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3,000 | I would argue Bill Murray is the actual hero there. | {
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3,001 | Its "hi, how are you?"\n\nEdit: and yes, i am kinda high! | {
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3,002 | That fact goes WAY further back than that. You're the first in a line of fathers that goes back through every stage of evolution to the beginning of sexual procreation! \n\nFrom your DNA's perspective, you're the first failure in 3 and a half billion years. | {
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3,003 | SMASH ME LIKE ONE OF YOUR FRENCH GIRLS | {
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3,004 | LOL.\n\nHowever I do bring good tidings! I'm two years early. | {
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3,005 | Like that ever fucking stopped people from having kids. | {
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3,006 | Backpack game on point | {
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3,007 | Unidan has Tourettes now I guess. | {
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3,008 | "Like I was trying to start a lawnmower" \n\nBEST. VISUAL. EVER. | {
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3,009 | windows 7 does not have the windows store, windows 10 does. | {
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3,010 | I guess he took the hypocritic oath. \n \nI'll see myself out. | {
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3,011 | Welcome to Reddit, Mr. President. | {
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3,012 | In the pop world that's mad impressive. | {
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3,013 | You know what,\nYou don't just win the internet for today, you win LIFE for today. And hell, since I'm not working over the weekend, you get to keep your trophy for a few days.\n\n*Edit: Due to popular demand, you have won life, for ever.\nKeep up the good work. :) | {
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3,014 | Hey man, the world isn't so #000000 and #FFFFFF | {
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3,015 | You die only to be transported into a husk of a world where you slowly die over and over again until you lose your sanity. Yeah I'll pass. | {
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3,016 | I think Breaking Bad ruined that name for me. | {
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3,017 | That's because risk avoidance supplanted innovation as the driving force of "progress"\n\n*Except all that crazy one way trip to mars stuff* | {
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3,018 | You're right. If they got this under $1000 I'd buy one. Not even using a throwaway. \n\nI've had plenty of girls in my time, I've got nothing to prove to myself. I've got disposable income, so why not buy a super high end sex toy? | {
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3,019 | That's just cool everyone. Thank you. | {
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3,020 | Along the same lines, if you meet an asshole in the morning, you met an asshole. If you run into assholes all day long, you're probably the asshole. | {
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3,021 | WAKE UP! HICCUP! WHY'D YOU LEAVE THE KEYS UPON THE TABLE? YOU WANTED TO! | {
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3,022 | http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alexander_Graham_Bell | {
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3,023 | The moments of truth in woodworking: \n\n1) When you flood your finished wood with oil, and the grain, color and figure jump out like a visual lung-full of opium smoke (so I've read).\n\n2) When the piece you have wrought comes into use. The canoe, the table, the canoe paddle, the pipe, the cribbage board.... when you rest your steak and your whiskey upon the table you have made, you feel pretty goddamn tall for keeping those treats off the ground.. | {
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3,024 | We? Daft? Something seems fishy here... I smell a dirty red coat | {
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3,025 | Would that be a gay pride? | {
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3,026 | If you seek him out and have a meeting, I'll give you a buddy pass from the airline I work at. | {
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3,027 | > They made him promise not to tell anyone, so he only told me and a few dozen other people.\n\nSolid friend. | {
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3,028 | All of my children were conceived in a walk in freezer, my ex-wife. | {
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3,029 | Best part was that it went on for almost two months before someone told me. Kid asks me to turn down the music and I was just like um...pretty funny though. | {
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3,030 | Her milkshake brings all the boys to the yard | {
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3,031 | Even really bad people aren't bad all the time | {
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3,032 | > Looked like a 12 year old girl about to pounce on me.\n\nnice\n\n | {
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3,033 | /u/Detective-Mittens- cracks another case. | {
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3,034 | it comes down to the fact that if you do it that well, and eventually get caught, there'll be hell toupee | {
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3,035 | "Any final words?" \n\nUGH | {
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3,036 | White, because he didn't get arrested. | {
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3,037 | hahaha YOU KNOW WHAT I MEANT!! | {
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3,038 | No. Dogs are social creatures, they hunt and live in packs. Cats are programmed for solitary survival if necessary. \n\nI like to think that while the dog is protecting you, the cat is also meaning well. He/she is just making sure your sacrifice was not in vain. | {
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3,039 | How about they publish this: http://i.imgur.com/r3zQF0G.png (NSFW, probably NSFL if you are a thin-skinned Muslim)\n\ne: some people obviously think I made this. I did not, sadly. I don't know the author, however. | {
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3,040 | They're like T Rex rats. | {
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3,041 | A truely timeless tale of love. | {
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3,042 | Your wish is my command. Here. http://i.imgur.com/9c9jt.jpg | {
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3,043 | "Oh fuck, I could have just bought a $1000 desktop and $500 laptop instead." | {
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3,044 | I hope Zach Braff sees this. | {
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3,045 | You have a cat nerd. Doesn't really get sports or bars, but great with high energy physics problems. | {
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3,046 | I had a teacher like that, we called him fired. | {
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3,047 | That's all incredibly reasonable. It's not really going to have any effect at all. | {
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3,048 | 30 years from now you will be telling some Hmong kids to getting off your lawn with an m1. | {
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3,049 | Did you break your arm? Were you particularly frustrated about it? | {
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3,050 | Fuck, I would have beat you fuckers. \n\nI'm great with children. | {
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3,051 | That was just the beginning \n\nEDIT: Karma Puberty just hit me like a truck!\n\nEDIT2: THANKS FOR THE GOLD! I need to find a new life goal now. | {
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3,052 | That motherfucker better wife you so hard. | {
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3,053 | No. That's Adrian. I'll tell him thanks for you. | {
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3,054 | "get the dog one too" | {
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3,055 | crossfit in a nutshell. | {
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3,056 | Or reenact past conversations that you weren't happy with. \n\nEdit: Jokes on you I didn't even want gold. | {
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3,057 | "Keep cool, do not freeze." says my mayonnaise jar. | {
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3,058 | We can finally just have virtual politicians run on corporate servers. | {
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3,059 | http://imgur.com/IedFb | {
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3,060 | That's something you should probably ask *before* sex. | {
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3,061 | Year five, month 4, day 14\n...\n\nTimmy has become self-aware | {
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3,062 | Fuck it we'll do it live. | {
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3,063 | For sure...it happens in movies, too, bit sitcoms are the most guilty...single mom, works at a NYC coffee shop, totally flash 2 bedroom apartment in Manhattan.\n\nWhy were you watching Transformers 4?\n\nEdit: Catching grief from fighting robot lovers, too...my issue is less with the "Transformers" and more with the "4". We should have learned our sequel limit with the Police Academy films and Bobcat Goldthwait (sp.). | {
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3,064 | Wingman of the century. | {
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3,065 | "Everything changed when the Car Nation attacked..." | {
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3,066 | Now I'm imagining them sitting down to eat, smiling politely and then all just grabbing and maniacally chugging huge gallon glasses of water, spilling down their faces and shirts as they desperately try to drown the dry hand of death they had been ignoring for the past 4 hours. | {
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3,067 | Yes. Is there another way? | {
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3,068 | Yeah, but I would have a 13 inch head start over myself at all times. Give or take a decimal point | {
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3,069 | I was so sure it was a dildo at first... | {
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3,070 | I hope he finds OP and screams at her tits after signing them. | {
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3,071 | TIFU of the year more like | {
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3,072 | I mean. \n\nI was playing League this new years and wished everyone in /all Happy New Years before I turned to my SO and wished her Happy New Years.\n\nI probably need better priorities. | {
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3,073 | Who are you to judge? It's is his life. | {
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3,074 | I feel like regardless of skill level, it's just a matter of time before free soloing will kill you. | {
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3,075 | Well that was brilliant. Pretty sure that was also the first time I've ever laughed *with* Fox newscasters. | {
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3,076 | Ask Hitler or Napoleon. | {
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3,077 | M m m m m m monster Kill! | {
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3,078 | Wow, that's amazing. Imagine if they took a part of my penis and put it on my hand. Imagine holding hands with your girlfriend in public, shaking hands with clients, hugging your grandmother... | {
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3,079 | **SPACESTURBATION IS CONFIRMED.** | {
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3,080 | > シ\n\nHe seems nice. | {
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3,081 | Uncooked pop tart??!?!?! Come on!! | {
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3,082 | This some grade A 4chan level of autism right here | {
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3,083 | Ride the karma train... irl? Seems unethical but has to work. | {
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3,084 | Not at all. I knew I had a lot of punching to do the next day :) | {
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3,085 | a crackhead who can't smoke pizza. | {
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3,086 | We drank powdered milk growing up. It was terrible. Sometimes my mom would mix a bit of cream in to make it taste better. It didn't work. UGH. Thanks for bringing up this painful memory. | {
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3,087 | i think based on my looks, most people would expect just squeaking sounds | {
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3,088 | And you have just completed the test on being a father!\nYou made five jokes that your kid will faceplam at. \nEdit: Who knew, a misspell could take you so far in life\n | {
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3,089 | Nicholas Cage looks like a hostage in every fan photo taken with him. | {
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3,090 | Assholes. Then you could have died a hero. Now who knows how youll die. It may be some super stupid way like tripping on toiletpaper. | {
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3,091 | 11.99 gets me a 30 pack of High Life cans in Nebraska. But I have to live in Nebraska :( | {
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3,092 | Inspirational quote of the decade.\n\nedit:[Here you go reddit ](http://imgur.com/h2jQq) | {
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3,093 | Good idea. I would also pretend not to recognize him and then I would say:\n\nWait a minute. I know you. You're Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. You used to play basketball for the Los Angeles Lakers. | {
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3,094 | Do you want your daughter to become a stripper? Because that's how she becomes a stripper. | {
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3,095 | I'm typing for us both. We're in our PJ's. | {
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3,096 | "Son... I think it's about time I told you about the birds and the bees... and *the bush*..." | {
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3,097 | http://i.imgur.com/HjqzjJV.jpg | {
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3,098 | I knock em dead\n\nEdit: Thanks for the gold! | {
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3,099 | Good night everyone, see you all tomorrow. | {
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