Julie
(Julie smiles and walks off in the direction Kirsten went. Sandy sighs. we see Julie over with Kirsten, she puts her hand on her back - we are now in the backyard with Seth, Marissa and Ryan)
Seth: ok I 've officially talked ta every pillar of the community, I'm sick of pillars (screws up his face)
Ryan: at least you don't have everyone asking if you're the guy that burned down Caleb's model home, caused him to have his first heart attack
Marissa: yeah well everyone's looking at me like I'm the grieving step daughter (frowns) I don't think the guy could stand me
Seth: (looks around) ok where is Summer, is she...smoking the salmon herself
Ryan: you guys wanna hide in the pool house
Seth: ah, so bad
Marissa: (nods) mm
(Seth Ryan and Marissa head off towards the pool house - we are now back inside. we see Kirsten standing by herself near the door. Summer is at the food table and notices Kirsten. Summer puts some tomato on a plate and then picks up 2 plates and walks over towards Kirsten)
Summer: (smiles) hey Mrs. Cohen I thought you might be hungry
Kirsten: oh no thankyou Summer
Summer: oh well if my step mother taught me anything, it's to never drink on an empty stomach (half laughs)
Kirsten: (nods) (cold) thanks for the tip
(Kirsten walks away. Summer just stands there. Sandy looks at Kirsten worried, then over at Summer. Summer turns around and sees Sandy)
Sandy: hey Summer
Summer: hey, Mr. C (smiles)
Sandy: boy you really cleaned out the buffet huh
Summer: well I have extra if you want any
Sandy: I am powerless before a white fish (Summer laughs) hey, could you do me a little favour (Summer listens) this thing is gonna be goin on for a little while (Summer nods) an you know Seth's ben through alot in the last couple'a days an (raises eyebrows) it might be a great idea if you could get him outta the house for a little while
(Sandy motions with his head over to Kirsten. Summer looks over and we see Kirsten put an empty glass back on the tray and takes a full one, she takes a drink)
Summer: (nods) yeah, sure thing
Sandy: thanks
(Summer walks away and Sandy looks as though he's worried, and worn out)
CUT TO: The pool house - we see a video game on the TV and then we see that Ryan and Seth are sitting on the end of the bed playing each other. Marissa is sitting on the side ledge watching them. Summer comes in
Summer: hey
(Ryan, Seth and Marissa all look over)
Seth: hey
Summer: um funeral food is like so depressing, I thought maybe we could go get some chili fries an...maybe stop by the Bait Shop or something (hopeful)
Seth: good idea (stands)
(Marissa looks worried)
Marissa: uh hey Ryan (stands) you don't think Trey'll be there do you
Ryan: no he's on day shifts, it'll be fine, promise
(Ryan kisses Marissa's cheek, and she his. then they hold hands and walk out)
CUT TO: The Bait Shop - we see a DJ playing some music, people dancing, flashing disco lights. then we see Trey drinking at the bar and looking worried. he looks over and sees Seth, Marissa, Ryan and Summer coming down the stairs
Seth: (frowns) do I still even work here, I should...find out for tax purposes
(Marissa stops at the bottom of the stairs and sees Trey)
Marissa: you've gotta be kidding me
(Ryan looks from Marissa to Trey. Trey looks away)
Trey: great (drinks)
(Trey goes over to them. Seth waves)
Trey: hey, man I'm so sorry about your grandfather (shakes Seth's hand)
Seth: yeah, thanks
Ryan: what're you doin here
Trey: came by to pick up a paycheck
Marissa: paychecks are handed out on Mondays
(Trey looks at Marissa, Marissa looks at Trey. Summer notices)
Seth: (frowns) even I know that an I think I got fired
Trey: oh yeah (Marissa glares at Trey) when was that (laughs)
(Ryan looks at Trey. Jess comes over)
Jess: you guys are dressed up
Seth: we jus came from uh my grandfather's funeral (Summer puts her hand on his chest)
Jess: yeah, well he's probably pretty old (looks at Trey) ready Trey (Marissa glares at Trey again) bye party people
(Trey and Jess walk off)
Seth: you guys wanna go maybe grab us some seats
Ryan: yeah we'll get drinks
Summer: ok (looks at Marissa) come on
(Summer and Marissa walk off. we see Jess and Trey walking up the stairs. Ryan looks worried. we see Jess and Trey again)
Trey: it's bad enough this has'ta go down in the place I work at (grabs Jess' arm) but with Ryan here (lets go)
Jess: (smiles) what afraid your gonna look bad in front'a Marissa Cooper
Trey: no I jus think we should go some place else, the pier, whatever
Jess: it's to late our friends are already on their way, now is it loaded (looks at Trey)
(Trey takes the gun out and slides the thingo to show that there is a bullet in there, then lets it go so that it covers the bullet again. we then see Marissa and Summer walking)
Summer: ok Coop, you wanna tell me what that was about between you an Trey
Marissa: what're you talking about
Summer: oh I don't know, gamma rays of hate shooting outta your eyeballs, I mean problems with Ryan (she and Marissa sit on the couch) a weird tension with Trey, one girl two brothers it's all a little legend of the fall
Marissa: hm, I never saw that one (to someone walking passed) hi (smiles) (Summer looks at her)
(we are now with Seth and Ryan at the bar waiting for drinks)
Seth: (puts up a finger and goes to speak then stops) (to Ryan) I guess if I still work here I could...make the drinks myself
Ryan: so how are you man
Seth: not good my heads...all over the place, I still haven't had a chance to talk to my dad (Ryan looks at him) two uhus an a couple'a smoothy chasers please
(we then see a rough looking guy go up the stairs. Ryan notices, and we see the guy go over to Jess and then they walk off together. Ryan looks worried. we see Jess walking across the bridge from underneath {you know the wire bridge thing that takes you from one side of the Bait Shop to the other)
CUT TO: Cohen's backyard - Sandy and Jimmy are standing together, talking
Jimmy: and uh what about you I mean hows-hows work, how's the family
Sandy: well actually uh...(looks at Jimmy) not so good (Jimmy nods) you know you left, boy, jus before things got really crazy (nods)
Jimmy: yeah well, that was the idea (raises eyebrows) I guess
(Julie comes over)
Julie: Sandy, I need your help
(Sandy looks over and we see a tipsy Kirsten holding the bottle of vodka and walking around)
Sandy: excuse me
(Kirsten walks up the steps and almost trips, spilling the vodka and losing her balance. she composes herself and smiles)
Sandy: oh for god sake Kirsten at least use a glass
Kirsten: (closes her eyes, mocking) oh for god sake Sandy jus leave me alone
Sandy: its ben a long day...an I bet (raises eyebrows) you could probably use a little sleep
Kirsten: I feel (touches her chest) ok
Sandy: come on (holds Kirsten) lets jus go to bed
Kirsten: (pushes Sandy away) get your hands (screams) off me
(the vodka bottle smashes onto the concrete. everyone looks to see what the commotion is. Kirsten takes a breath in and Sandy just looks at her, helplessly)
Kirsten: are ya happy (looks at Sandy)
(Kirsten walks away, Julie and Jimmy walk over to her, they both look worried)
Julie: Kirsten
Kirsten: I'm ok (puts her hand up) Jimmy I'm ok
(Sandy watches as Jimmy and Julie help Kirsten walk down the stairs and towards the house. Hailey looks at them, and then at Sandy. Sandy just looks emotionless)
CUT TO: The Bait Shop - we see Jess doing coke. Trey is standing near by looking nervous
Jess: (sniffs) you got the money
(the rough looking guy from before puts a bag on the table with wads of cash sticking out if it)
Jess: have your taste then we're all good
(RG leans forward, Trey watches him with his arms folded. he snorts the coke and then looks up at Jess)
Jess: (puts a bag down on the table) speed an the E are in the bag, same quality
RG: (grabs the bag and stands) actually we don't have enough to cover the coke
(Jess stands up)
RG: how bout we set up a payment plan like we plan to pay you when we feel like it
Jess: yeah what's up, we had a deal
RG: (gets in Jess' face) we're renegotiating Garden Grove style (Jess looks at him) what're you gonna do about it you little Newport biotch (goes to walk away)
(Jess turns around and grabs the gun from Trey)
Jess: (points the gun) who's the bitch now huh
[SCENE_BREAK]
(the RG and his mates look at Jess)
Trey: (clenches his teeth) what the hell do you think your doin Jess
Jess: give me my money, get in your ice rocket an drive away
RG: your gonna have'ta shoot me
(Jess shrugs and aims the gun above RG's head. she fires the gun twice and everybody starts screaming and running. we see Ryan and Marissa looking scared, because of the gun shots, then we see Jess running across the bridge, and Trey following her. then we see Seth and Summer looking around. then we see RG going after Jess and Trey. Trey pushes someone out of the way on the bridge, Ryan and Marissa see. then we see Trey and Jess running again, RG is still behind them but now he has a gun of his own in his hand. Ryan sees)
Ryan: (screams) get down
(we see everyone get down on the floor, so we can now clearly see RG pointing his gun, he shoots. -we then see Seth and Summer crouched down, Seth has his hand over her head, protectively {aww}. Ryan has his hand over Marissa's back, protectively {aww} we then see RG run out of the Bait Shop. Summer looks up)
Ryan: everybody ok
Summer: (worried) Marissa
(Marissa sits up)
Summer: oh my gosh
(Marissa looks upset, and a little dazed. she pulls her hair back from her forehead and we see that there is alot of blood running down the side of her face)
Seth: it's jus broken glass
(Marissa pulls her hand away, stunned. Summer puts something on the bleeding, I think it's a tissue. Marissa is making groaning noises, and screws up her face in pain)
Summer: (screws up her face) wait
(Ryan looks at Marissa, then looks away then back at Marissa, he looks angry)
CUT TO: Cohen family room - Hailey is watching TV and Sandy sits on the couch next to her
Hailey: where is she
Sandy: sleepin it off
Hailey: how long has this ben going on
Sandy: (shakes his head) too long...you know last night sealed the deal...she's getting help whether she wants it or not (looks at Hailey)
Hailey: (looks at Sandy) speaking of help, how can I
Sandy: well I...I'm gonna need ta talk to the boys, privately, I-I I don't know what they know (shrugs)
Hailey: I can get her outta the house, maybe a day at the spa
Sandy: thanks Hale
Hailey: (half smile) yeah (gets up)
CUT TO: Treys apartment - Ryan knocks on the door and Trey answers
Trey: hey, had a feelin id see-
Ryan: can I uh (motions inside) can I come in
Trey: yeah
(Ryan goes in)
Trey: you want somethin to drink like water-
Ryan: what happened last night
Trey: (shuts the door, sighs) I was...helpin Jess out, it got a little outta control man
Ryan: (points) story of your life right
Trey: yeah, but that was it man...I told her, I'm done
Ryan: done, heard that before too (smiles)
Trey: dude I know that Jess turned out to be a little crazier then I expected-
Ryan: (hand on his hip) oh really that's a suprise considering you met her face down in a pool
Trey: I screwed up Ryan (moves closer) I know that, what'do you want me to say
Ryan: I don't want you to say anything...anymore, we-we gave it a shot we tried to make it work
Trey: I...swear to god Ryan
Ryan: (looks at Trey) I want you outta Newport
Trey: (frowns) c-come on man (looks at Ryan) we're brothers (Ryan looks at him) we're blood, granted I got a little more'a dads bad luck-
Ryan: (means it) you gotta go Trey
(Trey looks at Ryan, Ryan looks at Trey)
Trey: ...(nods) ok...ill be gone first thing in the morning
(Ryan slowly walks to the door and opens it. Trey watches him. Ryan goes out the door, shutting it behind him. he doesn't look back)
[SCENE_BREAK]
CUT TO: Caleb's mansion - Julie is playing with what looks like a coffee machine, she looks like she has no idea what she's doing. Jimmy walks over with 3 coffees in a tray in one hand, and a box of something in the other hand
Jimmy: I figured you hadn't learned how to brew coffee yet
Julie: ok (smiles) marrying Caleb didn't exactly turn me into a domestic goddess
Jimmy: (hands Julie a coffee) and I brought your favourite powdered sugared doughnuts (holds out the box) from seven eleven
Julie: (frowns with a smile) thankyou
Jimmy: (laughs) so listen, I was hoping you me Marissa could take the boat out, sail to Catalina today
Julie: oh, well except Marissa won't be up till close to sun down so (shrugs) hm
Jimmy: well then uh (frowns) how bout you an I go (Julie looks at him) you an me...grab some lobsters, dead ones of course, hang out have lunch
Julie: (frowns) wow, we haven't done that in like a million years (points) since before we were married (Jimmy raises his eyebrows) (thinks) ok, ill write Marissa a note
(Jimmy drinks his coffee)
CUT TO: Cohen kitchen - Seth is in there by himself looking very lost, and Sandy comes in
Seth: hey
Sandy: hey
Seth: I was jus makin some cereal, do'you want some
Sandy: no I'm good, thanks, boy we got alotta left overs an the food is still arrivin by the truckload
Seth: yeah, it's a silver lining of any funeral (pours some cereal into his bowl) how's mum is she up yet
Sandy: yeah, she's spendin the day at a spa with Hailey, gettin a little R an R
Seth: well that's good, she could use a day to relax (nods) (frowns) she hasn't really ben to uh...mom esque...lately
Sandy: (looks at Seth) well that's true (nods) she's sufferin right now
Seth: well she's...really close ta grandpa so
Sandy: oh it's bigger then that Seth (looks at Seth) (Seth looks at him) ...your mother has a drinking problem (Seth nods, dazed) she needs help
Seth: oh...you mean like that...rehab brochure that I found an you jus forgot ta mention
Sandy: I've ben waitin for the right time an (frowns) I've ben hopin I could do this myself
Seth: maybe we can, so she's drinking, we ask her to stop (Sandy looks at him) we don't have'ta send her away
Sandy: (looks at Seth) she can't stop...she's tried (Seth looks at him) (moves closer) there's a doctor coming here this afternoon...he's gonna help us stage an intervention
Seth: (shocked) what wh- is this like an after school special (upset) her dad died, she's sad, she's havin a few drinks
Sandy: this has ben goin on for a long time...the car accident she had
Seth: (pointed) yeah (looks at Sandy)
Sandy: did you know she had ben drinking
Seth: (upset) no, I didn't because ya never told me, you never told me anything until right now when ya expect me to help ship her off
Sandy: we're trying ta help her
Seth: god y'know- how do I know you didn't cause her to drink (frowns) somethin weirds ben goin on between you two all year
Sandy: I get that you're upset, I'm upset to
Seth: (nods) ok well if your way of showin that your upset is shippin her off so you don't have'ta deal with her that's fine, I'm jus not gonna be apart of it
Sandy: (stern) you are apart of it whether you wanna be or not (looks at Seth) you wanna run away again (Seth shrugs and shakes his head, defiantly) get in your boat an sail away? (teary) your mother needs you! (Seth looks away)
(we hear the front door close and Ryan heads towards the kitchen)
Sandy: come on in Ryan, you should hear this
Seth: (walking out) yeah, apparently moms a drunk an today's the intervention so, plan your afternoon accordingly
(Seth walks out of the kitchen upset, Sandy looks down)
Ryan: if you want I could talk to him (Sandy looks up) tell him your doin the right thing, cause you are
Sandy: thanks...but that's my job
(Sandy and Ryan look at each other)
CUT TO: Marissa's bedroom - Marissa looks at herself in the mirror. she pulls her hair back so she can see the cut on her head, then she pulls it back down to cover it. we hear a knock at the door
Marissa: (looks over) come in
(Summer walks in)
Summer: hey, how's your head
Marissa: um ok (frowns) it's just a scratch
Summer: well I was thinking, after the passed few days you've had some pancakes on the pier an some (closes her eyes) serious sunbathing could be jus what the doctor ordered (Marissa looks at her) that is if I had a PHD
Marissa: you know you don't have'ta take care of me
Summer: are you kidding, after that scene from scar face we jus lived through, I could use a short stack (raises eyebrows) stat
Marissa: alright well, I appreciate it (goes over to her drawers)
Summer: good, so we'll go...just as soon as you tell me what's going on
Marissa: huh
Summer: the weird bruise on your neck an the bad excuse from you, weird tension with Trey an then you don't even bother ta make up an excuse...Marissa please don't lie to me, I'm your best friend an I know something happened (frowns) please jus tell me what's going on
(Marissa shuts the drawer with her back still to Summer, and starts to get upset. she sniffs and Summer looks worried)
Summer: Coop...
(Marissa cries more, we see her shoulders and back are shaking and we hear her crying louder)
Summer: (gets up) Coop
(Marissa turns around to face Summer and she has tears running down her face)
Summer: ooh (softly) sweetie
(Summer hugs Marissa, and Marissa continues to cry. Summer puts her hand on Marissa's head. Marissa's holds Summer tightly)
CUT TO: Seth's bedroom - Seth is sitting on his bed with his hands in his lap, looking very lost. Sandy slowly walks in. he stands in front of Seth for a second and then sits next to him on the bed
Sandy: (looks at Seth, then looks down) maybe I should'a told you earlier...I don't know (shakes his head) they left that chapter outta the manual
Seth: ...how long would she go away for
Sandy: well as long as it takes (Seth nods) months, maybe
Seth: (shakes his head slightly) this isn't (blinks)...this isn't suppose'ta happen to us we're not that family
Sandy: (looks at Seth) every family's got their issues...this is ours
Seth: ...I jus don't think I can do it, not to mom
Sandy: I get it
(we hear the doorbell)
(Seth looks down and closes his eyes)
Sandy: that's the doctor from the clinic...we'll be down stairs
Seth: (looks at Sandy, helplessly) I'm sorry
(Sandy looks at Seth then puts his arm around him. he kisses him on the head and then gives him a hug. Seth closes his eyes, his head is on Sandy's chest and Sandy has his hand around the back of Seth's neck. Sandy closes his eyes {this is a truly heart wrenching moment}
CUT TO: Hailey and Kirsten driving home. Kirsten is looking at the ocean and Hailey is driving
Hailey: how you feeling
Kirsten: better thanks, its just what I needed (smiles) that deep tissue massage worked miracles
Hailey: that's good (smiles)
Kirsten: (looks at Hailey) we should call the house an see if they want us to pick up any food
Hailey: (shrugs) we should probably jus go home, you know there's alotta left overs
(Kirsten smiles and looks away, Hailey smiles and then it goes. she looks worried. we then see the car driving on the road for a second)
CUT TO: Cohen house - we see Kirsten and Hailey come in the front door
Kirsten: (calls) hello, anyone home
(Sandy comes into the shot)
Sandy: hey
Kirsten: oh hey
Sandy: why don't you come inta the kitchen...I need to talk to you
Kirsten: (looks at Sandy) your acting awfully mysterious
(Sandy looks at Kirsten and then goes back into the kitchen. Kirsten looks at Hailey and then follows him. Hailey follows a little behind Kirsten)
Kirsten: oh (smiles) well I didn't know we had a company
(the doctor from earlier is in there, and Ryan is standing a little back with his arms folded)
Dr: hi (smiles) I'm Dr. Kenneth Woodroff (shakes Kirsten's hand) I'm a counselor at the Suriak drug an alcohol abuse rehabilitation center
Kirsten: uh ok does someone (looks at Ryan) wanna tell me what's going on (looks at Hailey)
Dr: your family requested that I be here today (Sandy looks at Kirsten) ta help them lead an intervention
Kirsten: (confused) uh (raises eyebrows) what for, why
Dr: we are all here because we are worried that uh you have an addiction to alcohol
(Hailey, Ryan and then Sandy look at Kirsten while the Dr is talking)
Dr: each person here wants to share their concern for you
Kirsten: well that's very nice of everybody but not necessary (nods)
Dr: Sandy, you go first
(the Dr steps away from Kirsten and Sandy moves closer)
Sandy: I'm so sorry honey (Kirsten looks at him) how hard this must be for you to hear...I don't want you to hurt yourself anymore
Kirsten: Sandy don't you think you're over reacting...I mean everybody's over reacting (Sandy looks at her, helplessly)
Dr: Hailey, please, now you
Hailey: Keek's (Kirsten looks at her) you know our history, you know mom battled it an you know if it was me you'd be doing the same thing
Kirsten: (upset) I don't know that, all the time you were partying an doing drugs (Hailey looks at her) I just encouraged you to make better choices (pointed) I didn't lock you up
Dr: Ryan
(Ryan looks at the Dr and then Kirsten)
Kirsten: oh don't you say a word I let you inta this house
Ryan: (moves forward) ...yeah you did because my own mom couldn't take care'a me (Kirsten listens) because she wouldn't get help even though I asked her to...I don't wanna see that happen again to someone I love (looks at Kirsten)
(Kirsten stands there for a few seconds)
Kirsten: ...I don't know who you are or what your doing here (Hailey, Ryan the Dr and Sandy look at her) but I-AM-NOT-GOING
(Kirsten turns around to leave the kitchen and Seth is standing in the door way {this part here was what had me in tears, Seth being there when she turned around was just SO powerful, not to mention what Ryan had just said aww} Seth looks at Kirsten, Kirsten looks at Seth)
Seth: mom please, you gotta do this
(Kirsten looks at Seth, Seth looks at Kirsten, slightly nodding. Sandy walks over to them. Kirsten looks away from Seth and starts getting teary. she closes her eyes and screws up her face, then puts her head down. Sandy holds her in his arms and Seth puts his hand on her back and rubs it. Sandy touches Seth's arm. Ryan and Hailey come over and put their hands on Kirsten's back as well, and Ryan puts his hand on Sandy's shoulder {awww, this a beautiful, heartbreaking family moment!})
CUT TO: Cohen living room - Seth and Ryan are sitting on the couch together watching TV, they both look out of it. we see the channel change a few times on the TV and then we hear a door close. Seth and Ryan both look over. in the hall way we see Kirsten and Hailey hugging, and Sandy is near by with Kirsten's bag
Kirsten: aren't you glad you got ta come back for all this fun
Hailey: (smiles) actually, I am (Kirsten nods, teary)
(we then see Seth and Ryan walking towards them)
Sandy: ill put the bag in your car (Kirsten looks at Sandy and nods)
Hailey: ill see you soon sis (kisses Kirsten on the head and then goes up stairs)
(Kirsten nods, teary. she takes a breath in and turns towards Seth and Ryan, her boys)
Kirsten: (teary) I'm so sorry...that I...put you both through this
Ryan: jus get better
Kirsten: (nods, smiles) I will (looks at Seth) are you gonna be ok
Seth: yeah i'll be fine, an don't worry...about dad we'll set up a stage in the living room (nods) (Kirsten looks at him and smiles) give him a microphone an the music to star light express
Ryan: I got the take out menus covered
Seth: ill order em, I'm good with the phone
Ryan: we'll be fine, really
Kirsten: (tearier) I love you both so much
(Kirsten hugs Seth and Ryan at the same time {its similar to the hug when they come home, and Kirsten runs to them. just as sweet} Seth and Ryan put their heads on each of Kirsten's shoulders and close their eyes. we can hear Kirsten crying, and she's holding onto them both tightly {awww})
CUT TO: Out the front of the Cohen house - Sandy is out by the car. he walks from the boot to the drivers door and gets in the car. Seth and Ryan are standing in front of the front door watching. when Sandy gets in we see that Kirsten is already in the passenger seat. Sandy starts the car and Kirsten does a small wave to the boys. Ryan lifts his hand to wave back, as does Seth. we then see Sandy and Kirsten pulling out of the drive way, Kirsten looks lost. Seth and Ryan put their hands down. Ryan looks at Seth, Seth is watching the car. the car stops and Sandy and Kirsten look at the boys in the distance. Kirsten looks out the window as Sandy starts driving again. we then see the car disappear down the road. Ryan puts his head down then looks up again. Seth is frowning
Ryan: alright (touches Seth's arm) come on, you owe me a rematch (puts his hand on Seth's back)
CUT TO: Caleb's mansion - Julie and Jimmy walk up the stairs together
Julie: well James, other then those disgusting mussels you made me eat (points) (Jimmy laughs) this was actually pretty fun (smiles)
Jimmy: well you're entitled to a little fun
Julie: oh its jus...I feel so guilty
Jimmy: about what, smiling the day after your husbands funeral (Julie nods) well lets-lets face it that marriage wasn't exactly-
Julie: (looks at Jimmy) what we had (Jimmy looks at her) nothing ever will be
Jimmy: (looks at Julie) what if (looks down) I decided to stay, what if (takes Julies hand) mm you know we gave it another shot, we're both older an wiser now
Julie: well I'm certainly wiser
(Jimmy laughs. Julie smiles. Jimmy looks down at their hands. they link fingers)
CUT TO: Treys apartment - Trey comes out of the hallway and lays his clothes on the table, ready to pack. Jess is sitting in the lounge room
Jess: going somewhere
(Trey turns around, startled. Jess looks at him)
Trey: I don't know where I'm goin, but I'm goin
Jess: we could take off together
Trey: (picks up his bag) yeah Jess, an where would we go
Jess: (pulls out some wads of cash and throws them on the coffee table) Vegas
(Trey looks at Jess and then the money)
Jess: you a gambler Trey
Trey: (nods) I hooked up with you
Jess: (picks up the cash and stands) I'm gonna go home an pack (moves closer) steal my step dads beamer, an ill be back at eight
(Jess kisses Trey, Trey kisses back but he puts his hands up in the air. Jess smiles and leaves. Trey doesn't look very happy)
CUT TO: The Cohen's pool - Ryan and Seth are floating in the pool together
Seth: this whole floating in the pool thing is not really helping
Ryan: yeah, I hear you (looks at Seth)
Seth: but neither was video games or the wisdom of Chuck Klosterman
Ryan: (thinks) you know what, we should get outta the house (sniffs) hit up a old age home, some shuffle board action
Seth: (shrugs) I'm not really in the mood for old people
Ryan: IMAX movie, somethin with sharks, huh
Seth: alright I like sharks
(we hear the doorbell)
Seth: (sighs) the way things've ben going I bet that's Oliver
(the next thing we see is Seth clothed, and answering the door. Summer is there)
Seth: hey
Summer: hey, could I talk ta you...alone
(Summer walks in and Seth shuts the front door. Summer goes into I think, Sandy's bar area. Seth follows)
Seth: what's goin on, everything ok
Summer: no (looks at Seth) look I'm really sorry to pile on in terms of like the (softly, upset) worst news ever
Seth: (puts his hand on Summers shoulder) hey, its ok, whats'a matter
Summer: (looks at Seth) when you an Ryan were in Miami Trey an Marissa...
Seth: (nods) yeah
Summer: ...he attacked her, Seth
Seth: (folds his arms) what'do you mean
Summer: (upset) he forced himself on her he tried ta (looks at Seth, Seth nods slightly) (shakes her head) but she didn't tell Ryan because, you know he's Ryan an who knows what he would do
Seth: well, he has'ta know
Summer: you think
Seth: yeah, look if last night wasn't prove enough Trey's crazy, what if he attacks you next (Summer closes her eyes) I cant not tell him
Summer: (shrugs) but how are you gonna tell him
(Seth looks as though he's thinking)
CUT TO: Suriak - Sandy and Kirsten pull up out the front. Dr Woodroff is there with another woman
Dr: welcome (smiles and opens Kirsten's door) ill show you to your room
(Kirsten gets out of the car)
Dr: but first I need to check your bag Kirsten uh its standard procedure
(Kirsten takes her bag off her shoulder and hands it to the Dr. the Dr then hands it to the lady. Sandy looks at Kirsten, Kirsten looks at Sandy - we then see Sandy and Kirsten together in Kirsten's room {this part made me realise what they are facing, for a married couple not to be sleeping in the same bed together, its heart breaking. and for her to be going through detox by herself, also heartbreaking!} ok Kirsten looks around the room, looking lost)
Sandy: oh its a good sized bed (raises eyebrows) (Kirsten looks at him) ooo nice sheets (feels the sheets) high thread count (points) nice TV...alotta channels (looks at Kirsten) ill bet you get alot of reading done here
Kirsten: (nods) yeah
(there's a knock at the door. a woman walks in)
W: excuse me, uh Mrs. Cohen (Kirsten looks over) we're having a meeting for new guests
Sandy: (to the woman) what time is the meeting over I (looks at Kirsten) I jus wanna make sure I'm home when you call
W: actually uh, she won't be able to make any phone calls for seventy two hours (Kirsten looks stunned) (to Sandy) its detox
Sandy: oh
(Kirsten and Sandy look at each other)
Sandy: could you give us just a minute
(the woman smiles and leaves. Kirsten looks at Sandy, she looks so scared and vulnerable. Sandy looks at Kirsten)
Kirsten: (teary) I'm so sorry Sandy...what I said to you (raises eyebrows) (Sandy looks at her) put you through
Sandy: you know we can bend this thing (Kirsten looks at him) doesn't mean it's gonna break (Kirsten nods)
(the next thing we see is Kirsten and Sandy coming out of Kirsten's room. Kirsten looks at Sandy and Sandy kisses Kirsten on the mouth. they touch hands before Sandy walks down the hall, he stops at the end and looks back at Kirsten. Kirsten blows him a kiss. Sandy smiles then leaves. Kirsten starts to get upset again)
CUT TO: The pool house - Ryan grabs his watch off the top and puts it on then sighs. we hear a faint knock. Ryan looks over
Ryan: hey
Seth: hey
Ryan: we should probably go, IMAX movies have previews? (goes over to Seth)
Seth: uh maybe we should skip the movie, actually (Ryan looks at Seth) (frowns) d'you wanna, si'down maybe (Ryan looks at him) or stand up or whatever
Ryan: what's goin on
Seth: (sighs) uh...my-my dad jus called uh (Ryan looks up) said my mom jus landed at the place, it's really beautiful an
Ryan: that's good man (smiles)
Seth: yeah but also...somethin more (looks at Ryan) but before I tell you (points) you gotta promise your gonna stay calm, an your not gonna get all 'old school Ryan Atwood'
Ryan: (looks at Seth) what is it
Seth: well, it's upsetting
Ryan: (losing patience) yeah we covered that
Seth: (swallows) so (looks at Ryan) I know what happened with Trey an Marissa (Ryan looks at him) like what really happened
Ryan: (looks at Seth) ...what'do you mean
Seth: well I guess, when we were away he sorta like...attacked her or something, kinda forced himself on her (Ryan looks stunned) I mean nothing happened she fought him off but that's...that's why he's got the cut on his head
(Ryan looks teary. Seth looks at him, worried. Ryan looks away and slowly sits down, stunned)
Ryan: all year...I have tried ta be a different person
(Ryan looks up at Seth. Seth looks at him. Ryan stands and looks at Seth)
Ryan: I can't do that anymore (starts to leave)
Seth: wait, Ryan, what're you gonna do
Ryan: (stops at the door, turns around) I'm gonna settle this with Trey (Seth looks at him) once an for all
CUT TO: Caleb's mansion - we see Jimmy light a candle and Marissa comes over. Jimmy and Julie are standing together, looking almost couple'y
Marissa: what're you guys doing
Julie: oh, well we thought we'd have dinner...as a family
Marissa: (confused) ok
Jimmy: and uh...breakfast
Marissa: ah-huh what's going on here
Julie: well, your fathers going ta stay with us while we get settled and...then maybe after that
(Marissa looks from Julie to Jimmy)
Jimmy: if that's ok with you
Julie: an with Caitlyn coming home from boarding school this summer we were talking about (looks at Jimmy) taking a family trip, maybe (smiles)
Jimmy: again (raises eyebrows) if that's ok with you
(Julie looks at Marissa)
Marissa: anything (shrugs) ta have you back dad (hugs Jimmy)
Jimmy: thanks kiddo
(Julie smiles. Marissa looks at Julie and then slowly leans forward and hugs her. Julie looks shocked at first, and then she closes her eyes. Marissa looks, I wouldn't say happy, but she's definitely trying. she closes her eyes for a second)
Marissa: id really love for us to be a family again
(Julie smiles, Marissa half smiles. Julie looks at Jimmy)
Jimmy: (smiles) the Coopers makin a comeback (Marissa laughs) who'd a thunkit
(Marissa's phone rings)
Marissa: oh sorry, one sec (answers) hey can I call you back
(we see Seth and Summer in the car together. Summer is driving and Seth is on the phone to Marissa)
Seth: actually no there's a problem
Marissa: (frowns) what's going on
Seth: well we're on our way to Treys but your closer, maybe you can stop him
Marissa: what're you talking about
Seth: Ryan knows
(Marissa realises straight away what that means and hangs up, she walks away - the next thing we see is Marissa's car speeding out of the drive way. then we see the range rover driving on the road. Ryan looks emotionless)
CUT TO: Treys apartment - Inside Trey is busy putting some rubbish in a rubbish bag - out the front Ryan pulls up.- inside Trey lifts a cushion on the couch and the gun is underneath it. - outside Ryan slams the car door and goes up to the door, he bangs on it hard. - inside Trey looks over towards the door. there's more banging from Ryan. Trey puts the cushion back over the gun and goes to answer the door. he opens it a little and sees Ryan standing there
Trey: (smiles) hey Ry
Ryan: (cold) I know what happened (Trey looks at Ryan) I know what happened with you an Marissa (Trey slightly nods) (walks towards Trey) how could you man, I would'a done anything for you
Trey: look man (raises eyebrows) it was messed up, I was stoned
Ryan: it wasn't my idea Trey, I didn't wanna steal that car
Trey: hey man I went away for it an uh you got the good life
Ryan: (angry) you had ta destroy it, you had to hurt her, huh
Trey: (pushes Ryan away from him) no no
(Trey runs to the couch and throws the cushion aside and grabs the gun)
Trey: (points the gun at Ryan. Ryan is stunned) ok listen man calm down, you've gotta calm down right now, ok
Ryan: (glares at Trey) what're you gonna do, shoot me
(Trey still has the gun pointed at Ryan, breathing heavily)
Ryan: is that how this ends
Trey: no, no how this ends is up ta you...an whether or not you walk away right now (Ryan doesn't move) (clenches his teeth) WALK away
(Trey looks at Ryan, Ryan looks at Trey. Trey looks at Ryan. Ryan looks down and puts his hands up. Trey looks at Ryan, still pointing the gun at him. Ryan puts his hands down and slowly turns around. Trey lowers the gun, relieved. Ryan turns around and charges into Trey, screaming ahhhhhh. his head hits Trey in the stomach. Trey hits the wall and then falls to the floor. Trey goes to get up and Ryan punches him, he punches him again, and again, and again. Ryan has a freaky look on his face. he grabs Trey around the throat and sort of sits him up. Trey puts his hand on Ryan's face, trying to push him away. Ryan has his hand over Treys | Plan: A: Caleb; Q: Whose death causes Kirsten to hit rock bottom? A: his marriage; Q: What does Sandy put at stake to help Kirsten? A: Marissa; Q: Who takes action when Ryan confronts Trey? A: Newport; Q: Where do Hailey and Jimmy return to comfort their families? A: Seth; Q: Who and Summer rekindle their relationship? Summary: Caleb's death brings Kirsten to rock bottom, forcing Sandy to put his marriage at stake to help her. Marissa takes action when Ryan confronts Trey. Hailey and Jimmy return to Newport to comfort their families. Seth and Summer rekindle their relationship. |
Scene 1: In the woods - Andy
Andy: Pig!
Scene 2: Outside Sookie's house - Sam, Daphne, Maryann, Eggs, Tara, Terry
Tara: Just give in. It feels so good.
Sam: What's she done to you?
Andy arrives.
Andy: What the... ?
Daphne: Stop.
Sam kicks Daphne and runs. They all shout. Maryann runs after him.
Maryann: I'm here, Sam. You're gonna be the one.
Sam transforms in an owl and disappears. Maryann takes his tee-shirt.
Credit
Back at the party:
Andy: Nobody move! (he has a gun) I said don't f*****' move! Terry? What the hell are you doin'? put on some goddamn pants. What the hell?
Scene 3: The FotS's basement - Sookie, Hugo
Sookie: Godric. Godric, can you hear me? Isabel and Eric sent us. Godric! I know he's down here somewhere. I heard the awful things they're plannin' to do to him.
Hugo: Remember how I said I was claustrophobic? I wasn't makin' that part up. It's bad. Okay, I can't take elevators, walk-in closets. You know, hotels where they tuck the sheets in all tight? Just thinkin' about that makes me want to scream.
Sookie: Jesus Christ, Vampire Exterminator? Silver and Stakes? Send'Em Back to Hell? So sick teachin' kids to hate like this.
Hugo: Sookie, I don't have time for games right now. I need to get out of here.
Sookie: Take a deep breath. Look at me. It's gonna be okay. We're gonna figure this out, all right?
Hugo: Okay, I'm okay.
Sookie: So the Newlins knew who we were the minute we walked in. Same way they knew to come after me at the airport. 'Cause someone at the nest is a traitor.
Hugo: You think a vampire's siding with the Fellowship to get Godric out of the way?
Sookie: Stan? 'Cause he wants to be sheriff? I've heard of ambitious, but that's just plain crazy.
Hugo: You've met him. I mean, he would rip our throats out for lookin' at his sideways.
Sookie: It's true, Bill and Eric could do a lot worse to him when they find out. Bill had to have sensed my fear. He's gonna come storming through this church any second.
Hugo: And you don't seem happy about that because?
Sookie: These fanatics are about to barbecue a 2000-year-old vampire in front of the entire congregation. Who knows what else they're capable of?
Scene 4: Bill's hotel room - Bill, Lorena
Bill: Get out of my way!
Lorena: But we have so much catchin' up to do.
Bill: Move now! I will not ask again.
Lorena: You smell like her. Sweet. And cheap. William Compton, you're still so sensitive. Some might say it's a weakness, but I've always found it oddly cute. We can play this game all night, but we both know I am stronger and faster, so really, what's the point?
Bill: What are you doin' here?
Lorena: I've missed you. It's been so long.
Flash back: Los Angeles, 1935
Bill is on a chair, reading.
Bill: You're back early.
Lorena: I loathe musicals. They're always so desperately cheerful, aren't they? I brought you a present. (A woman arrives) Frances, this is Alfred. Alfred, Frances.
Frances: Hello.
Lorena: Frances is in this chorus. She has real talent. Show him.
Frances: Right here?
Bill: That will not be necessary.
Lorena: Don't mind him. He's in one of his moods. Again. But I'm sure we can find a way to... cheer him up.
Bill: I meant what I said. No more.
Lorena: You can't starve yourself, darling. Just taste her. She smells like... apricots. Remember those?
Bill stops before biting Frances.
Bill: Leave now.
Frances leaves.
Lorena: You are such a wer blanker. I don't know why I keep bothering with you.
Bill: Why do you? I can't stand the sight of you.
Lorena: So dramatic. Perhaps we should head back South. This town's a cultural desert. It's no wonder we are so depressed.
Bill: I'm not depressed. I'm seeing clearly for the first time in years. I won't do this any longer. It's over. No more innocent lives and bloody beds and cruelty for sport.
Lorena: You are a vampire. They are food. That's your nature.
Bill: No. it is your nature. You have lost your humanity, and you have stolen mine, made me into a monster. I forgot myself, and I will have to live with the things we've done for an eternity.
Lorena: I sometimes forget how young you are. This conscience of yours, you will outgrow it. Trust me. We will get through this together.
Lorena: I will never again be what you want me to be.
End flash back.
Bill: If Sookie is hurt in any way because of you, I will not stop until I drive a stake through whatever semblance of a heart you have left.
Lorena: It's true. You're in love... with a human. That's so tragic it's funny.
Scene 5: FotS - Eric, Isabel, Jason, Sarah
Eric: You have got to be joking me. This is the Fellowship of the Sun? That's their army? Scared little boys with bibles and crossbows.
Isabel: Don't underestimate them. Support fir their movement is growing. Their leadership camps are overflowing with self-righteous extremists, all willing and ready to die for their cause.
Eric: That can be arranged quite easily.
Isabel: Not until we know for sure the Fellowship of has Godric.
Eric: What about your boy Hugo, and Sookie? They've been in there too long.
Isabel: There's no sign of alarm. And if Hugo were in serious danger, I would know it. I felt something earlier, but it passed. He's okay now.
Eric: Tell me, what is it that you find so fulfilling about human companionship?
Isabel: They feel much more strongly than we do. Everything is urgent, exciting. Maybe because their lives are so temporary.
Eric: Yes, they certainly don't keep well. Don't you find the prospect of him growing old, sickly, crippled, somewhat, repulsive?
Isabel: No. I find it curious. Like a science project. How does Bill Compton feel about your interest in Sookie?
Eric: I'm not interested in Sookie. And even less in how Bill Compton feels. My only interest is finding Godric.
Isabel: Of course.
Eric: Don't look at me like that. Do you really believe these fools could overpower a vampire such as Godric and hold him for weeks?
Isabel: Stan is sure of it. But I have known Godric a long time. It's hard to imagine anything could overpower him.
Eric: Not anything human.
Jason and Sarah are in the church.
Jason: It just don't make sense. How somethin' wrong could feel that right. Hey, ain't that a song? Don't cry. It's my fault. If anyone's goin' to hell, it's gonna be me.
Sarah: I waned this every bit as much as you did. And the strange this is, I don't even feel guilty about it.
Jason: So you're cryin' 'cause...?
Sarah: Because I'm so happy. Oh, Jason, I thought I loved Steve, but I never even knew what love was until you just showed me.
Jason: Waw. That's... intense, huh?
Sarah: I know. Right now, here with you, I feel closer to God than I ever have. Come on, we have to go.
Jason: Yeah. I gotta get ready for training.
Sarah: No, forget trainin'. We have to go tell Steve.
Jason: What?
Sarah: Vow of honesty, Jason. Just 'cause I broke my vows to my husband doesn't mean I'm ready to throw all my beliefs out the window.
Jason: Hold on a sec. We just can't walk in there and tell him.
Sarah: No, we have to. Somehow, someday, God will forgive us. It's the only way we can have a future together.
Jason: Let's just think about this for a second. A: Steve has guns. Then there's the lockdown tomorrow night. And secondly, we're gonna be locked in this church with Steve and his guns all night.
Sarah: Oh my Lord, the lock-in. the morning ceremony. You're right. We have to put God's interests before our own.
Jason: That's right. God comes first.
Sarah: But I promise you, when I am standin' up there next to Steve, all I'm gonna be thinking about is you.
Jason: Yup. Yeah, me too.
Sarah: And the minute it's over, we'll tell him, right?
Jason: Absolutely. I can't wait.
Sarah: Me either.
Scene 6: Hotel Carmilla - Hoyt, Jessica, Eric, Stan, Isabel
Hoyt and Jessica are on the bed, kissing.
Hoyt: There's somethin' I have to tell you. I haven't... I ain't never told nobody before. Not even my best friend. Hell, especially not my best friend. I ain't never done it. With a girl, I mean.
Jessica: What have you done it with?
Hoyt: Just myself.
Jessica: So you're a virgin. Well big whoop. So am I.
Hoyt: You are?
Jessica: Well, just 'cause I'm a vampire, you think I'm a slut?
Hoyt: Of course not. I don't think you could ever be a slut. I don't think anybody is, really. Some people, they just want somebody to be with.
Jessica: Well, I totally would have been a slut if I could've gotten away with it. Me and my friend Laurie, we had this bet since eight grade over who'd lose it first. I mean, she was like pregnant before I even got my first kiss. Man, my dad was such a dickhead. So what's your excuse?
Hoyt: I was gonna wait, you know, till I met the right one. But the right one just never showed up, and by then I'd waited for so long, I figured I can't just give it away to anybody. So now I'm 28. And most girls probably think I'm like some kind of bisexual gay or somethin'. Not that I got any kind of problem with them. But I'm not.
Jessica: Well, I'm not most girls. I'm not even a girl, technically. But if you're okay with that, I'd be your first.
Hoyt: You would? Now?
Jessica: No, silly. No, not tonight. It's gonna be dawn. I get sick if I don't rest during the day.
Hoyt: It's no problem. That's great.
Jessica: But, we can cuddle if you like. Just don't freak out if I look a little... dead.
Eric, Stan and Isabel are in the corridor.
Stan: Maybe the little rats run off. Joined the Fellowship themselves.
Isabel: Careful. Hugo is mine.
Stan: Oh, please. If you cared about him so much, we'd have been in that church hours ago.
Isabel: With no plan, no exit strategy. That's why you'll never be sheriff Stan. You don't think.
Stan: And you're too chicken sh1t to act. That's why we been getting' Godric's coffee for the last 40 years. (To Eric) And you, Fellowship has your maker and your telepath, and still you do nothin'.
Eric: Are you questioning my loyalty Stan?
Stan: Just trying to return Godric to his rightful position.
Eric: Really? 'Cause I think maybe you have another agenda. Maybe you think starting a war with the Fellowship will distract us from the truth... that you're so starved for power, you murdered Godric for his title.
Stan: That is a lie. How dare you accuse me?
Isabel: Eric. We don't know this. There's no proof.
Eric: Not yet. But I will find it. And when I do, there will be no mercy. In the meantime, you two can stand here and quibble over his position, or run into that church and kill them all. I no longer care. If Godric is gone, nothing will bring back what I have lost.
Scene 7: Sookie's house - Tara, Eggs
Tara and Eggs are sleeping on the couch. Tara wakes up.
Tara: Eggs, wake up.
Eggs: Hey, gorgeous.
Tara: What are we doing on the couch? How'd we get here?
Eggs: I have no idea.
Tara: Last thing I remember was followin' those Reese's Pieces clothes into the woods. I don't even remember coming back here.
Eggs: Me neither. I guess that joint must have knocked us out cold.
Tara: That's never happened to me before, at least not from smokin' one joint.
Eggs: t's happened to me a couple times. Maryann's weed is some serious sh1t.
Tara: Yesterday, that weird place you took me to with the blood, you couldn't...
Eggs: I got no idea what that is, but I'm pretty sure it's got nothin' to do with us gettin' high and passin' out, ok?
Tara: Maybe we been smokin' too much. Maybe we need to sober up.
Eggs: Hey. That's okay. I'm high enough just bein' with you. Listen. Just because you got a little too stoned, that don't make you your mama.
Tara: You're right. Sometimes it's like you're Sookie. Like you can read my mind or somethin'.
Eggs: I just get you, that's all.
Scene 8: Merlotte's - Sam
Sam arrives at Merlotte's. He enters in his office and takes a gun.
Scene 9: Fellowship - Sookie, Hugo, Steve, Gabe
Steve: Mornin'. Refreshments? How did y'all sleep?
Sookie: They're coming for us, you know?
Steve: Yeah, well, that's what I thought. Figured a pretty girl like you'd have a vamp running off to her rescue. Actually, we were kinda hopin' for it, weren't we Gabe?
Gabe: Yes, sir. Bring it on.
Steve: Yeah, we're ready for him. We've been ready for a long time.
Sookie: You're gonna get yourself killed. That's not a threat, it's a fact.
Steve: They've got you all twisted up, haven't they, with their... with their glamoring and their empty promises and their evil blood.
Sookie: You're the ones who are twisted. You call yourself Christians? Jesus would be ashamed of you.
Steve: Oh, I guess we're just gonna have to agree to disagree on that one. Now, things got a little out of hand last night, and I apologize for that. I'm not the monster that the vampire-lovin' media makes me out to be.
Sookie: Yeah, right.
Steve: All I want from you is a couple of answers, and then I'll be more than happy to feed you a nice hot breakfast and send you on your way.
Hugo: What do you want to know?
Sookie: Shut up.
Hugo: Sookie, we need to get out of here. Just tell them what they want to know. Her name is Sookie Stackhouse, and I'm Hugo Ayers.
Sookie: Hugo, no.
Hugo: We were sent here by the vampires of Area Nine to find their sheriff.
Steve: Sookie Stackhouse. From Bon Temps?
Sookie: How do you know where I'm from?
Steve: You're Jason Stackhouse's... sister. Am I right?
Sookie: You know Jason? He's got nothin' to do with this.
Steve: Come on, Gabe.
Sookie: How do you know my brother?
Steve and Gabe leave.
Sookie: Nice work.
Hugo: We sat down here all night waiting for your boyfriend to show up. You can go on and ply damsel in distress all you want, but one way or another, I'm getting' us out of here.
Sookie: Hugo, do me a favor, please. Just shut the f*ck up.
Sookie (in her head): Barry. Barry, can you hear me? You've got to help me. I need you to go to the hotel and find Bill Compton and tell him I'm at the Fellowship of the Sun Church in the basement. The sheriff is here somewhere and I'm in big trouble. Please, don't ignore me. This is a life or death situation. Please.
Scene 10: Hotel Carmilla, Bill's room - Bill, Lorena
Bill: We need to rest.
Lorena: So the minute I shut my eyes, you can run into the sunlight and destroy yourself to save her? Care about you too much to allow that.
Bill: I may love her, but I am not suicidal.
Lorena: I know better than anyone what you are capable of.
Bill: Lorena, this is foolish. We are getting weaker. The bleeds have begun. You may be able to keep me here awake for a day, maybe two, but not forever.
Lorena: You're right. Forever is a long time. Then again, I'm very patient.
Lorena takes the phone.
Lorena: And who were you going to call?
Bill: If you will not let me go to her, at least let me find someone who will. I am begging you. Let me call and wake up Eric Northman. He is the reason that Sookie's in danger.
Lorena: He is also the reason I'm here. He wants the girl, William. Just let him have her.
Scene 11: FotS - Jason, a man, Steve, Gabe
Jason is walking, carrying his suitcases.
Jason: f*ck, f*ck, f*ck.
Man running: Hey, Stackhouse.
Jason: How's it goin'? Lookin' good?
Steve is in his car, driving through Jason.
Steve: Hey, where you off to, Jason?
Jason: Oh, just takin' a walk.
Steve: With your suitcase?
Jason: Yeah.
Steve stops the car. Gabe come down.
Gabe: Get in the car, Stackhouse. Get in the f*cking car.
Jason: Okay, okay.
Gabe: Now. Go.
Scene 12: Police station - Andy, Bud
Andy: With a bull mask and these giant claws.
Bud: Claws?
Andy: And the whole town had these big black-saucer eyes like zombies.
Scene 13: Sookie's house - Tara, Eggs, Maryann
Tara and Eggs are watching the TV when someone enters; it's Maryann.
Maryann: Good morning.
Tara: Maryann, you okay?
Maryann: Oh, I am fantastic. I slept outside last night and I communed with my animal nature.
Eggs: No sh1t.
Maryann: This little fella hopped by, and I thought, "Yummy. Rabbit stew."
Tara: Poor bunny.
Maryann: Feeling sorry for things is just an excuse not to celebrate your own happiness. Speaking of... you two look positively glowy. What did you do last night?
Tara: We just crashed out, I guess. Did you throw a party here while we were gone? 'Cause when we got home, the place looked like a frat house.
Maryann: I had a few people over for drinks. That a problem?
Tara: It's Sookie's house, and she can come home anytime.
Maryann: And when she does, I'm sure she'll be grateful that you fixed that nasty old water heater and you took care of the place. You're such a good friend. Carl.
Maryann leaves.
Tara: She is so f*ckin' weird.
Eggs: I know. Isn't it great?
[SCENE_BREAK]
Scene 14: FotS - Jason, Gabe, Steve
Steve: You know what burns me the most, is that I brought you into my home. I treated you like family.
Jason: I know, and I'm so sorry. It's just that, uh, I'm weak.
Steve: Yes, you are. I gave you a chance at salvation, a chance to live in His holy light, and you chose them?
Jason: I know it was wrong. I... Wait. Who are "them"?
Steve: Oh, please, cut the act. I know who you are and who you're workin' for.
Jason: The road crew?
Steve: That's funny. Oh, boy, I didn't think that you were the sharpest tool in the shed. Good at takin' orders, but not too bright. But boy, was I wrong. You are snakier than a snake in the grass.
Jason: Steve. Buddy. You're making a mistake, okay. You're confusin' me with... with somebody else or somethin'.
Steve: Say a prayer. You are going to hell. And you are going there today.
Jason: Steve.
Steve: Take care of him.
Gabe: Yes, sir. Start walkin', vampire lover. Come on.
Scene 15: At the river - Daphne, Sam
Daphne is at the river. Sam arrives and points a gun on her.
Daphne: Hello Sam.
Sam: Been lookin' for you.
Daphne: Figured you would be. Now, what's that for?
Sam: Come any closer, you'll find out.
Daphne: You think I'm scared of dyin'?
Sam: I know you're scared of Maryann. Those scars on your back, that how she got you to be her whore?
Daphne: It ain't whorin' of you do it for love.
Sam: You can stop pretending you ever gave a sh1t about me.
Daphne: Honey, I ain't talkin' 'bout you. We had fun, but...
Sam: We had fun? I f*cking trusted you! I shared parts of myself I never shared with anyone. How can you do this to your own kind?
Daphne: Sam, I used to be scared and stupid, full of shame, just like you. She could've killed me. I deserved it. But she saw something in me, and she saved me. Gave me a whole new life. No fear, no limits, just love.
Sam: Killing people, cuttin' out their hearts, that ain't love.
Daphne: You know what you are next to Maryann? An ant. No, a flea. It's kinda perfect.
Sam: If I'm so f*cking insignificant, why is she going through all this trouble trying to get me?
Daphne: 'Cause you got away from her once. She can't control you. See those funny big black-eyes folks we were all runnin' around with actin' all crazy? That's Maryann's energy inside if them. She is drivin' them like tiny little remote control airplanes.
Sam: But that don't work on us 'cause we're shifters?
Daphne: All supernatural's, we got a natural resistance. And she can force our shifts and other stuff with other supes, but she can't get inside us. We gotta go to her on our own free will, and she just loves a challenge.
Sam: I'm not a challenge, I'm a person.
Daphne: Well, not exactly. I'm sweatin' like a pig. God. You want to get wet with me one last time, Sammy?
Daphne removes her dress and jump in the water.
Sam: What is she? What the f*ck is she?
Daphne: She's God, dumb-dumb.
Scene 16: FotS - Hugo, Sookie
Hugo: Hey! Hey, I need to use the bathroom. Hey! Come on, let me out of here!
Sookie (she gives him a bottle of water): Here. I'll turn my back.
Hugo: I don't need that. I need to get the gell out of here.
Sookie: Hugo, this is not helping. Just sit down. Try to relax.
Sookie touches Hugo's hand and sees a flash back.
Steve, Hugo and Sarah are in the church:
Steve: Praise his light. Open your hearts.
Hugo listens Sookie speaking with the vampires at the Hotel Carmilla:
Sookie: I'll infiltrate the Fellowship of the Sun.
Bill: Absolutely not.
Eric: Let her speak.
Hugo (on the phone): They're sending her in a spy tomorrow. I'll be with her.
Sookie removes her hand.
Sookie: You. You're the traitor.
Scene 17: At the river - Sam, Daphne
Sam: Maryann is not God.
Daphne: Well, she's as close to God as we'll ever get. People call her all kinds of things. Kali, Lilith, Isis, Gaia. But what she really is, is a maenad.
Sam: What the f*ck is that?
Daphne: According to the Greeks, maenads were handmaidens of Dionysus. But they're really a lot more than that.
Sam: Dionysus, the god of wine?
Daphne: Maybe if you own a bar I suppose it makes sense that you would know that one. But guess what else they called him? The Horned God. Sound familiar?
Sam: Satan?
Daphne: Dionysus, Satan. It's really just a kind of energy. Wild energy, like... lust, anger, excess, violence. Basically, all the fun stuff. Maryann brings it out in people. She channels it, controls it. She's immortal, Sam. She never wasn't here, so there ain't no point in fightin' her. You see, you'll never win.
Sam: I'm not gonna let her kill me.
Daphne: Bein' a part of something divine is worth dying a thousand times. You'll see.
Sam: If I give myself up, will she go away, leave everyone alone?
Daphne: I wouldn't bet on that. She's havin' too much fun, and this town's full of crazies ripe for the pickin'. She's like a pyro in a room full of matches. Just go to her, Sam. Play nice. She might even let you live.
Sam: Stay the f*ck away from me.
Sam leaves.
Scene 18: FotS - Hugo, Sookie, Sarah, Steve, Jason, Gabe
In the basement: Sookie and Hugo
Hugo: I used to be just like you. Thought I was a real emancipated thinker, especially when Isabel took me to bed, and the s*x was... amazing. The best I ev... well, you know. It's addictive, isn't it? To be desired by something that powerful.
Sookie: I'm no addict.
Hugo: Nah. I guess you wouldn't know how your life changes to suit them. You start missin' work, can't get up in the morning, can't stand to leave them after dark. Before you know it, you're somebody you don't even recognize.
Sookie: So you went to the Fellowship because you can't control yourself?
Hugo: I begged her to turn me. It was the only way we could be together as equals. But see, they don't want us to be equals. No, she's just been using me. The same way that Bill's been using you.
Sookie: You don't know Bill.
Hugo: I know he and his friends are having you do their dirty work. I mean, a telepath's gotta be a real trophy for a vampire.
Sookie: Shut up.
Hugo: All they care about is their own kind. That's why I joined the Fellowship.
Sookie: So if the Newlins care so much about you, how come you're still in here? Face it, Hugo. You're nothin' but a fangbangin' traitor to them.
Hugo: Gabe. Gabe, she knows everything. You can let me out now. Hey. Anybody. Come on, let me out!
Sookie: Yep. You're so all-fired important to them, aren't ya?
Outside the church, Sarah welcomes the people
Sarah: Welcome. So glad you're here. Praise His light. Cute pajamas. Simon, Julia. This is your first lock-in, right? I'm excited too. Amen.
Steve arrives.
Steve: hey, darlin'. Looking good.
Sarah: You too. Well, I told you that suit was a winner.
Steve: I need to talk to you in private. It's about Jason Stackhouse.
Sarah: Of course.
In the woods, Jason and Gabe
Jason: I'm a good soldier for Christ, and I'm tellin' you, man, there's been some kind of mistake.
Gabe: You're damn right there's been a mistake, boy. And it started the minute your mama spread her legs and pushed out you and your whore of a sister.
Jason: Don't ever... talk about my sister.
Gabe: That the best you can do, sister fucker?
They fight.
Jason: That's the best I can do, dick brain.
Jason runs away.
Scene 19: Merlotte's - Lafayette, a girl, Tara, Eggs, Arlene, Andy, Sam
Lafayette is in the bathroom.
Lafayette (on the phone): Forget what I said last week. Live in the now, baby doll.
Girl on the phone: I don't know.
Lafayette: 'Cause I'm back and I'm packin' somethin' wild.
Girl: I got out of rehab.
Lafayette: So yes or no, sweetness? 'Cause this sh1t is goin' faster than fritters at a fat farm.
Girl: I can do half a vial.
Lafayette: Well, okay.
Tara and Eggs are kissing over the bar. Arlene arrives.
Arlene: Eggs, Tara, y'all seen Sam?
Tara: He ain't here. Blew off the whole day with little Miss Employee of the Month.
Arlene: Thank you, Jesus, Santa Claus and Hare Krishna. I need to borrow her a minute.
Tara (to Eggs): Wait for me.
Eggs: Okay.
Tara and Arlene come in the bathroom. Lafayette is in there.
Arlene: Excuse you. It says "ladies" on that door.
Lafayette: So what you skank ho's doin' in here?
Tara: Watch yourself, bitch.
Lafayette: I am. And I's is gorgeous.
Tara: How's your leg?
Lafayette: Great. What? I got a powerful immune system.
Tara: You got a powerful death wish is what you got. And we're gonna talk about this later.
He leaves.
Arlene: Oh, Tara. Oh God, I think I might have done somethin' bad, somethin' real bad.
Tara: Comin' out of your mouth, that's scary.
Arlene: So Terry and I, we've been, you know...
Tara: f*ckin'.
Arlene: No. Well, Lord knows I've been pullin' out all the stops. My hot oils, my nasty lingerie, but you know every time we get cosier than first base, he goes runnin' like somebody lit a fire in his whiteys.
Tara: Okay, cut to the real bad part.
Arlene: So last night, I thought I'd try getting', a few drinks in him, loosen him up and, seemed like it was workin' pretty good. Till I blacked out.
Tara: You blacked out?
Arlene: Hadn't happened to me since junior prom. The thing is... I think I might have had my way... with him a little bit, kinda against his will, maybe?
Tara: Are you telling me you date-raped Terry Bellefleur? How's that even possible?
Arlene: God, I don't know. But he was just... he was acting so weird when we woke up. I mean, weirder than usual. And... there were certain telltale signs that we'd... you know?
Tara: And you don't remember anything?
Arlene: No.
At the bar, Lafayette and Eggs.
Lafayette: Now, see, that just ain't motherfucking fair.
Eggs: Excuse me?
Lafayette: The first time in my goddamn life I ain't chasin' after trouble... and it just keep walkin' in my f*ckin' door. Look at you. Damn. Ain't nothin' good can come out of somethin' so pretty.
Eggs: You must be Lafayette. I'm Eggs.
Lafayette: Tara's Eggs?
Tara (arriving): You know that just don't sound right. Your name's Benedict. Why don't people call you Ben?
Lafayette: Or Dict.
Tara: Behave.
Lafayette: Satan in a Sunday hat, girl. I'm trying to tell you, Satan in a beautiful f*ckin' Sunday hat.
Andy arrives, drunk.
Andy: Terry. Terry Bellefleur. Get out here. I'm gonna kick your ass so hard, you'll be shittin' boots.
Tara: Andy, what happened to your arm?
Andy: I ain't talkin' to you, devil worshiper. I saw you last night. I saw all of you.
Tara: You...? You saw us what?
Andy: Go ahead, deny it. Laugh at the crazy drunk guy, but I know what I saw. Terry.
Arlene: He ain't here, Andy. You want me to go call him?
Andy: f*ck you, zombie woman. f*ck all y'all devil zombies. Turnin' this town into a orgy from hell. I'll stop ya. I will stop ya if it's the last thing I ever do.
He leaves. Sam is walking in the bar.
Arlene: Oh my God. Did you smell him?
Eggs: At least it never gets boring around here. Pick you up later? Hey Sam.
Eggs leaves.
Arlene: Sam. You look like you just saw a ghost.
Scene 20: Hotel Carmilla - Hoyt, Jessica
Hoyt: Hey. I was just... decoratin'. I got these at the gift store downstairs. Blood scented. But to me, they just smelled like soup. You like 'em?
Jessica: They're perfect.
Hoyt: That's what I was goin' for. 'Cause you're perfect, and I want your first tome to be as perfect as you are.
Jessica: Hoyt. Just, take off your pants.
Hoyt: Okay.
Scene 21: FotS - Jason, Sarah
Jason runs in the woods. A car arrives through him.
Jason: f*ck. sh1t!
Sarah: Jason!
Jason: Sarah?
The car stops. Sarah comes down.
Jason: Thank God it's you. Been runnin' for hours. Steve and Gabe, they've gone crazy. They tried to kill me. Oh Sarah. No.
She shots him. Jason falls down.
Scene 22: At the river - Daphne, Maryann, Eggs
Daphne is at the river. Maryann arrives.
Daphne: Finally. I've missed you.
Maryann: Thank you for your service.
Eggs arrives, he has black eyes. He kills her with a dagger.
Scene 23: FotS - Sookie, Hugo, Gabe
In the basement, Gabe comes in.
Hugo: Gabe. What happened to your face? Listen, she knows everything, which never would have happened if you hadn't kept me locked down with a goddamn mind reader. I hope the reverend knows that I'm gonna need protection now.
Gabe punches Hugo.
Gabe: You want protection, you fangbangin' sack of sh1t? How's that for protection, huh? Here's a little more protection dor ya.
Sookie: Stop it!
Gabe: You and your moron brother think you can make an asshole out of me? That's what you think, huh?
Sookie: Get your filthy hands off me!
Gabe: What's wrong? Your own kind not good enough for you? How about if I show you what you've been missin'?
Scene 24: Hotel Carmilla - Bill, Lorena, Barry, Eric
Bill feels Sookie is in danger.
Lorena: ... and a decade or so in Miami. The beaches are gorgeous at night, and the German tourists are delicious. Open that door and I will end you.
Flash back:
Lorena: I've given you everything. Everything! And you threw it away moanin' over what you've lost. You disgust me.
Bill: Then let me go.
Lorena: No. I made you, and you are mine.
Bill: You know I don't love you.
Lorena: You have never tried.
Bill: I have spent decades tryin'! I despise myself for what I did for you. God help me, I killed innocent people to prove to you that I loved you. But it was pure nihilism. I do not, I cannot, I will never love you.
Lorena: Men have readily laid down their lives to spend just one night with me. What more can I give? Then what is it that you want from me?
Bill: Choice. Let me go.
Lorena: Without me, you would me alone... forever.
Bill: You're the one that's afraid of that. You are the saddest, loneliest creature I have ever know.
Lorena: How dare you! You hate me that much?
Bill: Let me go.
Lorena: I cannot live without you.
Bill: You'll have to.
Lorena: No, don't. As your maker... I release you. End flash back.
Bill: You released me. There was nothing left between us. What could you possibly have to gain from this?
Lorena: You're making a fool of yourself with that girl. You have no future with her. Everyone knows it but you. Someday, you'll see this for what it is, an act of love.
Someone knocks at the door.
Lorena: Yes?
Barry: I have a message for Bill Compton. He there?
Lorena: I'm sorry, he's tied up right now. I'll be happy to pass it along.
Barry: Tell him Sookie Stackhouse is in the basement of the Fellowship of the Sun Church. She said the sheriff's there and she's in some kind of trouble.
Eric listens and leaves his room.
Barry (in his head): Sookie you hear me? This is the last tome I'm doin' you and your vampire buddies a favor, so don't even...
Someone gets him in the room.
Scene 25: FotS - Sookie, Hugo, Gabe, Godric
Gabe: Yeah, show me how you scream for that big fat vampire cock. Scream for me, baby.
Someone take Gabe and pushes him away from Sookie.
Sookie: Godric? | Plan: A: the pig; Q: Who does Andy chase through the woods? A: the woods; Q: Where does Jason flee the L.O.D.I. through? A: the trance; Q: What does Andy break when he fires his pistol at Maryann? A: Sam; Q: Who is the only one who knows that Terry is lying about the orgy? A: the opportunity; Q: What does Andy's pistol give Sam to escape? A: his arm; Q: What part of Andy is broken by Terry? A: Terry; Q: Who breaks Andy's arm? A: Maryann's influence; Q: What is Terry under? A: Sookie; Q: Who reaches out to Barry telepathically? A: their mission; Q: What does Sookie realize someone must have tipped off the Fellowship about? A: Sookie's rescue; Q: What does Lorena refuse to let Bill go to? A: Flashbacks show; Q: How does Bill show his desire to be released from Lorena? A: innocents; Q: Who does Bill get tired of killing? A: Eric; Q: Who accuses Stan of murdering Godric? A: their mortality; Q: What does Isabel say makes being with a human exciting? A: science experiment; Q: What does Isabel think of Hugo's aging? A: Hugo age; Q: What is Isabel trying to see happen to Hugo? A: coveting Sookie; Q: What does Isabel accuse Eric of? A: Jason convinces Sarah; Q: Who convinces Sarah not to tell her husband about their affair? A: Sarah; Q: Who shoots Jason as he flees the L.O.D.I? A: Jessica; Q: Who does Hoyt decide to be with for the first time? A: Stan; Q: Who confronts Eric about not dealing with the Fellowship more directly? A: Godric; Q: Who did Gabe get pulled off by? A: Sheriff; Q: What position does Eric claim he was trying to take over from Godric? A: The next morning; Q: When do Tara and Eggs wake up on Sookie's couch? A: Tara; Q: Who is suspicious of Maryann after Arlene admits to blacking out? A: Eggs; Q: Who does Maryann make kill Daphne? A: Steve; Q: Who tells Gabe to take care of Jason? A: a claustrophobic Hugo; Q: Who reveals that Sookie's last name is Stackhouse? A: a vampire sympathizer; Q: What does Steve think Jason is? A: Maenad; Q: What is Maryann's name? A: ancient Greece; Q: Where did Maryann come from? A: a follower; Q: What is Maryann's relationship to Dionysus? A: Dionysus; Q: Who is the Greek god of wine and revelry? A: immense power; Q: What does Daphne think Maryann has? A: Satan; Q: What other demon does Daphne compare Maryann to? A: Church goers; Q: Who arrives at the Light of Day church for a "lock in"? A: Bon Temps; Q: What town did Terry say was turned into an "orgy from hell"? A: their love; Q: What do Hoyt and Jessica consummate at the hotel? A: an unknown weapon; Q: How does Sarah shoot Jason? A: the stream; Q: Where does Maryann thank Daphne for her services? A: her message; Q: What does Barry bring to Sookie? A: Eric overhears; Q: Who overhears the conversation between Sookie and Barry? A: Gabe bursts; Q: Who tries to rape Sookie but is stopped by Godric? Summary: Still drunk, Andy chases the pig through the woods and stumbles upon Maryann's orgy. He fires his pistol partially breaking the trance Maryann has induced and giving Sam the opportunity to escape. Andy breaks up the orgy, but his arm is broken by Terry, who is still under Maryann's influence. In the basement of the L.O.D.I., Sookie realizes someone must have tipped off the Fellowship about their mission. While at the hotel, Lorena will still not allow Bill to go to Sookie's rescue. Flashbacks show Bill tired of killing innocents, and he asks to be released from Lorena. She reluctantly complies after he threatens to stake himself. Outside the church, Eric asks Isabel what she likes about being with a human. She says it is because their mortality makes everything exciting, but that it is also a sort of science experiment to see Hugo age. Isabel accuses Eric of coveting Sookie, which he denies. Jason convinces Sarah not to tell her husband about their affair, and she agrees to wait. Hoyt and Jessica decide to be each other's first time. Stan confronts Eric about not dealing with the Fellowship more directly, and Eric accuses him of murdering Godric to claim his place as Sheriff. The next morning, Tara and Eggs wake up on Sookie's couch and neither can remember how they got there. As Steve and Gabe interrogate Sookie, a claustrophobic Hugo desperately reveals that her last name is Stackhouse. Deciding that Jason must be a vampire sympathizer, Steve tells Gabe to take care of it, but Jason manages to overpower him. Later, Sookie reads a weakened Hugo's mind and discovers he is the traitor. Sam confronts Daphne and she explains to him that Maryann is a Maenad , an immortal creature from ancient Greece that is a follower of Dionysus , the Greek god of wine and revelry. They have immense power, and Daphne likens her to both God and Satan. Church goers arrive at the Light of Day church for a "lock in." Arlene admits that she blacked out too, which causes Tara to become suspicious of Maryann. Andy tries to confront Terry at Merlotte's, raving about "devil-worshipers" and "devil-zombies" who turned Bon Temps into an "orgy from hell", but Sam is the only one who knows he is telling the truth. At the hotel, Hoyt and Jessica consummate their love. As Jason is fleeing the L.O.D.I. through the woods, Sarah shows up and shoots him with an unknown weapon. At the stream, Maryann thanks Daphne for her services, then makes Eggs kill her. Sookie reaches out to Barry telepathically, and he shows up at the hotel with her message. Eric overhears and races for the church. Gabe bursts into the basement, beats up Hugo and attempts to rape Sookie, but at the last second he is pulled off by none other than Godric. |
The Dominators By Norman Ashby
5:15pm - 5:40pm
[SCENE_BREAK]
1, MODEL SHOT: SPACE
(A fleet of glowing dots fly across space in an arrowhead formation. The dots can be seen more clearly closer up - they are a space armada comprised of stubby little saucer-shaped craft with blinking lights. One of them breaks the formation and heads off towards a nearby world, the others ignoring the deviant.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
2, MODEL SHOT: ISLAND
(The topmost craggy peaks of an island can just be made out, wreathed in poisonous smoke. A glowing saucer moves above the sandy surface of the island and descends. No longer glowing, the saucer makes a final descent. Little landing stanchions pop out and the saucer blows dust away from its underside.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
3, EXT: SAUCER
(The underside of the saucer stretches around a pillar-like tubular base like a high ceiling. At the front of the tube, the flat metal face of an outer-door airlock slides open like a pair of lift doors; they reveal a silicon-black inner airlock inlaid with a network of filigree gold patterns like the spidery network of connections on a circuit board. Within the airlock, an inner door rises into the ceiling with a hum revealing a dark space within. A man with short raven-black hair steps boldly out onto the new world as if he owned it, his eyes emotionlessly glaring around at the barren island. The space-conqueror is dressed in a strange kind of space armour, a kind of modern chainmail comprised of fluttering flakes of dark plastic-like material. A large, ridged torso-plate with high rounded shoulders forms an arc at head-height giving him the appearance of a upright, humanoid tortoise devoid of all neck. Another, dressed identically, joins the first and for a moment they stand in silence like two cosmic hunchbacks as they take in their surroundings.)
RAGO: Is the local radiation completely absorbed?
TOBA: Yes, its energy's been transferred to our fuel reserves, but we need much more.
RAGO: Of course, that is why we are here.
TOBA: With respect Navigator Rago, I still consider we should have continued on to Epsilon-Four.
RAGO: I decided otherwise Probationer Toba.
TOBA: But this planet has never been fully surveyed.
RAGO: It is suitable for our purpose. The planetary crust is thin here, and there is a intelligent form of life suitable for a work force.
TOBA: But the natives may not be suitable for slave labour. Suppose they're hostile?
RAGO: If necessary we shall destroy them.
(Toba smiles.)
TOBA: Yes, destroy them!
RAGO: But only if necessary! Commence work on the preliminary survey.
TOBA: Command accepted. Shall I order the Quarks to mark out the drilling sites?
RAGO: Yes.
(Toba turns back towards the open doorway.)
TOBA: Quarks!
(There is a bleeping from within the saucer.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
7, MODEL SHOT: ISLAND
(The island can be seen from afar, in a sea of swirling mist. To one side an odd hovercraft resembling a lemon-squeezer traverses the sea of mist.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
8, INT: HOVERCRAFT
(Inside the craft sophisticated control banks and monitors line the walls. Three men in strange dresses that appear to be made from curtains, and a young dull-looking girl in a swimming costume with a wispy translucent skirt gaze hopefully at the monitor screens, all looking reasonably bored. While two of the men seem to be well toned and in their late twenties with square jaws, the third is in his mid thirties, is rather round and balding with a curious gleam of mischief in his eyes that seems to be lacking from the others.)
WAHED: I'm not so sure that this so-called "adventure" was such a good idea after all. I mean, this is a terribly primitive way to travel isn't it?
ETNIN: Well, we are supposed to be looking for excitement aren't we?
TOLATA: That's why I came.
WAHED: I really don't see what's so exciting about sitting for hours on end in this old tub! If we'd used a travel capsule we could have been here in a few minutes.
CULLY: Not without a permit you wouldn't.
WAHED: I suppose that does add a little zest.
CULLY: Well, here we are everyone, the island of death! Uninhabited for one hundred and seventy years, nothing can live on this poisonous plot of soil!
WAHED: You're being melodramatic again Cully - as usual. You know perfectly well that there's a permanent survey unit there to monitor the radiation.
ETNIN: And there's a weekly visit there by parties of students to show them the horror of atomic radiation.
CULLY: Alright, alright, I know; but all this is organised and supervised by the state. You've travelled miles by sea in a ship navigated by man, none of your auto-piloting. And don't forget we're here without permits, all of this is illegal.
ETNIN: Yes, I'd almost forgotten that.
CULLY: An adventure with Cully is something never to be forgotten.
(Tolata looks at Cully with demure amusement.)
WAHED: It doesn't look any different to me from the way I've seen it in vision-books on my own screen at home.
CULLY: Ah, but this time it's real.
WAHED: Is it?
CULLY: Well yes of course it is. You're actually here.
WAHED: Are we?
CULLY: You don't believe me.
WAHED: Well you could just be throwing up old pictures on your scanner, couldn't you? After all, there's nothing to show that it is real.
CULLY: Well you can't go out and see.
WAHED: Why not?
TOLATA: Yes, why not?
CULLY: Look, I'm all for a bit of danger, but going out on that island without protective suits would be madness!
WAHED: So we just have to take your word for it Cully?
CULLY: Yes you do.
TOLATA: Didn't you mention something about a warning signal?
CULLY: Yes, when we're in the radiation zone, why?
TOLATA: Well aren't we a bit close?
(They all stare at the image of the rocky coastline on the screen that suddenly looms towards them out of the soupy mist.)
ETNIN: Do something Cully!
WAHED: We're going to crash!
[SCENE_BREAK]
4, MODEL SHOT: ISLAND
(The hovercraft zooms towards the poisoned island and smashes into a sandy shore.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
5, INT: HOVERCRAFT
TOLATA: Quickly Cully!
(She screams as they are thrown about the craft by the impact.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
6, MODEL SHOT: ISLAND
(The lemon-squeezer hovercraft has banked itself on the shores of the island.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
7, INT: HOVERCRAFT
(Cully desperately swishes his hands over the controls, but only succeeds in creating a hideous grinding sound from the motive units.)
CULLY: We're stuck.
WAHED: Mm?
TOLATA: Oh no!
WAHED: Do you mean permanently?
CULLY: Yes, we've run aground. The drive is well and truly waist-in solid.
WAHED: Well how are we supposed to get back to the mainland?
CULLY: Look don't ask me!
ETNIN: This really is an adventure isn't it?
WAHED: Are you sure this isn't one of your practical jokes Cully?
CULLY: Now look, running aground on an atomic island isn't my idea of fun!
WAHED: Yes, but is that where we really are?
(He moves to the control panel and picks up a pen-like object. He runs it over a nearby panel.)
WAHED: Well the radiation meter's registering zero.
(Cully looks at the screen of the radiation meter which is registering nothing.)
CULLY: Yes, odd. Well they...they-they've probably broken down.
WAHED: Let's try again shall we?
(He repeats the process at the panel.)
WAHED: Clear the computer. Now!
(The screen still registers nothing.)
CULLY: Zero? But it can't be!
WAHED: So much for your navigation Cully!
(He looks at Cully with scorn.)
WAHED: Island of death!
(He swipes another control and a section of the floor descends into a ramp, a door sliding open in the far wall. Wahed and Etnin disembark and Cully stands at the doorway.)
CULLY: Alright, go out there. Get yourselves cooked to a frazzle by the radiation, but don't come complaining to me if you get yourselves killed because I don't refund money to...Refund? What am I saying, they haven't even paid me yet, hey wait!
(He skips through the doorway and Tolata follows him.)
CULLY: Oh Tolata, don't be a little fool, this island is a killer!
TOLATA: So you say, but your radiation counter didn't seem to be making too much of a fuss about it.
CULLY: Yes I-I know...but, well; it must have gone bust.
WAHED: And all the others in this tub of yours as well?
TOLATA: Why don't you admit it Cully, you're a rogue! This isn't the test island is it?
CULLY: But I tell you it is!
ETNIN: Wahed! Over the hill, people.
WAHED: People? Well that settles it rather doesn't it Cully. No-one ever visits the island of death!
CULLY: There's the survey unit, or they could be students. Were they wearing protective suits?
ETNIN: No, but they had a new type of robot.
WAHED: A work party most probably. Come on Etnin, let's go and seek their assistance in getting us off this dreary island which Cully has so carelessly marooned us on.
CULLY: No wait, Wahed stop!
[SCENE_BREAK]
8, EXT: SAUCER
(From the Quark's point of view the world exists through the hexagon-shaped border of a camera-eye. Toba looks down at it.)
TOBA: Quarks! You will set up the drilling site in accordance with the instructions of Domin...
(He notices three people in the distance running down a sandy dune towards him. Far behind them Cully watches in horror.)
CULLY: Wait, stop!
(Toba turns back to the Quarks.)
TOBA: Quarks, destroy them!
(From the Quark's point of view again as its power builds. From his far off point Cully can do nothing to stop the others.)
CULLY: Oh get down quickly! They're going to... Get down!
(He throws himself to the sand From the Quark's view again as, giggling with energy, it discharges a blast from its kinetic-force projection weapon straight into the middle of the defenceless Newtons-cradle of Dulcians. At the front of the trio Tolata bears the full brunt of the killing wave, her face steaming and melting away as if it were made of wax. They are all knocked flat as swiftly as a group of skittles on a railway track. Toba looks delighted with his handiwork.)
TOBA: Quarks, reload force units.
(From its point of view the Quark obediently sparkles and chitters it at him in its electronic language.)
RAGO: Trouble?
TOBA: I have dealt with it. Three alien beings of the planet.
RAGO: Dead?
TOBA: Of course.
RAGO: That was unnecessary!
[SCENE_BREAK]
9, EXT: EASTERN ROCKFACE
(Cully walks by oblivious to something which is happening behind him. The soft whisper of a drawn out sigh falls through the air resolving itself into a regular juddering, which in turn becomes a tortured-trumpeting as a square shape firmly ices itself into existence like a large blue birthday cake. The doors of the cake open inwards as a small chuckling man in a black frock-coat exits, followed by a youth in a kilt and a girl is a pale futuristic outfit.)
DOCTOR: Oh yes, o-hoh yes! Ah...oh!
(He yawns.)
DOCTOR: Ah.
JAMIE: Are you still feeling tired Doctor?
DOCTOR: Yes, just a little bit weary Jamie. It's a very exhausting business projecting all those mental images you know.
ZOE: You need a good rest Doctor.
DOCTOR: Yes, we all do. A nice holiday! Mm.
JAMIE: Oh, where did you say this place was again?
ZOE: Well the scanner screen in the TARDIS showed it as an island of some sort surrounded by a sea of mist.
JAMIE: Aye.
DOCTOR: Yes, it's an island on Dulkis, a perfectly splendid planet!
(He claps delightedly to himself for his good navigating, but Jamie knows better and whispers cynically to Zoe.)
JAMIE: Aye, I've heard that one before.
ZOE: And there won't be any Cybermen or Daleks will there?
(The Doctor chuckles some more.)
DOCTOR: No-no-no of course not. There's nothing unpleasant on Dulkis.
(He ducks into the TARDIS and returns with a long fishing net which he hands to Zoe.)
ZOE: Well is the whole island as dreary as this?
DOCTOR: Oh no, goodness me no, they're a very advanced race the Dulcians. And-and they're very gentle too - and friendly. You're going to like them.
(He vanishes inside again.)
JAMIE: Oh I see, you've been here before.
(The Doctor returns with a deflated beach ball which he hands to Jamie.)
DOCTOR: Oh yes Jamie, blow that up for me would you?
JAMIE: Eh?
DOCTOR: Yes...some time ago mind you, it was splendid! It was so peaceful I just didn't want to leave.
(He ducks back for a moment and returns with a metal folding chair which he opens and sits in.)
DOCTOR: Yes, that's what we all need, a nice peaceful holiday.
(Zoe glances at Jamie as he struggles to inflate the balloon. He merely shrugs at her in reply.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
10, EXT: CLIFFTOP
(Toba looks down at Cully's hovercraft which is marooned on the sandy bank far below. A short distance below, out of Toba's line of sight, Cully walks down the bank and stops dead as he sees the burly Dominator above.)
TOBA: Quarks! Destroy the alien vessel.
(From the Quarks point of view it zooms in on the craft. The creature begins to eagerly whoop faster and faster as it builds power, then with a burst of metallic giggling projects its invisible malice at the defenceless hovercraft, crushing it like a empty drink can in a single deadly stroke. The fuel tanks erupt in a massive fireball and when the smoke clears there is nothing but a flaming sheet of pancake-thin metal. Cully is thrown to the ground by the explosion where he stays. High above, the Quark chatters and chitters to itself in afterglow as it recovers from its task.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
11, EXT: RUINED HOUSE
(In a clearing is a large futuristic house, or what remains of one. The rear section of the building seems intact, but the front has collapsed into a melee of girders and hexagonal-shaped bricks. A sliver internal door leads into the standing portion of the structure.)
JAMIE: I thought you said it was a peaceful planet?
ZOE: Well which direction did it come from? It sounded as though it was almost on top of us.
JAMIE: Hey, now would you look at that!
ZOE: Did you say these people were peaceful Doctor?
DOCTOR: Well yes Zoe they... But-but Dulki..Duclians are-are gentle...and-and friendly!
JAMIE: Aye, sounded like it! Did the explosion cause this?
DOCTOR: Oh no-no-no, this was caused by an explosion some time ago, Jamie.
ZOE: Looks like atomic blast damage to me.
DOCTOR: Yes, I-I think you're right Zoe...but I don't understand it! Let's look inside shall we?
(He helps Zoe over a pile of rubble and girders.)
DOCTOR: Mind... Over here.
(The metal door creaks ominously as they enter the gloomy building.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
12, INT: MUSEUM
JAMIE: Hey, what sort of place is this?
ZOE: Looks like a kind of museum.
DOCTOR: Yes, you're right Zoe... A war museum!
(All around the hexagonal-brick walled room are Tables and cases filled with an assortment of nasty looking gadgets, the function of most lost in extremely unpleasant supposition. There are also a few more conventional looking guns lining the walls.)
JAMIE: Peaceful you said?
DOCTOR: Oh yes, but these are very old fashioned weapons, Jamie. They..this was banned ages ago.
(Jamie picks a slim atomic-laser from a stand on a nearby table.)
JAMIE: Hey how you work this sort of thing..?
DOCTOR: No, Jamie no! p-put that down!
(As Jamie idly toys with the weapon the Doctor snatches it from him before he accidentally shoots someone.)
JAMIE: What's the matter? W-what?
DOCTOR: Well it's a sort of laser gun. You know what that'll do, it'll burn a hole through anything. Metal, concrete, wood, anything! It-it may look old, but you never know it-it just might go off. Now please, just leave things as they were! Where was it? Oh...
(The Doctor replaces the gun on the stand. Zoe notices a hatch in the floor.)
ZOE: I wonder what's down here?
(Jamie continues to study the weapon on the table.)
JAMIE: Oh is that the trigger there?
DOCTOR: Oh well that seems to be something...
(As Zoe looks up she notices something else.)
ZOE: Look!
JAMIE: Oh, what's the matter?
DOCTOR: What did you see?
JAMIE: What?
(The Doctor and Jamie rush over to Zoe and see a table a few paces away where something decidedly unpleasant awaits them. Two figures are sat at the table which appear to be the remaining husks of what used to be men; their ravaged features scarred and covered hideous burns, the few clumps hair that remain seared to their glassily staring faces.)
JAMIE: What's happened to them?
DOCTOR: Stay here Zoe. Come on Jamie.
(As Zoe waits, the Doctor And Jamie cautiously approach the table. Having seen enough the Doctor begins to relax and chuckles to himself.)
JAMIE: Oh what are you laughing at? ...Oh, they're just dummies!
(Jamie slaps one on the back. The putrid figure lolls forwards slithering onto the charred remains its face like a floppy pus-filled sack of skin.)
JAMIE: What did they put them in here for?
DOCTOR: They're dummies!
ZOE: Dummies?
(A thought suddenly strikes the Doctor and his grin vanishes.)
ZOE: Did you check...
DOCTOR: Uh?
ZOE: Did you check the radiation levels before we left the TARDIS?
DOCTOR: That's just what I was thinking Zoe, I... I think I did, I... Yes I'm sure I did!
JAMIE: Hey, what are you two on about?
ZOE: Well I was just thinking. This place reminds me of the old atom-test islands on Earth.
DOCTOR: Yes, yes I think you're right Zoe.
JAMIE: Test islands?
ZOE: For atomic weapons Jamie.
DOCTOR: But-but-but, why on Dulkis? They've outlawed war! No there must be some other explanation...
JAMIE: Aye, well I vote we go back to the TARDIS and find somewhere else.
ZOE: Doctor!
(Before them stand three figures in bizarre radiation suits covered in small plastic discs that give them the appearance of just having struggled in from a blizzard of jam tarts. They stare blankly at the intruders from behind dark visors.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
13, MODEL SHOT: SURVEY UNIT
(From a high up position on the side of the island sits a strange metallic complex of smooth sloping walls like a curious steel ziggurat.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
14, INT: SURVEY UNIT
(Inside the survey unit modern consoles similar to the ones in the hovercraft monitor all process data about the environment and new arrivals. The striking difference from the hovercraft is that it is more spacious and there are tables and comfortable chairs and benches all around, with the odd leafy plant here and there to give the place a homely feel. One of the radiation-suited figures lifts the protective helmet off to reveal a cascade of golden hair and the face of a pretty young girl called Kando. The others follow suit to reveal a man Kando's age called Teel and the older, bearded figure of Educator Balan with the monotonous voice of a born lecturer. Once out of their suits they are revealed to be dressed in the native curtains or swimming-costume style.)
BALAN: Oh I hope we're not too late. If they were out there for any length of time... How badly are they affected?
(Kando tries to read the meter, but keeps getting a unhelpful bleep from the machine.)
KANDO: I don't know, Educator Balan.
BALAN: Oh come now Kando, I've taught you how to read a radiation meter. But this is registering negative - are you sure you've switched it on?
KANDO: Yes!
BALAN: How is yours Teel?
TEEL: Exactly the same sir, the sign says zero.
BALAN: It's very strange.
TEEL: Could it be that the meters aren't working sir?
BALAN: No, the warning lights would have gone on if the circuits had failed.
KANDO: Well we can't leave them in there indefinitely!
(There is a muffled thumping and a faint sound of irate protestation.)
BALAN: No, that is true. Teel, as they're not radioactive we may as well let them out.
(Balan sits to write a report and Teel presses a button on the wall. A doorway into the decontamination chamber slides open and the Doctor, Jamie and Zoe burst spluttering into the room amid clouds of decontaminant steam.)
DOCTOR: Oh-oh...oh my beautiful coat is all wet!
ZOE: Oh thank goodness for that!
JAMIE: Ridiculous!
DOCTOR: All this is totally unnecessary you know, there's not a trace of contamination on us!
BALAN: Yes, so I've noticed, it's odd isn't it?
DOCTOR: What's odd about it?
BALAN: Well the whole island is radioactive - it has been for a hundred and seventy-two years, you must know that.
ZOE: Well it isn't now.
KANDO: Of course it is.
DOCTOR: Have you checked?
TEEL: Well not yet, we've only just arrived. We'll be taking the annual readings during the next few days.
DOCTOR: Well if I were you I'd take them now. Oh!
BALAN: I, er... I wasn't aware that anyone else had permission to work on the island. So, tell me what has been happening.
DOCTOR: But...but I was hoping you were going to tell us that!
ZOE: This is an atom test island isn't it?
BALAN: Of course, everybody knows that.
JAMIE: Ah, well we don't.
DOCTOR: But atomic weapons on Dulkis? I thought war had been abolished here!
BALAN: It has, you seem to know surprisingly little about your own planet!
JAMIE: Ah well that's it you see, we've just come in the TAR-TAR...
(Jamie falls silent.)
DOCTOR: Well, as Jamie was about to say; we come from a different world, a different time...
BALAN: Not from this world? Really, that's very interesting, I must note that in my daily report.
ZOE: Well you don't sound very surprised.
BALAN: Well it does explain how you came to expose yourself to the dangers on this island. No Dulcian would do such a foolish thing.
JAMIE: Oh? What are you doing here then?
KANDO: We're part of Educator Balan's expedition from the university.
DOCTOR: But-but when I was here some time ago you were a peaceful race.
BALAN: Ah, so you've been here before?
DOCTOR: Well, yes...
BALAN: Ah, I must put that in my...I'm so sorry, you were saying?
DOCTOR: Well, well what's happened to you? I thought aggressive weapons had been abolished?
BALAN: Oh, indeed they have, under the second council, under Director Olin. He banned the manufacture of all weapons.
DOCTOR: Then what are you doing letting off atomic devices all over the place?
BALAN: Oh... Oh, there was only one device. Perhaps my pupil Kando should tell you? Let's see how much you remember my dear...
KANDO: Um...
BALAN: The seventh council...
KANDO: The seventh council under Director Malos initiated research which led to the development of atomic energy. The dest...
BALAN: Destructive capabilities.
KANDO: The destructive capabilities of this were immediately apparent, and...
BALAN: This island.
KANDO: ...And this island was used to test an explosive des-device, the results of which can be seen today. Thereafter all further research into this type of energy was prohibited, and this island was kept as both a museum and warning to future generations.
JAMIE: Oh well, she certainly does her homework.
DOCTOR: I see. Then this, this is an atomic test site?
BALAN: Oh yes, you see students are... That was really very good Kando. ...Students are brought here to test the radiation level and observe the effect on the vegetation. And of course, to see for themselves the horrors of atomic destruction.
DOCTOR: So there should be radioactivity here?
JAMIE: But there isn't?
DOCTOR: No. I wonder why?
[SCENE_BREAK]
15, EXT: SAUCER
(Rago and Toba are still ironing out the rules of interplanetary etiquette.)
RAGO: And you destroyed this travel-ship?
TOBA: You gave me no order to the contrary!
RAGO: You are a Probationer Navigator, your first duty is to investigate, second assess! You allowed your instinct for destruction interfere with your primary task!
TOBA: Not accepted!
(Rago steps from the shade of the saucer into the harsh glare of the sun.)
RAGO: How can you asses that which does not exist?!
(The glare fades a little as a fluffy cloud passes by.)
RAGO: Have you completed your atomic analysis?
TOBA: Analysis complete. Atomic energy released on this island seventeen point-two decades ago.
RAGO: A long time...strange that this should be the only trace of radiation on this planet. Continue!
TOBA: Drilling sites have now been located and marked.
RAGO: Then we will examine them.
[SCENE_BREAK]
16, EXT: EASTERN ROCKFACE
(Cully runs his hand over the TARDIS curiously, then turns and examines a strange star-shaped emblem burnt into the ground. He ducks into hiding as the Dominators stride into view.)
TOBA: This is the eastern drilling site.
RAGO: What is that?
TOBA: Oh just a crude box-like structure. Shall I summon the Quarks to destroy it?
RAGO: Why, will it interfere with the work?
TOBA: No, but...
RAGO: Then it would be wasteful to destroy it!
[SCENE_BREAK]
17, EXT: RUINED HOUSE
(A radiation-suited figure stoops to examine an identical star to the one by the TARDIS, but this one has been burnt into the ground just outside the ruined house. The figure looks up to see Cully striding past a ruined wall.)
TEEL: Cully what are you doing here?
CULLY: Who is it, who's that over there?
TEEL: My name is Teel, you remember, I'm with the survey team.
CULLY: Survey? Right, take me to your survey unit.
TEEL: But...
CULLY: Come on don't argue!
TEEL: Oh very well. It's over this way.
(They move away just as the Dominators round the corner of the ruined wall.)
RAGO: Here. Evidently a test site - it would explain the radiation.
(They enter the building.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
18, INT: MUSEUM
TOBA: Primitive architecture.
RAGO: Every culture develops Probationer Toba. Never base an assumption on the past, examine the present.
(Toba examines the dummies, seeming not to realise that they aren't real people who were used as test subjects.)
TOBA: Yes Navigator Rago. Hmph, you were right it was a test site.
(Rago stands before the atomic-laser weapon Jamie picked up earlier.)
RAGO: Come here. Explain.
TOBA: Part of this collection of crude weapons.
RAGO: Continue...
TOBA: Well, this one operates on the early laser-principle.
(He picks it up and aims at a map of the island on the wall.)
TOBA: Fire mechanism here.
(There is a neat little hum from the weapon and a hole the size of a melon is excavated from the map in a flump of smoke and flame.)
TOBA: Self-charging power-cell, limited range.
RAGO: All you notice?
TOBA: The other weapons are just as simple; there's nothing here that could threaten us. These things are so old that they could...
RAGO: Precisely! Old! At last you casually mention a fact of major significance. Has it not occurred to you Probationer Toba that other weapons must have been developed since these?
TOBA: Agreed Navigator Rago.
RAGO: I reproved you at the time of your precipitate act of self-gratification in destroying those three creatures. It will now be necessary to find other specimens. They will have to be investigated...
[SCENE_BREAK]
19, INT: SURVEY UNIT
(The Doctor sits on a comfortable sofa under a recess in the wall containing a large exotic flower.)
DOCTOR: But why do you think we might be responsible?
(He takes a beaker of drink from the tray offered to him by Kando.)
DOCTOR: Thank you.
BALAN: Well it is conceivable that your craft the um..?
DOCTOR: TARDIS.
(Balan takes a drink.)
BALAN: The TARDIS could have attracted the radioactivity in the same way that a m-magnet attracts metal.
(The Doctor chuckles.)
DOCTOR: Oh, it would have registered!
(Kando takes the ray over to Zoe who takes a drink.)
ZOE: Do spacecraft often land in Dulkis?
KANDO: As far as you know you are the first.
(Jamie takes a drink.)
JAMIE: Oh I must say then, you don't seem the least bit surprised.
KANDO: We are taught to accept facts, being foolish to contemplate fantasy in the face of reality. You are here - this is fact. That you come from another planet I accept because I have no other means of proving it.
(The door to the decontamination area slides open and two figures shamble in.)
TEEL: Not a sign of radiation, but look what I found.
BALAN: Cully what aren you..?
CULLY: Never mind that now, we've got to get back to the capital!
BALAN: Oh we haven't even begun our survey yet!
CULLY: If you don't you'll be wiped out!
TEEL: He claims to have seen robots and spacecraft!
(Balan turns to the Doctor.)
BALAN: You didn't tell me you brought robots!
DOCTOR: I haven't!
CULLY: Look, I've brought three people here in my ship, they've been killed by those creatures!
(He begins to chuckle at Cully.)
ZOE: Well what's so funny?
BALAN: Now I see it, yes - three people.
(He turns to the Doctor.)
BALAN: So, you come from another world do you Doctor?
DOCTOR: Eh, I don't...I...
BALAN: Really Cully, you and your friends might at least have agreed on the same story!
CULLY: What, but these aren't my three you oaf! Oh what's the use?
JAMIE: Eh? Look what's he talking about?
DOCTOR: I don't know, look I've never seen this gentleman before in my life.
BALAN: Cully, you had no right to bring these people here without permission, even if you are the son of the Director of the council.
CULLY: Well go on then, why don't you call him up? At least he's not as stupid as you are!
DOCTOR: You say you've seen a spacecraft?
CULLY: Well I've told you haven't I? A-and robots...well least I think they were robots.
DOCTOR: What exactly did this spacecraft look like?
CULLY: Well it's large and circular and a sort of silvery colour.
JAMIE: Ah, that means it can't be the TARDIS.
DOCTOR: Are you sure it wasn't square - like a large wooden box?
CULLY: No, no, that isn't the spacecraft. No, the box is where the aliens have made a sort of of mark - a five-pointed star. They were examining just now, talking about destroying it!
DOCTOR/JAMIE/ZOE: What?!
DOCTOR: Jamie we'd better go and see!
JAMIE: Come on!
BALAN: You're wasting your time.
DOCTOR: I-I prefer to make up my own mind thank you! Uh, Jamie...are you coming Zoe?
ZOE: No, I think I'll stay here.
DOCTOR: Right, we shan't be a minute.
JAMIE: Come on then.
DOCTOR: Are you sure there's no radioactivity?
TEEL: Certain.
DOCTOR: Good.
(The Doctor and Jamie rush away.)
ZOE: Why do you think they're wasting their time Balan?
CULLY: Because they all think I'm a liar!
BALAN: Oh!
[SCENE_BREAK]
20, EXT: SAUCER
RAGO: Commence work on preparing the sites of the outer boreholes.
TOBA: At once Navigator Rago.
RAGO: Send this message to fleet leader. Materials located, detailed report follows.
TOBA: Command accepted!
(He strides through the airlock.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
21, INT: SURVEY UNIT
(Teel is sat at a console trying to resolve a screen of their video-link which has become fogged with static.)
BALAN: No. No, I'm sorry Cully, I'm taking no action until I've spoken to your father.
CULLY: But all this is just wasting time, and anyway you know full well what the old man's going to say: "Do nothing"!
BALAN: Yes, and better that than setting the whole of Dulkis in a panic! Besides Cully, I think you should show more respect, if not to me at least to your father.
CULLY: My father? The great Senex, leader of the Dulcians?
(He laughs.)
CULLY: He's as bad as the rest of you! Vegetables, the lot of you. You don't live, you exist.
BALAN: Haven't you got through yet Teel?
TEEL: There seems to be some sort of interference.
CULLY: Ah, there you are! Robots are causing that, what did I tell you?
(Balan angrily waves Cully away and he wanders over to Zoe.)
ZOE: You don't seem to be having much success with them do you?
CULLY: Idiots, blind idiots they are! Still, at least your Doctor friend showed some interest.
(Balan glares at Cully and sshs loudly.)
ZOE: Yes, he has an enquiring mind.
CULLY: In that case he'll end up as unpopular as I am!
[SCENE_BREAK]
22, EXT: EASTERN ROCKFACE
JAMIE: Ah, at least they haven't harmed the TARDIS.
DOCTOR: That's a relief. Jamie, come and have a look at this, it's interesting, look.
JAMIE: What?
DOCTOR: See?
(He points at the five-pointed star burnt into the ground.)
JAMIE: Oh, what's so interesting about that?
DOCTOR: Well I think it must be some sort of survey-mark.
JAMIE: Ah, very likely...
DOCTOR: Jamie, look!
(He points to the ground again, but this time at a set of parallel oblongs in the sand.)
DOCTOR: Some sort of tracks.
JAMIE: So they are.
DOCTOR: Let's follow them shall we?
(Rounding the corner they see the saucer in the far distance.)
JAMIE: Hey look at that!
DOCTOR: Now that really is interesting!
[SCENE_BREAK]
23, EXT: SAUCER
(They walk past a landing stanchion.)
JAMIE: Oh look, I-I-I-I think we'd better be getting back. Z-Zoe'll be wondering what's happened to us.
DOCTOR: Oh this is interesting, yes... Obviously an interstellar spaceship of considerably advanced design.
(The Doctor walks towards the airlock, but Jamie holds him back.)
JAMIE: Oh no, you're not thinking what I think you're thinking are you?
DOCTOR: That, I think Jamie, depends upon what you think I am thinking!
JAMIE: Oh!
(The Doctor fusses busily with the airlock.)
JAMIE: Hey Doctor!
DOCTOR: Stop it.
DOCTOR: ...Doctor!
(Jamie tugs at the Doctor's coat to get his attention.)
DOCTOR: Jamie, don't do it!
JAMIE: Doctor look!
(Reluctantly he turns and sees that he is being scanned by two creatures. A round mace-like head studded with shards of crystal sits atop a small boxy torso; within the front face of which are two concealed folding arms, one above the other that can hinge out in two opposing 90° angle sweeps. Below, the robots move on two tiny flexible legs ending in rectangular feet. The two Quarks stand atop a nearby sandbank.)
DOCTOR: Oh my word!
(The lead Quark addresses the Doctor and Jamie in a high-pitched mechanical voice.)
QUARK: DO NOT MOVE! DO NOT MOVE!
(They are joined by the sadistic form of Toba.)
QUARK: NEXT TASK? SHALL WE DESTROY? SHALL WE DESTROY?
(The right-hand Quark extends an arm with an inbuilt weapon and aims it at the Doctor and Jamie.) | Plan: A: The TARDIS; Q: What vehicle arrives on the planet Dulkis? A: Zoe; Q: Who is the companion of the Doctor on Dulkis? A: The Quarks; Q: Who is the group of Evil Dominators? A: a radioactive island; Q: Where have The Quarks arrived? A: a bomb; Q: What do the Quarks plan to detonate in the planet's core? A: the entire planet; Q: What will be turned into radioactive fuel for the invasion fleet? A: their invasion fleet; Q: What do The Quarks plan to use the fuel from the planet for? Summary: The TARDIS arrives on the planet Dulkis where the Doctor, Zoe and Jamie decide to have a quiet holiday. Only to find the Evil Dominators and their robotic slaves, The Quarks have arrived on a radioactive island, where they plan to detonate a bomb in the planet's core, which will turn the entire planet as source of radioactive fuel for their invasion fleet. |
Originally written by Jeff Astroff and Mike Sikowitz . Transcribed by Mindy Mattingly Phillips.
PHOEBE: Ok, so this is pretty much what's happened so far. Ross was in love with Rachel since, you know, forever, but every time he tried to tell her, something kind of got in the way, like cats, and Italian guys. Finally Chandler was like "forget about her" but when Ross was in China on his dig, Chandler let it slip that Ross was in love with Rachel. She was like, "Oh my god." So she went to the airport to meet him when he came back, but what she didn't know was, that Ross was getting off the plane with another woman. Uh-Oh! So, that's pretty much everything you need to know. But, enough about us. So, how've you been?
RACHEL: Oh my god. Oh my god. Excuse me. Emergency! Excuse me!
ROSS: Rache!
RACHEL: Oh, there you are! Hi! Oh, so, so, how was China, you?
ROSS: It was, it was great. Oh, what happened?
RACHEL: What?
ROSS: You're bleeding.
RACHEL: I am? Oh, look at that, yes I am. Enough about me, enough about me, Mr. Back from the Orient. I wanna hear everything!
ROSS: Well, where do I start? This is Julie. Julie, this is Rachel.
RACHEL: These are, these aren't for you. These are for you. Welcome to our country.
JULIE: Thank you. I'm from New York.
RACHEL: Ok, well, not a problem. We'll just use them to stop the bleeding. Ok. Baggage claim? Ok.
MONICA: I'm telling you, she went to the airport, and she's gonna go for it with Ross.
PHOEBE: Oh my god. This is huge. This is bigger than huge. This is like, all right, what's bigger than huge?
JOEY: Um, this?
PHOEBE: Yes.
MONICA: Guys, you got your hair cut.
CHANDLER: Yes, yes, we did, thanks to Vidal Buffay.
PHOEBE: 'Cause, you know, if you don't look good, we don't look good. I love that voice.
RACHEL: Airport, airport. Ross, not alone, Julie, arm around her. Cramp, cramp.
CHANDLER: Ok, I think she's trying to tell us something. Quick, get the verbs.
RACHEL: You, you, you said he liked me. You, you slowpokes!
ROSS: That's all right, Rache, we got the bags. Hi, hello. Julie, this is my sister Monica, Chandler, Joey. Everyone, this is Julie.
JULIE: Hi, but I'm not here, you haven't met me. I'll make a much better first impression tomorrow when I don't have 20 hours of cab and plane on me.
ROSS: And bus.
JULIE: Oh my god.
ROSS: You gotta hear this story.
JULIE: We're on this bus, that's easily 200 years old, and this guy--
RACHEL: And the chicken poops in her lap. Oh, I'm so sorry. I just gave away the ending, didn't I? Oh! It's just, I just heard this story in the cab, and it is all I can think about.
MONICA: This is amazing. I mean, how, how did this happen?
JULIE: Well, Ross and I were in grad school together.
ROSS: But we haven't seen each other since then. Well I land in China, guess who's in charge of the dig.
RACHEL: Julie! Julie, isn't that great? I mean, isn't that just kick- you-in-the-crotch, spit-on-your-neck fantastic?
MONICA: It's just an expression.
ROSS: Well, we just wanted to say a quick hi, and then we're gonna go see the baby.
JULIE: And then we've gotta get some sleep.
ROSS: Yeah, it's really 6:00 tomorrow night our time.
CHANDLER: Well, listen, don't tell us what's gonna happen, 'cause I like to be surprised.
ROSS: Hey, Rache, can I get some coffee?
RACHEL: Yeah, sure.
ROSS: Thank you.
CHANDLER: Hey, Rache, can I get--
RACHEL: Did you talk to him?
CHANDLER: Not yet.
RACHEL: Then, no.
CHANDLER: So what the hell happened to you in China? I mean, when last we left you, you were totally in love with, you know.
ROSS: I know, I know I was, but there was always this little voice inside that kept saying it's never gonna happen, move on. You know whose voice that was?
CHANDLER: God?
ROSS: It was you, pal.
CHANDLER: Well, maybe it was God, doing me.
ROSS: Look, you were right. She looks at me and sees a friend, that's all. But then I met Julie, and I don't know, we're havin' a great time. And I never would've gone for it with her if it hadn't been for you.
CHANDLER: Well, you owe me one, big guy.
RACHEL: Here's your lemonade.
ROSS: I didn't order lemonade.
RACHEL: Oh. Well than, you better go take that back because they're gonna charge you for that.
ROSS: But--
RACHEL: Go go go go, come on! Well, what did you find out?
CHANDLER: He said, he said that they're having a great time. I'm sorry. But, the silver lining, if you wanna see it, is that he made the decision all by himself without any outside help whatsoever.
ROSS: How is that the silver lining?
CHANDLER: You have to really wanna see it.
ROSS: Ironically, these are the guys who were picked last in gym.
MONICA: Phoebes, you know what I'm thinking?
PHOEBE: Oh, ok. How, it's been so long since you've had s*x, you're wondering if they've changed it?
MONICA: No, although now that's what I'm thinking.
PHOEBE: All right, so what were you thinking?
MONICA: Well, I was thinking, that you gave the guys such great haircuts, I thought, maybe you'd like to do mine?
PHOEBE: Oh. No.
MONICA: Why not?
PHOEBE: Because, I'm just, I'm incredibly a**l and an unbelievable control freak.
MONICA: No you're not.
PHOEBE: I know I'm not, but you are, and I was trying to spare your feelings. phone rings
JOEY: Hello? Oh, hi. Yeah, hold on a second. Ross, it's Julie.
ROSS: Hello? Hi.
CHANDLER: Hi. Anybody know a good tailor?
JOEY: Needs some clothes altered?
CHANDLER: No, no, I'm just looking for a man to draw on me with chalk.
JOEY: Why don't you go see Frankie? My family's been goin' to him forever. He did my first suit when I was 15. No wait, 16. No, 'scuse me, 15. All right, when was 1990?
CHANDLER: You have to stop the Q-tip when there's resistance!
ROSS: Ok, ok, sweetheart, I'll see you later. Ok, bye. What? Oh, that is so sweet. No, no, ok, you hang up. Ok, ok, one, two, three. Well you didn't hang up either. Ok, no, no, you hang up. You, you, y--
RACHEL: Sorry, I thought you were talking to me.
ROSS: Rachel! I'll just call her back.
RACHEL: Ok, ok, ok. How did this happen to me? How did this happen to me? A week ago, two weeks ago, I was fine. Ross was just Ross, just this guy. Now he's Rrrooossss, oh, this really great guy that I can't have.
MONICA: Sweetie, I wanted you to have him too.
RACHEL: I know you did. I'm just gonna deal with it, I'm just gonna deal with it. I gotta get out of here.
CHANDLER: Ok, I don't care what you guys say, something's bothering her.
JOEY: You know, I think I was sixteen.
MONICA: Please, just a little bit off the back.
PHOEBE: I'm still on "no".
RACHEL: Uh, morning. Do you guys think you could close your eyes for just a sec?
JOEY: No no no no no, I'm not fallin' for that again.
PHOEBE: What's goin' on?
RACHEL: Well, I sorta did a stupid thing last night.
CHANDLER: What stupid thing did you do?
PAOLO: Bon giorno tutti!
PHOEBE: Ewww!
RACHEL: Ok, Paulo, why don't you just go get dressed, and then you be on your way, ok, bye-bye.
MONICA: Rachel, how did this happen?
RACHEL: I don't know, I just kinda ran into him last night.
PHOEBE: Where?
RACHEL: At his apartment. Is this juice?
JOEY: Whoa, whoa. And the fact that you dumped him because he hit on Phoebe?
RACHEL: I know, I know I'm a pathetic loser.
MONICA: Honey, you're not pathetic, you're sad.
CHANDLER: People do stupid things when they're upset.
MONICA: My god, if I had a nickel for every guy I wish I hadn't--but this is about your horrible mistake.
ROSS: Hi. Sorry we're late but we were--well, there was touching.
PHOEBE: Hey, hey Ross.
ROSS: Hey, Paulo. What are you doing here?
PAOLO: I do Raquel.
ROSS: So, uh, he's back.
RACHEL: Yeah, he's back. Is that a problem?
ROSS: No, not a problem.
RACHEL: I'm glad it's not a problem.
PHOEBE: Ok, you're gonna have to not touch my ass.
CHANDLER: Well, in spite of the yummy bagels and palpable tension, I've got pants that need to be altered.
JOEY: Hey, Chandler, when you see Frankie, tell him Joey says hello. He'll know what it means.
CHANDLER: Are you sure he's gonna be able to crack that code?
MONICA: You know it's funny, the last time Paulo was here, my hair was so much shorter and cuter.
PHOEBE: All right. Ok, but, but you have to promise that you will not be all like control-y and bossy and Monica about it.
MONICA: I promise.
PHOEBE: All right. Now some of you are gonna get cut, and some of you aren't. But I promise none of you are gonna feel a thing.
PHOEBE: All right, that's it, I quit.
MONICA: What? I didn't say anything.
PHOEBE: Yeah, but this isn't the face of a person who trusts a person. Ok, this is the face of a person who, you know, doesn't trust a person.
MONICA: I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Phoebe. It's just a little shorter than what we had discussed.
PHOEBE: Would you relax? I know what I am doing. This is how he wears it.
MONICA: How who wears it?
PHOEBE: Demi Moore.
MONICA: Demi Moore is not a he.
PHOEBE: Well, he was a he in Arthur, and in Ten.
MONICA: That's Dudley Moore. I said I wanted it like Demi Moore.
PHOEBE: Oh, oh, oh my god!
MONICA: Oh my god!
PHOEBE: I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Which one's Demi Moore?
MONICA: She's the actress who was in Disclosure, Indecent Proposal, Ghost.
PHOEBE: Oh, she's got gorgeous hair.
MONICA: I KNOW!
FRANKIE: How long do you want the cuffs?
CHANDLER: At least as long as I have the pants.
FRANKIE: I just got that. Ok, now we'll do your inseam.
RACHEL: How is she?
PHOEBE: It's too soon to tell. She's resting, which is a good sign.
ROSS: How's the hair?
[SCENE_BREAK]
PHOEBE: I'm not gonna lie to you, Ross, it doesn't look good. I put a clip on one side, which seems to have stopped the curling.
JOEY: Can we see her?
PHOEBE: Your hair looks too good, I think it would upset her. Ross, you come on in.
JOEY: How're you doing?
RACHEL: I'm ok.
JOEY: Ooh, that bad, huh? Look, I can sense when women are depressed and vulnerable. It's one of my gifts.
RACHEL: When I saw him get off that plane with her, I really thought I hit rock bottom. But today, it's like there's rock bottom, then 50 feet of crap, then me.
JOEY: You gotta tell Ross how you feel.
RACHEL: Come on. How can I just tell him? What about Julie?
JOEY: What about her? They've only been going out for two weeks. Ross has been in love with you for like 10 years.
RACHEL: I don't know, I don't know.
JOEY: Look, Rache, Rache, I've been with my share of women. In fact, I've been with like a lot of people's share of women. The point is, I've never felt about anyone the way Ross felt about you.
CHANDLER: Yo, paisan. Can I talk to you for a sec? Your tailor is a very bad man.
JOEY: Frankie? What're you talking about?
ROSS: Hey, what's goin' on?
CHANDLER: Joey's tailor...took advantage of me.
ROSS: What?
JOEY: No way. I've been going to the guy for 12 years.
CHANDLER: He said he was going to do my inseam, and he ran his hand up my leg, and then, there was definite--
ROSS: what?
CHANDLER: Cupping.
JOEY: That's how they do pants. First they go up one side, they move it over, they go up the other side, they move it back, and then they do the rear. What? Ross, Ross, would you tell him? Isn't that how they measure pants?
ROSS: Yes, yes it is. In prison! Whatsa matter with you?
JOEY: What? That's not? Oh my god.
MONICA: Even Mary Tyler Moore would've been better.
ROSS: I like it. I do, I think it's a Ten.
MONICA: Thank you. My hair is very amused.
CHANDLER: Come on, Monica, things could be worse. You could get caught between the moon and New York City. I know it's crazy, but it's true.
PHOEBE: Thank you.
ROSS: Well, I gotta go. Bye. Bye, Rache.
RACHEL: Wait, are you leaving?
ROSS: Yeah, that's kinda what I meant by "bye!"
JOEY: Hey, when the doctor does that hernia test...
CHANDLER: That's ok.
ROSS: What's goin' on?
RACHEL: Well, first of all, Paulo and I are not back together. It was just a stupid thing I did, and if I could go back in time and do it again, well, I wouldn't. Um, second of all, what?
ROSS: Ok. Well, before I say anything, I just need to know, is this one of those things where you break up with a guy, and then I tell you what I think, and then the next day you get back together with the guy, and I look like a complete idiot?
RACHEL: No.
ROSS: Well, then, I think, I think the guy is scum. I hate him. I physically hate him. I always have. You are way too good to be with a guy like that. You deserve to be with someone who appreciates you, and who gets how funny and sweet and amazing, and adorable, and sexy you are, you know? Someone who wakes up every morning thinking "Oh my god, I'm with Rachel". You know, someone who makes you feel good, the way I am with Julie. Was there a second of all?
RACHEL: No, I think that was the whole all.
JOEY: I swear to god, Dad. That's not how they measure pants.
JULIE: I was thinking of doing it a little shorter, you know, like Andy McDowell's new haircut?
PHOEBE: You wanna do it right now?
JULIE: Great!
PHOEBE: Ok, I just wanna be really sure this time. Andy McDowell's the girl from Four Weddings and a Funeral, right?
RACHEL: No. No no no no no. That's Rodney McDowell. Andy McDowell is the guy from Planet of the Apes.
PHOEBE: Oh, yeah. Ok, thank you.
RACHEL: You're welcome. | Plan: A: Rachel's birthday celebration; Q: When did Chandler accidentally reveal that Ross loves her? A: Chandler; Q: Who accidentally revealed that Ross loves Rachel? A: the airport; Q: Where does Rachel go to tell Ross she cares for him? A: Julie ( Lauren Tom; Q: Who is Ross dating? A: China; Q: Where did Ross meet Julie? A: Joey; Q: Who takes Chandler to the tailor? A: Chandler haircuts; Q: What does Monica want when Phoebe gives Joey and what? A: Monica; Q: Who wants a haircut? A: Monica's obsessive perfectionism; Q: What does Phoebe know about Monica? A: Monica's wishes; Q: What does Phoebe misunderstand? A: Dudley Moore; Q: What actor's haircut does Monica get instead of Demi Moore? A: Demi Moore; Q: What actress did Monica want to look like? A: his tailor; Q: Where does Joey take Chandler for a new suit? A: the man; Q: Who touches Chandler inappropriately while measuring his inseam? A: Julie upsets Rachel; Q: What does Ross' constant talk about Julie do to Rachel? A: the night; Q: How long does Rachel spend with Paolo? Summary: At Rachel's birthday celebration, Chandler has accidentally revealed that Ross loves her. Rachel goes to the airport to meet Ross and tell him she cares for him, unaware he is returning with Julie ( Lauren Tom ), who he reconnected with in China and is now dating. Chandler then feels guilty for advising Ross to get over Rachel. When Phoebe gives Joey and Chandler haircuts, Monica wants one. Phoebe initially refuses, knowing Monica's obsessive perfectionism, but finally relents. She misunderstands Monica's wishes and gives her a haircut like Dudley Moore instead of Demi Moore. Joey takes Chandler to his tailor for a new suit, but while measuring his inseam, the man touches Chandler inappropriately. He tells Joey who naively believes that is the normal procedure. Ross' constant talk about Julie upsets Rachel, who spends the night with her old lover, Paolo. |
[PREVIOUSLY_ON]
Bobby : We could really use a good young coach like you.
Nathan : I thought you wanted me to play.
Bobby : Well Nathan your playing days are over. Come on. You must know that.
Brooke : The magazine the line ... You can have everything. Lindsey Do you know they didn't even want to do a book tour? What could possibly be more important than Chicago? Lucas My wedding. It's Peyton.
Peyton : It's Mick. He's my father. He's coming over for dinner.
Mick : Shut up and pour okay?
Carrie : I'm not dead.
Dan : Sure you are.
LUCAS'S HOUSE
Peyton : Why do guys insist on packing their bags at the last possible minute?
Lucas : We do it to torture you.
Peyton : Big day huh?
Lucas : Yeah. Anyhow the first signing's always the most stressful.
Peyton : Yeah.
Lucas : But I get to see mouth today.
Peyton : That'll be fun. I still don't understand why they're sending you to Omaha to launch the book tour.
Lucas : Well they like to generate a little buzz before the bigger markets you know? Worked for the last book.
Peyton : I wish I could go with you.
Lucas : It's not too late.
Peyton : Oh yeah. 'Cause that wouldn't be awkward. You, your fiancée, your ex-Fiancée.
Lucas : Peyton.
Peyton : I'm sorry. I know Lindsey is your editor. I just ... I'm jealous that she gets you for the next week and I get Mick.
Lucas : Great. Why do you think he's avoiding, admitting that he's your father?
Peyton : I don't know. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe he's not. Either way I will be all right. Don't worry about me.
Lucas : You know I will. I'll call you when I land.
Peyton : Yeah.
Lucas : I love you.
Peyton : I love you. Don't forget me when you're a big star Lucas Scott.
Lucas : Mm Hmm
AT TREE HILL
* so many years apart I've missed *
Nathan : You know hales with everything you've been through lately I'm sure principal turner would understand If you needed a little more time off.
Haley : I think two weeks of replaying that day in my head is enough. It's time for me to get back to my life. Besides it will be nice to have the distraction.
Nathan : If you need me you know I'm here.
Haley : Yeah.
Nathan : You know what? Let's cut through shop.
Haley : You can cut through shop?
Nathan : You were such a nerd in high school.
Haley : I was an honor student!
Nathan : Exactly. Nerd. Haley Oh what ! "Nerd." You don't know what you'd do without me. Nathan!
Haley : So you want to tell me why you were sleeping in the backseat of a car at school?
Sam : Well it was either there or that smelly couch in the teacher's lounge. I can't believe you sit on that thing.
Haley : For the record I don't go near that thing. So tell me Where you live Because I'm pretty sure it's not in shop class.
Sam : I live in a foster home.
Haley : Okay. Well give me your number. I'm gonna need to speak with your foster parents.
Sam : Hell no. Please. That'll just make it worse. This is none of your business okay?
Haley : Sam if there's a problem at home tell me. I can get you some help.
Sam : There's not a problem. This is one of the better fosteromes I've been in. The others were ... Not so good. So it's just a little crowded. It's okay.
Haley : It's not okay Sam. Is there anybody that was worried That you didn't come home last night?
Sam : You don't get it. Nobody cares. It's kind of like being invisible. Cash their checks I don't get slapped around. That's the deal. And it's a pretty good deal. So don't screw this up for me.
Haley : Sam I can't just pretend like this didn't happen. You're 15 years old. There has to be something better for you.
Sam : You seem nice but I'm not your girl. I'm not anybody's girl. It happens.
Haley : Sam!
AT CLOTHES OVER BROS
Brooke : Millie look who it is
Millicent : The world's best boss.
Brooke : And what are you buttering me up for?
Millicent : Nothing. We just have lots to do.
Brooke : Millie, I love you dearly but you realize we are standing in a clothing store that has no clothes in it, and I am fresh out of ideas.
Millicent : Are you sure about that?
Brooke : What is that?
Millicent : I wrote down a list of ideas.
Brooke : And then you covered them with a sheet?
Millicent : Yeah that was more for effect. I've always wanted to pull a sheet off something and say "voilà"
Brooke : All right well now's your big chance. "Go skydiving"?
Millicent : You didn't let me say "voilà?"
Brooke : I'm sorry. But look. Skydiving sounds really fun and all but how is it gonna help this company?
Millicent : Well maybe before you can heal the company, you have to heal your soul a little first.
Brooke : Ride a motorcycle. Learn to speak French. Get drunk at Oktoberfest. Watch every James Bond movie. Millie why do these all sound so familiar?
Millicent : Because they're all your ideas. You're always talking about stuff you wanted to try and Victoria either said they were stupid or you were too busy.
Brooke : So while she was telling me I couldn't do any of these things ...
Millicent : I was writing them down so someday you could. Welcome to someday Brooke Davis.
AT RIVER COURT
* maybe they had it made somehow * * living for there and then * * under a psychedelic spell *
Skills : Thank you. So you gonna show me something? * still they had so much to tell * * whatever happens to the dreamers *
Skills : Hey man. What the hell was that?
Nathan : That was game.
Skills : We not working on your jumper so why would you pull up like that?
Nathan : You cut off the lane.
Skills : So don't let me cut the lane off then. What if your jumper not falling that day? So what? You too scared to get physical?
Nathan : You want physical?
Skills : Yeah. * it's only when they close their eyes *
Skills : Hoo, Hoo. That's what I'm talking about baby.
Deb : Whoo! You're doing great honey.
Skills/Nathan : Thanks. Thanks.
Nathan : Just check the ball.
AT PEYTON'S STUDIO
* I love you I do * * nothing's ever been this way before * * a dream is just a dream and nothing more * * nothing's ever been this way before * * a dream is just a dream and nothing more *
Peyton : Were you ever sober for an entire year?
Mick : What part of "rock guitarist" don't you get?
Peyton : That's what I thought.
Mick : If you don't mind I'll have that back.
Peyton : Why? So you can keep lying to yourself?
Mick : You wouldn't understand.
Peyton : You're right. You're right. I don't understand. I don't understand any of this. Honestly I wish you hadn't have come here.
Mick : I would have sucked at being your father! That's why Ellie and I gave you up. There I said it. Are you happy now?
Peyton : After 22 years. That is the best you can give me. There I said it?
Mick : That's all I got.
Peyton : Thanks dad. You can go now.
Mick : This is why I like being on the road.
AT JAMIE'S SCHOOL
Jamie : Hey grandpa. Where's Nanny Deb?
Dan : I'm here to pick you up today.
Jamie : Really? Cool.
Dan : So why do you want to do?
Jamie : Well that depends.
Dan : What do you and Nanny Deb usually do after school?
Jamie : Um eat lots of ice cream.
Dan : That doesn't sound like Deb. Are you sure she lets you eat ice cream after school?
Jamie : No. She makes me eat veggies instead because they'll help me grow big and strong.
Dan : You want to know a little secret? Most adults will tell you almost anything to get you to eat your veggies
and most of it's not true.
Jamie : Well carrots really do give you x-Ray vision right?
Dan : No.
Jamie : What? * so let me in *
Jamie : So grandpa do I really get to make a wish for every Brussels sprout I eat?
Dan : No actually they taste bad for no reason at all. Come on. Hey slow down there buddy. You're gonna give yourself a brain freeze.
Jamie : Mmm. Is that good?
Dan : Well well. What have we here?
Jamie : Oh. Guess what? They kiss a lot. * Well they said you was long gone * You want some more?
Skills : Hey little buddy.
Jamie : Hi uncle skills. Hi Nanny Deb.
Deb : Ice cream after school and I thought I was a bad nanny.
Dan : Yeah. Well you know they ran out of all those x-Ray vision carrots. *... and said all right *
Dan : So granny Deb can I talk to you? * Baby doll the men who hang like flowers in your hall * * are asking when your love... *
Dan : Is skills out of high school yet?
Deb : Uh yeah Dan. He graduated the day you turned yourself in for murder. And if you've come here to criticize me ...
Dan : I haven't. I wanted to thank you for telling the parole board The truth about Carrie. You did the right thing.
Deb : Did I? Are we done here?
Dan : Yeah that's all I wanted to say.
Deb : Good. Have a nice life Dan.
Dan : What's left of it. * 'cause I can stay or honey... *
Deb : Let's go Antwon. See you at home sweetie. * Just to wherever you tell me so * * and find my place there *
Jamie : Oh it hurts. It really hurts.
Dan : Yeah. I know how you feel.
Jamie : Oh my head.
AT CLOTHES OVER BROS
Brooke : Hey. Did you eat all the orange chicken?
Millicent : Sorry. Mouth usually gets a the Mongolian beef and i eat all the orange chicken.
Brooke : Lucky for you I like Mongolian beef. How you doing ... Being away from him?
Millicent : To be honest I wish he'd just come home.
Brooke : If you ever decide you want to leave you just go. No questions asked.
Millicent : Thanks Brooke but you've always been there for me. I think it's my turn to be here for you.
* babydoll *
AT THE AIRPORT
Lucas : Hi ! Lucas scott.
Lon : Lon. I'm with Putnam and Pratt.
Lucas : It's nice to meet you. So is Lindsey gonna met us at the bookstore?
Lon : No Lindsey's in New-York. I'm gonna be taking her place on the tour.
Lucas : Oh. Well i guess it's just you and me then.
Lon : Yep.
Lucas : So uh what'd you think about the book?
Lon : To be honest I haven't had a chance to read it yet, but hey it's at the top of my to do list. "Comet" right? I love science fiction.
AT TREE HILL HIGHT SCHOOL
Nathan : Taking a trip down memory lane?
Dan : I was just dropping off Jamie.
Nathan : I know.
Dan : I heard about Quentin fields. I'm sorry. He was a good basketball player.
Nathan : Yeah. You shut you know. It's a tragedy. Makes you wonder how somebody could do something like that.
Dan : It was good to see you son.
Nathan : You saved my wife. You saved my son. But you killed my uncle, right here where I'm standing. I don't know where that leaves us. At least my son loves you.
Dan : And my son hates me.
Nathan : Both of them.
AT PEYTON'S STUDIO
Peyton : I thought I said you could go.
Mick : Yeah well I... thought we should talk.
Peyton : Okay. I want to know why you came here pretending not to be my real dad.
Mick : What's a real dad? I mean you got a dad And obviously he did a good job with you. So why do you have to keep pushing it?
Peyton : Because it matters!
Mick : So all this is just because I couldn't tell you the truth?
Peyton : No! No. All of this because you have ... missed my whole life And it really doesn't seem
to bother you.
Mick : You know I think you're right. It's probably a good time for me to just move on.
Peyton : Great. I'm glad we can agree on something.
AT THE LIBRARY
* good arms versus bad arms... *
Lon : Wow. You know this turnout isn't exactly inspiring me to read your book Lucas.
Lucas : Whose brilliant idea was it to put this signing in the science Fiction section?
Lon : It's a book about space right?
Lucas : No actually um the comet's a metaphor. It's a love story.
Lon : Well you know what? We could have had this thing out in the middle of main street we wouldn't have gotten any more traffic.
Lucas : Thanks for the support.
Lon : Yeah.
Hadley : Will you sign my book?
Lucas : Yeah of course i will. What's your name?
Hadley : Hadley.
Lucas : Hadley. That's a really pretty name. You know my best friend's name is Haley, but uh ... I like "Hadley" better.
Hadley : Thanks.
Lucas : Uh actually this is a "gossip girl" book.
Hadley : I know. My favorite. *... rest at arm's length * * when they reach out don't touch them *
Lucas : Here you go.
Hadley : Thanks.
Lucas : Mouth. Oh my god. It's good to see you man.
Mouth : Lucas Scott Big-Time writer. Am I the uh last one to arrive?
Lucas : A ... Actually you're the first.
Mouth : Oh?
Lucas : Yeah.
Mouth : Oh.
AT CLOTHES OVER BROS
* I decided this decision some... *
Haley : When did Brooke Davis become all work and no play?
Brooke : I am actually playing right now. I'm gonna take skydiving lessons. You want to come with me?
Haley : Ah thanks but no. No thank you.
Brooke : Come on. I'm looking up the safest places to go.
Haley : Okay well I'm pretty sure they're all equally unsafe. Listen. Would you be interested in fostering a child?
Brooke : Well I guess it would depend on the situation.
Haley : Do you remember Sam? She's um She's the one that stole from your store.
Brooke : It figures she'd get pregnant. She's so young!
Haley : No she's not pregnant. It's her. She's the one that needs fostering.
Brooke : But she's so old.
Haley : Well she's 15. Look I found her sleeping in the backseat of a car in shop class And her current foster parents Didn't even know that she was gone.
Brooke : Well maybe they can foster her in jail 'Cause it's where she's headed.
Haley : I think she's just acting out for attention. It kind of reminds me of somebody else I used to know in high school.
Brooke : Haley I'm sorry but ... I can't take in a teenager right now. Find me a cute little baby in shop class we can talk about it.
Haley : That's okay. I ... I totally understand. It's just ... I think of Jamie and how I would do anything to protect him. And then I look at Sam and I wonder ... who's protecting her.
AT THE LIBRARY
Lucas : Well this is officially embarrassing.
Mouth : Luke it's not that bad.
Lucas : I've signed exactly two books today one of which was a "gossip girl" book.
Mouth : I hear those are pretty good.
Lucas : That's not helping mouth.
Mouth : I'm sorry. Look maybe it's just Omaha.
Lucas : I doubt it. My first book sold really well here. This can't be good.
Mouth : Well then look on the bright side. You get to hang out with an old friend.
Fan : Can I get a picture?
Lucas : Yeah sure.
Fan : All right sweet. Okay. Right there. Thanks.
Mouth : Sorry Luke.
Fan : Say it.
Mouth : Actually I'd rather not.
Fan : Come on. Just say it.
Mouth : This is Marvin McFadden on sports and you've just heard a mouthful.
Fan : Nice! Thank you.
Mouth : Yeah.
Fan : Thank you.
AT SCOTT'S HOUSE
Nathan : So how'd it go with Brooke?
Haley : She's just not ready to take in A rebellious teenager right now.
Nathan : Well ... she could stay with us.
Haley : No. I thought about that but Jamie's been through so much. It's just not a good time for him.
Yeah. So have you.
Nathan : Hello.
Mike : Nate, Mike Wilson. Listen. I heard you were looking for the opportunity to play ball again.
Nathan : Yes sir?
Mike : Well I have one for you. But it might not be exactly what you're thinking. * come on * * wow * * wow *
Nathan : Wow. It's scary guffy for my back!
Skills : Man that can't be good for nobody's back.
Jamie : This is the coolest thing I've ever seen. You have to do this daddy.
Nathan : Yeah.
BROOKE'S HOUSE
Peyton : Brooke. What is all this?
Brooke : I have to tell you something.
Peyton : Okay.
Brooke : I'm sorry but I lied to you. I didn't fall down the stairs Peyton. I was attacked.
AT THE GYMNASIUM
Nathan : So what are you thinking man?
Skills : For real?
Nathan : Yeah.
Skills : Well I was wondering if your mom would ever get back with your dad.
Nathan : Man I'm not talking about this with you.
Skills : Well you asked me what I was thinking about. That's what i was thinking about.
Nathan : That's not what I meant. And will you stop trying to act Like this situation with my mom is for real?
Skills : What's that supposed to mean?
Nathan : You know exactly what it means. The only people signing off on this are you her and Jamie okay?
Skills : Look at that boy. He's just jumping around having fun. I mean after everything he been through lately. He just keep going. Won't let nothing beat him down. That's a strong kid right there.
Nathan : He gets that from his mom.
Skills : No. He gets it from both of you.
Owen : well well. Guess it's official. They will let anyone play in this league.
Nathan : I see that. How you doing man?
Owen : Good man.
Nathan : You know skills right?
Owen : What's up skills?
AT BROOKE'S HOUSE
Peyton : You really think Victoria could have done something like that to you?
Brooke : No. I mean I don't know. I think I needed somebody to blame.
Peyton : I wish you would have told me.
Brooke : I wanted to but I didn't know how.
Peyton : Honey, I am your best friend. I love you. That is why you have me. And it kills me that I wasn't able to be there for you.
Brooke : It's gonna sound weird but I was just really embarrassed. I felt weak ... and ... You and Luke were so happy and I did not want to ruin that for you.
Peyton : No. Hey. I never want you to think that you can't come to me for anything. I'm here for you forever.
Brooke : Promise?
Peyton : Yeah! Of course I promise. You're stuck with me.
Brooke : I'm really sorry that I've been distant. I'm trying to get back. It's just gonna take a little while.
Peyton : I'm not going anywhere ... ever.
AT THE LIBRARY
Lon : Lucas. We need to talk.
Lucas : Okay but please when we get to Seattle, don't set me up in the science fiction section.
Lon : There isn't gonna be a Seattle.
Lucas : And what about the best of the tour?
Lon : It's over. I'm sorry.
Lucas : Because of one bad signing?
Lon : Let's face it. If they didn't come out to see you here in Omaha they're not gonna come see you in the bigger markets.
Lucas : I need to talk to Lindsey. She believes in this book.
Lon : It wasn't her decision. And if it makes you feel any better she didn't agree with it.
Lucas : That's why you didn't read the book.
Lon : Lucas
Lucas : You are ... You knew this was gonna happen. They sent you to deliver the bad news. What are you the grim reaper?
Lon : I've been called worse.
Lucas : I'm sure you have.
Lon : I am sorry Lucas. Go home write another book. I promise I'll read the next one.
AT BROOKE'S HOUSE
* guess it ends here *
Brooke : Oh.
Peyton : Dude do you know what this reminds me of? What? Um remember second grade when you found out how much money Martha Stewart made and you started your own cookie business?
Brooke : Oh my god, Brookies. Brookies!
Peyton : The only thing worse than the name was the actual cookie.
Brooke : They were not that bad
Peyton : They were terrible! And you almost burnt my house down.
Brooke : No. No I didn't.
Peyton : Yes you did!
Brooke : I did not. I set off one smoke detector and your dad acted like i almost burned the house down. He was so mad at me.
Peyton : No he was just worried about us.
Brooke : It felt kind of nice to have somebody worried for a change.
Peyton : Hey speaking of Larry. Uh you're not the only one keeping secrets. I probably should have told you this. I've met my birth dad.
Brooke : What?
Peyton : Yeah it's Mick . The guitarist.
Brooke : Are you serious? What's he like?
Peyton : Ohh. Um... he's a mess. I mean it's cool that he's a musician But he's just really not what i expected him to be.
Brooke : Yeah I'm sorry Peyton. I know how it feels. If only we could pick our parents.
Peyton : Yeah but then you look at Larry and it's pretty cool when they get to pick you.
IN OMAHA STREET
Mouth : I'm sorry Omaha wasn't everything. You hoped it would be Luke.
Lucas : Oh it isn't that bad. At least, which one book sinning today was mine ? How about you huh? Is Omaha everything you hoped it would be?
Mouth : I like it here. I mean they love their sports. You should see this place during the college world series. The whole city gets into it. I have the job I've always dreamed of.
Lucas : Well it sounds like you're right at home.
Mouth : That's the thing. It's not home. At least not without Millie.
Lucas : Yeah how is that working for you?
Mouth : It hasn't been easy. The truth is I'm kind of lost without her but she knows how important this job is to me, so we'll make it work.
Lucas : I'm sure you will.
Mouth : So you're headed back to tree hill. You gonna be okay?
Lucas : I'll survive. Like my mom always says you know "Whenever you're having a bad day, Someone else out there is having a worse day. So just stop and focus on all the good things." I mean think about it. She's right. Today I got to hang out with one of my best friends and then tonight, I get to go home to Peyton.
Mouth : Sounds like a pretty good day.
Lucas : I mean I'm not gonna lie. I was really looking forward to this book tour. I guess, I just thought that... I'd be on top of the world for a couple weeks.
Mouth : Yeah me too.
AT THE GYMNASIUM
Owen : Hey what's up Jamie? How you doing buddy?
Jamie : Sorry Owen. I'm on team Brooke.
Nathan : Did it just get cold in here?
Owen : Yeah I don't blame him. I screwed that up.
Nathan : It's none of my business man.
Owen : So what you think man? You gonna come play for us? We need a scorer.
Nathan : I ... I don't know.
Owen : It's fun out there Nate flying through the air. Nothing like it.
Nathan : I'm just worried my back Can't take something like this right now.
Owen : It's not as bad as it looks. Besides they got springs in the floor. It's gonna be easier on your back than hardwood.
Nathan : Yeah but on a hardwood floor the other players can't knock you out.
Owen : Just remember They can't hit you if they can't catch you.
Nathan : Ohh.
Owen : That won't be you.
AT CLOTHES OVER BROS
Mouth : How do I look?
Millicent : For a guy wearing too much makeup you look pretty cute.
Mouth : Thanks. I miss you. Omaha's just not the same without you.
Millicent : Tree hill's not the same without you. Have a good show. Call me later. Hi. I was just heading home. What do you got there?
Brooke : Cookies. They're mostly burnt but it's the thought that counts. Enjoy.
Millicent : Thanks. Um I added a few more ideas to the list.
Brooke : "Be a mom."
Millicent : It's no fun being alone.
AT OMAHA HOTEL ROOM
Mouth : Okay before we jump into the day's scores I wanted to follow up on a story we did a couple of weeks ago about Darren rivers. Now for those of you who just landed on earth. He's the Pro-Bowl quarterback who shocked the world last month, when he retired from the NFL. Turning down a $60 million contract extension, so, he could spend more time with his family. Now naturally, I put up a crazy meter With Darren's face in the middle of it. I gave him an out of 10. Well, it turns out he might be the least crazy all of us. !you see he just realized that money isn't everything. I think sometimes we all lose sight of what really matters the most. Darren rivers just figured it out before I did. So Darren please accept my sincere apology, and I'm officially moving you down the crazy meter from an 8 to a 3. Because let's face it you still turned down $60 million. In the American league...
Lucas : Hello?
Peyton : Hi. How's my favorite author?
Lucas : He was just thinking about his fiancée.
Peyton : Oh well should I give you five minutes?
Lucas : No I was just packing.
Peyton : You off to Seattle?
Lucas : Um ... Actually I'm coming home. They canceled my book tour.
Peyton : What are you talking about? Why?
Lucas : It doesn't matter.
Peyton : No, it does matter. You worked so hard for this.
Lucas : Hey it's okay Peyton. I still have you and that's all that really matters. Besides this book brought us back together so ... It's the best thing I've ever written.
Peyton : You come home to me then.
Peyton : I love you.
Lucas : I love you too. I'll be home soon. Bye.
Mouth : Two words Batting practice. Pass it on. This isn't soccer. That's it Omaha. I'm Marvin McFadden on sports and you've just heard a mouthful. We'll be right back after this.
AT THE COFFEE BAR
Sam : What are you doing here?
Brooke : It's kind of late to be out alone.
Sam : Well I don't have a curfew.
Brooke : Yeah. Hmm. I didn't have a curfew either. When i was your age it was just me and my parents' credit cards.
Sam : Lucky you.
Brooke : Not really. It would have been nice to have someone to talk to.
Sam : Parents are overrated.
Brooke : Sometimes. Two weeks ago my mom told me she never wanted me.
Sam : Well... my mom gave me up when I was born so in a way she told me she didn't want me. At least she didn't wait 35 years like yours did.
Brooke : I'm not 35! Do Ii look 35 to you?!
Sam : I don't know. Uh look I got to get going. Like you said it's getting late.
Brooke : Listen. Look I know this is ... Totally out of the blue and I'm surprising myself by saying it but ... I have an extra room and it's yours if you want it. You can come and go as you please ... Whatever. So what do you say?
Sam : I don't need this. I can take care of myself.
Brooke : Yeah I know you can. You shouldn't have to right now.
* moon pours through the ceiling tonight *
Brooke : Sam if you're that uncomfortable in my house, you can always sleep in my car. * shows me we're right for each other *
AT PEYTON'S STUDIO
Peyton : You don't come around for 22 years and now you won't go.
Mick : Well I wanted to leave you with something. This chip is the only truly meaningful thing that I own and um now it's yours. That was Ellie's the year she was pregnant with you. And uh ... to tell the truth you saved her life Peyton. She was hell bent on staying sober during the pregnancy and that was hard for her. But it was so much harder giving you up.
* only the heartaches have given me sight *
Peyton : Then why did she?
Mick : Because we thought there was a better life for you out there. We couldn't raise a kid not in our world. But I don't think Ellie ever really got past it.
Peyton : Why didn't you just tell me that?
Mick : I don't know. Maybe didn't want to mess with the picture you had in your head of what your birth father was really like. Something better than me something more heroic. I guess I just didn't want to disappoint you. * more than yesterday *
Mick : Anyhow i uh made a few calls. I'm gonna jump on the last leg Of this tour for a few weeks. It's what I do. I'm sorry. * only the heartaches have given me sight *
Mick : People always leave? Sometimes that's a good thing huh? But for what it's worth you're doing great kid. I'll see ya.
Peyton : Mick. Thank you.
Mick : For what?
Peyton : For giving me up. * yeah, yeah *
AT SCOTT'S HOUSE
Deb : Oh. Ugh.
Skills : Hey. These are for you. I just figured you deserve to be with somebody who gave you flowers.
Deb : Mmm. They're perfect.
AT THE AIRPORT
Lucas : Hey! Saw the show.
Mouth : What'd you think?
Lucas : You were great mouth.
Mouth : Thanks. What time's your flight?
Lucas : About an hour.
Mouth : Well I have this crazy idea. What if you didn't get on it?
Lucas : No offense mouth but I can't be your Millie.
Mouth : What do you think about driving back?
Lucas : You're coming home.
Mouth : I guess I never really left.
Lucas : Yeah but what about your dream job?
Mouth : Dream job or dream girl?
Lucas : Dream girl.
Mouth : No contest. Although I'm kind of becoming the flakiest employee ever but I don't care. I miss Millie and I miss my friends. It just took me a little while to realize what was important.
Lucas : All right? let's do it.
Mouth : Yes!
Lucas : But I'm driving. You got a book to read.
Mouth : Are you gonna make me read your book? With you sitting right next to me?
Lucas : Cover to cover. I may even quiz you.
Mouth : Well it's a good thing I like science fiction.
Lucas : Ohh.
* the subject of some new disgrace * * her whole story was so obvious to me *
AT THE RIVERT COURT
Haley : Did you make the team?
Nathan : Well that all depends on what my wife thinks. This league is different.
Haley : Different how?
Nathan : Well. It's called slamball.
Haley : It's called slamball?
Nathan : Yeah.
Haley : That sounds physical.
Nathan : It's not... really. It's a lot of dunking and it's kind of... It's called slamball. Uh... Look here's the thing. I'm not ready to give it up yet But no team is gonna give me a tryout Unless I prove that I'm healthy. So I thought this would ... I don't know.
Haley : You really think you can still play?
Nathan : I know I can.
Haley : And no one else will give you a tryout? Make that shot.
Nathan : Okay. Back up now and try it again. One more time.
*... when we got married * * there were things I never said *
Haley : They are crazy not to give you a tryout. Ugh. Go play slamball.
Nathan : Yeah?
Haley : Yeah. And this is officially a comeback Nathan Scott. * You know when a heart's in pain ** There's nobody... *
Brooke : So this is it. Check it out. * The only light under the doctor's knife * * is that we're the same * * hearts in hearts in hearts in *
Brooke : This is your room.
Sam : I've never had my own room before.
Brooke : No boys.
Sam : Yeah. * The battles you fight in the war of your life * * are hard to explain * * hearts in hearts in hearts in *
Brooke : I love you too P. Sawyer. * You know when a heart's in pain *
Peyton : Hi dad. How are you? No no no. Everything's okay. I just uh... I just want to tell you that i love you and thanks for being my dad. I miss you too. * to make this go away *
AT SCOTT'S HOUSE
Haley : Hey little man. You've been through a lot lately. How you doing?
Jamie : I have nightmares sometimes. I get scared.
Haley : You do? You want to know a secret?
Jamie : Sure.
Haley : So do I. Hey i have an idea. How about I sleep in here tonight Just in case I get scared?
Jamie : Okay. I'll protect you.
Haley : Oh! Okay.
Nathan : What if I get scared?
Jamie : I'll protect you too.
Nathan : My hero.
Jamie : Oh geez.
Nathan : Ohh.
Jamie : I didn't know it was gonna get that crowded!
ON THE ROAD
Lucas : So, what do you think of the book so far?
Mouth : Dude seriously. Quit asking me. I will throw this book out the window.
Lucas : That's the only signed one in the world. It's a collector's item. We'll always have Omaha, Mouth.
Mouth : You just said a Mouthful.
Lucas : Nice. | Plan: A: Lucas; Q: Who is surprised to see that the publishers have sent someone else to his book tour? A: the publishers; Q: Who sent someone else to the book tour instead of Lindsey? A: Nathan; Q: Who is given an opportunity to play basketball again? A: Haley; Q: Who tries to help a student in need? A: Brooke; Q: Who considers a life-changing proposition? A: his identity; Q: What do Peyton and Mick have a confrontation over? A: his dream girl; Q: What does Mouth give up his dream job for? A: Tree Hill; Q: Where do Mouth and Lucas drive home to? A: Suicidal Tendencies; Q: What band did the episode "Mouth" get its name from? Summary: Lucas leaves for his book tour, and is surprised to see that the publishers have sent someone else other than Lindsey. Nathan is given an opportunity to play basketball again, but not in a way he expects. Haley tries to help a student in need. Brooke considers a life-changing proposition. Peyton and Mick have a confrontation over his identity. The episode ends with Mouth giving up his dream job for his dream girl, and he and Lucas drive home to Tree Hill. This episode is named after a song by Suicidal Tendencies . |
Dawson: James Van Der Beek
Joey: Katie Holmes
Pacey: Joshua Jackson
Jen: Michelle Williams
Andie: Meredith Monroe
Jack: Kerr Smith
Grams: Mary Beth Peil
Bessie: Nina Repeta
Mitch: John Wesely Shipp
Gail: Mary-Margaret Humes
Gretchen: Sasha Alexander
[Pacey and Joey on the boat heading home]
Pacey: hey! Found us some dinner.
Joey: Ah, seafood. Great change of pace, pace.
Pacey: Was that a note of disgust I detected at our sustenance of the ocean born?
Joey: After this trip, if I never eat another thing that breathes through gills again, it'll be too soon. [Joey kisses him on the neck]
Pacey: So there she blows, huh? Capeside, Mass. Our first and last port of call.
Joey: Doesn't look much different than when we left it, does it?
Pacey: That's 'cause it isn't, Fraulein.
Joey: I'm in no more of a race than you are to get back there, but it's not like we have another choice in the matter.
Pacey: We don't have to go home. We survived for 3 months taking odd jobs. We can survive for as long as we want. As long as we're happy.
Joey: Pacey, if you're so serious about this, then why bring this up now... 2 hours from home?
Pacey: 12 hours from home. See, I think we should probably drop anchor here, have a bite to eat, and then we can debate whether or not to scrap this whole mission home.
Joey: No. I don't believe you Pacey Witter. As truant as your natural instincts may be, you'd never really suggest us skipping our senior year entirely.
Pacey: Just what would we be missing from the land of poorly scripted melodramas, huh? Recycled plot lines, tiresome self-realizations? [He's kissing her while he says this next part] You throw in the occasional downward spiral of a dear friend and maybe a baby here and a death there, and all you've really got is a recipe for some soul-sucking, mind-numbing ennui. And I, for one, can skip it.
Joey: You know what continues to amaze me?
Pacey: And what is that?
Joey: How long you've lasted without being thrown off this boat.
Pacey: Well, finally. That's something we can both agree upon.
[Camera pulls out and it shows Pacey and Joey jump off the side of the boat into the water at the same time]
[Cut to the beach with Jen, Jack, Dawson and Andie]
Jen: I'll kick out jack.
Jack: [Laughs] you'd kick me off the island before you'd kick off Andie?
Jen: Andie's very resourceful.
Andie: All right. Give it up for girl power.
Jack: Yeah. Ruthless alliance.
Jen: Oh, come on, Jack. It's not like we kicked you off first or anything. I mean, we already kicked off Grams.
Jack: Yeah. Well, that comparison just bathes me in relief.
[Dawson walks up from swimming]
Dawson: You guys should go in. The water's warm.
Andie: Yeah, right. And reapply the 20 minutes of lotion I just put on. No, thanks.
Jack: We gotta go. We gotta paint Mrs. Hammacott at 2:00.
Jen: Mm, sounds kinky.
Dawson: He means her house. It's our last one this season. And we still have an hour before we have to be there.
Jack: Yeah, but we gotta stop by the hardware store. We gotta get paint.
We gotta get some rollers.
Dawson: All right, well, hold on. It's our last beach day of the season. I want to get this on record.
Jen: Dawson, please. No pictures. I look awful.
Dawson: Well, now you'll look awful for posterity. Ready? 1...2...3.
Jen: Oh! Nice. Well, see you guys at the dive-in tonight.
Dawson: Yep.
Andie: Dawson, I hear they're playing jaws.
Dawson: Oh! Good. Never seen that one yet.
Andie: see you guys later.
Dawson: See ya. Bye.
Andie: Ooh! Cute boys, 2 o'clock.
Jen: Like it even matters.
Andie: Come on. One of us is single.
Jen: In theory. But in practice, Andie, let's face it. Your s*x life this summer has been an episode of abstinence in the city.
Andie: Well, is it my fault if this one-horse hamlet hasn't offered a suitable summer fling?
Jen: Oh, Andie, there are plenty of guys. Face it. You're just not bold enough to go up and talk to them.
Andie: And if you were in my shoes, you would.
Jen: Yes! I mean, come on, I think that my resume speaks for itself.
Andie: Fine. I'm gonna go talk to them. Ok. I am.
Jen: You go!
Andie: I am!
Jen: Well?
Andie: Well, I am just negotiating the proper approach.
Jen: Well, excuse me while I negotiate the proper approach to the snack bar. Scaredy-cat.
Andie: I am not.
Jen: Are so.
Andie: Am not!
Jen: Are so!
[Cuts to Pacey and Joey at the dock in Capeside unloading their stuff to head home]
Pacey: Boy. That's a little on the heavy side. Who's that one for?
Joey: Uh, my sister, I think. Is that everything?
Pacey: Yeah, for right now. I figured we'd just leave the rest on the boat and pick it up tomorrow.
Joey: Ok.
Pacey: Oh... Uh, before we leave, though, there is one other thing we should cover.
Joey: What's that?
Pacey: Well, they're gonna ask.
Joey: Who's gonna ask what?
Pacey: The masses. They're gonna ask what happened on the boat. This summer... Between you and I... You know... Sexually speaking.
Joey: No one cares, Pacey. Ok, maybe they care, but they're not gonna ask.
It's too crass.
Pacey: We live in a crass age.
Joey: Ok, so what are you gonna say?
Pacey: That really depends.
Joey: On?
Pacey: On what you're gonna say.
Joey: Well, I guess I'm going to say nothing because it's no one's business.
Pacey: That's good. "Nothing" sounds perfect.
Joey: Besides, they're not gonna ask.
Pacey: Oh, they'll ask.
[They reach the end of the dock and prepare to depart]
Pacey: Well... This is it. Last of our summer, and... I go left, you go right, and we spend the next whole 24 hours away from each other. If you're curious as to why I'm not currently in sadness, it's only because, to be perfectly honest, you were startin' to get on my nerves, Jo.
Joey: Oh. Good. Well, 'cause...You know, I... I'd hate to think that after all of our intimate talks, you were actually covering up your aching heart with false bravado.
Pacey: Well, put your mind at ease. Well, I guess I'll call you tomorrow, maybe?
Joey: Oh...If you think about it, sure.
Pacey: Ok.
[They begin to walk awa from each other then quickly turn back for an intimate kiss]
[Cut to Dawson in the hardware store looking at the paint rollers]
Gretchen: Excuse me. Do you know where the light bulbs are?
Dawson: Uh, usually up.
Gretchen: I meant which aisle.
Dawson: I'm sorry. I don't work here.
Gretchen: Lucky for management.
Dawson: Um...If it helps, I think they're on aisle 4-- Gretchen?
Gretchen: Dawson? Wow. Hi. How are you?
Dawson: I...I'M... Damp...At the moment.
Gretchen: And in the grander scheme of things? I sort of heard through the family about last spring. That. Uh
Dawson: ...I'm fine. I'm fine. And, uh, what about you? Still home from college for the summer?
Gretchen: A little bit longer than that. It's no biggie. I'm just, uh... Takin' time off.
Dawson: Ok. Well...At the risk of sounding trite, it's...It's nice to see you again.
Gretchen: At the risk of sounding redundant, it's nice to see you, too.
Damp and all.
[Both chuckle, Gretchen leaves and Jack approaches]
Jack: ok. I got the paint, you got the rollers. Who's the girl?
Dawson: Uh, what girl?
Jack: The...Girl you're gonna pretend to have no knowledge of until I annoy you with the question over and over again.
Dawson: That girl. Uh... Long story.
Jack: Good, 'cause we got the whole north side of Mrs.. Hancock's to paint.
[Cut to the B&B, Bessie and Joey are at the kitchen table talking]
Bessie: Joey: I can't believe you! I'm your sister. I'm entitled to know.
Joey: No. You're not.
Bessie: I'll rephrase. I'm your sister whom you ditched high and dry last June. I'm entitled to know.
Joey: Open your gift.
Bessie: A plant.
Joey: It's a Carolina jasmine. At night, if the wind hit right, we could smell them 2 miles out on the water.
Bessie: At night while you and Pacey were--
Joey: quit it. I haven't even unpacked yet.
[Joey picks up her back and heads to her room. She opens the door and shuts it real quick]
Bessie: Oh. Hey, Joey, wait.
Joey: Why is there an underwear-clad stranger in my bedroom?
Bessie: That's where he lives.
Joey: You rented out my room?
Bessie: Until Tuesday. Come over here. It's my turn to give you a gift. Our accounting book.
Joey: You're so kind.
Bessie: look at that number.
[The number in the book reads $17,240]
Joey: Bessie, I'm sorry. I didn't realize how difficult it would be.
Bessie: Joey, it has a plus next to it, not a minus. Welcome to one of the most successful bed-and-breakfasts in the state, Joey. We've doubled our rates, and we're still booked well through the fall.
Joey: Well, when I called, y-you never mentioned--
Bessie: I wanted it to be a surprise.
[Cuts to Andie talking to the two guys on the beach]
Andie: ..Hang out with my friends and help my brother with his numerous problems.
Jen: Hello.
Andie: Oh. Why, there you are, Jennifer. I was just chatting with the guys. I'd like you to meet jean and jean-jean.
Jen: Hmm. Hello...Jeans'.
Andie: They're French.
Jen: Get out of dodge.
Andie: And they're, uh, backpacking through the east coast for the summer.
Just stopped in Capeside yesterday.
Andie: Ohh! Tell me they are not adorable plus 10 times 10 to the 10th power.
Jen: Andie, they can hear you.
Andie: Doesn't matter. One of 'em barely speaks any English. The other one knows "hello," "good-bye," and the lyrics to an 'n sync song.
Jean: We would like very much for you to tour us the city.
Andie: We'd love to!
Jen: Um...Sorry, boys. I'm gonna have to catch up with you on the Riviera.
[Jen walks away]
Andie: Ok, Frenchies, let's go tour Capeside and any other terrain you're interested in covering.
[Cut to Pacey at Doug's apartment]
Pacey: It's a Florida snowman. Get it?
Doug: Notice my fits of laughter.
Pacey: So...Oh, yeah. How's my favorite couch been? You been keepin' it warm for me?
Doug: Well, you know, it's funny you should bring that up.
Pacey: Oh, come on, now. You're not gonna cast me out to the wolves, are you?
Doug: Ah, seems I have to. Somebody's already moved in. Sorry.
Pacey: Ah. You and Rupert finally decide to tie the knot?
Doug: I see 3 months on the water's done absolutely nothing to improve your sense of humor.
Pacey: Don't tell me this is a girl or something.
Doug: Well, yes. As a matter of fact, it is.
Pacey: Oh, well, that's just fantastic. Just as I need a place to sleep, you decide to get all hetero on me.
Doug: As much as I would love an end to your inaccurate comments regarding my sexuality, I assure you that this relationship is purely platonic.
Pacey: Good. Then I'm sure whoever miss mystery guest is couldn't possibly be as important as your baby bro, bro.
Doug: That's where you're wrong, 'cause she's equally important and...Equally related.
[Gretchen walks through the door, unaware Pacey is back]
Gretchen: Sorry I'm late, Doug. I stopped at the hardware store to get some light bulbs.
Pacey: Gretchen?
Gretchen: Ha ha! Welcome home loser. Come give your big sis a hug.
[Cuts to Joey walking up to Dawson's house. She slowly opens the front door and walks in. Nobody is home]
Joey: Hey. Hi. Hello? Hello. Mrs. Leery. Mr. Leery. Dawson?
[She heads up to Dawsons room. She looks around with a sad face. the room has changed drastically. All the movie posters are down and photographs of Jen, Andie and Jack are up]
[Jack and Dawson are painting the house]
Dawson: Gretchen was my first crush. I was, uh...10, 11, so she must've been, what, all of 13? I was spending the evening at the Witters' house, and Gretchen and 2 of her friends were out in the backyard. Pacey had the brilliant idea of water ballooning the whole lot of 'em. We went to work for about 2 hours, filling water balloons. By the time we'd gotten outside, Gretchen and her friends were already in their bathing suits.
They must've heard the plot through an open bathroom window. And, uh...Of course, Pacey decided to balloon 'em anyway. But I remember just...Staring. At Gretchen. Mm-hmm. You'd think I'd never seen a girl in a bathing suit before. It just... Hit me... Without warning, right then and there. And from then on, any money that would've formerly gone to... Baseball cards or action figures was now being spent on chocolates and $5.00 tulips that i would leave anonymously on Gretchen Witter's stoop. It wasn't till years later that I realized that my crush had been a running family joke.
Jack: Yeah, right. So what happened?
Dawson: Same thing that happens with all adolescent crushes. Absolutely nothing.
[Cut back to Pacey at Doug's apartment]
Pacey: I will simply not be replaced. It's too damaging to my fragile ego.
Gretchen: Oh, get over yourself.
Pacey: Why don't you get over yourself? Ok? Aren't you a college student or something?
Gretchen: It's called taking time off. Sure, it is.
Pacey: I'm the only other Witter that euphemism won't fool.
Gretchen: Mind your own business, little brother.
Pacey: Let go of my living quarters, and maybe I won't dig up whatever sordid mess that landed you in this remote corner of the world.
Doug: All right, all right. That's enough, you two. Now, Pacey, you currently have other living options. Gretchen does not.
Pacey: Thank you. Really. And what might those living options be, Dougie?
Doug: Well, for starters, there's your boat.
Pacey: Are you jokin'? I spent the last hundred days livin' on that thing.
Doug: Ok, fine. Kerry and the no-neck monsters are still at mom and dad's, but I believe there is a couch there. Am I wrong? Oh, no, you're not wrong. I'd just as soon take a cot on death row.
Gretchen: Hey, there's always the zoo.
Pacey: Down, Gretchzilla.
Doug: As usual, your level of maturity astounds. I know. Why don't you stay with Joey?
Pacey: What's that supposed to mean?
Doug: Well, you have a girlfriend now. I'm sure she'd be more than happy to set you up with a little bed... Or share hers.
Pacey: You know, honestly, I don't appreciate that suggestion or the tone that accompanies it.
Doug: You know, Gretchen's got a point. I mean, uh, if any place has extra rooms, it's a b&b.
Pacey: I'm not gonna impose upon that family.
Gretchen: Yeah. Why should you when you have your own to impose on?
Pacey: Ah, Gretchen. So good to have you home. Oh, no. Whoops. Silly me. I don't have a home anymore.
Gretchen: Hey, it pains me to see you this way. It really does. Pass the iced tea. Thanks.
[Cut to Jen's house. Joey and Jen are sitting at the kitchen table talking, Grams is at the sink doing dishes]
Jen: So football camp led to an unexpected scholarship at Hanover academy, and Henry and his parents decided that attending would double his college options, so next thing you know, I'm dating a guy who goes to boarding school 4 hours away.
Grams: They're doing what Jennifer terms "the long distance thing."
Jen: Which, ironically, grams disapproves of.
Grams: Youth is a time to be spent in the now, not pining away for a solitary weekend every other month or so.
Jen: Isn't there a pair of knitting needles calling your name somewhere?
Grams: I suppose they are. Good-bye, Josephine. Nice to have you back safe and sound.
Jen: Ok. Enough me. You're the one fresh from the world excursion. So?
Joey: We had the time of our lives. I honestly wouldn't even know where to begin talking about it.
Jen: Well, I'll help you out. Cut to the sordid stuff.
Joey: Jen.
Jen: Come on, Jo. I wouldn't be human if I didn't want to know. You and Pacey, alone on a boat for 3 months. Everybody's gonna ask.
Joey: We're not talking about it.
Jen: With my experience with that particular yes-or-no question, "no" means "no," and "we're not talking about it" means "we did it."
Joey: You got me. We did it... All day, all night, 24-7. Are you aware that there are at least 38 known differing sexual positions? And 42 if you're flexible enough.
Jen: Ok, it's none of my business.
Joey: Jen, how is everyone else doing?
Jen: Good. Yeah, everybody's good.
Joey: I should probably be going. I promised Bessie I'd help with dinner.
Jen: What--what are you doin' tonight? You and Pacey just layin' low?
Joey: No, we're not doing anything. We're taking our first official night off from each other.
Jen: Well, we are going to the dive-in. Why don't you join us?
Joey: I don't know that that's such a good idea.
Jen: 8:00, stupmuck cove, and I'll tell everybody that you'll be there.
Joey: Bye.
[Cut to Andie giving the French guys tours of Capeside]
Andie: And on your right we have a very historic building where many historic events occurred. Sorry. Hope i'm not boring you with all the specifics.
Jean: Oh, no, no. You're beautiful when you speak.
Andie: Well, stop! Ha ha! Uh, no, I didn't really mean "stop."
Jean: I am sorry. I don't understand.
Andie: Never mind. So, uh... he ever speak?
Jean: Eh, tu ne veux pas parler un petit--
Jean-Jean: non, je ne peux parler.
Jean: When he wants.
Andie: So...Anyway, uh, what's your town like?
Jean: I come from Paris. Have you been?
Andie: Oh...No, but i want to go desperately.
Jean: Why?
Andie: 'Cause it's the city of romance! It's...It's the city of love lost and found. It's degas and cezanne and monet and van gogh. I mean, even though i've never been there, it's like I know it better than my own home.
Jean-Jean: Elle connauT la ville si bien parce que c'est dans son coeur, non?
Andie: What'd he say?
Jean: He said you know it so well because it's in your heart.
Andie: Oh. [Chuckles]
[Cut to Dawson and Jen in Dawson's new dark room developing some pictures]
Dawson: So how'd she look?
Jen: Dawson.
Dawson: It's a question.
Jen: She looked great.
Dawson: Great. Great. You sure the light wasn't in your eyes? She didn't grow a hump or develop some hideous skin disorder or something?
Jen: Does this mean that you don't want to see her?
Dawson: Um...I didn't say that.
Jen: Good, because I invited her to come with us to the dive-in tonight.
Dawson: You... what? how very thoughtful of you.
Jen: Dawson, come on. You're gonna have to dispense with the awkward intros sooner or later, so why not--
Dawson: what happened to the natural progression of things? Hmm?
Jen: Joey naturally came over, and I naturally invited her. I don't know.
Dawson: So, is what's-his-name gonna be there?
Jen: Uh, no. No, they're takin' the night off. Which would make this the perfect opportunity for the two of you to have your inevitable Geneva conference where you decide to remain friends forever no matter what happens.
Dawson: Why are you so resolute about this?
Jen: I don't know. I guess it... Just in thinking back to the way everything went down last year, you know... How you found out and all, I--
Dawson: what, you feel responsible?
Jen: Yes, I do. Wouldn't you?
Dawson: Look, the only thing you're responsible for is helping me have arguably the best summer of my life.
[Dawson and Jen leave the dark room and walk into the living room. They find his parents making out on the couch]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Dawson: Ahem!
Mitch: Dawson.
Gayle: Jen.
Mitch: Dawson and Jen.
Dawson: Welcome to the Leery house where it's deja screw all over again.
Mitch: Well, uh, we were just, uh, goin' over the possible renovations for the home.
Gayle: You're dying on the vine, dear.
Jen: [Chuckling] later, Mrs.. Leery, Mr.. Leery.
[Jen leaves and Dawson stays downstairs. Mitch and Gayle go up the stairs]
Mitch: You, uh...Said you checked the rooms.
Gayle: I did.
Mitch: Mm-hmm. Well, you didn't check the darkroom.
Gayle: I didn't count the darkroom.
Mitch: From now on, the dark room counts.
[Cuts to Joey sitting on the end of her dock shucking corn. Pacey approaches]
Pacey: Guess who.
Joey: Mmm...Well, let's see... It can't possibly be my boyfriend. We're not supposed to see each other till tomorrow. He--he was growing sick of me.
Pacey: Yeah, that was before he found out he was homeless and needed to bum a couch for the night.
Joey: Hmm? Mmm. Try again. B&B's booked. I'm on the couch myself till Tuesday.
Pacey: Is it just me, or are you starting to get the distinct feeling that this town really didn't miss us all that much?
Joey: It's like the reverse of it's a wonderful life. Everyone's better off without us.
Pacey: Except for each other.
Pacey: So what do you want to do tonight? Want to grab some pizza, hang out on the boat? Or I was thinking maybe we could go catch a bad summer movie at the $1.50 theater. What do you say?
Joey: Well, uh... Actually, uh, Jen invited me to the dive-in.
Pacey: The dive-in. Everybody from school's gonna be at the dive-in. To be perfectly honest, I don't think I'm prepared for that quite yet. Were you gonna go without me?
Joey: We can just go together. I think it'd be fun... And...And healthy... You know, to see everyone.
Pacey: To see Dawson.
Joey: Yes...To see Dawson, which we've talked about, Pacey. And it's no secret that I'm anxious to get things squared away with him.
Pacey: No, it's no secret. And to be perfectly honest, look, I don't really care where we go or what we do as long as we do it together.
Joey: [Chuckles] thank you.
[Cuts to the beach at the Dive-In]
Andie: hey! You guys go on in. I'll be in in a second.
Jack: Ah. Looks like somebody found some new friends.
Dawson: Don't forget, Andie. It was the French who coined the term "menage a trois."
Andie: MeNage a I-don't-think-so. Besides, I only like the one who speaks English. The other one just stands there looking like a dolt.
Jen: So do you know if he's single yet?
Andie: I'm working on it. Give me an hour.
Jack: Unbelievable.
[Andie walks off and Dawson looks over and sees Joey and Pacey walking up to them on the beach. Pacey and Joey are holding hands]
Dawson: I thought you said he wasn't gonna be here, Jen.
Jen: He wasn't, Dawson.
Dawson: So why is he here, Jen?
Jen: Good question, Dawson.
[Cuts to Pacey and Joey, they realize Dawson has seen them and is not happy. Joey releases Pacey's hand]
Joey: [Sighs] maybe this wasn't such a good idea.
Pacey: Well, it wasn't my idea in the first place.
Joey: Do you think that... Um...
Pacey: That maybe I should go and get us something to drink while you go and say hi? Sure.
Joey: I mean, I just think it'll be easier.
Pacey: Yeah. No problem. I'll be back in a couple minutes.
Joey: Ok.
[Pacey, not to happy, leaves Joey there. Cuts back to Jen, Dawson and Jack]
Jen: Ok. Where are you going?
Dawson: To get a better seat. I don't mind seeing her, but I'm not going to go out of my way to talk to her.
Jen: Can't you go out of my way to talk to her?
Jack: You work him.
Jen: You work her.
[Jen goes after Dawson and Jack heads to greet Joey]
Jack: You got it. Joey, hey!
Joey: Hey!
Jack: What's up? How are you?
Joey: I'm good. How are you?
Jack: I'm good. Come on in.
Joey: Thanks.
Jack: It's good to see you.
Joey: Good to see you. Oh, someone's been lifting this summer.
Jack: Ah, yeah. Well, what else is there to do in this town, right?
Joey: So, where'd everyone go?
[Cut to Pacey. Gretchen is on the beach and sees him. She walks over to him]
Pacey: Uh... You know, it's one thing to usurp the couch, but it's quite another to come back here and best my social standing.
Gretchen: Do you want to take a walk?
Pacey: Yeah.
Gretchen: Do you hate me for taking your spot?
Pacey: Spot? Try "bed."
Gretchen: Hmm. You hate me.
Pacey: Marginally, yeah.
Gretchen: Well, retribution is yours. Doug wakes me up every morning at 7:00 dust-bustering the kitchen. It's like living with Felix Unger on crack.
Pacey: Well, you're hardly an innocent. Last we roomed together, you were known to blare rock music so loud small nations were kept up.
Gretchen: Not rock, Pacey. Soul. There's a difference.
Pacey: Yeah, there is a difference. Fans listen to rock music. Pretentious fans listen to soul music.
Gretchen: Is it possible you've actually grown more obnoxious over time?
Pacey: Well, it is the witter way.
Gretchen: Hmm. And somehow you still got the girl.
Pacey: Yes, I did. Who would've ever thunk me and Joey would end up together, huh?
Gretchen: Mmm...Me.
Pacey: You did not.
Gretchen: It didn't take Nostradamus to call it. I mean, look at your similarities. You're both classic underdogs. She's sassy and you're a legendary annoyance. She's beautiful and you're...Lucky.
Pacey: There is a compliment in there somewhere, right?
Gretchen: You're both lucky.
Pacey: Thank you. And what about you, Gretchen? Honestly. Why would you come back here?
Gretchen: I'm just, uh, taking a break. That's all.
Pacey: All right. Well, as they say in non-dysfunctional families, welcome home, Gretchen.
Gretchen: And, uh, speaking of home, I have a suggestion that I think you might find appealing.
Pacey: Yeah?
[Fades off Pacey and shows Jack and Joey sitting on a boat at the Dive-In. Jen and Dawson are off in the distance. Joey looks back at Dawson before talking to Jack]
Joey: Ask me a question.
Jack: I get it. It's the old, "let's make small talk until he comes over," right?
Joey: Precisely. Just ask me a question.
Jack: Actually, I do have a question.
Joey: Not that question.
Jack: Come on!
Joey: Jack!
Jack: I won't tell anybody. I swear.
[Cuts to Dawson and Jen]
Jen: She's doing the official "wait for Dawson to come over" thing.
Dawson: It looks to me more like the official "wait in vain for Dawson to come over" thing.
Jen: One more joke like that and I am really going to know how hard this is for you.
Dawson: It's not hard.
Jen: Come on.
Dawson: It's not. It's not easy, but it's not hard.
Jen: Well, whatever it is, why don't you just go get it over with?
Dawson: I'll do it, but it's just a highly predictable moment. I'm going to walk over there, Joey and I are gonna engage in some semi-casual conversation until the awkwardness overwhelms us both, and then we're just gonna part... Each of us surprised at how surprisingly painless the whole encounter surprisingly was.
Jen: Well then, surprise me and go on over there.
Dawson: All right.
[Dawson approaches Joey]
Dawson: Hey.
Joey: Hey.
Jack: Yeah. I'm gonna go find Jen.
Dawson: She's right over there.
Jack: Ok. Thanks.
Joey: So, how's it going?
Dawson: Uh, great. Great. It's going great.
Joey: How was your summer?
Dawson: Uh, it was brief but good. Yours?
Joey: Brief but good. You look great.
Dawson: Hey, you, too.
Joey: Thanks.
Dawson: You, too. Thanks.
Dawson and Joey at the same time: So, uh... School's Monday-- school's in-- yeah.
Joey: It's good to see you.
Dawson: It's good to see you, too.
[Dawson walks away. Joey has a sad look on her face. Dawson goes and leans against a wall. He doesn't look like it was easy]
Andie: Oh, uh, hold on a minute, guys. There's someone that I'm not quite ready to see yet. Uh... How do you say ex-boyfriend?
Jean: I understand.
Andie: So do you happen to be in a, um...
Jean: Her name is Nicole.
Andie: And I bet you're crazy about her, aren't you?
Jean: To borrow your words, she's monet, degas, ceézanne--
Andie: ok, I get the point. Of course he has a girlfriend. He's cute. He has an accent, and he tells me that I'm beautiful, so of course he has a girlfriend, right? I mean, you guys are all the same. It doesn't matter if you're French, American, English, German, Russian, French. What are you looking at?
Jean-Jean: A very rude girl.
Andie: Ok, you don't even know me, so-- uh... You don't speak English.
Jean-Jean: I have it on good authority that I do.
Andie: Ok, but you guys told me--
Jean-Jean: It was a joke. The name's J.J. Short for John-John, not jean-jean.
Andie: So that means that all day you--
Jean-Jean: understood every word you said.
Andie: Excusé Moi. I'm just gonna go drown myself.
[Cuts to Joey standing on the beach looking for Pacey]
Joey: There you are.
Pacey: And here we go.
Joey: What are you doing?
Pacey: Both of us a favor. Taking us home.
Joey: You don't even ask me if I want to go?
Pacey: Do I have to?
Joey: Maybe I'm having a fun time.
Pacey: If this is how you look when you're enjoying yourself, Jo, then you weren't having a very good time on the boat this summer, you never once looked like this.
Joey: And you never once behaved like this.
Pacey: And just how am I behaving?
Joey: I don't know yet. Currently I'm deciding between asinine, immature child and arrogant, infantile boyfriend.
Pacey: You know, I didn't want to come here in the first place.
Joey: Well, then, you shouldn't have come.
Pacey: Yeah. I guess you would have loved that, huh? Would have given you all the time in the world to square things away with Dawson. Those were your words, right? "Square things away"?
Joey: Pacey, dealing with Dawson is a reality for me. It's a reality for the both of us.
Pacey: The guy hates me, ok? I can't fix that.
Joey: Well, you could try.
Pacey: I don't want to!
Joey: I do, and I'm sorry if you have a problem with that!
Pacey: You're damn right I have a problem with that! You're not even unpacked yet and the first thing you think to do is--
Joey: look I can't help it if he's been on my mind, but it doesn't mean what you think it means.
Pacey: I don't know what it means. I don't care what it means. I've just watched you grow more and more preoccupied every day this week, and I'm tired of it. And it better stop.
Joey: You better watch who you're ordering around, Pacey. We're not on the boat and we haven't been for a day.
Pacey: Who are you kidding, Jo? Come on. You got off that boat long before the two of us did.
Joey: What is that supposed to mean?
Pacey: You're a smart girl, Jo. You can figure it out.
[Pacey walks off mad and leaves Joey standing there. Cuts to next scene. Joey is in the parking lot leaning against a car. Dawson sees her and approaches]
Dawson: Still here, huh?
Joey: Yeah. I was just thinking.
Dawson: A highly overrated activity, if you ask me. So, are you heading home?
Joey: Yeah.
Dawson: Do you need a ride?
Joey: I would like that, Dawson.
[Cut to Andie on the beach with the guys]
Jean: Andie, you were a wonderful host. If you come to Paris, you must look me up.
Andie: Ok. You have a deal, jean.
Jean: Excusem-moi.
Jean-Jean: That, um, goes for me, too, you know.
Andie: [Laughs] I can't believe after everything you heard me say that you'd still want to hang out with me.
Jean-Jean: Me either.
Andie: Ok, I think I liked you better before you spoke English.
Jean-Jean: There's a question in French. Y popular. The English translation, if I can remember correctly, goes something like this: Can I kiss you?
Andie: Oui.
[Cuts to Joey and Dawson getting out of the car at Joey's house. They walk up to the porch]
Joey: So, tell me about this newly acquired love of photography that seems to have sprung up in my absence.
Dawson: Uh, I picked it up over the summer. Didn't think I'd like it nearly as much as I have, but, you know, I guess that's the way it always is, huh?
Joey: What's that?
Dawson: You don't choose what you love, it chooses you.
Joey: Dawson, uh... I'm very sorry. I'm sorry for everything that happened last year and for doing what I had to do. I know how difficult it was and probably still must be.
Dawson: It wasn't easy... Thinking about the two of you together every day, every night.
Joey: You're actually the only person who hasn't dared ask the big question.
Dawson: I'm the only person the answer could potentially kill.
Joey: Wait here.
[Joey goes in the house and comes out with a box]
Joey: It's for you.
Dawson: Ok. Wow. It's my very own brick.
Joey: It's not just a brick. It's from Hemingway's home in the Keys.
Dawson: Ernest?
Joey: No. Frank. Of course Ernest.
Dawson: You know the guy shot himself, Jo.
Joey: Aside from that, I would like to offer it to you as a--
Dawson: please don't say "symbol."
Joey: As an emblematic artifact representing the foundation of-- of a new friendship.
Dawson: I feel like I'm at the ribbon-cutting of a new strip mall.
Joey: Quit joking.
Dawson: Truth is, Joey... It's gonna take a hell of a lot more than symbols for us to get back what we had, and right now I'm not even sure that I want to. We're just gonna have to take it one day at a time.
Joey: I know. [Joey begins walking into the house and Dawson walks towards his car. Just as she is about to go inside...] Hey, Dawson. For what it's worth, the answer to that question everyone's been asking? It wouldn't kill you.
[Joey goes inside and gets the car keys. She drives out to the boat to talk to Pacey.]
Joey: [Clears throat] Well, I've decided something, and it is perhaps the singularly most important thing that I've realized in the last 45 minutes, so I must share it with you. This town has far too many stoplights for somebody who's not very good at driving stick. I stalled 7 times coming over here.
Pacey: Too bad it wasn't 8.
Joey: I stalled 7 times and 6 out of the 7 times, do you know what I thought about? You. It's this secret thing I do whenever I get really pissed off or confused or angry or sad. I--I think of you, and I immediately feel good inside. I guess it's kind of like taking a good mood pill or something. And I swore to myself that I would never tell you that I did this, because it is so girly and stupid, and I just told you because... I needed to score major points for not explaining what went down tonight or where I've been the last week when I haven't been on this boat.
Pacey: Keep going.
Joey: Pacey... I wanted to see Dawson tonight not because for 4 months of my life he was my boyfriend, but because for the better part of my life he was my friend. And as my friend, I hurt him deeply. Living with that fact has caused me no small amount of guilt over the past 3 months. So, yes, I have been preoccupied, and it has made my mind wander. But... My heart? That's a fixed point. 3 months riding the open waters couldn't shake it, and I'll be damned if I'll let your insecurities shake it. My heart never left this boat. It's never left you. As far as I can see, it's not going to any time soon.
Pacey: Ok, you got me. I do want to know one thing, though.
Joey: What's that?
Pacey: I want to know what exactly it was you thought of the seventh time you stalled.
Joey: That I was never going to drive stick again.
Pacey: How very practical.
[They share a long kiss]
Joey: Hey, pace?
Pacey: Hmm?
Joey: Do you think we could do that thing that we do sometimes?
Pacey: You wanna do that thing?
Joey: Yeah.
[It cuts to the interior of the boat. They are each laying in their own hammock, setup bunk bed style. Pacey in the top one and Joey on the bottom one. They are reading a book to each other]
Joey: "The little mermaid could not take her eyes from the ship or from the beautiful prince. The colored lanterns had been extinguished. No more rockets rose in the air and the cannon had ceased firing. But the sea became restless and a moaning, grumbling sound could be heard beneath the waves." [She hands the book to Pacey to read]
Pacey: "After awhile, the sails were quickly unfurled, "and the noble ship continued her passage, "but soon the waves rose higher. "Heavy clouds darkened the sky "and lightning appeared in the distance. "A dreadful storm approaching. "Once more the sails were reefed "and the great ship pursued her flying course over the raging sea. "To the little mermaid, this appeared pleasant sport. Not so for the sailors." | Plan: A: Pacey and Joey; Q: Who refuses to discuss sex while on their trip? A: Pacey; Q: Whose sister moves in with Doug? A: Joey; Q: Who apologizes to Dawson for hurting him? A: "True Love; Q: What boat did Pacey and Joey return from their summer vacation on? A: Dawson's feelings; Q: What do Pacey and Joey have to deal with after returning from their summer vacation? A: the past few months; Q: How long has Dawson been hurt? A: Jen; Q: Who convinces Dawson to talk to Joey? A: Pacey's older sister; Q: Who is Gretchen? A: Capeside; Q: Where does Pacey's sister move to? A: his parents; Q: Who does Pacey refuse to live with anymore? A: death row; Q: Where does Pacey say he would rather sleep than with his parents? A: Jack; Q: Who does Dawson tell about his childhood crush on Gretchen? A: French; Q: What nationality are the two boys Andie is attracted to? A: their friendship; Q: What does Joey want to get back with Dawson? Summary: Pacey and Joey return from their summer vacation on "True Love". Now they have to deal with Dawson's feelings, who has been deeply hurt over the past few months. At first, he doesn't want to talk with either one of them, but Jen convinces him to talk to Joey. Meanwhile, Pacey's older sister, Gretchen, arrives in Capeside and moves in with Doug, making Pacey homeless. He refuses to live with his parents anymore (going so far as to declare that he would rather sleep on death row), and after exhausting all other options, ends up back on his boat. Dawson tells Jack about his childhood crush on Gretchen. Andie meets two French boys, and she is attracted to both of them. Joey apologizes for hurting Dawson, but he tells her he isn't sure if he wants their friendship back. Everybody is wondering if Pacey and Joey had sex while on their trip, but both refuse to discuss it. However, when Dawson asks the same question, Joey tells him the answer wouldn't kill him, confirming that she and Pacey have not yet slept together. |
MUSIC IN:
EXT. LOADING DOCK - DAY
(JEB LAUGHS B.G.)
HOBIE: I cannot believe they lost.
JEB: I can't believe you gave me six points. So what have you got for me today?
HOBIE: Just these drums here.
JEB: All righty, sweet cheeks.
(MUSIC OVER ACTION/HOBIE LOADS THE DRUMS ONTO THE TRUCK)
JEB: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! (MUSIC OVER ACTION/DRUM FALLS FROM THE TRUCK)
(JEB COUGHS B.G.)
HOBIE: Oh, man. I'm going to be cleaning up this mess for days!
JEB: What the hell is that?
(MUSIC UP AND OUT)
(THEME MUSIC UP OVER OPENING TITLE/SCENES/ CREDITS AND OUT)
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY
TONY: (INTO PHONE) No, the best thing is for you to do nothing. Okay, Agent McGee? Just secure the area and wait for us to get there. Okay. (TO KATE) Case Agent at Norfolk sounds pretty green. You look like hell.
KATE: A woman loves to hear that, Tony.
TONY: If you're coming down with something, don't sit next to me in the truck.
KATE: Oh, there's an upside to having a cold.
TONY: You want to tell the doctor about it?
GIBBS: Are you guys ready to go?
KATE: Uh... all set. Uh, yeah. And Ducky and Jackson are already on their way.
(SFX: COFFEE SPILLS)
KATE: Oh, God! Oh, god, I'm sorry. Uh... what do you put in your coffee?
GIBBS: Coffee.
KATE: Okay, I'll just go down the hall and get you another cup.
GIBBS: That's not coffee. I'll meet you in the truck.
(GIBBS WALKS O.S.)
TONY: I've never experienced Gibbs without his morning coffee. We're in uncharted waters here, Kate.
MUSICAL BRIDGE TO:
EXT. DOCK - DAY
DUCKY: Yeah, there are multiple purposes for hydrofluoric acid on a Naval Base. It's most commonly used to surface clean metal. It's highly corrosive, readily penetrates human skin, destroying soft tissue and decalcifying bone. And from the look of this fellow, I'd say he wasn't in that drum very long. I'd venture less than twenty four hours.
TONY: Worst case of acid indigestion I've ever seen.
GIBBS: Hey. Better get Michael Jackson out of here before he ralphs.
TONY: Come on, McGee. Help me take measurements for the sketches.
GIBBS: Was he wearing Cracker Jacks, Duck?
DUCKY: Yeah. Definitely enlisted. We're not going to get fingerprints, but on the left forearm - a bit of skin attached and some discoloration.
KATE: A birthmark?
DUCKY: Possibly. I'll be able to tell more when I get him home.
KATE: The Armed Forces DNA registry can get us a match.
GIBBS: They're backlogged. I wouldn't count on anything for at least forty eight hours.
(GIBBS WALKS TO MCGEE AND PICKS UP HIS BRIEFCASE/ WALKS O.S.)
MCGEE: I've heard stories about Special Agent Gibbs.
TONY: Only half of them are true. The trick is figuring out which half.
MUSICAL BRIDGE TO:
EXT. MAIN GATE - DAY
GIBBS: With inspection procedures as tight as they are, he was probably murdered on base.(PROTESTERS B.G.)
PEREZ: They didn't get him past us in the trunk of a car.
GIBBS: That means he had to be murdered by someone with clearance.
PEREZ: Yes, Sir.
GIBBS: Anyone reported missing?
PEREZ: We had a U.A. Seaman last week, but he was picked up at his home.
GIBBS: Whale huggers?
PEREZ: Yes, sir. They've been bugging us for weeks.
GIBBS: Why don't you just shoot them?
PEREZ: I've been tempted.
[SCENE_BREAK]
EXT. LOADING DOCK - NIGHT
GIBBS: We have to keep the crime scene under guard until it's released by Gibbs.
MCGEE: I'll let security know.
TONY: Gibbs wants NCIS to remain in control.
MCGEE: So I should stay here?
TONY: We'll get you relieved as soon as we can.
MCGEE: Okay.(DOOR OPENS/ CLOSES)
KATE: Why are you making him stay here?
TONY: Because I can.
KATE: That is a complete abuse of authority.
TONY: Lighten up. He's new. He expects to be abused. It goes with the territory.
KATE: This isn't pledge week at Sigma Chi, Tony.
TONY: I'll bet you were a lot of fun in college.
KATE: I was a lot of fun in college.
TONY: Really?
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. AUTOPSY ROOM - DAY
DUCKY: Fortunately, your facial bone structure is intact. With these photos, Abby will be able to build a computer model. Not a model you'd want on your mantle piece, but she'll do the best she can.
(DOORS OPEN)
JACKSON: Abby is getting Gibbs on the line.
DUCKY: Ah. Would you?
JACKSON: Sure.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. MCGEE'S OFFICE - DAY
ABBY: (ON MONITOR) Good morning, guys.(BEGIN TELEPHONE INTERCUTS)
GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Where's Ducky?
(SCENE CUT)
DUCKY: (INTO PHONE) Right here, Jethro.
GIBBS: (V.O./FILTERED) Have you got a name?
DUCKY: (INTO PHONE) Ah, we're good but we're not that good.
(SCENE CUT)
GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Well, what do you got that's good, Duck.
DUCKY: (FILTERED/ON MONITOR) Ah, death was from blunt force injury. (V.O.) There's a fracture to the rear of the skull.
GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) That's it?
DUCKY: (V.O./FILTERED) No.
(SCENE CUT)
DUCKY: (INTO PHONE) You remember that discoloration on the forearm we thought might be a...
(SCENE CUT)
DUCKY: (ON MONITOR)...birthmark? Well, it wasn't.
(SCENE CUT)
ABBY: (INTO PHONE) I digitally enhanced it. Watch.(SFX: COMPUTER BEEP TONES B.G.)
(SCENE CUT)
KATE: (INTO PHONE) It looks like a Rorschach test.
(SCENE CUT)
ABBY: (V.O.) It's part of a tattoo that was blurred by the acid.
TONY: (V.O./FILTERED) What is that?
ABBY: (INTO PHONE) That is the tail of a dolphin.
(SCENE CUT)
GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Our victim was a submariner.
DUCKY: (V.O./FILTERED) Well, that would be a good guess. You know, the history of...
(SCENE CUT)
DUCKY: (INTO PHONE) ...of tattooing is fascinating. Egyptian...(CONTINUES B.G.)....
(SCENE CUT)
GIBBS: How many subs in port?(DUCKY CONTINUES B.G.)
MCGEE: Um... I'm copied on the daily movement report.
DUCKY: (V.O./FILTERED) ... preserved mummy. A woman of thieves, yes, whose tomb indicates that she was...
TONY: Interesting filing system, McGee.(DUCKY CONTINUES B.G.)
MCGEE: Um... three Los Angeles class attack subs in port at the moment. Another in dry dock. There were five, but the Philadelphia left at zero six hundred.
GIBBS: Get me copies of the ship's alpha rosters.
MCGEE: I'm on it.
GIBBS: (V.O./FILTERED)...around the pelvic region below the naval. Now this non-representational geometric style of tattooing...
MUSICAL BRIDGE TO:
EXT. DOCK - DAY
GIBBS: What if the body was put into acid not only to dispose of it, but...
KATE: But to make certain that it couldn't be identified.
TONY: Maybe the murderer didn't want us to know the submariner was dead.
GIBBS: Maybe.
MCGEE: Agent Gibbs! The alpha rosters. Everyone on the sub crews is accounted for.
GIBBS: Including the Philadelphia?
MCGEE: Yes, Sir.
GIBBS: A submariner's dead, but none are missing. And the dead man's identity was removed. Someone took his place on one of those subs.
KATE: An imposter?
GIBBS: Let's pay a visit to the Submarine Squadron Commander.
MCGEE: You want to avoid Captain Veitch.
GIBBS: What?
MCGEE: Um... well, I met him once before. Um... and he can be very difficult.
GIBBS: And you don't think that I can be difficult?
MCGEE: Um... I'm sure you can, Sir.
MUSICAL BRIDGE TO:
INT. VEITCH'S OFFICE - DAY
VEITCH: You're telling me somebody killed one of my sub crew members to take his place?
GIBBS: I think it's a very real possibility.
VEITCH: Not on my watch, Agent Gibbs.
GIBBS: Can you take that chance, Captain? It would have to be someone new. Humor me.
VEITCH: All right. I'll beef up security around the boats in port. Have every new crew members I.D. card checked against their service record.
GIBBS: What about the Philadelphia?
VEITCH: She's a day out.
GIBBS: Maybe you should call her back.
VEITCH: Agent Gibbs, the Philadelphia is about to join a NATO exercise in the Atlantic. And your theory is highly speculative if not preposterous. I'm not about to bring her back.
GIBBS: Then send Special Agent Todd and me to rendezvous with her and interview the new crew members.
VEITCH: Well, the presence of a woman on board a submarine is a tremendous inconvenience. You know that.
GIBBS: I do.
VEITCH: Don't you have another agent that you can take with you?
GIBBS: I do. Kate, step out.
(KATE WALKS O.S.)
(DOOR OPENS/ CLOSES)
VEITCH: Glad you understand.
GIBBS: I don't.
VEITCH: Excuse me?
GIBBS: Don't tell me how to run an investigation. Yeah, I've got other agents who can do the job but none as well as Special Agent Todd. Formerly she was attached to the President's Secret Service detail. Trained as a profiler.
VEITCH: I don't care what she was trained for. She's a woman! And females cannot be deployed on a submarine!
MUSICAL BRIDGE TO:
EXT. OFFICE BUILDING - DAY
KATE: What is this, Victorian England? The men with their cigars and brandy, while the ladies sip tea in another room? I'm more qualified for this investigation than Tony. To replace me because I shave my legs and not my face is unconscionable and certainly not in the best interest of the case.
GIBBS: Are you claustrophobic?
KATE: No.
GIBBS: Good!
KATE: I'm going?
TONY: Don't forget to wax.
(MUSIC OUT)
MUSIC IN:
INT. COD - DAY
KATE: I think I'm more excited to dive on a nuclear sub than I was flying Air Force One.
GIBBS: See if you're still as excited by the time we get there.
(INTERCUT SCENE/ COD LANDS ON THE CARRIER)
AIR OFFICER: Special Agent Gibbs. Special Agent Todd. Welcome to the Enterprise. Sorry your stay's so short. Your helo's standing by.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. HELICOPTER - DAY
KATE: How do we get from the frigate to the submarine? Swim?
GIBBS: Close.
(INTERCUT SCENE/ HELICOPTER LANDS B.G.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. WHALE BOAT - DAY
KATE: I don't see a submarine.
(SUBMARINE BURSTS THROUGH THE WATER)
GIBBS: You see it now?
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. CONTROL ROOM - DAY
X.O.: (INTO MIC) Deck is clear. Hatch secured.
SKIPPER: Submerge the boat. Make depth two five zero feet.
X.O.: Submerge the boat. Make our depth two five zero feet. Chief of the Watch on the One M C. Dive! Dive! Dive! Dive! Dive!
(WARNING HORN B.G.)
(INTERCUT SCENE OF SUBMARINE SUBMERGING)
COB: (V.O.) ...five zero feet and passing.
SKIPPER: Welcome aboard the Philadelphia. I'm Commander Peters. This is my X.O., Lieutenant Commander Akron.
AKRON: Sir.
GIBBS: Special Agent Gibbs. Special Agent Todd.
AKRON: (V.O.) Can I help you with that, Ma'am?
KATE: No, I'm good.
SKIPPER: Why don't we go to the wardroom? X.O., take the Con.
X.O.: Aye aye, Skipper. COB, I have the Con.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. WARDROOM - DAY
SKIPPER: I've quarantined the five men as requested. They said you'd fill me in. Fill me in, Special Agent Gibbs.(DOOR OPENS)
GIBBS: One of those men may not be who he says he is.
SKIPPER: I find that hard to believe.
GIBBS: A body was found at Norfolk. It was made unidentifiable, possibly on purpose. We have good reason to believe that he was a submariner.
KATE: Fifteen of your crew are new. Four have been eliminated by dental x-rays. Six can be ruled out because of ethnic origin or body type.
SKIPPER: So that's it? Your conclusions are based on suppositions?
GIBBS: Strong suppositions.
SKIPPER: I interviewed every one of those men when they boarded and examined their personnel files before they ever set foot on this boat.
GIBBS: We'd like that same opportunity, Skipper.
SKIPPER: You'll get your interviews, Agent Gibbs, but you need to understand this boat's about to commence an A-S-W exercise.
GIBBS: Anti-Submarine Warfare. An enemy sub tries to infiltrate the carrier battle group.
SKIPPER: We're tasked with intercepting and destroying it... theoretically, anyway.
KATE: One of our subs plays the enemy?
SKIPPER: The Augusta. Her Skipper and I have a bottle of Stoli riding on who wins. So you can see why I want those five men back at their duty stations, A-SAP.
GIBBS: Well, we have a better reason keeping one of those men out of their duty stations, Skipper. I'd like the COB for security purposes to keep the men from talking to each other.
SKIPPER: That's affirmative.
(DOOR OPENS/ CLOSES)
GIBBS: COB. Chief of the Boat.
KATE: Thank you.
GIBBS: You're welcome.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. NCIS LAB - DAY
(SFX: MUSIC PLAYS B.G.)
DUCKY: Ah, it's coming along.
ABBY: Yeah. It looks like he's going to be kind of a hunk. He's got a good strong chin.
DUCKY: I agree. Sort of Cary Grant-ish.
ABBY: I was thinking more Hugh Grant-ish.
DUCKY: Any luck with his stomach contents?
ABBY: Well, there's good news and bad news.
DUCKY: I hate it when you play this game, Abby. All right, let's get it over with.
ABBY: His last meal was a Big Mac and fries.
DUCKY: Probably half the base had that for lunch. I was hoping you'd come up with something a little more exotic. Tandoori, perhaps. And the good news?
ABBY: I know what's in the Special Sauce.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. WARDROOM - DAY
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
GIBBS: Enter.
(DOOR OPENS)
GIBBS: Petty Officer Drew.
DREW: Yes, Sir.
GIBBS: Have a seat.
DREW: Yes, Sir.
KATE: Would you give us your right thumb print, please?
GIBBS: That would be your other right thumb, Petty Officer.
DREW: Oh. Sorry, Sir. I'm a little nervous.
GIBBS: It says here you're from Boston.
DREW: South Boston actually, Sir.
GIBBS: There is a difference?
DREW: Well, if you're from Boston there is.
GIBBS: You just joined the ship from the...
DREW: The Topeka, Sir. S-S-N Seven Fifty Four out of San Diego.
KATE: Did you request sonar?
DREW: Yes, Ma'am. I talked to the recruiter about it. I've always been into electronics. I built my own guitar amp when I was a kid.
(PASSAGE OF TIME)
GIBBS: You enlisted when you were nineteen, Petty Officer Thompson?
THOMPSON: Right out of high school, Sir.
KATE: Nineteen? That's old to graduate high school.
THOMPSON: I got Mono. I was home my junior year. They put me back. May I ask what this is about?
GIBBS: No.
KATE: I need your thumb print, please.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. BERTHING - DAY
DREW: What'd they ask you?
THOMPSON: Stupid stuff. About my high school...
COB: Thompson! You heard the man. There is no discussing your interview!
THOMPSON: Aye aye, COB.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. WARDROOM - DAY
GIBBS: Petty Officer Thompson was lying about graduating high school at nineteen.
KATE: He paused and looked to his left. Usually means the response is fabricated. If he would have looked to his right, he'd be recalling a memory.
GIBBS: (OVERLAP) A memory.
KATE: You've had profile training.
GIBBS: What I have had is about a thousand interviews. After awhile you start picking up on things.
KATE: Why would Thompson lie about his age?
GIBBS: I don't know. Why did Seaman Riggs lie about being married? Why did Petty Officer Drew lie about a year in college?
KATE: Well, maybe Riggs is secretly married and Drew never finished a full year.
GIBBS: Everybody has something to lie about....which means we have nothing.
MUSICAL BRIDGE TO:
INT. CONTROL ROOM
SKIPPER: Sonar, still no sign of Augusta?
SONAR: No joy, Sir.
SKIPPER: Let's come about for another pass.
SONAR: Aye aye, Sir.
SKIPPER: I understand you've completed your interviews.
GIBBS: For now.
SKIPPER: I need them at their duty stations.
GIBBS: I'm concerned about the safety of your boat, Skipper.
SKIPPER: Your concern will be noted. XO, have the COB return the men to duty.
X.O.: Aye aye, Skipper.
GIBBS: How could someone harm this boat from the inside?
SKIPPER: We're vulnerable to any number of things. Chlorine introduced to the recirculated air could be fatal to the crew. Salt water in the battery compartment could cause an explosion. The missiles and torpedoes are obvious dangers. I could go on, but what's the point?
GIBBS: The point is one of those men may be an intruder.
SKIPPER: I don't believe that to be the case. I trust every man on this crew. I'll make arrangements to get you back to the carrier.
GIBBS: We'll leave, Skipper, when we're done. Not before.
MUSICAL BRIDGE TO:
INT. NCIS LAB - DAY
DUCKY: You were right, Abby. He's quite a handsome fellow.
ABBY: Yeah, unfortunately he doesn't look like any of the guys that Gibbs suspects.
DUCKY: Could our leader's golden gut be wrong this time?
ABBY: I've got to email this dude to Tony and see if anyone at Norfolk recognizes him.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. MCGEE'S OFFICE - DAY
ABBY: (V.O./FILTERED) Do you see it yet?(SFX: BEEP TONE)
(BEGIN TELEPHONE INTERCUTS)
TONY: (INTO PHONE) Yeah, it's coming through.
(SCENE CUT)
ABBY: (INTO PHONE) So are you getting lonely down there by yourself, hon?
(SCENE CUT)
TONY: (INTO PHONE) Oh, I'm not alone. I'm with Special Agent McGee. Say hello.
ABBY: (V.O./FILTERED) Hey McGee. How's your Sig hanging?
MCGEE: (INTO PHONE) Uh...
TONY: (INTO PHONE) Gotta go, Ab.(END TELEPHONE INTERCUTS)
MCGEE: What's she look like?
TONY: Who?
MCGEE: Abby. She sounds cute.
TONY: Not your type.
MCGEE: Well how do you know that?
TONY: Have you ever had the slightest urge to tattoo your buttocks, McGee?
MCGEE: I don't think so.
TONY: Then we need never speak of her again. Make copies and circulate them around the base. See if anyone recognizes the guy.
MUSICAL BRIDGE TO:
INT. CONTROL ROOM - DAY
DREW: I've acquired a target, Sir!
X.O.: Distance?
DREW: Six thousand one hundred yards.
X.O.: Bearing?
DREW: Zero three five relative.
X.O.: Depth?
DREW: Four hundred and fifty feet.
SKIPPER: Helm steer zero nine five. Fifteen degrees down bubble.
COB: Aye aye, Sir. Helm, zero nine five. Fifteen degrees down bubble.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. WARDROOM - DAY
KATE: The fingerprints we took match those in their service records. If there's an imposter, it's not one of the five we interviewed.
GIBBS: It has to be.
KATE: What if he's on another boat?
GIBBS: This is the one that makes sense. The killer didn't just dump the body, he removed identifying features in case it was found. If it were found he knew it'd take between twenty four and forty eight hours for AFDIL to make a DNA match.
KATE: Whatever he was planning to do, it was going to be in that time frame.
GIBBS: In that time frame the Philadelphia was the only boat going out. Where'd you get the records?
KATE: Personnel office at Norfolk.
GIBBS: What if someone altered the service record before we or Commander Peters got it?
KATE: Meaning that the imposter worked in the personnel office.
GIBBS: Or has an accomplice.
(MUSIC OUT)
MUSIC IN:
INT. CONTROL ROOM - DAY
DREW: Sonar signature looks like the Augusta! Six thousand one hundred yards.
X.O.: Target bearing?
DREW: Still zero three five relative. We're in his baffles, Skipper.
SKIPPER: Range?
DREW: Six thousand yards and closing, Skipper.
SKIPPER: I've got you, Jimmy!
GIBBS: I need to contact NCIS headquarters now!
DREW: (V.O.) Range to target five thousand eight hundred and closing.
SKIPPER: No can do, Agent Gibbs. I'm about to win a bottle of Stoli. WEPS, get me a firing solution.
GIBBS: Your bottle of vodka is going to have to wait, Skipper. I need to talk to headquarters now!
SKIPPER: We'd have to break contact and go to periscope depth.
GIBBS: Whatever it takes.
SKIPPER: I am not terminating this exercise so you can have a chat with the folks back home.
GIBBS: Let me give this to you straight, Skipper. There's a threat on this boat. It's a real threat. It's not a game.
SKIPPER: X.O.
X.O.: Sir.
SKIPPER: Make your depth one five zero feet. Sonar, see if you can hang onto it. Take us up to periscope depth.
X.O.: Aye aye, Sir. Go depth one five zero feet. Slow to all ahead two thirds. Stand by to go to periscope depth.
SKIPPER: I'll give you two minutes, Special Agent Gibbs.
(INTERCUT SCENE OF SUBMARINE PERISCOPE)
SKIPPER: They're patching through to your man. Two minutes.
MUSICAL BRIDGE TO:
INT. TORPEDO ROOM
THOMPSON: COB, why did we stop the attack on the Augusta?
COB: Cops had to make a phone call.
THOMPSON: That's got something to do with them interrogating us, doesn't it?
COB: Now why would you think that, Petty Officer?
MUSICAL BRIDGE TO:
INT. MCGEE'S OFFICE - DAY
(SFX: PHONE RINGS)
TONY: (INTO PHONE) DiNozzo.(BEGIN TELEPHONE INTERCUTS)
(SCENE CUT)
GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Tony.
(SCENE CUT)
TONY: (INTO PHONE) Hi, Boss. Did you find the guy?
GIBBS: (V.O./FILTERED) No. Could be any one of our five.
TONY: (INTO PHONE) What's your famous gut saying?
(SCENE CUT)
GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) I need you to find out who had access to the Philadelphia service records.
(SCENE CUT)
TONY: (INTO PHONE) You think they were altered?
(SCENE CUT)
GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Good guess.
(SCENE CUT)
TONY: (INTO PHONE) It wasn't a guess.
(SCENE CUT)
GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Then why'd you ask?
(SCENE CUT)
TONY: (INTO PHONE) I didn't ask you. It was a... definitive statement.
(END TELEPHONE INTERCUTS)
MUSICAL BRIDGE TO:
INT. NCIS LAB - DAY
DUCKY: I have good news and bad news, Abby.(DOOR OPENS)
ABBY: Ah, I hate payback!
DUCKY: Which first?
ABBY: Bad.
DUCKY: No DNA matches on our victim. The AFDIL computers are still down.
ABBY: Okay. Good.
DUCKY: I know why Hugh Grant didn't match any of the photos.
ABBY: Okay, you got your payback. Tell me why.
DUCKY: Gibbs thinks one of the service records was altered.
ABBY: So all of this was a waste of time?
DUCKY: Au contraire. All we have to do is get photos of those five crew members from an independent source.
ABBY: That'll take longer than a DNA match.
DUCKY: I have photographs of every cricket team I ever played on from second form all the way through to the upper sixth. You see in our last year we made the division finals. Grant you I was only on the reserve.
ABBY: I just know that there's a point here somewhere.
DUCKY: All ships have a crew photograph.
ABBY: Yes. Yes! Yes! I'll download crew photos from websites of the five suspect's previous deployments!
DUCKY: You should have seen me in my whites. I was rather handsome even if I do say so myself.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. PERSONNEL BUILDING
CONNORS: (V.O.) When a sailor reports to Norfolk, we download their service file, (ON CAMERA) update it if necessary and make a hard copy for the sailor's command.
TONY: You update their photos?
CONNORS: Only on re-enlistments and significant promotions. Most updates are performance evaluations, awards, marital status...
TONY: So your department can change anything in a service record?
CONNORS: Yes.
TONY: Fingerprints?
CONNORS: We could. But why would we?
TONY: Who handles Submarine Command?
CONNORS: Everyone. We don't assign work based on specific commands.
TONY: About how many people work here, Lieutenant?
CONNORS: Four officers, twelve enlisted and forty seven civilians.
TONY: That's a lot of people.
CONNORS: They don't think so. We've been swamped since Iraq with all the transfers in and out of here.
TONY: So you wouldn't know who handled crew replacement for a specific ship?
CONNORS: No, but I could ask. They might remember.
TONY: They might remember but I don't think they'd tell us.
CONNORS: Why not?
TONY: I promise to tell you some day. Can I have a copy of your personnel roster?
CONNORS: As long as you keep your promise. Josie, I need a copy of our personnel roster.
JOSIE: (V.O.) Right away, Lieutenant.
MCGEE: Uh, Sir?
TONY: Yeah.
MCGEE: May I ask the Lieutenant a question?
TONY: Micky, you don't need my permission to ask a question as long as you're not asking her on a date.
MCGEE: No, Sir. Not my type.
TONY: Lieutenant, Special Agent McGee has a question. (TO MCGEE) McGee?
MCGEE: Uh...I was just wondering if anyone had quit in the last few days.
CONNORS: As a matter of fact, Joshua Fox quit two days ago.
TONY: How long did he work here?
CONNORS: A little over a year. He transferred into personnel a month ago.
TONY: Could you get us his address?
CONNORS: Thanks. It's on the roster.
TONY: Thank you. You're learning, McGee.
MCGEE: Thank you, Sir.
MUSICAL BRIDGE TO:
INT. CONTROL ROOM
X.O.: Anything?
DREW: No, Sir. I can't find him.
X.O.: Damn NCIS.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. WARDROOM - DAY
GIBBS: Drink.
KATE: What's with all the water?
GIBBS: Oh, you've got to hydrate on a submarine.
KATE: All you've had me doing is hydrating.
GIBBS: Drink it. (LONG BEAT) So how's your bladder?
KATE: What?!
GIBBS: The COB's at the end of the passageway trying to keep an eye on us. You've got to distract him. You're gonna need help working the toilet.
KATE: Gibbs...
GIBBS: Trust me, Kate. On a submarine, it's a very complicated mechanism.
KATE: Is that why you've been shoving water down my throat for the past hour?
GIBBS: I want to check out Petty Officer Thompson.
KATE: Yeah, well you don't have to drown me. You could just ask.
GIBBS: Hydrating's good for you. Go on, unhydrate.
(DOOR CLOSES/ OPENS)
KATE: I've never heard it called that before.
GIBBS: Go on!
MUSICAL BRIDGE TO:
INT. PASSAGEWAY - DAY
KATE: Commander Peters said I could use the facilities is his quarters, COB.
COB: Yes, Ma'am. This way.(DOOR OPENS)
MUSICAL BRIDGE TO:
EXT. JOSHUA FOX'S HOUSE
(CAR BRAKES TO A STOP)
(MUSIC OVER ACTION/TONY AND MCGEE APPROACH THE HOUSE)
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
TONY: Well, either no one's home or not answering.
MCGEE: What should we do?
TONY: Get inside, look around.
MCGEE: We'll need a Command Search Authorization. This is civilian property, Sir. We'll have to go to a local judge to get a search warrant. (TELEPHONE BEEP TONES)
TONY: Or play football.
MCGEE: Huh?
TONY: Go deep. Go deep! Oh, look at him! He breaks free! Go man, go! He's looking for McGee! It's a play action to attack and even to balk and he can't find McGee! He's covered! He's in the open! He's broken clear!
(SFX: GLASS BREAKS)
TONY: He's still got it.
MCGEE: That's breaking and entering.
TONY: No.(SFX: GLASS BREAKS)
TONY: No, that was breaking. This is entering.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. TORPEDO ROOM
THOMPSON: We're going to need a torque wrench.
SEAMAN: I'll get it.
GIBBS: You trouble me, Thompson.
THOMPSON: How's that, Sir?
GIBBS: I don't think you were completely honest with us.
THOMPSON: Yes, I was.
GIBBS: I think you lied about high school. Why would you do that?
THOMPSON: The truth, Sir?
GIBBS: Oh, yeah. That's always the best.
THOMPSON: I missed a year of high school 'cause I was in juvenile detention. My record was expunged but I was afraid if the Navy found out, I'd never see the inside of a sub.
COB: Agent Gibbs. You were asked to stay in the wardroom. (TO THOMPSON) You can go back to work, Petty Officer.
THOMPSON: Aye aye, COB.
MUSICAL BRIDGE TO:
INT. WARDROOM
(DOOR OPENS)
GIBBS: (WHISPERS) Busted!
(DOOR CLOSES)
COB: I didn't appreciate that little stunt
GIBBS: Ah, cut us a little slack. No harm no foul.
COB: No, Sir. The Skipper's cooperated with you every step of the way.
GIBBS: Chief of the Boat knows the crew better than the Skipper. Are you bothered by any of the men we questioned?
COB: You've only been out one day, Agent Gibbs. I make it a practice not making snap judgments.
KATE: It could be something little. Seemingly inconsequential.
GIBBS: Do you get a strange vibration about any of them?
COB: No, but if I do get any vibrations, it'll come to you through the Skipper.
(COB WALKS O.S.)
(DOOR OPENS/ CLOSES)
KATE: Do people react that way because we're NCIS or do you just have that affect on them?
GIBBS: I'd like to think it's me.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. NCIS LAB - DAY
ABBY: I downloaded crew photos from the ships our suspects served on and I got nada. No one looks like him in any of them. I don't know what to do now?
DUCKY: Absent a miracle, we'll just have to wait for the DNA report.
MUSICAL BRIDGE TO:
INT. JOSHUA FOX'S HOUSE - DAY
(MUSIC OVER ACTION/TONY LOOKS AROUND THE CABIN)
TONY: I don't think this guy's ever cooked in his kitchen. No plates, no utensils, nothing.
MCGEE: It's all store bought junk. There's not one personal item here. Not even a phone.
TONY: Well, maybe he used his cell phone. What's that?
MCGEE: It's a DSL line. It's running from this jack to...under the bookcase.
TONY: All right, slide this toward you on three. One, two, three.
(SFX: BOOKCASE SLIDES)
(MUSIC OVER ACTION/TONY KICKS OPEN THE DOOR)
(CAMERA PANS AROUND THE ROOM)
(MUSIC OUT)
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. JOSHUA FOX'S HOUSE - DAY
(SFX: WATER SPLASHES ON COMPUTER)
TONY: I guess "flying toasters" would have been too much to ask for.
MCGEE: Let's see what we have here.
(SFX: RAPID KEYBOARDING)
TONY: You've taken computer classes.
MCGEE: Masters in computer forensics, MIT.
TONY: I see.
MCGEE: Well, he's definitely an eco-terrorist. He's looking for retribution for the whales.
(SFX: RAPID BEEP TONES)
MCGEE: Oh, this isn't good.
TONY: What?
MCGEE: Isopropyl methylphosphonofluoridate. (BEAT) B.S. in Bio-medical Engineering, Johns Hopkins. You?
TONY: Ohio State, Phys Ed. I was a jock. What is that in my language?
MCGEE: Sarin gas. He's planning to introduce it into a submarine's air conditioning system. Doesn't say how.
TONY: It wouldn't take a lot, would it?
MCGEE: Must have been a prototype.
TONY: If it was filled with Sarin gas, and distributed through the air system?
MCGEE: It could kill the entire crew.
MUSICAL BRIDGE TO:
INT. CONTROL ROOM - DAY
X.O.: (V.O.) Skipper, we have an incoming Emergency Action Message on the low frequency receiver, Sir.
SKIPPER: (READS) Imposter on board. No I.D. Threat of Sarin gas to air conditioning system. Take immediate action. (TO COB) Have engineering shut down the air conditioning system and tear it apart. And get those agents up here now!
COB: Aye aye, Sir.
SKIPPER: Surface! Surface! Surface! Emergency blow!
X.O.: Surface! Surface! Surface! Emergency blow!
SEAMAN: (V.O.) Emergency blow. Surface aye!
MUSICAL BRIDGE TO:
INT. PASSAGEWAY
KATE: What's happening?!
GIBBS: Emergency blow.(SFX: WARNING HORNS B.G.)
COB: Skipper wants you.(DOOR OPENS)
GIBBS: Hang on a moment.
(INTERCUT SCENE OF SUBMARINE BURSTING FROM THE WATER)
KATE: Wow.
GIBBS: Yep. That's what they all tell me.
MUSICAL BRIDGE TO:
INT. NCIS LAB - DAY
ABBY: I remembered that I was absent the day the Science Club took our picture. And that made me think what if one of the five missed his crew picture? Petty Officer Drew. He was absent the day the Topeka took their photo.
DUCKY: Where'd you get this picture?
ABBY: I downloaded it off the sub's online newsletter. Drew is a Sonar Operator on the Philadelphia.
DUCKY: No, he's not. He's in my cold storage. Someone else is sitting at his sonar station.
MUSICAL BRIDGE TO:
INT. CONTROL ROOM - DAY
DREW: Sir, request permission to make a head call.
COB: Emergency blow loosen you up, Petty Officer Drew? All right. Martin, relieve Drew.
SKIPPER: Open all hatches. Break out emergency breathing gear.
X.O.: Aye aye, Sir. Open all hatches. Break out emergency breathing gear.
SEAMAN: (V.O.) Aye, Sir. Ensign, one M-C all emergency...
SKIPPER: Any idea who the hell he is?
GIBBS: We're working on it.
X.O.: Skipper, we've got another EAM coming in, Sir.
SKIPPER: Where is Petty Officer Drew?
COB: He had to visit the head, Sir.
MUSICAL BRIDGE TO:
INT. CREW BERTHING - DAY
(SFX: CURTAINS OPEN)
(CAMERA ANGLE CLOSE ON DREW)
[SCENE_BREAK]
EXT. JOSHUA FOX'S HOUSE - DAY
TONY: (INTO PHONE) Hey, we matched the prints you faxed. Former Petty Officer Second, Sean Travis.(BEGIN TELEPHONE INTERCUTS)
(SCENE CUT)
GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Sonar operator.
TONY: (V.O./FILTERED) That's right.
(SCENE CUT)
TONY: (INTO PHONE) Spent a couple tours on attack subs before he was dishonorably discharged.
(SCENE CUT)
KATE: (INTO PHONE) Was he hooked up with the protesters outside the gates?
TONY: (V.O./FILTERED) FBI's checking that. But they think he and Joshua Fox...
(SCENE CUT)
TONY: (INTO PHONE) ...were part of some small three or four man cell of radical eco-whale freaks.
(SCENE CUT)
GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Did you get Fox and the rest of them?
(SCENE CUT)
TONY: (INTO PHONE) Not yet. What's going on down there?
(SCENE CUT)
KATE: (INTO PHONE) We're on the surface.
(GIBBS SETS DOWN THE HEADSET)
(SCENE CUT)
TONY: (INTO PHONE) I guess Gibbs hung up.
(SCENE CUT)
KATE: (INTO PHONE) Good guess.(END TELEPHONE INTERCUTS)
MUSICAL BRIDGE TO:
INT. CONTROL ROOM
X.O.: Secure from emergency breathing.
SKIPPER: Engineering's gone through the air conditioning system. It looks like he never got his canister into it.
GIBBS: It's somewhere on this boat.
SKIPPER: We'll search. But if it's as small as you say it is, it could be hidden just about anywhere.
GIBBS: If the canister remains sealed, it shouldn't be a problem.
SKIPPER: We'll tear the boat apart if we have to when we get to Norfolk. XO, prepare to dive.
X.O.: Aye aye, Sir.
KATE: We're going back down?
SKIPPER: We're fifteen knots faster submerged than on the surface.
GIBBS: I'd leave the air conditioning system offline as a precaution.
SKIPPER: I fully intend to. It's going to get hot in here.
GIBBS: Ah, we're used to taking heat.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. NCIS LAB - DAY
ABBY: Huh --
TONY: Hi, Abby. While the boss is away, huh?(MUSIC B.G.)
ABBY: I earned my paycheck today.
TONY: Oh, that's what I heard. Exhibit A. Any idea how it works?
ABBY: So what's agent McGee like?
TONY: Ah, like most newbies. Quiet, green, gullible.
ABBY: Bi?
TONY: I don't think so.
ABBY: No, Tony. The canister. There's a funny metal trigger.
TONY: Ah. Yeah. So it's turned on by either....either what?
ABBY: Hot or cold.
(SFX: WIND/BEEP TONES B.G.)
ABBY: This one digs cold. When the temperature drops below 5 degrees centigrade, the trigger releases whatever's in the canister. What is in the canister?
TONY: Sarin gas.
ABBY: Nasty.
TONY: Hmm. So what's cold enough to trigger it on a sub?
ABBY: Fridge, freezer, air conditioner. Is Agent McGee cute?
TONY: Can a guy be cute to you without body armor?
ABBY: Sure. I'm not a snob.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. WARDROOM - DAY
KATE: How can you drink coffee when it's a hundred degrees?
GIBBS: It helps me think.
KATE: What's bugging you?
GIBBS: Travis not releasing the Sarin.
KATE: He never had a chance. He was quarantined or on duty until the air conditioning system was shut down.
GIBBS: What was his back up plan? He would have had one.
KATE: What makes you so sure?
GIBBS: This whack job knew he was going to die as soon as he released the gas. Why commit suicide before he could do it?
KATE: He knew we were onto him. I mean, like you said, he was a whacko.
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
GIBBS: Yeah. Enter.(DOOR OPENS)
MESS SPECIALIST: Courtesy of the Skipper, Sir, Ma'am. There's rocky road, cookies and cream, chocolate, butter pecan, and the Captain's personal favorite, pumpkin.
GIBBS: Pumpkin?
KATE: Do you think we have enough, Steward?
MESS SPECIALIST: There's about forty gallons more in the galley, Ma'am. Might as well eat it before it melts.
KATE: I don't get it.
GIBBS: Had to make room in the freezer for the body.
KATE: Nice.
MESS SPECIALIST: It's the only place to preserve it, Ma'am. SOP on a sub.
(DOOR CLOSES)
KATE: (BEAT) What?
GIBBS: Anyone who's served on a sub knows that. Travis didn't commit suicide to give up. (DOOR OPENS)
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. CORRIDOR - DAY
GIBBS: Suicide was his backup plan. Where's the freezer, COB?
COB: Loading door right here, Sir. Right there.
(DOOR OPENS)
GIBBS: The b*st*rd booby-trapped himself. Once he knew that he couldn't get in the cooling system, he went to his backup plan before we could arrest him.
KATE: The Sarin gas canister was designed to be triggered by cold. Travis knew that if he died, you'd put him in the freezer.
COB: You mean he swallowed the canister?
KATE: Yeah.
GIBBS: If his core temperature gets to the trigger temperature, the gas will be released.
KATE: It already has!
GIBBS: When it leaks out, we're gonna die!
COB: I'll get the Skipper to do another emergency blo--
GIBBS: There's no time for that! Kate, go fill in the Skipper. Come on! There's one way to get this guy off this boat in a hurry. Go! Move it! (GIBBS AND COB CARRY THE BODY ALONG THE PASSAGEWAY)
COB: Gangway! Move! Make a hole! Make a hole!
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. TORPEDO ROOM
COB: Move it! Move! Help, Thompson! We need a tube!
THOMPSON: We've got torpedoes in two, three and four, Sir!
COB: Load this in one!
THOMPSON: Evans is in there doing maintenance!
GIBBS: Get him out of there!
THOMPSON: Get him out, guys! Come on!
SKIPPER: (V.O./OVER P.A.) Torpedo room, COB.
COB: (INTO RADIO) Torpedo room, COB.
SKIPPER: (OVER P.A.) You have permission to fire!
COB: (INTO RADIO) Aye aye, Sir.
(MUSIC OVER ACTION/GIBBS LOADS THE BODY INTO THE TORPEDO TUBE)
COB: Secure the inner door!
THOMPSON: Aye aye!
COB: Ready a water shot!
THOMPSON: Aye aye!
COB: Open outer door!
THOMPSON: Outer door open!
COB: Flood two!
THOMPSON: Two flooding!
COB: Fire number one!
(SFX: WATER RUSHES FROM THE SUBMARINE)
GIBBS: COB, I don't have to tell you what the most important thing is now, do I?
COB: Get the ice cream back in the freezer.
GIBBS: Exactly.
MUSICAL BRIDGE TO:
INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY
TONY: Welcome back.
KATE: Hey.
TONY: Nice cap. They make you the boat mascot?
KATE: This is your way of telling me how much you missed me, isn't it?
TONY: No.
GIBBS: What are you doing here, Special Agent McGee?
MCGEE: I brought my final report, Sir.
GIBBS: You do not have to Sir me, McGee.
TONY: Didn't they teach you how to use e-mail at MIT?
KATE: You graduated from MIT?
GIBBS: And Johns Hopkins.
TONY: I didn't tell him.
GIBBS: What are you doing here?
MCGEE: I've uh... got a lunch date with Abby.
(TONY LAUGHS B.G.)
TONY: I've got to see this. I'll take you to her!
MCGEE: Thanks.
TONY: Thanks what?
MCGEE: Tony?
TONY: Sir. I already warned you, Abby's not your type.
MCGEE: Well, I'd like to find out for myself.
TONY: Yeah, listen kid uh... I don't want to hurt your feelings but you're not exactly Abby's type.
MCGEE: I've taken care of that. Remember that urge we were talking about? I went with Mom.
(SFX: ELEVATOR DINGS/DOORS SLIDE OPEN AND CLOSED)
KATE: I wonder what he said to make Tony speechless?
GIBBS: He told him he got a tat on his ass.
(MUSIC OUT) | Plan: A: NCIS Norfolk Case Agent Timothy McGee; Q: Who works on a case of a partially dissolved corpse found in a barrel of acid? A: the Norfolk Naval Base; Q: Where was the corpse found in a barrel of acid? A: the Major Case Response Team; Q: Who does McGee call in to help him with the case? A: the killer; Q: Who took steps to prevent the body from being identified? A: identity theft; Q: What is the motive for the murder? A: a submariner; Q: What was the victim of the acid barrel murder? A: no one; Q: Who has been reported missing? A: an impostor; Q: What does Gibbs believe is on one of the submarines? A: Kate; Q: Who is sent underwater with Gibbs to vet five possible suspects? A: place; Q: What is Gibbs trying to prevent a sarin attack from taking? Summary: NCIS Norfolk Case Agent Timothy McGee works on a case of a partially dissolved corpse found in a barrel of acid at the Norfolk Naval Base, and calls in the Major Case Response Team to help him. As the investigation continues, it soon becomes apparent that the killer took steps to prevent the body from being identified. Gibbs quickly comes to believe that the motive for the brutal murder was identity theft and his suspicions are further confirmed when it is revealed that although a submariner is dead, no one has been reported missing, leading Gibbs to believe that an impostor is on one of the submarines. Tony, Abby, and McGee are tasked with identifying the deceased, while Gibbs and Kate are sent underwater on a submarine to vet five possible suspects, one of whom might have been responsible for the murder and to also prevent a possible sarin attack from taking place. |
ANNOUNCER: When Last Season ended, a long awaited romance began, a marriage began to fall apart, and an unexpected mistake. Now as the new season begins, a new love grows, a reckless desire continues, and the Gilmores' unbreakable bond lies in jeopardy. And now, we'll take you back to the moment that changed everything.
OPEN IN LORELAI GILMORE FRONT YARD
[Long view of Rory's bedroom window]
DEAN: [OS] I love you, Rory.
RORY: [OS] I love you, too, Dean.
CUT TO RORY'S BEDROOM
[Rory and Dean lie together in her single bed, following their lovemaking]
RORY: Are you comfortable? Am I killing your arm?
DEAN: My arm is fine.
RORY: I could move.
DEAN: Don't you dare move.
RORY: This right here, is -- the textbook definition of a perfect moment.
DEAN: Yeah, it is.
RORY: And earlier? [pause]
DEAN: That was pretty perfect too. However, as a guy, I was trying not to be a pig. [kisses her shoulder gently]
RORY: And I'm happy, are you happy?
DEAN: I'm very happy.
RORY: [smiling] Happy, but not chatty?
DEAN: I'm just... trying to make sure that all this is really happening.
RORY: It is. [they kiss] Hey, you know what I think we need?
DEAN: What?
RORY: A song. Like a song that's "our song".
DEAN: Okay.
RORY: Something romantic, but not mushy, something that will make us remember this.
DEAN: [chuckle] Ah, believe me, I'm remembering this.
RORY: Oh, I know. [She reaches over to the nightstand and loads a nearby CD into her player and turns it on.] Okay. Perfect. So, from now on, no matter what you're doing, where you are, you'll stop and think of me when you hear this [clicks remote on. Sammy Davis Jr.'s "The Candy Man" plays.]
DEAN: [laughs] That's not gonna be our song.
RORY: Why not? It's perfect. It's happy. It's hopeful. It has the word 'candy' in it. Hey, what is more hot than candy?
DEAN: Pick something else.
RORY: [She bobs to the music beat and repeats the lyric in a high squeaky voice] "Who can take the sunrise... sprinkle it with dew"
DEAN: Okay, okay, okay, okay. I'll pick something else. [He struggles to snatch the remote from her.]
RORY: No.
DEAN: Hand it over, I can't take it anymore.
RORY: This is what happens when the women get the remote, ah-ha!
[Thud noise from outside the bedroom interrupts them]
DEAN: What was that? [door closes]
LORELAI: [OS] Rory!
[CUT TO THE KITCHEN A FEW MOMENTS LATER]
[Rory darts out of her room followed closely by Dean]
LORELAI: Hey, what's going on?
RORY: [smoothing her hair] Dean came over to borrow something.
[CAMERA POV CHANGES TO KITCHEN DOOR LOOKING IN FROM OUTSIDE]
DEAN: Yeah, thanks.
RORY: You're welcome.
DEAN: Well, ah, I should go... bye, Lorelai.
RORY: Bye, Dean.
[Dean walks out the kitchen door and closes it. He listens to the conversation coming from inside]
LORELAI: [OS] So, what did he borrow?
RORY: [OS] I'm sorry I didn't talk to you about it first. I - I know I promised I would, but I swear, I didn't know that this was going to happen. I mean, I didn't know he was going to show up tonight, and it just happened. It's awful for you to find out like this, I know, but everything's okay. I'm okay, and we were, you know, safe - so all those Trojan Man jokes all these years really apparently stuck. And I'm lucky, too, because Dean, he's -- well, aren't you glad that it happened with someone who's good and really loves me?
LORELAI: [OS] He's married.
RORY: [OS] You don't understand the situation.
LORELAI: [OS] Is he still married?
RORY: [OS] Yes, but -
LORELAI: [OS] Then I understand the situation.
[Outside, Dean cringes and walks around to the front of the house to leave. The conversation still audible, he sees Rory through the lacey drapes and pauses.]
LORELAI: [OS] I just want what's best for you, that's all!
RORY: [OS] You're just mad because I didn't come running to you to discuss whether or not I was ready for this step. I decided it on my own.
LORELAI: [OS voice fades as Dean exits] Obviously, you weren't ready for this step.
[CUT TO EXTERIOR FRONT DOOR]
[Rory exits front door and pulls on sweater. Dials a number on her cell phone, as she steps off the front porch]
LINDSAY VOICE: [answering phone] Hello? Hello? Hello?
[Rory hangs up and sinks to her knees and begins to cry. Lorelai exits the front door and watches her daughter sobbing on the front lawn. She slowly approaches her daughter, bends over her and gently touches her shoulder.]
LORELAI: Hey. [Rory flinches from her touch] Let's just talk.
RORY: No. [She stands and stumbles back into the house. Lorelai looks grim.]
[OPEN IN ELDER GILMORE HOME FRONT DOOR]
[Door opens and Emily rushes in with determined purpose. Richard enters at a slower pace and follows her to small cluttered desk in a corner.]
RICHARD: You do realize you just leapt out of a moving vehicle.
EMILY: Everything cannot be on your schedule, Richard. [shuffles through small drawers on the desktop] Now, where is it? I know I put it in here. [She picks up a small, thin blue booklet.] Aha!
RICHARD: In all the years we've been together, I have never seen you behave as irrationally as -- Emily, I'm talking to you! Will you stop? [Emily storms down the hallway, brushing aside a nearby potted palm tree frond] Emily, this feud of ours has now reached comical heights that... Charlie Chaplin, himself, would find hilarious, and he's dead.
EMILY: Don't follow me, Richard.
RICHARD: Oh, wait, come back. Let me get you a cane and a derby.
[CUT TO BASEMENT]
[Emily descends the stairs to a room crowded full of boxes, trunks, unused furniture, dusty oil paintings, a discarded pool table, old silver trays and brass pieces. Richard follows her.]
RICHARD: What are you doing?
EMILY: I'm looking for my European luggage, which some imbecile has chosen to hide from me.
RICHARD: What do you need your European luggage for?
EMILY: To put things in.
RICHARD: You're making a mess.
EMILY: I don't care if I'm making a mess.
RICHARD: Well, who's going to clean all this up, you?
EMILY: Yes, me, or the maid, or perhaps Pennilyn Lott could come by after one of your clandestine luncheons and take a stab at it.
RICHARD: Oh, for heaven's sakes. Not that again. She's just a friend!
EMILY: [provoking grin] I am going to Europe, Richard. I am going to Europe, and I'm going to have a marvelous time. I'm going to get up at 10:00, and I'm going to have two glasses of wine at lunch every single day.
RICHARD: Only prostitutes have two glasses of wine at lunch.
EMILY: Well, then buy me a boa and drive me to Reno because I am open for business.
RICHARD: I -- I can't talk to you when you're like this. I'm going to bed. [exits to stairs]
EMILY: You go to bed. I'll go to France.
[Richard climbs the stairs to the main floor. Door slams ]
[ After a pause, light piano music begins playing faintly from upstairs. Emily struggles with a large steamer trunk, dragging it up the stairs. As she reaches the door, she grasps the door knob and discovers the door won't budge.]
EMILY: Richard! Richard! [pounds on the door] The door is stuck! Richard! This isn't funny!
[She descends the stairs and looks around anxiously. Spying a high set window, she approaches and opens it and calls out.]
EMILY: Richard? Richard!
RICHARD: [OS] Emily?
EMILY: You locked me in.
RICHARD: [OS] I did not lock you in.
EMILY: You certainly did lock me in.
RICHARD: [OS] The door must be jammed. Did you try jiggling the knob?
EMILY: I suppose I could do that, or you could just get the hell down here and let me out!
RICHARD: [OS] Give me a moment, please.
EMILY: If you don't come down here right now, I will climb out the window.
RICHARD: [OS] You will not climb out the window.
EMILY: I will. I will climb out the window right now.
RICHARD: [OS] Don't you dare.
EMILY: I'm doing it. I'm climbing out the window. [she begins crawling out the window]
RICHARD: [OS] You better not climb out the window.
EMILY: [skirt catches on a nail] Damn it.
RICHARD: [OS] Emily Gilmore, I better not catch you climbing out the window. [sounds of footsteps]
EMILY: [panics and unzips her skirt to break free] I'm out the window. I'm out the window.
RICHARD: [descends the stairs] Get down from there.
EMILY: No! [slips out the window in only her sweater and hose]
RICHARD: Emily, get back here. Emily! [snatches her empty skirt dangling from nail]
[CUT TO EXTERIOR]
[Emily pulls her long sweater tightly down to cover herself and tiptoes to the back. Door opens ]
RICHARD: Are you having an aneurysm or something? Get inside and put this on.
EMILY: Get away from me!
RICHARD: Do you seriously think after 39 years of marriage, I would resort to locking you in a basement? [follows her to front of house]
EMILY: I don't know what you'd resort to. I don't know who you are at all.
RICHARD: I knew the mental illness in your family would catch up with you eventually.
EMILY: Aunt Cora was not mentally ill! She was athletic!
[flashing lights of a car approaches]
RICHARD: Oh, fine.
[ Indistinct talking over radio. Door of a DuBaldo Security Systems car opens and officer approaches. ]
SECURITY OFFICER: Is there some sort of problem here, folks?
RICHARD: No. There's no problem.
SECURITY OFFICER: We got a call from some of your neighbors complaining about a disturbance.
RICHARD: We apologize. We're going inside right now.
EMILY: Do not tell me what to do.
SECURITY OFFICER: Can I have your security password, please?
RICHARD: [sarcasm] Look, it's getting late, so either shoot us or go away.
SECURITY OFFICER: Fine. We'll just write up a report here and be on our way.
EMILY: Are you happy, Richard? Now there's a report, and a report means we'll be in the police blotter. Petal Huffington reads the police blotter religiously. It's like heroin to her. You've turned us into the scandal of the neighborhood. [Officer exits.]
RICHARD: Do you know what, Emily? If nothing else, this display tonight demonstrates clearly that you are no longer the woman I married.
EMILY: The woman you married was your partner. You listened to her. You consulted with her. You respected her. So, you are right, Richard. I am definitely not the woman you married. [ Engine turns over as she exits to the house]
[CUT TO INTERIOR OF DRAGONFLY INN - FRONT DOOR]
[Lorelai enters and immediately sees Luke in the front sitting room. Kirk is propped face first on the sofa naked, his butt in the air and a blanket covering him. ]
LORELAI: Oh, no.
LUKE: It's okay.
LORELAI: What happened?
LUKE: He landed butt first in Taylor's rose bushes.
LORELAI: Oh, poor thing!
LUKE: Didn't slow him down, though. I managed to tackle him as he headed toward the miniature goat pen, dragged him back here, threw one of your blankets over him, and, well, there he is -- he's gonna be fine.
LORELAI: Well, that's good.
LUKE: Yeah. So, you were gone for a while.
LORELAI: Yeah, I just had some things to take care of at home. Are you sure he can breathe?
LUKE: Oh, yeah, I propped his head up. ? [He notices she is distracted.] So, uh...you okay?
LORELAI: Yes, I'm fine.
LUKE: Okay, just -- nothing you want to talk about with -- with me or - ?
KIRK: Oh!
LORELAI: Oh my God. We need to take him upstairs.
KIRK: [still face down] LuLu can't see me like this.
LORELAI: But, Kirk --
KIRK: [hysterical] LuLu can't see me like this!
LORELAI: Okay, she won't. I promise. Can I take a look?
KIRK: [quickly responds] Okay.
LORELAI: I don't want to take a look.
LUKE: Well, I'm not looking.
[Sookie descends the stairs and approaches]
SOOKIE: Hey! It's a party. What's everybody doing up?
LORELAI: Aw, hey, good timing, Squiggy.
[Luke and Lorelai approach Sookie]
SOOKIE: I was just going to check on my loaves and make sure they're rising properly. The air's a little more humid than I thought it was going to be, and if the loaves aren't rising properly, then -- what are you doing? [They both pull Sookie closer to the sofa]
LORELAI: We need you to look at Kirk's butt.
SOOKIE: Why?
LORELAI: Well, because he ran into some rose bushes, and he's got some thorns stuck in it, and I thought of you.
SOOKIE: Me? Why me?
LORELAI: Well, because... you're a chef.
SOOKIE: What?
LUKE: And you have a kid.
LORELAI: Yes, that's better. You have a kid.
LUKE: Neither of us has kids. Well, she does, but it's big and -- and -- and can look at her own butt.
LORELAI: I got this, thanks.
SOOKIE: Okay, well... oh, oh! I'm gonna need Bactine, antiseptic, and lots of hot towels.
LORELAI: I'll go. I'll be right back. [she exits]
KIRK: Ohh.
SOOKIE: Hey, Kirk? How are you feeling?
KIRK: Is Luke here?
LUKE: I'm right here, Kirk.
KIRK: Sorry I bit you.
LUKE: It's okay, Kirk.
KIRK: They were after me, so I ran away.
SOOKIE: Who was after you, honey?
LUKE: Assassins. He thinks assassins are after him.
KIRK: They were under my bed in my room, so I ran, and they followed me down the hall, down the stairs, past Luke and Lorelai kissing, through the yard, over that fence. [Sookie rolls her eyes and smiles in disbelief, Luke looks uncomfortable]
SOOKIE: Well, the assassins are gone now, Kirk.
KIRK: I imagined them?
SOOKIE: I think so.
KIRK: What about Luke kissing Lorelai?
SOOKIE: [ Chuckles ] I think you imagined that, too. [she glances at Luke and does a double take when she sees his expression]
KIRK: They looked so real.
SOOKIE: Okay, Kirk, you just settle down and relax, and I'll be right back. [She drags Luke away from the sofa out of earshot.] Ohh. [ Gasps ] Oh, my God!
LUKE: Sookie!
SOOKIE: You kissed?
LUKE: [tries to suppress a grin] Yes.
SOOKIE: I can't believe she didn't tell me. Why didn't she tell me?
LUKE: It just happened.
SOOKIE: Ooh, Luke, that's wonderful! [pulls him into a big hug]
LUKE: [ chuckles ] Thanks.
SOOKIE: [giggling with excitement] I can't wait to tell Lorelai it's wonderful!
LUKE: Um, could you maybe not say anything for a little while?
SOOKIE: Why?
LUKE: Well, I'm just not so sure she wants this out yet.
SOOKIE: What makes you think that?
LUKE: Do me a favor and keep it to yourself. Let her tell you if she wants to, okay?
SOOKIE: Sure. Okay. Call me Belinda, 'cause my lips are sealed.
LUKE: Thank you. [chuckles]
SOOKIE: Hey, Luke?
LUKE: Yeah?
SOOKIE: This is good. [exits to return to Kirk leaving Luke alone]
LUKE: I hope so.
[CUT TO DEAN AND LINDSAY'S APARTMENT]
[Dean quietly enters and deposits his keys on the entry table]
LINDSAY: Hey.
DEAN: [Startled, he turns around and sees her sitting at kitchen table] Hey.
LINDSAY: My mom brought by brownies. [Dean doesn't respond but walks past her to the kitchen] You worked late again.
DEAN: Yeah.
LINDSAY: Do you have to work tomorrow?
DEAN: I work at Doose's tomorrow.
LINDSAY: Oh. Well, will you be home for dinner? 'Cause I was thinking of cooking or something.
DEAN: I guess. I'll try. I don't know.
LINDSAY: You want a brownie?
DEAN: No.
LINDSAY: My mom put gummy bears in them like I'm still three or something. [silence] Oh yeah, and I found your phone. It had fallen in the couch cushions.
DEAN: Thanks.
LINDSAY: It rang a little earlier, about 20 minutes ago. I answered, but they hung up.
DEAN: You answered my phone?
LINDSAY: Well, it kind of woke me up.
DEAN: Why are you answering people's phones?
LINDSAY: Dean.
DEAN: I mean, you know it's my phone, Lindsay. This isn't your phone. I mean, who was it?
LINDSAY: I don't know. They hung up.
DEAN: So you didn't take a message?
LINDSAY: I told you -- they hung up.
DEAN: So, great, uh, you're just answering my phone and not taking messages? That's great, Lindsay.
LINDSAY: Dean, wh--
DEAN: Taylor calls on this phone, and Tom. I mean, this phone is for business, okay? That's why I have it!
LINDSAY: Fine.
DEAN: What if Tom called, and he had an extra shift for me tomorrow, huh? I mean he calls to tell me, and you answer, and he thinks maybe he doesn't have the right number, and he hangs up, and then I just lose out, which means we lose out. God, Lindsay, you know, you don't -- you don't get it, do you? I mean, you have absolutely no respect for me at all. That's just obvious.[ Sighs ]
LINDSAY: I don't want to fight. We always fight. I won't answer your phone anymore. I was asleep. I didn't think. I'm sorry, okay?
DEAN: Yeah...okay.
LINDSAY: You coming to bed?
DEAN: In a minute.
LINDSAY: [ Inhales ] Okay. [stands to leave] You mad at me?
DEAN: No. Just tired. Long day. I'll be right there.
[CUT TO BREAKFAST BUFFET LINE AT DRAGONFLY INN - MORNING]
[LuLu and Kirk are admiring the food table and taking samples on their plate
LULU: Everything looks so good.
SOOKIE: [giggles] I know it does.
LULU: [they move to a small nearby table. LuLu sits down.] I want half of that cranberry square.
KIRK: Okay.
LULU: Kirk, sit.
KIRK: I'm good.
LULU: You can't eat standing up like that. My mother says it gives you cancer.
KIRK: Really? Mine, too.
[Jackson enters]
JACKSON: Hey, look who came to visit.
BABETTE: Oh, my God, the baby's here!
SOOKIE: [approaches] Hey, Shortstuff. How's it hangin'?
JACKSON: He just came to say hi to everybody and to see the place on which his entire college education depends. What do you think? Is it gonna be Ivy League, or is it gonna be "Murray's House of Learnin'"?
SOOKIE: If we're going by the donut demand, I think he's in pretty good shape.
JACKSON: Okay, Ivy League it is. [baby talk to Davey] I just hope you're not stupid. Yeah?
SOOKIE: Well, you have fun. Mommy's gotta get back to work. Be nice, and don't throw up on the buffet.
PATTY: Jackson, you get over here right now with that baby.
[CUT TO FRONT LOBBY NEAR STAIRS]
[employee approaches Michel and presents a clipboard]
EMPLOYEE: Can you sign this? [when finished he exits as Taylor descends the stairs]
[Michel ignores him]
TAYLOR: Michel, hold it right there. Michel. Michel, I have a complaint. Michel? Michel?
MICHEL: Can I help you?
TAYLOR: I was talking to you, and you just walked away from me.
MICHEL: Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you were calling someone else.
TAYLOR: Someone else named Michel?
MICHEL: If only I could read minds. What can I do for you?
TAYLOR: One of my shoes is missing, and the other has been chewed.
MICHEL: Is this a riddle? I'm very busy.
TAYLOR: No, this is not a riddle. This is fact. Look at this shoe. This shoe was practically brand-new, worn twice, and only on smooth-surface floors. [Lorelai descends the stairs and avoids them] I leave it in your hallway, and in the morning, I find this. [LuLu and Kirk enter. Kirk overhears their conversation]
KIRK: Oh, my God, what have I done? [rushes after LuLu up the stairs]
[Lorelai enters and approaches]
LORELAI: Excuse me. I'm sorry. Taylor, why did you leave your shoe in the hallway?
TAYLOR: Your complimentary shoeshine.
LORELAI: Our - [Confused]
MICHEL: I don't know what he's talking about.
[Luke bounds down the stairs with his duffel bag over his shoulder]
LUKE: Hey, Lorelai --
TAYLOR: Oh, no problem, Luke. Butt right in. I couldn't possibly be talking about anything important.
LUKE: Good.
LORELAI: Uh. [She joins Luke a few feet away]
LUKE: I just -- I have to get back to the diner.
LORELAI: Okay, well, um - I... [glances at Michel and Taylor]
TAYLOR: I'm still standing here.
LORELAI: I have to - [distracted]
LUKE: Uh, sure.
LORELAI: Okay. But, thank you so much for coming.
LUKE: Okay, I'll...guess I'll see you later.
LORELAI: Yeah. [immediately returns to Taylor and Michel]
TAYLOR: You think I'm making all this up.
[Luke hesitates at the door watching her before leaving]
LORELAI: No, Taylor, I don't think you're making it up.
MICHEL: You're making a scene is what you're making.
TAYLOR: All right, fine. I'm going to find wherever I read that you said you have shoeshine service. I'm going to show you, and then he can take that look off his face.
LORELAI: Taylor, seriously, I completely believe you. [calls after him as he storms off]
MICHEL: That man is why mail-order brides were invented.
LORELAI: Mm.
[Michel exits and she turns to see Rory enter the front door]
LORELAI: Oh, my, my. Well, what a surprise.
RORY: People will expect me to be here for breakfast.
LORELAI: Yes, they will.
RORY: Okay, so I'm here for breakfast.
LORELAI: Enjoy! [Rory enters to dining room]
BABETTE: Rory, we were wondering what happened to you.
RORY: I just ran home early this morning to get something. Hey, Davey. Came for breakfast?
PATTY: Yes, he did. Didn't you, Davey?
JACKSON: Yeah, he did. Oops, he's got that look on his face. You might want to give him back to me.
PATTY: Oh, please, if I went running every time some guy tried to crap all over me, I never would have gotten married. [Lorelai passes through to the kitchen]
[CUT TO DRAGONFLY INN KITCHEN]
[Lorelai enters]
LORELAI: Hey, Sookie, what did you want to talk - Oh my!
SOOKIE: [ Squeals and hugs Lorelai] I'm so happy!
LORELAI: I'm so glad you're so happy! Is this is a normal happy or was there cooking sherry involved?
SOOKIE: I promised I wouldn't say anything, but I can't help it! It is so wonderful. Do you know how wonderful it is?
LORELAI: No, no, I don't, but I would love to weigh in.
SOOKIE: You're with Luke!
LORELAI: Ah, how did you know?
SOOKIE: Luke told me.
LORELAI: Oh?
SOOKIE: No, I'm sorry, Luke didn't tell me. Kirk told me.
LORELAI: Kirk told you?
SOOKIE: He saw you. He saw you kiss Luke. Oh, my God! You were kissing Luke!
LORELAI: Well, Sookie, I --
SOOKIE: I am so glad! You two are perfect for each other. I have always thought that someday, if you just sort of turned around and opened your eyes that you'd see it, and now that you have, I'm just so damn happy.
LORELAI: Well, I'm --
SOOKIE: You're not gonna die alone. I mean, somebody will be there. Somebody will know. Somebody will find the body and call the police and --
LORELAI: Yes, that is a relief. I can't believe Kirk saw us. I thought he was asleep.
SOOKIE: Don't worry. I convinced him he was dreaming it all, so I don't think he'll say anything. I know you're concerned about that. Why are you concerned about that?
LORELAI: Who said I was concerned about that?
SOOKIE: Luke -- he asked me not to say anything. He said he wasn't sure if you wanted it out. Why wasn't he sure if you wanted it out?
LORELAI: I don't know.
SOOKIE: How was it?
LORELAI: How was - ?
SOOKIE: You know. Was it on top of a table? 'Cause I always thought it would be on top of a table -- oh, like in "Bull Durham"!
LORELAI: There was no s*x.
SOOKIE: No s*x? Why no s*x? [ Gasps ] Can't Luke?
LORELAI: I'm sure he can. There was no time. Everything happened so fast. We were here with the town -- and my parents flipping out and Jason showing up. Oh, no! Jason! What happened to Jason?
SOOKIE: Oh, his condo was on fire.
LORELAI: It was?
SOOKIE: Well, that's what Michel had me say when we called his cell phone. Hey, you don't seem happy.
LORELAI: About what?
SOOKIE: About Luke!
LORELAI: Of course I'm happy about Luke. It's just new. I'm still processing it, that's all.
SOOKIE: But he knows you're happy, right? I mean, he knows you're processing, but once you process, there's gonna be s*x, right?
LORELAI: He knows. I think he knows. He should know. I hope he knows.
SOOKIE: Well, make sure he knows, okay? Because you two together -
LORELAI: Equals getting to the morgue before I smell. I got it.
SOOKIE: Okay. [giggles]
[CUT TO FRONT LOBBY]
[Lorelai enters and sees Rory at the front desk]
LORELAI: Hey. Finish your breakfast already?
RORY: Yeah, I was just leaving you a note.
LORELAI: Oh, you kind of wolfed it down, there.
RORY: I'm a light eater.
LORELAI: So, um, you leaving?
RORY: Yep.
LORELAI: Rory, don't you want to talk?
RORY: We already did.
LORELAI: Oh yeah, but you didn't hear what I wanted to talk about, which was how Jackson is probably gonna have to dislocate several of Davey's limbs trying to pry him away from Patty and Babette.
RORY: I have to go.
LORELAI: [ Sighs ] Rory, can't we just sit down for a second and talk about this?
RORY: I already heard everything you had to say last night.
LORELAI: You know what? Fine. I give. It's your life. Do what you want.
RORY: Thank you.
LORELAI: You're 19. You know what you're doing.
RORY: I do know what I'm doing.
LORELAI: So you don't want to talk. We won't talk.
RORY: Good.
LORELAI: I wasn't thinking we had to talk like mom and kid. I thought we could talk as friends, but hey, forget it.
RORY: I will.
LORELAI: Not that I take back what I said.
RORY: That's your perogative.
LORELAI: [ Clears throat ] I mean, he's married, and as your friend, I have every right to point out the obvious.
RORY: Which you did twice now.
LORELAI: Okay, and I stand by it, though I felt maybe I could help you figure out how to handle this as your friend who you usually turn to to help you figure out how to handle things, but if you don't want to talk, then fine.
RORY: Great.
LORELAI: We won't talk.
RORY: Love the thought.
LORELAI: Don't worry about me nagging you to talk anymore. I'm out.
RORY: Terrific.
LORELAI: In fact, I'm really busy, so if you did change your mind --
RORY: Which I won't.
LORELAI: Okay. But if you did, I'm sorry. I can't help. Taylor lost a shoe, so get in line.
RORY: Any end to this speech in sight?
LORELAI: Bye.
[Rory exits and door slams ]
[ Footsteps down that stairs - Taylor spies Lorelai]
TAYLOR: Aha! I told you I'd seen it somewhere. Look at this.
LORELAI: Ah, right. Uh, Michel, hi. Could you come over here for a minute? Very sorry about this, Taylor.
MICHEL: Yes?
LORELAI: Hey. Here I have a list of services, all printed up nice and neat, including seaweed wraps, facial peels, watsu massage, and complimentary shoeshines, all of which we do not offer.
MICHEL: Well, we should.
LORELAI: Michel.
MICHEL: I mentioned them several times before, but you don't listen to me. Sookie wants to make each guest a meringue hat, and you say, "Oh, Sookie, what a brilliant idea." But I want to pamper our guests with services that we don't have, and you tell me to answer the phone.
LORELAI: I'm very sorry about this, Taylor. We will replace your shoes, I promise you.
TAYLOR: Fine. I'm a 6 1/2, narrow.
LORELAI: Okay. I can't believe you did this.
MICHEL: Oh, you can too.
LORELAI: Get on the phone and find me shoes and have them here by tonight, and get your dogs off the premises immediately.
MICHEL: My dogs aren't --
LORELAI: It's been a rough weekend. Don't screw with me.
MICHEL: If Kirk can sleep inside, why can't my Chows?
LORELAI: Get them and take them home.
MICHEL: Okay, okay, I just have to locate Pau-Pau.
LORELAI: What?
MICHEL: He went out for a walk. He's around. He was just testing his boundaries.
LORELAI: Apparently, so are you.
MICHEL: I'm going. [ Whistles ] Pau-Pau?
[Lorelai pulls out her cell phone and dials number]
[CUT TO LUKE'S DINER DURING LUNCH RUSH]
[ Telephone ringing - Luke answers ]
LUKE: Luke's.
LORELAI: Hey. [scene switches back and forth between diner and inn]
LUKE: Hello?
LORELAI: [ Louder ] It's me.
LUKE: Oh, hi.
LORELAI: Can we talk?
LUKE: Well, we're kind of busy.
CAESAR: [places two plates on kitchen ledge] Burger and patty melt.
LORELAI: I just wanted to talk.
LUKE: Talk about what?
LORELAI: What?
LUKE: Talk about what?
LORELAI: Could you find a quieter place?
LUKE: Like where?
LORELAI: Just go outside.
LUKE: Phone doesn't reach outside.
CAESAR: [presents another plate of food] Something that looks like tuna.
LORELAI: Use your cell phone.
LUKE: Uh, I don't have a cell phone.
LORELAI: What happened to the phone Nicole gave you?
LUKE: She got it back in the divorce. Actually, I threw it in the lake after the divorce.
[ Davey crying at the inn - Dishes crashing at the diner]
LUKE: Jeez, what the hell is going on over there?
LORELAI: What's going on over there?
LUKE: Hold on!
LORELAI: You hold on, too.
[Luke stretches phone cord into storeroom and shuts door. Crying continues as Lorelai moves to the inn front closet. Closes the door and leans against it. Noises fade]
LORELAI: I'm good.
LUKE: I'm good, too.
LORELAI: Good!
LUKE: So...you wanted to talk.
LORELAI: Yeah. I just realized that, uh, you know, when I got back last night, I was, um, a little distracted. [slowly slides down the door to sit on the floor and notices Pau-Pau laying next to her chewing on Taylor's missing shoe] Uh,eh.
LUKE: Hey, no big deal.
LORELAI: Uh, no, no, it really was a big deal. I just, um --
LUKE: Seriously, you don't need to --
LORELAI: We kissed. [silence as Luke smiles while remembering] You and me, we kissed?
LUKE: I remember.
LORELAI: And it was...unexpected.
LUKE: Lorelai, relax. I'm fine if you want to just forget it ever happened, really.
LORELAI: No, I don't want to forget it ever happened. It was a great kiss.
LUKE: Yeah?
LORELAI: If one of us had been a frog, it would have had some seriously impressive consequences.
LUKE: Okay.
LORELAI: So, what do you think?
LUKE: I think I'm really relieved you feel that way.
LORELAI: So you concur?
LUKE: Dear God, yes.
LORELAI: Good. So, then, I guess we'll discuss this later.
LUKE: Tonight?
LORELAI: Tonight.
LUKE: Okay. Thanks for the call.
LORELAI: Well, my pleasure.
[ Phone clicks, dial tone ]
LORELAI: You better finish that whole thing, Pau-Pau.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[CUT TO STARS HOLLOW SIDEWALK]
[Rory walks to a payphone and hesitatingly dials a number]
RORY: Hi, it's me. We need to meet.
[CUT TO MISS PATTY'S DANCE STUDIO]
[ Knocking on door ]
RORY: Come in.
DEAN: [whispers] Hey.
RORY: Hey.
DEAN: I'm glad you called.
RORY: Me too.
DEAN: Everything okay at home?
RORY: Yeah. Everything's okay.
DEAN: Good. [moves closer and takes her hands] Did I ever tell you I like your hair?
RORY: My hair?
DEAN: Your shorter hair.
RORY: It's grown out a little.
DEAN: I like it.
RORY: I like it, too.
[Their foreheads touch, then they kiss.]
DEAN: So, um, you wanted to talk?
RORY: Yeah, talk. [Dean caresses her arm and face before he leans close again] words... wow. [Their kiss becomes more passionate.]
[CUT TO LANE'S APARTMENT - LANE'S BEDROOM]
LANE: [shocked] You what?
RORY: I slept with Dean in my room last night, in my bed.
LANE: Oh, my God!
RORY: I know. Who would have even thought that Dean could fit in my bed. I mean, it's so small, and he's not small. He's tall, not small. Great, I'm rhyming.
LANE: I didn't know you were even back together.
RORY: Well, we're not. I mean, I guess we are now, but -- I'm out of breath.
LANE: Sit down.
RORY: My mom caught us.
LANE: Oh, my God.
RORY: I mean, she didn't catch us. We were done, but she -- we were still horizontal, and then she saw Dean come out of my room, and she just said all these things.
LANE: Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
RORY: What?
LANE: I'm just picturing it in my head, and -- oh, my God!
ZACH: [OS] Lane!
LANE: I'm busy!
ZACH: [OS] Okay, but hello?
LANE: Go, talk, please.
RORY: So, we had a fight.
LANE: You and Dean.
RORY: No, me and my mom.
LANE: Right.
RORY: So then I called him today, and I told him that we need to talk because there were questions and clarifications and many tiny details that were totally ignored, because he's, like, perfect, you know? But I had it all planned out, every word. I was going to be practical, and I was going to be adult, and then --
LANE: Yeah?
RORY: And then he walked in.
LANE: Yeah?
RORY: And he kissed me, and I couldn't think. It was just -- and then we --
LANE: Again?
RORY: Well, once you get the hang of it, it's pretty easy to duplicate.
LANE: Where?
RORY: What?
LANE: Where did you do it the second time?
RORY: At Miss Patty's.
LANE: You did it at Miss Patty's?
RORY: Yeah.
LANE: She would be so proud.
RORY: I had it all planned out. I was going to get everything straightened out. Why did he have to walk in like that?
ZACH: [OS] Lane!
LANE: [yells back] In a minute! [takes Rory by the hand]
RORY: Lane.
LANE: Okay, I'm sorry, I just have to ask you. [whispers] How was it?
RORY: Why are you whispering?
LANE: Because I just think that no matter where she is, my mom can hear this conversation.
RORY: It was a little scary.
LANE: Was he nice to you?
RORY: Yeah. It was -- I mean, he loves me, and I love him.
LANE: Oh, my God.
GIL: [OS] Lane! Come on!
[Lane opens her door and enters the front room]
LANE: What?!
GIL: We were supposed to practice a half an hour ago.
ZACH: Brian's been yammering on about germs and spores for 20 minutes. I'm completely freaked out to touch a microphone ever again.
BRIAN: I'm just saying, at the end of the night, who cleans them?
ZACH: Shut up, Brian.
GIL: Look, man, I only have the babysitter till 6:00, then it's my turn to drive them to Gymboree.
ZACH: Dude, you promised you wouldn't talk about the parental issue during band practice.
GIL: We're not having band practice, and it's not a parental issue. It's being part of the cycle of life, and that, my friend, is pure rock 'n' roll.
ZACH: Go join "The Polyphonic Spree," you fruitcake.
BRIAN: I'm just saying my bass strap has a smell.
LANE: Hey! Shut up, all of you! Now, that is my friend, and she is here in desperate need of some girl talk, and in case you haven't noticed, I am a girl, and this, right here, is what it's like to have a girl in the band, so all of you -- deal! [returns to her bedroom] Sorry.
RORY: Lane, I think I did something that -- what do you think?
LANE: Of what?
RORY: Of what I did. I need some perspective.
LANE: From me?
RORY: Yes.
LANE: You need some perspective on s*x from me?
RORY: I need some perspective on s*x with Dean from you.
LANE: Oh, well, Dean loves you.
RORY: I know.
LANE: And you love him.
RORY: I know.
LANE: So it seems like --
RORY: He's married.
LANE: I know.
RORY: How did I overlook that fact? I mean, he said that the marriage was over. He said that he had told Lindsay or that he was going to tell her or that she already knew somehow, but I didn't ask anything else. Why didn't I ask anything else?
LANE: I don't know.
RORY: I don't remember what he said. I don't remember what he told me. I didn't ask anything important.
LANE: You can ask now.
RORY: I tried to ask now. I ended up having s*x on an Al Gilbert record. I need to know some things. I need -- I don't know what I need to do.
LANE: Maybe you should talk to Lorelai.
RORY: No.
LANE: But she already knows about you guys.
RORY: No.
LANE: She's better than me at this sort of thing because she at least has a frame of reference.
RORY: Talking to her is not an option.
LANE: Okay, well, then --
[ Drumsticks clicking. Rock music plays - Lane enters to see Zach behind her drum set]
LANE: What do you think you're doing?!
BRIAN: I told you she'd be mad.
LANE: Get away from my drums!
ZACH: You were in there talking about panty hose or whatever the hell you chicks talk about --
LANE: You do not, under any circumstances, touch my drums.
GIL: He adjusted your seat also.
LANE: You what?!
[CUT TO DRAGONFLY LOBBY AREA]
[Lorelai speaks to one of the maids]
LORELAI: So, make sure they all get the thank-you cards and light the lemon candles so the rooms smell pretty when they get up there. Thanks, and great job this weekend -- great job. [startles when she sees Emily sitting on the sofa] Oh! My God!
EMILY: My, what a lovely greeting.
LORELAI: How long have you been sitting there?
EMILY: Ten minutes. Why?
LORELAI: You scared me.
EMILY: Like I'm Dracula?
LORELAI: Oh, my God, my heart won't stop pounding.
EMILY: Stop being so dramatic. I just showed up for lunch. It's not as if I did anything truly terrifying like telling you that butt-crack-baring jeans had gone out of style.
LORELAI: What do you mean you showed up for lunch?
EMILY: Our lunch...at 1:00. You, me, Rory -- the three of us. We're having lunch, aren't we?
LORELAI: I didn't think so.
EMILY: You didn't?
LORELAI: Well, no, but --
EMILY: When you invited your father and me for the weekend, you said it included a lunch with you and Rory.
LORELAI: Well, yes, I know, but that was before you left.
EMILY: What does my leaving have to do with anything?
LORELAI: Well, when you left, you weren't here anymore. You were gone, so we just assumed lunch was --
EMILY: this lunch was your idea.
LORELAI: Yes, I know, but --
EMILY: I did not force it upon you.
LORELAI: You're right, however --
EMILY: If you were too busy or you didn't want it to happen, then you didn't have to bring it up at all, did you?
LORELAI: No, I didn't, but you left, see, so --
EMILY: All right then. It is now 1:00. You said lunch at 1:00. I'm here. It's 1:00. I'm hungry. Where's Rory?
LORELAI: Okay, see, you left, so -
EMILY: She's not here, is she?
LORELAI: No.
EMILY: Didn't she know about the lunch?
LORELAI: Yes, mom, she knew about the lunch, but you -- so we -- and she -- I'll call her.
EMILY: I'll wait. [walks off]
[CUT TO LANE'S APARTMENT BEDROOM]
[Rory sits alone on Lane's bed listening to arguing voices in next room]
LANE: [OS] What are you doing?! [unintelligible dialog]
[Rory's cell phone rings from her purse. She walks over to answer it.]
LANE: [OS] What are you talking about?
ZACH: [OS] We're a band! We share!
RORY: Hello?
LORELAI: Your grandmother is here for her lunch. [Scene switches between inn and the bedroom]
RORY: But she left.
LORELAI: Could you just get back here?
RORY: I'm kind of busy.
LORELAI: Rory, this is not for me, okay? This is for your grandmother. You like your grandmother, remember?
RORY: Fine.
LORELAI: Great.
RORY: Bye.
LANE: [OS yelling ]
ZACH: [OS] Chill!
GIL: [OS] You're worse than Metallica!
[CUT TO STARS HOLLOW SIDEWALK]
[Rory is walking to return to the inn. She passes the butcher and notices Lindsay inside talking animatedly. Curious, she returns to eavesdrop.]
LINDSAY: I did that.
BUTCHER: Did you put in the meat thermometer?
LINDSAY: Yes, I put in the meat thermometer. I put in three meat thermometers just in case one of them wasn't working.
BUTCHER: And you put the oven on 450 for 20 minutes and then lowered it to 350 for the last hour.
LINDSAY: [upset] I did everything you told me. I did it exactly like you told me to, and it still turned out awful.
BUTCHER: Maybe you should try something else -- meatloaf or chicken.
LINDSAY: No, Dean likes roast beef! We had it at our wedding. His mother makes it every time we go over there. I'm making dinner tonight, and it has to be perfect, so just tell me how to do it again.
BUTCHER: Okay.
LINDSAY: And write it down.
BUTCHER: Okay. First, you rub it with a little oil. Then take some fresh ground...
[Rory walks away]
[CUT TO DRAGONFLY INN - OUTSIDE IN THE BACK OF THE PATIO AREA]
[Emily, Lorelai and Rory sit at a small round table. A waiter finishes filling Emily's beverage and leaves. No one speaks.]
[ Birds chirping ]
[ Horse neighs ]
EMILY: The weather's lovely.
LORELAI: Yes, it is.
EMILY: Rory, don't you think it's lovely?
RORY: It's very lovely.
EMILY: Yes. [looks at her surroundings] Lovely. Well, I don't see any reason to put this off any longer. Girls, I have something to say that may shock you, but unfortunately there's nothing I can do about that now. Lorelai, Rory, Richard and I have separated.
LORELAI: And?
EMILY: What do you mean "and"? That's not enough? You need some sort of mob-related offing to make it interesting?
LORELAI: No, Mom, that's plenty. It's just, we already knew.
EMILY: Rory didn't.
RORY: Well, I mean, I didn't know know --
EMILY: Why would you tell her?
LORELAI: Mom!
EMILY: Who else did you tell?
LORELAI: [sarcasm] So, you haven't read "Page Six"?
EMILY: Rory, if you need to talk about this to try to understand why this is happening, then by all means, do not ask your mother.
LORELAI: Okay, Mom, I'm sorry. I'm not trying to be insensitive. It just seemed like a thing you and Dad were going through. I figured you'd make up.
EMILY: Well, we didn't.
LORELAI: I see that. So, wow, you're really separated?
EMILY: That's right. Your father's moving into the pool house.
LORELAI: So then you're not separated.
EMILY: Of course we are.
LORELAI: You're separated by the pool.
EMILY: That's it. That's the end of your input on this.
RORY: I'm sorry, Grandma.
EMILY: Well, what's done is done. I'm moving on. And to celebrate the next stage of my life, I'm going to Europe by myself for the very first time since I was in college. I'm leaving tonight.
RORY: Tonight? That's fast.
EMILY: Well, I wanted to leave quickly, so I called my travel agent and insisted that he put me on tonight's plane to Paris no matter what. He finally managed to bump someone from a church group, and I've got my seat, and I'm leaving at 10:00. And, Rory, my offer to you still stands.
RORY: What offer?
EMILY: My offer to escort you around Europe this summer.
RORY: Oh. [Lorelai watches Rory's reaction carefully]
EMILY: Every young lady should do Europe the proper way at least once in her life, and I would be thrilled to have your company on this very special occasion. Of course, I know it's very short notice, so if you already have plans for the summer, I completely understand.
LORELAI: You know, I think Europe sounds great. I think you would really enjoy that. I mean, remember -- we loved Paris. You don't have anything special planned for the summer, do you?
RORY: [gives Lorelai an odd look] No, nothing special.
EMILY: Well, then? What do you say? Would you like to be impulsive with me?
RORY: Sure, Grandma, I'd love to.
EMILY: That is just wonderful! I'll call Ralphie right away and tell him to bump another Baptist. We'll have a wonderful time, you and I. It'll be just like "Gigi." Lorelai, I'm gonna use your phone.
LORELAI: Be my guest, Mom. [Emily exits. Long pause] Europe? Cool. [Rory give Lorelai a cool look] What?
RORY: So, what is this, a Henry James novel? The young lady acts up, and her family ships her off to Europe?
LORELAI: Oh, come on.
RORY: How fast did you tell Grandma that I had nothing to do this summer?
LORELAI: I'm not shipping you off.
RORY: Oh, please!
LORELAI: I'm not. I'm just -- okay, maybe I am.
RORY: Ha!
LORELAI: I wasn't planning on it, but maybe in the back of my mind, I just thought -
RORY: - Say Goodbye to Daisy Miller.
LORELAI: Okay, fine, so maybe I suggested the trip to give you some time to --
RORY: Travel back to the turn of the century?
LORELAI: To think -- but you did not have to accept.
RORY: I did too.
LORELAI: No, Rory, you didn't. You're 19 now, remember? You're all grown up, and you can handle your own affairs. Sorry. That's a bad choice of words. You can handle your own life events, so if you didn't want to go to Europe, all you had to do was say you didn't want to go, but you didn't, so I assume you do want to go. [sees Rory's expression] You do want to go? How come? I mean, what about Dean? You're just gonna go off and leave now?
RORY: None of your business.
LORELAI: Did something happen? Did you guys have a fight, or is it something else? Is it Lindsay?
RORY: We didn't have a fight. Everything is fine with Dean. I want to go so I can get away from you.
LORELAI: I'm sorry, weren't you supposed to go through this phase like five years ago? 'Cause, I mean, seriously, at this point, storming into your room and blasting your goth rock -- it's just gonna confuse your roommates.
RORY: [grabs her pocketbook stands to exit] Tell Grandma I had to pack.
["If I Could Write" by Sam Phillips plays over the next three scenes that have no dialogue.]
[CUT TO DEAN AND LINDSAY'S APARTMENT]
[Lindsay enters with platter of roast beef and trimmings. She sets it down in front of Dean and anxiously watches as he begins to carve. Dean glances up at her worried face. She watches closely and jumps in jubilation when she sees the roast is a success. Dean is startled at her shout and smiles as she wraps her arms around his neck to hug and kisses him. She claps her hands and hops up and down as he continues to smile and carve.]
[CUT TO EXTERIOR OF ELDER GILMORE ENTRANCE]
[Chauffeur loads Emily's trunks and luggage into limousine. In the doorway, Emily gives last minute instructions to maid and departs. Front door closes while Richard appears in the interior distance lighting his cigar.]
[CUT TO LORELAI'S STAIRWELL]
[Lorelai appears at the top of the stairs as a cell phone rings below. Rory appears and checks the caller id as it rings. She ignores the call, turns off the phone, tucks it in her purse, and returns to her room. Lorelai slowly descends the stairs with a concerned look.]
[AIRPORT DEPARTING GATE]
[Emily hurries along the walkway]
EMILY: Come on, girls, hurry up. We have an adventure to embark on. [happily approaches the attendant] There you go -- my picture I.D. And my boarding pass. Rory, hurry up. You have to hold your own boarding pass, and you need your I.D. Lorelai, say your good byes here. If you don't have a boarding pass, you can't go farther -- am I right? [confirms with the attendant] I'm right, Lorelai. If you need to search me, that's just fine. Don't be afraid to ask. Bye, Lorelai. [exits to gate]
LORELAI: Bye, Mom. [then to Rory] Hey, hey, hold on a sec. You have everything you need?
RORY: Yeah.
LORELAI: You have trashy-magazine money?
RORY: Those magazines make Grandma crazy.
LORELAI: Yeah, well, here's 20 bucks. It's a long flight.
EMILY: Rory, hurry, please!
RORY: Coming, Grandma. I have to go.
LORELAI: Yeah, you do. Okay, so, um... have fun, and uh... if you need to talk about anything, just please call me, okay?
RORY: Okay. [uncomfortable moment before she exits. Lorelai sadly watches her depart]
[CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE - FRONT DOOR - NIGHT]
[Lorelai enters to the house. Looks around feeling sad and lonely. She notices message machine is blinking as she drops her keys on desk. She presses playback button, and answering machine beeps. She sits as the message plays.]
LUKE'S VOICE: Hey, it's me. Uh, listen, I got a call from my sister and T.J. They're up in Maine, and they got into a little accident -- nothing major, just each one of them broke an arm and a leg, [Lorelai looks concerned] so anyhow, they can't run the Renaissance Fair booth for a couple of weeks. So they asked me to come and help them out, and I, unfortunately, answered the phone, so I'm on my way to Maine. I'll be back in about a week. Okay? Bye.
LORELAI: Great.
[ Beeps ]
LUKE'S VOICE: Hey, it's me again. I'm not sure if we're at the point in this relationship where you actually need to know that much information about my whereabouts, [Lorelai smiles and chuckles] so if we're not, I'm sorry. I could have just said, "I'm going out of town, and I'll call you later." So I'm going out of town, and I'll call you later.
[ Beeps ]
LUKE'S VOICE: Me again, [Lorelai look of disbelief] the idiot that leaves you three rambling messages on your machine. I just wanted to tell you I got a cell phone before I left, so, you know, you could call if you want, but only if you want, so that's it.
LORELAI: Ah! [frustrated as she prepared to write down number]
[ Beeps ]
LUKE'S VOICE: Yeah, a number might be good.
LORELAI: Thank you. [writes number on paper]
LUKE'S VOICE: 860-294-1986. Okay, bye.
[ Beeps ]
LUKE'S VOICE: Just...don't change your mind until I get back, okay? Okay. Talk to you later.
[ Beeps ]
[After only a few moments she picks up phone and dials number from paper and sits on sofa. Ringing cell phone. ]
LUKE'S VOICE: Hello?
LORELAI: Well, if it isn't Dean Moriarty.
[CUT TO INTERSTATE ROAD - LUKE'S TRUCK - NIGHT]
[Scene switches between Luke's truck and Lorelai's sofa]
LUKE: Yeah, this is the life.
LORELAI: So, are Liz and T.J. okay?
LUKE: Yeah, they're just not getting around too well. Liz is all panicked that if they don't finish out the season, they're gonna lose their spot next to the apple doll booth, which is apparently the prime spot, so I said I'd help them out.
LORELAI: Very chivalrous of you.
LUKE: Yeah, I'm a regular Lancelot. So, you get my messages?
LORELAI: Oh, no, did you leave a message? Sorry, my answering machine dropped dead of exhaustion. What did you say?
LUKE: Not much.
LORELAI: Okay.
LUKE: So...
LORELAI: So...
LUKE: That was a hell of a test run.
LORELAI: You mean for the inn, of course.
LUKE: Of course.
LORELAI: Yes, it was. Although, you know, until you have a successful second go-round, you really don't know if everything's gonna work.
LUKE: Then I guess there's got to be a second go-round. [smiles]
LORELAI: Well, yes, it's the only thing that makes really good business sense. So, where are you right now?
LUKE: About 10 minutes from "if I lived here, I'd blow my brains out."
LORELAI: Ah, yes, I hear it's lovely there this time of year. | Plan: A: Rory; Q: Who decides to take a break from Dean and her mother? A: the Dean situation; Q: What does Rory refuse to discuss with Lorelai? A: Dean; Q: Who provokes an argument with Lindsay after leaving Rory's house? A: Lorelai anguish; Q: What does Rory's refusal to discuss Dean cause? A: Emily; Q: Who announces that she and Richard have separated? A: Sookie; Q: Who is ecstatic when Kirk tells her that Luke and Lorelai kissed? A: Luke; Q: Who heads off to Maine for a week to help Liz and T.J. with their Ren Faire booth? A: a lot; Q: How much action did Rory's attempt to meet Dean lead to? A: the right path; Q: What do Lorelai and Luke reassure each other that they're on? A: her invitation; Q: What does Rory's grandmother offer her to go to Europe? Summary: Things are still testy between Lorelai and Rory, and Rory's refusal to discuss the Dean situation causes Lorelai anguish; Emily announces that she and Richard have separated; Sookie is ecstatic when Kirk tells her that Luke and Lorelai kissed; Rory's attempt to meet Dean and discuss what happened leads to a lot of action, but no talk; Dean provokes an argument with Lindsay after leaving Rory's house; Emily decides to go to Europe and invites Rory to accompany her; Lorelai and Luke are very tentative with each other the day after until they are able to reassure each other that they're on the right path; Luke heads off to Maine for a week to help Liz and T.J. with their Ren Faire booth; Rory decides that she needs a break from both Dean and her mother, and decides to take her grandmother up on her invitation to go to Europe. |
The Ribos Operation
First broadcast 2nd September, 1978 5:45pm - 6:10pm
[SCENE_BREAK]
1: INT. TARDIS CONSOLE ROOM
(The Doctor is stretched out across the floor, his scarf trailing all the way across the room. Before him is his newest companion - K-9 Mark II, the replica of his recently departed robot dog. He blows a dog whistle at the robot experimentally. K-9 lifts his head...)
K-9: Master.
(The Doctor laughs heartily, pulling himself up.)
DOCTOR: It works, K-9, it works! Listen, I've got a little surprise for you.
K-9: Master?
DOCTOR: You and I are going away on holiday.
K-9: Affirmative.
DOCTOR: A nice, long holiday.
K-9: Affirmative.
DOCTOR: Would you like that, K-9?
K-9: (nodding his head) Affirmative, affirmative, affirmative...
(The Doctor pats K-9's head, gets up and walks around the console.)
DOCTOR: Shh, shh, shh, shh. Holligan three's lovely, K-9. Nothing like it - creatures, palm trees, sunshine all day, hot and...
(At that point, the lights on the TARDIS go out. Even the ones on the console. The normal hum of the ship fades to silence. Suddenly, the TARDIS doors open of their own accord, and brilliant white light shines into the room. Somewhere, a harpsichord is playing a formal, noble tune. The Doctor squints as he gazes into the light.)
DOCTOR: Yes?
VOICE: (booming, echoing, male) YOUR PRESENCE IS REQUIRED.
DOCTOR: Loo...l-l-listen, I-I-I-I don't wish to appear rude, but...who are you?
VOICE: DO YOU REALLY NEED TO ASK, DOCTOR?
DOCTOR: Well...only a Guardian...
(A crack of thunder echoes through the TARDIS.)
DOCTOR: Oh, I see.
(He bows his head reverently.)
DOCTOR: Well, in that case, sir...
GUARDIAN: YOU WILL COME TO NO HARM.
DOCTOR: Just as you say...
(He takes a deep breath, and walks into the light...)
[SCENE_BREAK]
2: EXT. PLAIN
(We look out at an arid desert, sometime in mid-day. Your average, ordinary rocky desert - except for the lounge chair and beach umbrella stuck rather stupidly on the wastes. As the Doctor notices the chair, a figure fades into existence on it - an elderly man with silver Van Dyke beard and hat, dressed in white from head to foot. A red rose is tucked on his lapel. He fades in, taking a long sip of green wine, which he places on the small table which faded in to his side.)
GUARDIAN: Doctor, you have been chosen for a vitally important task.
DOCTOR: That's very flattering, sir.
GUARDIAN: It concerns the Key to Time. You know of the Key to Time?
DOCTOR: Well, I've heard a few stories. Old legends, myths - that sort of thing.
GUARDIAN: (sharply) It is no myth.
DOCTOR: (without missing a beat) Sorry, sir.
(As the Guardian speaks, an image begins to form before us - that of a shimmering crystalline cube, spinning on its corner.)
GUARDIAN: The Key to Time is a perfect cube, which maintains the equilibrium of time itself. It consists of six segments, and these segments are scattered and hidden throughout the cosmos. When they are assembled into the cube, they create a power which is too dangerous for any being to possess.
DOCTOR: (grins helpfully) Well hidden then, I hope sir.
GUARDIAN: There are times, Doctor, when the forces within the universe upset the balance to such an extent that it becomes necessary to stop everything.
DOCTOR: STOP EVERYTHING?!?
(The Guardian takes another sip.)
GUARDIAN: Uh, for a brief moment only.
DOCTOR: Ah.
GUARDIAN: Until the balance is restored. Such a moment is rapidly approaching. These segments must be traced and returned to me before it is too late, before the Universe is plunged into eternal chaos.
DOCTOR: Eternal chaos?
GUARDIAN: Eternal as you understand the term.
DOCTOR: Look, I'm sure there must be plenty of other Time Lords who'd be delighted...
GUARDIAN: I have chosen YOU.
DOCTOR: Yes, I was afraid you'd say something like that. (brightens) Ah! You want me to volunteer, is that it?
GUARDIAN: (smiles) Precisely.
DOCTOR: And if I don't?
GUARDIAN: Nothing.
DOCTOR: Nothing? You mean nothing will happen to me?
GUARDIAN: Nothing at all. EVER.
(It takes the Doctor exactly a second to get the double meaning.)
DOCTOR: Ah.
(The Doctor thinks about it.)
DOCTOR: What do they look like, these segments? How will I know them?
GUARDIAN: They're all disguised.
DOCTOR: (nods) Yes, I thought they might be.
GUARDIAN: They contain the elemental force of the Universe. They can be in any shape, form or size.
DOCTOR: Then how will I recognize them?
GUARDIAN: You will be given a locator.
DOCTOR: (relieved) Thank you.
GUARDIAN: And an assistant.
DOCTOR: An assis... Oh please, sir, on an assignment like this, I'd much rather work alone. In my experience, assistants mean trouble! I have to protect them and show them and teach them and couldn't I...couldn't I just manage with K-9?
GUARDIAN: K-9 is a mere machine.
DOCTOR: He is a VERY sensitive machine! Sorry sir.
GUARDIAN: You will find your assistant waiting for you in the TARDIS.
DOCTOR: Very well, SIR. If you insist.
(The Doctor starts to go.)
GUARDIAN: One final thing, Doctor...
(The Doctor turns back around.)
DOCTOR: YES?!?
GUARDIAN: I am the White Guardian. In order to maintain the universal balance, there is also a Black Guardian - and he also requires the Key to Time. But for a different purpose...an evil purpose. He must not get it. At all costs, Doctor, you MUST prevent that.
DOCTOR: (getting snide) HOW am I to prevent THAT?
GUARDIAN: Beware the Black Guardian.
DOCTOR: Beware the Black Guardian...
GUARDIAN: Beware...beware.
(With that, the White Guardian takes another sip of wine and disappears.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
3: INT. TARDIS CONSOLE ROOM
(The Doctor stalks into the TARDIS and kneels by K-9 again. The power's back on now.)
DOCTOR: I'm so sorry, K-9. The holiday's off.
WOMAN'S VOICE: Doctor?
(The Doctor winces.)
DOCTOR: (whispering to K-9) That's the new assistant.
(A tall, slender woman. Looks a LOT like "Star Trek's" Jadzia Dax. Brunette, hair done up in a beehive with tiara. Long flowing white robes, not unlike Princess Leia's. Silver sandals. A brief flash of mile-long leg. A clear-plastic wand of some sort in her hand. K-9 wags his ears at the newcomer.)
WOMAN: My name is Romanadvoratnelundar.
DOCTOR: I'm so sorry about that. Is there anything we can do?
WOMAN: ROMANADV...er...aw heck, just call her Romana. The President of the Supreme Council sent me.
(K-9 takes a "step" back. Romana kneels down and offers the Doctor the wand-thing.)
ROMANA: I was told to give you this.
(The Doctor takes it.)
DOCTOR: What's this?
ROMANA: According to my instructions, it's the core to the Key of Time.
DOCTOR: Ah.
ROMANA: (bright smile) It's very exciting, isn't it?
DOCTOR: Yes, I suppose it must be...for someone as young and inexperienced as you are.
ROMANA: (bristles) I may be "inexperienced", but I did graduate from the Academy with a triple first.
(The Doctor almost busts out laughing.)
DOCTOR: I suppose you think we should be impressed by that too?
ROMANA: Well, it's better than scraping through with 51% on the second attempt.
(The Doctor (almost literally) hits the ceiling. He paces around the room, twiddling the wand around his hands absent-mindedly.)
DOCTOR: THAT INFORMATION'S CONFIDENTIAL!!! That President...I should've thrown him at Suntowers when I had the chance.
ROMANA: (indicating the wand) Oh, do you want to know how that works?
DOCTOR: I KNOW how it works!!
(He's really getting sore. She's hit his every wrong button, and he has yet to find one of hers. And he clearly doesn't know what to do with the wand.)
ROMANA: You have to plug it into your TARDIS controls. Just there.
(The Doctor's jaw drops as he leans in close to the area of the console Romana pointed out.)
DOCTOR: A hole...? What's a hole doing in my TARDIS?!?
ROMANA: I put it there.
DOCTOR: YOU?!? You put a hole in my... (to the TARDIS, soothingly) Never mind, old girl, never mind, I'll soon have it fixed.
(He kisses the console.)
ROMANA: (as if she's reciting it from a book) When plugged into the control console, the core indicates the space-time coordinates of each segment of the Key.
DOCTOR: Well, that's clever. That's very clever.
(He experimentally sticks the thin end of the wand into the hole. A perfect fit. A buzz comes from the console.)
DOCTOR: Ah! 4180.
ROMANA: I'll look up those coordinates, shall I.
DOCTOR: No, there's no need.
ROMANA: Well, don't you want to know what planet it is?
DOCTOR: I know - Selenis Minima.
ROMANA: (blinks) Oh.
(The Doctor finally hits a button.)
DOCTOR: (grins) Just a matter of experience.
ROMANA: Yes...of course...
DOCTOR: What else does it do?
ROMANA: Well, it locates the segment at close range once we've landed on the appropriate planet.
DOCTOR: Uh-huh. Well, that could be very useful.
ROMANA: And then when it's brought into contact with a disguised segment, it converts it back into its proper form. What would you like me to do?
DOCTOR: Well...
(He walks over and leans in close to this over-eager young woman.)
DOCTOR: I'd like you to stay out of my way as much as possible. And try and keep out of trouble. (on her look) I don't suppose you can make tea?
ROMANA: Tea??
DOCTOR: No no, I don't suppose you can. They don't teach you ANYthing useful at the Academy, do they.
(He turns back to the console, muttering to himself.)
DOCTOR: Gadgets are a gimmick. Never touch, never trust gimmicky gadgets...
ROMANA: That's hardly a gimmick, Doctor.
(He works at the console, and points at a screen.)
DOCTOR: Uh-uh...
ROMANA: What?
DOCTOR: Look.
(He waits for Romana to join him.)
DOCTOR: The coordinates have changed. They're different already.
[SCENE_BREAK]
4: EXT. CASTLE - NIGHT
(We're at the top of a castle tower somewhere, during a winter evening. It's snowing. A young man in furs pulls himself over the wall of the tower, having clearly taken the hard way up.)
VOICE: (from below) Unstoffe! Hey, Unstoffe, you blithering idiot, give a hand!!
(Unstoffe turns and pulls another man - balding, chubby, in furs - up into the tower.)
UNSTOFFE: Come on the edge. It's slippery.
CLIMBER #2: It's not only slippery, it's punishing cold! Now come on, let's get crackin'.
(The two climbers kneel down next to what looks like a round steel manhole. They begin unscrewing it.)
CLIMBER #2: Now, go on, before we get caught up here.
(They both pull the cover off the manhole. A distant chime booms from nearby.)
UNSTOFFE: Curfew.
CLIMBER #2: Yeah. The moment it stops, drop the meat.
[SCENE_BREAK]
5: INT. CASTLE
(Inside the apparently palatial castle, one man in furs continues ringing the bell as another cuts out the electric torches with an eagle-head sceptre. We get a good look at a giant glass case in the middle of the room, filled with golden swords, golden sceptres, golden cross-topped orbs, and golden crowns - lots of golden crowns. All of the guards, after bowing to the guy in black furs with the sceptre and bowing to the case, leave. The man then bows to the case himself.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
6: EXT. CASTLE TOWER
(A bloody side of beef is chucked down the manhole. Growling noises ensue from within.)
UNSTOFFE: You sure that'll work?
CLIMBER #2: Don't worry. The ladder...come on...get those grapples on there.
(Unstoffe unpacks a chain ladder from their gear. He starts hooking one end of the ladder onto the manhole.)
CLIMBER #2: The other one...drop it...that's the idea.
(He hooks the other end and lets the ladder drop down the hole.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
7: INT. CASTLE
(The man in black furs closes and bars the door to the glass case room. He clacks the sceptre once on the floor. Two men in furs beside him start pulling on a rope...)
[SCENE_BREAK]
8: INT. CASTLE - RELIC ROOM
(...and, as if connected, a small wall panel lifts up. Large, green, scaly, bloodstained claws begin to yank at the panel, trying to force it all the way up.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
9: EXT. CASTLE
UNSTOFFE: Why is it always me? Why do I always get these jobs?
CLIMBER #2: You're young. I'm too old to go down there.
UNSTOFFE: Well, I want a chance to be old too!
CLIMBER #2: Unstoffe, at your age I would've climbed down there without the ladder. I'd have gone! I love danger!
UNSTOFFE: Ah! Now you admit it - it IS dangerous!
CLIMBER #2: Don't make me lose faith in you, my boy. Now it's time you went.
(Unstoffe sighs, wraps something around his neck, and starts climbing down the ladder. Climber #2 settling himself against the wall.)
CLIMBER #2: Have you got the Jethrik?
UNSTOFFE: (straining) Of course!
CLIMBER #2: Well, don't drop it wherever. Guard it with your life.
UNSTOFFE: WHAT?!?
CLIMBER #2: Well, I-I mean, just guard it. Remember its value.
(Timidly, Unstoffe disappears into the manhole.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
10: INT. CASTLE - SECRET ROOM / TROPHY
(The ladder stops in a dark hay-filled room. The relic room is clearly visible at the far wall, as is the giant green lizard next to it. Although its large yellow eyes are open, it thankfully seems to be snoring. Unstoffe continues on into the trophy room, unslinging the small cloth bag he had around his neck. He pulls out a small suction cup that he sticks to the glass case, and a small knife he uses to cut around the cup.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
11: INT. TARDIS CONSOLE ROOM
(Romana has lost the tiara and put her wavy shoulder-length hair down. She's brushing it out as the Doctor sulks against the doors.)
ROMANA: You're sulking.
DOCTOR: I'm NOT sulking.
ROMANA: That's ridiculous for someone as old as you are.
DOCTOR: I'm NOT old.
(Romana snorts in derision.)
DOCTOR: WHAT?!?
ROMANA: 759?
DOCTOR: 756! That's not old. That's just mature.
ROMANA: (amazed) You've lost count somewhere.
DOCTOR: Well, I ought to know my own age!
ROMANA: Yes, but after the first few centuries, I expect things get a little bit foggy, don't they?
(The Doctor gets to his feet again, flinging down the end of his scarf and leaning against the console.)
DOCTOR: Now listen. It's no good. This isn't going to work.
ROMANA: Doctor, you're not giving me a chance. It's funny you know, but before I met you, I was even willing to be impressed.
DOCTOR: Indeed.
ROMANA: Oh yes. Of course, now I realize that your behaviour simply derives from a subtransitory experiential hypertoid induced condition, aggravated, I expect, by multi and cathological tensions.
DOCTOR: What's that supposed to mean?
ROMANA: Well, to put it very simply, Doctor, you're suffering from a massive compensation syndrome.
DOCTOR: Is that the rubbish they pour into your head at the Academy?
ROMANA: Do you know, I might even use your case in my thesis.
DOCTOR: I'll show YOU whether I'm suffering from a "massive compensation syndrome"!! And you're not going back to Gallifrey. Not for a long time yet, I regret to say.
(He stares at her hard for a moment, then...)
DOCTOR: Read out those coordinates again.
(Romana moves her brush from the console to have a look.)
ROMANA: 4940. Vector's unchanged.
DOCTOR: Same as before. Distance?
ROMANA: 116 parsecs.
(The Doctor checks the console.)
DOCTOR: 116 parsecs...must be the planet of Ribos. If it changes again while we're in the vortex, we could lose it. On the other hand...
ROMANA: Ooh, take a chance.
DOCTOR: I'LL make the decisions here!!!
ROMANA: (that wicked cat-like smile again) Well, what should we do?
(The doctor thinks about it.)
DOCTOR: We'll take a chance.
[SCENE_BREAK]
12: INT. RELIC ROOM
(In place of the golden piece of royalty that sat there a moment ago, Unstoffe has placed a bluish lump of rock. He pulls out a small cylinder and starts to wave it around the open hole in the case when a beeping noise erupts from his wrist. He flips open the small armband the beeping's coming from.)
UNSTOFFE: Yes, what is it Garron?
[SCENE_BREAK]
13: EXT. CASTLE
(Garron (our second climber) speaks into his own armband. A strange noise can be heard from nearby.)
GARRON: The Graff Vynda-K is arriving. I'm going to go and meet him.
[SCENE_BREAK]
14: INT. RELIC ROOM
GARRON: (over comm) This is Blue 40 signing off, wilco. Garron out.
UNSTOFFE: Roger. It's "Roger," you stupid old Blue 40!
[SCENE_BREAK]
15: EXT. CASTLE - OUTER FOYER
(Just inside the castle's lower level, a pair of black, fur-wearing men - one young and moustachioed, the other middle-aged, scarred and stubble-faced, and flanked by black-armoured men - face Garron, who offers a scroll to them. Garron, rather than the rough accent he was speaking with Unstoffe, now speaks in a long-winded, haughty tone.)
GARRON: Allow me to present my credentials...
BLACK-FURRED MAN (the young one): Can we get out of this wind first? It's cutting through me like a laser.
GARRON: And the court is prepared for your Highness, but, um...your escort...
BLACK-FURRED MAN: What about them?
GARRON: (indicating the guards) Well, my letter did stress the necessity for discretion. I mean, soldiers stomping about, you know...
2'ND BLACK-FURRED MAN: The Graff never travels without his personal guard.
GARRON: Please. These are primitive people, easily panicked. If any of you frighten them, they could turn very nasty. We don't want any unpleasantness at this stage, do we?
GRAFF: (rubbing his arms for warmth) Oh, let's get inside. Send the guard back, Sholakh.
SHOLAKH (the 2'nd black furred guy): Highness. (to the guards) Royal guard, return to your ship. Dismissed!!
(The guards turn and leave.)
GARRON: (gestures) Ah, this way, Highness.
(The Graff and Sholakh follows the guy into the castle. The foyer is now empty. And a good thing too, because a second later, the TARDIS wheezes and groans into existence where they were standing. The Doctor and Romana step out. Romana is definitely not dressed for this weather, but thankfully the Doctor has a white fur coat tucked under his arm.)
DOCTOR: (takes a deep breath) Ha ha! Fresh!
ROMANA: (rubbing her arms furiously) It's bitter.
DOCTOR: Can't stand the cold, stay out of the freezer. Which way?
ROMANA: What?
DOCTOR: Well, you've got the core.
ROMANA: Oh, yes!
(She checks the wand in her hand. It begins clicking like a Geiger counter as she points it at the castle building.)
ROMANA: Through there. It's a strong signal.
DOCTOR: Good. Now pay attention - I'm not anticipating any trouble, but it's worth it to be prepared for these things. Ground rules - Rule #1: Do exactly as I say. Rule #2: Stick close to me. And Rule #3: Let me do all the talking. Is that perfectly clear?
ROMANA: You couldn't make it clearer.
DOCTOR: Good.
(The Doctor starts to go, then remembers...)
DOCTOR: One more thing. Your name...
ROMANA: What about my name?
DOCTOR: It's too long. By the time I've called "Look out..." What's your name?
ROMANA: Romanadvoratnelundar.
DOCTOR: By the time I've called THAT out, you could be dead. I'll call you "Romana".
ROMANA: I don't like "Romana"!
DOCTOR: (seething) It's either "Romana" or "Fred"!!
ROMANA: (grins) All right. Call me "Fred".
DOCTOR: Good. Come on, Romana. (suddenly remembers) Here, try it on for size.
(He dumps the white fur coat in Romana's hands. She slips it over her shoulders.)
ROMANA: Oh.
(The Doctor walks out of view.)
DOCTOR: The secret of survival is always to expect the unexpected...
(WHIIRRR -- CLANGG!!!!)
DOCTOR: OH!!
(Romana glances over at the Doctor. We find him dangling helplessly inside a hanging net, looking pretty stupid.)
ROMANA: Ah. I think this is to stop animals wandering into the city at night. There's a cocking lever there, just beneath the keystone.
DOCTOR: Yes...I wondered if you'd notice that. That's good. That's very good, very good.
[SCENE_BREAK]
16: INT. CASTLE - SUITE
(Your typical medieval deluxe lodgings. Plenty of furs and pillows around, candles and torches, a small table. The Graff and Sholakh pull off their fur coats as Garron watches and continues talking in his stuffy, long-winded way.)
GARRON: Ribos orbits its sun elliptically, so its climate is one of extremes. For the natives, the seasons are called "Ice Time" and "Sun Time."
(With the coats removed, the Graff and Sholakh appear to be nobles of some sort - white, black and gold trim for the Graff with a golden breastplate, silver breastplate and chain-mail clothes for Sholakh. The two take a seat.)
GRAFF: How long are the seasons?
GARRON: Approximately 32 of your years, Highness. Unfortunately, of course, you're not seeing the planet at its best just now.
(The GRAFF grabs a flagon of wine.)
GRAFF: If I bought it, Garron, it would not be my intention to spend a lot of time here.
GARRON: For someone in your exalted position, Highness, I should've thought it would've made an ideal second home. I get very few properties so central and so convenient. Only three light-centuries from the Magellanic Clouds.
SHOLAKH: Is Shur the only city?
GARRON: The principal city. There are several settlements to the north, though I've never seen them. Oh, incidentally, if anyone asks you where we're from, just say "The North." I've arranged a travel pass in case of any problems.
GRAFF: Do they know anything about the world?
GARRON: Nothing, Highness.
SHOLAKH: They know that this planet is within the great Sarenic Empire, and that they are protected by the forces of the Alliance?
GARRON: Beyond their comprehension. They are only primitive British peasants, you see.
GRAFF: The property becomes more unattractive every minute.
GARRON: There's a great demand for planets that are completely unspoiled and so central. There are very few of them coming on the market today.
GRAFF: A predictable reply, Garron. You're interested in making a sale?
GARRON: And you are interested in buying, Highness, or you'd not be here. So we're really discussing how much you're willing to pay. Am I right?
GRAFF: A great deal less than the 10 million opecs you're asking.
GARRON: The Magellanic Mining Conglomerate set that valuation.
GRAFF: But you are empowered to accept an offer?
(Garron places a small box filled with papers by the Graff.)
GARRON: I leave the documents of title and mortgage for you to read. And tomorrow, if you're still interested, it will be my pleasure to show you over the city. Until then, may you rest in peace.
(And with that, he leaves. Graff takes a paper.)
GRAFF: I think he'll take 6 million.
(Sholakh takes a paper himself and crosses over to the Graff.)
SHOLAKH: Highness...this is interesting.
GRAFF: What is it?
SHOLAKH: The Conglomerate's mineralogical survey.
(The Graff takes the paper and looks it over. He compares it with his paper.)
GRAFF: Almost 50 years ago. That soon after they acquired title...bismuth, cadmium, ire...
(He leaps out of his chair.)
GRAFF: JETHRIK?!?!
SHOLAKH: What is it, Highness?
GRAFF: .0001% of mass?!? That's not possible, Sholakh!! That must be a mistake!!
(Sholakh looks over the paper.)
SHOLAKH: Highness...?
GRAFF: Jethrik, the rarest and most valuable mineral in the galaxy!!!
SHOLAKH: As you say. A mistake? If it were true, the Conglomerate would not be selling.
(The Graff looks over his first paper.)
GRAFF: Ahhhh, but wait. There's a condition. "While relinquishing free hold and sojournity over the planet Ribos in the constellation of Skyther, Magellanic Mining," etc., etc..."retains to itself its subsidiaries and appointed agents the exploitation of the mineral wealth of the said planet in perpetuity." They KNOW about it, Sholakh!
SHOLAKH: Does this affect your Highness's plans?
GRAFF: Sholakh, jethrik could guarantee success, and quicker than ever seemed possible!
[SCENE_BREAK]
17: INT. CASTLE - CORRIDOR
(Garron's listening to the whole thing on his armband communicator.)
GRAFF: (on comm) This planet contains a fortune, don't you see?!? And all we have to do is dig it out!
GARRON: Good thinking, Graff.
(The sound of heavy footsteps makes Garron slam shut his communicator. He swaggers, regaining his "old voice" as the Doctor and Romana walk by.)
GARRON: 4 o'clock and all's well!
(Garron walks away. The Doctor does a double-take.)
DOCTOR: Extraordinary.
ROMANA: What is?
DOCTOR: What you heard.
ROMANA: "4 of the clock and all's well?" Obviously just a ritual greeting and reassurance.
DOCTOR: But he said it in a Somerset accent. Somerset's one of the Earth countries.
ROMANA: Oh, but there's no space service to Ribos, Doctor. According to Bartholomew's Planetary Gazetteer, it has a protected Class 3 society. So there can't be any Earth aliens on Ribos.
DOCTOR: Maybe he's a cricket scout. Yeah, they could do with a good leg spinner.
ROMANA: What's that supposed to mean?
DOCTOR: What? Oh nothing, nothing. Remember Rule #1. Come on.
(A bit baffled to say the least, Romana follows him down the corridor.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
18: INT. CASTLE - SUITE
SHOLAKH: Highness, we must not lose sight of our plan.
GRAFF: Do you think I ever shall? Do you think I can rest for one moment until I've won back the Levithian crown which is mine by right? Everything - EVERYTHING - must be subordinate to that purpose!
SHOLAKH: Forgive me, Highness. I know that nothing will ever weaken your resolve.
GRAFF: Correct, Sholakh. But it would seem that Providence has placed in my hand the weapon already forged.
SHOLAKH: I don't understand.
GRAFF: Sholakh, this planet is ideally placed for use as a forward base. But to give it to technology, to train primitives in a thousand skills, to raise a battle fleet with which to conquer our homeland - would be the work of a lifetime.
SHOLAKH: There is no better way to spend a lifetime.
GRAFF: But if we can find this jethrik...if we mine it and sell it...we could HIRE an army and 100 battle cruisers!
SHOLAKH: You mean from outside the Alliance?
GRAFF: Well, of course! Pontinese ships, mercenaries from Schlangy - why, it might not even be necessary to sell the jethrik. We could trade with them directly.
SHOLAKH: Oh...dangerous if it came to the ears of the Alliance.
GRAFF: The time saved would be worth the risk.
[SCENE_BREAK]
19: INT. CASTLE - CORRIDOR
(The Doctor and Romana are now just outside the trophy room. The wand is clicking louder and louder.)
ROMANA: (indicating the door) It's something through there.
(They stroll past the snoring guard. The Doctor unbars the door, but there's still a lock.)
DOCTOR: Did they teach you anything about locks at the Academy?
ROMANA: No, of course not.
(The Doctor pulls out his trusty sonic screwdriver.)
DOCTOR: Sonic screwdriver. You'll like this. Keep an eye on the sentry.
ROMANA: Why?
DOCTOR: Sleeping on duty's a serious offence. If anyone comes, you can wake him up.
ROMANA: You do know that sarcasm's an adjusted stress reaction?
(The sonic screwdriver whirrs, unlocking the door. The door swings open.)
ROMANA: Very impressive.
DOCTOR: (shrugs) It was nothing.
[SCENE_BREAK]
20: INT. RELIC ROOM
(The first thing the two see is the various displays around the room.)
DOCTOR: Ceremonial regalia. Sacred relics.
ROMANA: Must be the state storeroom.
DOCTOR Hmm.
(Romana notices the glass case.)
ROMANA: Magnificent jewellery.
DOCTOR: (sarcastic) Oh, I bet. (serious) Let's just find the segment. It'll be daylight soon.
(The wand begins clicking like crazy as Romana approaches the case.)
ROMANA: It's something in here!
DOCTOR: Good. Let's locate it, convert it, and get out of here before the locals wake up.
[SCENE_BREAK]
21: EXT. CASTLE TOWER - EARLY MORNING
(A black-furred sentry walks from the castle interior out onto the balcony, holding a sack of meat. Chimes can be heard in the distance. As he leans down to open the manhole, Unstoffe appears from behind holding a small flagon.)
UNSTOFFE: Top o' the morning to you, my friend.
[SCENE_BREAK]
22: INT. RELIC ROOM
(Romana looks nervously at the outer door, then back to the case. The Doctor has wriggled under the case, trying to pry open the bottom with his sonic screwdriver.)
ROMANA: Why's it taking so long?
DOCTOR: Because they're multilevered interlocks.
ROMANA: Well, get on with it then!
DOCTOR: (as she leaves) "Get on with it? Get on..."
(He rolls his eyes and gets on with it.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
23: EXT. CASTLE TOWER
(The guard takes a long pull from the flagon Unstoffe gave him and returns it. Unstoffe shakes the flagon - nearly empty.)
UNSTOFFE: So, you might as well finish it off.
SHRIEVE: Any more of that stuff and I'll not be able the throw the Shrive...Shrivenzale in for its feed.
(The guard kneels down and starts to open the manhole.)
UNSTOFFE: Here, let me give you a hand.
SHRIEVE: Thanks.
(The manhole is opened. The guard looks down at it nervously.)
SHRIEVE: Is the...is the beast waiting there already? I...I...can't see...m-my eyes...
(The poisoned guard slumps over. Unstoffe drags him to the door. Checks his pulse - dead. Satisfied, Unstoffe looks over at the manhole, and picks up a horn the guard dropped. He gives it a toot.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
24: INT. RELIC ROOM
(Far below, Romana hears it. She closes the outer door.)
DOCTOR: One more to go.
(The horn toots again. Romana follows the sound to the half-open secret wall. She crawls inside the opening, right next to the sleeping lizard.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
25: INT. CORRIDOR
(Guards gather outside the door. The one with the sceptre stands at ready.)
SHRIEVE (with sceptre): Right. Lower away.
(The other guards begin working at a pulley...)
[SCENE_BREAK]
26: INT. RELIC ROOM
(...and the secret wall begins to shut! Romana gasps - the giant lizard is stirring, waking up.)
ROMANA: DOCTOR!!!
(The Doctor pulls himself out from under the case.)
DOCTOR: Romana?
ROMANA: Doctor, I'm over here!!
(He runs over to the secret door. Romana had tried to wriggle under the door, but now it's got her pinned, crushing her. The Doctor gets under as well, trying to push it up.)
ROMANA: QUICKLY!! DOCTOR, DO SOMETHING!!!!
(The giant lizard comes fully awake, face covered in blood - not its own blood - and ROARS. The Doctor's eyes go wide...)
[SCENE_BREAK]
Cue Doctor Who theme playing over energy whirlpool. | Plan: A: the Doctor; Q: Who is given a difficult task by the Guardian of Time? A: the six segments; Q: How many segments of the Key to Time are there? A: the Universe; Q: Who must be saved from eternal chaos? A: Romana; Q: Who is the Doctor's new assistant? A: the planet Ribos; Q: Where does the Doctor and Romana travel to on their mission? A: the first segment; Q: What segment of the Key to Time is protected by Shrivenzale? A: the monstrous Shrivenzale; Q: Who is protecting the first segment of the Key to Time? Summary: The Guardian of Time gives the Doctor a difficult task,and a new assistant. Together they must search for the six segments of the Key to Time, to prevent the Universe from being plunged into eternal chaos. On their mission, the Doctor and Romana travel to the planet Ribos where the first segment of the key is protected by the monstrous Shrivenzale. |
[Scene: Serena Fredrick's apartment. She puts down a bowl of food for her cat. (Later known as Kit.)]
Serena Fredrick: Come on, baby. Good girl. (She walks over to her altar and lights the candles with just a touch of her finger. You see someone standing outside her window. She starts saying a spell.) Ancient one of the earth so deep, master of moon and sun. I shield you in my wiccan way, here in my circle round, asking you to protect this space, and offer your sun force down. (Someone walks up behind her. She turns around.) What are you doing here? (The man pulled out a knife and plunged it in her stomach.)
[Scene: Halliwell manor. Piper walks through the front door.]
Piper: Prue?
Prue: In here, working on the chandelier.
Piper: Sorry I'm late.
Prue: What else is new? Piper, I would of been here to meet the electrician myself but you know I can't leave the museum until six. I didn't even have time to change.
Piper: I just didn't realise how long I was in China town. Did Jeremy call?
Prue: No, but he had some roses and a package delivered. What were you doing in China town? I thought that you had an interview in North Beach.
Piper: I did but I went to Young Lee market after my interview to get the ingredients for my audition recipe tomorrow.
Prue: So, that wolfgang-puck knock-off didn't hire you then?
Piper: No, but this just may get me the job.
Prue: Jeremy sent you port?
Piper: The ultimate ingredient for my recipe. Oh my God, I don't believe it. Tell me that's not our old spirit board?
Prue: Yeah, I found it in the basement when I was looking for the circuit tester.
Piper: (Reading the inscription on the back) "To my three beautiful girls. May this give you the light to find the shadows. The power of three will set you free. Love, Mom." We never did figure out what this inscription meant.
Prue: Well, maybe we should send it to Phoebe. That girl is so in the dark, maybe a little light will help.
Piper: You're always so hard on her.
Prue: Piper, the girl has no vision, no sense of the future.
Piper: I really think Phoebe's coming around.
Prue: Well, as long as she doesn't come around here I guess that's good news.
Opening Credits
[Scene: The witch's apartment. Police are there.]
Darryl: Well, it's about time.
Andy: I got here as soon as I heard. Another dead female, right? Mid to late twenties.
Darryl: I've been paging you for over an hour, Trudeau, where have you been?
Andy: Checking out a lead.
Darryl: What lead?
Andy: One that didn't go anywhere.
Darryl: You're avoiding my question.
Andy: Because you don't want to know that I went to an occult shop.
Darryl: You hate me don't you? You wanna see me suffer.
Andy: I wanna solve these murders. Someone's after witches.
Darryl: Women.
Andy: That woman up there, I bet she was killed with an athame.
Darryl: Wrong. Double edged steel knife.
Andy: Right. That's an athame. It's a ceremonial tool. Witch's use them to direct energy.
Darryl: That woman didn't direct jack. She was stabbed. Plain and simple.
Andy: Was she found in an altar?
Darryl: Yes.
Andy: Were there carvings on that altar?
Darryl: Just do me a favour. Don't even follow a lead without checking with me first.
Andy: You wanna go to occult shops?
Darryl: Get to work okay.
Jeremy: Jeremy Burns. San Francisco Chronicle. You care to comment?
Andy: A woman was stabbed. Plain and simple.
Jeremy: Well, that's the third one in three weeks.
(Andy walks off.)
[Scene: Halliwell manor. Prue is fiddling with the circuit tester.]
Prue: I don't get it. I have checked everything, there's no reason why the chandelier should not be working.
Piper: You know how we've been talking about what to do with the spare room? I think you're right, we do need a roommate.
Prue: We can rent the room at a reduce rate in exchange for some help around the house.
Piper: Phoebe's good with a wrench.
Prue: Phoebe lives in New York.
Piper: Not anymore.
Prue: What?
Piper: She left New York. She's moving back in with us.
Prue: You have got to be kidding.
Piper: Well, I could hardly say no. It's her house too. Grams left it to all three of us.
Prue: Yeah, months ago and we haven't seen or spoken to her since.
Piper: Well, you haven't spoken to her.
Prue: No, I haven't. Look, maybe you've forgotten why I'm still mad at her.
Piper: No, of course not but she had nowhere else to go. She lost her job, she's in debt.
Prue: And this is news? How long have you known about this anyway?
Piper: A couple of days, maybe a week-or two.
Prue: Thanks for sharing. When does she arrive?
(The front door opens and Phoebe walks in.)
Phoebe: Surprise! I found the hide-a-key.
Piper: Phoebe, welcome home.
Phoebe: Hello, Piper. (Piper and Phoebe hug.)
Piper: It's so good to see you. Isn't Prue?
Prue: I'm speechless.
(A car horn beeps.)
Phoebe: Oops. I forgot about the cab.
Piper: I'll get it. (She grabs Prue's purse.)
Prue: Piper, that's my purse.
Phoebe: Thanks. I'll pay you back.
Prue: Is that all that you brought?
Phoebe: That's all that I own and a bike. Look, I know that you don't want me here ...
Prue: We're not selling Grams' house.
Phoebe: Is that why you think I came back?
Prue: Look, the only reason Piper and I gave up our apartment and moved back here because this house has been in our family for generations.
Phoebe: No history lesson needed. I grew up here too. So can we talk about what's really bothering you?
Prue: No, I'm still furious with you.
Phoebe: So, you'd rather have a tense reunion filled with boring chitchat and unimportant small talk?
Prue: No, but otherwise we won't have anything to talk about.
Phoebe: I never touched Roger.
Prue: Whoa.
Phoebe: I know you think otherwise because that's what that Armani-wearing, Chardonnay-slugging, trust-funder told you ...
(Piper comes back in the house.)
Piper: Hey, I have a great idea. Why don't I make a fabulous reunion dinner.
Prue: I'm not hungry.
Phoebe: I ate on the bus.
Piper: Okay, we'll try the group hug later.
[Scene: Phoebe's room. Phoebe's stands in front of the mirror. The news is on the TV but she's not really watching it. Piper knocks on the door.]
Piper: It's me.
Phoebe: Come on in. (Piper is carrying a tray with drinks and food on it.) Thank God. I am starving.
Piper: Figured. (She sees Jeremy on TV.) Hey, that's my boyfriend, Jeremy. What happened?
Phoebe: Some woman got whacked.
Piper: Whacked? Phoebe, you've been in New York way too long.
Phoebe: Yeah, I should of stayed. Now, why didn't you tell her I was coming back?
Piper: And risk her changing the locks? I don't think so and besides, I think you should of been the one to tell her not me.
Phoebe: Good point, Chicken Little. It's just so hard for me to talk to her. She's always been more like a mother.
Piper: That's not her fault. She practically had to sacrifice ...
Phoebe/Piper: Her own childhood to raise us.
Phoebe: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Piper: And we're lucky she was so responsible. You and I had it easy, all we had to do was be there.
Phoebe: Yeah, well, I don't need a mum anymore, you know, I need a sister.
(Prue knocks on the door. She's holding a blanket.)
Prue: This was always the coldest room in the house.
Phoebe: Thanks.
(Prue leaves.)
[Scene: The murdered witch's apartment. Andy and Darryl are there along with people. Andy looks at the tattoo on her neck. It's a full circle with three interlocking arcs inside.]
Andy: It's the same tattoo that was on the other two victims.
Darryl: So, the murderer is killing occults.
Andy: No, the murderer's on witch hunts.
Darryl: Oh, yeah, he's five to eight years old and he lives in Salem. Look around, Trudeau. Pentagrams, altars, offerings, all the tools of a freak fest.
Andy: They call them Sabbaths. Which is hardly a freak fest. She was a solitary practitioner. She practiced her craft alone.
Darryl: Mmm.
Andy: Let me ask you something, Morris. Do you believe in U.F.O.'s?
Darryl: Hell, no.
Andy: Neither do I. But do you believe that there are people out there who do believe in U.F.O.'s?
Darryl: Yes, but I think they're crazy.
Andy: Well, then why can't you believe that there are people who believe they are witches.
Darryl: Look, all I know is if you don't stop talking about witches, I'm gonna start questioning you. (Kit jumps up on the bench. She meows. Andy goes over and pats her.) I'd stay away from that cat, Trudeau. It's been clawing the crap out of everybody. See you at the car.
(He leaves. Andy looks at Kit's collar. It has the same symbol on it that was tattooed on the witch.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Scene: Halliwell manor. Piper and Phoebe are sitting at the table playing with the spirit board.]
Phoebe: When did you meet Jeremy?
Piper: About six months ago - right before Grams died. We met in the hospital cafeteria the day Grams was admitted. He was covering a story and I was bawling over a bagel. So, he handed me a napkin.
Phoebe: How romantic.
Piper: As a matter of fact it was. The napkin had his phone number on it. (Phoebe laughs.) Stop pushing the pointer.
Phoebe: I'm not touching it.
Piper: You used to always push the pointer. More popcorn?
(She gets up and heads for the kitchen.)
Phoebe: Hey, I forgot your question.
Piper: (from the kitchen) I asked if Prue would have s*x other than herself this year.
Phoebe: That's disgusting. Please say yes. (The pointer moved to the letter 'A' by itself.) Piper. (It then moves to 'T'.) Piper, get in here!
Piper: What?
(Prue comes in.)
Prue: What did you guys do now?
Piper: Me? I didn't do anything.
Phoebe: The pointer on the spirit board. It moved on its own. (Prue and Phoebe stare at her.) I'm serious. It spelled 'A' 'T'.
Piper: Well, did you push it?
Phoebe: No.
Prue: You used to always push the pointer.
Phoebe: My fingers were barely touching it. Look. (She puts her fingers on the pointer. Nothing happens. Prue and Piper turn and start to leave. The pointer moves to the bottom of the board, then back to the letter 'T'.) Ah, it did it again! It moved!
(Prue and Piper turn back around and look at the board.)
Prue: It's still on the letter 'T'.
Phoebe: I swear it moved. (Prue leaves the room. The pointer moves again. Piper sees it too.) There. (She stands up.) Look. You saw that right?
Piper: I think so, yeah.
Phoebe: I told you I wasn't touching it. (The pointer moves again.)
Piper: Prue, can you come in here for a sec?
(Prue comes back in the room.)
Prue: Now what?
(Phoebe writes the letters down on an envelope.)
Phoebe: I think it's trying to tell us something. (She holds up the envelope.) Attic.
(There's a loud clap of thunder and the power goes out.)
[Cut to the foyer. Piper is walking towards the door. Prue is following her.]
Prue: Don't you think you're overreacting? We're perfectly safe here.
Piper: Don't say that. In horror movies, the person who says that is always the next to die.
Prue: It is pouring rain. There's a psycho on the lose. Jeremy's not even home.
Piper: Well I'll-I'll-I'll wait in the cab until he gets home.
Prue: That'll be cheap.
Piper: Prue, I saw that pointer move.
Prue: No, look, what you saw was Phoebe's fingers pushing the pointer. There's nothing in the attic, she's playing a joke on us.
Piper: We don't know that. We've lived in this house for months and we've never been able to get that attic door open. (She crosses the foyer and picks up the phone.) Great, now the phone doesn't work.
Prue: Yeah, the power's out. Look, go with me to the basement.
Piper: What?
Prue: I need you to hold the flashlight while I check out the main circuit box.
Piper: Phoebe will go with you to the basement won't you Phoebe.
Phoebe: Nope, I'm going to the attic.
Prue: No, you're not. We already agreed.
Phoebe: I am not waiting for some handyman to check out the attic and I'm certainly not waiting until tomorrow. I'm going now.
(Phoebe walks up the stairs. Prue goes into another room.)
Piper: Prue, wait.
[Cut to Phoebe. She tries to open the attic door but it's locked. She gives up and turns to walk back down the stairs. She hears a creak and turns to see the attic door opening. She walks inside. A light shines on a trunk and she walks over to it. She opens it and there's a book inside. She picks up the book and blows the dust off. She opens it.)
Phoebe: "The Book of Shadows." (She turns the page and starts reading.) "Hear now the words of the witches, the secrets we hid in the night, the oldest of Gods are invoked here, the great work of magic is sought. In this night and in this hour, I'll call upon the ancient power, bring your powers to we sisters three, we want the power, give us the power."
(Prue and Piper enter the attic.)
Prue: What are you doing?
Phoebe: Uh ... reading an incantation. It was in this Book of Shadows, I found it in that trunk.
Piper: How did you get in here?
Phoebe: The door opened.
Piper: Wait a minute, an incantation? What kind of incantation?
Phoebe: It said something about there being three essentials of magic. Uh, timing, feeling and phases of the moon. If we were ever gonna do this, now - midnight on a full moon - is the most powerful time.
Piper: This? Do what?
Phoebe: Receive our powers.
Piper: What powers? Wait, our powers? You included me in this?
Prue: No, she included all of us. (Reading from the book.) "Bring your powers to we sisters three." It's a book of witchcraft.
Piper: Let me see that.
[Cut to outside. A man is standing outside their house.]
[Cut back to inside. They are walking down the stairs.]
Prue: Spirit boards, books of witchcraft. It figures all this freaky stuff started when you arrived.
Phoebe: Hey, I wasn't the one who found the spirit board.
Prue: But it wasn't my fingers sliding around on the pointer.
Piper: It doesn't matter. Because nothing happened, right Phoebe, when you did that incantation?
Phoebe: Well, my head spun around and I vomited split-pea soup. How should I know?
Piper: Well, everything looks the same.
Phoebe: You're right.
Prue: But the house still needs work.
Piper: Everything feels the same, so nothing's changed.
[Cut to outside. The man that was standing there slowly walks off.]
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Scene: Outside Halliwell manor. Phoebe's sitting on the stairs drinking coffee. Piper comes out.]
Piper: You're up early.
Phoebe: I never went to sleep.
Piper: Don't tell me you put on a black conical hat and spent the night flying around the neighbourhood on a broomstick?
(She sits down next to Phoebe.)
Phoebe: The only broom I've ever had was kept in a closet beside a mop.
Piper: So what were you doing?
Phoebe: Reading. Is Prue around?
Piper: She went to work early. Reading aloud?
Phoebe: No. According to the Book Of Shadows, one of our ancestors was a witch, named Melinda Warren.
Piper: And we have a cousin who's a drunk, an aunt who's manic, and a father who's invisible. (She stands up.)
Phoebe: I'm serious. She practiced powers. Three powers. She could move objects with her mind, see the future and stop time. Before Melinda was burned at the stake, she vowed that each generation of Warren witches would become stronger and stronger, culminating in the arrival of three sisters. (They walk to Piper's car.) Now, these sisters would be the most powerful witches the world has ever known. They're good witches and I think we're those sisters.
Piper: Look, I know what happened last night was weird and unexplainable, but we're not witches and we do not have special powers besides, Grams wasn't a witch and as far as we know, neither was mum. (Piper kisses her on the cheek.) So take that Nancy Drew. (She gets in her car.)
Phoebe: We're the protectors of the innocent. We're known as the charmed ones. (Piper drives off.)
[Scene: The Museum of Natural History.]
Roger: There's been change of plan.
Prue: Change of plan regarding the Beals expedition?
Roger: The extra money that you help raise through private donations has sparked significant corporate interest. The Beals artefacts will now become part of our permanent collection.
Prue: Well, that's terrific.
Roger: Which is why the board wants someone a little more qualified to handle the collection from now on. You look surprised.
Prue: I don't know why. I'm furious. Not only have I been on this project since its inception, but I'm the curator who secured the entire exhibition. You're the person a little more qualified aren't you?
Roger: I could hardly say no to the board of directors, could I? But I know you'll be happy for me, after all, what's good for me is definitely good for you. Right, Miss Halliwell?
Prue: Miss Halliwell? Since when did we stop being on a first-name-basis? When we stopped sleeping together or when I returned your engagement ring, Roger?
Roger: I didn't realize the two were mutually exclusive. Although I certainly enjoyed one better than the other.
Prue: b*st*rd! (She turns to leave.)
Roger: Prue, wait. (She stops.) I feel like I should say something if only to avoid a lawsuit. (She leaves. Roger's pen in his pocket leaks and gets a blue ink spot on his shirt. He takes the pen out of his pocket and it squirts in his face.)
[Scene: Quake. Piper is in the kitchen making her audition meal. Just as she's pouring the port wine in a measuring cup, Chef Moore enters the kitchen.]
Chef Moore: (In his French accent) Your time is up. Let's see. (Reading the index card.) Roast pork with gratin of fennel and penne with a port giblet sauce.
Piper: Chef Moore ...
Chef Moore: What?
Piper: Uh, the port ...
Chef Moore: Yes, without the sauce it is nothing more than a salty marinara. A recipe from a woman's magazine. Puh!
Piper: I didn't have time for--
Chef Moore: Ah-ah!
Piper: But, but ... (He puts some on a fork and raises it to his mouth. Piper waves her hands around and he stops. He stands there like a statue.) Chef Moore? Chef Moore? (She waves her hand in front of his face.) Hello? Hello? (She picks up a baster and fills it up with some port. She dribbles some on Chef Moore's forkful of food. He unfreezes and puts it in his mouth.)
Chef Moore: Mmm ... this is very good. C'est magnifique.
[Scene: Museum of Natural History. Roger's office. He's sitting in his chair facing the window, talking on the phone.]
Roger: It was my idea to spark corporate interest in private donations. Not only have I been with this project since its inception, (Prue walks in his office.) but we both know who really secured the entire exhibit.) He swings around on his chair and sees Prue.) Prue ...
Prue: I quit.
Roger: (On the phone) I'm going to have to call you back. (He hangs up.) Think about this, Prue.
Prue: Lousy job, lousy pay, lousy boss. What's to think about?
Roger: Your future. Because, believe me, if you walk out with no notice, you can kiss any references--
Prue: Don't threaten me, Roger.
Roger: You know me. Had to try. You're hurt, you're angry, your pride is wounded. I understand all that. That's why you can't see that I'm doing you a favour.
Prue: Excuse me?
Roger: I had to take the exhibit away from you. If I hadn't, the board would of come and put a total stranger in my place. Think about it, Prue. I'm here for you. Not some stranger. You should be thanking me not leaving me.
Prue: Well, I'm not worried. I'm certain that your intellect will make quick work of the seventy-five computer discs and thousands of pages of research I left in my office.
Roger: You're gonna regret this.
Prue: Oh, I don't think so. I thought breaking up with you was the best thing I'd ever done. But this definitely tops that. Goodbye, Roger.
(She turns and leaves towards the door.)
Roger: I hope there are no office supplies in your purse. (She stops and wraps her hands around an imaginary neck. Roger's tie tightens around his neck and starts strangling him. He opens his draw and finds a pair of scissors. He cuts the tie off.) What the hell was that?
[Scene: On the sidewalk. Piper's in a phone booth.]
Piper: Phoebe, answer the phone. Answer the phone. (She hangs up and walks out of the booth. Jeremy walks up to her.) Oh, God, Jeremy you scared me.
Jeremy: I-I can see, I'm sorry. You okay?
Piper: Yeah, now I am. I really am. Um, what are you doing here?
Jeremy: Well, I wanted to be the first to congratulate you on your new job.
Piper: You always surprise me. How did you know?
Jeremy: You prepared your specialty, and everyone's who's ever sampled your work, can truly see how talented you are.
Piper: I get so turned on when you talk about food.
Jeremy: Hamburgers, pizza. (They kiss.)
[Scene: On the road. Phoebe is riding her bike. All of a sudden she has a premonition. In it she sees two boys on rollerblades and they skate right in front of a car which hits them. The premonition finishes. Phoebe continues riding and then sees the car and the two boys.]
Phoebe: No! Wait!
(She rides in front of the boys stopping them from skating in front of the car. The car honks and Phoebe falls off her bike.)
[Scene: Hospital. Prue walks up to the desk. Andy is standing there with his back turned.]
Prue: Hi, um, I'm looking for my sister, Phoebe Halliwell.
Nurse: One second please. (to Andy) What's the name again?
Andy: (to nurse) Inspector Andrew Trudeau. Homocide. Dr Gordon's expecting me.
Prue: Andy?
Andy: Prue? I don't believe it. How are you?
Prue: I'm good. How are you?
Andy: Fine. I just can't believe I'm running into you.
Prue: Yeah, I'm picking up Phoebe. She had some kind of accident.
Andy: Is she gonna be okay?
Prue: Yeah, she'll be fine. Um, what are you doing here?
Andy: Murder investigation.
(There's an awkward silence.)
Nurse: (to Prue) Your sisters still in x-ray's so it'll be another fifteen minutes. (to Andy) Do Gordon's office is to the left and down the hall. He's with a patient right now but you're free to wait outside his office.
Andy: Thank you.
Prue: Thank you.
Andy: Well, it's good seeing you, Prue. (They shake hands.)
Prue: Yeah, you too, Andy. Take care.
Andy: You know, Phoebe's busy, Dr Gordon's busy. Can I buy you a black cup of coffee while we wait?
Prue: Sure. (They walk towards the coffee machine.) So, you're an inspector now?
Andy: What can I say? In any other city I'd be called detective.
Prue: Inspector's classier.
Andy: Liking it better already.
Prue: Your dad must be so proud.
Andy: Third generation. You bet his happy. How about you? You taking the world by storm?
Prue: Well, I'm living back at Grams' house, and as of an hour ago, looking for work.
Andy: Oh.
Prue: I heard you moved to Portland.
Andy: I'm back. You, uh, still seeing Roger?
Prue: How did you know about him?
Andy: I know people.
Prue: You checked up on me?
Andy: I wouldn't call it that.
Prue: What would you call it?
Andy: Inquiring minds want to know. What can I say? I'm a detective.
[Scene: Quake. Prue and Phoebe are sitting at the bar.]
Prue: The Chosen Ones? The Charmed Ones? Phoebe, this is insane.
Phoebe: Are you telling me that nothing strange happened to you today? You didn't freeze time or move anything?
Roger: Roger took an exhibit away from me. All right, look, Phoebe, I know that you think you can see the future which is pretty ironic.
Phoebe: Since you don't think I have one, that my vision of life is cloudy compared to your perfect hell? Even if you don't want to believe me, just once can't you trust me?
Prue: Phoebe, I do not have special powers. Now, where is the cream?
(The cream moves by itself and fills her cup of coffee with cream.)
Phoebe: Really? That looked pretty special to me.
Prue: Oh my god. So, um, I can move things with my mind?
Phoebe: With how much you hold inside, you should be a lethal weapon by now.
Prue: I don't believe it.
Phoebe: This must mean that Piper can freeze time. (Prue grabs a shot of tequila and drinks it all.) Are you okay?
Prue: No, I'm not okay. You turned me into a witch.
Phoebe: You were born one. We all were. And I think we better start to deal with it.
[Cut to outside Quake. Phoebe and Prue start walking down the sidewalk.]
Phoebe: When I was looking through the Book Of Shadows, I saw these wood carvings. They looked like something out of a bosch paintings. All these terrifying images of three women battling different incarnations of evil.
Prue: Evil fighting evil, that's a twist.
Phoebe: Actually, a witch can be either good or evil. A good witch follows the wiccan rede. 'An it harm none, do what ye will.' A bad witch or a warlock has but one goal: to kill good witches and retain their powers. Unfortunately, the look like regular people. They could be anyone, anywhere.
Prue: And this has what to do with us?
Phoebe: Well, in the first wood carving, they were in the slumber, but in the second one, they were battling some kind of warlock. I think as long as we were in the dark about our powers we were safe. Not anymore.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Scene: In a cab. Piper is in it with Jeremy. She's holding a box of fortune cookies.]
Piper: Has anything weird or unexplainable ever happened to you?
Jeremy: Sure. It's called luck or fate or some people call it miracles. Why? What happened?
Piper: Forget it. Even if I could tell you, you'd swear I was crazy. Now open your fortune cookie.
(She hands him one.)
Jeremy: Okay. (He opens it and reads the bit of paper.) Soon you will be on top.
Piper: It doesn't say that.
Jeremy: Yes it does.
Piper: Let me see that. (She snatches the bit of paper off him.)
Jeremy: Is that a bad thing?
Piper: Of the world. Soon you will be on top of the world.
Jeremy: (to the cab driver) Can you make a left on 7th please.
Driver: You got it.
Piper: Hey, I thought that we were going to your place.
Jeremy: We are, but you reminded me of something. I wanna show you the old Bowing building. The view of the Bay bridge is amazing.
[Scene: Pharmacy.]
Pharmacist: (to Phoebe) I'll be right back with your prescription.
Phoebe: Take your time.
Prue: Excuse me, where do you keep the aspirin?
Pharmacist: Aisle three.
Phoebe: Chamomile tea works great for headaches.
Prue: Not for this one it won't.
(They wander up the aisle.)
Phoebe: You know I'm not afraid of our powers. I mean, everyone inherits something from their family, right?
Prue: Yeah, money, antiques, a strong disposition. That's what normal people inherit.
Phoebe: Who wants to be normal when we can be special?
Prue: I want to be normal, I want my life to be... you know, isn't this aisle 3?
Phoebe: Well, we can't change what happened. We can't undo our destiny.
Prue: Do you see any aspirin?
Phoebe: I see chamomile tea.
Prue: Look, I have just found out that I'm a witch, that my sisters are witches, and that we have powers that will apparently unleash all forms of evil. Evil that is apparently going to come looking for us. So excuse me Phoebe, but I'm not exactly in a homeopathic mood right now.
Phoebe: Then move you headache out of your mind. (She stares angrily at Phoebe and a bottle of aspirin flies off the shelf and Prue catches it.) You move things when you're upset.
Prue: This is ridiculous! I thought that you landed on your arm, not your head.
Phoebe: You don't believe me.
Prue: Of course I don't believe you.
Phoebe: Ro-ger. (A few more bottle of aspirin fly off the shelf.) Now let's talk about Dad and see what happens.
Prue: He's dead, Phoebe.
Phoebe: No, he's moved from New York, but he's very much alive.
Prue: He isn't to me. He died the day he left mum.
Phoebe: What are you talking about? He's always been a major button pusher for you. You're mad he's alive, you're mad I tried to find him, and you're mad I came back. Dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad. (All the medicines and bottles fly off the shelves.) Feel better?
Prue: Lots.
Phoebe: The Book of Shadows said our powers would grow.
Prue: Grow to what? (They laugh.)
[Scene: The old Bowing building. Jeremy opens the door.]
Jeremy: Well, here we are.
Piper: I don't care how amazing the view is. I'm not going in there.
Jeremy: Come on, come on. I have a surprise inside. (They step inside an elevator. Jeremy pressed the button and the elevator starts to go up.) You are gonna love this. I bet you tell Prue and Phoebe the moment you see them.
Piper: I never mentioned Phoebe came home.
Jeremy: Whoops. (He pulls out a knife.)
Piper: What is that?
Jeremy: It's your surprise.
Piper: Jeremy, stop it, you're scaring me. Damn it! I'm serious!
Jeremy: So am I. See, I've waited six months for this. Ever since Grams went to the hospital. I've known for some quite time that the moment that old witch croaked that all your powers would be released. Powers that would reveal themselves as soon as the three of you got together again. All that was needed was for Phoebe to return.
Piper: It was you wasn't it? You killed all those women.
Jeremy: Not women, witches!
Piper: Why?
(He raises his hand and flames come out of his finger tips.)
Jeremy: It was the only way to get their powers. (In a demonic voice.) And now I want yours.
(Piper screams as Jeremy raises his arm about to stab Piper. She puts her hands up and he freezes. The elevator freezes as well.)
Piper: Okay, think, stay calm. I gotta get outta here. Okay.
(She climbs up onto the next floor. Jeremy unfreezes and he grabs her leg. He tries to pull her back into the elevator but she grabs a wooden two-by-four and hits him over the head. He falls to the floor unconscious.)
[Scene: Halliwell manor. Phoebe presses play on the answering machine.]
Roger: Prue, it's Roger. I've decided to let you come back to work. Seriously, let's talk. Bye.
(Prue comes in holding a cat.)
Prue: Piper's definitely not home unless she's turned into a cat.
Phoebe: How'd the cat get in?
Prue: I don't know. Someone must of left the window open. Um, did Piper leave a message?
Phoebe: She's probably out with Jeremy. Roger called.
Prue: Yeah, I heard.
(The front door opens.)
Piper: Prue?
Phoebe: In here. (Piper locks the door.) Piper?
Prue: Oh my God, what is it? What's wrong?
Piper: Lock the doors, check the windows. We don't have a lot of time. Phoebe, in the Book Of Shadows, did it say how to get rid of a ...
Phoebe: Warlock?
Prue: Oh my God.
[Cut to the elevator. Jeremy is waking up. He grabs the knife and runs outside.]
Jeremy: I'll get you, you bitch.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Scene: Halliwell manor.]
Prue: I'm calling the cops.
Piper: And tell them what? That we're witches? That some freak with powers beyond comprehension is trying to kill us? Even if the cops did come, they'd be no match for Jeremy, and we'd be next.
Phoebe: (At the top of the stairs) I found the answer, come on.
[Cut to the attic. They are sitting in a circle on the floor around a low table. They have placed candles in a circle around them.]
Prue: Okay, we've placed the nine candles anointed with oil and spices in a circle.
Piper: Wait, I only count eight.
Phoebe: Oh you forgot this one. (She holds up a birthday candle.)
Piper: A birthday candle?
Phoebe: I guess Grams was a little low on witch supplies.
Prue: Alright, we need the poppet.
Piper: Got it.
(Phoebe lights the birthday candle and puts it in the pot.)
Prue: Right, we're set. Get ready to cast the spell.
Piper: Okay, first I'll make it stronger. (She gets a rose and places it on top of the poppet.) "Your love with wither and depart, from my life and my heart, let me be, Jeremy, and go away forever." (She presses the rose thorn into the poppet and places it in the pot.) Okay, the spell's complete.
Prue: Let's hope it works.
(They watch the poppet and rose burn. It then explodes and catches on fire.)
[Cut to Jeremy. He is walking down the street then suddenly he starts screaming in pain. Hundreds of thorns tear through his skin.]
[Cut to the attic. They are cleaning up. Phoebe picks up the pot and has a premonition.]
Phoebe: Wait! It didn't work.
Piper: What?
Phoebe: The spell, it didn't work.
Prue: How do you know?
Phoebe: When I touched the pot, I had a flash. I saw Jeremy.
Prue: You touched the pot and you saw him?
Phoebe: He's on his way here.
(They run out of the attic and down the stairs. They run to the door and Prue opens it. Jeremy is standing there. Piper and Phoebe scream.)
Jeremy: Hello, ladies. (Prue stands in front of Phoebe and Piper. They slowly walk backwards. Prue uses her power and he hits the wall.)
Prue: Piper, Phoebe, get out of here now! (They run upstairs.)
Jeremy: Cool parlor trick, bitch. You were always the tough one weren't you, Prue?
(She uses her powers again he hits the wall. She runs upstairs.)
Prue: Phoebe, you're right, our powers are growing.
Piper: Put as many things against the door as you can.
(They push a dresser against the door and puts a chair on top of it.)
Jeremy: (From outside) Take me now, Prue. My powers are stronger than yours. (He laughs.) Do you think a chair will stop me? (The chair slides off the dresser.) Do you think a dresser will stop me? (The dresser slides away from the door.) Have you witches figured it out yet? Nothing, nothing can keep us away. (He laughs again.)
Piper: What do we do? We're trapped.
(The door explodes and there stands Jeremy. Prue, Piper and Phoebe scream.)
Prue: Come on, we'll face him together. Do you remember the spirit board?
Piper: The inscription on the back.
Prue: The power of three will set us free. (A circle of fire surrounds them. They hold hands.) Come on, we gotta say it together.
Prue/Piper/Phoebe: The power of three will set us free. (They continue the chant over and over. Then strong wind blows around them. They keep chanting.)
Jeremy: I am not the only one! I am one of millions! In places you can't even imagine! In forms you would never believe! We are hell on earth!
(Jeremy explodes and disappears.)
Prue: The power of three.
[Scene: Halliwell manor. It's morning. Prue walks outside and grabs the paper.]
Andy: Good morning! (He's holding a paper and a cup of coffee.)
Prue: Hey, this is a surprise.
Andy: I've been feeling really guilty about that bad cup of coffee. I just want to make it up to you.
Prue: So, you brought me a good cup of coffee?
Andy: Oh this? No, this is mine. I, uh, just wanted to ask you out to dinner. Unless of course you're afraid.
Prue: Afraid of what?
Andy: Oh, you know, having too good of time, stirring up old memories, rekindling and old flame.
Prue: Hmm, good point, better not.
Andy: Okay. Friday night, eight o'clock? You're hesitating.
Prue: Yeah, but it's not what you think. It's just that ny life has gotten a bit complicated. Can I call you?
(He gives her his card.)
Andy: Take care, Prue.
Prue: Bye, Andy.
(He walks to his car. Phoebe and Piper come outside. Phoebe's holding the cat.)
Phoebe: It's Andy. I told you I heard a man's voice.
Piper: What did he want?
Prue: He asked me out.
Piper: And you said ...?
Prue: I started to say yes and then I stopped. I wondered if I could date. I mean, do witches date?
Piper: Not only do they date but they usually get the best guys.
Prue: You two will not be laughing when this happens to you. Believe me, everything will be different now.
Phoebe: Well, at least our lives won't be boring.
Prue: But they'll never be the same.
Phoebe: And this is a bad thing?
Prue: No. But it could be a big problem.
Piper: Prue's right. What are we gonna do?
Phoebe: What can't we do?
Prue: We are gonna be careful, we're gonna be wise and we're gonna stick together.
Piper: This should be interesting.
(Prue stands inside the house, looks at the door and shuts it with her power.) | Plan: A: The Halliwell sisters; Q: Who are reunited in the grand Victorian home of their childhood? A: the Book of Shadows; Q: What book does Phoebe discover in the attic? A: their inherent magical abilities; Q: What is activated when Phoebe reads the spell on the first page of the Book of Shadows? A: their newly developed powers; Q: What must the sisters keep secret? A: Inspector Andy Trudeau; Q: Who is Prue's ex-boyfriend? A: all witches; Q: Who are the victims of the serial killer? A: Piper; Q: Who narrowly escapes death when she discovers that her boyfriend Jeremy is the killer? A: an evil warlock; Q: What is Jeremy's profession? A: their first spell; Q: What did the sisters try that vanquished Jeremy? Summary: The Halliwell sisters are reunited in the grand Victorian home of their childhood. Phoebe discovers the Book of Shadows in the attic and when she reads the spell on the first page, their inherent magical abilities are activated. The sisters must try to keep their newly developed powers secret, while Prue's ex-boyfriend, Inspector Andy Trudeau , is investigating a serial killer whose victims are all witches. Piper narrowly escapes death when she discovers that her boyfriend Jeremy, an evil warlock, is the killer. When the sisters try their first spell, Jeremy is vanquished, and they discover the ancient Power of Three. |
HOSPITAL
Jamie looks at babies who were born. Nathan joins him.
JAMIE(voice-over): 353,015. That's how many babies will be born today. It seems weird to me that they weren't here yesterday...That they didn't have their parents and their parents didn't have them... That this is their first day ever. 353,015.
NATHAN: Hey, buddy. How you holding up?
JAMIE: Fine. How's mom?
NATHAN: She's good. She's being prepped, and they're getting her her room, and pretty soon, you'll have a baby sister.
JAMIE: How long does that take, dad?
NATHAN: That's hard to say. But I'll be with her. You're gonna hang out with Clay and Aunt Quinn, okay?
JAMIE: Okay. I want to stay, though. I don't want to go home until mom's okay, and Lydia, too.
NATHAN: You sure? Could be all night.
JAMIE: That's fine. I feel pretty strongly about it.
NATHAN: All right. Well, then, I have respect that. You, my man, are not a baby anymore.
JAMIE: Nope. But they are. Dad, do you remember when I was born?
NATHAN: Yeah. I sure do.
FLASHBACK, HOSPITAL
Haley gives birth at Jamie.
DOCTOR: It's a boy.
HALEY: You're a dad!
NATHAN: You did so good. We have a son. We have a son.
HALEY: Here he is. Welcome to the world, James Lucas Scott. Oh.
NATHAN: He's so beautiful.
HOSPITAL
Julian and Brooke arrives to see Chloe.
BROOKE: Hi. We're having a baby.
NURSE: Honey, you do understand it takes about nine months.
JULIAN: Of course. What we meant to say is...
BROOKE: We're adopting a baby, and the girl who's having it is having it.
JULIAN: Yeah.
BROOKE: Here.
JULIAN: Now.
BROOKE: Somewhere.
NURSE: Okay. Well, first of all, congratulations. And give me a second, and I'll find you that room for you, okay?
BROOKE: Thank you. Nathan and Jamie joins Haley in her bedroom of hospital.
HALEY: Hi. There's my guy. Ooh. You ready to be a Big Brother?
JAMIE: Yeah. How come you're not in a bed?
HALEY: Well, this is the room where they have me wait till I'm a little closer to having the baby.
JAMIE: So, is everything all right? You feeling okay?
HALEY: Yeah. I feel great. Thanks. Oh, I can't believe you're gonna have a little sister. She's gonna need you to watch out for her and protect her. Do you know that by the time she's your age, you're gonna be in high school?
JAMIE: And when you and dad were in high school, you had me.
HALEY: That's right. You're not allowed to do that. Oh, I remember the night I told your dad you were gonna be you. He was gonna have a son.
JAMIE: Remember that, dad?
NATHAN: Yeah. I had six turnovers at the time. You're not allowed to do that either.
HALEY: Six turnovers?
FLASHBACK, CHAMPIONSHIP OF BASKETBALL
Nathan is ready to return in the ground, Haley waits him.
HALEY: That is not the Nathan Scott I know.
NATHAN: I got worried when I didn't see you.
HALEY: It's okay. Everything's fine.
NATHAN: I need to ask you a question.
HALEY: Mm-hmm.
NATHAN: If I don't go to Duke... If I don't play college basketball... I mean, if today is the best it ever gets for me, will that be enough?
HALEY: Of course. Nathan, as long as you're a good husband and a good father to your son.
NATHAN: What?
HALEY: It's a boy, Nathan. You're gonna have a son.
HOSPITAL
Julian and Brooke visit Chloe in her bedroom.
JULIAN: Hi.
BROOKE: Chloe, hi.
CHLOE: Hi. I told you it was coming sooner than we thought.
BROOKE: Wow. I guess so. How are you feeling?
JULIAN: What can we do? Can we get you anything? Call your parents..
CHLOE: No. No. No, thanks. I'll... I'll be fine.
BROOKE: Okay. Well, we just want you to know we're here. And we're gonna be here. We're not going anywhere.
CHLOE: Okay.
BROOKE: Okay.
CHLOE: Maybe you guys can come check up on me a little later.
JULIAN: Yeah.
BROOKE: Of course. Whenever you need us. You're gonna do great.
JULIAN: Okay.
BROOKE: All right. See you. Jamie joins Quinn and Clay in a waiting room.
QUINN: Hey.
CLAY: Yo. Check it out, dude. I got us all kinds of stuff. We have DVDs, snacks.
JAMIE: Comic books.
CLAY: Graphic novels.
QUINN: Oh, my gosh, UNO. I'm the UNO king.
CLAY: Okay, that's a game of luck. There is just zero skill to it whatsoever.
QUINN: Said not the king.
CLAY: That sentence had zero sense to it.
QUINN: Anyway, what do you want to do first, Jame?
JAMIE: I'm thinking I want to make a book for Lydia...With pictures and stories and stuff.
QUINN: Like a scrapbook?
JAMIE: Yeah, but more like a book that she can read someday and know all about stuff that I didn't... stuff about mom, you guys, and all our friends.
CLAY: Like, for example, how Auntie Quinn is the master of a game of chance.
QUINN: Or how Clay is jealous about it. I think it's a great idea, Jamie.
(Brooke and Julian meets them)
QUINN: Hey, you guys. I was just about to call. Hales just checked in.
JULIAN: Well, actually...
BROOKE: We heard. It's so exciting. Who needs snacks?
Clay: Mm. I think we're good. We have candy, gummy stuff, candy cigars. We've also apparently mastered the game of UNO.
QUINN: Really?
CLAY: Letting it go.
Julian and Brooke insulate.
JULIAN: What was that all about?
BROOKE: I just don't want to steal Haley's thunder today. Especially for Jamie. If we have news first, then we can tell them, okay?
JULIAN: That's very sweet of you, baby. But are we really getting snacks? Because I was kind of excited about that part, too.
BROOKE: Yes, we will get you snacks. Are you nervous?
JULIAN: A little. Are you?
BROOKE: No. More like completely panicked.
JULIAN: Oh. Haley is nervous and asks Nathan to tell a story.
NATHAN: How you doing, baby?
HALEY: I'm a little panicked. Can you tell me a story?
NATHAN: Uh, story. Got it. What kind of story?
HALEY: Just a story. Any story.
NATHAN: All right, all right. Um...I-I-I-I got nothing.
HALEY: Oh! In the history of the world, any story that's ever been told.
NATHAN: Okay, I'm sorry. All I can think of is the Three Little Pigs. I don't know why the Three Little Pigs. I have no idea. But it's...
HALEY: A memory, then. Just something to distract me, please.
NATHAN: Okay, okay. How about this? How about this? Did I ever tell you about the high-school clown...
HALEY: Don't say "clown."
NATHAN: I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Jerk. The high-school jerk who fell for the beautiful, sarcastic girl who hated clowns?
HALEY: I like that story. Tell me that story.
NATHAN: Okay. Okay. Um, she was tutoring him. But they both knew it was something more, and so one day, when he had screwed up yet again...
FLASHBACK, HALEY'S HOUSE
Nathan launches stones to the window. Haley arrives.
HALEY: You trying to wake up my parents? That's their room.
NATHAN: Wait. Haley. Look, I need to apologize, okay?
HALEY: You should buy them in bulk if you're gonna hand apologies out that often.
NATHAN: Look, will you just... I don't know how to do this, all right? I'm... I'm not like you.
HALEY: What does that mean?
NATHAN: All right, I screw up a lot. All right? And being around you, I just don't want to be that guy anymore.
HALEY: Who do you want to be, Nathan?
NATHAN: I want to be somebody who's good enough to be seen with you.
HALEY: You should have thought of that last night. You know, I keep putting myself out there. And you keep blowing it. And it's probably a good thing because at this point there's nothing that you can say or do that's gonna surprise me.
(He kisses her)
HALEY: Except that. You shouldn't have done that, Nathan.
NATHAN: But I wanted to.
HALEY: Yeah.
HOSPITAL
Nathan finishes the story.
NATHAN: And they fell in love. And they had a son. And soon...
HALEY: They'll have a daughter.
NATHAN: Mm-hmm. And they'll all live happily ever after. I promise.
ONE TREE HILL - OPEN CREDITS
HOSPITAL
Jamie looks at babies. Then, he waits to his family.
JAMIE(voice-over): 14,709. That's how many babies are born in an hour. That's 245 new lives every minute of every day. By the way, since I've been standing here, another hundred babies were born. But none of them were my mom's.
BROOKE: Hey, buddy. What are you doing?
JAMIE: Making a learner's manual for Lydia. Clay says you can't tell the players without a program.
BROOKE: That's cool. Am I in it?
JAMIE: Yep. I just need a little information.
BROOKE: Okay. Ask me anything.
JAMIE: Okay. When was the first time you met my mom?
BROOKE: Isn't there anything else you'd like to know?
JAMIE: It's kind of important.
BROOKE: Well... It's kind of a funny story.
FLASHBACK, OUTSIDE
Haley helps Brooke to walk.
BROOKE: So, we should totally hang out more often. What is your name, anyway?
HALEY: Haley.
BROOKE: Oh, no. See, I don't like that name. Let's call you Brooke.
HOSPITAL
Jamie doesn't understand the story.
JAMIE: I don't get it. How come you were acting so weird? Were you sick?
BROOKE: Yes. Kind of sick. Yes. Look who it is...Clay and Quinn. What's up, guys?
(Clay and Quinn come with things)
CLAY: Hey-o. Did you guys know that it's impossible to eat six crackers in a minute?
BROOKE: Random, but perfectly timed.
JAMIE: That doesn't sound impossible.
QUINN: That's what I said, but we're gonna do it. You in?
JAMIE: Okay. Aunt Brooke, can you time us?
BROOKE: Yeah.
CLAY: All right, team. Six crackers, one minute.
BROOKE: Ready? Set? Go.
JAMIE: Oh, my gosh. This is hard.
BROOKE: 30 seconds.
QUINN(Muffled): I can't breathe.
CLAY(Muffled): It's not so easy, is it?
JAMIE: My mouth is all pasty.
BROOKE: Come on. 20 seconds. Keep going. And...Time.
CLAY: Mm. I was so close.
QUINN: I wasn't close at all.
JAMIE(Muffled): I think I'm gonna be sick. Mm-hmm. We should make Julian try this.
CLAY: Where is Julian? Julian!
Julian looks at babies.
FLASHBACK, BRULIAN'S HOUSE
Brooke goes home and Julian is here.
BROOKE: They're beautiful.
JULIAN: So are you. How you doing?
BROOKE: Not so good.
JULIAN: Yeah, I know.
BROOKE: I don't think you do.
JULIAN: No, I suppose I don't. But I want you to know something. I know that I've talked about slowing down and taking our time, but I want you to know that whenever we do get pregnant, that's gonna be a great day. And I'll be more than okay with it.
BROOKE: We're not gonna have that day.
JULIAN: Baby, we will.
BROOKE: No, we won't. They didn't just tell me that...That I wasn't pregnant. They said I'm never gonna be. I can't.
JULIAN: You can't have children? They told you that.
BROOKE: I'm sorry.
JULIAN: Brooke...Shh. Hey, shh, baby. It's okay.
BROOKE: It's not.
JULIAN: It's going to be. I love you so much.
BROOKE: But I want to have babies with you. I want to have a family.
JULIAN: Then we'll get a second opinion. And a third, okay? We'll find the best doctors out there.
BROOKE: But what if...
JULIAN: Hey, shh, shh. I love you. That's all that matters. I love you.
BROOKE: I love you, too.
HOSPITAL
Brooke joins Julian.
BROOKE: Hey.
JULIAN: I love you. You know that? And you're gonna be an amazing mom...Tonight.
BROOKE: I can barely breathe when you say that.
JULIAN: It's okay, baby. I'm here... For all of it.
BROOKE: Mm.
JAMIE(voice-over): I think it's cool how people celebrate the day you're born. Like, for the rest of your life, they have cake and presents, and they celebrate that you're here. There's something really nice about that... Even when your Aunt Quinn stuffs your face in the cake.
FLASHBACK, NALEY'S HOUSE
Quinn was eating a piece of the cake.
JAMIE: Aunt Quinn, you ate my cake before I made a wish.
QUINN: Nah. See... I don't think this is your real cake. If you look really, really close, you can tell, because if it was, I wouldn't be able to do this!
JAMIE: Aah! You're so dead.
HOSPITAL
Quinn takes a picture of her nephew.
JAMIE: Hey, remember when you stuffed my face in my birthday cake? And then you, me, and mom had that cake fight? That was awesome.
QUINN: It was, huh? Oh! Yes, it was. You know, pretty soon you're gonna have "remember whens" with your little sister. Are you excited to meet her?
JAMIE: Yeah. But right now I'm kind of half-excited, half-worried.
QUINN: Well, there's no reason to worry. Your mom's gonna be home in no time. And, you know, the best part about having a little sister is if you do worry and you do struggle, she's always there for you just like your mom's always been there for me.
FLASHBACK, NALEY'S HOUSE
Quinn is ready to open her gallery of picture. She gives a present at her sister.
QUINN: Hey.
HALEY: Wow. Talk about a work of art. You look great.
QUINN: Thanks.
HALEY: So, you excited for tonight? How do you feel?
QUINN: You know, if there's a feeling of being half totally excited and half completely ready to panic, then that's how I feel.
HALEY: Oh, don't worry. It's gonna be good. You're kind of great at the picture-taking thing, you know.
QUINN: Thanks. Well, I'm glad you think so. I wanted you to give this to you.
HALEY: Oh. What is this?
QUINN: My way of saying "thank you" for being there for me this year. I couldn't have made it through without my little sis.
(It's a picture of her and her mother)
HALEY: I love it. I really do.
QUINN: I just want tonight to go well, you know? For mom.
HALEY: Yeah. For mom.
HOSPITAL
Nathan takes a coffee and sees a high-school pupil waiting.
FLASHBACK, HOSPITAL
Nathan is at the hospital after he was doing a overdose.
DAN: Easy, son. You're okay. Can you hear me?
NATHAN: Yeah.
DAN: You collapsed during the game.
DOCTOR: Nathan? How you feeling?
NATHAN: I have to piss.
DOCTOR: You were severely dehydrated. We have you in these ice packs because your body temperature was very high. Now, I need to ask you some questions about the supplements you're taking. Benzedrine? Methedrine? Okay. What about speed, cocaine, ecstasy?
DAN: Hey, doc. He's an athlete, not a junkie.
DOCTOR: He's also a kid.
DAN: True. But he's my kid. So, how about you play a little more doctor and a little less detective?
DOCTOR: Mr. Scott, could I speak with you?
DAN: Listen to me, son. You're gonna be fine. Okay? You've been hitting it a little hard lately. We'll pull back a notch or two. You'll be as good as new. Hell, the scouts won't even remember this come the post-season.
FLASHBACK, NALEY'S HOUSE
Haley worries about Nathan.
HALEY(at phone): Hey, it's me. Uh...I guess I'm just worried about you. I really hate the way we ended things.
NATHAN: So do I. Nobody answered the door.
HALEY: They're gone for the weekend. How are you?
NATHAN: Not so good. Tonight... I just need to...
HALEY: Yeah.
NATHAN: I've made a lot of mistakes, Haley. Sometimes because of my dad. Sometimes by choice. I just can't do it anymore.
HALEY: It's okay.
NATHAN: No. When I fell to the floor tonight...I was so scared. I was so terrified. Then I saw you. And I promised myself that if I could just get up, I would walk straight over to you, and I would tell you how much I need you...How much I want you. Nothing else matters. Haley...
HOSPITAL
Brooke talks a little with Chloe.
CHLOE: Brooke, I need to tell you something. I never told my parents.
BROOKE: Really?
CHLOE: My ex-boyfriend's sister drove me here.
BROOKE: How did you hide it from them?
CHLOE: Well, I stayed in school for the summer session, and then I took a semester overseas. I just knew it was something that my mom would hold against me for the rest of my life. You know how moms are.
BROOKE: I know how my mom is.
FLASHBACK, CLOTHES OVER BROS
Brooke enters in the store. Victoria is ready to go away.
BROOKE: You going somewhere?
VICTORIA: Ah. Back to New York. The designs are excellent. The new line should stabilize the company. There's nothing left for me to do here. There are a few things that I need to leave you with. We need to call our publicist and arrange a series of interviews announcing your return to the company. You need to speak with the people at Red and organize some sort of charitable contribution, and you need to fly to Los Angeles and tell that boy that you love him.
BROOKE: What?
VICTORIA: When I was young, there was a boy who loved me. And I loved him back. But he wasn't from my circle of friends, and he was different than what my parents expected, so I let him go. And not a day has gone by that I don't regret it.
BROOKE: Why haven't you ever told me this?
VICTORIA: Because I've been a terrible mother. I have a daughter who is strong and bright, kindhearted, so beautiful, and I've nearly broken her with my inability to open my heart. But I haven't broken her. She's just as strong and beautiful and kindhearted as ever. Because if this boy Julian loves you and you love him, that's all that matters. That is the most important thing, and the clothes can wait. This is for you.
BROOKE: What is it?
VICTORIA: It's the company. It's all yours 100%.
BROOKE: But why?
VICTORIA: I'd rather have my daughter than a company.
BROOKE: But you loved this company.
VICTORIA: Yeah. And I was wrong. I should have loved you more and the company less. I just didn't know how.
HOSPITAL
Brooke is always talking with Chloe.
BROOKE: I know my mom loves me. But we were distant for a long time when I was young, and that was really hard. I never felt like I knew her. I promise you, I'm gonna know this child, and they'll know me...No matter what.
JAMIE(voice-over): There was a woman in Texas, who gave birth to eight babies all at once. Well, actually, she gave birth to two, and then a couple weeks later, she had six more. I don't really know how that works, but it's not something you forget once you hear about it. I just want my mom to have one... And for both of them to be okay. Nathan is in the church. Jamie joins him.
JAMIE: Hey, dad. Everything okay?
NATHAN: Yeah. You know, when your mom got hurt before you were born, I sat here. I prayed that she'd be okay. And you, too.
JAMIE: Did you cry?
NATHAN: Yeah. I cried.
FLASHBACK, HOSPITAL
Nathan prays in the church to Haley and the baby are okay.
NATHAN: I know I did a horrible thing, okay? But I deserve to be punished for that, not Haley. She's a good person. She'd be a great mother if... Look, I know it must suck how people are always asking for things and never giving anything back. And I know that Keith saved me at the bridge, but Haley saved me long before the accident. There has to be a miracle left for her. Please. Please. Don't take her from me. Don't take our child from her. Haley is waking up.
HALEY: Hi.
NATHAN: Hi.
HOSPITAL
Julian looks at babies. An other father comes in.
ERIC: Crazy, isn't it? Having a kid.
JULIAN: Yeah.
ERIC: I got to tell you, I'm a little freaked out right now. I don't think I'm ready for all...This.
JULIAN: That's why they invented mothers.
ERIC: You think our parents felt like this? That they just wanted us to have it better than them? To be better than them? Not to be them?
JULIAN: I think if they did, then they were ready to be parents. And if you do, then you are, too.
ERIC: "Every child comes with the message that God is not yet discouraged of us." Quinn looks at the former Clay's bedroom.
FLASHBACK, HOSPITAL
Quinn makes a speech for Clay who is in the coma.
QUINN: Hey, handsome. My whole family was here. It's usually best to be in a coma for that, so nice work. I also need you to tell you that it's gonna take longer to get into Nathan's basketball games next year because my right boob is gonna set off the metal detector. Apparently I still have the bullet in me, so you can cross that off your fantasy-girl wish list. So just between us, everybody's putting on a really brave face, but I think they're all really scared... Because they can't imagine losing you. But that's not gonna happen, is it? My man is too strong for that. So, why don't you surprise us all and open those beautiful blue eyes and take my breath away...Like you know you do. Just open those eyes that see me like no eyes ever have. And I'll be right here waiting.
HOSPITAL
Clay joins Quinn.
CLAY: Hey. Nate says they're getting close. You okay?
QUINN: Yeah. I'm just feeling thankful. For you and Haley and my soon-to-be niece. It's exciting.
CLAY: Yeah. You know, we'll have kids of our own someday.
QUINN: Well, they will have your big, bushy eyebrows.
CLAY: Oh. And your adept card-game abilities.
QUINN: You know, you're not allowed to say we'll have a family someday unless you mean it.
CLAY: Of course I mean it. I love you, you goof.
QUINN: Well, that's good...Because I love you, too. Chloe is going to have her baby.
CHLOE: It's really good that you have Julian. You guys seem really happy together.
BROOKE: We are. He's amazing.
CHLOE: Yeah. I-it's be good that there's two of you. I just couldn't do it alone, you know? Raise a child.
BROOKE: I know.
CHLOE: Oh! Contraction.
BROOKE: Okay. Just breathe. You're doing great, Chloe.
CHLOE: No, I need drugs.
BROOKE: You can do this. Come on. Just breathe. Okay.
CHLOE: Okay.
BROOKE: Okay. That's it.
CHLOE: Okay.
BROOKE: You're doing great.
CHLOE: You're gonna be a good mom, Brooke. I just couldn't do it alone.
BROOKE: I know. It's okay.
JAMIE(voice-over): I guess out of everyone who's ever been born probably the most famous birth ever is Jesus. But people make a big deal out of Pandas, too. Brooke and Julian are in the church.
BROOKE: We need a name. Our baby's gonna be born without a name.
JULIAN: Oops. Okay, calm down. It's okay. My dad once told me about this baseball player named U.L. Washington, and the U.L. stood for "un listed."
BROOKE: We are not naming our baby "un listed."
JULIAN: Okay. I have a name. Clear your head. You ready?
BROOKE: Uh-huh.
JULIAN: If it's a girl, Brooke. And if it's a boy...Brooke.
BROOKE: If it's a boy, Julian. And if it's a girl...Julian.
JULIAN: No. You can't name a girl "Julian."
BROOKE: Why not? We can name our baby whatever we want.
JULIAN: Mm.
BROOKE: Mm. Jamie talks with Clay and Quinn.
JAMIE: Mom's middle name is Bob?
QUINN: Mm-hmm.
CLAY: Wait. Haley's middle name is Bob?
QUINN: Yeah.
CLAY: How does that happen?
QUINN: You know my dad's name was James James, right?
CLAY: You make a good point. But Bob? Is that short for Robert?
QUINN: No. It's just Bob.
JAMIE: How come?
QUINN: Well, before grandma and grandpa ever had kids, they had a tabby cat. And they loved that cat and took him everywhere. And his name was...
JAMIE: Bob?
CLAY: I was gonna guess Bob, too.
QUINN: Ah. Then you're both right. Bob the cat. Oh. He was their pride and joy. But he was stubborn and tough, and he didn't really like to be held. Anyway, when Haley was born, she kept squirming and squirming, and the doctors handed her to grandma. And grandma was like, "she keeps fighting me. She's tough and stubborn, just like Bob." And so they named her Haley Bob.
JAMIE: Mom was named after a cat.
QUINN: After a beautiful, tough, old tabby cat.
JAMIE: That's awesome. But mom's not that tough.
CLAY: Ooh. Gonna have to disagree with you on that one, buddy.
QUINN: Yeah. Your mom's really tough. Do you know her and Aunt Taylor used to totally go at it?
JAMIE: Really? Like how?
FLASHBACK, NALEY'S APARTMENT
Haley and Taylor fight.
HALEY: It's not funny, Taylor.
TAYLOR: Ow! Let go!
HOSPITAL
JAMIE: Whoa.
QUINN: Yeah. That's not all. Remember when Chuck was bullying you?
FLASHBACK, JAMIE'S SCHOOL
Haley wants to talk with Chuck's mother.
HALEY: Excuse me. Can I talk to you for a second? I'm Haley Scott. I'm Jamie's mom.
CHUCK'S MOTHER: Uh-huh.
HALEY: Jamie came home from school upset the other day. I guess your son was teasing him.
CHUCK'S MOTHER: Jamie? Is he the one with the cape? Wow. 5 is a little old for a cape, don't you think? Maybe you should do him a favor, take it away from him, and then he won't get teased anymore, about the cape, anyway.
HALEY: Listen, honey, if your little brat doesn't stop picking on my son, not only will I give Jamie permission to kick his ass, but I'll be kicking your ass right alongside of him. Got that, bitch?
CHUCK'S MOTHER: I'd like to see you try, little girl. Aah!
HOSPITAL
JAMIE: Man. Mom's kind of crazy.
QUINN: Yeah. I haven't even told you about the slapping.
JAMIE: There's slapping?
CLAY: Oh, there's slapping.
(Brooke joins them)
QUINN: Hey, Brooke. Name a few people that Haley's slapped. Jamie wants to warn Lydia.
BROOKE: Oh. Well, there's Rachel...
FLASHBACK, PARTY
Haley slaps Rachel.
HOSPITAL
BROOKE: Renee...
FLASHBACK, OUTSIDE
Haley slaps Renee.
HOSPITAL
BROOKE: Ooh. And Nanny Carrie.
FLASHBACK, NALEY'S HOUSE
Haley throws Carrie outside.
HALEY: You get the hell out of my house right now!
HOSPITAL
JAMIE: Yeah. And in mom's defense, nanny Carrie had that coming.
BROOKE: Oh, yeah.
JAMIE: Now that I think about it, you don't want to mess with mom. Hey, Clay, did mom ever attack you?
CLAY: Yeah. But it was with her words.
FLASHBACK, CLAY'S HOUSE
Haley disputes Clay.
HALEY: You know full well this lying whore didn't sleep with Nathan, and you want to pay her
[SCENE_BREAK]
CLAY: Whoa. I don't want to. I simply suggested that it was an option.
HALEY: It's not an option, Clay. And while we're suggesting things, let me suggest that you are a huge reason why this is happening right now.
CLAY: Okay.
HALEY: You love it, the parties, the women. And you love having Nathan alongside you more than anything else.
CLAY: That's not fair.
HALEY: No? The picture? The one of that woman draped all over my husband. What party was that at, Clay? Who threw that party? I'm not saying you don't love him because I know you do. But you love having him at your side more than anything else. You could have protected him from this.
CLAY: How, Haley? He's a grown man.
HALEY: So are you. Start acting like it.
HOSPITAL
Clay is upset yet.
CLAY: Ooh. Yeah, you may, you ought to tell Lydia just to never suggest optional compromises. You should write that down. Chloe just haves her baby.
DOCTOR: That's it, Chloe. You're doing great. Now I need you to push, okay? Here we go. And push. Push, Chloe. Come on. Push. That's it. You're doing great, Chloe. Five counts. Come on. 1...2...3...4...5. Good job, Chloe. You're doing great, and again. Push, Chloe, push. Come on. Brooke and Julian look from the observatory. The other father enters the part.
ERIC: Hey, it's you.
JULIAN: Oh. Hey. Brooke, this is...
ERIC: Eric. Hi.
BROOKE: Hi.
JULIAN: What are you doing here?
ERIC: I was about to ask you the same thing. That's my girlfriend, Chloe. I'm about to be a father.
JAMIE(voice-over): I think people love babies because they see stuff like hopes and dreams in their eyes. They see the future, and they see goodness and the chance they have to be better than us. So I think babies are pretty cool. Oh, and baby rabbits are even cooler...Although I'm kind of glad Chester is a boy and never had babies 'cause I'm not sure I'd be able to give them up. I'd be too worried that they'd be okay and that someone would love them as much as I would. Brooke and Julian comes to see Chloe in her bedroom. Brooke is sad and Julian tries to comfort her.
JULIAN: She just changed her mind, Brooke. She didn't want to do it alone, and then she wasn't alone. She held her in her arms, and she just couldn't go through with it.
BROOKE: It was a girl?
JULIAN: Yeah. Nathan announces the news at the family.
NATHAN: It's a girl.
QUINN: Yay!
JAMIE: Yes!
NATHAN: Whoo! Oh. What do you say, buddy?
JAMIE: Is mom all right? And the baby?
NATHAN: Yeah, yeah. Everyone's fine.
JAMIE: When can we see her?
NATHAN: Well...
(Brooke and Julian joins them)
NATHAN: Brooke. You okay?
BROOKE: Yeah. I'm just so happy for you guys.
Brooke joins Haley in her bedroom.
BROOKE: Hi.
HALEY: Hi. Lydia, I want you to meet someone you're gonna love so much. This is your Aunt Brooke. Brooke, this is Lydia Bob Scott. You want to hold her?
BROOKE: Yeah. Oh.
HALEY(voice-over): 353,015. That's how many babies were born today. And this one is mine. Every child comes with the message that God is not yet discouraged of us. End of the episode. | Plan: A: The big day; Q: What has finally arrived? A: the gang; Q: Who gathers at the hospital to await the birth of Haley and Nathan's baby? A: a baby; Q: What do Julian and Brooke not get? A: Lydia Bob Scott; Q: What is the name of the baby girl that Haley gives birth to? A: Laura Veirs; Q: Who performed the opening theme song for this episode? Summary: The big day has finally arrived and the gang gathers at the hospital to await the birth of Haley and Nathan's baby. While they wait, they reminisce about the memories they have shared over the years. Haley gives birth to a baby girl called Lydia Bob Scott, Whereas Julian and Brooke don't get a baby as the girl decides she wants to keep the baby. This episode is named after a song by We Were Promised Jetpacks . Opening theme song performed by Laura Veirs . |
PREVIOUSLY
Gossip Girl: "Gossip Girl here, your one and only source into the scandalous lives of Manhattan's elite..."
(Constance/St. Jude's Courtyard)
Delivery Man: I got three cases of champagne for Serena Van Der Woodsen.
Serena: For me?
(Bass Suite)
Eric: Who's it from?
Serena: p0rn and handcuffs? This is low, Chuck, even for you.
(Palace Courtyard)
Serena: What's this?
Eric: Chuck said it came for you this morning. Whoa, is that coke?
Serena: How do you like a brother who uses you as a drug mule?
(Bass Suite)
Lily: I can't believe you think Chuck is doing these things.
Bart: What's he done now?
Serena: I'll tell you what he's done.
(Bass Suite)
Serena: If we're gonna exist under the same roof, I am laying down some house rules.
Chuck: No need, Princess. Bart already kicked me out. I'm moving back to my suite.
(Blair's Bedroom)
Blair: I love you, Nate Archibald. Always have, always will.
(Archibald Library)
Nate: I want nothing else to do with you, Blair. It's over.
(MOMA Steps)
Blair: Jenny, if you walk away from me now, I will ruin you.
Jenny: How are you gonna do that?
(Constance Billard School)
Hazel: My mother's Valentino was stolen...
(Jenny's Bedroom)
Hazel: Oh my God. That's my mother's dress.
(Humphrey Loft)
Jenny: Dad, you think that you can just send me off to school with a plaid skirt and a Metrocard, and everything will be okay!
(Chuck's Suite)
Serena: I'm really sorry, Chuck. I know it wasn't you who sent me that stuff.
(Shows him the letter.)
S-
Hope you like your presents! Coming back to town.
?G
Gossip Girl: "And who am I? That's a secret i'll never tell. You know you love me! XOXO, Gossip Girl."
ACT ONE
("Do The Panic" by Phantom Planet plays over S, B, Chuck and Lonelyboy studying worriedly.)
Gossip Girl: "There are three things we do alone: We are born, we die, and if we're a high school junior headed for college, we take the SAT. And while the test is said to measure our best traits, preparing for it Inevitably brings out the worst..."
(Lonelyboy, at home.)
Gossip Girl: "Humility becomes self-doubt..."
(B yelling the answers while Dorota shows her stationary-quality flashcards.)
Gossip Girl: "Striving becomes obsession..."
(S gulps coffee in a pile of books on her bed.)
Gossip Girl: "Some are driven to self-medication..."
(Hazel, Isabel and Penelope gather seriously around a table.)
Gossip Girl: "While others cling to the security of being part of a group."
(They hit a chess timer and start practice tests.)
(Chuck pays off a guy in the courtyard for something.)
Gossip Girl: "And anyone who's used to bending the rules will find themselves breaking them."
(Lonelyboy's studying in his bedroom; Rufus enters suddenly.)
Dan: Augh! Dad, don't ever do that again.
Rufus: Just doing what I was told. Time's up. I was instructed that whenever time was up, I should share that information.
Dan: Yes, but the manner in which you went about it, it was like you were deliberately trying to humiliate me.
Rufus: ...How bad?
Dan: Uh, half. I finished exactly half in the allowed time.
Rufus: Well, you're a smart kid.
Dan: I'm a choker, I choke.
Rufus: Just in your head.
Dan: T-ball. First grade, remember this? Bases loaded, and I struck out.
Rufus: You were six.
Dan: The ball was on a tee, not moving.
Rufus: You'll come through.
Dan: You're basing that on what, exactly?
Rufus: Blind faith?
(Jenny heads for the front door.)
Jenny: Bye!
Rufus: Wait.
Jenny: Dad, I'm gonna be late.
Rufus: I'm coming with you.
Jenny: What? You're walking me to school?
Rufus: Need the exercise.
Jenny: I made one mistake. It doesn't mean I need A human ankle monitor.
Rufus: You used to beg me to walk you to school. You'd cry if I didn't walk you to class.
Jenny: That wasn't me. That was Dan.
Dan: It's true, but I was six. And it an emotional time for me. It was post-t-ball.
Rufus: Jenny, what you did was wrong and really out of character. Grounding you is not just about punishment, we need to spend some time together. Reconnect.
Jenny: Yeah, I want that too, just... Not in public, and in front of my friends.
Rufus: All right. Tonight, dinner.
Jenny: Okay, and I have group rehearsal. I'm the alto.
Rufus: And I'm really proud, but we are connecting this evening over lasagna.
Dan: Hey, Jen, you wanna wait up for a second? We could take the...
(She slams the door behind her.)
Dan, sharing a look with Rufus: Well, alright. I'll ... see you at school.
(B and S study on practice test handhelds, in the courtyard.)
Blair, finishing: 2200. Fair.
Serena: It's 90th percentile!
Blair: Which means Nelly Yuki probably got 2300.
Serena: You don't even talk to her, why do you care how she does?
Blair: Nelly Yuki has her sights set on Yale, too. What are the odds of them accepting two girls from Constance? And have you seen Nelly Yuki's extracurriculars? I need to kick her well-rounded ass.
Serena: And they say you've lost your edge.
Blair: Nelly Yuki must be destroyed.
Serena: ...Why do you keep saying her name?
Blair: Because it's "Nelly Yuki!"
(S laughs lovingly.)
Blair: Ew, gross. Incoming Chuck. (Gathering her stuff.) You ready?
Serena: No, I gotta wait for Dan. He's pretty stressed. He doesn't do well with tests, so...
Blair: Performance anxiety?
Serena: Bye, Blair.
(B shoots Chuck a nasty look as she's leaving; he joins S.)
Chuck: She really needs to tone down the social niceties. It's embarrassing.
Serena: Eventually, the two of you are gonna have to work out your issues.
Chuck: What issues? I'm issue-free. And based on my exhaustive research... So are you.
Serena, anxious: Georgina?
Chuck: According to my very reliable sources, Georgina Sparks is nowhere near our fair isle. She's in Switzerland, dating the prince of Belfort.
Serena: There's a prince of Belfort? And she's dating him? Oh, thank God!
Chuck: Now you can enjoy the gifts she mailed you with peace of mind... And maybe Chuck in the room?
Serena, shoving him: Oh, shoot, except we're siblings!
Chuck: Georgie always brought out the devil in you. Part of me is a little disappointed she's not here.
Serena: Mm, I wonder which part.
Chuck: It's been a while since I saw the old Serena.
Serena: Well, thanks to her, the new one has to break 2000 on her SATs, so, if you could just go smarm elsewhere...
Chuck: The offer still stands. I know a lovely little redhead that's just dying to be you for the day...
Serena: Oh, I'll leave the cheating to you, Chuck. I plan on taking the SATs myself.
(Chuck leaves; S is relieved at his news.)
(Little J, Isabel, Hazel and Penelope walk down a Constance hallway.)
Penelope: You have no idea how lucky you are.
Hazel: Seriously, Jenny. I would do anything to be a freshman again.
Penelope: Junior year sucks. Nate doesn't call, I'm not ready for the SATs...
Isabel: Maybe I should join Kati on the Kibbutz in Israel, quit now.
Jenny: You guys, it's just a test. Look, cram session tonight. My dad's making lasagna, my brother's got tons of flash cards, and I'm totally available to help.
Blair, appearing: ...That won't be necessary, Little J. You girls are all taken care of, Courtesy of Blair Waldorf SAT Prep & Spa.
Hazel: Are you serious?
Blair: If you're gonna sweat the test, better not clog your pores. This evening at my penthouse, you'll find personal tutors, hot stone massages, mani-pedis and an amazing acupuncturist who specializes in mental acuity.
Jenny: Guess that beats my dad's lasagna.
Blair: I'll flickr over some photos for you, it's upperclassmen only. I'm sure you understand.
Jenny, sadly: Totally.
(After a moment, they turn and join B.)
Hazel: Wait up, B.
Isabel: I'm so glad I didn't book that flight to Tel Aviv.
Gossip Girl: "Spotted in the halls of Constance: Little J. Realizing that age really does come before beauty."
(Lonelyboy meets N on the steps of the school; he's carrying a soccer ball.)
Nate: SATs?
Dan: Yeah. Yeah. And, uh, soccer? Why not ... give the old ball a kick, season's just around the corner... In October. No, no, you know what? I have to stop doing that. I'll just focus on myself, and my test, and my prep. What other people do, or don't do, is about them. Absolutely.
Nate: Not a good tester, huh?
(He heads off; Serena approaches from behind and covers Dan's eyes, kissing him.)
Dan: Oh, Chuck, I had no idea you felt that way about me.
Serena: Good to know you're at least still ... kind of funny.
Dan: Hey, I'm so sorry. I've been completely off the radar the past few days. New home, new family. It's okay.
Serena: Yeah, it's, um, pretty overwhelming.
Dan: Yeah, I've been a little overwhelmed myself lately.
Serena, kissing him: Well, you wanna hang out? Study?
Dan: Oh, I wanna take whatever SAT prep course you're signed up for.
Serena: Well, it's not too late.
Dan: Okay. I'm in, then. I'll see you.
(As Lonelyboy leaves, G appears behind S.)
Georgina: You always did know how to leave them wanting more.
Serena: Oh my God. Georgina.
ACT TWO
(S and G, Still outside Constance.)
Serena: ...What are you doing here?
Georgina: I told you I was coming! Didn't you get my gifts?
Serena: Uh, you're supposed to be in Switzerland dating a prince.
Georgina: Luckily daddy didn't need the G5. Haven't you missed me?
Serena: ...How could I not?
Georgina: Okay. You don't want to throw me a homecoming party, I get it, but let's have a cocktail, Catch up. (S is troubled.) S, you're really gonna hurt my feelings... (Scarier.) And you know how I get when my feelings are hurt. (S gives in.) Great. I'll see you tonight. It's so weird seeing you, it's almost like I never left!
(G leaves; S stares, shaken.)
Gossip Girl: "Spotted in the courtyard: Serena looking like she's seen a ghost. The ghost of parties past."
(Little J buys a hotdog from a street vendor; Elise runs up.)
Elise: Jenny, why did you want to meet here?
Jenny: Well, I've been thinking. What's the one thing that no one in our group has? I mean, not even Blair?
Elise: Compassion?
Jenny: No, a boyfriend. You know, if I'm gonna make it to queen, I need a king.
(They watch some prep school boys.)
Elise: Queen Elizabeth never had a boyfriend.
Jenny: But she only had the Spanish to conquer, and I have Blair Waldorf. Let's talk qualifications. He has to be cute (One boy stoops to check himself out in a parked car's rearview mirror) ... but not full of himself. He has to be from the right kind of family (two guys hit on a girl on the sidewalk) ... Ugh, but not disgusting.
(Elise laughs. A boy walking several dogs is shoved into Little J, and she drops her hotdog, which one of the dogs begins to chew on.)
Asher: Whoa! Oh, oh, aw... I'm so sorry. Are you okay?
Jenny: Yeah, uh, my lunch isn't, though.
Asher: Oh, Linus. Let me give you... (He goes through his pockets.) My last dollar?
Jenny: Oh, I couldn't. You shouldn't be walking the streets with no money.
Asher: Let's just settle for an IOU then.
Jenny: It's just a hotdog.
Asher: That's just my excuse to give this to you. Here's my number.
Jenny: Thank you! I mean... It's fine, I mean, I'm really not even that hungry.
Asher: Well, if you change your mind...
(Little J tosses the number once he's gone.)
Elise: What are you doing? He's gorgeous.
Jenny: He's a dog walker. I need a king, not a jester. Come on. Let's go lurk outside Dalton.
("Campus," by Vampire Weekend; N enters Vanessa's coffeeshop and recognizes her.)
Nate: Hey...?
Vanessa: Vanessa. You're Nate, right? You play a very small but crucial role in my video project.
Nate: Oh, that's right. I remember you following Dan around with your video camera.
Dan, arriving with coffee: Hey, Nate. What are you doing here? I mean, I know the coffee's good...
Nate, dropping several prep books on the table: Since I've taken every SAT prep and review class in the five boroughs, I figured why not pay it forward?
Dan: So... So you don't need these?
Nate: You know, I've actually already taken it. My parents don't want me going to USC, so I had to make sure my scores were good enough to get in without their help. Which thanks to these books, they were, so I'm done.
Vanessa: While we all love hearing about the struggles of the idle rich, Dan's got a fine tutor right here. I ace every practice test I take. So we don't need your hand-me-downs.
Dan: Um, you know what? This is actually pretty good. This looks good. Thank you.
Vanessa: Is there a reason you insist on looking so desperate and needy?
Dan, to Nate: She's been like that since we were kids. Venomous without provocation.
Vanessa: It's better than being a charity case!
Dan: She's rude, too.
Nate, smiling: I see that, yeah... Well, I gotta get going, But I hope these are useful.
Dan: Oh, yeah, yeah, very. Thank you. (Off a look from Vanessa.) What? Look. They're... Hey, every little bit helps.
(Vanessa pouts, notices a handwritten essay in one of the books, and starts reading it.)
("Crimewave," by Health, Crystal Castles Remix; S and G are having Cosmopolitans in a dark bar.)
Serena: Is this really the best place for us to talk?
Georgina: You of all people know nothing gets me talking like a Cosmo.
(Two guys raise their drinks to them from across the room.)
Serena: You know, a lot has changed since we used to hang out, Georgie.
Georgina: I know. I get it.
Serena: No, you don't get it, or you wouldn't have sent me all those so-called "gifts" in the first place.
Georgina: Oh come on, sweetie. Those were funny. Get over yourself, I was just trying to make you laugh! How about this. How about for one night, we hang out like old times, but unlike old times, I won't get out of control. Unless you want me to, I mean, I can totally get out of ... (S chuckles.) No, okay. I won't get out of control, and I totally respect that, please ... stop me any time you feel like answering. Any... Time. (S laughs.) Come on.
Serena: One drink, but only one.
Georgina: Cheers.
(Penelope, Isabel and Hazel enter the empty Waldorf penthouse, disappointed.)
Penelope: ...Where are all the tutors?
Hazel: And the masseuses?
Isabel: And the smoothies?
Blair: All that I have promised you is waiting. And while it gives me great pleasure to think of us crossing that SAT finish line together, before the race can begin you need to be made aware of one little thing.
(B pulls up Nelly Yuki's MySpace.)
Blair: Nelly Yuki, top in our class, Summer schooled at the Sorbonne.
Penelope: Lots of people do summer at Sorbonne. Including me.
Blair: True. Penelope, you may be a National Merit Scholar, but Nelly Yuki is a Merit Scholar, a Peabody Scholar and an Intel Science Talent Search Finalist. Isabel, you're a concert pianist, but Itzhak Perlman himself gave Nelly her very first violin. Hazel... You're just along for the ride, okay? But if any of us wants to live out our college dreams, we have to find Nelly Yuki's weakness and exploit it. So what's it gonna be, aromatherapy or annihilation?
Penelope, after they all share a look: ...What's the plan?
("Nice Sweet Sexy" by Difx, ft. Imperio & Cru. S and G have had more than just one drink, and are laughing hysterically.)
Georgina: ... It was like the worst thing ever! And then! And then, do you remember, do you remember when we ran out of money? And then I had to flash the bartender because we ran out of money ... Wait, wait! Oh my God, remember when we were Savannah and Svetlana?
Serena: Oh, Savannah. Savannah! I totally forgot about Savannah and Svetlana.
Georgina, in a Valley Girl accent: Wait, no. I think we were Tiffany and Angel that night.
Serena: Oh, you could talk me into anything.
Man, approaching: Hey, ladies, can I, uh, get you guys another round?
Georgina: Ooh!
Serena: No, thank you.
Georgina, Russian accent: Oohh. My American girlfriend, so uptight! They think the drink lead to the s*x.
(Serena and the two guys laugh.)
Serena, southern accent: No, no, no, I wasn't being rude, I just didn't want to take anything if I couldn't offer anything in return.
Man: We'd be happy with just one dance...
Serena: Awww, I'm afraid I have two left feet.
Georgina: Ah! This is what is the practice for! Come on, lady!
Both: Opa!
(G's phone rings; she tries to answer it away from S.)
Serena: Who is that?
Georgina: Um, no one. Uh, thank you for calling back.
Serena, taking the phone: Nadine the Beauty Queen, how can I help you?
Dealer, on the phone: I don't have time for this, do you want one or two g's?
Georgina: Can you just give it...
Serena: -- Some dealer you know?
Georgina: I didn't realize I brought my grandmother...
Serena, standing: I have to go.
Man, grabbing her arm: Hey...
(S storms off, and G is sad until the guys pull her to the dancefloor. S calls Chuck.)
Serena: I'm so stupid, so, so, so, so stupid.
Chuck: You don't sound stupid, you sound drunk. What have you been into?
Serena: Georgina. Good news is, she doesn't want anything except to party. Bad news is, I partied.
Chuck: Care to paint a picture? Does this party require clothes?
Serena: I'm supposed to be at Dan's studying. I called to tell him I'd be late, but not this late. I...I just have to call him and say...
Chuck: That instead of studying with him, you're out with your old pal Georgina.
Serena: No. I don't want him to know she exists. My Mom, Blair, even you can't stand her, Dan of all people cannot know Georgie. Can you help me?
Chuck: Say you need me.
Serena: Chuck!
Chuck: Hearing you scream my name is more than enough. I'll take care of it, and pick you up in ten.
(Dan's phone rings: it's a Palace number.)
Dan: Hey, I've been wondering where you were.
Chuck: ...You mean all of your life?
Dan: Uh, don't take this the wrong way, Serena, but you sound just like this jackass we know.
Chuck: Serena has food poisoning. She's too sick to come to your playdate.
Dan: Put her on the phone.
Chuck: The bathroom doesn't get reception.
Dan: Somehow I don't believe you.
Chuck: And I'd like to say I'm a little glad about that, But my poor, sick sister has asked for my assistance In the matter, so I'll leave it at this. She's not coming, don't try calling. Humphrey, always a pleasure.
ACT THREE
(Dan approaches Chuck, talking on his phone in the St. Jude's courtyard; there is thunder.)
Chuck: Okay, um... I'm gonna have to call you back.
Dan: Hey.
Chuck: Beautiful day you're ruining, isn't it?
Dan: Do me a favor please, and leave Serena alone.
Chuck: It was Serena I was doing the favor for.
Dan: All I know is before spring break, everything was great. It was good. Now, break's over, she's not quite herself. And I'm trying to think, what has changed in her life? Oh, the Bass family moved into it.
Serena, arriving with a kiss: Hi!
Dan: Hey. Hey, how you feeling?
Serena: Good. My migraine's gone.
(Chuck twitches at S, but it's too late.)
Dan: Migraine? I thought you had food poisoning.
Serena: Yeah, that ... came after.
Dan: What exactly happened last night?
Chuck: I already told him...
Dan, pointing at Chuck without looking away: I'm asking you.
Serena: Well, I got food poisoning, and then Chuck helped me out.
Dan: Okay, where exactly did you eat that you got this killer food poisoning migraine?
Serena: Can we drop the interrogation?
Dan: As soon as you tell me where my girlfriend is.
Serena: I'm right here with you.
Dan, as the bell rings: Look, I gotta go to class. I can't... I can't do this.
Serena: This is exactly why I didn't want her to come back. She's been back a day already and look what's happening.
Chuck: If it's really that bad, why don't you just tell him about her?
Serena: I ... can't. I'll see you later, okay?
(Military drums play while B's Army approaches Nelly Yuki.)
Nelly Yuki: Look, I'm not stupid. I know you're not really interested in how my family owns half of TriBeCa.
Hazel: Of course we're interested! You're the newest member of our little club.
Penelope: Which is only for the smartest girls of the junior class.
Nelly Yuki: Our junior class only has thirty girls, we're already an elite club. Can I go now?
Hazel, off a mean look from B: You know what would be hot? You, us, at G Spa.
Nelly Yuki: I don't drink.
Penelope: Saks Fifth?
Nelly Yuki: Hate shopping.
Hazel: Yogurt on the steps?
Nelly Yuki: Lactose-intolerant. Look, I really don't want any friends. All I want is to be alone and not to listen to Flo Rida ever again.
Penelope, off another B look: What happened? A little backstage hit it and quit it?
Nelly Yuki: What? No, my boyfriend broke up with me at a Flo Rida Concert. One minute we were waving our hands in the air like we just didn't care, and the next...
(Nelly Yuki takes off; B nods to her Army and starts downloading "Elevator.")
(Elise and Jenny walking with their umbrellas in the rain.)
Elise: Since the Dalton guys were a bust, how about collegiate? The boys' lacrosse team is working out just around... Jenny, look.
Jenny, spotting the dog walker: What did I tell you about that dog walker? There are no kings on Craigslist.
Elise, watching him hand off the dogs: But I don't think he's the walker. I think he's the owner. Jenny, as he waves her over: I ...spy ...my ...king.
(Elise stares as she goes to chat with him.)
(B spots Nelly Yuki studying in the hall and plays "Elevator," Flo Rida ft. Timbaland, on her phone while she walks by.)
Nelly Yuki: Oh God, not that song.
Blair: Nelly Yuki, what's wrong?
Nelly Yuki: It's like it's happening all over again. That song just reminds me of my boyfriend. ...My ex-boyfriend, I should say.
Blair: Oh! ... No! Did he dump you? That's horrible. What... What was his name? Brad? Bill?
Nelly Yuki: Todd. Jansen.
Blair, kneeling: There's nothing like the fresh, sharp pain of a breakup. Believe me, I've had my fair share of heartache... But this is about you. Tonight you're gonna come over to my house, and just cry till you get it all out of your system.
Nelly Yuki: I can't, I have to be focused tomorrow.
Blair: You can't focus when something's on your mind, now can you? Come, come, come. (She closes Nelly Yuki's book.) Tell me all about it.
(She smiles sweetly and Nelly Yuki finally smiles back.)
(Brooklyn Greek diner; Vanessa checks her watch.)
Vanessa: I guess I'll just take the check, please.
Nate, sitting: Hey, hold that, will ya?
Vanessa: Daylight Savings moved to March, maybe no one told you.
Nate: I know I'm late.
Waitress: Coffee, Nate?
Nate: Yeah. Thanks, Cora.
Vanessa: You two know each other?
Nate: I've been here before.
Vanessa: Are you telling me you come all the way to Brooklyn For Greek food?
Nate: Well, when I'm Brooklyn I like to come here. Yes.
Vanessa: ...Because you're in Brooklyn all the time...
Nate: Well ... my father's in rehab a couple blocks away, and um -- which, by the way, is why I'm late, I was... Visiting hours...
Vanessa: I'm sorry, I didn't mean to...
Nate: No. I mean, it's not like it's some big secret, it was on the front page of every newspaper in the city.
Vanessa: I guess it was, yeah.
Nate: Sometimes after I'm done seeing him, I'm not ready to go back and see my Mom just yet, so I come here and I sit and just, uh...
Vanessa: Think about how hard it is to know whose side you're supposed to be on, Mom versus Dad, kid in the middle? Confession: I read one of your practice essays. You left it in a book that you gave Dan, and that's why I called you. To apologize.
Nate: ...Why?
Vanessa: Because I judged the cover, but now that I've read the book, I figured you were owed some apologetic souvlaki at the very least.
(They smile and laugh.)
(S is walking down the street when her phone rings.)
Serena: Hey, Georgie. It was good to see you last night. When did you say you were going back to Belgium?
Georgina: Um, Switzerland, actually. And I'm supposed to leave tomorrow, but I'm not going until I get a chance to make it up to you first.
Serena, lying: Oh, nothing to make up, I had fun!
Georgina: No, you didn't. I mean, until after you left I don't think I really heard what you were saying. I-I didn't get it. You've really changed.
Serena: Yeah, I have.
Georgina: I don't mean to sound corny, but... It's a real inspiration to me.
Serena: Really?
Georgina: I mean look, I've always thought that I am who I'm going to be for the rest of my life, and even those times when I maybe don't like myself, well... You can't decide to be somebody else.
Serena: No, you can...
Georgina, with a huge glass of vodka: Yeah listen, let's have dinner. I-I mean, I want to hear about your life, and if you can change, maybe there's hope for me, too.
Serena: No, I... I have to study. I have SATs in the morning.
Georgina: It'll just be an hour. We can time it, I promise. The hardest drug on the table will be Perrier.
Gossip Girl: "Spotted: Serena Van Der Woodsen, being given a real life multiple choice question. A: go home and study, B: get a good night's sleep, C: call your boyfriend, or D..."
Serena: An hour.
Gossip Girl: "...None of the above."
Georgina: Good!
Gossip Girl: "Hope that wasn't the wrong answer, S. This test doesn't grade on a curve."
ACT FOUR
(Lonelyboy, studying on the Humphrey couch, annoys Little J, studying at the kitchen island.)
Dan: All right, "capacious." Looks like ... "spacious." What does it mean? "Roomy." Oh yeah. "Captious." Looks like... That looks like "capacious." Oh, I can't concentrate.
Jenny: Sound of your own voice distracting you?
Dan: No. It's, uh, Serena, actually. We had an argument.
Rufus: I'm home!
Jenny, running to him: Oh, lookit! Trig identities are memorized, my Latin is resurrected, and my Lit paper's finished.
Rufus: Impressive. ...Seeing as you've returned the Valentino
Jenny: ...I'm not grounded anymore?
Rufus, producing a new sewing machine: I have something for you.
Jenny: No way! Oh!
Rufus: It's not exactly the same as the one you pawned, but...
Jenny, squealing: Thank you, Dad!
Dan: You know, Jen, no one's happier than me to see this. Do you know how much it costs to get a zipper repaired?
Rufus: Yeah, I figured since you'd be spending so much time at home...
Jenny: ...Wait. What?
Dan: So I guess you're still grounded.
Rufus: Dan.
Jenny: Dad, wait. I met this really nice guy, and I'm supposed to meet him in the Park for lunch tomorrow.
Rufus: Well, grounded or not grounded, you're not old enough to date.
Jenny: It's not a date. He's just a friend.
Dan: Who is this guy?
Jenny: You don't know him. He goes to Unity.
Rufus: Wait, Upper-East-Side Unity?
Dan: Technically that's Upper West Side, Dad.
Rufus: How are you helping? (To Jenny.) I thought you wanted to take a break from that whole crowd.
Jenny: What whole crowd?
Rufus: The one that made you feel like compromising your character was a prerequisite to hanging out with them.
Jenny: So it's okay for Dan to date someone rich, though?
Dan: Well, it's not without its complications, believe me.
Rufus: I thought you said it wasn't a date.
(Jenny screams and runs, slamming her bedroom door.)
Rufus: ...It was nice there for a minute.
Dan: Yeah, it was.
(B and her Army drink smoothies in the parlor while she leaves a voicemail for S.)
Blair: Hey S, I'm just sipping a gingko biloba blended smoothie and wondering how your stomach-migraine is. Call me so I don't worry. (Hangs up.) How you doing, Nelly Yuki?
Nelly Yuki: My upper trapezius seems to hold a lot of sadness.
Blair: Aww, something tells me you'll be feeling better very soon. Any minute.
Nelly Yuki: No. I think I should just go home and study.
(Nelly Yuki tries to get up, but a sharp look from B makes the masseuse shove her down again, hard.)
Dorota: Mr. Jansen is here to see Miss Yuki.
Nelly Yuki: Todd's here? Do I have cushion face?
Isabel, to a look from B: A little. Nelly Yuki, scrambling to put her glasses back on: Hello, Todd.
Todd: Hi, Nelly. Blair said it was all right if I came.
Nelly Yuki: For a Siberian Ginseng pedi?
Todd: No. I really feel bad about how things ended, Nell.
Nelly Yuki: So do I. Todd, sharing a meaningful glance with B: Can we talk about it? In private?
Nelly Yuki: Okay! Thank you, B!
(They leave.)
Blair: Lucky for us, mental acuity and common sense rarely come in the same package.
(The girls giggle.)
Blair: Oxygen facials, anyone?
(N and Vanessa, headed down the street in Brooklyn.)
Nate: Next time your sister's band is in town, I want front row seats.
Vanessa: You don't strike me as a lesbian punk fan.
Nate: You know, I am almost offended by how much you underestimate me, Ms. Abrams.
Vanessa: You like punk?
Nate: Oh, I didn't hear you s... You said "punk"? Cause you had me at "lesbian."
Vanessa: Oh, right. Didn't see that one coming.
Nate: Hey, tell me something.
Vanessa: Yes?
Nate: Why do you do SAT practice tests if you're not planning on taking the exam?
Vanessa: To help Dan study. I'm a filmmaker, best education for me is making films.
Nate: I've never met ... anyone who thought college was optional.
Vanessa: My parents are artists, my sister's a musician. Just like going to an Ivy is your family's way, not going to college is mine.
Nate: Think your parents want to adopt a 17 year old? Maybe?
(They reach the coffeeshop and she takes out her keys.)
Nate: So...
Vanessa: So...
Nate: I guess this is good night, then?
Vanessa: I don't live here, you know.
Nate: No, I know.
Vanessa: I'm just grabbing my laptop.
Nate: Oh.
Vanessa: Do you want to come inside?
Nate: Um...
Vanessa: God. It does feel like that doorstep moment.
Nate, kissing her: And what moment would that be?
Vanessa: Yeah. That's the moment.
(They go inside, still kissing.)
(S and G in a booth at a restaurant while "We Started Nothing" by The Ting Tings plays.)
Waitress: Can I get you two a cocktail?
Georgina, after a moment: Oh... I'm fine with my Diet Coke, thank you.
Serena: Um, yeah. Me too. Thanks.
Georgina: So... Tell me about Dan.
Serena: I did.
Georgina: Oh, come on. His last name and his zip code? Scintillating details. Come on! He's part of Serena, second edition!
Serena: Well... I like the way I feel when he looks at me.
Georgina: How?
Serena: Like... Like I wanna believe in myself. I know, you think it's a cliché?
Georgina: Uh, no. No, sweetie. I think it's... It's incredible.
Serena: Yeah.
Georgina: Look... I know I may not be your most trusted friend right now, but I think I know the old you pretty well.
Serena: Yeah, better than, um, anyone, actually.
Georgina: Well, from where I sit, it would take a lot to bring that person back.
Serena: Um... I'm gonna call him, actually. He's pretty nervous about tomorrow, so I wanna wish him luck. So I'll be back.
(S leaves the table and G's smile falls; she dumps a vial of GHB in S's Diet Coke and sits back as S returns.)
Georgina: That was quick!
Serena: Yeah, he didn't pick up.
Georgina: Oh, you can try him again later.
Serena: Yeah.
Georgina: Okay, I'd like to propose a toast.
Serena: Okay.
Georgina: To the new you.
Serena, proudly: To the new me.
Georgina: Cheers!
[SCENE_BREAK]
ACT FIVE
(S wakes up in her clothes, in G's bed, moaning and confused.)
Georgina: Ooh, you don't look so good. You okay, S?
Serena: No, I'm not okay. Wait, how did we get here? What are we doing here? Oh my God, I'm supposed to be at Hunter College...
Georgina: If memory serves, and it usually does, they don't let you in if you're late.
Serena: Oh my God.
Georgina, hopping on the bed to call room service: I'm thinking eggs. Do you want Florentine or Benedict?
Serena: Wait. I was drinking soda, Georgie.
Georgina: Yeah, until you switched to Patron. Look, don't worry. I called Lily and covered your ass. So... You're welcome.
Serena: No! You... You knew I had SATs this morning.
Georgina: Which is why I brought you here, instead of letting you go home with one of your many suitors. You know the guy with the ironic mustache? You two took over the DJ booth...
Serena: Wait, a mustache? What are you talking about?
Georgina: I guess you haven't changed as much as you thought.
Serena, on the phone: Chuck? Chuck, hey, I'm in trouble. Look, I think I can still make it, but please go to Hunter, try to keep the doors open until I get there.
(N is waiting outside the coffeeshop when Vanessa arrives for work.)
Vanessa: Hey! Last night was strange, but very fun. Still, didn't we just say goodbye like five hours ago?
Nate: I'm taking you somewhere.
Vanessa: I'm going somewhere. To work.
Nate: Get someone to cover for you.
Vanessa: I can't just jump in the car with you because you decide to show up.
Nate: Well, I'm not asking you to. This is a one-time offer, and there's a clock ticking.
Vanessa: But... (N makes a face.) Fine. I am intrigued.
(Little J and Rufus have a silent breakfast while Lonelyboy takes his SAT.)
Rufus: ...You wish your brother good luck today?
Jenny: Yeah. (Silence.) ...May I be excused?
Rufus: No, you may not. And we are not gonna walk around this house all day and not talk to each other.
Jenny: Fine. You want me to speak? I'll speak. You've completely and entirely prejudged the Upper East Side.
Rufus: Maybe you shouldn't speak...
Jenny: Dad, I learned my lesson on my birthday. Asher's not like those girls. He's different, he's nice, and polite, and he likes animals. Please let me go today?
Rufus: So you didn't cancel?
Jenny: I thought you'd change your mind.
Rufus, tossing down his fork and giving her the phone: I haven't.
(N and Vanessa approach Hunter College.)
Vanessa: Nate, I don't know about this. I can't. I didn't even study!
Nate: Yeah, you still made great scores on your practice tests.
Vanessa: That was for fun.
Nate: Listen, there's nothing wrong with keeping your options open. I don't think your parents are gonna be mad at you for choosing your own path. Unless they're related to my parents.
Vanessa: Okay. Right now I'm going inside, and I'm not looking back or I might change my mind.
(B and her Army catch Nelly Yuki coming up the steps looking busted.)
Blair: Rough night?
Nelly Yuki: Yeah, and not in a good way. Todd doesn't wanna get back together.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Blair: No? But he said...
Nelly Yuki, dropping her calculator: We stayed up all night having the same conversation about why we broke up, over and over again.
Blair, retrieving and returning the calculator: Unbelievable. I can't believe it. Crazy.
Nelly Yuki: I got no sleep, spent the whole night crying...
Blair: -- Okay! Well, good luck.
(They walk away.)
Isabel: Do you really think this is gonna work?
Blair, producing the batteries from her calculator: Yes, but I also believe in insurance.
Isabel: You never did tell us how you got Todd to play along.
Blair: Isabel, what are you doing later tonight?
Isabel: Uh, not Todd.
Blair: Okay. Well, I guess I'm gonna have to come up with something else.
(B meets Lonelyboy at registration.)
Blair: ...Where's Serena?
Dan: Uh, I don't know, but I bet Chuck does.
Blair: Ugh. Well, I'll try to save a seat for her.
Dan: Yeah, I'll ... I'll keep calling.
(B leaves and he tries S's phone again.)
Dan: Hey, Serena, it's me. A... a very worried me, concerned about a very missing you."
Redhead, at the registration tables: Hi. I'm Serena Van Der Woodsen?
(Lonelyboy stares at Fake S.)
ACT SIX
(B and Lonelyboy walk out of the test together.)
Blair: How'd you do?
Dan: Uh, not my finest hour. I finished, but... I kinda had a lot on my mind.
Blair: I'll keep calling.
Dan: Yeah. I think I know where to find her.
(Lonelyboy heads down the steps, but sees N picking Vanessa up after the test, and stares.)
Blair, on phone: Hey S, it's B. Now I'm really worried. I'm gonna go home and change, and then... (She sees Vanessa and N.) Call me, bye.
(Lonelyboy and B stare as N's towncar drives away.)
(Lonelyboy knocks on Chuck's door; S waits a moment before opening it.)
Dan, relieved: Hey!
Serena: Hey.
Dan: What's going on?
Serena, stepping back: Um... Nothing. I'm fine.
Dan: No you're not, and you need to stop saying that. Hey, come here. Where were you?
Chuck, appearing: She was with me.
Serena: What he means is, we were both at home. Um, my stomach started acting up again...
Dan: Oh, okay. A food poisoning relapse? Look, if... If you didn't study enough and you're freaked out, I can...
Serena: -- I told you. I was sick.
Dan: You paid someone else to take the SAT for you, and that's the best you can do?
Serena: What are you talking about?
Dan: I'm talking about the five-foot-nothing redhead claiming to be Serena Van Der Woodsen. I'm... I'm pretty sure that wasn't you.
Serena: Chuck, what did you do? I told you to keep the doors open. When I got there, they were closed.
Chuck: Yeah, they don't keep the doors open. I was thinking on my feet, just trying to help.
Dan, touching her face: I'm not mad, okay? I'm just worried. I've been so worried about you. Please, help me understand what's going on here.
Serena, sadly: Can we talk tomorrow? I'll call you. I'm sorry.
Dan: I'm sorry, too.
(Chuck reaches to close the door, and Dan leaves.)
Serena: Chuck, you went too far.
Chuck: And so did you, sis. Look, I feel foolish for admitting it, but obviously I've come late to this party.
Serena: English, please.
Chuck: What's Georgina got on you?
Serena: Chuck...
Chuck: Dan, I understand -- but what's so bad you can't even tell me?
(S walks away.)
(G answers a knock at the door; it's S.)
Georgina: Oh, hi sweetie. Let me just, uh, call some room service...
Serena, from the doorway: I don't want you to ever contact me again.
Georgina: Just because of a few nights of harmless fun?
Serena: It wasn't fun waking up and not knowing where I was, it wasn't fun missing the SATs, and it definitely wasn't fun lying to Dan.
Georgina: And this is all my fault because...
Serena: -- My fault. Because I make huge mistakes when I'm with you.
Georgina: So you want to distance yourself from your mistakes by staying away from me? You were there too, Serena. It was just as much you, if not more...
Serena: -- This is not about last year. It's about last night.
Georgina: Like you were just some innocent bystander who walked in on...
Serena: I'm not talking about it, Georgina! Okay? And neither are you. If I go down, you go down with me. In the meantime, stay out of my life.
Georgina: I don't need anybody in my life who doesn't want to be there.
Serena: Then we're agreed.
(Georgina slams the door, and starts to pack angrily before changing her mind.)
(Rufus answers the door at the loft; it's Asher.)
Rufus: You must be the Unity boy.
Asher, shifting a big paper bag full of hotdogs to shake hands: Uh, hopefully there's not another one on his way. Name's Asher, and I do go to Unity. Hi.
Jenny, appearing: Asher? What are you doing here?
Rufus: I was just gonna ask the same thing.
Asher, showing her the bag: Uh, since you couldn't come to the hotdogs, I'm bringing them to you. Sorry to surprise you, sir.
Jenny: That's so sweet, especially since my unreasonable father has grounded me for life.
Rufus: I'm standing right here.
Asher: I wish more of my friends' parents cared enough to ground them when they messed up.
Gossip Girl: Looks like our queen wannabe's found her perfect king.
Rufus: Well, since you're here, with a ... year's supply of hotdogs, maybe you'd like to come in.
Gossip Girl: "We hear he's a Unity man. Guess big brother's been teaching little sis how to snag the ones with a trust fund."
(Lonelyboy broods in the park; a golden retriever runs up.)
Dan: Hey, buddy. There you go.
Georgina: Aw! Georgie, hey! Bad boy! Sorry he disturbed you.
Dan: Uh, it's fine. I love dogs.
Georgina: Really? Do you have any?
Dan: No. Uh, we used to have a cat, but, you know, sister, allergies. Now the cat, Iggy, lives in Florida with my Grandma. I... He doesn't write. Never calls.
Georgina: I'm sorry to hear that.
Dan, handing her the leash: It's just a cat.
Georgina: Um. I'm Sarah, by the way.
Dan: I'm Dan. Nice to meet you, Sarah. | Plan: A: Serena's Upper East Side world; Q: What is turned upside down when Georgina Sparks returns to Manhattan? A: Georgina Sparks; Q: Who is Serena's former partner in all things bad? A: Michelle Trachtenberg; Q: Who plays Georgina Sparks? A: trouble; Q: What does Georgina Sparks stir up in Serena's life? A: Serena's past; Q: What is Georgina Sparks trying to uncover? A: the conclusion; Q: What does Dan jump to when he notices Serena is preoccupied? A: step-brother; Q: What is Chuck's relationship to Serena? A: Nate; Q: Who finds romance with Vanessa? A: Vanessa; Q: Who is the last person Nate expected to connect with? A: Jenny; Q: Who meets a new guy, Asher Hornsby? A: permanent popularity; Q: What does Jenny hope to achieve with Asher Hornsby? A: Blair; Q: Who hatches a plan to sabotage Nelly Yuki? A: a secret plan; Q: What does Blair hatch to sabotage Nelly Yuki? A: Nelly Yuki; Q: Who is Blair's biggest rival? A: Yin Chang; Q: Who plays Nelly Yuki? Summary: Serena's Upper East Side world is turned upside down when her former partner in all things bad, Georgina Sparks (Michelle Trachtenberg), returns to Manhattan to stir up trouble and Serena's past. When Dan notices that Serena seems preoccupied, he jumps to the conclusion that it must have something to do with Serena's new roomie and soon-to-be step-brother, Chuck. Nate finds romance with the last person he was expecting to connect with, Vanessa. Jenny meets a new guy, Asher Hornsby, who just might be her ticket to permanent popularity. Finally, Blair hatches a secret plan to sabotage her biggest rival, Nelly Yuki (Yin Chang). |
Ted (2030): In May of 2007, Aunt Lily and Uncle Marshall got married at the historic Van Smoot House in upstate New York.
Lily and Robin enter in a house...
Robin: Wow, it's beautiful, Lily.
Lily: Yeah. It's just how I always pictured it.
Ted (2030)Well, that was a load of crap. You see, kids, when you get married, you learn a hard lesson. The wedding you set out to have is almost never the wedding you end up with. At the bar, 8 months before the wedding...
Lily: So, we've decided on a small, outdoor wedding, just family and close friends. No more than 25 people in a beautiful garden somewhere, maybe an acoustic guitar playing while we walk down the aisle.
Barney: And maybe you already know someone who went down to the courthouse and registered as an officiant so that he or she-- he-- could perform the ceremony.
Robin: But you hate marriage. Why do you want to perform the ceremony?
Barney: Because it subtly implants in the mind of every woman there that when I ask a question, you say, "I do." Yeah.
Ted (2030): The closer you get to the big day, the more concessions you make.
At the apartment, 6 months before the wedding...
Lily: Great. Now my mom's making me invite the Lessners. This puts our numbers in the triple digits.
Robin: Wow. I guess sometimes, Lessner is more... ner. You know how like sometimes less is more.
Ted: Yeah. This is one of those times, sweetie?
Marshall: You know what? That's okay. It'll be a slightly big outdoor wedding.
At the bar, 5 months before the wedding...
Lily: So it's not going to be an outdoor wedding anymore. Marshall's dad is convinced if we have an outdoor wedding in New York, he's going to get mugged, so it's going to be inside now. It'll be great. We're still going to have our acoustic guitar player.
At the apartment, 3 months before the wedding...
Lily: So now, instead of an acoustic guitar, we're having a harp player. Yeah. My dad owes a guy, and... that guy's daughter plays the harp.
Barney: Is she hot? I'd love to be able to cross "harp player" off my list.
Marshall: How long is this list?
Barney: Dude, I'm not gonna count how many pages the list is. I'm not crass.
Lily: Well, it doesn't matter anyway. She's pregnant.
Barney: Sweet! I can cross off two things.
Ted (2030): And the day arrives for Lily and Marshall's very big indoor wedding... with a harp.
1 hour and 42 minutes before the wedding...
Andrea: Hi, Lily.
Lily: Wow. Andrea. You really are pregnant.
Andrea: Yeah.
Robin: How do you play the harp with your belly so...?
Andrea: Oh, I don't really-- I can only reach about half the strings.
Robin: You only play half the harp?
Andrea: Yeah.
Robin: Oh, no. Uh, okay. Lily, I will take care of this. Um, I'll just pluck the other half. Is it hard to learn?
Andrea: I've been studying the harp for 12 years.
Robin: Yeah, but I'm a fast learner. You ever hear of "Guitar Hero"? Learned that in a day. Is there a "Harp Hero"?
Lily: Robin, it's fine. So, so, when are you due?
Andrea: Tuesday.
Lily: Wow, that's soon.
Andrea: Last Tuesday.
1 hour and 38 minutes before the wedding...
Robin: Holy crap, we have to fire her. She's gonna drop a shorty in the middle of your ceremony.
Lily: Robin, I'm not going to freak myself out. I hate those women who say, "Oh, my wedding has to be perfect." Things go wrong. Sometimes the deejay screws up your playlist. Sometimes you slip on placenta during the recessional.
Barney arrives at the bar of the wedding...
Barney: Can I grab a scotch and soda real quick?
Barman: No. I'm not allowed to serve anything until the reception.
Barney: Wow. You just cost yourself a big tip, buddy.
Barman: I'm not allowed to accept tips, buddy.
Barney: You allowed to accept criticism? You, sir, are an ass... buddy.
In Lily's room...
Barney: Hey, you want to know what line doesn't work on a harp player? "Hey, baby, want to pluck?"
Robin: Really? That didn't work.
Barney: Not even a little. Hey! Who's Bill?
Lily: Bill?
Barney: Yeah. This guy came up to me at the bar.
Flashback.
Bill: Can I ask you something? Where in the ceremony is the place where they ask if anyone objects?
Barney: Uh... Don't think they do that anymore.
Bill: Oh, so when do you think someone should do it? Just wait for a lull or what?
End of flasback.
Lily: Oh, no. Did he look like a guy who tried to be an umpire but failed?
Barney: He kind of did.
Lily: That's Scooter.
Robin: Your high school boyfriend, Scooter?
Lily: His real name is Bill. My mom must have invited him.
Robin: Why? Why would she do that?
Lily: Our families are really close. But my ex-boyfriend? Come on, Mom. I didn't invite that professional squash player Dad busted you with. Oh, I need a glass of wine.
Barney: I'll get it.
Lily: Oh, thanks. Hey, how's Marshall doing?
Barney: He's great. He's about to get his hair cut.
Lily: Oh. I'm worried my cousin's going to cut it too short.
Barney: Me, too. I was up all night.
Barney leaves the room when Scooter comes in...
Scooter: Hello, Lily.
Barney: Hey, Bill.
Scooter: Hey, Barney.
Lily: Scooter, what are you doing here?
Scooter: It's not "Scooter" anymore. It's Bill. A lot of things have changed about me, Lily, but one hasn't. I still love you. And I came here to win you back.
Lily: You're really cute. Oh, no. Really?
Scooter. Lily, I-I know it's crazy, but I love you, and if you can look me in the eye and tell me that you want to marry Marshall, I will leave right now and be out of your life forever.
Lily: I want... I want... Scooter!
Barney's back a the bar...
Barney: I need a glass of wine.
Barman: And I need you to get out of my face.
Barney: It's for the bride, so...
BarmanWhite or red?
Barney: White. And, uh... she'd also like a scotch and soda.
Barman: You got it.
Barney: She'd also like a bowl of smoked almonds.
Barman: I don't have any, but I guess I could run out to the corner and get some.
Barney: Well, it's only the biggest day of her life, so...The barman leaves... Let the games begin.
47 minutes before the wedding...
Barney: Here. Can't stay. Got to try something.
Scooter: Maybe my words won't change your mind, but maybe the words of a poet will. I read from "November Rain." By W. Axl Rose.
Robin: That is a good song.
Brad: Barney said you needed me to bounce some guy named Scooter?
Scooter runs out...
Brad: What's up with Bill?
Robin: That's Scooter.
Brad: I'm on it.
People start to sit in the wedding place...
Barney: Hey.
Woman: Hey.
Barney: Can I have your phone number?
Woman: No.
Barney: It's for the bride.
Woman: Oh. Hold on. Let me go get a pen.
Barney: The bride wants you to walk slower.
40 minutes before the wedding, in Lily's wearing her dress...
Robin: Oh, wow.
Lily: Oh. Robin... My makeup looks perfect right now, and I'm about to cry. Do something.
Robin: I have hairy nipples.
Lily: Really?
Robin: No, but it worked, didn't it?
Brad: Hey. Funny story. I tackled this guy I thought was Scooter. Turns out it was your photographer. Don't worry. I got this sweet camera phone, so we're covered.
Robin: There's a photographer? Oh, my God. Okay, I just have to call...
Lily: Robin, stop. Stop. It's okay. I am not gonna let anything get to me today.
33 minutes before the wedding...
Woman: I just got a call from the florist. The flowers won't be here till halfway through the ceremony.
Lily: I'm okay.
28 minutes before the wedding...
Man: I hate to bother you, but... I think I found your veil in the parking lot.
Lily: I'm fine.
24 minutes before the wedding...
Andrea: Just FYI: my water broke. But I can probably......make it through.
Lily: Totally cool.
Robin: Oh, no. Lily, I think I forgot your bridal panties. I-I thought I had them. I'm so sorry.
Lily: Oh, it's okay, I'll just wear the ones I have on.
Robin: Are you sure?
Lily: I'm marrying Marshall today. So it doesn't even matter that I'm gonna walk down the aisle without a veil in a room that has no flowers to the music of half a harp played by a woman who's crowning, as my high school boyfriend reads Guns N' Roses lyrics. But that's okay, because there's no photographer there to take any pictures of it anyway.
Robin: Lily, are you okay?
Lily: What do you think?! Of course I'm not okay! Everything that could possibly go wrong at my wedding has! It's ruined!
Robin: What happened to "I don't want a perfect wedding"?
Lily: Oh, grow up, Robin! Of course I want a perfect wedding! Oh, God. I wanted... I wanted not to care about the wedding, but... I do. I... I'm supposed to feel like a princess today.
Robin: And you will. It's gonna be okay, sweetie. Why don't we go outside? I have something that'll make you feel better.
Lily: What could you have that could possibly make me feel better? God, I hope Marshall's having a better day than I'm having.
Marshall enters in a room with something to hide his hair...
Marshall: Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God!
Ted: What?
Marshall shows his hair and he has blond drills.
Barney: Well, it's not too short.
Marshall: My hair! Look at my hair! She ruined my hair! I look like one of the Backstreet Boys!
Barney: You totally do. And not even the good Backstreet Boys, the older, lame dance move, comeback tour Backstreet Boys.
Ted: The good Backstreet Boys?
Marshall: Guys! Guys! What am I gonna do?!
Ted: What-what the hell happened to you?
Marshall: Lily's cousin is in beauty school, and Lily didn't want her to do her hair, so she said she could do mine.
Flashback. Marshall's with Lily's cousin...
Marshall: So, um, just not-not too short, okay?
Cousin: Oh, no, we don't even have to cut it at all. Could just give it some style.
Marshall: Oh, okay, yeah, that's great. 'Cause, um, when it gets too short, it starts to look weird. And I don't want to look weird when I'm up there, you know.
Cousin: Ooh, I could give you some cool guy tips.
Marshall: I don't think I need advice on how to be cool, but yeah, great, lay that on me.
End of flashback.
Marshall: I can't get married like this! There's no way!
Barney: Ah, let me see what I can do.
Ted: What? What can you do?
Barney: I have a superpower.
Marshall: Lily is gonna kill me! Look at me! She's not gonna want to marry me like this.
Ted: That's crazy. Of course she will.
Marshall: Would you marry me?
Ted: No. But not because of the hair. It's because I have a rule: never marry anyone you've had a farting contest with.
Marshall: Oh, great. So now you're saying Lily and I shouldn't even get married?
[SCENE_BREAK]
In the wedding room...
Barney: Could I have everyone's attention, please? It's for the bride. One, the bride would... like all of this tension out of my shoulders. And she would like, let's say, you in the inappropriatel short dress to rub them. Two... What was two?
In Marshall's room...
Ted: Okay, we have a bit of a situation. Let's not panic. Let's just find a solution.
Marshall takes a razor and shaves the middle of his hair... Dude, you shaved your freakin' head.
Marshall: Yeah, yeah, but it's good. I ought to shave it all off. What a great solution. Just be bald 'cause it's cool, right? Bruce Willis, Michael Jordan, Britney Spears... Oh, God, what did I do?! How could you let me shave my head?!
Ted: What?!
Marshall: You're the worst best man ever! I hate you! I'm not going out there! I'm leaving and I'm never coming back.I'm gonna go find that money under the rock by the tree and go live with the guys on the beach in Zihautanejo.
Ted: Dude, those guys are criminals.
Marshall: Only Red Andy was falsely accused. Ted, you're my best man! You got to do something!
Ted: Okay, all right, come here. Just breathe, breathe, all right? Don't worry. Don't worry. I'll just... I'll take these.
Marshall: No!
Ted's in the wedding room...
Ted: Uh, hi. Uncle Ben, right?
Ben: Yes.
Ted: Yes, we're, we're having a little bit of a problem back there. Um, and I was wondering if you could help us out.
Ben: Yeah.
Ted: Marshall accidentally shaved part of his head.
Ben: Oh, no!
Ted: Yeah. Yeah, so here's what I was thinking. What if I found something to cover up the bald area?
Ben: Yeah, that would probably work, but with what? That's a tough one.
Ted: Maybe a wig of some sort or a, um... toupee. Something that matches
his hair color, which is, which is kind of the same color as the top of your hair.
Ben: Mm, yeah. Does anyone here wear a toupee? (Ben's wearing a toupee) Shouldn't be hard to find out. Most of them are pretty bad.
Ted: That is true. That is true. We just need to find someone who wears a toupee that is the same color as Marshall's and your hair.
Ben: Boy, that's a pretty tall order.
Ted: Really? You can't think of any place in the general area where there might be a toupee of the kind I'm describing to you?
Ben: No, not off the top of my... No. Can't.
Ted: Let me come at this from a different angle. I got $50 in my pocket which is probably a lot more... Barney comes and takes the toupee.
Barney: The bride needs this.
13 minutes before the wedding, Marshall's wearing the toupee.
Marshall: Actually, I think it kinda works.
Ted: It totally does.
Marshall: Barney?
Barney: To be honest, I'm, uh, I'm jealous I don't get to wear it.
Marshall: Okay, problem solved. Crisis averted. Let's get me married. It looks terrible, doesn't it?
Ted: It kinda looks like fur, which gives you the appearance of a cleaned-up Bigfoot.
Marshall: Oh, you know...
Ted: In a bad way.
Brad: Hey. Cool hair, bro.
Ted: What happened to your shirt?
Brad: I got sauce on it when I tackled the caterer.
Ted: You gonna put another shirt on?
Brad: No, I'm good. Hey, you guys seen Scooter?
Marshall: What? What? Scooter's here? That guy's at my wedding?
Brad: Not for long, bro. Not for long.
Marshall: Okay, you know what? I need some air. I think we should go for a walk, okay?
In the park...
Barney: It would cover up the problem. It's festive and it celebrates the heritage of this great nation.
Ted: Okay, unless you actually have one in your car, stop suggesting authentic Native American headdress.
Marshall: Oh, no.
Lily: Oh, my God! Marshall...
Marshall: Lily, you're not supposed to see me.
Robin: Holy crap, I don't think anyone's supposed to see you.
Lily: What happened? Did Amy do this to you?
Marshall: Just the frosted tips. I did the rest. I'm sorry, baby. I've ruined the whole wedding, haven't I?
Lily: Oh, no, you didn't ruin the wedding, sweetie. It was already ruined. There's no flowers, no photographer. Oh, and Scooter's here, by the way.
Marshall: Yeah, I know. I heard.
Lily: My veil got thrashed, the harp player is in labor, and I'm not wearing my wedding underwear.
Marshall: What? No "Property of Marshall" across the back? How are people going to know whose butt that is?
Lily: What happened? Remember the wedding we wanted, the intimate outdoor ceremony?
Marshall: I wish we could have that wedding.
Ted: So do it.
Marshall: What?
Ted: Get married now. Right here. Look, it's outside like you always wanted. Intimate, close friends. There's no guitar, but it's pretty close. Barney can officiate.
Barney: Yes. Yes, I can. Uh, excuse me, guys. You all dropped something: your jaws-- because Barney Stinson is about to aid and abet a marriage.
Marshall: Could we even do that? I mean, what about all those people in there?
Robin: Do that one, too. And then when everything goes wrong, you won't care because you already had the real wedding out here.
Marshall: What do you think, baby?
Lily: I love it.
Marshall: Me, too. Let's do it. Let's get married before we get married.
Lily: Great. Wait, hold on. Excuse me, sir. Could we borrow your hat?
Man: Okay.
Lily: Thank you.
Lily takes the hat and gives it to Marshall.
Marshall: Hat. We thought of authentic Native American headdress before we thought of hat.
Barney: Thank you all for coming. For those of you who don't know me... I'm not the biggest believer in marriage. But... you two are so great together, you know? It's like you were, uh, made for each other.
Robin: He's gonna cry.
Barney: No, I'm not. I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not. Lily and Marshall... when everyone sees you, they... see true love. It's the best love... Can we just, um, move on to the rings or something?
Marshall: Oh, no. I don't have my vows.
Lily: I don't have mine either.
Ted: You don't need your vows. Just say why you love each other.
Marshall: Okay, I'll go first. Lily, there are a million reasons why I love you. You make me laugh and you take care of me when I'm sick. You're sweet, caring and you even created an egg dish and named it after me. She puts a little Italian dressing in scrambled eggs before she cooks them. It's called "Eggs Marshall," and it's awesome. But the main reason that I love you is that you're my best friend, Lily. You're, uh... you're the best friend I ever had. I'm sorry, buddy.
Ted: No problem.
Barney: It's totally okay.
Lily: My turn. Oh, thank you. Marshall, I love you because you're funny and you make me feel loved and you make me feel safe and for our anniversary you gave me a sweatshirt that says, "Lily and Marshall. Rockin' It Since '96." I kinda wish I was wearing it right now 'cause it smells like you. But the main reason I love you, Marshall Ericksen, is you make me happy. You make me happy all the time.
Robin: Hey, I found your panties!
Lily: I'm good.
Barney: Marshall, do you take Lily to be your wife to have and to hold from this day forward?
Lily: Slow down.
Barney: I can't From this day forward so as long as you both shall live?
Marshall: I do.
Barney: Lily, do you promise to take Marshall to be your husband to have and to hold... live?
Lily: I do.
Barney: Okay, then, by the power invested in me by the very bitter old Pakistani man who works down at the courthouse on Lafayette Street, I now pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the bride.
They kiss
Marshall: Did you smoke?
Lily: No.
Robin: Wow. First lie of marriage. That was fast.
Ted (2030): After that, we all went back inside for the second wedding. And yes, a lot of things did go wrong, but it didn't matter because when I look back on that day, what I remember is the first wedding; the intimate outdoor ceremony with just close friends and an acoustic guitar.
In a room...
Marshall: How do you feel?
Lily: Tired. I got married twice today.
Marshall: So where do you want to do it for the first time as a married couple, nice hotel room or a reception hall bathroom?
Lily: What do you think? Bathroom, of course.
In the bathroom...
Ted: Please don't.
Marshall and Lily: Sorry, Ted. | Plan: A: Marshall's wedding day; Q: What day does Lily and Marshall have? A: Barney; Q: Who steps in to save Lily and Marshall's wedding? Summary: Lily and Marshall's wedding day arrives, but nothing goes as they had planned. Surprisingly, Barney steps in to save their once-in-a-lifetime moment. Meanwhile, Barney abuses the 'it's for the bride' superpower. |
Skyline: Lightning flashes.
ACT ONE
Scene One - Apartment In the morning, Ronee and Martin are in the living room, wearing their bathrobes and getting breakfast. Ronee is at the piano.
[To the tune of "Good Morning" from "Singing in the Rain."]
Ronee: [singing] Good morning, good morning, I'd like a bagel too, and schmear it, with cream cheese, thank you...
Martin sways appreciatively, but Frasier comes out in his bathrobe, bleary and irritable.
Frasier: Excuse me, excuse me! Did it occur to you that some of us might still be trying to sleep?
Martin: Oh, lighten up, Fras, Ronee was just showing me how she can change the lyrics to any song to suit the occasion.
Frasier: Yes, very impressive. Does she take requests?
Martin: Sure!
Frasier: Stop it!
Frasier goes to the table and pours himself coffee.
Ronee: You know what you need, Grumpy? A nice hot breakfast. Marty, why don't you get Grumpy here some breakfast?
Frasier: I don't want any breakfast, and please stop calling me that.
[To the tune of John Denver's "Thank God he's a country boy."]
Ronee: [singing] Got me some ham, and some cakes on the griddle/ Whoo! Good God, he's a grumpy boy!
Martin laughs uproariously.
Martin: You see what she just did?
Frasier: Yes, it's mind-boggling. Listen, Dad, do you mind giving me a ride to work today? My car is in the shop.
Martin: Again?
Frasier: Well, yeah, my seat-warmer's stuck on high, so I tried to offset it by blasting the air conditioner, which resulted in sort of a fog bank on my dashboard.
Ronee: I can give you a ride, Fras. I mean, it's just an old Caddy, so there's nothing fancy like butt warmers or seat belts.
Frasier: Fine. Let me just make sure my will is in order, and I'll be back in a minute.
He gets up and dashes to his room.
Martin: Well, I'm going to go take a shower.
Frasier: [on his way out] Don't use all the hot water!
Martin: I know. Gotta leave enough for milady's tub.
Ronee: Oh, that's okay, I can take a shower too.
Martin: I wasn't talking about you.
Martin exits. Ronee's mobile rings, she answers. As she talks, Frasier re-appears in the hallway, but she doesn't see him.
Ronee: Hello? Oh, Richard, hi.
Hearing this, Frasier ducks behind the wall. As she turns toward the piano, he hunches closer to hear better.
Ronee: Listen, this really isn't a good time. I was just heading into a yoga class and... yeah. No, I would love to have dinner. That sounds fun. Okay, I'll see you then, sweetie.
As she hangs up, Frasier retreats a step, then makes a loud entrance, as if he just came in.
Frasier: You know, I got two steps in my room and realized I'd forgotten - ah, there it is.
He picks up his coffee cup as Ronee sits at the piano again.
[To the tune of "There She Is, Miss America"]
Ronee: [singing] There it is, Frasier's coffee cup...
Frasier: You are a national treasure.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Scene Two - Café Nervosa Niles is seated at a table, composing a letter. Frasier comes in.
Frasier: Niles! Thank God you're here. Listen, there's something I need to discuss with you.
Niles: Oh, wait, wait, wait. I'm in the middle of composing a plea to Alfred Antin in the meter of Dr. Seuss.
Frasier: Who?
Niles: Theodore Geisel, the children's author. You know, "I do not like green eggs and ham/ I do not like them, Sam-I-Am..."
Frasier: Yes, yes, I know who Dr. Seuss is, you ninny. Who's the other guy?
Niles: Oh-oh, Alfred Antin. He's Seattle's premier scenic painter specializing in children's rooms. His billowing clouds can be seen scudding across the ceilings of the finest nurseries in town, but he's booked solid. So I thought if I wrote this...
He notices Frasier's restless shifting.
Niles: Oh, you've lost interest, haven't you?
Frasier: I was feigning interest to begin with. Niles, I-I need your advice on something. Uh, this morning, I-I heard Ronee on the phone make a date with another man.
Niles: Are you sure?
Frasier: I'm positive. She was talking to a man, yes, and in honeyed tones.
Niles: Mm...
Frasier: Here's my predicament. I-I don't want to meddle, but I also don't want to see Dad get hurt. So, how do you suggest we tell him?
Niles: [looks up, surprised] "We?"
Frasier: Yes, "we."
Niles: Don't drag me into this, I don't know a thing about it.
Frasier: You know as much as I do, I just briefed you.
Niles: Well, I didn't want to be briefed.
Frasier: Well, then you should have said something, now you're in as deep as I am! You can't unscramble an egg, Niles.
Niles: What are you talking about?!
Martin enters with a newspaper.
Martin: Oh, boys, boys, boys, I'm glad I caught you. Did you see this?
Niles: [reading] "Doo-wop-alooza"?
Martin: Yeah, one night only. All the greats of doo-wop: The Coasters, The Platters, and that guy from The Teenagers is back from his hip replacement.
Niles: Wow...
Frasier: Yes...
Martin: Oh, I know you guys aren't interested in modern music, but Ronee would really love it. I was hoping maybe you could use your connections to maybe score us a couple of seats?
Frasier: Well, I'm afraid I'm not very well-connected in the doo-wop world, Dad. Uh, if there's ever a "Mahler-palooza," I'm your man.
Niles: Dad, I'll ask around. [gathers his letter] I have to go. I'm off to try and win the heart and mind of A. Antin. I'll go and meet him with my Daphne/ and hope that things don't go ker-phaphne!
He shrugs lamely and exits. Martin sits with Frasier.
Martin: Hey, Fras, sorry again about this morning, you know, me and Ronee waking you up. We were just having a little fun.
Frasier: That's all right. It's great to have a fling once in a while, isn't it?
Martin: Hey, let me tell you something. You don't go to Doo-wop- alooza with a "fling."
Frasier: I see.
Pause. Frasier looks down.
Martin: You got something you want to say, son?
Frasier: No.
Martin: Fine. [signals the waiter]
Frasier: Well, all right, if you insist on dragging it out of me. Something happened this morning, Dad.
Martin: What?
Frasier: Well, I was, uh, walking down the hall to retrieve my coffee, and, uh, Ronee was on the phone, and I didn't want to interrupt, so I waited, and I heard her make a... a date with another man.
Martin sits back, stunned... and takes it badly.
Martin: So you eavesdropped, huh?
Frasier: No.
Martin: Well, a person's having a private conversation. You stop and listen - that's eavesdropping!
Frasier: Dad, it was completely by accident. I understand why you'd be upset, but please don't shoot the messenger.
Martin: Well, the messenger's got it coming if he's a dirty little eavesdropper! You walk into a private conversation, you make your presence known by some subtle way. You can-can clear your throat- [clears throat] you can make a noise- [hits the table]
Frasier: Dad, please!
Martin: [gets up] You know, just because people call in for your precious pearls of wisdom on the radio, it doesn't give you a free pass to get into everybody's business! Now I know why you're always saying, "I'm listening" - because you always are!
As Martin leaves, two men sitting at the window table share a laugh.
Frasier: Oh, well, I'm glad the two of you found that so amusing, but as you just heard, it is rude to listen in on other people's conversations.
The men look at him blankly. One of them gestures a question in sign language, while the other signs back and mouths, "I have no idea." Both men are deaf.
Chagrined, Frasier exits.
[SCENE_BREAK]
THE FIRST OF SHEILA
Scene Three - Apartment The doorbell rings. Frasier answers the door to Niles, then returns to searching the couch cushions.
Frasier: Oh, Niles, come on in.
Niles: Hey, Frasier. Hi, I'm just here to drop off these Doo-wop- alooza tickets for Dad.
Frasier: Oh well, that was good luck, how did you manage it?
Niles: Well, actually, Alfred Antin and his wife are big doo-wop fans, and the couple that was going with them canceled, so-so they let...
He trails off, as Frasier repeatedly lifts the couch cushions, looking for something. Niles lifts one himself.
Niles: They let me have the tickets. What are we looking for?
Frasier: Well, my money clip. Have you seen it?
Niles: Rarely.
Frasier purses his lips at the implied insult, then keeps looking.
Frasier: I've misplaced it, [kicks Martin's chair in frustration] and it's distracting me no end.
Niles: Anyway, Dad was thrilled when I told him I found the tickets.
Frasier: Oh well, I'm glad to hear that. He was just a bit vexed when he left me earlier this morning.
Niles: Over what...? [gasps] Frasier, you told him about Ronee's date!
Frasier: As we agreed!
Niles: "We"?
Frasier: Yes, "we."
Niles: There's no "we!" There's never been a "we!"
Frasier: Oh, give it up, Niles! There's blood on both our hands! [checks his watch] Oh, gosh, I better go eat something. I've got my reading in twenty minutes.
Niles: Reading?
He follows Frasier to the kitchen.
Frasier: Yes, yes, I'm, uh, reciting "Annabelle Lee" for the Poe Society this evening. I-I don't mind telling you, I'm just a bit nervous.
Niles: Oh, don't worry - po' folk don't 'spect much.
Niles laughs as Frasier gives him a look.
Niles: I had to say that. Well, I'm off.
Frasier: Yes.
Niles leaves. Frasier removes a Chinese takeout carton and opens it for inspection, then staggers at the smell. He closes it and replaces it in the refrigerator. At a loss, he takes an apple from the basket and bites into it.
In the living room, Martin and Ronee enter through the front door.
Martin: It's this amazing doo-wop show...
Hearing them, Frasier wants to make his presence known, but his mouth is full of apple. Rather than appear in that condition, he hides behind the kitchen entrance.
Martin: ...all the greats, one night only this Sunday.
Ronee: Sunday? I'm sorry, I-I, I made plans.
Martin: Oh, plans, huh? Uh... what kind of plans?
Frasier swallows, but cannot now come out - he's already heard too much for his presence to seem innocent.
Ronee: Look, Marty, I like you too much to lie to you. I, I have a date.
Martin: Oh, oh, it's no problem, yeah. Uh, want a drink?
Frasier's eyes widen in horror.
Ronee: Oh no, I better not, I'm working. Just a beer.
Frasier hides behind the range as Martin and Ronee comes in. Martin gets two beers from the fridge and gives one to her.
Ronee: You're not upset, are you? I mean, you know, we never really talked about not seeing other people.
Martin: Oh no, it's fine, no, no! I'm seeing other people too.
Frasier, who was looking scared, now looks indignant.
Martin: Maybe I'll ask, uh... Sheila! Yeah, she'll be all over this one. So, uh, how about another night?
Ronee: Yeah, sure. Um, what about Tuesday?
Martin: Great!
Ronee: Great. [then] Wow, I had no idea it was this late.
They exit the kitchen.
Ronee: [o.s.] So, I'll call you about Tuesday.
Frasier rises, and exhales in relief - then ducks as Ronee comes back in. But she has already noticed him. Martin follows her back in.
Ronee: Frasier, what are you doing?
Frasier: I didn't know you two were home. Uh, I was just cleaning the oven, I must have dozed off.
Ronee: Cool. Well, I gotta run. Goodnight, you two.
Martin: See ya.
He waits until she is gone, then rounds on Frasier.
Martin: You have a disease!
Frasier: Dad, please, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, let me explain-
Martin: No, there's nothing to explain! I told you not to eavesdrop and you did it again, you are a very sick person!
Frasier: I tried to announce myself, I had a mouthful of apple rendering me speechless!
Martin: Oh, I was a cop, you think I haven't heard that one before?
He storms out of the kitchen, Frasier follows him.
Frasier: You are just angry because I heard you lying to Ronee. You really expect to win Ronee's heart by inventing fictitious girlfriends? "Sheila," indeed!
Martin: [floundering] It's none of your business, and... you weren't supposed to hear it!
Frasier: Well, I did hear it.
Martin: No, you overheard it. It's like an illegal wiretap - it's inadmissible!
Martin stalks to his room, Frasier follows him.
Frasier: Dad, you cannot build a relationship on lies!
Martin: Inadmissible!
Frasier: Dad!
Martin: IN-ADMISSIBLE!
Frasier: Fine!
There is the sound of two doors slamming, Martin's and then Frasier's. The powder room door opens - and Niles stiffly comes out, looking very embarrassed. He exits the apartment.
END OF ACT ONE
ACT TWO
Scene Four - Café Nervosa Daphne and Niles are seated together at a table.
Daphne: Why can't your father just go to the concert by himself?
Niles: Because Alfred Antin will be offended if we don't use his tickets, and then he won't paint our nursery. [pleading] Don't you want to be the one to go with him?
Daphne: Forget it, Niles. We flipped a coin, and you were the doo- wop-a-loser.
Martin enters.
Martin: Hey, Niles. Ready to bob-bob-she-bob?
Niles: [rises in horror] Oh, dear God. Is it a dance? Am I going to have to move about?
Martin: No, you don't have to, but you're going to want to.
Niles: [one last try] Daphne?
Daphne: I'm pregnant.
Niles: What does that have to do with it?
Daphne: It's my blanket excuse until the baby is born. After that, it'll be, "I can't leave the baby." Get used to it.
Martin starts to exit, as Ronee enters with a man. This is Richard. His hair is also white, but his greater height and lack of a cane are glaringly obvious - at least to Martin.
Ronee: Marty, hi.
Martin: Ronee, hey.
Ronee: Oh uh, this is Richard. [introducing] Martin, Daphne, Niles.
They all shake hands, ad-libbing hellos.
Richard: So how do you all know each other?
Martin: Well, uh...
Niles: Ronee was my baby-sitter. I was a little monster.
Richard: [to Martin] And you?
Martin: Um...
Roz enters. Martin grabs her.
Martin: Sheila! Where have you been? He embraces her, as she looks bewildered.
Martin: This is my date, Sheila. [to Roz] Got stuck at work, huh? [he says gently nodding his head]
Roz: Uh, yeah?
Martin: Sheila's a model. She does all those big auto and RV shows. [to Roz] Point to something.
Roz opens her hand and motions outward.
Ronee: Wow, impressive. Nice meeting you. [steers Richard to the counter] Let's get ours to go.
Richard: Oh, but I thought...
Ronee: Roll with the punches, Dick.
They turn to the counter. Roz sits with Martin.
Roz: What are you doing?
Martin: I'm trying to make her jealous. Just go with it.
Roz: But I'm meeting my own date here.
Niles: Dad, the concert starts in fifteen minutes, and Alfred Antin will be very angry if we're late.
Martin: Well, I can't leave unless Sheila comes with me.
Roz: Hello? Sheila has a date.
Niles: That's it. [plucks the tickets out of Martin's pocket; to Daphne] You and I are going.
Daphne: [groans] Oh, do we have to?
Niles: Yes. [gets her up]
Daphne: Do we really need clouds on the ceiling? Couldn't we just push the crib closer to the ceiling?
Niles: Why even use a crib? Let's put him in a pizza box!
They exit. Martin notices Ronee looking their way, and laughs loudly, as though "Sheila" just made a joke.
Roz: Stop it!
Martin: Oh, you - work with me here!
Roz: Okay, okay...
She leans in as he kisses her deeply - as her date, Larry, enters.
Larry: Roz?
Roz: [breaks apart] Larry, hi. This is my dad.
Martin shakes his hand and ad-libs a hello.
Larry: Hello. You brought your dad on our date?
Roz: Oh, of course not. He was just leaving, aren't you, Dad?
Martin: Yeah, but not until I finish my coffee.
Roz: [looks] You don't have any coffee.
Martin: Uh, get me one, would you, Larry?
Before Larry can do so, Frasier enters.
Frasier: Dad, what are you doing here? Hi, Roz. [sees Larry] Uh, hello.
Larry: Hi. [to Roz] Is your brother joining us too?
Roz: He's not my brother.
Martin: Oh now, that's no way to be. [she gives him a scalding glare] Still waiting on that coffee, Lar.
Larry turns to the counter. Frasier, who, after eleven years has lost his ability to be surprised at setups like this, wearily pulls out a chair.
Frasier: Okay, what the hell's going on?
Martin: Nothing.
Ronee and Richard get their coffee.
Ronee: Hi, Frasier.
Frasier: Oh, hi, Ronee.
Ronee: See you, Marty, Sheila.
Martin: Take care, bye.
Ronee and Richard exit.
Frasier: So you've been pressed into service as Sheila, hmm?
Roz: [feels her cheek] Pressed is right - he nearly bit my lip off.
Larry comes back with a cup for Martin.
Larry: Here you go, Mr. Doyle.
Martin: Ah, thanks.
Roz: Come on, Larry, we're leaving.
Larry: It was nice meeting you, Mr. Doyle. And you can owe me on that coffee - it was $3.75 and I flipped a quarter in the tip jar.
Roz: I'll be home early, Dad.
They leave, Roz grimacing as she now knows everything she needs to know before her date has begun.
Frasier: Dad, when are you going to stop playing games and tell her how you feel?
Martin: It's too soon. We've only been seeing each other a few weeks. I don't want to scare her off.
Frasier: How do you know you're going to scare her off?
Martin: Well, look at her, Fras. She's young, she's got all these guys after her. I'm lucky she even gave me a second glance. I don't want to blow it by looking like some desperate old guy with no options.
Frasier: It's not desperate to tell somebody how you feel about them.
Martin: What if she doesn't feel the same way?
Frasier: What if she does and you never find out?
Martin has no answer to that.
Frasier: Dad... just give her a call and tell her you want to talk to her.
Martin is silent... then lets out a quiet grunt.
Frasier: Was that a "leave me alone" grunt, or a "you've bested me again, son, with your unassailable logic" grunt?
Again, Martin is silent, and again lets out a little grunt.
Frasier: I thought so. He folds his arms with a self-satisfied look.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Scene Five - Apartment It's late at night, and Martin is watching TV. Frasier enters.
Frasier: Hey, Dad. What are you watching?
Martin: Sports wrap-up.
Frasier: Sports wrap-up? Oh, that sounds like fun.
Martin looks at him in surprise, as Frasier sits on the couch.
Frasier: [watching] Oof! [chuckles] Oh, gosh, that's not very sportsmanlike.
Martin: [realizing] I called her, okay? Not that it's any of your business.
Frasier: So?
Martin: [turns off the TV] I left a message. I'm glad she wasn't there, I don't know what I'll say if she calls back.
Frasier: Well, you did the right thing, Dad. I am proud of you.
Martin: I don't know. The whole thing's making me nervous. You know, I know why she's not calling me back. She just doesn't know how to tell me she's dropping me for Richard.
The doorbell rings. Frasier gets up to answer it.
Frasier: Well, who said anything about dropping you?
Martin: No one, apparently, or you would have overheard it.
Frasier makes a little "well, right" gesture, then opens the door to Ronee.
Frasier: Oh hi, Ronee.
Ronee: Hi, Frasier.
Martin rises in surprise.
Martin: Ronee, I didn't expect to see you tonight.
Ronee: Well, I got your message, and I was in the neighborhood. So, what's up?
Martin opens his mouth - and looks at Frasier.
Frasier: Oh, uh... I was just heading out.
Ronee: What, at this hour? I never thought you were such a night owl.
Frasier: Oh, yeah. Yeah, I love clubbin'.
Frasier grabs his car keys and exits.
Martin: I-I thought you'd just call.
Ronee: Well, you know, I was going to, but it sounded like maybe we needed to talk face-to-face.
Martin: Yeah.
Pause.
Ronee: Marty, is this about that woman I saw you with tonight?
Martin: Well... kind of.
Ronee: Yeah, I thought so.
Another pause - when we can see, though Martin cannot, that Ronee is afraid she's about to be dumped.
Ronee: Look, whatever it is, why don't you just come out and say it?
Martin: Yeah, all right. Well, um... I'm not the kind of guy who... hey, you want a beer?
Ronee: Oh boy, do I need one?
Martin: [heading to the kitchen] No, I think we could both use one.
He heads into the kitchen. The doorbell rings.
Martin: [from the kitchen] Oh, would you get that? Frasier probably forgot his key.
Ronee: Yeah, sure.
She opens the door to - Roz!
Ronee: Oh, Sheila. I kind of thought your date was over. Roz doesn't know she's not supposed to be acting anymore.
Roz: Well... maybe it is... [sultry] maybe it isn't.
Ronee: Gotcha. Uh, just tell Marty: message received.
Roz: [not getting it] Okay.
Ronee leaves. Martin comes back in with two beers.
Martin: Hey Roz, what are you doing here?
Roz: I found Frasier's money clip. [holds it up] Is he home?
Martin: No, uh-huh. [looks around] Where's Ronee?
Roz: Oh, don't worry. ["points" to the door] "Sheila" showed Ronee the door.
Martin: What?! [rushes to the door] What the hell did you do that for?!
Roz: [after him] Hey, I have no control over what Sheila does.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Scene Six - Parking Garage Frasier is walking toward his car in the garage, talking on his mobile.
Frasier: Oh good, Niles, you're back. How was the concert? Well, you're the one who wanted that cloud mural. I'm sure Pope Julius had to jump through similar hoops to get Michelangelo to paint his ceiling.
He stops when he sees Ronee's car, a red Cadillac coupe.
Frasier: Dear God, I think I've just realized where I must have dropped my money clip - Ronee's car. She gave me a ride in it the day I lost it. [looks closer] Well, that's irresponsible of her. She's left it open.
He opens the passenger door to look inside. A man approaches - the owner of the car parked next to Ronee's.
Man: Excuse me?
Frasier: Oh yes, of course.
Frasier gets into Ronee's car and closes the door to allow the other man into his car.
Frasier: There we are.
Man: Thank you.
As the man drives off, Frasier stays in Ronee's car, looking on the floor and continuing to talk into his phone.
Frasier: Anyway, I thought I'd swing by and take us both out for a nightcap. All right, great.
Not finding his clip, he climbs into the back seat.
Frasier: Oh, by the way, Niles, I spoke with Dad, and he has taken our advice about talking things over with Ronee. Mine and yours, that's what I mean by "our!" Oh, take some responsibility for once in your life, man!
Outside, Ronee is stalking to her car, as Martin runs after her. Hearing them coming, Frasier panics, trapped again.
Ronee: You could have at least warned me that Sheila was on her way up!
Martin: Ronee, it's all a misunderstanding-
Ronee: Marty, I really don't want to hear it!
Martin: Well, you're going to hear it, because I'm not leaving!
She ignores him and opens her door.
Martin: Fine, just get in the car if you want to. [opens the passenger door and gets in beside her] We're just going to sit right here until you hear it all.
As they get in and shut the doors, Frasier has no choice but to huddle on the floor.
Ronee: Okay, go ahead. But you better make it good, because I have a finely tuned crap-ometer.
Martin: There is no Sheila. Her name's Roz. She's Frasier's secretary. I just pretended we were together.
Ronee: Forget it, Marty.
Martin: No, I know how this sounds, but it's true.
Ronee: Why would you do that?
Martin: Because I had gotten these concert tickets to impress you, and then when you said you had a date, I got... well, I got jealous so I said I was getting a date too, and then there you were in Nervosa, and when Roz came in, I made her Sheila. [pause] Do you believe me?
Ronee: You know, it's actually a little hot.
In the back, Frasier is shocked.
Martin: [grinning] Really? [then] Look, Ronee, uh, maybe I'm old- fashioned, but I know when something feels right. I don't want to see anybody else. I want to be exclusive, go steady, whatever they call it now. Well, that's my story. What about you?
Ronee: [sighs] Well... God, it's freezing in here! I had a blanket.
Frasier's eyes widen in horror again. As she reaches blindly into the backseat, he hurriedly gropes around for the blanket, and passes it into her hand.
[N.B. See [2.17], "Daphne's Room" for a similar predicament.]
Ronee wraps herself in the blanket.
Ronee: Okay. Since we're being honest, well, I-I've done my share of dating, and I haven't always made the best choices. I've dated the bad guys, the guys who can't commit, the guys who won't grow up, the creeps with the nice suit, the pathological liars...
Martin: Okay, I got it.
Ronee: Anyway, and then I started dating this really good guy - you.
He beams at her.
Ronee: And I guess I-I just wanted to keep my options open with Richard because I wasn't sure how you felt about me. But now I am.
They lean into each other and kiss. Frasier dares to stick his head up, but they do not notice him.
Ronee: Now would be the time to put your class ring on a chain around my neck.
Martin: [playfully] Well, I got one upstairs. Want to come get it?
They get out of the car. Frasier sighs in relief and sits up in the backseat, starting to work out how to get out...
Ronee: Wait, wait...
Frasier freezes as Martin and Ronee talk to each other over the hood of the car.
Ronee: I've got a better idea. I know this secluded beach that's miles away from anything. You want to go there and steam up the windows?
Martin: Oh, yeah.
Frasier has no choice but to duck down again. As they get back in and Ronee starts the car, he buries his face as deep as possible.
END OF ACT TWO
[SCENE_BREAK]
Roz and her date are in Nervosa. As they are finishing and get the check, he pulls out a calculator and starts to split the bill. Roz makes up an excuse to leave the table, and she begins to sneak out. As she approaches the door, she looks back on him, still puzzling over how to split the bill. She waves her hand at him dismissively and exits. | Plan: A: Martin's relationship; Q: What is going well between Martin and Ronee? A: Frasier; Q: Who overhears Ronee's phone call? A: the morning; Q: When does Frasier dislike being woken up by Ronee's music? A: Ronee's musical stylings; Q: What wakes Frasier up in the morning? A: another man; Q: Who did Ronee arrange a date with? A: eavesdropping; Q: What does Martin chastise Frasier for doing? A: plans; Q: What does Ronee say she has made to go to a doo-wop concert? A: the truth; Q: What does Martin elicit from Ronee when he asks her to go to a doo-wop concert? A: their relationship; Q: What does Ronee tell Martin she didn't think was exclusive? A: another woman; Q: What does Martin pretend to have? A: Roz; Q: Who plays Sheila? Summary: Martin's relationship with Ronee seems to be going well, although Frasier does not appreciate being woken up in the morning by Ronee's musical stylings. Then, quite accidentally, Frasier overhears Ronee arranging a date with another man in a phone call. He is at first not sure whether to tell Martin or not, but in the end is unable to stop himself. Martin's reaction is to chastise him for eavesdropping , despite his protestations that it was accidental. Later, when Martin asks Ronee to go with him to a doo-wop concert and she claims to have made plans, he elicits the truth from her, and she tells him she was not under the impression their relationship was exclusive. This leads Martin to pretend he also has another woman, called Sheila (a role that Roz finds herself cast in before long). Frasier overhears this conversation too, and suddenly finds this happening to him rather frequently. |
[Brian sneakes his way past "sleeping" Justin. Justin hastily dresses and, in a noirishly shot scene, follows his elusive quarry through a dark and foggy alley to his covert destination. Brian is going to the friggin' gym. Justin finds him pedaling away in the empty spinning room.]
Justin: Nice night for a ride!
Brian: The f*ck you doing here?
Justin: Following you to see where you've been going for the last three weeks.
Brian: Now you know! Now you can go back home and go to bed.
Justin: Do you know what time it is?
Brian: Little hand's on the two, the big hand's on the three - quarter after two?
Justin: Why are you doing this?
Brian: Gotta get in shape.
Justin: For what?
Brian: The Liberty Ride.
Justin: You're not still thinking of going.
Brian: Because you and the rest of them disqualified me, doesn't mean that I did.
Justin: We're just concerned.
Brian: There are so many poor starving children who go to bed hungry every night. Be concerned about them.
Justin: So why the secrecy?
Brian: Because I don't want people like you saying, "You can't! You musn't!" I don't want every cunty faggot who goes to the gym saying, (in falsetto) "Poor Kinney! Told ya so!"
Justin: I have to hand it to you. Your perseverance is surpassed only by your narcissism.
Brian: There you have it. The secret to my success. Unless I'm proven wrong by the naysayers and I fail dismally.
Justin: Oh, you're not gonna fail, dismally or otherwise. You're gonna be a big, fat f*cking success as always. We're gonna go on the ride together and at night, we'll pitch a tent and we'll have hot, passionate s*x under the stars.
Brian: What the f*ck are you doing?
Justin: I've heard that when achieving your goal, it's best to visualize it.
[Brian leans in for a kiss. As Justin climbs up on the handlebars, it seems very likely that Bicycle!s*x is in the offing.]
[Michael, Ben, Hunter and Ted with the cycling instructor.]
Instructor: C'mon, give all what you've got. Three, Two, One and set. Cool down.
Ben: I'd say we're in great shape for the ride, wouldn't you?
Michael: Provided my ass holds out.
Ben: I've never known it to fail.
Michael: You've never ridden it for 350 miles.
Hunter: Maybe you can get an extended warranty since it's no longer new.
Michael: A deep-fat-fried victory dinner says you'll be seeing it cross the finish line ahead of yours.
Ben: This is a race. Anyone who rides is a winner.
[Meanwhile, Ted overhears a couple of guys in the spin class.]
Guy #1: A friend of mine went on a ride last year. He said at night the showers get really steamy. And he wasn't talking about the water.
Guy #2: Bringing anything with you that starts with a C?
Guy #1: You mean my vitamins? You know me! Never leave home without them!
[In the next scene, the frumpy GLC couple pay a visit to Melanie. Melanie seems glad to see them.]
Tannis: We're giving the riders a big send-off before they leave. I've prepared a speech expressing the Center's gratitude.
Philip: A banner, a band, drag queen cheerleaders!
Mel: Sounds great! I wish I could be there.
Philip: Us too. Considering all the work you've done.
Mel: I'm not supposed to leave my goddamn bed. Doctor's orders.
Tannis: If it were me I'd be going stir-crazy.
Philip: Not me! I'd fluff up my pillows, eat bon-bons and watch Oprah!
[Enter Lindsay.]
Lindsay: Hey! Can I get anyone a drink?
Tannis: Thanks, Lindz. We were just leaving.
Philip: Now remember what the doctor said. And stay put! (To Lindz) Bye.
[Mel picks up some mail from the bed.]
Lindsay: I think I'll take Gus to the park. He could use some fresh air and so could I.
Mel: I know the feeling.
Lindsay: Will you be alright?
Mel: Fine, thank you. Before you go, could you bring me some tea and maybe some peach yogurt and a couple of cookies? And go upstairs and get me my maroon cardigan? I'm a little chilly.
Lindsay: (looking pissed) Anything else?
Mel: Another blanket and a firmer pillow and as long as you're out I need another roll of stamps, as well as these things from the pharmacy.
[She's looking at a angry Lindsay.]
Mel: I'm not allowed to move. What the hell else am I supposed to do?
Lindsay: You might trying saying please and stop treating me like the hired help. Which might not actually be so bad. At least I'd get paid!
Mel: Sorry. But it's your child, too!
Lindsay: That still doesn't give you the right to order me around!
Mel: I wasn't ordering you! You have a hell of a nerve talking to me about rights. You had no right -
Lindsay: Okay! Okay. I'll do anything you want. But let's stop this right now!
[Next up: a speakerphone conversation between Brett Keller and Michael and Justin. Michael and Justin are in the comic store.]
Brett: Well, before they give us the green light, they want to see what they're buying and how much it'll cost them, which'll be plenty by the time I'm through. So I'd like one of you to be here to help me convince them why we have to be true to the original vision.
Michael: Sure, Brett. Which one of us do you want?
Brett: Probably Justin. No offense, Mike. The studio execs understand pictures more than words.
Michael: Whatever's good for the project.
Brett: Justin?
Justin: When would it happen?
Brett: This Thursday.
Justin: (quietly, to Michael) What about the Liberty Ride?
Brett: I can't hear you. You're breaking up.
Michael: Nothing, Brett. He'll be there.
Brett: Great. I'll have my assistant send you an E-ticket and you can stay in my guest house. That's my other line. Gotta go.
Michael: Can you believe it? You're going to LA!
Justin: But I made a commitment. I have sponsors. I raised money.
Michael: If the movie gets made, you can give 'em a million bucks! (Horvath comes in) Hey, Carl. Looking for some superheroes to help you fight crime?
Carl: Actually, I'm looking for you. Will you excuse us, Justin?
Justin: Yeah, sure. See ya.
[Justin leaves.]
Michael: Buy some sunblock. Mind if I eat my lunch while you interrogate me?
Carl: Be my guest.
Michael: You want some?
Carl: (declines) Thanks. My stomach's been acting a little funny.
Michael: Something wrong?
Carl: It's your mother.
Michael: I realize she can be a little spicy, but I've never known her to cause indigestion.
Carl: As you know, we've been seeing each other a lot lately.
Michael: I know. I think it's great.
Carl: But it can't go on this way.
Michael: Suddenly, I'm not feeling so good myself.
Carl: No, it's nothing like that. What I'm trying to say is, I need someone in my life who'll make me laugh, who'll make me feel good.
Michael: I'm already taken, Carl.
Carl: That's why I want to marry your mother. As soon as you say "You may," I want her to say, "I do."
Michael: That's a big request. Normally I ask for personal references and W-2 forms for the last three years and an arrest report, but in your case I only have one question. Do you promise you'll be good to her?
Carl: I give you my word.
Michael: Then the answer is, "You may."
[Cut to Lindz and Brian at Gus's day care center.]
Lindsay: I'm like her emotional punching bag. She pounds away at me all day and I just stand there and take it!
Brian: That doesn't sound like old Killer Muldoon to me!
[He gives her a playful biff to the chops.]
Lindsay: I have no choice. Her doctor says she has to stay in bed. No stress.
Brian: So now you have to serve in silence like that muncher in the military, Greta Camembert.
Lindsay: Margaret Cammermeyer. And I don't know how much longer I can put up with it!
Brian: Well, then don't.
Lindsay: But it's my fault. I'm the one to blame.
Brian: So therefore you're beating yourself up. Or rather, letting Melanie do it for you.
Lindsay: Old fashioned as it may seem, I still believe in loyalty over betrayal. Self-control over self-indulgence. Even if I fail to live up to my own expectation.
Brian: Tell her that.
Lindsay: She refuses to listen. She thinks that because I f*cked Sam, I'm no longer a lesbian.
Brian: Well, you know what a stickler for detail she is!
Lindsay: Brian, please!
Brian: What do you want me to say? If it's over, get the hell out.
Lindsay: It's not that simple. What about Gus? And the one on the way?
Brian: Staying together for the sake of the children is a f*cking poor excuse. I gladly offer myself as Exhibit A.
[Gus comes running up.]
Brian: Hey, Sonnyboy. C'mere.
[He lifts Gus up onto his lap.]
[Cut to Deb and Horvath. She's packing for Toronto. He's trying to propose.]
Debbie: Undies, sweaters - could you hold these for me for a minute? Thanks.
[She thrusts a pile of clothes into his arms.]
Carl: Debbie, I -
Debbie: Carl, you don't have to say it. I know we were supposed to be going to St. Pete's for a few days, but hell, the ride is for the hospice. How could I not do my bit and volunteer?
Carl: You got a big heart. That's why I love you.
Debbie: Besides, it'll still be there. We'll go on our honeymoon.
Carl: What?
Debbie: Ha! I'm joking. Honeymoon? Us? So you, uh, you wanted to tell me something. Go ahead. I'm all ears.
Carl: Debbie, honey -
[The doorbell rings.]
Debbie: f*ck! I need earmuffs. It's supposed to be colder than a witch's tit in Canada. So go ahead honey. What is it you wanted to say?
Carl: Be sure to bundle up.
[They hug. The doorbell rings again. Emmett runs out of his room to answer.]
Emmett: Keep packing, Deb. Or whatever it is you're doing there. I'll get it.
[It's Ted.]
Emmett: Teddy!
Ted: Hey, Em. I have something for you.
Emmett: So where is he?
Ted: Sorry, nothing like that. It's just this. The $5,000 I owe you for covering for me that time I 'borrowed' from Gus's college fund.
Emmett: Thank you, Teddy.
Ted: I'm sure you can use it.
Emmett: Not only for that. I mean for keeping your word, for following through. You've come a long way.
Ted: I guess I have.
Emmett: And now you're about to go even further, huh? This time on a bike?
Ted: Uh, actually, I've changed my mind. I'm not going.
Emmett: What?
Ted: Yeah, I'm up to my garbanzos in work. I can't leave Brian with everything and I just got these new plants and they're at that critical phase where if you don't watch 'em, they could go into shock.
Emmett: I'm the one who's in shock. You've been training for weeks.
Ted: It's only a bike ride. Besides, I've got my meetings, my groups, and -
Emmett: Can't you skip 'em for a few days?
Ted: No, they're what's got me through these past few months. I mean, they've been my support system. On the ride, I'd be on my own. Say there's a trigger. That I see guys doing drugs, that I'm tempted - where can I go? Who can I call? I can't take a chance of that happening, of being that person again.
[He leaves.]
[At the Novotny-Bruckner apartment, Hunter watches Ben tune up his bike.]
Ben: Gears lubed up, seat nice and tight.
Hunter: I'm gonna ride it, not f*ck it.
[Mikey comes home with bags of groceries.]
Michael: Wow! That is one cool bike!
Ben: Yep! Thought he needed a new one for the Liberty Ride.
Hunter: Can I take it out for a spin? Please, Dad, please?
Ben: Sure, son!
Michael: Just don't be late for dinner! I'm making your favorite, blueberry crumble.
[Exit Hunter.]
Ben: So. How were things at work, dear?
Michael: Let's see. (They kiss). I finished the latest adventure of Rage, made $600 bucks in sales on the website. Oh, and Carl Horvath wants to marry my mother.
Ben: What?
Michael: He actually asked me for her hand.
Ben: So give it to him?
Michael: Every last digit. After all, that's what two people do when they love each other, right? Get married?
[Ben smiles quizzically.]
[Brian comes home to find that Justin has pitched a tent on the bed.]
Brian: What the f*ck's all this?
Justin: Just making sure we have everything we need for the ride. (He reads from a checklist). Tent, sleeping bags, first aid kit, tool kit, rain gear, two sets of warm clothes, one dildo -
Brian: You certainly thought of everything, but why do you need a tent if you're gonna be staying in a mansion?
Justin: Hm?
Brian: Michael told me you're winging to the coast tomorrow to huddle with studio heads.
Justin: I never said I was going.
Brian: He seems to think that you are.
Justin: Well, I'm not. We're going on the ride together, as planned.
Brian: Unfortunately, there's been a slight change of plans. I'm not going.
Justin: Why the f*ck not?
Brian: Because you're right. I'm not in good enough shape.
Justin: I saw you cycling.
Brian: Yeah, and after 30 miles, I was winded. On the ride, we're gonna have to do 80 to 100 miles a day. Maybe more. There's no way I could make it.
Justin: That is bullshit. You're just saying that to get me to go to Hollywood.
[Brian shrugs.]
Brian: Go on the ride without me. Sacrifice your future. That's what I call charity.
[He gets in the shower.]
[Michael stops by to give Melanie and Lindsay all possible cellphone numbers in case the accursed event happens while he's on the accursed ride.]
Michael: Here is my cell phone number. And here's Ben's cell phone number. Here is Hunter's cell phone number. And here's the number for our hotel in Toronto.
Mel: I'll be too busy calling you to give birth.
Michael: Maybe I shouldn't go.
Lindsay: Michael! The baby's not due for weeks.
Michael: In case something happens.
Mel: Nothing's going to happen, believe me. I'll be screaming from boredom long before I'll be screaming from labor.
Lindsay: Go! And have a good time! It'll be an amazing adventure.
Mel: I just wish I could be there to see you guys off.
Michael: You stay right here. Remember, if you need to get ahold of me -
Lindsay: We know, Michael, we know.
[They kiss him goodbye and send him on his way.]
Mel: Would you get the f*ck out of here?
Lindsay: We love you.
Mel: We love you.
Michael: He's a lucky kid, coming into such a warm and loving home.
[Exit Michael.]
[At the diner, Deb is taking inventory of sandwiches for the ride.]
Debbie: - fifty roast beef -
Emmett: Roast beef's Teddy's favorite. Better make that 49.
Debbie: It's a damn shame he decided not to go. It'd be good for him. Give him a victory, some self-esteem.
Emmett: He's too afraid to leave his meetings and groups, you know, that without his support system he'll slip. He's as addicted to them as he was to the crystal meth.
Debbie: Well, at least it's a healthy addiction. Too bad he can't take his support system with him.
[Carl comes in the diner and Deb goes all teenager on him.]
Debbie: (squealing) Carl! Honey, hi! Can I interest you in a box lunch? It's for the bus trip to Toronto, but I got an extra!
Carl: Thanks - I already ate.
Debbie: You wanna lend a hand? Em! Give Carl some fruit. Show him how it's done.
Emmett: You take an apple or an orange. You drop it into the box. Comme ca. Then you move onto the next. Got it?
Carl: Thanks for the training. Deb, could you stop for a second, honey?
Debbie: Carl, I'm up to my ass in hard-boiled eggs, you mind if we talk later?
Carl: Sure, no hurry. We'll talk when you get back.
[He kisses her and leaves.]
Debbie: Bye, honeeee!
[Ted is talking to his pussy.]
Ted: Lupe! Lupeeee...
[Emmett knocks on the door.]
Ted: Come in! Lupe... C'mon, hon...
Emmett: Who are you talking to?
Ted: Lupe.
Emmett: Your cleaning lady's never gonna come out if you talk to her like that.
Ted: Lupe's my cat.
Emmett: You got a cat?
Ted: Yeah, I thought it'd be nice to have something warm and purring to come home to.
Emmett: Ain't that the truth.
Ted: The minute I brought her in, she ran straight for the bedroom.
Emmett: A feline after my own heart.
Ted: And how she's hiding in the closet.
Emmett: She'll come out in her own time, just like the rest of us. Meanwhile, come concentrate on my crass consumerism!
[Emmett skips into the living room.]
Emmett: Spandex, as far as the eye can see! In every color of the rainbow. A different ensemble for every day of the Liberty Ride.
Ted: It's very thoughtful of you, Em, not to mention extravagant. But I already told you I'm not going.
Emmett: Who said it's for you?
Ted: Who else?
Emmett: Me! I decided to go!
Ted: I thought you said you were too busy working!
Emmett: The Bushes will have to plan their next state dinner without me.
Ted: That you didn't have the money for the registration fee.
Emmett: A very good friend just paid me back.
Ted: That you were afraid of being eaten by a bear.
Emmett: At least the kind that live in the wilds of Canada. But I'm willing to confront my darkest fears for a worthy case, such as helping a friend. Being his support system. Seeing him through every crisis, great or small.
Ted: You'd really do that for me?
Emmett: I believe in you, Teddy, despite everything. I want you to succeed. I think I'll save the tangerine for the finish line.
[It's the big Liberty Ride send-off. GLC woman, Tannis, makes her speech. GLC Philip stand by hger side.]
Tannis: The Center wish each and every of you all luck and thanks for the benefit for the Liberty House Hospice.
Philip: We wish you all a great journey up to Toronto. And a safe ride back to Pittsburgh. It'll be the adventure of the life-time!
[All cheers. Deb hands out box lunches...]
Deb: There you go, honey. That's salami. I'm so proud of you for doin' this. Have a good time.
[The Novotny-Bruckner unload their bikes.]
Ben: All set. We're get onboard.
Hunter: I'll get the last row of seats. The guys there give a great blowjob.
Michael: Ah, the good old days of junior high.
[Brian shows up.]
Brian: Well, if it isn't Papa Bear and Momma Bear and Baby Bear!
Michael: Brian!
Brian: Just thought I'd stop by to remind you to wear your helmets, stay on the right and be sure to use your hand gestures.
Michael: Thanks for all the motherly advice, but my mother's going with me. I'm sorry you're not.
Mel: Have a great trip, you guys!
Brian: Mel! What a surprise! I heard you'd been spending most of your time in bed.
Mel: Living the life of Brian?
Michael: What are you doing here? You know you're not supposed - are you out of your -
Mel: No I'm not out of my. I just came down to see you off. So stop worrying. I'm fine.
Michael: Just don't let my mom see you! You know how hysterical she gets.
Mel: Your mom! Right!
[Emmett is looking for Ted. Will Ted make the ride? Deb gives Emmett a box lunch.]
Debbie: We have just enough lunches. I guess he's not coming.
Emmett: I thought I convinced him to change his mind.
Debbie: Michael! Get your asses on board, you guys, c'mon! Save me a seat.
[Michael, Ben and Hunter get on the bus. Still no sign of Ted. Emmett gets on the bus. Then Horvath comes chugging up.]
Carl: Debbie!
Debbie: Carl! Sweetie, you came down here? I told you you didn't have to do that!
Carl: Yes, I did. I couldn't leave without telling you -
[Mikey sticks his head out.]
Michael: Ma, would you get on the bus?
Debbie: I gotta go. I'll call you when I get there.
[She kisses him and gets on the bus. The doors close.]
Carl: Debbie, wait just a goddamn minute! I've been trying to ask you for the last two days - will you marry me?
[The doors open.]
Debbie: What?
Carl: I said marry me!
[She gawks at him.]
Carl: Will you marry me?
[Ben and Mikey stick their heads out the window.]
Michael: Tell him yes and get on the bus!
Debbie: Yes!
[He gives her the ring.]
Debbie: f*ck!
[He gives her a big ole kiss. Deb says bye. The bus applauds. A cab pulls up with Ted in it. The bus are leaving]
Ted: sh1t! Hey! HEY!
[Emmett see's him.]
Emmett: Stop the bus. Stop the f*cking bus!
[The bus stops appruptly.]
Ted: I made it!
Emmett: Knew you would.
[Mel comes home to a furious Lindsay.]
Lindsay: Where the f*ck have you been? I come home, you're not here. I look everywhere, frantic. I was about to call the hospital, the police, the morgue - ! I thought something terrible had happened.
Mel: Will you calm down?
Lindsay: No, I will not calm down. You scared the sh1t out of me.
Mel: Sorry.
Lindsay: I can tell!
Mel: I went to the Liberty Ride send-off.
Lindsay: Why did you do that? After everyone told you? To spite me?
Mel: That's right, honey. Make it all about you, as usual. You're the one who has a right to be angry, to be indignant, to feel betrayed. Well, guess what, my shiksa goddess!
Lindsay: Don't call me that!
Mel: This time it isn't about you. It's about me. I went out because if I stayed in this house another minute with you, I'd go out of my f*cking MIND! So I left out for ten minutes. Okay, half hour tops. Went over to Liberty Avenue, said my goodbyes and drove back. And look - here I am. Miracle of miracles, alive and still in one piece.
Lindsay: We can't go on doing the all-female version of Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf? It's just too exhausting. You can't forgive me no matter how much I apologize and try to make it up to you and I'm starting not to care. After all, how many times can someone reject you before you just give up?
Mel: So what are you saying?
Lindsay: That perhaps it's best for both of us and for Gus and the baby if we aren't together. That we stop putting each other through needless hell, trying to repair something which obviously can't be fixed.
Mel: I think you're right.
Lindsay: I'll stay until after the baby's born.
[On the bus. Deb's showing off her ring to anyone who'll look.]
Debbie: [to Hunter. Showing her hands with the ring] How those lemon bars? Aren't they to die for?
Michael: Ma, would you sit down and stop showing off?
Debbie: I'm allowed! How many times in your life do you get an engagement ring?
Guy: Elizabeth Taylor, eight times. Twice from Richard Burton. Jennifer Lopez three, Julia Roberts four.
Debbie: Thank you! You know what I mean! When a man gives you a ring it's special! It's meaningful.
Michael: Well, I wouldn't know.
Ben: Maybe it's time you found out.
Michael: Found out what?
Ben: Michael Novotny, you are the man I've been looking for all my life. I am so very blessed to have found you. Which is why I'm asking you to do me the honor of accepting my hand in marriage.
[Ben pulls out a box with a ring. Mikey looks at him like he done lost his mind.]
Ben: We're going to Toronto! Gay marriage is not only accepted, it's legal. And like you said, that's what two people do when they love each other, right?
Michael: I don't know what to say!
Ben: "Yes" would be good.
[At It's party time at Keller's house and "Happy Birthday" written in cocaine on the glass table. Everybody's drinking toasts and doing toots.]
Brett: Hey! Justin!
[He hugs him.]
Brett: I could give you a line the party's to welcome you to LA, but it's a birthday bash for my friend Malcolm. He just won an Oscar for scoring his first film.
Justin: Your house is amazing.
[Justin hasn't looked this impressed]
Brett: Yeah, I call it the house that V Men built. Soon you'll have a house that Rage built. Joseph, Mr. Taylor will be staying with us for a few days. Would you take his bag to the guest house? (He takes Justin by the arm, leads him back to the party) I have a butler, just like Bruce Wayne! Let's get you a drink. Meeting's all set for Thursday at the studio. We'll go by my office tomorrow and I'll show you some of the storyboards we've come up with.
[They clink glasses. A guy calls down from the balcony.]
Guy: Brettski!
Brett: Hey, Conor. I thoughed you couldn't make it. This is Justin Taylor. He created Rage.
Conor: Let me tell you. Brett's obsessed with your comic.
Brett: Justin, this is Conor James. He calls himself an actor.
Conor: A few others do, too.
Justin: Including me. I think you're great.
Conor: Thanks!
Brett: What would you think of Con for Rage?
Justin: He'd - I mean you would be wonderful.
Conor: Get me a script when you have it.
[He walks off.]
Justin: Is he - ?
Brett: Of course not! Conor's as straight as they come. He's out bangin' bitches every night.
[They look down the balcony into the living room where Conor's sucking face with a guy.]
[SCENE_BREAK]
[The Big Yellow School Bus makes it to Toronto and the gang check out Church Street.]
Ben: There is the sky tower!
Debbie: And there is the dome!
Ted: The Church Street. According to the Danron Guide it's the center of gay life in Toronto, from its colorful neighborhood bar, Moosie's, to its thumpa-thumpa dance club Gomorrha.
Emmett: Let's go to Gomorrha. Sounds hot!
Debbie: It's probably the only place in Toronto that is. I've frigging freezing!
Michael: You're probably going to think I'm crazy, but you know what this street reminds me of?
Debbie: Liberty Avenue!
Emmett: All those men, queens and drag queens.
Ben: Pretty the same, there you go.
Ted: Hey, here is Moosie's!
Debbie: Good, get here and get warm.
Hunter: Drinks are on me!
Ben: Wait.
Michael: You have a can to dry.
Ben: Beside how old are you?
Hunter: I say that I used to say, "How old you would like me to be?"
[Inside Moosie's looks exactly like Woody's.]
Debbie: I don't know about you, but I'm havin' a gay-ja vu!
Ted: You too?
Ben: Make it three!
Michael: It really reminds me of...
All: Woody's!
Michael: The strangest thing of all is I keep expecting Brian to walk in.
[And guess what? Brian does walk in!]
Brian: Molson's?
Debbie: Brian!
Brian: Calm down, keep your pants on! (Checking out guy) Or not!
Michael: How did you get here?
Brian: Mikey, did no one ever tell you? In 1903, at Kitty Hawk, North Carolina, the Wright Brothers invented this thing called -
Ted: Flight!
Debbie: What are you doing here?
Brian: The Liberty Ride begins here, am I correct?
Ben: So you came to cheer us on?
Brian: Exactly, Professor. I cashed in 25,000 frequent flyer miles so I could come here and be your cheerleader. I'm going on the ride. I'm busting it up for charity same as you.
Emmett: That sounds so familiar. This is Jaune-Claude, he's french.
Jaune-Claude: Bonsvar.
Emmett: He's very kind to offer how Canadian's keep warming up. [he see's Ted's pissed face] But I said, sorry, Jeane-Claude but as much as I loved to I'm apparently here with Ted. So show somebody else how you stick together. Aurevior.
[There's a male stripper onstage.]
Michael: [to the bartender] What's goin' on?
Bartender: Oh it's Pit, he's 32 years of gay marriage.
[Two old guys who look like they came out of Brian's nightmare at the beginning of 408 are getting married after being together for 32 years. Mikey stands around looking sulky. Brian goes to him. He kisses him on his back.]
Michael: I'm glad you decided to come, but I don't know how the hell you're gonna be able to make it.
Brian: Oh, I might just surprise you.
Michael: Thanks, but I've had enough surprises. Ben proposed.
Brian: Proposed what?
Michael: Marriage. It's legal for us to get married up here in Toronto.
Brian: I believe I read that somewhere. Well, I hope that while he was down on his knees, he did something useful!
Michael: It was beautiful and heartfelt.
Brian: I'm sure. But you declined, of course, because deep down, you still love me best.
Michael: I didn't give him an answer yet.
Brian: What's stopping you? Besides the fact that it's the most pathetic idea I've ever heard!
Michael: It just so happens that a lot of gay men want to get married.
Brian: Darling, have you seen them? And since when did you ever have the least interest in getting married?
Michael: I didn't! But not because I didn't want to. But because I never thought I could. It wasn't a story I told myself like straight kids did, you know, that someday I'd meet that special person and we'd fall in love and have a big wedding. It was never real for me! Then all this stuff started happening in Massachusetts and California and here -
Brian: And suddenly a whole wide world of wonderful opportunity just opened up. Flowers and rice and registering at Pottery Barn. Not to mention an acrimonious divorce and an ugly settlement and having your kid hate you. Listen to me. Are you listening?
Michael: I'm listening!
Brian: We're queer. We don't need marriage. We don't need the sanction of dickless politicians and pederast priests. We f*ck who we want to, when we want to. That is our God-given right.
Michael: But it's also our God-given right to have everything that straight people have. Because we're every bit as much human as they are!
Brian: You're a writer! Rewrite the story.
[Michael goes to Ben. They've looking at the old pair]
Ben: This is touching, don't you think?
Michael: I do. - I do. Ben, you heard what I said?
Ben: Yeah, I heard you, you just said -
[They kiss.]
[Justin and Brett Keller take a meeting at the office of Fenderman, the studio exec.]
Brett: I'm gonna need Stage 7 for Rage's lair and the entire back lot to build Gayopolis.
Fenderman: There are a few other pictures we'd like to shoot here.
Brett: This is the only one that I'm directing.
Fenderman: Ha-ha! Ya punk! You sound like I've already given you the green light.
Brett: So? What's stopping you?
Fenderman: The price tag, for starters! This little epic of yours is gonna cost me a f*cking fortune!
Brett: You can afford it. My last picture made you $250 million!
Fenderman: This one's different. A gay superhero?
Brett: The world's ready for it!
Fenderman: Maybe your world, but not Topeka.
Brett: If it's good, if it's got a big enough star, if you hype the sh1t out of it, they'll go. Right? Guys?
[Silence from the other two at the meeting.]
Fenderman: Looks pretty grim and depressing to me. Who wants to see a kid get his head bashed in? What about all the s*x, blowjobs, butt-fucking on every page?
Brett: It's something the audience has never seen before!
Fenderman: What makes you think they want to see it now? The concession stand's gonna have a hell of a time selling Hershey bars! Look. You wanna go with a gay thing, you're gonna cut back on the ass business. And it's gotta be cheerier. And why does your hero have to be so f*cking arrogant?
Justin: Excuse me, Mr. Fenderman, but our comic book was conceived that way for a reason. Because a lot of the sh1t that gay people go through is grim. I ought to know. I'm a kid who got his head bashed in. As far as the ass business, getting your butt f*cked is one of the great pleasures and privileges of being gay. If you haven't experienced it yourself, I recommend it. As far as Rage is concerned, just because he has no apologies for who he is and no regrets about his life doesn't make him arrogant. It makes him honest. And brave. So despite your concerns, we prefer to be true to our original vision. Rage wouldn't expect anything less.
[Ben and Mikey's Wedding.]
Minister: We are here to joining the ceremony Mr.Michael Novotny and Mr.Benjamin Bruckner.
[Ted, Emmett and Deb are crying.]
Debbie: Christ, these tissues were mines. [she give them to Emmett and Ted.]
Minister: Dear Michael, promised to love, respect and cherished Ben and be his true and faithful husband?
Michael: I do.
Minister: And dear Ben, promised to love, respect and cherished Michael and be his true and faithful husband?
[a short break.]
Hunter: Say do, dude!
[all laughs]
Ben: I do.
Minister: If anyone knows one reason why these two people should not be joint in marriage speak now or for ever hold your piece.
[Cut to Brian. He opens his mouth.]
Debbie: If you say one word, you can hold more than one of your piece.
[he shouts his mouth.]
Minister: The rings, please.
[Hunter give it to them. They share the rings.]
Minister: Now by the propriance of the territory I pronounce you to be legally married.
[They kiss each other. All applauds.]
Debbie: I'm not losing a son. I'm gaining a - son!
Michael: You're next, Ma!
[Ted's still sniffling.]
Emmett: God, you barely shed a tear at Mel and Lindz's ceremony.
Ted: Well, they're dykes, for chrissakes. Shake hands and go bowling! How much can you get choked up? Anyway, it's not just
for Michael and Ben. If things had been different, maybe -
Emmett: No point in beating yourself up, Teddy. We're still friends, aren't we? Which means we'll be together a lot longer than most marriages!
[Now it's time for the Liberty Ride kick-off. Deb mother-hens everybody, as usual.]
Debbie: You boys stick together, alright? And look out for each other.
Michael: We will, ma.
Debbie: sh1t, I just called you boys. You're married men now. Go on, before I start bawling.
[Brian rides up on his bike.]
Brian: Did someone mention bawling?
Debbie: Take it easy, you hear me? And don't act like some f*ckin' superhero.
Brian: Yes, mother.
[He kisses her on the cheek.]
Debbie: OK. I'll be on the food wagon, keeping an eye out for all of you!
Speaker: Riders, are you ready? Liberty Ride starts right now!
[Liberty Ride 2004 officially begins. There's a sign on back of Ben and Mikey's bikes that says "Just married." ] | Plan: A: Emmett; Q: Who decides to join Ted in the Liberty Ride? A: Ted; Q: Who has decided not to participate in the Liberty Ride? A: Justin; Q: Who is invited to Hollywood to help pitch Rage to the studios? A: Lindsay; Q: Who goes to Brian for advice about Mel? A: The Liberty Ride; Q: What ride leaves for Toronto? Summary: When Emmett discovers Ted has decided not to participate in the Liberty Ride because he has no support system, Emmett signs up. Justin is invited to Hollywood to help pitch Rage to the studios. Lindsay goes to Brian for advice about Mel. The Liberty Ride leaves for Toronto. |
•I do not own the characters or situations of BTVS, and I claim no credit for the content of this episode. I have merely transcribed what appeared on my screen, with help from the closed captions. •I prefer that you link to this transcript on the Psyche site rather than post it on your site, but you can post it on your site if you want, as long as you keep my name and email address on it. Please also keep my disclaimers intact. •You can use my transcripts in your fanfiction stories; you don't have to ask my permission. (However, if you use large portions of episode dialogue in your fanfic, I recommend you give credit to the person who wrote the episode.) •I apologize in advance for my lame transcription of the fight scenes. I don't know the names of different punches and kicks. Use your imagination.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Teaser
GILES VOICEOVER: Previously on Buffy the Vampire Slayer... Monks running in fear. Monk talking to Buffy.
MONK: We had to hide the key ... made it human... Monks chanting.
MONK: ...and sent it to you. Dawn looking sullen.
BUFFY VOICEOVER: Dawn. Glory talking to Dawn in "Checkpoint."
GLORY: Did you know your sister took my key, Dawnie? And she won't give it back! I bet you know where she put it, don't you?
BUFFY: She doesn't know anything. Buffy kneeling on top of the knight (Orlando), pulling off his mask.
BUFFY: Okay, let's see who you are.
ORLANDO: The Knights of Byzantium, an ancient order. And now your enemy. So long as you protect the key, the brotherhood will never stop until we destroy it and you.
SPIKE: Look at you. All afraid I'm hot for your honey. Spike in Buffy's darkened bedroom in "Into the Woods." Buffy asleep.
RILEY VOICEOVER: Because you are.
SPIKE: Well ... yeah. Buffy in the magic shop in "Checkpoint."
BUFFY: Just tell me what kind of demon I'm fighting.
QUINTON TRAVERS: Glory isn't a demon.
BUFFY: What is she?
TRAVERS: She's a god.
BUFFY: Look, I know Mom wants to gather and make with the merry tomorrow night, but with everything that's going on... Willow walks up behind Buffy.
WILLOW: This is exactly what you need. (Sits next to Buffy. We see Tara sitting on Willow's other side) A 20th birthday party with, with, with presents, and funny hats, and, and those candles that don't blow out... (whispers to Tara) Those used to scare me.
TARA: Me too.
BUFFY: I just don't think this is the best time to break out the party pinata. We need to stay focused if we're gonna find a way to stop Glory. We see Xander and Anya sitting on Buffy's other side.
XANDER: We're going up against a god. An actual mightier-than-thou god.
WILLOW: Well, you know what they say, the bigger they are-
ANYA: The faster they stomp you into nothing. Everyone looks at her. We see Giles sitting between Buffy and Xander, looking through books and papers.
BUFFY: She's right. I've thrown everything I've got at her and she just shrugs it off.
WILLOW: Then we have to find something heavier to throw.
GILES: That might pose some difficulty. From what the Council's been able to discover from the book of Tarnis and, and, and other sources, Glory and two of her fellow hellgods ruled over ... one of the more seriously unpleasant demon dimensions.
TARA: There's more than one?
ANYA: Oh, there are thousands of demon dimensions. All different.
GILES: All pushing on the edges of our reality, trying to find a way in.
BUFFY: I guess Glory found one. The question is, why?
GILES: There's nothing to indicate that here. Just ... vague references to ... chaos and destruction. (Sound of teakettle whistling. Giles gets up to get it.)
BUFFY: Okay, so, we know where Glory's from. What do we know about her? You know, she's tough, yeah, but, but no bolts of lightning, no blasts of fire, shouldn't a god be able to do that kind of stuff?
GILES: (pouring tea) Uh, usually, yes, but um, being in human form must be severely limiting her powers. All we have to worry about right now is she's immortal, invulnerable, and insane.
XANDER: A *crazy* hellgod? And the fun just keeps on leaving.
GILES: From what I've been able to gather, her living in this world is ... seriously affecting her mental state as well. She's only being able to keep her mind intact by, uh, extracting energy from us. Well, from, from the human brain.
TARA: She, she, she's a brain-sucker? (Willow and Tara exchange a look)
GILES: She, um ... (leans over to read from book) "absorbs the energies that bind the human mind into a cohesive whole." Once drained, all that's left behind is, uh-
BUFFY: Crazy people.
GILES: (pouring more tea) Which is, I'm afraid, why there's been a marked increase in the ranks of the mentally unstable here in Sunnydale.
TARA: At least vampires just kill you.
BUFFY: (gets up) We have to find a way to stop her.
WILLOW: Oh, well, Tara and I can work on some tactical spells. (Giles hands Buffy a cup of tea)
ANYA: I can do some research. I know *way* more about demon dimensions than Giles does. (Giles frowns) Well, I do.
XANDER: This is great long-term plan-y stuff, but what about this ... key thingy Glory's looking for? Buffy and Giles both standing, sipping tea, exchanging a look.
TARA: (OS) Yeah, I mean, shouldn't we be trying to find it before she does?
BUFFY: I don't think that's what we should be worrying about right now. (Giles sits)
WILLOW: They've got a point. Whatever Glory's planning on opening with the key, I'm guessing it won't be filled with candy and flowers.
XANDER: So where should we start looking? Do we know where it used to be kept? Who saw it last?
BUFFY: We did. Giles and me. We, we know where it is.
XANDER: You what?
WILLOW: You know, and you didn't tell us?
GILES: There were ... reasons.
BUFFY: Look, i-if Glory knew that you guys knew where it was, I ... (sits) I-I just didn't wanna put you in that kind of danger.
XANDER: (annoyed) As opposed to the other kind we're always in?
WILLOW: You should have said something.
BUFFY: Will, there- (pauses) You're right. (to Giles) It's time.
GILES: Are you sure?
BUFFY: If they're gonna be risking their lives, they deserve to know.
XANDER: Know what? Buffy looks at her friends. They look at her.
BUFFY: There's something that you need to know ... about Dawn.
Cut to: graveyard, night. The knight from "Checkpoint" (Orlando) holding a sword.
ORLANDO: The link must be severed. Such is the will of God. We see two other knights standing with him, also holding swords. They all chant in unison.
KNIGHTS: The key is the link. The link must be severed. Such is the will of God. The key is the link. The link must be severed. Such is the will of God.
JINX: You really think *he* is going to help you? The knights draw their swords and turn to see Jinx, Dreg, and another demon who looks like them, each holding an axe.
JINX: I fear your faith is gravely misplaced. The demons attack. The fight is brief; two of the demons are defeated. Only Jinx is left. He cowers and tries to back away as Orlando advances, but Jinx trips over something and falls on his butt. Orlando stands over him and lifts his sword high.
ORLANDO: Shall we test your faith now? He starts to stab downward. Jinx cringes. A hand appears and grabs the sword's blade.
GLORY: Never send a minion to do a god's work. She backhands Orlando, who goes flying backward, losing his grip on the sword. He crawls toward it on the ground as Glory beats up the other two knights. She stabs one knight with his own sword, then uses it to kill the other as well. She drops the sword and walks toward where Orlando is still trying to reach his sword.
GLORY: Hey, nice sword. (Picks it up and points it at his face) Bet it hurts. Wolf howl. Opening credits. Guest starring Clare Kramer, Charlie Weber, Troy T. Blendell, Amber Benson as Tara, and Kristine Sutherland as Joyce Summers. Written by Steven S. DeKnight, directed by Michael Gershman.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Act I
[SCENE_BREAK]
Fade in on Willow and Tara outside the magic shop, daylight. They are drawing symbols on the ground with colored sand. Dawn walks up.
DAWN: You guys doin' a spell?
WILLOW: Dawn, hey. Y-yeah, we're doing an early warning incantation. If anything hellgodishly powerful comes within a hundred feet of the shop, then screechy siren things will, you know, screech.
TARA: This should give us a heads-up so we can hide ... the, um, key.
WILLOW: We already put one up around your house.
DAWN: Cool, can I help? Willow and Tara exchange a look.
WILLOW: Well, I don't think Buffy would like the, uh, black arts bumpin' auras with the littlest Summers.
DAWN: (nods resignedly) Yeah, whatever. (Goes into the shop)
TARA: (quietly) How can she not be real?
WILLOW: She's real, she's just ... kinda ... new. Willow throws a last handful of dust down; the symbols all flash brightly and disappear.
Cut to inside magic shop. Dawn enters. Anya is dusting something while Xander sits at the table reading.
DAWN: Hey. We on the case?
XANDER: Yeah. Right on top, perched, ready for action. (Anya looks uncomfortable) How's my sweet fancy Dawn doing? Xander reaches over to tickle Dawn's stomach. She giggles and tries to fight him off.
DAWN: (laughing) Fine. What's up with you? (Xander stops tickling) Did you get into the sugar again?
ANYA: (loud fake cheerful tone) You make a very pretty little girl! Xander jumps up.
XANDER: (same fake tone) Anya, you wanna help me with that thing?
ANYA: (same fake tone, with fake smile and fake laugh) Xander needs help with his thing! They walk off. Dawn looks annoyed.
GILES: I'm not sure our regular workout is ... challenging you any more. Perhaps we should make it harder. Giles and Buffy walk in from the back room. Buffy holds a bottle of water. Giles is writing in a small book.
BUFFY: You always think harder is better. Maybe next time I patrol I should carry a load of bricks, use a stake made of butter.
GILES: Very amusing. They walk over to the counter, where Dawn is standing, with a notebook lying open on the counter. Giles puts his book down on the counter also.
GILES: I'm sure Dawn feels that way about her schoolwork sometimes.
BUFFY: That true? How was school today?
DAWN: Um, the usual. Big square building filled with boredom and despair.
BUFFY: (OS) Just how I remember it. Giles closes his book, slides it off the counter and out of sight.
BUFFY: So, what's the homework sitch?
DAWN: We have to imagine what we'll be like ten years from now and write a letter to our future self. The teacher's clearly so out of ideas. (Giles closes a drawer behind the counter) Wanna help?
BUFFY: Maybe later. I have some stuff I have to do first. Giles moves his hands away from the drawer. Dawn looks over at him, then back at Buffy.
DAWN: Is it about that weird girl that came to the house?
BUFFY: Glory. And no it's not.
DAWN: Like you'd tell me anyway. Dawn's too young and Dawn's too delicate.
BUFFY: Right. A young delicate pain in my butt.
DAWN: I just think you're freakin' out 'cause you have to fight someone prettier than you. That is the case, right? Buffy walks closer to her.
BUFFY: (softly) Glory is evil. And powerful. (normal tone) And in no way prettier than me.
DAWN: I just think you're getting soft in your advanced age. She didn't look that tough to me. (Smirks)
Cut to: Glory in her apartment, talking to Orlando. His face is bloody.
GLORY: Okay. One more time. (circles around behind him) Just between me and you. Our itsy-bitsy little secret. (comes back to the front, grabs his face) Where ... is ... the key?
ORLANDO: Even if I knew, I'd die a thousand deaths before I'd tell you.
GLORY: (annoyed) Well, you won't need a thousand, sweetie. (pats his cheek, turns away) I'll make the first one last. Long time. She walks a few steps away. She's holding his sword. She turns back and shakes her head.
GLORY: What is it with you religious types? (gasps, smiles. Throws the sword aside and goes back to him) It's intimacy, isn't it? She grabs his face, runs her hands down his chest.
GLORY: Oh! You're just scared of letting someone in! (circles around him, hugging him and rubbing his chest) Shh, shh, shh. It's okay. I know how difficult the first time can be. You don't have to be afraid. (gets back to the front, puts her face right next to his) Just relax. You may not have the info I want ... but you still got something I need. She slides her fingers into his head. Light streams out of the holes. Orlando screams.
Cut to: huge pile of brightly wrapped gifts.
BUFFY VOICEOVER: Prezzies! Pull out to reveal the Summers living room. Joyce and Dawn on one couch, Buffy on the other, on either side of the coffee-table laden with presents. Xander, Giles, Tara, Anya, and Willow stand around. Tara and Xander hold gifts. Willow wears a party hat and holds a bottle of bubble-blowing liquid.
WILLOW: See, just what you needed. (Blows bubbles)
BUFFY: You are very, very wise. Now gimme, gimme, gimme! (Tara hands her a gift. Buffy begins ripping off the paper.)
ANYA: This is extremely suspenseful! I want the presents. Buffy pulls out a dress.
BUFFY: Ohh ... it's beautiful. Thank you, guys.
TARA: Well, we thought you'd get lots of crossbows, other killy stuff.
WILLOW: Yeah, so we figured, less killy, more frilly.
ANYA: Gotta look. (Grabs the dress from Buffy) Oh, it's just so lovely! Oh, I wish it was mine! Everyone gives her a look.
ANYA: (quietly) Oh, like you weren't all thinking the same thing. (puts the dress down)
GILES: I'm fairly certain I wasn't. (whispers to Xander) I've got one just like it.
DAWN: (gets up) Here. Open mine. (Gives gift to Buffy)
BUFFY: It's not gonna explode, is it? She opens it and removes a photo of herself and Dawn, in a frame covered with seashells.
DAWN: It's when we visited Dad that summer in San Diego. (Buffy staring at it) Um, I put the shells on it myself. We picked them off the beach.
BUFFY: (softly) I remember. Joyce smiles. Everyone else looks thoughtful. Dawn looks uncomfortable.
DAWN: Well, geez, don't get all movie-of-the-week. I was just too cheap to buy a real present.
BUFFY: Thank you. Buffy gets up and hugs Dawn. Buffy and Joyce exchange a look over Dawn's shoulder.
Cut to later. Joyce, Buffy, and Giles in the kitchen. Giles pouring a glass of wine. Buffy pouring a glass of water from a pitcher.
JOYCE: It still seems to me like there's a lot you don't know about this. I mean, is she dangerous?
BUFFY: No.
GILES: Well, now, wait just a second. (Camera pans across to the doorway. We see Dawn in the dining room, looking down the hallway, listening in.) I assume you're talking about her existence rather than her intentions. Buffy looks down the hall, sees Dawn.
JOYCE: Exactly.
BUFFY: (calls) Dawn? What are you doing in there? Party gettin' slow?
DAWN: Uh, (picks up a stack of plates from dining-room table) we need plates. Cake time. She walks off. Buffy smiles nervously.
Cut to living room. Tara and Willow are preparing the cake. Xander and Anya stand in the doorway kissing. As Dawn walks in, Anya pushes Xander away; Willow and Tara stop what they're doing. Dawn puts plates on the table next to the cake, smiling. She stops smiling when she sees Tara's face, then turns around to look at Xander and Anya.
DAWN: Why does everybody start acting all weird when I'm around?
XANDER: Me? Me not weird. Tara looks worried. Willow licks frosting off a birthday-cake candle.
DAWN: I'm not an idiot. I know you're talking about me.
XANDER: No, no, we really weren't.
ANYA: (fake voice) We were talking about s*x. Buffy, Joyce, and Giles enter.
DAWN: (to Joyce) They were talking about me, just like everybody is.
XANDER: Again, not so much. In fact, none.
ANYA: We were talking about s*x. I mean, you know us, sometimes we like to pretend stuff-
JOYCE: Um...
XANDER: Anya!
ANYA: You know, like, say there's a fireman, or a shepherd-
BUFFY: You know what? Let's not have this exchange of images right now.
DAWN: Oh. Right. Of course. Can't let Dawn hear anything. (angry) Fine. I'm just gonna go to bed. That way I won't accidentally get exposed to, like, words. She storms out. Everyone looks unhappy.
WILLOW: (holds up a piece of cake on a plate) Cake?
Cut to: Dawn storming into her bedroom, slamming the door. She leans against the wall and looks sullen.
Cut to: exterior of the house. Dawn climbs out her window and down the trellis, climbs from the trellis onto the back porch. The curtains are drawn; we can see the shadows of the others moving inside the house. Dawn goes down the back stairs, watching the windows, and turns around to find Spike standing right behind her. He has something under his arm and a cigarette in his mouth. Dawn gives a little yelp of surprise.
DAWN: Geez! Lurk much?
SPIKE: I wasn't lurking. I was standing about. It's a whole different vibe.
DAWN: What is- (looks at the thing under his arm. Folds her arms and smirks) Are you giving Buffy a birthday present? (Spike looks at the box) Oh my god. Weird. And chocolates? Lame. And the box is all bent, and, well, you know she'd never touch anything from you anyway.
SPIKE: (leans closer to her, speaks menacingly) Shouldn't you be tucked away in your beddy-bye? All warm and safe where nothing can eat you?
DAWN: (giggles) Is that supposed to scare me?
SPIKE: (sighs, leans back) Little tremble wouldn't hurt.
DAWN: Sorry, it's just ... come on. *I'm* badder than you.
SPIKE: (insulted) Are not!
DAWN: Am too. You're standing in the bushes hugging a bent box of chocolates, and I'm-
SPIKE: What? Sneaking out to braid hair and watch Teletubbies with your mates?
DAWN: No. (softly, looking back at the house) I'm breaking into the magic shop ... (boastfully) to steal things.
SPIKE: (frowns) Magic shop, eh? (looks over his shoulder; thoughtfully) All number of beasties between here and there. (Dawn looks a little nervous) Bet they'd really go for a little red riding hood like you. Bet that wouldn't sit too well with big sister.
DAWN: (uncertain) I can take care of myself. Spike just looks at her. She looks around, anxious.
DAWN: You wanna come steal some stuff?
SPIKE: Yeah, all right. Dawn nods. They walk off.
Cut to: exterior magic shop, night. Dawn stands by the door holding the chocolates while Spike kneels, trying to pick the lock.
DAWN: Do you know how to do that or not?
SPIKE: Give us a sec. I usually just (gestures) burst through doors. The door finally opens.
SPIKE: That's right! (Stands up, gives Dawn his best smug smirk) Who's bad now? They enter.
SPIKE: Girl with a mission, eh? (Dawn turns on a flashlight) What's the caper? Jewels? Ancient artifacts? Or just plain hard cash liberated from the till?
DAWN: A book.
SPIKE: All this for a book? Dawn walks confidently to the counter, puts down the chocolates and goes behind the counter.
DAWN: I don't want the book. Just what's inside. I think it was Giles' notes. (Shines the flashlight around as Spike examines the stuff on the counter) He was standing here, and when I turned around it was gone. She begins feeling under the counter. Spike takes something off the counter and puts it in his pocket. Dawn finds the hidden drawer and pulls it open, revealing the book. She smiles in triumph.
Cut to later.
SPIKE: Where did he learn to write so bloody small, from a fruit fly? We see Dawn and Spike sitting on the floor, three candles lit in front of them. Dawn reading the book. Spike's cigarette is mostly ash.
DAWN: Wait, here's something. Uh, "Tarnis, 12th century. One of the founders of the monks of the order of Dagon." (Spike stands up) "Their sole purpose appears to have been as protectors of the key."
SPIKE: (scoffs) Brown-robe types are always protecting something. It's the only way they can justify giving up girls. (He looks around, spots Olaf's hammer from "Triangle" in a display case) Hey! Troll hammer. Spike tries to pick it up but it's too heavy. It falls to the floor with a clang. He glances over to see if Dawn noticed. She has her back to him.
SPIKE: Didn't go with my stuff anyway. He continues looking around at the shelves, looking bored, as Dawn reads.
DAWN: "The key is not directly described in any known literature, but all research indicates an energy matrix vibrating at a dimensional frequency beyond normal human perception. Only those outside reality can see the key's true nature." (shakes head) Outside reality. What's that mean?
SPIKE: Mm. Second-sight blokes, mostly. (Puts out his cigarette in an item on the shelf) Or even just your run-of-the-mill lunatics. He resumes his seat beside Dawn as she begins to get an expression of revelation. Flash to hospital in "Listening to Fear."
CRAZY SECURITY GUARD: There! (points at a scared Dawn) There's no one in there. Flash to outside magic shop in "The Real Me."
CRAZY GUY: I know what you are. Back to Dawn looking thoughtful.
SPIKE: What else does it say about this key? Is it made out of gold? Maybe we can hock it, split the take.
DAWN: Um, (reads) "The key is also susceptible to necromanced animal detection, particularly those of canine or serpent construct." Flash to the snake creature slithering across the floor in "Shadow." Dawn screaming as it rears up above her. The creature's eyes flashing red. Back to Dawn holding the book, pondering. Spike reaches over and takes the book from her.
SPIKE: (frowns at book) "The monks possessed the ability to transform energy, bend reality." Blah, blah, blah. (looks at Dawn) Good lord, Giles writes as dull as he talks, doesn't he? (back to book) "They started work. But the Council ... has suggested ... to us that they were interrupted. Presumably by ... Glory." (Dawn continues staring into the distance as she listens) "They obviously did manage to accomplish the taste..." (looks closer) "accomplish the task. They had to be certain the Slayer would protect it with her life. So they sent the key to her ... in human form. In the form of a sister." Zoom in on Dawn's shocked expression. Spike frowns, looks over at her.
SPIKE: Huh! I guess that's you, nibblet. Shot of Dawn continuing to react. Blackout.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Act II
[SCENE_BREAK]
Exterior shot of the Summers house, night.
Cut to inside. Willow and Tara on a sofa, facing Buffy in an armchair.
WILLOW: Not even a card, huh?
BUFFY: I wasn't really expecting one. No contact with civilians. There's probably a ... code name for it. You know, like radio silence, it's "greeting card silence."
WILLOW: Sorry.
BUFFY: Maybe it's time to start a new tradition. Birthdays without boyfriends. It could be just as much fun.
WILLOW: Preaching to the choir here, baby. (smiles at Tara)
TARA: Yeah, some of my best- (sees something across the room) Oh-oh my god. Buffy turns to look behind her, gets up. We see Dawn standing in the doorway. A large knife in one hand, blood running down her other arm from a wound across the inner forearm.
DAWN: (dazed) Is this blood? We see Joyce and Giles across the room, turning to look.
BUFFY: Dawn!
JOYCE: Oh, baby. Buffy and Joyce rush over to Dawn.
BUFFY: What did you do?!
DAWN: This is blood, isn't it? It can't be me. I'm not a key. (Buffy looks shocked) I'm not a thing.
JOYCE: Oh, sweetie, no. Wha-what is this all about?
DAWN: (grimly) What am I? (getting teary) Am I real? Am I anything? She begins to cry. Joyce hugs her. Buffy watches grimly, also a little teary-eyed.
Cut to: Buffy seeing the others out.
WILLOW: If you need anything-
BUFFY: Thanks. Willow hugs Buffy and leaves. Giles walks up to the door.
GILES: Perhaps I should stay, you know, just in case.
BUFFY: This is a family thing. We should deal with this.
GILES: Okay. Giles leaves. Buffy closes the door behind him.
Cut to: Dawn sitting on her bed. Joyce sits at the foot of the bed. Buffy enters.
DAWN: (softly, not looking up) Why didn't you tell me? Joyce looks at Buffy.
BUFFY: We were going to. It just... (trails off. Dawn gives her an angry look)
JOYCE: We thought it would be better if we waited until you were older.
DAWN: How old am I now?
JOYCE: You're fourteen, sweetheart, you know that.
DAWN: No. The monks. When did ... when did they ... (trails off)
BUFFY: Six months ago.
DAWN: (trying to hold back tears) I've only been alive for six months, huh?
JOYCE: Honey, you've been alive a lot longer than that to us.
DAWN: You don't know that! You don't know anything. I'm, I'm just a key, right? Everything about me is made up.
BUFFY: Dawn ... (sits on the bed next to Dawn) Mom and I know what we feel. I know I care about you. I know that I worry about you-
DAWN: You worry about me because you have to. I'm your job. Protect the key, right?
BUFFY: I worry because my sister is cutting herself!
DAWN: Yeah? How do you know? Maybe this is just another fake memory from my fake family.
JOYCE: Sweetheart-
DAWN: Get out.
BUFFY: Dawn...
DAWN: Get out, get out, get out! Her voice rises to a shriek on the last two words. Joyce and Buffy get up to leave. Dawn lies down on the bed, curls up hugging a stuffed animal.
Cut to magic shop, day.
BUFFY: We need answers, Giles. Buffy, Willow, Xander, and Giles move across the room toward the counter. Giles goes behind the counter, where Anya is already moving around looking at stuff.
BUFFY: We need to find out everything we can about the key. What's it for, who created it.
XANDER: And why Glory has a big girl-god jones for it.
BUFFY: This isn't about her. It's about Dawn. She deserves to know where she came from. She needs to know. Or it's just gonna eat away at her.
GILES: (looking at his notebook and papers on the counter) How did she find these? How did she get in here?
ANYA: (turns away from the back shelves, holding an item) Ew! Who's been using the urn of Ishtar as an ashtray? (takes out a cigarette butt) Willow looks thoughtful. Shot of Buffy as the realization hits her.
Cut to: Buffy bursting into Spike's crypt. Spike is sitting atop one of the coffins, painting his fingernails.
SPIKE: Morning, sunshine. If you've come around for eggs or sausage, I'm fresh out. Buffy grabs the lid of the coffin and pulls it out from under Spike so that he tumbles backward into the coffin. He sits up.
SPIKE: Hey, careful! These are wet. (Holds up his hand) Buffy slides the lid back onto the coffin so that it slams into Spike's chest, pinning him against the opposite side of the coffin.
BUFFY: How could you let her find out like that? From books and papers? You hate me that much?
SPIKE: I was just along for the ride. Not like I knew she was mystical glowy key thing. Nobody keeps me in the bloody loop, do they?
BUFFY: (bangs the lid, steps back) You could have stopped her.
SPIKE: Oh, yeah, here it comes. Something goes wrong in your life, blame Spike. News flash, blondie. (Heaves the lid up off of him, tossing it aside) If kid sis wants to grab a midnight stroll, she'll find a way sooner or later. I just thought she'd be safer with big bad looking over her shoulder.
BUFFY: (glares at him silently for a moment) She shouldn't have found out like that.
SPIKE: You didn't think you could keep the truth from her forever, did you? (angrily) Maybe if *you* had been more honest with her in the first place, you wouldn't be trying to make yourself feel better with a round of Kick The Spike. Buffy turns and storms out, slamming the door. Spike sighs and shakes his head.
Cut to: Joyce knocking on Dawn's door, entering. Dawn still lying on her side on the bed, with her back to the door.
JOYCE: Honey? You're gonna be late for school.
DAWN: I'm not going. Blobs of energy don't need an education.
JOYCE: You want me to make you some soup? (sits on the bed) I think there's some chicken and stars...
DAWN: I'm not sick! (quieter) I'm not anything.
JOYCE: Honey, calm down, okay... (puts hand on Dawn's back)
DAWN: (faces her) Don't tell me what to do. (pause) You're not my mother. Joyce looks hurt. Dawn lies back down for a moment, then gets up.
DAWN: I changed my mind. I'd rather be at school. (Grabs her backpack and leaves)
Cut to: Exterior hospital, day.
Cut to: interior, mental ward. Ben enters carrying a tray with a bunch of cups of Jello on it.
BEN: All right, fellas, today we've got blues, greens, and... (looks at tray) oh, hey, chartreuse. It's a party.
ORLANDO: It won't stick. The birds have been pecking too hard. (laughing) Ben looks over and sees Orlando strapped down in one of the beds.
BEN: Byzantium.
JINX: Yes, they've arrived. (We see Jinx standing in the corner. He walks over to stand beside the knight's bed) Unfortunate, but not completely unexpected.
BEN: How many?
JINX: Their numbers are few for the moment, but they will grow. (Ben puts down the tray) The Knights of Byzantium are like ants. First you see one, then two, then the picnic's ruined. No matter how many we kill, they'll keep coming ... wave after wave. (walks over to Ben) It's time to set old animosities aside. Your fate is directly linked to her magnificently-scented Glorificus. She's been extremely forgiving of your considerable foibles up until now, but if you persist in your defiance, she'll be forced to-
BEN: To what? What is she going to do? Send a six-pack of minions to bore me to death? Glory can't lay a finger on me. You know it, I know it, she knows it. So save the threats, or I'll finish the job I started on your head. He shoves past Jinx and exits.
Cut to: Exterior of the Summers house, night.
Cut to: Dawn in her bedroom looking through her diaries. She has a bunch of them, of different sizes, shapes, covers, etc. She clutches one to her chin and looks pensive.
Cut to: Buffy and Joyce in the living room. They sit side-by-side on the sofa.
JOYCE: We can't just let her sit up there all alone.
BUFFY: She needs time. We can't force her to be all right with this.
JOYCE: That's your answer? Just ... leave her alone and hope that everything works itself out?
BUFFY: No, but if I were her, I'd want a little bit of time right now. I wouldn't want my mother and my sister coming at me from all sides.
JOYCE: Her school called today. She was suspended. We see Dawn on the stairway above, listening.
JOYCE: (OS) She yelled at a teacher. The things she said, Buffy, I mean she never used language like that
BUFFY: (OS) She probably feels like she can say or do anything right now. She's not real. We're not her family, we don't even know what she is. Dawn looks shocked.
Cut to: Dawn storming back into her room, crying. She slams the door, looks around, and begins to trash her room, shrieking. She shoves stuff off the desk, shoves books off the shelves, tears posters off the walls. She picks up one of her diaries and flips through it, then begins to tear out pages, throws them in the wastebasket, then throws the whole book in. Extended sequence of Dawn ripping pages out of diaries, throwing the pages and the diaries into the wastebasket. Cut back to living room. Joyce jumps up, staring at Buffy in horror.
JOYCE: How can you talk about Dawn as if she's a thing?
BUFFY: I'm not! I'm just ... saying that's probably how she feels.
JOYCE: Well, then we have to show her that it isn't true. She needs to know that she's still a part of this family and that we love her.
BUFFY: It's not that simple! We're not gonna be able to fix this with a hug and a kiss and a bowl of soup! Dawn needs to know where she came from, she needs real answers.
JOYCE: (sits) What she needs is her sister, Buffy, not the Slayer.
BUFFY: The Slayer is the only thing standing between Dawn ... and this god from the bitch dimension that wants to shove her in some kind of lock and give her a good twirl. Mom, I need to be out there, doing my job- A shrill beeping noise begins. They both jump up.
BUFFY: Oh my god, Glory. It's Willow's spell. (Runs toward stairs)
JOYCE: (following) Wait. It's not Glory.
Cut to: Buffy kicking down Dawn's door, rushing in followed by Joyce. The beeping continues.
BUFFY: Damn it. We see the wastebasket on fire. Buffy grabs a blanket from the bed and tosses it over the flames to put them out.
BUFFY: Dawn!
JOYCE: (looking at something across the room) Buffy.
BUFFY: No. No, she could have burned the house down.
JOYCE: Buffy ... she's gone. Buffy looks in the direction Joyce is looking. Shot of the open window. The alarm continues beeping. Blackout.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Act III
[SCENE_BREAK]
Fade in on magic shop, night.
BUFFY: She tore up her room ... she burned all of her diaries. (Moves across the screen to sit in a chair by the table)
XANDER: The Dawnmeister Chronicles? Pan across Xander to find Willow and Tara sitting beside the counter. Giles and Anya behind it. Giles hands Willow a cup of tea.
WILLOW: She's been keeping those since ... (pauses, looks confused) I mean...
BUFFY: Since she was seven. I remember too, Will. (We see Spike standing in the background behind Buffy) We have to find her. Fast. Before Glory or the knights of hack-n-slash figure out what - *who* she really is. Mom's gonna stay at home in case she shows up. I figure we split up and sweep the city. (stands) Anya. Will you stay here in case she shows up? Xander, Giles, you guys take the center of town. Willow, Tara, west side. Spike, you and I'll get the east side. Everyone gets up to leave. Spike moves forward to stand beside Buffy.
BUFFY: (softly) Just find her ... please.
Cut to: Dawn walking through a playground, night. She looks over at a swing-set. Flash to a bright sunny day, small girl with Dawn's hair on the swing, bigger girl with Buffy's hair pushing her. (We only see them from the back.)
YOUNG DAWN: Bet you can't push me all the way around!
YOUNG BUFFY: Oh yes I can!
YOUNG DAWN: No you can't! Flash back to today, the swing-set dark and empty. Dawn looks sad, tears on her face. She turns and walks away.
Cut to: Xander and Giles walking through alleys in Sunnydale, night. Giles pokes around looking behind things, inside dumpsters, etc.
XANDER: There's so many things I remember. Seeing Dawn ... hanging with her ... listening to Buffy complain about her. Mostly that last one. How could it be that all those things never really happened?
GILES: Well, it takes some getting used to. The idea of a ... bright fourteen-year-old actually being living energy thousands of years old. They continue walking, looking around.
XANDER: I'm guessing some kind of super-powerful in her raw form.
GILES: People have killed, died for it ... summoned armies to control the key.
XANDER: You know, uh ... she kinda has a crush on me.
GILES: Your point being?
XANDER: (stops walking) Well nothing, no, uh ... just saying, powerful being ... big energy gal digging the Xan-man. (Grins. Giles frowns at him) Some guys are just cooler, you know? Giles turns and walks away, rolling his eyes. Xander follows.
Cut to: Buffy and Spike walking through the playground, night.
BUFFY: (calls) Dawn! Dawn!
SPIKE: Yeah, that should do it.
BUFFY: Shut up.
SPIKE: The nibblet scampered off to get away from you. She hears you bellowing, she's gonna pack it in the opposite direction. (they stop walking) Can't say I blame her. (looking around)
BUFFY: (quietly, staring at the ground) You were right. (Spike looks surprised) This is my fault. I should have told her.
SPIKE: (sighs) Look, she probably would have skipped off anyway, even if she never found out. She's not just a blob of energy, she's also a fourteen-year-old hormone bomb. (sighs) Which one's screwing her up more right now, spin the bloody wheel. (shrugs) You'll find her, just in the nick of time, that's what you hero types do. Buffy gives him a hopeful look.
SPIKE: (firmly) You'll find her.
BUFFY: (quietly) And then what?
Cut to: Dawn walking down a street. She steps aside as an ambulance goes past, siren wailing, lights flashing. She stares after it.
Cut to: Exterior hospital, night. We see the emergency room door, ambulance parked next to it, people running inside with a patient on a gurney.
Cut to: Dawn entering the hospital. She goes down a hall, looks around to make sure no one's watching, then slips though a door.
Cut to: Dawn entering the mental ward. All the patients begin to mutter nervously as she enters.
PATIENT 1: It's here. It's here. It's here.
PATIENT 2: Can't stop.
PATIENT 1: It's here. It's here. (repeats over and over)
PATIENT 2: Make it stop. The skin's too tight.
PATIENT 1: (lifts his head to look at Dawn) Can't hear it. What's the frequency? Empty. All spilled out.
DAWN: (goes over to Patient 1's bed) Please. Y-you see me, right? Look at me. Patient 1 stares at her, very fearful.
PATIENT 2: Can't stop it!
DAWN: You know what I am, don't you? You all know!
PATIENT 1: (stares at ceiling) Can't hear it, can't hear it, can't hear it (repeats over and over)
DAWN: Tell me!
PATIENT 1: Can't hear it, can't hear it ... (repeats)
DAWN: What am I?
ORLANDO: The key. Dawn whips her head around to look at Orlando.
ORLANDO: I found it. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
DAWN: (rushes over to him) You know what the key is? (He stares at the ceiling still repeating "Thank you") Where did I come from? Who made me, wha-what am I?
ORLANDO: Thank you, thank you...
DAWN: Please!
ORLANDO: (suddenly jerks his head up and yells) Destroyer! (Dawn jumps back) Cracked ... bones ... the sun bleeding into the sky! The key is the link.
DAWN: (shakes her head, backing away) No, no.
ORLANDO: The link must be severed. Such is the will of God. Such is the will of God. Such is the will of God. (repeats) He continues repeating this phrase as Dawn backs away, then turns and runs away.
ORLANDO: Such is the will of God.
PATIENT 1: Can't hear it. Orlando continues repeating his phrase and Patient 1 repeats his, as the other madmen mutter also, getting louder and louder. Dawn runs to the door, pulls it open and finds Ben on the other side. He looks at her in surprise.
Cut to: hospital locker room. Dawn sits at a small table. Ben walks over carrying two cups, which he puts on the table.
BEN: Two steaming cups of chocolate goodness courtesy of ... whoever I swiped it from out of the cupboard. (sits) Couldn't find any marshmallows. I'll try to steal some for next time.
DAWN: Don't like 'em anyway.
BEN: What? Is that even possible?
DAWN: Too squishy. When I was five, Buffy told me they were monkey brains, and I- (stops)
BEN: Dawn, was your mom brought back in? Is that why you're here?
DAWN: No. (bitterly) My *mom*'s just fine.
BEN: (puzzled) Is there anybody I can call? Your sister?
DAWN: I don't have a sister.
BEN: Oh ... you two have a fight? It's okay, I know how that goes. I got a sister too. They can be a real pain sometimes. (Dawn nods) I tell you, there've been a lot of nights I wish she didn't exist either.
DAWN: It's not Buffy. It's me. I'm the one that doesn't exist. (sighs)
BEN: Look, I know it can feel that way sometimes, but when you're older-
DAWN: No, you don't understand. It's not real. None of this. (indicating her body) They made it.
BEN: Dawn-
DAWN: I'm nothing! I'm just a thing the monks made so Glory couldn't find me. I'm not real. Ben looks extremely shocked and fearful. He gets to his feet.
BEN: (gets up) You're the key?
DAWN: How do you know about the key?
BEN: Go! Before she finds you. Don't ask me how she knows, 'cause she always knows. Just go.
DAWN: Wait! Calm down, just tell me-
BEN: (agitated) You don't understand, you're a kid. (Dawn gets up) You stay, she'll find you. She finds you, she'll hurt you.
DAWN: What's wrong with you?
BEN: You're what she's been searching for. I am telling you, run. You don't know, you - (looks around nervously) Oh god. Oh god no, she's coming. (Dawn looks frightened) I can feel it, you've gotta get out. No ... oh no, she's here! He grabs Dawn by the arms. She screams.
BEN: She's here! In the middle of "She's here," Ben morphs into Glory. Dawn gasps and stares at her in shock. Glory looks confused.
GLORY: Hey, don't I know you? Blackout.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Act IV
[SCENE_BREAK]
Fade back in on the hospital. Dawn is sitting in the chair again.
GLORY: (OS) Ugh, cotton! We see Glory standing by the lockers, taking off Ben's hospital scrubs (her back to the camera).
GLORY: Could a fabric be more annoyingly pedestrian? (reaches into a locker) Now *this* is what I'm talkin' about. (Pulls out a red silk blouse and slides it over her head, smiling) Makes your skin sing.
DAWN: You're-you're Ben...
GLORY: (fastening the blouse behind her) Uh, it's an eensy more complicated than that. Family always is, isn't it? Dawn looks anxiously toward the door.
GLORY: (still with her back to Dawn) You'd never make it. I'd rip out your spine before you got half a step. And those little legs? (smiles over her shoulder at Dawn) They wouldn't be much good without one of those. Suddenly Glory is right next to Dawn, bending over with her hands on her knees so that her face is at Dawn's level.
GLORY: Would they, Dawnie? Dawn looks alarmed.
GLORY: Now. What I'm trying to noodle, is what in the world was the Slayer's little sis doing here with gentle Ben?
DAWN: Y-you don't remember?
GLORY: Remember what? (brushes hair off Dawn's shoulders) You were talking to him, not me. (gasps, grabs Dawn's chin) Oh, he wasn't being naughty, was he? A hospital guard enters.
GUARD: Excuse me, ma'am. This area's for hospital personnel- Glory turns around, grabs his head and twists it, breaking his neck. He falls to the floor. Dawn gasps. Glory turns back to Dawn and leans down again.
GLORY: Rude! I was talking! (sighs) What do you say ... (pulls Dawn to her feet) we find a nice place off the beaten (grabs Dawn by the front of her blouse, spins her around) where you and I can have a long uninterrupted chat. Glory pushes a very scared Dawn around in front of her.
Cut to: graveyard, night. Buffy and Spike walk up and encounter Willow and Tara.
WILLOW: We looked, but no Dawn. Giles and Xander approach.
BUFFY: What about the carousel?
TARA: Checked there too.
BUFFY: (to Giles) Nothing?
XANDER: Sorry, Buff.
BUFFY: Anything could have happened to her. Not just Glory. They all look concerned.
BUFFY: We better check the hospital. They all walk off together.
Cut to: hospital. Dawn and Glory are in some sort of lab, with X-ray display cases along one wall, racks full of beakers and test tubes. Glory shoves Dawn against a metal counter.
GLORY: (briskly) Okay. Small talk over. I'm in a bit of a crunch here, so let's cut right to the ooey gooey center. Your sister, the Slayer, has my key. It's mine, I want it. (softer) Do you know where she squirreled it away? There's ice cream and puppydogs in it for you if you start singin'.
DAWN: (nervously) I'm not sure. What does it look like?
GLORY: (smiles fondly, puts hands over her heart) Well... (walks a few steps away, gets nostalgic) the last time I caught a peep ... it was a bright green swirly shimmer. Really brought out the blue in my eyes. (annoyed) But then those sneaky little monks pulled an abracadabra, so now it could look like anything. You see the predicament I'm in.
DAWN: Maybe...
GLORY: Yes?
DAWN: Well, maybe if you ... told me more about it, I'd know if I've seen it. Glory sighs, leans forward, puts her hands on the table on either side of Dawn. Dawn gasps nervously. Glory gazes at her for a moment.
GLORY: Okay.
Cut to: the others waiting in the hospital emergency room. Buffy turns away from the desk.
BUFFY: She wasn't brought in.
XANDER: Which is a happy thing, right?
BUFFY: I don't know, I... A doctor goes by, leading a bunch of security guards.
DOCTOR: ...found him on the floor in the break room. You guys gotta see him. His head's almost twisted clean off. Buffy stares after them.
BUFFY: Glory.
Cut to exam room. Dawn is now leaning against a wall while Glory sits on the exam table.
DAWN: So this ... key thing ... it's been around for a long time?
GLORY: Well, not as long as me, but ... yeah. Just this side of forever.
DAWN: (long pause, very quietly) Is it evil?
GLORY: Totally! Dawn gives a little gasp of dismay.
GLORY: (laughs) Well, no, not really. I guess it depends on your point of view.
DAWN: What's it for? I mean ... if it's a key, there's gotta be a lock, right?
GLORY: Yes. We have a winner.
DAWN: S-so what does it open?
GLORY: (sighs) I smell a fox in my hen house. (annoyed) Is that why you've been playing sugar and spice with old Uncle Ben? (gets down from the table) Trying to get a peek at Glory's unmentionables?
DAWN: No, I-
GLORY: Shh! I kinda wanna hear me talking right now. Me talking. (gets right up close to Dawn) You know what I'm starting to think? I'm thinking ... that maybe you ... (Dawn looking very apprehensive) don't have any idea where my key is. Glory spins away, speaking faster.
GLORY: Very irritating. Irrational. Know what I mean, tiny snapdragon? Like... She bangs her elbows down on the table, leans over and rubs her forehead, scowling as if she has a headache.
GLORY: ...bugs under my skin. And say, (sighs, closes her eyes) I'm feelin' a little...
DAWN: What's wrong with you?
GLORY: Hey. (sighs, smiles) Hey! (straightens up) This doesn't have to be a complete waste of my precious time. (turns and walks back toward Dawn) I've been meaning to send the Slayer a message. And I could use a little pick-me-up. Two birds, one stone, and (claps her hands in front of Dawn's nose) Boom. (Dawn looks very scared) You have yummy dead birds. The door bursts open and Buffy enters, followed by the others.
BUFFY: Get away from my sister.
GLORY: Hey, we were just talking about you. (Dawn runs over behind Buffy)
BUFFY: Conversation's over, hell-bitch. Buffy punches Glory with a right, then a left, then ducks a punch, kicks Glory. Spike enters the room. Buffy and Glory grapple; Buffy spins her around and slams her into a display case. Glory kicks Buffy away. Shot of Dawn hiding behind a garbage can, watching the fight. Glory punches Buffy. Spike comes up behind Glory and grabs her, pinning her arms against her sides. She struggles. Buffy punches Glory in the face while Spike holds her.
SPIKE: I thought you said this skank was tough. Glory breaks free, grabs Spike's arm and flips him over, throwing him against a wall. She picks him up, head-butts him as Xander moves around behind them, holding a tire iron. Glory throws Spike and he slides across the exam table, crushing a bunch of medical equipment. He falls off the other side, lands against the wall unconscious. Buffy watches looking concerned. We can see Giles holding a crossbow.
GLORY: He wakes up, tell your boyfriend to watch his mouth. Buffy gets in Glory's face, glaring.
BUFFY: (very firmly) He is NOT my boyfriend. Giles tries to aim the crossbow, but Buffy is between him and Glory. Buffy begins punching Glory. We see Willow and Tara watching, both holding small leather bags and quietly chanting. Buffy tries to kick but Glory grabs her foot and looks at it.
GLORY: Hey, those are really nice shoes. Glory pushes Buffy's foot away. Buffy goes into a back-flip and kicks Glory in the face on the way down.
BUFFY: Giles, now! Buffy dives out of the way and Giles fires the crossbow. The arrow bounces off Glory's stomach. She looks annoyed.
GLORY: Oh, please. Like that's- Xander comes up behind her and hits her over the head with the tire iron.
GLORY: Hey! (grabs the tire iron and Xander) Watch the hair. She flings Xander away; he flies back into Giles and they both crash into the x-ray display screens, which explode, showering sparks over them and Dawn in her hiding place. Dawn shrieks and covers her head.
GLORY: (points the tire iron at each of them) Time to start the dyin'. (We hear Willow and Tara still chanting) Start with the whelp! Glory throws the tire iron like a javelin at Dawn.
BUFFY: Dawn! Buffy throws herself into the tire iron's path, letting it stab her in the upper chest as she falls to the ground. Dawn begins to crawl out toward her.
DAWN: Buffy!
BUFFY: Get back!
GLORY: Nice catch. Is that the best you little crap-gnats can muster? (Buffy pulls the tire iron out of herself with a grimace of pain) 'Cause I gotta tell ya, so not impressed. Glory walks in between Tara and Willow. They each throw a handful of glittery powder over her. It flutters down on her, covering her hair and body.
GLORY: (angry) Look what you did to my dress, you little-
WILLOW: (claps her hands once) Discede! (latin: "disperse" or "separate") Glory explodes into a cloud of dust and disappears. Willow falls to the floor.
TARA: Willow! (rushes over to her) Buffy stares, turns to Dawn.
BUFFY: Dawn. Buffy pulls Dawn over and hugs her, looking back at Willow and Tara.
BUFFY: What did you do to her?
WILLOW: (panting, nose bleeding) Teleportation spell. Still working out the kinks.
BUFFY: Where'd you send her?
WILLOW: Don't know. That's one of the kinks.
Cut to: exterior nighttime. Several hundred feet above Sunnydale. We can see the lights of the city below. A cloud of dust appears and materializes into Glory. She looks around, looks down.
GLORY: Oh, sh- Long shot of Glory as a ball of light streaking toward the ground. Cut back to hospital. Tara crouches by Willow as Giles comes over. We see Xander getting up also.
GILES: That was an incredibly ... dangerous spell for an adept at your level. (He and Tara help Willow sit up)
WILLOW: (dazed) Yep. Won't be trying that one again soon. Shot of Spike sitting up, looking annoyed. Buffy and Dawn sitting on the ground together.
BUFFY: Are you okay? Did she hurt you?
DAWN: Why do you care?
BUFFY: Because I love you. You're my sister.
DAWN: No I'm not.
BUFFY: Yes you are. (Lifts Dawn's arm, so we can see her arm and hand are still bloody) Look, it's blood. It's Summers blood. Buffy presses her hand against the tire-iron wound on her shoulder, wincing a little. She clasps her bloody hand in Dawn's bloody hand.
BUFFY: It's just like mine. It doesn't matter where you came from, or, or how you got here. You are my sister. (pause) There's no way you could annoy me so much if you weren't. Dawn looks at her for a moment, then hugs her tightly. They both get teary-eyed.
DAWN: I was so scared.
BUFFY: Me too. Shot of the others watching them.
BUFFY: Come on. Buffy and Dawn stand up.
DAWN: Wait. Ben. He was here, he was trying to help me. He... (stops, looks confused) I ... I think he might have left before Glory came ... (frowns) I can't, I can't remember.
BUFFY: (takes her hand again) It's okay. Don't worry about it. Next time we see him, we'll thank him. (Dawn still looking puzzled) I have to get you back home though. Mom's freaking out.
DAWN: (eyes widen) Oh. Is she mad about the whole fire thing?
BUFFY: I think you sorta have a get-out-of-jail-free card on account of big love and trauma.
DAWN: Really? Okay. Good. They start to walk out, holding hands.
DAWN: You think she'd raise my allowance?
BUFFY: Don't push it. Blackout.
Executive Producer: Joss Whedon. | Plan: A: Dawn; Q: Who discovers that she is the Key? A: her tale; Q: What does Dawn tell Ben? A: Glory; Q: Who decides Dawn doesn't know the Key's location? A: Ben's thoughts; Q: What does Glory not remember? Summary: Dawn discovers that she is the Key, becomes depressed, and runs away. She tells her tale to Ben, who morphs into Glory. Glory, not remembering Ben's thoughts, decides Dawn doesn't know the Key's location, and Willow and Tara teleport Glory elsewhere. |
(Open scene: A crowd is gathered in a large outdoor tent with a blue curtain drawn acrossed a stage. JIMMY WALPERT is standing on the stage in front of the curtain, holding a microphone.)
JIMMY WALPERT: Welcome ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls. Is there anyone here today who happens to like chocolate?
(Crowd cheers)
WALPERT: Of course you do! Then as your purveyor of pleasure, your dean of delight, I have something very special for you today. But first, everybody close your eyes. Today, Walpert Chocolate is proud and pleased to bring you the world's largest chocolate bar!
(WALPERT EMPLOYEE unveils chocolate bar from behind the curtain. Crowd applauds. WALPERT points to OFFICIALS, who nod)
WALPERT: Yes! It's official. This is the biggest, best-tasting chocolate bar in the world. Six feet wide, 15 feet long, and you are all going to get a gigantic taste of it.
(Crowd cheers. WALPERT EMPLOYEES start to saw into the chocolate bar)
WALPERT: Named the best in the bunch by Chocolatiere Monthly, our new, gigantically good chocolate bars are the latest in a long-standing Walpert Chocolate tradition of award-winning confections. Since 1948, we've...
(The saw has hit something in the chocolate, creating a grinding noise, and has stopped moving)
WALPERT EMPLOYEE: Saw's...stuck
(The crowd murmers while liquid starts to seep out of the chocolate bar)
SCOTT KIMPER: Something's wrong
WALPERT: Here, uh, let me give you a hand there.
(WALPERT attempts to move the saw, more liquid splatters on the ground. He applied more pressure with a grunt, and the candy bar opens, with red liquid pouring out of the center of the bar. The crowd screams and cover their noses. KIMPER gags. It was a body inside of the bar)
WALPERT: What is that?
(Cut to: Later that day, in the tent. CAMILLE SAROYAN and DR. BRENNAN are examining the remains while BOOTH stands behind them.)
CAM: Decomposition's almost complete. I don't know how I can separate the organic material from the chocolate.
BRENNAN: Oscoxa suggests female. The earliest stages of spondylosis indicate an age range in the late 20s.
BOOTH: Hey, maybe it's an OompaLoompa.
(He dances like an OompaLoompa. BRENNAN looks at him, then imitates the dance)
BRENNAN: I don't know what that is.
BOOTH: OompaLoompa. OompaLoompa.
CAM: Gasses that would normally be released into the air during decomposition were trapped in the hard chocolate, reducing the soft tissue to a putrid fluid.
(WALPERT and CHEF PERSON enter)
WALPERT: Agent Booth? I'm, uh, Jimmy Walpert. I'm sorry that I wasn't here, but I-I got a bit sick.
BOOTH: Well, that's no surprise there.
WALPERT: This is Scott.
KIMPER: Scott Kimper. K-I-M-P-E-R. Chief Chocolate Engineer.
BOOTH: Oh, I didn't know chocolate required engineering.
KIMPER: Making chocolate is a science unto itself.
BRENNAN: No, it's not. It's a technique which requires various scientific disciplines: physics, chemistry...
BOOTH: So you guys were both present when the body was discovered?
WALPERT: It was awful.
KIMPER: It didn't make any sense. I was there the day we poured.
WALPERT: So was I, and there certainly wasn't any (whispers) dead body.
BOOTH: Really? Well, it's not a secret now, is it, Mr. Walpert?
CAM: This is an awful lot of chocolate to pour.
KIMPER: I tempered our new formula to withstand additional humidity and loaded up a cement mixer.
BOOTH: When was that?
KIMPER: Tuesday morning. 10:00.
CAM: How long did it take to set?
KIMPER: I confirmed solidity on Thursday, 3:30 that afternoon. I can give you my notes.
WALPERT: I personally monitored it every eight hours. I saw nothing strange.
BOOTH: Do you have any security cameras here, any surveillance I can take a look at? Footage?
WALPERT: Just a temporary fence with a padlock for insurance purposes. You don't think that a child saw the chocolate and fell in?
BRENNAN: No. The victim appears to be an adult. Judging from this section of the pelvis, female, late twenties.
CAM: I'll tell you one thing I've noticed. That I'm sort of off chocolate.
(Credits.)
(Cut to the lab. The chocolate bar is on a scanner. BRENNAN and VINCENT NIGEL-MURRAY are looking at a screen, while CAM is working on a table close by, straining the remains from the fluid from the bar.)
NIGEL-MURRAY: You know, it was widely rumored that Pope Clement the 14th was killed with a cup of poisoned chocolate.
CAM: Was he a good pope or a bad pope?
NIGEL-MURRAY: He was no Urban the Sixth.
CAM: Oh, no. Of course not.
NIGEL-MURRAY: Oh, who, by the way, was the answer to my record-breaking Daily Double win on Jeopardy. The category, of course: Torture.
BRENNAN: Was that the game that you played while I was away?
CAM: It was more than just a game. Mr. Nigel-Murray won almost a million dollars.
NIGEL-MURRAY: Which, after travel, uh, an overindulgent lifestyle, the occasional game of chance and a, uh, a little stint in rehab, I uh...I no longer possess. But I do-I still have my memories. (whispers) Thailand...
BRENNAN: Reassembling the chocolate made it easier to scan, but the condition of these remains is far from ideal.
CAM: That's an understatement. Hey, rugal folds. Found a piece of stomach.
NIGEL-MURRAY: Is this a slight depression on the occipital?
BRENNAN: Yes. Perhaps she struck her head on the mold as someone held her down in the chocolate.
NIGEL-MURRAY: Which would mean that she was drowned.
BRENNAN: Certainly a possibility. Cam, can you analyze the lungs?
CAM: Lungs? There are no lungs.
NIGEL-MURRAY: Definitely looks like murder.
BRENNAN: There's nothing definite here, Mr. Nigel-Murray. It's possible the victim had a grand mal seizure while voluntarily lying in the chocolate.
CAM: But let's call it murder just for fun.
(ANGELA enters)
ANGELA: Why is it so cold in here? Holy crap. Look at the size of that thing.
BRENNAN: We turned the thermostat down so no chocolate would melt on the CT. It's on loan from Johns Hopkins.
CAM: Johns Hopkins. Almost forgot that. Another one for Michelle's short list.
ANGELA: I-I cannot believe she's already applying to colleges.
BRENNAN: Does Michelle know what she wants to study?
CAM: Marine Biology, Art History, Russian Literature...she's kind of all over the place. She's actually going to be here in a few minutes so we can go over our application strategies.
ANGELA: Don't you mean her application strategies?
CAM: Didn't I say that?
NIGEL-MURRAY: What's this here? On the right radius?
BRENNAN: Oh, looks like it may be perimortem sharp-force trauma, an injury sustained in the attack. But we'll know more when the bones are clean.
CAM: Just don't lose the chocolate.
BRENNAN: Dr. Hodgins can help you.
CAM: I sense a mess in our future. Speaking of which, I need to get cleaned up for Michelle.
NIGEL-MURRAY: Oh, you know, there are many fine universities in England-uh, Oxford and Cambridge, of course, but th-th-there's also-
CAM: You so much as mention leaving the country to my daughter, and I will choke you on your own trivia and stuff your lifeless body in a locker.
(CAM exits)
NIGEL-MURRAY: Then again, Georgetown's lovely.
ANGELA and BRENNAN: Mm-hmm.
BRENNAN: It's closer.
NIGEL-MURRAY: Closer.
(Cut to CAM and MICHELLE sitting at a table in the Jeffersonian, with a pile of papers in front of them)
CAM: Now, I know I promised that the decision was yours and yours alone, but I did send away for a few catalogs just to give you a sense of your options.
MICHELLE: A few?
CAM: Now, with your grades and SAT scores, plus extracurriculars, I truly think you have a shot at getting into any one of these schools. The trick is gonna be the essay question, and then talk about personal interviews later...
MICHELLE: Uh, Cam, I think I've already decided where I want to go.
CAM: Your top choice? That's great. Why don't we do this in tiers? Top choice, reach schools, safeties-
MICHELLE: Uh, no, I mean, I only want to apply to one school, early decision.
CAM: Wellesley?
MICHELLE: Central Maine State University.
CAM: Excuse-Central...Maine? That-that's a...
MICHELLE: State University, Pittsfield Campus.
CAM: I am not familiar with that university, but um, then again, I don't know much about the center of Maine.
MICHELLE: It's a small school, but it's got a great General Studies department. That way, I won't have to narrow down my interests.
CAM: General Studies.
MICHELLE: Mm-hmm. Derrick's already in because he got a football scholarship.
CAM: Ah. Derrick.
MICHELLE: Cam. Don't say his name like that.
CAM: I like Derrick, Michelle. I do. But this is your future. It's important.
MICHELLE: You said this was my decision. You told me you'd support me.
CAM: Yes, but when I see that you might be making a mistake-
MICHELLE: So you're not supporting me?
CAM: Unconditionally?
MICHELLE: You're right Cam. This is my future.
CAM: I'm sorry. Let's talk about-
MICHELLE: No. I got to go. I'll see you later.
(MICHELLE exits. Cut to the Royal Diner. BOOTH and BRENNAN are sitting at the counter.)
BOOTH: I've got to tell you, I don't think I've ever, ever quite seen anything like this.
BRENNAN: Well, anthropologically speaking, chocolate and violence often intersect. Take the ancient Aztecs. Cocoa pods were used in ritual to represent the human heart, while the seeds inside represented blood.
BOOTH: So, what's the deal with the body? Any news?
BRENNAN: Mr. Nigel-Murray is cleaning the bones as we speak. Some fractures appear to indicate a struggle. But we can't get a clear look until Hodgins and Mr. Nigel-Murray clean the bones.
BOOTH: They should lick them. Lick 'em clean.
BRENNAN: Licking would contaminate the osseous surface.
(Cell phone rings)
BOOTH: Joke, Bones. All right?Just a joke.All right?Sarcastic.
(BRENNAN answers her phone)
BRENNAN: Hello, Angela.
ANGELA: Hey. I just sent you the victim's facial reconstruction.
BRENNAN: Oh, convenient.
ANGELA: Yeah. Well, I ran it through Missing Persons, and nothing came up.
BRENNAN: All right. I'll-I'll show Booth. Thanks, Angela.
(BRENNAN shows BOOTH the victim's picture)
BOOTH: Yowza.
BRENNAN: "Yowza" was the early 20th century exclamation you use to indicate that you are responding sexually. The victim's nasal bridge reminds me of Hannah.
BOOTH: Her nose looks a little bit like Hannah.
BRENNAN: She away again? Is that why you're making sexually suggestive exclamations?
BOOTH: She's traveling with the president of the United States. She's in Munich until the weekend.
BRENNAN: I love Munich. Ichliebe Bayern! Und Sie?
BOOTH: So, Angela find any missing persons?
BRENNAN: Ja. Abersiefandkeine...No match.
BOOTH: No match. So, you know what? Let's just do this the old-fashioned way.
BRENNAN: Hey, Booth. Yowza. That was very funny.
BOOTH: Yeah.
BRENNAN: It was. It was objectively very amusing.
BOOTH: I'm laughing all the way to the door.
(BOOTH exits)
BRENNAN: (laughing) Yowza.
(Cut to the lab. ANGELA is working on the Angelator. HODGINS enters.)
HODGINS: How's my sweet thing and her precious cargo?
ANGELA: Oh, we're fine. We're just cleaning up the 3D images of the remains. I think he really likes 3D. If-if by "cargo" you're implying that I already resemble a container ship, let me warn you, you ain't seen nothing yet.
HODGINS: I can't wait until we start to tell people. I think we should tell people now. Okay?
ANGELA: Yeah. Sure. Yeah. Um, you know, I'll tell Cam when I see her.
HODGINS: No. This is a big deal. We need to throw a party. I mean, like, tomorrow night, Founding Fathers. We'll get food. Some drinks. I mean, everyone will be so excited for us. I can't wait to see their faces.
ANGELA: Me neither. How about if I invite everybody? I'm afraid that you're gonna give it away.
HODGINS: Yes, good point.
ANGELA: Yeah.
HODGINS: Sure. Good.
ANGELA: Ok.
(CAM enters)
Hodgins: Um...Angela's got something to ask you.
(HODGINS exits)
ANGELA: Hodgins wants to make a big announcement and tell everybody that I am pregnant.
CAM: But everyone already knows.
ANGELA: I know, but Hodgins doesn't know that, because he wanted it to be his surprise. You didn't say anything, did you?
CAM: Oh, no. No one did.
ANGELA: Okay, good. Well, everybody's just gonna have to act surprised, and it they can't pull it off, then they just have to not come. They have to make up an excuse.
CAM: Sounds like a plan.
ANGELA: Okay, can you do it? Founding Fathers tomorrow night.
CAM: Wait. Founding Fathers? I love Founding Fathers! How was that? Convincing?
ANGELA: Yes, that was...that was...Thank you. Yeah.
(CAM exits. Cut to the Walpert Chocolate factory. WALPERT is walking BOOTH and BRENNAN through the factory.)
WALPERT: Oh, my God, this is Harriet Soloway.
BRENNAN: Does she work here?
WALPERT: Yes, in R&D. Scott!
(KIMPER enters)
KIMPER: Did you find out what happened?
WALPERT: The dead body is Harriet Soloway!
KIMPER: Harriet?! My God! I thought she was at the Cocoa Bean Symposium in Baltimore.
WALPERT: So did I.
BOOTH: Right. So, when was the last time you saw her?
KIMPER: Um, Monday morning staff meeting.
BRENNAN: You said that the chocolate was poured on Tuesday, and that it was hard by Thursday?
KIMPER: That's right
BOOTH: I'm gonna need to know all the people who had access to the chocolate during that period.
KIMPER: I know my employees, Agent Booth. Nobody would ever just dump her body in the chocolate bar.
BRENNAN: There's no evidence to indicate the body was placed in the chocolate as a means of disposal. The evidence suggests she was killed there.
WALPERT: Death by chocolate? Oh, the press will have a field day with that.
BOOTH: Do you guys have any personnel files? We're going to have to notify next of kin.
KIMPER: I think she has a sister in Virginia. Um, I'll get you her file.
(KIMPER exits)
WALPERT: I'd like to offer a reward of $50,000 to anyone who helps us catch the murderer.
BRENNAN: That's very generous of you.
WALPERT: Payable in a lifetime supply of Walpert Chocolate.
BOOTH: Right, I'm guessing the ones with the gooey center? Hey (laughs).
(Cut to the lab. NIGEL-MURRAY is holding a tub full of hairdryers)
NIGEL-MURRAY: Your thesis is wrong, Dr. Hodgins. We should use the blow dryers. It's a more gentle process.
(HODGINS is setting up heat lamps around the chocolate)
HODGINS: I am the lead on this, Vincent, as well as the king of this lab. Now, the lights will melt the chocolate evenly and won't damage any evidence trapped inside.
NIGEL-MURRAY: Yes, yes, but with the hairdryers, we can localize the heat distribution. Tests supporting this have been conducted in Michoacan, Mexico.
HODGINS: I'm going to turn the lamps on now to melt the chocolate and to stop you from talking.
(HODGINS turns on the lamps. CAM enters)
CAM: Ooh, stop! Turn the lamps off. Turn the lamps off.
(HODGINS turns off the lamps)
HODGINS: What is going on?
CAM: I was going over Angela's 3-D images of the remains, and I found something. Okay. See these circles?
NIGEL-MURRAY: It looks like intestinal gas.
CAM: It's bubbles in the chocolate. Two big bubbles, trapped right here, 25 and 39 millimeters above the victim's mandible.
HODGINS: Are you saying the chocolate trapped the victim's final breath?
CAM: Well, I'm no expert in viscosity, but-
NIGEL-MURRAY: I am. I am. In fact, on-on Jeopardy-
HODGINS: Oh, make your point.
NIGEL-MURRAY: In any endothermic reaction, the surface molecules are always the first to become stable. Therefore, it's possible that a gaseous bubble could form in the warmer liquid, but become trapped against the solid surface.
CAM: I couldn't get any useful data from the soft tissue, so the bubbles are all I've got. If they melt away...
HODGINS: But we have to melt the chocolate in order to get any information from the bones.
NIGEL-MURRAY: Yeah, but first, we can cut out these sections and freeze them until we discover a way to extract the gas trapped in the bubbles.
CAM: Excellent. Do it. Mr. Nigel-Murray, if I didn't have self-control, I would kiss you.
(CAM exits)
HODGINS: No interesting facts off that?
NIGEL-MURRAY: Huh? Yeah, yeah. In fact, the-the satisfaction that human beings take from fantasizing is...Its directly related to...No, I don't. Uh-uh. There's no facts on...
(Cut to a conference room in the FBI building. BOOTH is sitting with GENEVA SOLOWAY)
SOLOWAY: Yes, that's my sister. I wondered why she wasn't calling me back.
BOOTH: When was the last time you guys spoke?
SOLOWAY: I don't know. A few months ago? We, um...we should have talked more. We were both so busy, we just let our lives get away from us. Are you sure it's Harriet?
BOOTH: Well, according to the Jeffersonian, yeah. Um, are you aware of any problems she may have had? Any enemies at the chocolate factory?
SOLOWAY: No. Chocolate? What?
BOOTH: Are you familiar with Walpert Chocolate?
SOLOWAY: Walpert Chocolate? No.
BOOTH: According to the company, she'd been working there for several months, right after she graduated from culinary school.
SOLOWAY: Culinary school? Harriet went to Penn State. This is a mistake.
BOOTH: According to her résumé, she went to the Arrow Culinary Academy, followed by an internship at a prestigious chocolatier in New York.
SOLOWAY: Can I see that?
BOOTH: Sure.
SOLOWAY: These are all lies. They're all...lies. That is her picture, and that's her name, but this résumé? This isn't her.
(Cut to LANCE SWEETS' office. SWEETS is sitting across from BOOTH, and is eating a chocolate bar)
SWEETS: So, she lied to get her job?
BOOTH: Extensively.
SWEETS: It's bold, but it doesn't necessarily mean she's pathological. Maybe she just loved chocolate.
BOOTH: You have to eat that? I just imagine you chomping down on her cheek or something. Can you just put it away?
SWEETS: If we don't face and overcome unsettling events in life, we are ruled by them. I'm not gonna let some ruthless killer destroy my enjoyment of chocolate. It's not gonna happen. I love chocolate too much.
BOOTH: Give me this thing.
(BOOTH grabs the chocolate bar and throws it away.)
SWEETS: Come on! I was about to get to the nuts.
BOOTH: Her sister, Geneva said that Harriet didn't even like chocolate. She said that she lied about getting this job and every other job. So I basically tracked down her actual employment records through her Social Security number, and she not only changed jobs every year, she hopped industries.
SWEETS: It looks like she created a new résumé for each position. Here she says she's "a world-renowned expert in the field of couture bustiers." Lingerie. Like a bra, only...pretty great, actually. They're very sexy. Sort of squeeze the... Uh, so you're saying that all the résumés are filled with false information?
BOOTH: Cosmetic rep, toy company, outreach specialist, whatever that is.
SWEETS: It's fascinating. I mean, obviously, our victim is intelligent. These résumés are perfectly tailored to make her an ideal candidate.
BOOTH: Geneva said that Harriet was probably lying just for the fun of it.
SWEETS: When someone lies with this sort of ease in their professional relationships, chances are they lie at least as much in their personal relationships.
BOOTH: Well, maybe she just lied to the wrong person.
(Cut to the lab. CAM and ANGELA are standing on either side of a table that has a piece of the chocolate bar on it ANGELA is holding the wand of an ultrasound machine to the chocolate.)
CAM: I should be able to use the syringe to extract the gas and any aerated fluid.
ANGELA: Ooh! Bubbles.
CAM: Now the trick is jabbing them.
ANGELA: Yeah, sometimes I use this thing on myself to check on the baby. Just say hi. Totally unethical, I know.
CAM: Extremely, but so cool. My daughter wants to be a fighting hagfish.
ANGELA: For what, a costume party?
CAM: No, it's the mascot of Central Maine State University, where Michelle says she's going next year.
ANGELA: Oh. Good for her. I love Maine.
CAM: She's following a boy, Angela. I mean, you're a hedonistic, free spirit, artist type, and even you didn't do that.
ANGELA: Thank you for the personality assessment. Yeah, I went to a good school because I chose to. Nobody made me. You should let Michelle make her own decisions, Cam. I mean, she is almost an adult.
CAM: Almost. That's the key word here. I need to guide her, but she hates me for doing it.
ANGELA: Well, maybe you should talk to Sweets.
CAM: Sweets? Why would I do that?
ANGELA: He might be able to help you deal with Michelle.
CAM: I don't want to talk to a child about a child.
ANGELA: Okay.
(Cut to NIGEL-MURRAY examining the skeleton. BRENNAN enters)
NIGEL-MURRAY: I measured the contusion we found on the skull. It matches the width of the edge of the mold they used to form the chocolate bar.
BRENNAN: Very good work. That reinforces the theory that the victim was held down with some degree of force.
NIGEL-MURRAY: And suffocated. The cartilage of the septum has been crushed, and there's another hairline fracture on the frontal process of the maxilla.
BRENNAN: Pressure fractures on the margins of the orbits. Their directionality definitely suggests Harriet was suffocated while submerged, which is in keeping with Cam's postulation that the chocolate captured her last breath. Huh. This is odd.
NIGEL-MURRAY: The radial trauma?
BRENNAN: I originally believed it to be perimortem, but look. The remodeling was obscured by pseudoarthrosis. This injury happened about five or six months before she died. See? Remodeling on each edge. The limb must not have been properly immobilized after injury.
NIGEL-MURRAY: So, the bone didn't fully calcify, leaving the appearance of a fresh wound.
BRENNAN: But that wouldn't have happened to anyone who had access to modern medical treatment.
NIGEL-MURRAY: Well, maybe six months ago, she didn't have access to treatment, or she chose to deny it for some reason.
(Cut to CAM bringing syringes on a tray to HODGINS)
HODGINS: Ooh! Those the bubbles?
CAM: Point seven two cc's and one point three three cc's.
HODGINS: Wow.
CAM: How's the chocolate coming?
HODGINS: Done. I sifted through all 1,873 gallons of it. Nothing but the usual.Ant torsos, spider legs, rodent hairs.
CAM: Whoa, that's the usual?
HODGINS: Yeah. FDA permits 60 insect fragments and one rodent hair per 100 grams.
CAM: Lovely.
HODGINS: Yeah. Uh, hey, so are you, are you, uh, you coming tomorrow night?
CAM: Yes.
HODGINS: Angela asked you?
CAM: Yes, she did, and yes, I am coming.
HODGINS: Good.
CAM: It's just a fun night.
HODGINS: Yeah.
CAM: With friends.
HODGINS: Mm-hmm.
CAM: It sounds good. Let me know as soon as you get the results on those, okay?
HODGINS: Yes! Yes.
(Cut to BOOTH and BRENNAN in an SUV. BOOTH is talking on the phone.)
BOOTH: Great. Thanks.
(BOOTH hangs up)
BOOTH: So, that was the Human Resources department at the bra place. Turns out, wherever Harriet Soloway went, she had quite the reputation.
BRENNAN: What, for lying?
BOOTH: No, for seducing men.
BRENNAN: Yowza!
BOOTH: Okay. You know, that whole yowza thing, that's really not necessary.
BRENNAN: So you're implying that Harriet might have been sexually involved with a Walpert employee?
BOOTH: Well, I looked through her phone records, and I didn't see any evidence of it, but the last place she worked-Bellomo Sparkling Wines...
(BRENNAN cringes)
BOOTH: What?
BRENNAN: I had a very bad experience drinking Bellomo Sparkling Wine.
BOOTH: Yeah, who hasn't? Right? Anyways, Harriet had a relationship with the owner, Lawrence Bellomo, and apparently it didn't end very well.
BRENNAN: What happened?
BOOTH: Well, six months ago, she filed a complaint with her carrier. She was receiving harassing phone calls from a private number. Turns out they were coming from Bellomo.
(BRENNAN's phone rings)
BRENNAN: Brennan.
CAM: We have the results from the first bubble.
HODGINS: There's an extremely high concentration of carbon dioxide.
BRENNAN: So she did exhale while submerged.
CAM: There are also traces of oxygen, nitrogen, hydrochloric acid, acetic acid, oenanthic acid, decanoic acid, glycerine, glucose, ethanol...
HODGINS: It was a postmortem eructation.
BOOTH: Oh, god. That sounds bad.
CAM: It's a burp.
BOOTH: A burp? Corpses burp?
HODGINS: Yeah. Isn't that awesome?
BRENNAN: The combination of acids and sugar sounds like ingredients.
CAM: It's champagne.
HODGINS: So I went to the liquor store and I bought every brand available. We ran it through the GC Mass Spec to compare their volatile composition.
BOOTH: Ah. Bellomo Sparkling Wine.
HODGINS: Damn.
CAM: How did you know?
BRENNAN: It could just be coincidence.
BOOTH: Well, could be, but we should still ask Lawrence Bellomo a few questions.
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Cut to the interrogation room. LAWRENCE BELLOMO is being questioned by BOOTH and BRENNAN.)
BELLOMO: Just because she was drinking Bellomo does not mean I was drinking Bellomo with her. Everybody drinks Bellomo.
BOOTH: Everybody drinks Bellomo once, Mr. Bellomo. Phone records show that you were calling Harriet repeatedly.
BELLOMO: I just wanted to talk to her, all right? I was having a hard time.
BOOTH: Why? Because she broke up with you?
BELLOMO: That and my business. Everything was going wrong at the same time. You know what I'm saying? A perfect storm.
BOOTH: Yeah. What happened?
BELLOMO: Well, I hired Harriet about a year ago. We started seeing each other, and I thought we were gonna get married. Six months later, out of the blue, she dumps me. Quits. Says she needs her space. What the hell does that even mean?
BRENNAN: Nothing. Space being neutral; or in some cases, negative, can't be acquired, therefore-
BOOTH: Just go on. Continue.
BELLOMO: Well, because having a broken heart's not bad enough, a month later, I lost the contract with my biggest distributor.
BOOTH: How much do you know about her personal life? Her history?
BELLOMO: What she told me. And her sister. I know her sister too. "Knew" her.
BOOTH: You slept with her sister?
BELLOMO: We had a little fling. That's how I met Harriet. She was staying at Geneva's for a couple of days, and she needed a job and...she had an impressive résumé.
BOOTH: You dumped Geneva?
BELLOMO: Yeah, well good thing too. Geneva was nuts. When she heard I was with Harriet, she went insane. You know that woman waited for me in a tree outside my house? She almost took out my eye. Those girls hate each other's guts.
(Cut to SOLOWAY in the interrogation room with BOOTH)
BOOTH: Why didn't you tell us about Lawrence Bellomo?
SOLOWAY: Lawrence is-is ancient history. Did he kill Harriet?
BOOTH: I'll ask the questions. You were jealous of your sister, weren't you?
SOLOWAY: What are you getting at Agent Booth? Because I don't think I like it.
BOOTH: Well, Harriet was beautiful; led more of an exciting life. You, on the other hand, led a more...
SOLOWAY: Boring? Are you saying my life is boring? So-so I whacked my sister?
BOOTH: I'm just thinking, you know, Harriet stole your boyfriend last year. She probably stole your boyfriend last week. So you got upset, and you whacked her.
SOLOWAY: Okay, I got a little crazy when Lawrence dumped me, but I just couldn't believe he fell for her act.
BOOTH: Her act?
SOLOWAY: Harriet was a phony. Ever since we were little, she would manipulate people to get whatever she wanted. No one knew. Everyone loved her. So-so yeah, you're right, I was jealous. But I would never hurt her.
BOOTH: She was stabbed in the arm six months ago. Do you know who may have done that?
SOLOWAY: Her arm? I don't know. She probably deserved it. But it wasn't me. I hated her, sure, but...I didn't kill her.
(Cut to the bone room in the Jeffersonian. NIGEL-MURRAY and BRENNAN are talking)
NIGEL-MURRAY: Interestingly, the cacao tree is a species of the genus Theobroma, which translates from the Latin as the "food of the gods."
BRENNAN: What would actually be interesting is an explanation of the perimortem fractures, Mr. Nigel-Murray.
NIGEL-MURRAY: Of course. They support our scenario of the attack. With one hand the killer held the victim down, fracturing the clavicle and the sternum, whilst suffocating her with the other hand.
BRENNAN: Anything else?
NIGEL-MURRAY: Oh, yes. I took a closer look at the antemortem trauma that somehow escaped medical care. There is a very small proliferative lesion on the distal edge of the fracture.
BRENNAN: It's an adventitious cyst. The compromised bone formed a callus around a foreign object that was embedded in the open wound. Do you have this on x ray?
NIGEL-MURRAY: Yes.
BRENNAN: It looks like a small rock.
NIGEL-MURRAY: Oh! Rock was the subject of my only disputed Jeopardy answer.
BRENNAN: Is this relevant, Mr. Nigel-Murray?
NIGEL-MURRAY: The category was "Famous Jameses." The question: "He is widely considered the best rock guitarist of all time." So, obviously, my answer: "Who is Jimmy Page?" No. It's not the response. The response they were looking for: "Who is Jimi Hendrix?"
BRENNAN: Mr. Nigel-Murray.
NIGEL-MURRAY: I know. I know. Jimi Hendrix. First of all, Jimmy Page is a better musician. That's a fact. Also, Jimi Hendrix? His original birth name is Johnny. So he doesn't, doesn't even belong in the category.
BRENNAN: That wasn't relevant at all, Mr. Nigel-Murray. Take a microslice of the cyst and have Dr. Hodgins identify the foreign object.
(BRENNAN exits)
NIGEL-MURRAY: Jimmy Page is always relevant.
(Cut to SWEETS' office. CAM is sitting across from SWEETS)
SWEETS: Well, you're here so you must want my honest opinion.
CAM: I guess so.
SWEETS: I think you're overreacting, Dr. Saroyan.
CAM: Overreacting? D-Do...Are shrinks even allowed to use that word? Okay, so why am I overreacting?
SWEETS: I have a friend, Tim Swift, who was the golden boy in my high school. He got into Harvard but dropped out after the first semester. Wound up in some community college where he majored in weed. Today, he manages a five-billion-dollar charitable trust that's saved thousands of lives.
CAM: I'm sorry. You lost me at "majoring in weed."
SWEETS: The late teens and early twenties are a time for experimentation and growth. And, you know, making a few mistakes is just part of that process.
CAM: Oh, you're making it worse.
SWEETS: It's not that I think that college isn't a big deal-of course it is-but come on. This is Michelle we're talking about. She's an exceptional young woman.
CAM: She is which is why she deserves to go to an exceptional school. This decision-
SWEETS: It's probably going to change, anyway. You know, she and Derrick will have a fight, or she'll start to feel left out when her friends visit schools. I don't think this is a done deal.
CAM: Applications are due in a few months. What if she realizes too late? I'm responsible for her, Dr. Sweets.
SWEETS: Well, you know, it may not unfold the way you'd like it to, but Michelle is a smart and wonderful young woman worthy of your trust. Let this play itself out.
CAM: I don't know if I can do that.
SWEETS: I do. You've been a great mother to her.
CAM: Remind me again why I should listen to someone who doesn't even take care of a pet.
SWEETS: Right. I sponsor a water buffalo in the Philippines.
CAM: (laughs) And I suppose you wouldn't get in the way of her decisions.
SWEETS: Oh, I wouldn't get in her way, period.
(Cut to the bone room, where NIGEL-MURRAY is examining the skeleton, and making notes on a clipboard. HODGINS enters)
HODGINS: You made my day, Vincent. Thank you.
NIGEL-MURRAY: Was it the vivid recounting of my debauched weekend in Rio? Or was it that juicy little morsel regarding SeñorTrebek?
HODGINS: Both entertaining. But what really does it for me is that foreign object you gave me to I.D. It's a bug. Helopeltistheobromae.
NIGEL-MURRAY: The object we found lodged inside the bone was an insect?
HODGINS: Most of one. It's part of the Miridae family. It's found primarily in Indonesia.
NIGEL-MURRAY: I'll go and tell Dr. Brennan.
HODGINS: Well, when you do, make sure you tell her the best part. One of the little guy's favorite snacks?Cocao plants.
(Cut to BRENNAN and BOOTH sitting at a table in the FBI building with papers strewn all over the table)
BRENNAN: The evidence shows that Harriet was in Indonesia six months ago. Probably on a cocoa plantation, which would explain the insect.
BOOTH: Wait a second, here we go. Indonesia. Cocoa.
BRENNAN: Yes.
BOOTH: Ha! Ha! Ambrosia Chocolates. Remember them?
BRENNAN: Yes. They're expensive.
BOOTH: Yeah.
BRENNAN: And delicious. I love the cream center, although not that much anymore.
BOOTH: Every Ambrosia employee is sent down to Indonesia to take part in this immersion program to study about cocoa.
BRENNAN: But Harriet didn't work for Ambrosia Chocolates.
BOOTH: Look at all the companies, okay, that she worked for after she quit. They all took a hit. Remember Bellomo Wines?
BRENNAN: Yes. Lawrence Bellomo said that he lost a major distributor of his wine.
BOOTH: Every company that Harriet worked for was a victim of corporate espionage.
BRENNAN: Walpert was developing a new line of chocolate.
BOOTH: Ambrosia sends Harriet to Indonesia...
BRENNAN: Because Ambrosia is her real employer. Harriet was a spy.
BOOTH: Yowza.
BRENNAN: Yowza.
(Cut to a conference room in the FBI building. GAIL SLEVIN is sitting at a table. BOOTH enters)
BOOTH: So, Gail Slevin, is it? Right. As president of Ambrosia Chocolates, you have been trying to buy out Walpert for years, that right?
SLEVIN: We've made some overtures. It's not really a priority.
BOOTH: Um, from my count, six overtures. Walpert has not bitten. That must have been frustrating, right?
SLEVIN: Not really. Just business.
BOOTH: Just business? Right? Are you familiar with the Economic Espionage Act?
SLEVIN: No, why would I be?
BOOTH: Well, you know if I find proof that you've illegally obtained a competitor's trade secrets, you're looking at at least ten years in prison.
SLEVIN: I agreed to come down here to discuss the accident at Walpert's factory. Suddenly I need a lawyer?
BOOTH: Well, it wasn't an accident, you see. It was murder. And we have proof that the victim worked for you and has been since she entered your immersion program six months ago. See, Harriet was a spy.
SLEVIN: Am I here because you think I killed her, Agent Booth?
BOOTH: Well, if you didn't, you might want to cooperate. It might make negotiating a plea on that espionage charge a little easier.
SLEVIN: Harriet entered the immersion program just like everybody else so that she seemed just like any other employee.
BOOTH: How did she hurt her arm?
SLEVIN: Happened during the harvesting part of the program. Go hand machetes to 16 Ivy League graduates. See what happens. She sliced herself, it got infected. The plantation's in a remote area, so it was impossible to get sophisticated medical care.
BOOTH: All in the name of chocolate?
SLEVIN: This is a competitive business, Agent Booth. Billions of dollars are at stake. Harriet was hired at Walpert to find the company's weaknesses.
BOOTH: And maybe steal some trade secrets along the way.
SLEVIN: She called me last week, whispering in the phone saying she was gonna quit.
BOOTH: Did she say why?
SLEVIN: She thought Jimmy Walpert was onto her. I told her to be careful. Jimmy has a temper.
(Cut to the lab. CAM is working on the computer. MICHELLE enters)
MICHELLE: Cam?
CAM: Oh. Hey. I'm just, uh, working on some disgusting stuff here.
MICHELLE: Uh, Derrick flew up to Maine this week to sign his letter of intent. He brought this back for me.
(MICHELLE holds up a sweatshirt with the University of Central Maine mascot on it)
CAM: He's actually a much cuter mascot than I imagined.
MICHELLE: I was hoping you'd take it. Maybe even wear it once in a while? I just...I still want you to be proud of me.
CAM: Oh, Michelle. I-I'm extremely proud of you. And I'm so sorry I haven't been supportive. This is your decision, and you have my support. One hundred percent.
MICHELLE: Thank you.
CAM: Go, Hagfish!
MICHELLE: I'll see you at home.
(MICHELLE exits)
CAM: Okay. Okay.
(NIGEL-MURRAY enters)
NIGEL-MURRAY: Dr. Saroyan, have you a minute?
(Cut to the bone examination room)
NIGEL-MURRAY: Interestingly, English Quakers believed that violence among the poor would be ameliorated if they could be persuaded to give up alcohol in favor of chocolate.
CAM: I thought you had something to show me.
NIGEL-MURRAY: Oh, yes, yes. I found another perimortem injury. The fourth finger on the left hand. An asymmetry in the articular condyle with damage to the corresponding facet.
CAM: What does that mean, a dislocated finger?
NIGEL-MURRAY: Twisted. And dislocated. Very near the time of death, yes.
CAM: Huh. That's not a typical defensive wound. Nor does it seem to factor into our suffocation scenario. I'll make sure to tell Dr. Brennan. Very good work.
NIGEL-MURRAY: Also, very very-
CAM: Last one, Mr. Nigel-Murray. Make it good.
NIGEL-MURRAY: Right. Milton Hershey, who had great success spreading chocolate amongst the masses, was also a -drumroll please. You're not gonna...? Very well, I'll do it myself. (drumrolls) A Quaker.
CAM: Huh. That's actually sort of interesting.
(Cut to the Walpert Chocolate Factory. BOOTH and BRENNAN are walking through the factory, while WALPERT is talking to an employee.)
BOOTH: Gail Selvin admitted Harriet was a spy, and she was scared.
BRENNAN: Of what?
WALPERT: It's your job to keep a lid on this Melissa! I mean, look at this article! And what about the other chocolate blogs!
BOOTH: Mr. Walpert?
WALPERT: Not now!
BOOTH: Excuse me?
WALPERT: You and your investigation are costing me big time! Now get the hell off of my property before I call the dogs.
BRENNAN: What is he talking about?
BOOTH: I don't know. Are you threatening a federal officer?
WALPERT: Oh, back off! I mean it!
BOOTH: Okay, you know what? You are under arrest. You have the right to remain silent, and if I were you, I would, pal. You believe this guy?
(Cut to an interrogation room in the FBI building. BOOTH and BRENNAN are interrogating WALPERT)
BOOTH: You knew what Harriet was doing, so you drowned her and left her for dead.
BRENNAN: Suffocated her. His hand was over her mouth.
BOOTH: Right. Got it, Bones. So, when did you discover that Harriet was working for Gail Slevin?
WALPERT: What? That little bitch! What did she tell them?
BOOTH: Calm down.
WALPERT: Don't tell me to calm down. This business is my life! Get Scott in here! If he showed her anything, if he showed her one damned slip of paper!
BRENNAN: What does Scott have to do with this?
WALPERT: He's the chocolatier. I handle the business, but he oversees all of the new formulations. I'm, I'm just the face, like the Colonel, but my suit is way nicer. No string tie or anything.
BOOTH: Did Harriet spend a lot of time with Mr. Kimper?
WALPERT: You think I give a crap? I hope so. Scott's wife is....a horse. You could actually put a saddle on her. And Harriet was, uh, quite a tease.
(Cut to BOOTH's office. BOOTH and BRENNAN are sitting at Booth's desk)
BOOTH: Old Scott doesn't hold back on the credit card charges. Take a look at that charge.
BRENNAN: MinuteDivorce.com.
BOOTH: Filed online last Sunday.
BRENNAN: The same day that he spend $12.99 at the liquor store. Bellomo sparkling wine, I imagine.
BOOTH: And $2,000 for an engagement ring.
BRENNAN: Which he yanked off her finger, dislocating it.
BOOTH: I'm telling you, all of the evidence points back to Scott Kimper.
BRENNAN: But, unfortunately, it's just circumstantial.
(Cut to the lab. CAM is filling out an application for Johns Hopkins. HODGINS enters.)
HODGINS: Got the analysis of the latest air bubble. It's good news.
CAM: Let's see.
HODGINS: Is this Michelle's essay to Johns Hopkins?
CAM: Yes.
HODGINS: It's very good.
CAM: It is.
HODGINS: I thought she wasn't applying to any other school besides...Oh. You're writing Michelle's...Oh, that's bad. I mean, that's just wrong.
CAM: No, Dr. Hodgins. That is being a mother, and I assume I can trust your discretion?
HODGINS: Of course...Mom.
(HODGINS exits, tsking)
(Cut to BRENNAN's office. CAM enters)
CAM: We just got the results back from the second bubble we found trapped in the chocolate.
BRENNAN: You mean the eructation.
CAM: This one wasn't a burp. It was her final exhalation. It contained oxygen, nitrogen, carbon dioxide, and a trace amount of blood.
BRENNAN: Harriet's blood.
CAM: Not Harriet's blood. Someone else's.
BRENNAN: If it was her final exhalation, then it must belong to the person who was with her when she died.
CAM: Yes. We have the killer.
(Cut to the interrogation room. KIMPER is being interrogated.)
KIMPER: She said she loved me. I trusted her.
BOOTH: Well, you weren't the first.
BRENNAN: She worked for Ambrosia Chocolate.
KIMPER: I shared everything with her-my recipes, everything. If she hadn't been inside, that would have been the best chocolate bar you ever had.
(Cut to a street in Washington D.C. BOTH and BRENNAN are walking on the sidewalk)
BRENNAN: He killed her because he loved her?
BOOTH: Oh, he fell in love with a fake. He found out, he couldn't handle it.
BRENNAN: Love is an idiot.
BOOTH: What?
BRENNAN: I was personifying a concept. It's poetic. How does someone fall in love with something that isn't even real?
BOOTH: Oh, that's a big question, 'cause you're just going to say that it's your brain releasing chemicals that just drive you crazy. I'm not even going there. You know what? I'm not gonna have this conversation.
BRENNAN: But you admit that love is an idiot, right?
BOOTH: Yup (phone rings) Oh, look at that. Uh, Hannah's back. Um, you know, this whole thing that we're going to here...
BRENNAN: The official announcement that Angela is pregnant?
BOOTH: Yeah, I feel, um...I feel pretty stupid pretending.
BRENNAN: You're trying to find a justification so you can go home and have s*x with Hannah, right?
BOOTH: Yeah. Plus, we already all know anyway.
BRENNAN: But Hodgins doesn't know we know.
BOOTH: Yeah, but Angela says if you can't pretend not knowing, then you shouldn't go, so I shouldn't go.
BRENNAN: If you want, I can lie to all of our friends and say that you have pressing FBI business.
BOOTH: I don't like the idea of lying to our friends, but I'm going to go with it, thanks.
BRENNAN: Tell Hannah, welcome home.
(Cut to Founding Father's Bar. The squints are all sitting around a table.)
HODGINS: Do you think everyone's here?
(ANGELA looks at the table)
CAM: Just react to something big.
ANGELA: Yes, I do. Just go ahead.
HODGINS: Okay. All right.Um, hello everyone.Uh, all four of you.Our friends. Um, thank you so much for coming out tonight to hear our big announcement. Maybe you've already guessed?
CAM: Nope!
BRENNAN: No.
ANGELA: Okay, um, well, what we'd like to share with all of your is, um...
HODGINS: Yes, our-our best friends. Good, um. Vincent, what's the matter?
NIGEL-MURRAY: I beg of you not look at me directly. Please just say what you've come to say.
HODGINS: Okay, yeah. Um. Ready?
ANGELA: Yes.
HODGINS: Angela and I are going to have a baby!
BRENNAN: A baby! Yay!
CAM: Congratulations!
BRENNAN: Wonderful! A baby!
CAM: That is so awesome!
BRENNAN: Baby!
CAM: So good!
BRENNAN: Wonderful!
HODGINS: Stop. You knew, didn't you?
BRENNAN: No.
CAM: No. Uh-uh.
BRENNAN: We didn't.
SWEETS: About what?
NIGEL-MURRAY: No, I was surprised.
HODGINS: Mm-mm. They knew.
ANGELA: No. No. They didn't...They didn't know. Did you know?
GROUP: Nope. Uh-uh.
HODGINS: That's why no one else is here. Because you told them if they couldn't fake surprise, not ot show up.
BRENNAN: I-I think we were very convincing.
CAM: I actually felt like I was hearing it for the first time.
HODGINS: I can't believe you told them without me.
ANGELA: I didn't tell them honey, they guessed.Didn't you guys guess on your own?
SWEETS: Yeah.
ANGELA: Yes. Yeah, it was the glow, or the vomiting, or something, but the point is, is that we're all together, and you guys are all very happy for us, right?
BRENNAN: That part is true.
SWEETS: To the Hodgins family!
NIGEL-MURRAY: To the Hodgins...Montenegro...
BRENNAN: To the Montenegro, Hodgins family.
NIGEL-MURRAY: And the wee one!
HODGINS: To our family. Yay! To our family.
CAM: I'm so glad that's over!
END. | Plan: A: human remains; Q: What is discovered in the world's largest chocolate bar? A: a "sweet" event; Q: What was the initial reaction of the candymaker to the discovery of human remains in the world's largest chocolate bar? A: eccentric chocolate factory owner Jimmy Walpert; Q: Who is the candymaker who discovers the remains of a human in a chocolate bar? A: a mysterious character; Q: Who was the victim of the chocolate bar tragedy? A: Cam; Q: Who struggles with her daughter's decision to attend a university that fails to meet her high standards? A: Hodgins; Q: Who asks Angela to arrange a party to announce her pregnancy? A: her not-so-secret pregnancy; Q: What does Hodgins want Angela to announce? Summary: When human remains are discovered in the world's largest chocolate bar, a "sweet" event for a candymaker quickly turns bitter. As eccentric chocolate factory owner Jimmy Walpert deals with the tragedy, the team soon discovers that the victim was a mysterious character whose past is full of secrets, lies and love affairs. Meanwhile, Cam struggles with her daughter's decision to attend a university that fails to meet her high standards, and Hodgins asks Angela to arrange a party to announce her not-so-secret pregnancy. |
[EXT. LAS VEGAS (STOCK) - NIGHT]
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. BATHROOM - NIGHT]
(A woman is preparing to take a bath. She wraps a towel around her naked body. She removes her underwear while the water in the tub fills with hot water and bubbles.)
(She tests the temperature of the bath water with her foot.)
(She adds bath oil/bath scent to the water.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Close up of a cosmetics kit being unrolled.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
(The woman is sitting in front of a dressing mirror. She is facing the mirror and her back is to us. We can't see her face. She puts her hair up and holds it in place with a hair clip.)
(She selects a pair of tweezers from the cosmetics kit.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Top view shot of the bath tub filling with water.)
(Cut to: The woman starts on her pre-bath ritual.)
(Cut to: A top view of the bath tub with bath bubbles and a fashion magazine, "VEGAS" on the floor nearby. The water flows over the lip of the tub onto the floor. The water and bath bubbles cover the magazine completely from our view.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. WAITING ROOM -- NIGHT]
(GRISSOM is reading a book. It's very quiet.)
(The nurse looks up at GRISSOM. GRISSOM looks up at the nurse and we hear a cell phone ring. He answers his phone.)
Grissom: (on phone) Grissom. (pause) I'll be right there.
(GRISSOM stands and approaches the nurse.)
Grissom: Please tell the doctor that I have to reschedule my appointment. Thanks.
(GRISSOM doesn't wait for an answer. He leaves.)
Nurse: She should be right with ... you.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[EXT. UNDER THE BRIDGE - NIGHT]
(BRASS is there talking with a man with a clipboard in a jacket. He's standing in front of a shopping cart ... and there's a dead body in the shopping cart, but you don't really notice it.)
(Behind them, GRISSOM'S SUV pulls up to the police tape, parks and GRISSOM emerges carrying his kit. He locks his car and approaches BRASS and the shopping cart with the body.)
Grissom: Any I.D. Yet?
Brass: Nothing but a blanket.
(GRISSOM flashes his light on the body and we see that it's a woman and she has cuts and blemishes on her face. She's wrapped in a blanket and her eyes are closed. He looks around at the environment. He turns left and right and sees some homeless people sleeping on the ground with their shopping carts near them.)
Grissom: She live here?
Brass: Ah ... we don't know. Patrol called it in. Well, whoever she is she's not talking.
(GRISSOM moves in closer to the body for a better look. As he does, her mouth begins to move. Her mouth suddenly opens and a rat crawls out.)
Brass: Whoa.
Grissom: I think she just ratted herself out.
(Camera holds on BRASS.)
HARD CUT TO: END OF TEASER. ROLL TITLE CREDITS
[Captioning sponsored by CBS CBS productions and Volkswagen. Captioned by media access group at WGBH access.Wgbh.Org]
[SCENE_BREAK]
[EXT. GROUND VIEW OF THE HIGHWAY - NIGHT]
(The camera starts with the billboard and pans around the bridge to stop on an overhead shot of the crime scene. The Coroner's van pulls away. Police Radio Transmissions can be heard in the background.)
(GRISSOM walks around looking for evidence to mark for collection. In his left hand, he holds yellow markers. The number showing on the next marker is #4.)
(GRISSOM sees something on the ground and places the number 5 marker down next to something that could possibly be blood on a rock and a small pool of it near by. He continues to look around. He spots the shopping cart and approaches it.)
(GRISSOM starts looking through the cart. He moves the blanket away and sees a purse underneath. He pulls out a day planner. He goes through the bag and sees six syringes on the bottom of the purse.)
Grissom: (V.O.) Drug use?
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. FORENSIC AUTOPSY]
Robbins: No visible track marks. Tox screen came up empty except for botulin.
Grissom: Food poisoning?
Robbins: I'll know more when I cut open her stomach. Heard about the rat. Hope he didn't have any children. Take a look at these tiny puncture wounds in her forehead. Indicates repeated injections. You sure she's homeless?
Grissom: Sometimes I'm not sure of anything.
Robbins: Educated guess: Beautification. She was injected with pig botulism.
(Flash to white. Flash CGI of syringe penetrating the skin in the forehead to the muscle beneath and liquid spurting out. The needle pulls out. End of CGI.)
Robbins: Botox ... the ultimate wrinkle cream.
Grissom: How did it get into her bloodstream?
Robbins: Bad doctor. Missed the muscle. Shot directly into her supratrochlear vein.
Grissom: Amazing the advances we make in science and the primitive uses we find for them.
Robbins: People are still animals. Signs of possible torture. A lot of scarring. Some old, some new.
Grissom: What about the crater in her check?
Robbins: The dove-tail abrasion of the margins was caused by the scraping of the handle of some weapon. Tells me the blade was completely inserted -- more than once.
(GRISSOM looks down at the woman's arm. We see only smooth skin.)
Grissom: There's no ligature marks anywhere. I'd think she would need to be restrained for something like that, wouldn't you?
Robbins: Give me a few hours; I'll know more.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. CSI -- LAB]
[SARA turns on the light for the overhead projector. She has the day planner open on screen. She flips the page to the date: 05/09/02 written in the top right corner. The page has the following:
T 3 C 1023 - 10 ok
X COW -4 A PGOSF
[SCENE_BREAK]
QP 4 1 EVO'D ...]
(WARRICK walks into the lab.)
Brown: Show and tell. Who?
Sara: Showing but not telling. I found a day planner in the shopping cart.
Warrick: Mm-hmm.
Sara: It's written in code. "T to the third power. C 1023, minus ten O.K. equals zero."
Warrick: Looks like ginkwork. It's the kind of thing speed freaks do when they've been up for ten days straight and they've already taken apart the radio.
Sara: Yeah. I write everything down in shorthand. You couldn't read it.
Warrick: Shorthand?
Sara: Keeps things in order.
Warrick: You're not a control freak or anything?
(SARA doesn't look at WARRICK. She smiles and mumbles ... )
Sara: No.
(WARRICK sees something across the room.)
Warrick: Sara ... what's a homeless woman doing with a day planner and a $300 handbag?
Sara: That handbag costs $300?
Warrick: Yeah.
Sara: How'd you know that?
Warrick: I bought one for an ex-girlfriend once.
Sara: Oh.
(Camera holds on WARRICK as he glances back at SARA and chuckles at her reaction.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. CSI - A/V LAB]
(CATHERINE walks into DUSTY'S OFFICE. DUSTY is taking a image of the victim's mutilated face and is reconstructing it digitally on the computer.)
Catherine: Dusty, we got no hits on the fingerprints and no one fitting her description has been reported missing.
Dusty: Oh, she's not missing? She's in my world. I'm just mirroring some good cheek on top of some bad cheek.
Catherine: Okay.
Dusty: I'll fix her forehead.
(DUSTY works on clearing the injuries off of the victim's face so that they can better identify her.)
Dusty: Her chin ... what a mess.
Catherine: Mm-hmm.
Dusty: I'm going to do a little cloning here. She actually had a really nice complexion. Perfect porcelain face.
Catherine: What can you do about the hair?
Dusty: It's a macro. What kind of hair do you want her to have? Blonde? ... like Courtney love?
Catherine: Sounds good to me.
Dusty: Let's give her some eyes ... blue.
(DUSTY finishes the digital reconstruction and looks at the image of the woman. She frowns.)
Dusty: I know her from somewhere.
(This surprises CATHERINE.)
Catherine: You do?
Dusty: Yeah.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. GRISSOM'S OFFICE]
(CLOSE UP of a "SHOWBIZ WEEKLY" magazine cover with a picture of Ashleigh James on it and her name in large type on the right.)
[Above the magazine title, the headline reads: "Exclusive: Las Vegas Uncovered".]
[On the left side of the magazine it reads: <<the magazine date>> VEGAS.com "Marvin Mancie / The Man and The Movie" "Samantha Coy / Soft-Spoken, But Shrewd" "Harlan Joseph / Banks of Success" "John Russell / R & B's Rising New Star"]
[Headline on the bottom reads: "Bill Belt: magic act"]
[Ad on the back of the magazine: "Great Expectations"]
(GRISSOM glances down at the magazine and then looks back up at CATHERINE who put it there.)
Grissom: Why are you showing me this?
Catherine: The cover girl, Ashleigh James -- she's your girl in the shopping cart. P.D.'S tracking down her agency now. Somebody wanted her dead.
(GRISSOM takes out the post-mortem photograph of Ashleigh James and looks at the two pictures side by side. The magazine cover on the left and the post-mortem picture on the right.)
Grissom: They also wanted her ugly.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[EXT. ASHLEIGH JAMES' LOFT - NIGHT]
(GRISSOM and CATHERINE get out of the car with their CSI kits just outside ASHLEIGH JAMES' loft. They meet BRASS outside. The officers behind him stand next to door #929.)
Brass: It's called gentrification.
Catherine: It's not doing anything to gentrify them.
Brass: Tell that to the mayor. The landlord's on vacation. It's a good thing because he's got a swimming pool in his basement.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. ASHLEIGH JAMES' LOFT - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS]
Brass: Ashleigh James apartment ...
[CLOSED-CAPTION READS: BRASS: ... tub overflowed.]
Grissom: Who turned the water off?
Brass: The first officer on the scene found the door open. After that, he didn't touch a thing.
Officer: (o.s.) Captain?
Brass: Yeah, what have you got?
(BRASS leaves the two alone to see what the officer wants. CATHERINE continues straight on into the loft. GRISSOM turns left and examines the many Ashleigh James pictures on the wall.)
Grissom: Well, Narcissus would be proud.
Catherine: Very much a woman, yet still a little girl.
(The camera notes the three rag dolls on the bed that CATHERINE'S referencing.)
(GRISSOM stops by a small table with burned candles and candle wax on the table top. There is also some white powdery substance on it.)
Grissom: I thought Doc Robbins said the victim's tox screen came back negative.
Catherine: No, she wasn't a user. But maybe the boyfriend was.
(CATHERINE finds a man's toiletry kit in the cabinet. She opens it and holds out a man's razor.)
Catherine: Let's hope he nicked himself.
(GRISSOM holds up a scoop of the white powdery stuff and smells it.)
Grissom: Smells like mint.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[EXT. PARKING LOT -- NIGHT]
(The camera follows BRASS as he enters the parking lot where NICK and WARRICK are looking at ASHLEIGH JAMES' car. WARRICK is holding a camera.)
Brass: Hey.
Nick: Thanks.
(BRASS tosses the car keys to NICK.)
Brass: Find anything?
Nick: No. Nothing.
Brass: Anything out front?
Warrick: Just a couple of homeless guys.
(NICK opens the car and sees it littered with wrappers and other food junk. There are empty drinking cups and carriers. NICK picks up an empty wrapper and turns to BRASS.)
Nick: You, uh, you sure this is the vic's?
Brass: You are what you eat.
(BRASS leaves. WARRICK starts to photograph the car.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. ASHLEIGH JAMES' LOFT - BATHROOM - NIGHT]
(CLOSE UP of substance being scraped off the small side table next to the bathtub.)
(CATHERINE sees GRISSOM busy collecting the sample and examines the rest of the bathroom.)
Catherine: Blood in the sink.
(She glances down and notes ... )
Catherine: None on the floor.
(She sees plastic wrapped green and white enema boxes. The label says: )
[Traynor-Shepherd "For relief of occasional constipation and bowel cleansing" Comfortip(c) "The enema used most often in hospitals"]
Grissom: (o.s.) Enema. The secret life of women.
(GRISSOM holds up an empty plastic enema bottle.)
Catherine: Don't generalize. It's not very scientific of you.
Grissom: You're right. I'm sorry.
[GRISSOM is going through the trash and pulls out a ziploc'd bag of excrement or vomit (don't know which one).]
Grissom: Catherine ...
(Camera holds on CATHERINE.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[EXT. PARKING LOT - ASHLEIGH JAMES' CAR -- NIGHT]
[CLOSE UP of the junk food wrappers filling the back seat and the front seat. WARRICK picks up a magazine in the car. "POUT" (August 2001) with cover of ASHLEIGH JAMES.
Headlines down the right side of the magazine: "31 secrets for a slimmer bottom half" (in yellow) "Test your compatibility with your partner" (in yellow)]
Warrick: Hey.
(WARRICK tosses the magazine to NICK.)
Nick: Ooh, pretty girl.
(WARRICK snaps more pictures of the junk food wrappers in the car.)
Warrick: Yeah. Dangerous being a pretty girl in this town.
(NICK reaches over and picks up a piece of paper in the car.)
Nick: Listen to this: "Babe, he's not good enough for you. He doesn't have the history we do. You mean the world to me. I know you'll live to regret this decision."
Warrick: Hmmm.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. ASHLEIGH JAMES' LOFT - CLOSET - NIGHT]
(CATHERINE examines the contents of ASHLEIGH JAMES' closet. She looks through the clothes hanging there ... )
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. ASHLEIGH JAMES' LOFT - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT]
(GRISSOM takes a photograph of a hand-sized smudge of blood on the wall.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. ASHLEIGH JAMES' LOFT - CLOSET - NIGHT]
(CATHERINE looks around and notices a heavy black coat on the closet floor. She picks it up and examines it.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. ASHLEIGH JAMES' LOFT - KITCHEN - NIGHT]
(GRISSOM opens the refrigerator door. The refrigerator is noticeably bare. There are a couple of yellow boxes on the second rack from the top. On the main shelf, there are bottles of water and a box rack or two of unused ampules. The box identifies it as ampules of "BOTOX".)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. ASHLEIGH JAMES' LOFT - CLOSET - NIGHT]
(CATHERINE finds a hole in the coat. The coat seems out of place in ASHLEIGH JAMES' closet. CATHERINE exits the closet carrying the coat.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. ASHLEIGH JAMES' LOFT - KITCHEN - NIGHT]
(GRISSOM opens the utensil drawer and finds dozens of syringes. He picks them up.)
(CATHERINE walks into the living room with the coat. She holds it up.)
Catherine: Not exactly the victim's style.
(Camera holds on GRISSOM.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[EXT. SIDEWALK OUTSIDE ASHLEIGH JAMES' LOFT -- NIGHT]
(NICK and WARRICK are walking back from the parking lot. )
Warrick: What? You don't like cupcakes and candy bars?
(In front of them, GRISSOM crosses their path without noticing them.)
Warrick: Hey, Gris! Grissom!
Nick: Hey!
(GRISSOM doesn't respond. He keeps walking away from them.)
Nick: Where's he going?
Warrick: I don't know.
(NICK whistles trying to catch GRISSOM'S attention. It doesn't work.)
Warrick: Somewhere.
Nick: C'mon.
(The two leave him alone.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[GRISSOM WALKING]
Lyric: ... with eyes afire ...
(GRISSOM walks a path started from ASHLEIGH JAMES' loft. He sees a homeless woman sleeping on the side of the building. He keeps walking.)
... I am drawn ...
(He turns the corner and sees a homeless man playing with a dog on a leash in front of him. He keeps walking.)
... I am drawn to her ...
(He turns out of the alleyway and onto the main lit road. He glances back at the alleyway and heads down the sidewalk. He passes the regular nightly foot traffic of well-dressed people enjoying the Las Vegas nightlife. He keeps walking.)
(He rounds the final corner which takes him to the underpass where he's surprised to see ... )
[SCENE_BREAK]
... unbound ...
(SARA is standing there. She turns when she hears him.)
[FULL LYRIC: Come on. / With eyes afire / no one can see / the smoke from / the sweet crimes / covers me / I am drawn / I am drawn to her / like a moth to flame / she leaves me now / Unbound.]
RESUMES:
[SCENE_BREAK]
[EXT. UNDER THE BRIDGE - NIGHT]
Grissom: What are you doing here?
Sara: Contextualizing. Shopping cart in the lab is like a lion in a zoo. I needed to see it in its natural habitat.
Grissom: Question: How did Ashleigh James get from her loft to this underpass?
Sara: She didn't walk.
Grissom: I'm pretty sure she was pushed.
(Both SARA and GRISSOM look thoughtfully back in the direction of ASHLEIGH JAMES' loft.)
(Then, like a dance, GRISSOM looks right, SARA looks right. Then GRISSOM looks left; SARA looks left. They're both thoughtful and thinking. They both turn to look to their right once more. Finally, SARA sees something.)
Sara: Grissom ... is that Ashleigh James?
(High above the highway overpass, ASHLEIGH JAMES' picture is on a billboard: )
["Welcome to Las Vegas Yours to Discover. Call 555-JACKPOT"]
Sara: She was under her own billboard.
Grissom: Coincidence?
Sara: Somebody was making a point.
CUT TO BLACK.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. CSI -- LAB]
(SARA'S writing in a note pad copying the code she sees up on screen. The right page of the day planner shows the following: )
CC/4 1 EVO'D
242 BC
304 BF 2 TU'D
900 S
16 G 12 noon ------------------------------
H??O 2 #1
GP/2 1 EVO'D
1256 BC 12 G
40 BF
2095? S 1 TU'D
116 TC 2 G
[SCENE_BREAK]
(SARA studies her notes when GRISSOM walks in. He's putting on his latex gloves.)
Sara: Hey. You like crossword puzzles. How are you at deciphering codes?
Grissom: Aren't you putting the shopping cart before the horse? In order to decipher a code you need to know the alphabet for the code. In order to know the alphabet, you need to know the author.
(GRISSOM moves to look at the shopping cart.)
Grissom: So, what's the cart telling us?
Sara: About the victim?
Grissom: Well, the victim had no relationship to the cart except for the fact that we found her in it. I'm more interested in the person who used to call this cart home.
Sara: Well, aside from the leather day runner and the Kate Swan bag -- which appear to be from Ashleigh James's world -- you got mostly collectibles. Newspapers, review journals, the Sun ... various editions going back several months. A couple of tennis rackets ...
(GRISSOM picks up a newspaper and begins leafing through it as SARA talks.)
Sara: ... a broom, an umbrella, a pot ... I guess some kind of glove or something.
(He flips the newspaper over and sees a full page photograph ad of ASHLEIGH JAMES.)
Grissom: I stand corrected.
(SARA picks up the next newspaper and notices the same thing: a full page photograph ad of ASHLEIGH JAMES on the back of the paper.)
Grissom: I have a feeling whoever owned this cart ... was an Ashleigh James fan.
(SARA grabs two magazines with ASHLEIGH JAMES on the cover: "SPA FASHION" and "POUT".)
Sara: Or a fanatic.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[EXT. FRANK McBRIDE'S RESIDENCE -- DAY]
(NICK pounds on the front door and WARRICK peers in through the window. A dog barks in the background.)
Nick: Well, it looks like lover boy isn't home.
(NICK peers into the window; WARRICK peers around the side of the house.)
Warrick: Maybe he wrote her a letter and left town. It's trash day.
Nick: I don't know, man. We don't even have a warrant.
Warrick: It's on the street. It's fair game.
(WARRICK lifts the cover off of the trash can and goes through it. NICK examines the other stuff on the street.)
(WARRICK finds a paper package and looks inside. He opens it and spills out its contents on the car.)
Nick: What did you find?
Warrick: Photographic paper.
(And like a puzzle, he pieces it together and finds ... )
Nick: That's Ashleigh James.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[EXT. LOCATION SHOOT -- DAY]
(Models in bikinis & bathing suits and Photographers taking pictures of what's made up to look like boats in Venice.)
(ROD DARLING, the agent, notices one of his models struggling to get the top clasp hooked on her suit and approaches her.)
Rod Darling: The cow says, "moo".
Lola: I can hold my breath, I swear.
Rod Darling: Lola, if you exhale, you'll burst the bloody seams.
Lola: Rod, I'm sorry. I ...
(He grabs her arm and leads her to the food table.)
Rod Darling: The fitting was two days ago. Are you telling me you couldn't keep your face out of the trough for 48 hours? You want me to be your agent you better start doing your part, all right?
(LOLA leaves upset. BRASS and CATHERINE approach ROD DARLING from behind him.)
Brass: Rod Darling? Las Vegas Police.
Rod Darling: You're here about Ashleigh, right?
Catherine: Yeah.
Rod Darling: Sorry about what happened but she wasn't a client anymore. I dropped her a couple of months ago.
Catherine: Did you forget to pack? We found men's clothing and personal items at her place.
Rod Darling: She was a screwed up kid looking for a father figure.
(The camera shows BRASS' look then quickly refocuses on the blonde-haired man with glasses standing in the crowd some distance away. The man looks angry.)
Rod Darling: One minute booking a photo shoot. The next minute, she's screaming for daddy.
(The blond-haired man from the crowd breaks into a run and launches himself at the agent, attacking ROD DARLING with a knife. He manages to cut his hand.)
Frank McBride: You son of a bitch!
(BRASS apprehends FRANK McBRIDE.)
Brass: All right, that's enough.
Frank McBride: He killed her. He killed her!
Rod Darling: (sporting his wounded hand) He's a psycho!
(Camera hold on CATHERINE.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERROGATION ROOM]
Frank McBride: Rod did everything he could to make her dependent on him and only him. She shut me out.
Warrick: Is that why you tore up her photograph and tossed it in the trash?
Frank McBride: You just don't get it, do you?
Brass: No, I don't. I mean, I don't know. I care about a woman, I put her picture in a frame. Maybe put it on my desk but to tear it up and throw it in the garbage with old cole slaw that just doesn't say "love" to me.
Frank McBride: If you were in love with an amazing woman and you knew she was throwing away everything that was amazing about her on some scum ... would you still want her picture on your desk?
Brass: What did you use to cut up the picture? Same knife you were waving around at Rod? The same knife you used to cut up Ashleigh's face?
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERROGATION ROOM]
Rod Darling: If you're suggesting I was sleeping with her, I wasn't.
Catherine: You run out of drawer space in your place?
Rod Darling: I was protecting my asset.
Catherine: I don't know what that means.
Rod Darling: You can't drive a mile in this town without seeing her face on a billboard on the side of a bus. Up in lights. The mantra in this business is you protect what's bankable in this business.
Catherine: So you didn't sleep with her. You just "stayed over." You brought a change of clothes, razor blade, toothbrush ... blah, blah, blah.
Rod Darling: Yeah. She needed constant attention, supervision. Leave her alone for a minute, fill in the blank.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. CSI -- LAB]
(GRISSOM is picking through the coat found in ASHLEIGH JAMES' closet. SARA is looking through the microscope. They're both working quietly, when ... )
Sara: I got crabs.
(GRISSOM stops and looks up from his magnifying glass.)
Grissom: Excuse me?
Sara: I got crabs. Take a look.
(Through the microscope view, we see ... crabs. Lots of little crabs moving and moving and moving ... )
Grissom: Pthirus pubis. Feeds on human blood. They prefer the pubic and perianal regions because their legs are adapted to grasp hairs which are widely spaced. They don't usually nest in clothing. But when the clothing is being worn by someone with substandard personal hygiene ...
(During GRISSOM'S mini-lecture, a Quick CGI clip of the Pthirus pubis climbing up two hair shafts with skill and grace. Flash to white.)
Sara: Like one of the victim's neighbors.
Grissom: We have a high-end handbag found in a street person's shopping cart a jacket covered in crabs in a closet full of designer clothes. What does that tell us?
Sara: Tells me the victim not only had a visitor but that visitor was most likely homeless.
Grissom: Tells me that whoever is missing a shopping cart is also missing his jacket.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[EXT. ALLEYWAY NEAR ASHLEIGH JAMES' LOFT -- NIGHT]
(Once again, GRISSOM walks the homeless alleyway. He pulls the collar of his jacket up against his neck. As he walks down the same alley that ASHLEIGH JAMES traveled, he passes the homeless man and his dog. He sees a man digging through a trash can. He moves in closer to the man and looks himself into one of the garbage bins. He reaches inside the garbage bin.)
Grissom: Good stuff in here.
Tookie (homeless man): Hey, you got a smoke?
Grissom: No. Sorry.
Tookie: So, what good are you?
(GRISSOM notices the pricey scarf that the man's wearing. It also has a red stain on it.)
Grissom: It depends.
(GRISSOM moves in a little closer to the Homeless Man to take a better look at the scarf. The Homeless Man takes a wary step back.)
Tookie: Ooh, hey. Don't even think that you can play me, my man.
Grissom: I'm not playing. I've got a gal named Sara, and she would love that scarf. What do you say?
(GRISSOM takes off his jacket and holds it out to the man.)
Grissom: Trade me.
Tookie: Yeah. What the hell.
(The man takes the scarf off and gives it to GRISSOM. He grabs the jacket as he does so. He turns away and resumes exploring the trash.)
(GRISSOM turns on his flashlight and takes a closer look at the scarf he holds. A woman witnesses the trade and takes exception. Carrying a green plastic crate full of stuff, she approaches GRISSOM.)
Cassie James: Hey. Hey, hey, Mister. Hey, Mister, that is Tookie's scarf. That is his scarf.
(GRISSOM looks up just in time to pull the scarf away from the homeless woman's grasp as she tries to take it from him. He points the flashlight at her face. She shys away from the glare.)
Cassie James: I gave it to him. That is Tookie's. Are you a Taker ... or are you a Giver, Mister?
Grissom: I'm a Trader. I traded Tookie my jacket for this scarf.
Cassie James: Yeah ... and fleas can tell time.
Grissom: I think fleas can tell time.
(She laughs and starts muttering to herself. GRISSOM notices the ring on her finger.)
Grissom: That's a nice ring.
(He looks back at his flashlight.)
Grissom: I'll trade you
(CASSIE JAMES puts down her green plastic crate she's been carrying. GRISSOM notices the rolled up cosmetics kit in it.)
Grissom: I'll trade you for your kit, too.
(CASSIE JAMES takes off the ring from her finger with a little difficulty as the ring is a tad too small for her finger and has been rubbing into her skin.)
Cassie James: Ow.
(She grabs the flashlight from GRISSOM and puts the ring in the palm of his hand. She holds the flashlight up and around looking here ... looking there ...)
Cassie James: Now I can see what the dark looks like.
Grissom: I've been trying to do that for years.
(GRISSOM looks at the ring while CASSIE JAMES plays with the flashlight.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY LIGHTS (STOCK) - NIGHT]
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. CSI - TRACE LAB]
(GRISSOM picks up the scarf sealed up in an evidence bag.)
Grissom: Greg ran the blood on this scarf. It matches the victim's. (He puts the bag down.) How about the blood on the knife?
Nick: Yeah, we got a match, too, but it's not the vic's.
Warrick: Yeah, McBride clipped Rod Darling's right hand during his little hissy fit. Blood's his. And McBride's knife does not match these wounds.
(WARRICK hands the post-mortem photograph of ASHLEIGH JAMES' to GRISSOM. He looks up at the scissors, tweezers and other stuff from the beauty kit GRISSOM acquired from CASSIE JAMES.)
Grissom: The tools of the trade; the weapons of beauty.
Warrick: Yeah. If other people inflicted as much torture as women inflict upon themselves, there would be lawsuits.
Nick: Someone forgot to clean these, too, for a long time. Positive for blood all over the place.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. CSI - LAB]
(GRISSOM walks down the hallway reading the file folder he's carrying when GREG catches his attention.)
Greg: Grissom ... I, uh, ran the DNA on the epithelials from the homeless lady's ring.
Grissom: Cassie?
(GREG hands GRISSOM the print out results.)
Greg: It's like prince and the pauper. No. Princess and the pauper. The Princess is a dead supermodel.
Grissom: Yeah. And her Pauper sister could be the killer.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[EXT. -- NIGHT]
(GRISSOM holds out a hot dog in front of him like bait.)
Grissom: Hot dog?
(CASSIE JAMES looks up and takes it from him. He holds up the packet of ... )
Grissom: Relish?
Cassie James: (points at the packet and shakes her head) Mmm ... with all those preservatives, no, no, no. I-I don't want to be preserved, thank you very much. No. I mean, I mean ... do you know what-what relish can do to your insides, huh?
Grissom: I'd have to investigate.
Cassie James: Yeah, well, you know, you should. I mean, you know because our insides -- they can kill us.
Grissom: So, you're pretty careful about what you eat?
Cassie James: Yeah, you know, you-you have to be careful, you know 'cause what goes down, you know it's got to come out. It's got to come up. Out.
(GRISSOM chuckles.)
Grissom: Newton's theory twisted again.
Cassie James: (smiles and points her hot dog at GRISSOM) Everybody's twisted.
(GRISSOM nods. CASSIE stands up and we note that we are ... )
[EXT. PARK BENCH -- NIGHT]
Grissom: How about your sister?
Cassie James: My-my sister didn't have a sister. Protein's good, you know? C-carbs are bad. This is bad.
(CASSIE JAMES hands the hot dog bun back to GRISSOM and starts nibbling on the plain hot dog.)
Cassie James: That's bad.
Grissom: Hey, Cassie, you know that scarf you gave Tookie?
Cassie James: Yeah, I know it.
Grissom: Did your sister give that to you or ... did you steal it from her?
Cassie James: I should have stole it. Because sh-sh-she stole from me.
Grissom: What did she steal from you?
Cassie James: My life.
(Camera holds on GRISSOM.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. MODELING AGENCY -- DAY]
Rod Darling: I admit I gave up on Cassie. Washed my hands. Ashleigh was the only one who still gave a damn. Get together with her every couple of weeks. Make sure she had a decent meal, shower, clothes on her back.
Catherine: And what did you do for her?
Rod Darling: Let me tell you something. For every piece of meat, there has to be a butcher.
Catherine: So, you led her to the slaughter?
Rod Darling: Free will.
(ROD DARLING points to a "SPA FASHION" cover hanging on the wall.)
Rod Darling: Recognize this one?
Catherine: That's Cassie. It's the homeless sister.
Grissom: How long ago was this taken?
Rod Darling: Three years. See, Cassie got deep into freebase. No shortage of sleazebags around to keep her supplied. I knew she had this sister in Wichita falls.
(Quick Flashback showing us a photo shoot.)
Photographer: All right, Cassie, let's go. Come on, chin up. Colin, will you get in there and get her hair out of her face?
Cassie James: (panics and steps away) Don't touch me! (tearing through the clothes rack) I hate this! I hate this place! I hate it! I hate my life! (to ROD DARLING) Get away from me!
(CASSIE starts muttering to herself. ROD DARLING looks off to the side where we see ASHLEIGH JAMES standing there. She looks worried for her sister. ROD DARLING has a look in his eye when he recognizes untapped money making potential. End of Flashback. Flash to white.)
(Close up of photograph of ASHLEIGH JAMES.)
Rod Darling: One look ... that was it. Camera ate her up.
Catherine: So, in Cassie's mind, she was a victim here. Makes sense that she'd be angry.
Rod Darling: Angry was five flights up. Cassie was an obsessed basehead. Cocaine already had her paranoid. Once Ashleigh started modeling, everything became this big conspiracy. Naturally, yours truly was Satan.
Grissom: Cassie threw her life away and her sister Ashleigh recycled it.
(Camera hold on GRISSOM.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. CSI - LAB]
(Close up of the following page of the notebook enlarged on the wall. This is only what we can see.)
[*** BLOCK ONE *** TO 12 NOON ***
P/2
1256 BC
35 BF
2095 S 1 T'V'O
116 TC 7 G
*** BLOCK TWO *** FROM 12 NOON ***
NAGD
BFJ3
EVEN NIAGD!
PD/4 2 EVO'D
120 BC 10 G
30 BF
850 S 2 T'V'O'
55 TC 16 G ]
Grissom: It's like a crossword puzzle, isn't it? Once you pick it up, you can't put it down.
Sara: And go home? No way. You know, this day runner belonged to Ashleigh.
Sara: "BFJ3". BF: Bellagio Fountain.
(SARA looks at GRISSOM and smiles. Seems like a challenge is being issued.)
Grissom: J3? Date? January 3rd? June 3rd? July 3rd? Uh, third "J" month, July?
Sara: That's what I thought at first.
Grissom: Parking space in a parking garage?
Sara: Nope. "Once you pick it up, you can't put it down."
Grissom: J3 ... J3 ... city or state grid map?
Sara: You're cold. What's one thing a model always knows?
(GRISSOM shrugs. He doesn't have a clue.)
Sara: Who's shooting her. Three Js. Jay Jay Jarrett.
Grissom: Who?
Sara: Famous photographer. Compliments of P.D.: Ashleigh James's employment contracts for the last year. And, as an aside she stopped working two months ago.
Grissom: Why?
Sara: Good question.
(SARA sighs.)
Sara: Maybe the answer is in one of these pages.
(SARA flips through the pages of the day planner.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT -- INTERROGATION ROOM]
Brass: Nobody could blame you for being mad, Cassie. I mean, your sister took your career and you wanted to get back at her. If you couldn't have success, she couldn't either. Isn't that right?
Cassie James: The v-victims have victims, too.
Brass: So, which one of you is the victim?
Cassie James: I-I know... you know, I know, I tried to warn her. About the in-in and-and outing and the ... and the pick-pick. And the-and the and the counting the counting and the counting. I mean, I did, I tried. That's why I tried to really, really save her. I mean, I tried to save her.
Grissom: You tried to save her? Your sister?
Cassie James: Right. She could never be, you know ... she could never be ... pretty enough. And she could never b-be ... sk-skinny enough. And sh-she could never be ... perfect enough. And sh-she could never be any-anything enough.
(Quick Flashback showing us ROD DARLING approaching ASHLEIGH JAMES from behind and whispering in her ear: )
Rod Darling: Hey, fat girl. I got what you need. I got it.
(He holds out some cocaine for her to sniff. She does. )
(End of Flashback. Resume on CASSIE JAMES back in the present in the interrogation room. She's whimpering at the thought ... at the memory. Her eyes blinking rapidly.)
(Resume Flashback of ASHLEIGH JAMES ... that flashes briefly into CASSIE JAMES then back to ASHLEIGH JAMES. ROD DARLING holds out more cocaine for ASHLEIGH to take and she does.)
Rod Darling: (to ASHLEIGH) One more.
(The memory gets confusing as ASHLEIGH changes into CASSIE ... and CASSIE finishes up taking the cocaine.)
Rod Darling: (to CASSIE) Good girl.
(End of Flashback. Resume on CASSIE JAMES back in the interrogation room.)
Cassie James: (whispering) Mm. I mean, that's why I did, I did. I tried to stop her.
(GRISSOM watches CASSIE, her head turned away from him. Her expression very sad at the memory.)
Cassie James: (choked up) I tried to stop her. (she looks at GRISSOM) I tried to stop.
(Quick Flashback to ASHLEIGH JAMES throwing up. Cut to CASSIE JAMES. Both sisters alternately flash in the memory. The switch between sisters continues. Both sisters suffering their own little hell. Each living the same life. Camera holds on CASSIE JAMES. Flash to white. End of flashback.)
(Resume on CASSIE JAMES back in the interrogation room. She whimpers and breaks eye contact with GRISSOM. He blinks.)
Brass: She's a needle freak. She doesn't know what she's talking about.
Grissom: Yes, she does.
(CASSIE moans. Her eyes blinking rapidly. GRISSOM holds eye contact with her.)
Grissom: You tried to stop yourself, didn't you? But you couldn't.
(This is too much for CASSIE to take. She jumps the table and launches herself at GRISSOM. GRISSOM stands, trying to catch her. She grabs his neck and pins him against the wall, screaming and yelling at him.)
Cassie James: It's you! It's you! It's you! You! You!
(The officers in the room and BRASS move to restrain her.)
Brass: That's enough!
(They pull her off of GRISSOM who's left standing there watching CASSIE.)
Brass: All right, read her her rights.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. FORENSIC AUTOPSY BAY]
(CLOSE UP of post-mortem ASHLEIGH JAMES' face lying on the autopsy table. Camera moves to give us a lovely top view of the contents of the pan that DOC ROBBINS is working on. Or was working on. We see the red Y-shaped blood stain on the sheet covering the body. GRISSOM walks in.)
Robbins: I found blisters in the back of her throat.
Grissom: What? Forced oral?
Robbins: That's what I thought until I noticed worn enamel on the tooth. (holds up a tooth for GRISSOM to look at) In conjunction with this red mark on the knuckle of her middle finger. (lifts up her right hand from beneath the sheet to show GRISSOM) Which made me realize it wasn't sexual abuse.
Grissom: Eating disorder.
(Quick CGI Flash of ASHLEIGH JAMES sticking a finger down her throat. Accompanying gagging track and sloshing water for sound at appropriate cues. Camera continues down ASHLEIGH JAMES' throat ... all the way down till it hits the good stuff coming back up ... and up ... and up all the way back up ASHLEIGH JAMES' throat where the camera stays one step ahead of it ... till we get behind it and see it pass her teeth on its way out. How fun. End of CGI Flash. Resume on DOC ROBBINS.)
Robbins: She was bulimic and anorexic. Which explains the down on her skin. (he pulls away the sheet from her left shoulder) Lanugo. Characteristic of premature babies and anorexics.
Grissom: She doesn't seem that skinny.
Robbins: Not this week. Last week, or the week before, who knows? Binge-and-purge.
Grissom: Till her entire system is in a state of shock.
Robbins: You know what's next.
Grissom: Body starts feeding on its own muscle. Is that what killed her?
Robbins: Uh, starvation and purging weaken the immune system. But cause of death: Failed kidney, fueled by septicemia.
Grissom: Blood infection. Caused by the injuries to her face?
Robbins: Probably, but she's been septic for at least a month. She has anemia borne of chronic disease. Her red cell count's low, iron's low. ESR is extremely high.
Grissom: So she didn't just die. She's been dying for a long time.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. GRISSOM'S OFFICE]
(Clicking sound of metal balls hitting each other. GRISSOM'S thinking. There's a knock on his door. He looks up as CATHERINE walks in.)
Catherine: What do you know that's good?
Grissom: Cassie James's psych profile.
[He hands the file to her. From what we can see, the report reads:
LAS VEGAS ...
2974 WESTFALL AVENUE LAS VEGAS, NEVADA ...
PSYCHOLOGICAL EVALUATION REPORT / CASE ... NAME: CASSIE JAMES / DATE ... EVALUATION: CLASSIC PARANOID SCHIZOPHRENIC
... patient appears to exhibit an unstable grasp of reality. During my o... ... multiple disorders while being examined. During routine questioning ... ... further questioning she exhibited classic signs of schizophren... ... a raging hatred of anything beautiful. She ... ]
Catherine: "Classic Paranoid Schizophrenic".
Grissom: Which explains why the interrogation room was too hard on her. For schizophrenics, you know, the tighter the space, the more unbearable the feelings tend to be.
Catherine: Well, if you ask me that's not the only psych evaluation we need.
Grissom: Ashleigh James?
Catherine: That poor girl. Definitely lacking in the self-image department.
Grissom: She suffered from septicemia, indicative of chronic abuse. But ... what if Cassie wasn't the one who inflicted Ashleigh's facial wounds?
Catherine: Well, we know it's not the ex-boyfriend -- no evidence. Not the agent -- wouldn't jeopardize an asset. And if it's not Cassie, who's left?
Grissom: I don't know.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. CSI - TRACE LAB]
(The camera pans over the evidence on the table: Starting from the left, there are two full page ads from two newspapers side by side. The newspaper on the right has marker #13 on it. Marker #17 free-floats above the newspaper ad on the left. Next to and above that is the stack of mail procured from ASHLEIGH JAMES' car with marker #18 on it. Next to the newspapers are two magazine covers. Next to that are four close-up post-mortem photographs of ASHLEIGH JAMES' face. The rest of the table is covered with junk food containers, cups and various wrappers from the car.)
(SARA is organizing the things on the table. She's grouping all the wrappers together. She collects the wrappers and stops. Something on the wrapper she's holding catches her eye. She goes back to the notebook on the overhead.)
Sara: (mumbling to herself) T 3. 1834 BC.
[The camera closes in on the block of the day planner that SARA'S reading.
T/3
1834 BC
48 BF
870 S
90 TC ]
Sara: 48 BF ...
(SARA goes back to the table and picks up the stack of wrappers for the snack food "Tweenks". She flips it over and looks at the snack contents listed at the back of the package.)
(She clears a spot on the table and pulls out a pen from her pocket. She begins to chart her theory based upon the information on the wrappers in her hands.)
Sara: (mumbling to herself as she writes) T 3... 1834 BC ... 48 BF.
(SARA goes back to the notebook and reads the information on the minus side of the column.)
Sara: 2 EVO'D ... 8 G ... (she looks up) 1 TU ...
[The camera shows us the minus side of the day planner:
2 EVO'D
8 G
1 T'U'D
7 G
(SARA'S figured out ASHLEIGH JAMES' code. And yet, there is no joy with the revelation. A sad look of sympathy at the knowledge lingers with the discovery.)
Sara: (quietly) You must have been so desperate.
(Camera holds on SARA.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. CSI - PRINT LAB]
(CATHERINE is at the computer. She's running a print comparison. GRISSOM is sitting next to her.)
Catherine: Cassie James's prints from booking on the left. Prints from the loft faucet on the right. Do we have a prom date?
Catherine: All right, well ...
(CATHERINE puts the right print over the left print. The bottom of the screen flashes, "Match for Cassie James".)
Catherine: Cassie James was definitely in her sister's apartment.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. CSI -- HALLWAY]
(GREG walks out of the break room with a cup of saimin (or ramen) and a mouthful of noodles.)
Nick: Hey, man. What you eatin'?
Greg: Little college cuisine.
Nick: That stuff will kill you, you know.
Greg: Hasn't killed me yet.
Warrick: Greg-o, find any time between meals to check out Grissom's scrapings?
Greg: You mean Ashleigh's fingernail scrapings?
Warrick: Yeah.
Greg: Yeah.
Nick: And?
Greg: Got a match.
Warrick: To Cassie, her sister.
Greg: No. To the vic.
Nick: Ashleigh?
Greg: Yeah. The DNA under her fingernails was her own. Excuse me.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. GRISSOM'S OFFICE]
(SARA is sitting on a stool next to the image of ASHLEIGH JAMES' day planner on the television monitor.)
Sara: ... So what I realized was bulimia is a zero sum disease. That's why she has a plus sign over here and a minus sign over there. Whatever went in had to be exactly canceled by what went out.
Catherine: You're talking about BDD: Body Dysmorphic Disorder.
Sara: Yes. One theory suggests it's neurobiological. Another psychological -- that people with extreme sexual or emotional anxiety unconsciously displace their feelings into the arena of appearance, because it's more manageable.
Nick: You feel like crap, blame your face.
Warrick: Or your skin, or your hair or that zit on your forehead.
Catherine: I knew this dancer. Every night she'd stare at herself in the mirror for three hours.
Sara: Meticulous grooming, when a person suffers from BDD becomes a destructive compulsion. There's one line in her daybook that keeps repeating over and over and over again: "I'm not even."
Warrick: So you're saying she knew she was slipping.
Sara: No. (she points to the screen) She literally means even. A large number of BDD sufferers are convinced that they're not symmetric. That one side of their body or their face doesn't match the other.
Grissom: All animals prefer symmetry in their mates. The male Japanese scorpion flies with the most symmetrical wings gets the most mates.
Warrick: So, really we're not talking about being beautiful at all.
Grissom: In terms of entomology being beautiful is about being even. It signals the fitness to procreate.
Nick: So, we're not really talking about looks. We're talking about survival of the species?
Sara: The bottom line is the same: Control and Perfectionism. That's what her code was all about.
[SARA adjusts the monitor to focus in on a particular grid in the day planner. This is a different (+)/(-) grid:
HBWC / 3 3 EVO'D
1590 BC 14 G
90 BF 2 T'U'D
3930 S 9 G
114 TC
Sara: Let's take "HBWC/3, 1590 BC, 90 BF, 3930 S, 114 TC." Three hamburgers with cheese.
(Quick Flashback to ASHLEIGH JAMES eating the hamburgers quickly in her car. End of flashback.)
Sara: Content 530. 530 times three is where she gets 1590 BC. That's BC for "bad calories." And at 30 grams a pop 90 grams of BF.
Nick: Bad fat?
Sara: Yeah. The rest of her formula involves sodium, total carbohydrates and the actual weight of everything she ate.
(CATHERINE closes her eyes at the thought.)
Grissom: And so, she was, uh ... operating like a scientist seeking a perfect formula to take her pain away.
Sara: Or disappear altogether. Which brings me to the minus side of her equation. She would write down the number of times she T'U'D, threw up, in this case twice-- or EVO'D.
Nick: "Evo'd"?
Sara: Moving her bowels. The directions on her disposable enema box use the term "evacuate". So, after her burger binge, she "3 EVO'd, 14 G, 2 T'U'D, 9 G, 3 #1." She evo'd three times. But her calculations didn't stop there ... "G" stands for grams.
(Quick Flashback to ASHLEIGH JAMES carrying a ziploc'd baggie to the scale. Flash to white. ASHLEIGH JAMES looking down at the weight with a worried look on her face. Flash to white. Resume to present.)
Warrick: Fourteen gram ... wait a minute. You're telling me that she weighed her bowels?
Catherine: Yeah. We bagged it.
Sara: Input and output down to the last quarter gram.
Warrick: Well, that makes sense why the blood and skin under Ashleigh James's fingernails is a perfect match to Ashleigh James.
Grissom: She attacked herself.
(Quick Flashback back to the teaser -- to ASHLEIGH JAMES sitting in front of her vanity mirror as in the teaser. Her hair is up. She's wrapped in a towel. She reaches for her cosmetics kit. The reflection in the side mirror shows a reflection of ASHLEIGH JAMES' face mutilated. Flash to white. Blood drips into the sink. Flash to white. Side camera view of ASHLEIGH picking and digging at her own face. Flash to white.)
Grissom: (V.O.) I mean, Ashleigh was convinced that everything about her needed to be fixed. The real problem was inside her head. She couldn't deal with that so she tried to fix the outside. Hence, the digging and picking and purging and bleeding.
(End of flashback. Resume to present. Camera on GRISSOM.)
Grissom: To us, it would be torture. To her ... some sort of release.
Catherine: Which is why Rod cut her loose. She was no longer "bankable".
Warrick: Also why Frank was so angry at Rod.
Nick: Yeah, he destroyed Frank's vision of her.
Grissom: So the victim and the killer became one and the same. The very nature of addiction -- whether it be self-medicating herself or self-mutilating -- is that the very behavior we use to survive it becomes a behavior that ends up killing us.
Nick: But wait, that still doesn't answer how Ashleigh ended up in a shopping cart by the freeway.
Grissom: Well, the fingerprints explain that.
(Quick Flashback to ASHLEIGH JAMES struggling out of the bathroom. She falls against the wall leaving a bloodied handprint behind. Flash to white. She barely makes it over to her bed where she collapses on it in a heap. Flash to white. CASSIE appearing in the doorway and finding her sister on the bed. Flash to white. CASSIE shutting the faucet off. Flash to white. CASSIE crying over her sister and dragging her off the bed. Flash to white. End of flashback. Resume to present on GRISSOM.)
Grissom: I think Cassie was trying to take care of her sister. She pushed her to a place where she thought she'd be safe. Where she thought she could see herself for how beautiful she really was.
(Quick Flashback to ASHLEIGH JAMES in the shopping cart. CASSIE is pushing her to the bridge. The billboard can be seen in the distance. Flash to white. CASSIE kisses her sister's hair and cries. Flash to white. CASSIE walking away, leaving her sister in the cart below the billboard. Flash to white. End of flashback.)
(Resume to present. Camera on pictures of CASSIE JAMES' mug shot on the right and ASHLEIGH JAMES' magazine cover on the left. WARRICK is looking at the photographs he's holding. He asks the final, lingering unanswered question: ...)
Warrick: What happened to these girls?
(WARRICK looks up at ... GRISSOM who glances over at ... SARA who looks across to ... NICK who turns to ... CATHERINE who shakes her head and closes her eyes. Everyone is lost in their own thoughts. Camera holds on CATHERINE.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[EXT. BUSY SIDEWALK - DAY]
(CASSIE is back out on the street. GRISSOM is with her carrying her shopping cart to the sidewalk. He puts it down as CASSIE starts rummaging through the sidewalk garbage bins.)
Grissom: I'm sorry about your sister, Cassie.
Cassie James: The dead don't bleed.
Grissom: True. Death does have some advantages. Would you like me to help you get in a shelter?
Cassie James: No, I would need a shelter from a shelter. No, no, no. Out here, I can hunt and I can range and I can find the things that I need out here. I mean, you never know what you need until you find it.
Grissom: Or until you lose it.
Cassie James: I mean, all we are is what we try to get rid of. Fat and newspapers and loneliness and cat food cans. And there are going-away people and there are left-behind people but, you know, everybody's secrets ... everybody's secrets are the same.
Grissom: Were your and your sister's secrets the same?
Cassie James: My sister didn't have secrets. Her secrets had her. That... I told you I didn't ... I don't know. I mean, you know, y-y-you-you can pick through a million lives and never have one of your own.
Grissom: Looking for things, analyzing them ... trying to figure out the world -- that's a life.
Cassie James: You never know what you need until you find it. And the next thing I find it might be the thing that changes everything.
Grissom: What will you do when you find it?
Cassie James: Sleep ... the most perfect sleep.
(GRISSOM stops walking and watches CASSIE continue on ahead of him pulling her cart behind her. She's muttering to herself ... continuing on with her life.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[EXT. LAS VEGAS (STOCK) -- DAY]
[SCENE_BREAK]
[EXT. LAS VEGAS - SIDEWALK -- DAY]
(The camera follows GRISSOM as he walks along the sidewalk. The usual noise of the bustling city is gradually reduced to general muffled sounds and the occasional clear, identifiable sound.)
(GRISSOM stops to look at the water fountain and we can hear the sounds of the water fountain as he stops to look at it. Even that sound is muffled and unclear.)
(He moves to cross the street and is startled by the sound of a car screeching to a halt when it's nearly upon him. Only then does he stop. Something's terribly wrong.)
(GRISSOM continues across the street and stops when he gets to the other side. We still can't hear anything other than muffled unrecognizable sounds. GRISSOM stands there and looks out at the silent world in front of him.)
Grissom (v.o.): Obviously most of crime scene investigation is about seeing. But much of it is about hearing as well. Listening. Knowing how to listen. Not just to what people are saying but how they say it ... how their tone of voice matches their facial expressions or body posture. So, even if I read lips and know what they're saying ... it's not enough.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE]
Doctor: We're both scientists, Mr. Grissom, so let me tell you the science. You've got otosclerosis. Basically, this means a bony growth has begun to form around the base of the stapes. What this does is prevent the stapes from moving and passing vibrations to the inner ear effectively neutralizing sound waves.
Grissom: (nods) It's hereditary -- my mother.
Doctor: Most doctors think so. But there's no way to know when it's going to show up and there's no way to reverse it once it does.
Grissom: Right. How long do you think?
Doctor: (shakes her head) I don't have that answer. | Plan: A: Season Finale; Q: What season of CSI is this? A: The CSIs; Q: Who investigates when a body is found stuffed in a shopping cart? A: an unidentified young woman; Q: Whose body was found in an overturned shopping cart? A: Her horribly disfigured and partially decomposed face; Q: What is a nightmare of blood, scabs and scars? A: A huge circular hole; Q: What dominates the left cheek of the victim? A: the mystery; Q: What did the contents of the shopping cart add to? A: code; Q: What language were the notes in the leather day planner written in? Summary: Season Finale. The CSIs investigate when the body of an unidentified young woman is discovered stuffed in an overturned shopping cart near a freeway underpass. Her horribly disfigured and partially decomposed face is a nightmare of blood, scabs and scars, as if she'd been shoved into a fan. A huge circular hole dominates her left cheek. Someone not only wanted her dead, Grissom reasons, but "they wanted her ugly." Adding to the mystery are the cart's other contents: an expensive handbag, fashion magazines and a leather day planner with notes written in code. |
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: So what'd you think?
Amy: It was good.
Sheldon: That's it? Good"
Amy: I enjoyed it. When you told me I was going to be losing my virginity, I didn't think you meant showing me Raiders of the Lost Ark for the first time.
Sheldon: My apologies. I chose my words poorly. I should have said you were about to have your world rocked on my couch. Anyway, thank you for watching it. It's one of my all-time favourites.
Amy: It was very entertaining despite the glaring story problem.
Sheldon: Story problem? You, oh, Amy, what a dewy-eyed moon-calf you are. Raiders of the Lost Ark is the love child of Steven Spielberg and George Lucas, two of the most gifted filmmakers of our generation. I've watched it 36 times, except for the snake scene and the face-melting scene, which I can only watch when it's still light out, but, I defy you to find a story problem. Here's my jaw, drop it.
Amy: All right. Indiana Jones plays no role in the outcome of the story. If he weren't in the film, it would turn out exactly the same.
Sheldon: Oh, I see your confusion. You don't understand. Indiana Jones was the one in the hat with the whip.
Amy: No, I do, and if he weren't in the movie, the Nazis would have still found the ark, taken it to the island, opened it up and all died, just like they did. Let me close that for ya. Credits sequence.
Scene: The foyer.
Leonard: Hey.
Penny: Hi. I thought you went to the comic book store on Wednesdays.
Leonard: Yeah, but Sheldon and Amy were having date night and they don't need me there to make it awkward. They have each other for that. So, how was school?
Penny: Oh, good. Check it out, The Disappointing Child by Beverly Hofstadter.
Leonard: You bought my mom's book?
Penny: Yeah. It's on the recommended reading list for my psychology class.
Leonard: Oh, come on. Not that book. It, it's got, like, every horrible story from my childhood in it.
Penny: Oh, cool. Are there pictures?
Leonard: Seriously, please find another book.
Penny: Oh, come on. Why? How bad could it be?
Leonard: There, there's chapters about potty training, and bed-wetting and masturbation. Basically, if something came out of me, she wrote about it. You know what? Do whatever you want, just don't talk to me about it.
Penny: Not even the chapter on the breast-feeding crisis?
Leonard: It was not a crisis. Apparently, I favoured the left one, she got a little lopsided.
Penny: Oh, my God, you still go left.
Scene: The cafeteria.
Raj: Which celebrity would you say I look like the most?
Howard: Halle Berry. Why?
Raj: Stuart and I are putting dating profiles online, and it's one of the questions. And thank you, I'd kill for that woman's bone structure.
Leonard: Why are you reading Pride and Prejudice?
Sheldon: I'll tell you why. Amy ruined Raiders of the Lost Ark for me, so now I'm trying to find something beloved to her and ruin that.
Howard: Because her life wasn't enough?
Raj: Wait, how can, how can anyone ruin Raiders? It's perfect.
Sheldon: Yeah, except for the fact that Indiana Jones is completely irrelevant to the story. With or without him, the Nazis find the ark, open it and die.
All: Aw!
Howard: Hey, wait a minute. No, the Nazis were digging in the wrong place. The only reason they got the ark was because Indy found it first.
Leonard: Actually, they were only digging in the wrong place because Indy had the medallion. Without him, they would have had the medallion and dug in the right place.
All: Aw!
Scene: Penny's apartment.
Penny: Okay, I know you don't want to talk about it, but can I just ask you one question about your mom's book?
Leonard: No.
Penny: I just want to know why a five-year-old boy puts on his mom's make-up and wears balloon boobies.
Leonard: They weren't boobies, they were muscles. And the make-up was green. I was pretending to be The Hulk.
Penny: You were wearing her bra.
Leonard: That was to keep my muscles from sagging. Can we please stop talking about this?
Penny: Okay, okay. But you know, as a student of psychology who got a check-plus on her first homework assignment, I think, sometimes, it's good to open up about these things.
Leonard: Okay, fine. Do you want to know why I dressed like The Hulk? Because I was always mad at my mom and I wanted to smash my way out of that house.
Penny: Well, why were you so angry?
Leonard: Gee, I don't know. Maybe it's because I was always the subject of her little experiments. Did you get to the chapter where she staged the Easter egg hunt with no eggs to see how long I'd keep looking? The answer, by the way, June.
Penny: Sweetie, I'm so sorry. I wish there was something I could do to make you feel better.
Leonard: I do, too, but there's not.
Penny: Really? Are you sure about that?
Leonard: Of course, who am I to argue with a check-plus student? Just warning you, I'm gonna go right. Don't make a big deal out of it.
Scene: Raj's apartment.
Stuart: Is make-up really necessary?
Raj: Well, when someone looks at your dating profile, the first thing they see is your picture. I just want to make sure you look fun and full of life and not like a body they just pulled out of the river. All right, here we go, and smile. Okay, uh-uh, that one's in the bank. How about this? Turn away, and then turn back into it. But when you do, imagine the camera is the girl you want to meet.
Stuart: You got it.
Raj: Okay, uh, let's try it again. Uh, but this time, pretend the girl you want to meet doesn't want to hurt you.
Stuart: I don't think I can give you that.
Raj: Come on. One more time. Yeah, it's, it's a little blurry, but I think that works in your favour. Do you want a beer?
Stuart: Sure. Hey, have you finished writing your profile yet?
Raj: Almost. Oh, what did you put as the one-word description of yourself?
Stuart: I put unobjectionable. But now that I hear it out loud, it just seems like I'm being cocky. What did you put for your best feature?
Raj: My parents' money. Uh, what did you put for your best feature?
Stuart: I put: not applicable.
Raj: Come on, dude, you're being too hard on yourself. You've got a lot of good stuff going on.
Stuart: Really? Like what?
Raj: Well, okay, you're a, you're a talented artist, you own your own business.
Stuart: Neither of those things have ever helped me meet a woman.
Raj: Okay, well, can we imply that you're well-endowed?
Stuart: I do have one oddly long testicle.
Raj: Okay, now you're talking like a winner!
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: Whatcha doin'?
Sheldon: Oh, it turns out Amy's beloved Pride and Prejudice is a flawless masterpiece. He's got too much pride, she's got too much prejudice, it just works.
Leonard: So you're looking to ruin something for her in the funny pages?
Sheldon: Amy has a fondness for the comic strip Marmaduke.
Leonard: Mm-hmm. And?
Sheldon: And I think I've got it. Consider, a family possesses a dog that is so large and poorly disciplined, he causes nothing but problems. Why do they keep him?
Leonard: Maybe they fell in love with him as a puppy and didn't know how big he was gonna be.
Sheldon: Of course. You know, why couldn't she just like Ziggy? Yeah? That thing's riddled with plot holes.
Leonard: Sorry, buddy.
Sheldon: Ooh, I think she's a fan of Garfield as well. Oh, darn it, now so am I.
Leonard: I'll see you later. I gotta go watch a stupid football game with Penny.
Sheldon: Wait, hang on. You've spent time with Amy. Can you think of anything she's fond of that has a bunch of flaws she hasn't noticed?
Leonard: I gotta go.
Scene: Penny's apartment.
Leonard: You ready to go?
Penny: Yep. Hey, and maybe this time you don't try and talk sports with the guys.
Leonard: Some sports bar. It's like they never even heard of Quidditch. Do we really have to go?
Penny: Oh, come on. Every time we're about to hang out with my friends, you don't want to. It's like, It's too loud, or the bathroom's too dirty, or they put a chicken wing in my ear. I mean...
Leonard: Well, you're, you're right. Let's just go.
Penny: Hey, what's going on with you?
Leonard: Nothing, I'm fine.
Penny: All right, hang on. is this still about your mom's book?
Leonard: No. Not everything is about my mom.
Penny: 'Cause if you're still upset about that, we don't have to go.
Leonard: Except this is totally about my mom.
Penny: I'm so sorry. I never should have read that book. You know what? You want to just get dinner and watch the game here?
Leonard: That sounds nice. Yeah.
Penny: Okay.
Leonard: Or, you know, we could get take-out and watch the Blu-ray extended version of The Hobbit movie with commentary track. On account of how sad I am about my mom.
Scene: Leonard's lab.
Howard: Leonard, you ready for lunch?
Leonard: One sec. Hey. Sorry.
Howard: Hi, Penny.
Penny: Hi. All right, sweetie. You hang in there today.
Leonard: I'll try, but I might be sad again tonight.
Penny: Okay.
Howard: Wow. s*x at work?
Leonard: Leave it alone. That's my girlfriend.
Howard: Sorry.
Leonard: Who just had s*x with me at work.
Howard: Damn. How'd you swing that?
Leonard: Well, whenever I talk about how awful my mom was, Penny will do anything to make me feel better.
Howard: Seriously?
Leonard: Look, I mean, I'm not proud of it, but it does work. I got her to watch a six-part documentary on Monty Python. Even I was bored, I just wanted to see if she'd make it to the end.
Howard: You sound kind of proud of it.
Leonard: I am, I'm really proud.
Scene: The apartment.
Amy (on webcam): Hello, Sheldon. Is everything okay?
Sheldon: Yes. Why?
Amy: Well, the last time you made an unscheduled video-chat, there was a curly fry in your regular fries and you thought someone might be trying to slip you a mickey.
Sheldon: April 13, a dark night, indeed.
Amy: So what can I do for you?
Sheldon: I'm calling to invite you to a spontaneous date night tomorrow evening.
Amy: Really?
Sheldon: Yes. You were kind enough to watch Raiders of the Lost Ark with me. So I'd like to return the favour by inviting you to watch an episode of your favourite childhood television series, Little House on the Prairie.
Amy: That sounds lovely. Why are you rubbing your hands together?
Sheldon: Um, I'm putting on lotion. Are you in or not?
Amy: Of course I'm in.
Sheldon: Excellent. Then I shall see you tomorrow. Good night, Dr. Fowler.
Amy: Good night, Dr. Cooper.
Sheldon: Good night, indeed. What a rube. Why would I put on lotion when I have such soft hands?
[SCENE_BREAK]
Scene: Howard and Bernadette's apartment.
Bernadette: You were really quiet during dinner. Is everything okay?
Howard: Yeah. I guess I was just thinking about my mom, and how sad my childhood was.
Bernadette: Yeah, I bet it sucked. I'm gonna take a bath, you do the dishes.
Howard: How about I take a bath with you and see what happens.
Bernadette: Here's what's gonna happen. I'm gonna take a bath, and you're gonna do the dishes.
Howard: That's it? No compassion?
Bernadette: Aw, poor Howie. We good? I'm gonna take a bath.
Howard: Bernie...
Bernadette: God, what is going on with you?
Howard: I'm sharing my pain.
Bernadette: And I'm not buying it. Try again.
Howard: I'm learning to be a man in a culture where it's increasingly difficult to know how?
Bermadette: Strike two.
Howard: I'm copying Leonard. When he does this to Penny, they have s*x and watch Monty Python.
Bernadette: Howard.
Howard: I know. It was dumb, I shouldn't have done it. And it's making me feel sad. So sad. You know, why don't you take a bath? I'll do the dishes.
Scene: Raj's apartment.
Raj: Three, two, one.
Stuart: That's it. Our dating profiles are live on the Internet.
Raj: Attention all shoppers, my business is open for business!
Stuart: That's right, ladies. For all you know, I'm confident and fun to be around.
Raj: Oh, cool, it tells you when someone's reading your profile. Jenny309. I hope that's not her weight.
Stuart: If it is, I'll take her. Ooh, I got one, too. The ladies are coming to us. Oh, man, if I'd started this years ago, I'd be divorced two or three times by now.
Raj: What? Another one. You know, it, it's weird. When they're reading your profile, does it, does it make you feel exposed? Like they see you naked?
Stuart: Well, they're not running away screaming, so, no.
Scene: The apartment.
Amy: I love Little House. It made me want to live on a farm so much I tried to milk my cat. That tangy bowl of Cheerios was not worth the stitches.
Sheldon: Well, you sit back, relax and enjoy a beloved childhood memory. You see that cabin there? I read they were illegally squatting on Indian land. Yeah. Personally, I think what we did to the Native Americans was wrong, but this is your favourite show, not mine. Oh, look at little Laura Ingalls, eating that peanut butter sandwich. Peanut butter? Huh? That's strange, since peanut butter wasn't introduced until the early 1900s. If I knew this show was about time travel, I would have watched it much sooner.
Amy: You're trying to get back at me for what I said about Raiders of the Lost Ark.
Sheldon: That's silly. Almost as silly as Dr. Baker having a telephone, since telephones only existed in large cities at that time. This is more like Little House on the Preposterous.
Amy: Sheldon, we're in a relationship. When you get angry, just tell me. You don't need to seek revenge.
Sheldon: Are you sure? Every time my dad stayed out all night, my mom would put hamster poop in his chewing tobacco.
Amy: Well, that's not how we're going to do it.
Sheldon: Fine. I'm mad at you. Not only did you ruin Raiders for me, you may have ruined the whole franchise. Except for the fourth one, which was bad before you got your mitts on it.
Amy: I shouldn't have said it. I'm sorry.
Sheldon: Thank you.
Amy: Do you feel better?
Sheldon: Yes. But not as good as I'm going to when I tell you that your precious Garfield has no reason to hate Mondays. He's a cat. He doesn't have a job.
Scene: Penny's apartment.
Leonard: Hey, I was just... what is happening?
Penny: Oh, just a little treat. I know you've been feeling really bad about your mom lately.
Leonard: Oh, oh, I have. So bad.
Penny: And I wanted to make you feel better, so I planned something very special for you.
Leonard: Uh-huh, I can already feel it working.
Mrs Hofstadter (on webcam): Hello, Leonard.
Leonard: Mom?
Mrs Hofstadter: I understand you have been whining about my parenting in order to emotionally manipulate your girlfriend.
Leonard: I... uh...
Penny: Bernadette told me everything. Now you don't get the left or the right.
Mrs Hofstadter: Let's discuss why you continue to involve me in your s*x life.
Leonard: Oh, please, Mommy. No, Mommy.
Mrs Hofstadter: When you were six years old, you walked in on me and your father naked. I was swatting his bottom with your brand new Ping Pong paddle.
Leonard: I didn't dream that?
Mrs Hofstadter: How did that make you feel?
Leonard: Penny, come back. I'm sad for real now.
Scene: Raj's apartment.
Raj: In the last two hours, 162 women have read our profiles. How many of them have sent us messages?
Stuart: Combined?
Raj: Yes.
Stuart: Zero.
Raj: Dude, this is, this is brutal.
Stuart: I don't think I've ever felt so rejected. And I had a rescue dog who ran back to the pound.
Raj: This is the worst. If we're gonna get shot down, we might as well just go to a bar and do it old school.
Stuart: And make them look us in the eye.
Raj: Yeah, anything is better than this.
Scene: A bar.
Raj: Hello.
Girl: Not interested.
Raj: I was wrong. This is worse.
Scene: The apartment.
Howard: Wait, wait, if it wasn't for Indiana Jones, the ark would never have ended up at the warehouse.
Sheldon: That's true. He collected and delivered the ark to the proper authorities for filing.
Raj: Like a hero.
All: Yeah!
Leonard: Although, technically, Indy was supposed to take the ark to a museum to be studied. He couldn't even get that done.
All: Aw! | Plan: A: Amy; Q: Who is upset that Sheldon spoils a movie for her? A: Sheldon; Q: Who tries to spoil Little House on the Prairie for Amy? A: Indiana Jones; Q: What character does Amy consider superfluous in Raiders of the Lost Ark? A: the story's outcome; Q: What did Amy think would have been the same with or without Indiana Jones? A: Amy's favorite TV show; Q: What is Little House on the Prairie? A: historical inaccuracies; Q: What does Sheldon point out in Little House on the Prairie? A: his purpose; Q: What does Amy realize about Sheldon's actions? A: revenge; Q: What does Penny take by wearing a babydoll outfit? A: her psychology class; Q: What class did Penny buy The Disappointing Child for? A: Penny; Q: Who buys The Disappointing Child? A: Leonard's mother; Q: Who wrote The Disappointing Child? A: his childhood problems; Q: What did Leonard's mother write about in The Disappointing Child? A: her sympathy; Q: What does Leonard take advantage of when Penny comforts him? A: Howard's trick; Q: What does Bernadette tell Penny about? A: a pantless Leonard; Q: What does Penny leave in her babydoll outfit? A: women; Q: What group of people leave no messages for Raj and Stuart on their online dating site profiles? A: dating sites; Q: What do Raj and Stuart realize they don't need? Summary: Amy and Sheldon watch Raiders of the Lost Ark. When he asks her what she thought of it, Amy considers Indiana Jones superfluous as the story's outcome would have been the same with or without him. After spoiling the movie for Sheldon, he tries to find something Amy loves and spoil it for her. Sheldon watches Amy's favorite TV show Little House on the Prairie with her and points out historical inaccuracies. Amy, realizing his purpose, says he should just let her know if he is angry, not seek revenge. He complies; Amy apologizes. For her psychology class, Penny buys The Disappointing Child (in which Leonard's mother wrote about his childhood problems), upsetting Leonard. Penny goes out of her way to comfort him; he takes advantage of her sympathy. Howard finds out and unsuccessfully tries it with Bernadette, who tells Penny about Howard's trick. Penny now sees through Leonard and takes revenge by wearing a babydoll outfit, only to leave a pantless Leonard skyping with his mother. Meanwhile, Raj and Stuart, depressed when women checking out their newly-uploaded online dating site profiles leave no messages, realize they don't need dating sites, and decide to move on. |
LOS ANGELES. During the burial of Nadia, Sydney makes a speech in the church in front of members of the APO and the CIA.
SYDNEY: Today, we shouldn't focus on what we lost, but what we gained by having Nadia in our lives. I not only gained a sister, but a friend. When I think of the years of loneliness she had, (At the mortuary, a man opens the file of Renee and puts her body out of the box) no family to speak of, not knowing where she truly belonged, I am so grateful for the warmth and affection she was surrounded by in the end. She taught me the meaning of family. (During the autopsy, the man finds an element inside the body of Renee) That it goes deeper than blood...that it starts with friendship...and it comforts me to know that although she was taken far too soon, what she left me with will stay with me forever. (The man finds that this is a microchip. Sydney puts a flower on the body of Nadia. Sydney starts to speek with Dixon). How could I have trusted him again? After everything?
DIXON: You thought he'd changed.
SYDNEY: Nadia didn't. I convinced her that he deserved a second chance. I showed him compassion. I won't make that mistake again. ZURICH, headquarter of prophet5.
PEYTON: Has he asked for anything?
GUARD: No, just a pitcher of water. Peyton enters in Sloane's room
PEYTON: How's it coming? Page 47, have you decoded it yet?
SLOANE: As I told you before, it's going to take time, more time if these interruptions continue.
PEYTON: It's been almost a week already, Mr. Sloane. So when do you think we may see some results? This is isn't a crossword puzzle, Ms. Peyton. The key to Rambaldi's endgame is encoded within that manuscript where it has remained hidden for the past 500 years. I hardly think that a week is unreasonable.
PEYTON: Perhaps you'd like to take a walk around the grounds, something to clear your mind, allow you to focus.
SLOANE: And I'm sure the armed gentleman posted outside the door won't mind if I slip away for a bit of lunch.
PEYTON: You're not a prisoner, if that's what you're asking. But given your fugitive status, you can understand our reservations about letting you walk around in public.
SLOANE: Yes, of course.
PEYTON: I know you've had to make some tough sacrifices. We all have.
SLOANE: You think I'm having a crisis of conscience because I killed Nadia? Let me be clear. No one will stand between me and the fulfilment of Rambaldi's ultimate vision. No one. And unless you and your superiors know someone else who's familiar with 15th century cryptography, I'm sure you can wait a few more days.
PEYTON: Of course. If there's anything we can do to expedite your work, you'll let me know. LOS ANGELES. APO. Inside Marshall's Office. Thomas and Jack watch the microchip.
THOMAS: Have you ever seen anything like that before?
MARSHALL: It's basically a solid state memory chip. Cutting edge tech, at least it was back in the 70's, which I'm guessing is when this little guy was made.
THOMAS: What was it doing inside Renee?
MARSHALL: That's the million dollar question, isn't it? Basically, there's several hundred kilobytes of...data on this thing. Problem is, it's all encoded.
JACK: I would have thought 30 year old encrypted algorithms wouldn't present a problem.
MARSHALL: Well, they wouldn't if the code was complete, but half the data's missing, probably corrupted over time. Without it, I can't create a baseline for encryption analysis.
JACK: And you can't extrapolate the missing data?
MARSHALL: I'm trying to, but I'm not going to hold my breath.
THOMAS: What about these markings? What are these?
MARSHALL: It's probably nothing, Maybe just a serial number, maybe, or, the name of the company that desi... (Marshall observes the microchip under a microscope) wooo !
JACK: What is it?
MARSHALL: Hold on a sec. I'll put it up on the monitor. (Jack and Thomas are surprised when they watch the picture).
THOMAS: We should tell Sydney.
JACK: I'll do that. In the meantime, Marshall, do whatever takes to break that encryption. (Unbeknownst to them, their conversation is being recorded by a man) I want to know what else is on this chip, and I want to know what it was doing inside Renee e.
MAN: (calling someone) we just got a hit on one of the hard lines. Contact Peyton. I'm sending it over now. LOS ANGELES. In Sydney's apartment. She tries to calm down her daughter.
SYDNEY: Isabelle, will you please sleep? Sweetie... (Someone rings at the door) Hey, dad.
JACK: Hey, sweetheart. Isn't this her nap time?
SYDNEY: I wish. Apparently, this little girl doesn't need sleep anymore. We got a collective four hours last night.
JACK: It must be genetic. You used to wake up at 4 am every day like clockwork.
SYDNEY: I am sorry about that. Did Marshall finish his analysis of the chip?
JACK: Actually, that's why I'm here. Marshall found data on it, all of it encrypted, but he also found something else. Vaughn's name was etched on the outside of the device, his real name... André Michaux.
SYDNEY: Wait, what?
JACK: Marshall believes the chip was placed inside Renée almost 30 years ago.
SYDNEY: Vaughn and Renée didn't know each other 30 years ago.
JACK: No, but their fathers did. Vaughn told you they were working together against Prophet5.
SYDNEY: And you're thinking what, that one of them implanted the chip inside Renee?
JACK: At this point, it's the most likely presumption.
SYDNEY: Why? Why would they...
JACK: I don't know, but someone left Vaughn's name on it intentionally, expecting it to be found. It's possible he may have some understanding of what the chip contains.
SYDNEY: Dad, no. As far as Prophet5 is concerned, Vaughn is dead. Involving him at this point...
JACK: A calculated risk, I know. He's still in recovery.
SYDNEY: He is not field ready.
JACK: I know. I'll do everything I can to protect him. We'll have an agent dead drop the chip to Vaughn. He'll never be seen.
SYDNEY: Dad...
JACK: Sydney, we don't have a choice. Sloane's decision to openly join Prophet5, suggests that they're close to their endgame. Right now this chip is our only lead.
SYDNEY: OK, But if someone's going to take that chip to Vaughn, it's me. ZURICH, headquarter of prophet5. Inside a room, Peyton and Sloane listen to a recorded conversation between Dixon and Sloane.
DIXON: Syd is en route to Nepal to see someone who may be able to decipher the chip.
SLOANE: Who's the contact?
DIXON: Someone who worked with Renee. That's all Jack told me.
PEYTON: This contact Sydney's meeting in Nepal, do you have any idea who it is?
SLOANE: No, I don't know of any assets in Nepal. So, I assume this means that you're going to take action on this. Are you sure that's wise? A.P.O. will want to know how you obtained the intel, which could prompt them to looking into the security leak. Whatever's on that chip, I certainly hope it's worth the risk.
PEYTON: Thanks for the counsel. We're sending an agent to intercept the device. We'd like you to brief her before she leaves.
SLOANE: Fine, although I'm not sure what further assistance I can provide.
PEYTON: I think you'd be surprised. (Peyton gives a call) Send her in, please. (Anna Espinosa Sydney clone) enters the room) you remember Anna Espinosa. LOS ANGELES. APO, Tom decodes a message hidden in a magazine.
RACHEL: Eh
TOM: Eh
RACHEL: You busy?
THOMAS: Just trying to catch upon the latest tech. What's going on?
RACHEL: When was the last time you went to a movie?
THOMAS: The last movie?
RACHEL: I used to go to movies all the time, and I haven't be in so long, because there's always something more important to do.
THOMAS: This isn't about going to the movies, is it? When you were working at The Shed, did you ever see an agent buried?
RACHEL: No
THOMAS: It takes a while to get over it.
RACHEL: What if I can't? What if I'm not cut out for this? First it was Gordon Dean, and now it's Sloane. They were right in front of met he whole time deceiving me, and I was oblivious.
THOMAS: You're a good agent, Rachel. Listen...I would tell you if I didn't think you could handle this.
RACHEL: Thanks. (She leaves Thomas' office). Thomas phones to somebody.
THOMAS: I'd like to place a classified ad in next week's edition. LOS ANGELES. APO, near a chimney, Sloane briefs Anna.
SYDNEY (ANNA): A child?
SLOANE: Yes, that's right. Sydney has a daughter.
SYDNEY (ANNA): What's her name?
SLOANE: Isabelle.
SYDNEY (ANNA): I suppose Vaughn is the father or was the father, I should say.
SLOANE: Yes, that's right.
SYDNEY (ANNA): In this business, it's always the children who suffer. Arvin, it troubles you, doesn't it? Looking at me, seeing her look back at you.
SLOANE: You're nothing like her.
SYDNEY (ANNA): I suppose you know what I'm like.
SLOANE: Of course I do. You're driven by anger. You crave power, which I assume was something you were deprived of in childhood. Sydney, on the other hand, is driven by a sense of duty, of loyalty to those she loves. That's where she gets her strength. It's also what makes her weak.
SYDNEY (ANNA): Attachments are vulnerability, which are easily exploited.
SLOANE: And yet, she somehow always manages to best you. And now a victory she's not even aware of. Tell me, I imagine you do your best to avoid mirrors... yes?
SYDNEY (ANNA): And I suppose you believe you're driven by faith. Look where it's gotten you. Something tells me being Prophet5 newest pawn wasn't exactly your endgame.
SLOANE: Unlike yourself, I know my place in the big picture. You, however, will continue to deceive yourself if you think you're anything more than dispensable. This...procedure that you've undergone... Surely there must be a reason why they want you to look like Sydney. And when that purpose is fulfilled, you will become unnecessary
SYDNEY (ANNA): Lovely catching up. Sydney leaves the room. Nadia appears as a ghost.
NADIA: The truth is you're no different than she is. You're dispensable, too. NEPAL. A plane lands. Through another plane passengers are getting out. Nabin approaches Anna because He thinks she is Sydney.
NABIN: Miss Bristow...I'm Nabin. I'm afraid you must have overlooked me. (He shows his red scarf).
SYDNEY (ANNA): Yes, I did.
NABIN: It's no matter. You yourself are hard to overlook. In fact...You're just as lovely as Mr. Vaughn described.
SYDNEY (ANNA): (surprised) Mr. Vaughn...
NABIN: Don't tell him I told you. He talks about you all the time. Come, my car is just this way. The drive up to Tambor is only 20 minutes.
SYDNEY (ANNA): How is Mr. Vaughn?
NABIN: He's recovering very well. Nicely healed, I should think. Here we are. (He opens the jeep and places Anna suitcase) Can I help you with the bag? Another jeep arrives. Anna kills Nabin. A Nepalese joins her.
SYDNEY (ANNA): Hurry! We don't have much time. His name's Nabin. Michael Vaughn sent him to pick up agent Bristow.
MAN: Vaughn? Isn't he...
SYDNEY (ANNA): Apparently not.
MAN: I'll see you at the intercept point ion.
SYDNEY (ANNA): Wait. Wear this. (She gives him a red scarf). Just after Anna leaves, Sydney appears and sees her contact.
SYDNEY: Nabin ?
MAN: Miss Bristow. Welcome to Nepal.
SYDNEY: Thank you.
MAN: Right this way. Mr. Vaughn is so eager to see you. LOS ANGELES. APO, Marshall is on the phone.
MARSHALL: No, this is definitely not good, all right?
WOMAN: Sorry, sir.
MARSHALL: Answer me this: When will you have the one with the comfort grip in stock?
WOMAN: I'll transfer you to customer service.
MARSHALL: No!
WOMAN: Ask for the manager. His name...
MARSHALL: I'm sorry. Could you repeat that? I can't...
WOMAN: Can you hear me?
MARSHALL: No. It's just...There's like a clicking sound. Do you hear that clicking?
WOMAN: No. But I'll have the manager give you a call.
MARSHALL: Alright... Why don't you have him... call me? Thank you.
WOMAN: Alright..
MARSHALL: Thank you for nothing.
WOMAN: Thank you for calling. Marshall observes the phone after he hangs up, then He rushes inside Jack's office.
MARSHALL: We're out of coffee.
JACK: Coffee?
MARSHALL: Yeah...I know you might not...think that's important. A lot of people don't...don't drink coffee. (He catches Jack's pen) Generally might...say that you should have some tea or...Some soda, which also has some...caffeine, but I'm telling you, it's not the same. (He writes something to Jack who is completely astonish) It's...important. Somewhere else.
JACK: You're sure about this?
MARSHALL: Positive. I noticed a glitch on the phone, so I checked the PBX controls. According to the records, Sloane logged on to the network, and he put the entire phone system on some sort of passive surveillance mode, which...I didn't even know was possible!
JACK: How did he get access? All of his authorization codes were revoked four days ago.
MARSHAL: I was thinking the same thing but, remember, Sloane installed most of the systems. He must have installed some sort of backdoor in the network. Listen, for the past 24 hours, Sloane and most likely Prophet5 have be enable to monitor every conversation inside A.P.O.
JACK: We need to contact Sydney immediately. NEPAL. Jack calls Sydney when she is inside the jeep with the wrong Nabin.
SYDNEY: Hello?
JACK: Sydney? Listen to me very carefully. Are you with your contact?
SYDNEY: Yeah, I am.
JACK: There's been a security breach at A.P.O. It was Sloane. We have reason to believe you've been compromised.
SYDNEY: No, we're right on time, actually. I'll call you once we arrive. (Sydney hangs up and observes the man).
MAN: Cell phones. They are a miracle. In front of them, on the road, there is a broken truck. Near it a man makes signs to Sydney and Nabin.
SYDNEY: Don't slow down. Just go around.
MAN: You're in a hurry. I understand. But perhaps, shouldn't we stop to help? Sydney elbows him and tries to grab the wheel. The man on the road fires gunshots at them and the jeep veers off the road and into a ravine. The false Nabin is killed. Sydney is knocked out and stuck inside the jeep when Anna arrives.
SYDNEY (ANNA): Hello, Sydney (Sydney can't believe seeing her double. Anna picks the microchip inside Sydney's bag) Well, that was fairly easy. Of course, if I'd known it was in Renée, I would have saved us both the trouble and cut it out of her myself, when I slit her throat.
SYDNEY: Wait...Anna...
SYDNEY (ANNA): Sorry, Syd. Don't have time to chat. I've got a date. Now... I don't know exactly what I'm going to do with your boyfriend. But whatever it is, I'll have fun doing it. She throws her lighter in the jeep and leaves. Sydney tries to get out and short time after the jeep explodes. Anna arrives in Vaughn's hideout. She enters inside a very primitive house. She finds Vaughn who walks slowly with a cane.
VAUGHN: Eh.
SYDNEY (ANNA): Are you okay?
VAUGHN: Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. Actually, the doctor says I don't need this anymore. I think it looks debonair.
SYDNEY (ANNA): It does.
VAUGHN: God, I missed you. They kiss each other.
VAUGHN: How is she?
SYDNEY (ANNA): Isabelle. She's beautiful.
VAUGHN: Just like her mother. Isabelle. Isabelle. You named her Isabelle?
SYDNEY (ANNA): You like it?
VAUGHN: Yeah, it was my idea, wasn't it? What is it you wanted? Clementine? Not a day's gone by that I didn't want to call you, talk to you. I had this fear I'd never see you again. Silly, huh?
ANNA : Maybe a little. Sydney escapes in time and tries to walk up on the road. ZURICH, headquarter of prophet5.
PEYTON: I'm assuming this is good news. Have you made any progress?
SLOANE: No. Unfortunately, I've discovered an anomaly in the composition. Joseph Pinara's influence in Rambaldi's encryption. Pinara was a 14th century cleric who published...
PEYTON: I'll skip the history lesson, if you don't mind.
SLOANE: "Le Libraire". It's a private seller of used books in Geneva. They have a copy of the Pinara manuscript. I can't decipher Page 47 without it.
PEYTON: Fine. Write down the address. I'll get it myself.
SLOANE: Very well. (He writes the address and gives it to Peyton). Nadia appears again.
NADIA: How long do you think you can deceive them? La Page 47 ... Eventually they're going to find out you already know what it says. You're stalling. You must have some plan.
SLOANE: What do you want from me, Nadia?
NADIA: I don't want anything.
SLOANE: Why don't you understand, Nadia? Every sacrifice I've ever made has been for the greater good.
NADIA: Yet every sacrifice you've made has come at someone else's expense. Or have you forgotten?
SLOANE: Oh, no, I haven't forgotten. I play it over in my mind. The irony. All those years I was worried about your well being. And now I realize in the end, I had no choice.
NADIA: You still believe that, don't you? That your actions are controlled by fate? That you were chosen? Why, dad? Surely you must ask yourself why would Rambaldi choose you? You're not a man of honour. You're not particularly courageous. You're charitable, but only when it serves your own interest, and last but not least, you murder the people you claim to love.
SLOANE: What do you want from me, Nadia?
NADIA: I don't want anything.
SLOANE: Then why are you here
NADIA: Dad...I'm here because you want me here. Now you can pursue Rambaldi and have your daughter at the same time. Isn't that what you said you wanted? Just before you killed me?
SLOANE: No...Not like this. A guard opens the door.
GUARD: Sir? Do you need anything? I thought I heard you talking.
SLOANE: No. I'm fine. NEPAL. Inside Vaughn's house.
VAUGHN: I can't believe Renée's dead. If it hadn't been for her, I wouldn't have known about Prophet5 or the truth of my father. None of it. Who killed her?
SYDNEY (ANNA): Anna Espinosa.
VAUGHN: Anna? She was in jail.
SYDNEY (ANNA): Apparently Prophet5 arranged for her release. What do you think it is?
VAUGHN: I don't know. Renée never mentioned it. Marshall couldn't decode it?
SYDNEY (ANNA): He thought part of the code might be missing. Unless the data has been corrupted. He thinks it was in her body since she was a kid, maybe 30 years.
VAUGHN: What is it? Where was it, exactly?
SYDNEY (ANNA): What do you mean?
VAUGHN: Inside Renée's body, where was it?
SYDNEY (ANNA): I don't know. Why?
VAUGHN: My father once told me a story that I had a bike accident when I was a kid, drove it right into a tree. And even though I have no recollection of it, I never questioned him, because it left me with this scar. (He shows a scar on his chest). Maybe the code isn't corrupted at all. Maybe there's another half. Anna starts a chirurgical operation.
SYDNEY (ANNA): Okay, this might prevent infection, but it won't help with pain.
VAUGHN: Yeah, well, you can handle childbirth, I can handle this. I'm in good hands.
SYDNEY (ANNA): You need to sit very still. This is going to hurt.
VAUGHN: Yeah, I know. You mentioned that. It's okay. I trust you. Sydney goes inside the jeep and calls her father.
JACK: Hello.
SYDNEY: Dad, it's me.
JACK: Sydney, are you okay?
SYDNEY: You were right. The mission's been compromised. Anna knows about Vaughn.
JACK: Where are you?
SYDNEY: Wait, dad, listen to me. It gets worse. I've been doubled. NEPAL. Inside Vaughn's house.
SYDNEY (ANNA): You need to stay still. Think about some things.
VAUGHN: Yeah, well, give me something to think about. Tell me about Isabelle.
SYDNEY (ANNA): Well, she has your eyes, the same... blue green. And her smile is... is like your smile.
VAUGHN: Really?
SYDNEY (ANNA): Yeah, but her chin is pointy. It's like mine. It's cute.
VAUGHN: Oh, God, I can't wait to meet her!
SYDNEY (ANNA): I got it. (She gets the micro chip). Apply pressure.
VAUGHN: Same etchings?
SYDNEY (ANNA): "Renée Goursaud."
VAUGHN: Yeah, can I see that? (The two chips fit together) Perfect fit.
[SCENE_BREAK]
GENEVA.
PEYTON: I'm looking for a manuscript by Joseph Pinara. I called ahead.
BOOKSELLER: Wait one moment. I've got it right over here. Your receipt is in the book. Nothing else?
PEYTON: No, that'll be all. Thanks.
After Peyton is gone, the bookseller gives a call.
BOOKSELLER: I believe there is someone trying to contact you. No, it wasn't him. It was a woman, but she knew the protocol. NEPAL. Inside Vaughn's house. Anna and Vaughn find the code with the two microchips. They watch a map on the computer screen. They see: "EVAKUIERUNGPLAN ALPHA 3 ".
SYDNEY (ANNA): German.
VAUGHN: Yeah. Looks like some sort of emergency evacuation plan. Continuity of government from the cold war. It's a nuclear fallout bunker. Hamburg, Germany, under Bergner park.
SYDNEY (ANNA): You think there's something there?
VAUGHN: Maybe. I'm going to go with you to find out. Look, I know what you're thinking. I'm not ready, but, Syd, you said it yourself. My father left this map. Chances are, when you get there, you may need my help.
SYDNEY (ANNA): You're right. I'll call for transport.
VAUGHN: Okay. Sydney arrives in Vaughn's hut to see the helicopter depart
SYDNEY: No ! LOS ANGELES. APO, Jack leads a meeting.
JACK: What I'm about to tell you is not to leave this room. Agent Vaughn is alive.
MARSHALL: I knew it! I knew it! I knew he couldn't be... dead. Everybody is surprised.
JACK: For the last several months, Vaughn's been kept in a secure location in Nepal pending his recovery. I hope you can all understand that secrecy was a necessary measure to ensure his safety. Unfortunately, those measures weren't sufficient. Through Sloane's tapping of our network, prophet5 learned of Sydney's trip to Nepal. They sent an agent to intercept herer.
DIXON: Is she okay?
JACK: She's fine. She made it to Vaughn's location, but Vaughn was no longer there.
RACHEL: He was abducted.
JACK: In a matter of speaking. We managed to pick up the trail. This was taken in the Hamburg international airport one hour ago. The woman in the photo is not Sydney. HAMBOURG. Anna and Vaughn stake out a jewellery store near the bunker.
SYDNEY (ANNA): You sure you got the coordinates right? What happened to Bergner park?
VAUGHN: A lot changes in 30 years, but those bunkers were steel reinforced concrete. It would be pretty tough to demolish something like that. My guess is that they're still under there. We just have to find a way in.
SYDNEY (ANNA): You know, that diamond store over there it probably has some pretty expensive pieces. Chances are they're locked away every night.
VAUGHN: In some sort of basement storage room, maybe?
SYDNEY (ANNA): Worth a try. How do you want to handle this?
VAUGHN: Like we did in Cartagena.
SYDNEY (ANNA): I'll follow your lead.
VAUGHN: Okay, let's go. ZURICH, headquarter of prophet5. Outside, Sloane gets a visit of the ghost of Nadia.
NADIA: Do you really think you're going to get away with this? You're out of your league. They killed Vaughn. They killed Renée. They've probably killed Sydney by now.
SLOANE: Stop, Nadia. Just stop.
NAIDA: They're better than you, smarter. What makes you think you stand a chance? Peyton joins Sloane.
PEYTON: This should solve all your problems. The Pinara manuscript. I hope it helps. (Sloane looks behind him but Nadia is not here). Well, with all the work that has to be done, I'll get out of your way.
SLOANE: Unfortunately, I seem to be getting in my own way.
PEYTON: How is that?
SLOANE: The effects of losing a child cannot be underestimated. You're right. I am distracted. In order for me to concentrate on the future, I need to make peace with the past. HAMBOURG. Inside the jewellery store.
SYDNEY (ANNA): Oh, baby, look at this one. (She points out a ring)
VAUGHN: Really?
SYDNEY (ANNA): Oh, it's gorgeous!
VAUGHN: No, I'd prefer that one there. It's, you know... it's a little less big.
SYDNEY (ANNA): No, no, no, no.
JEWELLER: Is there anything you would like to see?
SYDNEY (ANNA): Hi. Is this a princess cut?
JEWELLER: Yes, it is. Your girlfriend has very good taste.
VAUGHN: Yeah, for that price, she might as well be a princess
JEWELLER: It costs nothing to try on Anna pretends to not be well.
JEWELLER: A stone of that quality has this effect on some people.
VAUGHN: No, she has seizures. Kelly, just breathe. It's okay. Could I get some help here, please? (He calls the guard). It's okay. Just relax. Vaughn gets the gun of the guard and Anna hits him. Vaughn points the gun on the jeweller.
VAUGHN: How do I get access downstairs?
JEWELLER: My keys... take my keys.
VAUGHN: Watch him. Vaughn gets down but there is nothing than a room with no doors.
SYDNEY (ANNA): I'm in Hamburg, Bromestrasse .I'll need an extraction.
JEWELLER: Don't hurt me, please. I'll do whatever you ask.
SYDNEY (ANNA): Then shut up. Thanks. (She kicks him). Vaughn breaks a wall and finds a room. Inside he finds a door with a numeric paddle. He manages to short-circuit the wire and to open the door. He lights the lamps and discovers a large room and a multitude of documents fixed on the walls. As he picks up a file, Anna arrives and points a gun at Vaughn.
SYDNEY (ANNA): I've got it from here.
VAUGHN: Who are you?
SYDNEY (ANNA): It's a pity you'll never know. (She pulls the trigger but Vaughn had taken out the clip).
VAUGHN: Sydney and I never went to Cartagena. And just for the record, you're a terrible kisser. Anna throws her knee in Vaughn's thorax, and then she puts his head through a window.
SYDNEY (ANNA): I always said Sydney was too good for you. They fight again. Vaughn, weakened from his seclusion, falls first. Anna gets the gun.
SYDNEY (ANNA): Let's see if this one's loaded. As Anna is about to kill Vaughn, Sydney arrives and shoots Anna dead. She gets quickly to see Vaughn.
VAUGHN: Sydney. Sydney.
SYDNEY: Are you all right?
VAUGHN: Yeah, I'm fine. How did you... They finally embrace for real. Sloane goes to a church with a Prophet5 guard and leaves a matchbook by the candles.
SLOANE: Okay, we can go now.. As he leaves, Sark arrives to pick up Sloane's message. HAMBOURG. Inside the bunker, Sydney and Vaughn investigate.
SYDNEY: Project summaries, test subjects, names, dates it's all here. Your father's research of prophet5.
VAUGHN: Most of these organizations still exist, Syd.
SYDNEY: We can end it all. Anna's cell phone rings.
SYDNEY: Hang on... Go ahead
PEYTON (In a car): I got your message. Did you get the chip?
SYDNEY: (pretends to be Anna) Yes. I'm done here.
PEYTON: Good. Bleichen and Bromestrasse. We should be there in five minutes. Sydney hangs up.
SYDNEY: That was Peyton. She's coming to extract Anna.
VAUGHN: Who's Peyton?
SYDNEY: Sloane is part of this. He works with prophet five. He killed Nadia. This is my chance to stop him.
VAUGHN: Sydney.
SYDNEY: I know. You can't go back to A.P.O. There are moles within the government. We can't trust anyone. Contact my father. Explain the situation.
VAUGHN: Okay, I will. Here, take this. (He separates the two microchips). It's useless to them without the other half. Take the tracking device in your phone and embed it in the chip before you hand it over. We'll be able to track your movements.
SYDNEY: I have to go.
VAUGHN: I know. Before Sydney leaves, she embraces Vaughn and says goodbye once again.
VAUGHN: Be careful. He looks at her as she leaves the room. Sydney gets inside Peyton's car.
PEYTON: We were expecting to hear from you sooner.
SYDNEY: I ran into a few complications. Nothing I couldn't handle.
PEYTON: And Sydney?
SYDNEY: She's dead. This is what they found inside Renée Rienne.
PEYTON: Nice work. Well, if you were able to pull this off, the rest should be easy. Yeah. | Plan: A: An autopsy; Q: What reveals that Renée Rienne has a chip implanted in her body? A: Michael Vaughn's; Q: What name is engraved on the chip in Renée Rienne's body? A: Vaughn; Q: Who is able to return home after the fight with Sydney? A: Andre Micheaux; Q: What is Michael Vaughn's real name? A: code; Q: What does the chip contain that is corrupted? A: Sydney; Q: Who shoots Anna in the head? A: plans; Q: What does Sydney make to travel to Nepal to meet with Vaughn? A: the Nepal airfield; Q: Where did Anna-as-Sydney intercept Sydney's contact? A: Anna-as-Sydney; Q: Who intercepts Sydney's contact? A: a car crash; Q: What almost killed Sydney? A: The two halves; Q: What part of the chip reveals the location of a hidden bunker in Germany? A: the phony contact; Q: Who did Sydney escape from? A: Prophet Five; Q: What is the name of the group that Vaughn and Rienne's fathers are working for? A: the upper hand; Q: What does Anna gain in the fight with Vaughn? A: Sloane; Q: Who is working to decode the recently revealed message on Page 47? A: an apparition; Q: What does Nadia appear as? A: Nadia; Q: Who taunts Sloane as he works to decode the message? A: Peyton; Q: Who does Sloane tell he needs a certain book to complete his work? A: a message; Q: What does Sloane send to the bookseller? A: the decoding; Q: What does Nadia reveal Sloane has already completed? A: Julian Sark; Q: Who is the book seller supposed to contact? Summary: An autopsy of Renée Rienne reveals that she has a chip implanted in her body. The chip is engraved with Michael Vaughn's real name, Andre Micheaux, and contains what appears to be corrupted code. Sydney makes plans to travel to Nepal to meet with Vaughn. At the Nepal airfield, Anna-as-Sydney intercepts Sydney's contact and learns from him that Vaughn is still alive. A substitute contact intercepts Sydney and diverts her, almost killing her in a car crash. Anna meets with Vaughn and shows him the chip. Vaughn figures out that the other half of the chip is implanted in him and he and Anna remove it. The two halves of the chip snap together and reveal the location of a hidden bunker in Germany. Anna and Vaughn travel to Germany. Sydney, having escaped from the phony contact, follows. Anna and Vaughn locate the bunker and break in through the basement of an adjoining jewelry store. There they discover all of the intel gathered on Prophet Five by Vaughn and Rienne's fathers. Vaughn reveals that he knows Anna is not Sydney and they fight. Anna gains the upper hand but Sydney shoots her in the head, killing her. Vaughn is finally able to return home. Sloane is working to decode the recently revealed message on Page 47. As he works, an apparition of Nadia appears, taunting him. Sloane states to Peyton that he needs a certain book to complete his work and dispatches her with a message to the bookseller. The apparition of Nadia reveals that Sloane has already completed the decoding; indeed, the note to the bookseller is actually a protocol to contact Julian Sark. |
Act One. Scene A - Frasier's booth at KACL. Frasier is on air.
Frasier: You're listening to KACL 780 on your AM dial. This is Dr. Frasier Crane. All our lines are open, so please, give us a call. [silence] I'm just sitting here waiting. [silence] Hey, Seattle, c'mon, I know you're out there. Hey, look, I realise it's a sunny day but on all those rainy days, I was there for you. [silence] Well, alright then, if that's the way you want it, you leave me no recourse...
[clears his throat; singing] "When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie-"
His board lights up.
Frasier: That seems to have gotten you going there, okay! Alright then, I knew you were out there. Okay, Roz, who do we have?
Roz: We have Gary from Issiqua on line two. He and his wife had a big fight.
Frasier: Sorry to hear that, Gar. I'm listening.
Gary: [v.o.] Well, y'see, Dr. Crane, my wife is hell-bent on going to Italy this year.
Frasier: Ahh, Italia - the rolling hills of Toscana, the art of Firenze, the passion that is Venizia...
Gary: [over his head] Yeah, well, anyway - I like taking vacations as much as the next guy but I say that, if we dip into our savings, I think the first thing we should buy is a new sump-pump for the basement. At least with that-
Frasier: [interrupting] Oh, listen, Gary. Let me stop you right there. I'm afraid I'm going to have to side with your wife on this one.
Gary: But the trip to Italy costs eighteen hundred bucks, and that doesn't include the "Splendours of the Vatican" package.
Frasier: Gary, there is more to life than sump-pumps. Whatever happened to feeding our souls? Look, for example, I recently purchased a painting by one of this country's premier artists - oh, it's not important who. Well, it's Seattle's own Martha Paxton, but... Practical? No. But ever since acquiring that painting, I look at it every day and there's not a moment when I do that I'm not uplifted by its beauty. So Gary, go to Italy, bring back a suitcase full of memories. Will you do that?
Gary: I still think I should get the sump-pump.
Frasier: [contemptuous] Well then, yes, Gary, you... you should get the sump-pump! We'll be right back after this newsbreak.
Frasier is now off-air and moves through to Roz in the control booth.
Frasier: Roz, just what is a "sump-pump?"
Roz: If you need one, you'll know. Listen, do you really own a Paxton or were you just blowing sunshine up old Gary's skirt?
Frasier: Yes indeed, I do own a Paxton.
Roz: Well, you'll be pleased to know that she's on line three.
[holds up the phone]
Frasier: [gasps and snatches the phone] My God, Roz, she's the preeminent Neofauvist of the twentieth century! How could you put her on hold?
Roz: Well, the phone rang and I pushed the little button-
He gestures for her to push the little button again.
Frasier: Yes, hello, Miss Paxton. I'm so sorry to have kept you waiting. Well, thank you. I'm very flattered that you listen to my little show. Yes, well, yes, I meant every word. Yes, that's lovely, I'd like to meet you, too sometime. [sudden thought] As a matter of fact, I'm having a few friends over for a little gathering this Friday night, for cocktails and such. Well, I suppose you're far too busy to... you would! Oh, that's marvelous. Alright, that's the Elliot Bay towers on the Counterbalance. Around seven is just fine. And, well, I'll see then then. Ciao! [hangs up]
Roz: I didn't know you were having a cocktail party.
Frasier: That makes two of us!
[SCENE_BREAK]
WHAT A SWELL PARTY
Scene B - Frasier's apartment, Friday night. The cocktail party has started. Martha Paxton's painting occupies a place of honor over the fireplace.
Daphne is standing in the middle of a small clique, while the rest of the party mingle around them. Niles is seated on the stereo cabinet, gazing at her adoringly.
Daphne: Well, my theory on death is: first you're whisked down a long dark tunnel towards a beautiful white light; you suddenly get all the jokes you never got before, you let out a little chuckle, and then you die!
The clique laughs.
Frasier: That's a delightful story, Daphne, but I think the toast points need replenishing.
Daphne: [moving away] Be right on it.
Niles: [hops down] Enchanting, just enchanting.
Frasier: My God, Niles, why is no-one eating the Mussoline of Duck?
Eddie hops onto the chair and starts eating it.
Frasier: Oh, you mangy little cur! [chases Eddie away]
Niles: Well, now we know why.
Frasier tidies up the duck and nervously licks his fingers clean.
Frasier: Look, Niles, the dog is eating the food, the pianist is too intrusive, the Pinot Noir is far too stagey and it's five past seven and Martha isn't even here yet!
Niles: I'm not going to have to sedate you, am I?
Frasier: No, I'm just a bit on edge, I want everything to be so perfect. [pause] By the way, where's Maris? I haven't seen her all night.
Niles: She's on your bed.
Frasier: My bed?
Niles: Yes, she's asleep under the guests' coats. She exhausts easily under the pressure to be interesting.
Frasier: Niles, she's supposed to be looking after dad. That's the only reason you're here, remember?
Niles: Dad is in the bathroom - don't worry.
Doorbell rings.
Frasier: That must be la Paxton - and fashionably late, of course. He opens the door. It's Roz.
Frasier: Oh hi, Roz, it's you. [she looks offended] And you look radiant.
Roz: I look like crap - I've got a spot on my dress, I over-plucked one eyebrow and the crotch of my pantyhose is creeping down to my knees.
To Frasier's horror she squats behind the table next to the couch and pulls them up.
Frasier: Couldn't you have just done that in the elevator? [takes her coat] Oh, my goodness, Roz, you've got a neck. Gee, so what do you think of the place? Is it everything you imagined it would be?
Roz: Well, to be frank, Frasier, I don't spend my idle hours imagining how you live. But I did expect lots of beige and, look, I was right.
Frasier: Would you like a drink?
Roz: Sure, something light would be nice.
Frasier calls the waiter over.
Roz: [to waiter] Double bourbon, rocks, and spill a little in the glass.
In the Kitchen, Daphne is bent over, taking a tray out of the oven. Niles sidles in, apparently innocently.
Niles: Oh, Daphne, you're here, too.
Daphne: My goodness, Dr. Crane - shouldn't you be out there mixing?
Niles: Oh, don't mind me. I'm just getting some ice. [puts the ice to his forehead]
Daphne: Lovely party, isn't it?
Niles: Yes, it is.
Daphne: [chopping herbs] ook at this fresh fennel. [picks up a piece and sniffs it] Smells wonderful, doesn't it?
Niles: [smelling Daphne's hair instead] It certainly does.
Daphne: [catching Niles] Dr. Crane, were you sniffing my hair?
Niles: Why would I do a thing like that? I'm a happily married man - I love my Maris.
Guest: [entering kitchen] Where should I put this coat?
Niles: Just throw it on the bed.
In the lounge, people are still milling around.
Roz: So, Frasier, which one is your dad?
Frasier: Oh, well, he's the older gentleman over there talking to Bethany van Pelt, showing her the photographs. [realises] Oh my God!
He rushes over to them.
Martin: [re: photos] ...and when we finally got to her it was only hanging by two tendons.
Frasier: [to Bethany, who looks ill] Would you excuse us, please? [leads his dad away] Dad, will you stop showing these crime scene photos? You're embarrassing me.
Martin: Oh, these society people eat this up. Besides, she was the one that brought it up.
Frasier: Oh, she brought it up? Bethany van Pelt - the head of the Junior League - brought up the subject of a hooker whose body was hideously dismembered and scattered all over an abandoned warehouse.
Martin: Yeah, she asked, "aren't these Swedish meatballs the messiest things you've ever seen?" and I said, "no, as a matter of fact"-
Frasier: Dad, dad, please!
Martin: Alright, alright, but stop shadowing me. I don't need a nursemaid.
Frasier: Alright, if you give me your word, that's good enough for me.
He passes Niles, who is following Daphne out of the kitchen.
Frasier: [hits Niles] You watch him!
As Frasier moves off, Niles would obviously prefer to stay with Daphne, when Roz comes over to him.
Roz: Hi, Niles.
Niles: Oh, hello.
Roz: You may not remember me, I'm-
Niles: Of course I remember you. Would you be a love and watch that man with the cane? [continues following Daphne]
Doorbell rings. Frasier answers - this time, it is Martha Paxton. She is short, bald and aged around 50. She wears a poncho which covers her arms completely, and a Native American bead necklace.
Martha: Dr. Crane? I'm Martha Paxton.
Frasier: Of course, who else could you be? Welcome to my salon. [loudly] Everyone, everyone, your attention, please. I'd like you all to welcome our guest of honour, the renowned artist - Martha Paxton.
The guests applaud.
Frasier: May I take your... poncho?
Martha: No, no, no, no, I never take it off at parties. It gives me an excuse not to shake hands with people.
Frasier: Oh, how delightfully eccentric! You must meet my brother, Niles. Oh, Niles?
Niles: [moves over to the door] Miss Paxton, Dr. Niles Crane. It is an honour to shake your hand. [outstretches his hand then, seeing no reaction on her part, shakes her poncho instead] Well, to shake anything of yours is an honour. [skulks away, embarrassed]
Martha: Now, where did you hang my painting? I'm always curious to know how people live with my work.
Frasier: "Live with my work" - I love that phrase. If you would, right this way, please. [leads her towards the centre of the room] I think this is the perfect spot for an ideal viewing. Oh God, I've waited so long for this moment - I'm just going to stand back and let you describe your work - "Elegy in Green" - in your own words. The way you insinuate the palette but never lean on it, you capture the zeitgeist of our generation. It is the most perfect canvas it has ever my privilege to gaze upon. I mean, one can only imagine what inspired you to paint it.
Martha: I didn't paint it.
A murmur passes through the crowd.
Frasier: [fighting panic] Of course you didn't. You-you created it, you gave birth to it.
Martha: [walks to the painting] I didn't do anything to it - I never saw this painting before in my whole life.
Martin: [leans into Frasier's ear] And you thought I was gonna embarrass you!
End Of Act One. Act Two.
Scene C - Frasier's apartment, post-party. Martin and Frasier are in the lounge. Daphne is cleaning up while Frasier just leans against the pillar, staring at the painting.
Martin: I really liked your friend Roz.
Frasier: What?
Martin: Roz, at the party tonight. Nice gal. Why don't you ask her out? She's great-looking and she can really hold her liquor.
Frasier: Dad, do you mind? I've just suffered the most humiliating evening of my life. I've been been made a fool of by this, this, this... thing. [gestures towards the painting]
Daphne: You know, I may be just a girl from Manchester but, I have to tell you, even though it's not a Paxton, I really like that picture. I liked it the minute I saw it. I liked it even before I knew who Martha Paxton was. And quite frankly, I don't think that woman bathes.
Frasier: Well, enjoy it while you can because, first thing in the morning, this is going back to the dealer where I bought it. I'm demanding my money back - no-one is going to take advantage of Frasier Crane.
Martin: You know, listen, Frasier. You're kind of upset about this, maybe I should return it for you.
Frasier: Well, Dad, I appreciate the gesture but, really, what do you know about the art world?
Martin: Apparently about as much as you do.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Scene B - The Hayson Gallery Frasier is staring at a painting, he is approached by Phillip.
Phillip: I can see the love in your eyes. You must have this painting.
Frasier: Are you the owner?
Phillip: Yes, I am. Phillip Hayson. [they shake hands]
Frasier: How do you do, I'm Dr. Frasier Crane. I happen -
Phillip: No, not the Dr. Frasier Crane. From the radio?
Frasier: Guilty. Yes, but -
Phillip: My wife and I love your show! Could I have your autograph before you go?
Frasier: It would be my pleasure but, speaking of autographs, I have a small problem with this painting. [holds up painting]
Phillip: I'm really distressed to hear that. Would you like a glass of wine?
Frasier: Well, actually I -
Phillip: My wife and I toured the Loire valley last year and we couldn't resist buying four cases of this. [opens the bottle and pours Frasier a glass] It's really quite extraordinary - I hope you like it.
Frasier: Well, I'd really rather not have any wine at this moment -
Phillip lets Frasier taste the wine.
Frasier: Well, that's rather nice, isn't it? Finishes well.
Phillip: Very well. Would you like some more?
Frasier: No, no, no, thank you. I'd... getting back to my problem - I recently gave a small but elegant soiree at which Martha Paxton was in attendance, you see. She told me that this painting was not her work.
Phillip: Oh dear, I can imagine how embarrassing that must have been.
Frasier: I doubt you can, Mr. Hayson.
Phillip: Please, Phillip. Let's take a look at that in slightly better light, shall we? [walks the painting over to a stand and places it on the easel] Oh, yes, I remember this - it's breathtaking. [Raising his voice] Ronald, Diane, will you step in here a moment please?
Two of Phillip's shills come through to join them, they gather around the painting.
Phillip: Do you remember when this piece was in the gallery - everyone who saw it wanted it.
Diane: Yes, it's a very special piece.
Ronald: Mrs. Chitcherelli was heart broken when it sold.
Phillip: Oh, I remember -
Frasier: Yes, I'm sure she was but, you see, it's not a Paxton!
Phillip: But it says right here that it is a Paxton. The signature is here. [The three bend to point at the signature]
Frasier: Martha Paxton says that it is not a Paxton.
Phillip: Oh, Martha, how is the old dear? Her and I go back a long way, is she still-? [makes a gesture to his hair - a reference to Paxton's baldness]
Frasier: As a Crenshaw melon, yes.
Phillip: Would you like a little more wine?
Frasier: No, I don't want any wine. I want to discuss this painting.
Phillip: So would I. Maybe some brie? [Ronald and Diane disappear]
Frasier: No, I don't want any brie! I want my money back.
Phillip: Oh, well, that's where things might get a bit... prickly. You see, we have a strict policy here at the Hayson gallery - all sales are final.
Frasier: But, in this case, you're willing to make an exception.
Phillip: Oh, I'd love to, but I can't.
Frasier: Yes, but it's a forgery.
Phillip: Well, if it is, it's a damn good one. [laughs]
Frasier: Alright, alright, I'm going to make this simple - I want my money.
Phillip: I'm sure you do.
Frasier: Oh, I know what you're doing - you're "handling" me. You're agreeing with everything I say hoping I'll tire and go away.
Phillip: Whatever you say.
Frasier: I don't believe it! You're shining me on. You are shining me on! Where is the fairness of this, where is the justice?!
Phillip: Dr. Crane, if you ever find justice in this world, let me know, will you? Now, if you'll excuse me, I have work to do.
[walks away]
Frasier: What? Did a crate of freshly-painted Rembrandts just arrive?! [follows him] Damn it, you're not getting away with this! I am not leaving. I am not leaving! I am NOT leaving.
[SCENE_BREAK]
AFTER HE LEFT...
Scene C - Frasier's apartment. Frasier arrives, with the painting, to find Martin eating at the dinner table.
Martin: What are you still doing with that? I thought you were going to return it.
Frasier: They wouldn't take it back. All I got was some attitude and a cheap glass of wine - Loire valley, my ass.
Martin: What are you going to do now?
Frasier: Well, they've forced my hand. I'm going to call the police.
[picks up the phone]
Martin: Five-five-five three thousand.
Frasier: Thanks, Dad. Try to mess with Dr. Frasier Crane, I'll teach them. [into phone] Hello, yes. Oh, just a second. [to Martin] Dad, who do I ask for?
Martin: Have them put you through to the fine arts forgery department.
Frasier: [into phone] Hello, yes, the fine arts forgery department, please.
At the table, Martin hides his grin while Frasier gets a sour look.
Frasier: Dad, they're laughing at me.
Martin: [chuckling] Give me the phone. [Frasier does] Hi, who's this? Hey, Doris. Yeah, Marty Crane. Yeah, that was my son. Yeah, I just thought he needed a bite of a reality sandwich. Yeah, yeah, give my best to the guys. Thanks. Bye. [hangs up]
Frasier: What was that?
Martin: Frasier, the boys downtown have their hands full of murders and robberies - they don't have time for this artsy-fartsy stuff.
Frasier: Yes, Dad, but what am I supposed to do? I've been cheated!
Niles and Daphne emerge from Frasier's bedroom, both are disheveled and appear straightening their clothes.
Frasier: What were you two doing back there?
Niles: Maris lost her earring at the party last night. Daphne was good enough to crawl under the bed to look for it while I...
Frasier: [long and low] Yeeeess?
Niles: Searched the credenza!
Daphne: Maybe I'll go check in the hallway. It might have gotten trampled into the carpet when everybody stampeded for the elevator.
Frasier: No one stampeded! They were all just good guests, they knew when to leave.
Niles: Two hours early. [laughs]
Frasier: Oh, shut up, Niles!
Niles: [sees the painting] Oh, I see. Am I to ascribe this foul mood to the fact that you were unable to unload the bogus Paxton?
Frasier: Yes. Gee, I know, Niles. What is the name of that really vicious lawyer that you use?
Niles: Which one, the one I used to sue the contractor or the one I used to sue the personal trainer?
Frasier: Well, the meanest.
Niles: Uh, that would be the second one. I used him to sue the first one.
Frasier: Right. [picks up the phone] Ah, just give me his number, will you?
Martin: Ah, forget it, Frasier. Five years of litigation and you'll end up paying eight times what you paid for the painting.
[carries his plate to the kitchen]
Niles: He's right about that.
Frasier: [replaces the phone] God, I hate laywers!
Niles: Oh, me too. [sits down on the couch] But they make wonderful patients. They have excellent health insurance and they never get better.
Frasier: Say, I know, I know. I can use my radio show - why didn't I think of this earlier? I can use my bully pulpit to expose that man for the fraud that he is!
Niles: Now, Frasier, that's slander. He'll sue you for everything you've got.
Frasier: Damn it, Niles, where is the justice? Where am I supposed to turn to? I'm a, a beloved household personality and I've been screwed! [gestures at the painting]
Martin: [as he returns from the kitchen] For God's sake, Frasier, you're forty-one years old. It's time you learned something: the system ain't perfect. Sometimes the bad guy wins. And all those things you thought would be around to help you, the courts and the police department? Well, sometimes they're just not there when you need them. So you can either let it eat a hole in your stomach, or you can just file it away under the heading, "Sometimes Life Sucks."
[exits to his room]
Frasier: [shouts after him] Yeah well, that file's getting pretty thick!
Niles returns from the bar with two sherries. He hands one to Frasier.
Frasier: So that's that, huh? Hayson just gets away with it. He's sitting there now with his brie and his wine and his little chuckle at my expense. Gosh, you know, I finally understand why people take matters into their own hands. It would be so satisfying right now to just... slash his tires, or... throw a brick though his window or something. Just so he'd learn that you don't do this to people and get away with it.
Niles: Yes, well, I know you, Frasier, and I know that you'd never resort to that sort of thing. [looks at his brother, and becomes unsure] Would you, Frasier?
Silence.
Niles: There's a vein throbbing in your forehead. Daphne enters from the hallway.
Daphne: Well, I couldn't find it in the hallway but let me give it one last try. Could you give me the matching earring? Maybe I'll get something from it.
Niles hands Daphne the earring. She holds it in both hands and concentrates.
Daphne: Oh yes, I'm getting a feeling. It's in your father's room. No, no, it's in Dr. Crane's room. Oh, this is odd, now it's in the hallway.
Eddie scampers in from the hallway and across the lounge.
Niles/Daphne: Eddie!
Niles and Daphne run after Eddie while Frasier grabs his car keys and exits the apartment.
[SCENE_BREAK]
PEACHFUZZ
Scene D - Outside the Hayson Gallery. Frasier creeps round the corner, holding a brick. He checks that the coast is clear, then stands in front of the window and is about to throw it until he notices an old couple walking past. He hides the brick behind his back.
Frasier: Good evening. Lovely night, isn't it? Yes, well, goodnight.
Again, Frasier gets ready to throw the brick but this time a horn honks and Niles's car pulls up in front of the gallery.
Niles: [through car window] Get in the car.
Frasier: Niles, what the hell are you doing here?
Niles: Stopping you from doing something really stupid. Now get in the car.
Frasier: I will not! Niles, look, I know this is wrong but I don't care! It's the only thing left for me!
Niles: Alright, Frasier. [steps out of the car; Frasier retreats] Frasier, just give me the brick and no one will get hurt.
Frasier: Why don't you just go away? This is no concern of yours.
Niles: Yes, it is.
Frasier: How?
Niles: Remember that day in junior high school when somebody took all my clothes while I was in the shower, right after gym class? They hung them from the goalpost on the football field. I had no choice but to get a ladder and climb up there wearing nothing but a towel, wet and shivering. Then the towel fell off! There I was - your little brother, hanging naked from a goal post, and everyone was standing around laughing, and all Coach Medwick would do was stand there going- [holds his arms up to imitate the gesture] whatever that means.
[N.B. In American football, the signal - raising the arms to vertical and then dropping them to a "Y" position - means "field goal!" when a player scores by kicking the ball over and through the goal post.]
Frasier: Niles, why are you telling me this?
Niles: Because - I was so humiliated, I went home, I cried my eyes out, I swore I would get even. I was just about to put sugar into Coach Medwick's gas tank... and you stopped me. Remember what you said? "If you act like a barbarian, you will become a barbarian."
Frasier: I said that?
Niles: Yes. Well, actually you were more verbose at the time. I had to listen, you were sitting on my chest.
Pause.
Niles: Give me the brick, Frasier.
Frasier: [frustrated] And let him get away with this?!
Niles: I know, I know! What the gallery owner did to you was wrong, it was humiliating. But if you throw that brick through that window, you will have lost something more valuable than your money. You will have lost... your mind. Frasier, you can't do this!
Frasier: Well, Niles, if you were strong enough to show restraint after so much humiliation, not to mention the nicknames.
Niles: [as if remembering] Nicknames. [then:] There were nicknames?
Frasier: Oh, you didn't know that? Oh dear God, yes. Uh, "Peachfuzz," "Jingle Bells" - I can't remember the rest.
Niles: "Peachfuzz"?
Frasier: Yes, I believe Coach Medwick made that one up himself. [hands Niles the brick] Well, anyway, here you are. I won't be needing this anymore.
Niles: I'm proud of you.
Frasier heads towards the car but Niles does not join him. Instead, he cocks his arm and hurls the brick through the gallery window, shattering it with a loud crash. As the alarm sounds, Niles throws his hands up in a gesture reminiscient of the Coach Medwick signal.
Frasier: [shouts above the alarm] My God, Niles! What are you, what have you done?!
Niles: [proud] I've struck a blow for justice! Nobody calls me "Peachfuzz." Now let's get the hell out of here.
They both run to the car, but as Frasier dashes to the passenger side, Niles stops and runs back to the window with his wallet out.
Frasier: Niles, what are you doing now?
Niles: We may be barbarians, but we pay for our pillaging!
He throws a handful of notes in through the broken window.
Frasier: Come on, come on! [Niles gets into the car] GO, GO, GO, GO! Niles's tires squeal as he speeds away from the gallery. End Of Act Two.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Frasier is contemplating the painting after hanging it on the wall. The camera begins to zoom out and we discover that he's hung it above the cistern in the powder room. | Plan: A: Frasier; Q: Who plots revenge against the gallery owner? A: a cocktail party; Q: What does Frasier throw to show off a new painting he has bought? A: a forgery; Q: What does the artist declare the painting to be? A: the painting; Q: What does Frasier try to return to the gallery but fails to do? Summary: Frasier throws a cocktail party to show off a new painting he has bought, but is humiliated when the artist appears and declares it's a forgery. When Frasier's attempts to return the painting to the gallery fail, he plots revenge against the gallery owner. |
Narrator: America's top ghost hunters relive their most extreme assignments.
(Woman screams)
This house is beyond haunted. Hardened veterans of the paranormal, these are the cases that truly tested them. There was an evil presence in that house.
Narrator: In Michigan, a family's tragedy and its aftermath ended up being too much for one investigator. You know, I just was taken over.
Narrator: In Iowa, a father-daughter team comes face to face with a ghost of an ax murderer. It wasn't even a minute, and things started happening.
Man: Are you shaking that? can you make it stop?
Narrator: And in Massachusetts, the spirit of an old sea captain grapples with a lead investigator. You know something's about to happen that's not good.
Narrator: An ordinary house in a quiet city in central Michigan, it's been home to Agnes broker for 20 years. She has raised her children and her grandchildren here. But recently, Agnes is being tormented by a threatening activity in her once-peaceful home. It starts with the sound of footsteps when no one else is home...
(Tapping, whispering)
Unexplained voices... Shadows that seem to have a mind of their own. Aah!
Man on TV: We, as a village, are only asking for a few...
Narrator: Then, one night... An unseen force starts hurling eggs at Agnes. Confused and terrified, she calls a paranormal investigation group for help. Karlo Zuzic is part of the Ohio researchers of banded spirits. Growing up in a haunted house ignited a burning passion for the paranormal. First paranormal experience was when I was sitting in my room. I was about 8 years old. You know, I would see these things walk around the house. I was terrified by everything that was happening.
Narrator: Karlo is now a veteran of 300-plus investigations.
Karlo: We're a paranormal investigator. We come in to help the client. We try to get a resolution. We validate what they're experiencing. And this is why I love doing this. You know, it's helping people.
Narrator: Experience has taught Karlo never to go into a haunting unprepared. So he first looks into the history of the house and its occupants.
Karlo: You can't just jump into something. And before we would enter a property, I get to know the family, we go through a questionnaire. I ask 40 questions. So when I walk on that property, I know what's happening there.
Narrator: He unearths a dark family secret, one that's been hidden away for nearly 20 years. Agnes had tragically lost her only son when he took his life in 1990. Gary was, um, the son. He actually fell into depression. He got very, very sick. While the family was out, he actually took a gun and shot himself in the head.
(Gunshot)
You know, that's very traumatic.
Narrator: The timing of the activity plaguing Agnes is no coincidence.
Karlo: It was Gary's anniversary of his death. And a lot of this activity started to act up at that time. They were scared because, you know, if it could throw eggs, what else can it do? You know, it could hurt you and -- At one point to where, you know, your life could be in danger.
Agnes: Please come in.
Narrator: Armed with his research, Karlo feels ready to tackle whatever malevolent force is tormenting Agnes.
Karlo: My first impression when I arrived to the house, I had this weird feeling, like, this ill feeling, just because I knew what was happening there. But then I also had to watch out for the team. You know, upon our arrival, we want to make sure that nothing was gonna happen to them because, if this could throw eggs, what else could it do to you?
Narrator: Karlo may have already made his first mistake by inviting team member Amy Cobb, who is still mentally vulnerable after a recent bereavement.
Amy: I had just lost a brother. It was 2 weeks prior to this investigation. And I still went to the investigation because I felt the need to be there for these people even though I was struggling with my own emotions.
Karlo: I questioned her about doing this investigation. And I think she wanted to go more because she wanted just to do somethin' different and get her mind off of it. I was in a vulnerable state.
Narrator: The team split up. Amy stays downstairs while Karlo and his colleague, Chris, cautiously head to where Gary ended his life, his bedroom. When we go on investigations, we go into high alert because you don't know what you're getting involved in. We always look over each other. You know, we watch out for each other because, if it gets out of control, if anything happens to one of us, then it's our issue. I remember, when we were walking past Gary's room... Felt heavy. It had this heavy feeling. You knew there was death in there. Any time there's a traumatic death like that, it stays there. When we walked in, everything was the same. His bed was still there. When the family holds on and keeps it the same way, it could draw that spirit back.
(Bell rings)
(Gasps)
Narrator: Karlo is struck by a painful surge of energy.
Karlo: This cold feeling, like, half my body was just frozen.
I mean, it's almost like you were just in a freezer. You know, that was trying to take control. Could there be a possession happening? Because a spirit sees that little opening, you know, they could cause harm to you. So walking into that, you feel that cold. You know there's a presence right there at that spot. I was scared because I don't know what's gonna happen.
Narrator: When the pain subsides, Karlo decides it's time to get some hard evidence.
Karlo: All the equipment that we bring -- We set up a DVR system at the hot spots, which is a stationary camera. Just to kind of keep an eye on the location. I brought k-ii meters. The k-ii meter is an EMF detector. It actually picks up energy. Electricians use it to find hot wires. We use it to find spirits. Digital voice recorders. They're for EVPS, which stands for electronic voice phenomena. What we'll do is we'll go through a series of questions, and we may not hear 'em at the time, but when we go home and replay that, our digital voice recorders will actually pick up the spirit voices. What do you want with these people? We start off doing an EVP session. And it started off to be a little quiet in there. We didn't really experience much except for that heavy feeling. So we figured we'd move on. So as we got up, we were walking out. I always say something when I leave a room. I'll either say, "bye, whoever you are," Or, "good-bye," just to see if I get a response.
Chris: Throw some eggs at us. I don't really like eggs.
Karlo: See you, whatever your name is. Um... I thought I just heard something. It sounded like a male's voice. And it sounded like it said, "Gary." You don't always hear a spirit when you're on investigations. It's rare. But to hear that and to actually hear it respond, the hair on my arms stood up. So I decided to go back and play back the recorder. And sure enough, I captured an EVP that says "Gary." ...Name is. You know, now it's responding to you, you kind of have to be on guard because you hear that voice. You just want to make sure that you're still safe.
Narrator: Taking a chance, Karlo tries to provoke another response.
Karlo: We wanted to read the bible just to see if anything would happen because we wanted to get a reaction. Our father... It's almost like a trigger object. So I'm like, "you know what? we'll see what happens." Thy kingdom come. That will be done on earth that's... Started reading the bible. And next thing you know, we hear somebody run across upstairs. I mean, literally, you could hear footsteps just go across.
(Thumping)
The moment you walked in, in that location, there was chills. I mean, it covered us. I mean, it was this energy presence there.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Narrator: In Lansing, Michigan, terrifying events are unfolding.
On the anniversary of a suicide, a ghost has returned, intent on vengeance. A painful run-in with the ghost has already left veteran investigator Karlo Zuzic shaken. You know, they could cause harm to you. I was scared because I don't know what's gonna happen.
Narrator: Now, after hearing footsteps in the attic, Karlo is about to confront the spirit. As we open the door... We went in. To my left was this dark mass... Just almost floating. And then it dissipated. We asked, "who is there?" and we actually got a recording.
Chris: So who's up here? It sounded like a kid running back and forth up here. Was it Gary? Was it a darker force that was in the home? Kind of gettin' the chills now I'm talkin' about it.
Narrator: At that point, Karlo has a shocking realization. I believe there was two different spirits at this location. It wasn't just Gary. We knew there was something in that location. I believe the darker presence in there was a negative presence. It could be a demonic. Or it could be a negative human. With Gary's spirit being there, could this darker presence still be harming him in the afterlife or haunting him in the afterlife? Yes.
(Amy screams)
Man: Karlo, you better get down here now.
As we were in the living room, doing our investigation... Oh, my god. I feel something. We were trying to, um, bring about the spirits, calling, you know, "Gary, are you here? Are there any other spirits here?" Oh, I got chills throughout my whole body. And I reached out. And I said, "Gary, can you touch me?" And at that time, I felt cold air.
Narrator: But this spirit wants to do more than just touch Amy. All of a sudden, I became overwhelmed with some kind of emotion of I -- I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know what's happening. Gary? It's dark. It's black. It's -- it's evil. It's not a nice thing. Uh, I felt like I -- Like something took over my body.
Narrator: The possession of Amy confirms Karlo's worst fears. There's another entity here besides Gary, and it's likely demonic.
Karlo: We always warn our members, when you go into an investigation, you got to be strong because a spirit sees that little opening, they could enter you. At that point, we had to pull her out of that situation. Demonics are known to take control. They break you down to a point where you will kill yourself.
Amy: That experience, for me, was very terrifying. I was terrified.
Narrator: Karlo is worried. If the demon is behind Gary's tragic suicide...
(Gunshot)
It means Amy is in grave danger. I was terrified because I had no control over me. I wasn't me.
Karlo: This is the first time ever, out of all of our investigations, I actually witnessed something like that. Then everybody starts praying. And I'm kind of coming to, but I'm not. Then, all of a sudden, I just -- I felt it release. But my mind was messed up. I was terrified. And I was messed up for a few days after that. Yeah. It was very scary. I've never experienced anything like that.
Agnes: Sadness. Could I have been lost to that spirit? I think I could have, yes. I thank god I'm not. I thank god I'm here today.
Karlo: After this experience, everybody left the location. They wanted to take a break from it. And Chris and I decided to stay behind. We knew we had to do a cleansing, a blessing, and hopefully move this out of there. We do a native American cleansing. And Chris and I will follow with our roman catholic blessing. And we will actually banish the spirits from the location. We go floor to floor, room to room. We do the cross with holy water above any opening at that location. We'll do the land blessing, also, just to move the spirits forward.
Amy: Ever since that experience where I felt possessed, I will not ask another spirit to touch me. I will never do that again.
Karlo: My conclusion with the haunting in this home, I believe -- I think there was two spirits there. And I believe that that darker force may have had something to do with Gary's death.
Narrator: Still to come, when a ghost targets a 6-year-old, investigator Jack Kenna bites off more than he can handle.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Woman: Jack! But first, a father-daughter team come face to face with a spirit of an insane ax murderer. Villisca, a small town in the heart of Iowa farm country. With fewer than 2,000 inhabitants, it's an unremarkable place except for one thing. On June 10, 1912, it was the scene of one of America's most gruesome mass murders.
(Door creaks)
Josiah and Sarah Moore were hacked to death with an ax in their bed. The killer then murdered their four children... Followed by the daughters of their neighbors, Ina and Lena Stillinger.
(Thunder crashes)
Over 100 years later, the grisly crimes remain unsolved. The home is now a museum to their deaths. And many witnesses claim that spirits haunt it. There's been activity from apparitions sighted, disembodied voices, touching, tugging. Being poked or, I believe, scratched, pushed, hearing whispering and knocking and footsteps, all sorts of activity.
Narrator: The museum owners call in father-daughter paranormal team Alan and Anna Tolf to investigate the activity. A police officer for over 10 years before becoming a paranormal researcher, Alan believes he can tap into the spirit world to solve the crime once and for all. I hope to capture a piece of evidence that would substantiate the man responsible for murdering the Moore family.
Narrator: There's only one serious, if unlikely, suspect, a travelling minister in town to preach at a local church.
Anna: Reverend George Kelly was arrested and tried. And then the Stillinger girls' father actually gave a character witness to reverend Kelly. And he was acquitted because of that.
Alan: After reverend Kelly was acquitted, no one else was charged with the murders.
Narrator: Setting out to capture evidence of reverend Kelly's spirit, Anna and Alan begin their investigation.
Anna: Pulling up, initially, we really didn't know what to expect, but we were anticipating maybe it would be dark. We immediately pulled some cameras out and started taking pictures. I don't always immediately start looking back on the photographs and just felt a little uneasy. It was a series of maybe, five, six, or seven photographs of the site of the home, all from the same angle. In the back window, you could see a curtain drawn back.
Narrator: At the scene of a century-old unsolved ax murder, ghost hunters Alan and Anna Tolf are trying to nail the identity of the killer. We immediately pulled some cameras out and started takin' pictures.
Narrator: But before they can even enter the house, the strength of the paranormal activity is alarming. I don't always immediately start looking back on the photographs. In the back window, you could see a curtain drawn back. And I zoomed in. And you could tell that it was Ina Stillinger, the younger Stillinger sister.
Narrator: Alan captures some alarming evidence of his own. I started to take photographs. At first, comes in like little white streaks. And then, in the next couple pictures, you see this other entity forming. And you see this full apparition. You could see the outline of a shoulder. And you can tell by the stature it's of a man. And you see the complete outline -- Shoulders, head. You see the facial outline and then a brimmed hat. We both immediately knew it was reverend Kelly. It's almost like he wanted to show himself to us, almost in a threatening way, to prevent us from continuing to investigate.
Alan: When we went into the home, it was very dark and just -- It's a sad place.
Anna: Just walkin' in, a lot of different emotions, extremely overwhelmed, um... Sadness, anger, frustration. Um, I immediately felt a lot of emotions being projected on me, which was overwhelming at first.
Alan: Ann and I decided to go up, uh, investigate in the children's room.
(Static)
We began conducting a spirit box session. A spirit box is an am/fm radio, basically, that's been modified to sweep through the radio frequencies at various variable rates of speed. So the idea is that, uh, potentially a spirit manipulating the sound. About 20 minutes into this spirit box session, it turned dark. Deep-toned, raspy voices were coming through, made us extremely uncomfortable. Things like, "get out," vulgar things, cursing at us, threatening us. I felt sick to my stomach. I was just getting just the worst headache. And my vision started to get blurry. He was with us. Reverend Kelly was with us. Pretty quick, uh, shut the spirit box off. When you can't see something, and it has the ability to make you feel physically ill, it's absolutely frightening. We're working on adjusting the last camera. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a blur of a little brown shaggy-haired boy with a plaid shirt. It was very quick.
Narrator: The little boy is not what he seems.
(Electricity crackling)
I had the, uh... The most powerful electric static shock. Are you okay, dad? yeah. And so we switched positions, and immediately, I got the shock.
(Electricity crackles)
It was -- it was evil. It went completely evil. When we begin to experience activity at that level, we, uh, decided it was best to get out of the house.
Narrator: Scared and hurting, the Tolfs need time to recover from their attack. But pushing aside their fear, Alan and Anna resolve to go back inside. They head to the upper bedroom, where the killer began the bloodbath.
Alan: As we entered the attic, I heard a female moan.
Anna: This is still, to this day, one of our best EVPS we've ever captured. It was just, like, the deepest sense of sorrow. I mean, you feel fear and sadness.
Alan: What's going on? I believe that -- that it was Mrs. Moore.
Sarah: Mother of god. And that might've been her last words and her -- Maybe her last breath.
Narrator: Feeling threatened, Alan and Anna reach for some divine protection.
Alan: I had a set of rosary beads with me and hung them on a set of box springs. When I turned to look, the rosary beads were swinging back and forth. And I swung my camera around and videotaped the whole event. All right. Make it swing. Can you make it go around in a circle? The rosary beads swung for the entire time I was in the attic. And it said to me that what was in the attic was not comfortable with those beads -- The rosary beads being there. I exited the attic. And I said, "slam the door if you want." And it said, "not now." The voice was very dark. And I believe it was reverend Kelly.
Narrator: Alan and Anna have one final chance to provoke the killer's spirit. But they'll need to summon every last drop of courage they have left. Anna and I had discussed that it would be a good idea to lay where the Moores were, that it potentially might trigger some sort of paranormal activity. So we did.
Narrator: With their hearts beating out of their chests, this is the moment of truth. It wasn't even a minute, and things started happening.
Narrator: In a terrifying assignment, father-daughter paranormal team Alan and Anna Tolf are lying at the crime scene of one of America's most horrific mass murders. Fighting their fear, they know that this is their last chance to provoke a showdown with the ghost of the killer.
Alan: We began to hear creaking coming from the attic area. We laid still. We didn't move. We could hear muffled speaking at that point. It was a frightening experience. And I felt very vulnerable laying in the bed as Mr. Moore was.
Anna: There's actually a train near the home that runs by quite frequently. And it was speculated that the murderer waited until the train went by to cover the sounds.
(Train whistle blows)
We actually were laying there, and the train went by. And it was only a few minutes after. And so that was -- I mean, immediately, when I heard the train going by, I got chills all over my body. There was commotion in the house. We started hearing sounds coming from the downstairs bedroom where the Stillinger sisters were. I felt extremely, um, sick to my stomach, physically ill. And it was -- it was just scary laying there. I'll tell you that. It was difficult to lay there.
Anna: And then things started to dissipate. We stopped and went downstairs. We really don't know all the answers. Reverend Kelly may be drawn to the home. He may be trapped there. He may be stuck there. It may be his hell.
(Thunder rumbling)
Anna: And I think that's why the family's still in the home because justice wasn't served for them.
I personally feel that it was reverend Kelly who committed those murders.
Narrator: Alan and Anna's findings validate the stories of paranormal. And to this day, witnesses continue to see apparitions in the Villisca house. Paranormal investigators protect those who are being haunted. But when the ghost hunters become the hunted, all bets are off as they are plunged into unrelenting fear. Located on the northern tip of Boston harbor, the Deane Winthrop house is America's oldest continually lived-in family home. The house was built by captain William pierce, ship's captain in the 1600s. He actually, at one point, even was captain of the mayflower After the mayflower's original, uh, voyage.
Narrator: After captain pierce dies, the house is bought by Deane Winthrop, and for over 300 years, residents have been plagued by mysterious and terrifying events. Even during the later years of the Winthrop family that lived there, it was reported they heard footsteps and voices in the home, feelings of being watched, just a presence within the home.
(Thumping)
So it's been going on for a long long time.
Narrator: Time after time, tenants flee the house in fear, petrified by hauntings and paranormal activity. Desperate to do something, the owners call Jack Kenna, one of the most experienced ghost hunters in New England. We are the very first and only paranormal team to ever investigate the Deane Winthrop house. And that was really an honor, I mean, to be able to -- To do that.
Narrator: The investigation will be one of jack's scariest. And it begins with a disturbing story from a tenant and her daughter.
Jack: This little girl was about 6, 7 years old. Every night, she would go to her mother and ask to go to bed, like, around 7:30, 8:00. Then, her mother started wondering why. So one night, her mother went up the stairs just to listen in the door, see maybe what was going on. And she heard her daughter having a conversation, although she couldn't hear the other person she was talking to. I was talking to captain pierce. So she asked her daughter, "who were you talking to?"
Narrator: The girl's answer chilled her mother to the bone.
Jack: She goes, "oh, I was talking to the old ship's captain.
(Bell rings)
He comes in my room every night. He sits on my dresser, and he tells me stories about his travels around the world and his adventures out on the sea." And the room this little girl was staying in was considered to be the original bedroom, master bedroom for captain William pierce. Her mother wasn't sure what to make of that. She didn't know if her daughter was just making it up. But it was so detailed that she thought maybe there's something else going on.
Narrator: Why is the ghost of a long-dead seafarer befriending an innocent child? Suspicious of its motives, jack and his team are determined to get an answer. When we, you know, got to the house, you know, we didn't know what to expect. But you still have to approach it with caution and just make sure that you're not jumping into something or doing something that you shouldn't be.
Jack: When we first go into the home, we set up all of our equipment. We have DVR cameras, everything else. We set those up in certain locations that were with reported activity. We had one camera set up in the captain's room upstairs, one in the attic, and we had two down in the basement.
Jack: My first impression, just picked up a sense of something that was there with us. You know, something is around. First location that I investigated, I was in the parlor area, which is a historical room.
(Breathing heavily)
I started feeling something heavy, very heavy, very -- Didn't want me to be there. You know something's about to happen that's not good.
Narrator: For over 300 years, apparitions have terrorized those living in a historic house near Boston, Massachusetts. For the very first time, the owners have asked a paranormal team to investigate. But as soon as Jack Kenna enters the house, he falls under attack. You get a heaviness feeling. Like, it's hard to breathe, almost like you're trying to breath underwater, and that I shouldn't go any further and, like -- like, the presence telling me I shouldn't be there. Once I feel something like that, my next step is try to figure out what maybe is causing it.
Narrator: Sensing the presence gathering force, jack calls the team together. Beck was sitting in a chair against the wall. She said she was feeling really cold. And extreme cold can be a sign of spirit activity. At that point, I started talking some pictures. My goodness! And in three of those photos is this white misty appearance of something over the top of beck sitting in this chair. In the second frame, it seems to be standing up. And in the last, third frame, it seems to be moving into the other room. Then looking at what we captured in those pictures that back up what she was feeling.
Narrator: Former residents have felt threatening noises and shadows in the dank basement. Jack heads under the house alone to investigate. It's a decision he'll soon regret. It is a little bit of a creepy basement. But when I entered the basement, I did get a heavy feeling down there, like a strong presence or a heaviness. Behind me, I started hearing shuffling noises. What just made that noise?
Narrator: For jack, things are about to get worse. You hear this child's voice say, "right here." Cold -- where the hell's that coming from? So who is it? you know, is it a spirit? Is it something else? but we couldn't find the source. I would say, at the time, um, you know, when those three things were happening -- I was gettin' the chills through my body, I was also getting that heaviness feeling, uh, still the -- That impression that I should leave that basement. But as an investigator, I suppress those feelings. That doesn't mean it's not freaking me out a little bit. But being the investigators we are, I did -- I started checking for EMF, electromagnetic frequency. There really was a whole heaviness in that whole location. I suddenly hit, like, a wall. And I wasn't sure what was causing that. Like, there was something negative there. Or something didn't want me to go any further.
Narrator: While investigating hauntings in a 400-year-old house, Jack Kenna is faced with an evil force in the basement. Like there was something negative there. I was gettin' the chills through my body.
Narrator: The investigation is rapidly turning into one of the most intense jack has ever faced. And more is to come. There's this woman's voice. You hear this woman's voice saying, "hello, jack." I was actually still cold when we came down. So you'll have to change that out. Just wanted to let you know. So it said my name. So, the initial reaction is you jump a little bit, you turn around, and you look. And you turn on your flashlight to see what just happened. You know, it's a little freaky. Just not sure how to take it. Upstairs, jack's team is confronting alarming paranormal activity of their own.
Sharon: We were starting the EVP session. And we were asking, "is anyone here?" And we also specifically asked, yeah, "is captain pierce here with us? Did you live here? was this your house?" When the k-ii started lighting up, we were pretty sure we were talking to captain pierce. But then, at one point, beck heard this moan. It was just, like, a moan or a groan. It sounds like a male voice.
Sharon: I didn't know what was goin' on. So that's when we brought jack up. And we start having conversation. I start talking to whoever this is. The last time I was talkin' to you here, I'd mentioned that there were some people maybe would've called you a pirate. Does that bother you? Yeah. I don't think you were a pirate. You were a privateer.
Sharon: Got something in this corner here.
Narrator: Then jack makes the most serious mistake of his career.
Jack: What happened was I asked a question, right. I asked it to show me how to communicate with it. Use my energy to do it, whatever you need to do, basically. Yeah. Boy, it's cold right here. I wish I could feel it. Next thing I know, I start shaking. You see me physically start to shake. Are you trying to -- Are you trying to communicate to me? Is somebody in the corner here?
Sharon: So something was tryin' to take over jack or use him. And I could see him shaking. He was visibly shaking. And it was almost like a -- I had the -- a fever.
Sharon: Can't really explain it. Could it have been the captain? absolutely. Jack! I tried to just do what I was taught to do in a situation like that 'Cause I could start to feel thoughts that weren't mine. Jack! jack! Which it was trying to do exactly what I asked, to communicate with me. Jack! jack! I knew something was happening that I had never experienced before. I'm just shaking. And I can't control it. And you feel things that aren't your own thoughts. You have thoughts that aren't your own thoughts. It's like something's trying to get into your head. It is frightening. Jack! I don't know what it was gonna do once it got control of him. It was weird. You know, if that's -- 'Cause, you know, I'm just watching from the outside. So you have no idea what he's actually feeling was going on.
Jack: So what I did was envision this bright light surrounding you, pushing any spirit energy or negative energy away. You okay?
Sharon: I said, "are you all right?" And he's like, "yeah." He's like, "I think something just tried to enter my body."
Jack: I just felt drained, totally drained, like, tired, exhausted, like, just wiped out. So we kind of wrapped up our investigation. You know, we went through all the data. What we were able to determine, what we believe is there is that the house does have several spirits in it, one of which we do believe is captain William pierce. And that's all based on the evidence that we collected, the EVPS, the communication through the K-IIS, the experiences we had.
Sharon: There are spirits at the house. Jack invited that in. It was a mistake that he made that he has since learned from.
Narrator: So the next time jack faces up to a ghost, he may play things differently.
Jack: What I learned from this investigation, how it impacts how I investigate now -- Be very careful of what you say. I'm very careful now of how I phrase things to a spirit that I'm trying to communicate with. | Plan: A: a father-daughter team; Q: Who came face-to-face with the ghost of an ax-murderer in Iowa? A: an old sea captain; Q: What spirit is Jack Kenna confronted with in Massachusetts? A: lead investigator; Q: What is Jack Kenna's job title? Summary: In Iowa, a father-daughter team comes face-to-face with the ghost of an ax-murderer. In Massachusetts, the spirit of an old sea captain grapples with lead investigator, Jack Kenna. |
[PREVIOUSLY_ON]
DAN : Look, I know I screwed up as a father, but I'd Like To Be A Good Grandfather.
NATHAN : Well, you should have thought of that before you killed Jamie's great uncle.
MOUTH : I passed on the Omaha job.
MILLICENT : Marvin!
MOUTH : I feel like I'm good at what I do, Millicent, and I'll just work hard and hope the station gives me another shot.
MILLICENT : Are you sure?
MOUTH : That I'm doing the right thing? I don't know. But about us? Yeah, I'm sure.
QUENTIN : I trusted you, all right?
SKILLS : Quentin, you needed this.
QUENTIN : I needed this?! You know what?! I needed a scholarship! I needed you to keep your mouth shut! That's what I needed!
BROOKE : Millicent... They're giving me a baby.
LUCAS : Lindsey, I love you.
LINDSEY : I love you, too, Luke, but it takes more than love to build a marriage.
LUCAS : I'm willing to learn.
DAN : This is for you.
NATHAN : You're giving me the beach house? I don't want it.
DAN : Son. I have a bad heart. I have six months to live.
GRAVEYARD
Dan is in front of Keith's grave when we see a tombstone being installed right beside Keith's, which says : Dan Scott, Loving Husband, Brother and Father
LUCAS (voiceover) : There were many who couldn't understand, and sometimes he walked among them. But even in his darkest hours, he knew in his heart that someday it would return to him... and his world would be whole again
NATHAN AND HALEY'S HOUSE
In Jamie's room, Nathan is tying up Jamie's shoes
JAMIE : Daddy, what's wrong with grandpa Dan?
NATHAN : What do you mean?
JAMIE : He didn't come to my birthday party. Everyone else came. I really wanted him to come.
NATHAN : Yeah, I know you did, buddy. But your party was still pretty cool, right?
JAMIE : Yeah, but grandpa Dan said he missed me.
NATHAN : Well, you know that old Jersey that you love so much?
(Jamie nods)
NATHAN : That was from your grandpa Dan.
JAMIE : Really?! I knew it!
(Haley walks in)
HALEY : Hey! Hey.
JAMIE : Mama, grandpa Dan got me this birthday present.
(Jamie shows Haley the jersey)
HALEY : Wow!
HALEY (to Nathan) : Can I talk to you for a second?
Nathan and Haley are in their kitchen
NATHAN : He's dying, hales.
HALEY : What?!
NATHAN : Dan needs a heart transplant. He says it's his hcm. He's got six months to live, maybe not even that.
HALEY : Do you believe him? He's not even that old.
NATHAN : I don't know. I mean, it's Dan. But he's even drawn up a will, and he's leaving us the beach house, among other things. And this time, he seemed...scared. I mean, I've seen my father be a lot of things, Hales, but never scared.
HALEY : Well, if it is true, at least now we know why he wants to spend so much time with Jamie. Nothing like a ticking clock.
NATHAN : Well, ticking clock or not, Dan's not spending any time with Jamie.
BROOKE AND PEYTON'S HOUSE
Brooke is with Angie
BROOKE : Come on, baby girl. Give me a smile.
(Angie doesn't want to smile)
BROOKE : Well, fine, have it your way, but we got a big week ahead of us, kid. Tonight we'll me t the doctor who's gonna make you all better, and tomorrow aunt Millicent's gonna a watch you while I go to my super duper important meeting. Yeah. Are you gonna be okay without me?
(Someone knocks at the door)
BROOKE : It's open!
(Lucas enters)
BROOKE : Hey, what are you doing here?
LUCAS : Did you think I was gonna forget something this important? 7:00, right?
BROOKE : Yeah, 7:00 p.m. But I appreciate the enthusiasm, Luke. I am kind of nervous about the whole hospital thing. I'm not really a big fan of hospitals.
LUCAS : How's it going? Better?
BROOKE : Yeah. I'm starting to get it down. She's sleeping through the night now.
LUCAS : See? I told you you'd be a good mom. Is it what you expected?
BROOKE : It's a lot of work... A lot more than I ever thought it could be. But she's so cute!
(Peyton comes out of her room in her jammies)
PEYTON : Oh, god, that was, like, the best night's sleep ever!
(She's really embarrassed to see Lucas)
PEYTON : Luke, hey. What are you doing here?
(Lucas is watching her legs)
BROOKE : He just came by for Angie's pre-op appointment. Talk about a gentleman.
LUCAS : Probably should have just called. Brooke, I'll pick you up later.
BROOKE : Sounds good. Bye, Luke!
(Lucas leaves)
BROOKE (to Peyton) : You two.
BROOKE (to Angie) : God. They're silly. Aren't they silly?!
TREE HILL GYM
The Ravens are practicing with Skills and Lucas
LUCAS : He knew there was practice this morning, right?
SKILLS : I told him
(Quentin enters the gym. Lucas makes the team stop practicing to discuss)
LUCAS : Bring it in. So, as you can all see, Q. is out for six weeks, which means we're gonna have to make It to the playoffs without him. Every single one of you is gonna have to step it up. Now, there's 12 games between now and the playoffs, and we can't afford to lose many. Any questions?
(The team seems devastated)
LUCAS : Hey, just because Quentin's s injured doesn't mean the season's over. Now, here's what I'm expecting from each and every one of you.
(Quentin starts leaving)
SKILLS : Q., where you going?
QUENTIN : Ain't nothing g here for me now, man.
LUCAS : Hey, Q., you can't just quit.
QUENTIN : Yeah, I just did!
BROOKE AND PEYTON'S HOUSE
Brooke and Peyton are feeding Angie
PEYTON : Mmm! Look what we got. More squash and peas. Yummy.
BROOKE : She loves it. Go figure.
PEYTON : Hey, about that. Um... I just want you to know, I am available to help with Angie. It's just my hair's been on fire trying to get the new recording studio done.
BROOKE : It's okay. You are excused from baby duty. Besides... I kind of like having the time alone with Angie, so don't feel bad. And anyway, Angie's scared of her creepy aunt Peyton, isn't she? Yes. We like uncle Lucas better.
PEYTON : Hey!
BROOKE : I'm kidding. We're kidding, aren't we? Yes.
PEYTON : I mean, it is pretty great that he's helping out. It's kind of "Mr. Mom," but it's nice.
BROOKE : It's cute. And anyway, he's still pining over "Lindsey," so... I'm helping distract him. Yeah
PEYTON : Speaking of distractions, I actually have to get going to the studio.
BROOKE : Why? Who's recording?
PEYTON : Just this girl you might know. Haley James Scott.
BROOKE : Did you hear that, baby girl? Haley James Scott's making music again. That's got to be worth a smile. Yeah?
(Angie still doesn't smile)
BROOKE : Get out of here, creepy. You're scaring her.
MOUTH'S OFFICE
Mouth is working in the control room when his boss comes in
HIS BOSS : Marvin, do you have a voodoo doll?
MOUTH : Excuse me?
HIS BOSS : That, or did you fix the salmon mousse in the cafeteria? My sports on-air is sick as a dog. He just, uh, booted all over the station floor.
MOUTH : And you want me to clean that up?
HIS BOSS : No. Listen, I know we haven't spoken much since I took over for Alice... And I know you were close with her.
MOUTH : Um, pretty close, yeah.
HIS BOSS : Anyway, I really liked the demo piece you did on the ravens. So how would you like to fill in tomorrow?
MOUTH : Really? Uh, what about the weekend guy?
HIS BOSS : He is okay. But then how would you get your big shot? I got three slots... 4:00, 5:00, and 6:00. I need you to do sports for all three.
MOUTH : Yes, sir. Thank you, sir. HIS BOSS :Oh, and, uh, Marvin, I heard about your Omaha offer. I think you made the right decision.
(His boss leaves)
MOUTH : Sweet!
THE COACH'S OFFICE
Lucas is working. Haley walks in
HALEY : Luke, do you have a second?
(Haley enters the room and closes the door)
HALEY : It's Dan. He's dying.
LUCAS : Right.
HALEY : I'm serious. It's something about his heart. He had Nathan out to the beach house to tell him.
LUCAS : And Nathan believes him? I think so. At least, he seemed pretty convinced. Dan drafted up will and everything. Why? You think he's lying?
LUCAS : Of course he's lying! All right, I... I'll get into it, anyway? But in the meantime, be careful. All right? Don't let him suck you and Nathan back into his life.
HALEY : I know. I'm with you on that. But what if he's telling the truth? What if he really is dying?
LUCAS : Well, then, all I have to say is... It couldn't happen to a nicer guy.
THE RIVERCOURT
Nathan is playing alone when Dan arrives
DAN : You'll get it back again, trust me.
NATHAN : What are you doing here?
DAN : You told me in the gym you weren't trying to come back, and I know you are... it's what I would do.
NATHAN : It's not a comeback. Sure.
DAN : You know, Nathan, you may just have to face the fact that you'll never be the same player you once were, but that doesn't mean you still won't be a great player. You just have to learn how to play differently... Reinvent yourself. The best players always find a way. Okay, try it again, but slow it down a tad.
NATHAN : Stop it!
DAN : Stop what?
NATHAN : Following me. Trying to see Jamie. This... all of it. Dan, I don't care that you're dying, okay? This isn't happening. We're done here.
DAN : Nathan, don't hate me because I'm proud of your accomplishments. Take it from someone who knows. You don't want to live a life of regret. It's not too late. You can have your dream. You just have to really want it.
(Nathan throws the basket ball toward Dan)
NATHAN : Stop it! Okay, you don't get it, do you?! Just stop it... all of it! And leave my family alone!
(Nathan leaves)
PEYTON'S RECORDING STUDIO
Peyton and Haley are about to start working
PEYTON : Oh, there! Check it out. How awesome is this, Haley? It's Red Bedroom studios.
(Haley seems preoccupied)
HALEY : Yeah, it's great.
PEYTON : Hey. What's going on with you?
HALEY : Nothing. I'm fine. It's just, um...nothing. The studio looks awesome.
PEYTON : So, what is it?
HALEY : Can I just ask you a personal question?
PEYTON : Yeah, please do.
HALEY : If you had the chance to get to know your real father, would you want to?
PEYTON : Oh, wow. I mean, you know what? Before Ellie, I probably would have said no, but she was awesome. And, so, yeah, it does make me kind of wonder about my real dad sometimes. But... You know, then again, what if I meet him and I don't like him? So, sometimes I think it's just easier not to know and go with my own idealized version of him.
HALEY : Yeah.
PEYTON : Why do you ask?
HALEY : There's a chance Dan might be dying.
PEYTON : Are you kidding? Does Nathan know?
HALEY : Yeah, Nathan and Lucas both know. The problem is with Jamie. He is obsessed with getting to know his grandfather, and if Dan's really sick, he might not get the chance to do that.
PEYTON : God, Haley. I'm sorry. That's tough. Um... I mean, I will say that getting to know Ellie changed my life. And I'm pretty sure we wouldn't be standing here if it wasn't for her. Then again, Ellie wasn't Dan Scott.
THE BEACH HOUSE
Lucas comes to visit Dan
LUCAS : Well, you look healthy.
DAN : Come on in, Lucas. Have a seat.
LUCAS : Nah, that's okay, what I have to say I can say from right here.
DAN : Well, suit yourself. But you of all people should take this seriously.
LUCAS : There's nothing wrong with my heart. If I know you, there's nothing wrong with yours, either.
DAN : I wish that was true. But I've got the best cardiologist money can buy, and even he can't help me. Dr. Thorton... call him yourself.
LUCAS : I might just do that.
DAN : Good. And when you do, you'll find out that I'm not lying. Without a transplant, I'll be dead within six months.
LUCAS : But you're dead to so many of us already, Dan.
(Lucas leaves)
PEYTON'S RECORDING STUDIO
Haley is playing piano
PEYTON : So, do you want to put down the piano scratch track first?
HALEY : Yeah, that's perfect.
PEYTON : Hey! Who would have thought that one day we'd be in our own recording studio making your next record together?
HALEY : On your label. It's great that you're really enjoying your work so much, Peyton. Just as long as you're not using it to hide behind.
PEYTON (laughing) : What's that supposed to mean?
HALEY : Look, before the wedding, I told Lucas that he shouldn't marry Lindsey.
PEYTON : Why?
HALEY : 'Cause I just read his new novel, and when I did, I knew right away that he was still in love with you, whether he's ready to admit it or not.
PEYTON : It's a book, okay? You can't draw those kind of conclusions from a story.
HALEY : Really? What about when I write my music? Some of my subconscious always ends up sneaking into my lyrics somewhere. I don't even notice it until the song's done I think Lucas is the same way with his writing.
PEYTON : Well, I watched him up on that altar, and it's very clear to me where his heart lies, and if I can see it, I'm not really sure why Lindsey can't. You know, it's unfair to Luke. He loves her.
HALEY : I think she's just afraid of the idea of you... your history with him. Think how you'd feel if the roles were reversed.
DOCTOR'S OFFICE
Brooke and Lucas are with Angie. The cardiologist enters.
DOCTOR : Hi. Sorry if I kept you waiting. I'm Dr. Copeland. You must be Brooke Davis. Mm-hmm. Clothes, right?
BROOKE : Yes.
DOCTOR : I thought you looked familiar. Which must make you...
LUCAS : A friend. Lucas Scott.
DOCTOR : Great. So I just wanted to run through the surgical procedure so you can know what to expect. Are you familiar with Angie's condition?
BROOKE : Not really. She has a hole in her heart, right?
DOCTOR : She has a number of holes, actually, but we're gonna fix them. We'll put Angie under a general anesthesia. We'll stop her heart, and then I'll do the repairs.
BROOKE : You have to stop her heart for how long?
DOCTOR : Two hours, maybe longer, depending on the extent of her condition.
BROOKE : Two hours?
DOCTOR : Yes, that... that's how we do it, Brooke. Angie will be on a heart-and-lung machine, which will keep blood and oxygen circulating in her body. Then I will graft skin from another part of her heart and use it to fix the holes.
LUCAS : How do you intend to restart Angie's heart?
DOCTOR : After the repairs are complete, we will use an electric shock. And once she's stabilized, we'll take her to the ICU, and you'll be able to see her then.
BROOKE : I know I don't have a choice here, but this seems so dangerous. Is... is there some other way?
DOCTOR : Hmm, uh, I'm sorry, but, u n no, there... there is no other way to correct Angie's condition.
LUCAS : Dr. Copeland, what's Angie's prognosis If she didn't have the surgery?
DOCTOR : A year, maybe two.
BROOKE : And then what?
DOCTOR : She'll die.
(Brooke is kinda in shock, Lucas is comforting her)
DOCTOR : Look, Brooke, it's... it's okay to be nervous, but, um, I... I just... I want you to focus on what a great thing it is that you're doing for Angie.
BROOKE : Okay. Thank you.
DOCTOR : So, if there are no further questions, I will see you next week.
LUCAS : Actually, there is one thing. Do you happen to know a Dr. Thorton?
THE RIVERCOURT
Quentin is playing. Nathan arrives
NATHAN : You're shooting like me now.
QUENTIN : Yeah, we both former ravens now, too.
NATHAN : What? Why?
QUENTIN : Oh, well, I don't know. Let's see... this thing? Hmm?
(Quentin shows his cast)
NATHAN : You're still part of the team, Q. You can't just quit because you're injured.
QUENTIN : You sound like your brother now. I mean, I expected a little grief from you, but what's Lucas know about playing injured anyway?
NATHAN : Let me tell you something about Lucas. Lucas played injured his entire senior year. It cost him a lot of playing time, but he never gave up on his team. And what if they make the playoffs?
QUENTIN : They won't. Even if they do, man, it's my shooting hand, Nate. I ain't gonna be ready for the scouts anyway.
NATHAN : Well, then you'll have to learn how to play differently. You're gonna have to reinvent your game.
QUENTIN : Reinvent my... man, that ain't that easy, okay?
NATHAN : Who said it was gonna be easy? But what are you gonna do? Are you gonna quit? Are you gonna throw away everything you ever worked for?
QUENTIN : No, I'm not going to. I already did, okay? You know I punched that dude for you?
NATHAN : Oh, come on. I've thrown a lot of punches, and every last one was selfish. Now, face it, Q., you punched that guy for you. Deal with it.
THE APARTMENT
Millicent is playing video game
MILLICENT : You're dead, dude! Deal with it!
(Mouth arrives)
MILLICENT : Hey! These games are so addicting. I just waxed a 13-year-old kid from Arkansas. He was pretty upset.
MOUTH : Ok.. We're gonna have to keep an eye on that. Millie, you won't guess what happened to me today at work.
MILLICENT : What?
MOUTH : I'm gonna get a shot to anchor the sports segments tomorrow.
MILLICENT : No way!
MOUTH : Yeah, the regular guy's sick. And the station manager's giving me a shot.
MILLICENT : Marvin, that is great! Just think of all those people who are gonna be watching you on TV.
MOUTH : You want to come? You can be there at the station.
MILLICENT : I wish I could, but Brooke has her big presentation tomorrow, and I promised to look after the baby. But I'll watch every minute of you on the big screen at the store. I'm so proud of you, Marvin. You're gonna do great.
NATHAN AND HALEY'S HOUSE
Jamie joins Haley in the kitchen
JAMIE : Mama, where does grandpa dan live?
HALEY : Uh, why?
JAMIE : I need to thank him for my birthday present. Can you take me?
HALEY : Um, well, I...I can't do that right now, 'Cause, well, grandpa Dan lives at the beach, and it's getting kind of late. But I'll tell you what we {y:i}can do. You can write your grandpa Dan a thank-you note, and I will make sure that he gets it.
JAMIE : Cool I'll write the best thank-you note ever.
HALEY : Okay, cool.
(Jamie leaves and Haley seems embarrassed)
BROOKE AND PEYTON'S HOUSE
Brooke is putting Angie in bed. Lucas is there
BROOKE : That's my girl. Okay. Okay. I can't even get her to smile, Luke. What am I doing? What if she dies? What then? What do I tell her parents... these people that I've never met? What made me think I could handle this?
LUCAS : Hey, just remember, you're giving Angie a chance to live a full, wonderful life. She couldn't do that without the surgery.
BROOKE : Yeah, I guess so.
(After a blank)
BROOKE : Thank you for being here for us.
LUCAS : Thank you for letting me.
BROOKE : Sweet girl.
NATHAN AND HALEY'S HOUSE
Jamie is playing video game with Skills
JAMIE : And your face dough...
SKILLS : You suck, you know that?
JAMIE : I do not.
SKILLS : Do too. Ah, you killing me. In the kitchen, Nathan, Lucas and Haley are talking
LUCAS : It's true. Dan's dying. Without a transplant, he's got six months.
HALEY : And you're sure?
LUCAS : I spoke with the cardiologist.
NATHAN : So, what are we gonna do?
LUCAS : Nothing. In six months, Dan's out of our lives once and for all. It couldn't happen to a more deserving guy. Maybe that makes me the one with the bad heart, but I say... good riddance. Skills and Jamie are still playing
SKILLS : No, no, no, no! Not another 3, man! What, you scared to go to the hole, little man?
JAMIE : I'm beating you, aren't I?
SKILLS : Yeah, but why you only shooting 3s?
JAMIE : 'Cause 3s are better than 2s.
(That makes Skills thinking)
SKILLS : Have I ever told you that you was a genius lately?
JAMIE : Not lately. You said I suck.
SKILLS : Well, I take it back. You don't suck.
CLOTHES OVER BROS
Brooke is arriving at the store with Angie
BROOKE : Hi!
MILLICENT : Hi, sweetie! Brooke, you're never gonna believe this, but Marvin's doing the sports segment on the news.
BROOKE : Really?!
MILLICENT : It's just about to start. Now, you've got everything for your meeting, right? Sketches, sales projections, textile samples...
BROOKE : Millie, I have it!
(They look at the TV)
BROOKE : Ooh, ooh, it's starting!
SPORTS ANNOUNCER (on TV) : Now here's Marvin Mcfadden with sports.
MOUTH (on TV) : Time to fill out... those b-brackets.
(Mouth seems really uncomfortable)
MOUTH'S RECORDING STUDIO
MOUTH : The top seeds in this...
(Mouth is not looking at the right prompter)
JERRY : Mcfadden, Mcfadden.
MOUTH : With North Carolina's own blue devils finding themselves on top of the east...
EMPLOYEE (whispering to Mouth) : ...Tar heels.
MOUTH : ... Uh, Carolina tar heels. They're not, um... Duke is the, uh...
CLOTHES OVER BROS
Brooke and Millicent are still watching the TV, surprised by Mouth's horrible performance
MOUTH (on TV) : ...to the links, where Tiger Woods was up to his old tricks again.
MOUTH'S RECORDING STUDIO
MOUTH : Today, Tiger won the Arnold hill's invitational.
JERRY : Arnold hill? Who the hell's Arnold hill?
MOUTH : Um, the Arnold palmer invitational at the pine hills country club. That's always tricky.
(By stress, Mouth spills his glass of water)
MOUTH : That's sports, and I'm, uh...
CLOTHES OVER BROS
MOUTH (on TV) : ... wet.
MILLICENT : That wasn't good, was it?
BROOKE : At least it's over.
MILLICENT : No, it's not. He has two more broadcasts this afternoon.
BROOKE : Millie, Mouth needs you at the TV station More than I need you here, so come on. If we hurry, I can drop you off and still make it in time. Come on, baby, let's go.
(They leave the store)
BOYS LOCKER ROOM
Nathan, Lucas, Skills and Jamie are trying to figure out a new game plan
LUCAS : So... Without Quentin, we have no inside game, no defense...
JAMIE : And no assists.
SKILLS : I got an idea.
LUCAS : Let's hear it.
SKILLS : I say we push the tempo and just shoot 3s... Like, almost all 3s. I mean, we still got some good outside shooters, and they're in pretty good shape, so if we push it, we might just run the score up high enough to when we don't need no big man in the paint.
LUCAS : Almost all 3s, huh?
SKILLS : He I it wasn't my idea. It was him.
(Skills points a Jamie)
LUCAS : That's a good idea, Jamie. But, see, with that kind of offense, we're gonna need a really strong player to distribute the ball and get back on "d."
NATHAN : You've already got that player... Quentin.
LINDSEY'S OFFICE
Lindsey is on the phone
LINDSEY (on the phone) : Well, I have that breakfast meeting at 7:30.
(Someone knocks at the door)
LINDSEY : Come in.
(Peyton enters)
PEYTON : Hi.
LINDSEY (on the phone) : Uh, I got to go.
(She hangs up)
PEYTON : We need to talk.
LINDSEY : What are you doing here, Peyton?
PEYTON : Okay, weird and totally inappropriate of me. But I'm kind of here for Lucas and for you.
LINDSEY : Peyton, I already told you, there's nothing to say.
PEYTON : Please, hear me out. 'Cause I know that he loves you, and he hasn't wavered from that. Yes, he wrote about a comet, but in his nonfiction life, he seems very much in love with you.
LINDSEY : Have you read the book, Peyton?
(Peyton doesn't answer)
LINDSEY : I didn't think so, because if you had, you wouldn't be so sure who Lucas loves and how much.
PEYTON : Lindsey, the book was a work of fiction. But what wasn't fiction was the fact that he said "I do" to you in that church.
(Lindsey takes Lucas' script)
LINDSEY : It's not me that has to make a decision about Lucas. It's you.
(Lindsey is holding the script to Peyton)
LINDSEY : Go home, Peyton. Go home and read his book.
TREE HILL GYM
Quentin is playing with Jamie
QUENTIN : All right, you ready?
(Quentin makes the shot)
QUENTIN : Oh, there it is. Hold your follow-through.
(Nathan arrives)
JAMIE : Daddy, Quentin's teaching me to shot left-hand free throws.
NATHAN : Oh, yeah?
(Nathan sees Dan waiting in the doorstep)
QUENTIN : You wanted to see me?
NATHAN : Yeah. Yeah, actually, hold that thought, okay? Jamie, um, keep shooting. I'll be right back.
(Nathan starts going toward Dan)
NATHAN : Oh, and, hey, Quentin, you're not quitting the ravens.
JAMIE : You quit the ravens?
QUENTIN : Yeah, I got hurt, little man.
JAMIE : My daddy got hurt too... Sometimes it makes him sad. I'd give anything to see him play again. I can tell he wants to.
Nathan joins Dan in the hallway
NATHAN : You realize I can make one phone call and have your parole revoked for coming around here like this?
DAN : Just hear me out, Nathan. Once I've said my piece, I'll go and never come back, If that's what you want.
NATHAN : Okay, you got five minutes.
DAN : I've never told anyone else this before, but when I was in prison, I tried to kill myself. I put a rope around my neck, and I tried to hang myself.
NATHAN : Dad, I...I...
DAN : Just let me finish. When I stepped off that chair... I'd truly given up on everything. But then the rope broke, and I took it as a sign... A sign that I wasn't finished on this earth, that my life was incomplete. So, you see, I need to fix it. I need to fix all of it... you, us. I need that peace before I die. Son, let me help you with what little time I have left.
JAMIE (from the gym) : Good shot, Q.!
DAN : Nathan... Please... Son... Don't deny a dying man his last wish.
MOUTH'S RECORDING STUDIO
Mouth is waiting for his second slot
JERRY : Mcfadden, sports is up.
(Mouth is scared)
JERRY : Hey, are you okay? Are you gonna be able to do this?
(Millicent appears behind Mouth)
MILLICENT : He'll be fine.
MOUTH : I don't know what happened. I got nervous. I mean, With the... the bright lights and the teleprompters. It's... it's different than I expected.
MILLICENT : Marvin, it's okay. Do you remember what you told me when you first brought me here?
MOUTH : I can't remember.
MILLICENT : You said that sports reminded you of the greatness we all have inside of us. You said that on any given day, an underdog can rise up. Well, you're my underdog, Marvin. And you can do this.
JERRY : 20 seconds, Mcfadden.
MILLICENT : This time, when you go back on the air, just talk to me. Tune out all the crew, the people watching, everyone else... Just look at me. I'll be right behind that teleprompter thingy.
(Mouth goes to the desk)
JERRY : Okay. And we're back. In five... Four...three...
MOUTH : The bobcats showed much improvement this year, and today at their annual fan appreciation day, there was genuine excitement about what lies ahead.
(Mouth seems comfortable, Millicent smiles)
MACY'S APPOINTMENT
Brooke arrive at the presentation with Angie. There are 5 persons waiting
MACY'S EMPLOYEE : Brooke Davis.
BROOKE : Hi. So sorry I'm late, everyone. Something sort of came up.
(She shows Angie)
BROOKE : Excuse me.
(She put Angie and all her stuff on the desk)
BROOKE : I'll just set that... set that here. Sorry. We can get started.
MACY'S EMPLOYEE : Are you sure you're prepared for this meeting, Ms. Davis? Perhaps we should reschedule.
BROOKE : Oh, no. I'm ready to go. I just, uh...
(Angie starts crying)
BROOKE : I just need one second, okay? I'll be right back.
(She takes Angie and leaves the room)
THE COACH'S OFFICE
Quentin arrives and finds Skills behind the desk
SKILLS : Oh, you must be looking for Lucas.
QUENTIN : No, actually, I was, uh... I... I was looking for you. Look...I... I owe you an apology. I'm sorry. Man, I... I said some things That were just out of line. I was just upset about my wrist, and I didn't think you had my back.
SKILLS : Quentin, the day you think Lucas and I don't have your best interest at heart, that's the day I got to call you on it. I mean, you got to know that we look at the big picture and what's best for you. Now, Lucas and Nathan, they good people, man, but you got to trust us, and you got to know that we gonna do whatever it takes to get you where you want to be.
QUENTIN : Yes, sir.
SKILLS : Okay.
(Quentin starts to leave)
QUENTIN : So...about that, uh... that locker I cleared out yesterday... you didn't give it away, did you?
SKILLS : We probably could get that back. Hey, Q. Apology accepted, man.
MACY'S APPOINTMENT
Brooke is with Angie in the hallway
BROOKE : Okay, we're in this together. It's just me and you. So we have to work like a team, all right? It's just, this is really important to me, and I just get this one shot, so I'm depending on you. Yeah.
(Angie stops crying)
BROOKE : Good. Now, you and I are gonna go back in that room and kick a little presentation butt, all right? You with me?
TREE HILL GYM
Lucas and Nathan are with the team, explaining the new game plan
LUCAS : So, are you with me?
PLAYER 1 : So, we're all just gonna shoot 3s, coach?
LUCAS : For the most part. I mean, I'm not gonna tell you to pass on any open layups, but...yeah. I want you shooting the ball within 8 seconds of every possession. Got it?
PLAYER 2 : But if we just shooting 3s, who's gonna get us the ball?
(Quentin enters the gym with Skills)
QUENTIN : me.
LUCAS : Meet your new point guard. If we're going out, we're going out together, guns blazing. All right, "ravens" on three.
QUENTIN : Yeah!
LUCAS : One, two, three.
TEAM : Ravens!
MACY'S APPOINTMENT
Brooke is making her presentation. Angie is in the Macy's employee's arms
BROOKE : So, we've gone over the demos, you've seen what I have planned for the fall line, and you've heard why a partnership with Clothes over bro's would be a perfect fit, but, frankly, I still think there's something missing. And let me tell you what it is... her.
(Brooke looks at Angie)
BROOKE : Angie represents an underserved but lucrative market, and clothes over bro's is about to unveil a new line to fit that need.
(Brooke shows new sketches, for babies)
BROOKE : Baby Brooke. The future is now. This exciting new line has all the style and hipness You've come to expect from clothes over bro's. It's fun, it's edgy, and every cute baby is gonna drool for it... or on it.
(The Macy's representatives laugh)
BROOKE : It's good, huh? I know. Why don't you take five minutes, discuss, and we'll be outside?
(Brooke takes Angie)
BROOKE : Come here, my angel. Yeah. That's my girl.
(And leaves the room)
In the hallway
BROOKE : Nice work, team. Yeah!
MOUTH'S RECORDING STUDIO
Mouth is still on air
MOUTH : With star player Quentin fields out of action, we'll have to see what coach Lucas Scott has up his sleeve to get the ravens on track. I'm Marvin Mcfadden, and that's sports. We'll be right back after this message.
(Mouth and Millicent smile)
TREE HILL GYM
The Ravens are practicing
LUCAS : Let's go! Let's go! 8 seconds!
(End of the game)
LUCAS : Nice! Nice job, Q. With you at point, this crazy offense might just work. Yes!
(Nathan starts leaving)
QUENTIN : Hey... hey, coach, can I get a second?
LUCAS : Yeah.
QUENTIN : Hey, hey, Nate. Hey, hey! Listen... Listen, I, uh... I just wanted to say thanks.
NATHAN : It's all good. Hell, it was Jamie's idea anyway.
QUENTIN : No, i mean, than f for believing in me. Thanks for showing me the way back.
NATHAN : Just do your best, Q.
QUENTIN : I'll do you one better. All right? I'll make you a deal. I'm gonna do this. I'm gonna work hard, but you need to work hard, too. Okay? For yourself, for Jamie. You know, comeback?
NATHAN : Come back sucks,?
QUENTIN : Yeah, for now it does, but, look. You saw something in me before I even saw it in myself. Maybe this is that. A couple hours every day, practice, you and me? Huh?
NATHAN : Okay. Okay, it's a deal. Just don't call it a comeback.
QUENTIN : A'ight.
MOUTH'S RECORDING STUDIO
Mouth is with Millicent. Jerry comes to see them
JERRY : That was some comeback, Mouth. For a while there, we didn't think you were gonna make it. Nice work, buddy.
(Jerry leaves)
MOUTH : Thank you so much, Millie. I couldn't have done it without you.
MILLICENT : I didn't do anything. You did it all.
MOUTH : You helped.
(Mouth looks at the desk)
MOUTH : You want to try it?
(Millicent shakes her head, embarrassed)
MOUTH : Come on.
(Mouth brings her behind the desk. They both seat)
MOUTH : All you have to do Is read right off the teleprompter in front of you. Try it. Hey, guys, can you, uh, roll the prompter?
(We see the prompter. Millicent starts reading it)
MILLICENT : "ending the bulls' run of s w wins with a 101-114 loss."
(After a blank)
MILLICENT : "thank you, Millie, for believing in me."
(After another blank)
MILLICENT : "I love you... Marvin."
(She looks at Mouth)
MILLICENT : You love me?
MOUTH : Yeah, I do. I love you, Millicent Huxtable.
MILLICENT : I love you, too, Marvin Mcfadden.
(They kiss)
NATHAN AND HALEY'S HOUSE
Haley just put Jamie in bed. She kisses him goodnight and see the note Jamie made for Dan
HALEY : Look at that, you wrote your thank-you note to grandpa Dan, huh?
(Jamie nods)
HALEY : Well, let's see what it says. Okay.
(Haley starts reading)
HALEY : "Dear grandpa Dan, I had..."
(Jamie continues by heart)
JAMIE : "... the best birthday ever. Thank you for the great jersey. It makes me feel just like my dad when I wear it. I wish you could have been at my party just like you were there to save me. I hope you can come to my next birthday and all the ones after that. I love you. James Lucas Scott, age 5." Do you think he'll like it?
HALEY : Oh, I think he's gonna love it! You're a good boy, James Lucas Scott, age 5. I love you very much. Night.
(Haley leaves the room with the note)
Haley joins Nathan in the kitchen and shows him the note
HALEY : What are we gonna do about Jamie and Dan?
NATHAN : I don't know. I just can't believe he's dying. I mean, as horrible as he's been, It's hard to imagine him gone for good.
HALEY : I know nothing's more important than this family, But if you need closure with your father, I understand. Just be careful.
LUCAS' HOUSE
Lucas is at his desk, working on his novel. He sees Lindsey connected on the chat
NATHAN AND HALEY'S HOUSE
Haley is alone in the kitchen. She put Jamie's note in the trash
THE BEACH HOUSE
Someone knocks at Dan's door. It's Nathan
DAN : Nathan, come in. Would you like a drink?
NATHAN : No, thanks. I thought a lot about what you said, and you were right about a lot of things. I know I wouldn't have gotten as far as I have without you pushing me. And if there's one thing I've learned over the past four years, It's that family is important.
DAN : You're right, son. Our family is the most important thing
NATHAN : No. I mean my family. And you're not part of it anymore. That's what I came here to tell you.
DAN : Nathan, please.
NATHAN : I'm sorry that you're dying. But you have to know i can never forgive you... Not now, not ever.
DAN : So, that's it? You're just gonna make that decision.
NATHAN : No, dad. You made that decision for me the moment you pulled that trigger.
(Nathan leaves. Dan's got angry)
LINDSEY'S OFFICE
Lindsey is in front of her computer and sees a video chat invitation from Lucas
LUCAS' HOUSE
We see that Lindsey declined the invitation on Lucas' computer
BROOKE AND PEYTON'S HOUSE
Peyton is in her bed, finishing Lucas' script, crying
LUCAS (voiceover) : And his world would be whole again, and his belief in god and love and art would be reawakened in his heart. Brooke is over Angie's crib
BROOKE : Thank you for being so good today. We make a pretty good team, me and you. I know this surgery is really scary, but I'm gonna be right here for you every step of the way, okay? We're gonna get through this together. Yeah.
(Brooke starts crying)
BROOKE : And I know I'm not your real mom, but i could just use a sign or something to let me know I'm doing okay.
(Angie smiles)
BROOKE : Okay. It's you and me, baby. | Plan: A: the difficulties; Q: What does Brooke deal with about being a parent? A: Peyton; Q: Who visits Lindsey in New York? A: Quentin; Q: Who makes up with his enemies? A: Mouth; Q: Who gets his big-time shot? A: Dan's condition; Q: What do Lucas, Nathan, and Haley deal with? A: Ben Harper; Q: Who wrote the song that inspired the episode? Summary: Brooke deals with the difficulties of being a parent. Peyton visits Lindsey in New York. Quentin makes up with his enemies. Mouth gets his big-time shot. Lucas, Nathan, and Haley deal with Dan's condition and whether or not to tell Jamie.[33] This episode is named after a song by Ben Harper . |
[Scene: A Street: Monica and Phoebe are walking to a newsstand.]
Phoebe: Do you think they have yesterday's daily news?
Monica: Why?
Phoebe: Just wanna check my horoscope, see if it was right.
Monica: Oh my God. (Grabs Phoebe and turns her away) Phoebe. Don't look now, but behind us is a guy who has the potential to break our hearts and plunge us into a pit of depression.
Phoebe: Where? (Turns to face him) Ooh, come to Momma.
Monica: He's coming. Be cool, be cool, be cool.
(The guy walks past them)
Guy: Nice hat.
Monica and Phoebe: (in unison) Thanks.
(The guy walks on)
Phoebe: We should do something. Whistle.
Monica: We are not going to whistle.
Phoebe: Come on, do it.
Monica: No!
Phoebe: Do it!
Monica: No!
Phoebe: Do it do it do it!
Monica: (Shouts to the guy) Woo-woo!
(The guy turns round, startled. Monica points to Phoebe. The guy gets hit by a truck)
Phoebe: I can't believe you did that!
Opening Credits
[Scene: Hospital, the guy is in a coma and Mon and Pheebs are visiting.]
Monica: Why did I 'woo-hoo'? I mean, what was I hoping would happen? That-that he'd turn round and say 'I love that sound, I must have you now'?
Phoebe: I just wish there was something we could do. (Bends down and talks to him) Hello. Hello, Coma Guy. GET UP, YOU GIRL SCOUT! UP! UP! UP!
Monica: Phoebe, what are you doing?
Phoebe: Maybe nobody's tried this.
Monica: I wish we at least knew his name... Look at that face. I mean, even sleeping, he looks smart. I bet he's a lawyer.
Phoebe: Yeah, but did you see the dents in his knuckles? That means he's artistic.
Monica: Okay, he's a lawyer, who teaches sculpting on the side. And- he can dance!
Phoebe: Oh! And, he's the kinda guy who, when you're talking, he's listening, y'know, and not saying 'Yeah, I understand' but really wondering what you look like naked.
Monica: I wish all guys could be like him.
Phoebe: I know.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Phoebe are telling everyone about their coma guy.]
Chandler: Are there no conscious men in the city for you two?
Monica: He doesn't have anyone.
Phoebe: Yeah, we-we feel kinda responsible.
Joey: I can't believe you said woowoo. I don't even say woowoo.
Rachel: Oh, she's coming up! She's coming up! (Turns on the TV)
Jay Leno: (on TV) Folks, when we come back we'll be talking about her new book, 'Euphoria Unbound': the always interesting Nora Tyler Bing. You might wanna put the kids to bed for this one.
(Everyone has settled down to watch, except Chandler)
Chandler: Y'know, we don't have to watch this. Weekend At Bernie's is on Showtime, HBO, and Cinemax.
Rachel: No way, forget it.
Joey: C'mon, she's your mom!
Chandler: Exactly. Weekend At Bernie's! Dead guy getting hit in the groin twenty, thirty times! No?
Rachel: Chandler, I gotta tell you, I love your mom's books! I love her books! I cannot get on a plane without one! I mean, this is so cool!
Chandler: Yeah, well, you wouldn't think it was cool if you're eleven years old and all your friends are passing around page 79 of 'Mistress Bitch.'
Ross: C'mon, Chandler, I love your mom. I think she's a blast.
Chandler: You can say that because she's not your mom.
Ross: Oh, please...
(Rachel opens the door to Paolo)
Paolo: Bona sera.
Rachel: Oh, hi sweetie. (They kiss)
Ross: When did Rigatoni get back from Rome?
Monica: Last night.
Ross: Ah, so then his plane didn't explode in a big ball of fire?... Just a dream I had- but, phew.
Phoebe: Hey hey hey! She's on!
Paolo: Ah! Nora Bing!
Jay Leno: (on TV) ...Now what is this about you-you being arrested i-in London? What is that all about?
Phoebe: Your mom was arrested?
Chandler: Shhh, busy beaming with pride.
Mrs. Bing: (on TV) ...This is kind of embarrassing, but occasionally after I've been intimate with a man...
Chandler: Now why would she say that's embarrassing?
All: Shhh.
Mrs. Bing: (on TV) ...I just get this craving for Kung Pow Chicken.
Chandler: THAT'S TOO MUCH INFORMATION!!
Jay Leno: (on TV) Alright, so now you're doing this whole book tour thing, how is that going?
Mrs. Bing: (on TV) Oh, fine. I'm leaving for New York tomorrow, which I hate- but I get to see my son, who I love...
All: Awww!
Chandler: This is the way that I find out. Most moms use the phone.
Jay Leno: (on TV) Y'know, don't take this wrong, I-I just don't see you a-as a mom, somehow.. I don't mean that, I don't mean that bad...
Mrs. Bing: (on TV) Oh no, I am a fabulous mom! I bought my son his first condoms.
(The gang turn to look at Chandler)
Chandler: ...And then he burst into flames.
[Scene: The Hospital, it's a montage of Monica and Phoebe's visit to the hospital with My Guy playing in the background. It starts with Monica reading a newspaper to him.]
Monica: Let's see. Congress is debating a new deficit reduction bill... the mayor wants to raise subway fares again... the high today was forty-five... and- oh, teams played sports.
[Next is a shot of them dragging an enormous plant into the room, then Monica knitting a sweater, then Phoebe singing, then Phoebe shaving him and chatting to Monica]
Phoebe: What about Glen? He could be a Glen.
Monica: Nah... not-not special enough.
Phoebe: Ooh! How about Agamemnon?
Monica: Waaay too special.
[Scene: A Mexican Restaurant, Monica, Phoebe, Joey, Chandler and his mom are there.]
Mrs. Bing: I am famished. What do I want... (Looks at Chandler's menu)
Chandler: Please God don't let it be Kung Pow Chicken.
Mrs. Bing: Oh, you watched the show! What'd you think?
Chandler: Well, I think you need to come out of your shell just a little.
Ross: (Entering) What is this dive? Only you could've picked this place.
Mrs. Bing: Oooh, c'mon, shut up, it's fun. Gimme a hug. (They both sit down) Well, I think we're ready for some tequila.
Chandler: I know I am.
Mrs. Bing: Who's doing shots?
Monica: Yeah.
Phoebe: I'm in.
Mrs. Bing: There y'go. Ross?
Ross: Uh, I'm not really a shot drinking kinda guy.
(Enter Rachel and Paolo. They are both somewhat flustered)
Rachel: Hi! Sorry- sorry we're late, we, uh, kinda just, y'know, lost track of time.
Ross: ...But a man can change. (Downs a shot)
[Time lapse. Ross is now clearly drunk. He is holding up a shot glass to his eye like a jeweller's eye.]
Ross: Anyone want me to appraise anything?
(Rachel feeds something to Paolo. He eats it and licks her hand)
Rachel: Mrs. Bing, I have to tell you, I've read everything you've ever written. No, I mean it! I mean, when I read Euphoria at Midnight, all I wanted to do was become a writer.
Mrs. Bing: Oh, please, honey, listen, if I can do it, anybody can. You just start with half a dozen European cities, throw in thirty euphemisms for male genitalia, and bam! You have got yourself a book.
Chandler: Myyy mother, ladies and gentlemen.
[Cut to Mrs. Bing on the telephone.]
Mrs. Bing: Yeah, any messages for room 226?
(Ross emerges from a toilet marked 'Chicas')
Mrs. Bing: You okay there, slugger?
Ross: Yeah, I'm fine, I'm fine. (A woman emerges from the toilet behind him and he tries to pretend he was in the other one)
Mrs. Bing: What is with you tonight?
Ross: Nothing. Nothing nothing nothing.
Mrs. Bing: (To phone) Okay, thank you. (To Ross) It's the Italian Hand-Licker, isn't it.
Ross: No. It's the one he's licking.
Mrs. Bing: She's supposed to be with you.
Ross: You're good.
Mrs. Bing: Oh, Ross, listen to me. I have sold a hundred million copies of my books, and y'know why?
Ross: The girl on the cover with her nipples showing?
Mrs. Bing: No. Because I know how to write men that women fall in love with. Believe me, I cannot sell a Paolo. People will not turn three hundred twenty-five pages for a Paolo. C'mon, the guy's a secondary character, a, y'know, complication you eventually kill off.
Ross: When?
Mrs. Bing: He's not a hero. ...You know who our hero is.
Ross: The guy on the cover with his nipples showing?
Mrs. Bing: No, it's you!
Ross: Please.
Mrs. Bing: No, really, c'mon. You're smart, you're sexy...
Ross: Right.
Mrs. Bing: You are gonna be fine, believe me.
(She kisses him on the cheek)
Ross: Uh-oh...
(...Then full on the mouth)
(Enter Joey)
Joey: Uhhhh.... I'll just pee in the street.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, the next morning. Joey is getting the door in his dressing gown-it's Ross.]
Ross: Hey, is Chandler here?
Joey: Yeah.
(Ross drags Joey into the hall and slams the door)
Ross: Okay, uh, about last night, um, Chandler.. you didn't tell... (Joey shakes his head) Okay, 'cause I'm thinking- we don't need to tell Chandler, I mean, it was just a kiss, right? One kiss? No big deal? Right?
Joey: Right. No big deal.
Ross: Okay.
Joey: In Bizarro World!! You broke the code!
Ross: What code?
Joey: You don't kiss your friend's mom! Sisters are okay, maybe a hot-lookin' aunt... but not a mom, never a mom!
(Chandler opens the door and startles them. He picks up the paper)
Chandler: What are you guys doing out here?
Ross: Uh.. uh.. Well, Joey and I had discussed getting in an early morning racquetball game. But, um, apparently, somebody overslept.
Joey: Yeah, well, you don't have your racket.
Ross: No, no I don't, because it's being restrung, somebody was supposed to bring me one.
Joey: Yeah, well you didn't call and leave your grip size.
Chandler: Okay, you guys spend waaaay too much time together. (Goes back inside and shuts the door)
Ross: Okay, I'm scum, I'm scum.
Joey: Ross, how could you let this happen?
Ross: I don't know, God, I... well, it's not like she's a regular mom, y'know? She's, she's sexy, she's...
Joey: You don't think my mom's sexy?
Ross: Well... not in the same way...
Joey: I'll have you know that Gloria Tribbiani was a handsome woman in her day, alright? You think it's easy giving birth to seven children?
Ross: Okay, I think we're getting into a weird area here...
(Monica and Rachel's door opens and Rachel and Paolo emerge)
Rachel: Hey.
Ross: Hey.
Rachel: What're you guys doing out here?
Ross: Well, not playing raquetball!
Joey: He forgot to leave his grip size!
Ross: He didn't get the goggles!
Rachel: Well,sounds like you two have issues.
(She and Paolo walk a little way down the hall)
Rachel: Goodbye, baby.
Paolo: Ciao, bela.
(They kiss. Ross is watching them)
Ross: Do they wait for me to do this?
(Joey and Ross go into Monica and Rachel's apartment)
Joey: So are you gonna tell him?
Ross: Why would I tell him?
Joey: How about 'cause if you don't, his mother might.
Ross: Oh...
Monica: (Entering) What are you guys doing here?
Joey: Uhhhh.... he's not even wearing a jockstrap!
Monica: ...What did I ask?
[Scene: Hospital. Phoebe is there stroking Coma Guy's hair, when Monica enters with a bunch of balloons.]
Monica: Hi.
Phoebe: Hi.
Monica: What are you doing here?
Phoebe: Nothing, I just thought I'd stop by.. y'know, after the uh... that I.. y'know, so what are you doing here?
Monica: I'm not really here. Just thought I'd drop these off...on the way.. my way... Do you come here a lot? Without me?
Phoebe: No. (Monica brushes Coma Guy's hair in the other direction) No! No! ...So, um, do you think he's doing any better than he was this morning?
Monica: How would I know? I-I wasn't here.
Phoebe: Really? Not even to, um, change his PAJAMAS?! (Whips back the sheet to reveal him wearing new pajamas.)
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Ross is talking to Chandler. Joey is making a snack at the bar.]
Chandler: Oh my God.
Ross: You're my friend. I-I had to tell you.
Chandler: I can't believe it. Paolo kissed my mom?
Ross: Yeah, um, I don't know if you noticed, but he had a lot to drink, and you know how he gets when he's drun..uh... (He has caught sight of Joey scowling at him) I can't do this, I did it, it was me, I'm sorry, I kissed your mom.
Chandler: What?
Ross: I was really upset about Rachel and Paolo, and I think I had too much tequila, and Nora- um, Mrs. Mom- your Bing- was just being nice, y'know, and- But nothing happened, nothing- Ask Joey, Joey, uh, came in-
Chandler: (To Joey) You knew about this?
Joey: Uh... y'know, knowledge is a tricky thing.
Chandler: I spent the entire day with you, why didn't you tell me?!
Joey: Hey, hey, hey, you're lucky I caught them when I did, or else who knows what woulda happened.
Ross: Thanks, man, big help.
Chandler: (To Ross) I can't believe this! What the hell were you thinking?
Ross: I wasn't- I mean, I-
Chandler: Y'know, of all my friends, no-one knows the crap I go through with my mom more than you.
Ross: I know-
Chandler: I can't believe you did this. (Walks toward the door)
Ross: Chandler-
Joey: Me neither, y'know what-
Chandler: I'm still mad at you for not telling me.
Joey: What are you mad at me for?!
Ross: Chandler-
Chandler: You gotta let me slam the door! (Leaves; slams the door)
Joey: (Shouting after him) Chandler, I didn't kiss her, he did! (To Ross) See what happens when you break the code?
Ross: Joey-
Joey: Ah! (Points to door) Huh? (Leaves and slams the door)
[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there except for Chandler. Rachel is writing something and Monica walks up.]
Monica: Hey.
Rachel: Hey.
Monica: (Reading) 'A Woman Undone, by Rachel Karen Green'.
Rachel: Yeah. Thought I'd give it a shot. I'm still on the first chapter. Now, do you think his 'love stick can be liberated from its denim prison'?
Monica: (Reads) Yeah, I'd say so. And there's no 'j' in 'engorged'.
Phoebe: (Walks up with her guitar) Hey Rach.
Rachel: Hey.
Phoebe: Hello.
Monica: Hello.
Phoebe: Going to the hospital tonight?
Monica: No, you?
Phoebe: No, you?
Monica: You just asked me.
Phoebe: Okay, maybe it was a trick question. (Plays a few chords) Um, Rachel can we do this now?
Rachel: Okay. (Writes a little more) I am so hot!
Joey: (To Ross, on the couch) Now, here's a picture of my mother and father on their wedding day. Now you tell me she's not a knockout.
Ross: I cannot believe we're having this conversation.
Joey: C'mon! Just try to picture her not pregnant, that's all.
Rachel: (Into microphone) Central Perk is proud to present Miss Phoebe Buffay.
Phoebe: Thanks. Hi, um, 'kay. I'd like to start with a song that's about a man that I recently met, who's, um, come to be very important to me. (Monica gives her a look) 'Kay. (Sung:)
You don't have to be awake to be my man, As long as you have brainwaves I'll be there to hold your hand. Though we just met the other day, There's something I have got to say...
[SCENE_BREAK]
(She sees Monica sneaking out) Okay, thank you very much, I'm gonna take a short break! (Runs out, knocking over the mike stand)
Rachel: (Into mike) Okay, that was Phoebe Buffay, everybody. Woo!
(Enter Chandler)
Chandler: What was that?
Ross: Oh, uh, Phoebe just started a...
Chandler: Yeah, I believe I was talking to Joey, alright there, Mother-Kisser? (Goes to the counter)
Joey: (Laughing) Mother-Kisser... (Sees Ross's look) I'll shut up.
Ross: Chandler, can I just say something? I-I know you're still mad at me, I just wanna say that there were two people there that night. Okay? Two sets of lips.
Chandler: Yes, well, I expect this from her. Okay? She's always been a Freudian nightmare.
Ross: Okay, well, if she always behaves like this, why don't you say something?
Chandler: Because it's complicated, it's complex- Hey, you kissed my mom!
(People turn to look)
Ross: (To the rest of Central Perk) We're rehearsing a Greek play.
Chandler: That's very funny. We done now?
Ross: No! Okay, you mean, you're not gonna talk to her, you're not gonna tell her how you feel?
Chandler: That would be no. Look, just because you played tonsil tennis with my mom doesn't mean you know her. Alright? Trust me, you can't talk to her.
Ross: Okay, 'you' can't, or (Points to Chandler) you can't? (Chandler grabs his finger) Okay, that's my finger. (Chandler twists it and Ross goes down on one knee) That's, that's my knee. (To Central Perk) Still doing the play. Aaah!
[Scene: The Coma Guy's Room, Monica bursts in, closely followed by Phoebe. There is no sign of Coma Guy. His bed is empty.]
Phoebe: Alright, whadyou do with him?
(There is the sound of a flushing toilet and Coma Guy emerges from the bathroom)
Monica: Oh! You're awake!
Phoebe: Look at you! How, how do you feel?
Coma Guy: Uh, a little woozy, but basically okay.
Monica: You look good!
Coma Guy: I feel good! ...Who are you?
Monica: Oh, sorry.
Phoebe: I'm Phoebe Buffay.
Monica: I'm Monica Geller. I've been taking care of you.
Phoebe: Well, we both have.
Coma Guy: So, the Etch-a-Sketch is from you guys?
Phoebe: Well, actually it's just from me.
Monica: I got you the foot massager.
Phoebe: You know who shaved you? That was me.
Monica: I read to you.
Phoebe: I sang. (To Monica) Hah!
Coma Guy: Well,... thanks.
Monica: Oh, my pleasure.
Phoebe: You're welcome.
Coma Guy: So. I guess I'll see you around.
Phoebe: What, that's it?
Monica: "See you around?"
Coma Guy: Well, what do you want me to say?
Monica: Oh, I don't know. Maybe, um, "That was nice?" Admit something to me? "I'll call you?"
Coma Guy: Alright, I'll call you.
Phoebe: I don't think you mean that.
Monica: This is so typical. Y'know, we give, and we give, and we give. And then- we just get nothing back! And then one day, y'know, it's just, you wake up, and "See you around!" Let's go, Phoebe.
Phoebe: Y'know what? We thought you were different. But I guess it was just the coma.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's Chandler is talking with his mom.]
Mrs. Bing: Car's waiting downstairs, I just wanted to drop off these copies of my book for your friends. Anything you want from Lisbon?
Chandler: No, just knowing you're gonna be there is enough.
Mrs. Bing: Alright, well, be good, I love you. (Kisses him and goes to leave)
Chandler: You kissed my best Ross! ...Or something to that effect.
Mrs. Bing: (Reentering) O-kay. Look, it, it was stupid.
Chandler: Really stupid.
Mrs. Bing: Really stupid. And I don't even know how it happened. I'm sorry, honey, I promise it will never happen again. Are we okay now?
Chandler: Yeah. No. No...
[Cut to the hallway, Joey is listening to Chandler and his mom's conversation through the door as Ross walks up.]
Ross: Ah, the forbidden love of a man and his door.
Joey: Shh. He did it. He told her off, and not just about the kiss, about everything.
Ross: You're kidding.
Joey: No, no. He said "When are you gonna grow up and start being a mom?"
Ross: Wow!
Joey: Then she came back with "The question is, when are you gonna grow up and realise I have a bomb?"
Ross: 'Kay, wait a minute, are you sure she didn't say "When are you gonna grow up and realise I am your mom?"
Joey: That makes more sense.
Ross: So, what's going on now?
Joey: I dunno, I've been standing here spelling it out for you! (Goes back to the door) I don't hear anything. Oh, wait, wait, wait. (Looks through the spyhole)
Ross: Whaddya see?
Joey: Hard to tell, they're so tiny and upside-down. Wait, wait. They're walking away... they're walking away... No, no they're not, they're coming right at us! Run! Run!
(Joey runs off down the hall. Ross tries Monica and Rachel's apartment, but it is locked so he has to stand in the hall and pretend he wasn't listening. Chandler and his mom come out)
Mrs. Bing: You okay, kiddo?
Chandler: Yeah, okay.
Mrs. Bing: Alright. (Kisses him)
Chandler: Nice save.
(She walks down the hall)
Ross: (Very politely) Mrs. Bing.
Mrs. Bing: Mr. Geller.
(She leaves)
(Ross knocks on Monica and Rachel's door)
Chandler: Hey.
Ross: You mean that?
Chandler: Yeah, why not. (They shake hands) So I told her.
Ross: Yeah? How'd it go?
Chandler: Awful. Awful. Couldn'ta gone worse.
Ross: Well, howdya feel?
Chandler: Pretty good! I told her.
Ross: Well, see? So, maybe it wasn't such a bad idea, y'know, me kissing your mom, uh? Huh? (Wags his finger at Chandler, then puts it down) But.. we don't have to go down that road.
Closing Credits
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is handing out copies of her book to the gang.]
Rachel: Okay. Now this is just the first chapter, and I want your absolute honest opinion. Oh, oh, and on page two, he's not 'reaching for her heaving beasts'.
Monica: What's a 'niffle'?
Joey: You usually find them on the 'heaving beasts'.
Rachel: Alright, alright, so I'm not a great typist...
Ross: Wait, did you get to the part about his 'huge throbbing pens'? Tell ya, you don't wanna be around when he starts writing with those!
Rachel: Alright, that's it! Give it back! That's it!
All: Nooo! | Plan: A: Chandler; Q: Who confronts his mother about her behavior? A: Morgan Fairchild; Q: Who played Nora Bing? A: visits; Q: How often does Nora Bing visit Chandler? A: a restaurant; Q: Where does Ross kiss Nora? A: all the friends; Q: Who is with Nora Bing when Ross drinks too much? A: Ross; Q: Who tells Chandler that he kissed his mother? A: Rachel; Q: Who tries writing her own romance novel? A: Rachel and Paolo; Q: What two people is Ross upset about? A: sage advice; Q: What does Nora Bing offer to Ross? A: Chander; Q: Who does Joey tell Ross he has to tell about Ross kissing Nora? A: Monica; Q: Who shouts after the guy who is hit by a car? A: Phoebe; Q: Who is Monica's friend who sees a handsome guy in the street? A: an attractive guy; Q: What do Monica and Phoebe see in the street? A: a coma; Q: What is the condition of the guy who was hit by a car? Summary: Chandler's flamboyant romance-novelist mother, Nora Bing ( Morgan Fairchild ), visits. At a restaurant with her and all the friends, Ross upset over Rachel and Paolo, drinks too much. He is comforted by Nora, who offers sage advice though it leads to them kissing. Joey sees them and later says that Ross has to tell Chander. Monica and Phoebe see an attractive guy in the street; when Monica shouts after him, the guy turns and is hit by a car. While he is hospitalized in a coma, the girls take turns caring for him, then begin competing. When he wakes up, he blows them both off. Ross tells Chandler that he kissed his mother. Chandler is upset, but forgives him, and finally confronts his mother about her behavior and other issues. Rachel tries writing her own romance novel. |
THE ICE WARRIORS
by Brian Hayles first broadcast - 11th November 1967
[SCENE_BREAK]
1. IONISER CONTROL ROOM
(The Control Room is a circular room, with a ring of instruments set into four desks which face inwards, looking towards the COMPUTER. The COMPUTER contains a screen, and a keyboard, both of which are set into the circular outer. The computers around the outside of the room are patrolled by a group of people, mostly woman, who are reacting to an emergency. They are dressed in white tops, with random black designs on them, and black short skirts with black boots.)
BASE ANNOUNCER: This is a preliminary warning. Preliminary warning. Prepare phase one base evacuation procedure. Phase one evacuation.
COMPUTER: ...determine the extent of breakdown factor in ionisation...
(LEADER CLENT enters the room. He is middle aged, uses a stick for his right leg, and wears the same top as the other base members, but with the same randomly coloured pants. He talks to MISS GARRETT, a young woman, who wears a see-through apparatus on her head. She is sitting at one of the desks on the other side of the room.)
CLENT: Why has the ioniser been allowed to deteriorate to danger level?
GARRETT: There was a power stoppage. I've done all I can to boost it.
CLENT: Well it can't be allowed to fall any lower.
(He hobbles over to her.)
GARRETT: We still have time to evacuate.
CLENT: We will certainly not evacuate. We've beaten its tantrums before.
GARRETT: It's falling again.
CLENT: Well hold it... steady
GARRETT: I can't.
CLENT: Switch the stabilising circuits through to the computer.
GARRETT: I have, it's still not holding!
CLENT: All circuits, woman, all circuits!
GARRETT: We're nearly there.
CLENT: There's not enough power.
COMPUTER: (In background.) ...
GARRETT: It's slowing down.
CLENT: Maybe it'll hold there.
GARRETT: I doubt it.
CLENT: Well, at least it gives us time.
GARRETT: We need Scientist Penley.
CLENT: He is no longer a member of this post. You will make this machine work.
GARRETT: Yes, Leader Clent.
CLENT: That's better.
(GARRETT gets up from her seat and walks around to check the stations.)
GARRETT: Emergency evacuation phasing set?
CREW MEMBER: Yes.
GARRETT: Ioniser state fault check?
ANOTHER CREW MEMBER: Yes.
GARRETT: Reactor safety sequence in operation. Good.
CLENT: You'll make an organiser first class yet, Miss Garrett.
GARRETT: I only follow your example, Leader Clent.
(CLENT sits down at the COMPUTER.)
CLENT: What is the latest report from all other ioniser bases?
COMPUTER: All bases are in phase. America: glaciers held. Australasia: glaciers held. South Africa: glaciers held. Asia: some improvement claimed.
CLENT: They would!
COMPUTER: Britannicus Base, Europe: slipping out of phase. Glacial advance imminent.
(There is a grim, disappointed look on CLENT's face.)
GARRETT: If we fail, the whole program for glacier containment is in danger.
CLENT: I'm fully aware of that fact.
GARRETT: But in two hours, the ioniser will be useless.
(CLENT walks over to two screen, one showing the glacier advancing on the world, the other his base.)
CLENT: And then the glaciers will move again... 5000 years of history... crushed beneath a moving mountain of ice.
BASE ANNOUNCER: Phase two evacuation. Emergency. Phase two evacuation. Red state emergency. Red state emergency.
CLENT: Priority override.
GARRETT: Yes, of course. But Penley was the expert.
CLENT: I've had enough of experts. Their crazy ideas. Where's Arden?
GARRETT: Still at the ice face, completing the instrumentation project.
CLENT: (Urgently.) Well, hasn't he been warned?
GARRETT: We couldn't get through...
CLENT: Well we have to tell him, immediately! I cannot lose any more men!
(He races over to the communicator.)
CLENT: Leader Clent to Scientist Arden at glacier face, come in Arden!
[SCENE_BREAK]
2. GLACIER FACE
(Three men are examining a small alcove in the glacier face. All three are dressed in the same clothing as CLENT in the base, with metal helmets and goggles. ARDEN is around his thirties, with black hair. WALTERS is a portly man, also with black hair, and a face full of expression. DAVIS is the youngest, again with black hair.)
ARDEN: Walters, through here. Now clear that...
WALTERS: Sir. Get your drill ready, Davis.
(DAVIS prepares the drill. Meanwhile WALTERS is examining the ice face.)
WALTERS: Sir!
ARDEN: Yes?
WALTERS: Come quickly, Sir!
(ARDEN moves over to where WALTERS has seen something.)
WALTERS: I could swear there's something inside.
ARDEN: Oh, not another mastodon.
WALTERS: Well look for yourself, Sir.
(ARDEN wipes away the snow covering the ice. There appears to be some kind of helmet inside.)
ARDEN: Is it a man?
WALTERS: Perhaps it's an animal.
ARDEN: Well we'll soon find out. Davis, the heavy drill.
DAVIS: Yes Sir.
(DAVIS moves off to fetch it. WALTERS' wrist communicator makes a beeping sound.)
WALTERS: Base calling, Sir.
ARDEN: What do they want?
(Walters taps the screen which is filled with static.)
WALTERS: There's nothing coming through. Poor reception. I suppose they might...
ARDEN: (Interrupting.) They'll have to wait. This is more important. Come on Davis.
WALTERS: Well what are we going to do, Sir?
ARDEN: Do? Excavate. This could be a brilliant discovery.
WALTERS: But Sir - the computerised schedule! We must stick to that.
ARDEN: Oh, must we?
WALTERS: Leader Clent will be furious, Sir.
ARDEN: Well that's just too bad. For once we'll do something on our own account, eh?
WALTERS: There's not much base can do about it Sir, after all, we can't even ask permission, can we?
ARDEN: Come on Davis, hurry man!
(ARDEN wipes away more of the snow.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
3. IONISER CONTROL ROOM
(CLENT is still trying to contact ARDEN, but all that is on the screen is, like the wrist communicator, static.)
CLENT: Arden, for heavens sake man, come in! This is urgent!
(CLENT gives up and moves over to the main controls.)
GARRETT: ... again. ... is decreasing. Not far from total disintegration.
(There is a look of horror on CLENT's face.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
4. OUTSIDE THE BASE
(The TARDIS materialises outside the base, on a pile of snow, upside down, and on a lean. As it slides down the small hill, cries can be heard from inside. The slide stops, and the doors open. The DOCTOR sticks his head out.)
JAMIE: (Still inside.) Arrgh!
DOCTOR: What's the matter?
JAMIE: You're on my head!
(The DOCTOR falls back down into the TARDIS. He climbs out again, this time with JAMIE.)
JAMIE: Careful!
DOCTOR: Come on, Victoria. Give me your hand.
(He pulls her out, and all three are now halfway out the TARDIS. The conditions are freezing, and a wind blows them. JAMIE is wearing his usual attire, but the DOCTOR is wearing a big fur coat, and VICTORIA a fur trimmed cape. JAMIE rubs his head.)
DOCTOR: It was a blind landing.
JAMIE: Is that what you call it?
VICTORIA: Well no broken bones. Hey, look at the snow.
(There is a huge glacier in front of them, covered in snow.)
JAMIE: Oh no, not again! Tibet was bad enough, but I think you've put us down just further up the mountain!
DOCTOR: Well let's see, shall we? Very careful, I'm going to get out. It's quite a long drop.
(He hops out.)
DOCTOR: Come on Victoria, that's right.
(He helps her down. JAMIE gets out himself.)
VICTORIA: Hey, looks like a great big wall of ice. Look!
DOCTOR: (Staring into the distance, a look of horror on his face.) Ooohhh!!!
JAMIE: (Who is halfway out the TARDIS.) What is it?
DOCTOR: You're on my hand!
(JAMIE takes his knee off the DOCTOR's hand, which was resting on the TARDIS.)
VICTORIA: But Doctor, look.
DOCTOR: Yes, that's not ice, that's plastic.
(JAMIE hops down from the TARDIS.)
JAMIE: Yes and, see how smooth it is, and curved.
(JAMIE shuts the TARDIS doors.)
DOCTOR: It's a dome. A protective dome.
VICTORIA: It's so big. Can't see the end of it. Wonder what's inside.
(As the DOCTOR has been walking around the TARDIS he has come into view of a door into the dome. It begins to open, and he ducks out of the way. An alarm sounds. Two men exit through the door. STORR is bearded, and PENLEY with about a week's stubble. Both are dressed shabbily and still look quite young. They carry several boxes each.)
PENLEY: Don't worry, those alarms weren't meant for us. I wonder what's wrong, though.
STORR: (He has a thick Scottish accent.) Ach, that's their problem. Come on.
(The two men move off, and the DOCTOR and friends exit hiding. The DOCTOR changes his attention to the door they came out of, now shut. He feels for a join, and moves his hand over some kind of sensor device. The door opens, and the three cautiously enter. The door slowly shuts behind them.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
5. IONISER CONTROL ROOM
(GARRETT is working on the communications screen.)
GARRETT: Leader Clent! The video! Arden has made contact.
(CLENT rushes over to the machine.)
CLENT: Arden! Can you hear me?
ARDEN: Yes. What is it?
CLENT: You must return to base immediately.
ARDEN: Well don't panic. I've almost finished setting up the seismograph probe. Davis hurry up.
CLENT: Well... the ioniser's nearly at disintegration point.
ARDEN: Oooh, I wonder if Penley's ears are burning.
CLENT: (Exploding.) It's not a laughing matter, man! You know what it means.
ARDEN: Yes, cold weather ahead. I thought it felt a bit nippy.
CLENT: There'll be a full enquiry into your delay, you realise that.
ARDEN: Yes, and I've got a very good reason. A fantastic discovery, in the ice.
CLENT: Your task was to set up movement probes in the ice, not indulge in amateur archaeology.
ARDEN: This is a man!
CLENT: Well, congratulations. Makes a change from fossils. Now leave it and return.
ARDEN: I'm bringing the body back with me.
CLENT: Arden.
ARDEN: I'm sorry, I can't hear you. There seems to some interference.
(ARDEN moves his hand over the camera.)
CLENT: Arden!
(But all that can be heard is static.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
6. CORRIDORS OF BASE
(The DOCTOR, JAMIE and VICTORIA poke their heads around a corner, and once they have checked it, walk around. The corridors are ornate, 1800's like in their design.)
VICTORIA: Oh, Doctor, it's just like my home.
DOCTOR: I know!
JAMIE: ...
BASE ANNOUNCER: Red state emergency. Evacuation phase three. Phase three evacuate. Transport section leaders report now. Phase three evacuation.
DOCTOR: Something's wrong.
VICTORIA: Seems safe enough.
(The DOCTOR sees one of the base staff walking down the corridor towards them.)
DOCTOR: ...
JAMIE: ...
(She pins tags on the DOCTOR, JAMIE, and then VICTORIA.)
DOCTOR: Oh, thank you.
JAMIE: Thank you. Excuse me Miss, I'm Jamie McCrimmon, do you think you could tell us where we are?
(She walks off without a word.)
DOCTOR: She doesn't want to know, Jamie.
VICTORIA: Hey, this says we're on evacuation flight seven.
DOCTOR: Yes, rather inhospitable, we've only just arrived!
VICTORIA: Mmm.
(The DOCTOR leads them off down the corridor.)
JAMIE: Hey, and this tag, it says I'm a scavenger!
(He looks at the DOCTOR's tag.)
JAMIE: And yours does too! Hey, we're not beggars!
(The DOCTOR stops at a door.)
DOCTOR: Hush Jamie.
VICTORIA: What is it Doctor?
DOCTOR: Sounds like electronic machinery, like a computer. There's something wrong with it's pitch.
VICTORIA: Oh no. Now look, it might be dangerous, now let's leave it.
DOCTOR: No.
VICTORIA: Doctor.
DOCTOR: Let's go in.
(He opens the doors and enters the room. He walks right into the IONISER CONTROL ROOM, and right behind CLENT.)
DOCTOR: Oh, there's something very wrong here.
CLENT: (Not noticing him.) Now is ... still out of phase? ...Seven-two point four...
(CLENT walks around the room.)
DOCTOR: Seven-two point four? That's bad.
(The DOCTOR follows him.)
CLENT: Now balance those gauges, Miss Henry. 17 degrees out from normal.
DOCTOR: 17 degrees? Well this is serious!
(He follows CLENT again.)
CLENT: ...
GARRETT: ...
CLENT: One-three-seven-nine, now...
DOCTOR: One-three-seven-nine?
(He taps CLENT on the shoulder.)
DOCTOR: Excuse me, I...
(CLENT looks at him in confusion.)
CLENT: Who the blazes are you? (Shouting.) Get these scavengers out of here!
DOCTOR: We're not scavengers!
CLENT: Out of here!
(There are cries of disagreement from the DOCTOR, JAMIE and VICTORIA as they are pulled out of the room by security. The DOCTOR eventually pulls free.)
DOCTOR: No! In two minutes 38 seconds, you're going to have an almighty explosion! The readings say so!
CLENT: Well how do you possibly know that, I haven't even, I haven't even processed them through the computer yet!
DOCTOR: I don't need a computer!
GARRETT: If he's right it's already too late to escape!
DOCTOR: No it isn't, it doesn't have to happen, if you'll excuse me.
(He races around the computers, correcting them to avoid the explosion.)
CLENT: ...
DOCTOR: Cut out the reactor!
(He races to the next station.)
DOCTOR: ...
(To the next station.)
DOCTOR: ...
GARRETT: (From the previous station.) There's insufficient power for that.
DOCTOR: Well a quick short burst then from the reactor unit, now.
(GARRETT turns the knob for the power.)
DOCTOR: Off!
(She turns the knob back.)
DOCTOR: Now link the circuit, with the reactor link.
(She turns another knob.)
DOCTOR: Now, bring in the computer stabiliser.
(He wipes his brow with a cloth.)
DOCTOR: Yes, yes, that should hold it steady. (To CLENT.) It's a, it's not a perfect job, mind you. You ought to get an expert in, you know.
CLENT: How did you... It was all bluff, wasn't it, that two minutes 38 seconds to danger?
DOCTOR: Oh no, it was near enough correct, give or take a second.
CLENT: Rubbish.
DOCTOR: Check it on your precious computer, then.
CLENT: Miss Garrett, do so.
(He hands her his hand written notes. She reads them into the computer.)
GARRETT: Ioniser fall rate: seven-two point four, ion compensator: minus one-seven degrees, ion flow rate: one-three-seven-nine. Assessment please.
COMPUTER: Immediate emergency. In two minutes 37 seconds, the reactor will explode.
DOCTOR: (Innocently.) Well a second out. We... can't all be perfect.
GARRETT: We're at half power now, Leader Clent!
CLENT: Why even Penley couldn't have done better. Where on earth did you spring from?
(The DOCTOR begins to explain.)
CLENT: It doesn't matter, look...
(CLENT goes weak at the knees, and nearly collapses. GARRETT and another staff member run to his aid. CLENT puts his hand to his head.)
GARRETT: Are you alright?
CLENT: I'm sorry, I'm sorry, no no no no. It's nothing, it's just um, it's just an emergency ... and 10 hour duty spell.
GARRETT: The vibro-chair.
CLENT: Yes, you're right. (To the other person that helped him.) Um, contact the Medi-Control Centre the moment there's a further ... (To the DOCTOR.) We'll talk at the same time, come with me.
(He leaves the room. The DOCTOR says something under his breath to VICTORIA and JAMIE.)
JAMIE: Ask him where we are!
[SCENE_BREAK]
7. GLACIER FACE
(ARDEN and WALTERS are looking at the frozen humanoid. He is now in a huge block of ice that has been cut out of the cliff. He is huge, with a helmet, and body armour.)
ARDEN: A giant among prehistoric men.
WALTERS: See the kind of armour he's got on?
ARDEN: Yes, that's rather strange. He looks pre-Viking. But no such civilisation existed in prehistoric times before the first ice age.
WALTERS: Ha! Proper "Ice Warrior", isn't he, Sir? I reckon Leader Clent will be interested.
ARDEN: Yes. What'll the mighty computer make of it, eh?
WALTERS: Sir, hadn't we better get back while the weather still holds?
ARDEN: Good point Walters. Davis, try bringing the air-sled a little closer, will you?
(Watching behind a ridge in the glacier face a few meters away are the two men that exited the base earlier.)
STORR: What are they up to?
PENLEY: Arden's found something in the ice. Something to take back to Clent. It won't be appreciated.
STORR: Ar, they ought to leave way alone.
PENLEY: Arden was always a researcher. He wanted to be an archaeologist when I knew him.
STORR: Archaeology. What good's that?
PENLEY: It's good to know things, even when they're dead.
STORR: Nothing's sacred to you, is it?
PENLEY: I only ask questions, it's in my character I suppose.
STORR: Ar, you swore you'd give all that up.
PENLEY: Discovery's as exciting to me as the hunt is to you. But with Clent, he uses scientists' craniums as stepping stones for his ambitions.
STORR: Ar, that's about all you lot are fit for...
PENLEY: Well we're not totally useless, surely?
STORR: To me you are. Come on, we've got to move. Leave them to... stupid games.
(The two move off. They are faced with a barrage of snow. As they walk away they see DAVIS walking past. STORR puts an arm in front of PENLEY to stop him. They hide behind a divot in the glacier face. DAVIS walks close to them, then hears something. He looks up and sees an avalanche headed straight for him. Back where the experiments are being carried out, WALTERS has seen the avalanche, and warns ARDEN.)
WALTERS: Avalanche! Come on!
ARDEN: Where's Davis?
WALTERS: ...
(He pulls ARDEN into the alcove. Backs on the face, PENLEY tries to warn STORR.)
PENLEY: Storr! Come on! Avalanche!
(DAVIS fails to react, and is swept off the glacier. PENLEY is alright, and finds the battered STORR.)
PENLEY: Storr, are you alright?
STORR: (Dazed.) Penley...
PENLEY: What's the damage?
(He cries as he feels his arm.)
STORR: My arm. It's gone I think.
PENLEY: Broken?
STORR: Feels like it.
PENLEY: Well you're lucky. There's one down there who's staying on the mountain for good.
STORR: They'll... they'll come looking for him. We must move out a bit. Unless you fancy trying to turn me over to your friends.
PENLEY: Six weeks ago they were my friends, but not anymore. Can you walk?
STORR: Aye. Just you try and keep up. Come on.
(The pair walk off. Meanwhile, over with ARDEN and WALTERS they discuss the fate of DAVIS.)
WALTERS: All clear, Sir.
ARDEN: Yes, but how 'bout Davis?
WALTERS: I'll go look for him.
ARDEN: Well let's hope he's safe. With another man gone, Clent'll skin me alive.
WALTERS: Well if he gets too difficult, you can always set your warrior on him, eh Sir?
(WALTERS laughs.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
8. MEDI-CONTROL CENTER
(CLENT is recovering on his vibro-chair, and is discussing matters with the DOCTOR, VICTORIA, JAMIE and GARRETT. The room, like others in the base, is part of the old house. Computers and video screens pepper it, but old paintings and bookshelves remain on the wall.)
CLENT: But you've no valid proof of your qualifications?
DOCTOR: Look, aren't we wasting time?
(He takes off his jacket.)
DOCTOR: If you want our help, why not tell us all about it?
CLENT: All about it? All about what? Where have you been all these years?
DOCTOR: (Blustering his way out of it.) Well, er, as a matter of fact, we've, we've been in retreat. In, in Tibet. We are sanctifiers.
CLENT: Oh, I see. In Tibet. Well if you'll take a simple test, I'll soon know if you're up to our scientific standards.
DOCTOR: I see, and er, if I fail?
CLENT: You'll be evacuated with the other scavengers in due course.
JAMIE: Oh, where to?
GARRETT: The African rehabilitation centres, of course.
VICTORIA: Oh no, not Africa.
DOCTOR: Very well, fire away.
CLENT: I present you a problem.
DOCTOR: Yes.
CLENT: All the major continents are threatened with destruction, under the glaciers of the second ice age.
DOCTOR: Oh.
CLENT: How would you halt the ice surge, and turn the climate back to normal? 45 seconds, starting from... now.
(The DOCTOR looks outraged with the question. GARRETT sets the clock going on CLENT's word. JAMIE and VICTORIA exchange worried glances.)
DOCTOR: Oh, er, ahem, er, possible causes, er, the reversal of the magnetic field.
CLENT: No such change has occurred.
DOCTOR: Um, interstellar clouds, er, obscuring the suns rays.
(CLENT shakes his head.)
DOCTOR: An excessive burst of sunspot activity.
(CLENT shakes his head again.)
DOCTOR: A severe shift of the Earth's angle of rotation.
(CLENT shakes his head. The clock shows 24, then 25 seconds.)
VICTORIA: Come on Doctor.
DOCTOR: There aren't that many alternatives. Gigantic heat loss, eh? Er.
CLENT: I asked for an answer, not a question. Twelve seconds left.
DOCTOR: Oh. Er. Oh well. Ahem. In that case the answer's simple. A severe drop in the carbon dioxide level in the Earth's lower atmosphere. Is that it?
(He looks up at the timer, which ticks over to 45.)
DOCTOR: I would use ionisation.
(There is a ding from the timer.)
JAMIE: Well, is he right?
(CLENT gets up from the vibro-chair.)
CLENT: Yes, he is.
(VICTORIA sighs her relief.)
VICTORIA: But I still don't understand.
DOCTOR: Well the carbon dioxide level in the Earth's atmosphere helps retain the suns heat. Take that gas away, and there's a sudden freeze up.
JAMIE: Oh, where does the gas go to?
DOCTOR: Well ...
CLENT: (Interrupting.) You know how efficient our civilisation is, thanks to the direction of the great world computer. And you also know how we conquered the problem of world famine a century ago by artificial food. On the land that was once used to grow the food we needed, we built up-to-date living units, to house the ever-increasing population.
(CLENT dials up a type of food on the computer in the room, and retrieves it from the bottom of the machine.)
DOCTOR: Up to date? (Indicating the current surrounding.)
CLENT: Well there were exceptions, of course. I mean this house was classified as being historic interest. So, the amount of growing plants on the planet, was reduced to an absolute minimum.
DOCTOR: No plants, no carbon dioxide.
CLENT: Then suddenly, one year, there was no spring.
(The DOCTOR, JAMIE and VICTORIA look sad.)
CLENT: Even then it wasn't understood. Not until the ice-caps began to advance.
JAMIE: Er, but er, what's this ioniser?
CLENT: Um, Miss Garrett.
GARRETT: Ionisation is a method of intensifying the suns heat onto the Earth, but into particular areas.
DOCTOR: Yeah, it's like a magnifying glass, Jamie.
JAMIE: Oh, aye.
VICTORIA: You mean you can melt glaciers and change the weather?
CLENT: Um, when certain difficulties are overcome.
GARRETT: Precise control is not easy.
CLENT: We can't afford to make mistakes. Ionisation can produce temperatures intense enough to melt rock.
GARRETT: Only by maintaining a perfect balance can we prevent widespread flooding.
DOCTOR: Can't your computers solve the problem of control?
GARRETT: Of course they can!
DOCTOR: Well?
GARRETT: When the input data is complete they will give us the solution.
DOCTOR: Oh, I see. And when will that be?
GARRETT: Soon Doctor, soon.
DOCTOR: What's the position now?
(CLENT points to a screen.)
CLENT: Well we're barely holding the glacier in check. Now there you see a world map of the situation at the moment.
(CLENT changes the display to another map.)
CLENT: And there you see what's, erm, going on in our sector. But if we fail, then not only will Europe be swallowed up, but the balance of power will be ruined, and the whole world program will, will go under.
DOCTOR: And the glaciers will win.
CLENT: My senior scientist Penley, is missing. I think you have the capabilities to join us here. This great mission. Will you help us?
DOCTOR: Well I, I'm willing to try.
CLENT: Jolly good. Jolly good. Er, Miss Garrett will give you some background information. You've worked with computers, I presume?
DOCTOR: Er, only when I have to.
GARRETT: Well Miss Garrett is our computer specialist, she'll help you.
DOCTOR: Oh, I'll try and remember that.
GARRETT: Here we are completely computerised.
DOCTOR: (He sympathises.) Oh never mind.
GARRETT: Every decision is checked, to eliminate risk of failure. Because of course, all decisions, all actions, must conform to the common good.
(The DOCTOR looks unimpressed.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
9. CORRIDORS OF BASE
(ARDEN is leading a group of men who are carrying the warrior, who is still encased in a block of ice, to show to CLENT.)
ARDEN: This way, gentlemen, this way. Right.
(He neatens up his appearance, in preparation to impress CLENT.)
ARDEN: Now do be careful. 'Round here. Steady with her.
[SCENE_BREAK]
10. MEDI-CONTROL CENTER
(CLENT is now lying on his vibro-chair again. ARDEN enters the room...)
CLENT: Is this... your full co-operation, Arden? How do you expect us to carry out this...
(He sees what is being taken into the room.)
CLENT: Great heavens.
ARDEN: Yes, I thought you'd be impressed Clent. Right chaps, lets have him over here...
(Everyone rushes over to see the discovery.)
ARDEN: This way, this way...
VICTORIA: What is it?
JAMIE: It looks like a Viking warrior. Look at the helmet.
DOCTOR: Frozen for centuries in the ice. Perfectly preserved. Hm, that's odd though.
ARDEN: What? Who are you?
CLENT: An addition to our staff, Arden. What's odd Doctor?
DOCTOR: Well the helmet, it's wrong. When this man was frozen to death only primitive cavemen existed.
ARDEN: Well I say it's an undiscovered civilisation. Think of the implications!
CLENT: Well whatever the implications, it must still take second place to out ioniser project. We have our daily planning conference in three minutes fifteen seconds, exactly.
(He starts to walk off.)
CLENT: Come along Arden! Play with your toy after the meeting.
(CLENT, GARRETT and ARDEN move off, while the DOCTOR closely examines the warrior.)
JAMIE: Well, what's supposed to happen, Doctor?
DOCTOR: You see this fellow Arden has set the electricity so that the ice melts very slowly, allowing for the resistance.
VICTORIA: It's working quite quickly.
DOCTOR: Well, I suspect there are some impurities in the ice. I say.
(He has noticed something on the warriors head.)
DOCTOR: Look at that.
JAMIE: What is it?
DOCTOR: It's an electronic connection. I'm sure of it.
VICTORIA: It can't be.
DOCTOR: Now you wait here, and, and don't touch anything.
(He races off. A sheet comes down dividing the room and cutting off VICTORIA and JAMIE from the warrior.)
JAMIE: What's got into him all of a sudden?
VICTORIA: I don't know. Scientists are all alike, eureka and all that.
JAMIE: Aye. Could do with a go on this, maybe.
(He climbs onto the vibro-chair and lies down. Out of view of the duo, the ice continues to drop off the warrior at a rapid rate.)
JAMIE: Er, Victoria.
VICTORIA: What?
JAMIE: You see how those lassies were dressed?
VICTORIA: Yes I did. And trust you to think of something like that.
JAMIE: What? Couldn't help thinking about it.
VICTORIA: Well I think it's disgusting, wearing that kind of thing.
JAMIE: (Mocking.) Oh, aye, so it is, so it is. You er, you don't see yourself dressed like that then?
VICTORIA: Jamie!
JAMIE: Oh, I'm sorry, it was just an idea.
VICTORIA: We will now change the subject, please. I want to look at this man.
(Behind the cover, the warrior is now completely unfrozen. Somehow it has returned to life, It flexes its hand, and moves its head towards the approaching VICTORIA.) | Plan: A: a base; Q: Where are the Doctor, Jamie and Victoria brought to? Summary: The Doctor, Jamie and Victoria are brought to a base which is attempting to halt the flow of the Second Ice Age. |
(OPEN in Luke's diner, morning. The place is busy but not too much. Kirk is sitting at a table. Suddenly he gets up, goes behind the counter, gets the coffee pot goes back to his table fills up his cup and then goes behind the counter again to put the coffee pot in it's place. Luke watches him.)
LUKE: What in the hell do you think you're doing?
KIRK: I was just getting some coffee.
LUKE: You came behind my counter.
KIRK: I saw Lorelai do it the other day.
LUKE: Lorelai is my fiance.
KIRK: So only people you're sleeping with are allowed to go behind the counter?
LUKE: Yes.
KIRK: Well...I don't really know you that well, Luke. I mean, I know what you do for a living, and I know you're a Scorpio, and you smell OK, but we've never really connected on a deeper level...
LUKE: Get out from behind my counter, Kirk.
KIRK: Well, now it's a definite "no". (goes back to his table as Lorelai and Rory enter the diner holding some bags)
LORELAI: Oh, my God. Look who's back.
RORY: Well, I believe it's those adorable Gilmore Girls.
LORELAI: My, how we have missed them.
RORY: I hear they're different now. (Luke comes up to them) A little sad.
LORELAI: A little broke.
LUKE: Don't you two believe in jet lag?
LORELAI: No way. We're still flying on the Atlantic City buzz. Hey, (they kiss) handsome. Were you bad while I was gone?
LUKE: I was. I went to bed every night at 10:15.
LORELAI: Grandpa! what am I gonna do with you?
RORY: Hey, Luke. (they hug)
LUKE: Hey, Rory. (they all start walking over to a table to sit)
LORELAI: We, on the other hand, have not been to bed at all since we left.
RORY: We did fall over once, though.
LUKE: Did you have a good trip?
RORY: I believe it was the best belated 21st-birthday party on record. (they sit, and Lorelai sips some coffee, that the Asian looking waiter who's always in the background brought over)
LORELAI: What's different?
RORY: No kalua.
LORELAI: Oh, right. Which reminds me. (to Luke) Sorry about all the drunken late-night phone calls.
LUKE: What drunken late-night phone calls?
LORELAI: Uh, so, um, do you want to hear about all the things we can tell you about our trip?
LUKE: I'm not sure.
LORELAI: OK, well first of all, video poker is my calling. (Luke goes over to sit on one of the chairs at the girls? table) I think I'm totally gonna dedicate my life to it. Especially the third machine in the second row of machines as you hit the entrance of Trump Taj Mahal.
RORY: I'm more of a roulette girl myself.
LORELAI: And we did the whole thing up right, you know. We did the martinis at the blackjack table.
RORY: And we pretended I was turning 21 while we were playing 21.
LORELAI: And we actually won and bought our 21 items.
RORY: Shot glasses, glow-in-the-dark coasters, salt and pepper shakers, pasties.
LORELAI: Oh, and look. (gets out a piece of paper and hands it over to Luke)
LUKE: What's that?
RORY: 21 guys' phone numbers.
LORELAI: I must say I'm pretty proud of how quickly we got them and also of the fact that no one questioned us when we said our names were Wendy and Lisa.
LUKE: Uh, huh. So, tell me, how was Paul Anka, the person, not the dog?
LORELAI: We didn't get to see him.
LUKE: Why not? It's all you talked about.
RORY: The billboard was old and his show had actually closed a week before we got there.
LUKE: So, who'd you end up seeing?
LORELAI: Well, it came down to Journey without their original lead singer, INXS without their original lead singer, Queen without their original lead singer, the Supremes without Diana, and, weirdly, the James Brown band without James Brown.
RORY: But we wound up seeing Tony Danza, who was sublime.
LORELAI: Oh, the tap dancing.
RORY: Why "Taxi" never utilized his musical-comedy skills is astonishing.
LUKE: Sounds great.
LORELAI: Oh, and we snagged you a Paul Anka T-shirt. (gets the T-shirt out to show Luke)
RORY: Had some left over.
LORELAI: (in a fake seductive tone) Wear it tonight.
LUKE: (takes the T-shirt) OK. I'm making you burgers. (about to get up)
LORELAI: Wait, wait. You haven't seen the best part yet.
LUKE: What?
RORY: Oh! We were walking...
LORELAI: Well, sort of walking, sort of drunk girls in high heels stumbling.
RORY: ...down the street, and we see this guy.
LORELAI: And, Luke, my hand to God, it's you. (Luke seems surprised)
RORY: It's totally you. Luke 2.0.
LORELAI: We came face-to-face with your doppelganger, my friend.
RORY: So we followed him.
LORELAI: Yeah, 'cause we had to. And he went into this nightclub, so we followed him.
RORY: 'Cause we're now stalkers obsessed with getting his picture.
LORELAI: So we follow him through this kinda grungy place. And he goes backstage.
RORY: 'Cause he's in the biz.
LORELAI: Yeah. So we sneak behind the curtain, and we track him down. And we told him all about you, and then I showed him your picture, and he totally freaked out.
RORY: Wait I got it. (takes a picture out of a bag and hands it to Luke. He takes it and looks at it)
LORELAI: Luke, I want you to meet Derek McKinney, your twin separated at birth.
LUKE: (shows them the picture) This is a man dressed like Dolly Parton.
RORY: You should hear him do "Jolene". Amazing.
LUKE: You think I look like a guy dressed as Dolly Parton?
LORELAI: No, I mean a little less with the makeup, but check out the chins. (start pointing from Luke to the picture)
LUKE: I'm gonna get your burgers. (gets up and goes to the kitchen)
LORELAI: He missed us.
RORY: Definitely.
(OPENING CREDITS)
(CUT to outside Lorelai's house, morning. Rory is waiting in front of her car, which is full of her stuff)
RORY: Mom, I got to go!
LORELAI: (comes out of the house and runs over to Rory holding a paper bag) Hold on. Wait. I'm coming. Here's sustenance for the road.
RORY: For the very long thirty-minute drive back to school? (takes the bag and walks over to the car) Thank god. I don't think I would have made it. (opens the car door to put the bag in)
LORELAI: Do you have everything?
RORY: I think so. (gasps) Oh, no! (starts to throe out of the car a bunch of boxes)
LORELAI: What? What are you doing? Why do you hate the boxes?
RORY: Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! (takes out her Community Service vest) I accidentally forgot to turn in my community-service vest.
LORELAI: So?
RORY: So? This vest belongs to the state. I have now stolen state property. They're gonna give me community service for stealing my community-service vest.
LORELAI: OK freaky link. Hand me the vest. I will personally deliver it to the state. OK? What's next on your agenda?
RORY: I'm just gonna head straight over to Paris' apartment.
LORELAI: I can't believe you're gonna live with Paris again...again.
RORY: Hey, she's got an empty room, and the price is right. And all the housing on campus is taken, so it's that or a cardboard box.
LORELAI: OK, but how big a cardboard box?
RORY: After I dump my stuff at Paris's, I have to hit campus. I still have some class begging to do. I have to add two courses to my schedule if I'm gonna make up all the work I've missed this year.
LORELAI: You don't have to make up everything right away.
RORY: I do if I want to graduate the same time I would have before the detour. Anyway, I have tons of books to buy. I have a meeting with the Dean. Oh, and, of course, I have a meeting with the school psychologist.
LORELAI: Oh, uh. Back up. I'm sorry. You... A meeting with who?
RORY: I told you about this.
LORELAI: No, you did not.
RORY: Every student who unexpectedly takes time off and wants to come back has to have a one-time meeting with the school psychologist.
LORELAI: You did not tell me this.
RORY: I did too.
LORELAI: No you did not, because I would have remembered if you told me you had to have your head shrunk.
RORY: It's just a formality. They just want to make sure I'm stable and that everything's cool.
LORELAI: I can't believe you're going to a therapist. You know they're totally gonna ask you about me.
RORY: What?
LORELAI: They always want to ask about your mother. It's OK. Say whatever you want. But make sure you start with, "My mother's very hot"...
RORY: Yes, that won't seem at all disturbing to the doctor. I have to get going. (picks up the boxes she threw out and puts them back in the car)
LORELAI: I don't want you to go.
RORY: Mum!
LORELAI: No! You just got here.
RORY: But you're gonna come see me in three days.
LORELAI: I know, but with our stupid fight, I got cheated this year. (they start walking over to the drivers door)
RORY: I know. Me too.
LORELAI: OK. (they hug) All right. That's enough affection for you. Paul Anka, come say goodbye.
RORY: I haven't seen him all morning.
LORELAI: Paul Anka! Oh, well, I guess he doesn't like you better than me.
RORY: A fickle pooch, that one.
LORELAI: Well, he knows who pours the kibble. (points to herself)
RORY: Well say goodbye to him for me, and I'll call you tonight.
LORELAI: OK. Bye. (they kiss goodbye and Lorelai notices something in the car) Hey!
RORY: What? (turns around to look. It's PA) He does like me better!
LORELAI: Oh, you put bacon in your laundry.
RORY: Paul Anka likes me better. Paul Anka likes me better.
LORELAI: First Tony Danza tosses you the corsage, and now this. (Rory opens the car door, and PA comes out) Get out here, you. Yeah. That's right. Avoid my glance there, buddy.
RORY: It's the sugar-on-the-toe thing. A dog never forgets his first sugar toe.
LORELAI: I thought you had a million things to do today.
RORY: Hmm. Suddenly not so sad to see me go, huh?
LORELAI: What? No. Don't be a stranger. Bye-bye. (start to sorta push her in the car)
RORY: Bye, Paul Anka. If you squint really hard, she kind of looks like me.
LORELAI: Take off, lady. (Rory gets in the car and starts to drive away. Lorelai waves and PA gets up starts barking and following the car as Rory drives off) Hey, Judas, get back here right now! (runs after PA)
(CUT to Luke's diner, morning. Lane is walking around serving coffee. Lorelai and Sookie are sitting at a table and have some paper, magazines and brochures in front of them)
SOOKIE: So, what are your initial thoughts about your wedding?
LORELAI: Well...it should be legal.
SOOKIE: Good. OK. And after that?
LORELAI: After that, I'm out.
SOOKIE: Oh! How about a hometown wedding? Town square, ceremony in the gazebo.
LORELAI: Gaze-blah.
SOOKIE: OK. Boring. I got it. How about a church wedding?
LORELAI: Maybe.
SOOKIE: Ooh, a beach wedding, huh? No shoes, Luke can wear shorts.
LORELAI: No. But I want to be with you when you pitch the shorts idea to Luke.
SOOKIE: OK, no consensus on the locale. Let's move on to the dress.
LORELAI: OK
SOOKIE: Any thoughts?
LORELAI: There should be one.
SOOKIE: OK. Doing great here. (Luke comes up to their table)
LUKE: Um, are you gonna eat that cake?
LORELAI: Why, you want it?
LUKE: Well, it's just sitting there. It doesn't look like you're gonna eat it.
LORELAI: Oh, my god. You want our table don't you?
LUKE: Yeah, we're swamped.
LORELAI: Luke, I'm your fiance. That doesn't buy me a little extra table time?
LUKE: You've been sitting there for two hours.
LORELAI: We're planning our wedding.
LUKE: Well, plan it at the counter.
LORELAI: You want a counter-planned wedding, seriously?
LUKE: (calling back at the kitchen) Coming right up. (back at Lorelai) Forget I said anything.
LORELAI: Yeah. (Luke walks away)
SOOKIE: (looking at a magazine) Hey, that's a pretty dress.
LORELAI: Hum...Maybe. It's very white.
SOOKIE: You don't want to wear white?
LORELAI: Uh, maybe. I'm not sure. (Luke comes back up to the table)
LUKE: Of course you're gonna wear white. Brides wear white. That's the rule.
LORELAI: Says who?
LUKE: Well, uh, you have to wear white. My mother wore white. Her mother wore white.
SOOKIE: Luke, Luke, Luke, Luke, Luke! Do you know who I am?
LUKE: Of course I know who you are.
SOOKIE: Who am I, Luke?
LUKE: You're Sookie.
SOOKIE: No, Luke. I'm not "Sookie." I'm "Sookie B-F-O-T-B".
LUKE: What?
SOOKIE: Best Friend Of The Bride. It is my responsibility to help plan this event. To talk through all the details, to taste the cake and pick the invitations, and to keep you, the fiance of the bride, from having to pretend to be interested in things that he has no interest in.
LUKE: I have an int...!
SOOKIE: No you don't!
LUKE: I have an interest!
SOOKIE: B-F-O-T-B.
LUKE: But I'm not...!
SOOKIE: AaaHhh!
LANE: Luke, your turkey melt is up.
SOOKIE: Oh! Luke, your turkey melt's up.
LUKE: Fine. (walks away)
LANE: Refills?
LORELAI: Yes. See, I can make decisions. (Lane starts to our coffee)
LANE: What's all this?
SOOKIE: We are planning a wedding.
LANE: Oh, super. Well, at least there'll be cake. (walks away)
LORELAI: Well, it's nice that my outlook on life is sunnier than a 21-year-old'S.
SOOKIE: OK, let's start with something simple. A date for the wedding.
LORELAI: OK, that does sound simple.
SOOKIE: Now, some people have mentioned some conflicts, and I think we should take those into consideration.
LORELAI: OK
SOOKIE: Miss Patty is going to be in Baja the first two weeks in April. And Babette said the last two weeks in April are bad because her cat's expecting kittens.
LORELAI: That little tramp.
SOOKIE: Michel's bad every Saturday from now until February, because he signed up for his booty boot camp again. Kirk has no conflicts, but Lulu is going to Florida sometime between May 15th and June 1st. (Luke overhearing comes back up to their table)
LUKE: Yes...who's Lulu?
LORELAI: Kirk's girlfriend.
LUKE: Yeah, we're not moving wedding plans around for people whose last names I don't even know.
SOOKIE: Luke!
LUKE: WHAT!?
SOOKIE: Who am I?
LUKE: Aw, geez. (walks away)
(CUT to outside Paris and Doyle's apartment. Paris and Rory, who is carrying some bags, come up the staircase as Paris is giving her a tour)
PARIS: Apartment 5 is Mrs.Holiday. She steals mail. Apartment 6 is the chilli cheese boys. Take the description at face value. I don't know who's in apartment 7 because meeting 5 and 6 was enough "it takes a village" for me. Here we are, apartment 8. (walks to the apartment door)
RORY: 8 is great. (follows Paris)
PARIS: OK, now, you have to unlock the middle bolt first...the bottom bolt second...the top lock third...the bottom lock fourth. You got to kick the door twice. And that's it. (explains while demonstrating)
RORY: Wow, you really have to earn it, huh?
PARIS: It's just a precaution. It isn't really necessary. This neighborhood is only as scary as you make it. Those guys downstairs, they just look deadly. Believe me, they don't bother you if you don't bother them. When you have guests over, just tell them they're a Doo-Wop group.
(CUT to inside apartment, continuous. The girls enter)
PARIS: We keep the door fully locked, (starts locking the door) even when we're home. We actually added the chains after there were a couple of break-ins on the street, but we've never had any trouble. We've actually got a very sophisticated crime-prevention system set up here. When we leave, we always keep the radio on, rush Limbaugh of course, so they know we have guns in the house. The lights are all on a timer, so don't touch the switches, and there's a motion detector in the hallway, so don't freak out when it goes on at night. Now, over here is our trusty dog, Bloodhound. (presses play on a tape recorder and we hear barking) Excellent for magazine pushers and pamphlet bearers of all types.
RORY: You've got it all covered.
PARIS: Pretty much. That's our room. That's your room. They're both the same size, but we have an extra window 'cause Doyle has dreams about walls collapsing in on him, so he needs to sleep near glass. (a loud noise startles Rory)
RORY: Oh, my god! Were those gunshots?
PARIS: No, that was just a car backfiring. The real gunfire actually sounds fake. You'll pick it up eventually. They call it "ghetto ear."
RORY: Something to look forward to.
PARIS: Now, Doyle sleeps very deeply, so don't worry about the hours. I, as you know, haven't slept through the night since the first time I saw "The Wizard Of Oz", thank you Mum, so I tend to do my crafts in the middle of the night, but the walls are very thick. You won't hear a thing. Oh, now, the hot water in the bathroom...(Doyle comes out of their room and starts to attack Paris throwing her on the floor)
DOYLE: AAAAAHHHH! (they wrestle a bit rolling around on the floor as Rory observes a bit stunned. Doyle eventually pins Paris down) Aha! You let your guard down, Geller, and I did it. I got the best of you.
PARIS: I was giving a tour!
DOYLE: Admit your defeat!
PARIS: Never. Rematch.
DOYLE: Challenge accepted. (releases her and they both get up)
PARIS: Helmets on.
RORY: What are you doing? What's going on? (Paris and Doyle start getting some protection wear out of a trunk and start to put them on)
PARIS: When we moved into the neighbourhood, we thought it would be good to take some self-defence classes.
DOYLE: Krav Maga, official self-defence, hand-to-hand combat style of Israel.
RORY: Oh.
DOYLE: Krav Maga is not about being a tough guy or fighting in a ring. It's about going home alive, no matter what.
PARIS: And it's the rush. (now both in full gear)
DOYLE: Pads on.
PARIS: Attack on 3. 1...2... (they start to fight)
RORY: OK, I'm gonna go get the rest of my stuff, so I'm just gonna...(as they fight Paris gets Doyle in a headlock)
DOYLE: Ugh! Steinbeck! Steinbeck!
PARIS: That's not your safety word.
DOYLE: (with a manoeuvre pins Paris down again) I know. It's "Saroyan".
PARIS: You've been practicing behind my back. I love you. (Rory exits)
(CUT to outside, morning. Lorelai and Sookie are walking down a street and they seem to be looking for something. Sookie is holding apiece of paper with an address written on it and Lorelai has a cup of take out coffee)
SOOKIE: 3418. 3418. Did we pass 3418?
LORELAI: Boy, this is some weak coffee.
SOOKIE: Maybe I wrote it down wrong. "Across the street from a butcher". Or a "barber". Or a "Barbara". "Across the street from a Barbara". Ooh, I wonder if it's a famous Barbara, like Streisand or Mandrell.
LORELAI: OK, I give. (throws the coffee away)
SOOKIE: Oh, I think we passed it. This was supposed to be the best place to find wedding invitations, and now we've passed it!
LORELAI: And since we passed it, it's just vanished from the face of the earth, never to be seen again. Here. Let me see the paper. (takes the paper from Sookie and reads) Oh, yeah, we passed it.
SOOKIE: Of course we have.
LORELAI: And we're on the wrong side of the street.
SOOKIE: Of course we are. (notices something - a bridal store) Ooh! Look, look.
LORELAI: What? Aw geez!
SOOKIE: Let's go in. (they walk up to the store window)
LORELAI: Why?
SOOKIE: To look at dresses!
LORELAI: Oh, Sookie, I don't even know what kind of dress I want. I may even make my own dress.
SOOKIE: So what? We can just go in and look around.
LORELAI: They're gonna look at us funny.
SOOKIE: What are you talking about? (sing songy voice) You have the golden ticket (points at the ring)
LORELAI: (holding up her left hand) I do, don't I?
SOOKIE: (sing songy voice and bouncing up and down) You have the golden ticket on your hand
LORELAI: Alright, alright. You're gonna stop singing when we go inside, right? Otherwise, they really will look at us funny. (they enter the store)
(CUT to inside store, continuous. The women enter)
LORELAI: Wow. There's a lot of white.
SOOKIE: (picks up a ugly dress from a rank) Ooh! Try this on. I dare you.
LORELAI: I think this is the one Divine turned down for being too over-the-top. (Sookie puts the dress back) Are we allowed to touch these?
SOOKIE: I don't know. Do you see anyone here?
LORELAI: No (looks around the store and notices something)
SOOKIE: Maybe they're in back. Maybe they've been taken hostage by the tulle. (Lorelai start walking towards a dummy dressed in a wedding dress) Where are you going? (Sookie follows) What are you doing?
LORELAI: Look.
SOOKIE: Pretty.
LORELAI: Not pretty. It's perfect. It's the perfect dress.
SOOKIE: Really? You think?
LORELAI: I don't believe it. I just turned around, and there it is, the perfect dress.
SOOKIE: It's your size.
LORELAI: The perfect dress is my size. That is weird. (looking around, while Sookie examines the dress) Does anyone work here? (calling out) Hello! Does anyone work here?!
SOOKIE: Oh, my God.
LORELAI: What?
SOOKIE: It's on sale. (the girls looks excited and gasp a bit)
LORELAI: It's the perfect dress. That's it. I'm trying it on. (Sookie squeals, and they both giggle) Oh my God, look at this. (at the dress) Don't get the wrong idea. I'm not looking for anything serious.
(CUT to Kim's antiques, evening. Mrs.Kim is fussing with some merchandise as Lane comes in)
Mrs.KIM: Look. Woman come in here. Tell me this is full set of 1950s milk glass. Does she think my mother dropped me on my head when I'm a baby? I know Nigella Lawson when I see it.
LANE: I'm going upstairs. (starts to move towards the staircase)
Mrs.KIM: Wait. Talk. How was work?
LANE: I handed people food for six and a half hours. It's every little girl's dream.
Mrs.KIM: I'm making kimchi dumplings tonight.
LANE: I smell like burgers and fries, so I'll have to shower.
Mrs.KIM: OK
LANE: which means I won't be ready for dinner for at least 45 minutes.
Mrs.KIM: Fine. I need to make the dumplings. Dumpling don't make themselves.
LANE: And you might want to put on your Korean television show. Because I'm gonna listen to music, and it's going to be music that you don't approve of. But I'm 21 now, so I'll listen to the music I like when I like, and that's just the way it's gonna be. (Lane goes upstairs as Mrs.Kim breathes deeply and looks concerned)
(CUT to Yale, evening. A professor comes out of her office. Rory tries to catch up with her)
RORY: Professor Jolene! Professor Jolene!
Prof.JOLENE: Sorry. I'm in a bit of a hurry.
RORY: That's OK. Don't slow down. I'll catch up. (runs up to her) Hi. Rory Gilmore. (they talk as they walk)
Prof.JOLENE: Nice to meet you, Rory.
RORY: And you. Really! I'm actually hoping to get a spot in your class. It was full by the time I got my name in, not that my delay in registering should be taken as lack of enthusiasm.
Prof.JOLENE: Apparently not.
RORY: So, anyhow, I'm really hoping to score a spot in your class.
Prof.JOLENE: Well, add/drop begins tomorrow.
RORY: I'm aware of that. I just thought I would start putting in a good word for myself right now. So here's the good word: I'm dying to be in your class. I even bought your book, see (show the books she's holding), the one you wrote for the class. I bought it new, not used, so you get full royalty payment on it.
Prof.JOLENE: Well, thank you.
RORY: I want to be in your class.
Prof.JOLENE: I can't make you any promises, but I appreciate your enthusiasm. And, by the way, I get full royalties whether you buy me book new or used.
RORY: See how much I've learned already?
Prof.JOLENE: Goodbye, Rory.
RORY: I will see you tomorrow. (Prof.Jolene walks away and Rory makes her way to the coffee cart. She comes closer and sees that Logan is sitting, waiting next to the coffee cart. She stops, he gets up)
LOGAN: I knew you'd have to hit the coffee cart eventually. (she turns and walks away. Logan looks disappointed)
(CUT to Luke's diner, night. Luke is closing up as Lorelai knocks on the diner door holding a box. He opens the door, she enters)
LORELAI: Well, we're done.
LUKE: We're done with what?
LORELAI: With the wedding preparations. We're all done. (Lorelai walks over to the counter and leaves the box)
LUKE: What?
LORELAI: I just dropped off a deposit check to the caterer, and I brought you some duck-sausage rolls, by the way. (gives him a small take out box)
LUKE: Duck-Sausage rolls. (he takes the take out container and moves behind the counter)
LORELAI: I know. They sounded weird to me, too, but they're incredible.
LUKE: I don't understand. How did this happen? This morning, you didn't know whether you were gonna wear a white dress or not.
LORELAI: I know. But then Sookie and I went to check out these invitations, you know, and right next door, there was this little bridal shop, and we thought, "Oh, we'll just go in, look around, you know no big deal", you know, just girl fun, right? And I went in, and I turned around, and there it was. The perfect dress.
LUKE: The...
LORELAI: The bodice is this blush-coloured silk tulle, and it has all these little crystal beads on it, and the skirt is a blush silk tulle with a blush silk/satin lining, and the back goes into a train. And, oh, it has a cream, satin sash, so you get a little white in there, which I know is very important to you. I tried it on, and it fit me perfectly, and it was on sale, and so I bought it. And from the minute I bought the dress, everything else fell into place.
LUKE: What does that mean?
LORELAI: Well, the dress is strapless, so, hello, summer wedding. And summer means daisies, so flower choice done. And we went into the stationery store, and there was the perfect daisy invitations, which I know sounds a little girly, but, seriously, there are no macho wedding invitations, so please just give me this one, OK?
LUKE: OK.
LORELAI: OK, so I bought the invitations, the place is running a special. They print the invites and mail them for you and handle the RSVP list, so that's done. Then we go to get some coffee, and in the window of the coffee shop, there is a picture of a beautiful rose-covered church. And I thought, "gee, that's pretty. I wonder where that is". And do you know where it is?
LUKE: No.
LORELAI: Right around the corner from the coffee shop. So we went in and talked to Pastor Todd.
LUKE: Pastor Todd?
LORELAI: And the church is perfect. And out back, there's a separate function hall with these floor-to-ceiling windows and doors that open out. And behind the hall is this old carrousel.
LUKE: A carrousel?
LORELAI: From 1850. And it should be fully restored and working by June 3rd, which, by the way, is the date of our wedding.
LUKE: June 3rd?
LORELAI: Yes. Which is also miraculously a date that absolutely no one in Stars Hollow has a conflict with, and the Pastor was running a special.
LUKE: A special?
LORELAI: Yeah. I rented the church. And he gave me the hall for half price, and he threw in the use of the carrousel for nothing. And his sister runs a catering company, and Sookie blessed it, and so basically that's it, we're done!
LUKE: Huh!
LORELAI: It was so weird how this happened, you know. It's like the dress was a sign or something.
LUKE: There are no signs.
LORELAI: (notices that is started snowing) Oh, my god!
LUKE: What!?
LORELAI: Oh, my god! It started snowing. (Luke starts to walk back to her side of the counter) It started snowing right as I started talking about signs. That, my friend, is a sign.
LUKE: (now on her side of the counter) That is not a sign. That is weather.
LORELAI: No, this is more than weather. This is fate.
LUKE: June 3rd, huh?
LORELAI: June 3rd.
LUKE: That's soon.
LORELAI: I know.
LUKE: It's less than five months away.
LORELAI: I know. (they kiss) OK, I better get this back home before the snow gets any worse. (picks up the box and walk towards the door) Oh, and I picked out your tuxedo. You can stop by the place anytime you want, and they were running a special, so the alterations are free.
(Lorelai exits the diner, and Luke is left alone he sits on chair looking a bit concerned)
(CUT to Yale Daily News, morning. The staff, including Rory and Doyle, are sitting around as Paris is handing out the beats)
PARIS: City beat, Martha Billings. Editorials, Peter Brooke. Sports, Russ Tamblen. Religion beat, Heather Torrance. Religion beat, my former beat. Good luck, Heather. And features, Arlen Sather, Nick Scott, and the returning Rory Gilmore. Also joining our ranks this year, our former editor Doyle McMaster and his new column "the world according to Doyle". It's going to be a great term, people, an important term, a term to change the history of the Yale Daily News. The work will be hard. It has to be hard. Nothing less than perfect will be tolerated. Please remember that I am your editor. I am not your mother or your hugger. If you need some love, get a hooker. If you're having a bad day, find a ledge or a way to deal. My door is not open to you ever. You have five minutes to enjoy your cookies. Welcome to the Yale Daily News. (the meeting breaks up, the staffers go back to their desks as Rory goes up to Paris)
RORY: Thanks for the features beat, Paris.
PARIS: You deserve it. You're a good writer.
RORY: Thank you. And, I know, you're gonna be a great editor.
PARIS: I plan on it.
RORY: Yeah. But, you know, you might want to ease up just a tad.
PARIS: What do you mean?
RORY: You know, the "five minutes for the cookies", the "no talking" signs posted everywhere, the "no decorating your desk" rule, the new demerit system, the locks on the bathroom doors. It's just all a little, um, harsh and restrictive. This is a newsroom. People should be able to talk, yell, joke around...
PARIS: I don't agree.
RORY: ...Go to the bathroom.
PARIS: Journalism is an art form, and the best art is created under repression, like Stalin's gulag. You think Solzhenitsyn could have written "One Day In The Life Of Ivan Denisovich" on a yoga retreat?
RORY: Paris, I don't really think...
PARIS: Oh, great. (Rory looks around and we see Logan just entered the news room and greats another staffer) I got a call saying your boyfriend was coming back.
RORY: He's not my boyfriend anymore, Paris. We broke up.
PARIS: Hey, keep your personal stuff at home, OK? I can't be seen caring about this. (calling out to Logan) My door is not open! (gets Logan's attention) Huntzberger! My office, now! (Paris goes to her office and Logan follows her, he tries to great Rory who avoids him. She goes over to her desk and starts collecting her stuff)
(CUT to Paris's office, continuous. Paris is standing as Logan walks in)
PARIS: Sit down, Logan. Let's have a little talk about your future.
LOGAN: Sure, Paris. (Paris goes behind her desk and sits. Logan sits on a chair opposite her)
PARIS: Now, I know you think your sugar daddy runs the world, and that includes this paper, and possibly in the past that was true, but not anymore. You don't scare me. (Logan leans back on his chair to get a clear view of Rory's desk, which he sees is empty) Your daddy doesn't scare me. Your mommy doesn't scare me. If you have a brother, a sister, or a really angry cat, they don't scare me, either. Hey, either spin a plate on your nose while you do that or cut it out, 'cause I am speaking.
LOGAN: Sorry.
PARIS: Oh, you will be. Now let's talk about deadlines, emphasis on "dead".
[SCENE_BREAK]
(CUT to outside Rory, Paris and Doyle's apartment, morning. Rory is giving Lorelai a tour. They come up the stairs)
RORY: So, the elevator's getting fixed on Monday, but I'm thinking I may not even use it 'cause the stairs are excellent exercise. And I love having a hallway. I've never had a hallway before. And I am really lucky that Paris and Doyle hadn't rented out that other room yet. I mean, this location is really in demand.
LORELAI: Really?
RORY: (starts to unlock the door) Oh, yeah. I mean, it is literally 10 minutes from campus. You know how hard I'm gonna have to work to be late for class?
LORELAI: Those guys down there, are they your neighbours?
RORY: Um, no. They're a Doo-Wop group.
LORELAI: Um. (seeing all the locks on the door) You have some plutonium back there or something?
RORY: Uh, no, just Paris, you know. She's quirky. (kicks the door, and opens) OK, welcome to my place.
(CUT to inside apartment, continuous. The girls enter)
LORELAI: No.
RORY: Mom, give it a chance.
LORELAI: No.
RORY: Look, we have a really big living room.
LORELAI: Uh, No.
RORY: I know it just looks rundown, but everything works fine.
LORELAI: (looking at the kitchen) No!
RORY: Mom!
LORELAI: No.
RORY: (Lorelai starts to walk around the house) OK, tour's over. Time for lunch.
LORELAI: (pointing at stuff around the house) No.
RORY: Let's go.
LORELAI: (keeps on pointing)No. No. (opens Paris and Doyle's bedroom door. They are fighting, well actually Paris is kicking Doyle?s ass. Lorelai covers Rory's eyes)
DOYLE: Saroyan! Saroyan!
LORELAI: Aah!
LORELAI: No, no, no.
RORY: OK, OK. (they start to exit)
(CUT to Kim's antiques, morning. Lane is trying to make a sale)
CUSTOMER: It's very nice.
LANE: It's one of a kind.
CUSTOMER: Will you take two fifty?
LANE: For that chair?
CUSTOMER: Well, it does have some nicks.
LANE: That chair is two hundred years old. It's gonna have some nicks. It sat in James Madison's bedroom. This chair is a piece of history. We shouldn't even be allowed to sell it to you.
CUSTOMER: Well, I didn't mean to insult you.
LANE: You didn't insult me. You insulted the chair and the United States of America.
CUSTOMER: All right. Three hundred's fine.
LANE: Forget it.
CUSTOMER: That's what the price tag says.
LANE: The price just went up flag burner. If you want the chair, it's three fifty. If you don't, please leave, because I have a lot of work to do.
CUSTOMER: Well...
LANE: Bye.
CUSTOMER: Three fifty. Here. (starts to get money out of her purse) Do you take cash?
LANE: Exact change only.
CUSTOMER: I don't suppose you have a delivery service. (Lane sternly looks at her) Oh, that's okay. I'll...I'll take it with me right now. (takes the chair and starts to leave. Lane goes off to put the money away. Mrs.Kim come up to her)
Mrs.KIM: You forgot to kick her in the pants as she walked out.
LANE: I made the sale, didn't I?
Mrs.KIM: Yes, but with a little less bite. A customer might come back.
LANE: You always drive a hard bargain.
Mrs.KIM: Yes, I do.
LANE: OK, then!
Mrs.KIM: We do have a delivery service.
LANE: Yeah, me in a minivan. Not in the mood, no matter how exciting the prospect of a $2 tip is.
Mrs.KIM: Too bad it's not Christmas. That smiley face of yours would cheer up children for miles around. (Zach comes in the store)
LANE: Oh, Zach (walk up to him)...Zach! You have a lot of nerve just to walk into my place like this.
ZACH: What are you talking about? This is like a place of business. Maybe I want to buy some antiques.
LANE: Oh, right!
ZACH: You're not wearing your glasses anymore.
LANE: What do you want, Zach?
ZACH: I think you have a CD of mine.
LANE: What CD?
ZACH: You know, the one with like a crazy-looking chick on it.
LANE: I don't have any of your CDs, Zach.
ZACH: I think you do. I can go up to your room and check it out. (start to walk upstairs)
LANE: (stops him) No! Zach, you can't go up to my room and check. I'll look and if I find a CD with a crazy-looking chick on it, I'll mail it to you.
ZACH: Seriously? Let's go upstairs and look now.
LANE: I'm working, Zach.
ZACH: Yeah, I can tell there's a major rush on ancient crap going on her... (Mrs.Kim walks up to assist a customer and notices the scene going on)
LANE: (pushes him towards the door) Bye, Zach!
ZACH: Five minutes, Lane.
LANE: Out, Zach!
ZACH: It's my favourite CD.
LANE: Out!
ZACH: Fine! (he leaves)
Mrs.KIM: (to customer) I'm sorry
LANE: (at the customer) Hey, you break it, you buy it!
(CUT to Rich Man's Shoe pub, morning. Lorelai and Rory are having lunch)
LORELAI: Oh, Rory.
RORY: Come on. It's not so bad.
LORELAI: It's "Angela's Ashes".
RORY: It's basic.
LORELAI: It's "Sanford and Son".
RORY: Mom, the neighbourhood is safe. A ton of kids from school live there. And they have a safety van that goes to and from campus, so I don't have to walk home at night.
LORELAI: That wasn't a Doo-Wop group, was it?
RORY: No.
LORELAI: Let's call daddy. Make him pay for an apartment with one lock.
RORY: No. Look, this is the way it's supposed to be. I am in college. Don't you see? I'm supposed to live in a crappy apartment. I'm supposed to eat ramen noodles and mac and cheese for months. I've been living in a pool house with maids and fresh-cut flowers and mints on my pillow every night.
LORELAI: You got to love my mother sometimes.
RORY: This is good and right, and I'm happy, and I have roommates who are learning to kill people, so where is the bad? Now let's talk about you. How are the wedding plans going?
LORELAI: Done.
RORY: What?
LORELAI: All done.
RORY: What?
LORELAI: The dress, the cake, the place, the invitations. June 3rd, by the way.
RORY: Wow.
LORELAI: Yeah. I also bought your dress and shoes.
RORY: How did all this happen?
LORELAI: Well, I found this dress, which, at the time, seemed like the perfect dress, and from the dress, all the other details fell into place. By the end of the day I was done.
RORY: That's great.
LORELAI: Is it?
RORY: Isn't it?
LORELAI: I don't know. Yes, sure, I thought it was. I mean I thought it was a sign or something, you know, finding the dress. And then when, oohh when it started to snow, I was like, "somebody's telling me something".
RORY: So it would seem.
LORELAI: But then I started thinking...
RORY: Uh-oh.
LORELAI: It was all too easy. Planning a wedding shouldn't be easy because marriage isn't easy.
RORY: How do you know? You've never been married.
LORELAI: Exactly.
RORY: "Exactly" what?
LORELAI: I have never been married because it's not easy, and I usually freak out and screw everything up. I freaked out and screwed everything up with Max, remember?
RORY: Yeah, but...
LORELAI: But I haven't freaked out about Luke yet. Why haven't I freaked out about Luke yet? It's my pattern. It's what I do, and then I started freaking out about the fact that I hadn't freaked out.
RORY: Oh, dear! You got caught in the circle of freak out.
LORELAI: What if this dress is really a bad sign, not a good sign? What if the dress is telling me that it's so right, it's wrong?
RORY: Mom!
LORELAI: What if I'm about to bail out and I don't even know it?
RORY: You are driving yourself crazy.
LORELAI: What if all the signs are saying things shouldn't be this easy, that I shouldn't get the guy I want? What if it's like that "Twilight Zone" where the woman on a horse is being chased by another woman on a horse who turns out is older her chasing younger her, trying to tell her that she should not run off with the guy she's going to run off with because it will be a terrible, terrible mistake.
RORY: OK, King George, take a breath, eat a fry, and listen to me. The dress is a good sign. Everything fell into place because it should. It's all right. The dress is right, the date is right, Luke is right. And the snow. Remember the snow? The snow never lies.
LORELAI: I guess.
RORY: Be happy. This is all good.
LORELAI: Thanks. I'm gonna miss you when you're murdered and stuffed into a dumpster by the Doo-Wop group.
RORY: So tell me about my dress.
LORELAI: Two words "hoop skirt"
RORY: Nice.
LORELAI: In a lovely shade of tangerine.
RORY: Excellent.
LORELAI: And the minute I saw it, I thought, "this would totally be Rory if only it had a few more ruffles".
RORY: A fry with your evilness?
LORELAI: Why, thank you.
(CUT to Nardini house, morning. Luke knocks on the door. Anna opens)
ANNA: Hello, stranger.
LUKE: Hey. Uh, can...can I come in?
ANNA: Why not?
(CUT to inside house, continuous)
LUKE: Sorry about barging in on you like that.
ANNA: Hey, it's fine. I'm making tea. You want some tea?
LUKE: Uh, sure. Tea sounds like tea. (Anna goes off to the kitchen to prep the tea)
ANNA: April's not here right now. She's tracking a grub migration. All inquiries stopped after the word "grub".
LUKE: That's okay. I came by to see you, actually.
ANNA: Oh, yeah?
LUKE: Yeah. (looking around the house) You got a lot of stuff here. You sell clothes?
ANNA: Clothes, pillows, candles, fabrics. It's one of those everything kind of boutiques that used to send you in a "what do people need with all this crap?" kind of rant.
LUKE: Oh, yeah. Well, that's nice.
ANNA: (walk up to him and hands him a cup) Thanks. Here.
LUKE: Thanks. (sips) It tastes like tea.
ANNA: Uh, this is weird.
LUKE: I know.
ANNA: It's been a very long time.
LUKE: I know.
ANNA: I actually saw you once about five years ago in the parking lot of some lumberyard.
LUKE: Yeah?
ANNA: Yeah, I waved, but you either didn't see me or didn't want to see me.
LUKE: I didn't see you. I would have waved back, unless I was holding stuff, and then I would have nodded or something.
ANNA: Sure. I'm sure. I thought about you when the Red Sox won.
LUKE: Really?
ANNA: I knew it would be a big day for you.
LUKE: It was.(after a beat) How come you didn't tell me, Anna?
ANNA: Luke...
LUKE: It was a phone call.
ANNA: We should sit down. (they sit)
LUKE: I've been in the same place forever. Haven't moved. You certainly knew how to find me.
ANNA: Luke, come on. We'd already broken up by the time I found out, and I knew how you felt about kids.
LUKE: What do you mean, "how I felt about kids"?
ANNA: You hate kids.
LUKE: I don't hate kids.
ANNA: What are you talking about?
LUKE: I don't!
ANNA: We couldn't go the movies before ten o'clock at night in case there were kids in the theatre.
LUKE: Well, kids talk during a movie, and they throw crap around. They run up and down the aisles. They're animals.
ANNA: We would move tables in a restaurant if they seated us near a family.
LUKE: Only if there was something crying or spitting up.
ANNA: You would flip out if you saw a woman breast-feeding in public, you couldn't stand to watch diaper commercials and you had an unnatural hatred of Macaulay Culkin.
LUKE: OK, fine. I hated kids, but I'm not that guy anymore.
ANNA: Thirteen years ago, you were that guy.
LUKE: It doesn't mean I would have been like that with my kid. I mean even if I would have been like that with my kid, I still had a right to know.
ANNA: I'm sorry.
LUKE: Yeah. Well, you know, I could have helped. I could have helped pay for stuff and take care of things.
ANNA: I didn't need you to pay for stuff or take care of things.
LUKE: This is my responsibility, too. And now that I know, I have to do something.
ANNA: What does that mean? It means I want to offer you whatever assistance I can.
ANNA: I don't...
LUKE: Monetary, of course, and compensation for the past 12 years.
ANNA: But we really don't need anything. It was not my idea for April to call you. It was all her thing. She got obsessed with winning that science contest, and she's really a smart, driven kid. She's already written a short novel, and she's got her own website. So she went through my old letters and put the whole thing together and, frankly, didn't tell me anything about it till way after the fact. I did not send her to you.
LUKE: I know you didn't, but she came to me, and now I know, and I want to help. I'm not talking about contact here. I know you've got your life, here. I don't want to mess things up. I just want to live up to my end of the bargain.
ANNA: You don't owe us anything, Luke. We want for nothing and always have. But if you want to chip in, then, sure, chip in.
LUKE: Really? Great. That's great. That's really...Thank you.
ANNA: Thank you.
LUKE: Yeah. OK, well, that's all I came to say, so...so I guess I'll get going. (they put the cups down and get up)
ANNA: Hey Luke, it was really great seeing you.
LUKE: You too. Tell April "hi" for me. (they start walking to the door)
ANNA: I will do that. Hey, Luke.
LUKE: Yeah?
ANNA: You happy?
LUKE: Yeah.
ANNA: Me too. This is pretty cool, isn't it?
LUKE: Yeah, it is. (he exits)
(CUT to outside Rory, Paris and Doyle's apartment, morning. Rory is coming up the stairs, and notices something. It's Logan waiting outside of the apartment with coffee. She tries to ignore him)
LOGAN: I brought coffee, but it's cold. (she puts down her stuff without answering him and starts to open the door) It's a nice place you got here. I've been discussing the "baking soda to actual crack" ratio you can get away with your neighbours downstairs. 2 to 1 during the daylight, 3 to 1 at night.
RORY: I have ten minutes to change. Then I have someplace I have to be.
LOGAN: It's gonna take you twenty to unlock your door.
RORY: Bye, Logan.
LOGAN: This place is a dump, Rory. You can't live here.
RORY: (turns around to face him) You don't get to care about where I live anymore, Logan. You broke up with me...through your sister.
LOGAN: I didn't mean for that to happen.
RORY: You're a coward. Mr."Life and Death Brigade" can't even break up with his girlfriend.
LOGAN: Honor was bugging me, and I just told her we broke up to shut her up. I needed some time.
RORY: So you didn't mean it?
LOGAN: No, I did. I just...it was too much for me, OK?
RORY: It was a fight. People fight.
LOGAN: Yeah, well I don't fight, I don't want to be screaming at you at a bar. I can't take that. It's too much drama.
RORY: Well, if you can't take the drama, then you shouldn't even be in a relationship, which, by the way, you're not, so everything's good.
LOGAN: It's not that easy.
RORY: Sure, it is.
LOGAN: You want some help?
RORY: Nope.
LOGAN: I bet one of those guys downstairs could help you out getting into a locked apartment.
RORY: Ugh! (does the kicking the door part of opening the door) Just go be somewhere else, Logan.
LOGAN: (she starts to pick up her stuff) I thought that I wanted to break up. I thought that it was a stupid experiment, me trying to be a boyfriend, that it didn't work, and I'd just move on. And I didn't. Couldn't, actually. (as she's about to go in) Rory...I love you.
RORY: (stares at him for a beat) I have an appointment. I have to go. (she goes in the apartment and leaves Logan outside who's looking a bit upset)
(CUT to Dr.Shapiro's office - the shrink -, morning. The Doctor opens the door and Rory enters)
RORY: Sorry I'm late.
Dr.SHAPIRO: Well, considering how many times you rescheduled, I'm just happy you're here at all.
RORY: I was just spending some time with my mother, you know. We were apart for a while, so...
Dr.SHAPIRO: You were?
RORY: Yeah.
Dr.SHAPIRO: Falling-out?
RORY: Nothing major. Just mother/daughter stuff. (the Doc nods, Rory trying to get out of an uncomfortable situation) I don't have to lie down, do I?
Dr.SHAPIRO: No. That's not a "lying down" couch. (they walk over to sit down)
RORY: Good. (they sit and the doc take out his notes)
Dr.SHAPIRO: So, did this falling-out have anything to do with your dropping out of school?
RORY: Boy, we just jumped into this, didn't we?
Dr.SHAPIRO: You want to talk about something else first?
RORY: No.
Dr.SHAPIRO: I mean, we're here to talk about you leaving school, so I figured, "let's just start there". What happened?
RORY: Nothing. We fought. I'm fine. We're fine.
Dr.SHAPIRO: I hear you had some legal problems. (as he talks he takes notes)
RORY: My, those are some big ears you have there, grandma.
Dr.SHAPIRO: Stealing a boat is a pretty big deal.
RORY: I was upset.
Dr.SHAPIRO: About what?
RORY: About life and things and stuff.
Dr.SHAPIRO: You spent a night in jail?
RORY: Yes, I did.
Dr.SHAPIRO: How did that feel?
RORY: Great.
Dr.SHAPIRO: You don't want to talk about this, either?
RORY: I'm just...I'm sick of talking about it, that's all.
Dr.SHAPIRO: You seem very agitated.
RORY: I'm not agitated. I... So, I spent a night in jail. Big deal. So did Martin Luther King.
Dr.SHAPIRO: Are you comparing yourself with Martin Luther King?
RORY: No, I'm not. I just, I'm saying that he spent a night in jail, too.
Dr.SHAPIRO: You were arrested with your boyfriend?
RORY: Yes, I was.
Dr.SHAPIRO: Tell me about that.
RORY: About what? He was my boyfriend then, and now he's not.
Dr.SHAPIRO: He's not?
RORY: No, he's not. We broke up. No. Oh, no. I'm sorry. He broke up. I thought that we were just taking some time, but apparently I'm a moron.
Dr.SHAPIRO: (consulting his notes) Uh, this is Logan?
RORY: What, you have his name, too? Super. Do you also have the picture of him hijacking me in my hallway earlier today?
Dr.SHAPIRO: I'm sorry. What?
RORY: I mean how fair is that? He's gone, and then he shows up out of the blue. (mimicking Logan's voice) "You can't live here. This place is a dump. And, by the way, I love you". (normal voice) "I love you"?! Is he serious?!
Dr.SHAPIRO: I don't know.
RORY: (getting all worked up and in the verge of tears) Nothing for weeks, and then he just decides that he loves me. So, what happens now? I get another Birkin bag? And how long until he doesn't love me again, huh? (the doc passes her a box of tissues, because she's started to cry. Rory takes the box and takes a tissue) I stole a boat with him! I never stole a boat with Dean!
Dr.SHAPIRO: Who's Dean?
RORY: My married ex-boyfriend who I lost my virginity to!
Dr.SHAPIRO: Wow. (takes some notes)
RORY: Yeah. I'm a treat. I don't know what I'm gonna do. I-I don't think I can take running into him every day in the halls and the paper and the coffee cart. Oh, my god. I'm gonna have to quit drinking coffee, and I love coffee! (breaking down in tears and gabbing as many tissues as she can, as the doctor looks very concerned) I really love coffee.
(CUT to outside Stars Hollow, morning. Kirk and Luke are walking around town. Kirk is holding a laptop trying to find a wireless less internet, Luke is following him)
LUKE: I feel like an idiot.
KIRK: Just relax, Luke. It should only take a couple more minutes.
LUKE: I've been following you around the town square for half an hour.
KIRK: I know there's a wireless internet hub around here somewhere. Ah! (moves back and forth a bit) No. Encrypted. I used to use the bank's access, but I had to stand right in front of the versa teller machine, and they got very snippy about that. Then Doose's had it for a while, but Taylor but a block on it. It's sad what this world is coming to.
LUKE: You know what, why don't I just find someone who actually has the internet?
KIRK: Hold on. Hold on. We have achieved contact.
LUKE: We have?
KIRK: Yes, courtesy of Stars Hollow Books. (they sit at the edge of the sidewalk) OK. Now, tell me what you need.
LUKE: Uh, I just, uh, need to look up a website.
KIRK: OK. Give me the name, and I'll type it in for you.
LUKE: Well I...
KIRK: Hold on. Is this one of those websites? 'Cause if they'll come after Pete Townsend, no one is safe.
LUKE: Kirk, just tell me what to do,
and I'll do it myself.
KIRK: Are you sure?
LUKE: Yes. Just, (takes the laptop) here.
KIRK: OK, give me your hand, (reaches to grab Luke's hand) and I'll guide...
LUKE: (slaps Kirk's hand away) Stop it.
KIRK: Oouii! Alright. Just click here, then type in the name of the website here, then press here.
LUKE: OK.
KIRK: This makes the page go up and down...
LUKE: Yeah, I can figure out the rest, Kirk.
KIRK: Alright. I'll be over here if you need me. (gets up)
LUKE: I've never felt safer in my life. (Luke opens Aprils' site and snoops around a bit. Sees pictures of her -birthdays, with friends, with her uncle in a back brace- and looks very proud, happy and a bit sad)
(CUT to Kim's antiques, night. It's closing time. Mrs.Kim is saying goodbye to the last customer as Lane comes up to her)
Mrs.KIM: Thank you for coming. We appreciate your business. (locks the door)
LANE: Everything's dusted. The receipts are organized. I'm not hungry. I'm going upstairs. (starts to walk up the staircase)
Mrs.KIM: Lane Kim! Come down now! (Lane come back down. Mrs.Kim turns around the closed sign and closes the door window shutter) Follow me. (they start walking around the store for Mrs.Kim to close the curtains Help me. (they move a dresser to cover a window without curtains) Good. Come.
(they go to the kitchen. Mrs.Kim uses a chair to reach up to a high kitchen cupboard. Lane looks surprised as her mother gets out a hidden bottle of vodka and two shoot glasses. Mrs.Kim motions Lane to sit, they both do, and she serves the drink)
LANE: (picks up the glass and smells the content) Whoa.
Mrs.KIM: Lane, it's been six weeks since you come home. You have grieved, and now we move on. (they drink) Ahh. One more. (she pours some more)
(CUT to Lorelai's bedroom, night. Lorelai is looking at the dress, which is hanging on the closet door, as PA come up and starts barking)
LORELAI: Hey, buddy. Yeah, there is something weird about it, right? What? What is it? (Lorelai opens the closet door and PA enters, picks up a shoe and leaves. Lorelai looks resigned with the concept of PA stealing shoes. The phone starts to ring and she picks it up) Hello?
RORY: (on phone) Guess who's crazy.
LORELAI: Who?
RORY: (on phone) Me.
LORELAI: You? Since when?
(CUT to Yale, continuous. Rory is at the dining room hall. The scene switches between Rory at Yale and Lorelai at home)
RORY: Since I went all Frances Farmer in my psychologists evaluation today.
LORELAI: Alright, I'm on the bed and comfortable. Should I get popcorn, or is it a shorter story than that?
RORY: I went home from class to get ready for the appointment, and Logan was there.
LORELAI: At your apartment?
RORY: In the hallway. And, of course, I couldn't get my door open fast enough, so he started talking.
LORELAI: What did he say?
RORY: He said he loved me.
LORELAI: No way.
RORY: And it completely threw me. And I got out of there as fast as I could. But then I got to Dr.Shapiro's office, and he started peppering me with all these questions, and I just got more and more upset. Then I exploded all over the place. I went through two boxes of kleenex, I started hyperventilating, and I had to breathe into a paper bag.
LORELAI: Do you believe him?
RORY: Believe who?
LORELAI: Logan. Do you believe he loves you?
RORY: I don't know. I guess I can figure that out next week in therapy.
LORELAI: What?
RORY: After my little meltdown, Dr.Shapiro thinks I should come see him once a week for the next two months.
LORELAI: You're kidding.
RORY: There are no jokes in the mental-health field, only hand puppets, inkblots, and inflatable anger bats.
LORELAI: I'm so sorry you're a nut.
RORY: That's OK. I'm sure Dr.Shapiro has a nice padded room for me.
LORELAI: Well don't let them put you on any of those pills. Tom Cruise will be very upset.
RORY: Alright. I should go. I have a massive amount of reading to do. I just wanted to call and say "hi".
LORELAI: OK. Remember. Blame it all on Grandma.
RORY: Will do.
LORELAI: Bye.
RORY: Bye. (they hang up)
(Lorelai looks over at the dress)
(CUT to Luke's apartment, night. Luke is looking at him phone like he's trying to make a decision. Finally he starts looking through his pockets and takes out piece of paper and dials, breathing "OK". He calls Anna, who is fussing with some pillows. The scene switches between Luke's apartment and Anna's house)
ANNA: (picks up the phone) Hold on. (throws it on the floor)
LUKE: Hello?
ANNA: Just a sec. Major pillow emergency happening here.
LUKE: What? Anna?
ANNA: (picks the phone from the floor) Sorry. Hi. Who's this?
LUKE: It's, uh, Luke.
ANNA: Luke? Wow, when it rains, it...
LUKE: I saw her website.
ANNA: Her...?
LUKE: I saw her pictures. The one in the lab and the one with the Christmas tree, and you never told me she wore a back brace. Why was she wearing a back brace?
ANNA: Oh, she had just read "Deenie". It was a phase.
LUKE: Well, still, I should have known.
ANNA: That she had just read "Deenie"?
LUKE: Yes, and that she was going through a phase and was a science wiz and wear crazy bike helmets and glasses and looked like me.
ANNA: Just the nose.
LUKE: The nose is something. I mean, there's no one else running around with my nose.
ANNA: That you know of.
LUKE: Is this funny to you?
ANNA: No. I'm sorry.
LUKE: You should've told me.
ANNA: Luke, we went through all this already. I...
LUKE: I want contact.
ANNA: What?
LUKE: I want a relationship. I want to talk to her and see her on a regular basis.
ANNA: But you said...
LUKE: I don't care what I said. This is what I want. I want to know my own daughter, and I want her to know me.
ANNA: OK.
LUKE: Really?
ANNA: Well, it's really up to April, but if she's cool, then I'm cool.
LUKE: Oh. So, uh, is, uh, April there now?
ANNA: No. But she'll be home pretty soon. Can I have her call you?
LUKE: Yes. No.
ANNA: No?
LUKE: I should call her.
ANNA: She'll definitely be home by eight.
LUKE: Then I will call back at eight.
ANNA: OK.
LUKE: Thanks.
ANNA: You're welcome.
LUKE: Hey, Anna?
ANNA: Mmm?
LUKE: What the hell is "Deenie"?
ANNA: The gospel according to Judy Blume.
LUKE: What?
ANNA: It's a book, Luke. And now would probably be a good time for you to read it. Bye.
LUKE: Bye. (they hang up)
(CUT to Lorelai's house, night. Luke comes in looking for Lorelai)
LUKE: Lorelai!
LORELAI (OS): Uuuhh, Luke, I'm upstairs!
LUKE: Yeah, uh, can you come down? I have to talk to you about something.
LORELAI (OS): OK. Yes, I will come down, but I'm coming down in my wedding dress.
LUKE: What? No!
LORELAI (OS): Yes!
LUKE: It's bad luck for me to see the wedding dress.
LORELAI (OS): I know, but I need you to see this dress. There's something not right up here. It was too easy. I can't be objective anymore.
LUKE: But...
LORELAI (OS): Coming down.
LUKE: But I don't... (stops talking as he sees Lorelai coming down in the dress. She walks up to him)
LORELAI: Well?
LUKE: It's...you're perfect.
LORELAI: Really? Have you seen the back? I think the train's a little weird, and I can take it back if you don't think...
LUKE: It's perfect.
LORELAI: Are you sure? (he reaches out to kiss her and they do) OK. It's not bad luck if it's under five minutes. (she runs up the stairs and Luke is left alone looking upset with himself)
END Of Episode 6.11 - The Perfect Dress | Plan: A: elegant blush-silk tulle; Q: What is the perfect dress? A: Lorelai's size; Q: What size is the dress in? A: a wedding; Q: What is the perfect dress ideal for? A: Lane; Q: Who is the perfect mess? A: Zach; Q: Who did Lane break up with? A: Luke; Q: Who goes to talk to his former girlfriend Anna Nardini? A: Anna Nardini; Q: Who is the mother of Luke's daughter April? Summary: The perfect dress: elegant blush-silk tulle, in Lorelai's size and on sale - ideal for a wedding. The perfect mess: Lane, short tempered, belligerent and miserable since she broke up with Zach and moved back home. Luke goes to have a talk with his former girlfriend Anna Nardini, mother of his daughter April. |
Robert: Retro rockets are about to fire in.
Amelie Durand: 1, 2, 3, breathe. 1, 2, 3, breathe.
Ben Sawyer: We dream. It's who we are. Down to our bones, our cells. That instinct to build. That drive to seek beyond what we know. It's in our DNA. We crossed the oceans, we conquered the skies. And when there were no more frontiers on Earth we launched ourselves among the stars.
John F. Kennedy: We choose to go to the Moon in this decade and do the other things, not because they are easy, but because they are hard.
Ben Sawyer: The heavens beckoned a new generation of innovators and explorers, seeking to take human kind even further.
President Obama: We can push out into the solar system. Not just to visit but to stay.
Ben Sawyer: That was when Mars became real for all of us. And for those of us who were around to see the first days, it was... electrifying. The world's leading space agencies united as the International Mars Science Foundation. And joined with private industry to accomplish one shared goal. To build a home for humankind on Mars. People weren't just talking about the red planet, they were making plans to go there. And after years of training in the Astronaut Corps I was chosen to command the first human mission to Mars.
Ed Grann: Wonder, wonder. For as long as we've looked up at the night sky that is what we felt. We named the planets that hang among the stars after our gods. And gave them the same power to control our fate. With the support of the space-going nations of the IMSF the Mars Mission Corporation has overcome the most daunting engineering challenges our species has ever faced. This allows the brave pioneers standing before you today, to bring humanity into a new era. We will no longer stare and wonder at those planets we named for our gods. But take our place among them.
Ben Sawyer: Ed Grann could sell anything, but he was more than a salesman. He was brilliant.
Ed Grann: She's 14 stories base to nose.
Javier: That's a fancy jacket you got today Ed.
Ben Sawyer: And as much as any of us, he was a believer. He promised the world he would give us the technology we needed to leave our home, and build a new one. And he delivered.
Ed Grann: This is it.
Ben Sawyer: Daedalus.
Ed Grann: Take good care of her, she'll take good care of you. She's your ship now.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Ben Sawyer: Drives better than a Cadillac. But that shine isn't gonna last. Over the next 7 months your bodies are gonna be exposed to nearly 200 times the dose of a normal year's worth of radiation exposure on Earth. Calcium will leach from your bones which will lose nearly 10% of their mass before you even get to Mars. There is no test that can tell you whether or not the notion of being 60 million kilometers away from the planet on which you were born can shatter your mind in so many pieces. Some of us if not all of us will almost certainly die on this mission. Might be in takeoff, might be in landing, might be in the new world itself. Now you all are the bravest group of women and men I have ever met. I'm damn proud to be here with you. But right now I want you to stop and ask yourself what really is important to you about this mission. And if the answer to that question is not the most important thing in your life then I'm gonna invite you to walk out that door and go pursue whatever that thing is. And don't ever look back, because no one will ever have the right to hold it against you.
Mission Control: Daedalus, you're a go for launch in T-minus 17 seconds and counting. Mission analytic executor, you have primary control of all the critical functions. Mae, the ship is yours.
Mae: I am in control.
Ben Sawyer: The launch of Daedalus was the beginning of our historic 7-month journey to Mars. But it wasn't easy to reach the red planet. We needed visionaries to guide the way.
Robert Zubrin: Mars and Earth are sister planets. The young Mars had rivers and lakes, it even had an ocean.
Jennifer Trosper: If there was water on Mars, couldn't there possibly be life? Is it habitable? If you really want to understand, we want to, need to, go to Mars.
Andy Weir: We need to go to Mars because it protects us from extinction. There's all sorts of things that could happen on Earth that can kill all the humans on the planet. But once humans are on two different planets the odds of extinction drop to nearly zero.
Elon Musk: Getting to Mars will be risky, dangerous, uncomfortable. But it will be the greatest adventure ever. Ever in human history. This is hallowed ground, it's called Launchpad 39A, and it's the place that the first humans left Earth, then went to another heavenly body. So this is um, I think, probably, I think it's the greatest launchsite on Earth.
Announcer: Buzz Aldrin, Mike Collins, Neil Armstrong get into the transfer van to Pad 39A.
Elon Musk: Pad 39A was used for the Apollo 11 mission, and then with the space shuttle. So it's a place with incredible historical significance. Now NASA has given Launchpad 39A to SpaceX to use. The long term goal of SpaceX is to develop the technology necessary to establish a self-sustaining city on Mars.
Shana Diez: SpaceX's primary mission is absolutely to make life interplanetary. We can explore the universe, we can put a colony on Mars. People can be interplanetary and it's just an engineering problem like any other. It just takes a group of people who care a lot, and are happy to work really hard to make that happen.
Stephen Petranek: When Elon Musk decided "I'm gonna go off and build my own rocket company", everyone thought he was crazy. Everyone laughed at him. Now SpaceX has a better record launching things than practically any rocket company in the world. They have a contract from NASA to deliver very essential supplies to the space station.
Spacex Misson Control: Dragon spacecraft now the first-ever commercial spacecraft to visit the International Space Station.
Stephen Petranek: They have investors, they have to have revenues, they want the business of launching billion dollar satellites. At the same time, they're focused on launching a new civilization on Mars. So the stakes for every rocket launch are huge.
Elon Musk: I think it's important for us to try to get to a self-sustaining situation on Mars as soon as possible.
Mission Control: SpaceX, Falcon9 and Dragon are go for launch. T-minus 30 seconds.
Elon Musk: Because either we're gonna become a multi-planet species and a space-faring civilization, or we're gonna be stuck on one planet until some eventual extinction event.
Mission Control: T-minus 20.
Elon Musk: In order for me to be excited and inspired about the future, it's gotta be the first option. It's gotta be: We're gonna be a space-faring civilization.
Mission Control: T-minus 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, 0.
Robert Foucault: What am I ready for? I'm ready to be one of the first human beings to go to Mars. I mean, could you imagine that? That's like a dream.
Marta Kamen: I think Amelia Earhart once said that "adventure is worthwhile in itself." Uh, it could be that.
Hana Seung: If we don't succeed we still paved the path for people after us to come, and follow our lead.
Amelie Durand: Becoming an interplanetary species is, it's our best chance to guarantee humankind's long-term survival. And, getting to be part of that it's just. I mean it's...
Javier: It's everything.
Amelie Durand: Yeah it is.
Ben Sawyer: We've got the opportunity to ensure that humankind continues. You know, we've been training for this half our lives.
Robert: And we've been dreaming about it even longer.
Ben Sawyer: We're ready to give everything for thismission you know, all of us are.
Louise Varda: We are coming to you from the International Mars Science Foundation headquarters, in Vienna, Austria. With live coverage from the Mars Mission Corporation's mission control center in London, and an optical feed from the Daedalus itself, at a 10 minute, 20 second delay.
Ben Sawyer: We had survived a 209-day journey through deep space. But landing a 14-story ship safely, upright, and on target on the surface of Mars? That was a whole different kind of challenge. Um, by the time this message reaches you, whatever is about to happen already has. If all went as planned then we are touched down at the base camp, we are docked and we're ready to begin the most exciting phase of scientific exploration in human history. And if we haven't, we went into the darkness so that you could find the light. This is for you, Dad. On my mark. Begin entry sequence.
Javier: Mark.
Hana Seung: EDL sequence engaged.
Ben Sawyer: You ready for this?
Hana Seung: Are you?
Ben Sawyer: Put your helmets on and seal your kits.
Mae: Daedalus descent to the surface has been initiated at 425 kilometers altitude.
Ben Sawyer: By the time this message reaches you, whatever is about to happen already has. If all went as planned, we are touched down at the base camp, we are docked and we're ready to begin the most exciting phase of scientific exploration in human history. And if we haven't...
Flight Director: 9 minutes 30 seconds till landing.
Ben Sawyer: ... know that we went into the darkness so that you could find the light.
Robert: Vector is good.
Amelie Durand: .05 G's, .1 G's.
Mae: Warning.
Hana Seung: Pyros didn't fire.
Mae: Reaction control system error. Lift vector requires correction.
Robert: RCS thrusters are offline.
Ben Sawyer: Check the backup computer.
Hana Seung: Backup also showing RCS is offline. This thing is real.
Mae: RCS thruster electrical board offline.
Javier: Propellant valves have not been commanded to open. The thrusters can't fire.
Mae: Recommend immediate manual replacement to 40 circuits.
Robert: I'll get down there and check it out.
Ben Sawyer: No, this is mine. Do a fault tree and talk me through it on comm.
Hana Seung: You're going to have to work fast.
Ben Sawyer: I got it.
Mae: Warning seat belt harness released. Failure identified.
Robert: Found it.
Ben Sawyer: Talk to me.
Robert: It's a failure in bus 14-15-48, aft-starboard terminal.
Ben Sawyer: 4-15-48, copy that.
Robert: It's the pyro initiation circuit, 4-3-6-double-bravo.
Hana Seung: Moving out of micro-G.
Ben Sawyer: Woah, OK, we got a bit of gravity here. Ah, wow.
Robert: The failure must have affected the whole bundle.
Marta Kamen: 71 seconds before we're outside the window for guidance to correct.
Ben Sawyer: I'm gonna need you to give me the number again.
Robert: 4-3-6-double-bravo.
Ben Sawyer: There we go.
Mae: Warning thrust still inactive, 60 seconds remaining to restore reaction control system before landing is compromised.
Ben Sawyer: Ah, the short cooked all four connections, I'm going to have to cannibalize a replacement.
Hana Seung: Mae, identify a PCB with matching electronics to board 4-36-double-bravo.
Mae: Cruise altitude control thruster pyro initiation circuit board Mike-Sierra-5-15-48 is identical.
Ben Sawyer: Mike-Sierra-5-15-48, Roger that.
Marta Kamen: 15 seconds left to correct.
Ben Sawyer: I'm switching the board now. Come on, come on, come on, come on. There you go.
Mae: Warning, window for correction is closing in 10.
Ben Sawyer: Thrusters are still offline! What are we missing? Talk to me.
Mae: 9, 8, 7, 6.
Ben Sawyer: What am I looking for?
Mae: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.
Jim Green: Landing on Mars is really tough. We can put a one-ton rover down on the ground, but that's all we can do right now. And for humans to be able to go to Mars, we're gonna need 40 ton. Our big challenge is indeed what it takes to get down to the surface. Mars has an atmosphere, but it's not enough to really stop you so consequently you have to really use retro-rockets, parachutes, bladed shields, you have every tool in the arsenal that we can throw at it is what it's going to take to get humans down on the ground.
Stephen Petranek: One of the most radical ideas that SpaceX has to lower this horrendous cost of getting into space is reusability. Elon Musk wants to be able to fire a rocket into orbit, launch a payload into space and then fire retro rockets, and bring that rocket down to land vertically and reuse it. And part of this whole idea of reusability is to develop a system where you can leave Earth orbit, go to Mars and actually physically land the rocket on Mars.
Mission Control: 3, 2, 1, liftoff!
Elon Musk: This is a very hard problem because you better enter the Mars atmosphere at an incredibly blazing fast speed. Mars atmosphere is so thin that by the time you hit the ground if you didn't start the engines, you'd still be supersonic, so you've got to basically point the engines into the wind at Mach 3, you gotta fire the rockets into the supersonic airstream, zero out your blast speed, deploy landing gear and land. And you got one shot. But rockets there really don't want to work, like there's a thousand ways that a rocket can fail and one way it can succeed.
Interviewer: Who is Joon Seung?
Hana Seung: She's my twin, she's cap comm at mission control. It wouldn't be easy for me to do this mission without her having my back on the ground.
Oliver: Mae ID'd a faulty pyro circuit, they're working it now.
Ava: You mean they were working it 10 minutes and 20 seconds ago.
MCC Employee: Delay or no, RCS status is still negative.
Joon Seung: I have Ben below deck.
Robert: Found it.
Ben Sawyer: Talk to me.
Sam: Mae found him a match.
Oliver: There's something else.
Joon Seung: Communications are in and out.
Sam: Initial failure was mitigated, but thrusters are still not operational.
Oliver: I got it, the RCS temperature reading is incorrect; The sensor isn't showing as faulty.
Ava: By the time they receive a transmission it will be too late.
MCC Employee: We just have to hope they found it too.
Ed Grann: If this goes to hell on the live broadcast, IMSF may never give us another shot.
Oliver: If they missed that window by more than a few seconds, they're going to shoot right past the landing site.
Ben Sawyer: I'm switching the board now.
Sam: Without thrusters, they won't be able to re-orient for retropropulsion. They'll have no way to slow down for landing.
Ben Sawyer: Thrusters are still offline.
Joon Seung: Eyes and ears, Hana.
Ben Sawyer: What are we missing?
Joon Seung: Eyes and ears.
Ben Sawyer: What am I looking for?
Hana Seung: Mae hasn't found it.
Robert: We're outside the window for correction.
Hana Seung: Reporting all systems nominal.
Javier: I don't see anything.
Amelie Durand: Nothing.
Ben Sawyer: Listen!
Marta Kamen: 4 minutes 4 seconds.
Ben Sawyer: Board is in.
Robert: It's the RCS temp sensor.
Mae: Backup system is offline.
Robert: The backup sensor is reading near nominal, Ben, permission to switch from primary to backup.
Amelie Durand: We're too close to SRP!
Ben Sawyer: Do it.
Amelie Durand: Ben you won't make it back to the flight deck for orientation! We have to abort!
Ben Sawyer: I said do it!
Mae: Warning, landing hazard.
Robert: Go.
Mae: Recommend engaging abort.
Robert: Engaged.
Mae: RCS thrust is engaged, three minutes 48 seconds.
Hana Seung: If Ben isn't back on deck soon he's going to lose consciousness from the G's; he could end up down there during landing.
Amelie Durand: That's it Ben, your blood pressure is good. You know the countermeasures. Do the drill.
Ben Sawyer: OK.
Amelie Durand: I'm watching your vitals, Ben. You can do this. His blood pressure is stable, but his heart rate and breathing are climbing fast, he's not getting enough blood to his head.
Ben Sawyer: The G's are climbing too fast!
Amelie Durand: You're doing great Ben, tell me what you see.
Ben Sawyer: My periphery is closing in.
Robert: 5.0.
Amelie Durand: Tighten your abdomen.
Robert: 5.1.
Amelie Durand: That's it Ben, blow it out hard. 1, 2, 3 breathe! Again! 1, 2, 3, breathe, again.
Javier: Guidance can't sufficiently compensate.
Robert: We don't have enough control authority.
Hana Seung: Prepare for retropropulsion!
Amelie Durand: 1, 2, 3, breathe, again, 1, 2, 3, breathe. 1, 2, 3, breathe, again, 1, 2, 3, breathe!
Robert: Counter thrusters are about to fire! 10, 9.
Amelie Durand: Ben has lost consciousness!
Robert: 8, 7.
Hana Seung: I'm going down.
Robert: 6, 5.
Marta Kamen: There's nothing you can do!
Robert: 4, 3, 2, 1. Fore and aft jets firing.
Marta Kamen: Beginning reorientation maneuver!
Amelie Durand: Hang on!
Robert: SRP in 3, 2, 1.
Amelie Durand: Ben's vitals went offline, I'm not getting any feedback!
Robert: Radar acquisition.
Javier: Terrain relative navigation initiated.
Robert: Divert maneuver initiated.
Marta Kamen: Constant velocity descent.
Amelie Durand: Still offline.
Hana Seung: Begin throttle down, prep for final descent.
Robert: We're coming in too fast!
Javier: Angle is off.
Hana Seung: All systems to compensate. We have to correct. Throttle down, throttle down now! Come on.
Oliver: Opticals are all offline; I've got nothing on audio either.
MMC Member: We should have heard from them by now.
Interviewer: Hana, what is it that you'll miss most about Earth?
Hana Seung: I'll miss my sister. My mother raised us on her own and she was army so we were constantly moving from place to place and never really had much of a concept of what home meant.
Joon Seung: Come on, sis.
Hana Seung: I think for me and Joon, I think for us it's more about what happens after we get there.
Interviewer: What about you Dr. Kamen, can you talk a little bit about the things you'll miss about home?
Marta Kamen: What will I miss if I don't go?
Amelie Durand: It's hard just to leave your family, I'm gonna miss their voices but, I know what I'm doing and I know what I'm leaving behind.
Robert: There is a beach in Victoria Island, Lagos. I used to sleep on the sand and wake up with salt around my nose. We are going to be breathing recycled air for a long time, I have a feeling I would trade my last thermos-stabilized tapioca pudding for a taste of that ocean air.
Javier: If humankind find a way to come together and move toward a healthy evolution, this mission will have been about more than just finding another place to live.
Interviewer: When did you first know you wanted to become an astronaut?
Ben Sawyer: As far back as I can remember. I wanted to go into space. I used to lay out under the sky when I was a child and just memorize the stars. Right from then I always wanted to be up there, you know?
Hana Seung: Mission Control, this is Daedalus. We're looking at a red planet.
Louise Varda: The Daedalus crew has done it, humankind is on Mars.
Hana Seung: Ben.
Amelie Durand: His vitals are readable, but he's still unconscious, I'm going down, I'll check on Ben.
Hana Seung: Confirm our position, I'll go save the ship.
Joon Seung: Woo!
[SCENE_BREAK]
Marta Kamen: I'm getting off nominal ratings up and down the engine systems.
Robert: Gyro circuits are offline.
Marta Kamen: Tell me what you see. What do you see?
Robert: It's not good.
Marta Kamen: How far did we overshoot?
Amelie Durand: Ben? We are coming, come on. Javier, hurry!
Elon Musk: So the long term goal is how fast can we establish a self-sustaining city on Mars.
Spacex Employee: Do we focus on just trying to get the ship there and then maybe send people some other time?
Elon Musk: I think we'd send a ship, make sure it could land OK. Assuming that lands OK and it seems to be working, on the next Mars mission we would send people, and additional equipment. You just need a lot of equipment to keep people alive on Mars.
Jim Green: And so we're gonna want to assemble as much of a base as we possibly can. So some of that will have to be landed first, may have to be robotically put together, and we may have to do it in stages.
Andy Weir: Prepositioning a base camp is really the only plausible way to do a manned mission to Mars, let alone a colony.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You would need oxygen, you would need water, then you would need food, a source of calories.
Casey Dreier: How do you generate power on Mars, we're gonna pre-position solar panels, but you can only generate so much energy from solar panels, what if you're caught in a dust storm?
Robert Zubrin: We can pre-position a reactor to make power, to make propellant, maybe even additional habitats.
Stephen Petranek: You would send machines to make oxygen, machines that suck water out of the atmosphere.
John Grunsfeld: You really need to send 3d printers so people can build their own things on Mars.
Robert Zubrin: And then we'd land a crew near those facilities.
Elon Musk: I think the first few missions people would live in the ship so that the most important thing really would be just to make sure that we land OK, and don't damage the ship.
Stephen Petranek: But you can't live there very long, cosmic radiation is gonna penetrate the ship.
Robert Zubrin: And what happens if your landing is off course? That is a real problem.
Stephen Petranek: There are so many things that could go wrong, and there's no help. There's no emergency supply rocket that's coming right away.
Ben Sawyer: Our biggest challenge on this mission is gonna be everyday survival you know.
Amelie Durand: Ben, Ben, can you hear me? His respirator is damaged. We got to get his helmet off. Secure his spine, we're gonna move him.
Javier: Yeah, OK, buddy.
Amelie Durand: OK.
Ben Sawyer: Ugh.
Javier: You OK, buddy?
Amelie Durand: You passed out during the landing. We need to check on you.
Ben Sawyer: I'm OK, I'm OK.
Amelie Durand: Hey, we made it.
Oliver: Telemetry indicates the RCS remained offline for the first 91 seconds of entry.
Ava: I've got Daedalus position back online.
MMC Employee: How bad?
Ed Grann: Put sat on the board.
Joon Seung: How far are they from base camp? How far?
Sam: 75.3 kilometers.
Hana Seung: We're cross checking all remaining life support resources now. But unless Daedalus can tether to the infrastructure at base camp, it's only a matter of time.
Ed Grann: There has to be a way to make a suborbital flight to get Daedalus to base camp.
Sam: There's barely enough fuel to get them off the ground.
Joon Seung: They're all alone up there, what are we telling them guys?
Oliver: Showing enough residual propellant in the system to make a single burst, but they're going to come down hard.
Ava: Even harder as they just did. Landing loads were off the chart.
Sam: She's right, Mae is showing engine damage from the off-nominal landing. If they can't make any repairs, fuel won't make a difference anyway.
Joon Seung: What is Ben's status?
Amelie Durand: I can see substantial blunt trauma from impact. I want to do a full battery of scans as soon as the equipment is prepped and calibrated.
Ben Sawyer: I said I'm fine. It's just the transition from micro-G's.
Amelie Durand: Ben, I need to run proper tests.
Ben Sawyer: I understand, I need to know our status first.
Hana Seung: How long do we have?
Marta Kamen: Life support status says we've got three more days of breathable air.
Ed Grann: Daedalus isn't supposed to operate independently from base camp. It's just not viable. Come on, let's fix this, it's our guys up there.
Marta Kamen: Engines are still offline.
Hana Seung: Robert, did you troubleshoot the propellant flow control?
Robert: Nothing I do to the electronics will fix the engines. I can't get the ship moving without a resupply from home. I can't get the ship moving without a resupply from home.
Hana Seung: No chance of bunny hopping Daedalus to base camp. There's no fix.
Robert: I could fix this if I had the 3D printer from the Russian workshop. I could fix this if I had the 3D printer from the Russian workshop.
Joon Seung: The Russian workshop module. It has independent environmental systems. And it was pre-positioned for access to candidate lava tubes.
Sam: It'd be tight, but...
Joon Seung: What if we call that the new base camp?
Ava: If they upgrade the environmental control systems and air and water recycling.
Oliver: They'd have a chance.
Sam: That doesn't solve the transportation problem.
Joon Seung: Can we get the rover to them?
Oliver: Checking the route.
Sam: I'll check max payload.
Oliver: The terrain approaching Daedalus is complex, a fair amount of subsidence, portions that may not be stable.
Ed Grann: Can they do it, or not?
Sam: Their satellite view is in and out, we have to hand off rover command and control and let Daedalus navigate the local topography.
Joon Seung: Do they have an option?
Mae: Initiating override, transferring remote rover control to Daedalus.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Marta Kamen: You're lost, you must be lost.
Robert: You sound like my ex-wife.
Marta Kamen: You're lost, you must be lost.
Robert: You sound like my ex-wife.
Ed Grann: Show me their progress.
Sam: Maneuvering that last kilometer of terrain from here will be painfully slow.
Marta Kamen: You should have let me drive.
Javier: Nothing on the externals.
Robert: I told you, I'm not lost. Daedalus. Daedalus!
Javier: That's our girl. It's such a beautiful thing. About time something goes right.
Ben Sawyer: We trained for every eventuality that it started to feel like we'd already landed on Mars, like we'd already succeeded in our mission, but we hadn't. We were leaving the ship that was supposed to have sustained us for our first two years on Mars. The mission to find a new home in this place was going to be hard. Harder than any of us had imagined.
Amelie Durand: Ben, I need to run a full body scan on you.
Ben Sawyer: Listen, priority is getting the crew to base camp, you understand? After that I'm all yours.
Hana Seung: It's time.
Ben Sawyer: Great, I'll see you down there.
Hana Seung: Are you OK?
Ben Sawyer: Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. For that brief moment, our pain and worries were gone, there was no speech, no theater, there was only awe that we had arrived. And the acceptance that we were just beginning.
Ann Druyan: If I could talk to the first people to stand on the surface of Mars, I would ask them to remember that everything they're about to see, they'll be seeing for our whole species, they'll be experiencing, living a dream that our recent ancestors would have deemed impossible. And it's not just science fiction anymore, there are people on this planet right this moment that are actually planning and working to perfect the machinery that's necessary to make that possible.
Mission Control: T-minus 4 minutes.
Peter Diamandis: We've reached a tipping point. Thousands of years from now, whatever we become, whoever we are, we'll look back at these next few decades as the moment in time that we are moving off this planet as a multi-planetary species.
Mission Control: VC and DC verify F9 and Dragon are in startup. F9 is in startup.
Peter Diamandis: And SpaceX stands as nothing less than a massive game changer.
Mission Control: Stage one, stage two, pressing for flight.
Stephen Petranek: Elon Musk says the only reason that I have founded this company is to get human beings to Mars.
Mission Control: LC LD go for launch.
Stephen Petranek: The key to making Mars economical is the reusability of rockets.
Mission Control: T-minus 1 minute.
Elon Musk: I just don't think there's any way to have a self-sustaining Mars base without reusability. Getting the cost down is really fundamental. If wooden sailing ships in the old days were not reusable, I don't think the United States would exist.
Mission Control: T-minus 30 seconds.
Stephen Petranek: And if they nail this ability to land a rocket anyway they want on Earth, then they can nail doing it on Mars.
Mission Control: T-minus 15.
Lars Blackmore: This flight is a huge deal. We haven't yet landed the rocket. So this is gonna be hopefully our first successful landing.
Mission Control: T-minus 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, 0. We have lift off. Vehicle has reached maximum pressure. Stage one propulsion is still not working. Altitude 32 kilometers, speed at 1 kilometer per second, down range distance 13 kilometers.
Casey Dreier: Space is defined by the strange relationship between failure, risk, and innovation. Which is you can take risks, you can try something very innovative, but you're more likely to fail.
Robert Zubrin: Some people say that the challenges of a Mars mission are excessively formidable. I entirely disagree. I believe that far from being the weak link in the chain, human ingenuity, and the human psyche is gonna be the strongest link in the chain.
James A. Lovell: There's a segment of people in this world that live on the edge. The talent of these people is evaluating the risk and always the rewards. If you figure that the reward is worth the risk. That yeah, it's risky, I know I could get killed doing this, but it's doing something that man had not done before. So is it worth it? Mhm, it's worth it.
Robert: Mission control confirmed the rover is 2000 kilos over maximum payload with all of us aboard.
Hana Seung: I ran the numbers, the odds are we won't make it.
Ben Sawyer: Yeah, but someone will. Come on... Let's get to work. We had 75 kilometers ahead of us. Over brutal terrain, and a rover thousands of kilos over capacity. Even if we made it that far, our new base camp was a workshop that would barely hold us all. Temperatures would drop to minus 70 degrees before nightfall, and the only help we had was somewhere up there on a little blue dot.
Elon Musk: Mars will be the greatest adventure ever.
Hana Seung: I'm looking at a red planet.
Narrator: "MARS, a global event series, Monday, November 14, at 9:00pm. On the National Geographic Channel."
Hana Seung: People sometimes ask me, "how did you know you wanted to go to space?" When I was younger I felt like... Do you copy? I didn't really fit anywhere. My mom used to tell me to get my head out of the clouds. I eventually realized that the only place I wanted to be...
Mission Control: 3, 2, 1...
Hana Seung: ... Was above them.
Narrator: "Before MARS", a National Geographic digital short film, available to watch now. | Plan: A: 2033; Q: When did the first human mission to Mars enter Mars's atmosphere? A: the red planet's atmosphere; Q: What does the first human mission to Mars enter? A: a life-threatening emergency; Q: What does the crew of the Daedalus face when the ship's landing system goes offline? A: The crew's commander; Q: Who risks his life to fix the problem? A: mission control; Q: Who monitors the Daedalus from Earth? A: the present-day documentary; Q: In what documentary does SpaceX attempt to land the world's first reusable rocket? A: SpaceX; Q: Who attempts to land the world's first reusable rocket? A: the critical technology; Q: What is SpaceX trying to pioneer? A: humans; Q: Who is the first to reach Mars? Summary: In 2033, the first human mission to Mars enters the red planet's atmosphere but the crew of the Daedalus faces a life-threatening emergency when the ship's landing system goes offline. The crew's commander risks his life to fix the problem as mission control monitors back on Earth. In the present-day documentary, SpaceX attempts to land the world's first reusable rocket in order to pioneer the critical technology that will help humans reach Mars. |
EXT. APARTMENT COMPLEX - DAY
DONOVAN: (INTO PHONE) It's always about him. He called me at seven thirty last night, expecting me to drop whatever I was doing, just because he was available. No, I didn't have any plans, but that's not the point. I'm not crazy about his friends, either. None of them are married. The point is I know where this is leading. Nowhere. Yeah, I guess so. Give me a half hour to wash up. I'll meet you there. No, I'm listening. Somebody sent me a package. I don't know. Whatever it is... it's cold.
(DONOVAN SCREAMS)
(MUSIC OUT)
(THEME MUSIC UP OVER OPENING TITLE/SCENES/ CREDITS AND OUT)
MUSIC IN:
INT. AUTOPSY ROOM - DAY
DUCKY: My my... you are hypnotic, aren't you? No thank you, Mister Palmer. Better to poke around with these. Did you know the word autopsy comes from the Greek, meaning to see for one's self?
JIMMY: They didn't offer Greek at my high school.
DUCKY: Oh perhaps we should try Latin then. Are you familiar with the term keratoplasty?
JIMMY: Ah, cornea transplant surgery.
DUCKY: Oh, then your education did pay off.
JIMMY: My mother will be pleased to hear that.
(SFX: DOORS SLIDE OPEN)
GIBBS: What do we know, Duck?
DUCKY: I've only just started, Jethro. How did these come into our possession?
GIBBS: They were in a package delivered to a Petty Officer. Mailman put them in the wrong box. Neighbor opened them up and scared the hell out of her.
DUCKY: I should imagine so. Well, these have been enucleated, and preserved with skill and care by a surgeon. Assuming they're as healthy as they appear, transplantation would be the inevitable conclusion. I don't necessarily need your body to discover what happened to you. They say that the eyes are the windows to the soul.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY
KATE: Wow. I'm impressed. You can actually sleep with your eyes open.
TONY: Yeah, I'm meditating.
KATE: Yeah, on how much you drank last night or trying to remember her name.
TONY: I don't kiss and tell, Kate.
MCGEE: Since when? I know more about your s*x life than I do my own, Tony.
TONY: That's not hard to believe, Probie, considering you don't have one.
KATE: Gibbs wants to know everything there is to know about this package. And if I were you I wouldn't let him catch you napping.
TONY: Thanks for the advice, but I got it covered.
GIBBS: Anybody, talk to me.
KATE: Well, I'm checking with eye banks and the MTCs that handle tissue and organ donation.
GIBBS: Any of them missing a set of blue eyes?
KATE: Well, I haven't heard back from them yet.
MCGEE: Ah... no return address on the package, Boss, but I did contact the post office.
GIBBS: Yeah, and?
MCGEE: They are running the tracking number from the barcode. Yeah, I'm going to call them back right now.
TONY:
TONY: Package was addressed to a Petty Officer Second Class Benjamin Horlacher, stationed in Dam Neck. Currently on a seventy-two, due back tomorrow. Now that's a seventy two hour leave there, Katie. He's a student at the Navy and Marine Corps Intelligence Training Center. Been living at that address since last September. Military records are clean. (CONT.) The only things that stand out are a speeding ticket two months ago and he didn't pay is cable bill last week.
GIBBS: Good to know somebody is working around here.
KATE: (INTO PHONE) Thank you. (TO GIBBS) So far no one's reported missing a pair of cobalt blues, Gibbs.
MCGEE: The package was shipped two days ago from Ciudad del Este, Paraguay.
TONY: Paraguay. The T-B-A. That's the Tri-Border Area. It's where Paraguay, Argentina, and Brazil meet. It's a base of operations for smugglers, drug trafficking, illegal organ trafficking.
GIBBS: And Hezbollah and Al Qaeda cells.
TONY: All right, we'll meet you out front, Boss. We're going to Dam Neck!
KATE: You didn't move all morning. How did you know that?
TONY: Work smarter, not harder, Katie. You'll live longer. Probie, I want to know who shipped that package from Paraguay soon as I get back.
MCGEE: You got it Boss - uh, Tony.
TONY: Let's move it, Kate!
[SCENE_BREAK]
EXT. APARTMENT COMPLEX - DAY
ROBINSON: Believe me, this isn't the first time that fool mailman put stuff in the wrong box. I got a video of some college girls just last week flashing their you-know-whats.
KATE: When's the last time you saw Petty Officer Horlacher, Ma'am?
ROBINSON: A couple days ago.
TONY: What can you tell us about him?
ROBINSON: He's quiet. He keeps to himself. He's got a girlfriend.
GIBBS: Do they live together?
ROBINSON: Who knows these days? She comes and goes. I think he made her a key. It's a violation of the lease, but I looked the other way.
GIBBS: We'd like to look at Horlacher's apartment. Is that a problem?
ROBINSON: Considering what was in that package? Please do. I see you're not wearing a wedding ring, Agent Gibbs. Maybe you'd like to inspect that video with me when you're done?
TONY: He is single.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. APARTMENT - DAY
ROBINSON: Now how does a fine man like that stay single?
KATE: Well, he didn't. He's been married three times.
ROBINSON: Hmm...
KATE: I'll let you know when we're finished, Ms. Robinson.
ROBINSON: Okay.
(DOOR CLOSES)
KATE: Wow. I'll take the bedroom.
GIBBS: This guy is already in trouble. Girlfriend's taken over.
TONY: Maybe not. Killing Fields, Undercover Agent.
KATE: (V.O.) There's make up in the bathroom. (ON CAMERA) There's women's clothes in his closet. But I can't say much for her taste.
GIBBS: Let's see if we can find out her name.
KATE: Right.
(DOOR OPENS)
HORLACHER: Who the hell are you?
GIBBS: Petty Officer Benjamin Horlacher? NCIS.
HORLACHER: What's going on, Sir?
GIBBS: We're here to investigate a package delivered to you, opened by mistake by your neighbor. Sent from Ciudad del Este, Paraguay.
TONY: It contained human organs. A pair of eyes.
HORLACHER: Eyes? You've got to be kidding me, Sir.
GIBBS: Where've you been the last couple of days, Petty Officer?
HORLACHER: On a seventy-two, visiting my family in New Jersey.
TONY: You're training to be an intelligence analyst at Dam Neck?
HORLACHER: Yes, Sir.
TONY: What area of the world do you cover there, Petty Officer?
HORLACHER: Central and South America.
KATE: Have you ever been to Paraguay?
HORLACHER: Never. Look, I don't know what's going on here, but I'm sure there's...
GIBBS: Maybe your girlfriend does.
HORLACHER: I don't have a girlfriend.
KATE: So what woman is keeping all of her clothes in your bedroom?
HORLACHER: We broke up a month ago. She hasn't come back yet to pick up her stuff. I'm telling you I don't know anything about eyes. Shouldn't you have a warrant or something to be in here?
GIBBS: You keep yourself available, Petty Officer. We'll have more questions for you.
HORLACHER: Yes, Sir.
(DOOR CLOSES)
[SCENE_BREAK]
EXT. APARTMENT - DAY
KATE: There was an open lipstick in the bathroom. The girlfriend's still living there, Gibbs.
TONY: Definitely hiding something.
GIBBS: Oh, yeah.
TONY: So why are we letting him walk?
GIBBS: We're not. You two are staying here. Watch him. I want to know what he does next. (INTO PHONE) Yeah, Abs?(PHONE RINGS B.G.)
(BEGIN TELEPHONE INTERCUTS)
(SCENE CUT)
DUCKY: Jethro, can you hear me?
ABBY: He can hear you.
GIBBS: (V.O./FILTERED) What do you got?
DUCKY: Well, I... I'm sorry. Ladies first.
ABBY: That is so sweet.
DUCKY: Oh it's a pleasure, I'm sure.
GIBBS: (V.O./FILTERED) Today, Abby.
ABBY: Okay. (V.O./FILTERED) So I ran the DNA (ON CAMERA) through AF-DIL. I didn't get a match, but we can definitely start calling ol' Blue Eyes a Jane Doe. Those babies are female.
DUCKY: And yes, I think you'd like to know that Ms. Doe gave up her eyes un-willingly.
(SCENE CUT)
GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) How do you know?
DUCKY: (V.O./FILTERED) Well, at first blush the eyes...
(SCENE CUT)
DUCKY: ...Seemed flawless. But careful dissection showed a large intraorbital hematoma.
(SCENE CUT)
GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Meaning?
DUCKY: (V.O./FILTERED) Jethro...
(SCENE CUT)
DUCKY: If you slice into an eye like you would, say an egg, you risk nicking the blood vessels. But if you gingerly peal apart the eye layer by layer like an onion...
(SCENE CUT)
DUCKY: (V.O./FILTERED) ... Then you can be sure...
GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Ducky, the short version.
(SCENE CUT)
DUCKY: Cardiac arrest. I found abnormally high levels of potassium in the vitreous and (V.O./FILTERED) Choroids of both eyes. I'd say (ON CAMERA) she was most likely poisoned. Jethro, did you know (V.O./FILTERED) that corneal transplantation dates back to nineteen oh five? (ON CAMERA) One source of tissue back then were prisoners on death row. Who - Jethro?
(BEEP TONE)
ABBY: He's not there.
DUCKY: Oh, we lost the connection.
ABBY: No, he hung up.
DUCKY: Oh.
ABBY: But you can tell me the rest of the story. Go back to the part where you were peeling the layers off the eyeball.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. CAR - PARKED
KATE: Wake up!
TONY: I am awake.
KATE: Would you turn the heat up, please? I'm freezing.
TONY: Can't. Smoke from the tailpipe would give away our position.
KATE: Great. Can't feel my legs here.
TONY: We could do what the Eskimos do to keep warm.
KATE: What's that?
TONY: They press their bodies together. Of course, the effect is greatly improved if you're naked.
KATE: There's not enough liquor on the planet to make that happen, Tony.
TONY: I wasn't suggesting the naked part. But if you want to freeze... freeze.
KATE: I need a vacation.
TONY: Where would you go?
KATE: Ooh, someplace warm. Somewhere where there's no cell phone reception.
TONY: The tropics.
KATE: Oh yes. The tropics would be nice. Horlacher's light just went off.
TONY: Well, he's probably going to bed. It's midnight.
KATE: I'm glad. Do you think we're going to have to stay here all night?
TONY: Why don't you call Gibbs and find out?
KATE: Why don't you call Gibbs and find out?
TONY: Because I know the answer.
KATE: Oh, I need a vacation.
(SFX: GUNSHOT)
(CAR DOORS OPEN)
(MUSIC OVER ACTION/KATE AND TONY RUN TOWARD THE APARTMENT)
ROBINSON: What the hell!?
KATE: Get back in your apartment!
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. APARTMENT - NIGHT
(DOOR CRASHES OPEN)
(DIALOGUE ON TV CONTINUES AS TONY AND KATE WALK TO THROUGH THE APARTMENT)
WOMAN ON TV: I'm blackmailed.
MAN ON TV: You always did over-dramatize things. Let's say you're just taking out insurance.
WOMAN ON TV: I haven't any money. Not the kind you want.
MAN ON TV: No?
WOMAN ON TV: No.
MAN ON TV: But your adopted family has.
WOMAN ON TV: You think I'd ask them for money for you?
MAN ON TV: You don't ask. You're a woman, aren't you? Use your head.
WOMAN ON TV: No.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT
TONY: Clear.
WOMAN: No, I won't do it.
TONY: He had a secret all right.
(MUSIC OUT)
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. BEDROOM - DAY
GIBBS: What do you have, Duck?
DUCKY: Well, it's a sad situation, Jethro. Even in today's enlightened age, transexualism is terribly misunderstood. His identity as a male...
JIMMY: Doctor?
DUCKY: Yes, Mister Palmer?
JIMMY: I think Agent Gibbs was referring more to the forensic aspect of the... situation. Maybe.
DUCKY: Has head-slapping been effective for you, Jethro?
GIBBS: Yeah, look at the way DiNozzo turned out.
DUCKY: Now the pattern of gunpowder residue on the exit wound on his back suggests the weapon was held directly over the heart. Death was instantaneous. In all probability, he took his own life.
MCGEE: Boss, don't most suicides shoot themselves in the head?
GIBBS: Men. Not women.
MCGEE: I guess he didn't think of himself as a man.
KATE: She must have known that her secret was going to come out.
TONY: Don't you mean he must've known that his secret was going to come out?
KATE: Psychosexually speaking, Tony, Horlacher was a woman trapped in a man's body. And when she killed herself, she freed herself. Thus the note.
MCGEE: Hey, you know what this reminds me of? Pacci's suspect that we were staking out last year.
KATE: That's right! The beautiful pre-op transsexual who seduced Tony.
TONY: She didn't seduce me. I was undercover.
KATE: Yeah, well didn't you stick your tongue down...
TONY: I took one for the team, all right? Someone had to keep her occupied.
MCGEE: Don't you mean him? (KNOCKS OVER COFFEE CUP - LONG BEAT) I'm sorry. Sorry, Boss. Uh... I'm sorry. I'll get you a fresh one. It was black, right? Black it is.
GIBBS: You didn't see anyone else enter or leave?
KATE: No. She was here alone.
GIBBS: All right, check his phone records. Maybe he made some other phone calls while he was deciding to off himself.
TONY: Already on it. I'll have them tomorrow.
KATE: I'm thinking there was no girlfriend, Gibbs, that he was just living a double life.
TONY: Puts a whole new spin on don't ask, don't tell.
GIBBS: And I'm more interested in the cross-dressing sailor who's getting body parts in the mail spin. Get he-she's laptop to Abby.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. LAB - DAY
ABBY: Hey, Gibbs! You're just in time. Okay, from the outside it looks like a normal laptop. But on the inside... voila! Fortified with the kind of data encryption that only someone with something to hide would have.
MCGEE: The Petty Officer's protocols are more sophisticated than any P-G-P or D-E-S software I've seen.
ABBY: At first, we didn't even understand his obfuscation algorithm!
MCGEE: Really hardcore stuff.
ABBY: Very, very hardcore.
GIBBS: Did you get in, or not?
ABBY: Yeah.
MCGEE: And no.
ABBY: There's just one layer we haven't cracked yet.
MCGEE: But we did get Petty Officer Horlacher's blog.
ABBY: It's a personal internet journal. Web log. Blog. Get it?
GIBBS: Pig Latin?
MCGEE: Actually, that would be ebway oglay. Pig Latin adds way to words starting with vowels, and ay to words starting with consonants after moving the part of the word ... but I'm sure you knew that already.
GIBBS: Did the blog say anything useful?
ABBY: It's mostly men are from the Mars' stuff. He was very interested in the differences between men and women.
GIBBS: Men are from where?
ABBY: Mars, Gibbs, and women are from Venus.
MCGEE: It's a famous book about relationships and communication between the sexes.
ABBY: There was a TV show, and a board game, and the guy wrote like ten sequels. I'm beginning to understand why you were married three times.
GIBBS: Abby?
ABBY: Come look at it for yourself.
GIBBS: (READS) Inside every good man there is a better woman. L-O-L?
MCGEE: That's laughing out loud. Which, of course, can be topped by-
ABBY: R-O-T-F-L-O-L.
MCGEE: Rolling on the floor laughing out loud.
GIBBS: Keep looking. Horlacher was leading two different lives. I want to know everything there is to know about both of them. A-S-A-P!
ABBY: Onway itway, ibbsgay!
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY
KATE: (V.O.) There was a time I would have killed for a pair of eyes like that.
TONY: You think she was a blonde or a brunette?
KATE: What difference does it make?
TONY: I love brunettes. I'll bet she was beautiful.
KATE: Are you telling me that you're attracted to a disembodied set of eyeballs?
TONY: Weird, huh?
KATE: More like disturbing.
TONY: It's kind of like that movie Laura.
KATE: Laura?
TONY: Yeah. Old movie by Otto Preminger. It's about a cop who falls in love with a painting of a girl whose head's been blown off by a shotgun.
KATE: Sounds romantic.
TONY: You have no idea. Jean Tierney was a goddess.
GIBBS: What do we have?
KATE: Well, I called Petty Officer Horlacher's family. He lied about paying them a visit over the weekend. They hadn't heard from him in over a year.
TONY: Still can't find a connection to Paraguay, Boss. He never deployed overseas. Doesn't even have a passport.
KATE: Yeah, and what I want to know is how a suicidal transvestite attended a top-secret intelligence school without anybody noticing.
GIBBS: You contact his faculty advisor yet?
KATE: I was just about to.
TONY: Name's Lieutenant Commander Guyman Purcell, Retired. Got his PhD in South American studies. I think we should interview him.
GIBBS: Yeah? Why's that?
TONY: According to Horlacher's phone records, he called the Commander right before he killed himself.
GIBBS: That's good work, Tony. Get the car.... Kate.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. LECTURE HALL - DAY
(SFX: BOARD SLIDES)
PURCELL: Okay, now that we've learned a little bit about recruiting double agents, let's take a moment to consider some of the risks involved. Anybody?
GIBBS: DiNozzo, would you like to become left-handed?
KATE: You going for your brown-nose badge this week?
TONY: You're just jealous 'cause it's working.
PURCELL: Yes, Ms. Ellsworth. What kind of a risk does a double agent pose?
ELLSWORTH: He could double cross you back, Sir?
PURCELL: Exactly. You have just convinced someone to betray that which he holds dearest. His country. His family. Perhaps even himself. These are weak-minded individuals. If your recruit proves untrustworthy, he must be either coerced or abandoned. But nothing can jeopardize the mission.
[SCENE_BREAK]
EXT. BUILDING - DAY
PURCELL: Petty Officer Horlacher is a decent student. That's all I know about him really.
GIBBS: Did you cover Ciudad del Este in your class?
PURCELL: The Tri-Border Area. Of course, why?
GIBBS: Horlacher got a package from there.
KATE: Inside were a pair of human eyes.
TONY: Cut out of a woman's head.
PURCELL: God, that's horrible. What did the Petty Officer say about it?
GIBBS: Claims to not know anything about it.
KATE: Did you ever spend personal time with him outside of class, Mister Purcell?
PURCELL: In my field, the students tend to see their instructors as larger than life. It's best not to get too attached.
GIBBS: So that would be a no?
PURCELL: Am I being interrogated for some reason?
GIBBS: Depends.
PURCELL: On what, Agent Gibbs?
GIBBS: Why he called you last night.
PURCELL: Many of my students call me at home. Last night Benjamin wanted to know if I'd give him an extension on a paper due this week.
GIBBS: Did you give it to him?
PURCELL: Yes.
GIBBS: Good. He could use it.
PURCELL: He's in trouble?
GIBBS: He's dead.
KATE: Killed himself last night.
TONY: Right after he got off the phone with you.
PURCELL: I don't know what to say.
GIBBS: Why don't we start with that you said to him?
PURCELL: Well, this wasn't the first time he asked for an extension. I was hard on him. I told him if he couldn't keep up I'd drop him from the course. It would ruin his career. I was trying to motivate him, Agent Gibbs, hold his feet to the fire. I never thought he'd-
GIBBS: Jump in?
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY
KATE: The retired Lieutenant Commander's got his own consulting business. Purcell Security Group. They specialize--
TONY: Intelligence work, Boss. They've got several high paying government contracts. The biggest one's is--
KATE: Southcom. He travelled back and forth to Paraguay ten times in the last six months. And the area he's been working--
TONY: Ciudad del Este. I'm thinking this guy's a spook or working for spooks.
KATE: (IN UNISON)... Or working for spooks. Everything concerning his consulting work has been flagged way above my clearance.
GIBBS: Great, because I hate spooks. (INTO PHONE) Yeah, Gibbs. Okay, we're on our way. (TO KATE) Abby thinks she found the body that goes with those.
KATE: Yes!
MUSICAL BRIDGE TO:
INT. LAB - CLOSE ON SCREEN
PURCELL: (ON TV) Business in Central and South America comes with its own special set of problems. Are you working in a hostile environment? Are you dealing with corrupt or untrustworthy local officials? My course can make the difference between success and failure. Life and death.
MCGEE: And there's about four hours of online instruction classes associated with this website. They were bookmarked on Petty Officer Horlacher's hard drive.
ABBY: And after watching them, I can say with certainty Purcell needs a charisma bypass.
KATE: What does this have to do with the eyeballs, Abby?
MCGEE: Well, Horlacher accessed this J-peg file twenty two times last week.
ABBY: Look familiar?
TONY: Oh, I was right. She is beautiful.
GIBBS: How can you be sure it's her?
ABBY: Because iris patterns are more distinctive than fingerprints.
TONY: More accurate too, Boss.
ABBY: The video is grainy, and the angles aren't perfect. The lighting is--
GIBBS: Abby, is it her or not?
ABBY: It's an eighty percent match, Gibbs. I think we've got our girl.
(MUSIC OUT)
MUSIC IN:
INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY
TONY: (V.O.) A dead transsexual sailor, his spook instructor and a pair of human eyes walk into a bar. (ON CAMERA) What's the punch line, Kate?
KATE: Whatever it is, it involves this girl and Paraguay.
TONY: That's true, but not very funny. Probie, make me laugh.
MCGEE: Okay, uh...yeah, the bartender doesn't believe it, so he asks the spook instructor what the hell is going on. And the guy says, "What? A guy can't have a drink with his pupils?" (BEAT) Nothing? Oh, come on. That was pretty funny...
GIBBS: You think this is a joke, McGee?
MCGEE: Uh, no? No, I don't, Boss.
GIBBS: Good answer. Tony, you're with me in MTAC. Kate, get Purcell in here. We need to talk.
MCGEE: He hates me, doesn't he?
KATE: Well, hate's a pretty strong word.
TONY: More like a mild dislike.
KATE: You did spill his coffee.
GIBBS: (SHOUTS) Today, DiNozzo!
KATE: Gibbs will get over it.
MCGEE: When?
KATE: Well, let's see. Last year Tony spilled his coffee and he warmed up to him about... an hour ago. So roughly eight to ten months.
MCGEE: Okay.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. MTAC - DAY
BUSHNELL: (ON MONITOR) I got your e-mail, Special Agent Gibbs. To tell you the truth, I was shocked. When did you learn to use a computer.
GIBBS: Well, times change, Colonel.
BUSHNELL: (ON MONITOR) That they do, Gunny. I've got two grandkids now. I heard you got remarried again.
GIBBS: Ah... that didn't work out.
BUSHNELL: (ON MONITOR) Well, then again, some things don't change. How can the Southern Command help you today?
GIBBS: I'm investigating a civilian contractor working out of the Tri-Border Area in Paraguay.
BUSHNELL: (ON MONITOR) Name?
GIBBS: Guyman Purcell.
BUSHNELL: (ON MONITOR) Yeah, I've heard of him. Oh yeah, he's part of a TAT, Tactical Analysis Team, we have in Ciudad del Este. What's your interest in him?
GIBBS: One of his students committed suicide after receiving a pair of female eyeballs in the mail from T-B-A. We think Purcell knew the victim.
BUSHNELL: (ON MONITOR) Body parts in the mail generally denote kidnapping. Eyes?
GIBBS: Well, yeah. That does send a hell of a message, Sir.
BUSHNELL: (ON MONITOR) Someone's putting pressure on Purcell. But why?
GIBBS: That's what I want to find out.
BUSHNELL: (ON MONITOR) Our TATs work with a few other agencies, and they're not always as forthcoming with information as I would like. But when's that ever stopped us? To old times, Gunny.
GIBBS: Old times, Skipper. Old times.
(MTAC CLICKS OFF)
TONY: What's that supposed to mean?
GIBBS: You ask me again in seven years.
TONY: Why seven years?
GIBBS: It's when the Freedom of Information Act kicks in.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. LAB - DAY
ABBY: You know that doesn't work with me. I always know when you're there! Gibbs?
(SFX: DOORS SLIDE OPEN)
ABBY: That's weird.
GIBBS: Are you looking for me?
ABBY: You are getting sneakier the older you get.
GIBBS: Not to mention better-looking. What have you got?
ABBY: Well, I'm still hacking the Petty Officer's files, but I uncovered some emails you'll be interested in. I back-traced the I.S.P. they were sent from. It's a web server in Puerto Iguazu, Argentina.
GIBBS: The Tri-Border Area.
ABBY: Si.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY
MCGEE: Escopeta seven nine four is the originator in Argentina, Boss.
TONY: Escopeta means rifle in Spanish.
MCGEE: And Shadegirl is one of Petty Officer Horlacher's private email addresses.
TONY: You be the transsexual. I'll be the rifle.
MCGEE: First exchange was three weeks ago.
TONY: I want the hundred thousand for the girl.
MCGEE: Shadegirl says her controller will pay only sixty and wants proof.
TONY: One hundred thousand. No! Escopeta repeats his demand for one hundred. Swears a bunch in Spanish.
MCGEE: Shadegirl insists on sixty and proof.
TONY: Swear, swear, swear, threat, swear.
MCGEE: And finally Shadegirl goes up to seventy five and says his controller wants proof before the money is sent.
TONY: Escopeta expresses is displeasure colorfully, and slips up. He uses a name. A hundred was the price. Tell Purcell his proof's on the way.
MCGEE: Petty Officer Horlacher was bearding for Purcell.
TONY: How does a transsexual beard, Probie?
GIBBS: Proof of a life by ripping out her eyes? I don't buy it.
TONY: Escopeta is running a kidnapping ring, Boss. They set examples. You either meet the price or the person dies.(PHONE RINGS)
GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Yeah, Gibbs.(BEGIN TELEPHONE INTERCUTS)
(SCENE CUT)
KATE: (INTO PHONE) Purcell's gone, Gibbs.
GIBBS: (V.O./FILTERED) Where?
(SCENE CUT)
KATE: (V.O./FILTERED) Well, according to one of his students...
(SCENE CUT)
KATE: (INTO PHONE) He was recalled back to Paraguay.
GIBBS: (V.O./FILTERED) You find out...
(SCENE CUT)
GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) ... What flight he's on.
KATE: (V.O./FILTERED) Already did.
(SCENE CUT)
KATE: (INTO PHONE) His flight landed at the Guarani International Airport ...
(SCENE CUT)
KATE: (V.O./FILTERED) ... Twenty minutes ago.(END TELEPHONE INTERCUTS)
GIBBS: Pack your gear. You're going to Paraguay.
TONY: Alone?
GIBBS: Take one of them with you. I'll start prepping the op from here.
MCGEE: Yes! I've always wanted to go to Paraguay!
TONY: Ha! Ai! Arriba!
MUSICAL BRIDGE TO:
EXT. STREET - DAY
TONY: Okay, which way to the Tactical Analysis Team's headquarters? El derecho o izquierda? (The right or the left)
KATE: Right.
TONY: Derecho. Ah, I should have brought more cash. Look at that. Hey, look at these guys. (TO SALESMAN) Buenos dias.
SALESMAN: Bueno.
TONY: Is this the local bridge club? Ah, it's not the tropics, but at least it's warm.
KATE: Actually, it is the tropics, Tony.
TONY: Really?
KATE: The Tropic of Capricorn to be exact.
TONY: Huh. Tropics smell kind of funny to you, Kate?
KATE: It's not the tropics Tony. It would be the plumbing.
TONY: How come we never get sent to like Paris or Hawaii?
KATE: Oh, come on. It'll be fun. And the best part... no Gibbs checking up on us.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. MTAC - DAY
GIBBS: What the hell are they doing?
MCGEE: They are stopped about fifty feet from the TAT building.
GIBBS: Well yeah, I can see that, McGee! Get them on the satellite phone.
[SCENE_BREAK]
EXT. STREET - DAY
TONY: Check this out, Kate. I-pod for thirty bucks.
KATE: First of all it says L-pod on the back. And second... there's nothing in here.
(PHONE RINGS)
(BEGIN TELEPHONE INTERCUTS)
(SCENE CUT)
TONY: (V.O./FILTERED) DiNozzo.
GIBBS: What's your location?
(SCENE CUT)
TONY: (INTO PHONE) We're looking for the TAT building right now. The town's kind of hard...
(SCENE CUT)
TONY: (V.O./FILTERED) .... To navigate.
GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) It's fifty feet right in front of you, DiNozzo!
(SCENE CUT)
TONY: (INTO PHONE) Found it. I take it the GPS chip in the phone is working well?
GIBBS: (V.O./FILTERED) Well yes is it.
(SCENE CUT)
GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Will you quit screwing around and get moving? You're not on vacation.
TONY: (V.O./FILTERED) I'm on it, Boss.
(END TELEPHONE INTERCUTS)
GIBBS: Patch me in to Colonel Bushnell.
MCGEE: On it. Switch over to Southern Command.
GIBBS: Colonel Bushnell, my team's at the link-up point.
BUSHNELL: (ON MONITOR) Their in-country guide is Joe Tabarez. He's the watch officer for the Ciudad del Este TAT. Former Marine. Good man.
GIBBS: Any word on Purcell?
BUSHNELL: (V.O.) Not since he came through customs. He hasn't checked in with any of our people. He's not in Paraguay on South Comm business.
GIBBS: What about somebody else's business, Colonel?
BUSHNELL: (ON MONITOR) Well, that's possible. I'm checking that angle now. I know somebody higher up in the chain of command is not making this easy, Jethro.
GIBBS: Yeah.(END TELEPHONE INTERCUTS)
[SCENE_BREAK]
EXT. STREET - DAY
TABAREZ: Agents DiNozzo and Todd? I'm Joe Tabarez, Tactical Analysis Team. Welcome to the middle of nowhere.
KATE: Nice to meet you.
TONY: What's the chain for?
TABAREZ: Ciudad del Este anti-theft device. Let's get inside. Don't want to get shot on your first day. (MUTTERS IN SPANISH)
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. TAT HEADQUARTERS - DAY
TABAREZ: This is the Wild West. If there's a profit in something, it's for sale. Bootlegs, drugs, guns. You name it. It's also Al Qaeda's front line in South America.
KATE: What about body parts?
TABAREZ: There's folks down here who would sell you a kidney if it meant putting food on the table. Of course, there's also folks who'd gladly take yours for the same reason, Agent Todd.
TONY: Tell us about Purcell.
TABAREZ: His intelligence work is first rate. Man's developed a lot of contacts down here.
KATE: Well, what do you think of him personally, Mister Tabarez?
TABAREZ: It's Joe... and I try not to. Off the record, Purcell's one creepy sonovabitch. What's he supposed to have done?
TONY: Shipped a pair of woman's eyeballs to a transsexual sailor who killed himself.
TABAREZ: And here I thought I'd seen it all.
TONY: Do you recognize the girl on the right?
TABAREZ: I do. It's Purcell's wife.
(MUSIC OUT)
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. MTAC ROOM - DAY
TONY: (ON MONITOR) We I.D.'d the girl in the photo, Boss.
KATE: (ON MONITOR) Name's Anna Real. Purcell married her last year in Paraguay.
GIBBS: How old is she?
KATE: (ON MONITOR) Seventeen.
TONY: (ON MONITOR) And he's been dating her for about three years.
KATE: (ON MONITOR) The b*st*rd's a pedophile, Gibbs.
GIBBS: Tabarez knew this?
TONY: (ON MONITOR) Well, he's the one who told us.
GIBBS: I want to talk to him.
KATE: (ON MONITOR) He's out trying to find Purcell.
GIBBS: Or he's having coffee with him! He looked the other way while Purcell was molesting a fourteen year old. What's that tell you two? (TO MCGEE) Get me Bushnell.
MCGEE: On it.
GIBBS: You two find me Purcell!
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. TABAREZ'S OFFICE - DAY
TABAREZ: I wasn't having coffee with him. But I know who was.
KATE: Did you report him to Southern Command?
TABAREZ: Yes, Agent Todd. I did. Look, if I had my way he'd be lying in the garbage there on the street. But he's being protected.
TONY: By who?
TABAREZ: Need to know. I don't. Welcome to the wonderful world of spooks.
TONY: Who was he having coffee with?
TABAREZ: Are you ready to see the seedy underside of Ciudad del Este?
KATE: Can it get any worse?
BUSHNELL: (V.O.) You believe I would look the other way, Gunny?
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. MTAC ROOM - DAY
GIBBS: No, Skipper. But someone in Southern Command did.
BUSHNELL: (ON MONITOR) Well I'll find out who and I'll get back to you.
GIBBS: I'm going to take him down, Colonel.
BUSHNELL: (ON MONITOR) Just make sure you don't get taken down, Jethro.
GIBBS: Special Agent McGee here's got my back.
BUSHNELL: (ON MONITOR) Yeah, right.
(MONITOR CLICKS OFF)
MCGEE: Thank you. Thank you, Boss.
GIBBS: What the hell are you doing?
MCGEE: Well, I thought that you were giving it to me.
GIBBS: To refill it, McGee!
MCGEE: Sorry, I'll get you another one.
(DOOR OPENS)
[SCENE_BREAK]
EXT. STREET - DAY
TABAREZ: (IN SPANISH) You are under arrest. Turn around slowly.
MEJIA: Ah, Joe! Why you always doing this to me!?
TABAREZ: Practicing, Iggy. I've got some friends here who want to talk to you.
MEJIA: Oh, sure. You like movies? Hey? Movies? No habla Ingles? I have DVDs. Only five American each, huh?
TONY: Five dollars for a DVD?
MEJIA: You drive a hard bargain. Only four for you.
TONY: Four bucks? Do you have any Hitchcock?
MEJIA: I have everything, my friend. I have action. I have the comedy. I have whatever you want.
KATE: Actually, we're more interested in information, Iggy.
MEJIA: You like handbags, Miss? Oh...
KATE: Luis Vuitton! Wow. It looks so real.
MEJIA: Uh-huh. Twenty dollars or two for forty.
KATE: Really?
TONY: Like the lady said. We're more interested in information, Iggy. Have you seen the girl on the right before?
MEJIA: Ah, si.
TONY: Tell me about her.
MEJIA: I heard she passed.
TONY: By passed, you mean she had her eyeballs ripped out of her skull? Yeah, Iggy, she passed.
KATE: We want to know who did it and why.
MEJIA: Life is so cheap here, Miss. Who can say why?
TONY: Purcell can. Seen him around lately?
MEJIA: Senor Purcell - he's a good man.
TABAREZ: That's not what he asked, Iggy. He wants to know if you've seen him.
MEJIA: No! No, is he in trouble or what?
(PHONE RINGS)
KATE: (INTO PHONE) Todd.
(MEJIA AND TABAREZ TALK B.G.)
KATE: (INTO PHONE) Great. Thanks, McGee. (TO TONY) He found us a hotel.
TONY: Good. We need to find Purcell. You help us, we'll help you.
MEJIA: How much for the phone?
KATE: Phone's not for sale.
MEJIA: Come on! We trade, no? All of this plus fifty dollars U.S.. Come on.
KATE: It's Government property issued to me. No.
TONY: I'll tell you what, Iggy. I'll give you the phone if you promise to tell me when Purcell contacts you.
KATE: You're not authorized to give up my phone!
TONY: Agent Todd, you are interrupting my negotiation. (TO IGGY) Deal?
MEJIA: Si. If Purcell contacts me, I tell you.
TONY: Phone number's on the back.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. MTAC ROOM - DAY
MCGEE: It's a great idea, Tony. The GPS in Kate's phone is reading loud and clear. I'll call when Iggy moves.`
TONY: (V.O./FILTERED) Roger that, Probie.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. TAT HEADQUARTERS - DAY
KATE: So do you want me to say sorry or something? You could have given him your phone, you know?
TONY: Lead agent never gives up his line of communication.
KATE: When did you become the lead agent? I thought we were a team.
TONY: We are. I'm the team leader.
KATE: So I'm the follower? I don't think so.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. MTAC ROOM - DAY
GIBBS: Oh, yeah. I've seen that look before. In Bosnia. When we returned to Brcko two days after NATO ordered us out.
BUSHNELL: (ON MONITOR) I can still smell it burning. I have been given a direct order to protect Purcell as a valuable intelligence asset.
GIBBS: Regardless of what he's done?
BUSHNELL: (ON MONITOR) Regardless of what he has done.
GIBBS: With all due respect, Colonel...
BUSHNELL: (ON MONITOR) You don't have to say it, Gunny! Only two things a Marine can do when he receives a direct order. Obey or resign.
GIBBS: You're resigning your commission?
BUSHNELL: (ON MONITOR) I will never have another Brcko on my conscience.
GIBBS: Can you find out who's protecting him?
BUSHNELL: (ON MONITOR) Someone at the farm, but I have no way of knowing who it is.
MCGEE: Sir, how do you contact him?
BUSHNELL: (ON MONITOR) Encrypted teleconference like this.
GIBBS: You've seen him?
BUSHNELL: (ON MONITOR) No. He's always in shadow. Very corny. Like some cold war film.
GIBBS: That's corny, but it's effective.
BUSHNELL: (ON MONITOR) Yeah.
MCGEE: Boss, if the Colonel can get him on a teleconference, his encrypter can patch him to us.
GIBBS: Skipper!
MUSICAL BRIDGE TO:
EXT. STREET - DAY
TONY: Where the hell are we, McGee?(BEGIN TELEPHONE INTERCUTS)
(SCENE CUT)
MCGEE: San Gusta Street near the heart of the city. Okay, he's turning left.
TONY: (V.O./FILTERED) I know...
(SCENE CUT)
TONY: (INTO PHONE) ... He turned left. I have a visual.
(SCENE CUT)
KATE: (V.O./FILTERED) He's stopping up ahead.
(SCENE CUT)
TONY: (V.O.) Who's he with?
KATE: Purcell.
(SCENE CUT)
TONY: (V.O./FILTERED) Okay, it's Purcell. Should we bring him in, Boss?
GIBBS: No.
TONY: (V.O./FILTERED) What?!
GIBBS: No, DiNozzo. You heard me. Just tail him.
(SCENE CUT)
GIBBS: Gibbs wants us to follow him.
KATE: Why?
GIBBS: Does it matter?
(SCENE CUT)
TONY: (V.O./FILTERED) They're heading into a hotel, Boss.
GIBBS: Follow. Don't engage unless you have to.
MCGEE: Iggy's altitude's increasing.
GIBBS: He's in an elevator. Third floor, DiNozzo.(END TELEPHONE INTERCUTS)
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. HOTEL CORRIDOR - DAY
(SFX: GATE DOORS SLIDE OPEN)
(MUSIC OVER ACTION/MEJIA RUNS FROM KATE)
TONY: Going somewhere, Iggy?
MEJIA: To find you, my friend. Senor Purcell he contacted me.
TONY: Did he now.
MEJIA: Si.
TONY: What's he doing here, Iggy?
MEJIA: It's a hotel. He's staying here.
KATE: Wrong answer.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. HOTEL ROOM - DAY
PURCELL: First I want you to know that I loved my wife, even if I couldn't trust her. I paid seventy five thousand American. That's a fortune down here. Why are you not dead?
ANNA: Escopeta confused me with my little sister. He killed her.
PURCELL: She would still be alive if you hadn't threatened to betray me. Goodbye, Anna.
ANNA: (SHOUTS) Do it! I'd rather be dead than spend one more day with a monster like you!
PURCELL: Close your eyes, Anna. Close your eyes.
(SFX: DOOR BURSTS OPEN)
KATE: Drop the weapon!
TONY: Oh, look at that, Kate. He was actually thinking about trying it.
KATE: You double tap the head, I'll double tap the heart.
TONY: Deal.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. MTAC ROOM - DAY
BUSHNELL: (ON MONITOR) All right, stand by. My farm contact's coming on the system... now. He's all yours, Gunny.
GIBBS: Patch me in, McGee. (TO MONITOR) Special Agent Gibbs, NCIS. You either give up Purcell, or I will personally compromise the identity of this man. Ari Haswari. Our link to Al Qaeda for a child molester. Your call.
(MONITOR CLICKS OFF)
MCGEE: What next?
GIBBS: Now we wait, McGee.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. TAT HEADQUARTERS - NIGHT
TONY: According to your "wife", you're not just getting intel on rackets in Ciudad del Este, you're actually running some of them.
KATE: Drugs, organ harvesting, child prostitution rings.
PURCELL: It's my mission to infiltrate these organizations. I'm very good at it.
KATE: And having s*x with underage children?
TONY: Once she testifies, you're going to spend the rest of your life in Leavenworth, Purcell.
PURCELL: No, you misunderstand, Agent DiNozzo. Anna wasn't threatening to tell our Government, she was threatening to tell hers.
TONY: What difference does that make?
(PURCELL LAUGHS)
(DOOR OPENS)
TABAREZ: You should have shot him while you had the chance, DiNozzo.
KATE: What - you know what he is - what he did. How could you?!
TABAREZ: The same what you do. Follow the orders, Agent Todd.
PURCELL: Now if you will excuse me, I have a job to do.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. MTAC ROOM - DAY
MCGEE: Boss, there's another encrypted transmission coming up on the system.
GIBBS: Put it up on the screen.
(MUSIC OVER ACTION/PURCELL WALKING IN PARAGUAY/ FALLING TO THE GROUND)
(MONITOR CLICKS OFF)
GIBBS: Bring our people home.
(MUSIC OVER ENDING CREDITS AND OUT) | Plan: A: Intelligence; Q: What department does the petty officer work in? A: the case; Q: What does the NCIS team start investigating when a sailor receives a pair of cobalt blue eyeballs in the mail? A: The sailor; Q: Who commits suicide during the investigation? A: Abby; Q: Who matches the eyes to a South American girl? A: Paraguay; Q: Where do Kate and Tony travel to find out the truth about the sailor's death? A: the disturbing truth; Q: What do Kate and Tony need to discover in Paraguay? Summary: When a petty officer working in Intelligence receives a pair of cobalt blue eyeballs in the mail, the NCIS team starts investigating the case. The sailor commits suicide during the investigation and after Abby matches the eyes to a South American girl in a photo with the dead man's lecturer, Kate and Tony must travel to the Triple Frontier destination of Paraguay to discover the disturbing truth. |
[Scene: Manor. Solarium. Piper's putting baby things in a basket. Prue comes in.]
Prue: Piper, have you seen slides anywhere?
Piper: By the TV.
Prue: Thank God. I thought that I lost them. Jack would've killed me.
(She gets the slides off the TV.)
Piper: Jack?
Prue: The boss is sending two employees with the best presentation to New York for a conference, all expenses paid and Jack and I are hoping he picks us.
Piper: Are you gonna sleep with him?
Prue: Piper, it is just a business trip, that is all. Who's the present for?
Piper: Lisa Kreegers baby shower.
Prue: I forgot.
Piper: I know. So did Phoebe. But I'm making it from all of us.
Prue: What's all in here?
Piper: Stuff, and I just knitted her a little baby blanket, that's all.
Prue: You knit? I didn't know that you knit.
Piper: Yeah, and I even had some extra yarn left over and I made her a little bear to match. Kinda cute, huh?
(Piper holds up a cute little blue bear.)
Prue: Oh, hi, ooh, he's adorable. (She takes the bear off Piper.) I guess this is really good practice for you, huh?
Piper: What are you talking about?
Prue: You, Dan, little Dan.
Piper: Whoa, slow down. Dan is the one that has our relationship on the fast track, not me. But don't get me wrong, he's great, but that doesn't mean I'm ready to move in with him or anything else of that nature.
Prue: (Sarcastically) You know, I just hate guys who aren't afraid to commit, they are so atypical.
Piper: It's not funny, Prue, it's a problem.
Prue: Piper, I don't really see what the problem is. I mean, you and Dan are great together and you think that you love him, right?
Piper: I think so, it's just every time I feel I'm ready to commit to him, I flash back to our little trip to the future and seeing me with Leo and
Prue: Piper, Dan is here now in the present. That's all that matters.
Piper: I know, I know. But I'm not ready for a baby shower either.
[Scene: Police station. A policeman brings in a baby. Phoebe is there talking to Morris.]
Phoebe: Come on, Morris, open your mind. This could so work.
Morris: Look, Phoebe, it's not that I don't appreciate your offer, it's just my stock in this precinct is not exactly blue chip. The last thing I need is for word to get out that I'm using psychic to solve my cases.
Phoebe: So no one needs to know. You just give me the evidence, I touch it and if I get a flash then we're in business. (She picks up a butter knife and pretends to have a premonition.) Oh my God. I see blood, flesh. You had the sausage for breakfast didn't you?
Morris: I hate sausage.
Phoebe: Little joke.
Morris: (to the other cops who are watching) Alright, people, moving along.
(Phoebe sees the baby. It's crying and three policemen are jiggling things above it.)
Phoebe: Who would bring a baby to a police station?
Morris: It was abandoned. Now, look, Phoebe
Phoebe: Abandoned? That's awful.
Morris: That's what they call a crime. Now, Phoebe
Phoebe: You know, they're really scaring him waving that rattle in this face like that. (She walks over to them.) Excuse me, officers.
(She takes the rattle off an officer and sits down in front of the baby.)
Morris: Thanks, we got it from here. (They walk away.)
Phoebe: It's okay, sweetie. It's okay. (The baby stops crying. She notices "Matthew" embroidered on the blanket.) There you go, you're okay. (to Morris) See, I told you I could help you. All babies need is love. (She takes him out of his capsule and holds him.) Oh, yeah. Big boy, huh? (Phoebe has a premonition of someone taking Matthew and then a ghost appears and zaps the guy.)
Morris: Phoebe, are you okay?
Opening Credits
[Scene: Manor. Living room. Phoebe, Piper and the baby are there. Piper's holding Matthew.]
Phoebe: So I can't figure out if the premonition was the future or the past. If it was the past, it would make sense that they would abandon him to try to save him.
Piper: Uh, you know, I'm not really good with these things.
Phoebe: They're called babies. Just do the rocking walk. He loves the rocking walk.
Piper: Are you sure it was a ghost?
Phoebe: Yeah, I think I know ghosts by now. I just can't figure out why a mean ghost would want to hurt that cute little baby.
Piper: And how did you talk Darryl into letting you take him home?
Phoebe: I just told him about the premonition. The only problem is, he said we have twenty-four hours before Social Services start asking questions.
Piper: So what are we supposed to do with him now? Raise him in the ways of witchcraft? Teach him how to fight ghosts? (Matthew starts crying.) Okay, maybe you should take him. (She gives Matthew to Phoebe.)
Phoebe: That's a good baby. A very good little baby. Okay.
(She puts Matthew in his baby capsule.)
Piper: Wow, you really are a natural at this.
Phoebe: Yeah, I can't wait to have a baby of my own some day.
Piper: I'm beginning to think Dan fell in love with the wrong sister. (Phoebe looks at her.) Nothing. Never mind. (Piper picks up the bear she made and waves it in front of him.) Hi, sweetie, do you like bears? (Matthew throws up on the bear.)
Phoebe: Yeah, he doesn't like things being waved in his face.
Piper: Obviously.
(Piper gets a towel and starts wiping Phoebe.)
Phoebe: Well, let's do him.
(The front door opens and Prue walks in.)
Prue: This better be good because my New York trip is at stake.
Phoebe/Piper: Shh!
(Prue notices Matthew.)
Prue: We have a baby?
Piper: Phoebe picked it up at the police station.
Prue: Okay, I-I-I thought that you were going to ask about a job, not a kid.
Phoebe: I was and I was trying and then this abandoned baby came in.
Prue: Abandoned?
Phoebe: Yes.
Prue: In an Eddie Bauer car seat and a blanket lined in silk?
Piper: You guys, I think he's finally falling asleep.
Prue: Okay, I don't get it. If the parents could afford such expensive stuff, then how come they couldn't keep the kid?
Phoebe: I don't think that's why he was abandoned.
Piper: Oh no. (Matthew starts making noises.) He's like a car alarm. Any sudden vibration just sets him off and there's nothing you can do to stop it.
Phoebe: She's got baby issues.
Prue: Mmm, I know.
Piper: Look, Phoebe had a vision of ghost chasing the baby.
Phoebe: And a man carrying the baby. Probably his father. Darryl said I could drop by at lunch and he could get a sketch artist to help me ID him.
Prue: Good, because the only way to find out why the ghost is after the baby by finding out who he belongs to.
Phoebe: I gotta go.
Piper: What?
Prue: Yeah, I gotta get back to work. Just keep me posted.
(Prue and Phoebe grab their coats and bags.)
Piper: Whoa, whoa, wait. You can't leave me here alone with him.
Phoebe: Piper, you're gonna be fine. Don't be afraid.
Prue: Yeah, just think of it as a test run.
Piper: I don't need a test run. I remember when Phoebe was a baby and it was hard on mum and endless and with you dropping her all the time.
Phoebe: What?
Prue: Oh, moving on, what's the point?
Piper: The point is we need things like diapers and bottles and formulas and a million other things.
Prue: I'll go shopping.
Phoebe: And I'm gonna go see Morris. You're gonna be fine okay. Just do the rocking walk. Okay? You're gonna be fine.
(Prue and Phoebe leave.)
[Scene: In a baby store. Prue has a trolley full of baby stuff. She pushes it down a diaper aisle.]
Prue: Right. (She can't reach them as they're on the top shelf. She looks around to make sure no one is around. She uses her power and two packets of diapers fly off the shelf and she catches them. You see Jack and a kid riding a scooter around the store. Jack sees Prue.)
Jack: Prue.
Prue: Jack. Hey, what are you doing here?
Jack: Getting my ass kicked by a five year old. Hey, you little rugrat, best two out of three. Come on.
Prue: So, um, how'd you find me?
Jack: Your assistant told me. But what she didn't tell me is what the hell are you doing here?
Prue: Oh, just a little bit of a family emergency.
Jack: And you needed diapers?
Prue: Yeah, they're for my cousin. My baby cousin. Matthew. Just staying with us for a day or so.
Jack: And you'd by coming back to work when?
Prue: Right after I drop this stuff off and believe me, there'll be no more interruptions after today.
Jack: Good. For a second there I thought maybe you'd changed your mind about going to New York.
Prue: Okay, wait a second. Who has been working late for the past three nights to get our presentation done?
Jack: Yeah, well, that's before I thought we had a chance to win. So when you disappeared, I figured maybe you had second thoughts.
Prue: No, I want to go to New York. And believe me, I would much rather be at work right now then trying to figure out whether to get aloe lined or-or-or velcro tabbed or elastic leg cuff thingy diapers. You wouldn't happen to know anything about diapers would?
Jack: Me? Noo. That would involve knowing something about babies which I know absolutely zero about. But what I do know something about is the Big Apple. Specifically romantic restaurants, hip clubs, secret getaways. Presentation's today at three. Plane leaves tomorrow at nine. I gotta kid to catch.
(He gets back on the scooter and rides away.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Scene: Manor. Kitchen. Piper's sitting on a stool watching Dan with the baby.]
Dan: This is called the jiggle. It gives the babies a nice warm moving around in the womb feeling.
Piper: You are absolutely amazing. I tried everything and nothing worked.
Dan: Well, it helps to come from a big family. Once you've mastered the jiggle, you'll be able to do the wave. You wanna give it a try?
Piper: No, let's not mess with a good thing.
(Piper watches Dan doing the sway on Matthew.)
Dan: You're staring.
Piper: I like seeing you this way.
(Prue comes in the back door carrying bags.)
Prue: You have no idea how expensive having a baby is. So I'll tell you. $312.46 to be exact.
Piper: No way.
Dan: Well, your timing's perfect. Cousin Matthew needs to change.
Prue: Okay. (Prue gets a blanket out of one of the bags and lays it out on the table.) Alright, there we go. (Dan puts Matthew on the blanket and Prue starts taking his diaper off.) Oh!
Piper: Ohh, that is ripe!
Prue: What does this kid live on? Wheat grass?
Dan: I can change him.
Piper: No, no. We got it.
Prue: Alright, I got hyper-allergenic wipes, diaper rash cream and super absorbent diapers.
Piper: What are we supposed to do with the...
Prue: Just toss it.
Piper: Alright.
Dan: Hey, don't forget to clean up under his (Matthew pees. It squirts up and Piper freezes it just in time before it hits them. Dan freezes too.)
Prue: Okay, so maybe only one of us should change him.
Piper: Be my guest.
Prue: On the count of three. Ready? One, two, three. (Piper unfreezes it and Prue uses her power to move it and it misses them.)
Dan: Boys will be boys.
(They continue changing Matthew. Prue tries to put the diaper on but it's too small.)
Prue: Oh, it doesn't fit, it doesn't fit.
Dan: Probably the wrong size.
Prue: How was I supposed to know what size to get?
(Dan grabs a tea towel.)
Dan: Look, I got it.
Prue: Oh, how nice.
Dan: There we go. (He turns the towel into a diaper.) How's that?
Piper: Wow, you're like MacGyver with estrogen.
Dan: Thanks... I think. Actually, cloth diapers are more environmentally friendly but harder to use. There, such a good boy.
Prue: (to Piper) Yes he is.
Piper: Alright.
Dan: If you want, I can pick up the right size on the way home.
Piper: Thanks, that'd be great.
Dan: Not a problem.
(Dan hands Matthew to Prue.)
Prue: Oh, hi.
Dan: (to Piper) See you tonight. (He leaves.)
Prue: You know what is so weird?
(She hands Matthew to Piper.)
Piper: What?
Prue: Is that, um...
Piper: Why are you giving him to me?
Prue: 'Cos I gotta go.
(She runs out the room.)
Piper: That's twice, I'm counting.
[Scene: Police station. Phoebe, Morris and a sketch artist are there. Phoebe's telling the sketch artist what the guy in her premonition looked like.]
Phoebe: I think his brows should be a little more arched and his hair a little lighter. (The sketch artist lightens his hair and arches his brows on the computer.) Yeah, that's better. Um, and his nose is bigger, wider.
Sketch Artist: So we looking for a murder suspect?
Morris: Just do me a favour, Hernandez. No questions.
Sketch Artist: I still need to know what to do with him when I'm done with the sketch. I mean, what? Do I put it on the wire, put out on APD or ship it to the psychic hotline?
Phoebe: Oh, wait, that's it, that's him.
Morris: Are you sure?
Phoebe: Positive.
Morris: Print us up a copy, run it through the data base, try to get us a name. (He looks at Morris.) Just do it.
[Cut to Prue in her office. She's receiving the fax of the man. She's on the phone with Phoebe, who's still at the station.]
Prue: Gilbert Van Lewen.
Phoebe: You know him?
Prue: Well, I know the name. His family has a huge art collection, part of which they wanted to sell when his father mysteriously died last summer. Wait, I just read somewhere that his brother died a couple of days ago too.
Phoebe: So it sounds like the ghost isn't just after baby Matthew. Hey, you wanna meet me and Morris down at the Van Lewen estate? Have a little chat with Gilbert? (Prue sees Jack and a delivery guy outside her office.) It would help to have an active power there just in case the ghost shows up.
Prue: Sure. Who wants to go to New York anyway?
Phoebe: Bye.
(They hang up. Jack comes in holding some take-away.)
Jack: Lunch is served.
[Scene: The Van Lewen's house.]
Gilbert: Alexandra, for God's sake, keep your voice down please.
Alexandra: Where's Matthew, Gilbert? What did you with him?
Gilbert: You have got to believe me. I did this for this for his own good.
Alexandra: You can't just abandon our baby. You can't just do that.
Gilbert: I had to. He would of gotten to him tomorrow at the christening, I know it. That's when he strikes. At the moment of greatest joy.
Alexandra: Okay, Gilbert, listen to me. I know that you've been under a lot of strain because of what happened to your brother, but this whole ghost thing has got to stop. Don't you understand, it's crazy. There's no such as a...
Gilbert: It's him.
(Martha comes in.)
Martha: Gilbert, you've got to get out of here now.
(The ghost appears.)
Ghost: Too late, Martha. He's next.
Martha: No, not again. I have suffered enough. Please, spare my last son.
Ghost: If he brings the baby back, perhaps.
Gilbert: Never.
(The ghost zaps Gilbert and he falls over the banister.)
Ghost: You're stuck here, Martha. I won't let you leave. Until you have watched me kill every last male in your family.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Scene: Outside the Van Lewen's house. There's police and paramedics there. Prue pulls up in her car and walks over to Phoebe and Morris.]
Prue: Hey, what's going on?
Morris: Apparently Gilbert Van Lewen fell over the banister. I think the medical examiner is going to list the cause of death as accidental.
Phoebe: Sure have been a lot of accidents around here lately.
Morris: Yeah, well, welcome to homicide.
Prue: Poor Matthew.
Morris: We don't know for sure that Gilbert was his father.
Phoebe: Well, we have to find out for sure.
Morris: Whoa, hold it. Number one - this isn't my crime scene, number two - you ain't cops, remember?
Phoebe: Darryl, we can not just walk away from this.
Prue: We have to find out whether this is Matthew's home or not.
(They walk inside. There's a cop standing at the doorway.)
Morris: They're with me.
Cop: Let me guess. Your psychic friends?
Morris: Let me guess. You wanna be a metre man? Who called it in?
Cop: The victims mother. Martha Van Lewen. She's around the corner.
Morris: (to Prue and Phoebe) I'll do all the talkin to Mrs. Van Lewen. Are we clear?
Prue: Perfectly.
(Morris walks up to Martha.)
Morris: Mrs. Van Lewen, I'm Inspector Morris. I'm terribly sorry for your loss.
Martha: Thank you.
Morris: I just have a couple of questions for you and your daughter in law.
Martha: Well, Alexandra's off resting. She's in a great deal of pain.
Morris: Of course. She's with her baby then?
Martha: No, my grandson's staying at his aunts. I'm sorry, Inspector. I really don't feel like talking.
(Phoebe and Prue walk upstairs.)
Morris: I understand and again, my sincerest condolences.
[Cut to upstairs. Prue and Phoebe walk into a baby's room. Phoebe sees a pillow with "Matthew" embroided on it.]
Phoebe: Yep, no question about it.
Prue: They must love him dearly. I can't imagine how painful it must of been to let him go.
Phoebe: We probably shouldn't mention where the baby is in case Casper's still around.
Alexandra: What are you doing in here?
Phoebe: Hi, uh, sorry. Alexandra?
Alexandra: Who are you?
Phoebe: I'm Phoebe and this is my sister Prue and we're...
Prue: Uh, grief councilors with the police department.
Alexandra: I don't need any counseling. I just need to be alone.
Prue: We understand.
Phoebe: More than you know. We can help you, Alexandra.
Alexandra: Oh yeah? Can you bring back my husband?
Prue: No, but maybe someone else.
Alexandra: Please leave. Just go.
[Scene: Manor. Kitchen. Phoebe and Prue are sitting at the table. Prue's working on her presentation and Phoebe's looking for stuff on the computer. Piper walks in holding Matthew who is crying.]
Piper: Okay, isn't it anybody else's turn? I'm dying here.
Phoebe: Just a bit longer. I had no idea there was so much information about the Van Lewen's on the internet.
Prue: Yeah, and Jack's postponed the presentation which means I've got until morning to salvage it.
Piper: I don't understand why you just didn't come out and tell them we had Matthew.
Prue: Because we couldn't risk the ghost following us home and finding him.
Phoebe: Alright, we have to figure out how to vanquish the ghost.
Prue: Yeah, in less than twelve hours before Darryl comes and takes him away.
Phoebe: The thing about ghosts is they always haunt for a specific reason and it's always personal. So I know the Van Lewen's know this ghost and I'm going to find him.
Piper: No. I'm going to find him. Okay, times up. He's all yours.
(Piper gives Phoebe Matthew. Phoebe stands up and Piper sits down.)
Phoebe: I know. It's okay, baby, it's okay. (Matthew continues to cry.) Why isn't he stopping, he's not stopping. Why isn't he stopping?
Piper: Maybe it's a hungry cry.
Phoebe: We just fed him.
Prue: Maybe it's a sleepy cry.
Piper: If it is a sleepy cry, then why doesn't he just fall asleep?
Phoebe: Maybe it's a burpy cry. (Phoebe pats Matthew on his back and he throws up all over Prue's presentation.)
Piper: Something tells me it's going to be a very long night.
[Time lapse. Manor. Living room. It's now 2:00 in the morning. Piper's reading a book, Prue's holding Matthew and Phoebe's on the computer.]
Prue: I thought that babies slept a lot.
Phoebe: Yeah, obviously one of those lies they'll tell you so you wanna get pregnant.
Piper: So much for being the natural.
Phoebe: Hey, everyone has their limits. Anything in Dr. Spock?
Piper: Nothing that we haven't already tried. How's the search going?
Phoebe: Not so good. The Van Lewen's are seriously loaded. There could be hundreds of dead people that could be holding a grudge against them.
Prue: Why don't you just focus on the time of Martha's husband's death. I mean, that was the first
(Matthew starts whimpering.)
Phoebe: What did you do?
Prue: I didn't do anything.
Piper: Well, do something.
(Prue lays him down on his blanket and tips all her stuff out of her purse. She then uses her power and all the stuff floats above him.)
Piper: Doesn't that fall under the personal gain category?
Prue: Oh, who cares. We're desperate and it's working. He likes it, that is so sweet. (He passes wind and dirties his diaper.)
Phoebe: Oh, no, not again.
[Time lapse. Prue's holding up Matthew near the kitchen sink in his baby bath and she's using her power to hold up the shower spray and the water is rinsing him. She finishes rinsing him and wraps him up in a blanket. Piper's sitting at the table looking for information on the computer.]
Piper: Here, this might be something. The Van Lewen's chauffeur, Elias Lundy, disappeared suddenly before Martha's husband died.
Prue: Disappeared doesn't mean dead. Maybe it just means he took off. (Prue puts Matthew in the baby capsule.)
Piper: Well, if he did, he took off without anything he owned including his saving account and his car.
Prue: Well, it's definitely something we should ask Martha Van Lewen about.
Piper: Yeah, if she'll talk to us.
Prue: Well, if she ever wants to get her grandson back safe, she will.
(Phoebe enters carrying the Book of Shadows.)
`Phoebe: Okay, forget Dr. Spock, this is the only book we need.
Piper: The Book of Shadows? I don't think so.
Phoebe: Well, mum wrote spells in it, right? And with three girls there has to be something in here about, you know, how to do (She finds a page in the Book.) Oh, here it is. "Sometimes a baby just has to cry".
Prue: Thanks Mum.
Phoebe: I don't understand why this is so hard. We're women, this should be in our DNA.
(Matthew starts crying. Piper freezes him.)
Piper: I can't keep doing this all night.
[Time lapse. It's morning. Prue, Piper and Phoebe are asleep at the table. Dan is there holding Matthew. Piper wakes up and stares at Dan.]
Dan: What?
Piper: Just wondering if you're too good to be true.
Dan: Maybe some day you'll find out through personal experience. (Piper stands up.) I have to go to work. (He hands Matthew to her.)
Piper: Thanks for that.
Dan: It was my pleasure. He really is beautiful. Just like his cousin. (He kisses Piper.) Bye. (He leaves. Piper puts Matthew in his baby capsule. Prue and Phoebe wake up.)
Prue: What time is it? (She looks at the clock.) Quarter to eight, I'm late. (Prue leaves the room.)
Phoebe: I've gotta go to Martha Van Lewen. Piper, will you come with me?
Piper: Yeah, right behind you.
(They leave the room but then remember Matthew. Prue, Piper and Phoebe walk back into the kitchen.)
Prue: I think we forgot something.
Phoebe: What are we gonna do with him?
[Scene: Bucklands. Prue's office. Jack enters.]
Jack: Hey. You ready to wow Cauldwell?
Prue: Well, uh, actually
(You hear a baby and then see Matthew beside Prue.)
Jack: Do you get that through office supplies?
Prue: Okay, I had to bring him. There was nowhere else to put him and I really think that we should talk to Cauldwell about a daycare centre. I mean, I'm not the only one with a child around here.
Jack: Prue, unless you have a really big surprise for me, you don't have a kid.
Prue: I know that. But I'm going to one day. (Matthew starts whimpering.) Oh, it's okay. (She puts her pinky finger near his mouth and he sucks on it.) He only likes this finger and it took me all night to figure that out. You should see me at diapering. I'm really good at it.
Jack: Okay, you know, this mothering instinct is really something but me, I've got my own inner child and right now he's thinking about New York.
Prue: Right, um, Jack, I didn't really finish the presentation.
Jack: You know, I figured you were probably still in your family crisis, especially after your tenth non answered call. So I hope you don't mind that I took the liberty of finishing the presentation myself. Anything to get you to New York.
(Prue runs around her desk over to Jack and she jumps in his arms.)
Prue: You are the best.
(They kiss. Mr. Cauldwell walks up to the doorway.)
Mr. Cauldwell: He certainly is. And since I need my best and brightest in New York, I'm taking you out of the running, Halliwell.
Jack: Uh, Mr. Cauldwell, you know, I finished the presentation based on her file. She had a family emergency.
Mr. Cauldwell: She has a lot of those doesn't she. You'll show your presentation to the client at noon, Sheridan.
[Scene: The Van Lewen's house. Phoebe and Piper knock on the door. Martha answers it.]
Martha: Yes?
Phoebe: We need to talk to you.
Martha: Are you with the police?
Phoebe: No, not really.
Piper: But we are here to help.
Martha: I don't understand.
Phoebe: Does the name Alias Lundy mean anything to you?
Alexandra: Martha, the funeral home called and they wanted to know if... (She sees Phoebe and Piper.) What are you doing here?
Phoebe: I'm here because I really need to talk to you and I think you know what about.
Martha: Who are you people? What do you want?
(Phoebe shows them a piece of cloth that has "Matthew" embroided on it.)
Alexandra: Please tell me he's okay.
Piper: Please come with us some place safe where we can talk about this.
(They hear the ghost coming.)
Martha: Oh no.
(The piece of cloth floats through the air. The ghost appears and he catches the cloth.)
Ghost: Where is the child?
Alexandra: No, please, don't tell him.
(The ghost goes to zap them but Piper freezes the lightening stuff that comes out of his hand. The ghost doesn't freeze but Martha and Alexandra does.)
Piper: He didn't freeze. Why didn't he freeze?
Ghost: What are you? Witches?
Piper: I've frozen ghosts before haven't I?
Phoebe: Okay, Piper, now is not the time. Just unfreeze them so we can get them out of here. (Piper unfreezes them.) Duck!
(They all duck and the lightening stuff fly above them.)
Piper: Let's go.
(They run through the ghost towards the door. The ghost turns around and zaps Martha. Phoebe, Piper and Alexandra run outside. The ghost tries to go outside but the house won't let him.)
Ghost: Bring me the child or she's dead.
(The door slams shut.)
Martha: Looks like I'm not the only one stuck here.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Scene: P3. Phoebe and Alexandra are sitting at the bar. Piper's standing behind the bar pouring coffee in their cups.]
Piper: You know, you'd be a lot more comfortable at our place with your baby.
Alexandra: It's too much of a risk. As much as I am dying to see him and to hold him, I just can't.
Phoebe: I don't think the ghost can follow you or us. I mean, he couldn't chase us out of the house. I don't think he can leave the house.
Alexandra: But you're not positive. You don't know that for sure do you? I've seen what he can do. I've watched him kill my husband. I won't watch him kill my son.
Piper: It's okay. Everything's gonna be okay.
Phoebe: Now, what did your husband tell you about Elias Lundy?
Alexandra: He was their chauffeur but he was obsessed with Martha. Even carved his and Martha's initials on the largest oak. I've seen it. But one day, apparently his obsession got out of hand and Lundy attacked Martha. My father in law lured him out to that same tree and shot him in the back. Buried him on the grounds and covered it up.
Phoebe: That would explain why he suddenly disappeared.
Alexandra: A week later my father in law mysteriously died.
Piper: At the house too.
Alexandra: And then Gilberts brother, his uncle and then... They all just looked like accidents, you know, bad luck. Martha knew but she just couldn't convince anybody.
Phoebe: I don't understand why you stayed in that house. Why didn't Gilbert get you outta there?
Alexandra: Until Gilbert's brother died, he didn't believe the story either. Martha tried to sell the house once but I guess Lundy wouldn't let her. He wants her to suffer for what her husband did to him. But he's not gonna quit until he gets Matthew too.
Phoebe: Yeah, well, we won't quit until we get him. Now, do you have any idea where on the grounds Lundy's body was buried?
Alexandra: Supposedly by that tree. Underneath the initials.
[Scene: Bucklands. Outside and elevator. Prue's holding Matthew and trying to push the button. Jack runs up to her.]
Jack: Whoa, Prue. Don't touch that dial. I just came back from Cauldwell's office and I told him I couldn't of finished the presentation without the work you did and I couldn't do the job to his level without my beautiful partner. (He holds up two plane tickets.) Plane leaves in two hours. Sorry, squirt, only got two.
Prue: Kids under two fly free.
Jack: Afraid you were gonna say that. You know what? Whatever, I'm game.
Prue: Jack, that's sweet. Thank you so much for sticking up for me but I can't. I gotta get home. Sorry.
Jack: Yeah, me too. (The elevator opens and Prue walks in.) Hey, you two make a nice couple.
Prue: Thanks.
[Scene: Manor. Kitchen. Phoebe's making a potion. Piper walks in.]
Piper: Prue's on her way home. Whoa! That stuff could melt your nostrils.
Phoebe: Yeah, like all the diaper changing didn't melt them already. Okay, the mandrate root. (She puts some in a saucepan.) You know, I could of swarn that I'd be good at this whole baby thing. I mean, I love kids, I'm giving, I'm a good person.
Piper: Phoebe, I don't think Matthew was rejecting you personally. At least no more than the rest of us.
Phoebe: Then why do I feel like sucj a failure? Everytime I get close to the little guy, he either opens his mouth or his bowels. Call me kooky but that feels like rejection to me.
Piper: It takes a lot of time to figure out how to take care of babies properly. It's a lot of work.
Phoebe: A lot more than I thought actually.
Piper: We should be grateful we have a little time off.
Phoebe: Absolutely. (Silence.) I miss him.
Piper: It is a little quiet around here. Okay, let's just focus.
Phoebe: Okay, do you wanna get the shovels?
Piper: Uh, shovels? I thought we were vanquishing Lundy with the potion. What do we need shovels for?
Phoebe: Because the only way it works if you spread it over his bones which happen to be buried.
Piper: We have to dig him up?
Phoebe: I'm afraid so.
Piper: Is that it? Or is there some other disgusting detail you're just waiting to spring on me?
Phoebe: No. The only other way to vanquish him is to destroy the object of the curse. Which is Martha and we're supposed to save Martha. So get the shovels.
(Prue enters with Matthew.)
Piper: Hi Matthew, how's the little man?
(Phoebe and Piper start fussing over him and talk baby talk.)
Prue: Okay, I'm home too. Okay, guys are we ready?
Phoebe: Yes, we're ready. Um, I really think someone should stay here with Matthew.
Prue, Piper, Phoebe: I'll stay.
Prue: Looks like we all fell for the same guy.
(The doorbell rings. Phoebe answers it. Prue and Phoebe follow her into the foyer.)
Morris: Time's up, ladies. Social services called. They wanna know where the baby is.
Phoebe: Tell them he's with us.
Morris: Three witches and a baby. I don't think that's gonna fly.
Piper: But you can't take him now. I mean, we're this close to vanquishing...
Morris: I don't wanna hear another ghost story. In the real world that baby was abandoned which means if I don't account for him, I could lose my shield.
Prue: Not if you can offer a plausable explanation, right? I mean, what if he was kidnapped and then abandoned. You would be a hero.You would be the one reuniting him with his mum. Look, just hold off for a few hours, okay. If we're not back then do what you have to do. (She hands Matthew to Morris.) And take this. He really likes it. (She hands him a pacifier.)
Phoebe: And don't wave things in his dace because he does not like that.
Piper: But he does like the jiggle. Do you know the jiggle?
Morris: Of course I know the jiggle, I'm a father.
Prue: And if he starts to cry, just hold him really close because it comforts him. Okay, bye. (She kisses Matthew.)
Phoebe: Uh, Prue, you're not gonna wear that are you? Didn't think so. We'll meet you in the car, alright?
[Scene: The Van Lewen's house. The ghost appears.]
Ghost: You can't keep hiding from me, Martha. I'll always find you.
(He tries to zap her and she ducks.)
Martha: You can punish me all you like, Elias, it doesn't matter. I don't know where Matthew is and even if I did I wouldn't tell you. (He zaps near her again.)
[Cut to outside. Prue, Piper and Phoebe pull up in the car. They get out with the shovels and potion.]
Prue: Did she say where the oak tree was?
Phoebe: I assume around back.
Piper: Okay, you two go dig him up and I'll protect Martha for as long as I can.
Prue: Alright.
[Cut to the backyard. Prue and Phoebe are searching for the tree. Phoebe finds it.]
Phoebe: Prue, over here. (They then look at the ground.) This has gotta be it. Okay, hold this. (She hands Prue a torch/flashlight. She starts digging.)
Prue: Uh, Pheebs, I think I have a much quicker way of doing that.
Phoebe: Oh, yeah, you do don't you. Okay.
Prue: You ready?
Phoebe: Uh huh. (Prue uses her power and the dirt and Elias' skeleton lifts up out of the ground.) Hello, Elias.
[Cut back in the house. The ghost is zapping Martha.]
Ghost: There are many things worst than death, Martha. You taught me that. (He stops zapping her.) I can keep doing this forever. (He starts zapping her again. Piper enters the room and freezes it.)
Piper: I don't think so.
Ghost: Bring me the child and I'll spare you.
Piper: Actually I think it's a little late for that.
[Cut back to Prue and Phoebe. Prue's hitting Elias' bones with the shovel.]
[Cut back inside. The ghost yells in pain.]
Ghost: My bones. My grave! (He disappears.)
[Cut back to outside. Prue takes the off the lid of the bottle of potion.]
Prue: Alright, here goes.
(The ghost appears near a window and he zaps near Prue and Phoebe. They scream and fall to the ground. Elias' bones go back into the ground.)
Ghost: Can't vanquish me without my bones can you?
Phoebe: Oops, busted.
Prue: Run!
(They get up and run away.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Scene: The Van Lewen's house. Prue and Phoebe run through the front door.]
Prue: Piper, where are you?
Piper: Upstairs.
(They run upstairs.)
Prue: Have you seen Lundy?
Piper: What do you mean? Didn't you vanquish him?
Phoebe: Uh, no, and it doesn't look like we'll ever be able to. He's hidden his bones some place that we'll never be able to find them.
Martha: Then you have to get out of here now.
Piper: No, we're not going anywhere.
Martha: You haven't got a choice if there's no other way to stop him.
(Prue, Piper and Phoebe look at each other.)
Piper: It's not an option.
Prue: Agreed.
Martha: What? What is it? I think I have a right to know.
Phoebe: It's just that there is one other way to vanquish a ghost. And that is to destroy the object of its wrath.
Martha: Meaning me? Are you saying that if I die he dies too?
Piper: No. Our job is to protect the innocent and that would be you.
Martha: No, it isn't. It wasn't my husband who shot Elias in the back. It was me, I did it. He wanted me for himself. He said he was going to kill my husband.
(The ghost appears.)
Ghost: Yet I did didn't I. How could you, Martha? I loved you.
Martha: I didn't love you.
Ghost: They can't protect you forever.
Martha: You're absolutely right. But I can protect Matthew.
(Martha runs out of the room and falls over the banister.)
Prue: Martha, no!
Ghost: No! (Martha's spirit floats out of her body up to where Elias is.) Martha, what have you done?
Martha: Killed us both. Go to hell, Elias. (A hole opens up in the floor and flames come out of it. Elias starts burning and he disappears in the hole. The hole closes up.)
Piper: Uh, what do we do?
Martha: Don't do anything. This is where I belong. This is where I belong. This is the only way to save my grandchild. Thank you for protecting him. (She disappears.)
[Scene: Manor. Kitchen. The song "I Love You" by Martina McBride is playing while you watch Prue, Piper and Phoebe washing Matthew in his baby bath. Then you see them drying him and dressing him.]
[Scene: Police station. Alexandra and Morris are waiting for Prue, Piper and Phoebe to arrive.]
Morris: There they are.
(They walk in. Phoebe's holding Matthew. Alexandra walks over to them and takes Matthew off Phoebe.)
Piper: Here, we wanted you to have this but we couldn't get all the throw up off of it.
(She hands her a blanket and the bear she knitted.)
Alexandra: Oh, that's okay. You're all so sweet. How can I thank you?
Phoebe: Just let us baby sit every once in a while.
Prue: Take good care of him.
(They kiss Matthew goodbye and leave.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Scene: P3. Prue, Piper and Phoebe are at the bar.]
Phoebe: So how many kids do you think I'm going to have one day?
Prue: I'd say five.
Piper: More. At least six.
Phoebe: Ow. What makes you say that?
Piper: Oh, please Pheebs, you were born to be a mum.
Prue: No doubt about it.
Phoebe: Yeah, you think? I miss that little guy already. Although being a surrogate mum for the last twenty-four hours has taught me I have a long way to go before I'm ready for it full time. I gotta get my life together first.
Prue: Yeah, find a guy maybe?
Phoebe: That might help, huh? Unlike Piper's guy who is like Mr. Mum.
Prue: Yeah, Dan was really great with Matthew wasn't he?
Phoebe: More like a godsend.
Piper: Yeah, I think that's what scares me. He's like, flawless. He's great at everything. He's great looking, fun, he's great with babies.
Prue: But...
Piper: But I don't know. He's just a little too perfect. I feel a little imperfect around him.
Phoebe: Well, maybe that's why you were uncomfortable with Matthew. Maybe because of Dan you were resisting your own maternal instincts.
Prue: Where did that come from?
Phoebe: Cosmo, where else? Look over there, there's Jack.
Prue: Jack?
Phoebe: Yeah, Jack.
Piper: Jack who?
(Piper and Phoebe make noises at Prue. Prue walks over to Jack.)
Prue: Why aren't you in New York?
Jack: I didn't wanna go without my partner. I don't want you to think this gesture of mine is in any way of a sign of you involving maturity, in case having your cousin Matthew around given you any ideas.
Prue: No, the only idea I have is that one day, maybe sooner, maybe later, I'm gonna make a great mum. And you know, hopefully I'll find the right guy.
Jack: Well, I think you should know that being as I'm still a kid myself, I don't think I'd be doing anyone any favours by pretending to be the right guy.
Prue: Well, I didn't say I was looking for the right guy tonight. You'll do. Let's dance.
(They walk on the dance floor and start dancing.) | Plan: A: a powerful vision; Q: What does Phoebe have that convinces Darryl to let her take the baby back to the manor? A: an apparently abandoned baby; Q: What does Phoebe think the ghost is looking to exact revenge on? A: the manor; Q: Where does Phoebe take the baby to protect him? A: Prue and Piper assist; Q: Who helps Phoebe find the baby's family? A: the reason; Q: What do Prue and Piper discover about the ghost that is trying to harm the baby? A: Jack; Q: Who tries to convince Prue to go on a business trip with him? A: a taste; Q: What do Piper and Dan get of what life would be like while watching over the baby? Summary: When Phoebe has a powerful vision involving a ghost looking to exact revenge on an apparently abandoned baby, she talks Darryl into letting her take the baby back to the manor in order to protect him. Prue and Piper assist by tracking down the matriarch of the baby's family to discover the reason why the ghost is trying to harm the baby before he meets the same fate as the other male members of the family. While this is going on, Jack tries to convince Prue to go on a business trip with him, and Piper and Dan get a taste in what life would be like while watching over the baby. |
Karen: Hey.
Jim: Hey.
Karen: Who are you faxing so early in the morning?
Jim: Oh, umm... kinda hard to explain.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Jim: I don't have a ton of contact with the Scranton branch, but, before I left, I took a box of Dwight's stationery, so, from time to time, I send Dwight faxes. From himself. From the future. [reading fax] "Dwight, at 8 A.M. today, someone poisons the coffee. Do not drink the coffee. More instructions will follow. Cordially, Future Dwight."
[SCENE_BREAK]
Dwight: No![knocks coffee out of Stanley's hand.] You'll thank me later.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: There she is - Jan Levinson. First...
Jan: Michael.
Michael: ...thing in the morning. Love to start my morning with a hearty bowl of Jan.
Jan: Michael.
Michael: [singing] Just call me Levinson in the morning, baby.
Jan: Michael.
Michael: Yes.
Jan: I am here to tell you that we are closing the Scranton branch.
Michael: I don't understand.
Jan: The board voted last night to close your branch.
Michael: On whom's authority?
Jan: The board's.
Michael: What?
Jan: I'm very sorry. I don't relish telling you this. You've been a big part of this company, and the board asked me to thank you for your years of service.
Michael: You're welcome.
Jan: A small number of people will be transferred to the Stamford branch, and the rest will be getting severance packages.
Michael: Am I a small number person or a severance package person?
Jan: Well, we haven't made final decisions about personnel yet. But you're a severance package person.
Michael: Oh... [burrys head in hands] Oh, my god. Oh, my god! I don't really get it 'cause we're not doing that bad and our numbers are gonna come up.
Jan: Well, it's not all about numbers, Michael.
Michael: Well...
Jan: It's... it's about talent.
Michael: Oh, you gotta be... Josh?
Jan: Our CFO believes that Josh is going to play an important role in our company's future.
Michael: Oh really, what role is that? King of the stupid universe?
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: It is an outrage, that's all. It's... hey're making a huge, huge mistake. Let's see Josh replace these people. Let's see Josh find another Stanley. You think Stanleys grow on trees? Well they don't. There is no Stanley tree. Do you think the world is crawling with Phyllises? Show me that farm. With Phyllises and Kevins sprouting up all over the place. Ripe for the plucking. Show me that farm.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: Pictures. Memories. [Picks up a framed photo of Stanley's daughter from Stanley's desk] Look at that. They grow up so fast.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Dwight: Hey stranger.
Michael: Don't say that. That just sounds weird. Please.
Dwight: Sorry. I just feel like we haven't talked in awhile.
Michael: Well... we have nothin to talk about, Dwight. Just do your work ... while you still can.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Dwight : When you become close with someone, you develop a kind of sixth sense. You can read their moods like a book. And right now, the title of Michael's book is, "Something Weird is Going On." Colon, "What Did Jan Say? The Michael Scott Story. By Michael Scott, with Dwight Schrute."
[SCENE_BREAK]
Karen: Hey, um... did you hear about your friends in Pennsylvania? Rumor has it that the Scranton Branch is... [clicks her tongue to her mouth motions chopping off a head]
Jim: Really? Wow... that's bad.
Andy: Um, sorry... the Scranton branch is closing? [Karen nods and Andy looks at Jim] In your face!
Jim: Well, I work here now.
Andy: Mmmm.. suck-ah!
[SCENE_BREAK]
Pam: Are you okay?
Michael: Yeah, great! Amazing. Best physical condition of my life.
Pam: What did Jan want?
Michael: Nothing. Just checking in. I can't tell you, so...
Pam: What can't you tell me?
Michael: Nothing, Pam.[whispers to himself] What difference does it make? We'll be gone in a couple of weeks anyway.
Pam: What?!
Michael: What?
Pam: You just said that we're gonna be gone...?
Michael: Do I have any messages?
Pam: Michael, what's going on?
Michael: Ok, ok...
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: [facing the whole office] Listen up, everybody... I have some news. We are screwed. Dunder-Mifflin, Scranton is being shut down.
Toby: Michael, uh... we shouldn't be talking about this until all the decisions have been made.
Michael: You knew about this all along, didn't you?
Toby: Jan told me just a few minutes before she told you.
Michael: Traitor. You are a traitor.
Angela: What about us, Michael? Do we still have jobs?
Michael: I don't know. Probably not. This is the worst.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Ryan: It makes perfect sense that it would happen today because I just received this in the mail. [holds up cards] A thousand business cards with this address and phone number.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Angela: I don't want to blame anyone in particular. I think everyone's to blame.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Kelly: If I get to stay and Ryan is laid off, I will kill myself. Like Romeo and Juliet, the Claire Danes one.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Andy: [surrounded by clapping coworkers] Stamford, Connecticut! Stamford, Connecticut!
[SCENE_BREAK]
Jim: I worked in Scranton for a really long time. And uh, it's going to be weird that it's all disappearing. I mean, I always knew that the branch would shut down someday. I just figured it would be because Michael sold the building for some magic beans.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Stanley: I couldn't be happier. I'm gonna take the severance and retire. My wife and I are gonna travel. [chuckles] I really couldn't be happier.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Pam: It's a blessing in disguise. Actually, not even in disguise. Sometimes at home, I answer the phone, "Dunder-Mifflin, this is Pam." So, maybe that'll stop now.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Roy: What does that mean?
Kevin: Well, some of us are fired and a few are going to Connecticut.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Roy: I don't really want to work here without Pam. You know that Cinderella song, "You Don't Know What You Got (Till It's Gone)"? That pretty much says it better than how I know how to say it... in words.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Darryl: Hey Mike.
Michael: Darryl. Noble Darryl. [sighs]
Darryl: Look, I heard about the office. Tough break.
Michael: I know, I know. Well, I'll land on my feet. Don't worry about me.
Darryl: I wasn't.
Michael: So, you'll be okay too. You're a warrior. You're smart, capable. You'll find something else and...
Darryl: Actually, Bob Vance bought out the warehouse. So he's keeping on the whole crew. So, we good.
Michael: Awesome.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: This is my house. The CFO is taking away my house and giving it to Josh. And Josh is giving the garage to Bob Vance.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: All right, listen up. Some of you may have heard some rumors about the branch closing. But, I am not going to take this lying down. I have a plan and I am going to save our jobs. So just hang in there. [Looks at Dwight] Let's go.
Dwight: Yes!
Pam: Oh, good... you're bringing Dwight.
Michael: Yes. This might get ugly. I need backup.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Dwight: What's the plan?
Michael: Go to New York, confront the CFO, show him he's making a mistake... save the branch.
Dwight: Can I drive?
Michael: No... way.
Dwight: Shotgun!
Michael: No. There's no one else.
Dwight: Still.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Dwight: Thank you very much. [hangs up cell phone] Okay, secretary says Wallace is away for the day and won't be coming back into the office.
Michael: Okay, okay. Um...
Dwight: But, do not worry. I have his home address right [presses cell phone button] here.
Michael: Why?
Dwight: Christmas card list.
Michael: You sent him cards? You never met him.
Dwight: But when I do, we'll have something to talk about.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Jim: Hey, do you have a second?
Josh: Sure, what's up?
Jim: I know it's not definite or whatever, but uh, do you know who's coming over here from Scranton?
Josh: I honestly don't. I don't know.
Jim: Okay, so is it like sales or... accountants?
Josh: You know what, Jim, I wouldn't worry about it.
Jim: What does that mean?
[SCENE_BREAK]
Jan: Hi.
Josh: Jan, hey.
Jan: Oh, good. You're both here. Ready to talk logistics?
[SCENE_BREAK]
Ryan: [to Kelly] I just feel like it could have been something special if we could have kept working together, but I'm gonna go someplace else and you're gonna go someplace else. It just doesn't make sense.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Ryan: This kinda worked out perfectly for me. I got some good experience. Uh, Michael's gonna write me a great recommendation. And as far as me and Kelly goes, I think it's for the best.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: Okay, this is it. [runs up the stairs of CFO's house, with Dwight] This is exactly what Michael Moore does, famous documentarian. He goes up to people with a camera and he's like "Why did you do this? Why did you pollute? You are bad. You're a bad person." It's very dramatic. Although, I can't say I was a big fan of 'Bowling for Columbine', because I thought it was going to be a bowling movie, like 'Kingpin'. And it wasn't. It was something else.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Jan: So, Josh will be running what is now called Dunder-Mifflin ,Northeast, which is all the offices north of Stamford. And Jim, fi you want the job, you'll be his number two.
Josh: Wow. Uh, sure. Absolutely.
Jan: Awesome.
Josh: Excuse me, Jan, I'm sorry... I'm gonna have to stop you there. I, um, will not be taking the job.
Jan: Wha... excuse... why not?
Josh: As of today, I have accepted a senior managment position at Staples.
Jan: Today?
Josh: [nods]
Jan: You leveraged your new position with us into another offer?
Josh: [sighs]
Jan: Damn it, Josh. This whole restructuring thing was based around keeping you. I...
Josh: I'm sorry, all right? It's done, it's done.
Jan: I'm gonna make some calls.
Jim: Say what you will about Michael Scott, but he would never do that.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Dwight: So, do you know what you're gonna say when he shows up?
Michael: I will improvise. I will speak from the heart.
Dwight: No. Bad idea. You need an attack plan. Here, I'll be him, you be you. Let's practice.
Michael: All right.
Dwight: [as David Wallace] Dum, dum, dum, dum... coming home from work.
M ichael: Excuse me, Mr. Wallace? David Wallace?
Dwight: Yes? What is the meaning of this?
Michael : Can you tell us why you are shutting down Scranton and putting 15 people out of work?
Dwight: Well, the branch is no longer finicially viable. It's simple dollars and cents.
Michael: Yes, but these are employees, Sir. These are human beings.
Dwight: Listen, Scott... we're losing money, okay? It's not a charity; it's a business. And it's a dying business.
Michael: [no longer talking to Dwight as Wallace] Stop... stop it! Just, okay. He's not going to say any of that.
Dwight: [as himself] Whoa hey, why not?
Michael: Because he'd be intimidated and I, just... let's start again. Just be more scared of me, okay?
Dwight: Okay.
Michael: Don't touch me this time.
Dwight: [as David Wallace] Dum, dum, dum, du, doy, du, do... coming home from work...
Michael: Excuse me, Mr. Wallace?
Dwight: [frightened] Uh!
[SCENE_BREAK]
Jan: So... we are still scrambling here. But uh, it looks like Scranton is going to absorb Stamford.
Jim: Wow.
Jan: And I know that you just left there a couple of months ago, but we would like to offer you the number two position at that branch.
Jim: Thank you.
Jan: Yeah.
Jim: No, it's just I'm not sure if I um... well to be quite honest with you, Jan, I have a few unpleasant memories of Scranton. And um...
Jan: Michael.
Jim: No. No, no. Just um... some personal stuff. And I'm not really ready to revist that, I don't think.
Jan: Ah. Well, please think about it. And call me. We will do whatever we can to get you to stay.
Jim: Okay.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Phyllis: Hey guys. Uh, I'm trying to organize a little group lunch for everybody since you know, we're never gonna see each other again.
Kevin: Where are we going?
Phyllis: I thought maybe DJ's.
Kevin: How about Cugino's?
Angela: I don't want to go all the way to Dunmore.
Kevin: How 'bout Cooper's then?
Angela: No seafood.
Kevin: But, I don't want to go to DJ's.
Angela: Oh, now all of a sudden you get picky?
Phyllis: Okay, forget it. [walks away]
Kevin: Hooters?
Angela: No.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Dwight: Ah. [takes a gulp of Gatorade and passes the bottle to Michael] Here, replinish your fluids.
Michael: [takes bottle and cleans off cap with his tie]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Jan: [in Scranton] Where's Michael?
Pam: He's not here. I don't know where he is.
Jan: [looks around, noticing that no one is working] Wha... what's going on here?
Phyllis: We know the branch is closing; Michael told us.
Jan: Ah, god. Okay. You know what everybody? I'm sure there is a better way to do this but I've drive something like 400 miles today and I'm completely exhausted so I'm just gonna tell you. Your branch is not closing; Stamford is closing. Um, for the time being, it seems that all your jobs are safe.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Angela: Yes!
Kevin: Yes! [hugs Angela]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Phyllis: Stanley! [hugs Stanley]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Pam: Is it because of Michael? Did he actually do something?
Jan: Well, reasons are not important. Would you just call him, please? Wherever he is... and tell him.
Pam: Sure, uh, Jan... um, do you know, is anyone coming back to Scranton?
Jan: Back?
Pam: Coming to Scranton. Is anyone coming to Scranton?
Jan: Uh, we don't know. Probably. A few.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Dwight: [referring to Michael's ringing phone] who is it?
Michael: The office.
Dwight: Gonna get it?
Michael: No, not until I have some good news for them. Not until I have some good news.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Pam: I guess some new people might be coming from Stamford. Should be fun. New blood.
Ryan: Is Jim coming back.
Pam: That's, um... I hadn't thought about it, huh.
Ryan: I just don't want it to be weird, you know? I mean, I took his old job and his old desk.
Pam: Yeah, that might be weird. Overall though, we still all have our jobs... so, good news, right?
Ryan: Oh, yeah, totally.
Kelly: Ahhhhh! [hugs Ryan] I'm so happy we don't have to break up now, Ryan! [kisses him] This is the best day of my whole l ife!
[SCENE_BREAK]
Karen: What you gonna do?
Jim: I really don't know. How you doing with all this?
Karen: You know, I'm fine. I'll be better when I know if I have a job.
Jim: You'd actually move to Scranton?
Karen: Yeah, if they let me, I think I... I think I would.
Jim: New York City is 45 minutes down the road from here. And you wanna move to Scranton? I dunno. If I were you I'd move to New York?
Karen: Yeah, you know... I might do that. I, who knows? I... I might do that.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Josh: Hey Andy!
Andy: [after screaming and throwing papers around in the kitchen] What's up, Josh?
Josh: I just want to say thanks. Good luck.
Andy: Thanks, man. You, too. Totally.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: Anything?
Dwight: Nothing. [puts down binoculars]
Michael: What if this doesn't work? What is the office actually goes under?
Dwight: Then it was an honor to have worked with you.
Michael: [pats Dwight and sighs] All right, favorite moments in Dunder-Mifflin history. Go.
Dwight: My first day when you hazed me by spraying me with a fire extinguisher.
Michael: That was hilarious. The foam ...
Dwight: Uh,... my first sale, my promotion to assistant regional manager, our basketball game, when you took me to the hospital, and told me that you cared about me.
Michael: Oh, right. Okay, that's enough. That's good.
Dwight: What were your favorite moments?
Michael: Oh, hmm, all of them. I loved them all. Every single one.
Dwight: What about when Jan said the branch was closing?
Michael: God, Dwight!
Dwight: Well, it doesn't...
[SCENE_BREAK]
Kevin: Hey Pam, we're going to Poor Richards. Creed's buying shots.
Pam: No thanks, guys.
Kevin: All right.
Pam: Have fun though.
Kevin: Cool.
Phyllis: Hey, I hear Jim's coming back.
Pam: Really? Where did you hear that?
Phyllis: I was...
Kevin: [interupting] Hey Ryan, you coming?
Ryan: Uh yeah, we'll meet you there.
Kevin: Awesome. Let's go, Phyllis.
Phyllis: [to Pam] I'll tell you later.
Pam: Okay.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Roy: Crazy day, huh?
Pam: Yeah.
Roy: Yeah, man! I'm uh... I'm really glad you're still gonna be working here.
Pam: Yeah, me too.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Pam: Maybe this is good. Finding another job is a pain. There's another annoying boss, another desk, I'd have to learn everything all over again. So, there are reasons to stay.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Jim: Hey, um, I think I am gonna take that job. And Scranton... it's not that bad. So, if they offer you a job there, I think you should take it.
Karen: Okay, yeah. Maybe I will.
Jim: Okay.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Karen: Yeah, I'm happy he said that. I mean, I don't think he's into me or anything, but, I'm kind of into him. So...there you go.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: What are we still doing here? It's over. Let's go home. Get the car.
Dwight: [picks up his beeping cell phone]
Michael: Oh, this was such a stupid idea! This was so stupid. I am such a stupid idiot. I let everybody down. Everybody hates me. I lost everybody's jobs. Nobody likes me anymore!
Dwight: [on the phone] Oh my God!
Michael: What?!
Dwight:: Stranford is closed! Michael, we're not closed. Stamford is closed. Stamford is closed.
Michael: We did it? We did it.
Dwight: We did it!
Michael and Dwight: We did it! We did it!
Michael: Right here! Right here! [pounds his chest against Dwight's]
Michael and Dwight: Ouu! Ou! Ouu! Ouu!
Michael: Yeah, baby!
Dwight: In your face!
Michael: We did it!
Dwight: Oh, man.
Michael: How did we do it?
Dwight: I don't ... have no idea.
Michael: I don't understand.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Toby: Well for a minute there, I saw myself selling my house, moving to Costa Rica, learning how to surf. But, Costa Rica will still be there. When I'm 65. | Plan: A: Jan; Q: Who informs Michael that the Dunder Mifflin board has voted to close the Scranton branch? A: Dunder Mifflin; Q: What company has voted to close the Scranton branch? A: the remnants; Q: What does the Stamford branch absorb from the Scranton branch? A: the office; Q: Who does Michael announce the news to? A: their futures; Q: What do the employees plan for after Michael announces the board's decision? A: his branch; Q: What does Michael try to save? A: CFO David Wallace; Q: Who did Michael and Dwight try to surprise at his home? A: all day; Q: How long did Michael and Dwight wait outside David Wallace's home? A: Josh; Q: Who is the regional manager of the Stamford branch? A: another job; Q: What does Josh leave Dunder Mifflin to take? A: the change; Q: What do Michael and Dwight believe they brought about? Summary: Jan informs Michael that the Dunder Mifflin board has voted to close the Scranton branch, and for the Stamford branch to absorb the remnants of Scranton. Michael announces this to the office, leading the employees to plan for their futures. Michael, in a last-ditch effort to save his branch, leaves with Dwight to surprise CFO David Wallace at his home. They wait outside all day, but David never shows up, and they resign themselves to defeat. However, Josh, the regional manager of the Stamford branch, announces that he is leaving the company to take another job, and a decision is made for the Scranton branch to absorb the Stamford branch instead. Michael and Dwight celebrate, believing that they were the ones who brought about the change. |
(Open: Barn - Night. Two girls enter, carrying blankets)
ANNA: This is my favorite spot.
DEDE: I've only been here with boys before.
ANNA: Me too, but I love that Katy Perry song so much. It speaks to me, you know?
DEDE: Totally.
(They place a blanket on the ground and lay down, facing each other)
ANNA: So.. Okay. Just kissing, not touching things or anything.
DEDE: No. Just the stuff that's in the song.
(They lean in and just as they're about to kiss, they hear a noise)
ANNA: I hear something.
DEDE: It's your heart beating.
(They lean in again, and just as their about to kiss there's another noise)
ANNA: No, really. There's something out there.
(They turn to their right and look. A skull, covered in maggots, is flying towards them and hits Dede in the face, then lands on the blanket. They scream)
(Cut to: Woods - Day. Booth and Brennan arrive at the crime scene)
BOOTH: I can't believe you grew up in this area.
BRENNAN: Yes, I am an alumna of Burtonsville High.
BOOTH: Ever bring a boy out her and uh -
BRENNAN: And what? Touch his genetalia? No.
BOOTH: Whoa. 'Kay, I was thinking that maybe just a little smooching.
BRENNAN: I used to come out here to find animals to dissect; I didn't have a boyfriend.
BOOTH: Maybe because you were cutting up little woodland creatures, maybe?
(They meet up with the local Sheriff, Rebecca Conway, in the barn)
SHERIFF REBECCA CONWAY: I'm Sheriff Rebecca Conway. You the Federal backup?
BOOTH: (hoding up his badge) FBI Special Agent Seeley Booth.
SHERIFF CONWAY: Nice wheels. Nice face and bod. Very nice.
BOOTH: (hesistantly) Thank you.
BRENNAN: We know each other. Becky, right? I'm Temperance.
SHERIFF CONWAY: Have I arrested you before, hun?
BRENNAN: No, you were my lab partner in Chemistry at Burtonsville High.
SHERIFF CONWAY: Are you absolutely sure? I have an excellent memory.
BRENNAN: Positive. Though you are thinner now which is better for your cardiovascular system. In high school you were quite over weight. Hence the derrision from the other students.
SHERIFF CONWAY: Yeah, I remember you know. Your creepy girl. So, you're in town for the reunion..
BOOTH: Ha ha ha. Reunion.
SHERIFF CONWAY: Yeah. (to Booth) I need a date - if you're free.
BRENNAN: We're just here to inspect the remains.
SHERIFF CONWAY: Oh. No surprise there. (she starts to lead them to the remains) Two girls were out here rolling around..
BOOTH: Two girls.
SHERIFF CONWAY: Yeah, it's the 21st, sweetheart. Get with the program. Anyway, that critter (points to a raccoon) ran into them right there with the skull on it's head.
BRENNAN: It was probably eating the brains and eyes. Often scavengers-
SHERIFF CONWAY: Don't need the details, Morticia. I'm keeping this quiet until I know what we're dealing with.
(Brennan examines the remains; She picks up the skull)
BRENNAN: Female. Age, indeterminite. Judging by the lack of staining, the victims head was severed post-morteum.
SHERIFF CONWAY: Ugh. No. Not cut up.
BRENNAN: Well, I'm glad you kept this quiet, Becky. There are probably more remains in the area.
SHERIFF CONWAY: We're gonna need to search the bushes for more people parts, Lou!
(Cut to: Woods - Day.)
BRENNAN: I don't want the remains compromised.
BOOTH: Don't compromise the remains.
BRENNAN: She was a very careless lab partner.
BOOTH: You gotta go to your reunion, Bones. We already flew all the way out here.
BRENNAN: I'm not going. High school was not a happy time. For some reason, people didn't seem to like me.
BOOTH: Which is exactly why you have to go now. Reunions are made for you to smear your successes in other people's faces. Your accomplishments are gonna kill 'em.
BRENNAN: (bending down) I found something!
SHERIFF CONWAY: (O.S) Oh! Lou, stay right here.
BOOTH: Where are the ribs, Bones?
BRENNAN: According to the legend, they've been cooked and eaten.
BOOTH: Legend. What legend?
SHERIFF CONWAY: They say a spirit lives in these woods. He takes over a person, makes them kill.
BRENNAN: My senior year, a classmate was murdered and dismembered just like this.
SHERIFF CONWAY: Ribs gone.
BRENNAN: They never found the killer.
SHERIFF CONWAY: The Butcher of Burtonsville High. He's back.
[OPENING CREDITS]
(Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Forensics Platform. Wendell unpacks the remains. Brennan is talking to the team, via a live video feed, from her hotel room in Illinois.)
WENDELL: The Butcher of Burtonsville?
BRENNAN: That's what we called him.
HODGINS: Insect activity puts time of death at approximately 10 days ago.
CAM: You should swab the dismemberment points - there could be trace evidence from the blade.
HODGINS: You know, you get very bossy when you don't have flesh to play with?
CAM: I am the boss.
WENDELL: (to Brennan) And he removed his victims ribs because...
BRENNAN: He eats them. Barbecue.
CAM: You don't actually believe that.
BRENNAN: There's no evidence of cannibalism. It's merely an urban legend.
HODGINS: But they never found OUT who killed the girl in your class?
BRENNAN: No. Sarah Tidwyler. Booth is getting the old case files to find links.
WENDELL: The stumps on the victims 4th and 5th ribs show evidence of hemorrhagic staining.
CAM: So two ribs weren't sawed off.
BRENNAN: Fractured and then snapped off it appears.
ANGELA: So, your high school is famous, Sweetie. The earliest reported mention of The Butcher of Burtonsville was in 1956. Young people were warned to aviod secluded locations at night, as there was a lunatic who killed and dismembered
his victims, then barbecued and ate their ribs.
BRENNAN: Yet, until Sarah's murder it was just an urban legend - society's attempt to control behavior through a fear-based myth.
HODGINS: This is very teenage slasher movie-ish.
BRENNAN: Whatever blade was used left very clean and precise cuts.
CAM: It's always a tad creepy when you admire the killers handiwork.
(Cut to: FBI Headquarters - Sweets Office. Sweets is talking to Booth, via a live video feed from his hotel room. Sweets is looking over the file of Sarah Tidwiller.)
SWEETS: Now, this first victim, Sarah Tidwiller, was a member of the class of '94?
BOOTH: And the second victim was killed just before the reunion of the same class so it doesn't sound like a coincidence to me. The cops here agreed to keep everything quiet until we can ID the victim and catalogue the evidence.
SWEETS: And this, uh, Ray Buxley, was a prime suspect in '94?
BOOTH: Yeah, he was the high school custodian, but they didn't have enough to hold him.
SWEETS: Lives alone. Low-status job. Obsession with gruesome crime stories. Surrounded by teenage girls. Very creepy. It's like Freddy creepy.
BOOTH: Okay, well. You can check him out.
SWEETS: Since you're trying to keep the town from another wave of collective hysteria, I wouldn't suggest announcing your FBI status.
BOOTH: We go undercover!
SWEETS: Exactly.
BOOTH: Since, uh, Bones is already invited to the reunion, we get more information if she's seen as alumni.
SWEETS: Alumna. Yes.
BOOTH: Yeah. Great. You know, correcting my Latin - not the best way to make friends.
SWEETS: Sorry.
BOOTH: Great. Okay. See ya later, Sweets.
SWEETS: Wait. Agent Booth?
BOOTH: Yes, Dr. Sweets?
SWEETS: You and Dr. Brennan are in the same motel?
BOOTH: Yeah, but they are not adjoining rooms. (he picks up the laptop to show Sweets the room) Okay, Sweets, look. They do not adjoin. See, the bathroom and I'm, uh, closer to the ice machine.
SWEETS: No, I'm merely asking because of your feelings for Dr. Brennan..
BOOTH: Alright, I get it. Alright, Sweets. I respect that but you know what? I've moved on. I already even have a date for next week.
SWEETS: (not believing him) Oh, really? Who might that be?
BOOTH: Thanks. Take care.
(Booth closes the laptop and connection)
SWEETS: Who might that be, Booth? Booth? Who might that be?
(Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Ookey Room. Wendell is carrying a tray)
WENDELL: There appear to be some metal flakes embedded in the margins of the bone.
HODGINS: Ooh. Come to the king.
WENDELL: Man. Social pressures, sports, sexual psychodramas; I'm surprised there aren't more murders in high school.
HODGINS: High school sounds a lot more exciting than mine.
WENDELL: Pretty tough place. A lot of violence, lot of drugs, lot of pregnancies.
HODGINS: So you've been through the 'babydaddy' scare before?
WENDELL: Before? Before What?
(It's then that Hodgins realizes that Angela never told Wendell that she had thought that she may have been pregenant)
HODGINS: Oh, no...
(Wendell heads out to find Angela)
HODGINS: oooh. Ugh.
(Hodgins runs off to try to beat him there. Wendell stops to take off his gloves and Hodgins passes him up and runs into Angela's office first.)
(Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Angela's Office.)
HODGINS: I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I had no idea you hadn't told him. Big mouth and I am sorry.
ANGELA: Big mouth what?
(Wendell enters, looking upset.)
ANGELA: Oh. (she realizes now what Hodgins is apologzing for) Oh.
WENDELL: You were pregnant?
(Hodgins heads toward the door)
HODGINS: I was gonna...leave but you're kinda in my - you know, I'm gonna go around..
(Wendell and Angela are alone)
ANGELA: No. I was not pregnant.
WENDELL: But you thought you might be pregnant.
ANGELA: Very briefly, Wendell.
WENDELL: Why didn't you tell me? I'm pretty sure I'm the only possibility.
ANGELA: Yes. Yes, of course. Do you think that we could talk about this later and - and maybe not here?
WENDELL: Oh, of course. I'm sorry - it was just - we can absolutely discuss this later.
(Wendell leaves)
(Cut to: Burtonsville High School - Day. Booth & Brennan are walking outside)
BOOTH: How well do you know this, uh, custodian.
BRENNAN: Very well. He used to find dead animals for me to dissect. We used to have long discussion about death. Mr.
Buxley would say that it was a natural process.
BOOTH: (chuckles) You were Wednesday Adams.
BRENNAN: I don't know what you're talking about.
BOOTH: Well, in high school you had a creepy custodian as a best friend; I bet you had a pet rat, too.
BRENNAN: No. I had a mouse and a snake and some spiders.
BOOTH: (sarcastically) Wow, and you weren't popular! Now, that's amazing.
(They turn the corner and run into Julie Coyle and Brad Benson)
JULIE COYLE: I am so sorry. My nerves are totally fried. I haven't slept in days because of this damn reunion.
BRENNAN: Julie Coyle?
JULIE: Yes. Do we know each other?
BRENNAN: Temperance Brennan.
(She shakes Julie's hand)
JULIE: Temperance! Oh, yes! (she pulls her hand away) You-you liked dead things.
BRAD BENSON: I thought that was you. Wow! The years have been very kind to you, Temperance. Very.
JULIE: Ha! Well, not that 'very'. She liked dead things, Brad.
BRENNAN: Yes, but now I'm a wealthy author and a successful scientist (to Booth) Did I do that right?
BOOTH: (to Brenna) No. (to Brad) I'm, uh, her husband. Bobby Kent. Temperance's lesser half.
BRAD: Ah, Brad Benson. Julie Coyle. So you guys have any kids yet?
BOOTH: Oh, no. Not yet but we want a house full, right?
BRENNAN: Yes. We have intercourse every chance we get.
BOOTH: Wow. Ah, yeah. I mean, all over the place.
JULIE: Well, we have a gym to decorate so..
BRAD: Oh, you know, Evelyn is gonna be so happy to see you, Temperance. "Bygones are bygones" she always says.
BRENNAN: You married Evelyn Simms?
JULIE: We were all so jealous. Evelyn's off saving some unpronounceable country.
BRAD: Ah, Nicaragua.
JULIE: See. (to Brad) So, Prom King Brad here has been giving me a hand.
BRAD: But Evvy is gonna be back flying back for the reunion, so we'll see you there. Good to meet you, Bobby.
BOOTH: Yeah. (to Brennan) Bygones be bygones? What did that Brad guy mean? What's going on between you and Evelyn? Something happen?
BRENANN: Not important. We were children. We should go see Mr. Buxley.
(Cut to: Founding Fathers. Angela and Wendell are having lunch.)
ANGELA: By morning, I knew I wasn't pregnant so I- I saw no reason to bring it up.
WENDELL: What you're saying would make perfect sense to Dr. Brennan but it - it feels wrong, you know?
ANGELA: Maybe I should have told you. I don't know. I - I just thought it was gonna bring up a bunch of questions that we weren't ready for.
WENDELL: I can answer those questions.
ANGELA: What do you mean?
WENDELL: If you got pregnant, it's your decision what to do.
ANGELA: Well, yeah. I know it is.
WENDELL: I get that but if you decided to keep the baby, I would do the right thing.
ANGELA: You would?
WENDELL: I absolutely would. I'd bear my share of the conqequences; more than my fair share. I'd marry you if that's what you wanted. I would do the right thing.
ANGELA: I'm sorry, Wendell. I should have told you.
(She puts her hand on his cheek, he leans over and kisses her on the cheek. They laugh.)
(Cut to: Burtonsville High School - Day. Booth and Brennan are outside the Custodian's Room)
BRENNAN: (knocking on the door) Mr. Buxley?
(When they get no response, they walk in the office. The walls are lined with sharp tools, knives, saws and stuffed dead animals.)
BRENNAN: Ah, I have so many fond memories of this place.
BOOTH: (sarcastically) Gee, I can't imagine why this guy was a suspect.
BRENNAN: Mr. Buxley?
(He suddenly appears, holding a plate of ribs. Brennan jumps)
BRENNAN: Ah, Mr. Buxley! It's good to see you.
MR. BUXLEY: And you. You grew up good.
(Brennan is obviously very happy about seeing him. She keeps smiling and laughing. Booth, on the other hand, thinks the guy is creepy and keeps eyeing him)
BRENNAN: Thank you. This is -
BOOTH: Her husband. Um, Bobby.
BRENNAN: My husband, Bobby.
MR. BUXLEY: Lucky man. You care for some ribs? Suculent. Juicy.
(He licks his fingers)
BOOTH: Uh, I'm fine. And I'm full. I already ate. You have quite the collection of blades around here.
MR. BUXLEY: Yeah, well a man never knows when he might need to cut.
BOOTH: That's quite a motto.
BRENNAN: I was just telling my husband about Sarah Tidwyler. Do you remember her?
MR. BUXLEY: Folks here thought I killed her.
BRENNAN: Well, not me.
MR. BUXLEY: No. No, not you. I could always count on you. Say, ya know. I might have me a dead rabbit around here. You like to cut it open?
BRENNAN: That is so sweet.
BOOTH: No, that's not sweet. I mean, not now. Probably because Mr. Buxley here has to get the campus ready for the big reunion, hmm.
MR. BUXLEY: I suppose.
BOOTH: Yeah, I'm sure you work long hours, late into the night, probably even weekends. Right? Maybe even the weekend before last. Were you working then?
MR. BUXLEY: Why'd you wanna ask me about that particular weekend?
BRENNAN: You know what? Just tell him or he'll keep asking. He can't help it. (she lightly punches him in the shoulder) He's a newspaper man.
MR. BUXLEY: Well, that weekend, I was away. I, uh...(he turns and puts the plate of ribs down and starts over to a closet) went and bought this.
(After a few seconds, he pulls out a copy of "Bred in the Bone" - Brennan's first book.)
MR. BUXLEY: First edition!
BRENNAN: My first novel!
MR. BUXLEY: You named the killer after me. I'da shed a tear if my duct worked proper.
BRENNAN: Awwww.
MR. BUXLEY: I'd thought you might be coming to the reunion; maybe you could, uh, put your pen to it for me. Would ya please?
BRENNAN: With pleasure.
BOOTH: Well, here. Use my pen.
(Booth eyes Mr. Buxley. Mr. Buxley eyes Booth. Booth does not trust this guy.)
BRENNAN: Thanks, sweetie. (she starts to write) "To the real Ray Buxley, Who taught me about death."
(Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Bone Room. Wendell is video conferencing with Brennan when Angela walks in.)
ANGELA: Hey, you said the skulls ready for me?
BRENNAN: What about casts of the blade injuries?
WENDELL: Still working on them.
ANGELA: Hey, sweetie. Wow, that is a crappy motel room.
BRENNAN: Oh, the bed has magic fingers!
ANGELA: Okay. I'm gonna drive by that one. Uh, how's the reunion?
BRENNAN: I find I am uncomfortable with people who disliked me in high school.
ANGELA: So you're pressed for an ID. I'll try to be quick with a facial reconstruction.
WENDELL: Turns out our victim has a remodeled mandibular fracture, so that should narrow down the search.
BRENNAN: Let me look at that. Can you put it under the Medio Cam?
(Wendell moves the skull under the cam.)
ANGELA: Is there a problem?
BRENNAN: This fracture was made by a blunt object, striking her face at an almost 90 degree angle.
WENDELL: That's in my note, yes, and the remodeling gave us an appoximate age - about 30.
BRENNAN: 33. She was 33.
ANGELA: Well, how do you know that?
BRENNAN: Because I'm the one who broke her jaw. With a tennis racket. This is one of my classmates. Evelyn Simms.
(Cut to: FBI Headquarters - Sweet's Office. Sweets is video conferencing with Booth and Brennan, who are outside the school, by their car. They're scanning through Brennan's year book - checking out her classmates.)
SWEETS: So this (he pulls up a picture) is Evelyn Simms. Wow. Homecoming Queen, Cheerleading captain. President of the Girls Service Club - a girl like this, she wouldn't have given me the time of day. Which, of course, makes her that much hotter.
BOOTH: Sweets, I'm sure you really didn't want to say that outloud, right?
SWEETS: It slipped out.
BRENNAN: Everybody loved Evelyn.
BOOTH: A lot of people hated her, too, for being so popular. I mean, you were the one who decked her with a tennis racket.
BRENNAN: No. I- I -I never enjoyed playing doubles; someone is always in your way. Although my classmates thought I hit her on purpose.
BOOTH: Well, perhaps, subconsciously you did. I mean, a girl like yourself - with marginal social standing - takes out her hostility by striking the popular girl. I mean, it is quite common.
BRENNAN: Okay, that sounded clinical but felt very insulting. (to Sweets) What do you hope to find in 15 year old memorabilia.
SWEETS: Basic victimology. Now, we already know that there is a similarity in the method of killing. They're in the same class; perhaps there's an interpersonal connection.
BOOTH: (notcing a picture of Brennan) Whoa, Sweet! Hold it right there! (to Brennan) There you are! That's your high school picture! Why weren't you smiling?
BRENNAN: I wasn't amused by anything. Okay, none of this is pertinent to the investigation.
SWEETS: Reunions can rekindle old feelings of resentment. If a classmates life hasn't worked out, they might see Evelyn's happiness as a personal threat.
(Sweets stops at a picture of Sarah Tidwyler)
BOOTH: This is the girl that was murdered in 1994.
BRENNAN: Yes. Sarah Tidwyler.
SWEETS: Physically, she appears nothing like Evelyn. No apparent interests in common.
BOOTH: Look, he has his arm around her.
SWEETS: That's Evelyn's husband, Brad.
BRENNAN: Yes. Brad was dating Sarah when she was murdered.
SWEETS: And now he's married to the most recent victim. That's a pretty strong connection.
(Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Forensics Platform)
WENDELL: This is a cross section of the victims distal femur. As you can see, the kerf wall is smooth - indicating whatever blade was used, the size of its teeth were small.
CAM: But it did have teeth, so we're looking for a saw of some type.
WENDELL: Judging by the bone loss from the cuts, a saw blade about 2 mm thick, I can't determine what type of blade yet, though.
CAM: Let me know when you can.
(Hodgins enters)
HODGINS: Whoa, hold on. Show and tell is not over yet. So, we have got two particulates transferred during dismemberment - it's a pretty messy process, well, with all that blood spurting and muscles and sinews tearing...
CAM: Okay, we get it. What did you find?
HODGINS: Well, after much effort - and expertise - I found calcium sulfate and flecks of 3003-H14 aluminum.
WENDELL: How are either of those, in any way, cooler than discovering the saw?
CAM: I'll let Dr. Brennan know that we are looking for a saw which can cut through metal. And you don't have to fight, you both did well. (she turns and walks away, then to herself) I run a kindergarten.
(Cut to: Brennan's Hotel Room. She is going through her bag when she gets an alert that someone is trying to contact her to video conference. She opens her computer screen to connect and it's Angela - in her office.)
BRENNAN: Yes.
ANGELA: Wendell was so sweet, ya know. He had this stiff upper lip and - and he kept telling me that he'd do the right thing. And his jaw was all tightened and manly.
BRENNAN: Wednell does seem to live by a very strong sense of morality and ethics.
ANGELA: He's probably the best guy I've ever met. I mean, he's good hearted and he's honest.
BRENNAN: You're saying good things, but your tone indicates you have doubts.
ANGELA: 'Cause when Hodgins thought I was pregnant he said "I'm your guy". Wendell talked about bearing the consequences and doing the right thing.
BRENNAN: Well, anthropologically speaking, males doing their duties form the bedrock of civilization.
ANGELA: That's not very poetic.
BRENNAN: Because males tended to find those duties onerous, they took every opportunity to avoid them. Mostly through geographic exploration, meaningless conquests and war.
ANGELA: Hodgins wanted to be with me and the baby, which I guess means that he's less likely, than Wendell, to go off and start a war, right?
(Cut to: Burtonsville High School - Day. Booth and Brennan are outside talking to Sheriff Conway.)
SHERIFF CONWAY: Brad was always the Golden Boy. Always got what he wanted. Rumor is his business isn't doing very good.
BRENNAN: Booth! You can't give this creedence. It's gossip, which by definition, is a form of entertainment - not information - and her grammar is appalling.
SHERIFF CONWAY: It is a miracle that you have any life whatsoever.
BRENNAN: You cheated off my tests in Chemistry.
SHERIFF CONWAY: (to Booth) I could supply you a little bit of fun while you're here because you're probably dying with this one.
BOOTH: We're talking about Brad Benson, right?
SHERIFF CONWAY: Right.
BOOTH: Right. Right.
SHERIFF CONWAY: Um, well. Brad has his own autobody shop and rumor is he's losing money. Big time.
BRENNAN: Owning his own auto body shop - he would have acces to a saw that cuts metal.
BOOTH: Well, I'll just get an Agent to check out his financials. Anything else?
SHERIFF CONWAY: No. I'm gonna go in the gym and see if they need help setting up. (to Booth) But if you need anything, holler.
(She walks away)
BRENNAN: If I had covered my paper, she would still be taking that class.
BOOTH: Wow.
(Cut to: Burtonsville High School - Gym. Booth and Brennan enter. Inside the Burtonsville High Gymnasium, volunteers set up for the reunion. Brad chops pineapples, Buxley splits wood, Julie hacksaws coconuts, Andy Pfleuger wields a power saw. Weapons are everywhere. )
BRENNAN: (to Booth) Andy Pfleuger. He used to have a crush on me.
(A quick montage of everyone cutting, sawing & chopping)
BRENNAN: You're right, Booth. It's nice to be back.
(Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Bone Room.)
WENDELL: Okay, I found stab marks on the posterior and right lateral side. Posterior iliac spine, L1 & T10 vertebrae and
here on the inferior angle of the scapula.
CAM: Cause of death, Mr. Bray?
WENDELL: All the stabs wounds terminate in bone, so they wouldn't have been fatal, except for this one.
CAM: The weapon could have passed through the 8th intercostal space, perforating the lung causing her to bleed to death.
HODGINS: The victims husband had an auto body shop, right? Take a look at this. Looks like transfer from the murder weapon. Thin flecks of iridescent metal. You know, the kind that they use to coat a paint job on a car.
CAM: So the weapon is found in an auto body shop?
WENDELL: I haven't ID'd the weapon yet, but check out the microtomography. The blade was double-edged, with an identical taper on both sides.
HODGINS: So, someone killed her with a really sharp piece of pie.
(Cam gets a text message)
CAM: Oh, Angela has the photos Dr. Brennan uploaded of potential weapons from the reunion.
HODGINS: Weapons. Yeah, we didn't have those at my reunion.
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Angela's Office. Angela has the pictures on the big screen and Cam, Wendell and Hodgins are
looking them over)
CAM: SO this is the class of '94.
WENDELL: Man, my high school's lookin' good.
ANGELA: I think Brennan was the normal one.
CAM: Do you see anything that could match the stab wounds?
WENDELL: No. The cleaver has a totally different blade profile.
HODGINS: Right, we're looking for a piece of pie, right?
ANGELA: Look at her.
(she pulls up a picture of a girl with a chain saw)
CAM: Zoom in on those tools on the table.
WENDELL: There. Can you give me the angle of that tabor?
ANGELA: Uh, 48 degrees.
CAM: Compare that to the marks on the bone.
ANGELA: It's pretty close. This ice carving tool could definitely be the murder weapon.
(Cut to: Burtonsville High School - Gym. Sheriff Conway is tracing the lines in the ice sculpture with her finger)
SHERIFF CONWAY: Carrie is a sweetie pie! She made the cake for my birthday.
BRENNAN: Well, Carrie isn't here. Where did she go?
SHERIFF CONWAY: I don't know. You're the genius.
BOOTH: Any bad blood between her and Evelyn?
SHERIFF CONWAY: Evelyn is on the city council. She gave Carrie her catering contract for city functions, school lunches..
JULIE: She took it away, too. They had a big blow out. Now Carrie's lookin' for work. So, what's goin' on? Leaving me out of the gossip?
BRENNAN: No. I love to gossip. Remember when you were locked out of the locker room, in your underwear, and the boys took pictures and then they put it all over school?
(Becky & Brennan laugh)
JULIE: I can't believe you'd bring that up.
BOOTH: That's not gossip, honey. That's embarrassing.
JULIE: You're as clueless as ever.
(Carrie Turner appears carrying a cake across the gym, with a big knife in one hand)
BRENNAN: There's Carrie.
SHERIFF CONWAY: Oh, I can't believe it'd be her. Her cakes are so light and fluffy.
(Cut to: Staircase near Founding Fathers. Angela and Wendell are sitting outside on the steps.)
WENDELL: You're breaking up with me?
ANGELA: Yes.
WENDELL: Because I would have done the right thing by you?
ANGELA: I'm not a duty, Wendell. You didn't do anything wrong. In - in fact, it's the opposite. You're the best. But you can't tell me that in the back of your heart you aren't thinking that another upcoming duty might be to let me down as gently as you can.
WENDELL: I really, really like you, Angela.
ANGELA: I really like you too. You're sexy and smart and good. You're like "saint" good.
WENDELL: Well, I'm a sexy saint.
(They laugh)
ANGELA: Hey. Do not knock that. It's a very rare and hot combo. You have somebody out there who isn't a duty.
WENDELL: So do you. I think we both know who.
(Cut to: Burtonsville High School - Gym.)
BOOTH: Okay, look. You have to question her. You know. As her old friend.
BRENNAN: No- she didn't like me then. No one did and they still don't. I obviously had no social skills.
BOOTH: They're not gonna suspect a thing, alright, because you're an alumni.
BRENNAN: Alumna.
BOOTH: UGH!
BRENNAN: Why can't I hang out with Mr. Buxley?
BOOTH: Listen, I'm gonna be right here next to you. Okay? You just go up to her and you say, "Hi. How are you?" and then you just, you know, spark up a conversation.
(They walk over to Carrie Turner and Andy Pfleuger)
BRENNAN: Hi, Carrie. How have you been? Hello, Andy.
ANDY PFLEUGER: Hello, Temperance. I'm the shop teacher now. In charge of the entire shop program. You look really good. Really.
CARRIE TURNER: Two seconds ago her was trying to get into my pants.
BOOTH: I'm her husband, Bobby Kent.
ANDY: Oh. Is the marriage working out because statistically...
BOOTH: Are you serious?
CARRIE: Go inflate a doll, Andy. (he leaves, Carrie sighs) Thanks for the rescue. So, you actually look normal now.
BRENNAN: Thank you. I heard Evelyn ruined your career.
CARRIE: But you're not, are you.
BOOTH: My wife just meant how difficult it must be with this economy and trying to find work. I know how terrible Temperance felt. Isn't that right, sweetheart?
BRENNAN: (unconvincing) Okay. Sure.
CARRIE: It is hard. I lost everything. Maybe it wasn't Evvy's fault but I had to go live with my parents until I find something else. Almost didn't make it back for the reunion.
BOOTH: So you weren't here this past weekend.
(Brennan's phone rings.)
CARRIE: No. I was buying diapers for my dad.
BRENNAN: (to Booth) Hodgins.
BOOTH: (to Brennan) Great. (to Carrie) You'll have to excuse us. That cake looks great, by the way.
CARRIE: Oh, yeah. Your cake isn't bad either. Are you sure you and Morticia are working out.
BOOTH: (he exhales) Slow down.
(They walk away, Brennan is on the phone with Hodgins at the Medico Legal Lab. He's in the Bone Room)
BRENNAN: Okay, Hodgins. What do you have?
HODGINS: Hey. So the calcium sulfate? It was plain, old chalk and the particles in the stab marks were clear coat varnish.
BRENNAN: Chalk and varnish. Well, do you have anything on the murder weapon or the saw?
WENDELL: The negative hook angle on the striations on the bones indicate a bandsaw.
BRENNAN: (to Booth) Bandsaw.
BOOTH: Bingo.
BRENNAN: Bingo based on what?
BOOTH: Bingo, Bango. Where else are you gonna find a bandsaw and chalk?
(Cut to: Burtonsville High School - Hallway. Booth and Brennan are looking for the shop room.)
BOOTH: Shop class. No offense, but you know, I hate your school.
MR. BUXLEY: Temperance should too. (he suddenly appears at the top of a staircase, mopping the floor.) They never treated her good enough here.
BRENNAN: Hello, Mr. Buxley.
MR. BUXLEY: Careful in the dark, kids.
(A sound of a saw resonates through the hall)
BRENNAN: The saw.
(They head towards where the sound is coming from but Booth looks up at the staircase where Mr. Buxley was but he's already gone - just as quickly as he appeared.)
BOOTH: (starting after her) Careful, Bones.
(They find the Wood Shop, only to find Andy Pfleuger using the bandsaw to carve something out of wood. They get closer and see that he's spelled out "TEMPERANCE")
ANDY: Do you like it? You're one of my girls now, Temperance.
(They notice a wheel barrow filled with names of other girls made out of wood)
ANDY: Do you like it? It's just a token of my affection. It's for you, Temperance.
BRENNAN: Oh. Thank you, Andy.
(She takes the name plate, hesitantly)
BOOTH: No. No "Thank you, Andy." (he takes the name plate) She's married.
ANDY: Things happen.
BOOTH: Yeah. We know.
BRENNAN: You asked Sarah to prom, didn't you?
ANDY: Yeah. I mean, I think she would have went with me too, if she'da lived.
BRENNAN: Then did you think that Evelyn would leave Brad for you?
ANDY: Well, I've heard Brad has had business trouble. I mean, ya know, she deserves somebody who can provide her stability.
BOOTH: You know, I smell bleach, honey.
ANDY: I know. I came in here, the week before last, and the place was really spic and span. You know, Ray doesn't usually do such a good job.
MR. BUXLEY: Wasn't me.
BOOTH: Do you always just appear?
MR. BUXLEY: Bleach cleans blood. Maybe...somebody cut theirselves. Bad.
BRENNAN: You are good, Mr. Buxley. You are very good. Ah. I've missed you.
BOOTH: Did you want something, Mr. Buxley?
Mr. BUXLEY: Oh, right. Uh, Julie asked me to get you all upstairs, uh. Parties startin'.
ANDY: Uh, coming.
BRENNAN: We'll be right there. I want to show Bobby the picture of me in the science cabinet.
BOOTH: Oh, that'd be great. Where's that again?
BRENNAN: It's down the hall.
BOOTH: Hurry up.
(Brennan starts snapping pictures)
BRENNAN: Maybe Angela and Wendell can match the saw blade from the photos.
BOOTH: What if this whole place was bleached, there's gonna be a lot of blood.
BRENNAN: If Evelyn was dismembered here, even if the room was cleaned, the killer may have left some evidence.
BOOTH: I'll gonna go look for a weapon.
BRENNAN: Pie-shaped point.
BOOTH: Right. Pie-shaped point.
BRENNAN: The saw would have created a lot of bone dust. (Booth gets a text message) Some of the dust could have gone in to this computer vent..
BOOTH: I'm getting a text.
BRENNAN: Found some. (She scrapes some of the dust in to an envelope) This might be bone dust.
BOOTH: Turns out, Brad had a large life insurance policy on Evelyn. He definitely knows his way around shop tools. The evidence sure points to Brad.
(Brennan finds a water cooler and fills a cup with water.)
BOOTH: What'd ya got?
(She then proceeds to dump the dust particles into the water to see if any of them sink - which would mean it's bone. Some of the particles sink.)
BRENNAN: Bone dust.
(Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Lounge Area. Hodgins and Wendell are taking a coffee break.)
HODGINS: It's none of my business if you broke up with Angela.
WENDELL: It's your business because we're friends and it's kinda a big deal for me.
HODGINS: Oh. Yeah. Right. Uh, I'm sorry. Of course. You know what? You - you need to - you need to go out. And get drunk, you know. Pick a fight. Steal a car. Come on. I got your back.
WENDELL: What I need is for you to know that I did my best, concerning Angela.
HODGINS: Yeah. I know that already.
WEDELL: I haven't told you about it.
HODGINS: You don't have to; I know you.
(They move to the railing overlooking the platform)
WENDELL: Someday, maybe we can talk about what kind of woman Angela is.
HODGINS: Someday, yeah.
WENDELL: I guess, somewhere I always knew she was just on loan.
HODGINS: She is awesome, isn't she.
WENDELL: It was totally worth it, man. I mean...
HODGINS: I know.
WENDELL: I know you know.
(Cut to: Burtonsville High School - Gym. The party is in full swing now. Everyone is dancing, including Booth and Brennan)
BRAD: (on phone) Well, then let me talk to your supervisor's supervisor...
BOOTH: The sheriff said that Brad is upset. You know, Evelyn should be here by now.
BRENNAN: You know, a lot of people thought I killed Sarah. I think that's why they're so cold to me but I was fine, you know. I had science and history..
BOOTH: And Mr. Buxley.
BRENNAN: Yeah.
(Mr. Buxley is off to the side watching everyone. Becky and Andy are dancing. Carrie is looking on, upset and Brad is still on the phone)
BRAD: (on phone) Yes, I'll hold - for the 50th time.
BRENNAN: Oh! The Electric Slide was my favorite dance
(Brennan starts to do the Electric Slide while Booth does the Sprinkler and other cheesy dance moves)
BRENNAN: I never understood why my classmates didn't appreciate my dance moves more.
(The song changes. "A Kiss from a Rose" by Seal comes on and couples start to pair off to slow dance - while Booth tries to avoid slow dancing by talking about the case.)
BOOTH: So, we get anymore information from the squints on the murder weapon?
BRENNAN: The ice carving tool was close but not an exact match.
BOOTH: Right. Let's get some punch. Let's get some punch.
BRENNAN: (stopping him) Oh! Can we dance? Booth?
BOOTH: What?
BRENNAN: It's Seal.
BOOTH: Well, it's a slow song.
BRENNAN: Oh, I'm sorry. Is that too difficult for you?
BOOTH: (hesitantly) Oh, I just don't want any misunderstandings, here, that's all, Bones. I mean, ya know, we, uh, opened a door that neither one of us wants to walk though.
BRENNAN: I know. I- I just was asking to dance. Because I remembered the song. I'm sorry.
BOOTH: Nah. You know what? Hey, it's just a dance. It's your reunion. Okay. Let's do it. Let's dance. Hey. Come on.
(Brennan moves towards him and wraps her hand around his neck, to get closer, but he pushes her away, placing his hands on her waist- leaving a huge space between them)
BOOTH: Okay.
BRENNAN: Oh. (she laughs) Why are you so far away?
BOOTH: You know, just keeping room for the Holy Spirit. That's all. (he looks over towards Mr. Buxley.) Yow!
(Brennan turns to look. Mr. Buxley is holding a sharp knife)
BRENNAN: Why are you all so suspicious of Mr. Buxley?
BOOTH: Why? Because, you know, he's psycho, he has access to the shop and he has a huge knife.
(Mr. Buxley is near a rope and takes the knife and cuts it. Stars come down from the ceiling and everyone applauds.)
BOOTH: (looking at the stars) That is so cool. (he looks at Brennan) Bones, you're tearing up.
BRENNAN: This is the prom that I never got to go to.
(Booth smiles and moves towards Brennan, she moves in close and wraps her arms around his neck and places her head on his shoulder. At first, Booth is surprised but accepts the dance. They both seem apprehensive at first but after a few seconds, they both look content; happy to be there, dancing together and for those few moments, everything is how it should (could) be.)
(Cut to: Burtonsville High School - Gym. Time has passed but the party is still going strong. Booth and Brennan are sitting at a table, eating.)
BOOTH: Could be the shop teacher, right? Everyone turns him down and he freaks out because he's running out of time to lose his virginity.
BRENNAN: Well, you still haven't confirmed that Carrie was in Florida.
(Carrie walks up carrying pie)
CARRIE: Pie?
BOOTH: Oh, yeah. Sure, that's great. I love pie.
CARRIE: Can't believe Evelyn missed the reunion.
BRENNAN: If she never comes back, then you might get your catering contract back.
(Carrie walks away, annoyed)
BOOTH: See the serving thing? Could be the murder weapon.
BRENNAN: The angles wrong. Andy asked me to Prom after Sarah was murdered. I should have said yes; this is fun! (she laughs) Except for the murder. (She looks over at the stars) They're beautiful, aren't they?
BOOTH: (eating pie and not paying attention) Yeah, that's great.
(Brennan continues to look at them but suddenly, she realizes something.)
BRENNAN: The points are about 48 degrees. (she gets up) Just like Angela's estimate.
BOOTH: (noticing she got up) What are you doing. Whoa, whoa.
(He grabs his pie plate and follows after her)
BRENNAN: Excuse me.
(She moves a chair under one of the stars)
BOOTH: What are ya doing, Bones?
(Andy and Julie are talking when Julie notices Brennan on the chair)
JULIE: Look at her. She is still weird. Hands off, Morticia.
(Brennan pulls the star off the wire)
BRENNAN: (to Booth, handing him the star) Hey, just hold that. (She holds up her phone to take a picture) Just hold up the star and smile, sweetheart.
SHERIFF CONWAY: They're a frickin' love story and I'm feedin' cats.
(Brennan takes a picture, Booth is holding up the star and his pie - huge fake smile on his face.)
(Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Angela's Office. They're looking at the picture that Brennan just took of Booth on the big screen)
ANGELA: So the star points have a 52 degree taper.
CAM: An exact match for the injuries found on the bones.
ANGELA: Yeah, and the edging shows that the stars were cut by the same saw that was used to dismember the body.
HODGINS: But there are multiple wounds. It's hard to believe that she was stabbed, repeatedly, with the star until she was killed.
WENDELL: Can you show us the placement of all the bone injuries?
(She brings up a skeleton on the screen and denotes where the stab wounds were)
CAM: Stab wounds are usually localized.
ANGELA: Well, maybe there were multiple stars.
WENDELL: There. Look. The picture from shop class.
(Angela bring up the picture)
ANGELA: Okay, well this is the drying rack. Uh, this is where they placed the stars when the varnish was drying. So let's see if the points line up.
(Angela starts the animation)
WENDELL: The wounds are so deep, falling wouldn't kill her.
ANGELA: Well, unless somebody shoved her onto them.
WENDELL: That explains the two ribs that were broken and not cut. They were fractured when the murderer through Evelyn onto the stars.
CAM: Digging the stars into her bones and puncturing the pleural cavity, killing her.
HODGINS: Somebody really hated her.
(Cut to: Burtonsville High School - Gym. Brennan is seated at a table, talking to Cam on the phone while Booth listens in.)
BRENNAN: (on phone) Okay, thanks, Cam. (she hangs up the phone then to Booth) The stars are the murder weapon. They were made on the same bandsaw that dismembered Evelyn.
BOOTH: Who made the stars?
(Brennan spots Mr. Buxley sitting by the stage)
BRENNAN: I'll ask.
(She gets up and walks over to him)
MR. BUXLEY: You're not here for the reunion, are you Miss Temperance?
BRENNAN: No, Mr. Buxley.
MR. BUXLEY: Couldn't imagine that. So, who's dead.
BRENNAN: Evelyn. These stars were made here. In the shop.
MR. BUXLEY: The stars killed her?
BRENNAN: Do you know who made them?
MR. BUXLEY: Yeah. Julie. She made all the decorations. She's a regular Martha Stewart.
BRENNAN: Julie?
MR. BUXLEY: Yeah. Don't surprise me, though. One look at her and you can tell she's off. You know them smiley ones, they always give me the willies.
(Becky motions for Brennan to join her)
BRENNAN: What was wrong?
SHERIFF CONWAY: Um, Brad just got off the phone. Evvy never got to Nicaragua.
(Brad is sitting on the bleachers, Julie is talking to him - acting concerned.)
BRAD: Where could she be. Sh-she would have called, right?
(Julie gets up and puts her arm around him)
JULIE: Oh, honey.
BRENNAN: It was her, Booth. It was Julie.
(Cut to: Outside Burtonsville High School. Cop cars are all around and Julie is being led out by Booth, Brennan and Sheriff Conway, in handcuffs)
JULIE: Brad was mine. It was my turn to have him.
BOOTH: Beg your pardon.
JULIE: Evelyn and I made a pact in High School. We got rid of Sarah because she was sleeping with Brad. We had a pact!
BRENNAN: Evelyn and you killed Sarah?
JULIE: She was sleeping with Brad! He was ours. Evvy had him first and now it was my turn to have him. She wouldn't give him up. (to Sheriff Conway) Where is Brad, anyway? Someone should tell him that I'm here. He's gonna be worried about me.
SHERIFF CONWAY: Yeah. Um (she pushes her down into the car) Just get comfy. Watch the hair.
(Julie looks out the car window for Brad.)
(Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Hodgins Office. Hodgins is putting away some files when Angela enters.)
ANGELA: Hey.
HODGINS: Hey.
ANGELA: Did, um..did Wendell tell you? (Hodgins gives her a knowing look) Of course he did, you're friends.
HODGINS: You okay?
ANGELA: Yeah. Yes, I am. As you know, I have some experience in this area. And, I'd like to know if Wendell's alright?
HODGINS: Well, he's doing much better than I did after we broke up.
ANGELA: Well, I don't want to be the kind of person who leaves this string of good-hearted guys behind her, ya know?
HODGINS: Ange, we broke up. Ya know. You did not dump me and Wendell is find. And I gotta tell ya, I think you left him in - in better shape than you found him.
ANGELA: I don't know about that. I mean, I'm pretty sure he was born that way.
HODGINS: Still. He is better for having known you, Angela.
ANGELA: And how can you be sure?
HODGINS: Because I've been there.
(Cut to: Founding Fathers Bar - Night. The whole gang is together, having drinks.)
SWEETS: Even ten or fifteen years later, you put the same, in the same environments and the exact same interpersonal relationships pick up where they left off.
BRENNAN: Well, when the wall fell - the majority of KGB Agents kept their positions when the organization turned to other endeavors.
BOOTH: Are you saying that high school is like the KGB.
HODGINS: Yeah.
CAM: Clandestine meetings, secret pacts, murder. Sounds like her high school.
BRENNAN: Well, I tried to change their perception of me by telling them how rich and successful I've become but they still didn't like me.
SWEETS: Why would you tell them that?
BOOTH: You know what? She didn't do it right.
HODGINS: You told her to do that.
BOOTH: Well, look. It had to be subtle.
ANGELA: I am so never going to my high school reunion, ever.
WENDELL: I think it'd be fun to see how everybody turned out.
HODGINS: Oh, heck, yeah! I'd love to see how Suzanne Dowell turned out. Oh, man. She used to wear these jeans...must have been painted on.
SWEETS: Stephanie Roberts and her little pink shirt.
CAM: Dr. Sweets, are you still with us?
(Cam laughs)
SWEETS: Sorry.
BOOTH: Look, they didn't dislike you, Bones, they just didn't understand you. That's a big difference.
BRENNAN: It didn't bother me. I found the reunion to be quite educational. And you were right. It was good to go back. It made me see how lucky I am. Now. This is what friendship is like; this table. I am very lucky.
HODGINS: Aww. Cheers!
(They all clink glasses/bottles)
EVERYONE: Cheers!
BRENNAN: Salud!
(They all continue to talk, laugh and drink.)
END. | Plan: A: An investigation; Q: What leads Brennan back to her old high school? A: Brennan; Q: Who is helped by her only friend from high school? A: a classmate; Q: Who was murdered at Brennan's high school? A: her class; Q: What class did Brennan's classmate belong to? A: 15 years; Q: How long ago was the murder of a classmate of Brennan's? A: the killer; Q: What is Brennan trying to find? A: the janitor; Q: Who is Ray Buxley? A: Ray Buxley; Q: Who is Brennan's only friend from high school? A: Robert Englund; Q: Who played Ray Buxley? A: the lab; Q: Where did Wendell find out that Angela was pregnant? A: Wendell; Q: Who finds out that Angela was pregnant? A: Hodgins; Q: Who did Wendell accidentally find out that Angela was pregnant from? A: consequences; Q: What does Wendell tell Angela he would have taken his share of the responsibility and what? A: their relationship; Q: What did Angela end with Wendell after he found out about Angela's pregnancy? A: the pregnancy; Q: What did Angela feel was Wendell's obligation to her? A: their high school experience; Q: What do the team share at the bar after the case? A: the friendship; Q: What does Brennan realize she is lucky to have today? Summary: An investigation leads Brennan back to her old high school, where a classmate of Brennan's is found murdered, similar to another girl in her class 15 years prior. Booth and Brennan go undercover as a married couple during the high school reunion to try to discover the killer, which includes several of her previous classmates. Brennan is helped by her only friend from high school, the janitor, Ray Buxley ( Robert Englund ), to help find the killer. Back at the lab, Wendell accidentally finds out from Hodgins that Angela believed she was pregnant and did not tell him. Wendell then tells her would have taken his share of the responsibility and consequences. Later, Angela ends their relationship as she felt his answer to the pregnancy was that it was his obligation. After the case, the team get together at the bar sharing their high school experience. Brennan expresses she was glad she attended the reunion and that she realizes how lucky she is to have the friendship she has today. |
The nursing home, Shane's room
Emma: But you were supposed to be a doctor, not a patient. *Backs away* This was such a mistake.
Shane: Don't go! Please! Wait, don't go! *Feels Emma's hair* You have pretty blonde hair like Emma's.
Emma: *Slaps his hand away* Stop it!
Shane: *Picks up a photo of Spike and Emma* She's my daughter. But she doesn't love me.
Emma: Why would you say that?
Shane: She never comes to visit me, she doesn't care about me.
Emma: *Beginning to cry* Maybe she couldn't find you until now. I'm Emma
Shane: No, Emma's just little. She... *Looks into Emma's eyes* You're Emma. *He hugs Emma* Don't be sad. Everything's ok. Your daddy's here now. Daddy's here. -The skate park-
Spinner: Still mad I stole your stupid MP3 player?
Jimmy: No, it's ancient history.
Spinner: Good, then let's just bury the hammer.
Jimmy: Fine. Is that it?
Spinner: No, well I... I kind of need your locker.
Jimmy: You need my locker, or Paige does?
Spinner: I just... I need it
Jimmy: *Laughs* Ok. What you do need is a backbone. *In a funny voice* Oh, Paige I'd do anything...
Spinner: *Shoves Jimmy* Hey, shut up ok? I'm not like that.
Jimmy: You know what? Admit it and the locker's yours.
Spinner: Ok, I have no backbone
Jimmy: No. See, you're preaching to the converted. You need to tell everybody. Tomorrow by noon or no deal. *He skates away* *Spinner heaves a great sigh* -Shane's room-
Emma: How long have you been here?
Shane: *Eating his lunch* About since I fell and hit my head.
Emma: You fell?
Shane: Yep. *Emma stares blankly* Don't be sad, my head's ok now. *Taps his head* See? It doesn't hurt, I'm ok.
Emma: Why didn't anyone tell me this? *The nurse barges in with Craig*
Nurse: Shane? Can I borrow your guest please? *Pulls Emma aside* Just who do you think you are just barging in here?
Emma: I'm his daughter Emma, actually.
Nurse: Oh. *She turns to Shane, who nods.* But you can't surprise him like that. He suffered a traumatic brain injury, so he has specific routines that he needs to stick to, but I think that's enough for today. Ok Shane? Emma has to go home now, so stand up and say goodbye.
Shane: No! *Throws his tray of food on the floor* She's staying!
Nurse: Shane...
Shane: She can't go. No.
Nurse: *Tries to give him his knitting* Here
Shane: She can't go!
Nurse: Take your knitting and...
Shane: No!
Nurse: Yes *Gets him to sit down*
Shane: No!
Nurse: It's ok, she'll be back. Come on
Shane: No
Nurse: Take your knitting. It's ok. Come on *Shane begins to calm down*
Emma: I'm going to write you. And you can write me too, ok? And I'm going to visit again. Soon. *Writes down her address* *Craig takes a picture*
Nurse: Come on *Ushers Emma and Craig out*
Shane: Promise?
Emma: Promise. *Shane smiles and begins knitting* -At the train station-
Emma: My mom is such a liar!
Craig: She's probably got an explanation.
Emma: Like what? She's evil? I hate her! I so wish she wasn't my mom.
Craig: No, you're overreacting.
Emma: Craig, my father is brain damaged.
Craig: At least you have a dad. Last time I checked, you had two.
Emma: I'm sorry, I'm an idiot.
Craig: No, you're not. Let's just... Let's just go home *They approach the ticket window*
Worker: Sorry, you just missed the last train. No more till morning.
Emma: Nothing?
Worker: No. -Joey's house- *Joey, Angela, and Caitlin are cleaning up*
Joey: Are you going to help daddy?
Caitlin: *Playing with a baby toy* Spike forgot one of her gifts. This is very cute, who got it?
Joey: Actually, that's uh the gift Sydney got her. *Caitlin breaks the toy*
Joey: What'd you do?
Caitlin: Hardly even touched it. I can't help it if people buy cheap gifts.
Joey: Hey Ang, I think Caitlin is Jealous of Daddy's new friend.
Caitlin: Dream on. You know what your problem is? You have a big head.
Joey: I have a big head?
Caitlin: Yeah.
Joey: Angie, does daddy have a big head?
Angela: Yep
Joey: *Laughs* Oooh, you little... *The phone rings, Joey answers it*
Joey: Hello? You're where? -Train station- *Joey is walking Emma and Craig to his car, he is very angry*
Joey: What a great way to start off the school year, guys. Second day of school, and like "Oh, oh I know. Let's skip. Oh aren't we cool?" You know it took me over an hour to get here? What am I, a taxi service? Just one question. Stouffville? What on earth is in Stouffville?
Emma: My dad. *She gets into the car.* -Emma's house, late at night- *Spike is knitting, Snake is tapping the table, Emma enters*
Spike: *Angry* You have a lot of explaining to do. *Emma says nothing*
Spike: You're not talking to me? Emma, you start talking right now!
Emma: You lied to me, mom. I found him
Spike: Shane? You found Shane?
Emma: Right where you left him. In that prison in Stouffville, how could you?
Spike: I didn't put him there, his parents did!
Emma: You didn't stop them? How could you?
Spike: I was 16! *Suddenly groans in pain*
Snake: *Guides her back to her chair* Come on, sit down. *Sits her down*
Spike: False alarm.
Snake: Emma, please. Let's just talk this through rationally. *Emma shakes her head*
Snake: Emma, sit!
Emma: You don't talk to me like that, you're not my dad. *Storms off to her room, and breaks down into tears* -Degrassi, Mr. Armstrong's class*
Mr. Armstrong: (B-3)*(4B-7) Now, in this problem, we need to solve for B. *Spinner is fidgeting nervously*
Jimmy: *Making ticking noises behind him* It's 11:45. Time's running out Mr. Spineless.
Mr. Armstrong: So, who's going to be brave and come up to the board and solve this one for me? *Spinner goes up to the front*
Mr. Armstrong: Gavin, I can't tell you how excited I am to finally see you up here *Hands him some chalk* *Spinner stares at the board blankly*
Random Student: Come on, genius.
Spinner: *Turns around* I have no backbone.
Mr. Armstrong: Excuse me?
Spinner: I have no backbone. *Everyone laughs, Jimmy signals for him to continue*
Spinner: I'm whipped. I'm spineless. My girlfriend completely runs my life.
Mr. Armstrong: OK, alright, settle down. I knew it was too good to be true. Gavin, please take your seat. *Spinner sits down* Anyone else? Michelle, why don't you come up here and show him how it's done?
Spinner: Are you happy? Can I have the locker now?
Jimmy: Yeah, you earned it. *Spinner smiles, and looks over at Paige, who is quite unhappy. He sighs* -Emma's house- *Spike is listening to Mozart and knitting. She drops a stitch. From outside, someone rings the doorbell furiously. She goes to answer it, ringing continues*
Spike: Alright, I'm coming. *She opens the door, and sees Shane* Shane...
Shane: Miss me? -Degrassi- *Emma is walking through the halls and Snake stops her*
Snake: You missed breakfast.
Emma: Wasn't up to it.
Snake: Can I talk to you for a minute? *Emma walks away* Please, this is important. *She turns around* From where you sit your mom looks terrible, heartless. But you don't know her side yet. When Spike got pregnant, Shane wanted to be involved, but his family wouldn't let him. One night he took acid, and jumped off a bridge, or fell, who knows? She took you to visit him once. -Flashback to the doctor's office-
Shane: *Leaning in close to 3-year-old Emma* Hi Emma. Hi Emma. Hi Emma. *Two doctors restrain him and pull him away* No! I want to... No! No! *The pink ball rolls out of Emma's hand* -Back to present-
Snake: Your mom was afraid that he might hurt you.
Emma: Ok, but she could have told me.
Snake: She was waiting till you got older, and maybe... maybe that was wrong. *Tosses her a quarter* Just call her, ok? *He walks away* -Emma's house- *Shane is looking at a picture of Spike and Snake in their wedding outfits*
Shane: When did you marry Snake?
Spike: Last year.
Shane: You didn't tell me.
Spike: No, I didn't have to.
Shane: He doesn't have to be your husband
Spike: He is.
Shane: But if he wasn't, this could be me. *Feels the baby* This could be ours. *Listens to the baby kicking* *Spike ties to reach for the phone, but Shane grabs it*
Shane: You're not calling anyone! -Degrassi- *Emma puts the coin in the slot and dials home. She gets a busy signal. She hangs up and leaves.* -Emma's house- *Shane has left the phone off the hook*
Spike: Shane, I have a pre-natal checkup. Why don't we call you a cab?
Shane: I'll stay.
Spike: I'm sorry Shane, you can't.
Shane: But this is my home.
Spike: No it isn't. Look around
Shane: *Throws the phone on the ground* No! No! *Starts knocking stuff over while Spike looks on shocked* No! No! No! -Degrassi-
Spinner: Paige...
Paige: Leave me alone, Spinner.
Spinner: Let me talk to you.
Paige: For what? So you can call me a shrew, a hag, or some freaky shrieky demanding witch?
Spinner: I didn't mean it!
Paige: Why? Why would you do something so horrible?
Spinner: I made a deal, if I said I had no backbone in class, Jimmy would give me his locker.
Paige: And you did it? You humiliated me just to get a locker?
Spinner: I didn't humiliate you!
Paige: You did so!
Spinner: You know what? I have no idea how to please you, you just tell me to work a miracle, then you're mad at me for doing it, what do you want?
Paige: From you? Nothing, ever!*She storms off* *Spinner kicks his locker and throws his binder on the ground* -Emma's house-
Spike: Shane, you hurt your hand. Why don't I go get some ice for it?
Shane: No.
Spike: Shane, you have the phone, it's not like I can call anybody.
Shane: No.
Spike: Would you at least let me look at it then? *Shane allows her to, she plucks the phone out of his hand and begins to dial*
Shane: You liar! How could you lie to me like that? *Makes several attempts to grab the phone, but fails* Give me the phone! *He finally wrests it from Spike, Spike starts doubling over, clutching her stomach in pain. Shane begins kicking things*
Spike: Oh, no! The baby's coming. *Emma comes in*
Emma: Mom, what happened? *Sees the mess* Shane? What are you doing?
Shane: She tricked me!
Spike: Em, this is it. It's time.
Shane: She's a liar!
Emma: She's my mom, and if you hurt her, I will never ever speak to you again.
Spike: Phone Snake.
Shane: No, you're trying to send me away. I'm not going anywhere.
Emma: But mom needs help. So give me the phone *Shane doesn't give it up* Take mom's knitting. You like to knit *Shane gives her the phone and takes the knitting. Emma calls the school* -Degrassi-
Secretary: *Answering the phone* Degrassi community school, this is Ms. Smith *Mr. Raditch and Joey enter*
Mr. Raditch: I seem to recall you skipping class a couple times *They both laugh*
Secretary: Mr. Raditch? I have Emma Nelson on line 2, she's looking for Mr. Simpson. His wife is in labor.
Mr. Raditch: Oh, he's out back with his insect club.
Joey: I'll go get him.
Secretary: Emma, we're going to get him now -Emma's house- *Shane continues to knit, Spike is in labor*
Emma: Remember mom, breathe in through your nose, out through your mouth, all at once. I'll phone Liz. *She calls Liz on speed dial* -In the forest behind Degrassi- *Snake with Liberty and 2 others is slowly approaching a butterfly on a leaf*
Snake: *Whispering* Moving softly, moving gently, moving quietly.
Joey: Snake! Snake! Spike's going to have the baby, man! Come on! She's in labor, let's go.
Snake: I'm going to be a dad? I'm going to be a dad, I'm going to be a dad! *Hugs Liberty, and then runs away with Joey*
Joey: Wait up!
[SCENE_BREAK]
-Science classroom- *Mr. Raditch is talking with Spinner*
Mr. Raditch: ...And code of conduct says that students that wish to trade lockers must ask for permission from the office. You are going to move back. And everyone else that's involved in your "scheme" is going to be back in their lockers by the end of the day. *He exits* *Paige approaches*
Paige: So, can I still sit here, do you want me to maybe trade with somebody? *Spinner says nothing* Ok, thanks *she sits down*
Spinner: I was just trying to make you happy. I wanted you to have the perfect locker.
Paige: I don't need the perfect locker.
Spinner: Yeah? Then why didn't you take Hazel's?
Paige: It wasn't... It wasn't good enough.
Spinner: Yeah, like me. What kind of loser fails English, plus I'm totally broke, course you hate me.
Paige: I so do not hate you. I'm sorry if I was demanding, ok? You're free to say I wasn't, hon.
Spinner: I never noticed.
Paige: It was a super sweet idea.
Spinner: Well how about a kiss then? *They kiss, Jimmy enters*
Jimmy: *Making a whip crack noise* Kiss me now.
Paige: Poor lonely jealous James. If only he had someone to kiss. As if.
Spinner: That's why you're my girl. *He kisses her again* -Emma's house- *Liz as arrived and is helping Spike through the delivery*
Liz: The baby's fine. There's nothing to worry about.
Spike: Except for the mind-blowing agony. Ow! *Liz wipes Spike's forehead*
Spike: Em. Em, I'm so sorry I didn't tell you. I meant to. I wanted you to hear it from me, not this way.
Emma: Don't worry about it now.
Spike: You're important, you're so important. You're important to me. *She continues pushing* *Snake runs in*
Snake: What happened in here?
Shane: Hi, Snake. *Snake looks bewildered, but realizes it's not the time to ask*
Emma: Don't worry about it now, we're all ok. *Spike gives one final push* -Later that day, Emma's front porch- *Shane is finishing up the wool hat Spike was making*
Emma: You fixed it. It's beautiful.
Shane: Your mom's not very good at knitting. *A black People Carrier from Shane's nursing home pulls up*
Nurse: Shane, it's time to go. *Shane makes his way towards the vehicle*
Emma: Wait *She hands him Craig's photo* It's a photo of me and you. Craig took it. *Shane embraces the photo*
Shane: Bye-bye, Emma
Emma: Bye *Shane gets in the van, and it drives away* *Emma goes back inside the house, Spike and Snake are cuddling with baby Jack*
Snake: Hey, who's that pretty girl? That's your sister. Her name's Emma
Spike: Em, what I said before, how I wanted to tell you...
Emma: Yeah, I know. Thanks.
Liz: Em, come sit down so I can take your picture. *Emma goes over to Snake and Spike*
Emma: You know what Jack? You look just like our dad. *Liz snaps the photo* | Plan: A: The Simpson-Nelson household; Q: Who prepares for the arrival of the new baby? A: Spike; Q: Who wants to have a home birth? A: the new school year; Q: What is the first day of? A: Emma; Q: Who decides to ditch school with Craig to find her real father? A: Snake's daughter; Q: What is Emma mistaken for? A: Shane McKay; Q: Who is Emma's real father? A: a hard time; Q: What is Spinner having finding the perfect gift for Paige? Summary: The Simpson-Nelson household prepares for the arrival of the new baby when Spike announces that she wants to have a home birth. On the first day of the new school year, Emma becomes irritated that people keep mistaking her as Snake's daughter, so she decides to ditch school with Craig and find her real father, Shane McKay. When she does ultimately find him, she is not prepared for what she sees. Meanwhile, Spinner is having a hard time finding the "perfect" gift for Paige and decides to get her a new locker. |
•I do not own the characters or situations of BTVS, and I claim no credit for the content of this episode. I have merely transcribed what appeared on my screen, with help from the closed captions. •I prefer that you link to this transcript on the Psyche site rather than post it on your site, but you can post it on your site if you want, as long as you keep my name and email address on it. Please also keep my disclaimers intact. •You can use my transcripts in your fanfiction stories; you don't have to ask my permission. (However, if you use large portions of episode dialogue in your fanfic, I recommend you give credit to the person who wrote the episode.) •I apologize in advance for my lame transcription of the fight scenes. I don't know the names of different punches and kicks. Use your imagination.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Teaser
GILES VOICEOVER: Previously on Buffy the Vampire Slayer...
SPIKE: I love you.
BUFFY: The only chance you had with me was when I was unconscious. Buffy running down the walkway atop the tower.
DAWN: Buffy, no. Buffy jumping into the wormhole. The Scooby gang gathered around Buffy's dead body.
DAWN: No!
XANDER: You're talking about raising the dead. It feels wrong.
TARA: It is wrong.
WILLOW: She could be trapped! The foursome doing their resurrection spell.
WILLOW: I'm not gonna leave her there. Willow pouring blood out of the jug, putting it on her face.
WILLOW: Osiris, master of all fate, let her cross over. Buffy's corpse reviving. Shot of Buffy's gravestone. Buffy digging her way out of her grave.
WILLOW: Buffy?
ANYA: What's wrong with her?
WILLOW: She's in shock. The Hellions destroying Sunnydale.
DAWN: Who are they?
SPIKE: Road pirates. They raid towns, use 'em up, burn 'em down. Buffy beating up demons. Dawn hugging Buffy.
DAWN: You're alive, and you're home. You're home.
WILLOW: She's at home. She has to be. We're, we just need to get there, and she'll be there.
TARA: This is the fastest way?
XANDER: Absolutely.
TARA: You sure?
XANDER: Hey, I've done a lot of fleeing on these mean streets. I know all the shortcuts.
ANYA: I don't like this. (points to something they pass that's on fire) Look, fire. Fire is rarely a sign of imminent safety.
WILLOW: I wish we were there already.
XANDER: Hey, hey, don't worry, ladies, I'll get us there just fine. My senses are primed for danger, and nothing's gonna- Xander yells in surprise as three demons on motorcycles come roaring up behind them. The demons ignore them, just ride around them and on down the alley. Xander stumbles back, rattled. The girls steady him.
XANDER: (shaky) I'm okay. (pats himself) Four. Four limbs.
ANYA: Well, at least the demons almost hit you on the way *out* of town.
XANDER: Yeah, now that their leader's gone they seem to be making with the big skedaddle.
WILLOW: (looks around nervously) I-it was Buffy, right? We, we saw her and it was really Buffy? They resume walking.
ANYA: I think we screwed it up. She's broken.
WILLOW: No! She's not broken! She's just ... disoriented from being ... tormented in some hell dimension. Probably tortured and ... It's like, we don't even know how much time has passed there for her, uh, possibly years. That's not something you just get over. Oh my God. What if she never gets over it?
ANYA: And you think of this now?
TARA: What are you thinking, Willow? That-that she's ... that she's not right, or, or maybe like, dangerous?
Cut to Buffy and Dawn standing on a sidewalk. The street behind them is littered with debris from the demons' attack.
DAWN: (nervous) Home! See? We see they're standing in front of their house, looking at it.
DAWN: You're back home. We're all okay now. Buffy just stares, looking disheveled and unhappy. Wolf howl. Opening credits. Guest starring Amber Benson as Tara. Written by Jane Espenson, directed by David Solomon.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Act I
[SCENE_BREAK]
Open on Buffy in the foyer as Dawn closes the front door behind them. Buffy moves toward the living room. Dawn turns on a light and Buffy winces in pain.
BUFFY: Ow. Dawn watches anxiously as Buffy surveys the living room.
BUFFY: It's different.
DAWN: A little. Uh, Willow and Tara live here now, and, uh, we ... Shot of a photo of Joyce, in a frame on a table.
DAWN: ...we didn't do much... Buffy stares at the photo.
DAWN: We moved some of the chairs, and took out some of the little tables, but... Dawn trails off as Buffy turns and heads toward the dining room. Dawn turns and follows, turns on the light in the dining room.
DAWN: This is the same. Except the computer stuff. Shot of a laptop computer set up at one end of the dining-room table.
DAWN: That's Willow's, obviously. We eat at the other end... Buffy has already turned and walked off. Dawn turns and notices.
DAWN: (softly, with self-disgust) Obviously. Dawn looks up the stairs after Buffy for a moment, then follows.
Cut to a sink with faucet running, hands squeezing out a face-cloth. Pan up to reveal it's Dawn. She turns off the faucet and turns to Buffy, who stands staring at her reflection in the mirror. Buffy no longer wears her black coffin dress, but a loose white button-down shirt that is unbuttoned with a camisole underneath. Her hair is pulled back neatly. Dawn very carefully begins wiping Buffy's neck with the cloth.
DAWN: There you are. Knew you were under that dirt somewhere. (nervous laugh) Buffy doesn't react, just stares at her reflection. Dawn looks nervous, turns back to the sink, then back to Buffy.
DAWN: (false cheer) You remember what Mom used to say? "Either wash that neck or plant potatoes." (Buffy still doesn't react) Yeah, I never thought it was funny either. Dawn indicates Buffy's shirt.
DAWN: You want to button that, or, um... Buffy looks down. Shot of her hands, which are still bloody. Dawn notices them for the first time.
DAWN: Ohh ... ow. Dawn gently lifts Buffy's hands to look at them. Buffy jerks them back.
DAWN: Um, we'll ... take care of that after.
BUFFY: Okay.
DAWN: Here, I'll do the shirt. (begins buttoning the shirt) And then, then we'll do your hands. Buffy frowns, looks around.
DAWN: See how nice you look... Buffy walks away before Dawn can finish buttoning. Dawn watches her go, looks upset.
Cut to Buffy walking into Willow and Tara's room. Dawn enters behind her, turns on the light. Again Buffy winces.
DAWN: Mom's room. (walks closer to Buffy) I know it's really different now.
BUFFY: Willow and Tara. This is their room.
DAWN: Yeah, well, it seemed to make the most sense. No one was using it, and it's the biggest. But, you know, now that you're here, we'll have to figure out something to do. Buffy has turned to leave again. Dawn sighs, moves to block her way.
DAWN: (frustrated) Buffy? You wanna, like, stop? (hopeful) We can ... we can sit down and talk.
BUFFY: What else is different?
DAWN: (sighs) Do you mean about the house, or... Buffy kind of shrugs, doesn't look at her.
DAWN: Um. Let's see ... Giles. It's so weird. He, he left today. Because you were ... (Buffy doesn't appear to react) He, he'll come right back, I'll call him. Someone'll call him.
BUFFY: What...
DAWN: What what? Buffy seems to be drifting in and out of attention. She snaps out of it again.
BUFFY: Uh ... What, um ... will you say to him? Sound of a door opening downstairs. Buffy goes on full alert, looks around anxiously.
BUFFY: What's that?
DAWN: It's okay. It's okay. SPIKE:(O.S.) Dawn! Dawn! Are you there?
DAWN: (to Buffy) It, it's just Spike. (calls) I'm here! Dawn gives Buffy a look, heads out. Buffy follows.
Cut to the foyer. Shot from above as Spike slams the door angrily, looking up the stairs at the camera.
SPIKE: Thank God. You scared me half to death ... or more to death. You - I could kill you. Dawn walks slowly down the stairs, giving Spike a look, trying to clue him in.
DAWN: Spike.
SPIKE: I mean it. I could rip your head off one-handed and drink from your brain stem. Dawn reaches the bottom of the stairs. Spike finally realizes something is up.
DAWN: Look. Dawn turns back and we see Buffy coming down the stairs behind her.
SPIKE: Yeah? I've seen the bloody bot before. Didn't think she'd patch up so- He breaks off, staring at Buffy. She continues down the stairs, returning his gaze.
DAWN: She's kind of, um ... She's been through a lot ... with the ... death. But I think she's okay. Buffy suddenly notices her shirt is still unbuttoned, begins buttoning it. Dawn looks at Spike, who continues staring in disbelief.
DAWN: Spike? Are *you* okay?
SPIKE: I'm ... what did you do?
DAWN: Me? Nothing. Buffy clutches the top of her shirt closed, looks up at Spike a little fearfully.
SPIKE: Her hands. Buffy lowers her hands, puts them behind her back, looks uncomfortable.
DAWN: Um, I was gonna fix 'em. I don't know how they got like that.
SPIKE: I do. Clawed her way out of a coffin, that's how. (to Buffy) Isn't that right?
BUFFY: (quietly) Yeah. That's ... what I had to do.
SPIKE: Done it myself. Throughout this, Spike continues staring at her as if he thinks he's dreaming. Now he snaps out of it.
SPIKE: Um ... We'll take care of you. Come here. He puts out his arm and guides Buffy into the living room.
SPIKE: (to Dawn) Get some stuff, uh, mercurochrome, bandages.
DAWN: Okay. Dawn goes off. Spike follows Buffy into the living room. She sits on the sofa and he sits on the coffee-table facing her. He takes her hands in his and looks at them. Then he looks up at her face and their eyes meet.
BUFFY: How long was I gone?
SPIKE: Hundred forty-seven days yesterday. Uh ... hundred forty-eight today. (smiles a little) 'Cept today doesn't count, does it? Buffy doesn't respond. He looks at her hands again, then back at her face.
SPIKE: How long was it for you ... where you were?
BUFFY: (pause) Longer. Dawn reappears from the kitchen carrying medical supplies.
DAWN: Got the stuff. As she enters the living room, the front door bursts open and the others rush in.
WILLOW: Is she here?
ANYA: She's here!
WILLOW: You're here.
XANDER: We didn't know where you were.
ANYA: You ran away.
WILLOW: Buffy!
TARA: Are you okay? The above goes by very fast as Buffy and Spike are standing up. Spike moves aside with a disgusted expression.
DAWN: (shocked)You knew she was back? In the background we see Spike exit out the front door, but no one notices.
DAWN: How did you know?
ANYA: (to Buffy) You're not a zombie, are you?
XANDER: Anya!
WILLOW: Are you in pain?
XANDER: What do you remember?
TARA: What do you know about what happened? Buffy sits back down, looks like she can't handle the barrage of questions.
DAWN: Hey! Back off! The Scoobies look at Dawn in surprise.
DAWN: You did this. What did you do?
WILLOW: A spell. We, we did a spell.
ANYA: We didn't think it worked, but-
DAWN: Is she going to be okay?
BUFFY: I'm okay. Everyone looks at Buffy. Shot of the Scoobies from her perspective: towering over her, looking a little menacing.
BUFFY: I'm gonna be fine. I remember. You brought me back.
ANYA: What was it like?
BUFFY: I, I can't...
XANDER: It's okay. You don't have to talk about this, Buff. Hey, do you want something? Anything. Pizza. I'll get you pizza.
ANYA: Buffy likes pizza.
TARA: Yeah, something to eat-
WILLOW: She doesn't want pizza.
TARA: I just meant-
DAWN: (sharply) Guys! Back off. Beat.
WILLOW: Right, uh, Dawn's right. We should just be quiet, and let Buffy tell us what she needs. Another shot from Buffy's POV of the foursome staring down at her. She looks uncomfortable, gets up.
BUFFY: I, I think I ... just wanna go to sleep.
TARA: That's a good idea. You, you should sleep.
WILLOW: Right. Long day. But, Buffy ... be happy. (big smile) We got you out. We really did it. Buffy looks at them, still uncomfortable.
BUFFY: (apologetically) Tired.
ANYA: Well, yeah. I mean ... jet-lag from hell has gotta be, you know, jet-lag from hell.
BUFFY: (toward Dawn) My room is still...
DAWN: Yeah. Yes. It's your room. Buffy exits. The others watch her go, then look at each other.
WILLOW: (defensively) Well, she, she's fine! Normal! She used to go to bed all the time!
Cut to: exterior Summers house, night. Anya and Xander come out, cross the porch and begin down the stairs.
ANYA: I think Willow's wrong. I don't think she's particularly normal at all.
XANDER: Well, she just got back. Give it time. I bet in a week she'll be our little Bufferin again.
ANYA: Oh yes, cause six or seven days, that's all you really need to get over eternal hell experiences. Xander hears something, looks off to the left.
XANDER: Who's that? Spike? We see Spike leaning against a tree, his back to them. He lifts a hand and wipes his eyes. Xander and Anya come closer.
XANDER: What are you doing out here? I hope you're not going to start your little obsession now that she's around again. Spike grabs Xander and spins him around, slams him up against the tree and holds him there.
ANYA: Hey!
SPIKE: You didn't tell me. You brought her back and you didn't tell me.
XANDER: Well, now you know.
SPIKE: I worked beside you all summer.
XANDER: We didn't tell you. It was just ... we didn't, okay?
SPIKE: Listen. I've figured it out. Spike lets go of Xander but doesn't move away, continues glaring at him.
SPIKE: (angrily) Maybe you haven't, but I have. Spike still has tears in his eyes. He points toward the house.
SPIKE: Willow knew there was a chance that she'd come back wrong. So wrong that you'd have ... that she would have to get rid of what came back. And I wouldn't let her. If any part of that was Buffy, I wouldn't let her. And that's why she shut me out.
XANDER: What are you talking about? Willow wouldn't do that.
SPIKE: (sarcastic) Oh. Is that right.
XANDER: Look. You're just covering. Don't tell me you're not happy. (Spike scoffs) Look me in the eyes, and tell me when you saw Buffy alive, that wasn't the happiest moment of your entire existence. Spike gives Xander a "you just don't get it" scowl, turns and walks off.
SPIKE: (as he walks) That's the thing about magic. There's always consequences. We see the motorcycle that Spike acquired in "Bargaining" sitting on the street in front of the house. Spike gets on it.
SPIKE: Always! He starts up the bike and rides off as Xander and Anya watch.
Cut to Buffy's room. She stands in front of the mirror, still dressed, staring blankly at her reflection. Sound of a door closing. Buffy starts, looks toward the hallway.
Cut to the hallway. Willow, wearing pajamas, walks from the bathroom to her room.
Cut to Willow and Tara's room. Tara is brushing her hair in front of a mirror. Willow enters.
WILLOW: Hey.
TARA: Did you get through to London?
WILLOW: Yeah. He's gonna head back as soon as he can. I'm not sure, like maybe a couple days.
TARA: (stops brushing hair, turns to Willow) How did he take it?
WILLOW: (rubbing lotion on her arms) Um ... I'm not sure. I mean ... glad, but ... kinda weirded out, which I get, you know? Lots of "dear lords". And I think I actually heard him cleaning his glasses. Tara smiles, turns and takes off her robe.
TARA: Are you worried?
WILLOW: Worried? Tara, it worked fine. (not convincingly) It's all good.
TARA: (gets into bed) Hey, Will, this is me. It doesn't all have to be "good" and "fine." This is the room where you don't have to be brave. I still love you. If you're worried you can be worried.
WILLOW: Well ... I'm not ... unworried. I mean, what, what happened, that was intense. (closes the door) That's ... gotta change you. Willow turns off the light, gets into bed with Tara.
WILLOW: When Angel came back ... Buffy said ... he was wild. Like an animal.
TARA: Buffy's not like that.
WILLOW: Yeah.
TARA: But?
WILLOW: (points at her head) It's just kinda ... noisy up here tonight, you know?
TARA: Yeah. Tara snuggles up to Willow, puts her face next to hers and an arm across Willow's middle.
TARA: Is this better?
WILLOW: (smiles) Yeah. I think it makes things quieter in here. They lie cuddled up together. Willow lightly stroking Tara's bare arm.
TARA: You know what I think? I think we all just assumed crash positions.
WILLOW: Huh?
TARA: It's, it's, it's like ... we were all tensed up, like ... we were expecting it to screw up. We weren't prepared for it to ... actually go right.
WILLOW: Yeah. Beat. Willow continues staring at the ceiling.
WILLOW: Tara?
TARA: Yeah?
WILLOW: If things did go right ... wouldn't you think she'd be ... happier? Like, wouldn't you think she would be so happy that we brought her out?
TARA: Sure she is. Willow isn't convinced.
TARA: You thought she'd say thanks. Be more grateful.
WILLOW: Would I be a terrible person if I said yes?
TARA: Give her time. She'll get there.
WILLOW: Right. No need to be in a big furry hurry.
TARA: Exactly.
Cut to Buffy's room. She is now sitting on the bed, still dressed.
TARA VOICEOVER: I'm sure it's okay. Buffy gets up, picks up a picture from the bedside table. Close shot of the photo of Buffy, Xander, and Willow all smiling. She puts it back, goes over to the wall. There's a bulletin board covered with more pictures of the Scoobies in various combinations, all smiling.
Suddenly the images change: all the flesh melts away and the smiling faces become dead skeleton faces. Buffy closes her eyes in anguish, opens them again. The photos are back to normal. Buffy stares at them. Blackout.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Act II
[SCENE_BREAK]
Open on the Summers house, night. Shot of Willow and Tara's bed. They are asleep. Suddenly something crashes against the framed picture above the bed. The glass shatters and falls on Willow and Tara. They both sit up.
WILLOW: Buffy? We see Buffy silhouetted at the foot of the bed, lit by moonlight.
BUFFY: (low hoarse voice) What did you do? Do you know what you did? You're like children. (Willow and Tara sitting up in bed staring in fear) Your hands smell of death. Bitches! Filthy little bitches, rattling the bones. Did you cut the throat? Did you pat its head? Buffy grabs a crystal ball off a nearby table and throws it at them. Willow and Tara shriek as it smashes on the wall above their heads.
BUFFY: (shouts) The blood dried on your hands, didn't it?
TARA: Oh my god, oh my god.
BUFFY: (shouts) You were stained. You still are. I know what you did! Willow jumps out of bed and turns on the lights. Shot of the room. It's empty except for Willow and Tara. Buffy is gone. Tara looks at the bed she's lying on.
TARA: The glass. There's no glass.
Cut to Buffy's room. It's dark. A sliver of light appears as the door opens, revealing Buffy asleep in bed. We see Willow and Tara standing by the door. They exchange a look, then Willow pulls the door shut. Buffy doesn't wake. Cut back to Willow and Tara's room. They reenter.
WILLOW: (quietly) Okay, what in the frilly heck is going on?
TARA: Maybe we dreamed it.
WILLOW: (closing the door) Right. Right. Wrong! (points at her head) Different brains.
TARA: Oh yeah. Tara goes to the table and touches the crystal ball, which is intact.
TARA: Well ... what was it talking about? Did you understand it?
WILLOW: Well, I understood the words, but ... no. Suddenly Tara sees something behind Willow, gasps in fear. Willow turns to look. We see some kind of distortion on the wall, moving across the wall toward the door, and then it's gone. WILLOW:What was that?
TARA: There's, there's something in the house.
WILLOW: What is it after? Is it ... Buffy?
TARA: I don't know.
WILLOW: That's it, I'm gonna call. (grabs the phone) I hope Xander's up.
Cut to Xander and Anya's bedroom. Anya leans over Xander in the bed.
ANYA: Xander, are you up? I can't sleep. (pause, no response) Play a word game with me. Still no response. Pan out until we can see Xander lying there asleep beside Anya.
ANYA: Xander, are you awake? Okay, I'm going to describe an adjective with accurate but misleading clues, and then you have to guess what it is. (pause) Xander? (pokes him) Xander? Still nothing. Then the phone rings. Xander is immediately awake.
XANDER: Huh? What? Do what?
ANYA: (exasperated, lies back) That oughta do it. Xander reaches across her and grabs the phone.
XANDER: (into phone) Hello?
WILLOW: (on phone) Xander, it's me, Willow. (Anya gets out of bed, walks off) We were just attacked.
XANDER: Attacked? A vampire? Cut back to Summers house. We see Willow and Tara huddling over the phone.
WILLOW: No, it was Buffy. Or something that looked like her. Cut back to Xander's bedroom. He sits up on the edge of the bed.
TARA: (on phone) Like she was possessed. Cut back to Willow and Tara.
WILLOW: And then she just disappeared, a-and, and we saw something... a little ... there's something in the house. Back to Xander's room. In the background we see Anya moving around in the kitchen.
XANDER: (slurred) In the house? All right, Willow, you need to get out of there, just get everyone out. Suddenly we see Anya with her eyes glowing greyish-white. She laughs a weird laugh and moves toward Xander.
XANDER: (into phone) Wake up Buffy and Dawn. Don't make a big deal- We see Anya still moving toward him. She has a knife and is using it to cut her face. She continues laughing. Xander looks up and sees her.
XANDER: Gah! He jumps up, grabs the knife. Anya crumples to the floor unconscious. Her cheeks are unmarked.
XANDER: Anya! He kneels beside her.
XANDER: Anya! Shot of Anya's feet with Xander's foot beside them. A weird bulge appears in the carpet and moves away from them, into the kitchen.
WILLOW: (on phone) Xander? Xander!
Cut to the next day. Close on Xander's face.
XANDER: Very bad. Very, very, very bad. Bad. Pan out to reveal they are sitting on lawn chairs in the Summers' backyard. Anya sits on the arm of Xander's chair, rubbing his back.
ANYA: (to Willow and Tara) He's all traumatized.
WILLOW: Well, whatever it is, it's not the, the traditional haunting, because i-it's not limited to one specific place, and there's not, you know, a dead person.
TARA: Not any more.
ANYA: I bet it's a hitchhiker.
XANDER: A hitchhiker?
ANYA: Um, standard way to travel through dimensions. Uh, some demon-thing sees someone moving between worlds, and grabs on for the ride.
WILLOW: You mean like, some hell-beastie rode in with Buffy? Like ... we're responsible for this?
TARA: Assume crash positions.
ANYA: I think we shouldn't've brought Buffy back. I knew it was going to end badly. I should've said something.
XANDER: Okay, fine, but ... what are we gonna do? I mean, I'm feeling the need for some vigorous doing, you know?
WILLOW: It's okay. We, we just kill the beastie and then all is good. We're rolling in puppies! ... Right?
XANDER: Can we do that? Kill it?
BUFFY: (OS) We killing something? They all look up in surprise. Buffy stands there in jeans and a shirt, holding a coffee mug.
WILLOW: Buffy! You're not supposed to be up.
TARA: How, how are you feeling? Are you okay?
BUFFY: So what are we killing?
ANYA: A demon you brought back from Hell with you. (Willow gives her an angry look)
BUFFY: Oh.
WILLOW: It's not like she's making it sound. A little haunting-type stuff. Boo-scary, everything's normal.
TARA: You shouldn't worry about it.
BUFFY: Um, I remember something, last ... night, uh... She trails off, loses focus. They all stare for a moment, waiting for her to continue.
XANDER: Buff?
BUFFY: (snaps out of it) Um ... the photographs. O-of us. They changed.
TARA: How did they change?
BUFFY: They were ... dead. I-I-I mean, we were dead. Like, um ... dead bodies? But, but then they were okay. So I just, you know, figured it was me. That I was going crazy.
ANYA: Well, maybe you are. Going crazy. From Hell. Willow gives Anya another angry look.
ANYA: (fake scoff) No. You're fine.
WILLOW: You are. And Buffy, we're, we're so glad.
XANDER: Yeah. This thing, this haunting thing, we'll fix it, and then we'll still have you back, which is ... it's so important.
WILLOW: Yes.
TARA: It's wonderful. Buffy takes all this in stone-faced.
BUFFY: We should get to work.
Cut to: interior magic shop. We see Willow, Tara, Xander, and Anya sitting around the table looking at books. Willow is writing. Dawn stands behind Willow, looking over her shoulder.
DAWN: What's the list?
ANYA: Possible hitchhikers.
XANDER: Demons that might have come out of Hell at the same time Buffy did.
DAWN: (reads) "Skaggmore demons, Trellbane demons, Skitterers, Large and Small Bone-Eaters" ... If we get to pick, I say we go with the Small Bone-Eaters.
ANYA: Well, that just means they prefer to eat things with small bones, like you.
WILLOW: That's just what we have so far. Five species of demons that have been known to move transdimensionally. Two of them may be invisible in this dimension, and, uh, two others can perform spells to alter perception.
ANYA: Well, that's four. What's the other one like?
TARA: Uh, like the others, only dripping with viscous fluid.
DAWN: Eww.
XANDER: So, should we concentrate on how to kill those, or should we try to find more?
WILLOW: I'm not sure. Maybe ... maybe some of us can, uh, keep going finding more, and the others--
BUFFY: I miss Giles. We see Buffy sitting across the table from Willow.
WILLOW: Oh. He's coming back, I talked to him. I know I'm a kind of poor substitute, but until then, we'll get it done. Buffy looks around at them. They all look expectantly at her.
BUFFY: I think I should patrol. She puts her book down and stands. Willow looks hurt.
WILLOW: Well, I know we'll find something soon.
BUFFY: Yeah. Buffy heads out.
XANDER: Uh, do you want us to go with you?
ANYA: We can do that.
BUFFY: No. I-I need to go. Sorry.
DAWN: You should go. Buffy goes up the stairs and out.
DAWN: (OS) I'll be safe here with the others. Don't worry about me. Close-up on Dawn's face. Her eyes glow greyish-white. She smiles evilly. Blackout.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Act III
[SCENE_BREAK]
Open on a graveyard, night. Buffy walks slowly along, looking distracted.
Cut to the magic shop. Anya enters, carrying cups of coffee.
ANYA: I found one of those 24-hour places for coffee. Remember that bookstore? Well they became one of those books-and-coffee places, and now they're just coffee. It's like evolution, only without the getting-better part. She goes to the table where the others are still researching. Xander rubs his face, looking tired. Dawn stands a little ways back at the bookcase.
ANYA: Uh, coffee, coffee, coffee, um, hot chocolate for Dawn. (to Dawn) You're too young for coffee. Dawn turns around and we see that her eyes are still white.
DAWN: Idiot. Everyone turns to look at Dawn in surprise.
ANYA: You can have my coffee.
DAWN: (low hoarse voice) All of you did it. You stupid children. (the other all staring at her) Did you think the blood wouldn't reach you? I smell the death on you. Look at what you've done! Dawn opens her mouth and fire shoots out at the others. They all dive aside. The flames set some of the books on the table afire. Dawn collapses on the ground. Xander jumps up.
XANDER: Fire! Fire! Fire!
TARA: Dawn! Xander grabs a cushion from a chair, uses it to beat out the flames. Anya bends over Dawn.
WILLOW: Oh my god, oh my god. Willow goes to Tara and Dawn. Xander finishes putting out the fire. Willow and Tara pull Dawn to a sitting position.
WILLOW: That was it. Li-like Buffy, with fire. We see the bulge thing under the floor, moving away.
XANDER: Is she okay?
ANYA: Did I look like that? I hope I didn't look like that.
WILLOW: No, I'm sure you looked really glamorous cutting up your face. Dawn comes to.
DAWN: What ... what is it? What's happening?
WILLOW: You'll be okay.
ANYA: I bet you'll experience some dry-mouth. (they all look at her) Fire.
DAWN: Was it ... did the demon thing have me?
TARA: It's okay. It's okay.
XANDER: Yeah. It's gone.
ANYA: Yes, but where did it go? I mean, evil things have plans. They have things to do.
Cut to: interior of Spike's crypt. We're in the lower level. Spike paces back and forth restlessly. We see that there's more furniture now: a chair, a bookcase with a lamp on it, etc. Spike paces a bit, then suddenly turns around and punches the wall. He laughs a little, looks at his bloodied hand, laughs some more, a little hysterically. A noise from upstairs. Spike looks alarmed, picks up a dagger and removes it from its sheath. He goes to the ladder and climbs up.
Cut to above. Spike emerges, moves slowly and quietly into the crypt, holding the dagger by his side. We see a person standing by a table, looking at some magazines that are spread out.
SPIKE: Buffy. Buffy turns around and looks at him. Her expression is still basically blank.
SPIKE: (quietly) You should be careful. Never know what kind of villain's got a knife at your back.
BUFFY: Your hand is hurt.
SPIKE: Hmm. (nods toward her hands) Same with you.
BUFFY: (looks down at her hands) Right. Buffy just stands there. Spike looks at her, seems uncomfortable, not sure what to do. He walks over to the wall and puts the knife down.
SPIKE: Willow's getting pretty strong, isn't she? Bringing you back. It's hard to get a good night's death around here. He tries a little laugh but gets no response.
SPIKE: You can sit down. Got furniture. Buffy sits on a chair.
SPIKE: You should see the downstairs, too, it's quite posh. She looks at him, doesn't say anything. Spike walks over, sighs, sits on the edge of a table across from her. Buffy just stares at him.
SPIKE: Uh ... I do remember what I said. The promise. To protect her. (pause) If I had done that ... even if I didn't make it ... you wouldn't have had to jump. Beat. Buffy still doesn't react, just sits there looking at him.
SPIKE: But I want you to know I did save you. Not when it counted, of course, but ... after that. Every night after that. I'd see it all again ... do something different. Faster or more clever, you know? Dozens of times, lots of different ways ... (softly) Every night I save you.
Cut to: interior magic shop. Xander stands by the window, peering through the blinds. Tara comes over.
XANDER: It's getting light out. Buffy's probably on her way home from patrolling.
TARA: I like sunrise better when I'm getting up early than when I'm staying up late, you know? It's like ... I'm seeing it from the wrong side.
XANDER: (nervous) Hey, Tara, this is probably crazy ... but Spike got me to thinking. This spell we did ... it's having consequences, isn't it? I mean ... it sure seems like it. And I was just wondering ... did you know that this might happen?
TARA: No!
XANDER: Do you think ... could someone have known?
TARA: Willow is a talented witch, and she would never do anything to hurt anyone.
XANDER: I know, I know, huh? (raises his hands) Backing off quickly, hands in the air. (sighs) I just meant-
WILLOW: Thaumogenesis! Xander and Tara look over at Willow, who is at the counter, still looking through the books. We see Anya and Dawn with their heads on the table, jerking awake at Willow's shout.
ANYA: She's possessed!
WILLOW: Thaumogenesis.
DAWN: (to Anya) You're right. Xander and Tara go over to Willow.
WILLOW: I'm not possessed. I-I think I figured it out. This demon, i-it's not a demon we let out. It's, it's a demon that we made.
XANDER: We made a demon? Bad us.
WILLOW: Thaumogenesis is when doing a spell actually creates a being. In this case it was like, a, a side-effect, I guess. Like a price.
DAWN: What?
WILLOW: Think of it like, the world doesn't like you getting something for free, and we asked for this huge gift. Buffy. A-and so the world said, 'fine, but if you have that, you have to take this too.' And it made the demon.
ANYA: Well, technically, that's not a price. That's a gift with purchase.
DAWN: Um, but, if we made the demon, how come we can't see it? I mean, all we see is us. Doing stuff.
WILLOW: Well, I, I think it's out of phase with this dimension. Like, its consciousness is here, but, but its body is caught in the ether between existing and not existing.
TARA: It doesn't have a body, so it's borrowing ours. I-it borrowed Dawn and Anya...
WILLOW: Or, or it's manifesting copies of them, like, like it did when Buffy came at us...
TARA: It's using them to do stuff. To scare us, attack us.
XANDER: So we need to uncreate it, right? We need to send it the rest of the way out of our world.
WILLOW: Uh-huh. Except that ... it's linked to the spell. So, if we sent it away ... it would be like the spell doesn't exist. Like it never happened.
DAWN: Like it never brought Buffy back.
WILLOW: (softly) Yes.
DAWN: You can't do that. (stands) You can't think for a second that you're going to do that.
TARA: Dawn- Dawn walks over to Willow.
DAWN: If you think you can give her back to me and then take her away again? No. That's worse than if you'd never brought her back. You can't mess with people's lives this way!
WILLOW: Dawn, we're not going to do it that way.
DAWN: (to the others) How can you let her do this? How can you even talk about letting her go?
TARA: Honey, you're not listening. She said we will find another way.
XANDER: We will.
DAWN: Then do it! Willow has turned back to her book.
WILLOW: Wait. Wait. Dawn. Everybody hold on. (smiles)
ANYA: What? Why are you smiling? That's inappropriate.
WILLOW: Because it's temporary.
XANDER: What is?
WILLOW: The demon. I-it's gonna dissipate. The only way for it to survive on this plane is if it were to kill the subject of the original spell.
TARA: It would live if it killed Buffy?
WILLOW: That's not gonna- Xander lifts his head and we see that his eyes are white.
XANDER: Thanks for the tip. He collapses to the floor. Again we see the little bulge move across the floor toward a wall.
Cut to: interior of the Summers house, night. Buffy opens the door and comes in, puts her keys on the table, starts up the stairs. Behind her, we see a white mist. It slowly coalesces into a vaguely human shape, reaching out arms toward Buffy as it moves up the stairs after her. Blackout.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Act IV
[SCENE_BREAK]
Open on Buffy's darkened bedroom. Buffy comes in. She pauses to look at the pictures on the wall again.
DEMON: (whispery voice) You don't belong here. Buffy turns to see the demon-mist floating in. Buffy punches at it, but her fist just goes through it. It shoots out a tendril and hits her, and she flies back against some furniture. She recovers her balance, turns back around, and looks around in confusion. The mist reappears and Buffy punches at it again. The mist swirls around her and re-forms behind her. She turns and punches again. Still nothing. The demon hits her again and she stumbles out the door into the hallway, into the opposite wall. She turns and looks back at the door into her room. The mist is gone. Buffy walks cautiously back into the room.
DEMON: (O.S.) Did they tell you, you belonged here? The mist reappears in front of Buffy, puts out a hand. She tries to grab the wrist, seems to almost have it, but then her hand just goes through it.
DEMON: Did they say this was your home again? It disappears again, reappears. Buffy hits at it with no effect. It swirls around behind her while she's still looking for it in front of her.
DEMON: Were you offered pretty lies, little girl? It swirls around her and wraps around her waist. It seems to be crushing her.
DEMON: Or did they even give you a choice?
Cut to Xander's car driving down the dark street. Xander is driving, Anya in the passenger seat, and Dawn in the back seat.
DAWN: Xander! Drive faster!
XANDER: I can't!
DAWN: I could drive faster and I can't drive!
ANYA: She's right, you're like a snail. A snail who's driving a car very slowly. Come on, give it the lead foot! We've got to help Buffy with that demon you sent after her!
XANDER: I did not send the demon, I was possessed. The demon used me to eavesdrop on our conversation.
ANYA: Great, so now what? We have to talk in some sort of anti-demon secret code?
XANDER: Ood-gay idea-yay, An-yay.
DAWN: Stop talking wrong in Pig Latin and drive! Buffy's in trouble!
XANDER: It's okay, Dawnie. Willow and Tara are doing a spell.
DAWN: You sure it won't send Buffy back?
XANDER: No, of course not. It's just that she can't fight this thing if it's all ... misty, so they make it more solid, so Buffy can kick its fully embodied ass.
DAWN: You sure it'll work?
Cut to the magic shop. Willow and Tara sit on the floor facing each other, holding hands. Candles are lit around them.
WILLOW/TARA: Child of words, hear thy makers. Child of words, we entreat. With our actions did we make thee, to our voices wilt thou bend. Cut back to Buffy's room. Buffy is still struggling in the grip of the demon, squeezing her around the stomach. She curls her hands into fists and manages to break free, swings at the demon. It hits her and she falls on the bed, rolls off the side onto the floor. The demon stands still. It seems to be becoming more solid. Buffy lies on the floor, stares up at it. Cut back to the magic shop.
WILLOW/TARA: With our potions thou took motive, with our motions came to pass. We rescind no past devotions, give thee substance, give thee mass. Cut back to Buffy's room. She reaches under the bed and produces a battle-axe, starts to get up.
DEMON: You're the one who's barely here. Set on this earth like a bubble. Buffy swings the axe at the demon without any effect. And again. The face is a little clearer now. The demon stops swirling and confronts Buffy. For the first time we can actually see its mouth move when it talks.
DEMON: You won't even disturb the air when you go. Xander, Anya, and Dawn rush in, see the demon and react with fear. Buffy turns and sees them.
BUFFY: Go! Take Dawn out of here! Cut back to the magic shop. Willow has her eyes closed and her face turned upward. Tara continues chanting, not realizing that Willow has stopped.
TARA: Child of words, hear thy makers. Child of words, we en...treat... Tara trails off as she notices Willow. A haze of golden light gathers around Willow. She pulls her hands out of Tara's. Her eyes snap open. They are completely black.
WILLOW: Solid. Cut back to Buffy's room. The demon suddenly becomes fully solid. It looks like the rotting corpse of a woman, taller than Buffy. Buffy tries to hit it with the axe but the demon grabs the axe handle. They struggle over it for a moment, then the demon lets go and hits Buffy, making her drop the axe. She turns back and the demon hits her again. Buffy goes down. Xander, Dawn, and Anya are still in the doorway, watching fearfully, clutching each other. Buffy picks up the axe, jumps up from the floor, and swings. Shot of the demon's head bouncing across the floor. Xander, Dawn, and Anya all give little yelps of dismay. Dawn turns her face away, grabbing Xander's arms. Buffy looks down at the demon's body (which we don't see).
DAWN: (to Xander) That's probably the sort of thing I'm not supposed to see, right? Anya pats Dawn on the shoulder.
Cut to: overhead shot of Sunnydale, day.
Cut to: exterior shot of the Summers house. It's a bright sunny day, birds chirping, etc. Dawn comes out the front door, dressed for school. She walks down the steps, starts down the walk. Buffy opens the door.
BUFFY: Dawn! Dawn turns back.
DAWN: (alarmed) What's wrong? Buffy comes down the stairs, holding a brown paper bag.
BUFFY: Lunch.
DAWN: (smiling happily) You made me lunch? (takes the lunchbag) Wow. Thanks.
BUFFY: (solemn) You better go. You've been out since ... I got back. And you know what they say. Those of us who fail history? Doomed to repeat it in summer school. They both give small smiles. Dawn hugs Buffy.
DAWN: (whispers) Thank you. Dawn pulls out of the hug.
DAWN: Are you okay?
BUFFY: I'm going to start charging money for every person that asks me that.
DAWN: Everyone's been doing that, huh?
BUFFY: A little bit.
DAWN: It's because they care about you a lot. When you were gone ... it was bad when you were gone. But it'll be better now. Now that they can see you being happy. (pause) That's all they want. Dawn turns and walks off. Buffy watches, thoughtful.
Cut to: interior magic shop. Tara is sitting on a chair and Willow standing, both putting books on shelves. The door bell jingles. Willow turns and smiles.
WILLOW: Buffy! Hey! Buffy enters, walks in. We see Xander and Anya there as well.
XANDER: Hey, you get Dawn off to school all right? 'Cause I was thinking, if you need help picking her up, I...
BUFFY: It's okay. I got it. (nervous) Look, you guys, um, there's this thing ... so I'm just gonna say it. They all look expectantly at her.
BUFFY: You brought me back. I was in a ... I was in hell. I, um ... I can't think too much about what it was like. But it felt like the world abandoned me there. And then suddenly ... you guys did what you did.
TARA: It was Willow. She knew what to do. (Willow looks embarrassed)
BUFFY: Okay. So you did that. And the world came rushing back. Thank you. You guys gave me the world. I can't tell you what it means to me. Willow has tears in her eyes.
BUFFY: And I should have said it before.
WILLOW: (tearful) You're welcome. Willow hugs Buffy.
XANDER: Welcome home, Buffy. Xander puts his arms around the two of them. They all hug. Buffy's expression is still less than thrilled.
Cut to the back alley behind the magic shop. Buffy comes out, closes the door behind her, slowly walks a few steps, thinking.
SPIKE: Buffy. Buffy looks up, sees Spike standing in the alley.
BUFFY: (frowns) Spike, it's daylight and you're-
SPIKE: Not on fire? (looks at the sky) Sun's low enough, shady enough here. Buffy folds her arms around her middle.
SPIKE: I was gonna go inside, but I overheard you and the Super-friends exchanging a special moment and I came over a bit queasy. Buffy wipes hair out of her face, doesn't seem to be listening.
SPIKE: Say, aren't you leaving a hole in the middle of some soggy group hug?
BUFFY: Just wanted a little time alone. She walks over, sits on a packing crate a few feet away from Spike.
SPIKE: Oh, uh, right then. He gets up, starts to walk away, reaches the line of shadow, realizes he can't leave the alley without going into the sunlight. He stops, squints at the sky.
BUFFY: That's okay. I can be alone with you here.
SPIKE: Thanks ever so. He gives a rueful smile, looks back at her.
BUFFY: Right. Beat.
SPIKE: Buff? ... Slayer? Are you okay? She isn't, but she composes herself and nods at him.
BUFFY: I'm here. I'm good.
SPIKE: (walks back to her) Buffy, if you're in ... if you're in pain ... or if you need anything... or if I can do anything for you...
BUFFY: (looks down at her lap) You can't.
SPIKE: Well, I haven't been to a hell dimension just of late, but I do know a thing or two about torment. He sits beside her.
BUFFY: (still looking down) I was happy. Spike looks at her in confusion.
BUFFY: Wherever I ... was ... I was happy. At peace. Spike stares, shocked.
BUFFY: I knew that everyone I cared about was all right. I knew it. Time ... didn't mean anything ... nothing had form ... but I was still me, you know? (glances at him, then away) And I was warm ... and I was loved ... and I was finished. Complete. I don't understand about theology or dimensions, or ... any of it, really ... but I think I was in heaven. Spike continues to stare at her in dismay.
BUFFY: And now I'm not. (almost tearful) I was torn out of there. Pulled out ... by my friends. (Spike continues staring, listening) Everything here is ... hard, and bright, and violent. Everything I feel, everything I touch ... this is Hell. Just getting through the next moment, and the one after that ... (softly) knowing what I've lost... She looks up, realizes Spike is still there. She looks uncomfortable, gets up. She walks just to the line where the shadows become sunlight, and pauses, but doesn't turn back to face Spike.
BUFFY: They can never know. Never. She still doesn't look back at him, just continues walking into the sunlight. Blackout.
Executive Producers: Joss Whedon and Marti Noxon. THE END | Plan: A: Spike; Q: Who warns that the resurrection spell could have serious consequences? A: his assessment; Q: What proves to be correct? A: an unseen force; Q: What possessed the members of the gang? Summary: Spike warns that the resurrection spell could have serious consequences, and his assessment proves to be correct as members of the gang are possessed by an unseen force. |
EXT. SPACE
A spaceship that looks like a city flies through the stars, a Union Flag painted on its side. Some of the buildings have lit letters on them designating counties.
INT. SCHOOLROOM
Young boys and girls are in line while one young boy remains at his desk. They are being praised by their as yet unseen teacher.
COMPUTERISED MALE VOICE: Well done, Mabel. Well done, Alfie. Good girl, Tabitha. (one of the girls faces the boy and jerks her head) Very well done, Ranjit. Good girl, Chloe. (the boy picks up his book and gets in line) Well done, Ben. Well done, Mandy. (We see the 'teacher' is actually a figure inside a booth. MANDY hurries off) 'Bad boy, Timmy. (the head spins to reveal a frowning face) Zero.
INT. CORRIDOR
MANDY is waiting outside.
MANDY: You got a zero, didn't you?
TIMMY: Yeah. So?
MANDY: You'll have to walk home, then.
TIMMY: Walk to London? That's 20 decks!
MANDY: You can't ride a Vator with a zero. You know what happens. You'll get sent below. (steps into lift)
TIMMY tries to get on the lift but the operator, a hooded man wearing an old-fashioned clock key on a chain, glares down at him and he backs away.
MANDY: I'll wait for you.
The lift doors close. There is another book in the hall and its head swivels to show a frown as well. The second lift opens and TIMMY steps inside. There is a smaller version of the booth set into the wall of the lift.
XOMPUTERISED MALE VOICE Welcome to Vator Verse, sponsored by McLintock's Candy Burgers.
TIMMY: L-London, please.
There is a small computer screen on the wall behind TIMMY. On it, a young girl recites a verse.
GIRL: A horse and a man, above, below One has a plan, but both must go. Mile after mile, above, beneath One has a smile, and one has teeth. (the figure swivels to TIMMY, showing its frown) Though the man above might say hello Expect no love from the beast below.
The lift begins to plummet
TIMMY: (pounds on microphone screen) Help! Help me!
The lift stops at 000 and the floor slides open to reveal a bright red light. TIMMY screams. The figure's head swivels again to reveal a third face, grimacing in anger.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Matt Smith Karen Gillan
"The Beast Below" by Steven Moffatt
Producer Peter Bennett
Director Andrew Gunn
[SCENE_BREAK]
EXT. SPACE
AMY, still in her nightgown and robe, is floating outside the open door of the TARDIS as the DOCTOR holds her ankle.
AMY: (V.O.) My name is Amy Pond. When I was seven, I had an imaginary friend. Last night was the night before my wedding...
DOCTOR: Come on, Pond. (pulls her back inside)
AMY: (V.O.) ..and my imaginary friend came back.
DOCTOR: NOW do you believe me?
AMY: OK, your box is a spaceship. It's really, really a spaceship. We are in space! Whoo! What are we breathing?
DOCTOR: I've extended the air shell - we're fine. (sees something below them and squats) Now, that's interesting. (they are flying over the spaceship) 29th Century. Solar flares roast the earth, (walks to console)
INT TARDIS
DOCTOR: and the entire human race packs its bags (works controls) and moves out till the weather improves. Whole nations...
AMY: Doctor?
DOCTOR: ..migrating to the stars.
AMY: Doctor?
DOCTOR: Isn't that amazing?
AMY: Doctor!
The DOCTOR looks up from the console to see AMY isn't there.
EXT. SPACE
AMY is outside clinging to the roof of the TARDIS.
DOCTOR: (in doorway) Well, come on. I've found us a spaceship.
INT TARDIS
The DOCTOR has pulled up the spaceship on the TARDIS monitor.
DOCTOR: This is the United Kingdom of Britain and Northern Ireland - all of it, bolted together and floating in the sky. Starship UK. It's Britain, but metal. That's not just a ship - that's an idea. That's a whole country, living and laughing and...shopping. (AMY chuckles) Searching the stars for a new home.
AMY: Can we go out and see?
DOCTOR: Course we can but first, there's a thing.
AMY: A thing?
DOCTOR: An important thing. In fact, thing one - (looks through magnifying glass) we are observers only. That's the one rule I've always stuck to in my travels. I never get involved in the affairs of other peoples or planets. Ooh! That's interesting.
The screen now shows MANDY sitting alone, crying.
AMY: So we're like a wildlife documentary, yeah? Cos if they see a wounded little cub or something, they can't just save it - they've got to keep filming and let it die. (watches MANDY) That's got to be hard. I don't think I could do that. Don't you find that hard - being all, like, detached and cold? (The DOCTOR appears on screen with MANDY. She runs away) Doctor?
The DOCTOR looks into the camera and waves for AMY to join him. With a smile, she runs out of the TARDIS.
INT. LONDON MARKET
TANNOY: Welcome to London Market. You are being monitored.
AMY looks about and sees an arched glass ceiling through which she can see the stars. The market is a series of stalls and booths very similar to a contemporary marketplace.
AMY: (looks around in wonder) I'm in the future. Like hundreds...of years in the future. I've been dead for centuries.
DOCTOR: Oh, lovely. You're a cheery one. (takes her by the arm and walk) Never mind dead, look at this place. Isn't it wrong?
AMY: What's wrong?
DOCTOR: Use your eyes, notice everything. What's wrong with this picture?
AMY: Is it...the bicycles? (points to rickshaw) Bit unusual on a spaceship, bicycles.
DOCTOR: Says the girl in the nightie.
AMY: Oh, my God! I'm in my nightie.
DOCTOR: Now, come on, look around you. Actually look.
TANNOY: London Market is a crime-free zone.
DOCTOR: Life on a giant starship, back to basics. Bicycles, washing lines, wind-up street lamps. But look closer. Secrets and shadows, lives led in fear. Society bent out of shape, on the brink of collapse. A police state. Excuse me.
The DOCTOR runs over to a table and takes a glass of water from one of the people sitting there. He sets it gently on the floor and looks at it intently. He sets it back on the table.
DOCTOR: Sorry. Checking all the water in this area. There's an escaped fish. (taps the side of his nose and rejoins AMY) Where was I?
AMY: Why did you just do that with the water?
DOCTOR: Don't know. I think a lot. It's hard to keep track. Now, police state - do you see it yet?
AMY: Where?
DOCTOR: (snaps and points) There.
MANDY is sitting alone on a bench crying. Everyone walks past, ignoring her. The Doctor and AMY head towards her. A man in a hood and amulet watches.
INT. OFFICE
A phone rings and is answered by a person watching the DOCTOR and AMY on a monitor. It is a grey-haired man with wire-rimmed glasses.
GREY-HAIRED MAN: Are you sure?
INT. LONDON MARKET
HOODED MAN: (in red phone booth) Saw it myself.
INT. OFFICE
HOODED MAN: (V.O.) Are you going to tell her?
GREY-HAIRED MAN: We're under orders to tell her.
INT. LONDON MARKET
GREY-HAIRED MAN: (V.O.) Well done. Keep tabs on him.
The HOODED MAN hangs up the phone.
INT. OFFICE
The GREY-HAIRED MAN dials the phone.
INT. OPULENT ROOM
In a palatial room, a woman sits alone, a red cloak laid out around her. A simple white mask is on the floor at her side. She answers the phone.
GREY-HAIRED MAN: (V.O.) Sorry to interrupt. There's been a sighting. London block, Oxford Street. A man.
WOMAN: Did he do the thing?
GREY-HAIRED MAN: (V.O.) Apparently.
WOMAN: I'll have a look on the monitors.
The WOMAN picks ups the mask, stands, and walks past a number of water glasses as well as a crystal chandelier.
INT. LONDON MARKET
The DOCTOR and AMY are sitting on a bench facing MANDY.
AMY: One little girl crying. So?
DOCTOR: Crying silently. I mean, children cry cos they want attention, cos they're hurt or afraid. When they cry silently, it's cos they just can't stop. Any parent knows that.
AMY: Are you a parent?
DOCTOR: (is startled at the question but doesn't answer) Hundreds of parents walking past this spot and not one of them's asking her what's wrong, which means...they already know, and it's something they don't talk about. Secrets. They're not helping her, so it's something they're afraid of. Shadows - whatever they're afraid of - it's nowhere to be seen, which means it's everywhere. Police state.
MANDY gets up as the lift bell rings and the figure in the nearby booth turns to watch her.
AMY: Where'd she go?
DOCTOR: Deck 207, Apple Sesame block, Dwelling 54A. You're looking for Mandy Tanner. Oh, (reaches into pocket) this fell out of her pocket when I accidentally bumped into her. (hands AMY the ID wallet) Took me four goes. Ask her about those things - the smiling fellows in the booths. They're everywhere.
AMY: But they're just things.
DOCTOR: They're clean. Everything else here is battered and filthy - look at this place. But no-one's laid a finger on those booths. Not a footprint within two feet of them. Ask Mandy, "Why are people scared of the things in the booths?"
AMY: No. Hang on - what do I do? (whispers) I don't know what I'm doing here and I'm not even dressed!
DOCTOR: It's this or Leadworth. What do you think? Let's see. What will Amy Pond choose? Ha-ha, gotcha! (checks watch) Meet me back here in half an hour.
AMY: What are you going to do?
DOCTOR: What I always do. Stay out of trouble. (stands) Badly. (leaps over bench and walks away)
AMY: (gets up and faces him) So is this how it works, Doctor? You never interfere in the affairs of other peoples or planets, unless there's children crying?
DOCTOR: Yes.
Resigned to her task, AMY turns back and tried to figure out which way to go.
DEAN STREET
AMY stops to get her bearings near another booth. She finds the way she wants to go and heads down the street.
MANDY: You're following me. Saw you watching me at the marketplace.
AMY: You dropped this.
MANDY: Yeah, when your friend kept bumping into me.
There's an area of the street surrounded by barriers.
AMY: What's that?
MANDY: There's a hole. We have to go back.
AMY: A what? A hole?
We see the hole is right in front of a shop called "Magpie Electricals"
MANDY: Are you stupid? There's a hole in the road. We can't go that way. (AMY heads for the gate) There's a travel pipe down by the airlocks, if you've got stamps. What are you doing?
AMY: Oh, don't mind me. Never could resist a "keep out" sign. What's through there? What's so scary about a hole? Something under the road? (sits on the ground and examines the lock)
MANDY: (looks to the booth) Nobody knows. We're not supposed to talk about it.
AMY: (turns around) About what?
MANDY: Below.
AMY: And because you're not supposed to, you don't? Watch and learn. (uses hairpin to pick the lock)
MANDY: You sound Scottish.
AMY: I am Scottish. What's wrong with that? Scotland's got to be here somewhere.
MANDY: No. They wanted their own ship.
AMY: Hmm. Good for them. Nothing changes.
MANDY: So...how did you get here?
The figure in the booth spins to show its angry face.
AMY: Oh, just passing through, you know, with a guy.
MANDY: Your boyfriend?
AMY: (in realization) Oh.
MANDY: What?
AMY: Nothing. It's just...I'm getting married. Funny how things slip your mind.
MANDY: Married?
AMY: Yeah, shut up, married. Really, actually married. Almost definitely.
MANDY: When?
AMY: Well, it's kind of weird. A long time ago, tomorrow morning. I wonder what I did. (the lock opens) Hey, hey, result! Coming?
MANDY: No!
AMY: Suit yourself.
As AMY prepares to go inside the tent covering the hole, MANDY sees the figure in the booth spins to show its third face.
MANDY: Stop! You mustn't do that!
INT. TENT
The inside is dark but for red emergency lights flashing. AMY finds a torch and turns it on. In the beam she sees a creature-or part of a creature-reaching out through the hole. It sways slowly.
AMY: Oh, my God. That's weird. That's...
The creature strikes with what seems to be either a beak or a stinger. AMY shouts and scoots out of the tent backwards.
DEAN STREET
AMY stops to see she is surrounded by more hooded men. One sprays gas from his ring and she falls unconscious.
MAINTENANCE CORRIDOR
The DOCTOR climbs down a ladder and places his hands on the wall before leaning in to listen.
DOCTOR: Can't be.
The DOCTOR uses the sonic screwdriver to get a reading. He then sees a glass of water on the floor. He lies down and stares at it.
WOMAN: (whispers) The impossible truth in a glass of water. (It is the WOMAN from earlier, wearing her mask) Not many people see it. (he stands) But you do, don't you, Doctor?
DOCTOR: You know me?
WOMAN: (whispers) Keep your voice down. They're everywhere. Tell me what you see in the glass.
DOCTOR: Who says I see anything?
WOMAN: (whispers) Don't waste time. At the marketplace, you placed a glass of water on the floor, looked at it, then came straight here to the engine room. Why?
DOCTOR: No engine vibration on deck. Ship this size, engine this big, you'd feel it. The water would move. So...I thought I'd take a look. (opens power box on the wall) It doesn't make sense. These power couplings, they're not connected. Look. Look - they're dummies, see? (crosses hall and taps the wall) And behind this wall, nothing. It's hollow. If I didn't know better, I'd say there was...
WOMAN: (whispers) No engine at all.
DOCTOR: But it's working. This ship is travelling though space. I saw it.
WOMAN: (whispers) The impossible truth, Doctor. We're travelling among the stars in a spaceship that could never fly.
DOCTOR: How?
WOMAN: (whispers) I don't know. There's a darkness at the heart of this nation. It threatens every one of us. Help us, Doctor. You're our only hope. Your friend is safe. (hands him a device) This will take you to her. Now go, quickly! (begins to walk away)
DOCTOR: Who are you? How do I find you again?
WOMAN: (turns to face him and whispers) I am Liz 10. And I will find you.
There is a crashing sound and the DOCTOR looks around. When he turns back, she is gone.
VOTING CUBICLE
AMY wakes up in a chair and the first thing she sees is the Smiler in the booth. There are four monitors in front of her in the style or retro televisions.
COMPUERIZED VOICE: 'Welcome to voting cubicle 330C. Please leave this installation as you would wish to find it. (she stands and looks around) The United Kingdom recognises the right to know of all its citizens. (there are 3 large buttons in front of her: "Protest", "Record" and "Forget") A presentation concerning the history of Starship UK will begin shortly. Your identity is being verified on our electoral roll. (sits down) 'Name - Amelia Jessica Pond. 'Age - 1,306.'
AMY: (Gasps) Shut up! (giggles)
COMPUERIZED VOICE: Marital status... (AMY straightens, serious) Unknown.
AMY flops back into the chair. On the four screens, a video starts, showing an older man as a presenter.
PRESENTER: You are here because you want to know the truth about this starship, and I am talking to you because you're entitled to know. When this presentation has finished, you will have a choice. You may either protest...or forget. If you choose to protest, understand this. If just 1% of the population of this ship do likewise, the programme will be discontinued, with consequences for you all. If you choose to accept the situation - and we hope that you will - then press the "forget" button. All the information I am about to give you will be erased from your memory. You will continue to enjoy the safety and amenities of Starship UK, unburdened by the knowledge of what has been done to save you. Here, then, is the truth about Starship UK, and the price that has been paid for the safety of the British people. May God have mercy on our souls.
Images flash across the screens, reflected in AMY'S eyes. She reacts and hits "Forget". As she wipes her tears, a video message starts on the screen. It is from herself.
TV AMY: This isn't a trick. You've got to find the Doctor and get him back to the TARDIS. Don't let him investigate. Stop him. Do whatever you have to. Just please, please get the Doctor off this ship!
The door to the room opens and we see MANDY waiting for her. As the message replays, the DOCTOR hops into the doorway.
DOCTOR: Amy? (AMY turns message off) What have you done?
Moments later, he's on the chair using the sonic screwdriver on the lamp above.
DOCTOR: Yeah, your basic memory wipe job. Must have erased about 20 minutes. (jumps to the floor)
AMY: But why would I choose to forget?
MANDY: Cos everyone does. Everyone chooses the "forget" button.
DOCTOR: Did you?
MANDY: I'm not eligible to vote yet. I'm 12. Any time after you're 16, you're allowed to the see the film and make your choice. And then, once every five years...
DOCTOR: And once every five years, everyone chooses to forget what they've learned. Democracy in action. (heads back to the monitors)
MANDY: How do you not know about this? Are you Scottish too?
DOCTOR: Oh, I'm way worse than Scottish. I can't even see the movie. Won't play for me.
AMY: It played for me.
DOCTOR: The difference being the computer doesn't accept me as human.
AMY: Why not? (the DOCTOR looks at her) You look human. (she joins him)
DOCTOR: No, you look Time Lord. We came first.
AMY: So there are other Time Lords, yeah?
DOCTOR: No. There were, but there aren't... Just me now. Long story. There was a bad day. Bad stuff happened, and you know what? I'd love to forget it all, every last bit of it, but I don't. Not ever. Cos this is what I do - every time, every day, every second. This. Hold tight. We're bringing down the government.
The DOCTOR pounds the "Protest" button. The door slams shut, leaving MANDY outside. The Smiler in the booth turns to show his very angry face. The DOCTOR pulls AMY into the corner of the room as the floor slides open
DOCTOR: Say, "Wheee!"
AMY: Aaargh!
They fall down the chute.
[SCENE_BREAK]
HALLWAY OUTSIDE VOTING CUBICLE
The lit sign outside switches from "Occupied" to "Empy". A figure comes up behind MANDY, startling her.
WOMAN: (chuckles) It's all right, love. (removes mask) It's only me.
REFUSE PILE
The DOCTOR and AMY fall out of the chute with a scream. The DOCTOR stands and uses the sonic screwdriver.
DOCTOR: High-speed air cannon. Lousy way to travel.
AMY: Where are we?
DOCTOR: 600 feet down, 20 miles laterally - puts us at the heart of the ship. I'd say... Lancashire. What's this, then - a cave? Can't be a cave. Looks like a cave.
AMY: (stands) It's a rubbish dump, and it's minging! (throws a piece of rubbish)
DOCTOR: Yes, but only food refuse. (sniffs) Organic, coming through feeder tubes from all over the ship.
AMY: (gets down on hands and knees) The floor's all squidgy, like a water bed.
DOCTOR: But feeding what, though?
AMY: It's sort of rubbery, feel it. Wet and slimy.
The DOCTOR hears a distant moaning and stands. He realizes where they are.
DOCTOR: Er... It's not a floor, it's a... (puts screwdriver away) So...
AMY: (stands) It's a what?
DOCTOR: The next word is kind of the scary word. Take a moment. Get yourself in a calm place. (takes her hands) Go "omm".
AMY: Omm.
DOCTOR: It's a tongue.
AMY: A tongue?
DOCTOR: (excited) A tongue. A great big tongue.
AMY: (stunned) This is a mouth? This whole place is a mouth? We're in a mouth?!
DOCTOR: Yes, yes, yes, but on the plus side, roomy.
AMY: How do we get out?
DOCTOR: (takes out screwdriver) How big is this beastie? It's gorgeous! Blimey! if this is just the mouth, I'd love to see the stomach. (hears grunting) Though not right now.
AMY: Doctor, how do we get out?
DOCTOR: OK, it's being fed through surgically implanted feeder tubes, so the normal entrance is... (sees the sharp teeth of a closed mouth) closed for business.
AMY: We can try, though. (heads forward)
DOCTOR: No! Stop, don't move! (mouth heaves in agitation) Too late. It's started.
AMY: What has?
DOCTOR: Swallow reflex.
They slip and fall back into the refuse. The DOCTOR uses the screwdriver on the mouth walls.
AMY: What are you doing?
DOCTOR: I'm vibrating the chemo-receptors.
AMY: Chemo-what?
DOCTOR: The eject button.
AMY: How does a mouth have an eject button?
DOCTOR: Think about it!
They hear the creature growl, and, on their knees, look to see a wave of bile coming towards them.
DOCTOR: Right, then. (straightens tie) This isn't going to be big on dignity. Geronimo!
AMY yells and there is a great grunting and splashing.
OVERSPILL PIPE
They find themselves out of the mouth and back in the ship.
DOCTOR: (examines the door) There's nothing broken, there's no sign of concussion and yes, you are covered in sick.
AMY: Where are we?
DOCTOR: Overspill pipe, at a guess.
AMY: (stands) Oh, God, it stinks.
DOCTOR: That's not the pipe.
AMY: Oh. (smells herself) Whoo! Can we get out?
DOCTOR: One door, one door switch, one condition. (moves to show the button on the door) We forget everything we saw. Look familiar? That's the carrot. (the lights come on to reveal two Smilers) Ooh, here's the stick. There's a creature living in the heart of this ship. What's it doing there? (the faces spin to show mad) No, that's not going to work on me, so come on. Big old beast below decks, and everyone who protests gets shoved down its throat. That how it works? (the faces spin again to show anger) Oh, stop it. I'm not leaving and I'm not forgetting and what are you fellows going to do about it? Stick out your tongues?
The booths open and the two Smilers stand and walk towards AMY and the DOCTOR who back away.
AMY: Doctor?
The WOMAN appears behind them and shoots the Smilers. She twirls her pistol before placing it back in its holster.
DOCTOR: Look who it is. You look a lot better without your mask.
LIZ 10: You must be Amy. Liz. Liz 10.
AMY: Hi.
LIZ 10: (shakes hand) Eurgh! (wipes hand on cloak) Lovely hair, Amy. Shame about the sick. (heads for door) You know Mandy, yeah? (puts her arm around MANDY'S shoulder) She's very brave.
DOCTOR: How did you find us?
LIZ 10: Stuck my gizmo on you. (throws device at him) Been listening in. Nice moves on the hurl escape. So, what's the big fella doing here?
DOCTOR: You're over 16, you've voted. Whatever this is, you've chosen to forget about it.
LIZ 10: No. Never forgot, never voted. Not technically a British subject.
DOCTOR: Then who and what are you, and how do you know me?
LIZ 10: You're a bit hard to miss, love. Mysterious stranger, MO consistent with higher alien intelligence, hair of an idiot... (the DOCTOR points like he's about the argue then runs his hand through his soaked hair instead) I've been brought up on the stories. My whole family was.
DOCTOR: Your family?
One of the Smilers begins to move.
LIZ 10: They're repairing. Doesn't take them long. Let's move. (they leave the overspill)
LOWER CORRIDORS
LIZ 10 explains as they walk.
LIZ 10: The Doctor. Old drinking buddy of Henry XII. Tea and scones with Liz II. Vicky was a bit on the fence about you, weren't she? Knighted and exiled you on the same day. And so much for the Virgin Queen, you bad, bad boy!
DOCTOR: Liz 10?
A Smiler rises from a booth in the corridor.
LIZ 10: Liz 10, yeah. Elizabeth X. And down! (turns and fires both pistols at the Smilers. Both fall) I'm the bloody Queen, mate. Basically, I rule.
LIZ 10 takes them to another corridor. It is the base of a vator shaft.
LIZ 10: There's a high-speed Vator through there. (The DOCTOR looks into a caged area where there are two of the things AMY saw earlier.) Oh, yeah. There's these things. Any ideas?
AMY: Doctor, I saw one of these up top. There was a hole in the road, like it had burst through, like a root.
DOCTOR: Exactly like a root. It's all one creature - the same one we were inside - reaching out. It must be growing through the mechanisms of the entire ship.
LIZ 10: What? Like an infestation?
DOCTOR: Someone's helping it. Feeding it.
LIZ 10: Feeding my subjects to it. Come on. We've got to keep moving. (storms off in anger and MANDY follows)
AMY: Doctor?
DOCTOR: Oh, Amy. (looks sympathetically at creatures as they bang against the bars) We should never have come here.
AMY remembers her video message.
INT. OFFICE
The GREY-HAIRED MAN is watching the DOCTOR, LIZ 10, AMY and MANDY on his monitor. He speaks into a microphone.
GREY-HAIRED MAN: Winder division one. Ten has penetrated to the lower levels. Initiate the protocol.
INT. OPULENT ROOM (LIZ 10'S BEDROOM)
The DOCTOR walks carefully through the maze of glasses on the floor of LIZ 10'S room.
GREY-HAIRED MAN: (V.O.) God save the Queen
DOCTOR: Why all the glasses?
LIZ 10: (on her bed) To remind me every single day that my government is up to something, and it's my duty to find out what.
DOCTOR: (picks up mask) A queen going undercover to investigate her own kingdom?
LIZ 10: Secrets are being kept from me. I don't have a choice. Ten years I've been at this - my entire reign - and you've achieved more in one afternoon.
DOCTOR: (paces) How old were you when you came to the throne?
LIZ 10: 40. Why?
AMY: (putting her hair up) What, you're 50 now? No way!
AMY and MANDY sit on the chaise at the foot of the bed.
LIZ 10: Yeah, they slowed my body clock. Keeps me looking like the stamps.
DOCTOR: (sits on the bed, still holding the mask) And you always wear this in public?
LIZ 10: Undercover's not easy when you're me. The autographs, the bunting.
DOCTOR: Air-balanced porcelain. Stays on by itself, cos it's perfectly sculpted to your face.
LIZ 10: Yeah. So what?
DOCTOR: Oh, Liz. So everything.
The door opens and four hooded men enter. One is the same from the marketplace.
LIZ 10: (outraged) What are you doing? How dare you come in here?
HOODED MAN: Ma'am, you have expressed interest in the interior workings of Starship UK. You will come with us now.
LIZ 10: Why would I do that?
The HOODED MAN'S head spins to show the face of an angry Smiler.
LIZ 10: How can they be Smilers?
DOCTOR: Half Smiler, half human.
LIZ 10: (to its face) Whatever you creatures are, I am still your queen. On whose authority is this done?
SMILER: The highest authority, Ma'am.
LIZ 10: I AM the highest authority.
SMILER: Yes, ma'am. You must go now, Ma'am.
LIZ 10: Where?
SMILER: The Tower, Ma'am.
INT. MEDIVAL ROOM: The group is escorted to a large stone room containing high-tech machines. There is a grating through which AMY can see more of the creatures.
AMY: Doctor, where are we?
DOCTOR: The lowest point of Starship UK. (spins, arms out) The dungeon.
GREY-HAIRED MAN: Ma'am.
LIZ 10: Hawthorne! So this is where you hid yourself away. I think you've got some explaining to do.
DOCTOR: (to HAWTHORNE) There's children down here. What's all that about?
HAWTHORNE: Protesters and citizens of limited value are fed to the beast. For some reason, it won't eat the children. You're the first adults it's spared. You're very lucky.
DOCTOR: Yeah, look at us. Torture chamber of the Tower of London. Lucky, lucky, lucky. Except it's not a torture chamber, is it? (examines equipment) Well, except it is. Except it isn't. Depends on your angle.
The DOCTOR joins LIZ 10 by an open "well" with a railing around it. Inside seems to be something alive.
LIZ 10: What's that?
DOCTOR: Well, like I say, depends on the angle. It's either the exposed pain centre of big fella's brain, being tortured relentlessly...
LIZ 10: Or?
DOCTOR: Or it's the gas pedal, the accelerator - Starship UK's go-faster button.
LIZ 10: I don't understand.
DOCTOR: Don't you? Try, go on. The spaceship that could never fly, no vibration on deck. This creature - this poor, trapped, terrified creature. It's not infesting you, it's not invading - it's what you have instead of an engine. And this place down here is where you hurt it, where you torture it, day after day, just to keep it moving. (An intermittent electrical beam shoots down into the creature's exposed brain.) Tell you what. (moves to another well and lifts the grate) Normally, it's above the range of human hearing. (one of the extensions of the creature breaks free) This is the sound none of you wanted to hear. (uses the screwdriver and the others hear the creature's call)
LIZ 10: Stop it. (to HAWTHORNE) Who did this?
HAWTHORNE: We act on instructions from the highest authority.
LIZ 10: I am the highest authority. The creature will be released, now. I said now! (no one moves) Is anyone listening to me?
DOCTOR: (still holding LIZ 10's mask) Liz. Your mask.
LIZ 10: What about my mask?
DOCTOR: (tosses mask to LIZ 10) Look at it. It's old. At least 200 years old, I'd say.
LIZ 10: Yeah, it's an antique, so?
DOCTOR: Yeah, an antique made by craftsmen over 200 years ago and perfectly sculpted to your face. They slowed your body clock, all right, but you're not 50. Nearer 300. And it's been a long old reign.
LIZ 10: Nah, it's ten years. I've been on this throne ten years.
DOCTOR: Ten years. And the same ten years over and over again, (takes her by the hand) always leading you... (shows her the voting area) here. (the buttons read "forget" and "abdicate")
LIZ 10: (turns to Hawthorne) What have you done?
HAWTHORNE: Only what you have ordered. We work for you, Ma'am. The Winders, the Smilers, all of us. (turns on the screen)
LIZ 10: (recording) If you are watching this...If I am watching this, then I have found my way to the Tower Of London. (the real LIZ 10 sits) The creature you are looking at is called a Star Whale. Once, there were millions of them. They lived in the depths of space and, according to legend, guided the early space travelers through the asteroid belts. This one, as far as we are aware, is the last of its kind. 'And what we have done to it 'breaks my heart. (The DOCTOR, HAWTHORNE, AMY and MANDY watch in silence) The Earth was burning. Our sun had turned on us, and every other nation had fled to the skies. Our children screamed as the skies grew hotter. And then it came, like a miracle. The last of the star whales. We trapped it, we built our ship around it, and we rode on its back to safety. If you wish our voyage to continue, then you must press the "forget" button. (LIZ 10 looks at the button) Be again the heart of this nation, untainted. If not, press the other button. (looks at "abdicate") Your reign will end, the Star Whale will be released, and our ship will disintegrate. I hope I keep the strength to make the right decision.
AMY: I voted for this? (to DOCTOR) Why would I do that?
DOCTOR: Because you knew if we stayed here, I'd be faced with an impossible choice. Humanity or the alien. You took it upon yourself to save me from that. And that was wrong. You don't ever decide what I need to know.
AMY: I don't even remember doing it.
DOCTOR: You did it. That's what counts.
AMY: I'm... I'm sorry.
DOCTOR: Oh, I don't care. When I'm done here, you're going home. (walks away)
AMY: Why? Because I made a mistake? One mistake? I don't even remember doing it. Doctor!
DOCTOR: (examining instrument panels) Yeah. I know. You're only human.
LIZ 10: What are you doing?
DOCTOR: The worst thing I'll ever do. I'm going to pass a massive electrical charge through the Star Whale's brain. Should knock out all its higher functions, leave it a vegetable. The ship will still fly, but the whale won't feel it.
AMY: That'll be like killing it.
DOCTOR: Look, three options. One: I let the Star Whale continue in unendurable agony for hundreds more years. Two: I kill everyone on this ship. Three: I murder a beautiful, innocent creature as painlessly as I can. And then I find a new name, cos I won't be the Doctor any more.
LIZ 10: There must be something we can do, some other way.
DOCTOR: Nobody talk to me. Nobody human has anything to say to me today!
AMY and MANDY sit against the wall and watch helplessly as the DOCTOR works. Three children enter the room. One is TIMMY.
MANDY: Timmy! (goes to him) You made it, you're OK! (TIMMY says nothing) It's me - Mandy.
They've stopped in front of one of the "feelers" and MANDY has her back to it. The feeler reaches towards MANDY and AMY starts to move forward. Instead of hurting her, it gently taps MANDY on the back and lets her pet it. In a montage, AMY begins to understand
[SCENE_BREAK]
DOCTOR: C'mon, use your eyes. Notice everything. Notice everything.
She remembers seeing MANDY crying as she hears parts of LIZ 10's explanation.
LIZ 10: Our children screamed. It came, like a miracle.
HAWTHORNE: It won't eat the children.
LIZ 10: Children screamed. Then it came. It's the last of its kind.
She remembers the DOCTOR with MANDY, the feelers in the vator shaft, the glasses of water.
DOCTOR: Just me now.
LIZ 10: The last of its kind.
AMY: Is this how it works, Doctor? Never interfere with other peoples or planets...
LIZ 10: Children screamed.
She remembers meeting the DOCTOR as a child.
AMY: ...unless it's children crying.
LIZ 10: The last of its kind.
DOCTOR: Just me now.
AMY: Unless there's children crying.
DOCTOR: Yes.
HAWTHORNE: It won't eat the children.
She remembers the children playing when they arrived.
LIZ 10: Then it came. Like a miracle. The last of the Star Whales.
[SCENE_BREAK]
AMY sees both MANDY and TIMMY petting the feeler.
AMY: Doctor, stop. (goes to the DOCTOR) Whatever you're doing, stop it now! (goes to LIZ 10) Sorry, Your Majesty, going to need a hand. (leads her to the buttons)
DOCTOR: Amy, no! No! (rushes over)
AMY forces LIZ 10's hand down on the "abdicate" button. The whale bellows and the whole ship shakes, causing havoc on every level.
DOCTOR: Amy, what have you done?
AMY: Nothing at all. Am I right?
HAWTHORNE: We've INCREASED speed.
AMY: Yeah, well, you've stopped torturing the pilot. Gotta help. (smiles)
LIZ 10: It's still here? I don't understand.
AMY: The Star Whale didn't come like a miracle all those years ago. It volunteered. You didn't have to trap it or torture it - that was all just you. It came because it couldn't stand to watch your children cry. What if you were really old, and really kind and alone? Your whole race dead, no future. What couldn't you do then? If you were that old, and that kind, and the very last of your kind... (turns to look at the DOCTOR) you couldn't just stand there and watch children cry.
OBSERVATION DECK
The DOCTOR is standing alone looking out onto the starship. AMY joins him
AMY: From Her Majesty. (holds out the mask) She says there will be no more secrets on Starship UK.
DOCTOR: Amy, you could have killed everyone on this ship.
AMY: You could have killed a Star Whale.
DOCTOR: (faces her) And you saved it. I know, I know.
AMY: Amazing, though, don't you think? The Star Whale. All that pain and misery... and loneliness. (looks sideways at the DOCTOR) And it just made it kind.
DOCTOR: But you couldn't have known how it would react.
AMY: YOU couldn't. But I've seen it before. Very old and very kind, and the very, very last. Sound a bit familiar? (they hug) Hey.
DOCTOR: What?
AMY: Gotcha.
DOCTOR: Ha! Gotcha.
INT. LONDON MARKET
The DOCTOR and AMY head back to the TARDIS
AMY: Shouldn't we say goodbye? Won't they wonder where we went?
DOCTOR: For the rest of their lives. Oh, the songs they'll write! Never mind them. Big day tomorrow.
AMY: Sorry, what?
DOCTOR: It's always a big day tomorrow. We've got a time machine. I skip the little ones. (unlocks the TARDIS)
AMY: You know what I said about getting back for tomorrow morning... Have you ever run away from something because you were scared, or not ready, or just... Just because you could?
DOCTOR: Once...a long time ago.
AMY: What happened?
DOCTOR: Hello!
A phone begins to ring.
AMY: Right. Doctor, there's something I haven't told you. No. Hang on, is that a phone ringing?
They enter the TARDIS.
INT TARDIS
AMY: People phone you?
DOCTOR: Well, it's a phone box. Would you mind? (prepares to dematerialize)
AMY: (answers phone on the console) Hello? Sorry, who? No, seriously. Who? (muffles the phone against her shoulder) Says he's Prime Minister. First the Queen, now the Prime Minister. Get about, don't you?
DOCTOR: Which Prime Minister? (motions for AMY to pull a lever)
AMY: (pulls lever before speaking into the phone) Er, which Prime Minister? (to DOCTOR) The British one.
DOCTOR: Which British one?
AMY: (on phone) Which British one? (her eyes widen and she passes the phone to the DOCTOR) Winston Churchill for you.
DOCTOR: Oh! Hello, dear. What's up?
WINSTON CHURCHILL'S OFFICE
CHURCHILL: Tricky situation, Doctor. Potentially very dangerous. (a shadow on the wall reveals a Dalek) I think I'm going to need you.
DOCTOR: (V.O.) Don't worry about a thing, Prime Minister.
INT TARDIS
DOCTOR: We're on our way.
INT. LONDON MARKET
The TARDIS dematerializes.
EXT. SPACE
AMY: (V.O.) In bed above, we're deep asleep While greater love lies further deep This dream must end This world must know We all depend on the beast below.
The view of Starship UK changes to reveal the space whale below, swimming on through the stars. | Plan: A: The Doctor; Q: Who takes Amy to the distant future? A: the Starship UK; Q: What is the name of the spaceship that the Doctor and Amy explore? A: Scotland; Q: What country is not on the Starship UK? A: dangerous solar flares; Q: Why did the population of the United Kingdom flee Earth? A: the ship; Q: What is the Star Whale willing to serve? A: a Star Whale; Q: Who is the Starship UK guided by? A: pain; Q: What does the Star Whale not feel after being rendered brain-dead? Summary: The Doctor takes Amy to the distant future, where they explore the Starship UK : a spaceship holding the population of the United Kingdom (with the exception of Scotland) after they fled Earth due to dangerous solar flares. They discover that the ship is guided by a Star Whale , who is being tortured out of the fear that when left to make its own decisions it will abandon them. Believing that the future cannot go on this way, the Doctor prepares to render the Star Whale brain-dead so it will continue to operate the ship but not feel pain. Amy discovers that it is willing to serve the ship, since it could not stand the children crying because of the solar flares. |
ACT ONE
Scene One - KACL Frasier is finishing his show. He is standing while he speaks into the microphone.
Frasier: Well, that's our show for today. Don't forget - Bob "Bulldog" Briscoe is up next. [Roz gestures for him to read a promo] Oh, yes. [reading] This is KACL Cash Call Week. $5,000 if you answer your phone with the phrase that pays. So when your phone rings, don't say hello, say...
He looks up to see Sam Malone in the window.
Frasier: WELL, BLOW ME DOWN!!! Uh...no, no, no. Say, uh... KACL is, uh... the talk of the town... talk of Seattle, whatever, Bye-bye.
He goes off the air and gestures for Sam to come in.
Frasier: Sam, Sam! [they hug] Oh my God! Well, what are you doing in town?
Sam: Uh, well actually I'm here interviewing for a job. The Mariners need a pitching coach and they gave me a call.
Frasier: They did?
Sam: Yeah.
Frasier: I mean, that's great, but... [off Sam's look] well, come on in.
Sam: This is all right? You're off the air?
Frasier: Oh, yeah, it's fine.
Roz: [entering from her booth] Fras, I gotta go. Your messages are on my desk and... [sees Sam] whoa, who is this?
Sam: I'm Sam Malone. I was a buddy of Frasier's in Boston.
Frasier: This is Roz Doyle.
Roz: [to Frasier] So this is the Sam Malone you've always talked about? The one who has no respect for women and treats them like dirt? [to Sam] Need anyone to show you around Seattle?
Sam: Well, you know, to tell you the truth I'm all right with the city, but I get real lost in my hotel room.
Frasier: Oh, boy. Just look at the two of you face to face. I imagine wild animals all over the Northwest are lifting their heads, alerted to the scent. Good-bye, Roz.
Roz: Well, if you need any company, give me a call. [hands him a card] Here's my number.
Sam: Well, thanks. That's a snazzy card.
Frasier: Yes, it glows in the dark.
Roz: So do I.
She leaves.
Frasier: So, uh, how's everybody at Cheers?
Sam: Oh, wow. Uh, well, let's see... you know that Rebecca finally married that plumber?
Frasier: Yes, yes... it's ironic, isn't it? You know, she spends all her energy trying to land some rich guy and she ends up with an ordinary plumber.
Sam: Well, that ordinary plumber struck gold. He's got a patent on some low-flow toilet thing. I mean, he's rich beyond her wildest dreams.
Frasier: Well, heck, I'm happy for her.
Sam: Well, don't be - he dumped her. She's back at the bar.
Frasier: Working at Cheers again?
Sam: No, she's just back at the bar. Hey, you know, here's some
good news: Woody and Kelly, they had a baby boy.
Frasier: Oh, that is wonderful! [pauses] Is he...?
Sam: No, he's smart. He's smart.
Frasier: Oh! Well, genetics takes a holiday, huh? [chuckles] So, Sam, you want to continue this over some lunch?
Sam: Yeah, I'd like that.
Frasier: [as they walk out into the hall] So, are Norm and Cliff still holding up the bar?
Sam: Uh, well, Norm is, but Cliff hasn't been in for a while. Evidently, he read this article about flesh-eating bacteria and he hasn't left his mom's house since. But, you know, there's a good side to that, though, 'cause a lot of people who haven't been around for a while are starting to come back to the bar.
Frasier: Oh!
[SCENE_BREAK]
MARTIN RISES FROM THE DEAD
Scene Two - Frasier's Apartment
Later that evening: Daphne is setting the table for dinner.
Martin: Hey, Daph, Sam was a major league ballplayer. Put out the good china.
Niles: Oh, yes, and while you're at it don't forget the Limoges spittoon.
Martin: Well, as far as I'm concerned, Sam Malone's the most important person ever to set foot in this apartment.
Daphne: [taking up the plates] I don't understand this American obsession with sports figures. They're all so superficial.
Martin: Yeah, it's not like they do anything real important like sit on a throne or christen ships. [he calls out as he and Daphne enter the kitchen] Hey, Niles, why didn't you bring Maris tonight?
Niles: I'm supposed to ask Maris to spend an evening with a baseball player? [chuckles] Why don't I just ask her to rub my shoulders?
Niles exits to the kitchen as Frasier and Sam walk in the front door.
Frasier: Here we are, Sam.
Sam: Oh, wow, look at this. Man, you got quite a babe magnet here.
Martin: [entering] Oh, Sam Malone! Hey, I'm Marty Crane, I'm one of your biggest fans! [they shake hands] Yeah, I was at the Kingdome the night you gave up four consecutive home runs. I bet you remember that, don't you?
Sam: Well, actually I don't. You see, that was during my drinking phase. Did I hit anybody? Did I hurt them?
Martin: No.
Sam: Oh, hey, then that was a good game!
Martin: Hey, Sam, this is my chair. You want to sit in it?
Sam: Oh... [he starts, then is clearly put off] yeah... well, maybe later.
Martin: I'll keep it warm for you!
Frasier: Oh, Sam, this is my brother, Dr. Niles Crane.
Niles: Pleasure to meet you. [shakes hands]
Sam: Yeah, you too. Wow... man, this is freaky. [to Frasier] He looks just like you did when I met you. What happened, huh?
Frasier: Wasn't exactly a health club you were running there, Sam.
[walks over to get a drink]
Sam: [to Niles] This is strange. I gotta tell you, I didn't know he had a brother.
Niles: [glares at Frasier, then] Frasier, I don't mind telling you I'm a little offended that in all the time you spent swapping bon mots with the beer-nut set, you never once mentioned you had a brother?!
Sam: Well, you know, the truth is, I bet he said something, it's just that when Frasier gets going you kind of have to tune him out.
Niles: That's a good slogan for his radio show - "Dr. Frasier Crane: when he gets going, you have to tune him out."
Martin: Hey, what did he tell you about me, Sam? His father, the old cop?
Sam: Oh, yeah, you I remember. Um, he told me you were dead.
Martin: [turns to Frasier, stunned] Dead?!
Frasier: Well, we had had an argument. You called me a stuffed shirt and hung up on me. I was mad.
Sam: You're a cop? [to Frasier] You told me he was a research scientist.
Frasier: [off Martin's glare] You were dead, what did it matter?
Daphne enters from the kitchen, carrying some plates.
Daphne: Hello.
Frasier: Oh, Daphne... Daphne, this is Sam Malone. Sam, this is Daphne Moon, Dad's physical therapist
Daphne: [enchanted] Well, it's a pleasure to meet you.
Martin: Daphne's from England.
Sam: [taking Daphne's hand] Yeah, boy, I've always been a sucker for the English accent. No matter what you say, it always sounds so classy and sophisticated.
Daphne response comes out as girlish giggles and flustered gibberish.
Sam: See what I mean? It kills me every time. [Daphne reaches to get a plate off the table] Hey, let me get that for you. A pretty lady like you shouldn't spend her whole evening in the kitchen.
Daphne giggles again as she and Sam exit to the kitchen. Niles strides over to Frasier.
Niles: Is it my imagination, or is Sam flirting with Daphne?
Frasier: Of course he's flirting with her. He flirts with everyone. He can't help it, he's a sexual compulsive. But he's getting help for it in a support group.
From the kitchen, Daphne giggles and titters again.
Niles: Did he miss a meeting?! The phone rings. Frasier answers.
Frasier: Hello? You'd like to speak to Sam? Um... [Sam enters from the kitchen] well, who's calling, please? Sheila?
Sam, alarmed, holds up two fingers
Frasier: Um... yes, well, he's not here right now, but I'm expecting him soon.
Sam: [whispering] No! Number two!
Frasier: [into phone] Uh... I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I was mistaken. He WAS here, but, uh, he left. Well, yes, I'll give him the message. Thank you. [hangs up] I'm sorry, Sam, I'm a little out of practice. So, uh, who's Sheila?
Sam: Just the um... woman I'm supposed to marry.
Frasier: Marry? When?
Sam: Uh, oh boy. Um, yesterday.
Frasier: Yesterday?
Sam: Yeah... I don't want to talk about it, Frasier.
Frasier: But Sam...
Sam: Fras, please? Just...
Daphne enters from the kitchen with a plate of food.
Sam: Oh, wow. Hey, something sure smells yummy here. [leans in close to Daphne] Oh, wait a second, I think it's me.
Daphne dissolves into giggles as the scene FADES OUT.
Scene Three - Frasier's apartment.
Later that evening: Sam and Martin are chatting while Frasier and Niles look on.
Martin: Come on, Sam, one more.
Sam: All right, let's see. Uh... 1949, Yankees, initials V.R.
Martin: Vic Raschi.
Sam: Oh, you're great. [to Frasier and Niles] He's amazing. All you have to do is give him the city, the date and the initials and he gets it every time.
Niles: That's very similar to a game Frasier and I play. [to Frasier] I'll go first. 1962, Prague Philharmonic, viola section, initials C.M.
Frasier: Czeslaw Milovicz.
Niles: Wrong, wrong, wrong! No, no, no--I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Milovicz was first viola the year before, but by '62 he'd developed Rosin poisoning and was no longer able to pluck.
Frasier: Damn! That's a trick question!
Sam stares at them blankly as Martin rolls his eyes.
Martin: Well, I'm off to bed. [Sam helps him up from his chair] Thanks, Sam. The chair's all yours! Come on!
With great trepidation, Sam sits in the chair and reclines back.
Sam: Oh, yeah... that's very nice.
Martin: 'Night, all. [exits]
Daphne: [entering from the kitchen] I'll be turning in, too.
Niles: Pleasant dreams.
Daphne: [chuckling] Well, no problem there. [exits]
Niles: Well, I guess I'd better be getting back to my Maris. If the clock strikes twelve and she hasn't felt my kiss upon her forehead she gets nervous. [puts on his coat] Sam, it's been a pleasure meeting you.
Sam: Yeah, you too. Hey listen... if you want to really put a smile on Maris's face let me tell you what you do.
He whispers in Niles's ear.
Niles: Exactly where am I supposed to find whipped cream and a car battery at this hour?
Sam: You got neighbors, dontcha?
Niles checks the time on his watch and then leaves.
Frasier: Well, Sam, now that everybody's gone, there was something I wanted to bring up. I just - what is it, what is it...
Oh yes, yes, I remember: what the hell do you mean you were about to get married?!
Sam: [stands] All right, all right. Uh, well, I met this girl six months ago and we were supposed to get married. And yesterday I was standing in this church facing this minister and I hear him say, "Will you take this woman to be your wife?" and I said, "Who, me?" The next thing you know I'm running down the aisle and I didn't stop running till I got here.
Frasier: So, you're not in Seattle because of the Mariners?
Sam: Believe me, no ballplayer is in Seattle because of the Mariners.
Frasier: All right, all right. Sam, let's have a seat here and start this thing from the very beginning. [they sit at the dinner table] Now, who is this woman?
Sam: Oh, she's a terrific person. She's smart, she's funny, she's horny. I mean, she's just the kind of chick you want to stick up on a pedestal.
Frasier: You know, Sam, it's always amazed me how you can elevate and demean in the same sentence.
Sam: What?
Frasier: Forget it, just...
Sam: Well, how do you think she found me here?
Frasier: Well, it's my guess, Sam, that you left a lot of clues as to where you were because, basically you wanted her to find you. I have a feeling that you actually want to marry this girl.
Sam: Yeah? I don't know...
Frasier: Look, Sam, all that happened was you panicked. It's perfectly natural. The wedding ceremony represents the end of your old life.
Sam thinks about it, then smiles.
Sam: I tell you, man, she's one in a million, you know?
Frasier: You know, for most guys that's just an expression.
They laugh.
Frasier: You know, Sam, I have a feeling that you're finally ready for a commitment like this. I think you ought to get on that phone and call her.
Sam: What would I say to her, though?
Frasier: Well, just tell her you panicked and ran. Tell her the truth. I mean, after all, honesty is the cornerstone of a healthy relationship.
Sam: Hey, thank you. [they hug] You know, it's time I stepped up to the plate and stopped acting like a kid. [picks up the phone]
Frasier: Absolutely. Geez, the only question now is, will she still take you back?
Sam laughs at the very idea. Frasier, realizing who he is talking to, joins in the laughs and they high-five each other.
END OF ACT ONE
[SCENE_BREAK]
ACT TWO
A DIRTY LITTLE SECRET
Scene One - Cafe Nervosa. Frasier, Roz and Niles are seated at a back table at the Cafe, discussing Sam's situation.
Roz: She actually forgave him?
Frasier: Yes, yes... More than that, she's on her way here in a plane right now. They're going to get married in Hawaii.
Roz: Same old story. Love triumphs over Roz.
Frasier: Oh Roz, don't be a sore loser, will you, please? Look, I invited them here on their way in from the airport.
Niles: I remember my wedding day. Standing at the altar, feeling faint, shaky, sweating. I remember Maris was so distraught thinking I might have cold feet. I'll never forget how relieved she was to learn that it was just a congenital heart murmur that would plague me for the rest of my life.
Sam walks in with his fiancée.
Sam: Hey, everybody.
Frasier: Oh, Sam! [standing]
Sam: Here she is - the future Mrs. Sam Malone. Sheila, this is Frasier.
Sheila: Hello, Frasier, it's nice to finally meet you.
Frasier: Sheila, likewise. Uh, this is Roz and Niles.
They all shake hands.
Niles: Congratulations.
Sheila: Thank you.
Sam: You want to sit down? I'll get us some coffee or something.
Sheila: No, actually Sam, it was sort of a long flight. I was hoping maybe to go back to the hotel and freshen up.
Sam: Well, all right, whatever. [to Frasier] Hey, will you join us for dinner about 8:00?
Frasier: Sure. Right... right.
Sam: Great. All right. Uh, well I guess we're off to [suggestively] freshen up a little.
They exit. Frasier stares after them.
Frasier: Oh, my god.
Roz: Well, she was cute but she's not an, "Oh, my god."
Frasier: No, no, no. Not that "Oh, my god." Oh, my god, I slept with that woman three months ago.
Niles and Roz both gape at him.
Roz: You slept with her?
Frasier: Yes!
Niles: On what desert island with no hope of rescue was this?!
Frasier: [glares, then] I was... I was in Boston for a long weekend. [sits] I was feeling a little depressed, so I took solace in the arms of a... a beautiful and remarkably welcoming young woman in a hotel bar.
Niles: And that was she?
Frasier: No, Niles. I told you that for absolutely no reason whatsoever. Of course it was she! Did you see the way she ran out of here the minute she saw me?
Niles: Ah, yes. The trademark of all your bedmates. [pause] Wait a minute. Three months ago? Didn't Sam say they'd been together for six months?
Roz: [putting on makeup] Well, it looks like this horse race is on again.
Frasier: Oh, put the weapon down! [shuts her compact] Stop it, Roz! Have you no scruples whatsoever?
Roz: You're the one who slept with your friend's fiancée!
Frasier: Well, I didn't know that at the time!
Niles: Surely you have to tell Sam about this.
Frasier: Oh, what, and ruin our relationship as well as theirs?! What I've got to do is, actually I've got to speak to her first. Hear her side of this story. I mean, after all, there are hundreds of reasons why people have affairs.
Niles: Roz, you want to get us started? [she shoots him a dirty look]
Frasier: Niles. [puts on his coat] Well, there's got to be some explanation. Maybe they stopped seeing each other for a couple of weeks. Maybe Sam cheated on her and she was just doing it to get even with him. Or, who knows? Maybe she just found me completely irresistible.
Roz: Oh yeah, that's it. [chuckles]
Frasier: Oh, all right!
Roz: You struck gold there, Frasier!
Roz and Niles laugh as he storms out of the Cafe.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Scene Two - Sheila's hotel room.
Later that evening: Frasier knocks on the door and Sheila answers.
Sheila: Hello, Frasier.
Frasier: Hello, Sheila. Good to see you again. [calling out] Sam, you are one lucky guy!
Sheila: He's out getting our plane tickets.
Frasier: Oh, good. Look, you have some explaining to do, young lady!
Sheila: Okay, okay. Wine?
Frasier: No, thank you.
Sheila: Look... first of all, I know this doesn't excuse what I did, but I had no idea that you were a friend of Sam's. I'm a sexual compulsive. It's how Sam and I met - in group. Look, that night I spent with you - I guess I just kind of fell off the wagon. What I did was terrible. I felt awful afterwards. It ended up being a kind of turning point for me. That's how it is with addiction; before you can get better you have to hit rock bottom.
Frasier: [insulted] Yes. Well... I'm glad I could be down there for you.
Sheila: Listen, Frasier - I'm human, I made a mistake. Can you understand that?
Frasier: Oh, of course I can understand, Sheila. And I sympathize. [sits with her on the couch] I've had many patients that share your affliction... although, to date you're the only one I've met who can hit the emergency button of an elevator with a stiletto heel.
Sheila: I want you to know that I love Sam and I'm going to do everything I can to make this marriage work.
Frasier: Well, you certainly do seem sincere about this. I think, in all good conscience I can support this marriage, but I want you to know if you start to feel yourself slipping, here's my number. [he hands her his card, which stuns her] No, no, no... so I can help you as a psychiatrist!
Sheila: Oh! Thank you.
Frasier: Oh, and... I think it's probably best if maybe we don't tell Sam about the two of us.
Sheila: Agreed.
Frasier: It's not that I have a guilty conscience or anything.
Sam enters.
Sam: I'm back.
Frasier: [leaping from the couch] Yaahh!!
Sam: You all right?
Frasier: Got a little charley horse, Sam.
Sheila: Did you get the tickets, Sam?
Sam: Yeah, I did. They're right here. [sits beside her]
Sheila: I'm so happy. By this time tomorrow we'll be Mr. and Mrs. Sam Malone. [they kiss]
Sam: Yeah... um, I want to talk to you about that. Um, Frasier said something the other day that really stuck in my mind.
Frasier: Well, that's a first. What did I say?
Sam: You know, that thing about honesty being something... of something... it was pro-honesty.
Frasier: Being the cornerstone of a good relationship?
Sam: Yeah, right. Well, that really stuck in my mind. Uh...to tell you the truth, I haven't really been honest with you, Sheila.
Sheila: What do you mean?
Sam: When we get married I want us to have a clean slate sweetheart, you know? Boy, I hope you can forgive me for this, but a few months ago, I had a slip. Actually, I had two slips but they happened simultaneously so I'm counting it as one.
Frasier: Was this after you were engaged?
Sam: Uh, actually, it was that night. [to Sheila] I'm... I'm so sorry. Listen, it has not happened since and I swear to God it will not happen again.
Sheila: Sam, I forgive you.
Sam: You do?
Sheila: Actually, I'm relieved, because I have something that I need to confess to you. You're not the only one who... slipped.
Frasier: [nervous] You know... I think it's time you guys had a little privacy. [gets his coat]
Sam: No, no. Frasier, you're responsible for getting us this far. Now, we have no secrets. [to Sheila] All right. Who?
Sheila: Well, that's what makes it so tough. It was someone from Cheers.
Frasier: Uh... you know, I just remembered. I parked in a loading zone. I'd better...
Sheila: Sam, I slept with Paul.
This briefly stuns both Frasier and Sam. (Fans of "Cheers" who remember Paul will understand why.)
Frasier: Paul? Short...
Sam: Bald...
Frasier: Fat...
Sam: Paul?
Sheila: I didn't say he was good. [gets up]
Sam: Well, you know - all right, I understand that. [gets up] You were giving Paul a break or something, you know? And I can forgive that. [to Frasier] This is what this is all about, isn't it - forgiveness?
Frasier: Yes, yes. [on thin ice] Okay, you told one, you told one, that's great, we're all even-steven! Let's go eat.
Sheila: There was someone else...
Frasier: [frantically upbeat] What, are we still on this?! Geez - I mean, there is honesty and there's beating a dead horse!
Sam: It doesn't matter. I don't care. It doesn't matter who it is.
Sheila: Yes, it does matter, Sam. I mean, this one is really embarrassing. I was lonely, I was desperate and I'd just been to the eye doctor and my pupils were dilated...
Frasier: Oh, Sheila, for God's sake! Look, I'll tell him.
Sam stands up to face Frasier.
Frasier: Sam, what's she's trying to say is...
Sheila: It was Cliff.
Sam is speechless, but Frasier looks relieved.
Sam: What?
Frasier: I believe she said "Cliff."
Sam: Cliff? Cliff... you? You slept with Cliff? CLIFF?! Oh no, that's it, wedding's off! [storms off to a bedroom] Cliff - oh, God!
He slams the door.
Sheila: Whoa... Frasier, you've got to help me. You've got to talk to him.
Frasier sits down on the couch, still reeling from the news.
Frasier: I slept with a woman who slept with Cliff?!
[SCENE_BREAK]
Scene Three - Frasier's car.
That same evening: Frasier is driving Sam to the airport.
Sam: Oh, boy. It's gonna be a long flight home.
Frasier: Well, I know it was painful, Sam, but you made the right decision.
Sam: Yeah, I suppose. [then:] Geez... Cliff!
Frasier: You're just using Cliff as the excuse. We both know there were more compelling reasons for you to back out of this thing.
Sam: Hmm... No, it was Cliff.
Frasier: You know, Sam, to put this thing aside once and for all, I...
Sam: Do you realize you're probably the only friend I have who she didn't sleep with? [he eyes Frasier suspiciously]
Frasier: Cliff. [chuckles weakly] That is a tough one to swallow, huh? But, you know the important thing is that you proved to yourself that you're ready for a commitment even if Sheila wasn't the one.
Sam: Yeah... I suppose so.
Frasier: You know, in a way we're both in the same boat.
Sam: Yeah? What do you mean?
Frasier: Well, you know... we've tried, we've failed. But we'll try again. Sam, we're looking for a meaningful relationship.
Sam: Yeah, that's it. That's the word right there - "meaningful."
Frasier: We're gonna find it though, buddy. I tell you.
Sam: You bet we will. [pause] You know, stewardesses usually hang out at that airport bar.
Frasier: That says meaningful to me.
They chuckle good-naturedly and Sam claps his hands in excitement as the scene fades out.
END OF ACT TWO
[SCENE_BREAK]
Frasier is alone in his car after presumably dropping Sam off at the airport. He is obviously still in shock from the evening's events as he keeps repeating "Cliff?!" over and over. He shakes his head in disbelief. | Plan: A: Ted Danson; Q: Who plays Sam Malone? A: Frasier's longtime friend; Q: What is Sam Malone's relationship to Frasier? A: Cheers; Q: Where did Sam Malone meet Frasier? A: Seattle; Q: Where does Sam Malone visit to seek relationship advice from Frasier? A: A seemingly straightforward counsel; Q: What turns into an ethical dilemma when Frasier realizes that he has had an intimate encounter with Sam's fiancée? A: Téa Leoni; Q: Who is Sam Malone's fiancée? Summary: Sam Malone ( Ted Danson ), Frasier's longtime friend from Cheers, visits Seattle to seek relationship advice from him. A seemingly straightforward counsel turns into an ethical dilemma when Frasier realizes that he has had an intimate encounter with Sam's fiancée ( Téa Leoni ). |
Scene: A lecture hall.
Sheldon: Good evening. I'm your guest lecturer, Dr. Sheldon Cooper. I was expecting applause, but I suppose stunned silence is equally appropriate. I agreed to speak to you this evening, because I was told that you're the best and the brightest of this university's doctoral candidates. Hmm. Of course, that's like saying you are the most important electron in a hydrogen atom. 'Cause, you see, there's only one electron in a hydrogen atom. Best and brightest, my sweet patootie. All right, let's begin. Show of hands, who here is familiar with the concept of topological insulators? Don't kid yourselves.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: I found another tweet from a student at Sheldon's lecture. Dr. Cooper has taken a relatively boring subject and managed to make it completely insufferable. Plus, he looks like a giant insect.
Howard: Look. Listen to this one. Does Einstein's theory explain why time flies when you're having fun, but when you're listening to Dr. Cooper, it falls out of the sky, dead?
Raj: Ooh, somebody took pictures and uploaded them to their Flickr account.
Leonard: Wow. How do you get an entire lecture hall to flip you off at the same time?
Howard: Apparently, if you're Sheldon, all you need to do is turn your back.
Penny: Hey, Leonard, is your wi-fi down? I can't get on.
Leonard: Oh, Sheldon changed the password. It's now Penny is a freeloader. No spaces.
Penny: Thanks. What are you guys doing?
Leonard: Sheldon gave a lecture at the university tonight. We're reading the reviews.
Penny: Oh. How'd he do?
Howard: Well, picture the Hindenburg meets Chernobyl meets Three Mile Island meets Tron 2.
Penny: That bad, huh?
Leonard: Read this woman's tweet.
Penny: Listening to Dr. Cooper has made me want to start cutting myself again
Leonard: Yeah.
Sheldon: Good evening, Leonard, Howard, Raj, freeloader.
Howard: So, how'd the lecture go?
Leonard: In a word, triumphant.
Leonard: Really? Triumphant?
Sheldon: Oh, yes, you should have seen those young people. Thirsty for knowledge, drinking in my wisdom. I may have changed a few lives today.
Penny: Oh, please let me tell him.
Leonard: I don't know, I kind of promised Howard.
Sheldon: Tell me what?
Howard: Actually, we should all share the moment. Raj, if you would.
Sheldon: Oh, tweets about my lecture. Hmm. That's rather unfair. That's downright cruel. Plus, insects have six legs. Yeah, I'm not familiar with the acronym KMN.
Leonard: Oh, uh, from the context, we think it means kill me now.
Sheldon: Well, I suppose everyone's entitled to their own opinion. I think I'll turn in. I didn't want to teach those poopy heads, anyway.
Howard: FYI, I think that's what Darth Vader said just before he started building the Death Star.
Scene: The Cheesecake Factory
Howard: Sheldon still moping?
Leonard: Yeah, it's weird. Even though he didn't want to give the lecture in the first place, being rejected by those students really hit him hard.
Raj: Mmm, I know the feeling. It's like accidentally walking into a gay bar and then having no one hit on you. It-It happened to a friend of mine.
Bernadette: Are you guys doing okay?
Howard: Yeah, Leonard and I are fine, but I think Raj needs to meet a girl really soon.
Bernadette: Well, that shouldn't be too hard. He's such a cutie.
Raj: Thank you, but cute is for bunnies. I want to be something with s*x appeal, like, like a labradoodle.
Howard: Labradoodle?
Leonard: We might be starting to zero in on your problem.
Bernadette: Don't you listen to them. You've got plenty of s*x appeal.
Raj: You really think so?
Bernadette: Yeah. You're a hottie.
Raj: Well, thanks, Bernadette. And just for the record, labradoodles are hypo-allergenic, which is a very sexy quality to those troubled by animal dander.
Scene: The apartment. Amy (on webcam, with an undersea background): So, what do you think?
Sheldon: It's a charming illusion, but it does not cheer me up.
Amy: Not even when I do this? (Pretends to be a fish)
Sheldon: No.
Amy: Well, that was the last arrow in my quiver of whimsy.
Sheldon: Do you realize that teaching is the first thing I've failed at since my ill-fated attempt to complete a chin-up in March of 1989?
Amy: If this humiliating experience is really troubling you, there are things we could do about it.
Sheldon: For instance?
Amy: Well, the first thing that comes to mind is isolating the part of your brain where the memory is stored and destroying it with a laser.
Sheldon: Hmm, no. One slip of the hand, and suddenly I'm sitting in the Engineering Department, building doodads with Wolowitz.
Amy: All right. Have you considered improving your socialization skills, thus allowing you to communicate more effectively with other people?
Sheldon: Isn't that their burden? I'm the one with something interesting to say.
Amy: Fair enough, but in its essence, teaching is a performance art. In the classroom paradigm, the teacher has the responsibility to communicate, as well as entertain and engage.
Sheldon: I sense that you're trying to slow-walk me to an epiphany. Would you mind very much jumping to it?
Amy: Perhaps you should consider taking acting lessons.
Sheldon: Acting lessons. Interesting. It might help if I could act as though I care about my students and whether or not they learn.
Scene: Penny's apartment door.
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.
Penny: What?
Sheldon: You're an (finger quotes) actress, correct?
Penny: I'm not an (finger quotes)actress. I'm an actress.
Sheldon: All right. You're an actress. I need you to teach me.
Penny: You want an acting lesson?
Sheldon: Perhaps two. I'd like to master the craft.
Penny: Okay, where is this coming from?
Sheldon: It has been suggested to me that acting techniques could improve my lecturing, at which, if certain tweets and blogs are to be believed, I suck the big one.
Penny: Yeah, I saw those. They were funny. I printed a few out and put 'em on my fridge.
Sheldon: So, when could we start?
Penny: Okay, just to be clear. You are asking me for help because I know something that the brilliant Dr. Sheldon Cooper doesn't.
Sheldon: I suppose that's one way to look at it.
Penny: I think it's the only way to look at it.
Sheldon: Are you going to help me or not?
Penny: Probably. I'm just enjoying the foreplay. Does this mean you are done mocking my acting career?
Sheldon: Oh, I'm sorry, I thought making the transition from actor to acting teacher was the signal that one's career had reached the end of the road.
Penny: Forget it.
Sheldon: I'll pay you 40 dollars.
Penny: Saturday, nine a.m. Bring cash.
Scene: The university cafeteria
Howard: Raj, I have amazing news!
Raj: What?
Howard: I just got offered a fellowship at the Weitzmann Institute in Israel.
Raj: Dude, that's incredible!
Howard: I know. The only thing is, I'm gonna be gone for two years.
Raj: Aw, I'm gonna miss you. Are you going with him?
Bernadette: I have to stay here for school.
Howard: That's what we're here to talk to you about. You see, Bernadette has needs.
Raj: What kind of needs?
Howard: Sexual needs.
Bernadette: Most of them regular, some of them kind of messed up.
Howard: So, while I'm gone, you're going to have to satisfy her.
Bernadette: What do you say?
Raj: I say okey-dokey. Howard (to the real Raj who is daydreaming): What ya thinking so hard about?
Raj: Just that I'm definitely not gay.
Scene: Penny's apartment.
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.
Penny: What's wrong?
Sheldon: Nothing. I was acting.
Penny: You were acting?
Sheldon: Yes. In preparation for today's studies, I read Stanislavski's An Actor Prepares, Stella Adler's The Technique of Acting, Uta Hagen's Respect for Acting, and Henry Winkler's Heyyy, I'm an Actor.
Penny: Well, good for you. Come on in.
Sheldon: How shall we begin?
Penny: Well, I thought we'd start with some basic movement exercises. You know, get our bodies warmed up a little.
Sheldon: All right.
Penny: So I just want you to relax and kind of move around in the space. You know, just do whatever feels natural. Sheldon?
Sheldon (doing nothing): You said to do whatever feels natural. This feels natural. Certainly more natural than what you're doing.
Penny: Come on, you got to work with me. We need to get connected with our bodies.
Sheldon: Penny, my body and I have a relationship that works best when we maintain a cool, wary distance from each other.
Penny: All right, let's just say we've warmed up.
Sheldon: You're the teacher.
Penny: Okay. One of the things that might help you in connecting with your students is being a little more spontaneous. So why don't we try some improvisation?
Sheldon: Why not? It seems like you're improvising your entire curriculum.
Penny: This is all about listening and responding.
Sheldon: Gotcha.
Penny: I'm going to create a character and a situation, and you just jump in when you feel it.
Sheldon: All right.
Penny: All right.
Sheldon: Action.
Penny: Okay, it's not a movie. It's improv. So no one calls action.
Sheldon: Hey, you taught me something. Who would have thought it?
Penny: Okay. Uh, no, the shipment has not arrived, and I really need those shoes. They are my biggest seller. Yes, ladies sizes six through ten. Thank you. Oh, sorry, I have to go, I have a customer. Bye-bye. Hi. Can I help you?
Sheldon: I'd like a frozen yogurt, please.
Penny: Yogurt?
Sheldon: Yeah.
Penny: Um, okay, sure. Luckily, we sell both shoes and yogurt here.
Sheldon: You do?
Penny: Yes. Look up at the sign, and remember, improv is always about saying yes.
Sheldon: All right. Yes. I see a sign. It says Camarillo State Mental Hospital.
Penny: What?
Sheldon: It's the only explanation I can come up with for why you think you sell shoes and yogurt.
Penny: Okay, you know what? Let's just try a different improv. Uh, oh, this time we will be two winos living under a freeway overpass.
Sheldon: Oh, and we're going to use props?
Penny: You bet. I had dreams, you know. I was gonna be famous. Show everybody back home I could be someone. Now look at me. Want some?
Sheldon: You have any frozen yogurt?
[SCENE_BREAK]
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: I'm still not adjusted to how the SyFy channel spells their name now. S-Y-F-Y. That's siffy.
Raj: Uh-huh.
Leonard (phone rings): Hello? Oh, my God! Is he okay?
Raj: What happened?
Leonard: Hang on. Hang on. Uh-huh. Okay, thank you. Howard was on his scooter, and got hit by a truck. He's in critical condition.
Raj: Oh, no!
Bernadette: Did you hear? Isn't it terrible?
Leonard: Have you seen him?
Bernadette: They wouldn't let me in. Oh my Howie.
Leonard: It'll be okay. It'll be okay.
Raj: It'll be okay. It'll be okay. (Phone rings) It's Howard. Howard, hello.
Howard: Raj, is that you?
Raj: Yeah, I'm right here, buddy. How are you?
Howard: Shh, shh. Listen to me. I'm not gonna make it.
Raj: No, no, no, don't say that. You're going to be all right.
Howard: Raj, I don't have time. Now, pay attention. My last wish is that you look after Bernadette.
Raj: Of course, of course. Now when you say look after, you mean...
Bernadette: Sexually.
Raj: Excuse me, Bernadette. I have to hear it from him.
Howard: Sexually.
Raj: Got it. Take care. I guess I have no choice but to make sweet, guilt-free love to you over and over again for the rest of my life.
Bernadette: That's how I heard it.
Leonard (out of Raj's daydream): Or it could be sy-fee.
Raj: What?
Leonard: S-Y-F-Y. Sy-fee.
Raj: Oh, right. Good one.
Scene: Penny's apartment.
Penny: So, did you get a chance to go over the scene I gave you?
Sheldon: Yes. I didn't care for it.
Penny: Okay, Cat on a Hot Tin Roof is an American classic.
Sheldon: So is the McRib sandwich. I don't care for that, either.
Penny: Fine. What would you rather do as a scene study?
Sheldon: I'm glad you asked. I took the liberty of adapting a Star Trek fan fiction novella I wrote when I was ten into a one-act play.
Penny: And you think it's better than Tennessee Williams?
Sheldon: Why don't we leave that for future generations to decide?
Penny: Where No Sheldon Has Gone Before.
Sheldon: It's the story of a young boy who is transported from the ignorant backwoods of East Texas to the 23rd Century, where his genius is not only appreciated, but celebrated.
Penny: KMN.
Sheldon: Now, in this pivotal scene, Sheldon's mother, played by you, argues with an emissary of the United Federation of Planets, Mr. Spock, the role I will bring to life.
Penny: Okay, that's fine, but let's try and get you out of your comfort zone.
Sheldon: Why would we want to do that? It's called the comfort zone for a reason.
Penny: Okay, the whole point of this is to loosen you up a little, so I'm thinking you'll play the role of your mother, and I will bring life to Mr. Spock.
Sheldon: I'm sorry. You'll be Spock?
Penny: It's only logical.
Sheldon: Very well. I'll set the scene.
Penny: All right.
Sheldon: East Texas. A warm summer night. A woman, Mary, stands on a porch. In the distance, we hear a lonesome train whistle. Woo-woo. The droning buzz of cicadas. Zzzzzzzzz. A coyote howls at the moon, frightening sensitive young boys everywhere. Aw-aw-aw! Out in the woods, an owl screeches.
Penny: Okay, okay. We get it. You set the scene.
Sheldon: Hoo!
Penny: Now just read your mother's line.
Sheldon: Shelly! Shelly, how many times have I told you not to leave your sciencey stuff out on the porch? Goodness, I'll never understand that boy. But then again, I'm a religious nut, and my mind is closed to so many things.
Penny: Woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woo. Spock to Enterprise. Transport successful.
Sheldon: Glory be to Heaven, some sort of creature just manifested out of thin air. George, put down that Pepsi can full of bourbon that ain't foolin' no one, and get your shotgun!
Penny: Greetings, Mary Cooper. I am Spock.
Sheldon: I'm sorry. I just don't buy it.
Penny: Just keep going!
Sheldon: Oh, my, your sudden appearance startles me.
Penny: We have been monitoring your son Sheldon from the 23rd Century, and we have determined that he is now ready to join us. His unique genius is our best hope for bringing peace to a vast and troubled galaxy.
Sheldon: I understand. Oh, Shelly? A man's here to take you away to the future! Be sure to pack clean underwear."
Penny: Okay, okay, let's try that last line again, and this time, maybe try choking up a little.
Sheldon: Why?
Penny: Well, you're losing your son.
Sheldon: Yes, but he's going to a better place where he won't get beat up. So much.
Penny: All right, come on, just try it my way. Pretend you're sad to see him go. I'm gonna lead you in. His unique genius is our best hope for bringing peace to a vast and troubled galaxy. That's your cue.
Sheldon: I'm sorry. I just love that line. Even the way you do it.
Penny: All right, come on, come on. Put some real emotion into it. Blah-blah, blah, blah, vast and troubled galaxy. Go.
Sheldon: Oh, Shelly? A man's here to take you away to the future. Be sure to pack clean underwear.
Penny: That's good. That's good. That's good.
Sheldon: Mommy, why are you crying? 'Cause I'm gonna miss you, Shelly-bean, even though you creep the bejeezus out of me.
Penny: Okay, I guess we're improvising now.
Sheldon: Well I'm sorry. It's not my fault. I'm just incredibly smart, and everyone around here is dumber than a bag of rocks. Oh, now, don't you start crying. You get in that spaceship. Mommy's late for Indian bingo.
Penny (on phone): Mrs. Cooper, hey, it's Penny. Yeah, I think I broke your son. Hey, hold on. Talk to your mother.
Sheldon: Mommy, I love you. Don't let Spock take me to the future!
Scene: The cafeteria.
Bernadette: Okay, Raj, I know you've been avoiding me and Howard, and I'm not leaving until you tell me what's going on inside that little head of yours.
(Scene turns into a Bollywood musical)
Raj (singing): Like the wild elephant I am trumpeting my love for you!
Bernadette (singing): Like a hidden flower my sweet fragrance comes into view!
Raj (singing): My heart burns for you like the sun at noon!
Bernadette (singing): My desert welcomes you like the rainy monsoon!
Raj (singing): You are my heart!
Bernadette (singing): My universe!
Raj (singing): You are my heart!
Bernadette (singing): My universe!
Both together (singing): My universe!
Chorus of everyone in cafeteria (singing): Hey! You are my heart! My universe! You are my heart! My universe! You are my heart! My universe! My universe!
Raj (out of daydream): Dance number aside, I'm so not gay. | Plan: A: Sheldon; Q: Who is brought to tears while acting out the Star Trek fanfiction script? A: his condescending personality; Q: Why is Sheldon unsuccessful as a lecturer? A: Penny; Q: Who does Amy suggest Sheldon take acting lessons from? A: a professional script; Q: What does Sheldon refuse to use for acting lessons? A: Spock; Q: What character does Penny play in the Star Trek fanfiction? A: his comfort zone; Q: What does Penny feel Sheldon needs to come out of? A: his mother; Q: Who does Sheldon want to be with when he is acting out the Star Trek fanfiction script? A: the part; Q: What does Sheldon immerse himself so deeply in that he is brought to tears? A: the phone; Q: What does Penny give to Sheldon so that his mother can console him? A: Raj; Q: Who becomes infatuated with Bernadette? A: Bernadette; Q: Who does Raj fantasize about getting together with? Summary: When Sheldon is unsuccessful as a lecturer due to his condescending personality, Amy suggests that he take acting lessons from Penny. Instead of using a professional script, he insists that they use a Star Trek fanfiction script which he wrote as a child. Penny plays the role of Spock as she feels that Sheldon needs to come out of his comfort zone, while Sheldon plays the dual role of himself and his mother. However while acting out the script, Sheldon immerses himself so deeply in the part that he is brought to tears, because he does not want to be taken away from his mother by Spock. Penny then calls his mother and gives the phone to Sheldon so that his mother can console him. Meanwhile, Raj becomes infatuated with Bernadette and fantasizes about them getting together. |
Lee is driving in the desert. He is trying to escape from cops. He curbs when he sees Lucifer on the road.
Lucifer: Are you blind? Lucifer opens the truck. He wants to get in but he is stopped by his wings. He hides his wings and gets in the truck.
Lucifer: The day I've had, I tell you. Right. I'd like a ride to Los Angeles, please. I... Oh. Dearie me. At least I'm healing fast. Do you have any aloe vera?
Lee: I ain't going back to L.A.
Lucifer: What... Hold on, you're not a real armoured truck driver, are you? Wait. Don't I know you from somewhere? Oh, yes, yes. You're that jewellery thief, the one who left in nothing but his manties.
Lee: You! You got me put in jail!
Lucifer: Uh, well, I think that one's on you, sir. I wasn't the one with the gun and the ski mask.
Lee: I'm not gonna let you screw this up for me again. It's time for you to go.
Lucifer: Well, you are a tenacious one, I'll give you that. Respect.
Lee: You one crazy-ass bitch. Now, get out of the truck. Lee threatens Lucifer with his gun.
Lee: Now.
Lucifer: Look... I know you don't want to shoot me, Mr.... What's your name?
Lee: Said out, bitch.
Lucifer: Mr. Said Out Bitch, tell me, what is it you really desire?
Lee: I just want to get out of here, man.
Lucifer: Right, freedom, of course. That hasn't changed. They ears the siren's cops.
Lucifer: Well, then we might be able to help each other. The cops are driving to the truck.
Cop: Suspect heading towards us. Prepare the blockade. They park their cars and stop the truck.
Cops: I can't see though. Eyes on. Easy, easy. Don't move!
Lucifer: Hello, there.
Cop: Hands in the air!
Lucifer: That won't be necessary. I'm Lucifer Morningstar, consultant for the LAPD. I've apprehended this stolen vehicle and all of its contents. You're welcome.
Cop: Hands up! Down on the ground!
Lucifer: Well, I'd really rather not. I've just got into some clean clothes.
Cop: Partner name and badge number!
Lucifer: Oh, for goodness' sake. Detective Decker. I'm afraid I don't know her badge number.
Cop: Detective Decker.
Lucifer: But I'd say with certainty she's a 34-B, if that helps. Hot as hell out here, isn't it?
Cop: Checks out.
Lucifer: Well, of course it does... I'm never wrong when it comes to cup size. Okay.
Cop: Hold on! What'd you do with the real thief?
Lucifer: Well, unfortunately, he got away. But not to worry. I don't think he'll be bothering you for a very, very long time. Lee is running through the desert with a slip. Benjamin pushes Linda's wheelchair to Lucifer's penthouse.
Lucifer: Ah. Good. You're here. Well, I wasn't sure what you fancied, so I ordered a little of everything. Thank you, Benjamin.
Linda: Lucifer, what is all of this?
Lucifer: This is your new wellness regime. I thought since I was responsible for your current state, the least I could do is heal you. And yes, Benjamin is part of the package. He'll be back after dark. Oh, well, don't worry, he'll be gentle.
Linda: Mm.
Lucifer: What? I just want to take care of you. Is that so hard to believe?
Linda: Yes. Out with it. What's going on? Lucifer shows Linda his wings.
Lucifer: Talk about insult to injury.
Linda: I-I-I didn't know that they could grow back. Are wings like... Body hair?
Lucifer: No. Don't be so ridiculous. This is Dad's latest stunt. A celestial spanking, if you will. I suppose that's what I get for giving Mum her own universe.
Linda: Holy crap!
Lucifer: Exactly. Mm. But it's no biggie. I cut them off once, and I can cut them off again. Now, I'd have Maze do it, but she's off bounty hunting again, and... Well, I thought, what, with your medical expertise and training...
Linda: Even if I was that kind of doctor, I'm pretty sure they're not teaching wing-ectomies in med school.
Lucifer: No, no, no, it's quite simple... It's just snip, snip, and Bob's your uncle.
Linda: Well, God's your Father, Lucifer. And things are never simple with Him. You don't know why for sure your wings have returned.
Lucifer: They've returned because Dad is a control freak. He's pissed off that He can't get Mum back, so He stuck my wings back on. But I am not His Mr. Potato Head. And don't worry, I fully plan to track down Dad's emissary on Earth, and give him a return message. But for now...
Linda: Emissary? You think God sent someone to do this to you?
Lucifer: Never mind all that. Right now I need you to help me. So come on, chop-chop.
Linda: No. As your therapist, I'm sorry, but I can't do this.
Lucifer: Well, as a friend, then.
Linda: Yes, as a friend who got caught in the cross fire, I beg you, please, think this through before you do something rash.
Lucifer: I...
Linda: I almost died because of your family drama.
Lucifer: Right.
Linda: But you can definitely text me Ben's number, though.
Lucifer: Okay. Oh, gosh, it's hard enough just to scratch your own back. Lucifer comes at the station.
Lucifer: Right, it's okay, it's okay, you can call off the search party. I'm unharmed.
Daniel: 'Sup, wimp?
Lucifer: Detective, Detective, I am so sorry. You must have been so worried in my absence.
Chloe: Your absence? I saw you two days ago. I thought you were just avoiding meeting the new lieutenant.
Lucifer: New who? Never mind, I don't care. We've got something much more important we need to discuss.
Chloe: Oh, is this about the message you left?
Lucifer: Message? Oh, right. Uh, well, we will talk about that later, but right now we need to figure out who kidnapped me.
Chloe: Kidnapped you? Okay, I'll play. Who kidnapped you?
Lucifer: I don't know.
Chloe: Well, what did they look like?
Lucifer: I don't know. L-L-Look, I'm fairly certain that my Father's behind it.
Chloe: Your father kidnapped you?
Lucifer: Well, no, not Him personally. God never gets His own hands dirty, does He?
Chloe: Uh-huh.
Lucifer: You don't believe me.
Chloe: Uh-huh. Sorry. This is just a little far-fetched, even for you.
Lucifer: Right. Okay, fine. I'll take you to the scene of the crime. Come on. Come on! Chloe and Lucifer are in the desert.
Lucifer: Yes, I'm sure. It's just... Past this shrub.
Chloe: Well, I don't see anything.
Lucifer: What? I... Ah! Ha-ha! Footprints.
Chloe: Those are mine.
Lucifer: Oh. Well... Well, then the wind must have blown the crime scene bare, Detective, because I am not lying. Someone kidnapped me. I was outside the hospital, leaving you a message, and someone stashed me...
Chloe: So this was about that message. Look, Lucifer, if you regret what you said, if this kidnapping tale is some elaborate distraction, you can just stop. All right? You don't need to tell me anything. I'm no stranger to the drunken dial.
Lucifer: Yes, I have been known to avoid the issue at times, but that is not the case here. Detective, I swear, this is the scene of a despicable crime. Chloe sees something.
Lucifer: What?
Chloe: I... I believe you.
Ella: Soaked in sweat, parched and starving, he scraped, clawed his way towards the light, but, ironically, the only thing stronger than his desperate desire to live was... The sun... Its relentless heat literally cooking him, until one last... Breath... And he's gone.
Lucifer: Tragic. But, now, can we please get on with it? Whoever killed this dehydrated sap is clearly responsible for my devil-napping. I mean, the location's far too coincidental. Who is he, and what does he have to do with me?
Chloe: Steve Banales. Owner and CEO of Angelette Hotel.
Lucifer: Steve Banales. That's strange. Never heard of him. You'd think we'd have some kind of connection. I suppose we'll get more answers once we find our assailant.
Deputy: Hey, Jerry. I think I found some footprints.
Lucifer: What? No, those are mine. Amateurs. How did we get stuck with the "B" team, anyway?
Chloe: Lucifer, this is Lancaster PD. The crime scene is on the L.A. border, so they're here helping.
Ella: I mean, I think they're doing a great job.
Daniel: Geez. These Lancaster guys are a bunch of tools.
Ella: Oh.
Daniel: Speaking of tools, whoa, whoa. Whoa, hey, Detective? Detective? So, what'd you find?
Sam: Looks like a key chain.
Daniel: Hey, guys, look at this.
Lucifer: Finally. A clue. An "A"? Right. Off we go, Ms. Lopez.
Ella: Oh, uh, hold up, bud. I need to do one more lap of the scene. Want to make sure we didn't miss anything. I mean, not that I don't trust Lancaster. I just don't want to disappoint our new lieutenant. Oh, my gosh, you guys, did I tell you that I saw Lieutenant Pierce speak at a conference last year? "The Red Tape Beyond the Yellow Tape." Riveting.
Lucifer: Sounds it.
Chloe: Yeah, you told us.
Daniel: Yup, you did.
Ella: Anyway, big fan. The guy is a serious rock star. I can't believe he transferred here. We are so lucky. And I hear he's a total sweetie pants to boot. Marcus Pierce comes for the first time at the station.
Marcus: I'm Lieutenant Marcus Pierce... All right, back to it.
Daniel: Uh, Detective Daniel Espinoza. Heard a lot about you, Lieutenant, and I'm really excited to work with you.
Marcus: I wish I could say the same. Aren't you that corrupt cop that got off easy?
Daniel: Excuse me?
Marcus: No. Excuse me. You must be Lucifer.
Lucifer: Morningstar. Pleasure.
Marcus: There was an investigation last year. We interviewed... What was it... 92 of your sexual partners? I think I'll refrain from physical contact if you don't mind... You don't seem reckless. Narcissistic, hedonistic... That I see.
Lucifer: Well, thank you very much.
Marcus: Not a compliment. Your file is as long as my Johnson.
Lucifer: Oh. Quick read then?
Marcus: Hardly.
Lucifer: Well, I, for one, don't need a file to ascertain you haven't even had a snog in ages, have you?
Marcus: Accurate.
Chloe: Okay! Hi. I am Detective Decker.
Marcus: Lucifer's partner. I know.
Chloe: Actually, he's mine. Uh, uh, consultant, to be exact.
Marcus: That's what I said.
Chloe: But, uh...
Ella: Well? Isn't he amazing? We just had the best conversation over the doughnuts I brought for him... Everyone, not just him. I'm not kissing ass or anything.
Lucifer: Mm-hmm.
Ella: Doughnuts for everyone! Doughnuts!
Lucifer: Right.
Chloe: Wow.
Daniel: Wow.
Amenadiel: Lucifer. I've been looking all over for you.
Lucifer: Uh, through here. Go. Amenadiel and Lucifer enter in the briefing room.
Amenadiel: So what happened?
Lucifer: It was terrible, Brother. I was kidnapped.
Amenadiel: No, Luci. I meant Mom.
Lucifer: Ah. Well, didn't you get my text?
Amenadiel: What? You mean the string of nonsensical emojis? Fire, sword, doughnut, spaceman, clock, dancing lady, flashlight, thumbs up. How am I supposed to know what that means?
Lucifer: I ignited the flaming sword, used it to cut a hole in space and time, Mum's light flooded through it, then it closed up behind her. All good!
Amenadiel: Mom's... Mom is gone?
Lucifer: Yes. Yes. I mean, she says good-bye forever, she loves you very much, et cetera, et cetera, but the good news is... You get your necklace back. And we all know how attached to that you are. So, back to more current issues. Me and my kidnapping. Now, clearly Dad is behind it, but the question is, who's his emissary, and how were they able to render me unconscious? Either they used some kind of celestial weapon, or the detective was nearby. And if it's the latter, then it has to be someone who knows she makes me vulnerable... Hang on. The "A" on the key chain is for Amenadiel, isn't it?
Amenadiel: What?
Lucifer: Of course. It's you! Now that God's favourite son's regained his powers, he's back to being his little bitch.
Amenadiel: Luci, I didn't get my powers back. Yes, I was able to slow time, but... Uh, that appears to have been a one-time thing.
Lucifer: But... You have got your wings back, huh?
Amenadiel: No. Not yet.
Lucifer: Well, isn't that ironic? You want your wings back and didn't get them, and... I... Get whacked over the head and hauled out to the desert.
Amenadiel: That's not ironic.
Lucifer: Well, not ironic ironic. More... Alanis Morissette ironic. Anyway, the point is, I'm sure your full powers will come back in no time. You probably just need... A good nap. Or eat some mangos. I've heard they work wonders. What? Ella enters.
Ella: We got a suspect. Prints on the key chain. First, it looked like it had been wiped down. Then, I whipped out the colour fluorescent film, and whammo.
Lucifer: Well done, Miss Lopez...
Ella: Mm-hmm. Oh, sorry. We haven't officially met yet. I'm Ella. Ella hugs Amenadiel.
Amenadiel: Amenadiel.
Ella: I mean, I've seen you around, doing your handsome broody thing, but... Anyway, any bro of Lucifer's is a bro of mine... Whoa. Someone works out. Now I know who carries the guns in the family.
Lucifer: Right, yes. Enough of that. We have a suspect. Shall we? Oh, Brother? About your problem...
Amenadiel: Yeah.
Lucifer: I think I might have just the remedy. I'll text you the info later.
Amenadiel: Words this time, please! Chloe and Lucifer are walking in the street.
Chloe: Josh Hamid, the victim's business partner. The two own this hotel.
Lucifer: Well, this is a mug shot. Has he got a record?
Chloe: Yeah. Possession of an exotic animal. A tiger, I think.
Lucifer: Oh, that's illegal? Too bad.
Chloe: Yeah, anyhow, looks like Josh and Steve both come from family money. Basically bought this hotel just to have a place to party.
Lucifer: Imagine, buying your own establishment just to justify your decadent lifestyle. It's absurd.
Chloe: Yeah. Absurd... Thank you. Lucifer and Chloe are looking for Josh Hamid on the balcony.
Chloe: Josh Hamid?
Josh Hamid: Who wants to know?
Chloe: Detective Decker, LAPD.
Lucifer: I imagine you recognize me.
Josh Hamid: You got a nice set of cans for a cop.
Lucifer: Right. Whilst I don't disagree, that is incredibly disrespectful. Perhaps I should teach you some manners.
Chloe: Lucifer, I got this.
Josh Hamid: Got a nice ass, too.
Chloe: Yeah? Well, I also got these, and your sorry ass is a suspect in the Steve Banales murder.
Josh Hamid: I told you Steve was up to something. You want to cuff me, honey? You're gonna have to catch me. Josh is running away. Chloe and Lucifer run after him.
Lucifer: Excuse me.
Josh Hamid: Oh, you've got a gun. Scary. Hey, you tell Steve I am officially impressed.
Lucifer: You think this is funny?! Lucifer pushes Josh away out of the balcony.
Chloe: Lucifer!
Lucifer: Well, maybe it's a bit funny. Josh lands in the pool. Josh is waiting for Chloe and Lucifer in the interview room.
Chloe: So, Josh...
Lucifer: Why did you kidnap me?!
Josh Hamid: I swear, I've never seen you before you tried to kill me today!
Lucifer: Really, Joshy.
Chloe: Excuse us.
Lucifer: What?
Chloe: What are you doing?
Lucifer: Consulting.
Chloe: Then consult less. So you say you don't recognize Lucifer, but you do admit to knowing Steve Banales, correct? Then did you do this to him?
Josh Hamid: This is a joke, right?
Chloe: We found this at the crime scene with your fingerprints all over it.
Josh Hamid: I didn't kill Steve, man! I would never! That's the key I gave to the fake kidnappers.
Lucifer: Fake?
Josh Hamid: Yeah. They get paid to abduct people. I hired them for Steve. It's our thing.
Chloe: What? To torture each other?
Josh Hamid: No! To pull pranks. The more money we made, the crazier the prank. The fake kidnapping was retaliation for the tiger Steve... Put in my backyard.
Chloe: What's the name of the company?
Josh Hamid: Snatched. Super under the radar. I-I got the deluxe package.
Lucifer: Ah. Well, they delivered.
Josh Hamid: They were supposed to nab Steve for 48 hours, tie him up in a warehouse, stick him in the desert, and then drop him back at the hotel. When he didn't show, I just assumed he was... Busy planning payback. It's why I thought you weren't real cops. I mean, a guy named Lucifer and the chick from Hot Tub Hotel?
Lucifer: High School. Hot Tub High School. She wasn't in the sequel.
Josh Hamid: I'm sorry. Anyway, can you blame me?
Lucifer: Look, here's the thing, Joshy. I can assure you we are quite real, and by the looks of it, so are your kidnappers, so tell us what you know about this Snatched. Amenadiel enters in the penthouse.
Amenadiel: All right, Luci, I got your text. What's this magical remedy of yours?
Remedy: Hi. I'm Remedy. I'm here to rub you. Uh, give you a massage.
Amenadiel: Oh... Well, why not?
Remedy: Lovely. Um, please remove your clothing and get under the towel.
Amenadiel: We're gonna need a bigger towel... I know where they are. I'll be right back. In the dressing, Amenadiel finds Lucifer's wings. Chloe and Lucifer are at the lab.
Ella: Oh, man. I searched the IP address, like, a zillion times and it keeps pinging to some random Russian server.
Lucifer: Surely there's some other way to track these miscreants. Something we missed at the crime scene perhaps?
Ella: I wish. All we found there was that key chain and our second victim.
Chloe: Wait. Second victim?
Ella: Leo. Once a vibrant rock squirrel. Now... Roadkill. Judging from his time of death, about 16 hours before Steve died of dehydration. It's pretty likely the kidnappers are the ones who ran him over.
Chloe: Mmhmm.
Ella: Poor guy never even saw it coming.
Chloe: So, did you lift any tire treads?
Ella: Sure did. Leo was squashed by a Ryuk Road Crusher tire. Commercial grade. Only 850,000 sets produced.
Lucifer: In the world?
Ella: Nope. In L.A.
Lucifer: Oh, for goodness' sakes.
Chloe: You know, there still is one angle that we haven't quite explored yet. And that is your connection to the case.
Lucifer: Oh, and I wasn't sure you thought there was one.
Chloe: Well, I'm still not sure I do, but we're stuck, so do you think your kidnapping was intended as a prank? Or to actually hurt you, like Steve?
Lucifer: Definitely the latter. My Father is not a jokester.
Chloe: Right. Right. So, say your father did hire these fake kidnappers...
Lucifer: He did.
Chloe: To...
Lucifer: Hmm.
Chloe: Any idea why?
Lucifer: Of course. He's angry that I gave Mum her own universe. I mean, nothing pisses God off more than exercising free will.
Chloe: I am trying to believe you here.
Lucifer: Something horrid happened to me and I woke up in the desert with my bloody... Wi...
Chloe: What?
Lucifer: Okay, Detective. I understand your confusion. And, although I've told you the truth from the beginning, you're a woman of logic and reason. And... That-that is why I left you that message. You require proof. And I suppose now is as good a time as any to give it to you... So perhaps you should sit.
Chloe: Okay. Mm-hmm. Lucifer lays down the stores.
Ella: Oh, right. Yeah. Maybe I should... Leave. You know, uh, third wheel. Watch out. Ella leaves.
Lucifer: Okay.
Chloe: Lucifer, just show me what you need to show me. You know, I don't need anything to drink.
Lucifer: Well, I do... I have tried to be honest with you, but if I'm being honest with myself, and I have held the real truth back from you, and you, of all people, deserve to know that, Detective... Which is why I want to show you.
Chloe: Lucifer, whatever it is that you want to show me or that you want to tell me, it's okay. I'm here for you.
Lucifer: Okay. Then, once and for all, I'd like to show you who I really am.
Chloe: Okay.
Lucifer: You ready?
Chloe: Yeah. Nothing happens.
Chloe: Oh, my God. What? Are you gassy?
Lucifer: Why is it not working?
Chloe: Why isn't what working?
Lucifer: What? I don't understand.
Chloe: I do. You know, I keep caring, and you... You just... Just...
Lucifer: No, Detective! I... Chloe leaves.
Lucifer: I really am the Devil.
Marcus: Well, that sucks. Dead ends piss me off. Which is why I don't believe in them. Now, these kidnappers might be fake but they're not invisible. There has to be a way to find them.
Chloe: You're right. If Muhammad won't come to the mountain, the mountain must go to Muhammad.
Marcus: I have no idea what that means, Decker.
Lucifer: Well, someone needs to get kidnapped.
Marcus: Now, there's an idea.
Chloe: That I was just suggesting.
Marcus: No one likes a credit hog, Decker. Now, who would be the bait ?
Lucifer: Well, I'd like to volunteer.
Chloe: Uh, it's not a good idea. If these are the same guys that abducted, allegedly, Lucifer, they're gonna recognize him.
Marcus: Right. We need somebody who's a lot less, well... Everything. Esperanza.
Daniel: Es-Espinoza. And, sure, that makes, uh, makes sense. I have the most experience in the field, so if something goes wrong, then...
Marcus: You're expendable. Exactly. Thank you. Now go get kidnapped, Esperanza. A customer knocks on the truck food.
Customer: Hey, excuse me, I was wondering if I could get a...
Lucifer: We're closed. We ran out of meat. All right, Daniel. You're not allergic to gerbils, are you? Just making some last-minute adjustments to the questionnaire.
Daniel: Hilarious.
Chloe: Hey, Lucifer, did you set up the pickup point?
Lucifer: Yes. Tour bus pickup. Olvera Street. Exactly one half hour from now.
Chloe: All right, good. Hey. You know the team will intervene before anyone gets hurt, yeah?
Daniel: Yeah.
Chloe: Okay. Look, if you're upset about what the lieutenant said, you're not alone. He's not a fan of mine, either. And I still can't believe he called me "Lucifer's partner."
Lucifer: You are my partner!
Daniel: You know, the truth is, I am feeling expendable.
Chloe: Why?
Daniel: It's not because Pierce said it. It's because of Charlotte.
Chloe: Oh.
Daniel: Yeah, after everything that happened at the beach, she's acting like she doesn't even know me. I'm not an idiot, I know she was using me at first, but... But then it seemed like she actually cared.
Chloe: Well, um...
Daniel: Whatever. I'll get over it.
Chloe: I'm sorry, Dan.
Lucifer: Yes, I'm sorry, too, Daniel, that I can't hear you. Could you speak up, please?
Marcus: T minus 20, people. Take your mark, Espinoza.
Chloe: Right, I'll check in with McMillian at the lookout point.
Daniel: Okay. Daniel s walking in the street. Lucifer calls him.
Lucifer: Uh, Daniel. Listen, uh...
Daniel: Come on.
Lucifer: Oh, right. Undercover, yes. Listen, I know you were talking about Charlotte. And as douchey as you may be, and I know you can't help it, her current behaviour has nothing to do with you, okay?
Daniel: And as much as I appreciate the pep talk, Lucifer, it was kinda you that got me in the whole Charlotte mess in the first place. So maybe you should just take care of your side of the street for a change, all right? Good talk.
Lucifer: My side of the street. That's a good idea.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Ella prepares Leo's funerals. Someone knocks on the door.
Ella: Leo? Oh.
Amenadiel: Hey. I'm sorry to bother you, but do you have any idea where my brother went? He's ignoring my phone calls.
Ella: Oh, bud, no, no, no. He's totally not ignoring you. He's just in the middle of this sting operation.
Amenadiel: Oh.
Ella: Can I help?
Amenadiel: That's very nice of you, but no. It's personal.
Ella: You a believer? Well, then, whatever it is you're going through, I'm sure it's all part of His plan. I mean, even the most pathetic, sad sack, powerless of creatures serve a purpose. Like Leo here... A van may have cracked his nuts in the middle of the desert, but he's still valuable evidence. That's the thing. You never know when your rock-bottom pain and humiliation can end up helping others. I mean, God works in mysterious ways. So you just got to believe that when He crushes your nuts, He does it for a reason.
Amenadiel: Has this, um, Leo provided you with a break in your case?
Ella: Not yet. But you got to have faith, right?
Amenadiel: Right... Right. Daniel is waiting for the kidnaper. Chloe is watching over him.
Daniel: The kidnappers are seven minutes late.
Chloe: Yeah, well, we didn't give them a lot of prep time; don't worry.
Marcus: I'm worried. Where are they?
Chloe: They'll be here. Come on. Come on, be here. Be here. Lucifer is waiting for his kidnapers.
Lucifer: Oh, lovely. Right on time. Hello. Right. How do we do... Oh, careful. I bruise like a peach. Easy. Chloe receives a text from Lucifer.
Chloe: Seriously? Lucifer is waiting for the kidnapers in a warehouse.
Lucifer: Ah, there you are. I have to say, the leaky pipe is a nice touch. Very Blood Simple. Coen Brothers movie? No? Oh. Well, hello, kidnappers. Finally, I have you right where I want you. Let's see, so many questions, how did you abduct me the first time? Hmm? How did you render me unconscious? Ow. What are you doing? Stop it, that tickles.
Gangly: We used this last week, right?
Large: Yeah.
Gangly: Did you forget to charge it?
Large: No. I didn't forget to charge it.... Dude. Not cool.
Gangly: I just don't get it.
Lucifer: I don't know. I hate to interrupt... Where were we? Daniel and Chloe are back to the station.
Chloe: Remind me not to leave Lucifer in the front seat unattended.
Daniel: And remind me to kick his ass for humiliating me in front of Pierce.
Chloe: Well, I'll help you if we can find him.
Daniel: Look... Don't worry, Chloe. Lucifer can take care of himself.
Ella: Found Lucifer's phone... In some bushes on Alameda Street. Kidnappers must have tossed it.
Chloe: What about, uh, traffic cams? Maybe we can pull a plate number.
Ella: No. I checked everything within a mile radius. Nada. Must have grabbed him in a blind spot. Unfortunately, I think we're dealing with some pretty crafty bad guys. Lucifer is torturing Gangly and Large.
Gangly: I... Can't... Breathe!
Lucifer: Please don't crush him. We've only just begun.
Large: No. Come on, man. Ask us anything!
Lucifer: All right. My face... How did you do it?
Large: What?!
Lucifer: Well, the wings are one thing, but my Devil face... How did you take that?
Gangly: We've never seen you before, man!
Large: Yeah, man. Never heard of you before today. I just got a name... Daniel LaDoosh... A pickup point, and that you got a thing for gerbils.
Lucifer: I suppose you also deny abducting Mr. Banales and leaving him to perish in the desert, do you?
Gangly: He's the client from last week, man!
Large: Right, man. His friend got him the deluxe package. We did the detail work here, and then our partner Sam picked him up, took him to the spider hole for a few hours, and dropped him back off at the hotel.
Lucifer: Well, then, it seems your colleague took a detour. Where does this Sam live?
Large: Koreatown! It's a pink building on Leeward.
Lucifer: Apartment?
Gangly: 5B, man! 5B!
Lucifer: Lovely. Thanks for your help.
Gangly: Hey, man! Will you let us go, man? Ella and Chloe are trying to find a clue in the lab.
Ella: So, prints off the key chain led to Josh.
Chloe: Right. Tire treads on the roadkill led to nothing.
Ella: There's got to be something we're missing.
Chloe: Maybe Lancaster has something.
Daniel: We're screwed.
Chloe: Or not.
Daniel: Remember the detective who found the key chain? He doesn't exist, at least not at Lancaster PD. They only sent patrol units to the scene.
Ella: Whoa. You think that was our guy? Killers often return to the scene of the crime.
Daniel: Which means he wasn't finding evidence. He was trying to steal it. Should have known.
Chloe: Why should you have known? Lancaster doesn't know us, we don't know them. Look, let's just look through these photos, try and find him in the background, okay?
Ella: Yes, and then we can nail his ass with facial recognition software.
Daniel: Here he is. But his back's to us.
Ella: You guys... Oh, my gosh. I knew... I knew he didn't die in vain.
Chloe: What?
Daniel: Who?
Ella: Leo. See, look. There's our suspect, right, leaving the scene, walking towards that van. Ryuk Road Crusher tires. Commercial grade. That's the van that ran over Leo. I mean, this pretty much confirms that this guy's our killer.
Chloe: Okay. So maybe we can get an ID. Let's run the license plate. Sam is packing his clothes. Lucifer knocks on the door. Sam goes to see who it is. Lucifer destroys the door.
Lucifer: Remember me?
Sam: It's you.
Lucifer: Yes. You know me as the Devil you so rudely turned into an angel and then dumped in the middle of the desert, but I don't know you, so, come on, introduce yourself.
Sam: I'm Sam.
Lucifer: Yes, yes, I know that, but what are you? And how did my Father get his hooks into you?
Sam: Your father?
Lucifer: Oh, come on, don't be coy. Let me see. Unless Dad got jiggy with some celestial babe after Mum, then you're not my sibling, so... Demon. Hmm? Changeling?
Sam: I work for an extreme kidnapping company. Snatched.
Lucifer: Oh, do you now? Well, do you know what? It doesn't matter what you are because... This should take care of you.
Sam: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! I... I'm sorry. I'm sorry I left you in the desert. I really am. And I'm sorry I left that Steve guy there, too. I... He was just a routine gig. I was gonna swap him for you, but when I went to pull you out of the van, you... You had friggin' wings, man!
Lucifer: Well, duh! Wings that you put there at the behest of my Father! Now stop lying!
Sam: I'm not! I didn't mean to hurt anyone. I swear. And believe me, I didn't want to run, but you scared the hell out of me.
Lucifer: Right, you listen, Sammy, I know you're just the messenger, so why don't you deliver a message on my behalf? I define who I am, not Him. Me! Lucifer's wings appear.
Lucifer: Oh, bloody hell. They're back, aren't they? How? How are you doing this? Did my Father give you some kind of totem? A talisman? What?
Sam: I'm telling you, I don't... I don't know what's happening. And I don't know your dad. Unless, is your, is your dad the Sinnerman?
Lucifer: Quite the opposite. Who's the Sinnerman?
Sam: That's, that's who, who hired me to kidnap you. He's, he's, he's a scary dude. Huge crime boss. I owed him big time. But because I didn't finish the job, I'm as good as dead now. That's why I was running.
Lucifer: And where do I find this Sinnerman?
Sam: You don't. He finds you.
Chloe: Lucifer?
Daniel: Get up. Up. Come on, get up. Put your hands behind your back.
Chloe: What happened to you?
Lucifer: I... I don't know. Chloe is sitting at her desk.
Marcus: Decker, it ain't good.
Chloe: Lieutenant, look, I-I know what you're gonna say. And, even though we caught our guy, Lucifer was way out of line, and I-I don't disagree, but here's what you got to know about our unorthodox methods...
Marcus: Detective, you...
Chloe: I am Lucifer's partner, yes, you're right, but you know what? He's mine, too. And, for whatever reason, we make an effective team. And will be even more so when I stop investing on a, um... Personal level. I am here to solve crimes. Not to see his... His thing or whatever, which is... Not something that you need to know. Right. Look, point is, you can say what you want, but I know I'm a good detective and I have a damn good solve rate to prove that.
Marcus: Okay.
Chloe: Okay.
Marcus: Okay. I just came down here to let you know that your perp has been released on bail.
Chloe: Oh. W-Wait, how is that possible?
Marcus: Don't know. Friends in high places, I guess.
Chloe: But there's got to be something. I mean, don't-don't you care?
Marcus: You do what you can, Decker. You can't save them all.
Chloe: Oh.
Marcus: But, um, good luck with Lucifer's... Thing or whatever. Lucifer is back to the penthouse.
Lucifer: Oh, hello, Brother. So, did Remedy cure what ails you? Did her massage make anything pop out? Talking about your wings, of course.
Amenadiel: No, mine are still absent... But yours, on the other hand...
Lucifer: Oh.
Amenadiel: Lucifer, I'm not angry with you that you somehow got your wings back, or even that you cut them off again, as foul as that may be. I'm angry with myself. Because somehow I made you feel like you couldn't confide in me.
Lucifer: Well, comparing body parts is never good for the male ego, especially between brothers.
Amenadiel: But that's just it, Luci... My ego should never be an issue. I am an angel. A soldier of God. His favourite son.
Lucifer: Oh, that's gonna be a thing, isn't it?
Amenadiel: Listen, Father, He... Works in mysterious ways. I was tested once and I failed. I'm not gonna fail again. Because this time, I have faith.
Lucifer: Excellent. And I suppose this won't bother you. Lucifer shows his brother his wings.
Amenadiel: But you... You cut them off.
Lucifer: I did, but the pesky things seem to be a bit more tenacious this time around.
Amenadiel: Well, like I said, I have faith. I'm sure it's all a part of God's plan.
Lucifer: Yes! If you mean his plan to continually manipulate and control me, then agreed. Because, by the way, he didn't just give my wings back, he took my Devil face as well.
Amenadiel: Luci, do you realize what this means? Perhaps Father is trying to show you that, that you've been forgiven.
Lucifer: What if I don't want His forgiveness?
Amenadiel: But, Brother, if you can be redeemed, that means that anyone can. Now, isn't that divine?
Lucifer: I'm not sure that this is divinity at work here... Have you ever heard of someone named the Sinnerman?
Amenadiel: The Sinnerman? Chloe and Lucifer are walking on the beach.
Amenadiel: No. Why?
Lucifer: That's who kidnapped me. They find a dead body.
Lucifer: At first, I thought it was a... An emissary on Earth working on Dad's behalf, but then, the more I think about it, the more I think... Maybe this isn't our Father who art in Heaven at all. Sam is dead.
Lucifer: But something much, much darker. | Plan: A: Lucifer; Q: Whose wings grew back after he cut them off again? A: a fleeing criminal; Q: Who does Lucifer encounter? A: his clothes; Q: What does Lucifer steal from a criminal? A: the police; Q: Who does Lucifer get to return the criminal to Los Angeles? A: Linda; Q: Who refuses to remove Lucifer's wings? A: a dehydrated corpse; Q: What is the new case that Chloe brings Lucifer to? A: the desert; Q: Where was the corpse found that Lucifer woke up in? A: Marcus Pierce; Q: Who is Chloe's new lieutenant? A: Pierce; Q: Who instructs Dan to get himself kidnapped? A: a wealthy man; Q: Who was the body of the man Lucifer found in the desert? A: "kidnappers; Q: Who did the wealthy man's friend pay to prank him? A: his own wings; Q: What does Lucifer try to restore, but Amenadiel discovers he has already cut off? A: Lucifer's self-severed pair; Q: What does Amenadiel discover while trying to restore Lucifer's wings? A: the last moment; Q: When does Lucifer make himself the target of the kidnappers? A: his own abduction; Q: What does Lucifer suspect the kidnappers are behind? A: the dead man; Q: Who was turned over to another kidnapper? A: another kidnapper; Q: Who did the dead man's friend turn him over to? A: The man; Q: Who reveals that he was hired by the Sinnerman to abduct Lucifer? A: the Sinnerman; Q: Who hired the kidnapper to abduct Lucifer? A: a mysterious crime boss; Q: Who is the Sinnerman? A: punishment; Q: Why does Lucifer believe God restored his wings? A: a void; Q: Where did God send Charlotte to? Summary: Lucifer encounters a fleeing criminal and steals his clothes before getting the police to return him to Los Angeles. He asks Linda to remove his restored wings, but she refuses. Chloe brings him onto a new case, a dehydrated corpse found in the desert where Lucifer woke up, while overseen by her new lieutenant, Marcus Pierce. The body turns out to be that of a wealthy man and his close friend reveals that he paid "kidnappers" to prank the victim. While attempting to restore his own wings, Amenadiel discovers Lucifer's self-severed pair. Lucifer tries to show Chloe his true "devilface," but is unable. To lure out the "kidnappers," Pierce instructs Dan to get himself kidnapped, which Lucifer arranges. However, he makes himself the target at the last moment, suspecting the kidnappers to be behind his own abduction. He interrogates them and learns that the dead man was turned over to another kidnapper. The man reveals that he was hired by the Sinnerman, a mysterious crime boss, to abduct Lucifer. Lucifer, whose wings grew back after he cut them off again, initially suspects that God restored his wings as punishment for sending Charlotte to a void, but eventually comes to believe that it is "something darker" connected to Sinnerman. |
Klaus (voiceover): My siblings and I are the first vampires in history, the Originals. 300 years ago, we helped build New Orleans. In our absence, a new king arose. Now I've returned and taken his kingdom as my own. I had hope this would bring our family together. I was wrong. French Quarter, The Abattoir Yard
[A dinner table is set up in the yard and Marcel's closest people are gathered around it. Klaus calls for everyone's attention to give a speech by tapping his cup with a fork.]
Klaus: Let us begin with a toast to our shared gift: immortality. After a thousand years, one might expect life to be less keenly felt, for its beauties and its sorrows do diminish with time. But, as vampires, we feel more deeply than humans could possibly imagine. (Klaus gestures toward a group of waiters and waitresses to have them join them at the table, one for each guest.)
Klaus: Insatiable need, exquisite pain... [The servants slit their wrists with knives, filling the cups with blood for the vampires.]
Klaus: Our victories, and our defeats. [He looks at Marcel.]
FLASHBACK--MARCEL'S MEMORY
Rebekah: You can't afford your wounded pride. With Klaus in control of your empire, you need to give him what he craves most: loyalty. Or, at least, the illusion of it.
Marcel: I ambushed him, tried to bury him alive. He's not gonna trust me.
Rebekah: He will, because he wants your allegiance. Speaking from my experience, I know that if you play the part, all is forgiven. But, if you give him any reason to doubt you, he will strike back. [Rebekah takes Marcel's hand in her own]
Rebekah: Make me a promise, Marcel. You will do whatever it takes to stay alive.
PRESENT DAY, DINNER AT THE ABBATOIR
Klaus: ...To my city, my home again. May the blood never cease to flow...
Marcel: ...and the party never end!
DIEGO'S MEMORY
Diego: I just don't get it, man. We would've stayed with you to the end.
Marcel: Letting you do that would have been letting you die, and you're still my people. Now, just follow my lead. Trust me, it ain't over yet.
PRESENT DAY, DINNER AT THE ABBATOIR
Diego: [raises his glass] To New Orleans.
Klaus: To New Orleans!
Everyone: New Orleans. [They all drink]
Klaus: I understand that some of you may have questions regarding the recent change in leadership, and I invited you here tonight to assure you that you are not defeated. No, my intentions moving forward are to celebrate what we have. What Marcel, in fact, took and built for this true community of vampires.
Diego: What about her? [he points toward Hayley] The wolf.
Klaus: Had you'd let me finish, Diego, you would know that there is, of course, one further matter I would like to address. [He walks over to the other end of the table where Hayley sits] As many of you know, the girl is carrying my child. Consequently, I trust you will all pay her the appropriate respect. However, I understand that some of you are concerned by this vicious rumor that I intend to use the blood of our child to create hybrids. I assure you I do not.
Hayley: [smirks sarcastically] Father of the year.
Klaus: It appears I will have to earn your trust. Very well, we'll eliminate the root of your anxiety. You see, how I can I sire any hybrids if there are no more werewolves alive in the bayou to turn?
Hayley: What? Klaus, no!
Klaus: [ignores Hayley] So-- eat, drink and be merry. And, tomorrow, I suggest you have yourselves a little wolf hunt. Go ahead, have fun. Kill them all!
OPENING TITLE AND CREDITS
Mikaelson Mansion
[A blue truck is parked outside the plantation house. Movers are packing up what appears to be a big painting into the truck]
Rebekah [to the worker]: Absolutely not, I paid for that!
Elijah: Please, you never paid for anything in your life.
Rebekah [to Elijah]: I hardly see how that's relevant. Nik's just punishing us.
Elijah: Well, we've hurt him. Deeply, it would appear.
Rebekah: We believed the worst about him, the one time in a million when the worst wasn't actually the truth. [Elijah starts to walk away]
Rebekah: Where do you think you're going?
Elijah: To make sure Hayley doesn't suffer for our mistakes. Niklaus is feeling vindicative, we cannot trust that she is safe. [Elijah leaves the house, leaving Rebekah alone]
The Abattoir, Klaus' Room
[Klaus is with Cami, who continues to transcribe his memoirs]
Klaus: And so then I bit Elijah, and left him in the bayou with my hybrid venom in his veins. Serves him right, for making such vile accusations against me. And then... [He turns to see that Cami has stopped typing] Are you taking this down?
Cami: To be clear: if the Quarter is yours now, you still need me why?
Klaus: My memoirs. A thousand years of history isn't going to write itself. [Marcel joins them in Klaus' room]
Marcel: Cami. What are you doing here?
Cami [to Klaus]: My question exactly. Klaus: Oh, it's quite alright. She knows.
Marcel: She does?
Cami: That you're vampires? Don't worry, he's compelled me to forget everything as soon as I leave. That way, I'm too busy agonizing over whether or not I'm losing my damn mind to realize I'm playing spy for an immortal egomaniac.
Marcel: You compelled her to go out with me, didn't you? [to Cami] And I thought you really liked me.
Cami: So did I. Klaus: I mean, to be clear, I only compelled you to give him a chance. Anything you felt for him was quite real. [Cami and Marcel exchange confused glances]
Klaus: ...and for the record, the level of awkwardness we're all currently experiencing is entirely genuine.
Cami: You think you're so clever, don't you? Compelling the poor naive bartender. Look what I found: real me, not your compelled therapist. [She shows Klaus the old photo she found of him and Marcel from 1919]
Klaus: Actually I prefer "devoted stenographer...'
Cami: You think this is funny, messing with my mind? My sanity is not a joke!
Klaus: No, love. I don't believe it is. [he compels Cami] You never found this. You will remember nothing of our life as vampires when you leave here, do you understand? [Cami nods] I think that just about does it for the day. You may go. [Cami takes her things and leaves]
French Quarter, In An Alley
[Hayley walks alone as she tries to sneak out of the backyard of the Abbatoir. She looks around to see if she's being watched. Suddenly Diego cuts in front of her]
Diego: Going somewhere?
[Elijah appears and breaks Diego's neck by throwing him into the wall]
Hayley: Elijah, you shouldn't be here. Klaus has his guys watching me.
Elijah: I wouldn't worry about them.
[Rebekah comes along, kicking down two other vampires who were hiding around the corner]
Elijah: Come, we mustn't linger. We'll get you some place safe.
Hayley: No, you don't have to worry about me. I'm fine. I've been deemed under protection by the almighty Klaus. It's the werewolves who need help. He ordered a wolf hunt as some jacked-up peace offering to Marcel's crew. You have to help them.
Rebekah: Out in the bayou? Do we look like a bloody vampire-rescue-squad? I think you should be grateful we came to save you!
Hayley: Listen. Rebekah. All my life, I've wanted to know who my real family was, and just as I find out that they're out there in the bayou, Klaus orders them killed. You wanna help me? Help my people. Please.
Inside The Abattoir
[Klaus and Marcel are sitting down opposite to each other in the courtyard]
Marcel: The humans have called a meeting. They're not exactly thrilled with the new status quo.
Klaus: How unfortunate for them.
Marcel: Look, it's your show now. But you wanna know how I built what I built? Politics. A little diplomacy goes a long way, especially with the human faction.
Klaus: Duly noted. [He looks at the photo that Cami found] I haven't thought about this night in ages. 1919, the opera house, just before it burned. This was the end of an era. Now, in the interest of new beginnings, I feel that there are some things I should probably confess to you. But... [He grabs a glass of alcohol] Where to begin?
Klaus [continues]: Thierry was never disloyal to you, I set him up in an attempt to locate my brother. He's your friend, and consequently, he can return to the compound at your discretion. Cami's part, you just learned. And then, there's young Joshua. I've been compelling him from the beginning, although I suspect you already knew that, as he was the one who led me into your trap.
Marcel: I may have fed the kid some misinformation.
Klaus: And then there's Davina. She's a powerful weapon. At this point, I'd like to keep her close at hand. I think we should have her move in to the compound here with us.
Marcel: She can't leave the attic. I already tried to move her once.
Klaus: Yes, about that... Turns out, your little witch is quite the actress. She made a deal with Elijah while he was in captivity, tricked you into letting her stay put in exchange for some spells from our mother's grimoire.
Marcel: [nods bitterly] Good to know. Is that all?
Klaus: I do believe it is. Marcel: I appreciate the honesty.
[Klaus drinks from his glass, approving]
Marcel: Meeting's in an hour.
[Marcel leaves]
Cami's Apartment Cami finds a post-it note on her mirror that says: Believe nothing Klaus tells you. She sees another note attached to a book: Your bag Inside pocket Cami grabs the bag and finds a mobile phone with a recording of Klaus' voice: "And so then I bit Elijah and left him in the bayou with my hybrid venom in his veins. Serves him right for making such vile accusations against me." Cami looks terrified. Davina's Attic Room
[Marcel is talking to Davina, who is painting]
Marcel: You're gonna love it at the compound. I already got the best room in the place picked out.
Davina: I can't leave! Remember what happened last time?
Marcel: I know about your deal with Elijah. We can't be lying to each other. I'm trying to protect you. With the witches still looking to kill you for the Harvest, believe me, you're safest with us.
[Klaus arrives]
Klaus: Plus, there's excellent light in the afternoon. [He notices Davina's paintings and goes to take a closer look at them] I see you're an artist. Wonderful! I look forward to witnessing your many talents!
Davina [to Marcel]: Was this his idea?
Klaus: Davina, please. I understand you're devoted to Marcel, but Marcel is devoted to me. I assume you'll want what's best for all of us. [He walks over to Marcel] We have a meeting to attend downstairs.
[Marcel nods and Klaus leaves]
Marcel: I'll get someone to pick up your things. We'll get you settled in right. Trust me.
[Marcel goes to join Klaus at the meeting downstairs, leaving a very sad Davina left behind]
St. Anne's Catholic Church
[Father Kieran lifts his head and sees Klaus and Marcel arrive]
Father Kieran: Klaus, Marcel, thank you for coming. We are aware of the change in the leadership in your community, and we thought it was time to make the appropriate introductions.
[The Mayor and the Sheriff stand up]
Mayor [to Klaus]: We wanna be sure you understand how things work around here.
Klaus [to Mayor]: Is that so?
[The Mayor nods]
Father Kieran [to Klaus]: What the Mayor means is that we just want some insurance that this new development isn't going to endanger our city or its inhabitants.
The Sheriff: [to Klaus and Marcel] Look, you freaks do your thing, and we'll look the other way. [Klaus looks at Marcel] As long as our pockets stay full, we won't have a problem.
[Father Kieran looks a bit disappointed and tries to backtrack]
Father Kieran [to Klaus]: More importantly, there are rules. No feeding on the locals, don't bring any unwanted attention to the city. History has proven that we can co-exist peacefully. However if you cross the line...
[Father Keiran is being interrupted by the Sheriff]
Sheriff [to Klaus]: You answer to us.
Klaus [laughs loudly]: Okay... I'm sorry, let me get this straight-- I'm to play supplicant to this pompous ass and his ridiculous group of petty thieves? [He sighs dramatically, shakes his head and walks towards the Sheriff and Mayor] Here are my terms: You will take whatever scraps I see fit to leave you, and you will be grateful. If that doesn't suit you, I may decide you've outlived your usefulness.
[The Sheriff looks angry as Klaus walks down the aisle to take his leave. Marcel follows, annoyed at his actions]
Werewolf Camp In The Bayou, By The Lake
[Klaus' and Marcel's vampire crew is violently searching the camp for wolves to kill. Diego gives them commands]
Diego: Hey, they're obviously here. Fan out, find 'em, and bring me some heads!
[Elijah and Rebekah appear a couple of meters away from Diego]
Elijah: I'd rather you didn't.
Diego: The hell are you doing out here?
Elijah: I've come to suggest you seek other hunting grounds.
Diego: [shrugs] Suggestion noted...
[Rebekah walks up to him]
Rebekah: Oh Diego, it would be such a shame to have to rearrange that pretty face. [She swings her arm to punch him in the face, but Diego stops her by grabbing her arm]
Diego: What the hell do you care about wolves?
Elijah: Generally, I don't. However, this particular clan is not to be touched. [beat] Goodbye.
Rebekah: [smiles sweetly and whispers to Diego] Bye.
Diego: [to his fellow vampires] Nothing here anyway. [He whistles, and the hunting party leaves]
Rebekah: Ah, great. I think as well our job here is done.
Elijah: [senses something supernatural in their nearby surroundings] Not quite.
[Elijah vamp-speeds away and finds Eve, who is standing by a tree, waiting]
Elijah: We're not here to harm you. Hello, again. Eve, was it?
Rebekah: One of Hayley's litter-mates, I presume?
Eve: Hayley sent you here to protect us, didn't she? Tell her we appreciate the concern, but we've been looking out for ourselves for a while now. Nobody finds us unless we wanna be found.
Rebekah: Well, we found you, so...
Eve: Like I said. There's something I thought you and your family should know about.
[Eve starts walking along the path with a stake and a map in her hands]
At A Bar
[Klaus joins Marcel at a table. He has brought a bottle of whiskey]
Klaus: I think it goes far more gracious than they deserved.
[Marcel stares at Klaus, who now pours their drinks]
Klaus: You're disappointed by my lack of diplomacy. You out of all people should need no reminder of the human capacity for cruelty.
[Marcel continues to remain quiet. Klaus' phone buzzes. He rises from the chair to answer it]
Klaus: Hello?
The Sheriff: Mr. Mikaelson. I just wanted to let you know that the faction's considered your terms. We've reached a decision.
Klaus: Have you?
[An explosion is heard from outside, and large amounts of automatic gunfire pierces through the walls and windows of the Abbatoir compound, scattering broken glass all over the bar room. Some vampires are hurt by the gunfire, and some nightwalkers even catch fire and burn to dead. Someone screams. Marcel hurries to save one of the burning vampires but both himself and Klaus are hit by machine gun shots. Marcel collapses and falls onto the floor in pain. Klaus is furious]
The Bar
[Klaus and Marcel are alone in the compound's bar after the explosion. The room is now empty and the furniture's disarranged. A burned skeleton lays near them]
Marcel: Dammit, dammit, dammit! [He flips a table, enraged] This is on you! [points at Klaus] Now that you're in charge, these are your guys laying dead. Your guys. You're gonna run this city, that better mean something to you, otherwise no one worth a damn is gonna follow you. No one!
[Klaus smiles when Marcel turns away]
Klaus: I was beginning to worry about you. I don't think I could've taken any more of this differential nonsense. I mean clearly I underestimated the faction, that won't happen again. But, tell me: Now that we've arrived to this point, now that they have come into our home, visited this upon our people... How would you counsel me to respond?
Marcel: Let's go kill them all.
The Bayou Werewolf Camp
[Eve, Elijah and Rebekah have stopped by the lake and Eve is showing a map to the siblings]
Eve: Surrounded by 20,000 acres of swamp, the ones born here who now know it like the backs of our hands, will be fine. But here, [she points at the map with her stake] newcomers from out of state - not of Hayley's and my kin. But, word's spread about that baby of hers. A lot of werewolves wanna see this miracle pregnancy for themselves. Only now, the vampires are out looking for blood, and all these werewolves new at the bayou might not know where to hide.
Rebekah: You say that like we're supposed to care.
Eve: Believe me, you're gonna want them kept alive.
Elijah: And why is that?
Eve: See for yourself.
[SCENE_BREAK]
In The Compound's Garage
Davina: I know you're in here, Josh. I can sense your fear.
Josh [from behind a car]: I heard you're moving in.
Davina [smiling]: What are you doing in here?
Josh: You might've known.
[Davina and Josh hug]
Josh: You know, incognito. Gotta run for the hills, but I'm stuck here until it gets dark.
Davina: Are you okay?
Josh: Yeah, yeah... No. Not really. I mean, totally led Klaus into a trap that was the most epic fail of all time, so yeah, kinda crapping my pants right now, figuratively. So far.
Davina: It's okay. You can trust Marcel. And if Klaus tries to hurt you - I'll hurt him.
[While they were talking, Hayley has walked in on them]
Hayley: I'm sure if you could actually stop Klaus, you would've done it already.
Davina: You're Hayley. Klaus' wife. Hayley: Ew, no. Never. I'm the pregnant werewolf. And you must be all-powerful superwitch, Davina? And let's not forget Josh, newbie vampire way out of his element, voted "Most Likely to Die Next." Josh: [nods nervously] Fantastic. Hayley: Hey. I'm just another one of Klaus' prisoners. Of course, it would suck if he found out you're still lurking around. Maybe there's a world where we can all look out for each other?
Cami's Apartment
[Cami rushes to the door when she hears a knock]
Cami: [sees its her uncle] I called you hours ago!
Father Kieran: I came as fast as I could. What's going on? Your voicemail sounded... [he is interrupted by Cami]
Cami: What!? Paranoid? Unhinged?
Father Kieran: [hesitates] Upset.
Cami: That picture I found. The one that was.. I don't know, a hundred years old. You said it was just a coincidence. But... [She grabs the phone with recordings of Klaus' and her earlier meeting. She presses 'play,' and Father Kieran hears Cami's and Klaus' voices: 'My sanity is not a joke.' - 'No, love, I don't believe it is.' Cami's eyes fill with tears] Cami: ...that's my voice! But I don't remember it. I think it's... It think it's some kind of mind-control, he's erasing my memory!
[Father Kieran's phone rings]
Father Kieran [on the phone]: Yes? They what? [He looks concerned and dodges the call] We will talk about this later. [He leaves Cami's apartment in a hurry]
Rosseau's Bar, Meeting Room
[Father Kieran arrives to a city council meeting]
Father Kieran: Why wasn't I consulted on this?
The Mayor: You've been gone for over eight months, Kieran. We got used to doing things on our own.
The Sheriff: This Klaus Mikaelson, I don't care who he is or what the rumors say. He needed to be taught a lesson.
Father Kieran: You are gonna start a war!
The Sheriff: I'd like to see them try. Oh, and Kieran, this is the last time you call a meeting. Next time you wanna criticize our leadership, send a damn email.
Father Kieran: I thought you called this meeting...?
The Sheriff: The hell we did.
[Klaus enters the room]
Klaus: Actually, I called it. It appears I made a grave error during our earlier conference. My friend Marcel offered me wise counsel, and I failed to heed it.
The Sheriff: I'm glad to hear you've learned your lesson.
Klaus: Oh, I won't be making that mistake again. [calls out] Marcel!
[Marcel vamp-speeds to the Sheriff and stabs his neck. Marcel grins, content, as the Sheriff bleeds and people scream. Klaus approaches him, smiling]
Klaus: Shall we...? Marcel: After you!
Rosseau's Bar, Meeting Room - Klaus, Marcel and Father Kieran.
[Klaus drinks the last drops of blood from a seemingly dead woman. He's alone with Father Kieran, Marcel occupied with his own body on the floor out of sight, and there are a bunch dead bodies on the floor]
Klaus: There he is. Our lone survivor. Such a sad day for our city. [He pats Father Kieran on the shoulder] Some of its best and brightest killed in a tragic boating accident on the Mississippi. Rather nasty explosion, I heard. [He looks Kieran in the eyes] What am I going to do with you?
Marcel: [stands up] Okay, hold up. I've know Kieran for a long time. He's smart and he's fair. I think he can do us more good alive than dead. Not to mention he's Cami's uncle. [Klaus looks at him questioningly] Don't see you care about things much-- it's kinda hard not to notice when you do.
Klaus: Very well. Use this reprieve to remake your human faction. Father
Kieran: And how do you expect me to remake the Mayor?
Klaus: Well surely there's a deputee Mayor. Choose new leaders. Then we'll re-open negotiations. [Klaus takes his leave]
Werewolf Camp In The Bayou - In The Evening
Rebekah: [looks around the werewolf encampments] All these wolves really travel in style, don't they? Elijah [opens the door to a trailer]: Empty.
Rebekah: Piled on the pavement, perhaps.
Elijah: So, proceed then.
Rebekah: Let's not, and tell Hayley that we did. Then, you get to impress the girl, and I can go home. You know how hovels depress me.
Elijah: [smiles slightly] I'm not trying to impress the girl.
Rebekah: I should bloody hope you are, why else are we out here? [Elijah remains silent] Come on, Elijah! You've fallen for her, admit it. May do wonders for the stick that's lodged up your enduringly stoic arse if you did.
Elijah [smiles]: If I admit to you that it's complicated, would that suffice? Or, are you determined to torment me throughout this endeavor?
[They hear a noise and turn to find that the hunting party has returned. One of the vampires is feeding from a werewolf. Elijah vamp-speeds over to Diego and pulls his head backwards by the hair]
Elijah: Darling, we need to stop meeting like this. This is how rumors begin! [He releases Diego] You can go now. [No one moves] Perhaps I'm not making myself clear here. This is a threat. In precisely three minutes' time, your little hunting party will become the prey. Now, based on your recent failure to subdue my baby brother Niklaus, this, despite a better than a 100-to-1 advantage. I recommend you heed my warning.
[Diego is frustrated and embarrassed, but leaves with his guys]
Rebekah: Impressive.
Elijah: Well, I thought the situation demanded something a little dramatic.
[The hurt werewolf, Cary, is groaning in pain on the ground. He gets up]
Cary: Who are you people?
Elijah: [notices that Cary wears necklace with a ring around his neck] I would say the better question is: Who are you?
The French Quarter, Outside
Klaus: [drinks from a flask] To our united front! This act of yours, the imitation of friendship. Don't get me wrong, you played the part well enough, I should know, having played it myself. There was a time when the affinity between us was quite real.
Marcel: Sure. And then you got it in your head to take what I created. When I picked up that coin I swore loyalty, Klaus, not friendship. I'm holding up my end, the other one has to be earned.
Klaus: Fair enough. Then, you should probably know the whole story. My decision was not entirely my own. If I didn't agree to usurp your power, the witches swore to kill my unborn child. But, at first, the promise of an offspring meant little to me. Then I recalled my father; how he held me in contempt from the moment I was born. As yours did with you. I will not do to my child what was done to me. To us. [he drinks deeply]
Marcel: All this - the spying, the manipulation - that's just something you were forced into. Is that it? And what now? You feel kinda bad... "Hey buddy, it's nothing personal." Is that it?
Klaus: I admit. I was jealous. I saw the empire you had created on your own, without me. I saw it - and I wanted it.
Marcel: You're wrong, you know. I didn't do it on my own. I stood in the shadow of my father my entire human life, and I never would've gotten out from under it, if not for you. You're the one who taught me that a man can't be defined by anyone but himself. [pauses awkwardly, then continues] So, what now?
Klaus: This community that you've built - you have their respect. Their love. I could rule them but I cannot win them, not without you. So rule with me. Side by side as equals. Friends. Brothers.
[Klaus raises the bottle. After a while Marcel drinks from it. Klaus smiles cheerfully]
Klaus' Living Room
[Klaus is reading a book when Hayley walks in]
Hayley: Those werewolves you ordered killed, that's my family.
Klaus: Not for long, love. I mean, this so-called family of yours, they haven't done you much good, have they? [Hayley avoids his gaze] You said it yourself: they abandoned you and left you on your own. Now it's simply your turn to do the same.
Hayley: Maybe they had their reasons. Klaus: [loses the book angrily and gets up] Yes, while I have reason too, little wolf. If the werewolves are dead, then the vampires have less desire to kill you. I am trying to keep you safe. Not that you appreciate the effort. Hayley: And as soon as I have this baby, what happens to me then?
[They both stare at each other in awkward silence]
Hayley: Right... Well, lucky for me I have a little while before I find out. [she smirks bitterly] And in the meantime I will find a way to pay you back for this. As long as I'm in the family, you can't do a damn thing about it.
[Hayley leaves]
Davina's New Bedroom
[Davina is searching through a cardboard box. Hayley finds her]
Hayley: What are you looking for?
Davina: My violin. It must be left in the attic.
Hayley: So, just go get it.
Davina: I can't. It's not safe for me out there.
Hayley: Funny, I was under the impression everyone was afraid of you.
Davina: The witches are after me.
Hayley: You mean that crazy witch, Agnes? Yeah, she tried to kill me too. The thing is, she's dead. Elijah killed her.
Davina: But.. Agnes was the last living Elder. If she's dead, then I'm safe. Marcel would've told me.
Hayley: Maybe he didn't wanna lose his secret weapon against the witches?
Davina: You're lying.
Hayley: Why would I lie to you?
Davina: Because you want something from me. Everyone does.
Hayley: Do I want something from you...? Yeah, Davina, actually I do. Thanks to your friend Marcel, most of my family is cursed. They're stuck in their wolf form, except on a full moon. Now, I'm smart enough to know that every curse has a loophole. And, well, you're the strongest witch I've ever heard of. But I wouldn't lie to you to get what I want. I'd ask you. I guess that's the difference between Marcel and me.
[Hayley turns away and leaves Davina, who watches her leave. Josh walks in]
Josh: Looking for something? [Davina smiles when she sees he brought Tim's violin] I figured with you vacating, the attic would be a safe zone. Found this there.
Davina: It was dangerous for you to come back, Josh.
Josh: Yeah, well... What are friends for? Or whatever.
[Davina laughs gently]
Josh: Hey, what did Hayley want?
Davina: Do you trust her?
Josh: I don't know. Why?
Davina: She told me about a witch being killed. An Elder, but I don't know if she...
Josh [interrupts]: Yeah, crazy Agnes? I heard about that, that Elijah went all berserker on her crew. I guess it was super gross, just like heads and guts... bleh! [Davina looks at him, concerned] What? You hate the witches.
Davina: Hayley was right. Marcel is just using me. Josh, I can't stay here. I'm not gonna be their puppet, you have to get me out of here! Josh: Okay. But where else are you gonna go?
Mikaelson Mansion
[Klaus is in the parlor, playing the piano all alonee. Rebekah walks into the room, but doesn't notice Klaus right away]
Rebekah: I stink of the bog!
Klaus: Serves you right, for your pathetic attempt to undermine my rule.
[Elijah joins them when he hears Klaus' voice]
Rebekah: Nik, listen.
Klaus: When I order wereolves to be hunted to extinction, I expect you to stand aside and let the blood flow. Elijah: How delightfully democratic of you.
[He throws a ring to Klaus, who looks at it] Do you recognize it? Perhaps you don't, it has been a thousand years since you last saw it grace the hand of our mother. The ring was in possession of one of the very wolves whose extinction you just ordered. So naturally, I questioned him. He spoke of a legend. A legend wherein long ago, a chief of theirs had fathered a child to a very powerful witch. Their mythology further states that this child, a son, was later transformed into something this clan had never before seen. Something werewolf and vampire.
Rebekah: Nik, we're trying to make amends. We found remnants of your family. The bloodline of your true father. And we saved them from being slaughtered at the hands of the vampires you command.
Elijah: Niklaus, your ambitions have come before this family for far too long. Niklaus, I beseech you please, come home.
Klaus: What home? This pathetic substitute? You see, despite all your doubts, all you attempts to thwart me, I've reclaimed our true home. I took back the entire city.
Elijah: You have the audacity to boast of your victory when the mother of your child remains your prisoner? Klaus: It all comes down to the pretty little wolf, doesn't it, brother? Rebekah: Stop it, both of you!
Klaus: [stands up behind the piano] Even if this is what you say it is, I have had enough of family to last me a lifetime. Why would I possibly want any more?
[Klaus leaves Rebekah and Elijah alone in the house. Elijah looks sad, defeated]
St. Anne's Catholic Church
[Father Kieran lights candles at the altar. Klaus interrupts him]
Klaus: Ah, good. You're awake. I have a favor to ask.
Father Kieran: I am saying prayers for the dead. I request a moratorium on favors for the king.
Klaus: Well, you'll like this one. It involves helping people who need protection.
Father Kieran: And whom, may I ask, do they need protection from?
Klaus: Me. You see, I recently ordered the slaughter of a group of vagabonds out in the bayou. Turns out, I may have been too hasty. Thing is, if the vampires find out I'm protecting them, it won't sit well.
Father Kieran: [sighs, and hestitates for a moment] I think I can arrange something, on one condition. - For her own good, I believe it is time for my niece to leave town.
[Klaus hurries out]
Cami's Apartment [Cami is listening to a phone recording from her earlier conversation with Klaus and Marcel. [Klaus:] 'Oh, it's quite all right. She knows' [Marcel:] 'She does?'
[Cami:] 'That you're vampires? Don't worry. He's compelled me to forget everything as soon as I leave.']
Klaus [interrupts]: You're tenacious. It's one of the things I like most about you.
Cami: [shouts] Klaus, you can't keep--
Klaus: [interrupts again] But you're looking for truths you don't want to find. Monsters are better left as fiction. It's time for you to leave this place, Cami. For your own good.
Cami: You are such a coward! This isn't about me. You have kept me here for weeks just so someone, anyone, would see who you really are, and now that I have, it scares the hell out of you, doesn't it?
Klaus: If you knew even a fraction of who I am, it would break you in two!
Cami: Then show me.
[Klaus prepares to go, but Cami grabs his arm and he lets her see into his mind]
KLAUS' MEMORY
[It's in the 10th century. Klaus attacks a human just after being turned into a vampire, feeds, and the person dies. Klaus starts to turn into a wolf after activating his werewolf curse, becoming the first true hybrid. He screams, his bones cracking. Mikael and Elijah come running]
Elijah: Niklaus! [Elijah wants to run to his brother, but he can't as he is held back by Mikael]
Mikael: He's a beast. [Mikael binds Klaus to a wooden cross]
Mikael: Elijah, hold him down! [Elijah hesitates to help]
Klaus: Brother, please! Don't let them do this to me!
Mikael: Do it now, boy! Now! Elijah finally obeys and ties the ropes holding Klaus captive] Klaus: Help me.
PRESENT DAY
Cami: [sobbing] Oh, my god. No one should have to experience things like that!
Klaus: Knowing what you do about this world will only get you killed, and I cannot allow that. [He compels her] Leave New Orleans. Forget everything you've learned here today. Forget me. You have no reason to stay.
Cami: I have no reason to stay.
[Klaus leaves and Cami is standing there with tears in her eyes, confused about what happened]
The Garden Cellar
Marcel [to Rebekah]: Look, things are good with your brother right now. He wants to run things with me - as partners. But if we keep meeting like this behind his back... You said it yourself, whatever it takes to stay alive.
Rebekah: Oh, this is about survival, is it? If you were this pathetic a liar with my brother, I'm surprised he hasn't killed you already.
Marcel: Come on, Rebekah...
Rebekah: The only reward anyone ever gets for loving Niklaus is suffering and death. You're choosing him over me, aren't you? Again.
Marcel: Rebekah, I got people to look out for [he sits down beside Rebekah] and Klaus is offering me a chance to do that. With Davina working her magic against the witches, and an Original by my side, that's not something I can just turn my back on. Not even for you.
Rebekah: When you were reliving history with my brother, did you happen to revisit what came next in 1919? Or have you forgotten our little secret? I know the words that will make him hate you forever. Remember that when you're embracing your new "family". French Quarter, At The Balcony
[Hayley is on her own. Elijah turns up]
Hayley: Are they..?
Elijah: They're safe. All of them. [he smiles at her]
[Hayley and Elijah hug]
Hayley: Thank you. What you did, Elijah, it means a lot.
[Elijah notices Hayley's bare shoulder and her crescent moon birthmark]
Elijah: You should keep this covered up.
Hayley: I will.
Elijah: If any of the others saw this...
Hayley: I promise.
Elijah: I should go.
[Hayley looks at Elijah's lips and clearly she wants to kiss him. He barely manages to keep himself composed and doesn't give in to it]
Hayley: Right.
[Elijah disappears]
French Quarter, In The Backyard
[Klaus is about to walk the stairs when he notices Elijah]
Klaus: Haven't you had your fill of telling me all the ways I've disappointed you, Elijah?
Elijah: Well, there is something important we neglected to discuss. I accused you of having ulterior motives regarding the child. I was wrong. I'm sorry.
Klaus: I imagine that must have been hard for you to say.
Elijah: You don't make it easy to love you, brother.
Klaus: And yet, you're obstinate in your desire to do so. When you're ready, should you be so inclined, both you and Rebekah are welcome to join me here. It is, after all, our family home.
[Klaus leaves Elijah downstairs]
Cami's Apartment
[Cami is preparing to leave. She stuffs her things into a bag. There's a knock on the door. Cami opens. It's Davina]
Davina: [upset] Cami, I need your help. Marcel has been lying to me, and I can't trust him anymore.
Cami: [surprised] I'm sorry. Do I know you?
[Davina lets herself in and closes the door behind Cami]
Davina: Oh, you've been compelled.
Cami: Ok, what are you doing?
Davina: It's ok. I can fix you. [she focuses] I'm really sorry, but this is gonna hurt.
[Davina holds out her hand towards Cami and magically begins to undo the compulsion. Cami screams in pain]
Wiki | Plan: A: Marcel; Q: Who is surprised when Klaus opens up to him about his past indiscretions? A: recent events; Q: What is Marcel deeply conflicted by? A: Cami; Q: Who is disturbed by Klaus' past? A: sense; Q: What does Cami try to make of the cryptic messages she's come across? A: Klaus' past; Q: What does Cami gain insight into? A: a violent confrontation; Q: What happens when the human faction takes matters into their own hands? A: Elijah and Rebekah; Q: Who does Hayley turn to for help when she learns of a plan to harm the werewolves? A: Eve; Q: Who is the werewolf that Elijah and Rebekah run into in the bayou? A: information; Q: What does Eve have that leads to a shocking discovery? Summary: Marcel, deeply conflicted by recent events, is surprised when Klaus opens up to him about some of his past indiscretions. Cami tries to make sense of cryptic messages she's come across and is disturbed when she gains some insight into Klaus' past. Meanwhile, in a surprising turn of events, the human faction takes matters into their own hands, resulting in a violent confrontation. Elsewhere, when Hayley learns of a plan to harm the werewolves in the bayou, she turns to Elijah and Rebekah for help. After heading to the bayou, they run into a werewolf named Eve, who has information that leads them to a shocking discovery. |
THE MIND OF EVIL
BY: DON HOUGHTON
5:15pm - 5:40pm
[SCENE_BREAK]
1: INT. STANGMOOR PRISON. MAIN GALLERY
(VOSPER staggers out of the theatre, crying out in pain and firing at the machine. Again, there is a flare of light and the machine claims another victim.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
2: INT. STANGMOOR PRISON. PROCESS THEATRE
(The DOCTOR and JO remain in their hiding place. Through the doors of the theatre, the machine dematerialises. The DOCTOR whispers to JO. She nods and the two cautiously get up and slowly start to make for the door. Hardly have they gone a few steps when the DOCTOR holds her back - the machine is materialising on its stand next to the process chair. Holding his head in pain, MAILER runs out from his hiding place, fires a shot and runs out of the theatre. Left behind, the DOCTOR and JO feel the mental assault from the machine beginning on them, however the attack ends as soon as it starts as once again the machine dematerialises from the room.)
JO: What happened! Why did it just...disappear?
DOCTOR: Well, we couldn't have tempted its appetite.
JO: Why not?
DOCTOR: Well, I imagine it detected a higher concentration of evil in Mailer. There's something to be said for a pure mind, after all, eh Jo?
JO: Look, I think we'd better get out of here before it gets back!
(She runs for the door.)
DOCTOR: Yes, all right, Jo! Jo! Wait a minute, wait!
(He more cautiously walks out of the room...)
[SCENE_BREAK]
3: INT. STANGMOOR PRISON. MAIN GALLERY
(...checking to make sure that they are alone but JO is the first to spot a familiar figure, still dressed in pyjamas and dressing gown and holding his head in pain.)
JO: Barnham! What are you doing here?
BARNHAM: Well, I was looking for you. I heard this noise and...
JO: It's all right. We're going to try and escape.
BARNHAM: I don't understand?
DOCTOR: Look, we've got to stop the Master from launching that missile. Now come on, Barnham, you come with us.
JO: Come on! Quickly! Come on!
(The three run off.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
4: EXT. STANGMOOR PRISON
(A UNIT helicopter flies over the prison. Next to the pilot, the BRIGADIER scans the ground carefully.)
BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: (Into radio.) Windmill 3-4-7 to Trap One.
[SCENE_BREAK]
5: INT. UNIT MOBILE HQ
(His call is received at UNIT's mobile HQ. A large van fitted out with communications equipment and a curtained-off side office. Within the HQ are MAJOR COSWORTH, a moustached soldier with glasses and a UNIT sergeant. The BRIGADIER'S voice comes over the radio set whilst the two men are looking over a telex message.)
BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: (OOV: Over radio.) How do you read me? Over.
MAJOR COSWORTH: (Pointing to the telex.) Acknowledge that will you, Sergeant?
(COSWORTH goes over to the radio and switches it on.)
MAJOR COSWORTH: (Into radio.) Trap One to Windmill 3-4-7. Major Cosworth reading you loud and clear. Any results? Over.
BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: (OOV: Over radio.) I'm over Stangmoor Prison now. No sign of the missile. Everything seems quiet and normal. Over.
MAJOR COSWORTH: (Into radio.) Are you going to land? Over.
BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: (OOV: Over radio.) No, I don't think so. I know I said it seems normal but I'm quite sure it's not. I'll continuing reece-ing for the moment. Over and out.
[SCENE_BREAK]
6: INT. STANGMOOR PRISON. SIDE ROOM
(The DOCTOR, with JO and BARNHAM, looks through a peephole in a door to the outside.)
DOCTOR: Well, there doesn't seem to be anybody about. Let's take a look outside. (To BARNHAM.) You wait here for a minute.
(BARNHAM nods and the two step outside.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
7: EXT. STANGMOOR PRISON. COURTYARD
(The hear the noise from the helicopter and look upwards.)
JO: Hey look! It's the UNIT helicopter!
(She starts waving.)
JO: Hey!
PRISONER: All right, you two - inside!
(They turn to see a prisoner pointing a gun at them. With a sigh, they step inside.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
8: INT. STANGMOOR PRISON. SIDE ROOM
PRISONER: Move!
(The "reformed" BARNHAM is childishly concerned at this show of violence and gently steps in, trying to take hold of the gun.)
BARNHAM: Don't hurt them...
PRISONER: Leave off, Barnham! (To the DOCTOR and JO.) I said move!
BARNHAM: I said don't hurt them!
(BARNHAM grabs hold of the gun and gently but firmly starts to push the prisoner back. There is a brief and loud tussle which BARNHAM wins but the DOCTOR has to pull him back with an akido move. He pulls him back towards the exit door.)
BARNHAM: But they were trying...!
(He is interrupted as two more armed prisoners run into the prison.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
9: INT. STANGMOOR PRISON. GOVERNOR'S OFFICE
(An angry MAILER is on the telephone...)
MAILER: (Into phone.) What the hell do you mean "we loused things up"? You got your missile, didn't you?
[SCENE_BREAK]
10: INT. HANGER OFFICE
(...to his "employer" who is in a small run-down office at the aircraft hanger.)
MASTER: (Into phone.) You left one of the UNIT people alive and he followed you here.
(He looks over to where an unconscious CAPTAIN YATES is tied to a chair.)
MASTER: (Into phone.) Fortunately he was caught.
MAILER: (OOV: Over phone.) Look, I don't care about him. I want you back here right away!
MASTER: (Into phone.) That's quite impossible. I'm far too busy preparing the missile for launching.
[SCENE_BREAK]
11: INT. STANGMOOR PRISON. GOVERNOR'S OFFICE
MAILER: (Into phone, his voice growing more impatient.) Look mate, I don't care how busy you are - I want you back. That machine of yours has broken out. It's wandering around the prison. It's killed Lenny Vosper, it's nearly killed me!
[SCENE_BREAK]
12: INT. HANGER OFFICE
MASTER: (Into phone.) That's impossible, I can't leave here now!
[SCENE_BREAK]
13: INT. STANGMOOR PRISON. GOVERNOR'S OFFICE
MAILER: (Into phone.) Now listen...my mob's not staying on here while that thing's on the loose. They'll start running and I'll be running with them.
[SCENE_BREAK]
14: INT. HANGER OFFICE
MASTER: (Into phone.) But you can't! You'll be caught!
MAILER: (OOV: Over phone.) Maybe...but just remember...
[SCENE_BREAK]
15: INT. STANGMOOR PRISON. GOVERNOR'S OFFICE
MAILER: (Into phone, threatening.) If I get caught - so do you. They'll want to know where that missile is and I might just tell them. Now think about it!
[SCENE_BREAK]
16: INT. HANGER OFFICE
MASTER: (Into phone.) I see...all right, Mailer. I'll come back.
MAILER: (OOV: Over phone.) That's more like it.
(The MASTER slams the phone down and looks over to where CAPTAIN YATES still sits apparently comatose. He walks up behind him and spins the chair round.)
MASTER: All right, Captain, you can stop pretending to be unconscious now.
(YATES opens his eyes.)
CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: Why? Why...
MASTER: (Interrupting.) Why did I take the missile? I intend to use it.
CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: You'll never be able to. It's too complex.
MASTER: Nonsense!
(He spins the chair round so that YATES can see a bank of controls that has been installed in the hanger office.)
MASTER: This is childishly simple. Anyhow, I have all the technical assistance I need.
CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: Yes, I was going to ask you: about those soldiers?
MASTER: Hired mercenaries in fake uniforms. Everything's a question of money nowadays, my dear Captain. Will you excuse me?
(He smiles and makes for the door but turns round before he leaves.)
MASTER: Oh, by the way, you're probably wondering why you're still alive?
CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: It did cross my mind.
MASTER: Well, in the event - in the highly unlikely event of UNIT finding us before the missile's ready - you'd make a very useful hostage, remember that.
(The MASTER leaves and YATES immediately starts working at his bonds.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
17: INT. STANGMOOR PRISON. GOVERNOR'S OFFICE
(The DOCTOR and JO are led into the Governor's office by FULLER and two other prisoners.)
FULLER: Right, come on...
(MAILER is still sat at the desk.)
MAILER: Where did you find 'em?
FULLER: Outside "B" wing. Waving to a helicopter.
MAILER: They what? Did it see them?
FULLER: No. I don't think so. Anyway, it's cleared orf now.
(MAILER catches sight of BARNHAM.)
MAILER: Get that zombie out of here! Get rid of him!
(FULLER shows BARNHAM the door. MAILER turns his attention to the DOCTOR.)
MAILER: I don't know what we're going to do about you...
DOCTOR: Look, Mailer, what...
(As he steps towards him, MAILER raises an automatic.)
MAILER: Back off!
(The DOCTOR stands still.)
DOCTOR: Mailer, why are you helping the Master?
MAILER: (Puzzled.) Helping who?
DOCTOR: The Ma...er, er, "Keller" or whatever he calls himself.
MAILER: Simple - I'm helping him because he's helping me.
DOCTOR: Oh, what's he promised you?
MAILER: Money...pardon...ticket to anywhere I like.
DOCTOR: You really think he's going to keep those promises?
MAILER: Why not?
JO: He doesn't care whether you live or die - he's just using you!
MAILER: So he's using me - I'm using him. You make me a better offer?
DOCTOR: (Thinks.) Oh, let us go and I'll do the best I can for you.
(MAILER turns away momentarily, trying not to laugh.)
MAILER: Well, if that's the best you can do, Doc, it really ain't good enough. Now, wheel 'em out.
FULLER: Right, come on.
(They are led out.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
18: INT. UNIT MOBILE HQ
BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: I know exactly where that missile is - here.
(He points with his swagger stick to a point on a map laid out across a table in the main room of the mobile HQ. MAJOR COSWORTH looks at the map.)
MAJOR COSWORTH: Stangmoor Prison, sir?
BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: It all adds up. Benton saw a Black Mariah when the missile was ambushed and I saw the Doctor and Miss Grant. I'm convinced the Master has taken over the prison to use as a hideout for that missile.
(The BRIGADIER goes into his curtained-off office.)
MAJOR COSWORTH: And I assume we'll be taking the place, sir? I'll draw up an assault plan.
(He picks up another map.)
BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: (OOV: Within the inner office.) Major Cosworth?
(COSWORTH goes through.)
MAJOR COSWORTH: Sir?
BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Have you seen Stangmoor Prison?
MAJOR COSWORTH: No, sir.
BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Well, I've just been looking at it. It's an old fortress - you'd need an army to get in there.
MAJOR COSWORTH: A fortress?
BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: That's right.
MAJOR COSWORTH: I suppose there couldn't possible be a secret underground passage or something?
BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: (Smiles.) Good, Major, good! Is that a map of the prison?
MAJOR COSWORTH: Yes sir.
(They open the map on the BRIGADIER'S desk and look over it.)
BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Yes, you're right. It hasn't been blocked off either. It probably leads to the old dungeons.
MAJOR COSWORTH: Huh, it's rather like making a film, isn't it, sir?
(The BRIGADIER looks sharply at him but before he can say anything, a radio message comes through in the other room.)
UNIT SOLDIER: (OOV: Over radio.) Greyhound seven to trap one. Greyhound seven to trap one.
MAJOR COSWORTH: Excuse me, sir.
(He goes into the other room and speaks to the soldier there.)
MAJOR COSWORTH: All right, I'll take it.
(He picks up the microphone as the BRIGADIER joins him.)
MAJOR COSWORTH: (Into radio.) Go ahead, greyhound seven.
UNIT SOLDIER: (OOV: Over radio.) A black saloon car has just entered the prison gates, over.
MAJOR COSWORTH: (Into radio.) Thank you, greyhound seven. Maintain surveillance, over and out.
BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: It must be the Master. They wouldn't let anyone else inside. Right, that settles it! We're going to take that prison.
MAJOR COSWORTH: By using the underground passage.
BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Yes...and also by using the Trojan Horse!
[SCENE_BREAK]
19: INT. STANGMOOR PRISON. CELL
(The DOCTOR and JO are back in the cell, playing draughts. The hear voices outside the cell and JO looks up but the DOCTOR points her attention back down to the board.)
MASTER: (OOV: Outside cell.) I must say, you're taking your time about this.
MAILER: (OOV: Outside cell.) Yes, well...
[SCENE_BREAK]
20: INT. STANGMOOR PRISON. STAIRCASE OUTSIDE CELL
MAILER: (To FULLER.) Any trouble?
FULLER: Not a squeak out of them.
MASTER: All right. Open up, Fuller.
(FULLER does so and the MASTER and MAILER enter the cell.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
21: INT. STANGMOOR PRISON. CELL
(The DOCTOR and JO continue to look down at the board as their "visitors" walk in.)
MASTER: Doctor, I...?
(The DOCTOR holds up a hand.)
DOCTOR: Ssh, ssh, ssh, ssh!
(He moves one of his black pieces over one of JO'S red pieces and takes it.)
DOCTOR: There!
MASTER: Doctor, I...
(Now it is JO'S turn to waves for silence.)
JO: Shh!
(The MASTER'S eyebrows rise in surprise at this second "command". JO moves one of her pieces over the remaining six pieces of the DOCTOR'S, taking them all. The DOCTOR sighs.)
JO: There!
DOCTOR: Yes, well the trouble with this game is that it's too simple. In any case, I'm...I'm more used to playing three dimensional chess.
(He gets up and goes over to the bed and lies down. The MASTER does his best to hide his impatience.)
MASTER: All right, I've allowed you your little gesture. Now perhaps we can talk seriously?
DOCTOR: I suppose you're going to ask me to control that machine of yours again?
MASTER: I am.
DOCTOR: Yes, well, I can't. I've told you before - nobody can.
MASTER: You underestimate yourself, Doctor. You are perfectly capable of controlling it - for a time, at least.
DOCTOR: Well, even if I could - why should I help you?
MASTER: To save lives. Several people have died already.
DOCTOR: Yeah, most of them hard cases that were helping you.
MASTER: Very well then...to save one life.
(The DOCTOR looks at him in slightly amused condescension.)
DOCTOR: My own?
(The MASTER turns and looks pointedly at JO. She understands his meaning and jumps to her feet.)
JO: Don't listen to him, Doctor. He's just bluffing.
MASTER: Am I? Unless the Doctor does what I ask, Miss Grant, Mailer will shoot you - here and now.
(MAILER cocks his automatic pistol and aims it at her. The DOCTOR stands up, ready to take action, but realises that he has no choice. He thinks...)
DOCTOR: Well, it's only a theory, but I think there may be one way to inhibit that machine's power of movement.
MASTER: Well, now is your chance to put that theory to the test.
DOCTOR: Well where's the thing now? Still wandering about?
MAILER: Gone back to the process chamber.
MASTER: Mmm, temporarily glutted, no doubt.
DOCTOR: Well, I shall need a lot of equipment, you know?
MASTER: Oh, Stangmoor Prison's a very progressive place. The entire contents of the workshop's at your disposal.
DOCTOR: All right, I'll give it a try.
MASTER: Good.
(He goes to the door and knocks on it. The hatch opens.)
MASTER: All right, Fuller. Let us out, will you?
(The door opens and the DOCTOR and JO make for it but the MASTER holds JO back.)
MASTER: No, Miss Grant. You will stay here - as a guarantee of the Doctor's good behaviour.
(He pushes JO towards the bed.)
MASTER: After you, Doctor.
(They leave the cell, the DOCTOR casting one look back at JO.)
MASTER: Satisfied, Mailer?
(MAILER is the last out. He blows JO a kiss as he leaves.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
22: INT. UNIT MOBILE HQ
(The BRIGADIER addresses two UNIT soldiers as COSWORTH stands behind him, ready to give his "valuable" input.)
BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Now we shall, as you realise, be very considerably outnumbered. However, not all of our opponents will be armed and none of them will be trained soldiers.
MAJOR COSWORTH: And, of course, we shall have surprise on our side.
(The BRIGADIER gives him a sideways look but COSWORTH is oblivious.)
BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Exactly...any questions?
MAJOR COSWORTH: No sir.
BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Right. Carry on.
(The BRIGADIER and COSWORTH go into the inner office.)
MAJOR COSWORTH: An excellent plan, if I may say so, sir. A very good chance of success.
BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: (With some sarcasm.) Thank you, Major Cosworth. I'm very relieved to hear that!
(There is a knock against the doorframe.)
BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Yes?
(A fully uniformed SERGEANT BENTON enters the room and salutes.)
SERGEANT BENTON: Excuse me, sir.
BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Benton? What the devil are you doing here? You're supposed to be in hospital.
SERGEANT BENTON: Well, yes sir, I...discharged myself. I'm all right now. I've just got a bit of a sore head.
MAJOR COSWORTH: Erm, I'll just get on, sir.
(COSWORTH leaves the room.)
BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: At ease, sergeant. Well, what do you want?
SERGEANT BENTON: I'd like to come on the assault, sir.
BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Benton, you're supposed to be suffering from severe concussion.
SERGEANT BENTON: I know, sir, but it's only a scratch, honest. And you said yourself, I've got a thick skull!
(The BRIGADIER smiles.)
SERGEANT BENTON: Anyway, I'd like a chance to get at the blokes who did it.
BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: All right. If you feel fit, you can take charge of the underground assault party. Major Cosworth will put you in the picture.
SERGEANT BENTON: Thank you, sir.
(The BRIGADIER returns to his papers but BENTON doesn't move.)
SERGEANT BENTON: Sir, I...?
BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Yes?
SERGEANT BENTON: Well, I wondered if you'd had any news about Captain Yates, sir.
BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: I'm sorry, Benton, there's nothing. Nothing at all.
[SCENE_BREAK]
23: INT. HANGER OFFICE
(CAPTAIN YATES succeeds in breaking his bonds. He rubs his sore wrists as he stands but, hearing footsteps outside, instantly retakes his seat, putting his arms behind him in an imitation of still being bound. He also lets his head fall forward. Within seconds, the door opens and a prisoner carrying a pistol enters. He goes up to YATES and bends down to examine him. YATES slams his foot down on the prisoners foot. He yells in pain and drops the pistol. YATES grabs him by the neck and throws him over to the floor. YATES makes sure he is unconscious and, grabbing the pistol, runs for the door. He looks both ways to make sure the way is clear and then runs off.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
24: INT. STANGMOOR PRISON. PROCESS THEATRE
(The Keller machine sits quietly in its usual place in the process theatre.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
25: INT. STANGMOOR PRISON. SIDE ROOM
(The DOCTOR, dressed in a white lab coat, fixes together a large coil of cable, some two feet in diameter. An impatient MASTER harangues him.)
MASTER: Look, Doctor, you must hurry! If that thing in there starts moving again...
DOCTOR: (Interrupts.) I'm well aware of the urgency of the situation, thank you.
(The MASTER sighs and goes to the door leading onto the main gallery. The DOCTOR picks up his handiwork.)
DOCTOR: Right.
(He turns to the door where the MASTER is still stood, his back to him.)
DOCTOR: Excuse me, will you?
MASTER: Oh.
(The MASTER moves out of the way. The coil is the end of a long piece of cable which trails across the floor. The DOCTOR turns and points to the floor.)
DOCTOR: Oh, would you mind bringing that plug with you, please?
MASTER: Oh, right.
(The MASTER bends down to pick up the object as per the polite request.)
DOCTOR: And the coil.
MASTER: Yep.
DOCTOR: Thank you
(The objects collected, they leave the room.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
26: INT. STANGMOOR PRISON. MAIN GALLERY
(They cross the gallery.)
MASTER: Look, tell me, what precisely do you intend to do?
DOCTOR: I'm going to try throwing this coil over that machine in there - if I can get close enough to it without being killed.
MASTER: Oh, I see. Well, what can I do to help.
DOCTOR: Well, I want you to operate these controls here and switch on to full power when I call out.
(The DOCTOR indicates a free-standing junction box device on table. The MASTER looks over it.)
MASTER: This is very ingenious.
DOCTOR: If all goes well, it...should set up an electric current in the coil alternating on much the same frequency as the Beta rhythms of the human brain.
(The MASTER plus the end of the cable into the box.)
MASTER: And you think that'll deal with it?
DOCTOR: I don't know. I think it'll confuse the creature enough to, er, take away its power of movement anyway.
MASTER: Well, I hope you are right.
DOCTOR: So do I.
(The DOCTOR reaches for some heat-resistant gloves and starts putting them on.)
DOCTOR: Now switch it on now, will you? Bottom one.
MASTER: Right. Well...?
(The MASTER passes him a plastic face shield.)
MASTER: Good luck to you, Doctor.
DOCTOR: Thank you.
(The DOCTOR dons the shield and picks up the coil of cable.)
DOCTOR: Right, you know what to do?
MASTER: Yes.
(The DOCTOR carries the coil over to the doors of the process theatre. He looks at the MASTER to make sure he is ready and kicks the door of the process theatre open. As the MASTER turns his attention to the junction box, the DOCTOR enters the room.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
27: INT. STANGMOOR PRISON. PROCESS THEATRE
(He has barely gone a few yards when the machine springs into life. Small explosions burst from the coil as the DOCTOR approaches his target. He feels the mental assault starting and sees images of past enemies as he again hears the Dalek battle cry. An Ice Warrior, Slaar, A Zarbi appear before him.)
DALEK: Exterminate! Annihilate! Destroy!
(His face creases in pain as he sees he sees a Silurian and a Cyberman.)
DALEK: Exterminate! Annihilate!
(He forces the coil nearer the machine as Koquillion and a War Machine appear, followed by an Ice Warrior, a Dalek, a Zarbi, a Silurian, Slaar and a War Machine.)
DALEK: Destroy! Exterminate!
(He manages to slam the coil into place as a Cyberman and an Ice Warrior make another appearance. He cries out, almost in pain...)
DOCTOR: Now!
DALEK: Annihilate!
DOCTOR: Now!
DALEK: Destroy!
[SCENE_BREAK]
28: INT. STANGMOOR PRISON. MAIN GALLERY
(Outside, the MASTER strains as he forces a switch on the junction box. With an effort he manages to move it across the groove on the front of the machine.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
29: INT. STANGMOOR PRISON. PROCESS THEATRE
(The energy in the coil starts to slowly overcome the machine. The DOCTOR however still seems to be held in its grip.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
30: INT. STANGMOOR PRISON. MAIN GALLERY
(The MASTER pushes the switch to its fullest extent...)
[SCENE_BREAK]
31: INT. STANGMOOR PRISON. PROCESS THEATRE
(...and the machine finally returns to its dormant state. The DOCTOR, somewhat exhausted, throws off his face shield and gloves and makes for the door.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
32: INT. STANGMOOR PRISON. MAIN GALLERY
(The MASTER too sighs at the effort but recovers his presence of mind to stand beneath the upstairs gallery and shout...)
MASTER: Mailer! Mailer!
(The DOCTOR, divested of his lab coat, comes out of the process theatre. He leans against the staircase rail.)
MASTER: Well, Doctor. Congratulations.
(The DOCTOR doesn't notice a figure coming down the stairs behind him.)
DOCTOR: It won't hold it for long, you know. That thing's intelligent. Soon it'll work out what happened and find a way to deal with it.
MASTER: Then you'll have to work out something better, won't you? Now, take the Doctor back to his cell, Mailer.
(The DOCTOR looks round in surprise but quickly feels the end of an automatic placed against his neck.)
MAILER: Let's go.
[SCENE_BREAK]
33: INT. STANGMOOR PRISON. STAIRCASE OUTSIDE CELL
(FULLER and another prisoner get up as they hear MAILER and his captor returning down the staircase. One of the prisoners points to the door that FULLER is opening. The DOCTOR is about to walk through, but remembering his earlier treatment, turns as MAILER again raises his gun to club him down. The DOCTOR gently shakes his head in warning and enters the cell.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
34: INT. STANGMOOR PRISON. CELL
(JO is waiting. The DOCTOR sits on the bed as FULLER shuts the door.)
JO: You all right, Doctor?
DOCTOR: Yes, thank you, Jo, fine, fine.
JO: Did you fix the machine?
DOCTOR: Yes, temporarily.
JO: You look tired.
DOCTOR: I am...physically and mentally.
(He lies down on the bed. JO strokes his hair.)
JO: Hey, how about some food? Do you think they'll let us have any?
DOCTOR: I doubt it. Not after what happened last time.
JO: I've had nothing to eat all day. I'm starving.
DOCTOR: Well, we shouldn't have thrown our breakfast at them, should we?
(JO stands up at this reminder.)
JO: Breakfast! Hey, wait a minute.
(She finds some discarded food on the floor.)
JO: I knew they wouldn't bother to clear up.
(She brings a piece over to the DOCTOR.)
JO: Here you are.
DOCTOR: Oh...no thanks, Jo, you have it. I...I'll do without food for a while.
JO: No, we'll share it...and there's some water in the jug over here.
DOCTOR: Oh, all right.
(The DOCTOR takes the morsel of food as JO pours out two mugs of water. She hands one to the DOCTOR. He laughs gently.)
DOCTOR: Cheers.
JO: Cheers.
DOCTOR: Hmm!
(They drink and nibble at the food.)
DOCTOR: Did I ever tell you about the time I was in the Tower of London?
JO: No?
DOCTOR: No?
JO: No.
DOCTOR: Well, I shared a cell with a very strange chap called Raleigh.
JO: Raleigh?
DOCTOR: Yeah...Sir Walter Raleigh.
JO: Oh!
DOCTOR: Mm, he got into some trouble with Queen Elizabeth - Elizabeth the first, that is. He kept going on about this new vegetable of his he'd discovered, you see, called the potato. One day, he sat down, pointed a finger at me...
[SCENE_BREAK]
35: EXT. STANGMOOR PRISON
(A transit van approaches the main gate of the prison. The door opens and a delivery man dressed in brown overalls and a cloth cap gets out - it is a disguised BRIGADIER. He goes up to the gate and presses the bell. As he waits, nonchalantly whistling, the back door of the van opens and armed UNIT troops start to climb out. The BRIGADIER watches them out of the corner of his eye and presses the bell again. After a moment, a PRISONER - dressed as a warder - steps out of the gate house.)
BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Morning mate! Provisions.
MAIN GATE PRISONER: What?
BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Provisions. Nosh, food.
MAIN GATE PRISONER: Back gate.
(One of the UNIT troops, hidden at the back of the van, is about to step forward but another signals for him to wait.)
MAIN GATE PRISONER: You leave it at the inner gate. You can't come in 'ere.
BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Oh, it won't go in there, mate, me van's too big.
MAIN GATE PRISONER: You'll have to clear off then.
(The PRISONER is about to walk away.)
BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: 'Ere wait a minute - I 've got a weeks supply of food in there - and booze for the Governor. Am I supposed to go back and tell them you don't want it? They'll think you're barmy.
(The PRISONER considers.)
MAIN GATE PRISONER: Hang about.
(He speaks into his walkie-talkie.)
MAIN GATE PRISONER: (Into radio.) Main gate 'ere. I've got a big provisions lorry. Do I let it in?
PRISONER: (OOV: Over radio.) Yeah, okay. But I want him out of here fast.
(The MAIN GATE PRISONER turns to the BRIGADIER.)
MAIN GATE PRISONER: Drive up the main courtyard - unload there. We'll give you a hand. The, er, "chief" wants you out of here quick as possible.
(He walks away.)
BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Don't worry. The less time I spend in there, the better.
(The BRIGADIER rubs his hand and walks back to the van.)
MAIN GATE PRISONER: Okay, open up.
(The BRIGADIER looks at the back of the van and climbs into the drivers seat. The van starts up and moves forward, the troops behind it crouched down and keeping pace. As it passes the MAIN GATE PRISONER and one of his compatriots, they are clubbed to the ground. Once inside the inner courtyard, the van speeds up and then comes to a halt. The BRIGADIER gets out, as do more troops from the back.)
BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Come on - out!
(Divested of more of his assault force who runs into position, he gets back into the van and drives on. Elsewhere in the prison wards, SERGEANT BENTON'S troop, having successfully gained entry by the secret passage, climb a steep series of steps to a gate tower. Unspotted, they go through the gate and through a doorway. Meanwhile, the BRIGADIER'S van stops in the inner part of the prison. He is met by two prisoners - one of them in a warder's uniform. The BRIGADIER gets out.)
BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: The back's open.
(The two prisoners walk round to the back of the van. The remaining troops in the van immediately rush out firing. At the front, the BRIGADIER gets out a megaphone and starts to speak...)
BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: This is Brigadier Lethbridge Stewart of UNIT. This prison is now in military hands. Th...
(The megaphone is shot out of his hands by a prisoner on the roof-top but he is no match for the professional soldier who whips out a hand-arm and shoots the convict down.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
36: INT. STANGMOOR PRISON. CELL
(The noise of the assault reaches the DOCTOR and JO who listen at the cell door.)
JO: It seems to be right inside the prison.
DOCTOR: Yes, I only hope they gain complete control before Mailer starts killing the hostages.
JO: So do I!
DOCTOR: Mmm?
(He gets the real meaning of what he has said.)
DOCTOR: Oh, yes!
[SCENE_BREAK]
37: EXT. STANGMOOR PRISON
(Back outside, the BRIGADIER and his troops dodge round parked vehicles - including BESSIE - shooting down rooftop snipers as they go. The BRIGADIER spots another...)
BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: There!
(...who is dealt with by a UNIT soldier as the BRIGADIER fires in another direction. Using the cars as cover the UNIT troops join in an exchange of fire with the prisoners. One of the UNIT troops on the battlements is hit and falls to the ground. Elsewhere, BENTON and his troops make their stealthy way to the heart of the prison hearing the gun battle taking place. He waves them on. There are casualties on both sides as the firing continues. As one set of troops throw grappling hooks over a wall, another prisoner in a gateway fails to see a UNIT soldier behind him. As he turns, he is shot and falls with a cry. The UNIT troops with the grappling hooks scale the walls. Despite the professionalism of the soldiers, the battle is by no means one-sided and men on either side are shot down. Eventually, the BRIGADIER is the only one of his section left sheltering behind the parked vehicles and he shoots down his only extant opponent. He runs to the gateway which leads to the outer ward.)
BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Come on!
(A UNIT jeep drives through.)
BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: I'm going to find the Doctor!
(He runs off as the jeep halts and more troops climb out.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
38: INT. STANGMOOR PRISON. CELL
(The DOCTOR and JO jump back as the cell door is opened. An armed MAILER enters.)
DOCTOR: Ah, come to give yourself up?
MAILER: Now shut up and listen - you want to stay alive? You'll do exactly as I say.
DOCTOR: Well?
MAILER: You're going to help me get out of here. Walk out of here and tell those friends of yours that either I get out or I'm going to chop you down. All right?
JO: They won't listen.
MAILER: Too bad for you if they don't, now come on, move!
(They walk out.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
39: INT. STANGMOOR PRISON. STAIRCASE OUTSIDE CELL
MAILER: And remember - no heroics. I can get out with either one of you - up!
(He waves them up the stairs and they start to climb, the DOCTOR in front, JO next and MAILER behind.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
40: INT. STANGMOOR PRISON. MAIN GALLERY
(They come out onto the upper gallery and start to descend to the ground floor. Suddenly JO throws herself backwards, pushing MAILER off his feet.)
JO: Now Doctor!
(But MAILER is too quick and grabs JO round the neck aiming his gun at the DOCTOR.)
MAILER: That's you ... I warned you! I only need one of you!
(MAILER cocks the trigger, aims...and a shot rings out.) | Plan: A: The Doctor; Q: Who is forced to help the Master control the mind parasite? A: Yates; Q: Who finds out where the Thunderbolt has been taken? A: the Master's men; Q: Who captures Yates? Summary: The Doctor is forced to help the Master control the mind parasite while Yates finds out where the Thunderbolt has been taken only to be captured by the Master's men. |
[Scene: Halliwell manor. Prue and Phoebe are looking through photo albums.]
Phoebe: There aren't any pictures of me growing up.
Prue: That seems impossible. I mean you weren't exactly camera shy.
Phoebe: Yeah, well neither were you and Piper, or you and Grams, or you and Dad. Oh look, there's another one of you and Piper.
Prue: Okay, there's a picture of you and Grams.
Phoebe: Oh, wasn't I cute.
Prue: Here's one of you and Mum.
Phoebe: Wow, I don't even remember that. What was I, about two? (Prue nods) She died on us a year later.
Prue: Phoebe.
(Piper enters the room.)
Piper: Okay, alright, I need a pen and paper. (She tries to open a drawer but it's stuck.) Quick, we don't have a lot of time. (Phoebe hits it twice and kicks it and the drawer opens.) I always wondered how you got into my candy drawer.
Phoebe: Yeah, too bad all the candy's gone.
Piper: I thought it would be easy for us to just write him a note.
Prue: Who him?
Piper: You know, what's his name. (The doorbell rings) Grandma's little friend comes every year, same day, same time. Says you know, the flowers are from a secret admirer when it's obvious he's the admirer. (She opens the door) Hi, come on in. (The clock chimes in the background) How are you?
Man: Flowers for Miss Penny Halliwell. (He goes to hand them to Piper but he drops them and Piper freezes him and the flowers.) Every year. What a klutz. At least this year I can freeze him so I can spare myself the clean up.
Phoebe: Why did you want to write him a note?
Piper: To tell him Grams is dead.
Prue: Oh, you're gonna break his heart.
(Piper gets the vase of flowers that's frozen in the air. The man unfreezes.)
Man: Five chimes.
Piper: Excuse me?
Man: I only heard five chimes. It's noon. That means you froze me. Which means you have your powers at last.
Piper: Uh, I don't know what you're talking about Mister but thanks for the flowers, okay, bye.
Nicholas: Call me Nicholas. Your mother did. (He puts on a ring and he becomes younger.) I had to appear to age over the years otherwise you would of become suspicious.
Prue: What?
Nicholas: You see, twenty-four years ago today, your mother and I made a pact to spare her life, she gave up your future powers to me. She blessed this ring. Which gave me immunity from your powers. (Piper tries to freeze him.) Immunities so that I could kill you and take the powers on for my own. To become invincible.
Prue: Our mother would never give away our powers.
Nicholas: She didn't have much of a choice. Your blood is boiling. Soon your lungs will sear. (He points the ring at them and they double over in agony.) Your organs will over heat and death will come.
(Phoebe kicks him in the leg and he falls over. They run upstairs to the Book of Shadows.)
Prue: Why would mum make a deal like that?
Piper: More importantly, what are we gonna do?
Phoebe: Wait, I think I found a spell. To unbind a bond.
Nicholas: (from downstairs) You can't run from me.
Prue: Okay, we have no choice.
Piper: Okay, Phoebe, hurry.
Phoebe: Okay. "The bond which was not to be done, Give us the power to see it undone, And turn back time to whence it was begun." (Twinkling lights encircled them, they disappear for a few seconds and reappear in the same spot.) Did it work?
Prue: Nothing happened.
(A phone rings from downstairs. Phoebe opens the attic door.)
Phoebe: Who's phone is that?
Piper: Not ours.
Someone downstairs: Halliwell residence.
Piper: You go.
Phoebe: Nah-uh, you go.
Piper: Nah-uh, she goes. (They push Prue out the door.)
[Cut to the stairs. Prue sees her grandma talking on the phone.)
Grams: I beg your pardon. Well, Donna, I'm hurt just hurt that you would suspect my little angels of such a thing.
Prue: (to herself) Grams?
(Little Prue and Piper run past Grams.)
Grams: Prue. Uh, just a moment Donna. Prue, Piper, girls, don't run in the house. Yes, yes.
(Prue goes back in the attic.)
Piper: What did you see?
Phoebe: The warlock?
Prue: No. Us.
Opening Credits
[Scene: They are still in the attic. Phoebe is looking through the Book of Shadows.]
Piper: How do we know we're back in time? What if we just brought the past to us accidentally. We've done it before.
Prue: Piper, look around. What do you see?
Piper: A messy attic like always.
Prue: No. Not just like always. We have a black light, a type writer, eight track tapes and a pet rock. I mean we got rid of this stuff years ago, remember?
Piper: And you saw us? As kids?
Prue: Yeah.
Piper: This can't be happening. I'm getting a migraine.
Phoebe: Better not, I don't think Advil's been invented yet. And apparently neither has the spell. It's not in here anywhere.
Piper: But we just cast it, that's how we got back ... here.
Phoebe: Yeah, well, wherever here is , it's before the spell was written.
Prue: So, there's nothing in here about how to get back to our own time?
Phoebe: Nothing. Uh, let me be the first to say we're screwed.
Prue: No, okay, at least we're alive, I mean if we stayed in our own time Nick would of killed us. We barely got away as it was ... is... will be... you know I've never been good at tenses.
Piper: Well, Grams is right downstairs, maybe we should just tell her who we are.
Phoebe: And say what? Hi, we're the ghosts of grandchildren future. Come on, even Grams is going to have a little trouble with that.
Piper: Plus, she has that heart condition.
Prue: Okay, fine, so we need another plan, but first we need to get out of the house.
[Cut to Prue, Piper and Phoebe sneaking downstairs. Grams is talking on the phone.]
Grams: You're talking to fast, Patty, sweetheart, slow down.
Piper: Patty?
Prue: Mum.
Grams: What premonition? That's impossible, you don't have premonitions.
Phoebe: But I thought you said mum's power was to freeze time.
Prue: It is... was... you know what I mean.
Grams: Maybe you should go see a doctor.
(Piper picks up the other phone.)
Patty: I don't need to go to the doctor, mum.
Prue: Piper!
Patty: I need you to listen to what I'm saying.
(Phoebe and Prue listen in on the conversation too.)
Piper: She's talking to mum.
Patty: I can't explain it either mum. It just happened. I felt a twinge in my stomach and then bam! I saw it.
Grams: Saw what?
Patty: Three women. Warlocks. And one of them was taking Prue.
Phoebe: Do you really think that's mum's voice?
Piper: Yes.
Grams: Are you still nauseous? Why don't, why don't you come home from Buddies.
Patty: I can't. And it was not a daydream.
Piper: Three warlocks? She can't be talking about us can she?
(Grams hangs up the phone.)
Prue: Okay, let's get out of here.
(They walk down the stairs.)
Grams: (from another room) Prudence! Piper!
(They see two kids run through a room. Little Prue moves a couch across the doorway.)
Little Piper: No fair, using magic.
Piper: Whoa!
Prue: Wait, we had powers back then?
Phoebe: Oh, this is freaky.
(They walk into the room where little Prue and Piper are standing.)
Prue: Hey
Little Prue: Hi. (She points to Prue's freckle that's on her face.)
Prue: You got one too. Come here. (Prue gives her a big hug. Grams walks in the room.)
Grams: How many times have I told you girls... (She sees Prue, Piper and Phoebe.)
Prue: Um, Grams, we can explain.
Grams: Warlocks be gone! (Prue, Piper and Phoebe fly out of the house.)
[Cut to outside. They run down their street.]
Prue: Grams definitely had her power down.
Piper: She is one scary witch. I don't remember having powers at that age do you?
Prue: No, I thought we got them for the first time last year.
Piper: Apparently not. We must of lost them before we could remember having them.
Prue: Yeah, how weird was that seeing us as kids, how bizarre. (Phoebe picks up a newspaper.)
Phoebe: Mum was barely pregnant with me. Here, March 24, 1975. That's the day that mum made the pact with Nicholas.
Prue: So maybe that's why the spell sent us back here, to stop the pact.
Piper: Which means it could be the only way for us to get back to our own time. We've got to go see mum and warn her about Nicholas.
Prue: Yeah, but we have to do a better job of convincing mum then we did Grams. This time we have to use our powers.
Piper: The problem is she's on the lookout for three warlocks now.
Prue: Well, then maybe only two of us should approach her just in case.
Phoebe: Well, since I don't have any powers to show mum I think it should be you two. I'll just stand outside and watch for Nicholas.
Piper: That doesn't seem fair to you Phoebe, not being able to see mum.
Phoebe: I know, it's not, but I got over that a long time ago. I don't need to see her now. Really, it's okay. We better get going before we miss her.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Scene: Buddies. Prue and Piper enter.]
Prue: Whoa, scary. Buddies has not changed a bit. Wouldn't... didn't...?
Piper: Give it up, I know what you mean. I don't see mum anywhere do you?
Prue: No.
Piper: Prue. (They see Patty walking out of the kitchen.)
Prue: Mum.
Piper: She's so beautiful.
Prue: Yeah, she is.
Piper: I don't remember her working here.
Prue: Yeah, with dad gone she had to pay the bills somehow. I remember she used to come home late at night and she'd kiss me and she always smelt like burgers.
Piper: You're lucky, you have a lot more memories than I do.
Prue: At least you have some. Poor Phoebe, she doesn't have any. Here she comes.
Piper: What do we do if she recognizes us?
Prue: Um, you freeze the place and when she sees that we don't freeze either than she'll believe us when we tell her who we are.
Piper: Okay, how do I look?
Prue: Great.
Patty: Ready to order? (They just stare at her.) Take your time, I'll come back.
Piper: No, wait. We're ready aren't we Prue.
Prue: Ah, Prunes. Um, Prunes. She wants to know if you have any prunes.
Patty: Prunes, sure. Yeah, I think so. I just started here, I'll go check.
Prue: No! She can order something else.
Patty: Have we met before? You look familiar.
Prue: Yeah, so do you.
(Piper tries to freeze everyone several times but her power won't work.)
Prue: (whispering to Piper) What's the matter?
Piper: It's not working. You try.
(Prue tries to move her glass.)
Prue: Okay, how is that possible?
Woman: Patty, phone.
Patty: Oh, okay, thanks. I'll uh, be back.
Piper: Wait! We know you're pregnant.
Patty: What?
Piper: This is going to sound really weird but we're actually your...
Prue: Cousins. From outta town.
Piper: Right, cousins. And we need to tell you something about the baby that you're carrying.
Patty: Not that this is any of your business but I can't get pregnant anymore. Medically impossible. Excuse me. (She leaves.)
Piper: I panicked. I thought, you know, close family would know she was pregnant.
Prue: Yeah, well, not only does she not know that she's pregnant, she doesn't even think she can get pregnant.
Piper: Yeah, well, we got bigger problems. We have no powers which means we have no way of stopping Nicholas.
Prue: Yeah, how do we not have powers? I mean little Prue and little Piper, they have powers.
Piper: I don't know. Maybe only one set of us can have powers at the same time in the same time.
Prue: Thank you, Mr. Spock.
[Cut to Patty and Grams talking on the phone.]
Patty: I was working mother, that's why I couldn't take your call.
Grams: That premonition that you said you had. Did you see what the warlocks looked like?
Patty: No, I didn't see their faces. Why?
Grams: I'll tell you why. Because I saw them, all three of them. Here, and one of them had a hold of Prue.
Patty: Little girls okay?
Grams: For now, thanks to me.
Patty: I'm coming right home.
(Patty leaves out the door and bumps into Phoebe.)
Phoebe: Oh, oh.
Patty: I'm so sorry.
Phoebe: Oh, no, it's totally my fault.
(They bend down to pick up her stuff. Phoebe realizes it's her mother.)
Patty: I'm such a klutz sometime.
Phoebe: Really? So am I.
Patty: Yeah?
Phoebe: Yeah. Crackers?
Patty: Upset stomach.
Phoebe: (Sees a cigarette packet) Uh, you know you shouldn't be smoking these now. It's bad for your upset stomach.
Patty: You're very sweet. Thanks. I gotta go.
Phoebe: So soon?
Patty: Excuse me?
Officer: Is everything alright?
Patty: Yeah, thanks officer.
Phoebe: Oh my God, Nicholas.
Patty: I'm late. Thanks again. (She leaves.)
Phoebe: Excuse me. How do you get to Berkley?
Nicholas: Get outta my way.
(Phoebe kicks him and throws his keys on the road. She runs into Buddies.)
Prue: Phoebe, what are you doing?
Phoebe: Nicholas is here.
Piper: What? Where?
Phoebe: Run!
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Scene: Prue, Piper and Phoebe are walking down their street.]
Piper: Is Nicholas wearing his ring?
Phoebe: I don't know. I don't think so.
Piper: It's a good thing you were there Pheebs, that's probably when Nicholas was gonna make his moves on mum.
Phoebe: I know I don't think so otherwise we'd be I our own time by now.
Prue: Hey, are you alright?
Phoebe: Yeah, uh, just seeing mum for the first time and talking to her, I just didn't expect to feel so...
Prue: Feel what, good?
Phoebe: No, overwhelmed.
Piper: Well, mum's car is here, at least we know where she is.
Prue: Yeah, but the question is, how do we get to her? Grams must of told her about us by now. She probably thinks we're the warlocks.
Piper: Our only option is to wait for Nicholas to show. But what are we going to do without our powers?
Phoebe: Well, technically you still have your powers. If you count little Prue and little Piper. We need our powers and they have them. Come on.
[Cut to them coming in the back door.]
Phoebe: Coast is clear.
Piper: What if Grams catches us?
Prue: She'll kill us before Nicholas has a chance.
Phoebe: She won't catch us. Observe.
(She opens the heating duct and they can hear Grams and Patty talking.)
Patty: You said yourself the girls are safe with you. Besides, I want to go.
Grams: You are making a big mistake Patty, Victor is not coming back.
Prue: How did you ...?
Phoebe: Heating duct to upstairs. I used to listen to you guys for hours. Especially when you used to sneak Andy up to your bedroom in high school.
Prue: Oohh... Okay, you stay here and keep tabs on them, we're gonna try and find the little girls.
[Cut to other room.]
Little Prue: That's my doll.
Little Piper: You gave it to me.
Little Prue: No I didn't. You stole it.
Prue: That's true. You did steal it.
Piper: I did not.
Prue: Yes you did.
(Little Prue uses her powers to take the doll off little Piper.)
Piper: Hey, that's not fair.
Little Prue: You came back.
Prue: Yes, we did and we're gonna keep it a secret right?
Little Prue: Okay.
Prue: Okay.
Little Prue: (to Prue) You're pretty.
Prue: So are you.
Piper: Oh, give me a break.
Little Piper: Grams said you're bad people.
Piper: No, no, no. We're good people. We're uh, just like you.
Prue: Yeah, we're family.
[Cut to Phoebe.]
Patty: He sent me a note. He asked me to stop by his hotel after my shift.
Phoebe: Dad?
Grams: You know it was doomed from the start. You never even took his last name.
Patty: You wouldn't let me.
Grams: Well, that's beside the point. Why can't you just wear your uniform to see him?
Patty: Because I don't want him to know I'm a waitress. Look, it can't hurt to talk right?
Grams: Well, let him go I say. If husbands were supposed to stay married, God would of made them live longer.
Patty: Mother!
Phoebe: (laughs) Grams.
[Cut back to Prue and Piper.]
Little Prue: We're not suppose to go places with strangers.
Prue: Yes, but we're not strangers, Prue. You're safe with us and I know that you know in your heart that you can trust us.
Little Piper: If you're really family prove it.
Piper: Prove it? How the hell are we suppose...
Prue: Piper!
Little Piper: Piper. Your name's Piper too?
Piper: Uh, yeah, and not only do we have the same name... (she hits and kicks the draw and it opens) but we also have the same secrets.
Prue: Okay, follow me.
(Little Andy runs in.)
Little Andy: Freeze!
Little Piper: Okay, Andy.
Piper: No, wait!
(Little Piper freezes Andy, Prue and Piper.)
Little Prue: I'm telling mum. You're not suppose to freeze people.
Little Piper: But he said to.
Phoebe: Prue, Piper, mum's coming down ... (she notices that they're frozen) Oh, boy.
(Patty and Grams are coming down the stairs.)
Grams: Fine, if you must go, go. I can't stop you but I also can't promise I won't teach the a new spell.
Patty: Can't you bake cookies with them like all the other grandmother's?
Grams: The recipes they learn from me don't come from Betty Crocker, dear.
Patty: Bye girls, love you.
(Everyone unfreezes.)
Little Andy: (to Phoebe) Whoa, where'd you come from?
Prue: Yeah, that's a good question.
Phoebe: Don't ask. Okay, we gotta go fast. Mum just left and Grams is ...
Grams: Prudence. Piper.
Phoebe: ... coming.
Prue: Go, go, go, go.
Piper: Shh, shh, shh. (They run towards the door.)
Little Andy: I wanna go too.
Phoebe: No, Andy, you have to stay here.
Little Andy: No!
Piper: Okay, we got it, we got it.
Phoebe: Oh, Andy is so cute.
Piper: (to little Piper) Alright, ready? Freeze him. (They close the door. Little Piper freezes Andy. They open the door again.) Okay, cool. Come on. Let's go, let's go.
Prue: Okay, maybe that's why Andy is so suspicious of us.
Piper: Okay, Grams keeps the keys in the same spot. Yes, good.
(Grams enters the room where Andy is.)
Grams: Oh, Andy. Did Piper freeze you again? Oh, you poor dear. You won't remember a thing. (He unfreezes) Do you know where the girls went?
Little Andy: I think the strange ladies took them.
[Scene: Park.]
Prue: Okay, girls. If we see a bad guy what do we do?
Little Prue: She's gonna cry.
Little Piper: Am not. I'm gonna freeze him.
Little Prue: And then I'm gonna move him.
Prue: Okay, then we'll take care of him and then we will all...
Little Prue and Piper: Run like the wind!
Prue: Exactly. Alright, so let's give it a try. Ready?
(Prue throws a ball up in the air. Little Piper freezes it and little Prue moves it.)
Little Prue: Can we do it again?
Prue: Yes, yes. Okay, go try it.
Phoebe: Those girls have major juice. They have control, they can aim.
Prue: Yeah, well, they've had their powers a lot longer than we have. I mean did. I think.
Phoebe: What do you think happened to our powers when we were kids?
Prue: Well, we lost a lot growing up. Somehow we must of lost them too. (Piper comes up to them.)
Piper: I finally found a pay phone. Mum is at work until five and Nicholas is on duty until six.
Prue: Good, at least we know where he is. The girls are ready.
Phoebe: Well, I'm not.
Prue: Why not?
Phoebe: Mum died before I could grab onto enough to keep her alive in my head. And now she's here alive, pregnant with me. If we stop Nicholas we have to go back to our own time. And there's no mum.
Piper: We don't have much of a choice Phoebe.
(A cop car pulls up.)
Cop: Ladies. Is this your car?
[Scene: Patty is walking to Victor's room. She knocks on the door.]
Victor: Come in.
Patty: Victor?
(Someone grabs her.)
Patty: Get off me.
(It's Nicholas. He handcuffs her hands together.)
Nicholas: I won't let you freeze me, Patty.
Patty: You.
Nicholas: Call me Nicholas.
Patty: Where's Victor?
Nicholas: Not here. Bait for the hook.
(Patty hits him in the stomach.)
Nicholas: Your blood is boiling, and then death will come.
Patty: What do you want?
Nicholas: What does any warlock want? I want your power Patty. At least I wanted it first. Till I realised you were the mother of the charmed ones.
Patty: No, no. You're mistaken. I only have two children.
Nicholas: Oh, but they'll be a third child. Where did that premonition of yours come from Patty? If not from the unborn child inside you. I tapped your phone. And I heard you and your old witch talking about it.
Patty: I saw three warlocks. Women.
Nicholas: I saw them too, at the diner. I got to you first.
(He gets his ring out of a drawer.)
Patty: I beg you. Don't hurt them.
Nicholas: There is another option Patty.
[Scene: Jail.]
Piper: I can't believe we got arrested for kidnapping ourselves.
Prue: Yeah, well, it should make for a pretty interesting defence.
Piper: Do you think this is funny? Prue, we're not just stuck in jail, we're stuck in the past.
Prue: Yes, I know Piper, I've been following.
Prue: Uh, bright side?
Piper: Uhh, I dare go.
Phoebe: Well, maybe we could get to know mum better. Or, in my case finally. I mean, if we really are stuck here, we may as well take advantage of it. And maybe we can keep her from dying young this time.
Officer: Five minutes, ma'am.
(Patty comes up to them.)
Patty: How'd you know I was pregnant? Who are you people?
Phoebe: Your daughters.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Scene: Outside jail.]
Patty: Okay, I bailed you out. You just better not be warlocks.
Prue: Well, we wouldn't of need you to bail us out if we were.
Patty: I've seen some magic in my life, but this is a miracle.
Phoebe: More than you know mum.
Piper: Where are the little ones?
Patty: Home with Grams. I called her before I came here. That's how I knew you were arrested.
Prue: Did you tell her about us?
Patty: No. I didn't know what to say. I didn't know who you were myself? You're all so beautiful. More than I ever would of imagined. Phoebe. Phoebe. Talk about miracles. I must of named you after my favourite aunt. But, if you don't like the name I can always change it.
Phoebe: No. I love it.
Prue: Ah, mum. We cast a spell to come back in time to help you. Stop you.
Patty: To stop me from what?
Prue: From making a pact with a warlock named Nicholas.
Patty: Then you're too late.
Piper: What?
Patty: I thought I was going to see Victor, your father. But it turned out to be a trap.
Prue: Nicholas.
Patty: He tried to kill me. Phoebe too. I had to give him immunity to your powers in exchange for your lives. I'd rather love you as mortal daughters, than mourn you as dead witches.
Piper: But he's gonna kill us anyway to get our powers.
Patty: Not until Phoebe's born. And all your powers are complete. I bought us some time in hope that Grams could help us. Oh, she's going to be so thrilled when she sees you. The charmed ones. (They hug.)
[Scene: Halliwell manor.]
Grams: Where was I born?
Patty: Mum.
Grams: I'm still not convinced that they're not warlocks.
Patty: We have a pact to undo. We should be looking for a spell.
Prue: Boston. In a hotel room breach.
Grams: What was my husbands name?
Prue: Which husband?
(Piper and Phoebe laugh.)
Grams: Who's Melinda Warren?
Phoebe: The beginning of our family line. She gave us our powers. Our destiny.
Grams: What's the secret ingredient in my blueberry cobbler?
Piper: Honey and a splash of rum.
Grams: What's IBM selling at in your time?
Patty: Mum!
Grams: What?
Patty: It's not the time for personal gain.
Grams: If they could just nod their heads. Okay, forget it. Well, look at you. All three of you. Oh, Patty, I always knew you'd deliver the charmed ones. Once removed of course. Prue. (She nods.) Piper. (She waves.) And ...
Phoebe: Phoebe!
Grams: Oh, another 'P'. What a surprise.
Patty: About the pact?
Grams: We must keep the girls safe until we can reverse it. I'll have to bind their powers.
Piper: Uh, bind our powers?
Grams: Strip them from the young ones. So Nicholas can't get a hold of them. It doesn't have to be done straight away. As soon as Phoebe's born. I'll cast a spell and suspend, uh, your powers.
Prue: Um, but that's exactly what you did... or do... will do... you know what I mean.
Piper: Well, that explains why we don't remember having our powers when we were younger.
Grams: What do you mean? Well, how old were you when you got your powers back?
Piper: We just got them.
Grams: What? I unbound your powers without having unbroken the pact? Why would I do that? I mean unless I died which of course automatically ... unbind your powers. I guess I'm not going to make it to the next millennium, huh?
Phoebe: Uh, speaking of that, mum ...
Grams: No. We mustn't know anymore about the future. You came back for one reason, to break the pact. You mustn't tamper with anything else. It's much too risky. Heaven knows what damage you've already done by coming back here.
Prue: We haven't done anything, we missed our chance to stop the pact.
Grams: And there's a reason for that. Destiny always gets its own way. It's not as easy to change the past as you think. If you do it incorrectly, everything will change. The evil you vanquished, the good that you've done, none of it may've ever happened.
Piper: Well, we have to change this, we can't go back and let him kill us.
Patty: The only way to vanquish him in your time would be for me to unless the ring and take away its immunity. It's in a drawer in his hotel room.
Phoebe: Okay, well, let's go to Nicholas' hotel room and steal back the ring. Hopefully it'll be there.
Patty: No, it's too dangerous, you don't have powers. I'll go.
Prue: If something happened to you, future history could be forever. Just like Grams said. We have to go.
Grams: Well, I'm glad you finally learned to listen to me. You better hurry. In the meantime, I'll write a new spell, so we can get you back to your own time.
Piper: Wait, you can do that?
Grams: We're witches, dear, we can do anything.
Phoebe: I wish that were true.
Prue: Okay, we need to go.
Patty: Be careful.
[Scene: Hotel. Phoebe is picking the lock.]
Prue: Why am I not surprised that you know how to do this?
Phoebe: Let's just hope Nicholas isn't inside.
Prue: The concierge says he's not and Piper's outside watching for him. (Phoebe opens the door and turns on the light.)
Phoebe: Mum says it's in a drawer.
Prue: Found it. Okay, we gotta get it back to mum.
[Scene: Attic.]
Prue: We have the ring, here it is.
Piper: Okay, now what?
Grams: Go back to where you belong.
Patty: Then I will unbless the ring and get it back to the hotel before Nicholas finds it missing.
Grams: Now remember, there is no time to lose. You will return at the exact moment you left, which means Nicholas will be there too.
(You see Phoebe writing a letter. It says, "Mom, Be careful on February 28, 1978, or a warlock will drown you.")
Piper: Hopefully without immunity to our powers.
Prue: We'll be ready. Phoebe?
Phoebe: Okay, I'm coming.
Prue: I love you, mum. (Phoebe puts her letter in the Book of Shadows.)
Piper: I'm never gonna learn to like lima beans Grams, but thanks for everything else. (They hug.)
Grams: (to Phoebe) You're going to be a handful aren't you?
Phoebe: You'll learn to love me. (She goes and hugs Patty) I'm gonna miss you.
Grams: A time for everything, And to everything its place, Return what has been moved, Through time and space. (Nothing happens.)
Patty: Let me help.
(They both repeat the spell. Twinkling lights encircle them and they disappear.)
Grams: You did well, Patty. Oh, they're fabulous.
Patty: Just hope they're safe.
(The girls reappear.)
Prue: Oops.
Grams: What happened?
Piper: We didn't go anywhere. We were just standing here and the next thing we knew ...
Phoebe: We were just standing here.
Patty: I told you to use proper buds.
Grams: It's a perfectly good spell, I mean it moved them through time.
Patty: Yeah, ten seconds.
Grams: I'm telling you, it's not the spell. It must be the power behind the spell, there's not enough power.
Piper: Maybe we need the power of three.
Phoebe: The only problem is it doesn't exist yet.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Scene: Grams is looking through the Book of Shadows.]
Grams: Nothing.
Phoebe: Maybe this is our destiny.
Grams: Not for the charmed ones.
Piper: We don't exist yet.
Patty: Yes, yes you do.
Prue: No, not with powers.
Patty: Yes, little Prue and Piper have their powers and Phoebe gave me a premonition so she must have hers. If we can teach the girls the chant, maybe the three of us can get you back to your time.
Prue: The power of three, it's worth a try.
Nicholas: (from downstairs) Where are you witches? Where's my ring?
Patty: Nicholas.
Grams: You and Piper get the girls, we'll fend him off. (Everyone goes out of the attic except Phoebe who gets the letter out of the Book of Shadows.) Come on, Phoebe.
[Cut to the stairs. Nick starts walking up the stairs but Grams uses her powers on him and he flies through the air.]
Prue: Oh, Grandma don't get too close, his power.
Grams: I know, I know.
Phoebe: We can't risk you being hurt, go upstairs and help mum start the spell.
Prue: Phoebe and I will take care of him. Come on.
(Phoebe goes and kicks Nick in the head.)
[Cut to attic.]
Patty: (to the little girls) We're gonna play a little game okay. Now give me your hands.
Piper: Okay, hurry.
Patty: Now, repeat after me. A time for everything, And to everything its place ...
Little Prue & Piper: A time for everything, And to everything its place ...
Patty: Returned what has been moved, Through time and space.
Little Prue & Piper: Return what has been moved, Through time and space.
(Prue and Phoebe enter the attic.)
Prue: Alright, we don't have much time.
Piper: What about his ring?
Grams: Don't worry about the ring now. Let's just get you back.
Prue: Well, but it is unblessed right?
Grams: Yes, but there wasn't time to test it.
(Phoebe gets a camera and takes a picture of Patty, little Prue and little Piper.)
Prue: Then how will we know it works?
Grams: You won't. Not until you get back. The time will pick up right where you left off. He won't remember. Goodbye girls. (They all hug.)
Patty, Little Prue and Piper: A time for everything, And everything its place, Return what has been moved, Through time and space.
(Twinkling lights encircle them and they disappear and reappear in their own time.)
Prue: It worked, we're back.
(Nicholas is running up the stairs.)
Phoebe: Hurry.
(They flip through the Book of Shadows to find a spell. Nicholas barges through the door.)
Nicholas: Time is up. (Prue uses her powers and Nick flies through the air.)
Prue: Fine. The rings unblessed.
(Piper freezes him.)
Piper: Phoebe, find anything?
Phoebe: How about the 'Nicholas must die' spell.
Piper: That wasn't there before.
Prue: Well, maybe it's just Grams' way of saying, you know, welcome back... or, or front.
Phoebe: Pouch included at no extra charge. (Prue gets a mortar and pestle.) Uh, "lavender, mimosa, holy thistle..."
(Piper pours powder from the pouch into the mortar. It goes up in a puff of smoke.)
Piper: Oh dear!
Phoebe: "Cleanse this evil from our midst, scatter its cells throughout time, let this Nick no more exist."
(Nick spins around very fast and turns into dust.)
Prue: Wow. I'm really glad I never got on Grams' bad side.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Scene: Prue and Phoebe are looking at photos. Piper brings in the vase of flowers.]
Phoebe: I can't stop thinking about mum. I lost her and then I found her again.
Prue: I'm just glad you finally have memories of her.
(Phoebe points to the flowers.)
Piper: What? I'm supposed to throw out perfectly good flowers 'cause they came from a creep? If that was the rule then we'd never have flowers in this house.
Prue: Well, they didn't just come from a creep, they came from a warlock who tried to kill us.
Phoebe: Still, if it weren't for him, I probably never would of gotten to know mum.
Piper: We all wanted to save mum, Pheebs, but both mum and Grams said we can't change destiny.
Phoebe: But, um, I still wrote her a note anyway.
Prue: You did?
Phoebe: Yes, I wrote her a note telling her to stay away from water on the day that she died. And then I put it in the Book of Shadows.
Piper: I can't believe you did that.
Phoebe: You don't understand. Every time I've made a wish, I wished for time with mum. And I believed in my heart that someday, somehow, that wish would come true and when it finally did, I didn't wanna let her go. You know, but then I realized that I had to let her go, so I took the not out and put it in my pocket.
Prue: Maturity sucks doesn't it.
Piper: So faith has its rewards. (She shows them the picture that Phoebe took in the attic.) It's a pretty good one of us, but once again, not a great one of you Pheebs.
Phoebe: Are you kidding? That is the best picture of me I've ever taken. | Plan: A: A powerful warlock; Q: What is Nicholas? A: Nicholas; Q: Who is the warlock who shows up to the sisters' mother's funeral? A: the girls' powers; Q: What did Nicholas exchange for the life of the sisters' mother? A: the 1970s; Q: When did the sisters go back in time to prevent the pact? A: the pact; Q: What do the sisters try to prevent? A: Patty; Q: Who breaks the pact with Nicholas? A: the future; Q: Where does Nicholas go after the sisters break the pact? A: their respective abilities; Q: What is Nicholas no longer immune to? A: their late grandmother; Q: Who left a spell for the sisters to use to defeat Nicholas? Summary: A powerful warlock, Nicholas, shows up claiming that he made a pact with the sisters' mother in which he spared her life in exchange for the girls' powers. Fleeing him, the three sisters go back in time to the 1970s when their mother was still alive and they try to prevent the pact. They manage to get Patty to break the pact and return to the future where he is no longer immune to their respective abilities and vanquish him with a very strong spell left for such a purpose by their late grandmother. |
LUKE'S DINER
[Kirk is sitting at a table in the center, yelling loudly. There is a bin half filled with pink and blue ribbons in front of him.]
KIRK: Ribbons here! Return your ribbons here! That's right, folks! [A couple enters the diner and deposits their blue ribbons into the bin.] Thank you, sir. In the box, ma'am. Ribbons here, return your ribbons here!
LUKE: Kirk, stop that.
KIRK: Can't stop yet, Luke. Haven't got them all yet.
LUKE: I mean it, put the box away.
KIRK: Luke, you and Lorelai have reconciled.
LUKE: I know, Kirk. I was there.
KIRK: And since you two have reconciled, it's only appropriate that the citizens of Stars Hollow take off their pins and start to heal. In my case, literally. I caught about an inch of chest-flesh with this sharp little sucker.
LUKE: Kirk -
[Lulu walks past the diner. Kirk jumps out of his seat and yells at her through the window.]
KIRK: Lulu! Hey!
LULU: No, Kirk! I like my ribbon! It's pink! I like pink!
KIRK: This is bigger than your love of pink!
LULU [screams dramatically]: No!
[Lulu takes off down the street.]
KIRK: Lulu! Lulu, get back here! Lulu! [He leaves the diner to run after her. Lorelai enters.]
LORELAI: Wow, did you see that?
LUKE: You know, if someone opened a store in this town selling giant butterfly nets, they'd make a fortune.
LORELAI: Come on, the crazy need love too.
LUKE: Speaking of which - [they kiss] Welcome back.
LORELAI: Nice to be here.
LUKE: Want some coffee?
LORELAI: Oh, say that again, slower and with your pants off.
LUKE: What's that? [He gestures at the counter.]
LORELAI: My pretty, pretty face?
LUKE: That's a Weston's coffee cup.
LORELAI: Is it?
LUKE: You bring an enemy coffee cup in here on the day of our reconciliation.
LORELAI [with a mobster accent]: At least I didn't ask you for a favor on this, the day of our daughter's wedding.
LUKE: Get that coffee out of here.
LORELAI: This is not coffee. This is a mocha chocolate caramel swirl-a-chino with extra whip cream.
LUKE: That sounds disgusting.
LORELAI: It is. And if it was physically possible to make love to a hot beverage, this would be the one.
LUKE: So apparently I've got competition.
LORELAI: No, no, no. It's just a fling. I'll finally spend the night with it, but then when I see it in the morning with the caramel un-swirled and the whip cream un-whipped, huh! Buh-bye.
[Kirk opens the door, panting. He is holding Lulu's sweater, complete with its pink ribbon.]
KIRK: Man, that was hard. [Pause.] She must have stretched first. [He tosses the sweater into the bin.]
OPENING CREDITS
YALE CAMPUS
[Evening. Rory and Logan are walking together. Logan has his arm around Rory's waist.]
RORY: So, judging from the snoring I'm guessing you love the theater.
LOGAN: That was not a snore. That was a groan.
RORY: It was not a painful play.
LOGAN: Any play is a painful play for me.
RORY: Well, that's too bad, because you're going to miss out on some wonderful things.
LOGAN: Yeah, like what?
RORY [smiling]: My mom took me to see Caroline, or Change in New York, Tony Kushner's musical, and it was the most amazing thing we ever saw. Tony Kushner wrote Angels in America.
LOGAN: I know who Tony Kushner is.
RORY: So you've seen his plays?
LOGAN: No, my mom plays Canasta with him every month he's in town.
RORY: Tony Kushner plays Canasta with your mother?
LOGAN: Badly, but yes.
RORY: You have a magical life, Huntzberger! And you don't even know it.
LOGAN: So, where to next?
RORY: Oh, I don't know. Mah Jongg with Mamet?
LOGAN: How does ice cream sound?
RORY: Ice cream sounds great.
LOGAN: Then ice cream it is. [He takes her hand and pulls her toward one of the buildings.]
RORY: Whoa, Logan! Where are we going? Slow down.
LOGAN: Slow down and you die, Ace.
RORY: Yeah, you go too fast in heels and you kind of die also.
[He pulls her into a dark doorway, which he opens with a key.]
YALE CAMPUS - DINING HALL
[It is dark. Rory and Logan enter.]
RORY: What are we doing?
LOGAN: We're getting ice cream.
RORY: But the dining hall's closed. We're breaking in.
LOGAN: That's a very negative way of looking at it.
RORY: How do you have a key to the dining hall?
LOGAN: I know a lot of very powerful locksmiths.
RORY: Well, what happens if we get caught? Could we get suspended? They can't kick you out of school for this, can they?
LOGAN: Hey, relax. Look around. For tonight this is all yours.
RORY: It is kind of cool.
LOGAN: Wait till you see the kitchen.
RORY: Whoa! Oh, I've never seen the cereal completely full before. I'm never here early enough! I knew they had Cocoa Puffs.
LOGAN: Go crazy, Ace.
RORY: No, we're getting ice cream.
LOGAN: There's no rule that says you can't have ice cream and cereal. Go on, get your Cocoa Puffs.
RORY [reaches for a bowl]: First Cocoa Puffs of the day. This is a historic moment.
LOGAN: Okay. Next stop, ice cream.
RORY: Mm.
LOGAN: What are you doing?
RORY: I'm looking for the swipe machine so I can deduct points from my meal plan.
LOGAN: You're kidding, right?
RORY: Well, the school pays for the food.
LOGAN: Trust me. With all the money my family has donated to this school, they can afford to be out of a few Cocoa Puffs. Let's go.
RORY: This is fun.
LOGAN: You're an easy girl to please. [They kiss.] Let's hit the kitchen.
RORY: 'Kay.
[They walk toward the kitchen. Almost at the door, Rory turns back and leaves a dollar at the cereal station.]
LOGAN: Ace, come on!
RORY: I'm coming!
[They exit.]
DRAGONFLY INN
[Lorelai is walking around, giving orders.]
LORELAI [to a maid dusting]: Oh, okay, thanks. That's enough there. Just make sure you get the stairs now. [To two men carrying flowers] Oh, no, those go outside. Anacencia will take care of you.
[She enters the living room and sees Sookie.]
LORELAI: Oh, what a surprise! A plate of cookies on the coffee table to match the basket of cupcakes on the reception desk.
SOOKIE: What? I always do this.
LORELAI: Oh, you always do this when a photographer from American Travel magazine is coming to photograph us for -
SOOKIE and LORELAI [in unison]: One of the Top Ten Inns in Connecticut!
SOOKIE [squeals]: I have no idea what you're talking about.
LORELAI: You know, I moved the furniture in the bedrooms around four times last night.
SOOKIE: And you ended up?
LORELAI: With everything in exactly the same place I started with.
[Sookie giggles.]
LORELAI: Oh, the dining room looks beautiful.
SOOKIE: Thank you.
LORELAI: And, what a surprise, a cake on every table.
SOOKIE: So no one has to share.
[They walk into the library.]
LORELAI: Okay, floor looks good, table looks good. Hey, what happened to our books?
SOOKIE: What do you mean?
LORELAI: All our beautiful, leather-bound books. Jonathon Swift, Edith Wharton, Charles Dickens. A lot of them are gone.
SOOKIE: The guests must have swiped 'em.
LORELAI: They swiped Jonathon Swift and left me with Clifford, the Big Red Dog and five copies of He's Just Not That Into You.
SOOKIE: We've been airplane booked.
LORELAI: Oh, we've got to get them out of here. Hey Eddie? [Eddie comes in.]
Will you get these out of here? [He takes them from her and leaves.] I'll raid Rory's leftovers tonight.
[Michel enters, wearing sunglasses, a t-shirt featuring a palm tree, and carrying two paper bags.]
MICHEL: Well, there everybody is. Who missed Michel?
LORELAI: Huh. Trick question?
SOOKIE: How was California?
MICHEL: Ah, you know, it is insanity. What is different about me?
SOOKIE: You're wearing sunglasses inside?
MICHEL: They're not sunglasses. They are eyewear. Everyone in Los Angeles wears pairs and pairs of eyewear.
LORELAI: Well, you look great.
MICHEL: Oh, I tell you, I belong out there. Everybody is thin and gorgeous. Oh, there is this place on Sunset Boulevard, a Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf, and everybody there talks exactly like me.
LORELAI: Wow.
MICHEL: I got Botox.
SOOKIE: Ow.
MICHEL: Dr. Wu, oh, she's a genius. Everyone goes there. And look. [He shows them his teeth.] I got them done by the same guy who does Nick Lachey. Okay, gather around. I brought gifts. [He holds up his bags.]
LORELAI: Gifts, great!
MICHEL: Oh, the shopping out there, unbelievable. Rodeo Drive, dig a hole and drop me in, even if I'm not dead yet. Okay, for you and for you. [He hands them their bags.]
LORELAI [pulling out her gift]: Huh.
MICHEL: It's a smog globe. [Laughs] They are so funny in California.
SOOKIE [opening her gift]: Well, what do you know. [giggles a little] He's Just Not That Into You.
MICHEL: I heard it's a fabulous book, and so true. Oh, I haven't told you the most amazing part yet.
LORELAI: You got your boobs done by the same guy who did Pamela Anderson?
MICHEL: No, though I did meet him at the Coffee Bean. I was at this place called the Farmer's Market, and I was just sitting there, minding anybody's business, and a man came up to me and asked if I would like to be a contestant on the Price is Right!
LORELAI: You're kidding!
MICHEL: I was so stunned! I mean, I never considered being on a game show, but I was finished with my Bubble Tea, so I figured, why not?
SOOKIE: They just asked you to be on.
MICHEL: Yes.
SOOKIE: Boy, that's weird. Jackson's cousin Monty did the Price is Right, and he told us that the contestants had to get up at the crack of dawn, sit in line for hours, with hundreds of tourists, and then show how enthusiastic of a contestant they would be. You know, jumping up and down, screaming and yelling.
MICHEL: You don't say.
SOOKIE: Yeah. And they had to wear embarrassing t-shirts that said things like 'Pick Me, Bob! I neutered my dog!' And they spent weeks studying the price of Turtle wax and Hamburger Helper.
MICHEL: Okay, fine! I may have jumped a little, but I did not wear a t-shirt.
LORELAI: Michel. What would Nick Lachey's teeth guy say?
MICHEL: Make fun if you want, but I walked away the winner of over a hundred thousand dollar of cash and prizes!
LORELAI: Then what's with the cheap gifts?
SOOKIE: That's not even that smoggy.
MICHEL [getting up, muttering to himself]: Why do I talk to you? Why?
LORELAI: All right. I'm going to go run over to Luke's and grab some dinner, and then I will be back to finish the setup.
SOOKIE: Got it.
LUKE'S DINER
[A woman rushes out of the bathroom. Kirk follows her.]
KIRK: Well, if you'd just put it in the box like I told you to, I wouldn't have had to follow you in. [He sets a pink ribbon into the box.]
LUKE [to Lorelai]: Here's your fries.
LORELAI: Mm, good.
LUKE: Where's your burger?
LORELAI: I ate it.
LUKE: I was gone two seconds.
LORELAI: Ketchup, please?
LUKE: By the time I get the ketchup, the fries'll be gone.
LORELAI: You're right, forget the ketchup.
LUKE: Slow down!
LORELAI: I can't slow down. I only have fifteen minutes before I have to get back to the inn.
LUKE: You're going to make yourself sick.
LORELAI: Yes, but my sickness will remind me of you, so it'll be romantic.
LUKE: Romantic nausea.
KIRK: I get that all the time.
LORELAI: Hit me with the pie.
LUKE: What pie?
LORELAI: The boysenberry pie.
LUKE: We're out of boysenberry pie.
LORELAI: How can you be out of boysenberry pie?
LUKE: Because someone ordered the last piece.
LORELAI: But I specifically asked you to save me a piece of boysenberry pie.
LUKE: Uh, no you didn't.
LORELAI: Uh, yes I did.
LUKE: When?
LORELAI: I left you a message.
LUKE: I never got a message.
LORELAI: I left it on your cell phone.
LUKE: Oh, is that what that annoying beeping sound was?
LORELAI: Yes. It was telling you that your girlfriend called and asked you to save her some pie.
LUKE: Well, I don't know how to use the voicemail.
LORELAI [laughs]: You don't?
LUKE: Or anything else on this stupid thing. I know how to make a call and answer a call and then I'm out.
LORELAI: Give me that. You have got to learn how to use this thing because it is very powerful and wonderful, and it will change your life.
LUKE: What are you doing?
LORELAI: I am putting my number on speed-dial, so all you have to do is press one, see, like 'I'm number one' [she raises one hand in the air like a cheerleader] and then - [her cell phone rings in her purse] - oh, I wonder who that could be? [She pulls it out and answers it.] Hello?
LUKE: Give me. [He takes his phone back from Lorelai and talks to her on it.] No cell phones in the diner.
[They hang up their cell phones.]
LORELAI: Oh, see, wasn't that fun?
LUKE: Totally.
LORELAI: Want me to put it on vibrate for you?
LUKE: Fifteen minutes are up.
LORELAI: Oh, crap, I got to go.
LUKE: Take a donut.
LORELAI: So then Sunday?
LUKE: Pick you up at eight.
LORELAI: I'll leave you a message letting you know your chances of getting lucky.
[Luke rolls his eyes.]
LORELAI: Hey, Kirk, how's the ribbon collecting coming?
LUKE: Oh, why do you get him started?
KIRK: I think we're near the finish line.
LORELAI: Who's winning?
LUKE: Hey, this isn't a contest.
LORELAI: I just want to know.
LUKE: I don't care who's winning.
LORELAI: Well, then you won't care if it's me.
LUKE [coming around the counter]: Well, of course it's you. You're the one who makes the costumes for the Christmas pageant. You make the ornaments for the Firelight Festival. You go to the town meetings. You say hello to people. You have a daughter that looks like she belongs on top of a Christmas tree. Everybody knows that gets you tons of points.
LORELAI: Yeah.
LUKE: There's no way to compete with that.
LORELAI: Kirk?
KIRK: You're kicking his ass.
LORELAI: Yes!
LUKE: This isn't a contest.
LORELAI: No, not now, it isn't. Kirk, I want a final tally, because the ribbon loser is buying the ribbon winner dinner Sunday night.
LUKE: Loser pays? When did we agree on that?
LORELAI: Oh, gee, I must have left that on your voicemail too.
[She leaves. Luke looks at Kirk.]
RORY'S CAR
[Evening. Rory is driving. Her cell phone rings, she answers it.]
RORY: Hey Mom.
[Scene cuts to Star's Hollow street where Lorelai is walking, carrying a bag from Luke's.]
LORELAI: Hey. How would you feel about doing a little shopping tomorrow?
RORY: Hurt. Confused. A little dirty.
LORELAI: I need to get a new getting-back-together-with-Luke dress for my back-together-with-Luke date.
RORY: Oh, where do you want to go?
LORELAI: How about the new place where you got the scarf with the bows on it?
RORY: Oh, yes, cute place.
LORELAI: I want to go to the cute place.
RORY: Ten o'clock?
LORELAI: I'll be the one holding coffee. So, uh, what are you doing tonight?
RORY: Mom.
LORELAI: What? Are you driving? Sounds like you're driving.
RORY: I am driving.
LORELAI: You are? Where are you going?
RORY: You know where I'm going, Mom.
LORELAI: Disneyland?
RORY: Nope.
LORELAI: Puppy world?
RORY: You're so immature. You're going to make me say it?
LORELAI: Say what?
RORY [sighs]: I am on my way to Friday night dinner.
LORELAI: Ah-ha-ha! That's right. You're on the road to Hellville.
RORY: Do not gloat.
LORELAI: I'm not gloating. I'm gloating with hand gestures.
RORY: Bye.
LORELAI: And a little soft shoe.
RORY: Got to go.
LORELAI: Listen, enjoy your glazed woodcock with a side of truffled goose head.
RORY: Oh, what a shame, I'm here.
LORELAI: You are not.
RORY: See you tomorrow.
LORELAI: Oh, Rory, wait. I'm gloating with jazz hands.
RORY: Bye, Mom.
[She hangs up.]
LUKE'S DINER
[The diner is nearly dark. Kirk is the last customer.]
LUKE: Finish up, Kirk. I'm closing up early.
KIRK: You're going to see Lorelai tonight, aren't you?
LUKE: Actually no, she's working. I'm going to see her Sunday night.
KIRK: That sounds nice. You guys probably spend a lot of time together.
LUKE: Yes, we do.
KIRK: And you probably sleep over at each other's houses, too.
LUKE [coming over to his table]: Cookies are on the house, Kirk. Just go, okay?
KIRK: You know, Lulu's my first real girlfriend. I had an imaginary girlfriend for a while when I was young, but she left me.
LUKE: Well, that happens.
[Luke picks up the chair opposite Kirk to put it up on the table.]
KIRK: I wish Lulu and I could have what you and Lorelai have.
LUKE: Oh, you can have that, Kirk. You will have that. In fact, why don't you leave, and go have it right now?
KIRK: You know, I live with my mother.
LUKE [muttering to himself]: Apparently I'm officially in this conversation, don't know how it happened, but -
[Luke puts the chair back on the floor and sits on it.]
KIRK: My mother is allergic to Lulu. The minute Lulu comes in the room, my mother will cough and choke and turn red. Her throat closes up, everything gets puffy. Lulu's tried everything. She changed her soap, her perfume, shampoo, cream rinse, deodorant. She's actually kind of a mess right now. But nothing seems to work.
LUKE: Kirk -
KIRK: Obviously I can't have Mother choking three times a week, so I considered constructing a separate entrance to my room, so that Lulu won't actually have to walk through the house, but that's going to cost about forty thousand dollars, 'cause I'd have to break through a bearing wall, and
[SCENE_BREAK]
LUKE: Kirk, stop! This is ridiculous. You're a grown man. You have got to change your living situation.
KIRK: My mother won't move out. I've asked.
LUKE: I'm not talking about your mother. I'm talking about you.
KIRK: Me?
LUKE: Yes, you. Get a life. Get some independence. Get out of there.
KIRK: But -
LUKE: You want to have a real relationship with Lulu?
KIRK: Yes.
LUKE: Then grow up. Be a man.
KIRK: I'm not sure I understand what you're saying to me.
LUKE [getting up]: Well, Kirk, I have given you the Lincoln logs, and you have to build the cabin. [He shuts off the light.] Lock the door behind you.
[Luke heads upstairs.]
KIRK: You're not talking about a real cabin, are you? 'Cause if a new entrance is going to cost forty grand, then a cabin has got to be more.
LUKE [from upstairs]: Good night, Kirk!
ELDER GILMORE'S HOUSE
[The doorbell rings. Richard rushes toward the door.]
RICHARD: Emily! They're here! Hurry, please!
[He opens the door. Rory is holding a large duffel bag full of papers.]
RICHARD: My goodness! The bag is bigger than you are.
RORY: I brought you some recent issues of the Yale Daily News. We've been doing some really good articles lately.
RICHARD: And some with a by-line I might be familiar with, I hope?
RORY: I believe that, yes, you'll find some highlighted sections in your hymnals.
RICHARD: Then hand the bag over, my dear.
RORY: 'Kay.
[She kisses his cheek.]
EMILY: Sorry to keep everybody waiting.
RICHARD: Uh, luckily we had plenty to read. [He shows her the bag.]
EMILY: Hello, Rory.
RORY: Hello, Grandma.
EMILY: Let's go in the living room, shall we?
RICHARD: Excellent idea.
OLYMPIA: Pardon me, Mrs. Gilmore. Shall I put the salads out now, ma'am?
EMILY: We haven't had drinks yet, Olympia.
OLYMPIA: Yes, ma'am.
EMILY: I wrote it all down on the refrigerator pad for you, Olympia.
RORY: Is someone else coming for dinner?
RICHARD: Someone else? No. It's just going to be us.
RORY: Us, meaning just the three of us here, right? I mean, you know Mom's not coming.
[Richard and Emily exchange a look.]
RICHARD: Oh. Well, actually -
EMILY: Of course we knew your mother's not coming. The maid made a mistake. Olympia, it was three for dinner, not four. Well, she's fired. Clear that place at once, please. Richard, take Rory in the living room. I'll just do it myself.
RICHARD: All right.
[Rory and Richard go into the living room. Emily shoo's the maid away from the dining table. She reaches for the plate, then stops, clearly hurt. She braces herself against the chair.]
ELDER GILMORE'S HOUSE
[Later.]
EMILY: Now, I had Olympia write out the reheating instructions for the goose. And they work. I had her test it during dessert.
RORY: Thank you, Grandma.
EMILY: I also put some Perry and David fruit in there.
RICHARD: Oh, you can eat the pears with a spoon.
RORY: I'll remember that. Bye, Grandpa. Bye, Grandma.
RICHARD: Bye, bye.
EMILY: Bye, Rory.
[She closes the door.]
RICHARD: Well, that was a pleasant evening.
EMILY: Really? What dinner were you at?
RICHARD: Well, we weren't exactly sure she was coming, Emily.
EMILY: I was sure. I don't understand it. Why wasn't she here?
[Emily begins to pour herself a drink.]
RICHARD: Well, I'm guessing she had something to do.
EMILY: Something to do? What does that mean, something to do?
[Richard takes over making drinks, while Emily sits down.]
RICHARD: It means she had a previous engagement or meeting. A dinner, perhaps.
EMILY: I know what something to do means, Richard.
RICHARD: My apologies, Emily.
EMILY: It doesn't make any sense at all. I went down there. I arranged the whole thing. She got her filthy diner owner back. What is the problem?
RICHARD: I don't know! Lorelai is as much of a mystery to me as she is to you.
EMILY: I made a whole goose for three people. Wasteful.
RICHARD [thoughtfully]: Do you think it's possible that they didn't get back together?
EMILY: What?
RICHARD: Perhaps it didn't happen. Maybe he didn't understand what you were telling him to do.
EMILY: How could he not understand? I spelled it out for him, step by step. I spoke clearly and slowly. There is no way he didn't understand what I was telling him to do.
RICHARD: All right. Then perhaps he understood, but he simply didn't do it? He's not the most take-charge sort of fellow, you know. He never did follow through on my advice to franchise his diner.
EMILY: Oh, my God, you're right. He didn't do it. He didn't go to her like I specifically told him to.
RICHARD: So it would seem.
EMILY: What an imbecile that man is!
RICHARD: Well, you gave it your best effort. No one can say you didn't.
EMILY: I just don't believe it.
RICHARD: Don't worry, Emily. I'm sure she'll come around eventually. And then, at least, we won't have to deal with them as a couple. [Emily looks sadly into her empty glass.] Here, let me freshen up your drink.
CLOTHING SHOP
[Rory and Lorelai exit and begin walking down the street.]
RORY: If I still want that sweater in twenty minutes I'm coming back to get it.
LORELAI: Okay, wait. What is wrong with this picture?
RORY: Huh?
LORELAI: You - look at you. An armful of bags and a potential twenty-minute sweater on the way, and look at me. Completely bagless.
RORY: Relax, the day's still young.
LORELAI: There are no more clothes out there for me. The Lorelai look is over. I wish someone had told me.
RORY: That would've helped.
[A lady walks by.]
LORELAI: Oh, see? That's what I want. Hey, come on. Let's follow her.
RORY: I'm not following that girl.
LORELAI: But she knows where my stores are and she looks about my size, so if she happens to have an aneurysm between now and tomorrow night - what?
[Rory is looking across the street. Lorelai looks and sees Logan sitting at an outdoor cafe with another girl. They look very cozy.]
LORELAI: My God. Is that Logan? It is Logan. I can't believe it. What a jerk.
RORY: Mom, it's okay.
LORELAI: No, it's not okay! He's sitting over there with a girl and - oh, no you don't. Get me a rock.
RORY: Mom -
LORELAI: I am beaning him with a rock!
RORY: Mom! Stop, it's fine!
LORELAI: How is it fine? I'm sorry, aren't you still seeing him?
RORY: Well, yeah.
LORELAI: Okay, so if you're still seeing him and he's over there seeing her, how is that okay?
RORY: Because. We're keeping things casual.
LORELAI: Casual?
RORY: We see each other, we see other people, and that's him over there, seeing other people. So it's fine.
LORELAI: Oh.
RORY: We both agreed.
LORELAI: Okay. You both agreed, then, okay. But, aren't you guys sleeping together?
RORY: Mom. It's college.
LORELAI [frowning]: Oh, right. It's college.
RORY: We're both busy. We have class, we have friends. You know, it's good to just keep things cas, have fun. That's it.
LORELAI: Fun. Sure. I get it. Friends with benefits. No problem, I watch Oprah. [She sighs.] Okay, so. Are you sure you're cool with this?
RORY: I'm completely cool with this.
LORELAI: 'Kay. 'Cause it just really bothers -
RORY [cutting her off]: Mom, look over there! I think the Lorelai look is back, and it's in velvet!
[Rory keeps walking down the street. Lorelai follows, staring at Logan.]
DRAGONFLY INN
[Lorelai is showing the photographer around.]
LORELAI: So, Hal, what do you think? Living room, reception area might be a nice place to start.
HAL: I really need to shoot the exteriors first. We're about to lose the light.
LORELAI: Oh, great idea. Well, let me tell you, we are very proud of our exteriors. Why don't I get Michel to show you outside and help you set up?
HAL: Okay.
[Lorelai leaves Hal at the door and walks to the reception desk.]
MICHEL [On the phone]: No, no. This is unacceptable. Put your supervisor on the phone. Now, now, right now!
LORELAI: Hey, everything okay, Michel?
MICHEL: Yes, everything is fine. Lots of sunshine. I'll be right with you. [On the phone.] I insist you do something about this before I go out and find a stick and make it pointy and come and find your cubicle and poke you very hard!
LORELAI [walking back to the door]: Hey, tell you what. Why don't I just show you outside myself?
HAL: Okay.
MICHEL: Sure, I'll hold.
[They go outside.]
YALE NEWSPAPER OFFICE
[Rory is typing at her desk. Logan comes in.]
LOGAN: Now, that's a look of great determination.
RORY: Yes, I'm determined to finish this piece before my caffeine buzz wears off and I have about thirty seconds left.
[Logan sits down on the corner of the desk.]
LOGAN: So.
RORY: So.
LOGAN: Did I see you on State Street with...
RORY: Yeah.
LOGAN: Right. So you saw me on State Street with...
RORY: Yep.
LOGAN: So.
RORY: So.
LOGAN: Are we still good?
RORY: Absolutely.
LOGAN: Really?
RORY: Logan, we both agreed. No strings attached. Remember?
LOGAN: I remember. I was just checking to see how well you remember.
RORY: I remember perfectly.
LOGAN: Okay, that's good to hear. So -
RORY: Oh, we're not going to do the 'so' thing again, are we?
LOGAN: No, promise. No more so's. Would you take an 'um'?
RORY: Depends. Where's it leading?
LOGAN: Um, are you busy, or do you feel like grabbing a cup of coffee?
RORY: Why, do you have a master key to a Starbuck's or something?
LOGAN: Nah, just thought we'd walk in and pay.
RORY: Wow. Old school. Sure, let's go.
LOGAN: Okay, let's go.
[Logan walks out. Rory gets up and follows.]
DRAGONFLY INN
[Outside. They are getting ready for the photo shoot.]
LORELAI: Yeah, there. Right there. How's it looking, Hal?
HAL: I think we're good with the flowers. Let's start clearing everyone out of there.
[Lorelai walks toward the porch. Sookie comes out and places a platter of food on the porch railing.]
SOOKIE: How's it going?
LORELAI: I think we're getting ready to shoot. What are you doing?
SOOKIE: Well, just in case he doesn't have time to do the shot of the kitchen, people will get to see the food.
LORELAI: You're insane. [Calling to Hal] Okay, we're ready!
[Michel rushes out the front door, yelling into his cell phone.]
MICHEL: Okay, try something else! I don't care, just stop it! Block it with your body! Tien an Men Square! Be a hero!
LORELAI: Uh, Michel, what's wrong?
MICHEL: I will tell you what's wrong. Ned the bellman is wrong. He's useless! I gave him specific instructions and he ignored them!
LORELAI: What the hell is that?
[A gigantic motor home drives around the corner.]
MICHEL: No, no, no! Do not drive that here! It was not supposed to arrive for two more days.
LORELAI: Seriously, what is that?
MICHEL: My 'over one hundred thousand dollar in cash and prizes'.
LORELAI: That's what you won?
MICHEL: That, and many boxes of some sort of instant rice dish that I have yet to feel the need to sample.
[The motor home parks directly in front of the front door. A man gets out.]
MAN: Are you Michel Girard?
MICHEL: Yes.
MAN: Well, Michel Gerard, I am pleased to present you with your motor home. Step on inside and I'll show you how everything works.
MICHEL: I don't want to know how it works. I don't want it here at all.
LORELAI: Michel, I don't understand.
MICHEL: After I won this monstrosity, I told them I did not want it. I wanted the cash. But they said they would only give me half of what it was worth!
SOOKIE: Yeah! Jackson's cousin won a washer and dryer on the twenty five thousand dollar Pyramid, but he decided to take half the cash value 'cause he likes to go to the Laundromat to pick up women.
MICHEL: Well, I am not Jackson's cousin. I have all of my chromosomes, and I don't want half of the cash value. I want the entire hundred thousand dollars that was flashing under my face.
MAN: Excuse me. Do you want to know how to use it or not? 'Cause the leveling can be a little tricky.
MICHEL: No, I do not want to know how to use it!
MAN: Okay. [He hands him the key.] Enjoy your day.
MICHEL: Drop dead and we'll discuss it. They told me I had a week before they were delivering it. I put an ad online and I was going to sell it. And then I get a call that it is coming and it has not been a week!
LORELAI: Oh, wait, sir? Could I, uh, pay you to just take this away for an hour? You know, drive it around, show it the sights?
MAN: Sorry. Once we deliver the keys, it's out of our hands.
HAL: Uh, Lorelai?
LORELAI: Taking care of it, Hal.
HAL: By the time all this dust clears, I'm afraid we'll have lost the light anyway.
LORELAI: No, no, we're not losing the light. We'll keep the light, lose the dust. Sookie, get the dust busters? Michel, move this thing.
SOOKIE: Squawk at the roast?
LORELAI: Michel!
MICHEL: I don't know how it works!
LORELAI: Figure it out!
MICHEL: You figure it out! It's like the space shuttle in here.
HAL: Okay. We're done here.
LORELAI: What? No!
HAL: It's too late. I can take some interior shots just for the hell of it.
LORELAI: Oh, sure. Sookie, why don't you show him the kitchen?
SOOKIE: Really? Great. Follow me.
[Sookie and Hal go inside.]
LORELAI: You know, I can't believe it. I can't believe you had your motor home delivered here, to the inn, today!
MICHEL: I was supposed to have a week!
LORELAI: You know, Michel, I know the world revolves around you and we all have to understand that, but this was important.
MICHEL: I didn't think it was coming today.
LORELAI: You didn't think, period. You know, I don't always expect you to be a great help around here, but how about not being a super colossal hindrance to us all, okay!
[She stomps into the inn, leaving Michel with nothing but hurt feelings and his motor home.]
YALE DINING HALL
[Rory is sitting in a big couch, reading. Robert approaches her.]
ROBERT: Business or pleasure?
[Rory looks up, smiles, and show him the book she is reading.]
ROBERT: Social Origins of Dictatorship and Democracy: Lord and peasant and the making of the modern world. Oh. Pleasure.
RORY: Have you read it?
ROBERT: I'm waiting for the film to come out.
RORY: Yeah, I heard Renee Zellweger is gaining a ton of weight to play the peasant.
ROBERT: Listen, I was wondering if you're doing anything tomorrow night.
RORY: Oh. Um, I don't know. Why?
ROBERT: Well, it's Finn's birthday. He's having a party. Lots of booze, no food whatsoever.
RORY: Ah, that Finn.
ROBERT: I was wondering if you'd like to go.
RORY: With you?
ROBERT: Well, that was the plan, yes.
RORY: Oh. [Thinks for a moment] Well, um, sure.
ROBERT: Yes?
RORY: Yes. I'd love to. Um, let's celebrate another year of Finn.
ROBERT: Excellent. Now, it's themed. Anything Quentin Tarantino is acceptable, and I'll pick you up at your room around nine.
RORY: Sounds good.
ROBERT: Does it? Well, how about that.
[He leaves. Rory has a smug look on her face, proud of her 'casual dating'.]
DRAGONFLY INN - LIVING ROOM
[Lorelai walks in.]
LORELAI: Hey, Sookie, have you seen Michel? He was arranging a car to take the Martins to Foxwoods.
SOOKIE: I think he's showing some people the motor home.
LORELAI: Now?
SOOKIE: He asked me if it was okay. I told him it was okay. Is it okay?
LORELAI: Yeah, it's okay, but why didn't he just ask me?
SOOKIE: I think he's a little afraid of you.
LORELAI: Afraid of me? Of kitten? Was I really that mean?
SOOKIE: You were upset.
LORELAI: I was mean.
SOOKIE: You know Michel. He likes to dish it out, but he's extremely sensitive if you give it back.
LORELAI: Yeah. I guess.
SOOKIE: You can't even tease him. He never wore those red cowboy boots again.
LORELAI [cringes]: I remember.
SOOKIE: I'm sure he'll get over it. You know Michel.
LORELAI: Yeah. Hey, could you ask Eddie to get the Martins a car?
SOOKIE [nods]: You got it.
[Lorelai heads outside.]
DRAGONFLY INN - OUTSIDE
[Michel is walking around the motor home, followed by five or six people.]
MAN: What's the gas mileage like?
MICHEL: Hmm?
MAN: The gas mileage?
MICHEL: It's five thousand pounds of metal on wheels. I'm sure the mileage is fabulous.
MAN: Would you take twenty for it?
MICHEL: Twenty? But it's brand new, and - oh, whatever. Twenty, sure. You got a cheque?
LORELAI: Oh, whoa, whoa! [Sales voice.] Hi. What Michel means to say is that he would happily entertain all offers for this top-of-the-line streamlined beautiful motor home. I mean, look at it! I just may buy it myself.
MICHEL: What are you talking about?
WOMAN [to her husband]: Offer thirty.
LORELAI: Hey, has everyone seen inside this baby? 'Cause if you haven't, you need to. Seriously. [She lures them inside the motor home.] And while you're taking a look, please note the plush soil and stain resistant wall-to-wall wallpaper, that acts as the beautiful maple-ish paneling. Huh? Yeah.
[The last viewer steps inside.]
LORELAI [to Michel]: Twenty grand? You're just giving this thing away.
MICHEL: That's what I was told to do. I didn't know about the maple-ish paneling.
LORELAI: Michel, you can't sell this thing for twenty thousand dollars. What are you thinking?
MICHEL: Apparently I'm not. Apparently I never think. [He turns away.]
LORELAI: Okay, okay. I'm sorry.
MICHEL: Whatever.
LORELAI: Michel, I was just tense about the photo shoot and I said things I shouldn't have said. You know I didn't mean them, right?
MICHEL: I do not know that at all.
LORELAI: I think you do. I think you know this inn could not run without you. And I think you know I know this inn could not run without you.
MICHEL: What about your photo shoot? I ruined it for you, no?
LORELAI: We rescheduled the photo shoot. Everything's fine.
MICHEL: I could have told you they'd reschedule. Everything with you is so dramatic.
LORELAI [smiles]: So what are we going to do here?
MICHEL: Oh, well, I just want the thing gone.
LORELAI: Michel, you had one hundred thousand dollars flash in front of your face and the entire world saw it. Now come on, go get your money.
MICHEL: Well -
LORELAI: Seriously, Michel, the, uh, rube with the crossed eyes and the bolo tie, I say that's your man.
MICHEL: He does look stupid, doesn't he?
LORELAI: Yeah. And familiar with the, uh, ways of hooking up things to local sewer lines. Huh? Go get 'em!
MICHEL: Yes, I'll zero in on him. Worse comes to worst, the woman with the elastic waist jeans should be a nice backup.
LORELAI: Attaboy.
MICHEL: You know, if I hold out, maybe I can get a hundred and twenty thousand instead of -
LORELAI: Just sell the thing!
MICHEL: Right.
[SCENE_BREAK]
LORELAI'S HOUSE
[Lorelai stands in front of the mirror, wearing a slinky dress and looking rather unhappy. She picks up the phone. Scene cuts between here and Rory's dorm, where she is also getting ready for the evening.]
RORY: Well?
LORELAI: It's too sparkly.
RORY: It's not too sparkly.
LORELAI: I look like a chandelier.
RORY: What shoes are you wearing?
LORELAI: The pink pumps.
RORY: I like those.
LORELAI: Are they a little too 'Come and get it'?
RORY: Don't you want him to come and get it?
LORELAI: Uh, yes, but I want it to be his idea to come and get it. It's not the same if the shoes tell him to 'Come and get it'.
RORY: I really, really want to stop saying 'Come and get it'.
LORELAI: Fine.
RORY: I have to get ready.
LORELAI: Going out?
RORY: As a matter of fact, I have a date tonight.
LORELAI: Logan?
RORY: No, Robert.
LORELAI: Who's Robert?
RORY: He's a friend.
LORELAI: Have I met this Robert?
RORY: No, you have not met this Robert.
LORELAI: What's his last name?
RORY: Why? Do you think I'm making him up?
LORELAI: I just wondered if I ever heard you mention him before.
RORY: Um, he's just a guy I know at Yale, and there's a party tonight for another guy I know at Yale, and Robert [Pause] Grimmaldi asked me to go, so I am going to go.
LORELAI: So, does this mean it's over with Logan?
RORY: Nope. It just means that tonight I'm going out with Robert.
LORELAI [confused]: And you like this Robert, right?
RORY: Right. You know. The party's a Quentin Tarantino themed party, and you have to wear a costume, so I'm going as Gogo.
LORELAI: 'Cause you have the skirt.
RORY: And no other ideas.
LORELAI: Cluelessness is the mother of invention. Call me after.
RORY: I will do that.
LORELAI: Oh, this dress is too slutty.
RORY: The dress is fine. The person in it, however -
LORELAI [gasps]: You're breaking up, the, the house is going through a tunnel. You're breaking up, I - [She makes a crinkling sound with her throat, then hangs up.]
LORELAI'S HOUSE - LATER
[Luke gets out of his truck. He walks half way up the sidewalk, but Lorelai exits the house and meets him there.]
LUKE: Oh, I was just gonna -
LORELAI: I just heard the car, so I -
LUKE [points at the house]: No, but I always -
LORELAI: I know. Yeah, I know.
LUKE: No, I should've.
[There is an awkward pause. They are smiling at each other.]
LORELAI: 'Kay, this is stupid.
LUKE: Yes, it is.
LORELAI: It's not like we've never done this before.
LUKE: We have.
LORELAI: And successfully.
LUKE: I've made it to the door.
LORELAI: I've made it to the car.
[They both take a deep breath, still smiling.]
LORELAI: Hey.
LUKE: Hey.
[He puts his arm around her and they walk to the truck. Lorelai gets in, Luke closes her car door and walks around.]
LUKE: So I thought we'd go to Marino's. You like Marino's, right?
LORELAI: Mmm. [Her attention is on the C.D. in her hand. She looks baffled as she holds it up.] What is this?
LUKE: What?
LORELAI: Reggae Fever?
LUKE: So?
LORELAI: When did you buy this? Where did you buy this? Why did you buy this?
LUKE: I was at the gas station last week. It was at the register. What's the big deal?
LORELAI: The big deal is it's Reggae Fever.
LUKE: I know!
LORELAI: When you look in the mirror, do you see Reggae Fever?
LUKE: It was cheap.
LORELAI: 'Ja Glory' by Toots Bambada. 'Lively up Yourself' by the Family Zigzag, 'Let your Ya be Ya' by Ranking Roy. What else am I going to find in here? Ganja and a yellow, green and red knit cap?
LUKE: I bought a C.D. I didn't adopt the entire Rastafarian culture.
LORELAI: This is so weird. I mean, to think that there was this whole chunk of time when we weren't together. We were living totally separate lives. I was just working like crazy and you were running around, buying reggae C.D.'s.
LUKE: One C.D. One.
LORELAI [sighs]: I just hate that we were apart.
LUKE: Yeah, wasn't too fond of it myself.
LORELAI: Well, all I can say is, you're lucky I'm back in your life, because clearly you were lost without me. I mean, it's a miracle you're even still alive. Right?
LUKE: You bet.
[They smile. Luke starts the truck.]
Q.T. PARTY
[Rory and Robert walk in. Robert is wearing a white t-shirt covered in blood, and Rory is back in the Chilton uniform, dressed as Gogo Yubari. A girl walks by with a tray of shots. Robert grabs two.]
ROBERT: Not a moment too soon. [He offers one to Rory.]
RORY: Oh, no thanks. I think I'm going to try to get through the doorway first.
ROBERT: Huh, novel approach. You're going to be an interesting date.
[Finn joins them, dressed as Vincent Vega.]
FINN: Robert! What are you?
ROBERT: Dead extra number two.
FINN: Brilliant, my friend.
ROBERT: Happy birthday, Finn. You owe me forty dollars.
FINN: Well, maybe for my birthday you'll forgive me that. [Robert gives him a serious look. Finn pulls out his wallet.] Does your father have any idea what a toll his cross-dressing took on your psyche?
ROBERT: That was your father, Finn.
FINN: Ah, you're right. [He holds up his hands to display the painted fingernails.] My God, that explains a lot. Do I know you?
ROBERT: Rory Gilmore, Finn.
FINN: Pleasure to meet you. [Rory smiles awkwardly.] All right, children, drink and be merry, for tomorrow we will all be in a great deal of pain. [He takes the tray of shots from the girl who is walking past again.] Thank you, darling. Your name and phone number would also be appreciated. [She walks away. Finn winks and dances after her.]
RORY: Finn's quite an original.
ROBERT: Yes, he is. Have I told you I like your costume?
RORY: No, you didn't.
[She sees Logan on a couch with the Bride. His costume is Butch Coolidge. He smiles at Rory.]
ROBERT: All right. Did that count, or are you expecting me to say it again?
RORY: I think we're good.
[Cut over to Logan on the couch.]
LOGAN: Let's get a drink.
[They get up. Cut back to Rory and Robert. Colin, wearing a blond wig as Bill, joins them.]
RORY: Oh, hey, Colin. Where's your date?
COLIN: I went to go pick her up. She's dressed like Mira Sorvino.
ROBERT: How do you dress like Mira Sorvino?
COLIN: You have blonde hair and a name tag that says 'Mira Sorvino'. I just turned around and left.
LOGAN [joining the group]: Well, well, well. The gang's all here. Robert, good to see you.
ROBERT: Hello, Logan.
LOGAN: Rory, like the costume.
RORY: I like yours too.
LOGAN: This is Whitney. Whitney, Robert, Rory. You know Colin.
WHITNEY: Hi.
COLIN: Whitney, is your friend Josie here?
WHITNEY: Yeah, she's over there with the guy dressed like Harvey Weinstein.
COLIN: Perfect. I'll see you later.
WHITNEY: Leave her alone, Colin.
COLIN: Yes, yes. Of course. [He goes.]
LOGAN: So. Good party, huh?
ROBERT: Seems like it.
RORY: Music's cool.
LOGAN: Very cool. Well, we're just heading over to the bar, can we get you two anything?
ROBERT: No, we're just going to take a look around.
LOGAN: Okay, well, catch you later.
RORY: Sounds good. [They head in different directions.] Hey, Robert.
ROBERT: Yes.
RORY: What's your last name?
LUKE'S TRUCK
[Lorelai is playing with the swan-shaped leftovers. Reggae Fever is playing.]
LUKE: My God, turn that off!
LORELAI: Getting to you, huh?
LUKE: You keep playing the same song over and over and over.
[They get out of the truck.]
LORELAI: I've got news for you. That was not the same song.
LUKE: Oh my God, you're kidding.
[They hear a noise from inside Lorelai's garage.]
LUKE: What was that?
LORELAI: I don't know.
LUKE: Sounds like it came from the garage.
LORELAI: There's someone in my garage?
[They head over to find out what it is. Luke picks up a shovel.]
LORELAI: Huh. Weird time for gardening, isn't it?
LUKE: It could be like a raccoon.
LORELAI: Oh, hey, don't shovel the raccoon.
LUKE: Just stay back, will you?
LORELAI: No, Luke! You can't hurt a raccoon. They're cute. They have face masks like little furry burglars.
LUKE: And sharp teeth that chew through your wiring, and rabies -
LORELAI: Luke.
LUKE: I'm not going to hit it, I'm going to scare it.
LORELAI: Hey! Why don't you play it your Reggae Fever.
[Luke pushes around her and into the garage. Lorelai follows him.]
LORELAI [whispering]: Do you see it?
LUKE: Sh! [He listens for a moment.] That's one hell of a raccoon.
LORELAI: Shovel him. Shovel him! Shovel him!
[Luke turns on the light. Kirk is asleep in the boat. He has a blanket barely covering his body.]
LORELAI: I probably should be more surprised than I am, right?
[Luke bangs on the side of the boat with the shovel.]
LUKE: Kirk! Wake up.
[Kirk stretches and sits up.]
LORELAI: And he's naked. [She holds up her hand, Luke turns away.]
LUKE: Oh, Kirk! Geez!
KIRK: Where am I?
LORELAI: You're in my house, Kirk.
LUKE: You're in my boat, Kirk.
KIRK: I'm exposed.
LORELAI: We know, Kirk.
LUKE: Yeah, let's do something about that, huh, Kirk?
KIRK [wrapping himself in the blanket]: I'm good now.
[Luke and Lorelai turn to face him. Lorelai leans on the edge of the boat.]
LORELAI [calmly]: Kirk. Whatcha doin' here?
KIRK: I left Mother's.
LORELAI: No, did you have a fight? Did she take away your Beach Boys album again?
KIRK: No, I just got so excited about the thought of a new life, you know? Of striking out on my own and being my own man. Right, Luke?
LORELAI: Right, Luke?
KIRK: So I did it. I packed my clothes and I gave my mother my key and I said good bye and I left.
LORELAI: Aw, Kirk. That's a big deal, you leaving like that.
KIRK: I know it is. But Luke explained to me that if I really want to move to the next level with Lulu and have a real, grownup relationship, with sleepovers and everything, then I had to get out.
LUKE: I don't think that's exactly what I said.
KIRK: Oh, yes, it was. And I felt really good about it, until I realized that I had no place to go. I probably should have found an apartment first.
LUKE: Probably.
LORELAI: You can stay in Rory's room.
KIRK: Really?
LUKE: Really?
LORELAI: Just for tonight. We'll find you some place tomorrow.
KIRK: Okay.
[He gets up to go inside.]
KIRK: You know, I think you've got a raccoon in here.
LORELAI: Just go on in the house, Kirk. [He goes. She turns to Luke.] What were you thinking?
LUKE: Kirk was at the diner talking about how he wished how he and Lulu had what we have, and I just mentioned -
LORELAI: Are you insane? Everybody knows you can't mention anything to Kirk.
LUKE: I was cornered. I was tired. I wanted to go to sleep.
LORELAI: Well, now we have to go in there and take care of him. He is now our responsibility.
LUKE: But -
LORELAI: Uh, uh! Pottery Barn, baby. You break it, you buy it.
LUKE: Ah, geez.
[Lorelai goes inside.]
Q.T. PARTY
[The party is in full swing. Rory and Robert are standing at a table.]
ROBERT: My entire goal in life is to outlive my brother, inherit the family fortune, put all my sisters out on the street and live as frivolously as possible, have numerous wives, thousands of illegitimate children and die completely alone and leave every cent to a parrot named Polly.
RORY: That's your entire goal in life.
ROBERT: Except for the name of the parrot, I stick to everything I just said.
RORY: You're a fascinating specimen, Robert.
COLIN [joining them]: Well, Josie's a lesbian.
RORY: You struck out, Colin?
COLIN: Whatever. Is Lydia here?
ROBERT: Yeah, she's here with Patrick, her fiancé.
COLIN: God, I hate these stupid incestuous parties! It's the same people over and over.
[Finn comes up from behind and puts his arm around Colin.]
FINN: Who's as drunk as I am?
COLIN: No one since Spencer Tracy died. Finn, are there any interesting women here at all?
FINN: Have you tried Josie?
COLIN: I'm getting a drink.
FINN: All righty. I have to go make the rounds. [To Rory] Have I met you yet?
RORY: Several times.
FINN: All right then. [He leaves.]
ROBERT: So, how about that drink?
RORY: Nothing too strong?
ROBERT: I'll see what I can do. [He leaves her alone at the table. Logan approaches her.]
LOGAN: Hey, Ace. Having a good time?
RORY: I am, thanks.
LOGAN: Good. That's good. Me, too. I'm having a good time too.
RORY: Good.
LOGAN: Yes, it is good. [He takes a drink.] So I didn't know you knew Robert.
RORY: I met him at the Life and Death Brigade gathering. And the poker game.
LOGAN: Oh. Right, right. Well, he must have made quite an impression.
RORY: He just asked me out, is all.
LOGAN: Sure. [Takes another drink.] He's kind of a jerk.
RORY: Excuse me?
LOGAN: Robert. He's kind of a jerk. Haven't you noticed he's kind of a jerk?
RORY: Nope.
LOGAN: Huh. [Drinks.] Night's young. Okay, come on.
RORY: Where are we going? Logan!
[He grabs her wrist and pulls her into a corner.]
LOGAN: You look great.
RORY: Thank you.
[He kisses her forcefully. After a moment, she pushes him away.]
RORY: Logan, stop.
LOGAN: Right, so, how you been?
RORY: I've been fine.
LOGAN: Good. School's good?
RORY: School's hard.
LOGAN: Well, it's supposed to be hard. It's grounding you for life.
[They kiss.]
LOGAN: Making you an upstanding citizen.
[They kiss.
RORY: God-fearing Christian.
LOGAN: Habitual recycler.
[They kiss. Rory stops him.]
RORY: We can't do this here, Logan.
LOGAN: You're right. Let's go.
RORY: Go where?
LOGAN: Your place. My place. Let's take a train to New York, spend the night in the Plaza.
RORY: We can't just leave. We have dates.
LOGAN: I don't like this.
RORY: Like what?
LOGAN: You here with Robert.
RORY: You're here with Whitney.
LOGAN: I know!
RORY: So, what's the problem?
LOGAN: The problem is you're here with Robert and it's bothering me, and I don't like that it's bothering me.
RORY: Sorry. Do you want us to leave?
LOGAN: No, I want us to leave. You and me.
RORY: I can't do that.
LOGAN: Oh, you want to spend the rest of the night with Robert instead of me?
RORY: I came here with Robert.
LOGAN: So dump Robert! I hate Robert!
RORY: He's your friend!
LOGAN: So what? I still hate him.
RORY: Logan, you're the one who said -
LOGAN: I know what I said.
RORY: Okay, then. I have to go. I have a date. Enjoy the rest of the party.
[She crosses the room. Finn's Vincent has found his Mia and they are dancing up a storm in the middle of the dance floor.]
LORELAI'S HOUSE
[Luke and Lorelai are hanging out in the kitchen.]
LUKE: There's nothing in here but ice cream, candy bars, cookie dough, canned frosting. Why are you not four hundred and fifty pounds? [He puts a liter of ice cream on the table.]
LORELAI: I know. Scientists call it the Lorelai Paradox.
LUKE: Who are you calling?
LORELAI: No one. Just seeing if Rory left a message.
[Luke sets two bowls on the table.]
LORELAI: Who's washing those?
[Luke puts the bowls away.]
LUKE: Why, was she supposed to leave a message?
LORELAI: No, I was just hoping.
[He puts two spoons on the table.]
LORELAI: Are we out of plastic?
[Luke goes back to the drawer.]
LUKE: Why were you hoping? Everything okay with her?
LORELAI: Yeah, she just had a date tonight. Get four, those tend to break.
[Luke gets up again.]
LUKE: Okay. Uh, she out with that Logan kid?
LORELAI: No. Robert.
LUKE: Who's Robert?
LORELAI: I know nothing about him except his last name is Grimmaldi.
LUKE: When did she break up with Logan?
LORELAI: She didn't.
LUKE: I don't understand.
LORELAI: It's college.
LUKE: What does that mean?
LORELAI: It means, butt out, back off, none of your business.
LUKE: Oh.
LORELAI: Rory suddenly decided she's dating girl.
LUKE: Well, that's okay, right? Isn't that what kids are supposed to do?
LORELAI: It's just, it's not Rory. I don't think it's what is going to make her happy. It seems wrong for her.
LUKE: You say something to her?
LORELAI: No. I mean, she's been so chatty lately, wanting to be able to talk about Logan and her life, so now I just don't know what to do.
LUKE: You talk back.
LORELAI: I am, but I just feel like I need to be really careful what I say.
LUKE: Oh, come on. That's ridiculous.
LORELAI: Well, she's not at home anymore. She' s on her own.
LUKE: Doesn't matter.
LORELAI: It matters a little. You know, there have been very few times in our relationship when I ever played the 'mom card'. But I always had it there in my back pocket. And when I used it she had to hear it and take it, 'cause she lived here. And even if she didn't like it or even if she got mad, the worst that would happen is she would run into her room and slam the door and blast the Jam. But then in the morning, I controlled the bathroom, and the, and the Pop-tarts, and she had to deal with me. And eventually we'd make up and it was over. But now -
LUKE: Nothing's different.
LORELAI: Of course it is. It's different. She's on her own. She's making her own decisions. My 'mom card' is looking a little flimsier, and I don't know how much to say to her. If she doesn't want to hear it, she doesn't have to take it. She doesn't have to call, or come home.
LUKE: She'll call. She'll come home.
[Kirk, wrapped in his Superman blanket, comes out of Rory's bedroom, presumably looking for the bathroom.]
LORELAI: Yeah. I hope so. I don't know. [They hear a door open.] Did we lock the front door?
LUKE: I'll be right back. [He gets up.] Kirk! Get back here, Kirk!
LUKE'S DINER
[Emily enters, furious.]
EMILY: What on earth is wrong with you, besides the obvious lack of fashion sense?
LUKE: What are you -
EMILY: I told you to get back together with Lorelai! I told you exactly what to do and exactly what to say. What do you need, a cheat sheet?
LUKE: Emily -
EMILY: Some flash cards, some Sesame Street characters to sing a song about it?
LUKE: Look!
EMILY: Do you think that it was easy for me to come to you like that? Do you think I enjoyed it? Like I was just sitting around my house thinking, hmm, what shall I do tonight? I know. I can drive to Stars Hollow and humiliate myself at the local greasy spoon!
LUKE: Okay, I am in the middle of -
EMILY: I don't care what you're in the middle of! My family is being torn apart because for some reason you are incapable of taking simple instructions and putting your relationship back together! [As she is talking, Luke takes his cell phone out of his pocket, presses a button and sets it on the counter.]
STARS HOLLOW
[Down the street, Lorelai's phone rings.]
LORELAI: Hello?
EMILY: Just because you run a diner and have mastered the art of the blank stare does not mean it's going to work with me!
[Lorelai looks around, confused, then gets it.]
LORELAI: Ah -
[She runs to the diner.]
LUKE'S DINER
[Lorelai rushes in. Emily is still screeching at Luke]
EMILY: And Richard went through a great deal of trouble to set the whole thing up, and you never even called Herb Smith! Apparently, you can't follow through with anything! Not even a razor!
LORELAI: Mom, what are you doing here?
EMILY: I am having what I'm sure will turn out to be yet another fruitless conversation with this man.
LORELAI [to Luke]: I'm sorry. I'm really, really sorry.
LUKE: It's okay.
LORELAI: Mom, go home. You have no right to barge in here and cause a scene.
EMILY: I have something I want to say.
LORELAI: No! We don't want to hear what you have to say! We just want you to please butt out of our lives!
EMILY: Our lives? [She looks at Luke] So there's an 'our lives'? Are you two back together?
LORELAI: Yes, we are.
EMILY [smiles at Luke]: So you did go to her. Just like I told you to.
LUKE: We got back together because we wanted to get back together.
EMILY [turns back to Lorelai[: Then I simply don't understand. If you're together, then what's the problem?
LORELAI: What are you talking about?
EMILY: Why won't you come to Friday dinner? Whatever happened between the two of you, I obviously fixed it, so -
LORELAI: You fixed it? You broke it! Just because Luke and I found a way to repair the damage doesn't erase the fact that it happened!
EMILY: What I did I did out of concern.
LORELAI: Oh, please!
EMILY: As your mother, I have the right to be concerned. Especially when it looks like you're taking your life down a completely disastrous path. I had to jump in, and -
LORELAI [growling]: Mom!
EMILY [shocked]: Lorelai!
LORELAI: Please hear me. If I want your input in my life in any way, shape or form, I will ask for it. Until then, do us all a favor and shut up!
[Emily, stunned, looks at her daughter for a moment, then turns and walks out the door.]
LUKE: Well, I gotta say, suddenly a big fan of speed-dial.
[Lorelai, drained and obviously shocked at what just happened, sits on the stool. Luke squeezes her hand and leaves her alone.]
DRAGONFLY INN
[Lorelai's cell phone rings. Scene cuts between the inn and Rory's dorm.]
LORELAI: Hey, kid, what's going on?
RORY: I just got a call from Kirk. He wanted to know if he could crash at my dorm.
LORELAI: Ho, boy.
RORY: How did he get my number?
LORELAI: Oh, he probably got it off the fridge.
RORY: Okay. And what was Kirk doing near our fridge?
LORELAI: It's a long story.
RORY: Okay, well, tell me later. I want to hear how the back-together date went.
LORELAI: It was very successful.
RORY: Did he like the dress?
LORELAI: The dress was a hit.
RORY: I told you.
LORELAI: And, um, how was your, uh, date with Robert?
RORY: Completely insane. You won't believe the evening I had.
LORELAI: Oh, tell me.
RORY: So Robert and I get to the party, and Logan was there, and at first everything was completely cas, and then as the evening went on, he got more and more jealous.
LORELAI: Huh, really?
RORY: Oh yeah. He wanted me to leave with him, blow off Robert.
LORELAI [shocked]: And did you?
RORY: No, of course not. I told him that I came with Robert and I was leaving with Robert, and I walked away, and it was great.
LORELAI: Sounds great.
RORY: And since then, by the way, Logan has called twice today, we're going out tonight, and we've already made plans for this week. Complete and total turn-around.
LORELAI: Wow. Well, sounds like all the balls are in your court. Or, well, you know what I mean.
RORY: You okay? You sound down.
LORELAI: No, no, no. I'm fine. So what are you going to wear tonight?
RORY: Oh, I thought I'd go with the twenty-minute sweater.
LORELAI: Oh, cute. Cute.
[Michel walks by, talking on the inn's cordless.]
MICHEL: The answer is no. Look, Jerry. I sold you the motor home. It is now yours. I'm a very busy man. I do not have time for this. [Pause.] All right. For twenty dollars I will measure the shower for you. [He goes outside.] No, that is on top of the forty for the cupboard space and the pull-out table. Well, I'm sorry if you're feeling ripped off. I can call Elastic Pants Lady and see if she'd like to take the motor home off your hands. [Pause.] I thought so. Hold on.
[He opens the door on the side of the motor home. He gets in and pulls a measuring tape out of his pocket. He walks toward the back end. Kirk is asleep, naked, in the bed. Michel sighs, glares, and leaves.]
____________________END_______________________ | Plan: A: the diner; Q: Where can Lorelai go now that she and Luke are back together? A: Logan; Q: Who is Rory dating? A: another girl; Q: What does Rory see Logan with while they are shopping in New Haven? A: downtown New Haven; Q: Where did Rory and Lorelai see Logan with another girl? A: Robert; Q: Who does Rory go to Finn's birthday party with? A: Emily; Q: Who gave Luke instructions to get back together with Lorelai? A: Friday dinner; Q: When does Rory show up to dinner with Emily and Richard? Summary: Now that Luke and Lorelai are back together, Lorelai can come into the diner. They make a date to celebrate getting back together. Rory and Logan are still dating, however not exclusively. Rory and Lorelai see him with another girl while they are shopping in downtown New Haven, but when Rory goes to Finn's birthday party with Robert, Logan gets jealous. Emily and Richard assume that since Emily gave instructions to Luke to get back together with Lorelai everything must be all set now. However, they are surprised to see only Rory show up for Friday dinner. |
[Scene: The School Cafeteria. Joey is sitting at a table alone when she notices Jen walking in carrying some books. She waves to Jen. Jen sees her and begins walking over to her.]
Jen: Ugh.
Joey: Uhh. Nice dramatic entrance.
Jen: I aim to please. Thanks.
Joey: Wow... are these all the colleges you got into?
Jen: Well, the colleges that Jack and I both got accepted to. Now, all we have to do is narrow down the choices.
Joey: There's, like, 5 colleges there.
Jen: What can I say? He's really good at the application process, which means he can always resort to a career in civil service or education. So, how about you? You hear anything?
Joey: No. Which means I can always resort to a career in waitressing.
Jen: Hardly.
[Someone walks up and hand Joey a note that says come to the administration office and call home.]
Jen: Hmm. Something tells me you're wrong.
[Scene: Inside a classroom. Dawson has just received the same kind of note that Joey received, and Jack looks over from the desk next to him and reads it.]
Jack: Something tells me it's a sign.
Dawson: You think?
Jack: Well, would there be another reason to pull the respectable Dawson leery out of class? I think not.
[Scene: The Administration office. Joey is in there waiting for the secretary when Dawson walks in. There is a boy on the phone and he hangs up and walks out of the office with a disappointed look on his face.]
Dawson: Hey. This is a coincidence.
Joey: Hopefully a good one.
Secretary: I'll be glad when April's over. Parents should let you kids open your own college mail instead of torturing you over the phone. [The secretary pushes a phone over to each of them] Dial 9 to get out.
Dawson: Well, I guess this is it. Another life-altering moment. Good luck.
Joey: Same to you.
[The both pick up the phone in front of them and dial home.]
Dawson: Mom. Hey. Yeah, that's why I called. N.Y.U. Film? Open it.
Joey: Hey, Bessie. No, I'm glad that you called. Finally came. Well, I don't think I can wait till I get home. Do you think you can read it to me?
Dawson: Mom, could you read that again? I don't think I understood.
Joey: No, it doesn't. It really says that? Oh, my god. Yeah.
Dawson: No, I heard you. Yeah. I understand. All right. Gotta go.
[Joey is on the phone with a smile on her face, but Dawson doesn't look to happy when he hangs up the phone..]
[Opening Credits]
[Scene: The School Hallway. Joey and Dawson are walking out of the Admin office together.]
Joey: Are you sure there's nothing I can do?
Dawson: Joey, stop it. I'm ok.
Joey: Well, it's just if the circumstances were reversed, I know how I'd feel.
Dawson: You'd be happy for me, like I am for you.
[Pacey comes up to them.]
Pacey: Hey, what's up, campers? Ok, we got some weird chi going on here.
Dawson: Yeah, well I'll let her give you the good news. I gotta get to class. Promise me you'll celebrate.
[Dawson leaves them.]
Pacey: So, what's the good news?
Joey: Well, we both just called home, and while he found out he got rejected by N.Y.U., I found out that I got accepted to worthy.
Pacey: Worthington. Oh, you got in! Ha ha ha! Congratulations, sweetheart. This is fantastic news. Oh, come on. Be happy. You heard the man. You got nothing to feel guilty about here.
Joey: Well, it's just so surreal. I mean, stuff like this doesn't happen to me.
Pacey: Come on.
[He grabs her arm and begins leading her down the hall.]
Joey: Where are we going? We still have sixth period.
Pacey: Well, with all due respect to Mr. Ringler's history class, today is about the future, your future. And I have this funny feeling you're not gonna believe that letter until you see it.
Joey: Pacey, I can't just cut class.
Pacey: Oh, you're not gonna get into college? Please.
[Scene: School AV room. Jack is sitting at a table with tons of College Pamphlets and videos on it and Jen stands up and holds one of the videos in her hand.]
Jack: No. No, no, no, no. I'm not watching that video again, Jen. It's too handheld. It's gonna make me hurl. But I do like the one with the queeny professor that's talking about the history of the statue of Liberty.
Jen: You laughed through the whole thing. Jack, come on, be serious. All right. We've got a lot of schools to cover, and we need to make an informed decision here, so... ok. So, why don't we do this systematically?
Jack: Jen, I don't even know why we're wasting our time with this. We both know there is only one choice, right? The University of New York. What? It's a great school, and you're the one that's always saying that New York is the only city worth living in. So, please can we just do this?
Jen: Well, what would you say if I said that I... that I wasn't so sure anymore?
Jack: I'd say... someone needs to deal with their issues.
[Scene: The Potter B&B. Bodie is at the refrigerator calling out a list of items to Bessie who is trying to write it all down.]
Bodie: 20 pounds of chicken, fresh rosemary, honey, orange juice
Bessie: Bodie, slow down. You're talking too fast.
[Joey and Pacey some into the B&B.]
Joey: What are you guys doing?
Bessie: Jo, I am so proud of you. And mom would be, too.
Bodie: Do I get a hug from the college girl?
[Joey goes over and gives him a hug.]
Bessie: Hey, what are you doing home so early?
Pacey: Well, she's having a bit of trouble with the believing part. You wouldn't happen to have a certain letter handy, would you?
Bodie: I think I can dig that up.
[Bodie leaves to get the letter.]
Joey: So, uh... did we interrupt something?
Bessie: Only the barbecue we're planning for tomorrow to celebrate the first Potter to get into college. Could I actually be more excited than you are?
Joey: Not possible.
Bessie: Ok, then. So, who do you want to invite?
Joey: You're really serious.
Bessie: It's not every day that a Potter gets accepted to one of the most prestigious colleges in the country. Or any college for that matter.
[Bodie returns and hands her the letter.]
Pacey: Well, what are you waiting for?
Joey: Well, Bessie already read it to me. I know what it says already. Don't know why I'm so nervous.
Pacey: You're nervous because this makes it real.
Joey: [Clears throat] "Dear Josephine Potter..." "Congratulations. "Worthington College is pleased to offer you admittance for the fall semester of 2001."
[Scene: The Dawson House. The Doorbell rings and Dawson comes down the stairs and tries to stop his very pregnant mother from straining herself and answering the door.]
[Doorbell rings]
Dawson: I got it. I said I've got it. You shouldn't be running around answering doors anyway in your condition. Relax. Go knit something. And stop giving me the pitying-mom look, like the worst thing in the world has happened to me. It's one school.
Gale: Honey, I just wish there was something I could do to take the sting off the disappointment.
Dawson: Mom, I'm fine. Really.
[Dawson opens the door and Gretchen is outside.]
Dawson: Hey.
Gretchen: Hey.
[Gretchen Kisses him and then notices Gale after a couple of seconds.]
Gretchen: Hey. Hi, gale.
Gale: Hi. I'm glad the two of you are going out. He needs to get his mind
Dawson: God, mom. Just stop it. You're killing me here.
Gale: Ok.
[Gale goes back into the kitchen.]
Dawson: [Small groan]
Gretchen: So, how are you holding up? Honestly?
Dawson: The truth? It sucks. It absolutely sucks. I mean, if N.Y.U. Doesn't want me, U.S.C.'S definitely not gonna want me, and where does that leave me?
Gretchen: Whoa. No. First of all, N.Y.U. Has no bearing on U.S.C. Remember that. And secondly, I'd like to point out that a certain A.I. Brooks didn't go to film school. He preferred life as a teacher.
Dawson: You're saying I could use the money he gave me to make my own movies?
Gretchen: Why not? I mean, film school doesn't have to be the be-all, end-all. [Dawson gets a big smile on his face.] What?
Dawson: 10 minutes ago, I was feeling completely lost. I mean, Jack and Jen got into just about everywhere they applied, Joey got into Worthington, and all I wanted to do was wallow. But then somebody reminded me that the world is full of possibilities.
[Scene: Tom Frost's Office. Jen is fidgeting on the Couch while Tom watches her.]
Jen: [Sighs]
Tom: You and that couch have always gotten along well in the past. You want to talk about it?
Jen: I'm having a problem with jack. Um... you see, we both want to go to the same college or at least be in the same city and help each other through freshman angst and all.
Tom: Sounds like a plan. A support system's always good, especially if you're in foreign surroundings.
Jen: See, that's the point. They wouldn't be foreign if we go where he wants to go.
Tom: Which is where?
Jen: New York City.
Tom: Which brings us back to your least favorite topic.
Jen: My parents?
Tom: Why do you think, Jen, that they keep finding their way into this room?
Jen: That sounds suspiciously like a question you already know the answer to.
Tom: I think you do, also.
Jen: You know what? You're very pushy today.
Tom: It's Wednesday. I'm kinda pushy on Wednesdays. Fridays, I'm not so pushy.
Jen: You're trying to make me laugh, aren't you?
Tom: I'm trying to figure out why you don't talk about your parents with the same wry sense of humor you seem to apply to every other topic.
Jen: Why?
Tom: Because maybe then we'll get some real answers in here. When was the last time you actually talked to them?
Jen: My mom came down last Thanksgiving... in a pathetic attempt to resuscitate our relationship.
Tom: And your father?
Jen: I don't know. Um... I don't know. Um... god. I mean, it's not like I ever really talked to the man in the first place. He just sort of... he just kinda talks at you or, um... through you or around you.
Tom: Try to remember, Jen.
Jen: This is stupid.
Tom: Pretend like it's not. For me.
Jen: Why? So, then you'll tell me the point of remembering some ridiculous conversation that obviously meant nothing to me at the time.
Tom: Perhaps it did mean nothing to you at the time, but obviously it means a great deal to you now.
Jen: You know what? I want to leave.
Tom: Do you? Or do you want to stay and find out why this is so hard for you?
[Scene: Outside the Potter B&B. Joey and Pacey are unloading the truck. Joey is holding a bag, as Pacey struggles with 2 large bags of charcoal.]
Pacey: You know, Bodie's gotta stop buying in bulk. You got 11 people coming over. We got enough charcoal here to barbecue through Labor Day.
Joey: You need some help?
Pacey: And risk my bumbling superhero status? No, thank you.
Joey: Pace... look. I know that we haven't really discussed us yet. I'm still trying to process this whole college thing. You know, it's... kinda weird to get your dream.
Pacey: I know it. I say that every time I look at you.
Joey: You always do that. You change the subject.
Pacey: Joey, we're not talking about this today, because we're not talking about anything negative today, because today is your day to celebrate this most amazing accomplishment that you have worked so hard for. Ok. I'm gonna go to the garage and get a dolly before I give myself a hernia. So, I'll see you inside.
[Scene: Inside the Potter B&B. Joey comes in with the bag of groceries and some mail. She notices a letter from the bursars office, and opens it.]
Bessie: You're back. It looks like everyone RSVP'd. [Joey is looking disappointedly at the letter.] Jo, what's wrong?
Joey: I got the financial aid package.
Bessie: And? How much is a full ride?
Joey: I wouldn't know. According to this, Worthington is happy to have me so long as my parents kick in $15,000.
Bessie: $15,000?! That can't be right. We don't have that kind of money.
Joey: I know that. I knew this was too good to be true. It's the universe's way of saying, "Joey Potter, not so fast. You're not going anywhere."
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Scene: The Bursar's Office. Joey and Bessie are there talking with the Secretary about the financial aide.]
Joey: So, what you're saying is that we're being penalized because our family business is actually making money. If it weren't, then we would qualify for more aid.
Secretary: Unfortunately, yes.
Joey: We turned a profit for the first time, but it wasn't like we won the lottery.
Secretary: But you made substantially more than your 1999 return.
Joey: Yeah, but we have more debt than we did in 1999. I mean, it costs a lot of money to open a B and B. How can they think that we can afford $15,000? Based on one year's income?
Secretary: I didn't say that the system was fair, Joey.
Joey: This is unbelievable. I... should've applied for more scholarships, but it's too late now.
Secretary: Look, I know that we've talked about his before, Joey, but there are student loans. Nearly everyone these days borrows some money to pay for college.
Joey: No, I don't want to graduate and be over $60,000 in debt. I can't start off my life that way. I won't. It doesn't make sense. There are plenty of other places I'm waiting to hear from.
Bessie: But this is your dream, Joey.
Joey: Bessie... sometimes dreams don't always come true. Thank you for your time.
[Scene: Outside the Potter B&B. Joey and Bessie pull up and notice Dawson getting something out of his jeep.]
Bessie: The barbecue? That's the last thing you need. I'll send everyone home.
Joey: No. Look, you're not sending them anywhere.
Bessie: Jo
Joey: and you're not telling them anything, Bessie. I'm serious. Not a word.
[Joey and Bessie get out of the truck.]
Dawson: Hey, there, stranger. I was starting to think you might miss your own party.
[Dawson shows her a cake he brought that says Congratulations.]
Joey: No such luck.
Dawson: Huh?
Bessie: Hey, Dawson.
Dawson: Hey, Bessie.
Bessie: Why don't I take that from you? I'm going in anyway.
Dawson: Oh, thanks.
Joey: So, where is everybody?
Dawson: They're out back. Gretchen got dragged into the whole New York debate. I would've jumped in, but, you know, since New York didn't want to have anything to do with me... [Joey doesn't react.] Joey, that was a self-deprecating aside. You're still doing it.
Joey: Doing what?
Dawson: Acting weird around me. You've no reason to not be happy right now.
Joey: I know.
Dawson: How'd it go with ms. Watson? Pacey said something about a mix-up.
Joey: Oh, it was nothing. It was... it was great. You know, I'm gonna go inside and see if they need any help, and I'll meet you guys out back.
Dawson: Sure thing.
[Scene: Inside the Potter B&B. Pacey walks into the kitchen and notices Joey there. He walks over to her.]
Pacey: Hey... how'd it go? [Sees the disappointed look on her face.] Oh, it was that good, huh?
Joey: Bessie didn't tell you the cruel irony? This place is making too much money, so I'm screwed.
Pacey: Well, that's ridiculous. There's gotta be something you can do about that.
Joey: There's nothing to be done. Except go out there and celebrate this amazing accomplishment that I worked so hard for.
Pacey: Hey, hold on a second, Jo.
Joey: Why? Pacey, there's nothing that you can say or do that can change what happened. It is what it is. No one can change that.
Pacey: So, what are you gonna tell all them?
Joey: Nothing. Look, I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me, ok?
[Scene: Outside the Potter B&B. Jack, Jen, Dawson and Gretchen are sitting at the Picnic Table when Joey comes out to join them.]
Jack: Public transportation, come on! Admit that's a huge plus.
Jen: Yeah, spoken like somebody who's never been groped on the subway before.
Gretchen: I hate New York.
Dawson: Ah, spoken like a very loyal girlfriend.
Jen: Oh, this is unbelieva...
[Jen notices Joey.]
Jack: Hey! The guest of honor. Get a drink.
Jen: All right, I'd like to propose a toast. To Joey potter, may Worthington be worthy of her.
Dawson: Cheers.
Jack: So, you're just in time to settle the debate.
Joey: Oh, no, no. I'm not getting in the middle of this.
Gretchen: I should've said that. [Sees Pacey walk by with a weird look on his face.] Um...I'm gonna go help Pacey. Otherwise the food will still be alive when he serves it.
Dawson: Ok.
[Gretchen leaves to join Pacey.]
Jen: All you have to do is tell him that New York sucks.
Jack: No, hold on. You cannot tell me that New York sucks. Especially after telling me how great it is for 2 years.
Jen: Well, if I'm telling you now that it sucks, shouldn't you listen to me? You know, you've really grown insensitive post your college acceptance.
Jack: Insensitive to what?
Jen: To me and my... my... my sensitivities.
Jack: Sensitivities? Are you guys catching this?
Jen: Ok, that's exactly what I'm talking about-- making fun of me in front of everybody. You never used to do that.
Jack: Yeah, well, you never used to act like a lunatic, either.
Jen: This lunatic's getting a burger.
Jack: You don't even eat burgers.
Jen: I said I was gonna get it, not eat it.
[Scene: The Barbeque pit. Pacey is grilling up some burgers when Gretchen joins him.]
Gretchen: You ok? With all this talk about college, I thought you might feel, well...
Pacey: Well-done? Don't worry. I'm very aware of the health hazards of cooking hamburgers.
Gretchen: You're not gonna fool me with that, Pacey.
Pacey: With what?
Gretchen: With that Pacey-ness. Look, I know you're happy for her, but it makes you think about the future, right?
Pacey: Well, no. It makes me think about her future. We don't even have to think about my future, because I don't really have one to think of.
Gretchen: You're the only one that believes that, Pacey, and if you keep saying it, it'll happen. Have you thought about what you're gonna do? I mean, what do you want for the future?
Pacey: What do you want for the future?
Gretchen: Sorry. As your sister, I reserve the right to play the I-asked-you-first card.
Pacey: Hey, look. You promise not to repeat what I'm about to say?
Gretchen: Yeah. Sure. What is it?
Pacey: Joey's not going to Worthington. They denied her financial aid package. She's just to proud to tell anybody about it.
Gretchen: That's awful.
Pacey: Yeah. And it gets worse, actually.
Gretchen: How can it?
Pacey: I think I'm happy about it.
[Scene: The docks outside the Potter B&B. Jen is sitting on it when Jack walks up to join her.]
Jack: [Sighs] Ok. You wanna tell me what this is really about? I think we both know it's more than my alleged lack of sensitivity.
Jen: You know how when you moved in with me and Grams, you said that you didn't want to go home because you didn't feel like there was anything there for you?
Jack: Yeah.
Jen: Well, that's how I feel about New York.
Jack: I know you have problems with your parents, Jen, but it's not like you'd be living with them. Don't let that stop you from going.
Jen: Uhh. I don't know. I wish I could explain this to you, but...it doesn't make any sense. I'm afraid... to go back there.
Jack: I thought you were gonna talk to Frost about this?
Jen: Yeah, he tried. I just changed the subject to one of my other neurosis.
Jack: Well, it's therapy, Jen. I think it's like the one place you're not supposed to change the subject.
Jen: Then can I change it here? Please?
Jack: If you don't wanna go to New York, we don't have to go to New York.
Jen: Jack...
Jack: No, it's more important to me that we go to school together. Look, whatever this old wound of yours is, I mean, don't let it stop us from going. You've come too far for that. Now, be a good little psychologically damaged child, go back to therapy, and work this out.
Jen: See? Insensitive.
Jack: Oh, come on. I'm kidding.
[Scene: The Picnic table. Joey, Dawson, Pacey, Joey, Bodie and Bessie are all sitting at the table when Mitch and Gale come walking up to join them.]
Dawson: Hey, there you are. What's going on?
Mitch: Joey, congratulations.
Gale: Honey, we are so happy for you.
Joey: Thank you.
Gale: And you. I think you've been waiting for this.
[Gale hands Dawson a Large Envelope.]
Dawson: It came. It actually came.
Gretchen: Aren't you gonna open it?
Dawson: Yeah. It's... [Nervous laugh] It's s... it's a fat envelope. That paints a better picture than yesterday, right?
[He opens it and a large smile comes over his face.]
Dawson: I'm in. [Laughing] I'm in!
Gretchen: Congratulations.
Dawson: I can't believe it's happening!
Gretchen: It's what you always wanted.
Gale: Come here.
Dawson: Ohh!
Mitch: We are so proud of you, son.
[Joey gets up and leaves and Pacey stands up and shakes his hand.]
Pacey: Congratulations, Dawson. I'm happy for you, man.
Dawson: Where's Joey?
[Scene: Inside the Potter B&B. Joey is inside sitting in a chair crying when Dawson comes in and notices her crying.]
Dawson: You ok?
[Joey tries to wipe the tears from her eyes.]
Joey: Oh, yeah. Um... congratulations.
Dawson: Congratulations? Jo, you're a wreck.
Joey: It's nothing. I'm fine.
Dawson: Jo, whatever it is, you can tell me.
Joey: Dawson, we're here to celebrate. You got into U.S.C. It's what you've always wanted.
Dawson: That's right, and Worthington is what you always wanted, so why don't you just tell me what's wrong? Did you not get in? Did you get wait-listed?
Joey: I didn't get the money. At least, I didn't get enough of it. I got my financial aid package, and even with grants and work-study, they still want $15,000.
Dawson: $15,000?
Joey: They think that's what Bessie can contribute, which she can't, so...
Dawson: Joey, there's got to be a way around this. Its just money. You can't let that stop you from achieving something you've worked this hard for.
Joey: You make it sound like there's some easy answer.
Dawson: There's got to be.
Joey: There's not. I spent hours doing research even before I applied, and getting the financial aid was as important as me getting accepted. It didn't happen. Just didn't.
[Dawson is silent for a second staring at her, then a small smile comes across his face.]
Dawson: Worthington is what you want, right?
Joey: It doesn't matter what I want, Dawson.
Dawson: Yes or no?
Joey: Yes.
Dawson: Then I want you to have Mr. Brooks' money.
Joey: Dawson, are you insane? I can't
Dawson: At least enough to get you to school. I know it sounds crazy
Joey: It's beyond crazy. I mean, I appreciate it, but Mr. Brooks gave you that money for a reason.
Dawson: Yeah, he gave me that money to do something great, and giving it to you would be exactly that.
Joey: I
Dawson: [Laughs] Look, I know you're gonna say no, and that's fine, but don't say no until you've at least considered the possibility. Joey, this is your entire future we're talking about. Take a day, take longer than a day, take whatever you need, but promise me that you will consider it.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Scene: Dawson's Bedroom. Joey comes walking into the Room but her isn't there. She begins looking around the room at the pictures on the wall, when Dawson comes in.]
Dawson: There are no pictures of us in here. Have to do something about that.
Joey: Yeah. So I thought about it, Dawson. I really did.
Dawson: And what did you decide?
Joey: I'd never be able to pay you back.
Dawson: Wouldn't have to.
Joey: Dawson, I would. And I can't take that much money from you. I mean, even if it were hundreds instead of thousands, just even saying it makes it sound like
Dawson: Like it would ruin our friendship?
Joey: Yeah.
Dawson: Joey, if our friendship can survive last summer, it can survive anything.
Joey: Not this. I can't do this.
Dawson: [Sighing] Joey, stop. Wait. Look, I know how much going to this school means to you. I don't want you to throw away this opportunity.
Joey: Dawson, it's too much. Can't you understand that?
Dawson: No. I can't--I can't understand why you just won't let me help you, Jo. I mean, maybe I'm being naive here, but we've always been there for each other.
Joey: This is different.
Dawson: How? Joey, I-I've watched you go through so much pain in your life. I mean, even before your mom got sick and your dad...
Joey: Don't do this. Don't feel sorry for me, Dawson.
Dawson: I don't. That's not what this is about. Jo, all the pain I've watched you go through, I've never been able to fix it before. And this I can fix. All I need you to do is let me.
Joey: I can't. But...
Dawson: You don't even want to consider it?
Joey: I have. Just let me say thank you and go.
[Scene: Tom Frost's Office. Jen and Tom are there getting ready for another session.]
Tom: Most people don't know it, Jen, but therapy was designed to include a minimum of 4 sessions a week. So, what do you want to talk about?
Jen: Um, I'm ready to talk about my dad and, um, the last time I saw him. This is gonna sound really stupid, but I--I can't remember the last conversation that I had with him. And I'm not sure why, but I feel like I'm gonna cry.
Tom: I know it's difficult, but the key is to keep talking about it.
Jen: But if I can't remember what happened, how am I supposed to talk about it?
Tom: Why don't we try another approach. Was there someone else there who could tell you what happened?
Jen: Like my mom?
Tom: Yes. Or your old boyfriend. Mmm... then perhaps you spend time with someone else who could help fill in the blanks.
[Scene: Pacey and Gretchen's Place. Pacey goes to answer the door and Dawson is there.]
Pacey: Hey, man. You just missed Gretchen.
Dawson: Actually, it's you I want to talk to.
Pacey: Ok.
Dawson: Joey told you, right? About the money?
Pacey: Yep.
Dawson: So what do you think?
Pacey: I think that $15,000 is a lot of money to give somebody with no strings attached.
Dawson: She deserves to go to Worthington, pace. You know that as well as anyone else. She deserves more than...
Pacey: What? More than me?
Dawson: That's not what I said, and it's not what I meant. Pace... she's been fighting for a school like Worthington since the second we got into high school... against enormous odds, against people who have been writing her off simply because of her father, and she did it. I mean, she beat the odds. She got in. And I can't stand to sit back and watch her lose it all over something as stupid as money. And I don't think you can, either. Can you see her being happy anyplace else?
Pacey: No, I can't.
[Scene: The Capeside Yacht Club Marina. Drue is working in the docks when Jen comes walking down to find him.]
Jen: Hey, there.
Drue: To what do I owe this displeasure?
Jen: I need to talk to you, captain a-hole. Over here.
Drue: Well, this can't be a social call, since we've barely spoken in months, which, by the way, has been damaging to my ego.
Jen: God, you are gonna make this so hard. I can't believe that you and I actually used to be friends.
Drue: Well, you know, we were friends because we were a lot alike. We both had an intense desire to feel nothing.
Jen: That's really nice. Look, I gotta ask you a question, and for once in your life, I need you to take me seriously.
Drue: Yeah. I'll see what I can do.
Jen: What happened the last night that we were together in New York?
Drue: Ha ha! You don't remember? You don't, do you.
Jen: That's why I'm here.
Drue: Hmm. Well, you invited me over because your horrible parents were sending you away. We began at my place, where we emptied out my pop's liquor cabinet. Then we picked up some good stuff in Washington Square Park before heading back to your deluxe apartment in the sky. Now, if I remember correctly, we got particularly comfy on the sofa, heard keys in the door, and hid in your room, where you continued to ravage me. It was quite mind-blowing. Especially the part when your mother walked in and joined us.
Jen: You're repulsive, you know that? Why are you doing this?
Drue: Why are you? The past is past, Lindley. Just let it be.
Jen: Well, I'd like to, all right, but I can't. I just need to know what happened. Won't you please tell me?
Drue: You know what? I haven't worked through it yet.
Jen: [Deep sigh] You know, I thought that maybe just once you'd be able to help me out here. I guess I was wrong.
[Scene: Outside the Potter B&B. Joey is sitting on a chair looking out into the horizon when Pacey comes up from behind and joins her.]
Pacey: I could still sell a kidney.
Joey: This isn't a joke, Pacey.
Pacey: I know that.
Joey: I was thinking that, uh, you know, maybe I'll stay here another year, and then, you know, I can declare myself financially independent, and then I can reapply.
Pacey: No, you're not staying another year.
Joey: It's just a year.
Pacey: No, it's not. It never is, especially not in a town like this. The weeks become months. The months become years. The years become decades. Pretty soon, you've lived a fraction of the life that you were meant to. That's not gonna happen to you, Joey. You don't want it to. I don't want it to. And Dawson doesn't want it to, either. What do you want?
[Scene: Outside Gram's House. Jen opens the door to see Drue outside it.]
Drue: Can I come in?
Jen: No.
[Jen goes out onto the porch.]
Drue: You know, you're not gonna make this easy for me, are you? I'm trying to apologize and tell you the truth, ok? The truth about what happened that night, since it means so much to you.
Jen: I'm listening.
Drue: The truth is, you were really wasted that day, and when you brought me back to your place, I was shocked. I mean, you told me about what happened with Billy and how you guys got caught, but you still brought me home. We sat on the sofa, where you waited for me to clumsily make a move. You knew I kind of liked you, but, um, you really didn't seem that into it. Whatever. We didn't get very far before your parents came home.
Jen: And my dad?
Drue: Your dad... your dad was furious. You guys just started going at it. He called you a slut. You called him a hypocrite. Just as it started getting interesting, he tossed my ass.
Jen: So that's it. You don't know what else we were fighting about?
Drue: No. But you made it perfectly clear that it wasn't about us. Nothing that night was about us.
Jen: I used you to provoke him, didn't I? [Deep sigh] Oh, god. That's why you didn't want to talk about it.
Drue: No worries. I just figured you were a lesbian or something.
Jen: Heh heh! I wish. Drue, I'm sorry. I'm real sorry I used you.
Drue: Apology accepted.
[Scene: Dawson's Bedroom. Dawson is working on his computer, and doesn't notice Joey come up to the room and stand in the door way.]
Dawson: How long have you been standing there?
Joey: Not long.
Dawson: [Deep sigh] From the look on your face, I take it Pacey couldn't convince you.
Joey: Dawson, I have to tell you something, and I don't know if I can. [Dawson stands up and walks over to her.] No, please... don't make this harder.
Dawson: Don't make what harder?
Joey: Telling you the truth. The night that I ran into you at the movies, I was trying to make sense of things, too, and when you asked me that very personal question, you were right. I slept with Pacey over the ski trip. I wanted to tell you the truth, Dawson, but after all the time we spent together just walking and talking, I mean... it's like things are right between us again, and it's better than I ever thought it ever could be. So when you asked me that question... I don't know. I thought that you wouldn't understand.
Dawson: So you never gave me a chance to understand?
Joey: I know I should have told you the truth, Dawson. I know it wasn't fair of me to let you go on thinking that things were still the same, that...
Dawson: That I was the most important person in your life.
Joey: All I can say is I never wanted to hurt you.
Dawson: Heh.
Joey: I guess I should go.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Scene: Tom Frost's Office. Jen is there sitting on the couch and talking to Tom in another Sessions for this week.]
Jen: I mean, after all my talking and sleuthing and crying, all that I remember is that the last time that I saw my father, we had a really big fight. Which, given our history, is about as obvious as it is predictable, and I still don't even know what we were fighting about. I mean, was it just because I was being sent away?
Tom: You're not ready to find out. When you're ready, it'll come to you.
Jen: You're a real font of wisdom today.
Tom: These things take time, Jen.
Jen: What happens when I do remember? I mean, if I remember. What do you think happens? I suppose I'll have yet another specific reason to hate my parents.
Tom: Do you think you're here to accumulate reasons to hate your parents?
Jen: No.
Tom: So?
Jen: So I'm here to stop hating them? Closer.
Tom: Oh, I don't know.
Jen: Doc, give me a break. One of us in this room has a degree in this.
Tom: You're here to stop hating yourself. See, when you act out at the age that you did, when you have s*x in your parent's bed at 12 years old, when you abuse liquor and drugs before you're even old enough to drive, yes, you're doing it as a cry for love. Yes, you're doing it because something robbed you of your childhood in a way that you'll be angry about for a long time. But the reason you keep acting out, the reason you've stayed on a self-destructive path is not because you blame your father for what happened. It's because you blame yourself. That's why you don't want to remember. As long as you don't, you'll keep telling yourself that whatever happened is your fault, and you'll keep acting out, and you'll keep robbing yourself of life's greatest moments until you prove yourself right. But you're wrong. Jennifer, you are a beautiful, innocent young woman who's meant to shine in this world in ways you can't even begin to fathom. And I'm here to help you see that.
Jen: So, can I keep coming, like, 4 times a week?
Tom: Ha ha ha!
[Scene: Outside Pacey and Gretchen's Place. Pacey is sitting on the porch, when Joey comes pulling up to the house in her truck, and joins him.]
Pacey: So, are we going to Worthington?
Joey: No.
Pacey: But you did go and talk to Dawson.
Joey: Yeah. I had to tell him something that I should have told him a long time ago, pace.
Pacey: Something about us? Something about us and s*x?
Joey: I don't know why I lied, pace, but I did.
Pacey: It's ok. You told him the truth now. That's what's important. And as long as we're in the season of honesty, there's something else that I probably ought to offer up.
Joey: What's that?
Pacey: Well... as happy as I was for you when I found out that you were going to Worthington, I think that I was... just as happy when I found out that you weren't. It's not that I don't want you to be able to go off and realize your dreams, Joey, because I do. But for the first time, I just--I felt like it wasn't me that was holding you back from it.
Joey: Pacey, you've never held me back. You have to stop thinking like that.
Pacey: You know what? I could stop thinking like that if you'd just promise me one thing, that if the day ever comes, and it may come much sooner than either one of us thinks, but if that day ever comes where you did feel like I was holding you back... promise me that you'd cut me loose, yeah?
Joey: Pacey. Promise me that. I won't promise you that. You're asking me to promise to let you go. I can't do that.
[Scene: At Gram House. Jen and Jack are sitting on the floor staring at a Goldfish in a bowl on the table.]
Jack: Exactly what is it we're doing, again?
Jen: I told you. A memory exercise.
Jack: And why are we doing this?
Jen: My shrink recommended it. It's kind of like self-hypnosis. Supposedly, if you stare at the fish for a half-hour or so, it will help you remember things. It's my hope that by staring at this fish, it'll help me recall why I'm so angry at my father, thus allowing me to forgive both he and myself and enabling us to go to school in New York city if in fact that's where we desire to attend.
Jack: I see. Not for nothing, Jen, but, um... it's only since you started seeing this psychologist that I'm starting to think that you may in fact be crazy.
Jen: Jack, do you want to go to school in New York?
Jack: Yeah. Shut up. Watch the fish.
[Scene: The Docks outside the Potter B&B. Joey comes walking into the back yard and notices Dawson Standing on the docks, and walks down to join him.]
Joey: Dawson?
Dawson: Hey.
Joey: Hey.
Dawson: Bessie told me I could wait out here. I hope it's ok.
Joey: Yeah, I'm just a little surprised, considering...
Dawson: I think you underestimate me. I think we underestimate each other. What I'm trying to say, Joey, is that... what you felt the other night at the movie theater, that something was finally right between us... I felt that, too. And nothing will ever change that-- not going to school on different coasts. Not meeting people who we're meant to love forever-- nothing. And I want you to have this.
[He hands her an envelope with a check in it.]
Joey: But, Dawson
Dawson: I don't know how I feel about you sleeping with Pacey. I don't know how I'll feel tomorrow or next week or next year for that matter, but I'm absolutely certain that giving you this is the right thing to do. Because I'm certain about us... and what we mean to each other. And I think you are, too.
Joey: Thank you.
[She gives him a big hug.]
Dawson: You're gonna have some of the best years of your life at Worthington. And I want to hear all about 'em. | Plan: A: Dawson; Q: Who offers Joey a financial solution? A: a crushing rejection; Q: What does Dawson face when Joey receives good college news? A: Joey's elated mood; Q: What is tempered by the revelation that Joey's family's lack of savings may prevent her from achieving her dreams? A: Pacey; Q: Who did Joey sleep with before she could consider Dawson's offer? A: Jack; Q: Who wants to attend college with Jen but isn't sure she's ready to return to New York? A: a stumbling block; Q: What do Jen and Jack hit when they want to attend college together? A: A therapy session; Q: What forces Jen to confront her past? A: the help; Q: What does Drue offer to Jen in her therapy session? Summary: Joey receives some good college news, but while she glows, Dawson is forced to face a crushing rejection. Joey's elated mood, however, is tempered by a sobering revelation that her family's lack of savings may prevent her from achieving her dreams. Dawson offers her a financial solution but she feels she must confess to sleeping with Pacey before she can really consider Dawson's offer. Jen and Jack want to attend college together but hit a stumbling block when Jack decides that New York is the place to go and Jen isn't so sure she's ready to return to the Big Apple. A therapy session forces her to confront her past with the help of Drue. |
MUSIC IN:
EXT. SPACE - DAY
(CAMERA CLOSE ON MONITOR)
MUSICAL BRIDGE TO:
INT. OFFICE - DAY
(SFX: KEYBOARDING B.G.)
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
(DOOR OPENS/ CLOSES)
BEN: I've got ten minutes before Ainsley comes looking for me, so what's the big emergency?
JEREMY: No one can know about this.
BEN: Okay.
JEREMY: We haven't got much time. I was repositioning from Cuba up towards Quebec, guess it hit a glitch over Virginia - Little Creek Naval Base...
BEN: (SIGHS) God bless America.
JEREMY: She's really cold.
BENJAMIN: Really. Cold.
JEREMY: Better than monitoring ship movements in the Atlantic.
BEN: As long as we don't get caught.
JEREMY: Uh-oh. A problem.
BEN: Someone else must be there. Damn. Oh, no no no, sweetie. Nobody's looking. All right. All right. Where'd she go?
(CAMERA ANGLE ON MONITOR/ CLOSE ON BEACH SCENE)
JEREMY: What just happened?
BEN: Punch in.
(MUSIC OUT)
(THEME MUSIC UP OVER OPENING TITLE/SCENES/ CREDITS AND OUT)
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY
"EYE SPY"(ELEVATOR DOORS SLIDE OPEN)
TONY: (MUMBLES) Good morning, Kate.
KATE: I assume that was good morning.
TONY: (MUMBLES re DOUGHNUT) Want one?
KATE: No. Thanks.
TONY: (MUMBLES) Really good.
KATE: Not worth the price. I like keeping my belt notched exactly where it is.
TONY: What's that supposed to mean?
KATE: What mean?
TONY: The whole sort of raised eyebrows winky thing.
KATE: Nothing, really. Just a...a nervous tic.
TONY: I've weighed exactly the same since the day I graduated from college. Never up, never down.
KATE: Certainly you would know. Do you weigh yourself a lot?
TONY: I never weigh myself.
KATE: I see. Huh. I don't pay that close attention to your body, Tony.
TONY: Really?
KATE: But Tony, If you're happy with the way you are, that's all that counts.
(PHONE RINGS)
GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Gibbs. Mm-hmm.
(GIBBS HANGS UP THE PHONE)
GIBBS: We've got a murder at Little Creek. Get Ducky.(GIBBS WALKS O.S.)
KATE: Are you all right?
TONY: Couldn't be better.
MUSICAL BRIDGE TO:
EXT. BEACH - DAY
GIBBS: Who found the body?
ROE: I did. An anonymous tip was called into Base Security saying someone was stabbed here.
GIBBS: Victim been ID'd?
ROE: Yes, Sir. Lieutenant Commander Thomas Egan. His wallet was found in the S-U-V.
GIBBS: Kate, photos.
KATE: Got it.
TONY: Tag Heuer. You don't leave one of those around if you're robbing a guy.
GIBBS: You know the Lieutenant Commander's assignment?
ROE: Yes, Sir. He's attached as a technical advisor to Side-Scan, a civilian contractor on the base. Don't know any more. Their work's classified.
GIBBS: Keep this under wraps, Master Chief.
ROE: Yes, Sir.
(SFX: WAVES B.G.)
DUCKY: We have a rising tide.
GIBBS: Okay. DiNozzo?
TONY: Yo!
GIBBS: You and me take measurements. We'll rebuild them later in the lab. Kate, more photos!
KATE: Gotcha.
GIBBS: Gerald, take notes.
GERALD: I'm on it.
GIBBS: Come on, move it!
DUCKY: We've got to keep him dry.
GIBBS: I've got the sign.
TONY: I've got the farthest boulder.
GIBBS: Head and feet!
TONY: Fifteen point seven one.
GIBBS: Eleven point three six meters.
GERALD: Fifteen point seven one. Eleven point three six. Got them.
KATE: His dive knife is missing.
DUCKY: Yeah, you didn't see this coming, did you, my friend?
(SFX: WAVE B.G.)
GIBBS: Hey, watch out! Tide!
(TONY DIVES ONTO THE SAND)
DUCKY: (CHUCKLES) Well done, Tony.
GIBBS: Bag him.
DUCKY: I've got a spare suit in the van.
KATE: Are you okay? What is it?
GIBBS: Shrinkage.(KATE LAUGHS)
MUSICAL BRIDGE TO:
INT. BUILDING - DAY
TYLER: I just can't believe Tom Egan is dead.
GIBBS: When did you see him last?
OVERMEYER: Early this morning.
GIBBS: Where was the Commander going?
TYLER: To conduct underwater tests on a piece of equipment.
OVERMEYER: Did you find a device with his body?
KATE: What kind of a device?
OVERMEYER: It's a handheld sonar gun. I've got a wooden mockup of the prototype that we're missing. It uses sound echoes to create visual images.
KATE: Like a sonogram.
OVERMEYER: Yeah.
TYLER: Not dissimilar. Earlier types are larger, have to be towed behind water craft.
OVERMEYER: And our version can be carried by a diver. My company developed the concept; we brought it to the Navy. Commander Tyler was assigned as my liaison.
TYLER: I brought in Tom. He was a sound-surveillance expert. We were evaluating it.
GIBBS: For use in harbor surveillance.
OVERMEYER: Yes. It's the only working prototype that we have. Its loss is just devastating to the military.
GIBBS: And I bet to your company. Where's the Commander's desk?
TYLER: There.
GIBBS: We're seizing his computer, and anything else we find we need. You understand.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. QUARTER DECK - DAY
SPARKS: (INTO PHONE) Little Creek Quarter Deck. This is Seaman Apprentice Sparks speaking. How may I help you, Sir, Ma'am? Yes, Sir.
TONY: Special Agent DiNozzo.
SPARKS: They just can't stop messing with the uniforms, can they, Sir?
TONY: You on duty this morning?
SPARKS: Yes, Sir.
TONY: You take the call about the attack on the beach?
SPARKS: Yes, Sir. Call came in at zero nine thirty two.
TONY: Get a name?
SPARKS: No, Sir. But the voice was male. Sounded real nervous. And when I started asking questions, he just hung up.
TONY: You have caller I.D.
SPARKS: Yes, Sir. But the call that came in this morning was blocked.
TONY: Well, it shouldn't be too hard for NCIS to trace that.
SPARKS: I'd write a letter, Sir.
MUSICAL BRIDGE TO:
INT. OFFICE - DAY
TONY: Come on! Come on, Magee! You said you could do this.
MAGEE: I didn't say it was going to be easy.
TONY: Actually, that's exactly what you said only on the phone you ended it with a Sir.
MAGEE: Well, that's when I thought you were talking about going through the proper channels.
TONY: Proper channels have too many bags.
MAGEE: Well, lucky for you Little Creek has its own central exchange. Otherwise the proper channels would be our only option.
TONY: If I'm so lucky, then why haven't you given me the number yet?
MAGEE: The exchange handles all incoming calls to the base. Do you have any idea how many calls came into Little Creek at zero nine thirty two?
TONY: You know what my dad always said about excuses?
MAGEE: Yeah, they're like armpits. Everyone has them and they all stink.
TONY: Actually, he used a different part of the anatomy, but you got the main idea. So whatever happened between you and Abby?
MAGEE: Our paths still cross on occasion.
TONY: Really? I guess the tat on the old caboose did the trick.
MAGEE: Among other things.
TONY: You don't say. Did you see any art on her caboose?
MAGEE: You're right, I don't say.
TONY: I'll take that as a no.
MAGEE: Ah, found it. You see, the new S-S-seven data circuits - they block display of the number. But the calling party number message is still carried on the line.
TONY: I don't know what you just said. I don't care what you just said. Just give me the number. Why is there an asterisk?
MAGEE: I'm not sure. (BEAT) Sir?
TONY: That wasn't an "at it, Sir," look. That was a "you'd better find out why," look.
MAGEE: Oh. Sorry.
TONY: Rookie mistakes.
MUSICAL BRIDGE TO:
EXT. EGAN RESIDENCE - DAY
(CAR BRAKES TO A STOP)
KATE: Egan and his wife have been married for nine years. They met when they were stationed in San Diego.
GIBBS: Any kids?
KATE: No. Oh, my god! It's their anniversary next week. It looks like the Navy was pretty good about stationing them at the same bases.
GIBBS: How long have they been here in Little Creek?
KATE: Egan was transferred here in March and his wife had to finish assignment in Panama City, Florida. Then followed four months later.
GIBBS: No matter how many times I do this, it never gets any easier.
KATE: We should have had DiNozzo handle this interview.
(SFX: DOOR BELL RINGS)
KATE: Just kidding!
(DOOR OPENS)
GIBBS: Lieutenant Egan? NCIS.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY
GIBBS: I'm aware there's probably a better time to be doing all this.
KATE: Where were you coming home from, Lieutenant?
EGAN: Camp Lejeune for the weekend. It was a human resources seminar. When I got home the Base Commander and the Chaplain were here and I knew...
GIBBS: When was the last time you spoke to your husband?
EGAN: Last night.
GIBBS: What time?
EGAN: (SOBS) I don't know.
GIBBS: Yeah, but if you could try to remember.
EGAN: (CRIES) I don't know!
GIBBS: Lieutenant, I know this is hard.
EGAN: (CRIES) Sorry! Around ten...before I went to bed.
KATE: Did you know that he was going diving today?
EGAN: But he went diving many times during the week. He was a SEAL. He was decorated.
GIBBS: Did he tell you what he was working on?
EGAN: No, Tom was very strict about need-to-know. He didn't discuss his work with anyone. Not even me.
MUSICAL BRIDGE TO:
INT. AUTOPSY ROOM - DAY
DUCKY: Would you do the honors, please, Gerald?
GERALD: Sure thing.
DUCKY: (BEAT) What?
GERALD: It moved.
DUCKY: (CHUCKLES) I don't think so.
GERALD: It moved, Doc.
DUCKY: Remind me to check our inventory of alcohol swab. (LONG BEAT) He certainly was dead on the beach.
(DUCKY UNZIPS THE BODY BAG)
DUCKY: Ooh!
[SCENE_BREAK]
EXT. BASE DOCK - DAY
GIBBS: What do you think, Kate? Espionage?(TRUCK DOOR CLOSES)
KATE: A Navy specialist is murdered and the classified device he has with him is missing. It looks that way.
GIBBS: Yeah.
KATE: Oh, my god.
TONY: Don't even, okay?
KATE: Did I say anything?
TONY: You were. I know you were.
KATE: It's a touch small, but other than that it's fine. And the bonus, no belt.
GIBBS: DiNozzo. The anonymous tip?
TONY: It came from a restricted phone. Area code seven zero three.
KATE: Langley, Virginia.
GIBBS: CIA.
TONY: Wow, huh?
GIBBS: Yeah.
(MUSIC OUT)
MUSIC IN:
INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY
KATE: It's okay. I got it, Tony. Don't you worry. Wouldn't want to disturb your lunch.
TONY: You got me thinking, Kate. Maybe I should improve my diet.
KATE: When are you going to start?
TONY: What do you call this?
KATE: Bad things masquerading as something good for you?
TONY: This is a nutrition bar. It says so on the label.
KATE: Did you read the label? The little one with the ingredients not just the big one with the pretty colors?
TONY: Oh, sarcasm is so not healthy, Kate.
KATE: Neither is that. Let's see... we've got here, (READS) High fructose corn syrup - basically sugar; uh... high maltose corn syrup - another sugar; sugar - sugar; fractionated palm kernel oil. That sounds yummy! And contains less than two percent natural flavor. That would make it ninety eight percent artificial flavor.
TONY: What are you saying?
ABBY: So I hear Egan's computer is waiting to get up close and personal with me.
KATE: Be gentle. I'm sure Tony will be more than happy to lug this downstairs for you. He's feeling healthy today.
TONY: No problem.
ABBY: Thanks, Tony. Where's Gibbs?
KATE: With Director Morrow. He's trying to get a meeting with the CIA.
ABBY: Ooh. Why?
KATE: That's where the anonymous phone call came from.
ABBY: Langley is like two hundred miles from Little Creek. Doesn't make any sense.
TONY: Especially considering Ducky established time of death as approximately nine thirty. And the tip was phoned in at nine thirty two.
ABBY: It's impossible.
GIBBS: It isn't if someone from the CIA was watching on a high-def satellite.
MUSICAL BRIDGE TO:
INT. ROBER'S OFFICE - DAY
ROBER: (V.O.) You're accusing the Agency of spying on a U.S. Naval Station.
GIBBS: Do you have a better explanation?
ROBER: It didn't happen, Agent Gibbs.
GIBBS: I have a dead Lieutenant Commander and missing classified hardware and a phone call that originated from this building right after the murder.
ROBER: I'm not denying we have the capability. But you know as well as I do that it would be a violation of CIA mandate to operate domestically.
GIBBS: Right. You never do anything illegal? We have the same Uncle writing our paychecks. We do what we do to get the job done.
ROBER: I appreciate the sentiment, Agent Gibbs.
GIBBS: I don't have a need-to-know to know why you have a satellite pointed at Little Creek. I have a murder to solve. I could use your help.
ROBER: There's nothing I can do to help you, Agent Gibbs. If you'll excuse me.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. NCIS LAB - DAY
(MUSIC B.G.)
ABBY: (INTO PHONE) You're on the air!
GIBBS: (V.O./FILTERED) Hey, Ab.
ABBY: (INTO PHONE) Gibbs, how did we do with the moles?(BEGIN TELEPHONE INTERCUTS)
(SCENE CUT)
GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Spooks, Abby. Spooks.
(SCENE CUT)
ABBY: (INTO PHONE) I can never get that straight.
(SCENE CUT)
TONY: (INTO PHONE) Are you still in touch with the old NASA boyfriend?
ABBY: (V.O./FILTERED) He wasn't a boyfriend.
(SCENE CUT)
ABBY: (INTO PHONE) He was a boy-toy. And yes, we I-M almost every day.
(SCENE CUT)
GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) You do?
(SCENE CUT)
ABBY: (INTO PHONE) Oh yeah.
(SCENE CUT)
GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) That's good, right?
(SCENE CUT)
ABBY: (INTO PHONE) It's very good. Why?
(END TELEPHONE INTERCUTS)
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. MTAC ROOM - DAY
ASHTON KUGEL: (ON MONITOR) Greetings from NASA, NCIS.
ABBY: Whoa, Ashton, that was so Star Trek.
ASHTON KUGEL: (ON MONITOR) Sorry I'm late. I had a cluster of frozen reactor coolant heading for the flight path of an Atlas lift-off. I had to delay the launch. They were not happy about it. I am, however, very happy to see you, Abby, and to help your NCIS crime-fighting colleagues.
ABBY: Ah, you're the best, Ashton!
ASHTON KUGEL: (ON MONITOR) Oh, you are, Ab.
ABBY: Thank you.
ASHTON KUGEL: (ON MONITOR) We really should talk.
ABBY: We really should talk.
GIBBS: Special Agent Gibbs here.
ASHTON KUGEL: (ON MONITOR) Of course.
GIBBS: I appreciate your help. We're looking for SAT activity yesterday about zero nine thirty Eastern Standard.
ASHTON KUGEL: (ON MONITOR) Roger that. Geostationary?
ABBY: Asynchronous.
ASHTON KUGEL: (ON MONITOR) Multi-positional.
ABBY: Very.
ASHTON KUGEL: (ON MONITOR) Landstat seven?
ABBY: Think CIA.
ASHTON KUGEL: (ON MONITOR) Ah, K-H-twelve.
ABBY: Improved crystals.
ASHTON KUGEL: (ON MONITOR) Thermal infrared.
ABBY: It gets hot down here.
ASHTON KUGEL: (ON MONITOR) Target area?
ABBY: Virginia Coast.
ASHTON KUGEL: (ON MONITOR) We have entry.
ABBY: Oh, you're so good, Ashton.
GIBBS: Any idea what department it came from?
ASHTON KUGEL: Oh, pretty sophisticated blocking system on the K-H-twelve. I'm afraid that task is a bit more complicated. Complicated, but not impossible. They overlooked the same technology on the Milstar satellite relays and...that particular satellite is controlled from building thirty-five-C, office four-oh-nine.
ABBY: Bravo, Ashton!(END TELEPHONE CONVERSATION)
MUSICAL BRIDGE TO:
INT. NCIS SEDAN - NIGHT
KATE: We're lucky Abby could get in the system and pull his name off the office number. There's not much on him.
GIBBS: CIA's not big on bios.
KATE: Jeremy Wirth....twenty-three... current address, thirty-five B Maple, Georgetown. Graduated M-I-T at twenty.
GIBBS: I'm impressed.
KATE: Been with the Agency six months... working as a satellite analyst. That's all we got.
GIBBS: Why would they use someone so green on such a covert assignment?
KATE: Too bad we don't have a photo.
GIBBS: Don't need one. He'll fit the profile.
KATE: I think geeky, right?
GIBBS: Well yeah, Kate, something like that.
KATE: Ha! Have you ever seen Robert Redford in Three Days of the Condor?
GIBBS: Yes.
KATE: That's a geek I could get covert with.
GIBBS: Kate, I would not get my hopes up. Check it out. (CHUCKLES)
(CAR DOOR OPENS/CLOSES)
[SCENE_BREAK]
EXT. STREET - NIGHT
KATE: Jeremy?
JEREMY: Do I know you?
KATE: My name's Kate. Kate Todd. Can I talk to you?
JEREMY: About what? What's NCIS?
KATE: Naval Criminal Investigative Service.
JEREMY: I've got nothing to talk to you about.
GIBBS: I'm Special Agent Gibbs. Same agency you haven't heard of before. Only I don't take it personally anymore.
JEREMY: I've got to go inside.
KATE: We know where you work, Jeremy. We suspect you're the one that called Little Creek about the stabbing. You need to tell us what you saw.
JEREMY: I can't say anything.
GIBBS: Did the Assistant Director Rober have a little chat with you?
JEREMY: He put me on administrative leave. I'm under investigation.
KATE: Rober didn't know.
GIBBS: No. (TO JEREMY) You were using the satellite without their knowledge. Why were you watching Lieutenant Commander Egan?
JEREMY: Who?
KATE: The Naval officer who was murdered.
GIBBS: You play ball with me, I can square it with Rober.
JEREMY: You can do that?
KATE: With the exception of finding a decent barber, Gibbs can do pretty much anything he says he can.
JEREMY: I was watching...not watching... I wasn't watching the guy in the wetsuit. I was watching something else and happened to notice activity at the edge of the screen.
GIBBS: What kind of something else would this be?
JEREMY: A person.
GIBBS: Female person?
JEREMY: Yeah.
GIBBS: Kind of a babe female person?
JEREMY: Really hot. I stumbled across her by accident. She was polar tanning.
KATE: Nude winter sunbathing.
GIBBS: Must get cold.
JEREMY: Oh, she was Sir.
KATE: And you think that's an appropriate use for a billion dollar satellite, Jeremy?
JEREMY: I got a little off track with my priorities.
GIBBS: That happens with hot babes sometimes. So you didn't see who attacked Commander Egan?
JEREMY: When I tried to go close, the image pixilated. All I saw was him go down. Whoever it was ran off before I could adjust the picture.
GIBBS: And that's it?
JEREMY: If I had access to the Agency's computer, I could show you exactly what I saw. All satellite transmissions are recorded on a hard drive at Langley.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. ROBER'S OFFICE
ROBER: What the hell are you up to, Gibbs?(BEGIN TELEPHONE INTERCUTS)
(SCENE CUT)
GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) I want the recording of a satellite transmission.
(SCENE CUT)
ROBER: (INTO PHONE) I don't know what you're talking about.
(SCENE CUT)
GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Well, let me put Mister Wirth on. He can explain it to you.
JEREMY: (WHISPERS) Oh no, no! No!
GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Your analyst...
(SCENE CUT)
GIBBS: (V.O./FILTERED) ....was spying on a U.S. Naval base.
ROBER: (INTO PHONE) You have Wirth?
(SCENE CUT)
GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) I'm not sure what Congressional oversight committee he's going to be spilling his guts to. I mean, there are so many...
(SCENE CUT)
GIBBS: (V.O./FILTERED)....to choose from these days.
ROBER: (INTO PHONE) How do we handle this?
(SCENE CUT)
GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) We'll be there in fifteen minutes.
(END TELEPHONE INTERCUTS)
MUSICAL BRIDGE TO:
INT. AUTOPSY ROOM - DAY
DUCKY: Commander, based on the width and the jagged lower edge of the entry wound... it appears you were stabbed with your own knife. The wound is consistent with a serrated, titanium beta alloy knife missing from your sheath. Let's see what we've got here. Oh, seven inches. Well, Gerald, what have we learned form this?
GERALD: Seven inches. It was a deep thrust. Most of the blade.
DUCKY: And?
GERALD: And from the left to right angle. The assailant was most likely left handed.
DUCKY: So we've vastly limited the potential number of suspects. Only nine percent of the world's population is left-handed. Interestingly, that percentage has remained the same since prehistoric times. Archaeologists have been able to determine this by examining cave paintings more than ten thousand years old.
GERALD: Don't you think we should notify Gibbs?
DUCKY: In due time. Curiously enough, the Yanomami tribe in the Amazon are twenty three percent left-handed.
MUSICAL BRIDGE TO:
INT. NCIS LAB - DAY
(MUSIC B.G.)
(DOOR OPENS/ CLOSES)
TONY: Find anything?
ABBY: Commander Egan's files were password protected, it took me a while to get in. (SFX: KEYBOARDING B.G.)
ABBY: What, are you getting in shape?
TONY: Yeah, want to feel how hard my forearm is?
ABBY: No, thanks. Hey, Gibbs. You want to feel Tony's forearm?
GIBBS: I'll pass. Copy of the CIA satellite transmission. I want to see if you can enhance the image.
KATE: Find anything in Egan's computer?
ABBY: He seems hinky about the sonar device's reliability. His notes suggest that tests may have been altered.
TONY: Think Egan was killed because he was going to blow the whistle on the project?
GIBBS: Maybe.
(SFX: COMPUTER BEEP TONES)
TONY: (V.O.) Oh, I like this part.
MUSICAL BRIDGE TO:
EXT. BEACH - DAY
(MUSIC OVER ACTION/NAVAL PERSONNEL SEARCH THE BEACH)
OVERMEYER: Do you think they'll find it?
TYLER: I don't know.
(MUSIC OUT)
MUSIC IN:
INT. NCIS LAB - DAY
ABBY: This is the only time the assailant is on the screen. Now watch what happens when I try to go in. The closer I get to the figure, the more the image distorts.
GIBBS: That's it?
ABBY: Sorry, Gibbs.
KATE: We can't make an I.D. out of that.
TONY: Maybe we can find the polar chick.
KATE: Tony's right. The beach is on a Naval base. It's a restricted area. Odds are she works at Little Creek.
TONY: Do you want me to track her down, boss?
KATE: Why am I not surprised? Want me to handle it? At least I won't drool.
GIBBS: No. No, DiNozzo took a wave for the team.
TONY: Thanks, boss. Hmm... look at the muscle tone, would you? Definition on those abs. The lady definitely works out a lot.
ABBY: Maybe at the base gym?
TONY: Ah, that makes sense.
KATE: Don't hurt yourself. There's going to be a lot of dangerous equipment you're not familiar with.
TONY: That's cute, Kate. Print me a copy, Abs?
GIBBS: Face only, Abby. Kate, you stay with her. Go over everything in Egan's files. Find out everything you can about this device.
DUCKY: Oh, Jethro! Jethro, while I was examining our victim, I was telling Gerald about the Yanomami tribe. He found it fascinating.
GIBBS: This would affect our case somehow?
DUCKY: Of course! They were twenty three percent left handed. Lieutenant Commander Egan's killer was left handed.
GIBBS: Anything else?
DUCKY: He never made it into the ocean. That good fortune allowed me to find traces of someone else's DNA on his body. The DNA of a female.
GIBBS: That mean what I think it means, Duck? (SFX: DOOR BELL RINGS)
MUSICAL BRIDGE TO:
INT. EGAN LIVING ROOM - DAY
(DOOR OPENS)
GIBBS: Lieutenant Egan. If this is a bad time...
EGAN: Uh...I have to meet with the funeral director.
GIBBS: I have a few questions. Or I could come back.
EGAN: Uh, no. This is fine.
(PASSAGE OF TIME)
GIBBS: Did your husband have doubts about the project he was working on?
EGAN: I don't know. He was pretty distant recently.
GIBBS: Anything else bothering him?
EGAN: Not that I know of. He hated paying bills. Always gave him a stomach ache
GIBBS: Do you know much about the people at Side-Scan?
EGAN: Met them at a Christmas party. Couple of other times. He kept it pretty separate.
GIBBS: Because of the confidential nature of the project?
EGAN: I guess.
GIBBS: He spent a lot of time at work, didn't he?
EGAN: Not in the beginning.
GIBBS: But that changed.
EGAN: In the last few months. He always said all he wanted was a simple pine box. But I can't do that.
(DOOR OPENS)
GIBBS: I think that he'll be good with whatever you pick out, Lieutenant.
(DOOR CLOSES)
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. BASE GYM - DAY
(WOMAN WORKS OUT WITH WEIGHTS B.G.)
WOMAN: Yeah?
TONY: Hey, sorry. I thought you were someone else. Look, you weren't sunbathing nude on the beach yesterday, were you?
WOMAN: Nice try.
TONY: Didn't think so. (TO GYM MANAGER) Oh, hey there. How are you doing?
GYM MANAGER: Gym's for base personnel only.
TONY: Well, I wasn't really planning on working out.
GYM MANAGER: Obviously.
TONY: Maybe you can help me. Have you seen her?
GYM MANAGER: Not very clear.
TONY: It's a really long lens.
GYM MANAGER: It could be Gina.
TONY: Gina?
GYM MANAGER: Petty Officer Second. Comes in here everyday about noon.
TONY: I'll wait.
(SFX: WEIGHTS B.G.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
EXT. PIER - DAY
KATE: You haven't found it.
GIBBS: Not yet.
TYLER: You met me here to get me away from Overmeyer.
GIBBS: I've got questions.
TYLER: All right.
GIBBS: What was Commander Egan supposed to be doing that morning?
TYLER: Underwater test of the device.
GIBBS: Meaning?
TYLER: We seeded the ocean floor with targets.
GIBBS: Dummy bombs.
TYLER: He was going out to locate them.
GIBBS: He had reservations about the project, didn't he?
TYLER: Not that I know of. Is something wrong, Agent Gibbs?
GIBBS: I don't know. Sometimes you think you have a bead on someone. It turns out bogus. It's upsetting.
TYLER: The point is?
GIBBS: I didn't take you for a party line type, Commander.
TYLER: Commander Egan wasn't sure the range was as good as promised.
GIBBS: What if Commander Egan's test turned up negative?
TYLER: The Navy wouldn't pick up Side-Scan's contract.
GIBBS: And Overmeyer?
TYLER: He'd lose a fortune.
GIBBS: I'm gonna press my luck here.
TYLER: Okay.
GIBBS: What if the prototype isn't found?
TYLER: Side-Scan will probably be granted an extension, which would buy time to correct any problems. But there aren't any serious flaws, Agent Gibbs.
GIBBS: Would you submit to a voluntary DNA swab? I'd like to eliminate you as Lieutenant Commander Egan's lover.
TYLER: There wouldn't be much point. Tom and I had been seeing each other for months. Anything else you want to press?
GIBBS: No.
TYLER: I gotta get back.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. BASE GYM - DAY
(TONY LIFTS WEIGHTS B.G.)
TONY: Gina?
GINA: Yes?
TONY: Anthony DiNozzo, NCIS.
GINA: What do you want?
TONY: Ah I just want to ask you a few questions.
GINA: I'm busy.
TONY: Were you sunbathing yesterday on the base beach?
GINA: You were watching me?
TONY: No.
GINA: Then how did you know I was there?
TONY: I'm not at liberty to discuss the actual surveillance activity.
GINA: Please leave me alone.
TONY: Let me get my I.D. I can appreciate how it must look.
GINA: Okay, tell me.
KATE: (V.O.) I still can't believe Lauren Tyler admitted...
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. BUILDING - DAY
KATE: ...to having an affair with Egan.
GIBBS: She's smart. When I asked her for a DNA sample, she knew I had her. Always better to volunteer information than cover it up.
OVERMEYER: What are your people doing?!
GIBBS: Seizing your files.
KATE: It's part of our investigation into Commander Egan's death.
OVERMEYER: You think he was killed for the prototype?
GIBBS: I think he had concerns about performance.
OVERMEYER: Well, you're wrong.
GIBBS: I try so hard not to be wrong, don't I, Kate?
KATE: You're very conscientious in that regard, Gibbs.
OVERMEYER: All right, we might have had a glitch or two, but nothing that wouldn't have been corrected before production.
GIBBS: See, you I did figure for the party line guy.
OVERMEYER: What's that supposed to mean?
GIBBS: Why was only one prototype made?
OVERMEYER: I funded all the R and D personally. I don't have pockets that deep. This loss is just devastating.
GIBBS: It also buys you time.
OVERMEYER: Are you insinuating I had something to do with Tom Egan's death?
GIBBS: I try so hard not to insinuate, don't I, Kate.
KATE: You rarely insinuate, Gibbs.
GIBBS: Yeah. All I'm doing now is taking your records.
OVERMEYER: I'm calling my legal counsel.
GIBBS: I would bet that he will insinuate plenty. Here. Sign this.
OVERMEYER: What's that for?
GIBBS: It's a receipt for your files. All of your files.
(HELICOPTER FX B.G.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
EXT. SIDE-SCAN BUILDING - DAY
KATE: We know the killer is left handed. (V.O.) Jonathan Overmeyer is left handed. (ON CAMERA) What about Commander Tyler?(INTERCUT FLASHBACK SCENE)
GIBBS: She wears her watch on her left hand like most right-handed people do. Service file will verify.(INTERCUT FLASHBACK SCENE)
KATE: They could be in it together.
GIBBS: They could.
(SFX: CELL PHONE RINGS)
GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Gibbs.
TONY: (V.O./FILTERED) I found her, boss...
(GIBBS HANGS UP
GIBBS: DiNozzo found our polar bear. PHONE)
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. GYM - DAY
GIBBS: You were on the beach yesterday?
GINA: Yes, Sir. I know it's against regs to sunbathe naked, but I never thought I'd be caught in winter. I don't know what came over me. I just really hate tan lines. Don't you?
GIBBS: Sometimes I lay awake at night thinking about that. Did you see anybody else there?
GINA: Well, that's why I left. I heard a vehicle. Saw this guy getting out in a wetsuit. I covered up and left.
KATE: Was he alone?
GINA: I thought so at first. But as I was walking back to my car, I heard voices and glanced back. He was arguing with someone else.
GIBBS: Can you describe him?
GINA: Her. All I can tell you is that she was military.
(MUSIC OUT)
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. NCIS SQUAD ROOM - DAY
KATE: We know the killer was left-handed which eliminates Commander Tyler. Her service file confirms she's a righty.
TONY: We also know the killer is a woman. Unless Overmeyer went "Norman Bates" on the guy. Actually, when you think about it, the M.O.'s match.
GIBBS: DiNozzo.
KATE: What did you do?
TONY: So basically we eliminated our two best suspects. Neither is a left-handed woman in the military.
GIBBS: It appears so, yeah.
KATE: Damn! And they were good suspects.
GIBBS: Yeah, maybe too good.
KATE: What do you mean?
GIBBS: We got carried away with the missing prototype. Espionage and whistle blowing is a lot more intriguing than someone who's just really pissed off.
KATE: Egan's wife?
TONY: Her husband was diving on someone else's reef. Dipping the fin in the company pool. Pinging the wrong pong.
KATE: Egan's wife didn't get back from the seminar until after the murder.
GIBBS: That's what she said.
KATE: (V.O.) She's a military officer.(INTERCUT FLASHBACK SCENE)
GIBBS: Yes, she is. And she plays golf. (V.O.) Left-handed.(INTERCUT FLASHBACK SCENE)
KATE: W-Wait. You could see that the clubs were left-handed with just a passing glance?
GIBBS: My second wife played golf left-handed.
KATE: So?
TONY: When someone tries to split your skull open with a seven iron, it's not a club you soon forget.
GIBBS: There was an edge in the Lieutenant's voice when she said things had changed the last few months.
TONY: If she knew she was cheating on her...
KATE: Wait, just because she golfs left-handed doesn't mean she actually is left-handed. I golf left-handed but I bat and I throw right-handed.
TONY: So you go both ways?
KATE: All I'm saying is that we don't actually have anything on her. We don't even know if she knew that her husband was having an affair.
GIBBS: Sure.
KATE: So it's just a hunch.
TONY: Yeah.
KATE: There's no proof.
GIBBS: No.(SFX: DOOR BELL RINGS B.G.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. EGAN LIVING ROOM
(DOOR OPENS)
EGAN: Hello.
GIBBS: Lieutenant Egan.
EGAN: Please come on in.
GIBBS: Thank you.
(DOOR CLOSES)
GIBBS: We have a dilemma to share with you.
EGAN: Dilemma. What's the problem?
GIBBS: We think that your husband was killed because he was about to expose flaws in the Side-Scan prototype he was developing.
EGAN: I see.
KATE: But we can't prove it.
GIBBS: There was only one prototype made and that was taken from the crime scene.
KATE: We've conducted a search, but so far no luck. We'll have to find it to have a chance of building a case against the suspect.
EGAN: You have a suspect?
KATE: A witness saw a woman arguing with your husband on the beach, just before he was stabbed.
GIBBS: We think it was the commanding officer, Lauren Tyler.
KATE: There's no easy way to ask this, but did you know your husband was having an affair with her?
EGAN: He was having an affair?
KATE: It looks that way.
GIBBS: Can you confirm our suspicion that your husband was having doubts about this project?
EGAN: I'm afraid not. He never mentioned it.
GIBBS: Okay. Thank you for your time. Sorry to have to drag you through this.
EGAN: What do you think happened to him? Why was he killed?
GIBBS: We think that he told Commander Tyler. And that when they both confronted Jonathan Overmeyer, he offered them money to keep them silent.
EGAN: And Tom refused.
KATE: Yes.
EGAN: He would never take money.
KATE: But Tyler went along. We believe they killed him, and had to hide the prototype fast.
GIBBS: We need to find it. If we don't, we don't have much of a case. It's the only conclusive proof we have of defects.
[SCENE_BREAK]
EXT. HOUSE - DAY
(DOOR CLOSES)
KATE: You think she took the bait?
GIBBS: Pretty hard to pass up getting away with murder and framing your husband's lover.
KATE: Well, if she's guilty, she's a pretty good actress.
GIBBS: Hey, what about yourself, kid?
KATE: This thing is so creepy.
GIBBS: Why? You still don't believe she knew about her husband's affair?
KATE: The wife's always the last one to know, Gibbs.
GIBBS: Don't believe it.
KATE: I hope you're right. Otherwise we were pretty cold to a woman who just lost her husband.
GIBBS: Well, let's find out.(SFX: TELEPHONE BEEP TONES)
ABBY: (V.O./FILTERED) Hello?
GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Abs? Call your boy.(DOOR CLOSES)
(SFX: CAR ENGINE STARTS)
MUSICAL BRIDGE TO:
INT. MTAC ROOM - DAY
ABBY: So how long do you get to use the bird?(BEGIN INTERCUTS)
(SCENE CUT)
ASHTON KUGEL: (ON MONITOR) Don't worry, Abs. I'm borrowing it from G-Nex Corp and they owe me big time. It's asynchronous, multi-positional and has thermal infrared. It's perfect for your purpose.
ABBY: And they just let you have it?
ASHTON KUGEL: (ON MONITOR) Technically, it's down for maintenance.
(INTERCUT SCENE OF EGAN LEAVING HER HOUSE)
ASHTON KUGEL: (ON MONITOR) Are you going to the lecture next week on Apogee Deterioration of the Amstat Five Eleven?
ABBY: Oh, been there, done that.
ASHTON KUGEL: (ON MONITOR) We have movement.
MUSICAL BRIDGE TO:
INT. CAR - PARKED
ABBY: (V.O./FILTERED) Gibbs, she's on the move. I'll redirect the satellite to you.
(MUSIC OVER ACTION/EGAN CLIMBS INTO HER CAR AND DRIVES AWAY)
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. MTAC ROOM
ABBY: (V.O.) Are you getting this?
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. CAR - DAY
GIBBS: Yeah.
TONY: Let's roll.
GIBBS: Hang on. Let's get some separation.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. MTAC ROOM
ABBY: She's leaving the base. She's turning onto (V.O./FILTERED) Highway Two Sixty Four going south.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. CAR - PARKED
GIBBS: Okay, Lieutenant. Let's see where you're going.
(MUSIC OVER ACTION DRIVING SCENES)
TONY: I hope she's not just popping out for a Big Mac.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. MTAC
ABBY: Where are you guys?(BEGIN TELEPHONE INTERCUTS)
(SCENE CUT)
GIBBS: (V.O.) Hanging back. A mile behind her.
(SCENE CUT)
TONY: You know, we really should have our own satellite for surveillance.
GIBBS: Yeah, okay, Tony. I'll take that up with the Director. Three hours of satellite time equals your yearly salary.
(SCENE CUT)
ABBY: She's turning.
(SCENE CUT)
KATE: We see it.
(SFX: STATIC ON THE MONITOR)
GIBBS: Abby?
(SCENE CUT)
ABBY: I think Houston has a problem. Ash what's going on?
ASHTON KUGEL: (ON MONITOR) Lost the signal. Give me a second.
(INTERCUT DRIVING SCENES)
ASHTON KUGEL: (ON MONITOR) The low-gain antenna has been intermittent. (V.O.) That's why it's off-line for maintenance.
(SCENE CUT)
TONY: We're losing her.
(SCENE CUT)
ABBY: You're the man, Ash.
(SCENE CUT)
GIBBS: Ash is the man if he gets our target back.
(MUSIC OVER ACTION/CAR DRIVING/ASHTON WORKING AT THE KEYBOARD)
ASHTON KUGEL: (ON MONITOR) I'm looking for it.
(SCENE CUT)
TONY: Take that right there.
GIBBS: We gotta take it. She did.
KATE: Then what, Abby?
(SCENE CUT)
ASHTON KUGEL: (ON MONITOR) All right, I think that's it.
ABBY: You think?
(SCENE CUT)
KATE: It better be.
(MUSIC OVER ACTION DRIVING SCENES)
MUSICAL BRIDGE TO:
EXT. WOODS - NIGHT
(CAR BRAKES TO A STOP)
(CAR DOOR OPENS/CLOSES)
(MUSIC OVER ACTION/EGAN WALKS TO THE CLEARING AND UNCOVERS THE PROTOTYPE)
GIBBS: (V.O.) Do you need a hand?
MUSICAL BRIDGE TO:
INT. NCIS SQUAD ROOM - DAY
GIBBS: You're late.
TONY: Sorry, I was at the dry cleaners.
GIBBS: So?
TONY: For Ducky.
GIBBS: So?
TONY: It was work related.
KATE: Your phone has been ringing off the hook. It's driving him crazy.
TONY: Well, she is driving me crazy.
KATE: She?
TONY: Apparently Miss "I Don't Like Tan Lines" has found something she does like. Me.
KATE: And why is that a problem?
TONY: Well, let's just say that she's a lot more appealing from a distance. A geosynchronist distance.
KATE: She didn't look so bad to me.
TONY: It's not that. She's just not my type.
GIBBS: Really? Female hard body likes to take her clothes off not your type?
TONY: I guess not.
KATE: Well why don't you just tell her that, then?
TONY: I am.
KATE: By not answering her calls?
TONY: She'll get the message.
(PHONE RINGS)
KATE: Apparently not.
GIBBS: Well, she'd better get the message soon or you're going to be getting one on a pink slip.
TONY: You can't fire me for something I have no control over!
KATE: Talk to her.
TONY: She'll get the message!
KATE: You know, I'll bet this is why number two came after you with a nine iron, wasn't it? You just refused to sit down and talk things through.
GIBBS: Actually, that wasn't it at all.
KATE: Oh. So what was it then?
GIBBS: Seven iron.
(MUSIC OUT) | Plan: A: Little Creek Naval Base; Q: Where is the naval officer murdered? A: an anonymous tip-off; Q: What led to NCIS being called in to investigate the murder of a naval officer? A: the tip-off; Q: What do Gibbs and Kate follow? A: Langley; Q: Where did McGee track the tip-off to? A: CIA; Q: What agency did McGee believe was spying on the naval base? A: Gibbs; Q: Who suspects that the motive for the murder might not be espionage related? A: a witness; Q: Who leads the team to several possible suspects? A: work; Q: What was the naval officer involved in? Summary: NCIS is called in to investigate the murder of a naval officer at Little Creek Naval Base following an anonymous tip-off. McGee manages to track the tip-off to Langley , suggesting that the CIA has been spying on the base. Gibbs and Kate follow the tip-off, coming across a witness who leads the team to several possible suspects. At first the murder seems to be tied in with work the officer was involved in, but Gibbs soon begins to suspect that the motive for the death might not actually be espionage-related and that someone else might be the true killer. |
"Max in the City" 31st Episode of Roswell
Production Code: 2ADA09
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Episode begins with a shot of Earth from space. Gradually, we zoom in on New York City. We see Max and Tess in an elevator on the way to the top of the Empire State Building)
Max: This was a mistake.
Tess: You've been looking forward to it all day.
Max: I mean this whole thing. Coming here. The city. Rath. Lonnie. It's a mistake.
Tess: Max...
Max: What do I know about war and peace and politics? I'm gonna blow it. I'm gonna sit down at this meeting and I'm gonna meet these people, and they're gonna look at me and they're gonna see this kid from New Mexico who hasn't got a clue...is this car slowing down? Are we slowing down?
Tess: Relax, relax. We're almost there.
(The elevator arrives at the top)
Tess: This is where you belong, Max...up here with the world at your feet. Like a king.
Max: I'm the king of the world.
Tess: Yes, you are...just...not of this one.
(Scene switches to the streets of New York. Roth and Lonnie walk through a restaurant)
Roth: Ooh! Yo, pastrami.
Lonnie: Yo, when he gets here...if he gets here...we're puttin' him in his place, 'cause I'm sick of gettin' attitude from him.
Roth: Mayo! Who puts mayo on pastrami? Hey, you! What kinda sick mother puts mayo on pastrami, huh? I oughta bust your head open for...
Lonnie: Drop it! He's here.
(Nicholas walks up the stairs from a subway station. He's holding a map)
Lonnie: Took you long enough. Where the hell have you been?
Nicholas: God, I hate this town.
(Opening credits)
Nicholas: So where are they?
Lonnie: They're doing the tourist thing...Empire State building, Statue of Liberty.
Nicholas: You let them wander around this open sewer alone?
Lonnie: Yo, even Max Evans can find his way from the Empire State...it's 3 blocks.
Nicholas: Better hope you're right. Without Max, no one at the summit's gonna give you two the time of day.
Rath: We're two of the royal four.
Nicholas: Royal rejects is more like it.
Rath: Hey, yo, get this straight. We are the originals. They are the rejects.
Nicholas: Ha. Uh, gee...they were carefully hidden away in Roswell and got custody of the granilith. You were dumped in the sewer. Figure that out.
Lonnie: Yo, you ain't getting the granilith without us, so just remember that.
Nicholas: You're not getting home unless I get the granilith. Remember that.
Lonnie: Here they come. Go.
(Nicholas walks back into the subway station, cursing about New York)
Nicholas: Oh, I hate this stupid, rat-infested, urine-soaked, butt-ugly town!
(Max and Tess wave from across the street)
Lonnie: Here come the losers!
(Max and Tess meet up with Rath and Lonnie)
Lonnie: Hey. So enough sight-seeing for one day?
Max: There's a lot more to see.
Tess: I could use a rest.
Lonnie: Wanna see our crib?
Max: Sure.
(Rath and Lonnie lead Max and Tess into a subway station)
Max: Rath? Lonnie?
(After walking through several tunnels, they arrive at Rath and Lonnie's lair. Lonnie relaxes on a couch, while Rath gets a hockey stick and starts shooting some balls)
Lonnie: Not quite Mayberry, is it?
Max: So this was where you were born?
Lonnie: Day one. Wake up...break through the membranes, step out of the pods into a brave new world of the sewers.
Tess: And...and now you live here?
Rath: Beats livin' in Brooklyn.
Tess: S-so, why did your protector bring your pods to New York? And why put you in the sewers?
Lonnie: What is up with you and all these questions about the shapeshifter?
Tess: Our protector raised me. His name was Nasedo, and we were very close.
Rath: Yeah? How close was that?
Max: You wanna watch where you're hitting those things?
Rath: Do I?
Max: I wanna talk about the summit. When, where, what kind of...
Rath: Chill, duke. All in good time.
Max: The time is now.
(Rath shoots a ball at Max, who catches it bare-handed)
Rath: You flexin' on me?
Lonnie: Boys...don't make me get off this couch.
(Rath puts the hockey stick away and sits down next to Lonnie on the couch. Max and Tess also sit down)
Lonnie: You are so Zan. You two done the deed yet? Made the beast with two backs? You are in for a treat.
Rath: Alien s*x, baby. Accept no imitations. Awoo! Ooh!
Max: The summit.
Lonnie: No summit until you meet the emissary. You gotta pass the test first.
Tess: Test?
Lonnie: Not you. Just him. They wanna make sure you're the real king before they sit down, but don't worry, you'll pass.
Max: So when do I meet with the...
Lonnie: Enough! Enough. We'll get you to the church on time.
(Lonnie and Rath start making out, much to Tess and Max's discomfort)
(Back in Roswell, Michael and Isabel are at the Crashdown talking about Max)
Isabel: 2 days, and not a word.
Michael: Your parents asking questions?
Isabel: They think he's gone camping again.
Michael: They gotta think he's turned into some kinda tree hugger.
Isabel: They think he doesn't wanna spend Thanksgiving with his family. He could have at least said goodbye.
Michael: You know Max. It's got nothing to do with you. It's probably got something to do with, uh...
Liz (to customer): Bye.
Isabel: Can we?
Michael: Yeah. Yeah.
Michael (to Maria): Hey, we're, uh, outta here.
Maria: Thanks for helping. So sweet of you.
(Maria walks over to Liz)
Maria: Girlfriend, we need to have a talk. You got a serious problem.
Liz: What?
Maria: A...very vicious rumor is going around about you in school, and I shouldn't make a bigger deal about it than it is, because I know we can take care of it, but it's just that, like, everybody's talking about it...
Liz: Maria.
Maria: Ok. The word is that you and Kyle slept together. I know. It's so humiliating. I know. I just can't imagine who made it up.
Liz: Um...it's true.
Maria: What? No, Liz, the rumor is that you and Kyle Valenti slept together as in, like, sexually.
Liz: I know. And...it's true.
Maria: Huh. Ok, you lost your virginity to Kyle. I mean, that is a revelation, and I don't know what that's about, but why didn't you tell me?
Liz: I was embarrassed.
Maria: That is such a completely unacceptable answer for you to give to me, your best friend in the entire world...
Liz: I didn't want to talk about it.
Maria: Why? Why didn't you want to talk about it? Why, did he hurt you or something? Was this like a date rape?
Liz: No! No, it was nothing like that, ok? I was just upset about Max, and Kyle was there for me, and we were close at one point, and one thing just led to another, and we...
Maria: And you didn't tell me.
(Liz takes some garbage outside and sees Ava sleeping in the alley)
Ava: Yo! You mind not banging that thing around?
Liz: Tess? Oh, no, no, I mean, um...
Ava: Ava.
Liz: Yes, Ava! That's right. I'm sorry. What...what are you doing here?
Ava: Trying to get some sleep.
Liz: In the alley?
(Back in New York, Max meets with the emissary)
Rath: You got it together?
(Rath leads Max to the emissary. The emissary walks behind Max and places his hand behind Max's head. A light bursts forth from the emissary's head, shooting through Max's head, and projecting an image in front of Max. 5 lights circle around and gradually form the V-shape, which is the royal seal)
Emissary: Sign here...your Highness.
(The emissary gives Max a receipt and leaves)
Rath: So you...you really are the king.
Max: It's a...it's a time card. The emissary works for a...a temp agency?
Rath: Duke, the emissary never left his crib. That body that walked outta here works for a temp agency.
Max: What?
Rath: It's like a vessel, you know? A puppet. The alien emissary far away on another planet. Human knobhead here on this planet. Emissary reaches out with his mind, takes control of the human. Human walks around like a puppet doing whatever the emissary wants him to do.
Max: Like he's...like he's possessed.
Rath: Ha. Yeah, possession. Doin' the Linda Blair, you know? Human dude never knows what happened to him. He thinks he's been frickin' abducted. Heh.
Max: I still don't understand why...
Rath: Lonnie will give you the 4-1-1 later. Now you should be celebrating.
Max: I should?
Rath: You passed, man. You are the frickin' king! Which means you earned yourself a slice of the best pizza in New York. And I'm buyin'.
(3am in Roswell. Liz calls Maria on the phone)
Maria: Hello?
Liz: Look, we need to talk in person.
Maria: It's 3:00 in the morning.
Liz: Please, Maria.
Maria: Where?
Liz: The place by the thing that we went that time with what's-her-name.
Maria: I'm there. Bye.
(Liz and Maria meet at a fountain)
Liz: I'm sorry. I know this all sounds really crazy...
Maria: No, please. Crazy is sleeping with Kyle Valenti, so, please get to that part.
Liz: Ok. So, um...right, Max...Future Max...tells me that the reason that the world comes to an end is because...get this...he and Tess weren't together when their enemies came to Earth. And the reason they weren't together was because Max and I got married.
Maria: Oh.
Liz: I know it's really confusing.
Maria: No, no, no. I'm with you. Keep going.
Liz: Future Max tells me that I have to find a way to get present day Max to fall out of love with me.
Maria: So you slept with Kyle.
Liz: No, no. Not really. I arranged it so Max saw Kyle and I in bed together, but nothing really happened.
Maria: So Max thinks that you and Kyle...
Liz: I'm sorry I lied to you.
Maria: No. I'm so sorry that I got so mad. I should have known that it was, you know, an alien thing. Are you still a virgin?
Liz: Yeah.
Maria: Ok.
Liz: Ok.
Maria: Yeah. So am I!
Liz: Vigrins!
(The next day, Maria goes to the UFO Center to deliver Brody's usual sandwich)
Maria: Brody. You didn't call for your order, so brought you one anyway. I brought you a Galaxy Sub, hold the mayo, and extra pepperjack! Oh, Mr. Davis! Hello? Brody!
(In New York, we see Brody get out of a taxi)
(Back at Rath and Lonnie's lair)
Max: So this is the royal seal?
Rath: You got it. And these are the 5 worlds of our star system.
Max: And that one...that's home? Home.
Rath: Bingo. That's how the emissary knew you were the real deal. You got the royal seal stenciled on your brain.
Max: And these other 4 worlds...they'll all be sending a representative to the summit?
Rath: Well, they'll be doing the possession thing again, you know, like the emissary.
Tess: Why don't they...come in person?
Rath: You see, little girl, space is what we call very, very big. You know, it's not easy to get places. People just don't zip around the galaxy like on Star Trek.
Lonnie: No one's coming back here again in person unless there's a good reason.
Rath: Like to bring us home.
Tess: We can go home?
Rath: Yeah, we can. If the man here cuts a deal at the summit.
Max: What kind of a deal?
Lonnie: A deal to bring peace back to our world.
Rath: And in our world...blood on the streets, baby. That dude Kivar that took your throne...people hate his ass!
Lonnie: Our mother sent our pods to earth for safekeeping, hoping we'd come back one day.
Rath: And that day is now. The word is that Kivar's desperate, and he'll do anything to end the fighting.
Lonnie: Including let us come back home.
Max: Home. I never thought...not this soon. What about Michael and Isabel?
Tess: And Ava.
Lonnie: They're expecting the royal four, not the royal seven.
Max: I am not leaving Michael and Isabel behind.
Lonnie: Look, Max...Max, they...they seem so happy...in that cute little town. Chill, chill. It'll all be ok. You'll see. It'll all fall our way...unless they bring up the granilith again.
Max: The granilith?
Rath: Yeah, yeah. It's this stupid religious thing.
Lonnie: The protector told us it's like the holy grail, some piece of junk people on our planet worship for some reason. You ever heard of it?
Max: No.
Lonnie: No.
Rath: That's too bad.
Lonnie: Yeah. Would have been a nice bargaining chip if you had.
Max: I haven't.
Lonnie: No problem. Probably won't even bring it up anyway.
(Back in Roswell, Ava has a nightmare. Liz rushes down to comfort her)
Ava: Aah!
Liz: Are you ok?
Ava: I...I saw it...and I watched it happen again.
Liz: What, what?
Ava: Zan...the accident. The way his body just lay there in the street!
Liz: Oh, shh. It's ok. It's just a dream. It was just a dream, a bad dream.
Ava: It's all my fault! I should have stopped it. I could have stopped it! I should have known. I should have known.
Liz: Known what? Known what?
(Liz and Ava sit down at a counter and talk)
Ava: I...can't talk about it. Zan was stubborn...strong. He put up a wall, and you just couldn't get through. He always tried to do everything right, to be perfect. He was like that, right up until...
Liz: You must have liked him a lot.
Ava: Yeah. I'm not sure he ever really loved me back, though.
Liz: Why?
Ava: Just a feeling. I always felt like he was waiting for someone else to walk into his life. So what about you? How'd you find out about Max? He just hauled off and dropped the bomb one day?
Liz: No. He was right over there. I was working, and, uh...he was sitting at that booth. And, um, someone brought in a gun, and it kinda went off, and I got shot. I was dying, but Max brought me back.
Ava: He brought you back.
Liz: Yeah.
(Max calls home)
Isabel: Hello?
Max: Hey, it's me.
Isabel: Max. Where are you? Are you ok?
Max: Yeah. I'm fine. I'm still in New York. I just...I wanted to call and see how everything was going. So how...how was Thanksgiving?
Isabel: It was great. Mom cried all the way from the cranberry sauce to the peach cobbler. So did I.
Max: Isabel, how would you feel...about going home?
Isabel: When you say home...
Max: I mean...home.
Isabel: Is that even possible?
Max: If it is, do you wanna go or not?
Isabel: I don't know. I mean...leaving mom and dad and Roswell and...for another planet, it just...it's...it seems crazy. It sounds crazy.
Max: Well, it isn't. And I need an answer. From you and Michael both.
Isabel: What? You can't...you can't do this! You can't just drop this on me all of a sudden. I mean, God, you just leave without even saying goodbye with those people without even discussing it with Michael and I, and now you expect me...
Max: I guess I'm just being a self-indulgent little boy again.
Isabel: What the hell is that supposed to mean?
Max: I don't want to rehash the entire thing, Vilandra.
Isabel: That's not fair.
Max: Neither was letting me hear the real story from Lonnie.
Isabel: I'm sorry, Max.
Max: It's a little late for apologies, don't you think? You should have said that the first time I confronted you.
Isabel: The first what? What are you talking about?
Max: I'll call you when the summit's over.
(Isabel realizes that Lonnie and Rath shifted into herself and Michael to trick Max. She confronts Ava and demands to know why)
Isabel: Why did Lonnie impersonate me?
Ava: I don't know.
Isabel: Why don't I believe you?
Ava: That's your problem.
(Michael stretches out his hand and blows up one of the decorations in the Crashdown)
Michael: Don't piss us off.
Isabel: Fine! We'll do this the hard way.
Liz: Ok, ok, wait, wait. It's ok.
(Liz intervenes and leads Ava away from Isabel and Michael)
Liz: Come on, Ava. Ok, ok, Ava...you told me that you had a secret that you couldn't tell anyone. But, um...if Max is in danger, you have to tell us. You lost Zan. Please don't let me lose Max. I love him, you know, and I love him just as much as you did Zan. Please, Ava...don't let me lose him. Please.
Ava: Lonnie and Rath...killed Zan. And they're probably gonna kill Max.
(Back in New York, Rath and Lonnie are giving Max some last minute advice as they're heading to the summit)
Rath: Now, you get in trouble, you look to us, and we'll help you out.
Tess: I think he'll handle it.
Rath: Hey, is someone talkin' to you, retard?
Max: All right, that's it. Let's get something clear right here, right now. I'm the one who passed the emissary's test. And that means from now on, I'm the one in charge here.
Lonnie: Understood, duke. You're the king.
Max: And for your information, her name...is Tess.
Lonnie: Rath, take Tess and go inside. I wanna talk to Max for a minute.
Rath: Come on.
(Rath leaves with Tess)
Lonnie: I'm proud of you, Max. You're everything I loved about Zan and more. You're the brother I never knew.
(Max enters the room where the summit will take place. Among the other representatives there is Brody Davis)
[SCENE_BREAK]
Max: Brody?
Larek: Actually, my name is Larek. Are you Zan?
Max: They tell me that used to be my name. But my name is Max. Max Evans.
Kathana: If he doesn't even know who he is, how can he sit in conference with us?
Larek: He sits with us because the emissary certified him. Kathana, Sero, Hanar, and I will represent each of our worlds. Max will speak for his.
Nicholas: Actually, Kivar speaks for his world. And I speak for Kivar. Max. Nice to see your genocidal girlfriend again. Killed anyone today?
Tess: Day's not over.
Nicholas: What a charmer.
Larek: Can we begin?
Lonnie: You know him?
Max: Long story. He was in Roswell.
Rath: Be careful.
Max: That much I know.
(Back at the Crashdown)
Isabel: We've got to find a way to warn Max. He's in the middle of the summit right now.
Michael: Where's the summit being held?
Ava: Some building downtown.
Michael: You gotta do better than that.
Ava: I don't know anything more.
Liz: Hey, Isabel, um...can't you dreamwalk Max? You know, um...put a warning in his mind. You've done it before, you know, when he was in the white room.
Isabel: That was different. He was drugged. I was only a few miles away. He's across the country now.
Michael: I think we're out of alternatives.
(Back at the summit)
Larek: We're here in the spirit of reconciliation. We're not here to rehash the past, point fingers, and assign blame.
Hanar: Can we get to it? We're here to end 50 years of misery and suffering among our worlds. Kathana attacks Kivar. Kivar attacks Sero. Sero attacks me. The situation is intolerable!
Sero: Agreed! We have to find a solution.
Nicholas: And Kivar has a solution. Kivar will abdicate the throne and allow the royal four to return home under the following conditions: 1) Max becomes king only in name. All real power and government remains in Kivar's hands, 2) Max calls upon his followers to lay down their weapons and support the new government, and 3) Most importantly...Max returns the granilith to us.
Kathana: The granilith?
Nicholas: No, it's no longer on our world. Yes, we've known about it for a long time. No, Kivar decided he didn't need to tell you. And, yes, we know where it is. It's with Max.
Larek: Is this true, Max?
Max: It's here.
Lonnie: What?
Nicholas: So there you have it. Max comes home with the granilith. All is forgiven. Do we have a deal?
Max: I...need to think about this.
Larek: I'd be surprised if you didn't. But be quick about it. Holding onto these bodies isn't easy. In fact, it's chewing up huge amounts of our resources. 20 minutes, Max...then I need an answer.
Max: You'll have it.
(Max and Tess leave to think about the offer)
Max: Cut a deal with Nicholas? I don't trust him any more than I can throw him.
Tess: You could throw him pretty far.
Max: Then there's Lonnie and Rath. It's hard to believe they have the same DNA of Michael and Isabel.
Tess: For what it's worth...I don't trust them.
Max: And then there's this whole thing about the granilith.
Tess: Why did you lie to Lonnie and Rath about the granilith, anyway?
Max: There was something Liz said...just before we left. She told me the granilith could be dangerous if it fell into the wrong hands.
Tess: How does she know that?
Max: She wouldn't say.
Tess: But she's never even seen the granilith.
Max: I know. I know. But I just keep thinking about it...the way she said it...she seemed so sure. I just don't know what to do.
Tess: Whatever you do...it'll be the right choice. I'm sure of it.
Max: Why?
Tess: Because despite whatever Nicholas said about you in there, I know that you were a great man in that other life. A great king. I know it in my bones.
Max: All you've ever done...is trust me, been there for me whenever I needed you. I've never done anything to deserve that kind of loyalty.
Tess: I think in that other life...you must have been one great husband.
(Nicholas is also taking a break from the summit. Lonnie secretly meets with him)
Nicholas: God, I hate this town. Hello?
Lonnie: Yo.
Nicholas: Yo yourself.
Lonnie: Miss me?
Nicholas: Always. Can't wait to see more of you.
Lonnie: Well, that'll have to wait until we get home.
Nicholas: Let's be clear, Lonnie. You don't get home unless I get the granilith.
Lonnie: Let me be clear, Nicholas. I don't give a damn whether or not you get the granilith. I'm going home.
Nicholas: Big talk for a woman with no cards to play.
Lonnie: I got cards. I just haven't shown them to you yet. You know, I'm not like the others. I remember our world. I remember Kivar. And I remember what it was like to be Vilandra. I want that life, and I'll do what I have to to get back. Be on my side, and you'll benefit. Be against me, and...well, it would be a mad, crazy idea to be against me. Don't worry about Max. He's a cornball. He'll go for the deal. He'll go for the deal because millions of lives hang in the balance. Besides, he wants to go home and give mommy a kiss and get fitted for his crown.
Nicholas: He won't live long enough to wear it. Kivar wants him dead.
Lonnie: Well, I'd have to be a special kind of stupid not to have figured that out.
Nicholas: If he takes the deal, there'll be a nice public execution to attend. If he doesn't take the deal, Kivar still wants him dead.
Lonnie: I can arrange that. What's in it for me?
Nicholas: Passage home. But just you. The freak with the mohawk stays here.
Lonnie: Yeah, I can live with that. See you at the summit.
Nicholas: What a woman.
(Back at the Crashdown)
Isabel: Damn it! It's not working. I can't reach him.
Michael: Yeah, but you gotta try again.
Isabel: Won't do any good. He's not hearing me.
Liz: Ok, so um, what's plan "B"?
Isabel: There isn't one.
Ava: Liz can do it.
Isabel: What?
Liz: What are you talking about?
Ava: Max brought you back from the dead. You've been changed.
Liz: What do you mean by changed?
Ava: Look, there ain't enough time to explain. You just gotta trust me here. If Max brought you back, then...you're different now.
(Back at the summit)
Lonnie: Can I have a minute with my brother? You lied to me. I don't like it. But there it is. But what's about to go down in there is a helluva lot bigger than you and I, Max. Millions of lives hang in the balance. Millions of people may die if we don't stop this fighting. So this is not about whether you and I go home. We are nothing in the scheme of things. This is about the greater good. After you, your Highness.
(Back at the Crashdown)
Isabel: Liz...take my hand.
Liz: I don't know why, but I'm really scared to do this. You know, if you can't contact him, what makes you think I can?
Isabel: I know my brother, and I know that if there is one voice he will hear no matter where he is, no matter what he's doing, it's yours. Take my hand, Liz.
(Back at the summit)
Larek: Well, Max, have you made your decision?
Max: Yes, I have. And the answer is no. I will not give up the granilith to you. Not to you, not to Kivar, not to anyone. It was entrusted to me.
Nicholas: You're all witnesses. Kivar tried to be reasonable, tried to extend a hand of peace...and had it slapped away. Our business is at an end here. Our offers are withdrawn.
Kathana: You made a lot of enemies here today.
Nicholas: Do you ever wonder why your predecessor was killed? He made bad decisions.
(Nicholas leaves)
Larek: You don't remember any of this, I'm sure, but...our families used to be very close. You and I practically grew up together. I was there at your father's funeral. At your coronation, your wedding. We were friends. And it was so painful to watch you fall, to see you trying so hard to make a better world for your people. And then to watch you have it all taken away by a man like Kivar...I told you you were trying to do too much too soon, that change takes time. But you wouldn't listen. You just kept...what's the point? It's all ancient history now. What a shame it is to see history repeat itself.
(Larek leaves)
(Max, Tess, Rath, and Lonnie are walking through the streets of New York)
Rath: What's up with you, huh? You just threw away our only chance of ever getting home!
Max: Maybe.
Rath: Hey, who do you think you are, huh? Makin' big-time life decisions for Lonnie and me? You think you're the man...is that it?
Max: That's right. I am the man.
Rath: Ok, you the man. Screw Nicholas. Screw 'em all.
Lonnie: Screw 'em tight. We'll find another way home.
Rath: I'm mad hungry. Let's go get a slice.
Lonnie: Sick of pizza. Chinatown.
Rath: I'm with that.
(Max, Tess, Rath, and Lonnie are walking along a street. Rath grabs Tess and covers her mouth with his hand. Lonnie reaches out with her hand and uses her power to loosen a platform above Max. Max is staring out into the street and sees Liz. She's calling out to him, but he can't hear what she's saying. He takes 2 steps forward and the platform crashes down where he was standing only seconds before. Liz disappears. Max looks around to find that Tess, Rath, and Lonnie have all disappeared as well)
Max: Liz? Tess? Tess!
(Max runs back to Rath and Lonnie's lair and finds Tess sitting there in the middle of the floor)
Max: Tess! Tess! Tess, are you all right?
Tess: I don't know.
Max: What happened?
Tess: They tried to get inside my head, find out where the granilith is. I...I didn't want them to...so I fought back.
Max: How?
Tess: I...I don't know.
Max: Where are they?
Tess: I don't know.
Max: Tess...Tess, are you all right?
Tess: I'm ready to go home now. Home to Roswell.
Max: Ok.
(Back in Roswell, Max discusses what happened with Isabel)
Isabel: So in the end, what made you decide not to take the deal?
Max: I was going to. I was gonna take the chance that...that Nicholas was telling the truth. But in the end, I realized that...that any deal which meant leaving you and Michael behind...was something I couldn't do. You're my sister, Isabel. Isabel, Vilandra...whatever your name is, it doesn't matter to me. You're my sister, and I love you...and that comes first. Always.
Isabel: Thank you.
(At the Crashdown, Ava is ready to go off on her own. Liz is seeing her off)
Liz: Good-bye. Good luck, ok?
Ava: Thanks. You, too.
(Liz hugs Ava)
Ava: So cornball.
Liz: Ok.
(Ava leaves)
(Inside the Crashdown, Brody tells Maria what he remembers about his recent possession)
Brody: Why...why would they take me again?
Maria: Well...maybe...you're special. How 'bout a Galaxy Sub, hold the mayo?
Brody: Sounds great. I don't think they fed me.
Maria: Yeah. Probably not.
Brody: Maria. Don't forget the...
Maria: Pepperjack. Who do you think you're dealing with here? Come on.
(Inside Liz's room, Max and Liz have a talk)
Liz: I keep looking for some sort of change.
Max: You mean like...
(Max puts two fingers on top of Liz's head, as if she has alien antennae)
Liz: Yeah. Something like that. It's nice to see you smile again.
Max: I want to thank you for saving my life.
Liz: I guess that makes us even.
Max: And...I'd like to...start again...our friendship, that is. I mean...I miss it.
Liz: Yeah. Um...I miss it, too.
Max: There's just one thing I have to say. One thing I have to ask...and...I promise I'll never ask it again.
Liz: Yeah. Go ahead.
Max: Did you...sleep with Kyle?
(Liz nods slightly)
Max: Ok. I'll see you tomorrow.
(Max climbs out the window and leaves)
(Scene fades out with Liz frustrated that things have to be this way, that she can't tell Max the truth) | Plan: A: Max; Q: Who finds Tess after she is kidnapped? A: the interstellar summit; Q: What do Max and Tess depart for in New York City? A: Rath and Lonnie, Michael and Isabel's duplicates; Q: Who are the duplicates of Michael and Isabel? A: a secret agenda; Q: What do Rath and Lonnie harbor for their future king? A: an alliance; Q: What do Rath and Lonnie want to form with Nicholas? A: the Skin; Q: Who is Nicholas? A: Rath & Lonnie; Q: Who murdered Zan? A: their true intentions; Q: What does Max learn about Rath and Lonnie? A: her mind; Q: What did Rath and Lonnie try to read from Tess? A: the Granolith; Q: What did Rath and Lonnie want to find from Tess? A: goodbye; Q: What does Ava say to Liz before leaving Roswell? Summary: Max and Tess depart for the interstellar summit in New York City with Rath and Lonnie, Michael and Isabel's duplicates, who both harbor a secret agenda for their future king and an alliance with Nicholas, the Skin. Ava reveals to Liz that Rath & Lonnie murdered Zan. Tess is kidnapped by the dupes after Max learns of their true intentions. When Max finally finds Tess she reveals that they tried to read her mind to find the Granolith but she resisted. She then says that they're gone -- but did they die or are they still out there? Ava says goodbye to Liz and leaves Roswell. |
[PREVIOUSLY_ON]
Nathan : Hey, I'm fine, you see ?
Jamie : Don't play slamball anymore, daddy.
Sam : What's your version of grounded ?
Brooke : One week for letting some skeevy fratvestite ruin Peyton's wedding dress. And we're gonna take another week for throwing an underage keg party in your foster parent's upscale boutique.
Peyton : How about we do that USO show ?
Derek : You'd do that ?
Peyton : Sure. That's what family does, right ?
Gigi : Don't.
Mouth : Gigi, I have a girlfriend.
Gigi : And she doesn't have to know.
Julian : You've gotten even more beautiful.
Peyton : What are you doing here, Julian ?
Julian : Haven't you heard I'm optioning your fiance's book.
Peyton : Like hell you are...
Julian : Actually, it's already done. I'm quite charming. But you know that, baby.
Peyton : I need to tell you something...
Lucas : Does it involve this ?
Peyton : We were in love.
ONE TREE HILL.
At USO show.
Peyton : Hey marines ! How's everybody doing tonight ? The crowd screams.
Peyton : All right, that's fantastic ! It is so great to be here tonight ! Now, I'm so pumped to introduce our first act tonight. She's a very dear friend of mine, and also an amazing talent ! Please, give it up for Haley James Scott ! Haley enters the stage, but keeps quiet. She finally wakes up in her bed. Views of Brooke & Sam & Millie, Gigi & Mouth. Back to Nathan & Haley's house.
Nathan : Haley ?
Haley : Hey, I'm in here. How'd it go at the doctor's ? She finds Nate in his wheelchair. But he laughs and gets down.
Haley : That is so not funny...
Nathan : Yeah, I guess you're right. I'm fine. I'm supposed to take it easy for a few days, that's all.
Haley : Okay.
Nathan : So you're excited for the USO show ?
Haley : Honestly, no. I had this nightmare last night, that I got un on stage and I forgot the words of my song. I completely forgot. I just stood here. What am I gonna do if that happens tonight ?
Nathan : Do you have any instrumental hits ? It was just a dream, Haley. You're gonna be grat, okay ? And I can't wait to see my sexy girl on stage.
Haley : Not a chance. The doctor said you should stay home and relax, and you need to listen to him.
Nathan : I think I can handle a concert.
Haley : Not gonna happen. Besides, I don't want to overwhelm you with my sexiness...when I'll throw up all over the stage.
Nathan : Come on. Do you remember the first time you sang to me at the cafe ? Well, if you get nervous, just close your eyes, and pretend like you're back there, and it's just you and me, all right ?
Haley : Yeah. I like that. Thank you. I love you, Nathan Scott.
Nathan : I love you. In Lucas & Peyton's bedroom. Lucas wakes up and find Peyton's face above his.
Peyton : You said "okay". Last night, when I told you that Julian and I used to be in love, you said "okay".
Lucas : Okay.
Peyton : No, no, you can't just say it's okay, all right ? You're supposed to be jealous, or ask questions...Or get mad.
Lucas : Okay. Lucas kisses Peyton, gets down and leaves.
Peyton : You can stop with the okays ! It's not okay... At Brooke's home. The girls are having breakfast.
Sam : Are they okay ?
Brooke : Delicious. But, you know, my complete guide "Raising a teenager" says that if your teen cooks for you, they're likely to ask for something or confess to something. So let me tell you right now, whatever you did, I'm so impressed. You're not in trouble.
Sam : I just wanted to do something nice for you.
Brooke : Really ?
Sam : Besides, I think that book says "breakfast in bed and doing the dishes after", wich is not happening.
Brooke : I see. So, are you excited to work for Peyton at the concert tonight ? get backstage with Angels & Airwaves ?
Sam : Yeah, I guess it'll be pretty cool. The phone rings.
Brooke : No, let the machine get it. I want to enjoy this time with you, wich my book says will rarely, if ever, happen. Brooke's voice on the machine : You're reached Brooke Davis, you know what to do.
A woman voice : Hi Brooke, it's Patricia from the adoption agency. I need to speak with you, regarding placement for a newborn. Please, call me as soon as possible.
Sam : Wow, you're like the new Angelina. At Mouth's flat. Mouth is sleeping on the couch. His cell rings and wakes him up.
Millie : Hey, it's me.
Mouth : Millie ? Hi ! How are you ?
Millie : Great. What'd you do last night ?
Mouth : Uh, last night ? I...I just worked again late. I worked late.
Millie: Well, I just wanted to let you know that I'm back, and I'll be home shortly.
Mouth : Oh, great, shortly. T...That's awesome. How long do you think you'll be ?
Millie : Uh, 5, maybe 10 minutes ?
Mouth : Oh, great. I'll...I'll see you then.
Millie : See you then. Oh, and, Marvin, can you do one small thing for me, before I get there ?
Mouth : Yeah, sure, anything.
Millie : Get that slut out of my bed. At Julian's hotel room. Lucas is knocking at the door, Julian opens.
Julian : Oh, hey Luke, How you doing ? Lucas punches Julian.
Lucas : Okay. Lucas leaves. At Nathan's. Lucas is sat on the couch, Nathan brings a ice pocket to him.
Nathan : It's okay for the movie ?
Lucas : Hell, no !
Nathan : Why not ?
Lucas : Why not ? The entire time the guy's been in town, he's been pretending not to know Peyton.
Nathan : I'm sure he has his reasons.
Lucas : Bro', I came over here so that you could compliment me on knocking the guy out.
Nathan : I'm just sayin' sometimes it's better to walk away.
Lucas : Who are you right now ?
Nathan : Hales, tell him !
Haley : What ?
Nathan : I had to have a little talk with her about walking away, too.
Haley : Oh, you're just full of funny today, aren't you ? What happened to you ?
Nathan : He decked Julian.
Haley : Why ?
Nathan : He was dating Peyton in L.A.
Haley : Really ?
Lucas : Yeah, apparently, they were in love...
Haley : Nice ! Sorry. I just really appreciate when the drama's not about us.
Lucas : Yeah, you guys suck right know. You know that ?
Haley : All right, I'm off. Jamie and Orval are at Andre's for the night.
Lucas : Who's Orval ?
Haley : Orval is Jamie's imaginary. Well, he's technically Chester's imaginary friend, but Jamie takes him places.
Nathan : Seriously ?
Haley : Yeah. oh, come on, if Orval's the worst of our worries, I think we're doing pretty good. Okay, wish me luck !
Nathan : Good luck. They kiss. Haley leaves. Luke came up to Nate to kiss him too.
Lucas : Mmm wish me luck too !
Nathan : Ugh, get out of here !
Lucas : Thanks for the ice, and...No, actuelly, just thank you for the ice.
Haley : Come on, punchy, you can tell me all about it. Haley and Luke leave.
Nathan : Imaginary friend...I knew my kid would end up weird.
Quentin : Now, why you got to go call having an imaginary friend weird ? At Mouth's. Mouth tries to wake up Gigi.
Mouth : Gigi, get up !
Gigi : Mmmh, come back to bed, baby.
Mouth : No. No, no, no. And don't call me baby ! Come on, you got to go !
Gigi : Why ? What's the problem ?
Mouth : The problem is millicent, my girlfriend, who's gonna be here any second !
Gigi : You think she'd like to join us ?
Mouth : I think she wants to kill us ! Me...There's no us. Come on, Gigi ! Move your ass. And don't say "You'd like that", and don't say "I will if you watch", and don't say "You first". Please, you're killing me !
Gigi : Fine. Man, my head hurts. I can't believe I let you get me drunk and take advantage of me last night.
Mouth : I didn't get you drunk. And I definitely did not take advantage of you.
Gigi : Then, why am I in your t-shirt ?
Mouth : You don't remember ? You puked all over yourself and then passed out. I washed your shirt.
Gigi : Thanks. You're such a good guy.
Mouth : Yeah, well, I'm gonna be a dead guy if I don't get you out of here, seriously. I'll see you at work, but...I'll get your shirt.
Gigi : Mouth...Here's yours...
Mouth : Oh my God... Gigi is undressing, Mouth quits the room. At Brooke's. Millie arrives, she looks angry.
Brooke : No. Whatever it is, I can't deal with anoter store incident.
Millie : There was a girl in my bed.
Brooke : Are you coming-out ?
Millie : No, it was Gigi ! She was in my bed !
Brooke : Wait ! You and Mouth had a three-way with the hot high-school ex ? Really ?
Millie : Actually, Marvin and Gigi had a slumber party last night. I walked in this morning, and found that tramp-faced whore slut bitch in my bed !
Brooke : With Mouth ?
Millie : No, he was on the couch !
Brooke : So, then, what's the problem ?
Millie : Do you think he cheated ?
Brooke : Millie, you and Mouth are like head-over-heels for each other. Why would he want to screw that up ?
Millie : Maybe because I don't sleep with him ?
Brooke : What ?
Millie : I'm a virgin and Mouth isn't. And i'm sure he has needs and what if he fulfilled them ?
Brooke : Back up a second. You're a virgin ? You live together and you share a bed, and you are still...intact ? Well, you do the other stuff, though, right ? like, you know, the j's, h or b ? Nothing at all ? it's like finding a bigfoot, or a unicorn or something !
Millie : Maybe I should just have s*x with him...
Brooke : No, no, no. It is not all about s*x. Trust me. That boy loves you for exactly who you are. You just need to go home, and you need to talk to him about this, okay ?
Millie : Okay.
Brooke : Okay.
Millie : Thanks, Brooke.
Brooke : So, not even...
Millie : No.
Brooke : Waw... At USO.
Man's voice : Test on one. Test on two.
Peyton : Hey ! It is gonna get really chaotic today, so in case I forget to say it later, thank you for helping me.
Sam : Well, I got to pay you back for your wedding dress somehow. This seems like a pretty cool way to do it.
Peyton : Yeah, about that. Peyton hits Sam's head.
Peyton : Tonight will pay for, like, a sleeve. But as long as you don't ruin anything else, I might let you live.
Sam : So, can I ask you a question without getting slapped ?
Peyton : Depends on what the question is.
Sam : Brooke told me you were adopted. I was just wondering if you ever met your birth parents.
Peyton : Uh yeah, both of them, one pretty recently. That didn't turn out so great, but my other parents are always gonna be my real parents, you know ?
Sam : Seems kind of greedy, though, don't you think ? I mean, you've got like, what, four parents ? I've got none.
Peyton : Well, you have Brooke, and she's pretty great, right ?
Sam : Yeah, but it's not gonna last. I mean, she's getting another baby.
Peyton : A baby ? How ?
Sam : You see, when two people love each other...Some lady from the adoption agency called, said they had a kid for her.
Derek : Hey, little sister.
Peyton : Hi ! Um, Derek, this is Sam. Sam, this is my brother, Derek. It's a long story. We have the same father.
Derek : If you'd call him that, he's an ass.
Peyton : Oooooh ! Derek has issues like you do ! You're gonna have to let it go.
Derek : It's a long story, but I'll explain everything. At Mouth's. Mouth and Millie are talking together.
Mouth : We were working late, and Gigi got drunk.
Millie : At work ?
Mouth : Well, yeah, but it was after hours.
Millie : You were drunk with your intern after hours ?
Mouth : It sounds worse than it was. Nothing happened. Gigi couldn't drive, and I didn't want to look like some creepy older guy carrying a drunk coed into the dorms.
Millie : She could have taken a cab, or the couch at least.
Mouth : I was just being respectful.
Millie : I think you're paying too much respect to the wrong girl.
Mouth : I'm sorry. I swear it was innocent, Millie. You know you can trust me.
Millie : It's not you I'm worried about...And I've a new rule. Nobody exept us in our bed. Not ever. And burn the sheets. At Nathan's. Nate is playing basketball video game. Q appears next to him.
Quentin : Still here.
Nathan : Why ? How ?
Quentin : Why ? Because you need me right now. How ? Well, maybe I'm in your head. Or maybe I'm still alive. Nope, I'm still dead.
Nathan : What do you want, Q ?
Quentin : What do I want ? What do you want, Nate, huh ? Ain't you got a slamball championship game to be playing in tonight or something ?
Nathan : I quit.
Quentin : You quit. Not much of a comeback. At USO. Haley is waiting for Peyton.
Haley : Oh, Peyton, hey !
Peyton : Ah !
Haley : We just have a small problem. I can't perform tonight.
Peyton : What ? Why ?
Haley : Because, listen, I'm rusty and they're gonna hate me, and I'm gonna ruin the show.
Peyton : No, no, you're not gonna ruin the show. You're gonna be great.
Haley : No, I'm gonna ruin the show because I'm nervous. And I can't even remember the lines to my own song.
Mia : Well, well. Did I just hear what I thought I heard ? Someone's a little nervous ?
Haley : Don't even start with me, you little brat.
Mia : Nice. Is that how you speak to your students ?
Sam : Yeah.
Peyton : Mia, this is Sam. She's gonna be your assistant tonight. So, anything you want, ask her. She has a debt to pay off.
Mia : Hey, Sam, how about we just hang, though ? I don't think I'm a diva enough to have an assistant.
Peyton : Hey, thank you again for being a part of all this, Mia.
Mia : I wouldn't miss it for anything. And, besides, if Haley's gonna suck, I wouldn't miss that for anything, either ! She smiles and put her hand on Haley's shoulder.
Mia : You're gonna be fine, Hales. Besides, if you're not, who's even gonna notice ?
Haley (showing the people) : Them.
Mia : Waw, look at the cry out loud there, they're all waiting for you !
Haley : Yeah, kind of like all the people waiting for your second record, huh ?
Mia : Right. It's gonna be fine. Peyton enters the stage.
Peyton : Hey, marines ! How's everybody doing tonight ? The crowd screams.
Peyton : All right, that's good to hear ! I got to tell you, I am so excited to be here tonight, and it's such an honor to be able to do this for my brother and his family ! Thank you guys for having us ! Haley, backstage.
Haley : Mia, I forgot the first line of my song ! Tell me what the first line of my song is !
Mia : "It's gotta be this one, You don't have to fake it." Now, go get them !
Peyton (From the stage) : Please give it up for the one and only Haley James Scott ! Haley enters the stage and starts singing Feel This. Backstage.
Sam : It's so weird to see my teacher being majorly cheered for.
Mia : Well, get used to it. Your teacher's a badass.
Sam : Yeah, I guess. So, is it fun, being on the road ?
Mia : Oh, dude, it's awesome. But sometimes, it's hard sleeping in a different place every night.
Sam : Yeah, I've done that. At Nate's. Nate is playing video game, while Q tries to make him realize some stuffs.
Quentin : You probably feel guilty, huh ? Scaring Haley and J'Luke like that, after they let you play and all ? Yeah, it's probably a good thing that you quit. Got anything to say about that, huh ? Nate !
Nathan : I'm ignoring you.
Quentin : Oh, you're ignoring me ? You're ignoring me ? Oh, well, let me ask you this, Nate, huh ? Did you quit basketball, or did you just quit slamball ?
Nathan : What do you want from me ? Huh ?
Quentin : Now i'm ignoring you. Backstage. Peyton is listening to Hales, Julian wants to talk with her.
Julian : Great, you're ignoring me, but you know that'll only work for about a minute, and then you're gonna crack a smile.
Peyton : What do you want from me ? I'm busy.
Julian : I need to talk to Lucas.
Peyton : Okay, you should do that, then. Brooke is looking at Sam, Lucas arrives.
Lucas : Hey, Brooke. Good show, huh ?
Brooke : Oh, I might just be in heaven : there are hot men in uniform everywhere I look and I am the proud owner of a happy teen.
Lucas : Hey, let me ask you something. Has Peyton ever mentioned this Julian guy ?
Brooke : Here we go. P. Sawyer finally told you.
Lucas : You knew.
Brooke : Only because she didn't know how to tell you. I was just the practice dummy. She knew how excited you were about the movie, and she didn't want to ruin this for you. By the way, you're not allowed to be mad.
Lucas : Really ? I'm not allowed to be mad that she hooked up with this guy right after we broke up ?
Brooke : It was not right after. And seriously ? You tried to hook up with me the night after you guys broke up ! I would never tell Peyton that. But Lucas, you almost married Lindsey ! Julian was just a rebound.
Lucas : Do girls fall in love with rebounds ?
Brooke : Everytime. But it's not real love. Your head tricks you into it to protect you from the crushing pain your heart is putting you through. So go. Kiss it out. It's gonna be fine.
Lucas : I would...If I could squeeze in between her and rebound guy. On stage. Haley finishes her song and quit the stage. Peyton enters.
Peyton : All right you guys. I'm a huge fan of the next act we have. She is youg, she is very, very hot. Backstage.
Mia : Hear that ? YOUNG.
Haley : Hey, I think I saw Jason out there. Peyton (presenting Mia to the crowd) : She has a huge voice ! On stage.
Peyton : Please, give it up for Mia Catalano ! Mia enters.
Mia : Hey guys ! I just wanted to mention that I'm single ! Just throwing that out there. She starts singing You Can't Break A Broken Heart. Backstage.
Derek : You were great.
Haley : Oh my Gosh, it's so good to see you ! Hi !
Derek : Are you going on tour anytime soon ?
Haley : Oh, no, no tour for me, not since I had my baby boy.
Derek : Must have been a tough decision for you.
Haley : No, not really. It's exciting, the cheers from the crowd, but they can't take the place of my family. That's what I want the most.
Derek : Well, your son's lucky to have a mom that chose him over her career. I wasn't so lucky.
Haley : Yeah. I'm sorry. We...We all make different choices, and different things. I think eventually we learn to define happiness for ourselves on our own terms, in spite of the pain other people have caused to us, you know ? Mouth's office. Mouth is working when Gigi comes.
Gigi : Thanks for last time, Mouth. I'm really sorry I got so wasted. We could have slept in the same bed, though, I wouldn't have attacked you or anything.
Mouth : I don't think Millie would have been okay with us sleeping in the same bed.
Gigi : But you would have been okay with it ?
Mouth : That's not what I meant. I wouldn't be okay with it because Millie wouldn't be okay with it.
Gigi : So, if Millie were okay with it, then...
Mouth : Let's just finish the piece, and I think we need to be a little more professional.
Gigi : You're kind of hot, when you're mad ! Backstage.
Brooke : You must be Julian.
Julian : Brooke Davis, I've read all about you.
Brooke : Good. Then you know being the third person in a Lucas/Peyton love triangle usually doesn't end well.
Julian : For who ?
Brooke : I think it's pretty clear in the book. If you're not Lucas or Peyton, you should just forget it. And just so you know, they are two of my best friends. So if you mess with them, I will mess with you.
Julian : That sounds like fun.
Peyton : Don't you have a blackberry coma to fall into ?
Julian : I love feisty Peyton.
Peyton : Do me a favor. Stop flirting with my best friend.
Julian : I think she's jealous.
Peyton : Come on, Brooke. We have to announce a band.
Brooke : We do ? You're right ! We have a band to announce.
Julian : Yes. At Nate's.
Quentin : Watch this play, right here. He's about to throw an alley-oop to the dude right behind the line. Called it !
Nathan : You know, you're kind of ruining the game !
Quentin : Come on, man, you knew that was gonna happen ! I just said it out loud. Ooh !
Nathan : I'm calling it quits, because I don't want to end up back in that weelchair, all right ? I won't do that to Haley and Jamie again.
Quentin : Oh, okay. So you're quitting for Haley and Jamie...Sure of that, baby, if that's your excuse.
Nathan : Look, I worked hard. And my dream started to come true again, and I started to believe that people just go through things, challenges that make them stronger. And then, you are gone. All right ? I showed up at the River Court, and you never came. And that was it, just like that. And I realized that...That we're not invincible. Dreams die.
Quentin : So what ? What you gonna do, Nate ? Sit here on this couch and watch ball on TV, afraid to live ? That's what you're gonna do ? That really pisses me off, Nate. You know why ? 'Cause you got a second chance, man. You did. I wish I did. Backstage. Lucas is looking at Peyton who speaks with soldiers. Julian joins him.
Julian : How's the hand ? I figured if you knew I had a history with Peyton, you wouldn't work with me. Look, I believe in the book. I want to make the movie.
Lucas : I'm not interested.
Julian : Come on, Luke, it's gonna be great.
Lucas : There's not gonna be a movie.
Julian : Well, at the risk of getting punched again, I own the option to the book. So it's happening. With or without you. On stage. Peyton & Brooke come to announce AvA.
Peyton : Hey, everybody, this is my friend, Brooke. She was begging me to come out and say "Hi" to you guys.
Brooke : Hi, boys ! It's an honnor to be here.
Peyton : We just want to thank you guys so much for everything. We appreciate all that you do, and we appreciate every single one of you.You guys are the real rock stars. So, thank you very, very much ! So, without further ado, let's give it up for...
Brooke & Peyton : Angels and Airwaves ! Girls leave the stage. AvA starts playing Secret Crowds. Backstage.
Peyton : So, word is you're gonna have a baby ? She's scared, you know ?
Brooke : What do you mean ?
Peyton : She told me about the phone call from the adoption agency. You should talk to her about it. I'm pretty sure she thinks her days with you are numbered. At Nate's. Nathan is watching a slamball game on TV.
TV : Here at slamball, as the Slashers take home the 2008 slamball title by knocking... Nathan turns off the TV.
Nathan : Guess they didn't need me after all.
Quentin : Yeah, I guess you didn't need them either.
Nathan : You know, there's more in life than basketball.
Quentin : Oh, is that right ?
Nathan : Yeah. Everytime I get to see Jamie laugh, I mean, that's a dream come true. Everytime I get to hold haley, it's a dream come true. They're my life.
Quentin : And you owe it to them. To be the very best version of yourself, man. The version where you fight for what you want. The version where you're not afraid to be great. You're better for them when you're living your dreams, man. And there is nothing...Nothing selfish about that. At Mouth's office.
Gigi : Hey ! Millie, right ? Mouth's not here right now.
Millie : I know. I'm here to see you.
Gigi : What's up ?
Millie : I know you've had some sort of high-school puppy-love with Marvin, but you need to back off.
Gigi : I don't know what you're talking about.
Millie : I think you do, and I don't trust you or like you. So, how about you stay out of my bed, and stay away from Marvin ? Backstage of USO. Mia & Sam are talking, Brooke arrives.
Brooke : Hey ! Awesome. Um, can I borrow you for a second ? Brooke and Sam walk away from Mia.
Brooke : Look, I want to talk to you about the message from this morning about the baby.
Sam : It's none of my business.
Brooke : It is absolutely your business, Sam.
Sam : Look, I get it, okay ? Everybody wants the puppy, not the mutt. It's happened before. I know what happens next. You get the baby, I go back to the pound.
Brooke : You are not going to the pound. I don't ever want you to feel threatened or afraid that I'm gonna ask you to leave. My home is your home, now, Sam. And it's gonna be that way as long as you want it to be. Okay ?
Sam : Okay...Okay. They hug, Sam starts crying. View of AvA, then back to backstage. Luke is watching the show, Peyton comes and hugs.
Peyton : I'm sorry. They kiss.
Peyton : Did Julian talk to you ?
Lucas : Yeah.
Peyton : And ?
Lucas : I'm not gonna do the movie.
Peyton : What ?
Lucas : He's gonna make it anyway.
Peyton : No, he can't ! He can't do that without you.
Lucas : I signed the rights over to him. He can do whatever he wants with it.
Peyton : Luke, he can't just take it away from you.
Lucas : Look, Peyton, I don't wanna work with him, okay ? I don't trust the guy. I just want him out of our lives.
Peyton : This is my fault. I should have just told you right away.
Lucas : Look, it's okay. There will be other books, other movies.
Peyton : Yeah, but...
Lucas : It's okay. It's okay. View of the show, back to backstage.
Peyton : Hey, big brother, what do you think ?
Derek : I think it couldn't have been better. Thank you, Peyton.
Peyton : Oh, my God, it was nothing. I'm happy I could do it.
Derek : It means a lot to the marines...And to me. And it...It made me realize I've wasted to much time being upset about the family I didn't have. I need to spend more time being thankful for the family I do have.
Peyton : Feels kind of good to let it go, doesn't it ? Peyton and Derek leaves.
Sam : Hey, thank you for letting me hang out with you all night. It was way cool. Um, not to be lame or anything, but, can I get your autograph ?
Mia : Sure ! You know what ? How about I give my number instead ? Call me sometimes, and we'll hang out.
Sam : Really ?
Mia : Yeah. Peyton, Haley and Brooke are really cool, but they're kind of boring. At Mouth's office. Mouth works on the computer when Gigi arrives.
Gigi : I thought I'd head home.
Mouth : Sure, that's fine.
Gigi : You think you could walk me to my car ? I'm not hitting on you. It's dark, and they never found out who killed Quentin Fields. And it creeps me out.
Mouth : Okay. They walk on the parking lot.
Gigi : This is me. Sorry to be such a girl.
Mouth : Ah, no problem. Drive safe.
Gigi : Mouth ? I don't wanna cause any trouble with you and your girlfriend. I'll try to be better about it.
Mouth : I appreciate that. Gigi hugs Mouth. Backstage. Peyton gives a thing to a man.
Peyton : Oh, hey, thank you very much.
Julian : Peyton, can I talk to you ?
Peyton : Oh, you have a lot of nerve. You show up in Tree Hill unannounced, you get Lucas to sign his book over, and then you tell him you're gonna make the movie without him ?
Julian : Okay, that's not exactly what happened. I apologized to Lucas and told him I wanted him on the movie. He said he didn't want any part of it, and I even let him punch me.
Peyton : He punched you ?
Julian : Look, the point is, I believe in this book, and I want to make this movie. And yes, I told him that i could do it without him, but the truth is, I need him to help me to tell this story. That's all I want, nothing else.
Peyton : You're lying.
Julian : No, I'm not, and you know I'm not. This is business, Peyton. You need to convince Lucas to do the movie.
Peyton : And you'll make it the movie he wants it to be.
Julian : Absolutely.
Peyton : Cause if I convince him to do this and you're lying, I swear...
Julian : I give you my word.
Peyton : I'll talk to him. Peyton leaves. At Haley and Nathan's. Haley's back home, the room is lit up by candles.
Haley : What is all this ? Oh, my godness...And please, tell me you didn't move the furniture all by yourself.
Nathan : My back is fine. How'd you do today ?
Haley : I loved it. I was so scared at first, and then...It just started to feel right. I felt alive. It was awesome.
Nathan : I'm so bummed that I didn't get to see you.
Haley : I know. Me too, baby.
Nathan : If you're not to tired, I was hopping for an encore.
Haley : I would love that. Haley takes her guitar.
Nathan : Haley...Let's promise never to be too scared to live our dreams.
Haley : I promise.
Nathan : Me too. At Brooke's. Brooke is phoning.
Brooke : Hi, Patricia, it's Brooke Davis. I'm calling regarding your message. Yes, I'm definitely interested, and I just wanted you to know that I'm currently fostering a teenager, and it's going great, so...Uh, no...No, I didn't realize that would complicate things... At Lucas & Peyton's. Lucas and Peyton are on their bed.
Peyton : You punched Julian.
Lucas : Yeah. Yhat was me not being jealous.
Peyton : Okay.
Lucas : Okay ?
Peyton : I'm happy you got jealous.
Lucas : Really ?
Peyton : But even though I'm happy, I do think you should do the movie. I think you're gonna regret seeing it made without you, Luke, and it's your story to tell. And Julian doesn't think the movie can get made without you. I agree.
Lucas : You talked to Julian ?
Peyton : Look, you can punch him in the face anytime you want, okay ? But I don't want you to walk away from this for the wrong reasons. I don't want you to have any regrets.
Lucas : You know...It's hard for me to know that you were in love with that guy. But you have been so strong and so good to me when I've strayed from us...So I'm gonna try to let go of it, okay ? besides, who wouldn't fall in love with you, Peyton Sawyer ? They kiss. At Nathan & Haley's.
Nathan : I really enjoyed the encore.
Haley : Oh, good. I think you're gonna enjoy the encore to the encore.
Nathan : I'm proud of you, Haley. Haley quits the room, Nathan extinguishes the candles and Q appears behind him.
Nathan : Oh ! Geeze...You got to stop doing that, Q ! You scared the crap out of me.
Quentin : Dude, you scared the crap out of you. I'm dead.
Nathan : I know you are. I miss you, Q.
Quentin : Nate, that's all right. You just focus on the comeback. And I'll be there every step of the way. Oh, and, Nate...That phone is gonna ring someday. Live the life. Live the dream. No fear.
Nathan : No fear. Q leaves. | Plan: A: Nathan; Q: Who wrestles with his former self as to whether to give up basketball to be a family-man only or pursue his dream? A: the armed forces; Q: Who does Nathan want Haley to perform for at a USO concert? A: Lucas; Q: Who punches Julian in the face? A: the movie; Q: What did Lucas sell the rights to? A: Airwaves; Q: Along with Angels, what band performs at the USO concert? Summary: Nathan wrestles with his former self as to whether to give up basketball to be a family-man only or pursue his dream, as he encourages Haley to perform at a USO concert for the armed forces. Lucas punches Julian in the face but must reconsider collaborating on the movie he already sold the rights to. Angels and Airwaves also performs. This episode is named after a song by PlayRadioPlay! |
"THE INVASION"
BY DERRICK SHERWIN
FROM A STORY BY KIT PEDLER
First broadcast - 14th December 1968 Running time - 24 minutes 44 seconds
[SCENE_BREAK]
1. LONDON. DAY
(A storm of electronic noise floods London. Cybermen fling open manhole covers and climb from the sewers. A phalanx of Cybermen advance down the steps in front of Saint Paul's Cathedral.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
2. INT. LAB, TRAVERS' HOUSE. DAY
(The DOCTOR lies on the floor, just coming around from the unconsciousness induced by the Cybermen's hypnotic signal. ZOE and ISOBEL are by his side whilst JAMIE gently slaps the side of his face. Professor WATKINS and Captain TURNER are also gathered around, looking on.)
DOCTOR: Oh!
ISOBEL: Oh, are you all right Doctor?
DOCTOR: (Painfully coming to.) Oh... Oh... Oh, wha... Oh! Oh, my!
(The DOCTOR is helped to a sitting position, and still in pain, puts his fingers to his ears.)
JAMIE: Doctor! The invasion, it's begun.
DOCTOR: Yes Jamie, I'd rather gathered that. I... is everyone else all right?
TURNER: (Together.) Yes.
ISOBEL: (Together.) Yes, we're fine.
DOCTOR: Oh, what about the Brigadier, and... and the rest of the men?
TURNER: I'll check.
(TURNER stands and goes into the next room to the R/T unit.)
DOCTOR: (OOV, still in discomfort.) Oh! Oh!
(JAMIE and ZOE mutter something, out of sight, as TURNER goes over to the radio.)
TURNER: (Into the R/T microphone.) Captain Turner calling UNIT control, Captain Turner calling UNIT control. Are you receiving me, over?
(There is no response. ZOE, JAMIE, and the others gather around where TURNER is seated.)
TURNER: Are you receiving me, over?
(Sergeant WALTERS' voice crackles over the radio set.)
WALTERS: (OOV.) UNIT control receiving you, over.
TURNER: Sergeant, is the Brigadier there?
WALTERS: (OOV.) Hold on a moment sir.
BRIGADIER: (OOV.) Yes Jimmy. Are you all right?
TURNER: Yes, sir.
BRIGADIER: (OOV.) Well, chaos here. Only half the crew's recovered so far.
DOCTOR: (Taking the microphone.) Ah, Brigadier. What about the rest of the UNIT men.
BRIGADIER: (OOV.) Oh, hard to say, reports still coming in. Look, I'll send transport for you, you'll be safer here with us.
DOCTOR: Oh, thank you.
BRIGADIER: (OOV.) Ah, Jimmy?
(TURNER takes back the microphone.)
TURNER: Yes, sir, I heard.
BRIGADIER: (OOV.) Right. Now stay put. As far as I can gather, the streets are packed with Cybermen. Sergeant Walters will try to get through with a jeep.
TURNER: Right, sir. Over and out.
(TURNER switches off the radio.)
TURNER: Well, sounds like total success for Vaughn and the Cybermen.
DOCTOR: Yes. We appear to be sitting right in the middle of the hornet's nest.
[SCENE_BREAK]
3. INT. VAUGHN'S OFFICE. DAY
(VAUGHN is seated by his desk. He is facing the CYBER-PLANNER in the hidden compartment and checking off items on a clipboard.)
CYBER-PLANNER: All areas are now covered by our transmission. The full invasion force is preparing for flight. Transmit the radio beam for the transporter ships to home on.
VAUGHN: It will be prepared.
CYBER-PLANNER: Control and supervision of Cybermen in all key positions will be arranged. Prepare your communication network.
VAUGHN: Wait. My organisation will now take over. The Cyberman army must stay under my control.
(The central sphere rotates as the CYBER-PLANNER considers this.)
CYBER-PLANNER: Why do you oppose us.
VAUGHN: I don't oppose you, we're allies! But you do not understand the world and it's organisation. I do.
CYBER-PLANNER: This is not necessary. Humans are now under Cyber-control.
VAUGHN: (Standing and shouting.) I MUST CONTROL THEM!
(VAUGHN approaches the CYBER-PLANNER.)
VAUGHN: Look, let's understand one another. You will not get what you want unless I too achieve my object. Is this agreed?
CYBER-PLANNER: (Again considering.) It has been agreed.
VAUGHN: Good! Then the invasion will continue under my direction.
CYBER-PLANNER: Discussion terminated.
(The wall pivots back to conceal the alcove containing the CYBER-PLANNER. VAUGHN returns to his desk and activates the Communicator.)
VAUGHN: Packer!
PACKER: (Immediately appearing on screen.) Yes sir.
VAUGHN: Have you discovered where the Professor is?
PACKER: Yes, Mister Vaughn.
VAUGHN: Go and collect him.
PACKER: But sir, the... the UNIT people.
VAUGHN: You won't meet with any resistance. They're all under Cyber-control.
PACKER: Right Mister Vaughn.
VAUGHN: I want work started on the production of the machines immediately. Go and recapture Watkins. Don't let anything or anyone stop you.
[SCENE_BREAK]
4. EXT. STREET OUTSIDE TRAVERS' HOUSE. DAY
(Sergeant WALTERS drives up in a Land Rover and parks outside Professor Travers' house. He leaps out with a rifle and runs up the stairs to the front door.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
5. INT. HALL, TRAVERS' HOUSE. DAY
(Bearing his pistol, Captain TURNER comes to the front door and lets in Sergeant WALTERS.)
WALTERS: What's up?
TURNER: Thank goodness you made it. Any trouble?
WALTERS: Hundreds of Cybermen about sir.
TURNER: Well the sooner we get out of here the better. (Raising his voice.) Everybody ready?
ZOE, JAMIE: (OOV, upstairs.) Yes!
ISOBEL: (OOV.) Ready, we're coming.
WALTERS: Listen!
(TURNER opens the front door and peers outside.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
6. EXT. STREET. DAY
(Another Jeep arrives, driven by PACKER and carrying GUARDS with rifles. PACKER parks on the opposite side of the street to Travers' house and the GUARDS leap out and run to the door.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
7. INT. HALL, TRAVERS' HOUSE. DAY
(TURNER shuts and locks the front door, and turns to Sergeant WALTERS.)
TURNER: We have been seen. We'd better get out of here, out of the back as quickly as possible.
WALTERS: Right!
(WALTERS goes out to the back door. TURNER waits for the rest coming down from the lab upstairs: first ISOBEL, then ZOE, then the DOCTOR.)
TURNER: Come on, move everybody. Quickly!
(TURNER shepherds ISOBEL, ZOE and the DOCTOR through to the back door. JAMIE and Professor WATKINS come down next, the Professor carrying the radio.)
TURNER: Out of the back door. Hurry it up. Come on Jamie. Professor, alright? Good.
(A rifle butt is shoved through the front door and a shot rings out. WATKINS clutches his leg.)
WATKINS: My leg!
(WATKINS falls to the floor and drops the radio. TURNER turns and shoots two shots back before his pistol jams, killing the GUARD.)
WATKINS: Argh!
TURNER: Come on Jamie, get the radio out of here.
JAMIE: Right.
TURNER: Leave the Professor to me.
JAMIE: Right. Come on.
(TURNER picks up WATKINS and carries him out.)
TURNER: Right, I've got him.
(JAMIE picks up the radio and follows TURNER. Another shot rings out and JAMIE is hit. He writhes in pain and there is a volley of gun fire as he retreats out to the back door.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
8. INT. UNIT AEROPLANE
(The BRIGADIER stands at the R/T console. Sergeant TURNER reports in.)
BRIGADIER: (Into microphone.) Yes Jimmy, where are you?
TURNER: (OOV.) In bother sir. We need help. Can you give us a chopper.
BRIGADIER: Yes.
(The BRIGADIER pulls down a chart from the top of the console and consults it.)
BRIGADIER: Can you make... sector five?
TURNER: (OOV.) We can try sir.
BRIGADIER: Right, I'll get the chopper there. Out.
(The BRIGADIER calls up another channel on the R/T and sits.)
BRIGADIER: (Into microphone.) UNIT control, calling sector five chopper, over?
PILOT: (OOV.) Receiving you, over.
BRIGADIER: This is the Brigadier, are you airborne?
PILOT: (OOV.) Yessir.
BRIGADIER: Right. Proceed to sector five and pick up Captain Turner and party, and bring them here.
PILOT: (OOV.) Wilco. Out.
[SCENE_BREAK]
9. INT. VAUGHN'S OFFICE. DAY
(VAUGHN is pacing up and down, and fulminating at PACKER.)
VAUGHN: How could they escape the Cyber-control?
PACKER: It's that Doctor, something to do with him. We should have got rid of him when we had the chance.
VAUGHN: Shut up, Packer!
(VAUGHN sighs in annoyance and sits in his chair.)
VAUGHN: I must go on with the invasion.
PACKER: But what about the Professor? Without him, we can't make any more machines; without machines, we can't control the Cybermen.
VAUGHN: Let me worry about that. For the moment, I have the Cybermen exactly where I want them.
PACKER: Yeah, but for how long. Now can you honestly say that everything's going according to plan, that nothing's been overlooked? Well can you?
(VAUGHN snaps, and pounds the desk with his fist.)
VAUGHN: JUST OBEY MY ORDERS! Now get in touch with the compound, and have the radio beam projected. The invasion fleet must be brought in.
[SCENE_BREAK]
10. INT. UNIT AEROPLANE
(Sergeant WALTERS reports to the BRIGADIER, who is seated at the conference table with the DOCTOR and Captain TURNER.)
WALTERS: New York's off the air, sir. Moscow's dead, and Peking. In fact, nothing, no radio communication at all.
BRIGADIER: Right Sergeant, keep trying all frequencies.
WALTERS: Yes sir.
(Sergeant WALTERS leaves to return to the R/T console.)
BRIGADIER: It seems to be a total blanket all over the world.
TURNER: Look, couldn't we make hundreds of these neuristor things sir, and distribute them.
BRIGADIER: I doubt there's time for that Jimmy. What do you think, Doctor?
DOCTOR: I agree. The Cybermen will attack in force now. There must be thousands of them in outer space.
BRIGADIER: (Impatiently bangs the table.) There's nothing we can do?
DOCTOR: Unless we can stop the Cyber-control signal.
BRIGADIER: If your theory's right, they'll be coming from somewhere near the moon. That means we're going to need a missile of some sort.
DOCTOR: Yes, I'm afraid it does.
TURNER: That would need an orbital launch vehicle. We simply haven't got anything of that size.
BRIGADIER: No, only the Americans and the Russians. Oh... wait a minute.
(The BRIGADIER goes to the safe at the bulkhead wall and inserts the key to open it. He opens the door and retrieves a spiral ring binder.)
BRIGADIER: I remember reading... Ah, yes, yes, here we are. The Russians were planning a countdown at the time we were attacked.
TURNER: For the moon, sir?
BRIGADIER: Yes, a manned orbital survey. That means they'll have a launching bay almost ready to go.
TURNER: You mean, we could put a warhead on it, in place of the astronaut capsule?
BRIGADIER: A possibility.
TURNER: How long would all this take?
BRIGADIER: Well, we could get a small party there in about two hours... Course, we'd have to revive the rocket personnel from Cyber-control. After that... well, that would be up to the Russians.
TURNER: It means it's all a question of time. How long do you think we have, Doctor?
DOCTOR: (Standing.) Oh, I'm surprised they're not here already.
BRIGADIER: (Handing the file to TURNER.) Jimmy. Here's the general on the Russian rocket base. You deal with that, now get your skates on.
TURNER: Yes sir.
BRIGADIER: Now Doctor, we must deal with this invasion you say is coming.
DOCTOR: Yes - at least we know where they'll land - they'll home in on Vaughn's radio signal.
BRIGADIER: Would we be able to pick them off with anti-missile missiles?
DOCTOR: Yes, that's a good idea, we might have a try.
BRIGADIER: Right - there's a base near Henlow Downs. Err, just a minute. Sergeant Walters?
(As the BRIGADIER turns to the R/T console, ZOE comes in.)
DOCTOR: Oh, Zoe, sit down. [...] Now, how's Jamie's leg?
ZOE: Oh, it's just a slight flesh wound. But he's furious, because the Army doctor won't let him walk on it.
DOCTOR: Well he won't be able to, would he? How's the Professor?
ZOE: Oh, he'll be all right, Isobel's looking after him. Anything I can do, Doctor?
DOCTOR: Well I... I suggest you... you go with the Brigadier. Much as I detest computers, I... I think that remarkable brain of yours will come in very handy.
ZOE: Right. What are you going to do?
DOCTOR: I think it's about time I had a serious talk with our Mister Vaughn.
ZOE: What, go back? But he'd kill you as soon as look at you.
DOCTOR: No, we need time if we're going to, ahh, stop this attack, and I think I can get us that time.
(Overhearing the DOCTOR's intentions, the BRIGADIER returns.)
BRIGADIER: No, this is madness. I can't afford to let you take that risk.
DOCTOR: Can't afford not to, Brigadier. If you're going to attack the Cybermen with missiles, they're going to retaliate, and we've got to know how and with what.
ZOE: But how can you find that out?
DOCTOR: I'll leave my radio on. Then you'll hear every word that passes between me and Vaughn.
BRIGADIER: But you'll never get near the place, the whole area will be crawling with Cybermen.
DOCTOR: Oh, there's one particular place where there'll be no Cybermen.
BRIGADIER: Where's that?
DOCTOR: In the sewers.
(Sergeant WALTERS calls from the R/T console.)
WALTERS: We're coming in to land, sir.
[SCENE_BREAK]
11. EXT. AIRFIELD. DAY
(The UNIT aeroplane has landed and the cargo ramp is lowered fully to the ground. The BRIGADIER and ZOE watch as the DOCTOR drives a Land Rover down the ramp and pauses at the bottom.)
DOCTOR: (To the BRIGADIER.) Bye-bye.
(He drives off. Another Land Rover, driven by Captain TURNER, is the next to arrive at the bottom of the ramp.)
BRIGADIER: All set Jimmy?
TURNER: Yes sir, I've got a supersonic jet laid on. We'll be in Russia in no time.
BRIGADIER: Splendid.
ZOE: Good luck!
(He drives off also.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
12. INT. UNIT AEROPLANE
(Sergeant WALTERS is seated at the R/T console. The BRIGADIER and ZOE are just returning inside the aeroplane.)
WALTERS: (Into microphone.) All sections prepare for take-off. Secure loading bay and standby for flight position. All UNIT ground section-leaders standby on full alert readiness.
BRIGADIER: Sergeant Walters, ask Wing Commander Robbins to bring us down at the nearest airstrip to Henlow Downs Defence base.
WALTERS: Yes sir.
BRIGADIER: Oh, and Sergeant, make sure that a chopper stays in Red sector one area. The Doctor might need it in a hurry.
[SCENE_BREAK]
13. INT. SEWERS
(The DOCTOR cautiously climbs down a ladder into a long, dark sewer corridor and switches on the TM45 radio to call the BRIGADIER.)
DOCTOR: (Under his breath.) Hello UNIT control. This is the Doctor. Is the Brigadier there, please?
(After a moment, the crackly voice of Sergeant WALTERS is heard.)
WALTERS: (OOV.) Hold on a moment sir, I'll get him.
(As he waits he peers in each direction. The sewer appears to be empty.)
BRIGADIER: (OOV.) Yes Doctor, go ahead.
DOCTOR: Ah Brigadier, I've just entered the sewers. I'm going to make my way to Vaughn's headquarters. I'll give you a call when I get there.
BRIGADIER: (OOV.) Right. We'll have a chopper in the area in case you get in trouble.
DOCTOR: Thank you.
(The DOCTOR switches off and puts away the radio. After deliberating about which way to proceed, and finally deciding to toss a coin, he gingerly starts towards Vaughn's headquarters.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
14. INT. UNIT AEROPLANE
(The BRIGADIER and ZOE talk at the conference table.)
ZOE: But your helicopter isn't going to be much use to the Doctor if he does meet any Cybermen down in those sewers.
BRIGADIER: If you've got any better suggestions, I'll be pleased to hear them.
(Sergeant WALTERS approaches from the R/T console.)
WALTERS: `Scuse me sir.
BRIGADIER: Yes.
WALTERS: Captain Turner's airborne ETA over Russia: two hours seven minutes from takeoff.
BRIGADIER: Good. Keep the Doctor's channel open and let me know the moment he contacts you.
WALTERS: Yes sir.
(Sergeant WALTERS exits.)
BRIGADIER: (To ZOE.) Well, don't look so worried. Fancy a cup of tea?
[SCENE_BREAK]
15. INT. VAUGHN'S OFFICE. DAY
(PACKER and VAUGHN are poring over a map showing the partial invasion force.)
PACKER: There's particularly heavy concentrations here, here, here, and here.
VAUGHN: And all the main communication centers are now manned by our forces?
PACKER: (Suddenly nervous.) Yes, but um...
VAUGHN: What, but what, Packer?
PACKER: Well, we can't make a complete takeover without the full invasion force.
VAUGHN: They'll arrive, Packer, they'll arrive. And when they do... (Sotto voce.) there won't be one city in the entire world that we don't control. (Full voice.) Think of it, Packer, the entire world!
(The security alarm suddenly goes off and PACKER jumps to the control panel.)
PACKER: The security alarm, the... the UNIT forces must have...
VAUGHN: Packer!
(They cycle through the security camera displays. The last one displays the face of the DOCTOR, who addresses the camera.)
DOCTOR: (On screen.) There you are. Ah, can you hear me, Mister Vaughn?
VAUGHN: (With suspicion.) Yes?
DOCTOR: (On screen.) I hope I haven't called at an inconvenient moment, but I... I would rather like a word with you.
VAUGHN: Clever of you to avoid our Cyber-control.
DOCTOR: (On screen.) Ah, it was nothing. I'll... I'll come up, I know the way.
(The DOCTOR moves out of sight of the camera.)
PACKER: He must be out of his mind!
VAUGHN: (Sotto voce.) Far from it, Packer. (Full voice.) Have the guards search the building, just in case he's brought any friends with him.
PACKER: Why not just kill him? He's caused enough trouble already.
VAUGHN: You forget, Packer. He's our insurance.
[SCENE_BREAK]
16. INT. UNIT AEROPLANE
(The BRIGADIER and WALTERS are by the R/T console.)
WALTERS: Approaching Henlow airstrip now, sir, two minutes to touchdown.
BRIGADIER: Fine. Tell the raiding party to standby.
WALTERS: Yes sir.
(The DOCTOR's voice whispers from the communications channel.)
DOCTOR: (OOV.) Ah, Brigadier. Brigadier.
BRIGADIER: Yes Doctor, go ahead.
DOCTOR: (OOV.) Ah, I am just about to enter the lion's den. I will leave the radio on as of now.
BRIGADIER: Right. Good luck.
DOCTOR: (OOV.) Thank you.
BRIGADIER: (To WALTERS.) Keep that channel open and get the whole thing on tape.
WALTERS: Yes sir.
BRIGADIER: If he yells for help while I'm away, send in everything we've got to get him out.
WALTERS: Right.
(WALTERS sets the radio channel up to be recorded. The DOCTOR's radio continues to broadcast from the communications equipment. There is a sound of his hand rapping on the door to VAUGHN's office, and the door being opened.)
VAUGHN: (OOV.) Ah Doctor, what an unexpected pleasure. Do come in.
[SCENE_BREAK]
17. INT. VAUGHN'S OFFICE. DAY
(Cut away to VAUGHN's office, continuing the previous conversation. The DOCTOR is seated, whilst VAUGHN paces in front of the large windows.)
DOCTOR: Can you trust them?
VAUGHN: Doctor, I've worked with the Cybermen for five years preparing this invasion. I know them, the way they think, the single-mindedness of their purpose.
DOCTOR: You must know what ruthless and inhuman killers they are.
VAUGHN: Of course. But then they are my allies, not my enemies.
DOCTOR: Do you really think they'll honour any bargain that you make with them.
VAUGHN: Oh, I've planned this operation in great detail, allowing for every possible factor. It was I who contacted them in deep space, provided the means by which they travelled to Earth. I masterminded the whole operation from A to Z.
(VAUGHN harrumphs in satisfaction and continues.)
VAUGHN: They have merely provided their advanced scientific skills, their might and strength.
DOCTOR: What do they get out of all this?
VAUGHN: What they want, and ah... what they're going to get, are two entirely different things.
DOCTOR: Oh, you're a fool Vaughn. When they get here, they'll take over.
VAUGHN: All Cybermen here are conditioned to obey my orders. They are directly under my command.
DOCTOR: Oh, possibly. But what about the others, out there in space. Are they conditioned to obey your commands?
VAUGHN: If they are not, I'll destroy them.
DOCTOR: With the Professor's machine?
VAUGHN: Yes.
DOCTOR: With one machine?
VAUGHN: I'll have more made.
DOCTOR: But you'll have to have the Professor's help to do that, won't you? We've got the Professor.
VAUGHN: (Irritated.) They'll be under my command, exactly like the others.
DOCTOR: But you can't be sure of that, can you?
[SCENE_BREAK]
18. INT. HENLOW DOWNS DEFENCE BASE. DAY
(The personnel of Henlow Downs are unconscious under the effects of the Cyber-control. Some are slumped at their desks clutching telephones, instruments, whilst others are out cold on the floor. The BRIGADIER, ZOE, and UNIT soldiers rush in and take control.)
BRIGADIER: Fit these men with neuristors, and put the radio over there.
(The radio is set up by the UNIT soldiers.)
BRIGADIER: UNIT control, UNIT control, how do you read me, over.
WALTERS: (OOV.) Loud and clear sir, over.
BRIGADIER: Any trouble?
WALTERS: (OOV.) No sir, Captain Turner reports they're over the Russian border now, sir, over.
: (To the BRIGADIER.) How about the Doctor?
BRIGADIER: Sergeant, how about the Doctor?
WALTERS: (OOV.) So far, so good sir, over.
BRIGADIER: Right. Out.
(The men of the base are beginning to come round, among them Major BRANWELL and Sergeant PETERS.)
BRIGADIER: Take it easy, Major.
BRANWELL: (Groggy.) What happened? Oh... were we attacked?
BRIGADIER: Now just try and clear your head, there's a great deal to be done.
[SCENE_BREAK]
19. INT. VAUGHN'S OFFICE. DAY
(The DOCTOR isn't getting anywhere with VAUGHN, and now it is he who is rattled instead of VAUGHN.)
DOCTOR: (Impatiently.) But you daren't take the risk! Once the Cybermen take over, they'll destroy the world as we know it!
VAUGHN: You're just playing for time, aren't you?
DOCTOR: I'm trying to stop you from destroying the human race!
VAUGHN: Your UNIT friends... you presumably managed to protect them from the Cyber-control as well? What are they planning?
DOCTOR: I don't know what you're talking about.
VAUGHN: (Laughs to himself.) Packer?
PACKER: (Appearing on the monitor.) Yes sir.
VAUGHN: Is the radio beam in the compound aligned yet?
PACKER: (On monitor.) Yes sir, it's all ready.
VAUGHN: Good. Then link the beam to the invasion fleet.
PACKER: (On monitor.) Right, Mister Vaughn.
VAUGHN: Whatever it is your UNIT friends are trying to do... it's too late.
[SCENE_BREAK]
20. INT. HENLOW DOWNS. DAY
(BRANWELL is having a hard time believing the BRIGADIER's story.)
BRANWELL: But this is fantastic. Unbelievable.
BRIGADIER: Nevertheless true. We believe they'll be sending their full invasion fleet at any time. If they get here, we've had it.
BRANWELL: I see sir.
(They cross to the radar console.)
BRANWELL: Sergeant Peters?
PETERS: Sir.
BRANWELL: Anything on the scope?
(The full circle described by the radar beam reveals nothing.)
PETERS: Not a glimmer sir.
BRANWELL: Well sir?
BRIGADIER: I suppose we could be too late.
ZOE: What's the maximum range of your radar?
PETERS: Accurate up to fifty thousand miles, miss. Not so good after that.
ZOE: Well, that means we're not likely to pick them up until they're almost on top of us.
BRANWELL: Yes, that's true. Well, let's be prepared in case they do appear on the screens. Sergeant Peters, prepare all launch pads, begin fuel priming and start preliminary countdown.
PETERS: Sir!
(As PETERS activates the missile countdown, a series of STANDBY signs on the main wall are illuminated, one after the other.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
STANDBY STANDBY STANDBY STANDBY
[SCENE_BREAK]
21. EXT. MISSILE LAUNCHING RANGE. DAY
(Near to the base, the missile launching pads are activated, each holding several multiple-stage rockets. With a whirr of machinery, the pads are elevated and then the missiles raised to firing angle.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
22. INT. VAUGHN'S OFFICE. DAY
(VAUGHN is talking to the CYBER-PLANNER while the DOCTOR looks on.)
CYBER-PLANNER: The transporters will be launched.
VAUGHN: All agreed.
CYBER-PLANNER: The invasion fleet will arrive in two parts.
DOCTOR: (Rushing up to VAUGHN.) You must stop them! This is madness! You can't trust them!
VAUGHN: Don't you understand yet? I have no alternative. (Whispering to himself.) I can't stop now, to have the work destroyed! (Louder.) I must go on, I must!
[SCENE_BREAK]
23. INT. HENLOW DOWNS. DAY
(The BRIGADIER is talking to Sergeant WALTERS on the radio set.)
WALTERS: (OOV.) That's what we hear, sir. The rest of them are on their way. Over.
(From the opposite side of the room at the radar console, BRANWELL calls out.)
BRANWELL: Something coming in now sir.
BRIGADIER: (Into microphone.) Anything from Captain Turner? Have they landed in Russia yet?
WALTERS: (OOV.) They've landed sir, but we've heard nothing more. Over.
BRIGADIER: I see. Out.
(The BRIGADIER joins BRANWELL and PETERS. The radar scope is now beginning to show several objects at the maximum extent of its range.)
PETERS: Sir, it's just on range limits now, sir. Faint yet, but moving in fast.
BRIGADIER: Is it?
BRANWELL: It looks like it, sir.
PETERS: More sir now, look. They're on a ballistic trajectory.
(As the radar sweeps across the direction of the Moon, successively more and more objects are revealed in apparent formation.)
ZOE: How long before they appear within range of your missiles?
PETERS: At this rate, a couple of minutes at the moment, miss.
BRANWELL: Sergeant Peters?
PETERS: Sir!
BRANWELL: Where are we on countdown?
PETERS: T minus forty-five seconds sir.
BRANWELL: Hold.
(BRANWELL crosses to the public address system for the base.)
BRANWELL: Launch crew, hear this. Forty-five seconds to lift-off. Prepare fuse locks.
LAUNCH CREW: (OOV.) Fuse locks in preparation. Arming code running.
(Behind BRANWELL the display on the main board has progressed to display the status of the countdown.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
PHASING PHASING PHASING PHASING
[SCENE_BREAK]
READINESS READINESS READINESS READINESS
[SCENE_BREAK]
BRANWELL: Run co-ordinate program A theta.
PETERS: (Calling BRANWELL.) Sir!
(BRANWELL crosses to PETERS and ZOE at the radar. The scope is now teeming with ships.)
ZOE: There are more of them!
PETERS: Sir.
BRANWELL: Sky range probes active. Yes, what is it?
PETERS: More of them sir!
LAUNCH CREW: (OOV.) Arming code run. All warheads ready for lift-off activation.
BRANWELL: Oh we can't get them all. Let's take as many as we can. Lift-off activation check.
PETERS: Co-ordinate program running, sir.
BRANWELL: Set program A theta to guidance.
PETERS: Roger.
(ZOE has been thinking about an idea for a while, and crosses to BRANWELL to mention it.)
ZOE: Major, I think we stand a good chance of getting at least ninety percent of them.
BRANWELL: How, we haven't got enough missiles?
ZOE: Oh please Major. Just knocking out half a dozen of them would do very little good at all. Let's try for them all.
BRANWELL: Look Miss, I know my business and I'm telling you we haven't got enough missiles.
ZOE: Yes you have. These things are coming in in a formation pattern. Now, if you set your missiles carefully, you can set up a chain reaction of explosions.
BRANWELL: No, there isn't time to compute all the relevant information - they'd be on top of us by then.
ZOE: Give me thirty seconds.
(The BRIGADIER, who has been listening with interest, intervenes.)
BRIGADIER: Give her what she asks, Major. Thirty seconds.
BRANWELL: But sir - this is ridiculous!
BRIGADIER: Just thirty seconds.
BRANWELL: (After a moment.) Hold for thirty seconds!
PETERS: Sir, that doesn't give us much time.
BRANWELL: Alright Sergeant, I know. Countdown to begin T minus forty-five seconds.
(ZOE races to the instrument desks at the rear of the room and begins writing down telemetry information for programming the missiles, to the bemusement of the army technicians. After scribbling down the last piece of data she returns and produces the paper for Sergeant PETERS.)
ZOE: Here. Feed this into your computer.
BRANWELL: Do as she says. I'll take over here.
PETERS: Sir.
BRANWELL: You'd better be right.
ZOE: I am!
BRANWELL: T minus forty-five seconds from now.
(BRANWELL activates the countdown. The status board now lights up with a new row of illuminated messages:)
[SCENE_BREAK]
ARMED ARMED ARMED ARMED
[SCENE_BREAK]
24. EXT. MISSILE LAUNCHING RANGE. DAY
(The missiles on the launching range are swiveled into their final positions, ready for lift-off. Nearby the dish of the base's long range radar rotates.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
25. INT. HENLOW DOWNS. DAY
(Major BRANWELL has produced two keys with which to arm the missile firing console, and inserts each into a slot in the desk.)
PETERS: Information computed, sir.
BRANWELL: Thank you Peters. Set computer guidance, now.
PETERS: T minus thirty-two seconds.
LAUNCH CREW: (OOV.) Launch crew clear, sir.
PETERS: Automatic.
BRANWELL: Yes, all guidance now computer controlled, check.
PETERS: T minus twenty-eight seconds...
T minus twenty-two seconds... Eighteen seconds...
BRANWELL: No hold-ups, please!
PETERS: T minus fourteen seconds... Thirteen... Twelve...
(As the count-down closes in below ten seconds, BRANWELL simultaneously turns the two keys in the missile firing console ninety degrees clockwise to activate the lift-off controls.)
PETERS: Ten... Nine... Eight... Seven... Six... Five... Four... Three... Two... One... Zero.
(BRANWELL presses down on the launch button.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
26. EXT. MISSILE LAUNCHING RANGE. DAY
(One after another, the missiles are fired off from the missile launching range. After a short time, the outer first-stage rockets are explosively jettisoned and the second stage of the missile plows further into the stratosphere.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
27. SPACE
(The Cyberman invasion fleet is rapidly approaching the Earth. Suddenly, the missiles home in and strike their targets, and ship after ship explode in sequence.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
28. INT. VAUGHN'S OFFICE. DAY
(VAUGHN and the DOCTOR are standing before the CYBER-PLANNER.)
CYBER-PLANNER: The first transporter fleet is being attacked and destroyed. You have betrayed us.
VAUGHN: (Shouting in fury.) NO!
CYBER-PLANNER: The failure of this mission is due to you. We will now take over the invasion.
VAUGHN: NO! WAIT! GIVE ME TIME! I CAN STOP THIS OPPOSITION!
CYBER-PLANNER: There is no more time.
VAUGHN: I WON'T ALLOW THIS INVASION TO...
(VAUGHN approaches the CYBER-PLANNER in a fury, and the CYBER-PLANNER releases a pulse of energy which drives VAUGHN staggering backwards.)
CYBER-PLANNER: We no longer need you. A Cyber-megatron bomb will be delivered. We must destroy life on earth completely. Every living being.
DOCTOR: (To VAUGHN.) Is this what you wanted? To be the ruler of a dead world? | Plan: A: the entire world; Q: Who is unconscious? A: his friends; Q: Who is the Doctor with? A: the Cybermen; Q: Who is poised to invade? A: a missile crew; Q: What is the only thing that can stop the Cybermen? Summary: With the entire world unconscious apart from the Doctor and his friends, the Cybermen are poised to invade and only Zoe, the Brigadier and a missile crew can stop them. |
Originally written by Adam Chase. Transcribed by Joshua Hodge.
[Scene: Joey's new apartment. Everyone but Chandler is there. Joey has decorated the place with tons of tacky stuff.]
JOEY: Huh? So whaddya think? Casa de Joey. Huh? I decorated it myself.
ROSS: Get out.
ALL: No.
MONICA: [looking at some kind of glass sculpture thing] Wow Joey, this is, uhh...
JOEY: Art.
MONICA: Art it is.
ROSS: [looking at a glass table with a panther shaped base] Look, check this out. Is it a coffee table, is it a panther? There's no need to decide.
RACHEL: [holding a pillow made out of 4 inch red fur] Hey, nice pillow. So now tell me, is this genuine Muppet skin?
PHOEBE: [looking at a water sculpture that looks like a window with rain running down it] Hey, excellent, excellent water-table thing.
JOEY: Thanks, yeah. I love this but ya know what, it makes me wanna pee.
PHOEBE: Yeah, well me too, yeah. I think that's the challenge.
JOEY: Hey, how come, uhh, Chandler didn't come?
ROSS: Well uh, it's cause he had a thing with, wi-, with the thing.
JOEY: Right, I go-, I got it.
PHOEBE: So why don't ya show us the rest of your casa?
JOEY: Yeah. Uh, oh, OH, the best part, c'mon. [leads them to the bathroom, gestures towards toilet, everyone stares, uncomprehending] Heh?
RACHEL: Hey, nice toilet.
JOEY: No no no, behind it.
ROSS: Wha-, you have a phone in here?
JOEY: That's right, I have a phone in here.
MONICA: Joey, promise me something.
JOEY: Yeah.
MONICA: Never call me from that phone.
OPENING TITLES
[Scene: Central Perk. Monica, Chandler, and Ross are seated. Rachel is walking over with coffee and a piece of pie.]
[Someone bumps into Rachel and she drops the pie in a guy's hood that's seated at the table. She improvises by using the plate as a saucer for the coffee.]
RACHEL: OK, here we go. Honey, I'm sorry, they were all out of apple pie, someone just got the last piece.
[Phoebe enters]
PHOEBE: Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God. You are not gonna believe this. I have just been discovered.
CHANDLER: Now wait a minute, I claimed you in the name of France four years ago.
PHOEBE: Anyway, OK, now promise you won't like, freak out and say how great this is until I'm done, OK.
ALL: OK.
PHOEBE: OK. I just met this producer of this like, teeny record company, who said that I have a very fresh, offbeat sound and she wants to do a demo of Smelly Cat.
ALL: [congradulating her and celebrating]
PHOEBE: I told you not to do that yet. And, she wants to do a video.
ALL: [celebrating more]
PHOEBE: I'm not done yet, OK. God. OK, if that goes well, they may even want to make an album.
[everyone is quiet, unsure if she's done or not]
PHOEBE: I'm done now.
ALL: [celebrating]
[the guy with the pie in his hood get up to leave]
RACHEL: Oh God. Ross, OK, if you care about me at all, you will get the pie out of the man's hood.
ROSS: Get the what?
RACHEL: Pie in the hood, pie in the hood. Go.
[Ross goes over behind the guy and grabs the pie out of his hood as he leaves]
GUY: What're you doing?
ROSS: I'm sorry, my pie was, was in your hood. Now I just have to get the coffee out of that guy's pants and I'll be back in the hospital by 7. [swats at an imaginary insect by his head, guy leaves promptly]
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica is outside the bathroom yelling at Ross who's in the bathroom.]
MONICA: Damnit Ross, get your butt out of the bathroom.
ROSS: Calm down, I'm blow drying.
[Rachel enters with laundry and starts folding]
MONICA: Blow drying what, you have no hair.
RACHEL: What's goin' on?
MONICA: Your boyfriend has been in there for over an hour. I can't believe it, it's like I'm living with him again. He's here when I go to sleep, he's here when I wake up, he's here when I want to use the shower, ughh. It's like I'm sixteen all over again .
RACHEL: Well, you're not sixteen, you're both adults now.
MONICA: GET OUT YOU DUFUS!!
RACHEL: Or ya know, he's rubber and you're glue.
ROSS: [comes out] All yours.
MONICA: I hope you cleaned your hair out of the drain.
ROSS: [in a childish voice] I hope you cleaned your hair out of the drain.
MONICA: Shut up.
ROSS: [childish voice] Shut up.
MONICA: Cut it out.
ROSS: [childish voice] Mi-mi-mii.
[Monica goes in the bathroom]
RACHEL: [sarcastically] I've never wanted you more.
[Scene: Chandler's apartment. Chandler is sitting on the bar wearing huge dog-slippers]
CHANDLER: So, whaddya say boys, should I call him? [squeezes the ear of one of the slippers and it barks] Well, ya know what they say. Ask your slippers a question... you're going crazy.
[Joey's apartment, phone rings]
JOEY: Hello.
CHANDLER: Hey.
JOEY: Hey!
CHANDLER: Listen, I'm, I'm sorry I didn't make it over there today.
JOEY: Oh, that's OK. You uh, you had a thing.
CHANDLER: Yeah well, I hear the place looks great.
JOEY: Ahh, forget about it, I'm havin' a ball. How's the apartment doin'
CHANDLER: Oh hey, it's, it's terriffic. I mean it's a regular space... fest.
JOEY: Oh, well great.
CHANDLER: Yeah I just... wanted to call and say hey.
JOEY: Well OK then. [oven timer goes off behind Chandler] Was that the oven timer?
CHANDLER: That's right my friend. It's time for...
BOTH: Baywatch!! [both turn on TV's]
JOEY: Oh, can you believe they gave Stephanie skin cancer?
CHANDLER: I still can't believe they promoted her to lieutenant.
JOEY: Naa, you're just sayin' that 'cause you're in love with Yasmine Blepe.
CHANDLER: Well, how could anyone not be in love with Yasmine Blepe?
JOEY: Hey, hey, they're runnin'
CHANDLER: See, this is the brilliance of the show. I say always keep them running. All the time, running. Run. Run Yasmine, run like the wind.
[Scene: Central Perk. Joey is sitting between Monica and Phoebe.]
MONICA: But I thought you wanted to live by yourself.
JOEY: I did. I thought it'd be great. I figured I'd have like, time alone with my thoughts but, ya know, it turns out I don't have as many thoughts as you'd think.
PHOEBE: Joey, why don't you talk to Chandler about moving back?
JOEY: You really think he'd take me? I mean, we had a pretty good talk last night but, when I moved out, I hurt him bad.
MONICA: I promise you, he would definitely want you back.
[Scene: Chandler's apartment. Chandler is sitting between Rachel and Ross.]
ROSS: I'm telling you, there's no way he's moving back.
CHANDLER: But we had one of the greatest talks we ever had last night. I mean it was, it was like when we first started living together.
ROSS: Look, I know you don't want to hear this right now but, we've seen him in his new place, alright. And he's happy, he's, he's decorated.
RACHEL: Look, Chandler, he has moved on, OK, you have to too.
CHANDLER: But...
ROSS: No. You're just gonna have to accept the fact that you're just friends now, OK, you're not... rommmates anymore.
[Scene: Recording studio. Phoebe is getting ready to record Smelly Cat.]
PRODUCER: OK Phoebe, you ready to try one?
PHOEBE: OK. [singing] Smelly cat, smell-ly cat, what are they feeding you? Smelly cat [back up singers start singing smelly, smelly, smelly, smelly behind her] Oh woah, oh my God. I mean like, who was that?
PRODUCER:They're your backup singers... beind you.
PHOEBE: OH!! Oh I thought they were just watching me. You know, like at, like at an aquarium, ya know.
PRODUCER: Alrighty. From the top.
PHOEBE: OK. [singing] Smelly cat, smell-ly cat, what are they feeding you? Smelly cat [back up singers - smelly, smelly, smelly, really bad smelly cat, it's not your fault] OK, sorry. I'm just, I'm just not getting that everyone um, gets how smelly this cat acually is. I just think that maybe if we could talk about this, 'cause I need to feel that you really care about the cat.
PRODUCER: Honey, uh we, we can talk about this. It's just that it's costing about a hundred dollars a minute to be in here.
PHOEBE: Oh OK. So, um, the cat stinks but you love it, let's go.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment. Ross is on the phone.]
ROSS: No, there is no way he was a velociraptor. No Tony, look at the cranial ridge, OK. If Dino was a velociraptor, he would have eaten the Flintstones. Yeah, yeah. [Monica comes out of her room] Oh, were you takin' a nap?
MONICA: I was.
ROSS: Oh I-, Oh wait, Tony can you hang on? That's the other line. [gets the other line] Hello. Oh yeah she's here but uh, can she call you back? OK thanks. [hangs up the other line] Call Joanna. [back on with Tony] Hi.
MONICA: Did she leave a number?
ROSS: Did you see me write one down?
MONICA: I don't have her number, butt-munch.
ROSS: Well, she'll call back, don't be such a baby.
MONICA: I'm not a baby, you're the baby.
ROSS: Look, you wanna get off my back?
MONICA: You wanna get out of my face?
ROSS: Wait hold on Tony, hold on. [answers second line] Hello. Hi, yeah no, she's right here. Um hold on. [gets first line] Hi Tony, can I call you back? That's uh, that's my sister's boyfriend.
MONICA: Give me that.
ROSS: OK.
MONICA: Hi sweetie, look before I forget, did I leave my diaphram at your place? Hi mom. [she starts throwing oranges at Ross who's looking pleased with himself]
[Scene: Chandler's apartment. Chandler is sitting on the bar, bouncing a ball against the door. Joey walks in right as he throws the ball and catches it.]
JOEY: Hey.
CHANDLER: So uhh, how's the palace?
JOEY: You know it's funny you should mention that 'cause I was thinkin'... what's with the boxes?
CHANDLER: Oh, uhh, actually I uh, have some news.
EDDIE: Hey Chan, is that Joey guy gonna come by and pick up his moose hat or should I just toss it out?
CHANDLER: Well, uh, why don't you ask him yourself. Joey, this is my new roommate Eddie.
EDDIE: Nice to meet ya.
JOEY: Likewise. Uh, I'll take that. [grabs moose hat] It's what I came for. So, this is new. Where'd you two meet?
EDDIE: At the uh, supermarket, in the uh, ethnic food section. I helped him pick out a chorizo.
JOEY: Wow.
CHANDLER: Well you know, we got to talking and uh, he said he needed a place and I had a spare room.
JOEY: Oh, now it's a spare room?
CHANDLER: Well yeah, in that it's not being used and I... have it to spare.
JOEY: Well I uh, got what I came for. [puts on moose hat] I'll uh, I'll see you guys.
CHANDLER: Hey Jo. When'd you start usin' mousse in your hair?
EDDIE: [annoying laugh] Is this guy great or what?
JOEY: Yeah, yeah he is. [leaves]
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica, Rachel, and Ross are there.]
MONICA: I can't believe he has a new roommate. Who is this guy?
ROSS: Uh, Eddie something. He just met him.
RACHEL: It'll never last, he's just a rebound roommate.
[Pheobe enters]
PHOEBE: Hey.
ALL: Hey.
PHOEBE: Oh, check it out, oh check it out. It's Smelly Cat the video.
ALL: [cheer]
PHOEBE: Now OK, I haven't seen it yet so, if you don't like it, well, so what, none of you ever made a video. [puts the tape in] OK.
[The video is a very dramatic episode with an obviously dubbed voice for Phoebe. Everyone watches in disbeliefe]
PHOEBE: Oh my God.
ROSS: I know.
PHOEBE: I sound amazing. I, I, I've never heard myself sing before. I mean, except in my own head. Oh, this is so cool, now I can hear what you hear.
RACHEL: Pretty uhm, different huh?
PHOEBE: Oh, I am sorry but I am incredibly talented.
[Scene: Chandler and Eddie's apartment. Joey stops by. Chandler is reading the paper and Eddie is fixing eggs.]
EDDIE: Hi Joey, what's goin' on man?
JOEY: Eddie.
CHANDLER: Morning.
JOEY: Morning. I just uh, came by to pick up my mail. [looks for the mail on the table by the door, it's not there] Where's the mail?
CHANDLER: Oh it's uh, over there on the table.
JOEY: You don't keep it over here on this table any more?
CHANDLER: No, Eddie likes to keep it over there.
EDDIE: Alright, here you go my friend. Eggs a-la Eddie, huh?
CHANDLER: Oh, ooh.
JOEY: Huh.
CHANDLER: What?
JOEY: No I just uh, thought you liked your eggs with the bread with the hole in the middle, a-la me.
CHANDLER: Well I do, but uh, Eddie makes them this way and, well they're pretty darn good.
EDDIE: Well you guys, I'm outta here. See ya pals.
CHANDLER: See ya. [Eddie leaves]
JOEY: So how you two gettin' along?
CHANDLER: Oh, I couldn't be happier.
JOEY: Great, well, I'm happy for ya. [picks up the orange juice carton and it's empty] Alright that's it. He just comes in here, Mr. Jonny Neweggs, with his, his, his movin' the mail and his, his 'see ya pals'. And now there's no juice. There's no juice f or the people who need the juice and want the juice. I need the juice.
CHANDLER: There's another carton right over there.
JOEY: Hey, this isn't about juice anymore, alright man.
CHANDLER: Alright, so what's it about?
JOEY: Eggs. Who's eggs do you like better, his or mine, huh?
CHANDLER: Well I like both eggs equally.
JOEY: Oh come on. Nobody likes two different kinds of eggs equally. You like one better than the other and I wanna know which.
CHANDLER: Well what's the difference? Your eggs aren't here anymore, are they? You took your eggs and you left. You really expect me to never find new eggs?
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Ross and Monica are fighting over the remote.]
MONICA: I wanna watch Entertainment Tonight.
ROSS: Tough noogies, we're watching Predators of the Serengetti.
RACHEL: Would you guys stop.
MONICA: It's my TV.
ROSS: Wha-, oh, quit it.
MONICA: Bite me.
RACHEL: Oh my God.
ROSS: Well, Monica keeps changin' the channel.
MONICA: Oh that's great, why don't you tell mommy on me.
RACHEL: Now I'm mommy in this little play? Alright look, I refuse to get sucked into this like, weird little Geller dimension thing OK. So I'm gonna go and take a nice long hot bubble bath because you kids are driving me crazy. [goes in the bathroom]
MONICA: OK, what're we gonna do about this?
ROSS: Well, I guess we could tape Entertainment Tonight.
MONICA: Not that, this, US. Oh my God, Ross, you-re, you're, it's jus-, you-, ever sin- you been here.
ROSS: Ow, ow, OK. Alright, alright, Mon, Mon, you've gone ultrasonic again, alright.
MONICA: I just can't stand you being here all the time.
ROSS: Why, why, why can't you stand me being here? I don't, I, we're just, ya know, we're just havin' fun.
MONICA: Fun? Fun, you think this is fun?
ROSS: Yeah, c'mon I mean I though, you know, I thought we're just foolin' around. Like when, uh, when we were kids.
MONICA: Ross, I hated you when we were kids.
ROSS: You hated me when we were kids?
MONICA: Yes. I hated you. I mean I, I, loved you in a 'you're my brother so I have to' kind of way, but basically, yeah, I hated your guts.
ROSS: Why did you hate me?
MONICA: Because, you were mean to me and you, you teased me and you always, always got your way.
ROSS: And that wasn't fun for you?
MONICA: Duh-huh!
ROSS: I can't believe you hated me.
MONICA: Now I love you. And not just 'cause I have to.
ROSS: Really?
MONICA: Yeah. You're just gonna have to stop pissing me off.
ROSS: I can do that.
MONICA: Then I won't have to kill you.
ROSS: So you wanna watch uh, Entertainment Tonight?
MONICA: Yeah, thanks. You know what?
ROSS: What?
MONICA: If you really want to watch that Serengetti thing, you can.
ROSS: Ohh... OK. [changes the channel]
[Scene: Central Perk. Ross, Rachel, and Monica are hanging out.]
[Phoebe enters]
PHOEBE: Hey.
ALL: Hey.
PHOEBE: Listen. You are not going to believe this but, that is not me singing on the video.
ALL: No.
PHOEBE: Yes.
RACHEL: Well, how did you find out?
PHOEBE: Well, OK, the record company sent over this piece of paper for me to sign, saying that it's OK for someone else to sing for me. That was my first clue.
MONICA: So what're you gonna do?
PHOEBE: Well, I can't work with people who would do this.
MONICA: Sure.
PHOEBE: I mean this poor woman.
ROSS: What woman?
PHOEBE: The voice woman. Ya know, I mean, she has a great voice but she doesn't have a video.
RACHEL: OK, Phoebs. But what about you?
PHOEBE: Well I have a video, you have to pay attention. No this, this voice woman, she's so talented but, according to the producer people, they said she doesn't have like the right look or something, ya know. I mean, it's like, she's like one of those an imals at the pound who like nobody wants 'cause they're not pretty enough or you know. Like, like some old dog who's just kind of like stinky and. Huuuuh, oh my God, she's smelly cat. Oh, oh that song has so many levels.
[Scene: Chandler and Eddie's apartment.]
CHANDLER: Hey Eddie, you uh, wanna play some foosball?
EDDIE: No thanks man, I'm not uh, I'm not really into sports.
CHANDLER: [stares in disbeliefe] Yeah o-, OK, alright. [oven timer goes off] Doesn't matter, time for Baywatch.
EDDIE: Y-, y-, you like that show?
CHANDLER: You don't like that show?
EDDIE: Wha-, n-, no. I mean it's just a bunch of pretty people runnin' around on the beach, ya know.
CHANDLER: Well that's the brilliance of it. The pretty people... and the running.
EDDIE: I tell ya, I-, I'm gonna go read in my room for a little while.
CHANDLER: Oh o-, OK man.
[Joey's place. He's watching Baywatch, lauging. He goes to say something to Chandler in the other chair but no one's there. He goes to call Chandler but decides not to.]
[Chandler's. He's playing foosball by himself.]
[Joey's. Playing ping pong by himself.]
[All by myself is playing. Chandler is sitting in front of a window while it's raining outside. We see Joey through a rainy window. The camera zooms out to show it's just his tabletop water sculpture.]
CLOSING CREDITS
[Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe is performing Smelly Cat.]
PHOEBE: [singing] Smelly cat, smell-ly cat, what are they feeding you? Everybody.
ALL: Smelly cat, smell-ly cat, it's not your fault.
PHOEBE: Monica.
MONICA: [sings] They won't take you to the vet.
PHOEBE: Chandler.
CHANDLER: [reluctantly sings] You're obviously not their favorite pet.
MONICA: Joey.
JOEY: [sings] It may not be a bed of roses.
PHOEBE: Rachel.
RACHEL: [sings] And you're no friend to those with noses.
PHOEBE: Uh, Ross, those are the only lines we have, sorry. OK, you guys, once more. | Plan: A: A record producer; Q: Who discovers Phoebe? A: Phoebe; Q: Whose song "Smelly Cat" is being made into a music video? A: The producer; Q: Who secretly dubs a more talented woman's voice over Phoebe's? A: a more talented (but less attractive) woman's voice; Q: What does the producer secretly dub over Phoebe's voice? A: the one singing; Q: What does Phoebe believe she is? A: Ross; Q: Whose new relationship with Rachel causes Monica to resent him? A: friction; Q: What does Monica's relationship with Ross cause? A: her brother; Q: Who does Monica resent being around all the time? A: Joey; Q: Who wants to move back in with Chandler? A: Eddie; Q: Who is Chandler's new roommate? A: foosball; Q: What game does Eddie refuse to play? A: dislikes Baywatch; Q: What does Eddie dislike? Summary: A record producer discovers Phoebe and wants to make her song "Smelly Cat" as a music video. The producer secretly dubs a more talented (but less attractive) woman's voice over Phoebe's, though Phoebe initially believes she is the one singing. Ross' new relationship with Rachel causes friction with Monica who resents her brother being around all the time. Joey finds he does not like living alone and wants to move back in with Chandler. However Chandler already has a new roommate, Eddie. Chandler soon realizes he does not really click with Eddie (who refuses to play foosball and dislikes Baywatch ) like he did with Joey. |
Scene 1: The queen's place - Bill, Sophie-Anne, hadley
Bill: Your majesty. Is this a bad time?
The queen is feeding on Hadley.
Sophie-Anne: A bad time? There's no such thing as bad. Or time, for that matter. Want to join me?
Scene 2: Bill's house - Jessica, Hoyt, Maxine
Hoyt: Get up! Have you lost your mind?
Jessica: Didn't you hear all the nasty things she said about you? And me.
Hoyt: She's my mama! She gets to! The hell are you from? Mama?
Jessica: I'm sorry.
Hoyt: Mama, you all right?
Maxine: Oh, yeah.
Jessica: Hoyt?
Hoyt: I should have listened to vampire Bill when he warned me about you. (To Maxine) Now, come on. Come on, mama.
Maxine: Do we have to? I think I actually enjoyed that.
Hoyt: You see what you did to her? Come on.
Hoyt leaves with Maxine. Jessica cries and screams.
Scene 3: The queen's place - Bill, Sophie-Anne
Sophie-Anne: What gives you the right to say no to the femoral blood of a good woman? You know what your problem is, William? You are a snob. I hate snobs. Tiny, tiny souls, or penises. Or both. (To Hadley) Get out. (To Bill) Have you eaten?
Bill: Not tonight, but...
Sophie-Anne: I have several new members of court. A Latvian boy. Has to be tasted to be believed. Not polluted like most humans. Tastes exactly the way they used to taste just after I was turned, before the Industrial Revolution f*cked everything to hell. Should I summon him?
Bill: No, thank you. There are a pressing matters at hand I need your help with. I need to know how to kill a maenad.
Sophie-Anne: A maenad? In Bon Temps? That's random.
Bill: Yes. She seems to have caused some sort of mass hypnosis. The whole town has devolved a primitive state in a matter of days.
Sophie-Anne: Oh, my, she's an old one. Well, they're all old. Relics.
Bill: Ancient Greece, correct?
Sophie-Anne: before that even. Orgies, sacrifice?
Bill: Yes.
Sophie-Anne: Cannibalism?
Bill: We suspect.
Sophie-Anne: Fun.
Bill: So how do I kill it?
Sophie-Anne: You can't. She's convinced herself she's immortal and so she is. William, surely you know that everything that exists imagined itself into existence.
Bill: I'm not entirely familiar with that theory, no.
Sophie-Anne: Well, think about it. You're a wild young girl who's married to some jerk who treats you like property and is also f*cking some 14-year-old boy. And along comes this religion, which encourages you to get hammered, run naked through the woods, have s*x with whoever, or whatever, and it's all part of getting closer to God.
Bill: I could see how that would have its appeal, especially to humans with their tendency towards Puritanism.
Sophie-Anne: Exactly. So you're f*cking everybody in the dirt. Why not kill something and eat it raw? Hey, you're super extra pious. There's nothing you can't do, and each time you do it just brings you one step closer to the divine.
Bill: Isn't that delusional?
Sophie-Anne: Never underestimate the power of blind faith. It can manifest in ways that bend the laws of physics or break them entirely.
Bill: I bit her and it poisoned me.
Sophie-Anne: Of course it did. We can only drink human blood, and she's no longer even remotely human.
Bill: But she started out as human.
Sophie-Anne: Hello. Evolution? We started out that way too. Less than two hours till dawn. Shall we have s*x? Kidding. I haven't enjoyed s*x with men since the Eisenhower administration.
Bill: I really ought to get back to...
Sophie-Anne: Nonsense. Sookie's not in any trouble. You would know it.
Bill: But I...
Sophie-Anne: Spend the day and leave tomorrow.
Bill: I really would l...
Sophie-Anne: I insist. By the way, you haven't told me what you think of my new day room.
Bill: It's lovely.
Scene 4: Lafayette's house - Sookie, Lafayette, Tara, Letti Mae
Sookie: Tara, stop pacin'. You need to get some sleep.
Tara: We have to go get him.
Sookie: And we will as soon as Bill gets back. He might have some information about how to deal with Maryann.
Tara: He might have some information? He might not. And Eggs needs to get out now.
Sookie: Tara, it's just too dangerous.
Tara: How many times have you put yourself in danger for the man you love? How come you get that option and I don't?
Letti Mae: Baby girl, it's better this way.
They hear people screaming outside.
Lafayette: Oh sh1t, she coming for you.
Tara: I finally found a strong, beautiful, good man who loves me, and you want to keep me from saving him 'cause you're afraid I might get hurt? How hurt you think I'm gonna be if we wait and something happens to him?
Lafayette: I ain't lettin' you go back to somebody who beats you.
Letti Mae: He beat her?
Tara: No, it... it wasn't him. It was Maryann. Her influence.
Lafayette: She didn't throw the punches herself, did she? No. Now sit down and shut the f*ck up. Sookie, my back pocket, get them handcuffs.
Tara: No.
Sookie: These are fur.
Lafayette: Give me your hand. Give me your goddamn hand.
Tara: I will never forgive you for this. Never. You're just jealous 'cause I found love and you know you never will, you f*ckin' freak.
Letti Mae: Baby, it's for your own good.
Tara: You too. You don't want me to be happy 'cause you never were.
Letti Mae: I only want you to be happy.
Tara: And you had to settle for a dead man.
Sookie: That's supposed to get me on your side?
Lafayette: I'm goin' on the front porch to make sure that devil woman don't try to come up in here.
Sookie: You think she will?
Lafayette: All I know is if it's supernatural and it wants you, it ain't gonna wait for you to come to it.
Lafayette goes outside. Sookie follows him. Letti Mae cries.
Tara: You are kiddin' me. This ain't happenin' to you.
Scene 5: Merlotte's - Andy, Jason, Sam, Coby, Lisa
Jason: Seriously? You can become any animal anytime?
Sam: Yeah, as long as I've imprinted on it.
Jason: That is f*ckin' cool, man.
Andy: Yeah, well, as cool as that may be, we still got a maenad we gotta deal with before it takes our wholes town out.
Sam: Listen, you can't deal with it. All right, your best bet's to leave while you still can.
Jason: Shouldn't we think about getting the law involved?
Andy: I am involved.
Jason: Well, I meant Sheriff Dearborne, Kenya, that other guy, the squirrelly one.
Andy: Sheriff's station was wide open and empty. They ain't gonna help.
Jason: Then we have got to be the law. Guys, I read a book about this. This is Armageddon. This is the Oral History of the Zombie War. We need weapons, lots of them.
Sam: I hate to break it to you, but guns aren't gonna do jack sh1t to Maryann. And you can't shoot anybody else. These are our friends, this is our town.
Jason: Well, sometimes you need to destroy somethin' to save it. That's in the Bible. Or the Constitution.
Voice of a child: Is she in there?
Lisa and Coby are looking from the window. They run when Sam see them. Sam goes after them.
Sam: Who's out there? No need to be afraid. Just come on out so we can see each other. Coby?
Coby: Is our mama here?
Sam: No, no. not right now.
Lisa: Good. Will you help us hide?
Coby: And will you make us lunch?
Lisa: We haven't eaten since the day before yesterday.
Jason: Sam. Andy and I are taking off.
Sam: Where are you going?
Andy: Sheriff's office.
Jason: We gotta arm ourselves. Hey, Coby, Lise.
Sam: Jason, no. You... You... You're walkin' into something bigger and more dangerous than you can even imagine.
Jason: Sam, I gotta do this.
Sam: You're gonna get yourself killed. And probably a lot of other people as well. Just think this through.
Jason: Time for thinking is over. It's time for action.
Andy: Maybe Sam's right.
Jason: Has he been to Leadership Conference? Has he had paramilitary training?
Sam: You're a damn fool, Jason. (To Coby and Lisa) Come on. Let's go inside, get you kids somethin' to eat. Come on. You're a damn fool, Jason.
Jason: By the way, you're welcome for me saving your life!
Sam go back in Merlotte's with Coby and Lisa. Jason and Andy leave in Jason's truck.
Jason: Can you believe that? What an asshole.
Andy: Welcome to my world, Jason.
Scene 6: Lafayette's house - Lafayette, Sookie, Tara, Letti Mae
Lafayette and Sookie are outside.
Sookie: Don't you at least want to sit down?
Lafayette: Nope.
Sookie's cell phone rings.
Sookie: It's a text from Bill. From five hours ago. Damn it. I'm getting a new phone as soon as Eric pays me.
Lafayette: You're working for Eric?
Sookie: Mhm. Great. Bill's not coming back until tomorrow.
Lafayette: Well, then I guess we better not plan on him saving us.
Tara and Letti Mae are in the house.
Tara: Mama, you gotta let me go. You keep me here and anything happens to Eggs, you will have destroyed my one chance at true love.
Letti Mae: Girl, you don't want true love. True love will rip you open. It'll tear you up.
Tara: I will forgive you. For everything. Everything. You know that is a lot. And this is a one-time-only offer.
Letti Mae: I can't, baby. I can't.
Tara: If you don't, God will judge you.
Letti Mae: It's God telling me not to.
Tara: It is Satan. That's Satan in your m*therf*ckin' Sunday hat. Satan has been telling you he is God for a long time, and you've fallen for it hook, line, and sinker.
Letti Mae: That ain't true.
Tara: Yes, it is. I see it in your eyes, and it's looking right back at me. Like it has ever since I was born. God, you've never been a real woman of God. You never stepped outside your own ignorance and fear and done something selfless for me or for anybody. Well, God is knocking on your door right now, Mama. It couldn't be more loud and clear. Are you gonna let him in?
Letti Mae: Lord God, I take refuge in you. Save and deliver me from all those who pursue me, or they will tear at me like a lion and rip me to pieces and there will be no one to rescue me.
Lafayette: What was it like inside Tara's head?
Tara: Like there was no limit, like anything could happen and it probably will. And you can feel your insides expanding, but there's also this... this emptying out of everything right at the very center of your being, and you don't want that to ever stop. Ever.
Lafayette: Damn, that sound nice.
Scene 7: Merlotte's - Sam, Coby, Lisa
Sam: Here you go. And more where that came from.
Lisa: What's wrong with our mama?
Sam: I'm not sure. But I think she's sick.
Lisa: Is she blond?
Sam: Well, she might be sometimes, but not always.
Lisa: Is she gonna die?
Sam: No. Not anytime soon. Now listen, has she... has she been sick in front of you a lot?
Lisa: She doesn't seem sick.
Coby: She seems crazy.
Lisa: Is she crazy?
Sam: Everybody gets a little crazy every now and then.
Lisa: She's always kissin' Terry and doin' other gross stuff when her eyes get weird.
Coby: Can we get her a doctor?
Lisa: Or someone to make her like she used to be?
Coby: Like a vampire. I bet a vampire would know what to do.
Lisa: Where's vampire Bill?
Sam: I don't know. I think he's... he's still in Dallas.
Coby: Don't you know any other vampires?
Scene 8: Lafayette's house - Lafayette, Sookie, Tara, Letti Mae
Sookie: How's your leg?
Lafayette: Better than ever.
Sookie: How'd that happen?
Lafayette: Eric made me drink his m*therf*ckin' blood is how that happened.
Sookie: Me too. He tricked me.
Lafayette: Somebody need to slap that bitch.
Sookie: I have.
Lafayette: Look at you.
Sookie: Have you had... any dreams... about him?
Lafayette: Now, Sook, how would you know that?
Sookie: What kind of dreams?
Lafayette: It's like he's always in my head. And s*x dreams, all kind of nasty and... fantastic. Which freaks me the f*ck out because I hates that m*therf*cker more than you'll ever know.
Letti Mae goes outside, crying.
Lafayette: hell. What now? What?
Letti Mae: I can't stay in there with her, sayin' those things that break my heart. I will keep guard while one of you goes to sit with her. She can't hurt you like me.
Sookie: Oh yes, she can.
Lafayette: You ain't gonna shoot yourself.
Letti Mae: Show me some respect, boy. I taught you how to shoot a gun. When those white boys from your scholl was givin' you trouble.
Lafayette: Yeah, but auntie, that was a BB gun you used to shoot cats with.
Sookie: You shot cats?
Letti Mae: Only when they went to the bathroom in my yard.
Lafayette: All right now.
Lafayette gives her the gun. She points it on him.
Lafayette: What you doin'?
Letti Mae: Tara, baby, I got the gun!
Sookie: You are not really doing this.
Letti Mae: Go unlock the handcuffs.
Lafayette: No.
Letti Mae: Go!
She shoots in the air.
Sookie: Miss Thornton, Lafayette was recently shot. He's been...
Letti Mae: You go unlock Tara.
Sookie: So she can go back to Maryann? You've seen what it's like in there. You've seen that evil. You're sending Tara back in the wood?
Letti Mae: I got a chance to win my baby back for real. The Lord works in mysterious ways.
Sookie (to Lafayette): Keys?
Lafayette: It's... it's in my pocket, but I can't move.
Sookie takes the keys and go in the house.
Letti Mae: I pity you.
Lafayette looks at Letti Mae and sees Eric.
Letti Mae (with Eric's face and body): I don't hate you like your mama does. You can't help what you are. But I cannot let you keep me and Tara apart. (Eric's voice) And that's why I'm gonna have to kill you. I thought you wanted to be a vampire. You know how you feel with my blood inside you? Well, being a vampire is like that... times a million. Goodbye, sweetheart.
We see Letti Mae's face and body again. Tara and Sookie come out.
Sookie: What the hell did you do to him?
Letti Mae: Nothing. Tara, baby, go! And don't you ever forget I did this for you!
Tara: Sookie. I need the keys.
Sookie: You are being a f*ckin' idiot.
Sookie gives her the keys. Tara leaves.
Scene 9: In the car - Jason, Andy
Jason: You think Sam's ever turned into a dog and then had s*x with a lady dog?
Andy: Jesus, Jason, you're talkin' about bestiality.
Jason: No, it ain't bestiality if there ain't a human involved. Then it's just nature.
They arrive in front of the police station. A woman is in her underwear, running and shouting.
Andy: Sure don't seem like nature to me.
Jason: What the f*ck?
Andy: That was Everly Mason.
Jason: We gotta fix things, Andy. I ain't lettin' weird sh1t like this take over my town. No f*ckin' way.
Scene 10: The police station - Rosie, Jason, Andy, Bud
Rosie (on the phone): Really? You dialed 911 and you got me? Oh, honey, you are f*cked. Gotta go. Good luck.
Andy and Jason arrive.
Rosie: Hey there, Detective Bellefleur. I missed you. Don't you remember me? We almost had s*x once. Hey Jason.
Jason: Hi Rosie.
Rosie: How would you like to get f*cked every which way but north?
Andy: Hey.
Jason: It's okay, Andy. I got this. You just go get the heat.
Andy: Stackhouse! This is a serious operation. Ain't about you getting' your pole wet.
Jason: Dude, do not cockblock me. It'll keep her from telling anyone else we're here. Now go.
Rosie: I'm gonna turn you inside out, boy.
Jason: That sounds like it's gonna hurt.
Andy is in another piece. He opens a cupboard.
Andy: Jackpot.
He takes bullets. Someone shots in the air behind him; it's Bud. He has black eyes.
Bud: Hey Andy. Come dance with me. Come on. (He sings)
Andy: Damn it, Bud! You know I hate to dance!
Andy takes Bud's arm.
Andy: Cut it out!
Bud: I gotta take a dump.
He leaves laughing.
Scene 11: Lafayette's house - Sookie, Lafayette, Letti Mae
Letti Mae: Why you shakin' like that?
Sookie: Because he is traumatized.
Letti Mae: Well, so am i.
Sookie (in Lafayette's ear): I'm gonna do something and I'll need you to move fast. Grab the gun when she drops it. Can you do that? (At loud voice) It's all right. She ain't gonna shoot you. (To Letti Mae) Would you please at least lower that gun, Miss Thornton? He is freakin' out.
Sookie takes an object and throws it on Letti Mae.
Sookie: Run! (Lafayette takes the pistol) Let's go get Tara.
Letti Mae: It's not my fault! She forgave me! Let her go!
Sookie and Lafayette leave in Lafayette's car.
Scene 12: Fangtasia - Sam, Coby, Lisa
Sam, Coby and Lisa are in Sam's car, in front of the Fangtasia.
Lisa: Sam, did you know my daddy?
Sam: I did not. Your mom... she split up with him before I came to town. I heard about him, though.
Lisa: What did you hear?
Sam: That... he was... he was a bit of a wild card, with a big personality.
Lisa: I don't even know what he looks like. Mama cut him out of all the picture she had. All I know is his name's Duane, and he tattooed Mama's name on his stomach.
Sam: Well, he must have loved her a lot, because you know that hurt.
Ginger goes to the Fangtasia. Sam goes to her.
Sam: Excuse me. (she screams) Nothin' to be afraid of. Just here to see Eric.
Ginger: He won't be here till after dark.
Sam: Well, obviously. I have two kids with me. Can we wait inside?
Ginger: No. I can't let anyone in without his permission.
Sam: Not even for a... hundred dollars?
Scene 13: In the car - Sookie, Lafayette
Sookie: I can hold that for you if you like. Might make it a little easier for you to drive.
Lafayette: Ain't nobody gonna point this pistol but me. Ain't personal.
Sookie: Are you okay?
Lafayette: Nope.
Sookie: Lafayette, I need you to suck it up. I cannot do this alone.
Lafayette: I know.
Sookie: We just need to get in, get Tara and get the hell out.
Lafayette: Yep.
Sookie: And if Maryann gives us any trouble, you have to shoot her.
Lafayette: I will.
Sookie: I mean it. Shoot her in the head.
Scene 14: Sookie's house - Tara, Eggs, Maryann, Arlene, Terry, Jane, Mike
Tara arrives. Eggs is in the kitchen, alone.
Tara: Eggs?
He has black eyes.
Eggs: baby. Where you been? I was so scared. Don't you ever leave me again, okay?
Tara: I won't. I promise. I love you. We gotta get you out of here, okay? Let's go somewhere else, please. Listen to me.
Maryann: But everything you want... is right here. I knew you'd come.
Tara: No. I don't know what you are, but I want out.
Maryann: It's too late for that.
Tara: You made me eat somebody's heart.
Maryann: And you loved it. Admit it.
Tara: you don't want us. You want Sam. We ain't got nothing to do with it.
Maryann: Nothing to do with it? You... summoned me.
Tara: What?
Maryann: That night in the woods with that unfortunate pharmacist. You saw me. Well, you saw you through me.
Flash back Tara in the woods:
Tara baby: Mama, please. Don't hurt me.
Miss Jeanette: One of you must die. End flash back.
Tara: But Miss Jeanette was a fake. She scammed people by making up crazy rituals.
Maryann: Ritual is a powerful thing. And calling forth that kind of energy... has consequences.
Tara: So... she was real.
Maryann: Sadly, no. She wasn't the vessel, but you have to try every option, you know.
Tara: Please, just let us go. That doesn't work on me anymore.
Maryann slaps Tara. Tara has black eyes.
Maryann: That's more like it.
Tara and Eggs go upstairs.
People come in the kitchen.
Someone: Get on in there.
Terry: He came.
Maryann: What?
Arlene: The God Who Comes.
Jane: He came!
Terry: Yeah, and he smoked old Sam Merlotte but good.
Maryann: What are you talking about?
Mike: He had horns. And he took Sam Merlotte and he smote him. And then Sam disappeared. Just boom. Gone.
Arlene: And then... and Sam's clothes just fell to the ground. Empty.
Maryann: You f*cking morons! Out! Get out!
They all leave.
Maryann: Must I do everything myself?
[SCENE_BREAK]
Scene 15: Police station - Jason, Rosie, Kevin, Andy
Jason: You ain't got nothin' like grenades, flamethrowers?
Rosie: I'll tell you. If you let me blow you.
Jason: Rosie, I ain't never taken advantage of someone while she was f*cked up.
Rosie: What a liar! I know that Patsy Lyle passed out in the middle of having s*x with you.
Jason: She was fine when it started.
Rosie: Come on. I'm real good at it.
Jason: I just wouldn't feel right about it, darlin'.
Kevin: Would you feel right about it now?
Kevin points his arm on Jason's head.
Rosie: Shoot him. I want to see what happens to his head.
Jason: No.
Kevin: What's the game with the one bullet in the gun and you don't know if it'll go off or not? That Chinese fire drill?
Jason: Russian roulette.
Kevin: Yeah, that's it.
Kevin shoots but there's no bullet. Andy arrives.
Andy" Kevin, drop it.
Now Kevin shoots on Andy but there's a bullet. Jason takes the arm from Kevin.
Andy (before Jason shoots): Jason. It's okay. Kevlar.
Jason: Cool you get one for me?
Andy: Only got the one.
Jason: Well, that sucks.
Scene 16: The Fortenberry's house - Hoyt, Maxine
Television: You know how big this match is. Not only are both of these men champions of their respective brand, I mean, you know...
Maxine: Damn. I should have frozen these Snickers bars first. What the hell. It's all gonna melt when I cook it. Maybe I'll freeze it then.
Hoyt: Mama, what the heck are you doin'?
Maxine: Hot sauce.
Hoyt: Oh, God. Nobody's gonna eat that.
Maxine: He will. And he is gonna love it. We have to hurry.
Hoyt: We ain't goin' nowhere.
Maxine: Maryann will remember this day for the rest of her life. I don't have the heart to tell her it's all downhill from here.
Hoyt: What the hell are you talkin' about?
Maxine: 'Cause there ain't a woman alive who'd go through with it if she knew the truth. Oh Hoyt, you can go ahead and pack that box of chardonnay in the car.
Hoyt: Mama. We ain't goin'.
Maxine: You are not keepin' me from this.
Hoyt: When Daddy died, I promised you I would take of you.
Maxine: You were ten. Let it go.
Hoyt: I've already let too much bad happen to you.
Maxine: You haven't let enough bad happen to me. You know how much times I wanted to go down to Merlotte's and drink myself silly and find some dumb redneck to take to my bed? But no. I had to take care of you.
Hoyt: You ain't yourself right now.
Maxine: Lordy, boy, you are every bit as big a pansy as your daddy.
Hoyt: Daddy was a hero.
Maxine: Daddy... was a secret drinker. You want to know what I really think? A closet homosexual. That man just liked to dance more than a normal man should.
Hoyt: Yeah, I don't want to hear this. It's just mean. He died protecting me and you from a burglar.
Maxine: Daddy put a bullet in his own head, 'cause he was too weak to handle his responsibilities. I lied and said it was a burglar, 'cause otherwise we'd have never gotten that life insurance money, dumb ass.
Scene 17: In the woods - Sookie, Lafayette, Arlene, Terry
Sookie: My Gran lived and died in that house, and now it's like people who are the exact opposite of everything she was are... defiling her. I almost got raped in Dallas, but this is so much worse.
Sookie and Lafayette are in the woods in front of Sookie's house.
Lafayette: Don't take it personal, Sook. They ain't themselves, and they're not doin' it on purpose.
Sookie: The first time I met Maryann, I knew there was something seriously off about her. She was thinking creepy foreign stuff, and I could tell it wasn't good.
Lafayette: You couldn't have stopped her.
Sookie: How come there's so much wrong in the world, Lafayette? How come so many people are willing to do bad things and hurt other people?
Lafayette: Because they're weak.
Sookie: Well, I am not weak, and I am not afraid. I am gonna kick that bitch's evil ass out of my Gran's house and then you are gonna shoot her.
Lafayette: In the f*ckin' head.
Sookie: Right.
Arlene: Hey. Y'all trespassin'. You're gonna have to pay a fine.
Arlene and Terry are on the tree.
Terry: Yeah. Or go to the brig.
They come down.
Arlene: The fine is a hundred million dollars and your pants.
Terry: I'll take that gun.
Lafayette: Hey, about drugs? Would you take some drugs?
Arlene: No, I do not take drugs, thank you.
Terry: What do you got?
Lafayette: MDMA. Pharmaceutical grade.
Terry: You ain't got no oxy?
Arlene: Drugs are for losers, baby.
Terry: It'll make s*x real nice.
Arlene: Okay. Give me.
Lafayette: How much you want?
Terry: All of'em.
Arlene: Yeah. 'Cause if a job ain't worth doin' all out, then why order a hamburger unless there's steak at home or somethin' like that, right?
Sookie: I don't wait anymore. I'm gonna go in through the back porch.
Lafayette: I'll be right behind, soon as I get done with these bugeyed freaks.
Arlene: I got a yellow one.
Sookie runs through the house.
Lafayette: Here, chickie chickie. Here, chickie chickie.
Scene 18: Fangtasia - Sam, Eric, Pam, Coby, Lisa
Eric: Why should I help you, shifter?
Sam: Because I need your help. We need it. And hopefully someday I might be able to give you somethin' you need.
Eric: Can you give me Sookie Stackhouse?
Sam: No.
Eric: That's a shame. That would be a tribute I would not soon forget.
Sam: I'm not here to give you tribute, Eric.
Eric: No, you're here to request my help based on a hypothetical future in which you return the favor. But you are known to not be friendly toward those like me. Why should I trust you?
Sam: Because until somebody starts trusting somebody, we're all single targets just ripe for the picking.
Eric: I have no knowledge of this maenad creature, although I suspect it's the bullheaded beast that passed through recently. Right?
Pam: That thing owes me a pair of shoes.
Sam: So can you help us or not?
Eric: I do know someone who might me able to offer something useful. Might... be able to.
Coby: Can we see your fangs?
Eric: Don't you like vampires, little girl?
Sam: Eric!
Lisa: Our almost stepdaddy hated vampires, but we don't.
Coby: He went on a vacation with Jesus.
Pam: You make me so happy I never had any of you.
Eric: Oh, come on, Pam. They're funny. They're like humans, but miniature. Teacup humans.
Pam (in a foreign language): I hate them. They're so stupid.
Eric (in the same language): But delicious.
Sam: So can you call this other person who might be able to...
Eric: Better yet, I'll go see her. But I must leave right away.
Sam: No problem.
Eric: I'll walk you out.
Pam (in the foreign language): Please get those horrible things out of here. I'll be smelling them for a week.
On the parking.
Sam: You have my cell phone number.
Eric: I'll let you know if I learn anything of use to you. Good night tiny humans.
Eric flies.
Coby: Wow, he can fly!
Sam: Come on, Coby. Let's get you two back to Bon Temps. Come on, get in. let's go.
They leave.
Scene 19: Sookie's house - Jane, Sookie, Mike
Jane is singing. Sookie comes in, in silence.
Jane (to herself): Here we go. All done. (She sees Sookie) Lookie here. It's a present. (Jane shows Sookie her finger that she just cut) He loves presents.
Sookie goes in the house. There's a young man in her kitchen. Mike Spencer is on the floor. He touches her foot.
Mike: Remember when your Gran was layin' here... all bloody and dead?
Sookie: Of course I do.
Mike: Come on down here with me.
Mike, Jane and the other man scream.
Sookie: It's okay. Sh. It's okay. It's okay. Stop.
Mike: Come on.
Sookie lies on the floor, next to Mike.
Mike: You smell good.
Sookie: You don't. Not at all.
Mike: Makes me feel more alive bein' in the presence of death, don't it? Well, I guess you'd know that.
Sookie: Not as much as you.
Mike: How come you let him put his dead pecker inside you? It ain't natural and I ain't right.
Sookie: I don't think you're in any position to talk about what's natural and right.
Scene 20: The queen's house - Sophie-Anne, Bill, Ludis
Sophie-Anne: What are you in the mood for?
Bill: Nothin' for me, thank you.
Sophie-Anne: William, you have to eat before we play Yahtzee. I need you to play your best game.
Bill: I only feed from Sookie.
Sophie-Anne: Why on Earth would you do that?
Bill: Your Majesty, I implore you. If you've told me everything about maenads, then give me leave to return to Bon Temps.
Sophie-Anne: Oh, dear. Ludis.
Ludis: Your Majesty.
Sophie-Anne: Ludis, this is my good friend Bill Compton. Would you allow him to feed from you?
Ludis: Yes, of course.
Bill: I appreciate the offer, but the...
Sophie-Anne: William, you have to at least try him. I insist.
Ludis: I will have a s*x with you.
Bill: That will not be necessary.
Bill feeds from Ludis.
Sophie-Anne: I love watching two men together.
Scene 21: In front of Sookie's house - Lafayette, Maryann, Karl
Maryann: Can I help you? Horse nettle. Also known as bull nettle, the Devil's tomato, and my personal favorite, the apple of Sodom. It's quite poisonous. But in the tiniest of doses, a savory addition to any wine-based sauce. Gives it a pungent hint of madness. A little touch of total abandon.
Lafayette: Stop!
Maryann: And I can tell that you are no stranger...
Lafayette: Bitch, I said stop!
Maryann: ...to total abandon.
Lafayette shoots but Maryann raises her hand and the bullet hits Karl and kills him.
Maryann: Oh, poor Karl. You didn't really advance much in this lifetime. You cook, don't you?
Scene 22: The queen's house - Sophie-Anne, Bill, Hadley, Eric
They play with a fourth guy at Yahtzee.
Sophie-Anne: I hate threes.
Bill: Your Majesty, I really need to leave.
Bill stands and begins to leave.
Sophie-Anne: Maenads are sad silly things. The world changed centuries ago and they're still waiting for the God Who Comes.
Bill: Does he ever come?
Sophie-Anne: Of course not. Gods never actually show up. They only exist in human's minds, like money and morality.
Bill: If I can't kill her, how do I get her to leave Bon Temps?
Sophie-Anne: She has to believe that she's successfully summoned forth Dionysus... in hope that he will ravish her, quite literally devour her, until she's lost into oblivion.
Bill: So she seeks... death... the true death. The one thing she's evolved beyond.
Sophie-Anne: Ironic, isn't it? You know, they're really not that smart, these maenads.
Bill: So how does she summon this nonexistent god of hers?
Sophie-Anne: I never said he was nonexistent. I just said he never comes. She believes if she finds the perfect vessel, sacrifices and devours part of him or her while surrounded by the magic of her familiars, then her mad god will appear. At that point, when she willingly surrenders herself to him...
Bill: That's the only point she can be killed.
Sophie-Anne (about Bill): He was the smartest boy in class.
Bill: The perfect vessel... human?
Sophie-Anne: They prefer supernatural beings.
Bill: The two-natured?
Sophie-Anne: Shifters, yes. And Weres. Fortunately, they show little interest in us. Something about our hearts not beating. But they'll try any other being that straddles the two worlds.
Bill: As long as it has a beating heart.
Sophie-Anne: You have to remember, they've been trying for centuries. They're constantly improvising their recipes in hopes of finding that one magic element that will make it all happen. Idiots. Excuse me. Hadley, keep our guests entertained, won't you?
Sophie-Anne goes to speak to a guard.
Sophie-Anne: Really? How interesting.
Hadley: How's my cousin Sookie?
Bill: She's good.
Hadley: Be sure and tell her I said hey.
Bill: I don't know.
Hadley: How's Gran? I'd love to talk to her sometime, but I owe her so much money.
Bill: I think it's best that you are not in touch.
Hadley: Oh, I know. There's no place for me in that world anymore. Still think about'em, though.
Sophie-Anne: That'll be all.
She comes back at the table.
Sophie-Anne: Well, seems your friend Mr. Northman is here.
Bill: Then it's definitely time for me to go.
Sophie-Anne: This alpha male posturing, you two really should just f*ck each other and get it over with. I could watch.
Bill: Thank you for seeing me.
Sophie-Anne: Enjoy your restricted diet. I do look forward to meeting her.
Bill leaves.
Sophie-Anne: Yahtzee.
On the entry:
Bill: What are you doing here?
Eric: Hoping the queen can tell me how to kick a maenad's ass.
Bill: Now why would you want to do that? So that you'll look like a hero to Sookie?
Eric: Oh, Bill. This paranoia, it's really quite unbecoming. Has she... mentioned me?
Bill: No. That was really quite desperate of you, tricking her into drinking your blood so that she became attracted to you.
Eric: Unlike you who fed her your own blood the very night you met.
Bill: How do you know that?
Eric: So you're not denying it?
Bill: I was saving her life.
Eric: Isn't that convenient?
Bill: You stay away from Sookie, Eric. Or I will tell the queen that you're forcing humans to sell vampire blood for you.
Eric: You wouldn't.
Bill: I won't, as long as you never come close to Sookie ever again.
Eric: I don't like threats, Bill.
Bill: Neither do I.
Bill leaves.
Scene 23: In the truck - Jason, Andy
Andy: Why are we parking so far away?
Jason: So we can sneak up on them. Element of surprise. Carbs. Load up. You think Sam... could turn into a chicken and lay his own egg? Wouldn't that be weird eating something that just came out of you?
Andy: What kind of a perverted brain would even think of something like that?
Jason: Why ain't you never liked me, Andy? Is it because how much pussy I get?
Andy: No.
Jason: Because I ain't taking any pussy away from you. There is more than enough pussy to go around.
Andy: It ain't about pussy. I just think you've had everything too easy.
Jason: What have I ever had that was easy?
Andy: You were all-state quarterback.
Jason: You think that was easy? I'm starting to have knee issues and I ain't even 30 yet. What else?
Andy: Well, yeah, women do just throw themselves at you. You don't even have to do anything.
Jason: Yeah, well, actually I do. I work out like a m*therf*cker, and I watch a lot of p0rn to learn stuff. What else? Well, my best friend killed my grandma and my girlfriend. I come from no money. My mama, my daddy: died when I was 11.
Andy: So did mine.
Jason: Your daddy died in Vietnam, but your mama ran off with some Yankee race car driver. You may hate me, Andy Bellefleur. You may think you're better than me, and maybe you are, but you and me are the ones who have received the calling to save this town. So obviously God wants us to bury the hatchet.
Andy: It's all up to us, ain't it?
Jason: It is. And we can't f*ck it up.
Andy: We won't f*ck it up.
Jason: Because this town might be full of crazy rednecks and dumbasses, but they're still Americans, Andy.
Andy: And that used to mean something. It still does.
They go down of the truck.
Jason: Shotgun. Bandoleer. Let's go.
Scene 24: Sam's house - Sam, Bill
Sam is outside, alone when someone appears in front of him. It's Bill.
Scene 25: Sookie's house - Sookie, Mike
Mike: Funny thing is, I've always hated blood. Yeah, I never wanted to be a coroner or a undertaker. I wanted to be a DJ or a boat captain.
Sookie: Mike, enough with the foreplay. Let's just... let's just do it already. On one condition. I have to be on top.
Mike: Fine by me. That's better for my back, anyway.
Sookie sits on Mike and hits him then run away. She goes upstairs.
Voice of a man: I want me some of that. Show me how you cam shale your moneymaker. That's it.
Sookie opens a room's door.
Sookie: Tara?
There's a man wearing her dress.
Man: Too much?
She closes the door.
Sookie: Way too much.
She enters in another room. Tara and Eggs are breaking everything.
Sookie: Stop! What are you doing?
Eggs: Oh, tear it up. It's paid for.
Sookie: That's Gran's!
Tara: No, I need it for the nest.
There's a giant egg on the middle of the bed. Someone put his hand on Sookie's shoulder. It's Lafayette.
Lafayette: Where you been at? (He have black eyes) I was looking for you.
Sookie screams. | Plan: A: Sophie-Anne; Q: Who is the Vampire Queen of Louisiana? A: the femoral artery; Q: What is the name of the artery that Sophie-Anne feeds from? A: Maryann; Q: Who is waiting for her god to come and bring her true death? A: the entire day; Q: How long does Sophie-Anne make Bill spend with her before she will tell him what she knows? A: Yahtzee; Q: What game does Sophie-Anne make Bill play with her? A: Eric; Q: Who does Bill run into on his way to Bon Temps? A: vampire blood; Q: What is Lafayette being forced to sell? A: Maxine; Q: Who is Hoyt's mother? A: more violent side; Q: What does Hoyt see in Jessica that makes him want to keep her away from her? A: Bill's warnings; Q: What did Hoyt say he should have listened to about Jessica? A: Tara; Q: Who convinces her mother that God wants her to let her go? A: Lettie Mae; Q: Who holds Sookie and Lafayette at gunpoint? A: Eggs; Q: Who does Tara go after at Sookie's house? A: her mother; Q: Who does Tara convince to let her go? A: words; Q: What does Tara show Maryann that she can no longer be convinced through? A: Maryann's "vibrating" energy; Q: What does Tara refuse to be influenced by? A: the face; Q: What part of Tara does Maryann punch to get her to agree to her influence? A: Sam; Q: Who takes Coby and Lisa Fowler to Fangtasia? A: the woods; Q: Where are Coby and Lisa Fowler hiding from their mother? A: lunch; Q: What does Sam feed Coby and Lisa Fowler? A: a couple; Q: How many days have Coby and Lisa Fowler not eaten? A: Andy; Q: Who does Jason decide to work with to defeat Maryann? A: Sam's advice; Q: What did Jason and Andy ignore when they went to the police station to arm themselves? A: violence; Q: What does Sam tell Jason and Andy they can't stop Maryann with? A: Maryann's influence; Q: What is the police department under? A: plenty; Q: How many guns and ammo did Andy and Jason manage to arm themselves with? A: their differences; Q: What do Jason and Andy put aside to work together to defeat Maryann? A: Fangtasia; Q: Where does Sam take the kids to ask for help? A: help; Q: What does Sookie scream for when Lafayette advances on her? A: Sophie-Anne's advice; Q: What does Eric ask for help in stopping Maryann? A: The townspeople; Q: Who tells Maryann that the god came and smote Sam? A: the mob; Q: Who did Maryann think was tricked by Sam's shape-shifting? A: his father; Q: Who did Hoyt's mother reveal killed himself? A: burglars; Q: Who did Hoyt's father think killed him? A: drugs; Q: What does Lafayette use to distract Terry and Arlene? A: a brief and disturbing encounter; Q: How did Sookie feel about her encounter with Mike Spencer? A: Carl; Q: Who does Maryann accidentally kill when she tries to shoot her? A: the bullet; Q: What does Maryann deflect into Carl? A: Tara and Eggs; Q: Who does Sookie find in her Gran's old room? A: a large, unhatched egg; Q: What is in the nest Tara and Eggs built on Sookie's Gran's bed? Summary: Bill walks in on Sophie-Anne, the Vampire Queen of Louisiana, feeding from the femoral artery of a young girl. Bill asks her advice on how to defeat Maryann, but Sophie-Anne makes Bill reluctantly spend the entire day lounging with her and playing Yahtzee before she will tell him what she knows. She eventually reveals to Bill that Maryann is waiting for her god to come and bring her "true death" and that she can be killed only when she believes her god has come for her. Bill departs for Bon Temps, running into Eric on the way out. He threatens to reveal to Sophie-Anne that Eric is making Lafayette sell vampire blood unless he stays away from Sookie. Hoyt takes his mother Maxine away from Jessica after seeing her more violent side, and says he should have listened to Bill's warnings about her. Jessica, heartbroken, screams in rage and hurt. Tara proves difficult for Sookie, Lafayette and Lettie Mae to handle as she insists on going after Eggs. Tara manages to convince her mother that God wants her to let her go. Lettie Mae holds Sookie and Lafayette at gunpoint while Tara makes her getaway. Sookie and Lafayette manage to liberate themselves from Lettie Mae and go after Tara, who goes to Sookie's house and finds Eggs in the kitchen. Tara shows Maryann that she can no longer be convinced through words and also that she refuses to let herself be influenced by Maryann's "vibrating" energy, so Maryann resorts to punching her in the face which has the effect of once again putting Tara under her influence. Sam finds Coby and Lisa Fowler - Arlene's young children - wandering around the woods hiding from their mother and the rest of the townspeople. Sam takes them in and feeds them lunch as they tell him they have not eaten in a couple of days. Jason and Andy, meanwhile, decide to take action against Maryann and, ignoring Sam's advice that Maryann cannot be stopped with violence, they go to the police station to arm themselves. All of the staff at the police department are under Maryann's influence and behave obnoxiously and dangerously, but Andy and Jason still manage to arm themselves with plenty of guns and ammo. Jason and Andy put aside their differences and decide to work together to defeat Maryann. Sam takes the kids to Fangtasia and reluctantly asks Eric for help. The Viking vampire agrees to ask Sophie-Anne's advice about stopping Maryann. The townspeople tell Maryann that the god came and smote Sam, but Maryann deduces that the mob has been tricked by Sam's shape-shifting and angrily orders them out. Hoyt tries to deal with Maxine on his own, but she continues to insult him and even reveals that his father killed himself because he was weak, and that he was not shot by burglars as Hoyt believed. Sookie and Lafayette arrive at her house and, while Lafayette distracts Terry and Arlene with drugs, Sookie sneaks inside. After a brief and disturbing encounter with Mike Spencer, she makes her way upstairs. Lafayette runs into Maryann and Carl. He attempts to shoot Maryann; however, she effortlessly deflects the bullet into Carl who dies as a result. Sookie finds Tara and Eggs in her Gran's old room, building a large nest on the bed in which sits a large, unhatched egg. Sookie screams for help as Lafayette, now also under Maryann's influence, advances on her. |
"In a land of myth and a time of magic, the destiny of a great kingdom rests on the shoulders of a young boy. His name: Merlin." Western isles, shop Knight Valiant enters a shady shop.
Valiant: I understand you have a shield for me. The merchant, Devlin, motions for him to come behind the counter.
Devlin: With your sword craft and this shield, I guarantee you will win.
Valiant: Show me how it works.
Devlin: Certainly. Tharanai im bis entra ofra honra stolle. Snakes slither out of the shield.
Devlin: When you're competing in the tournament, you pin your opponent under the shield, a snake strikes. Your opponent will be paralysed. Devlin hands him the shield.
Devlin: The snakes are now under your command. They will do anything that you tell them to do.
Valiant: Anything?
Devlin: Just say the word. They both laugh darkly.
Valiant: Kill him. A snake strikes Devlin. Valiant rides for Camelot and places his helmet and seal on the registration table.
Valiant: Knight Valiant of the Western Isles. I'm here for the tournament.
Steward: Welcome to Camelot. Outside castle ramparts Arthur trains in his standard armour with no helmet. Merlin wears armour with a helmet and shield.
Arthur: Ready?
Merlin: Would it make any difference if I said no?
Arthur: Not really. Merlin draws his sword. Arthur attacks.
Arthur: Body. Shield. Body. Shield.
Merlin: Shield.
Arthur: Head.
Merlin: Head? Ow.
Arthur: Come on, Merlin. You're not even trying. Arthur tags Merlin in the back.
Merlin: I know. Ah.
Arthur: Once more.
Merlin: Oh, no.
Arthur: To the left. To the right. And left. Head.
Merlin: Ow!
Arthur: Come on, Merlin! I've got a tournament to win.
Merlin: Can we stop now, please? Ow! Shield. Body.
Arthur: Shield.
Merlin: Shield. Ah. Arthur hits him in the head.
Merlin: Ow. Merlin topples over backwards and his helmet rolls off.
Arthur: You're braver than you look. Most servants collapse after the first blow.
Merlin: Is it over?
Arthur: That was just the warm up. How's your mace work coming along? Merlin sighs. Gaius's chambers Merlin walks in, losing his armour as he goes.
Gaius (chuckle): So, how was your first day as Arthur's servant? Merlin taps his head.
Merlin: Do you hear clanging? Merlin sits at the table wearing his tunic. Gaius massages Merlin's shoulders.
Merlin: Ah! It was horrible. Ahh, and I've still got to learn all about tournament etiquette by the morning. onhríne achtung bregdan. A book slides to Merlin on the table and opens up.
Gaius: Oi! Gaius slaps the back of Merlin's head.
Gaius: What've I told you about using magic like this?
Merlin: If I could actually feel my arms, I'd pick up the book myself.
Gaius: Never mind your arms. What do I do if you get caught?
Merlin: What would you do?
Gaius: Well you just make sure it doesn't happen, for both our sakes. Gaius goes back to treating Merlin's shoulders.
Merlin: Ah! I save Arthur from being killed and I end up as a servant. How is that fair?
Gaius: I'm not sure fairness comes into it. You never know, it might be fun.
Merlin (scoff): You think mucking out Arthur's horses is going to be fun? You should hear my list of duties.
Gaius: We all have our duties. Even Arthur.
Merlin: It must be so tough for him with all the girls and the glory.
Gaius: He is a future king. People expect so much of him. He's under a lot of pressure.
Merlin: Ah! That makes two of us. Gwen's house Merlin brings Arthur's armour to Gwen's house. Merlin's dressed in the armour.
Gwen: So, you've got voiders on the arms.
Merlin: Mm-mmm.
Gwen: The hauberk goes over your chest.
Merlin: The chest. The arms. The chest.
Gwen: I guess you know what to do with the helmet.
Merlin: Erm, yeah. Yeah, that was the only bit I'd figured out. Gwen giggles. Merlin puts the helmet on.
Merlin: How come you're so much better at this than me?
Gwen: I'm the blacksmith's daughter. I know pretty much everything there is to know about armour, which is actually kind of sad.
Merlin: No, it's brilliant! Training grounds Merlin struggles to get the vambrace on Arthur's lower arm.
Arthur: You do know the tournament starts today?
Merlin: Yes, Sire. Merlin fixes the buckle on the gorget.
Merlin: You nervous?
Arthur: I don't get nervous.
Merlin: Really? I thought everyone got nervous.
Arthur: Will you shut up! Merlin grabs Arthur's cape, ties it on him, and hands Arthur his helmet.
Merlin: Great, yeah. I think you're all set.
Arthur: Aren't you forgetting something? My sword.
Merlin: Oh, yeah. Yeah, sorry. Guess, uh, you'll be needing that. Arthur grabs the sword and marches off.
Merlin: That went well. Tournament grounds Gwen and Morgana sit excitedly in the stands of the tournament grounds as the competitors enter the arena. Merlin peeks around the entrance as Uther struts past the front line of knights.
Uther: Knights of the realm, it's a great honour to welcome you to a tournament at Camelot. Over the next three days, you will come to put your bravery to the test, your skills as warriors, and of course, to challenge the reigning champion, my son, Prince Arthur. Only one can have the honour of being crowned champion, and he will receive a prize of 1,000 gold pieces. A box is opened revealing the gold.
Uther: It is in combat that we learn a knight's true nature, whether he is indeed a warrior or a coward. The tournament begins! The crowd cheers. The knights exit the arena. Uther stops by Arthur on his way to the stands.
Uther: I trust you will make me proud. Uther slaps his back. Guards take Arthur and the other knight's capes, and they put on helmets. Crowd cheers. Gwen whoops. Arthur and the knight fight.
Merlin: Yeah! Come on! Arthur wins. The crowd cheers.
Merlin: Yeah! Valiant wins his bout. Other knights compete. Arthur and Merlin watch Valiant fighting.
Merlin: Knight Valiant looks pretty handy with a sword. Valiant exits the arena and stops near Arthur.
Valiant: May I offer my congratulations on your victories today?
Arthur: Likewise.
Valiant: I hope to see you at the reception this evening. Valiant leaves with his servant.
Merlin: Creep. Arthur and Merlin snort.
Arthur: Uh, for tomorrow you need to repair my shield, wash my tunic, clean my boots, sharpen my sword, and polish my chainmail. Merlin's chamber Arthur's entire checklist is magically being done while Merlin reads the magic book. Gaius enters and all of the objects drop.
Gaius: Are you using magic again?
Merlin: No.
Gaius: What's all this, then? Merlin shrugs.
Gaius: I just came to tell you that supper's ready. Throne room The tournament knights queue up to meet Uther and Lady Morgana.
Valiant: Knight Valiant of the Western Isles, My Lord.
Uther: I saw you fighting today. You have a very aggressive style.
Valiant: Well, as My Lord said, "To lose is to be disgraced."
Uther: I couldn't agree more. Knight Valiant, may I present the Lady Morgana, my ward. Valiant bows to kiss Morgana's hand while Arthur looks on with a wry grin.
Valiant: My Lady.
Morgana: I saw you competing today.
Valiant: I saw you watching. I understand the tournament champion has the honour of escorting My Lady to the feast.
Morgana: That's correct.
Valiant: Then I will give everything to win the tournament. Morgana smiles and nods to him, Valiant nods back.
Valiant: My Lady. Valiant walks over to shake hands with other knights, Morgana and Gwen watch him. Arthur bows to his father.
Uther: Arthur.
Arthur: Father. Arthur looks over at Valiant before walking to Morgana.
Morgana: They all seem rather impressed by Knight Valiant.
Arthur: They're not the only ones.
Morgana: You're not jealous, are you?
Arthur: I don't see there's anything to be jealous of. Morgana's smile fades. Arthur walks on.
Morgana: Could Arthur be any more annoying? I so hope Knight Valiant win the tournament.
Gwen: You don't really mean that.
Morgana: Yes, I do. Castle - Armoury Merlin hears a hissing sound.
Merlin: Hello? Is there someone there? Merlin finds Valiant's shield and sees one of the snake eyes blink. he moves to touch it when someone puts a sword to his chest. Merlin gets up.
Valiant: Can I help you with something, boy?
Merlin: Nope. I'm good. I, I was just...I was, erm, gathering my master's armour.
Valiant: Then you'd best be on your way.
Merlin: Right, yeah. No problem. Merlin picks up the armour and stumbles on his way out. Arthur's Chambers Arthur's armour is laid out on the table. Arthur enters, dressed in his gambeson.
Arthur: You did all this on your own?
Merlin: Yes, Sire.
Arthur: Now let's see if you can get me into it without forgetting anything. Merlin puts on Arthur's hauberk and coat, followed by the gorget, vambraces, pauldron, and couter. Next: his mail coif, belt, sword belt, dagger, and sword. Merlin hands Arthur his helmet.
Arthur: That was much better. Not that it could have got any worse.
Merlin: I'm a fast learner.
Arthur: I hope, for you sake, that's true.
Merlin: Good luck. Tournament grounds Arthur walks into the arena and acknowledges the crowd. Merlin watches from the entrance.
Gaius: Is it my imagination, or are you beginning to enjoy yourself?
Merlin: It... Merlin sighs.
Merlin: It isn't totally horrible all the time. Arthur fights his opponent.
Merlin: Yes! Merlin claps enthusiastically. Valiant fights in the arena. He knocks down Sir Ewan, whose helm rolls off. Valiant pins him down with his shield.
Valiant: Strike him. Serpents come out of Valiant shield.
Valiant: Strike him! Serpent bites Sir Ewan. Valiant hits him and stands up. Crowd cheers. Arthur and Merlin see Sir Ewan just lying there.
Merlin: I think he's badly hurt. Gaius enters the arena with his medical bag. Gaius's chambers Merlin enters and puts down Arthur's armour.
Merlin: How is he?
Gaius: It's most odd. Look at this. See these two small wounds. Looks like a snake bite.
Merlin: How could he've been bitten by a snake? He was injured in the sword fight.
Gaius: But the symptoms are consistent with poisoning: slow pulse, fever, paralysis.
Merlin: Can you heal him?
Gaius: Well, if it is a snake bite, I'll have to extract venom from the snake that bit him to make an antidote.
Merlin: What happens if he doesn't get the antidote?
Gaius: Then I'm afraid there's nothing more I can do for him. He's going to die.
Merlin: He was fighting Knight Valiant.
Gaius: What's that?
Merlin: Nothing. Merlin exits. Castle - Guest chambers Valiant walks through the Red Ribbon Chamber and Merlin spies him from around the corner and follows to spy on Valiant in his guest quarters. Valiant pulls a mouse out of a cage.
Valiant: Dinner time. Come on. Valiant feeds it to the snakes in the shield. Merlin scurries away, but Valiant hears him and follows. Merlin hides in an alcove of the Criss-cross Corridor and Valiant gives up the chase. Gaius's Chambers
Merlin: I've just seen one of the snakes in Valiant's shield come alive. He's using magic.
Gaius: Are you sure?
Merlin: The snake ate a mouse - one swallow, straight down. Sir Ewan was fighting Valiant when he collapsed. It must've been one of the snakes from the shield. I have to tell Arthur.
Gaius: Is there any chance you might be mistaken?
Merlin: I know magic when I see it.
Gaius: Perhaps, but have you any proof?
Merlin: Don't you believe me?
Gaius: I fear you'll land yourself in trouble. How will you explain why you were in Valiant's chambers?
Merlin: What does that matter? He's using magic to cheat in the tournament!
Gaius: But you can't go accusing a knight of using magic without proof. The King would never accept the word of servant over the word of a knight.
Merlin: What? So what I say doesn't count for anything?
Gaius: I'm afraid it counts for very little as far as the King is concerned. That's the way it is. Training grounds/Tournament grounds Merlin and Arthur watch as a serving boy uses a step ladder to put on the helm of Arthur's next opponent.
Merlin: You're telling me you've got to fight that?
Arthur: Yes, and he's strong as a bear. But he's slow.
Merlin: Ah, and you're fast.
Arthur: Exactly. Merlin finishes helping Arthur with his armour. Morgana absently strokes Gwen's cloak in the stands.
Gwen: You're not worried, are you?
Morgana: No. Merlin sees Valiant put down his shield. Gaius approaches Merlin.
Gaius: How're you getting on?
Merlin: Fine. Just doing my job. Minding my own business. Arthur fights the bear knight and wins. Valiant wins his next match. Merlin and Gaius look at the final brackets.
Merlin: Valiant's going to fight Arthur in the final. He'll use the shield to kill him. Gaius's chambers Merlin sits with Sir Ewan by the sickbed. Gaius enters.
Gaius: Merlin, about what I said yesterday...Look, Uther wouldn't really listen to you or me, but you are right. We can't let Valiant get away with this.
Merlin: But we don't have any proof.
Gaius: Well, if we could cure Ewan, he could tell the King that Valiant was using magic. The King would believe another knight. But how we get the antidote...Well, that's another matter. Merlin gets up and leaves.
Gaius: Merlin? Council Chamber of Doom The knights toast.
Knights: Long live Valiant!
Uther: So, Valiant, do you think you stand a chance of defeating my son?
Valiant: He is a great warrior, My Lord. I do hope to be a worthy opponent. Merlin peeks into the Council Chamber.
Uther: You should stay in Camelot after the tournament. I could do with more knights like you.
Valiant: I'd be honoured, My Lord. Merlin heads to Valiant's guest chambers. Merlin spells. The door unlocks. Merlin enters and takes a sword from a rack, approaching the shield. Merlin turns to the door when he hears someone approaching. a snake slithers out of the shield and poises to strike. Merlin sees the shadow of the snake and turns around to cut off its head. The other snakes come out, but Merlin drops the sword, grabs the first snake head and runs out of the room. Gaius's chambers Gaius drains some venom from the snake head.
Gaius: I'll get started preparing the antidote.
Merlin: I'm going to tell Arthur.
Gaius: You'll need this. Gaius hands Merlin the snake head.
Gaius: And Merlin, what you did was very brave. Arthur's chambers Arthur is dining in his chambers.
Arthur: You? You chopped its head off?
Merlin: Ewan was bitten by a snake from the shield when he was fighting Valiant. You can talk to Gaius; you can see the puncture wounds in Ewan's neck where the snake bit him. Ewan was beating him, he had to cheat.
Arthur: Valiant wouldn't dare use magic in Camelot.
Merlin: Ewan was pinned under Valiant's shield. No one could see the snake bite him.
Arthur: I don't like the guy, but that doesn't mean he's cheating.
Merlin: Gaius is preparing an antidote to the snake venom. When Ewan's conscious, he'll tell you what happened. If you fight Valiant in the final, he'll use the shield. It's the only way he can beat you. Look at it! Merlin picks up the snake head.
Merlin: Have you ever seen any snakes like this in Camelot? Arthur takes the snake head and looks it over.
Merlin: I know I'm just a servant and my word doesn't count for anything. I wouldn't lie to you.
Arthur: I want you to swear to me what you're telling me is true.
Merlin: I swear it's true.
Arthur: Then I believe you. Gaius's chamber Valiant is escorted through the Square to the Council Chamber of Doom. Gaius treats Sir Ewan in Gaius's room. Ewan wakes.
Gaius: Welcome back.
Ewan: There was a snake on his shield. It came alive.
Gaius: You're weak. The snake's venom is still in your system.
Ewan: I must warn Arthur.
Gaius: Arthur already knows. He's requested an audience with the King. Now, they'll want to talk to you. Rest. You'll need your strength. I need to fetch more herbs. I'll be right back. Valiant's snake slithers to Ewan's bed and strikes him. Castle - Council chamber of doom Uther enters.
Uther: Why have you summoned the court?
Arthur: I believe Knight Valiant is using a magic shield to cheat in the tournament.
Uther: Valiant, what do you have to say to this?
Valiant: My Lord, this is ridiculous. I've never used magic. Does your son have any evidence to support this outrageous accusation?
Uther: Do you have evidence?
Arthur: I do. Arthur motions for Merlin to come forward, who hands Uther the snake head. Gaius's chamber Gaius mixes a potion.
Gaius: I'm afraid this potion tastes like toad water, but it'll get you back on your feet. Ewan? Gaius checks for Ewan's pulse. Castle - Council chamber of doom
Uther: Let me see this shield.
Merlin (whisper to Arthur): Don't let him get too close.
Arthur: Be careful, My Lord. Arthur draws his sword. Uther inspects the field. Gaius enters the room.
Gaius (whisper): Merlin.
Arthur (whisper to Merlin): We need Ewan. Find out what's happening. Merlin nods.
Valiant: As you can see, My Lord, it's just an ordinary shield.
Arthur: He's not going to let everyone see the snakes come alive.
Uther: Then how am I to know that what you say is true?
Arthur: I have a witness. Knight Ewan was bitten by one of the snakes from the shield. Its venom made him grievously ill; however, he has received an antidote. He will confirm that Knight Valiant is using magic.
Uther: Where is this witness?
Arthur: He should be here... Arthur turns to Gaius and Merlin.
Arthur: Where's Ewan?
Merlin: He's dead.
Uther: I'm waiting!
Arthur: I'm afraid the witness is dead.
Uther: So you have no proof to support these allegations. Have you seen Valiant using magic?
Arthur: No. But my servant fought one of the snakes from...
Uther: Your servant? You made these outrageous accusations against a knight the word of your servant?
Arthur: I believe he's telling the truth!
Valiant: My Lord, am I really to be judged on some hearsay from a boy?
Merlin: I've seen those snakes come alive!
Uther: How dare you interrupt?! Guards! Guards begin taking Merlin away.
Valiant: My Lord.
Uther: Wait!
Valiant: I'm sure he was merely mistaken. I wouldn't want him punished on my account.
Uther: You see? This is how a true knight behaves - with gallantry and honour.
Valiant: My Lord, if your son made these accusations because he's afraid to fight me, then I will graciously accept his withdrawal.
Uther: Is this true? Do you wish to withdraw from the tournament?
Arthur: No!
Uther: Then what am I to make of these allegations?
Arthur: Obviously there has been a misunderstanding. I withdraw the allegation against Knight Valiant. Please accept my apology.
Valiant: Accepted.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Arthur's chambers Arthur mopes.
Arthur: I believed you; I trusted you, and you made me look a complete fool.
Merlin: I know it didn't go exactly to plan.
Arthur: "Didn't go to plan"?! My father and the entire royal court think I'm a coward! YOU HUMILIATED ME!
Merlin: We can still expose Valiant.
Arthur: I no longer require your services.
Merlin: You're sacking me?
Arthur: I need a servant I can trust.
Merlin: You can trust me!
Arthur: And look where it got me this time. Get out of my sight! Castle - Dragon's cave
Merlin: Where are you? I just came to tell you: whatever you think my destiny, whatever it is you think I'm supposed to do, you've got the wrong person! That's it. Goodbye.
Kilgharrah: If only it were so easy to escape one's destiny.
Merlin: How can it be my destiny to protect someone who hates me?
Kilgharrah: A half cannot truly hate that which makes it whole. Very soon you shall learn that.
Merlin: Oh, great. Just what I needed, another riddle.
Kilgharrah: That your and Arthur's path lies together is but the truth.
Merlin: What is that supposed to mean?
Kilgharrah: You know, young warlock, this is not the end. It is the beginning.
Merlin: Just give me a straight answer! Castle square Merlin sits on the steps. Gwen approaches.
Gwen: Hello, Merlin.
Merlin: All right? Gwen sits next to him.
Gwen: Is it true what you said about Valiant using magic? Merlin nods.
Gwen: What are you going to do?
Merlin: Why does everyone seem to think it's down to me to do something about it?
Gwen: Because it is! Isn't it? You have to show everyone that you were right and they were wrong.
Merlin: And how do I do that?
Gwen: I don't know. Merlin catches sight of a dog statue.
Merlin: That's it.
Gwen: Where are you going?
Merlin: Do you have a wheelbarrow? Gaius's chambers Merlin wheels in the dog statue.
Gaius: What are you doing with that?
Merlin: I'm going to let everyone see the snakes for themselves. Merlin puts the statue in his chamber and pulls the magic book out from under a floor board.
Merlin: Bebay odothay. Bebay odothay arisan quickum. Merlin tries out the spell.
Merlin: Bebay odothay arisan quickum. Bebay odothay arisan quickum. Morgana's chambers Morgana has a nightmare about Arthur fighting Valiant and jerks awake.
Morgana (whisper): Arthur! Morgana gets up and goes to the window to watch Arthur practicing in the Square below. Merlin's chamber Merlin tries the spell over and over but nothing happens. Arthur's chambers Merlin enters Arthur's open chambers.
Arthur: I thought I told you to get out of my sight.
Merlin: Don't fight Valiant in the tournament tomorrow. He'll use the shield against you.
Arthur: I know.
Merlin: Then withdraw. You have to withdraw.
Arthur: Don't you understand? I can't withdraw. The people expect their prince to fight. How can I lead men into battle if they think I'm a coward?
Merlin: Valiant will kill you. If you fight, you die.
Arthur: Then I die.
Merlin: How can you go out there and fight like that?
Arthur: Because I have to. It's my duty. Merlin's chamber Merlin wakes early the next morning with the spell book in his lap, and speaks drowsily.
Merlin: Bebay odothay...arisan quickum. Tournament grounds Valiant sharpens his sword near the tournament grounds. Arthur stands in the arena and looks around. Arthur's chamber Arthur's old serving boy, Morris, helps him with his armour. Morgana enters, Morris bows and exits. Morgana puts her hands on Arthur's back and he begins to turn around.
Morgana: Let me. Morgana fixes the strap for the gorget and tightens the vambrace.
Morgana: I used to help my father with his armour. Morgana hands Arthur his helmet.
Arthur: Thanks. Arthur turns to leave.
Morgana: Arthur, be careful. Arthur nods.
Arthur: See you at the feast. Tournament grounds Arthur enters the arena. Arthur and Valiant put on their helmets prepare to fight. Merlin's chamber Merlin mumbles the spell with his eyes close.
Merlin: Bebay odothay arisan quickum. There's a growl, but Merlin keeps repeating the spell.
Merlin: Bebay odothay arisan quickum. The Rottweiler barks.
Merlin: I did it! The dog starts lunging at Merlin; he rushes out of the room and shuts the door. Gaius enters.
Gaius: Arthur's fighting Valiant!
Merlin: I know. I'm on my way. Oh, whatever you do, don't go into my room. We'll deal with it later. Gaius peeks into Merlin's Chamber and the Rottweiler barks at him. Tournament grounds Arthur fights Valiant. Arthur knocks Valiant's helmet off. Arthur removes his helmet and they both pull down their mail coifs. Valiant knocks Arthur to the ground and steps on his shield. Valiant disarms Arthur, but Arthur catches him before he can strike. Valiant pins Arthur against a wall, but Arthur shoves him off and Merlin takes the opportunity.
Merlin: Bebay odothay arisan quickum. The snakes come out of the shield. The crowd stands up in surprise.
Valiant: What are you doing? I didn't summon you!
Uther: He is using magic.
Arthur: And now they see you for what you really are. Valiant chuckles darkly and sends the snakes to the ground.
Valiant: Kill him! Arthur backs up toward the stands and Morgana grabs a sword from the knight sitting next to her and throws it to Arthur.
Morgana: Arthur! Arthur catches it, swings at Valiant and then kills the snakes. Arthur disarms Valiant and runs him through.
Arthur: It looks like I'll be going to the feast after all. Valiant drops and crowd cheers. Arthur slaps Merlin's shoulder on his way out of the tournament grounds. Castle - Banquet Hall Courtiers mingle. Uther spots Arthur entering.
Uther: My honourable guests, I give you Prince Arthur, your champion. The court applauds and Arthur offers Morgana his arm.
Arthur: My Lady. Morgana curtsies.
Morgana: My champion.
Merlin: See, I told you he gets all the girls and the glory.
Gaius: And he owes it all to you.
Morgana: Has your father apologised yet for not believing you.
Arthur: He'll never apologise. I hope, uh, you're not disappointed Valiant's not escorting you.
Morgana: Turns out he wasn't really champion material.
Arthur: That was some tournament final.
Morgana: Tell me about it. It's not every day a girl gets to save her prince.
Arthur: Uh, I wouldn't say I needed exactly saving. I'm sure I would've thought of something.
Morgana: So you're too proud to admit you were saved by a girl.
Arthur: Because I wasn't.
Morgana: You know what? I wish Valiant was escorting me.
Arthur: Me too. Then I wouldn't have to listen to you.
Morgana: Fine!
Arthur: Fine. Morgana storms off to talk to Gwen. Arthur turns to Merlin.
Arthur: Can you believe Morgana? She says she saved me. Like I needed any help. I wanted to say I made a mistake. It was unfair to sack you.
Merlin: No, don't worry about it. Buy me a drink and call it even.
Arthur: Uh, I can't be seen to be buying drinks for my servant.
Merlin: Your servant? You sacked me.
Arthur: Now I'm rehiring you. Merlin snorts.
Arthur: My chambers are a complete mess. My clothes need washing. My, uh, armour needs repairing. My boots need cleaning. My dogs need exercising. My fireplace needs sweeping. My bed needs changing. And someone needs to muck out my stables. | Plan: A: Uther; Q: Who holds an annual tournament for the knights? A: Arthur; Q: Who is the defending champion of the knights tournament? A: a shield; Q: What is Sir Valiant's secret weapon? A: the poisonous serpents; Q: What can come to life and attack Sir Valiant? A: cheating; Q: What does Arthur accuse Valiant of? A: the only 'worthy' witness; Q: Who died? A: a servant's word; Q: What is useless against a knight? A: enigmatic encouragement; Q: What does the Great Dragon give Merlin to keep him from giving up? A: Gaius; Q: Who gave Merlin a magic book? Summary: Uther holds an annual tournament for the knights, in which Arthur is the defending champion. Sir Valiant has a magic secret weapon: a shield from which the poisonous serpents can come to life and attack. Merlin finds out and tells Arthur. Arthur accuses Valiant of cheating, but the only 'worthy' witness has died and a servant's word is useless against a knight. Arthur is furious to be humiliated and fires Merlin. He prepares for his own match with Valiant, expecting to die. After enigmatic encouragement from the Great Dragon, Merlin decides against giving up and resorts to a magic book Gaius gave him. |
Narrator: America's top ghost hunters relive their most extreme assignments.
(Woman screams)
This house is beyond haunted.
Narrator: Hardened veterans of the paranormal, these are the cases that truly tested them. There was an evil presence in that house.
Woman: Oh, (bleep) what the hell?
Man: Dude, I got goose bumps. It's in here.
Narrator: In Arizona, a friendly spirit of a little girl turns out to be something much more threatening. Demonic activity's different. It's sneaky.
Marie: I felt like somebody was putting 100 pounds of weights on my chest.
Narrator: In a former Ohio rectory, a group of ghost hunters become the victims of a disturbing haunting.
Bielski: There was some very negative energy at the location. I started to feel this sense of dread.
Narrator: And in Texas, things get personal when a sinister entity terrorizes and attacks an investigator's sister and mother. The psychic told me, "that picture is evil."
Narrator: In a quiet suburb of phoenix, Arizona, Rachel and Matthew Campbell and their three daughters have a rather unusual house guest. Ever since moving in, the family regularly saw an apparition of a young girl wearing old-fashioned clothes running through their home. Aside from the occasional slammed door, the playful ghost causes no harm, and the family get used to having her around.
(Child laughing)
But one day, the activity takes a darker turn. One of the daughters started to draw these images of these demonic eyes and demonic beings that she was actually seeing herself inside of her closet. They were dark. I mean, they were very sinister.
Marie: She would draw pictures of them, and then she'd post them all over her wall. The mother was terrified something bad was going to happen to her children.
Narrator: The little girl ghost vanishes, and the family is terrorized by a new entity.
Marie: What the family was experiencing was dark shadows. Like, this dark figure with long fingers.
(Screaming)
Narrator: The encounters leave the family fearing for their lives.
The mother was terrified. The mother was just out of her mind. And that's how they got in contact with us.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Narrator: Husband/wife team jay and Marie Yates have been investigating hauntings for the last 17 years.
What is it like to investigate with your wife? It's a dream come true to be able to have somebody that truly understands and believes what it is that you're going through.
[SCENE_BREAK]
My husband and I, throughout all these cases, I do believe it makes us stronger.
Narrator: Jay and Marie arrive with their team to start the investigation in the most active area. The worst of the worst was happening to them in the basement. The plan is to document some of the claims that they're having. And we were gonna start a voice session, like trying to get some live voice recordings in there. And we did get EVPS, and we did get positive responses from our meters and whatnot. Can you make it light up if you're still here with us? This device right here. Which would have suggested that it was definitely something going on, which I would have deemed right there that it was haunted. There's no question.
Narrator: While jay is occupied by the EVP, Marie is overcome by a strange feeling. It felt like somebody was putting 100 pounds of weights on my chest, walking through the basement. We looked for Marie. Marie was gone.
(Demonic growling)
She just randomly just walked out of the room. Like, as if something was calling her.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Marie: There is a secret little door, and the client had some weird little objects in there, like a wiccan thing.
That door there.
Narrator: Jay spots Marie in the tiny room, but she's not herself.
Jay: Marie is just standing in the corner, and she's just standing. And it's likely she was under the influence of something very powerful. Something had control over her at that moment, for whatever reason.
Narrator: Fearing Marie has been possessed, jay immediately recites a prayer of protection.
Jay: She's protected by the blood of Christ. There is not one thing you can do to harm her or touch her. In the name of the most high god, the lord Jesus Christ. That's a name you may not know too well.
Marie: I remember my husband shaking me, saying, "are you awake?" And I was getting mad at him, like, "get off me! Why are you touching me? nothing's wrong with me." I actually was thinking they were messing with me. She didn't remember anything from the point of us descending into the basement.
Narrator: Jay suspects someone in the house is dabbling in the occult. Sure enough, the teenage daughters make an alarming confession -- That they had been using a spirit board to speak to the little girl ghost. They became very obsessed with the communication amongst what they thought was this little girl.
Narrator: The girls thought they were talking to an innocent spirit, but jay believes its true identity has always been a much more dangerous, demonic entity.
(Pounding on door)
(Both scream)
[SCENE_BREAK]
Jay: Demonic activity's different. It's sneaky.
It might come across as a little girl in the beginning because it's non-threatening. Then it starts to lure you in. And then that's when things start to change.
Narrator: Fearing what the demon might do next and with Marie still shaken by her experience in the basement, jay moves to cleanse the house immediately. We used frankincense oils to seal doorways. Obviously, religious prayers. Holy water was used. By the power of god, thrust it to hell.
Jay: The house seemed calm. It seemed very peaceful. No problems. I was like, "okay. I don't know what happened, but if that's all it took, that's great."
[SCENE_BREAK]
Narrator: There's one more thing left to do for the cleansing to be a total success.
[SCENE_BREAK]
You know, I clearly suggested that the best thing to do would be to bury this board. We did warn them that playing with that again could actually bring whatever it is even worse into their home.
Narrator: Believing their job done, jay and Marie head home, where they are greeted with a disturbing scene. We have a birdcage, and everything in the birdcage is flipped upside down. There's birdseed on the floor where you can tell that it was dumped everywhere. The birds are scared to death.
Narrator: Whatever force upturned the birdcage is about to turn its fury towards them. Jay. What? Marie started complaining of not feeling well. It was a headache. She was complaining of a headache. It felt like every second, I kept getting sicker and sicker. I mean, it was almost like I felt like I was going on my deathbed. Marie? I couldn't move. My body was aching.
Narrator: Overwhelmed, Marie loses consciousness. Marie? Marie? Jay tries desperately to revive his wife. But when he does, he's in for another shock. I hear what sounds like an electronic male's voice. Aaah! Like, just talking, but I can't really understand the language that it's really speaking. It wasn't human, I can tell you that.
(Demonic voices)
Immediately, I start reading this prayer, you know, to help remove and then banish whatever this is inside my house. Our father who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name, thy kingdom come, thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread... And finally, I'm like, "in the name of Jesus Christ," I scream, "get out of my house!"
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Demonic voices)
Narrator: Marie rises, but something evil has taken her over.
Jay: And she gets right in my face.
And she's showing her teeth and she's growling at me and she's talking to me like a man. It's like a man's voice. It's not even my wife's voice I'm hearing. I'm terrified of my own wife. I feel like she's gonna kill me.
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Shouting indistinctly)
It scared the hell out of me. I really thought, legitimately, I was going to die.
Narrator: In Arizona, investigators Marie and jay Yates have discovered an innocent girl ghost is actually something more terrifying. Now the demon has possessed Marie and turned on jay.
Jay: She's showing her teeth and she's growling at me. I feel like she's gonna kill me.
[SCENE_BREAK]
I really thought, legitimately, I was going to die.
(Screaming)
Narrator: Desperate, jay grabs for something to save him.
I dumped a whole bottle of holy water over the top of her head, not knowing what else to do.
[SCENE_BREAK]
She fell down, just passed out. Marie? Marie?
Marie: That's all I remember, is waking up and there's water poured down on me. What happened?
Jay: She looks up at me, and she's like, "why is there water all over me?" And completely not knowing anything that had happened the entire time.
Marie: I seen it in my husband's eyes, that something bad happened, and he was so scared.
Jay: I knew without a shadow of a doubt she was possessed by the demon that I was dealing with inside of this client's home. What's going on?
Narrator: Knowing the cleanse of the Campbells failed, jay heads back. When he arrives, he quickly discovers why the demon is still active. The spirit board was never destroyed. After what happened to Marie, jay is furious. Didn't I tell you to stop playing this? Didn't I say that?! When you're dealing with true evil demonic activity, it is dangerous. At this point, I feel angry. That board should have been removed. It should have been taken where it was supposed to. The children shouldn't have played with it.
Narrator: Taking matters into his own hands, jay destroys the spirit board once and for all.
Jay: As an investigator, you give these instructions to a client to do the things that they should be doing to reduce the level of activity. And then they don't follow through with those things, and it's like, "okay, you know, my family's suffering because of that."
Narrator: With the spirit board gone, jay believes that the demonic entity has been banished for good. I think they understood that, like, this is not a joke. This isn't a game. Had they not taken control of their situation with this demonic entity, their life would have spiralled out of control.
Narrator: To his relief, jay returns home to find Marie safe and well.
Jay: I was very anxious to get home that day after the investigation. I just wanted to be home with my wife. I believe, you know, looking back at the investigation, what we were dealing with was true evil. Being an investigator, we have to be aware that anything we do can come home. But you never think of the worst until it actually happens. It's definitely solidified the reasons why I do investigate, and it's given me courage and more wisdom to carry on to the next client that's facing the same thing, maybe worse.
(Thunder crashes)
Narrator: Coming up, things get personal for one investigator as he's called in to save his own sister and mother from a violent entity.
Something was wrong. She didn't feel safe with that picture. It was evil.
Narrator: But first, when a paranormal group heads to an Ohio rectory to track down ghosts, the hunters quickly become the hunted.
(Screaming)
Bielski: As soon as I saw the place, I started to feel this sense of dread.
Narrator: On a hill overlooking the Cincinnati neighborhood of Sedamsville stands one of the most haunted buildings in Ohio.
Built in 1891, the Sedamsville rectory has been left abandoned and crumbling for over 20 years, until a preservation society began renovations in 2011. But the restoration seemed to unleash something frightening. The owners and construction workers are terrorized by strange and violent events. There have been many instances where people have experienced screaming coming from inside the house.
(Screaming in distance)
There are also many reports of heavy footsteps on the staircase and footsteps running up and down the hall upstairs. There are very intense things that people experience at Sedamsville rectory... Very physical things, and this can be anything from light scratch marks on your arm to even welts that will appear on your arms or legs.
Narrator: The reports reach one of Chicago's top paranormal investigators. Ursula Bielski has spent 20 years trying to find answers to the paranormal mysteries all around us. What motivates me as a paranormal investigator is the fact that there are these phenomena that are going on all around us all the time, and there is an explanation for them. It may be a supernatural explanation. It may be a natural explanation. But I want to find out what some of those are, desperately.
(Chuckles)
Narrator: Many believe the paranormal activity is linked to a disturbing rumor about the rectory's past.
There are stories about Sedamsville rectory, about how it was used to house many priests who were removed from their duties.
All: ...Thy kingdom come...
Bielski: There were several mediums who said that they felt that there was some very negative energy at the location... Ritual activity that completely predated any building of the rectory on the property.
(Bell tolls)
Narrator: When Ursula is invited to spend a night at the rectory with a team of investigators, she leaps at the chance.
It seemed like one of those places that you're always drawn to, where you feel like, "maybe I will experience some of this, because it seems to be very prolific." So, I was eager to go.
Narrator: But then, Ursula starts to have second thoughts. I started to feel this sense of dread about going, until I felt like something was warning me not to go. As soon as I saw the place, I wanted to go home.
Narrator: Pushing aside her feeling, Ursula decides to continue. But the atmosphere inside the rectory only seems to confirm her fears.
Bielski: It was one of those places where you feel an electricity in the air, like there's a charge. I felt very unsafe. My intuition had been screaming at me for weeks, and now here I was.
Narrator: An old rectory in Ohio rumored to have a dark history is being plagued by frightening paranormal activity. As soon as investigator Ursula Bielski enters the building, she's struck by a terrible feeling.
Bielski: You feel an electricity in the air. I felt very unsafe. As soon as I saw the place, I wanted to go home.
Narrator: Before the investigation can begin, the team sets up equipment all over the house. There was a team that had set up DVRS, and there were cameras all over the house throughout the evening. We're getting ready to do the overnight lockdown. We just got through setting up all our cams.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Narrator: Ursula heads upstairs with some colleagues to see if they can make contact with entities present in an EVP, or electronic voice phenomenon, session.
Bielski: If anybody's here and you'd like to talk, I'm here and I've got a recorder.
Man: Ursula, you back there? I'm here. Where are you, Ursula? I'm standing right here. Okay. We were asking questions like, "who is with us? Did you live here in the rectory? Are you a priest? Did something bad happen here?" It feels really heavy in here. Is anybody here? We heard what sounded like four footsteps that came towards us from the hallway beyond the door that was closed. So I got up and opened the door, and there was no one on the second floor at all, nowhere where anyone had gone or could have gone. Now, it looks like there is a darker shadow outside the room. It's right over the stairs. So, that was the first experience. But we were in the room for probably another good half an hour recording and got absolutely nothing on recordings at all.
Narrator: Convinced the presence has moved, the investigators decide to take a break before heading onto another room. The base camp was set up in the kitchen, and we were all taking a break. And there were numerous people in groups that were smokers. I'm going out for a smoke. You guys coming? And they were out on the porch at the side of the house.
Narrator: But the entities in the house aren't going to let the investigators rest.
Woman: No, don't shoot!
(Gunshots)
Bielski: They all heard a woman screaming, "no, don't shoot,"
And then the sound of a gunshot. All of the investigators came running inside the house and slammed the door and locked it behind them. Did you guys hear that?
Woman: It sounds like screaming. Somebody is screaming and screaming out there.
Narrator: But things are only just beginning. We heard someone rattling the doorknob in the kitchen, trying to push the door open.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Narrator: When the rattling stops, two investigators summon the courage to open the door.
The two investigators opened up the kitchen door in time to see what they described as this shadowy figure that disappeared over this ridge behind the house.
Narrator: Their first thought was that it might be a human intruder.
Bielski: They went out where this figure had disappeared and found that there was a 25-foot drop.
[SCENE_BREAK]
There was absolutely nowhere any person could have gone. It so rarely happens that two people experience anything at the same time. This was an evening where seven, eight people heard...
(Gunshots)
...The same thing at one time, and then two people saw the same thing at the same time. Unheard of. Absolutely unheard of.
Narrator: The investigators make sure that the gunshots and screaming they'd experienced weren't human criminal activity. Three of us contacted the Cincinnati police department to ask if there had been any shots fired in the neighborhood. Nothing. No shots fired. Actually, an exceptionally quiet night, as they said.
[SCENE_BREAK]
We were all very shaken up. But there was really nothing else we could do but just continue with doing as planned. So, we went on with the program.
Narrator: Fearing for their safety, the investigators decide to stick together and perform a séance.
Bielski: We had a very powerful medium with us, my friend David. And he was there for the séance. And he got up several times during the séance to walk towards the stairs because he kept hearing footsteps that went up to the second floor.
(Footsteps)
Narrator: Then, the activity begins to intensify.
(Sobbing)
We began to hear a woman crying outside.
(Sobbing continues)
And this was, again, something that at least four, five of us all heard at the same time. Looking out the windows, there was no one that could be seen. During the séance, there was a young man with us, and he was very sceptical. He talked about his arm getting -- That it was getting hot. And the heat kept increasing. He was getting increasingly uncomfortable. One of the investigators had a thermal camera with him. You could see the temperature of his arm getting hotter and hotter by the minute as the séance was going on.
Narrator: Then, the entity attacks.
(Screaming)
Narrator: In a haunted rectory in Ohio, an unseen presence has investigators terrified, and when they conduct a séance to contact the spirit, the entity attacks.
Bielski: He had a welt across, all the way up to the bend in his arm, where he had felt this heat.
(Screaming)
And he was terrified.
(Screaming continues)
When I see something like that, I immediately think that it is not a human entity.
(Indistinct shouting)
(Screaming continues)
Bielski: There's some malevolent force --
Demonic, evil spirits, negative energy -- Whatever you choose to call it. It's harmful, and it's malicious. I'm, at this point, desperate to go home. No. We got to go. We got to go. I'm really scared. I just want to go home.
(Indistinct shouting)
Narrator: Fearing further attacks, the team decides to end the investigation and evacuate the building.
I've never been so happy to be home in my life. When we spoke to the owners, after we had all gone home and settled down and thought things over, we found out that other investigators had experienced the same sequence of events.
Narrator: The investigation has a profound effect on Ursula.
Bielski: I had some very serious moments where I honestly considered giving it all up and just not doing it anymore. And it was a long time before I did an investigation again. And it really changed a lot about how I research the paranormal.
Narrator: For Ursula, one thing is certain. I would never set foot in Sedamsville rectory again.
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Electronic warbling)
Narrator: An assignment becomes personal when an investigator is called in to save his own sister and mother from a mysterious and violent entity.
The psychic told me, "that picture is evil."
Narrator: In the small town of San Benito, Texas, 26-year-old corona Acosta is putting down her roots.
Corina: I had a brand-new job as a nurse, and I had just purchased the house. I was a few months pregnant, and everything was going good for me. Everything was falling into place. It was just a dream come true. At this time, I was living alone because me and my boyfriend had a bad breakup.
Narrator: One night, soon after moving in, Corina's dream home starts to give her nightmares. I was sitting down on the bed, and I was watching TV.
Narrator: Corina gets the troubling feeling that she's not alone.
Corina: And I could feel, like, somebody staring at me. Through the corner of my eye, I could see somebody standing in the doorway. It was a slender, tall figure, like a dark silhouette. When I turned to look at the figure, it was gone.
Narrator: But the entity soon returns, and with alarming regularity. After my daughter was born, I would feel him maybe once or twice a week.
[SCENE_BREAK]
And I would feel the heavy footsteps on the hallway. And it felt like it was a man with heavy boots on. And I would yell out, "hey, is anybody out there?" Anybody out there? anybody out there?" Not a peep.
Narrator: Concerned about the escalation in activity, Corina calls the one person she knows can help -- Her brother and paranormal investigator George Acosta. She had stated to me that there was shadows there. I don't know if it was there to protect her or to haunt her, but she didn't feel safe.
Narrator: A former minister, George has been hunting ghosts and banishing evil spirits for over 15 years. I think it's the challenge. What does this new case bring? Is it more intense, is it less intense? So, every case is unique and different.
Narrator: Even by George's standards, this case is unusual. It's the first time he's been called in by a member of his own family. You need a lot of guts in this type of field because if you're afraid, they're gonna feed on your fear and they're gonna knock you down.
Narrator: George arrives at Corina's house to begin his investigation. His attention is immediately drawn to a picture hanging on the nursery wall.
Corina: The portrait was of a little girl. I thought it was so neat because you saw the eyes of the little girl, and it was, like, alive. The eyes would move with you. Something was wrong with that picture. It was evil. The eyes would follow you. Every direction I tried it -- left, right -- And that was so weird. It freaked me out.
Narrator: George suspects that the entity stalking Corina has attached itself to the portrait.
Corina: George told me that I had to get rid of the portrait of the little girl. No, no.
Narrator: But Corina refuses. With his hands tied, George can only bless the house and hope the activity calms down.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Corina: I remember telling them, "don't be playing with that thing because bad things can happen."
And they were just laughing, giggling.
Narrator: What starts as a game turns into something more sinister.
Corina: The spirit board just moved by itself. And then it was like, it dawned on me, "okay, something's wrong." That was scary.
Narrator: When a shadowy entity plagues his own sister, paranormal investigator George Acosta thinks he has solved the problem. But the activity takes a turn for the worse when his nieces bring a spirit board into her house.
Corina: The spirit board just moved by itself. That was kind of scary.
Narrator: Terrified, Corina calls George to the house. Anytime that you're consulting a spiritual board, if you don't know how to say no, then it entraps you. Hey! what do you think you're doing? This is not game! this is evil! George told me that, "you opened a portal. You opened a door to evil." And that's exactly what happened. This game is not staying in this house! Do you understand what I'm saying? But when she gets rid of the board, things get worse. I think the spirit got mad, upset, and more chaos started happening in the home. That's when all hell broke loose. One afternoon, my mom said, "let me help you out with the baby." She was always singing, laughing, and it was very rare that the house would be quiet whenever she was around.
Narrator: Corina takes the chance to catch up with some chores. But after an hour or so, the house goes eerily silent.
(Heartbeat)
And all of a sudden, it was -- it just dawned on me -- It was just quiet. That's very unusual.
Narrator: When Corina goes to check, what she finds is horrifying. Mom?!
[SCENE_BREAK]
Corina: I go in there to check up on her, and my mom is laying stiff as a rock and she's staring up to the ceiling.
And it was like, "mom, are you okay?" And she wouldn't answer me. Mom, wake up! What's going on? And then, she just let out a big breath, like (gasps) A gasp of air.
(Gasps)
She told me, "grab the baby, grab the baby." We got to get out of here.
Narrator: When she recovers, Corina's mother explains what happened.
Corina: My mother told me that she felt like someone or something was on top of her. She felt that it was trying to violate her. She told me, "there's something that's evil in the house. Don't ever leave the baby alone in this room."
Narrator: Scared of more attacks, Corina and her mother decide to leave the house. Terrified, Corina begs George for help. He brings along a medium to help cleanse the house.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Corina: She started burning the sage...
And George was doing his prayers, also, with holy water.
(Speaking indistinctly)
I was given a bible, and they told me... "You keep on praying until we tell you to stop." And that's what I did.
Narrator: George focuses the cleanse on the portrait of the child. The psychic told me, "that is evil. That picture needs to go."
Corina: I heard things breaking. Things were just flying back and forth. I was very frightened at that point.
(Screams)
Narrator: They decide to get rid of the picture once and for all.
George: We put it in a pan... And we burned the thing.
As we're burning it, it puffed.
Narrator: At the same time, the medium has a shocking revelation. The entities in Corina's house were summoned as part of a curse placed by her ex-boyfriend's mother. Then she said, "that's why she's been having a lot of problems. The mother-in-law paid a witch to do this spell, this witchcraft." I think she was upset with me when I told him that I was expecting my little girl. And they felt like I was trying to trap this person into a relationship, which wasn't true. But I think that's when everything started.
Narrator: But that's not the end of the cleanse. They must find and destroy the source of the curse.
Narrator: In Texas, paranormal investigator George Acosta is battling to remove the entities plaguing his own sister. With the help of a medium, George had discovered that she is the victim of a malicious curse. Now they must find the source of the hex so it can be broken. As she's walking, she's meditating, and she's asking, "god, guide me. Where is it, lord? where is it?"
Corina: And she had a shovel in her hand, and she says, "here. Right here. You need to dig."
George: Yes, I was afraid, 'cause now we're gonna go dig up something. I mean, what am I expecting? A ghoul or a monster or...? She starts digging, and puts dirt inside the trash bag. And she's telling me, "don't look." She tells me, "close it." And that whatever's in there, it's jumping, it's shivering, it's shaking. It doesn't want to be sealed.
Corina: And you could hear it screeching. What the hell is going on? I'm freaking out. I said, "what is in here?" I was terrified.
Narrator: The medium has a plan to break the curse. "We need to go and send it back to where it belongs. She paid for it, she needs to get it back. Get your car and drive me over there." So, as I'm driving, that thing is moving, shaking, shivering. It's mad at me because we have it tied up.
(Shrieking)
So, as we're cruising by the house, she tells me, "throw it in the street." And, that's when I saw what it was. It was a black little creature, and it was crawling from the street. And it went under the house -- It got embedded under the house.
[SCENE_BREAK]
And she told me, "now your sister's home is clean and sealed." We went back to my sister's home, and everything was peace and harmony in the house. Like it was a new day, a new home.
Narrator: The experience is one that neither Corina nor George will ever forget. It was just heartbreaking for me. I didn't realize that some people were out there to get us, you know? Evil people. I think that was the beginning of George's dedication to what he does now -- Helping people with the same problem I had.
George: What I learned is not to be afraid anymore. You combat goodness towards evil, and it will break evil. | Plan: A: an investigation; Q: What is Ursula doing in the cemetery? A: a Chicago cemetery; Q: Where does Ursula have the most terrifying time of her life? A: Ursula; Q: Who endures the most terrifying time of her life? A: George; Q: Who is asked to remove a spirit that's attacking a young boy? Summary: During an investigation of a Chicago cemetery, Ursula endures the most terrifying time of her life; George is asked to remove a spirit that's attacking a young boy. |
INT. PLANET, TUNNELS, NIGHT
An OLDER WOMAN is leading a YOUNG WOMAN through the tunnels. The OLDER WOMAN'S clothes are cobbled together and the YOUNG WOMAN is wearing a worn Victorian gown. The tunnels are lit by a sickly green glow and are cluttered with flotsam and jetsam. They arrive in a large cavern where a MAN is waiting.
YOUNG WOMAN: Will it be me, Uncle?
UNCLE: Yes, it's going to be you. I only wish I could go in your place, Idris. Nah, I don't, cos it's really going to hurt.
An OOD with green eyes grips IDRIS' arm.
IDRIS: It's starting.
The OOD helps IDRIS up two steps to a small platform. Underneath the grate glows green.
IDRIS: What will happen?
OLDER WOMAN: Oh. Um, er, Nephew will drain your mind and your soul from your body and leave your body empty.
The OOD places a hand on either side of her head.
IDRIS: I'm scared!
Smoke begins to rise from the grate and IDRIS gasps for breath, falling to her knees.
OLDER WOMAN: I expect so, dear. But soon you'll have a new soul. There'll be a Time Lord coming!
INT. TARDIS, CONSOLE ROOM
The DOCTOR is regaling RORY with an adventure.
DOCTOR: Then we discovered it wasn't the robot king after all, it was the real one. Fortunately, I was able to re-attach the head.
RORY looks to AMY as she comes down the stairs.
RORY: Do you believe any of this stuff?
AMY: I was there.
DOCTOR: Oh, it's the warning lights. I'm getting rid of those, they never stop! (slaps the console)
RORY catches up with AMY as she heads down another set of stairs.
RORY: Hey. You're still thinking about it, aren't you?
AMY: (whispers)Shhh! We saw him die!
RORY: (whispers) Yeah, 200 years in the future.
AMY: (whispers) Yes, but it's still going to happen.
There's a knocking on the TARDIS door. The DOCTOR whirls around. AMY and RORY join him by the console.
AMY: What was that?
DOCTOR: The door. It knocked. (walks slowly towards the door)
RORY: Right. We are in deep space.
DOCTOR: Very, very deep.
The knocking sounds again.
DOCTOR: And somebody's knocking.
The DOCTOR slowly opens the door and smiles. A small box is floating there. It is lit from the inside.
DOCTOR: Oh, come here. Come here, you scrumptious little beauty!
The DOCTOR reaches out a hand but the box whizzes by and into the TARDIS. It then zooms back and hits him in the chest. He holds it between his hands.
RORY: A box?!
AMY: Doctor, what is it?
DOCTOR: I've got mail! (walks back to the console) Time Lord emergency messaging system. In an emergency, we'd wrap up thoughts in psychic containers and send them through time and space. Anyway, there's a Time Lord out there, and it's one of the good ones!
RORY: You said there were no other Time Lords left.
DOCTOR: There are no Time Lords left in the universe, but the universe isn't where we're going! (throws the box to AMY) See that snake? The mark of the Corsair. Fantastic bloke. He had that snake as a tattoo in every regeneration. Didn't feel like himself without the tattoo. Or herself, a couple of times. Ooh, she was a bad girl!
The TARDIS sparks and shakes. They hold onto the console.
RORY: What's happening?!
DOCTOR: We're leaving the universe!
AMY: How can you leave the universe?
DOCTOR: With enormous difficulty! Right now I'm burning up TARDIS rooms to give us some welly. Goodbye, swimming pool, goodbye scullery, sayonara, squash court seven!
SPACE
The TARDIS leaves the universe and heads for the source of the message: a small planet with a slightly green glow.
INT. TARDIS, CONSOLE ROOM
The TARDIS stops with a jolt.
AMY: OK. OK. Where are we?
DOCTOR: Outside the universe, where we've never, ever been.
The power winds down and the lights dim.
RORY: Is that meant to be happening?
DOCTOR: It's the power. It's draining. (tries the controls) Everything's draining! But it can't. That's... That's impossible.
RORY: What is that?
DOCTOR: It's as if the matrix, the soul of the TARDIS, has just vanished. Where would it go?
INT. PLANET, TUNNELS, NIGHT
IDRIS sits up with a gasp. She also makes the sound of the TARDIS materializing. Artron energy escapes from her open mouth. UNCLE and AUNTIE watch as IDRIS raises her hands to see the yellow glow.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Matt Smith Karen Gillan Arthur Darvil
"The Doctor's Wife" by Neil Gaiman
Producer Sanne Wholenberg
Director Richard Clark
[SCENE_BREAK]
EXT. PLANET SURFACE, NIGHT
The DOCTOR opens the door of the TARDIS and steps out followed by AMY and RORY. The surface is cluttered with rusting spaceships of various sizes. They begin to look around.
AMY: So what kind of trouble's your friend in?
DOCTOR: He was in a bind, a bit of a pickle, sort of distressed.
AMY: Aw, you can't just say you don't know.
RORY: But what is this? The scrap yard at the end of the universe?
DOCTOR: Not end of, outside of.
RORY: How we can we be outside the universe? The universe is everything.
The DOCTOR puts an arm around RORY'S shoulders as he tries to explain.
DOCTOR: Imagine a great big soap bubble with one of those tiny little bubbles on the outside.
RORY: OK.
DOCTOR: Well, it's nothing like that. (puts a hand on the TARDIS) Completely drained, look at her.
AMY: So we're in a tiny bubble universe, sticking to the side of the bigger bubble universe?
DOCTOR: Yeah. No. But if it helps, yes. This place is full of rift energy. She'll probably refuel just by being here. Now this place, what do we think, eh? (throws dirt into the air) Gravity's almost earth-normal, air's breathable, but it smells like...
AMY: Armpits.
DOCTOR: Armpits.
RORY: Where did this stuff come from?
DOCTOR: There's a rift. Now and then, stuff gets sucked through it. Not a bubble, a plughole. The universe has a plughole and we've fallen down it.
IDRIS: Thief! Thief! You're my thief! (runs towards the DOCTOR)
UNCLE and AUNTIE walk behind.
AUNTIE: She's dangerous! Guard yourselves!
IDRIS: Look at you! Goodbye! No, not goodbye, what's the other one? (kisses the DOCTOR)
UNCLE: Watch out! Careful, keep back from her!
AUNTIE and UNCLE pull IDRIS away from the DOCTOR.
UNCLE: Welcome, strangers, lovely. Sorry about the mad person.
DOCTOR: Why am I a thief? What have I stolen?
IDRIS: Me. You're going to steal me. No, you have stolen me. You are stealing me. Tenses are difficult, aren't they?
AUNTIE: Oh, we are sorry, my dove. She's off her head. They call me Auntie. (shakes the DOCTOR'S hand)
UNCLE: I'm Uncle. I'm everybody's uncle. Just keep back from this one, she bites!
IDRIS: Do I? Excellent. (bites the DOCTOR'S neck)
DOCTOR: Ow! No, ow, ow!
They pull IDRIS away and the DOCTOR rubs his neck.
IDRIS: Oh, biting's excellent! It's like kissing, only there's a winner!
UNCLE: Sorry. She's doolally.
IDRIS: No, I'm not doolally. I'm... I'm...It's on the tip of my tongue. I've just had a new idea about kissing. Come here, you! (chases after the DOCTOR)
AUNTIE: Idris, no, no!
The DOCTOR stands behind RORY and AMY.
IDRIS: Oh, but now you're angry. No, you're not. You will be angry. The little boxes will make you angry.
DOCTOR: Sorry? The little what? Boxes?
IDRIS: (laughs) Your chin is hilarious! (pinches the DOCTOR'S chin then looks at RORY) It means the smell of dust after rain.
RORY: What does?
IDRIS: Petrichor.
RORY: But I didn't ask.
IDRIS: Not yet. But you will.
AUNTIE: No, Idris, I think you should have a rest.
IDRIS: Yes, yes, good idea! I'll just see if there's an off switch. (faints)
UNCLE: Is that it? She dead now. So sad.
RORY: She's still breathing.
UNCLE: Nephew, take Idris somewhere she can not bite people.
The DOCTOR turns and sees the Ood.
DOCTOR: Oh, hello!
AMY: Doctor, what is that?
DOCTOR: It's all right. It's an Ood! Oods are good, love an Ood. (walks over) Hello, Ood. Can't you talk? Oh, I see, it's damaged. May I? (opens the translator) It might be on the wrong frequency.
AUNTIE: Nephew was broken when he came here. Why, he was half dead. House repaired him. House repaired all of us.
The DOCTOR fixes NEPHEW'S translator and a message comes over it. There are garbled messages in the background.
MAN: If you are receiving this message, please help me. Send a signal to the High Council of the Time Lords on Gallifrey. Help! I'm still alive! I don't know where I am. I'm on some rock-like planet.
NEPHEW switches off the translator.
RORY: What was that? Was that him?
DOCTOR: No, no, it's picking up something else. But that's... That's not possible. That's... Who else is here? Tell me. Show me! Show me!
AUNTIE: Just what you see. It's just the four of us, and the House. Nephew, will you take Idris somewhere safe where she can't hurt nobody?
NEPHEW picks up IDRIS and takes her away.
DOCTOR: The House? What's the House?
AUNTIE: House is all around you, my sweets. You are standing on him.
UNCLE jumps up and down.
AUNTIE: This is the House. This world. Would you like to meet him?
RORY: Meet him?!
DOCTOR: I'd love to.
UNCLE: This way. Come, please. Come.
AUNTIE and UNCLE head back inside.
AMY: What's wrong? What were those voices?
DOCTOR: Time Lords. It's not just the Corsair. Somewhere close by there are lots and lots of... Time Lords.
The DOCTOR walks off after AUNTIE and UNCLE. AMY and RORY follow.
INT. PLANET, TUNNELS, CELL, NIGHT
IDRIS is locked in a cell with NEPHEW standing guard.
IDRIS: I'm... I'm... Big word, sad word. Why is that word so sad? No! Will be sad. Will be sad.
INT. PLANET, CAVERN, NIGHT
AUNTIE and UNCLE lead the way to the cavern where IDRIS lost her soul.
UNCLE: Come. Come, come. You can see the House and he can look at you and he...
The DOCTOR looks through the grate.
DOCTOR: I see. This asteroid is sentient.
AUNTIE: We walk on his back, breathe his air. Eat his food...
AMY: Smell its armpits.
AUNTIE and UNCLE'S mouths move in unison, but the voice isn't theirs.
HOUSE: And do my will. You are most welcome, travellers.
AMY: Doctor... that voice, that's the asteroid talking?
DOCTOR: Yes. So you're like a... sea urchin. Hard outer surface. That's the planet we're walking on. Big, squashy, oogly thing inside. That's you.
HOUSE: That is correct, Time Lord.
DOCTOR: Ah! So you've met Time Lords before?
HOUSE: Many travellers have come through the rift, like Auntie and Uncle and Nephew. I repair them when they break.
DOCTOR: So there are Time Lords here then?
HOUSE: Not any more, but there have been many Tardises on my back in days gone by.
DOCTOR: Well, there won't be any more after us. Last Time Lord. Last TARDIS.
HOUSE: A pity. Your people were so kind. Be here in safety, Doctor. Rest, feed, if you will.
AUNTIE and UNCLE are freed from HOUSE'S control.
RORY: We're not actually going to stay here, are we?
DOCTOR: It seems like a friendly planet. Literally. Mind if we poke around a bit?
AUNTIE: You can look all you want. Go, look. House loves you.
AUNTIE cups AMY'S face with both hands. Her left is definitely not that of a woman. The DOCTOR doesn't say anything.
DOCTOR: Come on then, gang. We're just going to, erm... see the sights.
The three of them leave.
INT. PLANET, TUNNELS, CELL, NIGHT
IDRIS is speaking gibberish.
IDRIS: Oh! What was that? Do fish have fingers? Like a nine year old trying to rebuild a motorbike. What am I saying? Why am I saying that? Thief! Where's my thief? (shouts) Thief! Thief!
INT. PLANET, TUNNELS, NIGHT
The DOCTOR is walking ahead of AMY and RORY and hears IDRIS.
DOCTOR: Shh, shh.
RORY: So as soon as the TARDIS is refuelled, we go, yeah?
DOCTOR: No. There are Time Lords here. I heard them and they need me.
AMY: You told me about your people and you told me what you did.
DOCTOR: Yes, but if they're like the Corsair, they're good, I can save them!
AMY: Then tell them you destroyed the others?!
DOCTOR: I can explain. Tell them why I had to.
AMY: You want to be forgiven.
DOCTOR: Don't we all?
AMY: (nods) What do you need from me?
DOCTOR: My screwdriver. I left it in the TARDIS. It's in my jacket.
RORY: You're wearing your jacket.
DOCTOR: My other one.
RORY: You have two of those?
AMY: I'll get it, but, Doctor, listen to me. Don't get emotional because that's when you make mistakes.
DOCTOR: Yes, boss.
AMY: I'll call you from the TARDIS. (tosses her phone to the DOCTOR) Rory, look after him. (leaves)
DOCTOR: Rory, look after her.
RORY: Yeah. (Heads after AMY)
The DOCTOR continues on.
EXT. PLANET SURFACE, NIGHT
AMY strides towards the TARDIS, RORY following.
AMY: I told you to look after him.
RORY: He'll be fine. He's a Time Lord.
AMY: It's what they're called. It doesn't mean he actually knows what he's doing.
The two enter the TARDIS and a cloud of green energy begins to swirl around the base, working its way up.
INT. TARDIS, CONSOLE ROOM
AMY dials from the TARDIS phone.
INT. PLANET, TUNNELS, NIGHT
The mobile rings and the DOCTOR answers.
INT. TARDIS, CONSOLE ROOM
AMY: We're here. Screwdriver's in your jacket, yeah?
INT. PLANET, TUNNELS, NIGHT
DOCTOR: (takes screwdriver from his pocket) Yeah, it's around somewhere. Have a good look.
The DOCTOR activates the screwdriver, locking the doors of the TARDIS.
INT. TARDIS, CONSOLE ROOM
AMY hangs up the phone.
AMY: Did you do that?
RORY: I didn't do anything. Right. Jacket.
INT. PLANET, TUNNELS, NIGHT
DOCTOR: Come on! Where are you? Now where are you all? Where are you?
The DOCTOR closes his eyes, sensing the other Time Lords. He opens them and pushes back a curtain, revealing a small alcove.
DOCTOR: Well, they can't all be in here.
The DOCTOR hears murmuring voices and turns around. A cabinet is set into the wall. He opens the door to see it filled with the glowing boxes. The voices are louder. They are all cries for help. AUNTIE and UNCLE come up behind him.
DOCTOR: Just admiring your Time Lord distress signal collection. Nice job. Brilliant job. Really thought I had some friends here... but this is what the Ood translator picked up. Cries for help from the long dead. (faces them) How many Time Lords have you lured here, the way you lured me? And what happened to them all?
AUNTIE: House, House is kind and he is wise.
DOCTOR: (angry) House repairs you when you break. Yes, I know. But how does he mend you? (scans UNCLE) You have the eyes of a 20 year old.
UNCLE: Thank you.
DOCTOR: I mean it literally. Your eyes are 30 years younger than you are. (rips off UNCLE'S hat) Your ears don't match, your right arm is two inches longer than your left, and how's your dancing, 'cause you've got two left feet. Patchwork people. You've been repaired and patched up so often, I doubt there's anything left of what used to be you. (puts sonic away and slaps AUNTIE'S hand) I had an umbrella like you once.
AUNTIE: Oh, now, it's been a great arm for me, this.
DOCTOR: (sees the tattoo) Corsair.
AUNTIE: He was a strapping big bloke, wasn't he, Uncle? Big fella. I got the arm and then Uncle got the spine and the kidneys.
DOCTOR: Kidneys. You gave me hope, and then you took it away. That's enough to make anyone dangerous. God knows what it will do to me! Basically... run!
AUNTIE runs off as UNCLE backs away.
UNCLE: Poor old Time Lord. Too late. House is too clever. (leaves)
The phone rings and DOCTOR answers it.
CONTINUED, INTERCUT WITH -
- CUT TO:
INT. TARDIS, CONSOLE ROOM
AMY: What? We're not good enough for your smart new friend?
DOCTOR: "The boxes will make you angry." How could she know?
AMY: Doctor, what are you talking about?
DOCTOR: Stay put. Stay exactly where you are.
AMY: We don't have much... choice.
INT. PLANET, TUNNELS, CELL, NIGHT
The DOCTOR finds IDRIS.
DOCTOR: How did you know about the boxes? You said they'd make me angry. How did you know?
IDRIS: Ah, it's my thief.
DOCTOR: Who are you?
IDRIS: It's about time.
EXT. PLANET SURFACE, NIGHT
The green energy cloud is now up by the windows.
INT. TARDIS, CONSOLE ROOM
AMY: He's not trusting us. And he's being emotional. This is bad, this is very, very bad.
RORY: (sees the green outside) Yeah... I think it probably is.
AMY: (turns) Sometimes I hate being right.
INT. PLANET, TUNNELS, CELL, NIGHT
DOCTOR: Who are you?
IDRIS: Do you not know me? Just because they put me in here?
DOCTOR: They said you were dangerous.
IDRIS: Not the cage, stupid. In here. (puts a hand on either side of her face) They put me in here. I'm the... Oh, what do you call me? We travel. I go...(she makes the sound of the TARDIS)
DOCTOR: The TARDIS?
IDRIS: Time and relative dimension in space. Yes, that's it. Names are funny. It's me! I'm the TARDIS.
DOCTOR: No. You're not! You're a bitey, mad lady. The TARDIS is up and downy stuff in a big blue box.
IDRIS: Yes, that's me. A type 40 TARDIS. I was already a museum piece, when you were young, and the first time you touched my console you said...
DOCTOR: I said you were the most beautiful thing I had ever known.
IDRIS: And then you stole me. And I stole you.
DOCTOR: I borrowed you.
IDRIS: Borrowing implies the eventual intention to return the thing that was taken. What makes you think I would ever give you back?
DOCTOR: You're the TARDIS?
IDRIS: Yes.
DOCTOR: My TARDIS?
IDRIS: My Doctor. Oh! We have now reached the point in the conversation where you open the lock.
The DOCTOR uses the sonic on the lock and IDRIS steps out. She studies the DOCTOR'S face.
IDRIS: Are all people like this?
DOCTOR: Like what?
IDRIS: So much bigger on the inside? I'm... Oh, what is that word? It's so big, so complicated. It's so sad.
DOCTOR: But why? Why pull the living soul from a TARDIS and pop it in a tiny human head? What does it want you for?
IDRIS: It doesn't want me. (sniffs him)
DOCTOR: How do you know? (sniffs jacket)
IDRIS: House eats TARDISes.
DOCTOR: House what? What do you mean?
IDRIS: I don't know. It's something I heard you say.
DOCTOR: When?
IDRIS: In the future.
DOCTOR: House eats Tardises?
IDRIS: There you go. (puts a finger on the DOCTOR'S lips) What are fish fingers?
DOCTOR: (muffled) When do I say that?
IDRIS: Any second.
DOCTOR: Of course! House feeds on rift energy and TARDISes are bursting with it. And not raw. All lovely and cooked, processed food... Mmm, fish fingers.
IDRIS: Do fish have fingers?
DOCTOR: But you can't eat a TARDIS, it would destroy you. Unless, unless...
IDRIS: Unless you deleted the TARDIS matrix first.
DOCTOR: (chuckles) So it deleted you.
IDRIS: But House just can't delete a TARDIS' consciousness, that would blow a hole in the universe. He pulls out the matrix, sticks it in a living receptacle and feeds off the remaining Artron energy. You were about to say all that. I don't suppose you have to now.
DOCTOR: (pulls out the phone) I sent Amy and Rory in there. They'll be eaten. Amy! Amy! Rory, get the hell out of there! (runs through the tunnels)
INT. TARDIS, CONSOLE ROOM
AMY tries the controls as RORY watches the door.
AMY: Doctor, something's wrong.
INT. PLANET, TUNNELS, NIGHT
DOCTOR: It's House. He's after the TARDIS. Just get out, both of you!
INT. TARDIS, CONSOLE ROOM
RORY tries the doors but they won't budge.
AMY: We can't. You locked the door, remember?
EXT. PLANET SURFACE, NIGHT
DOCTOR: But I've unlocked it.
INT. TARDIS, CONSOLE ROOM
AMY: You stupid well haven't!
The Cloister Bell begins to ring, the console room goes dark and a strong wind picks up.
AMY: Doctor, I don't like this.
EXT. PLANET SURFACE, NIGHT
The DOCTOR runs towards the TARDIS, using his sonic to try and unlock the doors. He stops in from of the doors and snaps his fingers.
DOCTOR: Open!
INT. TARDIS, CONSOLE ROOM
AMY: Doctor?
EXT. PLANET SURFACE, NIGHT
DOCTOR: (shouts) Open this door!
INT. TARDIS, CONSOLE ROOM
AMY: Rory, hold my hand.
EXT. PLANET SURFACE, NIGHT
DOCTOR: Amy. Rory!
The DOCTOR pounds on the doors but steps back as the TARDIS dematerializes. He calls AMY.
DOCTOR: Amy? Amy, can you hear me? (shuts off phone) OK. Right. I don't... I really don't know what to do. (smiles) That's a new feeling.
The DOCTOR slaps himself on the cheek and then runs back inside.
SPACE
The TARDIS heads back to the universe.
INT. TARDIS, CONSOLE ROOM
RORY: Listen, whatever happens at least we're together. And we're in the TARDIS, so we're safe.
HOUSE: You're half right. I mean, you are in the TARDIS. What a great adventure. I should have done this half a million years ago. So, Amy, Rory, why shouldn't I just kill you now?
INT. PLANET, CAVERN, NIGHT
The DOCTOR finds IDRIS sitting down. AUNTIE and UNCLE are there as well.
DOCTOR: It's gone!
IDRIS: Eaten?
DOCTOR: No, it left. Not eaten, hi-jacked. But why?
AUNTIE: It's time for us both to go, and keep together.
DOCTOR: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Go? What do you mean go? Where are you going?
AUNTIE: Well, we're dying, my love. It's time for Auntie and Uncle to pop off.
UNCLE: I'm against it.
AUNTIE: It's your fault, isn't it, sweets? Cos you told House it was the last TARDIS. House can't feed on them if there's none more coming, can he?
UNCLE: So now he's off to your universe to find more Tardises.
DOCTOR: It won't.
AUNTIE: Oh, it will think of something.
AUNTIE falls over with a groan and the DOCTOR rushes to check for a pulse.
UNCLE: Actually, I feel fine. (stands and falls to the ground)
DOCTOR: Not dead. You can't just die!
IDRIS: We need to go to where I landed, Doctor. Quickly.
DOCTOR: Why?!
IDRIS: Because we are there in three minutes. We need to go now! (runs then stops in pain) Ow! Roughly, how long do these bodies last?
DOCTOR: (scans her) You're dying.
IDRIS: Yes, of course I'm dying. (takes the sonic) I don't belong in a flesh body. I could blow the casing in no time. No, stop it, don't get emotional. That's what the orangey girl says. You're the Doctor. Focus. (holds the sonic out for him)
DOCTOR: On what? How? I'm a madman with a box, without a box! (takes sonic) I'm stuck down the plughole at the end of the universe on a stupid old junkyard! Oh.
IDRIS: Oh, what?
DOCTOR: No, I'm not.
IDRIS: Not what?
DOCTOR: Cos it's not a junkyard. Don't you see? It's not a junkyard.
IDRIS: What is it then?
DOCTOR: It's a TARDIS junkyard! (heads for exit) Come on. (stops) Ooh, sorry, do you have a name?
IDRIS: 700 years, finally he asks.
DOCTOR: But what do I call you?
IDRIS: I think you call me... Sexy.
DOCTOR: (whispers) Only when we're alone!
IDRIS: We are alone.
DOCTOR: Come on then, Sexy.
The DOCTOR takes IDRIS by the hand and they run out.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. TARDIS, CONSOLE ROOM
HOUSE: Corridors. I have corridors. So much to learn about my new home. But you haven't answered my question, children.
RORY: Er, question?
HOUSE: You remember. Tell me why I shouldn't just kill you both now?
AMY: Well... because... Rory, why?
RORY: Because... killing us quickly wouldn't be any fun. And you need fun, don't you? That's what Uncle and Auntie were for, wasn't it? Someone to make suffer. I had a PE teacher just like you. You need to be entertained... and killing us quickly wouldn't be entertainment.
HOUSE: So entertain me. Run.
AMY and RORY run up a set of steps deeper into the TARDIS.
EXT. PLANET SURFACE, NIGHT
The DOCTOR runs across the surface of the planet, scanning with the sonic screwdriver. IDRIS follows. They climb atop a mound and look down on a collection of varied ships.
DOCTOR: A valley of half-eaten Tardises. Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
IDRIS: I'm thinking that all of my sisters are dead. That they were devoured, and that we are looking at their corpses.
DOCTOR: Ah. Sorry. No, I wasn't thinking that.
IDRIS: No. You were thinking you could build a working TARDIS console out of broken remnants of a hundred different models. And you don't care that it's impossible.
DOCTOR: It's not impossible as long as we are alive. Rory and Amy need me. So, yeah, we're gonna build a TARDIS. (heads into the valley)
INT. TARDIS, CORRIDORS
AMY and RORY run down the corridor.
HOUSE: So, are we having fun yet? I'm rather enjoying the sensation of having you running around inside me.
AMY stops with a cry and she almost falls into a pit.
HOUSE: I have turned off the corridor anti-ground, so do be careful.
AMY: Come on.
They make their way around the thin ledge. AMY reaches the other side first and pulls RORY to safety as he slips. They continue running.
EXT. PLANET SURFACE, NIGHT
The DOCTOR and IDRIS have put together a shell of a room with a small console in the middle. IDRIS pops up and taps a small piece of equipment with her finger.
IDRIS: Bond the tube directly into the Tachyon Diverter.
DOCTOR: Yes, yes, I have actually rebuilt a TARDIS before, you know. I know what I'm doing. (the DOCTOR is dragging a piece of wall by a rope)
IDRIS: You're like a nine-year-old trying to rebuild a motorbike in his bedroom. And you never read the instructions.
DOCTOR: I always read the instructions!
IDRIS: There's a sign on my front door. You have been walking past it for 700 years. What does it say?
DOCTOR: That's not instructions!
IDRIS: There's an instruction at the bottom. What does it say?
DOCTOR: Pull to open.
IDRIS: Yes, and what do you do?
DOCTOR: I push!
IDRIS: Every single time. 700 years. Police Box doors open out the way.
DOCTOR: (throws down the rope and walks over to her) I think I've earned the right to open my front doors any way I want!
IDRIS: Your front doors?! Have you any idea how childish that sounds?
DOCTOR: (turns away and mutters) You are not my mother!
IDRIS: And you are not my child!
DOCTOR: (turns around and walks back) You know, since we're talking with mouths, not really an opportunity that comes along very often, I just want to say, you know, you (points in her face) have never been very reliable.
IDRIS: And you have?
DOCTOR: You didn't always take me where I wanted to go. (walks away)
IDRIS: No, but I always took you where you needed to go.
DOCTOR: (stops) You did! (whirls around, happy) Look at us. Talking. Wouldn't it be amazing if we could always talk? Even when you're inside the box?
IDRIS: You know I'm not constructed that way. I exist across all space and time, and you talk and run around and bring home strays.
IDRIS falls but the DOCTOR catches her.
DOCTOR: You OK?
IDRIS: One of the kidneys has already failed. It doesn't matter. We need to finish assembling the console.
DOCTOR: Using a console without a proper shell. It's not going to be safe.
IDRIS: This body has about 18 minutes left to live. The universe we're in will reach Absolute Zero in three hours. Safe is relative.
The DOCTOR heads back to the piece he was dragging and picks up the rope.
DOCTOR: Then we need to get a move on, eh, old girl?
INT. TARDIS, CORRIDORS
AMY and RORY run down the corridor, AMY is ahead. She runs through a door and it slides closed after her, RORY still on the opposite side.
RORY: NO! Amy!
AMY stops and runs back to the door.
AMY: No!
RORY: Amy! (tries to pry open the door)
On her side, AMY hears a tired voice calling her name. She runs down the corridor and sees RORY sitting on the floor by the closed door.
AMY: Rory?
RORY: (gets up) Where have you been?
AMY: I stepped through that door and it came down here.
RORY: But you've been hours!
AMY: No, I haven't. It's House, and it's messing with the TARDIS. Come on, back this way.
They run and HOUSE plays the same trick, closing the door in front of RORY.
RORY: No!
AMY: No! Oh! (turns around)
EXT. PLANET SURFACE, NIGHT
The TARDIS now has three walls up and the DOCTOR is carrying a central column over his shoulder to the console.
IDRIS: You'll need to install the time router.
DOCTOR: How is this going to make it through the rift? (slips the column into place) We're almost there. (checks everything) Thrust diffuser. Er, Retro scope. Blue... thingy.
IDRIS: (sifting through junk) Do you wonder why I chose you all those years ago?
DOCTOR: I chose you. You were unlocked.
IDRIS: Of course I was. I wanted to see the universe, so I stole a Time Lord and I ran away. And you were the only one mad enough.
DOCTOR: (joins her and looks back at the console) Right. Perfect. Look at that. What could possibly go wrong? (a small piece falls off) That's fine, that always happens. No! Hang on! Wait! (grabs red velvet rope)
INT. TARDIS, CORRIDORS
AMY walks forward through the slowly darkening corridor.
RORY: Amy?
Curled up close to the wall in a corner is an older RORY with long grey hair and a straggly beard.
AMY: Oh, my God. Rory? (kneels beside him)
RORY: You left me. How could you do that? How could you leave me?
AMY: How long have you been here?
RORY: 2,000 years I waited for you. (bangs his head on the wall) You did it to me again!
AMY: I didn't mean to. I didn't mean to. I'm sorry.
RORY lunges at her and AMY falls back with a cry. She crab-walks backwards away from him.
AMY: Rory, what are you doing?
RORY: They come for me at night. Every single night, they come for me and they hurt me. Amy, they hurt me over and over and over and over...
AMY: Rory...
RORY: How could you leave me? How could you do that to me?
They both stand as RORY speaks and AMY backs away through a door and it closes again.
INT. MAKESHIFT TARDIS, NIGHT
The DOCTOR hands IDRIS one of the ropes and they latch them onto the console.
DOCTOR: Right. OK, let's go. Follow that TARDIS!
The console doesn't move. IDRIS sees her reflection in a mirror and plays with her face.
DOCTOR: It can't hold the charge. I can't even start it. There's no power! (puts a hand over the mirror) I've got nothing!
IDRIS: Oh, my beautiful idiot. You have what you've always had - you've got me.
IDRIS kisses her finger, imbuing it with energy, and then places it against the central column. The energy circles them with a field and they dematerialize.
INT. TARDIS, CORRIDORS
AMY walks through another corridor. Scrawled on the walls in a violent hand are the phrases "Hate Amy", "Kill Amy" and "Die Amy". She turns a corner and sees a skeleton lying there in RORY'S clothes.
AMY: (screams) No! No! (falls to her knees and crawls to the body, sobbing) Rory... I'm so, so sorry!
RORY walks up the corridor behind her.
RORY: Amy?
AMY turns around at the sound of his voice but when she looks back, the body and writing have disappeared. She runs to RORY and hugs him.
RORY: It's messing with our heads. Come on, run.
They run.
SPACE
The makeshift TARDIS follows the path of "the" TARDIS to the universe.
INT. MAKESHIFT TARDIS
It is open on top and one side so we can see the energy field around them. The ride is a little rough. The DOCTOR is enjoying the experience. They have to shout to be heard.
DOCTOR: Whoo-hoo!
IDRIS: We've locked on to them! They'll have to lower the shields when I'm close enough to phase inside.
DOCTOR: Can you get a message to Amy? The telepathic circuits are online.
IDRIS: Which one's Amy? The pretty one?
INT. TARDIS, SHAFT
RORY and AMY are climbing up a ladder when RORY puts a hand to his head in pain.
RORY: Argh! (sees IDRIS)
AMY: Rory, what's wrong??
RORY: It's like... I'm getting a message.
IDRIS: (telepathic vision) Hello, Pretty!
RORY: What the hell is that? The DOCTOR butts into the vision.
DOCTOR: (telepathic vision) Don't worry. Telepathic messaging. No, that's Rory.
IDRIS: (telepathic vision) You have to go to the old control room. I'm putting the route in your head. When you get there use the purple slider on the nearest panel to lower the shields.
DOCTOR: (telepathic vision) The pretty one!
IDRIS: (telepathic vision) You'll have about 12 seconds before the room goes into phase with the invading Matrix. I'll send you the passkey when you get there. Good luck!
RORY opens his eyes.
AMY: What was that?
RORY: It was that woman. That mad woman and the Doctor.
AMY: The Doctor?!
RORY: We have to keep going.
They continue climbing.
INT. MAKESHIFT TARDIS
DOCTOR: How's he going to be able to take down the shields anyway? The House is in the control room.
IDRIS: I directed him to one of the old control rooms.
DOCTOR: There aren't any old control rooms. They were all deleted or remodelled.
IDRIS: I archive them. For neatness. I've got about 30 now.
DOCTOR: But I've only changed the desktop, what, a dozen times?
IDRIS: So far, yes.
DOCTOR: You can't archive something that hasn't happened yet!
IDRIS: YOU can't.
INT. TARDIS, CORRIDORS
They walk through the corridors and AMY stops short, the hall dark all around her.
AMY: What happened to the lights?
For RORY, the halls are lit.
RORY: The lights are fine. It's messing with our heads again.
AMY walks forward slowly, arms out to keep her from walking into anything. RORY hears something.
RORY: OK. Stay there a second.
AMY: What is it? What?
RORY: Just hang on. (turns the corner)
AMY: Don't leave me. I can hardly see, you idiot!
RORY: Argh!
AMY: Rory? Rory?
RORY: Its OK, I'm fine. Come towards my voice.
AMY: (slowly walks forward) What happened? Where are you?
RORY: I just banged my head. Just keep coming.
AMY keeps walking and we see RORY'S unconscious body on the floor.
RORY: Reach out your hand.
We see the glow of NEWPHEW'S translator ball and then AMY'S hand touches his tentacles. His eyes glow green and AMY screams. As she does so, she can see again and RORY is there.
RORY: This way. Come on, run!
They run and NEPHEW follows.
INT. MAKESHIFT TARDIS
DOCTOR: Keep going! You're doing it, you sexy thing!
IDRIS: See, you DO call me that. Is it my name?
DOCTOR: You bet it's your name! Whoo!
INT. TARDIS, CORRIDORS
RORY is still guiding AMY.
AMY: I can see now, Rory. I can see.
RORY: It was the Ood thing, the Nephew and it's still coming.
AMY: I know.
They stop at a locked door.
AMY: So where is this place?
RORY: This is where she told me to go. She said she'd send me the pass key!
RORY grabs his head as IDRIS sends another message. He repeats the words for AMY.
IDRIS: (telepathic vision) Crimson. Eleven. Delight. Petrichor.
AMY: Petrichor.
RORY: What do I do? Do I say it? Crimson. Eleven. Delight. Petrichor.
Nothing happens.
RORY: I said it.
AMY: Petrichor. Petrichor...
RORY: I said it! (pounds on door)
AMY: Petrichor. She told you what it meant - the smell of wet dust, remember? So... Oh... it's the meaning, not the word.
RORY: The meaning of what?
AMY: The TARDIS interface is telepathic. You don't say it, you think it.
NEPHEW appears at the junction.
RORY: It's coming.
AMY: (faces the door) Quiet! (closes eyes) Crimson. Eleven. Delight. The smell of dust after rain.
NEWPHEW slowly advances. AMY pictures each item in her head as she says the words.
AMY: Crimson, (red flag in the wind) eleven, (11th birthday cake) delight, (laughing at her wedding) the smell of dust after rain. (a raindrop falling in dirt)
AMY repeats the words and thoughts as NEPHEW gets closer. The doors slide open and the rush inside.
INT. TARDIS, PREVIOUS CONTROL ROOM
AMY and RORY run up the ramp in the darkened room.
AMY: What is this place? Another control room?
RORY: Shields.
They begin to look for the right controls.
RORY: Got it.
INT. MAKESHIFT TARDIS
IDRIS: They did it. Shields down!
SPACE
The makeshift TARDIS closes in on the other.
INT. TARDIS, PREVIOUS CONTROL ROOM
AMY and RORY run up the ramp in the darkened room.
HOUSE: How did you find this place? It's not on my internal schematics. I had hoped you two could join Nephew as my servants. But you two are nothing but trouble. (the door opens and NEPHEW enters) Nephew... kill them.
AMY and RORY are backing away when RORY gets another telepathic message.
IDRIS: (telepathic vision) We're coming through. Get out of the way or you'll be atomised.
RORY: Where are you coming through?
IDRIS: (telepathic vision) I don't know.
RORY: Oh, great. Thanks!
INT. MAKESHIFT TARDIS
IDRIS: It's not going to hold!
INT. TARDIS, PREVIOUS CONTROL ROOM
NEPHEW advances.
RORY: Hold on!
RORY holds onto the rail while AMY grabs onto the nearest buttress. The other console materializes by the ramp.
AMY: (smiles) Doctor!
The DOCTOR gets up and hugs her. IDRIS stands slowly.
IDRIS: Not good. Not good at all. (the DOCTOR helps her sit) How do you walk around in these things?
DOCTOR: We're not quite there yet... just hold on. Amy, this is... Well, she's my TARDIS. Except she's a woman. She's a woman, and she's my TARDIS.
AMY: She's the TARDIS?!
DOCTOR: And she's a woman. She's a woman and she's the TARDIS.
AMY: Did you wish really hard?
DOCTOR: Shut up! Not like that.
IDRIS: Hello. I'm... Sexy.
RORY: Oh!
DOCTOR: Still shut up.
HOUSE: The Environment has been breached. Nephew, kill them all.
They look around for the Ood.
RORY: Where's Nephew?
AMY: He was standing right where you materialised.
DOCTOR: Ah. Well, he must have been redistributed.
RORY: Meaning what?
DOCTOR: You're breathing him.
AMY: Eugh!
DOCTOR: Another Ood I failed to save.
HOUSE: Doctor, I did not expect you.
DOCTOR: Well, that's me all over, isn't it? Lovely old unexpected me.
HOUSE: The big question is, now you're here, how to dispose of you? I could play with gravity...
They all fall down, fighting the pull until HOUSE releases it. IDRIS collapses on her own and RORY goes to her side.
HOUSE: or I could evacuate the air from this room and watch you choke.
They gasp for breath.
DOCTOR: You really don't want to do that!
HOUSE: (returns air) Why shouldn't I just kill you now?
DOCTOR: Because then I won't be able to help you! Listen to your engines. Just listen to them. You don't have the thrust and you know it. I'm your only hope for getting out of your little bubble, through the rift, and into my universe. And mine's the one with the food in! You just have to promise not to kill us. That's all, just promise.
IDRIS whispers to RORY.
AMY: You can't be serious.
DOCTOR: I'm very serious. I'm sure it's an entity of its word.
RORY: Doctor, she's burning up. She's asking for water.
DOCTOR: (kneels and takes IDRIS' hand and strokes her face) Hey. Hang in there, old girl. Not long now. It'll be over soon.
IDRIS: I always liked it when you call me... old girl.
HOUSE: You want me to give my word? Easy. I promise.
DOCTOR: Fine. OK. I trust you. Just delete, ooh, 30% of the TARDIS rooms, you'll free up thrust enough to make it through. Activate sub-routine Sigma-9.
HOUSE: Why would you tell me this?
DOCTOR: (stands) Because we want to get back to our universe as badly as you do. And I'm nice.
HOUSE: Ye-e-s. I can delete rooms, and I can also rid myself of vermin if I delete this room first. Thank you, Doctor, very helpful. Goodbye, Time Lord. Goodbye, little humans. Goodbye, Idris.
There is a flash of bright light.
SPACE
The TARDIS returns to the universe.
INT. TARDIS, CONSOLE ROOM
The four of them materialize in the console room.
DOCTOR: Yes. I mean you could do that, but it just won't work. Hardwired fail-safe. Living things from rooms that are deleted are automatically deposited in the main control room. But thanks for the lift!
HOUSE: We are in your Universe now, Doctor. Why should it matter to me in which room you die? I can kill you just as easily here as anywhere. Fear me. I've killed hundreds of Time Lords.
DOCTOR: Fear ME. I've killed all of them.
RORY: (to IDRIS) I don't understand. There isn't a forest in here.
DOCTOR: Yeah, you're right. You've completely won. Oh, you can kill us in oodles of really inventive ways, but before you do kill us allow me and friends Amy and Rory to congratulate you on being an absolutely worthy opponent.
The DOCTOR starts to clap before grabbing AMY by the arm and forcing her to stand. They applaud together.
AMY: Congratulations!
DOCTOR: Yep, you've defeated us, me and my lovely friends here at last but definitely not least the TARDIS Matrix herself, a living consciousness you ripped out of this very control room and locked up into a human body and look at her!
RORY: Doctor, she's stopped breathing.
HOUSE: Enough! That is enough.
AMY goes over to RORY and IDRIS.
DOCTOR: No. It's never enough. You forced the TARDIS into a body so she'd burn out safely a very long way away from this control room. A flesh body can't hold the TARDIS Matrix and live. Look at her body, House.
HOUSE: And you think I should mourn her?
DOCTOR: No. I think you should be very, very careful about what you let back into this control room.
Energy flows from IDRIS as she opens her mouth.
DOCTOR: You took her from her home. But now she's back in the box again and she's free!
The energy streams throughout the room, changing the green light to golden.
HOUSE: No! Doctor, stop this! OW! Stop this now!
DOCTOR: Oh, look at my girl, look at her go! Bigger on the inside! You see, House?
HOUSE: Make it stop!
DOCTOR: That's your problem. Size of a planet, but inside you're just so small!
HOUSE: Make it stop!
DOCTOR: Finish him off, girl.
HOUSE groans and yells and the TARDIS takes back her home. When it is silent, AMY and RORY notice IDRIS' body is gone.
IDRIS: Doctor? Are you there?
The DOCTOR turns from the console to see a glowing projection of IDRIS.
IDRIS: It's so very dark in here.
DOCTOR: (softly) I'm here.
IDRIS: I've been looking for a word. A big, complicated word, but so sad. I've found it now.
DOCTOR: (whispers) What word?
IDRIS: Alive. I'm alive!
DOCTOR: Alive isn't sad.
AMY and RORY watch, RORY holding her close.
IDRIS: It's sad when it's over. I'll always be here. But this is when we talked and now even that has come to an end. There's something I didn't get to say to you.
DOCTOR: Goodbye?
IDRIS: No, I just wanted to say... hello. Hello, Doctor. It's so very, very nice to meet you.
DOCTOR: (tearful) Please! I don't want you to. Please!
The DOCTOR steps back as the projection dissipates with a bright light and the familiar TARDIS sound.
IDRIS: (faintly) I love you.
DOCTOR: Where? (faces the console)
LATER... The DOCTOR is sitting in the swing sit under the console working on wires. AMY and RORY watch from above.
RORY: How's it going under there?
DOCTOR: Just putting a firewall around the Matrix. Almost done.
RORY walks down the steps.
AMY: Are you going to make her talk again?
DOCTOR: Can't.
RORY: Why not?
AMY: Spacey-wacey, isn't it?
DOCTOR: Well actually, it's because the Time Lords discovered that if you take an eleventh-dimensional matrix and fold it into a mechanical then...
RORY touches two wires together and they spark.
DOCTOR: (frustrated) Yes, it's spacey-wacey!
RORY: Sorry. At the end, she was talking. She kept repeating something. I don't know what it meant.
DOCTOR: (stands) What did she say?
RORY: The only water in the forest is the river. She said we'd need to know that someday. It doesn't make sense, does it?
DOCTOR: Not yet. You OK?
RORY: No. I watched her die. I shouldn't let it get to me, but it still does. I'm a nurse.
AMY joins then and sits on the bottom, holding onto the rail.
DOCTOR: Letting it get to you - you know what that's called? Being alive. Best thing there is. Being alive right now, that's all that counts. (sits in the swing) Nearly finished. Two more minutes, then we're off. The Eye of Orion's restful, if you like restful. I can never really get the hang of restful. What do you think, dear? Where shall we take the kids this time?
AMY: Look at you pair. It's always you and her, isn't it? Long after the rest of us have gone. A boy and his box, off to see the universe.
DOCTOR: Well, you say that as if it's a bad thing. But honestly, it's the best thing there is. The House deleted all the bedrooms. I should make you two a new bedroom. You'd like that, wouldn't you?
RORY leans over and whispers to AMY.
AMY: OK. Doctor, this time, could we lose the bunk beds?
DOCTOR: Nah, bunk beds are cool. A bed with a ladder! You can't beat that. (they look at him) It's YOUR room. Up those stairs, keep walking till you find it. Off you pop!
They start up the stairs but RORY stops.
RORY: Doctor, do YOU have a room?
AMY grabs RORY'S arm and pulls him up the stairs. The DOCTOR wipes off a few spots and connects two wires causing another bright spark.
SPACE
The TARDIS spins gently.
INT. TARDIS, CONSOLE ROOM
The DOCTOR throws down his cloth and uses the sonic on one spot of the console. He makes to use some controls but stops.
DOCTOR: Are you there? Can you hear me? I'm a silly old... OK. The Eye of Orion, or wherever we need to go.
Next to him, the lever moves on its own, starting dematerialization.
DOCTOR: (laughs) Hello!
Giddily, he spins around the console.
DOCTOR: (laughs) Whoo-hoo! | Plan: A: A distress signal; Q: What sends the Doctor, Amy and Rory outside the universe? A: a Time Lord; Q: Who sent the Doctor, Amy and Rory to an asteroid? A: the place's strange inhabitants; Q: What are the Doctor, Amy and Rory introduced to? A: Nephew; Q: What is the name of the Ood that the Doctor meets on the asteroid? A: an excited woman; Q: What is Idris? A: Idris; Q: Who is the woman who seems attracted to the Doctor? A: "House; Q: What is the name of the intelligence that controls the asteroid? A: House; Q: Who takes possession of the TARDIS? A: the asteroid; Q: What is House controlling? A: the energy; Q: What did House feed off of the other Time Lords? A: the TARDIS; Q: What does House take possession of to escape to the regular universe? A: her body; Q: What does Idris lose when the Doctor and Rory build a makeshift TARDIS? A: two; Q: How many people decide to build a makeshift TARDIS out of the scraps in the junkyard? A: a makeshift TARDIS; Q: What do the Doctor and Idris build to pursue Amy, Rory and House? A: the TARDIS's matrix; Q: What does Idris release to destroy House? Summary: A distress signal from a Time Lord sends the Doctor, Amy and Rory outside the universe to a junkyard on an asteroid. They are introduced to the place's strange inhabitants - Auntie, Uncle, an Ood known as Nephew, and an excited woman named Idris, who seems attracted to the Doctor. An intelligence called "House" is controlling the asteroid. The Doctor discovers that other Time Lords have been lured to the asteroid and killed so House could feed off the energy. Upon learning that the Doctor is the last of the Time Lords, House takes possession of the TARDIS to escape to the regular universe, with Amy and Rory trapped inside. The Doctor learns that House has trapped the personality of the TARDIS inside Idris, causing her body to fail quickly. The two decide to build a makeshift TARDIS out of the scraps in the junkyard to pursue Amy, Rory and House. As they materialise inside the TARDIS, Idris releases the TARDIS's matrix, destroying House and liberating the TARDIS. |
Subsets and Splits