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these few day my mother ha been telling me how much of a disappointment i am and i totally agree with her i only bring bad energy in the house and i always mess something up for the year i ve been alive i haven t made positive impact on my mother life or society i wan na die | 1 |
i ve made multiple post of this same topic a a way to seek help wherever i can i have no desire to be alive anymore everyday i wake up i think of way of taking my life because i have lost every single friend who wa ever important to me i am year old black non passing transwoman who decided to begin transitioning at i ve gotten to the point of getting my name changed but now i feel that it may have all been a mistake it s not that i feel like i m not trans anymore but that i can no longer take the pain and judgment of being trans i wa taking seven pill a day with hormone and had a huge increase in emotional irregularity anxiety and stress i embarrassed myself in several way to friend that i valued and after two month of reckless sex and drug abuse i found everyone around me pushing me away it s been six month since my last suicide attempt and everyday i wake in pain of missing my friend a i relive all the thing that happened i just want to end it all i want to try to repair the friendship but a large part of me feel thing may never be the same again i also want to just move on but the guilt i feel may live inside me forever i really don t know what to do at this point | 1 |
third post on this subreddit from this account most day are anxiety inducing i spend the majority of my life in my bed no job struggling to complete my coursework or even just to take a shower a of the last year these day that i have struggled with since i wa ten have become many and far in between i wake up dreading the fear that the day will bring the argument the pain and the inevitability of my own suicide i know one day the suffering will be too much to bear and without doubt i will hurt many people i have felt for month that day is getting closer than ever a few day when the argument subside and i feel a little more hopeful about where my life is going i am filled with a passion and love for everything about life that i hate i want to strive to get a job get my license succeed in college again reach out to people and take care of myself in way that i can t bear to do usually i still have hope i crave to escape the hole that i am in but it feel inescapable whenever i try to turn my life into something more positive i am met with another detrimental setback that put me at square one all over again it make me fear being happy because i know those period will only last a few day at most i feel so desperate to not feel miserable i really don t want to die but i am sick of this cycle i see other people so content in loving relationship with family and i crave it so badly i feel helpless to my own circumstance and i am unsure of how to get better | 1 |
i can t do this anymore i genuinely can t it s gotten to the point where everything is too difficult and i want to quit i have severe panic attack when i can t cut deep enough i just relapsed and it wasn t even worth it the cut weren t deep enough it doesn t even matter i don t want to be here anymore it s just an endless cycle of nonstop difficulty every night it s the same thing the day seem to blend together what doe it matter anymore if i m here the world will still turn i ve never made that much of a difference who would even care i m exhausted please let me rest | 1 |
it seems like it s just who how i am that s making me this miserable i ve tried it all it just seems hopeless | 1 |
how do you get over it | 1 |
i attract awful people into my life because i myself am an awful person i m not oblivious to the fact that i m flawed i keep going back and forth on wether i should become a better person because everyone that ha ever done anything great wa actually a monster with sharp fang the duality of life in human consciousness often torment me and i always feel pulled in either direction causing me to have suicidal thought i try to be good people pick me apart and peel my scab i give into darkness and the universe reward me with earthly delight while my soul weeps the price is the concept of becoming a better person just used to keep u all docile i yearn to return to my eternal sleep but i have these idea that life is worth living simply because the other side is where we go when we do not dream nothing no thing even now i can not decide whether i want to live or die which just go to illustrate the main point of this post this life is a mess of confusion the emphasis on being a good person make me feel like shit for the person i am yet assimilation look to me like narcissistic delusion no good deed go unpunished the path to hell is paved with good intention is the only to bring true good into this world through evil fuck having a brain | 1 |
i tried several time to write a suicide note but i kept giving up because i realized im actually going through with it so what doe it matter lol im going to be dead ill never love or feel again not that i ever really felt anything anyway lol i ate some orange chicken and rice and some granola bar with frosting lmao and some mandatory energy drink of course i watched some high school dxd and lit some paper on fire now im listening to obscure hex cult music from brazil staring at the wall i can feel the noose in my closet waiting for me im coming sweetheart dont worry just want to throw something into the void first lol i tied it up and everything already put my head in twice it itchy a fuck lol plus it throwing weird rope dust everywhere idk lol shoutout to spaceghostpurrp and domd and hi c and evaboy and idk lol we out fr lmao goodbye to every human being on earth and every animal and anything that ever hurt inside hopefully we all find love in the end | 1 |
i wish i could end all these exhaustion there is no way to fix my situation and thing are getting worse day by day | 1 |
im sorry im so fucking sorry i don t know why i act this way im so fucking angry and im so fucking sad that it hurt but i wish you would understand why i act the way i do im sorry i feel so sick i wish i never met my abuser i wish i could just act how i should i wish i didn t treat everyone like shit im manipulative im awful im terrible im disgusting i deserve to bleed out im sorry please i would beg for your forgiveness but i know i d just end up doing it again if you were my friend again i can t stop cutting myself i can t finish my food i can t stop cry i am so sad i am so tired it hurt it hurt so bad i deserve the karma i am going to get for treating ppl this way | 1 |
i m just so scared of the future i m making specific scenario of me getting hurt by someone i love and each time it usually end up with me wanting to or actually killing myself i say i don t want to kill my self at the moment but what about the future | 1 |
there too much evidence too many coincidence to many alignment god is on my side when i say that i m supposed to die of suicide and i am the only person who ha the decide whether or not i deserve to die i can justify it too | 1 |
my life is meaningless im a junior in high school don t know what i wan na do when i grow up my whole friend group is senior who all are leaving me and moving away to knew college they don t know this but their quite literally the only reason im even alive right now they give me motivation to wake up in the morning the day im alone and don t see them im always just depressed it s almost like their my medicine i just know once i finally move away to be on my own im going to end my life so i just would rather not delay the inevitable i don t even think my friend would care that much they ve already told me thing about killing my self a a joke not knowing the state im in and it s really not their fault i know their just joking and that they mean no harm by it it s just that im obviously fucked up in the head i sometimes would just rather wish that i d get into a almost deadly car accident that wasn t my fault just so i can maybe appreciate life more id also like to know how my friend and love one would react to see if they d actually care i think about this a lot when im driving and it tends to make me speed and drive recklessly i just want a reason to live honestly | 1 |
feeling really cynical about it my life is a fucking mess been two week i don t sleep getting crazier and crazier everyday but don t have any room for taking care of myself because of a 0h week study contest to come and even my weekend being splitted between people i need to see right now just thinking i ll kill myself after all these contest if i don t blow up before then taking rest is a no no i have diagnosed disability that my teacher don t care about dying seem like my only escape and comforting thought | 1 |
hello all i am m and i have come here to share something that ha been bothering me for a lot of year now i hate they way i look i did not win the genetic lottery by any mean and it make we wana kill myself to be honest i have never been on a date and never had a girlfriend yea you can laugh it s all cool look do matter and it s the truth this personality matter thing is all bullcrap people are attracted towards good looking people especially woman it feel really sad and lonely to be unloved realising that i will never have a loved one or even if i do she might cheat on me because of the way i look is unbearable i barely have anyone to talk to i thought i would share this here i wish i die in my sleep that s all i wish for each day | 1 |
ha oh god i don t know why i m laughing so much i think if i could feel anything i would be scared i m laughing and i m cry i don t know what to do i think my friend is suicidal scrap that i know they are and the problem is i m kind of suicidal too i see no point in life but i ve become sort of stuck in a rut of repressed emotion for a while i feel nothing so i have no desire to do anything let alone to kill myself but i m worried they do they said they would see me tomorrow so i don t think they re going to do it tonight they said they want to but they see no point because they always fail i don t know what to do i cant ask for help for them because i promised confidentiality and i know the pain of that trust being broken i can t do that to them that is not an option i know they re safe for tonight the only problem is i don t know how to make them feel better or if i can i m terrible at comforting people at the best of time and now i m half asleep and i think i m a little triggered for context my dad used to always tell me he wa going to kill himself if i left him and he would detail how worthless he wa and way he would kill himself and sometimes he would sh and almost attempt in front of me a well a me being suicidal myself on multiple occasion so it s a touchy subject i don t need people telling me to call the police or tell anyone else i need advice on how to make them feel better i can t bear the thought of one of my friend feeling how i feel or rather how i ve felt it s fucking torture and they do not deserve that shit they said they can t talk because they feel like an attention seeker and i tried to reassure them but i m crap at it please i m begging you give me some advice something i can do to make them feel better the thought of them in pain is agonising they don t deserve that i just need some idea on what to do what to say please | 1 |
i am feeling too depressed to type much my brain and body are so slow it s like they re shutting down i am just so tired of feeling this way i want it to stop so badly | 1 |
fuck it s just perfect torture god i could not make it any better myself honestly i give credit to those torturing me y all made me just perfectly susceptible for this shit in my hell odd why a god make a person a he device their hell why make them in the first place and why make them do what you would punish them for this post like everything will not help but if get the stuff off my mind | 1 |
i have no one i m alone that s why abuser target me no one care about me if i had someone that wouldn t happen | 1 |
my last post goodbye | 1 |
headed out to a state with lax gun law considering buying an over under in cash at a walmart with a box of 00 the thought keep running through my mind i fantasize and visualize how i will do it and where to not be found i m probably gon na throw away all my unsightly possession tomorrow before i head out i am suffering | 1 |
anybody just let me know i m here to listen and meet new people | 1 |
i highly expect to get a lot of pushback on this one but hear me out for year i ve been in a horrible mental space with no hope of getting out the way i see it i never consented to being here i no longer desire to live on this planet and i m scared to do the deed myself a far a i m concerned either my mom or dad should be required to take me out since they re the one who brought me into this world fin | 1 |
i ve been trying to find a day best to off myself i wa being cautious of my family s birthday and holiday and my birthday seems to fit perfectly in the timeline a to not ruin their coming day i just don t see the point in life honestly what is the point in living i m too depressed to practise to go to lesson to take care of myself to do anything and even if i wasn t too depressed to do these thigs what is the fucking point do you know how humiliating it is when people see potential in you but you re too fucking depressed to try it make me even more depressed knowing im a wasted potential look at me now gloating about this shit this is why i hate myself honestly my birthday is the worst day of the year for me i absolutely despise it but knowing i can plan my death for my birthday is indescribably peaceful i hate how even the thing i used to enjoy doing are a chore everything is just a fucking chore typing this is a fucking chore i hate the fact that the one person who wa preventing me can t even give me doubt now depression just build onto itself it build and tower and then it fucking collapse on you | 1 |
i had so many suicidal thought last night while i wa driving to try to make myself feel better i thought drowning is scary but i can go put my car in the river and drown then i went well let s look up to see what medication we have that might do it i m just so tired i ve tried so many different medication at this point i do therapy nothing ha worked i m still holding onto a little sliver of hope thing won t always be this way maybe one day i can keep my house clean all the time maybe one day i won t be so stressed and anxious maybe one day i ll be able to stay consistent and do well at my job if feel like it s further and further away i also just believe i m a total fucking failure at and discredit all the thing i ve done because it s just not good enough to me i don t know how to stop the negative self talk oh and i m also sometimes hearing voice lately sometimes i know they re not there real other time they sound like they re right next to my window or in my house i really wish i could just not exist for a week or a month why can t i just shut it all fucking off for a while i even just had a nice date with my partner and i m already back to thinking well i should still kill myself soon | 1 |
i hate myself this probably sound cringey but i do i hate myself my friend call me fat a a joke and id like to take it a a joke but i can t i can t i can t i can t i feel like they hate me i have no evidence they do but i hate myself i m worthless i can t even describe myself without wanting to kill my self all my friend are either small and skinny or lanky i m chubby but they make me feel awful they joke about me behind my back i have a true friend well i hope he s true that tell me this even though i ask him to do it i don t want after each joke i hear i want to die i can t tell anyone that would rope them into my mess and i m probably the least suspecting person to think this because i ve been faking a smile for year since i wa 0 at 0 year old i wanted to die hate myself i don t know who to blame but me i m useless i had a failed suicide attempt at age at fucking i tried to slit my own wrist i m only here because i love my parent and my dog but a soon a they die i have nothing but my own thought which i feel like are against me | 1 |
not sure why i m doing what i m doing not sure why i m writing this it feel like there s no point in doing anything i am not happy currently and i will not have a future so why do i do anything i try to push all my problem to the back of my mind but that doesn t fix anything i still question what the point of doing anything is i m so happy i defeated this super hard bos in this game but what greater purpose doe defeating that bos have what greater purpose doe completing a video game have fundamentally i do not enjoy life so all i m doing by playing game is distracting myself it doesn t matter if said game i played add to my knowledge or expands my worldview because i know i will kill myself in the future right now i m just on autopilot for year i ve tried not to think about my problem and had hope that thing would get better but i had false hope thing haven t gotten better there s only a slim chance thing will ever get better i wish i realised this sooner maybe the fact people keep repeating that one generic line thing will get better wa why i believed they would now i ve learned hope is nothing but a coping mechanism im just so frustrated that my consciousness wa ever brought into existence why couldn t i have stayed in the void now i see no point in doing anything i m just floating here unsure of what direction to go in i m unsure if there is any point in watching a movie letalone making any meaningful decision i m stuck in limbo i told myself i d wait this year out at least but i m starting to see there s really no point in prolonging the inevitable so why am i here writing this not sure what this will do not sure about anything | 1 |
long story short i haven t been feeling well for the past two week i think it s a depressive episode the day befroee yesterday i wa already damn done with life but yesterday wa my final straw i have only seriously had suicidal thought time in my life and have never wanted to do actually do it before i have a fear of death but yesterday wa horrible i wa actively searching for stuff to kill me and a i expected my family s first reaction is to scold me saying that even during school holiday they have to worry about my as and i m not even in school right now what do i have to be suicidal about they just straight up scolded me did not give a fuck otherwise it s been a day and idk everyone s pissed at me and i m at my wit end i m actively asking to be hospitalised but the people who actually ha the authority to do that are too pissed at me to want to do that and complaining about how it cost so much to go u are hurting all of u what happens if it s in the record for the rest of your life first of all what life my whole life my family dynamic is fucking bullshit it s not abusive or even manipulative it s just that no one communicates with each other probably because we know when we do fighting will ensue so no one talk to one another idk what i can do all the time the rule change all the time idk how to talk to them idk what they want from me this cycle is just gon na continue until day i eventually snap at them or snap at myself if i snap at them i m gon na get scolded i knew the only reason they would actually not scold me is if i actually did it but i know if i did it i would have let them won and i will most likely survive and i hate that only if i actually did it would they actually care about me i do not know what i ll do for the next few day and i don t trust myself i actually wan na go to the hospital but no one let me for fuck sake idk what to do anymore | 1 |
i will eventually give up i know whoever reading this doe not care so don t comment anything unless you are absolutely inclined to after i die i will ask god to destroy my spirit and make it a if i never existed i hate anything having to do with existing everything that it brings the people the negativity the bullying it just nonstop i wish to have never experienced this life or anything having to do with it this life is inherently evil and whoever made me wanted all the bad thing to happen to me i guess i will just row out to sea and wait for a storm or tie my leg to a boulder and drop 00 foot to ocean floor anything anything i got ta do to get off this shit i will go out of my way to cause my life to end | 1 |
surely just hanging there being asphyxiated by the rope will kill you eventually if the above mentioned thing don t happen | 1 |
i m so tired of the pain hating myself and having no future i cant do this anymore | 1 |
i feel like i just need to have a long long chat with one person about how i feel constantly i m not in crisis or anything i just want to know what s going on in my head so i can stop my self destructiveness because i don t even know what i do to mentally kill my self thank you | 1 |
yeah so basically me and my bf both have been in a very good relationship for about a year and month and we were just texting like we normally do every night and he told me that he s suicidal and think about hurting himself a lot how do i deal with this information how can i help him he already said he doesn t want to go to therapy since that would require him telling his parent and i assume he s really embarrassed about it so what can i do to help him i ve never had to deal with anything like this before so i have no idea | 1 |
life just fucking suck i hate everything but above anything else the most i hate is religion i cant help it but say that i do not understand religion and their concept guess what i had to be born in a religious family fuck yeah because of that i am constantly threatened by religious friend and family looking at me like i am a disgusting being constant physical abuse by my mother just because i disagree with their belief i never wa disrepectful to them i just hoped that i could be free and decied wetehr or not follow the religion but no my mother is more worried of what other family member think of her so she try to force me to not reject religion or else my family will think that she is a bad mother and look down on her my family is a fucking joke this is not my only reason that made me start having suicidal thought i am a teenager male so i unfortunately still depend of my mother but that doe not matter because i decided that after finishing uni i will kill msyelf i am weak i cant even handle a full time job i have no realistic goal i have no ambition and even le motivation to do anything it seems i am not suitable fort this world so the only thing i am able to do is fuck this shit i give up i am not strong enough and i know it is pathetic and cowardly yes you are right i am a fucking coward piece of scum so please kill me already | 1 |
what are some thing i should get in order before i go i d like to either sell or toss most of my thing plan on paying off the little debt i have writing goodbye making sure nobody see anything traumatic what are some thing one would do or not do before death not looking for help or pitty just something i might be forgetting thanks | 1 |
nothing is worse than this | 1 |
is anyone there maybe someone just up to talk i haven t had a hug since i wa a kid do anyone care about me lately my medication is weak or not working i just had cocaine and more medication i dont care too much anymore anyone up for a chat or something or not probably let hope the big nothing is better will it be good enough to od edit cool so did sme reading itll probably suffice sorry y all this will be it let hope probably here for a bit more until i sign off amp x 00b edit cheer i canceled my plan with my friend tomorrow based on some thread like http www reddit com r ama comment oa pdz i overdosed on antipsychotic yesterday ama http www reddit com r ama comment oa pdz i overdosed on antipsychotic yesterday ama http www reddit com r youshouldknow comment emqvvk ysk overdosing on antidepressant is not easy or http www reddit com r youshouldknow comment emqvvk ysk overdosing on antidepressant is not easy or or others all i need is a good day and not be found maybe i wake up later for some last word if this is it please enjoy with me frans listz little bell a k a la campanella | 1 |
i told them about my suicidal thought and that i don t know how long i would be gone it just got so much easier now the thought of killing myself i mean i originally planned to do it when i wa 9 but thing have changed the thing i wa afraid of wa abandoning my friend now all they all know is that i m taking a break if i just did it they would think i moved on not knowing what actually happened to me thinking that i got better | 1 |
someone i thought loved me my ex fianc of six year just told me i should go kill myself oh and just a few week ago he said i should go hang myself so i guess i can just go do it now clearly everyone in my life will be better off if i just end it all now i finally got confirmation of that oh do it on your birthday so you can go out the same day you came in april 9th is my birthday so i guess it s happening he cheated on me on my birthday last year anyways and knocked that girl up so i guess it s time now i should start preparing and i ve been trying to get rid of all my stuff and give it to friend or donate it anyways my camera are going to my best friend my video game and console can go to my nephew i have another niece or nephew on the way that i won t get to meet but it s ok i guess it s better that way i am giving my clothes to domestic violence shelter and a couple friend i m going to give all my art supply to my best friend too i have ton of unopened canvas and paint i m going to give my book to the library in my hometown i ve got a little over a month i think i can do it then i have a surgery i fought for for over year on the th but there s really no point in doing it now i guess i ll just call them and tell them i back up give my spot to someone who need it my sister ha her gender reveal on the th so i guess that will be my goodbye they won t even know it but i will tell them i love them a lot and in my note i ve written page upon page of apology for being a failure of a daughter and sister hopefully they forgive me i had a long note for my ex fianc but i m not giving one anymore he s far away and my family hate him so there s no guarantee he d get it even if i wanted to i have been wanting to die for year since i wa little i first broke a mirror and cut myself at the age of fucking i ve had nearly ten different attempt i think it s finally time i don t want to live anymore and i finally got permission by someone who claimed to love me that i should just do it so in a way it wa a huge gift from him to say that i am thankful for it it gave me peace i can just do it now and be done with it so honestly awesome i m so relieved | 1 |
i m tired two month clean in hour and yet i am still so hollow i ve driven everyone away i tell myself that it s fine when the suicidal ideation come i tell myself to shut up just one more hour i ll tell myself live another day and maybe you won t fuck it up but i always do maybe i have done some good maybe i m not wholly horrible it s all a lie deep down i know that i am on six attempt to kill myself i m sure this one will be my seventh it s fine | 1 |
ive been suicidal for a long time now ive actually pussied out twice now and no one know i have a s o but because of no free time we only really see each other at school which is not the place to cry every time we try and plan something someone s parent are always there so it s never really safe to just vent alone and my parent are half the problem i face constant pressure for my sport from my mother meaning i barely have free time in fact ive barely been free at all this year with the exception of a few weekend and day in a holiday period even then i m usually busy at some point either the next weekend or every other time in the holiday my father left when i wa five but that s a whole other story the reason he left ha been bothering me for so long and despite how much he talk good about other thing i do he belief that i shouldn t follow any dream and should just become a lawyer and im too scared to talk back a he ha beat me before for littler thing neither of them believe that they are problematic and if i told them they would blame each other which would only make me feel worse every day i get closer to truly killing myself but i don t want to make my friend sad | 1 |
i am just three month away from graduation and couple of week i found i wa gon na get suspended for plagiarism copied a lab report but today it wa confirmed that it s gon na be a year of suspension all that i ve worked is down the drain all of the job offer are worthless everything in my life is ruined now i ve decided to end the painful misery and say my goodbye tonight i hope my family get through this looking for least painful way to kill myself | 1 |
i just wanted to put it out there for after the fact | 1 |
my mood change fast and i don t think i am bipolar a it s usually a reason why my mood change and it can all change in a day like i m in a good mood and then like couple hour past and i just get negative thought and i m down again like i already lost people this year my ex best friend who used to be my best friend like year ago and losing him a a friend this year didn t really hurt a it wa my decision to cut him out of my life he wa a real bad narcissist and probably a sociopath so cutting him out felt good the one thing that hurt is losing my sister a we used to be so close but recently she became a lot more social and ha a lot of friend and she doesn t even want to speak to me or spend time with me anymore even though i m the older sibling i m and she s 0 it s just scary how easy people can just leave your life and even though i have a best friend that is good to me and i am talking to a girl but i m just worried it will end a i m just bad with my emotion probably because of my anxiety i m really not sure how i can get better like sometimes i feel great it feel like euphoric even like i m more hyper talkative and confident but it never last long and then i m just back to my usual mood just being sad depressed and anxious i know somethings wrong with me probably i tried cbt therapy for anxiety and depression but it didn t really help me i m on an antidepressant a well which ha never worked on me i just take it a it make me sleep i hate living like this i just want to smoke weed and get drunk so that i can stop all the negative thought and i hate it it feel like my life is a mess it s so much effort to get out of my bed and i just hate my life like wtf sometimes i feel like going to thailand and becoming spiritual or something | 1 |
i ve been with my fianc two year we are both trans men in our mid 0 he ha been severely traumatized and ha ptsd for the past year especially after starting a grueling job that take up most of his time he ha become more and more depressed and suicidal he ha a history of multiple attempt i try to encourage him to talk listen and validate distract with humor and cheer and offer way to help i m not perfect and a lot of time i think i just make it worse by doing or saying the wrong thing or just maybe how i am i ve offered to pay for a hospitalization i ve offered to help call for therapist i ve offered to support him with saving so he can quit his job and take some time to heal but he refuse he won t accept any financial help i argue that his health is more important long term than money for the future but he won t accept it he can t trust his family either he oscillates between desperately wanting mental healthcare and mistrusting it due to a totally reasonable reaction to past experience lately it s just been so bad he is so dysphoric and every time he s reminded of his appearance he begin to spiral i can see it tonight he told me it s been the same a long a he can remember that he can t enjoy anything that he think about doing it every minute i listened and tried to comfort him and after a while asked if i can set a day to leave voicemail for some therapist he said i ve been trying to do that for the past two month i said i would sit down with him to help tomorrow and he didn t answer me he looked completely dead inside he told me he wanted to be alone and went to sleep on the couch he is asleep right now i feel like the weight of this is so heavy on me he is such a kind loving smart and beautiful person inside and out the person i want to marry and spend my life with but i feel like that person is disappearing into a void a year ago he had so much life in his eye i have severe adhd and anxiety and also am autistic i struggle a lot with executive functioning and forget important thing constantly i think i might by nature be a bad support though i try my best i probably seem distant and apathetic often i will never give up on him but i m barely capable of managing myself and i know i can t handle this alone i know i should not have to but it is how it is it s really getting to me and i have been becoming extremely depressed myself for the first time in a while we are set to marry in under a year i think delaying the wedding might take stress off but it feel like any major change i suggest would freak him out i just don t know every time he go out alone i m worried i could lose him i make sure not to be overly invasive or anything if i called the hospital or his parent he say it would just make thing worse i m just hoping when this job end in a couple of month he will be able to breathe a little i love him so much and my heart is hurting i m so scared i think he need more friend therapy time to himself and a different job but a much a i ve tried to i can t make that happen for him i feel so lost i just don t know there is no answer | 1 |
i want to be dead ive been suicidal for year im such a fucking retard filled with regret and anger im done with life i want all of this to stop why i cant do one thing right | 1 |
i just need to figure out a fool proof plan and figure out how to say goodbye to my friend and family without being suspicious and getting hospitalized again i really don t wan na hurt my loved one but they don t act like they really care anyways i wa living for other people but i have no one anymore so there s not much to live for anymore i have bipolar and borderline personality disorder and my existence is painful day by day i m just posting here basically to get advice because if i do this wrong again and live through it i will hate myself even more also i have tried getting help from any and everywhere that i can and it s still this way i ve lived my year and i m at peace with my choice at this point | 1 |
i don t know what i m doing wrong everyone always leaf me | 1 |
i just took the pill i don t know how many it ll take but i m just going to keep eating them one by one until they re all gone i feel so bad for everyone i hope i really don t fuck up anybody s life by ending mine | 1 |
hi i m m from texas and i d like to talk to someone that feel like they don t belong i d love to do my best to help out anyone and everyone i don t judge and i will happy to talk to anyone and if you so happen to end up having a crush on me then let me know i will always be here to talk to you and i will never leave you to be alone without a damn good reason i don t care who you are or what you are i m straight but that won t stop me from helping everyone out no matter their sexuality i hope that we can become good friend and i d love to maybe meet yall one day i m here for yall to vent to or yell at or just absolutely destroy if you need to just message me and i ll do my best to help you | 1 |
i can t do this anymore the secret the fear that oh no i say something wrong and boom my friend all hate my as i m worried anything i say will tip one of my friend off the edge and she ll do it idk what to do anymore i have a plan but also i m terrified of death | 1 |
i m always so sad i hate who i am i wish i wa never born i wan na kill myself but i get too scared i always regret not going through with it i ll never be happy why do other people get to be happy and confident but i can t i wish someone would push on the train track i purposely stand on the edge so someone would it i really wan na tell someone i know but i don t wan na seem like an attention seeker i don t want then to make a big deal or just not care that ll make me feel worse i try hard not to make it obvious so idk i have every i need to kill myself exit bag but i m just scared i know people say suicide is a permanent solution to a permanent problem but my problem feel permanent | 1 |
i did it while they were talking in the living room area of our hotel room they talk so much and so loud they didn t even realize i wa in the bathroom dying my attempt failed your body naturally won t let you die this way but whatever i ll try to find another way to kill myself because i m tired of living i want to just die | 1 |
my friend recently tried to kill themselves and i feel responsible in a way i feel like i should ve let them know i want to help i am sitting by the toilet hyperventilating and vomiting with a panic attack and i want to see them please help i give it out too much now i realize i need it | 1 |
hi guy it s late night now here in my time zone i can t shake down the urge to go to the building rooftop and take a leap it s story tall should i do it please tell me a logically sensible suggestion my reason my family got covid 9 the past month but it affected my otherwise healthy 0 year old dad the most within a couple of week of infection including 0 day isolated hospital confinement thing just kept getting worse so he wa moved to another hospital for icu confinement and there went into lung failure doctor decided on intubation thing didn t stop there and currently he is on ecmo in a different hospital it s been about month and he is yet to show any progress i work and used to live alone but recently we all have been together from my fam s side my dad is the only breadwinner and he controlled their finance so naturally i took the heat during his absence a a stopgap running his business for a couple of month paying bill and medical expense food etc i have burnt through all my personal saving sold my cryptos and taken all the possible loan just to stay afloat with the expense this ha made me terribly depressed and made me unable to continue working since last week by the end of this month i can t even pay my dad s insurance premium in that case the policy is gon na lapse because of month of non payment i don t see a way out of this i need about 0k just to cover the due and maybe another 0k for the future expense at this point i can t get out or stop this snowball effect my mom isn t willing to work nor doe she have the experience to work any decent job my si just finished her high school but is trying for a job anyway even if we all work in this place we can t possibly make a dent in the due and expense all of this is taking my self control off i feel like i ll snap and go insane any moment but i and my dad have life insurance policy my dad s policy is just gon na pay 00k if ever on the other hand my head can pay out a quarter million dollar claim it can solve all the problem and save their life i can also get this miserable life to stop hurting me any further i like to think logically philosophically and pragmatically i don t see a better option than this should i do it tldr my healthy 0 year old dad got covid 9 went into lung failure and is currently on maximum life support on ecmo i ve bankrupted myself supporting my fam and am still in need of about 0k or more to settle the due and for further expense i m at the verge of insanity from all the pressure i ve a life insurance worth 0k should i do the deed and let my fam claim the benefit so that they can solve everything and live better life sorry for any bad english thanks in advance | 1 |
why am i this person i love writing reading scholarship academia but each of those field are rightly inaccessible to me i am unintelligent i have nothing to contribute but my work ethic which is practically useless every article and book i read confirms this i wish i could be satisfied with menial work i wish i could let these aspiration go it is ridiculous and self indulgent to pine after thing that are so obviously out of my reach | 1 |
so in the last night i drink a lot nothing not normal for me and then everytime e drunk to much i enter in a spiral of shame i encounter my mother and i felt ashamed because i wa so drunk and my father is a alcoolic i drop a dish and the thing scalated e begun to cry and cut my self with the piece of glass without knowing what i wa doing it happens so many time when i drunk to much i tend to self harm and self heatred i just dont like anymore what my mother see in me im ashemed of myself how dare i put my mother in so much struggle because i wa drunk and begun act of self harm from dropping a dish i will go to a psychologist today i love my mum and everytime e break her heart i cut myself and begun a spiral of mental fog knife amp x 00b help me i love my mom | 1 |
i havent left my house in week i quit my job i spend a good of my day cry i dont know what s happening to me my skin took a complete 0 this year and destroyed any little self confidence i had left ha anyone else felt like this before all i can think about is my skin it taking up my life not only is it unbearable to look at it s painful and itchy and i can not afford a dermatologist looking at myself in the mirror always result in a full blown panic attack i end up hyperventilating on the floor i have cried to the point of vomiting many time i hate that it ha this power over me it s such a silly thing to worry about and i know that but it is absolutely destroying me it is a continuous cycle this constant stress only result in more breakout i feel trapped in my own skin talking about this in real life make me sound vain i wish someone would understand the cry seems to never stop and i havent slept in day now edit this wa not a suggestion for skincare tip for me it is not a simple a diet or hydration it is genetics and hormonal unfortunately | 1 |
i have a lazy eye and am overweight and i have a bowel problem which make me smell even with these attribute i ve managed to fall in love get married and have a daughter but i keep getting this urge since i wa to end it all it doesn t help that my family doesn t want anything to do with me or my child hell my baby is year old and my mother ha yet to see her or even call the shitty part is she life an hour away i keep on thinking what s the point of trying so hard to keep people who don t even want you in their life i love my daughter but i just want ti end it i ve been fighting off and on with my wife over small stuff because i m not home enough i have to travel for work week at a time because we can t afford for me to quit and honestly sometimes it feel like she s just with me because she can stay at home and not work long story short i m tired of trying to keep up the illusion that i m happy the only thing that make me happy is reminiscing about holding my daughter when i m on the road but it s getting harder and harder to keep going | 1 |
i have a like bottle of pill on my counter that are my old antidepressant i don t want to live anymore but i know if i fail i ll be in so much trouble what do i do | 1 |
caused me to choke on my dinner and puke up half a chicken or maybe the chicken wa poisoned how do i know | 1 |
im so tired | 1 |
a miscommunication happened which caused my grade to not appear in the record everyone is blaming me for it calling me a liar saying i didn t go to class they want to expel me i admit it i skip a lot but if i have a test i swallow my tongue and go no one will believe me even with the evidence because i m a bad student and a delinquent i ve been the subject of whole as council meeting because of me being trans which is considered very disrespectful to the school i m seriously considering suicide my whole family hate me my friend are all doing better than me i need to go to med school i need to fix this but it seems impossible please i need someone to tell me i can do it i need someone to tell me it s not too late for me please tell me i still have time to fix this for the first time in my life i need to hear something because i feel like i m going insane please just tell me it will be ok | 1 |
i just cant stop thinking about my ex i loved her now that she doesnt want me in her life at all anymore i dont know how to cope and what to do im helpess i really dont see a future for myself | 1 |
i dont even deserve to live | 1 |
i had plan for the future big plan they don t exist anymore a relatively recent assault took them from me the assault also took away my ability to enjoy being out of my house the thing that once made me happy no longer do i can t take care of myself i m on med but they don t help i get up and go through the motion but on the inside i am dying i am just a shell of who i once wa what s even the point why am i still trying | 1 |
i m a year old girl i ve dealt with some stuff yk my best friend took her own life some month ago and it s been v hard i keep having awful gruesome nightmare about people i love getting hurt or hurting themselves it ruin my day i feel like my mind is torturing itself it end up ruining my life cuz i m always so out of it i think my brain s broken i just wan na die so it can end feeling nothing is better than torture after all | 1 |
it seems there is no more joy in this world the world ha literally gone to shit it s scary and truly saddening people fighting for climate change having protest a if that s gon na change a goddam thing everyone is diagnosed with some type of mental illness even if they re not they tell you they suffer from some type of anxiety and depression there s 0 originality these day i don t even remember 0 when i look outside everything appears in a darker shade everyone is trying to bring back old trend specifically the early 000s and reselling clothes item from that era at an insane price which piss me off everyone feel nostalgic bringing up memory from the past anytime before 0 0 more than ever these day which make me even more sick because we can t relive those year nothing to ever look forward to no good music no nothing everyone piss me off there is truly no one like me and if there is well i m sure they live very far from where i m at earlier i wa thinking about vine and how that turned into musically and how that turned into tiktok which is just filled with such inappropriate vids i had to delete it because my fyp wa filled with people romanticizing eating disorder and people deliberately showing their fresh self harm cvts this generation is seriously mentally ill i m so exhausted from living all i fucking do is complain because there s too much shit to complain about this world just keep turning into a more dark and darker place and the fact that people are still having kid in a world like this even during the pandemic is just beyond me there s clearly no hope for any of u i can t keep living in a world like this and then the fact that i have to slave at work while my manager sleep downstairs or is sitting on his as getting paid minimum wage is just insane i don t understand how people have put up with this for so long every day i get closer to the day i planned to take my life and i don t even know how i feel about it and some day i feel nothing yea call me a coward but at least i ll be gone no more dealing with this stupid shit and stupid as new yorkers the most dumbest people i ve ever came across | 1 |
goodbye discord friend you were the only one to show me kindness even if it did end up being fake goodbye dad i m sorry you weren t here to see me in my final moment goodbye xchara you might been fake but you were someone who wa never rude to me goodbye self harm this is a bit of a stretch but you kept me alive for so long and i m thankful writing this down there s not much it s sad it s embarrassing but i ve said my goodbye there s nothing left now i ll hopefully be dead in a couple of hour goodbye anyone reading this i hope i don t come back | 1 |
i want to die i don t know if i want to kill myself but i honestly don t really care i just want to die and not be conscious and not be an i and have no ability to experience anything or remember anything or think about anything i don t care if it will get better i don t care if i ll be happy one minute later i don t care that i m irrational right now and i m thinking something that a level headed version of me would obviously be above i hate being conscious i can t sleep because i hate waking up i can t make myself faint because i hate waking up i can t escape to other story or music or feeling or stimulation because i hate waking up i just want to die and die and die and die and die and stay dead forever i don t want to do this anymore i don t want to identify a an i i don t want to be an agent i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to stop living i want to die i m stupid and bad and spiteful and upset and i want to die i don t want help i don t want to be happy i don t want to want to not die i want to die | 1 |
i wouldn t necessarily say i don t know what i really want in life it s more like i m still experimenting on what i enjoy to draw and to make a career out of it hopefully replace it with the current job i m working in a for the current job i m working a a custodian housing custodian at a university it s a lot of work and you got to be extremely fast pace and versatile i m diagnose with chronic depression anxiety and obsessive compulsive disorder it s so hard trying to keep up everyone s expectation i m always slow and having a hard time trying to finish everything i just feel like i m letting people down and i try so hard to push myself over my limit to match theirs i can only do what i can and i even told my supervisor about my disorder to accomodate me which he did but i still feel like perhaps i m not the right canidate and i m fearing the call of being fired and getting complaint for not finishing certain amount of floor on time my mindset so far i m doing what i can and if it s not enough then i tried my best but i know with my mental disorder i will go back down the spiral i called my supervisor and express my frustration even though he said everyone adores me and i m being too hard on myself i know these compliment won t last long i really don t want to quit this job but i feel like shit when i m bringing other people down with my slow dumbass illness | 1 |
i ve been struggling with depression and suicidal thought for a couple of year now i don t know why but i also have the worst anxiety and it cause me to overthink everything and ruin my own life anytime i m near a stranger i can only think about if i m breathing too loud or weird and when people look at me i just want to disappear because i m afraid their laughing at me or something i cry a lot and i feel bad because dude aren t supposed to cry so much i hate work too i work at home depot and i feel like every person think i m weird and is laughing at me for something i just want to make my family proud and be successful but i have such terrible intrusive thought and i hate it i ve also never really had a real girlfriend i dated in middle school and i feel like the biggest loser because of it i just don t understand why we live our life knowing we re gon na die anyways even if your the richest man your still gon na die the best looking or most healthy person is still gon na die so what s the point | 1 |
in the last 0 day i lost the love of my life my home my cat my job and my will to live today i got covid so now i cant even look for a new job so i ll lose the new apartment got no friend some family but they dont care i m out of reason to continue help | 1 |
never had a girl friend all i ever wanted wa a wife and kid even more than money i have zero friend the only people i ever hang out with are my parent i gamble a lot i am scrawney with a beer gut and twig arm what the fuck i can barely finish any college course i live in an apartment and cant see how i can ever afford a house i am taking my life tonight no point in living anymore depression fuckin suck | 1 |
i struggled with suicidal thought around year ago i m being treated for my cptsd and since then id been doing better but for some reason these past few week the thought have come back theyre le frequent but they re there im not going to do it i just want them to stop i dont want to feel like this again | 1 |
i ve essentially given up given up a much a i m allowing myself to sometimes i don t eat for day and then when i do eat it s sporadic and unhealthy i ve stopped exercising i never really took care of the eczema on my skin i just use a an excuse to self harm do a lot of addictive thing a well nothing too insane it s mostly just to numb my feeling i haven t left my apartment imsince january rd since there s a convenience store and laundry room here i have unhealthy fantasy about a life that doesn t exist because i can t seem to enjoy mine at all i don t believe in myself and it keep me from doing hardly anything at all other than what it take to survive i ve never really succeeded in life and have always just been a bit of a joke despite wanting to do thing i wa always discouraged by others or mostly my own lack of ability motivation i don t think therapy would work for someone like me you have to want therapy and actively do it i actively work against myself because i think it only a matter of time before people just give up on me that or i push everyone away first i make mock gun motion out of reflex and i ve never owned a gun i have the simple thought of death most day my roommate nearly caught me the other night looking over our balcony i just don t get it i have no direction and it seems like most activity eventually just upset me i either stay stagnant the way i am and achieve nothing but stay safe and comfortable while also going insane from a lack of fulfillment or i try to bear being upset and uncomfortable through a bunch of random thing throughout my life probably ending up something that isn t really worth it for the struggle they both sound awful and i get it life isn t fair maybe i don t want to participate when thing aren t fair | 1 |
whenever i don t follow through with a plan i feel so stupid i wish i had the ball to just do it and every time i don t i feel like an idiot i m once again making a plan and upsetting myself knowing i won t follow through it make me want to just do it here and now to prove to myself i can but then that s not sticking to the plan i just feel so so stupid | 1 |
i am i live at home i have a boring low paying job housing is impossible to afford and i m in a long distance queer relationship i have bpd dysthymia cptsd i don t think that my perception of reality is something that i could ever trust i m in therapy i m medicated nothing is really helping since i have relationship destroyer disease obviously my relationship is not doing the best entirely because i can t perceive anything for what it is i self sabotage constantly and i ruin everything i touch nothing feel real and everything feel dependent on whatever is happening in the moment i don t trust myself i will continue to ruin my own happiness for the rest of my life because treatment doesn t fucking help me with this shit ive been doing some ideation thinking about a plan i don t want to die and leave everyone behind but being here is too much for me to do forever i m and it feel like i m 9 i m so tired already and i m so scared i feel so alone i just want it to be over | 1 |
i am going to die tonight goodbye | 1 |
what do you say when you re told it get better with time it s been the heaviest thing to do when it come to holding myself up i had a hard 0 0 lost my brother best friend and stepdad to suicide and overdose i thought i wa ok i wa so wrong wound up losing my job then my wife decided that she wa better off with me she is probably right so all of 0 i m loosing everyone and every thing spouse life we haven t spoke in over a year iv tried to she is idk i try so hard to move forward though i m not getting anywhere i want to die i can t find the right answer to evolving and being able to engage with life it s been over a year she s great amp thriving i try to do myself in last saturday i tried to leave the car running in my garage and just drift away i couldn t even die right my car ran out a gas all i got wa a head ache and a lot deeper into my pit i ve been looking at and repositioning m pistal hopefully i can get down to business with it soon i know it s better if i do i m worth more in insurance than in life experience why can t i be good at this why am i abandoned in my darkest point they say give it time it s gon na be ok it s a lie time pass for them and i watch it just go by so i say goodbye and if i cross your mind later on know i foght until i couldn t the war in me is to much so it s me i choose my end instead of being this way or loosing touch and hurting someone who ha a good future | 1 |
i m year old diagnosed with gouty arthritis at and i ve been battling with myself for almost a year now and it ha gotten to the point where i m tired of living this tuesday morning at am i tried to commit suicide my second attempt on taking my own life in le than a year and yet i ve still managed to fail once more i wa able to get at least hour of sleep but nothing more and that s the best i can get from a day just sleep wishing and praying to god to take my life every night passing away in my sleep best way possible imho for the last few month i ve been starting all my day and ending in tear soaking my pillow i m constantly emotionally unstable i break down in the middle of my lecture and i m genuinely tired of feeling sad and having different type of emotion on a daily basis i m lacking enormously in motivation to keep on living my mind is a thinking machine and won t stop thinking about all the suicidal way i could end my pain most of the time i ask myself why me i used to be an energetic kid who enjoyed doing many thing in my free time mostly gaming all by myself since i never had an opportunity to make a solid friendship so most of the time i end up talking expressing to myself because in this world there is no one here for me no one ha ever cared for me or even shared the least tiny drop of affection towards my person that s why i just don t try to make friend any more because i feel like i m a failure at it and i don t want no one to invest time in me i currently have an absurd amount of hate rage towards myself for not being able to finish everything and not looking upon my flaw and imperfection and wasting the endless opportunity of improving myself now i ll just have to live with the consequence and i m just here in this world all alone thinking and knowing that some people are doing better than me and living their best life and i envy that and i m jealous of that i m writing this deep down from a part of me that ha just a millimeter of hope of recuperating but i highly doubt i ll be able to do it i won t lie a of writing this it feel like i m getting rid of an anchor that ha been pulling me back all this time | 1 |
so me m my gf f killed herself i don t know why or how i feel it s all my fault my family didn t know we were dating so i don t know how to bring it up to them i can t even focus or eat now i just don t know what to do i m honestly about to end it i failed her | 1 |
i m have fucked up my whole life and i dont really want to kill myself but im really running out of option when i wa 9 year old i wa diagnosed with borderline disorder and all my life i have been fucking everything up relationship friendship family member job my study i have been acting very impulsive and i have aways been blaming my disorder instead for everything i ded drug use victimless crime somehow i still have some principal left hooker now today s situation is i havent felt fine in year or something like that i am on the edge of getting myself in seriously debt i live in a small shitty appartement and the only thing that ha stayed with me during all these time is my weed maybe it sound retarded i dont really know but it true i even lost my momma on the way she is not dead just doesnt want to speak to me anymore i lost all my friend because of ly shit behaviour and lie i lost a relationship of year recently and to be honest i deserve it because i can blame my disorder or the drug or whatever deep down i know it were my action and my saying that fucked it all up i know it may not be the best solution but i feel like killing myself would most certainly be the easiest way out for me sorry if this storry is shit but i am high right now and my english isnt that good | 1 |
i m beyond worthless i will never be able to provide anything to anyone in any capacity i m no more than a worm i just want to break everything in my house smash everything in a complete rage and finish it off with a bullet to the brain i ve never been so furious in my entire year of living im in a perpetual state of anger lately i ve started burning myself with cigarette again i push them into myself until the pain fade i do it far up my arm so no one see them at work i don t need those stupid fuck questioning me i never liked cutting myself burning hurt a lot more in my opinion it s what i deserve me being alive is fucking crime i should just fucking end it now so nobody get hurt from me i m sure my family won t give a shit they ll probably be happier with the load off their shoulder and my friend will get over it quickly it s been over a year since i ve seen them in person we ve already drifted to far from each other in our life we re basically stranger | 1 |
i taled pill but god decided that i shoudl stay i used to be grateful but i think he wanted me here just to burn my molester in facebook now after loosing my job and being a penniless looser with a lot of debt again i can t stop to remind all my recent mistake and wish i had died maybe if i burn the asshole before and maybe if i swalloed more pill or more alcohol i m so furious at myself right now | 1 |
it been year 0 month and 9 day since i last self harmed i m really trying to keep the streak going but honestly i don t know if i can make it much longer i ve been thinking of suicide heavily the past few day and i m just so tired every aspect of my life all seemed to crash and burn within the same couple day and i m so tired of cry and hurting i just feel numb but at the same time i feel so much something that i have to scream i ve been trying to be better about being positive or telling myself to keep going but is it really worth it i spent all of last night thinking about killing myself and really what would happen i hope you all have a better day tomorrow | 1 |
i already failed out of college once but i thought i might try again at a community college well i m about to fail out of this too and for some reason nothing in me care a a child i always kind of assumed my life would be in a great place at how na ve since i ve been miserable for a long a i can remember why would life magically get any easier i just recently pieced together that my earliest memory which i never really allowed myself to understand wa my narcissistic mother attempting to drown me when i wa about year old no wonder i m so fucked up i ve been planning on killing myself before my rd birthday for the past month or so i suppose she ll get what she wanted all along | 1 |
i ve been distracting myself with hobby and uni but at the end of the day i always get reminded that none of it matter they re only there to stop my train of thought from entering my mind they re just bring a split second of feeling recently picked up smoking again and it s the only thing that can temporarily bring some emotion back there s nothing worth living for why am i still alive i just don t know how to feel anymore i just want to wither away and be forgotten to close my eye every night hoping to not open them again | 1 |
hypothetically if someone took 9 000mg fluvoxamine mg naltrexone and 0mg lorazepam what would happen all hypothetically of course | 1 |
it doesn t matter anymore i m going to copy and paste my note it really doesn t matter i know i m spilling my gut out oh who care now i m lonely i m a solider to my self pride status something i fail to achieve my whole life achieving to be a boy the one my parent are proud of the only reason i m not forgotten is because i m away from home do you think they remember me i m so fine with being lonesome i could live i no longer cry i no longer care i m not deep i m not feminine i no longer attract you i m not part of them or you or your life i m not even an outcast or part of the story all my life i thought of my self a the extra in this story but i realised i m not even that i m so lonesome and not noticeable i could disappear right in this northern line i carry everything in onto me try to care that i m awake but i remember everything what have i become maybe you could have it all maybe you are the one that make his memory you re unforgettable you are the one that s not me i ve been forgotten no presence of my own the place i have for myself have never been anything but death and so it s hard to imagine a life where there s life i m apologetic towards the emotion regarding me but i m not sorry that i m here somethings in my way it might be myself never have i been so ill and treated at the same time just been treated so badly in the past that even this single bit of kindness coming from you made me feel so sane that s all i got from you half as explanation came in my house and my mouth then you d leave to someone else s house some other girl post wrestling story line when i feel scared sad sorry about a story i feel le that about my self today wow look at what u did today look at how you feel look how easy it is to resolve conflict how easy it is to lie do that again i bet u what happened that you are in a bad mood are you reminded again that nobody care leading you to my story opening my chest up with information so little you barely understand i m here waiting what will it take for you to leave this time i m still right here puzzled i live in another house now in another country with a completely different routine and identity from my last one and the other one out in this city for year feel kind of funny i can t tell what s real and fake anymore did time really passed do i even have a family am i even here million people in london how do i always managed to find the most bat shit crazy one to befriend you only filling my free time with people way to stoned to remember all of u forgetting yesterday just like i wanted so lonely can i be yours fucking unmanageable why do i always get into this messy situation i can t bare to work here anymore i m fine but bitch who want me to fail will succeed unfortunately i want to die dead groom and corpse bride i can t write anymore no song describe the desperate feeling for thing to end again i kiss them the way i wish i wa kissing you who are you though third time cry at the tube this week i m tired i wanted to ask the world is it really a bad thing to die i wanted my work to speak for me speak for it self so i don t ever even have to talk i wanted to make every work my last piece of work becuz i could be gone anytime soon i wanted every piece to be the final piece the finale maybe this situation make me feel safe no attachment no regret i never had to say goodbye to anyone except maybe lily and grandma and grandpa and mom and dad and maybe my therapist if i die here in uk i only want lily to be at my funeral literally if anyone else dare to show up i would haunt the fuck out of them for the rest of eternity you were never here when i wa alive fucking bastard thanks to my grandparent i got that little piece of my childhood that i wa genuinely happy just that little bit of time in my life who would ve know that be the last time i ll ever be happy i ve only been happy once this illness is for life making peace that it might never get better thinking of bigger idea finalising my purpose stick to my self strengthening my sorrow smoking my thought away diving into these men story one by one from my perspective dying of thirst do you think they secretly categorises u year i m still the same out shining you probably at the bottom of my stash damnnnnn i got option i have a dream my ultimate weakness is being fearless how come yesterday i wa fine and today is another day of fucking it up yesterday wa a rebirth i ve lost him great the move on period that i m sadly familiar with probably the only thing i know how to do when i know exactly what to do my path is clear and i m brave fierce today we begin the process which probably started before i even knew it did subconsciously i never had him or wanted him in the first place they re right it triggered me badly i wanted to die now i want to live at least till i get to go home non of this matter at the end of the day i have to admit i don t care about the superficial stuff i care about the ugliness amp beauty we all are capable of the ugliness that we are capable of meeting by the pizza shop aa na that i ve never attended bill i never payed harmony that sound heavenly good standing by my self haunted by i feel unstoppable fucking fearless i am ready i want to hide in ur closet and cut open your wound i can t remember the last time i spent a proper holiday with family i don t really get sad anymore you get used to it and if you ve spent holiday with my family you ll be grateful to spend it alone and again me being me i rarely remember the good time i just know the bad maybe i get a little sad because even during covid people had the hope of seeing their family this year when i already know it s not going to happen i m not scared to have nothing and no one care if you have your last night on earth who do you rather spend it with i know it s not going to be any family member it s luck to tolerate more then half an hr with them ex s not really it s the people that i don t need to speak to the people that know me by just one look the people that really know i m just describing my self i d probably want to be alone for my last night on earth my stomach is always full nobody ever get killed everyone s fine life is pretty good cutting open my wound for show watching you from a far i just can t stop it s like i want to surgically remove you from my life just cutting till i get you to leave me alone i wa trying to find comfort in you now i realise i got that with everyone once you realise the concept of abuser come from being a victim and then everything make sense now all i know my whole life is to be the other woman just never the main one about to make myself sad again if he like me he take me home put me in a box it is so weird to cum to pain then why do we do it lol why do i do it enjoy now i m feeling really complicated about tattoo because now i feel addicted this kinda of experience lol had a massive break down don t know how to feel about anything let s just wait a few day i just didn t care what happens to me anymore it just feel like an out of body experience i m still alive but i feel dead feel like i m no longer here so basically i never had a relationship i reminded him of his ex he reminded me of both of my rapist someone put a spell on me i m in a secret place i m having so much fun with my head with my thought it s no longer delusion living inside my head i just built our living room and you re right there you you you you you him and him too stop stopppppppp being an artist is not hard stick that needle right through your heart what i feel the best about the blur is gone been bothering my entire life how miserable i am i couldn t live with the fact that i wa the only one but it finally made sense took me year to realise i wa even raped just a little girl to want to know you were raped took more then just time i just didn t know what wa ok because nobody ever asked or when they do i m not even sure i m not even sure what i wanted them to do to end this end me and this point on i m forever on my own in my head shhh they don t know i m going to leave i ve been so tired cry almost everyday it s not hard to face the past it s just difficult to imagine how long it s going to take for me to hide all this so someone would finally want me i need some help i never satisfied them at all why do some girl have everything i ever wanted in life he s like drug i can t get out this feeling i don t deserve i miss him and i hate myself i wan na leave him but i hate my self too much to leave even if it s fake i wanted someone to appreciate me for fuck sake it s so bad i just stopped caring about everything nothing matter to me anymore over flooded anxiety worry about the wrong thing think about bigger plan tho but i can t help but fuxking screammnmmm into the crowded bar god why whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyuuyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ficking pound to go home r u serious trying to keep my love life alive i sat by the bar dodging your eye winking at you fucking in the bathroom how i wish i didn t look at you didn t share that look that moment i i wish i didn t drink running around town in the middle of the night my heart is on the edge being alone getting high on my own year later and everyone still left am i even breathing do you want me or not just tell me if u do he used to pick me up after school boarding school drive way i sneak back into my bed at am hurting because i had to leave cry because i m already hurt now he pick me up after work he said he ll see me again and i don t even know why spilling my gut out in this note app my own best friend hate me the girl that i pour my heart into she doesn t even know me i don t remember much about anything ever i m happy like that if i remember all my feeling it ll be hard to get by so dark blue i wonder why i hear picture i m gon na fly but i feel small i want him to tell me all his secret thing you don t tell anyone i ll take it off you let s me carry it for you on my shoulder very free i am the girl that thing happen to why would anyone want to see the wound that i carry i hate to lie but i probably will disappoint him exit is too late if i could just have a moment to breathe please can t take it much more then this i m taking my chance not much more love left in this either did you just wanted to have fun anyone can be my daddy today he s far far away away from me have i told anyone i don t want to be the main one it s fun behind the camera it s safe being the stalker i m comfortable stood low when i fall at least it won t even hurt liar liar i m going to keep it low this time i ll ease it in but if this time go i ll be okay too i m already broken so what if i get thrown to the ground again every men ha failed me greatly my girl and i we deserve the world i m gon na kiss her forehead in my dream i m going to hell just left his house and he s on his way to mine not sure which lie to tell because when i kill her in my dream you won t have a friend to cook with no one showed up why can t you be useful for once nothing scare me anymore he invited me to a millionaire mansion said we can do anything we want wild swim in a private lake i said i might drown drown and i want to die and i want to lie he know about me i am twenty but like chain i rust you throw me to the ground again pulling my hair my heart shattered to piece he had no idea the war i fought and finally fight i am a soldier far away from home with no one to call belongs to no one i miss their forehead kiss solid a a rock shell each ringed a bell but shamed me to hell you call you called he called a well i miss my self my old self me a a child i want her back i m going to have a kid a little girl that i m going to protect at all cost all my life i wanted to be her but who is she it s just who ever he actually want it doesn t make sense you know i won t satisfy don t have the luck going to suffer every way possible life turn into shit for my girl but they re laying under the sun she s having some fun i m picking up my ash on the floor so i smoke it again luxury fine dining cocktail every day her hair is silky when she get hurt people fight for her is it wrong i hope she get killed being bi sexual and a story teller mean i make up plot and chapter between whoever is making me jealous it s actually a really nice way to train my self from getting attached to anything at all adding story to people relationship give me a deeper understanding of in a way i no longer call my bad thought putting my self down if all my thought are bad they re no longer bad thought they re just thought first and foremost i m going to write about you and your girl this is my kind of fun i hope when i m not around she fulfil your void you can have both my body and her presence we look alike don t we i m in my own corner the voice in my head say you re alarmed people say it s impossible you d be into me i believe them why would you choose me of all people i just can t believe anyone would have anything to do with me someone who just isn t special enough to have anybody i might be a little emotional writing this missed my mood stabiliser again it s ok though you can lay your head in my tummy i bet it reminds you of hers i have found my calling i m everyone s girlfriend just ended thing with you contagious doing another test simply because i just don t trust you it is my problem i should let you go i know you re no good but you were at least nice and no one have been nice to me in a while feel calm to think about how i ll be safe and sound in my pain another story to shoot yeah it didn t make sense to me but now it doe love bombing didn t work on me even though i ve been alone for a long time thank god for putting me through shit early enough that i left early a well my bad for thinking you knew better i felt like a piece of shit again again i don t give a fuck about any of you anyways but why i never know what am of you want or need i don t understand i might be on the spectrum you know i never communicated flaw are just so deep it s like haunting through sleep am i the one stopping her happiness i never analysed why i did all those thing during elementary school that my mom had to literally befriend my teacher to make sure i m took care of i wa that troubled 9 i think of all these intruder that entered my body without my wish kelly moore s dad a white kindergarten teacher in a majority chinese school felix another white men that raped me unconsciously in the club naz in which i still not entirely sure how i got lured into i look back at my self i sometimes wondered what went wrong how i wa made the best and then the worst why did i always had a bad time why i don t remember anything why and why and why did all this happened to me i think i just had an over amount of change that now i need a giant break but i don t know how to relax i love you but who i need to love someone why do i do that when i don t know who you are i m so stressed out i can only move on being rough wa all i know just people forcing themselves onto me all the time maybe why i thought zaineb wa so special and i m not ready to have that again even thought iain count a my first love i think zaineb wa when i completely trusted someone i just feel wrong and not accepted i guess i had another thought all those time they ve touched me just touching me everyone not just at the club it be when i wa getting take out shopping at the super market i never said anything why didn t i every time i look in the mirror i see myself disappearing into a bubble i wish i wa brand new i wish i wa soft and clean fresh off the boat too i wish i still believed in the world and white men you guy are losing me bit by bit day by day faded into the background i guess for now i know there s more to life than romance and belonging there s knowledge and creation story line and peacefulness in nature i realised that s when i m most allowed to stay is when i realised i m not rejected by the other side i m not rejected by hell a place that ll understand me may devil protect me and be by my side got ta stop having death fantasy must be a reason why i m fortunate and not is it karma or wealth abused or wa i too spoiled to think i deserve happiness is it karma or illness it must be karma right i know everything about you i usually prepare my research before i meet you a guy anyone i go through your family photo your ex the girl you slept with before me and potentially after me too i spot for lie matching the story you told me with evidence the fun part is researching the girl you are fucking i can feel my heart beat it like an electrical rush of anxiety it s quite an easy and intimate process a i realised my instinct is right every time by the way this is the time where i note down possible event that might happen in the future if this is torture then i don t know what fun is solving this puzzle i uncover every step a i am walking through your living room i give a fuck about you everyday ever since my first project i want to know everything the truth of story that s happening to me i need truth i need clue i need to find out if i m the other woman why do you want to know thing you shouldn t know ugliest ugliest truth still better than lie in my opinion and when i learned the fact that i am nothing in your story this is where i imagine love story that involves the girl you actually like is this process psychopathic i think it s a poetic way of practicing being a wife haven t wrote shit in a minute i guess i don t know what to say anymore i need to get going nothing ha been working fuck u all listening to he talk a i sit there again and again with my mouth shut still taste the cum in the back of my throat we expect the extreme every time we meet i always walk into your empty house the house you shared with her for year convincing myself that i don t care about you anyways ever since i haven t been able to learn or live i ve just been getting by and ruining my own life maybe it wasn t even that traumatic but i had to have an excuse for something right i guess i wa pale and green i became dumb never shared a thing fell short when my friend are watching film i watch now i read now i wouldn t have done the same for him filled my life with horror escaping intoxicated insane fucked so good fun fun fun you don t know half of the shit i actually go through you just think i m a simple whore i could be for you i wear black tights and two silk bow tie on the tip of my knee get all the way down i wait they always tell me to stay where i am because my back is arched and my as is in the air all the thing that made me who i am i bet her art is even wholesome and not pain then i worried i m not ur enough hey i feel better now still remember me what you ve been up to im not sure writing you from afar i m just getting to know myself why would i forget you i wa just trying to forget my self i m leaving london soon just like how i left china just like how i left la and like i left china again when will i ever return there s no more looking back my family s fed and i have some money under my name the only fortunate thing little fire lit in my world will never have the glory they once have i m not extraordinary enough but cool to have fun recently my family discovered that i am american a real american a real person with a passport that doesn t require month of quarantine a real passport that doesn t need a visa a real world i m freed and you don t understand i m trying to free my family too come i ll swallow all the feeling you might have may i open wide and welcome you inside up and down spending time with men that want anything but me ex and ex never ending dark hole of a modern bitch clear whiskey glass amp cocktail you never payed for her spend it all on me you never called no one did | 1 |
sorry to ask again i m just not doing great at the moment if i do hypothetically end my life and prior to it i end session with my therapist he wouldn t get in trouble right he doesn t deserve to get in trouble or lose licensure over me if that make sense doe anyone have info on this | 1 |
they knew this life isn t worth living and gave all their possession to their family i want to do the same so my friend and family benefit from my death i want to be dead my family and friend get all my stuff everyone win i m 00 fucking worthless and everything i consume is for no reason every friend and partner just stay with me out of pity and i want to pay them back i plan on hanging myself in my garage and calling 9 just before so they find my body instead of someone innocent i don t want to hurt i don t know why i m posting here tbh i guess i m looking for any reason not to suicide hotlines are just more depressing with the same scripted word in between question trying to find out where you are so they can call someone to your place this is just going to lead to more frustration and probably huge hospital bill and embarrassment anyone else feel this way what s keeping you from doing it | 1 |
sorry if this is kinda confusing and messed up i have a hard time putting my thought into word i f would sometimes get suicidal thought whenever i wa going through a bad panic attack but after i calmed down those thought would just disappear and i wa always sure that i would never do that stuff because i knew i only thought that a a quick escape from all the emotional pain and anxiety i wa going through but today those thought wouldn t get out of my head and i d find myself zoning out and planning on how to do it i wasn t even panicking about anything more like just feeling empty and depressed about my current and future life i ve been fighting everyday to feel some genuine happiness in myself and love for others so i can stop putting on this fake smile so everyone doesn t worry about me i miss it so fucking much and lately i ve been getting spark of those feeling again but they quickly dwindle away but now with these thought creeping in i feel like this battle that i ve been fighting for so long is pointless i don t even see a future for myself the people that i love in this life are slowly being consumed with negativity and become more and more toxic to me everyday and i ve noticed myself gaining that same negativity towards others and life and while i know that they re probably going through some stuff and i have sympathy for them it draining me and i can t be around them any longer since they clearly don t want change life been getting hard for me and it sucking the light out of me i don t know what to do about these thought but they won t get out of my fucking head and i m scared they ll get even worse please help me | 1 |
so im depressed and right now i m getting more and more suicidal it started with intrusive thought imagining myself in many violent suicide scenario but right now i m seriously considering suicide because it get worse and worse and i have no idea when my life will improve in any way i m trans and i haven t started transitioning yet i don t even feel like i m living i m just wasting my life leaving a something in between because i m not a woman but literally no one see me a a man even i myself feel like a joke instead of proper guy even when i m not depressed it s not like i m functioning normally i have adhd with executive dysfunction a my worst symptom and i also have asd so i always and up being awkward or off or not acting not properly in any social setting i feel awful all the time and i constantly vent to my friend even though despite them sort off telling thats okay i know how annoyed by this they are and how little they care and even though i understand fully i m hurt by this because almost every time when i m available i m listening and trying to give my best support if they need to vent especially with one of my friend we can end up on a meeting when 90 of the time she s the only one talking but when i message them anything i know i do that a lot but still even if they even bother to read it i usually get one word response or just sad emojis i don t know i just every day feel like there s le thing important for me to keep going the only thing that kept me from even considering suicide a some real option wa vision of starting my life a my true gender and not wanting to traumatise people close to me but transitioning seems like it won t happen anytime soon and every day spent in my body feel like hell i m not even exaggerating i get constantly flight or fight response triggered by my own body and with people close to me i m getting more distant from them every day most of the time i don t have energy for anyone but when i sort of do i m still super irritable i just got super distant from my friend i feel that i know nothing about most of them and the closest one are just annoyed by my constant low mood or i m annoyed by them feeling like they need to criticise my behaviour like smoking or not being able to motivate myself to do thing i won t even start talking about my ex he just make my day worse just by being around me and that s all the time i don t know i just feel like no one care about me in a meaningful way my friend either criticise me or give me meaningless support my parent don t take my issue seriously they literally wan na take me of all my med in about two month which would fuck me up because it would mean no more focus on anything lack of adhd med no more sleep some anxiety med that i use for my sleep trouble and i would quit my antidepressant which i started to take in le than two week ago my psychologist is caring about me only because she s paid and even though i like her she s still isn t able to help me and i m still not able to open up to her either cause of fear of being honest about my feeling or because of my shitty memory that cause to remember me all the wrong thing at the wrong time i feel like this mini personal hell won t end soon and even if it will it won t mean that all my issue will go away i m stuck with being trans awkward and having adhd for the rest of my life no matter what i do and i don t want it to be this way | 1 |
should i go check into a hospital again i ve admitted myself more time than i can remember over the year for depression suicidal ideation not to mention the attempt where i should be dead i have some good friend amp family i know i m blessed in way but have endured so much sexual trauma a a kid amp later in life amp have ptsd borderline personality extreme anxiety sometimes amp addiction issue i don t think i want to go on much longer what s the point | 1 |
i guess part of me didn t really want to die so i m heading back home now | 1 |
i am reading all those post and asking myself can i help them or am i also one of them the answer is not shocking but all i can understood one thing the other people don t understood u they stop understanding u in first place when we go silent fewest of few nudge u no matter what but personally i stop responding to express my thought or emotion to tell them what i feel and how i feel because i fear it might effect their vicinity of thought and people around them so i pushing people around me so i might be in misery yet not dragging any of my anchor it is and always hard to say goodbyeno matter what but doe it worth it i am in utter limbo state of life where i don t know what i should do i am clueless and lifeless about my next step i don t know what should i do where living is not an option but dying is not also one | 1 |
i am 0f no longer living with my family my little sister newly yr ha been struggling with depression and self harm for a while now but it recently ha gotten worse like a lot worse she is cutting a lot searching for way to kill herself googling about eating disorder her only friend always play the who s more depressed game she see a therapist but doesnt open up most recently she ha been messaging a 9m which my parent will be handling with the police what do i do i ve been depressed and sent to mental hospital for sh so i do understand a bit i just don t know how to help her i don t want to lose her and i don t want her to be in this much pain i love her more than anything more than myself | 1 |
the only reason i can t bring myself to do it is the thought of my mom coming to wake me up and finding me dead or the rest of my family feeling burdened by it we ve already lost a cousin of mine to suicide barely two year ago i don t want to do that to them it s the only reason i haven t yet if only i could stop being so damn empathetic to my own detriment i could just stab myself and finally be free | 1 |
i don t have access to a gun and after attempting and going unconscious i don t think i could go through the pain and fear of hanging again i want to overdose with something like fentanyl i guess the only thing i m scared of is getting arrested because of it is there a possession with intent to overdose law do you think i d be charged for more information yo minor perfectly clean record except legal hold for suicide never touched any kind of drug including alcohol legally mentally disabled have a 0 for depression and anxiety | 1 |
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