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5,000 | In other words, OP is fat enough to bend space-time. | {
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5,001 | This had nothing to do with apple. I got in touch with the government agencies that regulate such matter in the countries that I work with. It's funny, Apple can't sell their own product there unless they go through me. | {
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5,002 | You can't go from suicidal friend story to incest, I can't handle such extreme changes | {
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5,003 | March 16, 19Never-uary - Shaq | {
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5,004 | I think if you asked anyone in my neighborhood to talk about "that one neighbor," they'd talk about her. | {
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5,005 | Similarly....the incessant beeping from your car. "Yes u know the fucking door is open....I'm cleaning the car and want the radio on....shut the fuck up!!!!" | {
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5,006 | The kids in your school were cool because they didn't make fun of him. | {
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5,007 | My wife, my, kids and Home depot. | {
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5,008 | Worked at McDonalds back in the day. Got a job interview at a much better company and took it, it went well and they said they'd call to schedule a second. My boss at McDonalds fired me on the spot when he found out about it. I got the second job a week later but still I lost a week of pay that I really could have used being a poor teenager working at McDonalds.\n\nMoral of the story: don't work at McDonald's | {
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5,009 | I tried taking your advice and it didn't help at all. My phone locked up this morning. I've rebooted my computer 3 times but my phone is still locked up. | {
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5,010 | >...before we all had cell phones | {
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5,011 | Remember: Lock the door, get on the floor, everybody do the dinosaur. | {
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5,012 | Morgan Freeman plays Basketball? | {
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5,013 | It seems like my whole childhood was spent at auctions but until now it never occurred to me: the auctioneer is a *salesman* | {
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5,014 | "Incoooooomminnnnggggg!!" | {
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5,015 | There was a moment last night, when she was sandwiched between the two Finnish dwarves and the Maori tribesmen, where I thought, "Wow, I could really spend the rest of my life with this woman". | {
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5,016 | when the women's bathroom is occupied, girls just go to the men's room in my school. i live in France tho, so that might have something to do with it | {
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5,017 | When I learned the difference between a show-er and a grow-er, goodness me. | {
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5,018 | I just remembered what I was like at that age. He is 21 now and I am still not a grandad. I must be doing a few things right. | {
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5,019 | lol like when you get ID'd at the liquor store and you hand them your Library card/Costco Card/Credit Card/etc. | {
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5,020 | Well did you know....\n\nTechnically, we are all 1/2 centaur?\n- nick offerman | {
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5,021 | This is the first time on reddit I've wondered if someone is talking about me. I'm not 50ish but I haven't aged well let's say, so it's not a stretch. | {
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5,022 | GG RPG: Could be professional model, decides to raise awareness for aortic health | {
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5,023 | I'm gonna pretend you're the New York Knicks! | {
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5,024 | "Well, you don't need a million dollars to do nothing, man. Take a look at my cousin: he's broke, don't do shit." | {
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5,025 | See also: Olympic games | {
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5,026 | There are actually a huge number of industries that only exist because their old users haven't died off yet. | {
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5,027 | http://media4.giphy.com/media/BMTzHbtf96few/200w.gif | {
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5,028 | Knock, knock.\n\n*Who's there?*\n\nJason.\n\n*Jason who?*\n\nPlease unlock the door, Mom, you need to take your medicine.\n\n | {
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5,029 | Or because we have anywhere from 2 minutes to an hour to kill. | {
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5,030 | People with celiac are the real winners in this trend. Almost every restaurant I go to now has multiple gluten-free options on the menu.\n\nEdit: [Relevant xkcd](http://xkcd.com/641/) | {
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5,031 | It is not the cream that rises to the top, but the Kurds. | {
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5,032 | Or a mechanical, wooden rover with Nordic flags on it. \n\n"Fucking vikings beat us again" | {
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5,033 | The Lord Of The Rings | {
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5,034 | Well I was handed over to the British embassy in Baghdad, the very first thing I saw on tv was Lady Gaga - I did not know what this was about :-) It was very strange seeing myself on all the news channels | {
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5,035 | The fork on a chain makes me irrationally angry. | {
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5,036 | Oh yes. Definitely. And I really never got over it. | {
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5,037 | I knew a woman who said the same thing happened to her, but she was camping alone in the Canadian wilderness. When she got her photos developed, there were pictures of her in her sleeping bag. One of the creepiest stories I have ever heard. | {
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5,038 | Their murders will only cause more pens to denounce the backward people that are doing these anti-social things.\n\nYou can fight progress with violence for only so long before you yourself are utterly obliterated by what you are attempting to stymie. | {
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5,039 | Really hard ones too, with old timey words and cursive chicken scratch. | {
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5,040 | They do this thing in some countries where men will kiss each other on the cheek when greeting or parting. But sometimes you get confused about whether to go right or left first, then the other guy gets confused, there's a little halting back and forth, and they you accidentally suck his dick. | {
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5,041 | just don't become a lawyer. I have a number of lawyer friends that can't find jobs because they are dime a dozen these days. | {
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5,042 | It was probably the best thing to happen to me TBH. | {
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5,043 | He was genuinely being a good guy about it.\n\n"I really want to get with Tauriel, but if she doesn't feel that way, I'll still be her elf-bro and not a whiney little bitch." | {
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5,044 | So here I am\ndoing eeeeeverything I can\nholding on to what I am\npretending I'm a supermannnnn | {
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5,045 | This would have been Spielberg's magnum opus, but would have been a giant undeserved 'Fuck You' to H.G. Wells. \n \nEDIT: *magnum* opus | {
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5,046 | Whoa buddy!! G rated ONLY! \n\nBetter warn somebody with a PG rating next time! ...burning ducks. | {
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5,047 | I don't have to shave, which is AWESOME | {
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5,048 | The best lie ever told | {
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5,049 | Maybe start keeping them there? | {
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5,050 | Also, they were both hamburgers. | {
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5,051 | This is a worst birthday thread damnit! | {
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5,052 | Jamie hyneman is Iron man. It all makes sense now. | {
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5,053 | Scrolling through a thread, delighted, \nPicking posts to read, excited, \nThere a comment, uninvited, \nBared the special signs:\n\n*Sexy tale of sweet-devising;* \n*Sordid spicy spiel surprising;* \n*Saucy scandal slowly rising* \n*Through its lewd designs -*\n\n'Yes!' I thought with passion peaking; \n'Just precisely what I'm seeking!' \nMoments later, sadly speaking: \n\n'... fucking Valentine's.'\n | {
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5,054 | The pistol OMG the pistol is still in the bedside drawer!!!!! | {
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5,055 | GRASS SAVER APPLY DIRECTLY TO THE GRASS\n\nGRASS SAVER APPLY DIRECTLY TO THE GRASS\n\nGRASS SAVER APPLY DIRECTLY TO THE GRASS\n | {
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5,056 | Do people pay you $8 a month to watch it? | {
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5,057 | Cash money right there.\n\n~~Unless~~ Especially if it's black. | {
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5,058 | You....you added her on facebook?!\n\nDude she only accepted so you would fap to her pictures instead of RAPING HER | {
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5,059 | Dude, free BBQ?! I and all 3 of my fat friends would have loved to come to this party. Next time, invite some big folks too :D | {
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5,060 | Are you the girl that has sex with dogs mentioned earlier? | {
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5,061 | Working as a cashier, when someone decides to buy two packs of gum, costing a total of $2.14. They hand me a medium-sized jar of pennies, and I'm required to count them all out. 143 pennies. I let them know that they still have 71 cents to pay, so they hand me a $100 bill.\n\nThe fuck, man. | {
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5,062 | Person 1 isn't making a decision either... Anywhere is fine then anywhere is fine.\n\nEDIT: I'm glad some of the people who reply me are never going to be the person who drop me off at the mall.\n\nEDIT 2: I just beat my personal comment Karma-Highscore! Yeay! | {
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5,063 | (╯°□°）╯︵ ┻━┻\n\n$ノ( ^ _ ^ ノ) | {
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5,064 | >just torturing me\n\nThat's hot | {
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5,065 | Volume is inversely proportional to number of fucks given | {
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5,066 | She did that on purpose. | {
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5,067 | Sounds like the porn version of Goldilocks. | {
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5,068 | Also before doing all of this, place lawn gnomes in random areas that he frequents. For example, he goes to your local coffee shop a lot? Put one there. After he leaves, take it and put it somewhere else where'll see it. Do this for a couple weeks, *then* do the speaker room thing. He'll shit bricks. | {
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5,069 | How about instead of tipping, we pay wait staff living wages and build it into the cost of the meal/services? I'm tired of paying twice for something that is paid for once in other civilized nations.\n\nedit: for those of you calling me a communist, how does this relate to communism other than being tangentially pro-labor?\n\nedit2: for those of you saying this is a circlejerk, go home to mommy and cry about it, because you've contributed nothing to this conversation. | {
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5,070 | Yup. Had my colon and rectum removed at the same time. Sometimes I have issues with phantom rectum. Basically, occasionally my brain like to lie to my imaginary butthole about needing to poop. Nothing will happen of course, but just going through the motions of acting like I'm about to take a dump will make the feelings pass. | {
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5,071 | I have no time to answer your questions - AMA. | {
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5,072 | FUCK YOU TO...oh wow, that's very mature of you. Good luck to you too. | {
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5,073 | No. I am big supporter of reason as a way of life and of thought. But I do not join movements or attend rallys. Often they got bogged down in group-think. Something I assiduously avoid in life. | {
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5,074 | "I like to put my penis in old ladies and ejaculate" \n-Ben Franklin | {
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5,075 | I'd like to believe it is two wizards battling underground in the NYC sewers. | {
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5,076 | Or they could just not actually drink whatever liquid they put in there and just pretend to drink it (otherwise known as "acting")\n\nEdit: [Oh what fresh hell is this...](http://i.imgur.com/7ro9WzU.png) | {
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5,077 | It seriously looks like he's about to stop an introduce a video that you watch in health class. | {
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5,078 | They choose the perfect amount of lanes so that you have to wait long enough that it pisses you off but not so long that you leave to go to another store. | {
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5,079 | Not a historian, but I recall learning about several instances where the Kurds got screwed by western allies. \nHowever, in this instance I feel that they did not get invited to avoid pissing off Turkey. Inviting them would give them credence as being a nation, which if my geography is correct is not what the government of Turkey wants. | {
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5,080 | haha well the cops said they couldnt do anything without more evidence, so I got them more evidence.\n | {
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5,081 | "It's better to pay the grocer than the doctor." - Italian saying. | {
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5,082 | Always that one murderer ruining it for all the perfectly nice reasonable murderers. | {
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5,083 | You are a minor. He is an adult. *Who works at a school with other minors.*\n\nListen to hunter and go to the police. | {
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5,084 | I want to do that little text thing where people make suspicious eyeballs, but I don't know how.\n\nEdit: Evidently you can be dumb and still get gold! Thanks! | {
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5,085 | Are you ok with this? Because if you were a girl, I'm sure I don't have to tell you that people would say you were being taken advantage of. \n\nSo I'm saying it - look, you're being taken advantage of. | {
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5,086 | That sounds hilarious.\n\nIf I were a billionaire, I'd buy up tons of midnight TV airtime, and run movies that look just like porn, except the plumber really does fix the pipes and leave, and the teacher really does just punish the student and teach her math. I'd even hire porn stars to play the roles. I will disappoint *everyone*. | {
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5,087 | So you still associate with your parents? Ever asked them "hey, what the shit?" | {
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5,088 | you beat me by 9 minutes, although I beat you by 3 kleenexes | {
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5,089 | "AAAAAHHHHOHMYGODCANIMAKEITACROSSTHESTREETFUCKTHISISAHUGESTREETTHEFUCKISTHAT" Bam. Hit by a car. I imagine they think in run-on sentences. | {
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5,090 | Dude you have to try it. Evolution feels *amazing* | {
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5,091 | > Slim Jim's where the package cannot be ripped open.\n\nOne does not rip into a Slim Jim. One snaps into a Slim Jim.\n\nHave some couth you dirty cur. | {
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5,092 | Jesus Christ, this is the best one. Where did you get the cane from? | {
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5,093 | He's still on the roof. | {
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5,094 | great response from the principal. | {
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5,095 | A guy sitting at a command post when he gets a text:\n\n"Lol, gettin da shit blown outta us. Send rein4ments ASAP! YOLO!" | {
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5,096 | Right in the self esteem..... | {
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5,097 | "Pass me that joint." | {
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5,098 | Tax dollars and overdue fines? | {
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5,099 | Kids' reasoning and logic skills are amazing and hilarious. \n\nPenis missing? Clearly a shark is at fault, here. | {
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