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5,700 | Reminds me of this other actual 90's commercial by Sprite for "Sun Fizz". Shit got crazy real quick. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jjK1aUU2Dx4 | {
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5,701 | I have not even been awake 5 minutes yet today. BAM micropenis. | {
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5,702 | Syriasly a great flim -critic #3 | {
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5,703 | This is a good idea, since the bot probably wants to go back to the gold standard anyway. | {
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5,704 | ahhh yes, Descartes. French for "of Cartes". | {
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5,705 | I did. Look up. Or are YOU too stoned? | {
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5,706 | That's a terrible strain on a small business. You sir are a monster. | {
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5,707 | We all know why you didn't say the other thing. ಠ\_ಠ | {
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5,708 | You forgot: fuck each other! Consummation time! | {
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5,709 | If you are cutting chunks out of My brains, you better beleive I'm going to do my best at getting away- even if it means climbing across a beam I can't smell. | {
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5,710 | you know Reddit respects you when they let that "to" slide. | {
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5,711 | > for awhile playing Civilization\n\nSo 2-3 days?\n\n | {
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5,712 | Ha ha ha. You think girls poop. \n | {
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5,713 | We played this game at my highschool, starting out as a joke a month before we graduated. Within a week it was banned. I ended up giving the speech to my graduating class, and had my finger pressed against my ear for the second half of the speech. By the end of the speech, there was a sea of guys with their finger over their ear and a bunch of pissed off staff staring at me | {
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5,714 | HE WENT TO DISNEYWORLD FUCKING. | {
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5,715 | i regularly get blind drunk in pubs twice as old as your country. | {
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5,716 | I do the same thing except I put it in her butt. 99% of the time it leads to me sleeping on the couch. | {
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5,717 | Removal of water as a human right. \nKilling babies in 3rd world countries by incorrectly labeling baby formula/not labeling it in the origin language. \nSuggesting that breast milk was bad for babies and their milk was best. \ndestruction of the rain forest for palm oil and wiping out orangutans. \n | {
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5,718 | Until you finally finish the mile with both your feet amputated from the diabetes you got after the first 20 feet. | {
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5,719 | http://imgur.com/Dc2F7 | {
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5,720 | Depends on how cute she is | {
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5,721 | I thought it was trying to copy its rider, like "AM I DOING IT RIGHT??? IS THIS HOW I WATER???" | {
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5,722 | We *could* all agree that this is what happened OR we *could* agree that OP's house has GHOSTS! | {
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5,723 | So what did Gary Ballcock invent? | {
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5,724 | If I watch the movie "300" twice, am I watching a new movie called "600"? | {
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5,725 | You're super reserved and your name is "Anal Tyrant"??? | {
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5,726 | Could you imagine the bartenders talking to each other, "man these guys are really drunk, I'm not giving them anything else to drink". "I know right? I wonder what's up with these girls though, they keep ordering drinks pretending to be drunk as hell." | {
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5,727 | Dude! Leave my mom out of this, I did nothing to you | {
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5,728 | "And in local news, a man in a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle costume abducted a third-grader from school today, and has not been seen or heard from since..." | {
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5,729 | ...and thousands of Redditors cringe in unison. | {
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5,730 | This is the first thing I thought after reading. | {
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5,731 | As a chick, you will have a shameful harem. \n\n"The odds are good...\nbut the goods are odd"\n\n | {
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5,732 | And her plucky asian/native american transexual indie guitar playing friend | {
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5,733 | 4/5 would recommend it. But so would 5/5. | {
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5,734 | *stares out window*\n\nSure.\n\nWhat is the difference between Georgian and Edwardian architecture again? | {
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5,735 | My girlfriend is going to be very very confused tonight.\n\nThis is going to be awesome. | {
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5,736 | HE SAID, I USUALLY JUST JIZZ ON MY CHEST AND THEN LEAVE IT THERE. | {
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5,737 | Motherfuckin Sherlock Holmes shit, homie. | {
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5,738 | It's being reported that he is alive. he "suffered multiple gashes" but the golf course he crashed on had a couple doctors playing on it and they rushed over. \nBut your point is still very valid. | {
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5,739 | If you're him, and he's me, I must be you! | {
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5,740 | No. It means I have found someone I *intend* to cheat on you with and want to finish with you first so that I can do it guilt free.\n | {
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5,741 | Büstenhalter is one of the only German words I know, because I had to look it up after my dad tried to convince me the word for bra was 'keepemfrumflappen'. | {
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5,742 | How could she possibly use less than an ice cubes worth of water to clean an ice cube? | {
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5,743 | ...*and that was the 86th time I had sex with your Aunt Robin* | {
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5,744 | Well not with that attitude. | {
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5,745 | My coworker is deaf. We have a very loud fire alarm. Whenever there's a drill and everyone is covering their ears, he will sign or text "Guys, it's really not that loud."\n\nAlso, whenever somebody asks him to do something he doesn't want to do, he plugs his fingers into his ears and mouths "LALALALALALA! I CAN'T HEAR YOU!" | {
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5,746 | Uncle Lettuce, you always give the best advice. | {
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5,747 | You also are left with Schrodinger's teacher. You cannot know if your teacher is brilliant, or simply lost your paper. | {
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5,748 | It was incredible! He left everyone dumbfounded. | {
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5,749 | thats what you get for getting banana flavored you faggot | {
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5,750 | shhh, placebos work really really well | {
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5,751 | "Duh."\n\n- everyone who didn't sign up or give them money. | {
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5,752 | I thought it was hilarious. The most I've ever laughed at Dr. Phil | {
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5,753 | Fuck your sister. Cut ties with her and move on. | {
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5,754 | You see, we went very different ways with such an opportunity. | {
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5,755 | So you deny that you are actually white and actually look like Eddie Murphy when he was in white face?\n\nhttps://s.yimg.com/os/publish-images/ivy/2013-09-11/3f5798d4-a0ea-4af2-9734-a7bb3dcf49ec_murphy-white-like-me.jpg | {
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5,756 | Yeah, but then they'd just go around putting their hand out and pinching straws. | {
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5,757 | ...and received some Werther's for his trouble. | {
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5,758 | http://i.imgur.com/ZFSTR.jpg | {
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5,759 | "Hey Bob, got any more calls from that laundromat?"\n"Yeah, they're lasting longer... thank god." | {
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5,760 | > tipped me two pennies\n\nSee, black people ***do*** tip. | {
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5,761 | > it takes a lot of time and money to fix a totaled car.\n\nIt costs considerably less when the labor charge is $0.\n\nEdit: Rest easy all armchair economists, I understand the concept of opportunity cost. It was a kid with significant auto repair experience fixing a relatively recent model year car. It probably took a week or two in his spare time. It's not like he gave up college to fix the car. | {
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5,762 | genius, just made my day | {
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5,763 | If you count your girlfriend banging her ex, you actually got fucked three times. | {
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5,764 | >I made a huge mistake\n\nWell someone is confident. | {
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5,765 | It's the death penalty for everything with these guys. Seriously, kill every sinner on earth, and you kill every last human on earth. | {
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5,766 | Do you need anything? | {
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5,767 | Because it doesn't work. | {
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5,768 | Was questioning why you needed to move a dresser to install windows before realising you probably meant the wall ones, not the software. \n \n*edit: So proud my highest rated comment demonstrates Windows software>actual windows in my home. | {
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5,769 | "If I weren't do you really think I'd say so?"\n\n"Sir, step aside please." | {
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5,770 | "At least I still have the right to vote" | {
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5,771 | > I think Bob handled this very well.\n\nBob should have called security and had her taken out back and shot. | {
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5,772 | Ain't nothing realer than holdin' it down at the Hobby Lobby, arguing on seasonal vs holiday discounting. | {
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5,773 | Was waiting to hear about how she super-glued herself to that spot. | {
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5,774 | Maybe accompanied by a slow-motion replay kill camera. | {
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5,775 | Well, you should probably try to go on more dates to dilute the effect of that date. | {
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5,776 | I'm more annoyed with the fact that the armor is useless against little furry bears throwing rocks at them. | {
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5,777 | Consumer ignorance never fails to surprise. | {
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5,778 | Yes! Why did nobody else ask this?\n\nI used to take handfuls of tokens and throw them on the ground where there were groups of kids. They would wrestle each other for them.\n\nI used to tell all the kids that I hid 1000 tickets in the sky tubes. They'd all go there and it would be nice and quiet for 30 minutes. There were no tickets.\n\nStuff like that. | {
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5,779 | School: You're well aware of how we do things at here at Alcatraz Charter School. God Bless. | {
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5,780 | I've always had a thing for girl mechanics... I have tools and a garage and am perfectly capable of changing my own oil, but I still bring my truck to the local oil change place every now and then because of the cute redhead girl that works there. \n\nEdit: obligatory wow this blew up. Also, to everyone telling me to ask her out, last time I was there I'm pretty sure I overheard her mention a boyfriend to one of the other techs in the shop. | {
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5,781 | Siblings on average share 50% of their gene pool. Unlce/aunt 25%. Cousin 12.5%. Your case <1%. No reason to worry at all. | {
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5,782 | CLEARED FOR MOTHERFUCKING TAKE OFF! | {
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5,783 | And the reason they did is because you use phrases like "adopted brother" instead of just brother. | {
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5,784 | "No, no, no- hand it to the *herald*. I no longer make physical contact with plebians." | {
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5,785 | No, we hate boobs and attractive women, why would you even ask? | {
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5,786 | I don't want to live in a world where my scrotum popping is the best outcome. | {
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5,787 | > so I politely punched them\n\n:O\n\n> in separately. \n\nOh. | {
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5,788 | One day, cats became extinct. | {
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5,789 | What fucking planet is he from where it's acceptable to steal the bride's thunder? | {
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5,790 | Sounds autistic to me.\n\nEdit: Not sure why this is getting downvoted. It's not an insult. I'm a special ed teacher, and common traits in the autistic spectrum are the inability to read social cues. Specifically, someone on the spectrum might talk and talk and talk about something that interests them without noticing that the other person is bored or wants a turn to talk or is choking to death. | {
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5,791 | Step 1: be attractive\n\nStep 2: dont be unattractive | {
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5,792 | NEVER REGRET SHOWING UP AS A GHOSTBUSTER. | {
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5,793 | If you watch again you will see he was actually wearing shorts under his shorts. No pants of any kind were seen here. | {
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5,794 | Yeah, he was a ornery old fart.\n\nMy cousin Jane is JUST like her grandfather too. If she likes you she will move heaven and earth to make you happy or help you. If you slight her, she will do the same to see you suffer.\n\nThankfully we get along great. Well enough that she read that part of the will over the phone to me so I could contribute. :) | {
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5,795 | And then realize that instead of looking up into the sky, you're actually gazing down into the infinite cosmic abyss, with only gravity holding you onto the surface of the earth. | {
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5,796 | Double wow. She also wrote a book entitled *The World of Homosexuals* after finding that she married a homosexual man. In the end it calls for "full and complete acceptance [of homosexuals]—not tolerance and not sympathy."\n\nI think we could learn a lot more than math from this woman. | {
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5,797 | You now have a girlfriend with Iggy Azalea's body and Melissa McCarthy's face. She says she likes long walks, but is actually found overusing the stairmaster at her local gym. She has five dogs of various breeds, one of which is a german shepherd who is too fond of her. On your wedding night, you find out she is a furry. | {
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5,798 | http://i.imgur.com/zQGMU.gif | {
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5,799 | But...those aren't even U.S pennies... | {
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