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5,900 | That was fucking stupid of them. Cheating at roulette is pretty much impossible, they should have plied you with drinks and free shit and got you to spend your winnings at the Luxor.\nEdit: after waking up to a shit ton of orangereds, apparently it is possible to cheat at roulette. Still, it's stupid to not try to get him to spend it all at the casino instead of just booting him. | {
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5,901 | Haha, I love you story. He is a lucky man to have you both :)\n\nedit: you**r** story, obviously :| | {
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5,902 | is it weird that I was expecting way more cum and am now a little disappointed?\n | {
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5,903 | You don't "use" a fax machine. You put stuff in the fax machine, and if it feels you're worthy, it may fax it. | {
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5,904 | A family friend's kid likes to "invent" things. When he realized that the wireless phones always ran out of battery, he came up with this: "Why don't we run a wire to connect the phone to the phone base?" | {
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5,905 | you might be a prostitute | {
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5,906 | > I did not become Batman.\n\nBrutal. | {
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5,907 | That's funny. I once rejected a student who applied to our PhD program to work with me because she PLAGIARIZED MY PAPER in the personal essay portion of her application. Who does that? | {
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5,908 | Must have been really hard to hear him unless you had one of those in-helmet microphone systems. | {
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5,909 | This is senior abuse. You should call the police and see what can be done, if anything. \n\nEdit: Jesus fucking Christ, you people. Read between the lines. Are you honestly so dimwitted that you think I'm advocating police action against the *child*?\n\nCall the police on the PARENTS because they are subjecting the grandmother to an abusive environment **BY THEIR OWN ACTIONS AND LACK OF ACTION**. | {
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5,910 | I suppose you will now remove your upvote, and ironically this is already too deep in the page, but...\n\n[DIRECTED BY M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN](http://i.imgur.com/avjmH.png)\n | {
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5,911 | ahahaha\n\nPLAYER 2 HAS JOINED THE GAME | {
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5,912 | A Night at the Roxbury | {
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5,913 | Brent you crazy motherfucker\n\nEDIT: I would like to thank Brent for my most upvoted comment ever. You're a real guy Brent! | {
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5,914 | Said EVERY girl ever. | {
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5,915 | Or maybe she's awkward about that solid boob grab. | {
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5,916 | Then invest in Facebook and lose it. | {
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5,917 | Not always true. I'm Australian and I'm fucking ugly as shit. | {
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5,918 | Cancer? Probably nothing | {
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5,919 | My cousin wears a fedora, plays Minecraft, and trolls people by deliberately screwing up in Portal 2 co-op mode.\n\nHe is the incarnation of the annoying internet child. He's 13. | {
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5,920 | I don't think anyone there watching fully understood what he did. It was that brilliant. Looked like they thought that he actually screwed up. | {
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5,921 | You might seem like an asshole, but in all honesty... what you did there, might actually have been the reason he pulled himself together... | {
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5,922 | "HEY BOSS COME LOOK AT WHAT I DID!" | {
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5,923 | "- NOT BAD!"\n\n\nIt was at this point, Reddit ejaculated in glorious unison. | {
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5,924 | It's so sad. In the pyramids of teotihuacan in Mexico, I often saw people carving their names and chipping off pieces of the pyramid as a souvenir. Now the smaller of the two is too deteriorated to climb to the top. | {
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5,925 | I eat the thing I like the least first and my favorite item last. | {
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5,926 | I once locked myself out of car and my parents had a spare (live in the same city). I called them up asking them to drive down to open the car, they said to try putting my phone next to my car while they "unlocked" my car from their end of the phone...\n\nEDIT: Wow I guess this is actually possible... must try it out sometime and apologize to my parents | {
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5,927 | I live in SLC. I too was asked this. I ended up offending the three old women interviewing me though. They asked me what ward I was with and me being from Dallas, Texas raised by a parents in medicine I thought they meant the mental ward of a sanitarium. I said Im not insane and they got pretty upset.\n\n\nEdit: this comment is getting a few upvotes. If anyone is wondering. I didn't get the job. | {
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5,928 | If Jagermeister were any easier to drink I think I'd die of alcohol poisoning. | {
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5,929 | That's a thing? Like outside of Gossip Girl??\n\nEdit: Apparently it's Pretty Little Liars. | {
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5,930 | Classic office shenanigans. | {
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5,931 | Vote for improving schools every chance you get. If you're a parent, get as involved in your kids' education as you can...without troubling the teachers ;-).\nThe longest journey begins with a single step. In my view, we have to support schools, which might be written $upport $chool$$$. That takes taxes, and that takes a majority of us believing in public education. | {
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5,932 | While the marketing scheme is most likely true, the idea of "you only need one" is not.\n\nBecause Alka-Seltzer contains active drug ingredients the allowable dose is controlled by the FDA; they didn't just take the usual dose tab and put in two. They halved the active ingredients and doubled the non-active to make two tabs. You still need both if you want the full dose of meds. | {
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5,933 | I think it's simply a matter of having people do everything for you. IIRC, some politicians even forget how to drive. | {
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5,934 | Especially if you're fucking a bagel. | {
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5,935 | That's not stupidity. That's stubbornness at its rawest | {
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5,936 | Are you a wanted criminal, or a suspect in an unsolved mystery? Maybe he was trying to scam a DNA sample from you.\n\nPretty crafty, if you ask me... | {
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5,937 | Can you feel it Mr. Krabs?\n\nCan you feel it Mr. Krabs?\n\nCan you feel it Mr. Krabs?\n\nCan you feel it Mr. Krabs? | {
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5,938 | And then, and then, and then, you could say, "I had sex with your mom." | {
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5,939 | The proper term is incognegro \nSource: im black | {
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5,940 | Betty White is older than sliced bread, if that helps. Should be the greatest thing since Betty White... | {
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5,941 | "Are you really the head of the Kwik-E-Mart?" | {
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5,942 | Much obliged. Tits are all over the internet but I've never seen these golden ants before. | {
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5,943 | http://i.imgur.com/5ngXkcW.jpg | {
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5,944 | So young. So innocent. | {
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5,945 | Once you've been married for a while this is almost *exactly* how it works. | {
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5,946 | If I paid $400 for a 'massage' I can guarantee it would last about 15 minutes max. | {
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5,947 | Protip for vomit: I learned you pour cotton candy crystals on it. It soaks up the puke so you can just sweep it up and it makes it smell like strawberry puke. | {
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5,948 | Holy shit, I forgot that I hit the genetic lottery. Now I can initiate phase two:\n\n1.) Smoke less. \n\n2.) Be ambitious. | {
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5,949 | They are, but they're just actually taller than how Hollywood depicts them. | {
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5,950 | Why the fuck am I reading each and every one of these 1 by 1 at 11 at night? I am not a smart man. No sleep for me tonight. | {
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5,951 | The twist of it being the wrong day was what won me over. | {
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5,952 | > Neil De Grasse Tyson\n\nYou really know the way to Reddit's heart. | {
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5,953 | Poocasso's\n\nI'm here for things like this | {
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5,954 | *suddenly eagles everywhere* | {
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5,955 | Do you need two tampons? | {
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5,956 | And re-tell the story about when you did that for the rest of your life. | {
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5,957 | Michael: "You know what? I feel a lot better" Ryan brought me some chocolate pudding, and his kindness healed my foot."\n\nRyan: "I crushed up four extra strength Tylenol and put it in Michael's pudding..." | {
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5,958 | Oh...My...God.....\nOf course you are absolutely invited Tommy, please provide a place to send the invitation. | {
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5,959 | I think this is how my boyfriend won my family over too... Just by being not being my ex and having a car. | {
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5,960 | The doctor is dope, but I've just spent 2 years writing other people's characters, plus I've got my Firefly kickstarter adventure. (See above.) | {
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5,961 | "True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country." -- Kurt Vonnegut | {
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5,962 | Or what she actually wants is to know that you are thinking of her. | {
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5,963 | I *knew* these answers were gonna be straight up grizzly. | {
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5,964 | You are a good person. | {
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5,965 | Ted Roosevelt would hand me my ass in moments.\nHe was a goddamn man and soldier who could kill with his hands.\nLet's remember, I am an actor who is handy with a sopkeshave. | {
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5,966 | AMA request: tooth fairy\n\nWHY DIDN'T YOU SHOW UP | {
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5,967 | You can be the brightest, juiciest peach in the basket and you will still find people who don't like peaches. | {
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5,968 | Cannon: a gun that fires cannonballs and destroys ships\n\nCanon: something that is confirmed by the creator of the show. It too destroys ships.\n\nEdit: thanks for the gold! Now I can get a free month of Chess.com!\n\nDouble Edit: Twice in one day? 2 months of Chess!\n\n[Oh baby a triple!] (http://youtu.be/OQj2L5Zuv9Y) | {
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5,969 | But how else can they show how cool and different they are? | {
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5,970 | >most of the black people\n\n"No, I wouldn't kill Jerome. He's my dawg." | {
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5,971 | No. I hate girls. Well, I do like Peyton and mommy. Peyton is my sister and my mommy is my mommy. | {
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5,972 | I'm not racist, but I just don't like black people. | {
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5,973 | I just got a freedom boner. | {
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5,974 | Antiques Road Show captured how interesting antiques can be not only value wise but historically. They have true professional appraisers, and genuine common people bringing in their possessions. This show absolutely shits on every other "Pawn", "Antique" "Collector" type tv show in my opinion. | {
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5,975 | How many propositions per mile (ppm)? | {
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5,976 | Easy:\n\nYou need new friends. | {
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5,977 | Don't forget your sun block! | {
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5,978 | And no matter how much you shake and dance, the last few drops are in your pants. | {
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5,979 | ude finished my sentence. | {
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5,980 | THIS IS MY TREE NOW, MOTHERFUCKERS. | {
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5,981 | You can think of Anonymous what you want, but sometimes they are really useful | {
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5,982 | Dodged that bullet before it was even fired. | {
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5,983 | He's only a huge dick on American tv because it gets views. In real life he's a fairly respectful and pleasant guy. His UK stuff is much more enjoyable to watch if you don't want to see him being all angry and stuff. He also has a YouTube channel where you can see more what he's usually like tv wise outside of hells kitchen.\n\nEdit - wow my top comment is me stating my opinion on a chef I admire and like. Well I guess I'm okay with that. | {
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5,984 | "I picked the wrong day to quit sniffing glue" | {
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5,985 | Until the kid on top gets pissed off and pulls the cover thus pulling the TV forward, crushing the lower screen player! | {
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5,986 | Too many people have accepted the horrific idea that humanity exists as a means to turn labor into capital. | {
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5,987 | You work with a bunch of opportunists. | {
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5,988 | Dr. Dre is actually legit doctor, no joke.\n\nHe has to take care of some sick beats. | {
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5,989 | Yeah, I'm totally abstaining from women for, like, school and stuff. | {
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5,990 | That's what my girlfriend always says!\n\nSo I tell her she doesnt have to do it when she grows up. | {
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5,991 | Or they're red because he's crying. Everyone's eyes get red when they cry. | {
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5,992 | ...and here we have Hitler disguised as a redditor. | {
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5,993 | My dogs, my health, my family and friends. My sister especially she is the only sibling I have and she keeps relapsing and putting herself in bad situations. luckily i have not had anything bad or super stressful happen in the last 2 years or so and in the past when something really bad or sad happened I could numb myself with drugs. Not anymore so i get scared of such situations cause I am unaware of how to handle them. | {
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5,994 | It's a slippery slope to satanism. And alliteration. | {
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5,995 | I recently got told that a friend of my brother was robbed by a guy wanting his pizza. He was stabbed because there was pineapple on the pizza.\n\nPeople are fucked, man | {
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5,996 | Ooh. That's a good one, although I suspect my mental image of a goth girl in a white lab coat somewhat deviates from the reality. | {
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5,997 | Looks like the capital city layout from every MMO ever. | {
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5,998 | In 2004, actor Colin Farrell told a reporter the size of his penis “ain't nothing to f** king write home about.”\n\nMaybe that makes you feel better? | {
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5,999 | Oh god, it took me a while to understand that you did not mean .exe files. | {
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