ysharma/short_jokes · Datasets at Hugging Face

ID int64 1 232k	Joke stringlengths 10 200
7,401	I saw six men carrying a coffin in the cemetery. Two hours later they were still carrying the coffin around the cemetery I thought to myself "They've lost the plot"
7,402	You face Ha got "em"
7,403	Do you know why I have airplane-mode turned on on my phone all the time? 'Cause I'm so fly
7,404	Someone posted an ad claiming she can wax my chest without any pain at all. Sounds nice, but I'm kind of nervous. Do you really think she could pull it off?
7,405	I like to kiss my girlfriends neck. I guess I'm a neck romancer.
7,406	Did you hear about that frog that broke a bone? Yea he broke a ribbet
7,407	Why was the volcano so pleasant to be around? Because he was so magmanimous.
7,408	Jesus may have turned water into wine But I turned a whole student loan check into vodka
7,409	So Trump says he picked a bunch of great people to run the government... But honestly, I've seen better cabinets at IKEA.
7,410	What do you call a penis with bad logic? A phallusy.
7,411	If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday - it's because they've just killed someone right?
7,412	You'll know it's true love when you're in your late 30s and have no other options.
7,413	Interview Boss: Greatest weakness Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics B: Is that here on your resume M: Whoomp, there it is
7,414	Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake. I know this now.
7,415	My black friend asked me... My black friend asked me if there was a colored printer in the library I said wtf man it's 2015 you can use whatever printer you want
7,416	I have my girlfriend a teeth whitening today. Too bad most landed on her chin
7,417	Will net neutrality be defeated? Is the Gangnam Style finally over? Is Tupac really alive? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
7,418	George invited all his friends for a no-masturbation get-together They came within the hour.
7,419	Hey people who don't understand sarcasm, what's it like being so awesome?
7,420	John: There are places... Paul: I remember George: All my life, though... Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
7,421	For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
7,422	Why couldn't the radish finish the race? He was just a little beet.
7,423	How do you start an insect race ? One two flea - go
7,424	I've recently obtained a book on the guidelines of masturbation So far, I've stuck to it.
7,425	What did T say to reassure V? "Don't worry. I'm right behind U."
7,426	What does a dog become after it 6 years old? Seven years old.
7,427	I became an atheist when I found out there was a religion that prohibited bacon.
7,428	Judge: "Reason for divorce?" Me: "Reconcilable differences." Judge: "Don't you mean irreconcilable?" Me: "Ugh. You sound just like her."
7,429	There are 10 types of people in this world Those who can read binary and those who can't.
7,430	cop: "sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood" me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way] cop: "ok that's better"
7,431	What does Gordon Ramsay say when he gets a rash? IT'S FUCKING RAW!
7,432	Latest news from the FIFA corruption scandal: Shock announcement from FIFA's Ethics Committee: "FIFA has an Ethics Committee"
7,433	According to HR, white people aren't issued a race card, and they'd appreciate if I went back to my desk. shrugs
7,434	I hate three things (1) Posting on /r/Jokes (2) Lists (3) Irony
7,435	If i was the Grinch, I wouldn't steal Christmas. I'd steal you.
7,436	What do we want? Race-car noises! When do we want them? Neeeeeeoooooowwwwwwwwwwwwww!
7,437	I'm really regretting getting that discount circumcision... ...it was a total rip-off!
7,438	What do you say when you are comforting a grammar nazi? There, Their, They're
7,439	Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
7,440	What do you do when a horse breaks down? Call triple neighhh!
7,441	I was gonna go as myself for Halloween this year... But after Trump's comment, I think I'm gonna get grabbed a lot
7,442	I walk around with a hockey bag filled with dildos & chihuahua's just in case Paris Hilton fires her assistant and is looking for a new one.
7,443	Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh. Two words: No pants.
7,444	Did you hear that AIDS isn't spread by a virus? Yeah! It's spread by a fungi!!
7,445	What do you call a poster of a sexy pepper? A jalapinup
7,446	Things Michael J. Fox would be good at Grating Parmesan cheese.
7,447	Money cant buy happiness . . . but somehow, its more comfortable to cry in a BMW than on a bicycle.
7,448	I just got carded at Forever 21. This is bullshit!
7,449	There's a little "I'm jealous" in every "whatever."
7,450	Why don't they make bouncy houses for adults? You'd spill your drink.
7,451	[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
7,452	I lost 50 pounds in two days Im never playing poker again
7,453	Damn girl, are you today's date? Because you're 10/10 I know we've been doing anti-joke pick up lines but this only comes once a year.
7,454	What did the halal lettuce say to the halal cucumber ? Lets make salat
7,455	Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours. Him: Why'd you shave it off? Me: I just told you...
7,456	How do you throw an egg at the wall without breaking it? With the chicken still around it
7,457	"I shit you not" - Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
7,458	Which kid? Wife: Honey, i think you don't love our kids equally. It seems you have one that gets less love from you. Husband: Really? Which kid do you mean? Karl, Tina or the fat one
7,459	How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? Trick question. Feminists can't change shit.
7,460	What's the speed limit of sex? 68 Because at 69, you flip over and eat it.
7,461	Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
7,462	I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I'd meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
7,463	I love getting kisses from my dogs but, I'm starting to worry about the one who keeps trying to give me the slow tongue.
7,464	Did you hear that Ellen Degeneres just drowned? They found her face down in Ricki Lake
7,465	I really like the concept of train tickets. It's an idea I could get onboard with.
7,466	Why don't women wear skirts during winter? They'll get chapped lips!
7,467	Have you heard about the first restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.
7,468	Two pieces of asphalt are at a bar A piece of red asphalt walks in. One says to the other "watch out for him, he used to be a cyclepath".
7,469	The guys that taught me every medicine joke I know just arrived at my doorstep. I decided to in-vitamin.
7,470	Why will you never see a stag on the internet? They like to stay anony-moose
7,471	What do you get when you vaporize a king? A noble gas.
7,472	I took some pictures of my girlfriend's butt this morning I'm saving them for posteriority.
7,473	How can you tell if there's a mosquito in your bed? By the "M" on his pajamas.
7,474	A crow once made plans to hang out with me, but he never showed up... ... because he got arrested for attempted murder.
7,475	I was eating at a nice dinner last night and realized that we spend a lot of money on something that is just going to turn to shit. But enough about my romantic relationships.
7,476	He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who's a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.Dog obituary
7,477	Fish and chips joke I draw the line at having fish and chips for breakfast I mean, there's a time and a plaice
7,478	THE TASTE OF A NEW GENERATION What do Brittany Spears and PEPSI have in common? They both have plastic juggs.
7,479	Riding with Uber earlier.. The driver said, "I love my job, I am my own boss. Nobody tells me what to do..." Then I said, "Turn Left.
7,480	My dad wants to open a funeral home.. Doss Family Mortuary : "We'll take care of your stiffies for you"
7,481	You know what would be a good name for a cocaine delivery service company? Instagram
7,482	What body movements alert you that a politician is lying? His lips are moving.
7,483	A giraffe walks into a bar. He slides up to the bar tender and says "High balls are on me".
7,484	There is no such thing as Internet stalking. Stalking requires physical activity. Fun activity like softly brushing your hair at night Sarah
7,485	[Coffee line] Sees cute barista Twirls hair No whipped cream please Sees his backward sunglasses Drops hand Never mind. Load it up.
7,486	The other night I had a dream I was being wanked off by a Ghost. I was scared stiff.
7,487	How do you know you're speaking with an engineer? Don't worry they'll tell you.
7,488	I see said the blind man As he picked up his hammer and saw.
7,489	A short poem for y'all... "Roses are black Violets are black Everything's black Even I am black" - Stevie Wonder
7,490	I just joined Twitter; it's really easy to follow people. Too bad it cuts into my exercise.
7,491	Daddy what is a transvestite? Ask your mommy He knows it.
7,492	Creed is Alter Bridge with a stapp infection.
7,493	How do blonde braincells die? Alone.
7,494	My psychologist says I have trouble identifying my emotions Not quite sure how I feel about it
7,495	The restraining order doesn't mean we can't hang. It just says I can't get within 50ft of you. You wanna play catch or Frisbee or something?
7,496	Eating a full box of chocolate is like shi# posting. After some time you get a lot of backfire and takes a lot of time to get yourself clean.
7,497	Did you hear about the girl who went fishing with three guys? She came back with a red snapper.
7,498	Have you heard about the guy who reanimated the dead? He made Mary Shelly roll over in her grave.
7,499	An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar... The number of occupants exceeds the maximum allowable number for fire safety, and thus the bartender throws them out.
7,500	How to be an asian... Just squint your eyes and say "We all how smaw deek" out loud.

7,401

I saw six men carrying a coffin in the cemetery. Two hours later they were still carrying the coffin around the cemetery I thought to myself "They've lost the plot"

7,402

You face Ha got "em"

7,403

Do you know why I have airplane-mode turned on on my phone all the time? 'Cause I'm so fly

7,404

Someone posted an ad claiming she can wax my chest without any pain at all. Sounds nice, but I'm kind of nervous. Do you really think she could pull it off?

7,405

I like to kiss my girlfriends neck. I guess I'm a neck romancer.

7,406

Did you hear about that frog that broke a bone? Yea he broke a ribbet

7,407

Why was the volcano so pleasant to be around? Because he was so magmanimous.

7,408

Jesus may have turned water into wine But I turned a whole student loan check into vodka

7,409

So Trump says he picked a bunch of great people to run the government... But honestly, I've seen better cabinets at IKEA.

7,410

What do you call a penis with bad logic? A phallusy.

7,411

If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday - it's because they've just killed someone right?

7,412

You'll know it's true love when you're in your late 30s and have no other options.

7,413

Interview Boss: Greatest weakness Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics B: Is that here on your resume M: Whoomp, there it is

7,414

Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake. I know this now.

7,415

My black friend asked me... My black friend asked me if there was a colored printer in the library I said wtf man it's 2015 you can use whatever printer you want

7,416

I have my girlfriend a teeth whitening today. Too bad most landed on her chin

7,417

Will net neutrality be defeated? Is the Gangnam Style finally over? Is Tupac really alive? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z

7,418

George invited all his friends for a no-masturbation get-together They came within the hour.

7,419

Hey people who don't understand sarcasm, what's it like being so awesome?

7,420

John: There are places... Paul: I remember George: All my life, though... Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you

7,421

For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.

7,422

Why couldn't the radish finish the race? He was just a little beet.

7,423

How do you start an insect race ? One two flea - go

7,424

I've recently obtained a book on the guidelines of masturbation So far, I've stuck to it.

7,425

What did T say to reassure V? "Don't worry. I'm right behind U."

7,426

What does a dog become after it 6 years old? Seven years old.

7,427

I became an atheist when I found out there was a religion that prohibited bacon.

7,428

Judge: "Reason for divorce?" Me: "Reconcilable differences." Judge: "Don't you mean irreconcilable?" Me: "Ugh. You sound just like her."

7,429

There are 10 types of people in this world Those who can read binary and those who can't.

7,430

cop: "sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood" me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way] cop: "ok that's better"

7,431

What does Gordon Ramsay say when he gets a rash? IT'S FUCKING RAW!

7,432

Latest news from the FIFA corruption scandal: Shock announcement from FIFA's Ethics Committee: "FIFA has an Ethics Committee"

7,433

According to HR, white people aren't issued a race card, and they'd appreciate if I went back to my desk. *shrugs*

7,434

I hate three things (1) Posting on /r/Jokes (2) Lists (3) Irony

7,435

If i was the Grinch, I wouldn't steal Christmas. I'd steal you.

7,436

What do we want? Race-car noises! When do we want them? Neeeeeeoooooowwwwwwwwwwwwww!

7,437

I'm really regretting getting that discount circumcision... ...it was a total rip-off!

7,438

What do you say when you are comforting a grammar nazi? There, Their, They're

7,439

Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.

7,440

What do you do when a horse breaks down? Call triple neighhh!

7,441

I was gonna go as myself for Halloween this year... But after Trump's comment, I think I'm gonna get grabbed a lot

7,442

I walk around with a hockey bag filled with dildos & chihuahua's just in case Paris Hilton fires her assistant and is looking for a new one.

7,443

Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh. Two words: No pants.

7,444

Did you hear that AIDS isn't spread by a virus? Yeah! It's spread by a fungi!!

7,445

What do you call a poster of a sexy pepper? A jalapinup

7,446

Things Michael J. Fox would be good at Grating Parmesan cheese.

7,447

Money cant buy happiness . . . but somehow, its more comfortable to cry in a BMW than on a bicycle.

7,448

I just got carded at Forever 21. This is bullshit!

7,449

There's a little "I'm jealous" in every "whatever."

7,450

Why don't they make bouncy houses for adults? You'd spill your drink.

7,451

[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators

7,452

I lost 50 pounds in two days Im never playing poker again

7,453

Damn girl, are you today's date? Because you're 10/10 I know we've been doing anti-joke pick up lines but this only comes once a year.

7,454

What did the halal lettuce say to the halal cucumber ? Lets make salat

7,455

Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours. Him: Why'd you shave it off? Me: I just told you...

7,456

How do you throw an egg at the wall without breaking it? With the chicken still around it

7,457

"I shit you not" - Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom

7,458

Which kid? Wife: Honey, i think you don't love our kids equally. It seems you have one that gets less love from you. Husband: Really? Which kid do you mean? Karl, Tina or the fat one

7,459

How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? Trick question. Feminists can't change shit.

7,460

What's the speed limit of sex? 68 Because at 69, you flip over and eat it.

7,461

Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.

7,462

I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I'd meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.

7,463

I love getting kisses from my dogs but, I'm starting to worry about the one who keeps trying to give me the slow tongue.

7,464

Did you hear that Ellen Degeneres just drowned? They found her face down in Ricki Lake

7,465

I really like the concept of train tickets. It's an idea I could get onboard with.

7,466

Why don't women wear skirts during winter? They'll get chapped lips!

7,467

Have you heard about the first restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

7,468

Two pieces of asphalt are at a bar A piece of red asphalt walks in. One says to the other "watch out for him, he used to be a cyclepath".

7,469

The guys that taught me every medicine joke I know just arrived at my doorstep. I decided to in-vitamin.

7,470

Why will you never see a stag on the internet? They like to stay anony-moose

7,471

What do you get when you vaporize a king? A noble gas.

7,472

I took some pictures of my girlfriend's butt this morning I'm saving them for posteriority.

7,473

How can you tell if there's a mosquito in your bed? By the "M" on his pajamas.

7,474

A crow once made plans to hang out with me, but he never showed up... ... because he got arrested for attempted murder.

7,475

I was eating at a nice dinner last night and realized that we spend a lot of money on something that is just going to turn to shit. But enough about my romantic relationships.

7,476

He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who's a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.Dog obituary

7,477

Fish and chips joke I draw the line at having fish and chips for breakfast I mean, there's a time and a plaice

7,478

THE TASTE OF A NEW GENERATION What do Brittany Spears and PEPSI have in common? They both have plastic juggs.

7,479

Riding with Uber earlier.. The driver said, "I love my job, I am my own boss. Nobody tells me what to do..." Then I said, "Turn Left.

7,480

My dad wants to open a funeral home.. Doss Family Mortuary : "We'll take care of your stiffies for you"

7,481

You know what would be a good name for a cocaine delivery service company? Instagram

7,482

What body movements alert you that a politician is lying? His lips are moving.

7,483

A giraffe walks into a bar. He slides up to the bar tender and says "High balls are on me".

7,484

There is no such thing as Internet stalking. Stalking requires physical activity. Fun activity like softly brushing your hair at night Sarah

7,485

[Coffee line] *Sees cute barista* *Twirls hair* No whipped cream please *Sees his backward sunglasses* *Drops hand* Never mind. Load it up.

7,486

The other night I had a dream I was being wanked off by a Ghost. I was scared stiff.

7,487

How do you know you're speaking with an engineer? Don't worry they'll tell you.

7,488

I see said the blind man As he picked up his hammer and saw.

7,489

A short poem for y'all... "*Roses are black* *Violets are black* *Everything's black* *Even I am black*" - Stevie Wonder

7,490

I just joined Twitter; it's really easy to follow people. Too bad it cuts into my exercise.

7,491

Daddy what is a transvestite? Ask your mommy He knows it.

7,492

Creed is Alter Bridge with a stapp infection.

7,493

How do blonde braincells die? Alone.

7,494

My psychologist says I have trouble identifying my emotions Not quite sure how I feel about it

7,495

The restraining order doesn't mean we can't hang. It just says I can't get within 50ft of you. You wanna play catch or Frisbee or something?

7,496

Eating a full box of chocolate is like shi# posting. After some time you get a lot of backfire and takes a lot of time to get yourself clean.

7,497

Did you hear about the girl who went fishing with three guys? She came back with a red snapper.

7,498

Have you heard about the guy who reanimated the dead? He made Mary Shelly roll over in her grave.

7,499

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar... The number of occupants exceeds the maximum allowable number for fire safety, and thus the bartender throws them out.

7,500

How to be an asian... Just squint your eyes and say "We all how smaw deek" out loud.