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5,800 | Sooo... not MS Paint? | {
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5,801 | I was once standing behind a couple of boys who had to be about 12 and one started talking about how his mom doesn't let him have energy drinks but he wasn't going to "listen to that bitch" because he didn't "let anyone tell him what the fuck to do." He thought he was a huge badass for buying a monster energy drink but I was just cracking up the whole time. | {
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5,802 | And the sheer anger with which I masturbate | {
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5,803 | People need to stop pretending they speak French... | {
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5,804 | That's not crazy, that's called ~~natural~~ ~~artificial~~ ~~natural~~ ~~damn it, I don't even know anymore~~ sexual selection.\n\nEdit : rare and sorrow\n\nFinal edit: Fuck this shit, sexual selection is my final answer. | {
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5,805 | Red white and blue is America idiots \n\nEdit: Thanks for the gold! | {
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5,806 | "Remember to only cut off one hand children, as cutting off both hands sees a near 100% drop in productivity." | {
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5,807 | A girl I know often says she got fucked harder in retail than she ever did as a sex worker. | {
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5,808 | not taking off shoes indoors | {
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5,809 | A boy genius that thinks electrons have planetary-like orbits. | {
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5,810 | Fuck, I would listen to [this](http://imgur.com/uEkCkEO) so hard. | {
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5,811 | As terrible as that is, I've cooked for so long that sort of shit doesn't even bother me anymore. People like what they like and it's doubtful they're gonna change. It's when they are petulant demanding assholes about it that gets me. | {
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5,812 | I knew a girl who did that, too, except with a nice little Ranger. It was a couple years old, but had all the bells and whistles, except 4WD. That wasn't good enough for her, so she wrecked it intentionally. She fractured her neck and had to walk around with a cervical collar for a couple months. \n\nAnd then her parents bought her a piece of shit 1980-something Ford Escort. | {
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5,813 | 1) List the steps of the Krebs cycle. \n\nAnswer: God does it.\n\nCorrect\n\n | {
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5,814 | No, Hermione would be the type to fully explore all aspects of sex. She'd be constantly reading about it and wanting to try new things. She might be somewhat clinical, but you'd get to do EVERYTHING with her.\n\nedit: I can't believe my biggest comment in about Hermione being a total sex freak. Okay, just to blow your minds some more, think about this: Not only would Hermione be very exploratory, *she'd want to be* **better than anyone else** *at everything*. | {
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5,815 | Seriously what the fuck was he talking about | {
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5,816 | http://i.imgur.com/77mGq.png | {
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5,817 | The couple that makes fun of each others stays with each other.\n\nSame way with my wife and I. We don't hesitate to tell each other things that we know the other will make fun of us for. Makes for a fun and open relationship. | {
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5,818 | Shit, now *I* miss old Jack. | {
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5,819 | I think she posts headless webcam sessions of herself masturbating on myfreecams.com and just doesn't tell anyone. | {
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5,820 | Why wouldn't you just run it with Lynch? | {
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5,821 | Found the woman.\n\nEdit: Deleted all edits. | {
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5,822 | Three ways never work out, it's like playing 3 player smash brothers. It's always a 1 on 1 with some jerk left out on the other end of the stage just shooting projectiles at the other 2. | {
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5,823 | So that's why Michael Jackson turned white? From all those moon walks? | {
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5,824 | You are completely missing the point.\n\nIt begins with occasionally saying fuck on live tv. Next thing, children will start hearing the word fuck. Next thing, they'll be asking questions about it. And before you know it, sex-ed is accepted and the teenage pregnancy rate will drop. | {
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5,825 | Lol bookings for diving in La Liga | {
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5,826 | That's a fifty-million-dollar Hollywood production with ticket sales of a quarter-billion just waiting to happen. | {
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5,827 | No one ever says that... No one. | {
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5,828 | Not really. Just find the right village and sell all iron daggers you can. | {
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5,829 | use a mirror too so we can see that camera and end the chain | {
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5,830 | Would that be the "Go Fuck Yourself" law of economics? | {
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5,831 | Seems legit, sent $100. Now if you turn out to be stealing money I'll spend another $100 on a machete of my own. | {
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5,832 | In fairness, at age 16, that probably **was** his crowning achievement. | {
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5,833 | How did she let your dad not wear a condom then? You seriously shouldn't be alive. | {
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5,834 | 21 year old senior... Yeah that makes sense. | {
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5,835 | Yeah, well, that's just like, your sententia, man. | {
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5,836 | I never knew there was other Shamus. I've only been to one SeaWorld, and being Canadian and not much of a TV watcher I never saw ads for a Shamu elsewhere.\n\nSan Diego Shamu is where my heart will reside. | {
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5,837 | To be fair, I don't think you prepare for these kinds of situations. | {
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5,838 | They work in the music industry. At first they tried Jazz and a bit of Blues but ended up sticking to Metal | {
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5,839 | I still see this regularly. | {
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5,840 | Not to add insult to injury. .. the place I currently work at sells them for 6.99 | {
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5,841 | Damn the 1%! They get buttsex too? | {
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5,842 | You put the tl;dr at the top, so I ended up reading the whole thing. I feel like I've been tricked. | {
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5,843 | Oh my god, I choked on the ending. Good one. | {
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5,844 | Wow, I believed it up till the end bravo | {
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5,845 | /╲/\╭( ͡° ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° ͡°)╮/\╱\ | {
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5,846 | "No, we aready have cat name that. Dog name is Runch." | {
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5,847 | If I was him I would use it against them. \n"My feet hurt." \n"Yeah my feet hurt too after marching day and night through the valleys on a mission."(?) \nSorry I wasn't military. | {
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5,848 | Either that or "I'm dying and you guys aren't taking me seriously". | {
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5,849 | Descartes is the originator of the phrase "I think, therefore I am."\n\nThe horse said "I don't think I am", meaning he no longer thought he was, therefore he wasn't. Hence why he disappeared.\n\nExplaining the concept first is putting Descartes before the horse, which is what I just did. It is a pun on "putting the cart before the horse". | {
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5,850 | *Hey girl i missed you today let's see whats under that dress* \n\n*Ok ;-)* \n\n*...fuck this shit*\n\nGame changer for sure. \n\n | {
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5,851 | Stop waiting.\n\n**Derail the train.** | {
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5,852 | dirtymousepad is not going to sleep tonight - Terry Crews loved his joke | {
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5,853 | Unless you want them in a specific order I can do this too | {
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5,854 | You wouldn't have gotten far on club penguin | {
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5,855 | He can't find local milfs looking to fuck. | {
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5,856 | He would literally do that. He would put his hand on your shoulder and ask you about your day, what makes you smile, and all about your life. \n\nIf you want to cry like a big baby within the first 10 pages read "I'm Proud of You: My Friendship With Fred Rogers". | {
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5,857 | As a woman, I can confirm this is accurate. \n\nLol. | {
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5,858 | Did you abort the 'g'? | {
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5,859 | Now that you're saying that the resemblance is really astonishing. | {
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5,860 | Except I have a feeling OP is a gril... | {
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5,861 | If they start, bribe them with alcohol | {
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5,862 | I wanna be a cock detective like you when I grow up\n | {
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5,863 | Problem is half the content on reddit consists of 10 word long memes, the first three words of which are standard among 1000 others... "One does not simply... Know what the second half will be." | {
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5,864 | "Sorry I'm late boss... but uh.... I'm on mars time. For science." | {
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5,865 | Rush Holt. Representative from NJ. He's got a PhD in Physics. I have an interview in queue with him for StarTalk radio. Will likely air in march or April. In it we talk about all the Members of Congress who are scientifically literate -- and all those who are not. | {
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5,866 | No, it was definitely Cheney. | {
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5,867 | Yup. Open ocean scares the shit out of me and I'm a sailor. | {
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5,868 | > about 5 minutes from being a hilarious ER story\n\nSounds like a close call. | {
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5,869 | The first time I saw this movie, it was on tv so I figured that the news team he worked for actually censored it. | {
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5,870 | He somehow didn't notice at first. He got home from work, came in the house, sat down, and watched TV. I was in my room thinking "Let him come to me," as if that would change the circumstances of my grounding somehow. But he never came.\n\nIt wasn't until two or three hours later when my Uncle Al came over and asked "What the hell happened to the front of your house?" that all hell broke loose. | {
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5,871 | Or old people who sign every forum post.\n\n-Drawtaru\n\n*Edit.* What I've learned from this: Peter Mayhew can do whatever he damn well pleases. | {
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5,872 | I got a GoPro for Christmas and the only thing I could think to do was attach it to my dog. The problem is that my dog, at the time, was a 14 year old Yorkie. So when I attached the camera she just collapsed and laid there looking miserable. I got some great footage of the kitchen floor though. | {
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5,873 | Reddit.\n\nEdit: Woohoo! | {
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5,874 | Even better, just put your penis in his mouth. | {
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5,875 | I couldn't have been the only person watching Iron Man 3 who absolutely loved the opening scene in the club with this song...\n\n...\n\n...right? | {
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5,876 | Nice try, Pizza Hut owner in Dubuque, IA. | {
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5,877 | It's all beginning to make sense now. | {
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5,878 | It helps that you have a super thick wiener | {
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5,879 | You forgot my favorite\n\nShocked by defibrilator?\n\nBZZZT\n\nGood as new!\n\nBZZZRT\n\nDead\n\nBZZZRT\n\nGood as new! | {
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5,880 | Sorry guys, but unless tomriddle_jr is a 62-year-old female patient who was admitted in October 2005, then his proof of MRI scans is bupkiss. \n\nhttp://neurostudyclub.mcgill.ca/dec2005/dec2005_p6.htm | {
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5,881 | They ended it perfectly about 3 times, I wouldn't mind another perfect ending! | {
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5,882 | Move along, Reddit. \n\nedit: Thanks, guys. Doubled my comment karma with one comment. It's been a blast, going to use it to woo this girl now. | {
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5,883 | "...but who would pay for that."\n\nOddly sad...=\ | {
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5,884 | Never wonder. Always know. | {
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5,885 | Reminds me of the time my girlfriend and I took a city bus. This incredibly gorgeous, petite, Thai girl sat down across from us. She kept giving me these overly conspicuous sexy looks. All I could think was "not now, don't get a boner, don't get a boner." And then she did. | {
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5,886 | Time consuming but genius. Worth it. | {
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5,887 | I do this crazy thing called "not watching the news" and I honestly have no idea who's running for president. | {
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5,888 | To engage in fisticuffs .\n\nEdit: Improved by popular request. | {
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5,889 | Start of inception, Leo washes up on a Beach my friend shouts "What's this? Titanic 2?" | {
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5,890 | When you see one you like, just buy it. If it's good lookin', someone is right behind you ready to snap it up. I find them at Nordstrom (the store and Rack). I have a couple dozen that Beau Ties of Vermont made into bows from straight ties with intriguing patterns. Astronomy2Go is a good source thereof. Right now, I'm diggin' the slimline with arrow points. Ahh... | {
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5,891 | But the blood attracts the customers. | {
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5,892 | Reminds me of the [monkey Jesus](http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2013/08/22/article-2400354-1B46E378000005DC-437_634x478.jpg) fiasco in Spain. | {
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5,893 | Australians seem like the most laid back people on earth. | {
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5,894 | That's kind of the point of these | {
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5,895 | Double standards are a fact of reality.\n\nMen and women *are* different.\n\nExpecting them to be the same, and act the same, and get treated the same is stupidity. | {
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5,896 | You'd go to jail. "Your honor, she was being a huge cunt" should be a viable legal defense. | {
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5,897 | Why do people do that..\nWhen I was 10 and watching movies with my parents, I couldn't even stand the kissing scenes. | {
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5,898 | My mom thought that website was the sole reason the computer was slow not her album of 10,000 photos, or the fact she opens and downloads literally anything she is emailed. | {
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5,899 | That got dark quickly. Sad as hell. | {
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} |
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