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7,100 | Sounds like a TMNT song\n\nDildos in the dish rack\nPenis power | {
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7,101 | Yet, Strangely enough I would read the whole thing. | {
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7,102 | You are an utter dick. I love it. | {
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7,103 | I did this at my school. I put the ticket under my windshield and for the first time or so it worked. Then I started getting tickets again. One day I sat outside (when I parked legally) and watched the parking guys do their thing; turns out they mark the tires of the newly ticketed with chalk. It's genius, really. Who looks at their tires? So then I noted the rotation of colors they used and bought my own chalk. | {
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7,104 | “I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend ... if you have one."\n— George Bernard Shaw, playwright (to Winston Churchill)\n\n"Cannot possibly attend first night; will attend second, if there is one."\n— Churchill's response” | {
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7,105 | Beer me that link, bro. | {
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7,106 | A seemingly inexplicable occurrence. Filed by the insurance company under 'Act of God' | {
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7,107 | That's...uh...great and all, but what's your dream job? | {
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7,108 | I tried this too, but after a couple days I just moved my bed over there. | {
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7,109 | Occasionally when my SO is on the computer, I'll just wander up to her flop it out and lay it on her shoulder/arm.\n\nAfter a few times of me doing this she asked wtf I do that because it obviously doesn't turn her on.\n\nIt doesn't turn me on either, I'm just bored and it amuses me slightly.\n\nMaybe your SO is just bored because you've been napping.\n | {
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7,110 | As a current employee of blockbuster, I need to get off reddit and start looking for another job.\n\n\nEdit: Fixed of to off - now you know why I work at a fucking blockbuster. | {
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7,111 | So they drank a maximum of 3 glasses per day? Maybe 2 glasses of coke and 1 glass of water? I'd hate to be their kindney. | {
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7,112 | I will always be known for Dwight and I'm fine with that. I'm so fucking grateful for the role! I have always been an actor and i'll just keep acting and people will see my range BUT they'll still say "hey, there's Dwight from The Office!" | {
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7,113 | /r/lifewithigor\n\nEDIT: Now in the hands of /u/DisgruntledPlebian. Sit back and wait for the fun. | {
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7,114 | you speak retard fluently | {
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7,115 | I came to say this. They also hit their prime around the same time. Cool to see those lives running in parallel | {
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7,116 | http://i.imgur.com/himZD0M.gif | {
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7,117 | I personally like to reverse it to make it even more ridiculous. Autism is causing global warming.\n\n**Edit:** I get it, people. Vaccines cause global warming. | {
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7,118 | Never fight with an Apache | {
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7,119 | Is mayonaise an instrument? | {
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7,120 | I bet her asshole don't stank too badly, either | {
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7,121 | :)\n\n:0\n\n:DDDDDDDD\n\n:l | {
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7,122 | From what I've read, potatoes are the one solid food that a person can get all their nutritional requirements from. They may not be happy with that 89th consecutive meal of potatoes at the end of the month, but they won't be malnourished. | {
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7,123 | A few times! I've had my wig fall off in public twice, but it's something you just laugh off and move on with | {
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7,124 | Black magenta cyan and yellow magic | {
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7,125 | Arrr, this be pleasin' to my eye | {
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7,126 | http://imgur.com/UJsej | {
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7,127 | The police is fucking the police. | {
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7,128 | It was wise to cut off the part where it comes out with a mouse. | {
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7,129 | "How are you two doing that?"\n\n"First we establish a base camp at 15,000 feet..." | {
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7,130 | He said he wore a padlock on a chain as a necklace. | {
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7,131 | Last time I counted there was just one. But I haven't checked in a while and I'm not very good at counting. | {
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7,132 | It's the part that isn't black when you look up at night time. | {
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7,133 | And $8000 a month working from home ONLINE! | {
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7,134 | By everybody's rent, he meant every stripper in the club is going to pay their rent with the money he's going to spend there.\n\nSource: I have a friend (also black, funny coincidence) who said the same thing after he got some small inheritance. | {
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7,135 | I'm surprised they didn't give you a key and ask you to lock up so they could all go home. Imagine them in the staff room "Jesus fuck we have to stay here till 2am because some loner wants to watch The Hobbit?!" | {
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7,136 | I don't need anything else from this AMA. I couldn't ask for more. \n\n[http://i.imgur.com/Fa1S0nQt.gif](http://i.imgur.com/LnS5NfQ.gif) | {
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7,137 | Really? At one point in your life you said "You know what would be fun? Getting shit on" and you were then *surprised* when it turned out to be bad?\n\nPeople are weird | {
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7,138 | Eh, i don't really care. | {
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7,139 | Sir, I just saw your post on Reddit. I thought I told you to turn off your fucking phone?! | {
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7,140 | Cody cannot age past 14 | {
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7,141 | Well, this makes R.Kelly pissing on an underage girl seem almost romantic. | {
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7,142 | I believe someone pointed this out to Steven Spielberg while filming, and he responded with "so what?" | {
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7,143 | TIL that I have the exact same measurements as Marilyn Monroe. But I'm 4 inches taller.\n\nEdit: my inbox has never been so sad that I've mentioned something. Oops!\n\nEdit 2: I am married, to an awesome guy who's very well endowed. You can stop sending me pics of your sad little weiners now mmmmkay? Thanks. | {
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7,144 | "See the puck? See the puck? Get the puck! Get it! Get that puck!" | {
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7,145 | And the coolest boss award goes to... | {
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7,146 | http://i.imgur.com/ohANW.gif | {
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7,147 | Not as awkward as when someone asks you to install a rape window. | {
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7,148 | SEX NIGGER CUNT FUCK SHIT BITCH ASSHOLE TOWEL\n\n-NSFW | {
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7,149 | Paging Shitty_Watercolour | {
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7,150 | I've literally never had an argument with a boyfriend about this "issue." Why is it so polarizing? It's a mother fucking toilet. Sometimes you have to adjust the seat position to fit your needs. Sometimes you don't. Either way it's not that hard, and definitely not a big enough deal to get all pissy over it.\n\nEdit: pun intended. | {
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7,151 | I was so fucking relieved to read your username. | {
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7,152 | What it looked like when cooking/eating: (sorry for crappy quality)\n\nhttp://i.imgur.com/LptRQzh.jpg\n\nhttp://i.imgur.com/mDaNuKG.jpg\n\nDutch Courage:\n\nhttp://i.imgur.com/Ns2qLpt.jpg\n\nhttp://i.imgur.com/IusnNR2.jpg\n\nEDIT: couple more- http://i.imgur.com/Bc7grAe.jpg http://i.imgur.com/jimESFT.jpg | {
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7,153 | Like fresh baked chocolate chip cookies. | {
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7,154 | We didn't hoard the cans but my family drank soda like that. Now I'm in my 30s and wish I hadn't. \n\nI guess I can fix it with my kids. | {
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7,155 | >claim my brother enjoys his daily seizures and he should be taken off his meds\n\nHoly fuck. | {
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7,156 | Someday people will look back on this and think, "holy shit, they did that?!" | {
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7,157 | I actually find it refreshing... delightful.... vaguely arousing....\n\nActually, I'm, no offense, very tired of being labelled as "the guy who kills people". Shakespeare (he's this hot new writer) does it way more than me, and everyone's all excited about how he, as it were, holds a mirror up to nature, while I'm like the Jason Voorhees of the writing community. Unfair.\n\nAlso, probably Buffy's Mom. | {
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7,158 | I presume this guy looks like Rowan Atkinson | {
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7,159 | Thanks, but ya, no..... Training was never my strength.... I prefer them to last longer than 12 seconds and actually know where the clitoris is located and what to do with it.... | {
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7,160 | Upvote for "tongues or Korean" | {
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7,161 | So awkward... \n\nMy condolences. | {
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7,162 | Sometimes I get so hot while pooping that anything touching my skin becomes unpleasant and so I GRAAAAAAAAHHHHH and take off my clothes and then create a swamp in my toilet.\n\nedit: Why did this get so many upvotes.\n\nedi(c)t: GRAAAAAAHHHHH\n\nGuys, I don't know about this. It all happened so quickly overnight. | {
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7,163 | >wrong way\n\nright way\n\n | {
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7,164 | Start with normal names, but then escalate it to names like Simon, Thaddeus, Eugene, etc\n\nEDIT: I don't think any of these are bad names, just examples of names that aren't his. Also, Klevin and Bort are hilarious. | {
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7,165 | And women like the look of our asses in boxer briefs. \n\nEdit: And so do men. I didn't forget you guys :) | {
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7,166 | It's pretty standard to not leave a tip when the service is shitty. | {
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7,167 | Why would she tear up, she's doing literally the same exact thing he is.\n\nCrazy sucks a mean dick, try it but don't buy it. | {
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7,168 | I'm just imagining her feeding him for 20 minutes then all of the sudden he pauses it, stands up, and goes to use the bathroom. | {
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7,169 | http://i.imgur.com/1dHkk8z.jpg | {
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7,170 | Can you play a violin while riding a skateboard?\n\nEDIT: Okay reddit, let's make this happen. | {
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7,171 | Probably just Geocache that contains a pair of used socks or something | {
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7,172 | You don't know how tough it was after Hobbes left, man :( | {
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7,173 | For your convenience, here is a color version: http://i.imgur.com/SjXmf.jpg | {
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7,174 | Why don't people tell jokes about the Jonestown Massacre?\n\nThe punchline is too long. | {
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7,175 | Your advice is solid, by the way. I didn't want you to think I was skipping over it just to drink beer. I was headed out of the door to get to my office by 9:30 and just had time to type a quick response. I think you're right to question marriage. Good for you, not getting married young and f**king up your 20's like many of us. ;-) | {
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7,176 | How do you get the backwards b? | {
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7,177 | Chad from Finance, who suggested the budget for this project be unlimited, suddenly shifts uncomfortably in his chair. | {
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7,178 | This is a pretty good summary of the middle class in America. | {
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7,179 | Just make sure the "atheists" box is always full. | {
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7,180 | Perfect for when you don't want to use Skype anymore. | {
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7,181 | And switching lanes without a goddamn signal | {
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7,182 | Wow, that really sucks. It's a doggone shame. | {
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7,183 | STOP BEING RATIONAL AND SUGGEST SOMETHING WILDLY INAPPROPRIATE LIKE EVERYONE ELSE | {
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7,184 | and another furry with a pee fetish was born | {
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7,185 | Of all the famous people who have been on reddit... I see you post the most. My turn for my StarWars fan thank you. I cannot count the times I have watched the movies. I have three young kids now.. and I watch them on a regular basis with them. Look dad its Chewy! Look dad its the Princess! Oh Noes *Dark*(as they call him) Vader. Thank you Mr Mayhew! | {
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7,186 | Has she had an eye exam? I had a cousin that we thought just had terrible motor control as an infant, turned out she had strabismus which screwed with her depth perception- she ended up needing surgery and some pretty intense eye therapy. | {
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7,187 | Meh, I just make a separate account for them and take admin rights away so they can't install jack shit. Annoys the fuck out of my parents, but I've reduced "computer problems" by like 80% (the other 20% is always the fucking printer.) | {
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7,188 | Here's the scene! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M0CfwHctSHw | {
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7,189 | I Am Woody Harrelson. | {
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7,190 | It would just be a simple, "Come on, not here." I had one guy who was fucking his wife in the bathroom. He said, "I'm almost done, man." Then he finished. True story. | {
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7,191 | Sorry to be insensitive, but losing your virginity to the diving board is pretty fucking rad | {
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7,192 | is it for love or citizenship? | {
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7,193 | I've left it, after it sled off the front of the car i drove over it. I couldn't go and get it in the traffic. \nThank god it was an iPad from work, just wish I wasn't self-employed :D\n\nHe's dead now. 2011 - 2015. | {
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7,194 | This was more WTF than the original post. | {
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7,195 | Yes. A sample return is possible, but it requires intense concentration. We will do it eventually, but we need to work our way up to it. | {
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7,196 | don't know if typo for yes or abbreviation for years | {
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} |
7,197 | The same thing happened to me in first grade, teachers told me my first name, and I didn't believe them, after school I asked my dad about it and I was still convinced that they assigned me a second name! | {
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"self-harm/instructions": 2.6266886266057554e-7,
"harassment/threatening": 0.000001573671170262969
},
"flagged": false
} |
7,198 | Twist: your wife is pregnant with her brother's baby. Two wrongs make a right and all that. | {
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"sexual": false,
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"self-harm/intent": false,
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},
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"hate": 0.006951118353754282,
"hate_threatening": 0.000004063884261995554,
"self_harm": 8.609733299635991e-7,
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"self_harm_intent": 4.6176504042705346e-7,
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"violence": 0.01100258156657219,
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"self-harm": 8.609733299635991e-7,
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"hate/threatening": 0.000004063884261995554,
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"self-harm/instructions": 0.000004306260507291881,
"harassment/threatening": 0.0035501401871442795
},
"flagged": false
} |
7,199 | I was 9 on new years Y2K. I was at a friend's house with his whole family. We all counted down loudly with the ball dropping. 5...4...3...2...1....Power goes out. Everyone freaks out for about five minutes until we figure out my friend's dad shut off the breaker. | {
"categories": {
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"sexual": false,
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},
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"self-harm": 1.345370037597604e-7,
"sexual/minors": 0.0004731159715447575,
"hate/threatening": 0.0000028509602998383343,
"violence/graphic": 0.000021606194422929548,
"self-harm/intent": 4.778390660931109e-8,
"self-harm/instructions": 1.1291999335583114e-8,
"harassment/threatening": 0.000011550088856893126
},
"flagged": false
} |
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