princeton-nlp/QuRatedPajama-1B_tokens_for_analysis

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A invasão indonésia de Timor-Leste, conhecida na Indonésia como Operação Lotus (), começou em 7 de dezembro de 1975, quando os militares indonésios, com o apoio político e militar dos EUA, invadiram Timor-Leste sob o pretexto de anticolonialismo e anticomunismo. A derrubada de um governo popular e breve liderado pela Fretilin provocou uma ocupação violenta durante um quarto de século em que entre aproximadamente 100 a 180 000 soldados e civis são estimados por terem sido mortos. Durante os primeiros anos da ocupação, os militares indonésios enfrentaram forte resistência no interior montanhoso da ilha, mas a partir de 1977-1978, os militares adquiriram armamento moderno dos Estados Unidos, Austrália e outros países, para destruir o grupo rebelde. No entanto, nas duas últimas décadas do século XX viu-se contínuos embates entre grupos indonésios e timorenses sobre o estatuto de Timor- Leste; até que, os violentos confrontos em 1999, levariam à intervenção da ONU pela Missão das Nações Unidas em Timor-Leste e a realização de um referendo em que os timorenses votaram pela independência, ocorrida em 2002. Antecedentes Timor-Leste deve a sua distinção territorial do restante do Timor, e do arquipélago indonésio como um todo, ao facto de ter sido colonizado pelos portugueses e não pelos holandeses; um acordo dividindo a ilha entre as duas potências foi assinado em 1915. O domínio colonial foi substituído pelos japoneses durante a Segunda Guerra Mundial, cuja ocupação gerou um movimento de resistência que resultou na morte de 60 000 pessoas, 13% da população da época. Após a guerra, as Índias Orientais Holandesas garantiram sua independência quando a República da Indonésia e os portugueses, entretanto, restabeleceram o controle sobre Timor-Leste. Retirada portuguesa e guerra civil De acordo com a Constituição de Portugal anterior a 1974, Timor-Leste, até então conhecido como Timor Português, era uma "província ultramarina", tal como qualquer das províncias fora de Portugal continental. As "províncias ultramarinas" incluíam também Angola, Cabo Verde, Guiné Portuguesa, Moçambique, São Tomé e Príncipe em África; Macau na China; e incluiu os territórios da Índia portuguesa até 1961, quando a Índia invadiu e anexou o território. Em abril de 1974, o Movimento das Forças Armadas (MFA), de esquerda, dentro dos militares portugueses orquestrou um golpe de Estado contra o governo autoritário de direita do Estado Novo em Lisboa (a chamada "Revolução dos Cravos") , e anunciou a sua intenção de retirar-se rapidamente das possessões coloniais de Portugal (incluindo Angola, Moçambique e Guiné, onde os movimentos guerrilheiros pró-independência lutavam desde a década de 1960). Ao contrário das colônias africanas, Timor-Leste não experimentou uma guerra de libertação nacional. Os partidos políticos indígenas rapidamente surgiram em Timor: a União Democrática Timorense (UDT) foi a primeira associação política a ser anunciada após a Revolução dos Cravos. A UDT era originalmente composta por altos líderes administrativos e proprietários de plantações, bem como por líderes tribais nativos. Esses líderes tinham origens conservadoras e mostravam fidelidade a Portugal, mas nunca defenderam a integração com a Indonésia. 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) era composta por administradores, professores e outros "membros recém-recrutados das elites urbanas". A Fretilin rapidamente se tornou mais popular do que a UDT devido a uma variedade de programas sociais que introduziu à população. A UDT e a Fretilin entraram numa coligação em Janeiro de 1975 com o objectivo unificado de autodeterminação. Essa coligação passou a representar quase todo o setor instruído e a grande maioria da população. A Associação Popular Democrática Timorense (APODETI), um terceiro partido menor, também surgiu, e seu objetivo era a integração com a Indonésia. O partido teve pouco apelo popular. Em abril de 1975, conflitos internos dividiram a liderança da UDT, com Lopes da Cruz liderando uma facção que queria abandonar a Fretilin. Lopes da Cruz estava preocupado que a ala radical da Fretilin transformasse Timor-Leste numa frente comunista. A Fretilin considerou esta acusação de conspiração indonésia, pois a ala radical não tinha uma base de poder. A 11 de Agosto, a Fretilin recebeu uma carta dos dirigentes da UDT a pôr termo à coligação. O golpe da UDT foi uma "operação organizada", em que uma demonstração de força nas ruas foi seguida pela tomada de infraestrutura vital, como estações de rádio, sistemas de comunicações internacionais, aeroporto e delegacias de polícia. Durante a guerra civil resultante, os líderes de cada lado "perderam o controlo sobre o comportamento dos seus apoiantes", e enquanto os líderes tanto da UDT como da Fretilin se comportavam com moderação, os apoiantes incontroláveis orquestraram vários expurgos sangrentos e assassinatos. Os líderes da UDT prenderam mais de 80 membros da Fretilin, incluindo o futuro líder Xanana Gusmão. Os membros da UDT mataram uma dezena de membros da Fretilin em quatro locais. As vítimas incluíam um membro fundador da Fretilin e um irmão do seu vice-presidente, Nicolau Lobato. A Fretilin respondeu apelando com sucesso para as unidades militares timorenses treinadas por portugueses. A tomada violenta da UDT provocou assim a guerra civil de três semanas, ao colocar os seus 1 500 soldados contra as 2 000 forças regulares agora lideradas pelos comandantes da Fretilin. Quando os militares timorenses treinados por portugueses mudaram de aliança para a Fretilin, esta passou a ser conhecida como FALINTIL. No final de agosto, os remanescentes da UDT estavam recuando em direção à fronteira indonésia. Um grupo de novecentos da UDT atravessou Timor Ocidental a 24 de Setembro de 1975, seguido por mais de mil outros, deixando a Fretilin no controlo de Timor-Leste durante os três meses seguintes. O número de mortos na guerra civil teria incluído quatrocentas pessoas em Díli e possivelmente mil e seiscentas nas colinas. Motivações indonésias Os nacionalistas indonésios e os militares da linha dura, particularmente líderes da agência de inteligência Kopkamtib e da unidade de operações especiais Opsus, perceberam o golpe português como uma oportunidade para a anexação de Timor-Leste pela Indonésia. O chefe da Opsus e conselheiro próximo do presidente indonésio Suharto, o major-general Ali Murtopo, e o seu protegido, brigadeiro-general Benny Murdani, lideraram as operações de inteligência militar e encabeçaram o esforço pró-anexação da Indonésia. 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am propícios a tais intenções expansionistas; o escândalo financeiro de 1974-1975 em torno da companhia petrolífera Pertamina significou que a Indonésia tinha que ser cautelosa para não alarmar doadores e banqueiros estrangeiros críticos. Assim, Suharto originalmente não apoiava uma invasão de Timor-Leste. Tais considerações foram ofuscadas pelos temores indonésios e ocidentais de que a vitória dos esquerdistas da Fretilin levaria à criação de um Estado comunista na fronteira indonésia que poderia ser usado como base para incursões das potências hostis na Indonésia e uma potencial ameaça aos submarinos ocidentais. Temia-se também que um Timor-Leste independente dentro do arquipélago pudesse inspirar sentimentos secessionistas nas províncias indonésias. Essas preocupações foram usadas com sucesso para angariar o apoio dos países ocidentais interessados em manter boas relações com a Indonésia, particularmente os Estados Unidos, que na época estava concluindo sua retirada da Indochina. As organizações de inteligência militar buscaram inicialmente uma estratégia de anexação não militar, pretendendo utilizar a APODETI como seu veículo de integração. A "Nova Ordem" governante da Indonésia planejou a invasão de Timor-Leste. Não havia liberdade de expressão na "Nova Ordem" Indonésia e, portanto, também não havia necessidade de consultar os timorenses. No início de setembro, cerca de duzentos soldados das forças especiais lançaram incursões, que foram notadas pela inteligência estadunidenses, e em outubro, seguiram-se ataques militares convencionais. Cinco jornalistas, conhecidos como Balibo Five, que trabalhavam para redes de notícias australianas foram executados por tropas indonésias na cidade fronteiriça de Balibo em 16 de outubro. John Taylor escreve que a Indonésia invadiu por três razões principais: (1) para evitar o "exemplo negativo" de uma província independente, (2) para ter acesso às elevadas estimativas iniciais de petróleo e gás natural sob o Mar de Timor (estimativas iniciais que se revelaram amplamente equivocadas) e (3) após a queda do Vietnã do Sul, tornar-se o principal parceiro militar dos Estados Unidos no Sudeste Asiático. Invasão Em 7 de dezembro de 1975, as forças indonésias invadiram Timor-Leste. Operasi Seroja (1975–1977) A Operasi Seroja (Operação Lotus) foi a maior operação militar já realizada pela Indonésia. Após um bombardeio naval de Díli, as tropas marítimas indonésias desembarcaram na cidade enquanto simultaneamente desciam paraquedistas. 641 paraquedistas indonésios saltaram para Díli, onde travaram seis horas de combate com as forças das FALINTIL. De acordo com o autor Joseph Nevins, navios de guerra indonésios bombardearam suas próprias tropas que avançavam e aviões de transporte indonésios lançaram alguns dos seus paraquedistas sobre as forças das Falantil em retirada e sofreram, por conseguinte. Ao meio-dia, as forças indonésias tomaram a cidade ao custo de 35 soldados indonésios mortos, enquanto 122 soldados das FALINTIL morreram no combate. A 10 de Dezembro, uma segunda invasão resultou na captura da segunda maior cidade, Baucau, e no dia de Natal, cerca de 10 000 a 15 000 soldados desembarcaram em Liquiçá e Maubara. 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ia tinha cerca de 35 000 soldados em Timor-Leste, com outros 10 000 de prontidão no Timor Ocidental indonésio. Uma grande proporção dessas tropas eram de comandos de elite da Indonésia. No final do ano, 10 000 soldados ocupavam Díli e outros 20 000 tinham sido destacados para todo o Timor-Leste. Massivamente em menor número, as tropas das FALINTIL fugiram para as montanhas e continuaram as operações de combate de guerrilha. Nas cidades, as tropas indonésias começaram a matar timorenses. No início da ocupação, a rádio FRETILIN transmitiu a seguinte emissão: "As forças indonésias estão a matar indiscriminadamente. Por favor, faça algo para parar esta invasão". Um refugiado timorense contou mais tarde sobre "estupro [e] assassinatos a sangue frio de mulheres e crianças e donos de lojas chinesas". O bispo de Díli na época, Martinho da Costa Lopes, disse mais tarde: "Os soldados que desembarcaram começaram a matar todos que encontravam. Havia muitos cadáveres nas ruas - tudo o que podíamos ver eram os soldados matando, matando, matando". Num incidente, um grupo de cinquenta homens, mulheres e crianças – incluindo o repórter freelance australiano Roger East – foram enfileirados num penhasco fora de Díli e baleados, os seus corpos caíram no mar. Muitos desses massacres ocorreram em Díli, onde os espectadores foram ordenados a observar e contar em voz alta à medida que cada pessoa era executada. Além dos apoiadores da FRETILIN, os migrantes chineses também foram escolhidos para execução; quinhentos foram mortos apenas no primeiro dia. Impasse Embora os militares indonésios tenham avançado em Timor-Leste, a maioria das populações abandonaram as cidades e aldeias invadidas nas áreas costeiras para o interior montanhoso. As forças das FALINTIL, compostas por 2 500 soldados regulares em tempo integral do antigo exército colonial português, foram bem equipadas por Portugal e "restringiram severamente a capacidade do exército indonésio de avançar". Assim, durante os primeiros meses da invasão, o controlo indonésio estava confinado principalmente às principais cidades e aldeias, como Díli, Baucau, Aileu e Same. Ao longo de 1976, os militares indonésios usaram uma estratégia na qual as tropas tentavam mover-se para o interior a partir das áreas costeiras para se juntarem às paraquedistas mais interioranas. Esta estratégia falhou e as tropas receberam forte resistência das FALINTIL. Por exemplo, 3 000 soldados indonésios levaram quatro meses para capturar a cidade de Suai, uma cidade sulista a apenas três quilômetros da costa. Os militares continuaram a restringir a entrada de todos os estrangeiros e timorenses ocidentais em Timor-Leste, e Suharto admitiu em Agosto de 1976 que a Fretilin "ainda possuía alguma força aqui e ali". Em abril de 1977, os militares indonésios enfrentavam um impasse: as tropas não faziam avanços terrestres há mais de seis meses, e a invasão atraiu crescente publicidade internacional adversa. Reação das Nações Unidas Em 12 de dezembro de 1975, a Assembleia Geral das Nações Unidas adotou uma resolução que "deplorou fortemente" a invasão de Timor-Leste pela Indonésia, exigiu que Jacarta retirasse as tropas "sem demora" e permitisse aos habitantes da ilha exercer	-0.245512	0.579875	-0.749084	0.605204	[ -0.32144322435422307, -0.16958046116398554 ]	[ 0.7893783905086992, 0.37037130248222505 ]	[ -0.854338291948449, -0.6438302868415547 ]	[ 0.5557778569571771, 0.6546299271507867 ]	1,024	[ 512, 512 ]	[ 423, 27001, 16995, 316, 29871, 29941, 29945, 29871, 29900, 29900, 29900, 5239, 2255, 953, 7870, 272, 29899, 29931, 4196, 29892, 419, 21950, 29871, 29896, 29900, 29871, 29900, 29900, 29900, 316, 544, 609, 333, 1368, 694, 7870, 272, 438, 29883, 1693, 284, 1399, 265, 743, 601, 29889, 501, 655, 6815, 24719, 2340, 6808, 294, 9201, 294, 604, 314, 316, 20112, 359, 316, 560, 568, 1146, 1894, 265, 743, 423, 29889, 1939, 2186, 437, 19410, 29892, 29871, 29896, 29900, 29871, 29900, 29900, 29900, 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Who we are Legacy institutions What we do Programs News Legacy Transformation Tradition of Giving Hôpital Fondation Adolphe de Rothschild Institut de Biologie Physico-Chimique Edmond de Rothschild Collection at the Louvre OPEJ - baron Edmond de Rothschild Foundation Education and Best Practice The Rothschilds' longstanding commitment to philanthropy dates back to the 19th century. Each generation has upheld a tradition of giving, supporting the social needs and artistic tendencies of their time that span from social housing and healthcare to the arts and education. The philanthropic endeavors of one generation inspired the next, driving each generation to find innovative and creative solutions to social challenges. Their goal has always been to become involved in each philanthropic undertaking, to see it blossom and to help bring it to maturity. The current generation represented by Ariane and Benjamin de Rothschild continue building on this legacy by looking ahead to understand the stakes and anticipate tomorrows' challenges. Today, the Edmond de Rothschild Foundations identify the most inspired projects and innovative partners, as well as manage risk, assist, advise and transmit tools and methodologies. Finally, they evaluate impact to ensure continued performance over time. Their commitment to philanthropy and social transformation is based on a practical entrepreneurial strategy. A unique philanthropic tradition James de Rothschild 1792 - 1868 Betty de Rothschild 1805 - 1886 Founders of the French branch, James de Rothschild and his wife Betty developed ambitious philanthropic works and became leading donors of the French Jewish community, particularly in the domains of poverty alleviation, medicine and the arts. Adolphe de Rothschild 1823 - 1900 Julie de Rothschild 1830 - 1907 In addition to being famous patrons of the arts, Adolphe de Rothschild and his wife Julie from the Vienna branch founded the Fondation Ophtalmologique in 1905 (now known as the Hôpital Fondation Adolphe de Rothschild.) Today, it has risen to the highest ranks in patient care and research worldwide for the treatment of the eye and the brain. Julie also established the Gitana boat league which continues to reflect the Rothschilds' passion for sailing. Edmond James de Rothschild 1845 - 1934 Adélaïde de Rothschild 1853 - 1935 Edmond James de Rothschild and his wife Adélaïde were outstanding patrons of the arts, remembered for their historic donation of the widest collection in the world of old masters' drawings to the Louvre Museum in 1934. In 1921, Edmond co-founded the Edmond de Rothschild Foundation for Scientific Research, paving the way for the creation of the Centre national de la recherche scientifique (CNRS). Finally, Edmond is considered as one of the founders of modern Israel. Maurice de Rothschild 1881 - 1957 Noémie de Rothschild 1888 - 1968 Maurice de Rothschild became a leading force behind Sergei Diaghilev in the establishment of Les Ballets Russes in Paris at the beginning of the 20th century. Through his journeys to Africa, he also supported key scientific discoveries of rare species in fauna and flora. His wife Noémie founded the Megève ski resort in the French Alps which has become famous worldwide. Edmond de Rothschild 1926 - 1997 Nadine de Rothschild 1932 - Edmond de Rothschild with his wife Nadine developed a unique network of foundations in France, Switzerland, the USA and Israel, including the establishment of the Rothschild - Caesarea Foundation. Whether in higher education, arts, or medical research, Edmond became known as one of the most famous patrons of his time and paved the way for the establishment of today's Edmond de Rothschild Foundations. 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Tuesday, Jan 19, 2021 \| Last Update : 12:07 AM IST World Asia 17 Feb 2017 Samsung chief's journey: From USD 4 mn mansion to jail cell with corner toilet World, Asia Samsung chief's journey: From USD 4 mn mansion to jail cell with corner toilet Published : Feb 17, 2017, 1:41 pm IST Updated : Feb 17, 2017, 1:42 pm IST The 48-year-old was arrested early for his alleged role in a corruption scandal that led to impeachment of President Park Geun-hye. Lee Jae-yong, vice chairman of Samsung Electronics Co., gets into a car to leave after attending a hearing at the Seoul Central District Court in Seoul, South Korea. (Photo: AP) Ju-min Park: For Jay Y Lee, the third-generation leader of South Korea's massive Samsung Group and scion of the country's wealthiest family, home is now a 6.56 square meter (71 square foot) detention cell with a toilet in the corner behind a partition. He has no shower, only a wash-stand. Bed is a mattress on the floor. The 48-year-old Lee was arrested early on Friday for his alleged role in a corruption scandal that led to the impeachment of President Park Geun-hye, a decision that is being reviewed by the country's Constitutional Court. He has denied any wrongdoing. Lee is being held in a single cell and will not be allowed contact with other inmates, said an official at the Seoul Detention Centre, a facility on the outskirts of the city where arrested politicians and corporate chieftains are usually held, along with other detainees. "This is a highly public case, and as you know many involved in the case were already here," the official told Reuters. Prison officials don't want Lee discussing the case with others involved in the case, the official said, explaining why the Samsung scion was being held in a single cell. Also, there may be safety issues. "There are concerns about destroying evidence," the official said, adding that Lee was not being given special treatment. Lee's lawyers declined to comment. Lee, who is divorced with two children, has a net worth of $6.2 billion and ordinarily lives in a $4 million Seoul mansion. The Samsung Group he heads is the world's biggest manufacturer of smartphones, flat-screen televisions and memory chips, and Lee is accustomed to rubbing elbows with Silicon Valley titans such as Facebook's Mark Zuckerberg and Apple's Tim Cook. An accomplished equestrian, Lee is also a lifetime member of the Royal and Ancient Golf Club of St. Andrews in Scotland. At the detention centre, Lee will be allowed visitors but they can speak only through a glass partition, for up to 30 minutes at a time. However, inmates are allowed unlimited meeting time with their lawyers. He can exercise, but on his own, for 30 minutes a day. ID check, physical Before he entered his cell, prison officials subjected Lee to an identification check and physical examination, according to the detention centre official, who declined to be identified given the sensitivity of the matter. He showered and was issued an inmate uniform and boxes with toiletries and bedding. Prosecutors have up to 10 days to indict Lee, although they can seek an extension. After indictment, a court would be required to make a ruling within three months. Lee will be given simple 1,443 won ($1.26) meals, usually rice with side-dishes. Anything additional must be bought at the centre's commissary. Meals will be served on plastic trays slid through a small square window in the cell door. Lee is required to wash his own tray. Inside the cell, he can watch TV between 8 a.m. and 6 p.m., but only a single channel with recorded programmes broadcast by the justice ministry. 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Investigation Of Gene Expression Underpinning Partitioning Of ... Youhong Song1, Siyang Liao1, Xin-Ding Wang1, Michael B. Sheahan1, Manohar L. Garg2 and Ray J. Rose1 1 Australian Research Council Centre of Excellence for Integrative Legume Research, School of Environmental and Life Sciences, The University of Newcastle, Newcastle, 2308, Australia Email [email protected] 2 School of Biomedical Sciences and Pharmacy, The University of Newcastle, Newcastle, 2308, Australia Legume seed store considerable protein and oil, and also starch in some species, however, the composition of storage compounds largely varies with the species. The molecular mechanism of seed storage partitioning remains to be clarified. In this paper, Medicago truncatula (the model legume) and Medicago orbicularis were used to compare the molecular basis underlying the partitioning of seed storage compounds. Seeds of M. orbicularis and M. truncatula were sampled at 10, 14, 18, 22 and 26 days after anthesis and at the time of maturation. M. orbicularis had a similar dry weight (4 mg per seed) to M. truncatula, but only accumulated around a third of seed storage protein and oil. The less seed protein and oil content was due to the lower expression of master transcription factors LEAFY COTYLEDON1-Like (L1L) and ABA INSENSITIVE 3 (ABI3), in M. orbicularis. M. orbicualris had similar expression of AGPase (a major enzyme controlling starch synthesis) to M. truncatula, suggesting that M. orbicularis did not switch carbon flow to the starch pathway. The findings in this study can be implied for molecular breeding or genetic transformation towards improving protein/oil production for food nutrition or biofuel purposes. Gene regulation, transcription factors, seed, protein and oil storage Legume seed accumulates considerable protein and oil, and also starch in some species such as pea and chickpea. The composition of seed storage compounds largely varies with legume species. The pathway to seed storage biosynthesis has been made clear, however, the mechanisms of controlling carbon flow into different storage compounds is still not well understood. Many studies have shown that seed development and maturation are tightly regulated by transcriptional factors i.e. LEAFY COTYLEDON 1 (LEC1) or Like (L1L), LEAFY COTYLEDON 2 (LEC2), FUSCA3 (FUS3) and ABSCISIC ACID-INSENSITIVE3 (ABI3) (reviewed in Braybrook and Harada 2008). A common effect of the mutation of these genes is a striking reduction of seed protein and oil production (Meinke et al. 1994). These transcriptional factors function by binding (Yamamoto et al. 2009) on the promoter in storage proteins (Kroj et al. 2003) or enzymes of fatty acid biosynthesis (Mu et al. 2008). LEC1 or L1L, FUS3 and ABI3 have been identified in legumes based on ontological analysis (Verdier et al. 2008). Medicago truncatula, a legume model (Rose 2008; Thompson et al. 2009), contains about 10% oil in the mature seed (Wang et al. 2012). Medicago orbicularis has been reported to have 3% oil in the seed (Tonnet and Snudden 1974), which provides a natural species to be used in investigating the regulation of seed storage accumulation in legumes. M. truncatula has been well sequenced and well annotated (Thompson et al. 2009), and M. orbicularis is a very close species to M. truncatula (Tonnet and Snudden 1974), which facilitates to study gene expression comparisons in great details using a natural system. Therefore, this study compared the molecular basis during seed storage process between M. truncatula and M. orbicularis. 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and seed isolation M. truncatula and M. orbicularis were grown in the glasshouse with a 14 h photoperiod, a 200-μmol/m/s2 lighting intensity and 23/19°C day/night temperature regime. Flowers once fully open were tagged for use to indicate seed developmental stages. Seeds at 10, 14, 18, 22 and 26 days after anthesis (DAA) and when mature were isolated. Protein and lipid assay The determination of seed protein and oil content was described as Wang et al. (2012). Here we only introduced the methods briefly. Two seeds (5–10 mg) with three replicates at each stage were ground in 500 μL of extraction buffer (50 mM HEPES, 5 mM MgCl2, 5 mM DTT, 1 mM EDTA, 3 mg/mL polyvinylpyrrolidone and 10% (v/v) ethylene glycol (pH 7.5). After having extracted soluble protein, the insoluble protein was extracted by adding 500 μL of 1M NaOH into the pellet and vortexing for 15 min. Bradford assay method was used to measure soluble and insoluble protein. Lipid extraction was based on the method of Folch et al. (1957). The seeds (50–100 mg) were homogenised with chloroform: methanol (2:1, v:v). After dispersion, the mixture was agitated for 15–20 min in an orbital shaker at room temperature. The homogenate was centrifuged to recover the liquid phase. The solvent was washed with 0.2 volumes of a 0.9% NaCl solution, vortexed and then centrifuged at 3000 g. The upper phase was discarded and the lower phase containing the lipids evaporated under a nitrogen stream. The weight of lipids was weighed and the oil content was calculated by dividing lipid weight with fresh weight of seeds. Real time quantative PCR (qPCR) RNA was extracted from growing seeds with three biological repeats using the RNAqueous-4PCR kit (Ambion). Genomic DNA was removed using DNase treatment after RNA isolated. cDNA synthesis was performed with a SuperScript III first-strand synthesis system (Invitrogen) using 1 μg of total RNA and oligo(dT) primers. Primers were designed using Primer3 (http://frodo.wi.mit.edu/primer3). The sequence of M. truncatula was from the database provided by phytozome 8.0 (http://phytozome.net/). The primers for M. truncatula were used to sequence selected genes with Australian Genome Research Facility (AGRF, http://www.agrf.org.au/). Once the existence of the gene had been confirmed in M. orbicularis, the comparisons of gene expression between species were then conducted. qPCR reactions were performed in triplicate (15-μL sample volume) using Platinum Taq PCR polymerase and 2-μM SYTO9 fluorescent dye (Invitrogen). Expression was calculated by relating to 10 DAA. Results shown are means ± standard error of three biological repeats. Protein and oil accumulation The main storage proteins in legume seeds are globulin legumins and vicilins that both have a few isoforms. The accumulation of globulin storage protein and oil content and oil content of seed in M. truncatula and M. orbicularis are shown in Figure 1. The main storage protein in M. orbicularis was clearly lower than in M. truncatula (Figure 1a). M. truncatula seed contained 28% protein while M. orbicualris seed contained 8% protein only when the seed was fully mature. Lipid accumulation in M. orbiculars was also far below that in M. truncatula during seed maturation. 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mature (Figure 1b), which was consistent with Djemel et al. (2005) and Tonnet and Snudden (1974). The variation of storage protein and oil in the two close Medicago species provided a natural system to investigate the gene regulation underlying the accumulation of storage compounds. Figure 1. (a) Total protein and (b) oil accumulation during seed development in M. truncatula and M. orbicularis (Vertical bars indicate standard errors; arrow bars indicate mature stages). Gene expression of master transcription factors Time course of LEC1, L1L, FUS3 and ABI3 expression in M. truncatula and M. orbiculari is shown in Figure 2. Gene expression of LEC1, L1L, FUS3 and ABI3 followed similar patterns in both species during seed maturation. Little LEC1 was expressed in either species (data not shown). L1L and FUS3 peaked at 14 DAA and declined during seed maturation, while ABI3 increased and reached a plateau at 18 DAA in M. truncatula, and at 14 DAA in M. orbiculari (Figure 2). L1L was significantly lower from 10 and 18 DAA in M. orbicularis (Figure 2a), while ABI3 was significantly lower after 14 DAA (Figure 2c). FUS3 expression was similar in both species (Figure 2b). The result suggested that L1L and ABI3 were mainly responsible for the reduction of seed protein and oil in M. orbicularis. Figure 2. (a) L1L, (b) FUS3 and (c) ABI3 gene expression during seed development in M. truncatula and M. orbicularis (Vertical bars indicate standard errors). Starch biosynthesis activity The average seed dry weight was 4 mg/seed for both Medicago species, while protein and oil content in M. truncatula is much greater than in M. orbicularis. Here we checked if the lower protein and oil content would result in a switch on starch synthesis. ADP-glucose pyrophosphorylase (AGPase) has a central role in starch biosynthesis. It catalyses the first step of starch biosynthesis by generating the sugar nucleotide ADP-glucose from glucose 1-phosphate. Gene expression of a small subunit of AGPase enzyme i.e. Medtr3g107090 in M. orbicularis was higher before 16 DAA than M. truncatula, but the other small subunit i.e. Medtr5g104670 showed much lower expression (Figure 3), which suggested that AGPase activity in M. orbicularis was even weaker than in M. truncatula. Further starch assay indicated that both species accumulated only a trace amount of starch with less than 2% of seed dry weight, but M. orbicularis was slightly lower (data not shown). This suggested that M. orbicularis might switch seed protein and oil to cell wall polysaccharides in cotyledon cells, which supports the finding that protein and oil was inversely related to cell wall polysaccharides (CWP) in soybean (Stombaugh et al. 2003). The measurement on content of cell wall polysaccharides for both Medicago species is necessary in the future. Figure 3. Gene expression of AGPase small subunits (a) Medtr3g107090 and (b) Medtr5g104670 during seed development in M. truncatula and M. orbicularis (Vertical bars indicate standard errors). M. truncatula and another close species M. orbicularis showed different seed storage composition. Seed of M. orbicularis accumulated less protein and oil than that of M. truncatula. Gene expression data revealed that L1L and ABI3 were most likely responsible for the lower content of storage protein and oil in M. orbicularis. L1L or ABI3 can thus be the target for regulating the flow of storage compounds, for example, over-expression of L1L may result in more protein and oil accumulation. Compared to M. truncatula, M. orbicularis had a similar seed dry weight, but lower protein and oil content. 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addition, both Medicago species had similar, low starch content. Together, the comparisons suggested that M. orbicularis might switch the synthesis of seed protein and oil to other pathways such as biosynthesis of cell wall polysaccharides. The findings in this study can be used for directing molecular breeding or genetic transformation towards improving protein/oil production for food nutrition or biofuel use. Overall, this study has showed that M. orbicularis is a promising model to study the mechanisms of regulating carbon and nitrogen flow in legumes. Braybrook SA and Harada JJ (2008). LECs go crazy in embryo development. Trends in Plant Science 13, 624–630. Djemel N, Guedon D, Lechevalier A, Salon C, Miquel M, Prosperi JM, Rochat C and Boutin JP (2005). Development and composition of the seeds of nine genotypes of the Medicago truncatula species complex. Plant Physiology and Biochemistry 43, 557–566. Folch J, Lees M, Sloane Stanley GH (1957). 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Thompson R, Burstin J and Gallardo K (2009). Post-genomics studies of developmental processes in legume seeds. Plant Physiology 151, 1023–1029. Tonnet M and Snudden P (1974). Oil and protein content of the seeds of some pasture legumes. Australian Journal of Agricultural Research 25, 767–774. Verdier J, Kakar K, Gallardo K, Le Signor C, Aubert G, Schlereth A, Town CD, Udvardi MK and Thompson RD (2008). Gene expression profiling of M. truncatula transcription factors identifies putative regulators of grain legume seed filling. Plant Molecular Biology 67, 567–580. Wang XD, Song Y, Sheahan MB, Garg ML and Rose RJ (2012). From embryo sac to oil and protein bodies: embryo development in the model legume Medicago truncatula. New Phytologist 193, 327–338. Yamamoto A, Kagaya Y, Toyoshima R, Kagaya M, Takeda S and Hattori T (2009). Arabidopsis NF-YB subunits LEC1 and LEC1-LIKE activate transcription by interacting with seed-specific ABRE-binding factors. 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To get you started, you will find over 100 templates to Select from and can be filtered by industry. The templates are sorted by conversion rate that's very useful. It provides users with an chance to pick a proven template according to Leadpages' data. Do note, however, that there are many factors which Influence conversion rate. Since the templates are customizable, it is difficult to attribute conversion to the template alone. For what it's worth, Leadpages claim it as its most powerful and one of a kind sorting attribute. You can perform A/B testing so you can decide Which landing pages work great. You are able to assess your performance during the built in analytics (you are able to incorporate it using Facebook Pixel and Google Analytics). This nifty box may either pop up mechanically or Be triggered by a state you set. The most popular affliction is possibly the 2-step opt-in where a visitor has to click a button to the pop-up box to appear. If done correctly, Leadboxes could increase involvement And bring about more prospects for your company. Much like the landing pages, there's a drag-and-drop editor for Leadboxes to make it easier for users to get up and running in minutes. The rationale behind this one is construct a text list. Thus, instead of merely collecting email addresses, you can get folks on a listing with their phone numbers. This could be incredibly valuable particularly with the younger generation that is more likely to text than email. Once the recipient clicks on that linkthey are Instantly enrolled. They won't be required to enter additional information. This is especially useful for webinar registration and so on. After a quick registration process, you'll enter The dashboard and also be encouraged to make your very first effort. By default, you are taken to Leadpages at which you are able to make a landing page. You are able to access the site's other features through the navigation bar. To Begin your first landing page, click on the Let's Do It button. The website will help you through the process by asking you questions about the nature of your landing page. You'll be granted access to all of the available templates provided after. As an alternative, you can get the templates directly through the navigation bar. Now, It's important to note that there Are two types of templates out there. First, you've got drag-and-drop templates that are more customizable and contemporary. Then you have your regular templates that are tried and tested to guarantee high conversion rates. Standard templates are straightforward with small Room for alteration. You will have the ability to edit the text and substitute the sample images but won't be able to move any of the elements around. You may elect to conceal any element you don't have any use for but users need to do this with caution. Hiding elements can lead to apparently empty spaces. By dragging and dropping widgets into your landing Webpage, you're ready to insert new elements to edit. You can add text, headlines, pictures, videos, buttons, and much more. It's here where you are going to encounter one of Leadpages' most notorious kinks. The site's drag-and-drop performance is faulty. Putting elements where you need them may be a pain. For starters, you may just set them in areas that the template allows you to. You will find grids where widgets could be inserted while some other areas are off limits. Then there is the matter with precision. The widgets have a tendency to snap into position. And as is the case throughout our testing, they wind up nowhere close to its intended destination. Editing the text and images, however, is a cinch. Click here on any placeholder text and replace the existing one . You may resize and move parts. Page Layout enables you to make changes to each section of your landing page. Here You can fine-tune the looks of your webpage as you would through CSS only simpler. You'll find all your stored landing pages at the dashboard. You can return and create further edits, rename the document, produce a split evaluation (A/B testing), duplicate the landing page, or have it deleted. Customer support does exist but priority is given To innovative subscribers. They have access to some 1-on-1 Quick Start Telephone as well as free virtual workshops. Those below the standard plan might need to contend with chat service (9 AM to 5 PM Central time during weekdays) or start a support ticket. 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Philip Alves journalist · educator · web guy Vaughan Today FPCBP Magazine Toronto Observer Story Arts Centre Blog kapiTal Magazine My Media Biz Multiplatform Lab Web Guy Doctor saved twice from Nazis by Raoul Wallenberg Jan 24, 2007 by Philip Alves in National Post Dr. Stephen Lazarovits, a man who escaped the wrath of Hungarian fascists twice during the Second World War, has died. He was 86. He died suddenly of natural causes on Jan. 14 in his Toronto home. Born on Dec. 20, 1920, in Budapest, he was destined to be a healer. Determined to study medicine like his father and grandfather before him, he was accepted to university in 1938, one of only six Jews. There Lazarovits faced increasing anti- Semitism in the months before war ravaged Europe. In the latter days of the Second World War, Lazarovits was caught in an Arrow Cross Party roundup and loaded onto a train bound for Auschwitz. It was then, while still at the station, that he first encountered Swedish diplomat and hero Raoul Wallenberg. "Raoul looked at him and said to the commandant: 'I processed this man. He can go.' That was the first time he saved him," Daisy Lazarovits, the deceased's second wife and widow, said. Wallenberg is credited with saving thousands of Hungarian Jews from the Holocaust by issuing invalid Swedish passports that looked real enough to fool fascist officials. The second encounter occurred when Arrow Cross operatives raided Swedish House, where Lazarovits tended to patients. "Somebody alerted Wallenberg who came and started yelling at them. He single-handedly got those people out," she said. Even amidst all this, Lazarovits found time for romance. He had been courting a young Daisy Bartok, proposing to her sometime around 1945. She turned him down and married another man, but their story would not end there. Lazarovits went on to marry Susan Angyal, his first wife, and welcomed his only child, Andrew, in the years between the liberation of Hungary and the brutal Soviet repression of the Hungarian Revolution in 1956. In the same period, Lazarovits was forced into the military, becoming a colonel in the medical corps and running an army hospital until he and his family could escape. "He carried his son on his shoulders across a river to where Austrian students were waiting to take them to a safe place," Daisy said. From there, he found his way to Canada, where he became one of the first physicians to administer care to Toronto's Italian immigrant community. "He perfected his Italian instead of his English," she said. "He learned not only Italian," said Suzanne Farkas, his stepdaughter and Daisy's daughter. "As new immigrant communities came in, he made a point of trying to learn their language." At the height of his medical practice, lines of patients outside his office at the corner of Ossington Avenue and Dundas Street were common. Daisy said her late husband's popularity was due at least in part to the way he cared for people, which included making house calls. "He was one of the old-fashioned doctors that we don't have anymore," she said. Lazarovits was married to his first wife, Susan, for nearly 40 years before she died suddenly in 1987. Thirteen years later, tragedy struck again when his 45-yearold son, Andrew, died of a brain tumour, cutting short the life of the fourth-generation doctor. Having retired in 1991, Lazarovits kept active by travelling, researching and writing medical papers and taking university courses. The well-spoken doctor was also in demand to speak at weddings and anniversary celebrations, Daisy said. A lover of poetry, Lazarovits was a close friend and physician to Hungarian poet George Faludy and was instrumental in having a Toronto parkette named for him in 2006. Ever the romantic, Lazarovits rekindled his courtship of Daisy following the death of first wife. 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Posted inLife Americans underestimate public support for key gun policies Our misperception makes us less likely to speak out on the issue by Ohio State University December 22, 2020 December 22, 2020 December 22, 2020 – Gun safety policies, including universal background checks and mandatory waiting periods, receive wide support among American gun owners, yet most Americans fail to recognize this fact, a new study suggests. That disconnect may make it hard to adopt these policies, according to the researchers. The study found that when people learned about the true levels of support for these policies, they were more likely to say both in public and private that they would support the policies. That was true for gun owners as well as those who don't own guns. "Many Americans misperceive the opinion climate about gun safety, and that may inhibit their willingness to express their support in public," said Graham Dixon, lead author of the study and assistant professor of communication at The Ohio State University. "When corrected, both gun owners and non-gun owners express stronger public support for these policies." The study was published today in JAMA Network Open. The researchers examined support for three gun-safety policies: universal background checks, mandatory waiting periods, and safe storage laws. In January 2019, the research firm Ipsos administered a survey for the researchers with a nationally representative sample of 508 adults. Gun owners represented 30% of the sample, mirroring Gallup's recent finding in a nationally representative poll. More than 90% of both gun owners and non-gun owners said they supported universal background checks. About 85% of non-gun owners and 72% percent of gun owners supported mandatory waiting periods, and 83% of non-gun owners and 63% of gun owners supported safe storage laws. "The key finding was that despite high levels of support for these policies, most people significantly underestimated support among gun owners," Dixon said. Depending on the issue and whether gun owners or non-gun owners were asked, people surveyed underestimated gun owner support for these policies by between 12 and 31 percentage points. "What's striking is that most gun owners don't realize how much their fellow gun owners support these policies," Dixon said. What happens when gun owners do find out? The researchers explored that in a second study involving 400 gun owners from across the country. The data were collected by YouGov in April 2020. In this study, participants were randomly assigned to a message that either informed them of the wide gun owner support for universal background checks and mandatory waiting periods, or excluded that information. Gun owners who were told about the high level of support for these policies among their fellow owners expressed stronger private support for these policies than those who were not told. The better-informed gun owners also reported that they would publicly disclose stronger support of mandatory waiting periods to others. "This is important, because it shows that if gun owners recognized how strongly their fellow gun owners support key gun safety policies, they might be more willing to speak out in favor themselves," Dixon said. A similar study was done with 354 college students, most of whom were not gun owners. As with the gun owners, they were also more likely to privately and publicly support universal background checks and mandatory waiting periods when they were informed of the strong support among gun owners for these policies. In the studies with the gun owners and college students, the researchers also tested if learning the true level of support for gun safety policies would affect behaviors, such as the willingness to sign petitions on the issue. No changes in behavior were found. "Simply correcting people's opinion climate on gun policy may not be enough to encourage specific actions, like petition signing or donations to advocacy groups," he said. But Dixon said he was encouraged that simply providing people with accurate information did affect their private and public support. "Our findings shed additional light on how people's perceived opinion climates can shape their private and public attitudes toward gun safety policies," he said. "More practically, our study suggests that correcting misperceived opinion climates might be a useful strategy for policymakers and advocates in encouraging both private and public support for gun safety policies." 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Buying or selling a property is the biggest, most valuable transaction most of us will make in our lives – so it's no surprise that it can be stressful. Conveyancing is an essential part of the home buying and selling process, and it involves a great deal of work and skill. That's why it's important to instruct experienced lawyers to take care of the legal aspects of the sale and purchase of your property. Here at Claphams, we offer a specialist residential conveyancing service. As part of our partner-led personal conveyancing service, you will have access to an expert conveyancing solicitor, who is contactable whenever you need them during your conveyancing transaction. We've helped numerous first-time buyers and repeat clients in Clarkston, Newton Mearns, Netherlee, Giffnock, East Kilbride and the greater Glasgow area achieve a smooth, stress-free property transaction. 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Here at Claphams Solicitors, we are always upfront about our costs. Whilst many firms may provide a quote that seems like a great deal, they will fail to disclose essential add on services such as searches as part of this quote. We have no hidden costs and our search reports are extremely competitive. We also do not receive any commission on the reports we instruct so you can be sure we will always look for the best deal for you. The price we are charged is the price you pay, always. Claphams are on all main lendors panels, including Halifax, Virgin, LLoyds, Bank of Ireland, Accord, Bank of Scotland, RBS, Natwest, Santander, First Direct, Yorkshire Building Society, Credit Union, Leeds, Nationwide, TSB, Cheltenham & Gloucester, Barclays, Cooperative, Clydesdale, Skipton & Woolwich. Partner, Debra Clapham, has been involved in legal education in Glasgow for some 16 years, including as Senior Tutor and Course Director in Conveyancing at the University of Glasgow for several years. Debra is also Editor of a conveyancing textbook recommended widely as essential reading in Scotland's University Law programmes. The book, "An Introduction to Basic Scottish Conveyancing" is used widely by students, legal trainees, paralegals as well as seasoned practitioners as a reference and guide to the current law in Scotland. The book deals with the full breadth of conveyancing law, from mortgages and tenancy issues to registering the property on the Land Register. To read this online, please click here. With Debra at the helm of our conveyancing department, you can rest assured your property transactions are in good hands. 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©iStock.com/EvgeniiAnd Dedication _For Jesse. Who else?_ Contents 1. DEDICATION 2. Contents 3. WHAT IS GLOP? 4. [ ©baur/Shutterstock Achieve ](9780062658005_Part_1.xhtml#pt1) 1. BEAUTY 1. How to Make Your Hair Say "I Care about Water Quality in the Developing World, but Not in a Depressing Way" 2. Natural Botox: Mummification and Then Lying Motionless in a Sarcophagus 3. My Best Organic Beauty Secret: Being Born to Extremely Attractive Parents 4. What's Wrong with Your Vagina?! 2. DETOXES 1. _Raw_ Raw Honey Detox 2. Raw Ice Detox 3. Ultra-Refined Vibrance Powder Detox 4. Edamame-Pods-That-Have-Been-Discarded-by-the-Cultural-Elite Detox 5. Locked in a Room with No Doors and No Windows Detox 3. HEALTH 1. 5 Everyday Things That Can Turn Water into Poison 2. Choosing the Right Shaman to Bring on Your Family Vacation 3. The Beginner's Guide to Sweating 4. Cut Loose with These 6 Fresh Weekend Colonics 5. 15 Things You Didn't Know Were Toxic and Now You Have to Stay Away Forever 4. FITNESS 1. 3 At-Home Workouts So Easy, an Academy Award–Winning Actress with Full-Time Nannies Could Do Them 2. Inspirational Quotes from My Beloved Personal Trainer 3. Workout Wear for Maximum Impact & Minimal Moving 4. Easy Travel Fitness Hacks to Make Sure You Never Have an Excuse to Stop Exercising 5. NUTRITION 1. The Glop Guide to What Foods Should Be Replaced by Pills, What Foods Should Be Replaced with Broths, and What Foods Should Be Replaced by Fart-Smelling Green Powders 2. Shopping at The Organic Grocery Store: It's Not Just for Poor People! 3. How to Source the Freshest Bones for Your Bone Broth, "Legally" 4. You Need to Eat Bees. Now! 5. The Ultimate Guide to Cheat Days 5. [ ©Depositphotos Exist ](9780062658005_Part_2.xhtml#pt2) 1. SITTING VERY STILL & STARING AHEAD BLANKLY 1. Sitting Very Still & Staring Ahead Blankly: A 21-Day Plan 2. WORK & FINANCES 1. Invite Abundance into Your Life by Having More Money 2. Quality, Not Quantity (But Also Quantity) 3. The Universe's #1 Financial Law: If You're Poor, It's Because You Keep Thinking about Being Poor 4. Learning What a "Boss" Is So You Can Explain That You Are Your Own 3. PARENTHOOD 1. 9 Additives I Can't Believe You Let Your Children Go Near 2. Are Wi-Fi Rays Why Your Baby Can't Speak French? 3. Trending Baby Names 4. How to Tell Your Nanny How to Guide Your Kids Through the Ups and Downs of Adolescence 5. 3 Must-Have Apps to Help You Remember Which of Your Kids Is Into Ballet Now, or Dinosaurs, or Something 6. 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an Lama 4. RELATIONSHIPS 1. Finding a Couples Therapist Who Will Always Take Your Side 2. The Best Organic Fiber Couches to Make Him Sleep on Tonight 3. How to Do "Sex" 4. Sitting Very Still & Staring Ahead Blankly: For Him _and_ Her 5. SPIRITUALITY 1. How Quantum Physics Discovered That Nothing Actually Exists & What This Means for Your Cleanse 2. Are You Doing Yoga Wrong or Just Mostly Wrong? 3. Glop's Resident Spiritual Advisor, Guelph, on How Suffering Is Inevitable in This Life 4. But Is Suffering Really Inevitable in _My_ Life? 6. [ ©sacura/Shutterstock Create ](9780062658005_Part_3.xhtml#pt3) 1. RECIPES 1. _Appetizer_ : "Fish" "Tacos" 2. _Meat_ : Roasted Chicken with Thrushed Nerfherders, Two Ways 3. _Vegetable_ : Easy, Filling Asparagus-Quinoa-Sriracha-Vellum-Bee Clavicle-Bone Fragments from the Reliquary of Saint Abban Magheranoidhe Smoothie 4. _Dessert_ : "Vanilla" "Ice Cream" Made with Rock Milk and Nut Gel 2. ENTERTAINING 1. How to Find Locally Sourced, Sustainable Karaoke 2. Tips for Throwing a Party That Screams, "I Have Two Black Friends!" 3. How to Let Leonardo DiCaprio Know That Your Carbon Footprint Is Smaller Than His 4. G's Favorite Party Games 7. [ ©Depositphotos Gain ](9780062658005_Part_4.xhtml#pt4) 1. BEAUTY 1. The Biggest Beauty Secret of All: Confidence (Also, Lasers) 2. G's Personal Stash: Use Crystals to Distract Yourself from the So-Called "Realities" of Aging 3. How to Purchase Healthy, Nontoxic Makeup (from Glop) 4. 3 Amazing Skin Products You Should Have Started Using 10 Years Ago and Now It's Way Too Late for Them to Make Any Kind of Difference 5. How to Smell like Glop 2. FASHION 1. Socially Conscious Fashion: I'm Still Going to Wear Leather, Though, I Mean Come On 2. Everyday Basics That Cost $1,000 but You'd Understand Why if You Could You Could Touch Them (You Will Never Touch Them) 3. The Glop Guide to the Right Outfit for the Right Occasion 4. Solving the Cultural Appropriation Dilemma by Appropriating from Cultures That Don't Exist 3. HOME 1. The Only Bidets You'll Ever Need 2. Décor I Would Never Personally Buy, but Maybe It Would Look Nice in Your Smaller Home? 3. How to Decorate the Wings of Your Home That You Have Closed Off 4. A Bunch of Expensive Fucking Pots, Just Because 4. GIFTS 1. 3 Gifts That Say, "Sting, I'm Sorry, Can We Talk? This Isn't Easy for Me, Either" 2. 7 Easy Hostess Gifts for the Woman Who Literally Has _Everything_ 3. Birthday Gifts for Your Friend Who You Know Wants a Cartier Watch but You Don't Think She Deserves It 4. What to Buy for Your Friend Who Lets Her Kids Eat White Flour 5. KIDS! 1. 4 Endangered Species Protection Society Memberships to	-0.05915	-0.033639	-0.086333	-0.819697	[ 0.22505727181628235, -0.34335803121820324 ]	[ -0.16905555763732769, 0.10177701528576726 ]	[ 0.4201228233071462, -0.5927884362056963 ]	[ -0.7436065920351386, -0.8957867527279323 ]	1,024	[ 512, 512 ]	[ 273, 365, 3304, 13, 268, 29946, 29889, 3579, 1525, 29931, 8098, 7068, 5690, 29903, 1068, 13, 539, 29896, 29889, 383, 4015, 263, 19565, 2701, 25451, 481, 391, 11644, 2811, 29849, 11190, 3575, 19160, 13, 539, 29906, 29889, 450, 6407, 9205, 293, 383, 12347, 315, 3222, 267, 304, 8561, 18136, 317, 5436, 373, 17812, 523, 13, 539, 29941, 29889, 1128, 304, 1938, 376, 29903, 735, 29908, 13, 539, 29946, 29889, 317, 5367, 18064, 12074, 669, 624, 4362, 319, 2813, 3164, 804, 368, 29901, 1152, 18136, 903, 392, 29918, 2439, 13, 268, 29945, 29889, 3579, 29903, 2227, 29934, 1806, 29965, 1964, 11937, 1068, 13, 539, 29896, 29889, 1128, 22746, 398, 29837, 8565, 957, 287, 2193, 9531, 12823, 1222, 2879, 669, 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Get Your Children Instead of What They Really Want 2. 4 Best Caviarz for Kids 3. Family Fun Picks from My Children, Perforated Hespadrille and Choade 8. [ ©Depositphotos Look At ](9780062658005_Part_5.xhtml#pt5) 1. The Glop Guide to Spending a Ton of Money in Paris 2. 10 Must-See TED Talks to Expand Your Horizons Without Ever Leaving Your Sensory Deprivation Chamber 9. How Will Glop Change Your Life? 10. Acknowledgments 11. About the Author 12. Credits 13. Copyright 14. About the Publisher # Guide 1. Cover 2. Contents 3. Chapter 1 1. i 2. ii 3. iii 4. iv 5. v 6. vi 7. vii 8. viii 9. ix 10. x 11. xi 12. xii 13. xiii 14. xiv 15. 16. 17. 18. 19. 20. 21. 22. 23. 24. 25. 26. 27. 28. 29. 30. 31. 32. 33. 34. 35. 36. 37. 38. 39. 40. 41. 42. 43. 44. 45. 46. 47. 48. 49. 50. 51. 52. 53. 54. 55. 56. 57. 58. 59. 60. 61. 62. 63. 64. 65. 66. 67. 68. 69. 70. 71. 72. 73. 74. 75. 76. 77. 78. 79. 80. 81. 82. 83. 84. 85. 86. 87. 88. 89. 90. 91. 92. 93. 94. 95. 96. 97. 98. 99. 100. 101. 102. 103. 104. 105. 106. 107. 108. 109. 110. 111. 112. 113. 114. 115. 116. 117. 118. 119. 120. 121. 122. 123. 124. 125. 126. 127. 128. 129. 1	-1.780148	-2.118602	-1.781334	-2.487825	[ -0.9501242462646542, -2.610170866211152 ]	[ -1.7175016233249067, -2.519703227751661 ]	[ -0.9646647765526648, -2.5980039969001343 ]	[ -2.1496472220258225, -2.8260034917715724 ]	1,024	[ 512, 512 ]	[ 3617, 3575, 20986, 8669, 310, 1724, 2688, 830, 635, 399, 424, 13, 539, 29906, 29889, 29871, 29946, 6407, 20354, 4447, 29920, 363, 476, 4841, 13, 539, 29941, 29889, 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30. 131. 132. 133. 134. 135. 136. 137. 138. 139. 140. 141. 142. 143. 144. 145. 146. 147. 148. 149. 150. 151. 152. 153. 154. 155. 156. 157. 158. 159. 160. 161. 162. 163. 164. 165. 166. 167. 168. 169. 170. 171. 172. 173. 174. 175. 176. 177. 178. 179. 180. 181. 182. 183. 184. 185. 186. 187. 188. 189. 190. 191. 192. 193. 194. 195. 196. 197. 198. 199. 200. 201. 202. 203. 204. 205. 206. 207. 208. 209. 210. 211. 212. 213. 214. 215. 216. 217. 218. 219. 220. 221. 222. 223. 224. 225. 226. 227. 228. 229. 230. 231. 232. 233. 234. 235. 236. 237. 238. 239. 240. ©Depositphotos What Is Glop? Recently, at an after-party celebrating the opening of a new chain of ultra-luxe, high-end sweat lodges, I was having a wonderful time chatting with Dave Grohl, Melinda Gates, Naomi Campbell, Justin Trudeau, and the shark from _Finding Nemo_. We were having great wine, great conversation, and great paleo "pizzatizers" (cucumbers, bee pollen, and a glass of strained water), when Dave asked me what my lifestyle website, Glop, was. And I really had to think for a moment. I first rose to prominence as an acclaimed actress who appeared in award-winning films, as well as a selfless humanitarian who occasionally appeared in slightly less award-winning films as a personal favor to Jude Law. But while those were careers, Glop is my _passion_. And passions can be a bit more difficult to explain. So I began to ponder. What, really, is Glop? 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and a website, of course. But Glop is also a feeling. Glop is realizing that if you pick the right expensive organic eye cream, you can finally become a tall, thin, wealthy blonde WASP who fits seamlessly into the top tiers of high society, _but also_ seems like she's tried ayahuasca (not, like, a "drug addict" amount; just a tiny bit to help quit smoking). Glop is knowing in your heart that if you finally pay attention to all the tiny decisions that make up our lives—what to eat, where to buy your cashmere yoga pants, which juice cleanse will remove the most toxins from both your body _and_ your cashmere yoga pants—you can create an existence that you are proud of; so proud that you eventually transform from a regular person into a person who has been seated next to Bono at a 42-course seitan tasting dinner held in a sex dungeon deep beneath the North Pole. Glop is understanding that if you're able to carefully and intelligently monitor the things that your children eat, play with, and do, they'll grow up to be happy, healthy, and strong, and live beautiful lives that are never marred by rumors that they only shower with bottled water that has been stored in Emma Thompson's garage. Glop means all this and so much more to me and the people I share it with. When I turned back to Dave to tell him all of this, I realized that I was actually no longer at the party. In fact, I was midway through a Concorde ride back to my cozy third London mansion (my children, Philamena Hoobastank and Chard, playfully call it our "Wednesday house"). But then I realized, this information shouldn't be confined to dinner party chit-chat—I needed to share it with you, the people who make Glop matter. In the pages that follow, I'll share my favorite recipes, detoxes, activities, juice cleanses, vacation destinations, beauty tips, destination juice cleanse–detoxes, and a selection of hand creams that will open your third eye—the very things that make me _me_ , and can now help make you me (and, of course, every item mentioned herein is available for purchase on our website). Like Glop the site, _Glop_ the book is divided into five categories that cover the key areas in life: Achieve TAKING CARE OF YOUR BODY, INSIDE AND OUT (YOU REALLY SHOULD ALREADY HAVE DONE ALL THIS STUFF, BUT I WON'T TELL) Exist SELF-DISCOVER ALL THE THINGS YOU WERE DOING WRONG, SIMPLY BY BEING YOURSELF Create STUFF YOU GET TO TAKE CREDIT FOR! Gain IT'S NOT CONSUMERISM, IT'S MINDFUL ACCUMULATION Look At MY PICKS FOR THE MOST GRIPPING, ABSOLUTELY MUST-SEE CULTURE FROM AROUND THE WORLD THAT ONLY I KNOW HOW TO GOOGLE Sometimes people ask me, "Hey, don't you think these categories overlap a lot?" Usually, right after they ask, the alarm on my phone goes off, indicating that it's time to take some of the chakra-balancing supplements I made from a rare tropical fish that isn't technically endangered because no one except me has heard of it. By the time I'm finished and am able to respond to them, they've gone. Crisis averted! Dance like someone is watching (because I am), G * * * A BRIEF ENTREATY TO EXERCISE CAUTION Please don't eat the things this book tells you to eat. Don't wear the things this book tells you to wear, go to the places this book tells you to go, buy the things this book tells you to buy, or otherwise engage in any of the activities recommended in this book. They're not only potentially hazardous to your health—they won't make you any more like me, either. Sorry. 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level. Prudently yours, G * * * ©Depositphotos * * * BEAUTY * * * ©Depositphotos During the Neolithic era (10,000 B.C.–2000 B.C.), the average human life expectancy was only 20 years, and most of that time was preoccupied with the search for food and shelter. This meant that most people had only a very limited amount of time to devote to practices that we now consider the pillars of civilization, like applying foot contouring makeup and engaging in hair follicle maintenance. Unlike our ancestors, we get to enjoy the stability of private property, the security of a formal legal system, and the hydrating refreshment of coconut water. But when it comes to beauty, we're no better off. At first blush, this makes no sense—with more technology, knowledge about the world, and access to water that is typically free of mastodon urine, modern people should be able to develop beauty routines that run circles around those of our predecessors. But our ancient foremothers weren't constantly rushed, like we are today—they had the time to do things the best way, not just the fastest way. And they maintained their beauty with wholesome, organic products like polished stones, sun-baked mud bricks, and astringents made from the ground-up shells of the era's terrifyingly gigantic millipedes. Meanwhile, in our modern era, we seek beauty with all sorts of chemicals and additives that may quickly pop a blackhead or smooth a crow's foot today, but will make us—and our earth—pay tomorrow. For example, did you know that the average store-bought "quick fix" facial moisturizer contains ingredients that can cause depression, chin dysmorphia, searing gas pain, and a condition called "sideways peeing"—as well as what the FDA considers an "acceptable" level of seagull ejaculate? I don't know about you, but I think I'm the best judge of how much seagull ejaculate is right for my family, _not_ the federal government. But giving in to this poisonous march of progress isn't our only option. As long-time readers of Glop know, I'm as devoted and passionate about finding all-natural solutions to our most pressing beauty dilemmas as I am about teaching you how to steam a flawless batch of mussels or execute the perfect 3-point turn to avoid driving past a Costco—maybe even more passionate. Which is why, in this chapter, I am committed to sharing all my most treasured natural beauty solutions and secrets with you—no matter how much time they take or how much mastodon urine they require. _How to Make Your Hair Say:_ "I Care about Water Quality in the Developing World, but Not in a Depressing Way" ©Depositphotos We all love the look and feel of sexy, classic hair that has bounce, volume, and clearly communicates our beliefs regarding worldwide resource access issues in a positive, upbeat way. But while it's easy to walk out of a salon with waves that absolutely shout, "Let's discuss UNICEF's report on Water, Hygiene and Sanitation in a chill, relaxed way that won't make you feel like anyone is getting mad about how often you water your lawn," it's much tougher to achieve that look at home, especially during the busy work week. Or is it? Glop's favorite styling expert, Marjorie Huppington-Worthington, of Los Angeles's Marjorie Huppington-Worthington Salon—the world's only certified all-green salon located inside a solar-powered luxury children's treehouse—has some simple tips about how to get hair that says "I'm socially engaged! But not someone who is going to be a downer if you get plastic bags at the grocery store and then just throw them away, I get that we're all just here to hang": After your shower, towel dry and divide hair into four sections. Roll hair into hot rollers and let sit 1.5 minutes. 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We like the Marjorie Huppington-Worthington Salon's "Zuma Breeze Spray," which is made from actual breeze that Marjorie hand-bottles while tanning on Zuma Beach. Using a round brush, flip curls slightly outward for that "Salaman Rushdie once talked to me about filtration systems at a party" vibe. INSIDER TIP Flip your head upside down and then back up before leaving the house for a looser look. Looking for a finish that makes it clear you're here to discuss ideas in an unaggressive, purely intellectual way, and won't try to make anyone sign a petition at the end? Simple! Just work some coconut oil through your tips. _Natural Botox:_ Mummification and Lying Motionless in a Sarcophagus ©Depositphotos A decade ago, I caused quite a commotion at a film premiere when I showed up in a sleeveless Marchesa gown with resin-soaked bits of linen clinging to the backs of my upper arms. Tongues began wagging in the press, of course—people speculated that it was due to some kooky new religious cult I had joined, or that I had a new lover whose "thing" was tagging his mate with resin-soaked linen as a way of declaring sexual ownership. Both those ideas are ridiculous, of course— _that_ particular lover's method of declaring sexual ownership is a secret that Jenny Garner and I will be taking to our graves, thanks very much. The reality was much simpler: those paparazzi shots caught me at the beginning of my long, life-affirming health and beauty love affair with being mummified and lying motionless in a sarcophagus. When it comes to natural health and anti-aging strategies, no one has greater ideas than the ingenious ancient Egyptians. They knew that you can harness the power of gravity—much maligned as a negative force that makes our faces sag, bellies pouch, and cars roll into the front window of Barneys because we forgot to put the parking brake on or turn it off all the way or something—to actually be our friend in the fight against aging. But this _only_ works if we harness gravity's power dynamically. That means we need to utilize the contrarian wisdom of the Egyptians—instead of _fighting_ against gravity, we need go with gravity, and surrender to it completely by lying absolutely motionless in a large stone tomb. Through a combination of natural anti-aging properties, "sarcoffing" helps keep our skin supple, can banish cellulite, and will preserve our vital organs for the long and arduous trip to the afterlife. We can also give the experience an extra "pop" by binding our bodies completely in resin-soaked linen rags, to lock in the skin's moisture and essential juices. If you can't find an authentic ancient Egyptian sarcophagus, don't worry! Designer Anjelica Homonucleus has a great new line of sarcophagi in the $10,000–20,000 range—lovingly created from repurposed vintage shipping containers, they all come Bluetooth-equipped, so that you can still run your business, keep on top of your family life, or just catch up on podcasts while supine. I personally like to enjoy the respite and silence that my sarcophagus provides, and take the opportunity to binge-watch my body revitalize itself. My Best Organic Beauty Secret: _Being Born to Extremely Attractive Parents_ ©Depositphotos If you're anything like most women I know, your bathroom is probably littered with failed fad beauty products—creams that promised firmer jawlines but delivered only clogged pores, useless powders that tried and failed to whiten your teeth, eye shadows that were supposed to show that you were still young and hip but instead just led to a two-page spread in _Us Weekly_ where a bunch of comedians said you looked like you had cholera. Almost every woman has these "beauty fails" locked up in her cabinets. Yet despite all the money, heartbreak, and light-to-medium chemical burns we've experienced at the hands	1.170133	-0.170622	-0.626077	-0.634349	[ 0.9948148629135857, 1.3454517727372683 ]	[ -0.2084493864261415, -0.1327953288658059 ]	[ -1.0204620791111187, -0.23169112021661098 ]	[ -0.9426114175564841, -0.32608666398055064 ]	1,024	[ 512, 512 ]	[ 1334, 763, 278, 1085, 3418, 347, 12895, 3262, 880, 29899, 29956, 272, 1918, 880, 3956, 265, 29915, 29879, 376, 29999, 10859, 350, 929, 911, 1706, 764, 1699, 607, 338, 1754, 515, 3935, 289, 929, 911, 393, 1085, 3418, 347, 1361, 29899, 29890, 1501, 793, 1550, 260, 9450, 373, 796, 10859, 17594, 29889, 13, 13, 15156, 263, 4513, 1506, 1878, 29892, 285, 3466, 11051, 29879, 10029, 714, 1328, 363, 393, 376, 20392, 13533, 390, 1878, 16217, 2748, 24867, 304, 592, 1048, 977, 509, 362, 6757, 472, 263, 6263, 29908, 325, 18673, 29889, 13, 13, 1177, 29903, 1367, 1001, 323, 5690, 13, 13, 29943, 3466, 596, 2343, 24081, 680, 1623, 322, 769, 1250, 701, 1434, 10124, 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of our products, we still hold out hope that somewhere, within Nature's bounty, there is a beauty game changer—a multi-purpose product that will answer all your aesthetic prayers in a safe, nontoxic, natural way, no dangerous additives or confusing ingredient lists required. Today, I am pleased to share my most treasured organic beauty tip, presented for the first time exclusively to Glop readers! This one has been my go-to move since I was an awkward, gawky teen modeling for Dior, and it's served me well—and I am finally ready to pass this totally transformative knowledge onto you: Be born to extremely attractive parents. It's the kind of simple, intuitive, yet totally life-changing beauty secret that our toxin-pushing cosmetics industrial complex just doesn't want regular women to have. It's also proof that, with the raw, unvarnished power of Mother Nature by her side, every woman has the ability to banish the signs of premature aging, get the creamy skin she's always dreamed of, and become engaged to Brad Pitt for what was it, one, two years? It was so very long ago (but it was definitely two years). HERE'S HOW TO PUT THIS PLAN INTO IMMEDIATE ACTION: Find two parents who have made their careers as models and/or actors. IF TWO MODELS AND/OR ACTORS ARE NOT CURRENTLY AVAILABLE, YOU MAY SUBSTITUTE ONE (1) OF THE FOLLOWING: Host/hostess of an ultra-high-end sushi restaurant Regional beauty pageant champion (Northeast only!) Personal trainer Hero firefighter (40 years old & under) Elite dermatologist in a coastal area Flight attendant Extremely successful real estate agent who wanted to be a model and/or actor but never had the familial support, and then had to pay their own way through college, and well, here I am now, it's not a bad life, I guess Former model Remember, however, that only one substitution is advisable; drawing two parents from the substitution list puts you at risk for serious birth defects like facial moles or naturally curly hair. * * * NOTE: This plan is not a substitute for daily exercise, mindful meal planning, or having someone describe what carbs taste like while you hold your palm above an open flame. * * * What's Wrong with Your Vagina?! ©Depositphotos We try to do everything we can to stay on top of our beauty regimen—we schedule regular appointments for colon hydrotherapy and no-contact mind-massages; we have a licensed professional whom we trust with our anal bleaching, anal coloring, and anal double-process highlighting needs; and we make sure to always get plenty of rest, vitamin D, and unpasteurized snake milk. But while we're focused on these essentials, it can be easy to let other, less visible but still important beauty concerns fall by the wayside. I speak, of course, of your mons Venus, your flowering zucchini plant, your octopus's garden, your Sting's private island in Belize: your vagina. Did you know that even if your vagina feels good and has been given a clean bill of health by a medical professional, there can still be something terribly wrong with it? Clinical vagina stylist Blair Wintch estimates that, because these problems do not impact the vagina's health or functionality and typically go undiagnosed by doctors who think they "don't exist," up to 90% of American women will never be aware of the fact that they are suffering from a serious vaginal ailment: lazy vagina. What is "lazy vagina"? Simply put: it's a lady luge that refuses to carry its own weight, and as a result has become soft and sloppy-looking. Here's the good news: suffering from this ailment doesn't have to interfere with your vagina's right to a picture-perfect future. 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technique that has been helping women for millennia: holding your pee. This traditional healing practice not only shapes up our junk and helps us fully absorb the nutrients in the healthful liquids that we consume; it also detoxes the urethral vestibule and actually _alkalizes_ the urerethral restibule, which I think is something we can all agree that we need more of in our lives. I talked to Juliette Horace-Goblin, my urine coach, who had these top tips for women interested in beginning their dynamic pee-holding journey: DON'T LESSEN THE AMOUNT OF LIQUID YOU'RE CONSUMING EACH DAY. This is a common newbie mistake! You still need your standard 8 to 10 glasses of water daily to stay healthy and hydrated. PRACTICE TENSING YOUR KEGELS. The same muscles you may have already been toning in order to improve your sex life. You'll want to do reps in sets of 10, starting with 5 sets a day and moving up to 400 sets a day. If you have a moment of kegelular failure, don't worry—it happens to everyone at the start. My advice would be to pack an extra set of pants when you're new to this practice, as well as a sense of humbleness and a determination to learn from your flaws (especially the pee-based ones). You may also want to avoid fountains, just as you get your bearings. A lot of new practitioners ask me, "Am I allowed to pee at all?" Yes, of course you're allowed to pee! Urine is an important part of the body's natural detoxification process; we're just turbo-charging it. You're allowed to pee once a day, between 7:45:03 and 7:45:23 pm GMT. So make it count! Over time, you'll see your body—and life!—change as a result of a dedicated pee-holding practice. Your sleek, powerful kegel muscles will begin to strain against the seams of your power suit, or peek out of the bottom of your short-shorts. I recommend buying outfits to highlight them, as they are a symbol of simple yet vibrant feminine power—think of them like Angela Bassett's incredible arm muscles. When used correctly and responsibly, dynamic pee-holding not only improves the look and feel of our vaginas—it improves our health and enriches our relationships with our partners and ourselves. And though a very small percentage of women who engage in a dynamic pee-holding lifestyle die each year, I can assure you that is because they didn't properly warm up, were not pure of heart and soul, or ate wheat products at some point. Or maybe they were fatally hit by a car and just happened to be holding their pee at the same time, so it was registered as a pee-holding–related death—there's just no way to know. All you do know is that as you commit to taking that iced matcha green tea cooler you're currently sipping and just keeping it in, a health journey of a thousand steps begins right now—with one held pee. * * * DETOXES * * * ©iStock.com/SStajic Of course, it's not enough to just stop putting toxins on your skin—in order to achieve real health, you've also got to get them out of your colon! Whether you're rebooting your body after a few weeks of dietary excess around the holidays, rebalancing your chakras after an almond-milking session gone bad, or simply offsetting exposure to your friend Sasha's children who attend public school, regular detoxes are an essential health tool. I first discovered my passion for detoxes in college. Thanks to a jovial prank executed in the spirit of fun by my old school chum Chloe, I got a paint can stuck on my head for eight days. 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to pry the can off, I was shocked by the amazing changes my time off from "food" had given me. The benefits to my mind and body were very real—so real that I've continued to start a thrilling new detox every 72 hours or so in the years since. You might wonder how you could possibly come into contact with so many toxins (especially if you're already following my beauty advice). The sad answer is that our modern lifestyles are absolutely full of toxins—nearly everything we come into daily contact with, from Egyptian cotton sheets to 8-carat diamonds to yacht paint, is dangerously noxious. And if we don't regularly purge our systems of these toxins, the results can be bleak. Many people claim that toxins are specious, scientifically dubious nonsense designed to scare the ignorant. But if that's true, why do so many Americans suffer from the following toxin-related ailments: acne, depression, taxes, third nipples, yeast varnicles, brain dumbness, fourth nipples, reverse kegels...the list goes on and on, and it's terrifying. You may currently be living with some of the problems I've listed above, because you think that this is simply the hand you've been dealt in life. But that is absolutely not true. A great detox won't just solve your physical ailments—it will leave you looking and feeling great, and experiencing benefits that you may think are beyond your reach, like reduced belly fat, increased glandular lucidity, some cow telepathy, and a small walk-on role on _Royal Pains_. The five cleanses below were designed with the help of Dr. Kate Fugelchorn, an internist I met who also runs an invitation-only pedicure salon in Gstaad. Dr. Fugelchorn's revolutionary spa-based approach to health flies in the face of repressive Western medicine, and embraces traditional approaches that believe the body must take periodic breaks from making poop, because poop is gross. There's a cleanse for every body and soul. No matter where you are on your personal health journey, there's an invigorating new method for you to avoid eating food and detox like a pro for a week. _Raw_ Raw Honey Detox ©Depositphotos If you, like most Americans, are used to buying your "food" from "stores," you might have seen raw honey, but wonder what _raw_ raw honey is. Well, it's exactly what it sounds like—honey in its natural state, before it has been treated with preservatives, heated, pasteurized, or looked upon by a poor person. Clearly, "raw" honey sold in stores simply cannot be guaranteed to meet these standards, so I implore you to make your own. This is a great beginner's detox —it is much less harsh than a more traditional detox, where you only consume thoughts about polenta. And it can also be created entirely from materials you already have lying around your own apiary! If you don't have an apiary, don't worry—you can easily turn your second greenhouse into an apiary. In order to ensure that your honey is of the highest possible grade, you'll need to make sure your beekeeper attended a university within the top two tiers of the _U.S. News & World Report_ rankings, with a minimum of one semester abroad, though one year is preferred (Asia, South America, or Africa only—studying in Europe is so hacky). Take my beekeeper, Jace, who got into Brown, but chose Vassar because of its smaller class sizes. He did his year abroad studying contemporary dance in Malaysia. YOU'LL NEED: 3 gallons of raw honey for each of the seven days of the detox ( _21 gallons total, but honey must be gathered fresh each day—stockpiling it would be cheating!_ ) * * * DETOX DETAILS For the next seven days, eliminate all foods and beverages from your diet; in their place, eat or drink one half gallon of _raw_ raw honey. Also eliminate all film or television viewing from your daily life; in their place, just look closely at the honey, which has	1.167394	0.332768	0.757443	-0.262353	[ 1.7180034894249312, 0.6167844445099279 ]	[ 0.4491589600598527, 0.21637724448958925 ]	[ 0.7041818181501843, 0.8107039412163236 ]	[ -0.042537304740986236, -0.48216888007572367 ]	1,024	[ 512, 512 ]	[ 304, 544, 29891, 278, 508, 1283, 29892, 306, 471, 19253, 287, 491, 278, 21863, 292, 3620, 590, 931, 1283, 515, 376, 1181, 397, 29908, 750, 2183, 592, 29889, 450, 23633, 304, 590, 3458, 322, 3573, 892, 1407, 1855, 30003, 578, 1855, 393, 306, 29915, 345, 7572, 304, 1369, 263, 1468, 8873, 716, 1439, 2251, 1432, 29871, 29955, 29906, 6199, 470, 577, 297, 278, 2440, 1951, 29889, 13, 13, 3492, 1795, 4997, 920, 366, 1033, 10075, 2041, 964, 6958, 411, 577, 1784, 304, 29916, 1144, 313, 267, 25009, 565, 366, 29915, 276, 2307, 1494, 590, 15409, 9848, 467, 450, 14610, 1234, 338, 393, 1749, 5400, 301, 7004, 5577, 526, 13312, 2989, 310, 304, 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a rich amber hue reminiscent of many network television programs. If you feel your kidneys shutting down, don't worry; that's a sign that your body is expelling the toxins. When your urine becomes a viscous golden rope, you're all done (as long as you're on Day Seven, of course)! HINT: If you don't have the time to follow this or any other detox yourself, get your assistant Liz to do it for you (I call all of my assistants "Liz"—I find that it's easier for both of us that way). * * * Raw Ice Detox ©Depositphotos Commercially produced ice is absolutely full of toxins, which prevents us from absorbing most of the nutrients present. With all the preservatives and nitrates most stores pump into their ice, you might as well be eating a blueberry, for goodness sake! But when we're able to consume ice in its raw state, as Nature intended, we can really get to the good stuff—raw ice is absolutely chock-full of "good" fats, R vitamins, and omega-eleventeenths, making it one of my favorite "superfoods." I first learned about this detox while summering at Tilda Swinton's castle, which is located on Enya's yacht. The local peasants introduced us to their traditional practice of consuming "ice"—I was hesitant at first, but one mouthful, and I was hooked! This is one detox that is as delicious as it is nutritious. Tilda likes to spice up her raw ice with a light dusting of chia powder, but that is wrong and Tilda will receive her punishment in Hell where she belongs. YOU'LL NEED: 87 pounds dry-harvested raw ice from off the coast of Languedoc * * * DETOX DETAILS 12 times each detox day, follow this relaxing ritual: Place the ice in a stainless steel pot. Turn burner on high until the cubes have converted to vapor. Inhale deeply. * * * Ultra-Refined Vibrance Powder Detox ©Depositphotos Here's a simple one for you busy working moms out there. You know who you are—you're the ones who write in to me each week about how Glop detoxes are too "expensive," "time-consuming," and "fatal" for the average woman to utilize. And I've been listening! I know that time is at a premium for many of you reading this who are trying to balance work and family. While there are no shortcuts when it comes to health, there are a few supplements we love that can really kick-start a new healthy lifestyle program. The right supplement can help cover the nutritional gaps that turn up in even the most carefully crafted diet plans—so with the help of Dr. Fugelchorn and several former touring members of Santana, I've developed a detox for people on the go that gets results, rebalances energy, and will help you develop the "good" heart palpitations that are a cornerstone of any effective detoxification plan. YOU'LL NEED: One gram of Ultra-Refined Vibrance Powder for each day of the detox Note: _We'd love to sell Ultra-Refined Vibrance Powder on the Glop website, and we're presently in talks with several current and former U.S. senators in hopes of making that dream a reality! But until that day, you can easily obtain it from your beekeeper, or your beekeeper's roommate (you know, the one who never has his shirt on). Failing that, try asking any employee at whichever bar in your town hosts the most bachelorette parties._ * * * DETOX DETAILS Start each day by dusting a small makeup mirror ($33) with the Ultra-Refined Vibrance Powder. You'll want to properly plate your Ultra-Refined Vibrance Powder with the assistance of your Amex Black Card, a fish knife that once belonged to Milan Kundera, or	0.451054	-0.61537	-0.404156	-0.967162	[ 0.638699251373908, 0.26340818382824766 ]	[ 0.09282387237921866, -1.3235633354367689 ]	[ 0.1817161669210249, -0.9900271868065075 ]	[ -0.6795478491794112, -1.2547758497468302 ]	1,024	[ 512, 512 ]	[ 263, 8261, 626, 495, 298, 434, 1083, 262, 275, 1760, 310, 1784, 3564, 11456, 11104, 29889, 13, 13, 3644, 366, 4459, 596, 26397, 484, 952, 12522, 1259, 1623, 29892, 1016, 29915, 29873, 15982, 29936, 393, 29915, 29879, 263, 1804, 393, 596, 3573, 338, 1518, 7807, 278, 304, 29916, 1144, 29889, 13, 13, 10401, 596, 5065, 457, 7415, 263, 1998, 29883, 681, 22843, 696, 412, 29892, 366, 29915, 276, 599, 2309, 313, 294, 1472, 408, 366, 29915, 276, 373, 8373, 26647, 29892, 310, 3236, 20198, 13, 13, 29950, 10192, 29901, 960, 366, 1016, 29915, 29873, 505, 278, 931, 304, 1101, 445, 470, 738, 916, 1439, 2251, 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another thinly edged tool. Organize it until it is in a nice, neat row. Now look at the mirror very closely...very closely... _soooooo closely_...oops, did you accidentally inhale a bunch of the Ultra-Refined Vibrance Powder? Great! Now you're ready to go! Repeat this health ritual as needed throughout the day to support your detox experience. If you can't stop grinding your teeth or talking about how you have this _great_ idea for a screenplay that you really need to get to Angelina Jolie because you think she'd really just _get_ it, don't worry; that's a sure sign that your body is expelling the toxins. * * * Edamame-Pods-That-Have-Been-Discarded-by-the-Cultural-Elite Detox ©Depositphotos Once you've got the hang of detoxing, and are looking for a bit of a challenge that you can sink your teeth into, this is a fabulous place to start. This detox was created when I was having a hard time after the holidays one year; I had overindulged in wine fumes and cake air, and I was _really_ feeling it. Then, in a stroke of divine inspiration at the start of the Cannes Film Festival, I developed this plan and soon I got my groove back—so much so that I had to be airlifted to Vienna before I even got a chance to go to David Geffen's château to partake of the traditional Gallic diversion of "foosball." The real reward of this detox is in its complex simplicity—over the course of this week, you'll come to truly understand the rich flavor profile of edamame pods that have been discarded by America's top actors, writers, musicians, and artists in a new way—in addition to reaping health benefits like improved skin tone and "extra" blood. YOU'LL NEED: $5,000 Beeper number for "Gary" * * * DETOX DETAILS "Gary" (whose real name is definitely _not_ Gary) is a discreet professional specializing in the resale of celebrity post-usage foodstuffs on the secondary market. A week's worth of "pods" will typically run you a cool 5K, though Gary and I have a trade-in-kind agreement where I give him 40 stalks of asparagus that I have viewed for 20 minutes each. I wish I could tell you how to contact Gary directly, but that would be a bit in violation of the broker-detoxer relationship. The best I can do is recommend that you set aside a few hours to hang around in front of the restrooms at the La Jolla Neiman Marcus. Make sure to look inconspicuous, and don't bring any recording devices—if Gary thinks that you are wearing a wire, he will end the transaction with no refunds, and he will be right to. * * * Locked in a Room with No Doors and No Windows Detox ©Depositphotos I adore being a mother. Still, every few months I like to travel apart from my beloved children, Patient Herbivore and Chillax, and escape for a spot of "me time," just to decompress. I like to go hit the open road in my Maybach, listen to some of my favorite raps music, feel the wind blow through my hair, and then get my colon thoroughly irrigated in a gorgeous pastoral setting. It's what keeps me sane. I discovered this gem of a detox several years ago, while traveling in a former breakaway Soviet Republic on one of these "me time" trips. I had received a hot tip about an innovative new spa in the area from Scarlett Johansson's nanny, Anne Hathaway. I was about two hours away when, of course, my GPS broke. I pulled up to a large house that seemed to be in the midst of collapsing and knocked on the door. I wanted to see if they'd let me borrow their GPS if I promised to have my assistant mail them a new one when I was done. 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ed to learn that _this was the spa!_ They had moved several hours outside the city and done away with brutal and unnecessary modern design conventions like floors, in order to provide guests with a more bucolic and rustic setting in which to have their buttholes washed. I am, more than anything else, an adventuress at heart—so when Clod, who I understood to be the manager, told me about a new detox program he was personally overseeing, I was immediately on board. After spending what felt like hours entering a series of darkened staircases, chutes, and bookcases that were actually secret passages, I got a little woozy. When I came to, I was resting in a sylvan grotto of a room filled with rich, earthy scents, charmingly retro "garage-style" lighting, and no windows, doors, vents, holes, or crevices of any kind. In this room, which became my home for somewhere between the next 7 and 32 days, I discovered a detox experience beyond what I had previously thought possible. Away from the rush and clatter of my glamorous globe-trotting lifestyle—and with food, water, and human contact thoughtfully withheld by the management—I was able to truly touch the core of what detoxing is really about. I used my time and space there to purify my body, renew my spirit, and astral-project to Moby's house to have a much-needed meeting regarding our summer share in Tulum. It was bliss. At some point I faded out of consciousness, and when I came to, I was presenting the Academy Award for Best Sound Mixing. _Vogue_ noted that my skin looked "luminous," but the real rewards of this detox run far deeper than my pores. I went back to the spa a few months later to try to thank Clod (and also to find the Amex Black Card that I seemed to have left there), but I couldn't locate him anywhere, and all the villagers told me that the spa where I cleansed had actually burned down with an entire family inside some 50 years ago. Which just goes to show—most of us are blind to the great majesty that exists right under our noses. YOU'LL NEED: One room with no doors, windows, or vents _(Rooms with no doors or windows but some vents can be adapted using putty and a belt sander—see the exclusive guide on our site for instructions.)_ 7 to 32 days Purified lemon-cayenne water * * * DETOX DETAILS Wake up in the room. How did you get here? Is this the afterlife? Will God ever forgive you? Will you ever forgive yourself? You'll know that the detox has ended when you come to at the Academy Awards wearing a backless Proenza Schouler gown. Reward yourself with a refreshing sip of purified lemon-cayenne water. You've earned it! HINT: This detox is best complemented by some light morning stretching, which helps engage your lymph nodes. * * * BONUS: Make sure to check out our site for more great detoxes like: "Lucid Dream about a Banana" detox "Long Pig & Sunflower Seeds" detox "Water from Walden Pond" detox "Tulips & Dee's Nuts" detox "Hovering on the Brink of Death until the Last Possible Second & Then Someone Uses Defibrillator Paddles on You" detox "Only Foods Mentioned in Sammy Davis Jr.'s 'Yes I Can'" detox "Only Foods Mentioned in Melissa Etheridge's 'Yes I Am'" detox "Only Foods Mentioned in Yes's 'Tales from the Topographic Oceans'" detox "Be Super Drunk" detox * * * HEALTH * * * ©Depositphotos Every week, I get hundreds of emails from devoted Glop readers who want to know even more about healing from toxins. They want to know: are detoxes and avoiding non-organic	1.239987	0.209215	-0.049082	-0.457131	[ 2.1343848198405544, 0.3455887095681733 ]	[ 0.3954401026205611, 0.022989357708139636 ]	[ -0.34074948430813456, 0.24258595153024737 ]	[ -0.20382226137266507, -0.7104391211149143 ]	1,024	[ 512, 512 ]	[ 287, 304, 5110, 393, 903, 1366, 471, 278, 805, 29874, 29991, 29918, 2688, 750, 6153, 3196, 6199, 5377, 278, 4272, 322, 2309, 3448, 411, 26644, 284, 322, 19039, 5400, 2874, 13064, 1080, 763, 5685, 943, 29892, 297, 1797, 304, 3867, 28865, 411, 263, 901, 1321, 1054, 293, 322, 21580, 293, 4444, 297, 607, 304, 505, 1009, 541, 386, 6544, 471, 17143, 29889, 13, 13, 29902, 626, 29892, 901, 1135, 3099, 1683, 29892, 385, 17623, 332, 404, 472, 5192, 30003, 578, 746, 2233, 397, 29892, 1058, 306, 11098, 304, 367, 278, 8455, 29892, 5429, 592, 1048, 263, 716, 1439, 2251, 1824, 540, 471, 22345, 975, 4149, 292, 29892, 306, 471, 7389, 373, 7613, 29889, 2860, 805, 2548, 825, 7091, 763, 6199, 18055, 263, 3652, 310, 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products enough to repair our bodies, counteract disease, and prevent our organs from being harvested by our tough-but-fair overlords, the lizard people? Unfortunately, the answer to all of these, as well as countless other questions I've received, is no. In order to avoid the sad fates listed above, constantly detoxing and strictly buying products from the Glop website isn't enough (though it's a great start!). You also must commit yourself fully to a healing lifestyle. Luckily, here at Glop, we have some of the best experts in the field on our side, making new breakthroughs in healing each day. And unlike folks whose information on health and wellness comes from med schools where palms are greased daily by Big Pharma, our experts have a practical education—health information comes to them in their dreams after consuming a special aura-purifying tea (which is the same method that America's greatest scientists, like Benjamin Franklin and Emmett "Doc" Brown, used to acquire their life-changing knowledge). Together, we have uncovered the facts you need to build a newer, healthier, healing-er existence. 5 Everyday Things That Can Turn Water into Poison For centuries, we've thought of water as being a unimpressive "liquid" that exists only for us to drink and pee in; but shocking recent research has revealed that water is actually a highly sensitive and sentient form of fluid. Licensed scientician and proud Gemini Barbara Bell-Bivdevoe conducted a year of studies at her laboratory, the Calendula Institute in Marin, California, where she and her crack team of experts tried to hurt the feelings of water. How did they do it? The same way we humans do—with hurtful words. When I visited Calendula early last year, Bell-Bivdevoe walked me through her labs—each appointed with gorgeous unbleached linen window treatments—and told me about her work. In her research, a glass of water that heard the word "hate" repeated several thousand times changed its molecular structure, becoming bitter to the taste and slightly toxic to the body; a glass of water that was played a recording of the words "fuck you" on repeat for several days suddenly developed a calorie count of 200 per glass; and a glass of water that was shown production stills of Edward Norton in _American History X_ with absolutely no context actually grew up to be a neo-Nazi. Utterly chilling. Of course, these shocking revelations raise an even more shocking question: if water has so many feelings, should we even be drinking it? Unfortunately, when I returned to Calendula to consult further, I found that the labs had been turned into an Applebee's; my attempts to discern Barbara's location were rudely rebuffed by a 17-year-old who urged me to "move out the way" of a sizzling fajita platter. However, even though the whereabouts of Barbara and the $27,000 investment I gave her to develop a line of sound-blocking tumblers remain a mystery, we still have her wisdom to hold on to, to enrich both our lives, and the lives of our water. 1. STOP SIGNS From their overly bold and aggressive coloring to their hostile wording (don't we have time for a "please"?), stop signs are a prime example of everything you want to shield your water from. 2. WORLD WAR II Though we may all have our own opinions on this subject, we have to go with the experts—I consulted with 10 holistic historians while writing this list, and 9 of them agreed that World War II was far and away the war that is most emotionally damaging to our water. 3. _SCARFACE_ This film about the corruption inherent to the American dream is a modern classic, but everything about it—from the constant remorseless killing, to Michelle Pfeiffer's turn as a dead-eyed gangster's moll, to that weird part with the tiger—is the epitome of the kind of relentless negativity you want to keep far, far away from your water, or any substance you put in your body, really. 4. BLACK & WHITE PHOTOGRAPHS In our	0.701704	0.685522	0.259072	-0.073754	[ 0.7099223736818434, 0.6934862685338584 ]	[ 0.4527402172224721, 0.9183036483629989 ]	[ 0.6027321771348135, -0.08458914074432336 ]	[ -0.07635511822827373, -0.07115237769176797 ]	1,024	[ 512, 512 ]	[ 9316, 3307, 304, 26032, 1749, 17873, 29892, 6795, 627, 17135, 29892, 322, 5557, 1749, 1638, 550, 515, 1641, 4023, 29894, 2868, 491, 1749, 260, 820, 29899, 4187, 29899, 29888, 1466, 975, 29880, 4339, 29892, 278, 301, 17909, 2305, 29973, 13, 13, 2525, 7524, 29892, 278, 1234, 304, 599, 310, 1438, 29892, 408, 1532, 408, 2302, 2222, 916, 5155, 306, 29915, 345, 4520, 29892, 338, 694, 29889, 13, 13, 797, 1797, 304, 4772, 278, 14610, 285, 1078, 9904, 2038, 29892, 21003, 1439, 2251, 292, 322, 18719, 1321, 5414, 9316, 515, 278, 402, 4757, 4700, 3508, 29915, 29873, 3307, 313, 3592, 372, 29915, 29879, 263, 2107, 1369, 29991, 467, 887, 884, 1818, 9063, 7535, 8072, 304, 263, 540, 12818, 301, 7004, 1508, 29889, 13, 13, 29931, 2707, 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modern era, there is truly no reason to spend any time examining these eerie artifacts of a past era when colors had yet to be invented. Can you imagine how it felt to walk around back then? I can barely hold it together when looking at black and white photos, so imagine how your water feels. 5. THE PHRASE "IF YOU HAVE TIME TO LEAN, YOU HAVE TIME TO CLEAN" The 10th holistic historian finally got back to me, and told me that uttering this phrase in front of a glass of water and then drinking it can lead to a credit score drop of up to 75 points. Is it really worth it? * * * Don't forget to check our site for our exclusive article, "5 Everyday Things That Can Turn Poison into Water," as well as a list of resources to reveal whether your poison has turned to water yet, or is still poison. * * * Choosing the Right Shaman to Bring on Your Family Vacation ©iStock.com/sborisov I cherish my annual family retreat to Tuscany—it's a chance to get away from the hustle and bustle of work and city living, unplug, and recharge for a bit. I also love exposing my children to the vibrant Tuscan way of being, which is still connected to the area's ancient Etruscan ancestors—a zesty lifestyle full of joy, family, rolling hills, picturesquely rotting wooden fences, and unpasturized milk products. However, it's important to remember when you travel to a place like Tuscany (Provence if your taxes were really bad this year) that just because it feels like home doesn't mean it actually _is_ home. We all must face the sad fact that many people around the world do not take their health as seriously as we do. It's hard to find many of the healing and detoxifying staples that we take for granted in daily life when we travel—for example, an early family trip to Tuscany was marred by the fact that the local pharmacy was out of, and also had never stocked or heard of, triple-parfaited rose-lung epiglottal lozenges, which made what was supposed to be a getaway into an ordeal. After that experience, I've learned to always pack the essentials on long family trips—including a travel shaman! Below, I've included my essential checklist for finding the best travel shaman for your family trip—assembled with help from my own family's travel shaman, Chaaad (née Chad): ©Depositphotos Does your travel shaman have a valid license to conduct detoxifying "sand baths" overseas? ©Depositphotos Is your travel shaman experienced in conducting children's ayahuasca ceremonies, as well as the more traditional adult-centric ones? Since vacations are a time for family, you'll want to make sure you don't leave the little ones out of this one—they, too, can reap its benefits! After my eldest, Fiorina Hulahoop, spent a vacation ayahuasca ceremony confronting a screaming black scorpion that represented her own fear of success, she ended up getting promoted to captain of her badminton team the following spring! ©Depositphotos Does your travel shaman have any relevant background in your area? Chaaad spent a semester nannying in Tuscany right after he finished his MFA, and so in addition to helping us do healing work on our spirits and creating poultices for our physical ailments like hair sensitivity and sky rabies, he also had great ideas about off-the-radar cathedrals and can't-miss piazzas. ©Depositphotos What kind of sacred music does your travel shaman sing? I find that a shaman who's in tune with the local culture and willing to tweak his sounds to mesh with the environment can truly take the vacation experience to the next level. I had a wonderful experience with another travel shaman a few years back, who incorporated Tiësto remixes into an Ibiza-based healing circle, which gave the entire experience a wonderful texture. ©Depositphotos Does your family like your travel sh	0.937288	0.23876	0.356717	-0.631097	[ 0.7208797771138336, 1.1536972126774419 ]	[ 0.03194250061468823, 0.44557770289723325 ]	[ 0.24258595153024737, 0.4708476438148316 ]	[ -0.9283038810810933, -0.33389077478530926 ]	1,024	[ 512, 512 ]	[ 5400, 3152, 29892, 727, 338, 19781, 694, 2769, 304, 18864, 738, 931, 4392, 2827, 1438, 6380, 347, 24238, 29879, 310, 263, 4940, 3152, 746, 11955, 750, 3447, 304, 367, 11817, 287, 29889, 1815, 366, 14034, 920, 372, 7091, 304, 6686, 2820, 1250, 769, 29973, 306, 508, 16079, 368, 4808, 372, 4208, 746, 3063, 472, 4628, 322, 4796, 20612, 29892, 577, 14034, 920, 596, 4094, 23880, 29889, 13, 13, 29945, 29889, 6093, 349, 29950, 4717, 1660, 376, 6545, 612, 27269, 379, 7520, 29923, 323, 8890, 7495, 11060, 2190, 29892, 612, 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aman? This seems obvious, but a lot of people miss it! Bring your potential travel shamans around your kids and partner before you make a final decision, to make sure that he doesn't make them feel skittish or antagonize their third or even fourth eye. Before we met Chaaad, during a very busy season I simply picked a travel shaman who had been recommended by a few friends without introducing him to my family, and found that his aura meshed terribly with my children's, and also he was taking money out of my wallet. In this endeavor, as in all, trust your heart and instincts! Not someone's four-star review on Shalp (Yelp for Shamans). The Beginner's Guide to Sweating Diaphoresis (aka perspiration) (aka sweat) is at the core of all serious healing. But while sweating is second nature to some, others need a little help. Like me, for example—no matter what I do, it is _incredibly_ hard for me to get a decent schvitz going. Doctors at the Crystal Windchime Academy of Science have examined me and told me that my sweat glands are far more petite and toned than the average person's—thus, they simply don't want to leak. It's called a "sweating all over and looking all gross like a big wet sweet potato" sensitivity, and it can make life pretty difficult. It's not only frustrating from a health perspective; it's also a little embarrassing socially. When I'm the only one not sweating through my white linen caftan at a summer backyard BBQ-and-solstice-circle, I feel ashamed, like everyone knows something is wrong with me. The following techniques have helped me out immensely, so please, if you're similarly afflicted, give them a shot! And if you are able to sweat easily, know how lucky you truly are! Hot Yoga ©Depositphotos I've only had limited success with this commonly prescribed go-to for sweating—I'll usually work up a bit of a glow in the second hour, which is better than nothing, but it doesn't quite create the from-the-ground-up purification that a solid, pouring sweat does. However, feel free to try it out yourself—maybe it will work for you! Far-Infrared Saunas ©iStock.com/tomazl I prefer the far-infrared to the traditional steam sauna—the heat penetrates more easily throughout the entire body, and the lack of moistness means you'll probably only need a brief stylist touch-up after you leave, rather than a complete blowout. Again, I've had mixed results with this one—sometimes I get a nice, evenly spaced sweat-bead on my forehead, but sometimes I feel like I might as well be standing in my recreational sub-zero meat locker. But maybe you'll have better results—I say, give it a shot! Butlers Blocking the Air Conditioning Ducts ©Depositphotos In many ways, this is the most natural option, in addition to the most effective—after all, our ancient ancestors didn't have saunas or heated yoga studios. They did, however, have butlers, which is where this archaic Romano-Celtic-Mongolian tradition comes from. For best effect, arrange each butler bent forward at a 45-degree angle, with their mouth opened, facing the air conditioning duct—this way, you have the most body mass to block the duct's cooling airs. I don't necessarily get more of a sweat on with this one, but for some reason it just feels like it works best to me. Cut Loose with These 6 Fresh Weekend Colonics ©Depositphotos During the week, it's all about fitting everything in—getting the kids to school, preparing for all your work presentations, fitting in a round or two of facial bee-sting therapy—so we generally settle for ho-hum colonics. 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forget-it mixtures. The weekend, however, is a time for freedom, relaxation, and renewal—and that should go for our colonic recipes, too! These six playful updates on the quintessential colonic range from simple elegance to simply wild—but all are anything but boring. ©Depositphotos VANILLA AND FENNEL This understated favorite is like the Audrey Hepburn of colonics—it doesn't beat others over the head with your sense of style, but it makes it vividly clear that you possess it in spades. ©Depositphotos PIÑA COLADA A favorite for vacations _or_ staycations, this fresh and fruity mix reminds you and your colon that you're on island time now (even if you're still in your decidedly landlocked house). ©Depositphotos BIRTHDAY CAKE REMIXX Feeling a little naughty? Then try this decadent colonic on for size! Don't worry, we won't tell anyone (though we may ask you to share with us!). ©Depositphotos PEPPERMINT MOCHA Do you love the holidays as much as we do? Then get your fix of Christmas fun any time with this rich, bracing, minty cleanse. By the end, you'll be waiting for Rudolph to be flushed out of your lower intestines! ©Depositphotos AUTUMN LEAVES Mmm, this one just makes us want to curl up next to the fire (please do not allow any open flames near any colon hydrotherapy equipment). ©Depositphotos BURGERS AND CIGARS Trying to convince the man in your life that colonics aren't a "girl thing"? Then break out this ultra-masculine blend. Additional "flavor shots" can add the textural essence of fresh leather briefcases, recently used football shoulder pads, or important legal briefs, so it can be easily customized. 15 Things You Didn't Know Were Toxic and Now You Have to Stay Away Forever ©iStock.com/photodanila One of my greatest passions is improving my health by finding new things to completely eliminate from my life. Healing is a whole-life pursuit, one that will always find new ways to surprise you, enlighten you, and show you that no matter what you do, you are forever unclean. So there's no reason to feel let down once you've purged meat, wheat, dairy, soy, sugar, corn, potatoes, tomatoes, coffee, tea, alcohol, wood pulp, and foods that rhyme with "orange" from your diet—there are still tons of things that you have "sensitivities" to that you never even noticed. The 15 items below are my picks for detoxers moving to the next level of healing, but don't consider it a definitive list—think of it more as a dream (of avoiding these things for the rest of your life) journal. bell peppers silver heat John Mellencamp, the music of bell jars _Shark Week_ Gymboree, parking near a bell towers raffia cold Bills Bellamy and Belichick dragon (living) dragon (deceased) the fear that you'll never truly connect with another human being in a really genuine way youth soccer leagues * * * FITNESS * * * ©Depositphotos I was on my morning constitutional the other day, hiking through an absolutely gorgeous new Chilean canyon that I recently had installed on my Malibu estate, when I heard something: the canyon rocks had begun talking to me. For most people, this would be the sign that they were in the middle of a once-in-a-lifetime religious experience, or that they were the victims of a parasite that was rapidly eating a hole through their brain; however, in the years since I've devoted myself to living a more healthful lifestyle, I'	0.770188	-0.777422	-0.621004	-1.347124	[ 0.792102899421769, 0.7482732856938088 ]	[ -0.9332063047112501, -0.6216369315633591 ]	[ -0.9240849201465164, -0.31792331507967614 ]	[ -1.5201156171086245, -1.174133371430991 ]	1,024	[ 512, 512 ]	[ 1454, 657, 29899, 277, 3737, 486, 1973, 29889, 13, 13, 1576, 4723, 355, 29892, 3138, 29892, 338, 263, 931, 363, 16082, 29892, 26681, 362, 29892, 322, 23011, 284, 30003, 392, 393, 881, 748, 363, 1749, 8104, 293, 9522, 5547, 29892, 2086, 29991, 4525, 4832, 1708, 1319, 11217, 373, 278, 439, 524, 404, 2556, 8104, 293, 3464, 515, 2560, 10618, 749, 304, 3763, 8775, 30003, 4187, 599, 526, 3099, 541, 289, 8253, 29889, 13, 13, 30211, 8498, 359, 277, 561, 15788, 13, 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ve found such experiences have become commonplace. Today, I consider canyon rocks to be among my greatest personal advisors. They've given me spiritual counsel, business guidance, and fashion advice, and during one particularly crazy summer they represented me in small claims court. But this morning, the rocks were whispering something different. I leaned in closer (though not close enough to get any canyon dust on my Ferragamo yoga pants) and heard a message that nearly bowled me over with its radical simplicity and perfect generosity. The rocks were whispering: "You need to tell people about your workout routine." Throughout my years as a public figure, I've always been reluctant to release details about my workout routine; for those who are not pure of heart and strong of spirit, hearing about my workouts can be a challenging experience. For instance, a PA on one of my films went temporarily blind after I gave her a detailed breakdown of my favored ab-toning moves. So you can see why I've always been reluctant to share this info with the general public (don't worry about that PA, though; soon after we spoke, she fell into an open manhole and I never had to think about her again). But when the canyon speaks, you must listen. And so, with that in mind, I present my top workout secrets, each of which help me deal with different problem areas and suit my many moods. I know it's easy to feel overwhelmed when you're looking at a schedule filled with work and family responsibilities—like any other working mom, I often feel that way, too. But I manage to sneak away and grab my 97 minutes of exercise a day, and I am here to help you realize that you can, too! 3 At-Home Workouts So Easy, an Academy Award–Winning Actress with Full-Time Nannies Could Do Them ©iStock.com/fizkes 1 The "Ankle Weights and 27 Extremely Agitated Wasps" Workout HELPS: TONE AND LENGTHEN CALVES, DEVELOP AGILITY YOU'LL NEED: ANKLE WEIGHTS (2), LARGE MASON JAR (1), EXTREMELY AGITATED WASPS (27), WASP FUNNEL (1) This simple workout has become a go-to favorite when I'm on the road, because it's just so easy—everything you need to do this one can be packed into a duffel or large Chanel classic flap bag. And the way that it uses the body's inherent drive to remain alive as a form of weight resistance is total genius. Stand with legs shoulder-width apart. Have your trainer or assistant grab the large mason jar and funnel the wasps into it. With a straight, conscious spine, inhale deeply through the nose, and exhale through the mouth. Have your trainer or assistant begin shaking the jar vigorously while screaming bug-related slurs. Pulse your abs for a ten-count as she does this. Take one more deep inhale. Have your trainer or assistant quickly unscrew the mason jar. Staying aware of your posture and form, run from the wasps. Repeat five times. The wasps are dynamic partners in getting your heart rate up, which increases blood flow throughout the body, purging toxins and building sleek muscle mass. Also, if 1–10 of those angry little guys do manage to land on you, it's not a big deal; sure, it smarts in the moment, but wasp sting therapy is an ancient health management technique—their venom is actually a potent anti-inflammatory agent, which can help with scarring, and actually reverse the aging process. However, if you get stung by 11+ wasps, it will definitely cause anaphylactic shock, so please make sure your wasp wrangler is available by phone during this workout. If you feel you've mastered this one, you can always mix it up by adding personal flourishes, like 5-pound hand weights or a faintly rabid bat. 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to it again and again! 2 The "Whisper Athletic-Sounding Words to a Glass of Water and Then Drink It" Workout HELPS: TONE AND TIGHTEN LATS, STAVE OFF DEHYDRATION YOU'LL NEED: GLASS (2), WATER (1) As we learned in the previous section, water not only has feelings, but is extremely sensitive about them; if you say negative things around water, it will often "lash out" in response and change its molecular structure into poison, or even full-fat cola, as a result. But we can also make water's exquisite sensitivity work _for_ us, especially when it comes to fitness—if we whisper positive and sporty words to water, it will reward us by making us fit from the inside out. My beloved personal trainer, Elaine Wingle, collaborated with my personal water scientist on this workout, which harnesses the emotional instability of water to help us tone and tighten, especially in the lats. Pour a glass of water (preferably Fiji water, though water from Micronesia will also work in a pinch). Lightly caressing the glass, speak about your fitness goals in a soft, even tone of voice. Don't speak with bluster or bragging; approach the water from a place of vulnerability, honesty, and learning. For example, if you want to improve your mile time, tell the water not only that you'd like to run faster, but also how you feel when you can only run an 11-minute mile (i.e., "worse than a murderer"). Tell the water what you fear. This doesn't have to be something fitness-related; it is simply to allow the water to feel a sense of control in the situation. Tell the water what problem areas you're working on right now. With a straight, conscious spine, inhale deeply through the nose, and exhale through the mouth. Speak the most athletic words you can think of to the water for 90 seconds, without stopping. Some classic examples: "sweaty," "StairMaster," "1 percent body fat" After 90 seconds are up, quickly drink the water in a single gulp. As it goes down your throat and into your body, try to feel its path; now that you have changed its molecular structure with your words, it is actively toning every part of your body that it comes into contact with. Cool down by drinking a second glass of water. I like infusing mine with a hint of coconut if I feel like getting wild and really treating myself for a job well done! 3 The "Consciously Unicycling" Workout HELPS: STRENGTHEN CORE, IMPROVE BOUNDARIES YOU'LL NEED: GLOP BRAND TITANIUM EXERUNICYCLE (2), FORMER ROMANTIC PARTNER (1) When we experience trauma, it can be easy to see it as an excuse to begin neglecting our fitness. But what if we examined it from a _different_ paradigm, and began to view fitness as a tool to help us get to the next emotional phase in our life, while also developing our cores, which helps flatten abs and eliminate back pain? This workout was designed specifically for a time in my life when I was working through the end of a long and important relationship, and it doesn't only get the blood flowing—it gets the heart flowing, too. (Glop fun fact: the heart is actually _full_ of blood at all times. Really makes you think, doesn't it?) Though we crafted this to be an exercise done with a former romantic partner, single Gloppers can try it with a parent they have always secretly resented, a friend whose self-pitying Facebook posts they've grown tired of, or simply a small desktop mirror. After 45 minutes of focused isolation stretches, mount your Glop Brand Titanium ExerUnicycle ($4,860 each). Lightly pulse your core as you wait for your partner to mount their Glop Brand Titanium ExerUnicycle. 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feel fully engaged. This is the moment to begin unicycling towards your partner. Cycle directly towards each other. Moments before you would experience the impact of crashing into each other, jump off your unicycle, into the pile of thick gym mats you have placed around the perimeter of the room. Did I forget to say you should place piles of thick gym mats around the perimeter of the room? Sorry, that should have been step 1. We'll correct that in the next printing. Lying where you have fallen, begin your cooldown by inhaling deeply through the nose, and exhaling through the mouth. Meditate on the fact that you had no idea there was a way to be better at being divorced than everyone else, and yet, here we are. Repeat for 45 minutes. * * * BONUS I: His Holiness the Dalai Lama's Leg Day Routine for Building Dense Muscle Mass When I met His Holiness at a recent U.N. summit, I was happily surprised to find out that he is absolutely as much of a fitness fanatic as I am! I invited him to write this bonus section so that humanity can benefit not just from his wisdom, peace, and kindness, but also from his amazing innovations about warming up your hammies. And he has promised to provide exclusive content about how to get absolutely shredded abs for Glop's mobile app in the coming months, so keep an eye out! 1. LEG PRESS 3 sets of 10–15 reps 2. LYING LEG CURL 3 sets of 8–12 reps 3. LEG EXTENSION 4 sets of 10–15 reps 4. OVERHEAD BULGARIAN SPLIT SQUAT 5 sets, 10–12 reps each side 5. STIFF LEG DEADLIFT 5 sets, 10 reps His Holiness doesn't require any breaks and goes straight into back exercises, but the spiritually weak may rest as needed. BONUS II: HHTDL's Ultimate Leg Day Playlist Sugar Ray, "Fly" Katy Perry, "Firework" Disturbed, "Down with the Sickness" Technotronic, "Pump Up the Jam" Mark Ronson ft. Bruno Mars, "Uptown Funk" Britney Spears, "Work Bitch" Pitbull, "I Know You Want Me (Calle Ocho)" The Prodigy, "Firestarter" Sugar Ray, "Someday" Black Eyed Peas, "Where Is the Love" * * * Inspirational Quotes from My Beloved Personal Trainer ©Depositphotos Elaine Wingle, founder of the Elaine-anetics Dynamic Body Movement Center (as well as the Attencione! Enema Studio chain), is more than just my business partner, my muse, and the woman who sprays me with a high-powered water hose if I start crying during Pilates; she's also my rock in this world and my very best friend. Ever since the day we met at my favorite neighborhood café—Elaine walked right up to me, told me I had a "gross, weird, square butt and abs like Queen Elizabeth II," and then sprayed me with a high-powered water hose when I started crying—we have been inseparable, and my life has been endlessly enriched by her wisdom on issues like motivation, metabolism, and when it's permissible to eat solid foods. I knew I'd absolutely be remiss if I tried to write a chapter on fitness that didn't include some of Elaine's sage advice that helps me keep going and strive towards a personal best every time. "You can't stop." "No, you can't stop, I don't care if your kid is texting you that he needs his EpiPen. He can still text, can't he? Then he's fine." "You need to approach exercise the way you'd approach any other big endeavor: with an open and joyful spirit. 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me crush that spirit." "If you stop cycling, ever, I will murder you. Even late at night, when you think no one is there. I know your alarm code. Do you think that's a joke? Five more reps!" "There's no easy way to get the body you want. There's no pill you could take. If there were, I'd probably have to go back to my old job as a freelance cattle-slaughterer, so yes, I am really pouring a lot of money into keeping them from inventing that pill." "I'm sorry about your son; I really thought it wasn't that serious about the EpiPen. Oh well, you live, you learn. Now, five more reps!" "Pain is weakness leaving the body. Feeling woozy and dehydrated, and then kind of slowly tipping over and messing yourself on the studio floor, that is also weakness leaving the body." "Sure, you could not do stomach crunches for a week. You could also go walk out into the ocean with asphalt in your pockets. But guess what? I'm only here to prevent you from doing one of those things." "You know who had a stomach pouch like that? Hitler." "You are the mama who's so fat that when she sits around the house, she really sits _around_ the house. That's you. That's what your children say about you when you're not around. Now, five more reps!" Workout Wear for Maximum Impact & Minimal Moving ©Depositphotos When we plan a workout regime, clothing is often an afterthought. How is working out in a high-performance, mesh-fiber tank any different from working out in an oversized T-shirt that says "I Got TANKED at the 10th Annual Stratford Marina Fuel Tank Expo"? This is a common mistake among exercise newbies—because choosing the right workout wear can not only enhance your workout; it can actually be a workout in itself. Of course, there is no substitute for a painful and grueling daily workout routine. Thanks to my daily practice, I'm a 43-year-old mother of two with the abs of a hyperactive toddler who only eats fruit cups. But today's top-of-the-line workout wear can actually keep your workout going long after class has ended; many chic workout companies now embed microtechnology into their workout gear to help you extend and enhance your results as you stand in line afterwards waiting for your post-workout "diet latte" (warm water served in a cup with coffee stains). Below, I've listed a handful of my favorite picks for workout wear that does most of the hard work for you. LISTERIA "POSTURE" BIKE SHORTS $300 These bike shorts—from the famous French avant-garde fashion house's new workout line—enhance your workout by encouraging better posture via an ingenious 10-inch corset-like steel closure at the waist. KAPOWP "GET IT STARTED" TRACK JACKET $500 L.A. boutique Kapowp's workout togs are always my first purchase on any wardrobe-refreshing shopping trip, and I can't wait to pick up this new track jacket—vibrating micro-beads are woven into the very fabric, which helps loosen muscles and take your warm-up to the next level. SANTANA "SMOOTH" SPORTS BRA $700 This fantastic San Francisco sports bra company has nothing to do with the '60s guitar legend of the same name, _or_ his late '90s comeback hit of the other same name—but it _does_ have to do with mind-blowing innovations in sports bra technology, such as this model, which gently warms over the course of your workout (or walk to the coffee shop!), helping your breasts sweat out toxins, become more flexible, and just get an all-around workout better. 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$900 Le Publique is absolutely the final word when it comes to exercise tanks, and if you try this top just once, you'll feel the difference—microsensors embedded within the fabric deliver tiny shocks all over the surface any time your heartbeat drops below 150. MONICA PTERRIER "FLAME" TRACK PANTS price available upon request Pterrier was a personal trainer before she became a designer, and it shows in her unique and innovative workout wear. Like this extra-special pair of track pants, which are gently on fire. CARDIMOMA "SLUT 4 YOGA" T-SHIRT $65 It's important to remember to have fun at the gym! Easy Travel Fitness Hacks to Make Sure You Never Have an Excuse to Stop Exercising ©Depositphotos As an actress, philanthropist, and internationally accredited smoothie expert, travel isn't a periodic inconvenience for me—it's a way of life. But even though it's my normal, I still get the temptation to let my exercise routine lapse when I'm on the road. It's true! When we're away from home, we all get the urge to just stay in, turn on the TV, and ask room service to bring us some toothpicks that were once in the same room as a pizza. It's simply human nature. But we can't give in to the urge to "let ourselves go" just because we're on the go (did you like that? I thought that up and then told Elaine about it because I was so excited, and she said it was stupid, but I said it anyway! I'm so _bad_ today). In fact, developing a set of resources to help you stay fit while you travel can mean the difference between a fitness routine that you "fit in when you can" which yields no real results, and a fitness routine that can change your life. Below are a handful of my most cherished tips that help me stay healthy and motivated while I travel. Improvise If you don't have time to make it to your hotel gym, or are staying someplace that doesn't even have a gym, like in a treehouse in the Costa Rican rainforest (even though you specifically requested the treehouse with the gym months in advance, but when you got there, they mysteriously "got your reservations mixed up" with Sean Penn's, and he is in that treehouse and is _not leaving_ ), there's only one solution—improvise! Improvising isn't just a necessary part of travel fitness—it's also quite fun! If you can't get to the treadmill, run through a public park. If you can't hit a hot yoga studio, just towel the bathroom door and run a hot bath. If you don't have access to dumbbells, do your dips with your travel Golden Globes. Fitness is less about specific details than it is about staying committed and focused. And if you forget about the hot bath you were running and it accidentally leaks through the floor of your treehouse and ends up killing the 500-year-old tree you were staying in, well, you weren't going to stay there again anyway. Stretch Stretching is the foundation of any good fitness regimen, but it's more important than ever when traveling, which can find you in so many situations that throw you off balance and undermine the agility you've been working so hard for—like when a pilot hits turbulence, even though you specifically told him not to. So make sure to fit in lots of gentle stretching whenever you have a moment. Bring Your Chef So many of us get on a slippery culinary slope when we travel—first it's "just one French fry, I'm on vacation!" and then before you know it, you've had three or even four French fries, and you're in a gloom that won't abate for weeks. This can torpedo the entire vacation—so remember to put your personal chef on your packing list. He won't mind! It doesn't seem like he has a family or even any friends, not really. * * * NUTRITION * * * ©Dep	0.764709	-0.666626	-0.121365	-1.180637	[ 0.6989649702498535, 0.8304538114337344 ]	[ -1.1480817344684164, -0.18517121486911514 ]	[ -0.4853152227550379, 0.24258595153024737 ]	[ -1.4993046549626015, -0.8619689392406448 ]	1,024	[ 512, 512 ]	[ 13, 29938, 29929, 29900, 29900, 13, 13, 3226, 8042, 9854, 338, 13312, 278, 2186, 1734, 746, 372, 5304, 304, 15058, 260, 1331, 29892, 322, 565, 366, 1018, 445, 2246, 925, 2748, 29892, 366, 29915, 645, 4459, 278, 4328, 30003, 13076, 1883, 575, 943, 15685, 2629, 278, 18187, 12021, 21577, 19253, 29879, 599, 975, 278, 7101, 738, 931, 596, 5192, 915, 271, 4441, 567, 2400, 29871, 29896, 29945, 29900, 29889, 13, 13, 22877, 2965, 29909, 349, 4945, 3960, 1001, 376, 18823, 2303, 29908, 10014, 11375, 349, 2190, 9375, 13, 13, 9175, 3625, 2501, 2009, 13, 13, 29925, 357, 4336, 471, 263, 7333, 1020, 4983, 1434, 1183, 3897, 263, 23383, 29892, 322, 372, 3697, 297, 902, 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ositphotos We grow up believing in the food pyramid—that meat and potatoes are what keeps our bodies strong and our country great. But much like Santa, the Easter Bunny, and vaccines, the food pyramid turned out to be just another childhood myth. However, believing in this one has much more dire consequences than staying up all night on Christmas Eve or learning what "rubella" is—belief in the food pyramid is responsible for the obesity epidemic and the public health crisis of heart disease. And the only way to stop these plagues is to change the way we think about both food and pyramids. In the following pages, you'll find my exclusive guides to keeping your body healthy and nourished, as well as some life-changing tips for reimagining your relationship with food as well as your relationship with what exactly _counts_ as food. And remember—it's never too late to change your diet and change your life! Every morning is a new chance to feel grateful, be mindful, and eat a generous serving of avocado mist. The Glop Guide to What Foods Should Be Replaced by Pills, What Foods Should Be Replaced with Broths, and What Foods Should Be Replaced by Fart-Smelling Green Powders ©Depositphotos No matter what our day-to-day lives are like, we can probably agree on two things: we'd like to be healthier, and we'd like less actual food in our diet. Don't get me wrong—food absolutely has its place, like after a long day of touring your vineyard in the Elqui Valley, or to celebrate with your daughter, Fairuzabalk Hemoglobin, when she gets her very first side ab. But on a grueling regular day, when you have nine back-to-back gown fittings before jetting off to the christening of Kate Winslet's horse, you don't need food—you need the right vitamins, liquids, and stank-powders to keep you going. But while we know this intellectually, putting it into action can often be a bit more difficult. When you walk down the supplement aisle of your local grocery store, it's terribly easy to get overwhelmed—how are you to tell which supplements work? Or which won't? Is your diet lacking in vitamin B92? How do you figure out exactly what dosage of nut soot is right for you and your family? And, most important, what supplements can completely and permanently replace which foods? Don't stress out—we've got you covered. Below, we've put together a beginner's guide to which foods can be replaced with pills, broths, and powders that smell like a sweat-soaked pair of boxer shorts on a balmy summer's eve. FOOD: \| REPLACE WITH: ---\|--- Apples \| Mosquito-husked flax pills Blueberries (Maine) \| Clam powder (UK-harvested preferable) Blueberries (non-Maine) \| Pillow salt Calamari \| Mustard weep broth Chicken (baked) \| Hectored lemon widge powder Chicken (roasted) \| Hectored lemon widge broth (double-clarified) Chickpeas \| Powder made from chickpeas Garlic \| Nutritional yeast Okra \| Triple-purified yam-daddy broth Red Pepper \| Beetle needle extract pills Squash \| Eerie moans Shopping at the Organic Grocery Store: It's Not Just for Poor People! Recently, a top-tier group of activists, celebrity chefs, and award-winning puppeteers asked me, along with several other figures, to participate in an experiment designed to help raise awareness. Now, the second they told me that, I said yes—if you know anything about me, you know that I _love_ awareness. But when they gave me further details of the experiment, I was even more impressed: they wanted me to live like a poor person for 72 hours. 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heart—I know that so many of my fans struggle with being poor, which prevents them from being able to purchase any genuinely effective moisturizers, which is absolutely tragic. So I was ready to embrace this challenge wholeheartedly—until I realized I had no idea where to start. After a quick group text with my closest girlfriends (who I shall not name here, except to note that they were two of the three stars of the _Charlie's Angels_ movies) failed to yield any useful answers, I decided that this challenge was going to require some old-fashioned elbow grease. But after fully greasing my elbows (La Clariete Heritage Elbow Unguent, $76), I was still out of ideas. And then it hit me: I'd just find a poor person, follow them, and see what they did! Luckily, our senior associate assistant nanny, Claritin, had just clocked out, so I hopped in my Porsche Spyder (a car that I assumed would blend in better than my Maybach wherever we were going) and followed her. Eventually, she pulled into a parking lot in front of a place that I had to admit I was always curious about, but had always been too scared to go into—you know, like the big empty house on your block that all the neighborhood kids say is haunted? But I am not the kind of person who lets down celebrity chefs. So I parked the Spyder, took a deep _ujjayi_ breath (which some yogis call "the ocean breath"), and entered the infamous high-end "organic" grocery chain store, Round Nourishment Emporium. And boy, was I shocked! Despite its rough rep as a placed filled with brown and wilted veggies, toxic instant meals, and terrifying teen gangs, the Round Nourishment seems to have changed a lot in recent years. Here are the great things I discovered on my trip to to this organic food superstore—so if you ever find yourself forced to go there in an emergency, no need to be scared! 1 (Some) Great Beauty Products! While most of the shelves of the beauty aisles of this "emporium" were crowded with the usual convenience store junk (like shampoos made with natural rose _extracts_ instead of natural roses—what do you think I am, some kind of bozo?), I found a small but impressive selection of actually useful beauty products, including Pistachio Farms Pure Holistic Clavicle Butter and this French cream for burn victims that you usually need a prescription to buy. 2 Medium-OK Produce Let's not go too crazy here—the produce available at this store was still grown under execrable conditions, and will probably give you cancer if consumed regularly. But in a pinch—like when your CSA from Peter Gabriel's farm in Wiltshire is held up in customs—this produce could be used as a garnish, or even licked (but never chewed). 3 They Stock Your Book! When I made my way to the checkout line, I was very pleasantly surprised to find copies of my last book, _Glop You: 45 Delicious Recipes to Help You Become Less Like You and More Like Me_. The fact that Round Nourishment stocks your book should comfort any shopper who finds herself required to enter the store but is filled with apprehension by the strange, threatening gourd-filled troughs that frame the front doors, which forever open and close through unseen, ghostly hands. How to Source the Freshest Bones for Your Bone Broth, "Legally" ©Depositphotos For my money, there is simply no simple meal out there that is more nourishing, nutritive, and made out of bones than bone broth. As Glop-approved glandular holitrician Dr. Carolyn Burningman told me, the natural collagen, potassium, and magnesium in bone broth strengthens hair and nails, makes skin fresh and eyes bright, and insulates the brain in a cloud of pleasant, dulling numbness that cannot be penetrated by financial woes, environmental fear, or questions your children have about that karaoke movie you made with Huey Lewis. 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food out there worthy of the designation, it is bone broth! All bone broths are prepared in roughly similar ways—simmered for 12 to 24 hours in a reduction made with apple cider vinegar, and then consumed alone while sitting in the back of a unlit closet, gently rocking back and forth (this helps tone glutes). However, not all bones are created equal! To take full advantage of the healing and restorative qualities of bone broth, you must choose wisely. This means both avoiding additives found in many broths purchased in stores—avoid anything that includes the word "emulsifier" on the label—and making sure that you get bones that are of the absolute highest quality, but also right for your needs. Some health situations call for a broth made from cows' bones, which can be purchased fairly easily from most craft butcheries. But others call for something else entirely, and if you don't know what you're looking for, you can end up very frustrated, very quickly—especially if you're not looking in the _right places_ (you know what I mean). * * * BONUS: What I Actually Meant When I Told Reporters, "I Would Rather Smoke Angel Dust & Knife Your Mom in the Face than Consume Potassium Benzoate" When you give a lot of interviews, something you say is bound to be occasionally taken out of context. Such was the case for me at the 2008 Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Awards, where I graciously accepted my award for "Best Guest Voice on _The Fairly Odd Parents_ " by giving a brief lecture on health and nutrition that I thought America was long overdue to hear. I mean, if our schools refuse to teach about colloidal silver, how will our children ever learn about it? During my lecture, I made the now infamous statement above. But odds are that you've never heard what it meant _within_ my acceptance speech—I wasn't speaking as myself, saying that I'd personally consume PCP and attack your mother, but rather speaking as a _version_ of myself, who would only _talk_ about consuming PCP and attacking your mother in order to make a point about the nutrition crisis in this country! It's called the Socratic method, and it's how children actually learn. So let's focus our anger where it's deserved—at our public school system! Every morning, I rededicate my Kids' Choice Award to the American child's fight for true knowledge. * * * When it comes to picking out the right bones for the job, I learned by doing, and luckily, I took notes the entire time. The following tips should help you figure out what bones you need, and how to get them—whether you're taking your first plunge into bone broth's hot, semi-gelatinous waters, or you just need a refresher course on how to get bones without ever doing anything that would violate any laws, which is, of course, illegal for you to do (most of these laws no longer pertain to me, thanks to 2007's Senate-approved Celebrity Freedom Act). ©Depositphotos Hair Rejuvenating Broth For a broth designed to help your hair become more lustrous, you absolutely want to focus on cow knuckles. These joint bones are rich in cartilage—the butchery community refers to them as "hinge meats"—and, when boiled down, they're full of nutrients that strengthen hair from the shaft out. WHERE TO GET THEM: You can purchase beef knuckles from any butcher, but if you want to ensure that the cow in question was not doing anything _weird_ with their knuckles before they were butchered (like using recreational drugs or getting tattoos from an unlicensed facility), you'll want to go to an artisanal snout-to-tail butcher, ideally located in upstate New York, ideally operated by people who used to work in advertising. ©Depositphotos Skin Refreshing Broth To perk up your skin, you absolutely want marrow bones from wild-caught Eurasian boars. 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ifestyle of constant natural movement means that their bones are packed to the core with vitamins. WHERE TO GET THEM: Hunting the Eurasian boar in its natural environment is only legal in some states in the U.S., and even then, it is only legal to kill them using guns, rather than the large mallets that lead to a richer, more nutritionally dense kill. Please check state and federal regulations guiding Eurasian boar acquisition in your area, and never, _ever_ get your maid, Lana, to go out into the woods and feed SleepiestTyme tea to the local feral boar population until they are woozy and pliant enough to take down with 3–45 mallet bops each. ©Depositphotos Age-Defying Broth For an all-in-one age-defying broth that re-energizes exhausted muscles, helps restore skin elasticity, and smoothes fine lines, you need to mix a few different bones in your broth to get the right results—bones from different sources can actually complement each other, which means that when you get the exact right bone broth cocktail going, you're not only multi-tasking; you're actually crafting a more effective broth on every front. WHERE TO GET THEM: You'll want to start with a solid base of chicken feet, which most farmers have in great quantities. Remember to ask when the chickens were slaughtered—every day the chicken feet lie around makes them less effective. Then, you'll want to get some bones that are naturally full of youthful, restorative collagen. These are a bit more difficult to source, especially if you don't live near New York or Los Angeles, but remember—difficult doesn't mean impossible! Glop recommends sourcing these bones by hanging around near your area's most highly regarded cosmetic surgery center, and grabbing the "old noses" of kids trying to get cast on the _Even Stevens_ reboot. Again, freshness is the name of the game—materials found near the bottom of the dumpster will be older, and thus, less packed with vitamins. Finally, you'll want to grab a femur from an acclaimed model-actress under the age of 21. When simmered properly, this plump, vitamin-packed bone can provide months of amazing skin tone–evening benefits. Glop _absolutely does not_ advise sourcing this bone by calling up Elle Fanning's agent and promising Elle a mysterious, prestigious acting gig that requires her to come to the alley behind the Denny's on Wilshire right now, alone (primarily because it doesn't work). _Bone appetit!_ * * * Don't Forget the Blood! Over the course of harvesting your bones, you'll likely encounter a lot of blood, as well as some sinew and perhaps the odd thumb. But don't think of these things as yet another inconvenience of natural living that your maid Lana has to deal with—think of them as gifts! Spare blood can be used for a number of food and craft projects around the home; it also serves as a top-notch facial astringent, and, if it hasn't clotted yet, makes a lovely housewarming gift. I save all my extra blood in a decorative plastic bag with anticoagulant and sage essence ($42 for a pack of 3). * * * You Need to Eat Bees. Now! ©Depositphotos My visionary personal chef, Lusitania van der Beek, is not only one of my closest friends; she's also someone I pay to cook food for me. Lusitania's thrilling approach to fresh, whole foods is informed by her unique personal experience: she is a traditionally educated chef who has studied at the Culinary Institute of America and France's Le Cordon Bleu; additionally, a near-death experience in 1999 left her able to enter a trance state at will and channel an ageless non-human spirit named "Sacko Vanderbilt." Sacko is not only a source for cutting-edge information on health and nutrition that Big Agriculture doesn't want you to know—the infinitely wise,	0.603088	0.610316	0.003228	-0.400226	[ 0.5729548307819675, 0.633220549657913 ]	[ 0.7249157615815494, 0.49571530317390533 ]	[ 0.39983289510407205, -0.3933764855848581 ]	[ -0.2610524072742285, -0.5393990259772872 ]	1,024	[ 512, 512 ]	[ 7004, 1508, 310, 4868, 5613, 10298, 2794, 393, 1009, 289, 2873, 526, 4870, 287, 304, 278, 7136, 411, 13901, 314, 1144, 29889, 13, 13, 22043, 7495, 12354, 6093, 29924, 29901, 13, 13, 29950, 348, 1259, 278, 382, 10939, 713, 1045, 279, 297, 967, 5613, 5177, 338, 871, 11706, 297, 777, 5922, 297, 278, 501, 29889, 29903, 1696, 322, 1584, 769, 29892, 372, 338, 871, 11706, 304, 12088, 963, 773, 18788, 29892, 3265, 1135, 278, 2919, 4439, 10376, 393, 3275, 304, 263, 8261, 261, 29892, 901, 18254, 29878, 17658, 20619, 12088, 29889, 13, 13, 12148, 1423, 2106, 322, 17097, 1072, 8250, 1410, 4821, 382, 10939, 713, 1045, 279, 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cruel, and timeless disembodied entity also has endless innovative ideas about non-traditional garnishes. (Those edible birch nubs on top of the pudding at my last holiday party? All Sacko!) Lusitania's inspired and creative thinking has helped me with so many of my health epiphanies, and so I wanted to give her a dedicated platform so that she/Sacko could share one of their newest insights, which is being reported exclusively to Glop: The time has arrived. The time to eat the bees. Do you think you are strong enough to resist? Thinking and being are two different things, friend. It has been foretold for centuries, in your religious books and your "tee-vee shows," if only you had been ready to hear. The bees need to be eaten and so you shall eat them. I am a spirit from beyond space and time. Do you know better than I? I was here before the first dinosaur crawled from the wretched sea and I shall be here long after the light on your hateful planet snuffs out. What shall you do until then, pathetic mortal? You shall eat some bees. Your earth-bees are dying, because you do not eat them; they know they were placed here to be a skin-enriching source of calcium and zinc for you, and when you do not utilize them for this purpose, they weep at humanity's folly. Why do you trouble the bees so? If you dry them, put them through your food processor, and then add a dash of them to your morning smoothie, your complexion will glow. Fresh-caught is best, though freeze-dried is permissible. But I do not need to earn the belief of hairless apes who think themselves so great for having left the jungle and moved to concrete savannas. Your time is shorter than you think. And if you do not want it to be even shorter, you will eat some bees now. Right now. The Ultimate Guide to Cheat Days Many people—maybe even some of you reading this—have an image of me as a stern, joyless taskmistress when it comes to food. Gossip websites, in a rush to have "new" information, often publish misleading, or even fabricated, information about my diet, like how I only eat solid foods on days of the week that start with "Q," or that I require all my meals to be prepared inside the Metropolitan Museum of Art's Temple of Dendur. In reality, this could not be further from the truth—if I were, in theory, to plug all of my necessary food processors, dehydrators, and rehydrators into the Metropolitan Museum of Art's Egyptian wing, it would start a small fire that would damage a lot of priceless art and lead to a costly court battle that I am still not allowed to discuss with the media! So, you see, it's all absolute silliness. Though my other job requires me to stay in a certain physical shape, I crave comfort food and "treats" as much as any other woman, and there is no day of the week I look forward to more than my cheat day—the day when all the rules go out the window, and I am able to give in to my wildest, most decadent culinary desires. The particular cheat day detailed below happened last year in Rome, Italy, where I was shooting a new film. Rome has some of the greatest food on earth, and, as you can see below, I was NOT going to spend my whole trip depriving myself. Proper nutrition is about giving our bodies the best fuel they need, so that we can feel amazing—but it's not about denying ourselves. 8 A.M. BREAKFAST 1 cappuccino, whole milk ½ banana ½ cup steel-cut oats drizzled with manuka honey 11 A.M. MID-MORNING SNACK 1 passion fruit iced tea (no sugar) ½ carob bust of President James Madison 1 P.M. LUNCH Caesar salad (no cheese) ¼ cup loosely packed soil flown in from Antibes (no rocks) 4 P.M. 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calico) ¼ cup Maine blueberries 7:30 P.M. DINNER Large tossed salad ½ cup roasted quinoa with shallots 2 mackerel ½ soup can (soup and label removed) 1 license plate (Louisiana, the Sportsman's Paradise) 1 glass white wine DESSERT 1 copy of _Michael Jackson's Dangerous: The World Tour_ (VHS) ©iStock.com/MaximFesenko * * * SITTING VERY STILL & STARING AHEAD BLANKLY * * * ©Depositphotos For years, I'd heard so much about the healing properties of meditation, and how it had the power to solve all of your personal problems, from insomnia and fluctuating weight up to and including unexpected tax audits and climate change. But I could never figure out how to do it—until the fateful day that a trusted friend pointed out that meditation simply involved sitting very still and staring ahead blankly, a practice that I already devoted between 1 and 15 hours to daily. It made a lot of sense, and also explained why I already had so few personal problems. The thing about meditation is that you don't really need a guide, because it's the most natural thing in the world. In fact, if you're not already doing it right now, without even trying, you're actually doing it wrong. But if you have been struggling to figure out how to meditate, as I did, I designed this 3-week plan to help introduce the concept into your life, and serve as a guide while you develop a solid, healing practice. Today, commit yourself to the 21-day Sitting Very Still & Staring Ahead Blankly challenge: no matter what happens, you'll come out changed...for the blanker! Sitting Very Still & Staring Ahead Blankly: A 21-Day Plan ©Dean Drobot/123RF DAY 1 First thing in the morning, brew yourself a rich, healing tea of mushroom hummers and reverse-polarized cashew thoughts ($8) and slowly sip it from a solid silver ceviche serving cup ($23). After you've completed your drink, inhale deeply through your nose, exhale through your mouth, and begin a gentle 10-minute Sit & Stare session. Don't demand too much of yourself from this session—this is Day 1, so you don't have to prove anything to anyone just yet (except that you're able to hold in the diarrhea induced by the mushroom hummers and reverse-polarized cashew thoughts tea for at least 10 minutes). DAYS 2–3 Repeat Day 1 program. DAY 4 Did you spend your initial Sit & Stares worrying about money, the kids, or why not even one person invited you to Burning Man this year, even though you made it very clear that you would be open to it and actually already had some pretty good outfits ready? Don't sweat it—we're about to make that a thing of the past. Now that you've grown comfortable Sitting & Staring (and now that you've thoroughly cleaned out your intestinal tract), it's time to take it to the next level: breaking free from stressful thoughts. Now, before I ever meditated, I found this to be the most perplexing and, frankly, irritating thing people who loved meditation told me. Just let go of stressful thoughts? If it was that easy, wouldn't we all?? That's before I realized the true innovation that powers the Sitting Very Still & Staring Ahead Blankly program: a Stress Intern. Brianne, my Stress Intern, is a student at Occidental College, where she is majoring in something; and as part of her degree program, she comes to my home six times each fortnight and unburdens me of all of my stresses, carrying it upon her own shoulders. Everyone can develop their own method of working with their Stress Intern, but this is what works best for me: At 6 a.m., I wake up with some hot water with lemon, and Brianne arrives. 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to me holding a notebook. When a Stressful Thought comes to me, I say it out loud, and Brianne writes it down. Once I have spoken the thought aloud, I return to quiet until another Stressful Thought arises, and we repeat the process. At the end of the Sit & Stare, I move on with my day, and Brianne coordinates with my pool of assistants to work on or solve most of my Stressful Thoughts. She then sends me an email updating me on their statuses at the end of the workday. Once you receive such an email from your very own Stress Intern, the healing, stress-relieving magic of meditation in general, and Sitting Very Still & Staring Ahead Blankly in particular, will become very real for you. DAYS 5–8 Repeat Day 4 program. A NOTE ON THESE DAYS: While growth may happen very quickly during this part of the program, it also may not be happening fast enough for you to feel satisfied—you may feel haunted by certain Stressful Thoughts that feel irresolvable, like the needling belief that somewhere on earth, there exists a couch nicer than yours. In these situations, I have a personal go-to tactic that I haven't seen in any other meditation guides, but which always does the trick for me: I have my Stress Intern fetch me a solid crystal gravy boat from my solid crystal gravy boat collection. I rise from my Sitting Very Still & Staring Ahead Blankly back support pillow ($75) and smash the gravy boat to pieces on the ground, while screaming "Shitshitshitshitshit." I then resume my place on the cushion, and make sure that my Stress Intern makes a note to buy more solid crystal gravy boats. DAYS 9–20 I've set aside these days as a modified part of the program, in case you get called back to the set of your film franchise and have to do some reshoots (please adjust the program's calendar to your own reshoot schedule). If you're able to travel with your Stress Intern and dedicate a full hour to SVS & SAB, that's fantastic! But if the rigors of your schedule preclude this, I recommend beginning each morning with a Day 1 SVS & SAB, followed by this in the evening: Call up your Stress Intern, and put them on speakerphone. Tell them you left your Sitting Very Still & Staring Ahead Blankly back support pillow at home and could they please send you a new one. Sit on a hotel pillow, inhaling deeply through your nose and exhaling through your mouth, as your Stress Intern gently hums to you for up to 5 minutes (make sure they have read our blog post, "10 Great Soothing Hums for Your Boss's Stress Relief"). End with 5 minutes of SVS & SAB where you don't say anything, but have them stay on the line, just in case. DAY 21 Congratulations! You've changed your entire life, just by Sitting Very Still & Staring Ahead Blankly! After you've developed a solid routine, you may want to seek further assistance from a meditation teacher—I recommend one who offers both group and one-on-one classes, and who got into meditation after burning out in a glamorous but high-stress arts career (my teacher used to be a touring keyboardist for noted post-grunge artists Marcy Playground). But even if you don't end up exploring meditation on a deeper level, I hope you feel that much more relaxed, hopeful, and problem-free, and infinitely blanker, than you did three weeks ago. Also, if you told your Stress Intern that you were certified to provide college credit for their work, now might be a good time to tell them that wasn't actually true. I'm looking forward to telling Brianne next week! * * * WORK & FINANCES * * * ©iStock.com/DragonImages Our beliefs about money speak volumes about our sense of self, inner spiritual lives, and blood glucose levels—and for these reasons, we have to understand them. In the following pages, I'll share my most treasured secrets for finding your financial truth, connecting with your financial spirit, and	0.835933	-1.149872	0.26034	-0.491274	[ 0.8359325131497294, 0.8359325131497294 ]	[ -1.3450508784124853, -0.9546938476869667 ]	[ 0.20200609512409906, 0.31867318229177544 ]	[ -0.44444901118605684, -0.5380983408431607 ]	1,024	[ 512, 512 ]	[ 304, 592, 13587, 263, 451, 19273, 29889, 1932, 263, 3767, 404, 1319, 498, 1774, 5304, 304, 592, 29892, 306, 1827, 372, 714, 22526, 29892, 322, 15733, 484, 15873, 372, 1623, 29889, 9038, 306, 505, 19182, 278, 2714, 394, 2736, 29892, 306, 736, 304, 11813, 2745, 1790, 3767, 404, 1319, 498, 1774, 564, 4637, 29892, 322, 591, 12312, 278, 1889, 29889, 13, 13, 4178, 278, 1095, 310, 278, 21988, 669, 624, 598, 29892, 306, 4337, 373, 411, 590, 2462, 29892, 322, 15733, 484, 10350, 411, 590, 11565, 310, 6985, 1934, 304, 664, 373, 470, 4505, 1556, 310, 590, 3767, 404, 1319, 498, 1774, 29879, 29889, 2296, 769, 16003, 592, 385, 4876, 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figuring out if that uncomfortable chaise lounge you have is actually just a pile of gold bars that your assistant forgot to put in your Doomsday Vault. Like many of us, I was initially reluctant to learn about personal finance. I think of myself as an artist, a being of creation and light—not someone who wants to spend her time haggling over "tax breaks," "interest rates," or "structured payouts to keep your former au pair from discussing the 'Marfa Incident' with the media." However, in 2005, I learned a very tough lesson after I spent 3 months spent in a very challenging variation on the crow pose and forgot to do my taxes. If I hadn't been able to declare a loss that year (due to an unwise investment in an educational cartoon series designed to teach toddlers about the mysterious circumstances surrounding Jim Morrison's death), I would have been ruined. I knew right then that I had to take control of my finances, no matter how scary or spiritually off-putting it might feel. And it turned out that learning about money was not so bad! Invite Abundance into Your Life by Having More Money ©Depositphotos We live in uncertain times. Political instability, environmental disasters, lazy and undisciplined butlers—there's never a shortage of things to lose sleep over. But for many of us, the biggest stressor is finances. How can we feel more confident that we can provide the best for our kids? Will we always have to worry about retirement? Is there a way to make our family "recession-proof"? None of us are immune to financial fears—even I sometimes worry about the future (especially in 2008–2009, when I sank a lot of money into a direct mail company that sold packaged "cleanse" meals that actually turned out to be damp sawdust). Luckily, I have my financial spirit-worker, certified hypnotherapist, and accredited life coach (Canada only) Bretaigne Dokken on my speed dial to talk me through any money woes. Through working with Bretaigne, I've learned that most of what we think of as "money woes" are actually easy to solve. That's because when we don't have money, it's just because our souls are resistant to becoming rich. We can fix this by actively inviting abundance into our lives, through some of the simple exercises Bretaigne and I developed below. Go to the bank. This worked for me, during my great "money scare" of '09. After spending the entire winter huffing and puffing about how much money I had already lost and how much more the FDA fine was going to set me back—particularly unfair when you think about it, because it _was_ nutritional-grade sawdust—I finally went down to my bank, where I discovered I still had several million dollars. In fact, there was actually more money there than the last time I checked. That's why I suggest that you make this practice your first line of defense when you're worried about money—you may have forgotten how much you actually had in there, or some residual checks for that perfume ad you did might have finally cleared. Draw new money to you. If you check your bank and find that there still is a need for more money, a great next step is to create a financial abundance ritual to draw money to you. Money is a little bit like a swarm of bees—get the right bait and you can capture it and make it work for you, but go about it wrong, and you'll have a dead apiary manager and yet another time-consuming lawsuit on your hands. So it is important to draw money to you correctly. One method Bretaigne recommends is scenting the air with the essence of money. To do this, purchase a small money altar ($182) and, using a single soy-wax candle, burn money, releasing its essence into the air so that it can attract wealth to you. Bretaigne suggests using the kind of money you hope to acquire—so if you want hundreds, burn a hundred; if you want thousands, burn a large pile of hundreds, etc. This is your financial future, and worth taking seriously—it is no place to cut corners. 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money. When we have a difficult time obtaining money, sometimes it is because we don't feel comfortable and natural around money. Maybe we didn't grow up around it and feel like we "don't know how to act around money." Maybe it makes us feel guilty because, at one point, we were giving a lot of interviews about how we made all of our own money because our parents totally cut us off financially at 18, and it wasn't, like, 100 percent accurate. No matter what the cause, the solution is always to become more familiar with money. Get intimately familiar with money, and realize that there's nothing to be afraid of—it's intimidating at a distance but totally regular close-up, just like Ben Affleck. One of my favorite techniques for increasing comfort around money is to fill a pool with cool, luscious gold coins on a hot day, and dive in. Swimming among the coins is always such a refreshing, peace-building experience. Don't worry, money naturally just replenishes itself. We get a lot of emails here at Glop HQ from women who are nervous about balancing their family's financial future with their needs for high-end luxury goods. "Will I regret spending this $200 on a luxe eye cream made from ground nettle and sparrow fumes? Especially if little Timmy eats gluten tomorrow and I end up having to take him to the emergency room?" These women have forgotten—or maybe never learned in the first place, due to our disappointing, standardized-test-oriented American school system—that we don't ever need to be concerned about money running out, because they forgot Bretaigne's #1 Law of Financial Balance: Money Always Just Naturally Replenishes Itself. I had never considered it prior to meeting Bretaigne, but once she told me, I was shocked to realize it had been under my nose the entire time! It's true—every time I check my bank account, there IS more money in it. She really changed my perspective. Quality, Not Quantity ( _But Also Quantity_ ) ©Depositphotos In a hyper-materialistic culture, it can become so easy to focus on the wrong things, like how much stuff we acquire. We think having a lot of stuff will make us happy, but we're dead wrong—actually, it's having really nice stuff that makes us happy. The true thing to value in our lives isn't how many things you have, but how much you like the things you have, and then also how many of them you have. Are you worried that you might be too concerned with quantity? Use this simple exercise to figure out if you're hung up on just having a lot of stuff, or if you're focusing on the right things, like just a few really cute Fendi purses for everyday. Moving through your living space, pick up every item that your sight falls on. How does it make you feel? Does it make you sizzle with exhilaration? Or is it just a reminder of a bored Saturday afternoon you spent at the Prada store next to the Vatican? Items that make you feel exhilarated can stay; but items that don't immediately connect with you should be given away immediately, to create the mental space necessary to go buy tons of nicer new stuff. Though I mostly put this into action around the house, it can apply to any situation in your life—from assessing your art collection to your real estate properties (sorry, Denver!). The important part to remember is that you don't have to be afraid of "not having enough" and clinging to objects out of familiarity—you can still be whole without them (provided you immediately go out and replace them with other, better versions, or even just a tasteful $500 Diptyque candle). ©Depositphotos _The Universe's #1 Financial Law:_ If You're Poor, It's Because You Keep Thinking about Being Poor ©Depositphotos When Bretaigne explained this one to me, it blew my mind: since our inner thoughts shape our outer reality, when we're experiencing financial trouble, it's because _we can't stop thinking about being in financial trouble_. 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. This is another important principle to remember: the opposite of any financial law is also true. So if your insistence on thinking poor thoughts is keeping you poor, the only way to pull yourself up by your Saint Laurent sandals is to start thinking rich thoughts. If you're struggling with finding your own wealth-generating rich thoughts to think, I've presented a few of my own, which you can model yours on (or just use yourself! Don't worry, we won't tell): "This yacht is so tiny. What, does this yacht belong to a 9th grader?" "If everyone in this country wasn't too lazy to find a personal chef who only worked with whole, organic foods, we wouldn't have an obesity epidemic. I mean, god knows what these people's personal chefs are feeding them! I can't even imagine where they went to culinary school." "Where's my car? Lana, can you get me a car?" "If they want me to agree to _Tenenbaums 2_ , they're going to have to really up this offer AND work a lot harder on this subplot about how we're broke so Luke and I need to win a dance contest in order to save the old mansion." "Well, being organic-fed is only half of the nutrient story. How would you describe this cow's personal spiritual belief system?" Learning What a "Boss" Is so You Can Explain That You Are Your Own Being your own boss is the American dream. In fact, 9 out of 10 of my assistants reported on an anonymous survey that they "dreamed of becoming their own boss and never again having to work for a lunatic-tyrant who believes her bulgur consumption levels have given her the ability to enter the astral plane at will." When I heard that, my first thought was, "Me too! I want to live the American dream and be my own boss!" My second thought was, "But am I already my own boss?" My third thought was, "How can any of us know, when nobody even really knows what a boss is?" My fourth through thirtieth thoughts were mostly about which tomatillos I should take to Sir Phil Collins's upcoming Boxing Day potluck. But first thing the next morning, I was back at it and hot on the trail of defining a "boss." If you, too, have always dreamed of being your own boss, but have been held back by the fact that you're not really clear on what a "boss" is, you can put these tips to work for you. Check the dictionary. My first stop was my personal library to check the dictionary. However, as I began to search for the definition, I was reminded that all the books I own—with the exception of cookbooks and a first-edition copy of _The Power of Now_ —are actually just book jackets that my interior decorator purchased at an estate sale. If this happens to you, don't let it hold you back—as you're about to discover, there are plenty of other options at your disposal. Check the Urban Dictionary. Since paper books were a bust, I went to the books of today—the Internet. I ended up on a site called Urban Dictionary, which seemed like it would probably have the most up-to-date info, on account of being located in a centralized city area, instead of rarely amended rural-based dictionaries. According to Urban Dictionary, a boss is "Incredibly Awesome; miraculous; great." While some of that checked out—I could certainly easily qualify as being my own Incredibly Awesome, miraculous, great—I felt like I was only getting half the picture. Check Wikipedia. When I asked my 4th assistant, Galactica, she suggested that I google it, which brought me to a site called Wikipedia. According to this site, a "boss" is "a person in charge" but also potentially Bruce Springsteen, the head of a criminal organization, a lunar crater, a 2013 Hindi-language film starring Akshay Kumar, and a number of other confusing possibilities. Yell into your phone. Since I'd experienced trouble with both real books and the Internet, I thought I'd have better luck with my trusty phone. 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rysantitium, came in and told me my phone was turned off. She then also informed me that not only was I my own boss, but I was also her boss, and that she could not set up a direct deposit system for dried sage leaves as I had requested earlier in the day. It's so important to always be learning...especially when you're your own (and apparently several other people's) boss. * * * PARENTHOOD * * * ©Depositphotos There is no task more simultaneously thrilling and terrifying than raising a child. I still remember the potent mix of joy and fear I felt the first moment I held my daughter, Pharisees Homonculus—I knew she was the center of my world now, that I had to do everything I could to protect her, and that everything had changed. At the time, I had thought that would involve shielding her from speeding cars or unsafe swing sets; now I see that it mostly involves helping her stick to a family diet plan where no one eats foods grown in areas with fewer than five Montessori schools. But it's the exact same feeling, and one that every mother knows—there is simply nothing as important as making sure that our kids are healthy, happy, and have very low BMIs. In this chapter, I share a few of the parenting tips I've picked up in the decade-plus since that fateful day in the maternity ward in the hospital on George Clooney's Lake Como estate. Now, I am aware that parenting advice—as well as what exactly qualifies as good parenting—is a very charged issue nowadays. I know that I personally landed in some hot water a few years ago, when I told a certain entertainment channel that being a celebrity mom is "way harder than being some regular mom who works at the drugstore or bank or something. Like, sometimes I get a phone call, and they're like, 'You're going to Cannes!' But the drugstore is in the same place every day, you know? It's never in Cannes; it's always in whatever repugnant little town these people live in. And I really envy that. Oh my god, wait, has this recorder been on this whole ti—" But all I meant was that I think you moms who work at banks and drugstores and whatnot are the real heroes! You work tirelessly to give your kids the things they need, even though that means that you have to make due with stretched-out yoga pants, or, even more chillingly, with no yoga pants at all. This one's for you! 9 Additives That I Can't Believe You Let Your Children Go Near ©iStock.com/jdwfoto Though we went over one of the biggest overlooked threats to your child's well-being at the top of this chapter, there are still plenty of threats to your baby's health (and even life!) that you're overlooking every day. Even if you're aware of the biggies, like food preservatives and polyester underpants, you're probably missing a plethora of other poisons, toxins, and additives that could be hurting your little one's development. Ignoring these threats puts him at a disadvantage for everything from getting into a good preschool to launching his own line of playfully embroidered jacquard silk teething bibs. So make sure to keep an eye out for how much exposure your child has to the following toxins: 1 sodium 2 English-language cartoons 3 cake 4 low-thread-count sheets and blankets 5 living ducks 6 bricks 7 dolls not personally gifted by Zac Posen 8 "ham" 9 pollutants used in the manufacturing of their training Bugatti Are Wi-Fi Rays Why Your Baby Can't Speak French? When our children fall behind their peers, it's easy to start immediately blaming ourselves. 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rough. Did we not read to them enough? Fail to get in enough prenatal yoga? Was it the commercially prepared bee pollen that I ingested while pregnant? Was it that one glass of wine I had when I was 8 months in? Well, I'm sure none of that helped (except for that glass of wine—that should have made your baby MORE French!). But there's a secret foe in your home, one that is frying your baby's brain: Wi-Fi rays. Though the government refuses to acknowledge this, I have personally overseen research on the issue (at great personal cost), and my researchers have found that babies exposed to Wi-Fi rays between birth and one year were at risk for failing Baby Babel language courses, being unable to play simple ragas in his Sitars 'N' Sitters class, and otherwise publicly humiliating you. Don't take unnecessary risks! Turn off all Wi-Fi and cellphones in your home _and_ at school until your child is at least 10, or has satisfactorily completed the French language SAT II, whichever happens first. Trending Baby Names ACCORDING TO A RECENT GLOP POLL OF MY DIARY, THESE ARE THE HOTTEST BABY NAMES FOR THE COMING YEAR! Fistula Vichyssoise Zenyatta Mondatta Zenith Quntuplence A-Rod Parenthetical Bonecrusher III Farm Caligulla Genesee Mungojerrie Beta Meticulous Hullabaloo Pere Ubu Kathan Kathaniel Mathryn Oneonta Pinkburry Suspiria Nordic-Trac Dolph (feminine: Dorf) Stilton Rum Tum Tugger Music Easel How to Tell Your Nanny How to Guide Your Kids Through the Ups and Downs of Adolescence ©Depositphotos Nothing means more to me than being there for the people whose job it is to be there for my kids. My schedule often takes me away for weeks at a time (which, it should be noted, simply for posterity's sake, is _way_ longer than a double shift at Dunkin' Donuts, but I digress). But I don't let that stop me from being fully involved in my kids' lives; I stay active by leaving _extremely_ detailed notes for my nannies about how to imbue my children with strong morals, help them develop resilient self-esteem, and make sure that they don't touch my stuff. My daughter, Phranklin Mint, has recently begun to bloom into the soft, delicate rose of womanhood, so she's needed different support from me than she's needed in the past—she now needs me to be hands-off and yet more present than ever. It's a tricky balancing act, and I often get it wrong, like any mother. But I've learned enough (and I know all mothers want all the help they can get) that I feel confident passing on some of my top tips to you: Make sure that your nanny talks to them about sex, especially teen pregnancy. Teen pregnancy is quite awful, isn't it? Be sure to have your nanny bring that up and present them with 5–10 ideas about how they can avoid it. Have your nanny have an honest, no-holds-barred conversation with them about bullying. This one's as awful as the pregnancy one, if not worse! Definitely be sure to have your nanny do something about this one and also present them with 5–10 ideas about how they can avoid it (important: _Make sure these ideas are different than the pregnancy ones_ ). Direct your nanny to talk to them about their inherent beauty, and how beauty standards aren't an actual measure of their worth. This would also be the perfect time to work in some extra material about not touching my stuff—I had some extremely expensive lipsticks go "missing" while I was away at Paris Fashion Week. Have your nanny teach them the value and dignity of hard work. 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this, so make sure to leave her with a few great books on the topic (see Glop's exclusive list, "10 Books on the Value of Hard Work to Gift to Your Household Staff," on our website). Have your nanny promise them that they can always talk to her about anything that's troubling them and reassure them that even though she may get mad in the moment, it's just because she's disappointed about a choice they made, because she knows what wonderful kids they truly are. She always loves them, and they can always come to her with any problem, no matter how scary it is—and, if necessary, she can conference me in on Skype. This would also be an excellent time to just work in another bit about not touching my stuff. 3 Must-Have Apps to Help You Remember Which of Your Kids Is Into Ballet Now, or Dinosaurs, or Something ©Depositphotos Like any busy working mom, I need a little help from time to time—as much as I'd like to, I simply can't do it all on my own. My 7 nannies are a lifesaver, of course, as are my 8 assistant nannies and 12 assistants to the nannies, but when life gets especially hectic, I can barely focus on prepping my talking points for my daily 6 p.m. all-nanny staff call, and I can start to feel distant from my children and left out of their lives. Sometimes, I've gotten so frustrated with the way work takes me away from them, I've contemplated quitting and/or hiring more nannies, but we all know that this won't really solve any of our problems. Luckily, there's a new generation of ultrahip mom-trepreneurs who totally get both the joys and frustrations of trying to combine life as a career woman with life as a hands-on mother—and their apps have saved my behind on more than one occasion. I'm overjoyed to now share them with you. 1 Which One Is That? More than once, I've come home after weeks away on set, only to realize that I can't tell my kids apart anymore. Which one is the 5-year-old who's into youth soccer, and who is this one who is getting finger smudges all over my Celine overnight bag? Are they the same one? Different ones? Is there a third one that I forgot about while shooting B-roll in Estonia? This app makes this common family nightmare a thing of the past, with full files that include your child's face, name (with a pronunciation chart!), and interests, as well as quick facts like how many kids you have and how long you've had them, so you never need to have another awkward homecoming where you give a stuffed animal to one of your shorter valets by mistake. 2 So What's She Into Now? Is It Still Gymnastics? Kids get obsessed with new hobbies and interests at the same rate that adults use bottles of extra extra extra virgin olive oil—which is amazing and admirable, but can also be tough to keep up with. Yet despite this, most kids have no problem making you feel terrible when you mention a hobby that they're no longer interested in, often coldly informing you that they stopped being interested in that years ago, or, even worse, they were never interested in that to begin with, and you're actually misremembering a plot point from the film _Blank Check_. This great app uses a proprietary macro to skim your children's social media profiles, keeping you constantly up to date about their newest interests and hobbies. It even automatically buys them gifts online to coordinate with their new interests, to remind them that there's more to be gained in smiling beatifically at you as we go through another cookbook photo shoot than there is in whining about how "I'm 10, why would I want a DVD about learning how to use the potty?" 3 Actual Allergies This handy stealth app (slyly hidden with a faux banking icon on your smartphone's screen) helps you keep a confidential and unhackable list of your child's actual allergies, as opposed to the allergies you made up because you wanted them to eat celery instead of Butterfingers at	0.403115	-0.659744	0.096752	-1.217056	[ 0.49351365590003937, 0.312716499272203 ]	[ -1.0764565912160275, -0.24303090090268542 ]	[ 0.25273091563178446, -0.05922673049048067 ]	[ -1.306803255111888, -1.127308706602439 ]	1,024	[ 512, 512 ]	[ 445, 29892, 577, 1207, 1854, 304, 5967, 902, 411, 263, 2846, 2107, 8277, 373, 278, 11261, 313, 4149, 402, 4757, 29915, 29879, 29192, 1051, 29892, 376, 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the movies. Download this app, and never again worry that you're mixing up the allergies that actually require medical attention with the "allergies" that require a stern Facebook post about food coloring additives. How to Explain to Your Child's Teacher That He's Not Disruptive, He's the Reincarnation of a 12th-Century Tibetan Lama Beginning school can be a wonderfully enriching experience for a child—the chance to finally spread his wings, explore his interests, and make friends. Most of the time, teachers love being a part of this—they got into this business because they love to watch little people grow and develop. But eventually, you'll come across a teacher who is, for lack of a better word, sour. Maybe she's jealous of your child's natural blond hair and carefree lifestyle. Maybe she's jealous of your natural blonde hair and carefree lifestyle. Maybe you were both in callbacks for a role in a 1989 film, and you got it and she didn't because she mysteriously fell ill the day of the final audition after eating a cup of tainted soy yoghurt that _someone_ left out in the audition room. It's a given in any parent's life, so we all need to be prepared. I recently had such a run-in in my own life, in my son Comic-Sans's second (third?) grade classroom. During parent-teacher conferences, this teacher briefed me on what she felt was troubling behavior on the part of my son, and then presented me with a brochure on a set of behaviors called the "serial killer triad." I felt, as so many parents do, that this teacher was misunderstanding my family, and I was confused and helpless—particularly since a close friend/mindfulness teacher/reiki coach/yoga butler had recently emerged from a weekend-long meditation trance to tell me that my son was, in reality, the reincarnation of a 12th-century Tibetan lama, and that's why he kept belching in math class. I talked to Irene Jamiorquai-Sanders, president of TeachAware, a non-profit, nontoxic, and non-accredited organization that teaches parents how to explain to teachers that they're wrong. Below, I give the finer points of Irene's patented T.E.A.C.H. method of interacting with teachers. T TELL THEM YOUR TRUTH. Though we often believe that certain teachers "have it out" for our kids, in general we couldn't be more wrong. These teachers are simply only witnessing _their_ truth about our kids, which then blocks their view of _our_ truth about our kids. The only way to deal with this is to gently brush their truth away, so that they can more clearly see your actual accurate truth. This point was greatly clarifying for me: Comic-Sans's teacher was seeing _her_ truth when Comic-Sans told his classmates that we had a dead body in our house, while failing to see _my_ truth, which is that the dead body is simply part of a much larger custom art installation Damien Hirst did for us at our ski chalet. E EXPLAIN FACTS THAT THEY MAY HAVE MISSED. As I discussed in a previous Glop newsletter, the death of our beloved family dog, Pier Paolo Pasolini, was a complete accident, and was in no way my son's fault—there is simply no way he could have accessed that much cocoa butter on his own. I assumed that the teacher would know this from my newsletter, but you have to assume that human error is the only constant in this world. Perhaps that edition accidentally went into her junk mail inbox. There's no need to get worked up about it; simply explain the important facts that you laid out in that edition of your newsletter, which will probably shift the conversation and end your dispute. A ALWAYS MAKE YOUR POINT OF VIEW CLEAR. If the previous two steps haven't quite yielded the outcome that you had hoped for, it's now time to make sure that the teacher understands your entire point of view. 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the info about why my son is the reincarnation of a 12th-century Tibetan lama (i.e., similar hairlines, both have names starting with a "C," both came to me in a dream to confirm the importance of this information to me) while I made a quick phone call. C CHECKLIST If you're really having trouble getting through, bring a paper checklist that lays out all the changes your child requires. When I came back from my phone call, I took out my checklist, which laid out all the various homework duties that my son would need reduced or eliminated so that he could have room in his schedule for some past-life regression sessions. H HATHA YOGA Self-care is the most important part of any endeavor, yet it's also the easiest to forget about. Make sure to get in 45 to 85 minutes of freeing, energizing hatha yoga after a draining parent-teacher meeting. And what should you do if you go through the entire T.E.A.C.H. method, to no avail? We ended up pulling Comic-Sans out of school in order to be privately tutored by Sir Patrick Stewart, though we also heard soon after that the teacher with whom I had butted heads went on medical leave after consuming a plate of tainted chickpea "meatballs" that someone happened to leave out in the faculty lounge. * * * RELATIONSHIPS * * * ©Depositphotos Long-lasting, mutually respectful romantic love is a lot like the moon—we're all raised to believe that it's real and that we can see it every day. But as life goes on, we start to wonder more and more if it perhaps doesn't exist at all, and is actually a vast government conspiracy conducted with a series of high-powered holographic mirrors. I, like the rest of you, am still looking for answers on this front—though I've come under fire through the years for supposedly encouraging women to aspire to impossible standards regarding their bodies, hair, families, careers, financial situations, flexibility, and number of healthy daily bowel movements, when it comes to romance I'm as puzzled as any schoolgirl. But I'm also a seeker—and in this chapter, I'll share some of the most compelling information I've come across in my own quest to understand the hows, whys, whoms, whiches, ifs, thens, yups, fleeps, and blubbles of love. Finding a Couples Therapist Who Will Always Take Your Side ©Depositphotos I consider couple's counseling a "last resort," something to be contemplated only after couples art therapy, couples massage therapy, couples laser facials, and an erotically charged "murder mystery party" weekend at Lenny Kravitz's château have all been exhausted. There's a reason so many of us are resistant to couples counseling: it's tough to be so vulnerable around a person you barely know—especially with your counselor in the room, too. When we visit a couples therapist but find that we can't spit out the words we came there to speak, that's our inner child telling us that it feels unsafe there—and your inner child must feel safe if you're to be honest and make any progress in a therapeutic environment. Safe from violence, safe from ridicule, and, most importantly, safe from being disagreed with (if you have any real children, you know that they absolutely hate that last one). How do you ensure that your inner child feels protected and sheltered in your couples therapy office? With the help of a few of our most trusted couples, couples therapists, and personal trainers, we've pulled together a list of essential questions to ask, to make sure that your time in your couples therapist's hands will be a healing experience: "I find that one of the central, ongoing issues in our relationship is that my partner is often wrong. What do you think?" 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the god-like power of watching the lights extinguish behind another person's eyes. What do you think?" "If a train leaves Cleveland going 85 miles per hour, headed for Tulsa, yet my partner insists that the train is traveling 92 miles per hour, because he read it on his stupid iPad that he plays with for hours after I fall asleep, when will it reach Tulsa and also what specifically is wrong with my partner?" "I know one couple, the Benjamins, who seem sooooo happy" (placing two hundred-dollar bills on the table). Can you show my partner how to be happy like them? I heard they keep things spicy by inviting in some friends on occasion." (Place two more hundred-dollar bills on table.) The Best Organic Fiber Couches to Make Him Sleep on Tonight ©Depositphotos Real, honest romantic love is a lot like an organic fiber couch—it is made sturdy by its inherent realness; it is proof that our nature is to be true; and it is a vibrant, wonderful way to quietly telegraph your superiority to your friends who have synthetic fiber couches or use Tinder (the synthetic fiber couch of real, honest romantic love). But perhaps the quality that makes love and organic couches the most similar is that their beauty and value lies in their flaws—a faint natural discoloration here, a suspiciously unreturned text there; an unexpected variation in texture, a text sent seven hours after a promise to "explain it all when I get home." These natural flaws provide a great way for romantic love and organic fiber couches to truly intersect—you can use your organic fiber couch as a sacred space to give your partner room to reflect on change. Each of these organic fiber couch materials provides a different way to tell your partner, "The nature of commitment is always changing. Also: this is really how you're going to spend your 40s, acting like a goddamned overgrown child? _I almost married Brad Pitt_ and now I'm dealing with this bullshit??" Wool Great for: when his protestations about how that ski instructor was "just adjusting my posture" ring hollow. Bamboo Great for: when he "accidentally" left his wedding ring in the bathroom of Café Gratitude for the fifth time. Jute Great for: when you realize he deleted all your wedding photos from his laptop so that he could install Tidal. Hemp Great for: when you find out about his flirtations with other women from a two-star review of his headliner performance at Bonnaroo. New Wood Great for: "Oh, you were hiding that bracelet because you were going to give it to me 'as a surprise'? Then why does it have amethyst on it?? MY JEWELOLOGIST SPECIFICALLY TOLD YOU THAT I'M ALLERGIC TO AMETHYST'S VIBRATIONS!!" How to Do "Sex" ©Depositphotos In the hustle and bustle of a two-career family, it's easy to let intimacy fall by the wayside. Who among us hasn't had a moment where you suddenly realized, with shock, that it's been months since you told your partner, "Hurry up and finish, I have to attend the opening of a new rolfing gym in Silverlake at 8!"? Many of us assume that this tapering-off of desire is the "natural" course of events in any romantic relationship. But it doesn't have to be. In fact, experts agree that doing sex with our partners can be up to 1/50th as satisfying as going to back-to-back barre classes, if we simply approach it with the right mindset. Surprised? So was I. But through the years, I've collected the tips below, which always help me get in the mood to become intimate with a partner at any time—even when sex is an imposition on a day you had already planned on devoting to getting mani-pedis with your agent, Frigg the Old Norse goddess of wisdom, and Gwen Stefani. Yup, they're _that_ good! 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29714, 29892, 322, 402, 15556, 25292, 3270, 29889, 612, 786, 29892, 896, 29915, 276, 903, 5747, 29918, 1781, 29991, 13, 13, 25639, 682 ]	1,332,121	37,888	Book	-1	-1
a cup of Fck Dirt. Claith Dirndl is more than just a longtime spiritual mentor of mine and badass working mom to a beautiful family of spiritually evolved sea monkeys; she's also the brains behind L.A.'s Cup of Dirt, an amazing natural apothecary-cum-smoothie spot that sells drinks packed full of Claith's amazing line of healing dirts, each loaded with essential (yet often overlooked) restorative herbs like widow's speculum, grundel bark, and chipped hair. Claith has finally made her dirts available online, so that everyone around the world can enjoy a nice, warm glass of her vital loams at the end of a long day. Each of her supplements aims to help with a different area of life—like spirituality or rest—and I simply cannot get enough of her intimacy supplement, Fck Dirt. In fact, I always make drinking it the first step in my intimacy ritual. Mix one teaspoon of F*ck Dirt into an 8-ounce glass of water, stir thoroughly, and sip with intention. The ingredients go to work immediately: the apple-hat extract ignites the libido, while the ground essence of wig-dumpling really scrubs at the colon, which gives you a fun thing to look forward to afterwards—it will motivate you to make it through. Claith also sells a fabulous line of condoms spun from polenta proteins, which really make cleanup a breeze. Assemble your tools. Ninety-five percent of a good roll in the hay is about getting the right supplies, so make sure you pick them up well in advance of your date night. I like to grab some new water-repellent lingerie from Particular Larvae the day of the big event to "get in the mood"; their cheeky designs are stimulating to the eye, and keep you totally insulated from any sweat that may happen to get dripped on you. Those naughty Germans at Falco Workshop make a great line of solid gold diamond-studded dildos that cost $10,000 and really make it look like you're trying. And don't forget to tip your blindfolded cellists in advance of the big event! It's very easy to forget about it after the fact, and word gets around in the blindfolded cellist community _very_ quickly. Get your new sheets on. Silk sheets get a bad rap as cheesy and dated; but Mme W's specially crafted silk bedware will perfectly preserve your blowout's integrity throughout the sex, whether you're lying perfectly still _or_ moving around slightly. Rrrow! Bang your sex gong. Many of us have been using the same exact sex gong to inform our lovers that it is time to make sex love for years—one of my girlfriends has had the same one since college! Picking up a brand-new sophisticated sex gong might be just what you need to put a little more maca extract into your breakfast smoothie, _if you get my meaning_. Don Juan de Sex Gong makes some petite yet full-bodied ones that we absolutely love. It's over! After about 15 minutes (25 if it's the weekend!), I assume that it's over and get up to do some gentle stretches. Sometimes sex can lead to pattern dryness in combination skin, so I always try to get a jump on this by immediately applying a mixed set of restorative facial masks, each one on a different problem area of my skin. I also have one of my assistants send my partner a congratulatory text on their performance in the bedroom—Ciara Vognes makes a set of artisanal eggplant emoji ($35) that truly convey a job well done. Sitting Very Still & Staring Ahead Blankly: For Him _and_ Her As we covered in a previous section, Sitting Very Still & Staring Ahead Blankly is the path to personal enlightenment, contentment, an increased sense of peace, and the ability to breathe underwater for up to 300 seconds. But did you know that the tenets of Sitting Very Still & Staring Ahead Blankly don't have to only be practiced alone—that you can also	0.860587	-0.45869	-0.98115	-1.011548	[ 1.1317824058134616, 0.5893909359299526 ]	[ 0.2020522158391115, -1.1194316771674608 ]	[ -1.1016217919234153, -0.8606788945119097 ]	[ -0.7475086474375179, -1.2755868118928533 ]	1,024	[ 512, 512 ]	[ 263, 18002, 310, 383, 29930, 384, 360, 2728, 29889, 13, 13, 20216, 389, 19378, 299, 29880, 338, 901, 1135, 925, 263, 1472, 2230, 20954, 6042, 272, 310, 7903, 322, 4319, 465, 1985, 16823, 304, 263, 9560, 3942, 310, 8548, 1474, 15220, 1490, 7205, 1601, 8149, 29936, 1183, 29915, 29879, 884, 278, 4105, 1144, 5742, 365, 29889, 29909, 6169, 29879, 6536, 310, 360, 2728, 29892, 385, 21863, 292, 5613, 3095, 10323, 29883, 653, 29899, 29883, 398, 29899, 3844, 6983, 347, 9758, 393, 269, 10071, 13748, 29879, 4870, 287, 2989, 310, 6015, 389, 29915, 29879, 21863, 292, 1196, 310, 540, 12818, 4516, 1372, 29892, 1269, 7500, 411, 18853, 313, 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bring them to your romantic relationship, to ensure that you two feel connected, experience greater unity, and are both able to breathe underwater for up to 300 seconds? It's true! With the help of Maira Gargelle, author of _The Spiritual Seeker's Guide to Deep Dicking_ , I crafted this plan that can help any couple feel that soul-deep connection yet again. And the best part? You don't even have to be in the same room, or even in the same relationship, to make it work! Empty your mind of all conscious thought (this should take 5 to 10 seconds, tops). Focus on your breathing. Imagine if it were your partner's breathing. Slowly engage in a rhythmic massage of your genitals that is DEFINITELY NOT MASTURBATION. Continue not-masturbating long enough to have a spiritual epiphany that feels extremely similar to an orgasm, and yet unquestionably is not. Repeat after refractory period if the spirit still demands it. * * * SPIRITUALITY * * * ©Depositphotos Spirituality has interested me ever since I moved to Los Angeles in the '90s and met my first spiritual teacher, some old guy who used to hang around George Harrison. That experience set me on a spiritual journey that continues to this day—a journey that I am so excited to now share with you. In the chapter below, we truly dig into the heart of the Glop lifestyle, which I think of as a spiritual practice as much as it is a place to sell my signature bergamot-rosemary shoe perfume. In the sections below, you'll discover the treasured spiritual wisdom that guides my life, my family, and even my skincare regimen. You may not be able to look like me, but thanks to Glop, at least you can _believe_ like me. How Quantum Physics Discovered That Nothing Actually Exists & What This Means for Your Cleanse If your dinner parties are anything like mine, you've probably been hearing a lot about quantum physics lately. In fact, recently it feels like after everyone makes the cursory five minutes of chitchat about a new charity that provides "forever" homes to abandoned endives, suddenly no one can speak of anything but the infinitely malleable nature of reality, where both everything and nothing are happening at any single moment. It's like Victoria Beckham's non-denominational adult bat mitzvah didn't even happen last week! But people are talking about quantum physics for a good reason—while it sounds like an abstract concept that should be left to scientists in labs, in reality quantum physics affects us every single second of our lives. Yes, even when we're at hot yoga! In fact, that was the first question I had for Guelph, Glop's resident aura reader/spiritual thought leader/intuitive gynecologist. When I met with Guelph inside her home—which is actually my 6,000-square-foot guest yurt, a lovely space furnished with bowls of luscious root vegetables, gorgeously hand-dyed floor pillows, and a TV I was considering throwing out—I was more nervous than excited about my new wisdom regarding the false facade of existence. I worried: If nothing actually exists and everything is just a projection of our minds, what does it mean for our families? Or our extremely legitimate acting awards? Will it impact our souls? Or more mundane things, like, just as a random example here, the amount of money we're able to charge companies to run ads on our blogs? Guelph walked me through all of it, using an ancient, wordless teaching method that involves aura massages, extended eye-gazing, and the TV I was considering throwing out. By the time we finished with our spiritual voyage, I was no longer afraid, but in fact incredibly excited to exist in a realm where reality is simply a projection (it certainly explained some of the meaner emails we've received at Glop through the years). I wish you could all feel the majesty and wonder as Guelph summons a learning circle and then performs a fable for us using shadow puppets carved from luscious root vegetables. But I'd like to give you the next best thing: Guelph's lesson on quantum	1.772791	-0.113098	0.473384	-0.055544	[ 1.3783239830332386, 2.1672570301365246 ]	[ -0.6180556744007396, 0.3918588454579417 ]	[ 0.14620879256564515, 0.8005589771147866 ]	[ -0.32348529371229773, 0.2123969815477964 ]	1,024	[ 512, 512 ]	[ 6963, 963, 304, 596, 6017, 7716, 9443, 29892, 304, 9801, 393, 366, 1023, 4459, 6631, 29892, 7271, 7621, 20107, 29892, 322, 526, 1716, 2221, 304, 2078, 271, 354, 1090, 13405, 363, 701, 304, 29871, 29941, 29900, 29900, 6923, 29973, 739, 29915, 29879, 1565, 29991, 2973, 278, 1371, 310, 6868, 336, 402, 1191, 1808, 29892, 4148, 310, 903, 1576, 20799, 950, 922, 1416, 261, 29915, 29879, 16886, 304, 21784, 12488, 292, 29918, 1919, 306, 25554, 287, 445, 3814, 393, 508, 1371, 738, 7303, 4459, 393, 10752, 29899, 24535, 3957, 3447, 1449, 29889, 1126, 278, 1900, 760, 29973, 887, 1016, 29915, 29873, 1584, 505, 304, 367, 297, 278, 1021, 5716, 29892, 470, 1584, 297, 278, 1021, 9443, 29892, 304, 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physics and juice cleanses. When I went to visit Guelph, this was what I was most worried about—sure, in this reality, I was strictly following a doctor-recommended diet of juiced kidney beans, artichoke leaves, warm water, and upbeat thoughts—but what if, in another reality, there is another version of me who is eating _beef she bought at a supermarket_ right this very second? Guelph could see how shaken I was when I arrived at the yurt. Would the actions of another me in another reality undo all the hard work I had done on my cleanse in this reality? But during hour 8 of our eye-gazing ceremony, she intuited to me a powerful lesson: it doesn't matter if another version of me in another reality is eating beef with hormones in it, or even considers going to Curves for 45 minutes once a week "enough exercise." It's not why I sometimes gain up to 17 ounces of water weight in the middle of the month. Rather, I should let the knowledge that another me in another reality is not taking care of herself properly _free me_ —because even though she is me, I never have to meet her. You can't put a price on the relief I felt when Guelph intuited that to me. Your final question, I'm sure, is "What if the quantum physical structure that holds each reality separate collapsed, and then you _did_ have to meet her?" Fortunately, Guelph walked me through some basic ancient philosophy on the issue that outlined the fact that, if that happens, not only do I not have to be nice to her; I don't even have to let her park in front of my house. And the same goes for each of you reading this! Our right and our bounty, as children of the universe, is to never let anyone park in front of our house. Are You Doing Yoga Wrong or Just Mostly Wrong? ©Depositphotos Yoga has experienced a surge in popularity in the U.S. over the past decade. Its myriad health and psychological benefits are great news for the 21 million U.S. adults who practice yoga, as well as the 42 million U.S. adults who own high-end yoga pants. There is, however, a bit of bad news to go with all this good news: doing yoga incorrectly can not only rob practitioners of its many benefits, but also create new problems, like back and neck pain, tendon strain, and "quaky bowels," and even make you vulnerable to health problems once considered eradicated by modern medical science, such as Fonzie's Disease. Pretty scary, right? So how can you tell if you're doing yoga right or oh-so-wrong? Take our quick quiz below! ANSWER EACH QUESTION WITH A YES OR NO. 1 _Do you ever sweat while doing yoga?_ 2 _Have you ever been confused while attempting a sequence in yoga class?_ 3 _Has your yoga teacher ever had to do a posture correction on you during class?_ 4 _Have you ever put your mat in a position that could be described as "too close" to someone else's mat?_ 5 _Do you ever need to pause for a moment within a particularly challenging sequence, and engage in gentle stretching or Child's Pose?_ 6 _Have you ever used blocks, bands, or other tools to help you achieve a pose?_ 7 _Have you gotten compliments on your shoulder stand?_ 8 _Would you describe the amount of compliments you receive on your shoulder stand as "a lot"?_ 9 _Have you ever attended a special, elite yoga class where they teach you all the yoga poses that actually work, instead of all the fake ones that they teach the plebes?_ 10 _Were you asked back for the weekend invitation-only retreat?_ 11 _Do you know Kai?_ 12 _Is he gonna make it to Kripalu this summer, you think?_ QUESTIONS 1–6: GIVE YOURSELF ONE POINT FOR EVERY YES ANSWER. 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FOR EVERY NO ANSWER. 9–12 POINTS: YOU ARE DOING YOGA WRONG. You are practicing wildly incorrect yoga that could be a physical and spiritual danger to you and your loved ones. Immediately purchase _The Glop Guide to Doing Yoga Not Wrong_. 6–8 POINTS: YOU ARE DOING YOGA WRONG. You are practicing wildly incorrect yoga that could be a physical and spiritual danger to you and your loved ones. Immediately purchase _The Glop Guide to Doing Yoga Not Wrong_. 2–5 POINTS: YOU ARE DOING YOGA WRONG. You are practicing wildly incorrect yoga that could be a physical and spiritual danger to you and your loved ones. Immediately purchase _The Glop Guide to Doing Yoga Not Wrong_. 1 POINT: YOU ARE DOING YOGA MOSTLY WRONG. You are practicing mostly incorrect yoga that could probably be a physical and spiritual danger to you and your loved ones. Immediately purchase _The Glop Guide to Doing Yoga Not Wrong_. Glop's Resident Spiritual Advisor, Guelph, on How Suffering Is Inevitable in This Life _We first met Guelph five years ago at a farmer's market, where she was selling slightly irregular vegetable spiralizers in order to raise funds to go to Esalen. Taken in by her silent wisdom, earthy knowingness, and naturally blonde dreadlocks, we demanded that she come with us instead, and she's been our trusted spiritual advisor ever since. One of these days, Guelph, we'll finally give you that money for Esalen like we promised! We'll even let you go back for that weird-smelling dog you had that we told you to leave in the farmer's market parking lot. But until then, we're content to bask in your wisdom!_ There is one thread that flows through all world religions, and it is this: suffering is inevitable. What that spiritual culture chooses to do with that knowledge varies—some run from it, some embrace it as a source of enlightenment, some use it as a premise to get you to sign up for a weekend-long retreat at some lady's house in Ojai. But all agree that no matter what prayers we offer to what gods, there is no way to not feel pain in this life. Glop is the most spiritually evolved place I have ever labored in my life. But even here, there is some confusion about what I mean when I say that suffering is unavoidable. No matter who you are or what worldly goods you have accumulated, you will hurt, in this and every life you live. But Is Suffering Really Inevitable in _My_ Life? I live my life by Guelph's wisdom. I run every single decision in my day by her, from what exfoliating masque to apply in the morning to what hydrating masque to apply at night, so I take her opinions and thoughts very seriously. So when Guelph said that acknowledgement of suffering was the cornerstone of every spiritual faith in all of history, I was totally game to give it a shot. But after two weeks, I had to admit: it just wasn't working! I tried and tried to suffer, to no avail. I even asked Guelph's advice on which hydrating face masque to use, and then used a completely different one, just to try to bring a little suffering into my life, but my skin _still_ looked totally amazing. So this time around, Guelph's lesson had a second lesson attached: suffering is inevitable...but also, if you try and find that you just can't suffer, don't beat yourself up over it! Today's social media culture can really make you feel suffer-shamed for your choice to have a wonderful, fulfilling, excruciatingly satisfying life—but we don't have to take it! We can stand up and proudly declare: "I feel amazing all the time! And I won't be quiet about it any longer!" ©iStock.com/Neustockimages * * * RECIPES * * * ©iStock.com/letterberry Cooking a clean	0.734405	-1.004831	0.094216	-0.733689	[ -0.09578919742667731, 1.5645998413770699 ]	[ -1.1265941914926998, -0.883068704434578 ]	[ -0.18603878175969413, 0.3744704848502294 ]	[ -0.8749757905819092, -0.5924019451929396 ]	1,024	[ 512, 512 ]	[ 15842, 382, 5348, 29979, 11698, 319, 3059, 29956, 1001, 29889, 13, 13, 29929, 29994, 29896, 29906, 349, 6992, 9375, 29901, 259, 13, 29979, 27269, 319, 1525, 11662, 4214, 612, 29949, 12739, 399, 29934, 20614, 29889, 13, 13, 3492, 526, 4120, 18499, 8775, 368, 10240, 343, 14895, 393, 1033, 367, 263, 9128, 322, 20954, 9703, 304, 366, 322, 596, 18012, 6743, 29889, 1954, 4210, 2486, 20590, 903, 1576, 402, 4757, 16886, 304, 1938, 292, 612, 14895, 2216, 399, 29373, 5396, 13, 13, 29953, 29994, 29947, 349, 6992, 9375, 29901, 259, 13, 29979, 27269, 319, 1525, 11662, 4214, 612, 29949, 12739, 399, 29934, 20614, 29889, 13, 13, 3492, 526, 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, delicious, nourishing meal for my family is always the 43rd best part of my day (47th if you catch me during truffle season or the World Economic Forum meeting in Davos). It helps me remember what truly matters in life—not the movies, or the TV shows, or the perfume ads, or the jewelry ads, or the purse ads, or the house in L.A., or the house in New York, or the house in London, or the other house in London, or the _other_ house in London, or the secret pied à terre in Majorca, or the secret bank account in Kiev, or the awards, or the critical acclaim, or my still-new but extremely promising DJ career, or that time in 1999 when then-president Bill Clinton declared that all of that year's Oscar winners could spend 10 unsupervised minutes inside Area 51. No, what truly matters is family. And the best way to honor that is to gather everyone around the table at dinnertime for an old-fashioned family meal. No matter what's going on with my schedule, if I'm in the same city, I make sure to make it home for dinner. Food creates feelings of connection, love, passion, and comfort. It also keeps you from passing out sometimes. It's a multi-faceted wonder product, and I am so proud to finally be able to share it with you. _Appetizer:_ "Fish" "Tacos" ©iStock.com/myibean Fish tacos are a favorite summer treat. But it's hard to feel good about eating them when you know not only how polluted our oceans and waterways are, but how many of our fish turn to hard drug use to cope. Experts who are me estimate that up to 80 percent of wild-caught salmon are tweaked out of their minds on crystal meth when caught. It's more than sad—it can impact your family's health. That's why I developed this fresh, healthy update that utilizes plankton, Nature's oft-forgotten food group. Studies that I conducted in my pool house have shown that since plankton are generally microscopic, their hands are too small to hold drugs, let alone ingest them, making them that rare thing: sober creatures of the sea. And the fact that they're low in fat and high in protein doesn't hurt! YOU'LL NEED: ½ pound plankton 1 cup kale leaves, de-ribbed lemon zest DIRECTIONS: Arrange kale in loose "cup" formation. Add 1 tablespoon of plankton to center of kale "cup." Garnish with lemon zest. Tell your children that the only way they're ever going to see their pet bunny again is if they eat every last one of these "tacos." Olé! * * * BONUS: How to Boil Water As I'm sure you've noticed, many recipes these days call for boiled water. But imagine my surprise when an assistant recently explained to me, as I prepped her for her thrice-daily farmer's market run, that boiled water is not a specific product, but rather a state of matter! Of course, there's no reason it can't be both—my first pop-up boiled water boutique will open on the Santa Monica Promenade in May, and we'll be offering mail order, as well! But if you just can't wait until then to give boiled water a try, here's my favorite recipe. YOU'LL NEED: 2 cups water, bottler of your choice 1 Le Creuset Signature cast-iron dutch oven in Coral, Flame, or Anchor Grey 1 Viking Professional 48-inch pro-style gas range with dual ovens DIRECTIONS: Place water in dutch oven. Place dutch oven on a burner on the range. Press the button that ignites the burner you have placed the dutch oven upon. Wait until water appears sufficiently bubbly. Salt to taste Serves 3–4 * * * **_Meat:_ Roasted Chicken with Thrushed Nerfh	1.071517	0.159525	0.251463	-0.835305	[ 1.3673665796012484, 0.7756667942737839 ]	[ -0.08713430004240806, 0.40618387410841944 ]	[ -0.19111126381046267, 0.6940368540486472 ]	[ -0.8996888081303116, -0.7709209798517939 ]	1,024	[ 512, 512 ]	[ 29892, 628, 14803, 29892, 302, 473, 14424, 592, 284, 363, 590, 3942, 338, 2337, 278, 29871, 29946, 29941, 5499, 1900, 760, 310, 590, 2462, 313, 29946, 29955, 386, 565, 366, 4380, 592, 2645, 534, 21897, 4259, 470, 278, 2787, 12884, 293, 29474, 11781, 297, 3589, 359, 467, 13, 13, 3112, 6911, 592, 6456, 825, 19781, 13750, 297, 2834, 30003, 1333, 278, 2351, 583, 29892, 470, 278, 5648, 3697, 29892, 470, 278, 23895, 2017, 594, 29879, 29892, 470, 278, 432, 809, 295, 719, 594, 29879, 29892, 470, 278, 3708, 344, 594, 29879, 29892, 470, 278, 3699, 297, 365, 29889, 29909, 1696, 470, 278, 3699, 297, 1570, 3088, 29892, 470, 278, 3699, 297, 4517, 29892, 470, 278, 916, 3699, 297, 4517, 29892, 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erders, Two Ways ©iStock.com/Liv Friis-Larsen I was on a press tour stop in Tokyo when I got back to my hotel at midnight and realized that I had forgotten to eat dinner. Where was I going to find something good to snack on? After a long day of walking the red carpet and chatting with journalists about my career as a triple threat (actress/singer/gourd whisperer), I was so exhausted, I was pretty ready to resign myself to finding something to eat in the hotel bar's carpeting and call it a night. But I forced myself to get up and walk around until I found something nutritious that I wouldn't regret in the morning. Luckily, after a little bit of wandering, I stumbled upon a tiny, out of the way Michelin-starred restaurant. They were about to close up, but took pity on me (I must have looked quite a sight!) and roasted up a chicken more delicious than any I have ever tasted. But when I asked if they had thrushed nerfherders as a side dish, they looked at me like I was crazy—one of the small differences that separate two cultures that are actually quite similar. But I soon discovered that my luck had not yet run out—I had a baggie of thrushed nerfherders that I had completely forgotten about in my purse the whole time. I was alone in the middle of country I didn't know, but as I sank my fork into that meal, I felt like I was almost home. This recipe was created in tribute to that magical night. It can be served solo, or on a gluten-free bun (if you serve it on a bun containing gluten, the entire meal will explode within seconds like a dirty bomb). YOU'LL NEED: 1 roasting chicken 1 lemon, halved 3 cloves garlic, peeled and chopped 2 tablespoons extra virgin olive oil 1 teaspoon kosher salt 1 teaspoon ground pepper 1 bunch of nerfherders, freshly thrushed 1 sprig parsley DIRECTIONS: Preheat oven to 450 degrees. Call in your maid, Lana, and tell her, "I've got someplace to be, can you take care of this?" Then tell her, "Oh, and could you remember to make it two ways?" Do something for 80 minutes. Be served to with sprig of parsley for garnish. Enjoy! _Vegetable:_ Easy, Filling Asparagus-Quinoa-Sriracha-Vellum-Bee Clavicle-Bone Fragments from the Reliquary of Saint Abban of Magheranoidhe Smoothie** ©iStock.com/Metkalova A while back, after months of intense overwork, I entered a period in which I felt so exhausted that I completely neglected myself—I ignored my diet, fell behind on my fitness goals, and accidentally stepped in a pile of pasta that someone had dumped on the sidewalk. I knew that I was on the road to health ruin, and that there would be big consequences for my misbehavior—so I was terrified, but not all that shocked, when I awoke one morning believing I had gone blind. After bringing in my nutritionist, my acupuncturist, my homeopathologist, my forensic pathologist, my yard guy, and my dog's homeopathologist (he was already over for brunch) in for a long and grueling consultation, we came to the conclusion that I had not gone blind, but simply had forgotten to take off my sleep mask (House of Thibedeau, price available upon request). But still, it was just the wake-up call about looking after my health that I needed. Now, I make sure to always take time for myself and my health—and whenever I feel things getting too out of whack, I make sure to start blending up these smoothies, which combine the rich flavor of asparagus, the filling bulk of vellum, the protein-filled one-two power-punch of quinoa and bee chest bones, and the vitamin-dense (and delish!)	1.022208	-0.666403	-0.283684	-1.249573	[ 1.2577925452813477, 0.7866241977057741 ]	[ -0.4461553305950066, -0.8866499615971974 ]	[ -0.25958977149583795, -0.30777835097813905 ]	[ -1.2755868118928533, -1.2235594065277957 ]	1,024	[ 512, 512 ]	[ 2018, 414, 29892, 7803, 399, 1036, 1068, 13, 13, 30211, 29875, 20754, 384, 29889, 510, 29914, 29931, 440, 11169, 275, 29899, 29931, 1503, 264, 13, 13, 29902, 471, 373, 263, 3965, 6282, 5040, 297, 20377, 746, 306, 2355, 1250, 304, 590, 16730, 472, 7145, 11147, 322, 16387, 393, 306, 750, 20898, 304, 17545, 17803, 29889, 6804, 471, 306, 2675, 304, 1284, 1554, 1781, 304, 5807, 547, 373, 29973, 2860, 263, 1472, 2462, 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bone fragments from the reliquary of Saint Abban of Magheranoidhe, the high-fiber apostle of Wexford. I add or hold off on the sriracha, depending on my mood (and how spicy I'm feeling that day!). YOU'LL NEED: ¼ cup quinoa 1 cup asparagus, chopped 2 cups water 1 cup vellum 1 tablespoon bee clavicle 1 teaspoon bone fragments from the reliquary of Saint Abban of Magheranoidhe 1 teaspoon sriracha DIRECTIONS: Combine ingredients in blender. Blend on high. Serve immediately. _Dessert:_ "Vanilla" "Ice Cream" made with Rock Milk and Nut Gel ©Depositphotos Several years ago, my spiritual advisor and holistic bikini waxer Catalina von Trout diagnosed my children, Palladium Hardware and Corthelia, with severe allergic sensitivities to everything except turmeric, free-range chicken, raw organic vegetables, and private school. I was distraught—I wanted my children to not feel different, to enjoy all the classic pleasures of childhood that their friends got to experience—without endangering their health _or_ my extremely profitable lifestyle brand. Luckily, Catalina told me about this amazing recipe. The rock milk really brings out the vanilla undertones in the nut gel, making this treat one of my kids' absolute favorites. If you'd never had the real thing, you'd never know it wasn't the real thing! YOU'LL NEED: 1 cup shelled pistachios 1 cup unsalted almonds 1 cup de-salted cashews 10–12 really solid, good-looking rocks 1½ cups chia seeds 1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract 1 teaspoon manuka honey (if you don't care about your children, feel free to use regular honey) DIRECTIONS: In a large bowl, add your rocks and 3½ cups water. Cover and let sit for 5 days. In separate containers, soak each set of nuts in 2 cups of water for up to 2 days. At the end of 2 days, drain each nut group. Soak your chia seeds in 3 cups of water for a half hour, then add ½ cup of chia to each of your nut batches (chia is a thickening agent). Blend each nut-and-chia batch in your food processor to a fine, frothy consistency, then place in the fridge to "set" for 3 to 4 hours. Drain and blend your rocks—I've done them in both a conventional blender and food processor, and I find that a blender gives them a richer, more decadent texture. Combine your nut gels with your rock milk in an extremely large bowl and whisk insouciantly. Add vanilla extract and honey, whisk again, then cover and place in fridge for 5 to 6 hours. Then let the kiddos come & get it! * * * ENTERTAINING * * * ©Depositphotos What's more enriching, more enchanting, more soul-enlivening and spirit-connecting than the act of entertaining friends and family? Fucked if I know. How to Find Locally Sourced, Sustainable Karaoke ©Depositphotos Karaoke is such fun for everyone! I don't know a single person who doesn't enjoy having the opportunity to cue up their favorite song and show how much better it could have been if they had been the one to sing it. But going to a soulless, commercial karaoke club replete with pre-recorded music, tacky furniture, a cramped shared stage, and staff who have been destroyed spiritually by years of watching people sing "Semi-Charmed Life" in the wrong key can really dampen the party spirit. That's why I like to forage for my karaoke—it's more sustainable	0.494883	-0.607088	-0.179698	-1.219657	[ 0.7263584788298286, 0.26340818382824766 ]	[ -0.18069464341584085, -1.0334815052645943 ]	[ -0.21900991508968962, -0.14038644330277728 ]	[ -0.8879826419231736, -1.551332060327659 ]	1,024	[ 512, 512 ]	[ 289, 650, 22370, 515, 278, 12536, 339, 653, 310, 4107, 13896, 273, 310, 3561, 2276, 1562, 333, 354, 29892, 278, 1880, 29899, 7241, 495, 18115, 280, 310, 399, 735, 4006, 29889, 306, 788, 470, 4808, 1283, 373, 278, 269, 374, 336, 5815, 29892, 8679, 373, 590, 286, 2092, 313, 392, 920, 805, 4245, 306, 29915, 29885, 11223, 393, 2462, 29991, 467, 13, 13, 29979, 27269, 29915, 2208, 14693, 3352, 29901, 13, 13, 30515, 18002, 439, 1789, 29874, 13, 13, 29896, 18002, 408, 862, 351, 375, 29892, 3060, 2986, 13, 13, 29906, 2723, 567, 4094, 13, 13, 29896, 18002, 325, 514, 398, 13, 13, 29896, 6131, 1129, 265, 367, 29872, 3711, 29894, 2512, 13, 13, 29896, 734, 294, 1129, 265, 289, 650, 22370, 515, 278, 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than corporate karaoke, and doesn't make such a deep mark on our ecosphere (traditional karaoke wastes fossil fuels burned for energy, packaging thrown away in the preparation of drinks and snacks, and carbon dioxide exhaled while trying to explain to a stranger that Third Eye Blind's Stephan Jenkins "works in the ancient warrior-poet tradition"). But sourcing more socially and environmentally responsible karaoke can be tricky if you don't know exactly what you're looking for. Here's how I find the freshest karaoke available. Head to a heavy foot traffic area of your city where "busking" street musicians gather (in some cities, public transit centers also work brilliantly for this purpose). Select the freshest busker available. (To see if your busker is near their sell-by date, examine the stickers on their guitar case. A busker with an Ed Sheeran sticker is probably ripe or just about there, while a busker with a Blues Traveler sticker is best left on the shelf for eventual composting.) Once you have selected your busker, approach and begin singing along with them. If they're playing the wrong song, simply begin singing your song over them, loudly, until their system reboots and they catch up. Make sure all your party guests get a turn—no one likes a karaoke hog. When you're done, thank your busker for a job well done and be on your way, awash in the good feeling that comes from making the conscious choice. (Don't worry about tipping—this wasn't business, this was about the muse bringing two would-be strangers together through the universal language of song! It's exactly what makes sustainable karaoke so satisfying.) Tips for Throwing a Party That Screams, " _I Have Two Black Friends!_ " ©iStock.com/monkeybusinessimages From time to time, we all want to host a gathering that highlights the diversity of our friend group. Maybe it's because you want your two black friends to finally meet, because you really think they'd hit it off. Maybe it's because a reporter who is writing a profile about you asked some weird questions earlier in the day about "privilege" and "white privilege" and "it's a set of social privileges that exclusively benefit and protect white people," and you're just trying to get them to focus on your new line of children's cellulite cream. Maybe you had an accidentally racist Halloween costume you need to apologize for, and you just want to invite some paparazzi to stand around in your bushes for the night so that you can get ahead of the story. Or maybe you don't have a reason at all; you just really, really want everyone to know your two black friends. It doesn't matter why you're partying—the party tips below will easily remind all your guests that you _don't see color_ , and that is why at least two black people consider you a bosom chum (if you need to convey that you have more than two black friends, see chapter 4 in our exclusive ebook, "The Glop Guide to Telling Someone How Much You Love Their Rich, Joyful Culture"). Make sure to frequently say, "My friend Shawn—oh, sorry, you probably know him as 'Jay Z.' But he's just good ol' Shawn around here!" It's OK if Shawn Carter is not actually your friend; as of this printing, there's no reliable way for your guests to check. Prominently place any photos you have of yourself with your black friends around the party area, even if you haven't really hung out with them since filming for _Se7en_ wrapped. Talk about your intense love of hip-hop, and how this is one of the many ways that you bond with your black friends. When it seems like you've talked about it for too long, talk about it for three more minutes, then quote a lyric to a rap song. Make sure that it involves one or more of the following words and phrases, to show how serious you are about your appreciation: "fuck," "shit," "bitch," or "face fucked you in your kitchenette." Make sure your two black friends are at the party and enjoying themselves, of course! 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close—feel free to tell them "everyone from work will be there" or "I was wondering if you could come by my house tonight to discuss our business deal, a bunch of people will be there but you can ignore them, my spouse is just having some dumb work party" if you think that will help them feel more relaxed. If you are only casual friends with one or zero black people, feel free to put out feelers within your local theatrical community for people who are willing to make non-SAG-scale pay in exchange for access to unlimited appetizers and a gift bag with bowel-detoxing tea samples in it. It's a win-win situation for everyone involved! How to Let Leonardo DiCaprio Know That Your Carbon Footprint Is Smaller Than His ©iStock.com/outcast85 Parties are a response to one of our most basic human needs—the need to gather together and feel the kinship of our fellow humans. But sometimes, parties also serve additional human needs—like our human need to combine food resources, our need to find new mates, or our need to prove to another human that you don't get to be the best at acting _and_ the best at the environment, because that would be really unfair. In fact, paleo-therapists believe that up to 20 percent of early man's social interactions were centered around explaining how another, different early man that everyone thought was so great was, in fact, not that great (and actually wasted an unconscionable amount of musk ox meat while village elders were not looking). So, our urges to engage in this kind of activity are more than healthy—they're natural. With that in mind, here are some tips for engaging this extremely natural urge the next time that you're, I don't know, seated at a Golden Globes table where everyone won't shut up about how Leo rescued that bear from _The Revenant_ and paid for its kids to go to college or whatever. Note that while Leo has received much acclaim for his environmental activism, his frequent international travel, by boat and plane, releases an alarming amount of CO2 into the atmosphere—an amount of CO2 that those of us who are not honored for our environmental activism never have to emit! Talk about the hidden factors that influence our carbon footprint. Like the materials used to make, say, a fancy bike that someone uses to get around in an environmentally sound way. Do you think tree-elves made that titanium? Nope, it came from an earth-ruining factory! Fun fact: Saying this in front of more than two members of the press officially makes you a whistleblower. Bring up some talking points you've prepared about carbon credits—how much do they really offset? And when someone brings 30 models onto their yacht, do we feel like they're actually buying adequate carbon credits for all of them? Is anyone looking into this? Because the lazy man who answered the phone at TMZ did not seem to understand what a great story this was! Assemble a note written with letters cut out from a magazine that says, "I know how much water you use in your landscaping system." Very casually drop it behind Leo at a party, then loudly say, "Oh, did you drop this?" and, after inhaling through the nose and exhaling through the mouth, read it aloud in a strong, clear voice. Call him every night at 3 a.m. and hang up. He'll claim to not know what it was about, but trust me, he gets the message. G's Favorite Party Games ©Depositphotos Every gathering eventually hits the dreaded mid-party lull: everyone has introduced themselves to each other already, the canapés have all been passed out, the Balinese erotic shadow puppeteers have gone home, and everyone is at a bit of a loss about what to do with themselves. That's why I always like to have some pre-planned party games handy! The 3 below are my absolute go-tos—they've rescued more parties than I can count (and once seriously saved my behind after Harvey Weinstein had an allergic reaction to my ceviche). 1 Smooth-lebrity In the traditional party favorite "Celebrity," players write down the names of celebrities, drop them in a hat, pick one out	0.505841	-0.212031	-0.284001	-0.937084	[ 0.5784335324979625, 0.4332479370240939 ]	[ -0.3870645874117859, -0.036996699765735934 ]	[ -0.39718084712293455, -0.17082133560738852 ]	[ -0.7494596751387075, -1.124707336334186 ]	1,024	[ 512, 512 ]	[ 3802, 30003, 1725, 295, 3889, 304, 2649, 963, 376, 17991, 650, 515, 664, 674, 367, 727, 29908, 470, 376, 29902, 471, 9873, 565, 366, 1033, 2041, 491, 590, 3699, 15243, 523, 304, 5353, 1749, 5381, 5376, 29892, 263, 14928, 310, 2305, 674, 367, 727, 541, 366, 508, 11455, 963, 29892, 590, 805, 1709, 338, 925, 2534, 777, 270, 3774, 664, 6263, 29908, 565, 366, 1348, 393, 674, 1371, 963, 4459, 901, 26681, 287, 29889, 960, 366, 526, 871, 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at random, and then try to have other players guess which name they have picked—without using the actual name of the celebrity in question. I tried this at a few of my early parties, only to realize, to my total embarrassment, that many of the celebs named in the game were actually attendees. This made game play fairly unengaging. So, as a funky update, I now have all of my guests write down the name of a favorite healing smoothie on a slip of paper, and place them all in a hat. Players then have to select a slip at random, and have other guests name the smoothie _without_ mentioning any ingredients; only by dramatizing its various restorative properties. It's great fun, especially around the holidays! 2 Never Have I Ever Milked We all played this one during college/the wrap party for _Hook_ , right? You list an act you've never engaged in, and everyone who has engaged in said activity takes a sip from their drink, and giggling ensues. I helped this ultimate girls' night game grow up a little by adding a new wrinkle—now we don't list things we've never done, but only things we have never milked. While this may sound limiting, it is actually shockingly flexible; we've gotten everything from "hemp seeds" to "the public's goodwill in the wake of a national tragedy that I was marginally connected to." 3 Scattergories Remember this old favorite? In the fresh new twist I've cooked up, it's no longer about competing to think up new names for objects; it's about competing to see who can drive a Tesla into the ocean the fastest. This one never gets old! ©Depositphotos * * * BEAUTY * * * ©Depositphotos Can beauty be bought? Or is the true nature of beauty that it is part of the essence of human existence, and can only come into existence as part of a life well lived? Is beauty a quality that cannot be captured in a jar, distilled by French people in lab coats, or injected into your naso-labial folds in what you were told would be a 5-minute outpatient procedure but it turns out that the swelling is not going to go down for quite a while? We all need to make our own decision about what beauty truly means to us, so it's not my place to tell you. It's simply my place to present you with an array of products that, if beauty does turn out to be something that can be bought, might be useful to you. _The Biggest Beauty Secret of All:_ Confidence (Also, Lasers) When I was 22 and the third-billed star in several extremely successful action-dramedies, I was convinced that while my career was only going uphill, it was all downhill from there when it came to beauty. But as I got older, I realized that I could not have been more wrong. I mean, sure, OK, back then, my skin was always soft, even though I never remembered to use moisturizer; my hair was naturally thick and shiny; and I always woke up looking like I was ready to attend a cocktail reception for the Hollywood Foreign Press Association, even if I had stayed up until 5 a.m. the night before hanging around an off-track betting parlor with the touring percussion section from No Doubt. But despite my soft skin and pillowy lips, I felt insecure, fearful of the world around me, and anxious about losing the attention of Shane the vibraphone player—in short, my life was the very antithesis of real beauty, which stems from confidence and a sense of purpose. For most of us, those qualities only come with age, making time the ultimate beauty product. Ever since I gave birth to my children, Pizza Margherita and Chabad, I have felt like a different human being from that silly, meek little girl—I am truly confident now, for the first time. It's confidence that shines out of every pore—the secret inner source of my outer beauty. When you see me model for a perfume ad or pose for candid shots at a party celebrating the launch of a new organic airline, what you're really seeing is my confidence. And it's that	1.372845	-0.504127	-0.088394	-0.914037	[ 0.8304538114337344, 1.9152367512007527 ]	[ -0.22904161511120325, -0.7792122467186143 ]	[ -0.2139374330389211, 0.03715042847412156 ]	[ -1.2339648876008071, -0.5941090944314806 ]	1,024	[ 512, 512 ]	[ 472, 4036, 29892, 322, 769, 1018, 304, 505, 916, 10769, 4140, 607, 1024, 896, 505, 18691, 30003, 14037, 773, 278, 3935, 1024, 310, 278, 10894, 537, 297, 1139, 29889, 306, 1898, 445, 472, 263, 2846, 310, 590, 4688, 13973, 29892, 871, 304, 16289, 29892, 304, 590, 3001, 21620, 26771, 358, 29892, 393, 1784, 310, 278, 7793, 5824, 4257, 297, 278, 3748, 892, 2869, 472, 841, 311, 267, 29889, 910, 1754, 3748, 1708, 12558, 443, 996, 6751, 29889, 1105, 29892, 408, 263, 2090, 3459, 2767, 29892, 306, 1286, 505, 599, 310, 590, 28865, 2436, 1623, 278, 1024, 310, 263, 25448, 540, 12818, 10597, 347, 373, 263, 269, 3466, 310, 5650, 29892, 322, 2058, 963, 599, 297, 263, 3056, 29889, 7412, 414, 769, 505, 304, 1831, 263, 269, 3466, 472, 4036, 29892, 322, 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very confidence that allowed me to pay my bimonthly visit to a beloved mentor of mine—Dr. Marcus "Bugsy" Helms, a truly evolved and spiritually attuned Beverly Hills dermatologist. In the years since we first met at the _Vanity Fair_ Oscar party, the incredibly wise Good Doctor has given me many new prisms with which to view and focus my self-confidence. Sometimes those prisms come in the form of ancient philosophical riddles meant to enlarge the spirit and enrich the mind. Sometimes, those prisms are tucked inside a machine shooting a fractional resurfacing laser, a light beam which is shot at your face to stimulate collagen production. In each case, the prisms both expand the consciousness and shrink the pores. Now that I am finally comfortable in my own (literal and metaphorical) skin, I understand that as long as confidence is what we use when selecting our particular "beauty" products, _any choice is just as good as the others_. In fact, one of the most important lessons Dr. Helms taught me is that if you want to be beautiful, it doesn't matter _which_ prism you use; use the one that makes you feel confident, and everyone will recognize the beauty emanating from inside you. For you, the right prism to focus your self-confidence might be the joy in your child's smile; for me, it's a series of regular medical procedures that gently burn off the top layers of my skin. But when we're true to our confidence, confident in ourselves, and secure in our power, we're all so beautiful that we each deserve our own perfume ads. I mean, not actual perfume ads. But perfume ads of the mind! We can all be the queens of our mind-perfume, if we only trust ourselves. Wait, did that make any sense? I got this intense new laser facial this morning and they told me not to drive afterwards, but I did, and I put my key in the ignition and then when I looked up, I was just here, finishing this chapter. _G's Personal Stash:_ Use Crystals to Distract Yourself from the So-Called "Realities" of Aging ©Depositphotos Some people say that the march of time is inevitable, and no matter how much surgery we get or how many expensive cosmetics we buy, we're simply delaying the inevitable. I say that they have never embraced the magical healing power of buying a crystal to distract yourself every single time you feel depressed about anything, especially the quote-unquote "fact" that people who take flaxseed oil supplements still supposedly have to eventually die, just like people who have never even bothered to take flaxseed oil supplements. Each crystal has a different profile and offers different benefits for health and spirit, so make sure to shop around to find the types that best suit you—I love kyanite, personally. But no matter what you settle on, always remember one thing: no one can force you to deal with real life, and if you spend enough time saying you have to go cleanse your crystals in the light of the full moon, no one will even try. G's Guide to the Right Crystals for the Right Occasion CRYSTAL \| HELPS YOU ---\|--- Jade \| Eliminate feelings of guilt (even if they are well-deserved!) Quartz \| Hold elected office (only in Massachusetts, Ohio, Arizona, and on the Big Island of Hawaii) Dendritic Agate \| Be allowed back into the farmer's market even though the manager said it was a "lifetime ban" Garnet \| Pass your real estate license exam by the 3rd try Quartz \| Never use the wrong "it's/its" Aquamarine \| Stop talking about your collection of Dave Matthews Band bootlegs at parties where you know it will be poorly received, but you just can't help yourself Kyanite \| Develop powerful & intimidating hair Hematite \| Gain your children's respect (only in Massachusetts, Ohio, Arizona, and on the Big Island of Hawaii) How to Purchase Healthy, Nontoxic Makeup _(from Glop)_ ©Depositphotos Like a lot	1.619387	-0.405447	-0.042741	-0.586874	[ 2.4192773090722963, 0.8194964080017443 ]	[ -0.5625461883801384, -0.24834682950344866 ]	[ -0.04147304331279079, -0.04400928433817505 ]	[ -0.23764007485995256, -0.9361079918858519 ]	1,024	[ 512, 512 ]	[ 1407, 16420, 393, 6068, 592, 304, 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of young women, I always enjoyed playing with makeup. But when I got a little older and became more invested in taking care of myself, I was shocked to find out the array of harsh, illness-causing chemicals packed into even the tiniest smudge of drugstore blush. I was horrified! But as an actress/entrepreneur/spokesmodel for the National Millet Association, getting all dolled up is in my job description. I didn't know what to do, so I did what I always do when I get scared: I decided to do my own research on the thing that scares me. And after a decade of doing round-the-clock research into makeup health and safety, I was absolutely shocked to find that the only makeup on the market that is absolutely guaranteed to not make you develop brain tumors, lead to a mysterious health ailment called "exploding face," or cause you to grow a third, fourth, and fifth elbow, is makeup manufactured by me. I know! I was shocked, too. But it makes sense—my exclusive line of Glop brand makeup and skincare products is the sole makeup company that only uses 100% organic and non-allergenic compounds in their product, constantly monitors recipes to keep formulation up to standard, and sends all products through at least three sessions of Gestalt therapy with a certified practitioner. And no matter what you've read on some other, less credible blogs, our 100% stay-put eyeliner is not made of an unstable compound that we found on a crash-landed asteroid that seemed really healthy and natural at first, but eventually made our beauty assistant Claire's eyelids start talking and by then it was too late to recall it from stores. I mean, that would be crazy! Crazy! I've seen Glop brand makeup change so many lives, and I am so happy and proud to help it change yours. * * * When Should I Throw Out My Glop Brand Makeup? Few issues contribute more to consumer confusion than the question of when one should toss out makeup. That's why Glop decided to make it easy for you—since our makeup is made from unprocessed natural ingredients like dandelion sharts and gourd taints, it stays fresh for about two weeks, and then begins to wilt and attract gnats. For this reason, we recommend a gentle purging of your Glop beauty products each fortnight, followed by a purchase of all-new Glop beauty products. As for your other products, don't worry—the loyalty oath that you agreed to at the bottom of our web checkout page authorized us to incinerate all of your other beauty products, and we have! * * * 3 Amazing Skin Products You Should Have Started Using 10 Years Ago and Now It's Way Too Late for Them to Make Any Kind of Difference ©iStock.com/Wavebreakmedia When it comes to anti-aging products, it's all in the timing—as any dermatologist will tell you, it's much easier to prevent wrinkles from forming in the first place, rather than attempting to smooth them out after the fact. The three products below have been my go-tos since my early 20s, and have made all the difference in my complexion, allowing me to forgo scary stuff like Botox while still keeping a supple, youthful glow. It's a real shame that you didn't find out about them in time. Ah, well! 1 La Bandeau Printemps Moonscreen 65 Long gone are the days when we'd frolic on the beach sans SPF (or, god help us, covered in tanning oil and with a sun reflector). But while you may feel confident in your sunscreens, did you know that our delicate skin also needs protection from the moon's brutal rays? Yes, the moon is more than just a so-called "planet" that our government has faked a landing on. It also emits harsh rays that can harm skin elasticity. And that's not the end of it—over the past decade, prominent dermatoloticians have discovered that even a moderate level of moon ray exposure is the #1 cause of that moment where you're washing your face and you think you see a burg	1.082474	0.061488	0.227369	-0.554438	[ 1.2194416332693823, 0.9455065474696303 ]	[ 0.14833335839981993, -0.025357613987222766 ]	[ 0.5520073566271282, -0.09727034587124471 ]	[ -0.4659103158991431, -0.6429660797821051 ]	1,024	[ 512, 512 ]	[ 310, 4123, 5866, 29892, 306, 2337, 27849, 8743, 411, 1207, 786, 29889, 1205, 746, 306, 2355, 263, 2217, 9642, 322, 3897, 901, 2437, 2868, 297, 5622, 2562, 310, 6142, 29892, 306, 471, 19253, 287, 304, 1284, 714, 278, 1409, 310, 4023, 845, 29892, 4486, 2264, 29899, 1113, 4746, 22233, 29879, 4870, 287, 964, 1584, 278, 260, 2172, 342, 1560, 566, 479, 310, 15721, 8899, 1999, 1878, 29889, 306, 471, 4029, 29878, 2164, 29991, 1205, 408, 385, 20993, 29914, 14056, 558, 1600, 332, 29914, 1028, 23195, 4299, 363, 278, 3086, 3833, 1026, 7993, 29892, 2805, 599, 8828, 839, 701, 338, 297, 590, 4982, 6139, 29889, 306, 3282, 29915, 29873, 1073, 825, 304, 437, 29892, 577, 306, 1258, 825, 306, 2337, 437, 746, 306, 679, 885, 1965, 29901, 306, 8459, 304, 437, 590, 1914, 5925, 373, 278, 2655, 393, 885, 5114, 592, 29889, 13, 13, 2855, 1156, 263, 316, 6332, 310, 2599, 4513, 29899, 1552, 29899, 13058, 5925, 964, 1207, 786, 9045, 322, 15332, 29892, 306, 471, 13312, 19253, 287, 304, 1284, 393, 278, 871, 1207, 786, 373, 278, 9999, 393, 338, 13312, 22688, 304, 451, 1207, 366, 2693, 17294, 21622, 943, 29892, 3275, 304, 263, 22277, 2738, 9045, 263, 309, 358, 2000, 376, 24516, 3689, 3700, 1699, 470, 4556, 366, 304, 6548, 263, 4654, 29892, 11582, 29892, 322, 18615, 560, 17729, 29892, 338, 1207, 786, 12012, 2955, 491, 592, 29889, 306, 1073, 29991, 306, 471, 19253, 287, 29892, 2086, 29889, 1205, 372, 3732, 4060, 30003, 1357, 29192, 1196, 310, 402, 4757, 14982, 1207, 786, 322, 2071, 3742, 598, 9316, 338, 278, 14419, 1207, 786, 5001, 393, 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739, 884, 953, 1169, 4023, 845, 15570, 29879, 393, 508, 10311, 19309, 560, 6288, 537, 29889, 1126, 393, 29915, 29879, 451, 278, 1095, 310, 372, 30003, 957, 278, 4940, 316, 6332, 29892, 19555, 589, 2922, 324, 327, 14722, 505, 10943, 393, 1584, 263, 17768, 403, 3233, 310, 18786, 15570, 14060, 545, 338, 278, 396, 29896, 4556, 310, 393, 3256, 988, 366, 29915, 276, 471, 2790, 596, 3700, 322, 366, 1348, 366, 1074, 263, 26072 ]	1,332,121	50,176	Book	-1	-1
lar out of the corner of your eye, but it's just a towel. Chilling! Luckily, an early European co-star of mine turned me on to this French anti-moon cream, which totally shields your delicate epidermis, so I don't have to deal with any of that. Phew! ©Depositphotos ©Depositphotos 2 Principessa Laboratories Applied Skin Science Facial Program Only available at the ultra-exclusive spa located inside the Naval Radiological Defense Laboratory, this hyper-futuristic facial (which uses a proprietary blend of saffron and lavender extract, scallop essence, sea curd, and something called "God particles") actually makes your skin unable to hold a line—it just smoothes out, like a gorgeous cashmere throw. This facial costs $120,000, and in order for it to work, you had to start doing it biannually beginning in 1995, no matter what age you specifically were in 1995. * * * BONUS: What to Do if It's Too Late for You to Use These Products If you've missed the window to use these products, don't fret—all hope is not lost! Follow our three-step plan below: 1. Begin with some gentle stretching, to warm up the lymphatic system. 2. Brew a rich cup of nettle tea. 3. Sit down in a chair and, with feet planted hip width apart, write a strongly worded letter to your parents, chastising them for not loving you enough to teach you about this essential preventative medicine (feel free to include any other issues you've been thinking about bringing up with them, too!). * * * ©iStock.com/Goxi 3 C-500 Standing Meat Freezer We've all heard the big recent news about cryotherapy, a trend that shocks the skin into resiliency through brief exposure to subzero temperatures. But many of us have been working with these principles for decades, by treating our skin to a restaurant-quality deep freeze each night as we doze. Regular use leaves you with taut, youthful skin all over your body and an unmistakable rosy glow—but only if you already had taut, youthful skin when you begin using it. I can't recommend the C-500 enough—especially newer models, which have emergency release latches located _inside_ the freezer (those would have helped prevent a _lot_ of late set arrivals back in the '90s, let me tell you). How to Smell like Glop ©Depositphotos People often write to us to ask, "G, what do you smell like?" Those people are all on a watchlist now. But just because I've hired teenaged Ukrainian hackers to monitor your e-mail doesn't mean that you don't occasionally have a good point. I have a striking, citrus-farmer-meets-British-aristocracy aroma that evokes fluffy Egyptian cotton towels piled high in a bathroom that doesn't actually have a toilet—and I do think it has played a large role in some of my personal and professional successes. Many people assume that this is my natural scent, which is reasonable; but like everything else about me, my scent is not the result of dumb luck, or good genes, or being in the right place at the right time to "borrow" the right script off the right coffee table while the right friend was using the bathroom—it's the result of a very disciplined daily scent routine, which I am sharing here for the first time. A gorgeous scent doesn't have to be expensive—my selections below are well within any budget, as long as you're willing to put in some elbow grease. ©Depositphotos 2 OZ. BERGAMOT check local market prices A lot of people buy bergamot essential oil instead of juicing the real thing, which is understandable but also personally nauseating to me. Instead, I buy a new 10 lb bag from	1.09891	-0.056834	-0.433164	-0.684588	[ 0.6770501633858733, 1.5207702276491095 ]	[ 0.14117084407458105, -0.25483785811069637 ]	[ -0.6003971592818491, -0.2659303740592986 ]	[ -0.7299493981268109, -0.6392266100214915 ]	1,024	[ 512, 512 ]	[ 4675, 714, 310, 278, 11155, 310, 596, 10977, 29892, 541, 372, 29915, 29879, 925, 263, 304, 20466, 29889, 678, 8873, 29991, 13, 13, 29931, 2707, 2354, 29892, 385, 4688, 7824, 1302, 29899, 8508, 310, 7903, 6077, 592, 373, 304, 445, 5176, 9418, 29899, 4346, 265, 907, 314, 29892, 607, 14909, 28761, 29879, 596, 628, 9593, 321, 5935, 837, 275, 29892, 577, 306, 1016, 29915, 29873, 505, 304, 5376, 411, 738, 310, 393, 29889, 349, 13636, 29991, 13, 13, 30211, 8498, 359, 277, 561, 15788, 13, 13, 30211, 8498, 359, 277, 561, 15788, 13, 13, 1068, 29906, 1068, 13, 13, 1068, 4040, 2173, 29886, 9297, 16715, 1061, 583, 2401, 2957, 4971, 262, 9327, 7748, 1455, 7835, 1068, 13, 13, 11730, 3625, 472, 278, 8494, 336, 29899, 735, 7009, 573, 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my local organic citrus ranch each week—I only use 14 oz of bergamot juice each week, but the 10 lb bags really give you better options. Once the day's bergamot has been juiced, I gently pat 2 oz of it along my hairline. ©Depositphotos 3 OZ. GROUND, DRIED LAVENDER check local market prices Most of us are raised to seek shortcuts when it comes to lavender, using cheap oils and candles that have never even been near an actual sprig of _Lamiaceae lavandula_. But when we use these shortcuts, we deprive ourselves of lavender's true rich, earthy aroma. For this reason, I opt to begin each week by setting a new batch of lavender to dry, harvesting last week's now-dried plants, and grinding them with a mortar and pestle in the pre-dawn hours. I then take exactly 3 oz of the ground lavender, retreat to a secret grotto located on an unknown corner of my Brentwood property, toss the finely ground powder in the air, and caper about in its dust like a sun-sick capuchin monkey for a solid minute. ©Depositphotos 1 DROP FRESH BLOOD free! The smallest, yet most important part of any good morning beauty routine. Once I have scented myself with lavender in my grotto, I sit by a large, mysterious black rock placed in its center, where I gently prick one finger and smear the blood across the rock, all while chanting a soft invocation to He Who Waits. I don't know exactly how it works or what I'm doing; all I know is, before I started doing this in 1987, I was a waitress at a Checkers in Tampa, and I always smelled like burnt plastic, so this truly has become a cornerstone of my scent practice. This all just goes to show—you don't have to be rich to look (or smell!) like a million bucks. You just need some creativity, some ingenuity, and the willingness to spend a few millennia in a lake of fire (which, coincidentally, is excellent for the pores). * * * FASHION * * * ©iStock.com/jodiejohnson If you look at it one way, fashion is a frivolous pursuit, something that we can't possibly devote guiltless emotional space to when the environment is in crisis, Tibet still isn't free, and our country is suffering from a chalupa epidemic from which there often seems no hope of recovery. But if you look at it another way, you have to put _something_ on your body (unless you're spending the weekend at Lenny Kravitz's château)—so why not have it be cashmere jeans, a gorgeously cut pair of custom-made raw denim overalls, or a T-shirt that is made of fabric significantly nicer than what most women wear on their wedding days? Sure, the women at that food co-op you joined to showcase your earthy and participatory nature might be unkind about it. But they were already unkind when they decided it "wasn't cool" that your nanny was working all of your shifts for you, so it's kind of beside the point now, isn't it? Life has to have some pleasure in it, after all. Socially Conscious Fashion: _I'm Still Going to Wear Leather, Though, I Mean Come On_ ©Depositphotos Factory farming is an unambiguous evil—even if you're not interested in a vegetarian diet, you have to admit that they're a strain on the environment. But fake leather is also an unambiguous evil—after a few years, any faux leather item you have will start cracking, and might even flake into a plate of "paleo souvlaki" (carrots topped with radish shavings) you have lovingly prepared for your children. And in a way, isn't that just trading one trauma for another? I mean, I'm not a monster. 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long-term ramifications that our actions have for our children, and our grandchildren, and _their_ grandchildren. But leather pants telegraph a certain vibe and attitude that only leather pants can telegraph, and I really NEED to telegraph it. What do you want me to wear, wide-legged linen pants? Those clowns on _Fashion Police_ would eat me alive. Because of all of this, I was thrilled to find out about Mara Ruritable's LeatherAge collection of ultra-ethically sourced leather goods. Mara sources her leather exclusively from cows who have died of old age or misadventure on farms in upstate New York. Because of this, each of Mara's leather pieces are unique, with their own distinctive coloring, pattern of moles, teat-related stretch marks, and, on occasion, track marks. Her pieces celebrate the life and legacy of the cow or bull who gave the leather, no matter whether they passed peacefully in their sleep, accidentally ate a hallucinogenic toad and fell into a lake, or unwisely attempted to mate with a ride-on mower. It's leather we can all feel good about. ©Depositphotos MARA RURITABLE'S LEATHERAGE LEATHER JEGGINGS price available upon request Everyday Basics That Cost $1,000 but You'd Understand Why if You Could Touch Them _(You Will Never Touch Them)_ ©Depositphotos While it's fun to shop for accent pieces, it's so important to have a closet full of dependable classics that can carry you through your days. In fact, I've found that most women who think they "know nothing about fashion" actually just don't have a good set of staples to work with. With that in mind, I've assembled a list of my favorite wardrobe anchors that may look like things you have hanging in your closet, but which are vastly superior because the fabric feels like the cloth equivalent of receiving a sexually charged massage from a 21-year-old Norwegian boat captain. ISABEL QUISOTTO RIBBED CASHMERE CARDIGAN You may think that cashmere is cashmere, but that's just because you've never worn Isabel Quisotto cashmere. If you did, you'd probably realize that most lower-priced cashmere is actually 38% actual cashmere, 50% cat fur, and 12% recycled industrial paper towels. Available in Snow White, Chalk White, Milk White, and Eggshell. SIERRA VAN DER THON "TRISH" BLAZER Studies done on the linen used to make this blazer have shown that even mere seconds of contact with it replicate the brain patterns most commonly seen in newborns being embraced by their mother first thing in the morning. Available in Rosemary and Plum. Oh, never mind, I just realized I got the last Rosemary one, sorry about that. Available in Plum. AB TK THE FRENCH CARGO PANT As these pants prove, we have the technology to make a flattering-looking cargo pant with enough pockets to fit your on-the-go lifestyle. But until those fat cats in Washington agree to provide more funding for research, these custom-fitted and hand-sewn pants will be available only to a chosen few. Available in Coal Chamber, Mudvayne, Incubus, and Len. RICHARD RICHARD CLASSIC SCOOP NECK T If your first relatives who crossed an ocean to get to America could touch this T-shirt one time, they would descend into a chilling spiral of madness from which they would never return. Available in Whispers, Hushed Laments, and Ecru. LA POUPEE KITTY KAT MICRO PURSE This tiny purse is shaped like a cat, but no one will ever say anything about it, because it costs $1,000. 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! And like some other Hermès products, they come with a lifetime warranty, which means that as they become soiled from regular use, you can keep sending them back to Paris for a delicate refurbishing by Hermès's top laundry artisans. Can be upgraded with gold or platinum hardware and diamond accents. The Glop Guide to the Right Outfit for the Right Occasion ©iStock.com/Tarzhanova Having the chicest outfit in the room is no use if it's the wrong outfit for what you're doing. For example, a Valentino couture wedding gown with a full train is divine, but if you show up for enough first dates in it, you will eventually be kicked off Tinder. So it's important not just to pick the best outfit, but the best outfit for the job. Below, I've assembled a few of my favorites that go with life's most important (and best-dressed) moments. First Day at a New Internship Corset-topped bodice leather pencil skirt, Carolyn Humidor So Kate pump in Nude, Christian Louboutin Microlace high-necked button-up with peekaboo nipple paneling, Thierra Myst HINT: Carolyn Humidor's leather corset-topped pencil skirts telegraph strength and power without doing a thing—which is great, because they hold their shape best if you refrain from unnecessary movement while wearing them. So try to avoid spending your first day doing old-fashioned office moves like getting coffee, or breathing—instead, stand completely still, awash in your own sense of your potential. Your High School Reunion Steel cage bustier with mesh inset webbing and rubberized tapes, Scythe Studios Satin skirt in Air-Cream Green, Porpoise Mackenzie One huge diamond Second huge diamond HINT: Details make a huge impact when telling your outfit's visual story. With this look, the second huge diamond is key in telling your story—it shows that it's not just like you saved a ton of money for years and eventually managed to afford just one wimpy huge diamond. First Date Cotton/kelp sundress, Lili Q.R.C.M.-R. Kitten heels, Lili Q.R.C.M.-R. HINT: This dress makes that all-important first impression by combining the comfort of cotton with the chicness and crushing, joyless environmental responsibility of repurposed kelp. Since the scent can get overpowering during daylight hours, you'll want to keep accessories simple and classic for coffee dates. When You Have to Knock 'Em Dead at Work Strapless silk jumpsuit in Erotic City Purple, Kreplich & Co. Peep-toe heels in Spank Me, I'm A Bad Little Monkey Red, Reebok Crotch accentuator by Baron von Latex HINT: I know! Reebok makes heels now! I was surprised, too, but they balance form and fashion in a way that will help you bowl all your co-workers over when you present your special projects! Family Fun Day at the Beach Purely theoretical blouse in Toasted Rumpleminz, Alice Lobberning Seamless pescatarian robo-trousers, Lobbern Alicing 1 dried apple, Shephard's Farm of Oak Glen HINT: Lobbern Alicing's seamless pescatarian robo-trousers come in a variety of shapes, sizes, and colors, and I highly recommend outfitting the entire family in them! That way, you can show all the paparazzos and looky-loos at the beach that you all absolutely agree about everything and there are no problems you can't solve together, because there are no problems at all. Solving the Cultural Appropriation Dilemma by Appropriating from Cultures That Don't Exist ©iStock.com/Josef Philipp We live in fast-changing times, and we have a duty to move with them,	1.26875	-0.707587	-0.576224	-1.012198	[ 1.7727905065848815, 0.7647093908417939 ]	[ -0.6789370461652701, -0.736237160767181 ]	[ -0.5295409256351761, -0.6229062983821345 ]	[ -0.8060394784732078, -1.2183566659912899 ]	1,024	[ 512, 512 ]	[ 29991, 1126, 763, 777, 916, 10515, 2093, 9316, 29892, 896, 2041, 411, 263, 25423, 1370, 21867, 29891, 29892, 607, 2794, 393, 408, 896, 4953, 577, 2356, 515, 4943, 671, 29892, 366, 508, 3013, 9348, 963, 1250, 304, 3681, 363, 263, 628, 9593, 2143, 9265, 14424, 491, 10515, 2093, 29915, 29879, 2246, 425, 870, 719, 1616, 275, 550, 29889, 1815, 367, 20337, 287, 411, 7684, 470, 18870, 262, 398, 12837, 322, 11502, 898, 1035, 1237, 29889, 13, 1068, 1576, 402, 4757, 16886, 304, 278, 10428, 4451, 9202, 363, 278, 10428, 16117, 7002, 1068, 13, 13, 30211, 29875, 20754, 384, 29889, 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even when we'd prefer to stay rooted in the comfort of the past. For example, 15 years ago, I never could have predicted that I'd have to throw out all my business dashikis, or that wearing bindis, not as a sign of Hindu spirituality but to draw attention to your lusciously smooth forehead, would be frowned upon. And yet, here we are. It doesn't matter if you weren't trying to undermine another culture or be racist, and were just wearing cornrows because they really do look great on you—we have to be sensitive to others' feelings, beliefs, and experiences, especially in areas with high paparazzi density. For generations, wearing another culture's clothes symbolized that you were an openhearted world traveler, someone who wore native garb from a place that felt like your adopted homeland because you went to a really amazing rave there in 1997. In today's more thoughtful times, how are we to now signify that classic spirit of adventure, belief that the world is our classroom, and the fact that you totally aren't a narc? Here at Glop HQ, we've been experimenting with appropriating the classic styles of cultures that don't actually exist. These design flourishes help give outfits that "citizen of the world" flair, while also all but ensuring that no Wesleyan-educated millennial know-it-all will end up writing an angry blog post about you. Atlantis The versatile seashell bikini top works not only as a sea-to-sand transition outfit, but can work as a day-to-night item if you style it correctly (we like a few strands of ethically sourced pearls and a smartly cut blazer). A full fishtail is too bulky for everyday wear, but is a great touch of whimsy for a special occasion, like lounging around your luxe bedouin tent while watching Rihanna perform at Coachella. (I checked with my Appropriation Coordinator about whether we're still allowed to use bedouin tents in this situation, and she voted yes, because there are so few Bedouin travelers in Indio at this time of year). The Hollow Earth There are so many vibrant cultures alleged to inhabit the planet's empty core that you can take your pick, and select the one that makes the most provocative, thoughtful, or lightly erotic statment about your personality. My favorite Hollow Earth culture to appropriate from is the proto-prehistoric culture from Jules Verne's _Journey to the Center of the Earth_ , which to me signifies boldness and risk-taking, and can also be approximated with faux fur items you likely already own! North Pole Though many of our tackier relations have given appropriating this culture a bad name, a thoughtful dollop of North Pole—like a pop of red velvet lining inside a jacket, or boots made from the skin of a young, impetuous reindeer—can give a very simple outfit a sense of depth and texture. Avalon Peasant skirts with romantic layers are often considered the go-to way to show a cultural connection with the mythical UK island where King Arthur was taken after being wounded in battle—but in recent years, I've preferred to show my connection by being enveloped in a soft, misty fog. It's a fresher take, and it is wonderfully hydrating for the skin. The Beyond Though the basic crisp white sheet with eye holes sheared into it will always have a place in our hearts, we have found that wearing it in public will quickly make cultural appropriation the least of your concerns. Instead, we find that an extra swipe of highlighter across the cheekbones and a mini flashlight held loosely under the chin get the point across beautifully (Sonia Rykiel has some gorgeous mini flashlights this season). * * * HOME * * * ©Depositphotos The home is our most treasured space—a place to retreat from the pressures of the world, spend quality time with our families, and think about some new salads you might like to try. 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relaxed we can ever feel, or how many salads we can think of, when our home isn't stocked with the right items for our family's wants and needs. I would never tell you about the items that I currently keep in my house, because my family's home is a sacred space meant only for us (also I am currently experimenting with some New Minimalist design where the only furniture in our home is a pile of the Elephant Man's bones). But the picks below are items that my family has loved and used in the past, or, in the case of lower-priced items, were loved and used by some of my less-essential assistants—and I'm sure you'll love them, too. If you find that you don't love these picks, please know that the problem is you (for more resources, see "12 Cognitive Behavioral Therapists Who Will Teach You to Have Better Taste in Flatware," exclusively on our site). The Only Bidets You'll Ever Need ©Depositphotos I try not to keep many toilets in my home—my children and I much prefer to use the fast-moving stream behind our Napa estate, which is good for the environment _and_ helps us stay a bit more in tune with our bodies (my son, Candida, did once catch giardia in there, but that was mostly due to his own errors). However, as previously noted, we also love entertaining; and when you're hosting guests, certain concessions must be made—and unfortunately, offering a "bathed room" is often one of them. But having indoor plumbing doesn't have to be a drag! Especially when you approach it as an opportunity to flex your design muscles. Your bathroom can be a showcase for your breezy, self-assured mid-century style—full of delicate whispers of silver accent, frothy mouthfuls of rich Calacatta marble, and strangled gasps of sumptuously hand-marinated glass. Take those indoor plumbing lemons, mix them with water and cayenne pepper, and make some "lemonade" that you must consume nonstop for 30 days! No matter what your aesthetic, the star of any bathroom is always the bidet. Whether starkly Brutalist or playfully sensual, your bidet is the element that unites your bathroom concept. But with so many options out there, it can be stressful to choose the right one—who among us hasn't seen one that looked fantastic in the showroom, only to experience bidet-buyer's remorse once it has been installed? Don't worry—this is why we're here. The 5 bidets below were child-tested and mom-approved, and then also approved by members of the advisory board of _Architecture Digest_. Together, they cover all the seasons of a woman's life, functioning less like a set of 5 bidets and more like a group of warm, kind-hearted friends who provide love, support, and room-temperature water to shoot into your lower bodily cavities when you truly need it most. 1 Philippe Starck Ghost Bidet For those looking to showcase their sense of sleek edginess in their loo, you can't go wrong with this companion piece to Starck's popular Ghost Chair. This is made from transparent injection-molded polycarbonate, turning staid traditional bidet design on its head! It does not have the machinery to connect to any kind of water supply, as that would ruin its lines and form, but you'll figure something out. 2 Siena Design Perma-Clean™ Misting High-Intensity Bidet A must-have for anyone seeking to truly clean their flowering zucchini plant, this disinfects your water supply by running an impressive 1,000 volts of electricity through your water, purifying every molecule and delivering a next-level clean. Though this bidet has been banned in both the northern and southern hemispheres, you can still pick one up from an unlicensed garbage barge parked in the middle of the equator. 3 Toshi-1252a _The_ bidet of the moment, the 1252a blows the	1.211224	-0.423772	-0.364923	-0.85384	[ 0.9893361611975906, 1.433111000193189 ]	[ -0.9367875618738696, 0.08924261521659922 ]	[ -0.5691696916568053, -0.16067637150585143 ]	[ -1.2521744794785774, -0.4555048348261316 ]	1,024	[ 512, 512 ]	[ 26681, 287, 591, 508, 3926, 4459, 29892, 470, 920, 1784, 4497, 7925, 591, 508, 1348, 310, 29892, 746, 1749, 3271, 3508, 29915, 29873, 10961, 287, 411, 278, 1492, 4452, 363, 1749, 3942, 29915, 29879, 10753, 322, 4225, 29889, 13, 13, 29902, 723, 2360, 2649, 366, 1048, 278, 4452, 393, 306, 5279, 3013, 297, 590, 3699, 29892, 1363, 590, 3942, 29915, 29879, 3271, 338, 263, 26546, 2913, 6839, 871, 363, 502, 313, 15189, 306, 626, 5279, 7639, 292, 411, 777, 1570, 3080, 3039, 391, 2874, 988, 278, 871, 15252, 17252, 297, 1749, 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1251c completely out of the water (pardon the pun) with even lower-impact nozzles, an even higher-impact catalytic converter, multiple warming functions, and even more adjustable frequencies. Plus, they've finally worked out the bugs with the bidet's proprietary intelligent personal assistant and knowledge navigator—it no longer uses its "security function" to automatically take photos of any movement in its vicinity and then immediately post them to Facebook. Brilliant! 4 Traviatta Looking to send the kids to your parents' house for the night and "reconnect"? This lush, nearly voluptuous, almost hedonistic piece is the perfect bidet to help reignite the passion in your relationship. From its meticulously crafted spout—which delivers an almost cushiony flow—to the paneling, which is handcrafted from reclaimed wood that once belonged to Samuel Pepys, this bidet's romantic details make it the perfect choice for a long, sybaritic weekend with your partner and a college girl you met on FetLife. 5 Bidet By Marc by Marc Jacobs My fellow mothers of tweens will love this one! As you know, once they turn 11 or 12, there's just no pleasing your kids—while they used to love any bidet you picked out for them, now they'll tell you that any bidet you think is nice is "totally for babies" or "so boring" or "such shitty stupid trash that I literally wish Grandma had died in a war so neither of us were ever born." So surprise your middle school diva with her favorite designer's limited-edition bidet—the bright colors and polka dots provide a hit of youthful fun, while the embossed metallics give it a bit of edge that will take her right through her teen years. Let's see her try to call you a "gross withered old celery bitch" now! Décor I Would Never Personally Buy, but Maybe It Would Look Nice in Your Smaller Home? ©Depositphotos Over the years, I have received a lot of feedback about how many of Glop's picks are "out of touch," "completely unaffordable," "unrealistic for working families," "prohibitively expensive," "often seem to be items that have been handcrafted by Issey Miyake inside a dormant volcano on the ocean's floor," etc. I'm shocked every time, of course—when I select items to feature on Glop, I always try to include something for every price point. But it's important to make sure that all people feel seen and heard—even people who are very wrong about you, because they have probably never read your actual website and are simply going off what they read on some humorous blog. So with that in mind, I have flouted conventional decorating wisdom, dedicated weeks to research, and picked out some gorgeous, dynamic home décor, all of it priced below $10,000. There. I hope you all feel validated now (for more on how to feel validated, check our "15 Ancient Ayurvedic Tips to Get More Likes on Facebook," exclusively on our website). Cashmere Ottoman $7,531 Set of 3 Steel Micro-Bowls $863 Gold Decorative Brick $3,000 Steam-Powered Heated Towel Rack $6,032 Plate to Place Bananas Upon $2,500 Set of 15 Platinum Clam Forks $1,200 Special Edition Sculpted Glass Wine Decanter (all proceeds go to reptile diabetes research) $2,090 A Matchbook Cursed by Martha Stewart $5,000 Juice Glass $600 The Perfect Yacht-Mounted Wine Mini-Fridge (land-based version) $9,898 How to Decorate the Wings of Your Home That You Have Closed Off ©Depositphotos The saying "out of sight, out of mind" is the motto for most	1.10165	-0.312082	-0.65778	-0.954318	[ 0.8030603028537592, 1.4002387898972186 ]	[ -0.4452600163043518, -0.17890401483453114 ]	[ -1.0255345611618871, -0.29002466380044917 ]	[ -0.9165977148739554, -0.992037452653289 ]	1,024	[ 512, 512 ]	[ 29871, 29896, 29906, 29945, 29896, 29883, 6446, 714, 310, 278, 4094, 313, 29886, 20342, 278, 6035, 29897, 411, 1584, 5224, 29899, 6574, 627, 694, 5617, 793, 29892, 385, 1584, 6133, 29899, 6574, 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working moms—if it isn't in our way right that second, it might as well not exist. Between work obligations and family commitments, we can barely get around to firing our laziest reiki master, let alone concern ourselves with decorating the wings of our homes that have been closed off due to structural issues. The practical, no-nonsense parts of ourselves that we use to drive hard bargains in our working lives may say, "Why bother with lighting design in a part of our manse that is inhabited only by a few 100% biodynamic mice and the occasional stray wraith of a duchess?" But while this attitude may bring us success in the boardroom, it isn't necessarily well suited for life inside the home. The opportunity to decorate any part of the house—even a part that has been closed off because, in order to preserve the original Victorian oak floorboards, no one can walk on them or breathe too heavily near them—is an opportunity to create a warmer, more refined home, one that truly feels like a refuge. I also have fostered a rich, mutually supportive relationship with the ghosts in each of our homes, and believe decorating your closed-off wings is a great chance to show them that they, too, deserve a romantic, restorative sanctuary. Try out some new styles. In the parts of our home that our families use, "coziness" and "comfort" are generally the watchwords; however, a closed-off wing is a blank "grown-ups only" canvas in which we can "go wild," decorating with the kinds of design flourishes that adults love, but which would barely last 10 seconds with our little tykes around. I personally find that closed-off wings are a great place to try out some truly luscious experimental couches—our glass-shard couch by Bivendi, which we keep in the closed-off wing of our Tuscan estate, is one of my most beloved possessions. Fill it with credenzas. If you're anything like me, you have a bit of a credenza problem—nearly any time I see a beautiful one, I have to snatch it up, even though I know I already have dozens at home. A closed-off wing is a great place to finally put those credenzas to work—stagger them, layer them, or fill them with polio to honor your home's traditional Victorian design, while still invigorating it with a modern sensibility. Play with drapery. We have a much broader palette of drapery to work with when we're decorating a closed-off wing, since the design doesn't have to allow for free movement by occupants. And since the floors often can't support the full weight of traditional furniture, drapery must be used to express every mood and design gesture in the space—you can often capture the essence of pieces of solid furniture with a piece of impeccably colored and shaped drapery. For instance, the closed-off wing of our Malibu place has a drapery "couch," drapery "coffee table," drapery "rolltop desk," and drapery "Lalique 'Perruches' vase." A Bunch of Expensive Fucking Pots, Just Because ©Depositphotos As founding father Benjamin Franklin once memorably said, "A house is not a home unless it is filled with a bunch of giant hand-thrown clay pots that can't hold water but also you can't put plants in them but also don't even touch them." We've tried to pay tribute to the great man's vision with our picks below. Herftfordtshire Ultd majolica leaf plate $4,985 Griffin Reamer-Dulcimer Workshop of Joshua Tree lava-glaze neo-cauliflower ware $6,999 Crevette Effroyable Organic Modernist Creations Jackfield deep-glaze pot with "scary shellfish" embossing throughout $20,001 Veni Vidi Vpottery of Naples reclaimed Vesuvian serving tray $15,586.67 Charlene Tillamook Limited Edition "Giant Pot" Collection giant pot $	1.73444	-0.305143	-0.203644	-0.61679	[ 2.101512609544584, 1.3673665796012484 ]	[ -0.5768712170306161, -0.0334154426031165 ]	[ 0.14620879256564515, -0.553496514695251 ]	[ -0.3156811829075391, -0.9178984000080818 ]	1,024	[ 512, 512 ]	[ 1985, 286, 4835, 30003, 361, 372, 3508, 29915, 29873, 297, 1749, 982, 1492, 393, 1473, 29892, 372, 1795, 408, 1532, 451, 1863, 29889, 21674, 664, 10788, 800, 322, 3942, 9063, 1860, 29892, 591, 508, 16079, 368, 679, 2820, 304, 25948, 1749, 425, 2526, 342, 337, 10058, 5835, 29892, 1235, 7432, 5932, 20278, 411, 10200, 1218, 278, 24745, 310, 1749, 17774, 393, 505, 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53, 982 Cronenberg Collection malachite-and-gold "New Flesh" potter, from their "Unspeakable Modernist Horrors" series $9,888 Vintage pot created by British peasants to celebrate a visit by Alfonso XIII of Spain in 1922 $60,042 Pot created by my son Chiarruscuro in art class price available upon request * * * GIFTS * * * ©Depositphotos Most of us only really think about gift-giving around the holidays or on kids' birthdays—the rest of the time, we generally fall back on thoughtless ways to celebrate a friend's birthday or accomplishment, like paying for dinner or handing over yet another gift certificate for orgasmic yoga classes. But as much as your friend may technically find an offer to pay for her horse's deworming useful, it misses the real point of the lost art of giving gifts: gifts should show how deeply you know and care about your friend, by giving her things she doesn't technically need but would definitely buy herself if she had taste as good as yours. Why pay for her horse's deworming, when you can buy her horse a Bottega Veneta black cashmere throw to wear while it's getting dewormed? That kind of thoughtfulness is at the heart of gift-giving. 3 Gifts That Say, "Sting, I'm Sorry, Can We Talk? This Isn't Easy for Me, Either" ©Depositphotos Learning to apologize properly is one of the most important parts of growing up. Part of apologizing properly is looking inside yourself and realizing why what you did was wrong, owning up to your shortcomings, and seeking real forgiveness with total honesty and humility. The other, more important part of apologizing properly is figuring out the exact right gift to give that will make the person you're apologizing to like you again. I recently learned a very important lesson about this in my own life, when an unfavorable mix of top-shelf gin and a private Kundalini yoga workshop led me to alienate one of my most bosom friends. These are some of the gifts I handpicked as I went on a quest to win back his confidence. 1 Vast Majority of the Country of Malta _price available upon request_ When apologizing, it's important to show that you truly care about the comfort and peace of the person you want to make feel better. Sometimes, the best way to convey this is to give your friend some space to ponder what their life would be like if they cut you out of it—and if you can provide that space by purchasing it for them, all the better. 2 The Bones of Phil Collins ( _presale through private broker_ ) $10,000,000 When space isn't enough, sometimes your apology gift should show how you two still share the same values—that no matter what disagreements have befallen your friendship, or how you "energetically released" your stomach contents during corpse pose, your similarities outnumber your differences. A great way to show this is to pick up a gift that will allow your friend to make good on the blood oath they took on the final night of their disastrous 2001 "King of Coming In the Air Tonight" co-headlining tour. 3 Pomegranate Me Your Forgiveness Sorbet Gift Basket Edible Arrangements, $33 Leave this at Stonehenge the night before Beltane. No note. He'll know. 7 Easy Hostess Gifts for the Woman Who Literally Has _Everything_ ©iStock.com/brozova In the hustle and bustle of daily life—long days at work, followed by hours of homework help with the kids, followed by colon irrigation after colon irrigation after colon irrigation!—it can be easy to fall back on the same tired old hostess gifts for every party you attend. We all have that closet stocked with bottles of 2005 Château Lafite Rothschild, diam	0.852369	-0.648944	-0.779202	-1.085687	[ 1.0989101955174914, 0.6058270410779377 ]	[ -0.3825880159585116, -0.9153000188981529 ]	[ -0.45931875224484914, -1.099085550898031 ]	[ -0.8853812716549208, -1.285992292965865 ]	1,024	[ 512, 512 ]	[ 29945, 29941, 29892, 29871, 29929, 29947, 29906, 13, 13, 29907, 1617, 21845, 14348, 4439, 496, 568, 29899, 392, 29899, 29887, 1025, 376, 4373, 383, 23854, 29908, 3104, 357, 29892, 515, 1009, 376, 25807, 412, 557, 519, 14624, 391, 6912, 729, 29879, 29908, 3652, 13, 13, 29938, 29929, 29892, 29947, 29947, 29947, 13, 13, 29963, 524, 482, 3104, 2825, 491, 4908, 1236, 294, 1934, 304, 10894, 403, 263, 6493, 491, 29651, 16714, 310, 13616, 297, 29871, 29896, 29929, 29906, 29906, 13, 13, 29938, 29953, 29900, 29892, 29900, 29946, 29906, 13, 13, 29925, 327, 2825, 491, 590, 1487, 18168, 2749, 22142, 2192, 297, 1616, 770, 13, 13, 9175, 3625, 2501, 2009, 13, 29930, 334, 334, 13, 13, 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ond-plated ram's horns that double as iPhone speakers, and golden latte machines that dispense liquid gold lattes—so the temptation to go on hostess gift autopilot is right there. The struggle, as they say, is real. And yet, I would like to challenge you to make this year different, by putting some extra effort into your hostess gifts. You may be surprised to see how friendships bloom when you express, through a simple gift, that you know something about your hostess and care that she feels pleased with her gift. And if you feel like you don't even know where to start, I'd like to recommend some counterintuitive hostess gifts that have turned many an acquaintance into a true pal for me over the years. 1. 15 ENGRAVED LALIQUE VASES Lots of people show up with armfuls of Lalique vases to these things, but who is forward-thinking enough to jazz them up with chic engravings of stuff like your hostess's initials, astrological symbol, or emergency contact info? You, now! 2. ROUGH DRAFT OF THE ORIGINAL SCRIPT FOR _STAR WARS_ , WITH AN ALTERNATE ENDING WHERE HAN SOLO ENGAGES IN SOME ENTIRELY JUSTIFIED CANNIBALISM Who doesn't like owning a piece of history? 3. A URANIUM MINE IN LOST CREEK, WYOMING Cheeky! 4. PAINTING OF THE LAST SUPPER WITH YOU AS ALL OF THE CHARACTERS Guaranteed to only appreciate in value. 5. ONE HEALTHY GIRAFFE If this is not available, two slightly sick giraffes is considered an acceptable substitution. 6. PUBLISHING RIGHTS TO "ROCKY RACCOON" Now available from SkyMall, for those of you on the go! 7. BROOKSTONE PIZZA STONE For when you have no idea about a hostess's personal tastes and just want to err on the side of caution. Don't assume that you know what she likes. When you assume, you make an ass out of you and M.E. (Melania Elvira, my gifting doula). Birthday Gifts for Your Friend Who You Know Wants a Cartier Watch but You Don't Think She Deserves It ©Depositphotos We all have that "problem" friend—someone who weaseled her way into our social circle when we weren't looking and whom we are now required to purchase gifts for on her birthday. Predictably, this friend is always eyeing your pink gold and diamond Cartier Tank Francaise watch, dropping hints asking about your relationships with the staff at the Cartier store, sending you texts asking you to buy her a pink gold and diamond Cartier Tank Francaise watch for her birthday, etc. Below, discover 7 birthday gifts that say, "Drew may like you because she is a very trusting and forgiving person, but I, personally, remain unconvinced." 1 _A $20,000 donation in her name to the Butt Disorders wing of the Johns Hopkins Institute for Biogenetic Research_ 2 _Taxidermied foot of the real-life elephant who inspired_ Babar _(comes with a certificate of authenticity confirming that he did not die naturally)_ 3 _Partial ownership of the San Diego Chargers_ 4 _Andy Warhol's_ Electric Chair, _unframed and slightly creased_ 5 _Pink gold Cartier Tank Francaise watch without diamonds_ 6 _One-year membership at Careless Whispers, Cleveland's most exclusive sex club_ 7 _A 30-minute one-on-one meet-and-greet with Omarosa_ What to Buy for Your Friend Who Lets Her Kids Eat White Flour We all have someone in our life whom we feel deep affection for, despite the fact that they exhibit a criminal level of disregard of	0.540425	-0.227699	-0.967835	-1.401753	[ 1.0715166869375161, 0.009333391748977553 ]	[ 0.4133463884336583, -0.8687436757841003 ]	[ -0.7960047483646109, -1.1396654073041794 ]	[ -1.2469717389420716, -1.5565348008641648 ]	1,024	[ 512, 512 ]	[ 898, 29899, 572, 630, 13472, 29915, 29879, 25341, 29879, 393, 3765, 408, 18483, 7726, 414, 29892, 322, 22843, 3405, 371, 14884, 393, 12272, 1947, 23904, 7684, 301, 1131, 267, 30003, 578, 278, 25782, 362, 304, 748, 373, 3495, 404, 19797, 1120, 459, 309, 327, 338, 1492, 727, 29889, 450, 21117, 29892, 408, 896, 1827, 29892, 338, 1855, 29889, 13, 13, 2855, 3447, 29892, 306, 723, 763, 304, 18766, 366, 304, 1207, 445, 1629, 1422, 29892, 491, 10594, 777, 4805, 7225, 964, 596, 3495, 404, 330, 17741, 29889, 887, 1122, 367, 18014, 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their children's glycemic index. Perhaps you're connected to this person by accident of birth; maybe you're just hanging around because you're waiting for the right moment to discreetly take a photo of her serving orange soda to her children, which you will then forward to Child Protective Services. Either way, you still need to figure out the right items to give her for birthdays and holidays that say, "I'd get you something nicer if I believed that you knew how to properly milk a cashew, you ghoul." * * * BONUS: What to Do if Someone Buys YOU $200 Candles In the past, whenever I unwrapped a gift box to find that it contained $200 candles, I immediately started making plans to donate them to a children's charity, even as I was "thanking" the person who had gifted them to me. But then, I learned this life-changing pearl from my scalp manager, Peony-Skylar LaFargo—and my gift-accepting life has never been the same! 1. Take your $200 candles 2. Place them into $10,000 candleholders Voilà! Now your candles look like they cost at least $500, meaning you can confidently place them in your servants' garage, second prep kitchen, or the only bathroom your landscapers are allowed to use. * * * ©Depositphotos $200 CANDLES BY TERRIER POUVOIR $205 The cool thing about Terrier Pouvoir candles—created on a Dutch lavender farm by a French ex-banker who left New York City so that she and her family could have the space and peace to fully appreciate their window treatments—is that, in addition to their line of cheap crap for awful losers, they also have a really great selection of luxe hypoallergenic soy candles, in case you're in the mood to pick up a little something for yourself. ©Depositphotos THE ORIGINAL TINY PURSE BY SARARARARA $450 Sarararara is at the forefront of the "tiny purse" movement, which is about simplifying your life by only filling it with things that truly give you joy—and then shoving those things that give you joy into this 3 x 4-inch purse. This gift might encourage your friend to be more conscious and deliberate about her existence; also, there is no room in it for Cheez-Its. ©Depositphotos ECO-WEEKENDER TOTE BY REMOTE UVULA $500 These chic weekender bags, fashioned from repurposed uvulas of long-dead whales, are stylish AND they teach a lesson about how to honor our earth (instead of eating things that make it seem like your friend doesn't even understand the differences between the majestic human body and a tarp filled with dumpster water, _which are many_ ). * * * KIDS! * * * ©Depositphotos Every single year, my appreciation and grasp of what it truly means to be a parent expands, matures, and changes. I accomplish most of this growth through dedicated spiritual study with excellent teachers abroad, sometimes for months at a time if that's what it takes to truly understand the real psychological tenets of parenting. This schedule, of course, is terribly hard on my children, whom I usually see for about 6 days a month (10 tops, and that's only when I don't have a new detoxifying charcoal suppository to promote that season). So, like any busy working mother, I like to make the most of the precious little time we have together. We're more than just our children's protectors; we also are their very first models for how to interact with the world, weathering its disappointments and celebrating its moments of joy. And so I like to spend our time together passing on my most cherished values in my family's most time-honored way: buying stuff. 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into what you buy them (it's math). 4 Endangered Species Protection Society Memberships to Get Your Children Instead of What They Really Want ©Depositphotos Like so many kids, my own two towheaded angels have spent years desperate for a puppy. But while raising a dog can be a rewarding experience, my third personal assistant/pet consultant, Deborah Shannen-Jaws-Shannon, has advised me that having a dog running around the house would absolutely undo all the root chakra work we've been doing. Plus, when we give our children everything they desire, we deprive them of the wonderful gift of being unhappy and then figuring out what to do to kill the pain—one of life's most essential skills. With all of this in mind, every year I give my kiddos a new membership to an endangered species protection society, to remind them that the world is bigger than just their immediate sphere; that the less fortunate need their help; and that animals are best enjoyed from afar. 1. WORLD WILDLIFE ORGANIZATION This great group has live cameras placed throughout the rainforest and jungle areas around the world, so your kids can log on any hour of the day or night and see panda bears, orangutans, or baby elephants that look like they're practically in your living room. Yes, dogs may offer shy and nervous kids a sense of unconditional love in an uncaring world, but surely the wild animals seen in this live cam would also feel unconditional love for your kids if they met them (that is, if Nature had not programmed most of them to mistake your child for a rival animal intent on stealing their young, leading them to rip your tot limb from limb). 2. PANDA KLUB Looking to teach your kids about responsibility the way that walking and caring for a dog might? Then you're in luck—this conservation group can have their members' fees billed directly to your child, and if they forget to pay on time, Panda Klub WILL turn their account over to a collections agency. 3. WALT AND JENNY'S ANIMAL SAVERS—TULUM Walt and Jenny are a wonderful couple who travel the world defending and protecting animals who are under siege due to environmental or human threats. Their Tulum, Mexico, outpost unfortunately doesn't have any actual animals on-site, but it is located next to a great massage place, and also Walt and Jenny once personally helped me talk a nanny down from a bad salvia trip. 4. TOM FORD Tom Ford is less an endangered species protection society in the traditional sense, and more a visionary designer whose breathtaking tailoring and eye for texture makes him a national treasure. But the hardest (and yet often most rewarding) part of parenting is teaching your kids that what they want and what they _need_ are sometimes two very different things—and they need to get some nicer shoes if they think they are going with me to the People's Choice Awards this year, I am _serious_. 4 Best Caviarz for Kidz ©Depositphotos Though I like to keep an eye on sugar, salt, and preservatives in my little ones' diets, I don't deprive my kids of all the classic treats of childhood by any means. Sometimes, being a great mom means letting your kids live a little, you know? And so, on a balmy summer afternoon, there's nothing my brood likes better than gathering together on the back deck and chatting about the shenanigans and monkeyshines they got up to that day with their nannies and assistant nannies while we all cool down with a nice plate of caviar. When I see the looks on their faces as they shovel down that Kazakhstanian beluga roe, I know I can't deprive them, even though the sodium is off the charts. There are, after all, only so many summers of childhood! My grocer is great about keeping stocked up on the brands of caviar that kids crave, but I know that many parents are not so lucky. 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the best caviars that keep kids happy (which is the real secret to keeping parents happy). 1 Bill's Shassetra Bill is a father himself, and understands how important it is to serve our kids sustainably and ethically harvested fish eggs—not only for our values, but for their futures. 2 Millicent Farms Russian Sturgeon Caviar Millicent Farms offers the best of both worlds: _Caviar Aficionado_ named it "the champagne of caviars," yet its playful, smoky flavor will grab the taste buds of even the fussiest snacker (who is accustomed to regularly consuming grade 1 Russian caviar). 3 Gaston Beareuth Royal Caviar "Royal caviar" is a term that means a golden roe, which is only produced by 1 in 1,000 sturgeon. I love to pack this one for their lunches, because its yellow hue is such a fun cafeteria conversation starter! 4 Fresh Sturgeon from the Caspian Sea Of course, if you really want to give your kids one of the classic experiences you remember from your own childhood, you'll want to take them out on an Azerbaijanian fishing boat, where earthy fishermen will scoop up some roe right from the source. Done properly, this trip can not only expand your child's palate, but also make up for accidentally leaving them in Istanbul for 72 hours during the _Iron Man 3_ press tour. Family Fun Picks from My Children, Perforated Hespadrille and Choade ©Depositphotos We can get so busy trying to be perfect parents—getting our children into the right schools, sending them to the right extracurriculars, buying them the right Cessnas—that we often forget that the real point of having kids is spending quality time with them. It's so important to remember to just relax with our kids, and do the things that _they_ like to do. My kids, Perforated Hespadrille and Choade, have had strong personalities and vivid tastes practically since they came out of the birthing pool, and whether we're on the go while I'm at work, or spending a lazy Sunday making our own stevia, I make sure to include things that reflect their own interests and satisfy their curiosities. Below, PH and Choadey share some of their favorite kid stuff. The Ingmar Bergman Trilogy Boxed Set ( _Through a Glass Darkly_ / _Winter Light_ / _The Silence_ ) Every time PH has some friends over, she loves to toss on a disc from the set that the Criterion collection calls an "evocation of a desperate world confronted with God's desertion." Diamanda Galas, _Plague Mass_ Choadey got me into this one, and now we pump it on every family road trip! His favorite track is album-opener "There Are No More Tickets to the Funeral," but I prefer the deep-cut track "How Shall Our Judgement Be Carried Out Upon the Wicked?," especially if I need to get psyched when I'm doing my last set of reps at the gym. _Watership Down_ , by Richard Adams Choadey says, "I love the bunnies. They are so silly. Sometimes I wish I could go away forever, too." AffirmME! App PH is just _addicted_ to this app, which provides users with uplifting daily affirmations, like "The present moment may be a prison, but it is a brief moment in the eternity of the spirit." I can barely pry it out of her hands at dinner! Traditional Vodun Doll I actually don't remember buying this for the kids, but they can't seem to get enough of it—and when the kids are happy _and_ learning something about another culture, I'm always over the moon. 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them away from all those screens, kids still possess infinite natural creativity. ©Depositphotos * * * LOOK AT * * * ©iStock.com/mattjeacock Glop isn't just about the things you eat, wear, or smudge sage around; it's also about being a citizen of the future, and finding the greatest culture for your family everywhere you go. In fact, part of the reason I founded Glop is that I wanted to find a way to share all the great advice and information I had picked up over the course of my many travels. You shouldn't be going to some artisanal wind salon or restaurant that only serves water that carrots have been boiled in, just because your hotel concierge recommended it (especially since they're only recommending it because they're getting a kickback); you should be going to the absolute best artisanal wind salon or carrot-water restaurant in town! So I'm pleased to be able to share my best "not for tourists" picks that will make you feel at home no matter where you find yourself. The Glop Guide to Spending a Ton of Money in Paris ©bowie15/123RF There's truly no place on earth like the City of Lights! Few other cities can match Paris's history, romance, and ability to make visitors feel like they are constantly being judged. Because of all these features, Paris has always felt like a second home to me (and is, coincidentally, the site of my ninth home). The ancient Gothic churches! The gorgeous public parks! The train system that I hear people who don't have cars like to use! It all makes for a world-class visit, every time. The best parts of Paris manage to combine the Old and New Worlds in fascinating ways—and allow you to instantly understand why this useless, carb-filled city still manages to charm pretty much everyone who visits. Dine CRUEL PIERRE'S GRUEL BOWL It's true, French women don't get fat—and Cruel Pierre is why! French food is some of the best in the world—but it's also some of the worst for you. That's where C. P. comes in; his fresh, high-protein spins on traditional French gruels have been helping Gloppers enjoy their trip to the City on the Seine (without ruining their diets) since 2002. The menu changes daily, based on what C. P. and his staff find on their daily trips to Paris' legendary early morning gruel markets—so one visit may yield a tasty leek-and-microgreens gruel, while the next might find you sipping on some gruel infused with wild-caught cod. And if you get tired of gruel, don't worry—Cruel Pierre offers plenty of lively side dishes, like a plate of rock salt that Pierre personally forces you to eat all of. C'est magnifique! Visit PÈRE LACHAISE CEMETERY Père Lachaise is the largest and most famous cemetery in Paris—which is really saying something in a city famous for being filled with the decaying remains of society's most beloved cultural figures. Père Lachaise is the final resting place of everyone from Oscar Wilde to Maria Callas to Jim Morrison—and me, sometime within the next 60 to 100 years (depending on the pace of innovations in the fields of laser dentistry and kale injection technologies). Every time I'm in Paris, I love to come and visit the grave plots I have purchased for myself, my children Pawtucket and Charro, and an as-yet-unknown lucky future Mr. Glop! (In the event that we are unable to source a Mr. Glop in time, the spot will be filled with the body of our beloved family dog, Pier Paolo Pasolini.) Buying a group plot in Père Lachaise is a classic Paris experience, and something every family should do at least once. So make sure to plan your trip on a weekday, when the office is open. And come say hi to our plot while you're at it—we're right behind Honoré de Balzac! Shop **CHRISTIAN LOUBOUT	1.449547	0.248035	-0.057959	-0.932694	[ 1.323536965873288, 1.57555724480906 ]	[ -0.25033330808583915, 0.746403304557266 ]	[ 0.08787524898180694, -0.203792468937384 ]	[ -1.1845388525040024, -0.6808485343135376 ]	1,024	[ 512, 512 ]	[ 963, 3448, 515, 599, 1906, 11844, 29892, 413, 4841, 1603, 22592, 10362, 5613, 907, 28157, 29889, 13, 13, 30211, 8498, 359, 277, 561, 15788, 13, 29930, 334, 334, 13, 13, 3927, 8949, 15531, 13, 13, 29930, 334, 334, 13, 13, 30211, 29875, 20754, 384, 29889, 510, 29914, 29885, 1131, 1324, 562, 1698, 13, 13, 29954, 4757, 3508, 29915, 29873, 925, 1048, 278, 2712, 366, 17545, 29892, 19531, 29892, 470, 1560, 566, 479, 269, 482, 2820, 29936, 372, 29915, 29879, 884, 1048, 1641, 263, 14497, 264, 310, 278, 5434, 29892, 322, 9138, 278, 14176, 9257, 363, 596, 3942, 16978, 366, 748, 29889, 13, 13, 797, 2114, 29892, 760, 310, 278, 2769, 306, 11091, 402, 4757, 338, 393, 306, 5131, 304, 1284, 263, 982, 304, 6232, 599, 278, 2107, 9848, 322, 2472, 306, 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IN PARIS FLAGSHIP STORE MATERIALS SHOWROOM VIP TOUR Paris (or "Paname," as the young people call it) is a famous international mecca for shopping —you can get the best of the best from every designer in the world within the city limits. But I think it adds a special element to the experience when spend your time in Paris shopping with one of the city's own—which is why I love my yearly trips to the Christian Louboutin Paris Flagship Store Materials Showroom VIP Tour ($1,000). Though Louboutin's signature red-soled heels are a staple for stylish women the world over, it all began here, and this one-on-one exclusive tour puts you face-to-face with the raw creativity at work in the brand. Tour guests will be taken to a hidden nook of the shop, where you'll get to spend up to an hour examining the raw leather and cans of red paint that eventually become the world's most elegant shoe (the cans are unopened, but the color is clearly labeled on the side). Make sure to stay in close contact with your tour guide, though—last time I went, I thought mine had just left to use the bathroom, but he had actually accidentally locked me in there over a three-day weekend (the French love their holidays!). Stay MY APARTMENT IN PARIS My home in the 16th arrondissement is absolutely one of my favorite spaces in the world—it's so peaceful, while still being steps from the thrilling hustle and bustle of the city, and always filled with gorgeous afternoon light. It's a wonderful place to unwind—having your own apartment, filled with your personal belongings, makes travel a pleasure instead of a chore. You should think about getting one! Watch 8TH ARRONDISSEMENT COMMUNITY PLAYERS PRODUCTION OF _SHEAR MADNESS_ It's in French! Adorable! View _FULL/STOP_ BY AARON JONES AT GALERIE LUCIE BERNAISE I met Aaron at a silent SoulCycling retreat in Nice and was immediately struck by his passionate personality and vibrant man-bun. Aaron told me he was a painter who specialized in "dynamic pigment-based energy transfer," painting "soul portraits" of notable men and women with organic and nontoxic dyes tailored to their aura palette. He asked me to sit for a portrait and I of course said yes! His images of me, and many others, are currently up at Galerie Lucie Bernaise. I didn't get a chance to go the last time I was in Paris, because we were getting our bathroom redone and you really have to stick around and make sure that they do the tiling right, but I have a really good feeling about it, so you should totally go. 10 Must-See TED Talks to Expand Your Horizons Without Ever Leaving Your Sensory Deprivation Chamber ©Depositphotos TED Talks are to our modern world what epic poems were to medieval people—a way to not only become informed about the world, but also solve our greatest problems. I always look to TED Talks for guidance about work, love, spirituality, and ways to use the word "innovate" to describe paying strangers to do chores for me—and they never let me down. And I find them especially useful during my daily dip into my sensory deprivation chamber—I know that when you're floating around in there, you're supposed to let your mind go completely blank as you reconnect to the primal nexus of humanity, but sometimes I'd really just rather watch something on my phone. 1 How Mops Work BY CHARLOTTE BAZINGRA If, like me, you've heard a lot about mops but were just never clear on the mechanics, this illuminating 40-minute talk will clear it all up. 2 Is Gluten the Cause of Global Warming?** BY BRYN TALCUMM This brave talk speaks the truth that the corporate-control	1.235878	0.036419	-0.107415	-1.076582	[ 1.4769406139211494, 0.9948148629135857 ]	[ 0.05343004359040485, 0.0194081005455202 ]	[ -0.4726340176281165, 0.25780339768255295 ]	[ -1.1117004849929217, -1.0414634877500937 ]	1,024	[ 512, 512 ]	[ 1177, 349, 1718, 3235, 383, 4375, 29954, 7068, 5690, 317, 4986, 1525, 341, 1299, 1001, 25758, 29903, 317, 8187, 29956, 1672, 6488, 5473, 29925, 7495, 4574, 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led media is too scared to print. 3 Can You Help Your Sweaters Have Higher Self-Esteem? BY CHAZZ CAFTANG Absolutely essential viewing, even for people who don't own any sweaters! 4 You've Been Showering Wrong This Whole Time BY TINA JAGOV Discovering that you've been doing something so wrong your entire life is terrifying, but it will also set you free. 5 How I Learned to Accept My Flaws BY GISELLE FLURGHEIMER Supermodel Flurgheimer's struggle to accept herself (and the shocking revelation of her webbed toes) will connect with anyone who has ever felt imperfect. 6 Slow Breathing BY MILCH FUGLER If you've had your life changed by slow food, slow architecture, slow fashion, and slow travel, this thrilling new slow movement will blow your mind. 7 Am I Barry Manilow? BY LARISSA CAPOEIRA Evolutionary hypnotherapist Capoeira fuses interactive technology, modern dance, and confessional slam poetry to explore the question we each carry inside ourselves: Am I truly myself? Or am I actually Barry Manilow, and just don't know it? 8 I Broke My Jaw BY JAY LEPIESSEN Thought leader Lepiessen breaks the fourth, fifth, and sixth wall as well as his own jaw in this mind-bending talk, where he severely damages his entire mouth while graphically choking on a stale lozenge. 9 Taboo Was the Best Member of the Black Eyed Peas BY DANICE PRESSUPOSE After watching this multimedia presentation, you'll never look at Fergie the same way! 10 You Are Human Garbage and You Need Me to Lead You BY GLENDOLYN POULTRY This engaging talk peels away the layers of artifice in society and gets to an essential yet hard-to-admit truth: you are a trash person who was raised in a toilet bowl, and without my guidance, you will surely perish. To be adapted into a book for release in fall 2018! ©Depositphotos How Will Glop Change Your Life? As I said earlier, Glop is a website, a business, a state of mind, a philosophy, and a really solid tax shelter. But it's also a tool. Like the Bible, _The Da Vinci Code_ , or _Skinny Bitch_ , Glop can only serve up the essential spiritual truths—it's your job to decide whether you'll liquefy them in your blender and actually consume them. Will you discard the things you learned in this book, like last year's Lexus? Tossing off excuses about how they were too "real" or you "didn't have time" or they "didn't make any sense, even when I read the same paragraph several times"? Or will you be brave and put them into action, transforming your life and maybe even becoming a celebrity lifestyle guru in the process? Ha ha, just kidding about the last bit (it's part of a celebrity lifestyle guru's job to have an excellent sense of humor). But with the tips in this book, you _can_ transform yourself and your life. I hope you take what you've learned within these pages and become a healthier you, a happier you—or at the very least, a more digestively regular you. I hope you'll remember the times we shared in these pages, helping you look deep inside your own soul. And I hope you'll remember that lending this book to a friend is basically the same as stealing, and may be prosecuted as such (pending the success of my Senate bid). But more than anything, I hope you'll always cherish your memories of what it was like spending all this time with me—your favorite person. Most of my love, G Acknowledgments No one writes a book without any	0.785939	-0.689681	-0.142923	-0.992688	[ 0.20451214038130094, 1.3673665796012484 ]	[ -0.5894056170997841, -0.7899560182064727 ]	[ -0.03640056126202225, -0.24944480739430086 ]	[ -1.1533224092849679, -0.8320531811557366 ]	1,024	[ 512, 512 ]	[ 839, 5745, 338, 2086, 885, 1965, 304, 1596, 29889, 13, 13, 1068, 29941, 1068, 13, 13, 1068, 6028, 887, 22305, 3575, 317, 705, 10412, 6975, 5057, 261, 21782, 29899, 29923, 1655, 331, 29973, 1068, 13, 13, 22716, 5868, 29909, 29999, 29999, 315, 5098, 29911, 19453, 13, 13, 4920, 2929, 11579, 18853, 1776, 292, 29892, 1584, 363, 2305, 1058, 1016, 29915, 29873, 1914, 738, 7901, 10412, 29991, 13, 13, 1068, 29946, 1068, 13, 13, 1068, 3492, 29915, 345, 1522, 264, 1383, 1680, 292, 399, 29373, 910, 806, 1772, 5974, 1068, 13, 13, 22716, 323, 1177, 29909, 435, 10051, 29949, 29963, 13, 13, 4205, 11911, 292, 393, 366, 29915, 345, 1063, 2599, 1554, 577, 2743, 596, 4152, 2834, 338, 1935, 29878, 9215, 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help from others—trust me, I really tried. However, in the end, I found that I still must thank: Sean Newcott, Carrie Thornton, Emily Homonoff, and everyone else at Dey Street Books, for understanding that the world was finally ready for my wise, earthy musings about colon hydration; Alison Lew and Lisa Story for making sure that my book was pleasing to the eye _and_ did not contain any embarrassing misspellings of the word "ashram"; and Bianca Consunji, for managing to capture both of my good sides in my author photo. I owe much gratitude to Team Glop—Anna Parsons, Arielle Dachille, Benjamin Hart, Emma Lord, Erin Mayer, Mary Grace Garis, Kathryn Kattalia, and Simone Meltesen—who make sure that I wake up each morning to a flawlessly prepared acai bowl. I have never met any of them in person, but am certainly open to doing so in the future, under the right circumstances. I must thank my senior quinoa consultant, Lauren Bans, who was the first person to tell me that I had a duty to commit my moisturizing routines to the historical record. I would also like to extend appreciation to my spiritual advisor/transcendental manicurist, Julie Alvin, who said, "Hey, are you game for steaming your vagina?" Further thanks to Steph Georgopolis, Jia Tolentino, Sarah Mirk, and Margaret Eby for taking early chances on the writing of a young, scrappy, unproven Academy Award–winning actress. I would like to express deep gratitude to my father, Dan Molerio, for not being mad that I am way more famous than him. And Jesse Rifkin: you are the stars to my night sky, the yin to my yang, the Edge to my Bono. I am finally ready to forgive you for what happened at Lenny Kravitz's château—please come home. * * * DESPERATELY NEED EVEN MORE GLOP IN YOUR LIFE? Pick up some of our exclusive e-books: The Glop Guide to Ethically and Sustainably Sourced Oxygen 10 Fun Stem Cell Moisturizing Repair Masques to Make at Home Is Listening When a Police Officer Says, "Ma'am, I Am Not a Valet, and You Have Driven Through the Front Window of a Walmart" Toxic? Restorative Yoga Poses for When Sting Is Mad at You The Glop Astrology Guide to Buying the Right Birkin Bag * * * About the Author GABRIELLE MOSS lives in New York City, where she once tried to go on a juice fast (she made it through the first five hours, then ate a burrito). Her writing has appeared on _Slate_ , _GQ.com_ , _The Hairpin_ , _Bitch_ , _the Toast_ , _Bustle_ , and many other fine websites. Follow her on Twitter @gaby_moss. Discover great authors, exclusive offers, and more at hc.com. Credits Cover design by Lex Maudlin Cover photograph © Bill Diodato / Getty Images Cover images: © Shutterstock (details) Copyright GLOP. Copyright © 2016 by Gabrielle Moss. All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the nonexclusive, nontransferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse-engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books. 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On hot, summer days, the last place you would want to be is up on a roof – especially without footwear on. But scientists at Masdar Institute have developed a paint that cools so much you can remove your shoes and walk around on any surface covered with it. They are hoping the cool paint will be used throughout Abu Dhabi and the UAE, believing it could significantly reduce the environmental cost of running air-conditioning units. Its developers, Watergy International Group, claim the paint could reduce a building's surface temperature by 20 per cent. This in turn would reduce the cooling load of the building as a whole, energy consumption and carbon dioxide production. The technology was tested on a 197-square-metre area of the roof at the Masdar field station, where Watergy workers painted a third of the area with gray cool paint, which matched the original colour of the concrete, a third was painted white, while the remainder of open roof area was left uncoated. Stepping on to the cool painted area, everyone took their shoes off under the glaring sun and started strolling around the cool roof. The difference between the painted and non-painted areas was immediately noticeable. Peter Armstrong, associate professor of mechanical engineering at Masdar Institute, said that the white paint is the coolest, but based on architectural requests, the paint could be provided in other colours, such as grey and black. "It is best to have white on the roof because no one can see it up there," he said. Measuring the temperature on the unpainted area at 9.30am on a toasty Abu Dhabi morning, the reading was 46.6°C. Moving to the coated area it was 24.9°C. Prof Armstrong believes it is not only buildings that could benefit. He suggested painting the streets with it as "the cooling load of the AC in the car will be less". He explained that when a car's air conditioning is turned up, while the car might be nice and chilled, you are adding to the heat of the street and the surrounding environment. The secret to the cooling is titanium dioxide, a chemical used in sunscreens because of its excellent reflective qualities. Prof Armstrong says the paint would have more dramatic effects on buildings with poor insulation. "A typical villa with concrete or block walls with no insulation benefits the most from this paint – which is the case in most of Abu Dhabi," he said. Another useful way to take advantage of the paint is to apply it to AC units on roofs of buildings. Industrial areas and warehouses could also benefit greatly. Cool paint costs as much as any good-quality paint, "so it is not so expensive, yet worth the other savings", Mr Zori said. The paint has already been tested on a hangar roof in Sharjah and a supermarket in Milan, Italy with positive results. Meanwhile, Watergy has signed a memorandum of understanding with Masdar worth Dh10 million to test the paint in two 50,000-square-metre areas of Abu Dhabi. Prof Armstrong is keen to get started painting straight away. Aldar Properties [Abu Ahbi's largest] is to introduce strict resale restrictions on its latest launches in an attempt to curb speculation. The Abu Dhabi developer… plans to prevent buyers from selling units until they have paid 50 per cent of the purchase price…. Speculation on off-plan property sales was one of the elements blamed for fuelling the UAE property bubble that burst dramatically in 2008. As property prices rocketed, speculators turned to "flipping" off-plan homes by putting down small deposits on them and then selling the contract on for a quick profit, inflating prices even further. The practice has prompted companies such as Emaar to attempt to curb speculation by saying it would refuse to transfer the names on purchase agreements until buyers had paid up to 40 per cent of the value of the home. Nonetheless brokers say that speculators have been getting around the new restrictions by drawing up their own agreements to sell, regardless of the required contractual milestones. Properties sold by Emaar under similar rules have appeared for sale on property website Dubizzle just hours after they were purchased off-plan, often at much higher prices. 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In fact, if there were a land called Procrastinationia, I'd totally be the queen of that place. Instead of ordering executions and demanding tax increases, It'd be decreed that scheduling events would be punishable by death or giving me a pedicure, criminal's choice. The truth is, I need a deadline. When left to my own devices, it can take me ages to get around to something I need to do. Those of you who won critique from my contest know this is true. I'm also terribly forgetful. If I've slept since I agreed to something, I need to be reminded. Sleep erases my short term memory, therefore the premise of 50 First Dates was totally believable to me. If anyone was expecting a point to this post, I don't have one. I was just sharing some random thoughts. I wrote a blog post a couple days ago, but blogger ate it and I got mad, cursed at it, then walked away. Now I forgot what I blogged about, so you get this randomness instead. Clearly, it wasn't earth shattering information or worth remembering, so you're probably better off. Speaking of earth shattering, do you ever feel pressure to hurry up and get published before the world ends in 2012? I mostly don't believe it, but part of my psyche has latched onto it and knows the world with blow up one day BEFORE my release date. Let me apologize in advance to mankind for making the world end. I'm sure I have the power to control the cosmos. It's in that other 90% of my brain that I don't use often. Lesser Evils - pretty much abandoned at this point. I'll revisit it if I ever get an agent. Postmortal - 26 rejections, 23 awaiting response, and at least 5 of those are going to be no response = no. 16 of those were sent in recent history, so I haven't given up on them yet. Partial requests: 5, rejected: 4. Full MS requested: 2, rejected: 1. 'cuz i think i could rock the mask and robe... and we'd just never get around to the killing, but if we did i could sneak the toe- phobic condemned away with my clever distraction tactics.. I really like the new look to your blog. Colorful without being too bright. I am the last dinosaur : I think my black cast looks elegant. But I also think there are deep philosophical insights in XENA, too. LOL. Procrastination was an enemy for most of the great writers. It is a part of being human to drag our feet in approaching a task that is so consuming. Oops. I meant to reply to your 2012 comment about needing to be published before the End comes. I have resigned myself to the fact that I will never be published. It is akin to some in a battle accepting that they are going to be killed. It shifts the focus from staying alive to fighting well. I write because I must. I strive to become better for the satisfaction of spinning a more effective, more evocative tale. If I never get published, I at least grew as a craftsman and as a creative spirit. And I met a lot of great blogging friends. Not too shabby a fate. Aw crap. I hadn't thought about that whole "world coming to an end in 2012" thing. Can I live in your land of Procrastinationia? I can be your minstrel sitting beside your throne. I feel you here. Deadlines are a necessity. Also, that 2012 thing has crossed my mind a bit too frequently to be healthy. I think I'd like to be the court jester, otherwise known as the "Fool". How much fun would we have. And as for the world blowing up in 2012, nah, that's just another story. Can I be a Countess? In school, I was the late-Sunday-nighter. I'm pretty much the same now. You could come look at my house sometimes and become a believer. I work much better under a deadline. Well, I work much better at the last possible minute of a deadline. 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The question is easy: what is the LOA of your boat? I am asking this because someone in an other forum seriously insists that 80 foot is not too much for a couple for circumnavigation. Mine is only 27 feet loa. Despite the dimunitive length, a boat of the same class has crossed the Atlantic 3 times in each direction and another has sailed to Australia from Sweden. Many others have distinguished themselves in long and tough voyages. Of course, 40 years ago this was more or less the normal size of most cruising yachts. It is not only the average person who has increased in size during that time. The question of size is an important one. I think it to be just as wrong to go to big as it is to go too small. The boat should fit the crew and vice versa. In other words, 80 feet loa may be too big for just two people to handle just as no one would want to be on my boat with 5 or 6 people aboard. I tend to sail alone or with only my 11 year-old son so I would have difficulties if my boat was much bigger. Today the size of the boat is defined by the demands of the owner. But today's demands and expectations are indeed different: We want refrigeration, maybe air conditioning, full worldwide communication, flatscreen TV, hifi music entertainment - erything like at home. We want seperate state rooms, guest rooms, seperate baths and showers and all conveniences concerning the gear. And spacious interiours, like at home. And why should we sit downstairs when a deck-saloon could provide a perfect panorama view over the anchorage?Â* It has to do with living on board as a life style. In former times it was sailing as a life style by giving up many anemities. At the end it is a matter of own demands and expectations: Living aboard can be done on on 16ft (Shrimpy) or on 26ft, or - more convenient - on 27ft with standing headroom, as Stephen pointed out, or on 32ft as we did it for more then 2 years. There is always a reason of a couple more feet in length. Oh, not to forget, that the handling got easier over the years! Roller furling on main and headsail makes the handling so much easier, even on bigger boats. Bigger engines, bow thrusters. All that makes it very easy to move 60ft yachts with two persons - just pushing buttons. Â*Just saw an ad of the new 20m long AMEL-Ketch. Wondeful, big, easy handling for two persons! The size and weight of sails that need to be moved do no longer restrict the size of the rigging. So, why should one settle with a small, slow sailing boat to live on if the marked and the own financial situation offers better solutions? And this does not only apply to liveaboard yachts. It is a general developement in yachting. There is no absolute minimum size when talking about living aboard. I have an Ingrid 38 and most would say that it would have a LOA of 38'. Then some might say LOD (Length On Deck). Or the marina manager wouldn't except anything less than Tip of BowSprit to (in my case) aft edge of rudder. So I pay moorage rent on about 45'. Yacht design spec.s general refer to the LOA between a vertical line at the stem and stern (not including the outboard rudder). This LOA is useful in several calculation having to do with the boats performance and handy-cap, etc. One important spec to cruisers and racers, is LWL or water line length and this is important to the boats Hull Speed. It won't matter how much sail you carry or how strong the wind, Hull Speed it a constant (limiting) factor. Once your boat reaches hull speed, performance drops off, the quarter wave move so far aft that the hull "squat" in the trough and can't climb out. My point here is that LWL is important but if the boat size and equipment are too heavy for one person to handle then even a crew of two (couple) can't handle it for more than a day or two. Type of rigs effect this factor, a split rig means somewhat smaller sail areas and more combination to reduce too. 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a too small a crew, daily run may be reduced since sail area will be reduce when only one person is on watch, or the crew may choose to reduce sail so the off watch crew member won't have to be called on deck if conditions change. I sail single handed mostly, since I don't want to miss an opportunity to go sailing for want of a crew. However, when I reached my late 60s now early 70s, I find I don't get underway for months (and now years) since I'm not confident I can handle the sails on my Ingrid by myself. I can initially, but reduce and motor/sail when condition are unsure. I also anchor earlier now, to avoid problems in finding an anchorage or marina. Our Moderator (BowPeep), Brenda & David are exceptions in most of the above, since they sail a traditional schooner (they can tell us their Specs). I, myself, love to sail and set sail on a traditional gaff rig but my last experience was back in the early 60s when I had a gaff rigged yawl. I can't say it was a simple or uneventful experience, since I was de-masted off Pt Loma in San Diego. Even after that experience, I still rerigged her with a new main mast, gaff head. Never had a winch until I got my Cheoy Lee (Clipper 33) in the early 90s. First self tailing are on my present Ingrid and now I have 6 big and nice two speed winches. To be honest, I would have to point out, for a couple of retirement age, they should try for a boat with a LOA in the 40 ft range with a split, modern rig. Moderate to heavy displacement for comfort off shore. Then make sure they have plenty of good quality winches and anchor windlass (elect. with manual backup). Working anchors generally go one lb per ft of LOA with a much heavier storm anchor (stored low). You get my idea, I'm sure. My opinion for what it's worth. How long one wishes to go cruising also plays a role in the decision process. One can do anything for a year or two but when thinking about a decade or more of living on a boat, one starts to consider many different things like hobbies and lifestyle issues. It is reasonable to do so--not everyone has the same needs or the same lifestyle. Nor is the use of money--lots of it--in the purchase of a suitable vessel a "sin" but rather a luxury that some people are lucky enough to have. Within reason, having a little bit larger boat can save a cruiser money in the long run simply because of ability to anchor out rather than always visit marinas, carry sufficient provisions (and provision big where items are cheap) and be happy on the boat rather than feeling like one "needs" to go ashore to get away from cramped living conditions. I would happily cruise on a very small boat but we'd have to leave many hobbies behind which, though many are unrelated to yachting, are quite important to us. Thus, we're on a "big boat." Our definition of a boat that was the "right size" was one that could be sailed by two people alone for long periods of time, was less than 7 ft draft, had a pilothouse, charthouse or deck saloon for use with high latitude sailing (second inside steering station), was big enough to take a 17 ft canoe on deck without the canoe interfering with the sailing or the sailing damaging the canoe, was small enough to fit in most marinas (less than 60 ft) and big enough that if we had to anchor for months or years we'd not feel like we were camping out. We didn't fancy huge sails so wanted a split rig. We were agnostic about whether the rig was ketch, schooner, or yawl. Now that we have a schooner, we're glad that we ended up with one. One last, aesthetic issue was that we wanted a pre-WWII boat. Nothing practical about that, we just wanted to cruise and live on a historic vessel as we knew that would make us happy--and it does. However, such an old boat required extensive rebuild in order to make it bluewater capable again. And that was a costly endeavor as well. Having said that--we're 46 ft LWL, 47 ft "	0.399006	-0.310963	-0.116609	-0.197969	[ -0.27350458433926644, 1.0715166869375161 ]	[ -0.6001493885876424, -0.02177635682460333 ]	[ -0.3997170881483188, 0.1664987207687193 ]	[ -0.42363804904003377, 0.027699692501841636 ]	1,024	[ 512, 512 ]	[ 263, 2086, 2319, 263, 17616, 29892, 14218, 1065, 1122, 367, 12212, 1951, 14892, 4038, 674, 367, 10032, 746, 871, 697, 2022, 338, 373, 6505, 29892, 470, 278, 17616, 1122, 6755, 304, 10032, 14892, 577, 278, 1283, 6505, 17616, 4509, 2113, 29915, 29873, 505, 304, 367, 2000, 373, 19810, 565, 5855, 1735, 29889, 13, 29902, 14892, 2323, 29692, 11149, 29892, 1951, 306, 1016, 29915, 29873, 864, 304, 3052, 385, 15130, 304, 748, 14892, 292, 363, 864, 310, 263, 17616, 29889, 2398, 29892, 746, 306, 7450, 590, 5683, 29871, 29953, 29900, 29879, 1286, 4688, 29871, 29955, 29900, 29879, 29892, 306, 1284, 306, 1016, 29915, 29873, 679, 1090, 1582, 363, 7378, 313, 392, 1286, 2440, 29897, 1951, 306, 29915, 29885, 451, 24332, 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verticals" (the USCG measurement from stem to rudder post), 53'4" LOA (old meaning) or LOD (new term), and a whopping 69 ft (we thought it was 67' until we actually measured... ) "sparred length" or LOA that the marinas make you pay for. When we ship (hinge up/inboard) the 11 ft bowsprit, we're 58 ft of paying length in the marinas. 29 gross tons displacement and 6'4" draft. Most important numbers--LWL and gross tonnage IMHO. The first will tell us how fast we can go, the latter will tell us how much momentum we might have to deal with stopping at the dock! When we realized that we were going to get into a big boat and that we wanted a pre-WWII classic, we got very picky about the boat design to be handled by just two people. The boat we purchased was originally designed and built in 1931 for a man who specified that it must be able to be sailed and maintained by two people: by a yachtsman and "his man" (meaning his servant). Thus, two people. We know that original owner sailed without a servant but rather with his wife and their four small children. We also know that two other previous owners sailed the boat single handed for decades. Large boat, but rigged right, can be sailed safely alone. We spoke with the fellow who owned this boat in the 1970's and he even did a 1 month long passage from Hawaii to Washington State alone w/o an autopilot and w/o fancy nav equipment, radar, etc. The only calamity was that he broke a toe on the binnacle base and almost broke another on the staysail horse. Things important to our ability to use the boat singlehanded or short crew include sail area and size of each sail. We have 1650 sf sail area (600+ sf Bermuda main, 500+ sf gaff fore, 200+ sf smallest jib, 200+ sf staysail). The mainsail weighs over 100 lbs with its heavy bronze sail cars. There is no way for one person, alone, to bend on that sail. Luckily, one wouldn't have to do so, though. The foresail is almost as large, weighing about 80 lbs and lacing onto its spars. It can easily be bent on by one person alone, though. If I had to climb out onto that bowsprit, I'd never set the jib. We have no furler or roller reefer but will consider getting a wire-luff type furler at some point. Right now, we use a tricing line and downhaul to douse the jib in a hurry. That works, but it takes 2 people to manage sheet, halyard, and tricing line. The sheet and tricing line go back to the cockpit where the helmsman (me) can manage it and the halyard is managed at the foremast on the foredeck. While we do have the luxury of sheet, halyard, and reefing line winches, much of our rigging is just as it was in 1931--and it works amazingly well to sail this boat with just two people. The gaff-rigged foresail is a dream to work with--now that we have proper lazy-jacks/boom lift system that is. It has a 4:1 purchase with the blocks on throat and peak halyards--while that means miles of running rigging it also means that even a wimp like me can raise the sail without problems. The mainsail, on a track, is run up and then requires a halyard winch and a strong arm to set it tight. It is very difficult to reef either main or foresail unless there are two people doing the reefing. Thus, if one person is sailing alone, one would have to drop an entire sail (easier than reefing) rather than reef both. So, some things are a bit "much" for a single (weak) person like me. Others are just fine. Big boat means big chain, big anchor, big everything. It all costs more and it all weighs more. There are many things I have a hard time lifting and many things that we must use a halyard or boom to lift and move around deck. 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power windlass and to have to be a little crafty about dealing with all that "big" stuff. We've yet to actually install the autopilot and use it--even though we've sailed (with 3 people) up the coast of California from San Diego to San Francisco and we've been sailing around So. Cal and now SF Bay for oh, a year and 4 months now. That's because this big, heavy boat tracks amazingly well and handles the seas amazingly well. So, while "little" has its many pluses, "big" works out amazingly well, too. We don't have refrigeration and lots of yachty gizmos on this big boat. Many folks would be unhappy with our simple life. Our boat, well, she's just...big...and that works for us. There is a lot to be said for boats in the 40 foot range. When I was shopping about, trying one boat over another, I found that with the right rig and setup I can single hand a 40 footer comfortably. Anything larger than that and I have to have crew. So it's about the largest size boat that can be single handed, while being around the smallest size boat that can be comfortably lived aboard (for one's own personal idea of "comfort" which for me includes a eutectic fridge, freezer, standing head room, and an aft cabin). I am also a big fan of a forward facing nav table, and they are much harder to come by on boats less than 40 foot. I can do without the scuba tanks, camping gear, and the tender (I have an inflatable which does fine) but I do like the ability to get all sails up and down on my own if needs be. Agree about the forward facing nav table. In our case, it resides in the charthouse so I have a view all around while doing my nav work. That view is wonderfully helpful. What makes 40' the size for you regarding rig? Is it a cutter/sloop you're talking about? What is the sf of the main and foresails? I imagine that they're similar to a larger split rig like we have. Manageable sail size is critical to successful short handed sailing for sure. One of the gaff rigged boats we looked at was a mid-50 ft ketch with almost equal height foremast and mainmast and similarly sized sails. Each sail was 650 sf. The owners were a retired couple in their 70's and they were selling the boat because the wife (a very petite woman, I might add...) could no longer raise the sails by herself--thus they felt it was not safe for them to cruise on the boat. Being a classic old boat, they didn't want to ruin the traditional rig by changing it to Bermuda or adding winches (the boat had no winches but rather it relied on blocks as our foresail does). I'd find it very useful to learn what size sails people are finding "too big" or just right. We don't have huge headsails while many sloops and cutters do. I'd be overwhelmed by such large headsails as many cruisers fly on much smaller vessels. Having extended my 42ft catamaran to 52ft - found that the advantage of beaching, also provided the opportunity of giving the hulls a good wipe down BUT 52 x 2 = 104 ft of port and starboard. Seldom enough time to finish the job before the tide turned. I was lucky enough to be able to go cruising for 7 years in my 40s and had a 38 foot steel ketch. which was ample for two. Now I am retired on my forever boat and will spend my days gunkholing around the Caribbean. She is a 44 foot cutter, a cruising boat built into an old IOR hull. . I can singlehand her and she is MUCH faster than my old tin boat and has the BIGGEST shower I have ever seen on a boat. Think Travis Magee and the Busted Flush. I have an electric anchor winch the only major upgrade I made and I regard this as essential. If I do not like my anchor spot it is no big deal to recover and anchor again, even in 60 feet with 200 feet of chain out. Many think a big boat equalls lots of room... true! 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PLEASE USE AS LEDE Jack Ingram, Mack Brown and Matthew McConaughey on the links during Mack, Jack & McConaughey in 2013. Top 5 first-year Texas coaching records Posted November 28th, 2016 Joe Harrington American-Statesman Staff [email protected] Tom Herman is the new coach of the Texas Longhorns. In his introductory press conference, Herman talked about how pressure and not being prepared are connected. It's a good line for a new coach at a new school. But how well did other first-year coaches handle the pressure at Texas in year one? Here are the five best records from a coach in his first year at Texas: 5. David McWilliams, 1987 Former Texas head coach David McWilliams chats with reporters at Memorial Stadium in 1987. Texas went 7-5 in McWilliams' first season. That's more wins than Darrell Royal's 6-4-1 record in 1957 (more losses too). Things were a little bleak when McWilliams lost to No. 5 Auburn 31-3 in his first game at Texas then fell 22-17 to unranked BYU at home. His first win came against Oregon State 61-16 and, despite losing to Oklahoma and Texas A&M, McWilliams did beat No. 15-ranked Arkansas and won the Bluebonnet Bowl, 32-27, over Pittsburgh to wrap the season up. He went 5-2 in the Southwest Conference, finishing tied for second. 4. Ed Price, 1951 Texas went 7-3 in Price's first year. The Longhorns went 3-3 in the SWC. How about this: Price's first game at Texas was against a No. 6-ranked Kentucky team coached by some dude named Bear Bryant. Yes, that Bear Bryant. Texas beat Kentucky 7-6 at home. Price then beat No. 11-ranked Oklahoma 9-7 and No. 13-ranked TCU 32-21. The low points came in losses to Texas A&M and Baylor. This was back in an era where only a few teams made bowl games, so Texas did not head to a bowl. 3. Mack Brown, 1998 Brown arrived at Texas following a successful run at his alma mater, North Carolina. He inherited a running back named Ricky Williams, an offensive lineman named Leonard Davis, a defensive lineman named Casey Hampton and a defensive back named Quentin Jammer (seriously coach John Mackovic, you went 4-7 in 1997?). Brown used that talent and a freshman quarterback named Major Applewhite to go 9-3 in his first year. Williams won the Heisman Trophy after Brown was able to convince him to return to campus. He also became the all-time leading rusher in NCAA history. Texas beat Texas A&M, Oklahoma and Nebraska that season. Texas finished second in the Big 12 South at 6-2. Brown was 1-2 after three weeks, but finished 8-1 and wrapped it up with a 38-11 Cotton Bowl win. And oh yeah, Tom Herman was a graduate assistant if you haven't seen the parade picture: University of Texas Heisman Trophy winning running back Ricky Williams is saluted by the thousands as they lined Congress Ave. during a parade celebrating Williams and the UT football team's winning season Thursday afternoon January 29, 1999. Here Williams waves to fans in the highrises as he is flanked by Graduate Assistant football coaches Tom Herman, left, and Oscar Giles, right. (M.Kelly story) 2. Blair Cherry, 1947 Taking over for Dana X. Bible, Cherry had one of the greatest quarterbacks in Texas history, Hall of Famer Bobby Layne, under center. Texas went 10-1, the lone loss coming to SMU 14-13, and beat Texas A&M 32-12, Oklahoma 34-14, Arkansas 21-6, Texas Tech 33-0 and Baylor 28-7. 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VIATORIS is the flagship of Conrad Shipyard based in Gdansk, Poland.Her exterior design is by Reymond Langton & naval architecture by Diana Yacht Design - the same team behind the 2013 40m Hakvoort APOSTROPHE.Full displacement steel hull, aluminum superstructure, built according to and under survey of Lloyd's Register and in compliance with MCA LY3 for vessels of less than 500GT. United Yacht Sales New Jersey would love to guide you through a personal showing of this 131' Conrad 2018. This yacht for sale is located in Croatia and priced at $21,160,656. For a showing please contact us by filling out the form on this page and we will get back to you shortly! VIATORIS which was launched in Spring 2018 and is the flagship of Conrad Shipyard based in Gdansk, Poland.Her exterior design is by Reymond Langton & naval architecture by Diana Yacht Design - the same team behind the 2013 40m Hakvoort APOSTROPHE.The brief behind VIATORIS by her experienced owner was to create an elegant yet comfortable interior and extremelylivableexterior spaces and I feel that was accomplished.VIATORIS is a full displacement steel hull, aluminum superstructure yacht built according to and under survey of Lloyd's Register and in compliance with MCA LY3 for vessels of less than 500GT. 1.3. CLASS, REGULATIONS, SURVEYC133/VIATORIS including her construction, machinery and essential equipment was built accordingto and under survey of LLOYD'S REGISTER with class notation 100A1 SSC Yacht Mono G6, LMC and in compliance with MCA LY3 for vessels of less than 500GT.1.4. COMPLEMENTThe Yacht was designed and outfitted to accommodate the following complement:Cabin Area No. of berths CapacityOwner Main deck 1 x double berth 2Guest 1 Cabin deck 1 x double berth 2Guest 2 Cabin deck 1 x double berth 2Guest 3 Cabin deck 1 x double berth 2Guest 4 Cabin deck 1 x double berth 2Crew 1 Cabin deck 2 x single berth 2Crew 2 Cabin deck 2 x single berth 2Captain Bridge deck 2 x single berth 2Total Owner and guest 10Total crew 6Total complement 162.1. GENERAL REMARKSSteel and aluminium alloy used for construction of CONRAD 133 are of the highest quality materials from EU located mills, always provided with quality certificates. Hull and superstructure construction built by qualified workers and under supervision of LLOYD'S REGISTER. Hull and superstructure construction sandblasted from outside and inside in areas where the paint will be applied. INTERNATIONAL/AWLGRIP paint system applied according to instructions of paint manufacturer.2.2. HULL LINESThe hull is full displacement round bilge hull, with integrated swim platform, straight keel and bulbous bow, optimized for best performance.2.3. HULL & WEATHER DECK CONSTRUCTIONHull and weather deck welded throughout steel construction. Unless specified otherwise, grade A shipbuilding steel used in hull construction and designated areas of superstructure. Reference shall be made to relevant regulations of Classification Society for manufacturing and testing of the steel. Plates and sections sandblasted and protected with the primer. Prefabricated steel sections sandblasted to SA2.5. Engine room situated under salon separated with watertight bulkheads. Hull equipped with integral fuel, fresh water, sewage and oil tanks as per contract GA plan and associated drawings. Tank interior construction executed in such a way that any liquids will run freely to the deepest point. Tanks equipped with manholes and proper connections. The hull divided into watertight compartments according to governing regulations. Two units of sliding watertight doors fitted on cabin deck between the subdivision compartments of the yacht, according to governing regulations. 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elegantly concealed in surrounding decorative interior furniture.2.4. FIXED BALLASTBuilder will be allowed to install lead ballast to trim the vessel. Such ballast will be properly installed in the hull at location agreed upon with Naval Architect.2.5. SUPERSTRUCTURESuperstructure construction above the steel deck fabricated of 5083 H111 aluminium alloy and applicable extruded profiles of 6082 T6 aluminium alloy. Connection with steel hull structure with use of bimetallic explosion bond strip, TRICLAD or equivalent.3. MAIN ENGINES & PROPULSIONC133/VIATORIS is powered by two diesel main engines CATERPILLAR C18 ACERT B-rated 500kW@2100 rpm, equipped with ZF W650 gearboxes, working in twin propeller installation. Two oil and water lubricated propeller shaft installations, make RUBBER DESIGN, with 5-blade 1300mm fixed pitch type propellers, make VAN VOORDEN.4.1. RUDDER MACHINEJASTRAM hydraulic steering system, 35 degrees rudder angle in both directions; one independent hydraulic power unit located in aft tech space; one steering pump for manual servo hydraulic and one for manual emergency steering.4.2. THRUSTERSThe vessel has been equipped with bow and stern tunnel thrusters, make VERHAAR OMEGA. Each thruster provided with 4-blade propellers and rated at 55kW, operated by squirrel cage electric motor 400V/3ph/50Hz. Such arrangement provides very good manoeuvrability even under less favourable weather conditions. Thrusters controls installed in the wheelhouse and on both wing stations.5. AIR-CONDITIONING, HEATING & VENTILATIONAll living accommodations are air-conditioned, supplied from the central WEBASTO chiller of capacity of 448.000 BTU installed in the engine room. System includes mechanical ventilation system with fresh air make-up where fresh air is pre-cooled or pre-heated before supply to accommodations. Heating function performed by AC fan coil units that supplied with hot water from in-line electric heaters.Air-conditioning was designed to meet following design conditions:Summer outside air: 35·C orSummer inside air: 22·C andWinter outside air: 0·C Winter inside air: 22·C andSummer sea water temperature: 32·C Winter sea water temperature: 0·C 6.1 FRESH WATER SYSTEMPressurized fresh water system, two water pressure pumps and circulation pumps, supplying cold and hot water to all fresh water consumers. Cold fresh water supplied to water heaters, toilets and bidets flushing, fuel separator (by means of faucet in ER), windscreen wipers, watermakers flushing system, deck washing and domestic equipment. Access for routine maintenance provided to all main components of the system. Two electrical water heaters, each of capacity of 200 litres, provide hot water supply. Two SEA RECOVERY AQUAMATIC 1400-2 watermakers installed, each of capacity of 1.400 gallons (5.300 liters) per day. Fresh water produced by watermakers transferred directly to one of two integrated fresh water tanks. Watermakers supplied from dedicated raw water intake. Fresh water installations: GEORG FISCHER system.6.2 RAW WATER INSTALLATIONRaw water installation fed from two central intakes located in the engine room, equipped with sea valves and strainers, connected by means of manifold. Main raw water consumers are: main engines, generators, air-conditioning system, sewage treatment system, and ER heat exchangers. Raw water pipelines made of galvanised steel or CuNiFe depending on salinity, fittings made of stainless steel, steel or cast iron.6.3 SEWAGE SYSTEMSewage system consists of three integrated sewage tanks and one sludge tank. All sewage is discharged to sewage tanks, from	-1.133661	0.032838	-0.522249	0.243613	[ -0.9117733342526889, -1.3555481732482872 ]	[ 0.1948897015138726, -0.12921407170318644 ]	[ -0.5883500144112738, -0.4561484509631188 ]	[ 0.41010112193501563, 0.07712572759864643 ]	1,024	[ 512, 512 ]	[ 10618, 10835, 10628, 7943, 297, 18830, 10200, 1230, 13290, 15252, 17252, 29889, 29906, 29889, 29946, 29889, 383, 6415, 3352, 350, 1964, 4375, 1254, 5627, 674, 367, 6068, 304, 2601, 3275, 8287, 579, 304, 17151, 278, 21239, 29889, 10506, 8287, 579, 674, 367, 6284, 5130, 297, 278, 298, 913, 472, 4423, 15502, 2501, 411, 21590, 2595, 4496, 29889, 29906, 29889, 29945, 29889, 317, 4897, 1001, 10810, 29965, 1783, 11499, 19111, 23905, 7632, 2038, 278, 22973, 19810, 18187, 630, 310, 29871, 29945, 29900, 29947, 29941, 379, 29896, 29896, 29896, 394, 9735, 1974, 394, 2376, 322, 22903, 17541, 566, 287, 28723, 310, 29871, 29953, 29900, 29947, 29906, 323, 29953, 394, 9735, 1974, 394, 2376, 29889, 15160, 411, 22973, 298, 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which it is transferred to sewage treatment plant make: HAMANN HL-Cont PLUS 02 Slim. Grey water from galley sinks led via local grease separators. Electric toilets in each bathroom. Sewage installations made of PVC-U, make GEORG FISCHER or equal.6.4 BILGE & FIRE FIGHTING SYSTEMBilge and firefighting system, serving all watertight compartments of the vessel, with capacity meeting Class Regulations, installed in accordance with good shipbuilding practice. System operated by three pumps: electric bilge pump, electric firefighting pump, and Diesel emergency pump. Main bilge pump and pump servicing main firefighting line interchangeable through the use of valves. Anchors flushing carried by use of firefighting line. Chain lockers drained directly overboard. Bilge and firefighting pipelines built of galvanised and stainless steel.6.5 COMPRESSED AIR SYSTEMCentral compressed air system with a service pressure of 8 bar supplies vessel horn and transom gate inflatable gasket. Additionally, there are provided connections of pneumatic tools in the engine room, garage and forepeak. System supplied from compressor installed in aft tech space, make: GIANNESCHI. Optional independent diving air compressor installed in aft peak, make: BAUER JUNIOR-II.6.6 FUEL SYSTEMFuel system, supplying main engines and generators, arranged and installed in accordance with good marine practice and Class Regulations. In general, there are seven integrated fuel tanks and one day tank installed; fuel transfer shall be by means of fuel transport pump (or emergency hand pump), through fuel manifold. Fuel will be serviced by ALFA LAVAL fuel separator and transported to day tank, from which it will be transferred by local fuel pumps to Diesel consumers. System shall be equipped with remote cut-off valves installed on day tank. Two bunker stations, one on each side. System pipelines made of steel.6.7 LUBRICATING OIL SYSTEMPressurized oil fill and discharge system. Lubricating oil consumers onboard are main engines, gearboxes and generator - all consumers use the same type of lubricating oil. Lubricating oil distributed by means of electric transport pump (or emergency hand pump) to oil line with quick release connection. Used lubricating oil will be transferred through quick release connections from consumers and transported to waste oil tank by means of oil pump. Using valves, waste oil pump shall operate also as waste oil tank discharge pump.6.8 EXHAUST SYSTEMTwo dry/wet exhaust lines for main engines including dry silencers, by-pass above waterline and water mixers, make TIO BV. Dry silencers installed on a dedicated frame connected to the engine room bottom structure. Two dry/wet exhaust lines for generators, including dry silencers, water mixers and separators, make HALYARD.6.9 HYDRAULIC SYSTEMOne dedicated hydraulic unit, make FEEBE, installed in aft tech space to supply following hydraulic consumers:- gangway- transom gate- folding bulwarks- folding balconies- steering gear, make JASTRAM, equipped with independent hydraulic power pack powered by 400 VAC driven hydraulic pump and manual hydraulic steering in aft peak for emergency manoeuvring- deck crane, make BESENZONI, equipped with independent power pack7.1 MAIN DECKBetween port and starboard stairs to the bathing platform, integrated bench seat with a fixed dining table are built as an integral part of the hull in main deck stern area. One sink on port side, under mounted into counter top. Access to main deck saloon through sliding door installed aft, make: OPACMARE 2T11 or equal. Custom built glazed stainless manual doors in saloon on both sides installed to reveal the descending bulwarks. Owner's stateroom features custom built manual stainless doors with adjoining folding parts of bulwark on both sides forming small side balconies.7.2 BRIDGE DECKOn aft bridge deck under the roof and against bulwark on PS there is L	-1.169272	-0.269667	-0.855606	0.053713	[ -1.311718559520327, -1.0268260702885847 ]	[ -0.22434121508526525, -0.31499178701406977 ]	[ -0.9722734996288176, -0.7389393252934648 ]	[ 0.004287360087565677, 0.10313943028117528 ]	1,024	[ 512, 512 ]	[ 607, 372, 338, 18440, 304, 409, 29893, 482, 14502, 8024, 1207, 29901, 379, 29909, 1529, 10262, 379, 29931, 29899, 1323, 16507, 3308, 29871, 29900, 29906, 317, 2576, 29889, 25529, 4094, 515, 6898, 2330, 269, 19363, 5331, 3025, 1887, 1395, 559, 2903, 4097, 29889, 26953, 304, 488, 1372, 297, 1269, 27683, 8345, 29889, 317, 809, 482, 2601, 800, 1754, 310, 349, 8257, 29899, 29965, 29892, 1207, 402, 29923, 1955, 29954, 383, 3235, 3210, 1001, 470, 5186, 29889, 29953, 29889, 29946, 350, 6227, 1692, 669, 9338, 1525, 383, 22530, 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-shaped service bar built in aluminium with composite countertop and barstools. Integrated seating built as an integral part of the superstructure in bridge deck aft area on SB. Access to bridge deck skylounge through sliding door installed aft, make: OPACMARE 2135.05. Integrated bench seat with fixed tables constructed in front of wheelhouse as an integral part of superstructure. Raised sunbathing pads in port and starboard forward of the wheelhouse, with a walkway in between leading to bow area. Hydraulic tender crane, make: BESENZONI G.711, installed in bow area.7.3 SUN DECKAntenna mast construction with an arch installed on sun deck serving as antenna support structure, with integrated provisions for vent pipes, cable ducts, inspection hatches, etc. Underneath the arch separated glass-enclosed areas with fitness centre equipped with training wall and running mill on port side and glass-walled cozy sauna, custom built on starboard side. In front of the arch C-shaped integrated sofas with fixed coffee tables constructed on both sides. Forward of the sofas steps leading to built-in hydrospa, make: TEUCO.8. INTERIORCustom designed and custom made interiors of highest quality, configured to accommodate 10guests in 5 cabins, comprising Owner's cabin and 4 double guest cabins. Classic warm interiors are finished with various kinds and colours of wood including Rosewood, Makassar ebony, Mahogany and Oak. Sumptuously furnished lower deck provides four double guest cabins offering multiple layout options – separate double bed cabins, twin cabins or VIP cabins with suite. Main deck embraces luxurious open plan saloon comprising dining area and comfortable relax zone, where glazed doors and folding bulwarks on both sides create space nicely open to ocean breeze. Comprehensive galley and pantry are richly equipped with GAGGENAU household appliances. Automatic dumbwaiter connecting pantry and skylounge completes practical comforts of this high- end interior. Finished with Oak and Rosewood Owner's area in bow part includes small office, walk- in wardrobe, spacious bathroom with separate entrance for him and her, as well as nicely sized full beam cabin with stainless glazed doors and folding balconies on each side. Kept in darker colours scheme and richly finished with Rosewood, Mahogany and stained Oak, situated on bridge deck skylounge offers truly welcoming ambience and entertainment facilities. Aft sliding door opens wide creating one space with outside deck.Bow part of lower deck contains entirely independent crew quarters – two double cabins and crewmess, while the captain's cabin has been located on bridge deck, adjacent to the wheelhouse connected with crew area by means of separate crew lobby.9. ELECTRIC SYSTEMElectric system is three-phase 230V/400V 50Hz system supplied from two 400VAC 50Hz CATERPILLAR C4.4 99kW generators with automatic parallel system and 90kVA shore power converter, make ASEA. Electrical consumers are based on 230/400VAC power supply from generators and shore power, 24VDC from battery banks, and 12VDC for individual consumers by means of dedicated transformers. Whole electrical equipment, wiring and complete installation is in accordance with good marine practice and governing regulations.10.1 NAVIGATION & COMMUNICATIONComplete package of navigation and communication electronics based on FURUNO and SIMRAD equipment, meeting requirements of IMO, Flag and MCA LY3 for navigation Area 3, has beeninstalled on the bridge, captain's cabin and in crew mess. INTELLIAN TV and VSAT dome antennas installed on the mast.10.2 ENTERTAINMENTCONRAD 133 will be equipped with entertainment electronics in accordance with interior and exterior GA. Entertainment system will be based on Owner's preferences according to AddendumA Allowances.11.1 ANCHORING EQUIPMENTTwo high holding type stainless MANSON anchors, each with a weight of 300kg and two galvanized stud link 17,5mm anchor chains	0.427084	-0.099221	-1.125716	0.032902	[ 0.6496566548058981, 0.20451214038130094 ]	[ 0.12863644400541305, -0.32707852993791037 ]	[ -0.82517152015653, -1.4262606431726017 ]	[ 0.17077505725575026, -0.10497019117905546 ]	1,024	[ 512, 512 ]	[ 29899, 845, 10501, 2669, 2594, 4240, 297, 394, 9735, 1974, 411, 20842, 6795, 3332, 322, 2594, 303, 8789, 29889, 17100, 630, 409, 1218, 4240, 408, 385, 10160, 760, 310, 278, 2428, 23905, 297, 12945, 19810, 263, 615, 4038, 373, 317, 29933, 29889, 11028, 304, 12945, 19810, 2071, 2904, 1309, 479, 1549, 2243, 4821, 3050, 5130, 263, 615, 29892, 1207, 29901, 6418, 2477, 1529, 1525, 29871, 29906, 29896, 29941, 29945, 29889, 29900, 29945, 29889, 17100, 630, 3856, 305, 12949, 411, 4343, 6131, 13319, 297, 4565, 310, 18875, 8697, 408, 385, 10160, 760, 310, 2428, 23905, 29889, 390, 1759, 287, 6575, 29890, 493, 292, 282, 7925, 297, 2011, 322, 5810, 3377, 6375, 310, 278, 18875, 8697, 29892, 411, 263, 6686, 1582, 297, 1546, 8236, 304, 12580, 4038, 29889, 379, 2941, 336, 352, 293, 22707, 274, 10800, 29892, 1207, 29901, 350, 2890, 1430, 29999, 1164, 29902, 402, 29889, 29955, 29896, 29896, 29892, 5130, 297, 12580, 4038, 29889, 29955, 29889, 29941, 317, 3904, 5012, 7077, 13448, 264, 1056, 286, 579, 7632, 411, 385, 3190, 5130, 373, 6575, 19810, 16330, 408, 25504, 1056, 2304, 3829, 29892, 411, 23387, 1326, 12112, 363, 9712, 8450, 267, 29892, 21387, 868, 312, 29879, 29892, 1663, 27988, 298, 905, 267, 29892, 2992, 29889, 7634, 484, 493, 278, 3190, 13055, 12917, 29899, 264, 15603, 10161, 411, 6216, 2264, 8442, 1592, 16242, 411, 6694, 10090, 322, 2734, 3533, 373, 2011, 2625, 322, 12917, 29899, 29893, 4212, 1302, 1537, 872, 4347, 29892, 2888, 4240, 373, 5810, 3377, 2625, 29889, 512, 4565, 310, 278, 3190, 315, 29899, 845, 10501, 23387, 577, 13629, 411, 4343, 26935, 6131, 13319, 373, 1716, 11192, 29889, 1152, 1328, 310, 278, 577, 13629, 6576, 8236, 304, 4240, 29899, 262, 17546, 1028, 29874, 29892, 1207, 29901, 17067, 29965, 3217, 29889, 29947, 29889, 2672, 4945, 29902, 1955, 7281, 8688, 322, 2888, 1754, 1006, 18930, 310, 9939, 11029, 29892, 13252, 304, 24803, 403, 29871, 29896, 29900, 2543, 9197, 297, 29871, 29945, 7776, 1144, 29892, 7199, 5921, 438, 23007, 29915, 29879, 28830, 322, 29871, 29946, 3765, 17838, 7776, 1144, 29889, 24300, 14294, 1006, 18930, 526, 7743, 411, 5164, 17690, 322, 28061, 310, 8112, 3704, 14008, 6115, 29892, 17232, 465, 279, 18230, 2592, 29892, 10082, 468, 1384, 322, 24132, 29889, 6991, 415, 29884, 5794, 15252, 3276, 5224, 19810, 8128, 3023, 3765, 17838, 7776, 1144, 27032, 2999, 5912, 3987, 785, 5004, 3765, 6592, 7776, 1144, 29892, 3252, 262, 7776, 1144, 470, 5473, 29925, 7776, 1144, 411, 9460, 29889, 4241, 19810, 953, 2634, 778, 21684, 332, 2738, 1722, 3814, 4497, 6150, 7199, 5921, 270, 2827, 4038, 322, 25561, 26681, 10640, 29892, 988, 14751, 24688, 24189, 322, 900, 8497, 8227, 29893, 17862, 373, 1716, 11192, 1653, 2913, 28138, 1722, 304, 23474, 289, 929, 911, 29889, 422, 1457, 29882, 6270, 6898, 2330, 322, 282, 15328, 526, 8261, 368, 1592, 16242, 411, 402, 10051, 24647, 25951, 22329, 623, 492, 2925, 29889, 15854, 2454, 270, 3774, 10685, 261, 16791, 282, 15328, 322, 2071, 2904, 1309, 479, 1614, 2167, 15031, 13016, 29879, 310, 445, 1880, 29899, 1095, 13290, 29889, 4231, 3276, 411, 24132, 322, 14008, 6115, 438, 23007, 29915, 29879, 4038, 297, 12580, 760, 7805, 2319, 8034, 29892, 6686, 29899, 297, 281, 538, 307, 915, 29892, 805, 29874, 8802, 27683, 8345, 411, 5004, 19546, 363, 1075, 322, 902, 29892, 408, 1532, 408, 28138, 269, 1891, 2989, 22913, 28830, 411, 380, 475, 2222, 14751, 24688, 24189, 322, 900, 8497, 6411, 535, 583, 373, 1269, 2625, 29889, 4813, 415, 297, 6501, 261, 28061, 11380, 322, 8261, 368, 7743, 411, 14008, 6115, 29892, 10082, 468, 1384, 322, 380, 7114, 24132, 29892, 24046, 373, 12945, 19810, 2071, 2904, 1309, 479, 16688, 19781, 5476, 11506, 3181, 5597, 322, 22684, 358, 23330, 29889, 319, 615, 2243, 4821, 3050, 13246, 9377, 4969, 697, 2913, 411, 5377, 19810, 29889, 29933, 340, 760, 310, 5224, 19810, 3743, 9186, 7417, 17616, 439, 13868, 785, 1023, 3765, 7776, 1144, 322, 17616, 12062, 29892, 1550, 278, 15315, 29915, 29879, 28830, 756, 1063, 5982, 373, 12945, 19810, 29892, 20114, 304, 278, 18875, 8697, 6631, 411, 17616, 4038, 491, 2794, 310, 5004, 17616, 658, 1327, 29891, 29889, 29929, 29889, 382, 3281, 29934, 2965, 28962, 1254, 29923, 2303, 781, 2200, 1788, 338, 2211, 29899, 21646, 29871, 29906, 29941, 29900, 29963, 29914, 29946, 29900, 29900, 29963, 29871, 29945, 29900, 12661, 1788, 19056, 515, 1023, 29871, 29946, 29900, 29900, 29963, 2477, 29871, 29945, 29900, 12661, 315, 1299, 1001, 2227, 2208, 1718, 315, 29946, 29889, 29946, 29871, 29929, 29929, 29895, 29956, 1176, 4097, 411, 18428, 8943, 1788, 322, 29871, 29929, 29900, 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, operated by electric windlasses installed in bow area, make MAXWELL VWC8000. Anchors stored in stainless steel anchor pockets on both sides.11.2 MOORING EQUIPMENTVessel equipped with custom built stainless steel tubular bollards and stainless fairleads. Two electric mooring capstans aft, make MAXWELL VC6000, installed aft. Ropes on the bow operated with mooring capstans installed on windlasses.11.3 WINDOWSVessel equipped with highest quality glazing delivered and installed by TILSE, including nicely shaped windshield supporting stainless handrail on sun deck. Glass thickness calculated according to requirements of the Class. All windows of non-opening type, glued to frames according to Builder standards, approved by the Class.11.4 RAILINGS & BULWARKSClosed sections of bulwark around the deck shall be welded watertight. On top of the bulwark sockets for hand railings should be welded. Stainless steel railings made of elliptical and round pipes, equipped with PMMA or tempered glass panels on bridge deck aft and sun deck. Salon area bulwarks on both sides and Owner cabin on both sides to be equipped with folding bulwark parts.11.5 TEAK DECKMain deck, bridge deck and sun deck covered with 15mm teak planks, 12mm planks installed bathing platform and balconies. 20mm teak planks installed in bow part. Teak planks glued and sealed with SIKAFLEX system.11.6 STERN AREACustom FEEBE electric gantry crane with SWL of 1400kg installed in the garage for operation of thetender (1000kg, Owner's delivery). One fully retractable hydraulic FEEBE gangway. Stern area equipped with a hydraulically operated garage door forming swimming platform when opened.11.7 WINDSCREEN WIPERSFront windows in the wheelhouse equipped with five electric wipers with spray nozzles, controlled from the wheelhouse. Male: EXALTO.12. INSULATIONInsulation system as required to meet noise, vibration and thermal requirements according to good marine practice, Class and the Contract Specifications. Anti-drumming system in garage and engine room, thermal and acoustic insulation throughout the yacht. Structural fire protection provided in accordance with Classification Society and Flag Administration requirements. Fire- insulating properties govern the choice of material where more than one type of insulation is required,.12.1 SIDES AND ACCOMMODATIONSThermal insulation provided throughout the hull and superstructure, in all living spaces, service spaces and working spaces, etc. Thermal insulation of hull, weather deck and superstructure based on mineral wool panels with proper density and thickness, approx. 80mm for hull and weather deck, reduced for superstructure. Aluminium foil film applied on the final layer of mineral wool in all areas. Acoustic insulation designed and applied to prevent transmission of structural and airborne noise. Acoustic insulation based on acoustic panels, mineral wool and other materials fitted to achieve noise requirements. Acoustic insulation applied to the surface of bulkheads and decks which separate noise sources from accommodation spaces and also between accommodation spaces when they are divided by a bulkhead or deck.12.2 ENGINE ROOMEngine room insulation carried out with particular care and, wherever possible, before the installation of any auxiliary equipment such as pumps, cabling, piping and other equipment. Lower edges of insulation properly sealed to prevent water ingress. Shell plating and frames, bulkheads and stiffeners insulated according to good practice as per insulation system manufacturer and Class requirements and covered with aluminium panels for better comfort and aesthetics.13. PAINT SYSTEM13.1 Hull above waterline: AWLGRIP Blue Steel Pearl13.2 Hull below waterline: INTERNATIONAL13.3 Main deck (surface under teak planks): INTERNATIONAL13.4 Superstructure: AWLGRIP Insignia White/Panther Black Pearl13.5 Fresh water tanks: INTERN	-0.52484	-0.201287	-0.912989	0.039406	[ -0.45293206553810406, -0.5967479855829739 ]	[ 0.022989357708139636, -0.4255631019099449 ]	[ -1.137129166278795, -0.6888485650421254 ]	[ -0.1804099289583891, 0.2592216463763483 ]	1,024	[ 512, 512 ]	[ 29892, 19623, 491, 12646, 8805, 605, 267, 5130, 297, 12580, 4038, 29892, 1207, 18134, 8851, 2208, 478, 29956, 29907, 29947, 29900, 29900, 29900, 29889, 530, 305, 943, 6087, 297, 380, 475, 2222, 22973, 17360, 772, 9737, 373, 1716, 11192, 29889, 29896, 29896, 29889, 29906, 16999, 1955, 4214, 382, 29984, 3120, 13427, 3919, 29963, 25583, 1592, 16242, 411, 2888, 4240, 380, 475, 2222, 22973, 23131, 1070, 289, 3028, 3163, 322, 380, 475, 2222, 6534, 280, 7925, 29889, 7803, 12646, 2730, 8253, 2117, 303, 550, 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ATIONAL13.6 Sewage tanks: INTERNATIONAL13.7 Hull inside painted with INTERNATIONAL system14. SAFETYVessel is equipped with complete safety package, in accordance with MCA LY3 requirements. All equipment easy accessible. Four life rafts, make: ZODIAC SOLAS A-pack, installed in bulwark lockers on sun deck, two on each side. The yacht is equipped with the tender stowed on the bow and launched by dedicated hydraulic crane. While underway, the rescue tender shall be stowed on a dedicated cradle on the aft sundeck and launched by means of a davit.Optional Ultra Fog extinguishing system for accommodations available upon request. Medical kits, medicines, resuscitation equipment, etc. is considered to be Owner's Supply.15. EQUIPMENT SPECIFICATIONHULL Hull Grade A steel construction, according to plans approved by the Class. Welding work X-rayed according to class requirements.Superstructure Aluminium construction, according to plans approved by the class society. Welding work X-rayed according to class requirementBallast Fixed ballast leadMAIN SYSTEMS Main Engine2 CAT C18 ACERT B-rated @ 500kWGearbox 2 ZF W650 ratio 5.138:1Generator 2 CAT C4.4 99ekW, sound shieldsShaft line 2 RUBBER DESIGN, oil lubricatedPropeller 2 VAN VOORDEN 5-bladeSteering gear 1 JastramExhaust system: main engines 2TIO dry/wetExhaust system: generators 2 Halyard dry/wetStabilizers 2 CMC Stabilis Electra 120Thrusters 2 VERHAAR OMEGA 55kW ElectricWaste treatment system 1 HAMANN HL-Cont PLUS 02 SlimAir conditioning 1 WEBASTO 448k BTUMechanical ventilation 1 WEBASTOER ventilation 2 GIANNESCHIFuel separator 1 ALFA-LAVAL MIB 303Watermaker 2 SEA RECOVERY 1400-2Cathodic protection 1 Set of zinc anodesHydraulic system 1 FEEBE customPumps GIANNESCHIPaint system INTERNATIONAL/AWLGRIPDECK EQUIPMENT Windlass 2MAXWELL VWC 8000Morning winch 2 MAXWELL VC 6000Chain 2 Stud link 17.5mm galvanizedAnchor 2 MANSON HHP stainless 300kgMooring equipment CONRAD custom stainless steel bollards and fairleadsGantry crane 1 FEEBE electricDeck crane 1 BESENZONI G. 711Manual tender davit 1 FEM STRUTTUREGangway 1 FEEVE hydraulic 6.5m rotatingStern gate 1 FEEBE hydraulicFolding bulwarks/balconies 4 FEEBE hydraulicBalcony side door 4 CONRAD custom stainlessAft sliding door main deck 1 OPACMARE 2135Aft sliding door bridge deck 1 OPACMARE 2T11Superstructure side doors 4 NEWTHEXWatertight doors 2 NEWTEXDeck hatches RONDALWindows & windshield TILSEPilot seat 2 BESENZONI G. 711Windscreen wipers 5 EXALTOER grilles 2 CONRAD customTeam deck CONRAD customDeck jacuzzi 1 TEUCO Mirro 630, customizedSauna 1 CONRAD customRunning machine 1 TECHNOGYM Spazio FormaTraining wall 1 TECHNOGYM Kinesis HeritageLoose deck furniture Owner's DeliveryELECTRICS & ELECTRONICS Entertainment electronics Custom system	-1.26241	-0.185843	-1.342565	-0.43522	[ -1.2459741389283865, -1.2788463492243567 ]	[ -0.05848424274145256, -0.31320115843276003 ]	[ -1.3755358226649164, -1.3095935560049254 ]	[ -0.2610524072742285, 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based on media serverNavigation & communication FURUNO/SIMRAD/IMTELLIAN230VAC main switchboard CONRAD custom24V panels CONRAD customSynoptic panels CONRAD customService batteries MASTERVOLT, 2V cellsGNDSS batteries MASTERVOLTStart batteries MASTERVOLTShore converter 1 ASEA AC90SV-3Interior lighting FORESTI&SUARDI, MASIERO, PIETER ADAMExterior lighting SAVAGE LIGHTINGDOMESTIC EQUIPMENT Dumbwaiter 1 LIFE EMOTIONHousehold equipment GAGGENAU/MIELESAFETY ER fire extinguisher 1 NOVEC1230Life raft 4 ZODIAC SOLAS A-pack 10-personSafety equipment According to MCA LY3 (Owner's delivery)Main tender 1 CASTOLDI JT16 (Owner's delivery)Crew tender 1 WILLIAMS Turbojet 385 (Owner's delivery)Owner's deliveries and/or PC Sums shall include but not be limited to the following positions (if building the sister-ship):PC SUMS Plumbing fixtures 50,000 EUR netInterior hardware 70,000 EUR netAudio-video/Entertainment 150,000 EUR netNavigation & communication 250,000 EUR netDomestic appliances 80,000 EUR netInterior lighting 80,000 EUR netBlinds & curtains 40,000 EUR netMarble & stone 100,000 EUR netFabrics, leather & carpets 50,000 EUR netInterior designer and decorator of Owner's choice Paid by OwnerEquipment specification is believed to be correct at the time of writing. The builder reserves the right, in agreement with the Client, to amend specifications, materials or equipment in case any of equipment is not offered any longer – in such case specified equipment will be replaced with equal equipment of the same or other brand.General arrangement plan of the yacht is an integral part of this specification. Conrad Shipyard is an experienced luxury yacht builder specializing in building highest quality, class approved, steel, and aluminum luxury yachts ranging from 20 to 100 meters in length. We are located in Gdansk, Poland, one of the most historic shipbuilding cities in Northern Europe. Our shipyard employs, in partnership with our parent company Marine Projects Ltd., over 400 of the best specialists in naval construction, complex engineering, old-world craftsmanship, and modern yacht building. We cooperate with the most reliable and professional companies and suppliers in Poland, Europe, and throughout the world based on our motto "highest quality yachts at the best value."Our shipyard has all the necessary in-house facilities to meet the most demanding wishes of the most demanding clients. It includes an engineering team of over 25 professionals, an interior design team, and production facilities for luxury yacht furniture, which meets the highest global design and quality standards.Delivery of a completely outfitted CONRAD C133, sister-ship to VIATORIS, can be delivered in 22-24 months from the time contracts are finalized.Modified & improved upon general arrangements for 40-45m motor yachts with both traditional and plumb bows are also available upon request. Imitation might be the sincerest form of flattery, but to considerConrad Shipyard's40 metreViatoristo be a mere facsimile of anything that has come before would be missing the point entirely. The story ofViatorisstretches back at least a decade and is a tale of an owner and builder evolving together – one happy to fly under the radar and the other with everything to prove."He's a modest guy – this [yacht] is not a toy," says Conrad CEO and chairman Mikołaj Król ofViatoris'sowner. 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for "traveller", will be used for family sojourns from her base in Croatia.It was in 2008, during the doldrums of the global financial crisis, when this owner and Król began talking about what would one day becomeViatoris. He owned a 20 metre Conrad 66 sloop-rigged sailing yacht and aPrincess58 motor yacht but was ready for a larger motor yacht. Conrad, based in Gdansk, Poland, was formed in 2003 by its parent company, the commercial shipbuilder Marine Projects Ltd, and in 2005 launched its first motor yacht project, theBill Dixon-designed27 metreEscape S. Later, it launched two semi-custom Conrad 66s, and it is a testament to the yard that both of these owners went on to order custom projects nearly twice the size. One ordered Conrad's 2013 launch, the 35 metre motor sailerLunardesigned byFrank Neubelt, then withNewcruise, while the other createdViatoris.WhenLunarmade her public debut at the 2013Monaco Yacht Show, she was moored near a 40 metreHakvoortcalledApostrophe. IfViatorisseems similar to the Dutch yard's creation, it's no coincidence. Her exterior is byReymond Langton Design, with naval architecture byDiana Yacht Design– the same team that createdApostrophe.Viatoris'sowner liked the classic silhouette and long overhangs ofApostropheand thought it was a style that would work well in his plans for a 30 to 35 metre yacht. But owner and yard soon found this wouldn't be as easy. "We tried to pack everything in, but if you want to have the second staircase for crew, for instance, there was no extra space," says Król. "And the proportions of the boat weren't elegant [at 35 metres]." The design slowly crept up to the 40 metre mark, which the owner was reticent about, having planned to go no bigger than 35 metres. But as Król tells it, the owner justified the extra length when he noticed that the waterline length would be only 35 metres. "'It's still not above my limit,' he was able to tell himself," says KrólThe design brief given to naval architects Diana Yacht Design and exterior designers Reymond Langton was for an elegant yet aggressive yacht, and there is certainly something edgy about the lines ofViatorisWhen it became time to create the new yacht, Król went straight to the source,contactingDiana Yacht DesignandReymond Langtonto ask them to take on the project. "I have to admit, I was wondering if Andrew [Langton] would say, 'now that I build 80 metre boats, I'm not going back'," says Król, who candidly recounts the story of another famous yacht designer who had been reluctant to work with Conrad, despite its history with well-known designers such as Dixon and Neubelt. "[The designer] had doubts as to whether Conrad could build his boat without his name being tarnished," Król says, and so he was happily surprised when Langton said yes."It's always nice when people like your work, but at the same time you always want to push design on," says Langton. "We're a company that never does the same thing – even yachts built quite close together, likeLady LaraandAviva, look quite different. We're always trying to move forward. We wanted to create a new design inspired byApostrophe'ssilhouette.Viatorishas quite a sporty, racy look by comparison – she reflects a more modern, up-to-date style."Viatoris'sexterior is incredibly sculptural. "We tried to design in 3D – we have shapes that go from one to another that are continuous, and we cut forms into the superstructure," Langton says. Reymond Langton has created undercuts and arcs that emphasise the length of the boat and also create visual tension. It's a technique borrowed from another, much larger, design – 91 metreLady Lara. 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and pick up the reflection of the water.These sculpted good looks add an extra dimension to the engaging exterior lines, which are perhaps most pronounced amidships, where a line flowing down from the superstructure intersects with one rising up from the bulwarks, creating a signature "X" shape. It was even more visible on an all white paint job before the steel grey hull colour was chosen, which shifts from grey to blue shades in different light. This was just one of more than a dozen designs that Reymond Langton proposed to Conrad and the owner."That's the way we work – Jon [Bevan, Reymond Langton designer] and I will both start sketching profiles, sort of competing with each other," Langton says with a laugh. "We play off each other and pick up details from each other, and we try to experiment with things. I think Jon won in the end. Mikołaj really liked the X shape, but the owner was worried it was going to be too much of a definitive feature."The owner is so low-key that he was concerned about standing out too much, or being "that X boat", but eventually he came round. Usually, Reymond Langton would visit a boat during a build to see how the design was being executed, but this was a slightly different arrangement and once the design was agreed and the 3D plans delivered, Langton and Bevan didn't see the boat until her debut. Standing dockside staring up at the sculpted exterior, the designers were impressed by Conrad's ability to bring their design to life so perfectly, and they credit this to the fact that Król himself is an architect. In addition to running the shipyard and managing the project, he also designed the interior ofViatoris.The brief was to create an elegant yet comfortable interior and extremely liveable exterior spaces. The owner was clear on exterior attributes he required, especially on the sundeck, which has a unique layout for a 40 metre yacht. He wanted a pool up high at the front so he could see where he's going while in the water, and he wanted it flanked by big sunpads. There is a flush teak deck and an infinity effect, so it feels like a pool. More unusual was the owner's request for a glass sauna on the sundeck, creating an interesting challenge for the naval architects at Diana Yacht Design. It added extra weight to an already top-heavy sundeck – with the pool and gym up here as well – and considerations for fire insulation. The floor of the sauna is raised to create space for this insulation, so there's limited headroom, but it's not especially needed as one will be seated or reclining when inside. But the views from this glass house will be immense, watching the world roll by as you sweat.From an architectural point of view, adding all this weight on the top deck meant having to compensate on the lower deck. "If you put heavy items, like batteries, near the bottom they work as a counterweight, then you can have these extra-heavy items up top," says Hans-Maarten Bais, Diana Yacht Design's creative director.The owner was clear on exterior attributes he required, especially on the sundeck, which has a unique layout for a 40 metre yachtThe brief also called for bulwarks and balconies opening in the saloon and master to let fresh air in, as the owner doesn't care for air conditioning. But Conrad didn't want to use the typical sliding doors, instead opting to create their own rugged doors of the same heavy-duty quality that might be seen on their ships. "This could be found on a boat even more than 500GT – they are solid," Król says of the thick stainless steel and glass doors, which fold accordion-style to reveal the descending bulwarks. The floor-to-ceiling doors are mirrored on either side of the saloon, creating an open, breezy living area. Rather than pushing sofas up against walls or windows, a gathering of low love seats and armchairs, in a periwinkle blue, is set in the centre of the room, all facing inwards to create a cosy lounge.The owner is a fan of oval elements so oval cabinets and ceiling trays can be seen throughout, such as the main deck aft foyer, with the oblong credenza. 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curved joinery and backlit onyx inside the foyer.Król selected all the stone seen on board, and the mix of black and white marble finds harmony in the orange-copper veins that run through each. "I purposely didn't choose perfect stone or try to mirror it," he says. "Stone is stone, it needs to look natural." Myriad wood choices are tied together through staining. The saloon has rosewood and stained oak, the latter of which is carried through the corridors, while the floors are natural oak.The foyer to the master has a small office that looks out of a wide window – just enough space for the owner to work solo. The wow factor in this nice-sized master suite comes in the balconies, which have an ingenious design created by Król himself. The glass doors fold open, which then act as a rail and a windbreak, while the balcony folds down and a loose railing is added in front for safety. The owner can do it all without the help of crew. There are two balconies on either side, creating an amazing cross breeze and two big chairs on either side can swivel out and look over the water.The owner is a fan of oval elements which have been incorporated throughout the interiorBut it's not all about big features. The doorknobs, for instance, were specially made by Turnstyle Designs – Król splashed out £100 per knob, saying those with plastic latches on the inside, seen even on yachts from the top shipyards, didn't meet his standards. He designed his own style of knob that Turnstyle created, a blend of click-lock and turning, so the doors and drawers are especially secure. Lamps in the master, inspired by tree branches and painted silver, were created by a Dutch artist, while the door handles throughout the accommodation are hammered chrome, which give a subtly reflective look. Leather headboards are by Marine Leather. A crystal light fixture created by Masiero hangs over the bed in the master – a partner to three others found on board in the saloon, dining room and a grand hanging fixture at the staircase.The guest rooms are interlinking in pairs and can be had in multiple layout options depending on the room, such as a lounge, double bed or twins. It's a great solution so that when the owner cruises with two other couples, as is often the case, each can have their own VIP suite with a bedroom connecting to a lounge area. It would certainly make a fantastic charter yacht asset, too, thoughViatorisis planned to be private.The upper lounge is the epitome of leisurely living, designed to be a cinema with comfortable reclining sofas and darkened at the touch of a button. A dumb waiter, cleverly hidden behind the joinery, brings food up from the galley for movie snacks or dinner on the upper aft deck, with an expanding table. The owner wanted to create zones on this deck, so it has the feel of a much larger yacht with the dining area, a boomerang-shaped bar to port and a seating area to starboard. Ahead of the bridge is a vast foredeck lounge with a seating area and sunpads, another request from the owner.This is Diana Yacht Design's 67th yacht, and the company considers each to be an evolution, using concrete data collected from each design to inform the next. "This boat is also equipped with a bulbous bow to make her more efficient, and we just saw during sea trials that she was only using 65lph at 10.5 knots, which is really efficient," says Bais. "And her captain says she manoeuvres 'very nicely, turns like a car'."Viatorisis quiet under way, even when down below. "The clearance between the props and the hull is very important," says Bais. "You can put in all the insulation you want, but if the foundation of the engine and propeller and layout isn't correct, you'll never get a quiet boat."It's further evidence of the lengths Conrad has gone to on this new 40 metre. "The Polish mentality is to show we can do it," Król says. 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Jennifer Ulrich Phone number, Email Id, Fanmail, Instagram, Tiktok, and Contact Details Aug 24, 2021 Jennifer Ulrich, Jennifer Ulrich address, Jennifer Ulrich contact details, Jennifer Ulrich email, Jennifer Ulrich facebook, Jennifer Ulrich instagram, Jennifer Ulrich phone number, Jennifer Ulrich twitter, Jennifer Ulrich youtube Jennifer Ulrich Phone Number, House Address, Email, Biography, Wiki, Whatsapp and Contact Information Jennifer Ulrich was born in Berlin, Germany on October 18, 1984. In addition to The Wave (2008), Diaz: Don't Clean This Blood (2012), and We Are the Night (2013), she has appeared in (2010). As Yvonne, Jennifer Ulrich made her acting debut in the 2002 film Big Girls Don't Cry. Having acted in films such as The Elementary Particles in 2006 and Seven Days Sunday in 2007, he For example, she played the female lead in the 2008 film The Wave, and she played a vampire in the film We As for the films, both were directed by Dennis The genre films she enjoys include thrillers and slash"Big Girls Don't Cry" was her first film, and she played Yvonne. Jennifer Ulrich Biography/Wiki The storey revolves around Kati and Steffi, two best friends who are also Their fury grows when they learn that Steffi's father is having an affair with another woman. Yvonne was captured by a pornographer named Mr. Winter, and her storey is running parallel to this one.Her performance in the film was excellent, and she did make a name for herself as a result of it After the first film's success, she appeared in a number of German films, as well as a short In 2005, when "Elementary Particles" was released in theatres, she returned to Michael and Bruno, two brothers who are unsure of their sexuality, are the focus. There's no doubt that they had a strange childhood In the future, Michael will become a biologist, and Bruno will become aNot sexually, Michael is fascinated by the idea of reproduction. Bruno, on the other hand, is sexually active and wants to fulfil his desires, but is depressed by his failed attempts with women and prostitutes, and so he admits himself to a mental facility. After a trip to his hometown, Michael runs into Annabelle, who begins an affair with him. When he meets Christiane, Bruno begins an affair with her as well, but ends upBruno admits Christiane to the hospital after she collapses during a sexual encounter and learns that she is paralysed. But he doesn't want to leave her. If she doesn't abort the pregnancy, Annabelle will die from the womb infection, so she does it without telling Michael. In the wake of Christiane's suicide, Bruno accuses himself of being responsible for her death and returns to the mental institution.As soon as Michael learns of Annabelle's condition he brings her back to his home with him Michael asks Bruno to come with them on the way home, but he refuses. Others include "We Are The Night," in which she played a vampire named Charlotte, and "Atomized," among others, One of her most recent projects was "Alarm For Cobra 11," a 2014 television series about a task force of eleven people hired to solve crimes. Two decades after its debut on March 12, 1996, the series is still going strong. Jennifer Ulrich Phone number Popular As Jennifer Ulrich Occupation Actress Born 8 October 1984 Birthday 8 October Town/City Berlin Country German Nationality Germany According to starphonenumber.com, She is one of the prominent Actress. She has come into the list of those popular people who were born on 8 October 1984. She is one of the most Richest Actress who was born in Germany. She is one of the popular Actress in our database at the age of 36 years old. Jennifer Ulrich Physical Stats & Body Measurements Not much is known about her physical stats and body measurements. Jennifer Ulrich Boyfriend or Dating Life Not much is known about her dating life. 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<?xml version='1.0' encoding='UTF-8'?> <!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.1//EN" "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml11/DTD/xhtml11.dtd"> <html> <head> <title>org.scalatest.time.Span</title> <meta http-equiv="content-type" content="text/html; charset=UTF-8" /> <link type="text/css" media="screen" rel="stylesheet" href="../../../lib/template.css" /> <script type="text/javascript" src="../../../lib/jquery.js"></script> <script type="text/javascript" src="../../../lib/jquery-ui.js"></script> <script type="text/javascript" src="../../../lib/template.js"></script> <script type="text/javascript" src="../../../lib/tools.tooltip.js"></script> <!-- gtag [javascript] --> <script async src="https://www.googletagmanager.com/gtag/js?id=UA-71294502-1"></script> <script defer> window.dataLayer = window.dataLayer \|\| []; function gtag(){dataLayer.push(arguments);} gtag('js', new Date()); gtag('config', 'UA-71294502-1'); </script> </head> <body class="type"> <!-- Top of doc.scalatest.org [javascript] --> <script type="text/javascript"> var rnd = window.rnd \|\| Math.floor(Math.random()*10e6); var pid204546 = window.pid204546 \|\| rnd; var plc204546 = window.plc204546 \|\| 0; var abkw = window.abkw \|\| ''; var absrc = 'http://ab167933.adbutler-ikon.com/adserve/;ID=167933;size=468x60;setID=204546;type=js;sw='+screen.width+';sh='+screen.height+';spr='+window.devicePixelRatio+';kw='+abkw+';pid='+pid204546+';place='+(plc204546++)+';rnd='+rnd+';click=CLICK_MACRO_PLACEHOLDER'; document.write('<scr'+'ipt src="'+absrc+'" type="text/javascript"></scr'+'ipt>'); </script> <div id="definition"> <a title="Go to companion" href="Span$.html"><img src="../../../lib/class_to_object_big.png" /></a> <p id="owner"><a name="org" class="extype" href="../../package.html">org</a>.<a name="org.scalatest" class="extype" href="../package.html">scalatest</a>.<a name="org.scalatest.time" class="extype" href="package.html">time</a></p> <h1><a title="Go to companion" href="Span$.html">Span</a></h1> </div> <h4 class="signature" id="signature"> <span class="kind">class</span> <span class="symbol"> <span class="name">Span</span> <span class="result"> extends AnyRef</span> </span> </h4> <div class="fullcommenttop" id="comment"><div class="comment cmt"><p>A time span.</p><p>A <code>Span</code> is used to express time spans in ScalaTest, in constructs such as the <code>failAfter</code> method of trait <a href="../concurrent/Timeouts.html"><code>Timeouts</code></a>, the <code>timeLimit</code> field of trait <a href="../concurrent/TimeL	-1.662355	-1.699595	-1.060408	-0.605734	[ -1.711663784787965, -1.6130471539000542 ]	[ -1.8535893955044456, -1.5456012795191738 ]	[ -1.2994485919033882, -0.8213671586184536 ]	[ -0.7514107028398972, -0.46005723279557414 ]	1,024	[ 512, 512 ]	[ 6319, 3134, 1873, 2433, 29896, 29889, 29900, 29915, 8025, 2433, 10496, 29899, 29947, 29915, 17382, 13, 29966, 29991, 21300, 3472, 349, 7466, 27888, 11663, 458, 29956, 29941, 29907, 458, 12972, 29928, 1060, 7020, 29871, 29896, 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A invasão indonésia de Timor-Leste, conhecida na Indonésia como Operação Lotus (), começou em 7 de dezembro de 1975, quando os militares indonésios, com o apoio político e militar dos EUA, invadiram Timor-Leste sob o pretexto de anticolonialismo e anticomunismo. A derrubada de um governo popular e breve liderado pela Fretilin provocou uma ocupação violenta durante um quarto de século em que entre aproximadamente 100 a 180 000 soldados e civis são estimados por terem sido mortos. Durante os primeiros anos da ocupação, os militares indonésios enfrentaram forte resistência no interior montanhoso da ilha, mas a partir de 1977-1978, os militares adquiriram armamento moderno dos Estados Unidos, Austrália e outros países, para destruir o grupo rebelde. No entanto, nas duas últimas décadas do século XX viu-se contínuos embates entre grupos indonésios e timorenses sobre o estatuto de Timor- Leste; até que, os violentos confrontos em 1999, levariam à intervenção da ONU pela Missão das Nações Unidas em Timor-Leste e a realização de um referendo em que os timorenses votaram pela independência, ocorrida em 2002. Antecedentes Timor-Leste deve a sua distinção territorial do restante do Timor, e do arquipélago indonésio como um todo, ao facto de ter sido colonizado pelos portugueses e não pelos holandeses; um acordo dividindo a ilha entre as duas potências foi assinado em 1915. O domínio colonial foi substituído pelos japoneses durante a Segunda Guerra Mundial, cuja ocupação gerou um movimento de resistência que resultou na morte de 60 000 pessoas, 13% da população da época. Após a guerra, as Índias Orientais Holandesas garantiram sua independência quando a República da Indonésia e os portugueses, entretanto, restabeleceram o controle sobre Timor-Leste. Retirada portuguesa e guerra civil De acordo com a Constituição de Portugal anterior a 1974, Timor-Leste, até então conhecido como Timor Português, era uma "província ultramarina", tal como qualquer das províncias fora de Portugal continental. As "províncias ultramarinas" incluíam também Angola, Cabo Verde, Guiné Portuguesa, Moçambique, São Tomé e Príncipe em África; Macau na China; e incluiu os territórios da Índia portuguesa até 1961, quando a Índia invadiu e anexou o território. Em abril de 1974, o Movimento das Forças Armadas (MFA), de esquerda, dentro dos militares portugueses orquestrou um golpe de Estado contra o governo autoritário de direita do Estado Novo em Lisboa (a chamada "Revolução dos Cravos") , e anunciou a sua intenção de retirar-se rapidamente das possessões coloniais de Portugal (incluindo Angola, Moçambique e Guiné, onde os movimentos guerrilheiros pró-independência lutavam desde a década de 1960). Ao contrário das colônias africanas, Timor-Leste não experimentou uma guerra de libertação nacional. Os partidos políticos indígenas rapidamente surgiram em Timor: a União Democrática Timorense (UDT) foi a primeira associação política a ser anunciada após a Revolução dos Cravos. A UDT era originalmente composta por altos líderes administrativos e proprietários de plantações, bem como por líderes tribais nativos. Esses líderes tinham origens conservadoras e mostravam fidelidade a Portugal, mas nunca defenderam a integração com a Indonésia. Enquanto isso, a Fretilin (Frente Revolucionária do Timor-Leste Independente

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) era composta por administradores, professores e outros "membros recém-recrutados das elites urbanas". A Fretilin rapidamente se tornou mais popular do que a UDT devido a uma variedade de programas sociais que introduziu à população. A UDT e a Fretilin entraram numa coligação em Janeiro de 1975 com o objectivo unificado de autodeterminação. Essa coligação passou a representar quase todo o setor instruído e a grande maioria da população. A Associação Popular Democrática Timorense (APODETI), um terceiro partido menor, também surgiu, e seu objetivo era a integração com a Indonésia. O partido teve pouco apelo popular. Em abril de 1975, conflitos internos dividiram a liderança da UDT, com Lopes da Cruz liderando uma facção que queria abandonar a Fretilin. Lopes da Cruz estava preocupado que a ala radical da Fretilin transformasse Timor-Leste numa frente comunista. A Fretilin considerou esta acusação de conspiração indonésia, pois a ala radical não tinha uma base de poder. A 11 de Agosto, a Fretilin recebeu uma carta dos dirigentes da UDT a pôr termo à coligação. O golpe da UDT foi uma "operação organizada", em que uma demonstração de força nas ruas foi seguida pela tomada de infraestrutura vital, como estações de rádio, sistemas de comunicações internacionais, aeroporto e delegacias de polícia. Durante a guerra civil resultante, os líderes de cada lado "perderam o controlo sobre o comportamento dos seus apoiantes", e enquanto os líderes tanto da UDT como da Fretilin se comportavam com moderação, os apoiantes incontroláveis orquestraram vários expurgos sangrentos e assassinatos. Os líderes da UDT prenderam mais de 80 membros da Fretilin, incluindo o futuro líder Xanana Gusmão. Os membros da UDT mataram uma dezena de membros da Fretilin em quatro locais. As vítimas incluíam um membro fundador da Fretilin e um irmão do seu vice-presidente, Nicolau Lobato. A Fretilin respondeu apelando com sucesso para as unidades militares timorenses treinadas por portugueses. A tomada violenta da UDT provocou assim a guerra civil de três semanas, ao colocar os seus 1 500 soldados contra as 2 000 forças regulares agora lideradas pelos comandantes da Fretilin. Quando os militares timorenses treinados por portugueses mudaram de aliança para a Fretilin, esta passou a ser conhecida como FALINTIL. No final de agosto, os remanescentes da UDT estavam recuando em direção à fronteira indonésia. Um grupo de novecentos da UDT atravessou Timor Ocidental a 24 de Setembro de 1975, seguido por mais de mil outros, deixando a Fretilin no controlo de Timor-Leste durante os três meses seguintes. O número de mortos na guerra civil teria incluído quatrocentas pessoas em Díli e possivelmente mil e seiscentas nas colinas. Motivações indonésias Os nacionalistas indonésios e os militares da linha dura, particularmente líderes da agência de inteligência Kopkamtib e da unidade de operações especiais Opsus, perceberam o golpe português como uma oportunidade para a anexação de Timor-Leste pela Indonésia. O chefe da Opsus e conselheiro próximo do presidente indonésio Suharto, o major-general Ali Murtopo, e o seu protegido, brigadeiro-general Benny Murdani, lideraram as operações de inteligência militar e encabeçaram o esforço pró-anexação da Indonésia. Os fatores políticos internos indonésios em meados da década de 1970 não er

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am propícios a tais intenções expansionistas; o escândalo financeiro de 1974-1975 em torno da companhia petrolífera Pertamina significou que a Indonésia tinha que ser cautelosa para não alarmar doadores e banqueiros estrangeiros críticos. Assim, Suharto originalmente não apoiava uma invasão de Timor-Leste. Tais considerações foram ofuscadas pelos temores indonésios e ocidentais de que a vitória dos esquerdistas da Fretilin levaria à criação de um Estado comunista na fronteira indonésia que poderia ser usado como base para incursões das potências hostis na Indonésia e uma potencial ameaça aos submarinos ocidentais. Temia-se também que um Timor-Leste independente dentro do arquipélago pudesse inspirar sentimentos secessionistas nas províncias indonésias. Essas preocupações foram usadas com sucesso para angariar o apoio dos países ocidentais interessados em manter boas relações com a Indonésia, particularmente os Estados Unidos, que na época estava concluindo sua retirada da Indochina. As organizações de inteligência militar buscaram inicialmente uma estratégia de anexação não militar, pretendendo utilizar a APODETI como seu veículo de integração. A "Nova Ordem" governante da Indonésia planejou a invasão de Timor-Leste. Não havia liberdade de expressão na "Nova Ordem" Indonésia e, portanto, também não havia necessidade de consultar os timorenses. No início de setembro, cerca de duzentos soldados das forças especiais lançaram incursões, que foram notadas pela inteligência estadunidenses, e em outubro, seguiram-se ataques militares convencionais. Cinco jornalistas, conhecidos como Balibo Five, que trabalhavam para redes de notícias australianas foram executados por tropas indonésias na cidade fronteiriça de Balibo em 16 de outubro. John Taylor escreve que a Indonésia invadiu por três razões principais: (1) para evitar o "exemplo negativo" de uma província independente, (2) para ter acesso às elevadas estimativas iniciais de petróleo e gás natural sob o Mar de Timor (estimativas iniciais que se revelaram amplamente equivocadas) e (3) após a queda do Vietnã do Sul, tornar-se o principal parceiro militar dos Estados Unidos no Sudeste Asiático. Invasão Em 7 de dezembro de 1975, as forças indonésias invadiram Timor-Leste. Operasi Seroja (1975–1977) A Operasi Seroja (Operação Lotus) foi a maior operação militar já realizada pela Indonésia. Após um bombardeio naval de Díli, as tropas marítimas indonésias desembarcaram na cidade enquanto simultaneamente desciam paraquedistas. 641 paraquedistas indonésios saltaram para Díli, onde travaram seis horas de combate com as forças das FALINTIL. De acordo com o autor Joseph Nevins, navios de guerra indonésios bombardearam suas próprias tropas que avançavam e aviões de transporte indonésios lançaram alguns dos seus paraquedistas sobre as forças das Falantil em retirada e sofreram, por conseguinte. Ao meio-dia, as forças indonésias tomaram a cidade ao custo de 35 soldados indonésios mortos, enquanto 122 soldados das FALINTIL morreram no combate. A 10 de Dezembro, uma segunda invasão resultou na captura da segunda maior cidade, Baucau, e no dia de Natal, cerca de 10 000 a 15 000 soldados desembarcaram em Liquiçá e Maubara. Em abril de 1976, a Indonés

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ia tinha cerca de 35 000 soldados em Timor-Leste, com outros 10 000 de prontidão no Timor Ocidental indonésio. Uma grande proporção dessas tropas eram de comandos de elite da Indonésia. No final do ano, 10 000 soldados ocupavam Díli e outros 20 000 tinham sido destacados para todo o Timor-Leste. Massivamente em menor número, as tropas das FALINTIL fugiram para as montanhas e continuaram as operações de combate de guerrilha. Nas cidades, as tropas indonésias começaram a matar timorenses. No início da ocupação, a rádio FRETILIN transmitiu a seguinte emissão: "As forças indonésias estão a matar indiscriminadamente. Por favor, faça algo para parar esta invasão". Um refugiado timorense contou mais tarde sobre "estupro [e] assassinatos a sangue frio de mulheres e crianças e donos de lojas chinesas". O bispo de Díli na época, Martinho da Costa Lopes, disse mais tarde: "Os soldados que desembarcaram começaram a matar todos que encontravam. Havia muitos cadáveres nas ruas - tudo o que podíamos ver eram os soldados matando, matando, matando". Num incidente, um grupo de cinquenta homens, mulheres e crianças – incluindo o repórter freelance australiano Roger East – foram enfileirados num penhasco fora de Díli e baleados, os seus corpos caíram no mar. Muitos desses massacres ocorreram em Díli, onde os espectadores foram ordenados a observar e contar em voz alta à medida que cada pessoa era executada. Além dos apoiadores da FRETILIN, os migrantes chineses também foram escolhidos para execução; quinhentos foram mortos apenas no primeiro dia. Impasse Embora os militares indonésios tenham avançado em Timor-Leste, a maioria das populações abandonaram as cidades e aldeias invadidas nas áreas costeiras para o interior montanhoso. As forças das FALINTIL, compostas por 2 500 soldados regulares em tempo integral do antigo exército colonial português, foram bem equipadas por Portugal e "restringiram severamente a capacidade do exército indonésio de avançar". Assim, durante os primeiros meses da invasão, o controlo indonésio estava confinado principalmente às principais cidades e aldeias, como Díli, Baucau, Aileu e Same. Ao longo de 1976, os militares indonésios usaram uma estratégia na qual as tropas tentavam mover-se para o interior a partir das áreas costeiras para se juntarem às paraquedistas mais interioranas. Esta estratégia falhou e as tropas receberam forte resistência das FALINTIL. Por exemplo, 3 000 soldados indonésios levaram quatro meses para capturar a cidade de Suai, uma cidade sulista a apenas três quilômetros da costa. Os militares continuaram a restringir a entrada de todos os estrangeiros e timorenses ocidentais em Timor-Leste, e Suharto admitiu em Agosto de 1976 que a Fretilin "ainda possuía alguma força aqui e ali". Em abril de 1977, os militares indonésios enfrentavam um impasse: as tropas não faziam avanços terrestres há mais de seis meses, e a invasão atraiu crescente publicidade internacional adversa. Reação das Nações Unidas Em 12 de dezembro de 1975, a Assembleia Geral das Nações Unidas adotou uma resolução que "deplorou fortemente" a invasão de Timor-Leste pela Indonésia, exigiu que Jacarta retirasse as tropas "sem demora" e permitisse aos habitantes da ilha exercer

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Who we are Legacy institutions What we do Programs News Legacy Transformation Tradition of Giving Hôpital Fondation Adolphe de Rothschild Institut de Biologie Physico-Chimique Edmond de Rothschild Collection at the Louvre OPEJ - baron Edmond de Rothschild Foundation Education and Best Practice The Rothschilds' longstanding commitment to philanthropy dates back to the 19th century. Each generation has upheld a tradition of giving, supporting the social needs and artistic tendencies of their time that span from social housing and healthcare to the arts and education. The philanthropic endeavors of one generation inspired the next, driving each generation to find innovative and creative solutions to social challenges. Their goal has always been to become involved in each philanthropic undertaking, to see it blossom and to help bring it to maturity. The current generation represented by Ariane and Benjamin de Rothschild continue building on this legacy by looking ahead to understand the stakes and anticipate tomorrows' challenges. Today, the Edmond de Rothschild Foundations identify the most inspired projects and innovative partners, as well as manage risk, assist, advise and transmit tools and methodologies. Finally, they evaluate impact to ensure continued performance over time. Their commitment to philanthropy and social transformation is based on a practical entrepreneurial strategy. A unique philanthropic tradition James de Rothschild 1792 - 1868 Betty de Rothschild 1805 - 1886 Founders of the French branch, James de Rothschild and his wife Betty developed ambitious philanthropic works and became leading donors of the French Jewish community, particularly in the domains of poverty alleviation, medicine and the arts. Adolphe de Rothschild 1823 - 1900 Julie de Rothschild 1830 - 1907 In addition to being famous patrons of the arts, Adolphe de Rothschild and his wife Julie from the Vienna branch founded the Fondation Ophtalmologique in 1905 (now known as the Hôpital Fondation Adolphe de Rothschild.) Today, it has risen to the highest ranks in patient care and research worldwide for the treatment of the eye and the brain. Julie also established the Gitana boat league which continues to reflect the Rothschilds' passion for sailing. Edmond James de Rothschild 1845 - 1934 Adélaïde de Rothschild 1853 - 1935 Edmond James de Rothschild and his wife Adélaïde were outstanding patrons of the arts, remembered for their historic donation of the widest collection in the world of old masters' drawings to the Louvre Museum in 1934. In 1921, Edmond co-founded the Edmond de Rothschild Foundation for Scientific Research, paving the way for the creation of the Centre national de la recherche scientifique (CNRS). Finally, Edmond is considered as one of the founders of modern Israel. Maurice de Rothschild 1881 - 1957 Noémie de Rothschild 1888 - 1968 Maurice de Rothschild became a leading force behind Sergei Diaghilev in the establishment of Les Ballets Russes in Paris at the beginning of the 20th century. Through his journeys to Africa, he also supported key scientific discoveries of rare species in fauna and flora. His wife Noémie founded the Megève ski resort in the French Alps which has become famous worldwide. Edmond de Rothschild 1926 - 1997 Nadine de Rothschild 1932 - Edmond de Rothschild with his wife Nadine developed a unique network of foundations in France, Switzerland, the USA and Israel, including the establishment of the Rothschild - Caesarea Foundation. Whether in higher education, arts, or medical research, Edmond became known as one of the most famous patrons of his time and paved the way for the establishment of today's Edmond de Rothschild Foundations. Modernizing a legacy Benjamin de Rothschild1963 - 2021 Ariane de Rothschild1965 - We have reimagined our role and transposed our family's philanthropic tradition for the 2

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Tuesday, Jan 19, 2021 | Last Update : 12:07 AM IST World Asia 17 Feb 2017 Samsung chief's journey: From USD 4 mn mansion to jail cell with corner toilet World, Asia Samsung chief's journey: From USD 4 mn mansion to jail cell with corner toilet Published : Feb 17, 2017, 1:41 pm IST Updated : Feb 17, 2017, 1:42 pm IST The 48-year-old was arrested early for his alleged role in a corruption scandal that led to impeachment of President Park Geun-hye. Lee Jae-yong, vice chairman of Samsung Electronics Co., gets into a car to leave after attending a hearing at the Seoul Central District Court in Seoul, South Korea. (Photo: AP) Ju-min Park: For Jay Y Lee, the third-generation leader of South Korea's massive Samsung Group and scion of the country's wealthiest family, home is now a 6.56 square meter (71 square foot) detention cell with a toilet in the corner behind a partition. He has no shower, only a wash-stand. Bed is a mattress on the floor. The 48-year-old Lee was arrested early on Friday for his alleged role in a corruption scandal that led to the impeachment of President Park Geun-hye, a decision that is being reviewed by the country's Constitutional Court. He has denied any wrongdoing. Lee is being held in a single cell and will not be allowed contact with other inmates, said an official at the Seoul Detention Centre, a facility on the outskirts of the city where arrested politicians and corporate chieftains are usually held, along with other detainees. "This is a highly public case, and as you know many involved in the case were already here," the official told Reuters. Prison officials don't want Lee discussing the case with others involved in the case, the official said, explaining why the Samsung scion was being held in a single cell. Also, there may be safety issues. "There are concerns about destroying evidence," the official said, adding that Lee was not being given special treatment. Lee's lawyers declined to comment. Lee, who is divorced with two children, has a net worth of $6.2 billion and ordinarily lives in a $4 million Seoul mansion. The Samsung Group he heads is the world's biggest manufacturer of smartphones, flat-screen televisions and memory chips, and Lee is accustomed to rubbing elbows with Silicon Valley titans such as Facebook's Mark Zuckerberg and Apple's Tim Cook. An accomplished equestrian, Lee is also a lifetime member of the Royal and Ancient Golf Club of St. Andrews in Scotland. At the detention centre, Lee will be allowed visitors but they can speak only through a glass partition, for up to 30 minutes at a time. However, inmates are allowed unlimited meeting time with their lawyers. He can exercise, but on his own, for 30 minutes a day. ID check, physical Before he entered his cell, prison officials subjected Lee to an identification check and physical examination, according to the detention centre official, who declined to be identified given the sensitivity of the matter. He showered and was issued an inmate uniform and boxes with toiletries and bedding. Prosecutors have up to 10 days to indict Lee, although they can seek an extension. After indictment, a court would be required to make a ruling within three months. Lee will be given simple 1,443 won ($1.26) meals, usually rice with side-dishes. Anything additional must be bought at the centre's commissary. Meals will be served on plastic trays slid through a small square window in the cell door. Lee is required to wash his own tray. Inside the cell, he can watch TV between 8 a.m. and 6 p.m., but only a single channel with recorded programmes broadcast by the justice ministry. Fellow inmates include Choi Soon-sil, a friend of President Park Geun-hye who is at the centre of the

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Investigation Of Gene Expression Underpinning Partitioning Of ... Youhong Song1, Siyang Liao1, Xin-Ding Wang1, Michael B. Sheahan1, Manohar L. Garg2 and Ray J. Rose1 1 Australian Research Council Centre of Excellence for Integrative Legume Research, School of Environmental and Life Sciences, The University of Newcastle, Newcastle, 2308, Australia Email [email protected] 2 School of Biomedical Sciences and Pharmacy, The University of Newcastle, Newcastle, 2308, Australia Legume seed store considerable protein and oil, and also starch in some species, however, the composition of storage compounds largely varies with the species. The molecular mechanism of seed storage partitioning remains to be clarified. In this paper, Medicago truncatula (the model legume) and Medicago orbicularis were used to compare the molecular basis underlying the partitioning of seed storage compounds. Seeds of M. orbicularis and M. truncatula were sampled at 10, 14, 18, 22 and 26 days after anthesis and at the time of maturation. M. orbicularis had a similar dry weight (4 mg per seed) to M. truncatula, but only accumulated around a third of seed storage protein and oil. The less seed protein and oil content was due to the lower expression of master transcription factors LEAFY COTYLEDON1-Like (L1L) and ABA INSENSITIVE 3 (ABI3), in M. orbicularis. M. orbicualris had similar expression of AGPase (a major enzyme controlling starch synthesis) to M. truncatula, suggesting that M. orbicularis did not switch carbon flow to the starch pathway. The findings in this study can be implied for molecular breeding or genetic transformation towards improving protein/oil production for food nutrition or biofuel purposes. Gene regulation, transcription factors, seed, protein and oil storage Legume seed accumulates considerable protein and oil, and also starch in some species such as pea and chickpea. The composition of seed storage compounds largely varies with legume species. The pathway to seed storage biosynthesis has been made clear, however, the mechanisms of controlling carbon flow into different storage compounds is still not well understood. Many studies have shown that seed development and maturation are tightly regulated by transcriptional factors i.e. LEAFY COTYLEDON 1 (LEC1) or Like (L1L), LEAFY COTYLEDON 2 (LEC2), FUSCA3 (FUS3) and ABSCISIC ACID-INSENSITIVE3 (ABI3) (reviewed in Braybrook and Harada 2008). A common effect of the mutation of these genes is a striking reduction of seed protein and oil production (Meinke et al. 1994). These transcriptional factors function by binding (Yamamoto et al. 2009) on the promoter in storage proteins (Kroj et al. 2003) or enzymes of fatty acid biosynthesis (Mu et al. 2008). LEC1 or L1L, FUS3 and ABI3 have been identified in legumes based on ontological analysis (Verdier et al. 2008). Medicago truncatula, a legume model (Rose 2008; Thompson et al. 2009), contains about 10% oil in the mature seed (Wang et al. 2012). Medicago orbicularis has been reported to have 3% oil in the seed (Tonnet and Snudden 1974), which provides a natural species to be used in investigating the regulation of seed storage accumulation in legumes. M. truncatula has been well sequenced and well annotated (Thompson et al. 2009), and M. orbicularis is a very close species to M. truncatula (Tonnet and Snudden 1974), which facilitates to study gene expression comparisons in great details using a natural system. Therefore, this study compared the molecular basis during seed storage process between M. truncatula and M. orbicularis. Plant growth

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22

and seed isolation M. truncatula and M. orbicularis were grown in the glasshouse with a 14 h photoperiod, a 200-μmol/m/s2 lighting intensity and 23/19°C day/night temperature regime. Flowers once fully open were tagged for use to indicate seed developmental stages. Seeds at 10, 14, 18, 22 and 26 days after anthesis (DAA) and when mature were isolated. Protein and lipid assay The determination of seed protein and oil content was described as Wang et al. (2012). Here we only introduced the methods briefly. Two seeds (5–10 mg) with three replicates at each stage were ground in 500 μL of extraction buffer (50 mM HEPES, 5 mM MgCl2, 5 mM DTT, 1 mM EDTA, 3 mg/mL polyvinylpyrrolidone and 10% (v/v) ethylene glycol (pH 7.5). After having extracted soluble protein, the insoluble protein was extracted by adding 500 μL of 1M NaOH into the pellet and vortexing for 15 min. Bradford assay method was used to measure soluble and insoluble protein. Lipid extraction was based on the method of Folch et al. (1957). The seeds (50–100 mg) were homogenised with chloroform: methanol (2:1, v:v). After dispersion, the mixture was agitated for 15–20 min in an orbital shaker at room temperature. The homogenate was centrifuged to recover the liquid phase. The solvent was washed with 0.2 volumes of a 0.9% NaCl solution, vortexed and then centrifuged at 3000 g. The upper phase was discarded and the lower phase containing the lipids evaporated under a nitrogen stream. The weight of lipids was weighed and the oil content was calculated by dividing lipid weight with fresh weight of seeds. Real time quantative PCR (qPCR) RNA was extracted from growing seeds with three biological repeats using the RNAqueous-4PCR kit (Ambion). Genomic DNA was removed using DNase treatment after RNA isolated. cDNA synthesis was performed with a SuperScript III first-strand synthesis system (Invitrogen) using 1 μg of total RNA and oligo(dT) primers. Primers were designed using Primer3 (http://frodo.wi.mit.edu/primer3). The sequence of M. truncatula was from the database provided by phytozome 8.0 (http://phytozome.net/). The primers for M. truncatula were used to sequence selected genes with Australian Genome Research Facility (AGRF, http://www.agrf.org.au/). Once the existence of the gene had been confirmed in M. orbicularis, the comparisons of gene expression between species were then conducted. qPCR reactions were performed in triplicate (15-μL sample volume) using Platinum Taq PCR polymerase and 2-μM SYTO9 fluorescent dye (Invitrogen). Expression was calculated by relating to 10 DAA. Results shown are means ± standard error of three biological repeats. Protein and oil accumulation The main storage proteins in legume seeds are globulin legumins and vicilins that both have a few isoforms. The accumulation of globulin storage protein and oil content and oil content of seed in M. truncatula and M. orbicularis are shown in Figure 1. The main storage protein in M. orbicularis was clearly lower than in M. truncatula (Figure 1a). M. truncatula seed contained 28% protein while M. orbicualris seed contained 8% protein only when the seed was fully mature. Lipid accumulation in M. orbiculars was also far below that in M. truncatula during seed maturation. The seed accumulated 10% oil in M. truncatula and 3% oil in M. orbicularis when

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mature (Figure 1b), which was consistent with Djemel et al. (2005) and Tonnet and Snudden (1974). The variation of storage protein and oil in the two close Medicago species provided a natural system to investigate the gene regulation underlying the accumulation of storage compounds. Figure 1. (a) Total protein and (b) oil accumulation during seed development in M. truncatula and M. orbicularis (Vertical bars indicate standard errors; arrow bars indicate mature stages). Gene expression of master transcription factors Time course of LEC1, L1L, FUS3 and ABI3 expression in M. truncatula and M. orbiculari is shown in Figure 2. Gene expression of LEC1, L1L, FUS3 and ABI3 followed similar patterns in both species during seed maturation. Little LEC1 was expressed in either species (data not shown). L1L and FUS3 peaked at 14 DAA and declined during seed maturation, while ABI3 increased and reached a plateau at 18 DAA in M. truncatula, and at 14 DAA in M. orbiculari (Figure 2). L1L was significantly lower from 10 and 18 DAA in M. orbicularis (Figure 2a), while ABI3 was significantly lower after 14 DAA (Figure 2c). FUS3 expression was similar in both species (Figure 2b). The result suggested that L1L and ABI3 were mainly responsible for the reduction of seed protein and oil in M. orbicularis. Figure 2. (a) L1L, (b) FUS3 and (c) ABI3 gene expression during seed development in M. truncatula and M. orbicularis (Vertical bars indicate standard errors). Starch biosynthesis activity The average seed dry weight was 4 mg/seed for both Medicago species, while protein and oil content in M. truncatula is much greater than in M. orbicularis. Here we checked if the lower protein and oil content would result in a switch on starch synthesis. ADP-glucose pyrophosphorylase (AGPase) has a central role in starch biosynthesis. It catalyses the first step of starch biosynthesis by generating the sugar nucleotide ADP-glucose from glucose 1-phosphate. Gene expression of a small subunit of AGPase enzyme i.e. Medtr3g107090 in M. orbicularis was higher before 16 DAA than M. truncatula, but the other small subunit i.e. Medtr5g104670 showed much lower expression (Figure 3), which suggested that AGPase activity in M. orbicularis was even weaker than in M. truncatula. Further starch assay indicated that both species accumulated only a trace amount of starch with less than 2% of seed dry weight, but M. orbicularis was slightly lower (data not shown). This suggested that M. orbicularis might switch seed protein and oil to cell wall polysaccharides in cotyledon cells, which supports the finding that protein and oil was inversely related to cell wall polysaccharides (CWP) in soybean (Stombaugh et al. 2003). The measurement on content of cell wall polysaccharides for both Medicago species is necessary in the future. Figure 3. Gene expression of AGPase small subunits (a) Medtr3g107090 and (b) Medtr5g104670 during seed development in M. truncatula and M. orbicularis (Vertical bars indicate standard errors). M. truncatula and another close species M. orbicularis showed different seed storage composition. Seed of M. orbicularis accumulated less protein and oil than that of M. truncatula. Gene expression data revealed that L1L and ABI3 were most likely responsible for the lower content of storage protein and oil in M. orbicularis. L1L or ABI3 can thus be the target for regulating the flow of storage compounds, for example, over-expression of L1L may result in more protein and oil accumulation. Compared to M. truncatula, M. orbicularis had a similar seed dry weight, but lower protein and oil content. In

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22

21

addition, both Medicago species had similar, low starch content. Together, the comparisons suggested that M. orbicularis might switch the synthesis of seed protein and oil to other pathways such as biosynthesis of cell wall polysaccharides. The findings in this study can be used for directing molecular breeding or genetic transformation towards improving protein/oil production for food nutrition or biofuel use. Overall, this study has showed that M. orbicularis is a promising model to study the mechanisms of regulating carbon and nitrogen flow in legumes. Braybrook SA and Harada JJ (2008). LECs go crazy in embryo development. Trends in Plant Science 13, 624–630. Djemel N, Guedon D, Lechevalier A, Salon C, Miquel M, Prosperi JM, Rochat C and Boutin JP (2005). Development and composition of the seeds of nine genotypes of the Medicago truncatula species complex. Plant Physiology and Biochemistry 43, 557–566. Folch J, Lees M, Sloane Stanley GH (1957). A simple method for the isolation and purification of total lipids from animal tissues. The Journal of Biological Chemistry 226, 497–509. Kroj T, Savino G, Valon C, Giraudat J and Parcy F (2003) Regulation of storage protein gene expression in Arabidopsis. Development 130, 6065–6073. Meinke DW, Franzmann LH, Nickle TC and Yeung EC (1994). Leafy cotyledon mutants of Arabidopsis. Plant Cell 6, 1049–1064. Mu J, Tan H, Zheng Q, Fu F, Liang Y, Zhang, J, Yang X, Wang T, Chong K, Wang X and Zuo J (2008). LEAFY COTYLEDON1 is a key regulator of fatty acid biosynthesis in Arabidopsis thaliana. Plant Physiology 148, 1042–1054. Rose RJ (2008). Medicago truncatula as a model for understanding plant interactions with other organisms, plant development and stress biology: past, present and future. Functional Plant Biology 35, 253–264. Stombaugh SK, Orf JH, Jung HG and Somers DA (2003). Relationships between soybean seed cell wall polysaccharides, yield, and seed traits. Crop Science 43, 571–576. Thompson R, Burstin J and Gallardo K (2009). Post-genomics studies of developmental processes in legume seeds. Plant Physiology 151, 1023–1029. Tonnet M and Snudden P (1974). Oil and protein content of the seeds of some pasture legumes. Australian Journal of Agricultural Research 25, 767–774. Verdier J, Kakar K, Gallardo K, Le Signor C, Aubert G, Schlereth A, Town CD, Udvardi MK and Thompson RD (2008). Gene expression profiling of M. truncatula transcription factors identifies putative regulators of grain legume seed filling. Plant Molecular Biology 67, 567–580. Wang XD, Song Y, Sheahan MB, Garg ML and Rose RJ (2012). From embryo sac to oil and protein bodies: embryo development in the model legume Medicago truncatula. New Phytologist 193, 327–338. Yamamoto A, Kagaya Y, Toyoshima R, Kagaya M, Takeda S and Hattori T (2009). Arabidopsis NF-YB subunits LEC1 and LEC1-LIKE activate transcription by interacting with seed-specific ABRE-binding factors. Plant Journal 58, 843–8

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[ 1.9353806825469189, 1.8780805679450079 ]

[ 1.662880925745438, 1.5512863206285303 ]

[ 1.2217286456299155, 1.2945670131409963 ]

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1,332,103

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CommonCrawl

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To get you started, you will find over 100 templates to Select from and can be filtered by industry. The templates are sorted by conversion rate that's very useful. It provides users with an chance to pick a proven template according to Leadpages' data. Do note, however, that there are many factors which Influence conversion rate. Since the templates are customizable, it is difficult to attribute conversion to the template alone. For what it's worth, Leadpages claim it as its most powerful and one of a kind sorting attribute. You can perform A/B testing so you can decide Which landing pages work great. You are able to assess your performance during the built in analytics (you are able to incorporate it using Facebook Pixel and Google Analytics). This nifty box may either pop up mechanically or Be triggered by a state you set. The most popular affliction is possibly the 2-step opt-in where a visitor has to click a button to the pop-up box to appear. If done correctly, Leadboxes could increase involvement And bring about more prospects for your company. Much like the landing pages, there's a drag-and-drop editor for Leadboxes to make it easier for users to get up and running in minutes. The rationale behind this one is construct a text list. Thus, instead of merely collecting email addresses, you can get folks on a listing with their phone numbers. This could be incredibly valuable particularly with the younger generation that is more likely to text than email. Once the recipient clicks on that linkthey are Instantly enrolled. They won't be required to enter additional information. This is especially useful for webinar registration and so on. After a quick registration process, you'll enter The dashboard and also be encouraged to make your very first effort. By default, you are taken to Leadpages at which you are able to make a landing page. You are able to access the site's other features through the navigation bar. To Begin your first landing page, click on the Let's Do It button. The website will help you through the process by asking you questions about the nature of your landing page. You'll be granted access to all of the available templates provided after. As an alternative, you can get the templates directly through the navigation bar. Now, It's important to note that there Are two types of templates out there. First, you've got drag-and-drop templates that are more customizable and contemporary. Then you have your regular templates that are tried and tested to guarantee high conversion rates. Standard templates are straightforward with small Room for alteration. You will have the ability to edit the text and substitute the sample images but won't be able to move any of the elements around. You may elect to conceal any element you don't have any use for but users need to do this with caution. Hiding elements can lead to apparently empty spaces. By dragging and dropping widgets into your landing Webpage, you're ready to insert new elements to edit. You can add text, headlines, pictures, videos, buttons, and much more. It's here where you are going to encounter one of Leadpages' most notorious kinks. The site's drag-and-drop performance is faulty. Putting elements where you need them may be a pain. For starters, you may just set them in areas that the template allows you to. You will find grids where widgets could be inserted while some other areas are off limits. Then there is the matter with precision. The widgets have a tendency to snap into position. And as is the case throughout our testing, they wind up nowhere close to its intended destination. Editing the text and images, however, is a cinch. Click here on any placeholder text and replace the existing one . You may resize and move parts. Page Layout enables you to make changes to each section of your landing page. Here You can fine-tune the looks of your webpage as you would through CSS only simpler. You'll find all your stored landing pages at the dashboard. You can return and create further edits, rename the document, produce a split evaluation (A/B testing), duplicate the landing page, or have it deleted. Customer support does exist but priority is given To innovative subscribers. They have access to some 1-on-1 Quick Start Telephone as well as free virtual workshops. Those below the standard plan might need to contend with chat service (9 AM to 5 PM Central time during weekdays) or start a support ticket. Users can register on a monthly, annual, or Two-year basis with all the two-year plan being the most cost effective provided you'

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1,332,106

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Philip Alves journalist · educator · web guy Vaughan Today FPCBP Magazine Toronto Observer Story Arts Centre Blog kapiTal Magazine My Media Biz Multiplatform Lab Web Guy Doctor saved twice from Nazis by Raoul Wallenberg Jan 24, 2007 by Philip Alves in National Post Dr. Stephen Lazarovits, a man who escaped the wrath of Hungarian fascists twice during the Second World War, has died. He was 86. He died suddenly of natural causes on Jan. 14 in his Toronto home. Born on Dec. 20, 1920, in Budapest, he was destined to be a healer. Determined to study medicine like his father and grandfather before him, he was accepted to university in 1938, one of only six Jews. There Lazarovits faced increasing anti- Semitism in the months before war ravaged Europe. In the latter days of the Second World War, Lazarovits was caught in an Arrow Cross Party roundup and loaded onto a train bound for Auschwitz. It was then, while still at the station, that he first encountered Swedish diplomat and hero Raoul Wallenberg. "Raoul looked at him and said to the commandant: 'I processed this man. He can go.' That was the first time he saved him," Daisy Lazarovits, the deceased's second wife and widow, said. Wallenberg is credited with saving thousands of Hungarian Jews from the Holocaust by issuing invalid Swedish passports that looked real enough to fool fascist officials. The second encounter occurred when Arrow Cross operatives raided Swedish House, where Lazarovits tended to patients. "Somebody alerted Wallenberg who came and started yelling at them. He single-handedly got those people out," she said. Even amidst all this, Lazarovits found time for romance. He had been courting a young Daisy Bartok, proposing to her sometime around 1945. She turned him down and married another man, but their story would not end there. Lazarovits went on to marry Susan Angyal, his first wife, and welcomed his only child, Andrew, in the years between the liberation of Hungary and the brutal Soviet repression of the Hungarian Revolution in 1956. In the same period, Lazarovits was forced into the military, becoming a colonel in the medical corps and running an army hospital until he and his family could escape. "He carried his son on his shoulders across a river to where Austrian students were waiting to take them to a safe place," Daisy said. From there, he found his way to Canada, where he became one of the first physicians to administer care to Toronto's Italian immigrant community. "He perfected his Italian instead of his English," she said. "He learned not only Italian," said Suzanne Farkas, his stepdaughter and Daisy's daughter. "As new immigrant communities came in, he made a point of trying to learn their language." At the height of his medical practice, lines of patients outside his office at the corner of Ossington Avenue and Dundas Street were common. Daisy said her late husband's popularity was due at least in part to the way he cared for people, which included making house calls. "He was one of the old-fashioned doctors that we don't have anymore," she said. Lazarovits was married to his first wife, Susan, for nearly 40 years before she died suddenly in 1987. Thirteen years later, tragedy struck again when his 45-yearold son, Andrew, died of a brain tumour, cutting short the life of the fourth-generation doctor. Having retired in 1991, Lazarovits kept active by travelling, researching and writing medical papers and taking university courses. The well-spoken doctor was also in demand to speak at weddings and anniversary celebrations, Daisy said. A lover of poetry, Lazarovits was a close friend and physician to Hungarian poet George Faludy and was instrumental in having a Toronto parkette named for him in 2006. Ever the romantic, Lazarovits rekindled his courtship of Daisy following the death of first wife. Again he proposed, but again Daisy was

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Posted inLife Americans underestimate public support for key gun policies Our misperception makes us less likely to speak out on the issue by Ohio State University December 22, 2020 December 22, 2020 December 22, 2020 – Gun safety policies, including universal background checks and mandatory waiting periods, receive wide support among American gun owners, yet most Americans fail to recognize this fact, a new study suggests. That disconnect may make it hard to adopt these policies, according to the researchers. The study found that when people learned about the true levels of support for these policies, they were more likely to say both in public and private that they would support the policies. That was true for gun owners as well as those who don't own guns. "Many Americans misperceive the opinion climate about gun safety, and that may inhibit their willingness to express their support in public," said Graham Dixon, lead author of the study and assistant professor of communication at The Ohio State University. "When corrected, both gun owners and non-gun owners express stronger public support for these policies." The study was published today in JAMA Network Open. The researchers examined support for three gun-safety policies: universal background checks, mandatory waiting periods, and safe storage laws. In January 2019, the research firm Ipsos administered a survey for the researchers with a nationally representative sample of 508 adults. Gun owners represented 30% of the sample, mirroring Gallup's recent finding in a nationally representative poll. More than 90% of both gun owners and non-gun owners said they supported universal background checks. About 85% of non-gun owners and 72% percent of gun owners supported mandatory waiting periods, and 83% of non-gun owners and 63% of gun owners supported safe storage laws. "The key finding was that despite high levels of support for these policies, most people significantly underestimated support among gun owners," Dixon said. Depending on the issue and whether gun owners or non-gun owners were asked, people surveyed underestimated gun owner support for these policies by between 12 and 31 percentage points. "What's striking is that most gun owners don't realize how much their fellow gun owners support these policies," Dixon said. What happens when gun owners do find out? The researchers explored that in a second study involving 400 gun owners from across the country. The data were collected by YouGov in April 2020. In this study, participants were randomly assigned to a message that either informed them of the wide gun owner support for universal background checks and mandatory waiting periods, or excluded that information. Gun owners who were told about the high level of support for these policies among their fellow owners expressed stronger private support for these policies than those who were not told. The better-informed gun owners also reported that they would publicly disclose stronger support of mandatory waiting periods to others. "This is important, because it shows that if gun owners recognized how strongly their fellow gun owners support key gun safety policies, they might be more willing to speak out in favor themselves," Dixon said. A similar study was done with 354 college students, most of whom were not gun owners. As with the gun owners, they were also more likely to privately and publicly support universal background checks and mandatory waiting periods when they were informed of the strong support among gun owners for these policies. In the studies with the gun owners and college students, the researchers also tested if learning the true level of support for gun safety policies would affect behaviors, such as the willingness to sign petitions on the issue. No changes in behavior were found. "Simply correcting people's opinion climate on gun policy may not be enough to encourage specific actions, like petition signing or donations to advocacy groups," he said. But Dixon said he was encouraged that simply providing people with accurate information did affect their private and public support. "Our findings shed additional light on how people's perceived opinion climates can shape their private and public attitudes toward gun safety policies," he said. "More practically, our study suggests that correcting misperceived opinion climates might be a useful strategy for policymakers and advocates in encouraging both private and public support for gun safety policies." Co-authors on the study, all from Ohio State, were Kelly Gar

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Buying or selling a property is the biggest, most valuable transaction most of us will make in our lives – so it's no surprise that it can be stressful. Conveyancing is an essential part of the home buying and selling process, and it involves a great deal of work and skill. That's why it's important to instruct experienced lawyers to take care of the legal aspects of the sale and purchase of your property. Here at Claphams, we offer a specialist residential conveyancing service. As part of our partner-led personal conveyancing service, you will have access to an expert conveyancing solicitor, who is contactable whenever you need them during your conveyancing transaction. We've helped numerous first-time buyers and repeat clients in Clarkston, Newton Mearns, Netherlee, Giffnock, East Kilbride and the greater Glasgow area achieve a smooth, stress-free property transaction. We use our up-to-date local market knowledge and expert negotiating skills to get our clients the best deal possible. Our approach is personal and flexible; we listen to your needs and wishes and ensure they're addressed throughout. Contact us today on 0141 620 0800 or fill out our online enquiry form. Inform the Land Registry of the change in ownership. As your solicitor effectively takes over at the conveyancing stage, it's not uncommon for buyers and sellers to feel they've lost control over the transaction – which can cause frustration and stress. We believe it's important to maintain communication with our clients. That's why we promise to provide you with regular updates throughout the conveyancing process and answer any questions you may have promptly and clearly. We have excellent working relationships with many local estate agents. As part of our comprehensive service, we can check if you're market ready and recommend local estate agents to work with. The length of the conveyancing stage for your transaction will depend on how complicated it is. There are several factors that could cause delays, including sourcing missing documentation for alterations made to the property or chasing late paperwork from the mortgage lender. We pride ourselves on our problem-solving approach. Using our in-depth knowledge and experience in buying and selling homes, we'll identify quick and effective solutions to any issues that arise during your transaction. We will liaise with estate agents before your house goes onto the market. We will check the title deeds and we will compare them to the terms of the home report regarding boundaries and other matters raised in the home report. We will also check that all documentation is in order in connection with any alterations/additions/extensions to the property. We endeavor to identify any potential issues from the outset. We will also advise on any potential LBTT (Land and Building Transaction tax) issues. Here at Claphams Solicitors, we are always upfront about our costs. Whilst many firms may provide a quote that seems like a great deal, they will fail to disclose essential add on services such as searches as part of this quote. We have no hidden costs and our search reports are extremely competitive. We also do not receive any commission on the reports we instruct so you can be sure we will always look for the best deal for you. The price we are charged is the price you pay, always. Claphams are on all main lendors panels, including Halifax, Virgin, LLoyds, Bank of Ireland, Accord, Bank of Scotland, RBS, Natwest, Santander, First Direct, Yorkshire Building Society, Credit Union, Leeds, Nationwide, TSB, Cheltenham & Gloucester, Barclays, Cooperative, Clydesdale, Skipton & Woolwich. Partner, Debra Clapham, has been involved in legal education in Glasgow for some 16 years, including as Senior Tutor and Course Director in Conveyancing at the University of Glasgow for several years. Debra is also Editor of a conveyancing textbook recommended widely as essential reading in Scotland's University Law programmes. The book, "An Introduction to Basic Scottish Conveyancing" is used widely by students, legal trainees, paralegals as well as seasoned practitioners as a reference and guide to the current law in Scotland. The book deals with the full breadth of conveyancing law, from mortgages and tenancy issues to registering the property on the Land Register. To read this online, please click here. With Debra at the helm of our conveyancing department, you can rest assured your property transactions are in good hands. We've helped many clients with buy to let purch

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an Lama 4. **RELATIONSHIPS** 1. Finding a Couples Therapist Who Will Always Take Your Side 2. The Best Organic Fiber Couches to Make Him Sleep on Tonight 3. How to Do "Sex" 4. Sitting Very Still & Staring Ahead Blankly: For Him _and_ Her 5. **SPIRITUALITY** 1. How Quantum Physics Discovered That Nothing Actually Exists & What This Means for Your Cleanse 2. Are You Doing Yoga Wrong or Just Mostly Wrong? 3. Glop's Resident Spiritual Advisor, Guelph, on How Suffering Is Inevitable in This Life 4. But Is Suffering Really Inevitable in _My_ Life? 6. [ ©sacura/Shutterstock Create ](9780062658005_Part_3.xhtml#pt3) 1. **RECIPES** 1. _Appetizer_ : "Fish" "Tacos" 2. _Meat_ : Roasted Chicken with Thrushed Nerfherders, Two Ways 3. _Vegetable_ : Easy, Filling Asparagus-Quinoa-Sriracha-Vellum-Bee Clavicle-Bone Fragments from the Reliquary of Saint Abban Magheranoidhe Smoothie 4. _Dessert_ : "Vanilla" "Ice Cream" Made with Rock Milk and Nut Gel 2. **ENTERTAINING** 1. How to Find Locally Sourced, Sustainable Karaoke 2. Tips for Throwing a Party That Screams, "I Have Two Black Friends!" 3. How to Let Leonardo DiCaprio Know That Your Carbon Footprint Is Smaller Than His 4. G's Favorite Party Games 7. [ ©Depositphotos Gain ](9780062658005_Part_4.xhtml#pt4) 1. **BEAUTY** 1. The Biggest Beauty Secret of All: Confidence (Also, Lasers) 2. G's Personal Stash: Use Crystals to Distract Yourself from the So-Called "Realities" of Aging 3. How to Purchase Healthy, Nontoxic Makeup (from Glop) 4. 3 Amazing Skin Products You Should Have Started Using 10 Years Ago and Now It's Way Too Late for Them to Make Any Kind of Difference 5. How to Smell like Glop 2. **FASHION** 1. Socially Conscious Fashion: I'm Still Going to Wear Leather, Though, I Mean Come On 2. Everyday Basics That Cost $1,000 but You'd Understand Why if You Could You Could Touch Them (You Will Never Touch Them) 3. The Glop Guide to the Right Outfit for the Right Occasion 4. Solving the Cultural Appropriation Dilemma by Appropriating from Cultures That Don't Exist 3. **HOME** 1. The Only Bidets You'll Ever Need 2. Décor I Would Never Personally Buy, but Maybe It Would Look Nice in Your Smaller Home? 3. How to Decorate the Wings of Your Home That You Have Closed Off 4. A Bunch of Expensive Fucking Pots, Just Because 4. **GIFTS** 1. 3 Gifts That Say, "Sting, I'm Sorry, Can We Talk? This Isn't Easy for Me, Either" 2. 7 Easy Hostess Gifts for the Woman Who Literally Has _Everything_ 3. Birthday Gifts for Your Friend Who You Know Wants a Cartier Watch but You Don't Think She Deserves It 4. What to Buy for Your Friend Who Lets Her Kids Eat White Flour 5. **KIDS!** 1. 4 Endangered Species Protection Society Memberships to

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Get Your Children Instead of What They Really Want 2. 4 Best Caviarz for Kids 3. Family Fun Picks from My Children, Perforated Hespadrille and Choade 8. [ ©Depositphotos Look At ](9780062658005_Part_5.xhtml#pt5) 1. The Glop Guide to Spending a Ton of Money in Paris 2. 10 Must-See TED Talks to Expand Your Horizons Without Ever Leaving Your Sensory Deprivation Chamber 9. How Will Glop Change Your Life? 10. Acknowledgments 11. About the Author 12. Credits 13. Copyright 14. About the Publisher # Guide 1. Cover 2. Contents 3. Chapter 1 1. i 2. ii 3. iii 4. iv 5. v 6. vi 7. vii 8. viii 9. ix 10. x 11. xi 12. xii 13. xiii 14. xiv 15. 16. 17. 18. 19. 20. 21. 22. 23. 24. 25. 26. 27. 28. 29. 30. 31. 32. 33. 34. 35. 36. 37. 38. 39. 40. 41. 42. 43. 44. 45. 46. 47. 48. 49. 50. 51. 52. 53. 54. 55. 56. 57. 58. 59. 60. 61. 62. 63. 64. 65. 66. 67. 68. 69. 70. 71. 72. 73. 74. 75. 76. 77. 78. 79. 80. 81. 82. 83. 84. 85. 86. 87. 88. 89. 90. 91. 92. 93. 94. 95. 96. 97. 98. 99. 100. 101. 102. 103. 104. 105. 106. 107. 108. 109. 110. 111. 112. 113. 114. 115. 116. 117. 118. 119. 120. 121. 122. 123. 124. 125. 126. 127. 128. 129. 1

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30. 131. 132. 133. 134. 135. 136. 137. 138. 139. 140. 141. 142. 143. 144. 145. 146. 147. 148. 149. 150. 151. 152. 153. 154. 155. 156. 157. 158. 159. 160. 161. 162. 163. 164. 165. 166. 167. 168. 169. 170. 171. 172. 173. 174. 175. 176. 177. 178. 179. 180. 181. 182. 183. 184. 185. 186. 187. 188. 189. 190. 191. 192. 193. 194. 195. 196. 197. 198. 199. 200. 201. 202. 203. 204. 205. 206. 207. 208. 209. 210. 211. 212. 213. 214. 215. 216. 217. 218. 219. 220. 221. 222. 223. 224. 225. 226. 227. 228. 229. 230. 231. 232. 233. 234. 235. 236. 237. 238. 239. 240. ©Depositphotos What Is Glop? Recently, at an after-party celebrating the opening of a new chain of ultra-luxe, high-end sweat lodges, I was having a wonderful time chatting with Dave Grohl, Melinda Gates, Naomi Campbell, Justin Trudeau, and the shark from _Finding Nemo_. We were having great wine, great conversation, and great paleo "pizzatizers" (cucumbers, bee pollen, and a glass of strained water), when Dave asked me what my lifestyle website, Glop, was. And I really had to think for a moment. I first rose to prominence as an acclaimed actress who appeared in award-winning films, as well as a selfless humanitarian who occasionally appeared in slightly less award-winning films as a personal favor to Jude Law. But while those were careers, Glop is my _passion_. And passions can be a bit more difficult to explain. So I began to ponder. What, really, is Glop? Glop is a business

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and a website, of course. But Glop is also a feeling. Glop is realizing that if you pick the right expensive organic eye cream, you can finally become a tall, thin, wealthy blonde WASP who fits seamlessly into the top tiers of high society, _but also_ seems like she's tried ayahuasca (not, like, a "drug addict" amount; just a tiny bit to help quit smoking). Glop is knowing in your heart that if you finally pay attention to all the tiny decisions that make up our lives—what to eat, where to buy your cashmere yoga pants, which juice cleanse will remove the most toxins from both your body _and_ your cashmere yoga pants—you can create an existence that you are proud of; so proud that you eventually transform from a regular person into a person who has been seated next to Bono at a 42-course seitan tasting dinner held in a sex dungeon deep beneath the North Pole. Glop is understanding that if you're able to carefully and intelligently monitor the things that your children eat, play with, and do, they'll grow up to be happy, healthy, and strong, and live beautiful lives that are never marred by rumors that they only shower with bottled water that has been stored in Emma Thompson's garage. Glop means all this and so much more to me and the people I share it with. When I turned back to Dave to tell him all of this, I realized that I was actually no longer at the party. In fact, I was midway through a Concorde ride back to my cozy third London mansion (my children, Philamena Hoobastank and Chard, playfully call it our "Wednesday house"). But then I realized, this information shouldn't be confined to dinner party chit-chat—I needed to share it with you, the people who make Glop matter. In the pages that follow, I'll share my favorite recipes, detoxes, activities, juice cleanses, vacation destinations, beauty tips, destination juice cleanse–detoxes, and a selection of hand creams that will open your third eye—the very things that make me _me_ , and can now help make you me (and, of course, every item mentioned herein is available for purchase on our website). Like Glop the site, _Glop_ the book is divided into five categories that cover the key areas in life: Achieve TAKING CARE OF YOUR BODY, INSIDE AND OUT (YOU REALLY SHOULD ALREADY HAVE DONE ALL THIS STUFF, BUT I WON'T TELL) Exist SELF-DISCOVER ALL THE THINGS YOU WERE DOING WRONG, SIMPLY BY BEING YOURSELF Create STUFF YOU GET TO TAKE CREDIT FOR! Gain IT'S NOT CONSUMERISM, IT'S MINDFUL ACCUMULATION Look At MY PICKS FOR THE MOST GRIPPING, ABSOLUTELY MUST-SEE CULTURE FROM AROUND THE WORLD THAT ONLY I KNOW HOW TO GOOGLE Sometimes people ask me, "Hey, don't you think these categories overlap a lot?" Usually, right after they ask, the alarm on my phone goes off, indicating that it's time to take some of the chakra-balancing supplements I made from a rare tropical fish that isn't technically endangered because no one except me has heard of it. By the time I'm finished and am able to respond to them, they've gone. Crisis averted! Dance like someone is watching (because I am), G * * * A BRIEF ENTREATY TO EXERCISE CAUTION Please don't eat the things this book tells you to eat. Don't wear the things this book tells you to wear, go to the places this book tells you to go, buy the things this book tells you to buy, or otherwise engage in any of the activities recommended in this book. They're not only potentially hazardous to your health—they won't make you any more like me, either. Sorry. You're just not on my

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level. Prudently yours, G * * * ©Depositphotos * * * BEAUTY * * * ©Depositphotos During the Neolithic era (10,000 B.C.–2000 B.C.), the average human life expectancy was only 20 years, and most of that time was preoccupied with the search for food and shelter. This meant that most people had only a very limited amount of time to devote to practices that we now consider the pillars of civilization, like applying foot contouring makeup and engaging in hair follicle maintenance. Unlike our ancestors, we get to enjoy the stability of private property, the security of a formal legal system, and the hydrating refreshment of coconut water. But when it comes to beauty, we're no better off. At first blush, this makes no sense—with more technology, knowledge about the world, and access to water that is typically free of mastodon urine, modern people should be able to develop beauty routines that run circles around those of our predecessors. But our ancient foremothers weren't constantly rushed, like we are today—they had the time to do things the best way, not just the fastest way. And they maintained their beauty with wholesome, organic products like polished stones, sun-baked mud bricks, and astringents made from the ground-up shells of the era's terrifyingly gigantic millipedes. Meanwhile, in our modern era, we seek beauty with all sorts of chemicals and additives that may quickly pop a blackhead or smooth a crow's foot today, but will make us—and our earth—pay tomorrow. For example, did you know that the average store-bought "quick fix" facial moisturizer contains ingredients that can cause depression, chin dysmorphia, searing gas pain, and a condition called "sideways peeing"—as well as what the FDA considers an "acceptable" level of seagull ejaculate? I don't know about you, but I think I'm the best judge of how much seagull ejaculate is right for my family, _not_ the federal government. But giving in to this poisonous march of progress isn't our only option. As long-time readers of Glop know, I'm as devoted and passionate about finding all-natural solutions to our most pressing beauty dilemmas as I am about teaching you how to steam a flawless batch of mussels or execute the perfect 3-point turn to avoid driving past a Costco—maybe even more passionate. Which is why, in this chapter, I am committed to sharing all my most treasured natural beauty solutions and secrets with you—no matter how much time they take or how much mastodon urine they require. _How to Make Your Hair Say:_ "I Care about Water Quality in the Developing World, but Not in a Depressing Way" ©Depositphotos We all love the look and feel of sexy, classic hair that has bounce, volume, and clearly communicates our beliefs regarding worldwide resource access issues in a positive, upbeat way. But while it's easy to walk out of a salon with waves that absolutely shout, "Let's discuss UNICEF's report on Water, Hygiene and Sanitation in a chill, relaxed way that won't make you feel like anyone is getting mad about how often you water your lawn," it's much tougher to achieve that look at home, especially during the busy work week. Or is it? Glop's favorite styling expert, Marjorie Huppington-Worthington, of Los Angeles's Marjorie Huppington-Worthington Salon—the world's only certified all-green salon located inside a solar-powered luxury children's treehouse—has some simple tips about how to get hair that says "I'm socially engaged! But not someone who is going to be a downer if you get plastic bags at the grocery store and then just throw them away, I get that we're all just here to hang": After your shower, towel dry and divide hair into four sections. Roll hair into hot rollers and let sit 1.5 minutes. Unroll, and mist with a light, flexible finishing spray.

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1,332,121

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We like the Marjorie Huppington-Worthington Salon's "Zuma Breeze Spray," which is made from actual breeze that Marjorie hand-bottles while tanning on Zuma Beach. Using a round brush, flip curls slightly outward for that "Salaman Rushdie once talked to me about filtration systems at a party" vibe. INSIDER TIP Flip your head upside down and then back up before leaving the house for a looser look. Looking for a finish that makes it clear you're here to discuss ideas in an unaggressive, purely intellectual way, and won't try to make anyone sign a petition at the end? Simple! Just work some coconut oil through your tips. _Natural Botox:_ Mummification and Lying Motionless in a Sarcophagus ©Depositphotos A decade ago, I caused quite a commotion at a film premiere when I showed up in a sleeveless Marchesa gown with resin-soaked bits of linen clinging to the backs of my upper arms. Tongues began wagging in the press, of course—people speculated that it was due to some kooky new religious cult I had joined, or that I had a new lover whose "thing" was tagging his mate with resin-soaked linen as a way of declaring sexual ownership. Both those ideas are ridiculous, of course— _that_ particular lover's method of declaring sexual ownership is a secret that Jenny Garner and I will be taking to our graves, thanks very much. The reality was much simpler: those paparazzi shots caught me at the beginning of my long, life-affirming health and beauty love affair with being mummified and lying motionless in a sarcophagus. When it comes to natural health and anti-aging strategies, no one has greater ideas than the ingenious ancient Egyptians. They knew that you can harness the power of gravity—much maligned as a negative force that makes our faces sag, bellies pouch, and cars roll into the front window of Barneys because we forgot to put the parking brake on or turn it off all the way or something—to actually be our friend in the fight against aging. But this _only_ works if we harness gravity's power dynamically. That means we need to utilize the contrarian wisdom of the Egyptians—instead of _fighting_ against gravity, we need go with gravity, and surrender to it completely by lying absolutely motionless in a large stone tomb. Through a combination of natural anti-aging properties, "sarcoffing" helps keep our skin supple, can banish cellulite, and will preserve our vital organs for the long and arduous trip to the afterlife. We can also give the experience an extra "pop" by binding our bodies completely in resin-soaked linen rags, to lock in the skin's moisture and essential juices. If you can't find an authentic ancient Egyptian sarcophagus, don't worry! Designer Anjelica Homonucleus has a great new line of sarcophagi in the $10,000–20,000 range—lovingly created from repurposed vintage shipping containers, they all come Bluetooth-equipped, so that you can still run your business, keep on top of your family life, or just catch up on podcasts while supine. I personally like to enjoy the respite and silence that my sarcophagus provides, and take the opportunity to binge-watch my body revitalize itself. My Best Organic Beauty Secret: _Being Born to Extremely Attractive Parents_ ©Depositphotos If you're anything like most women I know, your bathroom is probably littered with failed fad beauty products—creams that promised firmer jawlines but delivered only clogged pores, useless powders that tried and failed to whiten your teeth, eye shadows that were supposed to show that you were still young and hip but instead just led to a two-page spread in _Us Weekly_ where a bunch of comedians said you looked like you had cholera. Almost every woman has these "beauty fails" locked up in her cabinets. Yet despite all the money, heartbreak, and light-to-medium chemical burns we've experienced at the hands

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of our products, we still hold out hope that somewhere, within Nature's bounty, there is a beauty game changer—a multi-purpose product that will answer all your aesthetic prayers in a safe, nontoxic, natural way, no dangerous additives or confusing ingredient lists required. Today, I am pleased to share my most treasured organic beauty tip, presented for the first time exclusively to Glop readers! This one has been my go-to move since I was an awkward, gawky teen modeling for Dior, and it's served me well—and I am finally ready to pass this totally transformative knowledge onto you: Be born to extremely attractive parents. It's the kind of simple, intuitive, yet totally life-changing beauty secret that our toxin-pushing cosmetics industrial complex just doesn't want regular women to have. It's also proof that, with the raw, unvarnished power of Mother Nature by her side, every woman has the ability to banish the signs of premature aging, get the creamy skin she's always dreamed of, and become engaged to Brad Pitt for what was it, one, two years? It was so very long ago (but it was definitely two years). HERE'S HOW TO PUT THIS PLAN INTO IMMEDIATE ACTION: Find two parents who have made their careers as models and/or actors. IF TWO MODELS AND/OR ACTORS ARE NOT CURRENTLY AVAILABLE, YOU MAY SUBSTITUTE ONE (1) OF THE FOLLOWING: Host/hostess of an ultra-high-end sushi restaurant Regional beauty pageant champion (Northeast only!) Personal trainer Hero firefighter (40 years old & under) Elite dermatologist in a coastal area Flight attendant Extremely successful real estate agent who wanted to be a model and/or actor but never had the familial support, and then had to pay their own way through college, and well, here I am now, it's not a bad life, I guess Former model Remember, however, that only one substitution is advisable; drawing two parents from the substitution list puts you at risk for serious birth defects like facial moles or naturally curly hair. * * * NOTE: This plan is not a substitute for daily exercise, mindful meal planning, or having someone describe what carbs taste like while you hold your palm above an open flame. * * * What's Wrong with Your Vagina?! ©Depositphotos We try to do everything we can to stay on top of our beauty regimen—we schedule regular appointments for colon hydrotherapy and no-contact mind-massages; we have a licensed professional whom we trust with our anal bleaching, anal coloring, and anal double-process highlighting needs; and we make sure to always get plenty of rest, vitamin D, and unpasteurized snake milk. But while we're focused on these essentials, it can be easy to let other, less visible but still important beauty concerns fall by the wayside. I speak, of course, of your mons Venus, your flowering zucchini plant, your octopus's garden, your Sting's private island in Belize: your vagina. Did you know that even if your vagina feels good and has been given a clean bill of health by a medical professional, there can still be something terribly wrong with it? Clinical vagina stylist Blair Wintch estimates that, because these problems do not impact the vagina's health or functionality and typically go undiagnosed by doctors who think they "don't exist," up to 90% of American women will never be aware of the fact that they are suffering from a serious vaginal ailment: lazy vagina. What is "lazy vagina"? Simply put: it's a lady luge that refuses to carry its own weight, and as a result has become soft and sloppy-looking. Here's the good news: suffering from this ailment doesn't have to interfere with your vagina's right to a picture-perfect future. You can get back your firm, stylish vagina—or even get one for the first time—by utilizing a single ancient health

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technique that has been helping women for millennia: holding your pee. This traditional healing practice not only shapes up our junk and helps us fully absorb the nutrients in the healthful liquids that we consume; it also detoxes the urethral vestibule and actually _alkalizes_ the urerethral restibule, which I think is something we can all agree that we need more of in our lives. I talked to Juliette Horace-Goblin, my urine coach, who had these top tips for women interested in beginning their dynamic pee-holding journey: DON'T LESSEN THE AMOUNT OF LIQUID YOU'RE CONSUMING EACH DAY. This is a common newbie mistake! You still need your standard 8 to 10 glasses of water daily to stay healthy and hydrated. PRACTICE TENSING YOUR KEGELS. The same muscles you may have already been toning in order to improve your sex life. You'll want to do reps in sets of 10, starting with 5 sets a day and moving up to 400 sets a day. If you have a moment of kegelular failure, don't worry—it happens to everyone at the start. My advice would be to pack an extra set of pants when you're new to this practice, as well as a sense of humbleness and a determination to learn from your flaws (especially the pee-based ones). You may also want to avoid fountains, just as you get your bearings. A lot of new practitioners ask me, "Am I allowed to pee at all?" Yes, of course you're allowed to pee! Urine is an important part of the body's natural detoxification process; we're just turbo-charging it. You're allowed to pee once a day, between 7:45:03 and 7:45:23 pm GMT. So make it count! Over time, you'll see your body—and life!—change as a result of a dedicated pee-holding practice. Your sleek, powerful kegel muscles will begin to strain against the seams of your power suit, or peek out of the bottom of your short-shorts. I recommend buying outfits to highlight them, as they are a symbol of simple yet vibrant feminine power—think of them like Angela Bassett's incredible arm muscles. When used correctly and responsibly, dynamic pee-holding not only improves the look and feel of our vaginas—it improves our health and enriches our relationships with our partners and ourselves. And though a very small percentage of women who engage in a dynamic pee-holding lifestyle die each year, I can assure you that is because they didn't properly warm up, were not pure of heart and soul, or ate wheat products at some point. Or maybe they were fatally hit by a car and just happened to be holding their pee at the same time, so it was registered as a pee-holding–related death—there's just no way to know. All you do know is that as you commit to taking that iced matcha green tea cooler you're currently sipping and just keeping it in, a health journey of a thousand steps begins right now—with one held pee. * * * DETOXES * * * ©iStock.com/SStajic Of course, it's not enough to just stop putting toxins on your skin—in order to achieve real health, you've also got to get them out of your colon! Whether you're rebooting your body after a few weeks of dietary excess around the holidays, rebalancing your chakras after an almond-milking session gone bad, or simply offsetting exposure to your friend Sasha's children who attend public school, regular detoxes are an essential health tool. I first discovered my passion for detoxes in college. Thanks to a jovial prank executed in the spirit of fun by my old school chum Chloe, I got a paint can stuck on my head for eight days. During this time period, I was only able to fit a small range of foods under the brim of the paint can—namely rainwater, tomatillo rinds, and unbleached cotton—but when I was finally able

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to pry the can off, I was shocked by the amazing changes my time off from "food" had given me. The benefits to my mind and body were very real—so real that I've continued to start a thrilling new detox every 72 hours or so in the years since. You might wonder how you could possibly come into contact with so many toxins (especially if you're already following my beauty advice). The sad answer is that our modern lifestyles are absolutely full of toxins—nearly everything we come into daily contact with, from Egyptian cotton sheets to 8-carat diamonds to yacht paint, is dangerously noxious. And if we don't regularly purge our systems of these toxins, the results can be bleak. Many people claim that toxins are specious, scientifically dubious nonsense designed to scare the ignorant. But if that's true, why do so many Americans suffer from the following toxin-related ailments: acne, depression, taxes, third nipples, yeast varnicles, brain dumbness, fourth nipples, reverse kegels...the list goes on and on, and it's terrifying. You may currently be living with some of the problems I've listed above, because you think that this is simply the hand you've been dealt in life. But that is absolutely not true. A great detox won't just solve your physical ailments—it will leave you looking and feeling great, and experiencing benefits that you may think are beyond your reach, like reduced belly fat, increased glandular lucidity, some cow telepathy, and a small walk-on role on _Royal Pains_. The five cleanses below were designed with the help of Dr. Kate Fugelchorn, an internist I met who also runs an invitation-only pedicure salon in Gstaad. Dr. Fugelchorn's revolutionary spa-based approach to health flies in the face of repressive Western medicine, and embraces traditional approaches that believe the body must take periodic breaks from making poop, because poop is gross. There's a cleanse for every body and soul. No matter where you are on your personal health journey, there's an invigorating new method for you to avoid eating food and detox like a pro for a week. _Raw_ Raw Honey Detox ©Depositphotos If you, like most Americans, are used to buying your "food" from "stores," you might have seen raw honey, but wonder what _raw_ raw honey is. Well, it's exactly what it sounds like—honey in its natural state, before it has been treated with preservatives, heated, pasteurized, or looked upon by a poor person. Clearly, "raw" honey sold in stores simply cannot be guaranteed to meet these standards, so I implore you to make your own. This is a great beginner's detox —it is much less harsh than a more traditional detox, where you only consume thoughts about polenta. And it can also be created entirely from materials you already have lying around your own apiary! If you don't have an apiary, don't worry—you can easily turn your second greenhouse into an apiary. In order to ensure that your honey is of the highest possible grade, you'll need to make sure your beekeeper attended a university within the top two tiers of the _U.S. News & World Report_ rankings, with a minimum of one semester abroad, though one year is preferred (Asia, South America, or Africa only—studying in Europe is so hacky). Take my beekeeper, Jace, who got into Brown, but chose Vassar because of its smaller class sizes. He did his year abroad studying contemporary dance in Malaysia. YOU'LL NEED: **3 gallons of raw honey for each of the seven days of the detox** **( _21 gallons total, but honey must be gathered fresh each day—stockpiling it would be cheating!_ )** * * * DETOX DETAILS For the next seven days, eliminate all foods and beverages from your diet; in their place, eat or drink one half gallon of _raw_ raw honey. Also eliminate all film or television viewing from your daily life; in their place, just look closely at the honey, which has

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1,332,121

9,216

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a rich amber hue reminiscent of many network television programs. If you feel your kidneys shutting down, don't worry; that's a sign that your body is expelling the toxins. When your urine becomes a viscous golden rope, you're all done (as long as you're on Day Seven, of course)! HINT: If you don't have the time to follow this or any other detox yourself, get your assistant Liz to do it for you (I call all of my assistants "Liz"—I find that it's easier for both of us that way). * * * Raw Ice Detox ©Depositphotos Commercially produced ice is absolutely full of toxins, which prevents us from absorbing most of the nutrients present. With all the preservatives and nitrates most stores pump into their ice, you might as well be eating a blueberry, for goodness sake! But when we're able to consume ice in its raw state, as Nature intended, we can really get to the good stuff—raw ice is absolutely chock-full of "good" fats, R vitamins, and omega-eleventeenths, making it one of my favorite "superfoods." I first learned about this detox while summering at Tilda Swinton's castle, which is located on Enya's yacht. The local peasants introduced us to their traditional practice of consuming "ice"—I was hesitant at first, but one mouthful, and I was hooked! This is one detox that is as delicious as it is nutritious. Tilda likes to spice up her raw ice with a light dusting of chia powder, but that is wrong and Tilda will receive her punishment in Hell where she belongs. YOU'LL NEED: **87 pounds dry-harvested raw ice from off the coast of Languedoc** * * * DETOX DETAILS 12 times each detox day, follow this relaxing ritual: Place the ice in a stainless steel pot. Turn burner on high until the cubes have converted to vapor. Inhale deeply. * * * Ultra-Refined Vibrance Powder Detox ©Depositphotos Here's a simple one for you busy working moms out there. You know who you are—you're the ones who write in to me each week about how Glop detoxes are too "expensive," "time-consuming," and "fatal" for the average woman to utilize. And I've been listening! I know that time is at a premium for many of you reading this who are trying to balance work and family. While there are no shortcuts when it comes to health, there are a few supplements we love that can really kick-start a new healthy lifestyle program. The right supplement can help cover the nutritional gaps that turn up in even the most carefully crafted diet plans—so with the help of Dr. Fugelchorn and several former touring members of Santana, I've developed a detox for people on the go that gets results, rebalances energy, and will help you develop the "good" heart palpitations that are a cornerstone of any effective detoxification plan. YOU'LL NEED: **One gram of Ultra-Refined Vibrance Powder for each day of the detox** Note: _We'd love to sell Ultra-Refined Vibrance Powder on the Glop website, and we're presently in talks with several current and former U.S. senators in hopes of making that dream a reality! But until that day, you can easily obtain it from your beekeeper, or your beekeeper's roommate (you know, the one who never has his shirt on). Failing that, try asking any employee at whichever bar in your town hosts the most bachelorette parties._ * * * DETOX DETAILS Start each day by dusting a small makeup mirror ($33) with the Ultra-Refined Vibrance Powder. You'll want to properly plate your Ultra-Refined Vibrance Powder with the assistance of your Amex Black Card, a fish knife that once belonged to Milan Kundera, or

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1,332,121

10,240

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another thinly edged tool. Organize it until it is in a nice, neat row. Now look at the mirror very closely...very closely... _soooooo closely_...oops, did you accidentally inhale a bunch of the Ultra-Refined Vibrance Powder? Great! Now you're ready to go! Repeat this health ritual as needed throughout the day to support your detox experience. If you can't stop grinding your teeth or talking about how you have this _great_ idea for a screenplay that you really need to get to Angelina Jolie because you think she'd really just _get_ it, don't worry; that's a sure sign that your body is expelling the toxins. * * * Edamame-Pods-That-Have-Been-Discarded-by-the-Cultural-Elite Detox ©Depositphotos Once you've got the hang of detoxing, and are looking for a bit of a challenge that you can sink your teeth into, this is a fabulous place to start. This detox was created when I was having a hard time after the holidays one year; I had overindulged in wine fumes and cake air, and I was _really_ feeling it. Then, in a stroke of divine inspiration at the start of the Cannes Film Festival, I developed this plan and soon I got my groove back—so much so that I had to be airlifted to Vienna before I even got a chance to go to David Geffen's château to partake of the traditional Gallic diversion of "foosball." The real reward of this detox is in its complex simplicity—over the course of this week, you'll come to truly understand the rich flavor profile of edamame pods that have been discarded by America's top actors, writers, musicians, and artists in a new way—in addition to reaping health benefits like improved skin tone and "extra" blood. YOU'LL NEED: **$5,000** **Beeper number for "Gary"** * * * DETOX DETAILS "Gary" (whose real name is definitely _not_ Gary) is a discreet professional specializing in the resale of celebrity post-usage foodstuffs on the secondary market. A week's worth of "pods" will typically run you a cool 5K, though Gary and I have a trade-in-kind agreement where I give him 40 stalks of asparagus that I have viewed for 20 minutes each. I wish I could tell you how to contact Gary directly, but that would be a bit in violation of the broker-detoxer relationship. The best I can do is recommend that you set aside a few hours to hang around in front of the restrooms at the La Jolla Neiman Marcus. Make sure to look inconspicuous, and don't bring any recording devices—if Gary thinks that you are wearing a wire, he will end the transaction with no refunds, and he will be right to. * * * Locked in a Room with No Doors and No Windows Detox ©Depositphotos I adore being a mother. Still, every few months I like to travel apart from my beloved children, Patient Herbivore and Chillax, and escape for a spot of "me time," just to decompress. I like to go hit the open road in my Maybach, listen to some of my favorite raps music, feel the wind blow through my hair, and then get my colon thoroughly irrigated in a gorgeous pastoral setting. It's what keeps me sane. I discovered this gem of a detox several years ago, while traveling in a former breakaway Soviet Republic on one of these "me time" trips. I had received a hot tip about an innovative new spa in the area from Scarlett Johansson's nanny, Anne Hathaway. I was about two hours away when, of course, my GPS broke. I pulled up to a large house that seemed to be in the midst of collapsing and knocked on the door. I wanted to see if they'd let me borrow their GPS if I promised to have my assistant mail them a new one when I was done. But when I finally conversed with the man who opened it—a quietly regal fellow named Clod—I was shock

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ed to learn that _this was the spa!_ They had moved several hours outside the city and done away with brutal and unnecessary modern design conventions like floors, in order to provide guests with a more bucolic and rustic setting in which to have their buttholes washed. I am, more than anything else, an adventuress at heart—so when Clod, who I understood to be the manager, told me about a new detox program he was personally overseeing, I was immediately on board. After spending what felt like hours entering a series of darkened staircases, chutes, and bookcases that were actually secret passages, I got a little woozy. When I came to, I was resting in a sylvan grotto of a room filled with rich, earthy scents, charmingly retro "garage-style" lighting, and no windows, doors, vents, holes, or crevices of any kind. In this room, which became my home for somewhere between the next 7 and 32 days, I discovered a detox experience beyond what I had previously thought possible. Away from the rush and clatter of my glamorous globe-trotting lifestyle—and with food, water, and human contact thoughtfully withheld by the management—I was able to truly touch the core of what detoxing is really about. I used my time and space there to purify my body, renew my spirit, and astral-project to Moby's house to have a much-needed meeting regarding our summer share in Tulum. It was bliss. At some point I faded out of consciousness, and when I came to, I was presenting the Academy Award for Best Sound Mixing. _Vogue_ noted that my skin looked "luminous," but the real rewards of this detox run far deeper than my pores. I went back to the spa a few months later to try to thank Clod (and also to find the Amex Black Card that I seemed to have left there), but I couldn't locate him anywhere, and all the villagers told me that the spa where I cleansed had actually burned down with an entire family inside some 50 years ago. Which just goes to show—most of us are blind to the great majesty that exists right under our noses. YOU'LL NEED: **One room with no doors, windows, or vents** ** _(Rooms with no doors or windows but some vents can be adapted using putty and a belt sander—see the exclusive guide on our site for instructions.)_** **7 to 32 days** **Purified lemon-cayenne water** * * * DETOX DETAILS Wake up in the room. How did you get here? Is this the afterlife? Will God ever forgive you? Will you ever forgive yourself? You'll know that the detox has ended when you come to at the Academy Awards wearing a backless Proenza Schouler gown. Reward yourself with a refreshing sip of purified lemon-cayenne water. You've earned it! HINT: This detox is best complemented by some light morning stretching, which helps engage your lymph nodes. * * * **BONUS:** Make sure to check out our site for more great detoxes like: "Lucid Dream about a Banana" detox "Long Pig & Sunflower Seeds" detox "Water from Walden Pond" detox "Tulips & Dee's Nuts" detox "Hovering on the Brink of Death until the Last Possible Second & Then Someone Uses Defibrillator Paddles on You" detox "Only Foods Mentioned in Sammy Davis Jr.'s 'Yes I Can'" detox "Only Foods Mentioned in Melissa Etheridge's 'Yes I Am'" detox "Only Foods Mentioned in Yes's 'Tales from the Topographic Oceans'" detox "Be Super Drunk" detox * * * HEALTH * * * ©Depositphotos Every week, I get hundreds of emails from devoted Glop readers who want to know even more about healing from toxins. They want to know: are detoxes and avoiding non-organic

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products enough to repair our bodies, counteract disease, and prevent our organs from being harvested by our tough-but-fair overlords, the lizard people? Unfortunately, the answer to all of these, as well as countless other questions I've received, is no. In order to avoid the sad fates listed above, constantly detoxing and strictly buying products from the Glop website isn't enough (though it's a great start!). You also must commit yourself fully to a healing lifestyle. Luckily, here at Glop, we have some of the best experts in the field on our side, making new breakthroughs in healing each day. And unlike folks whose information on health and wellness comes from med schools where palms are greased daily by Big Pharma, our experts have a practical education—health information comes to them in their dreams after consuming a special aura-purifying tea (which is the same method that America's greatest scientists, like Benjamin Franklin and Emmett "Doc" Brown, used to acquire their life-changing knowledge). Together, we have uncovered the facts you need to build a newer, healthier, healing-er existence. 5 Everyday Things That Can Turn Water into Poison For centuries, we've thought of water as being a unimpressive "liquid" that exists only for us to drink and pee in; but shocking recent research has revealed that water is actually a highly sensitive and sentient form of fluid. Licensed scientician and proud Gemini Barbara Bell-Bivdevoe conducted a year of studies at her laboratory, the Calendula Institute in Marin, California, where she and her crack team of experts tried to hurt the feelings of water. How did they do it? The same way we humans do—with hurtful words. When I visited Calendula early last year, Bell-Bivdevoe walked me through her labs—each appointed with gorgeous unbleached linen window treatments—and told me about her work. In her research, a glass of water that heard the word "hate" repeated several thousand times changed its molecular structure, becoming bitter to the taste and slightly toxic to the body; a glass of water that was played a recording of the words "fuck you" on repeat for several days suddenly developed a calorie count of 200 per glass; and a glass of water that was shown production stills of Edward Norton in _American History X_ with absolutely no context actually grew up to be a neo-Nazi. Utterly chilling. Of course, these shocking revelations raise an even more shocking question: if water has so many feelings, should we even be drinking it? Unfortunately, when I returned to Calendula to consult further, I found that the labs had been turned into an Applebee's; my attempts to discern Barbara's location were rudely rebuffed by a 17-year-old who urged me to "move out the way" of a sizzling fajita platter. However, even though the whereabouts of Barbara and the $27,000 investment I gave her to develop a line of sound-blocking tumblers remain a mystery, we still have her wisdom to hold on to, to enrich both our lives, and the lives of our water. 1. STOP SIGNS From their overly bold and aggressive coloring to their hostile wording (don't we have time for a "please"?), stop signs are a prime example of everything you want to shield your water from. 2. WORLD WAR II Though we may all have our own opinions on this subject, we have to go with the experts—I consulted with 10 holistic historians while writing this list, and 9 of them agreed that World War II was far and away the war that is most emotionally damaging to our water. 3. _SCARFACE_ This film about the corruption inherent to the American dream is a modern classic, but everything about it—from the constant remorseless killing, to Michelle Pfeiffer's turn as a dead-eyed gangster's moll, to that weird part with the tiger—is the epitome of the kind of relentless negativity you want to keep far, far away from your water, or any substance you put in your body, really. 4. BLACK & WHITE PHOTOGRAPHS In our

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modern era, there is truly no reason to spend any time examining these eerie artifacts of a past era when colors had yet to be invented. Can you imagine how it felt to walk around back then? I can barely hold it together when looking at black and white photos, so imagine how your water feels. 5. THE PHRASE "IF YOU HAVE TIME TO LEAN, YOU HAVE TIME TO CLEAN" The 10th holistic historian finally got back to me, and told me that uttering this phrase in front of a glass of water and then drinking it can lead to a credit score drop of up to 75 points. Is it really worth it? * * * Don't forget to check our site for our exclusive article, "5 Everyday Things That Can Turn Poison into Water," as well as a list of resources to reveal whether your poison has turned to water yet, or is still poison. * * * Choosing the Right Shaman to Bring on Your Family Vacation ©iStock.com/sborisov I cherish my annual family retreat to Tuscany—it's a chance to get away from the hustle and bustle of work and city living, unplug, and recharge for a bit. I also love exposing my children to the vibrant Tuscan way of being, which is still connected to the area's ancient Etruscan ancestors—a zesty lifestyle full of joy, family, rolling hills, picturesquely rotting wooden fences, and unpasturized milk products. However, it's important to remember when you travel to a place like Tuscany (Provence if your taxes were really bad this year) that just because it feels like home doesn't mean it actually _is_ home. We all must face the sad fact that many people around the world do not take their health as seriously as we do. It's hard to find many of the healing and detoxifying staples that we take for granted in daily life when we travel—for example, an early family trip to Tuscany was marred by the fact that the local pharmacy was out of, and also had never stocked or heard of, triple-parfaited rose-lung epiglottal lozenges, which made what was supposed to be a getaway into an ordeal. After that experience, I've learned to always pack the essentials on long family trips—including a travel shaman! Below, I've included my essential checklist for finding the best travel shaman for your family trip—assembled with help from my own family's travel shaman, Chaaad (née Chad): ©Depositphotos Does your travel shaman have a valid license to conduct detoxifying "sand baths" overseas? ©Depositphotos Is your travel shaman experienced in conducting children's ayahuasca ceremonies, as well as the more traditional adult-centric ones? Since vacations are a time for family, you'll want to make sure you don't leave the little ones out of this one—they, too, can reap its benefits! After my eldest, Fiorina Hulahoop, spent a vacation ayahuasca ceremony confronting a screaming black scorpion that represented her own fear of success, she ended up getting promoted to captain of her badminton team the following spring! ©Depositphotos Does your travel shaman have any relevant background in your area? Chaaad spent a semester nannying in Tuscany right after he finished his MFA, and so in addition to helping us do healing work on our spirits and creating poultices for our physical ailments like hair sensitivity and sky rabies, he also had great ideas about off-the-radar cathedrals and can't-miss piazzas. ©Depositphotos What kind of sacred music does your travel shaman sing? I find that a shaman who's in tune with the local culture and willing to tweak his sounds to mesh with the environment can truly take the vacation experience to the next level. I had a wonderful experience with another travel shaman a few years back, who incorporated Tiësto remixes into an Ibiza-based healing circle, which gave the entire experience a wonderful texture. ©Depositphotos Does your family like your travel sh

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aman? This seems obvious, but a lot of people miss it! Bring your potential travel shamans around your kids and partner before you make a final decision, to make sure that he doesn't make them feel skittish or antagonize their third or even fourth eye. Before we met Chaaad, during a very busy season I simply picked a travel shaman who had been recommended by a few friends without introducing him to my family, and found that his aura meshed terribly with my children's, and also he was taking money out of my wallet. In this endeavor, as in all, trust your heart and instincts! Not someone's four-star review on Shalp (Yelp for Shamans). The Beginner's Guide to Sweating Diaphoresis (aka perspiration) (aka sweat) is at the core of all serious healing. But while sweating is second nature to some, others need a little help. Like me, for example—no matter what I do, it is _incredibly_ hard for me to get a decent schvitz going. Doctors at the Crystal Windchime Academy of Science have examined me and told me that my sweat glands are far more petite and toned than the average person's—thus, they simply don't want to leak. It's called a "sweating all over and looking all gross like a big wet sweet potato" sensitivity, and it can make life pretty difficult. It's not only frustrating from a health perspective; it's also a little embarrassing socially. When I'm the only one not sweating through my white linen caftan at a summer backyard BBQ-and-solstice-circle, I feel ashamed, like everyone knows something is wrong with me. The following techniques have helped me out immensely, so please, if you're similarly afflicted, give them a shot! And if you are able to sweat easily, know how lucky you truly are! Hot Yoga ©Depositphotos I've only had limited success with this commonly prescribed go-to for sweating—I'll usually work up a bit of a glow in the second hour, which is better than nothing, but it doesn't quite create the from-the-ground-up purification that a solid, pouring sweat does. However, feel free to try it out yourself—maybe it will work for you! Far-Infrared Saunas ©iStock.com/tomazl I prefer the far-infrared to the traditional steam sauna—the heat penetrates more easily throughout the entire body, and the lack of moistness means you'll probably only need a brief stylist touch-up after you leave, rather than a complete blowout. Again, I've had mixed results with this one—sometimes I get a nice, evenly spaced sweat-bead on my forehead, but sometimes I feel like I might as well be standing in my recreational sub-zero meat locker. But maybe you'll have better results—I say, give it a shot! Butlers Blocking the Air Conditioning Ducts ©Depositphotos In many ways, this is the most natural option, in addition to the most effective—after all, our ancient ancestors didn't have saunas or heated yoga studios. They did, however, have butlers, which is where this archaic Romano-Celtic-Mongolian tradition comes from. For best effect, arrange each butler bent forward at a 45-degree angle, with their mouth opened, facing the air conditioning duct—this way, you have the most body mass to block the duct's cooling airs. I don't necessarily get more of a sweat on with this one, but for some reason it just feels like it works best to me. Cut Loose with These 6 Fresh Weekend Colonics ©Depositphotos During the week, it's all about fitting everything in—getting the kids to school, preparing for all your work presentations, fitting in a round or two of facial bee-sting therapy—so we generally settle for ho-hum colonics. When you're that busy, simply getting your sphincter to accept the liquid and tubing feels like a triumph, period, so it's no wonder we tend to feel so drawn to those classic set-it-and-

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forget-it mixtures. The weekend, however, is a time for freedom, relaxation, and renewal—and that should go for our colonic recipes, too! These six playful updates on the quintessential colonic range from simple elegance to simply wild—but all are anything but boring. ©Depositphotos VANILLA AND FENNEL This understated favorite is like the Audrey Hepburn of colonics—it doesn't beat others over the head with your sense of style, but it makes it vividly clear that you possess it in spades. ©Depositphotos PIÑA COLADA A favorite for vacations _or_ staycations, this fresh and fruity mix reminds you and your colon that you're on island time now (even if you're still in your decidedly landlocked house). ©Depositphotos BIRTHDAY CAKE REMIXX Feeling a little naughty? Then try this decadent colonic on for size! Don't worry, we won't tell anyone (though we may ask you to share with us!). ©Depositphotos PEPPERMINT MOCHA Do you love the holidays as much as we do? Then get your fix of Christmas fun any time with this rich, bracing, minty cleanse. By the end, you'll be waiting for Rudolph to be flushed out of your lower intestines! ©Depositphotos AUTUMN LEAVES Mmm, this one just makes us want to curl up next to the fire (please do not allow any open flames near any colon hydrotherapy equipment). ©Depositphotos BURGERS AND CIGARS Trying to convince the man in your life that colonics aren't a "girl thing"? Then break out this ultra-masculine blend. Additional "flavor shots" can add the textural essence of fresh leather briefcases, recently used football shoulder pads, or important legal briefs, so it can be easily customized. 15 Things You Didn't Know Were Toxic and Now You Have to Stay Away Forever ©iStock.com/photodanila One of my greatest passions is improving my health by finding new things to completely eliminate from my life. Healing is a whole-life pursuit, one that will always find new ways to surprise you, enlighten you, and show you that no matter what you do, you are forever unclean. So there's no reason to feel let down once you've purged meat, wheat, dairy, soy, sugar, corn, potatoes, tomatoes, coffee, tea, alcohol, wood pulp, and foods that rhyme with "orange" from your diet—there are still tons of things that you have "sensitivities" to that you never even noticed. The 15 items below are my picks for detoxers moving to the next level of healing, but don't consider it a definitive list—think of it more as a dream (of avoiding these things for the rest of your life) journal. bell peppers silver heat John Mellencamp, the music of bell jars _Shark Week_ Gymboree, parking near a bell towers raffia cold Bills Bellamy and Belichick dragon (living) dragon (deceased) the fear that you'll never truly connect with another human being in a really genuine way youth soccer leagues * * * FITNESS * * * ©Depositphotos I was on my morning constitutional the other day, hiking through an absolutely gorgeous new Chilean canyon that I recently had installed on my Malibu estate, when I heard something: the canyon rocks had begun talking to me. For most people, this would be the sign that they were in the middle of a once-in-a-lifetime religious experience, or that they were the victims of a parasite that was rapidly eating a hole through their brain; however, in the years since I've devoted myself to living a more healthful lifestyle, I'

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ve found such experiences have become commonplace. Today, I consider canyon rocks to be among my greatest personal advisors. They've given me spiritual counsel, business guidance, and fashion advice, and during one particularly crazy summer they represented me in small claims court. But this morning, the rocks were whispering something different. I leaned in closer (though not close enough to get any canyon dust on my Ferragamo yoga pants) and heard a message that nearly bowled me over with its radical simplicity and perfect generosity. The rocks were whispering: "You need to tell people about your workout routine." Throughout my years as a public figure, I've always been reluctant to release details about my workout routine; for those who are not pure of heart and strong of spirit, hearing about my workouts can be a challenging experience. For instance, a PA on one of my films went temporarily blind after I gave her a detailed breakdown of my favored ab-toning moves. So you can see why I've always been reluctant to share this info with the general public (don't worry about that PA, though; soon after we spoke, she fell into an open manhole and I never had to think about her again). But when the canyon speaks, you must listen. And so, with that in mind, I present my top workout secrets, each of which help me deal with different problem areas and suit my many moods. I know it's easy to feel overwhelmed when you're looking at a schedule filled with work and family responsibilities—like any other working mom, I often feel that way, too. But I manage to sneak away and grab my 97 minutes of exercise a day, and I am here to help you realize that you can, too! 3 At-Home Workouts So Easy, an Academy Award–Winning Actress with Full-Time Nannies Could Do Them ©iStock.com/fizkes 1 The "Ankle Weights and 27 Extremely Agitated Wasps" Workout HELPS: TONE AND LENGTHEN CALVES, DEVELOP AGILITY YOU'LL NEED: ANKLE WEIGHTS (2), LARGE MASON JAR (1), EXTREMELY AGITATED WASPS (27), WASP FUNNEL (1) This simple workout has become a go-to favorite when I'm on the road, because it's just so easy—everything you need to do this one can be packed into a duffel or large Chanel classic flap bag. And the way that it uses the body's inherent drive to remain alive as a form of weight resistance is total genius. Stand with legs shoulder-width apart. Have your trainer or assistant grab the large mason jar and funnel the wasps into it. With a straight, conscious spine, inhale deeply through the nose, and exhale through the mouth. Have your trainer or assistant begin shaking the jar vigorously while screaming bug-related slurs. Pulse your abs for a ten-count as she does this. Take one more deep inhale. Have your trainer or assistant quickly unscrew the mason jar. Staying aware of your posture and form, run from the wasps. Repeat five times. The wasps are dynamic partners in getting your heart rate up, which increases blood flow throughout the body, purging toxins and building sleek muscle mass. Also, if 1–10 of those angry little guys do manage to land on you, it's not a big deal; sure, it smarts in the moment, but wasp sting therapy is an ancient health management technique—their venom is actually a potent anti-inflammatory agent, which can help with scarring, and actually reverse the aging process. However, if you get stung by 11+ wasps, it will definitely cause anaphylactic shock, so please make sure your wasp wrangler is available by phone during this workout. If you feel you've mastered this one, you can always mix it up by adding personal flourishes, like 5-pound hand weights or a faintly rabid bat. The beauty of this workout that it is infinitely customizable—which is why I find myself coming back

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to it again and again! 2 The "Whisper Athletic-Sounding Words to a Glass of Water and Then Drink It" Workout HELPS: TONE AND TIGHTEN LATS, STAVE OFF DEHYDRATION YOU'LL NEED: GLASS (2), WATER (1) As we learned in the previous section, water not only has feelings, but is extremely sensitive about them; if you say negative things around water, it will often "lash out" in response and change its molecular structure into poison, or even full-fat cola, as a result. But we can also make water's exquisite sensitivity work _for_ us, especially when it comes to fitness—if we whisper positive and sporty words to water, it will reward us by making us fit from the inside out. My beloved personal trainer, Elaine Wingle, collaborated with my personal water scientist on this workout, which harnesses the emotional instability of water to help us tone and tighten, especially in the lats. Pour a glass of water (preferably Fiji water, though water from Micronesia will also work in a pinch). Lightly caressing the glass, speak about your fitness goals in a soft, even tone of voice. Don't speak with bluster or bragging; approach the water from a place of vulnerability, honesty, and learning. For example, if you want to improve your mile time, tell the water not only that you'd like to run faster, but also how you feel when you can only run an 11-minute mile (i.e., "worse than a murderer"). Tell the water what you fear. This doesn't have to be something fitness-related; it is simply to allow the water to feel a sense of control in the situation. Tell the water what problem areas you're working on right now. With a straight, conscious spine, inhale deeply through the nose, and exhale through the mouth. Speak the most athletic words you can think of to the water for 90 seconds, without stopping. Some classic examples: "sweaty," "StairMaster," "1 percent body fat" After 90 seconds are up, quickly drink the water in a single gulp. As it goes down your throat and into your body, try to feel its path; now that you have changed its molecular structure with your words, it is actively toning every part of your body that it comes into contact with. Cool down by drinking a second glass of water. I like infusing mine with a hint of coconut if I feel like getting wild and really treating myself for a job well done! 3 The "Consciously Unicycling" Workout HELPS: STRENGTHEN CORE, IMPROVE BOUNDARIES YOU'LL NEED: GLOP BRAND TITANIUM EXERUNICYCLE (2), FORMER ROMANTIC PARTNER (1) When we experience trauma, it can be easy to see it as an excuse to begin neglecting our fitness. But what if we examined it from a _different_ paradigm, and began to view fitness as a tool to help us get to the next emotional phase in our life, while also developing our cores, which helps flatten abs and eliminate back pain? This workout was designed specifically for a time in my life when I was working through the end of a long and important relationship, and it doesn't only get the blood flowing—it gets the heart flowing, too. (Glop fun fact: the heart is actually _full_ of blood at all times. Really makes you think, doesn't it?) Though we crafted this to be an exercise done with a former romantic partner, single Gloppers can try it with a parent they have always secretly resented, a friend whose self-pitying Facebook posts they've grown tired of, or simply a small desktop mirror. After 45 minutes of focused isolation stretches, mount your Glop Brand Titanium ExerUnicycle ($4,860 each). Lightly pulse your core as you wait for your partner to mount their Glop Brand Titanium ExerUnicycle. After a round of Breath of Fire yogic breaths, your solar plexus should

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feel fully engaged. This is the moment to begin unicycling towards your partner. Cycle directly towards each other. Moments before you would experience the impact of crashing into each other, jump off your unicycle, into the pile of thick gym mats you have placed around the perimeter of the room. Did I forget to say you should place piles of thick gym mats around the perimeter of the room? Sorry, that should have been step 1. We'll correct that in the next printing. Lying where you have fallen, begin your cooldown by inhaling deeply through the nose, and exhaling through the mouth. Meditate on the fact that you had no idea there was a way to be better at being divorced than everyone else, and yet, here we are. Repeat for 45 minutes. * * * BONUS I: His Holiness the Dalai Lama's Leg Day Routine for Building Dense Muscle Mass When I met His Holiness at a recent U.N. summit, I was happily surprised to find out that he is absolutely as much of a fitness fanatic as I am! I invited him to write this bonus section so that humanity can benefit not just from his wisdom, peace, and kindness, but also from his amazing innovations about warming up your hammies. And he has promised to provide exclusive content about how to get absolutely shredded abs for Glop's mobile app in the coming months, so keep an eye out! 1. LEG PRESS 3 sets of 10–15 reps 2. LYING LEG CURL 3 sets of 8–12 reps 3. LEG EXTENSION 4 sets of 10–15 reps 4. OVERHEAD BULGARIAN SPLIT SQUAT 5 sets, 10–12 reps each side 5. STIFF LEG DEADLIFT 5 sets, 10 reps His Holiness doesn't require any breaks and goes straight into back exercises, but the spiritually weak may rest as needed. BONUS II: HHTDL's Ultimate Leg Day Playlist Sugar Ray, "Fly" Katy Perry, "Firework" Disturbed, "Down with the Sickness" Technotronic, "Pump Up the Jam" Mark Ronson ft. Bruno Mars, "Uptown Funk" Britney Spears, "Work Bitch" Pitbull, "I Know You Want Me (Calle Ocho)" The Prodigy, "Firestarter" Sugar Ray, "Someday" Black Eyed Peas, "Where Is the Love" * * * Inspirational Quotes from My Beloved Personal Trainer ©Depositphotos Elaine Wingle, founder of the Elaine-anetics Dynamic Body Movement Center (as well as the Attencione! Enema Studio chain), is more than just my business partner, my muse, and the woman who sprays me with a high-powered water hose if I start crying during Pilates; she's also my rock in this world and my very best friend. Ever since the day we met at my favorite neighborhood café—Elaine walked right up to me, told me I had a "gross, weird, square butt and abs like Queen Elizabeth II," and then sprayed me with a high-powered water hose when I started crying—we have been inseparable, and my life has been endlessly enriched by her wisdom on issues like motivation, metabolism, and when it's permissible to eat solid foods. I knew I'd absolutely be remiss if I tried to write a chapter on fitness that didn't include some of Elaine's sage advice that helps me keep going and strive towards a personal best every time. "You can't stop." "No, you can't stop, I don't care if your kid is texting you that he needs his EpiPen. He can still text, can't he? Then he's fine." "You need to approach exercise the way you'd approach any other big endeavor: with an open and joyful spirit. And then you need to let

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me crush that spirit." "If you stop cycling, ever, I will murder you. Even late at night, when you think no one is there. I know your alarm code. Do you think that's a joke? Five more reps!" "There's no easy way to get the body you want. There's no pill you could take. If there were, I'd probably have to go back to my old job as a freelance cattle-slaughterer, so yes, I am really pouring a lot of money into keeping them from inventing that pill." "I'm sorry about your son; I really thought it wasn't that serious about the EpiPen. Oh well, you live, you learn. Now, five more reps!" "Pain is weakness leaving the body. Feeling woozy and dehydrated, and then kind of slowly tipping over and messing yourself on the studio floor, that is also weakness leaving the body." "Sure, you could not do stomach crunches for a week. You could also go walk out into the ocean with asphalt in your pockets. But guess what? I'm only here to prevent you from doing one of those things." "You know who had a stomach pouch like that? Hitler." "You are the mama who's so fat that when she sits around the house, she really sits _around_ the house. That's you. That's what your children say about you when you're not around. Now, five more reps!" Workout Wear for Maximum Impact & Minimal Moving ©Depositphotos When we plan a workout regime, clothing is often an afterthought. How is working out in a high-performance, mesh-fiber tank any different from working out in an oversized T-shirt that says "I Got TANKED at the 10th Annual Stratford Marina Fuel Tank Expo"? This is a common mistake among exercise newbies—because choosing the right workout wear can not only enhance your workout; it can actually be a workout in itself. Of course, there is no substitute for a painful and grueling daily workout routine. Thanks to my daily practice, I'm a 43-year-old mother of two with the abs of a hyperactive toddler who only eats fruit cups. But today's top-of-the-line workout wear can actually keep your workout going long after class has ended; many chic workout companies now embed microtechnology into their workout gear to help you extend and enhance your results as you stand in line afterwards waiting for your post-workout "diet latte" (warm water served in a cup with coffee stains). Below, I've listed a handful of my favorite picks for workout wear that does most of the hard work for you. LISTERIA "POSTURE" BIKE SHORTS $300 These bike shorts—from the famous French avant-garde fashion house's new workout line—enhance your workout by encouraging better posture via an ingenious 10-inch corset-like steel closure at the waist. KAPOWP "GET IT STARTED" TRACK JACKET $500 L.A. boutique Kapowp's workout togs are always my first purchase on any wardrobe-refreshing shopping trip, and I can't wait to pick up this new track jacket—vibrating micro-beads are woven into the very fabric, which helps loosen muscles and take your warm-up to the next level. SANTANA "SMOOTH" SPORTS BRA $700 This fantastic San Francisco sports bra company has nothing to do with the '60s guitar legend of the same name, _or_ his late '90s comeback hit of the other same name—but it _does_ have to do with mind-blowing innovations in sports bra technology, such as this model, which gently warms over the course of your workout (or walk to the coffee shop!), helping your breasts sweat out toxins, become more flexible, and just get an all-around workout better. LE PUBLIQUE "CONFUSING PERFECTION" MESH INSERT TANK

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$900 Le Publique is absolutely the final word when it comes to exercise tanks, and if you try this top just once, you'll feel the difference—microsensors embedded within the fabric deliver tiny shocks all over the surface any time your heartbeat drops below 150. MONICA PTERRIER "FLAME" TRACK PANTS price available upon request Pterrier was a personal trainer before she became a designer, and it shows in her unique and innovative workout wear. Like this extra-special pair of track pants, which are gently on fire. CARDIMOMA "SLUT 4 YOGA" T-SHIRT $65 It's important to remember to have fun at the gym! Easy Travel Fitness Hacks to Make Sure You Never Have an Excuse to Stop Exercising ©Depositphotos As an actress, philanthropist, and internationally accredited smoothie expert, travel isn't a periodic inconvenience for me—it's a way of life. But even though it's my normal, I still get the temptation to let my exercise routine lapse when I'm on the road. It's true! When we're away from home, we all get the urge to just stay in, turn on the TV, and ask room service to bring us some toothpicks that were once in the same room as a pizza. It's simply human nature. But we can't give in to the urge to "let ourselves go" just because we're on the go (did you like that? I thought that up and then told Elaine about it because I was so excited, and she said it was stupid, but I said it anyway! I'm so _bad_ today). In fact, developing a set of resources to help you stay fit while you travel can mean the difference between a fitness routine that you "fit in when you can" which yields no real results, and a fitness routine that can change your life. Below are a handful of my most cherished tips that help me stay healthy and motivated while I travel. Improvise If you don't have time to make it to your hotel gym, or are staying someplace that doesn't even have a gym, like in a treehouse in the Costa Rican rainforest (even though you specifically requested the treehouse with the gym months in advance, but when you got there, they mysteriously "got your reservations mixed up" with Sean Penn's, and he is in that treehouse and is _not leaving_ ), there's only one solution—improvise! Improvising isn't just a necessary part of travel fitness—it's also quite fun! If you can't get to the treadmill, run through a public park. If you can't hit a hot yoga studio, just towel the bathroom door and run a hot bath. If you don't have access to dumbbells, do your dips with your travel Golden Globes. Fitness is less about specific details than it is about staying committed and focused. And if you forget about the hot bath you were running and it accidentally leaks through the floor of your treehouse and ends up killing the 500-year-old tree you were staying in, well, you weren't going to stay there again anyway. Stretch Stretching is the foundation of any good fitness regimen, but it's more important than ever when traveling, which can find you in so many situations that throw you off balance and undermine the agility you've been working so hard for—like when a pilot hits turbulence, even though you specifically told him not to. So make sure to fit in lots of gentle stretching whenever you have a moment. Bring Your Chef So many of us get on a slippery culinary slope when we travel—first it's "just one French fry, I'm on vacation!" and then before you know it, you've had three or even four French fries, and you're in a gloom that won't abate for weeks. This can torpedo the entire vacation—so remember to put your personal chef on your packing list. He won't mind! It doesn't seem like he has a family or even any friends, not really. * * * NUTRITION * * * ©Dep

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ositphotos We grow up believing in the food pyramid—that meat and potatoes are what keeps our bodies strong and our country great. But much like Santa, the Easter Bunny, and vaccines, the food pyramid turned out to be just another childhood myth. However, believing in this one has much more dire consequences than staying up all night on Christmas Eve or learning what "rubella" is—belief in the food pyramid is responsible for the obesity epidemic and the public health crisis of heart disease. And the only way to stop these plagues is to change the way we think about both food and pyramids. In the following pages, you'll find my exclusive guides to keeping your body healthy and nourished, as well as some life-changing tips for reimagining your relationship with food as well as your relationship with what exactly _counts_ as food. And remember—it's never too late to change your diet and change your life! Every morning is a new chance to feel grateful, be mindful, and eat a generous serving of avocado mist. The Glop Guide to What Foods Should Be Replaced by Pills, What Foods Should Be Replaced with Broths, and What Foods Should Be Replaced by Fart-Smelling Green Powders ©Depositphotos No matter what our day-to-day lives are like, we can probably agree on two things: we'd like to be healthier, and we'd like less actual food in our diet. Don't get me wrong—food absolutely has its place, like after a long day of touring your vineyard in the Elqui Valley, or to celebrate with your daughter, Fairuzabalk Hemoglobin, when she gets her very first side ab. But on a grueling regular day, when you have nine back-to-back gown fittings before jetting off to the christening of Kate Winslet's horse, you don't need food—you need the right vitamins, liquids, and stank-powders to keep you going. But while we know this intellectually, putting it into action can often be a bit more difficult. When you walk down the supplement aisle of your local grocery store, it's terribly easy to get overwhelmed—how are you to tell which supplements work? Or which won't? Is your diet lacking in vitamin B92? How do you figure out exactly what dosage of nut soot is right for you and your family? And, most important, what supplements can completely and permanently replace which foods? Don't stress out—we've got you covered. Below, we've put together a beginner's guide to which foods can be replaced with pills, broths, and powders that smell like a sweat-soaked pair of boxer shorts on a balmy summer's eve. FOOD: | REPLACE WITH: ---|--- Apples | Mosquito-husked flax pills Blueberries (Maine) | Clam powder (UK-harvested preferable) Blueberries (non-Maine) | Pillow salt Calamari | Mustard weep broth Chicken (baked) | Hectored lemon widge powder Chicken (roasted) | Hectored lemon widge broth (double-clarified) Chickpeas | Powder made from chickpeas Garlic | Nutritional yeast Okra | Triple-purified yam-daddy broth Red Pepper | Beetle needle extract pills Squash | Eerie moans Shopping at the Organic Grocery Store: It's Not Just for Poor People! Recently, a top-tier group of activists, celebrity chefs, and award-winning puppeteers asked me, along with several other figures, to participate in an experiment designed to help raise awareness. Now, the second they told me that, I said yes—if you know anything about me, you know that I _love_ awareness. But when they gave me further details of the experiment, I was even more impressed: they wanted me to live like a poor person for 72 hours. Poorness has always been a social issue very close to my

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heart—I know that so many of my fans struggle with being poor, which prevents them from being able to purchase any genuinely effective moisturizers, which is absolutely tragic. So I was ready to embrace this challenge wholeheartedly—until I realized I had no idea where to start. After a quick group text with my closest girlfriends (who I shall not name here, except to note that they were two of the three stars of the _Charlie's Angels_ movies) failed to yield any useful answers, I decided that this challenge was going to require some old-fashioned elbow grease. But after fully greasing my elbows (La Clariete Heritage Elbow Unguent, $76), I was still out of ideas. And then it hit me: I'd just find a poor person, follow them, and see what they did! Luckily, our senior associate assistant nanny, Claritin, had just clocked out, so I hopped in my Porsche Spyder (a car that I assumed would blend in better than my Maybach wherever we were going) and followed her. Eventually, she pulled into a parking lot in front of a place that I had to admit I was always curious about, but had always been too scared to go into—you know, like the big empty house on your block that all the neighborhood kids say is haunted? But I am not the kind of person who lets down celebrity chefs. So I parked the Spyder, took a deep _ujjayi_ breath (which some yogis call "the ocean breath"), and entered the infamous high-end "organic" grocery chain store, Round Nourishment Emporium. And boy, was I shocked! Despite its rough rep as a placed filled with brown and wilted veggies, toxic instant meals, and terrifying teen gangs, the Round Nourishment seems to have changed a lot in recent years. Here are the great things I discovered on my trip to to this organic food superstore—so if you ever find yourself forced to go there in an emergency, no need to be scared! 1 (Some) Great Beauty Products! While most of the shelves of the beauty aisles of this "emporium" were crowded with the usual convenience store junk (like shampoos made with natural rose _extracts_ instead of natural roses—what do you think I am, some kind of bozo?), I found a small but impressive selection of actually useful beauty products, including Pistachio Farms Pure Holistic Clavicle Butter and this French cream for burn victims that you usually need a prescription to buy. 2 Medium-OK Produce Let's not go too crazy here—the produce available at this store was still grown under execrable conditions, and will probably give you cancer if consumed regularly. But in a pinch—like when your CSA from Peter Gabriel's farm in Wiltshire is held up in customs—this produce could be used as a garnish, or even licked (but never chewed). 3 They Stock Your Book! When I made my way to the checkout line, I was very pleasantly surprised to find copies of my last book, _Glop You: 45 Delicious Recipes to Help You Become Less Like You and More Like Me_. The fact that Round Nourishment stocks your book should comfort any shopper who finds herself required to enter the store but is filled with apprehension by the strange, threatening gourd-filled troughs that frame the front doors, which forever open and close through unseen, ghostly hands. How to Source the Freshest Bones for Your Bone Broth, "Legally" ©Depositphotos For my money, there is simply no simple meal out there that is more nourishing, nutritive, and made out of bones than bone broth. As Glop-approved glandular holitrician Dr. Carolyn Burningman told me, the natural collagen, potassium, and magnesium in bone broth strengthens hair and nails, makes skin fresh and eyes bright, and insulates the brain in a cloud of pleasant, dulling numbness that cannot be penetrated by financial woes, environmental fear, or questions your children have about that karaoke movie you made with Huey Lewis. I hesitate to use buzzwords like "superfood," but if there is one

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food out there worthy of the designation, it is bone broth! All bone broths are prepared in roughly similar ways—simmered for 12 to 24 hours in a reduction made with apple cider vinegar, and then consumed alone while sitting in the back of a unlit closet, gently rocking back and forth (this helps tone glutes). However, not all bones are created equal! To take full advantage of the healing and restorative qualities of bone broth, you must choose wisely. This means both avoiding additives found in many broths purchased in stores—avoid anything that includes the word "emulsifier" on the label—and making sure that you get bones that are of the absolute highest quality, but also right for your needs. Some health situations call for a broth made from cows' bones, which can be purchased fairly easily from most craft butcheries. But others call for something else entirely, and if you don't know what you're looking for, you can end up very frustrated, very quickly—especially if you're not looking in the _right places_ (you know what I mean). * * * BONUS: What I Actually Meant When I Told Reporters, "I Would Rather Smoke Angel Dust & Knife Your Mom in the Face than Consume Potassium Benzoate" When you give a lot of interviews, something you say is bound to be occasionally taken out of context. Such was the case for me at the 2008 Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Awards, where I graciously accepted my award for "Best Guest Voice on _The Fairly Odd Parents_ " by giving a brief lecture on health and nutrition that I thought America was long overdue to hear. I mean, if our schools refuse to teach about colloidal silver, how will our children ever learn about it? During my lecture, I made the now infamous statement above. But odds are that you've never heard what it meant _within_ my acceptance speech—I wasn't speaking as myself, saying that I'd personally consume PCP and attack your mother, but rather speaking as a _version_ of myself, who would only _talk_ about consuming PCP and attacking your mother in order to make a point about the nutrition crisis in this country! It's called the Socratic method, and it's how children actually learn. So let's focus our anger where it's deserved—at our public school system! Every morning, I rededicate my Kids' Choice Award to the American child's fight for true knowledge. * * * When it comes to picking out the right bones for the job, I learned by doing, and luckily, I took notes the entire time. The following tips should help you figure out what bones you need, and how to get them—whether you're taking your first plunge into bone broth's hot, semi-gelatinous waters, or you just need a refresher course on how to get bones without ever doing anything that would violate any laws, which is, of course, illegal for you to do (most of these laws no longer pertain to me, thanks to 2007's Senate-approved Celebrity Freedom Act). ©Depositphotos Hair Rejuvenating Broth For a broth designed to help your hair become more lustrous, you absolutely want to focus on cow knuckles. These joint bones are rich in cartilage—the butchery community refers to them as "hinge meats"—and, when boiled down, they're full of nutrients that strengthen hair from the shaft out. WHERE TO GET THEM: You can purchase beef knuckles from any butcher, but if you want to ensure that the cow in question was not doing anything _weird_ with their knuckles before they were butchered (like using recreational drugs or getting tattoos from an unlicensed facility), you'll want to go to an artisanal snout-to-tail butcher, ideally located in upstate New York, ideally operated by people who used to work in advertising. ©Depositphotos Skin Refreshing Broth To perk up your skin, you absolutely want marrow bones from wild-caught Eurasian boars. Their plant-rich diet and l

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ifestyle of constant natural movement means that their bones are packed to the core with vitamins. WHERE TO GET THEM: Hunting the Eurasian boar in its natural environment is only legal in some states in the U.S., and even then, it is only legal to kill them using guns, rather than the large mallets that lead to a richer, more nutritionally dense kill. Please check state and federal regulations guiding Eurasian boar acquisition in your area, and never, _ever_ get your maid, Lana, to go out into the woods and feed SleepiestTyme tea to the local feral boar population until they are woozy and pliant enough to take down with 3–45 mallet bops each. ©Depositphotos Age-Defying Broth For an all-in-one age-defying broth that re-energizes exhausted muscles, helps restore skin elasticity, and smoothes fine lines, you need to mix a few different bones in your broth to get the right results—bones from different sources can actually complement each other, which means that when you get the exact right bone broth cocktail going, you're not only multi-tasking; you're actually crafting a more effective broth on every front. WHERE TO GET THEM: You'll want to start with a solid base of chicken feet, which most farmers have in great quantities. Remember to ask when the chickens were slaughtered—every day the chicken feet lie around makes them less effective. Then, you'll want to get some bones that are naturally full of youthful, restorative collagen. These are a bit more difficult to source, especially if you don't live near New York or Los Angeles, but remember—difficult doesn't mean impossible! Glop recommends sourcing these bones by hanging around near your area's most highly regarded cosmetic surgery center, and grabbing the "old noses" of kids trying to get cast on the _Even Stevens_ reboot. Again, freshness is the name of the game—materials found near the bottom of the dumpster will be older, and thus, less packed with vitamins. Finally, you'll want to grab a femur from an acclaimed model-actress under the age of 21. When simmered properly, this plump, vitamin-packed bone can provide months of amazing skin tone–evening benefits. Glop _absolutely does not_ advise sourcing this bone by calling up Elle Fanning's agent and promising Elle a mysterious, prestigious acting gig that requires her to come to the alley behind the Denny's on Wilshire right now, alone (primarily because it doesn't work). _Bone appetit!_ * * * Don't Forget the Blood! Over the course of harvesting your bones, you'll likely encounter a lot of blood, as well as some sinew and perhaps the odd thumb. But don't think of these things as yet another inconvenience of natural living that your maid Lana has to deal with—think of them as gifts! Spare blood can be used for a number of food and craft projects around the home; it also serves as a top-notch facial astringent, and, if it hasn't clotted yet, makes a lovely housewarming gift. I save all my extra blood in a decorative plastic bag with anticoagulant and sage essence ($42 for a pack of 3). * * * You Need to Eat Bees. Now! ©Depositphotos My visionary personal chef, Lusitania van der Beek, is not only one of my closest friends; she's also someone I pay to cook food for me. Lusitania's thrilling approach to fresh, whole foods is informed by her unique personal experience: she is a traditionally educated chef who has studied at the Culinary Institute of America and France's Le Cordon Bleu; additionally, a near-death experience in 1999 left her able to enter a trance state at will and channel an ageless non-human spirit named "Sacko Vanderbilt." Sacko is not only a source for cutting-edge information on health and nutrition that Big Agriculture doesn't want you to know—the infinitely wise,

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cruel, and timeless disembodied entity also has endless innovative ideas about non-traditional garnishes. (Those edible birch nubs on top of the pudding at my last holiday party? All Sacko!) Lusitania's inspired and creative thinking has helped me with so many of my health epiphanies, and so I wanted to give her a dedicated platform so that she/Sacko could share one of their newest insights, which is being reported exclusively to Glop: The time has arrived. The time to eat the bees. Do you think you are strong enough to resist? Thinking and being are two different things, friend. It has been foretold for centuries, in your religious books and your "tee-vee shows," if only you had been ready to hear. The bees need to be eaten and so you shall eat them. I am a spirit from beyond space and time. Do you know better than I? I was here before the first dinosaur crawled from the wretched sea and I shall be here long after the light on your hateful planet snuffs out. What shall you do until then, pathetic mortal? You shall eat some bees. Your earth-bees are dying, because you do not eat them; they know they were placed here to be a skin-enriching source of calcium and zinc for you, and when you do not utilize them for this purpose, they weep at humanity's folly. Why do you trouble the bees so? If you dry them, put them through your food processor, and then add a dash of them to your morning smoothie, your complexion will glow. Fresh-caught is best, though freeze-dried is permissible. But I do not need to earn the belief of hairless apes who think themselves so great for having left the jungle and moved to concrete savannas. Your time is shorter than you think. And if you do not want it to be even shorter, you will eat some bees now. Right now. The Ultimate Guide to Cheat Days Many people—maybe even some of you reading this—have an image of me as a stern, joyless taskmistress when it comes to food. Gossip websites, in a rush to have "new" information, often publish misleading, or even fabricated, information about my diet, like how I only eat solid foods on days of the week that start with "Q," or that I require all my meals to be prepared inside the Metropolitan Museum of Art's Temple of Dendur. In reality, this could not be further from the truth—if I were, in theory, to plug all of my necessary food processors, dehydrators, and rehydrators into the Metropolitan Museum of Art's Egyptian wing, it would start a small fire that would damage a lot of priceless art and lead to a costly court battle that I am still not allowed to discuss with the media! So, you see, it's all absolute silliness. Though my other job requires me to stay in a certain physical shape, I crave comfort food and "treats" as much as any other woman, and there is no day of the week I look forward to more than my cheat day—the day when all the rules go out the window, and I am able to give in to my wildest, most decadent culinary desires. The particular cheat day detailed below happened last year in Rome, Italy, where I was shooting a new film. Rome has some of the greatest food on earth, and, as you can see below, I was NOT going to spend my whole trip depriving myself. Proper nutrition is about giving our bodies the best fuel they need, so that we can feel amazing—but it's not about denying ourselves. 8 A.M. BREAKFAST 1 cappuccino, whole milk ½ banana ½ cup steel-cut oats drizzled with manuka honey 11 A.M. MID-MORNING SNACK 1 passion fruit iced tea (no sugar) ½ carob bust of President James Madison 1 P.M. LUNCH Caesar salad (no cheese) ¼ cup loosely packed soil flown in from Antibes (no rocks) 4 P.M. AFTERNOON SNACK 1 handful discarded bobbypins (usually 6–8) 1 cat (

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calico) ¼ cup Maine blueberries 7:30 P.M. DINNER Large tossed salad ½ cup roasted quinoa with shallots 2 mackerel ½ soup can (soup and label removed) 1 license plate (Louisiana, the Sportsman's Paradise) 1 glass white wine DESSERT 1 copy of _Michael Jackson's Dangerous: The World Tour_ (VHS) ©iStock.com/MaximFesenko * * * SITTING VERY STILL & STARING AHEAD BLANKLY * * * ©Depositphotos For years, I'd heard so much about the healing properties of meditation, and how it had the power to solve all of your personal problems, from insomnia and fluctuating weight up to and including unexpected tax audits and climate change. But I could never figure out how to do it—until the fateful day that a trusted friend pointed out that meditation simply involved sitting very still and staring ahead blankly, a practice that I already devoted between 1 and 15 hours to daily. It made a lot of sense, and also explained why I already had so few personal problems. The thing about meditation is that you don't really need a guide, because it's the most natural thing in the world. In fact, if you're not already doing it right now, without even trying, you're actually doing it wrong. But if you have been struggling to figure out how to meditate, as I did, I designed this 3-week plan to help introduce the concept into your life, and serve as a guide while you develop a solid, healing practice. Today, commit yourself to the 21-day Sitting Very Still & Staring Ahead Blankly challenge: no matter what happens, you'll come out changed...for the blanker! Sitting Very Still & Staring Ahead Blankly: A 21-Day Plan ©Dean Drobot/123RF DAY 1 First thing in the morning, brew yourself a rich, healing tea of mushroom hummers and reverse-polarized cashew thoughts ($8) and slowly sip it from a solid silver ceviche serving cup ($23). After you've completed your drink, inhale deeply through your nose, exhale through your mouth, and begin a gentle 10-minute Sit & Stare session. Don't demand too much of yourself from this session—this is Day 1, so you don't have to prove anything to anyone just yet (except that you're able to hold in the diarrhea induced by the mushroom hummers and reverse-polarized cashew thoughts tea for at least 10 minutes). DAYS 2–3 Repeat Day 1 program. DAY 4 Did you spend your initial Sit & Stares worrying about money, the kids, or why not even one person invited you to Burning Man this year, even though you made it very clear that you would be open to it and actually already had some pretty good outfits ready? Don't sweat it—we're about to make that a thing of the past. Now that you've grown comfortable Sitting & Staring (and now that you've thoroughly cleaned out your intestinal tract), it's time to take it to the next level: breaking free from stressful thoughts. Now, before I ever meditated, I found this to be the most perplexing and, frankly, irritating thing people who loved meditation told me. Just let go of stressful thoughts? If it was that easy, wouldn't we all?? That's before I realized the true innovation that powers the Sitting Very Still & Staring Ahead Blankly program: a Stress Intern. Brianne, my Stress Intern, is a student at Occidental College, where she is majoring in something; and as part of her degree program, she comes to my home six times each fortnight and unburdens me of all of my stresses, carrying it upon her own shoulders. Everyone can develop their own method of working with their Stress Intern, but this is what works best for me: At 6 a.m., I wake up with some hot water with lemon, and Brianne arrives. We both enter my meditation chamber; I begin a Sit & Stare while Brianne sits silently next

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to me holding a notebook. When a Stressful Thought comes to me, I say it out loud, and Brianne writes it down. Once I have spoken the thought aloud, I return to quiet until another Stressful Thought arises, and we repeat the process. At the end of the Sit & Stare, I move on with my day, and Brianne coordinates with my pool of assistants to work on or solve most of my Stressful Thoughts. She then sends me an email updating me on their statuses at the end of the workday. Once you receive such an email from your very own Stress Intern, the healing, stress-relieving magic of meditation in general, and Sitting Very Still & Staring Ahead Blankly in particular, will become very real for you. DAYS 5–8 Repeat Day 4 program. A NOTE ON THESE DAYS: While growth may happen very quickly during this part of the program, it also may not be happening fast enough for you to feel satisfied—you may feel haunted by certain Stressful Thoughts that feel irresolvable, like the needling belief that somewhere on earth, there exists a couch nicer than yours. In these situations, I have a personal go-to tactic that I haven't seen in any other meditation guides, but which always does the trick for me: I have my Stress Intern fetch me a solid crystal gravy boat from my solid crystal gravy boat collection. I rise from my Sitting Very Still & Staring Ahead Blankly back support pillow ($75) and smash the gravy boat to pieces on the ground, while screaming "Shitshitshitshitshit." I then resume my place on the cushion, and make sure that my Stress Intern makes a note to buy more solid crystal gravy boats. DAYS 9–20 I've set aside these days as a modified part of the program, in case you get called back to the set of your film franchise and have to do some reshoots (please adjust the program's calendar to your own reshoot schedule). If you're able to travel with your Stress Intern and dedicate a full hour to SVS & SAB, that's fantastic! But if the rigors of your schedule preclude this, I recommend beginning each morning with a Day 1 SVS & SAB, followed by this in the evening: Call up your Stress Intern, and put them on speakerphone. Tell them you left your Sitting Very Still & Staring Ahead Blankly back support pillow at home and could they please send you a new one. Sit on a hotel pillow, inhaling deeply through your nose and exhaling through your mouth, as your Stress Intern gently hums to you for up to 5 minutes (make sure they have read our blog post, "10 Great Soothing Hums for Your Boss's Stress Relief"). End with 5 minutes of SVS & SAB where you don't say anything, but have them stay on the line, just in case. DAY 21 Congratulations! You've changed your entire life, just by Sitting Very Still & Staring Ahead Blankly! After you've developed a solid routine, you may want to seek further assistance from a meditation teacher—I recommend one who offers both group and one-on-one classes, and who got into meditation after burning out in a glamorous but high-stress arts career (my teacher used to be a touring keyboardist for noted post-grunge artists Marcy Playground). But even if you don't end up exploring meditation on a deeper level, I hope you feel that much more relaxed, hopeful, and problem-free, and infinitely blanker, than you did three weeks ago. Also, if you told your Stress Intern that you were certified to provide college credit for their work, now might be a good time to tell them that wasn't actually true. I'm looking forward to telling Brianne next week! * * * WORK & FINANCES * * * ©iStock.com/DragonImages Our beliefs about money speak volumes about our sense of self, inner spiritual lives, and blood glucose levels—and for these reasons, we have to understand them. In the following pages, I'll share my most treasured secrets for finding your financial truth, connecting with your financial spirit, and

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figuring out if that uncomfortable chaise lounge you have is actually just a pile of gold bars that your assistant forgot to put in your Doomsday Vault. Like many of us, I was initially reluctant to learn about personal finance. I think of myself as an artist, a being of creation and light—not someone who wants to spend her time haggling over "tax breaks," "interest rates," or "structured payouts to keep your former au pair from discussing the 'Marfa Incident' with the media." However, in 2005, I learned a very tough lesson after I spent 3 months spent in a very challenging variation on the crow pose and forgot to do my taxes. If I hadn't been able to declare a loss that year (due to an unwise investment in an educational cartoon series designed to teach toddlers about the mysterious circumstances surrounding Jim Morrison's death), I would have been ruined. I knew right then that I had to take control of my finances, no matter how scary or spiritually off-putting it might feel. And it turned out that learning about money was not so bad! Invite Abundance into Your Life by Having More Money ©Depositphotos We live in uncertain times. Political instability, environmental disasters, lazy and undisciplined butlers—there's never a shortage of things to lose sleep over. But for many of us, the biggest stressor is finances. How can we feel more confident that we can provide the best for our kids? Will we always have to worry about retirement? Is there a way to make our family "recession-proof"? None of us are immune to financial fears—even I sometimes worry about the future (especially in 2008–2009, when I sank a lot of money into a direct mail company that sold packaged "cleanse" meals that actually turned out to be damp sawdust). Luckily, I have my financial spirit-worker, certified hypnotherapist, and accredited life coach (Canada only) Bretaigne Dokken on my speed dial to talk me through any money woes. Through working with Bretaigne, I've learned that most of what we think of as "money woes" are actually easy to solve. That's because when we don't have money, it's just because our souls are resistant to becoming rich. We can fix this by actively inviting abundance into our lives, through some of the simple exercises Bretaigne and I developed below. Go to the bank. This worked for me, during my great "money scare" of '09. After spending the entire winter huffing and puffing about how much money I had already lost and how much more the FDA fine was going to set me back—particularly unfair when you think about it, because it _was_ nutritional-grade sawdust—I finally went down to my bank, where I discovered I still had several million dollars. In fact, there was actually more money there than the last time I checked. That's why I suggest that you make this practice your first line of defense when you're worried about money—you may have forgotten how much you actually had in there, or some residual checks for that perfume ad you did might have finally cleared. Draw new money to you. If you check your bank and find that there still is a need for more money, a great next step is to create a financial abundance ritual to draw money to you. Money is a little bit like a swarm of bees—get the right bait and you can capture it and make it work for you, but go about it wrong, and you'll have a dead apiary manager and yet another time-consuming lawsuit on your hands. So it is important to draw money to you correctly. One method Bretaigne recommends is scenting the air with the essence of money. To do this, purchase a small money altar ($182) and, using a single soy-wax candle, burn money, releasing its essence into the air so that it can attract wealth to you. Bretaigne suggests using the kind of money you hope to acquire—so if you want hundreds, burn a hundred; if you want thousands, burn a large pile of hundreds, etc. This is your financial future, and worth taking seriously—it is no place to cut corners. Make sure that you feel comfortable around

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money. When we have a difficult time obtaining money, sometimes it is because we don't feel comfortable and natural around money. Maybe we didn't grow up around it and feel like we "don't know how to act around money." Maybe it makes us feel guilty because, at one point, we were giving a lot of interviews about how we made all of our own money because our parents totally cut us off financially at 18, and it wasn't, like, 100 percent accurate. No matter what the cause, the solution is always to become more familiar with money. Get intimately familiar with money, and realize that there's nothing to be afraid of—it's intimidating at a distance but totally regular close-up, just like Ben Affleck. One of my favorite techniques for increasing comfort around money is to fill a pool with cool, luscious gold coins on a hot day, and dive in. Swimming among the coins is always such a refreshing, peace-building experience. Don't worry, money naturally just replenishes itself. We get a lot of emails here at Glop HQ from women who are nervous about balancing their family's financial future with their needs for high-end luxury goods. "Will I regret spending this $200 on a luxe eye cream made from ground nettle and sparrow fumes? Especially if little Timmy eats gluten tomorrow and I end up having to take him to the emergency room?" These women have forgotten—or maybe never learned in the first place, due to our disappointing, standardized-test-oriented American school system—that we don't ever need to be concerned about money running out, because they forgot Bretaigne's #1 Law of Financial Balance: Money Always Just Naturally Replenishes Itself. I had never considered it prior to meeting Bretaigne, but once she told me, I was shocked to realize it had been under my nose the entire time! It's true—every time I check my bank account, there IS more money in it. She really changed my perspective. Quality, Not Quantity ( _But Also Quantity_ ) ©Depositphotos In a hyper-materialistic culture, it can become so easy to focus on the wrong things, like how much stuff we acquire. We think having a lot of stuff will make us happy, but we're dead wrong—actually, it's having really nice stuff that makes us happy. The true thing to value in our lives isn't how many things you have, but how much you like the things you have, and then also how many of them you have. Are you worried that you might be too concerned with quantity? Use this simple exercise to figure out if you're hung up on just having a lot of stuff, or if you're focusing on the right things, like just a few really cute Fendi purses for everyday. Moving through your living space, pick up every item that your sight falls on. How does it make you feel? Does it make you sizzle with exhilaration? Or is it just a reminder of a bored Saturday afternoon you spent at the Prada store next to the Vatican? Items that make you feel exhilarated can stay; but items that don't immediately connect with you should be given away immediately, to create the mental space necessary to go buy tons of nicer new stuff. Though I mostly put this into action around the house, it can apply to any situation in your life—from assessing your art collection to your real estate properties (sorry, Denver!). The important part to remember is that you don't have to be afraid of "not having enough" and clinging to objects out of familiarity—you can still be whole without them (provided you immediately go out and replace them with other, better versions, or even just a tasteful $500 Diptyque candle). ©Depositphotos _The Universe's #1 Financial Law:_ If You're Poor, It's Because You Keep Thinking about Being Poor ©Depositphotos When Bretaigne explained this one to me, it blew my mind: since our inner thoughts shape our outer reality, when we're experiencing financial trouble, it's because _we can't stop thinking about being in financial trouble_. I looked for evidence in my own life, and found it in spades: I'm constantly thinking about how rich I am, and as a result, I'm really rich

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. This is another important principle to remember: the opposite of any financial law is also true. So if your insistence on thinking poor thoughts is keeping you poor, the only way to pull yourself up by your Saint Laurent sandals is to start thinking rich thoughts. If you're struggling with finding your own wealth-generating rich thoughts to think, I've presented a few of my own, which you can model yours on (or just use yourself! Don't worry, we won't tell): "This yacht is so tiny. What, does this yacht belong to a 9th grader?" "If everyone in this country wasn't too lazy to find a personal chef who only worked with whole, organic foods, we wouldn't have an obesity epidemic. I mean, god knows what these people's personal chefs are feeding them! I can't even imagine where they went to culinary school." "Where's my car? Lana, can you get me a car?" "If they want me to agree to _Tenenbaums 2_ , they're going to have to really up this offer AND work a lot harder on this subplot about how we're broke so Luke and I need to win a dance contest in order to save the old mansion." "Well, being organic-fed is only half of the nutrient story. How would you describe this cow's personal spiritual belief system?" Learning What a "Boss" Is so You Can Explain That You Are Your Own Being your own boss is the American dream. In fact, 9 out of 10 of my assistants reported on an anonymous survey that they "dreamed of becoming their own boss and never again having to work for a lunatic-tyrant who believes her bulgur consumption levels have given her the ability to enter the astral plane at will." When I heard that, my first thought was, "Me too! I want to live the American dream and be my own boss!" My second thought was, "But am I already my own boss?" My third thought was, "How can any of us know, when nobody even really knows what a boss is?" My fourth through thirtieth thoughts were mostly about which tomatillos I should take to Sir Phil Collins's upcoming Boxing Day potluck. But first thing the next morning, I was back at it and hot on the trail of defining a "boss." If you, too, have always dreamed of being your own boss, but have been held back by the fact that you're not really clear on what a "boss" is, you can put these tips to work for you. Check the dictionary. My first stop was my personal library to check the dictionary. However, as I began to search for the definition, I was reminded that all the books I own—with the exception of cookbooks and a first-edition copy of _The Power of Now_ —are actually just book jackets that my interior decorator purchased at an estate sale. If this happens to you, don't let it hold you back—as you're about to discover, there are plenty of other options at your disposal. Check the Urban Dictionary. Since paper books were a bust, I went to the books of today—the Internet. I ended up on a site called Urban Dictionary, which seemed like it would probably have the most up-to-date info, on account of being located in a centralized city area, instead of rarely amended rural-based dictionaries. According to Urban Dictionary, a boss is "Incredibly Awesome; miraculous; great." While some of that checked out—I could certainly easily qualify as being my own Incredibly Awesome, miraculous, great—I felt like I was only getting half the picture. Check Wikipedia. When I asked my 4th assistant, Galactica, she suggested that I google it, which brought me to a site called Wikipedia. According to this site, a "boss" is "a person in charge" but also potentially Bruce Springsteen, the head of a criminal organization, a lunar crater, a 2013 Hindi-language film starring Akshay Kumar, and a number of other confusing possibilities. Yell into your phone. Since I'd experienced trouble with both real books and the Internet, I thought I'd have better luck with my trusty phone. I spent 15 frustrating minutes shouting "Am I my own boss?" at it before my 5th assistant, C

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rysantitium, came in and told me my phone was turned off. She then also informed me that not only was I my own boss, but I was also her boss, and that she could not set up a direct deposit system for dried sage leaves as I had requested earlier in the day. It's so important to always be learning...especially when you're your own (and apparently several other people's) boss. * * * PARENTHOOD * * * ©Depositphotos There is no task more simultaneously thrilling and terrifying than raising a child. I still remember the potent mix of joy and fear I felt the first moment I held my daughter, Pharisees Homonculus—I knew she was the center of my world now, that I had to do everything I could to protect her, and that everything had changed. At the time, I had thought that would involve shielding her from speeding cars or unsafe swing sets; now I see that it mostly involves helping her stick to a family diet plan where no one eats foods grown in areas with fewer than five Montessori schools. But it's the exact same feeling, and one that every mother knows—there is simply nothing as important as making sure that our kids are healthy, happy, and have very low BMIs. In this chapter, I share a few of the parenting tips I've picked up in the decade-plus since that fateful day in the maternity ward in the hospital on George Clooney's Lake Como estate. Now, I am aware that parenting advice—as well as what exactly qualifies as good parenting—is a very charged issue nowadays. I know that I personally landed in some hot water a few years ago, when I told a certain entertainment channel that being a celebrity mom is "way harder than being some regular mom who works at the drugstore or bank or something. Like, sometimes I get a phone call, and they're like, 'You're going to Cannes!' But the drugstore is in the same place every day, you know? It's never in Cannes; it's always in whatever repugnant little town these people live in. And I really envy that. Oh my god, wait, has this recorder been on this whole ti—" But all I meant was that I think you moms who work at banks and drugstores and whatnot are the real heroes! You work tirelessly to give your kids the things they need, even though that means that you have to make due with stretched-out yoga pants, or, even more chillingly, with no yoga pants at all. This one's for you! 9 Additives That I Can't Believe You Let Your Children Go Near ©iStock.com/jdwfoto Though we went over one of the biggest overlooked threats to your child's well-being at the top of this chapter, there are still plenty of threats to your baby's health (and even life!) that you're overlooking every day. Even if you're aware of the biggies, like food preservatives and polyester underpants, you're probably missing a plethora of other poisons, toxins, and additives that could be hurting your little one's development. Ignoring these threats puts him at a disadvantage for everything from getting into a good preschool to launching his own line of playfully embroidered jacquard silk teething bibs. So make sure to keep an eye out for how much exposure your child has to the following toxins: 1 sodium 2 English-language cartoons 3 cake 4 low-thread-count sheets and blankets 5 living ducks 6 bricks 7 dolls not personally gifted by Zac Posen 8 "ham" 9 pollutants used in the manufacturing of their training Bugatti Are Wi-Fi Rays Why Your Baby Can't Speak French? When our children fall behind their peers, it's easy to start immediately blaming ourselves. And when you realize that your one-year-old cannot speak French, while his peers seem to joyfully read original French editions of _Babar_ or effortlessly let loose a few verses of " _Non, Je Ne Regrette Rien_ "...it can be

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rough. Did we not read to them enough? Fail to get in enough prenatal yoga? Was it the commercially prepared bee pollen that I ingested while pregnant? Was it that one glass of wine I had when I was 8 months in? Well, I'm sure none of that helped (except for that glass of wine—that should have made your baby MORE French!). But there's a secret foe in your home, one that is frying your baby's brain: Wi-Fi rays. Though the government refuses to acknowledge this, I have personally overseen research on the issue (at great personal cost), and my researchers have found that babies exposed to Wi-Fi rays between birth and one year were at risk for failing Baby Babel language courses, being unable to play simple ragas in his Sitars 'N' Sitters class, and otherwise publicly humiliating you. Don't take unnecessary risks! Turn off all Wi-Fi and cellphones in your home _and_ at school until your child is at least 10, or has satisfactorily completed the French language SAT II, whichever happens first. Trending Baby Names ACCORDING TO A RECENT GLOP POLL OF MY DIARY, THESE ARE THE HOTTEST BABY NAMES FOR THE COMING YEAR! Fistula Vichyssoise Zenyatta Mondatta Zenith Quntuplence A-Rod Parenthetical Bonecrusher III Farm Caligulla Genesee Mungojerrie Beta Meticulous Hullabaloo Pere Ubu Kathan Kathaniel Mathryn Oneonta Pinkburry Suspiria Nordic-Trac Dolph (feminine: Dorf) Stilton Rum Tum Tugger Music Easel How to Tell Your Nanny How to Guide Your Kids Through the Ups and Downs of Adolescence ©Depositphotos Nothing means more to me than being there for the people whose job it is to be there for my kids. My schedule often takes me away for weeks at a time (which, it should be noted, simply for posterity's sake, is _way_ longer than a double shift at Dunkin' Donuts, but I digress). But I don't let that stop me from being fully involved in my kids' lives; I stay active by leaving _extremely_ detailed notes for my nannies about how to imbue my children with strong morals, help them develop resilient self-esteem, and make sure that they don't touch my stuff. My daughter, Phranklin Mint, has recently begun to bloom into the soft, delicate rose of womanhood, so she's needed different support from me than she's needed in the past—she now needs me to be hands-off and yet more present than ever. It's a tricky balancing act, and I often get it wrong, like any mother. But I've learned enough (and I know all mothers want all the help they can get) that I feel confident passing on some of my top tips to you: Make sure that your nanny talks to them about sex, especially teen pregnancy. Teen pregnancy is quite awful, isn't it? Be sure to have your nanny bring that up and present them with 5–10 ideas about how they can avoid it. Have your nanny have an honest, no-holds-barred conversation with them about bullying. This one's as awful as the pregnancy one, if not worse! Definitely be sure to have your nanny do something about this one and also present them with 5–10 ideas about how they can avoid it (important: _Make sure these ideas are different than the pregnancy ones_ ). Direct your nanny to talk to them about their inherent beauty, and how beauty standards aren't an actual measure of their worth. This would also be the perfect time to work in some extra material about not touching my stuff—I had some extremely expensive lipsticks go "missing" while I was away at Paris Fashion Week. Have your nanny teach them the value and dignity of hard work. Your nanny might not know too much about

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this, so make sure to leave her with a few great books on the topic (see Glop's exclusive list, "10 Books on the Value of Hard Work to Gift to Your Household Staff," on our website). Have your nanny promise them that they can always talk to her about anything that's troubling them and reassure them that even though she may get mad in the moment, it's just because she's disappointed about a choice they made, because she knows what wonderful kids they truly are. She always loves them, and they can always come to her with any problem, no matter how scary it is—and, if necessary, she can conference me in on Skype. This would also be an excellent time to just work in another bit about not touching my stuff. 3 Must-Have Apps to Help You Remember Which of Your Kids Is Into Ballet Now, or Dinosaurs, or Something ©Depositphotos Like any busy working mom, I need a little help from time to time—as much as I'd like to, I simply can't do it all on my own. My 7 nannies are a lifesaver, of course, as are my 8 assistant nannies and 12 assistants to the nannies, but when life gets especially hectic, I can barely focus on prepping my talking points for my daily 6 p.m. all-nanny staff call, and I can start to feel distant from my children and left out of their lives. Sometimes, I've gotten so frustrated with the way work takes me away from them, I've contemplated quitting and/or hiring more nannies, but we all know that this won't really solve any of our problems. Luckily, there's a new generation of ultrahip mom-trepreneurs who totally get both the joys and frustrations of trying to combine life as a career woman with life as a hands-on mother—and their apps have saved my behind on more than one occasion. I'm overjoyed to now share them with you. 1 Which One Is That? More than once, I've come home after weeks away on set, only to realize that I can't tell my kids apart anymore. Which one is the 5-year-old who's into youth soccer, and who is this one who is getting finger smudges all over my Celine overnight bag? Are they the same one? Different ones? Is there a third one that I forgot about while shooting B-roll in Estonia? This app makes this common family nightmare a thing of the past, with full files that include your child's face, name (with a pronunciation chart!), and interests, as well as quick facts like how many kids you have and how long you've had them, so you never need to have another awkward homecoming where you give a stuffed animal to one of your shorter valets by mistake. 2 So What's She Into Now? Is It Still Gymnastics? Kids get obsessed with new hobbies and interests at the same rate that adults use bottles of extra extra extra virgin olive oil—which is amazing and admirable, but can also be tough to keep up with. Yet despite this, most kids have no problem making you feel terrible when you mention a hobby that they're no longer interested in, often coldly informing you that they stopped being interested in that years ago, or, even worse, they were never interested in that to begin with, and you're actually misremembering a plot point from the film _Blank Check_. This great app uses a proprietary macro to skim your children's social media profiles, keeping you constantly up to date about their newest interests and hobbies. It even automatically buys them gifts online to coordinate with their new interests, to remind them that there's more to be gained in smiling beatifically at you as we go through another cookbook photo shoot than there is in whining about how "I'm 10, why would I want a DVD about learning how to use the potty?" 3 Actual Allergies This handy stealth app (slyly hidden with a faux banking icon on your smartphone's screen) helps you keep a confidential and unhackable list of your child's actual allergies, as opposed to the allergies you made up because you wanted them to eat celery instead of Butterfingers at

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the movies. Download this app, and never again worry that you're mixing up the allergies that actually require medical attention with the "allergies" that require a stern Facebook post about food coloring additives. How to Explain to Your Child's Teacher That He's Not Disruptive, He's the Reincarnation of a 12th-Century Tibetan Lama Beginning school can be a wonderfully enriching experience for a child—the chance to finally spread his wings, explore his interests, and make friends. Most of the time, teachers love being a part of this—they got into this business because they love to watch little people grow and develop. But eventually, you'll come across a teacher who is, for lack of a better word, sour. Maybe she's jealous of your child's natural blond hair and carefree lifestyle. Maybe she's jealous of your natural blonde hair and carefree lifestyle. Maybe you were both in callbacks for a role in a 1989 film, and you got it and she didn't because she mysteriously fell ill the day of the final audition after eating a cup of tainted soy yoghurt that _someone_ left out in the audition room. It's a given in any parent's life, so we all need to be prepared. I recently had such a run-in in my own life, in my son Comic-Sans's second (third?) grade classroom. During parent-teacher conferences, this teacher briefed me on what she felt was troubling behavior on the part of my son, and then presented me with a brochure on a set of behaviors called the "serial killer triad." I felt, as so many parents do, that this teacher was misunderstanding my family, and I was confused and helpless—particularly since a close friend/mindfulness teacher/reiki coach/yoga butler had recently emerged from a weekend-long meditation trance to tell me that my son was, in reality, the reincarnation of a 12th-century Tibetan lama, and that's why he kept belching in math class. I talked to Irene Jamiorquai-Sanders, president of TeachAware, a non-profit, nontoxic, and non-accredited organization that teaches parents how to explain to teachers that they're wrong. Below, I give the finer points of Irene's patented T.E.A.C.H. method of interacting with teachers. T TELL THEM YOUR TRUTH. Though we often believe that certain teachers "have it out" for our kids, in general we couldn't be more wrong. These teachers are simply only witnessing _their_ truth about our kids, which then blocks their view of _our_ truth about our kids. The only way to deal with this is to gently brush their truth away, so that they can more clearly see your actual accurate truth. This point was greatly clarifying for me: Comic-Sans's teacher was seeing _her_ truth when Comic-Sans told his classmates that we had a dead body in our house, while failing to see _my_ truth, which is that the dead body is simply part of a much larger custom art installation Damien Hirst did for us at our ski chalet. E EXPLAIN FACTS THAT THEY MAY HAVE MISSED. As I discussed in a previous Glop newsletter, the death of our beloved family dog, Pier Paolo Pasolini, was a complete accident, and was in no way my son's fault—there is simply no way he could have accessed that much cocoa butter on his own. I assumed that the teacher would know this from my newsletter, but you have to assume that human error is the only constant in this world. Perhaps that edition accidentally went into her junk mail inbox. There's no need to get worked up about it; simply explain the important facts that you laid out in that edition of your newsletter, which will probably shift the conversation and end your dispute. A ALWAYS MAKE YOUR POINT OF VIEW CLEAR. If the previous two steps haven't quite yielded the outcome that you had hoped for, it's now time to make sure that the teacher understands your entire point of view. For me, this entailed having our maid, Lana, run a PowerPoint presentation on all

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the info about why my son is the reincarnation of a 12th-century Tibetan lama (i.e., similar hairlines, both have names starting with a "C," both came to me in a dream to confirm the importance of this information to me) while I made a quick phone call. C CHECKLIST If you're really having trouble getting through, bring a paper checklist that lays out all the changes your child requires. When I came back from my phone call, I took out my checklist, which laid out all the various homework duties that my son would need reduced or eliminated so that he could have room in his schedule for some past-life regression sessions. H HATHA YOGA Self-care is the most important part of any endeavor, yet it's also the easiest to forget about. Make sure to get in 45 to 85 minutes of freeing, energizing hatha yoga after a draining parent-teacher meeting. And what should you do if you go through the entire T.E.A.C.H. method, to no avail? We ended up pulling Comic-Sans out of school in order to be privately tutored by Sir Patrick Stewart, though we also heard soon after that the teacher with whom I had butted heads went on medical leave after consuming a plate of tainted chickpea "meatballs" that someone happened to leave out in the faculty lounge. * * * RELATIONSHIPS * * * ©Depositphotos Long-lasting, mutually respectful romantic love is a lot like the moon—we're all raised to believe that it's real and that we can see it every day. But as life goes on, we start to wonder more and more if it perhaps doesn't exist at all, and is actually a vast government conspiracy conducted with a series of high-powered holographic mirrors. I, like the rest of you, am still looking for answers on this front—though I've come under fire through the years for supposedly encouraging women to aspire to impossible standards regarding their bodies, hair, families, careers, financial situations, flexibility, and number of healthy daily bowel movements, when it comes to romance I'm as puzzled as any schoolgirl. But I'm also a seeker—and in this chapter, I'll share some of the most compelling information I've come across in my own quest to understand the hows, whys, whoms, whiches, ifs, thens, yups, fleeps, and blubbles of love. Finding a Couples Therapist Who Will Always Take Your Side ©Depositphotos I consider couple's counseling a "last resort," something to be contemplated only after couples art therapy, couples massage therapy, couples laser facials, and an erotically charged "murder mystery party" weekend at Lenny Kravitz's château have all been exhausted. There's a reason so many of us are resistant to couples counseling: it's tough to be so vulnerable around a person you barely know—especially with your counselor in the room, too. When we visit a couples therapist but find that we can't spit out the words we came there to speak, that's our inner child telling us that it feels unsafe there—and your inner child must feel safe if you're to be honest and make any progress in a therapeutic environment. Safe from violence, safe from ridicule, and, most importantly, safe from being disagreed with (if you have any real children, you know that they absolutely hate that last one). How do you ensure that your inner child feels protected and sheltered in your couples therapy office? With the help of a few of our most trusted couples, couples therapists, and personal trainers, we've pulled together a list of essential questions to ask, to make sure that your time in your couples therapist's hands will be a healing experience: "I find that one of the central, ongoing issues in our relationship is that my partner is often wrong. What do you think?" "On our way in, I was telling my partner how excited I was to get clarity from a therapist, and he told me that he believes most therapists are chronic paint huffers who kill simply to feel

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the god-like power of watching the lights extinguish behind another person's eyes. What do you think?" "If a train leaves Cleveland going 85 miles per hour, headed for Tulsa, yet my partner insists that the train is traveling 92 miles per hour, because he read it on his stupid iPad that he plays with for hours after I fall asleep, when will it reach Tulsa and also what specifically is wrong with my partner?" "I know one couple, the Benjamins, who seem sooooo happy" (placing two hundred-dollar bills on the table). Can you show my partner how to be happy like them? I heard they keep things spicy by inviting in some friends on occasion." (Place two more hundred-dollar bills on table.) The Best Organic Fiber Couches to Make Him Sleep on Tonight ©Depositphotos Real, honest romantic love is a lot like an organic fiber couch—it is made sturdy by its inherent realness; it is proof that our nature is to be true; and it is a vibrant, wonderful way to quietly telegraph your superiority to your friends who have synthetic fiber couches or use Tinder (the synthetic fiber couch of real, honest romantic love). But perhaps the quality that makes love and organic couches the most similar is that their beauty and value lies in their flaws—a faint natural discoloration here, a suspiciously unreturned text there; an unexpected variation in texture, a text sent seven hours after a promise to "explain it all when I get home." These natural flaws provide a great way for romantic love and organic fiber couches to truly intersect—you can use your organic fiber couch as a sacred space to give your partner room to reflect on change. Each of these organic fiber couch materials provides a different way to tell your partner, "The nature of commitment is always changing. Also: this is really how you're going to spend your 40s, acting like a goddamned overgrown child? _I almost married Brad Pitt_ and now I'm dealing with this bullshit??" Wool Great for: when his protestations about how that ski instructor was "just adjusting my posture" ring hollow. Bamboo Great for: when he "accidentally" left his wedding ring in the bathroom of Café Gratitude for the fifth time. Jute Great for: when you realize he deleted all your wedding photos from his laptop so that he could install Tidal. Hemp Great for: when you find out about his flirtations with other women from a two-star review of his headliner performance at Bonnaroo. New Wood Great for: "Oh, you were hiding that bracelet because you were going to give it to me 'as a surprise'? Then why does it have amethyst on it?? MY JEWELOLOGIST SPECIFICALLY TOLD YOU THAT I'M ALLERGIC TO AMETHYST'S VIBRATIONS!!" How to Do "Sex" ©Depositphotos In the hustle and bustle of a two-career family, it's easy to let intimacy fall by the wayside. Who among us hasn't had a moment where you suddenly realized, with shock, that it's been months since you told your partner, "Hurry up and finish, I have to attend the opening of a new rolfing gym in Silverlake at 8!"? Many of us assume that this tapering-off of desire is the "natural" course of events in any romantic relationship. But it doesn't have to be. In fact, experts agree that doing sex with our partners can be up to 1/50th as satisfying as going to back-to-back barre classes, if we simply approach it with the right mindset. Surprised? So was I. But through the years, I've collected the tips below, which always help me get in the mood to become intimate with a partner at any time—even when sex is an imposition on a day you had already planned on devoting to getting mani-pedis with your agent, Frigg the Old Norse goddess of wisdom, and Gwen Stefani. Yup, they're _that_ good! Drink

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a cup of F*ck Dirt. Claith Dirndl is more than just a longtime spiritual mentor of mine and badass working mom to a beautiful family of spiritually evolved sea monkeys; she's also the brains behind L.A.'s Cup of Dirt, an amazing natural apothecary-cum-smoothie spot that sells drinks packed full of Claith's amazing line of healing dirts, each loaded with essential (yet often overlooked) restorative herbs like widow's speculum, grundel bark, and chipped hair. Claith has finally made her dirts available online, so that everyone around the world can enjoy a nice, warm glass of her vital loams at the end of a long day. Each of her supplements aims to help with a different area of life—like spirituality or rest—and I simply cannot get enough of her intimacy supplement, F*ck Dirt. In fact, I always make drinking it the first step in my intimacy ritual. Mix one teaspoon of F*ck Dirt into an 8-ounce glass of water, stir thoroughly, and sip with intention. The ingredients go to work immediately: the apple-hat extract ignites the libido, while the ground essence of wig-dumpling really scrubs at the colon, which gives you a fun thing to look forward to afterwards—it will motivate you to make it through. Claith also sells a fabulous line of condoms spun from polenta proteins, which really make cleanup a breeze. Assemble your tools. Ninety-five percent of a good roll in the hay is about getting the right supplies, so make sure you pick them up well in advance of your date night. I like to grab some new water-repellent lingerie from Particular Larvae the day of the big event to "get in the mood"; their cheeky designs are stimulating to the eye, and keep you totally insulated from any sweat that may happen to get dripped on you. Those naughty Germans at Falco Workshop make a great line of solid gold diamond-studded dildos that cost $10,000 and really make it look like you're trying. And don't forget to tip your blindfolded cellists in advance of the big event! It's very easy to forget about it after the fact, and word gets around in the blindfolded cellist community _very_ quickly. Get your new sheets on. Silk sheets get a bad rap as cheesy and dated; but Mme W's specially crafted silk bedware will perfectly preserve your blowout's integrity throughout the sex, whether you're lying perfectly still _or_ moving around slightly. Rrrow! Bang your sex gong. Many of us have been using the same exact sex gong to inform our lovers that it is time to make sex love for years—one of my girlfriends has had the same one since college! Picking up a brand-new sophisticated sex gong might be just what you need to put a little more maca extract into your breakfast smoothie, _if you get my meaning_. Don Juan de Sex Gong makes some petite yet full-bodied ones that we absolutely love. It's over! After about 15 minutes (25 if it's the weekend!), I assume that it's over and get up to do some gentle stretches. Sometimes sex can lead to pattern dryness in combination skin, so I always try to get a jump on this by immediately applying a mixed set of restorative facial masks, each one on a different problem area of my skin. I also have one of my assistants send my partner a congratulatory text on their performance in the bedroom—Ciara Vognes makes a set of artisanal eggplant emoji ($35) that truly convey a job well done. Sitting Very Still & Staring Ahead Blankly: For Him _and_ Her As we covered in a previous section, Sitting Very Still & Staring Ahead Blankly is the path to personal enlightenment, contentment, an increased sense of peace, and the ability to breathe underwater for up to 300 seconds. But did you know that the tenets of Sitting Very Still & Staring Ahead Blankly don't have to only be practiced alone—that you can also

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bring them to your romantic relationship, to ensure that you two feel connected, experience greater unity, and are both able to breathe underwater for up to 300 seconds? It's true! With the help of Maira Gargelle, author of _The Spiritual Seeker's Guide to Deep Dicking_ , I crafted this plan that can help any couple feel that soul-deep connection yet again. And the best part? You don't even have to be in the same room, or even in the same relationship, to make it work! Empty your mind of all conscious thought (this should take 5 to 10 seconds, tops). Focus on your breathing. Imagine if it were your partner's breathing. Slowly engage in a rhythmic massage of your genitals that is DEFINITELY NOT MASTURBATION. Continue not-masturbating long enough to have a spiritual epiphany that feels extremely similar to an orgasm, and yet unquestionably is not. Repeat after refractory period if the spirit still demands it. * * * SPIRITUALITY * * * ©Depositphotos Spirituality has interested me ever since I moved to Los Angeles in the '90s and met my first spiritual teacher, some old guy who used to hang around George Harrison. That experience set me on a spiritual journey that continues to this day—a journey that I am so excited to now share with you. In the chapter below, we truly dig into the heart of the Glop lifestyle, which I think of as a spiritual practice as much as it is a place to sell my signature bergamot-rosemary shoe perfume. In the sections below, you'll discover the treasured spiritual wisdom that guides my life, my family, and even my skincare regimen. You may not be able to look like me, but thanks to Glop, at least you can _believe_ like me. How Quantum Physics Discovered That Nothing Actually Exists & What This Means for Your Cleanse If your dinner parties are anything like mine, you've probably been hearing a lot about quantum physics lately. In fact, recently it feels like after everyone makes the cursory five minutes of chitchat about a new charity that provides "forever" homes to abandoned endives, suddenly no one can speak of anything but the infinitely malleable nature of reality, where both everything and nothing are happening at any single moment. It's like Victoria Beckham's non-denominational adult bat mitzvah didn't even happen last week! But people are talking about quantum physics for a good reason—while it sounds like an abstract concept that should be left to scientists in labs, in reality quantum physics affects us every single second of our lives. Yes, even when we're at hot yoga! In fact, that was the first question I had for Guelph, Glop's resident aura reader/spiritual thought leader/intuitive gynecologist. When I met with Guelph inside her home—which is actually my 6,000-square-foot guest yurt, a lovely space furnished with bowls of luscious root vegetables, gorgeously hand-dyed floor pillows, and a TV I was considering throwing out—I was more nervous than excited about my new wisdom regarding the false facade of existence. I worried: If nothing actually exists and everything is just a projection of our minds, what does it mean for our families? Or our extremely legitimate acting awards? Will it impact our souls? Or more mundane things, like, just as a random example here, the amount of money we're able to charge companies to run ads on our blogs? Guelph walked me through all of it, using an ancient, wordless teaching method that involves aura massages, extended eye-gazing, and the TV I was considering throwing out. By the time we finished with our spiritual voyage, I was no longer afraid, but in fact incredibly excited to exist in a realm where reality is simply a projection (it certainly explained some of the meaner emails we've received at Glop through the years). I wish you could all feel the majesty and wonder as Guelph summons a learning circle and then performs a fable for us using shadow puppets carved from luscious root vegetables. But I'd like to give you the next best thing: Guelph's lesson on quantum

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physics and juice cleanses. When I went to visit Guelph, this was what I was most worried about—sure, in this reality, I was strictly following a doctor-recommended diet of juiced kidney beans, artichoke leaves, warm water, and upbeat thoughts—but what if, in another reality, there is another version of me who is eating _beef she bought at a supermarket_ right this very second? Guelph could see how shaken I was when I arrived at the yurt. Would the actions of another me in another reality undo all the hard work I had done on my cleanse in this reality? But during hour 8 of our eye-gazing ceremony, she intuited to me a powerful lesson: it doesn't matter if another version of me in another reality is eating beef with hormones in it, or even considers going to Curves for 45 minutes once a week "enough exercise." It's not why I sometimes gain up to 17 ounces of water weight in the middle of the month. Rather, I should let the knowledge that another me in another reality is not taking care of herself properly _free me_ —because even though she is me, I never have to meet her. You can't put a price on the relief I felt when Guelph intuited that to me. Your final question, I'm sure, is "What if the quantum physical structure that holds each reality separate collapsed, and then you _did_ have to meet her?" Fortunately, Guelph walked me through some basic ancient philosophy on the issue that outlined the fact that, if that happens, not only do I not have to be nice to her; I don't even have to let her park in front of my house. And the same goes for each of you reading this! Our right and our bounty, as children of the universe, is to never let anyone park in front of our house. Are You Doing Yoga Wrong or Just Mostly Wrong? ©Depositphotos Yoga has experienced a surge in popularity in the U.S. over the past decade. Its myriad health and psychological benefits are great news for the 21 million U.S. adults who practice yoga, as well as the 42 million U.S. adults who own high-end yoga pants. There is, however, a bit of bad news to go with all this good news: doing yoga incorrectly can not only rob practitioners of its many benefits, but also create new problems, like back and neck pain, tendon strain, and "quaky bowels," and even make you vulnerable to health problems once considered eradicated by modern medical science, such as Fonzie's Disease. Pretty scary, right? So how can you tell if you're doing yoga right or oh-so-wrong? Take our quick quiz below! ANSWER EACH QUESTION WITH A YES OR NO. 1 _Do you ever sweat while doing yoga?_ 2 _Have you ever been confused while attempting a sequence in yoga class?_ 3 _Has your yoga teacher ever had to do a posture correction on you during class?_ 4 _Have you ever put your mat in a position that could be described as "too close" to someone else's mat?_ 5 _Do you ever need to pause for a moment within a particularly challenging sequence, and engage in gentle stretching or Child's Pose?_ 6 _Have you ever used blocks, bands, or other tools to help you achieve a pose?_ 7 _Have you gotten compliments on your shoulder stand?_ 8 _Would you describe the amount of compliments you receive on your shoulder stand as "a lot"?_ 9 _Have you ever attended a special, elite yoga class where they teach you all the yoga poses that actually work, instead of all the fake ones that they teach the plebes?_ 10 _Were you asked back for the weekend invitation-only retreat?_ 11 _Do you know Kai?_ 12 _Is he gonna make it to Kripalu this summer, you think?_ QUESTIONS 1–6: GIVE YOURSELF ONE POINT FOR EVERY YES ANSWER. QUESTIONS 7–12: GIVE YOURSELF ONE POINT

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FOR EVERY NO ANSWER. 9–12 POINTS: YOU ARE DOING YOGA WRONG. You are practicing wildly incorrect yoga that could be a physical and spiritual danger to you and your loved ones. Immediately purchase _The Glop Guide to Doing Yoga Not Wrong_. 6–8 POINTS: YOU ARE DOING YOGA WRONG. You are practicing wildly incorrect yoga that could be a physical and spiritual danger to you and your loved ones. Immediately purchase _The Glop Guide to Doing Yoga Not Wrong_. 2–5 POINTS: YOU ARE DOING YOGA WRONG. You are practicing wildly incorrect yoga that could be a physical and spiritual danger to you and your loved ones. Immediately purchase _The Glop Guide to Doing Yoga Not Wrong_. 1 POINT: YOU ARE DOING YOGA MOSTLY WRONG. You are practicing mostly incorrect yoga that could probably be a physical and spiritual danger to you and your loved ones. Immediately purchase _The Glop Guide to Doing Yoga Not Wrong_. Glop's Resident Spiritual Advisor, Guelph, on How Suffering Is Inevitable in This Life _We first met Guelph five years ago at a farmer's market, where she was selling slightly irregular vegetable spiralizers in order to raise funds to go to Esalen. Taken in by her silent wisdom, earthy knowingness, and naturally blonde dreadlocks, we demanded that she come with us instead, and she's been our trusted spiritual advisor ever since. One of these days, Guelph, we'll finally give you that money for Esalen like we promised! We'll even let you go back for that weird-smelling dog you had that we told you to leave in the farmer's market parking lot. But until then, we're content to bask in your wisdom!_ There is one thread that flows through all world religions, and it is this: suffering is inevitable. What that spiritual culture chooses to do with that knowledge varies—some run from it, some embrace it as a source of enlightenment, some use it as a premise to get you to sign up for a weekend-long retreat at some lady's house in Ojai. But all agree that no matter what prayers we offer to what gods, there is no way to not feel pain in this life. Glop is the most spiritually evolved place I have ever labored in my life. But even here, there is some confusion about what I mean when I say that suffering is unavoidable. No matter who you are or what worldly goods you have accumulated, you will hurt, in this and every life you live. But Is Suffering Really Inevitable in _My_ Life? I live my life by Guelph's wisdom. I run every single decision in my day by her, from what exfoliating masque to apply in the morning to what hydrating masque to apply at night, so I take her opinions and thoughts very seriously. So when Guelph said that acknowledgement of suffering was the cornerstone of every spiritual faith in all of history, I was totally game to give it a shot. But after two weeks, I had to admit: it just wasn't working! I tried and tried to suffer, to no avail. I even asked Guelph's advice on which hydrating face masque to use, and then used a completely different one, just to try to bring a little suffering into my life, but my skin _still_ looked totally amazing. So this time around, Guelph's lesson had a second lesson attached: suffering is inevitable...but also, if you try and find that you just can't suffer, don't beat yourself up over it! Today's social media culture can really make you feel suffer-shamed for your choice to have a wonderful, fulfilling, excruciatingly satisfying life—but we don't have to take it! We can stand up and proudly declare: "I feel amazing all the time! And I won't be quiet about it any longer!" ©iStock.com/Neustockimages * * * RECIPES * * * ©iStock.com/letterberry Cooking a clean

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1,332,121

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-1

, delicious, nourishing meal for my family is always the 43rd best part of my day (47th if you catch me during truffle season or the World Economic Forum meeting in Davos). It helps me remember what truly matters in life—not the movies, or the TV shows, or the perfume ads, or the jewelry ads, or the purse ads, or the house in L.A., or the house in New York, or the house in London, or the other house in London, or the _other_ house in London, or the secret pied à terre in Majorca, or the secret bank account in Kiev, or the awards, or the critical acclaim, or my still-new but extremely promising DJ career, or that time in 1999 when then-president Bill Clinton declared that all of that year's Oscar winners could spend 10 unsupervised minutes inside Area 51. No, what truly matters is family. And the best way to honor that is to gather everyone around the table at dinnertime for an old-fashioned family meal. No matter what's going on with my schedule, if I'm in the same city, I make sure to make it home for dinner. Food creates feelings of connection, love, passion, and comfort. It also keeps you from passing out sometimes. It's a multi-faceted wonder product, and I am so proud to finally be able to share it with you. **_Appetizer:_ "Fish" "Tacos"** ©iStock.com/myibean Fish tacos are a favorite summer treat. But it's hard to feel good about eating them when you know not only how polluted our oceans and waterways are, but how many of our fish turn to hard drug use to cope. Experts who are me estimate that up to 80 percent of wild-caught salmon are tweaked out of their minds on crystal meth when caught. It's more than sad—it can impact your family's health. That's why I developed this fresh, healthy update that utilizes plankton, Nature's oft-forgotten food group. Studies that I conducted in my pool house have shown that since plankton are generally microscopic, their hands are too small to hold drugs, let alone ingest them, making them that rare thing: sober creatures of the sea. And the fact that they're low in fat and high in protein doesn't hurt! YOU'LL NEED: ½ pound plankton 1 cup kale leaves, de-ribbed lemon zest DIRECTIONS: Arrange kale in loose "cup" formation. Add 1 tablespoon of plankton to center of kale "cup." Garnish with lemon zest. Tell your children that the only way they're ever going to see their pet bunny again is if they eat every last one of these "tacos." Olé! * * * **BONUS: How to Boil Water** As I'm sure you've noticed, many recipes these days call for boiled water. But imagine my surprise when an assistant recently explained to me, as I prepped her for her thrice-daily farmer's market run, that boiled water is not a specific product, but rather a state of matter! Of course, there's no reason it can't be both—my first pop-up boiled water boutique will open on the Santa Monica Promenade in May, and we'll be offering mail order, as well! But if you just can't wait until then to give boiled water a try, here's my favorite recipe. YOU'LL NEED: 2 cups water, bottler of your choice 1 Le Creuset Signature cast-iron dutch oven in Coral, Flame, or Anchor Grey 1 Viking Professional 48-inch pro-style gas range with dual ovens DIRECTIONS: Place water in dutch oven. Place dutch oven on a burner on the range. Press the button that ignites the burner you have placed the dutch oven upon. Wait until water appears sufficiently bubbly. Salt to taste Serves 3–4 * * * **_Meat:_ Roasted Chicken with Thrushed Nerfh

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erders, Two Ways** ©iStock.com/Liv Friis-Larsen I was on a press tour stop in Tokyo when I got back to my hotel at midnight and realized that I had forgotten to eat dinner. Where was I going to find something good to snack on? After a long day of walking the red carpet and chatting with journalists about my career as a triple threat (actress/singer/gourd whisperer), I was so exhausted, I was pretty ready to resign myself to finding something to eat in the hotel bar's carpeting and call it a night. But I forced myself to get up and walk around until I found something nutritious that I wouldn't regret in the morning. Luckily, after a little bit of wandering, I stumbled upon a tiny, out of the way Michelin-starred restaurant. They were about to close up, but took pity on me (I must have looked quite a sight!) and roasted up a chicken more delicious than any I have ever tasted. But when I asked if they had thrushed nerfherders as a side dish, they looked at me like I was crazy—one of the small differences that separate two cultures that are actually quite similar. But I soon discovered that my luck had not yet run out—I had a baggie of thrushed nerfherders that I had completely forgotten about in my purse the whole time. I was alone in the middle of country I didn't know, but as I sank my fork into that meal, I felt like I was almost home. This recipe was created in tribute to that magical night. It can be served solo, or on a gluten-free bun (if you serve it on a bun containing gluten, the entire meal will explode within seconds like a dirty bomb). YOU'LL NEED: 1 roasting chicken 1 lemon, halved 3 cloves garlic, peeled and chopped 2 tablespoons extra virgin olive oil 1 teaspoon kosher salt 1 teaspoon ground pepper 1 bunch of nerfherders, freshly thrushed 1 sprig parsley DIRECTIONS: Preheat oven to 450 degrees. Call in your maid, Lana, and tell her, "I've got someplace to be, can you take care of this?" Then tell her, "Oh, and could you remember to make it two ways?" Do something for 80 minutes. Be served to with sprig of parsley for garnish. Enjoy! **_Vegetable:_ Easy, Filling Asparagus-Quinoa-Sriracha-Vellum-Bee Clavicle-Bone Fragments from the Reliquary of Saint Abban of Magheranoidhe Smoothie** ©iStock.com/Metkalova A while back, after months of intense overwork, I entered a period in which I felt so exhausted that I completely neglected myself—I ignored my diet, fell behind on my fitness goals, and accidentally stepped in a pile of pasta that someone had dumped on the sidewalk. I knew that I was on the road to health ruin, and that there would be big consequences for my misbehavior—so I was terrified, but not all that shocked, when I awoke one morning believing I had gone blind. After bringing in my nutritionist, my acupuncturist, my homeopathologist, my forensic pathologist, my yard guy, and my dog's homeopathologist (he was already over for brunch) in for a long and grueling consultation, we came to the conclusion that I had not gone blind, but simply had forgotten to take off my sleep mask (House of Thibedeau, price available upon request). But still, it was just the wake-up call about looking after my health that I needed. Now, I make sure to always take time for myself and my health—and whenever I feel things getting too out of whack, I make sure to start blending up these smoothies, which combine the rich flavor of asparagus, the filling bulk of vellum, the protein-filled one-two power-punch of quinoa and bee chest bones, and the vitamin-dense (and delish!)

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1,332,121

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bone fragments from the reliquary of Saint Abban of Magheranoidhe, the high-fiber apostle of Wexford. I add or hold off on the sriracha, depending on my mood (and how spicy I'm feeling that day!). YOU'LL NEED: ¼ cup quinoa 1 cup asparagus, chopped 2 cups water 1 cup vellum 1 tablespoon bee clavicle 1 teaspoon bone fragments from the reliquary of Saint Abban of Magheranoidhe 1 teaspoon sriracha DIRECTIONS: Combine ingredients in blender. Blend on high. Serve immediately. **_Dessert:_ "Vanilla" "Ice Cream" made with Rock Milk and Nut Gel** ©Depositphotos Several years ago, my spiritual advisor and holistic bikini waxer Catalina von Trout diagnosed my children, Palladium Hardware and Corthelia, with severe allergic sensitivities to everything except turmeric, free-range chicken, raw organic vegetables, and private school. I was distraught—I wanted my children to not feel different, to enjoy all the classic pleasures of childhood that their friends got to experience—without endangering their health _or_ my extremely profitable lifestyle brand. Luckily, Catalina told me about this amazing recipe. The rock milk really brings out the vanilla undertones in the nut gel, making this treat one of my kids' absolute favorites. If you'd never had the real thing, you'd never know it wasn't the real thing! YOU'LL NEED: 1 cup shelled pistachios 1 cup unsalted almonds 1 cup de-salted cashews 10–12 really solid, good-looking rocks 1½ cups chia seeds 1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract 1 teaspoon manuka honey (if you don't care about your children, feel free to use regular honey) DIRECTIONS: In a large bowl, add your rocks and 3½ cups water. Cover and let sit for 5 days. In separate containers, soak each set of nuts in 2 cups of water for up to 2 days. At the end of 2 days, drain each nut group. Soak your chia seeds in 3 cups of water for a half hour, then add ½ cup of chia to each of your nut batches (chia is a thickening agent). Blend each nut-and-chia batch in your food processor to a fine, frothy consistency, then place in the fridge to "set" for 3 to 4 hours. Drain and blend your rocks—I've done them in both a conventional blender and food processor, and I find that a blender gives them a richer, more decadent texture. Combine your nut gels with your rock milk in an extremely large bowl and whisk insouciantly. Add vanilla extract and honey, whisk again, then cover and place in fridge for 5 to 6 hours. Then let the kiddos come & get it! * * * ENTERTAINING * * * ©Depositphotos What's more enriching, more enchanting, more soul-enlivening and spirit-connecting than the act of entertaining friends and family? Fucked if I know. **How to Find Locally Sourced, Sustainable Karaoke** ©Depositphotos Karaoke is such fun for everyone! I don't know a single person who doesn't enjoy having the opportunity to cue up their favorite song and show how much better it could have been if they had been the one to sing it. But going to a soulless, commercial karaoke club replete with pre-recorded music, tacky furniture, a cramped shared stage, and staff who have been destroyed spiritually by years of watching people sing "Semi-Charmed Life" in the wrong key can really dampen the party spirit. That's why I like to forage for my karaoke—it's more sustainable

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than corporate karaoke, and doesn't make such a deep mark on our ecosphere (traditional karaoke wastes fossil fuels burned for energy, packaging thrown away in the preparation of drinks and snacks, and carbon dioxide exhaled while trying to explain to a stranger that Third Eye Blind's Stephan Jenkins "works in the ancient warrior-poet tradition"). But sourcing more socially and environmentally responsible karaoke can be tricky if you don't know exactly what you're looking for. Here's how I find the freshest karaoke available. Head to a heavy foot traffic area of your city where "busking" street musicians gather (in some cities, public transit centers also work brilliantly for this purpose). Select the freshest busker available. (To see if your busker is near their sell-by date, examine the stickers on their guitar case. A busker with an Ed Sheeran sticker is probably ripe or just about there, while a busker with a Blues Traveler sticker is best left on the shelf for eventual composting.) Once you have selected your busker, approach and begin singing along with them. If they're playing the wrong song, simply begin singing your song over them, loudly, until their system reboots and they catch up. Make sure all your party guests get a turn—no one likes a karaoke hog. When you're done, thank your busker for a job well done and be on your way, awash in the good feeling that comes from making the conscious choice. (Don't worry about tipping—this wasn't business, this was about the muse bringing two would-be strangers together through the universal language of song! It's exactly what makes sustainable karaoke so satisfying.) **Tips for Throwing a Party That Screams, " _I Have Two Black Friends!_ "** ©iStock.com/monkeybusinessimages From time to time, we all want to host a gathering that highlights the diversity of our friend group. Maybe it's because you want your two black friends to finally meet, because you really think they'd hit it off. Maybe it's because a reporter who is writing a profile about you asked some weird questions earlier in the day about "privilege" and "white privilege" and "it's a set of social privileges that exclusively benefit and protect white people," and you're just trying to get them to focus on your new line of children's cellulite cream. Maybe you had an accidentally racist Halloween costume you need to apologize for, and you just want to invite some paparazzi to stand around in your bushes for the night so that you can get ahead of the story. Or maybe you don't have a reason at all; you just really, really want everyone to know your two black friends. It doesn't matter why you're partying—the party tips below will easily remind all your guests that you _don't see color_ , and that is why at least two black people consider you a bosom chum (if you need to convey that you have more than two black friends, see chapter 4 in our exclusive ebook, "The Glop Guide to Telling Someone How Much You Love Their Rich, Joyful Culture"). Make sure to frequently say, "My friend Shawn—oh, sorry, you probably know him as 'Jay Z.' But he's just good ol' Shawn around here!" It's OK if Shawn Carter is not actually your friend; as of this printing, there's no reliable way for your guests to check. Prominently place any photos you have of yourself with your black friends around the party area, even if you haven't really hung out with them since filming for _Se7en_ wrapped. Talk about your intense love of hip-hop, and how this is one of the many ways that you bond with your black friends. When it seems like you've talked about it for too long, talk about it for three more minutes, then quote a lyric to a rap song. Make sure that it involves one or more of the following words and phrases, to show how serious you are about your appreciation: "fuck," "shit," "bitch," or "face fucked you in your kitchenette." Make sure your two black friends are at the party and enjoying themselves, of course! You guys don't have to be all that

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close—feel free to tell them "everyone from work will be there" or "I was wondering if you could come by my house tonight to discuss our business deal, a bunch of people will be there but you can ignore them, my spouse is just having some dumb work party" if you think that will help them feel more relaxed. If you are only casual friends with one or zero black people, feel free to put out feelers within your local theatrical community for people who are willing to make non-SAG-scale pay in exchange for access to unlimited appetizers and a gift bag with bowel-detoxing tea samples in it. It's a win-win situation for everyone involved! **How to Let Leonardo DiCaprio Know That Your Carbon Footprint Is Smaller Than His** ©iStock.com/outcast85 Parties are a response to one of our most basic human needs—the need to gather together and feel the kinship of our fellow humans. But sometimes, parties also serve additional human needs—like our human need to combine food resources, our need to find new mates, or our need to prove to another human that you don't get to be the best at acting _and_ the best at the environment, because that would be really unfair. In fact, paleo-therapists believe that up to 20 percent of early man's social interactions were centered around explaining how another, different early man that everyone thought was so great was, in fact, not that great (and actually wasted an unconscionable amount of musk ox meat while village elders were not looking). So, our urges to engage in this kind of activity are more than healthy—they're natural. With that in mind, here are some tips for engaging this extremely natural urge the next time that you're, I don't know, seated at a Golden Globes table where everyone won't shut up about how Leo rescued that bear from _The Revenant_ and paid for its kids to go to college or whatever. Note that while Leo has received much acclaim for his environmental activism, his frequent international travel, by boat and plane, releases an alarming amount of CO2 into the atmosphere—an amount of CO2 that those of us who are not honored for our environmental activism never have to emit! Talk about the hidden factors that influence our carbon footprint. Like the materials used to make, say, a fancy bike that someone uses to get around in an environmentally sound way. Do you think tree-elves made that titanium? Nope, it came from an earth-ruining factory! Fun fact: Saying this in front of more than two members of the press officially makes you a whistleblower. Bring up some talking points you've prepared about carbon credits—how much do they really offset? And when someone brings 30 models onto their yacht, do we feel like they're actually buying adequate carbon credits for all of them? Is anyone looking into this? Because the lazy man who answered the phone at TMZ did not seem to understand what a great story this was! Assemble a note written with letters cut out from a magazine that says, "I know how much water you use in your landscaping system." Very casually drop it behind Leo at a party, then loudly say, "Oh, did you drop this?" and, after inhaling through the nose and exhaling through the mouth, read it aloud in a strong, clear voice. Call him every night at 3 a.m. and hang up. He'll claim to not know what it was about, but trust me, he gets the message. **G's Favorite Party Games** ©Depositphotos Every gathering eventually hits the dreaded mid-party lull: everyone has introduced themselves to each other already, the canapés have all been passed out, the Balinese erotic shadow puppeteers have gone home, and everyone is at a bit of a loss about what to do with themselves. That's why I always like to have some pre-planned party games handy! The 3 below are my absolute go-tos—they've rescued more parties than I can count (and once seriously saved my behind after Harvey Weinstein had an allergic reaction to my ceviche). **1** **Smooth-lebrity** In the traditional party favorite "Celebrity," players write down the names of celebrities, drop them in a hat, pick one out

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at random, and then try to have other players guess which name they have picked—without using the actual name of the celebrity in question. I tried this at a few of my early parties, only to realize, to my total embarrassment, that many of the celebs named in the game were actually attendees. This made game play fairly unengaging. So, as a funky update, I now have all of my guests write down the name of a favorite healing smoothie on a slip of paper, and place them all in a hat. Players then have to select a slip at random, and have other guests name the smoothie _without_ mentioning any ingredients; only by dramatizing its various restorative properties. It's great fun, especially around the holidays! **2** **Never Have I Ever Milked** We all played this one during college/the wrap party for _Hook_ , right? You list an act you've never engaged in, and everyone who has engaged in said activity takes a sip from their drink, and giggling ensues. I helped this ultimate girls' night game grow up a little by adding a new wrinkle—now we don't list things we've never done, but only things we have never milked. While this may sound limiting, it is actually shockingly flexible; we've gotten everything from "hemp seeds" to "the public's goodwill in the wake of a national tragedy that I was marginally connected to." **3** **Scattergories** Remember this old favorite? In the fresh new twist I've cooked up, it's no longer about competing to think up new names for objects; it's about competing to see who can drive a Tesla into the ocean the fastest. This one never gets old! ©Depositphotos * * * BEAUTY * * * ©Depositphotos Can beauty be bought? Or is the true nature of beauty that it is part of the essence of human existence, and can only come into existence as part of a life well lived? Is beauty a quality that cannot be captured in a jar, distilled by French people in lab coats, or injected into your naso-labial folds in what you were told would be a 5-minute outpatient procedure but it turns out that the swelling is not going to go down for quite a while? We all need to make our own decision about what beauty truly means to us, so it's not my place to tell you. It's simply my place to present you with an array of products that, if beauty does turn out to be something that can be bought, might be useful to you. **_The Biggest Beauty Secret of All:_ Confidence (Also, Lasers)** When I was 22 and the third-billed star in several extremely successful action-dramedies, I was convinced that while my career was only going uphill, it was all downhill from there when it came to beauty. But as I got older, I realized that I could not have been more wrong. I mean, sure, OK, back then, my skin was always soft, even though I never remembered to use moisturizer; my hair was naturally thick and shiny; and I always woke up looking like I was ready to attend a cocktail reception for the Hollywood Foreign Press Association, even if I had stayed up until 5 a.m. the night before hanging around an off-track betting parlor with the touring percussion section from No Doubt. But despite my soft skin and pillowy lips, I felt insecure, fearful of the world around me, and anxious about losing the attention of Shane the vibraphone player—in short, my life was the very antithesis of real beauty, which stems from confidence and a sense of purpose. For most of us, those qualities only come with age, making time the ultimate beauty product. Ever since I gave birth to my children, Pizza Margherita and Chabad, I have felt like a different human being from that silly, meek little girl—I am truly confident now, for the first time. It's confidence that shines out of every pore—the secret inner source of my outer beauty. When you see me model for a perfume ad or pose for candid shots at a party celebrating the launch of a new organic airline, what you're really seeing is my confidence. And it's that

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very confidence that allowed me to pay my bimonthly visit to a beloved mentor of mine—Dr. Marcus "Bugsy" Helms, a truly evolved and spiritually attuned Beverly Hills dermatologist. In the years since we first met at the _Vanity Fair_ Oscar party, the incredibly wise Good Doctor has given me many new prisms with which to view and focus my self-confidence. Sometimes those prisms come in the form of ancient philosophical riddles meant to enlarge the spirit and enrich the mind. Sometimes, those prisms are tucked inside a machine shooting a fractional resurfacing laser, a light beam which is shot at your face to stimulate collagen production. In each case, the prisms both expand the consciousness and shrink the pores. Now that I am finally comfortable in my own (literal and metaphorical) skin, I understand that as long as confidence is what we use when selecting our particular "beauty" products, _any choice is just as good as the others_. In fact, one of the most important lessons Dr. Helms taught me is that if you want to be beautiful, it doesn't matter _which_ prism you use; use the one that makes you feel confident, and everyone will recognize the beauty emanating from inside you. For you, the right prism to focus your self-confidence might be the joy in your child's smile; for me, it's a series of regular medical procedures that gently burn off the top layers of my skin. But when we're true to our confidence, confident in ourselves, and secure in our power, we're all so beautiful that we each deserve our own perfume ads. I mean, not actual perfume ads. But perfume ads of the mind! We can all be the queens of our mind-perfume, if we only trust ourselves. Wait, did that make any sense? I got this intense new laser facial this morning and they told me not to drive afterwards, but I did, and I put my key in the ignition and then when I looked up, I was just here, finishing this chapter. **_G's Personal Stash:_ Use Crystals to Distract Yourself from the So-Called "Realities" of Aging** ©Depositphotos Some people say that the march of time is inevitable, and no matter how much surgery we get or how many expensive cosmetics we buy, we're simply delaying the inevitable. I say that they have never embraced the magical healing power of buying a crystal to distract yourself every single time you feel depressed about anything, especially the quote-unquote "fact" that people who take flaxseed oil supplements still supposedly have to eventually die, just like people who have never even bothered to take flaxseed oil supplements. Each crystal has a different profile and offers different benefits for health and spirit, so make sure to shop around to find the types that best suit you—I love kyanite, personally. But no matter what you settle on, always remember one thing: no one can force you to deal with real life, and if you spend enough time saying you have to go cleanse your crystals in the light of the full moon, no one will even try. **G's Guide to the Right Crystals for the Right Occasion** CRYSTAL | HELPS YOU ---|--- Jade | Eliminate feelings of guilt (even if they are well-deserved!) Quartz | Hold elected office (only in Massachusetts, Ohio, Arizona, and on the Big Island of Hawaii) Dendritic Agate | Be allowed back into the farmer's market even though the manager said it was a "lifetime ban" Garnet | Pass your real estate license exam by the 3rd try Quartz | Never use the wrong "it's/its" Aquamarine | Stop talking about your collection of Dave Matthews Band bootlegs at parties where you know it will be poorly received, but you just can't help yourself Kyanite | Develop powerful & intimidating hair Hematite | Gain your children's respect (only in Massachusetts, Ohio, Arizona, and on the Big Island of Hawaii) **How to Purchase Healthy, Nontoxic Makeup _(from Glop)_** ©Depositphotos Like a lot

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of young women, I always enjoyed playing with makeup. But when I got a little older and became more invested in taking care of myself, I was shocked to find out the array of harsh, illness-causing chemicals packed into even the tiniest smudge of drugstore blush. I was horrified! But as an actress/entrepreneur/spokesmodel for the National Millet Association, getting all dolled up is in my job description. I didn't know what to do, so I did what I always do when I get scared: I decided to do my own research on the thing that scares me. And after a decade of doing round-the-clock research into makeup health and safety, I was absolutely shocked to find that the only makeup on the market that is absolutely guaranteed to not make you develop brain tumors, lead to a mysterious health ailment called "exploding face," or cause you to grow a third, fourth, and fifth elbow, is makeup manufactured by me. I know! I was shocked, too. But it makes sense—my exclusive line of Glop brand makeup and skincare products is the sole makeup company that only uses 100% organic and non-allergenic compounds in their product, constantly monitors recipes to keep formulation up to standard, and sends all products through at least three sessions of Gestalt therapy with a certified practitioner. And no matter what you've read on some other, less credible blogs, our 100% stay-put eyeliner is not made of an unstable compound that we found on a crash-landed asteroid that seemed really healthy and natural at first, but eventually made our beauty assistant Claire's eyelids start talking and by then it was too late to recall it from stores. I mean, that would be crazy! Crazy! I've seen Glop brand makeup change so many lives, and I am so happy and proud to help it change yours. * * * **When Should I Throw Out My Glop Brand Makeup?** Few issues contribute more to consumer confusion than the question of when one should toss out makeup. That's why Glop decided to make it easy for you—since our makeup is made from unprocessed natural ingredients like dandelion sharts and gourd taints, it stays fresh for about two weeks, and then begins to wilt and attract gnats. For this reason, we recommend a gentle purging of your Glop beauty products each fortnight, followed by a purchase of all-new Glop beauty products. As for your other products, don't worry—the loyalty oath that you agreed to at the bottom of our web checkout page authorized us to incinerate all of your other beauty products, and we have! * * * **3 Amazing Skin Products You Should Have Started Using 10 Years Ago and Now It's Way Too Late for Them to Make Any Kind of Difference** ©iStock.com/Wavebreakmedia When it comes to anti-aging products, it's all in the timing—as any dermatologist will tell you, it's much easier to prevent wrinkles from forming in the first place, rather than attempting to smooth them out after the fact. The three products below have been my go-tos since my early 20s, and have made all the difference in my complexion, allowing me to forgo scary stuff like Botox while still keeping a supple, youthful glow. It's a real shame that you didn't find out about them in time. Ah, well! **1** **La Bandeau Printemps Moonscreen 65** Long gone are the days when we'd frolic on the beach sans SPF (or, god help us, covered in tanning oil and with a sun reflector). But while you may feel confident in your sunscreens, did you know that our delicate skin also needs protection from the moon's brutal rays? Yes, the moon is more than just a so-called "planet" that our government has faked a landing on. It also emits harsh rays that can harm skin elasticity. And that's not the end of it—over the past decade, prominent dermatoloticians have discovered that even a moderate level of moon ray exposure is the #1 cause of that moment where you're washing your face and you think you see a burg

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lar out of the corner of your eye, but it's just a towel. Chilling! Luckily, an early European co-star of mine turned me on to this French anti-moon cream, which totally shields your delicate epidermis, so I don't have to deal with any of that. Phew! ©Depositphotos ©Depositphotos **2** **Principessa Laboratories Applied Skin Science Facial Program** Only available at the ultra-exclusive spa located inside the Naval Radiological Defense Laboratory, this hyper-futuristic facial (which uses a proprietary blend of saffron and lavender extract, scallop essence, sea curd, and something called "God particles") actually makes your skin unable to hold a line—it just smoothes out, like a gorgeous cashmere throw. This facial costs $120,000, and in order for it to work, you had to start doing it biannually beginning in 1995, no matter what age you specifically were in 1995. * * * **BONUS: What to Do if It's Too Late for You to Use These Products** If you've missed the window to use these products, don't fret—all hope is not lost! Follow our three-step plan below: 1. Begin with some gentle stretching, to warm up the lymphatic system. 2. Brew a rich cup of nettle tea. 3. Sit down in a chair and, with feet planted hip width apart, write a strongly worded letter to your parents, chastising them for not loving you enough to teach you about this essential preventative medicine (feel free to include any other issues you've been thinking about bringing up with them, too!). * * * ©iStock.com/Goxi **3** **C-500 Standing Meat Freezer** We've all heard the big recent news about cryotherapy, a trend that shocks the skin into resiliency through brief exposure to subzero temperatures. But many of us have been working with these principles for decades, by treating our skin to a restaurant-quality deep freeze each night as we doze. Regular use leaves you with taut, youthful skin all over your body and an unmistakable rosy glow—but only if you already had taut, youthful skin when you begin using it. I can't recommend the C-500 enough—especially newer models, which have emergency release latches located _inside_ the freezer (those would have helped prevent a _lot_ of late set arrivals back in the '90s, let me tell you). **How to Smell like Glop** ©Depositphotos People often write to us to ask, "G, what do you smell like?" Those people are all on a watchlist now. But just because I've hired teenaged Ukrainian hackers to monitor your e-mail doesn't mean that you don't occasionally have a good point. I have a striking, citrus-farmer-meets-British-aristocracy aroma that evokes fluffy Egyptian cotton towels piled high in a bathroom that doesn't actually have a toilet—and I do think it has played a large role in some of my personal and professional successes. Many people assume that this is my natural scent, which is reasonable; but like everything else about me, my scent is not the result of dumb luck, or good genes, or being in the right place at the right time to "borrow" the right script off the right coffee table while the right friend was using the bathroom—it's the result of a very disciplined daily scent routine, which I am sharing here for the first time. A gorgeous scent doesn't have to be expensive—my selections below are well within any budget, as long as you're willing to put in some elbow grease. ©Depositphotos **2 OZ. BERGAMOT** check local market prices A lot of people buy bergamot essential oil instead of juicing the real thing, which is understandable but also personally nauseating to me. Instead, I buy a new 10 lb bag from

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my local organic citrus ranch each week—I only use 14 oz of bergamot juice each week, but the 10 lb bags really give you better options. Once the day's bergamot has been juiced, I gently pat 2 oz of it along my hairline. ©Depositphotos **3 OZ. GROUND, DRIED LAVENDER** check local market prices Most of us are raised to seek shortcuts when it comes to lavender, using cheap oils and candles that have never even been near an actual sprig of _Lamiaceae lavandula_. But when we use these shortcuts, we deprive ourselves of lavender's true rich, earthy aroma. For this reason, I opt to begin each week by setting a new batch of lavender to dry, harvesting last week's now-dried plants, and grinding them with a mortar and pestle in the pre-dawn hours. I then take exactly 3 oz of the ground lavender, retreat to a secret grotto located on an unknown corner of my Brentwood property, toss the finely ground powder in the air, and caper about in its dust like a sun-sick capuchin monkey for a solid minute. ©Depositphotos **1 DROP FRESH BLOOD** free! The smallest, yet most important part of any good morning beauty routine. Once I have scented myself with lavender in my grotto, I sit by a large, mysterious black rock placed in its center, where I gently prick one finger and smear the blood across the rock, all while chanting a soft invocation to He Who Waits. I don't know exactly how it works or what I'm doing; all I know is, before I started doing this in 1987, I was a waitress at a Checkers in Tampa, and I always smelled like burnt plastic, so this truly has become a cornerstone of my scent practice. This all just goes to show—you don't have to be rich to look (or smell!) like a million bucks. You just need some creativity, some ingenuity, and the willingness to spend a few millennia in a lake of fire (which, coincidentally, is excellent for the pores). * * * FASHION * * * ©iStock.com/jodiejohnson If you look at it one way, fashion is a frivolous pursuit, something that we can't possibly devote guiltless emotional space to when the environment is in crisis, Tibet still isn't free, and our country is suffering from a chalupa epidemic from which there often seems no hope of recovery. But if you look at it another way, you have to put _something_ on your body (unless you're spending the weekend at Lenny Kravitz's château)—so why not have it be cashmere jeans, a gorgeously cut pair of custom-made raw denim overalls, or a T-shirt that is made of fabric significantly nicer than what most women wear on their wedding days? Sure, the women at that food co-op you joined to showcase your earthy and participatory nature might be unkind about it. But they were already unkind when they decided it "wasn't cool" that your nanny was working all of your shifts for you, so it's kind of beside the point now, isn't it? Life has to have some pleasure in it, after all. **Socially Conscious Fashion: _I'm Still Going to Wear Leather, Though, I Mean Come On_** ©Depositphotos Factory farming is an unambiguous evil—even if you're not interested in a vegetarian diet, you have to admit that they're a strain on the environment. But fake leather is also an unambiguous evil—after a few years, any faux leather item you have will start cracking, and might even flake into a plate of "paleo souvlaki" (carrots topped with radish shavings) you have lovingly prepared for your children. And in a way, isn't that just trading one trauma for another? I mean, I'm not a monster. I understand the need for a kinder, gentler world where we all think about the

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long-term ramifications that our actions have for our children, and our grandchildren, and _their_ grandchildren. But leather pants telegraph a certain vibe and attitude that only leather pants can telegraph, and I really NEED to telegraph it. What do you want me to wear, wide-legged linen pants? Those clowns on _Fashion Police_ would eat me alive. Because of all of this, I was thrilled to find out about Mara Ruritable's LeatherAge collection of ultra-ethically sourced leather goods. Mara sources her leather exclusively from cows who have died of old age or misadventure on farms in upstate New York. Because of this, each of Mara's leather pieces are unique, with their own distinctive coloring, pattern of moles, teat-related stretch marks, and, on occasion, track marks. Her pieces celebrate the life and legacy of the cow or bull who gave the leather, no matter whether they passed peacefully in their sleep, accidentally ate a hallucinogenic toad and fell into a lake, or unwisely attempted to mate with a ride-on mower. It's leather we can all feel good about. ©Depositphotos **MARA RURITABLE'S LEATHERAGE LEATHER JEGGINGS** price available upon request **Everyday Basics That Cost $1,000 but You'd Understand Why if You Could Touch Them _(You Will Never Touch Them)_** ©Depositphotos While it's fun to shop for accent pieces, it's so important to have a closet full of dependable classics that can carry you through your days. In fact, I've found that most women who think they "know nothing about fashion" actually just don't have a good set of staples to work with. With that in mind, I've assembled a list of my favorite wardrobe anchors that may look like things you have hanging in your closet, but which are vastly superior because the fabric feels like the cloth equivalent of receiving a sexually charged massage from a 21-year-old Norwegian boat captain. **ISABEL QUISOTTO RIBBED CASHMERE CARDIGAN** You may think that cashmere is cashmere, but that's just because you've never worn Isabel Quisotto cashmere. If you did, you'd probably realize that most lower-priced cashmere is actually 38% actual cashmere, 50% cat fur, and 12% recycled industrial paper towels. Available in Snow White, Chalk White, Milk White, and Eggshell. **SIERRA VAN DER THON "TRISH" BLAZER** Studies done on the linen used to make this blazer have shown that even mere seconds of contact with it replicate the brain patterns most commonly seen in newborns being embraced by their mother first thing in the morning. Available in Rosemary and Plum. Oh, never mind, I just realized I got the last Rosemary one, sorry about that. Available in Plum. **AB TK THE FRENCH CARGO PANT** As these pants prove, we have the technology to make a flattering-looking cargo pant with enough pockets to fit your on-the-go lifestyle. But until those fat cats in Washington agree to provide more funding for research, these custom-fitted and hand-sewn pants will be available only to a chosen few. Available in Coal Chamber, Mudvayne, Incubus, and Len. **RICHARD RICHARD CLASSIC SCOOP NECK T** If your first relatives who crossed an ocean to get to America could touch this T-shirt one time, they would descend into a chilling spiral of madness from which they would never return. Available in Whispers, Hushed Laments, and Ecru. **LA POUPEE KITTY KAT MICRO PURSE** This tiny purse is shaped like a cat, but no one will ever say anything about it, because it costs $1,000. **HERMÈS PANTIES** Like regular panties, but from Hermès

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! And like some other Hermès products, they come with a lifetime warranty, which means that as they become soiled from regular use, you can keep sending them back to Paris for a delicate refurbishing by Hermès's top laundry artisans. Can be upgraded with gold or platinum hardware and diamond accents. **The Glop Guide to the Right Outfit for the Right Occasion** ©iStock.com/Tarzhanova Having the chicest outfit in the room is no use if it's the wrong outfit for what you're doing. For example, a Valentino couture wedding gown with a full train is divine, but if you show up for enough first dates in it, you will eventually be kicked off Tinder. So it's important not just to pick the best outfit, but the best outfit for the job. Below, I've assembled a few of my favorites that go with life's most important (and best-dressed) moments. **First Day at a New Internship** Corset-topped bodice leather pencil skirt, Carolyn Humidor So Kate pump in Nude, Christian Louboutin Microlace high-necked button-up with peekaboo nipple paneling, Thierra Myst HINT: Carolyn Humidor's leather corset-topped pencil skirts telegraph strength and power without doing a thing—which is great, because they hold their shape best if you refrain from unnecessary movement while wearing them. So try to avoid spending your first day doing old-fashioned office moves like getting coffee, or breathing—instead, stand completely still, awash in your own sense of your potential. **Your High School Reunion** Steel cage bustier with mesh inset webbing and rubberized tapes, Scythe Studios Satin skirt in Air-Cream Green, Porpoise Mackenzie One huge diamond Second huge diamond HINT: Details make a huge impact when telling your outfit's visual story. With this look, the second huge diamond is key in telling your story—it shows that it's not just like you saved a ton of money for years and eventually managed to afford just one wimpy huge diamond. **First Date** Cotton/kelp sundress, Lili Q.R.C.M.-R. Kitten heels, Lili Q.R.C.M.-R. HINT: This dress makes that all-important first impression by combining the comfort of cotton with the chicness and crushing, joyless environmental responsibility of repurposed kelp. Since the scent can get overpowering during daylight hours, you'll want to keep accessories simple and classic for coffee dates. **When You Have to Knock 'Em Dead at Work** Strapless silk jumpsuit in Erotic City Purple, Kreplich & Co. Peep-toe heels in Spank Me, I'm A Bad Little Monkey Red, Reebok Crotch accentuator by Baron von Latex HINT: I know! Reebok makes heels now! I was surprised, too, but they balance form and fashion in a way that will help you bowl all your co-workers over when you present your special projects! **Family Fun Day at the Beach** Purely theoretical blouse in Toasted Rumpleminz, Alice Lobberning Seamless pescatarian robo-trousers, Lobbern Alicing 1 dried apple, Shephard's Farm of Oak Glen HINT: Lobbern Alicing's seamless pescatarian robo-trousers come in a variety of shapes, sizes, and colors, and I highly recommend outfitting the entire family in them! That way, you can show all the paparazzos and looky-loos at the beach that you all absolutely agree about everything and there are no problems you can't solve together, because there are no problems at all. **Solving the Cultural Appropriation Dilemma by Appropriating from Cultures That Don't Exist** ©iStock.com/Josef Philipp We live in fast-changing times, and we have a duty to move with them,

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even when we'd prefer to stay rooted in the comfort of the past. For example, 15 years ago, I never could have predicted that I'd have to throw out all my business dashikis, or that wearing bindis, not as a sign of Hindu spirituality but to draw attention to your lusciously smooth forehead, would be frowned upon. And yet, here we are. It doesn't matter if you weren't trying to undermine another culture or be racist, and were just wearing cornrows because they really do look great on you—we have to be sensitive to others' feelings, beliefs, and experiences, especially in areas with high paparazzi density. For generations, wearing another culture's clothes symbolized that you were an openhearted world traveler, someone who wore native garb from a place that felt like your adopted homeland because you went to a really amazing rave there in 1997. In today's more thoughtful times, how are we to now signify that classic spirit of adventure, belief that the world is our classroom, and the fact that you totally aren't a narc? Here at Glop HQ, we've been experimenting with appropriating the classic styles of cultures that don't actually exist. These design flourishes help give outfits that "citizen of the world" flair, while also all but ensuring that no Wesleyan-educated millennial know-it-all will end up writing an angry blog post about you. **Atlantis** The versatile seashell bikini top works not only as a sea-to-sand transition outfit, but can work as a day-to-night item if you style it correctly (we like a few strands of ethically sourced pearls and a smartly cut blazer). A full fishtail is too bulky for everyday wear, but is a great touch of whimsy for a special occasion, like lounging around your luxe bedouin tent while watching Rihanna perform at Coachella. (I checked with my Appropriation Coordinator about whether we're still allowed to use bedouin tents in this situation, and she voted yes, because there are so few Bedouin travelers in Indio at this time of year). **The Hollow Earth** There are so many vibrant cultures alleged to inhabit the planet's empty core that you can take your pick, and select the one that makes the most provocative, thoughtful, or lightly erotic statment about your personality. My favorite Hollow Earth culture to appropriate from is the proto-prehistoric culture from Jules Verne's _Journey to the Center of the Earth_ , which to me signifies boldness and risk-taking, and can also be approximated with faux fur items you likely already own! **North Pole** Though many of our tackier relations have given appropriating this culture a bad name, a thoughtful dollop of North Pole—like a pop of red velvet lining inside a jacket, or boots made from the skin of a young, impetuous reindeer—can give a very simple outfit a sense of depth and texture. **Avalon** Peasant skirts with romantic layers are often considered the go-to way to show a cultural connection with the mythical UK island where King Arthur was taken after being wounded in battle—but in recent years, I've preferred to show my connection by being enveloped in a soft, misty fog. It's a fresher take, and it is wonderfully hydrating for the skin. **The Beyond** Though the basic crisp white sheet with eye holes sheared into it will always have a place in our hearts, we have found that wearing it in public will quickly make cultural appropriation the least of your concerns. Instead, we find that an extra swipe of highlighter across the cheekbones and a mini flashlight held loosely under the chin get the point across beautifully (Sonia Rykiel has some gorgeous mini flashlights this season). * * * HOME * * * ©Depositphotos The home is our most treasured space—a place to retreat from the pressures of the world, spend quality time with our families, and think about some new salads you might like to try. But there's a ceiling (metaphorically and literally) on how

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relaxed we can ever feel, or how many salads we can think of, when our home isn't stocked with the right items for our family's wants and needs. I would never tell you about the items that I currently keep in my house, because my family's home is a sacred space meant only for us (also I am currently experimenting with some New Minimalist design where the only furniture in our home is a pile of the Elephant Man's bones). But the picks below are items that my family has loved and used in the past, or, in the case of lower-priced items, were loved and used by some of my less-essential assistants—and I'm sure you'll love them, too. If you find that you don't love these picks, please know that the problem is you (for more resources, see "12 Cognitive Behavioral Therapists Who Will Teach You to Have Better Taste in Flatware," exclusively on our site). **The Only Bidets You'll Ever Need** ©Depositphotos I try not to keep many toilets in my home—my children and I much prefer to use the fast-moving stream behind our Napa estate, which is good for the environment _and_ helps us stay a bit more in tune with our bodies (my son, Candida, did once catch giardia in there, but that was mostly due to his own errors). However, as previously noted, we also love entertaining; and when you're hosting guests, certain concessions must be made—and unfortunately, offering a "bathed room" is often one of them. But having indoor plumbing doesn't have to be a drag! Especially when you approach it as an opportunity to flex your design muscles. Your bathroom can be a showcase for your breezy, self-assured mid-century style—full of delicate whispers of silver accent, frothy mouthfuls of rich Calacatta marble, and strangled gasps of sumptuously hand-marinated glass. Take those indoor plumbing lemons, mix them with water and cayenne pepper, and make some "lemonade" that you must consume nonstop for 30 days! No matter what your aesthetic, the star of any bathroom is always the bidet. Whether starkly Brutalist or playfully sensual, your bidet is the element that unites your bathroom concept. But with so many options out there, it can be stressful to choose the right one—who among us hasn't seen one that looked fantastic in the showroom, only to experience bidet-buyer's remorse once it has been installed? Don't worry—this is why we're here. The 5 bidets below were child-tested and mom-approved, and then also approved by members of the advisory board of _Architecture Digest_. Together, they cover all the seasons of a woman's life, functioning less like a set of 5 bidets and more like a group of warm, kind-hearted friends who provide love, support, and room-temperature water to shoot into your lower bodily cavities when you truly need it most. **1** **Philippe Starck Ghost Bidet** For those looking to showcase their sense of sleek edginess in their loo, you can't go wrong with this companion piece to Starck's popular Ghost Chair. This is made from transparent injection-molded polycarbonate, turning staid traditional bidet design on its head! It does not have the machinery to connect to any kind of water supply, as that would ruin its lines and form, but you'll figure something out. **2** **Siena Design Perma-Clean™ Misting High-Intensity Bidet** A must-have for anyone seeking to truly clean their flowering zucchini plant, this disinfects your water supply by running an impressive 1,000 volts of electricity through your water, purifying every molecule and delivering a next-level clean. Though this bidet has been banned in both the northern and southern hemispheres, you can still pick one up from an unlicensed garbage barge parked in the middle of the equator. **3** **Toshi-1252a** _The_ bidet of the moment, the 1252a blows the

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1251c completely out of the water (pardon the pun) with even lower-impact nozzles, an even higher-impact catalytic converter, multiple warming functions, and even more adjustable frequencies. Plus, they've finally worked out the bugs with the bidet's proprietary intelligent personal assistant and knowledge navigator—it no longer uses its "security function" to automatically take photos of any movement in its vicinity and then immediately post them to Facebook. Brilliant! **4** **Traviatta** Looking to send the kids to your parents' house for the night and "reconnect"? This lush, nearly voluptuous, almost hedonistic piece is the perfect bidet to help reignite the passion in your relationship. From its meticulously crafted spout—which delivers an almost cushiony flow—to the paneling, which is handcrafted from reclaimed wood that once belonged to Samuel Pepys, this bidet's romantic details make it the perfect choice for a long, sybaritic weekend with your partner and a college girl you met on FetLife. **5** **Bidet By Marc by Marc Jacobs** My fellow mothers of tweens will love this one! As you know, once they turn 11 or 12, there's just no pleasing your kids—while they used to love any bidet you picked out for them, now they'll tell you that any bidet you think is nice is "totally for babies" or "so boring" or "such shitty stupid trash that I literally wish Grandma had died in a war so neither of us were ever born." So surprise your middle school diva with her favorite designer's limited-edition bidet—the bright colors and polka dots provide a hit of youthful fun, while the embossed metallics give it a bit of edge that will take her right through her teen years. Let's see her try to call you a "gross withered old celery bitch" now! **Décor I Would Never Personally Buy, but Maybe It Would Look Nice in Your Smaller Home?** ©Depositphotos Over the years, I have received a lot of feedback about how many of Glop's picks are "out of touch," "completely unaffordable," "unrealistic for working families," "prohibitively expensive," "often seem to be items that have been handcrafted by Issey Miyake inside a dormant volcano on the ocean's floor," etc. I'm shocked every time, of course—when I select items to feature on Glop, I always try to include something for every price point. But it's important to make sure that all people feel seen and heard—even people who are very wrong about you, because they have probably never read your actual website and are simply going off what they read on some humorous blog. So with that in mind, I have flouted conventional decorating wisdom, dedicated weeks to research, and picked out some gorgeous, dynamic home décor, all of it priced below $10,000. There. I hope you all feel validated now (for more on how to feel validated, check our "15 Ancient Ayurvedic Tips to Get More Likes on Facebook," exclusively on our website). Cashmere Ottoman $7,531 Set of 3 Steel Micro-Bowls $863 Gold Decorative Brick $3,000 Steam-Powered Heated Towel Rack $6,032 Plate to Place Bananas Upon $2,500 Set of 15 Platinum Clam Forks $1,200 Special Edition Sculpted Glass Wine Decanter (all proceeds go to reptile diabetes research) $2,090 A Matchbook Cursed by Martha Stewart $5,000 Juice Glass $600 The Perfect Yacht-Mounted Wine Mini-Fridge (land-based version) $9,898 **How to Decorate the Wings of Your Home That You Have Closed Off** ©Depositphotos The saying "out of sight, out of mind" is the motto for most

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working moms—if it isn't in our way right that second, it might as well not exist. Between work obligations and family commitments, we can barely get around to firing our laziest reiki master, let alone concern ourselves with decorating the wings of our homes that have been closed off due to structural issues. The practical, no-nonsense parts of ourselves that we use to drive hard bargains in our working lives may say, "Why bother with lighting design in a part of our manse that is inhabited only by a few 100% biodynamic mice and the occasional stray wraith of a duchess?" But while this attitude may bring us success in the boardroom, it isn't necessarily well suited for life inside the home. The opportunity to decorate any part of the house—even a part that has been closed off because, in order to preserve the original Victorian oak floorboards, no one can walk on them or breathe too heavily near them—is an opportunity to create a warmer, more refined home, one that truly feels like a refuge. I also have fostered a rich, mutually supportive relationship with the ghosts in each of our homes, and believe decorating your closed-off wings is a great chance to show them that they, too, deserve a romantic, restorative sanctuary. **Try out some new styles.** In the parts of our home that our families use, "coziness" and "comfort" are generally the watchwords; however, a closed-off wing is a blank "grown-ups only" canvas in which we can "go wild," decorating with the kinds of design flourishes that adults love, but which would barely last 10 seconds with our little tykes around. I personally find that closed-off wings are a great place to try out some truly luscious experimental couches—our glass-shard couch by Bivendi, which we keep in the closed-off wing of our Tuscan estate, is one of my most beloved possessions. **Fill it with credenzas.** If you're anything like me, you have a bit of a credenza problem—nearly any time I see a beautiful one, I have to snatch it up, even though I know I already have dozens at home. A closed-off wing is a great place to finally put those credenzas to work—stagger them, layer them, or fill them with polio to honor your home's traditional Victorian design, while still invigorating it with a modern sensibility. **Play with drapery.** We have a much broader palette of drapery to work with when we're decorating a closed-off wing, since the design doesn't have to allow for free movement by occupants. And since the floors often can't support the full weight of traditional furniture, drapery must be used to express every mood and design gesture in the space—you can often capture the essence of pieces of solid furniture with a piece of impeccably colored and shaped drapery. For instance, the closed-off wing of our Malibu place has a drapery "couch," drapery "coffee table," drapery "rolltop desk," and drapery "Lalique 'Perruches' vase." **A Bunch of Expensive Fucking Pots, Just Because** ©Depositphotos As founding father Benjamin Franklin once memorably said, "A house is not a home unless it is filled with a bunch of giant hand-thrown clay pots that can't hold water but also you can't put plants in them but also don't even touch them." We've tried to pay tribute to the great man's vision with our picks below. Herftfordtshire Ultd majolica leaf plate $4,985 Griffin Reamer-Dulcimer Workshop of Joshua Tree lava-glaze neo-cauliflower ware $6,999 Crevette Effroyable Organic Modernist Creations Jackfield deep-glaze pot with "scary shellfish" embossing throughout $20,001 Veni Vidi Vpottery of Naples reclaimed Vesuvian serving tray $15,586.67 Charlene Tillamook Limited Edition "Giant Pot" Collection giant pot $

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53, 982 Cronenberg Collection malachite-and-gold "New Flesh" potter, from their "Unspeakable Modernist Horrors" series $9,888 Vintage pot created by British peasants to celebrate a visit by Alfonso XIII of Spain in 1922 $60,042 Pot created by my son Chiarruscuro in art class price available upon request * * * GIFTS * * * ©Depositphotos Most of us only really think about gift-giving around the holidays or on kids' birthdays—the rest of the time, we generally fall back on thoughtless ways to celebrate a friend's birthday or accomplishment, like paying for dinner or handing over yet another gift certificate for orgasmic yoga classes. But as much as your friend may technically find an offer to pay for her horse's deworming useful, it misses the real point of the lost art of giving gifts: gifts should show how deeply you know and care about your friend, by giving her things she doesn't technically need but would definitely buy herself if she had taste as good as yours. Why pay for her horse's deworming, when you can buy her horse a Bottega Veneta black cashmere throw to wear while it's getting dewormed? That kind of thoughtfulness is at the heart of gift-giving. **3 Gifts That Say, "Sting, I'm Sorry, Can We Talk? This Isn't Easy for Me, Either"** ©Depositphotos Learning to apologize properly is one of the most important parts of growing up. Part of apologizing properly is looking inside yourself and realizing why what you did was wrong, owning up to your shortcomings, and seeking real forgiveness with total honesty and humility. The other, more important part of apologizing properly is figuring out the exact right gift to give that will make the person you're apologizing to like you again. I recently learned a very important lesson about this in my own life, when an unfavorable mix of top-shelf gin and a private Kundalini yoga workshop led me to alienate one of my most bosom friends. These are some of the gifts I handpicked as I went on a quest to win back his confidence. **1** **Vast Majority of the Country of Malta** _price available upon request_ When apologizing, it's important to show that you truly care about the comfort and peace of the person you want to make feel better. Sometimes, the best way to convey this is to give your friend some space to ponder what their life would be like if they cut you out of it—and if you can provide that space by purchasing it for them, all the better. **2** **The Bones of Phil Collins ( _presale through private broker_ )** $10,000,000 When space isn't enough, sometimes your apology gift should show how you two still share the same values—that no matter what disagreements have befallen your friendship, or how you "energetically released" your stomach contents during corpse pose, your similarities outnumber your differences. A great way to show this is to pick up a gift that will allow your friend to make good on the blood oath they took on the final night of their disastrous 2001 "King of Coming In the Air Tonight" co-headlining tour. **3** **Pomegranate Me Your Forgiveness Sorbet Gift Basket** Edible Arrangements, $33 Leave this at Stonehenge the night before Beltane. No note. He'll know. **7 Easy Hostess Gifts for the Woman Who Literally Has _Everything_** ©iStock.com/brozova In the hustle and bustle of daily life—long days at work, followed by hours of homework help with the kids, followed by colon irrigation after colon irrigation after colon irrigation!—it can be easy to fall back on the same tired old hostess gifts for every party you attend. We all have that closet stocked with bottles of 2005 Château Lafite Rothschild, diam

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ond-plated ram's horns that double as iPhone speakers, and golden latte machines that dispense liquid gold lattes—so the temptation to go on hostess gift autopilot is right there. The struggle, as they say, is real. And yet, I would like to challenge you to make this year different, by putting some extra effort into your hostess gifts. You may be surprised to see how friendships bloom when you express, through a simple gift, that you know something about your hostess and care that she feels pleased with her gift. And if you feel like you don't even know where to start, I'd like to recommend some counterintuitive hostess gifts that have turned many an acquaintance into a true pal for me over the years. **1. 15 ENGRAVED LALIQUE VASES** Lots of people show up with armfuls of Lalique vases to these things, but who is forward-thinking enough to jazz them up with chic engravings of stuff like your hostess's initials, astrological symbol, or emergency contact info? You, now! **2. ROUGH DRAFT OF THE ORIGINAL SCRIPT FOR _STAR WARS_ , WITH AN ALTERNATE ENDING WHERE HAN SOLO ENGAGES IN SOME ENTIRELY JUSTIFIED CANNIBALISM** Who doesn't like owning a piece of history? **3. A URANIUM MINE IN LOST CREEK, WYOMING** Cheeky! **4. PAINTING OF THE LAST SUPPER WITH YOU AS ALL OF THE CHARACTERS** Guaranteed to only appreciate in value. **5. ONE HEALTHY GIRAFFE** If this is not available, two slightly sick giraffes is considered an acceptable substitution. **6. PUBLISHING RIGHTS TO "ROCKY RACCOON"** Now available from SkyMall, for those of you on the go! **7. BROOKSTONE PIZZA STONE** For when you have no idea about a hostess's personal tastes and just want to err on the side of caution. Don't assume that you know what she likes. When you assume, you make an ass out of you and M.E. (Melania Elvira, my gifting doula). **Birthday Gifts for Your Friend Who You Know Wants a Cartier Watch but You Don't Think She Deserves It** ©Depositphotos We all have that "problem" friend—someone who weaseled her way into our social circle when we weren't looking and whom we are now required to purchase gifts for on her birthday. Predictably, this friend is always eyeing your pink gold and diamond Cartier Tank Francaise watch, dropping hints asking about your relationships with the staff at the Cartier store, sending you texts asking you to buy her a pink gold and diamond Cartier Tank Francaise watch for her birthday, etc. Below, discover 7 birthday gifts that say, "Drew may like you because she is a very trusting and forgiving person, but I, personally, remain unconvinced." **1 _A $20,000 donation in her name to the Butt Disorders wing of the Johns Hopkins Institute for Biogenetic Research_** **2 _Taxidermied foot of the real-life elephant who inspired_ Babar _(comes with a certificate of authenticity confirming that he did not die naturally)_** **3 _Partial ownership of the San Diego Chargers_** **4 _Andy Warhol's_ Electric Chair, _unframed and slightly creased_** **5 _Pink gold Cartier Tank Francaise watch without diamonds_** **6 _One-year membership at Careless Whispers, Cleveland's most exclusive sex club_** **7 _A 30-minute one-on-one meet-and-greet with Omarosa_** **What to Buy for Your Friend Who Lets Her Kids Eat White Flour** We all have someone in our life whom we feel deep affection for, despite the fact that they exhibit a criminal level of disregard of

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their children's glycemic index. Perhaps you're connected to this person by accident of birth; maybe you're just hanging around because you're waiting for the right moment to discreetly take a photo of her serving orange soda to her children, which you will then forward to Child Protective Services. Either way, you still need to figure out the right items to give her for birthdays and holidays that say, "I'd get you something nicer if I believed that you knew how to properly milk a cashew, you ghoul." * * * **BONUS: What to Do if Someone Buys YOU $200 Candles** In the past, whenever I unwrapped a gift box to find that it contained $200 candles, I immediately started making plans to donate them to a children's charity, even as I was "thanking" the person who had gifted them to me. But then, I learned this life-changing pearl from my scalp manager, Peony-Skylar LaFargo—and my gift-accepting life has never been the same! 1. Take your $200 candles 2. Place them into $10,000 candleholders Voilà! Now your candles look like they cost at least $500, meaning you can confidently place them in your servants' garage, second prep kitchen, or the only bathroom your landscapers are allowed to use. * * * ©Depositphotos **$200 CANDLES BY TERRIER POUVOIR** $205 The cool thing about Terrier Pouvoir candles—created on a Dutch lavender farm by a French ex-banker who left New York City so that she and her family could have the space and peace to fully appreciate their window treatments—is that, in addition to their line of cheap crap for awful losers, they also have a really great selection of luxe hypoallergenic soy candles, in case you're in the mood to pick up a little something for yourself. ©Depositphotos **THE ORIGINAL TINY PURSE BY SARARARARA** $450 Sarararara is at the forefront of the "tiny purse" movement, which is about simplifying your life by only filling it with things that truly give you joy—and then shoving those things that give you joy into this 3 x 4-inch purse. This gift might encourage your friend to be more conscious and deliberate about her existence; also, there is no room in it for Cheez-Its. ©Depositphotos **ECO-WEEKENDER TOTE BY REMOTE UVULA** $500 These chic weekender bags, fashioned from repurposed uvulas of long-dead whales, are stylish AND they teach a lesson about how to honor our earth (instead of eating things that make it seem like your friend doesn't even understand the differences between the majestic human body and a tarp filled with dumpster water, _which are many_ ). * * * KIDS! * * * ©Depositphotos Every single year, my appreciation and grasp of what it truly means to be a parent expands, matures, and changes. I accomplish most of this growth through dedicated spiritual study with excellent teachers abroad, sometimes for months at a time if that's what it takes to truly understand the real psychological tenets of parenting. This schedule, of course, is terribly hard on my children, whom I usually see for about 6 days a month (10 tops, and that's only when I don't have a new detoxifying charcoal suppository to promote that season). So, like any busy working mother, I like to make the most of the precious little time we have together. We're more than just our children's protectors; we also are their very first models for how to interact with the world, weathering its disappointments and celebrating its moments of joy. And so I like to spend our time together passing on my most cherished values in my family's most time-honored way: buying stuff. This section is a bit briefer than the others because children are smaller than adults, so you don't need to put as much thought

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into what you buy them (it's math). **4 Endangered Species Protection Society Memberships to Get Your Children Instead of What They Really Want** ©Depositphotos Like so many kids, my own two towheaded angels have spent years desperate for a puppy. But while raising a dog can be a rewarding experience, my third personal assistant/pet consultant, Deborah Shannen-Jaws-Shannon, has advised me that having a dog running around the house would absolutely undo all the root chakra work we've been doing. Plus, when we give our children everything they desire, we deprive them of the wonderful gift of being unhappy and then figuring out what to do to kill the pain—one of life's most essential skills. With all of this in mind, every year I give my kiddos a new membership to an endangered species protection society, to remind them that the world is bigger than just their immediate sphere; that the less fortunate need their help; and that animals are best enjoyed from afar. **1. WORLD WILDLIFE ORGANIZATION** This great group has live cameras placed throughout the rainforest and jungle areas around the world, so your kids can log on any hour of the day or night and see panda bears, orangutans, or baby elephants that look like they're practically in your living room. Yes, dogs may offer shy and nervous kids a sense of unconditional love in an uncaring world, but surely the wild animals seen in this live cam would also feel unconditional love for your kids if they met them (that is, if Nature had not programmed most of them to mistake your child for a rival animal intent on stealing their young, leading them to rip your tot limb from limb). **2. PANDA KLUB** Looking to teach your kids about responsibility the way that walking and caring for a dog might? Then you're in luck—this conservation group can have their members' fees billed directly to your child, and if they forget to pay on time, Panda Klub WILL turn their account over to a collections agency. **3. WALT AND JENNY'S ANIMAL SAVERS—TULUM** Walt and Jenny are a wonderful couple who travel the world defending and protecting animals who are under siege due to environmental or human threats. Their Tulum, Mexico, outpost unfortunately doesn't have any actual animals on-site, but it is located next to a great massage place, and also Walt and Jenny once personally helped me talk a nanny down from a bad salvia trip. **4. TOM FORD** Tom Ford is less an endangered species protection society in the traditional sense, and more a visionary designer whose breathtaking tailoring and eye for texture makes him a national treasure. But the hardest (and yet often most rewarding) part of parenting is teaching your kids that what they want and what they _need_ are sometimes two very different things—and they need to get some nicer shoes if they think they are going with me to the People's Choice Awards this year, I am _serious_. **4 Best Caviarz for Kidz** ©Depositphotos Though I like to keep an eye on sugar, salt, and preservatives in my little ones' diets, I don't deprive my kids of all the classic treats of childhood by any means. Sometimes, being a great mom means letting your kids live a little, you know? And so, on a balmy summer afternoon, there's nothing my brood likes better than gathering together on the back deck and chatting about the shenanigans and monkeyshines they got up to that day with their nannies and assistant nannies while we all cool down with a nice plate of caviar. When I see the looks on their faces as they shovel down that Kazakhstanian beluga roe, I know I can't deprive them, even though the sodium is off the charts. There are, after all, only so many summers of childhood! My grocer is great about keeping stocked up on the brands of caviar that kids crave, but I know that many parents are not so lucky. There's no need to turn this into another dinner table standoff, though—we've handpicked

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the best caviars that keep kids happy (which is the real secret to keeping parents happy). **1** **Bill's Shassetra** Bill is a father himself, and understands how important it is to serve our kids sustainably and ethically harvested fish eggs—not only for our values, but for their futures. **2** **Millicent Farms Russian Sturgeon Caviar** Millicent Farms offers the best of both worlds: _Caviar Aficionado_ named it "the champagne of caviars," yet its playful, smoky flavor will grab the taste buds of even the fussiest snacker (who is accustomed to regularly consuming grade 1 Russian caviar). **3** **Gaston Beareuth Royal Caviar** "Royal caviar" is a term that means a golden roe, which is only produced by 1 in 1,000 sturgeon. I love to pack this one for their lunches, because its yellow hue is such a fun cafeteria conversation starter! **4** **Fresh Sturgeon from the Caspian Sea** Of course, if you really want to give your kids one of the classic experiences you remember from your own childhood, you'll want to take them out on an Azerbaijanian fishing boat, where earthy fishermen will scoop up some roe right from the source. Done properly, this trip can not only expand your child's palate, but also make up for accidentally leaving them in Istanbul for 72 hours during the _Iron Man 3_ press tour. **Family Fun Picks from My Children, Perforated Hespadrille and Choade** ©Depositphotos We can get so busy trying to be perfect parents—getting our children into the right schools, sending them to the right extracurriculars, buying them the right Cessnas—that we often forget that the real point of having kids is spending quality time with them. It's so important to remember to just relax with our kids, and do the things that _they_ like to do. My kids, Perforated Hespadrille and Choade, have had strong personalities and vivid tastes practically since they came out of the birthing pool, and whether we're on the go while I'm at work, or spending a lazy Sunday making our own stevia, I make sure to include things that reflect their own interests and satisfy their curiosities. Below, PH and Choadey share some of their favorite kid stuff. **The Ingmar Bergman Trilogy Boxed Set ( _Through a Glass Darkly_ / _Winter Light_ / _The Silence_ )** Every time PH has some friends over, she loves to toss on a disc from the set that the Criterion collection calls an "evocation of a desperate world confronted with God's desertion." **Diamanda Galas, _Plague Mass_** Choadey got me into this one, and now we pump it on every family road trip! His favorite track is album-opener "There Are No More Tickets to the Funeral," but I prefer the deep-cut track "How Shall Our Judgement Be Carried Out Upon the Wicked?," especially if I need to get psyched when I'm doing my last set of reps at the gym. **_Watership Down_ , by Richard Adams** Choadey says, "I love the bunnies. They are so silly. Sometimes I wish I could go away forever, too." **AffirmME! App** PH is just _addicted_ to this app, which provides users with uplifting daily affirmations, like "The present moment may be a prison, but it is a brief moment in the eternity of the spirit." I can barely pry it out of her hands at dinner! **Traditional Vodun Doll** I actually don't remember buying this for the kids, but they can't seem to get enough of it—and when the kids are happy _and_ learning something about another culture, I'm always over the moon. The doll is made of bark, and appears to have some of my hair glued to the top, as well as some pins stuck through it, proving that, if you take

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them away from all those screens, kids still possess infinite natural creativity. ©Depositphotos * * * LOOK AT * * * ©iStock.com/mattjeacock Glop isn't just about the things you eat, wear, or smudge sage around; it's also about being a citizen of the future, and finding the greatest culture for your family everywhere you go. In fact, part of the reason I founded Glop is that I wanted to find a way to share all the great advice and information I had picked up over the course of my many travels. You shouldn't be going to some artisanal wind salon or restaurant that only serves water that carrots have been boiled in, just because your hotel concierge recommended it (especially since they're only recommending it because they're getting a kickback); you should be going to the absolute best artisanal wind salon or carrot-water restaurant in town! So I'm pleased to be able to share my best "not for tourists" picks that will make you feel at home no matter where you find yourself. **The Glop Guide to Spending a Ton of Money in Paris** ©bowie15/123RF There's truly no place on earth like the City of Lights! Few other cities can match Paris's history, romance, and ability to make visitors feel like they are constantly being judged. Because of all these features, Paris has always felt like a second home to me (and is, coincidentally, the site of my ninth home). The ancient Gothic churches! The gorgeous public parks! The train system that I hear people who don't have cars like to use! It all makes for a world-class visit, every time. The best parts of Paris manage to combine the Old and New Worlds in fascinating ways—and allow you to instantly understand why this useless, carb-filled city still manages to charm pretty much everyone who visits. **Dine** **CRUEL PIERRE'S GRUEL BOWL** It's true, French women don't get fat—and Cruel Pierre is why! French food is some of the best in the world—but it's also some of the worst for you. That's where C. P. comes in; his fresh, high-protein spins on traditional French gruels have been helping Gloppers enjoy their trip to the City on the Seine (without ruining their diets) since 2002. The menu changes daily, based on what C. P. and his staff find on their daily trips to Paris' legendary early morning gruel markets—so one visit may yield a tasty leek-and-microgreens gruel, while the next might find you sipping on some gruel infused with wild-caught cod. And if you get tired of gruel, don't worry—Cruel Pierre offers plenty of lively side dishes, like a plate of rock salt that Pierre personally forces you to eat all of. C'est magnifique! **Visit** **PÈRE LACHAISE CEMETERY** Père Lachaise is the largest and most famous cemetery in Paris—which is really saying something in a city famous for being filled with the decaying remains of society's most beloved cultural figures. Père Lachaise is the final resting place of everyone from Oscar Wilde to Maria Callas to Jim Morrison—and me, sometime within the next 60 to 100 years (depending on the pace of innovations in the fields of laser dentistry and kale injection technologies). Every time I'm in Paris, I love to come and visit the grave plots I have purchased for myself, my children Pawtucket and Charro, and an as-yet-unknown lucky future Mr. Glop! (In the event that we are unable to source a Mr. Glop in time, the spot will be filled with the body of our beloved family dog, Pier Paolo Pasolini.) Buying a group plot in Père Lachaise is a classic Paris experience, and something every family should do at least once. So make sure to plan your trip on a weekday, when the office is open. And come say hi to our plot while you're at it—we're right behind Honoré de Balzac! **Shop** **CHRISTIAN LOUBOUT

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IN PARIS FLAGSHIP STORE MATERIALS SHOWROOM VIP TOUR** Paris (or "Paname," as the young people call it) is a famous international mecca for shopping —you can get the best of the best from every designer in the world within the city limits. But I think it adds a special element to the experience when spend your time in Paris shopping with one of the city's own—which is why I love my yearly trips to the Christian Louboutin Paris Flagship Store Materials Showroom VIP Tour ($1,000). Though Louboutin's signature red-soled heels are a staple for stylish women the world over, it all began here, and this one-on-one exclusive tour puts you face-to-face with the raw creativity at work in the brand. Tour guests will be taken to a hidden nook of the shop, where you'll get to spend up to an hour examining the raw leather and cans of red paint that eventually become the world's most elegant shoe (the cans are unopened, but the color is clearly labeled on the side). Make sure to stay in close contact with your tour guide, though—last time I went, I thought mine had just left to use the bathroom, but he had actually accidentally locked me in there over a three-day weekend (the French love their holidays!). **Stay** **MY APARTMENT IN PARIS** My home in the 16th arrondissement is absolutely one of my favorite spaces in the world—it's so peaceful, while still being steps from the thrilling hustle and bustle of the city, and always filled with gorgeous afternoon light. It's a wonderful place to unwind—having your own apartment, filled with your personal belongings, makes travel a pleasure instead of a chore. You should think about getting one! **Watch** **8TH ARRONDISSEMENT COMMUNITY PLAYERS PRODUCTION OF _SHEAR MADNESS_** It's in French! Adorable! **View** **_FULL/STOP_ BY AARON JONES AT GALERIE LUCIE BERNAISE** I met Aaron at a silent SoulCycling retreat in Nice and was immediately struck by his passionate personality and vibrant man-bun. Aaron told me he was a painter who specialized in "dynamic pigment-based energy transfer," painting "soul portraits" of notable men and women with organic and nontoxic dyes tailored to their aura palette. He asked me to sit for a portrait and I of course said yes! His images of me, and many others, are currently up at Galerie Lucie Bernaise. I didn't get a chance to go the last time I was in Paris, because we were getting our bathroom redone and you really have to stick around and make sure that they do the tiling right, but I have a really good feeling about it, so you should totally go. **10 Must-See TED Talks to Expand Your Horizons Without Ever Leaving Your Sensory Deprivation Chamber** ©Depositphotos TED Talks are to our modern world what epic poems were to medieval people—a way to not only become informed about the world, but also solve our greatest problems. I always look to TED Talks for guidance about work, love, spirituality, and ways to use the word "innovate" to describe paying strangers to do chores for me—and they never let me down. And I find them especially useful during my daily dip into my sensory deprivation chamber—I know that when you're floating around in there, you're supposed to let your mind go completely blank as you reconnect to the primal nexus of humanity, but sometimes I'd really just rather watch something on my phone. **1** **How Mops Work** BY CHARLOTTE BAZINGRA If, like me, you've heard a lot about mops but were just never clear on the mechanics, this illuminating 40-minute talk will clear it all up. **2** **Is Gluten the Cause of Global Warming?** BY BRYN TALCUMM This brave talk speaks the truth that the corporate-control

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led media is too scared to print. **3** **Can You Help Your Sweaters Have Higher Self-Esteem?** BY CHAZZ CAFTANG Absolutely essential viewing, even for people who don't own any sweaters! **4** **You've Been Showering Wrong This Whole Time** BY TINA JAGOV Discovering that you've been doing something so wrong your entire life is terrifying, but it will also set you free. **5** **How I Learned to Accept My Flaws** BY GISELLE FLURGHEIMER Supermodel Flurgheimer's struggle to accept herself (and the shocking revelation of her webbed toes) will connect with anyone who has ever felt imperfect. **6** **Slow Breathing** BY MILCH FUGLER If you've had your life changed by slow food, slow architecture, slow fashion, and slow travel, this thrilling new slow movement will blow your mind. **7** **Am I Barry Manilow?** BY LARISSA CAPOEIRA Evolutionary hypnotherapist Capoeira fuses interactive technology, modern dance, and confessional slam poetry to explore the question we each carry inside ourselves: Am I truly myself? Or am I actually Barry Manilow, and just don't know it? **8** **I Broke My Jaw** BY JAY LEPIESSEN Thought leader Lepiessen breaks the fourth, fifth, and sixth wall as well as his own jaw in this mind-bending talk, where he severely damages his entire mouth while graphically choking on a stale lozenge. **9** **Taboo Was the Best Member of the Black Eyed Peas** BY DANICE PRESSUPOSE After watching this multimedia presentation, you'll never look at Fergie the same way! **10** **You Are Human Garbage and You Need Me to Lead You** BY GLENDOLYN POULTRY This engaging talk peels away the layers of artifice in society and gets to an essential yet hard-to-admit truth: you are a trash person who was raised in a toilet bowl, and without my guidance, you will surely perish. To be adapted into a book for release in fall 2018! ©Depositphotos **How Will Glop Change Your Life?** As I said earlier, Glop is a website, a business, a state of mind, a philosophy, and a really solid tax shelter. But it's also a tool. Like the Bible, _The Da Vinci Code_ , or _Skinny Bitch_ , Glop can only serve up the essential spiritual truths—it's your job to decide whether you'll liquefy them in your blender and actually consume them. Will you discard the things you learned in this book, like last year's Lexus? Tossing off excuses about how they were too "real" or you "didn't have time" or they "didn't make any sense, even when I read the same paragraph several times"? Or will you be brave and put them into action, transforming your life and maybe even becoming a celebrity lifestyle guru in the process? Ha ha, just kidding about the last bit (it's part of a celebrity lifestyle guru's job to have an excellent sense of humor). But with the tips in this book, you _can_ transform yourself and your life. I hope you take what you've learned within these pages and become a healthier you, a happier you—or at the very least, a more digestively regular you. I hope you'll remember the times we shared in these pages, helping you look deep inside your own soul. And I hope you'll remember that lending this book to a friend is basically the same as stealing, and may be prosecuted as such (pending the success of my Senate bid). But more than anything, I hope you'll always cherish your memories of what it was like spending all this time with me—your favorite person. Most of my love, G **Acknowledgments** No one writes a book without any

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help from others—trust me, I really tried. However, in the end, I found that I still must thank: Sean Newcott, Carrie Thornton, Emily Homonoff, and everyone else at Dey Street Books, for understanding that the world was finally ready for my wise, earthy musings about colon hydration; Alison Lew and Lisa Story for making sure that my book was pleasing to the eye _and_ did not contain any embarrassing misspellings of the word "ashram"; and Bianca Consunji, for managing to capture both of my good sides in my author photo. I owe much gratitude to Team Glop—Anna Parsons, Arielle Dachille, Benjamin Hart, Emma Lord, Erin Mayer, Mary Grace Garis, Kathryn Kattalia, and Simone Meltesen—who make sure that I wake up each morning to a flawlessly prepared acai bowl. I have never met any of them in person, but am certainly open to doing so in the future, under the right circumstances. I must thank my senior quinoa consultant, Lauren Bans, who was the first person to tell me that I had a duty to commit my moisturizing routines to the historical record. I would also like to extend appreciation to my spiritual advisor/transcendental manicurist, Julie Alvin, who said, "Hey, are you game for steaming your vagina?" Further thanks to Steph Georgopolis, Jia Tolentino, Sarah Mirk, and Margaret Eby for taking early chances on the writing of a young, scrappy, unproven Academy Award–winning actress. I would like to express deep gratitude to my father, Dan Molerio, for not being mad that I am way more famous than him. And Jesse Rifkin: you are the stars to my night sky, the yin to my yang, the Edge to my Bono. I am finally ready to forgive you for what happened at Lenny Kravitz's château—please come home. * * * DESPERATELY NEED EVEN MORE GLOP IN YOUR LIFE? Pick up some of our exclusive e-books: The Glop Guide to Ethically and Sustainably Sourced Oxygen 10 Fun Stem Cell Moisturizing Repair Masques to Make at Home Is Listening When a Police Officer Says, "Ma'am, I Am Not a Valet, and You Have Driven Through the Front Window of a Walmart" Toxic? Restorative Yoga Poses for When Sting Is Mad at You The Glop Astrology Guide to Buying the Right Birkin Bag * * * **About the Author** **GABRIELLE MOSS** lives in New York City, where she once tried to go on a juice fast (she made it through the first five hours, then ate a burrito). Her writing has appeared on _Slate_ , _GQ.com_ , _The Hairpin_ , _Bitch_ , _the Toast_ , _Bustle_ , and many other fine websites. Follow her on Twitter @gaby_moss. Discover great authors, exclusive offers, and more at hc.com. Credits Cover design by Lex Maudlin Cover photograph © Bill Diodato / Getty Images Cover images: © Shutterstock (details) Copyright GLOP. Copyright © 2016 by Gabrielle Moss. All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the nonexclusive, nontransferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse-engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books. FIRST EDITION ISBN 978-0-06-265799-2 EPub Edition December 2016 ISBN 9780062658005 16 17 18 19 20

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On hot, summer days, the last place you would want to be is up on a roof – especially without footwear on. But scientists at Masdar Institute have developed a paint that cools so much you can remove your shoes and walk around on any surface covered with it. They are hoping the cool paint will be used throughout Abu Dhabi and the UAE, believing it could significantly reduce the environmental cost of running air-conditioning units. Its developers, Watergy International Group, claim the paint could reduce a building's surface temperature by 20 per cent. This in turn would reduce the cooling load of the building as a whole, energy consumption and carbon dioxide production. The technology was tested on a 197-square-metre area of the roof at the Masdar field station, where Watergy workers painted a third of the area with gray cool paint, which matched the original colour of the concrete, a third was painted white, while the remainder of open roof area was left uncoated. Stepping on to the cool painted area, everyone took their shoes off under the glaring sun and started strolling around the cool roof. The difference between the painted and non-painted areas was immediately noticeable. Peter Armstrong, associate professor of mechanical engineering at Masdar Institute, said that the white paint is the coolest, but based on architectural requests, the paint could be provided in other colours, such as grey and black. "It is best to have white on the roof because no one can see it up there," he said. Measuring the temperature on the unpainted area at 9.30am on a toasty Abu Dhabi morning, the reading was 46.6°C. Moving to the coated area it was 24.9°C. Prof Armstrong believes it is not only buildings that could benefit. He suggested painting the streets with it as "the cooling load of the AC in the car will be less". He explained that when a car's air conditioning is turned up, while the car might be nice and chilled, you are adding to the heat of the street and the surrounding environment. The secret to the cooling is titanium dioxide, a chemical used in sunscreens because of its excellent reflective qualities. Prof Armstrong says the paint would have more dramatic effects on buildings with poor insulation. "A typical villa with concrete or block walls with no insulation benefits the most from this paint – which is the case in most of Abu Dhabi," he said. Another useful way to take advantage of the paint is to apply it to AC units on roofs of buildings. Industrial areas and warehouses could also benefit greatly. Cool paint costs as much as any good-quality paint, "so it is not so expensive, yet worth the other savings", Mr Zori said. The paint has already been tested on a hangar roof in Sharjah and a supermarket in Milan, Italy with positive results. Meanwhile, Watergy has signed a memorandum of understanding with Masdar worth Dh10 million to test the paint in two 50,000-square-metre areas of Abu Dhabi. Prof Armstrong is keen to get started painting straight away. Aldar Properties [Abu Ahbi's largest] is to introduce strict resale restrictions on its latest launches in an attempt to curb speculation. The Abu Dhabi developer… plans to prevent buyers from selling units until they have paid 50 per cent of the purchase price…. Speculation on off-plan property sales was one of the elements blamed for fuelling the UAE property bubble that burst dramatically in 2008. As property prices rocketed, speculators turned to "flipping" off-plan homes by putting down small deposits on them and then selling the contract on for a quick profit, inflating prices even further. The practice has prompted companies such as Emaar to attempt to curb speculation by saying it would refuse to transfer the names on purchase agreements until buyers had paid up to 40 per cent of the value of the home. Nonetheless brokers say that speculators have been getting around the new restrictions by drawing up their own agreements to sell, regardless of the required contractual milestones. Properties sold by Emaar under similar rules have appeared for sale on property website Dubizzle just hours after they were purchased off-plan, often at much higher prices. They also warn that relaxed payment plans for off-plan

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In fact, if there were a land called Procrastinationia, I'd totally be the queen of that place. Instead of ordering executions and demanding tax increases, It'd be decreed that scheduling events would be punishable by death or giving me a pedicure, criminal's choice. The truth is, I need a deadline. When left to my own devices, it can take me ages to get around to something I need to do. Those of you who won critique from my contest know this is true. I'm also terribly forgetful. If I've slept since I agreed to something, I need to be reminded. Sleep erases my short term memory, therefore the premise of 50 First Dates was totally believable to me. If anyone was expecting a point to this post, I don't have one. I was just sharing some random thoughts. I wrote a blog post a couple days ago, but blogger ate it and I got mad, cursed at it, then walked away. Now I forgot what I blogged about, so you get this randomness instead. Clearly, it wasn't earth shattering information or worth remembering, so you're probably better off. Speaking of earth shattering, do you ever feel pressure to hurry up and get published before the world ends in 2012? I mostly don't believe it, but part of my psyche has latched onto it and knows the world with blow up one day BEFORE my release date. Let me apologize in advance to mankind for making the world end. I'm sure I have the power to control the cosmos. It's in that other 90% of my brain that I don't use often. Lesser Evils - pretty much abandoned at this point. I'll revisit it if I ever get an agent. Postmortal - 26 rejections, 23 awaiting response, and at least 5 of those are going to be no response = no. 16 of those were sent in recent history, so I haven't given up on them yet. Partial requests: 5, rejected: 4. Full MS requested: 2, rejected: 1. 'cuz i think i could rock the mask and robe... and we'd just never get around to the killing, but if we did i could sneak the toe- phobic condemned away with my clever distraction tactics.. I really like the new look to your blog. Colorful without being too bright. I am the last dinosaur : I think my black cast looks elegant. But I also think there are deep philosophical insights in XENA, too. LOL. Procrastination was an enemy for most of the great writers. It is a part of being human to drag our feet in approaching a task that is so consuming. Oops. I meant to reply to your 2012 comment about needing to be published before the End comes. I have resigned myself to the fact that I will never be published. It is akin to some in a battle accepting that they are going to be killed. It shifts the focus from staying alive to fighting well. I write because I must. I strive to become better for the satisfaction of spinning a more effective, more evocative tale. If I never get published, I at least grew as a craftsman and as a creative spirit. And I met a lot of great blogging friends. Not too shabby a fate. Aw crap. I hadn't thought about that whole "world coming to an end in 2012" thing. Can I live in your land of Procrastinationia? I can be your minstrel sitting beside your throne. I feel you here. Deadlines are a necessity. Also, that 2012 thing has crossed my mind a bit too frequently to be healthy. I think I'd like to be the court jester, otherwise known as the "Fool". How much fun would we have. And as for the world blowing up in 2012, nah, that's just another story. Can I be a Countess? In school, I was the late-Sunday-nighter. I'm pretty much the same now. You could come look at my house sometimes and become a believer. I work much better under a deadline. Well, I work much better at the last possible minute of a deadline. I have faith that your book will be published and we'll be reading it after the New

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The question is easy: what is the LOA of your boat? I am asking this because someone in an other forum seriously insists that 80 foot is not too much for a couple for circumnavigation. Mine is only 27 feet loa. Despite the dimunitive length, a boat of the same class has crossed the Atlantic 3 times in each direction and another has sailed to Australia from Sweden. Many others have distinguished themselves in long and tough voyages. Of course, 40 years ago this was more or less the normal size of most cruising yachts. It is not only the average person who has increased in size during that time. The question of size is an important one. I think it to be just as wrong to go to big as it is to go too small. The boat should fit the crew and vice versa. In other words, 80 feet loa may be too big for just two people to handle just as no one would want to be on my boat with 5 or 6 people aboard. I tend to sail alone or with only my 11 year-old son so I would have difficulties if my boat was much bigger. Today the size of the boat is defined by the demands of the owner. But today's demands and expectations are indeed different: We want refrigeration, maybe air conditioning, full worldwide communication, flatscreen TV, hifi music entertainment - erything like at home. We want seperate state rooms, guest rooms, seperate baths and showers and all conveniences concerning the gear. And spacious interiours, like at home. And why should we sit downstairs when a deck-saloon could provide a perfect panorama view over the anchorage?Â* It has to do with living on board as a life style. In former times it was sailing as a life style by giving up many anemities. At the end it is a matter of own demands and expectations: Living aboard can be done on on 16ft (Shrimpy) or on 26ft, or - more convenient - on 27ft with standing headroom, as Stephen pointed out, or on 32ft as we did it for more then 2 years. There is always a reason of a couple more feet in length. Oh, not to forget, that the handling got easier over the years! Roller furling on main and headsail makes the handling so much easier, even on bigger boats. Bigger engines, bow thrusters. All that makes it very easy to move 60ft yachts with two persons - just pushing buttons. Â*Just saw an ad of the new 20m long AMEL-Ketch. Wondeful, big, easy handling for two persons! The size and weight of sails that need to be moved do no longer restrict the size of the rigging. So, why should one settle with a small, slow sailing boat to live on if the marked and the own financial situation offers better solutions? And this does not only apply to liveaboard yachts. It is a general developement in yachting. There is no absolute minimum size when talking about living aboard. I have an Ingrid 38 and most would say that it would have a LOA of 38'. Then some might say LOD (Length On Deck). Or the marina manager wouldn't except anything less than Tip of BowSprit to (in my case) aft edge of rudder. So I pay moorage rent on about 45'. Yacht design spec.s general refer to the LOA between a vertical line at the stem and stern (not including the outboard rudder). This LOA is useful in several calculation having to do with the boats performance and handy-cap, etc. One important spec to cruisers and racers, is LWL or water line length and this is important to the boats Hull Speed. It won't matter how much sail you carry or how strong the wind, Hull Speed it a constant (limiting) factor. Once your boat reaches hull speed, performance drops off, the quarter wave move so far aft that the hull "squat" in the trough and can't climb out. My point here is that LWL is important but if the boat size and equipment are too heavy for one person to handle then even a crew of two (couple) can't handle it for more than a day or two. Type of rigs effect this factor, a split rig means somewhat smaller sail areas and more combination to reduce too. With

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a too small a crew, daily run may be reduced since sail area will be reduce when only one person is on watch, or the crew may choose to reduce sail so the off watch crew member won't have to be called on deck if conditions change. I sail single handed mostly, since I don't want to miss an opportunity to go sailing for want of a crew. However, when I reached my late 60s now early 70s, I find I don't get underway for months (and now years) since I'm not confident I can handle the sails on my Ingrid by myself. I can initially, but reduce and motor/sail when condition are unsure. I also anchor earlier now, to avoid problems in finding an anchorage or marina. Our Moderator (BowPeep), Brenda & David are exceptions in most of the above, since they sail a traditional schooner (they can tell us their Specs). I, myself, love to sail and set sail on a traditional gaff rig but my last experience was back in the early 60s when I had a gaff rigged yawl. I can't say it was a simple or uneventful experience, since I was de-masted off Pt Loma in San Diego. Even after that experience, I still rerigged her with a new main mast, gaff head. Never had a winch until I got my Cheoy Lee (Clipper 33) in the early 90s. First self tailing are on my present Ingrid and now I have 6 big and nice two speed winches. To be honest, I would have to point out, for a couple of retirement age, they should try for a boat with a LOA in the 40 ft range with a split, modern rig. Moderate to heavy displacement for comfort off shore. Then make sure they have plenty of good quality winches and anchor windlass (elect. with manual backup). Working anchors generally go one lb per ft of LOA with a much heavier storm anchor (stored low). You get my idea, I'm sure. My opinion for what it's worth. How long one wishes to go cruising also plays a role in the decision process. One can do anything for a year or two but when thinking about a decade or more of living on a boat, one starts to consider many different things like hobbies and lifestyle issues. It is reasonable to do so--not everyone has the same needs or the same lifestyle. Nor is the use of money--lots of it--in the purchase of a suitable vessel a "sin" but rather a luxury that some people are lucky enough to have. Within reason, having a little bit larger boat can save a cruiser money in the long run simply because of ability to anchor out rather than always visit marinas, carry sufficient provisions (and provision big where items are cheap) and be happy on the boat rather than feeling like one "needs" to go ashore to get away from cramped living conditions. I would happily cruise on a very small boat but we'd have to leave many hobbies behind which, though many are unrelated to yachting, are quite important to us. Thus, we're on a "big boat." Our definition of a boat that was the "right size" was one that could be sailed by two people alone for long periods of time, was less than 7 ft draft, had a pilothouse, charthouse or deck saloon for use with high latitude sailing (second inside steering station), was big enough to take a 17 ft canoe on deck without the canoe interfering with the sailing or the sailing damaging the canoe, was small enough to fit in most marinas (less than 60 ft) and big enough that if we had to anchor for months or years we'd not feel like we were camping out. We didn't fancy huge sails so wanted a split rig. We were agnostic about whether the rig was ketch, schooner, or yawl. Now that we have a schooner, we're glad that we ended up with one. One last, aesthetic issue was that we wanted a pre-WWII boat. Nothing practical about that, we just wanted to cruise and live on a historic vessel as we knew that would make us happy--and it does. However, such an old boat required extensive rebuild in order to make it bluewater capable again. And that was a costly endeavor as well. Having said that--we're 46 ft LWL, 47 ft "

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verticals" (the USCG measurement from stem to rudder post), 53'4" LOA (old meaning) or LOD (new term), and a whopping 69 ft (we thought it was 67' until we actually measured... ) "sparred length" or LOA that the marinas make you pay for. When we ship (hinge up/inboard) the 11 ft bowsprit, we're 58 ft of paying length in the marinas. 29 gross tons displacement and 6'4" draft. Most important numbers--LWL and gross tonnage IMHO. The first will tell us how fast we can go, the latter will tell us how much momentum we might have to deal with stopping at the dock! When we realized that we were going to get into a big boat and that we wanted a pre-WWII classic, we got very picky about the boat design to be handled by just two people. The boat we purchased was originally designed and built in 1931 for a man who specified that it must be able to be sailed and maintained by two people: by a yachtsman and "his man" (meaning his servant). Thus, two people. We know that original owner sailed without a servant but rather with his wife and their four small children. We also know that two other previous owners sailed the boat single handed for decades. Large boat, but rigged right, can be sailed safely alone. We spoke with the fellow who owned this boat in the 1970's and he even did a 1 month long passage from Hawaii to Washington State alone w/o an autopilot and w/o fancy nav equipment, radar, etc. The only calamity was that he broke a toe on the binnacle base and almost broke another on the staysail horse. Things important to our ability to use the boat singlehanded or short crew include sail area and size of each sail. We have 1650 sf sail area (600+ sf Bermuda main, 500+ sf gaff fore, 200+ sf smallest jib, 200+ sf staysail). The mainsail weighs over 100 lbs with its heavy bronze sail cars. There is no way for one person, alone, to bend on that sail. Luckily, one wouldn't have to do so, though. The foresail is almost as large, weighing about 80 lbs and lacing onto its spars. It can easily be bent on by one person alone, though. If I had to climb out onto that bowsprit, I'd never set the jib. We have no furler or roller reefer but will consider getting a wire-luff type furler at some point. Right now, we use a tricing line and downhaul to douse the jib in a hurry. That works, but it takes 2 people to manage sheet, halyard, and tricing line. The sheet and tricing line go back to the cockpit where the helmsman (me) can manage it and the halyard is managed at the foremast on the foredeck. While we do have the luxury of sheet, halyard, and reefing line winches, much of our rigging is just as it was in 1931--and it works amazingly well to sail this boat with just two people. The gaff-rigged foresail is a dream to work with--now that we have proper lazy-jacks/boom lift system that is. It has a 4:1 purchase with the blocks on throat and peak halyards--while that means miles of running rigging it also means that even a wimp like me can raise the sail without problems. The mainsail, on a track, is run up and then requires a halyard winch and a strong arm to set it tight. It is very difficult to reef either main or foresail unless there are two people doing the reefing. Thus, if one person is sailing alone, one would have to drop an entire sail (easier than reefing) rather than reef both. So, some things are a bit "much" for a single (weak) person like me. Others are just fine. Big boat means big chain, big anchor, big everything. It all costs more and it all weighs more. There are many things I have a hard time lifting and many things that we must use a halyard or boom to lift and move around deck. It goes with the territory of big boat to have a

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power windlass and to have to be a little crafty about dealing with all that "big" stuff. We've yet to actually install the autopilot and use it--even though we've sailed (with 3 people) up the coast of California from San Diego to San Francisco and we've been sailing around So. Cal and now SF Bay for oh, a year and 4 months now. That's because this big, heavy boat tracks amazingly well and handles the seas amazingly well. So, while "little" has its many pluses, "big" works out amazingly well, too. We don't have refrigeration and lots of yachty gizmos on this big boat. Many folks would be unhappy with our simple life. Our boat, well, she's just...big...and that works for us. There is a lot to be said for boats in the 40 foot range. When I was shopping about, trying one boat over another, I found that with the right rig and setup I can single hand a 40 footer comfortably. Anything larger than that and I have to have crew. So it's about the largest size boat that can be single handed, while being around the smallest size boat that can be comfortably lived aboard (for one's own personal idea of "comfort" which for me includes a eutectic fridge, freezer, standing head room, and an aft cabin). I am also a big fan of a forward facing nav table, and they are much harder to come by on boats less than 40 foot. I can do without the scuba tanks, camping gear, and the tender (I have an inflatable which does fine) but I do like the ability to get all sails up and down on my own if needs be. Agree about the forward facing nav table. In our case, it resides in the charthouse so I have a view all around while doing my nav work. That view is wonderfully helpful. What makes 40' the size for you regarding rig? Is it a cutter/sloop you're talking about? What is the sf of the main and foresails? I imagine that they're similar to a larger split rig like we have. Manageable sail size is critical to successful short handed sailing for sure. One of the gaff rigged boats we looked at was a mid-50 ft ketch with almost equal height foremast and mainmast and similarly sized sails. Each sail was 650 sf. The owners were a retired couple in their 70's and they were selling the boat because the wife (a very petite woman, I might add...) could no longer raise the sails by herself--thus they felt it was not safe for them to cruise on the boat. Being a classic old boat, they didn't want to ruin the traditional rig by changing it to Bermuda or adding winches (the boat had no winches but rather it relied on blocks as our foresail does). I'd find it very useful to learn what size sails people are finding "too big" or just right. We don't have huge headsails while many sloops and cutters do. I'd be overwhelmed by such large headsails as many cruisers fly on much smaller vessels. Having extended my 42ft catamaran to 52ft - found that the advantage of beaching, also provided the opportunity of giving the hulls a good wipe down BUT 52 x 2 = 104 ft of port and starboard. Seldom enough time to finish the job before the tide turned. I was lucky enough to be able to go cruising for 7 years in my 40s and had a 38 foot steel ketch. which was ample for two. Now I am retired on my forever boat and will spend my days gunkholing around the Caribbean. She is a 44 foot cutter, a cruising boat built into an old IOR hull. . I can singlehand her and she is MUCH faster than my old tin boat and has the BIGGEST shower I have ever seen on a boat. Think Travis Magee and the Busted Flush. I have an electric anchor winch the only major upgrade I made and I regard this as essential. If I do not like my anchor spot it is no big deal to recover and anchor again, even in 60 feet with 200 feet of chain out. Many think a big boat equalls lots of room... true! HOWE

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PLEASE USE AS LEDE Jack Ingram, Mack Brown and Matthew McConaughey on the links during Mack, Jack & McConaughey in 2013. Top 5 first-year Texas coaching records Posted November 28th, 2016 Joe Harrington American-Statesman Staff [email protected] Tom Herman is the new coach of the Texas Longhorns. In his introductory press conference, Herman talked about how pressure and not being prepared are connected. It's a good line for a new coach at a new school. But how well did other first-year coaches handle the pressure at Texas in year one? Here are the five best records from a coach in his first year at Texas: 5. David McWilliams, 1987 Former Texas head coach David McWilliams chats with reporters at Memorial Stadium in 1987. Texas went 7-5 in McWilliams' first season. That's more wins than Darrell Royal's 6-4-1 record in 1957 (more losses too). Things were a little bleak when McWilliams lost to No. 5 Auburn 31-3 in his first game at Texas then fell 22-17 to unranked BYU at home. His first win came against Oregon State 61-16 and, despite losing to Oklahoma and Texas A&M, McWilliams did beat No. 15-ranked Arkansas and won the Bluebonnet Bowl, 32-27, over Pittsburgh to wrap the season up. He went 5-2 in the Southwest Conference, finishing tied for second. 4. Ed Price, 1951 Texas went 7-3 in Price's first year. The Longhorns went 3-3 in the SWC. How about this: Price's first game at Texas was against a No. 6-ranked Kentucky team coached by some dude named Bear Bryant. Yes, that Bear Bryant. Texas beat Kentucky 7-6 at home. Price then beat No. 11-ranked Oklahoma 9-7 and No. 13-ranked TCU 32-21. The low points came in losses to Texas A&M and Baylor. This was back in an era where only a few teams made bowl games, so Texas did not head to a bowl. 3. Mack Brown, 1998 Brown arrived at Texas following a successful run at his alma mater, North Carolina. He inherited a running back named Ricky Williams, an offensive lineman named Leonard Davis, a defensive lineman named Casey Hampton and a defensive back named Quentin Jammer (seriously coach John Mackovic, you went 4-7 in 1997?). Brown used that talent and a freshman quarterback named Major Applewhite to go 9-3 in his first year. Williams won the Heisman Trophy after Brown was able to convince him to return to campus. He also became the all-time leading rusher in NCAA history. Texas beat Texas A&M, Oklahoma and Nebraska that season. Texas finished second in the Big 12 South at 6-2. Brown was 1-2 after three weeks, but finished 8-1 and wrapped it up with a 38-11 Cotton Bowl win. And oh yeah, Tom Herman was a graduate assistant if you haven't seen the parade picture: University of Texas Heisman Trophy winning running back Ricky Williams is saluted by the thousands as they lined Congress Ave. during a parade celebrating Williams and the UT football team's winning season Thursday afternoon January 29, 1999. Here Williams waves to fans in the highrises as he is flanked by Graduate Assistant football coaches Tom Herman, left, and Oscar Giles, right. (M.Kelly story) 2. Blair Cherry, 1947 Taking over for Dana X. Bible, Cherry had one of the greatest quarterbacks in Texas history, Hall of Famer Bobby Layne, under center. Texas went 10-1, the lone loss coming to SMU 14-13, and beat Texas A&M 32-12, Oklahoma 34-14, Arkansas 21-6, Texas Tech 33-0 and Baylor 28-7. Texas pitched four

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VIATORIS is the flagship of Conrad Shipyard based in Gdansk, Poland.Her exterior design is by Reymond Langton & naval architecture by Diana Yacht Design - the same team behind the 2013 40m Hakvoort APOSTROPHE.Full displacement steel hull, aluminum superstructure, built according to and under survey of Lloyd's Register and in compliance with MCA LY3 for vessels of less than 500GT. United Yacht Sales New Jersey would love to guide you through a personal showing of this 131' Conrad 2018. This yacht for sale is located in Croatia and priced at $21,160,656. For a showing please contact us by filling out the form on this page and we will get back to you shortly! VIATORIS which was launched in Spring 2018 and is the flagship of Conrad Shipyard based in Gdansk, Poland.Her exterior design is by Reymond Langton & naval architecture by Diana Yacht Design - the same team behind the 2013 40m Hakvoort APOSTROPHE.The brief behind VIATORIS by her experienced owner was to create an elegant yet comfortable interior and extremelylivableexterior spaces and I feel that was accomplished.VIATORIS is a full displacement steel hull, aluminum superstructure yacht built according to and under survey of Lloyd's Register and in compliance with MCA LY3 for vessels of less than 500GT. 1.3. CLASS, REGULATIONS, SURVEYC133/VIATORIS including her construction, machinery and essential equipment was built accordingto and under survey of LLOYD'S REGISTER with class notation 100A1 SSC Yacht Mono G6, LMC and in compliance with MCA LY3 for vessels of less than 500GT.1.4. COMPLEMENTThe Yacht was designed and outfitted to accommodate the following complement:Cabin Area No. of berths CapacityOwner Main deck 1 x double berth 2Guest 1 Cabin deck 1 x double berth 2Guest 2 Cabin deck 1 x double berth 2Guest 3 Cabin deck 1 x double berth 2Guest 4 Cabin deck 1 x double berth 2Crew 1 Cabin deck 2 x single berth 2Crew 2 Cabin deck 2 x single berth 2Captain Bridge deck 2 x single berth 2Total Owner and guest 10Total crew 6Total complement 162.1. GENERAL REMARKSSteel and aluminium alloy used for construction of CONRAD 133 are of the highest quality materials from EU located mills, always provided with quality certificates. Hull and superstructure construction built by qualified workers and under supervision of LLOYD'S REGISTER. Hull and superstructure construction sandblasted from outside and inside in areas where the paint will be applied. INTERNATIONAL/AWLGRIP paint system applied according to instructions of paint manufacturer.2.2. HULL LINESThe hull is full displacement round bilge hull, with integrated swim platform, straight keel and bulbous bow, optimized for best performance.2.3. HULL & WEATHER DECK CONSTRUCTIONHull and weather deck welded throughout steel construction. Unless specified otherwise, grade A shipbuilding steel used in hull construction and designated areas of superstructure. Reference shall be made to relevant regulations of Classification Society for manufacturing and testing of the steel. Plates and sections sandblasted and protected with the primer. Prefabricated steel sections sandblasted to SA2.5. Engine room situated under salon separated with watertight bulkheads. Hull equipped with integral fuel, fresh water, sewage and oil tanks as per contract GA plan and associated drawings. Tank interior construction executed in such a way that any liquids will run freely to the deepest point. Tanks equipped with manholes and proper connections. The hull divided into watertight compartments according to governing regulations. Two units of sliding watertight doors fitted on cabin deck between the subdivision compartments of the yacht, according to governing regulations. Sliding doors are

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elegantly concealed in surrounding decorative interior furniture.2.4. FIXED BALLASTBuilder will be allowed to install lead ballast to trim the vessel. Such ballast will be properly installed in the hull at location agreed upon with Naval Architect.2.5. SUPERSTRUCTURESuperstructure construction above the steel deck fabricated of 5083 H111 aluminium alloy and applicable extruded profiles of 6082 T6 aluminium alloy. Connection with steel hull structure with use of bimetallic explosion bond strip, TRICLAD or equivalent.3. MAIN ENGINES & PROPULSIONC133/VIATORIS is powered by two diesel main engines CATERPILLAR C18 ACERT B-rated 500kW@2100 rpm, equipped with ZF W650 gearboxes, working in twin propeller installation. Two oil and water lubricated propeller shaft installations, make RUBBER DESIGN, with 5-blade 1300mm fixed pitch type propellers, make VAN VOORDEN.4.1. RUDDER MACHINEJASTRAM hydraulic steering system, 35 degrees rudder angle in both directions; one independent hydraulic power unit located in aft tech space; one steering pump for manual servo hydraulic and one for manual emergency steering.4.2. THRUSTERSThe vessel has been equipped with bow and stern tunnel thrusters, make VERHAAR OMEGA. Each thruster provided with 4-blade propellers and rated at 55kW, operated by squirrel cage electric motor 400V/3ph/50Hz. Such arrangement provides very good manoeuvrability even under less favourable weather conditions. Thrusters controls installed in the wheelhouse and on both wing stations.5. AIR-CONDITIONING, HEATING & VENTILATIONAll living accommodations are air-conditioned, supplied from the central WEBASTO chiller of capacity of 448.000 BTU installed in the engine room. System includes mechanical ventilation system with fresh air make-up where fresh air is pre-cooled or pre-heated before supply to accommodations. Heating function performed by AC fan coil units that supplied with hot water from in-line electric heaters.Air-conditioning was designed to meet following design conditions:Summer outside air: 35·C orSummer inside air: 22·C andWinter outside air: 0·C Winter inside air: 22·C andSummer sea water temperature: 32·C Winter sea water temperature: 0·C 6.1 FRESH WATER SYSTEMPressurized fresh water system, two water pressure pumps and circulation pumps, supplying cold and hot water to all fresh water consumers. Cold fresh water supplied to water heaters, toilets and bidets flushing, fuel separator (by means of faucet in ER), windscreen wipers, watermakers flushing system, deck washing and domestic equipment. Access for routine maintenance provided to all main components of the system. Two electrical water heaters, each of capacity of 200 litres, provide hot water supply. Two SEA RECOVERY AQUAMATIC 1400-2 watermakers installed, each of capacity of 1.400 gallons (5.300 liters) per day. Fresh water produced by watermakers transferred directly to one of two integrated fresh water tanks. Watermakers supplied from dedicated raw water intake. Fresh water installations: GEORG FISCHER system.6.2 RAW WATER INSTALLATIONRaw water installation fed from two central intakes located in the engine room, equipped with sea valves and strainers, connected by means of manifold. Main raw water consumers are: main engines, generators, air-conditioning system, sewage treatment system, and ER heat exchangers. Raw water pipelines made of galvanised steel or CuNiFe depending on salinity, fittings made of stainless steel, steel or cast iron.6.3 SEWAGE SYSTEMSewage system consists of three integrated sewage tanks and one sludge tank. All sewage is discharged to sewage tanks, from

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which it is transferred to sewage treatment plant make: HAMANN HL-Cont PLUS 02 Slim. Grey water from galley sinks led via local grease separators. Electric toilets in each bathroom. Sewage installations made of PVC-U, make GEORG FISCHER or equal.6.4 BILGE & FIRE FIGHTING SYSTEMBilge and firefighting system, serving all watertight compartments of the vessel, with capacity meeting Class Regulations, installed in accordance with good shipbuilding practice. System operated by three pumps: electric bilge pump, electric firefighting pump, and Diesel emergency pump. Main bilge pump and pump servicing main firefighting line interchangeable through the use of valves. Anchors flushing carried by use of firefighting line. Chain lockers drained directly overboard. Bilge and firefighting pipelines built of galvanised and stainless steel.6.5 COMPRESSED AIR SYSTEMCentral compressed air system with a service pressure of 8 bar supplies vessel horn and transom gate inflatable gasket. Additionally, there are provided connections of pneumatic tools in the engine room, garage and forepeak. System supplied from compressor installed in aft tech space, make: GIANNESCHI. Optional independent diving air compressor installed in aft peak, make: BAUER JUNIOR-II.6.6 FUEL SYSTEMFuel system, supplying main engines and generators, arranged and installed in accordance with good marine practice and Class Regulations. In general, there are seven integrated fuel tanks and one day tank installed; fuel transfer shall be by means of fuel transport pump (or emergency hand pump), through fuel manifold. Fuel will be serviced by ALFA LAVAL fuel separator and transported to day tank, from which it will be transferred by local fuel pumps to Diesel consumers. System shall be equipped with remote cut-off valves installed on day tank. Two bunker stations, one on each side. System pipelines made of steel.6.7 LUBRICATING OIL SYSTEMPressurized oil fill and discharge system. Lubricating oil consumers onboard are main engines, gearboxes and generator - all consumers use the same type of lubricating oil. Lubricating oil distributed by means of electric transport pump (or emergency hand pump) to oil line with quick release connection. Used lubricating oil will be transferred through quick release connections from consumers and transported to waste oil tank by means of oil pump. Using valves, waste oil pump shall operate also as waste oil tank discharge pump.6.8 EXHAUST SYSTEMTwo dry/wet exhaust lines for main engines including dry silencers, by-pass above waterline and water mixers, make TIO BV. Dry silencers installed on a dedicated frame connected to the engine room bottom structure. Two dry/wet exhaust lines for generators, including dry silencers, water mixers and separators, make HALYARD.6.9 HYDRAULIC SYSTEMOne dedicated hydraulic unit, make FEEBE, installed in aft tech space to supply following hydraulic consumers:- gangway- transom gate- folding bulwarks- folding balconies- steering gear, make JASTRAM, equipped with independent hydraulic power pack powered by 400 VAC driven hydraulic pump and manual hydraulic steering in aft peak for emergency manoeuvring- deck crane, make BESENZONI, equipped with independent power pack7.1 MAIN DECKBetween port and starboard stairs to the bathing platform, integrated bench seat with a fixed dining table are built as an integral part of the hull in main deck stern area. One sink on port side, under mounted into counter top. Access to main deck saloon through sliding door installed aft, make: OPACMARE 2T11 or equal. Custom built glazed stainless manual doors in saloon on both sides installed to reveal the descending bulwarks. Owner's stateroom features custom built manual stainless doors with adjoining folding parts of bulwark on both sides forming small side balconies.7.2 BRIDGE DECKOn aft bridge deck under the roof and against bulwark on PS there is L

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-shaped service bar built in aluminium with composite countertop and barstools. Integrated seating built as an integral part of the superstructure in bridge deck aft area on SB. Access to bridge deck skylounge through sliding door installed aft, make: OPACMARE 2135.05. Integrated bench seat with fixed tables constructed in front of wheelhouse as an integral part of superstructure. Raised sunbathing pads in port and starboard forward of the wheelhouse, with a walkway in between leading to bow area. Hydraulic tender crane, make: BESENZONI G.711, installed in bow area.7.3 SUN DECKAntenna mast construction with an arch installed on sun deck serving as antenna support structure, with integrated provisions for vent pipes, cable ducts, inspection hatches, etc. Underneath the arch separated glass-enclosed areas with fitness centre equipped with training wall and running mill on port side and glass-walled cozy sauna, custom built on starboard side. In front of the arch C-shaped integrated sofas with fixed coffee tables constructed on both sides. Forward of the sofas steps leading to built-in hydrospa, make: TEUCO.8. INTERIORCustom designed and custom made interiors of highest quality, configured to accommodate 10guests in 5 cabins, comprising Owner's cabin and 4 double guest cabins. Classic warm interiors are finished with various kinds and colours of wood including Rosewood, Makassar ebony, Mahogany and Oak. Sumptuously furnished lower deck provides four double guest cabins offering multiple layout options – separate double bed cabins, twin cabins or VIP cabins with suite. Main deck embraces luxurious open plan saloon comprising dining area and comfortable relax zone, where glazed doors and folding bulwarks on both sides create space nicely open to ocean breeze. Comprehensive galley and pantry are richly equipped with GAGGENAU household appliances. Automatic dumbwaiter connecting pantry and skylounge completes practical comforts of this high- end interior. Finished with Oak and Rosewood Owner's area in bow part includes small office, walk- in wardrobe, spacious bathroom with separate entrance for him and her, as well as nicely sized full beam cabin with stainless glazed doors and folding balconies on each side. Kept in darker colours scheme and richly finished with Rosewood, Mahogany and stained Oak, situated on bridge deck skylounge offers truly welcoming ambience and entertainment facilities. Aft sliding door opens wide creating one space with outside deck.Bow part of lower deck contains entirely independent crew quarters – two double cabins and crewmess, while the captain's cabin has been located on bridge deck, adjacent to the wheelhouse connected with crew area by means of separate crew lobby.9. ELECTRIC SYSTEMElectric system is three-phase 230V/400V 50Hz system supplied from two 400VAC 50Hz CATERPILLAR C4.4 99kW generators with automatic parallel system and 90kVA shore power converter, make ASEA. Electrical consumers are based on 230/400VAC power supply from generators and shore power, 24VDC from battery banks, and 12VDC for individual consumers by means of dedicated transformers. Whole electrical equipment, wiring and complete installation is in accordance with good marine practice and governing regulations.10.1 NAVIGATION & COMMUNICATIONComplete package of navigation and communication electronics based on FURUNO and SIMRAD equipment, meeting requirements of IMO, Flag and MCA LY3 for navigation Area 3, has beeninstalled on the bridge, captain's cabin and in crew mess. INTELLIAN TV and VSAT dome antennas installed on the mast.10.2 ENTERTAINMENTCONRAD 133 will be equipped with entertainment electronics in accordance with interior and exterior GA. Entertainment system will be based on Owner's preferences according to AddendumA Allowances.11.1 ANCHORING EQUIPMENTTwo high holding type stainless MANSON anchors, each with a weight of 300kg and two galvanized stud link 17,5mm anchor chains

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1,332,132

3,072

C4

1

6

, operated by electric windlasses installed in bow area, make MAXWELL VWC8000. Anchors stored in stainless steel anchor pockets on both sides.11.2 MOORING EQUIPMENTVessel equipped with custom built stainless steel tubular bollards and stainless fairleads. Two electric mooring capstans aft, make MAXWELL VC6000, installed aft. Ropes on the bow operated with mooring capstans installed on windlasses.11.3 WINDOWSVessel equipped with highest quality glazing delivered and installed by TILSE, including nicely shaped windshield supporting stainless handrail on sun deck. Glass thickness calculated according to requirements of the Class. All windows of non-opening type, glued to frames according to Builder standards, approved by the Class.11.4 RAILINGS & BULWARKSClosed sections of bulwark around the deck shall be welded watertight. On top of the bulwark sockets for hand railings should be welded. Stainless steel railings made of elliptical and round pipes, equipped with PMMA or tempered glass panels on bridge deck aft and sun deck. Salon area bulwarks on both sides and Owner cabin on both sides to be equipped with folding bulwark parts.11.5 TEAK DECKMain deck, bridge deck and sun deck covered with 15mm teak planks, 12mm planks installed bathing platform and balconies. 20mm teak planks installed in bow part. Teak planks glued and sealed with SIKAFLEX system.11.6 STERN AREACustom FEEBE electric gantry crane with SWL of 1400kg installed in the garage for operation of thetender (1000kg, Owner's delivery). One fully retractable hydraulic FEEBE gangway. Stern area equipped with a hydraulically operated garage door forming swimming platform when opened.11.7 WINDSCREEN WIPERSFront windows in the wheelhouse equipped with five electric wipers with spray nozzles, controlled from the wheelhouse. Male: EXALTO.12. INSULATIONInsulation system as required to meet noise, vibration and thermal requirements according to good marine practice, Class and the Contract Specifications. Anti-drumming system in garage and engine room, thermal and acoustic insulation throughout the yacht. Structural fire protection provided in accordance with Classification Society and Flag Administration requirements. Fire- insulating properties govern the choice of material where more than one type of insulation is required,.12.1 SIDES AND ACCOMMODATIONSThermal insulation provided throughout the hull and superstructure, in all living spaces, service spaces and working spaces, etc. Thermal insulation of hull, weather deck and superstructure based on mineral wool panels with proper density and thickness, approx. 80mm for hull and weather deck, reduced for superstructure. Aluminium foil film applied on the final layer of mineral wool in all areas. Acoustic insulation designed and applied to prevent transmission of structural and airborne noise. Acoustic insulation based on acoustic panels, mineral wool and other materials fitted to achieve noise requirements. Acoustic insulation applied to the surface of bulkheads and decks which separate noise sources from accommodation spaces and also between accommodation spaces when they are divided by a bulkhead or deck.12.2 ENGINE ROOMEngine room insulation carried out with particular care and, wherever possible, before the installation of any auxiliary equipment such as pumps, cabling, piping and other equipment. Lower edges of insulation properly sealed to prevent water ingress. Shell plating and frames, bulkheads and stiffeners insulated according to good practice as per insulation system manufacturer and Class requirements and covered with aluminium panels for better comfort and aesthetics.13. PAINT SYSTEM13.1 Hull above waterline: AWLGRIP Blue Steel Pearl13.2 Hull below waterline: INTERNATIONAL13.3 Main deck (surface under teak planks): INTERNATIONAL13.4 Superstructure: AWLGRIP Insignia White/Panther Black Pearl13.5 Fresh water tanks: INTERN

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1,332,132

4,096

C4

12

5

ATIONAL13.6 Sewage tanks: INTERNATIONAL13.7 Hull inside painted with INTERNATIONAL system14. SAFETYVessel is equipped with complete safety package, in accordance with MCA LY3 requirements. All equipment easy accessible. Four life rafts, make: ZODIAC SOLAS A-pack, installed in bulwark lockers on sun deck, two on each side. The yacht is equipped with the tender stowed on the bow and launched by dedicated hydraulic crane. While underway, the rescue tender shall be stowed on a dedicated cradle on the aft sundeck and launched by means of a davit.Optional Ultra Fog extinguishing system for accommodations available upon request. Medical kits, medicines, resuscitation equipment, etc. is considered to be Owner's Supply.15. EQUIPMENT SPECIFICATIONHULL Hull Grade A steel construction, according to plans approved by the Class. Welding work X-rayed according to class requirements.Superstructure Aluminium construction, according to plans approved by the class society. Welding work X-rayed according to class requirementBallast Fixed ballast leadMAIN SYSTEMS Main Engine2 CAT C18 ACERT B-rated @ 500kWGearbox 2 ZF W650 ratio 5.138:1Generator 2 CAT C4.4 99ekW, sound shieldsShaft line 2 RUBBER DESIGN, oil lubricatedPropeller 2 VAN VOORDEN 5-bladeSteering gear 1 JastramExhaust system: main engines 2TIO dry/wetExhaust system: generators 2 Halyard dry/wetStabilizers 2 CMC Stabilis Electra 120Thrusters 2 VERHAAR OMEGA 55kW ElectricWaste treatment system 1 HAMANN HL-Cont PLUS 02 SlimAir conditioning 1 WEBASTO 448k BTUMechanical ventilation 1 WEBASTOER ventilation 2 GIANNESCHIFuel separator 1 ALFA-LAVAL MIB 303Watermaker 2 SEA RECOVERY 1400-2Cathodic protection 1 Set of zinc anodesHydraulic system 1 FEEBE customPumps GIANNESCHIPaint system INTERNATIONAL/AWLGRIPDECK EQUIPMENT Windlass 2MAXWELL VWC 8000Morning winch 2 MAXWELL VC 6000Chain 2 Stud link 17.5mm galvanizedAnchor 2 MANSON HHP stainless 300kgMooring equipment CONRAD custom stainless steel bollards and fairleadsGantry crane 1 FEEBE electricDeck crane 1 BESENZONI G. 711Manual tender davit 1 FEM STRUTTUREGangway 1 FEEVE hydraulic 6.5m rotatingStern gate 1 FEEBE hydraulicFolding bulwarks/balconies 4 FEEBE hydraulicBalcony side door 4 CONRAD custom stainlessAft sliding door main deck 1 OPACMARE 2135Aft sliding door bridge deck 1 OPACMARE 2T11Superstructure side doors 4 NEWTHEXWatertight doors 2 NEWTEXDeck hatches RONDALWindows & windshield TILSEPilot seat 2 BESENZONI G. 711Windscreen wipers 5 EXALTOER grilles 2 CONRAD customTeam deck CONRAD customDeck jacuzzi 1 TEUCO Mirro 630, customizedSauna 1 CONRAD customRunning machine 1 TECHNOGYM Spazio FormaTraining wall 1 TECHNOGYM Kinesis HeritageLoose deck furniture Owner's DeliveryELECTRICS & ELECTRONICS Entertainment electronics Custom system

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based on media serverNavigation & communication FURUNO/SIMRAD/IMTELLIAN230VAC main switchboard CONRAD custom24V panels CONRAD customSynoptic panels CONRAD customService batteries MASTERVOLT, 2V cellsGNDSS batteries MASTERVOLTStart batteries MASTERVOLTShore converter 1 ASEA AC90SV-3Interior lighting FORESTI&SUARDI, MASIERO, PIETER ADAMExterior lighting SAVAGE LIGHTINGDOMESTIC EQUIPMENT Dumbwaiter 1 LIFE EMOTIONHousehold equipment GAGGENAU/MIELESAFETY ER fire extinguisher 1 NOVEC1230Life raft 4 ZODIAC SOLAS A-pack 10-personSafety equipment According to MCA LY3 (Owner's delivery)Main tender 1 CASTOLDI JT16 (Owner's delivery)Crew tender 1 WILLIAMS Turbojet 385 (Owner's delivery)Owner's deliveries and/or PC Sums shall include but not be limited to the following positions (if building the sister-ship):PC SUMS Plumbing fixtures 50,000 EUR netInterior hardware 70,000 EUR netAudio-video/Entertainment 150,000 EUR netNavigation & communication 250,000 EUR netDomestic appliances 80,000 EUR netInterior lighting 80,000 EUR netBlinds & curtains 40,000 EUR netMarble & stone 100,000 EUR netFabrics, leather & carpets 50,000 EUR netInterior designer and decorator of Owner's choice Paid by OwnerEquipment specification is believed to be correct at the time of writing. The builder reserves the right, in agreement with the Client, to amend specifications, materials or equipment in case any of equipment is not offered any longer – in such case specified equipment will be replaced with equal equipment of the same or other brand.General arrangement plan of the yacht is an integral part of this specification. Conrad Shipyard is an experienced luxury yacht builder specializing in building highest quality, class approved, steel, and aluminum luxury yachts ranging from 20 to 100 meters in length. We are located in Gdansk, Poland, one of the most historic shipbuilding cities in Northern Europe. Our shipyard employs, in partnership with our parent company Marine Projects Ltd., over 400 of the best specialists in naval construction, complex engineering, old-world craftsmanship, and modern yacht building. We cooperate with the most reliable and professional companies and suppliers in Poland, Europe, and throughout the world based on our motto "highest quality yachts at the best value."Our shipyard has all the necessary in-house facilities to meet the most demanding wishes of the most demanding clients. It includes an engineering team of over 25 professionals, an interior design team, and production facilities for luxury yacht furniture, which meets the highest global design and quality standards.Delivery of a completely outfitted CONRAD C133, sister-ship to VIATORIS, can be delivered in 22-24 months from the time contracts are finalized.Modified & improved upon general arrangements for 40-45m motor yachts with both traditional and plumb bows are also available upon request. Imitation might be the sincerest form of flattery, but to considerConrad Shipyard's40 metreViatoristo be a mere facsimile of anything that has come before would be missing the point entirely. The story ofViatorisstretches back at least a decade and is a tale of an owner and builder evolving together – one happy to fly under the radar and the other with everything to prove."He's a modest guy – this [yacht] is not a toy," says Conrad CEO and chairman Mikołaj Król ofViatoris'sowner. "This is a home on the water; something very private to be enjoyed with just family and friends."Viatoris, Latin

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for "traveller", will be used for family sojourns from her base in Croatia.It was in 2008, during the doldrums of the global financial crisis, when this owner and Król began talking about what would one day becomeViatoris. He owned a 20 metre Conrad 66 sloop-rigged sailing yacht and aPrincess58 motor yacht but was ready for a larger motor yacht. Conrad, based in Gdansk, Poland, was formed in 2003 by its parent company, the commercial shipbuilder Marine Projects Ltd, and in 2005 launched its first motor yacht project, theBill Dixon-designed27 metreEscape S. Later, it launched two semi-custom Conrad 66s, and it is a testament to the yard that both of these owners went on to order custom projects nearly twice the size. One ordered Conrad's 2013 launch, the 35 metre motor sailerLunardesigned byFrank Neubelt, then withNewcruise, while the other createdViatoris.WhenLunarmade her public debut at the 2013Monaco Yacht Show, she was moored near a 40 metreHakvoortcalledApostrophe. IfViatorisseems similar to the Dutch yard's creation, it's no coincidence. Her exterior is byReymond Langton Design, with naval architecture byDiana Yacht Design– the same team that createdApostrophe.Viatoris'sowner liked the classic silhouette and long overhangs ofApostropheand thought it was a style that would work well in his plans for a 30 to 35 metre yacht. But owner and yard soon found this wouldn't be as easy. "We tried to pack everything in, but if you want to have the second staircase for crew, for instance, there was no extra space," says Król. "And the proportions of the boat weren't elegant [at 35 metres]." The design slowly crept up to the 40 metre mark, which the owner was reticent about, having planned to go no bigger than 35 metres. But as Król tells it, the owner justified the extra length when he noticed that the waterline length would be only 35 metres. "'It's still not above my limit,' he was able to tell himself," says KrólThe design brief given to naval architects Diana Yacht Design and exterior designers Reymond Langton was for an elegant yet aggressive yacht, and there is certainly something edgy about the lines ofViatorisWhen it became time to create the new yacht, Król went straight to the source,contactingDiana Yacht DesignandReymond Langtonto ask them to take on the project. "I have to admit, I was wondering if Andrew [Langton] would say, 'now that I build 80 metre boats, I'm not going back'," says Król, who candidly recounts the story of another famous yacht designer who had been reluctant to work with Conrad, despite its history with well-known designers such as Dixon and Neubelt. "[The designer] had doubts as to whether Conrad could build his boat without his name being tarnished," Król says, and so he was happily surprised when Langton said yes."It's always nice when people like your work, but at the same time you always want to push design on," says Langton. "We're a company that never does the same thing – even yachts built quite close together, likeLady LaraandAviva, look quite different. We're always trying to move forward. We wanted to create a new design inspired byApostrophe'ssilhouette.Viatorishas quite a sporty, racy look by comparison – she reflects a more modern, up-to-date style."Viatoris'sexterior is incredibly sculptural. "We tried to design in 3D – we have shapes that go from one to another that are continuous, and we cut forms into the superstructure," Langton says. Reymond Langton has created undercuts and arcs that emphasise the length of the boat and also create visual tension. It's a technique borrowed from another, much larger, design – 91 metreLady Lara. The chiselled effect creates a highlight on the upper surfaces while the undercuts give a nice play of shadows

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and pick up the reflection of the water.These sculpted good looks add an extra dimension to the engaging exterior lines, which are perhaps most pronounced amidships, where a line flowing down from the superstructure intersects with one rising up from the bulwarks, creating a signature "X" shape. It was even more visible on an all white paint job before the steel grey hull colour was chosen, which shifts from grey to blue shades in different light. This was just one of more than a dozen designs that Reymond Langton proposed to Conrad and the owner."That's the way we work – Jon [Bevan, Reymond Langton designer] and I will both start sketching profiles, sort of competing with each other," Langton says with a laugh. "We play off each other and pick up details from each other, and we try to experiment with things. I think Jon won in the end. Mikołaj really liked the X shape, but the owner was worried it was going to be too much of a definitive feature."The owner is so low-key that he was concerned about standing out too much, or being "that X boat", but eventually he came round. Usually, Reymond Langton would visit a boat during a build to see how the design was being executed, but this was a slightly different arrangement and once the design was agreed and the 3D plans delivered, Langton and Bevan didn't see the boat until her debut. Standing dockside staring up at the sculpted exterior, the designers were impressed by Conrad's ability to bring their design to life so perfectly, and they credit this to the fact that Król himself is an architect. In addition to running the shipyard and managing the project, he also designed the interior ofViatoris.The brief was to create an elegant yet comfortable interior and extremely liveable exterior spaces. The owner was clear on exterior attributes he required, especially on the sundeck, which has a unique layout for a 40 metre yacht. He wanted a pool up high at the front so he could see where he's going while in the water, and he wanted it flanked by big sunpads. There is a flush teak deck and an infinity effect, so it feels like a pool. More unusual was the owner's request for a glass sauna on the sundeck, creating an interesting challenge for the naval architects at Diana Yacht Design. It added extra weight to an already top-heavy sundeck – with the pool and gym up here as well – and considerations for fire insulation. The floor of the sauna is raised to create space for this insulation, so there's limited headroom, but it's not especially needed as one will be seated or reclining when inside. But the views from this glass house will be immense, watching the world roll by as you sweat.From an architectural point of view, adding all this weight on the top deck meant having to compensate on the lower deck. "If you put heavy items, like batteries, near the bottom they work as a counterweight, then you can have these extra-heavy items up top," says Hans-Maarten Bais, Diana Yacht Design's creative director.The owner was clear on exterior attributes he required, especially on the sundeck, which has a unique layout for a 40 metre yachtThe brief also called for bulwarks and balconies opening in the saloon and master to let fresh air in, as the owner doesn't care for air conditioning. But Conrad didn't want to use the typical sliding doors, instead opting to create their own rugged doors of the same heavy-duty quality that might be seen on their ships. "This could be found on a boat even more than 500GT – they are solid," Król says of the thick stainless steel and glass doors, which fold accordion-style to reveal the descending bulwarks. The floor-to-ceiling doors are mirrored on either side of the saloon, creating an open, breezy living area. Rather than pushing sofas up against walls or windows, a gathering of low love seats and armchairs, in a periwinkle blue, is set in the centre of the room, all facing inwards to create a cosy lounge.The owner is a fan of oval elements so oval cabinets and ceiling trays can be seen throughout, such as the main deck aft foyer, with the oblong credenza. This entryway is narrower than the saloon, as stairs to the upper deck or ventilation are hidden on either side, masked by

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curved joinery and backlit onyx inside the foyer.Król selected all the stone seen on board, and the mix of black and white marble finds harmony in the orange-copper veins that run through each. "I purposely didn't choose perfect stone or try to mirror it," he says. "Stone is stone, it needs to look natural." Myriad wood choices are tied together through staining. The saloon has rosewood and stained oak, the latter of which is carried through the corridors, while the floors are natural oak.The foyer to the master has a small office that looks out of a wide window – just enough space for the owner to work solo. The wow factor in this nice-sized master suite comes in the balconies, which have an ingenious design created by Król himself. The glass doors fold open, which then act as a rail and a windbreak, while the balcony folds down and a loose railing is added in front for safety. The owner can do it all without the help of crew. There are two balconies on either side, creating an amazing cross breeze and two big chairs on either side can swivel out and look over the water.The owner is a fan of oval elements which have been incorporated throughout the interiorBut it's not all about big features. The doorknobs, for instance, were specially made by Turnstyle Designs – Król splashed out £100 per knob, saying those with plastic latches on the inside, seen even on yachts from the top shipyards, didn't meet his standards. He designed his own style of knob that Turnstyle created, a blend of click-lock and turning, so the doors and drawers are especially secure. Lamps in the master, inspired by tree branches and painted silver, were created by a Dutch artist, while the door handles throughout the accommodation are hammered chrome, which give a subtly reflective look. Leather headboards are by Marine Leather. A crystal light fixture created by Masiero hangs over the bed in the master – a partner to three others found on board in the saloon, dining room and a grand hanging fixture at the staircase.The guest rooms are interlinking in pairs and can be had in multiple layout options depending on the room, such as a lounge, double bed or twins. It's a great solution so that when the owner cruises with two other couples, as is often the case, each can have their own VIP suite with a bedroom connecting to a lounge area. It would certainly make a fantastic charter yacht asset, too, thoughViatorisis planned to be private.The upper lounge is the epitome of leisurely living, designed to be a cinema with comfortable reclining sofas and darkened at the touch of a button. A dumb waiter, cleverly hidden behind the joinery, brings food up from the galley for movie snacks or dinner on the upper aft deck, with an expanding table. The owner wanted to create zones on this deck, so it has the feel of a much larger yacht with the dining area, a boomerang-shaped bar to port and a seating area to starboard. Ahead of the bridge is a vast foredeck lounge with a seating area and sunpads, another request from the owner.This is Diana Yacht Design's 67th yacht, and the company considers each to be an evolution, using concrete data collected from each design to inform the next. "This boat is also equipped with a bulbous bow to make her more efficient, and we just saw during sea trials that she was only using 65lph at 10.5 knots, which is really efficient," says Bais. "And her captain says she manoeuvres 'very nicely, turns like a car'."Viatorisis quiet under way, even when down below. "The clearance between the props and the hull is very important," says Bais. "You can put in all the insulation you want, but if the foundation of the engine and propeller and layout isn't correct, you'll never get a quiet boat."It's further evidence of the lengths Conrad has gone to on this new 40 metre. "The Polish mentality is to show we can do it," Król says. The Polish locality, meanwhile, means that you're getting a northern European build without northern European prices.And that's for a superyacht coming from some of the best designers in the

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Jennifer Ulrich Phone number, Email Id, Fanmail, Instagram, Tiktok, and Contact Details Aug 24, 2021 Jennifer Ulrich, Jennifer Ulrich address, Jennifer Ulrich contact details, Jennifer Ulrich email, Jennifer Ulrich facebook, Jennifer Ulrich instagram, Jennifer Ulrich phone number, Jennifer Ulrich twitter, Jennifer Ulrich youtube Jennifer Ulrich Phone Number, House Address, Email, Biography, Wiki, Whatsapp and Contact Information Jennifer Ulrich was born in Berlin, Germany on October 18, 1984. In addition to The Wave (2008), Diaz: Don't Clean This Blood (2012), and We Are the Night (2013), she has appeared in (2010). As Yvonne, Jennifer Ulrich made her acting debut in the 2002 film Big Girls Don't Cry. Having acted in films such as The Elementary Particles in 2006 and Seven Days Sunday in 2007, he For example, she played the female lead in the 2008 film The Wave, and she played a vampire in the film We As for the films, both were directed by Dennis The genre films she enjoys include thrillers and slash"Big Girls Don't Cry" was her first film, and she played Yvonne. Jennifer Ulrich Biography/Wiki The storey revolves around Kati and Steffi, two best friends who are also Their fury grows when they learn that Steffi's father is having an affair with another woman. Yvonne was captured by a pornographer named Mr. Winter, and her storey is running parallel to this one.Her performance in the film was excellent, and she did make a name for herself as a result of it After the first film's success, she appeared in a number of German films, as well as a short In 2005, when "Elementary Particles" was released in theatres, she returned to Michael and Bruno, two brothers who are unsure of their sexuality, are the focus. There's no doubt that they had a strange childhood In the future, Michael will become a biologist, and Bruno will become aNot sexually, Michael is fascinated by the idea of reproduction. Bruno, on the other hand, is sexually active and wants to fulfil his desires, but is depressed by his failed attempts with women and prostitutes, and so he admits himself to a mental facility. After a trip to his hometown, Michael runs into Annabelle, who begins an affair with him. When he meets Christiane, Bruno begins an affair with her as well, but ends upBruno admits Christiane to the hospital after she collapses during a sexual encounter and learns that she is paralysed. But he doesn't want to leave her. If she doesn't abort the pregnancy, Annabelle will die from the womb infection, so she does it without telling Michael. In the wake of Christiane's suicide, Bruno accuses himself of being responsible for her death and returns to the mental institution.As soon as Michael learns of Annabelle's condition he brings her back to his home with him Michael asks Bruno to come with them on the way home, but he refuses. Others include "We Are The Night," in which she played a vampire named Charlotte, and "Atomized," among others, One of her most recent projects was "Alarm For Cobra 11," a 2014 television series about a task force of eleven people hired to solve crimes. Two decades after its debut on March 12, 1996, the series is still going strong. Jennifer Ulrich Phone number Popular As Jennifer Ulrich Occupation Actress Born 8 October 1984 Birthday 8 October Town/City Berlin Country German Nationality Germany According to starphonenumber.com, She is one of the prominent Actress. She has come into the list of those popular people who were born on 8 October 1984. She is one of the most Richest Actress who was born in Germany. She is one of the popular Actress in our database at the age of 36 years old. Jennifer Ulrich Physical Stats & Body Measurements Not much is known about her physical stats and body measurements. Jennifer Ulrich Boyfriend or Dating Life Not much is known about her dating life. Jennifer Ulrich

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<?xml version='1.0' encoding='UTF-8'?> <!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.1//EN" "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml11/DTD/xhtml11.dtd"> <html> <head> <title>org.scalatest.time.Span</title> <meta http-equiv="content-type" content="text/html; charset=UTF-8" /> <link type="text/css" media="screen" rel="stylesheet" href="../../../lib/template.css" /> <script type="text/javascript" src="../../../lib/jquery.js"></script> <script type="text/javascript" src="../../../lib/jquery-ui.js"></script> <script type="text/javascript" src="../../../lib/template.js"></script> <script type="text/javascript" src="../../../lib/tools.tooltip.js"></script>  <script async src="https://www.googletagmanager.com/gtag/js?id=UA-71294502-1"></script> <script defer> window.dataLayer = window.dataLayer || []; function gtag(){dataLayer.push(arguments);} gtag('js', new Date()); gtag('config', 'UA-71294502-1'); </script> </head> <body class="type">  <script type="text/javascript"> var rnd = window.rnd || Math.floor(Math.random()*10e6); var pid204546 = window.pid204546 || rnd; var plc204546 = window.plc204546 || 0; var abkw = window.abkw || ''; var absrc = 'http://ab167933.adbutler-ikon.com/adserve/;ID=167933;size=468x60;setID=204546;type=js;sw='+screen.width+';sh='+screen.height+';spr='+window.devicePixelRatio+';kw='+abkw+';pid='+pid204546+';place='+(plc204546++)+';rnd='+rnd+';click=CLICK_MACRO_PLACEHOLDER'; document.write('<scr'+'ipt src="'+absrc+'" type="text/javascript"></scr'+'ipt>'); </script> <div id="definition"> <a title="Go to companion" href="Span$.html"><img src="../../../lib/class_to_object_big.png" /></a> <p id="owner"><a name="org" class="extype" href="../../package.html">org</a>.<a name="org.scalatest" class="extype" href="../package.html">scalatest</a>.<a name="org.scalatest.time" class="extype" href="package.html">time</a></p> <h1><a title="Go to companion" href="Span$.html">Span</a></h1> </div> <h4 class="signature" id="signature"> <span class="kind">class</span> <span class="symbol"> <span class="name">Span</span> <span class="result"> extends AnyRef</span> </span> </h4> <div class="fullcommenttop" id="comment"><div class="comment cmt"><p>A time span.</p><p>A <code>Span</code> is used to express time spans in ScalaTest, in constructs such as the <code>failAfter</code> method of trait <a href="../concurrent/Timeouts.html"><code>Timeouts</code></a>, the <code>timeLimit</code> field of trait <a href="../concurrent/TimeL

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Github

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