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[PREVIOUSLY_ON]
Raylan: Mags Bennett may have a sizeable amount money socked away.
Loretta: You gonna ask do I have it?
Raylan: I was just gonna ask if you knew where she kept it.
Dickie: Where's my money, man? We gonna need someone with particular skills. His initials are Boyd Crowder.
Ava: I want to show you something.
Boyd: Dickie Bennett's gonna pay for that.
Wynn: How long have you been taking those? Maybe it is time you leave Kentucky. I got nowhere else to go. You deliver Quarles. Show me you can get things done. The price I gave those other assholes was $100,000 dead, $200,000 if Sammy gets a chance to, uh, talk to him about putting a gun in his face.
Wynn: Thank you, Mr. Tonin. I'll be in touch.
Boyd: Well, I hear my guest here's worth some money.
Wynn: Would you say you'd be willing just to kill him to eliminate any chance of his wriggling free?
Boyd: I think we can handle him. Well, it turns out I need a place to unload the spoils of my earlier endeavors. There's a whorehouse, but they also deal to the Johns. It's called Audry's. Hi! I think we're about to have us some fun. What's the price they put on my head?
[ Electricity crackles ]
[ Click ]
Hmm. Check me out. I'm gangsta and sh1t.
[ Laughs ]
That gun's so little, it's like a lady's pistol. What do you reckon it, a .25? Mm... looks like a little 9-mil. .32-caliber ACP. .32's good. Close range, anyway. Hollow points. They get inside you and they bounce around till there's nothing left but paste. I'm afraid I can't help you out there. We're supposed to keep you company till the boss comes back. Said to keep you comfortable. [ Sighs ] "Comfortable"? Is this part of being comfortable?
[ Laughs ]
No, but that bottle next to you is.
[ Grunts ]
There's a whole lot in here... Enough to get us all comfortable. What do you say, ladies? Let's do this.
Johnny: How much?
Boyd: $200,000 alive, half of that for a dead man.
Ava: And he is alive.
Boyd: I got him chained like a junkyard dog at Cat and Minerva's trailer. Got Jimmy standing guard.
Ava: Cat and Minerva's trailer?
Boyd: Oh, I'm sorry. I probably should check with the proprietess.
Johnny: How do we deliver him?
Boyd: Frankfort heavy with connections to Detroit, headed down south as we speak.
Arlo: 200 large to get rid of that pain in our balls. That's a nice play, Boyd.
Boyd: Well, we still got to do a 50/50 split with this fella named Duffy, but it does kill two birds.
Arlo: I'm proud of you, son.
Boyd: Why, Arlo, thank you. That means a lot coming from you.
Ava: And what does it mean coming from me?
Boyd: Well, now, baby, I -- I think you know.
[ Door opens ]
Y'all open?
Boyd: Well, Errol... did you come all the way down here for a drink? Not exactly, sir. Not as such.
Boyd: Well, what can we do for you? I come bearing a man seeking audience, if you'll have him.
Boyd: Well, we take all kinds. Bring him in.
Johnny: [ Laughing ] Oh, sh1t.
[ Door closes ]
[ Indistinct shouting ]
Hold up, now.
Boyd: Stand up. Stand up! Man, he can't breathe in there.
Boyd: You need to breathe, Dickie Bennett? You want to breathe?
Dickie: Money!
Boyd: Money? Tell you something, son. There ain't enough money in this whole goddamn world. You understand me? Huh?! You understand that?! Look, Boyd. That boy's mama died. She died holding close to $3.2 million in cash, now. The only way you got a prayer in ever laying hands on that money is between us two right here.
Ava: Boyd. He knew what he was walking into when he came in here. I'm curious to hear whatever possessed him.
Dickie: [ Coughing ]
Arlo: Boyd, you don't finish this pile of donkey sh1t, I'll do it myself.
Ava: No. We'll hear him out, and then we'll decide.
Arlo: Ava, this boy killed Helen. Just because you suddenly got Jesus in your heart, all forgiven.
Ava: I hadn't forgot. And he ain't forgiven. Nor has he hobbled out of here alive yet. Now, you and he -- you say you got some money. Now would be a good time to start talking about where it is.
♪ On this lonely road ♪ ♪ trying to make it home ♪ ♪ doing it by my lonesome ♪ ♪ pissed off, who wants some? ♪ ♪ I fighting for my soul ♪ ♪ God get at your boy ♪ ♪ you try to bogard ♪ ♪ fall back, I go hard ♪ ♪ on this lonely road ♪ ♪ trying to make it home ♪ ♪ doing it by my lonesome ♪ ♪ pissed off, who wants some? ♪
Raylan: Sheriff Napier. I still call you that, right? I see you're still wearing the uniform. I won the election. The office is in contention. Wouldn't be here if you didn't need something. What the hell you want?
Raylan: Looking for Robert Quarles. Never heard of him.
Raylan: He's from Detroit. He financed your re-election campaign. You know, if you know so much, how come you can't find him yourself? You're the marshal. Isn't that what you do?
Raylan: Yeah, it is, and this is how we do it. You got any idea what it's like running local law enforcement in this county?
Raylan: Some, I'd expect. No, you don't. At the end of the day, you truck off to Lexington or wherever the hell you go, put it all in your rear-view mirror. I go home right up to that holler. And let me tell you, son. The sh1t follows me home like a three-legged dog.
Raylan: You been doing this long enough. You should know to pick better partners. Oh, so now you gonna start in on me, too. Dragging in my financiers, starting all that forensic-accounting bullshit.
Raylan: That's FBI and treasury. Marshals don't give a sh1t who paid who. Then why the hell are you here?
Raylan: I told you. I'm looking for Robert Quarles. I'm trying to send you home with one less problem on your mind. Now, do you know where he is or not? Last I heard, he was hanging out at a joint called Audry's, looking to sell off some pills.
Raylan: Thank you. Deputy, you get a chance to put some bullets in that towheaded son of a bitch... Sure be nice if he knew one came from me.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Whew! Suck it down, Catty! Own that sh1t, girl! Too much for the lady to handle.
[ Coughs ]
I can handle anything you dish out, blondie. You ever see "Platoon." The movie with the old people where they go too outer space? That's "Cocoon." "Platoon's" the -- hold it. Come here. Put your mouth on this. Don't be scared. Step right up. Boom!
[ Squeals ]
Oh!
[ Laughs ]
You chipped my tooth, asshole! I'm sorry. This'll make it feel much better. I promise. Trust me. Trust me. That's it. That's it. That's it. Ta-da! Whoo! Where in the hell did he get a shotgun? We didn't bring any shells. No sh1t. Who's next on the shotgun train? Ooh. I got my ticket right here. Next stop, highland park.
[ Laughs ]
Party's over, assholes. Over? It just started. Just point yourself in any direction and dive right in, son. We got paying customers inside waiting on mouths to get in there and blow 'em. Do you have to be such a dick? I mean, can't you just leave one of them here for me? You need me to remind you how you come to have that chain there? Well, maybe I'll gnaw it off like a coyote and come back and find you and shoot you in your face. There's enough oxy here you'd probably never feel it. And then I wouldn't have to babysit your crazy ass anymore.
[ Humming ]
♪ Ga gung ♪
[ Beat-boxing ]
Five minutes. All right, five minutes. Y'all got five minutes to finish your smoke. Then you got to get inside and start smoking something else. Goddamn crazy bitches. Five minutes. Bye.
[ Gasps ]
[ Coughing ]
Shh. Any noise out of that filthy whore mouth of yours and I will rip her head off with this chain. Do you understand? Jimmy, get in here. I think he's having some kind of seizure. Come on! Look, I'm just telling you what I know.
Ava: You're saying after all this time, Limehouse is keeping that money in a safety-deposit box at a bank. Well, he got to keep it somewhere, doesn't he? It's the 21st century. We hadn't been burying money under churches for a long time now.
Boyd: Why now? Mr. Limehouse moves the money around all the time. Kind of a shell game. I heard him say he gonna move things around again tomorrow.
Boyd: Which bank? Gallatin. Down near Benham. You know it?
Boyd: I have some familiarity with it. Meaning you robbed it.
Boyd: Got no qualms about robbing it again. Well, then we need to go in and--
Arlo: We ain't got any kind of crew to go after a bank job. I say we do both of them... Have done with it. Worth $3.2 million seeing us bleed on your floor?
Arlo: It is to me.
Boyd: Errol, just give us a moment, please. Take all the time you need.
Boyd: Ava, I need you to take Arlo down and reconnoiter the bank. Try to get access to that safe-deposit box. See what we're dealing with.
Arlo: Why do I got to go?
Boyd: Because... This ain't your first rodeo. And I need your eyes the way I need her eyes.
Ava: What are you gonna do?
Boyd: Well, I'm gonna try to put my hands on some Emulex in case you call and say that this dog will hunt.
Ava: All right.
Boyd: In the meantime, I'm gonna deliver that baby to Detroit.
Ava: Sounds good. Let's go, Arlo.
Boyd: Hey... are you sure you're all right with this?
Ava: $3.2 million. I might find a way to get right.
[ Muffled shouting ]
Oh.
Raylan: You know what the two saddest words in the English language are? "What party?" That's kind of how I feel right now. You all right, ma'am? You okay? I know you. You work with Boyd, don't you? Uh-huh. You gonna have to get some bolt cutters. That pasty sack of sh1t took the key.
Raylan: Quarles? Yeah.
Raylan: He didn't say where he was headed, did he? What do you think?
[ Cellphone ringing ]
Are you gonna get us out of these or what?
Raylan: Why? From where I'm standing, it doesn't look so bad.
[ Cellphone beeps ]
Givens. He coming back? The boxes we have for rent are, uh, right through here. Miss -- Miss Reutter?
Ava: Oh. Thank you. As you can see, uh, we have a variety of sizes -- priced accordingly, of course.
Ava: Of course. But we like to think we have something to suit everyone's needs.
Ava: Well, it certainly would appear so. Uh, is there, uh, any -- anything else you'd -- you'd like to see today?
Ava: No. I think I have seen everything I need to. Thank you very much. Have you had lunch? 'Cause I was gonna step around the corner to the luncheonette. They got a pretty good club sandwich.
Ava: Oh, club sandwich is my favorite, but...
Raylan: Nice car. New state issue unmarked. Wouldn't outrun a dairy cow.
Raylan: Well, at least it's new. So, what's going on? Well, we got a few things. One is, your old pal Dickie was up at Boyd's bar, had Limehouse's right-hand man in tow.
Raylan: Good a place as any for him to die, I guess. Why are we here? Well, Ava left out of there not long after. She's been at the bank about 15 minutes. Has your daddy along with.
Raylan: Window? sh1t. Sorry.
Raylan: Thanks. He's over there casing the place about as subtle as a marching band.
Raylan: Hmm. Call the FBI? I did. I wouldn't hold your breath. They mentioned something about how this podunk chicken shack wasn't worth their rush.
Raylan: So, Dickie's with Limehouse's guy up at Boyd's, and these two are down here poking around. Make for some strange bedfellows. Don't you think? I think if I've ever seen a clutch of fools fixin' to rob a place, I'm looking at it right now.
Wynn: I told you just to kill him.
Boyd: And I told you if I'm next to see him, I will.
Wynn: Have you got any idea the position you put me in? I told a man in Detroit that I would bring him Robert Quarles. Now, does the name Theo Tonin ring a bell?
Boyd: No.
Wynn: No? Let me tell you about Theo Tonin. The man carries an ear in his pocket. He carries a human ear in his pocket. And when he wants to talk to somebody, he wants to get their attention, he reaches into his pocket, takes out the ear, and he speaks directly into it.
Boyd: What does he say?
Wynn: The point is, Mr. Crowder, when he asks me, and he will, where Robert Quarles is, does Theo Tonin sound like the kind of man to whom you'd like to say, "I'm sorry, but he escaped from a disease-ridden whore factory up in inbred holler"?!
Boyd: I'm gonna let that one go. Now, [Clears throat] here's the thing, Mr. Duffy -- what we have before us, contrary to appearances, is an amazing opportunity. Now, later on tonight, I'm gonna walk into a bank, I'm gonna open a little box, and I'm gonna walk out with $3.2 million, of which I'm willing to give you a cut. Now, what -- what I'd like to do is create a diversion -- say, blow up a car a few miles away. And while the world is going in one direction, well, I just walk in the -- in the other direction. And what if when that car blows up, there's a man inside? And say that man had brilliant blue eyes?
Wynn: And a big, stupid baby head?
Boyd: That's the same. Now, right out there in that truck, I got a box full of Emulex with a cellphone detonator. Now, when Mr. Quarles comes to see you -- as I know he will, being that you are the only friend he has left in this world -- you call me, and I'll come and set that charge for you. Problem solved.
Wynn: Oh, Mr. Crowder... I believe I know how to blow up a car. Last time we spoke, thought I made it fairly clear, the terms of our arrangement. Hand to God, I took the steps and the direction that you indicated. However, my enemies derailed my plans. And you figured you could just come walking back up in here empty-handed. Well, I figured there must be a way that a man of my particular skill set could be of service to your organization. And what exactly would that be-- your particular skill set? Oh, I think you know. You are offering your loyal services? There just might be a way I can use them if you understand there will be no derailing. Either you follow this plan till the end of the line or you add me to your list of enemies, which, I assure you, is not a place you want to find yourself. Do we understand each other? We understand. Tonight Boyd Crowder is gonna rob that bank in Gallatin the way he always does -- blow up something on one end of town, and while all eyes are there, he's gonna hit the bank. Now, when you hear the big boom, you put your game face on, mister. And when Boyd comes out that bank, you hit him hard, and you get that money. Any questions so far? Where's Gallatin?
Ava: One guard, and that amount of money -- it's gonna be in one of the big boxes.
Dickie: Hey, hey! So, I ain't allowed to take part in the conversation about how to steal my $3 million?
Johnny: Shut your hole, dick.
Dickie: You want to just tell me that?
Ava: As I was saying, that amount of money's gonna have to be in one of those big boxes. They're all along this wall -- bottom row.
Boyd: Well, I think I've heard everything I need to hear.
Arlo: Me too. I'm sh1t with explosives. How about I drive?
Boyd: Actually, Arlo, you're gonna sit this one out.
Arlo: What?!
Boyd: So are you, baby.
Ava: Wait a minute.
[ Chuckles ]
There ain't no reason to keep me at a distance. I can pull --
Boyd: They already got you on a security camera. Now, I need you to take Arlo back to the house, sit by the phone in case anything goes sideways.
Arlo: You gonna bench me while Dickie Bennett sits out there eating all our pretzels?! Hell no!
Boyd: Arlo. Listen, I'm not saying you're a lion in winter, but your roar ain't what it used to be. Now, we gonna take care of Dickie Bennett when the time is right.
Arlo: God damn, Boyd!
Boyd: Out of respect for your age and the place you hold in my heart, I'm not telling you. I'm asking you. Now, go with Ava. Let me do what I got to do.
Ava: Come on, Arlo.
Arlo: I ain't helpless. I'm strong as a goddamn bull. Raylan, you know that.
Ava: Arlo.
Arlo: You know I ain't helpless. I can take any bank in this county all by myself.
Ava: No one's saying you're helpless, Arlo. Come on.
Arlo: I don't need you, Boyd.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Cellphone vibrating ]
[ Cellphone beeps ]
Wynn: Robert!
Where are you? Where are you?
Wynn: I'm in Harlan, looking for you. Good. Because, Wynn, we've been presented with an opportunity to not only survive, but prosper. I need you to meet me outside the Gallatin bank on main.
Wynn: Let's go.
[ Humming ]
Marshal Givens.
Raylan: Escort's a nice touch. It's like visiting the Wizard Of Oz. Yeah, I never seen it. All them flying monkeys? Mnh-mnh!
Raylan: Well, you should stick with it. At the end, they pull the curtain back -- turns out the guy's kind of a pussy. How you been, Ellstin? I was wondering when you was gonna make your way up here.
Raylan: I had to stop off at the bank first. You know Gallatin down the road? You know they give out toasters still if you open an account there. Yeah, you get yourself one of them toasters?
Raylan: No. Did you? Surprised to hear you keep your money there, seeing as that everyone knows that place has been robbed so many times. So you're saying it's not a secure institution?
Raylan: No. In fact, I hear that, uh, Boyd Crowder's gonna rob the bank again this very day. Actually, I heard the same thing.
Raylan: Did you? Mm-hmm. You know what else I heard? There's a fella name of Robert Quarles that's gonna rob Boyd Crowder soon as Boyd come out that bank.
Raylan: Is that right? Mm-hmm. They say there's about $3 million down there. That's funny how that money bring together all them wayward personalities. But they gonna be right there -- all in the same place for you to do whatever you want to do with them. Hell, I'd just let them kill each other if I was you, but... I'm not.
Raylan: Well... Looks like Christmas is coming early to law enforcement. Just trying to do my part as a good citizen.
Raylan: And clear out the competition. "The competition"? Marshal, do I look like a big criminal warlord to you? I'm just trying to do what I've always tried to do.
Raylan: Which is? Get people to leave us the hell alone. Amen? Amen.
Raylan: Well, I've always said it's good to have goals. But until I deliver that money into the marshals service, there ain't no way you're ever gonna be left alone. You just wait and let them hit that bank.
Raylan: No. I know it ain't there. Don't try to tell me it is. It may once have been, but not now. No. No way you'd risk it. Now, you tell me you got Boyd and Quarles all wrapped up in a pretty little bow. Fantastic. I'm gonna make a call to everyone who gives a sh1t. In the meantime, I am telling you, not a day passes federal boots aren't on the ground in nobles holler, churning up every acre and then going over it again, world without end, until I get what I want. Now, is that clear?
Boyd: Cousin Johnny, pour us a shot of that Elmer T.! Well? We gonna do it?
Boyd: [ Sighs ] Well, boys, I believe it's game on.
Dickie: Ho! [ Laughing ] Right there's a little bit of good news right there.
Boyd: You understand the less I hear from you, the better.
Johnny: How we gonna do this?
Boyd: Well, that's a great question, cousin Johnny, 'cause I will not be the only one going through that door.
Dickie: Hey, I'll do it. I will do it.
Boyd: You're not invited. The person I want to hear from is Errol. Unless, of course, you want to give me that box number right now. Well, like I said before, Mr. Crowder, you don't get the number until you're in the vault. Insurance. You understand? Well, I guess it don't matter 'cause you're gonna be in there with me, right?
Dickie: Well, hold up. Just hold up. [ Laughing ] Okay? I can't believe what I'm hearing. I-I can't be hearing this right. Am I not invited somehow to this whole shindig, wherein upon we -- we're stealing my money? Do I need to remind you, gentlemen, whose money is this, again? Errol, help me out. It's your mama's money, Dickie.
Dickie: It's my mama's money. Therefore, it is my money. It's my birthright, okay? So what I think we're looking at here is something along the lines of a 70/30 kind of split in my favor, only because it [laughing] Is my money. Okay? So why don't we just cool out, draw us up a little contract, something? Don't need to be fancy or anything. We can put it on a napkin if that's what you want. Is that okay with you, Boyd?
Boyd: You know, my daddy -- he always told me, "Son, just 'cause you're paranoid, that don't mean that somebody ain't out to get you."
Dickie: Ho! Ho! Ho!
Boyd: Now, which one of you two assholes is trying to set me up? Salt? Or pepper?
Dickie: Set...
Boyd: Yeah, I didn't think it was you, Dickie. There ain't any money in that safe-deposit box, is there, Errol? There ain't any of Mags' money at all. Well, I knew it when you came through the front door. See, why would you step up against Limehouse? 'Cause even with all that money, you ain't got nowhere else to go. So I'm gonna ask you one more time, son. What are you and Limehouse trying to walk me into? To prison, Mr. Crowder.
Helen: They're cutting you out. They're gonna run with Dickie Bennett instead of you.
Arlo: I got no other play! Boyd's crew now. This is the way it works.
Helen: Boyd's a liar and a coward. The man who killed me sipping ginger tea in his bar, and here you sit, head hung like a piebald mule.
Arlo: You bite your tongue, Helen!
Helen: He put you in here to rot while he takes what he likes and leaves you the wishbone.
Arlo: God damn it, Helen. I said shut your mouth!
[ Glass shatters ]
Ava: Arlo!
Did you take your meds today?
Arlo: I don't need them, Ava.
Ava: I'm gonna get them anyway.
Helen: You need to take care of business, Arlo.
[ Telephone rings ]
Ava: Arlo, get the phone!
What's he doing?
[ Ringing continues ]
[ Gasps ]
Arlo... [ ringing continues ]
You've reached Ava Crowder.
Boyd: Not Arlo's house phone or Ava's cell.
Johnny: And you lost Quarles, which leaves us with this sh1t right here.
Boyd: Quarles is taken care of.
But this ain't like Ava.
Dickie: Hey, um, Boyd... Um, you think maybe you'd want to just let me know more or less when you plan on, uh [Chuckles] Killing me? I mean, I think I have maybe a right to know that much at least.
Boyd: If Limehouse wanted me bound for jail, I'm sure he had a word with law enforcement, and I'm guessing part of what he told them was that you and Errol are still here. Am I right, Errol? So you rest easy, Dickie Bennett. You ain't gonna die this night. I'll be back. Don't let these two out of your sight.
Raylan: You boys aren't dicking around, are you? Just like you, we like to be prepared.
Raylan: Any word? Yeah, my man at the bar says that Crowder just drove away.
Raylan: You really think this is gonna go down? I hope so. 'Cause if I'm missing my boy's t-ball game for nothing, I'm gonna be pissed.
Dickie: Oh, waiting. Waiting, waiting! A little more waiting. Yeah, the waiting wouldn't be so hard if we had some decent food or something to wait with. Johnny?
Johnny: Grab a pretzel.
[ Both grunting ]
Dickie: Ho!
Where you going, Errol? Huh? I can't abide you pulling that pistol on me, Dickie. Now, I warned you.
Dickie: Easy, easy. Now, don't you go warning me. [ Laughing ] I don't -- I don't think I can handle you w-warning me. What do you think you're gonna do to back up your big warning there, Errol? Huh? Got something up your sleeve? [ Gasps ] Oh, I see! Yeah! You got the silent treatment up your sleeve. That's your answer for everything. Isn't it, Errol? Dickie, put that gun down first, and then we'll talk.
Dickie: All right. All right. Let's talk. Let's talk. Huh? Now, you and Limehouse -- you're hiding my money. Where?! I told you. We done had that conversation. I told you.
Dickie: Yeah. I don't know. You told me. I remember what you told me, Errol. I remember what you said. Yeah. "Dickie, it's okay. Your money is right over here. Oh, no, no. It ain't over here. It's over there." So now I'm back to hearing, "Hey, ain't no money after all. Ain't that a shame?" I'm gonna have to call me some bullshit on that, Errol. I know my money ain't just gone, and I believe you know where it is, and I believe you're gonna tell me where it is. On your mark, get set...
[ Engine turns over ]
[ Police radio chatter ]
[ Tires screech ]
Thank you. Dickie and Limehouse's man Errol just left the bar.
Raylan: Where are they going? I got no damn idea, but I'm gonna find out and let you know.
[ Cellphone rings ]
Raylan: [ Sighs ]
[ Cellphone beeps ]
Givens. What can I do for you? You still looking for that money?
Boyd: Ava!
[ Knock on door ]
Ava: Boyd!
Boyd: Hey! Hey! Hey!
Are you okay?
Ava: I'm fine. I'm -- just get me out of here!
Boyd: What happened? Where's Arlo?
Ava: He's out of his mind.
[ Cellphone rings ]
Boyd: [ Sighs ] Yeah.
Johnny: H-hey, Boyd, listen-- Dickie got the drop on me.
And h-he and Errol-- they lit out. When I was coming to, I heard him say something, uh, about the money. It's there. It's with some girl, Loretta, up in Lexington.
Dickie: Unbelievable. So, we've been driving around damn near an hour. You haven't even been close to sure, and now you're -- now you're sure? Reasonably so.
Dickie: Oh. Turn it off. Let's get out. Here we go. Come on. Attaboy. Let's get out. Come on. Come on. If you would, please, sir. There you go. If you would please, sir... What you want me to do?
Dickie: ...Put the key right in there. There you go. Come on.
[ Whistles ]
Now, if you would, please, sir, one last time. There you go. I can't get --
Dickie: Stretch right out. Watch your fingers. Here we go. What the?!
Dickie: There we go. Watch your fingers-- fingers and toes. Attaboy.
What the... Dickie: Yeah. Good man.
Raylan: How you doing, Dickie?
Dickie: Raylan. Well, well, well, here we are.
[ Laughs ]
Yeah, and you're here because, uh -- oh, I know. You must be here to help hand out my money. I got a trash bag in the car.
Raylan: I'm here to haul your ass back to prison, just like I promised the judge I would. But to be honest, I didn't think it would happen so quickly. I mean, when was that? A week ago Wednesday?
Dickie: And what is it you actually think that you'd throw me back into prison for? 'Cause I believe what you're looking at is I'm just -- what am I doing? I'm -- I'm coming to pay respects to my baby adopted sister. Is she around?
Raylan: With a loaded weapon?
Dickie: Loretta!
Raylan: That's 42 months right there.
Dickie: That's keeping her safe right there, as far as I can tell.
Raylan: Keeping her safe? Well, then why'd you break in?
Dickie: That door was way, way unlocked, and we both know this.
[ Glass shatters ]
That...
Raylan: That's another 20 months.
Dickie: Is that what that is?
Raylan: Not to mention the fella you got out there in your trunk, kidnapped.
[ Exhales sharply ]
That's about 60 months. You're racking up quite a stay.
Dickie: The thing [Laughs] About the fella in the tr-- fella who may or may not be in the trunk -- 'cause he pretty much put himself in there of his own doing. And if I happen to have a firearm upon me, it may have something to do with the fact that there are one or two people in this world who want to do me harm.
Raylan: You know what your trouble is? You keep thinking you're tough. So you're going back to prison to be reminded you ain't. You're just... stupid. You're just a stupid, craven hillbilly piece of sh1t. Hell, maybe getting tossed around like a pool toy in the federal pen is just the remedy you need.
Dickie: I'm not going back, Raylan.
Raylan: You are.
Dickie: No. No, no. No.
Raylan: Let's try to look on the bright side, huh? At least you got your health.
Dickie: [ Laughs ]
Raylan: Dickie, what choice do I have?
Dickie: [ Gasping ]
Raylan: I appreciate the call.
[ Sighs ]
[ Pen clicking ]
Loretta: How'd Limehouse know that they were gonna come after me?
Raylan: He had eyes on you ever since Errol led Dickie off.
Figured it was just a matter of time.
Loretta: So, what are you gonna do?
Raylan: You understand this money we're looking for has been used in criminal enterprises. Ain't any way to untangle who it was rightfully taken from or any way to get it back to those people if we ever did figure it out. If we recover it, we'd just put it in a locker down in our basement until we can figure out what the hell to do with it, but it's still my job to recover it. And if I wanted to, I could throw your ass in detention and make you spill. Make you miss school, pull you out of that foster family -- the whole deal.
Loretta: Is that what you're gonna do?
Raylan: What do you think?
Loretta: I think you should do what you got to do. You won't hear me complaining either way.
Raylan: Limehouse and I came to an agreement. His side was alerting me to Dickie coming for you. My side... I'm gonna respect Mags' decision.
Loretta: Well... I'm gonna respect your decision, then.
Raylan: But I'll tell you something. I drive by your place and see a brand-new Lexus in your driveway or hear about Van Halen playing your goddamn birthday party, I will drop down on you like a piano, throw your ass in hock, and take every bit of that money with me. Do you understand?
Loretta: Marshal... I strike you in any way as a Van Halen fan?
Raylan: Get out of here. Try staying out of trouble for once, huh? No, I'm good. The idea is to be better.
[ Clears throat ]
Oh! Oh.
[ Door opens ]
Mr. Duffy.
[ Clears throat ]
My favorite Wynn-Wynn situation.
Wynn: Are you smoking Oxycontin in my motor coach? I most certainly am.
Wynn: Do that in your own vehicle. My car's not that comfortable.
Wynn: Robert. Limehouse told you where to wait. Go wait there. Is daddy getting mad?
Wynn: For once in your life...Do what has been asked of you.
[ Coughing ]
[ Cellphone beeps ]
Hello. Where are you, Mr. Quarles? Uh...where you told me to be waiting out for the big boom and a-a shitload of sirens. Well, I'm afraid you can wait all night.
[ Coughing ]
Mr. Crowder is not gonna hit that bank. Why is that? Well, you can ask him when you see him.
[ Sniffles ]
Am I going to be seeing him soon? You know, I didn't tell you because you did not need to know, but that money he intended on stealing from that bank belongs to me.
[ Tab pops ]
Now, the fact that he is no longer going for it does not mean he can avoid paying for his intent. Now, you told me you're a man of special skills. And how can I be of service? I want you to show Boyd Crowder them skills. [ Coughs ] I'm sorry? You heard me, Mr. Quarles.
[ Sighs ]
Okay, what's in it for me? Your debt will be forgiven. Um...and where is he? Oh, he's at that little old bar. Okay.
[ Sighs ]
Did you get that?
Wynn: The gist. Yeah. Good. You take your car, and I'll take mine.
[ Door opens ]
Now?
Wynn: No. Let's let him kill Crowder.
[ Engine turns over ]
Or at least try.
[ Cellphone rings ]
[ Cellphone beeps ]
Raylan: Hey, Tom. Anything?
Nothing blew up, and no bank got robbed. Where are you?
Raylan: Five out. Why? Well, my man outside Crowder's bar said someone who looked just like Quarles just pulled into the parking lot.
Raylan: Not too many folks look like Robert Quarles. I'll meet you up there.
Johnny: What the hell is he doing here? I thought you said it was taken care of.
Boyd: It was supposed to be. God damn it. [ Sighs ]
[ Cellphone rings ]
[ Cellphone vibrating ]
[ Cellphone beeps ]
What's he doing now?
Johnny: Well, it looks like he's snorting sh1t up his nose. Oh, sh1t, sh1t, sh1t! Oh!
Boyd: Mr. Quarles? I hate to ruin your party, but what in the hell you doing here? Uh, coming out slowly.
Boyd: Johnny. My hands are in the air. Now.
[ Cellphone beeping ]
And as you can see, I am unarmed.
Boyd: Well, as you can see, I'm not.
[ Ticking ]
[ Grunts ]
Oh!
[ Siren wailing ]
[ Police radio chatter ]
Drop your weapon, or I will shoot. Drop it now.
[ Sirens wailing ]
[ Gunshot ]
[ Tires screech ]
Raylan: Tom.
Officer down! Call for help! Show me your hands! Show me your hands! Quarles did it. Quarles shot him. Drop it! Drop it! | Plan: A: Duffy; Q: Who conspires with Boyd to kill Quarles? A: Boyd; Q: Who is the man who beats Dickie? A: Dickie; Q: Who did Boyd beat severely? A: Mags; Q: Who took Loretta McCready in? A: Ava; Q: Who intervenes in the bank robbery? A: Arlo; Q: Who locks Ava in her basement? A: Trooper Tom; Q: Who orders Quarles to drop his weapon? A: Tom Bergen; Q: Who is the State Trooper who informs Raylan of the bank robbery? A: Raylan; Q: Who shoots Dickie? A: Jimmy; Q: Who is Boyd's man? A: the same and confronts Limehouse; Q: What does Raylan do when he finds out that Errol is setting him up? A: Loretta McCready; Q: Who is the money with? A: his meds; Q: What is Arlo off of? A: Johnny; Q: Who tells Raylan that Quarles shot Tom? A: Lexington; Q: Where does Dickie go to rob Loretta? A: his gun; Q: What does Dickie pull to rob Loretta? A: Boyd's bar; Q: Where does Quarles go after realizing the bank job was a setup? A: Quarles' car; Q: What do Duffy and Mike blow up? A: moments; Q: How long after the shooting does Raylan arrive to find Tom dead? Summary: Quarles escapes, while Duffy conspires with Boyd to kill Quarles. Errol and Dickie approach Boyd about robbing the bank where Limehouse put Mags' money, but Boyd severely beats Dickie. Ava intervenes, angering Arlo. Boyd sends Ava and Arlo to case the bank, attracting the attention of State Trooper Tom Bergen, who informs Raylan. At Audrey's, Raylan finds the prostitutes and Boyd's man Jimmy tied up. Boyd determines Errol is setting him up, and Raylan deduces the same and confronts Limehouse, who tells him the money is with Loretta McCready, taken in by Mags. Arlo, off his meds, locks Ava in her basement and leaves to kill Dickie, who gets the drop on Johnny and forces the location of the money out of Errol. Dickie goes to Lexington to rob Loretta, but finds Raylan waiting; Dickie pulls his gun and Raylan shoots him. Realizing the bank job was a setup, Quarles goes to Boyd's bar, where Duffy and Mike blow up Quarles' car, drawing Trooper Tom. He orders Quarles to drop his weapon, and a shot rings out. Raylan arrives moments later to find Tom fatally wounded, Quarles gone, Boyd unconscious, and Johnny yelling that Quarles shot Tom. |
Act 1 Scene 1 - The Parking Garage Fade in. Frasier pulls his BMW into his parking space. Just after, Cam Winston pulls his HMMV into the spot to his left. Frasier opens his door, but it can only swing about six inches. Cam gets out of his car.
Frasier: Excuse me. Cam? Cam walks around the back of the cars.
Cam: Oh, hello Frasier. Still driving a sedan?
Frasier: Yes, well, at least mine fits in the allotted space. Unlike this new... behemoth you're driving.
Cam: Actually, it's the new Behemoth XL. Well, use care getting out.
Frasier: Come back here! You know very well I can't get out!
Cam: Oh, I'm sorry. Let me see what I can do about that. He walks back to the driver's side of his car as Frasier pushes his head up through his sun roof.
Cam: Oh, tough break. If I move I'll be over the line on the other side.
Frasier: But you're over the line on this side.
Cam: Actually, if you were standing out here, you would see that I'm just on the line, which, as we both know, is in.
Frasier: If I were standing out there, we wouldn't be having this conversation!
Cam: I wish I could help. Maybe next time you'll think twice before calling the police when I have a party. He begins walking away.
Frasier: What makes you think it was me?
Cam: You're the only one in the building I didn't invite. He clicks his car alarm and leaves. Frasier, grunting, pulls himself up through the sun roof to sit on the roof of his car. He pulls his hands up, worried about the finish, takes off his shoes and tosses them to the floor, then tries to ease down the back of his car. Slipping, he grabs at the pipe above his car, pulling it loose and pouring water over and into his car and himself. FADE OUT [N.B. Though Cam Winston, and the details of the feud described above, appear first in Season Seven's [7.11] "The Fight Before Christmas," this is the first time we see him in the flesh.] Scene 2 - Niles' Apartment at the Montana Fade in. Daphne comes in the front door, pulling a small rolling suitcase. Roz is with her.
Daphne: Thanks again for the ride, Roz.
Roz: Sure, no problem. Isn't this a lot of stuff for just one night?
Daphne: Oh, it's not for one night. Niles and I have decided to keep a few things at each other's houses. You know, save running back and forth. Niles comes in, pulling a bellman's dolly, with several suitcases and garment bags on it.
Niles: There you are. I thought I heard you come in. Hey, Roz.
Roz: Hey, Niles. Daphne: My God, what is all that?
Niles: Well, it's just the stuff I'm gonna be keeping at your place. Oh, Roz, since you're here, do you mind giving me a ride?
Roz: Well, what's wrong with your car?
Niles: I had to lend it to Frasier, his is drying out. Long story.
Roz: Well, I don't think I'm gonna be able to get all that stuff in my car.
Niles: Oh, well I'm sure once we get the rest of Daphne's stuff out, there'll be plenty of room.
Daphne: These are all my things.
Niles: Oh, well, uh... I guess I can do with out this dressing gown. He pulls one slim garment hanger from the rack.
Niles: Oh, but, what if I'm wearing dark pajamas?
Roz: Yeah, that would be all crazy. Niles, maybe if I take the back seat out of my car, I can cram all this stuff in.
Daphne: Yeah, that might work, but let's not move anything until Niles and I have had a little discussion about this.
Niles: Um, well, I definitely know I'm gonna need this one. He hands a small bag to Roz, who's shocked at the weight. Roz: I'll take it down. Niles, what do you have in here?
Niles: Um... ties. Roz leaves.
Niles: Something wrong?
Daphne: Where are we supposed to put all this? I cleared out two drawers. This'll fill two closets!
Niles: Well, we said we'd both bring whatever we needed for any eventuality.
Daphne: Well, isn't there anything you can leave behind?
Niles: I don't see how, I have formal, semi-formal, dishabille, wet weather, cold weather, cloudy. I mean, if there's something here you find excessive, jump right in.
Daphne: I just don't have the space, and I don't see your brother giving up any of his. Maybe this isn't going to work. She sits on the fainting couch. Nile joins her.
Niles: I'm sorry, I just thought this would make things easier.
Daphne: And it would, if I had more room.
Niles: Well, you're right. It was thoughtless of me. I guess I'm just used to rattling around here all by myself. Sometimes I think this is too much space for just one person. He gets a thoughtful look in his eye.
Niles: You know...
Daphne: Yes?
Niles: You could live here.
Daphne: Are you asking me?
Niles: Would you like to?
Daphne: Would you like me to?
Niles: Yeah.
Daphne: Then I will.
Niles: Okay. They let it sink in.
Niles: Wow! That was a big thing.
Daphne: I'll say. I'm gonna live in your apartment!
Niles: OUR apartment.
Daphne: Our apartment. Oh, my, I'm gonna have to practice saying that. "Let's go back to our apartment."
Niles: "Why don't we meet at our apartment?"
Daphne: "Oh, my, our apartment has a gas leak."
Niles: "Oh, no! Our apartment's going to explode!"
Daphne: "Oh, no! There goes our apartment." They break up laughing and Daphne pushes at him, knocking him to the floor. Roz comes in.
Roz: So, what else are we taking?
Daphne: Good news, Roz, Niles and I are moving in together.
Roz: Oh, hey, that's great news! So I didn't have to strip two bolts and grease up my shirt moving the seat out after all.
Daphne: Nope. And you didn't need to take Niles' ties down, either.
Niles: No. But I will get the ties. You stay here in our apartment.
Daphne: OUR apartment. Our living room, our fireplace...
Niles: Our kitchen. Our bedroom.
Daphne: Our bedroom... They look at each other.
Roz: I'll get the ties. She leaves.
FADE TO: Scene 3 - Frasier's Apartment Fade in. Frasier comes in, drops his keys on the side table and stands smugly for a moment.
Frasier: You should have been at the condo board meeting, Dad, you missed all the excitement.
Martin: Don't tell me, people argued about some dumb building policy, then you all had cookies.
Frasier: Not this time. I gave the greatest speech of my condo board career, which led to a vote, which led to the ruling that Cam Winston must now park that SUV monstrosity of his in the SUB- basement! Then we had cookies. He goes to pour a glass of sherry.
Martin: My mistake. How did Cam take it?
Frasier: He was livid, thank you. But I pointed out that the emissions from his oversized vehicle endangered the health of anyone passing through the lobby, and I won the day.
Martin: People bought that?
Frasier: Dad, I am an orator. It is not only that which is said, but the passion with which it is said.
Martin: You're saying it now and it just sounds like a lot of hooey. The doorbell rings.
Frasier: That's because I'm not orating right now. Oh, just go back to your paper! He sets his drink down and opens the door to reveal Cam.
Frasier: Ah, good afternoon again, Cam.
Cam: Listen, Crane, you may have bamboozled the condo board, but we both know you just want more room to swing your fat ass into that BMW.
Frasier: Cam, if there is any benefit to me, it is the cleaner air which we will all now breath.
Cam: Oh, get off your high horse. You do your share of polluting with that substitute for masculinity you're driving.
Frasier: If mine's a "substitute for masculinity", then what is yours?
Cam: Bigger! Martin: Ha!
Frasier: That wasn't funny. I'm sorry, Cam, but I believe the issue is closed. It was voted on by the majority. In the spirit of the great democracy that is America, I believe that is check and mate. Good day. He closes the door in Cam's face and retrieves his sherry.
Frasier: Boo-hoo, Cam, no more blocking my driver's side door.
Martin: Do you think that's smart? Ticking off the guy who lives right above us?
Frasier: Dad, we are protected by this building's constitution. Believe me, I will have Cam cited for a noise violation if he so much as drops a hint! Daphne and Niles come in the front door.
Daphne: Hi. Niles: Hello, hello, I'm glad you're both here. We have news.
Daphne: I'm moving in with Niles.
Frasier: Well, that is a big decision. My goodness, congratulations. He gets up and hugs them both.
Martin: Yeah, wow, it's not gonna be the same around here without you. The phone rings.
Daphne: Oh, don't worry, I'll still be around plenty, even if I'm not living here. She answers the phone.
Daphne: Hello? Oh, Mum. Yeah, I'm sorry, I've been meaning to call, but Dr. Crane yells at me whenever I phone long distance.
Frasier: I do not!
Martin: Let her say whatever she needs to.
Daphne: [heading to her room with the phone] And poor old Mr. Crane is so feeble he can't even make it to the loo by himself.
Martin: Hey! She mouths "Sorry" and exits to her room.
Niles: Can you believe it? I am actually going to be living under the same roof with the woman I adore. If you had told me two years ago that this was going to happen, I would have said you were crazy.
Frasier: I know exactly how you feel, Niles. You know, I used to think Cam Winston's SUV was immovable, and now look at me! [off their looks] Well, I think this calls for a celebration! How about some champagne?
Niles: Oh, stay there, I'll get the Dom. He heads off to the kitchen.
Frasier: Well, it's the end of an era. Martin: Yeah, it's been the three of us under this roof for nine years.
Frasier: Do you remember when Daphne first came here? She was so young and naive, I didn't think she'd last a week. Yet she somehow managed to forge a relationship with a, a blustery psychiatrist and a crotchety old man.
Martin: And with me, too.
Frasier: Yes, Dad, with you too.
Martin: Well, we knew she wouldn't be around forever, but I never would've guessed she'd end up with Niles.
Frasier: I know. He's come so far since the dark days of Maris and Mel.
Martin: Well, I guess from now on it's just you and I.
Frasier: "You and me", Dad.
Martin: [sotto voce] This is gonna be great. Niles comes back in with the champagne in an ice bucket.
Frasier: So, Niles, when is moving day?
Niles: As soon as possible. Once we'd made the decision, neither one of us wants to waste a second. Daphne comes back in.
Daphne: Well, the move is off.
Niles: What?
Daphne: Just temporarily, my parents are coming for a visit.
Niles: What does that have to do with us living together?
Daphne: Well, I just think with all the confusion involved with a move, it's best to wait until after they leave.
Niles: Or, we could call a mover and have all your stuff over at my place tomorrow, and you parents can stay with us.
Daphne: Oh, Niles, that is so sweet, I know they'll love that. But I think I should wait until after their visit to move.
Niles: Daphne, what's going on? Daphne: Nothing. I just think, well, why rush? Moving is something to be enjoyed. Frasier and Martin share a confused look.
Niles: So, just to clarify, you're going to stay here, but your parents are going to stay with me.
Daphne: Oh, I'm so glad you understand. She hugs him. Looking over her shoulder, he mouths "What happened?" to the others. End of Act 1
[SCENE_BREAK]
Act 2 Scene 1 - Niles' Apartment at the Montana Fade in. Martin is sitting on the couch. Niles and Frasier are setting up to greet the Moons.
Niles: I hope Daphne's not having trouble with their luggage. I should have gone with her to the airport. What kind of impression does it make that I didn't go with her?
Martin: She didn't want you to go with her.
Niles: Yeah, what does that say?
Frasier: Niles, will you relax? You always make a good first impression.
Niles: SECOND impression. The first impression I made when I kidnapped their daughter from her wedding. Oh God, where are my crab croquettes?
Frasier: I put them in the warming oven.
Niles: They'll dry out!
Frasier: Then I'll serve them.
Niles: No, they'll get cold! Oh, I don't know, I don't know! The doorbell rings.
Niles: Now, now! Crab croquettes!
Frasier: Right. Frasier heads to the kitchen, Niles fluffs the pillows on the couch.
Niles: Dad, it's show time! Keep you wits about you.
Martin: Right. I'll just follow your lead. Niles rushes, almost knocking over a lamp but catching it, then opens the door to Daphne and her mother.
Niles: Oh, Mrs. Moon, welcome, come in.
Daphne: Mum, you remember Niles?
Mrs. Moon: Of course. You know, I was quite cross with you when you stole my daughter away from that rich lawyer. But from the looks of this place, you do all right. Martin: Nice to see you again, Mrs. Moon. Martin Crane.
Mrs. Moon: Oh, of course, you're the one who's kind enough to keep my daughter employed.
Martin: It's not kindness, she does a great job.
Mrs. Moon: Well, she does what she can with what God gave her.
Niles: Um, where's Mr. Moon?
Daphne: Well, actually, there's been a slight change of plans... Simon, Daphne's loutish brother comes in.
Simon: 'Allo, 'allo. Niles: Simon!
Frasier: Simon!
Martin: Buddy, how ya doin'?
Simon: Well, I'm thirsty for starts.
Martin: Then let's take care of that!
Mrs. Moon: Oh, I could use a tiny nip of something myself. They head to the bar and Niles and Frasier move to Daphne.
Frasier: What is your brother doing here?
Daphne: Me dad couldn't make it, so Mum brought him instead.
Niles: Why, why didn't your dad come?
Daphne: I don't know. I'm disappointed, but I'm not surprised. Dad doesn't like to travel.
Niles: Why not? Drink in hand, Mrs. Moon walks over to a chair and sits.
Mrs. Moon: You know, that flight made my feet swell up like a couple of Christmas hams. Simon, give 'em a rub.
Simon: I rubbed 'em halfway across the Atlantic.
Martin: Hey, Fras, I've got an idea: Why doesn't Simon stay with us? Frasier drops the tray he's picked up.
Simon: Oh, that's very kind of you, Marty.
Frasier: Yes, well it is, except that, well I think there'll be more room right here at Niles'.
Niles: Oh, yes, although Frasier's apartment is closer to a pizza restaurant.
Frasier: Yes, but Niles' is closer to a liquor mart. Simon: Now, now, now I don't want you boys fightin' over me.
Niles: Dad, how many channels does that satellite of yours get?
Martin: Five hundred.
Simon: We have a winner! Frasier glares at Niles.
Daphne: Mum, your room's gonna be down that hallway on the left, if you'd like to freshen up.
Mrs. Moon: Oh, look who's the lady of the house. Spend a lot of time here, do you?
Simon: Are you kidding? She's probably had it off in every room.
Mrs. Moon: Simon Moon, bite your tongue! My baby girl's a virgin. Isn't that so, Daphne?
Daphne: Of course, Mum.
Mrs. Moon: It's you that'll have your leg over any filth that moves.
Simon: I don't care if they're moving. Simon and his mom share a laugh at this. [N.B. Mrs. Moon's insistence that Daphne is still a virgin does not jibe with her easily believing Daphne was pregnant in [7.24], "Something Borrowed, Someone Blue."]
Niles: Um, Daphne, can I see you in the kitchen for just a sec? Excuse me. They head off.
Simon: Should we stop at the supermarket on the way home? I'm very fond of those "Ham and Cheese Hot Pockets" that you had last year.
Martin: Oh, I keep those stocked. Everything's just like you remember.
Frasier: Well, there has been one small change: the liquor cabinet has a lock.
Simon: Well, my new moped had a lock, too.
CUT TO: the kitchen. Daphne: My mother is very old fashioned.
Niles: Well, if she thinks your a virgin, how are you going to explain our plan to live together?
Daphne: I wonder how important it is that she ever finds out.
Niles: What are you saying? We're just not going to tell her?
Daphne: Well, I can still get me mail at your brother's and me phone messages, and we can screen calls here.
Niles: That's ridiculous, we're adults. We're not going to sneak around like this.
Daphne: It's not forever. Mum's getting on in years and she smokes like a chimney. The oven timer rings and Daphne opens it to take out a pan.
Niles: Your mother really thinks you're still a virgin?
Daphne: Oh, Niles, who cares what Mum thinks? They kiss as Mrs. Moon comes in.
Mrs. Moon: Daphne... Daphne pulls back and lightly slaps the side of his head.
Daphne: Fresh! Niles looks confused and frustrated. FADE TO:
3265 INSULTS AND 5 DAYS LATER...
Scene 2 - Frasier's Apartment Fade in. Martin is in his chair, watching a game, Simon is on the couch.
Martin: Hey, you better not let Frasier see you wipe your hands on the couch. He's mad enough that you ate that stuff he puts on his face.
Simon: [pointing] I'm telling you, it was marmalade. The door opens and Frasier, Daphne, Niles, Roz and Mrs. Moon come in.
Frasier: Do you mind? Feet off the furniture.
Simon: You heard him, Eddie, get off, go on.
Daphne: He's talking to you.
Mrs. Moon: Daphne, dear, I've finally figured out what's wrong with your outfit: it's made for a smaller woman.
Niles: Now, hold on, I was there when she picked out that outfit, I think it's absolutely...
Roz: Thanks for dinner, Niles, it was really great.
Niles: You're welcome. Well, the best is still ahead. Wait 'til you taste the apple crisp that Daphne made for dessert.
Simon: Is that that delicious apple thing with crispy bits on top?
Daphne: We still have ice cream.
Simon: Oh, wow, this is getting embarrassing.
Daphne: Simon, how could you?
Simon: Well, the ice cream was Marty's idea!
Martin: Only the first bowl!
Mrs. Moon: Daphne, don't go picking' on your brother. I'll just have me tea. Niles, be a dear and get me a pillow for me head. As she sits on the couch, Niles stands and lifts a pillow.
Mrs. Moon: Oh, and I wouldn't get too settled in, you'll need to take me home soon so I can take me medicine.
Niles: I thought I suggested you bring that with you.
Mrs. Moon: Daphne, dear, aren't you lucky to be dating a man who's always right? Niles squeezes the pillow.
Frasier: I'll just go put the kettle on. He heads for the kitchen. Daphne: Mum, I wish you'd stop bossing everyone around.
Mrs. Moon: Oh, listen to my silly girl! If she knew how to deal with men, she'd have a husband by now. Niles swings the pillow back as if to hit her, but fluffs it and puts it down as she turns to him.
Niles: Pillow for you, here you go, you just rest your head and I'll see how Frasier's doing with the kettle. He heads for the kitchen. Simon walks over to the table where Roz is sitting.
Simon: Rose, you're looking fit. You know, I'd've gone too, if I'd known you were going to dinner. I hope you've left room for afters.
Roz: I have a boyfriend now, Simon, so you can just lay off. Simon: YOU WHAT?! I thought you would wait for my return. Oh, well, let's have another go then, for old time's sake.
Roz: We never had a go.
Simon: We didn't? Who was that, then?
CUT TO: the kitchen.
Niles: The last five days, that woman has made my life a living hell!
Frasier: You want to trade? Simon put my sixty-five dollar apricot skin polish on his muffins.
Niles: Simon is a boor. At least he's not cruel. You hear the way she talks to Daphne, and Daphne just takes it.
Frasier: Well, it's understandable, Niles. I mean, after all, she only sees her mother rarely. I suppose it's just easier to bite her tongue than to engage in some kind of ugly confrontation.
Niles: Well, maybe so, but it's just frustrating to see Daphne so timid. I wish she'd stand up for herself or stand up for us or I'll tell you: if she doesn't, I just might.
Frasier: Well, I'm sure she will when the time is right. Meanwhile, they are her family and our guests. Let's remember that.
Simon: [calling from the living room] Oi, Frasier, can I use this as an ashtray?
Frasier: Son of a BITCH! He rushes out.
CUT TO: the living room where Simon is tapping his cigarette into a vase.
Frasier: Do NOT use that, please. [hands her an empty can] Here, here.
Mrs. Moon: An empty can? I'd have thought with all your fancy dingle dangles you'd have something nicer for your guests who smoke.
Frasier: Yes, well customarily my guests who smoke do so on the balcony.
Mrs. Moon: [gets her own can] This is lovely, thank you. Simon sits down next to Roz again. She waves the smoke away.
Roz: Do you mind?!
Simon: Come on, Rose. We both know that this boyfriend thing is a ruse. You don't have to play hard to get with me.
Roz: I really do have a boyfriend.
Simon: Oh yeah? Roz: Yeah.
Simon: What's his name?
Roz: Roger.
Simon: What color is his hair?
Roz: Brown.
Simon: What's his name?
Roz: Roger. Simon: Is that the name you just said a minute ago? Martin gets up.
Martin: I think Eddie could use a walk.
Roz: I could use one too.
Martin: Uh, well, actually, I was just going across to the... Roz: [rushing] Yeah, that's great, I'd love to! She hurries them out the door.
Frasier: You know, I have an idea: let's have a toast.
Simon: Well, it's about bloody time!
Frasier: To my very favorite couple: Niles and Daphne. You don't know my brother very well, Mrs. Moon, but I assure you, he and your daughter share a boundless love. One that is sure to endure as long as that of my parents, and of yours and your husband's. Mrs. Moon begins to cry.
Simon: Oh, now you've dropped a clanger.
Daphne: What is it, Mum? Mrs. Moon: Oh, tell them, son.
Simon: Dad scarpered.
Daphne: He left?
Simon: Yeah.
Mrs. Moon: It's true.
Frasier: Dear God, I do apologize.
Daphne: Oh, Mum, it can't be! I'm sure he just got sidetracked on his way home from the pub.
Mrs. Moon: Well, I thought meself for the first week, but no, he's gone for good.
Simon: Oh, don't worry, Mum. Everything'll be all right when we get home.
Mrs. Moon: Oh, what's left for me there? An empty house full of memories? No, I'd rather stay right here, in the company of my babies. Thank goodness I have my children to lean upon.
Simon: Oh, don't cry, Mum. I really thought this junket to America would cheer you up.
Niles: Oh, well, it still can. Go away! The others looked shocked.
Niles: I mean, get out there and see the country.
Frasier: Yes, that is a splendid idea! This land is rich with snow- covered mountains, sun-kissed beaches, wild untamed rivers and a, a warm loving people ready to embrace you. Immerse yourself in the spectacle and the grandeur that are these United States, this America! Behind him, a massive American flag unfurls past the balcony.
Niles: How did you do that? Confused, Frasier turns to follow Niles' gaze. Seeing his balcony completely blocked in, he starts. Trembling, he puts his drink down.
Frasier: Cam Winston! He hurries to the door, grabs his keys and rushes out. Fade out.
TO BE CONTINUED
Credits: Martin is sitting at the breakfast table. Simon brings in two plates, giving one to him. Martin picks up a muffin and takes a bite and nods appreciatively. Simon pulls out the bottle of apricot skin cream. Martin looks disturbed for a minute, but keeps chewing. Reflectively, he holds the muffin out and Simon opens the tube to squeeze more on. | Plan: A: Frasier; Q: Who is furious when his parking space is encroached upon by Cam Winston? A: Elliott Bay Towers; Q: Where is Frasier's parking space located? A: the new SUV; Q: What is the name of the vehicle that encroaches on Frasier's parking space? A: Cam Winston; Q: Who is the neighbor who encroaches on Frasier's parking space? A: nemesis; Q: What is Cam Winston's nickname? A: the condo board; Q: Who does Frasier take his case to? A: his impassioned oration; Q: What persuades the condo board to rule that Cam Winston must park in the sub-basement? A: American; Q: What flag does Cam Winston use to get revenge on Frasier? A: a phonecall; Q: What did Daphne receive from her mother that caused her to postpone moving in with Niles? A: an impending visit; Q: What does Daphne's mother announce to her? A: the move; Q: What does Daphne postpone when she receives a phone call from her mother? A: a virgin; Q: What does Gertrude Moon believe Daphne to be? A: her husband; Q: Who did Gertrude Moon not bring with her to the Cranes' house? A: Simon; Q: Who is Daphne's brother? A: the next few days; Q: How long does it take for the Crane brothers to get over the loss of their mother? A: a terrible time; Q: What do the Crane brothers have to endure? Summary: Frasier is furious when he finds his parking space in Elliott Bay Towers encroached upon by the new SUV belonging to Cam Winston, his neighbor and nemesis. He takes the case to the condo board, and is delighted when his impassioned oration persuades them to rule that Cam must park in the sub-basement. However, Cam lives in the apartment above Frasier's, and he devises a suitable method of revenge, involving the American flag . Niles asks Daphne to move in with him, and she eagerly accepts, but when she receives a phonecall from her mother announcing an impending visit, she asks that the move be postponed. When Gertrude Moon arrives, Niles discovers why: she still believes Daphne to be a virgin. Rather than bring her husband, Gertrude turns up with Simon, Daphne's brother. For the next few days, both Crane brothers have a terrible time to endure, as Gertrude stays with Niles and Simon with Frasier. |
[Ted's Porno Academy. He's got himself an assistant now, named Eddie. Michael and Brian walk slowly through the poorly lit warehouse, watching the different rooms of s*x as Ted shouts out orders.]
Ted: That's it, Prison Cell! Really give it to him! Remember he's in for ten years hard labor! The guys in the elevator. Yeah, don't let us members down. Keep it up. Michael, don't across in front of the camera, thanks. Keep it liquid.
Michael: Can I ask you a question, Ted?
Ted: Shoot! [to one of his boys] Not you!
Michael: How do you get any work done with all these hot, horny guys surrounding you?
Brian: Yeah, if I were here, I would run with a permanent boner.
Michael: Thought you already did!
Ted: Hot and horny action IS my work. Uh, it's like a dream come true.
Michael: I can guess what kind of dream.
Brian: You have ever though that you, Theodore Schmidt, loser and reject putz, lined up with the luckiest fucker in the world.
Ted: Do I detect a note of envy, Bri?
Brian: I better get back to work. I have a new account. Baby wipes.
Michael: Yeah, I got some comic books unpack and filing.
Ted: Thank you, Eddie. As for me got rim-bo-rama, to the five, got dildo days. From six to nine. Lets get your boys back on your liveless lucky lives.
Michael: Trying to get back.
Brian: Fucker!
[Justin and Ethan sittin' in a futon.]
Justin: You know you make love like you play your violin?
Ethan: You are my instrument. First I tune you. And then I stroke you with my bow. And then I make beautiful sounds pour out of you.
Justin: I have to go.
[He pulls on his pants. Ethan watches]
Ethan: You have big plans tonight?
Justin: Oh yeah, a day with copier boy. I make posters for my comic book.
Ethan: Sounds awesome.
Justin: I want to publize all over Liberty Avenue.
Ethan: Maybe we could work together. I fiddle and you peddle.
Justin: Sounds nice.
Ethan: If you stayed some time, we could wake up together, watch the sunrise, makes everything nice and slow.
[Justin leaves without a response.]
[Straight guys like bowling. So Debbie's out with her straight boyfriend and his straight friends as they bowl. One straight guy's girlfriend coos and kisses him when he gets a strike.]
Carl: Hey, how come when I got a strike I didn't get one of those?
Debbie: Hey Donner, how come when Horvath get a strike he didn't get one of those?
Carl: Come here.
[He pulls Debbie in and tries to kiss her, but Debbie pushes him away.]
Debbie: My turn.
[The guy in the next lane is an Emmett lookalike.]
Debbie: I love your balls.
Guy: Thanks.
[As Debbie celebrates her strike, the other straight guys start prancing around, making fun of the gay couple in the next lane. Horvath is very uncomfortable as his friends all mock the people next to them.]
Debbie: Excuse me! But they have a really great gay bowlers.
Man: Name one.
Debbie: I named more than one. We have our own gay bowling team right here in Pittsburgh. The Liberty Balls.
Man: Hey, bring 'them on.
Carl: Could we get back to bowling?
Debbie: Anytime, anywhere.
Man: How about here friday night?
Man#2: Cops against the queers.
Carl: Forget it. It's a bad idea.
Debbie: Why? They're gonna kick your ass?
Man: Trust me, it would not be my ass!
[The bedroom of the two Lesbos. Mel's still licking as Lindsay starts up a conversation.]
Lindsay: I'm gonna afraid... we're gonna do this again...
[Mel climbs back up to Lindsay's head]
Mel: Leda was right. We're gonna use a jumpstart.
Lindsay: She jerked us alright.
Mel: I'm glad what happen happened. And it make my realise, despite ups and downs, you're still the one I ever wanted you.
Lindsay: Oh, Mel.
[They kiss and grind some more. Then Leda -- who's never ever heard of knocking, apparently -- just walks right into the room.]
Leda: Hey, girls.
Mel: Leda...
Lindsay: Hi.
Leda: I heard the floorboards squeaking over here... and I figured since you're gonna up. Why we have a little slumber party? Just us girls!
[She starts kissing them. Then Gus begins to cry.]
Lindsay: Oh gosh, there is Gus.
[Lindsay goes away.]
Mel: I... I better go see what's wrong.
[Mel leaves the bed.]
[Ted's porno imperium. Eddie sits and cleans penises.]
Ted: Thanks for good days jerk. There you go, for you. [He handing out paychecks.] Stanley, thanks for good days jerk.
[All men leaves. Eddie's alone with Ted.]
Eddie: I don't get it, Mr. Schmidt.
Ted: Get what, Eddie?
Eddie: I've overheard you're telling your friends that's like a dreams came through with all those hot and horny guys. And yet, when all walked by you barely looked up.
Ted: Yeah, I'll passing out paychecks. I make sure the name went with the dick.
Eddie: But what about the other night?
Ted: Other night?
Eddie: Don't you remember? Dueling Dicks: Twelve hours of non-stop J/O action.
Ted: Oh, right.
Eddie: It'll be the p0rn adventure of the century and you just sat there, doin' your books - Didn't look up through the whole thing! Not once!
Ted: Well, that's... really observing, Eddie, but you have to understand this is work and I'm the boss. By the professional demeanor. However, this isn't meaning I doesn't love every minute of it.
Eddie: Well, if you don't need me for anything else...mind if I take off?
Ted: Well, go ahead. I'll lock up.
Eddie: Thanks, Mr.Schmidt. See you tomorrow.
[Eddie leaves and Ted's alone. Ted muses for a minute and a half and then cues something up on his computer. It launches some p0rn on another screen. Ted watches. Nothing happens. Ted finally shuts it off and stares at nothing.]
[Brian's loft. Brian just installed an overhead desk spotlight and spinny cam. Justin comes home.]
Justin: You're working late.
Brian: Well, that's for one benefits for being a partner. You've someone something to do and they f*ck it up. And then you got to do it yourself.
Justin: You asked for it.
Brian: Yeah. And I got it. Where have you been?
Justin: Studying. And I have to get these. [He shows Brian the Rage poster he made.] What do you think?
Brian: My own little advertising genius! I told you, I help you.
Justin: You're too busy.
Brian: C'me here.
Justin: I need to shower. I stink.
Brian: From studying?
Justin: Sweating over a project.
[Justin's in the shower. Brian walks into the shower with him.]
Justin: You scared me.
Brian: Relax. It's not that kind of a shower scene.
Justin: I thoughed you had work to do.
Brian: Well, I'm gonna be sweaty to.
[Brian and Justin start kissing. Justin stops.]
Justin: Brian?
[But then he chickens out and says nothing. Justin turns around and Brian pulls a condom. Justin's hand slides down the shower Titanic-style.]
[Mel and Lindsay are wearing winter coats. They're walking him in a stroller.]
Mel: Thank god he start to crying.
Lindsay: I'm never been so happy he start to creams.
Mel: Unfortunately we can't account to save us next time she show up and dive in.
Lindsay: We can always lock the bedrooms door. [Mel laughs] I'm serious. We must set up something.
Mel: The problem is - she doesn't realise it's a one-time thing.
Lindsay: How can she known it's just a spontaneous I-don't-know- how-the-hell-is-it-happen-but- they-are-doin'-it-the-whole-time -thing!
Mel: We just need to be honest with her.
Lindsay: OK. You do it.
Mel: Me? What about you?
Lindsay: I know, but you're much better at rejecting people than I am.
Mel: Excuse me?
Lindsay: I mean this in the highest form of prayers. I mean you're great when it comes to firing the sitters or saying "no" to telephon commercials.
Mel: That's a lot more difficult than telling the Salvation Army to take a hike. Leda is a dear friend, not only that. She's doin' us a big favor.
Lindsay: Hey, that's it. The deal was she could stay with us and working at the studio, right?
Mel: Right.
Lindsay: The studio is practically done. So, we're saying in a couple of days...
Mel: Our problems moves out with her.
[At the street - Michael and Justin staple Rage posters to walls of buildings. Justin is suddenly distracted when he hears the scratchy fiddles of his adulterous theme song. ]
Justin: Uh, we're posting faster if you slit up. I'll get the other side of the street.
Michael: Good idea.
[Justin runs right up to Ethan. They stand way too close.]
Justin: Hey, how's goin'?
Ethan: Uh, business is a little slow, but I have one devoted fan was here.
Justin: Thanks.
Ethan: Not you - Berta. She never misses a performance. [He bows to a Homeless woman.] What do you got there?
Justin: Posters.
Ethan: Uh, for your comic book. "Rage"!
Justin: I'm hoping it will sell enough to pay for tuition next year.
Ethan: Well, you never know. I hear the guys who did X-Men made a fortune. Hey, you wanna go to get a latte?
Justin: I can't. I had to hang these up.
Ethan: OK, can we see for the weekend? We could see a movie like French films.
Justin: I've never been to one.
Ethan: Never been? Peasant. The student film society has a film - they showing "Jules and Jim" - A story about two men in love with the same woman. Only if you've noticed her name isn't in the title.
Justin: It's hard enough loving one person.
Ethan: If you're the other one in love with, then you can both break their hearts.
[Justin and Ethan mug down as Michael watches from close by.]
[Woody's. Ted drowns his sorrows in a tiny drink. Brian walks over.]
Brian: Hey p0rn king, what do you doin' here admist the serfs?
Ted: f*ck off!
Brian: Now, is that nice? Here I am actually giving you the time of day and all you can do is level a rather pedestrian curse at me.
[Brian starts to leave.]
Ted: Hey Brian, wait. Come, have a drink, on me. [to the bar] Couple of Dewars!
Brian: So serious tonight?
Ted: The unthinkable is happen.
Brian: Ted Schmidt woke one morning from fithful dreams to find himself transformed into a giant v*g1n*.
Ted: Worse. I'm... immune.
Brian: To penicillin? To clever literary references?
Ted: To p0rn! This has no effect on me! Zero! Nada! I'm totally desinterested in.
Brian: You know what they've say. Too much of a good thing...
Ted: This is not helping. I've seen all my wildest fantasies fulfilled, live and uncensored, right before my eyes, over and over and over...
Brian: I've got it!
Ted: So, maybe I should some lay off some while and give it a rest.
Brian: Maybe you should stop watching it and do! What's your most secret sexual fantasy?
Ted: Are you crazy?! I didn't tell you that. If I tell you, promised me not to behave me like a fool.
Brian: No, I'm not.
[Ted pulls Brian back, takes a shot, and whispers his fantasy into Brian's ear.]
Brian: I may have seriously underestimated you, Theodore.
[Back at the bowling center. Emmett just bowled.]
Emmett: Look it! I've got it all twelve!
Debbie: The next time, honey, trying to do it at your lane.
Michael: I'll tell you, mom, this match is the worst idea you're ever had.
Debbie: What I'm supposed to do? Get them away with making funny at the gay bowlers?
Brian: We do...
Debbie: Yeah, but they're cops. They should be have a higher standard.
Lindsay: We're just fine. All we need is a little practise.
Vic: That's right.
[Brian bowles a strike.]
Vic: Then practise makes perfect!
Justin: Brian already is perfect.
Michael: Glad you think so.
Emmett: Yeah, with a little bit practise I'll be perfect to.
[Lindsay bowls ten pins. Next is Ben. He got a strike.]
Debbie: Whew! Welcome in the Team Homo!
Ben: Debbie, you're already full out.
Debbie: Yeah, well, we're lost a player. Emmett, you're off the team.
Emmett: Whatever happened to, "It's not wheater you're win or loose. It's how you pull the game."?
Debbie: Well, these needs to be re-write.
Michael: Sorry, mom, he just got out of the hospital! It's too soon.
Ben: Michael, I'm fine.
Michael: I would like you to stay that way. You've shouldn't you been doin' any physically strength.
Brian: You hear that, Professor? No more heavy butt action!
Michael: C'mon!
Brian: It's what you've said.
Debbie: For Christ sakes, Michael, you're not his mother. This is my job. He says he feels fine.
Michael: He's not bowling and that's final.
Emmett: Well, I guess I'm on the team, wheater Her majecty likes it or not.
[Outside the bowling alley. Horvath walk up.]
Debbie: What are you're doin' here? Checking out the competition?
Carl: We're checking it out real closely. I like what I've see. Hi, Vic.
[They leaving Carl and Debbie alone.]
Carl: For ones we can be alone.
Debbie: Oh, my kid's staying right there.
Carl: I just want you give you a little kiss. How we're go up for a drink?
Debbie: I can't. I was heading with the guys . We're strategizing for the game.
Carl: Go ahead. I won't keep you. Considering what a expert you are in games.
Debbie: Pardon?
Carl: Forget it.
Debbie: How can you say something like that and then say 'Forget it'?
Carl: I'm a detective. I'm know how to read people and you're coming through load and clear.
Debbie: Well, I wish you were.
Carl: Everytime I tried to get a little friendly, you shoot me down.
Debbie: No, I told you...
Carl: Can't leave your team. But it wasn't this you've be stuffing envelopes for P-FLAG or marching for gay rights or some other excuse not to get close.
Debbie: That's bullshit. You don't even know me.
Carl: Who do we have to thank for that?
[He walks away.]
[At home with Michael and Ben. In the bedroom.]
Ben: You're making too big a deal.
Michael: Too big a deal? You practically DIED!
Ben: Yeah, but I didn't and I'm still here.
Michael: Yeah, I'm still wake up in the middle of the night to listen to your breathe. Just to be sure. I don't want you anything happens.
Ben: It's that important you can bet my ass. Now stop worrying!
Michael: I can't help it. I have the genes of my italian mother in my blood.
Ben: So, that's why you can cook.
Michael: I worry about everyone one. I'm worry about Vic, I'm worry about Ted and Emmett, I worry about Brian and Justin.
Ben: What is their problem? With hot trick they've gonna f*ck the next?
Michael: I saw Justin kissing some other guy.
Ben: Michael, I kiss guys all the time.
Michael: You do?
Ben: Yeah, I'm kiss them hello, I kiss them goodbye...
Michael: It wasn't this kind of a kiss.
[Michael gives Ben a soul kiss.]
Michael: It's was that kind of a kiss.
Ben: OK, does... does he know that you've saw him?
Michael: I was across the street. So, do I do tell Brian or not?
Ben: Absolutely not.
Michael: What? Is that Rule #2 of gay etiquette: never tell your best friend that his boyfriend is cheating on him?
Ben: If you were wrong, we would be furious.
Michael: And if I'm right?
Ben: He'll be even furiouser.
Michael: I'm loses either way.
Ben: You're not gonna lay here all night worring.
Michael: I told you, it's genetic.
[Brian's loft. Chemical Brothers plays as we see Brian's shell bracelet. An arm lifts a bottle of Evian in slow motion. But what's this? It's not Brian; it's Ted, dressed as Brian. He takes a sip of water and spills the rest over his head. He shakes his head vigorously in slow motion. He does a popper. He walks over to the bed, where there's a man orgy going on. He climbs onto the bed and stands as the group of men start pulling off his clothes, sucking his body and going to town on him. Blue light special. Asses and arms. Heads and thighs.]
[Next day. They're in Emmett's clothing shop.]
Ted: It was incredible.
Brian: Boys behaved themselves?
Ted: Misbehaved, is more like it. It's just what I'm need it. I really good my groove back.
Brian: Groovie.
Ted: How can I ever thank you?
Brian: You can't. What's new here?
Emmett: Twinks, stud and bear.
Brian: I'll take a stud.
Ted: Make it two.
Brian: By the way, are you forgetting something?
Ted: Oh, right!
[Ted gives Brian back his bracelet. Brian goes away.]
Emmett: So, what was that all about? And that are you're doin with Brian's bracelet?
Ted: Never mind.
Emmett: Teddy, since when do we keep secrets? And since we're share things with Brian that you're not share with me?
Ted: I borrow it. Briefly. Along with his life. I wanted to see what's like to be him.
Emmett: Dish!
[Cut back to yesterday in Brian's loft. The water bottle lifts again. This time when Ted drops it over his face he sputters and chokes. The popper burns his nose. He stammers and slides around.]
Ted: You guys are slippery.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Cut back in the past.]
Ted: It was awful, empty, meaningless.
Emmett: Wow, you really were Brian.
Ted: It was my all-time Nr.#1 fantasy. Now it's gone and what have left?
Emmett: Hey, try this on. After a while dreams wear thin, then you're realise you need something more.
Ted: I was hope I find that with Luke.
Emmett: Yeah, he was a sweet boy. But he couldn't accept you who you are. You're finding with someone else.
Ted: Yeah, right(!)
Emmett: Love comes at the strangest time in the strangest ways. It'll happen for you. Just wait and see.
[Em puts his arm around Ted.]
[The attic of the girls. Leda show them.]
Leda: Ready? What do you think?
Lindsay: Oh my god!
Mel: It's gorgious.
Lindsay: It's every where I'm dreamed off.
[Leda pours wine.]
Leda: Time for a toast. To making art. To making your friends happy. And to making love.
[Lindsay and Mel barely toast.]
Mel: Well, now it's the work done you're moving on, right?
Lindsay: We're hate you let you go.
Leda: Actually I've been thinking. It wouldn't take much work to turn your garage into a nice little guest room. In case someone wanted to come for visite or even stick around. In fact, It might gonna consider to give it to a special friend.
Lindsay: Leda, wait. What happened between us, meaningful it have been was a one time thing. But it's nothing we would wish to continue.
Mel: Right, Leda so thanks for everything. We've really loved having you here.
Leda: I, uh, understand.
Mel: That's a relief.
Leda: First I renovate your attic and then I renovate your s*x life. And then it's 'So long, Leda'?
Lindsay: That's not what we meant.
Leda: That's how it sounded.
[Leda puts down her glass and goes away.]
[Babylon. Music. Lights. Dancing. Michael wanders around looking for Brian. He finds him on the catwalk.]
Michael: I thoughed I find you here.
Brian: Why aren't you at Ben's, taking care of the invalid?
Michael: He's doin' great.
Brian: Everybody can use a hand.
Michael: Where's Justin?
Brian: He's at home and doin' his project.
[We see Justin "doing" his "project" with Ethan in bed.]
[Back to Babylon.]
Michael: I ask because I called you at home and there was no answer.
Brian: Well I guess he's not taking up or maybe he went out.
Michael: You guys won't tell each other where you're goin' or what you've doin? I'm just asking.
Brian: We're not in a hotel. You don't have to sign out and call the doorman where you go about.
Michael: OK, ok, you're free to come and go. Don't you ever wonder what he's doin' when you're not around?
Brian: I know what he's doin'!
Michael: And it doesn't bother you?
Brian: He's nineteen, for Christ sakes! When I was in his age I was out f*cking everything that moved to.
Michael: You're still are!
[The violin punctuates this conversation. We watch Justin and Ethan in a loving montage. Justin draws Ethan as he plays.]
[Back to Babylon.]
Brian: So, why should I have a problem when he has a little fun?
Michael: What if it was more than that? What if...
Brian: What if what!?
Michael: What if... someone else? Someone he was seeing and you don't know about? You're be okay with that, too?
Brian: He doesn't owe me anything.
Michael: What about the truth?
[Back to Ethan. Justin and Ethan keep making out, touching each other and holding hands as the violin keeps playing. We watch Brian at Babylon but hear the violin come to a close as Justin's world changes from the blue-light anonymous bump and grind of Babylon to the solitary melody of the romantic violin.]
[In front of the house from Mel and Linds. Leda will taking off with her motorcycle.]
Mel: You're find a place?
Leda: Lucky Leda finds a home at feed. Like you give a sh1t.
Mel: As a matter of fact I do. I feel terrible that...
Leda: That you've turned into a proper, dignified, hypocritical bitch?
Mel: I was going to say that we're hurt you.
Leda: You can try to say sweet and happy phrase but you don't fool me. I was there.
Mel: We're don't saying that the s*x wasn't great. That's not the problem.
Leda: Frankly I'm not interested to hear any more of your problems.
Mel: Linds and I... were a couple. And that means there is no room in our life or bed for a third party, no matter how much we may care for her.
Leda: Being with you guys was nice. It broughed back a lot of memories.
Mel: Me too.
Leda: And seeing you and Lindsay how great you guys are together I couldn't help somehow I could be a part of it. It's just... you know sometimes it gets a little lonely. You're lucky, Mel. You know that?
Mel: Maybe it's time to find someone on your own.
Leda: I might just do that, babe. I might just do that. Well I better keep goin'. You give Lindsay a big sloppy soul kiss from me, would you?
[She kisses Mel, puts on her helmet, and starts up the bike.]
Mel: Will do. Be sure you don't cross the line. Lets us know where you at!
Leda: Don't I always?
[Bowling center. Lindsay bowls. She leaves two pins. Everyone cheers.]
Carl: No way she's gonna make a dime store split.
Debbie: Sure she make it.
Carl: Yeah, sure.
Debbie: That's what you've think.
[Everyone cheers Lindsay on.]
Lindsay: Please shut the f*ck up! Thank you.
[Just as Lindsay releases the ball, Horvath makes a coughing noise, causing Lindsay to gutter ball. The straights laugh.]
Carl: Some of the greatest bowlers are gay. Not in this bunch.
Debbie: That's not your fault. [to Carl] He divert you from the game of make that noise.
Carl: What noise?
Debbie: That think you do with your throat.
Carl: It's called breathing.
Debbie: Well, knock it off!
[It's Carls turn. On his first attempt he left three pins. On his second release, Debbie fakes a sneeze, which f*cks up Horvath's release.]
Debbie: It's called sneezing.
[Horvath picks up the spare anyway.]
Brian: Well, you might as well kiss this game goodbye.
Debbie: You can save your kisses. We're still got one frame left.
Michael: C'mon, Emm. You can do it.
Ted: You only need three strikes on the road.
Emmett: OK, three stikes.
[Emmett almost bowls the wrong lane. So, Emmett pretends to hurt his wrist.]
Emmett: Oh, I hurt my wrist. See how it's hanging like that?
Brian: This doesn't look much different to me.
Debbie: Ben!
Ben: Debbie, I'm sorry. I can't.
Debbie: It's okay. I understand.
Michael: [to Ben] What kind of loser attitude is that?
Ben: Michael, you've said ...
Michael: How do you feel?
Ben: I feel fine.
Michael: Then get out there. Queer is everywhere.
Debbie: Alright to Liberty Balls! We're making a subsitution.
Carl: Wait a minute, he's not on the team.
Debbie: We can do it in Baseball, so we can do it in bowling.
Carl: What?
Debbie: 1968 the Pirates and the Reds? The Pirates need a pinch hitter so they do Fernando Guietteres off the injury list, which means he was not on the team at the time they've send him in. I'm sure your sports fans remember that.
Man#1: We don't even know he's gay!
Debbie: Oh, c'mon!
[Ben and Michael mug down.]
Man#2: Oh. That'd be gay.
Carl: OK, he qualified. Let's ball.
[Ben gets to play.]
Vic: Fascinating sports fan this Vernando Guietteres. But since when does our mailman do professional baseball?
Debbie: Straight guys doesn't even know their sports.
[Ben bowls a strike. Ben bowls another strike. After the last, third passes, there's still one pin standing. That means the straight wins.]
Debbie: One f*cking pin! It's hardly a victory. Next time you're gonna ream their asses.
Brian: Let's stick to bowling, shall we?
[Everyone shakes hands. Dejected Emmett sits alone. Nobody cares about his gimp wrist. Ted sits down next to Emmett.]
Ted: Em?
Emmett: I let the team down.
Ted: No, you didn't. It's the spirit that matters, not the score. AND you had by fare the most fabulous sportswear...
Emmett: Really?
Ted: Absolutely. The way the shoes match with the shirt. Inspiring.
Emmett: OK, you know what Ted Schmidt?
Ted: What?
Emmett: I love you.
[He kisses Ted.]
[Woody's.]
Debbie: To the Liberty Balls.
Vic: Long may they hang.
[Everybody toasts as Horvath walks in.]
Debbie: Come to gloat?
Carl: Come to offer my congratulations.
Debbie: Why? You're team won.
Carl: Not that much. You guys are great.
Debbie: Hey, Horvath! Doesn't the winner by the loosers a drink? Don't flatter yourself. Nobody here's interested in you. Except me.
[They make out. Everybody has a mixture of disgust and happiness at the sight. Michael looks away and covers his eyes.]
Emmett: A straight kiss at Woody's. That's gotta be a first.
Ted: I guess people really do find love in this place.
Emmett: What about you, Teddy? You see anybody here that make your heart bumping?
Ted: Well, maybe.
Emmett: Yeah? Who? Who?
Ted: To soon to tell.
[At the bar.]
Michael: I'm going to pretend I didn't just see my mother sticking her tongue down Horvath's throat.
Brian: Well, while you're at it, pretend she won't be blowing him later in the back of his patrol car.
Michael: It's too bad Justin couldn't be here tonight.
Brian: I'm out of here.
Ben: You told him, didn't you?
Michael: He didn't seem to care.
[Justin's still humming the song of Ethan's hummers as he flops into the loft. Brian's there.]
Justin: Jesus, Brian. I thoughed you were bowling.
Brian: Games over.
Justin: How did you do?
Brian: We're cheers to the winners.
Justin: Way to go.
Brian: It wasn't us. Where you're goin'?
Justin: Take a shower.
Brian: You sure take a lot of showers lately. C'mon here.
Justin: Later.
Brian: Now.
Justin: Can't we do after that?
Brian: I like smelling you, not soap.
[They start kissing. Pretty passionately. They fall to their knees as they rip off their clothes. Brian's on top of Justin. He swats Justin's hands away from his pants. He does it himself.]
Brian: You like that?
Justin: Yes.
[He pulls away from Justin. He sniffs.]
Justin: Why you just stop? Brian?
Brian: Go shower. You stink.
[Brian walks away. Justin gets up. Fade out.]
Music: Sarah McLachlan - # Plenty lyrics I looked into your eyes they told me plenty I already knew you never felt a thing so soon forgotten all that you do in more than words I tried to tell you the more I tried I failed I would not let myself believe that you might stray and I would stand by you no matter what they'd say, I would have thought I'd be with you until my dying day until my dying day | Plan: A: Michael; Q: Who is tempted to expose Justin's affair with Ethan to Brian? A: porn; Q: What has Ted become immune to? A: Leda; Q: Who do Melanie and Lindsay ask to leave? A: Bowling Showdown; Q: What is the name of the game show that pits cops against queers? A: Cops; Q: Who is going to bowl against the Queers? Summary: Michael is tempted to expose Justin's affair with Ethan to Brian. Ted's become immune to porn. Melanie and Lindsay ask Leda to leave. Bowling Showdown: Cops vs. Queers! |
[EXT. VARIOUS LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - NIGHT]
[EXT. ALLEYWAY -- NIGHT]
(A man walks through the alleyway. He stops midway and drops the cigarette he's smoking down on the concrete pavement. He smashes the butt out with the toe of his right foot.)
(He takes a couple of steps, turns, then reaches down to pick up the cigarette butt. He pockets the butt, then continues walking quickly through the alleyway.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[EXT. BUILDING -- NIGHT]
(The man in the jacket climbs up the fire escape stairs to a building behind a large screen billboard.)
(He reaches the room he's looking for and stops. He slips a thin, long piece of metal through the crack in the window and pushes the latch open.)
[EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - NASH'S ROOM - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS]
(The man climbs through the open window and into the bedroom where a man is sleeping. The lamp on the bedside table is on.)
(Karl Cooper shuts the window closed, picks up a chair and puts it down near the bed. He sits down, places his foot on the bed and unmercifully shakes it, waking the sleeping man.)
Clayton Nash: Red. Hey. (He chuckles nervously.) You look good, man. It's been a while, hasn't it? Haven't seen you forever. Of course, you know that better than anybody.
("Red" doesn't say anything.)
Clayton Nash: I'm ... surprised to see you here. Actually, you know what, I'm not that surprised. Listen, I'm glad you dropped by, 'cause there's something I've been meaning to talk to you about.
("Red" raises his gun and points it at Nash.)
Clayton Nash: You know, I-I just wanted to say ...
(He fires twice and hits Nash in the chest.)
("Red" gets up and walks close to Nash. He fires again.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[EXT. ALLEY - NIGHT - 2:36 A.M.]
("Red" heads for his parked car. He gets inside and fastens his seat belt. He adjusts the rearview mirror. It's 2:36 A.M. He flips the radio on to FM1 station 87.9.)
(He starts the car engine and drives out of the alleyway.)
[INT. CAR (MOVING) - LATE NIGHT]
(The light a the end of the alley is red. "Red" stops. The light turns green. As he drives across the intersection, a second car zooms out of nowhere and hits him on the side.)
(The two cars stop.)
(Ally Sullivan gasps as her airbag inflates upon impact.)
Ally Sullivan: Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
(She gets out of the car to check on the other driver. She stumbles out of her car, obviously a little drunk.)
Ally Sullivan: Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
("Red" groans.)
Ally Sullivan: Are you ... are you okay?
Karl Cooper: Huh? (He looks at her.) Yeah, yeah, I'm ... I'm okay. I'm okay.
(He opens the car door and groans as he gets out.)
Ally Sullivan: I-I am so sorry. I was on the phone, and I was going too fast, and I just ...
("Red" stands up and doesn't look too good.)
Ally Sullivan: Oh, God, um ... I'm going to call 911, and I'm going get you an ambulance.
Karl Cooper: I'm fine, honest, I am.
Ally Sullivan: Okay.
Karl Cooper: Really, it's nothing.
Ally Sullivan: At least, can I just ... I'm going to call the police and make a police report.
Karl Cooper: I'd really rather you not do that. I'll tell you why. I don't, uh, I don't have any insurance.
Ally Sullivan: No, no, no. That's okay. I do. Look, it was my fault; I know that. And that is exactly what I will tell them. My dad just said, if I ever got into an accident that I had to make a police report.
Karl Cooper: Can I tell you something, sweetheart? You're drunk right now, okay? And you hit me. Now, that's a DUI, and if you call the police, they're going to take your license away, and they're going to throw you in jail. Now, what I'd like you to do is get in your car, drive yourself home and forget that this ever happened. Can you do that?
(She hesitates.)
Karl Cooper: I'm fine. Go on. I'm fine, honest, I promise. You go.
Ally Sullivan: Okay.
(Ally Sullivan turns and heads back to her car. Karl Cooper turns, groans as he heads back to his car.)
(Through the side view mirror, he sees Ally take out her cell phone and dial.)
(He closes his eyes and shakes his head. He turns around as he makes a decision.)
WHITE FLASH TO:
[EXT. ROADWAY - NIGHT]
(Cameras flash as photos are taken of Ally Sullivan's dead body.)
(Grissom and Sara stand nearby as David Phillips kneels down next to the body, writing on a clipboard. Brass stands just behind David Phillips.)
Brass: Her name is Ally Sullivan. She's the registered owner. Patrol unit investigating the wreck found the body. So far, we have nothing on the other car.
(Grissom turns and notes the deflated air bag.)
Sara: Where's the nearest traffic camera?
Brass: Four blocks north. We've been pulling bodies out of this neighborhood twice a month, it seems like.
Grissom: I think that's actually an improvement.
Brass: Yeah. Well, it's a cold night. I'm going to get you some coffee and donuts.
(Brass leaves. Grissom and Sara both kneel down near the body. They note the open cell phone in her left hand.)
(Grissom picks up the cell phone.)
Grissom: Nine-nine-nine ... five-five-two.
Sara: Most people would have called 911.
(David pulls away Ally's collar and notes the bruising underneath.)
David Phillips: Well, there's a seat-belt contusion on her shoulder.
Sara: So ... She survives the crash. She gets out of the car, she dies on the street?
Grissom: Internal injuries maybe.
Sara: Maybe.
Grissom: How'd the car end up in this position? It looks like she caused the wreck.
[INT. COOPER RESIDENCE - BATHROOM -- NIGHT]
(Karl Cooper wipes the steam off the bathroom mirror with the palm of his hand and looks at his reflection in the mirror.)
Sara: (V.O.) Usually, the guy who hits is the guy who runs.
(He leans over the sink and splashes water on his clean-shaven face.)
Grissom: (V.O.) Well, either way, they left the scene, so it's still a hit-and-run. And this girl's dead. So, we may have a murderer.
(He turns the water off and dabs his face dry with a towel.)
[INT. COOPER RESIDENCE - BEDROOM - NIGHT -- CONTINUOUS]
(He puts the towel on the sink, turns and heads back into the bedroom. His wife, Janice is sleeping.)
(He slips into bed behind her. She sighs.)
Janice Cooper: It's late. I was worried.
Karl Cooper: Sorry.
(She grabs his hand and pulls his arm around her.)
Janice Cooper: Love you.
(Camera rises up and we see that Karl Cooper is "Red" without the beard.)
Karl Cooper: I love you, too.
SMASH CUT TO END OF TEASER ROLL TITLE CREDITS
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - BRASS' OFFICE -- NIGHT]
(Brass speaks with Mr. Sullivan, Ally's father.)
Jack Sullivan: Ally was out late all the time. I never worried about her.
Brass: She liked nightclubs?
(The conversation continues in voice over.)
INTERCUT WITH:
[INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY - NIGHT]
(Grissom examines Ally's hands while using an ALS.)
Jack Sullivan: (V.O.) She liked the club business. She wasn't a party girl.
INTERCUT WITH:
[INT. CSI - GARAGE - NIGHT]
(Sara pus on a pair of latex gloves and heads over to the car.)
Jack Sullivan: (V.O.) She wanted to be a VIP hostess.
(We hear a camera shutter snapping.)
(Mr. Sullivan continues.)
Jack Sullivan: Way you do that in this town is you ... get your face out there, ...
(In Forensic Autopsy, Grissom is using the ALS while examining Ally Sullivan's clothes.)
Jack Sullivan: (V.O.) ... meet the right people, ...
(Grissom leans in close and examines her magnate necklace.)
Jack Sullivan: (V.O.) ... be seen.
(He sees some fibers caught on her necklace.)
(In the garage, Sara dusts the windshield. She takes a tape lift of the prints.)
Jack Sullivan: (V.O.) I taught her to be responsible. If there was an accident, call the police. Help anyone who needed it.
(Sara looks at the print she just lifted.)
(Mr. Sullivan continues.)
Jack Sullivan: I'd say to her all the time, no matter how pretty you are today, someday, all that will be gone. She knew that.
(In the garage, Sara scrapes samples and puts it in a bindle.)
Jack Sullivan: (V.O.) She knew she had to treat people with respect.
(Sara takes a photo of the clear plastic cup in the front seat.)
Jack Sullivan: (V.O.) She always did the right thing; that's why I don't get it.
(Sara puts the camera aside and dusts the side of the plastic cup for prints.)
(Mr. Sullivan finishes.)
Jack Sullivan: Whoever was in the other car ... I don't care why they left. All they had to do was call an ambulance instead of leaving her there to die.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY - NIGHT]
(Robbins goes over the findings with Grissom.)
Robbins: C.O.D. was hyper-extension of the neck with a rotational snap, resulting in a ruptured vertebral artery, mid-cervical.
Grissom: (surprised) Mid?
Robbins: Yeah.
Grissom: Most MVA's break down low or up high, don't they?
Robbins: That's why I don't think the accident did it. The injury was more consistent with a stranglehold.
(Quick flashback to: [NIGHT] Karl Cooper has his arm around Ally Sullivan's neck. She struggles against him.)
(Camera zooms in through Ally's mouth for a CGI POV of: Her spinal column is twisted around and snaps.)
Robbins: (V.O.) The head was rapidly twisted relative to the spinal column.
(End of CGI. Ally passes out.)
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Robbins: She would have been dead within a minute. Whoever killed this poor kid knew what they were doing.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. COOPER RESIDENCE - KITCHEN -- DAY]
(Kyle Cooper chops bell peppers on the cutting board. He glances at the article in the paper with the headline, "Local Party Girl Slain", by Ruben Munoz, Review-Journal. He stops and stares at the photo of the covered body beside the smashed car.)
(A portion of the article reads: ... survived by her father Jack ... ... anyone with information ... ... can call LVPD at 800 ... ... car dealers have ...
(Karl's daughter,Maddy sits on the counter and is stirring the bowl of eggs with a whisk.)
Maddy Cooper: I don't like gruyere, daddy.
Karl Cooper: No gruyere in it, sweetie; I promise. All right, egg me.
(Maddy laughs, picks up the egg and cracks it on the side of the bowl. Janice walks in.)
Maddy Cooper: Hello, Mommy. I'm cooking.
Janice Cooper: I see that. Good morning, honey.
(She kisses Maddy, then walks over to the counter to fill her cup with coffee.)
Karl Cooper: Morning.
Janice Cooper: Yeah, well, the jury's still out on that as far you're concerned. You must have had quite a night.
Karl Cooper: Yeah. I guess I lost track of time.
(Janice yawns.)
Janice Cooper: That Joey's a dog. If you don't watch out, he's going to get you into trouble.
Karl Cooper: I kind of doubt that. I wouldn't worry, though. It won't happen again. These days I'm all about you, baby.
Maddy Cooper: I'm the baby.
Karl Cooper: I know. I know, but daddies can have more than one baby.
Janice Cooper: Yeah, pretty talk, talk, talk.
(Janice reaches to sample breakfast from the platter. Karl grabs a different plate and offers her the food on it.)
Karl Cooper: Here, wait, wait. Try this, try this. Maddy made them.
(Janice samples a piece.)
Janice Cooper: Mm, it's delicious. Very good.
(Maddy beams at the praise. She reaches over and touches Karl's cleanly shaved cheek.)
Janice Cooper: I'm glad you shaved. I barely recognized you under all that scruff. (Janice picks up part of the paper.)
Karl Cooper: Hadn't quite finished that.
(Janice takes the paper and leaves the kitchen.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM - DAY]
(Camera pans over a photo of the print on the plastic cup and of the ID from the print for HALL, TRENT.)
(Brass interviews Trent Hall.)
Brass: Hello, rapist.
Trent Hall: Man, I'm not a rapist. I was a date rapist, which is not even the same thing. And besides, back then, roofies were in.
Brass: So you miss the action of the good old days, huh?
Trent Hall: It's not like that. It's not like that at all.
(In the observation room, Grissom watches the interview.)
Brass: What's it like?
Trent Hall: What -- ?
(Brass picks up the soda can and takes a sip from it. Trent Hall watches him, obviously wanting a drink. Brass deliberately puts the soda can down on the table in front of Trent.)
Trent Hall: Can I get a soda, too? I'm, like, parched.
Brass: You want to tell me what your fingerprints are doing on a cup in a dead girl's car?
Trent Hall: Uh, yeah, yeah. I was out at Jet ... I was kind of faded, I guess. Um, I bumped into Ally, and she offered me a ride home. I needed it.
Brass: So that's what you were doing on Harmon Road?
Trent Hall: Yeah, Ally don't care where I live; she's a cool girl.
Brass: You were close?
Trent Hall: Oh, yeah.
Brass: Were you banging her?
Trent Hall: Nah.
Brass: So, what, are you like, pen pals? Girlfriends? What?
Trent Hall: No, look, we really didn't talk that much. But we would text all the time. That's, like, when you use your cell phone to send, like, you know, words.
(He motions with his hands as if texting on the phone.)
Brass: Yeah. I know what text messaging is.
Trent Hall: Fine.
(Brass picks up the can of soda and takes a sip from it. Trent watches him longingly.)
Trent Hall: Sorry. Look, I'm telling you the truth, you really couldn't get Ally on the phone, it's all texting with her. Well, what do you want my DNA? You want me to pee into a cup? You want my underwear?
(Grissom listens, then flips open the file folder and looks at the notes. It reads:
CELL PHONE, OPEN WITH
NUMBER ENTERED 999552
Trent Hall: Whatever you want, you got it, cause I didn't kill Ally.
(The voices fade into the background.)
(Grissom takes out his cell phone.)
Brass: (over speaker) I'll tell you what I want. I want you to write down exactly where you were last night and when. Think you can handle that?
Trent Hall: Can I get a soda?
Brass: Shut up and write.
(Grissom flips open the cell phone, selects TEXT MESSAGING. He types in
"999552" and comes out with: yka.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. CSI - DNA LAB -- DAY]
(Hodges goes over his findings with Sara.)
Hodges: Paint scrapings from your vic's bumper are consistent with a '91 to '96 blue Ford.
Sara: So that narrows it down to a few thousand cars in the greater Las Vegas area.
Hodges: Yeah, but the car you're looking for is also a piece of crap.
Sara: Make and model I get, but unless you have a new test that quantifies "crappiness" ...
Hodges: Actually, take a look.
(Sara looks through the microscope.)
Sara: Firebird's on the left, blue Ford on the right. What's the gray-blue in the middle?
Hodges: A mixture of rustoleum and house paint. The killer's car had exposed primer. Swanky.
(Grissom walks in and holds up his phone.)
Grissom: Might have found a few letters from the license plate. "Y-K-A."
Sara: You found a witness?
Grissom: No. Just behavior. But according to Ally Sullivan's father, she was the type of girl that might have noticed the license plate of the car that hit her. And according to her good friend, she preferred text messaging to leaving voice messages. She was dying, right? Disoriented? I don't know, but maybe she thought she was texting when in fact she was just dialing her phone.
(Quick flashback to: [NIGHT] Ally Sullivan has her phone out. She looks at the license plate of the car as it drives away and dials her phone.)
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Sara: That's a bit of a long shot.
Grissom: Yeah. It's still a shot.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[EXT. GOLDEN NUGGET (STOCK) - NIGHT]
[INT. CASINO - BAR -- NIGHT]
(Karl Cooper is having a drink. In the background, we hear the news report from the nearby tv.)
Paula Francis: (from tv) Good evening, I'm Paula Francis. A weekend of sordid crimes has Las Vegas police working double-time. At the same time, the police are doing all they can to protect residents from the ...
(Sitting next to him is a man, Joey, who is hitting on the pretty, blonde cocktail waitress.)
Joey: Come on, admit it. Come on. That's a little smile. Come on ... Huh? You know you're crazy about me. I want you to come back. As soon as you're done, come back.
(The waitress leaves as Karl tries to catch Joey's attention.)
Karl Cooper: Joey? Joey? Hey.
(Joey turns and looks at Karl.)
Karl Cooper: You don't hit on a cocktail waitress at the bar. Go sit at a table, then she's got a reason to come over and serve you, and it's less obvious.
Joey: Hold on. Wait, wait. The house-husband's giving me tips on women?
Karl Cooper: I married a cocktail waitress.
Joey: (surprised) Janice -- cocktail?
(Karl nods.)
Karl Cooper: This crappy little joint in Cleveland.
Joey: Really?
Karl Cooper: Mm-hmm.
Joey: I'm not looking to marry this broad. Although, she might think so. At least for tonight.
(He laughs.)
Karl Cooper: Joe, you're, like, 40-something, right? Shouldn't you be toning it down a little?
Joey: Tone it down? Karl, I'm looking to take it up a notch. I got, like, ten more years of fun left and my wingman's got a curfew. No? Why'd you bail out so early last night?
(Karl is quiet and not just a little surprised that Joey noticed his disappearance.)
Karl Cooper: I missed my family.
Joey: You're so sweet. You should work for Hallmark.
Karl Cooper: I'll send them my resume.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. NASH'S APARTMENT -- NIGHT]
(Clayton Nash is dead on his bed, shot in the chest, his eyes wide open. The manager talks with Sofia as she looks over the scene.)
Manager: It wasn't the smell that got my attention, you know? Usually when I find a body, it's, uh ... it's very, uhm ... raunchy.
Sofia Curtis: It's called "decomp," in case you're interested.
(On the floor, Sofia notices the discarded gun and bullet casing next to it. The gun isn't too far away from the victims bloodied hand.)
Manager: I'll remember that for next time.
Sofia Curtis: If it wasn't the smell, why did you check the room?
Manager: Rent is due every week.
Sofia Curtis: What's his name?
Manager: We ask for cash, not names.
(Sofia turns and glances back at him.)
Manager: (sheepishly) We take who the casinos won't. Someone's got to do it.
Sofia Curtis: You touch or move anything?
Manager: First thing I did was call you guys. Got you on speed dial.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. CASINO - BAR -- NIGHT]
(The news report on the television set in the bar continues.)
Paula Francis (newscaster): (from tv) And finally, in local crime, an update on yesterday's tragic death of Vegas party girl Ally Sullivan. Police are still examining all the evidence from the gruesome crime scene.
(We see that Joey has turned his attention once again to the cocktail waitress. Karl is watching the news report.)
Paula Francis (newscaster): (from tv) Detectives tell eyewitness news they have little to work with. And something that stumps them: What was the motive for the killer in this violent end to a young and beautiful life?
(On the tv, footage changes to a small crowd of reporters gathered around Jack Sullivan's front porch. Jack Sullivan turns around to look at the cameras.)
Reporter: (from tv) (o.s.) Mr. Sullivan, when was the last time you saw her alive?
Jack Sullivan: (from tv) What are you people thinking? Think I'm going to say something magical, to bring Ally back to me? I'm not talking to you people.
(Karl Cooper watches as Jack Sullivan turns and heads back inside. The reporters continue to shout question at his back.)
Reporter: (from tv) (o.s.) Mr. Sullivan, what was your daughter doing in that section of town? You think it was drug-related?
(Karl looks down regretfully at his drink. Footage cuts back to the newsroom.)
Paula Francis (newscaster): (from tv) Police are hoping that passersby or other eyewitnesses will come forward to help the investigation of this terrible murder.
(A number appears on the bottom of the TV screen: 1-800-555-0199.)
Paula Francis (newscaster): (from tv) If you have information that might help police, you are urged to call LVPD at the toll-free number on the screen.
(Karl looks around the bar, then nervously drinks from his glass.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. NASH'S APARTMENT -- NIGHT]
(Sofia puts on a pair of gloves and picks up the wallet on the bedside table. The NEVADA DRIVER LICENSE READS:
... 800592214 EXPIRES: 02-17-2007
NASH, CLAYTON
217 EAGLE DRIVE ...
(She takes out her handset and makes the call.)
Sofia Curtis: (to radio) Control, this is Detective Curtis. I'm at 1773 Twain, Riviera Suites. I got a 4-19. I need CSI.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. NASH'S APARTMENT -- NIGHT]
(Catherine snaps a couple of photos before she stops and looks around the apartment.)
Catherine: You know, I think I've been called out to this place before.
(Warrick looks around the room.)
Warrick: I think I've processed this very room before.
(David removes the thermometer from the body.)
David Phillips: Liver temp is close to ambient.
(David turns the body over to check.)
David Phillips: But lividity is fixed. (He opens the victim's mouth.) And rigidity starting to pass.
Catherine: So he's been dead for at least twenty hours.
(David circles the bullet hole on the body. Catherine continues to snap photos. Warrick looks around and sees the bullet casing on the floor. He picks it up and checks it.)
Warrick: ".380 auto." That's federal ammo.
(Catherine picks up the gun and checks it.)
Catherine: .380s make a lot of noise. It's odd that no one heard anything, even in a dump like this. "Walther PPK." Two shots in the body, one to the head.
Warrick: Sounds like a professional hit to me.
(Catherine notices the scratches on the gun's barrel.)
Catherine: Looks like the killer used Armorall. The gun is clean.
Warrick: Looks like the victim was doing a little cleaning of his own. He was a 12 stepper. Trying to make amends. He was on step number nine.
Catherine: Apparently not enough.
Warrick: Well, it's pretty obvious he came in through the window.
(Warrick sees a large shoe stain on the carpet near the window.)
Warrick: Whew. One thing's for sure, this killer's lugging around some pretty big dogs.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[EXT. LAS VEGAS (STOCK) - DAY]
[EXT. COMMUNITY - FRONT CURBSIDE -- DAY]
(A man puts the package he's carrying on the car, license # 139-VGO. He turns and checks the mail for house #299. He goes through the mail, then sees a package in the mailbox. He opens the package and finds four stacks of bills. He turns and glances around the area.)
(The scene goes out of focus and we see Karl Cooper's reflection through a side-view mirror from the nearby parked car as he watches the man.)
(Karl takes a puff from his cigarette.)
(The man turns, picks up his package and heads into the house.)
(Camera holds on Karl Cooper.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. CSI - HALLWAY/GARAGE -- DAY]
(Hodges catches Grissom walking through the hallway.)
Hodges: Oh. Hey, Grissom, I just ID'd those fibers you found on Ally Sullivan's necklace.
(He hands Grissom the report and they continue walking through the hallway.)
Hodges: They were not from her jacket or her dress. They're made of lambskin and rabbit fur. You know, just between you and me, I used to carry a rabbit's foot. I mean, I'm not superstitious. It's just, I figure why take the chance?
Grissom: You know, as a kid, my grandfather used to have a rabbit farm.
(They enter the garage where Sara is receiving the crushed vehicle.)
Grissom: Is this our Ford Taurus?
Sara: Once upon a time.
Hodges: Told you it was a piece of crap.
(Hodges leaves.)
Sara: The vehicle was abandoned near a junkyard off Boulder Highway. By the time they checked the plates, it was already in the crusher.
(Sara pulls the license plate and shows it to Grissom, YKA 646.)
Sara: Plates and paint are a match to your BOLO.
Grissom: Did Brass run those tags?
Sara: Yeah, it was last registered to a Betty Grinly in Henderson. She passed away last month.
(She leans forward and smells the car.)
Sara: Gasoline. They torched it.
(Quick flashback of: Karl Cooper lights the fuse with his cigarette lighter. He stands aside as the car burns. He turns and walks away. End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Grissom: So he burns the evidence near a junkyard so that they'll find it and dispose of it. Clever.
Sara: Looks like we're dealing with a professional.
Grissom: Professional what, though? Ally Sullivan was killed over a fender bender.
Sara: You're right. He probably just loved his car and has a really bad temper.
(Grissom shines his flashlight on a metal strip on the car. It has the image of a yellow pineapple and the letters A-L.)
Grissom: And he likes pineapples.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[EXT. ALOHA AUTO SALES - DAY]
(Sara interviews the salesman of the used car lot. The salesman is wearing a mustard-colored jacket and thick black-rimmed glasses.)
Salesman: Ah, yeah, I remember that Taurus. Cheap and reliable. That combo always sells.
Sara: Could you give me a description of the person who bought it?
Salesman: Honey, I'm not even sure I can tell what you look like. All I remember is he came off the bus ...
(Quick flashback to: [DAY] A man walks up to the salesman and holds out a thick stack of folded bills.)
Salesman: (V.O.) ... he walked right up with a big wad of cash.
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Salesman: I put him in that Taurus, and fifteen minutes later, he drove off the lot.
Sara: Did you get a transaction record?
LATER:
[INT. ALOHA AUTO SALES --- OFFICE - DAY - CONTINUOUS]
(The salesman shuffles through the folders on his desk as Sara patiently waits for him to find the folder.)
Salesman: Let's see. Taurus, Taurus, Taurus, Taurus ... ah, here you go.
(He finds a folder and hands it to Sara. Sara opens the folder.)
Sara: This is for a '99 Jeep Cherokee .
(She hands the folder back to the salesman. He puts the folder label up close to his eyes to read the label. Obviously the thick glasses aren't helping a bit.)
Salesman: It sure is.
(He shuffles through the folders on the desk again and hands Sara another folder.)
Salesman: Um, hold it. It's over here.
(Sara opens the folder to find a copy of the driver's license, the photo and information obscured and blurred.)
Salesman: How's that one look?
Sara: (shakes her head) Not so great.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY -- DAY]
(Robbins goes over Clayton Nash's body. He removes a bullet from the torso. He washes the bullet and puts it in a bindle.)
[INT. CSI - BALLISTICS LAB - DAY]
(Bobby takes the bullet out of the bindle and looks at its markings under the scope.)
(Bobby picks up the gun found at the crime scene and examines the barrel with a scope.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. CSI - LAYOUT ROOM - DAY]
(Catherine shares her findings with Warrick.)
Catherine: The coroner's bullets matched the Walther, but Bobby found an additional striated mark on the o-jive, so he went back to the gun. There was threading inside the muzzle.
(Warrick picks up a photo and looks at it.)
Warrick: Killer used a silencer.
(Quick flash of: The killer puts the cartridge in the gun. Camera zooms into the gun. The gun is fired; the bullet is fired. It passes through the gun and through the silencer. End of flash.)
(Catherine and Warrick both stand in front of the layout table where all the photos of the weapon and bullet are spread out.)
Warrick: Slightest imperfection in the barrel of a silencer could explain these scratches on the bullet.
(Warrick picks up a photo of the bullet and points to the scratches.)
Catherine: (nods) Oh. Also explains why no one heard anything. But leave the gun, take the silencer?
Warrick: Well, you can't legally buy a silencer, and those things are hard to make.
Catherine: If the silencer was homemade, we might have been able to match the killer's tool marks. Assuming we ever find this guy.
Warrick: I don't know who would go through this much trouble to kill a nobody like Nash.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. COOPER RESIDENCE - GARAGE -- NIGHT]
(Karl Cooper sits at his worktable.)
Catherine: (V.O.) Well, he was a somebody to the killer.
(He's typing on the computer, a framed photo of Maddy on the countertop next to him. He's on GOOGLE and enters "CLAYTON NASH")
(He looks through the listing and finds: Rocketboom.com ... the body of CLAYTON NASH was ... the site of Ally Sullivan's murder ... www.rocketboom.com - Cached
(He clicks on the site and finds the page:
ROCKETBOOM Daily with Amanda Congdon "... the body of Clayton Nash was found just two blocks away from the site of Ally Sullivan's murder ... "
(The streaming video starts playing.)
Amanda Congdon (reporter): Hey, people, Amanda Congdon from rocketboom.com with this week's creep report. If you were planning on checking out that new club, Bubbles, down near Harmon and Twain, you might want to think twice, because the corpses are really piling up down there. The body of Clayton Nash was found just two blocks away from the site of Ally Sullivan's murder, and the killer's still at large. Is this just another crime spree, or the work of one deranged maniac? Don't ask the cops. They don't have a clue. Remember, Amanda warned you.
(The garage door opens.)
Janice: Karl?
(Karl immediately shuts the page down. A photo of Mandy appears on the screen.)
Karl Cooper: Mm.
(Janice, who is carrying Maddy, walks into the garage. Karl gets to his feet.)
Janice Cooper: What are you doing?
Karl Cooper: Oh.
Janice Cooper: Not even ready for dinner.
Karl Cooper: I was checking our stocks.
Janice Cooper: Well, you're not wearing that to the Eiffel Tower.
Karl Cooper: I'll throw some clothes on.
Janice Cooper: Hurry up. My mom's waiting for Maddy. I don't want to lose that table.
Karl Cooper: Two seconds.
(Karl leaves. Janice walks up to the computer and moves the mouse.)
Janice Cooper: Okay. Well, now, who's that beautiful girl, huh?
(She chuckles as the login appears. She types in a password. The computer beeps and shows, "INCORRECT PASSWORD". She tries again. Still, she gets
"INCORRECT PASSWORD".)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. CSI - A/V LAB]
(Archie scans the blurry copy of the DMV license into the computer.)
(He works on clearing up the license photo.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. CSI - LAYOUT ROOM]
(Sara opens the MAY 2005 TRANSIT GUIDE to page 107 for Boulder Highway. She uses the guide to mark the large map on the table.)
(She locates the times and marks the map with a red pen. She follows the route down the map.)
(She looks at Invoice #459465, for Customer Order No. 08769542, dated 1-27-06, made out at 4:46 pm for 1 1995 Ford Taurus
VIN # 0155554UT598741.
AMOUNT: $1,500.00
(She marks the area on the map and looks at it.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - HALLWAY -- DAY]
(Brass interviews the bus driver.)
Brass: So, you drive route 107 southbound during the week, is that right?
Bus Driver: 6:00 A.M. to 6:00 P.M. Yeah, I'm a morning person.
Brass: Now, is there any chance, any chance at all, that you remember this guy? I know it's not the best picture.
(Brass shows the bus driver the blurry DMV photo.)
Bus Driver: Oh, yeah. I let him out on stop "E" around 4:30 day before yesterday.
Brass: Oh, you know, you get hundreds of people on and off your bus every day. We got to be sure -- are you sure you remember him?
Bus Driver: I look at every face that steps on my ride. I saw the movie 'Speed' -- I'm not gonna be hijacked.
Brass: Well, you know, actually 'Speed', it ... it wasn't hijacked, it was wired to explode.
Bus Driver: Whatever.
Brass: Well, all right. What exactly do you remember about him?
Bus Driver: He paid in cash, told me to keep the change -- everybody else uses a bus pass. He was a real gentleman -- tucked-in shirt, new shoes ... nice smell. Kind of stands out on my route.
Brass: So I guess you remember where you picked him up, then?
Bus Driver: He came walking out of the desert like Moses himself.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[EXT. DESERT (ROUTE SIGN 201) -- DAY]
(Nick, Greg and Sara stand in front of CAT Busline's Route 201 stop sign.)
Greg: So the bus driver said the guy got on here? You sure this is a working stop?
Sara: You know, the CAT bus stops here 59 times a day.
Greg: For what?
(They look around and sees ATV riders in the distance.)
Sara: Construction workers, hikers, migrants. The name on the driver's license was fake, but the picture's got to be real. I'm gonna go ... wave it around the neighborhood.
(Sara turns and leaves.)
Nick: Okay.
(Greg and Nick walk down the road where they pass more ATV riders.)
Greg: Assuming our guy's not from around here, how'd he get here?
Nick: (indicates the ATV vehicles) The same way they did.
(Nick finds a set of motorcycle tire tracks.)
Greg: Every time I come to the desert, I see porno mags. Who brings spankables out here?
(Nick sees discarded magazines.)
Nick: It's probably just trash blown in from off the street.
Greg: Nobody throws away p0rn. They're like heirlooms. Passed on down the family tree.
(Nick follows the tire tracks as Greg's rambling becomes more and more distant.)
(At the end of the tire tracks, Nick finds a large pile of black ash and burned items.)
Nick: Hey, Greg. Come here and check this out.
(Greg joins Nick.)
Nick: A single set of ATV tracks goes off the trail back there into here -- killer could've dumped the ATV and then got on the bus.
(Greg snaps photos of the pile. Greg and Nick sift through the items in the pile. He finds a shoe.)
Greg: Whoever was here had some big shoes.
(He finds some socks.)
Greg: Not necessarily big feet. Multiple socks.
Nick: Another precaution to cover your tracks.
(Quick flashback to: [NIGHT] The killer drops the items into the large fire. End of flashback.)
Greg: Assuming it's our guy.
(Greg snaps another photo of the burned items.)
Nick: I'd say it's our guy.
(Nick finds a burned rubber glove with its middle finger pointed high in the air. He shows the glove to Greg.)
Nick: And I think he just gave us the finger.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. CSI - LAB]
(Grissom goes through the items from the pile of ashes in the desert. Hodges walks in.)
Hodges: I have an update for you. The burned gloves that Nick submitted are lambskin lined with rabbit's fur. They're consistent with the fibers found in Ally Sullivan's necklace.
Grissom: Good.
(Hodges turns and leaves.)
Grissom: Thanks.
Hodges: Mm-hmm.
(Grissom continues to sift through the pile of ashes. He finds an item that looks like a silencer.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - SOFIA'S DESK]
(Catherine talks with Sofia.)
Catherine: I'm guessing that Clayton Nash had a record.
Sofia Curtis: 1985, aiding and abetting, extortion in '87, armed robbery in '92, assault in '95, uh, loan sharking the same year.
Catherine: I get the drift.
Sofia Curtis: But, uh, take a look at this -- it's FBI surveillance.
(She hands Catherine a photo of a group of men in baseball caps and mitts sitting on the park tables under a pavilion. The figure of a man sitting on the table is highlighted.)
Catherine: What is this, summer camp?
Sofia Curtis: Well, not the kind you want to send your kid to -- they're bank robbers.
Catherine: All of them?
Sofia Curtis: Apparently, Nash and his buddies would get together every year, talk shop, hire hookers, play flag football. Nash did mostly grunt work -- driver, lookout. Never handled the cash. He got busted in an armored car heist in Ohio ten years ago. Testified against practically everyone he'd ever worked with.
Catherine: Well, that certainly explains why someone would want to kill him.
Sofia Curtis: Most of those people in the picture are either dead or in prison.
Catherine: Who isn't?
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. GOLDEN NUGGET - BAR]
(Joey walks up to the Bar toward Karl Cooper, who is already there nursing his drink.)
Joey: (to bartender) Give me a Heine, please. (to Karl) What is that? Anybody should be drinking water, it's me, let me tell ya. Really blasted my quads. Let's do shooters. Wanna?
Karl Cooper: Let's pretend ... that you're wearing a suit, and let's pretend we're in your office, and let's pretend I just cut you a big check for your services because you are still my damn lawyer.
Joey: (suddenly serious) All right, man, all right, I'm listening.
Karl Cooper: There's some stuff I need. No particular order.
(He gives Joey a list. Joey looks at it.)
Joey: Credit card blanks? DMV license blanks? What is this?
Karl Cooper: No questions.
Joey: Laminating machine, blank bar code labels. What are you doing? What makes you think I can even get this stuff?
Karl Cooper: I know the guys you represent. I'm one of 'em. I need the stuff fast. Don't let me down.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. CSI - BALLISTICS LAB]
(Bobby works on the silencer Grissom found in the pile of ashes.)
(He attaches the silencer to the gun and tests it. He examines the bullet under a scope and finds the match.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. CSI - BREAK ROOM]
(Grissom, Catherine, Warrick and Sara meet and discuss the case.)
Grissom: There was no reason to connect the two murders until ballistics matched the silencer we found in the desert with the gun you found at the Riviera Suites.
Catherine: Two murders, same killer.
Sara: Here's how we think things went down. The killer drove his ATV into the desert, concealed it in the brush, takes a bus to a used car lot and buys a blue Taurus.
Warrick: Then he drives to the apartment, puts a cap in Clayton Nash, gets into his car and drives away, free and clear.
Catherine: It's a good plan, well executed.
Grissom: Yeah, right up until the point that Ally Sullivan smashed into his car.
Sara: Collateral damage -- he killed her so she couldn't identify him.
Warrick: Okay, that all sounds great. How do we find the guy?
Catherine: We know his original target, Clayton Nash. Small-time hood who gave up a lot of his big-time cronies. He's got a list of enemies.
Grissom: How many guys got convicted off Nash's testimony?
Catherine: Seven. Three of them are still in prison. One is dead, one is out on parole, and two served their time and are now out.
Warrick: So we have three potential killers and nothing to tie them to either crime scene.
Sara: Not quite. I ruled out most of the prints from Ally Sullivan's car -- the vic, the father, her boyfriend -- but there were a few unidentified partials.
(Sara hands the print cards to Grissom, who looks through it.)
Catherine: It's not enough detail to run through AFIS?
Grissom: Well, if this guy is a major case felon, then his prints are definitely in the system.
Warrick: I dusted every inch of that apartment window. He never took off his gloves.
(Grissom again looks at the print cards.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. CSI - GRISSOM'S OFFICE]
(Grissom looks at a print card for:
LVPD 06 02 01 - 1158B GG
1995 FIREBIRD DRIVER SIDE WINDOW
(Quick flash of: The killer and Ally Sullivan struggle. The killer puts his hand on the car window to brace himself. The part of the base of his palm not covered by the glove hits the window. End of flash.)
(Grissom looks through the print cards of the suspects:
LYLE, PETER
#6587-7438-73698F
(He visually compares the prints.)
(He looks at the second suspect's print card:
COOPER, KARL
#4569-8741-56998A
(He finds a visual match.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. COOPER RESIDENCE - GARAGE]
(Janice finds the card machine and a fake driver's license and several credit cards for a JORDAN DEAN. She finds more fake cards on Karl's worktable in the garage.)
(Karl opens the garage door.)
Janice Cooper: You going somewhere?
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. COOPER RESIDENCE - GARAGE]
(Janice and Karl talk.)
Janice Cooper: (upset) The fake ID cards?! The staying out all night, and then this mysterious ATV ride in the desert.
Karl Cooper: You gave me the ATV for my birthday. I ride it because I love you.
Janice Cooper: Yeah, at three o'clock in the morning?
Karl Cooper: Yeah.
Janice Cooper: Uh-uh. You're planning a job.
Karl Cooper: I'm not planning a job! You know I don't do that anymore.
Janice Cooper: You're a liar, Karl. You're lying!
Karl Cooper: Honey, listen -- honey! Janice, look ... I had to take care of something.
Janice Cooper: And what's that supposed to mean?
Karl Cooper: I killed Clayton Nash.
Janice Cooper: You even think about Maddy? Your daughter? You promised ... on her life, you promised! (She hits him.) No more robberies!
Karl Cooper: I don't do robberies anymore.
Janice Cooper: Now you just kill people.
Karl Cooper: He was a rat.
Janice Cooper: Oh, Karl. All the waiting. All the maneuvering, the lying. I did it. And I did it for us, for this family. I kept money in our wallets. I invested it, so all you had to do was watch football on TV.
Karl Cooper: And Nash was the reason. The reason that you had to hide the money and live on the run. I never got caught! And I never would've got caught, except for that ... that lousy junkie who gave me up. I only had one rule: You never talk! And he talked.
Janice Cooper: And you jeopardized everything we have for some scumbag that nobody gives a damn about.
Karl Cooper: Janice, he called me four weeks ago. He said, "I'm in town for a while. Maybe we could we get together." He had something to tell me. Tell me what? "I'm sorry? I'm sorry I stole seven years of your life." I-I couldn't let it go.
Janice Cooper: Oh, God, he had it coming. And you were careful, right? So what's with the fake IDs? Karl? You don't make mistakes.
Karl Cooper: I didn't. Somebody else did. A girl named Ally Sullivan.
Janice Cooper: The ... the girl on the tv? Oh, Karl! Oh, God, she was just a kid!
Karl Cooper: She crashed into my car right after I did Nash. She was gonna call the cops. I had to do it. I had to.
Janice Cooper: I want you to go up the stairs. I want you to kiss Maddy. I want you to tell her that you love her ... and I want you to get out of this house.
(Janice turns and leaves.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. CSI - GRISSOM'S OFFICE]
(Catherine is talking with Grissom.)
Catherine: Karl Cooper. At age 19, he was an Army Ranger. By 42, he was one of the most successful bank robbers in U.S. History. He pulled off dozens of heists, going back two decades, all without killing a single person, and he was known to his bank-robbing buddies as "Red."
Grissom: He doesn't have red hair.
Catherine: Well, he got the nickname because he was always in debt ... "in the red."
Grissom: Do we have 'In The Red's address?
Catherine: Last known was the U.S. Federal Penitentiary in Marion, Illinois. When Nash gave him up, Cooper plead guilty. He served the full seven years' term. He got out, dropped off the face of the earth.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. CSI - A/V LAB]
(Nick is on the computer working on the tire print from the desert. He runs it through the database and finds a match to a:
Brand: DUNLOP
Tyle: KT577A
PATTERN: BLOCK
DROOVE: 3
ATV MODELS CONSISTENT WITH DUNLOP KT577A
VEHICLE MODEL 1: KAWASAKI, ATV 04552F
VEHICLE MODEL 2: HONDA, ATV 0157FS
VEHICLE MODEL 3: YAMAHA, ATV 01254SE
VEHICLE MODEL 4: TOYOTA, ATV 01452SFS )
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. CSI - HALLWAY]
(Nick reports his findings to Catherine and Grissom.)
Nick: The tire model is a Dunlop KT-345. I checked with the local dealers. The only ATV that uses that particular type of tire has only been on the market for about a year. It's called the Yamaha Raptor. So I got the list of the names of everybody in Las Vegas who's recently bought one. The only Cooper on the list is female -- Janice.
Catherine: Well, Karl Cooper had a girlfriend back in Ohio, a Janice Hanford. I mean, she could be Cooper now.
Grissom: Do we have her address?
Nick: Yeah. It's, uh, second page.
(Nick hands the list to Grissom, who looks at it.)
Grissom: I think you broke the case, Nick.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[EXT. LAS VEGAS COMMUNITY ( STOCK) - DAY]
[EXT. COMMUNITY - STREET -- DAY]
(Sirens blaring, officer cars speed down the street toward the Cooper's house.)
(The cars stop in front of the house, tires screeching.)
[INT./EXT. COOPER RESIDENCE -- DAY]
(Inside the house, Janice Cooper sits at the small wicker table with her daughter Maddy. Through the closed sheer curtains, she sees the cars outside.)
Janice Cooper: Maddy ... sweetie, come with me, okay?
(She picks Maddy up.)
(Officers rush toward the door. Someone pounds on the door.)
Officer: Las Vegas police. Open up!
(Janice Cooper opens the door. The officers with their guns in hand enter the residence. Brass enters last.)
Brass: Janice Cooper?
Janice Cooper: Yeah.
Brass: We're looking for your husband.
Janice Cooper: He's not here.
(He looks around.)
Brass: Don't take it personally, but I'm not going to take your word for that.
Janice Cooper: You guys never do. Look around all you like.
Brass: Please step outside with the child. It's for your own safety.
Janice Cooper: Like I said, he's not here.
(Janice steps outside.)
INTERCUT WITH:
[EXT. BUS - SIDEWALK - DAY]
(Karl Cooper reaches the bus station. He's carrying a heavy overnight bag. He puts the bag down as he puts a cigarette in his mouth.)
(He lights his cigarette.)
[INT. COOPER RESIDENCE - GARAGE - DAY]
(Nick enters the garage and sees the ATV. He snaps a photo of the vehicle.)
(He walks up to Karl's workstation and snaps a photo of the items on the counter, including a homemade silencer.)
(He takes out a glove and uses it to pick up the silencer. He looks at it.)
(Inside the house, Maddy looks at Brass.)
Maddy Cooper: Mommy doesn't like you.
Brass: Really? Well, that's too bad. She hardly even knows me.
Janice Cooper: Maddy, you be nice, baby, okay?
Brass: Definitely. Let's all be nice.
Nick: Jim ... ATV has the right tires and there are plenty of machine tools and parts back there to build a silencer.
Brass: (to Janice) Where's Karl?
Janice Cooper: Go to hell.
Brass: All right. Here's the way it is. You're going to jail, she's going to Child Services. End of story.
Janice Cooper: I've had cops in my face for half my life. You don't scare me.
(The phone rings.)
Brass: Well, maybe that's your lawyer now.
(Janice answers it.)
Janice Cooper: (to phone) Hello?
INTERCUT WITH:
[EXT. BUS STATION - SIDEWALK - DAY]
(Karl is on the phone.)
Karl Cooper: (to phone) Just answer yes or no -- are the cops there?
Janice Cooper: (to phone) Yes.
Karl Cooper: (to phone) Are they threatening to take Maddy?
Janice Cooper: (to phone) Yes.
Karl Cooper: (to phone) That's what happens when you marry a crook.
Janice Cooper: (to phone) (whispers) I think they're tracing this call.
Brass: I'll take that phone.
(Brass takes the phone from Janice.)
(Karl hangs up. He looks in front of him and sees an officer near the bus.)
(He takes a drag from his cigarette, exhales and drops it on the sidewalk. He smashes the butt with his shoe and leaves it there.)
(Karl walks up to the officer, whose back it to him.)
Karl Cooper: Hey, officer.
(The officer turns around as Karl puts his bag down.)
Officer: Yup?
Karl Cooper: I'm going to make your day.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - BULLPEN - DAY]
(The officers in the bullpen congratulate the officer at the bus station.)
(In the hallway, an officer escorts Karl Cooper into an interview room where Grissom is. Grissom puts on a pair of gloves.)
Grissom: Uncuff him, will you, Mitch?
(Officer Mitchell removes the handcuffs.)
Officer Mitchell: Karl. Don't do anything stupid.
Grissom: Palms out, please.
(Karl holds his hands out in front of him, palms up.)
Karl Cooper: I know the drill.
(Grissom rolls some ink on his right hand. Karl puts his hand and palm print down on the card in front of him.)
(Grissom inks Karl's left hand. Karl looks at Grissom.)
Karl Cooper: So, tell me ... where'd I go wrong?
(Grissom looks at him.)
Grissom: You killed two people.
(Karl puts his left palm print down on the card.) | Plan: A: the same area; Q: Where were the two murders that the CSI investigate? A: a shady motel; Q: Where was the man killed in? A: her vehicle; Q: What did the teenage girl get out of after the car accident? A: death; Q: What did the teenage girl die by being strangled to? A: The killer's story; Q: What is also followed as they try to live a normal life despite his actions? Summary: The CSI investigate two murders in the same area: a man killed in a shady motel, and a teenage girl killed in a car accident, but after getting out of her vehicle, killed by being strangled to death. The killer's story is also followed as they try to live a normal life despite his actions. |
MEREDITH: First, do no harm. As doctors we pledge to live by this oath. But harm happens. Then guilt happens, and there's no oath for how to deal with that.
IZZIE (cooking): Good morning!
GEORGE: I thought we were done with the whole muffin thing.
IZZIE: This isn't muffins, it's breakfast. Mer needs a good, solid breakfast. First day back after the big surgery.
MEREDITH: Are you okay?
IZZIE: Of course I'm okay... I'm a millionaire. Fruit? What do you guys think about B&B's? I'm thinking about opening B&B in Vermont where the foliage is, you know?
GEORGE: Maybe you should go back to bed.
IZZIE: Can't. I'm going to the hospital
MEREDITH: Are you going to talk to the chief?
IZZIE: Nope. I'm going to clean out my locker. I could buy a hotel. How much do you think a hotel costs?
(Izzie pours orange juice spilling it all over her 8.7 million dollar check.)
GEORGE: That's eight million... eight million dollars does not like to have juice spilled on it.
MEREDITH: You have to take that to the bank today. It's making me nervous in the house.
IZZIE: I will. Just as soon as I clean out my locker. I'm fine. Really I'm fine. Denny loved me. He wanted me to have this money; he wants me to be happy. So I'm happy (She plasters on a huge smile.) Juice?
[SCENE_BREAK]
MEREDITH: She's losing it. She almost battered and deep fried an 8 million dollar check this morning.
CHRISTINA: That kind of money, I'd buy my own hospital and stock it full of sick people. Vavuloplasties and ruptured aneurisms. Hmm.
GEORGE: You are a psycho, you know that, right?
CHRISTINA: Okay, I'm not the one with an 8 1/2 million dollar check I won't cash.
IZZIE: Stop talking about me. I'm fine. I'm cleaning out my locker and I'm going home. Mer is the one with the problems.
MEREDITH: Well you haven't told McDreamy that you dumped McVet.
CHRISTINA: You haven't done that yet?
ALEX: Dude, tell him already.
GEORGE: She's scared.
MEREDITH: I am not scared. Derek walked away. He walked away. Maybe that's a good thing. Maybe he's happy. He's got Addison here. He's got Mark here. He's got a lot to deal with. And I'm not going to make him feel guilty. I'm being an adult here, and I am not going to drag him into our whole... Izzie is the one with the big check!
MEREDITH (voice over) Guilt never goes anywhere on its own. It brings its friends, doubt and insecurity.
[SCENE_BREAK]
MARK (to Callie's ringing cell): That your boyfriend again?
CALLIE: I do not have a boyfriend.
MARK: Then why the guilty face?
CALLIE: You were sexier when you weren't talking.
[SCENE_BREAK]
BAILEY: Am I keeping you O'Malley? (George is on his cell calling Callie, who is still in bed with Mark) M&M ten in minutes, people.
ALEX: We get to go to M&M?
GEORGE: Even if we haven't finished our rounds?
BAILEY: Even if. I want all of you at the M&M today.
ALEX: Yes!
BAILEY: People die in this hospital. Once a month we gather to discuss how our actions as physicians contributed to the deaths. This is a serious exercise.
MAN: Dr. Bailey.
CHRISTINA: George Alex, you get good seats. Mer and I will get snacks.
ALEX: Yeah.
BAILEY: Mr and Mrs. Niles.
MR. NILES: We kind of got turned around on our way to admitting.
BAILEY: Oh, not a problem. Dr. Karev, uh, Mrs. Niles is scheduled for a mastectomy tomorrow. Why don't you show her and her husband up to the fifth floor. Is this the little man? He's adorable.(Mr. Niles is carrying their baby)
MRS. NILES: He's not so adorable at 4 in the morning and won't take a bottle. Can we just get to the room (She walks off.)
MR. NILES: It's been a rough week. She had to stop nursing. Gus here just won't eat.
BAILEY: Why don't I take you up? (She grabs the baby.) You can try a little sugar water on the bottle just until he gets used to it.
MEREDITH: Does that woman have breast cancer? What is she, 30 years old?
ALEX: New baby. She probably thought the lump was a milk gland. You learn things on the v*g1n* squad
CHRISTINA: Focus people. M&M. Insults flying, residents covering their asses. Our bosses getting kicked in the teeth instead of us. Seats. Snacks.
[SCENE_BREAK]
CHRISTINA: Hey, I didn't know you were coming to the M&M.
BURKE: You brought snacks?
CHRISTINA: Yeah. You okay? No surgeries today right? I mean I'm ready if you need...
BURKE: No. No surgeries.
[SCENE_BREAK]
GEORGE: Callie. Hey...did you get my message? Messages.
CALLIE: Yeah. I gotta get a seat.
GEORGE: Alex is saving us a bunch if you want to sit with us.
CALLIE: No.
(They enter the Morbidity and Morality seminar, a.k.a. the M&M.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
GEORGE: She's trying to make me feel guilty about the other night with Izzie.
MEREDITH: I thought you said you apologized.
GEORGE: I did. I have. I'm done. I am not apologizing any more. I'm enjoying life. I'm loving the M&M.
CHIEF: Okay people. Let's begin. Patient #34986 died last month from complications following a heart transplant. Dr. Burke will present.
ALEX: You guys isn't patient #34986...
MEREDITH: Denny...
CHRISTINA: $8 million. 8 million could get us on a plane to somewhere far, far away.
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Izzie is cleaning out her locker.)
She takes out her stethoscope and listens to her heart.
[SCENE_BREAK]
BURKE: Cause of death was an embolus that dislodged from the suture line and caused a CVA with brain stem herniation.
(People raise their hands with questions.)
GIRL: So the company line is he died from a CVA?
BURKE: There is no company line. That's how he died.
MAN: Let's get back to this patients need for emergent transplant. You're saying the patient's left ventricle had been weakened by the LVAD malfunction?
BURKE: His left ventricle was weakened by the fact that he had congestive heart failure.
DR. SAVOY: Please Dr. Burke. We all know the LVAD was cut by an intern.
BURKE: The events remain unclear.
GEORGE: I'm going to my happy place...
DR. SAVOY: It's unclear to you 'cause you were in the ER with a gunshot wound. Why aren't we hearing from Dr. Bailey? She was the senior physician on the case.
BURKE: I'm the attending on record.
BAILEY: Yes, I was the resident in charge. (She takes the stand.)
BAILEY: Dr. Burke has summarized the medical facts of this case. Are there any questions for me?
(Everyone raises their hands.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
DR. SAVOY: You recently had a baby, Dr. Bailey?
BAILEY: I don't see what that has to do with...
DR. SAVOY: Sleep deprivation coupled with wild swings in hormone levels are factors that could cloud anyone's judgement.
BAILEY: I sleep just fine, Dr. Savoy.
DR. SAVOY: Really? Cause if a patient died due to my poor decision making, I'd lose a little sleep over it.
CHIEF: Let me remind everyone that our purpose here is not to place blame. This is a forum to discuss mistakes in patient care and learn from them
DR. SAVOY: well so far I haven't heard Dr. Bailey admit to a mistake.
CHRISTINA: Why don't they just put a bullet in the back of her head?
MEREDITH: It would be more humane.
DR. SAVOY: So for a period of several hours, your interns were running amuck in teh hosptal unsupervised.
BAILEY: I'm waiting for a question.
DR. SAVOY: The question is where were you?
BAILEY: There was the shooting, and the ER was chaotic.
DR. SAVOY: The ER is always chaotic. Did you page them during this time?
BAILEY: Yes, I paged them several times.
DR. SAVOY: So apparently, they thought it was okay to ignore your pages. Dr. why do you think your interns have so much contempt for your authority?
ALEX: You don't know what the hell you're talking about!
BAILEY: Dr. Karev, sit down.
(He sits and reveals Izzie standing in the door way, her hand at her temple.)
GEORGE: Izzie...
BAILEY: Next question
[SCENE_BREAK]
LAWYER: Derek says that neither of you brought your assets into the marriage.
ADDISON: Well I had my trust fund. And a sparkling personality. And the futon couch.
DEREK: Yes, Addison had a very ugly, very heavy futon couch.
ADDISON: What happened to that couch?
DEREK: We gave it to Mhark. She can have him.
ADDISON: I don't want him.
DEREK: Ok so that's settled. What else?
LAWYER: Aside from Addison's trust fund which will remain in her name, we'll spilt everything, stocks, bonds, 401K's down the middle. The only thing that gets complicated is the real estate.
DEREK: Well let me make this simple. I'd like to keep my trailor and the land is Seattle. Addison can keep the rest.
ADDISON: Hold on...
LAWYER: That's the house in the Hamptons and the Brownstone overlooking central park. That's very generous of you.
ADDISON: Hold on. He's up to something. I came here to fight over CD's and books. Go to war over a crystal vase. What are you up to Derek.
DEREK: The divorce is my fault, let me take responsibility.
ADDISON: We both had affairs.
DEREK: You had a one night stand with Mark.
ADDISON: Actually, it was...
DEREK: Ok it was two nights. You made a mistake. Meredith and i, we had a relationship. Make these changes. I'll sign them today.
[SCENE_BREAK]
MEREDITH: You weren't supposed to be in here Izzie.
GEORGE: You shouldn't have had to see that
IZZIE: It's fine. I'm fine. Clearly the doctor thing wasn't working for e. so go about your business. Run labs. Cure cancer. I'm fine.
GEORGE: You're not going home. Either you hang out with us or we'll call your mother.
MEREDITH: She's just a few hours away, and I'm sure she wouldn't mind coming and staying with you. All day.
IZZIE: You wouldn't.
GEORGE: Dialing.
IZZIE: Woah! Hey, hey! Ok. I'll just... go hang out in the locker room.
[SCENE_BREAK]
CHIEF: What is she doing here? She has no business in this room.
ALEX: What are you looking at me for? I didn't have anything to do with this. I didn't have anything to do with ANY of this.
GEORGE: I'll stay with her today if that's okay. I''ll update charts an I'll run labs and keep an eye on her, if that's okay. She shouldn't be alone.
CHIEF: Fine.
GEORGE: Dr. Bailey...
MEREDITH: We just want to say..
CHRISTINA: We're sorry...
MEREDITH: About the M&M
BAILEY: No. You do not get to apologize to me for this. You do not get to feel better. Neither do I. Get to work. O'Malley keep an eye on her.
GEORGE: Yes Dr. Bailey.
[SCENE_BREAK]
DR. SAVOY: Dr. Bailey, you understand it's nothing personal
BAILEY: People talking about your hormone levels, starts to feel personal.
MR. NILES: Dr. Bailey. Looks like you're the baby whisperer. Gus drank the whole bottle. Do you want to hold him?
(But with Dr. Savoy standing behind her...)
BAILEY: Actually now isn't a good time. I'm about to go get your wife's labs.
MR. NILES: Do you think you could talk to her? She's freaking out. She's not too sure about the mastectomy, she's thinking maybe a lumpectomy. I know she likes you. Maybe you could talk her into...
BAILEY: No it's not my job to talk her into anything. Maybe if she knew more about her reconstructive options. I'll send our plastic surgeon up.
[SCENE_BREAK]
BURKE: Hey chief. Got a minute?
CHIEF: Sure. Quite morning isn't it?
BURKE: It was. It's always important to be reminded how important it is to be on top of your game. That's what I wanted to talk to you about...
CHIEF: I am so glad you are back in this building. Look, I need your help focusing the staff. They respond to you as an authority figure. You're an example of what they should be. Glad to have you back Preston.
BURKE: Thank you Chief.
[SCENE_BREAK]
DEREK: You're back.
MEREDITH: I am.
DEREK: You look...good without an appendix. It suits you.
MEREDITH: How are you?
DEREK: Fine. How are you?
MEREDITH: I'm great.
DEREK: Feeling well? No pain?
MEREDITH: No pain. (Her pager beeps.) That's your wife. I'm on her service.
DEREK: Ok then. I won't stand in your way.
MEREDITH: Okay.
[SCENE_BREAK]
MEREDITH: Hi I was paged by Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd.
ADDISON: Dr. Grey. Welcome back.
MEREDITH: Thank you.
ADDISON: And, uh...it's just Montgomery now.
MEREDITH: What?
ADDISON: My name. The divorce was finalized this morning. So...Montgomery. To add to our fun, we've been asked to consult on a woman who has a foreign object stuck inside of her. Ahem.
SONJA: Ow. It hurts whenever you move.
ADAM: Well then keep your weight off my bad knee.
(Sonja is straddling Adam, who also happens to be naked.)
SONJA: Sorry, I thought it was on the left side.
ADAM: You think after 19 years of marriage you'd have that one down.
ADDISON: It appears that her husband is the foreign object.
BOTH: Ex-husband.
[SCENE_BREAK]
SONJA: So you go and get a piercing.
ADAM: Sonja.
SONJA: What. It's not like they're not going to find out.
ADAM: It's so embarrassing...
SONJA: No. What's embarrassing is meeting your husband for lunch with your ex-husband still attatched. How long is this going to take, 'cause I really don't want my husband finding out. Could you work out some small miracle?
ADDISON: First of all, we have to figure out what the piercing is caught on.
SONJA: Ok.
ADDISON: Do you have any piercings?
SONJA: Me? NO. I sell real estate.
ADAM: What's that supposed to mean? I sell real estate too.
SONJA: We've been divorced for five years. We keep running in to each other. You know, work stuff. We get together sometimes. It's stupid and weak. And it is never happening again.
ADDISON: Well Dr. Grey is going to check on the x-rays and we'll take it from there. Ok? And... you might want to cancel your lunch plans.
[SCENE_BREAK]
CHRISTINA: Hey. That M&M was...
BURKE: Yeah. I went to tell the chief... about my hand
CHRISTINA: Burke.
BURKE: But I couldn't. I don't know what I'm going to do.
CHRISTINA: Well I can be there if you need me, in surgery.
BURKE: I'm not doing any surgery. I'm going to catch up on paper work.
CHRISTINA: Does that mean...
BURKE: I don't know. I don't know what I'm going to do. I need time to think.
CHRISTINA: Okay
BURKE: I have paperwork. I need to do paperwork.
[SCENE_BREAK]
IZZIE: I know how the rumor mill works around her George. I'm the crazy intern, and now I'm the crazy intern whose friends have to babysit her.
GEORGE: You know what we should talk about. We should talk about what you're going to do with that money after you don't destroy it.
(They approach Adam and Sonja's room and see through the open door. George sways away, adverting his eyes as Izzie watches.)
IZZIE: Are those people having s*x?
ADDISON: They were having s*x, now they're just fighting. Good to have you back Stephens.
IZZIE: I'm not back. I'm fine. Just not back. Hey you're Addison Forbers Montgomery Shepherd. Thats's a lot of names. A lot of rich sounding names. You're rich right? That's rude. That's a rude question. It's just that I'm rich now too,
GEORGE: You're not rich till you deposit the check.
IZZIE: Do you ever feel guilty being rich?
ADDISON: I'm sorry?
IZZIE: Being rich? Cause I have money now, and I don't really feel like I did anything to deserve it. And I can't talk to my friends about it cause they're all so poor.
GEORGE: Standing right here Izzie.
ADDISON: Deposit the check Stephes. Just start there. And the guilt will work itself out
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Meredith is looking through an upheld x-ray and Derek appears behind it.)
MEREDITH: Hey, you're everywhere.
DEREK: I'm sorry. For once it was actually not on purpose.
MEREDITH: Do these look blurry to you?
DEREK: What exactly am I looking at?
MEREDITH: A divorced couple who got stuck together during...
DEREK: Oh Wow. That's got to be awkward.
MEREDITH: Yeah, divorced five years and still going at it...like teens at the prom. So to speak. Speaking of divorce. I heard...because I'm working with your wife.
DEREK: Hmm
MEREDITH: Ex-wife.
DEREK: It was time.
MEREDITH: Good.
DEREK: How's Finn?
MEREDITH: Finn is...fine.
DEREK: Good. You're right, they're blurry. You should get some new ones.
[SCENE_BREAK]
MARK: If you go ahead with the mastectomy, there are several reconstructive options. Saline implants are used most often. But silicone has a more natural look and feel.
MRS. NILES: I can't deal with this right now.
MR. NILES: Diana... come on. It'll take two seconds, huh?
MRS. NILES: You're the one who has to feel them so you decide.
MR. NILES: I don't care.
ALEX: Dude, trust me, you care.
BAILEY: Dr. Karev.
MARK: Dude, he's right. You care.
MR. NILES: Dr. Bailey? What's wrong with my wife?
BAILEY: I'm sorry. You know she has stage 2B breast cancer...
MR. NILES: I know that, but will you please tell me what's wrong with her?
BAILEY: Mr. Miles...
MR. NILES: Cause she wont talk to me, I try and I try but she won't. She won't even look at Gus. She won't hold him and all he wants is his mom. He's just... she's such a good mom. I know it doesn't seem like that. But she is.
BAILEY: I can schedule a psych consult...
MR. NILES: I don't want a psych consult. I just want my wife back. Please. Now she's talking crazy. How she might not have the surgery at all.
BAILEY: Mr. Niles...
MR. NILES: Can you please tell her that she has to have the surgery? Somebody has to tell her.
[SCENE_BREAK]
ADAM: I did this for you you know.
SONJA: You have got to stop doing things for me you know. I'm with Tom now. I love Tom.
ADAM: I still can't believe you left me for that guy. What does Tom have that I don't?
SONJA: Well for one, he doesn't have a pierced..
MEREDITH: You two need to stay completely still (They're having another x-ray.) so that we can get a clear picture.
SONJA: We fought through 19 years of marriage. The only time we didn't fight was when we were having s*x.
ADAM: I still love you.
(A girl walks in.)
GIRL: Mom? Dad?
SONJA: Scratch that. Now I'm in hell.
[SCENE_BREAK]
MEREDITH: Jennifer, maybe you want to go wait in the...
JENNIFER: You guys are so paying for my therapy. And my rent. And my new car.
ADAM: Of course sweetie.
SONJA: Oh, coddle her. You are old enough to know that your parents are sexual beings and that they make mistakes.
JENNIFER: Oh. Is that what you call this mom? A Mistake? Because I call this, you once again being a slut.
SONJA: Hey! You don't talk like that. I am your mother!
JENNIFER: Yeah and what a great role model you turned out to be. Look at you. Cheating on your husband with your ex-husband. And daddy, what about you? I thought you finally moved on. You said you were going to start dating.
ADAM: It's complicated, honey.
ADDISON: Well, it seems your IUD has dislodged from your uterus, hooked on to your husband's piercing, and is embedded in your vaginal wall.
JENNIFER: Did she say piercing?
MEREDITH: Daughter.
ADDISON: Perfect.
[SCENE_BREAK]
MARK: Hey
ADDISON: Hey
MARK: So who got the brownstone?
ADDISON: You heard?
MARK: People talk around here. I listen Who got the brownstone?
ADDISON: None of your business.
MARK: I left my bike in the basement. I just want to know who to talk to to get it back
ADDISON: Buy a new bike.
MARK: You know this angry divorce thing really turns me on.
ADDISON: I got the brownstone. And you'll get your bike back when you come to your senses and go home.
MARK: Derek took the Hamptons? Derek hates the Hamptons. Derek gave you the Hamptons too? He still doesn't know the whole story does he?
ADDISON: No.
MARK: And as long as you don't tell him, you get to be the good guy while I'm just the chump who seduced his wife for the hell of it. Real fair.
[SCENE_BREAK]
IZZIE: I think I'm going to buy something for Bailey, and for Burke. What do you think Burke would want?
CHRISTINA: Nothing you could buy with money.
GEORGE: He likes Jazz.
IZZIE: I'm not buying him a CD George. I'm a multi-millionaire. It needs to be something... big.
MEREDITH: A house in the Bahamas.
ALEX: I'd buy the Bahamas. Or a Bahama. I'd buy an island.
CHRISTINA: Oh you're an intern. When would you have time to go to your Bahama?
ALEX: I'd quit.
CHRISTINA: No you wouldn't. You're a surgeon. You operate. That's what you do. Sorry
IZZIE: Why? I'm fine. I'm fine. I am not a surgeon.
ALEX: My patient, a 30 yr. old with breast cancer. I say live your life while youcan in the Bahamas.
IZZIE: Have you told Derek yet that you broke up with Finn?
MEREDITH: I'm giving him time.
IZZIE: That's stupid.
GEORGE: You know what's stupid. It's carrying around a check for 8 million dollars.
IZZIE: I'm fine. The check is fine. We're all fine, okay?
[SCENE_BREAK]
CALLIE: I slept with another guy. Do I tell George?
MEREDITH: I broke up with Finn. Do I tell Derek? I can't tell Derek.
CALLIE: I have to tell George.
[SCENE_BREAK]
MR. NILES: Here, honey. Please just hold him.
MRS. NILES: Stop it.
MR. NILES: Will you please just talk to me?
MRS. NILES: I want you to leave me alone
[SCENE_BREAK]
CHIEF: You took a lot of hits today at the M&M. Some of them justified, some of them not. Compassion and empathy are a big part of the job. I don't care what Savoy said, and I know I haven't always been supportive, but being a parent makes you a better doctor.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Burke sits in his office...trying to write. His hand is having a massive tremor.
IZZIE: Hi. I just wanted to say hi. Denny left me 8 million dollars. 8.7 million to be exact. Did you know that he had money? Cause I didn't know.
BURKE: No, I didn't know.
IZZIE: I'm thinking about using it to travel. Maybe go to Italy. I've never been there before. I hear Venice is amazing.
BURKE: Izzie...
IZZIE: I'm fine. Really I am, I'm fine. Everyone thinks I'm not but...I'm fine.j
BURKE: You're fine. I'm fine. Everything's fine.
IZZIE: So.
BURKE: I got shot. I got shot because I was coming back to the hospital to check on Denny. Because you asked me to. I'm not fine. Denny asked you to marry him and now he's dead. You're not fine. Don't come in here and... just... we're not fine.
IZZIE: I'm sorry. We were friends. You were my boss but I think we were friends too. I didn't mean for anyone to get hurt. And I know there is nothing I can do to take it back.
BURKE: No.
IZZIE: Preston, please.
BURKE: You quit. You quit being a surgeon. You have two good hands and you aren't using them. Feel guilty about that.
[SCENE_BREAK]
ADAM: Sonja, quit grabbing my leg.
SONJA: I am not grabbing you anywhere, she is.
CHRISTINA: Mr Morris, we need to position you correctly to get a clear image.
ADDISON: Dr. Yang, move him a little to the left. Hey, what are you doing here?
CHIEF: I heard about it. I had to see it. And now I've seen enough.
ADDISON: Dr. Yang I need you to lift him a little as you pull him.
CHRISTINA: I'm trying.
(The couple cry out in pain.)
CHIEF: Lift his right leg 20 degrees. Freeze! Hold that position!
ADDISON: Dr Grey, can you kind of slowly swirl Mrs. Kellman in a counter clockwise direction.
MEREDITH: Swirl?
SONJA: Swirl?
CHRISTINA: Swirl.
(Chief and Addison make hand gestures from behind the glass, indicating swirl around. Meredith does as she's asked.)
ADAM: Oh God Sonja.
SONJA: Oh Adam not now!
CHIEF: Careful! Careful!
ADDISON: Dr. Yang and Dr. Grey, on the count of 3 I want you to slowly gently pull them apart.
(They do so, but Adam starts convulsing.)
CHRISTINA: Oh...
MEREDITH: He's having a... Heart attack! He's having a heart attack!
CHRISTINA: Oh thank God. I mean... code blue!
[SCENE_BREAK]
CHIEF: We need to get him to an OR now or he's goin to die. Who's the cardiac surgeon on call?
NURSE: Dr. Harrison but he's in surgery.
CHIEF: Where's Burke?
CHRISTINA: He's in the conference room. But he's not on the board yet.
BURKE: He is now. Notify the OR Let's move people. Move!
CHRISTINA: How do we do this?
BURKE: Stand on my right side...
CHRISTINA: You're right side...
BURKE: And if any time in the procedure...
CHRISTINA: If you tremor...
BURKE: I'll look at you and you'll know to slide in and do the sutures we practiced.
CHRISTINA: What if one of the scrub nurses notices? What if they say something.
BURKE: Christina I can't walk away from this surgery. If I do this man will die. So tremor or no tremor, I have to try. But you..
CHRISTINA: I'm your intern. I will be there on your right side.
[SCENE_BREAK]
BURKE: 10 Blade..
(He begins to operate, seamlessly.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
ADDISON: As soon as we hear something about your ex-husband we'll let you know. Since I removed your IUD you may want to use a backup method.
SONJA: Oh I'm sure I won't be having s*x any time soon...once I tell Tom.
ADDISON: You're... you're going to tell your husband?
SONJA: You know the first time it happened, I felt so guilty. But I wasn't going to tell Tom because it wasn't going to happen again. And then it happened again... and again... and somewhere along the way I stopped feeling guilty. Yeah, I'm going to tell my husband. I think the truth just has to come out, you know?
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Burke is doing stitches. He clears his throat. Then looks at Christina..)
CHRISTINA: Dr. Burke I know it's a lot to ask, but I would really appreciate it a lot if you would let me try my running whip stitch.
(She slides in and takes over the operation.)
BURKE: All right, take a good bite. You want to make sure it holds. Don't put too much pressure. There, keep going.
GEORGE: Oh my god
IZZIE: Christina's doing a running whip stitch...on a heart.
ALEX: I guess sleeping with your boss has it's perks.
GEORGE: This sucks. Christina gets s*x and perks.
MEREDITH: Maybe you should just apologize again GEORGE:
GEORGE: Yeah, cause you're in a great position to give relationship advice.
IZZIE: Christina's doing a running whip stitch...on a heart.
[SCENE_BREAK]
MRS. NILES: I don't feel like talking.
BAILEY: When I'm driving home at night, after a long day at work all I can think about is getting to my baby.
MRS. NILES: If this is where you tell me to fight the cancer so I don't miss out on the joy of motherhood...
BAILEY: Then I get home, and the baby's crying... and the exhaustion hits. And I resent that tiny baby's presence in my house. My previously very quiet house.
MRS. NILES: Why are you telling me this?
BAILEY: So you know what I do? First I pick a fight with my husband. You know, blame him for not settling the baby down. Then I bitch about the neighbor's loud music. Then if I'm really tired, and pissed off... I blame the baby. If you hadn't been breast feeding, you never would have thought the lump was a clogged milk duct. You would have gone to the doctor as soon as you felt it. Cancer wouldn't have got this far. And you wouldn't be here making this decision. Am I close?
MRS. NILES: What kind of mother blames her own baby for her cancer?
BAILEY: A mother who is human. A mother who is overwhelmed.
MRS. NILES: If this is going to kill me eventually, wouldn't it be better if it happened when Gus was little? Wouldn't it be easier for him if I never existed?
BAILEY: Shh. This is when I tell you to fight the cancer so you don't miss out on the joys of motherhood.
[SCENE_BREAK]
ADDISON: Derek...
DEREK: You know what I like? I like that we can be civilized. We're these adult grown up people who can be civilized and friendly. We deserve a metal.
ADDISON: It wasn't a one night stand
DEREK: What?
ADDISON: Mark wasn't a one night stand. I was in love with him. Or at least I thought I was. After you left, we lived together for two months. I wanted to believe that we could make it work. I wanted to believe I hadn't thrown my marriage away, that I hadn't thrown my life away on a fling. But he's mark and well... I caught him with someone else. And then Richard called. We both had relationships with other people. We're both equally reliable. So please take the Brownstone.
DEREK: All I want is Seattle. I want Seattle and never to see you again.
[SCENE_BREAK]
MEREDITH: You're here. You're everywhere. And I can't not tell you. You know, I've been not telling ou all day because I thought it was kind and I thought I was giving you space. But I can't not tell you because you're here and you're you and... I broke up with Finn.
DEREK: Ok.
MEREDITH: Ok... then. Ok. I told you.
DEREK: Yeah.
[SCENE_BREAK]
BURKE: The operation was successful. The next 24-48 hours are critical but...
CHRISTINA: We expect your father to make a full recovery.
JENNIFER: Thank you so much Dr. Burke.
MEREDITH: (voice over): First, do no harm. Easier said than done. We can take all the oaths in the world but the fact is... most of us do harm all the time.
[SCENE_BREAK]
IZZIE: I have 8 million dollars.
CHIEF: So I've heard.
IZZIE: I can do anything I want.
CHIEF: Just about.
IZZIE: And all I really want to do is a running whip stitch.
CHIEF: My first year as an intern, I had a stable cardiac patient who blew out his lung while I was transporting him to CT. I called in a code, but by the time everyone got there, he was dead. If I'd have put in a chest tube right away... I made a mistake. But I stayed. I worked. I learned. I never made that mistake again. If I'd have quit, all I would have had is that life that I lost. Instead I get to save lives. Every day, I get to save lives.
MEREDITH: (VO) Sometimes even when we're trying to help, we do more harm than good.
[SCENE_BREAK]
MARK: She told you. I've know you my whole life, I grew up with you so I know what you're thinking. That's a year of your life wasted trying to make it work with Addison, when you could've been with Meredith. That you could've been happy right now. That this... everything... that you and Meredith could've had a real chance. Still... I thought you should know the truth. I thought I owed you that. As a friend.
DEREK: You're not my friend.
MEREDITH (VO) And then the guilt rears its ugly head. What you do with that guilt is entirely up to you.
DR. SAVOY: Babysitting Dr. Bailey?
BAILEY: That's right, I'm babysitting. I'm being all unprofessional and emotionally involved while my patient and her husband are having a moment together. You might want you leave right now. I feel a rush of hormones coming on. There's no telling what I might do.
ALEX: How's it going in there?
BAILEY: I think they're leaning toward a mastectomy.
ALEX: About Izzie... I didn't do anything.
BAILEY: I know Karev, you didn't do anything, you weren't even here.
ALEX: No listen. I knew... Izzie told me what she was going to do but I didn't say anything cause I didn't want to get involved. I didn't do anything. I didn't do anything to stop her. You weren't the only one.
BAILEY: Alex. Thank you.
[SCENE_BREAK]
MEREDITH: We're left with a choice...
GEORGE: I got fried chicken, extra crispy. Coleslaw. Peach cobbler. Beetle Jump and Samauri Ambush.
CALLIE: The other night when I told you I was done trying to compete. That was me trying to break up with you.
GEORGE: No... I think I would've noticed that.
CALLIE: Except you didn't. Which is why I broke up with you.
[SCENE_BREAK]
MARK: (lying in bed with Addison) At least now you don't have to feel guilty any more.
ADDISON: Shut up.
MEREDITH: Either you can let guilt thrown you back into the behavior that got you in trouble in the first place, or learn from the guilt, and do your best to move on.
MEREDITH: Are you seriously not going to deposit that check?
IZZIE: Some good needs to come from this money. Until I know what that good is... no. I'm not depositing the check.
(Instead she clips it to the fridge. Meredith goes to grab it, but George slaps her hand down.) | Plan: A: The interns; Q: Who is excited to attend their first Morbidity and Mortality conference? A: Denny Duquette; Q: Who is the first person on the agenda at the Morbidity and Mortality conference? A: her interns; Q: Who is Bailey raked over the coals for letting run unsupervised about the hospital for long durations? A: the hospital; Q: Where did Bailey let her interns run unsupervised for long durations? A: her infant son; Q: Who does the young mother blame for her breast cancer? A: Derek; Q: Who does Meredith consider telling about her break up with Finn? A: Addison; Q: Who does Derek give most of his property to? A: their divorce; Q: What did Derek and Addison finalize? A: just a one-night affair; Q: What did Derek think Mark and Addison's relationship was? A: three months; Q: How long did Mark and Addison keep seeing each other? A: sex; Q: What caused a former couple to get stuck inside one another? A: a heart attack; Q: What caused the man to go into surgery? A: Burke's right hand; Q: What part of Burke's body trembles during surgery? A: her running whipstitch; Q: What does Cristina practice while Burke is in surgery? A: Izzie; Q: Who decides to give up surgery after receiving Denny's check? A: Callie; Q: Who confesses to Meredith that she slept with another man? A: the fellow interns; Q: Who tells Meredith to tell Derek about her break up with Finn? A: George; Q: Who is surprised when Callie tells him that she broke up with him? Summary: The interns are excited to attend their first Morbidity and Mortality conference but their excitement evaporates quickly after finding out Denny Duquette is first on the agenda. Bailey is raked over the coals for letting her interns run unsupervised about the hospital for long durations. Bailey treats a young mother battling breast cancer and realizes that she blames her infant son for everything that had happened to her. Derek and Addison finalize their divorce; Derek gives up most of their property to Addison but later learns that Mark and Addison's relationship was not just a one-night affair and that they kept seeing each other for three months. Addison and Meredith treat a former couple who got stuck inside one another during sex, however, after separating the pair, the man has a heart attack that causes him go into surgery. In the midst of the surgery, Burke's right hand begins to tremble again. Cristina covers for him by asking to practice her running whipstitch. Izzie decides to give up surgery after receiving Denny's check, but she becomes re-motivated after watching Cristina operate. Callie confesses to Meredith that she slept with another man, but doesn't name Mark. Meredith contemplates telling Derek about her break up with Finn, but is hesitant, despite the fellow interns telling her to let him know as fast as she can. George is surprised when Callie tells him that she broke up with him. |
At Alex's
Paige: Thanks Emily. You are the hostess with the mostest.
Emily: You come over anytime you'd like Paige.
Paige: Put me down for Oscar night so long as Chad lets us watch on his 6000inch Plasma TV.
(There's a knock at the door.)
Emily: Pizza money's on the side table, hon.
(Chad opens the door.)
Police Officer: Good evening. We're looking for Chad Kent. Are you him?
Chad: Depends. Uh what do you want?
Police officer: We have a warrant for your arrest for the crime of credit card fraud.
Emily: Credit card fraud? What? No, there must be some mistake.
Chad: Sorry Emily.
Emily: No wait!
Alex: Should I come?
Emily: No. No you stay. I'm sure we'll get this all uh sorted out.
(She leaves.)
Paige: Wow. How 'Cops' was that? Are you okay?
Alex: Paige you should go.
Paige: You sure? The TV's all ours.
Alex: It's late and I have exams. Could you just go, please?
Paige: As you wish, hon. Thanks for your help.
At Alex's, the next morning
Alex: Nothing like an all-nighter at the police station. Where's Chad?
Emily: In jail. You know that big raise he told us about? That was a lie Lexy. He was fired.
Alex: Mom that was six weeks ago. What's he been doing all this time?
Emily: Well besides buying new plasma TV's with stolen credit cards?
Alex: Mom, its okay. We'll send it back and then we're fine, right? TV's gone, loser's in jail. Good riddance.
(She doesn't say anything.)
Alex: What?
Emily: I uh...I gave him a card with his name on it. He took advantage of me Lexy. Now I'm in the hole for 6 grand.
Alex: That's not a hole, mom. That's the Grand Canyon.
Emily: I know.
Alex: How could he put $6000 on your card?
Emily: He told me he was making the payments. Lie #2.
Alex: You're not paying those charges.
Emily: Bank says my credit card, my problem. We need that card to pay the bills. I mean I'll work double shifts, but uh I'm not sure it's gonna be enough, you know?
Alex: It's our problem, okay? And we're gonna get through it. I promise.
At Degrassi
Manny: I'm doomed on my functions exam. Doomed! How am I supposed to be your fab university roommate if I fail?!
Emma: Assuming I don't already have a roomie lined up of the blue-collar, sexy mechanic type.
Manny: Yeah right. Sean's like "Hey let's shack up. I'm real serious about our future, yo!"
Emma: Is that so completely unbelievable? I think it would be great to have something that's just ours. Like a little home together.
Manny: Em you're 17. You have your whole life to settle down behind the white picket fence.
Emma: Well excuse me for wanting to move in with my boyfriend.
Manny: And you're so sure he wants to move in?
Emma: Why wouldn't he?
Manny: Because there's only one 4-letter word in the young male dictionary, commitment. At the movie theatre
(Alex is working behind the counter.)
Paige: I used to love dispensing artificial nacho cheese product. That ooey, glooey texture.
Alex: Great. First the cops raid my house and now you see me wrapped in polyester. Real attractive.
Paige: Hon if you needed a job so bad, you could have asked me. Of course I can only pay you in t-shirts.
Alex: My mom needs the cash fast. Big faceless corporations weren't the only ones Chad stole from. He racked up my mom's credit card, so...
Paige: Um I wish I could do something. I mean maybe I could lend you a little bit.
Alex: No, I'll be fine.
Paige: So um how is the lovely and talented Miss Carla these days?
Alex: I think Ms. PHD was slumming it with me. Besides we had zero in common. It just wasn't worth my time.
Paige: Well if Ms. Snooty Pants thinks she's too good for you, she isn't invited to my housewarming party.
At Paige's housewarming party
Marco: Man these appetizers are like tiny little flavour bombs. How does Paige do it?
Ellie: She's just a culinary wizard, I guess. Even the devil has her fine points.
Marco: Ellie don't start, okay? You told her it was okay to date Jessie.
Ellie: It bugs. I can't help it.
Marco: So there's plenty more fish in the sea, okay? We'll hit a club, put you out there.
Ellie: Great. Meeting guys at a club. Yay.
Paige: You made it...with guests.
Jay: Paige, this is my new girlfriend, Mel.
Alex: You said invite people. Their movie ended, so I did. Now where can I change out of this loser suit?
Jay: Mel's been telling me she might be able to get you out of that sexy uniform.
Mel: Yeah they're looking for cute servers where I work.
Paige: Where's that? A strip bar?
Jay: Club Zanzibar. Perfectly respectable cocktail bar...on one side. Crazy hot peelers on the other, or so I've been told.
Mel: Yeah they prefer to be called exotic dancers. Besides I work in the bar, fully clothed at all times. It's good tips. About $150 a night.
Alex: And they're hiring?
Mel: Come by. I'll get you an interview.
Paige: Jay's girlfriend works at Zanzibar. Quel surprise. Guess NASA wasn't hiring. At Emma's, during dinner
Spike: How are things at the garage?
Sean: Okay. Actually not so good. It's kind of dead end. Need to upgrade my skills if I want to run my own shop.
Mr. Simpson: Have you considered a technical high school?
Sean: I need hands-on experience and a pay check.
Emma: So you're just going to skip high school, forget your diploma?
Sean: I can get all the training I want and get paid for it.
Emma: Where?
Sean: Nowhere. Just forget it.
Emma: Forget what? Where is this wonderful, merry, magic mechanic land?
Sean: This isn't exactly how I wanted to tell you this. It's the armed services.
(Emma laughs.)
Emma: You're not serious.
Sean: Yeah I am. I signed up already, passed my physical. I'm pretty psyched, actually.
Mr. Simpson: You know with your skills, it might be a perfect fit.
Emma: I'm sorry. I've lost my appetite.
(Emma leaves the table.)
Mr. Simpson: Ketchup?
At Zanzibar
Stephanie: The girls are all friends here. You'll like it.
Alex: Thanks Stephanie. I'll, I'll see you tonight for my first shift.
(She walks over to Mel.)
Alex: Hey work buddy. Thank you so much!
Mel: You got it! That's amazing. Steph is cool, but then there's-
(The creepy owner walks over to them.)
Mel: Alex this is Vlad...
Alex: Hi.
Mel: ...the owner and Alex is our new server.
Vlad: Welcome Alex. You are prettier than many of my dancers.
Alex: Well thank you I think...in a clothes-on sort of way.
Vlad: My girls are very well paid and they're very happy. Maybe sometime you want to audition.
Alex: Oh definitely not.
Vlad: I understand. I'm sure you'll make a great waitress. Like this one.
(Mel makes a face as he leaves.)
During Alex's shift
Alex: You weren't lying, eh? I think I've cleared a hundred already.
Mel: (with a fake accent) That is nothing. Girls on the other side are rich and happy like movie star.
(One of the strippers walks off the stage.)
Alex: She doesn't look so happy to me.
Mel: Maybe not, but she is paid well.
Alex: Small price to pay for your soul.
Mel: Lexy, if you are so against stripping, then why are you working here?
Alex: Why else? I need the money.
Mel: So does she. The only difference between her and us, is that she needs it more.
At Alex's
Alex: Hey.
Emily: Greasy popped-popcorn 'til 2am?
Alex: I quit! I got a job as a waitress at this schmancy bistro. Goodbye minimum wage, hello crazy tips.
Emily: That's great. I'm really happy for you.
Alex: Your happiness is overwhelming.
(She shows her an eviction notice.)
Alex: We're getting evicted?
Emily: Yup. We have 10 days to come up with the money. You know anyone with a spare two grand kicking around?
Alex: Just how? How did this happen?
Emily: Well we'd been bouncing rent checks for the last two months and I had no idea.
Alex: Mom how could you not know that?
Emily: Chad hiding the letters from the building manager, that's how. And no, I'm not proud I trusted that scumbag.
Alex: Okay. So what do we do now?
Emily: Well I asked for a raise again. They turned me down again. I never wanted it to be like this, Lexy. I let you down and...
Alex: Chad did this, mom. Not you.
[SCENE_BREAK]
In Alex's room
(Alex is practicing her dance moves.)
Alex: Okay tell me I don't look completely idiotic.
Mel: Well not if you're on your way to a rap video shoot.
Alex: Or say the stage at Zanzibar.
Mel: Woah, woah, woah. This is why you called me here at 9:00 in the morning?
Alex: Kind of.
Mel: Whatever happened to a small price to pay for your soul?
Alex: Well my soul just got a whole lot cheaper. Try not to laugh okay. I need your help.
(She starts practicing to the video on her TV and Mel starts laughing.)
Alex: Nice vote of confidence, jerk.
Mel: I'm sorry. I'm on 3 hours sleep. Maybe it's just too early for me to picture you as an exotic dancer.
Alex: Who am I kidding? I can't do this.
Mel: And that's bad? There's got to be another way.
Alex: Sure. Uh armed robbery, prostitution, drug mule, tiger poaching...
Mel: What about Paige?
Alex: Paige looks a lot better off than she is. Not that I'd ever ask.
At Degrassi
Sean: Emma!
Emma: Sean, are you crazy? If principal Hatzilakos sees you out here, she'll...
Sean: She'll what? She'll give me detention? I'm outside. Just talk to me, alright? I've been calling you around the clock.
Emma: I know.
Sean: So why haven't you answered?
Emma: Because I can't believe you'd make such a stupid decision without even talking to me.
Sean: Emma I thought you'd be happy for me. You know spreading democracy, peace keeping, protecting our country. These are all good things.
Emma: Sean you would hate it. The army is all about taking orders and being told what to do and what to think.
Sean: So being told what to think is wrong? Isn't that what you're doing?
Emma: This is different.
Sean: How?
Emma: Because I'm your girlfriend, Sean! If you join the army, you could get hurt and I need you right now.
Sean: Why? Tell me. I can take it.
Emma: Honestly I'm not sure you can. At Paige's
Paige: Describe the function of enzymes and metabolic reactions in mitochondria.
Alex: How about not? Break time?
Paige: I thought you'd never ask. So uh I have some news. You are looking at a newly single girl.
Alex: You broke it off with Jesse?
Paige: We had zero in common, hon. He wasn't worth my time.
Alex: Well it sounds like you got it all figured out, Paigey.
Paige: Hardly. I was supposed to be at Banting fast tracking to an MBA. I was supposed to be a sorority girl sipping cosmos with Brittany and Amber, but here I am chilling with you and it feels right. Why is that?
(Paige kisses her.)
Alex: Why do you keep doing this to me?
Paige: Sorry I...I thought the door was kind of open.
Alex: Yeah it's been open for weeks. The problem is you keep opening it and then closing it and opening it and closing it. Just make up your mind!
Paige: Look you're cool with being a lesbian, but I don't know what I am.
Alex: The word is bisexual Paige and it's just a label. Who cares?
Paige: My parents already have one gay kid.
Alex: So?!
Paige: So I just dropped out of university! Let them deal with one major parental crisis at a time.
Alex: Great. Everything's always on your schedule, isn't it?
Paige: I am supposed to give them grandkids one day. You do not get the pressure I am under.
Alex: Pressure? Excuse me for finding your idea of pressure pretty...pretty damn pathetic right now.
Paige: Hon, don't cry.
Alex: Stop. You don't get to break my heart and then comfort me too.
(Alex leaves.)
At Emma's
Emma: This is my worst nightmare, Manny. My boyfriend is joining the war machine. He could get himself killed protecting big corporations from the poor.
Manny: Well at least you're keeping an open mind, Jay. Look I'm sure Sean's doing it for the right reasons and I bet one of them is you.
Emma: I know. I just, I had these plans for me and Sean and him joining the army wasn't among them.
Manny: And you don't like it when things don't go according to plan.
Emma: No. I really, really don't.
Manny: Em, we're getting into control issue zone. Are you sure you're okay?
Emma: Yes I'm fine! This is just Sean, okay?
(The phone rings and Jack picks it up.)
Emma: Jack!
Manny: Hello?
At Zanzibar
Alex: Alright guys.
(Alex gives a table their drinks and she slaps a guys arm away as he tries to grab her ass.)
Alex: Thank you.
(She takes her end of the night tips and eyes all the money one of the strippers gets.)
Outside Emma's
Sean: Emma! What was so important that you couldn't tell me on the phone? I'm worried about you.
Emma: You might want to sit 'cause this is gonna freak you out.
Sean: I don't need to sit. I know what's going on. You're emotional, you're scattered, you have trouble concentrating. It adds up. You're anorexic again, aren't you?
Emma: No. Sean you're not even close. I'm pregnant.
Sean: You're right I am going to freak out. Uh are you sure? You do a test?
Emma: We'll do it together, okay? At Alex's
Alex: Tell me something good mom, please. How did it go with the uh building manager? Get that extension?
Emily: I tried.
Alex: Tried what? What did you do?
Emily: Well turns out he doesn't have a thing for me after all.
Alex: So we're still being evicted.
Emily: You think they'll remember us at the women's shelter?
Alex: We're not going back there mom, ever. I know what to do. At Emma's
Sean: I thought we had all the bases covered.
Emma: And sometimes you hit a homerun. Accidents can happen. Maybe the pill didn't kick in.
Sean: Time's up.
Emma: It's negative.
Sean: Yes!
Emma: Don't get too excited. False negatives are common. I have all the symptoms, I'm days late!
Sean: So now what do we do?
Emma: We talk. We, we make decisions. I never thought I'd abort and there's always adoption, but...
Sean: Emma! Emma the test said it was negative, alright? Just take a breath before you start getting all worked up about this.
Emma: Okay. I'll breathe. At Zanzibar
Mel: Oh my god. You're actually gonna do this.
Alex: That would explain the outfit, yeah.
Mel: Vlad just let you? No audition?
Alex: Apparently I have natural talents. Might as well use them.
Mel: So you just changed your mind?
Alex: Life changed it for me, Mel.
Mel: Lexy, I have seen so many girls do this. If you go out there, it changes you.
Announcer: And now let's welcome newcomer to our stage, the beautiful Lextasy.
Alex: I'm not going out there, Mel. Lextasy is.
(She walks onto the stage and starts dancing with the pole.)
Scenes for next week
Voiceover: A relationship...
(Ellie is shown with Jessie.)
Paige: Will you be my sweetheart?
(Alex kisses Paige.)
Voiceover: Based on deception.
Alex: If she finds out I'm an exotic dancer, there won't be one at all.
Voiceover: s*x, lies...
(Ellie and Jessie are shown in bed together, Alex is shown slamming the door and a customer gives her money.)
Allan: Name your price.
Alex: This never happened okay?
Voiceover: And exposure.
Jay: You see if a hot girl shakes her naked ta-tas for a living, word gets around.
(Paige throws a bouquet of flowers at Alex.) | Plan: A: Alex; Q: Who becomes a waitress at a gentleman's club? A: her; Q: Who is Emma upset that Sean's plans for the future do not include? A: financial debt; Q: What is Alex and her mother drowning in? Summary: Alex becomes a waitress at a gentleman's club when she and her mother start drowning in financial debt, but she soon finds out that there's more money to be made onstage. Meanwhile, Emma is upset when Sean's plans for the future do not include her. |
INT. APARTMENT
(Ted opening wedding invitation, Ted sits down and looks at R.S.V.P card, makes check mark)
Future Ted VO: When you're single and your friends start to get married, every wedding invitation presents a strange moment of self-evaluation. Will you be bringing a guest or will you be attending alone? What it's really asking is where do you see yourself in three months? Sitting next to your girlfriend or hitting on a bridesmaid? I always checked that I was bringing a guest. I was an optimist.
('Two Months and 26 Days Later,' Ted sitting on couch talking on phone)
Ted: Who the hell am I gonna bring to this wedding?
(screen splits, Barney in cab on phone on left side of screen, Ted on right side)
Barney: Ted, have you ignored all my teachings? Ted: For the most part, yeah.
Barney: You don't bring a date to a wedding. That's like bringing a deer carcass on a hunting trip. Oh Ted, oh Ted, no, no date.
Ted: Deer carcass, really? That's the metaphor you're going for?
Barney: Ted, it's a simile.
Ted: Well, it's too late now. If I don't bring a date, a $200 piece of chicken-slash-salmon will go uneaten. I gotta bring someone, but who?
Future Ted VO: Of course I knew who I wanted to bring: Robin.
(TV screen showing Robin reporting in front of bridge)
Future Ted VO: The big unanswered question in my life. Problem was, she was dating this really rich guy named Derek.
(shot of Derek and Robin sitting in back of car)
Future Ted VO: Pft, Derek.
INT. MACLAREN'S
(Marshall, Lily, Ted and Barney sit at booth, Robin stands by booth)
Robin: Well, Derek and I just broke up.
Lily: No, that's terrible, are you OK?
Marshall: Yeah, do you need a drink or something?
(Robin sits down next to Lily)
Robin: Never really clicked. I felt bad though, he was pretty bummed.
Barney: Don't beat yourself up. He'll be fine. I mean, the guy's like a billionaire. He can put his platinum card on a fishing line and reel in 10 chicks hotter than you.
Robin: Thanks, I feel a lot better. Think I'll get that drink now.
(Robin gets up and walks over to bar)
Ted: OK, guys, I gotta say something. I think my feelings for Robin may be resurfacing.
(Marshall laughs)
Lily: Oh, because they were buried in a shallow grave.
Marshall: Not again. Come on, dude, we all know how this movie ends. Ted falls in love. Love kicks Ted in the sprouts. Roll credits.
Ted: No, you guys just have to look at the whole picture. Fact.
(flashback to Robin and Ted dancing in her apartment)
Ted: Robin was into me when we first met. Fact.
(flashback to Ted and Robin kissing on roof)
Ted: Even though she didn't want a relationship, we had an amazing kiss on the roof. Fact.
(flashback to Ted and Robin kissing at New Year's)
Ted: On New Year's Eve, we kissed again. Fact.
(back to present scene)
Ted: I need a date to this wedding. Wish me luck
(Ted gets up and walks over to Robin at bar)
Barney: What I don't get is, why is Claudia marrying Stuart? She's way hotter than him. How way? Way way.
Marshall: This wedding does sound pretty amazing though. Fancy hotel ballroom, everybody all dressed up.
Lily: Ah, here we go.
Barney: What?
Lily: We can't get anywhere with our wedding plans because I want it to be fun and Marshall wants it to be lame.
Marshall: Oh yeah, OK, that's a pretty fair assessment of our two arguments.
Lily: I thought so.
Marshall: You know what, excuse me if I don't wanna get married barefoot in the woods next to Lake No-one's-gonna-drive-that-far. Yes, I want a ballroom and I want a band and I want shoes.
I've been dreaming about this day since I was like...
Lily: A little girl?
Barney: What up?
(Barney and Lily high-five) Marshall: OK, I'm just saying, that it's my wedding too and I should have a say in it.
Lily: Yes, but I'm the bride so I win.
Marshall: Well, I thought marriage was about two equal partners sharing a life together.
Lily: Right. But I'm the bride, so I win.
Barney: Seriously, Claudia and Stuart?! I mean, I've hooked up with the odd lass who was beneath my level of attractiveness, but, you know, I was drunk. There's no way Claudia has been drunk for three years.
(Ted and Robin talking over by bar)
Ted: You know, I've always found that the best way to get over a failed relationship is to celebrate someone else's successful one.
Robin: Well, makes sense.
Ted: So, with that mind, our friends Claudia and Stuart are having this crazy, black-tie wedding on Saturday. You wanna be my 'plus one'?
Robin: Ooh, 'plus one', you make it sound so romantic. Ted: Fine. You wanna be my date?
Robin: Your date? I'd love to. Um, how fancy are we talking about here?
Ted: Oh, you're gonna wanna bring your A game.
Robin: Oh, I'll bring it. I'll bring it so hard the bride's gonna look like a big white bag of crap.
(Robin puts her drink down on the bar and heads over to booth)
Robin: Lily, I need a dress.
Lily: You're going. That's awesome. Oh my God, four days to find a dress?
Robin: I know, it's a suicide mission.
Lily: Well, if we leave now, we can still have a fighting chance. Let's do it.
(Lily and Robin rush out of bar)
Marshall: Bye babe.
Ted: Whoa, did you see how fired up she was? I don't know, there's something there. And come Saturday, a little music, a little dancing, a lot of champagne. Who knows? Barney: Wow, Ted, you're gonna have to find another gender for yourself 'cause I'm revoking your dude membership.
Ted: Yeah, how was that manicure yesterday?
Barney: Invigorating, thanks.
Future Ted VO: OK, I wasn't going to say it in front of the guys but back then I really thought that's how it worked.
(Ted and Robin dressed up dancing)
Future Ted VO: You put yourself and a girl you like in some romantic setting. The stars line up and shazam.
(Ted and Robin lean in towards each other as if to kiss)
Future Ted VO: I know now that life is never that simple.
EXT. STREET
(Ted sees Claudia talking on phone)
Ted: Hey, Claudia!
Claudia: (on phone) Yes, I want Tahitian vanilla. You wrote it down wrong? No no no no no, listen to me. If I go to my wedding and the cake is not Tahitian vanilla, I will come down there and burn your little shop to the ground. Do you wanna find out if I'm kidding? Good-bye.
(Claudia hangs)
Ted: Hey, how's it going? Claudia: My wedding's in two days, that's how it's going.
Ted: Oh, don't worry, it's gonna be great. I'm so excited.
Claudia: You should be, lots of single girls.
Ted: Oh, well, yeah, I'm bringing a date, so I'll be off the market.
Claudia: What? Ted: I'm bringing a date.
Claudia: You're not bringing a date.
Ted: Uh, yes I am.
Claudia: Uh, no you're not.
Ted: I checked 'plus one'.
Claudia: No you didn't.
Ted: Claudia, I'm pretty sure I checked...
Claudia: Ted, you did not check 'plus one', you are not bringing a date to my wedding.
Ted: But I already invited someone.
Claudia: You are not bringing a guest, Ted. The guest list has been closed for months. Months!
Ted: But I checked 'plus one'. I always check 'plus one'.
Claudia: You absolutely did not check 'plus one'. If you had checked 'plus one', I would have called you to get the name of your guest so I could get the guest cards printed up. Did I call you to get the name of your guest? Is there a place card with her name card printed on it?
Ted: She doesn't need a place card, she knows her name.
Claudia: What's she eating? You ordered the chicken, what did she order? Do you see how your story is full of holes?
Ted: Come on, Claudia, we go way back. Isn't there room for just one more person?
Claudia: Don't make me hurt you Ted.
INT. MACLAREN'S
(Marshall, Barney and Ted sit at booth)
Ted: I don't believe this, Claudia is crazy.
Barney: But to be fair, she's also hot.
Ted: I totally checked 'plus one', I'm sure I did.
Barney: Yeah, right.
Ted: I did.
Barney: Yeah, I don't think you did. You know why? Because deep down, you didn't want to show up at this thing with a date. See, for all your big talk about being ready for a relationship, deep down you're single. It's your default setting. Ted, you know what's in the back of your brain?
Ted: Oh great, here comes the 'little Barney' speech.
Barney: Behind a curtain, in a dark little room, secretly controlling your every move...
Ted, Marshall: A little Barney.
Barney: A little Barney. And you know what he said? (changing tone of voice) "Ted, you will bring no dates to this wedding. You will hit on drunk bridesmaids with actual-size Barney."
Marshall: Wow.
Ted: Please stop. I gotta call Claudia. If I just explain to her...
Marshall: Ted, no. Let it go. She's about to get married. She's got enough to worry about.
Ted: Then what am I gonna do?
Marshall: The only thing you can do. Tell Robin she can't come.
INT. ROBIN'S APARTMENT BUILDING
(Ted walks towards Robin's front door, Ted knocks on door)
Robin: (from inside apartment) Just a second.
(Lily opens door and steps out into hallway with Ted, Lily closes door behind her)
Lily: Hey.
Ted: Hey, listen.
Lily: Wait, two things. First of all, I've been laying groundwork all afternoon, totally subtle, totally cool, not pushing, not even nudging. Just the theme of today is Ted rocks. And she's picking up on it lying down.
Ted: Lily's there's a problem.
Lily: Wait, no, thing number two. The dress, we got a dress.
(Lily opens door and steps aside)
Lily: Go.
(Ted walks into Robin's apartment)
INT. ROBIN'S APARTMENT
Robin: Well, did I bring it? Or did I bring it?
(Robin spins and flips her hair)
Robin: I think I brought it.
Ted: Wow.
Robin: That's what I was going for. I'm so excited about tomorrow. We're gonna have so much fun.
Ted: Yeah, about that.
(Robin looks at Ted) Ted: I'll pick you up at five.
(Robin smiles)
INT. CAB
(Ted and Lily sit in back of cab)
Lily: So, the dress?
Ted: I don't have a 'plus one' for the wedding.
Lily: What?
Ted: I ran into Claudia and she told me I didn't check 'plus one' on the reply card.
Lily: Why didn't you check 'plus...
Ted: I did check 'plus one'.
Lily: But Robin is so excited.
Ted: I know.
Lily: And the dress.
Ted: I know.
Lily: Oh. OK, OK, we'll, we'll sneak her in.
Ted: We can't sneak her in, we're not ninjas.
Lily: I wish we were ninjas.
Ted: I know.
Lily: You can always ask Stuart.
Ted: Can I do that?
Lily: Sure, you guys have been friends for a long time, and it's 40% his wedding too.
Ted: Oh, it's gonna be a tough sell.
INT. STUART'S APARTMENT
(Ted and Stuart standing and talking)
Stuart: Dude, no problem whatsoever.
Ted: Really? Stuart: Sure, the more the merrier.
Ted: Wow, wow, thanks for being so cool about this 'cause you know Claudia said...
Stuart: Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah, this morning at the rehearsal, Claudia called our 7-year-old flower girl a whore. So, don't take it personally, she's just a little stressed.
(Stuart opens front door)
Ted: Yeah, she's not usually like that.
Stuart: No.
Ted: Well, thanks, Stu, it's gonna be a great wedding.
(Ted walks out front door)
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. APARTMENT
(Lily sitting on couch reading magazine, Marshall sitting at table behind couch)
Lily: Honey, this magazine says more and more couples are opting to have nontraditional weddings out in the woods.
Marshall: Well, if a magazine says so, we should go get married in the woods like a couple of squirrels.
Lily: Squirrels don't get married, Marshall.
Marshall: Like you could possibly know that.
(Ted enters front door)
Ted: I did it. I did it. I'm taking her to the wedding.
Lily: Nice.
Marshall: What? How?
Ted: I talked to Stuart.
Marshall: Oh, you went around the bride. "Oh, this hornet's nest looks harmless. Maybe I'll poke it with a stick. Oh, look, some gremlins, let me go feed them after midnight." Did you known about this?
Lily: It may have been my idea.
(Marshall exhales)
Lily: What? Stuart doesn't get a say.
Marshall: Ha! So you admit it, the groom should have an equal say.
Lily: Oh, yeah, sure, on the stupid stuff, like who comes.
Marshall: So I can invite whoever I want.
Lily: Sure, there's plenty of room in the woods.
(Cell phone rings, Ted takes his cell phone out of his pocket)
Ted: It's Claudia.
Marshall: So, it begins.
Ted: Come on, it can't be that bad.
(Ted looks at phone)
Ted: Here, Lily, you answer it.
(Ted hands phone to Lily)
Lily: What? Why?
Ted: Because this whole thing was your idea. And Claudia scares me.
Lily: But...but you're the guy...oh.
(Lily takes Ted's phone and answers it)
Lily: Ted's phone. Oh, hi Claudia. What?
Future Ted VO: Now I wasn't there, but what I heard, it went something like this.
(flashback of Stuart and Claudia talking in their apartment)
Stuart: Uh, by the way, honey, Ted stopped by and I told him he could bring his date to the wedding.
Claudia: You what?
Stuart: I told him he could bring a date to the wedding.
(scene fast forwards)
Claudia: Always undermining me at every turn.
(scene fast forwards again)
Stuart: Try to show a little flexibility, but no, it's all about you.
(scene fast forwards some more)
Claudia: And your mother, calling me all the time...
(scene fast forwards yet again)
Stuart: You know what, the wedding's off.
(Stuart walks out and slams door)
(back top present scene)
(Lily covers mouthpiece of phone and whispers to Ted and Marshall)
Lily: They broke up.
(Marshall slaps Ted)
Ted: Ow!
Lily: (to Claudia on phone) Uh-huh, uh-huh.
Ted: It's not because of me, is it?
(Lily nods to Ted)
Lily: Uh-huh.
(screen splits to show Claudia in back of cab talking on phone on right side of screen)
Claudia: My dad already paid for this huge wedding. He's gonna kill me. He's gonna kill Ted, then I'm gonna kill Ted.
(another cell phone rings, Lily passes phone to Ted)
Ted: It's Robin.
Lily: Answer it.
Ted: Uh, Lily's phone.
(screen splits with Robin on phone on left side and Ted on phone on right side)
Robin: Ted. Where's Lily? I need to tell her about these awesome shoes I just bought.
Ted: Uh, Lily's busy.
Robin: Oh, OK, well I just wanted to say they're gorgeous and Ted's gonna love them.
Ted: That's great. I'll tell Lily to tell me. Uh, listen, I really wanna keep talking but now's not a good time so, um, I'm really excited about tomorrow. OK, bye.
Robin: Bye-bye.
(Ted and Robin hang up)
Ted: Crap, she bought some expensive shoes. She's really looking forward to this. Do you think she's into me?
Marshall: Ted, focus.
(split screen with Lily and Claudia on respective phones)
Lily: Sweetie, just calm down. Do you wanna go somewhere and talk?
Claudia: I wanna go somewhere and drink.
Lily: OK, meet me at MacLaren's. I'll see you there.
(Lily and Claudia hang up phones)
Ted: I feel terrible.
Marshall: Well, feel terrible later. Right now, we gotta fix this. Lily, you go down to the bar and comfort Claudia. Ted and I will go and try to talk some sense into Stuart.
Ted: Tell Claudia I'm sorry. Did she seem pissed at me?
Lily: She said if there's no wedding tomorrow, you owe her father $400,000.
Ted: Let's say we get these crazy kids back together.
INT. MACLAREN'S
(Claudia sitting at bar drinking and looking sad, Barney approaches her)
Barney: Hi, sad-eyes. What's got you down? Claudia: Stuart and I just broke up.
(Claudia starts to cry)
Barney: Oh, God, I'm so sorry. That's just, that's just... (to bartender) two vodka cranberries.
Claudia: You remembered I drink vodka cranberries.
Barney: Remember? When it comes to you, how could I forget?
Barney: (to bartender) They all drink vodka cranberries.
Barney: So, is there anything else you need, sweetie?
Claudia: You got $400,000?
Barney: No, but I do have a hug.
(Barney puts his arms out, Claudia hugs him)
Barney: (looking up, whispers) Thank you.
INT. STUART'S APARTMENT
(Ted and Marshall talk to Stuart as he packs books into boxes)
Ted: Stuart, I don't know what to say. If I caused this in any way...
Stuart: Ted, for all I know you did me the biggest favor anyone's every done me.
Marshall: Oh, come on, man, you don't mean that.
Stuart: Yeah, I do. This whole thing's made me realize, I miss being single. I miss staying out late and making messes and not cleaning them up. I miss owning p0rn.
Marshall: Dude, who doesn't.
Stuart: You know, I'll see some super-hot model chick and I'll think, "why am I with Claudia? I can be with her."
Ted: That's crazy. I mean, you're the luckiest...you and Claudia both...
Stuart: The point is, I wanna get married, I wanna settle down. But right now, that's just not who I am. I'm not a commitment guy, I'm a single guy.
Ted: Stuart, you don't have to be one or the other. Everybody feels this way sometimes.
Relationships aren't easy, they're hard work. It's about compromise, growing together, all that Dr. Phil crap.
Stuart: How would you know, you're not even married?
Ted: OK, ask this guy. Nine years he's been with Lily. He's the pro. This guy knows relationships. Tell him, Marshall.
Marshall: Stuart, don't get married.
Ted: Dude.
Stuart: What?
Marshall: I'm sorry. Being in a couple is hard and committing, making sacrifices, it's hard. But if it's the right person, then it's easy. Looking at that girl and knowing she's all you really want out of life, that should be the easiest thing in the world. And if it's not like that, then she's not the one. I'm sorry.
Ted: You know I don't have $400,000, right?
INT. MACLAREN'S
(Barney and Claudia sit next to each other in booth) Claudia: Maybe we got together too young. Maybe that's what the problem was. I mean, I'm 28 years old. I've really only been with one man.
Barney: That's just, that's... (yelling over to bartender) two more vodka cranberries please.
Barney: Claudia, it's all gonna be OK.
Claudia: Thanks for listening, Barney. Really means a lot to me.
Barney: Isn't it weird that we should run into each other like this? Two souls of equal levels of attractiveness, both fitting together like two pieces of a very attractive puzzle.
Lily: Oh, hell no.
(Lily grabs Barney's ear and drags him away from Claudia)
Barney: Oww
Lily: Claudia is getting married tomorrow and so help me God, if I catch you even so much as breathing the same air as her, I will take those peanuts you try to pass off as testicles and I will squeeze them so hard your eyes pop out and then I'll feed them to you like grapes.
Barney: Wait, my eyes or my testicles? Lily: One of each.
Barney: All right, all right.
(Stuart, Marshall and Ted enter MacLaren's)
Stuart: Claudia.
Claudia: Stuart. I'm so sorry.
(Claudia stands up)
Stuart: I'm so sorry too.
Claudia: I love you.
Stuart: I love you too, babe. Marshall and Ted set me straight, and when Marshall told me not to marry you, it made me realize...
Claudia: Marshall said what?
(Claudia pushes Stuart out of the way to try to attack Marshall, Marshall hides behind Lily)
Stuart: He made me realize how much I love you. These guys got us back together.
(Stuart and Claudia kiss)
Ted: So, where did we land on the whole 'plus one' thing?
(Claudia turns around and tries to attack Ted, Ted runs away) Future Ted VO: It took three more vodka cranberries to subdue Claudia but eventually she graciously agreed to let me bring Robin.
INT. ROBIN'S APARTMENT BUILDING
(Ted walks up to Robin's front door in tuxedo, knocks on door, Robin opens door)
Ted: Still wow.
Robin: Wow yourself. Look who else brought it.
INT. ROBIN'S APARTMENT
(Ted walks into Robin's apartment)
Ted: Oh yeah, I thought about leaving it at home, but I figured I don't wanna get there and realize I need it and have to go all the way back to get it, so, yeah, I brought it.
(Robin's cell phone rings)
Robin: Sorry.
(Robin takes phone out of purse and answers)
Robin: Hello. Oh my God, tonight? You're kidding. Robin: (to Ted) They want me to anchor the news tonight.
Robin: Really? Like, anchor anchor? What happened to Sandy? OK, OK, sure, what time do you need me to...Right now! Oh.
Ted: Do it. Do it.
Robin: OK, I need like five minutes to change and um, I'll call you from the cab...
INT. WEDDING RECEPTION
(Ted and Barney sit at table, Marshall and Lily dancing)
Marshall: So, admit it, this wedding is both indoors and amazing.
Lily: I'll give you the crab puffs. The crab puffs are good.
Marshall: Crab puffs were incredible.
Lily: We should totally have them at our wedding.
Marshall: Definitely. Hey, we just agreed on something.
Lily: Did we just start planning our wedding?
Marshall: I think we did.
(Marshall and Lily kiss)
Lily: We totally have to get that brown dipping sauce.
Marshall: Oh, I thought the red sauce was like aweome.
Lily: My God, were you born without taste buds? (Marshall smiles and laughs)
Lily: What?
Marshall: I love you.
(cut to Robin anchoring the news)
Robin: Coming up, are there snakes living in your walls? The answer may surprise you, after the break.
(back to wedding scene)
(Stuart and Claudia dance)
Barney: Man, you know something, Stuart's my new hero. If that dude can bag a nine, I gotta be able to bag like a sixteen.
Ted: What's a sixteen?
Barney: Those two eight's right over there. Yeah.
(Claudia and Stuart walk over to Ted and Barney)
Claudia: Hi Ted.
Ted: Claudia.
Claudia: We just wanted to get a picture with the woman who almost ended our relationship.
Stuart: Yeah, where is she?
Ted: Um (clears throat) She couldn't make it.
(Claudia laughs)
Ted: What's so funny? Claudia: Plan a wedding, you'll see.
(Stuart and Claudia walk away)
Ted: Look at that. That's how it's supposed to be, that, right there. Easy. Simple. It's just not like that with Robin. It's not easy, and on some level, it has to just be easy.
Barney: Speaking of easy, bridesmaids, Ted. Bridesmaids.
(Claudia walks towards Ted)
Claudia: By the way, I almost forgot. We found this.
(Claudia hands Ted his reply card, Ted takes it and looks at it, Claudia walks away)
Ted: I didn't check 'plus one'. You were right. Barney: Of course I was right.
Ted: I'm single. Maybe that's just who I am. And you know what? I like being single.
Barney: Being single's the best.
Ted: Stay out as late as you want.
Barney: Answer to no one.
Ted: The whole world full of endless possibilities.
Barney: Never having to go to a farmer's market.
(Ted and Barney clink champagne glasses)
Barney: OK, ah, doing some math here. Table six has got three bridesmaids, an eight, an eight and a seven. I am willing to give you one of the eight's, lowering myself to a fifteen, which means you owe me...
Future Ted VO: So there we were, two single guys doing our usual single guy thing. For whatever reason, I had let myself believe that this night would be a turning point, that this was the night that my life, my real life, would finally begin. Funny thing is, I wasn't totally wrong.
(Ted notices girl at table, Girl looks at Ted and smiles
Future Ted VO: 'Cause that night was just beginning. | Plan: A: a friend's wedding; Q: Where did Ted bring Robin as his date? A: the wedding; Q: What does Ted and Marshall want to resume? A: last-minute; Q: What type of opportunity at work causes Robin to cancel? Summary: Ted's decision to bring Robin as his date to a friend's wedding leads to an argument between the bride and the groom that abruptly ends the wedding. Ted and Marshall comfort the bride and groom and urge them to resume the wedding. They agree, but a last-minute opportunity at work leads Robin to unexpectedly cancel, leaving Ted to go alone. |
[PREVIOUSLY_ON]
Dan : You were at that party that night, but you didn't have s*x with Nathan Scott, did you?
Renee : No.
Nathan : It's over.
Dan : I'd been given only days to live. That was 14 months ago.
Rachel : so how'd you know she was lying?
Dan : takes a con to know a con.
Brooke : that night you said you were gonna take that movie in New Zealand, I wrote "marry me" in the sand, and then I didn't tell you because you said you were leaving.
Julian : I didn't know.
Quinn : hey.
Clay : I think you should go home to David.
Sara : I don't want you to be alone, honey. Why'd you send her away?
Clay : I loved you so much, Sara. I don't want to lose us.
Sara : But now it's time to let go.
IN SPAIN
Doctor : Don't worry, señor. You won't feel a thing.
Dan : So, tell me, doc. How many heart transplants have you done?
Doctor : Dos o tres. Más o menos.
Dan : Whoa, whoa, wait. Doc, I-I'm -- I'm not under yet. I'm still here. Hey, doc, doc, doc, I'm still here. I'm still here, doc. I'm still here. I'm still here! I'm still here!
Rachel : It's okay, baby. It's okay. It was a dream, right? it was just another dream.
AT SCOTT'S HOUSE
Haley : he's going.
Nathan : all right, Haley, I just wanted to spend this weekend with my son and my friends. i barely even know this guy.
Haley : he's going.
AT BROOKE'S HOUSE
Brooke : you're going.
Julian : an entire weekend in the woods -- you realize I know nothing about camping?
AT SCOTT'S HOUSE
Nathan : What does this guy even know about camping? He makes movies -- and not very good ones.
Haley : Julian lives in tree hill now. It's time he hung out with the guys.
AT BROOKE'S HOUSE
Julian : I'm not a guy's guy. I don't have homies.
Brooke : I don't think anyone has had homies since 1989.
Julian : I'm just saying my close friends have always been girls.
Brooke : You mean like Alex?
Julian : Yes, exactly like... I'm going.
Brooke : Yeah.
AT CLAY'S BEACH HOUSE
Sara : Hi, Clay. You know how cute I always thought you were. Oh, I bet you'd like that, wouldn't you, you perv?
Clay : I-I'm sorry. "Fast times" was on cable last night.
Sara : Show a little respect for the dead, you goof.
Clay : Sara. This isn't healthy, is it?
Sara : oh, I don't know -- probably healthier than all the women you've had in your pool in real life. Then again, skipping the guys' weekend to spend time with your dead wife...probably not so healthy.
AT SCOTT'S HOUSE
Skills : Man, when I said guys' weekend, I BB pictured us by the pool at the Bellagio, room and drinks comped all 'cause we're rolling with Nathan Scott.
Mouth : Yeah, that's exactly what I wanted -- a weekend in some casino sports book -- 50 TVs, 50 stations, none of which will hire me.
Skills : Yeah, but the damn woods, with hungry animals and dudes with hockey masks?
Mouth : Come on, man. Camping's a great way to forget your life. No TV, no internet, no cell phones.
Skills : Yeah. No way to call for help. No, I guess it'll be all right.
Chuck : Hi, coach Skills.
Skills : Aw, Chuck.
Brooke : And above all, just be yourself.
Julian : Brooke, it's a camping trip, not the first day of school.
Brooke : Well, did you remember to bring a little thermos with the sippy cup?
Julian : I got it covered.
Brooke : Geez, Eddie Bauer! Did you buy the whole catalog?
Julian : First rule of camping -- be prepared. I think.
Nathan : first rule of camping -- travel light.
Julian : Attention, all campers. Bill Murray? "Meatballs"?
Nathan : Hey, look, everyone. It's Julian.
Chuck : Who the hell is Julian? Have a good weekend! See ya!
Brooke : See ya!
Haley : See ya, fellas.
Brooke : Bye, guys.
Haley : Have fun. Be safe. You think we'll ever see them again?
Brooke : Oh, I wouldn't worry. Julian has enough equipment to survive in the woods for seven years.
Haley : Well, I hope you're ready for girls' night, 'cause Quinn made brownies.
Quinn : Brownies!
Brooke : Mmm. They smell incredible.
Quinn : They should. They're Taylor's recipe.
Haley : Oh, sweet. I love Taylor's brownies.
Quinn : When hales was in high school, she used get all stressed about grades and tests, and we would always make special brownies.
Brooke : Special brownies?
Quinn : Yeah, you know, the usual -- eggs, milk, brownie mix... a little weed.
Brooke : Does she know that?
Quinn : No.
Brooke : Looks like the boys aren't the only ones going on a trip tonight.
IN WOODS
Jamie : Uncle Skills we has planted our tents.
Skills : Ah ready go guys ! All right, here are your merit badges
Mouth : Hey it is for what that?
Skills : I took that to the store have few them to give that all the weekend. Check this out. Who wants to get their "go get me a beer" badge?
Jamie/Chuck : I do! I do!
Skills : Nice.
Julian : So, this is the same tent the Japanese climbers took to the top of Mt. Everest.
Nathan : Well, then you should be good here, 100 feet above sea level.
Julian : If only the instructions weren't also in Japanese. Well, I think that looks pretty good. So, would you call that a two-man tent?
AT SCOTT'S HOUSE
Quinn : You might want to slow down a little.
Haley : That was the thing about Taylor's brownies. The more I eat, the hungrier I get.
Quinn : Yeah, there's a reason for that.
Brooke : It's girls' night, right -- all about spilling secrets?
Haley : Oh, no. what'd you guys do?
Quinn : Okay, Taylor's recipe calls for an eighth of granddaddy purple.
Haley : What is that, some kind of breakfast cereal?
Quinn : Not exactly.
Haley : pot?! I have to go throw up.
Brooke : no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Quinn : Oh, relax, Haley-Bob. You're about to, anyway.
Haley : I do not believe, all those years, you and Taylor were getting me high.
Brooke : Yeah, who knew tutor girl was actually stoner girl?
Quinn : we never gave you the full-strength recipe until now.
Haley : I can't do this. I have a child!
Brooke : Who is away for the weekend. You have had a rough couple of months. It is perfectly acceptable to mellow out a little.
Haley : I'm so getting you back for this.
Quinn : Oh, come tomorrow, you'll be thanking me.
Haley : Well, maybe I've built up an immunity to these brownies. I mean, I've had two already, and I don't feel anything.
Haley : Now, when they say they represent the lollipop guild, do you think that's a trade union? And if it is, why did they unionize? Did they need shorter hours or longer sticks or different flavors? Look at their little suits. They really crack me up.
Quinn : Wow. That didn't take very long. Brooke, are you okay?
Brooke : Will you please tell that munchkin to stop looking at me?
Quinn : Great. She gets chatty, and you get paranoid.
AT CLAY'S BEACH HOUSE
Sara : A classic overcorrection.
Clay : You ask for it.
Sara : Just give me something simple, elegant, beautiful.
Clay : You just described everything I love about you.
Sara : I thought you didn't believe in love. Isn't that what you told that girl Kylie?
Clay : I meant... I could never love anyone as much as I loved you.
Sara : Except for Quinn.
Clay : It's not like that with Quinn.
Sara : I could always tell when you were lying.
IN BACKSTAGE
Rachel : the ratings are in. last week's show with Renee was our highest ever.
Dan : I'm glad.
Rachel : We have momentum. We need something big for sweeps, and then Dr. Phil can suck it.
Dan : Well, maybe we can get Lucas to do a guest spot. It's not like he's doing anything.
Rachel : Hey, Lena, beat it. He's got enough eyeliner. Okay. What's going on? Does this have anything to do with the fact that Nathan never called to say thank you?
Dan : Of course not. I never expected that.
Rachel : God, because we both know that's not gonna happen. Now get your head in the game. We have an empire to build.
IN WOODS
Julian : Alex isn't that bad once you get to know her.
Mouth : I'm just saying I've known Brooke a long time. I saw how hard it was for her to get over a broken heart.
Julian : well, nobody's gonna break
Mouth : Brooke's heart. Well, good, 'cause if you do, you'll answer to me.
Skills : Yeah, and I seen him naked. He been working out.
Julian : Hanging with the guys rules.
Skills : So, how you doing, Chuck?
Chuck : My mom says you can't marry Miss Lauren 'cause you don't make enough money.
Skills : Ah, well, guess who just lost their "keep their damn mouth shut" badge.
Nathan : So, over the last few months, with everything that's been going on, maybe you were kind of scared?
Jamie : Not really. I knew Grandpa Dan would save us again. So, can we forgive him now?
AT TV BROADCAST
Dan : last week I helped a confused young woman free herself from her tangled web of lies and deceit. But tonight is about you. So tonight I ask you to turn your gaze inward and confess the truth inside yourself... to turn your gaze inward... ...and confess. And confess -- confess the tru--
Rachel : We should've saved that for sweeps.
IN WOODS
Chuck : That was awesome!
Skills : One bravery badge coming right up.
Chuck : Whoa.
Skills : It's your turn, J. Luke!
Jamie : It's so far down.
Nathan : This was my favorite part of camping when I was your age. All right, jimmy-jam. See what you got.
Julian : I can't do it.
Nathan : What are you talking about?
Julian : It's -- it's too high. I'm going back down the trail.
Jamie : I better go with Julian.
Nathan : Jamie, we've been talking about this for weeks, man.
Jamie : But he might get lost.
Julian : That's true. I am directionally challenged.
Nathan : Okay. well, I guess I'll see you guys at the bottom, then.
Julian : Whew.
Jamie : Thanks, man.
Julian : No problem.
IN BACKSTAGE
Rachel : Here. You're a genius, you know that? I mean, who could miss a single episode when Dan Scott could keel over and die at any minute?
Dan : I saw something out there, Rachel, in the audience. A boy -- he was bleeding. Felt like my heart was gonna burst out of my chest.
Rachel : you're crazy. Your heart's fine.
[Flash Back]
Rachel : Without a new heart, you're gonna die.
Dan : Maybe I want to die.
Rachel : loon called from Putnam and Pratt. He read the first three chapters of the book. He says it's gonna be a bestseller. Think of all the good we'll do, all the people we'll help.
Dan : All the money we'll make?
Rachel : that too.
Dan : How much is this heart costing us?
Rachel : $5,000.
Dan : That's very reasonable.
Rachel : It's a fortune to these people. Now get some sleep. Tomorrow you're gonna be a new man.
AT CLAY'S BEACH HOUSE
Clay : Sara, did you feel any pain... when you died, in that moment?
Sara : No.
Clay : Well, I did. And I do, every day. And it's not fair.
Sara : Life isn't fair, clay. But you being miserable is never gonna change that.
AT SCOTT'S HOUSE
Haley : These leftovers are incredible. I am such a good cook.
Brooke : What's going on with you and the hot agent?
Quinn : Clay?
Brooke : Who are we talking about?
Quinn : Nathan's agent, clay.
Brooke : Right. Is something going on with the two of you?
Quinn : No, but it's better that way. My psychic told me to avoid emotional entanglements.
Brooke : You have a psychic?
Quinn : She's not really mine. Her name's Zelda.
Haley : Oh, my god. She does house calls.
Quinn : Oh, my god. We are totally calling her.
Brooke : No. no, no. no. please, no creepy psychic -- I can't handle it right now.
Haley : See if she can bring us a pizza.
IN WOODS
Julian : We did this in a movie I just produced. We just need one spark.
Nathan : All right, Spielberg. Why don't you produce us some marshmallows?
Skills : So, the girl say she thinks she heard a noise scratching on the car door, right? So she freak out. She tells the dude, "take me home now". So of course he gets all mad because he knows he's not getting no action tonight, right? So he drives the girl all the way home. And get out the car to try to help her out, you know? And there on the door handle was a bloody hook.
Chuck : That story isn't scary, not when you have a bravery badge.
Julian : You want to hear something really scary?
Chuck : Bring it, Julia.
Julian : Okay. Well, this is a true story about an old witch who used to live in these very woods. Her name was drag-leg Laura. And they called her that because she had a wooden leg. And you could always hear Laura coming because she would drag it behind her in the mud. Well, the day after Laura died, some kids decided that they wanted to dig up her body and steal the wooden leg. So they took it back to their tent. And then, just about midnight, on a night just like tonight, they heard it. Laura was coming back for her leg.
AT SCOTT'S HOUSE
Quinn : Wow. That was fast.
Brooke : It's because she's a psychic, so she probably knew that we were going to call her and started heading over here. This is so creepy.
Haley : Oh, I'm sure she's not that creepy. Okay, she's creepy.
IN WOODS
Skills : Nice going, Hollywood. You scared the piss out of Chuck. Good thing his mama packed extra underwear.
Julian : Drag-leg Laura works every time.
Jamie : I wasn't scared. It's just a story.
Julian : Drag-leg Laura, zip-lines -- we're all scared of something.
Jamie : Not my dad.
Nathan : All right, buddy. I think it's time for bed.
Jamie : All right. Good night, guys.
Guys : Good night.
Jamie : Dad, I'm sorry I didn't do the zip-line.
Nathan : It's okay, buddy. Maybe tomorrow, if you want, huh?
Jamie : Sure.
Nathan : All right.
AT TV BROADCAST
Rachel : Come here. Ah. A million dollars for your thoughts. And I'll throw in back-end points.
Dan : Just thinking about sweeps. You're right. We need something big. Maybe I come clean, show them all that I've got a new heart, that I'm not really living on borrowed time.
Rachel : You do that, and all this goes away.
Dan : Maybe not. Maybe they've really been listening to what I've been saying, and maybe they'll forgive me.
Rachel : No. they'll tolerate a criminal. They'll look the other way at murder. But if they find out that behind the curtain oz is just a man, they'll never forgive you.
Dan : Eventually that clock has to stop ticking, Rachel.
Rachel : Does it? You've given these people something to believe in. don't take it away to quiet your own guilt.
IN WOODS
Mouth : Thanks.
Nathan : I never said thank you, mouth.
Mouth : You don't have to.
Nathan : Yeah, but you spoke up for me when nobody else would. I'm really sorry you lost your job, man. There any chances they take you back?
Mouth : Probably not. I committed the cardinal sin of broadcasting. I told people to turn the channel. Networks don't really like that.
Julian : Yeah, well, the whole landscape of television is changing anyway.
Mouth : Yeah, but what's next?
Julian : The internet -- it's faster, it's cheaper, and it's everywhere.
AT SCOTT'S HOUSE
Haley : Is your career path pretty much just laid out for you as soon as your parents name you Zelda? Zelda. It's kind of like if they call you Bambi or Oprah.
Zelda : What are your questions for the universe, my child?
Haley : I'm sorry. Okay. Will Nathan play for the bobcats this season?
Zelda : Prospects are hazy. Ask again.
Haley : You sound like one of those magic 8-balls.
Zelda : You sound like you've been eating pot brownies.
IN WOODS
Mouth : okay, best sports movie ever.
Nathan : easy. "Field of dreams."
Mouth : I'm gonna go with "coach carter."
Skills : Ooh, strong.
Julian : "Cool running's."
Nathan : Seriously?
Julian : Yeah.
Nathan : What, all the sports movies of all time, and you're gonna -- you're gonna pick "Cool running's"?
Julian : Yeah. I like it. Jamaica we have a Hoosiers team.
Skills : "Hoosiers" -- hands down, best sports movie ever made.
Nathan : You're right -- definitely "Hoosiers."
Julian : I know the guy who coordinated the basketball for that movie.
Skills : What's that?
Julian : Well, you know, the actors don't just make that stuff up. There's a sports coordinator on set who comes up with all the plays.
AT SCOTT'S HOUSE
Zelda : I'm sensing something.
Brooke : It's Julian, isn't it?
Zelda : It's Julian. And he's --
Brooke : Conflicted about something, right?
Zelda : Exactly. it's --
Brooke : Alex Dupré?
Zelda : Yes. It's Alex Dupré.
Brooke : I knew it. Zelda, you're good. You're creepy as hell, but you are good.
IN WOODS
Skills : Let's talk about what Alex Dupré look like naked.
Julian : Oh, let me guess -- Chase Adams. I thought bartenders were supposed to keep their mouths shut.
Skills : Yeah, and they're also supposed to make good drinks, too.
Alls : Enjoy the buzz.
Mouth : So, that's what you meant by not that bad once you get to know her.
Julian : It was a misunderstanding -- a very brief, somewhat naked misunderstanding.
Skills : Yeah, there ain't nothing wrong with a little window-shopping, either, right?
Julian : Yeah, well, she's no Brooke Davis. But you guys have all seen her naked on film.
Skills : Wait. Who we talking about?
Julian : Alex -- she's the only actress in Hollywood who insists on doing nudity.
Skills : Yeah, Alex -- that's -- that's what i thought.
Julian : Wait, who are you talking about?
Nathan : Skills.
Julian : Skills.
Skills : Nathan and Brooke kind of made a s*x tape in high school. Okay. Good night.
Mouth : See you guys in the morning. Or maybe just one of you.
AT CLAY'S BEACH HOUSE
Clay : I never told Nathan we were married.
Sara : Why not?
Clay : There was never a good time.
Sara : To mention you had a wife?
Clay : I know. It's just... people mean well, but they don't really know what to say. They try, but just... after a while, it was just easier not to.
Sara : For who -- you or them?
Clay : I don't know. Them? Both, maybe.
Sara : Well, it might help you to tell someone. And it might really help you to tell the right someone.
AT SCOTT'S HOUSE
Zelda : There's a man in your life. He's suffered a great loss. He's struggling.
Quinn : My husband, David.
Zelda : No, it's not David. But whoever it is, I'm getting the strong feeling that he needs you right now.
AT SCOTT'S HOUSE
Haley : Ooh, magic 8-ball, is Zelda really psychic? What? Outlook not so good. I told you. She's a total fake.
Brooke : Magic 8-ball, is Zelda standing right behind us?
Zelda : You may rely on it. You're not alone in this house.
Brooke : What? Wait! Zelda, you can't do that.
Zelda : Oryctolagus Cuniculus.
Brooke : She just cursed us. Quinn, your creepy psychic just cursed us.
Quinn : Okay. On that note, I got to go.
Haley : No, Quinn, you can't -- the brownies.
Quinn : Yeah, I didn't actually have any brownies. Someone had to keep an eye on you two rookies. And you're gonna come down any minute, I promise.
Brooke : I knew that woman would bring a demon into your house.
Haley : Hey, that's kind of harsh. She's still my sister.
Brooke : Not Quinn. Zelda. She said we're not alone.
Haley : Oh, stop it. I'm sure we're perfectly safe.
Brooke : If there is an evil spirit in this house, this is definitely the best way to keep it from killing us.
Haley : It's just a mass-produced board game, dude.
Brooke : That doesn't matter, dude. Now, what did Zelda say? Oryctolagus something. Oryctolagus... Cunniling--
Haley : It wasn't that. You're so bad.
Brooke : You're right. I wouldn't be afraid of that. Okay. Let's do it. Okay. Oh, great Ouija board, is there a mean spirit in this house?
Haley : You're pushing it.
Brooke : I'm not, I swear.
Haley : You totally are.
Brooke : I'm not. Okay, fine, don't touch it. Ouija board... is there anyone in this house?
IN WOODS
Julian : So, let me get this straight. You were on a break from Peyton --
Nathan : Oh, come on. It was eight years ago. I was so drunk, I don't even remember.
Julian : Well, good thing you got it on tape.
Nathan : Just let it go. It's a nice tent.
Julian : I have a lambskin sleeping bag. I'm quite warm. Don't change the subject.
Nathan : Look, I get it. The idea of me and Brooke is weird for you. I lost my virginity to my sister-in-law. You don't think that makes thanksgiving a little awkward from time to time?
Skills : You still awake?
Mouth : Yeah.
Skills : What'd you think about what Julian said?
Mouth : I don't know. Maybe he's right. Maybe I could have my own sports show on the internet. Then I could say anything I want. Call the website something like raw mouth.
Skills : I'm pretty sure that's already taken.
Nathan : My father's new wife is my age, and she hit on me after she slept with my uncle cooper. Yeah. Don't even get me started on my dad.
Julian : Yeah, your old man and my old man should get together and go bowling. "Breakfast club."
Nathan : You really got to quit with the movie quotes, man.
Julian : I can quit that. But I wish I knew how to quit you.
Skills : Okay, so enough about your new p0rn site. I'm talking about the "Hoosiers" thing. See, I was planning on starting my own business training athletes, right? But sports coordinating -- I think I'd be good at that.
Mouth : You'd be great at that.
Skills : Julian's cool.
Nathan : That's not cool, man.
Julian : Lighten up, Francis. Everybody loves a good "Brokeback Mountain" jokes.
Nathan : Not when you're over there sleeping in your lambskin condom.
Julian : Oh, you should talk. You're the one who showers with dudes on a nightly basis.
Chuck : You think drag-leg Laura is real?
Jamie : Nah. I can tell you a real story. It's about this girl named Nanny Carrie. And it actually happened... to me.
Julian : You're good with the kid, you know that?
Nathan : I've had my moments, believe me.
Julian : Yeah, but your dad was a dick, and yet somehow you turned it around for your own son. They should give a merit badge for that.
AT SCOTT'S HOUSE
Brooke : Zelda said Julian's conflicted about something.
Haley : I -- listen, I realize the irony of the following statement, but you can't take everything Zelda says too seriously.
Brooke : I feel it, Haley.
Haley : Brooke, that boy loves you. He would move mountains for you if you asked him to.
Brooke : I don't know. What if the guy I want to spend the rest of my life with doesn't feel the same way?
Haley : That's just the brownies talking.
Brooke : No, I think they're wearing off.
IN WOODS
Julian : I could see spending the rest of my life with Brooke, but I know she wants kids. And I don't know if I'm ready for that. I don't know if I'll ever be.
Nathan : Jamie likes you.
Julian : Jamie likes that I suck at stuff.
Nathan : What do you mean?
Julian : I'm just saying when you have superman for a father, sometimes it's nice to hang around with Clark Kent. Rain? Really?
Nathan : I wouldn't worry. I hear lambskin is the safest form of protection. You'll be fine. All right. Come on.
AT CLAY'S BEACH HOUSE
Sara : You should've gone on the camping trip.
Clay : I wanted to spend time with you.
Sara : You're not with me, clay. You're alone. And I don't want you to be. What can I say? I'm good. Let her in.
Quinn : Hi.
Clay : Hey.
Quinn : Look, I know this is gonna sound weird, but are you okay?
Clay : Yeah. I'm fine. Why?
Quinn : Well, it's just -- never mind. Can I come in?
Clay : No. when are you gonna get it, Quinn? You can't be here. You need to go.
IN QUINN'S CAR
Clay : I'm sorry.
Quinn : I don't get it. I-I don't even know what I'm doing. I mean, I don't know what we're doing. Are we even doing anything?
Clay : I like you, Quinn. It -- it's just... her name was Sara. And I loved her. She was my wife. But, um... she died. And I've never told anyone... up until now
ON THE BEACH
Clay : It was sudden. It was just one minute she was there, and the next she was gone. So that's when I just threw myself into my work. But I learned that it doesn't matter how fast you run. The pain will always run faster. That's when my life just went completely off the rails.
Quinn : Ad that's why your agency sent you to tree hill.
Clay : Yeah. And that's also why I told you to go back to David. I know what it's like to lose the one thing that Quinn : You love more than anything in this world.
Quinn : I'm so sorry, Clay. I wish there was something I could do for you.
Clay : You're doing it, Quinn.
[Flash Back]
Rachel : You're alive, baby. You have a new heart.
Dan : Rachel.
Dan : Where'd you get the heart?
Rachel : What are you talking about?
Dan : It was a boy, wasn't it?
Rachel : He was on life support. I paid his family the money, and they pulled the plug.
Dan : You paid them? He might have gotten better. We bought his death. We killed him.
Rachel : I did what I had to do to save your life. I'm not a murderer, Dan. that would be you.
IN WOODS
Chuck : Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Nathan : What's going on?
Chuck : Drag-leg Laura! Listen!
Julian : That's definitely drag-leg Laura.
Chuck : What are we gonna do?
Julian : Well, the only way to get rid of her is to catch her in the eyes with the beam of your flashlight.
Jamie : Don't worry. My dad will do it.
Nathan : What? No. No. No way I'm going out there, man. I'm way too scared.
Jamie : All right. I'll go. Hey, guys, it's not drag-leg Laura. It's just some stupid old gate.
Chuck : Wow, Jamie. That was awesome.
Skills : Jamie Scott -- one bravery badge.
Jamie : Yes.
Skills : Chuck, you might want to go change your underwear again.
AT SCOTT'S HOUSE
Brooke : All right, buddy. Okay. If this is our last night on earth, I just want you to know that I am really glad we are spending it together.
Haley : No, this is silly. You are just paranoid. We weren't even hearing things. It was just the brownies.
Brooke : It's coming from the closet. Whew.
Haley : This is ridiculous.
Brooke : Cuniculus.
Haley : What?
Brooke : Oryctolagus...
Brooke/Haley : Cuniculus!
Brooke : That's what Zelda said. The evil spirit...in the closet. Here I come.
Haley : Wait! Oryctolagus cuniculus -- the Latin word for "bunny rabbit."
Brooke : That Zelda's a bitch.
IN WOODS
Nathan : Kids are finally back asleep. How'd you know about the creaky gate?
Julian : oh, I--I just saw it when I was out getting firewood. Nice performance.
Nathan : Julian. You knew Jamie needed that.
Julian : Oh, it was no big deal.
Nathan : Hey, being a father is 95% instinct. And you have good ones. When the day comes, you'll be ready.
Julian : Thanks, man. You know, that was my first-ever fist bump.
AT DAN'S HOUSE
Rachel : Don't over think it. Come back to bed, baby. You need rest.
Dan : You're right.
Rachel : I do.
Dan : In fact, I've been thinking. Maybe we need a vacation.
Rachel : Now, that's my boy. Where do you want to go -- the Bahamas, Hawaii?
Dan : Tree hill. I want to go home.
ON THE BEACH
Quinn : It's almost morning. I should go.
Clay : Or, uh, you could stay.
Quinn : Tell me more about Sara.
Clay : She would've really liked you. | Plan: A: Julian; Q: Who agrees to a weekend camping trip but struggles to fit in with Nathan and the guys? A: Tree Hill; Q: Where do Brooke and Haley spend Girl's Night? A: a little bonding; Q: What do Brooke and Haley do on Girl's Night? A: Quinn; Q: Who helps Clay deal with a tragic loss? A: Clay; Q: Who does Quinn help come to terms with a tragic loss? A: Dan; Q: Who's past catches up with Rachel? A: Cutting Crew; Q: What band did this episode get its name from? Summary: Julian agrees to a weekend camping trip but struggles to fit in with Nathan and the guys. Back in Tree Hill, Brooke and Haley spend Girl's Night doing a little bonding of their own, and Quinn helps Clay come to terms with a tragic loss. Meanwhile, Dan and Rachel's past catches up to them. This episode is named after a song by Cutting Crew . |
[At Fangtasia. Eric and Pam]
ERIC: We need a sanctuary.
PAM: Oh my god, what did you done.
ERIC: I slayed a vampire, lover's Russel Edgington.
PAM: Are you insane?
ERIC: WHERE CAN WE GO?
PAM: A human home would be safe. We both have been invited in the Sookie's.
ERIC: It's out of the question.
PAM: You never panic. Should I panicked?
[Ginger arrives.]
ERIC: Ginger, dear, where do you live?
GINGER: Across the river, in Bossier. Why?
PAM: We need your house. Now.
GINGER: It's because of the V-faid's?
[Nan Flanagan is in the Fangtasia, with officiers.]
ERIC: Sorry Miss Flanagan. The bar is closed.
NAN: Thank you, I already ate. Tru Blood only, of course. You can't stay out of trouble, can you? The V.R.A is two states away from ratification. I should be kissing asses in the Oregon, not cleaning up after you in f*ckin' Louisiana.
ERIC: I promise that there nothing is missing in my area.
NAN: Shut up. You're making my head hurt. Officers. Silver him.
[Eric gets hurt. Ginger screams.]
Credits
[Russel arrives on his castle running.]
RUSSEL: Where is he?
GARD: In the office, sir.
[He discovers what's left of Talbot.]
RUSSEL: Talbot. My love. Hahh!
[Stackhouse's house. Sookie and Bill are together on the shower. Then Sookie see a were-wolf dead boby in her living-room.]
BILL: Yeah, I suppose I should have mentioned that.
SOOKIE: There is an old tarpaulin that back. Normal couples do not do this, Bill Compton.
BILL: Don't you giving up on being like a normal couple? What would you rather to be doing? Sit on the sofa, watching television.
SOOKIE: I uses to be excited like that, you know. You spoiled me. Just once, I'd like to not find a dead body in my house. Is that asking too much?
BILL: Sookie, he was sent to kill you. If I didn't kill him, he would have come back for you. You have to trust me. Don't you?
SOOKIE: I do... I mean... I try to, but these are things like...
BILL: Like?
SOOKIE: Like that secret file you got on me. You know, the one Russel Edgington showed me. Birth certificates, family trees, newspapers about me. He said it's yours.
BILL: It's true. I gathered these information to find out why Eric Northman was such unusual entrusting you. I assume this has to do with what you are.
SOOKIE: Do you know what I am?
BILL: Truly, I do not. And I'll doing my best to find out.
SOOKIE: Okay, see, I don't know how you did things in 1800. But keep a file on the woman you love, it's... creepy.
BILL: I have to know what you are, or else I can't protect you.
SOOKIE: But you have to trust me. And stop to thinking of me as a thing to be protected. I'd take care of Debbie by my-self. I'm not afraid to spoon long blood anymore. Much you such want to be human. I think I meet the halfway to vampire.
[New scene. Lafayette is sitting on his sofa. Jesus arrives.]
JESUS: What?
LAFAYETTE: Usually, this is when I come out an excuse to get you the f*ck out of here.
JESUS: Like "I've got to get work early. "Or "I think I've got food poisoning. Or "Would you mind help me to clean up the lice out of my bed?"
LAFAYETTE: I go with ticks.
JESUS: And which is it this time?
LAFAYETTE: I guess you can stay.
JESUS: Good answer.
LAFAYETTE: Really?
JESUS: Very good answer.
LAFAYETTE: I like your ink.
JESUS: Seems the Olmeques and the Mayas used to worship jaguar. He is strong and elusive. He hold the power over the universe.
LAFAYETTE: Is that what you think of your-self.
JESUS: Okay, my high school was the Jaguars.
LAFAYETTE: That's more like it. But it's pretty anyhow.
[New scene. Jason's house.]
CRYSTAL: I told you, he is not here.
FELTON: So where the f*ck is he? And why he didn't chained you up?
CRYSTAL: I don't know! Stop! I can't think!
JASON: Keep quiet! Hands on your head!
FELTON: You're a cop?
JASON: Shut up!
FELTON: Is he a cop?
JASON: Don't answer that!
CRYSTAL: Not really.
FELTON: What do you asking? A ransom? We ain't got much.
JASON: A ransom?
CRYSTAL: He wants some money!
JASON: What the hell are you talking about?
FELTON: I don't leaving you baby. You are promised me since you were four.
JASON: She is a woman, she can do what she wants!
FELTON: You're the one who f*ckin' kidnapped!
JASON: What?! She came to me!
FELTON: What? Is that true? I swear I'll got to kick your ass if you ran away!
JASON: Don't talk to her like that!
FELTON: Don't make me hit you. You know I hate when you make me hit!
JASON: Dude! I've got the gun! Shut the f*ck up! Why is he think I kidnapped you?
CRYSTAL: He raped me too!
JASON: What?!
FELTON: That is my girl!
JASON: I didn't rape no one!
FELTON: Gimme the gun baby! Bitch! Why the f*ck did you hit me!
JASON: Give me that! Could you now make me a rapers?
CRYSTAL: I'm sorry! It was the best I could think of! We better tie him up before he comes to. He is a lot stronger than he looks!
JASON: Alright, I've got my handcuffs.
CRYSTAL: Oh no! He can escape handcuffs.
JASON: What? What is he? A magician?
CRYSTAL: Just... A rope. Trust me. Bring me a rope.
[She finds V on the Felton's pocket. New scene. At Fangtasia.]
NAN: The downstairs is clean.
ERIC: I told you there was nothing.
NAN: It's been white.
ERIC: Well, I'm a Virgo. I like to be neat.
NAN: Your screaming fangcrush of the barmaid. Who's been glamored so much that she can't even remember her own last name, does know, that no one never goes down with so much than a mop and a promise. Suddenly, it's as sterile than an operating room.
ERIC: Doesn't prove anything.
NAN: If only we have a Magister to decide that. Relax. It's not like you killed someone. I just need your official statement. That's all. Webcams, for the Authorities. Members of the Authorities, it's Nan. Can you hear me? Good. As regards to the matters of the disappearance of our Magister. Last know where about: this dumping at Shreveport, Louisiana. You have before you Eric Northman, sheriff of area 5. Smile to the cameras Eric.
[New scene. Sam' house. Tara is crying.]
SAM: I spiced it a little. Looks like you could use it. Hey, listen. What you went through seems like more than a person can endure.
TARA: You're here.
SAM: Yeah, but I'm don't think I'm doing to much good. You have you... thought about...
TARA: I'm not gonna consult a shrink. Pour my guts ahead a stranger it's the last thing I need.
SAM: Just tell me you'll think about it.
[The phone rings.]
SAM: I got it. Arlene?
TERRY: You're lucky, it's just me. But Arlene is fixed for throw some Molotov in your little brother's window if you don't get down here.
SAM: Why? What's going on?
TERRY: There's all kind of noises, Sam. Girl noises. Ordinarily, I don't keep anybody to enjoying him-self.
ARLENE: Enjoying? She sounds like she is being murdered.
TERRY: Listen, I've got my two kids who had schools in the morning and a pregnant woman who says she need at least nine hours to sleep.
ARLENE: It's for the baby!
TERRY: I'd try knocking on the door, but they ain't answer. I know it's late for you too, but if you could...
SAM: No, it's alright. I'll be right over... five minutes, okay?
TOMMY: Yeah! Lean up! Go on!
SAM: Hey, I've got... I've got to run over to the apartments. Do you wanna... ?
[At Fangtasia]
ERIC: There is a pattern. The Turks told have found shapeshifty jackals at the fall of Constantinople. The Azteques were decimed by a disease from Conquistadores's were-dogs. Each times there's been wolves full by vampire blood. I never leave find him in Augsbourg, in 1945. His wolves were in the service of the Wehrmacht. He disappeared at the end of the war and I... Thought he was finally met the true death. Now he is return.
NAN: Do you know why?
ERIC: In time of conflict, Russel Edgington insert him-self into the affaires of man.
NAN: To what end?
ERIC: He claim it's supervising human from destroying planet, and them-selves, those our food source.
NAN: But the Tru Blood changed all that. They were no longer food for us. The Grand Revelation...
ERIC: Russel Edgington opposed the Grand Revelation, he doesn't want to coexiste with humans. He wants to subjugate them.
NAN: The Authorities will not...
ERIC: "I f*ck The Authorities!". Russel's words. Repeated.
NAN: This is why he killed the Magister?
ERIC: No, he killed the Magister, because the Magister defied him. He kidnapped the Queen Sophie-Anne because she refused to him. And now, if The Authorities or the L.V.A standing his way. Well...
NAN: These is treason elocutions. Why did you report this?
ERIC: I should have. But The Authorities has existed for only a few hundred years. My history with Russel Edgington goes back in nearly a thousand. My family was massacred. All of them... by wolves. I managed to kill one. And I'd watching him change into a man at the end of my sword. And these wolves, they are the same. Sweeden... Germany, here. With all respect, I did not report Russel Edgington to you, it's because I want him to die at my own hands. I've waiting a thousand years for this.
NAN: Yes. Yes, I understand. I'm flying immediately to Portland. Thank you.
ERIC: What? Is that it?
NAN: The Authorities will review your statement against the franquely strong possibility that I've lost an entire night of spends hearing time to promoting the V.R.A, and also listened to a lot of bullshit. But some do believe in a fair hearing. Americans...
ERIC: Miss Flanagan, Russel Edgington is a treat to our very existence.
NAN: But he is a king. One who's just donned an half million dollars to the same Vampire American League then you say he is trying to break down. Weird, Um? Bring it up a couple of coffins for Sheriff Northman and his... What ever you are. You are locked down, to the Authority makes his ruling.
[Nan Flanagan goes away, leaving Eric and Pam alone. New scene, Tommy's apartment, Sam arrives.]
SAM: Jesus, put on some clothes.
TOMMY: Sorry, can't hear you. I'll put on some clothes.
GIRL: Hey! Oh, you're the guy from the bar.
SAM: Yeah.
TOMMY: Hey Sam, this is Nicole.
NATALIE: It's Natalie! It's okay, we ain't got much talk.
SAM: You're hit?
TOMMY: No!
NATALIE: But I am, You wanna some?
SAM: No, no.
NATALIE: Do you wanna me to go? I don't wanna get you in trouble.
TOMMY: No, no! He is gonna go. He is just stuck in trouble and he wanna drag me in. Seriously dude, look at your-self. I'm naked, she is naked. We are partying. And you're just standing there.
SAM: Listen, how you have a good time is your business. Believe me, I've done it all, and more.
TOMMY: Yeah, he says that. Where is that guy go?
SAM: You can't disturbed the neighbors when they want to sleeping.
TOMMY: And you tell me that as my landlord or my dad? Fine. Whatever. Yes, Sir. We'll keep it down. That all?
SAM: Okay. I'll see you tomorrow in the morning.
NATALIE: That is your dad?
[New scene. Jason and Crystal tied Felton to a tree.]
JASON: Where did you learn that sh1t?
CRYSTAL: I used to be a rodeo champ.
JASON: Really?
CRYSTAL: Okay! Call!
[Jason calls the police and take a weird voice.]
SECRETARY: Fox County, Sheriff costume department.
JASON: There is a guy tied to a tree on Jefferson road. It's about 3 miles north on I-20. He's got small bag full of vampire blood in his pocket. I think he is some kind of drug dealer!
SECRETARY: Does he need some medical assistance?
JASON: Hey, is he need a medical assistance?
CRYSTAL: It's good enough, come on!
[They get out on car. New scene. Lafayette's house.]
JESUS: Oh, sh1t. You should let me sleep last night. I've got a twelve hours shift. Hey Ruby, almost done in there? It's time for us to go home.
RUBY: You've got an excellent collection of cosmetics. I give you that. I'm ready for you now. Nothing can hurt me when I've got my war paint. Some is different about you.
LAFAYETTE: I don't think so.
RUBY: You haven't got your mask.
LAFAYETTE: It's because you did spend all my stuff.
RUBY: I see you. My son is shining through. And he did this to you?
LAFAYETTE: No. Yeah. I guess we can say that.
RUBY: I'll be damned. Maybe God loves fags.
JESUS: That sounds like a complement. Ruby, we've got to go, come you. you have to blessed the jelly before anyone can eat, come on.
LAFAYETTE: Go ahead. Without my ring. Thank you.
RUBY: Come see me, Lala.
LAFAYETTE: Of course Miss. Eat your vegetables.
JESUS: So, I'll see you?
LAFAYETTE: Well I'll see you.
[New scene. Jason and Crystal come in the police's office. Rosie is crying.]
JASON: What happened?
ANDY: Who is she?
JASON: It's Crystal. She will be with me for the day. Rosie? You're okay?
ANDY: One of our man were down last night.
JASON: What? Which man?
ANDY: Kevin! He is alive barely. His mum is at the hospital with him.
JASON: What eum... What happened?
ANDY: He was called on an emergency at 2 a.m.
ROSIE: I thought it was a rag. Some moron called, this guy disguised his voice, saying there was a guy tied to a tree who's hold a bag bowl of vamp blood. I didn't know.
ANDY: We sent a man into a trap. They smashed him up like a piñata! Crushed his trechea! He probably can't understand what they did else!
JASON: sh1t!
CRYSTAL: That's awful!
ANDY: God, damn it! Can't be loosing my adjunct for my first week!
ROSIE: He is the only man I ever loved!
ANDY: I've got to type my statement.
JASON: Gimme one second.
[Crystal see T-Bud.]
JASON: Hey, listen, Andy. I'm really torn about this thing with Kev.
ANDY: What do you want? A hug? I've got ulcer so big that coffee come out of my navel.
JASON: That it is possible?
ANDY: You've got tree seconds.
JASON: I've got an idea, that who might done. Did we find a bag of V, at the scene?
ANDY: Kenya put it in evidence, long with some guy had in clothes.
JASON: The rumor on the street, is that a meth Lab in HotShot, deal some V now.
ANDY: Where did you hear that?
JASON: You want to your cops to protect their sources, don't you?
ANDY: You ain't a... please go on.
JASON: I was think, if we can connect the V and the f*ck guy who kick Kevin at HotShot, then we get enough factor to do a raid there again. But you probably thought to that already.
ANDY: This is one of the several theories I've got. Then call at the Lab. I'll tell you what, if it turns that our V addict is from HotShot, I'll call then the F.B.I, the I.A, the A.T.F, the D.O.G and Blackwater, and I'm gonna send that sh1t all back on the fuckin hole they came out!
JASON: Yeah, yeah, I'm behind you boss. Overway to the ends on. And if you need any muscles with Kev gone.
ANDY: Go make sure Rosie hadn't drown under her desk.
JASON: Yes, sir.
[Andy take a bag bowl full of V from his desk. New scene. Tara come in a meeting. There is Holly.]
HOLLY: Hi! Tara, right? From Merlotte's?
TARA: Yeah.
HOLLY: Everybody, this is my friend from my new job. We didn't have a chance to know each other, but seems we are on the boat together now.
TARA: I don't know... I don't even sure why...
HOLLY: Oh, come on, don't worry. We are not as scary as we look like, I promise. I better start. Hello! I'm Holly. It's been a while since I speak, but there is a lot of new face here, I figure out take it turn. I'm a rape survivor. It's easy for me to say that now but, it took me ages to put that words together. It was woman like you all who help me in all way. Fifteen years ago, I was locked into a room and been rape by my colleague-work during five and a half hours. And every day, I've to fight with my memories of that, and that part of me who... wants to feel sorry for her-self, expects the worth part of people. But that's not who I was raised to be. And I still believe that people have were trusted. And every day, that piece of me gets a tiny bit stronger, and eke out just a... tiny bit more.
[Tara is crying. New scene. Sookie's house. She is looking at a old newspapers about her grand-pather. The phone rings]
SOOKIE: Hello?
HADLEY: It's Hadley. What are you doing in your house? I told you to leave Bon Temps! They are coming for you!
SOOKIE: Well, they came, they came and the rest shoot, and I'm still here.
HADLEY: Come on, I'm begging you! You and Jason are the only family I've got left.
SOOKIE: Where are you?
HADLEY: Well, Sook, do you think you can come in the aquarium in Monroe? I've got someone I need you meet.
[Sookie arrives at the aquarium. There is a little boy with Hadley.]
SOOKIE: Hadley?
HADLEY: Okay, stay right here, I'll be right back.
SOOKIE: Oh, my good. Is that?
HADLEY: I took him at the daycare. His dad don't know. I didn't see my son for over a year.
SOOKIE: Sweet, you're gonna loose him for good if you don't bring him back.
HADLEY: Did anyone follow you?
SOOKIE: What? What ever you don't telling me, now it's time.
HADLEY: Okay, okay. sh1t. I've screwed it up. I've got involve with a vampire.
SOOKIE: Okay.
HADLEY: Her name is Sophie-Anne. She is the Vampire Queen of Louisiana.
SOOKIE: The... ? Are you kidding me?
HADLEY: I told her things. I talked about you... and powers you've got.
SOOKIE: Why would you do that?
HADLEY: I didn't think anything over, but then suddenly she's got interested. And now, I think Russel Edgington is interested. sh1t! It's my stupid fault if all these vampires are after you!
SOOKIE: What do they want with me?
HADLEY: They... They don't think like regular people. I don't know the half of things they do. But just, now you have to get out of Bon Temps. Please.
SOOKIE: I'll find some place to hidden. Why haven't you left?
HADLEY: Hunter, sweety. Come say hi to your aunt Sookie. Sook, I need to know if he is like you. Please. If he is I've got to protect him. Hunter, come on sweety. Come on baby.
HUNTER: Who is this lady? Where is dad? Why isn't he here?
SOOKIE: It's okay. We don't have to talk. Which is your favorite fish in the aquarium? It's alright. No one knows. It's just us.
HUNTER: The blue one.
SOOKIE: The blue one is nice. I like the orange one too. You don't have to be scared. Your mum loves you very much.
HUNTER: Mum is really scared too. Mum is more scared than me!
HADLEY: Oh, sweet Lord! No! Come on. We have to go.
HUNTER: No! No!
SOOKIE: Where are you taking him?
HADLEY: I've got some friends. The less you know, the better. Come on, baby.
HUNTER: She knows! She knows!
HADLEY: Come on!
[SCENE_BREAK]
[New scene. At the Merlotte's.]
ARLENE: Where is the rest?
TOMMY: There's all on the table.
ARLENE: What ass it is? There is two dollars!
TOMMY: It sounds good to me.
ARLENE: Four daughters of the Confederacy with French manicures just told me I was the best served that they ever had. Don't tell me they left me two dollars.
TOMMY: That ain't my fault if they're cheap.
SAM: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. We can hear you in the sitting room.
ARLENE: Since when a four table left me a two dollars tip?
TOMMY: I haven't your money.
ARLENE: Turn up this little fucker outside down and check it out of him!
TOMMY: I'd like to see him trying!
SAM: Calm down!
ARLENE: If this little runt keep steal my tips, I've got to need a raise.
TOMMY: That's good one. A raise? For what? Service that fuckin sucks?
SAM: Hey, I'm taking that money out of your salary.
TOMMY: Oh, nice. So your gonna take her over mine? sh1t. Did you let anyone walk over you? Un-fuckin-believable!
[Holly arrives and finds Arlene crying.]
HOLLY: I've got two boys just like him. He will never admit he took the dollars, but he will never try to put out on you again.
ARLENE: Oh God, before it was a nice place to coming work.
HOLLY: I've seen worse. A lot worse.
ARLENE: I'm having kids, God loves them, but coming here was the best part of my day.
HOLLY: But you can see your man through the kitchen window, that is worth some, admit it.
ARLENE: I don't know for how much longer. The baby coming, it ain't his. I haven't say that, until now. The daddy, he is gone. He dead. But that man was purely evil. I'm bringing that evil child into this world. I know I am. And soon or later, Terry will go find out. I've got a time bomb in me. Six and a half month to fib on my-self and everybody else before the best man that I have ever encounter exposed to his miseries! How am I supposed to live with that?
HOLLY: You want this baby?
ARLENE: No. No, I don't. I... I can't believe I just said that!
HOLLY: Do you need someone to come with you in the clinic?
ARLENE: Oh, God no, no, no, no. i can't do that. It's wrong. It's very wrong.
HOLLY: Okay, okay. That's your business. But you ain't a time bomb. There is other way to resolve that.
[New scene. Bill's basement. Some drop of water falls from the trap-door. Bill wake up and arrives on the garden where Sookie were.]
CLAUDINE: No, it's impossible.
BILL: It's day light.
CLAUDINE: How did you? You killed her.
BILL: No! Come back!
CLAUDINE: No!
[Bill try to attack her then Claudine use some light against him.]
CLAUDINE: You've killed Sookie.
BILL: I haven't.
CLAUDINE: You'd take her blood. I can see it in you.
BILL: I love her.
CLAUDINE: You think you do. You only want her light.
BILL: No. She is safe. She is alive. I swear, I never wanted to hurt her.
CLAUDINE: Leave her alone, vampire. We will protect her.
BILL: How have you ever protecting her?
CLAUDINE: We have. Believe me.
BILL: Who is "we"?
CLAUDINE: Now, why would I tell you that?
BILL: Sookie needs to know what she is, so that she can protect her-self. Please. What ain God the name are you?
[New scene. Eric and Pam are in the Fangtasia.]
PAM: Did you sleep at all?
ERIC: I'm fine.
PAM: The guards are still outside?
ERIC: Pam, what ever the Authorities decides, I will not allowed you to take any responsibilities.
PAM: You didn't killed the Magister.
ERIC: But I do a clean scapegoat. Who is these is the pain in on. A sheriff who's incarcerated or a king, who might be anywhere? If they search at the Russel's palace, they will find the remains of his lover.
PAM: What did he do to you?
ERIC: Nothing. But he was the nearliest thing to the Russel Edgington's heart. He had to die.
PAM: I hundred years have been with you. Why didn't you never say anything about Russel or your family?
ERIC: You didn't need to know. Why could have share my pain with you?
PAM: You didn't need to carry about your-self.
ERIC: I am not weak. I was the sole survivor. The burden is mine alone.
PAM: We've live through so much, for so long. You can't and as it quickly.
ERIC: Everything ends. Even the immortal. If I can't go on, you must make a new vampire. It is your time to be a maker.
[New scene. At the Merlotte's.]
SUMMER: I'm so hungry, I could eat a horse.
JESSICA: Two?
HOYT: Hey Jess, this is...
JESSICA: Follow me.
HOYT: You didn't even say hi.
JESSICA: You know, you could come here in the day, or the nights that I'm not working. There even other place there you can go eat.
HOYT: This is my place. I have coming here for years. You didn't call at all, so why do you care?
JESSICA: I don't. It's fine.
HOYT: So, in that case, I'd like very much to you to meet Summer.
SUMMER: Jessica, I have heard so much...
JESSICA: sh1t!
HOYT: She didn't mean it.
SUMMER: I am so pride of you.
HOYT: Why?
SUMMER: Because you chose life. I love vampires as much as anyone else. But they have no life in them. Look how sad she is without you. She put you into the night. I'm just so thank for you chose to come back with me. Can't do much antiquing after the dark, can we?
[At the Merlotte's. Jason and Crystal.]
CRYSTAL: I saw the look into the T-Bud's eye. He thinks I'm a snitch! Why else would I been in a police stagement?
JASON: You don't have to worry about them. T-Bud, he is on your rear-view darling. Cause I've got hear the sheriff today. And we are gonna bust HotShot.
CRYSTAL: What?
JASON: We will circle them all up, and take them all down. Just lay low for a day, maybe two.
CRYSTAL: Wait. What's gonna happenned for them all?
JASON: They'll go to jail.
CRYSTAL: But they are my... There are my kin! Oh my god. We've got to prevent them!
JASON: No! You will running back to the same people you'd try to get away from them? Back to Felton? Who hit you and almost killed Kev? How could he run away anyway? We tied him up like a Christmas roast!
CRYSTAL: Jason, there are people there they don't touch the drugs. And the kids, they don't know nothing else. You can't send them into the system. You can't.
[At the Merlotte's. Jesus and Lafayette.]
JESUS: A visit from the chef! It's my lucky day!
LAFAYETTE: I wanna meet the tared f*cked who order the vegetarian burger with bacon.
JESUS: I was just curious to see if you'll actually do it.
LAFAYETTE: Well, fine for you, i can do some kind of things who's not run with my better judgment.
JESUS: that's why I'd come back. For the personnel service.
LAFAYETTE: You don't finished that. So ain't got no desert.
TARA: Lafayette! The nurse from Meadow Glade? Is this your thing?
LAFAYETTE: If you call tree full days a "thing". For me it's a record.
TARA: Well, it's still time to blew up in your face!
LAFAYETTE: Well, f*ck you too.
TARA: No, I didn't mean... Never mind... It's just... Forget what I said. There is a reason why you should trust him.
LAFAYETTE: I told him all this sh1t about me, and he keeps coming back. I don't know if he is a fool or a fuckin... Miracle.
TARA: I think if he can control you mama, I go with miracle.
LAFAYETTE: Hallelujah! Blessed Jehova it's about fuckin time. I'm sorry, i didn't mean...
TARA: No, I'm happy for you baby!
LAFAYETTE: Thank you!
TARA: Come here!
[Hoyt and Summer.]
SUMMER: I'll be right back! Guard my dolls!
JESSICA: Hey... I just wanted to say I'm sorry. I didn't mean just scared your girlfriend like that.
HOYT: It's alright. You can't help your-self.
JESSICA: She seems... short.
HOYT: Yeah, we can't all...
JESSICA: She knows you hate dolls?
HOYT: We don't really talk much about be.
JESSICA: Does she at least make you happy?
HOYT: I hate her. God help me, but I fuckin hate her. Everything is dolls and sham and cleaning stuff and she never stop talking. And I feel like it'll make me crazy, Jess.
JESSICA: What are you doing with her?
HOYT: It's a bit better than mope on thinking about.
TOMMY: Hey, hey You OK? What the f*ck is your problem?
[New scene. Russel is looking at Nan Flanagan on the Fangtasia's roof.]
NAN: Is he inside?
RUSSEL: Talbot. Look. The American Vampire League protect your murder. Probably they'd send him. They will suffer for their sins, my lover. I swear to you they will suffer.
[Inside the Fangtasia.]
NAN: You look like sh1t.
ERIC: I feel fantastic.
NAN: The ruling is that follows: the Authorities deny any knowledge of our interview, your statement or indead this ruling it-self. None of this never happened.
ERIC: What?
NAN: Missing of the Queen, death of Magister, it's a political tare, baby, no one wants to touch, not that the V.R.A is so close to ratification.
ERIC: Russel will not stop killing. What if the human public hear of it.
NAN: That's why you're gonna take care of it. Quietly, discreetly and most important off all completely out of the box. You wanted revenge. It's yours.
ERIC: What resource are you gonna give me?
NAN: None. We're not gonna near it.
ERIC: How are you expecting me to kill him? He is tree times my age.
NAN: Listen, you whinger little bitch. The only link between Sophie-Anne, Russel end the Magister is you. You bring this big pile of sh1t, and you're gonna make it do away. Bring me his fangs. Or I'll take yours.
[New scene. Calvin comes in the Merlotte's.]
JASON: He do it once, he will do it... Stay there baby.
CALVIN: You, little two-faced bitch.
JASON: Watch your manner, old man.
CALVIN: Oh yeah? f*ck you! That's my daughter. You think you can turn to your own people? Who you think you are? I raised no snitch!
SAM: Hey! You are not welcome here! You've got a problem, take it outside!
JASON: Let's go, daddy!
CALVIN: And you? You said you didn't seen her.
SAM: That's true. I haven't seen the kid.
CALVIN: Be a man and stop lying, fuckin pussy! Come on let's get the hell out of here!
[Sam hit violently Calvin.]
SAM: Who's the pussy? Who is the fuckin pussy?
CRYSTAL: Please! Please! It's my daddy!
SAM: Go fucker! Stand up!
HOYT: Okay! Easy!
[At the parking.]
JESUS: He is still breathing but he is disrepair, sh1t. Yeah, I hold him one second. You've got him? Take his legs. Listen, find me at the emergencies in twenty minutes. Come on, get started!
CRYSTAL: WAIT! WAIT! STOP!
JASON: You can't fuckin go with him! That son of bitch used you. You hate him.
CRYSTAL: He is my dad and he id the only one I've got. If you don't understand me, you don't think you know me at all.
JASON: Crystal, I know when you'd been an idiot. You are running right back to the people who'd been controlled your life.
CRYSTAL: You're right Jason. I don't need no one controlled my life. Certainly lot fuckin you. COME ON! GET STARTED!
JASON: Crystal! f*ck! f*ck!
[Franklin comes and presses Tara on the wall.]
FRANKLIN: Don't howl, it's an ugly, ugly sound.
TARA: I've killed you.
FRANKLIN: That's everyone said but you didn't. I thought, why anyone would spill so vicious lie. Why would you killed someone that you loved?
TARA: I do not love you.
FRANKLIN: They've said that too. That I refuse to believe. I have to see for my-self. Do you wanna know what's hurts the most? You didn't mourn. If you had a shread of love, in your heart, for me, you would mourn me. I love you so much.
TARA: You don't love anything. You can't. Because you are a psychopath. You violated me and terrorized me, because that's what vampires do. And you're calling that love.
FRANKLIN: I'll mourn you Tara. I'll mourn you to my very bowels. But you will never see how much I'll ache.
TARA: Come on! If you've got to fuckin kill me. Kill me! What is taking you so long? You want to hear me beg for my life? Is that it? Cause that's the only thing that you can feel. The destruction of live, cause there's no one in you. You're a sick! Mother fucker! I will not give you satisfaction.
FRANKLIN: Why do you wanna die so much? Why do you want me to kill you?
TARA: Because the second I'm gone, I'll be free of you forever. I'll be free and you will have nothing.
FRANKLIN: Shut up! Shut up! Your heart it's beating so fast! I wanna feel it stop.
JASON: Take your hands off her.
FRANKLIN: This is a private conversation. It's not your concern. Run alone.
JASON: Move the f*ck away.
FRANKLIN: And you will shoot me now? You do realize I'm a vampire. You can empty every bullet on me, and I'll heal.
JASON: Not if I've got wooden bullets.
[Jason shoot and Franklin blew up in blood.]
[New scene. Sookie's house. Bill knocks on the door.]
SOOKIE: Please, come on in. Where have you been? I have calling you for hours.
BILL: I don't know how explain it. I thought that I've got left for a few minutes, and suddenly it was past eleven.
SOOKIE: Mean you over slept?
BILL: No, listen.
SOOKIE: Where did you go? Did you've gone see the Queen?
BILL: The Queen? Why would I?
SOOKIE: Do you know the Queen of Louisiana?
BILL: Yes, I was her subject.
SOOKIE: I saw my cousin today, and she says she used to be with the Queen. And now the Queen is working out with Russel to come after me and anyone else like me. Do you know anything about that?
BILL: I think I know what they want to you.
SOOKIE: Why didn't you say anything?
BILL: I only learnt it today. I'm not entirely sure of what it was or even how I've got there. But also it was because I drank so much of your blood. Sookie, I know what you are.
[New scene. Nan Flanagan is on a plane. She is feeding from a girl.]
NAN: I've got the speech here. I have to memory it all by the time we've got in Oregon. No, go ahead, I'll call.
GIRL: Miss Flanagan.
[Russel is on TV. He takes his sternum away from the presenter. Nan looks.]
RUSSEL: Is that help you to decide, American? Do not turn off the camera! You see how quickly I can kill. Ladies and gentleman, my name is Russel Edgington. And I have been a vampire for near than tree thousands years. Now, the American Vampire League wish to perpetrate the idea than we are just like you, and I suppose than in a few small way we are. We are narcissistic. We care only about quite we want, no matter what's the cost. Just like you. Global warming, perpetual war, toxic waste, child laborer, torture, genocide. That's a small price to pay for your SUV and your flat at screen TV, your blood diamond and your designer jeans or your seat absurd and flashy. Futile symbols to succor your trembling and poor soul. But no. At the end, we are nothing like you. We are... immortal. Because we drink the true blood. Blood who is living, organic and human. And that is the truth. The L.V.A is just wish you to can't see. Because that's fixed, eating people is getting complicated these days. So they put on their friendly faces to pass off the V.R.A. But make no mistakes. Mine is the true face of vampires! Why would we seek equal rights? You are not our equals. We will eat you, and after we'll eat your children. Now time for the weather, Tiffany? | Plan: A: Sookie; Q: Who tells Bill about the secret file he's been keeping on her family? A: Nan Flanagan; Q: Who visits Eric at Fangtasia to investigate the disappearance of the Magister? A: The Authority; Q: Who gives Eric the green light to kill Russell? A: Eric the green; Q: Who did the Authority give the green light to kill Russell? A: Tara; Q: Who attends a rape survivors' group? A: therapy; Q: What does Tara seek for her trauma? A: Hadley; Q: Who introduces Sookie to her son, Hunter? A: a telepath; Q: What is Hunter's special talent? A: the mysterious dream world; Q: Where does Bill meet Claudine? A: Hoyt; Q: Who admits to Jessica that he doesn't care for Summer? A: Crystal; Q: Who does Jason tie up and plant V on her fiance? A: death; Q: What does Sam beat Calvin nearly to? A: Rene's child; Q: What does Arlene not want? A: a rape survivors' group; Q: Where does Tara go to find out that Holly is also a survivor? A: Holly; Q: Who reveals that she is a survivor of rape? A: a wooden bullet; Q: How is Franklin shot by Jason? A: the news anchor; Q: Who does Russell kill on TV? A: war; Q: What does Russell promise to wage against humans and the American Vampire League? Summary: Sookie tells Bill that she knows about the secret file he's been keeping on her family. Nan Flanagan visits Eric at Fangtasia to investigate the disappearance of the Magister. The Authority gives Eric the green light to kill Russell. Tara seeks therapy for her trauma. Hadley introduces Sookie to her son, Hunter, who is also a telepath. Bill meets Claudine in the mysterious dream world and finally discovers what Sookie is. Hoyt admits to Jessica that he doesn't care for Summer. Jason and Crystal tie up and plant V on her fiance, who later savages one of Andy's deputies. Sam beats Calvin nearly to death. Arlene admits she doesn't want Rene's child. Tara attends a rape survivors' group where Holly reveals she too is a survivor. Franklin comes back for Tara, but is shot by Jason with a wooden bullet. Russell appears on TV, killing the news anchor, and pledges to wage war against humans and the American Vampire League. |
FURY FROM THE DEEP
by VICTOR PEMBERTON first broadcast - 6th June 1968 (5:15pm - 5:40 pm)
[SCENE_BREAK]
1. BEACH
(MAGGIE HARRIS and ROBSON stand at the waters edge.)
MAGGIE: Very little time. You know what you must do.
ROBSON: Yes.
MAGGIE: You will obey.
(ROBSON looks on as MAGGIE walks towards the sea, staring at MAGGIE's slowly receding figure as she becomes submerged by the waves.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
2. CONTROL ROOM
(PRICE, VAN LUTYENS and the DOCTOR are at the communications dome trying to contact any of the rigs out at sea.)
PRICE: Rig D. Rig D. Control calling. Rig D, come in please. Rig D. Rig D. Control calling, come in please. (To VAN LUTYENS.) I'm sorry sir, I can't reach them.
VAN LUTYENS: Try Rig A again.
PRICE: Rig A. Control calling Rig A... (To VAN LUTYENS.) It's no good sir. That's three rigs not answering now sir.
VAN LUTYENS: The men on the remaining rigs won't last under this suspense much longer. Try the guard post again and see if there's any sign of Mr. Harris... Three rigs now. What could have happened to them?
DOCTOR: Well, can't you send someone else to investigate?
VAN LUTYENS: No... I don't have the authority here. I'm just their technical adviser. Mr. HARRIS is in charge. When he comes back, he might properly authorise the company helicopter for at least to take a look.
DOCTOR: We can do nothing?
VAN LUTYENS: Nothing. Wait. Wait. Nothing.
[SCENE_BREAK]
3. IMPELLER AREA
(The CHIEF Engineer is inspecting the impeller shaft with his repair crew. Their work is interrupted when the familiar thumping heart beat is once again heard coming from the pipes).
CHIEF: It's started again.
[SCENE_BREAK]
4. CABIN
(JAMIE has fallen asleep on the top bunk. VICTORIA paces the room decidedly worried.)
VICTORIA: Jamie... Jamie... Jamie... You asleep?
JAMIE: No. I'm just resting my eyes.
VICTORIA: I don't know how you can with all this trouble going on.
JAMIE: Oh don't worry. The Doctor will work something out. He always does.
VICTORIA: Yes. What then?
JAMIE: Oh what do you mean "what then?"
VICTORIA: What do we do next?
JAMIE: Oh Victoria, you know better than to ask a question like that. We never know where we're going to land one place to the next. It's half the fun isn't it?
VICTORIA: Is it?
JAMIE: Victoria, what's the matter? You've been acting very oddly ever since we got here.
VICTORIA: Oh it's nothing. It doesn't matter.
JAMIE: Look if you're worried, the Doctor...
VICTORIA: Jamie, I said it was nothing. Just go back to sleep.
JAMIE: Oh I wouldn't worry about that old bit of seaweed. The Doctor will work something out.
VICTORIA: Will he? There's so many questions. The weed grows. Feeds off natural gas. How fast does it grow? What happens to those who... who touch it. Oh Jamie. Jamie I'm frightened.
(The door to the cabin opens, and VICTORIA gasps, startled by the DOCTOR's sudden entrance.)
DOCTOR: Oh I'm sorry Victoria. Did I startle you?
VICTORIA: Yes. Doctor...
DOCTOR: Where's Jamie?
VICTORIA: Up there. He's asleep. Nothing can wake him except a bomb dropping.
DOCTOR: Oh good.
VICTORIA: Doctor what's happening?
DOCTOR: Well I'm not sure, Victoria. I'm not sure. It's so peaceful out there, isn't it?
VICTORIA: Heard that noise again?
DOCTOR: Yes.
VICTORIA: Well what are they doing about it?
DOCTOR: Well we'll have to wait.
VICTORIA: Wait? But what for? For one of those awful creatures to come and attack us all?
DOCTOR: Now Victoria, it's not as bad as all that you know.
VICTORIA: Isn't it? Even you don't know really how bad it is, do you?
DOCTOR: Well no. Not exactly.
VICTORIA: Every time we go anywhere, something awful happens. Daleks. Cybermen.
DOCTOR: Yeti.
VICTORIA: Yes, the Yeti. Why can't we go anywhere pleasant? Where there's no fighting - just peace and happiness.
[SCENE_BREAK]
5. BEACH
(HARRIS spots a familiar figure at the edge of the shore. Running towards it, he finds it's ROBSON, and begins calling out to him).
HARRIS: Mr. Robson. Mr. Robson. What are you doing down here? Have you seen my wife at all?
ROBSON: Your wife?
HARRIS: I've been searching for her.
ROBSON: You'll find her Mr. Harris. Very soon.
HARRIS: Then you haven't seen her.
(ROBSON suddenly walks off along the beach - in a trance.)
HARRIS: ROBSON!
(ROBSON continues walking, ignoring HARRIS altogether.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
6. IMPELLER AREA
(The CHIEF, DOCTOR and JAMIE watch as VAN LUTYENS prepares himself to venture down into the impeller shaft.)
DOCTOR: If you don't mind me saying so, Mr. Van Lutyens, I think this is a very bad idea of yours. You don't know what you're up against.
JAMIE: Aye, you wouldn't catch me down there.
CHIEF: Why don't we wait till Mr. Harris comes back sir?
VAN LUTYENS: The only way to find out whether this weed stuff of yours is blocking the base of the impeller is to go down and have a look.
CHIEF: Mr. Van Lutyens, I have no authority to send my men down there...
VAN LUTYENS: I realize that. That's why I'm going down.
CHIEF: By yourself?
VAN LUTYENS: Oh yes.
CHIEF: I wouldn't go down... Well I hope you know what you're doing, sir.
VAN LUTYENS: I think so.
DOCTOR: I... I wish you wouldn't do this Mr. Van Lutyens.
VAN LUTYENS: I can't sit about waiting any longer. I have no position of authority here. But I do have the run of the company installations. And if I can do nothing else, I... I can at least inspect the base of the impeller shaft.
(The group make their way over to the lift platform. OAK and QUILL are standing at the ready by the lift controls. VAN LUTYENS steps into the life chamber.)
DOCTOR: Good Luck.
JAMIE: Good luck. You'll need it.
CHIEF: All right, lower him down.
(OAK operates the controls and the lift descends.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
7. BASE OF IMPELLER SHAFT
(VAN LUTYENS flashes his torch about as the lift chamber jolts to a stop at the bottom. He steps out and begins a thorough search. Finding a nearby inspection hatch, he opens it. But as he is about to take a closer look, weed and foam swarm towards him from the far end of the shaft.)
VAN LUTYENS: Help me! Let me out!
(VAN LUTYENS' screams are cut short as he is engulfed by the weed and foam.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
8. IMPELLER LIFT AREA
(Van Lutyens' screams are heard in the impeller area.)
CHIEF: Get him up!
(OAK operates the lift controls and the lift starts its ascent to the surface.)
VICTORIA: What is it? What's happened?
JAMIE: Van Lutyens is down there.
VICTORIA: What's happened to him?
DOCTOR: Oh we don't know, Victoria...
(The CHIEF engineer moves over to the lift shaft and returns stunned...)
DOCTOR: What happened? What did you see?
CHIEF: He's not in the shaft. He may still be down there. Let's find Mr. Harris.
(He leaves.)
DOCTOR: We can't just leave him down there.
JAMIE: Oh what are we going to do?
DOCTOR: We've got to go after him.
VICTORIA: (Distressed at the thought.) Oh Doctor no.
JAMIE: Oh no we're not.
DOCTOR: Jamie, you wouldn't want me to go down there all on my own now, would you?
JAMIE: Well no.
VICTORIA: Oh Doctor, you can't, you don't know what's down there.
[SCENE_BREAK]
9. COMMUNICATIONS AREA
PRICE: Ms Megan Jones... just... just leaving reception now... Right. Thank you.
(HARRIS walks in, after an unsuccessful search for his wife.)
PRICE: Oh Mr. Harris.
(HARRIS doesn't hear him at first, still preoccupied with his missing wife.)
PRICE: Mr. Harris, we've been looking for you everywhere.
HARRIS: What is it Price?
PRICE: Are you all right sir?
HARRIS: Yes... Just tired. Do you have any news of my wife?
PRICE: No. I'm afraid not sir. You didn't find her?
(HARRIS shakes his head and turns away.)
PRICE: Oh Mr. Harris...
HARRIS: Yes?
PRICE: The director, Megan Jones is leaving reception on her way here now sir.
HARRIS: I see. Thank you Price. Where's Van Lutyens?
PRICE: In the Impeller Area I think sir.
HARRIS: All right.
(HARRIS moves off, heading to the impeller area).
[SCENE_BREAK]
10. IMPELLER LIFT AREA
(The DOCTOR and JAMIE have descended down in the lift. HARRIS walks in and is updated by VICTORIA with what has happened.)
HARRIS: This is terrible. You mean to say that they both went down that shaft?
VICTORIA: I couldn't stop them. They went looking for Mr. Van...
HARRIS: What? What has happened to him?
(CHIEF enters the impeller area.)
CHIEF: Mr. Harris. Thank goodness you're back. Mr. Van Lutyens went down inside the impeller shaft to find... to find what is blocking the pipe line.
HARRIS: Yes?
CHIEF: He didn't come back. Now the Doctor and the boy has gone down there...
HARRIS: They've done what?
(He moves over to where OAK is at the lift controls.)
HARRIS: Get them up at once. Stop the lift.
OAK: I'm sorry sir. it's too late.
[SCENE_BREAK]
11. BASE OF IMPELLER SHAFT
JAMIE: Creepy sort of place isn't it?
DOCTOR: Jamie, that hole goes straight down to the ... down below.
(JAMIE stumbles over something on the floor. He bends down and picks the object up.)
JAMIE: Hey, isn't that Van Lutyens' torch?
DOCTOR: Well it must be.
JAMIE: But where is he?
DOCTOR: Shine that down here...
(JAMIE starts tapping the torch to get it to work.)
DOCTOR: Give that to me.
(An irritated JAMIE hands over the torch.)
JAMIE: Come on Doctor. Let's get out of here. I feel as if something evil is lurking down here.
[SCENE_BREAK]
12. CORRIDOR
(MEGAN JONES and her aide PERKINS are moving towards the communications area.)
PERKINS: It all seems quiet enough Ms Jones.
JONES: Of course it is. Robson's an efficient man. Why do you think I gave him control of the compound? He knows the job backwards.
PERKINS: Then why the sudden panic?
JONES: I don't know. Harris was rather vague.
PERKINS: Vague? Harris said he was taking over from Robson. I wouldn't call that vague.
JONES: You've not met Robson have you Perkins?
PERKINS: No. But...
JONES: When you do, you'll realize that he's not the sort of man one pushes around.
PERKINS: Then what's it all about?
JONES: Just an internal squabble I'd say. Harris is a bright man. I sent him thinking he might gain from Robson's technical experience. Obviously the two haven't taken off together.
PERKINS: So we're pouring oil? Politics?
JONES: Let's go and see shall we?
[SCENE_BREAK]
13. IMPELLER SHAFT AREA
(VICTORIA, HARRIS and the CHIEF are gathered around the lift shaft. OAK and QUILL stand in the background at the lift controls.)
VICTORIA: (Shouting down into the shaft.) JAMIE... DOCTOR.
(When no response is forthcoming. she moves back to the others.)
VICTORIA: Oh I do wish they'd hurry.
HARRIS: Is there any way we can get them up, Chief?
CHIEF: Well we can't use the lift in case they want to get back in a hurry. There's the ladder inside the pipeline...
(PRICE appears in the doorway to the impeller area.)
PRICE: Mr Harris?
HARRIS: Yes. What is it Price?
PRICE: Megan Jones has arrived sir.
HARRIS: Oh I see. Thank you.
(PRICE disappears back to the communications area.)
HARRIS: Chief, you'd better come with me. I'm going to need some support when I talk to Megan Jones.
CHIEF: Now?
VICTORIA: But what about Jamie and the Doctor?
HARRIS: There isn't a great deal we can do at the moment, I'm afraid.
(He moves over to the lift controls and addresses OAK.)
HARRIS: Oak, as soon as they signal, bring them up. If there's any sign of trouble, come and get me.
OAK: You can rely on us.
HARRIS: Come on Chief.
(HARRIS and the CHIEF leave. VICTORIA joins OAK and QUILL at the lift controls.)
VICTORIA: Will they be all right. I mean is it safe?
OAK: Oh yes Miss. Don't you worry about a thing. We'll take care of everything, won't we, Mr Quill?
[SCENE_BREAK]
14. CONTROL CENTRE
(HARRIS has just finished updating MEGAN JONES on the current situation).
JONES: Creatures? Seaweed Creatures? What do you say to that Perkins?
PERKINS: Oh. Well...
HARRIS: It's true.
JONES: You can't be serious Mr Harris.
HARRIS: These creatures have been seen in the refinery itself by...
JONES: By some half witted Doctor and a couple of teenagers.
HARRIS: And by me.
JONES: You've seen them?
HARRIS: Yes, Ms Jones. I have seen them.
JONES: Harris, I understand your wife has some sort of accident. I know it must have been a considerable shock to you and I fully understand...
HARRIS: You think I'm lying. That I've been seeing things. Believe me. There are things you don't know.
JONES: I know throughout the southern regions the sea rig stations are reverting to emergency supplies. What are we going to do about it?
HARRIS: At present there is nothing we can do about it. One by one we're losing contact with the rigs out at sea.
JONES: Then I suggest you send someone out to see what's going on.
HARRIS: All right. Have I your permission to call out air defence.
JONES: Certainly not. This is not a national emergency. Use the company helicopters.
HARRIS: But you don't understand...
JONES: Will you please do as I say?
HARRIS: Price.
PRICE: Yes Sir.
HARRIS: Get me the helicopter hangar please.
PRICE: Very good sir.
JONES: Now, Mr. Harris. I think I would like to talk with Chief Robson.
HARRIS: Oh I'm sorry. I think... Well he's not very well.
JONES: Not well? In what way?
HARRIS: Something's happened to him. I... That's all I can tell you.
JONES: Like what? What happened?
HARRIS: I... I don't know. I just don't know.
[SCENE_BREAK]
15. BASE OF IMPELLER SHAFT
JAMIE: Can you see anything?
DOCTOR: No, it's too dark Jamie. Not a sign of Van Lutyens.
JAMIE: Well no point hanging about here.
DOCTOR: Wait a minute.
(Foam and weed emerge further down the corridor.)
DOCTOR: Come on Jamie. Let's get out of here.
(The DOCTOR and JAMIE run back towards the lift shaft. The DOCTOR presses the lift recall button but nothing happens.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
16. IMPELLER SHAFT AREA
(Up above in the lift area, the lift control area is deserted. OAK, QUILL and VICTORIA are gone.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
17. BASE OF IMPELLER SHAFT
JAMIE & DOCTOR: Get us out of here. Take the lift up!!!!
[SCENE_BREAK]
18. IMPELLER SHAFT AREA
(A door with "Pipeline Room" on it opens and QUILL and OAK come out. Ignoring the lift controls, and in particular the flashing lift recall light, they exit the area.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
19. BASE OF IMPELLER SHAFT
(The DOCTOR and JAMIE drag themselves up the impeller shaft ladder.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
20. IMPELLER SHAFT AREA
(JAMIE emerges from the impeller shaft ladder and helps the DOCTOR out.)
JAMIE: Give me your hand. You all right?
DOCTOR: Yes. I think so.
JAMIE: What a climb.
DOCTOR: It's the weed. It must fill the entire shaft. It's moving too quick.
JAMIE: Let's get out of this place...
(He notices that the entire area is deserted.)
JAMIE: Where's Victoria?
DOCTOR: I don't know. No wonder they didn't see the lift shaft signal. There's no one here.
JAMIE: Victoria wouldn't desert us.
DOCTOR: No. Unless she had been persuaded to, Jamie. I think we'd better go and look for her. Come on. You go that way. I'll go this way.
JAMIE: All right.
(The DOCTOR and JAMIE head off in opposite directions.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
21. COMMUNICATIONS CONE
JONES: Foam and weed on all of the rigs?
HARRIS: According to the helicopter pilot - and no sign of life at all.
JONES: It's so fantastic. What on earth are we going to do?
HARRIS: Save the lives of all the men on all the other rigs.
JONES: How?
HARRIS: Give me permission to evacuate them.
PERKINS: What?
HARRIS: Then we blow every one of the rigs to pieces, right out of the sea.
PERKINS: You must be out of your mind. Miss Jones, you can't really agree to such a thing.
HARRIS: Just a minute. We have to. The men's life is more important than any of those rigs.
PERKINS: The minister would never agree.
JONES: That will do Perkins. You ask me to throw years of hard work, skill and government money like that?
(She snaps her fingers as demonstration.)
HARRIS: I'm asking you to destroy this evil that's in the sea. Before it's too late. Bomb the rigs. I implore you.
(ROBSON at that moment runs in.)
ROBSON: No... no. Never. You leave those rigs alone. They're mine. They're mine I tell you. Mine.
JONES: Robson. What's the matter with you?
ROBSON: Don't you see? They're getting at me. The rigs. They're mine. I built them from my own flesh and blood. They're mine. They're mine. They want to destroy everything. They think in that way they can destroy me. We won't allow.
JONES: We? Who Robson? Who?
ROBSON: What? My... I... Don't know... Chief.
(ROBSON stumbles and the CHIEF grabs him before he falls.)
JONES: Are you all right Robson?
ROBSON: Yes. I'm all right. I don't know... I don't know...
JONES: Robson...
(ROBSON staggers out of the communications cone area.)
HARRIS: Let him go. The strain must have affected his mind.
(The DOCTOR enters the communications area having overheard HARRIS's comment.)
DOCTOR: Oh it's not that I can assure you.
HARRIS: Doctor.
JONES: And who are you?
DOCTOR: Well...
HARRIS: Doctor, I've almost forgotten. What about Van Lutyens? did you...
DOCTOR: I... I'm afraid not.
HARRIS: Have you any idea what happened?
DOCTOR: Yes. Jamie and I nearly joined him. The whole of the bottom of the impeller shaft is covered in weed and foam.
JONES: What happened to Mr. Van Lutyens? And Mr. Robson?
DOCTOR: I'm afraid that Mr. Robson is being controlled by some force that emanates from this weed.
JONES: That's incredible.
HARRIS: That's what we said so far about everything the Doctor's told us. Each time he's been proved right. I think it's about time we started to believe him.
JONES: All right. The least we can do is listen.
[SCENE_BREAK]
22. CORRIDOR
(JAMIE is wandering down a corridor calling for VICTORIA.)
JAMIE: VICTORIA... VICTORIA... It's me. Jamie. Where are you?... VICTORIA.
[SCENE_BREAK]
23. COMMUNICATIONS CONE
JONES: You think this seaweed, or what ever it is, is a living organism capable of exercising telepathic control?
DOCTOR: Yes.
JONES: But seaweed's vegetable matter. Everyone knows that.
DOCTOR: This is a struggle for power, Ms Jones. Matter over mind. I'm convinced all these people - Mrs Harris, Chief Robson, Mr. Van Lutyens, have all been overcome in this struggle, and goodness knows how many more people.
HARRIS: Where does it get the intelligence from Doctor?
DOCTOR: The human brain. It's parasitic.
HARRIS: You mean... The creature has taken over human beings.
DOCTOR: I don't know, but they've certainly become part of the colony.
PRICE: Mr. Harris. Control rig...
(BAXTER appears on the monitor.)
HARRIS: Control. Yes, Baxter, what is it?
BAXTER: Mr. Harris, for pity's sake they're all around us.
HARRIS: All right. What's happening.
BAXTER: These things. They're everywhere... The whole... every living place.
HARRIS: Baxter. Baxter. Can you hear...?
BAXTER: Get us out of here. Somebody get us out of here...
(The screen goes blank.)
PRICE: Feed HQ calling Control rig. Come in please. Come in please.
[SCENE_BREAK]
24. IMPELLER AREA
(JAMIE makes his way down a corridor.)
JAMIE: VICTORIA... VICTORIA... VICTORIA.
(JAMIE returns to the impeller area.)
JAMIE: Back to square one. She must be somewhere.
(He notices the pipeline room door ajar. He swings the door open and sees the prone form of VICTORIA.)
JAMIE: Victoria! If anything happened to you, I'd never forgive myself.
VICTORIA: Oh Jamie. I didn't know you cared.
JAMIE: Victoria Waterfield. You tricked me. That's not fair.
VICTORIA: I'm not. I was unconscious.
JAMIE: Yeah. What happened?
VICTORIA: Those two engineers... they must have...
JAMIE: What engineers?
VICTORIA: You know the... and the little one...
JAMIE: You mean the two that were... with the...
VICTORIA: Yes. That's right. I don't remember. I must have passed out.
JAMIE: You know the Doctor and me, we were nearly... Oh never mind about that.
VICTORIA: Oh Jamie, why are we always getting into trouble like this? It's been every where we go.
JAMIE: How do you mean?
VICTORIA: I don't know. I'm just fed up. I'm tired of one crisis on top of another. I just want some piece and quiet.
JAMIE: Oh Victoria. Are you not happy with the Doctor and myself?
VICTORIA: Oh yes. Yes I am. But I just...
JAMIE: What's the matter...
(VICTORIA doesn't respond, and is listening to a background thumping sound.)
JAMIE: What's the matter?
VICTORIA: Listen Jamie.
JAMIE: What is it?
VICTORIA: Can't you hear it?
JAMIE: Yes but where's it coming from?
(He looks around and notices the transparent section of the pipe filled with seaweed and foam.)
JAMIE: Victoria look!
[SCENE_BREAK]
25. COMMUNICATIONS CONE
DOCTOR: With the Control rig gone, we can draw only once conclusion. The weed is trying to take over all the rigs and form one vast colony.
JONES: With what objective?
DOCTOR: The saturation of the British Isles, and perhaps in time the entire planet.
PERKINS: Is such a thing possible?
DOCTOR: Oh yes. Unless we can find the nerve centre and destroy it.
JONES: But how can we possibly do that? It could be anywhere out there in the North Sea.
DOCTOR: Yes. That is the difficulty.
(JAMIE and VICTORIA run in.)
JAMIE: Doctor.
DOCTOR: What is it?
JAMIE: The pipeline. Quick. Come on.
VICTORIA: Hurry.
(They all follow JAMIE and VICTORIA back to the impeller pipeline room.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
26. IMPELLER PIPELINE ROOM
DOCTOR: What's happening?
JAMIE: It's here.
(He points up at the transparent pipe.)
JONES: What in heaven's name is that?
DOCTOR: The advance guard.
JONES: I don't understand... what's happening?
DOCTOR: The first part of the invasion...
(The DOCTOR steps a little closer to the pipeline.)
VICTORIA: Doctor, don't go near.
DOCTOR: It's begun... The battle of the giants.
(Weed and foam throb in the transparent pipe. VICTORIA screams as the weed and foam try to push their way out...) | Plan: A: Van Lutyens'; Q: Whose investigation of the base of the impeller puts the Doctor and Jamie in danger? A: the Weed Creature; Q: What creature is in danger of the Doctor and Jamie? Summary: Van Lutyens' investigation of the base of the impeller places the Doctor and Jamie in danger from the Weed Creature. |
Foster: Hello? What the hell?
Beckworth Mansion, Eagle Creek, California
Fisher: I appreciate your people coming in on this, agent Lisbon. Haven't handled many homicides- none, in fact frankly, I'm looking to learn from you.
Lisbon: Not a problem, deputy Fisher.
Fisher: Small town. We don't get much trouble.
Jane: Well, that's a shame. Trouble's your business.
Fisher: You could say. Victim's Alan Foster- 43 years old, married, no children. Architect. He bought the house a few months back, said he was gonna rehab it.
Cho: Was the wife with him last night?
Fisher: No, she was in the city. They have a house in San Francisco. I sent a man to break the news.
Lisbon: Was anybody else in the house with him?
Fisher: Nobody as far as we can tell. I don't know what to say. The house was locked up tighter than a drum when I got here. Took me half an hour just to shut off the alarm.
Lisbon: Cho, check the alarm system. Either the victim let somebody in, or they broke in someplace.
Fisher: It's a shame. Foster seemed like a nice guy.
Jane: Whoa, that's a lie. You didn't like him one bit.
Fisher: W-i-I didn't say that.
Jane: Yes, you did. You thought he was rich, arrogant, pretentious, an interloper. He wore those trendy architect's glasses. Did you kill him?
Fisher: Did i... No. No. What kind of question is that?
Jane: He's got something in his hand.
Lisbon: Jane! Gloves.
Jane: Right.
Lisbon: A brass button with the letter "b"?
Jane: That mean something to you, deputy?
Fisher: No. What's this guy's problem?
Lisbon: That would take way too long to answer. Let's take a look inside.
Fisher: Okay. It's this way.
Fisher: Clear signs of struggle rules out suicide.
Lisbon: That, and suicides usually open the window before they jump.
Jane: What's troubling you, Fisher?
Fisher: What? Nothing. What are you talking about?
Jane: That button made your pupils dilate. Now you've gone pale. What's up, Fisher? What's troubling you?
Fisher: Well, it occurred to me that the button could stand for "Beckworth, " And I got a little chill, that's all.
Lisbon: Who's Beckworth?
Fisher: Walter Beckworth. He was the original owner of this house-built it. Died 80-something years ago. People say he haunts the place. I've heard the stories since I was a kid, but nobody believes them.
Jane: Right.
Cho: Guy from the security company ran the alarm history. It's been up 6 hours since last night until the deputies turned it off this morning. No alarms or interruptions of service. As far as I can tell, no one's entered or left this building except the victim.
Fisher: But that's impossible. Isn't it?
Jane: Spooky.
Outside, Van Pelt and Rigsby
Van Pelt: I'm not saying volunteering is better work than this, but it makes me feel better at the end of the day. I see people smiling because of what I've done. There's something, I don't know, joyous in it. (to Cho) How often do we see people smile in this job?
Cho: Leaving or crazy, never. The coroner took Foster's body. I'm gonna get his wife and bring her to the office. Lisbon and Jane are up on the porch.
Van Pelt: Okay, thanks.
Rigsby: She's volunteering at a homeless kitchen.
Cho: That's cool.
Rigsby: There's a man there. I think she's, you know banging home with this guy No! A volunteer. A chef. And she's not- I don't know. Not yet... maybe... I think... I don't... no.
Cho: Dude, you need counseling.
Lisbon: Somehow the killer got into the house without tripping the alarm or turning it off.
Van Pelt: So the killer didn't come through the front door.
Lisbon: Probably found some kind of hole in the system. Check the grounds and inside the house. Find out how they got in.
Rigsby: On it.
Jane: Grace, you're the spiritual sort. Do you believe in ghosts?
Van Pelt: I believe the spirit survives death, and a troubled spirit can make itself known.
Rigsby: Oh, come on. You don't seriously think there's a ghost here.
Jane: Meh. I don't know. If you see one, let me know.
CBI HQ, Sacramento. California
Cho: How long had your husband been staying at Beckworth mansion, Mrs. Foster?
Lilian: Off and on for about three weeks, since we closed on it.
Cho: Why? It's pretty run-down.
Lilian: To get a feel for the house before he worked on it. He said you should spend a month in a house before you thought about changing it. He's conscientious that way... Or was conscientious that way.
Lisbon: We can take a break if you'd like.
Lilian: No, no, no. Let's- let's just get through it.
Lisbon: So you were at home the night of your husband's murder?
Lilian: Yes.
Lisbon: We have to ask-is there anyone who can verify that?
Lilian: Um, no, I was alone. Alan had been at the mansion all week.
Lisbon: Was it common for you and your husband to be apart that long?
Lilian: It was not uncommon when he started a project. He got immersed.
Cho: Who might have wanted to hurt your husband?
Lilian: Oh, I can tell you who was angry with him- Victoria Abner.
Cho: Who's she?
Lisbon: She's this hippie-dippy woman who lives in town, and she weaves linens and rugs. She used to own Beckworth. She's a descendant of the man who built it.
Cho: She resented your husband for buying the place?
Lilian: But not at first. There were tax issues that came with the property, so we thought she'd be but... about a week after we closed, she just blew up, claimed that Alan stole the house. It was vicious.
Lisbon: Did she ever threaten your husband?
Lilian: She sent some pretty scary e-mails.
Lisbon: Excuse me. We need to see those e-mails.
Lisbon: What?
Jane: Walter Beckworth was killed in 1928- fight over a woman. You know how?
Lisbon: No, and I don't care.
Jane: He was thrown out of the exact same window that Alan Foster was thrown out of. Coincidence?
Lisbon: Yes.
Jane: Yeah. Well, it's all here. Is that, uh, Foster's widow? I need to talk to her.
Lilian: As a matter of fact, Alan did mention some strange things.
Jane: What kind of things?
Lilian: Um, in the last week or so he heard some noises at night, like groans. He said sometimes it looked like things were being moved. I know it's a little creepy, but Alan wasn't too bothered. He was used to old houses. What does this have to do with how he died?
Cho: Victoria Abner has no arrests, but three years ago a neighbor took out a restraining order against her-some argument about the neighbor's dog. Victoria got a little in-your-face about it.
Lisbon: Go and see how mad she really was about Foster buying the mansion.
Cho: Okay.
Jane: And be sure to ask about the ghost, too.
Lisbon: Do not ask about ghosts. Don't you think I know what you're doing? No ghosts.
Jane: The ghost has something to do with Foster's death.
Lisbon: No, it doesn't, because ghosts don't exist.
Jane: Don't exist in your mind, but if you believe they exist, then they exist.
The Beckworth mansion
[SCENE_BREAK]
Rigsby: Anything?
Van Pelt: No pry marks on any of the frames so far, no footprints under the windows. I don't see any sign of forced entry.
Rigsby: Maybe it was a ghost.
Van Pelt: Ghosts don't throw 200-pound men out windows.
Rigsby: What do ghosts do?
Van Pelt: I have no idea. Let's check the other side.
Rigsby: So you gonna keep volunteering at the, uh, kitchen?
Van Pelt: Oh, yeah.
Rigsby: Making a lot of new friends, I expect.
Van Pelt: I am. Yeah, that's the great thing about doing volunteer work. You meet so many new people that have the same kind of values and interests as you.
Rigsby: Right.
Van Pelt: Hey, look at that.
Rigsby: What?
Van Pelt: The lock on the door- looks new Someone cut it open. Well, if they haven't started work on the house yet... All the power tools are missing.
Rigsby: What's there?
Van Pelt: You think ghosts smoke filtered?
Rigsby: (phone)Boss, someone broke into a storage area, stole a whole bunch of equipment and supplies. Maybe they broke into the house, too.
Store
Raimey: Can I help you?
Jane: I see you specialize in local history.
Raimey: Mr... Raimey. Philip Raimey. Yes, and you are?
Jane: Looking for information on Walter Beckworth.
Raimey: Are you with the police? Here about the Foster incident?
Jane: Yes, but don't tell anyone. Patrick Jane.
Raimey: Well, Mr. Jane, if it's Beckworth you're interested in, you've come to the right place.
Jane: Thank you. Great store.
Victoria: Agent Cho, of course I was angry with Foster. If someone stole your home, wouldn't you be angry as well?
Cho: He bought the house, Mrs. Abner.
Victoria: You don't understand.
Cho: A house you haven't lived in since you were a child.
Victoria: That's not the point.
Drew: Sorry. I didn't know you were with somebody.
Victoria: Oh, this is my nephew Drew. Agent Cho is asking questions about Alan Foster. He wants to know why I was so upset with the man who stole Beckworth.
Drew: It is a complicated issue.
Victoria: No, it's not that complicated.
Drew: There are many factors to be considered- Economic and emotional.
Victoria: My nephew is a lawyer. He's very sensible. That's good, because I'm not. There are no factors to consider. Foster was a thief and a liar.
Cho: You couldn't afford the taxes on the house. You were grateful when he first purchased it. What changed your mind?
Victoria: You have a very good aura.
Cho: Thank you.
Victoria: Excellent color-deep red... Grounded, realistic. And Foster's aura was pink, dirty pink. That's dishonesty, fecklessness. When he came to me he said he wanted to preserve Beckworth. He lied to me. He wanted to gut it- my childhood home, and I couldn't let him do that.
Drew: Look, agent, the Beckworth mansion is understandably a very emotional subject for my family, but whatever she may have felt or said, my aunt is incapable of hurting anybody.
Cho: Where were you last night?
Victoria: In my home, in my bed, not killing Alan Foster.
Cho: What about you?
Drew: I was here. I've been staying with my aunt on and off ever since she was forced to sell the place.
Victoria: He's been helping me out with my legal things. I'd be lost without him.
Drew: Tax liens and escrow- nothing too complicated.
Cho: Excuse me. (Phone) Cho.
Jane: Cho, did you ask about the ghost?
Cho: No, you heard Lisbon.
Jane: I am talking to the local historian. Apparently, Beckworth was deeply involved in spiritualism. Liked to explore the world beyond, held sences and all that kind of malarkey. So ghosts are relevant, my friend. This is very important. Cho? Don't leave me hanging.
Cho: Ma'am, do you know anything about ghost at the mansion?
Victoria: Of course. That's the spirit of my grandfather Walter Beckworth. He used to visit me when I was a child.
Cho: She says there's a ghost.
Jane: Thank you. No surprise there. Mmm. Clover honey?
Raimey: Yes, as a matter of fact it is.
Cho: Jane?
Jane: Mm. Sorry. Uh, Mr. Raimey says there's also a hidden treasure there.
Raimey: Rumored treasure, purely rumored.
Jane: Rumored treasure some fortune Beckworth hid in the house. Does Abner know anything about that?
Cho: Beckworth's treasure?
Victoria: Oh, yes. Everybody in the family knew that there was a great, mythic treasure. We gave up looking for it years ago. It was a fraud. If it wasn't, do you think I'd be living here?
Cho: She says no treasure.
Jane: Hmm. Got it. Thank you.
Cho: Okay.
Jane: No treasure. Clover honey.
Jane: Well... thank you.
Raimey: If there is anything else I can do...
Jane: Well, there is one more thing. How did Beckworth make his money?
Raimey: Oh, he was a bootlegger- very successful one. It's in, uh, that one, the second from the bottom.
Jane: Okay. Thank you. Uh, did you ever cross paths with Foster?
Raimey: Once or twice. He seemed pleasant enough. Never paid very much attention.
Jane: You deceitful old bag of bones.
Raimey: Excuse me?
Jane: You heard me.
The Beckworth mansion
Rigsby: Nothing on the exterior of the house.
Van Pelt: Let's check inside. That's weird.
Rigsby: What?
Van Pelt: Thought this was shut. Did you hear that?
Rigsby: Yeah. Someone's upstairs.
Van Pelt: I thought everybody left.
Rigsby: Hello? It came from in there.
Van Pelt: Old wiring, I guess.
Rigsby: What was that?
Van Pelt: CBI. Come out.
Rigsby: Police. Whoever you are, come out of the room with your hands above your head. Jane? Where'd he go?
Van Pelt: How'd he do that?
Jane: It's easy. I'll show you. Ah, you see? It's all switches. There's a system of pipes that carry sound throughout the house.
Rigsby: Hello?
Jane: Yeah. It's all fake- Because, my credulous Van Pelt spirits are smoke and mirrors and that's all that they are.
Rigsby: And the ghost? How did you do that?
Jane: Ah, the piece de résistance. If you could stand in the corner, my friend Rigsby, and, Grace, if you could take your place out by the doors. Pepper's ghost. It's an old conjurer's trick- a simple optical illusion. All you need is a sheet of glass that slides out of the wall...
Rigsby: It's a reflection?
Jane: And lighting. And off.
Rigsby: Beckworth had all this built just so he could hold séances?
Jane: So he could amaze and terrify his guests with his mastery of the occult, and it's been used recently. Someone has cleaned the dust off.
Van Pelt: So somebody was trying to scare Foster.
Jane: Mm-hmm.
Van Pelt: Why?
Rigsby: And how did they get in the house? The alarm would have been on the whole time.
Jane: Come with me. Beckworth was a bootlegger during prohibition, which meant he had to smuggle liquor into the house and hide it someplace the authorities couldn't find it. This house is riddled with secret passages.
Van Pelt: Including ones that lead outside?
Jane: Head down. Take a look. I'll check the outside walls. No doubt one of us will find the secret passage.
Van Pelt: After you.
Rigsby: Oh, thank you.
Lisbon: Jeb Haas?
Jeb: Who wants to know?
Lisbon: Agent Lisbon, C. B.I.
Jeb: Pretty little thing like you?
Lisbon: I have some questions for you regarding Alan Foster's murder.
Jeb: I got nothing to tell you.
Lisbon: Looks like there were some construction supplies stolen around the time of the murder. Deputy Fisher says you're the local thief most likely to steal that kind of stuff.
Jeb: Fisher sent you? That son of a bitch. I don't know what he told you, but, um, I don't know anything about a break-in or any murder.
Lisbon: Then you won't mind coming down to the station with me.
Jeb: What if I don't want to go?
Lisbon: Sir, this doesn't have to be difficult.
The Beckworth mansion
Van Pelt: You okay?
Rigsby: Yeah, yeah. You? Hey, look at that. Wine cellar.
Van Pelt: Wonder if any of it's still good.
Rigsby: I doubt it.
Van Pelt: What was that?
Rigsby: Eh, probably rats.
Van Pelt: Oh, god, no. I hate rats.
Rigsby: It's just a ghost then.
Van Pelt: You don't believe in ghosts.
Rigsby: Yeah, but you do. Wait upstairs, if you like. I'll take this one.
Van Pelt: Oh, thanks. That's okay.
CBI
Cho: Same night that Foster was killed, you broke into his pool house and stole a few thousand dollars worth of tools and equipment. We know because we found some of the stolen equipment in your vehicle and we found this cigarette butt in the pool house. It'll definitely have your D. N.A. on it.
Jeb: Everybody knows that place is all wired up with some fancy alarm system. I didn't kill anybody. I never saw Foster, and I never went into his house.
Cho: Nice if you could prove that.
Jeb: I can't, but I do have some particular information on that evening- Information that you want.
Cho: Okay.
Jeb: Unh-unh. Not until I get a deal on the theft and the breaking and entering charges- A good one, too.
Cho: You want a deal? Okay. And just to be clear, is this a deal for the theft and the breaking alone, or the tax evasion as well?
Jeb: What?
Cho: According to your I. R.S. records, you haven't filed a tax return since 2002. Unless you haven't earned a dime in income in seven years, You're facing some pretty serious tax evasion charges. Do you have any idea how much prison time that carries?
Jeb: Prison time?
Cho: Serious time, massive fines. I'm gonna let you think about it.
Jeb: When I was loading stuff out of the pool house, I saw a car in the woods- A black BMW. There was somebody sitting in the driver's seat- Foster's wife.
Cho: Lillian Foster?
Jeb: I've seen her in town. She sat there the whole time. She never even noticed me. She just stared at the house.
Cho: Was she still there when you left?
Jeb: Yes. So you'll do I mean, about the tax thing?
Cho: Don't worry. I was lying about that.
[SCENE_BREAK]
The Beckworth mansion
Van Pelt: What's wrong with it?
Rigsby: I don't know. Maybe the batteries.
Van Pelt: Don't hit it.
Rigsby: Fine. You fix it then.
Van Pelt: Let's just use mine.
Rigsby: What? What? What?
Van Pelt: Oh! Oh, I felt something crawling up my leg.
Rigsby: Oh! Is it still there?
Van Pelt: No.
Rigsby: It was probably just a ghost. Grace?
Van Pelt: Yes?
Rigsby: I... Never mind. Never mind.
Van Pelt: Maybe we should keep going.
Rigsby: Grace, I love you. I've loved you from the first moment I met you. Screw the rules. Screw the CBI. I need you.
Van Pelt: I, uh... That's, um...
Rigsby: Unless you stop me, I'm gonna kiss you now.
Jane: Eureka! Found it!
Lisbon: (phone) Good work. Yeah, we'll meet you back at the office after we pick up Lillian Foster. We're outside her house now. Jane says he found another entrance to the mansion.
Cho: I knew there had to be another way in.
Lillian: How dare you come here, you crazy bitch! My husband just died!
Lisbon: Is that Victoria Abner and her nephew?
Cho: What are they doing here?
Victoria: It seemed like a good idea to me.
Lillian: Have you no shame?
Drew: Mrs. Foster, if you could just please calm down.
Lillian: You know what you are? You're a vulture. You're a crazy, obsessed old vulture!
Victoria: That mansion is mine. It belongs to my family.
Lillian: I will burn it down before you step foot in that place!
Victoria: Lady, you need psychiatric help.
Lillian: Oh, yeah? Hey!
Cho: Hey! Break it up!
Victoria: Aah! Get her off of me now!
Lisbon: What the hell is the matter with you?! Come on. Come on.
Victoria: You have no class! You're the one that came to my house!
Lillian: You come to my house- Oh, yeah, I'm the crazy bitch?
CBI
Lisbon: How you feeling, Mrs. Foster?
Lillian: Embarrassed.
Lisbon: How'd you get into the ruckus with Ms. Abner?
Lillian: She came by to ask if she could rent the mansion back from me, seeing as how I won't want to be living there.
Jane: Did she say why?
Lillian: I, uh, didn't wait to hear the details. She had been plaguing us all this time, and now this? I'm afraid I just... lost it.
Lisbon: There is something else we wanted to talk to you about. You weren't in San Francisco the night of your husband's murder. You were at the mansion.
Lillian: You know about that?
Lisbon: Why'd you lie to us?
Lillian: I was ashamed.
Lisbon: Of what?
Lillian: Of why I was there in the first place.
Lisbon: Why was that?
Jane: She was spying on her husband. She suspected him of being unfaithful.
Lillian: Yes. How did you know that?
Jane: Because he's been unfaithful before?
Lillian: Yes. He had an affair about a year ago. He was out of town. I was caught up with my work, and it happened.
Lisbon: That's very understanding of you.
Lillian: Oh, I was furious, believe me. But we worked on it- counseling and so forth, and I thought I had moved on. But I hadn't. I didn't trust him. So when Alan told me he would be spending this weekend at the mansion and wouldn't be coming home, I decided I had to go there to catch him in the act.
Jane: But no one showed up.
Lillian: No. I felt so awful that I left without talking to him.
Lisbon: What time did you leave?
Lillian: Around 10:00.
Lisbon: Is there any way to prove that?
Lillian: Um, I bought gas on the way home. The credit card company will have a record of that, right?
Lisbon: Yes, we'll verify that.
Lillian: I can't help thinking that if I'd stayed there, If I'd just gone and talked to Alan, he would still be alive.
Jane: Mm, most likely you'd both be dead.
Lillian: With the way that I feel, I might prefer that.
Jane: That feeling will pass.
Lillian: What do you know about that?
Jane: Enough.
Cho: How you doing, Drew?
Drew: Fine. Thank you. Thanks.
Cho: Your aunt's gonna be in with us a little longer. This fight's gonna take some sorting out, okay?
Drew: I tried to stop it from escalating. That's why I was there in the first place, but the hostility just kind of caught me off guard.
Cho: It'll be up to your aunt whether or not to press charges, but you're a lawyer. You know the deal.
Drew: I'm not exactly a lawyer. My aunt likes to exaggerate. I'm a paralegal.
Rigsby: Cho, uh, I'm sorry. You got a second?
Cho: Sure. We're still gonna need a statement from you. Excuse me for a second. What's up?
Rigsby: I told Grace I love her.
Cho: Wow. Okay. Well done. Then what happened?
Rigsby: Oh, nothing. Jane interrupted, and she hasn't said a word since.
Cho: So tell her again.
Rigsby: Right, okay. Tell her again. Okay, right.
Victoria: Your aura is fascinating, Mr. Jane- So many hues.
Jane: Thank you. The mansion's uninhabitable. Why would you want it back?
Victoria: Sentimental reasons.
Jane: Mm, no. No, that's not right. You're closed, furtive. You're hiding something. There's something in that house, isn't there? Something you don't want anyone else to find... Evidence of your guilt, perhaps.
Victoria: That's absurd.
Jane: No. You're right. That is absurd. It's something else entirely. Ah-the treasure.
Lisbon: What treasure?
Jane: Walter Beckworth's treasure he hid in the mansion.
Victoria: I wanted my house back because I didn't like what Foster planned for it. He was going to destroy it.
Lisbon: Foster had only been there a few weeks. How could you have known what he was gonna do before he did?
Victoria: In conversation, he told me.
Lisbon: Ma'am, we find out you're lying, you become suspect number one.
Victoria: All right. How are you with riddles?
Store
Raimey: I found the clue a few weeks ago when I bought some of Beckworth's papers at an estate sale. It was in a letter to one of his cousins just before his death. Beckworth boasts that he's hidden his "great treasure" where no one can find it, and then he offers this clue-"if fortune is what you seek sincere, the only place to look is here."
Jane: That's it? That's the riddle?
Raimey: Yes.
Jane: Interesting.
Raimey: Of course, I told Mrs. Abner right away, but the house had already been sold to Foster.
Lisbon: Why didn't you mention this before?
Raimey: Well, it... it didn't seem relevant.
Lisbon: It's motive. It's very relevant.
Jane: Mr. Raimey and ms. Abner had agreed to keep quiet to avoid having to share the loot with anyone else, correct?
Raimey: Yes, but that doesn't mean either of us killed Foster.
Jane: Oh, absolutely right. Whoever killed Foster was simply trying to scare him from the mansion. It could have been anyone that wanted the treasure, even you, deputy Fisher.
Fisher: That's right. I killed him.
Jane: Did you? You denied it earlier.
Fisher: Stop doing that.
Jane: I need to see this clue. Where's the letter? Thank you.
Raimey: What?
Jane: Smells good. "If fortune is what you seek sincere, The only place to look is... hear." "Hear"- It's spelled h-e-a-r.
Raimey: Well, I assumed it was a mistake.
Jane: Hmm. There are no mistakes.
The Beckworth Mansion
Jane: Let's go. As you know, Walter Beckworth left a coded message describing the location of his treasure. I brought you all here to help me find it. The word "here" is misspelled in the riddle. I don't believe that's a mistake. I think that the clue itself. Lies in that word- "hear"-h-e-a-r. What comes to mind when I say the word "hear"?
Raimey: Noise.
Drew: Sounds.
Cho: Ears. Very good. What else?
Victoria: Music. Musical instruments.
Jane: Definite possibility. Cho? Unveil it. Hmm. Aha.
Lisbon: What is it?
Jeb: Yeah, what is it?
Jane: Beckworth's fortune
Raimey: There's nothing in it.
Drew: It's empty?
Jane: Wait.
Victoria: What is that?
Jane: It's another riddle.
Raimey: What does it say?
Jane: "To find fortune and riches, one doesn't need help. All one must do is look to oneself."
Drew: What does it mean?
Jane: I don't know, but it's spelled correctly.
Lisbon: It means we're wasting our time.
Jeb: It doesn't even make any sense.
Jane: Let's not rush to judgment.
Lisbon: Beckworth probably put it there as a practical joke.
Cho: Pretty lame joke.
Victoria: But the fortune could still be here.
Jane: I just need time to find it.
Lisbon: We're not gonna waste any more time. I'm shutting this down. Everybody out. Cho, secure the place and set the alarm. Have Rigsby and Van Pelt set up on the mansion tonight. We'll take the shift after them. Nobody gets in this place, especially Jane. Understood?
Cho: Got it. Everybody out.
Jane: Lisbon. Lisbon. I-you-Lisbon, this
Lisbon: bite me. We're done for the night.
Jane: "Bite me"?
Lisbon: It's too much?
Jane: Uh, a smidge. Worked. It's fine, just a little over-the-top.
Rigsby: So, uh, Grace...
Van Pelt: Yes?
Rigsby: I was wondering if we could do...
Van Pelt: how do you want to handle this?
Rigsby: Handle what?
Van Pelt: The stakeout.
Rigsby: Oh. Um, right.
Van Pelt: Listen, about the other thing, maybe it's not the right time.
Rigsby: Yeah. Yeah. Um, we could, uh, walk... Patrol the grounds.
Van Pelt: Or maybe one of us could stay here while the other one patrols- alternate?
Rigsby: Yep, that's better. I'll, uh, I'll go first.
Van Pelt: Oh, that's okay. I can do it.
Rigsby: I'm easy.
Van Pelt: Well, if you want to go first, that's fine also.
Rigsby: No, no, no.
Drew: "Look to oneself." No!
Jane: Nothing there, Drew. Never was.
Drew: You planted the second clue?
Jane: Aha. Yes.
Drew: I didn't kill Foster.
Jane: Don't be ridiculous. Of course you did. Only the killer knew how to get in here via the secret passageway.
Lisbon: You proved your guilt just by walking in the room. Was it all just for the money?
Drew: Just for the money? I spent years listening to my family go on about the Beckworths and everything that they had. I didn't get any of it, not one thing. And then my aunt told me about the clue and the treasure, and I thought I could get that for myself. I could have what I've deserved all my life. All I had to do was get Foster out of the house.
Lisbon: So you haunted him.
Drew: My cousin told me about the, uh, equipment Beckworth had built in. I just wanted to scare him. But Foster wouldn't take the hint. So I had to do something. I didn't mean to kill him. Oh, I didn't know what to do. And then, uh, I remembered the stories about Beckworth, how he was killed, how his ghost still haunts this place. So I threw him out the window the same way Beckworth was killed. It wasn't Foster's house. It belonged to my family.
Lisbon: Put your hands behind your back. Now.
Drew: When you first opened the box under the piano, was there anything in it?
Jane: This. You killed Foster for an old key.
Drew: I wonder what it opens.
Jane: Oh, I know what it opens.
Drew: What?
Lisbon: He's just messing with you. He's mean like that. Come on.
Lilian: Mr. Jane. I was just being briefed by one of your agents.
Jane: Well, I hope they conducted themselves in a professional manner.
Lilian: Thank you for everything.
Jane: Well, my pleasure.
Lilian: Do you mind a question?
Jane: Uh, no.
Lilian: I asked about you. What happened to your family- I'm very sorry. And I thought maybe it means you understand how it feels to lose somebody.
Jane: Was that your question?
Lilian: Do you think they know how we feel? The dead, I mean... How sorry we are... How we wish things could be different? Do you think they understand?
Jane: No. Sorry.
Cho: Case closed pizza?
Lisbon: Case closed pizza.
Cho: Rigsby eats all the sausage again, I'll be pissed.
Lisbon: Are you okay?
Jane: Right as rain. Oh, I have the perfect thing to go with this.
Van Pelt: Wine?
Rigsby: Just a little something special. Excuse me. I need a glass. Sorry.
Van Pelt: Sure. I'm gonna leave in a few minutes. Wait five, then meet me at my car. Okay.
Rigsby: Okay.
Cho: Just a little. Please.
Van Pelt: Oh, thanks. Mr. Rigsby.
Rigsby: Cheers.
Lisbon: Case closed.
All: Case closed.
Lisbon: Mmm. It's nice.
Jane: Glad you like it.
Cho: So what was the key to, Jane? The one you found in the box.
Jane: The key? Beckworth's fortune.
Lisbon: Give it up.
Jane: Well, just because the fortune wasn't gold or cash doesn't mean it doesn't exist.
Van Pelt: So what was it?
Jane: Beckworth was a collector. He collected hundreds of one thing... Some of the finest, rarest examples in the world worth tens of millions of dollars.
Lisbon: So what was it? What?
Jane: Smells good. Cheers. | Plan: A: The CBI team; Q: Who is called to investigate the death of the wealthy new owner of the old Beckworth Mansion? A: his murdered body; Q: What was found at the old Beckworth Mansion? A: his wife; Q: Who did the victim buy the mansion with? A: the sentimental former owner; Q: Who developed a grudge against the new owner of the Beckworth Mansion? A: Walter Beckworth's ghost; Q: Who do the local deputy sheriff and other witnesses believe haunts the Beckworth Mansion? A: the investigation; Q: What is accompanied by a discussion about the existence of ghosts? A: Jane; Q: Who discovers that the ghost was an illusion created by a system Beckworth built into the house? A: the ghost; Q: What was an illusion created by a system Beckworth built into the house to entertain his guests? A: an illusion; Q: What did Jane discover that the ghost was actually? A: secret passages; Q: What does Jane discover that the killer could have used to get into the house? A: a treasure; Q: What is supposedly hidden in the Beckworth Mansion? A: a riddle; Q: What did the CBI team find instead of the treasure? A: The killer; Q: Who wrote the riddle? A: the former owner's jealous nephew; Q: Who is the killer? A: Rigsby; Q: Who does Van Pelt become closer to during this episode? A: their feelings; Q: What do Van Pelt and Rigsby finally express to one another? Summary: The CBI team is called to investigate the death of the wealthy new owner of the old Beckworth Mansion, which is the site where his murdered body was found. The victim and his wife bought the Mansion with the hope of fixing it up, and the sentimental former owner developed a grudge. The local deputy sheriff, and other witnesses, believe that Walter Beckworth's ghost haunts the mansion and killed the new owner, so the investigation is accompanied by a discussion about the existence of ghosts. Jane discovers that the ghost was actually an illusion created by a system Beckworth built into the house to entertain his guests and also points out that the house is full of secret passages that the killer could have used. The CBI team and others, headed by Jane, then try to find a treasure supposedly hidden in the house, and come upon a riddle instead. The killer (the former owner's jealous nephew) is tricked into sneaking undetected into the mansion again in an attempt to locate the treasure, whereupon he is apprehended by the CBI upon arrival. Jane then reveals that he wrote the riddle himself. Van Pelt and Rigsby become closer during this episode, and finally express their feelings for one another. |
Title: "I Married an Alien" 54th Episode of Roswell
Production Code: 3ADA11
[SCENE_BREAK]
Doorbell Rings. Isabel opens the door to Max and Michael
Isabel : Honey the painters are here.
Michael: Yeah thats funny. Come on move out of the way, this crap is heavy.
Jesse: Hey Guys
Max: Hey
Jesse: You sure you don't want me to stay and help out.
Michael: Uh, actually there's a uh couple of cans outside.
Isabel: But they can manage.
Max: Right, our treat. Seriously its a, its a housewarming gift from us to you
Michael: Yeah and a wedding gift, its combined.
Isabel: (laughs) Don't be silly. The wedding gift will be seperate.
Michael: Of course it will.
Isabel: Hmm.
Jesse: Well its, its just very generous of you to take your Saturday out to paint our apartment.
Max: Ah it won't take us that long we're pretty fast.
Isabel: Come on, Honey. You're going to be late, my dad hates late.
Jesse: Ok, allright, uh see you guys later and thanks.
Isabel: Bye (kisses jesse) Have fun.
Michael: No problem. Isabel closes the door.
Michael: You know you could've probably done this yourself.
Isabel: Right, Jesse was going to let his wife paint the entire apartment all by herself.
Max: You know what colour you want?
Isabel: Tusant Ochre or ? brick red.
Michael: Here we go.
Isabel: I need to see it in this space. So, uh Max you take ochre to that wall. And Michael you take red to that one, k then I'll decide. Maybe. Michael and Max go to there seperate walls and place their hands on the wall. It then changes to the colour they are holding.
Michael: I'm exahausted. Im takin a break.
Max: Like the ochre.
Isabel: Hmm. Michael turns on the tv. A rerun of Bewitched is playing.
Samantha: Now I don't know whats going to happen...
Michael: Oh Nichalodeon's having a marathon of Bewitched. My weekends set.
Isabel: Who are you and what have you done to Michael?
Max: The whole Maria thing. Ever since they broke up he's been getting into the tube. Its getting pathetic.
Michael: Oh, this is the one where Samantha turns Darren into a goose. Thats good.
Max: You need a hobby man.
Michael: What like golf? Ridin around in some stupid cart? Jesse starts opening the door.
Isabel: op Jessie oh Gosh. She runs for the door. And slams and locks it as he is opening it.
Jesse: Hey Isabel, its me.
Isabel: Sorry honey, theres a ladder in front of the door. Hold on one Second. Max and Michael quickly change the room back to its original color.
Max: Oh no, thats wrong, it was a Navaho white. Thats more eggshell.
Michael: And im the one who needs a hobby.
Jesse: Everything ok in there?
Isabel: Yeah its fine, its fine, yeah sorry, (opens door)sorry. Forget something? Jesse goes into the hall closet for his golf balls.
Jesse: Yeah, my balls. Michael bursts out laughing.
Jesse: Were you guys just talking about me?
Isabel: Thats a little paranoid dont you think? I mean the whole world doesnt evolve around you.
Max: It revolves around Michael.
Michael: Uh thats a fact.
Jesse: OK, Bye.
Isabel: Bye (kisses Jesse and closes the door)
Michael: That was fun.
Isabel: (looking at the tv) She had it so easy.
Michael: What are you talking about? Take a look beyond the surface and you'll see the truth. Samantha takes pride in her witchcraft and she's made to suffer for it in an uncaring secular world. Shes a modern day Athena.
Isabel: hmm (chuckling)
Max: Swell my head's gonna explode.
Isabel: Well At least Darren knew she was a witch, shes not having to run around hiding her powers from her own husband. Well think about how much easier my life would be if Jesse could just know who I really am.
Michael: Yeah that'd be a classic show. You could call it I married an Alien.
Isabel: Huh, Yeah (watching the show again, thinking) Isabel and Jesse in a sitcom on the tv.
Jesse: Isabel how many times do I have to tell you not to leave your alien orbs in the car.
Isabel: Sorry dear. They hug.
Isabel: Yeah that would be some show.
Fades to black and brings up a classic I Married and Alien screen. With a little cartoon.
Isabel: (clapping in the background) Well this is certainly no way to start a morning. Uses her powers to clean up the kitchen.
Isable: hmm I think we'll have french toast, and sausage (uses her powers to get the bread and ingredients) Jesse walks in (with clapping in the background)
Jesse: Isabel how many times do I have to tell you no alien powers in the house. (sniffs) Is that french toast?
Isabel: (lifts lid to frying pan) Um hmm.
Jesse: Well maybe just this once. (laughter in the background) Back to reality
Jesse: Good Morning.
Isabel: Good Morning honey.
Jesse: Ahh
Isabel: K, Here's this (handing Jesse a cup of coffee) This time, I think I have really... burnt it again. I think there's something wrong with the stove.
(Squirts syrup on the french toast she burnt)
Jesse: mm Well the orange juice is perfect.
Isabel. Hmm good, fresh squeezed. Jesse tries the french toast.
Jesse: mm (spits it out)
Isabel: Ok, oh its 8:58.
Jesse: Oh Gosh, I gotta go.
Isabel: Yeah
Jesse: I got an appointment with Judge Lincoln(?)..at 9:15... If it was anyone else.
Isabel: I know (kisses Jesse) Great to study (?)
Jesse: I'll see you later.
Isabel: Ok. Back to sitcom. Kyle walks into the apartment. Clapping in the background.
Kyle: Hello.
Isabel: Hello Kyle.
Kyle: Know what this is?
Isabel: A carberator.
Kyle: No... its a carbera... How'd you know that?
Isabel: Im a modern woman.
Kyle: Right. Anyway it may look like a carborator, but in reality its a gold mine. They sit down to the kitchen table.
Isabel: hmm its a little small for a gold mine don't you think?
Kyle: Yes but what if this were a special carberator. One that made it possible for a car to get 300 miles to the gallon.
Isabel: Kyle.
Kyle: 200
Isabel: You know Jesse doesnt like it when I use my powers in your get rich quick schemes.
Kyle: Scheme, scheme, what scheme? This isnt a scheme this is a gift to mankind.
Isabel: Oh. So I suppose if its a gift you wont be charging money for it.
Kyle: Well its not a free gift. (laughing in the background) Back to reality.
Isabel: Why do you always come to me with these things.
Kyle: I'm sorry, but I couldnt figure it out and Tobey's been on my ass all week. All it has to do is work, it doesnt even have to work well. Just so it works.
Isabel: All right (touches the carberator)
Kyle: Thank you...(claps Isabel on the shoulder)
Isabel: mm Back to the sitcom. Knock on the door and in walks Maria.
Maria: Hey ho. Everyone doing fine. Lots of fun and laughs around the old Remerez house mmm...(Isabel smiles) good. Now, where is that good for nothing boyfriend of mine.
Isabel: (looking sheepish) Got me.
Kyle: I was just leaving (gets up to leave) Maria grabs Kyles ear.
Maria: Not so fast, Valenti.
Kyle: (squirming) Okay, okay, okay. Hes on Neptune.
Maria: Neptune. He was just there last week.
Kyle: Hes buying you a present for your birthday.
Maria: (claps her hands) Oh A present for me. What is it? What can someone buy on Neptune? How much is he going to spend tell me everything. Back to reality.
Maria: So he wants to take me out for my birthday next week and I don't know.
Kyle: Whats the harm?
Isabel: Well the harm is that a birthday dinner by definition is sentimental.
Maria: And sentimental leads to a goodnight kiss.
Isabel: Goodnight kiss leads to s*x.
Kyle: (looking bewildered) I should write that down.
Maria: Anyway the reason i'm here is, my birthday is next week and I was kindof thinking that I need some change.
Isabel: You want me to lengthen your hair again?
Maria: Y'Maybe, you know, or maybe not, maybe I just want some color or some like highlights this time. Doorbell rings.
Isabel: Maria, I am not your personal hair genie. Isabel gets up to get the door.
Isabel: Yes
Eric: Hi. A-are you Isabel?
Isabel: Yes.
Eric: Um. I'm Eric. Eric Hughes. Jesse's friend from cornell.
Isabel: From Cornell...of course come in. Come in I'm sorry.
Eric: Thank you
Isabel: Come in. So what are you doing here?
Eric: Uh well, I just had a gig in Texas, and I thought that New Mexico was next door so... Eric sees Maria and Kyle.
Eric: Hi (waves) Maria and Kyle wave back.
Isabel: Thats so great. Jesse's going to be so excited to see you. He was so disappointed to hear that you couldnt make it to the wedding.
Eric: I know I'm sorry about that.
Isabel: Don't worry about it.
Eric: No no I had the best intentions, uh I was on the road, and I was going to drive straight through from Atlanta , but then I got kinda sidetracked I got this gig in St. Paul and another in Chicago...
Isabel: Oh, are you a musician?
Eric: (laughs) No no I'm a reporter. Back to Sitcom.
Isabel: A Reporter...
Maria: mmm we should be...
Kyle: Leaving what a good idea. They get up to leave.
Kyle: Bye Isabel.
Eric: Must say I was surprised to hear old Jesse was getting hitched. You must be somethin out of the ordinary.
Isabel: Me? No. (laughs nervously) So, How long will you be staying in Roswell?
Eric: Um, until I find me a story. My editor's been driving me crazy. Says I have to come up with a slam bang piece of investigative journalism something that really knocks the lid of the place. Or else I gotta find me another line of work. Back to reality
Isabel: You have to stay, Jesse is so excited to see you, hes always talking about you and the guys from the fraturnity.
Eric: Its all good I hope.
Isabel: Well, he glosses over the good stuff. Makes it sound like you spent all your free time discussing and studying ? philosophy.
Eric: (laughs) He must be a lawyer. They sit down on the couch.
Eric: Um I appreciate you letting me stay on the couch, I'll try not to get in the way. Who knows maybe while im here I can get myself a story. This is Roswell after all, So know where I can find any aliens? They both laugh. Isabel nervously looks away. Later that evening...
Eric: Yeah I got an e-mail from Keith the other day. He says hes going to join the peace corps.
Jesse: Come on hes been saying that for years. He doesnt even like dirt hows he going to dig wells for people
Eric: In coming... They drink a beer as Isabel brings in bedding.
Isabel: Well you can take the boys out of college...
Jesse: Sorry
Eric: Oh my gosh, I dont believe you guys still have this cd.
Jesse: Oh
Eric: Prepare to enter the time shift. Jesse laughs.
Isabel: I think that s my cue to go to bed.
Jesse: Oh come on its early. Come on.
Isabel: Early nineties maybe. I dont think so. Goodnight. Isabel kisses Jesse Goodnight.
Jesse: Goodnight. Eric puts on a cd. In the bedroom Isabel worrys over what this new revelation could mean. The guys get confortable on the couch drinking beer.
Eric: Just like the good old days man, where s the bomb?
Jesse: Shhh she doesnt know I used to get high?
Eric: What? What your keeping secrets from your wife?
Jesse: I dont know were just still getting to know each other.
Eric: Hey dude your supposed to do that before you get married.
Jesse: mm In a perfect world...
Eric: Well how many secrets are you keeping from her?
Jesse: Hmm. Not as many as she has.
Eric: What?
Jesse: Nothing.
Eric: Come on dude. Look who your talking to. Je- must I remind you of the notorious the infamous Kate Hopkins episode? They laugh.
Eric: And her monsterous lacross playing 6 foot 3 boyfriend...
Jesse: Yeah you saved my ass. I remember.
Eric: Yeah I did, come on.
Jesse: I dont, I dont know man just, its just weird, I feel theres a part of Isabel's life she doesnt want to share with me.
Eric: Like what?
Jesse: Like I dont know, just every once in a while something weird happens. Like the other day im fixing the ice maker. K, you know me Im getting pissed of and banging the thing, im cursing, like thats going to help. Then she comes in she says take a break, so im headed to the bahroom and I glance back and her hands on the ice maker.
Eric: So
Jesse: So when I come back its fixed. It works perfectly.
Eric: hmm well you know, in my perfessional opinion, im going to have to say, that that is not a story.
Jesse: Ok fine but what about her brother Max? He breaks my nose the night before our wedding.
Eric: He broke your nose?
Jesse: Yup, its a long story I'll tell you later. But he breaks my nose and he heals it with a steak the next day.
Eric: What do you mean a steak, Like
Jesse: Like a steak, I mean he completely heals a very broken nose i-in about 30 seconds. Its just weird, sjust really weird.
Eric: Huh. Well maybe...maybe shes an alien. Jesse man you married one of the Roswell aliens. They both break out laughing.
Eric: Its like, its like I dreamed of Jeannie for a new millinium man. They continue to laugh.
Jesse: Shut up shut up. Eric. Barump bum bum bum bum bum... Back to the sitcom. Jesse walks into the bedroom as Isabel sits on the bed reading.
Jesse: We're in trouble.
Isabel: Why?
Jesse: He wants to stay the night.
Isabel: I wouldnt worry about it dear.
Jesse: Oh sure theres a reporter sleeping on our couch thats looking for the story of the century and I shouldnt worry about it. Sitting on Isabels bed...pipe in hand.
Isabel: Sweetheart dont worry. I promise I wont use my powers while hes around. (she hugs Jesse) Everythings going to be fine. Back to reality. Jesse gets undressed.
Isabel: Kinda late.
Jesse: Well sorry, I didnt mean to wake you up.
Isabel: Its ok, did you two have fun?
Jesse: (laughs) Oh yeah.
Isabel: What?
Jesse: Nothing. Its just Eric went off on this whole thing about writing a story. (laughs again) Ah a story about you being one' of the Roswell aliens. Isabels not smiling... Next morning... Max walks in on Michael still watching Bewitched reruns.
Max: Ok this is offically not funny anymore.
Michael: Id ask what your problem is Maxwell but I really dont care. Max turns off the tv with his powers.
Max: Michael you have got to get a life.
Michael: Thanks for the heartfelt advice. You can leave now. Turns the tv back on...
Max: Im serious. You are going to rot whats left of your brain with this. He turns the tv back off.
Michael: Im showing an interest in the classics. Turns it back on.
Max: You're wallowing in self pity. Turns it off again.
Michael: You know what this is my apartment. If I want to sit and wallow which im not then thats my business. Goes to turn the tv back on and blows it up.
Michael: Great thanks.
Max: Oh yeah thats my fault. Im outta here, I'll see you later. He Leaves. Back to Isabel's apartment and a mess. She goes back to the sitcom. Waves her hand and the vaccum starts cleaning. She precedes to clean up with her powers. Back to reality and the fact that things are done by hand as she throws a beer bottle in the trash. Jesse comes in.
Jesse: The place is a wreck I know, um, we'll clean it up when we get back I swear k? Knocks on Bathroom door.
Jesse: Come on lets go, we're going to be late.
Eric: Yayaya. You know I have an idea.
Jesse: First time for everything. They laugh.
Eric: I want to write a story about you and Isabel. Its a story about how two people who marry in a hurry and then have to do all the getting to know you stuff later.
Isabel: Sounds boring to me.
Eric: Oh, but im going to pitch it so it sounds great. Hot shot lawyer marries small town girl after a whirlwind romance. My editor loves that kind of crap.
Jesse: Wha' are you saying the story of our marriage is crap.
Eric: Yeah its good solid heartwinning crap. Come on you guys I need your help. I need to sell something.
Isabel: I dont that I really feel like being in a magazine right now. Door knocks.
Isabel : Hey Max walks in.
Max: Hey
Jesse: Hey max. This is Eric my friend, uh Eric, this is max my brother in law.
Max: Hi.
Eric: Oh your the guy with the ah (points to his nose) the special healing powers. Back to the sitcom. Max waves his hand and Eric turns into a dog. Isabel sighs.
Max: Somebody want tell me what s going on?
Jesse: MAX! You just cant go around turning people into dogs.
Max: I wont stand here and be lectured by the descendant of an ape.
Isabel: Max, change him back please.
Max: He seems to know our little secret. Now how could that have happened?
Jesse: He doesn't know anything, uh, uh, unless of course he's seen you flying around the neighborhood In the saucer again?
Max: You go for one joy ride and they never let you forget it.
Isabel: Max, I, I-I don't want him to piddle on the carpet.
Max: In a minute. Speaking of the saucer, Michael burned out the cloaking device so I had to park it in your basement for now.
Jesse: In the basement?
Max: Am I speaking too fast for your human brain to follow?
Jesse: How did you get it in there?
Isabel: He used the time space slipstream dear.
Max: Duh.
Jesse: Great! There's a reporter in the house with a flying saucer in the basement.
Max: Want me to take him to the pound? Jesse Picks up the Dog.
Isabel: Just change him back please!
Max: Oh, Very well. (He changes him back and Jesse ends up holding Eric in his arms) Which he drops quickly. Back to Reality.
Max: Nice to meet you.
Jesse: All right, I'll see you later (Kisses Isabel)
Isabel: Bye. Have fun. Bye. Eric and Jesse leave. Isabel turns to Max.
Isabel: Yeah. Jesse told him about the whole broken nose incident and they've been yakkin' it up Ever since about how I'm from a family of aliens. Max smiles.
Isabel: You think that's funny.
Max: Wha, yeah, I mean in an ironic sort of way. They're just kidding around if you make a big deal Out of it, it'll look suspicious.
Isabel: Yeah maybe. What are you doing here?
Max: Inviting my sister to have a delicious piping hot breakfast before her first class. My treat.
Isabel: Huh, Where? Max smiles. At the Golf Club. Eric, Jesse and Mr. Evans are playing a game of Golf.
Eric: So uh, when did you meet Isabel?
Jesse: July 5th.
Eric: July 5th that's your birthday?
Jesse: Yeah, how's that for a present?
Eric: Man, they're gonna eat this thing up. He pulls out a flask.
Jesse: Eh, eh! Did you bring enough for everyone, uh?
Eric: Yes, where are my manners? So let me ask you this, was she still jailbait when you met her? Mr. Evans looks up.
Jesse: She was 18. Moron.
Eric: Sorry. Suddenly as Jesse lifts the flask to take a swig. A golf ball comes shooting out of nowhere and hits the flask, then the golf cart, then into the hole. Michael walks up to the baffled men.
Michael: Yeah! Sorry uh, oh, four! Four! Everybody! Four! (He picks up his ball) Mr.Evans, Jesse.
Jesse: Hey uh, Michael did you meet my friend Eric?
Michael: (shakes his hand) Oh hey.
Eric: Hi.
Mr. Evans: I didn't know you played golf?
Michael: Just starting. Looking to get out of the house. Did you see that shot off the golf cart, in the hole? You don't see that everyday.
Mr. Evans: Michael I'm gonna go out on a limb here and take a guess you're not a member of the Glen Hills Country Club?
Michael: Not officially.
Mr. Evans: Then you'd better stick with us.
Michael: Cool. We playing for money or what? Outside the Crashdown.
Isabel: You don't need me as a chaperone. Liz's father has given you the green light for you guys To be together.
Max: I just don't want her dad to think I'm some loser, who doesn't have anything better to do all morning than to Sit in a booth and wait for Liz to get off work.
Isabel: Huh. Must I make the obvious comment?
Max: Please don't. They walk in. Back to the sitcom.
Liz: Max.
Max: Liz.
Liz: Max.
Max: Liz.
Isabel: Can we get a table for two?
Liz: Oh, certainly Isabel. You must be here to have breakfast with Max. 'Cause he's certainly not here just to see me. Are you Max? (she winks at him)
Max: Certainly not.
Liz: This way. They follow her to a table. She looks at Max and sighs, then walks away.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Back to the golf game.
Eric: So how long have you known Max and Isabel?
Michael: Long, long time. We kind of gravitated toward each other in Elementary. (He puts his ball down on the tee. You know none of us had parents. I was in the foster system. (he swings) Uh, slice.
Mr.Evans: Uh, you picked your head up at the last minute.
Jesse: Yeah that's in the trees. You want to take a Mulligan?
Michael: NA, I don't do drugs. All right, you guys play ahead I gotta go find my ball. They look after him confused. Back at the Crashdown.
Isabel: So I've been doing some more thinking about this whole Bewitched idea.
Max: You have.
Isabel: Yes. And the more and more I think about it the more convinced I am that it would be in Everyone's best interest to bring my Darren in on the secret.
Max: (eating) mmhmm.
Isabel: Yeah. I mean, as it is now, Jesse's a wild card. For example, if he knew the secret, he would Know what to say and what not to say to his buddy the reporter looking for a hot story.
Max: You have a point.
Isabel: Yeah.
Max: Let me think about it
Liz: Everything ok?
Max: Yeah, just uh, talking about how things would be much easier if we lived in a sitcom.
Liz: Like Frasier?
Max: More like My Favorite Martian.
Isabel: I'm talking more like Bewitched.
Mr. Parker: Liz? Back to the sitcom.
Mr. Parker: Didn't I tell you to stay away from my daughter! (Holds up a butcher's cleaver)
Max: I-I'm just having breakfast with my sister. (Points at Isabel) See, here she is my sister. Say hi sister.
Isabel: Hi, sister.
Mr.Parker: If I catch you with you're hands on my daughter, why I'll. (He goes to hit him with the Cleaver and Max turns it into flowers)
Max: Gee. Thanks Mr.Parker. (Smells the flowers) They're lovely. Back to the golf game. They drive up in the golf cart.
Eric: So that kid's an emancipated minor.
Jesse: Yup. Our firm handled the case. Watch this on the green in two.
Eric: Eh, uh, you wouldn't mind if I uh. (Emulates smoking a joint)
Jesse: What got stoned on the fairway. Yes. This is my father in law's private club. Just go in the bushes like everyone else. He goes into the bushes and sees Michael parting the trees with his powers to make a clean shot. Back at the Remerez apartment.
Jesse: No one, (he laughs) and I mean no one is going to print that.
Eric: All right, maybe not the New York Times dude but definitely the Post.
Jesse: Oh, come on Eric give me a break. What the
Eric: Hey, Look, Look. I know what it sounds like but I saw what I saw.
Jesse: Yeah, ok (he laughs hysterically as Isabel walks in the door)
Isabel: What's up?
Jesse: Oh, honey you're gonna love this. Go ahead tell her.
Eric: All right. You know your friend Michael? He waved his hand and it wa I don't know it was like He had super powers or something
Jesse: Yeah he had super powers (he holds the beer bottles he was throwing away up to his eyes like They were ray guns and laughs hysterically again)
Eric: All right! All kidding aside I'm telling you there is something definitely strange about that Kid. I don't know if it's because he's a psychic or a space alien or what. (Jesse puts the beer bottles On his head and laughs) But one thing is for sure. Michael Guerin is definitely not of this world. Isabel is not smiling anymore. Later on the phone with Michael.
Isabel: You idiot!
Michael: How was I supposed to know he was watching?
Isabel: Here's a thought. Maybe you shouldn't be using your powers to improve your golf game.
Michael: I didn't think there was anyone around ok?
Isabel: Well that right there is a problem. You didn't think. Back to the Sitcom.
Sitcom Isabel: Well, now you've really done it. Eric wants to interview you for his article. What are You going to do?
Sitcom Michael: What if I fused his vocal chords together? Then he couldn't tell anyone anything.
Sitcom Isabel: He's a writer. He'll just write it down.
Sitcom Michael: I could fuse his fingers together too.
Sitcom Isabel: That's not going to work.
Isabel: We need a real plan. They merge the two together.
Michael: I'll talk to him ok?
Sitcom Michael: I'll think of something.
Sitcom Isabel: Why doesn't that fill me with confidence?
Isabel: I can't believe this is happening.
Michael: Will you relax, I'm on it.
Sitcom Isabel: On what?
Sitcom Michael: What?
Isabel: (looks up) Are you talking to me?
Michael: Who else would I be talking to?
Sitcom Isabel: So you're on it?
Sitcom Michael: On what?
Michael: Are you ok?
Sitcom Isabel: What?
Isabel: What?
Sitcom Michael: What?
Michael and Sitcom Isabel: What?
Isabel: Uh, I-I-I'm getting confused. Can we, can we just all take a minute ok? Ok, Michael What are you going to tell Eric?
Michael: I'll think of something.
Isabel: I don't know what worries me more when you don't think or when you do.
Michael: That's funny. You should be on a sitcom.
Sitcom Michael: Hey I was gonna say that.
Sitcom Isabel: Don't talk to them.
Isabel: Let's just all hang up. Ok. Michael I'll see you in an hour. At the crashdown.
Eric: I know what I saw Michael.
Michael: Yeah you saw me wave a magic wand and bend a tree. Jesse Laughs.
Eric: No wand it was just your hand. (holds up his hand)
Michael: Let me ask you something what was really in the flask?
Eric: Scotch.
Michael: What were you doing in the bushes?
Eric: I was looking for a place to you know, relieve myself.
Michael: Come on. You weren't (Michael makes like he's smoking a joint)
Eric: That was just a little, just a little.
Jesse: Yeah right.
Eric: Ok, dude it wasn't like the fat ones you used to roll in the old days. All right. Back to the sitcom. Jesse kicks him under the table.
Eric: Ow!
Isabel: In the old days? Care to elaborate Mr. Remerez?
Jesse: Na-Not really honey. Uh, you know it was college uh, Ra ra sis boom ba?
Michael: Nice typewriter. (he goes to turn it around) Back to reality.
Michael: What is it a, G4? (he pulls the desktop's cover back to take a look)
Eric: Uh no. Its just a, it's just an old dinosaur. He goes to type something in and the whole computer goes down.
Eric: Aw, don't tell me this. (he hits the keyboard)
Isabel: Sweetheart can I see you outside for a minute?
Jesse: Yeah. Sure. Eric still trying to figure out why his computer died.
Michael: Technology. Outside.
Jesse: Hey look, I stopped smoking a long time ago.
Isabel: I don't care about that. All right. I want you to get Eric to drop the story all of it. No more Research, no more questions, no more digging into my past.
Jesse: Whoa, wha the what's going on? I mean it's just some stupid thing Eric's making up to Get a byline.
Isabel: No, I-it's more than that all right. First he's asking me questions, then it's my friends next It's gonna be my parents. I want it to stop. Now!
Jesse: Why?
Isabel: Because. Ok, because the past is something that I'm trying to leave behind. Ok. It brings Up a lot of issues for me. Max and I were just dumped in the desert when we were little kids by our Real parents I mean what kind of people do that? What kind of family am I from? You know I don't Want to know the answer and I-I don't even want to ask the question. I j
Jesse: Ok. I'll take care of it, ok? He hugs her.
Isabel: Thank you. Back at Jesse's office.
Jesse: So do me a favor drop the story on Isabel and me all right?
Eric: Yeah. Fine whatever man.
Jesse: Eh! I'm serious.
Eric: I'm serious too, I hear you. I'll drop the story I promise. Let me ask you something am I Insane or did Michael touch this computer right before it crashed.
Jesse: Hey you know something you're right. You're insane.
Eric: Well this thing is totally screwed. Mind if I use your computer just to check my e-mail.
Jesse: Go ahead. I'm in court until 4. Look you up for dinner later?
Eric: Ha ha, do I have any other options?
Jesse: Later.
Eric: Good luck. Jesse leaves and Eric goes into the firm's files until he finds Michael's emancipation papers. In the park with the social worker that took care of Michael's case.
Social Worker: You know, all adoptions and foster records are supposed to be confidential.
Eric: I understand that look, I won't use your name in the article and I won't quote you directly. I'm just, I'm trying to do some background research on Michael Guerin and I was wondering if you Could help. You know uh, was there anything unusual about Michael, anything out of the ordinary?
Social Worker: No. Well there was this one incident in 1989. It was right after the county placed him In his foster home. He'd been there less than two days when we get this phone call about this Unusual event.
Eric: An event?
Social Worker: They said Michael made the kitchen table levitate off the floor. Bout three feet Off the floor.
Eric: That that's a little odd for a six-year-old.
Social Worker: mmhmm.
Eric: Um, would that be in the county records?
Social Worker: You think we were gonna put something like that in a government file? Uh, and you Know to be honest with you, you know Michael's foster father, he wasn't exactly reliable. You know.
(Makes like she's drinking)
Eric: Yeah. Anything else?
Social Worker: No. I mean, other than the way he came to us. You know a little kid was found just wandering out in the desert like that.
Eric: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I thought that Max and Isabel were the ones that were found
Wandering in the desert.
Social Worker: They were. Bout a week before.
Eric: Now that. That's a story. Back at the Remerez apartment.
Eric: I got my story. NA, I really got it.
Jesse: What is it?
Eric: It's about three little kids found wandering in the desert. It's about three little kids with special Powers. It's about Max, Michael and Isabel.
Jesse: Man you told me you were dropping this.
Eric: Yeah. No. I did and dude I swear to Gosh I was going to, (Isabel walks in and listens from behind The wall) but then I get a call from one of my sources who tells me this social worker who's got a story and does she ever. She tells me that Michael Guerin was levitating tables at the age of six.
Jesse: (He laughs) you don't believe that?
Eric: Uh, doesn't matter, I don't have to believe it, I don't even have to prove it. All I need are credible sources and between the social worker and you. I got plenty.
Jesse: Me!
Eric: Yeah, yeah the broken nose incident with the meat, the uh, mysterious icemaker incident.
Jesse: Uh that wasn't for you to write.
Eric: Dude relax, I'm not gonna use your name. Come on Jesse. This could be huge for me don't You get it. Look it, look it, I've got mysteriously sealed records, I've got anonymous sources this thing Has government conspiracy written all over it. I mean th-the story is gonna go national.
Jesse: J-jus w-wait. Ok. Slow down. What is the story?
Eric: Max, Michael and Isabel. They're the Roswell aliens. Back in the sitcom.
Eric: Oh my gosh! I-I
Jesse: Settle down.
Isabel: What's wrong?
Eric: There is a spaceship in the basement. They both look sheepish. In the spaceship in the basement.
Isabel: This is bad, this is really bad.
Max: (Hits Michael in the head) None of this would have happened if you hadn't gotten careless With your powers.
Michael: Hey it's not my fault. Except for the part that is.
Isabel: Well what are we going to do?
Max: I guess we're going to have to find another planet to hide out on.
Isabel: Well I like this planet.
Michael: Me too. Where else are you going to find another planet that has Whoppers and Big Macs.
Isabel and Max: Shut up. Back to reality.
Michael: I think you both are overreacting. No serious magazine is going to print that story. Three Alien kids in the desert, it's ridiculous. The best thing he's gonna do is get some quick cash from Some tabloid.
Isabel: Yeah and they're going to plaster our faces all over the cover of the Enquirer.
Max: It'll draw attention. Even if people don't believe it at first, it'll make people think.
Michael: Fine so it's really bad and it's all my fault! Is everybody happy now.
Isabel: This isn't helping Michael.
Michael: What are we gonna do?
Max: I have no idea. Later that night at the Remerez apt. Isabel gets into bed
Jesse: I'm awake.
Isabel: Oh. It's late.
Jesse: Yeah, where have you been?
Isabel: I just went for a walk.
Jesse: Can I ask you something?
Isabel: Sure.
Jesse: Is there anything, unusual about you, anything I should know about?
Isabel: Like what?
Jesse: I don't know exactly, but just, some strange things have happened and things that I tried to Ignore but I can't. So, I guess I'm asking or Do you have some kind of psychic ability?
Isabel: Psychic. They both laugh.
Jesse: I know that is sounds certain things just make me wonder
Isabel: Like what?
Jesse: (sighs) Like our s*x life. Uh not that I'm complaining. Well it's s*x with you it's almost Hallusinagenic, like I'm on acid or something. N-Not that I've ever done that. What, I-I'm just I don't know I mean it's just weird. I love it, I love it, it-it's definitely weird. Back to the sitcom.
Jesse: So uh are you ready for a little uh (raises his eyebrows) Isabel smiles and uses her powers to get rid of a lamp and pull the bed close. Jesse laughs. Back to reality. Isabel turns on their bedroom light.
Jesse: Aw.
Isabel: Jesse are you stoned?
Jesse: Aw, I'm such an idiot.
Isabel: Psychic like, Carrie?
Jesse: Ok. Stop.
Isabel: You sure you went to Harvard?
Jesse: Look forget it, ok, just forget it. Turn off the light I feel stupid in the light. (he goes to turn off the light)
Isabel: Oh but in the dark, (she turns it back on) it's ok to think that you're married to a witch.
Jesse: Yes. Turn it off. Come on turn it off. She turns it off.
Jesse: (he laughs) I can't believe I said that.
Isabel: (as she lays down beside him) Yeah.
Jesse: If you think that sounded crazy wait til you hear Eric's latest idea.
Isabel: What's that?
Jesse: (sighs) You're never gonna believe this, he's actually got a story that sounds like you, Max and Michael are all (he laughs) the Roswell aliens. Isabel laughs half-heartedly.
Jesse: Yeah.
Isabel: Wow. Back at the office.
Mr.Evans: The Roswell aliens? They both laugh.
Mr.Evans: NA that's crazy.
Jesse: He's just trying to make a sale. But I seriously doubt he even believes it himself.
Mr.Evans: So who was this social worker that fed him this nonsense about the kids having psychic Powers?
Jesse: He wouldn't say. He said he promised her anonymity. And uh, frankly I don't even know How he tracked this person down. You know, all those records are supposed to be kept under seal.
Mr.Evans: You know what? We might have her name. Pull Michael's emancipation file. I-It Might have a list of his counselors over at County Services.
Jesse: That's a good idea. Jesse goes over to check for the file and finds it missing.
Jesse: Its not here.
Mr. Evans: What do you mean?
Jesse: It's not here. Unless it was misfiled or Back at the apartment
Jesse: You stole it!
Eric: Aw, come on Jesse I was gonna give it back tomorrow. It's no big deal.
Jesse: You know what you did is a felony?! That I can have you arrested just by picking up the Phone!
Eric: Hey easy. I know you're pissed off but I'm just doing my job. I am a reporter Jesse. It's a Good story.
Jesse: Well not anymore it isn't. (he hands him a paper)
Eric: What is this?
Jesse: That's an injunction. Preventing you from selling or attempting to sell any information based On illegal access to records protected by attorney client privilege. Back to the sitcom. Isabel uses her powers to change Eric into a parrot.
Jesse: Sorry we had to do this to ya.
Isabel: But you really didn't leave us much choice.
Parrot/Eric: Squack. She's an alien.
Jesse: So what should we do with him?
Isabel: (Sighs) I'm thinking the pet store. A nice little boy would love to take you home.
Parrot/Eric: Squack, I'm not an animal. Squack, I'm a human being.
Isabel: Just keep telling yourself that. I'll be back before dinner.
Parrot/Eric: Squack. Damn it Jim, I'm a reporter, not a parrot. Back to reality.
Eric: I don't believe this.
Jesse: Yeah well believe it, now just pack your stuff and get out! She starts putting Eric's stuff together.
Eric: What!
Jesse: Look Eric, I asked you to drop the story as a friend and what did you do? You lied to me. You knew you weren't going to let it go. (Isabel watches worried)
Eric: I'm sorry.
Jesse: Sorry! Eric you looked me in the eye and told me that one of your sources put you onto the Social worker when the truth was that you stole it from my own office.
Eric: All right, I screwed up! I admit it. I won't write the stupid alien story but come on Jesse. It's you and me man, we go back.
Jesse: Uh-uh. You can insult me, you can hit me, you can do almost anything you want to me and Usually I'll find a way to get over it. Ok, but you can't lie to me in my own house, you can't take Advantage of my trust and my friendship. Now I want you gone! Don't come back! He leaves and Jesse throws his hat after him and slams the door. Back to the sitcom.
Isabel: None of this would be necessary if we could just tell the humans the truth.
Max: (wiping the spaceships windows) Are you serious. These primates have barely mastered Walking upright. They couldn't handle the truth.
Isabel: Jesse did just fine.
Max: Yeah, he's a real genius.
Isabel: You're talking about my husband.
Max: Must you remind me.
Isabel: If it weren't for Jesse
Max: Life would be much quieter.
Isabel: And I, would be miserable. We're meant to be together Max. You're just going to have to Accept that.
Max: Isabel it's bad enough you married one of them but try to remember that you are from a Superior race of beings, a race that has conquered the mysteries of space travel, a race that stands Head and shoulders above these primitive monkey children
Michael: Found the problem with the spaceship. My yo-yo was caught in the warp-drive.
Max: Well, some of us stand a little taller than others. Back to reality. The three of them on their way to the crashdown.
Michael: So Jesse saved the day.
Isabel: Yeah.
Max: I know what you're gonna say. That's twice now that he saved us and so now he's earned The right to know the truth. And I don't necessarily disagree but I think that before
Isabel: No, Max, I. I'm really, really not pushing about it right now. He was really mad, I mean, I've never seen him so angry, you know and he was angry because he was lied to by someone he Trusted.
Michael: You're his wife. He'll forgive you.
Isabel: Maybe. But he'll never forget I lied. You know it will always be there between us. Na, I want to tell him but um, I'm afraid to. The problem is I don't live in a sitcom. You know they Get to wrap everything up all nice and neat but real life is complicated. Back to the apartment.
Jesse: Can't sleep?
Isabel: I just, I just keep thinking of your friend Eric I mean, you guys were really close for a long Time.
Jesse: Yeah. Well, thing's change. Don't worry I have other friends. Ok. Besides you are all that Matters to me. (he holds her close) You're all I need. Back to the sitcom.
Jesse: So what's the lesson Isabel?
Isabel: Never trust one of your friends.
Jesse: Never use your powers out in public dear.
Isabel: And never let Max park the spaceship in the basement.
Jesse: Promise.
Isabel: Aliens honor.
Jesse: Come here. They Hug.
Jesse: Oh, you're all that matters to me. You're all I need.
Isabel: Aw, sweetheart. | Plan: A: an old reporter friend; Q: Who suspects that Jesse married an alien? A: Roswell; Q: Where does Jesse's old reporter friend visit? A: an exposé; Q: What does the old reporter friend of Jesse start writing? A: Isabel; Q: Who imagines how life would be if Jesse knew the truth? A: a sitcom; Q: What does Isabel imagine they'd be in if Jesse knew the truth? Summary: When an old reporter friend of Jesse's comes to Roswell for a visit, he begins to suspect that Jesse married an alien and starts writing an exposé. Isabel imagines how life would be if Jesse knew the truth and daydreams they're in a sitcom inspired by "I Dream of Jeannie." |
[ Penny's apartment ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Penny: So, tell me about your day, how's it going with the particle detector?
Leonard: Wow, you remember that?
Penny: Yeah, I listen to what you say. You're building a particle detector using superfluid helium.
Leonard: You know, when you talk like that, I want to take you right here on this table.
Penny: And you know from past experience this table cannot support both our weight. So, how's the detector going?
Leonard: Well, it's tricky working with superfluids. Whatever container you put them in, they kind of creep up the sides and crawl out all on their own.
Penny: Kind of like Sheldon's ant farm.
Leonard: Exactly, except you don't have a lunatic running around, yelling, I fed you sugar water, why are you biting me? Come on, this is boring, you really want to talk about this?
Penny: No, I do. I-I didn't write "superfluid helium" on this napkin for nothing.
Leonard: Okay, well, this is cool. Uh, there's a thing called "superfluid vacuum theory", where empty space is imagined as a superfluid with all of its qualities, viscosity, density, surface tension...
Penny: Hey, if you're pausing for dramatic effect, I'd keep it moving.
Leonard: No, no. People don't talk about surface tension. If you imagine our three-space as the surface of an N-dimensional superfluid bubble... This is exciting. This is really exciting. I have to go find Sheldon.
Penny: Okay, well, if you find him, use the kitchen island, that coffee table will not support both of you.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ The apartment ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Leonard: Which means a spherical multidimensional superfluid shows the same negative-energy density as space-time. So what do you think? What do you think? So what do you think?
Sheldon: Hmm.
Leonard: What? Is it wrong? Have you seen it somewhere else?
Sheldon: Hmm.
Leonard: I know this isn't my area, and I could never do the math like you can, but could this be something?
Sheldon: Well, (sighs) (stammers) you could have set Newton's gravitational constant to one. And, ugh, the whole thing reeks of blueberry. You know I can't stand these scented markers.
Leonard: No one told you to taste them. Come on, is, is this good or not?
Sheldon: It's good.
Leonard: Really?
Sheldon: I like it. I think you're on to something.
Leonard: You do? You're not messing with me?
Sheldon: Not at all. In fact, I have got something for just such an occasion. I was starting to think I might never get a chance to give it to you. Good job.
Leonard: You're giving me a sticker?
Sheldon: Not just a sticker. That is a sticker of a kitty saying me-wow.
Leonard: I'm not a preschooler.
Sheldon: (stammers) Fine, I'll take it back.
Leonard: I earned this. Back off.
[SCENE_BREAK]
♪ Our whole universe was in a hot, dense state ♪ ♪ Then nearly 14 billion years ago expansion started... Wait! ♪ ♪ The Earth began to cool ♪ ♪ The autotrophs began to drool, Neanderthals developed tools ♪ ♪ We built the Wall ♪ ♪ We built the pyramids ♪ ♪ Math, Science, History, unraveling the mystery ♪ ♪ That all started with a big bang ♪ ♪ Bang! ♪
Original Air Date on February 5, 2015
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ The apartment ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Leonard: You're still awake?
Sheldon: For a man whose last observation was our universe may be the surface of a multidimensional supercooled liquid, "you're still awake" seems like quite the sophomore slump.
Leonard: You worked out all the math.
Sheldon: Oh, I did more than work out all the math. I wrote a paper.
Leonard: You wrote a paper on my idea?
Sheldon: I wrote a paper on our idea.
Leonard: When did my idea become our idea?
Sheldon: When I mixed it with Sheldony goodness and cooked it in the Easy-Bake oven of my mind.
Leonard: This is good. Our idea is really good.
Sheldon: Well, the lightbulb in this oven is ridiculously bright.
Leonard: You know, if no one's thought of this, yet, this could be a big deal.
Sheldon: Only way we'll know for sure is if we post it online to the pre-print server. I have it ready to go, but I wasn't gonna do it without you.
Leonard: Wow, it's all happening so fast. Should we just sleep on it?
Sheldon: We could, but we always run the risk of someone else beating us to the punch.
Leonard: You're sure it's good?
Sheldon: My name is right on there with yours. That is a surefire mark of quality. That might as well say "directed by Joss Whedon".
Leonard: Okay, partner, let's do it.
Sheldon: Come on. Click the mouse with me.
Leonard: One, two three.
Together: Click.
Leonard: Well, we did it.
Sheldon: Yes, we did, my friend.
Leonard: Is your tongue blue?
Sheldon: I don't want to talk about it.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Penny's apartment ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Bernadette: Okay, movie night, what do you want to watch?
Amy: Whatever happened to that ape movie you were in?
Penny: Oh, God. Probably nothing. I think I saw the director twirling a sign outside the Verizon store.
Bernadette: Search for it.
Penny: What, no, why?
Bernadette: 'Cause it would be fun to watch.
Penny: It would be humiliating.
Bernadette: Well, now we have two reasons.
Amy: They have it.
Bernadette: Please, can we watch it?
Amy: (sighs) Please?
Penny: Fine, but I'm telling you, it's terrible.
Amy: Have you even seen it?
Penny: No.
Bernadette: Well, maybe it turned out better than you think.
(bike bell rings on TV)
Voice on TV: Bananas, get your fresh bananas.
Bernadette: (laughing) It really didn't.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Leonard's laboratory ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Leonard: Sheldon, this is superfluid helium. Put this in your mouth, your tongue will freeze and break off.
Sheldon: Does it smell like blueberries?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: Then we're probably okay.
Howard: Hey, your paper got mentioned on the Quantum Diaries physics blog.
Leonard: (gasps) Really? What'd they say?
Howard: Uh, it's basically a summary of the theory, but there's a bunch of positive comments on the message board.
Leonard: Let me see, let me see. One calls it insightful and innovative. We're insightful and innovative.
Sheldon: Oh, nice to meet you, Mr. Insightful.
Leonard: Oh, the pleasure is mine, Mr. Innovative. Uh, another one says, "The concept shows some real out-of-the-box thinking". Do you hear that, Mr. Out-Of-The?
Sheldon: I do, indeed, Mr. Box-Thinking.
Howard: How are you today, Mr. Can-You-Believe-These-Jack-Asses?
Raj: Just dandy, Mr I-Wish-I-Was-Better-At-Improv.
Sheldon: Read another one.
Leonard: Okay, okay. Uh, "The analogy between space-time and a supercooled fluid is either meaningless or false. I wish this blog would devote itself to real science instead of wasting our time with crackpot wannabe theoreticians in a rush to publish."
Sheldon: Who wrote that?
Leonard: It's anonymous, and user name "General Relativity".
Sheldon: Well, I'm responding to it.
Leonard: Uh, don't lower yourself to their level.
Sheldon: Look, I am simply going to defend our work, scientist to scientist. And failing that, suggest that his mother enjoys a string of both human and non-human lovers.
Leonard: Sheldon, my name's on that paper, too. There's no upside to doing this.
Sheldon: He just left another comment.
Raj: What does it say?
Leonard: "Upon review, I've changed my mind about the Cooper-Hofstadter hypothesis that space-time is like a superfluid. In fact, it's inspired me to come up with my own theory. Maybe space-time is like two clowns with their heads in a bucket, much like Cooper and Hofstadter."
Sheldon: Can I respond now?
Leonard: Do it.
Sheldon: You mess with the bull, you get the horns. I'm about to show this guy just how horny I can be.
Leonard: Somebody else do it.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Penny's apartment ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Penny (on TV): Doctor, please help me. I think I might be turning into a killer gorilla.
Doctor: Why do you think you're turning into a killer gorilla and not just a regular gorilla?
Penny (on TV): Because regular gorillas are vegetarians, and I just bit the fingers off your receptionist.
(Penny screeching like an ape; chaotic clattering)
Penny: Okay, we've seen plenty.
Bernadette: No, give me the remote.
Amy: Careful. She'll bite your fingers off.
Penny: Okay, well, I've been poking around the internet, and I think I found something we'll enjoy watching even more.
Amy: What is it?
Penny: Oh, just a video of Bernadette in a beauty pageant.
Amy: What?
Bernadette: Okay, I learned my lesson. Making fun of people is wrong.
Amy: I haven't learned my lesson. Play it. Play it.
Bernadette (on screen): Hi. I'm Bernadette Maryann Rostenkowski from Yorba Linda, California.
Penny: You look like a talking cupcake.
Bernadette (on screen): And you should pick me for Miss California Quiznos 1999, because I want to... ♪ tell you what I want, what I really really want, l tell you what I want, what I really really want, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna Really, really, really be Miss California Quiznos 1999! ♪
Amy: Play it again. Play it again.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ The apartment ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Raj: Did he respond yet?
Sheldon: Hmm. No, not yet.
Leonard: Well, maybe we shouldn't have sunk to his level.
Howard: It wasn't that bad.
Leonard: Read it back one more time.
Sheldon: (clears throat) "My good sir, we are neither crackpots nor wannabes. In fact, we are experts in our fields. And while you hide behind your anonymity, we stand behind our paper. And later tonight, your mother."
Leonard: And you don't think that's too rough?
Sheldon: We're just standing behind her. It's not like we're gonna say boo and scare her.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Penny's apartment ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Penny: How could you not tell us you were in beauty pageants?
Bernadette: 'Cause it's embarrassing.
Penny: (laughing) It is; it truly is.
Bernadette: Yeah, well, Amy writes Little House on the Prairie fan fiction about herself and posts it on the Internet.
Penny: No.
Amy: Why? What did I do?
Bernadette: Sorry, I had to get the spotlight off me, and tearing down other women is part of my pageant training.
Penny: Okay. We are reading that right now.
Amy: No, please don't.
Bernadette: We got embarrassed tonight. Come on.
Amy: But it's personal.
Penny: Why? Is it about you and Sheldon?
Amy: (chuckles) No.
Penny: Oh, my God, it's about her and Sheldon.
Amy: It's not about me and Sheldon. It's about a young woman in the 1800s named Amelia, and the time-traveling physicist named Cooper she falls in love with.
Penny: Please show us?
Bernadette: Please?
Amy: No.
Penny: You know I'm gonna read it either way.
Amy: (scoffs) Good luck finding it.
Penny: Amelia and the time-trav... found it! (chuckles) It was just past dawn on the prairie, and like every morning, Amelia prepared to do her chores. Except something about this morning felt different.
Bernadette: Why? Why did it feel different?
Penny: "Maybe it was the first whisper of winter in the air, or maybe it was the unconscious handsome man with porcelain skin and curious clothing she was about to discover lying in the field. A man who would open her mind to new possibilities and her body to new feelings."
(Penny and Bernadette squealing)
Amy: You know, there was a time when I was alone and had no friends. I'm starting to miss that.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ The apartment ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Sheldon: He still hasn't responded. What's taking him so long?
Leonard: Do you really want him to write back?
Sheldon: Yeah, I do. Then no matter how he responds, I am going to destroy him with a picture of a bored cat saying, "Oh, really?"
Leonard: Me-wow.
Howard: What are you doing?
Raj: I've, uh, created some other user accounts so I can post positive comments about their paper.
Howard: "This wee li'l bairn of a theory nearly blew my kilt off."
Raj: No. You have to read it how Dr. Angus McDougal of the University of Edinburgh would. (Scottish accent) "This wee li'l bairn of a theory nearly blew me kilt off."
Sheldon: (gasps) He wrote back. "Cooper and Hofstadter resorting to juvenile attempts at humour is proof they have nothing to back up their ridiculous paper. It should come as no surprise given they work at Cal Tech, essentially a technical school, where even the physicists are basically engineers." (gasps) "Engineers"? Do you know how insulting that is?
Howard: Yes.
Raj: Guys, this person's just going out of their way to get a rise out of you.
Sheldon: Yeah, but it's still so aggravating.
Raj: Yeah, well, all the other comments said really nice things. Focus on those.
Howard: Yeah. Dr. Dmitri Plancovik of Moscow University said, (Russian accent) "Dis paper great, I love it more than wodka".
Raj: See? Better with the accent.
Sheldon: And send.
Leonard: What did you write?
Sheldon: I'm done hiding from bullies. I'm taking this into the real world.
Leonard: What does that mean?
Sheldon: I told him we'll meet him face-to-face anytime, anywhere.
Leonard: Are you crazy? You don't know who this person is. Delete that.
Raj: Come on, Sheldon!
Sheldon: Oh, okay, okay, calm down. (electronic tones play) (gasps) It's him. He's trying to video chat. Perhaps I shouldn't have taken this into the real world.
Leonard: Oh, really?
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Penny's apartment ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Penny: "'Time travel? I don't understand,' said Amelia. Cooper stared at her. 'Which word don't you understand, time or travel?'"
Bernadette: Wow, even in your fantasies Sheldon's kind of exhausting.
Amy: He's like that in the beginning, so she can change him. It's called good writing. And wishful thinking.
Penny: "It stung Amelia when he spoke to her this way. In her little one-room schoolhouse, she was always the smartest student, regularly besting the boys in her class, but this was no boy in front of her, this was a man."
Bernadette: Here we go.
Penny: "Cooper told Amelia about all the strange and incredible things the future would hold, like computers and living past 30. He asked her if she had any questions. All she longed to ask was if his heart was beating as fast as hers, but she was too afraid to hear the answer."
Bernadette: Oh, Amelia.
Penny: "So instead she asked if, in the future, Montana ever became a state."
Amy: In the 1800s that was considered flirting.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ The apartment ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Raj: I'm so sick of people being mean on the Internet.
Howard: Well, I think the anonymity makes everyone feel like they can say things they'd never say to your face.
Sheldon: Interesting. I can't think of a single thing I wouldn't say to someone's face.
Leonard: Never noticed that about you.
Raj: You know what? At least you guys did something. You know, you, you had a theory, you wrote a paper, you made an actual contribution. All guys like this do is just stand on other people's work.
Sheldon: He's right. I say we call this person back. We've got no reason to hide.
Leonard: All right, do it. Call him. Let's find out what this loser's ever accomplished.
Sheldon: Click it with me. One, two, three, click.
(line ringing)
Stephen Hawking: Well, hello there.
Sheldon: Professor Hawking?
Stephen Hawking: Oh, brother, you should see the look on your faces.
Leonard: You really didn't like our paper?
Stephen Hawking: I like your paper very much. The premise is intriguing.
Sheldon: Then why are you attacking us?
Stephen Hawking: If you were sitting in a chair for 40 years, you'd get bored, too. Anyway, got to go. I promised to help the neighbour kid with his maths homework. Ciao.
Leonard: Stephen Hawking liked our paper. (chuckles softly) Said the premise is intriguing.
Sheldon: Good to see you again, Mr. Stephen-Hawking Liked-Our-Paper.
Leonard: And you as well, Mr. Our-Premise-Is-Intriguing.
Howard: How do you do, Mr. I'll-Admit-That's-Pretty-Cool?
Raj: Yeah, you keep setting me up for failure.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Penny's apartment ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Penny: "With a heavy heart, Amelia stood before the newly repaired time machine. She regretted giving Cooper the part he needed."
Bernadette: Because she wanted him to give her the part she needed.
Amy: Okay, that's enough.
Penny: What? No, I really want to know what happens, and Bernadette really, really, really wants to know what happens.
Amy: You're just making fun of me.
Bernadette: I was just kidding. I'm sorry. And the story's really good.
Penny: No, it is. Does he stay? Do they kiss? Does she find out about Montana?
Bernadette: Please?
Amy: Fine. "As Cooper prepared to depart, tears filled Amelia's eyes. He took her hand in his and said, 'I can't stay, but I will never forget you.' He brushed his fingers against her cheek, then quickly stepped into the machine. 'Please don't go,' she whispered. But it was too late. The engine hummed to life."
Bernadette: But they didn't even kiss.
Amy: "She turned away, wiping her eyes. She couldn't bear to watch her one chance at true love disappear forever. Then she felt a strong hand on her shoulder spin her around. It was Cooper."
Penny: (gasps) Yes.
Amy: "'What about the future?' asked Amelia. He looked deeply into her eyes and whispered, 'There is no future without you.' He pulled her in close. She began to tremble all over. She felt his warm breath..."
Leonard: You will not believe what Stephen Hawking just said.
Penny: Get out!
Bernadette: Not now!
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ An 1800's house ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Amelia: Is the water warm enough?
Cooper: Given the fact that you took the time to build a wood fire, draw the water from the well and heat it, it would be rude to complain. But since you asked, it's a little nippy.
Amelia: I can fix that. I couldn't help but notice your unusual undergarments.
Cooper: They're not undergarments. They're Underoos. Where I come from, they're known as underwear that's fun to wear.
Amelia: And what's the significance of the spider?
Cooper: Oh, that represents Spider-Man. He does whatever a spider can.
Amelia: There's a lot of rhyming in the future, isn't there?
Leonard: You're right. This is even weirder than I thought.
Penny: You want me to stop reading?
Leonard: Are you kidding? No, no.
Penny: "As he stood for Amelia to dry him..."
Amelia: So, tell me, Cooper, are the ways of physical love different in the future?
Leonard: Yeah, okay, I'm good. | Plan: A: Leonard; Q: Who has a revelation about Superfluid vacuum? A: Sheldon; Q: Who writes a paper on their work? A: a paper; Q: What does Sheldon write about Leonard's theory? A: one; Q: How many trolls make disparaging comments about the paper? A: panics; Q: What does Sheldon do when he tries to video call the troll? A: their harasser; Q: Who is revealed to be Professor Stephen Hawking? A: Professor Stephen Hawking; Q: Who is the troll who harassed Leonard and Sheldon revealed to be? A: their paper; Q: What did Sheldon and Leonard post online? A: Penny; Q: Who finds video footage of Bernadette in a beauty pageant? A: Penny's apartment; Q: Where do the girls spend the night embarrassing each other? A: the terrible gorilla movie; Q: What was Penny's last acting job? A: Penny's last acting job; Q: What was the gorilla movie that Penny and Bernadette watch at Penny's apartment? A: Bernadette; Q: Who reveals Amy's romantic fan fiction about her and Sheldon? A: the story; Q: What do Amy and Sheldon become invested in? A: the fanfic; Q: What does Leonard enjoy Penny reading to him? A: a creepy sex scene; Q: What does Leonard stop reading before? Summary: Leonard has a revelation about Superfluid vacuum and presents his theory to Sheldon who approves. Sheldon writes a paper on their work and they post an online paper together. It is well received except for one troll who makes disparaging comments. Sheldon challenges this person, but panics when he tries to video call him. Leonard and Sheldon decide to stand up for themselves and are stunned when their harasser is revealed as Professor Stephen Hawking who actually liked their paper and had only commented negatively because he was bored. Meanwhile at Penny's apartment the girls spend the night embarrassing each other, first by watching the terrible gorilla movie that was Penny's last acting job, then Penny finds some video footage of a younger Bernadette in a beauty pageant, and finally Bernadette reveals Amy's romantic fan fiction of Little House on the Prairie theme about her and Sheldon: this backfires when they become invested in the story. Leonard also enjoys Penny reading the fanfic to him, but stops before a creepy sex scene. |
Boy: Davros. My name is Davros.
The Doctor: Davros created a new kind of warrior. Davros made the Daleks. But who made Davros?
Boy: You said you'd help me!
Clara: Shame. You're ashamed.
Colony Sarff: Davros is dying. He has a message for the Doctor.
Missy: This is a trap.
( Hissing )
The Doctor: You brought me to Skaro!
Missy: This is the planet of the Daleks.
( Missy screams )
The Doctor: Clara!
Davros: You cannot help her now, Doctor. Compassion... is... wrong.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Planet surface ]
Missy: Consider the Doctor. The Doctor, trapped. The Doctor, alone. You all right there, dear?
Clara: Where are we? How did we?
Missy: Shh, now. Mummy's talking. OK, I'm going to tell you a story of the Doctor. It's classic. On the run, no TARDIS. No friends, no help. In other words, the Doctor, happy. It was a long time ago.
Missy: Doesn't matter which face he was wearing, they're all the Doctor to me. So let's give it to the eyebrows.
Clara: But the Daleks...
Missy: Yes, I'm coming to that.
Clara: Shouldn't we be, um...? I don't want to say dead.
Missy: Hush! He's travelling by teleporter. Unfortunately, his teleporter is out of power. Also unfortunate, he's being stalked by, oh, say about 50 android assassins? I may be rounding up.
Missy: Ow! 50 invisible, indestructible android assassins, all exclusively programmed to kill him.
Clara: Why are you sharpening that stick?
Missy: Well, I've no idea how long we're going to be stuck out here. Might have to go hunting.
Clara: So why am I tied up?
Missy: In case there's nothing to hunt.
Missy: The Doctor, then. Surrounded. Outnumbered. Outgunned. And freeze. Nanoseconds to live. Four, I'd say, being generous. Now, my question is this... How... did he... survive?
Missy: Oh, come on, Clara! You know him. Consider the Doctor.
Clara: Where did he get that teleport thingy?
Missy: Oh, good, good. He stole one from an android.
Clara: So, I'm guessing he uses the same energy as the android weapons, right?
Missy: Excellent! Not seeing you as sandwiches now.
Clara: OK, then. He uses the energy wave from the android weapons to recharge the teleport bracelet and at the exact moment he's supposed to disintegrate,
Clara: He actually teleports. Hang on, that's how you did it. That's how we escaped the Daleks.
Missy: I modified the same principle for our vortex manipulators, yes. Blew them off, I'm afraid. But the Doctor, he, he improvised it. He must have got through several thousand calculations in the time it takes to fire up a disintegrator. Seriously, what a swot!
Clara: So the androids think he's dead and the Doctor escapes.
( Thud )
Missy: No, he's the Doctor. He fell into a nest of vampire monkeys.
( Monkeys screech )
Missy: But that's another story!
Clara: Oh!
Missy: Why does the Doctor always survive?
Clara: Because he's clever.
Missy: Yes, but there's lots of clever dead people. I love killing clever clogs, they make the best faces.
Clara: Because he always assumes he's going to win. He always knows there's a way to survive. He just has to go and find it.
Missy: Yes, except this time, he made a will and threw himself a goodbye party. Now, if the Doctor assumes he's going to die, what happens then?
Clara: We do.
Missy: He's trapped at the heart of the Dalek empire. He's a prisoner of the creatures who hate him most in the universe. Between us and him is everything the deadliest race in all of history can throw at us. We, on the other hand, have a pointy stick. How do we start?
Clara: We assume we're going to win.
Missy: Oh. Pity, really. I was actually quite peckish.
Clara: Can I have a stick too?
Missy: Make your own stick.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Davros' room ]
Davros: It took me so very long to realise it was you, standing at the gates of my beginning. And here you are at the end.
Davros: But this time, I have you at my mercy. Exterminate.
Davros: Ancient. Inoperable.
The Doctor: Genius.
Davros: You would threaten a dying man? Have I not suffered enough?
The Doctor: Get out.
Davros: I cannot leave this chamber. It sustains me.
The Doctor: Get out!
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Control room ]
Dalek: Alert! Alert! The infirmary is breached.
Dalek Supreme: Protect Davros. Davros must be assisted.
Dalek: Davros is leaving the infirmary.
Dalek Supreme: Davros must remain. Davros cannot leave.
Davros (O.C.): My children! Help me!
Dalek Supreme: You must return to the infirmary.
Davros (O.C.): The Doctor is escaping. Find him. Find the Doctor.
Dalek Supreme: Find the Doctor! Seek, locate, destroy!
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Corridors ]
Daleks: Seek, locate, destroy. Seek, locate.
Battle Dalek: Exterminate the Doctor!
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Planet surface ]
Daleks (O.C.): Exterminate the Doctor! Exterminate!
Clara: What's happening?
Missy: What do you think?
Clara: He's in the middle of that?
Missy: Ah, that's what we need.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Control room ]
Davros (O.C.): Assist me!
Dalek: Davros approaches.
Dalek Supreme: Admit Davros. Admit the creator.
Davros: Help me!
Dalek Supreme: Assist Davros. Assist.
The Doctor: Admit it. You've all had this exact nightmare.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Davros' room ]
Davros: Get me Sarff!
Colony Sarff: I am here.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Control room ]
The Doctor: So,anyone for dodgems?
Dalek Supreme: Exterminate!
Daleks: Exterminate! Exterminate!
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Cave ]
Clara: Daleks have sewers?
Missy: With one significant difference.
Clara: Being?
Missy: They're ever so slightly alive.
Clara: They're what?
Missy: How much of a drop would you say that is? Can you see the bottom?
Clara: Too dark. Er, we could chuck a stone down, or something.
Missy: Oh yeah, good idea.
Clara: Oh!
( Clara screams
THUD! )
Missy: 20 feet.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Control room ]
( He slurps )
The Doctor: Of course, the real question is, where did I get the cup of tea? Answer? I'm the Doctor. Just accept it.
Dalek Supreme: You are unharmed.
The Doctor: Proposition. Davros is an insane, paranoid genius who has survived among several billion trigger-happy mini-tanks for centuries. Conclusion? I'm definitely having his chair.
Dalek Supreme: You cannot escape, Doctor.
The Doctor: I'm guessing his personal forcefield only works in one direction.
Dalek Supreme: The Doctor does not use weapons.
The Doctor: Doesn't he? Ah, listen to your little hearts beat!
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Sewers ]
Clara: Ah...
Missy: Hello.
Missy: Oh, poppet. Do you really think you could?
Clara: First chance I get.
Missy: You won't survive down here on your own.
Clara: You won't survive turning your back.
Missy: Ooo. How exciting.
Missy: God, you're dull.
Missy: In future, if you're going to take my stick, do me the courtesy of actually killing me. Team work is all about respect.
Clara: We're not a team.
Missy: Of course we are. Every miner needs a canary. Now, hush, look around. Bit of a mess, isn't it?
Clara: You said it was a sewer.
Missy: Daleks don't generate much in the way of waste.
Clara: So what is it all, then?
Missy: Decaying Daleks. Daleks can't die. Genetically hard-wired to keep on living, whatever happens. Well. But they still age, poor loves. Over time, the body breaks down, rots, liquefies. Interestingly, the Dalek word for sewer is the same as their word... ( Dalek shrieks ) .. for graveyard.
( Shrieking gets louder )
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Control room ]
The Doctor: Ask me what I want.
Dalek Supreme: Irrelevant. You will not prevail. You will not succeed.
The Doctor: I've been at the heart of your empire for forty two minutes, and I own it, and I haven't even got out of my chair. Ask me what I want.
Dalek Supreme: What do you want?
The Doctor: Clara Oswald.
The Doctor (over intercom): I want Clara Oswald, safe, alive, and returned to me immediately. You bring her back. You do that. You do that now. Unharmed...
The Doctor: Unhurt... alive.
Dalek Supreme: Your associate...
The Doctor: I saw what happened. I was there. And I'm hoping, for all of our sakes, that it was a trick.
Dalek Supreme: It was not a deception.
The Doctor: Because if Clara Oswald is really dead, then you'd better be very, very careful how you tell me.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Sewers ]
Missy: Listen to that. The Doctor without hope.
The Doctor (O.C.): Who's going to tell me?
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Control room ]
The Doctor: Who's going to go first?
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Sewers ]
Missy: Nobody is safe now.
The Doctor (O.C.): All the power Davros had is mine.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Control room ]
The Doctor: Everything he had, I have.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Sewers ]
The Doctor (O.C.): Who's going to tell me that Clara Oswald is really dead?
Missy: He'll burn everything. Us too.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Control room ]
Dalek Supreme: Clara Oswald is not alive.
Davros: Doctor, this urge for conquest. It is gratifying to see you learn.
The Doctor: Davros. You're up. Sorry, this seat's taken.
Davros: Indeed. But not by you.
( Hissing )
Ugh! Argh...
Davros: You've met my Head of Personal Security, I think. Colony Sarff. His agents are everywhere.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Davros' room ]
Davros: Are you ready?
Colony Sarff: Of course.
Davros: Be subtle, Colony Sarff. Tonight, we entrap a Time Lord.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Sewers ]
Clara: What is that? A lift?
Missy: What? Never mind the lift. See that thing on the wall?
Clara: What about it?
Missy: Take a look.
Clara: What is it?
Missy: Closer.
Clara: What am I even looking for?
Missy: Nothing. I'm giving it a good look at you.
Dalek (O.C.): Intruder alert! Intruder alert!
( Alarms blare )
Clara: Why the hell did you do that?
Missy: Ever ring a doorbell and run away?
Dalek (O.C.): Humanoid detected in lower level.
Missy: Not this time.
Dalek (O.C.): Dalek to Lower Level Thirteen.
Clara: What the hell did you do that for?
Missy: We need to trap and kill a Dalek. You're the bait, I'm the hook.
Missy: Dark star alloy. Goes through armour plating like a knife through people.
Clara: Missy. Missy. Missy, uncuff me now!
Missy: It's pretty, though, isn't it? Got it in the olden days on Gallifrey. The Doctor gave it to me when my daughter...
( Lift clanks )
Missy: Keep it talking. We need to draw it out of the lift.
Clara: You can't kill a Dalek with a brooch.
Missy: Yes, you can. Yes, you can.
Dalek: Humanoid detected. Remain still. Do not move. Scan in progress. Humanoid unauthorised in restricted area.
Dalek: Sterilisation proceeding.
Missy: Hey, you! Guess what? ( Clanking, hissing ) I just put a hole in you.
Missy: And another and another. And another!
Clara: What are you doing?
Missy: Murdering a Dalek. I'm a Time Lady, it's our golf.
Dalek: Damage levels insignificant.
Missy: Oh, really? I think you're forgetting you're surrounded by a bunch of very old, very angry Daleks.
( Daleks screech )
Missy (in American accent): You just got yourself a puncture in a bad neighbourhood. Meet the locals? All blind and squelchy and out of their tiny minds, but they can still smell! Nobody hates like a Dalek. Here they come! I think they want to steal your motor.
Dalek: Emergency! Emergency! My vision is impaired.
Dalek: Exterminate! Exterminate!
Missy: Oh, here comes the older generation!
Missy: These young folks today are so tetchy!
Dalek: Emergency! Emergency!
(BOOM!)
Missy: Wheeeeeee!
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Battleground ]
Young Davros: Help me! You can't leave me. You promised. You did! You said I could survive. You said you'd help me. Help me!
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Davros' room ]
Davros: I hope you are grateful. It wasn't easy to procure. And very nearly unique, of course. You should feel privileged. The only other chair on Skaro.
Davros: Don't get up.
The Doctor: You neither.
Davros: The chamber is sealed, and I believe you are not carrying your sonic device.
The Doctor: I gave it up. Bad memories.
Davros: I am dying, Doctor.
The Doctor: You keep saying that, you keep not dying. Can you give it some welly? Come on.
Davros: And it is time for us to conclude our business together.
The Doctor: We have no business.
Davros: We have nothing but. Look again at the cables, Doctor. Understand what they are. What they can do. Just step a little closer.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Sewers ]
Missy: Get in.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Davros' room ]
The Doctor: They don't have much respect for you, do they? Your kids. Have you seen the state of this place? I mean, this is exactly where you dump a smelly old uncle / family pet / genius scientist who couldn't even invent legs. Seriously, how do your boys take it when everybody else has got two eyes?
Davros: You know what it is, of course.
The Doctor: Oh, yes. It's a hyperspace relay, with some kind of a genetic component.
Davros: I am connected to the life force of every Dalek on this planet. It is what has kept me alive. As their hearts beat, so does mine.
The Doctor: Ooh... Nice. Vampiring off your own creations, just to eke out your days. I'm surprised the Daleks allow it.
Davros: Oh, they have no choice. My Daleks are afflicted with a genetic defect.
The Doctor: What defect?
Davros: Respect. Mercy for their father. Design flaws I was unable to eliminate. And now he sees it. Now he understands. The cables, Doctor. Touch them. Imagine, to hold in your hand the heartbeat of every Dalek on Skaro. They send me life. Is it beyond the wit of a Time Lord to send them death? A little work and it could be done.
The Doctor: Er, why would you be telling me this?
Davros: Genocide in a moment. Such slaughter, not in self-defence. Not as a simple act of war. Genocide as a choice. Are you ready, Doctor? So many backs with a single knife.
Davros: Are you ready to be a god?
Davros: Why do you hesitate? No one would know. Clara Oswald is dead. Is this the conscience of the Doctor, or his shame? The shame that brought you here.
The Doctor: There's no such thing as the Doctor. I'm just a bloke in a box, telling stories. And I didn't come here because I'm ashamed. A bit of shame never hurt anyone. I came because you're sick and you asked. And because sometimes, on a good day, if I try very hard, I'm not some old Time Lord who ran away. I'm the Doctor.
Davros: Compassion then.
The Doctor: Always.
Davros: It grows strong and fierce in you, like a cancer.
The Doctor: I hope so.
Davros: It will kill you in the end.
The Doctor: I wouldn't die of anything else.
Davros: You may rely on it.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Sewers ]
Clara: How am I supposed to make it go? Are there pedals?
Missy: Telepathic control. Open wide.
Missy: I meant your skull. Never mind...
( Beeping )
Clara: Ow!
Missy: Shh, shh, now, don't worry.
Clara: Ow.
Missy: There's loads of nano-tech repairing any damage as the feed goes in.
Clara: What about when it comes out?
Missy: No idea. Nobody knows. Anyway, to control the unit, you just have to think. Novel idea for you, but let's try it. Move forwards.
Clara: I don't know how to...
( Clara gasps )
Missy: You see?
Clara: Oh! How did I do that?
Missy: Circle right.
Clara: I can't...
Missy: Circle left. There you go. All right, this won't hurt a bit.
Clara: Hang on. No, Missy. No, no, no, no! No, Missy. Missy, no, no, no, please don't! Don't, don't, please!
Missy: Are you OK?
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Inside the Dalek ]
Clara: Fine, I think.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Sewers ]
Dalek: Fine, I think.
Clara: OK.
Clara in Dalek: OK. That's a bit weird.
Missy: Just a bit. OK. All right. Shh. Say your name.
Clara in Dalek: Why?
Missy: Just just say. Just say it.
Clara: Clara.
Clara in Dalek: Dalek.
Missy: Say it again.
Clara: Clara Oswald.
Clara in Dalek: Dalek. Dalek.
Missy: One more time.
Clara: I am Clara Oswald! I'm Clara Oswald!
Clara in Dalek: I am a Dalek! I am a Dalek! I am a Dalek! I am a Dalek!
( Missy laughs )
Missy: Whoa! Just... don't get emotional. Emotion fires the gun. OK?
Clara: I don't understand.
Clara in Dalek: I do not understand.
Missy: Say... "I love you." Those exact words. Don't ask me why, just say it.
Clara: I love you.
Clara in Dalek: Exterminate.
( Missy laughs )
Missy: Say, "You are different from me."
Clara: You are different from me.
Clara in Dalek: Exterminate! Exterminate!
Missy: Say, "Ex-ter-min-ate!"
Clara: Exterminate!
Clara in Dalek: Exterminate!
( Missy cackles )
Clara in Dalek: Exterminate! Exterminate! Exterminate! Exterminate!
Missy: Cybermen suppress emotion. Daleks channel it through a gun. That's why they keep yelling exterminate. It's how they reload. So, let's go and kill them. Come on.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Davros' room ]
Davros: There is a question, Doctor. One I have longed to ask.
The Doctor: Yeah, well, if you're going to put your hand on my knee, it isn't going to go well.
Davros: Why did you leave Gallifrey?
The Doctor: Well, because I did.
Davros: You stole the TARDIS, and ran and ran. Why?
The Doctor: It's a boring place, Gallifrey. I was going out of my mind.
Davros: Yet you long to return.
The Doctor: Ah, well, I'm inconsistent.
Davros: But it is always the same lie.
The Doctor: What lie?
Davros: You weren't bored. No one runs the way you have run for so small a reason.
The Doctor: I do.
Davros: No, you don't. Colony Sarff confiscated these items on your arrival.
Davros: A Time Lord confession dial, I believe. Your confession. Tell me. Send me to my grave with this precious knowledge. What is the Doctor's confession?
The Doctor: Don't you dare!
Davros: Is it possible I have touched a nerve?
The Doctor: Some things matter to me, Davros. Not many, but a few. And you don't put your fingers anywhere near them.
The Doctor: And they'd better not be scratched. These are my best ones.
Davros: Still you play the fool.
The Doctor: Well, by now that should make you nervous.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Corridor ]
Dalek: Halt! Report.
Clara: Humanoid intrud...
Clara in Dalek: Humanoid intruder found on lower levels.
Dalek: Why has the intruder not been exterminated? Explain. Explain. Explain!
Missy: I'm a prisoner of special significance. Count the hearts.
Dalek: You are a Time Lord?
Missy: Time Lady, thank you. Some of us can afford the upgrade. Is it still the same old Supreme Dalek these days? I fought him once on the slopes of the Never Vault. Tell him the bitch is back.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Davros' room ]
Davros: Make your confession, Doctor. Why did you really leave Gallifrey?
The Doctor: How long has it been, you and I?
Davros: Long enough. Galaxies have burned.
The Doctor: And now you ask me a personal question?
Davros: You have slaughtered billions of my children, as I have slaughtered billions of your race. We have exhausted the conventional means of communication.
The Doctor: My people are alive. They didn't die. I brought them back. I found a way.
Davros: Is this true?
The Doctor: Gallifrey is back in the sky. I don't know where, I may never know. But Gallifrey is back and it is safe from both of us.
Davros: Doctor, my most sincere congratulations.
The Doctor: I'm sorry?
Davros: This is wonderful news. Beyond all hope. I congratulate you.
The Doctor: Why are you saying that?
Davros: A man should have a race, a people, an allegiance. A man should belong, Doctor. Believe me, please. I am happy for you. So happy.
The Doctor: I don't, I don't understand this. Why are you...
Davros: Come closer again. Let me see your face.
The Doctor: You've seen it often enough.
Davros: Let me see it again with my own eyes.
( Beeping )
( Laboured breathing )
Davros: Closer, please.
Davros: If you have redeemed the Time Lords from the fire, do not lose them again. Take the darkest path into the deepest hell, but protect your own as I have sought to protect mine. Did I do right, Doctor? Tell me.
Davros: Was I right? I need to know before the end. Am I a good man?
The Doctor: You really are dying, aren't you?
Davros: Look at me. Did you doubt it?
The Doctor: Yes.
Davros: Then we have established one thing only.
The Doctor: What?
Davros: You are not... a good doctor.
( They chuckle )
( Laboured breathing )
Davros: Pity. I had hoped to see the sun one last time with the eyes of my true self.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Control room ]
Missy: Oh, hello! Look at you all, with your nice, shiny domes. Oh, I am loving this. You're my secret favourite. Don't tell the others.
Dalek Supreme: You are an enemy of the Daleks.
Missy: Yes, well, anyone who's not a Dalek is an enemy of the Daleks, so that was an easy guess.
Dalek Supreme: You will be exterminated.
Missy: Please, please do, because I have been on my feet all day.
Missy: But before you get all exterminate-y, two things. One, I want to see Davros. Two, I have a lovely little gift for you all, if you take me to him right now.
Dalek Supreme: We do not negotiate.
Missy: Clara Oswald. I brought you complete control of the Doctor, gift-wrapped. Better. Canned.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Davros' room ]
Davros: It is beautiful, my world, is it not?
The Doctor: How did you get it back?
Davros: The Daleks remade it. Like you, they have a strong concept of home.
The Doctor: No, like you. Everything you are, they are.
Davros: Like both of us, perhaps. How far we have come to go home again.
The Doctor: I'm trying to pep this up, but you've been going a long time. Every Dalek on Skaro isn't enough any more.
Davros: It is so good of you to help me.
The Doctor: I'm not helping you. I'm helping a little boy I abandoned on a battlefield. I think I owe him a sunrise.
The Doctor: Come on, chin up.
( Davros moans softly )
The Doctor: Any minute now...
Davros: I have always admired you, Doctor.
The Doctor: Here it comes.
Davros: I wish, just once, we had been on the same side.
The Doctor: Look, the sun's coming up. We're on the same side now.
Davros: I regret I cannot open my eyes.
( Davros gasps )
The Doctor: OK, don't ever tell anyone that I did this.
The Doctor: A little bit of regeneration energy. Probably cost me an arm or a leg somewhere down the line. Or I'll just be really little.
( Davros chuckles )
The Doctor: Should be enough, just to...
( He screams )
Davros: Hold him firm, Colony Sarff. He is precious to us now.
( He gasps and groans )
The Doctor: What are you doing?
Davros: Regeneration energy. The ancient magic of the Time Lords. I thought I would have to tear you apart to take it from you but, as always, your compassion is your downfall.
The Doctor: No! No! No, please! No!
Davros: You have opened your veins of your own free will, and all Daleks shall drink the blood of Gallifrey. They shall rise stronger than ever.
( He screams )
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Control room ]
Dalek Supreme: Where is Clara Oswald? You will tell us! You will tell us! You will tell us...
( Power drops )
Missy: I'm sorry. Was I, er, was I boring you?
Missy: No. No, no, no, no, Doctor. What have you done?
Clara: What's happening?
Clara in Dalek: What is happening?
Missy: I have to find the Doctor.
Clara: No!
Clara in Dalek: Exterminate!
Clara: No!
Clara in Dalek: Exterminate!
Clara: Please, you can't just leave me here. Please!
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Davros' room ]
Davros: There was a prophecy, Doctor, on your own world.
The Doctor: Please you must, you must stop this. You must stop this!
Davros: It spoke of a hybrid creature. Two great warrior races forced together to create a warrior greater than either. Is that what you ran from, Doctor? Your part in the coming of the hybrid? Half Dalek, half Time Lord?
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Corridor ]
Missy: Give me your gun!
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Davros' room ]
The Doctor: Stop!
( He screams )
( Hissing )
( Hissing stops )
( Power surges )
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Control room ]
Dalek Supreme: We are renewed. We are more powerful. The experiment has succeeded. All praise Davros.
Daleks chant: All praise Davros! All praise Davros!
( Chanting continues )
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Davros' room ]
Missy: Morning.
The Doctor: Where's Clara?
Missy: Oh, hello to you, too.
The Doctor: You're alive, so she is too. Where is she?
Missy: I'm fine, thanks for asking.
Davros: Oh, you are not fine. Thanks to you, Doctor, my creations shall grow to yet greater supremacy, and my own life is prolonged. This is the final defeat of the Time Lords. Have you nothing to say, Doctor?
The Doctor: Three.
Davros: Do you understand what has happened? Hear my children sing.
The Doctor: Two.
Missy: Oh, I know that face.
Davros: All praise Davros, creator and saviour of the Daleks.
The Doctor: One.
( Loud rumbling )
Davros: What is that? What's happening?
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Control room ]
Dalek Supreme: We are under attack. Explain! Explain!
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Davros' room ]
The Doctor: I knew exactly what you were doing, and I let you do it. You transmitted regeneration energy into every Dalek on this planet. Every single one.
Davros: What have you done?
The Doctor: One word. Er, no, two words, actually. First word, moron.
( She sniggers )
The Doctor: Second word, sewers.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Control room ]
Dalek: Emergency! What is happening? Power is fluctuating!
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Davros' room ]
Davros: No. This cannot be correct. How can this be?
The Doctor: Generations of Daleks just woke up very cross, and they are coming up the pipes. Or to put it another way, bye!
Davros: Doctor, you must help me.
Missy: Can I just say, it's been an absolute pleasure to finally meet you?
( He gasps )
Missy: Doctor!
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Control room ]
Dalek: My vision is impaired. I cannot see.
Dalek Supreme: Alert. I cannot control.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Corridor ]
Clara in Dalek: Doctor!
The Doctor: This city is about to be sucked into the ground. Your own sewer is about to consume you. There's no way you can win, there is nothing you can do, so just tell me, where is Clara Oswald?
Clara in Dalek: I am a Dalek.
The Doctor: Yes, you're a Dalek. Where is Clara?
Clara in Dalek: I am a Dalek.
The Doctor: Yes, I know that you're a Dalek. Where is Clara Oswald?
Clara: It's me, I'm right here! It's me, I'm in here! It's Clara!
Clara in Dalek: I am a Dalek! I am a Dalek!
Missy: Doctor, stop! It's you, isn't it? I mean, no offence, you all look alike, but it is it is you?
Clara: Yes, it's me, it's me. I'm right here.
Clara in Dalek: Affirmative.
Missy: Clara's dead, Doctor. This is the one that killed her.
Clara in Dalek: Do not listen to her. I am a Dalek, I am a Dalek.
Missy: I got her out of the city, but this one caught us and shot her down. There was nothing I could do, I'm afraid.
Clara in Dalek: I am a Dalek.
Missy: She ran. She screamed. I'm so glad you didn't have to see that.
Clara in Dalek: I am a Dalek. I am a Dalek.
Missy: This one's a mad one, isn't it? I mean, it's almost like, like it's proud.
Clara in Dalek: I am a Dalek. I am a Dalek. I am a Dalek!
Missy: Kill it, Doctor. They're all going to die anyway. Indulge yourself. Go on, kill the Dalek.
Clara in Dalek: Do not kill me! Do not kill me!
The Doctor: Is Clara dead?
Clara: No! Doctor, no! I'm not dead, I'm in here! Can you hear me?
Clara in Dalek: I am a Dalek. I am alive.
Clara: I'm your friend. I'm your friend!
Clara in Dalek: I am your enemy. Your enemy.
Clara: No, please, don't.
Clara in Dalek: Mercy. Mercy.
The Doctor: You shouldn't be able to say that.
Clara in Dalek: Mercy.
The Doctor: That word shouldn't exist in your vocabulary. How did Davros teach you to say that?
Clara in Dalek: Mercy.
The Doctor: Why aren't you trying to kill me?
Clara in Dalek: Mercy.
Clara: Because I would never kill you. You are the last person I would ever kill.
Clara in Dalek: I show mercy.
The Doctor: I'm putting the gun down. Open your casing.
Clara: How?
Clara in Dalek: How?
The Doctor: Just think the word "open". It'll work.
Missy: Oh, look at that. Now, there's a surprise.
The Doctor: Missy, run.
Clara: Oh, Doctor...
Missy: In a way, this is why I gave her to you in the first place. To make you see. The friend inside the enemy, the enemy inside the friend.
The Doctor: I'm sorry, Clara. I'm so sorry!
Missy: Everyone's a bit of both. Everyone's a hybrid.
The Doctor: I said, run.
Missy: It wasn't me who ran, Doctor. That was always you.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Control room ]
Dalek Supreme: Emergency! Dalek control is compromised.
The Doctor: Where was the TARDIS? It was over there somewhere, wasn't it?
Dalek Supreme: What is happening? Explain! Explain!
The Doctor: Dalek Supreme, your sewers are revolting.
Dalek Supreme: You will assist, or you will be exterminated.
The Doctor: Oh, well, go on, then. Exterminate away.
Clara: Doctor!
The Doctor: Oops, sorry. TARDIS force field is still here. We get in, you don't.
Dalek Supreme: The TARDIS has been destroyed.
The Doctor: Ah, don't be silly, of course it hasn't. It just redistributed itself for a moment. Hostile Action Dispersal System. I'll give it a quick blast from my sonic, and the real time envelope will reassemble right here.
Clara: Doctor, you don't have your screwdriver.
The Doctor: Oh, yeah, I'm over screwdrivers. They spoil the line of your jacket. These days, I'm all about wearable technology.
Clara: No! No? Seriously?
Dalek Supreme: What is happening?
The Doctor: Oh, same old, same old. Just the Doctor and Clara Oswald in the TARDIS.
( Metallic thrumming )
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Corridor ]
Daleks: Humanoid detected. Humanoid detected. Remain still. Do not move. Do not move. You are a Time Lord.
( She gasps )
Missy: You know what? I've just had a very clever idea.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Planet surface ]
( Distant explosions )
( Wind whistles )
Clara: No chance you're going to tell me what's in that confession dial, I suppose?
Clara: Hmm.
The Doctor: It doesn't make sense.
Clara: What doesn't?
The Doctor: When you were in the Dalek, you made it say "mercy". It shouldn't have understood the concept, it shouldn't have been able to say it. How did a tiny piece of mercy get into the DNA of the Daleks?
Clara: Doctor?
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Battlefield ]
Young Davros: Help me! You can't leave me, you promised. You said I had a chance.
( Metallic thrumming )
Young Davros: Who are you? I don't get it. How did you get there?
The Doctor: From the future.
Young Davros: Are you going to save me?
The Doctor: I'm going to save my friend the only way I can. Exterminate!
The Doctor: Come on, I'll take you home.
Young Davros: Which side are you on? Are you the enemy?
The Doctor: I'm not sure that any of that matters, friends, enemies. So long as there's mercy. Always mercy. | Plan: A: Dalek energy; Q: What did Missy use to power her teleporter? A: Missy; Q: Who saves the Doctor? A: Clara; Q: Who is inside the Dalek that Missy disguises? A: two; Q: How many people attempt to find the Doctor? A: the sewers; Q: Where did Missy and Clara go to find the Doctor? A: its case; Q: What did Clara and Missy empty from a Dalek to disguise her? A: compassion; Q: What emotion does the Doctor feel for Davros? A: a little regeneration energy; Q: What does the Doctor use to power Davros' life support? A: every Dalek; Q: Who is Davros' life support connected to? A: a trap; Q: What does the Doctor's regeneration energy turn out to be? A: the Dalek; Q: Who asks for mercy? A: the functional Daleks; Q: What do the dying Daleks want to destroy? A: Clara's Dalek; Q: Who does Missy try to trick the Doctor into killing? A: the TARDIS; Q: What does the Doctor summon using his new sonic sunglasses? A: its automated systems; Q: What did the TARDIS avoid destruction by? A: the battlefield; Q: Where does the Doctor return to after rescuing Davros? A: the mines; Q: What does the Doctor destroy to free Davros? Summary: Using Dalek energy, Missy was able to power her teleporter for her and Clara to escape. The two attempt to find the Doctor, going through the sewers, which are filled with decaying Daleks. They successfully kill a Dalek and empty its case to disguise Clara inside of it. Meanwhile, the Doctor comforts the dying Davros, feeling compassion for him having abandoned him as a boy in the past. The Doctor uses a little regeneration energy to power Davros' life support, which is also connected to every Dalek. This turns out to be a trap, and begins draining the Doctor to regenerate Davros and the Daleks. Missy saves the Doctor, and the energy also restores the dying Daleks, who wish to destroy the functional Daleks. While escaping, the Doctor and Missy encounter Clara's Dalek. Missy tries to trick the Doctor into killing her, but fails after the Dalek asks for mercy. Missy escapes. Using his new sonic sunglasses, the Doctor summons the TARDIS, which also had avoided destruction by its automated systems. The Doctor then returns to the battlefield, where he does not kill Davros, but destroys the mines to free him, and then helps him home. |
ACT ONE
Scene One - Niles' Hospital Room
[SCENE_BREAK]
Niles is in the bed, Daphne is puttering around. Niles holds up a card.
Niles: Oh, this one's from your mom. A kitten in a basket of yarn. [He opens it to read.] "Dear Niles, I know we haven't always gotten along..."
He checks the back of the card for more, but that's it.
Niles: Wasn't that sweet of her? Frasier comes in with Roz. She's holding some flowers.
Frasier: Hey, Niles, look what I found in the parking lot.
Roz: Hi, Niles. It's good to see you. [crossing to Daphne] How's he doing?
Daphne: The doctor says he's doing just great.
Roz: Well, he looks just great. [whispering to Daphne] Why is he so pale?
Niles: [who's heard her, whispering] He's always this pale.
Daphne: I'll take those.
She sets the flowers down amongst all the others.
Frasier: Well, Niles, you've got quite an impressive array of flowers here. Oh, dear lord, who sent mums?
Niles: Those are from Jaime, [pronounced hi-may] our squash valet.
Frasier: Really? You know, when I had the flu, Jaime didn't send me so much as a card.
Niles: You didn't have the flu, you barely had the sniffles.
Frasier: I almost threw up. Who knows, mums might have been just the thing to cheer me up. I guess we'll never know now, will we?
Roz: I'm so sorry you have to go through all this, Niles.
Niles: Oh, I'm pretty used to him by now.
Everyone chuckles.
Roz: No, I meant...
Niles: Oh, right, the... umm... [pointing at his chest] Yes, well, thank you. Who knew all those years of fois gras and brie would finally catch up with me.
Daphne: You know, Frasier, you might want to get yourself checked out. You eat a lot of that stuff too.
Frasier: Yes, but I also drink a lot of red wine. Now, Niles, you'll be happy to know that your prognosis is excellent. I have done some research. I have detailed the procedures and made copies for each of you. Here we are.
He passes out some blue folders.
Frasier: I also took the liberty of checking out your surgeon. A fine choice. True, he did have a few brushes with the law. As an undergrad. And I think you all know how I feel about Tulane's medical school.
Everyone murmurs agreement.
Frasier: But, on the bright side, he has been extensively published and his reputation is stellar. Now, if you'll all please turn to page seventeen in your handouts... you know, where is Dad?
Daphne: He stepped outside for some coffee.
She goes to sit next to Roz.
Frasier: I specifically used layman's terms for his benefit. Oh, all right.
Roz: How's he handling all this?
Niles: He's positively chirpy. In other words, he's terrified.
Frasier: Yes, when we were kids, whenever one of us was sick or hurt, Dad would try to keep us from worrying by pretending the problem didn't even exist.
Niles: Nonchalance was his coping mechanism.
Frasier: [sitting on the edge of the bed] Things always turned out all right, though. It will this time, too.
Roz: [to Daphne] How are you holding up?
Daphne: Well, you know...
Roz: You know what? I think you should think of something really cool to do when all this is over. Like a big trip. That way you can have something good to focus on.
Daphne: I can't think about that right now.
Martin comes in.
Martin: What the hey! Still in bed? It's nine in the morning. Up and at 'em, lazy bones.
A woman walks in.
Ling: Hello, I'm your anesthesiologist, Doctor Ling. How are you feeling today?
Niles: Hello.
Martin: Ah, don't let this faker fool you, he's just tryin' to get out of work.
Ling: If you're feeling at all anxious, I can give you a mild sedative.
Niles: No, thanks.
Frasier: Are you sure, Niles? Dr. Ling went to Duke.
A phone by the bed rings. Daphne answers it.
Daphne: Hello? Can I ask who's calling? Just a minute, please. She covers the mouthpiece and turns to Niles.
Daphne: It's Maris. Do you want me to make up an excuse?
Niles: No, that's okay, I'll talk to her.
She puts the phone on the bed and gives him the handset.
Niles: Hello? Well, yes, how'd you hear? Ah, Jaime is a bit of a gossip. Luckily they discovered the blockage before I had a major event. Well thank you. That wasn't the nurse, that was my wife. Yes, Daphne. Uh, we were married a couple months ago. No, well, ah it's not really my fault you didn't know. Sounds to me like your argument is with Jaime. Well, if it makes you feel any better, we didn't invite anyone.
He puts the handset against his chest.
Niles: Dr. Ling? When she looks up from the chart, he mimes injecting his arm.
Niles: [whispers] Give me the drugs.
She turns to the IV setup and prepares the sedative. Niles puts the phone back to his ear.
Niles: Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Well yes, of course we invited him, he's my brother. Uh, yes, William Sonoma and Tiffany's. [to Dr. Ling] Keep it coming.
As she injects his IV line, Niles goes back to the phone.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Scene Two - Niles' Hospital Room
[SCENE_BREAK]
Daphne and Dr. Ling are at the bedside, the others are sitting down.
Ling: Now in just a few moments, we'll be ready to wheel you down to the OR.
Frasier: He'll receive general anesthesia once he's on the operating table. Now, if you'd like to follow along in your handouts, I could take you through the first steps of the procedure.
Daphne: The doctor explained everything to us yesterday.
Frasier: Yes, but did he have a mnemonic verse that goes along to the tune of "Camp Town Races"?
Another doctor comes in.
Schafer: Hello.
Frasier: [getting up] Ah, Doctor Schafer. I was just explaining my brother's procedure to my family. I'll hand the floor over to you.
Schafer: Thank you...
Frasier: Frasier. Dr. Crane.
Schafer: Oh, great. [to Niles] Once you're under, we'll begin by inserting some tubes to monitor your blood pressure. Then, while one team harvests the saphenous vein from your right leg, I'll be opening up your chest.
Frasier: Excuse me. If I may, wouldn't a mid-cab be less invasive? I have done some research in the matter and I believe that is the prevailing methodology.
Schafer: Well, you may have read about that in Reader's Digest, but a mid-cab is only appropriate for a limited blockage.
Frasier: My source is not Reader's Digest. It is a Harvard colleague. Harvard being my alma mater. HARVARD. And if I'm not mistaken, the blockage is in the left anterior descending artery.
Schafer: And the right coronary. Look, in my expert opinion, I'm doing what's best for this patient.
Frasier: And my expert opinion says otherwise.
Schafer: Well, if you're such an expert, maybe you should perform the surgery.
Frasier: Maybe I should!
Niles: Dad...
Martin: Frasier, you're not operating on your brother.
Frasier: Suit yourself.
Ling: Maybe it would be best if everyone stepped out while Dr. Schafer talks to the patient.
Schafer: Mrs. Crane, you're welcome to stay.
Frasier: Niles, I'll, I'll see you before they wheel you in.
He, Martin and Roz step outside.
Reset to: the hallway as they come out.
Frasier: Well, I'll tell you one thing about that Dr. Schafer's people
skills: I am not a fan.
Martin: Oh, will you leave it alone? You're being a big pain.
Frasier: Yes, well I happen to know a thing or...
He stops as some people pass, then resumes.
Frasier: A thing or two about bypass surgery, he was totally condescending to me.
Martin: He was just trying to let you know who's in charge. I'm sure at the first sign of trouble, he'll run right out here to consult with you.
Frasier nods, satisfied, while Martin trades a look with Roz.
Roz: This is so weird. I mean, twenty-four hours ago, we didn't even know anything was wrong with Niles. It just goes to show, you can't take a second for granted.
Martin: You sure can't. You can't take people for granted, either. You just never know.
Frasier: That's true. That's why you should always tell the people you love just how much they mean to you.
Roz: Well, I hope you guys know how much I care about you.
Martin: Oh, geez, sure we do. And we care about you, too.
Frasier: Of course, Roz, you're like family. And Dad, I hope you know I love you. Even at your most difficult.
Martin: Well I love you too, Son, even when you treat me like a child.
Roz: Frasier bosses everyone around. It's just his way.
Frasier: Well, perhaps if people behaved more competently, I wouldn't be so bossy.
Martin: Maybe you wouldn't be so bossy if you didn't always focus on how everybody else behaves.
Roz: That'd be the day.
Frasier: Yes, well, maybe that's because human behavior is my profession.
Martin: Well, you can take a day off once in a while.
Roz: No kidding.
Frasier: Who asked you, Roz?
Daphne comes out.
Daphne: Niles is going off to surgery soon. Come and wish him well.
Frasier: You know, we really should tell her how much she means to us, too.
They head back in.
Reset to: the hospital room. Daphne is sitting down on the bed. The others pause in the doorway.
Daphne: How you feeling?
Niles: I'm a little woozy. Maybe I should lie down. Oh, now Daphne, you know all the important papers are in my top left hand drawer...
Daphne: Let's not talk about that right now. You just relax.
Niles: Okay, Daphne. You know, Daphne, they do these procedures hundreds of times.
Daphne: I know.
Niles: Okay. It's practically routine, Daphne.
Daphne: Why do you keep saying my name?
Niles: I just want to say it as many times as I can... Daphne.
The others come in.
Martin: What? Still in bed? Will you look at this goldbrick? Well, if you're gonna be loafin' around all day, you might as well have somethin' to read. I know how you love your Archies.
He shows Niles a comic book.
Niles: Thanks, Dad. Oh, a Jughead Double Digest. Martin sets it down on the side table.
Martin: I'll be here waiting for you. I love you, Son.
Niles: I love you, too.
Martin moves aside and Frasier steps up.
Niles: Frasier, I have a confession to make. Remember when we were kids and I was wearing your opera cape and you pushed me down the stairs?
Frasier: Yes.
Niles: You didn't push me. I jumped. I was trying to fly like a Valkyrie.
Frasier: It's not important right now. It's important you get well, all right?
A nurse and an orderly come in with a gurney.
Orderly: Dr. Crane? Mrs. Crane? It's that time. Okay, we're gonna need you to slide over.
Niles: Boy, a hospital is an interesting place, isn't it?
Frasier: How so, Niles?
Niles moves over onto the gurney.
Niles: Oh, all roads lead to the hospital. We're born here, we get sick here, we get well here. All these big dramatic moments and the hospital just gobbles 'em up. Do you think a hospital has memories? I bet it does. I bet when I walked in it thought "Oh, you again. You're the little boy who broke his leg in 1966. Hello, old friend." Wow, a talking hospital. That would be cool. When are these drugs going to kick in? I don't even know why I need surgery. This is the best I've felt in years.
He sits up. The orderly pushes him down, saying "Easy."
Niles: Daphne, Daphne, Daphne, Daphne, Daphne, Daphne...
Orderly: Okay, you ready to take a little trip?
Frasier: I think he already is.
Daphne: Can I just have a second?
Orderly: Of course.
Daphne: I'll be here when you wake up.
Niles: Promise?
Daphne: I promise.
She kisses him and they wheel the gurney out the door.
Reset to: a shot looking down at Niles as he's rolled downed the hallway. The shot then goes to point of view from behind the orderly as they pass the rooms in the hallway.
He passes a room and we see a young Niles, his foot in a cast and raised. A young Frasier and a young Martin (with a mustache) stand by his bed.
Martin: What do you mean, you don't like Archie? It's a riot. You got your Jughead, your Reggie, your Mr. Weatherby...
The shot pulls over to a room on the other side where we see an Adult Niles sitting at the bedside of a woman whose face is covered by bandages.
Niles: Please stop crying, Maris. The doctor can always cut off more next time.
The shot pans over to another door. A doctor hands the orderly a clipboard and he signs. Through the doorway we see Daphne leaning over Niles.
Daphne: I'll be here when you wake up.
Niles: Promise?
Daphne: Promise.
The orderly pushes the gurney through a set of doors to the operating areas.
[SCENE_BREAK]
END OF ACT ONE
[SCENE_BREAK]
ACT TWO
THE WAITING IS THE HARDEST PART
Scene One - The Waiting Room
[SCENE_BREAK]
Roz and Daphne are sitting down, Martin and Frasier are standing at a magazine rack.
Martin: [thumbing through a magazine] How come these places never have any magazines for men? It's all hairdos and recipes and butt exercises.
Frasier: I was just thinking about what Niles said about the hospital and the things that happen here.
Martin: Oh, geez, would you look at this: "Ten Saucy Secrets to Please Him in Bed." You know damn well there are only four. The rest are just do-si-dos.
Frasier: It's like the whole tapestry of life keeps replaying itself in these four walls.
Martin: [still reading] I used to bust people for that one.
Frasier: You didn't hear a word I said, did you?
Martin: Yeah, I did. Hospital, tapestry of life... [covering] Whoa! Nice kitchen.
He walks off.
Frasier: You're a sentimental fool, Dad.
He follows. As he passes the door, we see Martin holding a toddler Frasier up to a hospital basinet. In front of them, Hester, face hidden by the doorjamb, is sitting up in bed.
Martin: Well, here he is. Frasier, say hello to your new brother.
Frasier: I don't like him.
CUT TO: everyone sitting down. Martin laughs.
Martin: Remember when you were little and you convinced Niles that we were all figments of his imagination and the whole world was just in is mind?
Frasier: I told him we disappeared whenever he left the room.
Martin: Yeah, for months afterwards he was always darting into rooms to make sure we were still there. Scared the crap out of me, I was ready to kill you.
Frasier: What made you think of that?
Martin: I don't know, I'm just thinking about Niles.
Frasier: Well he must be all right, we're all still here.
They laugh nervously.
Daphne: I don't think I've ever been this frightened in my whole life.
Frasier: [grabbing his folder] Well, Daph, according to my timetable, Niles is probably off the bypass pump by now, all the blockages have been bypassed, and the myocardium is now receiving normal blood.
Martin: How can you know all this but you're stumped by an electric barbecue fork?
Frasier: Because the human heart was not designed by some idiot in Japan.
Roz: You know, Frasier, maybe now is not the perfect time to go into detail.
Daphne: It's all right, Roz.
Frasier: You see, she knows. Knowledge is our ally against anxiety. Which happens to be the theme of today's "Best of Crane" which is being broadcast over the airwaves right this moment.
Roz: Oh yeah, they're piping it into the operating room instead of using anesthesia.
Frasier: Very funny, Roz.
Roz: Oh, I hope the doctors have their earplugs in so they don't fall asleep too.
Frasier: All right, we get it.
Roz: Seriously, if I was ever gonna rob a bank and wanted to knock out the guards...
Frasier: All right, Roz.
They all laugh for a moment, then quiet to their thoughts again. Martin looks over at the vending machine.
Martin: Hey, is that a Chunky in there?
Frasier: Looks like one.
Martin: Been a long time since I've seen one of those. What are they asking for it?
Frasier: Looks like it's eighty-five cents.
Martin: Oh. Does it only take the exact change?
Frasier: Looks like there's a dollar slot.
Martin checks his wallet.
Martin: Oh, all I have is a ten. Will it take a ten?
Frasier: Why don't you get off your ass and look?
Roz: They usually just take singles.
Martin: Oh. Anybody have a single?
They all check.
Frasier: How can you think about eating now?
Martin: What would you rather have me think about?
Roz gets up.
Roz: I'll get you some change.
Martin: Oh, thanks, Roz.
He hands her the ten.
Roz: Sittin' way too long, anyway. Roz walks over to the nurse's station.
Roz: Excuse me... [reading her name tag] Colleen? Do you have any ones?
Colleen: I think so, let me check.
She gets her purse.
Roz: Thanks.
A flashback of Roz and Colleen comes up behind them, Roz rushing in with Alice in her arms.
Roz: Excuse me.
Colleen: Can I help you?
Roz: Yes. There's something wrong with my baby. She has a little rash on her cheek. I looked in the book, and I don't think it's chicken pox. But it does look a little like scarlet fever.
Colleen: Is this your first child?
Roz: Yes, why?
Colleen: I think this is lipstick.
In the foreground, the present day Colleen looks up from her purse.
Colleen: Will fives do?
Roz: No, I'm afraid I need ones.
In the background, the past Roz sighs in relief.
Roz: Oh, thank God. She kisses Alice.
Roz: Oh, look at that. That's probably how it happened. Thank you... [reading her name tag] Colleen. I won't forget you.
She leaves. In the present Colleen looks up again.
Colleen: I'm sorry. All I've got are fives.
Roz: Oh, thanks anyway.
Colleen: Do I know you?
Roz: I don't think so.
Colleen: Are you sure?
Roz: Trust me. I'm really good with faces.
She walks off. In the waiting area, a surgical nurse comes up in scrubs.
Nurse: Mrs. Crane?
Daphne: Yes.
Nurse: Your husband's doing well. He's off the pump and his heart is beating on its own.
Frasier: [rising] How's his blood pressure?
Nurse: One hundred over sixty.
Frasier: Could be better. Did you thoroughly suction the cardioplegic solution? See, I'm a doctor.
Nurse: Oh, yes, Dr. Schafer told me about you. He said if you started asking me questions, I should do this.
She turns and leaves.
Frasier: Oh, I get it! Very nice!
Roz: Well, that's good news, right?
Everyone murmurs agreement. Roz hands Martin his ten back.
Roz: They didn't have any change.
Martin: Oh, shoot.
They all sit down and wait quietly and uncomfortably for a few moments.
Martin: What ya reading, Daph?
Daphne: I have no idea. I must have read the same paragraph ten times. I don't know how you're getting through this.
Martin: Well, it's not like the old days when heart surgery was a big thing. Nowadays they do it so much it's like goin' in for a hair cut. Read the paper and wait 'til he's done.
Daphne: But aren't you scared?
Martin looks nervous.
Martin: I wonder if that guy has a dollar. [rising] I bet he does. Excuse me.
He goes off. After a moment Daphne puts her magazine down and grabs at her purse.
Daphne: Oh, no!
Frasier: What, Daph?
Daphne: [rising] I don't believe this. Excuse me.
Frasier: What?
She hurries over to the pay phone.
Daphne: I was supposed to bring Niles' cell phone, in case any of his patients call so I can refer them to Doctor Wells. Now I'm going to be calling his stupid cell phone every two minutes to check his mailbox.
Frasier: Well, here, let's use my cell phone, all right? We can take turns calling.
He leads her back to the couch.
Daphne: He asked me to do this one simple thing and I forgot. I'm such an idiot.
Frasier: Now don't go beating yourself up. You didn't do anything wrong. Come on, I'll dial first.
He starts to call. Behind them, through the door of a room, we see a young Niles with a broken leg, Frasier talking to him.
Frasier: Now look, Niles, as far as Dad knows, I had nothing to do with your leg breaking, right?
Niles: You pushed me.
Frasier: Yes, and in exchange for your silence, you'll get ten of my records. Any ones you want.
Niles: Even the Shostakovich?
Frasier: Not that one!
Niles: Then forget it.
Frasier: Okay, fine.
He hands over a pen and paper.
Frasier: Sign here and initial here. Martin comes in.
Martin: You still in bed, Mr. Lazybones? Well, if you're going to lie around all day, I've got you something to read.
Niles: The Charterhouse of Parma?
Martin: Better: Archie!
He hands the comic over to an unimpressed Niles. Outside, we see the current Frasier getting a drink from the water fountain as Martin comes by.
Martin: Well, hello Chunky! Frasier is unsure if this is directed at him.
Frasier: I beg your pardon?
Martin: I got some change.
Frasier: Congratulations.
Martin puts the coins into the vending machine. He's about to press the buttons when he notices something.
Martin: Hey, is that a Marathon Bar? Oh, geez, now I don't know what to get.
Frasier: You should go with your first instinct, Dad.
Martin: But I haven't had a Marathon Bar in years.
Frasier: All right, then get a Marathon Bar.
Martin: Come to think of it, I think they quit making Marathon Bars back in the '80s.
Frasier: Then you should get a Chunky.
Martin: Uh, although, I kinda want to get a Marathon Bar just to see what it looks like on the inside.
Frasier loses his patience and pushes Martin aside.
Frasier: All right, just get the Chunky!
Martin: All right.
Frasier presses the buttons.
Martin: Hey!
Frasier: What?
Martin: It's stuck! Great! You had to have Chunky!
Frasier: Oh, all right, I'll get it.
He pushes his hand into the machine and tries to reach the candy bar.
Roz: What is going on?!
Martin: We have a stuck Chunky.
Daphne gets up.
Roz: Well, why did Chunky stick his arm in there?
Frasier: Not me, the candy! I give up.
He gets to his feet.
Roz: Don't worry Martin. I'll stop by tomorrow and get us some Godiva.
Martin: But I want my Chunky!
Daphne comes over, holding a fire extinguisher.
Daphne: Excuse me.
Frasier moves aside and Daphne smashes in the glass front of the vending machine. Colleen at the nurse's station grabs the phone. Daphne reaches into the machine and pulls out a candy bar.
Daphne: Chunky, was it?
She hands it to a stunned Martin and walks back to the couch, bursting into tears. Roz rushes to embrace her.
Roz: Oh, Daphne, it's okay, it's okay. Everything's gonna be fine. An orderly walks up.
Orderly: Do I need to call security here?
Frasier: Uh, no, it's all right. I'm sorry about this, kind of a tough time.
Orderly: All right, but keep this area clear until I can get it cleaned up.
Frasier: Right. And we'll pay for this.
Martin: [holding up the Chunky] And I already paid for this.
The orderly walks off. Frasier and Martin go over to the ladies.
Frasier: Daphne, I know you're in hell right now, but in just about twenty minutes comes the disconnecting of the ventilator and the extubation. You can see it all in the diagram on page
24-C...
Daphne: He's not a diagram! He's my husband and he's lying on an operating table with his chest cut open! I'm sorry if I can't handle this as well as the rest of you, but I'm terrified!
Roz: Daphne, it's okay. Just calm down. You know when this is all over we're...
Daphne: There IS no "when this is over"! There's no tomorrow, no next week, no next year! There's nothing until he comes out of there and I know he's okay!
She rushes away from them.
Frasier: Daphne... Martin puts a hand up.
Martin: Why don't you sit down, Son? Frasier and Roz sit down as Martin goes over to Daphne.
Martin: Nobody meant anything. It's hard as hell for all of us to be here.
Daphne: I know. It's just... I hate hospitals. I hate them. I hate all of this.
Martin: I know.
We pan across to a doorway where we see a doctor talking to Martin.
Doctor: I'm afraid your wife's x-rays don't look good.
We pull back to the present as Daphne and Martin sit back down with the others.
Roz: Waiting is the hardest part.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Scene Two - The Recovery Room
[SCENE_BREAK]
Niles is in bed, unconscious. A nurse is checking his vitals. Daphne leans over him.
Daphne: Niles? You did great. The doctor said it went even better than he expected. I am so proud of you.
Nurse: He'll be out all night. Why don't you get something to eat?
Daphne: I'll be here when you wake up.
She kisses him on the forehead and leaves.
Reset to: the hallway as she comes out. She closes the door and walks down the hallway. She takes some tissue from her purse and wipes her eyes. As she passes an open doorway, we see her in a hospital bed, holding a baby. Niles is standing over her, holding another child.
Niles: Say hello to your new sister.
Daphne: Look, she's smiling at you.
The shot turns to see Daphne walking away.
[SCENE_BREAK]
END OF ACT TWO
[SCENE_BREAK]
Niles is in bed, reading the Jughead comic. He's laughing, but becomes less enthused as he continues. A nurse comes in to see what he wants. He motions to the equipment and she turns up the drugs. Niles soon finds the comic entertaining again. | Plan: A: hospital; Q: Where is Niles being taken to? A: heart surgery; Q: What is Niles about to undergo? A: Daphne; Q: Who is terrified of the surgery? A: Frasier; Q: Who irritates the surgeon by asking questions about the operation? A: Martin; Q: Who pretends that Niles is not having a problem? A: work; Q: What does Martin think Niles is avoiding? A: the medical procedure; Q: What has Frasier researched thoroughly? A: Harvard; Q: Where did Frasier get his information about the surgery? A: a hospital; Q: What does Niles wonder if it has memories? A: several points; Q: How many times are scenes from the past played out while the others wait for the operation to finish? A: different parts; Q: Where are the scenes from the past played out in the hospital? A: baby Alice; Q: What was the name of the baby that Roz brought in for a check-up? A: his wife's health; Q: What bad news did Martin receive in the hospital? A: a relieved Daphne; Q: Who is leaving the hospital after Niles' surgery? A: the future; Q: What time period does the hospital show us a scene from when Daphne and Niles welcome a second child? Summary: Niles has been taken to hospital, and is about to undergo heart surgery . Daphne, Frasier, Martin and Roz have all come to see him, and each is coping differently: Martin jovially pretends there is no problem, and that Niles is just avoiding work; Frasier has researched the medical procedure thoroughly, and keeps offering to talk everyone through it; Daphne is just terrified, and Roz does her best to look after her. Frasier irritates the surgeon by asking questions about the operation, and by suggesting that he knows a better way of doing it, just because his source is a colleague from Harvard . Niles, on his way to the operating room, speculates over whether a hospital has memories. Then, at several points while the others wait for the operation to finish, little scenes from their past are played out around them in different parts of the hospital, including when Niles was born, when Roz brought baby Alice in for a check-up, and when Martin received bad news about his wife's health. Once Niles' surgery is over and a relieved Daphne is leaving the hospital, the hospital shows us a hopeful scene from the future in which she and Niles welcome a second child. |
Provided by TVTDB.com
(Seattle scenes)
(Richard sits at his desk)
MVO: In the practice of medicine, change is inevitable. New surgical techniques are created, procedures are updated, levels of expertise increase.
(George enters the locker room with the new interns)
MVO: Innovation is everything. Nothing remains the same for long. We either adapt to change...or we get left behind.
(Cristina's interns walk up to her)
Cristina: I have five rules. Memorize them. Rule number one, don't bother sucking up, I already hate you. That's not gonna change.
(Izzie is with her interns at a nurse's station)
Izzie: Trauma protocols, phone lists, pagers. The nurses will page you. You answer every page at a run...a run. That's rule number two. You're supposed to follow me.
(Alex is walking through the hall with his interns)
Alex: Your first shift starts now and lasts 36 hours. You're grunts, nobodies, the bottom of the surgical food chain. You run labs, you write orders, you work every second night until you drop, and you don't complain.
(Meredith is showing her interns the on-call rooms)
Meredith: On call rooms. Sleep when you can, where you can. You know, but not with anybody. Not attendings...especially not attendings. Sleeping with attendings...not a good idea. Where was I?
George: Um, rule number three. If you're sleeping, do not wake you unless a patient's actually dying.
(Cristina is showing her interns the on-call rooms)
Cristina: The dying patient better not be dead when I get there, because not only will you have killed someone, you will have woken me for no good reason. Are we clear? (Lexie raises her hand) Yes?
Lexie: That was four rules. You said five.
Cristina: Rule number five...when I move, you move. (They all stand there) Go!
(Alex, Izzie, Cristina and Meredith are in the deserted hallway hangout)
Cristina: I hate them.
Meredith: You don't hate them. You hate you.
Izzie: That was hideous. I feel like a fraud.
Alex: I rocked it. I think I'm the new nazi.
Cristina: Oh, you are not the new nazi.
(George enters)
George: Meredith, I need to talk to you.
Izzie: George. Hi.
George: Hey.
Izzie: How was your vacation?
George: Um, fine. Um, Meredith, can we...
Izzie: Cause mine was... I didn't do much. I hung out alone...for 17 days. Which is the last time that I saw you, the day of Cristina's wedding, which was...well...then Mer and Cristina went on Cristina's honeymoon without me.
Alex: Girl-on-girl honeymoon.
Izzie: And then Alex took a road trip to see Ava without me.
Alex: I did not go to see Ava. And her name's Rebecca. And I didn't go see her. I just drove in that direction.
Cristina: Oh, why is everyone so tingly and hurt? I mean, I'm the one who was left at the altar. I'm fine, by the way. I honeymooned in Hawaii and I snorkeled.
Izzie: What'd you do, George?
George: Um, Meredith...I...I really need to talk to you.
(Interns enter the hallway)
Cristina: Uh, hey, you want to know...hey, um, this is for residents only. No interns.
Meredith: Yeah.
Izzie: Yeah, get outta here.
Alex: Babies.
Izzie: Yeah, go away.
Alex: 007's in training.
Cristina: Seriously.
George: I guess I should be going, too.
Meredith: No, george.We didn't mean you.
George: No, I'm an intern.
Meredith: Wait. What did you want to tell me?
Cristina: Uh, is this how it's gonna be all year? Because Bambi has got to learn how to cope.
Izzie: At least he came back.
Meredith: Yeah, cut him some slack.
Alex: Dude, he failed his exam and got left back in kindergarten.
Cristina: Mm-hmm.
Izzie: He won't even look at me.
Meredith: Have you seen Burke?
Cristina: No. Have you seen Derek?
Meredith: No.
Izzie: Wait, you haven't seen either of them since the wedding?
Cristina: Nope.
Izzie: And you're all fine?
Meredith: Yep
Izzie: Wow...You're either incredibly healthy or completely messed up.
(Bailey walks up the desk where Derek is standing)
Derek: Your interns are back from holiday today.
Bailey: Uh, not my interns. They're residents. I'm free.
Derek: Right. Well...here,nurse. The point is, uh, Dr. Yang. The Burke thing...she doesn't know. I'm supposed to tell her. Burke asked me to tell her. Any thoughts?
Bailey: Honesty always works best.
Derek: Yeah, that's true. You want to get together for a drink after work tonight?
Bailey: Why?
Derek: Well, I don't know. I just thought it might be a good idea to get together and have
Bailey: Oh, you don't have anybody to talk to.
Derek: No, I have people to talk to.
Bailey: Addison is gone, Burke isn't around, and you and Grey aren't smelling each other in the elevators anymore.
Derek: I have people to talk to.
Bailey: Who?
Derek: I have...chief. I...I have the chief to talk to. Hey, chief. Want to get together for a drink after work?
Richard: I don't drink. Dr. Bailey, we need to talk.
Bailey: We have traumas coming in.
Richard: You're avoiding me. We need to talk.
Bailey: About you choosing Dr. Torres to be your chief resident over me? Respectfully, no, sir. We're not going to talk about that.
(Mark walks up)
Mark: Someone mention a drink later? Cause I'm in.
Derek: Nobody mentioned a drink.
Richard: You mentioned a drink.
Derek: I did not mention a drink.
(Richard enters the ER)
Richard: All right, people. We've got three MVC'S rolling in back-to-back from a multi car pileup. We need every trauma room open and everyone suited up.
Callie: Is there anything I...I should do, sir?
Richard: Save lives.
Callie: No. I mean as, uh, chief resident. Anything in particular?
Richard: Make sure your residents run their traumas. This is their first day on their own. Where...are the residents you've assigned to this ER?
Callie: Oh. Oh, I, uh, I, uh, I paged them. I...I paged them. Bailey?
Bailey: What?
Callie: Uh, I, uh, paged, uh, Grey, Yang, Stevens and Karev, but they're not here yet.
Bailey: When I page 'em, they come running.
Richard: Get it together, Torres.
Callie: Yes, sir.
(Richard walks away)
Bailey: Okay, you did not have to say that in front of the chief.
Bailey: You asked...boss.
(The interns are in the hall outside the ER)
Meredith: There's Derek.
Cristina: Is Burke with him?
Meredith: I don't see him.
(They enter the ER)
Callie: Where have you been? We have multiple MVC'S due any second.
Alex: We're here, aren't we? We're here.
Callie: Just...just get ready, okay? And monitor your interns.
(Cristina points to her interns)
Cristina: Okay, one, two, go get stat packs. Uh, three, four, go meet the ambulances.
Meredith: "One and two"?
Cristina: No, I can't remember their names.
(George raises his hand)
George: I don't respond to being called a number.
Meredith: George, go wait for the ambulance. The rest of you come with me.
(Alex talks to his interns)
Alex: All right, you guys stand against the wall and out of the way unless I call for you.
(Izzie talks to her interns)
Izzie: Okay, this is what's called a trauma situation. So there's gonna be lots of activity and a lot of patients, so if you guys have any questions at all, just ask, okay?
(Izzie walks away but overhears her interns)
Male Intern: I heard she, like, freaked out and killed a guy and had to go on probation.
Female Intern: Great. We're stuck with a dud.
(Lexie and George are in the ambulance bay)
Lexie: So, hey, you're an intern...again.
George: Yeah.
Lexie: I won't tell anybody. The other interns, I won't...
George: That's...that's okay.
Lexie: Do you know which one is Meredith Grey?
George: Yeah, I haven't, uh, told her you're here yet. I was going to...
Lexie: So you know who I am?
George: Yeah, I know who you are.
Lexie: What's she like? I...I mean, is she nice? 'Cause...cause my dad, he won't...he won't tell me. Is she...she...
(The other residents enter the bay including Bailey)
Bailey: Uh, Grey, don't let them just stand here.
Meredith: Let's move, people.
(The ambulance arrives)
Ambulance Driver: Unrestrained driver, DOA at the scene. Just need someone to pronounce him.
Cristina: Oh,crap. Dead guy. Why'd you get me all excited with the sirens? Okay, who wants to see a dead guy?
(Other ambulance)
Ambulance Driver 2: Nancy Walters, 34 years old, weeks pregnant. Complete upper arm amputation. Pressure dressings applied. Two large bore IVs started.
Nancy: Did he say "arm"? My arm is gone?
Bailey: Miss Walters, you're gonna be okay. Grey, check the wound.
Nancy: I really need my arm.
(Another ambulance)
Ambulance Driver 2: 45-year-old male, sustained a knee injury.
Joey: That guy, the guy that's dead, he hit a deer, and then the lady hit him, and then I hit the lady.
Callie: Knee is blowing up like a balloon.
Joey: Hey, I'm hungry. Can I get something to eat?
Cristina: Okay, everybody get a good look? Time of death...8:22.
(The man breathes)
Cristina: Not time of death. This guy is not dead.
Ambulance Driver: He was dead.
Cristina: Well, he's not dead now. Let's bag him. Okay,we've got a...we've got a guy who's risen from the dead over here.
Meredith: Get outta the way!
Lexie: Are...are you Meredith Grey?
Meredith: Yeah.
Lexie: I...I'm Lexie.
Meredith: Great. Move.
Lexie: Lexie Grey. I'm...I'm your sister.
(Nancy's trauma room)
Meredith: That girl out there, the dopey, wide-eyed one? Apparently we're related.
George: Oh, you...you met Lexie?
Meredith: Oh, you knew. Knew about it and didn't tell me, huh?
George: I've...kind of had a lot going on.
(Izzie and her interns enter)
Izzie: This is trauma room one. As you can see, it's...there's a trauma. Hey, guys, do you need some help? Please tell me you need some help.
Meredith: It's a little crowded in here already, Iz.
(Mark enters)
Mark: What do you got for me?
Meredith: Uh, Nancy Walters. Complete amputation.
George: The baby looks fine, but she's having some contractions.
Mark: Hi, Nancy. I'm Dr. Sloan. You mind if I take a look?
Izzie: It's a clean cut.
Mark: You want to rub up against me, you gotta buy me a drink first. Hang antibiotics and put on a sterile, moist dressing. There's a chance at a good recovery here. Do we have an arm?
Meredith: They're looking for it
Nancy: My baby has no father. He's already down two arms. So he really needs me to have an arm.
Mark: Get me that arm.
(Callie's trauma room)
Callie: Okay, somebody set up for a traumatic effusion drainage.
Joey: Ah...
Callie: And order him 4 of morphine.
Alex: She means one of you morons. Get her an 18 gauge needle and a 20 cc syringe and the damn morphine.
Joey: Hey, uh, morphine's cool, but I'd kill for something to eat.
Callie: A healthy appetite after a trauma like this? That's a very good sign, Joey.
Alex: You think he'll need surgery?
Callie: That depends on the x-rays. Knee looks good. No surgery.
(While Alex and Callie are looking at the x-rays, Joey starts eating cotton balls)
(Cristina's trauma room)
Izze: Okay. This is Cristina...Dr. Yang. She's working.
Cristina: Yep, saving lives and taking names.
Izzie: So...I have these interns and nothing to do. And, uh, I think I'm a really bad teacher. And I think they hate me. And now I'm a fraud. So any chance you wanna let me in on this? Please.
Cristina: Izzie, this guy was dead, and now he's undead. So that kinda makes him like a zombie my personal zombie. So no, you can't get in on this. Now go be A...fraud somewhere else.
Izzie: I don't like you.
Cristina: Mm-hmm.
Izzie: Let's go, people.
(Lexie enters)
Lexie: Excuse me.
Cristina: You know, where have you been? I've been waiting for these.
Lexie: I got...I was...I met my sister, uh, for the first time ever...
Cristina: Oh, hey.
Lexie: Which, uh, got me, you know, weird. So then I got, um, lost on my way to x-ray 'cause I was all in my head, you know, about...about meeting Meredith.
Cristina: Meredith is your...is your sister?
Lexie: Meredith Grey. Lexie Grey. We're half sisters. So you know her?
Cristina: Oh, we need to page Dr. Shepherd.
Lexie: Dr.Shepherd. He...he's the, um...neurosurgeon?
Cristina: Okay, somebody page Derek shepherd right freakin' now.
(Derek walks up to where Meredith is on the phone)
Meredith: Grey. Thank you. Seattle grace. Thank you.
Derek: Hi. How are you?
Meredith: I have a patient with a severed arm and no one seems to be able to find it. Have you seen it?
Derek: Your severed arm? No, I haven't seen a severed arm.
(Lexie walks up)
Lexie: Meredith, how...hey, um, I'm...I'm so sorry about before. I just was so nervous about meeting you. Don't block the ER doors. I know that now. That was a good lesson.
Derek: You're the girl from the bar.
Lexie: Sorry?
Derek: The girl from the bar?
Lexie: Oh, my god. Yeah. Oh, my god. Yeah.
Derek: Yeah.
Lexie: Oh, my god. You...you work here.
Derek: Yeah, I do.
Meredith: Girl from the bar?
Derek: Mm-hmm.
Meredith: I'm the girl from the bar.
(Meredith storms away)
Lexie: Uh...she hates me. My sister hates me.
Derek: Meredith is your sister?
Lexie: My half sister, yeah. Hey, uh, you're Dr. Shepherd.
Derek: That's right.
Lexie: I'm...I'm supposed to be finding you for a consult.
(Callie and George are in the x-ray room)
Callie: Hey. There you are. I missed you this morning.
George: Yeah, I didn't want to be late for my second first day as an intern.
Callie: Maybe you can look at it like this...you have one up on everyone. You're gonna be, like, the rock star intern.
George: Yeah, I'm sure that's how everyone's gonna see me when they find out. Or maybe they'll see you as the daddy intern.
George: What? What...what did you just say?
Callie: Oh...I'm not...I'm not pregnant. I just...I mean, I might be pregnant. Yeah, my boobs are a little sore, which...Hey, I'm trying to cheer you up here, George. This is...I mean, if I am knocked up, that's a good thing, right?
George: Callie, I'm just a little distracted. I'm having a bad day.
Callie: Okay, you're having a bad month.
George: Okay, I'm having a bad month.
Callie: Love you.
(Michael and Chris enter the ER)
Michael: Help! We need doctors. Help!
Chris: Inside voice. Uh, we found an arm in the road.
Meredith: Here, I bagged that...that's my arm.
Michael: Dad, dad, tell them she's hurt! Dad, come on. Tell the doctor! Tell 'em she's hurt.
Male Intern: Uh, any way we can go with the severed arm?
Michael: She's in the truck, and she's hurt.
Izzie: Is that your blood? Are you hurt?
Michael: She's in our truck, and she's not moving. She's bleeding really bad.
Izzie: There's another crash victim. We're gonna need gloves, IVs, gauze, ab pads, trauma gowns. Still want to baby-sit the arm?
Michael: Come on
Chris: Michael!
(They get to the truck to find a deer inside)
Female Intern: No way.
Michael: Is she dead?
Izzie: Michael, this is a hospital, and I'm a people doctor. I...
Michael: Can you save her?
Chris: Michael, come on.
Izzie: I'm sorry, but she's...
Female Intern: Roadkill.
Michael: She opened her eyes. Look. She's still alive!
Izzie: Oh, god. Don't look at me like that. Or like that.
Chris: Michael, let's go back to the truck Come on..
Michael: Please.
Izzie: Oh, okay, all right. All right. Uh, I'm gonna need a jumbo catheter, a 16 gauge needle, the biggest ambu bag you can find and something that shaves fur. What's the matter with you people? When I say move, you move. Move!
(Derek and Cristina are in the trauma room viewing room)
Derek: Back of his skull is completely disconnected from his first cervical vertebrae.
Cristina: He's been internally decapitated. Holy crap.
Derek: Yeah, 90% of these die in the field.
Lexie: And the other 10%?
Derek: I've never seen one live.
Lexie: There's always a first time, though, right? I mean, he came back from the dead.
Derek: Henry, I'm Dr. Shepherd. The back of your skull is disconnected from your spine. I'm gonna try and reconnect it in surgery. Do you understand me? Blink once for yes, twice for no.
(He blinks twice)
Derek: Okay, good. I know it's scary, but I promise you, I'm gonna do everything I can. Do you have family? All right. We're gonna contact them, okay? All right, let's get him in a halo.
Cristina: Uh-huh.
Derek: Contact his family. Find out if he's an organ donor.
(Alex is in Joey's room with his interns)
Alex: You, finish up with the splint, then get him up on crutches.
(Callie enters)
Callie: Hey. How's Joey?
Alex: It's a hungry hippo missing a kneecap. Can't you assign me something good?
Callie: I don't switch out patients, Karev.
Alex: But it's not even surgical. It's a waste of my skills.
Callie: You're staying here with Joey.
Alex: Come on.
Callie: No!
Alex: Fine. I'm going to Bailey
Callie: You are a resident. You go where I say.
(Meredith is in Kathy's room)
Kathy: My arm is gone.
Meredith: We have the arm, and Dr. Sloan is checking right now to see if we can reattach it. Is there someone we can call?
Kathy: There's no...no, I just...I just moved here. I'm all...I'm all by myself. There's no one. I have no one.
Meredith: Well, Dr. Sloan should be here any minute.
Kathy: I wanted a kid and...I was sick of waiting for the right guy, so...in my family...in my family, you don't go out and get pregnant. So now I'm alone and...I'm having a baby, and I don't have a father for the baby, and I don't have an arm.
Meredith: It's okay. Here's Dr. Sloan.
(Mark enters)
Mark: Nancy...I'm happy to report that your arm is in good shape. Dr. Grey here is gonna clean it up a little, and...and I'm gonna put that arm back where it belongs, okay?
Kathy: Okay.
Mark: Okay.
(Izzie is in the truck working on the deer)
Izzie: We got a 150-pound female with...lacerations on the chest and haunches, short, fast breaths. Any recommendations?
Chris: Uh, doctor, Michael's a big boy. He doesn't need you to perform make-believe medicine, right, Michael?
Michael: It's not make-believe. She can help.
Chris: Michael, enough. I apologize. We're just wasting your time.
Female Intern: No kidding.
Chris: Michael.
Michael: Please don't let her die.
Chris: Michael, it is a deer. We're gonna take her home and skin her and freeze the meat, okay?
Michael: What? Why?!
Chris: Because that's what you do. You don't try and save 'em. You eat 'em.
Michael: No, dad. The doctor can save her.
Chris: No, she can't.
Izzie: You don't know that.
Chris: My son needs to learn to grow up and face things.
Izzie: You're right. I am not helping him. I'm helping Bambi. So get me the ambu bag and the saline. I'm starting an IV.
Michael: Thank you.
(Meredith is cleaning up Kathy's arm when Cristina enters)
Cristina: Still no sign of Burke. Oh, you've got a severed arm.
Meredith: My arm. Mine. Get away from it.
Cristina: Maybe he's not on today.
Meredith: Maybe you should just see him and get it over with.
Cristina: No, no, no, no. If I never see him again, I won't care.
Meredith: Well, I've seen Derek, and Derek has seen me.
Cristina: And?
Meredith: Awkward. Plus he seems to know Lexie.
Cristina: And?
Meredith: More awkward. Your intern is my half sister. How weird is that?
(Izzie enters)
Izzie: Well, I'm trying to save Bambi's life. My interns think I'm a loser. Severed arm.
(Alex enters)
Alex: Callie's a bitch.
Izzie: Word.
Alex: She won't let me off my patient, and there's nothing wrong with him except he's a nut job. Severed arm.
Izzie: Does anybody know anything about deer?
Alex: They taste good.
Izzie: Evil.
(George opens the door but remains in the hall)
Cristina: Oh, George, severed arm. Plus Mer's half sister is my intern, Izzie is playing Dr. Dolittle, oh, and Alex hates your wife.
George: Dr. Sloan's ready for the arm.
Meredith: I'll say it. George is being an ass.
Izzie: I think it's my fault. I said some things, and now he's not talking to me.
Alex: I don't know what he's got to complain about. Those new chick interns are hot.
Cristina: He's married, Alex.
Izzie: Yeah, he's married.
Alex: You know who's seriously hot? That Lexie girl.
Meredith: Get out...before I hurt you.
Alex: I'm going over Callie's head to bailey.
Cristina: Uh, Callie is over bailey's head.
Meredith: Spiritually, Bailey's over everyone's head.
(Richard and Bailey are in the ambulance bay)
Richard: Dr. Bailey. How are things going?
Bailey: I wouldn't know. Ask Dr. Torres.
Richard: Miranda...
Bailey: I don't want to talk.
Richard: Miranda, it is not like you not to want to talk.
Bailey: Fine. How's your wife?
Richard: Well, she's...she's...good. I haven't moved back in yet. She hasn't let me move back in yet. She's not taking my calls. Wait. That's not what I want to talk to you about. I want to talk about chief resident. Now we're gonna have this conversation.
Bailey: Are you ordering me to stand here and talk to you about this, chief?
Richard: No, I'm not ordering you. But I just thought we could...
Bailey: Okay, then. Good-bye, sir.
(Cristina and Derek are at a nurse's station)
Cristina: I talked to the family they're on their way.
Derek: Good. I put an entire OR on hold. We don't have much time.
Cristina: Uh, can I get a progress note?
Derek: Uh, do you maybe want to have a drink later?
Cristina: What?
Derek: A drink. Give me one reason why we can't hang out.
Cristina: I don't like you.
Derek: You don't like me because of Meredith?
Cristina: I don't like you because you're you.
Derek: Hmm. How is Meredith, by the way? Is she okay?
Cristina: She's fine.
Derek: She's always fine. That's her problem.
Cristina: We're fine people. We do fine. We're fine. How's Dr. Burke? I haven't seen him around. Is...is he off today?
Derek: Here. Dr. Burke handed in his letter of resignation two weeks ago. He wanted me to tell you.
Cristina: He's gone?
Derek: I'm sorry.
Cristina: Well, don't be. I'm...
Derek: Fine?
Cristina: Yeah.
(Alex notices Izzie on the computer)
Alex: Circulatory system of a deer?
Izzie: Shut up.
Alex: Oh, Dr. Bailey. Uh, couldn't you use an extra set of hands in the OR today? I saw an appy on the board. I'm...I'm great at appys.
Bailey: Talk to Torres. She's in charge of what cases you get now.
(Callie enters)
Callie: It's hard to set a shattered kneecap when your patient's in the pit, don't you think?
Alex: Whatever.
(Alex storms out)
Callie: I don't know how you did it.
Bailey: Did what?
Callie: Get 'em to listen to you, to give you some respect.
(Callie leaves)
Izzie: Hey, Dr. Bailey, you wouldn't happen to know anything about, uh, the anatomy of a deer?
Bailey: Not my intern, not my business, not anymore.
(Cristina is in the hall with Henry's family)
Cristina: Your husband's injuries are s-severe. Uh, they're traumatic in the extreme.
Wife: I'm sorry. What does that mean?
Cristina: The only thing holding his head on to his body is skin and muscle. If he moves even a fraction of an inch, it could kill him.
Wife: So are you saying that the...
Cristina: I'm...I'm saying that when you see him, this could be the last time...this could be the last time you see him alive.
(They enter the room)
Wife: Are you in pain, sweetie? Good. Two blinks...you aren't in pain.
Daughter: Why isn't daddy answering?
Wife: Just...right now we just need to wish daddy good luck in his surgery and tell him how much we love him. Okay? Cause we do. I love you so much, Henry. (He blinks three times) What's...what's three blinks?
Cristina: Uh, we've only been working with one and two.
Wife: Is it "I love you"? Are you telling us you love us? Three blinks is I love you. We're gonna be fine, Henry. You're gonna make it, and we're all gonna be just fine.
Derek: It's time to go.
Wife: Okay, guys. Let's let these doctors fix daddy up.
(His daughter walks over and blinks three times)
(Izzie runs into George in the stairwell)
Izzie: George. George. Why are you avoiding me?
George: I'm on my way to surgery.
Izzie: No, I don't mean right now. I mean, not one word in 17 days? I tell you that I love you, and not one word? Where have you been?
George: I've been right here. You know where? Exactly where I was a year ago. I'm sorry. I...I'm freaking out. I'm an intern again.
Izzie: Yeah, we're all freaking out. We're all freaking out. I'm in charge of a group of interns who think I'm crazy. And I might actually be crazy, because day one of me being in charge, and I'm obsessed with rescuing Bambi. We're all freaking out.
George: Since when did you start calling me Bambi?
Izzie: What? I'm not calling you Bambi.
George: No, I mean, I know I...I...I under...I expect it from Cristina or Alex, but...
Izzie: I'm Bambi. I'm Bambi, George, okay? If anyone in this situation is a sad little cartoon character, it's me. I'm all alone in the forest...all alone in the forest, George...and my mother's been shot by a hunter, and where are you? Where the hell are you?
George: I'm on my way to surgery.
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Mark enters the scrub room where Derek is)
Mark: I really am up for a drink, you know? If you, uh, need to talk.
Derek: What would I need to talk about?
Mark: Meredith. You were lucky, man. That girl jerked you around.
Derek: You have no idea what you're talking about.
Mark: Hey, I'm just...seemed like you could use a friend about now.
Derek: Meredith's mother never wanted her, and her father was never man enough to hang around. She has a right to be damaged, and us, together, it's a big step for her. Her best friend gets left on the altar, and all she sees now is things like this, they don't work. She panics. She wants this. She doesn't know how to have it. And you know what? That's not her fault. So don't ever talk to me about Meredith Grey again, because you do not know what you're talking about. And I don't need a friend.
Mark and Meredith are in Nancy's OR[/i])
Doctor: Okay, Nancy, I want you to count back from a hundred, okay?
Nancy: No. No. I'm not ready.
Meredith: It's just like going to sleep.
Nancy: I can't do any of this alone. I don't want to be alone anymore.
Meredith: I know.
Nancy: No, I'm scared.
Meredith: I know.
Nancy: I am scared, Meredith.
Nancy: I know.
Meredith: I think it's very brave, what you're doing. It's much better to be alone and feel like a success than to be in a relationship and feel like a failure all the time, right?
Nancy: That's what I think.
Meredith: So let's just take care of your arm, and then we'll deal with the rest later, okay?
(Alex enters Joey's room)
Alex: Well, it looks like I'm back to babysitting. What the hell? Who took my clamps and the bandage scissors?
(Joey starts choking)
Alex: Joey? There's a foreign body. His abdomen's rigid. Somebody page Dr. Bailey right now. Come on, Joey.
(Outside at the truck)
Chris: You like hamburgers, don't you?
Michael: Yeah.
Chris: And spaghetti with meatballs, and lasagna?
Michael: Mm-hmm.
Chris: That's beef. That's cow you're eating, son.
Michael: What do you mean?
Izzie: Could we have the "circle of life" lesson later? I need to get in here.
Male Intern: Sorry.
Izzie: Her eyes are glassy. You, get in here and ventilate. We're losing her.
Chris: This is absolutely childish and ridiculous.
Izzie: No, it's not. It's not childish to hold on to hope. It's actually hard...very, very hard. Your son just wants to believe that some things can work out for the best. Get me the paddles. Come on, come on, come on.
Male Intern: What's she doing?
Female Intern: Insuring we never see the inside of an OR this year?
Izzie: She's in v-fib. I'm gonna shock. Charge to 300 and stand back. Okay, clear. (She shocks the deer which jumps up) Oh, my god. Oh, my god. She's alive? It worked. She's okay. Everything's gonna be okay. Oh, my god.
(Kathy's OR)
Mark: Got a big bleeder. Dr. Grey, press and hold right here.
George: She's having contractions.
Meredith: Well, take a look, George. Probably the stress.
George: No, these are strong, and they're two minutes apart.
Mark: Call OB and get someone in here.
George: Uh, I don't think there's time to call OB. Her water just broke, and she's crowning.
Mark: Call peds. Get a warmer in here.
George: This baby's coming now.
Mark: O'Malley, get her up in stirrups.
George: Can we put her in a reverse trendelenburg, have one of the nurses press her abdomen since she can't push?
Mark: Try it without all the jostling. I'm holding on to a major artery here.
George: Okay, clamp. Scissors. I got it. I got him.
Meredith: Great job, George.
George: Thanks.
Mark: Yeah, yeah, we're all heroes. Now if no one minds, I'd like to get this woman's arm sewn on. Like she said, she's gonna need it.
(Henry's OR)
Derek: I'm starting the fusion now.
Lexie: Did he just move?
Cristina: Oh, he...he definitely moved.
Derek: The anesthesia's light. Yang, stabilize his neck.
Cristina: Okay, three, come and grab his feet. Go under the drape and do not contaminate the sterile field.
Derek: We need to keep him very still until he is under. We can't risk even the slightest movement.
Cristina: You cannot move. Do you hear me? This is not an option. Everything is not gonna be fine if you move. It will be the opposite of fine. You cannot leave the people you love. They need you. Not just the memory that you love them.
(Callie enters Joey's OR)
Callie: Anyone care to explain to me how my patient wound up in this OR and I wasn't even informed? Karev?
Bailey: Dr. Karev didn't page you because he knows how to prioritize. Ten minutes ago, this patient was coding from a perfed abdomen. Under the circumstances, Dr. Karev's quick thinking is the reason that your patient is even still alive.
Callie: I'll expect a fully dictated chart before you leave tonight, Karev.
(Callie leaves)
Bailey: Ah, jackpot.
Alex: Did he swallow those?
Bailey: Poor fool. He must suffer from pica, an uncontrollable urge to eat any and everything. Alex: Check it out...a buffalo nickel.
(Richard enters)
Richard: Dr. Bailey, I saw you were scrubbed in. I thought I'd stop by and see what you've got.
Bailey: What I've got? $2.37, sir, in change.
(Lexie and George are at the nursery window)
Lexie: It's like a cute festival in here.
George: I delivered that one an hour ago.
Lexie: Oh, my god. Why aren't you, like, jumping up and down?
George: I've done this before. This is d�ja vu.
Lexie: Look, George, you didn't pass your intern test. You know, it...it happens. It's...it's nobody's fault. Right?
George: It's nobody's fault. Yeah, it's just that Callie gave Cristina the study cards, and Meredith didn't write anything down, and Cristina was planning a wedding, and Izzie...Izzie just had to. You know, I'm...I'm...I'm responsible. I've always been the responsible one. I'm not saying, "what about me?" I'm not saying, "when do I get what I want? "When do I get to be someone other than the guy who repeats his intern year?" I'm not saying that, but...
Lexie: But what about you?
George: Yeah!
Lexie: I didn't plan on being here. I was all set for an internship at Mass Gen. And then, my mother gets the hiccups, and I'm at a funeral. You know, we all have problems. Moms die ,and dads drink so much that they don't even know what year they're in, and sisters...I...I didn't even know that there was a Meredith Grey until a couple of months ago. And she won't...she doesn't even want to talk to me. I don't want to be here. You know, I...I'd giving anything to not be here. You know, to...to have my life work out the way I planned, to even have time to ask, "what about me?" So you...you change. You...you get over it. I'm here now, so...and you...you delivered a baby today. So, stop feeling sorry for yourself.
George: You...are kind of awesome.
Lexie: I know.
(Joey's OR)
Richard: Karev why don't you make sure Psych's prepared to consult on the patient? Thank you. Now whether you like it or not, you and I are gonna talk.
Richard: Chief...
Richard: I know you're angry and disappointed.
Bailey: No, I'm not angry. I'm not disappointed. I'm speechless. I don't want to talk because I am speechless. It makes me speechless to realize you didn't think that. I would've made an...an excellent chief resident.
Richard: You're right. You would've made an excellent chief resident. But you'll make an even more excellent surgeon. You belong in the OR, Bailey. Focus on honing those skills, not on how well you can juggle schedules or fill out paperwork. Believe me, I know. You'll thank me for this one day.
Bailey: But not today.
(Mark and Derek are at the surgical board)
Mark: I'm the one that could use a friend. I said that you could use a friend. I could use a friend.
Derek: Look, Mark...
Mark: No, I didn't come to Seattle for Addison. I didn't come to Seattle to be chief. I came to Seattle for you, okay? I came to Seattle to get you back. (They both smile) I know, I want to take it back now, but I already said it, so...
Derek: Yeah, maybe we should have a drink.
Mark: We could.
Derek: Yeah. Not today.
(Izzie is in the parking lot with her interns)
Izzie: I know you didn't wake up this morning expecting this was how your first day was gonna go. You thought you'd get to reattach an arm or observe brain surgery. Instead you helped save the life of a deer. You can bitch and complain about it, or you can adjust your expectations. 'Cause like it or not, you're stuck with me. And I'm the kind of doctor who lets a little kid convince her she can do the impossible. Oh, plus, when I woke up this morning, I thought today was gonna go a lot differently, too. I thought I was gonna get the good interns. Instead I get stuck with the duds. So I have to adjust my expectations as well.
(Cristina watches Henry's family go in to talk to him)
(George enters the locker room. Everyone is looking at him and smiling)
George: What?
Female Intern: We heard...we heard you delivered a baby today.
Lexie: On your very first day as an intern.
George: Yeah.
Female Intern: What was it like?
Male Intern: Did you do it all by yourself?
Female Intern: Was it just like...did your head just explode with the amazingness?
Lexie: Your very first day.
George: It was pretty cool. He came out really fast. I had to, uh, you know, determine the position of the cord. You know what a reverse trendelenburg is?
(Alex enters the abandoned hallway where Cristina is)
Alex: I filled this entire bag with coins from my patient's stomach today.
Cristina: No kidding?
(Cristina looks sad and lost)
Alex: I miss Rebecca.
Cristina: I miss Burke.
Alex: Want some money?
MVO: Change. we don't like it, we fear it.
(Bailey leave the hospital and walks past Callie)
Callie: What? You want to humiliate me some more? 'Cause I get it. I suck. I suck at my job. I suck as a wife. I suck all around, so, go ahead. Humiliate me some more, please.
Bailey: Hope tomorrow's better.
MVO: But we can't stop it from coming.
(Meredith exits the elevator)
Lexie: Meredith.
Derek: Meredith.
MVO: We either adapt to change, or we get left behind.
(She walks away with Derek, leaving Lexie standing there. They enter an on-call room)
Meredith: I, um...
Derek: You're not ready for this?
Meredith: No.
Derek: I asked for too much.
Meredith: I think so.
Derek: So this is it?
Meredith: Yeah.
Derek: We're breaking up.
Meredith: We're breaking up.
MVO: It hurts to grow. Anybody who tells you it doesn't is lying.
Derek: We're broken up.
Meredith: It's done.
(They kiss)
Derek: So a breakup kiss.
Meredith: A breakup kiss.
Derek: And some breakup s*x.
Meredith: Yeah, breakup s*x.
MVO: But here's the truth. sometimes the more things change, the more they stay the same.
(Izzie answers the door and it's George)
MVO: And sometimes...oh, sometimes change is good.
George: I love you, too.
MVO: Sometimes change is...everything. | Plan: A: Cristina; Q: Who searches for Burke after returning from her honeymoon? A: residents; Q: What are Cristina, Izzie, and Alex now? A: George; Q: Who is the intern who is repeating his intern year after failing his exams? A: Meredith's half-sister; Q: Who is Lexie Grey? A: a multi-car pile-up; Q: What event causes a man to come to life? A: a man; Q: Who came to life after a car accident? A: a pregnant woman; Q: Who lost an arm in the car accident? A: her interns' ire; Q: What does Izzie attract by having them treat a deer? A: an emotional impasse; Q: What has happened to Derek's relationship with Meredith? A: friendship; Q: What does Derek look for from his fellow doctors? A: his position; Q: What does Webber resume as Chief of Surgery? A: Bailey; Q: Who struggles with her place within the hospital now that her former interns report to new Chief Resident Callie? A: her former interns; Q: Who does Bailey have to deal with now that she is no longer a resident? Summary: Having just returned from her honeymoon with Meredith, Cristina searches for Burke, but he is nowhere to be found. Meredith, Cristina, Izzie and Alex spend their first day as residents with their own groups of interns. Among the interns are George, repeating his intern year after failing his exams, and Lexie Grey, Meredith's half-sister whom she has never met. The residents and interns have to deal with the victims of a multi-car pile-up, including a man who came to life, a pregnant woman who lost an arm, and a man with a compulsive desire to eat. Izzie attracts her interns' ire by having them treat a deer. Now that Derek's relationship with Meredith has reached an emotional impasse, he looks to his fellow doctors for friendship. Webber resumes his position as Chief of Surgery. Bailey wrestles with her place within the hospital now that her former interns report to new Chief Resident Callie, who struggles with her new position. |
[EXT. VARIOUS LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) -- DAY]
[EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY MOUNTAINS (STOCK) - DAY]
[SCENE_BREAK]
[EXT. MOUNTAINS -- DAY]
(We hear the crunching of footsteps on the brush.)
Hiker Man: (o.s.) Isn't it great to get back to nature?
(We hear more footsteps.)
Hiker Man: (o.s.) You want to set camp here?
(In the brush, we see two campers, ANGIE and a man. ANGIE has her legs crossed and shuffles from one foot to the other.)
Angie: We can camp on the moon. Just give me the shovel.
(HIKER MAN takes off his back pack and grabs the shovel. He hands it to her.)
Hiker Man: Chill, chill. You got paper?
(She grabs it and hurries off. The MAN laughs silently at her.)
Angie: I have what I need.
(ANGIE walks some distance away from her camping partner and tries to get the shovel open. We hear insects buzzing. She looks in front of her and gasps.)
Angie: Oh, my god!
Hiker Man: (concerned) Angie?
(ANGIE is frozen as she stares at whatever it is she's looking at. When ANGIE doesn't answer him, the MAN turns to go look for her.)
Hiker Man: Angie!
(He runs toward her and finds her frozen at whatever she's looking at.)
Angie: They're ... they're everywhere.
Hiker Man: What the ... ?
(In front of them, under the bush, is the body of a person.)
Hiker Man: That's a person.
(They both start coughing and gagging at the thought.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[EXT. MOUNTAINS - NIGHT]
(Large lights are set up on the mountain side. SARA and GRISSOM make their way down toward the dead body.)
Detective: Hey.
(They walk up toward BRASS.)
Brass: Hikers found her. Looks like a gunshot to the head.
Grissom: Did you find a weapon?
Brass: No.
(GRISSOM and SARA approach the body. GRISSOM puts his kit down. and puts on the gloves. He brushes a few away. SARA looks wide-eyed at the flying bees.)
Sara: I hate bees.
Grissom: Just paper wasps. They're having too much fun to worry about us.
(GRISSOM picks up his kit and walks closer toward the body. SARA stays back where she is.)
Sara: I never get used to this part, you know when the bugs get going.
(GRISSOM opens his kit.)
Grissom: Just doing what god intended ... ... recycling us back to the earth.
(GRISSOM looks down at the body. SARA takes out a pair of gloves.)
Grissom: Hey, Officer
Officer: Yeah?
Grissom: Can I borrow some of your hot coffee, please?
Officer: Sure.
(The OFFICER hands GRISSOM the cup. SARA bats her hand at the bees. GRISSOM takes a couple of bugs off of the body and puts them in a container. He pours some coffee into the container. SARA has moves in nearer to the body.)
Grissom: (to SARA) Preservation.
(GRISSOM caps the container and puts it aside. Off the body, he takes beetle samples.)
Grissom: John ... Paul ... George ... Ringo.
Sara: Beetles. No alkali fluids in the dirt so she wasn't killed here. Whoever dumped her must have been in a hurry. Didn't take the time to bury her. What do you think?
Grissom: You got any of that beef jerky you're always gnawing on?
Sara: You can eat?
Grissom: I want to keep these little fellas alive. They're our first witnesses to the crime.
HARD CUT TO: END OF TEASER ROLL TITLE CREDITS
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. CSI - BREAK ROOM - NIGHT]
(Everyone's in the break room waiting for GRISSOM and the assignments.)
Warrick: Cath, you want some coffee?
Catherine: Please. Cream with some of that fake stuff.
Nick: There's nothing good to eat around here.
(CATHERINE tosses NICK an apple over her shoulder. It lands in his hand. He looks down at it and smiles.)
(GRISSOM walks into the room.)
Grissom: Hi. Sorry I'm late.
Catherine: Hey, how's the body with the bugs?
(GRISSOM starts, then stares at CATHERINE.)
Grissom: How do you know about that already?
(He turns around and look over at SARA, who is on the other side of the room reading a book. She looks up and shrugs.)
Sara: Hey, don't look at me.
Nick: We, uh, played a hunch; checked with homicide. You were late.
Catherine: What do you have for us?
(GRISSOM looks at the assignment sheet.)
Grissom: A Paul Sorenson ...
(He hands the assignment sheet to CATHERINE.)
Catherine: (reading) Missing since last night. Last seen at home of Richard Zeigler in - ooh -- Summerlin.
Warrick: Summerlin ... rich folks.
Grissom: Warrick, you can work this with Catherine. (CATHERINE hands the sheet to WARRICK.) Don't you have a court date coming up?
Warrick: Yeah, the DA asked me to testify on chain of custody.
Warrick: I could do that in my sleep.
Grissom: Listen, juries need to have confidence in the evidentiary, process, so work with Catherine then break off when you have to appear.
Warrick: Yeah.
(WARRICK and CATHERINE head out the front door.)
Catherine: Bye.
Grissom: Good luck.
Nick: Bye.
Warrick: See you.
(They leave. NICK looks at GRISSOM.)
Nick: Need help with your homicide?
Grissom: No. Sara's going to work with me.
(NICK looks over at SARA, who smiles back at getting the dead body case with GRISSOM.)
Grissom: You get a missing person. (reading) Sheryl Applegate. Her husband notified the police that she took the car and headed to L.A., but she never showed up. A few hours ago, P.D. found her car at the bus station. They requested a CSI.
Nick: She took the bus instead. Case solved.
(NICK smiles smugly at SARA. SARA laughs.)
Grissom: Hopefully, you're right. But, until she's located treat her car like a crime scene.
(GRISSOM holds out the assignment sheet to NICK. NICK sighs and takes the sheet from GRISSOM. He heads for the door. On his way out, he tosses the apple to SARA, who catches it.)
(GRISSOM looks at SARA and points at the door. She stands up and they leave the room.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[EXT. ZEIGLER RESIDENCE - NIGHT]
(CATHERINE and WARRICK walk up to the front door. CATHERINE knocks.)
Catherine: Is everything okay? You've been quiet all night.
Warrick: Yeah. I got a call earlier today from Child Services asking about you and Lindsey.
(CATHERINE shakes her head in surprised disbelief.)
Catherine: I don't believe this.
Warrick: They told me they'd notified you -- some investigation -- that Eddie had made a charge or something.
Catherine: Yes. He's pissed off because I won't let him back into my life so he sics Child Services on me.
(WARRICK understands now.)
Catherine: (still upset) I never expected they were going to talk to my friends. Well, what did they ask? What did you say?
Warrick: Well, I ...
(The front door opens.)
Richard Zeigler: Hello.
Catherine: Hi. Sir, we're with the Las Vegas Crime Lab. We're here about a Paul Sorenson.
Richard Zeigler: I'm Richard Zeigler. Cops told me you were coming. Here, please, come in.
Catherine: Thank you.
Warrick: Thanks.
(He holds the door open for them. They walk inside.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. ZIEGLER RESIDENCE - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS]
(RICHARD ZEIGLER leads them into the living room. He stops and points to the wall in front of them.)
Richard Zeigler: Well, this is, uh where the Sorenson was displayed.
Catherine: Sorenson is a painting.
Richard Zeigler: Paul Sorenson was an artist. Early 1900s.
(RICHARD ZEIGLER steps past them and up to the empty wall. WARRICK puts his kit down.)
Catherine: (shrugs) How dumb are we?
Warrick: What's he know about the forensic analysis of a friction ridge?
Catherine: Right on.
Richard Zeigler: (doesn't hear & turns around) I think I may have surprised the guy while he was stealing it.
(Quick flashback to: RICHARD ZEIGLER walks down the darkened stairs.)
Richard Zeigler: (V.O.) I came downstairs to read and I heard a noise.
(The plaster breaks and the wall hanger falls to the floor with some plaster.)
(Cut to: The thief runs out of the living room with the painting. RICHARD ZEIGLER turns his head and notices the open door.)
Richard Zeigler: (V.O.) By the time I got to the room, he was gone but the door was open.
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
(CATHERINE and WARRICK reach into their field kits.)
Catherine: Why don't we dust for prints?
Warrick: Mr. Ziegler, one more thing. What about the security alarm?
Richard Zeigler: Somebody disengaged it.
(WARRICK nods his head. RICHARD ZEIGLER walks away.)
Warrick: You thinking what I'm thinking?
Catherine: Oh, yeah. Inside job.
(CATHERINE reaches up and starts dusting the wall for prints.)
Catherine: So ... was it a disaster with Child Services?
Warrick: Disaster? What do you mean?
(WARRICK reaches up next to CATHERINE and starts dusting the wall for prints.)
Catherine: Well, my job does take me away from my daughter. Nobody knows that better than you.
Warrick: Yeah, but you think I'd say that?
Catherine: Well, not intentionally. (sighs) They just, you know, know how to ask questions.
Richard Zeigler: Are you finding anything?
Catherine: We're working on it, sir.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY -- NIGHT]
(DR ROBBINS goes over the body with GRISSOM and SARA.)
Dr. Albert Robbins: Your young woman from the mountains.
Grissom: Do we know who she is yet?
Dr. Albert Robbins: I gave her prints to homicide for ID. There's the blanket she was wrapped in. Whoever she is, last day on earth was not pleasant. .38 caliber gun, flush to the scalp.
(White flash to Quick CGI: Gunshot is heard and the camera follows the bullet's path through the gun barrel and through the scalp. Camera backs up a little to show the entry wound. End of CGI. Resume to present.)
Dr. Albert Robbins: Shot clean through, right to left. Bullet out the other side.
(SARA leans in close and looks at the wound.)
Sara: Stellate pattern and beveled wound confirms the proximity of barrel to scalp. No question this was an intimate killing.
Grissom: "Full of sound and fury signifying" ... what, Doc?
[Note: Quote from Macbeth, Act V, Scene V, William Shakespeare]
(DR. ROBBINS turns and walks off to the side.)
Dr. Albert Robbins: I took these.
(They look at the x-rays up on the viewbox.)
Sara: Let's see what we have. Fracture to the nasal bone, orbital bone, mandibular ... all facial fractures.
Dr. Albert Robbins: (realizing) Typical for battered women.
Sara: These aren't fresh, are they?
Dr. Albert Robbins: The old fracture lines indicate this woman was in a long-term abusive relationship.
Sara: Any idea how long she's been dead?
Dr. Albert Robbins: The elements really got to her. Grissom and his insects are going to have to figure that one out.
(DR. ROBBINS turns around and sees GRISSOM picking up a bug from the body.)
Dr. Albert Robbins: Have we lost you, Grissom?
(GRISSOM looks at the bug.)
Grissom: (muttering) "The worms go in the worms go out / the worms play pinochle on your snout."
[Note: Quote from "The Hearse Song", Nursery Rhyme.]
Sara: Shakespeare again?
Grissom: An old nursery rhyme.
Dr. Albert Robbins: A very special insect, Dr. Seuss?
Grissom: A muscid fly -- typical only in urban areas.
Dr. Albert Robbins: But you found her in the mountains.
(He smiles in agreement.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. ZEIGLER RESIDENCE - NIGHT]
(CATHERINE questions RICHARD ZEIGLER.)
Catherine: How many people have access to your home -- keys and security code?
Richard Zeigler: Just my wife and my two sons and, uh ... my daughter.
(Meanwhile, WARRICK finds something.)
Catherine: Can you get them all here? They might be able to help us with evidence.
Warrick: Hey, Catherine. Check this out.
(CATHERINE turns around and looks at the wall.)
Warrick: You see that?
Catherine: Helix, antihelix, helix rim, tragus, antitragus.
Warrick: I think the thief must have pressed his head against the wall to check if the painting was wired.
Catherine: (laughs) Come on. An earprint?
Warrick: Hey, a jury convicted a first-degree murderer based on a print just like this two years ago in Washington.
Catherine: Yeah, I know, I know. I'd like to see that one on appeal. Well, photograph and lift. We'll have someone to compare it to soon enough.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. CSI - GRISSOM'S OFFICE -- NIGHT]
(Camera opens on a certificate hanging on the wall from the "UNIVERSITY OF CHICAGO", "SOCIETY OF VECTOR ECOLOGY" to "Gil Grissom", then pans over to the various bugs pinned to a white board. GRISSOM adds another pinned bug to the board.)
(SARA sits behind GRISSOM holding the container with the 'preserved' beetle in it, the one with the caffeine.)
Sara: Okay, bear with me.
(GRISSOM walks over to the counter to pick up another container marked "evidence" with an insect inside.)
Sara: I mean, you're one of ten guys in the country that understands this stuff.
Grissom: I think there's at least fifteen, but go on. What don't you get?
Sara: Insects arrive at a corpse in a specific order, right?
Grissom: Like summer follows the spring.
Sara: And you can pinpoint time of death based on the type and age of insects present on the body?
Grissom: I watch the insects mature from eggs to larvae to adults and then count backwards.
(Off SARA, out in the hallway, BRASS lingers in the doorway.)
Sara: Linear regression.
(GRISSOM holds up a bug and looks at it.)
Brass: How old are those creepy crawlers?
Grissom: They're not done maturing yet.
Brass: Oh.
Grissom: But when they are, I'll be able to tell you how old they were when I found the body.
Sara: Which will tell us when the woman died.
Brass: I ID'd her body through AFIS, and located her husband.
Grissom: Let me guess. Downtown? The Fremont District?
(BRASS' face falls at GRISSOM'S accuracy.)
Brass: You know, I'm not even going to ask.
Grissom: Synthesiomyia nudiseta is the Latin name.
Sara: It's a muscid fly. Only breeds in urban areas but Grissom found one on our girl which means she was probably killed downtown and then carried into the mountains.
Brass: Well, the neighbors heard a gunshot at their apartment five days ago. The "grieving" husband ...
(BRASS looks down at his notes.)
Brass: ... his name is Scott Shelton.
(beat)
Sara: What was her name?
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM -- NIGHT]
(GRISSOM, SARA and BRASS interview SCOTT SHELTON.)
Scott Sheldon: Kaye screamed at me a lot, that's for sure but I didn't kill her. In fact, I was out of town last week at a convention.
Brass: Yeah, in New Orleans soaking up the gumbo. You told us. When was the last time you saw your wife?
Scott Sheldon: Five days ago. When I came back from my trip she was gone.
Brass: And you didn't think to notify the police?
Scott Sheldon: I keep my personal business private. If Kaye had left me again, I wasn't going to broadcast it.
Brass: So this neighbor lady who told me that she heard a gunshot and a woman scream inside your apartment ... what, she just imagined that?
Scott Sheldon: It was probably our tv.
(SARA slides the folder on the table toward GRISSOM. He leans forward to continue the interview.)
Grissom: Mr. Shelton ... did your wife drive race cars?
Scott Sheldon: (laughs) You're kidding me.
Grissom: No. The two most common causes of facial trauma in adult women: Motor vehicle accidents and domestic violence.
(GRISSOM opens the file folder.)
Grissom: These are your wife's x rays.
Sara: Every face and neck fracture your wife has sustained over the last six years is highlighted.
Scott Sheldon: Kaye can get wild. If I came home late with friends I've wrestled her off me. I admit that.
Brass: Three complaints against Scott for spousal abuse in the last two years.
Scott Sheldon: Kaye was excitable. Like I said I've wrestled her off me, but I never, ever laid a hand on her.
Sara: How about a gun?
(SCOTT SHELTON looks at SARA, then turns to GRISSOM.)
Scott Sheldon: (laughs) You have your hands full with her.
Grissom: So do you.
Sara: We're going to investigate your apartment. Do we need a warrant or are you going to play nice?
Scott Sheldon: Come on over. I've got nothing to hide.
Sara: We'll be the judge of that.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[EXT. BUS STATION -- NIGHT]
(NICK makes his way toward the detective.)
Nick: Detective Secula.
Det. Secula: Mr. Stokes.
Nick: What's up?
Det. Secula: You got stuck on this one, too?
Nick: (puts field kit down) Yeah, well, missing person -- could be interesting.
(NICK pulls a pair of gloves out of his pocket and puts them on.)
Det. Secula: Husband reports his wife missing and her car's at a bus terminal. Come on. Lady took a trip. Didn't want him to know where to. Not much of a mystery.
Nick: Auto unit been by yet?
Det. Secula: No. We just slim-jimmed. We checked for a body -- didn't find one. Big surprise.
Nick: Yeah.
(NICK takes a breath and points to the car. She beats him to the question with the answer.)
Det. Secula: No. I didn't touch a thing.
(NICK nods. He opens the door and looks inside.)
Nick: Secula ... something wrong?
(DET. SECULA looks at the inside of the car over NICK'S shoulder.)
Det. Secula: We had dinner last week. I thought it went great. You never called.
(He turns his flashlight off and looks at her.)
Nick: That doesn't mean I wasn't going to.
(NICK opens the trunk and looks inside. He finds some hair.)
Nick: Is our missing person a redhead?
Det. Secula: Yeah.
Nick: Call in a tow to the CSI garage. This case is now officially interesting.
(NICK takes out the camera and snaps a photo.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. ZEIGLER RESIDENCE -- MORNING]
(CATHERINE looks at the ear print. She and WARRICK talk to the entire ZEIGLER family.)
Catherine: It's just like a fingerprint ... for your ears.
Richard Zeigler: Now, wait a minute. Are you thinking one of us did this?
Catherine: Well, there's no forced entry. Someone shut off your alarm. That tells us that we eliminate the family first before we widen our investigation.
Troy Zeigler: I'll tell you what. I'm not putting that crap on my ear.
Warrick: Well, we can get a warrant.
Richard Zeigler: Oh, no. Nobody's getting a warrant against this family. We'll humor them, and get this over with.
(RICHARD ZEIGLER gets to his feet.)
Catherine: Thank you, sir.
(MRS. ZEIGLER takes off her earring.)
Richard Zeigler: Tell me what you want me to do.
(He walks up to CATHERINE.)
Catherine: You're a good sport.
Warrick: I'm just going to press this against your ear. See?
(WARRICK presses the glass against RICHARD ZEIGLER'S ear and shows him the print.)
(Cut to: WARRICK and CATHERINE dust the ear prints. of the glass panels in front of them.)
(Dissolve to: CATHERINE blows the dust off of the glass for LISA Z.)
(Dissolve to: WARRICK and CATHERINE continue to work on the ear prints. CATHERINE presses the tape against the glass. WARRICK works on his glass.)
(Dissolve to: One by one, CATHERINE compares the ear print to the samples taken from the family. The family waits. CATHERINE finds a match.)
Catherine: We got a match.
(She stands up and shows it to WARRICK. Then, she shows it to RICHARD and MRS. ZEIGLER.)
Catherine: What do you think?
Warrick: Jason?
Jason: What?
Warrick: The earprint talking.
(Quick flashback to: That night, JASON presses his ear to the wall as he lifts the painting away from the wall to get the hanger behind it.)
(Cut to: RICHARD ZEIGLER walks down from the top of the stairs.)
(Cut to: JASON rips the painting off of the wall. The hanger falls to the floor with bits of plaster. JASON turns around to face the camera.)
(Cut to: JASON walks out the door carrying the painting. He runs.)
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Richard Zeigler: Why would you steal from me?
Warrick: Sir, are you going to want to press charges?
Richard Zeigler: No, no. God, no. No. I just ... we'll get help for Jason. I don't want court records.
Catherine: Jason, do you still have the painting?
Jason: What if I told you I sold it?
Catherine: Well, that would be selling stolen property and you would be arrested, no matter what your dad says.
Jason: Okay. Painting's in the trunk of my car.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. SHELTON RESIDENCE -- DAY]
(SCOTT SHELTON offers them a drink.)
Scott Sheldon: Can I get you guys something to drink? Soda, ale?
Sara: (o.s.) No, thanks.
(GRISSOM checks under the couch cushions. BRASS walks along the room. SARA checks out the items on the wall shelves. Most of the photos and items on the shelves are his.)
Sara: Not a lot of room for Kaye.
Scott Sheldon: She's shy.
(SARA nods.)
(BRASS kneels next to the bed and finds something. A holder with some bullets it in. SCOTT SHELTON sees BRASS pick it up. BRASS looks at SCOTT.)
(SARA continues to look around the room. GRISSOM stands in the middle of the living room.)
Grissom: Does it get cold in here in the winter?
Scott Sheldon: Sometimes. Why?
(GRISSOM finds some fibers on the couch. He picks it up.)
Grissom: That's why you'd need a blanket on the couch, huh? A green one, I bet.
Brass: (checks the gun) Looks like your gun's just been cleaned.
Scott Sheldon: Yeah, I, uh, cleaned it before I left town. Took out the garbage, too. (flippant) Does that make me guilty of something?
(GRISSOM puts the fibers in a bindle. He turns to look at SCOTT.)
Brass: No bullets missing here.
(BRASS checks the gun. He picks up the bullet holder.)
Brass: Bullets missing here, though.
Scott Sheldon: I fired them at the shooting range last month. I go there with a couple guys from work.
Grissom: We're going to need to borrow your bullets.
(SCOTT SHELTON takes a step back. GRISSOM looks around and sees SARA head down the hallway.)
(She puts on some gloves and checks the floors and walls. GRISSOM checks on SARA. He watches as she picks up a green fiber from the floor and put it in a bindle.)
(SCOTT SHELTON walks over behind GRISSOM to see what's going on. BRASS also walks over.)
Sara: This back door lead to your car?
Scott Sheldon: To a car. I drive a different demo every day. Perk of the dealership.
(SARA sniffs.)
Sara: You smell that, Grissom?
Grissom: (turns to look at SCOTT) Did you do laundry back here today?
(SARA starts to check for blood on the floor.)
Sara: I got news for you, Scott. Bleach doesn't make blood disappear. You just can't see it with the naked eye.
(After a thought, she also checks for blood on the walls. GRISSOM steps into the hallway and watches SARA continue to check for blood.)
(SARA sprays the other wall and red streaks appear. GRISSOM and SARA look at SCOTT.)
Scott Sheldon: I have no idea how that got there.
Sara: (angry) It "got there" when you shot your wife in the head before you wrapped her in a blanket and you dumped her in the mountains!
(SARA stands up and gets into SCOTT SHELTON'S face. He knocks her hand out of the way. SARA pushes him back.)
Scott Sheldon: Get your finger out of my face, bitch!
Grissom: Sara!
(GRISSOM grabs SARA and pulls her back.
Sara: You touch me again, you draw back a stump!
Scott Sheldon: Look at her.
Grissom: Sara!
Scott Sheldon: Can't you control her?
Grissom: Get him out of here, Jim.
Scott Sheldon: I told you she was a handful.
Brass: Come on.
Sara: You don't know a handful!
(BRASS leads SCOTT SHELTON back into the main room. GRISSOM looks at SARA.)
Grissom: Hey. Hey. What is the matter with you?
Sara: (more than upset) I am a woman, and I have a gun. And look how he treated me. I can only imagine how he treated his wife.
(SARA turns and walks away.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. CSI -- DAY]
(WARRICK carries the painting into the office. CATHERINE stands at the counter as the clerk puts the forms in front of her.)
Catherine: Thank you.
(NICK walks into the room.)
Nick: Hey.
Warrick: Hey.
Catherine: Nicky, how's it going?
Warrick: What's up?
Nick: Good, good. (he looks at the painting) Are you putting one of Lindsey's drawings into evidence?
(CATHERINE and WARRICK laugh.)
Catherine: If only her artwork brought in this kind of dough I wouldn't need to worry about her college tuition.
Nick: Yeah, I heard your missing person was a "painting".
(WARRICK scoffs.)
Warrick: At least we solved our case.
Nick: Oh!
(NICK puts a hand to his chest as if wounded.)
Catherine: Keep walking.
(NICK laughs and leaves the room.)
Warrick: Give me an evidence tag for this painting.
Clerk: Sure.
Catherine: Okay, now I know that these are rich people and it's just a painting and nobody died, but ... this just doesn't feel finished.
Warrick: I know, every time you say that, I'm looking at more overtime.
Catherine: I know.
(WARRICK'S pager beeps. He looks at it.)
Warrick: You know what? I got to be somewhere.
Catherine: Court.
Warrick: Yeah, right. Can you handle this from here?
Catherine: Yeah.
Warrick: Cool. I'll see you later.
(WARRICK heads for the door. CATHERINE stops him.)
Catherine: Hey, Warrick. Are you going to tell me?
Warrick: What?
Catherine: About Child Services?
Warrick: Oh, I told them as far as mothers are concerned, you're the bomb.
Catherine: Really?
Warrick: Yeah. And I also told them your ex is pretty screwed up. (CATHERINE smiles.) No worries.
(WARRICK turns and leaves the room.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. CSI - HALLWAY -- DAY]
(SARA, GRISSOM and BRASS discuss the case.)
Sara: What do we need to nail him at trial?
Brass: The neighbor puts him in the apartment five days ago. You tell me she's been dead five days and a jury is going to jump all over that coincidence.
Grissom: The post-mortem insects will tell me when she was killed.
BRASS; No, all I'm saying is five days is what I need.
Grissom: Jim, please don't try and compromise my end of the investigation.
Brass: Good luck.
(BRASS hands the evidence bag to SARA and leaves. SARA heads down one way, GRISSOM the other.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY -- DAY]
(DR. ROBBINS puts the sheet back over KAYE SHELTON. He closes the storage door with the label: GUNSHOT VICTIM / KAYE SHELTON.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. CSI - GRISSOM'S OFFICE -- DAY]
(Using the Christopher Columbus, GRISSOM looks at the bug.)
[SCOPE VIEW of bug]
(GRISSOM writes in a log book.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. CSI -- LAB]
(SARA looks at the evidence bag with the green fibers in them. On the table is the blanket that KAYE SHELTON was found in. SARA looks at the scope.)
[SCOPE VIEW of green fibers]
(SARA writes down in her notes: "Cotton green dye #24 / double loop stitching".)
(Dissolve to: GRISSOM pins another bug up on the white board. He looks at them carefully.)
(Dissolve to: GRISSOM studies the bugs on the desk.)
(He measures the beetles then checks the computer print out which reads:
[NAME 12 HRS 18 HRS 24 HRS 36HRS 48HRS 60]
LAGIIDAE* .21MM .32MM .41MM .52MM .65MM .70
(LONG-JOINTED BARK BEETLES)
LAMPYRIDAE .22MM .32MM .41MM .54MM .61MM .63
(LIGHTENING BUG OR FIREFLIES)
LEIODIDAE .12MM .22MM [.32MM] .41MM .56MM .69
(ROUND FUNGUS BEETLES)
LEPTINIDAE .51MM .74MM .86MM .99MM 1.23MM 1.71MM
(MAMMAL-NEST BEELTES)
LUCANIDAE .32MM .485MM .58MM .74MM .92MM 1.72MM
(STAG BEETLES)
[SCENE_BREAK]
(SARA lifts her head from the scope. She picks up one of the bullets and looks at it. She writes on the side of the envelope: For Trace.)
(Dissolve to: GRISSOM checks the containers full of insects.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. CSI - GRISSOM'S OFFICE]
(GRISSOM examines the insects. SARA walks into the office and reports to him. GRISSOM doesn't look up.)
Sara: The bullets from Scott's gun are unusual.
(GRISSOM looks up at SARA.)
Sara: Since we didn't find the spent bullet I sent one from the box over to trace. Everything else stacks up. He killed her.
(GRISSOM looks back down at his bugs.)
Sara: What did you get?
(He sighs.)
Grissom: She's been dead three days.
Sara: (shocked) Are you positive? Not five?
(nods)
Grissom: Three.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM -- DAY]
(GRISSOM, SARA and BRASS present their findings to SCOTT SHELTON and his lawyer.)
Public Defender: My client was in New Orleans three days before his wife's body was discovered on that mountain. He couldn't possibly have killed her. Unless I misunderstand what you've explained to us, Mr. Grissom -- your "linear regression."
Grissom: You understand it.
Sara: Okay, forget time of death. How does your client explain Kaye's blood all over his apartment wall?
Public Defender: Quite simply. Scott has three prior complaints for abuse. What's to say the blood didn't get there during one of those altercations?
Sara: "Altercations" ... upgraded from "wrestling"?
Brass: This is good. Admitting to prior abuse to cover up actual murder.
Public Defender: My client and I are leaving.
(They stand up.)
Public Defender: And, Mr. Grissom, thank you.
(SARA watches them carefully as they leave the room. As soon as the door closes, SARA falls forward and hits her head against the table. GRISSOM watches her frustration.)
HARD CUT TO BLACK.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - DAY]
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. CSI - HALLWAY -- DAY]
(GRISSOM walks through the hallway. In passing he bumps into CONRAD ECKLIE.)
Conrad Ecklie: Hey, tough luck about the, uh, wife abuser getting released.
Grissom: There's no secrets around you, are there, Conrad?
Conrad Ecklie: You think I wanted you to whiff out on that? Your reputation as an entomologist elevates this entire crime lab which elevates my stature by association.
Grissom: Well, then, you must feel very small today ... by association.
(GRISSOM turns to leave, but ECKLIE stops him.)
Conrad Ecklie: You're dropping the ball in other areas, though. Administratively?
Grissom: Did I miss one of your status meetings?
(ECKLIE looks around, then lowers his voice.)
Conrad Ecklie: Warrick Brown had one of my guys sub for him in court.
Grissom: So? I'm sure something came up.
Conrad Ecklie: Hey, he told my guy it was an emergency but I have it on good authority that he was gambling.
(GRISSOM turns to leave. But that stops him.)
Conrad Ecklie: At the Monaco.
Grissom: What?
Conrad Ecklie: That's right. On CSI time. I don't like him using one of my guys as a cover. I figure if he brings anybody down with him it should be from your shift. Don't you think?
(ECKLIE turns and leaves. Camera holds on GRISSOM'S stern look.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. CSI -BREAK ROOM - DAY]
(In the breakroom, SARA is sleeping with her arms folded and head resting against the table. The kettle starts whistling. SARA'S eyes open.)
(GRISSOM picks up the empty tea kettle off of the burner.)
Grissom: Sara?
(SARA wakes up.)
Grissom: (softer) Sara? You okay?
Sara: Fine. Yeah.
Grissom: Did you sleep here?
Sara: I was working till 4:00 A.M. I combed every demo Scott's driven. Zilch. What's up?
Grissom: I need you to do some background for me on Warrick without letting him know why.
Sara: Oh. Warrick -- your favorite CSI.
Grissom: That's why I want you to handle it, so that Ecklie can't accuse me of favoritism if it turns out that Warrick's clean.
Sara: What do you want to know?
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. CSI - OFFICE -- DAY]
(WARRICK holds up the painting. CATHERINE is on the computer.)
Warrick: This painting's a forgery? Where does it say that?
Catherine: I was reading up on Sorenson, and I found a site that says that 15% of all museum art is fake.
Warrick: It's not our job to authenticate art. Case is closed.
Catherine: You're so right, but if this is a forgery, we've got a new crime.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. CSI -- DAY]
(JESSICA LOVETT, the tech, explains how to test the painting for authentication.)
Jessica Lovett: This electrothermal atomizer is set at the excitation wavelength for titanium which was not used in oil paint before the 1950s.
Catherine: So, an authentic Sorenson would be titanium-free.
Jessica Lovett: If it's present, the canvas will fluoresce and we've got a forgery. Hit the lights.
(The lights turn off. JESSICA turns the light on and uses it on the painting. It fluoresces.)
Jessica Lovett: Mm-hmm. No doubt about it -- it's a fake.
(They turn the lights back on.)
Catherine: Okay, so if the owner purchased this painting from a reputable auction house, they would have run a similar test to this?
Jessica Lovett: Absolutely.
Warrick: So, the kid stole the original painting from his pop and gave us back a forgery. (cc) No wonder he copped to it so easy.
Catherine: This kid's in college, right? Let's check his dorm room.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. CSI - GARAGE -- DAY]
(NICK vacuums the back of the car. DET. SECULA appears behind him. He sees her and turns the vacuum off.)
Nick: There's no more hair. Not even a trace. No signs of foul play.
Det. Secula: And the carpet's clean.
Nick: Yeah. Yeah, too clean ... ... which begs the question ...
Det. Secula: What lies beneath?
Nick: Hand me the phenothaline, please.
(She turns and hands it to NICK.)
Det. Secula: You're checking for blood?
Nick: Well ... I am checking ... to see why someone scrubbed this carpet so clean. If there is blood present ... ... we'll know why.
(He takes a sample and tests it. It tests positive. NICK smiles.)
Det. Secula: Looks like our missing person might be a homicide.
Nick: Right.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. CSI - GRISSOM'S OFFICE]
(GRISSOM is in his office working. SARA appears in the doorway and leans against the door frame. GRISSOM looks up.)
Sara: Hey.
Grissom: Did you find out anything about Warrick?
Sara: Um ... I'm-I'm here about something else. You ... you know how you say, "We're the victim's last voice"?
Grissom: Mm-hmm.
Sara: I thought it was our job to speak for Kaye Shelton.
Grissom: You don't crunch evidence to fit a theory.
Sara: What if you hear the victim's screams? In the car, at the store.
Grissom: You have empathy for her, Sara. You want someone to pay for what was done to her. That's normal.
Sara: You want to sleep with me?
(GRISSOM freezes. He puts down his food and takes off his glasses.)
Grissom: Did you just say what I think you said?
Sara: That way, when I wake up in a cold sweat under the blanket, hearing Kaye's screams ... you can tell me it's nothing. (beat) It's just empathy.
(Having said her piece, SARA turns and walks away. GRISSOM stares at the doorway. He leans back in his chair, thinking. Then something occurs to him.)
(Something, they might have missed.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. CSI - EVIDENCE VAULT]
(GRISSOM empties the bag of evidence onto the table. The large green blanket KAYE SHELTON was found wrapped in tumbles out of the package. GRISSOM sets the package aside, then turns to the blanket.)
(He opens the blanket up slowly, looking for anything.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[EXT. -- NIGHT]
(The Secure Cold Transport Truck drives away. BRASS leans against the wire fence while GRISSOM is busy preparing the experiment.)
Brass: (calls out) So, you planning a little late-night luau? Roast pig?
Grissom: It's an experiment. Maybe Kaye was dead five days.
Brass: I thought your bugs never made mistakes.
Grissom: They don't. People do. The victim was wrapped in a blanket. Normally a blanket or clothing doesn't impact insect maturation. The insects usually fight their way in anyway. But I examined the folds in Kaye's blanket. She was wrapped tight -- maybe tighter than I realized -- which would have decreased the corpse's exposure to insects.
Brass: So it took longer for the insects to get in there?
Grissom: And deposit their eggs. Maybe two whole days. I've wrapped porky here pretty tight.
Brass: Well, let me ask you this. You killed a pig just for this?
Grissom: This poor ham was already on its way to someone's Christmas dinner table.
Brass: I mean, wouldn't a rabbit be easier?
Grissom: Got to be a pig. Interestingly, they're the most like humans.
Brass: Yeah, I've been saying that since I was a rookie. You're on your own pal.
(BRASS turns and leaves.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[EXT. -- NIGHT]
(GRISSOM checks the camera and sets it up to record.)
(Dissolve to: In the cold outdoors, GRISSOM sits and watches the progress. He writes in his log book.)
(Dissolve to: GRISSOM snaps a few photos of the bugs on the pig.)
(Cut to: GRISSOM secures his jacket tighter around himself as he writes in his log book. He looks up.)
(SARA walks up to him, an appreciative smile on her face. She puts her kit down next to his open one. Without a word, she puts her bag down and takes the seat next to GRISSOM.)
(GRISSOM takes off his glasses and SARA hands him the thermos. He uncaps the thermos and she takes out a fresh blanket, which she opens and wraps around his shoulders.)
(He looks at her and smiles.)
Sara: (quietly) Thanks.
(Short time cut to: The camera pans across the area outside the fence and rests on the sign: NO TRESPASSING / VIOLATORS WILL BE - PROSECUTED. Inside the fenced area, GRISSOM and SARA sit and keep watch over their pig.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - DAY]
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. CSI - OFFICE -- DAY]
(DET. SECULA lingers in the doorway and calls inside.)
Det. Secula: How's the case going?
(NICK turns around and sees her.)
Nick: Hey. Dead end. How about you?
Det. Secula: Just got a hit on one of our missing lady's credit cards. A motel.
(She takes a step back out into the hallway. She and NICK head out.)
Nick: Her abductor sold her card or is using it himself. What motel?
Det. Secula: Four Aces.
Nick: That's right around the corner from where we found her car.
Det. Secula: I've got some uniforms meeting us there.
Nick: (smiles) Good job.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[EXT./INT. FOUR ACES --]
(NICK stands with the police outside the motel room door. They open the door.)
Officer: Las Vegas police!
(The officers enter the room. NICK is the last to follow.)
Officer: All right, don't move! OFFICER: Put your hands where I can see them!
(Outside the sounds of helicopter blades are heard overhead. NICK rounds the corner and freezes at what he sees. He glances over at DET. SECULA who doesn't say anything.)
Nick: Are you Sheryl Applegate?
(On the bed is a woman handcuffed to the side. She nods.)
(The OFFICERS push a man in a towel back into the motel room.)
Michael: Oh, whoa, man! Ow! Oh, what's going on here?
Sheryl Applegate: Michael, shut up!
Det. Secula: (amused) Las Vegas police. Your husband reported you missing.
Sheryl Applegate: Can she put that gun away?
(DET. SECULA puts her gun away.)
Nick: You, uh ... you haven't been abducted have you, Mrs. Applegate?
Sheryl Applegate: Not really.
Nick: We found evidence of blood in your car.
Sheryl Applegate: I saw an injured dog last week and drove it to the vet.
(DET. SECULA clears her throat.)
Det. Secula: Uh, Nick, let's get out of here.
(NICK nods and clears his throat. He turns to leave the room.)
Sheryl Applegate: Wait! What are you going to tell my husband?
Nick: That you're okay. (laughs) You're going to have to fill in the blanks.
(They leave the room.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. CSI -- GRISSOM'S OFFICE]
(SHERIFF BRIAN MOBLEY looks through the photographs of the pig.)
Sheriff Brian Mobley: So the pig's insects matured at a rate consistent with a five-day-old corpse?
(In the office, GRISSOM, SARA, and BRASS talk with SHERIFF BRIAN MOBLEY.)
Grissom: (nods) Once I took the blanket into account.
Sheriff Brian Mobley: Your initial computations were wrong. You went back, adjusted conditions, and proved actual time of death.
Grissom: Five days, not three.
Sara: Which places the victim with her husband who's already guilty as sin.
Sheriff Brian Mobley: Captain Brass do you understand Grissom's insect evidence?
Brass: (nods) To a degree. You know ... in a general way.
Sheriff Brian Mobley: Do you think a jury will understand your "adjustments"? Or do you think they'll realize your "conditions" can make the evidence say anything you want it to say?
Grissom: I can make a case to any jury against Scott Shelton for the murder of his wife.
Sheriff Brian Mobley: Your arresting officer can barely understand it. I read the file. Other than bugs is there anything else?
(GRISSOM shakes his head.)
Sheriff Brian Mobley: Get something a jury can understand or move on.
(The SHERIFF leaves the office. Camera holds on SARA.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. ZEIGLER RESIDENCE -- DAY]
(CATHERINE and WARRICK walk up to the front door.)
Richard Zeigler: Hello.
Catherine: Hello, Mr. Zeigler.
(He sees the painting.)
Richard Zeigler: Oh, good. You brought my Sorenson.
(Inside the house, JASON watches.)
Catherine: Yes.
Richard Zeigler: Good. I'm glad it's back.
Warrick: Nice campus you got there, Jason.
Jason: (off guard) What?
Warrick: We were by your dorm earlier with the police here.
Catherine: We'd like to ask a favor of you Mr. Zeigler. A private viewing of the painting.
SHORT TIME CUT TO:
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. ZEIGLER RESIDENCE - DAY -- CONTINUOUS]
(CATHERINE tests the painting. RICHARD ZEIGLER recognizes the test immediately and reacts to the results.)
Richard Zeigler: My god, my-my ... my Sorenson's a forgery?
Warrick: That's not all, sir.
Richard Zeigler: Wait. I have $10 million worth of forgeries?
Warrick: No, sir. The police recovered your originals from Jason's dorm room today.
Richard Zeigler: What?
(RICHARD turns and looks at JASON, who still hasn't said anything.)
Richard Zeigler: I don't even know you.
Warrick: What, did you have an art major do your fakes for you, Jason?
Catherine: Robbery checked with your school. They actually teach classes in how to copy the Masters.
(JASON nods.)
Jason: My friends helped me out. They didn't know what I was doing with the copies.
Richard Zeigler: And what exactly were you doing?
Warrick: Your son stole all your originals replacing them with forgeries.
Catherine: But, the other night, his little scam was interrupted.
(Quick flashback to: The painting is ripped off of the wall. The hanger and some plaster falls to the floor.)
Warrick: (V.O.) He didn't have time to make the switch.
(Close up of JASON looking behind him at the sound of his father walking down the stairs. He puts the painting down on the floor next to the "fake". He slides it aside and picks up the fake. Cut to: JASON runs out of the room with the fake.)
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Warrick: If the hook hadn't dislodged from your Sorenson you would have spent the rest of your life admiring fakes.
Jason: (laughs) And you never even knew the difference, did you, dad? You're right. You don't know me. Where are your pictures of me? You're too busy staring at your masterpieces, and they're not even real! I'm right here, dad. You don't even see me!
Catherine: (quietly) The police are going to want to know if you're pressing charges this time.
(RICHARD nods.)
RICAHRD ZEIGLER: I am. You want my attention, Jason? You got it.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. CSI - HALLWAY OUTSIDE FORENSIC AUTOPSY -- DAY]
(GRISSOM is leaning against the wall and reading a file. SARA walks up to him.)
Sara: I heard you were going into an autopsy. (upset) How can you just move on to another case? They're laughing at us. You know that, right? They think we're a couple of 'science nerds'. They threw out our findings.
(DAVID walks up to GRISSOM.)
David Phillips: That body should be up in a few minutes, Mr. Grissom.
Grissom: Thank you, David.
(DAVID leaves.)
Grissom: You know, there was a murder recently in a village on the other side of the world. Every man in the village denied having any part of it. The victim's throat had been slashed with a shovel. So this one guy -- I guess you could call him a "science nerd" -- asked all the men in the village to bring their shovels to the center of town and hold them spade-side up. And he waited. Eventually, flies started showing up on one specific shovel looking for microscopic bits of blood and flesh.
(SARA nods.)
Sara: "First witness to a crime."
Grissom: The investigator got his murderer, and...
Sara: ...and forensic science was born. Sung T'su, 1235 A.D. You call 800 years ago recent?
Grissom: To an astronomer, it is. (pause) But then people forgot about forensic science, didn't they? And they had to be reminded again by Francesco Redi in the 1600s.
Sara: And again by Bergeret D'Arbois in the 1800s.
Grissom: Every civilization learns what it needs to know and the next one forgets it. The sheriff ... well... it's not personal.
Sara: We're part of the cycle.
Grissom: Yeah, they laughed at fingerprints 70 years ago, and now it's law.
Sara: Except somebody had to push for prints. And you're standing there saying "all things in their own time."
Grissom: You're confused, right?
Sara: (shakes her head, then nods) Yes.
Grissom: That's the best place for a scientist to be.
(Behind SARA, GRISSOM sees someone approaching.)
Grissom: My body's here.
(The Coroner's Assistant pushes the gurney between GRISSOM and SARA toward the door. GRISSOM reaches over and lifts up the sheet. SARA looks down.)
Sara: (smiles) Kaye Shelton ...
(She looks at GRISSOM. He smiles at her and motions to the door.)
Grissom: Shall we?
(They push the door open and walk inside, the body on the gurney right behind them.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY -- CONTINUOUS]
(GRISSOM, SARA and DR. ROBBINS work on the body.)
Sara: Gave her a bath, huh?
Dr. Albert Robbins: Routine cleaning. We had to do it sometime.
Grissom: Doc, what's this blue mark here?
(GRISSOM looks a the blue mark around the bullet wound.)
Sara: Why didn't we see this at the autopsy?
Dr. Albert Robbins: It was under a gallon of blood. But the blue's embedded; it won't wash away.
Grissom: Didn't you say the suspect's ammunition was in trace?
Sara: Yeah.
(SARA turns to follow it up.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. CSI - LAB]
(SARA opens the envelope from Trace. She removes the report and looks at it.)
Sara: "Lead, copper, zinc ... teflon." (thinks about it) Teflon?
(Cut to: SARA takes out a bullet and looks at it.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. CSI - BALLISTICS LAB]
(SARA test fires the bullet.)
(Camera follows the bullet in slow motion as it fires out of the gun and impacts its target. Resume to normal.)
(SARA walks up to the target and checks it. There's blue residue around the hole.)
(Cut to: SARA looks into the scope. And smiles.)
(GRISSOM walks into the lab. SARA stands up and points to the scope.)
Grissom: And? So?
Sara: Strand of hair from our lady in the mountains.
(GRISSOM sits down and looks into the scope.)
[SCOPE VIEW of hair with blue stuff on it.]
Sara: The blue dust from around her entrance wound -- that's from the bullet's impact. It's made of teflon. Now look at the next specimen.
(GRISSOM stands up and moves to the next scope.)
[SCOPE VIEW of bullet]
Sara: The bullet is from Scott's personal ammo supply which I test-fired. See, the teflon disintegrated into blue powder at the moment of impact.
(Quick flashback to: KAYE SHELTON is slammed against the wall.)
Scott Sheldon: You're gonna leave me? Is that what you think?!
Kaye Shelton: No, Scott, no!
(SCOTT grabs KAYE from behind.)
Scott Sheldon: And all the guys are gonna see a woman walk out on me?
Kaye Shelton: (screaming) No! Scott, no!
Scott Sheldon: You just try...
(He puts the gun up against her temple and fires.)
(Camera follows the bullet through the gun barrel and up to the temple where it leaves a smoking hole.)
(Cut to: SCOTT grabs the blanket off of the couch and wraps KAYE'S body in it, leaving a small piece of fiber on the hallway floor. He wraps her in the blanket.)
(Cut to: SCOTT drags her down the floor.)
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Grissom: You did very good. (SARA beams.) But this is just more circumstantial evidence. We're a long way from a conviction.
Sara: But we can bury him under evidence. You're the one who's always saying it's better to have one piece of forensic evidence than ten eyewitnesses.
Grissom: (stares at her) What, do you tape everything I say? (SARA shrugs.) You still have to educate the jury.
Sara: (counters) On bullets. It's got to be easier than bugs. (GRISSOM smiles) (beat) Less Latin.
(SARA smiles. It's too contagious. GRISSOM smiles, too.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - HALLWAY -- DAY]
(BRASS puts the handcuffs on SCOTT SHELTON.)
Brass: You know, I been waiting three days to do this. No, make that five days. Let's go.
(BRASS escorts SCOTT SHELTON out the door. GRISSOM watches from the side. THE PUBLIC DEFENDER looks over at GRISSOM.)
(Satisfied, GRISSOM leaves.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY]
(Under DR. ROBBINS' watchful eyes, SARA puts the sheet back over KAYE SHELTON and pushes her body back into storage.)
(DR. ROBBINS closes the door.)
(SARA stands there and watches as DR. ROBBINS tapes the note onto the storage door:
RELEASE FOR BURIAL
DATE OF BIRTH: 9/24/72
DATE OF DEATH: 12/ 6/00
DATE OF RELEASE: 12/15/00
(Camera holds on SARA.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. CSI - GRISSOM'S OFFICE]
(GRISSOM is going through his things when SARA walks into the office.)
Sara: Hi.
(He looks up at SARA.)
Grissom: Hi.
Sara: I checked out Warrick. His story about missing court was, uh ... lame. I got this surveillance tape from the Monaco. He was in the casino.
(SARA gives the tape to GRISSOM.)
Sara: I'm sorry.
(GRISSOM looks at SARA, then looks back down at the tape.)
Grissom: Thanks.
(SARA turns and leaves the office. GRISSOM slowly sits down in his chair with the tape in his hand.) | Plan: A: Grissom; Q: Who uses entomological evidence to discover the time of death? A: the desert; Q: Where was the body of a woman found? A: insects; Q: What is the body of a woman covered with? A: the husband; Q: Who was the prime suspect in the case? A: Sara's dismay; Q: What is the reaction of Sara when she finds out that the prime suspect is getting away with murder? A: a painting; Q: What do Warrick and Catherine try to find out who stole? A: Nick; Q: Who deals with a missing persons case when a woman's car is found at a bus station? Summary: Grissom and Sara investigate when the body of a woman is found in the desert, covered with insects. Grissom uses entomological evidence to discover the time of death. Unfortunately their prime suspect - the husband - was out of town at that time, and to Sara's dismay, it looks like he is getting away with murder. Meanwhile Warrick and Catherine try to find out who stole a painting. Nick deals with a missing persons case when a woman's car is found at a bus station. |
•I do not own the characters or situations of BTVS and I claim no credit for the content of this episode. I have merely transcribed what appeared on my screen, with help from the closed captions. •I prefer that you link to this transcript on the Psyche site rather than post it on your site, but you can post it on your site if you really want, as long as you keep my name and email address on it. Please also keep my disclaimers intact. DO NOT POST MY TRANSCRIPT ON YOUR SITE WITHOUT MY NAME ON IT! • I apologize in advance for my lame transcription of the fight scenes. I don't know the names of different punches and kicks. Use your imagination.
[SCENE_BREAK]
GILES VOICEOVER: Previously on Buffy the Vampire Slayer...
Spike and Buffy in the graveyard.
SPIKE: Why won't you sleep with me again?
BUFFY: Because I don't love you. Willow and Tara in the bedroom.
WILLOW: See? Clothes.
TARA: Better not get used to 'em.
WILLOW: Yes ma'am. Willow and Tara kissing. Warren and Buffy fighting.
WARREN: Say goodnight, bitch. Buffy smashing the orbs. Warren losing his powers.
BUFFY: Goodnight, bitch. Buffy kicking Warren. Buffy and Spike struggling in the bathroom.
SPIKE: I'm gonna make you feel it!
BUFFY: Stop! Buffy kicking Spike across the room.
BUFFY: Ask me again why I could never love you. Spike on his motorcycle.
SPIKE: Get nice and comfy, Slayer. I'll be back. And when I do ... things are gonna change. Spike riding off into the night. Warren storming into Buffy's backyard. Buffy and Xander reacting.
WARREN: You think you can just do that to me? You think I'd let you get away with that? Think again. Warren shooting at them. Xander falling to the ground. The window shattering. Willow with blood on her shirt. Tara falling down.
WILLOW: Tara?! Xander looking at the injured Buffy.
WILLOW: Tara! Baby!
XANDER: Buffy! Willow crying over Tara's body. Willow with her eyes going black and then red.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Teaser
[SCENE_BREAK]
Open on a close shot of the flashing lights on top of an ambulance. Sound of the ambulance siren. Pan down to reveal the two male paramedics in the ambulance as it drives down the street. It slows and stops. The horn honks. The paramedics get out, run to the back of the ambulance and begin taking out equipment.
XANDER: (OS) She's in the back. Xander comes running around from behind the house. He has the cordless phone in his hand and blood all over his shirt.
XANDER: This way! He runs back toward the rear again, with the paramedics following.
PARAMEDIC 1: She was shot?
XANDER: Yeah, in the chest.
PARAMEDIC #2: Accidental?
XANDER: No no, it was a ... He was trying to kill her. They reach Buffy who still lies on the grass unmoving, her eyes open. The paramedics kneel on either side of her and go to work. Xander watches helplessly.
Cut to: close shot on Tara still lying in Willow's lap. Sound of Willow crying and breathing heavily. Willow's arms have blood on them, as does her shirt. She gently shakes Tara.
WILLOW: (crying) Oh god, oh no. Please, please, come on... (crying) She puts her hands on Tara's face.
WILLOW: Come on, Tara! Please, come on, baby... Suddenly the lighting in the room goes dark and blue. Willow looks up, her eyes totally black. Dark blue clouds swirl around the ceiling. Lightning flashes (but only inside the room).
WILLOW: By Osiris, I command you, bring her back! More lightning.
Cut to close shot on Buffy's face, in profile. She closes her eyes and then slowly opens them again.
PARAMEDIC #2: Pulse is 100 and weak. Lung sounds are wet.
XANDER: What does that mean? Is she going to...
PARAMEDIC #1: You need to stand back, okay? If you want us to help her out, we need some space. The paramedics continue working. There's a bandage over Buffy's wound now, soaked with blood. Xander continues watching, putting his bloody hand up to his face. Close on Buffy staring upward with the bloody bandage over her heart. She looks conscious, but just barely. Cut back to Willow's room. The blue clouds continue to swirl.
WILLOW: Hear me! Keeper of darkness! Suddenly some of the clouds form into a huge face. It speaks in a deep raspy voice. Lightning flashes around it.
DEMON: Witch! How dare you invoke Osiris in this task!
WILLOW: (crying) Please. Please, bring her back.
DEMON: You may not violate the laws of natural passing.
WILLOW: How? How is this natural?
DEMON: It is a human death, by human means.
WILLOW: But I-
DEMON: You raised one killed by mystical forces. This is not the same. She is taken by natural order. It is done.
WILLOW: (crying) No. There has to be a way.
DEMON: It is done.
WILLOW: (screams) NOOOO! As she screams, a shimmery column of energy shoots out of her mouth and at the demon. The demon screams and disappears in a final flash of lightning. Wolf howl, opening credits. Amber Benson (Tara) does not appear in the opening credits; she was there for just one episode ("Seeing Red"). Guest Starring Danny Strong, Adam Busch, Tom Lenk, Jeff Kober, and Amelinda Embry. Written by Marti Noxon, directed by David Solomon.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Act I
[SCENE_BREAK]
Open on the front yard of the house. Buffy is on a gurney being wheeled toward the ambulance.
PARAMEDIC #2: (into walkie-talkie) Sunnydale Memorial, do you copy? We have a caucasian female, 21, GSW to the chest.
XANDER: Come on, Buff, hang on. We're going to get you to the hospital. Xander spots Willow coming out the front door, looking blankly at Buffy. Willow and Xander both still have blood all over their shirts.
XANDER: Willow, god, are you okay?
WILLOW: (quietly) How did this happen?
XANDER: Warren. He had a gun.
WILLOW: (with a brief flash of anger, then blank again) Warren.
XANDER: It went down too fast, I couldn't stop him. Willow isn't listening any more. She's walking away, fast. Xander stops at the edge of the walk.
XANDER: Hey. She just keeps walking down the sidewalk. Xander stares after her, confused and shaken.
XANDER: Will!
PARAMEDIC #1: Sir, we have to go, are you coming with us or not? Xander dithers for a moment, then runs over to the ambulance and climbs in the back. The paramedic closes the doors and heads toward the driver's seat.
Cut to: exterior shot of the Sunnydale police station.
Cut to: a holding cell. It's dark despite being daylight outside. Andrew lies on his back on the top bunk.
ANDREW: Think they'll let my aunt bring me my Discman? Pan over to Jonathan, hanging his hands through the bars of the cell.
JONATHAN: That's what you're worried about? In-flight entertainment? We're in jail!
ANDREW: We're in custody. We haven't been charged yet. (rolling over onto his stomach)
JONATHAN: Thank you, Dragnet. (walks toward Andrew, angry) It doesn't matter what they call it, they got us, okay? We're going down. Jonathan lowers his voice, nods toward the next cell.
JONATHAN: (quietly) That guy's been looking at me. I think he wants to make me his butt monkey. Shot of the guy in the next cell, sitting on his bunk. He glances over.
ANDREW: (rolling his eyes) Don't flatter yourself. I heard him talking to the guard. He's in here for parking tickets.
JONATHAN: That doesn't mean anything! The joint changes you. (whispers) I hear they like the small ones, with little hands like their girlfriends.
ANDREW: You have got to chill out. This isn't Oz, it's like, Mayberry. Besides, Warren is going to find a way to get us out of here.
JONATHAN: (sarcastic) Yeah. I'm sure he'll be busting us out any minute.
ANDREW: He will. He's coming up with a plan. Like, "War Games." Remember that decoder that Matthew Broderick used?
JONATHAN: (smiling) Oh, yeah. That was rad. The one he made from the scissors and the tape recorder?
ANDREW: I miss "Ferris" Matthew. Broadway Matthew? I find him cold.
JONATHAN: Really? No, I- (catches himself, exasperated) Shut up! Jonathan goes back to the bars and hangs his arms through them again.
JONATHAN: (grimly) This is real life. And nobody's coming to get us. Not even your aunt who won't return your one phone call.
ANDREW: (defensively) She must be out of town.
JONATHAN: She. Doesn't. Care. And neither does your partner in crime, Warren.
ANDREW: Don't say that. And what do you mean, my partner in crime? We're in this together.
JONATHAN: (turns back toward Andrew, angry) What do you mean, what do I mean? You two were totally going to fly off and leave me holding the bag.
ANDREW: No we weren't! I was going to - (lamely) carry you. (rolls over onto his back and stares at the ceiling)
JONATHAN: No, you two were setting me up, and then Warren was going to screw you over too.
ANDREW: (rolls over again to face Jonathan, tearful) That is so not true!
JONATHAN: Sure. (sits on the bottom bunk) He's a nice murderer who keeps his word.
ANDREW: (softly) You're wrong. He's coming for us. He's out there right now, devising a brilliant way to get us out of here.
Cut to: interior of an underground bar. Warren comes down the stairs outside and enters, wearing a slick suit and dark sunglasses. He strides toward the bar.
WARREN: Whiskey, straight up. And get a round for the house. I'm feeling expansive. We see that the bartender is a demon. He looks unimpressed by Warren. Warren sits down, removes his shades. A vampire is on the stool next to him, staring at the TV behind the bar.
WARREN: (friendly greeting) Hey. Close on the TV, showing a crocodile in water.
WARREN: (leaning toward the vamp) Bet you don't get a lot of humans in- The vamp, still glued to the TV, grabs Warren's shoulder and holds him off.
VAMPIRE: I'm watching my program. Warren shrugs and straightens up as the vamp lets him go.
WARREN: Wouldn't want to interrupt your 'me' time. (loudly) Not even to buy the guy who killed the Slayer a drink. Shot of the other vamps and demons in the bar, all looking over. The one next to Warren is also interested.
VAMPIRE: What's that?
WARREN: Took her out myself. I've been heading an organization. The Trio? You've heard of us.
VAMPIRE: Uh - (exchanging a look with the demon bartender) ...no. Warren pauses briefly, surprised, but then recovers.
WARREN: Not important. I cut them loose. I figure, now that Buffy's out of the picture, some things have got to change around here. (to bartender) I need a real gang, you know, not a, not a couple of wannabes.
BARTENDER: And you killed the Slayer?
WARREN: With these hands.
BARTENDER: What are you, a warlock?
WARREN: It's funny you mention that. You know, I've explored all the dark arts ... witchcraft, demonology. You name it, I tried it against the Slayer. But you know what I found *really* works? The vampire and bartender lean in close to hear.
WARREN: Gun.
VAMPIRE: (small grin) You killed the Slayer with a gun.
WARREN: In her own backyard. Don't underestimate science, my friend. Good old-fashioned metal meets propulsion. The demon and vampire start to laugh. Warren laughs along with them.
BARTENDER: (to vampire) Man, this is gonna be good.
WARREN: (not getting it) Oh, the best. This town is ours.
VAMPIRE: Ours, maybe. (everyone stops laughing) You are screwed. They laugh again, but Warren doesn't realize that the others are laughing at him, not with him. Shot of the other demons and vamps at other tables, also laughing menacingly.
BARTENDER: Metal meets propulsion, yeah. But you still better be a good shot! More laughter. But Warren is finally cluing in.
WARREN: This isn't the evil laugh of victory, is it.
VAMPIRE: More like the evil laugh of "you're a dead man." (more laughter)
WARREN: (totally rattled) Okay, uh ... what, what's the joke?
BARTENDER: (laughing) It was just on the news. Girl was shot.
VAMPIRE: (grinning) In her back yard.
BARTENDER: She survived. She's in the hospital Warren looks surprised and a little alarmed. The others continue laughing.
BARTENDER: Slayers heal fast. Real fast.
VAMPIRE: Yeah. I was gonna eat you myself during the commercial, but now I think it'll be more fun to let the Slayer de-gut you. Warren now looks pretty scared.
VAMPIRE: Might want to get a head start, my friend. 'Cause this girl is gonna be coming for you, big time. (chuckling)
Cut to: interior magic shop, day. The door suddenly slams open and Willow appears in the doorway. She marches inside. Lamps and light fixtures explode as she walks past them. Reveal Anya behind the counter, staring.
ANYA: Willow.
WILLOW: Where do you keep the black arts books?
ANYA: Something terrible has happened, I know. But you don't have to do-
WILLOW: (staring up at the loft bookshelves) I need power.
ANYA: (coming out from behind the counter) Not with those books. I can't let you. Willow! Willow puts up a hand. Magic purple bolts of light shoot over to Anya and suddenly she can't move. Willow gestures with her head. All the books on the loft shelves begin to fly off the shelves and onto the table, landing heaped all over the table. The last book lands opened to a middle page. Anya stares in alarm. Willow walks over to the table and looks down. Shot of the open book with the pages covered in tiny writing. Willow lifts her hands and puts them on the open pages. Her hands sink into the book as if melding with it. The words of the book start to move off the pages and up her arms, curling and scrolling up under her sleeves. We see the words also coming up her chest, and moving up her shoulders to her face. She lifts her head and her eyes are black again. The words move to the top of her head and into her hair, turning her hair black. Willow lifts her hands off the book. We see that the pages are now blank. Anya stares. Close on Willow's face with eyes completely magic-black and her hair also dark black and moving in a nonexistent wind.
WILLOW: That's better. Blackout.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Act II
[SCENE_BREAK]
The Summers house, foyer, day. The door is still standing open. Dawn walks up to it and goes inside, looking around a little nervously.
DAWN: (calls) Buffy? Silence. She puts down her schoolbag and jacket, starts up the stairs.
Cut to upstairs hallway. Dawn finishes climbing the stairs.
DAWN: Buffy? She turns toward Willow's bedroom.
DAWN: Hey. Hello? Uh, (pointing toward downstairs) the door was... She pauses. Shot of the bedroom from Dawn's POV. On the other side of the bed we can just barely see something (Tara's foot).
DAWN: Tara? Pan in closer to reveal Tara's lifeless body lying there with the bullet wound in her chest. Dawn stares in complete horror.
Fade to white.
Fade to a door. It opens, revealing Rack (see episode "Wrecked").
RACK: All right, who's next? Reveal a couple of magic "junkies" sitting in the waiting room. Also Warren. He leaps up out of his chair.
WARREN: I am. One of the other junkies looks upset, like Warren is cutting in line. Warren walks quickly over to Rack, who looks him up and down.
JUNKIE: Hey.
RACK: You're new.
WARREN: Yeah. (holds up a large wad of cash) And I come bearing dead presidents, so you think we can just skip the small talk? Rack smiles a little, gestures toward the room behind him. Warren walks in. Rack closes the door behind them with a loud noise that makes Warren jump.
RACK: How'd you find me?
WARREN: I talked to a guy. He's one of your regulars. Offered to show me the way for twenty bucks.
RACK: Should have haggled. Most of my customers'll bring you here for five.
WARREN: (impatiently) Great, great I'll file that away. Look, I'm in a bit of a situation here. I tried to do us all a favor, and eliminate the Slayer, but it ... I... Warren seems a little unnerved by the way Rack is just staring at him.
WARREN: I guess it didn't take.
RACK: (walking closer) Killing a Slayer, that's big business for a kid.
WARREN: I'm not a kid.
RACK: (now in Warren's personal space) Okay.
WARREN: I had my own guys. The Trio, yeah, you've heard of us.
RACK: Right. What were you, a band or something?
WARREN: I thought word traveled in the underworld. You know, we were evil. Robots were my thing. (Rack looking blank) You didn't hear about the freeze ray?
RACK: (shakes his head) Sorry. So why aren't your guys helping you?
WARREN: Look, I thought this was a cash for service gig, not an interview process, all right? I need protection. I've got the Slayer after me.
RACK: (moving away) Slayer is the least of your problems.
WARREN: You're right. Let's talk about my skin troubles. You know, I'd say on the scale of problems, that she ranks!
RACK: If I were you, I'd be worried about the witch.
WARREN: (surprised) Witch? W-which witch?
RACK: Willow. Slayer's pal? (walking closer again) She's the new power, man, anybody with intuition can feel it. She's going to blow this town apart . (now right in Warren's face) Starting ... with you.
WARREN: Me? What did I, what did I do to her? O-okay, okay, I, I shot her friend... Rack isn't totally listening any more, looks like he's in pain, turns away.
RACK: (painfully) I feel death.
WARREN: But the Slayer's alive. And - and she heals.
RACK: She might, but somebody's stone cold, and that ... is why the witch wants your head. She can sense your essence right now, man. It's just a matter of time before she finds you. Warren panicks, lunges forward and pushes the whole wad of money into Rack's hand.
WARREN: All right. Take it. All right, there's that, and I can get more. Just give me something. Rack looks at the money casually.
RACK: Hide or fight?
WARREN: Both. All of it. I, I still have a few tricks up my sleeve, but it's not enough. I need, I need a cover, and I need lots of fire power.
RACK: I can't guarantee anything. Not this time. (softly) The girl is running on pure fury. I've never felt anything like it. (small grin)
WARREN: Thank you for the tip, Nostradamus. Just load me up, okay?
Cut to: Sunnydale hospital. Xander stands in the hallway looking through a window into another room, anxious. A nurse in full scrubs goes past him, holding a small tray. The camera follows her as she goes around a corner and through a door into the room Xander is watching. We see various medical personnel working on Buffy, talking indistinctly. A machine beeps steadily.
NURSE: ...standing by. A doctor is working on the wound in Buffy's chest.
DOCTOR: We've got to stop that bleeding.
NURSE #1: Where?
DOCTOR: Over by the left ventricle.
NURSE #2: (looking at monitors) BP is down to 80/palp. Close on Buffy as the doctor and Nurse #1 work on her.
DOCTOR: We got more bleeding.
NURSE #2: BP is... Suddenly all the lights flicker and the machines blink off and on again. The steady beeping begins to speed up. The doctor and nurses look up in confusion.
NURSE #1: What's happening? Angle on the other side of the room as Willow comes into view. We see Xander through the window in background.
WILLOW: Leave. Xander sees her, hurries toward the side and out of view. The doctor and nurses turn to look at Willow. She is now wearing all black, her hair and eyes still black too. The lights in the room continue flashing erratically and the beeping continues to speed up. Xander rushes in, looks with surprise at Willow with her newly black hair and eyes.
XANDER: Willow.
WILLOW: (ignoring him, speaking to the medical staff) Now. The doctor and three nurses move toward the door. The beeping gets even faster and becomes a steady whine.
XANDER: Will, what are you doing?! She's going to die.
WILLOW: No she isn't. Willow moves over to Buffy, stands beside her and stares down at her. The beep/whine continues. Xander stares. Close on Buffy. Suddenly the bullet lifts up out of her chest and floats up into the air, hovering at Willow's eye-level. Willow looks at it. The beeping stops.
WILLOW: It's so small. She puts out her hand and plucks the bullet out of the air, brings her hand back toward her. When she opens her hand, the bullet is gone. Xander takes a few steps closer, staring in awe. Buffy slowly comes to, opens her eyes and lifts her head. The lights come back on.
BUFFY: What happened?
XANDER: Buffy! Xander rushes over to her as she sits up.
XANDER: Oh my god, are you okay?
BUFFY: (confused) Sure. How'd I get here? Xander hugs her in relief. Willow just watches.
XANDER: You've got to stop doing this. This dying thing's funny once, maybe twice. Buffy looks over at Willow.
BUFFY: Willow?
WILLOW: (very small smile) Buffy. Hey.
BUFFY: What's wrong?
WILLOW: I'll explain. But we've gotta go. She starts to move toward the door. Xander and Buffy watch her, confused.
BUFFY: Why?
WILLOW: (not turning back) It's time to find Warren. Willow walks to the door and exits the room. Buffy and Xander exchange a look.
Cut to: a ticket counter somewhere. Indistinct announcements over a loudspeaker. A woman in a uniform hands Warren a ticket folder.
WARREN: This'll get me all the way to the border?
CLERK: You'll have to change to the city bus. It's all in the folder. She turns back to her work, then gives Warren a look as if wondering why he's still there. Warren suddenly turns quickly away, walks outside.
Cut to the street as Warren exits. A bunch of buses are lined up along the curb. Warren looks around, sees his bus, climbs on.
Cut to: a highway, daylight. It's fairly deserted with mostly desert on each side. A single car speeds along.
Cut to the interior of the car. Xander is driving, Buffy in the passenger seat and Willow in back. Willow's eyes are back to normal but her hair is still black.
WILLOW: Faster.
XANDER: I'm going as fast as I-
WILLOW: Faster! Close on the gas pedal as it slams down under Xander's foot. The car speeds up.
XANDER: Will, would you cut that out? If you wanted to drive...
BUFFY: We need to stop. I don't like this.
WILLOW: We're close. I can feel him.
BUFFY: And we'll catch him, and he'll go to jail. Look, I'm finding the whole getting shot very motivating. But you're using magic.
WILLOW: If I wasn't, you'd be dead. (Xander looking upset)
BUFFY: Maybe. But this isn't right. Okay, this isn't how I want it.
WILLOW: Sometimes you don't have a choice.
XANDER: I think Buffy gets the tie-breaker on this one. She was the one on the ouchy end of the bullet.
BUFFY: Will, you do have a choice. This isn't good for you.
XANDER: You made the decision to stop for a reason. You promised us. And can I just ask, what's with the make-over of the damned? I mean, the hair...! Willow isn't really listening; she's looking around. Now she suddenly sits up.
WILLOW: Turn right! Go! Xander looks in front of him, seeing nothing.
XANDER: Go - where?
WILLOW: Over there! Now!
XANDER: (looking in confusion) Will.
WILLOW: Turn. The wheel turns itself under Xander's hands. The car screeches off the road onto dirt, zooming between scraggly bushes and such.
XANDER: (holding up his hands) Fine, fine! Puppetmaster wants to drive? Go right ahead! The car continues to bounce along on the uneven surface. Finally it comes to a stop, right before another stretch of paved highway. Willow jumps out of the car and begins to stride across the highway. Buffy and Xander follow more slowly, confused.
BUFFY: Willow, wait!
WILLOW: Stay back. Willow gestures at them and more bolts of purple-black energy shoot over to them, immobilizing them like Anya earlier. Willow keeps walking. Now we see the bus coming over a rise toward her. She stops, standing in the middle of the road, and glares at the bus. Close on the bus driver as the steering wheel suddenly starts doing its own thing. He struggles to control it but can't. The bus speeds toward Willow, who stands there calmly. Close on the bus driver's foot as the brake pedal pushes down underneath his foot. He continues wrestling with the wheel. The bus starts to slow down. All the passengers (including Warren) are thrown around in their seats. Screeching of tires. The bus slams to a stop just a foot or so in front of Willow. Willow walks around to the side. The bus door opens on its own.
WILLOW: Get out. All the bus passengers are craning their necks, trying to see what's going on. Warren gets up, walks down the aisle and down the steps out of the bus. Willow grabs him by the neck, lifts him off the ground. Her eyes are black again.
WARREN: Please. I'll-I'll do anything. Horrible cracking noise as Willow starts to squeeze his neck. Suddenly one of his eyes pops out, revealing metal and wiring and sparks. Willow lets go and Warren falls over motionless on the ground. Buffy and Xander come running over. They stop and stare. Shot of the eyeball rolling around on the ground.
WILLOW: (surprised) It's a robot. They look at her.
WILLOW: (confused) I, I could feel his essence. Buffy looks sympathetic. But then Willow turns angry again.
WILLOW: He tricked me. (starts to walk) We'll find him another way.
BUFFY: (turning to follow) And then what?
WILLOW: And then we'll kill him. Buffy grabs Willow's arm and stops her, turns her around.
BUFFY: Okay, you need to calm down.
WILLOW: Calm down?
BUFFY: Look, you're angry. I, I am too. There's no excuse for what Warren did, but that-
WILLOW: He shot Tara. Buffy and Xander stare at her, speechless.
WILLOW: When he shot you, he hit her too. Upstairs in my room.
BUFFY: Oh my god.
WILLOW: Guess the last shot was the charm.
XANDER: She's dead?
WILLOW: She's dead. Now he's dead too.
BUFFY: (very upset) Oh my god ... (whispers) Tara...
XANDER: Christ, Will, how come you didn't say anything?
WILLOW: I'm busy. Willow starts toward the car again. Buffy again grabs her and stops her.
BUFFY: W-Willow, please, just stop. Willow stares at her coldly.
BUFFY: We love you. And Tara. But we don't kill humans. It's not the way.
WILLOW: How can you say that? Tara is dead.
BUFFY: I know ... I know. And I ... can't understand ... anything. Not what happened ... a-and not what you must be going through. Willow, if you do this, you let Warren destroy you too.
XANDER: You said it yourself, Will ... the magic's too strong, there's no coming back from it.
WILLOW: I'm not coming back. Yet again Willow starts to walk off and Buffy grabs her, stops her.
BUFFY: Will, please. Please, we'll get through this together.
WILLOW: We won't! Not your way.
BUFFY: Please, just-
WILLOW: No! No more talking. It's done! She turns away again, this time gesturing behind her. Another bolt of purple magic flies backward, knocking Buffy and Xander off their feet. They fall to the ground in a heap. Willow continues walking. Buffy and Xander sit up, brushing themselves off. They look up toward the car. Willow is gone. Just empty highway and the car. They look around, look at each other. Blackout.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Act III
[SCENE_BREAK]
Overhead shot of Sunnydale. The sun is setting and lights are coming on.
Fade to exterior of the Summers house. The front door is still open. Buffy and Xander walk up the steps, go cautiously inside.
BUFFY: Willow? Dawn? They move off -- Buffy left into the living room, Xander right into the dining room. The camera stays still, looking from the porch in through the door at the stairway and the hallway to the kitchen. Xander reappears, returning to the foyer.
XANDER: Maybe she went to the hospital to find you. Buffy rejoins him.
BUFFY: I left there hours ago. She'd be back by now. They look toward the stairs.
Cut to upstairs. Buffy and Xander are going in and out of the various doors.
BUFFY: Dawn? Buffy pauses at the open door to Willow's room open. Looks inside with an expression of dread. Walks inside. Reveal Tara's body, still lying there in a pool of blood, speckled with moonlight and shadows.
BUFFY: (whispers) Oh god.
DAWN: (O.S., softly) I didn't ... want to leave her alone. Buffy turns and finds Dawn huddled in a little ball, in a corner formed by the wall and a side-table, crying.
BUFFY: Dawn. Sweetheart. (kneeling beside Dawn) Come on. Honey, we need to get out of here, okay? (stroking Dawn's hair) Dawn, sweetheart. Be strong for me, okay? Xander walks in, looks at Tara in dismay.
BUFFY: Dawn, we need to go downstairs.
DAWN: (crying) I don't understand. Buffy pulls Dawn close and hugs her. Dawn continues crying.
BUFFY: I don't understand either. Long shot on the tableau of Xander standing in the doorway, Buffy and Dawn holding each other, and Tara lying dead on the floor.
Cut to a little later. Two men carry a gurney down the stairs, bearing Tara's body covered with a black sheet. Xander stands at the bottom of the stairs watching. He has changed out of his bloody clothes. Buffy and Dawn sit in the living room. Buffy has also changed her clothing. Xander watches in a daze as the men wheel the gurney out the front door. One of them gives him a clipboard.
CORONER: If you could just sign this?
XANDER: Sure. He signs the clipboard and hands it back.
CORONER: Call this number tomorrow, we'll have more information. (giving Xander a piece of paper)
XANDER: Okay, thanks. Thank you.
CORONER: I'm sorry for your loss. The coroner picks up a briefcase in one hand, takes the end of the gurney in the other, and he and the other (unseen) coroner exit. Xander closes the door, looking at the piece of paper. Goes into the living room.
XANDER: So that's it.
BUFFY: Are the police gone too?
XANDER: Coming back tomorrow with more of their pretty yellow tape. He sits on the coffee table. Both he and Buffy put their faces in their hands for a moment.
BUFFY: (sighing) We need to find Willow.
XANDER: Yeah, she's off the wagon big-time. Warren's a dead man if she finds him.
DAWN: (bitterly) Good.
BUFFY: Dawn, don't say that.
DAWN: Why not? (the others looking at her) I'd do it myself if I could.
BUFFY: Because you don't really feel that way.
DAWN: Yes I do. And you should too. He killed Tara, and he nearly killed you. He needs to pay.
XANDER: Out of the mouths of babes.
BUFFY: Xander.
XANDER: I'm just saying he's ... he's just as bad as any vampire you've sent to dustville.
BUFFY: Being a Slayer doesn't give me a license to kill. Warren's human.
DAWN: (scoffs) So?
BUFFY: So the human world has its own rules for dealing with people like him.
XANDER: Yeah, we all know how well those rules work.
BUFFY: Sometimes they do. Sometimes they don't. We can't control the universe. If we were supposed to ... then the magic wouldn't change Willow the way it does. And ... we'd be able to bring Tara back.
DAWN: (very quietly) And Mom.
BUFFY: There are limits to what we can do. There should be. Willow doesn't want to believe that. And now she's messing with forces that want to hurt her. All of us.
XANDER: I just ... I've had blood on my hands all day. (looks Buffy in the eye) Blood from people I love.
BUFFY: I know. And now it has to stop. Warren's going to get what he deserves. I promise . But I will *not* let Willow destroy herself. Beat. Xander nods, sighs.
XANDER: Okay, where do we go? She could be anywhere.
BUFFY: (sighs) I don't know, um ... Maybe the Magic Box for some kind of locating spell. (quickly, to Xander) I could go myself.
XANDER: No no. I'm cool. I'll go.
BUFFY: Dawn can't stay here by herself.
DAWN: Let me go with you. I want to.
BUFFY: No, honey, it's too dangerous.
DAWN: But ... it's Willow. She needs us.
BUFFY: She does. And you'll help her. Lots. Okay, but first we have to get her home in one piece.
DAWN: But-
BUFFY: Dawn. I'm serious. You've been through enough for more than one ... ever. You should be someplace where you feel safe.
DAWN: (sullen) Fine. I want to go to Spike's. Beat. Buffy sighs heavily.
BUFFY: All right.
XANDER: What?! Not all right. Are you kidding? After what Spike did-
BUFFY: Xander! Buffy gives Xander a meaningful look and a very small shake of the head.
BUFFY: I'll get the coats. She gets up and moves toward the foyer. Xander follows.
XANDER: (quietly) You're not gonna really leave Dawn with Mr. Attempted Rape.
BUFFY: (quietly) He won't hurt Dawn. I, he-he physically can't. Besides, he wouldn't.
XANDER: Well, after the other night, I'd say all bets are off on what he's capable of.
BUFFY: Dawn feels safe with him. We don't have a choice. Right now, he's all we've got. Xander looks displeased.
Cut to: exterior of a UC Sunnydale dorm building.
Cut to Tara's room. Willow sits on the bed holding her white shirt stained with Tara's blood. She looks at it for a moment, then gets up, kneels on the floor and spreads the shirt out on the floor, bloody side down. We see that Willow's eyes are still black.
WILLOW: Blood of the slain, hear me. Guide me to Tara's killer. Close on the shirt. The blood rises to the surface and forms a map. A glowing dot, as if the shirt were on fire just in one little spot, marks a single point on the map, moving slightly. Willow studies it grimly.
Cut to: interior Spike's crypt. The TV is showing an old movie.
MAN ON TV: John, why don't you forget this foolishness?
MAN #2 ON TV: Stop right where you are, Mr. Norton.
WOMAN ON TV: John! John! Buffy and Dawn enter the crypt, walk over toward the armchair in front of the TV.
BUFFY: Spike. The person in the chair gives a yelp of surprise and jumps up in a shower of popcorn/chips/junk-food. It's Clem, who had been asleep.
CLEM: Suffering cats! Buffy is startled, stares at him.
CLEM: (puts hand on his chest) Where did you come from?
BUFFY: Oh. Clem, I - sorry, I didn't mean to startle you.
CLEM: It's, uh, it's okay, you just (chuckles) snuck up on me is all.
BUFFY: (apologetic) I made you spill your snacks.
CLEM: Nah, don't worry about it. (holds up his arm and indicates loose floppy skin) Like I need any more of this. (waves at Dawn) Oh, hi.
DAWN: Hi.
CLEM: Can I get you ladies something? I was just about to mix up some Country Time.
BUFFY: We're looking for Spike, actually.
CLEM: He didn't tell you?
BUFFY: Tell me what?
CLEM: He left. Town.
BUFFY: Oh. Close on Buffy who looks like she has mixed feelings about this news.
DAWN: He just took off?
CLEM: That's why I'm staying here for him. Sweet pad like this goes empty for a few days, you'll lose it for sure. Plus, I ... (indicates the TV) don't have a TV. Buffy has a sour expression.
CLEM: I'm surprised he didn't tell you. He kind of left in a hurry, I guess. (awkwardly) Sure I can't get you something? I've got Bugles and, uh, liverwurst...
BUFFY: We're fine, thank you. Um, but you could do us a favor. Do you think maybe Dawn could hang out here with you for a while? I have some stuff that I need to do and, uh, I really don't want her to be alone.
DAWN: I still don't see why I just can't-
BUFFY: Dawn. We've been through this. (to Clem) What do you think?
CLEM: No problem. I'd love the company. (to Dawn) Do you like Parcheesi?
DAWN: (trying to be nice) Sure.
CLEM: Or, we could rent videos. I've been dying to see "The Wedding Planner."
DAWN: Either way. I'm good.
CLEM: Ooh, and here. (indicates the chair) You can have the comfy chair. Dawn smiles despite herself.
BUFFY: I'll be back as soon as I can. (hugs Dawn) I promise.
DAWN: Okay.
BUFFY: (to Clem) Thank you. Clem nods. Buffy starts for the door, pauses, turns back.
BUFFY: Did he say when he'd be back?
CLEM: Spike? No. Only that he could be gone a while.
Cut to: a view of the moon through an exotic tree. Sound of drums and African pipe music.
Cut to a desert village made up of grass huts on sand. Some African women are sitting around a fire talking. In the background more people walking around, sitting, etc. Spike, wearing all black, strides between the huts. He passes an African man walking the other way. Spike continues walking, his face determined. Another villager tries to stop him, saying something in an African language.
VILLAGER: Toyenza coyengara. Erio mtuwana.
SPIKE: Not asking for permission, mate. Spike never stops walking, strides past the man and onward. The man yells after him but doesn't follow.
VILLAGER: Ymirira! Odja kufa! Ymirira! Spike enters a dark cave. He slows down. It's almost completely black. He flicks open his lighter, revealing paintings on the cave walls. Images of people's faces in pain, bodies with blood pouring out of them, skulls. Spike looks at them, a little nervous. The music continues. More paintings. One depicts a black figure holding out an arm toward another figure, which is red and dripping blood. A breeze blows out the lighter. Spike looks at it, slowly flicks it closed and continues into the cave. Then a deep gravelly voice speaks.
VOICE: You seek me, vampire? Spike looks nervous, but covers it.
SPIKE: You do the finger paintings? Nice work. We see a demon in the darkness, but all we can see is an indistinct shape and a pair of green glowing eyes.
DEMON: Answer me.
SPIKE: Yeah. I seek you.
DEMON: Something about a woman. The slayer.
SPIKE: (nods, barely concealed anger) Thinks she's better than me. Ever since I got this bleeding chip in my head, things ain't been right. Everything's gone to hell.
DEMON: And you want to return to your former self.
SPIKE: Yeah. Close on the green glowing eyes as the demon laughs evilly.
SPIKE: What?
DEMON: Look what she's reduced you to.
SPIKE: It's this bloody chip-
DEMON: You were a legendary dark warrior, and you let yourself be castrated. (Spike looking angry) And you have the audacity to crawl in here and demand restoration?
SPIKE: I'm still a warrior.
DEMON: You're a pathetic excuse for a demon.
SPIKE: (angry) Yeah? I'll show you pathetic. Give me your best shot.
DEMON: You'd never endure the trials required to grant your request.
SPIKE: Do your worst. But when I win ... I want what I came here for. The demon watches him, breathes loudly but says nothing.
SPIKE: Bitch is gonna see a change.
Cut to: interior magic shop. Close on the piles of books on the table, their pages all blank from Willow's actions earlier. Pan over to the counter where Xander is trying to lead Anya toward the table. Anya is still partly frozen from Willow's spell.
XANDER: You feeling any change? Can you talk? Anya pulls away, not looking at him.
ANYA: It's wearing off. She sits down on the bench.
ANYA: Willow was here earlier. She put the whammy on me and went straight to the dark arts books. Sucked them dry.
XANDER: (awkwardly) Look, Anya, something terrible happened.
ANYA: I know. (softly) Tara.
XANDER: (nods) Willow's out for blood, big time. We need to find her before she finds Warren. Is there something you can do, a, a locator spell?
ANYA: I don't need a spell. (a bit reluctantly) I can feel her.
XANDER: You can...?
ANYA: Feel her. Her thirst for vengeance, it's overwhelming.
XANDER: Is that like, left over from your vengeance demon days? You just sense her?
ANYA: No. Not left over. She gives him a meaningful look. The clue hits.
XANDER: Oh.
ANYA: Yeah. (sound of the bell over the door)
XANDER: When?
ANYA: (sourly) When do you think? Buffy rushes over.
BUFFY: Is everyone okay? Did Willow -
ANYA: Got her power boost and took off.
XANDER: Anya's ... Anya was saying she knows where Willow is.
BUFFY: A spell?
XANDER: (bitterly) Not exactly. Seems Anya got her vengeance on again.
BUFFY: (stares at Anya) Oh.
XANDER: So, Willow's all wrathy ... why don't you go to her? Isn't that your gig?
ANYA: (defensively) Normally, I'd have to ... but she doesn't want me.
BUFFY: She wants to do it herself.
ANYA: Yeah.
BUFFY: Look, Anya, we don't have much time. Which side of this are you on? Anya hesitates.
XANDER: If you know where she is, you can help us.
ANYA: (stands up, sighs) I'll help. But I'm helping Willow. Buffy and Xander accept this.
ANYA: She's close to him. He's in the woods. Buffy and Xander exchange a look.
Cut to the woods, night. Willow walks along, holding the bloody shirt. The bushes bend back out of her way as she passes. She walks slowly and calmly.
Cut to another part of the woods. Warren is running along, shoving branches and bushes out of his way. He's wearing a backpack. Willow comes to a small clearing, looks around, smiles a little.
WILLOW: Run all night, Warren. I'll still find- Suddenly something hits her. She falls down face-first. We see Warren standing behind her. A long-handled axe is buried in Willow's back. Warren stares down at her, looking nervous. Blackout.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Act IV
[SCENE_BREAK]
Open on the same scene. Warren stands over Willow, still nervous, but starting to smile a little. Suddenly Willow rises upward and onto her feet, lifted by magic. She turns to face Warren, reaching her arm behind her to pull the axe out of her back. Warren stares at her fearfully.
WILLOW: Axe, not gonna cut it. She tosses the axe to the ground. Warren runs off. Willow follows. Warren runs through the forest, panting, reaching behind him to pull something out of his backpack. It's a small metal box. Warren stops running and pulls a pin on the side of the box. Little metal wings appear from holes on two sides of the box. The wings begin to flap. Warren smiles as the box lifts off his hand and up into the air. It zooms away with quick flitting movements like a bat.
Cut to Willow walking calmly through the woods. The winged box flies up to her. She looks at it in surprise. Suddenly the box explodes. But the explosion, instead of moving continuously outward, only expands to a diameter of about ten feet. It surrounds Willow in a shimmering ball of energy like solidified air and fire, holding her motionless. But then she steps forward, and the ball shatters into large pieces like glass. Willow resumes walking.
Cut to Warren running desperately through the woods, looking back over his shoulder. He turns to face front again and finds Willow directly in front of him. Warren stops short, gasping.
WARREN: (nervous laugh) Cute. That's a cute trick. Willow is silent, just walks toward him. He backs away, very nervous.
WARREN: It was an accident, you know.
WILLOW: Oh. You mean, instead of killing my best friend, you killed my girlfriend.
WARREN: It ... it wasn't personal, that's all. Close on Warren's hand in his pants pocket, grasping for something. He continues moving backward as Willow continues advancing on him.
WILLOW: Well, this is. Warren turns to run away. Willow holds out both her hands and sends a huge blast of magical energy at Warren, knocking him down. He quickly pulls his arms out of his backpack straps.
WARREN: Capture! He throws something at Willow, looks like a small ball of blue goo. It hits her in the stomach and begins to expand, first around her body pinning her arms to her sides, then up and down until her whole body and head are surrounded by shimmery transparent blue. Her mouth opens as if trying to speak, but she can't. Warren jumps up and runs off again, leaving his backpack behind. Close on Willow's eyes behind the goo. They begin to glow fiery orange. The goo in front of her eyes melts, and then the entire cocoon melts and slides down off her body.
Cut to Warren still running.
Cut to Willow still standing where she was. Her eyes are black again.
WILLOW: Irretite. (latin translation: "entangle")
Cut to Warren running. Suddenly vines from several nearby trees whip out and wrap around his legs, then his wrists. He's trapped, spread-eagled between two trees. He looks around, panting. Willow walks around a tree and approaches him.
WILLOW: Cute tricks.
WARREN: You're really asking for it, you know that?
WILLOW: (incredulous) I'm asking for it?
WARREN: I'm gonna walk away from this. And when I do, you're gonna beg to go join your little girlfriend. Willow frowns as if realizing something.
WILLOW: She wasn't your first.
WARREN: (nervous) Uh, first who?
WILLOW: Tara. She wasn't the first girl you killed.
WARREN: I don't know what you're talk-
WILLOW: Reveal!
KATRINA: (O.S.) I should have strangled you in your sleep. Warren's ex-girlfriend Katrina, whom he killed in episode "Dead Things," walks around the same tree that Willow just came from. She is deathly pale.
KATRINA: Back when we shared a bed. I should have done the world a favor.
WARREN: (nervous laugh) It's a trick.
KATRINA: Why, Warren? You could have just let me go. Warren is pretty freaked and can't look at Katrina, just at Willow and the surroundings. Willow watches him calmly.
WARREN: (to Willow) Make it shut up. Make it go away.
KATRINA: It didn't have be like that.
WARREN: (to Willow) I'm not kidding!
KATRINA: How could you say you loved me, and do that to me?
WARREN: (suddenly) Because you deserved it, bitch! Warren finally turns to look at Katrina as he yells at her. But now she's gone.
WILLOW: Because you liked it.
WARREN: Oh, shut up!
WILLOW: You never felt you had the power with her. Not until you killed her.
WARREN: (nasty laugh) Women. You know, you're just like the rest of them. Mind games. Warren talks a good game, but he's trembling in fear.
WILLOW: You get off on it. (moving closer) That's why you had a mad-on for the Slayer. She was your big O, wasn't she, Warren?
WARREN: (still trembling) Are you done yet? Or can we talk some more about our feelings?
Cut to another part of the forest. Anya walks along, with Buffy and Xander following.
BUFFY: What's happening? What do you feel?
ANYA: She's stronger now. Close.
XANDER: What about Warren? Has she-
ANYA: He's still alive. She's not done. Cut back to Warren and Willow. He's getting desperate now.
WARREN: (yells) Help! (normal voice) Let me go. (yells) Somebody! Help!
WILLOW: What's the matter? Thought you wanted to talk.
WARREN: No.
WILLOW: Okay. Willow opens her hand, revealing the bullet that she took from Buffy's chest earlier.
WILLOW: I'll talk. She waves her other hand, and Warren's shirt rips open.
WARREN: What, what are you doing?
WILLOW: Shhh.
WARREN: (seriously freaked) Hey, hey, I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry. Willow holds the bullet about an inch from Warren's chest, right over his heart. She lets go, but the bullet continues to hover in place.
WILLOW: Wanna know what a bullet feels like, Warren? A real one? (Warren looking nervously down at the bullet, then up at her) It's not like in the comics.
WARREN: No. No.
WILLOW: I think you need to. Feel it. The bullet slowly starts to push its way into Warren's chest.
WARREN: Oh god! Stop it!
WILLOW: It's not going to make a neat little hole. First, it'll obliterate your internal organs. Your lung will collapse. Feels like drowning.
WARREN: (strained) Please! No. Warren is clearly in a lot of pain as the bullet continues penetrating his body.
WILLOW: When it finally hits your spine, it'll blow your central nervous system.
WARREN: Oh please, stop, god! Please-
WILLOW: (angrily) I'm talking! Willow lifts a hand and suddenly Warren's lips are sewn shut with large stitches of thread. He can only groan and whimper.
WILLOW: The pain will be unbearable, but you won't be able to move. Bullet usually travels faster than this, of course. But the dying? It'll seem like it takes forever. She pauses, as if affected by her own words, looking at the little wound on Warren's chest. Warren just grunts and squeezes his eyes shut in pain.
WILLOW: Something, isn't it? (pensively) One tiny piece of metal destroys everything. (Warren groaning loudly) It ripped her insides out ... took her light away. From me. From the world. Now she looks Warren in the eye again, re-focusing. He continues trembling, groaning in pain and fear.
WILLOW: Now the one person who should be here is gone ... and a waste like you gets to live. Another shot of the bullet hole in Warren's chest.
WILLOW: Tiny piece of metal. Can you feel it now? Warren continues whimpering in pain.
Cut to the others still walking.
ANYA: Over there. She leads them off to the left. Cut back to Warren and Willow. He continues grunting through his sewn-shut mouth.
WILLOW: I said, can you feel it? She waves her hand and the stitches disappear.
WARREN: Please! God! I did wrong, I see that now. I need, I need jail! I need ... But you, you don't want this. You're, you're not a bad person. Not like me. Willow stares at him.
BUFFY: (O.S.) Willow! Willow looks over. The others are visible a few hundred feet away, rushing toward her.
WARREN: Oh, and when you get caught, you'll lose them too. Your friends. (panting) You don't want that. I know you're in pain, but-
WILLOW: Bored now. Willow makes a casual gesture with one hand. A bolt of magic rips through Warren and tears the skin off his body in a single piece. Anya, Buffy, and Xander arrive just in time to see this.
XANDER: Oh my god. Warren's skinless body sags against the vines that still hold him. Very icky. Willow stands looking at it.
BUFFY: (shocked) What did you do? Willow continues looking at the lifeless body.
BUFFY: Willow, what did you do? Willow looks over at her friends, then back at the body. Suddenly it bursts into flame and burns to nothing in an instant.
WILLOW: (calmly) One down. Smoke begins to curl up around Willow's body as red fire flashes in her eyes again. Lightning flashes as her whole body dissipates into smoke and is gone. The others stand there staring in horror. Blackout.
Executive Producers: Joss Whedon and Marti Noxon. | Plan: A: Tara; Q: Who is Willow told cannot be resurrected? A: the edge; Q: What is Willow pushed over by her grief? A: Warren; Q: Who does Willow hunt down after saving Buffy? A: town; Q: Where is Warren trying to escape? A: her friends; Q: Who tried to stop Willow from killing Mears? Summary: Willow, after being told Tara cannot be resurrected, is pushed over the edge by her grief. After magically saving Buffy, a vengeful Willow hunts down Warren, who desperately tries to escape town. Though her friends try to stop her, Willow tracks down Mears and brutally murders him by flaying him and burning him alive with her magic. |
At a music place in the mall
Sean: Have you seen this? This is MC Terminal. Drives up onstage in a (something). It's sick.
Jay: We need this disc.
Sean: It's $50. It's an import.
Jay: Hold on. I've got discount cards.
Sean: You've got discount cards?
Jay: Yeah two. They get me 100% off everywhere.
(They each take the discs and put them in their hoodies.)
Security Guard: You boys forget to pay for something?
Sean: Well we were just about to ...
Jay: Go!
Security Guard: Hey get back here!
(Jay and Sean start running away and a security guard puts out his arms to stop them as they run basically right into him.)
At Sean's house
Sean: So some rent a cop banned me from the mall. Big deal.
Tracker: It is a big deal Sean because they could have called the real cops.
Sean: I know. I was lucky.
Tracker: You've been off probation for what like a month now? This is how you celebrate, by pulling a stunt like this? That guy um Jay, he talked you into doing this?
Sean: What? No! No...
Tracker: I know guys like him Sean. All right? He's bad news and you're gonna have to cut him lose.
Sean: He's my best friend...ok dad! (phone rings)
Tracker: Yeah hello? Hold on a second. (Looks at Sean pouring chocolate milk) What kind of breakfast is that huh?
Tracker: Yeah go ahead, sorry. I thought you said the job was filled. How much is it? Absolutely! At school, in a classroom
Liberty: So JT...got a date for the semiformal?
JT: Why? Are you propositioning me, Liberty?
Liberty: No such luck. I'm very taken. (Showing a notebook filled with pictures of her and Towerz)
JT: Oh well that's good. He's getting some practice for the mug shot.
Liberty: As a more experienced dater I'd like to offer you some words of advice.
JT: This should be good.
Liberty: Ask Manny to the semiformal!
JT: Yeah right. She doesn't like me -that- way.
Liberty: Wanna bet? (JT smiling and looking at Manny) At the auto shop classroom
Ellie: Incredible. Really you've re-written the book on...what is it again?
Sean: An intake manifold?
Ellie: Sorry what I know about cars could be written on the head of a pin.
Sean: Hopefully Mr. Ehl agrees with you. About the project I mean... It's worth 50%.
Ellie: No wonder you spend so much time on it.
Sean: Hey. (Pulls her back and kisses her while Amy and Alex give disgusted looks)
Amy: What's he see in that bloodless freakbag?!
Alex: Amy, you broke up with him. At the booth selling tickets at school
JT: Two please.
Spinner: Two? Heh. Aw JT finally gets a girl of his own, unless the other ticket is for Toby.
JT: No close though, Raditch actually. We really hit it off. (Looks at Manny walking by)
Spinner: JT. That's not Raditch, but way better choice if you're looking to get some.
JT: What?! What?
Spinner: Well you gotta figure...Manny with her history.
JT: Spinner how would you like it if people talked about Paige like that?
Spinner: They don't uh 'cause Paige isn't a slut and she doesn't go at it with other people's boyfriends.
Spinner: Look JT I didn't mean to get all up in your fries. Just don't fall too hard for a girl like Manny. She's got a reputation for a reason. At Sean's house where everything's being packed up in boxes
Tracker: It's awesome.
Sean: Hey I'm Sean, I live here?
Tracker: Hey bro! Come here! (hugs him) Crazy day bro. Do you uh remember the oil drilling job out in Alberta? Well the first guy. He like bailed at the last second.
Sean: Yeah
Tracker's Girlfriend: So Tracker got it. Isn't that awesome?
Tracker: Pays big. We're gonna be living like kings. The only problem is we gotta be there by yesterday. So we gotta go.
Sean: Exams are starting. I'd lose my year.
Tracker: Yeah I know. I'm sorry I wish there was something else we could do.
Sean: Tracker I repeated grade 7, I'm not repeating grade 9.
Tracker: And I can't leave you here alone. Either come with us to Alberta or I could drop you in Wasaga.
Sean: No. No I'm not living with mom and dad.
Tracker: And I'm not sitting around watching you end up in prison with your stupid friend. So that's it. End of story. Alberta here we come. At school, in the hallway
Amy: Hey Sean, what's up?
Sean: Nothing. (As he just walks right by her)
Ellie: Hey, what's wrong?
Sean: I'm moving tomorrow to Alberta.
Ellie: What!?
Sean: We have to break up.
(Ellie turns and runs away.)
In the auto shop classroom
Jay: Sup dawg, ever gonna finish that thing? (Accidentally makes Sean cut himself on his project)
Sean: Look what you made me do!
Jay: Maybe if you weren't such a goof.
(Sean pushes Jay.)
Jay: Hey man I was joking! Psycho!
(Sean knocks a bunch of things off the table.)
Mr. Ehl: Sean!
Mr. Ehl: Alright, tell me what's going on.
Sean: My brother got a job in Alberta and I'm moving tomorrow.
Mr. Ehl: That threatens the school year.
Sean: So? Think I care?
Mr. Ehl: Yeah, you told me you were going to be the first person in your family to graduate high school.
Sean: Yeah well whatever. It's pointless.
Mr. Ehl: What about student welfare.
Sean: Yeah right. Cause they're lining up to give guys like me money.
Mr. Ehl: If you keep decent grades and get a trustee to sign all your paperwork.
Sean: My own parents aren't there for me man.
Mr. Ehl: Then I will be.
Sean: Mr. Ehl you barely know me.
Mr. Ehl: Sean I was the first person in my family to graduate. I know more than you think.
At Sean's house
Tracker: C'mon bro. Give me a hand here.
Tracker: Ok I know you don't wanna go. I don't wanna leave either buddy. This is a great opportunity man. I'm doing you a favor. It's a fresh start.
Sean: I don't want a fresh start. I wanna stay here. Right where I am.
Tracker: I'm sorry but you can't.
Sean: Actually I can. I can collect student welfare. Live here. I don't need you.
Tracker: Ok. Rents being paid to the end of the month anyway. Finish your year but I'll tell you this, you're gonna be banging on my door before you know it bro. At school, in the hallway
Sean: Ellie.
Ellie: Guess this is it. I was thinking long distance relationships are brutal, but...
Sean: We don't have to worry about that.
Ellie: I love how you find this funny. *Hands her his student welfare form*
Ellie: You're staying?
Sean: Yeah!
Ellie: Woo! (Jumps up on him and they kiss) At Sean's house
(Shows Sean at his house eating chocolate cake and drinking chocolate milk, smiling.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
In a classroom
Liberty: So Manny, the semiformal draws near. Got a sari picked out?
Manny: No. I've got sweatpants and ice cream picked out cause I'm not going.
Liberty: I disagree.
Manny: You can't disagree. I'm not going. Besides it's not like anyone wants me there.
Liberty: I know someone who does.
Manny: K, it better not just be you.
Liberty: Negative. It's a certain shall we say friend of yours. *Looking at JT*
Manny: You mean JT? Well is he going to ask me?
Liberty: You didn't hear it from me. At the auto shop classroom
Alex: So the government pays you for nothing?
Sean: I gotta go to school, get good grades and I gotta get by on welfare. Does that sound like nothing?
Jay: Aw poor Sean. He has it so hard.
Amy: So can I come over sometime? (Putting her hand on his shoulder)
Sean: Yeah. Yeah you all can. It's not just my house, it's our house. At Sean's house, music playing, people dancing, people making out, Amy giving Sean/Ellie a glare while she drinks beer At school in the auto shop room, Mr. Ehl waking up Sean Back at Sean's house, him and Ellie sitting on the couch eating pizza with people walking in carrying booze At school, in the auto shop classroom
Mr. Ehl: Mr. Cameron. You seem to be making lateness a regular habit.
Sean: I'm sorry Mr. Ehl If it's about your exam I can do it in my sleep. It's not about my exam. It's about your other exams and your project. It's worth 50%, remember?
Sean: I'll get it done. I promise. Outside the school
(JT walks out holding the tickets and sees Craig sit down with Manny.)
At the ticket booth inside school
JT: Do you give refunds on these?
Manny: JT.
JT: Now isn't a very good time.
Manny: Um I heard you were going to ask me and I was waiting... JT.
JT: I saw you with Craig
Manny: And? We hadn't talked since...he was just making sure I was ok.
JT: Yeah right.
Manny: What, you think I was just gonna go off and have s*x with him because I'm that easy?
JT: Manny...
Manny: He was the one that was cheating on his girlfriend, ok? But no one ever talks about that do they? At Sean's house where Ellie and Sean are trying to study with lots of people partying in the background
Jay: Yo, Sean! Meet the Montreal crew.
Some guy: Sup man?
Ellie: You're going to be able to work?
Sean: I have to.
(Ellie gets up from the couch and Amy sits down next to Sean.)
Sean: Take it easy!
Amy: Hey Seanny. Wanna see a world famous Avril Lavigne impression?
Sean: Sure.
(Amy does a stupid impression and Sean just sort of smiles and looks away.)
Amy: You don't like me anymore.
Sean: Amy you dumped me.
Ellie: And he has a girlfriend.
Amy: Right and what are you, some kind of blood sucking vampire?
Ellie: Keep hitting on my boyfriend and you'll find out.
(As Amy goes off and drinks even more, falling all over the place.)
Some guy: What's your problem? (Pushes some other guy)
Sean: Hey! Outside! Jay!
Jay: Hey you heard him. (Tries to get them to go outside)
Sean: Thanks a lot Jay. Inviting the Montreal crew!
Jay: I am going to kick his-
Alex: Ahh! It's Amy! Something's really, really wrong.
(Everyone rushes to the bathroom where Amy is lying on the floor unconscious.)
Alex: Can't wake her up.
Sean: Ok. Somebody call an ambulance.
Jay: There goes your student welfare.
Ellie: It might be alcohol poisoning.
Jay: Look, maybe you've never been to a party but this happens. She's gonna be fine.
Sean: Man look at her. She is not going to be fine!
Outside Sean's house
(Amy is being taken away in a stretcher.)
Paramedic: Hey that's a good job calling us.
Jay: Well I hope you're happy 'cause you ground that party right to a halt. Whatever. The Montreal boys are bored. Where are we moving the party?
Sean: Nowhere. It's over.
Jay: Did your girlfriend decide that?
Sean: No she didn't. I did. The party's over.
Jay: You know I thought you were cool. You had me fooled.
Sean: I know the feeling.
Outside school
JT: Manny! Look I just wanted to apologize ok? I never thought anything bad about you!
Manny: JT save it.
JT: When I saw you with Craig I thought you still liked him. Look when I asked you out the first time you blew me off. I just, I was afraid that was going to happen again. I was an idiot ok, I admit that. I'm only going to ask you this once. I have two tickets to the semiformal. Will you go with me? Alright I lied. I'm going to ask you twice! Will you go with me? I warn you, I'm prepared to wait months if I have to. Well maybe not months. We'll miss the dance. (Manny smiling) Was that a yes? I heard a yes. Can we get a ruling on that?
Manny: JT, you're such a jerk!
JT: But uh you mean that in the best possible way right?
(He holds open the door for her and clicks his heels together in the air after she walks in.)
In the hallway
Jay: Amy ok?
Sean: She will be. In Mr. Ehl's office
Sean: Mr. Ehl, signed these forms...
Mr. Ehl: Bring it here.
Sean: Before you sign there's something I should tell you. I had a party and it sort of got out of hand. The cops were called. No charges or anything... If you don't wanna be my trustee anymore I understand.
Mr. Ehl: I have a feeling a lot of people have let you down Sean. I'm not gonna add my name to that list. But I'm not going to sign until you can convince me that the partying is over and that you're ready.
Sean: I am. I am Mr. Ehl.
(Mr. Ehl takes the paper and signs it.)
Sean: Thank you. Do you mind if I stick around? I have to finish my project.
Scenes for next week
(At the dance, everyone all dressed up and dancing.)
Dylan: I think its perfect Marco. (Hands on Marco's shoulders)
Voiceover: The end of the school year.
Jimmy: This is going to be a night we never forget.
Voiceover: Prom night at Degrassi.
Hazel: You got us a limo?!
(Shows the inside of the limo covered with garbage.)
Jimmy: I think there's been a mistake.
Voiceover: A night they wish they could forget.
(Shows some cops outside.)
Jimmy: You wanna pull up to the prom in a cop car?
Liberty: Fire!
(Shows a fire starting in the gym and then fire trucks pulling up outside.) | Plan: A: Sean's brother; Q: Who gets a job in Alberta? A: Sean; Q: Who wants to stay at Degrassi? A: student welfare; Q: What does Sean use to live by himself? A: jeopardy; Q: What happens to Sean's plan when his place becomes party central? A: the semiformal; Q: Liberty makes it her mission to get J.T. his dream date to what? Summary: Sean's brother gets a job in Alberta, but Sean wants to stay at Degrassi. He finds out that he can live by himself with student welfare, but that plan is in jeopardy when his place becomes party central. Meanwhile, Liberty makes it her mission to get J.T. his dream date to the semiformal, even if it's not her. |
THE ARMAGEDDON FACTOR
BY: BOB BAKER AND DAVE MARTIN
Part Two
Running time:23:56
[SCENE_BREAK]
DOCTOR: Yes, buried under that rubble.
ROMANA: Then we're trapped. There's no way out.
DOCTOR: There's always a way out, if only we can find it.
ROMANA: Yes, and if one has time. Those guard'll be after us any minute.
DOCTOR: Possibly, possibly. K9's watching our rear.
ROMANA: Shush, someone's coming.
DOCTOR: Oh, it's you.
MERAK: Where is she? Where's Astra?
ROMANA: We don't know.
DOCTOR: Just a minute, just a minute. Why do you want to know?
MERAK: I love her.
ROMANA: Oh.
DOCTOR: Ah. Oh. Oh, well, just before the Marshal arrested us, I did find somebody, and judging from the voice it was certainly a young woman.
MERAK: Where? Where?
DOCTOR: She was through there.
MERAK: That's a high radiation zone!
DOCTOR: No, no, no, wait a minute, wait a minute. I'll take a look.
DOCTOR: I can't see anything. K9, any sign of our pursuers?
K9: Negative, master. They went the other way.
DOCTOR: Good. Now listen, K9. K9, we want this door open, but be careful. There may be someone on the other side.
K9: Understood, master.
DOCTOR: Come on.
MERAK: What is it?
ROMANA: It's all right, he won't hurt you. He's with us.
MERAK: Who are you? Are you Zeons?
DOCTOR: No, no, no, of course not, but we're friendly. Don't worry about that. Romana?
ROMANA: Yes?
DOCTOR: Keep an eye out round the corner. Come here, Merak.
ROMANA: Right.
DOCTOR: Why would the Marshal want to get rid of Astra?
MERAK: The Marshal? What makes you think he's involved?
DOCTOR: Too many coincidences. Well?
MERAK: Astra and I were trying to make contact with the Zeons to try and make peace. The Marshal knows. He wants the war to go on, of course.
DOCTOR: Of course.
MERAK: How much longer?
K9: Twelve point two three seconds.
MERAK: Well, I knew I was in danger, but I thought Astra was safe. The Marshal always said that he needed her support, her influence with the people.
DOCTOR: Yes. Is there any other reason why the Marshal would want to get rid of her?
MERAK: None that I can think of, no.
K9: Ready, master.
DOCTOR: Good. Romana? Ready?
[SCENE_BREAK]
MERAK: She's not here.
DOCTOR: Anything?
ROMANA: Nothing.
MERAK: Here's something.
MERAK: Look, this is hers.
ROMANA: Then she was here.
DOCTOR: Yes.
K9: Danger, master. It is dangerous to remain in this environment.
MERAK: Astra, she must be here. She must be.
K9: Radiation levels excessive.
ROMANA: Look, Merak, we can't do anything by staying here.
MERAK: If Astra's been
ROMANA: No.
MERAK: Then I will stay with her.
DOCTOR: Merak, Merak. People aren't dissolved by radiation. You're a surgeon. You should know that. If she's not here, she must be somewhere else.
MERAK: Astra.
ROMANA: Come on, Merak, worrying won't help. Let's just get out of here before it's too late.
DOCTOR: K9. K9, keep an eye on that wall.
K9: Master.
[SCENE_BREAK]
DOCTOR: Merak, do you know if there's anything behind that room?
MERAK: Nothing but a recycling shaft. This area's been disused for years. Radiation leak.
DOCTOR: What?
ROMANA: Well, she can't have been there for very long, but how did she get out?
DOCTOR: They could have moved her while we were with the Marshal. They moved the guard's body. On the other hand.
ROMANA: On the other hand what?
DOCTOR: Well, on the other hand, anything's possible. Well almost. Merak, a recycling shaft? Recycling what, exactly?
MERAK: Scrap metal waste for the war effort. Everything metal gets put down the shaft to be recycled in the furnaces. Why?
DOCTOR: Oh, just general interest. Come on, let's go.
ROMANA: Where to?
DOCTOR: Well, if there's no way out there's only one thing to do.
ROMANA: What's that?
DOCTOR: Go back the way we came. I'd like to find out what that Marshal's really up to. Come on.
[SCENE_BREAK]
SHAPP: Ahem.
MARSHAL: Well?
SHAPP: We've got them on scan, sir. Surgeon Merak's with them.
MARSHAL: That traitor. And that machine of theirs?
SHAPP: No sign of it at the moment, sir.
MARSHAL: Have them picked up.
SHAPP: No need, sir. They're coming this way.
MARSHAL: That machine of theirs. Metal, would you say?
SHAPP: Partly, yes, sir.
MARSHAL: Recycle it, Shapp. Locate it and turn it into scrap, understood?
SHAPP: Yes, sir.
SHAPP: Got a fix on it now, sir. In K block.
MARSHAL: Get rid of it.
SHAPP: We've got the machine, sir. It's en route to the recycling furnace.
MARSHAL: Good. Shapp, when you find the others, treat them properly.
SHAPP: No softening up, sir?
MARSHAL: No, Shapp. No brutality.
SHAPP: Yes, sir.
MARSHAL: Not yet.
[SCENE_BREAK]
K9: Blaster inoperative. All other circuits undamaged. Temperature increasing.
[SCENE_BREAK]
MERAK: What are you doing?
ROMANA: Looking for something.
MERAK: What?
ROMANA: I wish I knew. All I know is that this will tell us when we find it.
MERAK: And that's why you're here?
ROMANA: Yes.
MERAK: Not to help us?
ROMANA: Look, we will if we can. You'll just have to trust us, Merak. Will you?
MERAK: What else can I do?
ROMANA: Tell me, apart from that circlet that Astra wears, is there anything else that she always wears or carries?
MERAK: Not that I can think of, no.
ROMANA: I see.
DOCTOR: Come on!
GUARD: You, stop! Take them. Come on, move.
DOCTOR: Where are we going?
GUARD: The Marshal wants to see you now.
DOCTOR: That's funny, I want to see the Marshal. Come on, let's move.
[SCENE_BREAK]
DOCTOR: So nice of you to invite us back.
SHAPP: Those two, wait over there. You, come with me.
DOCTOR: Listen, I don't think we've been properly introduced. I'm the Doctor. Who are you?
SHAPP: Major Shapp. This way.
DOCTOR: Ah, Marshal. I understand you've got a few problems and I was thinking that if you and I got together we, er, Marshal? Marshal? Is he all right?
SHAPP: Shush.
SHAPP: He's meditating.
DOCTOR: What? Does he do it often?
SHAPP: When things are not going well. He makes most of his decisions this way.
DOCTOR: No wonder thing's aren't going well. Standing in front of a mirror gimbling and smiling at himself like that is the first sign of megalomania. He's not a ventriloquist, is he?
SHAPP: A what?
DOCTOR: A ventriloquist. A chap who throws his voice, you know. Throws his voice. Has a dummy. Operates a dummy. A dummy. A dummy. A dummy, of course!
DOCTOR: Ah, Marshal.
MARSHAL: Welcome, my friend.
DOCTOR: Friend? The last time I came here, you wanted to shoot me.
MARSHAL: A misunderstanding. I apologise.
DOCTOR: Ah, well, fancy you mistaking me for a Zeon. Really, Marshal.
MARSHAL: I had forgotten.
DOCTOR: Forgotten?
MARSHAL: That you had been foretold. Your coming had been foretold.
DOCTOR: We had? You mean that we were expected?
MARSHAL: It's the war. This endless war occupied my thoughts to the exclusion of all else.
DOCTOR: Yes, I understand how you feel, Marshal.
MARSHAL: Now that you are here, you are the one.
DOCTOR: I am. Am I?
MARSHAL: The one who will lead us to victory.
DOCTOR: Oh, good-o. As long as there's no personal risk involved, of course.
MARSHAL: To halt the hated Zeons in their tracks, wipe their presence from our skies, and free this land, this world, this Atrios
DOCTOR: This blessed plot.
MARSHAL: Good, good. This blessed plot from the terrors of war and the evils of pestilence.
DOCTOR: Yes! No, I prefer the original.
MARSHAL: You, Doctor, you shall give us our victory.
DOCTOR: Yes. But listen, before I do, what happens if I don't?
MARSHAL: The question doesn't arise.
DOCTOR: Oh well, I'm very grateful for your confidence, Marshal. I'll see what I can manage. Er, we're not under arrest, then?
MARSHAL: Oh, my dear Doctor.
DOCTOR: Listen, I shall need to know the situation. The basic situation.
MARSHAL: Of course. Shapp?
SHAPP: We've located the Zeon fleet, sir.
MARSHAL: Then stand by to counterattack. Come, Doctor. Come, you shall see it all.
[SCENE_BREAK]
K9: Temperature unacceptable. Request further instructions. Master? Master?
[SCENE_BREAK]
MARSHAL: Now, Doctor, you shall see the mighty battlefleet of Atrios, the weapons that are available to you.
DOCTOR: Me?
MARSHAL: The new architect of our victory. Shapp, order the counterattack.
SHAPP: Yes, sir. Base to fleet, commence attack. Attack, attack, attack.
PILOT (OOV.): Closing. Closing. Range four thirty. Fire zero four. Hold on seven zero. Ranging, ranging. Target acquisition. Fire now. Report RDF and maintain attitude four three break zero six. Closing.
PILOT (OOV.): Closing. We have full combat state on all sectors.
DOCTOR: Six ships? Is that it? The mighty battlefleet of Atrios?
MARSHAL: It does the people no good to know the truth, Doctor. They live on hope, nothing else. It's been a long, hard struggle. Production is slow, losses are crippling, but we fight on. That's the main thing.
DOCTOR: Why?
MARSHAL: To win. What else? War is an expensive business, Doctor, but worth it. Now look. Look.
PILOT (OOV.): Zero to control, zero to control.
SHAPP: A hit, sir. A hit, confirmed.
MARSHAL: And another.
SHAPP: One of ours, sir. That's zero four, sir.
MARSHAL: And that?
SHAPP: Zero six, sir.
PILOT (OOV.): Power loss on main guide system. Blue leader, attack, attack.
SHAPP: Shall I pull them out?
MARSHAL: Never.
PILOT (OOV.): Zero three, answer, answer.
MARSHAL: Press home the attack.
PILOT (OOV.): Request permission to abandon ship. Zero three, answer, answer.
SHAPP: Zero two's gone, sir.
MARSHAL: What in the name of Atrios is the matter with them all? Why? Why?
PILOT (OOV.): Permission to use escape module.
SHAPP: It's inexperience, sir. Brave but barely trained. The best crews went a long time ago.
PILOT (OOV.): Immediate reply. Request permission to use escape pod.
MARSHAL: Pull them out.
SHAPP: All units disengage. All units disengage.
PILOT (OOV.): Break off. Break off action. Break off immediately. Break off.
MARSHAL: Three ships left out of a once proud battlefleet of hundreds. Three. You see now why we need your help. We must have the weapon that will wipe the Zeons clear of our skies once and for all. Can you provide it?
DOCTOR: Yes, I think so.
MARSHAL: What is it?
DOCTOR: Peace.
MARSHAL: Very funny. How can we have peace until we have the ultimate deterrent that will ensure a lasting peace?
DOCTOR: Tell me, Marshal. If you had this ultimate deterrent, what would you do?
MARSHAL: Use it, of course. Make sure it works.
DOCTOR: Yes, well, you have a true military mind, Marshal.
MARSHAL: Thank you.
DOCTOR: I'll tell you what I'll do. You help me find the S, you help me find the Princess Astra and I'll knock you up a deterrent. How's that?
MARSHAL: I like you, Doctor.
[SCENE_BREAK]
K9: Overheating. Overheating.
[SCENE_BREAK]
DOCTOR: Oh yes, I think I can do something for you.
MARSHAL: It must be the ultimate deterrent.
DOCTOR: Oh, it will be, it will be. A sort of parasol affair.
MARSHAL: What?
DOCTOR: Well, a sort of umbrella forcefield, you know, that no Zeon ship can penetrate.
MARSHAL: Oh, so we can attack, they can't retaliate.
DOCTOR: Well, not quite. I mean, they can't get in but you can't get out.
MARSHAL: Then how do we win?
DOCTOR: Well, I mean
MARSHAL: We must have victory.
DOCTOR: Well, there's always a snag, I mean, but I'll work on it. Look, I'll need K9.
MARSHAL: K9?
DOCTOR: Yes, my computer. The one you thought was a weapon.
MARSHAL: Well, Shapp?
SHAPP: It's too late, sir. It's on the way to the furnace.
DOCTOR: Furnace? What furnace?
SHAPP: Recycling. We recycle all scrap.
DOCTOR: Scrap! Where is this furnace? Where is this furnace?
[SCENE_BREAK]
K9: Closing down.
[SCENE_BREAK]
MARSHAL: Close down the furnace.
SHAPP: I already have, sir.
MARSHAL: The Doctor must not die. Not yet.
SHAPP: It takes weeks to cool down, sir.
MARSHAL: The Doctor must not die!
SHAPP: There'll be nothing left but slag and clinker. I'm sorry, sir.
MARSHAL: Sorry? Sorry?
ROMANA: Oh! Oh, K9, are you all right?
K9: Affirmative, mistress.
DOCTOR: Warm for the time of the year. It's a little trick I picked up from the fire-walkers in Bali. They do it all the time. Come on, old boy.
[SCENE_BREAK]
MARSHAL: He's not even singed, My apologies, Doctor.
DOCTOR: Oh, that's all right. We all make mistakes sometimes, don't we, K9?
K9: Negative.
DOCTOR: Yes, now listen, Marshal. If you're going to insist we do this your way
MARSHAL: I do.
DOCTOR: I thought you might. Now listen. If we're going to set up a one-way forcefield, one that keeps the Zeons out but allows you to pass through it to attack them, we're going to have to get to know our enemy, so to speak.
MARSHAL: What do you mean?
DOCTOR: I was thinking in terms of a psychological barrier. It's cheap, efficient and energy saving, and it would stop the Zeons wanting to come here. Introduce an element of Atrophobia?
ROMANA: Oh, what a brilliant idea!
MARSHAL: Go on.
DOCTOR: Yes, but to that I'd have to meet one, you see, get to know it. Brain patterns, that sort of thing. Isn't that right, Romana?
ROMANA: Oh, absolutely. There's no other way.
DOCTOR: Now, Marshal, can you arrange that?
MARSHAL: No, Doctor.
DOCTOR: Look, it doesn't have to be anything particularly intelligent. Any prisoner would do.
MARSHAL: There are no prisoners. This is war to the death. Like us, the Zeon warriors are sworn to destroy themselves. Death before dishonour.
DOCTOR: Well, if you can't find me a Zeon, I'll have to think of something else.
MARSHAL: Time is running short, Doctor.
ROMANA: How right you are. Any news of Astra?
MARSHAL: Intelligence reports suggest that she's been abducted by Zeons. If that's the case then I'm afraid
DOCTOR: Quite, quite, Marshal. Marshal, would you excuse us please?
MARSHAL: Certainly.
DOCTOR: Thank you.
SHAPP: Marshal. Zeon fleet closing again.
ROMANA: Doctor, when you went into the furnace after K9, the Marshal almost went berserk at the thought you might be killed.
DOCTOR: He did? How very considerate of him.
ROMANA: No, it wasn't. Because what he said was, the Doctor must not die. Not yet.
DOCTOR: What?
ROMANA: And listen, I saw something at his throat like a little black cylinder.
DOCTOR: What, a device of some sort? Something you weren't meant to see?
ROMANA: Yes, yes, I'm sure of it.
DOCTOR: A control device?
ROMANA: Yes. If the Marshal's a puppet, who's pulling the strings?
DOCTOR: Yes, and what's behind that mirror he's so fond of looking at?
MERAK: Questions, questions.
ROMANA: Shush.
MERAK: And no answers.
MERAK: We're no closer to finding Astra or whatever it is you're looking for. Well, are we?
DOCTOR: Merak, I believe we're closer to finding Princess Astra than we realise. What worries me is, are we supposed to?
ROMANA: A trap.
DOCTOR: Who's pulling the wool over who's eyes? Are we supposed to fall for the Marshal's bluff or is he supposed to fall for our?
MERAK: Listen, Doctor, you said a minute ago that we were close to finding Astra. Please tell me where she is or where you think she is.
DOCTOR: It wouldn't make any difference. Even if I told you, you couldn't reach her.
MERAK: Why not?
DOCTOR: Because I think that Astra's on Zeos.
ROMANA: Doctor, you're forgetting something. We haven't been able to locate Zeos, not from the TARDIS or from anywhere.
DOCTOR: Zeos is there all right, it's just you can't see it.
ROMANA: Why not?
DOCTOR: Can you see me now?
ROMANA: No.
DOCTOR: Why not?
ROMANA: Because your hand's in. Oh, you mean there's something between us and Zeos.
DOCTOR: Right.
ROMANA: That would account for the orbital shift. But why can't we see whatever's in the way?
DOCTOR: Because it's absorbing the light or energy. Or else it's camouflaged.
ROMANA: Yes.
DOCTOR: No, no, no. Maybe it's large, or perhaps its small.
ROMANA: How can you be so sure?
DOCTOR: How could Columbus be so sure.
ROMANA: Who?
DOCTOR: Never mind about that.
MERAK: But Astra said that she couldn't get a signal back from Zeos. Where do we start?
DOCTOR: Behind that mirror over there. There's bound to be another entrance. You and Romana go over there and see what you can find.
ROMANA: Right.
MARSHAL: Reinforcements!
SHAPP: There aren't any, sir.
MARSHAL: Deploy the reserves!
SHAPP: I already have, sir.
MARSHAL: Then we're defenceless.
SHAPP: Yes, sir. We've thrown everything we can at them and still they keep coming.
MAN (OOV.): Fire in section seven.
MARSHAL: This could be the last battle, Shapp.
MAN (OOV.): No response, level three.
SHAPP: Yes, sir.
MAN (OOV.): Collapse in eight.
MARSHAL: Where's that Doctor?
DOCTOR: Here.
MAN (OOV.): No response level fourteen.
MARSHAL: Can we have that forcefield now? We've committed everything. We're being obliterated. We've nothing left. It's our last hope.
DOCTOR: No, no, no, no. I've worked it all out.
MAN (OOV.): Radiation levels
DOCTOR: The problem is energy. If we're using energy to neutralise mass, which is all a forcefield is, we need enough energy or power erg-wise to counteract the Zeon bombardment mass-wise
MARSHAL: So, I'll give you absolute energy priority.
DOCTOR: It won't work. Look, K9's worked it all out.
K9: Affirmative. The more you use, the more you need. You'd have to consume the whole of Atrios to give it an effective forcefield.
DOCTOR: Which rather defeats the purpose.
MARSHAL: Why?
DOCTOR: Because you wouldn't have a planet to live on.
MARSHAL: Then we are defenceless.
DOCTOR: No, no, not quite, not quite. You remember I mentioned a psychological barrier, a deterrent that no Zeon would cross?
MARSHAL: Yes, but you need Zeons to experiment on.
DOCTOR: No, I think I said examine.
MARSHAL: There are no Zeons.
DOCTOR: There are on Zeos.
MARSHAL: What exactly are you proposing?
DOCTOR: I go to Zeos, pick up a Zeon, and bring the Princess Astra back if she's there.
ASTRA (on screen): People of Atrios, lay down your arms. Surrender. Resistance is useless. The Zeons can never be defeated. They have taken me captive. My people, my people, they have sworn to destroy Atrios unless you surrender now. If you love me, my people, save me. Save yourselves. Hand over the Marshal and surrender. Surrender now. The war is over. The Zeons
MARSHAL: This forcefield. Can you provide it now? Will it give us breathing space?
DOCTOR: Yes, it'll give you time to save your neck.
DOCTOR: Well?
MARSHAL: You may go to Zeos. There is a way.
[SCENE_BREAK]
MERAK: It's the Marshal.
ROMANA: It's a two-way mirror.
MERAK: What's that?
ROMANA: Shush.
MARSHAL: It's done. The Time Lord suspects nothing. I've directed him to the transmat point in K block where your agents will be waiting.
ROMANA: Time Lord? How does he know?
MERAK: What?
ROMANA: Shush.
MARSHAL: My lord, once you have the secrets of time, please, give me my victory. I've waited so long. Please, my lord.
MERAK: He said K block. Astra was in K block.
ROMANA: We'd better warn the Doctor. Come on.
[SCENE_BREAK]
DOCTOR: You know, K9, I've got a feeling we're missing out on something. Are you listening to me, K9?
K9: Master.
DOCTOR: Listen. Why should the Marshal, leader in a war against Zeos, be the only one to know of a transmatter link with the enemy planet? And why should he tell me? I think one of us is being extremely stupid.
K9: Affirmative.
DOCTOR: Come on.
[SCENE_BREAK]
DOCTOR: Well, good luck, K9. I hope to see you again soon.
K9: Master, I do not advise entry of that
DOCTOR: Shush. K9, can I take the decisions, please? Good luck. I'll see you again soon.
ROMANA: Doctor! Doctor, wait! Oh, no. K9, it was a trap.
[SCENE_BREAK]
DOCTOR: A trap?
[SCENE_BREAK]
ROMANA: Doctor! Doctor. | Plan: A: Romana; Q: Who is the Doctor with when he tries to escape the Marshal? A: their TARDIS; Q: What is buried under a pile of rubble? A: Zeos; Q: What alien race attacked the TARDIS? A: a unknown source; Q: Who may have kidnapped someone? Summary: When the Doctor and Romana work to escape they Marshal, they not only discover that their TARDIS has been buried underneath a pile of rubble from a recent Zeos attack, but also they discover someone who may be trapped and kidnapped by a unknown source. |
[ Flashback: Southern France, 1002 A.D. ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Klaus (V.O.): In the beginning, we were so naive. Our mother had made us into beasts that fed on blood, but immortality was beyond our grasp, compulsion a trick we had yet to learn.
Klaus (V.O.): All we knew was a fear of being hunted. That and a terrible hunger.
Klaus (V.O.): So we ran... as a family... and when we needed to... as a family... We fed.
(Neighing)
Elijah: Kol, are you quite done?
Kol: Ahh. Oh, bother, Elijah! Is all of this truly necessary?
Elijah: Brother, the road is a major thoroughfare. If the bodies are found, word of our presence will spread to Mikael.
Rebekah: We have run through autumn and winter, through sleet and snow. Are we cursed to forever live in fear of our father?
Finn: I should say yes sadly.
Elijah: Finn, please. Niklaus.
Rebekah: Do we have any idea where we're running to next?
Kol: Why not just do what we've all thought of doing? Split up!
Klaus: We swore a vow!
Kol: Your vows haunt me more than father himself! At least he can't chase us all. I say we take our chances.
Finn: Perhaps Kol is right.
Kol: Thank you, Finn! Yeah, I've always said eldest is the most intelligent.
Finn: Stop talking!
Finn: I take no Joy in our assent, but I do wish to sleep in a bed, to bathe in a bath, to feed of proper food.
Elijah: No, brother. Niklaus is right. We made a vow.
Elijah: Family above all.
Elijah: Always... forever.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Present day - Mikaelson Compound ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Klaus: Always and forever indeed.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Freya (V.O.): "My dear Rebekah... I hope this finds you well. I write to offer an update and to ask your advice. Our brothers remain at odds. Klaus will never apologize, not for the blood he shed, nor the suffering Hayley continues to endure... And Elijah cannot forgive him."
Freya (V.O.): "Despite my efforts, we are a house divided... Which is not to say I have no good news. Niklaus kept his word. Marcel controls the quarter. There he has founded a fight gym in the old St. Anne's church, where he tests the mettle of those who wish to join his vampire community. Elijah has begun joining him for sparring. I believe it helps him work through his anger... And he has much anger."
(Hope crying)
Freya (V.O.): "While Hope continues to flourish, it is clear that she misses her mother. Though Niklaus remains the doting father, he has been of no help in finding a cure for Hayley's curse." Despite my best efforts, I have yet to find a means to undo the spell placed on her and the crescent wolves, and Hayley herself continues to struggle, unable to see her child except once a month on a full moon... And we're in no position to ask for outside help."
Marcel: Can you just help me out?
Davina: No. Witches don't do favors for vampires, including daylight rings. Those are the rules.
Marcel: An act of good faith will help keep the peace.
Davina: The ninth ward coven thinks I'm a vampire sympathizer. I won't prove them right. You're on your own.
Freya (V.O.): "Davina's rage at our family has only grown, and as regent of all covens, she's far too formidable to be swayed. Meanwhile, Niklaus has begun to see Camille for what he calls their little chats. He claims a desire to ammend his ways. In truth, he seems utterly free of remorse... around in his blood, and that was the end of that.
Freya (V.O.): "Which only drives Elijah further away. I wonder if you would write me with any advice you have on how to heal their fractured bond. Until then, I remain your loving sister Freya."
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ New Orleans art gallery ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Klaus: Camille! Thanks for coming.
Cami: Why did you ask me to meet you here?
Klaus: Well, I had hoped we might have one of our little chats, and I thought you might appreciate the change of venue, so I'm allowing you a private tour of my exhibition.
Cami: These are yours?
Klaus: I spent the better part of a millennia trying not to draw my father's attention, and now he's dead, and all those who stood against me have been vanquished. I see no reason the fruits of my labor should go unappreciated.
Cami: I didn't come here to appreciate art. If you want to talk about your progress as a person striving for empathy, fine. If not, I'll go.
Klaus: Have I offended you?
Cami: I agreed to see you professionally, but I was very clear when I set our boundaries, and they don't include private art shows.
Klaus: Oh. Well, then, perhaps you prefer to escort me to tomorrow's opening?
Cami: Call me if you want to talk.
Cami: Wait. You're worried no one else will come. Rebekah's gone, Marcel's angry, Elijah won't even look at you. You'll be alone.
Cami: You're scared because the people you love are angry with you. Maybe you need to think about that.
(Cell phone chimes)
Cami: I have to go.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Rue de Main, French Quarter ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Vincent: Ok. The thing you got to understand is me and Nola PD got a relationship that goes back to that nastiness with my ex-wife. I'm their expert in anything that seems occult, and every so often, they come across the aftermath of some black magic, and they call me in.
Detective: Is this your friend, the shrink?
Detective: Fantastic.
Will: Will Kinney, detective, homicide.
Cami: Cami O'Connell, bartender, part-time shrink.
Cami: Why am I here?
Will: Vince, show her the body. We'll see if she can do what you said she can do.
Vincent: So the cops want a psychological profile, and given what we've found, I'd say this is your area of expertise.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Mikaelson Compound ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Freya: She's getting bigger by the second.
Elijah: Thank you for all of your care.
Freya: Tomorrow's the full moon. I can help you bring Hope to Hayley, if you'd like.
Elijah: That won't be necessary. You deserve a night off.
Klaus: I'd offer to accompany you myself, but I fear my fragile ego could not endure the litany of insults Hayley has no doubt prepared.
Elijah: Yes, I doubt that your presence is particularly welcome anywhere.
Klaus: My own brother, greeting me with such disdain!
Klaus: What do you think, Freya? Is he still angry for my part in Hayley's curse? Need I remind him it was my ploy that kept her alive?
Elijah: But of course. Forgive me. So, you would call this an act of heroism, even as you bask in her torment?
Klaus: Perhaps I'd be more sympathetic if Hayley apologized. After all, it was her that tried to run off with my daughter.
Freya: Oh, if you two must poke at one another, may I suggest doing it elsewhere?
Freya: Nicely done. At this rate, you'll drive the entire family away.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Flashback: Southern France, 1002 AD ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Kol: Who's ready for the next course?
Finn: You're all filthy gluttons.
Kol: And you remain ever the dullard.
Rebekah: Oh, such pretty clothes. What a shame they'll go to waste.
Elijah: Rebekah, we have discussed this endlessly.
Rebekah: No. You've discussed this. None of us had any say in the matter! This lot were traveling somewhere. Their car is full of silks and finery. Five of them, five of us. Wherever they were off to, why could we not simply go in their stead?
Elijah: Masquerade as nobles from a land we do not know, whose customs we cannot begin to understand? Ridiculous!
Rebekah: You saw the castle down the road. It was practically a gala. If this bunch were headed there, then... Look at them. They're not any better than we are. We could live as they do, at least for a time.
Rebekah: Think of it, Elijah, we can hide in plain sight. We could live ordinary lives.
Elijah: Silence.
Rebekah: Well, aren't you a handsome one?
Kol: Looks like dessert to me.
Lucien: No! Wait, wait, wait! I can help you!
Lucien: Now I am... I am the personal servant to the Count de Martel of the very estate you just mentioned. I wa... I was sent to escort these guests to his home for a lengthy stay. I know their customs, as... as well as the count's habits. If you mean to pose as the family you have slaughtered here, then you'll need my help to carry out your ruse.
Rebekah: Please can we keep him?
Elijah: Rebekah, no. What is our most important rule?
Rebekah: Never leave alive someone who...
Finn, Elijah, Klaus, & Kol: .. has seen what we are.
Elijah: Thank you very much. A practice that has served us very well indeed.
Finn: She has a point. He may be of use.
Kol: Ah, a proper family squabble.
Klaus: Perhaps we should put it to a vote. All those in favor of letting him live?
Kol: Those inclined to gut him?
Kol: Well, Nik... What shall it be?
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Present day - New Orleans penthouse apartment ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Realtor: It's a no-brainer really. This penthouse is equipped with all the luxuries money can buy, and while the asking price may seem daunting, rest assured that your view of New Orleans will be second to none.
Lucien: I do like it. And as for the price, well, nothing of worth comes without sacrifice, wouldn't you agree?
Realtor: Mr. Castle.
Lucien: Please. Call me Lucien.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Rue de Main, the French Quarter ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Cami: I'm no forensic psychologist, but whoever did this took their time. He bled a lot, which means he was alive, but it's like he just stood here.
Cami: These ropes are just for display. He wasn't bound, there are no marks on his wrists, no signs of struggling or clawing.
Vincent: He was compelled, Camille. Maybe rich boy pissed off the wrong vampire.
Will: How are you guys doing over here? Tell me you got something.
Cami: It seems methodical, precise. The wounds may have a special meaning for the killer. Not a formal ritual but intentional... And the things we do on purpose we tend to repeat.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Lafayette Cemetery ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Davina: Thank you for coming. I spent the night consulting our ancestors. They say we must remain strong and to defend our homes, but for now, no covens are to expand into gentilly.
Davina: This decision is to keep us from a violent turf war with the vampires, and it's final.
Davina: Excuse me, Kara. I did not dismiss you. Do not walk away from me.
Kara: Per se qui e fracta toi, per se qui e total toi.
Davina: Detere se deforum, detere se deforum.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ St. Anne's Church ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Marcel: Gnarly stuff.
Vincent: Yeah. The guy was torn apart. I mean, there are no obvious puncture wounds, but whoever did that had to be a vampire.
Cami: And no one heard any screams, so he must have been compelled to just stand there and suffer.
Marcel: You think this was us? My guys know better than to leave a body in the streets.
Vincent: Yeah? Well, how well do you know your guys?
Marcel: Dead bodies lead to headlines, which means tourism drops. We don't like to mess with the food supply.
Cami: Marcel, maybe someone new lost control?
Marcel: Maybe you should consider that my guys aren't the only vampires in town.
Cami: You don't think this was Klaus.
Marcel: Elijah says Klaus has been on his best behavior. I've known the guy over 200 years. Best behavior ain't exactly his thing.
Marcel: Sooner or later, he'll cut loose. Or maybe, he already did.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ New Orleans art gallery ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Leon Bridges: ♪ ooh, ooh ♪ ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪ she was born in New Orleans ♪ ♪ New Orleans it's a derivative fiasco.
Art Critic: Little atmosphere, less technique. The work is nothing more than a celebratory ego trip.
Leon Bridges: ♪ Lisa Sawyer, circa 1963 ♪
Lucien: I wouldn't expect you to host an art show without compelling the critic to speak to your praise.
Klaus: And I wouldn't expect an uncultured savage to crash such a formal affair.
Lucien: Ah, not my usual scene, but that mouthy blood bag does have a point. Your work is derivative of Degas, I'd say. Of course, I happen to know that you compelled Degas to mentor you. I always thought his work improved after your influence.
Klaus: Finally, someone with an eye for art.
Lucien: Well, live long enough, you develop a taste for it, among other things.
Lucien: Speaking of which, can we please have a drink? I am quite parched.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ The Bayou ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Hunter 1: Hell of a spot for a picnic.
Elijah: Yes. If you can tolerate the mosquitoes, it's actually rather serene.
Elijah: Finger sandwich?
Hunter 1: Trouble is you're trespassing. This whole area is now property of Kingmaker Land Development. In two years, it's gonna be golf courses and condos.
Elijah: I take it you're not on the board of directors.
Hunter 1: No. My team and I are animal control. There's been an influx of wild predators. My boss pays top dollar to, uh, wipe them out.
Elijah: Wild predators?
Hunter 1: Wolves if you can believe it. Killed a half-dozen last night.
Hunter 1: This baby can take a head clean off.
Hunter 1: Hey. Anyway, um, I'm gonna have to ask you to clear out ASAP.
(Grunting)
Elijah: Call off your men. You leave this place and you seek another line of work. No more dead wolves.
Hunter 1: I'm an independent contractor. There are other teams out there. I don't have authority to...
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Flashback: Southern France, 1002 AD ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Lucien: There. See the Count de Martel? You address him as "Your Grace," all the other nobles as "milord," and when you speak to the count, you should speak of hunting. He loves his hawks and his hounds, and, um, bow deep, milady Rebekah. He also relishes a healthy cleavage.
Lucien: For God's sake, all of you, stop looking up.
Kol: Touch me again, and I'll tear your arm straight off.
Finn: Behave, Kol, or I'll bury you in the ground to rot.
Rebekah: This isn't going to work, is it?
Lucien: Just speak as we practiced and know that you look lovely, milady.
Klaus: Are you worried, brother?
Elijah: We're placing our lives in the hands of a stranger, Niklaus.
Count de Martel: Lucien, you were sent to fetch the Count de Guise.
Lucien: Indisposed, your grace. Gout. May I present his children? The Lords Finn, Niklaus, Elijah, and Kol. Also, the lovely Lady Rebekah.
Count de Martel: Your father never mentioned you to me in all our dealings.
Elijah: Yes. Your grace, do forgive us. Uh, father was forever distant with his travels, and, uh, we were largely raised by servants. However, I do know that father would consider it a glorious honor that we should be introduced to society by your noble hand, your grace.
Klaus: Your Grace, I look forward to hearing tales of your hunting escapades.
Klaus: May I present our sister?
Rebekah: Rebekah Du Guise de Rochefort en Seine. Charmed.
(Indistinct chatter)
Klaus: You've proven to be an immense help.
Lucien: Heh. Of course, milord.
Klaus: Though I must say you don't seem at all disturbed about leading us into your master's home.
Lucien: My master is a cruel drunkard who torments his minions for sport, beggars who seek succor, vassals who cannot pay a debt, like my own father.
Klaus: Ah.
Lucien: All these gentlefolk behind their silks and their jewels, they are slavers, killers. Whatever evil you are, you walk amongst greater evil still.
Lucien: What do I care if you kill the lot of them?
(Indistinct chatter)
Klaus: Who are they?
Lucien: Oh. They're the count's children, the lord Tristan and his sister the lady Aurora.
Klaus: She is exquisite.
Lucien: Yes. Um, as her brother is wicked. Might I suggest that you avoid them completely?
Klaus: Would she really be such a threat, even to one like me?
Lucien: The Lady Aurora doesn't need teeth to tear a man's soul out. One need only stare in her eyes and be lost.
Klaus: Ah.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Present day - St. James Infirmary ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Lucien: Oh, Kol... Kol was a bloody loon. Loved it. And Finn... oh, Finn. Finn... Finn was fine as long as you didn't actually have to speak to him.
Klaus: Have you spoken to her?
Lucien: Who?
Lucien: Oh, you mean her.
Lucien: As you well know, Aurora and I parted ways centuries ago.
Server: Champagne?
Cami: No, thanks.
Klaus: Please excuse me. There's someone I need to speak to.
Lucien: Hmm. Anyone tasty?
Klaus: Stay here and behave yourself.
Lucien: Always!
Klaus: Well, I suppose later is better than never, but you are late indeed.
Cami: I'm not here for the show. I have a problem, and you weren't answering your phone.
Cami: Who's the dirt bag eyeing me like I'm a rack of lamb? Old friend?
Klaus: Old acquaintance, nothing more.
Lucien: Old acquaintance? You wound me?
Cami: He can hear us? Is he...
Lucien: Hard of hearing? Quite the opposite, actually. A side effect I inherited from Nik.
Klaus: We can discuss my discourteous friend Lucien at our next little chat. For now, let's preserve your precious boundaries, shall we?
Cami: Someone tortured and killed a local, left the body right out in the open. I think it was a vampire.
Klaus: Yes. Well, vampire business is now Marcel's purview or Elijah's when he's not busy loathing me. By all means, check with them.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Rousseau's / The Bayou ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
♪ We get a second chance tonight ♪ ♪ We get a clean slate ♪ ♪ forget about the past tonight ♪ ♪ It's never too late ♪
Freya: Hello?
Elijah: Did I misinterpret the kind of exhibition you were attending?
Freya: I switched venues. Aren't you the one who said I deserved the night off?
Elijah: Forgive me. Someone needs to watch Hope. I have an errand to run.
Freya: How ominous. What errand?
Elijah: A necessary evil.
Elijah: I would rather my niece not bear witness.
Freya: Fair enough. Give me a minute. I have an idea.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ St. James Infirmary ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Lucien: Your pretty friend seems to have fouled your mood.
Lucien: Why don't we go out, paint the town red, et cetera, et cetera?
Klaus: Lucien... What are you really doing in my city?
Lucien: News has spread, old friend. Every vampire in the world knows you've been attacked, a number of times nearly killed.
Klaus: Oh. Well, I can assure you that all those who stood against me ended up either desiccated, dust, or dinner.
Lucien: Yes, but what if it had gone the other way, hmm? When Finn was killed, we all learned the truth... The life of every vampire is linked back to the original who begat the line. Kol's death confirmed it. Two entire lines of vampires wiped out. As you can imagine, the treat of it doesn't sit well with those of us that remain.
Klaus: Anyone fearing death as a result of my demise should come see me. I'll be happy to reassure them.
Lucien: Of course. Heh. You and your siblings are mighty indeed, yet the attacks on you do show that you are not completely invulnerable. While you've wallowed in your family affairs, your progeny have grown somewhat restless. The world is a finite place, territory limited, and even ancient vampires are not above vicious turf wars. What if I told you there's a growing conflict between the remaining 3 sire lines?
Lucien: Suppose one of them wanted to annihilate the other by killing Elijah, Rebekah, you?
Klaus: So, you came all this way to deliver a warning?
Lucien: Think about it. Kill an original, wipe out an entire line of competition. A tempting goal, made more so by the fact that your family is divided and thus weaker than you have ever been.
Klaus: My family is hardly weak. In fact, we are unkillable. The last of the white oak is gone.
Lucien: Are you so certain it's all gone, every last splinter of it banished for good?
Klaus: Lucien, if you had even the slightest inkling any fragment of white oak still existed, of course you would tell me.
Lucien: Easy, Nik. You are my sire. My fate is linked to yours. If you want to know what I do about the dangers you now face, trust me enough to come with me. There is something that you must see.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ St. Anne's Church ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Marcel: I'd ask if everything was ok, but you wouldn't be here if it were.
Davina: You know, I was bored out of my mind when I lived up here. I don't miss it, but things were a lot simpler. And at least I felt safe.
Marcel: What happened?
Davina: I was attacked. One of my own people tried to use a spell to ruin my hands. What's next, my eyes, my heart? They hate me. I knew that, but I didn't think they would just revolt.
Marcel: Witches in New Orleans have a habit of getting homicidal, alright? Why do you think I was so hard on them?
Davina: But I'm Regent. They should respect me. I didn't sign up for this.
Marcel: Sure you did. You chose to be their leader. The target on your back, it comes with the job.
Davina: So, what do I do?
Marcel: Say the word, all right? Me and my guys will...
Davina: You'll what? They see me siding with you against my own kind, I'll just be proving them right.
Marcel: "D," someone came at you. It might be one today, but if you sit back and do nothing, but tomorrow, there'll be more. You got to respond with a show of force. If not me, find another way, but it's got to be done.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ The Bayou ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Freya: Hello, sweetie. We'll have to excuse your auntie Freya. I've had a few big girl drinks tonight.
Hunter 2: What the hell are you doing?
Elijah: Oh, my goodness. Where are my manners? Permit me to explain.
(Man groaning)
Elijah: Lesson one of the hunt...
(Grunting)
Elijah: .. lay the bait.
Hunter 2 (Screaming): Ahhhhh!
Elijah: How precious. And just in time for lesson two.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Lucien's penthouse ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Elevator dings)
Lucien: Please excuse the mess. I've been entertaining.
Klaus: Well, you never were one for subtlety.
Klaus: Heh. You brought me here to have a seance?
Lucien: Something like that.
Lucien: I present my personal forecaster... The lovely Alexis.
Klaus: Don't tell me you're here to scry some future portents of my doom?
Lucien: Alexis is no back alley palm reader. She's an expert cipher of patterns, trends, cycles. She's extraordinary on the stock market and never fails to guess the winner of "the bachelorette."
Klaus: Touch forward, isn't she?
Alexis: I've heard so much about you, the famous hybrid. Your ancient heart beats strong indeed for someone in such danger.
Klaus: If you have a warning to deliver, luv, best get on with it.
Alexis: By all means, but if you want the most from the experience, I suggest you feed on me. As you do, I'll allow you into my mind.
Alexis: You can see for yourself.
Lucien: Come on. How long has it been since we shared a real drink?
Alexis (V.O.): Drink deep, but beware. What you broke is past repair. All your oaths you betray.
Alexis (V.O.): Your sacred vows you sever, and now you see that nothing lasts for always and forever.
Alexis (V.O.): 3 yet remain, 2 already crossed, yet in one year's time, you'll all be lost.
Alexis (V.O.): As your family is undone, you will seed the beast that is to come.
Klaus: Ohh! Do you think you can fool me with bad poetry and parlor tricks?
Alexis: My visions conjure from you. The threat you face will be more clear the longer I'm in your presence. Kill me, you'll never see what's coming.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ The Bayou ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Elijah: You will provide me with the precise location of every last one of those vulgar traps, as well as the routes used by any of your other men.
Hunter 3: I... I don't know.
Elijah: Hayley. Forgive me. I... I thought...
Crescent Wolf: I know who you thought I was.
Elijah: Do you know where she is?
Crescent Wolf: Judging by what these hunters did, the traps they set and the blood I saw, if she's not with her daughter, she's probably dead.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Cami's apartment ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Vincent: You seem pretty convinced Klaus had nothing to do with it. Now that only leaves...
Vincent: Thank you... A couple hundred vampires in the quarter.
Cami: That's the thing. Even if we figure out who killed this guy, then what? It's a vampire. What are the police gonna do?
Cami: We'd be sending the arresting officers to get slaughtered, and if we warned them, we get locked up for being insane.
Vincent: Yeah. That's New Orleans. Our city, our streets, not our fault, but it is our problem.
(Cell phone vibrating)
Cami: Hello?
Will: Hey, it's Kinney. Wanted to let you know you were right.
Will: It happened again. So, if you're not busy, I could use your brain.
Cami: Yeah, of course.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Lucien's penthouse ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Lucien: I told you. Something is coming. You'll need me.
Klaus: Aah! I am Klaus Mikaelson! I don't need anyone, nor will I be warned by lesser men! I am the thing lesser men fear!
Lucien: Then act like it... Ha ha... Instead of doting on your pretty human girls and pouting about your family's disapproval. Yes, you are Klaus Mikaelson! You are the most ruthless, wicked beast to ever live.
Lucien: I came here to remind you of that because, quite frankly, I've been worried that you've lost a step.
Klaus: I need no reminding of who I am. That truth has been clear to me for a thousand years.
Lucien: And in those years, you've acquired countless enemies, and with the sire lines at war, you now have mine, as well.
Lucien: Anyone who would kill me could now come after you, and since I have so many rivals and because I do not want to die, I beg you let me help you. From now on, I am the only one you can trust.
Klaus: I don't trust anyone.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ The Bayou ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ St. Anne's Church ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Vincent: I thought you said no vamp speed, Marcel?
Marcel: Come on, Vincent. If I move any slower, I'll be going in reverse.
Marcel: Oooh, fighting angry. Because they found that second dead body?
Marcel: You still think it's my guys. Huh?
Vincent: Don't matter what I think, Marcel. News breaks there's a killer loose in the quarter, tourism is gonna drop, and who are your vampires gonna feed on then? Locals? No.
Vincent: Not unless they want a war with the covens!
Marcel: Speaking of covens, you remember Davina, girl you were supposed to mentor?
Vincent: Ahh! I offered her my advice months ago. I told her to make peace at all cost, and she refused me. All right? That girl's got a bigger chip on her shoulder than you do.
(Both grunting)
Marcel: You got her into this. You should be helping her out. These witches keep messing with her, she's gonna get angry. You think that's gonna end well for anyone?
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Lafayette Cemetery ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Hayley: Huh?
(Sighs)
(Breathing heavily)
Hayley: What the hell am I doing here? Why am I trapped?
Davina: I used magic to draw you here and to keep you a captive audience.
Hayley: Davina, I need to see my daughter.
Davina: I'm sorry, but there's something I need you to do for me first.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Cami's apartment ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Cami: (Gasps) Who's there?
Klaus: You're on edge.
Cami: (Gasps) Ahh! And you're trespassing. You can't just come... I mean, Klaus, seriously.
Klaus: I didn't come here to quarrel. I came to offer you a gift, maybe in exchange for one of our little chats of which I'm in particular need, given as my brother doesn't bother to answer my calls, and now my old mate Lucien has swanned into town with all manner of troubling news.
Cami: Fine. If you want to talk it through, come back tomorrow.
Klaus: I'm afraid I need to talk about it now.
Cami: No. No! You don't get to just come into my house uninvited!
Klaus: Well, you already invited me in once, luv, so technically...
Cami: Don't do that. Don't be so flippant and self-absorbed.
Cami: Right now, people like me are out there getting killed by people like you, conveniently timed with the arrival of your old acquaintance, and you just barge in here and start mouthing off orders? I get it. You're a vampire. It's a tortured existence. I'm sorry, but do you really have to be such an insensitive disappointment?
Cami: Wait. That wasn't fair.
Klaus: Keep the gift. I painted it for you.
Cami: Klaus.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ French Quarter ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Klaus: Good evening. I wonder if we might discuss your analysis of my work.
(Klaus growls)
(Grunting)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Lucien's penthouse ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Buddhist Monastery ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Aurora: It won't be long now. | Plan: A: Months; Q: How long after the showdown with Dahlia did Klaus and Elijah's rift last? A: the powerful witch Dahlia; Q: Who did Klaus and Elijah have a showdown with? A: brothers Klaus; Q: Who is suspicious of Lucien? A: Elijah; Q: Which Mikaelson brother questions whether he can forgive his brother for his mounting offenses? A: a way; Q: What does Freya search for to heal her family? A: their fractured bond; Q: What does Freya want to heal between Klaus and Elijah? A: Meanwhile, Klaus' suspicion piques; Q: What happens when Klaus learns that Lucien has arrived in New Orleans? A: an old vampire friend; Q: Who is Lucien? A: a mysterious agenda; Q: What is Lucien's motive for coming to New Orleans? A: the Mikaelson's remaining sire lines; Q: What does Lucien want to take over? A: Mikaelson; Q: What family's sire lines are Lucien interested in? A: Hayley; Q: Who struggles with being cursed to her wolf form in the bayou? A: the French Quarter; Q: Where do Vincent and Cami assist Detective Kinney? A: a series; Q: How many gruesome discoveries lead Detective Kinney to believe he may have a serial killer on the loose? A: control; Q: What has Marcel regained in the French Quarter? A: a new strategy; Q: What does Marcel try to recruit vampires? A: the New Orleans witches; Q: Who is Davina the Regent to? A: a decision; Q: What does Davina make that puts her and Marcel on opposite sides of an escalating conflict? Summary: Months after following their violent and deadly showdown with the powerful witch Dahlia, a rift continues to divide brothers Klaus and Elijah, while Freya searches for a way to heal their fractured bond and return their family to the way they once were. Meanwhile, Klaus' suspicion piques when he learns that an old vampire friend named Lucien has arrived to New Orleans with a mysterious agenda involving the Mikaelson's remaining sire lines. Elsewhere, Elijah questions whether he can truly forgive his brother for his mounting offenses, while Hayley struggles with being cursed to her wolf form in the bayou. In the French Quarter, Vincent and Cami assist Detective Kinney after a series of gruesome discoveries are made, leading them to believe they may have a serial killer on the loose. Finally, Marcel, who has regained control of the French Quarter once again, tries a new strategy to recruit vampires, while Davina, who is now Regent to the New Orleans witches, makes a decision that will find her and Marcel on opposite sides of an escalating conflict. |
Ted from 2030: Marshall and Lily have together for nine wonderful years until she dumped him and ran off to San Francisco. The healing process was taking a long time. Then, one night he made a giant leap forward.
At MacLaren's.
Robin: Alright, see you guys later.
Ted: I'll walk you out.
Marshall: See ya.
Barney: You just checked out Robin's ass.
Marshall: What? No. I... Barney, I was...
Barney: Dude, that's awesome! You're finally forgetting about that short redhead.
Marshall: Lily.
Barney: Yes, Lily, thank you. That was gonna drive me crazy all night. Hey, Ted! Marshall's just checked out your girlfriend's ass.
Marshall: I did not Ted...
Ted: Awesome! You're finally getting better.
Barney: This is the moment I've been waiting for. Starting tonight, I'm gonna teach you how to live. Ted, you're out of chance, Marshall's in.
Ted: Yes!
Marshall: Oh, God!
Barney: Marshall, being a single guy in New York city is like... Pfff... What does everybody like?
Marshall: Candy.
Barney: Yeah! It's like being in a candy store. You just walk right in and grab yourself some Whoppers. Yeah. Is Whoppers the best ones?
Ted: Mounds.
Barney: Milk Duds.
Ted: Gobstoppers.
Barney: Um...
Ted from 2030: This went on for another hour. I'll just skip to the end.
Ted: Dubble Bubbles.
Barney: Nice! Marshall, we're doing this. I am not taking no for an answer.
Marshall: Fine.
Ted (on the phone): Hey Robin. Marshall checked out your ass.
Marshall: Ted, what is wrong with you?
Robin (on the phone): He checked out my ass? Hey, tell him thanks. I felt like I was having a bad ass day. Cool. See ya.
Robin reaches her apartment. Lily is on her landing.
Robin: Lily.
Lily: It is a great ass.
CREDIT TITLES
Ted from 2030: None of us had seen Lily in three months. There were so many unanswered questions, so many things to say.
Robin: Your hair is adorable!
Lily: Thank you! (They hug)
At MacLaren's.Ted from 2030: Meanwhile, Barney was taking Marshall out to meet women for the first time since he was 17.
Barney: Hi. Have you met Marshall?
Woman: Hi.
Marshall: Hi. Look how sweaty my hands are! It's weird, right? Uh, sweat. Like this... Smelly water coming out of your skin. It was nice meeting you.
Barney: I-I-I Hate to interrupt but, uh... Do you like magic?
Woman: Umm... I guess. (Barney makes a trick, Umm, I guess is writing on his hand). Oh my God! (Barney does it again, Oh my God! appears on his hand) Anyway, Marshall here is awesome. Salad in a bag? His idea!
In a snack bar.
Barney: Dude, you were awesome last night. You were charming, you were funny. You were totally working that girl.
Marshall: You went home with her!
Barney: Yes, I did. But she told me that if it wasn't for me you would've had a shot with her. So in hypothetical terms, you scored last night! All right! Hypothetical high five! Nice! Tonight, we're gonna go to the bar...
Marshall: Barney, no, I'm not going out with you ever again.
Barney: Come on! I'll teach you all my strategies!
Marshall: Oh, really?
Barney: My favorite, number seven. Create a mystery about yourself. That way, they become so intrigued that they have to hang out with you all night.
Marshall: Oh, come on. Does that really work?
Barney: Maybe it does and maybe it doesn't.
Marshall: Dammit that's intriguing! OK, I'm in.
At the apartment, Robin arrives.
Robin: You've gotta hear this.
Ted: You will not believe what just happened.
Robin: You go first.
Ted: I find a 1939 penny on the subway. Just imagine the history this little copper guy's seen...
Robin: Lily is back in town.
Ted: And you let me go first?! Have you seen her?
Robin: Uh, yeah. I actually went apartment hunting with her today.
Ted: How is she doing?
Robin: You're not gonna like it.
[FLASHBACK]
Lily: I am doing great. This summer, best thing ever. San Francisco is so happening right now.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Ted: She's happy? Marshall had the worst summer of his life and she's happy. And I suppose her art program was fulfilling or whatever.
[FLASHBACK]
Lily: Oh, the art program, best thing ever.
In San Francisco, Lily is painting.
Man: Oh my God, this is your best work. In all my years teaching, I've never seen anything so... Needless to say, this is art! I can't teach you anything. (The man is giving Lily his paintbrush).
In New-York, with Robin.
Lily: But the best part of SF - oh that's what we call San Francisco - the people. Even just riding around on the bus all summer, it was like a human tapestry.
In San Francisco, in a bus.Man 1: Hi, I'm Mike. I'm a Buddhist monk slash adventure writer travel.
Woman: I'm Paula. I sing in a punk band for children. Yeah!
Man 2: I'm Dan. I'm a neurosurgeon. You are stunning, by the way.
In New-York.
Robin: Wow, I am so happy for you.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Ted: Oh, she's such a... godda... God! After what she did to Marshall, she should come back here devastated. Crawling over the broken glass of her own shame and regret.
Robin: You never chose sides. I respect that.
Ted: She's unbelievable! Unbelievable!
(Marshall arrives.)
Marshall: Unbelievable? What's unbelievable?
Ted: Uh, listen Marshall...
Robin: Ted found a penny on the subway and it's old and that's interesting.
Marshall: Way to go.
(Marshall goes into his bedroom.)
Ted: OK, first of all, that is interesting. Second, we have to tell him.
Robin: No, we don't. He's just starting to get better. Going out with Barney. How do you think he'll feel when he hears Lily's moved on?
Ted: She's moved on?
Robin: Well, it happens. I've fallen out of love faster than that before. Sometimes, boom, with no warning whatsoever. One day we're in love, the next day, he's dead to me. But we're great! Honey?
At MacLaren's.
Barney: Let's review Barney's rules for mating without dating. Lesson two: corollary five.
Marshall: Make a beautiful woman feel self-conscious and unattractive and she'll be putty in your hands.
Barney: Excellent. Have you chosen your entrée?
Marshall: I have. A sweet brunette, eight o'clock. Nine o'clock. Ten; thirty. She's walking to the bar.
Barney: Her? Really? No, you're right. Ambition is the enemy of success. OK, hit it.
Marshall (to the girl): Hey four-eyes. You got astigmatism or something? I'm sorry, I was trying to be playful but I just got out of a lonf relationship. I have no idea what I'm doing! I'm Marshall.
Girl: Hi Marshall. Amy. Don't worry, I've been there. Hold on.
Barney: Nice recovery. I think it's working.
Marshall: Um, Amy, this is my friend Barney. Barney, this is Amy.
Amy: Hey Barney, nice to meet you.
Barney: Hi. Amy, do you like... magic?
At the apartment.
Marshall: I hate you.
Barney: I am so sorry. It's a sickness. I'm the real victim here.
Marshall: Twice! Twice in a row you took my candy! That was my candy!
Barney: I know but tonight...
Marshall: No, forget it. You're such a jackass!
Barney (with you're a jerk writing on his hand): I though you were gonna call me a jerk. All right, I'm sorry. But I will make it up to you. Tonight, we'll go to a college bar near NYU. The Scorpion & The Toad. I figure in a younger crowd you'll seem more mature, more worldly. And, as a third-year law student, more smarter.
Marshall: OK, but no magic. (He turns to Barney who disappeared). How did you do that?
Barney: I'm taking a leak, dumb-ass.
In a building.Ted from 2030: Robin and I went apartment hunting with Aunt Lily.
Lily: But I need the freedom to really chase my passion, which was painting but now, I think it's music, or spoken words. Maybe both. God, isn't life amazing.
Ted: Yeah.
Lily: It is so great to see you Ted. Ah! I'm gonna get the key for the lockbox.
(She leaves.)
Robin: What?
Ted: She's miserable. She's realized she's made a huge mistake. Her and Marshall will be back together in a week, I love it!
Robin: No, you just want Lily to be miserable. The truth is she's happy.
Ted: Trust me. I've known Lily for nine years.
Robin: Trust me, I'm a girl!
Ted: Yeah. But you're Canadian.
Robin: Why do you always have to bring that up?
Ted: You're our weird neighbors!
Robin: You bring it up every time...
Ted: No, alright. Five bucks says she still wants Marshall.
Robin: You're on.
Ted: Five American bucks.
Robin: Dammit! OK, so how do we get the truth out of her?
Ted: Tequila. It's her weakness. Three shots, she tells you the truth about anything.
(Lily come back.)Lily: I hope this is my new home. (She comes in the apartment) Yeah, I'm gonna take that first apartment.
At the apartment, Barney knocks at the door, Marshall opens.
Barney: Marshall Eriksen, suit up!
Marshall: No way.
Barney: Yeah you're good in that. Let's go.
Marshall: Wait. Empty your pockets. Come on.
Barney: Come on...
Marshall: Sleeves.
Barney: There is nothing in my sl...
Marshall: Oh is that right?
Barney: Huh? Huh? Let's go.
Marshall: Behind my ear.
Barney: Oh there is nothing behind your... Ohh!
Marshall: Ohh!
[SCENE_BREAK]
At The Scorpion & the Toad bar.
Girl: Yeah, I'm in pre-law. The workload's killing me though.
Marshall: Oh, tell me about it. I'm a third year at Columbia Law, so... If the workload does kill you I can probably get a conviction. Yeah.
In an other spot of the Scorpion & the Toad.Barney (to a girl): You must be majoring in chemistry 'cause what I'm picking up between us is, uh... (The girl leaves / to the girl's friend) College lesbian phase.
Back to Marshall and the first girl.
Girl: Listen, I gotta go. But it'd be great to see you again.
Marshall: Yes, it would. It really would.
Girl: Maybe I'll see you here sometimes.
Marshall: Probably not. I'm never here, so...
Girl: You know, I do have a phone number.
Marshall: Great. Nice.
Barney: Hi, I'm Barney.
Marshall: Oh, no.
Barney: Do you mind giving my friend your phone number?
Girl: Sure.
In a cab.
Marshall: Whoo! I did it! I got a girl's phone number! Oh, and her handwriting is so cute. Look. I'll take her out for Chinese food and then we'll walk through the park. It'll be so... What?
Barney: Sorry buddy, I'm taking this one too.
Marshall (choking Barney): I'll kill you!
At Robin's apartment.
Lily: And then I discovered this area, North beach. Best beach ever! Oh, I've been blabbering on about my summer. How are you guys doing? And hey, how is Marshall?
In the cab, Marshall still chokes Barney.
Marshall: Gimme the card! I swear I'm gonna...
Barney: I'm not giving you...
Back at Robin's.
Ted: Terrific.
Lily: That is so good to hear. (Lily's phone rings). Oh, hold on. This could be about he apartment. (She leaves the room).
Ted: OK, we're way past truth-telling Lily and about to hit Cinco-de-Mayo-1998 Lily, and I'm not cleaning that up again. So, congratulations. You win, she's happy.
(Lily come back.)
Lily: I didn't get it. That first apartment. I... I waited too long and somebody else got it. (She starts crying).
Ted: Interesting. Wow Lily, you, uh, seem to be having a pretty strong reaction to losing this apartment. I wonder is it because it reminds you of something you lost because you couldn't commit?
Robin: No, Lily you're crying over the crown moulding and the real hardwood floor. There's no deeper meaning, right Lily? Just quit crying and tell him.
Lily: The apartment is a metaphor for Marshall! (Robin gives back Ted his five dollars)
In the cab.
Barney: Stop it!
Marshall: You don't want to see me when I'm angry!
Barney: Stop! If we can't settle this like gentlemen, then no one gets the number. (He sends the card across the window).
Marshall: Stop the cab! (Marshall gets out of the car)
Barney: No, wait. Come on. Wait. Marshall! 81st and 1st please. (He pulls the card out of his sleeve). Oh, she does have a cute handwriting.
In a snack-bar.Ted from 2030: About hangovers - everyone has their own special remedy.
Waiter: Morning guys, what can I get you?
Lily: Shhh! Bring me the dirtiest, greasiest tuna melt you got. And a milkshake.
Waiter: For you, sir?
Ted: Gravy.
Waiter: You want that gravy on something?
Ted: Surprise me.
Robin: I'd take you with gravy if my boyfriend wasn't sitting right here! Just kidding. I'm good.
Lily: What are you charpy about?
Ted: She's still drunk from last night.
Robin: I don't think so! Whoo!
Ted: Look, if you want Marshall back so bad, how come it took you two days to ask about him?
Lily: I was dying to ask. I was just trying to play it cool. But really...
[FLASHBACK, Robin and Lily visit an apartment]
Robin: But it's good, I mean work's great...
Lily: Say something about Marshall. Where is Marshall? How's Marshall? What's Marshall doing right now? (They are now with Ted in an other building) Shut up and talk about Marshall. Shut up and talk about Marshall! Shut up and talk about Marshall! Marshall! Marshall! Marshall! Marshall! Aaah I gotta ask! (Then, the three of them are in Robin's apartment) And, hey, how is Marshall?
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Lily: It was such an awful summer! I just wanted to get back here and see him.
Ted: But I thought your summer was great?!
Lily: Not exactly...
[FLASHBACK, in San Francisco, Lily paints]
Man: Oh my God! This is your best work?! In all my years teaching I've never seen something so... needless. To say this is art... I can't teach you anything.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Ted: So all those interesting people you met on the bus...?
Lily: Yeah, um...
[FLASHBACK, in a bus]
Man: I'm Mike. I'm a Buddhist monk slash adventure writer travel.
I'm Paula. I sing in a punk band for children. I'm Dan. I'm a neurosurgeon. You are stunning, by the way.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Lily: I never got in touch because I was too embarrassed. I screwed everything up. I have no job, no place to live. I lost the love of my life. Look, I know I have no right to ask this but do you think Marshall would take me back?
Ted: In a heartbeat. If you called him up, yeah, he'd take you back with open arms.
Lily: Wow. So, maybe I should call him?
Ted: Maybe. No! This is... Ooww... Hold on. Look. If you're gonna go back to him, I don't wanna hear the word "maybe". "Maybe" cannot be in your vocabulary. This break-up almost killed him. And he cannot go through it again. So, unless you're absolutely certain, stay the hell away from him.
Robin (laughing): This guy like pennies!
At MacLaren's.
Barney: Hi Marshall.
Marshall: No, go away, I don't want to talk to you.
Barney: OK. I know what I did a couple nights back was is in a moral grey area. But the great news is she loved you. If things had gone your way, you'd gone out a couple time, I think she definitely would've had s*x with you.
Marshall: There is no "would" in s*x. There totally is. I'm just no good at this Barney! I'm good at being in a couple. I'm good at being Lily's boyfriend. Being single, forget it.
Barney: You can't give up now. What if I told you that you could relive that night with the exact same conversations, the exact same jokes, only this time you get her and I don't.
Marshall: That's not possible.
Barney: Oh, but it is. She has... Wait for it. Here it comes. Almost there...an identical twin. Yes!
Marshall: A twin isn't the same person.
Barney: Of course, it is. What do you think "identical" means? "Ident-" - same. "-ical" - person. Same person. Hey, we could double date.
Marshall: Fine.
Barney: Ah!
Marshall: But you have to promise me you're not gonna steal my new twin and leave me with your old, used-up twin.
Barney: Used-up? They're a human being Marshall.
Ted from 2030: So Uncle Marshall and Uncle Barney went out on a double date with the twins.
Barney: How are you doing?
Marshall: Great. Amazing. This is so much fun. Me and the girl are really cliking.
Barney: You are. You definitely are. Listen, you're gonna have to leave now. I just talked with the twins and, get this, I'm going home with both of them! Yeah. That's happening.
Marshall: It is impossible that you're doing this to me again.
Barney: But they're twins.
Marshall: You said to me that being single would be like being in a candy store.
Barney: Well, it's not like a candy store. It's a lawless, post-apocalyptic wasteland. I may be your best friend...
Marshall: Ted's my best friend. Barney:...but in this world it's every hombre for himself. That's what being single is. And after nine years of captivity, that is the single greatest lesson I can teach you about surviving in the wild. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have two unique breasts an two duplicates waiting for me. (Barney rejoins the twins, Marshall leaves the bar). Oh bad news. Marshall got food poisoning.
Twin 1: What?
Twin 2: That's so bad. I really liked him.
Barney: Yeah. I guess we're just a threesome tonight.
Outside of MacLaren's, Marshall runs into Lily.
Marshall: Lily. What are you doing here?
Lily: Oh, I-I was just walking by. I wasn't... Oh, you mean, New-York? My program ended. It was just great. Just lots of fun. It was awful. It was the worst mistake I ever made. I'm so sorry Marshall. And, hello.
Marshall: Lily, this was the worst summer of my life.
Lily: I know. It was the worst summer of my life.
Marshall: It was the hardest thing I've ever had to go through.
Lily: Can we please get back together?
Marshall: All that crap you said to me about "we need to figure out who we are outside of us, and we need to learn to do things on our own.". It broke my heart. Three months ago, you broke my heart.
Lily: Can we please get back together?
Marshall: Lily, you were right. All that crap was right. So, no. No, we can't get back together. We shouldn't. At least, not right now.
Lily: Wow. OK. Yeah. Wi... Will we still see each other?
Marshall: Yeah. Yeah. I think so. I don't know. This is all really new to me. I just got out of a long relationship. I like your hair.
Lily: Thanks. I, uh, figured, new city, new color - uh, old color. (Music 'It's gonna be different this time' / Later). And the pizza there. Worst pizza ever! I'm so glad to be back in New-York.
Marshall: Yeah.
Lily: Listen, if there is anything I can do to even begin to make things up to you.
Marshall: Actually, there's maybe something you can do for me. But you can never ever ask me why.
In MacLaren's, Barney is still with the twins.
Barney: So then, I was promoted to assistant ménage-er. Manager. Why do I keep doing that? (Lily arrives.) Lily?
Lily: You gave me Chlamydia, you jerk! (She throws a drink at his face and leaves)
Barney: So, where was I? Ah yes. Assistant ménage-er. I did it again. I can't believe it!
(Lily shows up again)
Lily: You gave my twin sister Chlamydia! You slime! (She throws a second drink at his face and leaves, following by the twins).
Barney: Wait, wait, I know magic. Well played, Eriksen. Well played. | Plan: A: Barney; Q: Who teaches Marshall how to pick up women? A: an awkward Marshall; Q: Who does Barney teach to pick up women? A: Lily returns; Q: Who returns from her art experience? A: a new apartment; Q: What does Ted help Lily look for? A: Ted; Q: Who gets sick of hearing about Lily's summer in San Francisco? Summary: Barney teaches Marshall how to pick up women. When things start to go sour for an awkward Marshall, Barney steps in and wins the women over... for himself. Lily returns from her art experience. While helping her look for a new apartment, Ted gets sick of hearing about Lily's amazing summer in San Francisco. |
The Krotons By Robert Holmes
5:15pm - 5:40pm
[SCENE_BREAK]
1, INT: UNDER-HALL
(The Doctor looks upwards as the split in the ceiling widens and a chunk of concrete dislodges, falling to the ground.)
DOCTOR: Oh...oh!
ZOE: Doctor!
(A stream of rubble falls from the hole in the ceiling burying the Doctor completely.)
DOCTOR: Argh...oh!
[SCENE_BREAK]
2, INT: LEARNING HALL
(Thara and Vana descend the steps to the hall and gaze towards the entrance of the machine, the ground juddering and there is a loud rumbling.)
THARA: I'm going down. You go back.
(He begins to descend to the under-hall.)
VANA: Well be careful Thara!
[SCENE_BREAK]
3, INT: UNDER-HALL
(Zoe coughs and looks up from where she is lying, covered in dust.)
ZOE: Doctor!
(Thara rushes over and helps her up.)
THARA: Are you alright Zoe?
ZOE: Yes, I think so.
(Thara takes her by the hand.)
THARA: Come on, this way.
ZOE: No, we must find the Doctor!
THARA: Well where is he?
ZOE: S-somewhere over there, I saw him fall.
THARA: I'll look for him. You stay under here.
(He moves off to search.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
4, INT: LEARNING HALL
(Selris helps a few survivors from the under hall evacuate, and runs across Vana.)
SELRIS: Vana, what are you doing here? Why aren't you in the hills?
VANA: Because Thara and I stayed behind with Beta to make some acid. We were bringing it here for the Doctor when we felt the earthquake.
SELRIS: The Doctor!
(He looks around.)
SELRIS: Has anyone seen him?
VANA: He's probably buried down there with the digging party.
(Selris rushes down to the under hall again.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
5, INT: UNDER-HALL
(Thara rounds one of the machine's cracked support struts. He spots the sprawled figure of Doctor lying in a depression in the ground, surrounded by fallen rock.)
THARA: I've found him Zoe!
DOCTOR: Oh...
(Thara helps the Doctor up.)
THARA: Are alright Doctor?
DOCTOR: Yes, yes, I think so. I don't think there's any bones broken.
(He glances at the ceiling.)
DOCTOR: But if they don't get that vibration under control soon..!
THARA: We must hurry, there's gonna be a...
DOCTOR: Oh look out!
THARA: Look out!
(Thara pushes the Doctor away as another rain of rocky debris falls from the ceiling, this time it mainly lands on Thara.)
DOCTOR: Oh!
(The Doctor walks around a the strut and back to where Thara lies with a large rock on his leg.)
DOCTOR: Oh, Thara! Ah, don't worry, we'll get it off you. Zoe!
ZOE: Oh Doctor.
(Together the Doctor and Zoe heave at the rock.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
6, INT: ENTRANCE SHAFT
(Jamie tries to keep his footing as the Dynotrope rumbles and judders about. He is attempting to open the door leading into the learning hall, but it proves impassable. He changes his mind and moves back through the mass of pipes towards the exit shaft.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
7, INT: CONTROL-CENTRE
(The Krotons are at the control panel, their blank heads still spinning away.)
KROTON-COMMANDER: CUT AUXILIARIES.
KROTON: AUXILIARIES CUT.
KROTON-COMMANDER: OUTPUT ZERO.
KROTON: FEED IN EMERGENCY POWER.
KROTON-COMMANDER: GRAVITATION FEED CHECK.
KROTON: STATIC.
(The heads stop spinning.)
KROTON-COMMANDER: DYNOTROPE BALANCE NORMAL.
(The Kroton slithers around and examines a monitor. It views the people in the under hall.)
KROTON: THE GONDS HAVE ATTACKED THE DYNOTROPE.
KROTON-COMMANDER: THE TWO HIGH-BRAINS ARE THERE. BRING THEM HERE.
(The Kroton moves away.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
8, INT: UNDER-HALL
(Zoe examines Thara's leg while the Doctor stands about nervously with a piece of wood in his hand.)
ZOE: Could be a fracture.
THARA: Feels painful enough.
ZOE: I'll strap it. Oh Doctor, give me the wood.
DOCTOR: Yes w..hurry up Zoe! We've got to move out of here you know.
VANA: You think there'll be another earthquake?
DOCTOR: Oh that was not an earthquake.
VANA: Oh no, it was coming from the machine.
(She listens for a moment.)
VANA: It's stopped.
DOCTOR: Yes. That means the Krotons are free to deal with us. Haven't you finished yet Zoe?
ZOE: No I haven't. Hey, can I borrow your braces?
DOCTOR: No!
(Zoe pulls one of his braces, then to the Doctor's annoyance lets it twang back.)
DOCTOR: Ooh!
(He offers her the handkerchief from his top pocket.)
DOCTOR: Here, I'd much rather you use this.
ZOE: Oh alright.
DOCTOR: Hello...
(He looks up at the machine.)
SELRIS: Yes Doctor, I'm afraid we have failed. The machine is unharmed.
DOCTOR: I'm not so sure - look at that.
[SCENE_BREAK]
9, MODEL SHOT: KROTON MACHINE
(The spherical honeycombed belly of the Dynotrope can be clearly seen to be leaking an oily, black mucus from a structural wound.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
10, INT: UNDER-HALL
SELRIS: What is happening to it?
DOCTOR: I-I'd say it was no longer functioning under full power. Vana, how is Beta getting on with the acid I asked him to make?
VANA: Oh, he sent this Doctor.
DOCTOR: Oh good.
VANA: He only made a small amount to start with.
DOCTOR: Yeah...Uh-huh.
(He unscrews and takes a cautious sniff.)
VANA: Is it alright.
ZOE: Pooh, sulphuric acid isn't it?
DOCTOR: Yes, well basically...with a few things added.
(Vana reaches towards the bottle.)
DOCTOR: Uh-uh, don't touch - it'll burn you.
ZOE: Doctor what about Jamie?
DOCTOR: Jamie! I'd forgotten all about him in the excitement!
ZOE: Has anybody seen him?
SELRIS: But he followed you.
DOCTOR: Followed us? What, in there?
SELRIS: Yes, I tried to...
ZOE: Well how long ago?!
SELRIS: About an hour after you and the Doctor.
ZOE: But Doctor, Jamie wouldn't be any use to them! His mind is completely untrained.
DOCTOR: Yes, and if the machine rejects him like the others... Come on!
(He and Zoe rush away. Vana remembers the bottle, but they have already left.)
VANA: Doctor!
(She looks curiously at the bottle of acid.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
12, INT: EXIT SHAFT
(Jamie to open the door into the wastelands, but it is as solid as the one into the learning hall. He looks around for something to prise the door open, and notices something by his feet.)
JAMIE: The Doctor's piece of mica.
(He compares the mica with the size of the hole in the wall.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
13, INT: LEARNING HALL
(Eelek and his cronies have returned to the learning hall. He faces Selris sternly.)
EELEK: Well? Are you satisfied with your efforts?!
AXUS: Seven of his working party are unaccounted for, there are four badly injured - and I think two of them are going to die.
SELRIS: They will all be attended to. I am making arrangements.
EELEK: No, you've done enough already.
SELRIS: But you are the one who wanted to fight with the Krotons!
EELEK: I'll fight them... In my own way, in my own time.
SELRIS: I tell you my way is better. Inside the machine the Krotons are invulnerable. But if we can draw them out...
AXUS: You've had your chance and look what you've done! The learning hall is ruined, out people are dead and wounded and the machine is untouched!
SELRIS: The machine is damaged!
EELEK: Damaged! It must be destroyed! I will launch a mass attack with slings and fireballs. They are in position now.
SELRIS: And the Krotons will turn our city into another wasteland. Don't be a fool Eelek!
(Eelek pulls a piece of junk aside to reveal a corpse.)
EELEK: Do you see what your stupidity has done? You are a traitor, you were dismissed as leader of then council. You had no authority to order this attack!
SELRIS: The leadership of this council is hereditary! My son Thara will replace me!
EELEK: No, I have replaced you! Arrest him!
(The guards approach Selris.)
SELRIS: Wait! Eelek, this is no time for us to be fighting among ourselves. We need to organise...
EELEK: I have no need of your help.
SELRIS: I said I would bring the Krotons out of the machine!
(The hatch slides open and the Kroton wobbles to the ramp. Eelek approaches.)
KROTON: STOP! WHERE ARE THE HIGH-BRAINS?
EELEK: I don't understand.
KROTON: THE TWO ALIEN CREATURES ARE NEEDED. WHERE ARE THEY?
SELRIS: He means the Doctor and Zoe. What do you want with them?
KROTON: UNIMPORTANT. PRODUCE THEM.
EELEK: They're not here.
KROTON: WHERE ARE THEY?
EELEK: You say you need them? Why are they so important to you? You never left your machine before.
KROTON: DO NOT ARGUE!
(The Kroton sprays it's disintegrator at a nearby, Gond burning him from existence.)
SELRIS: Why did you do that?! He was doing you no harm!
KROTON: PRODUCE THE HIGH-BRAINS IN FIFTEEN MINUTES.
EELEK: If we give you the strangers, will you leave us in peace?
KROTON: THE HIGH-BRAINS WILL ENABLE US TO OPERATE THE DRIVE MECHANISM OF THE DYNOTROPE.
EELEK: You mean you will go? You will leave our world?
KROTON: YES. BUT IF THE TWO HIGH-BRAINS ARE NOT BROUGHT TO THE DYNOTROPE, YOU WILL ALL BE DISPERSED. DO YOU UNDERSTAND?
EELEK: Very well. If you leave us, you shall have them.
[SCENE_BREAK]
14, INT: EXIT SHAFT
(Jamie presses the mica into the slot, but unfortunately the Dynotrope power is only sufficient to raise the door a little. He gets down and attempts to squeeze through small crack which barely wide enough for a person.)
DIRECTOR: Cut!
[SCENE_BREAK]
15, INT: LEARNING HALL
SELRIS: But why Eelek? It's only a few hours since you wanted to fight the Krotons!
EELEK: If we give the the strangers they will leave us in peace.
SELRIS: But the Doctor and Zoe are our friends. They risked their lives for us!
EELEK: I put the interests of our own people first!
(He glances at Axus.)
EELEK: Now keep them all under guard!
[SCENE_BREAK]
16, INT: BEHIND THE DYNOTROPE
(Jamie's head and upper body poke out under the partially open door.)
JAMIE: A-argh...aah...ah Doctor!
DOCTOR: Jamie!
JAMIE: Quick!
(The Doctor and Zoe rush up to help him.)
DOCTOR: Jamie, watch out for the poison jets!
JAMIE: It's just on my back!
(The both tug at Jamie.)
ZOE: Oh!
DOCTOR: We've got to get you out of here!
JAMIE: I know!
ZOE: Oh!
DOCTOR: Jamie!
JAMIE: It's just another inch I think.
DOCTOR: I think you're getting free.
JAMIE: Argh.
DOCTOR: Oh!
ZOE: Oh quick!
(They manage to pull him through the gap just as the gas jets extend and spray their deadly toxin into the air.)
DOCTOR: Oh!
JAMIE: What's been happening? I though that machine was going to shake itself to pieces!
DOCTOR: There's no time to explain Jamie. How are you feeling?
JAMIE: Well I...
DOCTOR: Good.
JAMIE: Eh?
DOCTOR: There's something I want you to do for me.
JAMIE: Oh not again!
DOCTOR: Now Beta is making some special sulphuric acid for us, I want you to go and tell him to make it in bulk.
JAMIE: Yes, but...
DOCTOR: As much as you can.
JAMIE: Oh, b-b-but Doctor...
DOCTOR: There's no time to argue, now hurry. We'll see you back at the learning hall.
(The Doctor and Zoe scamper away leaving Jamie behind.)
JAMIE: Eh...ah.
[SCENE_BREAK]
17, INT: LEARNING HALL
EELEK: The strangers are coming back. You two stay here, the rest come with me.
VANA: They're going to walk into a trap!
SELRIS: Yes. Eelek claims to act for the people. But he's only concern is his own skin.
VANA: Oh, if only we could warn the Doctor! He and the girl could get away in their space-machine.
SELRIS: I agree. We owe them the chance to escape.
[SCENE_BREAK]
18, INT: BETA'S HOUSE
(In Beta's lab area he attends to his bubbling pots and cauldrons as he attempts to complete the Doctor's acid. Both he and Jamie have ragged cloths fastened tightly over their noses and mouths, despite this they are still having trouble breathing.)
JAMIE: How long will it be? How long will it be?
BETA: I don't know.
(There is a flash from one of the pots of volatile mixture.)
JAMIE: It's not going to explode is it?
BETA: I don't know.
JAMIE: What?
BETA: I don't know!
JAMIE: Well I thought you were supposed to be the scientist?
BETA: Well I've never worked with acid before...
(He tests a little diluted mixture on the tip of his finger.)
BETA: Ooh! The Krotons forbid it. Shall we put a bit more in?
JAMIE: Well why ask me?
BETA: Let's see what happens. We can only blow ourselves up.
(Jamie backs away nervously as Beta begins to tip a pile of ground sulphur into his bubbling cauldron. He jumps as the contents of the pot next to him explodes in a puff of smoke. Beta examines the contents of his cauldron curiously, then turns to Jamie.)
BETA: Do you think that's enough?
JAMIE: Aye, well it's enough for me anyway. Quite enough.
(The mixture in the cauldron explodes in a searing flash.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
19, INT: LEARNING HALL
VANA: Listen, you distract Axus's attention while I slip away.
SELRIS: But there are men on the stairs.
VANA: I might be able to dodge by them. Anything's worth trying!
SELRIS: Yes, there is just a chance. But be ready.
(He walks over to Axus.)
SELRIS: Axus, a minute.
AXUS: What is it?
SELRIS: In the past you have always accepted my judgement. Believe me, the Krotons are not to be trusted.
AXUS: I don't trust them. But Eelek's right, we're doing the only thing we can.
SELRIS: But if we surrender the Doctor and Zoe, we ourselves will be killed.
AXUS: What do you mean?
SELRIS: I'm sure of it! The Krotons don't care for us, they never have. But while we have the Doctor and Zoe we have a means of negotiation.
AXUS: And if we don't hand over the strangers they'll kill us anyw-anyway. You're getting old Selris, you're arguments make no sense.
(He notices Vana as she tries to slip away.)
AXUS: Stop! Stop that girl!
(Two guards round Vana up and lead her away, as she struggles she drops the bottle of acid.)
VANA: Oh! Let me go! Doctor, Doctor! Oh no..!
(Selris notices the bottle of acid lying on the floor and picks it up.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
20, INT: CONTROL-CENTRE
KROTON-COMMANDER: BALANCE ZERO PLUS TWELVE.
KROTON: WE HAVE RESERVE POWER FOR TWENTY-SEVEN MORE MINUTES.
KROTON-COMMANDER: THEN WE SHALL EXHAUST! OUR FUNCTION WILL END.
[SCENE_BREAK]
21, INT: LEARNING HALL
(The Doctor and Zoe pause on the steps.)
ZOE: Oh, what do we do next?
DOCTOR: Well if only we can get inside that machine again, Zoe.
(Eelek appears behind the Doctor.)
EELEK: You can Doctor.
DOCTOR: Oh?
EELEK: We'll help you into it.
DOCTOR: Oh, that's very good of you...
(The guards appear brandishing their pikes.)
DOCTOR: What?! What's all this?
ZOE: Oh...oh Doctor!
(They are shoved towards the machine.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
22, INT: CONTROL-CENTRE
(The Krotons watch on the video-screen.)
KROTON-COMMANDER: THE HIGH-BRAINS HAVE BEEN CAPTURED! BALANCE CHECK?
KROTON: ZERO PLUS NINE.
KROTON-COMMANDER: EXHAUST TIME TWENTY-TWO MINUTES.
KROTON: SHALL I OPEN THE DYNOTROPE?
KROTON-COMMANDER: ONLY THE TWO HIGH-BRAINS MUST ENTER.
[SCENE_BREAK]
23, INT: LEARNING HALL
EELEK: Well take them up!
(He motions to the guards who usher them across the hall.)
DOCTOR: Oh really! We will not be bullied! Don't push! Vana, Vana have you got that bottle, it's vital!
KROTON-COMMANDER OOV: THE HIGH-BRAINS WILL ENTER IMMEDIATELY!
ZOE: I think we'd better do as they say Doctor.
DOCTOR: Yes... V-Vana...oh!
(They get herded through the open doorway.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
24, INT: CONTROL-CENTRE
KROTON-COMMANDER: THE HIGH-BRAINS ARE ENTERING THE DYNOTROPE. PREPARE FOR TAKE-OFF. PHASE ONE.
KROTON: PHASE ONE READY. SHALL I DESTROY THE GONDS NOW? THEY ARE OF NO VALUE.
KROTON-COMMANDER: NO, THE DISPERSION UNITS USE POWER. WE HAVE NO POWER TO WASTE.
[SCENE_BREAK]
25, INT: LEARNING HALL
VANA: That bottle Selris?
SELRIS: It's alright, I have it here.
VANA: The Doctor needs it, he says it's vital!
(Selris runs towards the machine and dives through the doorway as it begins to close.)
VANA: Come back!
[SCENE_BREAK]
26, INT: CONTROL-CENTRE
(The interior door slides open and the Doctor and Zoe walk into the centre of the Kroton's operations. The crystalline captors turn to face their high-brains.)
DOCTOR: I believe you wish to speak with us.
(Just then, Selris runs through the doorway and presses the bottle of acid into the Doctor's hand.)
SELRIS: Doctor!
DOCTOR: Look out!
(The Kroton sprays a jet of gas. Selris turns and tries to run back, but the door blocks his escape. He frantically scrabbles at the smooth surface.)
SELRIS: No!
(His scream is cut short as he evaporates. Zoe turns to the Doctor, who sadly places an arm around her.)
KROTON-COMMANDER: SET THE INTERGALACTIC LINK.
KROTON: TAKE OFF PHASE TWO.
KROTON-COMMANDER: PREPARE TO TRANSFER.
KROTON: ALL SYSTEMS SET.
(A small pulsing console extends from the floor. Upon it are a pair of headsets similar to those in the machines of the learning hall.)
KROTON-COMMANDER: YOU WILL ASSIST US NOW.
DOCTOR: Assist you? In what way?
KROTON: THE DYNOTROPE WILL EXHAUST IN TWELVE MINUTES.
ZOE: Well that's your problem.
DOCTOR: Er, no Zoe. If this machine does run down there will be the most colossal release of energy. Enough to destroy us, the Krotons and most of the planet.
(He addresses the Commander.)
DOCTOR: Er... If you want us to help you, you must explain what it is you want us to do. What is this thing?
KROTON-COMMANDER: IT TRANSFERS THE DYNOTROPE BACK TO OUR OWN COSMOS. IT OPERATES THROUGH MENTAL POWER.
DOCTOR: You've discovered a way of using mental power?
ZOE: And you Krotons haven't enough.
KROTON-COMMANDER: FOUR HIGH-BRAINS ARE NEEDED IN RELAY. THERE ARE ONLY TWO OF US.
ZOE: Then how did you get here?
KROTON-COMMANDER: NO MORE QUESTIONS!
DOCTOR: If you want us...if you want us to cooperate you must expect questions!
KROTON-COMMANDER: UNLESS YOU DO AS WE ORDER YOU WILL BE DISPERSED!
DOCTOR: Very well, but that won't help you, will it?
KROTON-COMMANDER: WE'RE WASTING TIME! THE DYNOTROPE WAS PART OF A BATTLE FLEET, TWO OF OUR CREW WERE EXHAUSTED BY ENEMY FIRE.
ZOE: Do you mean that they were killed?
KROTON-COMMANDER: CEASED TO FUNCTION. WE CARRIED OUT THE EMERGENCY PROCEDURE AND LANDED ON THE NEAREST PLANET. TO CONSERVE POWER WE SET THE DYNOTROPE IN PERPETUAL STABILITY.
DOCTOR: Ooh I see! And you set the-the machines systems to educate the Gonds up to the standard you require.
(Without moving the Doctor moves the bottle behind his back, tapping it lightly against her behind. She takes it.)
KROTON-COMMANDER: YES. THEY WERE PRIMITIVES.
ZOE: Well you didn't have to kill them to do that!
KROTON-COMMANDER: GOND SAMPLES WERE BROUGHT IN FOR TESTING AT INTERVALS. THE DYNOTROPE ABSORBED THEIR MENTAL POWER INTO IT'S CIRCUITS - THE WASTE MATTER WAS REJECTED.
KROTON: AND DISPERSED. NINE MINUTES TO EXHAUST TIME, COMMANDER!
[SCENE_BREAK]
27, INT: LEARNING HALL
(With cloths still over their mouths, Jamie and Beta, struggle into the hall. Between them they are dragging large three-foot high earthenware urn, a steaming mixture bubbling within. A number of Gonds rush past them on their way out.)
BETA: Look out!
JAMIE: Hey now, careful. Hey watch it!
BETA: Watch it, it's deadly.
JAMIE: Cue back davit.
BETA: Ad admonito.
(Axus bars their way aggressively.)
AXUS: Where do you think you're going? What's that?
BETA: It's something called acid. The Doctor asked me to make it for him.
AXUS: He won't be needing that now. You've been wasting your time.
JAMIE: W-where is he then?
AXUS: He's joined the Krotons.
BETA: You mean he's gone into the machine?
JAMIE: Well what about Zoe?
VANA: Zoe too. The Krotons wanted them, and Eelek surrendered them.
JAMIE: You did what?
EELEK: The Krotons need your friends to enable them to leave our world.
JAMIE: And you just handed them over, did you?
EELEK: If the Krotons will leave our world, they're welcome to your friends.
JAMIE: Ya miserable...
(Beta stands between Jamie and Eelek.)
BETA: Careful Jamie!
EELEK: It's time we were leaving.
BETA: Leaving?
EELEK: Unless you want to die.
BETA: What are you talking about Eelek?
EELEK: Beta, for a scientist you're very stupid. The learning hall and most of our city is built around that Kroton's machine, and once that machine starts moving off...
BETA: The whole place will come down.
EELEK: Exactly, and you'll be buried alive.
JAMIE: Aye, well I'm staying. Somehow I'm gonna get the Doctor and Zoe out of there. Beta?
BETA: Yes, I'll stay here and help you.
EELEK: Vana?
VANA: I'll stay here and look after Thara. I'm not sensible enough to run away and leave my friends.
EELEK: No. Let them stay, and let them die.
BETA: He could be right you know.
JAMIE: Aye, maybe so. But I'm not going down without a fight. Now where do we put this stuff?
[SCENE_BREAK]
28, INT: CONTROL-CENTRE
KROTON-COMMANDER: PUT ON THE HEADSETS.
DOCTOR: Now just a moment. If we're going to help you transfer the Dynotrope back to your own planet, what's going to happen to us?
KROTON-COMMANDER: YOU WILL SUFFER NO HARM.
DOCTOR: Well how can we be sure of that? We die without oxygen you see. Er, just as you would die if anyone was to upset the stuff you're drawing from that tank.
KROTON-COMMANDER: TAKE UP YOUR POSITIONS.
DOCTOR: I was merely trying to say that if anyone was to contaminate what was in that tank, you'd know what it was like to breathe poisoned air!
(Behind her back, Zoe unscrews and tips the bottle of acid into the swirling tank of fluid, dropping the bottle in for good luck.)
KROTON: SIX MINUTES.
KROTON-COMMANDER: YOU HAVE NO CHOICE. PUT ON THE HEADSET.
DOCTOR: Oh well, I suppose we had better just take your word for it then.
KROTON-COMMANDER: SET THE TRANSFER LINK.
KROTON: FINAL PHASE ON AUTOMATIC.
DOCTOR: Oh. Now then ah, where do you want us to stand?
KROTON-COMMANDER: UNIMPORTANT.
DOCTOR: Oh. Well I'll stand over here then.
ZOE: Oh... Oh Doctor I wanted to stand over there.
DOCTOR: Oh my dear, oh well you stand there and I'll stand here. Better still, a much better idea. I'll stand here and you stand...
KROTON-COMMANDER: PUT ON THE HEADSETS OR YOU WILL BE DISPERSED!
DOCTOR: Alright, alright. How do, how do you wear these things?
ZOE: Nothing seems to be happening.
DOCTOR: Alright, give it time, give it time.
(The Doctor puts the headset on sideways and pretends to make it slip from his head.)
DOCTOR: Oh, ha-ha! Butterfingers!
(He picks it up again.)
ZOE: Oh Doctor you are clumsy!
(Zoe puts on her headset.)
KROTON-COMMANDER: ENOUGH OF THIS! PUT ON THE HEADSETS!
DOCTOR: Well it's your fault, you're making me nervous!
(Zoe seems to be in silent pain as the headset tunes in with her mental energy. Suddenly the Krotons begin to gurgle horribly as they were choking on their fluid. The creatures collapse to the floor. The Doctor whips the headset off Zoe.)
DOCTOR: Down Zoe!
(The Doctor and Zoe throw themselves to the floor as the falling Kroton activates the dispersion unit which fires harmlessly into the air above them, then runs down until it is empty. They stand up and glance down at the once imposing forms of the Krotons that now lie on the floor, like a couple of broken and defeated toys.)
DOCTOR: Are you alright Zoe?
ZOE: Yeah. Look Doctor, it's dissolving.
(The Kroton's heads begin to sizzle and melt away.)
DOCTOR: Yeah...yeah. It's returning to it's basic form.
ZOE: Oh Doctor! These fumes, they're choking!
DOCTOR: Yes, we must get out of here. Zoe, look!
(The walls begin to run like molten wax.)
DOCTOR: The machine, it's melting! Come on, let's get out of here before we're trapped.
[SCENE_BREAK]
29, INT: LEARNING HALL
(Jamie and Beta have enlisted some help, and between them they struggle to pour the acid from two large urns over the base of the machine. The amount of smoke it seems to be generating indicates that the acid is rapaciously feasting upon the crystalline structure. The Doctor and Zoe rush through the doorway which has opened again, probably due to the circuits malfunctioning.)
JAMIE: Doctor, Zoe!
BETA: What happened?
JAMIE: Did you get out alright?
DOCTOR: Yes.
JAMIE: How are you?
DOCTOR: Yeah..yes, well I'm a little bit shaken; but ah, not half so bad as the Krotons I can assure you. What're you doing here?
THARA: Look at the machine!
VANA: It's working Thara! Look, it's working.
[SCENE_BREAK]
30, MODEL SHOT: MACHINE
(The huge honeycomb bulk of the machine continues to blister and melt away.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
31, INT: LEARNING HALL
ZOE: Well what made you think of pouring acid on it?
BETA: Well we reckoned that if the Doctor thought it worthwhile experimenting with a few drops, we'd see what a few gallons would do.
DOCTOR: Oh Well done!
(He chuckles.)
ZOE: But how did you know that the machine would dissolve?
DOCTOR: Mm? Oh, well the machine was eighty percent tellurium, Zoe. And tellurium is soluble in sulphuric acid.
ZOE: But the machine wasn't pure tellurium.
DOCTOR: Well the acid wasn't pure sulphuric acid, but it worked didn't it? Come on, let's get away. I don't like goodbyes.
(Silently, they creep away.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
32, MODEL SHOT: MACHINE
(The melting machine begins to come away in chunks, dribbling from the widening wounds in it's surface like rivers of poisonous pus.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
33, INT: LEARNING HALL
VANA: It's finished now, isn't it?
THARA: Yes it is finished - the end of the Krotons. We're free at last!
VANA: We still have Eelek to deal with.
THARA: That will be my pleasure. I shall take over from my father as leader of the Gonds whatever Eelek thinks.
BETA: And we can develop our own science, the Doctor can help...
(He looks around.)
BETA: Doctor?
THARA: They've gone.
BETA: But I wanted to ask his advice! There's so much to be done!
THARA: We'll have to find our own answers now, Beta.
[SCENE_BREAK]
34, INT: CLIFFSIDE
(High up on a cliffside, a blue "POLICE PUBLIC CALL BOX" contrasts vividly against the yellow landscape. Slowly, it begins to judder as tired engines grind into their own curious, painful melody. The box begins to slip out of phase with the reality around it, fading away like a summer breeze. With nothing to bear witness to it's passing except a cluster of silent, sulphurous rocks.) | Plan: A: Selris; Q: Who succeeds in drawing the Krotons out of the Dynatrope? A: Eelek; Q: Who agrees to hand the Doctor and Zoe over to the Krotons? A: the planet; Q: What does Eelek agree to let the Doctor and Zoe leave? Summary: Selris succeeds in drawing the Krotons out of the Dynatrope but Eelek agrees to hand the Doctor and Zoe over to them in return for their leaving the planet. |
[Gilbert's House]
(Elena takes a picture of Jeremy and her and looks at it)
[The Island]
(Elena rushes toward Jeremy and takes him in her arms)
Elena: Jeremy! Oh, no. No. No. Oh, no. Oh, God, no. Oh, God... It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. You're gonna be ok. The ring will bring you back. It's ok. It's ok. You're gonna be ok. You're gonna be ok, Jeremy. You're gonna be fine
(Damon and Stefan are in the tunnels)
Damon: How'd this happen?
Stefan: It was Katherine. She must have been following us this whole time
Damon: What about the cure or Silas?
Stefan: If there was anything in there at all, it's all gone
Damon: Where the hell is Bonnie?
Stefan: I have no idea. She went looking for Jeremy last night. She never came back. Damon, Elena is in there waiting for the Gilbert ring to bring Jeremy back to life
Damon: Ok. Fine. We'll wait with her
Stefan: Damon, listen to me. Jeremy was one of the five, a hunter
Damon: He's supernatural. The ring won't work anymore. She won't survive this. I'll find Bonnie. You get Elena off this island
[Gilbert's House]
(Caroline is cleaning. Elena and Stefan enter. He's carrying Jeremy's body)
Caroline: Hey, you're home. I was trying to clean the burn mark where Kol... I couldn't get the spot out
Elena: Come on. Let's get him upstairs
(Stefan lays Jeremy on his bed)
Stefan: Can I get you anything?
Elena: No. I'm fine. I'm just gonna sit here and wait with him until he wakes up. Let me know if you hear anything about Bonnie, ok?
Stefan: Yeah. Sure
[The Island]
(Damon is back at the camp and looks around. He hears a noise)
Damon: Unless you're a blond, a Bennett witch, or a doppelganger, I suggest you steer clear
(Rebekah is here)
Rebekah: Where is it, the cure? I know someone has it
Damon: Yes, someone... Katherine
Rebekah: Katherine? The doppelganger?
Damon: Yeah. Sneaky, little bitch must've been spying on us for weeks. She killed Jeremy... He killed your brother. Let's not with the fake sad face
Rebekah: I didn't say I was going to miss him, but I'm not heartless. He was Elena's only family
Damon: Good. Well, you can send flowers after you help me find Bonnie
Rebekah: We need to find Katherine
Damon: If there's one thing that's a guarantee in this miserable, little world, it's that Katherine Pierce is gone. We need to find Bonnie. Oh, and beware of the immortal Silas. If he was asleep in that cave, he's awake now
(Bonnie wakes up. Shane is there)
Shane: Don't touch it. I used some of the island's herbs and berries to help treat the wound, but not being an actual witch, I can't guarantee much
Bonnie: How are you healed?
Silas: It was Silas. He helped me. You did it, Bonnie. He's risen
Bonnie: Get away from me
Silas: I know you're angry with me, ok, but now you'll see, everything I did, all those lives lost, they weren't in vain. Silas is gonna bring them back
Bonnie: What you want to do isn't natural, Shane. You can't bring back the dead
Shane: I think you'll change your mind now
Bonnie: What do you mean, now?
Shane: When Silas awoke, he had to feed to gain his strength. He'd been desiccating for almost 2,000 years. He needed blood. Jeremy was there
Bonnie: What are you saying?
Shane: He had...
Bonnie: What are you saying to me?
Shane: He drained him of his blood, Bonnie. Jeremy is dead
[Gilbert's House]
(Caroline and Stefan are in the kitchen)
Caroline: How long has she been like that?
Stefan: Ever since we found his body. She hasn't said anything except that she's waiting for him to wake up
Caroline: But he's not going to wake up. She knows that, right?
Stefan: Look. Deep down, I think she has to, but we're talking about Elena here. She feels grief more powerfully than anyone else. I think her denial is the one thing protecting her from letting it all in
Caroline: She can't stay like that forever
Stefan: I know, but I don't want to be the one to break her out of it, not until we know that Bonnie is safe, not until we get Damon over here to, you know...
Caroline: Use the sire bond to convince her that everything is ok?
(Elena enters)
Elena: I'm not in denial. I know that he was supernatural, but did you see? His tattoo is gone. The tattoo had the spell that opened Silas' chamber. Maybe it being gone means that he fulfilled his supernatural destiny. Maybe he's back to normal. It's possible, right?
Caroline: Elena...
Elena: It's possible, Caroline. There's a chance. It may be miniscule, but it's hope, and I'm gonna hold on to that hope with everything that I've got because there's no way... There's absolutely no way that my brother is dead. I'm not in denial
(Caroline is on the porch, leaving a voicemail)
Caroline: Hey. I know that I'm not supposed to be calling, but something happened, and I need to talk to you, Tyler. So please call me
(She hangs up. Stefan's here)
Stefan: Do you know where he is?
Caroline: As far away from Klaus as he can get. Klaus said he wouldn't stop until he found him
Stefan: Well, Katherine has been running from Klaus for 500 years. It's not easy, but it's possible. It's probably why she stole the cure. She wants to bargain for her freedom
Caroline: I just can't believe after all that, the cure is just gone
Stefan: Yeah. I mean, talk about denial. In my head, I was thinking there was no way Elena was gonna stay a vampire forever... And now without any family
Caroline: Well, we can't think about that right now. We need to make plans, lists. We need a funeral or a cover story or a funeral and a cover story. I should go tell my mom. I guess she'll know what to do
Stefan: We should get Matt over here
Caroline: You're right. I will do that. I will call Matt, and then I will go tell my mom, and then I will make a list or a casserole or... I don't know... Whatever people are supposed to do or make in these situations. What's that smell?
Stefan: It's his body. He's starting to decompose. Tell you mom to get Dr. Fell over here
[The Island]
(Rebekah and Damon are walking)
Rebekah: Do you think Bonnie is dead?
Damon: Never thought I'd say this, but I hope not
Rebekah: I don't like being out in the open like this
Damon: What, afraid of the big, bad Silas?
Rebekah: No
Damon: Scaredy cat
Rebekah: I'm not a scaredy cat. My brother Kol drove himself mad worrying about Silas rising. It would benefit us all to be a bit concerned, and you're one to talk about being afraid. You're so scared; you're 1,200 miles away from where you're supposed to be
Damon: Hey, somebody needed to find Bonnie
Rebekah: Stefan could've done that. Aren't you Elena's current love? It's so hard to keep track these days. Shouldn't you be home comforting her, or are you terrified of being there when she realizes her brother is dead?
(Someone shoots an arrow at them but he uses her as shield)
Rebekah: Ow!
Damon: Sorry. Better you than me
(He sees Vaughn and runs after him and catches him)
Damon: Mm, just the guy I wanted to see
(Bonnie can't stop crying. Shane looks at her)
Shane: Bonnie, here. Drink this. It'll calm you down
Bonnie: I don't want any of your stupid teas, Shane
Shane: Bonnie...
Bonnie: Jeremy is dead
Shane: Bonnie, be careful. Don't let your magic get out of control. Bonnie! Come on. Bonnie, I am not gonna let you fall apart. I'm not gonna let you. Silas needs you. He can bring Jeremy back. He can bring everyone back, and you're gonna help him, ok? You're gonna see Jeremy again
[Gilbert's House]
(Elena is in her bedroom and goes to Jeremy's bedroom. Meredith enters)
Meredith: Elena?
Elena: Meredith? What are you doing here?
Meredith: I came to check on your brother. May I?
Elena: Yeah. Um... You're not gonna find any vitals. It's the same thing that Ric used to go through. He'd just be dead until then he wasn't. Once, I remember he was gone for almost an entire day. Ric died, like, 4 times before he lost his mind, and Jeremy has died a few times, too... 3, I think... so we're gonna have to... So we'll have to keep an eye on him because I don't want him to go crazy just like Ric did
Meredith: Elena... It looks like Jeremy died of extreme blood loss. His neck also appears to be broken. The lack of blood explains why there's no lividity, but his muscles have tightened past the point of rigor mortis. No. If he's left unattended to, soon he'll start to bloat. Within a few hours, his skin will discolor, and...
Elena: No, stop okay? Just stop. He's not dead
Meredith: I need you to release the body to me. We'll get him to a funeral home and prepare him for a viewing where you and his friends can say good-bye to him
Elena: He's not dead, ok?
(She rushes over Meredith and strangles her but Stefan catches her)
Stefan: Elena, stop it
Elena: Now you're all about science? Where was your science when you used vampire blood to save my life, huh? There is no science here. It's just magic. We need magic. We have to find Bonnie. Bonnie can fix this. Somebody just get me Bonnie!
(Matt enters and sees Jeremy. He's chocked)
Matt: Elena...
Elena: No, no. No, Matt. It's fine. It's ok. It's ok. Bonnie will be here soon, and she'll fix everything, and it'll be all fine. Everything is gonna be fine. It'll be fine. It'll be fine. It'll be fine
(Elena and Matt are in the kitchen. He gives her a cup of tea)
Elena: You're not dosing me again, are you?
Matt: Poison your best friend once, and suspicion follows you forever. Where are Bonnie and Damon?
Elena: We lost Bonnie on the island. Damon stayed back to try and find her
Matt: That's funny. Doesn't he hate her?
Elena: He doesn't hate her. I think he actually kind of loves her. You're mean to the people that you care about
Matt: That's some messed-up logic
Elena: Damon logic
Matt: Damon logic. Listen. I want you to go somewhere with me
Elena: I can't leave Jeremy
Matt: Elena... There's nothing you can do right now, ok? Stefan can stay here with him. Come with me. Please
[The Island]
(Damon is with Vaughn)
Damon: Here's the thing. I was completely willing to accept the fact that you were one man on a lonely mission to kill ol' Silas, and then I got boned by my Vixen Nemesis miss Katherine Pierce, and then I start thinking there's no way that this is a coincidence. So what do you know, huh?
(Rebekah rejoins them)
Damon: Took you long enough
Rebekah: Sorry. I had to dig the arrow out of my spine. Thank you for that
Damon: Well, if you want a lead on Katherine Pierce, here's your guy
Vaughn: Torture me all you want. You can't kill me. The hunter's curse will torment you forever
Damon: It'll be worth it
Rebekah: He's right. You can't kill him, but that doesn't mean we can't tear him apart piece by piece, nerve by nerve until the pain is so severe, that your brain shuts it off to give you one tiny moment of blessed relief, and then we'll heal you and do it again and again and again
Damon: You are creepy
Rebekah: Thank you
Vaughn: I was tracking dens of vampires across Colorado. Katherine found me, said she could help me find Silas. She already knew about the hunter's mark, the cure
Damon: How?
Vaughn: Oh, she had someone on the inside, some werewolf girl, friends with your Professor
Damon: Hayley, Tyler Lockwood's old friend. Ah, I knew she was shady. Where'd Katherine find her?
Vaughn: New Orleans. That's all I know
Damon: Ah. Good. Let's throw him in a well. If he starves to death, it's not our fault. I'm gonna go find Bonnie
Rebekah: We've got a lead on the cure, Damon. I'm gonna find I but it suppose you don't mind. You never wanted Elena to be human again, anyway
Damon: I wanted that cure for her because it's what she wanted. You might think I'm afraid to go back, but I'm not because I know what she needs. She needs me to bring her best friend home
(Shane and Bonnie are walking through the woods)
Shane: We got to get you home if you're gonna help Silas raise the dead
Bonnie: I don't understand what I can do
Shane: Well, Silas can't do magic. He was a witch, but after he became immortal, that ended. He can be a witch or a vampire, but never both. That's why I've been teaching you expressions, so you can do his work for him
Bonnie: What? How?
Shane: Using the power of 3 massacres. Each massacre of 12 marks the earth with power, and you can use expression to tap into that power
Bonnie: 3? You've had 36 people killed?
Shane: No. I've had 24 people killed... 12 humans at the Young farm, 12 hybrids. You and I are gonna complete the triangle
Bonnie: We're what?
Shane: Look. There needs to be another massacre, but it's ok. They're gonna come back. It's worth it
Bonnie: I'm not helping you kill 12 people, Shane
Shane: Won't you if it meant you can see Jeremy again, your grams, everybody you and your friends ever lost? I think you would
Bonnie: No
(She runs but falls. When she turns herself she sees Jeremy)
Jeremy: Bonnie
Bonnie: Jeremy?
Jeremy: It hurts
Bonnie: Jeremy
Jeremy: Help me
Bonnie: I can help you. I'll help you. I can help you
(She uses her powers but he disappears)
Shane: He asked you to help him, didn't he? He needs your help. You can do this, Bonnie. You know you can
Bonnie: I'll do whatever it takes
[Gilbert's House]
(Meredith is still here. Stefan too)
Meredith: I'm bumping the AC. We're not gonna be able to leave him in there for much longer
Stefan: Yeah. I know. I've been alive for almost two centuries now. You'd think with the amount of people that I've seen die, it would hurt less each time. Never does
Meredith: No. No. It never does. I see this every day. Sometimes I think that denial is the worst part for people like us because we know the truth. We can see they're on a collision course with it, and all we can do is brace ourselves for impact
(Stefan's phone rings. He answers. It's Damon)
Stefan: Did you find her?
Damon: I'm still looking. How is she?
Stefan: She's losing it, Damon. We can do what we can to delay things here, but we got to get Jeremy to the morgue before it gets ugly
Damon: Damn it. I can't just leave her behind. I can't show up without Bonnie
Stefan: I think you have to. At this point, the sire bond is probably the only thing that's gonna keep Elena together. I can go back to find Bonnie
Damon: I'm on my way
[The Island]
(Damon hangs up. Bonnie arrives)
Damon: I could actually hug you right now
(He hugs her)
Damon: Where have you been? How'd you find me?
Bonnie: Shane led the way. He told me what to do, Damon. I know how to bring Jeremy back
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Mystic Falls' High School]
(Matt brings Elena to the stoner pit)
Elena: You brought me to the stoner pit?
Matt: I want you to see something
(He shows her a tag)
Elena: Vicki
Matt: Remember when Jer was so into my sister?
Elena: When our parents died. It was his rebel phase
Matt: I found this after Vick died. It made me smile... And this
(He shows her another tag)
Elena: Jeremy and Vicky. Did he do that?
Matt: After they found Vick's body, I remember thinking that things didn't feel over, you know, that there was no possible way that she could be gone forever. Then she wasn't. My point is, this town, this crazy-ass world we live in, sometimes not being willing to accept that someone is gone is because maybe they're not... At least not completely
Elena: Is that really what you believe?
Matt: Yes
Elena: If I compelled you to tell me the truth, is that what you would say?
Matt: I would tell you that it's ok to have hope... Because sometimes that's all that keeps me going
Elena: Thanks, Matt
(Her phone rings. She answers)
Elena: Stefan?
Stefan: Hey. Damon found Bonnie. The plane is there waiting for them when they get off the island. They'll be home in a few hours
Elena: Thank God. Is she ok?
Stefan: Yeah. He said she's fine. Listen, Elena. You might have been right. There might be something
Elena: She knows what to do, doesn't she?
Stefan: Let's just see what she says when she gets home, ok?
Elena: Ok. We'll be home soon
[The Island]
(Rebekah and Vaughn are in the well)
Vaughn: You know, if you're smart, you'll use the cure to kill Silas
Rebekah: Killing Silas is your supernatural destiny, not mine
Vaughn: All right. Ok. Well, you be careful up there, you know, because he's up there running about
Rebekah: You sure about that?
Vaughn: You don't believe me? Check my pack
(She checks and finds Silas' mask)
Vaughn: I found it in the chamber where he lay. They say no one has seen him. No one knows his face. How do you hide from the devil when you don't know what he looks like? Who knows? Maybe I'm him. Mark my words, if you don't use the cure to kill him, doesn't matter if you're human or vampire. You're doomed. We all are
(She leaves and he screams after her)
Vaughn: Good luck to you, Lass. You've all brought this upon yourselves. May you rot in it! Ha ha ha!
[Gilbert's House]
(Caroline gets out of her car and leaves a voicemail to Tyler)
Caroline: Tyler, it's me again. So I was thinking about it, and you probably ditched your phone, which is the smartest thing that you could do. So I don't know when you're gonna get this, but things were looking kind of bleak for a minute, and... I don't know... Maybe they're turning around So when you get this, call me back, and I'll tell you everything
(Damon and Bonnie arrive)
Caroline: Thank God. We were so, so worried
Bonnie: I'm ok
Damon: Could you get Stefan out here?
Caroline: They said that she knows what to do
Damon: Caroline, I need to talk to my brother
Caroline: What's wrong?
[The Island]
(Bonnie is looking at Shane)
Bonnie: I'll do whatever it takes. Whatever you ask of me, I'll do
Shane: Then you will see him again .There's just a few things we have to do first
[Gilbert's House]
(Bonnie, Elena, Caroline and Matt are sitting at the kitchen table)
Bonnie: It's called an expression triangle. I need to complete it for Silas
Matt: What?
(Stefan and Damon are outside)
Damon: She's out of her mind, Stefan. The nutty Professor has got her totally brainwashed
Matt: Bonnie, you can't kill 12 people
Bonnie: I know it sounds crazy, but it's the only way to get enough power
Caroline: To do what?!
Earlier
[The Island]
Shane: When Silas was buried by the witch Qetsiyah, she left him with the cure and two choices... Stay mortal and rot or take the cure and eventually die in there of old age
Bonnie: At some point, wouldn't death by old age have been better?
Shane: No, because, you see, Qetsiyah had already one-upped him. She knew that he wanted to die so that he could find peace, be reunited with his one true love. So she created the other side as a purgatory for all supernatural beings, ensuring that if he died, he'd end up there forever. That's where you come in
Bonnie: Why me?
Shane: Because you, as Qetsiyah's descendant can make the other side go away
Bonnie: How?
Now
[Gilbert's House]
(Damon and Stefan are still outside)
Damon: I mean, the whole flight back home, all she could talk about was how she's the one that can drop the veil between this side and the other side
Stefan: Drop the veil? What does that even mean?
Damon: What it means is, the myth about Silas being able to raise the dead is not just one or some. It's every supernatural being over there
Bonnie: Once the veil is dropped, the other side doesn't exist anymore. There's nothing separating us. We're all just one
Damon: 3 massacres, 3 hot spots, and the witch spell of the century, every supernatural being over there is back with a vengeance
Earlier
[The Island]
Bonnie: I can't do that
Shane: What? Oh, no. Yes, you can. Yes, you can. All the witches, your ancestors, who've been persecuted throughout time, your grams, Jeremy, they'll all be back. You can do this. You will do this
Present
[Gilbert's House]
Caroline: Bonnie, you are talking like a crazy person. You are not killing 12 people, and you sure as hell can't invite every monster who has ever died back into this world
Matt: Caroline, I think she knows that
Bonnie: I can bring everyone back... Jeremy, Alaric, Vicki
Caroline: Bonnie, stop it. You can't just say these things
(The phone rings. Everyone stops)
Elena: I'll get it
Matt: Hey, look. I'll get it
Elena: I said I'll get it
(She answers)
Elena: Hello?
April: Elena, hey. It's April... Young. I was looking for Jeremy, and his cell phone keeps going straight to voicemail
Elena: Jeremy can't come to the phone right now. He's not... I'm sorry. He's dead
(Elena goes in Jeremy's bedroom. She looks at his body. Damon enters)
Elena: He's dead. He's dead. Damon, he's dead, and he's been dead this entire time, and I... Oh, my God. I can smell him. How long has he smelled like that?
Damon: Hey, talk to me. I can help you
Elena: How? How are you gonna help me? How? Ok. Ok. We have to take care of his body. Bring him downstairs
Damon: We shouldn't...
Elena: Just carry him down, please
(She goes downstairs)
Elena: Where's Bonnie?
Stefan: We told Matt to take her home. We thought it'd be best
Elena: Ok. Guess we're gonna have to do this the old-fashioned way
Caroline: Do what?
(Damon is there, carrying Jeremy's body)
Elena: Put his body on the couch
(She looks for something)
Caroline: Elena? Elena, you need help finding something?
Elena: Got it
(She puts alcohol everywhere)
Stefan: What are you doing?
Elena: We need a cover story, right? You think I didn't hear you guys talking earlier? Well, what are we gonna say... Animal attack, tumble down the stairs? No. We burn the house down with him inside of it
Stefan: Elena, stop it
Elena: Why, because you want me to not be in denial? You want me to face the truth? This is the truth, Stefan. I don't want to live here anymore. I don't want these sketches. I don't want this Xbox. Not gonna need this bourbon anymore. Alaric is not here to drink it, I mean, unless you guys are willing to bring back every supernatural creature on the other side to get him hick. Would you? I know you want your drinking buddy back. Would you, Damon? Because I wouldn't. I don't know. I mean, does that make me a bad person? I have no idea
(She removes Jeremy's ring)
Elena: He's not gonna need that anymore
Caroline: Elena, stop it. You're scaring me
Elena: What else are we supposed to do with the body, Caroline? I mean, there's no room in the Gilbert family plot. Jenna and John took the last spots
Stefan: No, no, Elena. Stop
Elena: There's nothing here for me anymore, Stefan. Every inch of this house is filled with memories of the people that I love that have died... My mom, my dad, Jeremy, and Jenna and Alaric, John, even John. I mean, they're all dead. Everyone is dead. So what am I supposed to... I mean, how am I gonna... I can't even... There's nothing left for me. Aah!
Damon: Elena, I need you to calm down
Elena: No, no, no. I can't. I can't. I can't. I... I can't. I can't. No. It hurts. It hurts. Just make it stop. Please make it stop. It hurts. Ah...
Stefan: Damon... help her
Damon: I can help you. I want you to let me help you. I can help you
Elena: How?
Damon: Turn it off
Stefan: What? No, no
Damon: Just turn it off, and everything will go away. That's what you have to do. It's what I want you to do. Just turn it off
[Caroline's House]
(Caroline is leaving a voicemail to Tyler)
Caroline: Hey it's me. Look, I hate to leave this on your voicemail, but I think that you need to know. Jeremy is dead, Tyler. I'm so sorry. I thought that you would call and I could tell you, but then you didn't so... Just call me when you get this, ok? I need you, and there's no way that yesterday was the last time that I'm ever going to see you or talk to you It can't be. So just... Call me, Tyler. Please
[Bonnie's House]
(Matt stops his car in front of Bonnie's house)
Bonnie: It's gonna be ok, Matt, you'll see. I'll bring him back
Matt: Get some sleep, Bon. We can talk tomorrow
(She gets out of the car. She goes to her house and looks for her keys. Shane appears)
Shane: Did you tell them?
Bonnie: They don't think I can do it
Shane: Oh, they're just scared. They're afraid to believe
Bonnie: You know, I've been thinking. You said if I dropped the veil to the other side that the dead will return, but that's only for the supernatural. What about the 12 people that died on the Young farm?
Shane: They were a necessary sacrifice for the greater good. They've passed on. They've found peace. It's all anyone wants. That's all Silas wants. We'll do this together, you and I. We are the beginning
[The island]
(Rebekah is alone in the woods and finds Shane, lying on the ground)
Rebekah: Blast it. Shane
Shane: Silas
[Gilbert's House]
(Damon and Stefan are on the porch)
Stefan: It was a mistake
Damon: It wasn't, and you know it. This is the only way she's gonna survive. We'll help her, keep an eye on her. When she's ready, I'll use the sire bond to bring her back
Stefan: Her humanity, Damon, it was all she had left
Damon: Humanity means nothing when you don't have anyone to care about, Stefan
Stefan: She had you
Damon: She lost her brother. I'm not enough, not this time
Stefan: Listen, Damon. I know that you and I, we've been through some... Bad spots lately, especially when it comes to her
Damon: Yeah. Well... Guess none of that matters anymore
Stefan: I just, um... I want you to know that, um...
Damon: I know, Stefan
(Elena lights a match. Stefan and Damon enter)
Damon: Elena, don't do this. We can find another cover story
Elena: This is the best one. No one will ask questions
Stefan: Ok. If you burn down the house, it'll be gone. What if one day when this is all over, you want to come home again?
Elena: I won't
(She throws the match and the house sets on fire. They go out and the house burns) | Plan: A: Bonnie; Q: Who agrees to help Shane by killing twelve more people? A: the proper magic; Q: What does Bonnie need to kill twelve more people to get? A: the veil; Q: What must be broken to bring back the dead? A: life; Q: What will every supernatural being that has died come back to if the veil is broken? A: Silas; Q: Who is trapped on the other side of the veil? A: his true love; Q: Who will Silas be reunited with when he dies? A: her plans; Q: What does Bonnie tell everyone about? A: a terrible idea; Q: What do the other characters think of Bonnie's plan? A: Caroline; Q: Who tries to reach Tyler but is unsuccessful? A: a hard time; Q: How does Matt react to Jeremy's death? A: Rebekah; Q: Who leaves Vaughn to die in a cave? A: no one; Q: Who is safe from Silas? A: Damon; Q: Who makes Elena shut off her humanity? A: the switch; Q: What does Elena flip to burn down the Gilbert house? A: Gilbert; Q: Whose house does Elena burn down to cover up Jeremy's death? A: Mystic Falls; Q: Where does Silas return to after Elena burns down the Gilbert house? A: the group; Q: Who does Silas return to Mystic Falls with? Summary: After much denial, Elena realizes that Jeremy is truly dead. Bonnie agrees to help Shane by killing twelve more people to get the proper magic needed to break the veil between this realm and where all supernatural beings go when they die. If this veil is broken successfully, every supernatural being that has died will come back to life. Also, with the veil broken, Silas will no longer be trapped on the otherside when he dies, thus finally being able to be reunited with his true love. When Bonnie tells everyone about her plans, they all tell her it's a terrible idea. Caroline tries to reach Tyler but is unsuccessful. Matt has a hard time with Jeremy's death. Rebekah leaves Vaughn to die in a cave after he warns her that no one is safe from Silas. Damon makes Elena shut off her humanity because the pain of losing Jeremy is too much for her. After she flips the switch, Elena burns down the Gilbert house as a cover story for Jeremy's death. Disguised as Shane, Silas returns back to Mystic Falls with the group. |
MUSIC IN:
EXT. ROCK CREEK PARK - DAY
JEREMY: Do you like Mom's new boyfriend?
SEAN: I haven't decided yet.
JEREMY: I like him.
SEAN: You only like him because he bought us PSPs.
JEREMY: So you don't like him?
SEAN: I didn't say that. I'm just saying I wouldn't be too nice to him. We play it cool, an Xbox could be right around the corner. (BEAT) What's up?
JEREMY: It's already March, Sean.
SEAN: It's still frozen. See? Come on. Oh, chicken.
(SFX: CHICKEN CLUCKING)
(MUSIC OVER ACTION/JEREMY RUNS ACROSS THE ICE)
JEREMY: Oh, who's the chicken now?
SEAN: I'm coming!(MUSIC OVER ACTION)
JEREMY: Hurry up or I'm going to tell Mom! Come on, Sean!
SEAN: (GASPS)
(MUSIC UP AND OUT)
(THEME MUSIC UP OVER OPENING TITLE/SCENES/ CREDITS AND OUT)
MUSIC IN:
INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY
TONY: Apricot oil, aloe vera... shea butter?
ZIVA: I didn't know you were so interested in skin care.
TONY: Yeah, it's not mine. It's McGee's. Maybe the Probie is gay.
MCGEE: I'm not gay, Tony.
ZIVA: Are you saying there's something wrong with being gay, Timothy?
MCGEE: No, that is not what I am saying.
TONY: Bi-curious. I suppose now you're gonna tell us that a lot of your friends are of the homosexual persuasion and that I should be more sensitive.
MCGEE: No, actually, I was going to tell you to stay out of my desk.
TONY: Right, because you wouldn't want word spreading that you're (READING) "Deep moisturizing to bring out your feminine glow."
MCGEE: I have dry skin, okay? My doctor recommended it.
TONY: (LAUGHS) Well, you're walking a slippery slope there, Probilitious. Before you know it you're going to be taking bubble baths with your clogs on.
MCGEE: What is wrong with bubble baths?
GIBBS: Load up. Just got a break in the Ryan Downing case.
ZIVA: Downing?
MCGEE: Weapons Company First Sergeant.
TONY: Went U.A. last November on leave from Iraq. Not a peep since. What's the break, Boss?
GIBBS: Two kids found the First Sergeant floating under six inches of ice.
TONY: Ice? That means...
ZIVA: You're now going to make a really juvenile cold-case joke?
TONY: It was a really good one, too.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. ELEVATOR - DAY
MCGEE: Is something wrong, Boss?
GIBBS: Just admiring your feminine glow.
(SFX: DOORS SLIDE CLOSED)
[SCENE_BREAK]
EXT. PARK - NIGHT
TALBOT: Can't say I'm disappointed this one's yours. We'll leave the lights if you guys return them. We've worked with NCIS before.
GIBBS: What do you got?
DUCKY: Hopefully not pneumonia. That could be the death of me.
GIBBS: I'm talking about the dead guy, Duck.
JIMMY: Technically, paramedics have a saying concerning cold-water drownings, Agent Gibbs. They say the victim isn't dead until he's warm and dead.
DUCKY: I think we can make an exception in this case, Mister Palmer.
GIBBS: Not a drowning. This pond's barely six feet deep.
DUCKY: Yes, I once conducted an autopsy on a man who drowned in his kitchen sink. Yes, apparently he couldn't loosen the drain plug and he attempted to use his teeth.
GIBBS: I thought you were cold, Duck?
DUCKY: Yes, well, it will be impossible to determine the exact cause of death until he thaws. These three holes in his coat could be crucial.
GIBBS: How about time of death?
DUCKY: Yeah, well decomposition suggests well, anywhere from two weeks to...
JIMMY: Four months. Depending on how many times the pond has thawed out this winter.
DUCKY: Very good, Mister Palmer. Of course, I'll have to check the meteorological data for the area before we speculate further. Strap him up.
TONY: I'm just saying, Probie, the whole metrosexual thing isn't working for you.
MCGEE: I got it, Tony. Joke is over.
TONY: I'm not joking, man. We all know that the ladies love a macho man who is in touch with his feminine side. But I've got to tell you, I think you're coming off... a little gay.
ZIVA: Because he uses body lotion and likes to take bubble baths? I--
TONY: Did you forget the manicure?
MCGEE: The manicure was only once and it was because I tore a cuticle.
TONY: You just set off gay-dar across the entire Atlantic seaboard.
MCGEE: Tony, I am not gay!
TONY: This isn't about orientation. This is about image.
ZIVA: So, now your image is homo-pubic?
TONY: The term is "homophobic." And no. Prejudice of any kind is an ugly thing. Listen, girls like guys who like guys but they like guys who like guys who like--
MCGEE: Tony, back it up!
TONY: I know. It's thick soup, man.
MCGEE: The flash light! Back it up!
TONY: What? Tree branch?
GIBBS: Wearing a steel-toed boot?
TONY: Eagle eye, Boss.
GIBBS: Mark it.
ZIVA: Got another one!
TONY: These things always come in threes.
GIBBS: Already got three, DiNozzo.
MCGEE: Make it four!
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. AUTOPSY ROOM - DAY
(SFX: SNEEZE)
DUCKY: I supposed a "bless you" is too much to ask for.
JIMMY: Oh, bless you, Doctor.
DUCKY: I wasn't talking to you, Mister Palmer. You know, the interesting thing about the sternutatory reflex is that no one knows exactly when it first began. Many theories abound...
GIBBS: And you know them all, don't you, Doctor Mallard?
DUCKY: Know them? I once wrote a sonnet on the subject for an old flame. She suffered from the most horrendous allergies. Yes, how did it go? "Doth thy heart skip a beat when..."
GIBBS: (OVERLAP) I'm not a big fan of poetry, Duck.
DUCKY: Well, as it turned out, neither was she. In fact...
GIBBS: Why am I here?
DUCKY: Why?
GIBBS: Why am I here?
DUCKY: Oh, you were correct earlier on, Jethro. Our First Sergeant didn't drown. None of our bodies did.
JIMMY: They were all shot.
DUCKY: First Sergeant Downing received the most damage. Three in the chest. Here, here, and here. And one to the back, just below the heart.
GIBBS: That's the kill shot.
DUCKY: Yes, well it ruptured his inferior vena cava. As to our walking pictograms, one bullet each.
GIBBS: Are these gang tats?
DUCKY: That's not my field of expertise. But I've had Mister Palmer document the entire line for further investigation.
JIMMY: Some of them were quite um... explicit.
DUCKY: Jethro, this young man was shot in the front, just below the left clavicle. And this young man was shot in the back. This young man... ah... was also shot in the back. Like our First Sergeant. Back, front, front, back. The pattern is quite random. I believe the phrase is turkey shoot.
GIBBS: More like massacre.
TONY: (V.O.) Definitely gang tats.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY
MCGEE: How can you be sure?
TONY: Just a feeling. I'm sure you know what those are like, don't you, McGee?
GIBBS: Feeling, DiNozzo?
TONY: That, and I faxed a copy to a buddy at the Baltimore P.D. He's sending me intel that he's got back...
GIBBS: What do you got?
MCGEE: I have got an upper limit on the time frame. (BEAT) It's an ATM receipt. It used to be an ATM receipt. The ink's washed off, but the dimensions matched the receipt paper used by First Sergeant Downing's bank. I checked his records. Last withdrawal November eighteenth.
GIBBS: The day he was reported missing.
TONY: No I.D. on the other three ice cubes yet. But the dredge team did find a weapon. H.P. Browning. Ziva brought it down to Abby.
GIBBS: Brass.
TONY: Nothing. It's pretty far off the beaten track about five hundred meters from the nearest main road. You know what that means.
GIBBS: The bodies were dumped.
MCGEE: By who?
GIBBS: That's a good question, McGee. Why don't you find me an answer?
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. LAB - DAY
ZIVA: Okay, if you slide your heel further back it'll decrease your exposure.
ABBY: Won't that throw off my lateral balance?
ZIVA: Balance isn't usually the primary concern on a mission.
ABBY: What is?
GIBBS: The guy shooting back. Which is what I'm going to start doing if you two don't get back to work.
ABBY: Gibbs, I was the one waiting for you!
GIBBS: What are you waiting for now, Abs?
ABBY: I ran ballistics on the Browning.
ZIVA: Rifling patterns indicate it didn't fire any of the slugs Ducky pulled from the First Sergeant.
ABBY: Thirty nine millimeter Parabellum and a forty five.
ZIVA: Which means Downing was shot by at least two unaccounted for weapons.
GIBBS: I got that part.
ZIVA: The dredge crew is still looking. Hopefully more weapons will turn up.
ABBY: The good news is I matched the Browning to the slugs pulled from the other three victims.
GIBBS: Any prints?
ABBY: No, not by a long shot. And a GSR would be pointless because it's been underwater for so long. But I did run the serial number. The gun is registered to First Sergeant Ryan Downing. Looks like he went down fighting for his life.
ZIVA: Or committed triple homicide.
(MUSIC UP AND OUT)
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. MTAC ROOM - DAY
SHEPARD: Jethro.
GIBBS: The three bodies found with First Sergeant Downing ...
SHEPARD: Were killed with his personal weapon. I heard. Where are your glasses?
GIBBS: Oh, I forgot them.
SHEPARD: I don't like what it says either.
GIBBS: First Sergeants don't go looking for this kind of payback.
SHEPARD: You would.
GIBBS: I was only a Gunny.
SHEPARD: The Marine Corps is worried his Company is going to come back from Iraq and look for revenge. It could be a bloodbath. Ah, how do you drink that swill?
GIBBS: How much time do I have?
SHEPARD: They were ordered to return this week.
GIBBS: Were?
SHEPARD:
SHEPARD: The rotation's been held up 'til your investigation's over. They're still in a war zone instead of with their families, Jethro. (CONT.) I don't care if First Sergeant Downing killed those gang bangers. If he didn't, find out who did. If he did, close the case.
GIBBS: They're wrong, Jenny. You do care. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO:
INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY
MCGEE: Ziva? If I ask you a question, you'll be honest with me, right?
ZIVA: Of course, McGee.
MCGEE: What Tony was saying about me before, you know, do I come off as unmanly?
ZIVA: I think Tony was jerking your brain.
MCGEE: Chain? Jerking my chain?
ZIVA: Whatever. I think you are appropriately masculine. However, perhaps not macho. Tony and Gibbs are tough guys. Yes? They're...
MCGEE: So I'm not tough?
GIBBS: If you have to ask. Are these the other victims?
ZIVA: Alejandro Marquez, Jorge Rubio, and Hector "The Hammer" Menendez. All members of the L.V.M.
MCGEE: L.V.M., Boss, that stands for...
GIBBS: La Vida Mala. El Salvadorean street gang.
ZIVA: Not just a street gang, Gibbs. They have thirty thousand members worldwide. They deal drugs, run guns...
GIBBS: They also hire themselves out as hit men.
ZIVA: Yes. Which is what two of their members were allegedly doing a year ago, when they mistakenly shot a Private First Class ...
GIBBS: Martin Reggio. A Marine from First Sergeant Downing's company. We couldn't prove it.
ZIVA: Downing was on a revenge mission.
GIBBS: First Sergeants don't go on revenge missions, Officer David.
ZIVA: I would. Why not a Marine First Sergeant?
GIBBS: They have more control than you do. Do either one of you have anything new to offer to this?
MCGEE: Yeah, Boss. I think I do. These three here, they weren't just members of LVM. According to the FBI here, they are all Lieutenants in LVMs Manassas chapter.
GIBBS: The boss?
MCGEE: Miguel Sosa.
GIBBS: Why are we standing here?
MCGEE: He's missing. He's been MIA since these three disappeared a few months ago.
GIBBS: Let's go meet his replacement. DiNozzo! Where the hell have you been?
TONY: I come bearing gifts. I spent the night at Rock Creek Park. And I found these when they drained the pond.
ZIVA: Whoa! That's a big one.
GIBBS: Are you expecting an 'atta boy?
TONY: I thought it would be nice.
GIBBS: 'Atta boy.
TONY: I'm just doing my job, Boss.
GIBBS: I know that!
[SCENE_BREAK]
EXT. STREET - DAY
MCGEE: I don't think this is the headquarters of a world wide crime syndicate.(SFX: CAR DOORS OPEN/CLOSE)
ZIVA: What did you expect, McGee? Corporate headquarters building?
(SFX: MUSIC PLAYS B.G.)
ZIVA: They're all armed.
GIBBS: Keep your eyes open. Spread out. (TO MEMBERS) Who's El Jefe?
CAESAR: You are, Officer.
MCGEE: Hey. We're not local cops. We're Federal Agents.
CAESAR: Federales?
MCGEE: Who's in charge?
CAESAR: In charge? In charge of what?
MCGEE: The Manassas chapter of La Vida Mala.
CAESAR: Inside.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. RESTAURANT - DAY
TOMAS: You're either DEA or Immigration. You're not FBI. They wear suits.
GIBBS: NCIS.
CAESAR: Navy cops.
TOMAS: What'd we do to piss you off? Come on, man. We get blamed for everything these days. Help me out. We steal the Admiral's car?
CAESAR: Or his cazoncillos?(SFX: LAUGHTER)
GIBBS: You killed two Marines. The first in a drive-by shooting. The other in Rock Creek Park.
TOMAS: Take me away. You want one of them instead? Go with the Federales. They need a suspect.
GIBBS: We know who did it.
MCGEE: You can keep those.
GIBBS: Don't look surprised.
TOMAS: I never seen them before.
MCGEE: They used to run your organization.
TOMAS: Organization? (LAUGHS) We're a social club.
GIBBS: You're not El Jefe.
TOMAS: No. Who am I?
GIBBS: El Gordo. (The fat one) See? Nobody laughs at the boss. You have El Jefe give me a call, or I book him the next seat on the flight to Gitmo.
TOMAS: You can't do that. We're not terrorists.
GIBBS: Ziva?
ZIVA: I'll have Tel Aviv produce an intercept between Al Qaeda and this... social club. You want photos?
GIBBS: That would be good.
ZIVA: It might take me twenty-four hours.
GIBBS: Okay. Twenty four hours.
[SCENE_BREAK]
EXT. STREET - DAY
GIBBS: Get a surveillance team on this taco shack.
MCGEE: Actually, it's a pupusa shack, Boss. I'm just saying, tacos are historically associated with...
GIBBS: Ziva, you make sure they're visible. Okay, McGee? You come back here. You pick up anybody who's got a La Vida Mala clown tat.
MCGEE: What for, exactly?
GIBBS: I don't care, McGee. Driving around the block. I don't care, McGee.
MCGEE: Okay, so you want us to shake them up.
ZIVA: If they're worried we're on to something, they start talking to each other.
GIBBS: Get me intercepts on their cell phones, computers, pagers, smoke signals... any way they communicate.
MCGEE: Uh, Boss? How are we going to get a judge to sign off on all that?
ZIVA: Didn't you hear, McGee? La Vida Mala has ties to Al Qaeda.
MCGEE: Well, yeah. But weren't we just saying that to....?
GIBBS: Unbelievable.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY
(SFX: DOORS SLIDE OPEN)
TONY: I heard you rumbled with the Sharks.
ZIVA: The Sharks?
TONY: Yeah. (SNAPS FINGERS) Westside Story?
ZIVA: Yes, McGee was quite impressive.
TONY: Ah, you didn't threaten them, did you?
MCGEE: Sort of.
TONY: I had a buddy on the Baltimore gang unit, did that to the local LVM. They found his head in Crawford Park. Never did find the rest of him. You think I'd lie to you?
GIBBS: Yes.
TONY: To McGee I would lie. Never to you, Sir. Never to you. Look out! Look out!
(SFX: ZIVA LAUGHS)
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. LAB - DAY
GIBBS: I hope you've earned this, Abby.
ABBY: Oh, the Director already hooked me up. She wanted an update. But I didn't tell her anything. I swear. She's been on her phone since she got here.
(SFX: GIBBS PUTS THE DRINK IN THE TRASH CAN)
SHEPARD: Oh, that's mature.(BEEPS)
GIBBS: You have something for me?
ABBY: As a matter of fact, I do.
GIBBS: You looking over my shoulder again, Director?
SHEPARD: Why? You feel a little crowded?
GIBBS: Yeah, a little.(BEEPS)
SHEPARD: How's that?
GIBBS: Better.
ABBY: These are the four rounds taken from First Sergeant Downing's body. Three nine-millimeter Parabellum and one forty-five. I matched the forty five to the Colt. That's a no brainer. The nine millimeters are trickier. But I got a definite match on the Beretta and the Tec-Nine. That leaves us with this final round. The runt of the litter. Ducky said it went into the back and lodged in the chest plate.
GIBBS: Kill shot.
ABBY: The rifling was almost stripped. It made it almost impossible to find out which weapon it came from. But I did it.
SHEPARD: Which one was it?
ABBY: Neither.
SHEPARD: We're missing a weapon.
GIBBS: Then we're missing a shooter.
(MUSIC OUT)
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. MTAC - DAY
ARVIDAS: (ON MONITOR) I understand you've got a job to do, Agent Gibbs. My Marines have done theirs. It's time for them to come home.
GIBBS: I agree, Captain.
ARVIDAS: (ON MONITOR) Well then why is my Company still sitting in Iraq?
GIBBS: You lost two Marines to a Virginia street gang, Skipper. Would you like me to spell it out for you?
ARVIDAS: (ON MONITOR) Headquarters is afraid of reprisals.
GIBBS: Not only Headquarters. PFC Reggio was killed in a drive-by shooting one week before your deployment. Now your First Sergeant turns up dead...?
ARVIDAS: (ON MONITOR) You think First Sergeant Downing was out for revenge?
GIBBS: His body was found in a frozen pond with three dead gang-bangers. His weapon was used to kill them. You tell me, Captain.
ARVIDAS: (ON MONITOR) No way. Not his style, Agent Gibbs.
GIBBS: What was he doing back on leave in the States?
ARVIDAS: (ON MONITOR) His father had cancer. Terminal. He wanted a chance to say goodbye.
GIBBS: I hope he got it. He was shot four times. Kill shot was in his back.
ARVIDAS: (ON MONITOR) You're a Marine. Do you know any First Sergeants that would leave their men in combat to go chase after some street punks?
GIBBS: No, Skipper. I don't.
ARVIDAS: (ON MONITOR) Neither do I. Well, what are you going to do about it?
GIBBS: We're working on the case on this end. As soon as I know, you'll know.
SILVA: (ON MONITOR) Sir!? You people had a year to catch Reggio's killers and didn't do it!!
ARVIDAS: (ON MONITOR) At ease, Lance Corporal Silva.
SILVA: (ON MONITOR) But Sir!
ARVIDAS: (ON MONITOR) At ease, Marine!
SILVA: (ON MONITOR) Sorry, Sir. I didn't mean to...
ARVIDAS: (ON MONITOR) Your watch is over, Marine. We'll talk about this later
SILVA: (ON MONITOR) Yes, Sir.
ARVIDAS: (ON MONITOR) I got one hundred and eighty two other Marines wondering the same thing, Agent Gibbs. Don't let them down this time.
(MONITOR OFF)
GIBBS: You looking over my shoulder again, Jen?
SHEPARD: Not exactly. He's right, you know. You can't let them down.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY
MCGEE: El Gordo's cell phone again. (SFX: TAPED VOICES IN SPANISH B.G.)
TONY: Probably his Mamacita. For a gangster, this guy leads a pretty boring life.
TONY: Ziva, habla Espanol?
ZIVA: Si. Mucho.
TONY: Oh, bueno. Welcome to the wonderful world of Tomas Zepeda. He's all yours. Kill the speaker phone.
ZIVA: They are exchanging greetings. The plan for lunch. Oh, and a double feature is scheduled.
MCGEE: Movies?
ZIVA: Nope. Two hos are coming over for something called a rainbow party. Rainbow.
TONY: It's tough to translate slang. That's my specialty. I'll take over.
ZIVA: Hey, I know my cholo from my chile. I'll give you the summary. I'll... give you the summary.
TONY: Is that man-lotion working for you there, Probie?
MCGEE: I didn't shave today. I'm trying a new look.
TONY: When you say today, you mean the last couple of minutes or...
MCGEE: Abby seems to like it.
TONY: Like what?
ZIVA: It looks nice, McGee. It's very manly.
TONY: May I?
(TONY RUBS MCGEE'S CHIN)
GIBBS: DiNozzo!
TONY: Hey, boss.
GIBBS: Why are you touching his face?
TONY: I don't know, it feels good, though. It's like a bunny rabbit.
GIBBS: Don't!
TONY: Sorry.
GIBBS: What are the wiretaps telling us?
TONY: Not much. Zepeda, the big guy, U.S. citizen, made five calls today. Twice to his mother, two for food, and one just now concerning...
ZIVA: 'Hos. Slang for...
GIBBS: I know what it's slang for, Ziva.
TONY: The rest of the gang's conversations are even less promising.
ZIVA: The only member we've been unable to listen to is Cesar Bernal.
MCGEE: Almost invisible, Boss.
GIBBS: Almost, McGee?
MCGEE: He never talks on the phone. Only sends and receives text messages.
TONY: Twenty two since yesterday. All of them from Miguel Sosa in San Salvador.
MCGEE: Texts are coded, but it looks as though Sosa's still making the day to day decisions for the gang.
GIBBS: Then Bernal is his number two. Tony, get him in here.
TONY: On it, Boss.
GIBBS: Use your contacts. Find out everything you can about Sosa and what he's doing in El Salvador.
ZIVA: Done.
GIBBS: McGee?
MCGEE: Yeah.
GIBBS: You're trying too hard.
MCGEE: On it.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. INTERROGATION ROOM - DAY
(DOOR OPENS/ CLOSES)
GIBBS: Your friend Zepeda's a chump.
CESAR: You're probably right. Zepeda's an idiot. But last I heard, being stupid wasn't illegal.
GIBBS: I'm more interested in who killed my First Sergeant.
CESAR: You're talking to the wrong cholo, Senor. I'm just a small fish. Talk to the jefe.
GIBBS: I would, but I can't type. How about you?
CESAR: Why, do you want to hire me as your secretary or something?
GIBBS: No. No, because I can't pay you as well as your current employer, Miguel Sosa. No, I can't do that. You tell him I want to speak with him.
CESAR: Si. I delivered your Gitmo threat. Sosa said to ask you why you let your people live so far from work. That vato, McGee, and the Israeli chica, all the way out in Silver Spring? A long way, si? What if they need you pronto?
GIBBS: Threatening my people is never a good idea.
CESAR: I'm just the messenger.
GIBBS: A messenger that knows what happened at Rock Creek Park.
CESAR: Estoy muerto if I talk to you.
GIBBS: Estas muerto if you don't.
CESAR: Two Marines called Sosa to help unload captured Iraqi weapons.
GIBBS: Two Marines?
CESAR: Si. He sent our people to do a deal. He figured maybe the Marines would back off or, you know...what happened before.
GIBBS: Who was the other Marine?
CESAR: They don't invite me to these things. I'm just a messenger. I don't know!
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY
TONY: TONY: Three Marines from the company were on leave at the same time as First Sergeant Downing. Of those three, two were nowhere near D C. Which leaves Lance Corporal Jose Silva. (CONT.) Juvenile record, and suspected pre-Corps gang activity. He was also with PFC Reggio the night he was murdered.
GIBBS: I want him on a plane. Yesterday.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. AUTOPSY ROOM - DAY
(SFX: DUCKY WHISTLES)
(SFX: DOORS SLIDE OPEN)
DUCKY: Ah, Timothy. I suppose you're here for the D.O.D.?
MCGEE: Department of Defense?
DUCKY: No no. Date of death.
MCGEE: Yes.
DUCKY: Absence of larvae from airborne insects indicate the bodies were thrown into the water soon after death, and were immersed for months based on the presence of adipocere, otherwise known as mortuary fat.
MCGEE: The First Sergeant was stateside on leave from mid-November.
DUCKY: Yes, well the meteorological reports from the area indicate that the first hard freeze was December ninth. Is that aftershave I smell?
MCGEE: Old Spice. I had to shave mid-day.
DUCKY: Yes, I've heard about your infatuation with ... lotions.
MCGEE: The lotions were for a skin condition.
DUCKY: Oh, it's quite all right, Timothy. Skin care is something we should all take more seriously. In my opinion, there's absolutely nothing gay about it. Not that there's anything wrong with that.
MCGEE: I've heard. Uh... so hard freeze December ninth?
DUCKY: Our key is that the bodies were not frozen inside the ice, but were below it.
MCGEE: So they died after the ninth?
DUCKY: No no no no. No, human bodies sink until the gases created by the internal putrefaction have had time to accumulate.
(SFX: DOORS SLIDE OPEN)
GIBBS: How long does that take?
DUCKY: Under the forecasted weather conditions? Ten to fourteen days.
GIBBS: Bodies went into the water between November twenty fifth and December ninth. Or they would have resurfaced to the top and ice would have formed around them.
DUCKY: Precisely. Have we had any idea what our Marine was doing there yet?
GIBBS: No, Duck. I don't. But we've got to find out in eleven hours and thirty minutes. Hey!
(SFX: GIBBS WHISTLES)
[SCENE_BREAK]
EXT. TARMAC - DAY
GIBBS: How was the flight, Lance Corporal?
SILVA: It was um.... long, Sir. How much trouble am I in?
GIBBS: Trouble? Why would you say that?
SILVA: Four NCIS agents escorting one Lance Corporal?
TONY: You got it all wrong, Marine. She's Mossad.
(SFX: CAR ENGINE STARTS)
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. CAR - MOVING
GIBBS: I hope you slept on the plane, Lance Corporal.
TONY: Yeah. It's going to be a long night. You want to get the cash first, or the Iraqi weapons?
(SFX: CAR ACCELERATES)
(SFX: CAR HORN HONKS)
ZIVA: I'm not scaring you, am I?
MCGEE: I'm fine.
SILVA: I don't know what you're talking about, Sir.
TONY: Really? Because you were on leave with First Sergeant Downing, and then you were with PFC Reggio the night he was killed in the drive-by shooting.
SILVA: I can't help a coincidence.
ZIVA: A coincidence, Lance Corporal? Five dead bodies, you're our only link.
(SFX: CAR HORN HONKS)
GIBBS: Your Company, your fellow Marines, are stuck in Iraq until we solve this case.
SILVA: You don't think I know that, Sir?
TONY: He knows, he just doesn't care.
GIBBS: Hey, so you know what? We had a name for guys like you when I was on active duty. Bravo Foxtrot.
TONY: And explicit term for sexual...
SILVA: It wasn't supposed to happen like this.
GIBBS: Like what?
(SFX: CAR ACCELERATES)
SILVA: If a drive-by killing isn't solved right away, the cops forget it. NCIS forgot about it. Private Reggio was my best friend. He died in my arms. I couldn't just let that go, Sir.
TONY: So you decided to turn a quick buck?
SILVA: No. I called Sosa to meet... but not to sell him any weapons. I wanted blood.
GIBBS: And your First Sergeant found out about it.
SILVA: I don't know how. But he did. He yanked my leave and restricted me to base.
GIBBS: And he went to the meeting in your place.
SILVA: He didn't go down there to kill anyone, Sir. He went down there to make peace. To end it. He didn't want anyone else to get hurt. If I could... I'd switch places with him. I would.
GIBBS: Yeah. Yeah, I think you would, Lance Corporal.
MUSICAL BRIDGE TO:
INT. SQUAD ROOM - NIGHT
MCGEE: It checks out. Quantico gate log shows that Downing restricted Silva to base on November twenty sixth for the duration of his leave. Lance Corporal Silva wasn't at the pond. He didn't kill anyone.
ZIVA: (INTO PHONE) Thank you. I owe you one, Simon. (TO GIBBS) That was my contact in San Salvador.
GIBBS: He locate Sosa?
ZIVA: No. He's not there.
MCGEE: He has to be. Bernal is texting him there a dozen times a day.
ZIVA: If Simon says he's not in San Salvador, then he's not there, McGee!
GIBBS: He has to be.
ZIVA: Gibbs, I--
GIBBS: If not, we've wasted three days. I am not wasting one more to bring those Marines home. You find him. Now!
(MUSIC UP AND OUT)
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. LAB - NIGHT
ABBY: Men, we are here today for three reasons. One... we can't find Miguel Sosa. Two... I'm not even sure that he exists. And three...
MCGEE: Who are you talking to?
ABBY: You will address me as Sir, Soldier!
MCGEE: Sorry. Who were you talking to, Sir!
ABBY: My army. Major Mass Spec. Captain Comparison Microscope. Ensign....
MCGEE: Isn't an Army rank. It's actually Navy.
ABBY: What do you want, McGee?
MCGEE: To go over the old test messages between Cesar Bernal and his boss, Miguel Sosa.
ABBY: They're in code.
MCGEE: I know, but if we break them, we might find where Sosa's hiding.
ABBY: He's in San Salvador.
MCGEE: Ziva's people say no.
ABBY: Oh, so if Ziva's people say no, then we...
MCGEE: Will you please just run them?
ABBY: Okay.
MCGEE: My Spanish is a little rusty.
ABBY: Mine's not. Okay, in this one they're asking Sosa if they should... wait a minute.
MCGEE: What?
ABBY: It's too long. SMS text messages are limited to a hundred and fifty characters. So that means that...
MCGEE: It means that it was emailed from a computer, not a cell phone.
ABBY: Can you backtrace it to a physical location?
MCGEE: It's just a simple matter of accessing the email-to-SMS gateway, pulling an IP, linking it to an ISP.
ABBY: That's a Virginia address. Ziva's people were right.
MCGEE: Let me see if we can get a name of the account holder.
ABBY: Cesar Bernal? That doesn't make any sense. Why would he send messages to himself?
MCGEE: Because he was pretending he's Miguel Sosa.
ABBY: Okay, but that's stupid. Because Sosa would totally find out and kill Cesar.
MCGEE: Not if Cesar killed him first.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. SHEPARD'S OFFICE - NIGHT
(DOOR OPENS/ CLOSES)
SHEPARD: Uh-oh! What is this meal going to cost me this time?
GIBBS: It didn't cost you anything last time.
SHEPARD: You mean aside from the thousand extra calories I didn't need?
GIBBS: I can leave.
SHEPARD: I didn't say that. Salvadorean food? How fried. Sit. I'm sorry. Another Marine was injured in Captain Arvidas's group.
GIBBS: I know.
SHEPARD: I heard you found the man responsible for First Sergeant Downing's death.
GIBBS: His name is Cesar Bernal.
SHEPARD: Can you make a case? I knew this meal was going to cost me. Okay, what do you have so far?
GIBBS: Cesar is making a power play for control of his crew. He's been faking orders from Miguel Sosa to the rest of LVM for the last four months.
SHEPARD: And Sosa?
GIBBS: He's dead. It's the only way Cesar could have gotten away with it.
SHEPARD: So First Sergeant Downing wasn't the target. He was Cesar's lure. The real targets were the three LVM Lieutenants. Cesar was taking out the leadership. Do you have any physical evidence?
GIBBS: Nothing linking Cesar to the crime scene.
SHEPARD: Jethro, you're going to need more than motive to get a jury to convict.
GIBBS: Depends on the jury.
MUSICAL BRIDGE TO:
INT. INTERROGATION ROOM
CESAR: This is harassment. When I get out of here, I'm going to get me a fancy lawyer...
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. OBSERVATION ROOM - DAY
(CESAR TALKING B.G.)
CESAR: (FILTERED) ...and shove him all the way up your ...
TONY: Come on, it was just getting good.
ZIVA: Okay, who wants to take him first?
MCGEE: I'm going to take him.
TONY: Oh, no no no no. I got it, Probie.
MCGEE: What, do you think I can't handle this guy?
TONY: Gibbs said keep him on ice. Not show him the warning signs of osteoarthritis.
MCGEE: Tony, I can break this guy.
TONY: You keep cracking your knuckles like that, you're going to break a finger, Probie. I'm senior, I go first.
MCGEE: You are always going to be senior.
GIBBS: That's the nice thing about being senior is that--
(DOOR CLOSES)
ZIVA: Sientate. (Sit down)
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. INTERROGATION ROOM
(KNOCK ON TABLE)
ZIVA: Ahora. (Now)
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. OBSERVATION ROOM
CESAR: So I cooperate with you and this is the --
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. INTERROGATION ROOM
CESAR: ... thanks I get? Hauled in like a pescado muerto? (Dead fish)
ZIVA: If by cooperate you mean lie, yes.
CESAR: What did I lie about?
ZIVA: We know you were at the Rock Creek Pond the night of the murders, and we know you've been killing off the LVM leadership to assert control.
CESAR: You must think very highly of me, because the man who can pull off something like that, must be a very smart man. You like smart men, bonita?
(ZIVA HITS CESAR) (SFX: CESAR GASPS)
ZIVA: Sorry. You're not my type.
CESAR: You're playing with fire, bonita.
ZIVA: Is that a threat?
CESAR: No. I'm just saying, my eses get very lonely when I'm not around. And they're not going to be too happy with the one that's keeping me from them.
ZIVA: I wouldn't worry about it. I'm sure your eses will find something to do while you're gone.
MUSICAL BRIDGE TO:
INT. AUTOPSY ROOM - DAY
(SFX: DRAWER SLIDES OPEN)
DUCKY: The autopsy of First Sergeant Downing revealed four entry wounds. However, of interest is the fact that the three frontal wounds showed no sign of internal hemorrhaging. The shots were fired after First Sergeant Downing was dead.
GIBBS: Each of your buddies ... put a bullet in his corpse.
TOMAS: Your point?
GIBBS: The point is if your buddies each fired a round into the First Sergeant after he was dead, who shot them?
MUSICAL BRIDGE TO:
INT. INTERROGATION ROOM
(DOOR OPENS/ CLOSES)
CESAR: I want to talk to my lawyer.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. OBSERVATION ROOM
MCGEE: No can do, punk.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. INTERROGATION ROOM
CESAR: You've been watching too many cop shows, you know that?
MCGEE: Yeah, well you've been watching too many gang ... person shows.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. OBSERVATION ROOM
TONY: I don't think Probie's been watching enough cop shows.
ZIVA: McGee is a capable interrogator. He can be quite intimidating when he wants to be.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. OBSERVATION ROOM
CESAR: You can't keep me here like this.
MCGEE: Well actually, I can. You see, La Vida Mala has suspected ties to Al Qaeda. So all I have to do is say the word terrorist, and I can keep you in this room until you grow old and die.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. OBSERVATION ROOM
TONY: That actually was intimidating.
MUSICAL BRIDGE TO:
INT. LAB - DAY
ABBY: We can tell from the rifling patterns that the slugs pulled from your three dead LVMs were from the Browning found at the scene. Nice tat.
TOMAS: Huh?
ABBY: Your Drachenkreuz. The symbol of the ancient Order of the --
GIBBS: Abby.
ABBY: Sorry, Gibbs. Um... the point is that whoever shot your guys used First Sergeant Downing's gun.
GIBBS: He wanted to make it look like our First Sergeant smoked your muchachos.
ABBY: Of course, your crew probably would have only turned their backs to the shooter if it was someone they really trusted.
MUSICAL BRIDGE TO:
INT. INTERROGATION ROOM
(TONY GROANS/ LAUGHS)
CESAR: So like, you don't got no questions for me?
TONY: That's a double negative.
CESAR: Huh?
TONY:
TONY: "Don't got no" is a double negative. It's a non-standard use of two negative words in the same sentence. They cancel each other out and create a positive. Actually, in Shakespeare's day a double negative was used as an emphatic. But now it's just considered a mistake. (CONT.) Oh! I don't know if that's what you intended. Pretty sure it's not. We'll just go with the whole colloquial enigmatic thing. This is hard. I'm pretty sure you meant do I have any questions. And the answer to that question is, I have no questions. I do have some observations, though. Cesar. That's an interesting name. Obviously derived from Cesar. That was a powerful dude. My name's Anthony. My friends call me Tony. Which backwards is "why not." Anyway, in the pecking order, I'm guessing that you're somewhere between the guy that goes out and buys the spray paint that you use for tagging and the guy who digs it out from under your boss' nails.
(CESAR EXCLAIMS IN SPANISH)
CESAR: You don't know who you're messing with. One word from me, and my crew will have you splattered...
TONY: Your crew?
CESAR: Yes.
TONY: Well, that's funny. I thought LVM was Miguel Sosa's crew.
(TONY KNOCKS ON THE WINDOW)
TONY: Interesting.
MUSICAL BRIDGE TO:
INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY
MCGEE: MCGEE: Miguel Sosa. Word on the street is he is hiding out in El Salvador. Except the FBI has no record of him leaving the country. (CONT.) Salvadorean authorities have no record of him coming in. So the only trail we have is the SMS text messages he's been sending you. The problem is he hasn't been sending them. El Salvador country code has been falsified.
GIBBS: Someone faked them to make them look like they came from Miguel Sosa.
MCGEE: This message originated from an email account registered to Cesar Bernal.
GIBBS: He killed your boss. Played you for a fool. Us, too. I'll never get a conviction in court with what I have on him. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO:
INT. INTERROGATION ROOM
(DOOR OPENS)
TONY: Hey, Boss.
CESAR: Right. I see. You were all trying to throw me off balance. Soften me up for the big guns, eh?
GIBBS: Actually, I didn't know you were still here. Come on, I'll drive you home.
TONY: (WHISPERS) Wear your safety belt!
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. SEDAN - NIGHT
CESAR: CESAR: Door to door service. I could get used to this. What's the matter? You pissed because whatever game you tried to play didn't work? You've got a lot to learn about the streets, cabron. Loyalty means everything in our world. Without it, estas muerto. (You're dead) (CONT.) (LONG BEAT) Thanks for the lift.
(SFX: CAR DOOR OPENS)
CESAR: Semper fi.
GIBBS: Goodbye, Cesar.
(SFX: CAR ACCELERATES)
CESAR: (IN SPANISH) Que paso, hermanos? These NCIS pendejos just won't quit, eh? I got a message from Sosa. He thinks we ought to teach them some manners. (BEAT) What?
REPORTER: (V.O.) The victim, a male in his early twenties....
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY
REPORTER: (ON TV) ... Was found in this dumpster, shot repeatedly at close range. Police have identified him as Cesar Bernal, a native of El Salvador, and say they believe he has close ties to gang activity in the Manassas area. In fact, police say he--
(SFX: TV CLICKS OFF)
GIBBS: If you don't have enough work to do, I'm sure I can find some.
TONY: Oh, no. I've got a lot of work to do, Boss.
ZIVA: (OVERLAP) Oh, no. There's lots of work.
GIBBS: Good. I'll be in MTAC.
MUSICAL BRIDGE TO:
INT. MTAC - DAY
(DOOR OPENS/ CLOSES)
GIBBS: Captain.
ARVIDAS: (ON MONITOR) Agent Gibbs, I hope you have some good news for me.
GIBBS: Bring our boys home. | Plan: A: a frozen pond; Q: Where did two young boys discover the body of a Marine? A: the scene; Q: Where are Gibbs and the team dispatched to investigate? A: high-ranking members; Q: What rank were the three bodies found in the pond? A: a notorious Central American street gang; Q: What is La Vida Mala? A: The team; Q: Who must find out who's responsible for the killings? A: heat; Q: What is the team enduring from the deceased Marine's unit? A: the deceased Marine's unit; Q: Who is being held in Iraq until the case is closed? A: retribution; Q: What do the Marines fear the other Marines might seek? A: text messages; Q: What trail of evidence does Abby and McGee find? A: a shocking truth; Q: What do the text messages reveal? A: their main suspect; Q: Who do Ziva, McGee and Tony take turns interrogating? Summary: While exploring a frozen pond, two young boys discover the body of a Marine in the pond. When Gibbs and the team are dispatched to the scene to investigate, they find three more bodies who are high-ranking members of a notorious Central American street gang, "La Vida Mala" or LVM for short. The team must find out who's responsible for the killings while enduring heat from the deceased Marine's unit who are being held in Iraq until the case is closed, fearing the other Marines might seek retribution. Abby and McGee find a trail of text messages which reveal a shocking truth while Ziva, McGee and Tony take turns interrogating their main suspect. |
[Capeside High - Graduation Rehearsal. The senior class sit and listen to Principal Peskin at the podium.]
Peskin: Welcome to this rehearsal of Capeside high's cap and gown ceremony for the graduating class of 2001. The actual ceremony will take place this Saturday at high noon. Before the distribution of your hard-earned diplomas, the winner of the Capeside Pinnacle award, miss Josephine Potter, will deliver a speech which, uh, I am sure will both razzle and dazzle us for many years to come. Miss Potter, it's go time. (Joey moves to the stage)
Joey: (standing behind the podium) Uh... my speech isn't quite ready yet. Uh... so, I guess I don't really have anything to say right now. Um... thank you. (people begin to clap)
Dawson: (clapping) All right! Yes!
Joey: (joining her friends) No one says a word.
Peskin: All right, a quick reminder for those of you who may be susceptible to dark pagan desires. (Dawson looks behind him at Drue, who turns and looks behind himself.) If you are considering pulling a graduation night prank, think again, I can assure that security will be... tighter than Ricky Martin's pants. (no one laughs) What? All right, some housekeeping details. Uh, the blue parking permits will not be valid at all on Saturday...
(Pacey rushes up to join his friends, but Mitch catches him before he can reach them.)
Mitch: Hey, Pace.
Pacey: Look, Mr. Leary, I'm really sorry that I'm late, but I'm stuck with this American history teacher that seems to think the final bell, that's her queue to vomit up a 10 minute dissertation on who won the cold war, which, by the way, was us. So, go U.S.A.
Mitch: It's not about your being late, Pacey. I wish it was.
Pacey: That sounds vaguely ominous. What is this about?
Mitch: It's about your grades.
Pacey: And what about my grades?
Mitch: Well, you're-- well, you're right on the bubble of being able to graduate.
Pacey: Don't tell me that, man. I have sacrificed my entire senior year for this, ok? I pulled double class loads, I have done everything that you people asked me to do.
Mitch: I know you've worked hard. I do. And it's not over yet. Ok, now, how well you do on your final exam will determine if you can graduate. Mr. Peskin insists that, uh, you spend your time studying rather than attend the rehearsal.
Pacey: What, so you're kicking me out? Ok, please don't do this to me here, Mr. Leary. I'm really under a microscope right now. Please.
Mitch: I'm sorry, Pacey. Believe me, it's not my decision. You--you should go home now.
Pacey: Fine.
[Capeside - Pacey is walking home when he runs into Dougie. He's leaning against his police cruiser as Pacey approaches.]
Pacey: Can I help you with something in particular, Dougie, or does this just fall under the category of general harassment?
Dougie: A minute ago, I drove right by you. Now, either you were purposely ignoring me, or you just didn't see me.
Pacey: No, I was just invoking the hard-earned lessons of my youth. "Avoid eye contact with any and all authority figures at all costs." Even the effeminate ones.
Dougie: Please, god, may that never get old. So, Pace, how you doing? Everything ok?
Pacey: Oh, yeah, I've never been better, Dougie.
Dougie: How's school?
Pacey: Well, apparently, right now, my grades are on the bubble. So the powers that be at our beloved Capeside high, they don't know if I'm gonna be able to graduate or not.
Dougie: I'm really sorry to hear that, Pace.
Pacey: So, there you have it. Now, why don't you run along home and tell the folks that little brother is living down to expectations. And cancel that huge graduation party I'm sure they were gonna throw in my honor.
Dougie: Listen, Pacey, when are you gonna know for sure, huh?
Pacey: If I graduate?
Dougie: Yeah.
Pacey: I have one more final to take. But it's a big one. It's Mr. Kasdan's lit course, which is not exactly my best subject.
Dougie: Listen, uh... I could help you study.
Pacey: Well, boy, I appreciate that, but I'd really rather you do something beneficial to all mankind with your time, like, I don't know, solve a murder.
Dougie: Wait a second, Pacey. I'm serious here.
Pacey: You're serious? I'm serious. Everybody is serious. But you know what I don't understand? Why they won't just let me graduate, because it seems to me, the sooner I get out of that place, the better off everyone involved will be.
[Capeside High - Dawson and Joey are walking down the hall.]
Joey: Dawson, this speech is driving me nuts. I--I must have some sort of a block or something.
Dawson: I'll go you one better. I bet you that block has a name. Pacey.
Joey: Yeah, so, he has been known to occupy my thoughts on occasion.
Dawson: And seeing him forced to leave his own graduation rehearsal, that was painful.
Joey: I just wanted to go up to him and say something. What stopped me was knowing that he would resent me for it.
Dawson: Yeah, I went up to him the other day in study hall and asked if he needed some sort of help. He made it very clear he didn't want any.
Joey: I mean, you'd think after everything we've been through, Pacey and I could still be friends. Is that asking too much?
Dawson: Well...
Joey: It is asking too much. So, what do I do? I mean, he needs help.
Dawson: Look, the two of you were both in that relationship, and you obviously still have feelings. That said, it can't hurt to let him know that you care. Who knows? It might even help you write your speech. Come on.
[Tobey's House - Jack and Tobey are washing Andie's Saab.]
Jack: What's the matter? It's like you're detailing my spokes in a galaxy far, far away.
Tobey: Can we talk about something?
Jack: Yeah.
Tobey: Talking about this may not be the wisest way to go, but nobody's ever accused me of being wise.
Jack: I'll vouch for that. What do you want to talk about?
Tobey: About us. What we are to each other. At least, what I think we are.
Jack: [Sighs] Toby, I've always been honest with you about where we stand.
Tobey: Well, we are dating. And if the usual terminology applies, that would make me your... boyfriend. (Jack gives him a look) You can't say it, yet, can you? In fact, you go out of your way not to say it.
Jack: I don't think that's true.
Tobey: Look, if you can't say it, how's that supposed to make me feel?
Jack: Ok, ok. I'll-- I'll say it.
Tobey: When?
Jack: When it's appropriate.
Tobey: Ok. What's your definition of appropriate? When there's nobody else around? At small, intimate gatherings? Under oath?
Jack: Just let me surprise you. Listen, you gonna be able to get off work early tomorrow or not?
Tobey: Yeah.
Jack: What?
Tobey: What if she doesn't like me?
Jack: Oh, please.
Tobey: Could happen.
Jack: (referring to the hose) Don't make me use this.
Tobey: (holding up his soapy sponge) Don't even think about it. (Jack sprays him with water. Tobey grabs the bucket of water and dumps it on Jack. They begin wrestling around.)
[Jen's House - Jen is asleep in bed when someone knocks on the window.]
Drue: Lindley... it's me Drue.
Jen: (opening her window) What the hell are you doing here?
Drue: Let me in. I can explain.
Jen: Oh, not so fast, tex. I don't really see the wisdom of letting you in.
Drue: What do you want me to do, serenade you first?
Jen: Yes, that would be lovely.
Drue: Lindley...
Jen: Why don't you crawl back down there and go find yourself a proper backing band, maybe with a string section and a bass player. God, I love bass players.
Drue: Jen, I'm freezing my ass off.
Jen: You think I don't know that? Ok, come on.
Drue: Thank you. [Groans] Oh, god.
Jen: [Laughs] Oh, god. Oh...so... what do I owe the pleasure of this little visit?
Drue: Well, mother and I, we got into one of our debates tonight. (Jen wraps a blanket around him) Thanks. Which turned into one of our more memorable shouting matches.
Jen: Oh, yeah? About what?
Drue: [Sniffs] Well... the same miserable b*st*rd we always fight about, my beloved father.
Jen: Mmm.
Drue: He, uh... said he wasn't going to my graduation.
Jen: Been there. I'm sorry.
Drue: And mom surprisingly decided to blame me, claiming that dad was fed up with my history of inexcusable behavior. And then I, in turn, blamed her for her history of being a cold-hearted bitch.
Jen: And now you need a place to crash.
Drue: I would be ever-so-grateful.
Jen: I never thought this day would come. Drue Valentine, actually in need of a little human compassion. All right. You get one night. (Drue smiles and begins to lay on the bed.) On the floor.
Drue: Oh, on the floor. Yes.
[Capeside High - English class. Mr. Kasdan walks in, followed by Pacey who rushes to his seat.]
Kasdan: I need your back packs, your books, and your cheat sheets on the floor. (passed out tests) As promised, this final will cover material from all previous tests. You will have no more than 45 minutes to complete this exam.
Pacey: [Pencil snaps] Oh! Uh, Mr. Kasdan.
Kasdan: Mr. Witter, how may I serve?
Pacey: Well, do you think that I could trouble you for a working pencil, seeing as mine currently is not?
Kasdan: I see. Still as unprepared as the day you started this class. Eh, Mr. Witter? It's nice to know, though, that in this ever-changing world, I can still count on your remarkable consistency.
Pacey: [Chuckles] Boy, I sure deserved that one. Good joke, Mr. Kasdan. Stupid old me.
Kasdan: Pacey, it was just--
Pacey: No, no, no, no. I was agreeing with you. I mean, I got it, right? It was about me being stupid? How I'm some lame, know-nothing student who's just slowing down everyone around me? You know what really kills me about you people? I show up to class with a broken pencil, ok? Now, you assume that that means that I don't care, when the reality of the matter is, I've been busting my ass in your class for the last 5 months, just to keep my head above water, so that I could graduate from this place! So, if you ask me, you're the one who doesn't care. None of the teachers here care! I mean, for the honor students, you're willing to bend over backwards, but for me, a student who could actually use that help, you can't wait to get rid of me!
Kasdan: All right, that's enough! Look, I have tolerated this outburst of yours because I know you need to pass this test, but you are this close to throwing away an opportunity, young man!
Pacey: You know, maybe you are right. I must be an idiot, because I cannot for the life of me figure out why I try so damn hard for you. I mean, I don't know why I bother at all. (Pacey grabs his stuff and walks out.)
[Pacey's Place - Pacey is sitting on the porch working on something. Joey walks up.]
Joey: Hey.
Pacey: Hey.
Joey: Got a minute?
Pacey: Yeah, sure.
Joey: Pacey, I heard about what happened in Mr. Kasdan's class today--
Pacey: You know what? I'd prefer to keep that topic off the discussion list.
Joey: Well, could you at least tell me what you're gonna do?
Pacey: I'll tell you what I'm not going to do, namely, graduate.
Joey: Look, Pace, I'm sure there's probably time to-- to talk to somebody. I mean, you could-- you could go to Mitch, you could go to Peskin, I mean, there's got to be something we could do.
Pacey: I'm sorry, "we"? I didn't realize that we were involved in a team sport here, Joey. I don't think there is a "we" anymore.
Joey: Look... look, Pace, I know it's over. I just want to be your friend. I want to help you.
Pacey: You want to know what the truth is, Jo? I still love you, and I probably will love you for a very long time. But I can't just be your buddy. 'Cause, as much as I enjoy the concept of being just friends, in reality, it's a bizarre form of torture, and I'm just not willing to participate in it. So, right now, what I want to do is just move on and get over you, and the only way for me to do that is to not be around you anymore.
Joey: And you can't see any time in the future when you and I could be friends?
Pacey: I don't want to think about the future.
Joey: I guess I should go.
Pacey: Look, Jo, I know that-- I know coming over here couldn't have been easy for you.
Joey: Nothing seems easy anymore.
[The B&B - Joey sits at the dining room table working on her speech. Bessie walks up.]
Bessie: How's my little speech writer? You making any progress?
Joey: Does it look like I'm making any progress?
Bessie: No, not really.
Joey: I just went over to Pacey's to try to talk to him, and, uh... it didn't go well.
Bessie: Oh, that explains a lot.
Joey: He's so messed up, and he won't let anybody help him.
Bessie: Not even you?
Joey: Especially me. That and... having to write a speech from hell.
Bessie: Actually, that's why I came in here. Because I've got something for you.
Joey: What is it?
Bessie: It's a letter from mom to you. Uh, she wrote it a few days before she passed away, and asked me to hold on to it, and give it to you when you graduated from high school.
Joey: My god.
Bessie: Maybe this will inspire you. You gonna open it?
Joey: Uh...yeah, of course. I just... I don't really feel up to it right now.
Bessie: I know. Take all the time you need, and I'll leave you alone.
[Airport - Jack and Tobey are rushing towards the entrance.]
Tobey: Hey, what's with the 50 yard dash, man? We're right on time, early, even.
Jack: Yeah, but you don't understand. I know her. She probably booked this flight 3 months in advance, so she could get a seat by the exit and be the first one off the plane.
Tobey: And you would know this for sure because...?
Jack: Because she's always the first one off the plane. (rushing towards the gate) There she is, there she is. Andie!
Andie: (rushing towards Jack) Jack! Hey, Jack! Oh!
Jack: It's good to see you. How was the flight?
Andie: Oh, turbulent, cramped and stuffy, but I am willing to overlook that, assuming we get to attend at least one kick-ass graduation party.
Jack: Oh, yeah. My people are on it.
Andie: (Tobey walks up) Oh, I'm sorry. I don't believe we've met.
Jack: Yeah, uh, Andie, Tobey. Tobey, Andie.
Andie: Nice to meet you.
Tobey: You, too. He's told me volumes about you.
Andie: Oh. I'm sorry, I don't mean to be rude, but how do you know jack?
Jack: Uh, well, uh, Tobey's, um... Tobey's my boyfriend.
Andie: (Tobey smiles wide and Andie hugs him) Oh--oh, my god. This is great! Oh! I can't believe you didn't e-mail me, you big sneak.
Jack: I'm sorry, it's just kind of recent.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Grams House - Jen comes home to find Drue sitting at the kitchen table with Grams having coffee.]
Jen: Sweet Jesus. Grams, can I just, uh, talk to you for one second? (Grams follows her outside) Ok, what's going on? 'Cause I said that he could spend one night because I felt sorry for him. Why is he still here?
Grams: Well, after you left for school this morning, Drue and I had a nice chat. He explained everything. Awful situation, a father abandoning his family. Anyway, I-- I told him he was more than welcome to spend another night. For a price. I'm not just a naive old softie, dear. I recognize Drue for the duplicitous, smooth-talking butt-kisser he is. And now that you and I have sold this house, we're going to need some poor fool to pack up and box 30 years of junk I've accumulated in the dark of my attic.
Jen: I'm so glad you're on my team.
Grams: Mm-hmm. (they go back inside. Jen goes into the kitchen and Grams leaves the room)
Drue: (digging in the refrigerator) You're a lucky girl, Jen. A fellow could get used to these accommodations.
Jen: [Laughs] Ok, you are creeping me out.
Drue: So, what's on your, uh, social calendar for tonight? You going to that big senior soiree thing?
Jen: Anybody who's anybody's gonna be there. Why, you want a ride over?
Drue: Yeah, I do. Though, I was wondering if I could interest you in a little, uh... recreational detour first.
Jen: Oh, no.
[Dawson's House - Joey knocks on his bedroom door.]
Joey: Hey... Dawson, I need your help with something.
Dawson: Yeah, sure. What's going on? Is that your speech?
Joey: No, um...it's actually a letter written to me from my mom. She wrote it before she died, and Bessie's been saving it ever since.
Dawson: Wow.
Joey: Yeah.
Dawson: Uh... have you opened it yet?
Joey: I tried, and, uh... every time I go to open it... I remember what she was like at the end. You know, so... still and, um... so much pain and suffering. I just kind of freeze up. But that being said, um... I still have to know, so... I was wondering if you would read it for me.
Dawson: I'd be honored.
Joey: Thank you. (opens the letter and begins to read it) "My darling Joey, I know if you're reading these words it means you've graduated from high school. Congratulations, sweetheart. You didn't have a lot, growing up. You even have been shortchanged one mother. Still, I want you to be proud of your family. If our strife has caused you pain, remember, it also makes you strong. Bessie is strong, and I'm sure she's taking good care of you. Of all the things my illness has robbed me of, I count the greatest of them watching you grow up. You're barely 13 now, still a young girl. And so, I'm left to imagine the woman you've become. Strikingly beautiful, I'm sure, and equally unaware of it. Quick-witted and strong-willed. Possessing the deep, soulful eyes of an artist, and a shy smile that regularly betrays the tough facade you do your best to keep up. If any of this sounds remarkably on the nose, it's because it's the girl you always were, Joey. And it's the woman you'll always be. Whatever you decide to do with your life, I know your future will be luminous. Wherever you decide to go when you leave, remember your days in Capeside fondly, and keep close those who shared your childhood. They will always love you in a way no one else can. And they will always be with you. Just as I love you and will always be with you. Love, mom."
[Graduation Party - Joey walks up to Dawson.]
Dawson: Hey.
Joey: Hey.
Dawson: How you doing?
Joey: Um...better. Thanks.
Dawson: You still haven't written it yet, have you?
Joey: How did you know?
Dawson: I'm no stranger to the fine art of procrastination.
Joey: Well, I thought it would be good to get out of the house.
Dawson: Well, good. If you're gonna avoid work, avoid it in style.
Jack: Hey, guys. Got somebody who's dying to say hello.
Andie: Hey, Dawson! Oh! Joey! (she rushes over for hugs)
Joey: You look great!
Andie: Oh, thank you. So do you.
Dawson: Wow, Italy must agree with you in a big way. Did you have a good time?
Jack: Oh, don't even get her started.
Andie: No. Oh, my god. You guys, it is heaven. You have to go, all of you, right now.
Joey: I think that's code for "she had a good time."
Andie: I don't even know where to start. The architecture, the men, the food. Did I mention the men?
[Pacey's Place - Mr. Kasdan knocks on the door. Pacey answers.]
Pacey: Mr. Kasdan.
Kasdan: Pacey. May I?
Pacey: Sure. Come on in. Well, if you and I have anything to say to each other, I can't imagine what it could possibly be.
Kasdan: Fair enough. I'll get right to the point. Did you study for that final you so dramatically walked out on?
Pacey: I can categorically say that I studied my ass off, sir.
Kasdan: Care to prove it?
Pacey: You did hear everything that I had to say in class today, didn't you?
Kasdan: Oh, I did. You're not an idiot or a punch line. You are why I teach. Those honor students that turn your stomach... they don't need me. They're gonna forget me as soon as they walk out the door. But you...
Pacey: I have a funny feeling I'm gonna be telling this story for years to come.
Kasdan: And if that should turn out to be the case, please describe me as a strapping, handsome man, possessed of an immense charity and a great, great goodwill.
Pacey: I can do that.
Kasdan: (handing him a test) Mr. Witter, you have 45 minutes.
[Capeside High - Drue and Jen sneak around in the dark.]
Drue: You all right?
Jen: Yeah.
Drue: All right. I think the timing for the sprinkler system's over here.
Jen: Drue, I've got a bad feeling about this.
Drue: Right. And "it's quiet out. Maybe a little too quiet." Whoooo. Shall I add that to the list of b-movie clichés you've been spouting? All right, this it. That timer controls the sprinkler settings. All we have to do is re-set the timer so the sprinklers come on during graduation, soaking the crowd, and therefore transforming a rather ho-hum ceremony into a glorious liquid wonderland.
Jen: You aim high.
Drue: As do you, my accomplice in crime. (A security guard and Peskin walk up with flash lights.)
Peskin: Mr. Valentine. Miss Lindley. I would be delighted if you'd come with me.
[Party - Andie and Dawson are taking a seat at a table.]
Andie: Wow! This is so cool. Everyone is here. Oh, perfect. Ok. Thank you. So, well, I just want to say... you know, I heard about you and Gretchen, and I'm really sorry.
Dawson: You know what? It's ok. Uh, I mean, you know. The breakup hurt, and I'm sad that it's over, but I don't feel like I have this cloud hanging over my head that won't go away.
Andie: Wow! Someone's changed. No endless replays of what went wrong, no dark period of pain and regret?
Dawson: That was pretty much my weekend.
Andie: Ah! [Laughs]
Dawson: But, uh, you know, I got it out of my system, and, uh, you know, when I look back on it, I don't look back on it with an ounce of regret. You know? Joey was my first love, but Gretchen was my first mature relationship, and she made me realize that I am capable of loving somebody.
Andie: I wish I were a memory like that to someone, you know, to someone who thinks back on me with a smile, even though we've long since gone our separate ways.
Dawson: I'm pretty sure you are.
[Party - Pacey wanders around when Andie sees him.]
Andie: Pacey!
Pacey: (picks her up and spins her around) Hey, hi!
Andie: Ohh!
Pacey: How are you, Andie?
Andie: Ohh, great now. Mmm. (still hugging)
[Peskin's House - Jen and Drue walk into the house with him.]
Peskin: This has been a long time coming for you two. You've managed to, uh... compile quite a dirty laundry list during your brief scholastic careers, everything from dabbling in ecstasy to public intoxication, rigging yearbook photos, to my personal favorite-- dumping my sailboat in the school pool. I guess we can color your parents proud, huh?
Drue: What if I swear to you I didn't do the boat?
Peskin: Should we add pathological liar to your list of dubious achievements, Mr. Valentine?
Jen: So, what, we're hostages?
Peskin: Ha! No, young lady. You're my audience. If my audience were to leave early, the performer would be deeply offended. (he leaves the room)
Jen: [Whispering] Dude, he's gonna keep us here all night.
Drue: We're gonna miss the party.
Peskin: (returning with a cello) The party's right here, Mr. Valentine. Do you like cello music? I must confess, it's been a lifelong passion of mine. The chilling lows, the vibrant highs. Still, I haven't had a lesson in... Mmm, 10 or 11 years. [Playing badly]
[Party - Andie and Pacey walk together.]
Andie: Um, you know, Jack's been writing me and, uh, well, he told me about you and Joey. And I just want to say I'm sorry, you know. I know how much she means to you.
Pacey: You know what? I'm going to be all right.
Andie: I know. It's just... you know, I don't want to see you sad, so if there's anything I can do for you...
Pacey: Actually there is something that you can do for me.
Andie: Name it.
Pacey: Why don't you tell me what it's like out there? You know, when you're out on your own.
Andie: Ooh, well, it's scary at first, you know. I didn't know anyone, but--ha ha-- it took no time for them to get to know me. And before I knew it, I had all these friends and, I don't know, I wasn't lonely. I just--I realized that the longer I was away from here, leaving capeside wasn't an end. It was a beginning. So...
Pacey: Ok, I gotta tell you something. I got an offer, a job offer, to crew on a boat this summer, but it means getting on a plane to Miami, 'cause that's where the boat leaves for the Caribbean.
Andie: And is this something you want to do?
Pacey: Yeah. Yeah, it's something I really want to do. I am so glad you're here right now. Uh, ok... I did it. Ha ha! I did it. I passed my final exam. I'm a high school graduate.
Andie: Aah! Oh, my god! I knew it! I knew it. I knew you could!
Pacey: Well, that's puts you one up on me.
Andie: Ok, so why haven't you told everybody else? I mean, they're dying to know.
Pacey: I don't need to tell them. I don't need to compare myself to them anymore. I did this thing for myself. I just want to feel good about it. All I want to do now is get up on that stage and feel the sun against my face and just... know for the first time in my life that I can overcome anything.
Andie: So, uh, why'd you tell me?
Pacey: You were the first person in my life who ever told me that I could be more than I was and believed it. So I guess that's thank you.
Andie: You're welcome.
Pacey: It's so good to see you again, Andie. (they hug again)
Andie: Mmm! You, too! Oh, god! So the Caribbean!
Pacey: Yeah, well, you'll be in Florence. I don't think...
[Party - Pacey is walking alone when he finally runs into Joey.]
Joey: Glad that you made it.
Pacey: Yeah. This was a nice party. I was thinking about tomorrow.
Joey: What about this tomorrowland? Does it look even remotely bright?
Pacey: It certainly didn't when it held the prospect of never seeing you again.
Joey: How is that any different from the here and now?
Pacey: I think I--I should probably go off and live my own life for a little while. That certainly doesn't mean that this is how I want it to end between us. So hypothetically speaking... if I were lucky enough one day to find myself owning a sailboat again, and I were to ask the woman that I love to go sailing with me... would she?
Joey: You wouldn't have to ask, Pace. I'll see you.
Pacey: I'll see you, Joey.
[Capeside High - Pacey sits in the graduation seats by himself, with his head tilted up to the sky. He has a smile on his face. He gets up to leave.]
[B&B - Joey and Bessie rush out of the house to the car. Joey is in her cap and gown.]
Joey: We're supposed to take pictures before the ceremony, and they said no later than 10:00.
Bessie: You've still got time!
Joey: Bessie, I don't want to be late.
Bessie: You won't be late. Just hold on. Hold on. Ha ha! (she puts lipstick on Joey, just like in the pilot episode) So did you ever get around to reading mom's letter?
Joey: Yeah.
Bessie: I don't want to be nosey or anything, but--
Joey: If I told you now, we'd both start crying, but to summarize, she was right.
Bessie: What's that?
Joey: You did a great job taking care of me.
Bessie: Oh, Joey, you're sweet, but really, it's not fair. You deserved a mom.
Joey: Bessie, I got two.
Bessie: And you said you didn't want us to start crying. (they hug)
Joey: I love you.
Bessie: I love you.
[Dawson's House - Dawson is in his cap and gown.]
Mitch: Well, look there, Lily. That'll be you one day soon.
Gale: What, the happy graduate or the proud mother?
Mitch: Well, why not both?
Dawson: Although preferably not at the same time. (Mitch hands him a gift) What's this?
Gale: Oh, just a little something from a couple of proud parents.
Dawson: You didn't--I... (opens it to find a watch) Wow! Thank you.
Mitch: You like it?
Dawson: Are you kidding? I love it.
Gale: Well, there's an inscription on the back.
Dawson: (reading) "If you will it, it is no dream."
Mitch: When I brag to people and I tell them that my son wants to go off to Hollywood to be a filmmaker, they warn me. They say you'll be eaten alive. You know what I say to them? I say, "you don't know my son."
Dawson: I just want to thank you guys for always believing in me. That, uh... it meant a lot. I... I love you guys. (they group hug)
[Pacey's Place - Pacey is packing when Doug walks in.]
Pacey: Deputy Doug Witter. To what do I owe this unprompted intrusion?
Dougie: Oh, I just thought I'd stop by and offer my congratulations and, uh...
Pacey: What, wish me good luck?
Dougie: Or something like that, yeah. So, tell me, uh... you need some money? You know, not that I'd give you any, but, um...
Pacey: No. I'll actually be fine, just so long as I can store all of my stuff at your place this summer, I'll be a happy camper.
Dougie: So another exciting summer ahead for my little brother. I'm glad. You really deserve it.
Pacey: Well, Dougie, you came halfway close to sounding like you actually meant that.
Dougie: Because I did.
Pacey: You know, I got to tell you, it would be an absolute shame for me to let another day like today pass without ever telling you how much I've always looked up to you as my big brother. Or mentioned the fact that I do actually think that one day you will... make a girl very happy.
Dougie: Mean to tell me that you've, uh, actually accepted my heterosexuality?
Pacey: No, no, I said happy, Doug, not sexually happy.
[Capeside High - Jack and Andie walk onto campus in their cap and gowns.]
Andie: Here, wait a minute. You got your tassel on the wrong side.
Jack: It doesn't matter.
Andie: Yeah, it does matter!
Jack: After the ceremony, I'm just going to throw the cap up in the air anyway.
Andie: We're not supposed to throw the caps, remember? "The pointy ends might hurt somebody."
Jack: Oh, yeah, that's right. Bet you I can throw my cap farther than you.
Andie: Jack, there's something I haven't told anybody yet.
Jack: Why, what's wrong?
Andie: Nothing. Actually for the first time in a long while, I can honestly say that there is nothing wrong.
Jack: Which is why you're going to stay in Italy.
Andie: I deferred Harvard by a year. It's--it's just that right now I can't imagine being happier anywhere else.
Jack: Hey, Andie, I get it.
Andie: You do?
Jack: Yeah.
Andie: Really?
Jack: Yeah.
Andie: You don't care? You're not upset? You're not going to try to convince me to stay and you don't think I'm being idiotic?
Jack: Well, idiotic, yes, but it's the smartest idiotic thing you've ever done. Just promise me I can visit.
Andie: Only if you bring that man of yours.
Jack: Love you to death, little sis.
Andie: Love you more, little brother.
Jack: Ha ha! Ohh!
[Capeside High - Grams walks with Jen into the graduation area.]
Grams: You look relaxed and radiant.
Jen: That's what 3 hours of cello music will do to you.
Grams: Hmm!
Jen: By the way, if I haven't said it enough already, thank you for understanding.
Grams: Well, I'm only too well aware of that man's taste in music. I think you've been punished enough already. Besides, you'd have to do a lot worse to undo how very proud I am of you today.
Jen: The pleasure's all mine.
[Capeside High Graduation - Joey and Dawson move through the seats.]
Joey: Your parents are so cute. They look like total emotional train wrecks.
Dawson: Yeah, they are. (noticing Joey's sad look) You know, on occasions like this, it's nice that we can dress up in polyester choir robes and stupid hats, sit in the sun for a couple of hours to mark the occasion. What fashion Einstein came up with this whole outfit? I mean, is this a hat you really want to be wearing the day you know people are going to be taking pictures? (Joey smiles and laughs) Is that a smile? Did I get you to forget about your speech at least for a second?
Joey: Yes, you did.
Dawson: Ok.
Joey: Tell me more.
Dawson: I'm not on my a-list material. Sadly enough, that was my a-list material. It's time for you to go sit up on stage with the rest of the smart kids. You'll be great.
Joey: See you soon. (she moves towards the stage)
[Graduation - Peskin is at the podium and the ceremony is underway.]
Peskin: I'd like to introduce to you the winner of this year's pinnacle award, senior salutatorian Ms. Josephine potter!
Joey: Principal Peskin, our families, my fellow graduates, I stand here before you aware of the similarities that we share. I know that you're feeling, outside of my incredible stage fright, the same things that I'm feeling-- pride and accomplishment, closure and regret, and a hopeful outlook on the future. But I don't think you need me to elaborate on those feelings. Instead I--I wanted to share something personal and tell you that... that people in my life who are gone now, people I miss very much and people who I am haunted by in different ways, but whether we're separated by death or merely distance, I know that they're still with me because I keep them in my heart. The truth is, in time, that's all that we're going to be to each other anyway, this population of memories, some wonderful and endearing, some less so. But taken together, those memories help make us who we are and who we will be. So whether you're here with each other now or you're merely in each other's thoughts, remember each other on that road ahead. And I hope that no matter where your travels lead you in this life... you'll always take Capeside with you. Congratulations.
(The students begin to cheer as the sprinklers come on. Jen turns to Drue and gives him the thumbs up. Everyone runs around in the rain. Dawson throws his cap up and starts everyone doing so.)
[Airport - Pacey is getting out of a cab and moves towards the airport. He has a smile on his face. As he gives his ticket to the flight attendant, we hear a voice over of Principal Peskin.]
Peskin: Amanda Walters. Cassandra Whitman. Pacey Witter. (Pacey boards the plain. Closing credits.) | Plan: A: Joey; Q: Who has a tough time preparing her speech? A: her speech; Q: What does Joey have a hard time preparing for graduation? A: Dawson; Q: Who helps Joey find inspiration for her speech? A: a surprise gift; Q: What does Joey get from her late mother? A: Pacey; Q: Who wonders if he's going to graduate at all? A: his last final; Q: What is Pacey worried will be the toughest final? A: the teacher; Q: Who makes a comment to Pacey that nearly costs him his diploma? A: his diploma; Q: What does Pacey nearly lose when he walks out of his final test? A: Andie McPhee; Q: Who is surprised to meet Jack's new boyfriend, Toby? A: Drue; Q: Who convinces Jen to help him pull a hilarious senior prank? A: Jen's; Q: Where is Drue staying after a fight with his mother? A: a job offer; Q: What does Pacey decide to take on a boat for the summer? Summary: As graduation approaches, Joey has a tough time preparing her speech, and Dawson helps her find some bittersweet inspiration. Joey gets a surprise gift from her late mother. Pacey wonders if he's going to graduate at all, and he worries that his last final will be the toughest one. He walks out of the test after the teacher makes a comment to him, nearly costing him his diploma. Meanwhile, Andie McPhee returns home for the cap and gown ceremony, and is surprised to meet Jack's new boyfriend, Toby. Drue, who is staying at Jen's after a fight with his mother, convinces Jen to help him pull a hilarious senior prank. Pacey tells Andie he has decided to take a job offer on a boat for the summer. |
POLICE STATION
[Lorelai walks up to the counter.]
LORELAI: Hi. Hello. Yes, I'm here to pick up my daughter.
OFFICER: Your daughter's name?
LORELAI: Rory Gilmore. Lorelai Gilmore. She goes by Rory. I don't know what you have her under.
OFFICER: Rory Gilmore.
LORELAI: Oh, that's good, because she only answers to that. Not that she won't to the other, but -
OFFICER: She'll be out in a minute.
LORELAI: Okay. Thanks. [Pause.] Sorry, when you say she'll be out, do you mean out of a cell?
OFFICER: Yep.
LORELAI: So she was in a cell.
OFFICER: That's where we usually put people when they're arrested.
LORELAI: Was she in the cell alone?
OFFICER: It was a slow night. She had the place to herself.
LORELAI [relieved]: Oh, that's good. I mean, not that she's a snob. She can get along with anyone, it's just, it was her first time in a cell, so I didn't want her to be attacked, you know, like in Caged Heat? Or was it Switchblade Sisters? Anyway. I mean, my daughter never gets into trouble. Except, you know, now. But on the whole, the kid is an angel. She goes to Yale.
OFFICER: She'll be out in a minute.
LORELAI: Right. [She looks around.] I'm sorry. Are you, like, solving something?
OFFICER: What can I do for you?
LORELAI: I was just wondering. Is Rory in the system now? Because I just remember when Sipowicz's son accidentally got arrested because he looked like a drug dealer. Sipowicz was freaked out that the son was going to wind up in the system. And I just wonder, you know, should I be freaked out? And also, what exactly is the system?
OFFICER: She's got to go to court. They'll figure out what's going to happen.
LORELAI: And am I going to have to pay anything? I mean, bail? Does she need bail?
OFFICER: They're releasing her on a P.T.A. A promise to appear.
LORELAI: Oh, she will. She will appear. She might be there before you will.
OFFICER [losing patience]: I won't be there.
LORELAI: Right. But she will, 'cause she promised. I'll be over there.
[She walks over to sit on the other side of the room. Finn and Colin enter the station, chatting with each other.]
FINN: Well. This is much nicer than the last place we picked him up from.
COLIN: Yes, we definitely need to keep this one in mind for future infractions. Excuse me, Officer, we were wondering if one Logan Huntzberger has been released from your fine custody yet?
OFFICER: Nope. Have a seat.
COLIN: We'll be over here.
FINN: And if you have a moment we'd like to order some appetizers.
[The officer stares at him. He turns around. He and Colin sit near Lorelai, who listens to their conversation with a worried look on her face.]
FINN: So typical. Logan would have to get busted during the one time I almost got Rosemary to agree to go home with me.
COLIN: It's vintage Huntzberger, my friend. Friday nights end in jail.
FINN: The boy knows how to party.
COLIN: Stealing Richardson's boat. Genius.
FINN: Let's not forget the lovely Rory.
COLIN: Yes. Maxwell Smart finally found his Ninety-Nine.
OFFICER: Rory Gilmore is coming out now.
LORELAI: Oh, thank you.
COLIN: You're here for Rory?
LORELAI: Yeah.
FINN: Oh, well, we would have taken her home.
COLIN: Just so you know she was covered.
LORELAI [sarcastic]: Wow. The relief.
COLIN: I'm Colin. This is Finn. And you are?
LORELAI: Her mother.
FINN: My God, those are good genes.
[The door buzzes and Rory comes out. Lorelai gets up. They look at each other for a minute.]
LORELAI: You've got everything?
[Rory holds up her envelope of personal effects.]
LORELAI: Let's go.
[Rory follows her to the door. She glances at Colin and Finn in the corner. They kneel and worship her. She shakes her head at them. Once Lorelai and Rory are gone, they burst out laughing.]
OPENING CREDITS
STARS HOLLOW TOWN SQUARE
[Volunteers are setting up flags and outhouses in the Square. Lorelai's Jeep pulls up in front of Doose's market. Lorelai and Rory sit awkwardly for a moment.]
LORELAI: What's on your hands?
RORY: Fingerprints.
LORELAI: Right. [Pause.] Do you want to go in and eat, or take it home?
RORY: Home.
LORELAI: Okay. [Pause.] We're having a bike race. Bike race through town, first one ever. Taylor's really excited. Maybe Sheryl Crow will come.
RORY: Maybe.
LORELAI: Probably not. [Pause.] I'm running out of small talk, kid. Got to get around to the main event here soon.
RORY [sighs]: I know.
LORELAI: Rory, what happened?
[Rory's cell phone rings. She takes it out.]
LORELAI: No, don't answer it.
RORY: It's Logan.
LORELAI: Rory, don't answer it.
RORY: I have to.
LORELAI: Well, I don't want you talking to him right now.
RORY: Why not?
LORELAI: Why not? He just got you arrested.
RORY: He did not.
LORELAI: Don't protect him.
RORY: It was my idea!
LORELAI: Oh, come on.
RORY: Logan was at his sister's engagement party having a perfectly lovely time when I showed up and dragged him off. He spent the night in jail because of me. I have to take this call. [She flips open the phone.] Hey. Are you okay? Yeah, I'm fine. I'm good. I was just worried about you.
[Lorelai, angry, gets out of the car and slams the door. Rory looks after her. Lorelai walks down the street towards Luke's. Taylor jogs up behind her.]
TAYLOR: Lorelai. Yoo-hoo! Behind you! Back here! Turn around! Turn around, turn around!
[Lorelai, frustrated, turns around.]
LORELAI: Yes, Taylor.
TAYLOR [gasping for breath]: You know we have a race coming through here tomorrow.
LORELAI: Uh, yeah, it says it on the banners.
TAYLOR: The fifth annual Connecticut Bike Race. It's a very prestigious race.
LORELAI: Oh, I'm sure.
TAYLOR: Now, I don't know if you've noticed the no parking signs I've been putting out.
LORELAI: I didn't, Taylor.
TAYLOR: I swear, if something doesn't have a Marc Jacobs label on it, you girls just don't notice it. Well, I have just put no parking signs all up and down the street here, in hopes of clearing a safe and unobstructed path through Stars Hollow.
LORELAI: Well, what a super goal, Taylor.
TAYLOR: Thank you. Now, if you notice, your Jeep is currently parked in what is about to become a no parking zone.
LORELAI: Really.
TAYLOR: As of ten o'clock tonight. At 10:01, we will be towing. [He points to Kirk in a tow truck.]
KIRK: I'm coming for you!
LORELAI: Okay, Taylor, it's nine fifty-five. I still have six minutes.
TAYLOR: Yes, but it would be easier if you would just move the car now.
LORELAI: If it's easy then anyone could do it, and I'm a maverick.
[She turns and keeps walking. Taylor looks to heaven.]
TAYLOR: Look what Jane Fonda hath wrought.
[He checks his watch.]
LUKE'S DINER
[Luke is wiping counters. Lorelai enters.]
LORELAI: Rory stole a yacht. How's your night been?
LUKE [turns around]: What? What do you mean, Rory stole a yacht?
[They sit down.]
LORELAI: I, uh, just got back from picking Rory up from the Bridgeport police department where she was brought following her arrest for grand theft boating.
LUKE: Tell me what happened.
LORELAI: I don't know what happened. I haven't gotten the details yet. I did get a piece of paper with a court date on it, though. June third. Sounds like a good day to go to court, don't you think?
LUKE: Was she with that Logan kid?
LORELAI: Yes, he was arrested too.
LUKE: Well, there you go. He got her into this.
LORELAI: That's what I said. I need hand soap.
LUKE: What?
LORELAI: Oh, she got ink all over her hands from the fingerprinting and I'm out of soap.
LUKE: I have soap.
LORELAI: Maybe she needs special soap. Is there special soap? Is it special ink? It must be special ink, right?
LUKE: I don't -
LORELAI: I mean, of course. [She gets up and walks behind the counter.] They're not going to use normal ink for fingerprinting, it's supposed to brand you and humiliate you. Normal ink wouldn't humiliate you, unless you're Rory and your mother has no soap.
LUKE: What are you doing?
LORELAI: I should make a list. I'm going to forget things. I just need a pen. [She grabs a notepad from beside the register.]
LUKE: Here.
LORELAI: Okay, so, okay. Buy soap. Let's see, what else? Buy soap, buy soap, uh, get lawyer -
LUKE: I can help you with a lawyer.
LORELAI: Oh, crap, Rory's car! It must still be at the marina. She's going to have to pick it up. If it hasn't been impounded! How do I find out if it's been impounded?
LUKE: I'm sure you can call down there, and -
LORELAI: God, every ten seconds something else pops into my head. I'm just not prepared for this. I mean, Rory never even shoplifted. Not a candy bar, not a lipstick. She forgot to return a library book once. And she was so guilty about it that she grounded herself. I mean, can you imagine? She's just sitting there in her bedroom yelling at me, "Now no one else got to read the Iliad this week because of me!"
LUKE: What can I do?
LORELAI: Rory hasn't eaten.
LUKE: I can make you some burgers.
LORELAI: No, no, no. Just donuts. We need to get home and get to the bottom of this. [She takes a deep breath as Luke gets the donuts ready.] Okay. This is not the end of the world, right? I mean, Rory's young. Young people do stupid things. I got pregnant. This is better, it's not so permanent. Unless it's on her permanent record, and then, oh, God, does that mean she can't vote?
LUKE: Oh, I don't think -
LORELAI: I thought I read that if you commit a felony you can't vote.
LUKE: I think that's -
LORELAI: Rory loves to vote! She switched her 'I voted' sticker from outfit to outfit this year, and then she scotch taped it to her purse! She has to be able to vote!
LUKE: You want me to come with you when you talk to her?
LORELAI [distant]: No. Thanks, she's in the car. I should go. Thanks for the donuts.
[She grabs the bag and walks out.]
LUKE: Yeah. Sure.
LORELAI'S JEEP
[Lorelai gets back in. Rory is off the phone.]
RORY: Kirk just came by and gave us a two minute warning. Any idea what he's talking about?
LORELAI: Who ever has any idea what Kirk's talking about? Here. [She hands her the bag of donuts.]
RORY: Thanks.
LORELAI [sighs]: Rory, what happened tonight?
RORY [after a pause]: I stole a yacht.
LORELAI: Yes, I know. The nice men with the guns told me. Why?
RORY: I just - I was really upset and I felt like I had to do something.
LORELAI: Okay, sure, I get that. But when I'm upset and I need to do something I eat a lot of pound cake. They don't have pound cake at Yale?
RORY: No, they have pound cake at Yale. [She sighs. Lorelai looks at her expectantly.] Mitchum Huntzberger talked to me today. About my performance.
LORELAI: And?
RORY: And he said that I was very smart and competent and would someday make someone a great assistant.
LORELAI [scornful]: Uh-huh.
RORY: But as a journalist, he just doesn't think I have it.
LORELAI: It? Who is he, Louis B. Mayer?
RORY: No, he says he has like a sense for this kind of thing. I just - I don't know, it was a surprise. I mean, I thought I was doing really well. I thought I was impressing him. I thought he was going to offer me a summer job at the paper, I thought -
LORELAI: Oh, God, I hate this guy.
RORY: It's not his fault. I mean, if he doesn't think I could be a journalist, it's probably best that he tells me before -
LORELAI: Before what?
RORY: Before I go out there and fall on my face.
LORELAI: But, Rory, he is wrong He doesn't know what he's talking about.
RORY: He does this for a living.
LORELAI: Not after I kill him, he doesn't. Big, fancy, arrogant creep. Handing down these all-knowing proclamations. I mean, how the hell does he know if you have 'it' or not? Has he seen your writing? Has he talked to you, I mean really talked to you? Has he talked to any of your teachers? Has he talked to anyone who knows how much 'it' you have? No. He's spent exactly two weeks with you, ordering you around, sending you on coffee runs, playing the big shot!
RORY: He is the publisher!
LORELAI: I know what it says on his business card. I'm going to kick his ass.
RORY: Should we be at all concerned that Kirk's trying to tow us away right now?
LORELAI: No. He is not God! This is one man's opinion. He did not invent journalism. He's just a guy with a really good parking space.
RORY: I'm so, so sorry.
LORELAI: I know you are.
RORY: I was so stupid. I'll never be that stupid again.
LORELAI: Aw. Sure you will.
RORY: Oh my God. I got arrested. I have to go to court! I have to go get my car. No - do you have soap at home? Because I have all this ink all over my hands, and -
LORELAI: Honey. Relax. We will figure it out.
[She smiles reassuringly and squeezes Rory's wrist. Rory looks ahead nervously as they drive away, just as Kirk is about to attach the chains from the tow truck. He drops them, defeated.]
STARS HOLLOW TOWN SQUARE
[The troubadour is singing on a corner.]
TROUBADOR [singing]: I turned twenty-one in prison, doing life without parole. No-one could steer me right, but Mama tried, Mama tried. Mama tried to raise me better but her pleading I denied, that leaves only me to blame, 'cause Mama tried. Leaves only me to blame, 'cause Mama tried.
LANE'S HOUSE
[Lane knocks on the bathroom door.]
LANE: Brian! I need to get in there!
BRIAN [opens the door, wearing a suit]: I was only in there fifteen minutes. I clocked it.
[Brian walks over to the bunk beds, where Zach is laying in bed.]
ZACH: Time, dude?
BRIAN: Seven thirty.
ZACH: Crap. I overslept.
BRIAN: You're saying that like it's my fault.
ZACH [getting up]: Shut up. It is your fault.
BRIAN: I told you to get a clock you don't have to wind.
ZACH: I told you to shut up.
BRIAN: You never wind it, then you yell at me.
ZACH: Dude, you keep nagging me, I'm going to have to buy you a ring.
[He turns on some music. Lane comes out of the bathroom.]
LANE: I get off work at six.
ZACH: I'll alert the media.
LANE: I mean, that's early enough to have band practice. Are we having band practice tonight?
[Zach turns on the T.V. and starts playing a video game.]
ZACH: Maybe.
BRIAN: I may have to work late.
LANE: Brian.
BRIAN: I have my temp review, Lane. I think they might be ready to offer me the full-time receptionist job.
LANE: It's been a while since we've practiced.
ZACH: We've been busy.
LANE: Tomorrow, then?
ZACH: Definitely a conversation to have.
LANE: Fine, we'll talk tonight. Have you seen my jeans jacket?
ZACH [at the T.V.]: Oh, come on! I threw the troll!
[Lane sees her jacket behind her drum set. She walks over and realizes that her drums are covered by drying clothes and empty beer bottles. She looks at Brian, reading the paper in the kitchen, and then at Zach, absorbed by his video game. She looks dejected.]
LORELAI'S HOUSE - KITCHEN
[Rory comes out of her room.]
LORELAI: Morning!
RORY: God, I feel like I could sleep through the entire day.
LORELAI: Coffee will be ready soon.
RORY: What are you doing?
LORELAI: Well, I'm updating the refrigerator.
[She steps back from the fridge to display Rory's mug shot attached to the door.]
RORY: Where did you get that?
LORELAI: Oh, the nice lady at the police station e-mailed it to me. I thought it would look really nice next to your kindergarten handprint collage. I got you a copy if you're thinking Christmas cards.
RORY: Very thoughtful.
LORELAI: You hungry?
RORY: I'm starving. I've had nothing but donuts for two days. [Lorelai brings her some bread and water.] Funny.
LORELAI: Hold on.
[She turns on some music.]
RORY: I'm really glad you're enjoying this.
LORELAI: Rory, the penal system is not something we enjoy, It's something with a name that makes us giggle.
RORY: I assume there's pop-tarts? [She gets up.]
LORELAI: Now, what's on the agenda for today? I hear there's a shipment of plutonium coming in at the docks, and I thought we could dress up as nuns and I could distract them with a fake stigmata, you could shove the plutonium under your habit, and -
RORY: I have to got back to school. I have one last final, plus -
LORELAI: Oh, wait.
[She grabs two telephones and sets them on the table, as if they are separated by glass. She picks up one of the phones and looks up at Rory. Rory decides to play along.]
RORY: Plus I have one last load of stuff that I need to pick up and transport back here. And now I have to hang up. Visiting hours are over. [They hang up the phones.] Thanks for letting me borrow the Jeep.
LORELAI: Figured if I didn't give it to you voluntarily you'd just heist it anyway.
RORY: This bit's going to last for a while, huh?
LORELAI: Mm. Twenty to life. Time off for a well-placed Tom Sizemore Whizzenator joke.
RORY: Don't let the movies fool you, kiddies. Crime doesn't pay.
[She walks toward the door. Lorelai follows her.]
LORELAI: Listen, uh, later today I'm going to try and track us down a lawyer. I thought I'd call that guy who got Robert Blake off, what was his name, Houdini? [Rory stares at her.] What?
RORY: Where are you really going to get this lawyer?
LORELAI: The emergency room. Ambulance dispatch center?
RORY: You're not going to tell -
LORELAI: No. I'm not going to go through Mom and Dad. There's no reason they need to know about this.
RORY: Did I say I'm sorry in the last five minutes?
LORELAI: Hm. I think not slugging me when I pulled out the telephones said it for you.
RORY: I love you, mom.
LORELAI: I love you, kid.
[Rory kisses her cheek and leaves as the phone rings. Lorelai answers it.]
LORELAI: Hello.
LOGAN: Uh, hi. Is Rory there?
LORELAI: She just left, who's calling?
[Scene cuts to Logan at the Yale campus.]
LOGAN: It's Logan.
LORELAI [hesitates]: Oh. She's not here.
LOGAN: I've been trying to get her, her phone must be off or dead or something.
LORELAI: Well, she's heading back to school. You can just catch up with her there.
LOGAN: Yes, I'll do that.
LORELAI: Okay. Bye.
LOGAN: Oh, listen, I'm sorry to call your house. I just had this number and I wanted to talk to Rory.
LORELAI: It's okay, Logan.
LOGAN: And listen, I know you must be really upset by this whole thing, but I want you to know my father's lawyers are all over the situation, and -
LORELAI: Hey, you know what? I think your father has done just about enough here, okay?
LOGAN: Done enough?
LORELAI: Yes. So, thank your father for this. And I do mean all of this. But I think I can handle it from here.
LOGAN: But -
LORELAI: His help isn't needed, Logan. I've got it.
LOGAN: Okay. You got it. Sorry, I was just -
LORELAI: Rory should be back at school soon.
LOGAN: Right. Sorry to bother you.
LORELAI: No problem. Bye.
[She hangs up.]
YALE CAMPUS
[Rory walks around the corner to her dorm. Logan is sitting on the bench by her door.]
RORY: Hey.
LOGAN: What'd he do?
RORY: What?
LOGAN: My father. What'd he do?
RORY: Who told you that he did anything?
LOGAN: I called your house. I talked to your mom.
RORY: Great.
[She unlocks the door and they go inside.]
LOGAN: I should have known something happened, the way you showed up at Honor's party like that. I should have known.
RORY: My mother shouldn't have said anything.
LOGAN: She didn't say anything specific.
RORY: Then what'd she say?
LOGAN: Rory, just tell me what happened.
RORY: It's stupid. I feel stupid.
LOGAN: Rory.
RORY: I overreacted. You'll think I'm three.
LOGAN: Tell me.
RORY: He just doesn't think that I've got what it takes to be a journalist. He says he knows when someone has it, and I apparently do not have it.
LOGAN: He said that to you?
RORY: Yeah.
LOGAN: Just like that.
RORY: Pretty much.
LOGAN: I knew it. I knew this was going to happen. I didn't want you to take that internship.
RORY: I had to take the internship. Your father's the top guy in the business.
LOGAN: My father is a jackass! He's a bully! He has zero interest in people's feelings. It's always just say what you feel, right or wrong, who the hell cares who you hurt. Whatever. I'm going over there right now.
RORY: Logan, no.
LOGAN: You're my girlfriend, Rory, he should have treated you better than that.
RORY: I don't want you to say anything!
LOGAN: I have to!
RORY: Logan, no! Please! I just want to forget this. I just want it to go away! And please don't make a big thing between you and your dad, I don't want that!
LOGAN: Rory.
RORY: Don't put me in that position, please.
LOGAN [sighs]: I'm sure he'll give me a crappy present for my birthday. Maybe I can pick a fight with him over that.
RORY: Thank you.
LOGAN: You should have told me.
RORY: I didn't want to tell you.
LOGAN: Hey. If this relationship thing is going to work, then it goes both ways. You have to tell me why were committing a felony before we do it. Not that that's going to stop us, but at least I'll have all the facts, okay?
RORY: Okay. I'm sorry.
LOGAN: Come here. [He pulls her into a big hug.] You need some help packing?
RORY: No. I've got my last final today. I should go over my notes.
LOGAN: Okay. Call me after.
RORY: I will.
LOGAN: You're good?
RORY: I'm good.
LOGAN: Okay. Oh, and try and talk to your mother. My father's lawyers should really handle this thing. They've had a lot of practice, believe me.
RORY: Okay. I'll talk to her.
[He leaves.]
LUKE'S DINER
[The bikers cycle past, calling out to their followers as they round the corner.]
BIKERS: Big hole! Big hole! Big hole!
[Inside, spandex-clad bikers are everywhere. Taylor and Luke sit together at a table with a pile of papers.]
TAYLOR: You, uh, signed on the wrong line.
LUKE: Oh, sorry.
TAYLOR: Cross it out, initial it, and sign again.
BIKER [outside]: Big hole!
LUKE: What the hell is wrong with them? Why can't they just let the bozo in back of them figure out for himself there's a big hole there!
TAYLOR: You're awfully crabby for a man whose business is booming because of this race.
LUKE: I don't want this kind of business. It's too shiny.
TAYLOR: I myself am finding the whole thing rather intoxicating. Our little town, the site of an international sports event like this? You have no idea how much wrangling it took to get them here.
BIKER [outside]: Big hole!
LUKE: Ah, geez. I smudged! He made me smudge!
TAYLOR [patiently]: Cross it out, initial the smudge, then start again. [Luke sighs.] I lobbied the race coordinators for weeks. It was a lot of ouzo and karaoke, but I bagged our town the coveted first stop, last stop slot.
LUKE: Wait, first stop, last stop meaning -
TAYLOR: They start here today, circle the state, then end here later this week. Every one of them will be coming back.
BIKERS [outside]: Big hole! Big hole!
LUKE: Unbelievable.
TAYLOR: Uh, don't press too hard, there, buddy, I don't want to start all over again.
LUKE: That's the last one.
TAYLOR: Excellent. [He gathers up the papers.] Well, I guess congratulations are in order, Luke. You've just bought yourself the Twickham house.
LUKE: Thank you, Taylor.
[They get up and Taylor heads for the door.]
TAYLOR: Now, remember, there's a three day cooling-off period, meaning you have three days from today to change your mind.
LUKE: I'm not going to change my mind.
TAYLOR: Well, it's been a pleasure doing business with you, Luke! I certainly hope it works out for you and your future plans.
[He leaves.]
BIKER [outside]: Big hole!
LANE: I'm taking my break! [She sits down with the band and a plate of fries.] I have fifteen minutes.
ZACH: No chili?
LANE: Where's Gil?
ZACH: It totally needs some chili.
BRIAN: Gill called. His delivery boy didn't show so he has to make some stops on the way. He said he may not be able to make it.
LANE: Of course he can't make it. Why should he make it? I mean, it's only a band meeting, right? Nothing important.
ZACH [eating the fries]: Oh, my God, I can taste the potato!
BRIAN: So?
ZACH: So I hate the potato. The chili hides the potato.
LANE: Zach!
ZACH: Nice screech.
LANE: This right here, this attitude! It's exactly what I'm talking about.
ZACH: What do you mean, what you're talking about? You haven't said anything yet.
[Gil enters the diner, wearing his work uniform.]
LANE: I think we have a problem.
BRIAN: We do?
GIL: I just got totally boned by this sixteen year old Three Doors Down fan. My week sucks.
LANE: I started the meeting already, Gil.
GIL: Gee, sorry Lane. I dropped off the hoagies as quickly as I could. Next time I won't wait for the money, and my kid can just paint himself silver and do the robot on the street corner for tuition fees.
LANE: What's going on here? Are we breaking up?
ZACH: What? Oh, you mean the band. Okay, cool. Wow. Go on.
BRIAN: We're not breaking up. Are we breaking up?
LANE: Well, I don't know. It just seems to me that lately the band doesn't seem to be as important to everyone as it used to be.
ZACH: I don't agree.
LANE: We hardly practice anymore. Everyone else has all these other things to do. There were clothes on my drums this morning.
BRIAN: Sorry. After I Woolite that sweater I have to lay it out flat or else it loses its shape.
GIL: Lane, relax. Things have just been a little crazy lately.
BRIAN: Oh, that reminds me. I got offered that full-time receptionist job today.
ZACH [pleased]: Really?
GIL: Welcome to the grind, my friend.
BRIAN: They're giving me a raise and I get to keep the blazer.
GIL: Awesome blazer!
LANE: I'm sorry, does anyone else see what's going on here? Brian's talking about talking a full-time job.
BRIAN: So?
LANE: The band's supposed to be your full-time job!
ZACH: Lane.
LANE: No, no Lane! [To Zach] You have your Americana banjo band, [to Brian] and you have Century 21, [to Gil] and you have a really stupid hat on. And what do I have, huh? According to my mother I am going to hell for this. That's commitment, my friends! Eternal damnation is what I'm risking for my rock and roll!
ZACH: Lane, calm down. We all care about the band.
LANE: So I'm just imagining all of this?
[They all look at each other guiltily.]
LANE: I think we need to play more.
BRIAN: We've played every club around here a hundred times.
LANE: Well, then maybe we need to tour!
GIL: Tours are rough, Lane. They have to be planned. Venues must be booked, you need publicity. Transportation. Money.
LANE: Well, we have to do something.
BIKER [outside]: Big hole!
LUKE: That's it!
[Luke heads out the door with a baseball bat.]
BIKERS [outside]: Big bat! Big bat! Big bat!
DRAGONFLY INN - LOBBY
[The place is overrun by bikers. Michel walks through a crowd of them carrying a large gift basket. He looks objectionably at two bikers. One is poking the other's butt muscle.]
BIKER #1: Six hundred lunges every night.
BIKER #2: Impressive.
LORELAI [getting off the phone]: Thank you! [To Michel] We are booked, booked, booked. I now love bike riders so much, that from now on when driving I will no longer consider how many points I'd get if I took them out. What's this? [Michel sets down the gift basket.]
MICHEL: This is for you, apparently.
LORELAI: A present? I love presents! I wonder who it could be from? [She reads the card.] Lorelai, a little something to make the trip over to the Durham Group a bit more fun. Mike Armstrong. Thank you, Mike Armstrong!
MICHEL: That is the man who wants to buy the inn, no?
LORELAI: Oh, my God! Look at all this stuff! Travel soap, travel candles, a travel blanket, cashmere travel pillow, cashmere socks, oh my God. This is La Mer youth serum. Apparently you put this on before you get on a plane, and by the time you get off you're Dakota Fanning. Michel, take something! What do you want?
MICHEL: The memory of those bikers poking each other in the buttocks
'Eternal Sunshine'd out of my mind.
LORELAI: Come on, Michel, take something. You love products.
MICHEL: You're going to do it, aren't you?
LORELAI [sniffing a candle]: Do what?
MICHEL: You're going to sell the inn to Mike Armstrong.
LORELAI: Ooh, Euros. Cool.
MICHEL: You're going to sell the inn to Mike Armstrong, and then you're going to go off and have a wonderful life and I'm going to be unemployed. A very attractive asset on the dating scene. You know, we have our own little section at Match.com.
LORELAI: Michel, stop it. I'm probably not going to take the deal.
MICHEL: You're not?
LORELAI: This is my inn. I love it here. It's just fun being wooed, you know? Having someone want you enough to send you Prescriptives misting lotion.
MICHEL: Fine. If you say so.
LORELAI: Oh, hey, did the handyman get here yet? That loose banister's making me nervous.
MICHEL: He has not come. Should I call him again?
LORELAI: No. Forget it. I'll call Luke. He'll come fix it, and all it'll cost me is my honor.
MICHEL: Hm. What a lovely arrangement you two have. [He picks a bottle out of the basket and leaves.]
YALE CLASSROOM
[Students, sitting in rows of desks, are busily writing an exam. The professor sits at the front of the class reading a book. He checks his watch.]
PROFESSOR: And the countdown continues. Twenty-five more minutes, people. Can you stand the excitement? I know I can't.
[The camera moves down the aisle to Rory, who is leaning her head in her hand and gazing out the window. Her paper is blank.]
DRAGONFLY INN - LIVING ROOM
[Luke enters with his toolbox.]
LUKE: I've only got ten minutes. What do you need?
LORELAI: Oh! The banister's loose upstairs.
LUKE: Okay.
LORELAI: The window in room three is stuck. The barn door's off its tracks again, and ooh, hey, did you bring your jackhammer?
LUKE: Did you hear the part about I've only got ten minutes?
LORELAI: Window in room three is stuck.
LUKE: Let's go.
[They walk over to the front desk to get the key to room three.]
LORELAI: But, if you fix it really quickly, the banister is right on your way back down, so really you might as well take a look at that, too.
LUKE [referring to the gift basket]: What's all this stuff?
LORELAI: That is my big, fancy present.
LUKE: From who?
LORELAI: From Mike Armstrong.
LUKE: Who the hell is Mike Armstrong?
LORELAI: He's my other lover. He owns a diner in Woodbury. I didn't want you to find out this way, but -
LUKE [reading the card]: The Durham Group.
LORELAI: Yeah, they're the hotel chain who wants to buy the inn.
LUKE: What are they sending you gifts for?
LORELAI: Well, either they're disproportionately worried about my cuticles, or they can't live without me and they are begging me to accept their offer.
LUKE: To buy the inn.
LORELAI: Yeah. They've been after me ever since that meeting.
LUKE: What meeting?
LORELAI: The meeting with Mike Armstrong.
LUKE: I didn't know you had a meeting with Mike Armstrong.
LORELAI: Yes, you did.
LUKE: No I didn't.
LORELAI: Yes you did. You told me to have a meeting with Mike Armstrong.
LUKE: I know, but you never said anything, so I figured it went away.
LORELAI: Oh. Well, I had a meeting with Mike Armstrong.
[She heads over to the stairs. Luke follows her, mystified.]
LUKE: And?
LORELAI: And what?
LUKE: And what happened?
LORELAI: Nothing. He talked, I listened. I told him I'd think about it.
LUKE: Think about it.
LORELAI: Yeah.
LUKE: About selling the inn. And then, after you sell the inn, then what?
LORELAI: I'd be like a consultant for their company.
LUKE: Is that what you want?
LORELAI: I don't know.
LUKE: Are you going to take this job?
LORELAI: Probably not. I'm still mulling.
LUKE: Mulling! You're still mulling? She's still mulling!
LORELAI: Why are you so upset?
LUKE: I'm not upset! I just can't believe you're still mulling!
LORELAI: Luke!
LUKE: I mean, you're seriously considering selling the inn and taking this job. I mean, where's their office, anyway?
LORELAI: They've got a bunch of them. I don't know where exactly I'd be.
LUKE: Well, shouldn't you ask?
LORELAI: Hello, mulling.
LUKE: I mean, they could send you anywhere!
LORELAI: Luke!
LUKE: And then there's all that travel. There's travel, right?
LORELAI: Yes. No, I don't know. What are you freaking out about?
LUKE [hysterical]: Well, what about the kids?
LORELAI: What kids?
LUKE: Uh, nothing. Never mind, forget it. I'm going to - [He points up the stairs.] Fix the window.
LORELAI: Luke.
LUKE: Room three. Got it.
[Lorelai looks after him, stunned.]
KIM'S ANTIQUES
[Lane enters.]
LANE: Mama! It's me, Lane!
MRS. KIM: Over here, in the twenty percent off section.
LANE: Am I disturbing you?
MRS. KIM: No. But it is past their bedtime. [She holds up two dolls, which she is putting away in a dollhouse.] That was a joke.
LANE: You're in a good mood.
MRS. KIM: I had a good day.
LANE: Sell a lot of things?
MRS. KIM: You would like to see my receipts?
LANE: No.
MRS. KIM: My inventory reports?
LANE: No, Mama, I was just making small talk.
MRS. KIM: You would like some tea?
LANE: No, I just want to tell you something.
MRS. KIM: All right. [They sit.] Tell me something.
LANE: It looks like the band may be breaking up. We've hit a rut. We can't get enough gigs to get any momentum, and, I don't know. It's just not working.
MRS. KIM: I see.
LANE: I think I may need to move back home. I realize that if you allow me to do that, then I will have to abide by any rules you feel necessary. I also anticipate the words 'Seventh Day Adventist college' will come up, so I'll go shopping for some Peter Pan collared shirts tomorrow.
MRS. KIM: No more band?
LANE: No more band.
MRS. KIM: You are not the daughter I raised!
LANE: What?
MRS. KIM [standing]: Kims don't give up!
[She marches away. Lane watches her.]
WESTON'S BAKERY - OUTSIDE
[Rory is waiting for Lorelai at a table. Lorelai walks up.]
LORELAI: Sorry, sorry, sorry. The inn was swamped. These bikers are like rabbits who don't eat carrots, too much sugar. [She sits down.]
RORY: Mm, sugar!
LORELAI: The fitness craze is completely lost on us.
RORY: I'm starving.
LORELAI: Me too. [She picks up a menu.] Hey, so how'd your final go?
RORY: It went well.
LORELAI: Yeah? And you finished packing?
RORY: All packed, all boxed. I just have one more trip to school and home and then I'm done.
LORELAI: Ah. It's going to be nice to have you home for a while.
RORY: I'm glad you feel that way.
LORELAI: Yeah. The place hasn't had a decent dusting since you left. [Rory rolls her eyes.] Hey, do you think today is the day we're finally going to go through all twelve layers of the twelve-layer German chocolate cake? The bikers have demonstrated the importance of challenging oneself.
[Rory is fidgeting nervously.]
RORY: Mom.
LORELAI: Rory.
RORY: I have to tell you something.
LORELAI: Okay. Wow, there's something about Weston's, it's always the place where we 'talk'.
RORY: We could go somewhere else.
LORELAI: No, no, no. Tell me.
RORY [pauses, breathes deeply]: I have decided that I'm not going back to Yale next year.
LORELAI: I'm sorry, I don't think I heard you correctly
RORY: I'm not going back to Yale next year.
LORELAI: But why?
RORY: Because I'm not sure that it's the right place for me. And I'm not exactly sure what I'm going to do with my life, and -
LORELAI: Since when are you not sure what you're going to do with your life?
RORY: Mom -
LORELAI: You've known what you wanted to do with your life since you were three. Be a journalist.
RORY: Maybe not.
LORELAI: Oh. This is about Mitchum Huntzberger.
RORY: No, it's not.
LORELAI: Rory, honey, I know that what he said hurt you, and that shook you up and you lost your confidence, but that was just one man's opinion.
RORY: It has nothing to do with what he said. And Mitchum Huntzberger happens to be the top newspaper guy in the country.
LORELAI: So what?
RORY: So if you're going to get one man's opinion, he's the one man you get.
LORELAI: You're not thinking. This is the man who doesn't want you to marry Logan.
RORY: That wasn't him. It was Logan's mother and his grandfather.
LORELAI: And you really think he's okay with it? I mean, his while family looks at you and sees Anna Nicole Smith, and they tell you that to your face, but he thinks you're swell and wants to pay for the honeymoon.
RORY: That's not why he said what he said.
LORELAI: He's messing with your mind. He has so many motives that have nothing to do with your abilities!
RORY: That's not true! He said I can't do it, so I can't do it!
LORELAI: Why are you so willing to believe this guy?
RORY: Logan agrees with him.
LORELAI: He said that? He told you he agrees with has father? Because if that's so, he's a fantastic boyfriend. Really, quite a catch.
RORY: No, he didn't say it. I could just tell.
LORELAI: How?
RORY: I could tell. He ranted about his father being a jerk, and speaking his mind, but he never said that he was wrong.
LORELAI: Rory, come on. What kind of logic is that?
RORY: It doesn't matter. This isn't about that. I told you. I just need some time.
LORELAI: You're making a mistake.
RORY: No, I'm not! This is normal! College kids take breaks like this all the time. You didn't go to college, so you don't understand.
LORELAI: No, I didn't go to college. I wasn't lucky enough to go to college.
RORY: Trust me, this is very normal.
LORELAI: No. You are not quitting Yale.
RORY: Yes I am!
LORELAI: You're acting incredibly immature. And I know it's because you're hurt, but you have got to get a grip! This is too important! You've been working towards Yale your whole life!
RORY: No. I was working toward Harvard my whole life.
LORELAI: Okay, fine. Then go to Harvard. That's cool.
RORY: I don't want to go to Harvard!
LORELAI: Then go to Princeton or Stamford or Columbia!
RORY: I want time off!
LORELAI: If you leave Yale now, you'll never go back. You'll lose momentum.
RORY: Momentum toward what? All I've been doing is working toward being a journalist! I'm not going to be a journalist, so what momentum am I losing exactly?
LORELAI: You don't want to be a journalist, fine! I don't care about that! But you stay in school, you take some classes, you figure out what you do want to be!
RORY: That's not what Yale is for!
LORELAI: That's what college is for!
RORY: Yale's expensive!
LORELAI: Are you paying?
RORY: I don't want to do that! I don't want to wander around a school where everyone else is focused and working toward something and I'm just floating!
LORELAI: So what's the great master plan, then, huh? You're going to move back home, live in your room, work part-time at the bookstore? Forget it. Not an option.
RORY: I'll figure it out.
LORELAI [grabs her purse]: I'm not hungry.
RORY: Look, I'm not going back. I just wanted you to know.
LORELAI: Message sent.
[She walks away. Rory leans back in her chair, miserable.]
LUKE'S DINER
[Caesar looks out the window.]
CAESAR: Luke, you were looking for Taylor?
LUKE: Yeah.
CAESAR: He's right outside.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Taylor is standing in front of Luke's window, cheering on the bikers.]
TAYLOR: Go, Connecticut!
LUKE: I'll be back in a minute.
[He goes outside and follows Taylor across the street, not looking. Bikers fall all over the road trying to avoid him. Oblivious, he reaches Taylor on the other side.]
LUKE: Hey, Taylor?
TAYLOR: Uh, hello, Luke.
LUKE: You said I had three days, right?
TAYLOR: Three?
LUKE: For the house. Three days to back out.
TAYLOR: Well, I didn't say that, the law did.
LUKE: Fine, whoever said it, I want out.
TAYLOR: What?
LUKE: Forget the house! Forget the whole damn thing! I don't need it anymore.
TAYLOR: Why, Luke!
[Luke walks back to the diner, stepping over the fallen bikers.]
ELDER GILMORE'S HOUSE
[Richard and Emily have a quiet breakfast. They read the paper. Emily looks up.]
EMILY: I have a lunch with Sunny Kingsman today. And then I have to stop by the club at four. Some of the girls are having an impromptu birthday cocktail with Melly Rutkers. Though the last thing Melly needs is another excuse for a midday cocktail. [Richard continues to read silently.] I can stop by the cleaners on my way home if you want to have something pressed for your trip this weekend.
RICHARD: Uh-huh.
EMILY [realizing he's not listening]: And then after the cleaners I thought I'd run off with Marshall, the golf instructor at the club. Do you think you could manage to get your own dinner tonight?
RICHARD: That'll be fine, Emily.
[Emily rolls her eyes. The doorbell rings.]
EMILY: I wonder who that could be, first thing in the morning?
RICHARD: Perhaps it's Marshall, the golf instructor, unable to wait until after Melly's party to have you. I know I couldn't.
EMILY: You do surprise me, Richard Gilmore.
[Lorelai enters the dining room.]
LORELAI: Hey, um, I'm sorry to interrupt your breakfast.
EMILY: Lorelai?
LORELAI: Uh, I need to talk to you guys about something.
RICHARD: Is everything all right?
LORELAI: Well -
EMILY: Sit down, Lorelai. Davita, bring a coffee cup for my daughter!
RICHARD: I have to call the office if this is going to take long.
LORELAI: No, Dad, it won't, I just, um. I need your help.
EMILY: Call the office, Richard.
LORELAI: No, Dad. I promise, it'll be quick. Rory's quitting Yale.
RICHARD: What? What are you talking about?
[The maid brings Lorelai a cup of coffee.]
LORELAI: Thank you.
EMILY: What do you mean, Rory's quitting Yale? Why would you joke about something like that?
LORELAI: What makes you think I'm joking?
EMILY: Because Rory would never quit Yale! This must be one of your bits. You scare us with something horrible, like Rory's quitting college, and then after we have a heart attack, you tell us you were just kidding. You're having a s*x change operation.
LORELAI: Mom. Dad. I'm not having a s*x change operation.
RICHARD: I don't understand this. Rory's doing beautifully at school. Why would she want to leave?
LORELAI: Okay, look. I know you love Logan and the Huntzbergers, and you already have the wedding invitations printed and ready to go, but I have to tell you these are not good people.
RICHARD: Meaning what?
LORELAI: Logan's mother and grandfather attacked Rory at that dinner they invited her to. They told her she wasn't good enough to marry into the Huntzberger family, and she wasn't who they wanted for Logan.
EMILY: Not good enough?
LORELAI: Then Mitchum Huntzberger gave Rory that internship, theoretically to make up for that evening. He let her work for a while, he built her up, and then he clobbered her. He told her she doesn't have what it takes to be a journalist, and she needs to find something else to do with her life.
RICHARD [shocked]: What?
LORELAI: This happened on Friday night, Mom, that's why Rory wasn't at dinner. She was devastated. Then she went to find Logan at the yacht club, and the two of them stole a yacht!
RICHARD: No, stop it! Stop it, right now!
LORELAI: They were arrested and I had to pick Rory up from the Bridgeport police department.
EMILY: Oh, no.
LORELAI: Ever since she got involved with these people, things have been bad. She's up and she's down and she should be stronger than this, I know, but she's young and she's Rory and she's come so far, she's worked so hard. I just don't want her to lose this.
[Emily and Richard look at each other.]
RICHARD [pulls a notebook out of his pocket]: What do you want us to do?
LORELAI: Well, I've already told her that just coming home and bumming around Stars Hollow is not an option, and I was thinking Friday night at dinner we could triple-team her. I bet between the three of us we could knock some sense into her. But I really need the two of you to back me up on this.
EMILY: Well, of course we'll back you up! This is not happening!
RICHARD: How much trouble is she in with this yacht incident?
LORELAI: She's going to need a lawyer.
RICHARD: I'll call Charlie Newman.
EMILY: Are we sure we want to wait until Friday? Should we confront her now?
LORELAI: No, I think we should give her a chance to cool off a little, maybe some time will make her more receptive.
RICHARD: I agree with Lorelai. Give the girl some time.
EMILY: All right. Friday night it is.
LORELAI: Thank you. Just, thank you. [Richard smiles at her.] I should get going. Dad has to get to work.
EMILY: Would you like something to eat?
LORELAI: No. I just got everything I need.
[She gets up and leaves.]
ELDER GILMORE HOUSE - LATER
[Richard comes down the stairs.]
RICHARD: Davita, could you come here please?
[The maid hurries over to him.]
RICHARD: Look at these shoes and tell me, do these look like the same color to you? They're supposed to be the same color, they were bought at the same time, they've been residing in the same box. However, on closer examination, one of them seems a little faded. What do you think?
[The maid shakes nervously.]
RICHARD: What's the matter? I was just asking your opinion. Davita, stop that shaking right now. This is not a trick question. I just wanted an opinion from - oh, for heaven's sake. Go back to your work.
[She nods and leaves. The doorbell rings.]
RICHARD: So I guess I'll get that.
[He opens the door. It's Rory.]
RICHARD: Rory.
RORY: Can I come in?
RICHARD: Oh. Well, all right. Come in. I didn't expect to see you until dinner tonight.
RORY: I needed to talk to you.
RICHARD: Yes, well, your grandmother is running some errands and I was just doing some work in the house, so -
RORY: Well, I assume you've heard about everything by now.
RICHARD: Yes. Well, I believe I've heard some bits and pieces. You know, I really was in the middle of something Can this possibly wait until tonight? I'll give you my full attention, I promise.
[Rory starts to cry. Richard doesn't know what to do.]
RORY: Everything's falling apart. I messed everything up, I don't know what to do.
RICHARD: Your grandmother should be back any minute. [Rory cries.] I can have a maid make us some tea.
RORY [hugs him]: I'm so sorry, Grandpa! I'm so sorry about everything! I just, I don't know what to do. I don't.
RICHARD [hugs her back]: It's all right. Everything will be all right.
LANE'S HOUSE
[The members of the band are waiting for Lane. Gil is pacing, Brian is reading a book and Zach is playing video games.]
GIL: Where is she, dude?
ZACH: Don't know, man. I'm not a warden.
BRIAN: This is the second emergency band meeting in a week.
GIL: And time is pressing. I have a ten-pound salami sitting out in the van.
[Zach snickers.]
GIL: Do not giggle. [He gestures to his delivery uniform.] This is not nerdy. This is a job.
BRIAN: Hey, can one of you quiz me on the open house procedures?
ZACH: Level twelve, dude.
GIL: I'll do it. [He takes the book from Brian.] True or false. Simmering some apple juice and a couple of cinnamon sticks makes a pleasant aroma indicating 'home' to prospective buyers.
BRIAN: True.
GIL: I'd add a little potpourri to the johns, too.
[Mrs. Kim bursts into the room, followed by Lane,]
ZACH: Geez!
MRS. KIM: All boys here?
ZACH: Yes.
MRS. KIM: Good.
LANE [smiling]: Guys. Guess what.
ZACH: Your mother just took ten years off my life?
LANE: We are going on tour.
BRIAN: We are?
GIL: What are you talking about?
[Mrs. Kim sits at the table and opens a thick binder.]
MRS. KIM: All of you. Gather round, please. [They look at each other, dumbfounded.] Do not stand there looking stupid! Move! [They obey.] Okay. You start at the First Lady of Our Sacred Heart on the fourth. The Church of the Open Hand on the sixth. Chapel Hill on the tenth. The big auditorium, not the Sunday school room.
ZACH: Are you sensing a pattern here?
GIL: Well, they do have kind of a horseshoe shape. It looks pretty well thought out.
ZACH: No. They're all churches.
LANE: Not churches. Theatres in churches.
MRS. KIM: I have contacts with the entire east coast's Seventh Day Adventist entertainment circuit. Dates back to my days in an all-girl Christian tambourine band.
ZACH: What?
MRS. KIM: I have you booked solid for two months. Families in each town will take you in, feed you, put you up -
GIL: I don't know. This seems a little weird.
MRS. KIM: Weird? What weird? You need to play, here's places to play. Nice places. Clean places. [She points at Gil.] Don't wear that outfit on stage.
GIL: It's my delivery outfit! Lane, tell her I don't dress like this.
MRS. KIM: I need to see your songs.
ZACH: Why?
MRS. KIM: To see if you need to make any adjustments. Lyrics must be clean.
ZACH: Okay, that's where we draw the line. We will not change our lyrics.
MRS. KIM: Oh, please. Prince made fifty-seven million take home last year. He didn't swear, and he mentioned God. Catch up. Okay, last problem. Transportation.
BRIAN: Hey, what about the van?
MRS. KIM: What van?
LANE: Gil's delivery van.
MRS. KIM: You have van?
GIL: Yeah. Right outside. Full of salami.
MRS. KIM: Let's see this van!
[She gets up and goes outside. Everyone follows her.]
ZACH: Lane! We can't go on some crazy Christian crusade tour!
LANE: It's a tour, Zach! It's a chance to play, to keep our band together. Isn't that important? Who cares where we're playing? Our music will be out there.
BRIAN: A tour would be kind of neat.
GIL: Brian, if you do a tour right, it could be way more than neat.
MRS. KIM: Gil, get over here!
GIL: Yes, ma'am!
MRS. KIM: This is your van?
[She opens the side door of the Volkswagen van.]
GIL: Yes. But it's not really big enough for a tour van.
MRS. KIM: What are you talking about? All twenty-seven girls and their tambourines would fit very nicely in here. Legs crossed, of course.
GIL: But -
MRS. KIM: Drums go there, bass goes there, guitars go there, Lane rides up front, and we get rid of the big salami. Pop the hood, I need to check the engine!
[She goes around to the back of the van.]
LANE: Okay, okay! I know. It's not perfect. It's not the Festival Express, but it could be really great. What do you say?
GIL: I think it's freaking crazy. Which also happens to be completely rock and roll. Let's do it!
LANE: Seriously?
GIL: Totally!
BRIAN: Century 21's been around for over thirty years. I'm sure they'll be here when I get back.
LANE: Zach?
ZACH: Well, geez, Dorothy, if Tinman and Lion are going to go, I guess I have to go too. [He pulls himself up like the Scarecrow.]
LANE: Yay!
GIL: Yeah!
[They group hug.]
MRS. KIM: Gil, get over here and pop the hood, now!
GIL: Yes, ma'am.
MRS. KIM: I haven't got all day.
GIL: I'm sorry.
MRS. KIM: You'll need new hoses, spark plugs, oil change.
GIL: Wait, let me write this down.
[Lane smiles. She is clearly thrilled.]
ELDER GILMORE'S HOUSE - FRONT DOOR
[The maid opens the door for Lorelai. Lorelai smiles at her.]
LORELAI: Hi.
DAVITA: Can I take your coat?
LORELAI: Thank you.
[She takes the coat and scurries off.]
EMILY [OS]: Lorelai, we're in here.
LORELAI: Oh, hey! I thought I'd come a little early so we could strategize.
[She walks into the living room.]
RICHARD: Sit down, Lorelai.
LORELAI: Okay. Uh, Rory should be here pretty soon, so -
RICHARD: Your mother and I have been talking about the situation. We have discussed the matter thoroughly, and we have come to a decision. [He pauses.] Rory will be taking some time off from Yale. She will be moving into the pool house here with us. We will find her some sort of suitable job through one of our friends, and then after a suitable amount of time has passed, we will revisit the subject of her returning to school.
[Lorelai looks blankly at her parents, then gets up and walks into the dining room.]
EMILY: Where are you going?
[They get up and follow her. Lorelai stares at the table.]
LORELAI: I was sitting right here. I came in, I sat right here, and we had the conversation, right? I mean, I'm not imagining it, right?
EMILY: Lorelai -
LORELAI: I had coffee, you had grapefruit -
RICHARD: Lorelai -
LORELAI: Dad was reading the paper, he had to go, so I said I'd make it quick, and we sat here, and we talked about how we were going to stick together and convince Rory to go back to school! That did happen, right? I mean, I'm not completely whacko.
RICHARD: Yes, it did happen.
LORELAI: I mean, obviously I'm a little whacko, because I came here for help in the first place, but I'm not totally delusional!
RICHARD: There were other things to consider.
LORELAI: You said you would back me on this! You said you weren't going to let this happen!
RICHARD: Rory is young. And I'm sure, once she's had some time and some space she will change her mind. But for now, this is what she wants to do. And we need to respect that.
LORELAI: Have you talked to Rory about this? Your great plan, does she even know about it?
RICHARD: Yes! She's fine with the arrangement.
LORELAI: So you went to her. Behind my back.
RICHARD: She came to me, Lorelai. She told me what she wanted in her own words!
LORELAI: Wow, so that does work occasionally with you, huh?
EMILY: This makes sense. We don't want her to move in with Logan, do we? And since you don't want Rory to move back home to Stars Hollow it just makes sense that she move in here with us!
LORELAI: I don't under -
RICHARD: To watch her. Keep her from getting into trouble. We can get her back on track! [Lorelai walks out.] You'll understand that once you calm down and think about it rationally!
[The front door closes.]
RORY'S POOL HOUSE
[Through the window, Lorelai sadly watches Rory unpacking boxes. Rory looks up and sees her. They look at each other for a moment. Rory breaks away and goes back to unpacking. Lorelai, hurt, walks away slowly.]
STARS HOLLOW TOWN SQUARE
[The town is still decorated for the bike race. It is night time and Taylor is waiting at the finish line.]
TAYLOR: This is unacceptable! Completely unacceptable! What time is it?
KIRK: Ten o'clock.
TAYLOR: It's not! It is not ten o'clock! Is it ten o'clock?
KIRK [hesitates]: No.
TAYLOR: They were supposed to finish the race at twelve. That's twelve noon! When the sun is out and the press are here and the people are interested in buying t-shirts. Nobody buys t-shirts at ten o'clock at night!
KIRK: Sweatshirts, maybe.
TAYLOR: Well, we're not selling sweatshirts, are we? All that planning. I finally had to send the marching band home. It was past their bedtimes! I have never met such soft, whiney six-year-olds in my entire life. If this was Dickens' day, they all would have been sold to a cobbler by now.
KIRK: I think I see someone coming.
TAYLOR: Oh, really? At ten-ten they come rolling in, huh? [Yelling at the bikers] You're late! You're late! You're all late! You, and you, and you!
LUKE'S DINER
[Luke wipes the counter. Lorelai enters.]
LORELAI [quietly]: Rory dropped out of Yale.
LUKE: What?
LORELAI: She dropped out of Yale and she moved in with my parents, who I went to for help, and they stabbed me in the back. Everything we worked for. All these years. Her whole future. She was supposed to have more than me. She was supposed to have everything. That was the plan. We had a plan.
LUKE: Okay, I'm sorry. I have to jump in here. Uh, I know you think you have this thing handled, but I can help. First off, we call Yale and we tell them something like, uh, Rory had a chemical imbalance and she was mentally out of her mind when she told them she was dropping out. And then we get her out of your parents house whatever way we can. We lock her up in her room with you, because you can talk anybody into anything. And if worse comes to worst, we will drive her to school every day and we will follow her to class and camp out there to make sure she goes. I'll take morning classes, you take afternoon classes, or the other way around, if it works out better for your schedule. And I know there's a few kinks to work out, the kidnapping thing might be a little problematic but either way, she is not quitting school. This was her dream. I am not going to let this happen.
[He takes a deep breath. Lorelai is gazing at him.]
LUKE: What?
LORELAI: Luke, will you marry me?
LUKE: What?
_________________________END_____________________________ | Plan: A: Rory; Q: Who tells Lorelai that she won't be going back to Yale next year? A: the police station; Q: Where does Lorelai go to pick up Rory? A: her home; Q: Where does Lorelai take Rory after she picks her up from the police station? A: Logan; Q: Who calls Rory while Lorelai is trying to keep her from talking to him? A: Logan's idea; Q: What does Rory say the boat theft was not? A: the fatherly type; Q: What type of role does Luke play toward Rory? A: a talk; Q: What does Logan want to have with his father? A: her parents; Q: Who does Lorelai go to for help? A: her grandparents house; Q: Where does Rory go to talk to her grandparents about her decision? A: her situation; Q: What does Rory tell her grandparents about? A: her decision; Q: What does Rory convince her grandparents to support? A: their poolhouse; Q: Where does Rory decide to live until she decides to go back to Yale? A: Mrs. Kim; Q: Who helps Lane and her band get gigs? A: gigs; Q: What does Mrs. Kim help Lane and her band get? Summary: After receiving a call from her, Lorelai goes to pick Rory up from the police station and takes her home. While on the way home Logan calls Rory and Lorelai orders her not to talk to him and she does anyway. Rory explains that the boat theft was not Logan's idea and Lorelai should not blame him. Lorelai goes to Luke and freaks out about what to do and how to act and Luke plays the fatherly type toward Rory while talking to Lorelai. Logan finds out that his father upset Rory and says he will have a talk with his father, but Rory begs him not to. Rory tells Lorelai that she decided she won't be going back to Yale next year. Lorelai doesn't like this idea and goes to her parents for help. Somewhere in between, Rory goes to her grandparents house to talk to them about her situation and ends up convincing them to support her decision. They then tell Lorelai that Rory will be living in their poolhouse until she decides she wants to go back to Yale. On the other hand, Mrs. Kim helps Lane and her band get gigs and stay together. Show ends with a proposal from Lorelai. |
ACT ONE
Scene One - Frasier's Apartment It's evening. Niles is sitting at the dinner table, eyes shut.
Frasier: Are your eyes closed?
Niles: What is it?
Frasier places a huge, gorgeously elaborate antique chess set on the table.
Frasier: It's something my antiques scout found for me. Voila! [Niles opens his eyes and gapes] Paris, 1882! Designed by Jean- Francois Blon, while attending L'Ecole des Beaux Arts!
Niles: Mon Dieu! It's absolutely breathtaking! I'm breathless! [gasps] I need to take a breath.
Daphne comes into the living room.
Daphne: Evening, Dr. Crane. Frasier and Niles ad-lib hellos.
Frasier: Would you like to try a game, Niles?
Niles: Oh, I think not. It'll make me too melancholy.
Frasier: Well, all right.
Niles: Maris and I used to play chess every Thursday night. Oh, how she loved the game.
Frasier: No wonder - the king is stationary while the queen has all the power.
Daphne: How are you getting along, Dr. Crane?
Niles: Oh, all right, I guess.
Daphne: Feeling a bit lonely, are we?
Niles: Only some times when I'm by myself, or other times when I'm with other people.
Daphne: It may not be my place to suggest this, but perhaps all you need is a little company at the apartment - something warm and friendly to come home?
Niles: Well, I'm sure Dad would miss you.
Daphne: [laughs and bats his arm] Oh, Dr. Crane!
Niles: [laughs and bats himself] Oh, me!
Frasier bats his arm, signaling him to knock it off.
Daphne: I'm talking about a dog. They're wonderful companions. Just look at how much Eddie's brought to your father's life.
Frasier scowls, thinking exactly how much Eddie's brought to his life.
Daphne: Oh, there's nothing like a dog's unconditional love. Seeing that smiling face greet you at the door. It's one of the most rewarding relationships a person can have.
Eddie runs in, carrying his leash in his mouth.
Daphne: Again? If you're going to drink out of the toilet, you can at least learn to use it. [she fits the leash on Eddie] Would you like to come with me? Maybe get the feel of the leash?
Niles: [when she puts it that way] Perhaps I will.
He takes the leash from her and follows her out the door.
Niles: You know, Daphne, maybe you're on to something with this dog business. I'm starting to feel less lonely already.
He shuts the door on the leash, trapping Eddie inside. He opens the door again.
Niles: Chop, chop! Come with us. They leave. Martin comes out of the hallway.
Frasier: Oh, hi, Dad. Did you see my new chess set?
Martin: Oh yeah, it's nice.
Frasier: "Nice?" Well, the inlay was made from the same Travertine marble they used at the Emperor Hadrian's palace outside Tivoli!
Martin: Really? Well, I'm gonna celebrate with a beverage brewed from the crystal-clear waters of the majestic Colorado Rockies!
He goes to the kitchen for a beer.
Frasier: Good one, Dad. Say, how about a game?
Martin: Nah, I don't think so.
Frasier: Oh, come on, Dad. You know how to play, don't you?
Martin: Well, Daphne showed me once. But really, checkers is more my speed.
Frasier: Oh, come on, checkers is a kid's game. Come on, Dad! I just got it! Please? Nobody will play with me!
Martin: All right, I'll give it another shot. [sits opposite Frasier and pulls his chair up to the table] Those guys at the park make it look great-eating baloney sandwiches, smoking cigars, sometimes a fist-fight even breaks out!
Frasier: Well, let's just start with name-calling and see where it goes, all right?
Frasier moves.
DISSOLVE TO: a While Later. The game is almost finished. Frasier moves.
Frasier: Your turn. Martin almost immediately moves.
Frasier: Now, Dad, please, you don't have to rush. As a novice, you have the right to sit back, survey the board, take your time. I will not pressure you or hover like a vulture. Please, feel free to ask any questions you might have.
Martin: Is this a checkmate?
Frasier: [looking] Yes, it is.
Martin: You mean I won?
Frasier: Well, yes.
Martin: Hey, hey! I won! How do you like that?
Frasier: Well, in all fairness, my mind was a bit distracted by having to monitor your side of the board, but, uh... Touche! How about another game, Dad?
Martin: No, I think one'll do it for me, thanks.
Frasier: Well, uh, all right, fair enough.
He takes a wooden case and starts to put the pieces away.
Martin: Boy, I really clobbered you though, didn't I? I got almost all of your prawns.
Frasier: Pawns, Dad.
Martin: I think the turning point was when I got that tower-thingy.
Frasier: Yes, it's called a rook.
Martin: But the real knockout blow was when I backed your little horsey-guy into the corner.
Frasier: Can we call it a night, Dad?
Martin: O.K., when I cornered your knight.
Frasier: No, I mean can we call it a night?
Martin shrugs and goes to his room. Frasier continues to stew.
[SCENE_BREAK]
MAYBE IT'S SHORT FOR NODULE
Scene Two - Café Nervosa Frasier is sitting at a corner table, replaying the previous night's chess game with a small pocket set. Roz sits at his table.
Roz: Hey, Frasier.
Frasier: Oh hi, Roz.
A waitress comes up.
Roz: Uh, one double-tall latte, a slice of pecan pie with extra whipped cream.
Waitress: Anything else?
Frasier: Perhaps a blood-pressure cuff?
Roz: I'm just a little nervous today, O.K.?
Frasier: Oh, really? Trouble on the dating front?
Roz: I'm not that shallow, all right? It's about my hair. I've got an appointment this afternoon with Noge.
Frasier: "Noge?"
Roz: He's the hottest hairstylist in Seattle?
Frasier: "Noge?"
Roz: I think he's getting a little bored with me. When he cuts my hair, I can't ever think of anything to say!
Frasier: Well, how's this for an icebreaker: "Say, Noge, where'd you get such a stupid name?"
Roz: You should see him with all of his other clients. They're all laughing, having a wonderful time. I walk in, sit down, it's death. [picks up newspaper] Maybe there's something in here that'll hold his attention. [reads] Oh, wow, here's something. A lady in Italy gave birth to a nineteen-pound baby!
Frasier: Oh my God.
Roz: No kidding. She's not going to be hopping on her Vespa anytime soon.
Frasier: That's how he did it.
Roz: What are you talking about?
Frasier: My father beat me at chess last night, and I've just realized now it was sheer dumb luck. He stumbled into the Panoph- Vinick attack!
Roz: Frasier, I-
Frasier: Oh Roz, I can't tell you what a relief this is. My God, my whole world makes sense again.
Roz: Frasier, you are forgetting about my problem with Noge.
Frasier: Yes, and it'd be a lot easier if you'd stop bringing it up.
[SCENE_BREAK]
AND SHE'S HYPOGLYCEMIC
Scene Three - Frasier's Apartment It's evening. The doorbell rings, and Frasier opens the door to Niles.
Frasier: Hello, Niles.
Niles: Hello, Frasier.
Frasier: To what do I owe this pleasure?
Niles: Well, I took to heart Daphne's suggestion the other day about a need for companionship since my separation from Maris, so I went out and got a new lady in my life.
Niles leads in Girl - a pencil-thin Whippet with a narrow, curving spine, tall skinny legs, and blue-white fur.
Niles: I can't explain it. I'm not a dog person, but there's something about this particular breed that I find comforting and familiar. It's mystifying, isn't it?
Frasier: Mmm, baffling.
Niles: I-I happened into my local pet shop, and I had no intention of buying anything, I was merely browsing, and they showed me some overly demonstrative puppies. Then I heard a haughty little sniff from a cage in the corner, and there she was!
[to Girl] Sit, Girl, sit! [Girl doesn't move] OK. [to Frasier] She's, uh, she's a bit high strung, but, uh, she's terribly well-bred. When I tried to pet her, she'd have none of it.
Frasier: Well, I'm surprised she wasn't snapped up before you got there.
Niles: Yes, well, the man at the pet store said it's because people are reluctant to take responsibility for her nerve medicine.
Niles sits on the couch. Girl jumps up beside him.
Niles: No, not on the couch. Off, off! [Girl doesn't move] OK. Martin and Daphne come in from the hallway.
Martin: Hey, Niles.
Niles: Hey, Dad.
Martin: [notices Girl] What the hell is that?
Niles: It's my dog, my new best friend.
Frasier: Yes, Niles saw her in the pet store and had this inexplicable attraction.
Martin: You can see her ribs!
Frasier: Hit Number One.
Niles: Daphne, I owe it all to you.
Daphne: [laughing nervously] Oh really, Dr. Crane, I wouldn't want you going around telling people I was responsible for that.
Niles: Well, I guess we'll be toddling along. [gets up] Come Girl, come! [Girl doesn't move] OK. [picks her up and carries her to the door] The city streets play havoc with her delicate little feet, so I have to go home and pumice her paw-pads!
Niles exits, leaving Martin, Frasier, and Daphne staring after him.
Daphne: Am I the only one?
Frasier/Martin: No.
Daphne: Does Dr. Crane have any idea...
Frasier/Martin: No.
Daphne shakes her head and goes to her room.
Frasier: So, Dad, can I, uh, interest you in an ice-cold Ballantine?
Martin: Yeah, sounds good.
Frasier: You know, I may even join you myself. I've got some pork rinds here and some of that creamy Lipton onion soup dip!
Martin: Oh, with the seven herbs and spices?
Frasier: Well, just count 'em!
Frasier sets down two cold beers and a snack tray filled with pork rinds, potato chips, and dip on the table, then goes back into the kitchen. Martin sits in a chair.
Martin: Hey, that's great! All my favorite stuff... you're putting me in a home, aren't you?
Frasier: [laughing] Oh, don't be silly! But you know, if I ever had to, don't you think it'd be nice if you knew how to play chess?
Frasier emerges from the kitchen with his chess set. Martin realizes he's been duped.
DISSOLVE TO: a While Later. It's Frasier's turn. Very slowly, he picks up his piece and sets it down, then even more slowly starts to remove his hand, leaving his fingertip for last. Martin reaches for a piece.
Frasier: Dad, it's not considered a move until my fingers have completely cleared the piece.
Martin: Well, what's taking so long?
Frasier: I am analyzing my options. Unlike your "wing-it" approach, I like to plan a strategy, like a general leading his troops into battle.
Frasier takes his finger off. Martin moves.
Martin: Checkmate, Schwartzkopf. Frasier is incredulous again.
Frasier: Gosh, that's very well done. You're really getting a feel for the game, Dad.
Martin: Yeah, and all this time I thought chess was hard. [gets up] Well, see ya.
Frasier: Sit down, old man, you're not going anywhere!
Martin sighs and sits down again.
DISSOLVE TO: A While Later While Frasier stares intently at the board, Martin is sitting in an armchair, goofing around with Eddie.
Daphne: [o.s.] Mr. Crane, would you give me a hand with these dishes?
Martin: I can't, I'm playing chess with Frasier.
Frasier, after wringing his head in his hands, finally moves.
Frasier: Finally, my patience will be rewarded. The trap is set. I knew this moment would come!
Martin: It comes every game.
Martin comes back to the table, takes a quick look without sitting down, and moves.
Martin: Checkmate. Well, that's it. Show's over, folks. Move along. Nothing more to see here.
Frasier: You know, Dad-
Martin: No, no, I'm not playing anymore. I'm tired and I'm going to bed.
Martin walks to the hallway.
Frasier: O.K. [chuckling] Yes, I guess I've had my fill as well. Well, this has really turned out to be quite a good idea, hasn't it, this chess thing?
Martin: 'Night.
Frasier: Awfully relaxing... oh, yes, yes, you just - you just go on ahead, I-I've got - hah! - something I've got to do...
Frasier, still chuckling, picks up a cushion from the couch and goes out onto the balcony. Closing the door behind him, he mashes the cushion into his face and howls into it.
END OF ACT ONE
ACT TWO
Scene Four - Café Nervosa Roz is standing at the bar with a cup of coffee. Frasier comes in.
Roz: Hey, Frasier!
Frasier: Hi, Roz.
Roz: I have great news! My appointment with Noge could not have gone better.
Frasier: What is the reason behind this miraculous transformation?
Roz: Well, it occurred to me that hairstylists love celebrity gossip. And I thought, "hey, I know a celebrity: you!"
Frasier: [wary] And what did you tell him about me?
Roz: Well, he may have gotten the impression that you- [laughs fraudulently] - well, you're gonna love this - that, you know... you may have been... in the past... a woman, you're not mad at me, are you?
Frasier: Mad? Why should I be mad, knowing the sacred code of silence all hairdressers have sworn to?
Roz: All right, I'll set Noge straight.
Frasier: Well, if you manage that, then you really would have a story.
Roz leaves. Niles comes in.
Niles: Well, hello. [to waitress] Double cappuccino, please.
Frasier: Yeah, same for me, please. [to Niles] Listen, Niles, I need to talk to you about Dad.
Niles: Oh yes, how is the Bobby Fischer of the geriatric circuit?
They sit at a table.
Frasier: Well, he's still beating me. I tell you, Niles, I just can't figure it out - I am the superior player.
Niles: There's a saying: "In every boy's life, the moment of greatest joy and greatest sorrow is when he defeats his father for the first time."
Frasier: If you're suggesting that I'm afraid to beat Dad, you can just stop right there.
Niles: O.K. The other option is, he's better than you.
Frasier: You were saying?
The waitress brings their coffees. They both say thank you.
Niles: Sooner or later, the son eclipses the father. It's the natural order. Yet it's frequently a stumbling block because the son's competitive stirrings are accompanied by tremendous feelings of guilt.
Frasier: I see. Yes, it's the classic Oedipal conflict. It seems so obvious now. I've been letting him win! Niles, thank you, thank you very much. I can't tell you what a relief this is. I feel like a weight has been lifted. Nothing can hold me back now. Tonight, I topple the king!
Niles: Hear, hear.
They clink their coffee cups together.
Niles: Of course, you realize by dethroning Dad, you're next in line to be dethroned by Frederick, and then the only thing left after that is death, but that's another day and another cup of coffee.
Frasier gives him a look.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Scene Five - Frasier's Apartment It's late evening. Frasier and Martin are back at the table. Frasier is tense and alert, while Martin is tired and can barely keep his eyes open. Frasier moves.
Frasier: Dad? Dad, wake up, it's your turn.
Martin: [waking up; sleepy] Oh, I'm sorry... [moves] Checkmate. Well, I'm going to bed.
Frasier: Oh, come on, Dad, just one more game!
Martin: No! I can't keep my eyes open.
Martin goes to his room. Frasier goes over to the couch, and selects a cushion. He pats it softly, as if fluffing it. Then, he slaps it with the back of his hand. Before long, he's whaling on it with his fist, beating the stuffing out of it like a punching bag. Daphne comes in with a basket of laundry and sees him. Noticing her, he stops.
Daphne: Playing chess again, were you?
Frasier sinks onto the couch. Daphne takes a sock from the basket and slips it over her arm.
Daphne: You know, Dr. Crane, when one of my brothers would lose a soccer match, he'd be all blue and in the dumps. But I could get him to laugh. I'd make a little puppet like so. [moving the puppet's lips; deep, round voice] Hello, Daphne, What's shaking? [her voice] Oh, hello, Freddy. My friend Dr. Crane here forgot his happy pants! [Freddy] Oh, no! What should I do? [Daphne] Would you sing for him? [Freddy] I'd love to. [sticking the puppet close to Frasier's face; singing] Who's that grouchy gus I see? You can't be grouchy, not with me! Sing along, Doc! Who's that grouchy gus I see-
Frasier clamps her fingers together with his hand.
Frasier: Daphne, I would rather have a tarantula lay eggs in my ear than listen to any more of this puppet show. Do we understand each other?
He nods the puppet "yes," up and down.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Scene Six - Frasier's Apartment It's late at night. Frasier walks up to Martin's door in his dressing gown. He opens the door and peeks in. Martin is fast asleep, with Eddie sleeping beside him.
Frasier reaches in and flicks the lights on and off, then closes the door again. After waiting a few moments, he peeks in. Martin is still asleep.
Frasier: [whispering] Eddie! Speak! Speak, Eddie! Eddie is still asleep.
Frasier closes the door, gets a book of matches out of the hallway bureau, and tears one out. Chuckling deviously, he strikes the match and sets the rest of them on fire. Then he quickly blows them out, producing a puff of smoke, which he holds up to the smoke detector. Immediately, the fire alarm goes off, beeping loudly. Frasier dashes back into his room.
Martin rushes out of his room, carrying Eddie in one arm and pounding on doors with his cane.
Martin: Fire! Fire, everybody! Frasier! Daphne! Fire! Fire! Frasier rushes out of his room.
Frasier: What's going on?!
Martin: The fire alarm went off, but I don't see anything around here!
Daphne: [rushing in] It's not in my room, either!
Frasier: It's O.K.! [laughing] My fault, false alarm. I was just a little remiss in replacing the batteries, everything's fine.
[turns off alarm]
Daphne: The batteries? No, smoke alarms don't go off if-
Frasier: Back to bed!
Martin: See you in the morning.
Martin goes back to his room and climbs into bed. Frasier follows him.
Frasier: Dad, you know, seeing as how we're both up, I thought maybe we should, oh I dunno, do something, you know?
Martin: Like what?
Frasier: Well, uh, right off the top of my head, I... well, play a little chess?
Martin: Now?
Frasier: Well, sure! We're both wide awake.
Martin: Oh my God, you set that alarm off!
Frasier: Dad! I-I had no-
Martin: What kind of weird, competitive freak are you? I mean, you really hate to lose so much that you wake up the whole house and scare us all to death?
Frasier: No, of course not! And I wouldn't have to resort to such lengths if this damn dog could learn to speak! [Eddie barks] Oh, of course, now you'll get it right! Look, Dad, would one more game kill you? I mean, you're all riled up. My God, you'll never get to sleep now anyway!
Martin: Wait a minute. This isn't about losing, is it? This is about losing to me. That's what's driving you nuts! "How could I lose to the old man? I'm much smarter than he is!"
Frasier: I never said that!
Martin: No, you didn't have to say it, you've thought it all your life!
Frasier: No, I haven't!
Martin: Yes, you have, and now you're insulting my intelligence again!
Frasier: Oh, Dad!
Martin: Hey, now listen, what do you think I was doing as a detective all those years? Analyzing clues, devising strategies, trying to stay one or two steps ahead of the other guys - now, does that sound like any game that you know?
Frasier: All right, that explains why you can play the game, but not why you beat me every time! Now, come on, just one more game, please? Dad, look, I'll never bring it up again! Come on!
Martin: No. Why should I? You just want to beat me so that you can go back to thinking you're smarter than your stupid old man. Well, forget it, to hell with you. I don't see any reason why I should ever play you again.
Frasier: If you win, I'll give you five thousand dollars.
Martin: Get out of my way.
Martin gets out of bed, grabs his cane, and limps past Frasier. They come out into the living room.
Martin: Well, look at that, the board's all set up! What a surprise. They sit opposite each other.
Frasier: I took the liberty. Now, Dad, I think we can sit down and play a nice cordial little game. For centuries, people have set aside their differences to play a game of chess. So, who should go first?
Martin: Well, let's see. It's usually the person who lost the last game. Now, who could that be?
Frasier: OK. No more Mr. Cordial Guy!
He moves a pawn.
DISSOLVE TO Later: the game has advanced. Frasier lifts one of his pieces.
Martin: By the way, I'm sorry the ratings for your show took a dive last month.
Frasier: Don't try to pull your cheap psychological tricks on me.
He puts his piece down. Martin lifts one of his pieces.
Frasier: Oh, did I mention... the cemetery called? Apparently they have to dig a sewer next to your plot.
Martin puts his piece down.
DISSOLVE TO Even Later: The game is now in it's final stages. Eddie is perched on a chair, staring at Frasier.
Frasier: Getting your dog to stare at me only proves how desperate you are. [moves]
Martin: I didn't tell him to do that. He just gets fascinated when he sees people sweat. [moves]
Frasier: I sweat when I'm happy. [moves]
Martin: Well, then you must be ecstatic! [moves, then] No, wait!
Frasier: No, no, you took your finger off that piece!
Martin: No, I didn't!
Frasier: Yes, you did! That means that you must not trust that move, must have left yourself vulnerable somewhere.
Martin: Well, even if I did, you'll never find it.
Frasier: [lifting his piece] Oh, look at that... what's this? [puts it down] Could it be... checkmate? [laughing] I won, I won, I really won!
Martin: Hey, I didn't gloat when I beat you all those times!
Frasier: No, but, I bet you wish you did now, huh? Ha-ha, it feels great!
Martin: [getting up] All right, that's it. I'm going to bed. And I never want to hear the word "chess," or "board," or "chessboard" again! That's it, got it?
Frasier: Fine. Fine, Dad. Goodnight. Geez, lighten up! It's only a game!
Martin turns and stares at Frasier.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Scene Seven - Still Later that Night: Frasier pokes his head into Martin's room. The sliver of light from the door shines in Martin's face, waking him up.
Frasier: Dad? Dad?
Martin: Oh, jeez...
Frasier: No, no, please, just one question: did you let me win?
Martin: Oh, for crying out loud, Frasier...
Frasier: No, no, please, did you play your best?
Martin: For five thousand bucks? What do you think?
Frasier: You wouldn't just be saying that?
Martin: [sighs] On your mother's grave, may lightning strike me down, I, Martin Crane, swear on the holiest of Bibles, you won, I lost, fair and square, cross my heart and hope to go to sleep.
Frasier is finally satisfied.
Frasier: Thank you, Dad.
Martin: You're welcome.
Frasier closes the door. Martin starts to nod off again. Frasier cracks the door again and sticks his head back in.
Frasier: [guilty] I'm sorry I beat you, Dad.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Daphne and Martin are playing checkers at the dinner table. Daphne moves. Smiling, Martin moves. Daphne jumps all of his checkers and sweeps them off the board. They laugh, and Daphne does a little victory dance, then goes off to her room.
Martin goes over to the couch, mashes a pillow into his face, and howls. | Plan: A: Frasier; Q: Who has acquired a 19th-century Parisian chess set? A: l'École des Beaux-Arts; Q: Where did the student who designed the chess set study? A: Niles; Q: Who is in awe of the chess set? A: his father; Q: Who does Frasier ask to play chess with Niles? A: Martin; Q: Who wins the first chess match? A: a match; Q: What must Martin lose to win a rematch? A: Daphne; Q: Who suggests that Niles get a dog? A: companionship; Q: What does Daphne think Niles needs? A: a single command; Q: What does the dog Niles brings back from the pet shop refuse to heed? A: Maris; Q: What is the name of Niles's wife? Summary: Frasier has acquired a 19th-century Parisian chess set, designed by a student of l'École des Beaux-Arts . Niles is in awe, but Frasier cannot persuade him to play, so he asks his father. Martin professes not to know much about the game but wins conclusively. Frasier demands rematches, but cannot win until Martin deliberately loses a match. Meanwhile, Daphne suggests to Niles that if he needs companionship, he should get a dog. The animal he brings back from the pet shop is extremely thin, highly strung, and refuses to heed a single command, resembling descriptions of his unseen wife Maris. |
Michael: It is Friday morning and it is another beautiful day in Scranton, Pennsylvania. [sees man in a turban outside] Oh my God. Ohhh. [dials phone number] Pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up. Oh, we have a serious problem here. [goes out onto office floor] Alright everybody, lock the doors, turn off the lights. Pretend you're not here.
Jim: Are we in danger?
Michael: There's no time to think about if this is real. Just, shh, everybody. [knock at the front door]
Kevin: Michael, should I call the... [Michael waves his hands] What?
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: The IT tech guy and me did not get off to a great start.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: Yeah, I tried to install it myself, but, uh, you guys have these things so password-protected...
Sadiq (IT guy): That just means you have to enter your password.
Michael: Oh...
Sadiq (IT guy): What's your password, Michael?
Michael: Oh, umm... [looks at Post-It on computer]
Sadiq (IT guy): Oh, it's 1-2-3.
Michael: Yes.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Dwight: Mi-
Michael: AH! Guh-oood.
Dwight: Sorry.
Michael: Please don't do that.
Dwight: Ok, I'm sorry. What is going on in there? Why is he here? What are you doing?
Michael: I can't tell you.
Dwight: You have to tell me.
Michael: I don't have to tell you anything.
Dwight: Look, Michael, I know you don't want to have to think about this, but if something were to happen to you, God forbid, then I would need to know in order to take over.
Michael: Dwight, nothing is going to happen to me, ok? I'm in the best shape of my life. Look at this. [flexes his arms] Brrr! That's strong!
Dwight: Yeah, but that doesn't matter, you could get a brain aneurysm-
Michael: I'm not going get a brain-
Dwight: Or get hit by a car-
Michael: Stop it.
Dwight: Or a bus or a train. Get poisoned, fall in a well, step on a mine, choke.
Michael: Uh, oh, ok; if I step on a mine in Scranton, Pennsylvania, and die, you can have my job, ok? Why don't you just go... away?
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: There are certain things a boss does not share with his employees. His salary, that would depress them. His bed, it--- And I am not going to tell them that I'll be reading their e-mails.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: So how do you search?
Sadiq (IT guy): By keyword phrase.
Michael: Try "profits". No! Try "Michael Scott". "Michael" "boss" and "funny". [Sadiq (IT guy) types; result pops up] Oh my God, wow! [chuckles] E-mail from Stanley. Stanley, Terribly nice guy. [reads e-mail] "Sorry I didn't write back sooner; I can't go to the game tonight because my boss Michael is an ass and making me stay late." Well, Stanley's an ass. Not one of our harder workers.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Oscar: Hey, what's the deal, Michael? Why are you spying on our computers?
Michael: Oh, no, everybody; Oscar's gone crazy! What other ghost stories do you have for us? That I'm a robot? [robot voice] I will destroy everything in my path-
Oscar: Actually, it's just-
Michael: Beep! Bop!
Oscar: Ok...
Michael: Bommmm. Bop! Onk onk. [Tin Man voice] Oil can. Oil can.
Oscar: Tin Man. Actually we just a got a memo from IT saying you're doing e-mail surveillance.
Michael: Oh, what? No. That defeats the whole purpose.
Dwight: So it's true? You have access to our e-mails?
Michael: You know what the problem is?
Stanley: I think I do.
Michael: The problem is that when people hear the term "big brother", they immediately think it's scary or bad, but I don't. I think, wow, I love my big brother.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Kevin: I gotta erase a lotta stuff. A lot of stuff.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Dwight: Oh hey, just so ya know, if you have a lot of sensitive e-mails, they need to be deleted immediately.
Angela: I know.
Dwight: Good. [Pam overhears]
Pam: [whispers to Jim] Hey. Something just happened. Dwight just told Angela that she has to deleted all of her sensitive e-mails immediately.
Jim: What?
Pam: I know!
Jim: Hmm...
Pam: Do you think that they're like-
Jim: No.
Pam: No, right, no, no.
Jim: [humming]
Pam: Uhhh, ew, ew, ew... .Maybe?
[SCENE_BREAK]
Pam: It's like squishing a spider under a book. It's gonna be really gross but I have to look and make sure that it's really dead. Sooo... [to camera guys] If you guys see anything... ?
[SCENE_BREAK]
Pam: Hey, Dwight, um, my friend is kinda into these two girls that he works with.
Dwight: Nice.
Pam: One is tall and brunette, and the other one is short, and blonde, and perky, and kinda judgmental. Who do you think he should choose?
Dwight: Does he have access to their medical records?
Pam: Ummmm...
[SCENE_BREAK]
Dwight: I think one of the greatest things about modern America is the computerization of medical records. As a volunteer sheriff, I can look up anyone's psychiatric records or surgical histories. Yeast infections. There are a huge number of yeast infections in this county. Probably because we are down river from that old bread factory.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: Meredith has an E-vite from Jim. Barbeque at Jim's tonight. Tonight? Wonder where my e-vitation is. Click on guest list. Angela, Stanley, Oscar, Meredith, Phyllis, Kevin, Creed. Must be... .[scrolls down list] No.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Pam: Hey, Angela-
Angela: Hi.
Pam: How's it going?
Angela: It's ok.
Pam: Listen, are you bringing anyone to Jim's party tonight?
Angela: No. Are we supposed to?
Pam: No. I mean, I don't know, I don't think so.
Angela: Hmm... [Pam reaches towards vending machine] Excuse me.
Pam: Oh.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: There's always a distance between a boss and the employees. It is just nature's rule. It's intimidation mostly, it's the awareness that they are not me. I do think that I am very approachable, as one of the guys. But maybe I need to be even approachabler.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Kevin: That's pretty young.
Pam: Yeah.
Kevin: [to Michael] Are you gonna eat with us?
Michael: Of course. Hangin' with my crew, crew that I am one of. Hangin' with my Cup of Noodles. This is a meal in a cup.
Jim: Uh hum.
Michael: Hot, tasty. Reminds me of college. Lived on this stuff. Brain food. Mmmm... You know what I really, really miss about college? The parties. Everybody'd go. The athletes, the, the nerds, professors.
Pam: The professors would go to the parties?
Michael: Yeah! They were the most fun. We always invited them.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Jim: It's true. I'm having a party. I've got three cases of imported beer, a karaoke machine, and I didn't invite Michael. So three ingredients for a great party. And it's nothing personal, I just think that if he were there, people wouldn't be able to relax, and you know, have fun, and my roommate wants to meet everybody. Because I'm pretty sure he thinks that I'm making Dwight up. [sighs] He is very real.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Pam: [to cameraman] What? [looks at Dwight eating a Baby Ruth] Ohhhh... Yes! Thank you!
[SCENE_BREAK]
Dwight: Question[/b]: on the Internet there are several different options to get to your house for the party tonight-
Jim: Oh, uh, no. Could-
Dwight: I was wondering-
Jim: Could, keep that down.
Dwight: Why?
Jim: Because not everybody knows about the party.
Dwight: Like who? Who doesn't know?
Jim: Umm, Michael.
Dwight: Why just Michael?
Jim: Because it's a surprise.
Dwight: Is it?
Jim: Uh hmm.
Dwight: Oh, that's perfect!
Jim: So, don't tell.
Dwight: I won't.
Jim: Ok.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Jim: So, Dwight thinks that tonight is a surprise party for Michael.
Pam: Really? That's great.
Jim: I know.
Pam: Maybe we can get him to hide and wait somewhere.
Jim: [laughs] Oh man. Oh, you know what, speaking of which, I was just trying to get a handle on, you know, numbers for food and stuff. So do you think that Roy's gonna come, or...
Pam: Oh, no, he can't make it.
Jim: Oh, ok, cool.
Michael: Hey there.
Jim: Hey.
Michael: Almost quittin' time.
Jim: Yup, it's, uh, four o'clock.
Michael: One more hour. Take care of anything you forgot to do. Hey, you know, I don't know if you have any plans tonight, but if ya don't, we could hang out.
Jim: Oh, um... .I can't.
Michael: You have plans.
Jim: Uh hmm, definitely.
Michael: I do, too. I do, too.
Jim: You do?
Michael: I do, yeah. Big plans.
Jim: Because you said "do you wanna hang out"-
Michael: Tonight, I can't do it tonight, no. Improv class, I have improv class, hanging out with my improv buds-
Jim: Really?
Michael: Yeah.
Jim: Aw, that sounds like a lot of fun.
Michael: It's the best. It's the best. I would not miss it for the world. But if something else came up, I would definitely not go.
Jim: Improv sounds great.
Michael: It is. Ok.
Jim: Alright.
Michael: [someone coughs] What?
Jim: I think Stanley just coughed.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: Hey, Pam. Do you need me to walk to your vehicular transport?
Pam: No thanks.
Michael: Alright. Oscar, got big plans tonight with-
Oscar: I'm on a call.
Michael: Kevin, big man, big man, what are you doing tonight? Where are you off to?
Kevin: My brother is in town and we are going to see the Alaska Film Festival at the Scien-
Michael: Ok, alright.
Kevin: Oh.
Michael: Hey, Angela, rushy, rushy. Where you rushin' off to?
Angela: I'm just leaving for the day.
Michael: Yeah, well duh. Where ya headed?
Angela: Charity. Bake drive.
Michael: Liar!
Angela: No!
Michael: You are a liar.
Angela: No, I'm not.
Michael: Dwight, oh ho, Dwight, Dwight, my loyal compadre. You and I are hangin' tonight. The two of us. We are celebrating our freedom and our manhood. You know what? Why don't we watch that show that you've been wanting to watch, that stupid Battleship Galaxy.
Dwight: Battlestar Galatica.
Michael: That's, whatever stupid show you want-
Dwight: I can't-
Michael: To watch tonight
Dwight: Tonight.
Michael: We're watching it.
Dwight: Unfortunately, I've got plans. I have to go to practice. Soccer practice.
Michael: I didn't know you played soccer, Dwight.
Dwight: Clarinet.
Michael: You, too, Dwight?
Dwight: Have fun tonight! Whatever it is that you're doing, and I'll see you Monday. [to the camera] He has no idea!
[SCENE_BREAK]
Jim: Quick announcement everybody, if I could have everybody's attention. We do have wine in the kitchen, and, uh, there is beer available on the porch and despite what you might think, it's not all for Meredith and Kelly, so please enjoy.
Dwight: Jim! You really think this is a good idea, huh? A hide-a-key rock?
Mark: Hey, you must be Dwight!
Dwight: You don't work with us.
Jim: That's because Mark's my roommate.
Mark: Hey, I love the Birkenstocks.
Dwight: Thanks. Yeah, I always keep an extra set in the car, for special occasions. Jim, come here.
Jim: Uh hmm.
Dwight: When is the guest of honor coming?
Jim: Oh, uh, later-ish.
Dwight: He's gonna love it!
Jim: Great. [to a group of guests] Just wanna let you guys know that we will be taking the tour like I promised-
Pam: Hey.
Jim: Hey! Just in time! You wanna go on the group tour? We were just about to leave.
Pam: Definitely.
Jim: Well, the group tour is now leaving, then. Ladies and gentlemen, just a few things that we are gonna be pointing out to you today, you will be able to see both bedrooms and, uh, if we're lucky, maybe get a chance to peek into the bathroom, who knows. I have to remind you that flash photography is prohibited and as much as you can, please refrain from touching things. I know you might want to.
Ryan: Hey, is Katy coming?
Jim: Uh, actually, I haven't talked to her in a while.
Ryan: Huh, is it ok if I call her?
Jim: We can talk about that later.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Improv Teacher: Ok, let's get right into it. I need two people for the first scene.
Michael: [In Horshack voice from 'Welcome Back, Kotter'] Ooo Ooo Ooo Ooo, Mr. Cart-air, Mr. Cart-air.
Improv Teacher: Ok, Michael. And... anybody? How about Mary-Beth? Come on. Ok, so you start us off Mary-Beth.
Mary-Beth: Great. [skips] La la la la la laaa...
Michael: [fake kicks in door] Boom! Detective Michael Scarn. I'm with the FBI.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: Think about this; what is the most exciting thing that can happen, on TV, or in movies, or in real life? Somebody has a gun. [gasps] That's why I always start with a gun, because you can't top it, you just can't.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Girl acting Pregnant: I'm supposed to meet my doctor here? Have ya seen him? He's a very angry midget.
Michael: Boom! Freeze! Michael Scoon, FBI. You know what you did. Boom! Boom! Boom! [shoots at Pregnant Girl and another actor] Yeah, you thought that you could get away with your little ruse, didn't you? Didn't ya!? Well, you didn't, because I know where ya hid the diamonds. I been on to you and your little friends for weeks. [another actor steps in] Boom! Boom! Boom!
Actor: I'm not even in the scene!
Actress: Again!?
Michael: Boom! Boom!
Improv Teacher: Stop, stop, ok, stop.
Michael: Boom! Boom!
Improv Teacher: You shot me, great. Now stop.
Michael: Why
Improv Teacher: You can't just shoot everyone in the scene.
Michael: Well, if you hadn't stopped the scene, you would have seen where it was going.
Improv Teacher: Ok, what about the scene they set up?
Michael: Boring.
Improv Teacher: No, it wasn't. No more guns.
Michael: I could of-
Improv Teacher: No. No. Michael, I want you to give me all the guns you have.
Michael: Ok.
Improv Teacher: Just, I want you to get rid of all your guns and give them to me. Great.
Michael: Yehhhehh.
Improv Teacher: Yeeehh, ok.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Pam: Jim's bedroom.
Jim: See, I knew we lost somebody on the tour. It's-
Pam: Cool... This is your desk.
Jim: This is my desk.
Pam: Your home office?
Jim: My home office, this is it.
Pam: Down. You have to sit down so I can get the full effect.
Jim: Ok, sure. Will do.
Pam: Ok, wait, so that would make me [walks to side of room] like right here.
Jim: Yeah, that... Yep, that feels about right.
Pam: And Dwight would be like-
Jim: You know what? Let's just leave that image out of it, because this is a happy place. Happy thoughts, Pam. Happy thoughts.
Pam: Umm, [gasps] yearbook!
Jim: Yeah, you don't have to, ummm. Alright, yes, that's not gonna be awkward at all.
Pam: [finds Jim's picture] Ooooohhh no!
Jim: Oh yeah.
Pam: You were so dorky!
Jim: Thank you.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Improv Teacher: Freeze!
Michael: I'm in.
Improv Teacher: You wanna go over the rules one more time?
Michael: No, no, no. I'm looking in my wallet for money so you can tell me my fortune.
Bill: I promise it's worthit . Ooo, I can see you walking out of here and you're thrilled with your reading.
Michael: What are you... [whispers to Bill]
Improv Teacher: Michael, what did you tell him?
Michael: Nothing.
Improv Teacher: Then why are his hands up? Bill?
Bill: He told me he couldn't show it to me, but he has a gun.
Improv Teacher: Ok, let's call it a day. Nice job, Bill.
Michael: Good, it's good. Good work, everybody.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Jim: Angela, burger? Dog? Havin' fun?
Angela: I got sap on me.
Jim: Chicken, hot dog, burger.
Angela: I'm a vegetarian.
Jim: There is soda inside.
Angela: Guh.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Stanley: I didn't think the premium laser color copy batch would sell as well as it did.
Oscar: Yeah, it surprised us all. I'll tell you why. Because when they---
Kelly: I'm sorry guys; can we please not talk about paper? There's gotta be something else we can talk about.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Angela: I think it's alright. Jesus drank wine. [Pam overhears]
Pam: Hey Phyllis, come here for a second.
Phyllis: Sure.
Pam: Have you heard anything about any secret office romances?
Phyllis: You tell me. Well, you do mean you and Jim right? Oh God. I am so sorry, I thought, you guys hang out all the time and you're talking all the time. I'm sorry!
Pam: That's ok. It's ok.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Kevin: [smacks Ryan's hand] Not so fast... Fire Guy.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Mary-Beth: How do I get to Bernie's Tavern from here?
Bill: Oh, don't worry. We're all gonna carpool.
Michael: So Bernie's, huh? We're all going to Bernie's? [to camera] Go to Bernie's?
Bill: Oh sorry, we're not going as a group, it's just a private friend who just happens to know all of us from different ways is throwing a private birthday thing.
Michael: Right, right, right. Well guys, I'd love to go to Bernie's with you, but, you know, I have an office party. A big office party I need to go to, so... Can't get out of it.
Bill: Ok.
Michael: Ok, see you later. Nice job, Bill. Not.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Phyllis: [singing] Here I go again on my own. Going down the only road I've ever known...
Jim: Oh by the way how's your side project going?
Pam: Oh, yeah I gave that up.
Jim: Really?
Pam: Yeah, it turns out I was, um, just grasping at straws.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Pam: Just because two people are hanging out, it doesn't mean that they're together, you know? Like people can just be friends. And I think that it was really unfair to think that there was anything else going on.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Kevin: [singing] Just turn around now, cause you're not welcome anymore.
Dwight: Surprise! [laughs] Everybody!
Phyllis: Dwight...
Michael: Wow! Who opened the morgue for this thing? I'm just driving by, thought I'd drop in. [to Jim] There's some wine. I would love a glass, if you're gonna open it. Here ya go Temp, take my jacket! [sees Sadiq (IT guy)] Oh, come on! That guy? He is a good guy, not a terrorist. Karaoke, I love it! I am a karaoke fiend. I call dibs. I got next, I got next up. Come on, let's get this party started, ha! Ok? Where's that wine?
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: Ok, yeah, this is a duet, so, need somebody else, Pam? You wanna come up and sing this one? Need somebody else. Takers, please. [singing] Baby when I met you there was peace unknown. Kelly? Tried to get you with a fine tooth comb. I was soft inside, there was something goin' on. This part goes to the, uh, girl. You do something to me that I can't explain. Hold me closer and I feel no pain. In every beat of my heart, we got something goin' on. Tender love is blind---
Michael and Jim: [singing] It requires a dedication, all this love we feel needs no conversation. Divided, together, uh huh. Making love with each other, uh huh.
Michael: We're making love!
Michael and Jim: [singing] Islands in the stream, that is what we are, no one in between, how can we be wrong? Sail away with me...
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: Talk! Just talk!
Mary-Beth: I am-
Michael: Shut up!
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: Funny story[/b]: the way that I got into improv was, I got into improv. The story about me getting into improv was that I was walking down the street, and a race car pulls up, and the guy says "Hey you're funny, you're the funniest guy I've ever seen, or my name is not Dale Earnhardt." [giggles] And that was an improv. Um, the real way is that I found a flyer. | Plan: A: Jim; Q: Who is hosting a party at his home? A: Michael; Q: Who is not invited to Jim's party? A: his employees' emails; Q: What does Michael spy on to learn about Jim's party? A: Pam; Q: Who suspects that Dwight and Angela Martin are in a relationship? A: Angela Martin; Q: Who is Dwight's accountant? A: odd interactions; Q: What does Pam notice about Dwight and Angela Martin? A: the idea; Q: What does Pam dismiss when she compares it to her friendship with Jim? A: an improvisational comedy class; Q: What is Michael unable to distract himself with? Summary: Jim is hosting a party at his home, but has not invited Michael, who learns of this when he begins spying on his employees' emails. Pam begins to notice Dwight and accountant Angela Martin engaging in odd interactions, and suspects that they are in a relationship, but dismisses the idea after comparing it to her friendship with Jim. Meanwhile, unable to distract himself with an improvisational comedy class, Michael crashes Jim's party. |
Opening credits and series recap.
JACK : (VO) Torchwood : Outside the government, beyond the police. Tracking down alien life on earth and arming the human race against the future. The 21st century is when everthing changes, and you gotta be ready.
EXT. WOODS - NIGHT -1812.
The woods are dark and foggy. A pretty blonde woman enters shot and looks behind her towards a young soldier.
MARY : Nearly there, we've been right busy since you lot were billeted here. This your first time ? The others been teasing you, that it ? My name's Mary. Mary starts to undo the man's jacket button.
Mary : Mary, like the virgin. The soldier slaps her hard across the face.
MARY : Religious man are ya ? The soldier slaps her again and she smiles at him incredulously and wipes her mouth. Moving closer she puts her hand over his cheek.
MARY : I'm not your bloody hound ! She scratches his face and runs into the trees. The soldier chases her.
SOLDIER : Whore ! Mary carries on running deeper into the trees. A shrill sound makes her cover her ears. She sees a light among the trees. She pauses, looks behind her then runs towards the light. The soldier is still running after her and he sees the light and stops to stare for a second. The soldier slowly draws his pistol and hears the same shrill noise - like a steam horn. The lights go out with a rush of wind. The soldier grits his teeth and walks quickly in the direction of Mary, pistol held out in front of him. He sees Mary who stands a short distance away, she turns as he lowers the pistol and walks towards her.
SOLDIER : Do whores have prayers ? He stops, raises the gun and shoots her calmly. Mary smiles.
EXT. A BUILDING SITE - DAY - PRESENT
The Torchwood SUV travels down a dusty track then stops between police cars. Owen exits the passenger door then goes to the boot to collect equipment. Gwen exits the rear of the car and walks to the front of the SUV to wait. Jack is using his wrist cuff to scan then walks away, followed by Gwen and Toshiko. They turn off the path and walk into a red tent. Shot continues tracking past them along the path. Mary stands on the edge of the police cordon. She wears modern clothes and has a modern haircut but is otherwise unchanged. She watches the proceedings with interest.
OPENING CREDITS
EXT. A BUILDING SITE - DAY - CONTINUOUS
An aged skeleton lies in a shallow hole hidden by the tent. Jack crouches near while Owen is in the hole examining the skeleton.
JACK : Once, just once I'd like to walk into one of these tents and find it's a party, you know with food and drink, people dancing, a girl crying in the corner. Gwen stands near to Jack who continues scanning an alien device which sits near the body. It is a metal object, like a large pair of pincers.
GWEN : Is it alien ?
JACK : And how ! I'm picking up traces of illmanite peroxine, even dark matter. Toshiko crouches to take a look.
GWEN : Any idea what it is ?
JACK : Not a clue, could be a weapon or a really big stapler. How's our friend doing there ? Jack turns his attention to Owen who is analysing the skeleton.
OWEN : She's dead !
JACK : Yeah, thanks Quincy. She ?
OWEN : Judging by the size of her skull.
JACK : How long have they been here Tosh ?
TOSHIKO : From the depth they found them, a 196 years, eleven to eleven and half months. The earth's been disturbed so I'm afraid I can't be more accurate.
GWEN : What killed her, the stapler ?
OWEN : Nah, see those shattered ribs ? I reckon she was shot. The skeleton has a large hole in the centre of the rib cage.
JACK : Well let's get her back to the hub and find out. He gets up and leaves the tent. Owen starts to climb the short ladder out of the hole and Gwen helps him up.
GWEN : Need a hand ? Ooo you so ligh t! You're like a girl.
OWEN : I'm not light. I'm wiry, fat girls go mad for it. But I guess I don't need to tell you that. Owen smiles at Gwen and leaves. Gwen turns smiling to Toshiko. Her smile fades as she looks at Toshiko who looks unhappy but smiles tightly then continues scanning with a tool which looks like a sonic screwdriver.
INT. THE HUB - TOSHISKO'S WORK STATION - DAY
Gwen and Owen are under the desk, a football lies on Toshiko's keyboard. As Toshiko enters they stand up and move away, Owen holding the football.
OWEN : Err... I'm really sorry but I think your computer might be dead.
TOSHIKO : You're kidding ! What happened ?
OWEN : Ok, so she said I was no good at sport. Owen points at Gwen, speaking obliviously to Toshiko's panic.
OWEN : Hello ! So I said, well throw something to me and I'll... Toshiko cuts him off sharply.
TOSHIKO : What happened to the computer !
OWEN : Oh I, kicked out the plug.
TOSHIKO : What ! It was running a translation program I'd written. Translated every scrap of alien language we've got and broken it down into binary threads to see if there was common derivation. Toshiko is upset, trying to explain her concerns to people who couldn't careless. Owen looks at Gwen.
OWEN : That's a bit of a mouthful. Gwen laughs, but her smile quickly fades when she sees Toshiko's expression.
GWEN : Sorry private joke. Stupid joke !
TOSHIKO : We're supposed to be professionals ! We've got a job to do.
GWEN : She's right... You're right Tosh, I'm sorry.
OWEN : Do you know what, Tosh ? Sometimes I think that even that stick up your arse has a stick up its arse ! Owen walks away, bouncing the football. Gwen, bothered by Toshiko's lack of humour and being shouted at, begins working at her computer.
INT. A BAR - EARLY EVENING
Toshiko sits at the bar drinking, mulling over her bad day and wondering about the situation between Owen and Gwen. A little jealous. Mary walks over to her.
MARY : So the guy over there has been staring at me all evening and I've told him he's wasting his time but he won't listen. So I come over to talk to you because I know how this ends. He gets a punch in the neck and I get barred, and I've already been barred from about 20 pubs and I don't want to get barred from this one because they do these nice olives on the tables.
TOSHIKO : Oh... Right. Ok then.
MARY : Cool, let me get you a drink.
TOSHIKO : Really there is no need.
MARY : (To bartender) JD 'n coke, and Toshiko what do you want ?
TOSHIKO : I didn't tell you my name
MARY : Oh yeah, that was the other thing. I kind of know who you are.
TOSHIKO : I think you're mistaking...
MARY : Toshiko Sato, born in London 1975, moved to Osaka when you were 2, back to the UK, 1986. Parents were in the RAF. Grandfather worked at Bletchley Park, very impressive ! University ... blah blah. Snapped up to government science think tank when you were 20, recruited to Torchwood 3 years ago. I saw you at the building site this morning. What was that you had in the case ?
TOSHIKO : How do you know about Torchwood ? Mary lights a cigarette, comfortable and chatting happily. She knows Toshiko won't tell her to go away.
MARY : Oh, there's stuff on the internet but you have to dig really deep, plus we pick up bits and pieces from police work, radio scanners...
TOSHIKO : We ?
MARY : Scavengers. Collectors. Just like you. Mary sits down with her drink.
TOSHIKO : How many of them are you ?
MARY : Mmm... Listen, don't think it's in any way organised. It's really just a disparate bunch of IT guys who live with their mothers.
TOSHIKO : I shouldn't talk to you.
MARY : So go... Toshiko makes no move to leave. A little later on, still in the pub with Mary. They now sit at a table in the centre of the room. Toshiko is tipsy, talking earnestly about Torwood to Mary.
TOSHIKO : What's most amazing are the similarities with our own culture but that can be horrible because we find lots of weapons and it just makes you think, my god everything wages war. It's not just a trait of ours but a trait of existence. It makes you feel so hopeless, but then there are times... We found this thing, it was about A4 size and had all these symbols on it, and it took me about three months to translate. It was a letter someone had written to his family, to his children, to say how much he was missing them and it just made me cry because even across these unimaginable distances there are fundamentals that stay exactly the same and there's no one to talk to about this. I mean the guys at work they're great but they don't see it the way I do. Toshiko pauses to drink her wine.
TOSHIKO : I could be fired just for telling you that. Mary takes a box from her bag and places it on the table.
MARY : I want to show you something. She takes a pendant from the box.
TOSHIKO : It's a pendant.
MARY : Put it on. Toshiko does so and suddenly she can hear peoples thoughts, words jumble at first and she has to breathe shallowly for a second because of the shock. The following are thoughts :
MAN 1 : I'll just have one more and drive slow...
WOMAN 1 : Does coffee count as food if it's got sugar in it...
WOMAN 2 : If he touches his groin one more time I'm gonna smack him in the face...
MAN 2 : I should of said I was hammered when she asked me what the time was earlier, that would have made 'em all laugh.
TOSHIKO : (To Mary) What are they ? I can hear voices.
MAN 3 : Bloody sudoku, so bloody smart.
MAN 4 : Did I send that email ? Did I click the reply to all ?
MARY : They're people's thoughts...
WOMAN 3 : He doesn't touch me anymore.
TOSHIKO : What ?
MARY : They're people's thoughts Toshiko...
WOMAN 3 : I wish I'd shagged that single dad I met at the parents' evening.
MAN 5 : What's that Asian girl doing ? Is she having a fit or something ?
TOSHIKO : It's... They're so loud.
MAN 5 : She's cute though. Is that her girlfriend, Marcus Rowe reckons he's done it with two lesbians, lucky sod. How'd it work ?
TOSHIKO : That man over there, with... I can hear him...
MAN 5 : I mean does one of them sit on the side or something ?
MARY : Ok Toshiko I need you to focus.
MAN 6 : No way, I ain't showin' that to me doctor.
MARY : Home in on my voice, shut everything else out. Toshiko shuts her eyes in concentration.
MARY : Just me, there is no one else but me. Can you hear me ? Toshiko nods, Mary stops talking aloud and uses her thoughts to talk to her.
MARY : Can you hear me now ? Ok I want you to home in on just my thoughts. Ignore everything else.
TOSHIKO : There's just so much...
MARY : You can do it. It takes practise but this is what you have to learn, now what am I thinking ?
TOSHIKO : This is so hard.
MARY : Follow my voice. What am I thinking ?
TOSHIKO : You're thinking that...
MARY : That I want to kiss you. Toshiko opens her eyes, snatches the pendant from her neck and breathes deeply.
MARY : I'm sorry, sometimes you can't control.
TOSHIKO : I know. It's fine. Where did you get it ?
MARY : It's, been in the family for a long time.
TOSHIKO : I've never seen anything like it. It's incredible !
MARY : It's more than incredible. With this you can read people's minds, it levels the pitch between man and God.
TOSHIKO : Is it alien ?
MARY : I guess. Toshiko gives it back to her, but Mary stops her.
MARY : No, I want you to keep it.
TOSHIKO : I can't Mary.
MARY : Please. I've kept it too long. After awhile it gets... You hear too much. It changes how you see people.
TOSHIKO : I'll have to show it to the others. Mary laughs very lightly.
TOSHIKO : What ?
MARY : Nothing.
MARY : Just I bet you won't.
TOSHIKO : And you know this from finding my CV on the internet ?
MARY : No. Because I know the pendant.
TOSHIKO : Well you're wrong, because I will...
MARY : Yeah. But you won't.
INT. THE HUB - NEXT DAY
Toshiko enters reception. She presses the button and while the door to the hub opens she takes the pendant from her bag. Ianto walks over and Toshiko hides the pendant behind her back.
IANTO : Good morning.
TOSHIKO : Yeah, hi Ianto. Ianto goes into his office behind the counter and Toshiko puts the pendant on. She enters the central hub, Gwen is at her desk, Owen walks from the autopsy room.
OWEN : (Thoughts) What the hell would produce such a perfect circular puncture ? Maybe some sort of wooden stake...
OWEN : Hi Tosh.
OWEN : (Thoughts) She better not go into one about the computer again.
GWEN : Morning.
GWEN : (thoughts) Sergeant giving it all, ooh, Gweny's dined call her old mates, should put a weevil in his bathroom.
TOSHIKO : I've got something to show you.
OWEN : Sure.
OWEN : (thoughts) please don't make us sit through another slideshow about the Incas or whatever it was. I want a biscuit.
GWEN : Have I got time for a pee first ?
GWEN : (thoughts) Oh sweetheart the jeans & boots thing has really kinda had its day.
TOSHIKO : I err... I found this thing.
OWEN : (thought) what's she talking about. She can be dead weird. I wonder what she'd be like in bed, Catholic, be grateful I bet.
TOSHIKO : Ok I don't know whether this comes under actual technology...
GWEN : (thought) That's Owen I can smell him on me after that shag in his car this morning. That's twice now, does that make this an arrangement or it has to be more than two times surely, as long as we keep it to just the two times we're fine. What's Tosh looking at ?
GWEN : You okay Tosh ?
OWEN : (thought) She did that thing where she ran her tongue across my teeth. I should've worn different trousers, I'm gonna have to sit down 'til this subsides a bit.
TOSHIKO : Yeah, no fine.
GWEN : So, what is it you want to show us ?
GWEN : (thoughts) I wonder if I could get Owen to come down to the volt. No I couldn't have s*x in front of a weevil. Couldn't even do it in front of Trent Kendle's cat.
TOSHIKO : Forget it... It... I found this article, I'll bring it in tomorrow. Toshiko cannot tell them about the pendant. She can no longer think straight having found out for certain about Gwen and Owen.
OWEN : No worries.
OWEN : (thought) Well thanks for that rambling trip to nowhere Tosh. Later Toshiko sits at her desk, thinking. Ianto enters, tidying cups.
IANTO : (thoughts) Can't imagine the time when this isn't everything. Pain so constant but my stomach's full of rats. Feels like this is all I am now. There isn't an inch of me that doesn't hurt.
IANTO : I'm about to brew some of Jack's industrial strength coffee, would you like a cup ?
TOSHIKO : I'm, fine. Thanks Ianto... Toshiko realises how much pain Ianto is still in, how well he hides it, and she speaks quietly to him. She takes the pendant off.
EXT. STREET OUTSIDE TOSHIKO'S HOUSE - EVENING
Mary is sitting on the wall opposite her house, waiting for Toshiko to get home.
TOSHIKO : Might've known you'd have my address as well.
MARY : Did you tell them ?
TOSHIKO : No. I didn't ! She walks across the road and enters her house, leaving the door open. Mary follows.
INT. TOSHIKO'S KITCHEN
Toshiko storms around angrily and give Mary a dirty look when she enters, shutting the door behind her.
MARY : What made you change your mind ? You listened to them didn't you ? See I told you, isn't it incredible ? Some of the stuff you hear. Toshiko gets the pendant out of her bag.
TOSHIKO : What is this thing ? She throws the pendant on the table.
TOSHIKO : Why did you give it to me ?
MARY : I told you...
TOSHIKO : The things I heard. What they thought of me ! They really... Oh these are the people that are supposed to like me !
MARY : They do like you! People are complicated. They... Ok I should have warned you about this, it isn't like reading someone's diary. Toshiko goes to the fridge and as she shuts the door Mary sees photographs - Tosh and Owen, some friends.
MARY : The stuff you've been hearing is so deep, so personal. Stuff they're not even aware they're thinking.
TOSHIKO : You think you know someone and then suddenly you see them for real, and they're b*st*rd little kids ! Toshiko is mainly upset about Owen rather than anything else.
MARY : Not everything, not everyone. Mary takes her jacket off and picks up the pendant. She puts the pendant back on Toshiko once on she holds Toshiko's face, standing close to her.
TOSHIKO : I wouldn't say your thoughts were exactly pure.
MARY : At least they're consistent. Mary takes a step back, Toshiko looks down, upset and confused.
MARY : No agenda, no resentment.
TOSHIKO : They pity me... You don't pity me.
MARY : Why would I ?
TOSHIKO : What you're thinking now... That's pretty graphic.
MARY : That wasn't my thought.
TOSHIKO : What ?
MARY : I wasn't thinking anything. That wasn't my thought, must've been yours.
TOSHIKO : That one, there, that's yours.
MARY : Yeah... That was mine.
TOSHIKO : I... Umm I certainly seem to be enjoying myself.
MARY : You would. You will. Toshiko kisses her passionately.
INT. TOSHIKO'S BEDROOM
The room is modern, tidy and chic. Toshiko is in bed knees up to her chest, hugging the sheets to her, wondering why she just slept with Mary - out of character for her. Mary enters wearing a robe and leans on the doorway smoking and holding a glass and an eggcup.
MARY : You have no ash trays, not in your whole house. Not one.
TOSHIKO : What are you using ?
MARY : I think it's an egg cup. Mary sits on the bed next to her, Toshiko sits up and turns her back to her.
MARY : You ok ? Freaking out a little ? Mary, unconcerned, looks through the things on Toshiko's bedside cabinet. Picks up a card.
MARY : Your birthday is July right ?
TOSHIKO : You're the expert...
MARY : Isn't it a little late to have your cards up... She reads from the card in her hand.
MARY : Lots of love Owen. I'm guessing that's Owen from work. Owen from the building site yesterday morning. Owen from the photo on your fridge.
TOSHIKO: Put that down !
MARY : All I'm saying is that I don't want to get in the way of anything.
TOSHIKO : There's nothing to get in the way of. Gets up and storms into her walk-in wardrobe.
MARY : I see. You wanna talk about it ?
TOSHIKO : Not really.
MARY : It's ok. Wouldn't be the first time I'd been a rebound shag. Toshiko comes back into the room, fastening a robe around her.
TOSHIKO : You weren't. Ok. Nothings happened. Nothing will ever happen. One of the delightful things I've found out, thanks to this bloody pendant. She throws the pendant at Mary and it lands on the floor at the far side of the room. Mary goes to pick it up and she brings it back over to Toshiko who is now lying on the bed, foetal position facing away from Mary. Mary lies down behind her speaking into her ear and dangling the pendant in front of her.
MARY : It's not all bad. Some of the things it can do are extraordinary.
TOSHIKO : What good could ever come of that ?
MARY : You need to work that out for yourself. INTERCUT WITH :
EXT. A BUSY CARDIFF STREET
Toshiko stands looking around uncertain.
MARY : (VO) You need to go somewhere public, somewhere crowded.
TOSHIKO : What am I looking for ?
MARY : It will find you... Toshiko sits up and turns to face Mary.
TOSHIKO : I'm sick of these riddles. What's going on. Where did you get this ?
MARY : I told you.
TOSHIKO : Who are you Mary ? Is that even your real name ?
MARY : Ok, here's another name. Philoctetes. I'm Philoctetes. Toshiko standing in the Cardiff street puts on the pendant slowly. She is immediately assaulted by hundreds of thoughts which slowly start to separate.
WOMAN 4 : ...Sasha wants a latte...
WOMAN 5 : I could bandage my hand since I shut it in car door. That would explain why the signatures don't match.
MAN 6 : That gives me an hour before Lisa gets back to dress up. Got to be careful she's starting to notice her tights are getting baggy round the crotch.
WOMAN 7 : All big eyed and giggly and I'm sat there with my boobs like something out of the national geographic.
WOMAN 8 : 6 cigarettes today and all them post coital, glorious.
MAN 7 : Ahh, Mr. Bond I've been expecting you. Toshiko laughs at the man's thought then sees another person - a woman who notices her looking.
WOMAN 9 : Some people should actually be prohibited from wearing a thong. What's that girl looking at ? A thought attracts her attention from the others and she sees a man carying a long bag.
NEIL : I'm gonna kill them. I'm gonna kill them. I'm gonna kill them. I'm gonna kill them. Lay their bodies out afterwards and I'll lie next to them. So I'll have to do myself lying down. Should've practised that. A woman walks into Tosh.
TOSHIKO : (thought) Sorry. Toshiko loses the man for a minute then finds him again and begins to follow.
NEIL : Lawrence comes in and finds this he'll know that what I've been doing is right and what he's been doing is trespassing. I won't miss anything, I won't miss this city, I won't miss this body. I won't miss anything.
INT. A HOUSE - CONSECUTIVE
Neil arrives at the door. A boy on his game boy opens the door and wanders off again.
NEIL : Alright Danny ?
CAROL : I want him back at 6 and I mean 6 this time. Kelly's given me 90 minutes after hours at the tanning salon as a wedding present. Besides, you're breaking the law bringing him home late. My dad reckons I could have you arrested, so think on. Danny enters.
CAROL : Hey put your shoes on and go to the toilet. What's that face ?
DANNY : I don't wanna go.
CAROL : Well you have to. Lawrence'll be here in a minute and we'll be looking at napkins.
DANNY : It's borin'.
CAROL: Take your space invaders. Lawrence bought him that, haven't heard a peep out of him now. Mind that's Lawrence all over, dead thoughtful. Oh and no Cola, don't want him coming home all excited. Neil puts the bag down on the hallway floor.
CAROL : I thought you'd stop going fishing ? Neil pulls out a shotgun.
CAROL : Oh my God, what do you think you're doing ? Grabs her son and hugs him to her.
NEIL : I was thinking of the Isle of Wight. You remember we had that chalet around when Danny was walking and the chalet was full of spiders and you called me your hero because I wasn't scared. I'd just pick 'em up and throw them out.
CAROL : Oh my god Neil. You're scaring me !
NEIL : It was this perfect little memory, we were happy together, because we were together and all this nonsense with Lawrence it's fine. I forgive you because I'm looking at the bigger picture now. Neil loads the shotgun and starts to pull it up to aim.
CAROL : Oh my god, oh my god. No no please don't !
NEIL : It's ok, it's just like falling asleep, really.
CAROL : No don't, don't do this to Danny please !
NEIL : Then we will be together forever. Neil collapses on the floor. As he falls Toshiko stands behind him brandishing a golf club.
TOSHIKO : It's ok. You're ok now.
INT. THE HUB - AUTOPSY ROOM - DAY
Owen is by the bed with the skeleton on it. Gwen and Jack are on the balcony. Owen is throwing things at Gwen because she is singing.
OWEN : Stop singing !
GWEN : The leg bone's connected to the hip bone...
OWEN : Please stop singing. Anything to stop you singing. Jack laughs.
OWEN : I dunno what you're laughing at ! Owen throws things at him.
OWEN : Stop singing. Please don't sing, please don't sing. Not listening, lalala. Right, okay. Owen throws things at Toshiko as she enters the room.
TOSHIKO : What's going on ?
GWEN : You know the skeleton we found at the building site. Well, Amanda Burton here has just completed the post mortem.
OWEN : Ok I can explain...
GWEN : As you may remember at the building site, Owen said this was a woman killed by a single gunshot.
OWEN : Yeah ok I'd been there like a minute.
GWEN : Since then he has had to tweak some of his initial conclusions. The first being that this isn't in fact a woman but a man.
OWEN : A young man. A very girly man.
GWEN : But still, ultimately, a man. Then there was the cause of death, Owen said GSW, uh uh, the correct answer was...
OWEN : Unidentified trauma but...
TOSHIKO : Unidentified trauma ?
GWEN : Umm. You see it in RTA's when something like a steering column or a post goes into a body at great velocity. But the one thing that could be ruled out was...
OWEN : Gunshot wound... Taps the balcony bar.
GWEN : Gunshot wound ! Was there in fact any part of your prognosis that was right ?
OWEN : I got that it was a... skeleton.
GWEN : Yes you did ! Puts on finger on her nose and points the other at him Jack laughs and walks away with his mobile phone to make a call.
GWEN : Yes you did ! Where did you train ? Where did you train ? Did you train...
OWEN : Look...
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. JACK'S OFFICE
Jack he wanders into his office Followed by Tosh. He dials a number on his mobile and wanders round while it rings.
TOSHIKO : Jack... umm... So you know anything about Greek mythology ?
JACK : (Into phone) Security Visa, 45895 Harkness. Jack sits behind his desk then speaks to Toshiko.
JACK : A little, why ?
TOSHIKO : You ever heard of Philoctetes ? It came up in a pub quiz.
JACK : You went to a pub quiz ?
TOSHIKO : Yeah. No I love pub quizzes, down at the Prince of ... Tights. Jack looks at her, not believing her but not questioning her reasons.
JACK : Philoctetes was an archer recruited to fight in the Trojan War, he got in an argument and was marooned on the island of Limnos for about ten years.
TOSHIKO : Just left there ? Jack doesn't answer and Toshiko begins to wander out. Jack calls after her before she reaches the door.
JACK : Hey what's happening with that list for UNIT ?
TOSHIKO : Hmm...Oh yeah I'm still working on it.
JACK : Right well you know... when you're ready. Toshiko pauses looking at Jack, wanting to talk but then walks away.
JACK : (on phone) Prime minister, is this a secure line ? Can you tell me why Torchwood operations have become part of your security briefings to the leader of the opposition ? The deal is...
INT. A CAFÉ IN CARDIFF
MARY : This is incredible This is the most incredible thing I ever heard! They should make an action figure of you !
TOSHIKO : You were right about the pendant. I see it now. It can be used for good.
MARY : What did they say at work ? How did you explain it.
TOSHIKO : I didn't tell them.
MARY : I think that's wise. I'm sorry but I'm going to have to kiss you now.
TOSHIKO : Mary, no...
MARY : Listen. You do something unbelievably brave and sexy, I have to kiss you. I don't make the rules.
Mary leans over the table and they kiss. Toshiko pulls away after a short time, self consciously.
MARY : So what's happening with the thing you found on the building site ?
TOSHIKO : Dunno my boss is dealing with that.
MARY : I thought you did all the technological stuff.
TOSHIKO : I do. But sometimes our jobs overlap a bit. I'm doing... there's an admin thing he has asked me to do.
MARY : Don't you have a secretary for that ?
TOSHIKO : It's actually quite complicated.
MARY : So what's he found out ?
TOSHIKO : I dunno. He's not said anything.
MARY : Hmm... That's kind of strange.
TOSHIKO : No, it isn't, it's fine...
MARY : No, sure. I mean if he's keeping stuff from you there is bound to be a reason. Toshiko drinks her coffee thoughtfully, Mary's seeds of doubt taking hold.
INT. THE HUB - AUTOPSY ROOM
Owen is analysing the skeleton. Toshiko walks in carrying some coffee.
TOSHIKO : Not still worrying about that are you ?
OWEN : Ok so I'm thinking if it isn't a gun shot or a musket shot or whatever they had then, maybe it was some kind of ritual. Toshiko hands him a coffee
OWEN : You are gorgeous ! Toshiko smiles clinging to the comment. Owen continues talking regardless.
OWEN : So I started looking into devil worship and stuff from that era to see if there is anything about plucking out hearts, and would you believe it, there's nothing. They ate eyeballs, they drank blood, they had s*x with animals but they did not pluck out each others hearts 'cause obviously that would have been a bit weird. Toshiko laughs a little at his joke.
TOSHIKO : Why are you so bothered ? Whoever did this is hardly a threat to society anymore.
OWEN : Yeah I know. It's just that there's something... Does that remind you of anything ? Owen indicates the hole in the skeleton's chest.
TOSHIKO : Erm, that bit in Alien when that thing bursts out of John Hurt.
OWEN : I'm sorry I should've been more specific. Does that remind you of anything helpful ?
TOSHIKO : No, sorry.
OWEN : Right. Erm just go over there, do your computer stuff and think about shoes aye ? Thank you.
TOSHIKO : (halfway up the stairs) Has Jack said anything to you about the hardware we found with the skeleton ?
OWEN : No, why ? Toshiko puts the pendant on.
OWEN : (Thought) Check any hospitals nearby, could've been someone dying in an operation. Owen drinks the coffee and pulls a face at the taste.
OWEN : (thoughts) This has got sugar in it.
TOSHIKO : No worries, just asking. Gwen enters and sits at the top of the stairs.
OWEN : Hello.
OWEN : (thoughts) Keep looking at the skeleton, don't look at her, no grinning.
GWEN : Hey Tosh, that coffee going begging ?
GWEN : (thoughts) What's the matter with him ? Why isn't he looking at me ?
OWEN : There are copies of that Michael Hamilton statement on yer desk. He's still seeing cyberman outside his mother's house.
OWEN : (thought) Don't think her palm on the bottom of my spine, her hand in my hair.
TOSHIKO : I think I'll just go over there. Owen and Gwen ignore her.
GWEN : Ok. I'll phone social services, see if there's a history of mental illnesses.
GWEN : (thoughts) No, Gwen, this good. Can't go on, this is a good thing. Why the hell isn't he looking at me ?
TOSHIKO : I think my desk is on fire. Toshiko leaves angrily, Gwen continues looking at Owen. Toshiko sees alien device found with the skeleton and starts to look at it, Jack comes down the stairs, he sees Toshiko and hangs around the door frame.
JACK : So I've just come from a really interesting conversation with a detective inspector Henderson.
TOSHIKO : Right. Jack enters the room and stands next to the alien device.
JACK : Interesting because, firstly, the man had the biggest hands I'd ever seen and secondly because of the story he told me about you saving a woman and her kid from being murdered by her ex-husband ?
TOSHIKO: Yeah. No I was going to tell you about that.
JACK : So why didn't you ?
TOSHIKO : I dunno. It wasn't a work thing. Just a thing. Stuff happens all the time that's not pertinent to here.
JACK : You do this all the time ? So you secretly fight crime, is that it Tosh ?
TOSHIKO : I didn't want it to look like I was showing off.
JACK : The guy they arrested, Henderson said you heard him muttering to himself as he was walking along and that's what tipped you off. Jack starts to examine the alien device.
TOSHIKO : Humm. Couldn't really work out what he was saying at first and then I, it was like, Jesus ! Toshiko tries to laugh off the story and Jack smiles, then starts talking seriously.
JACK : That's weird, cos when I'm about to murder someone I'm really careful not to talk to myself about it while I'm on the street.
TOSHIKO : No, sure. I mean that's lesson one.
JACK : Humm.
TOSHIKO : I was wondering how you were getting on with this ? She nods indicating the alien device.
JACK : It's ongoing.
TOSHIKO : Can you dismantle it ?
JACK : Like I said, it's ongoing. Toshiko turns away and touches the pendant, as she does so Jack looks up but doesn't see her touch the pendant. Toshiko tries to read his mind but she can't. Toshiko turns to look at him, wondering why she can't read Jack's thoughts, unnerved by the silence.
JACK : What ? Have I got something on my face ? Is it food ?
TOSHIKO : No sorry, I zoned out.
JACK : Well listen that was a good save Tosh. Well done.
INT. TOSHIKO'S KITCHEN
Mary unpacks a plastic shopping bag onto Toshiko's kitchen table. Toshiko stands with her back to Mary holding the pendant.
MARY : Ok so I've got crisps, I've got coffee, real coffee. Wine...
TOSHIKO : I'm giving them the pendant.
MARY : Right lets...
TOSHIKO : Your right it's not like reading someone's diary, it's so much worse. Toshiko turns to face Mary.
TOSHIKO : And it makes me feel dirty, and ashamed and now I'm spying on my friends.
MARY : Some friends.
TOSHIKO : What's that supposed to mean ?
MARY : They pity you. They exclude you; they've got you doing bloody admin.
TOSHIKO : So ? No I've made up my mind.
MARY : Toshiko, don't do this.
TOSHIKO : So they'll probably want to talk to you. Why do you care ? It's the pendant they're interested in, they don't care about you !
MARY : If I go in that place I won't come out again.
TOSHIKO : What are you talking about ? They're not Nastarsi. Look I'll get my boss to come... Toshiko goes to get her mobile from her bag.
MARY : Put the phone down ! Mary speaks in a voice that is not her own - a low echoing roar. Toshiko moves away from her bag nervously. Mary's voice returns to normal when Toshiko moves.
MARY : Ok, I'll show you. Mary closes her eyes and blue tinged light streams from her face and her body disappears in cracks to reveal a tall, elegant, semi-transparent creature with streaks of light floating from her back. She has long fingers and spiky tentacles sprout from her face like hair.
MARY : (Thought) This is why you can't tell them ! Toshiko moves towards Mary and reaches out to touch her hand.
TOSHIKO : You're cold. Who are you ?
MARY : Still the person you kissed, the person you caressed. Mary changes back and Toshiko stares at her in wonder.
MARY : Say something.
TOSHIKO : So I'm shagging a woman in an alien.
MARY : Which is worse ?
TOSHIKO : Well I know which one my parents would say. I read your thoughts. I didn't see this. What else are you keeping from me ?
MARY : You think there could be anything bigger than this ? The freedom that you have. When I first got here I found it almost obscene. My world was savage, enforced worship in temples the size of cities, execution squads roaming the streets. Descent of any kind meant death or transportation to what they called a feral outpost.
TOSHIKO : And the pendant ?
MARY : It's how my people communicate. It's how we've communicated for centuries. Speaking orally, using a prearranged and finite number of words. It's so archaic ! And kind of gross to look at ! The machine you found is a transporter. It brought me here, it can get me home again, I need it back before you dismantle it.
TOSHIKO : Won't you be in danger ?
MARY : 200 years have passed. There'll be a new government, there'll have been 20 new governments by now.
TOSHIKO : Then why hasn't someone come back for you ?
MARY : I've been forgotten. Like Philoctetes on Limnos.
TOSHIKO : Let me take you to Torchwood. Maybe we can help you. Fix the transporter, get you back home.
MARY : You won't ! You'll examine me. Assess whether or not I'm useful, whether I'm a danger, then lock me in a cell. They're not interested in understanding alien cultures. It's just as well you haven't got the technology to reach other planets yet ! Yours is a culture of invasion. Do you really I'm going to walk, hands raised in surrender into that ? Toshiko doesn't answer, knowing the truth of Mary's words.
EXT. A STREET
Toshiko stands alone wondering what to do, listening to people's thoughts as she walks.
MAN 8 : Silence when the door opens, can't do another night with the silence.
WOMAN 10 : His hands were cold.
MAN 9 : Giving it all we got, calling social services just because of a couple of bruises.
MAN 10 : Worst case scenario, lives 'til she's really old, and the whole inheritance goes on sheltered accommodation. Toshiko rubs her head, the thoughts crowding in until one thought comes through clearly and she stops.
WOMAN 11 : Calling it granddads little secret. Toshiko pulls the pendant off.
INT. THE HUB - AUTOPSY ROOM
Owen is in the autopsy room with the skeleton on the table. He leaves the room and goes to his station and takes off his white coat. He starts putting on his coat to leave then notices something on the screen and sits down. He starts to search the Cardiff General Hospital records, a list of names appears. INTERCUT WITH :
INT. TOSHIKO'S BEDROOM
Toshiko is lying on the bed. Mary is on the armchair in the corner.
TOSHIKO : I can't stand it anymore. The weight of it. The Depravity. The fear. It fills me up. INTERCUT WITH : Jack standing by a clock tower in the night watching over the city.
TOSHIKO : It's in my mouth, my hair, my eyes. Owen sees something useful and highlights a name on the search.
OWEN : Marna ? He pulls up the autopsy report.
TOSHIKO : Like I'm drowning in ink !
OWEN : What am I doing, what I am doing ? Heart removed. Owen looks at a post mortem picture of a girl.
OWEN : In the post mortem, past operation. Owen suddenly connects his memory.
OWEN : Lowry. Owen enters a Torchwood password '45895' and types Lowry into the search.
TOSHIKO : And even when I don't have the pendant on, even when there is nothing... Jack stands by the tower, overlooking the road, still watching.
TOSHIKO : I can't forget the things I've seen. Things I've heard. Owen continues searching.
OWEN : Heart removed... He types another name.
OWEN : Heart removed... He types another name, sees the pictures all with their heart removed. He keeps typing in names, the cases moving back through time.
OWEN : Removed... How far back does it go ?
TOSHIKO : It's like a curse. Something the Gods sent to drive someone mad. I had hope, I'd see something. Jack watches the city.
TOSHIKO : A little random act of kindness, make me think we were safe. Owen at his computer.
TOSHIKO : Some essential good in us.
Owen's computer screen reads: Cause of death - a hole punctured through the chest. The heart gone. Unsolved.
OWEN : This is impossible.
TOSHIKO : There isn't, it's like one of the weevils. Track through the hub cellblock, Janet is in one of the cells, reacting to the telepathy.
TOSHIKO : (VO) Gets inside you, it's just like this great drawling scream. Janet jumps up at her cell wall, growling.
OWEN : This is completely impossible ! Owen dials a number on the phone.
TOSHIKO: You were right, everything you said about us. Jack's phone rings and he answers.
TOSHIKO : How we are frightened. Callus...
JACK : Owen...
OWEN : You need to see this. He hangs up the phone. Toshiko is increasingly upset, crying now.
TOSHIKO : And I can't be a part of it any longer. I don't know what to do, tell me what to do...
MARY : Get me into Torchwood !
INT. THE HUB - NIGHT
Toshiko enters the hub with Mary behind her.
MARY : In Xanadu did Kubla Khan / A stately pleasure-dome decree / Where Alph, the sacred river, ran Through caverns measureless to man / Down to a sunless sea. Toshiko finds the table where Jack had kept the transporter on, only to find it is missing.
MARY : So where is it, lover ?
TOSHIKO : Stay here. Jack, my boss, has got it. Toshiko goes to the stairs. As she passes Mary grabs her arm, pulling her to face her.
MARY : Be quick. I've got a long journey ahead of me. Strokes Toshiko's face.
MARY : I might need to something to eat before I go.
JACK : (From the balcony.) This what you're looking for ? Holds up the transporter.
TOSHIKO : Jack ! Jack starts walking around the balcony and down the stairs to them, telling a story as he moves.
JACK : Friend of mine, lets call him Vincent. That was his name after all. Regular guy, girlfriend. Likes his sport, likes a beer. Starts acting a little strange, a little distracted. Suddenly he disappears for a couple of months. He comes back and we've got to start calling him Vanessa. Since then I've always been a little nervous when a friend behaves out of character. He looks at Mary who stares back impassively.
JACK : I'm sorry we haven't been introduced. He leans over the stair rail.
JACK : Jack Harkness ! My guess is your not from around these parts ! Now this Jack holds up the transporter standing before them, a little way up the stairs.
JACK : This, huh. Is incredible. Walks around the back of the station so he comes out behind Toshiko and Mary.
JACK : You know what it is ?
TOSHIKO : It's a transporter. Mary was a political prisoner, she was exiled here. Look, Jack...
JACK : You got half of that right. Mary, it is Mary isn't it ? You wanna tell her the really interesting bit ? Mary doesn't answer.
JACK : No ? Ooh chatty isn't she ? I don't know how you got a word in edgeways, Tosh. It's a two man transporter. But whatever you people may be, you may be squids for all I know. A two squid transporter, room for one prisoner and one guard! You wanna tell us what happened to the guard Mary ?
MARY : I killed him ! But I was disturbed. INTERCUT WITH : Flashback to the woods in 1812. Mary approaches the alien and it takes over her body. The cog door in the hub closes and the other members of Torchwood enter slowly. Mary looks at them then dismisses them, retuning her attention to Jack.
MARY : Then another came, a soldier. Gwen enters the room behind Jack, Owen behind Mary.
MARY : He tried to shoot me. Flashback to Mary being shot by the soldier. Mary walks towards him and punches him in the chest, withdrawing her hand holding his heart.
MARY : (VO) So I plunged my new human hand into his chest and plucked out his heart ! Ianto is standing by Owen now.
OWEN : And that's what you've been doing ever since.
MARY : This form needs to fed. Mary walks between Jack and Owen, wandering among her audience as she talks.
OWEN : All the punctures, all about the size of a fist. All those people, you killed all those people.
MARY : I fled before any more soldiers came, I had so much to explore! And how I loved this body, so soft so wicked. Mary touches herself suggestively.
MARY : Such powers body has in this world ! Within a few years the forest had gone. Transporter was safely buried under the spread of the city, I didn't care. I wasn't exactly in a hurry to get home.
JACK : And you've been killing ever since !
MARY : I knew there might come a time when my situation here became complicated. Toshiko puts on the pendant.
MARY : But I was safe as long as I knew where the transporter was.
GWEN : (thought) The way she looks at you with those eyes. She's like an animal.
OWEN : (thoughts) When they brought that girl into the hospital. I'd only been qualified 6 months I wanted to throw up.
JACK : And then the machine was uncovered.
MARY : As soon as the air touched its surface I could feel it.
OWEN : (thought) She's just talking. She's not even frightened of us, she is just talking. Mary continues talking, unheard under the thought.
MARY : ...My beautiful Toshiko...
OWEN : (thought) I'm gonna go for it...
TOSHIKO : Owen, no ! Mary suddenly moves quickly, beyond human speed. She grabs Toshiko from behind and puts a knife to her throat. The others stand, arms outstretched ready for any opportunity.
JACK : Let her go ! Mary ! Let her go !
MARY : Toshiko tell them to give me the transporter.
TOSHIKO : I can't Mary ! Toshiko struggles against the knife.
OWEN : (thought) Ridiculous, we're unarmed. We're just shouting at her !
IANTO : (Thought) Not again, please not again !
GWEN : (Thought) Knife has incisors on the blade it'll tear Tosh's throat out. Mary looks over at Gwen.
MARY : How's this ? I'll exchange Toshiko for that one. Mary looks at Gwen, so does Jack.
MARY : Your choice.
OWEN : (Thought) No, no, not Gwen.
GWEN : Just put the knife down...
MARY : Did you hear him ? He didn't want to did he ?
OWEN : (thought) She read my thoughts. She actually read my thoughts.
GWEN : (Thought) What happened did he not what to, what did he say ?
TOSHIKO : Please don't...
MARY : That's what they think of you. That's who you've been working for for all these years.
OWEN : That's not true Tosh, don't listen.
MARY : But not me. Whatever I've done, it doesn't change the way I feel about you ! We have a connection Toshiko, something real...
JACK : (telepathy) Toshiko, don't move. Don't do anything until I say.
JACK : Ok you want the transporter. We want Toshiko ! I think that's a fair swap.
GWEN : (thought) I've been trained for this hostage situation. For gods sake Gwen think.
JACK : Give me the knife and I'll give you the transporter myself.
OWEN : (thoughts) He's just going to let her go. Jack offers the transporter to Mary who looks at Jack then pushes Toshiko away.
IANTO : (Thought) It's a bluff that thing can't stillwork. Mary walks towards Jack and takes the transporter from him. Jack still stands on the other side of it, holding it close to Mary.
MARY : You smell different to them. Jack smiles at her, flirting.
JACK : That's nothing, it's when you compare teeth with a British guy. That's when it's really scary.
MARY : What are you ?
JACK : I don't know.
MARY : And you would have put me in a cage ! Mary notices that the transporter has clicked into life.
MARY : What's happening ?
JACK : Oh that ? Jack releases the transporter which is now locked onto Mary. He steps back out of the way.
JACK : I reprogrammed it for you. It's set to enable. Mary vanishes with the transporter in a long flare of disappearing light, flying through the roof of the hub. They all look up following her trajectory.
JACK : Sort of now...
TOSHIKO : Where did she, has she gone home ?
JACK : I reset the coordinates.
TOSHIKO : Where to ?
JACK : To the centre of the sun. It shouldn't be hot. I mean we sent her there at night and everything.
TOSHIKO : You killed her !
JACK : Yes ! Jack walks away unconcerned while Toshiko cries while trying to be strong. Understanding. She looks up at the roof.
INT. THE HUB - LATER
Owen and Gwen are talking on the balcony.
OWEN : Just ask her...
GWEN : I will Owen, just give 'er a bit of time. She looks over at Toshiko in the office speaking to Ianto.
OWEN : Just say something to her.
GWEN : Owen I don't know what you want me to d, she's been through enough.
OWEN : She is really creeping me out...
GWEN : Owen, don't be selfish about this alright. Toshiko leaves the office and walks up to Gwen.
GWEN : When did you have this, I dunno, ability ?
TOSHIKO : Just a couple of days.
OWEN : What did you hear ?
TOSHIKO : A lot of it was noise... emotions, references I wouldn't understand.
OWEN : Yeah... and the rest ?
TOSHIKO: The rest was none of my business.
OWEN : No it wasn't. Owen walks away angrily.
TOSHIKO : I don't know where this leaves us...
GWEN : Me neither... We can't really take the moral high ground with this. This thing between me and Owen it...
TOSHIKO : No Gwen, what I did was an invasion. I wasn't in control. I realise that now. Even so I, I can't... I have to live with this... not what I heard, what I did to you.
GWEN : And my betrayal ?
TOSHIKO : What do you mean ? Gwen looks down at Owen working on his computer.
GWEN : I'm living with mine. This should be my wake up call. I should stop. But I won't! what does that say about me ?
TOSHIKO : I'm not really in a position to make judgements...
GWEN : This is what I'm saying Tosh... neither am I. Toshiko starts to walk away.
GWEN : Don't let this, it doesn't matter... sorry, forget it.
TOSHIKO : What ?
GWEN : Don't let this put you off. The last couple days you've had a look about you. Love suited you !
EXT. NEAR MILLENNIUM CENTRE - NIGHT
Jack and Toshiko sit on a bench, talking. Toshiko looks at the pendant in her hands.
TOSHIKO : It's funny such a small thing could be the most powerful piece of technology we've ever found. It could tear down governments, wipe out armies. What do we do with it ?
JACK : Your call.
TOSHIKO : It's a curse. Drops the pendant and crushes it with her boot.
TOSHIKO : Why couldn't I read your mind ?
JACK : I dunno, 'though I could feel you scrabbling around in there. He laughs, looking away at the passers-by.
TOSHIKO: I got nothing. It's like you were... I dunno, dead. Jack's smile fades.
JACK : I want that list for UNIT on my desk tomorrow. Or I'll... What do bosses do in situations like these ? You know, regular bosses. Do I get to beat people ? Laughs, Toshiko laughs too.
TOSHIKO : We've got rules for that.
JACK : Red tape !
TOSHIKO : Jack, something Mary said... probably the only honest thing she ever did say, I asked her why she gave it to me, and she said after a while it gets to you. Changes how you see people. Jack puts his hand on Toshiko's on her knee concerned for her.
TOSHIKO : ...how can I live with it ?
JACK : There are some things we're not supposed to know. You got a snapshot, nothing more.
TOSHIKO : I don't mean about Gwen and Ianto and Owen. I mean, the whole world. Toshiko is crying slightly, Jack stands up and puts his hand on her hair.
TOSHIKO : Doesn't matter. He puts his finger under her chin and lifts her head gently, then he wipes a tear from her eye with his finger. He walks away leaving Toshiko to sit and think. He is unable to say anything to comfort her so he doesn't bother.
Crédits : Daniela Denby-Ashe - Mary / Tom Robertson - Soldat / Ravin J Ganatra - Neil / Eiry Thomas - Carol / Shaheen Jafargholi - Danny / Paul Kasey - Weevil. | Plan: A: an usual woman; Q: Who is Mary? A: Mary; Q: What is the name of the woman who gave Toshiko the alien pendant? A: a bar; Q: Where did Toshiko meet Mary? A: Toshiko; Q: Who is given the alien pendant? A: people's thoughts; Q: What does Toshiko discover she can read? A: a centuries-old skeleton; Q: What is the team puzzle over? A: a blessing; Q: What does Toshiko discover her newfound ability is as much of a curse as it is what? A: Torchwood; Q: What team does Toshiko question her commitment to? Summary: After meeting an usual woman named Mary at a bar, Toshiko is given a strange alien pendant. She is upset, yet amazed by what she now has - the ability to read people's thoughts. As the rest of the team puzzle over a centuries-old skeleton, Tosh discovers that her newfound ability is as much of a curse as it is it a blessing, and begins to question her commitment to Torchwood. |
"The Science in the Physicist"
[SCENE_BREAK]
TEASER
(A vacant lot)
PHOTOGRAPHER: Okay, give everything, my darling. Everything. Utter draw, stop or clasp gloss. Okay, keep her lit. (instructing assistants) Keep her bathed in the glow. Alright, yes. Okay good. (to the model) Now look up. Alright, yes, nice, okay. Right in front of you. That's it. That's the future. Yes, okay. (crows start to caw) What the hell is that?
MODEL: Pigeons or blackbirds or crows. Something along those lines.
PHOTOGRAPHER: (to his assistant) Telephoto. (the assistant brings over a new lens)
MODEL: (to herself) God, he has an idea.
PHOTOGRAPHER: (taking pictures of the crows) This is what we need. Caw, caw. Yeah, flap, flap. Yeah, yeah. Give me more. Yes, this! Aviary! Wings! Yes! Beaks! Caw, caw, caw, caw, caw. Those creatures...they are death. (to the model) Flap you're arms, chaste at the way, but remain beautiful. You understand?
MODEL: Running through a vacant lot. (laughs). And a bunch of birds. In six inch heels.
(The model runs into the group of crows. They fly up around her and she screams)
PHOTOGRAPHER: Ooh, excellent. Good, good, good. You're a leopard. Leap! You're an angel. Yes, beautiful! Beautiful! Terror! Fear! Okay, gaze heavenward. Look at the beastly birds, my darling. Look up. Oh, I love it! Yes! (the model stops moving. She's seen something in the grass. It is an ear) Gaze heavenward, darling. Yes, look up at the beastly birds. Look up at the...
(the model screams. The camera flashes become those of the forensic crime scene team. Techs are walking all around the crime scene gathering evidence. The model and photographer are being interviewed. Brennan kneels down to investigate the remains. Booth stands behind)
BOOTH: Okay, so what's it look like to you?
BRENNAN: An ear.
BOOTH: Did you just make a joke?
BRENNAN: No.
BOOTH: Cause that wouldn't be like you.
BRENNAN: (shaking her head) I didn't. It looks like an ear.
BOOTH: What do you make of the stuff in the blue bag then?
BRENNAN: It looks like chili con carne.
BOOTH: Could this be the rest of the person who lost the ear?
BRENNAN: I don't know. It looks like chili con carne. There's no single piece here bigger than the skull of an australopithecus.
BOOTH: Sports terms, Bones. Remember we talked about this.
BRENNAN: Oh um... (she demonstrates the size with her hands)
BOOTH: Ah, softball. Good, you're getting better. Size of a softball.
BRENNAN: At first guess, the total mass in this garbage bag does not add up to an entire human being.
BOOTH: Right. I'll just get forensics to scour the entire lot.
BRENNAN: Yes.
BOOTH: (leans down and whispers) Hey, would you even want to guess what happened to this human being?
BRENNAN: No.
BOOTH: I knew you'd say that. I just have to ask. (stands straight and yells) Alright, let's scour it up.
(Medico-Legal Lab: the Platform)
(Cam, Vincent Vincent and Hodgins are looking over two bags of human remains)
HODGINS: Wow.
CAM: I've been a pathologist for 13 years and I admit, I am...a little nauseated.
VINCENT: It's going to fall to me to empty these bags, isn't it? (Cam and Hodgins look at him) Alright, fine. I may need a pot of tea waiting.
HODGINS: (moving a light over one of the bags) Maggots place time of death somewhere between 48 and 72 hours.
CAM: I'm gonna go with the wood chipper on this.
HODGINS: (picking something out of the remains) In this case it was a gold wood chipper. This looks like gold.
VINCENT: The ancient Samarians were prone to spreading gold dust over the body during funeral rights.
CAM: Did the Samarians chop up the body into little tiny bits first?
VINCENT: Not to my knowledge.
HODGINS: (picking out another substance from the remains) What is this?
CAM: A black pearl?
VINCENT: Pearls: symbolizing eggs or rebirth and resurrection were used in many south seas funeral rights.
CAM: Did they chop the bodies into little tiny bits first?
VINCENT: Uh...(Cam nods her head) I've begun to apprehend your point, Dr. Saroyan.
CAM: Find out how many corpses we're dealing with.
HODGINS: I'll find out if these are really gold flecks and pearl fragments.
(Cam and Hodgins both walk away leaving Vincent with the two bags of remains)
(The Royal Diner)
(Angela and Brennan are eating and drinking coffee)
ANGELA: Celibacy is a lot like fasting.
BRENNAN: So you've become sexually anorexic?
ANGELA: At first you're out of sorts and agitated and then you sort of push through to a kind of clarity.
BRENNAN: Have you reached clarity?
ANGELA: No. I'm still at the agitated and horny stage.
BRENNAN: Why are you fasting sexually?
ANGELA: Sweets thinks it will do me good to put s*x on the back burner in order to related to people in other...(she looks out the window and sees her father standing in the street. Heavy electric guitar is heard in the background)
BRENNAN: Why are you listening to Sweets?
ANGELA: (still looking outside in shock. She turns back to Brennan) Um... (she turns to look back outside and her father is gone)
BRENNAN: Angela, I asked, "Why are you listening to Sweets?"
ANGELA: Sweetie, can you pay for this? I have to go.
BRENNAN: Sure, why?
ANGELA: I have to save Hodgins' life. (She pauses then walks out. Brennan looks confused)
(Medico-Legal Lab - The autopsy room)
(Cam is inspecting the remains. Booth is standing, looking in the opposite direction)
CAM: I found something interesting on the cellular level.
BOOTH: I don't care about the cellular level.
CAM: No hemorrhagic tissue.
BOOTH: (turning around) What?
CAM: It means the victim was dead before being chopped up. You care about that right?
BOOTH: No, not really. What I'm interested in is how this guy got chopped up.
(Cam takes off her gloves and grabs the remote for one of the monitors. She zooms in on a picture of a cell)
CAM: Now this here shows that the cell burst from the inside out.
BOOTH: Gives me nothing. (Booth turns and begins to leave)
CAM: Frostbite can do that.
BOOTH: Oh, what? Like climbing a mountain?
CAM: (running after him) Yes! Exactly! The water in the cells crystallizes and explodes.
(Hodgins walks up to them as they reach the platform area)
HODGINS: I have got an absolutely fascinating clue to tell you.
(Angela runs in, interrupting)
ANGELA: Hey, hey. Uh, you have to leave town.
HODGINS: What? Why?
BOOTH: No. Fascinating clue first.
HODGINS: The pearl we found in the victim wasn't a pearl. (back to Angela) Why do I have to leave town?
ANGELA: My father is here.
CAM: (to Hodgins) What was it then?
HODGINS: carbonaceous chondrites. It's what meteorites are made out of. (to Angela) You're father blames me for our break-up?
ANGELA: Well he has sort of a blind spot when it comes to me so I think you should just get out of town until I can call him off.
BOOTH: Stop. Okay, stop it. Dead guy. What about the dead guy?
CAM: It's obvious. He was frostbitten while climbing Everest. Then struck by a meteor then dumped into a vacant lot in two garbage bags and eaten by crows.
BOOTH: (walking away) Alright, obvious. It's so obvious.
CAM: Hey, it's a start.
(Opening Credits)
(Medico-Legal Lab - Experiment room)
(A crash dummy is standing with a target on its chest. Vincent circles around it and removes the target)
VINCENT: The slowest meteorite travel at 25,000 miles per hour.
HODGINS: (setting a dial on a piece of equipment) Uh-huh.
VINCENT: I'm not just spouting useless facts. You do not have a chance at recreating those velocities with a glorified blow-gun. You simply want to fire a cannon at a dummy.
HODGINS: (with a pair of noise canceling headphones around his neck and goggles on, he offers a pair to Vincent) You staying or going?
VINCENT: (taking the headphones and goggles) Another set of eyes and ears taking note can never be a miss.
(They put on the goggles and headphones and about to fire when Brennan walks in. She looks at what they are about to do)
BRENNAN: What possible information could this experiment provide us that you couldn't get mathematically?
HODGINS: Mathematics is theory. This is a real world recreation.
BRENNAN: In order to prove what exactly?
VINCENT: That a frozen person struck by a meteorite would turn into chili con carne.
BRENNAN: NASA has no record of a meteorite of the size and type striking North America at the time of death.
HODGINS: Oh.
BRENNAN: According to NASA, the meteorite matching these characteristics is right here in D.C.
VINCENT: Oh.
HODGINS: I'm all set up and everything.
BRENNAN: You're experiment is not pertinent. (She leaves)
(Hodgins and Vincent look at each other and then proceed to put the headphones back on)
(Medico-Legal Lab: The floor)
(Booth is standing around as Brennan walks towards him from the experiment room)
BOOTH: So you find out where the meteor came from?
BRENNAN: From the solar nebula.
BOOTH: Alright. Anything more current than that?
HODGINS: (from inside the experiment room) FIRE IN THE HOLE!!
(Booth and Brennan both turn to look when an explosion goes off in the room shaking the walls. Booth throws Brennan against the wall in an effort to protect)
BOOTH: What the hell was that?
(Hodgins and Vincent walk out of the room coughing and trying to clear the smoke)
HODGINS: We're okay. Everything's fine. (Cam walks up to them)
BRENNAN: We should get out of here before lockdown. Let Cam deal with them.
BOOTH: Yeah. (They grab hands and run out just as the alarms go off the and doors shut)
CAM: (to Hodgins and Vincent) You know you're grounded, right?
(The Collar Institute for Physics Research)
(Booth and Brennan step up to a meteor displayed in the middle of the lobby)
BOOTH: So you think the piece of meteor we found in the murder victim came from this?
BRENNAN: Yeah, it's an exact match. The sillicate oxite ratios are indistinguishable. Well, you've heard of Landis Collar, right?
BOOTH: Sure I have. Mmmhmmm. Blind guy. World's leading expert in super-conductivity.
BRENNAN: Do you even know what super-conductivity is?
BOOTH: I know it's better than normal conductivity.
(A young man dressed very casual approaches Booth and Brennan)
MAN: Agent Booth, Dr. Brennan. I'm Christopher Beaudette, senior scholar here at the Collar. Shall we?
BOOTH: Yes. (they follow Beaudette) So you work in super-conductivity.
BEAUDETTE: Uh, no, Agent Booth. I'm doing research into generating power from earthquakes.
BOOTH: Groundbreaking.
BRENNAN: (laughing at the pun) That was a funny joke.
BEAUDETTE: (sarcastically) Yeah. One I've never ever heard before.
BOOTH: (to Brennan) Are these people here smarter than you?
(Landis Collar approaches)
COLLAR: (joining the conversation) That would depend on how one defines intelligence. I'm Landis Collar. Thank you, Christopher.
BEAUDETTE: Landis. (he leaves)
BOOTH: I'm Special Agent Seeley Booth. This here is uh... COLLAR: (finishing his sentence) Dr. Temperance Brennan.
BRENNAN: Is that clicking noise attached to your blindness, Dr. Collar?
COLLAR: Yes. Prototype. Sonic Echo Locater. (demonstrating while speaking) It allows me to (he grabs Brennan's arm) apprehend my surroundings. Have you forgiven me?
BOOTH: Forgiving him?
BRENNAN: I was turned down for a fellowship here at the institute.
COLLAR: No, no. That is not true. Your anthropological research was rejected because it looked to the past, not the future. ad etierno ad glorium ad posterus.
BRENNAN: (translating the Latin) To eternity, to glory, to the future.
BOOTH: Right. Then why say your motto in a dead, ancient language?
BRENNAN: Okay, Booth.
COLLAR: How can I help?
BOOTH: (takes out the evidence bag with the meteorite piece) Uh, this...if you put your hand out I'll...here you go.
BRENNAN: What Agent Booth has given you is... COLLAR: I know what it is. (pause) It's a piece of my meteorite.
BOOTH: That's impressive for a blind man.
COLLAR: I know because I had it made for Diane.
BOOTH: Diane?
COLLAR: Dr. Diane Sidman, my fiancé. The meteorite was set in her engagement ring.
BRENNAN: (to Booth) Well that would explain the gold flecks.
COLLAR: What's happened? Is Diane alright?
BOOTH: When was the last time you saw Diane?
COLLAR: A few days ago. She was ill which is understandable considering the pressure she's under.
BOOTH: Pressure?
COLLAR: She's editor-in-chief of the Collar Journal, perhaps the most important venue for scientific publishing in the world. (he turns to Brennan) Please, what has happened?
BRENNAN: We have discovered some human remains which contain what is most certainly your fiance's engagement ring.
(Collar looks down and turns his Sonic Echo Locater back on. He walks over to a bench and sits)
BOOTH: We'd like to talk to anyone who may have interacted with Diane before she disappeared.
COLLAR: You must speak with Diane's students, chief among them Jennifer Keating and Milton Alvaredo. I'll have Dr. Beaudette bring them to you. (he stands and returns the meteorite piece to Booth) If you need anything else I'll be in my office.
(Another section of the Collar Institute)
(Booth and Brennan are following a student, Milton Alvaredo)
MILTON: My god, Dr. Sidman is dead?
BRENNAN: We have not yet made a positive identification.
BOOTH: When was the last time you saw her, Milton?
MILTON: Um, I suffer from a kind of chronological dyslexia which makes it very difficult for me to place discrete events accurately on a linear timeline.
BOOTH: Whoo. (to Brennan) This one's all yours.
BRENNAN: What exactly are you working on?
MILTON: I'm endeavoring to find a way to transmit single celled organisms using common pond scum from one location to another.
BOOTH: Ever try a spoon?
MILTON: I've had some success vibrating two separate samples of single cell scum in complete symmetry in a quantum level.
BRENNAN: That's very impressive. (to Booth) You wouldn't understand, Booth.
BOOTH: Of course I do. Beam me up, Scotty.
MILTON: Very good. Yes, exactly.
BRENNAN: Dr. Sidman must have been eager to publish that in the journal.
MILTON: Very excited, yes. Pending a few questions.
BOOTH: Is this publishing thing important?
BRENNAN: Publisher parish!
BOOTH: I mean is it motive?
MILTON: For murder you mean? Definitely.
BRENNAN: Definitely.
MILTION: But only on the level of vengeance. Killing her would not reverse the decision unless of course the person who killed her wanted to take over her position. I last saw Diane when Jennifer asked us to stop arguing so loudly.
BRENNAN: Jennifer Keating, Dr. Sidman's other grad student?
MILTON: Yes. Jenny works in cosmogenic isotope research. It can make her cranky. (he walks away)
BOOTH: This place is making me cranky.
(Collar Institute - Jennifer Keating's Office)
JENNIFER: I asked Milton to quiet down, not Diane. I would never get made at Diane.
BOOTH: Why?
JENNIFER: She's editor-in-chief of the Journal.
BOOTH: (to Brennan) Publisher parish, right? (to Jennifer) What were they arguing about?
JENNIFER: I have no idea. Could have been about anything. Landis encourages a free exchange of ideas and it can get pretty intense.
BRENNAN: You specialize in cosmogenic isotope research?
BOOTH: Cosmogenic?
BRENNAN: It's a new way of dating artifacts using 14-C isotopes.
JENNIFER: Through accelerated mass spectroscopy.
BOOTH: Oh. That'd make me cranky too.
BRENNAN: I can't imagine that your project excited Diane Sidman.
BOOTH: Vini vidi vici. Look to the future. Carbon dating is all about the past.
JENNIFER: You're right. There was no way she was going to publish me. This time next year I'll be looking for post-graduate work.
BOOTH: Was that the last time you saw Diane Sidman?
JENNIFER: Yes. Three days ago. Why? Is something wrong?
BRENNAN: It is possible that she is dead.
(Medico-Legal Lab: the bone room)
(Vincent has all the bone fragments laid out on the table and is explaining his findings to Hodgins)
VINCENT: Bones account for approximately 15% of the mass of a human being. Given that the total bone mass here comes to 8.9 kilograms, that would suggest a human being who weighed approximately 59.33333333 kilograms.
HODGINS: 131 pounds. Well, it matches the victims stats. (Hodgins pulls up Diane Sidman's file on the monitor)
VINCENT: Oh, it's Diane Sidman alright. Dr. Saroyan got DNA confirmation.
(Cam walks by the room. She sees that both are in the room alone and does a double take)
HODGINS: There are not other particulates outside of the gold flecks and meteorite.
(Cam enters the room)
CAM: What'd I tell you?
(Hodgins and Vincent slowly turn around)
HODGINS: That we aren't allowed in the same room without supervision.
CAM: Why?
VINCENT: Because we were stupid enough to fire a cannon indoors.
CAM: And?
HODGINS: You know you're here which counts for supervision so (see Cam's face) I'll leave. (Hodgins exits)
VINCENT: There's a deep pitting in these bones which may or may not be connected to the fractures. Also, I excluded wood chipper as a possibility.
CAM: How?
VINCENT: Whirling blades would create parallel and evenly spaced fractures. (pointing to monitor) These patterns appear to be completely random. Even more puzzling, they are unusually clean.
CAM: (studying the photos) What if the cellular damage and the fractures were caused by the same thing? (changing the image on the screen to a close up of the cells) The cells could have burst as a result of ice micro crystals having formed as the body was rapidly frozen.
VINCENT: You mean freeze the body and then shatter the bones? (Cam nods) Liquid nitrogen? (She nods again. He looks nervous as he points to the door)
CAM: You have my permission to confer with Dr. Hodgins on the subject. (She turns to leave)
VINCENT: In the same room, yes? Just to be clear.
CAM: (as she exits) Any damages come out of your pay.
(Collar Institute - Diane Sidman's work area)
(Landis Collar is leading Booth and Brennan into the room. There are equations and mathematics over every whiteboard surface. There are two tables both with nothing but lamps on them)
COLLAR: As requested, Diane's work area.
BOOTH: Woah. Looks like somebody cleaned it out.
BRENNAN: Oh, no, Booth. Dr. Sidman was a theoretical physicist. She didn't do experiments. She figured everything out through equations. (She gestures to the ones on the wall)
COLLAR: Diane was a member of the Large Hatrin Collider team.
BOOTH: Isn't that that thing in Europe that's going to create a black hole and end the universe?
BRENNAN: There's only a very small chance of that actually occurring.
COLLAR: And yet Diane received a number of death threats.
BRENNAN: Diane Sidman's role was important to the Large Hatrin Collider team?
COLLAR: The effort to find the Higgs Boson will be set back months.
BRENNAN: (very interested) The God particle?
BOOTH: What's that?
COLLAR: Uh, theoretical particle which explains why matter has mass.
BOOTH: Mass and matter aren't the same?
(Collar and Brennan look at each other as if Booth must be joking)
BOOTH: Oh come on. Don't look at each other like that. I bet neither one of you know how to make your own beer.
BRENNAN: You realized you just said "Don't look at each other" to a blind man?
BOOTH: You have records of the threats made against her?
COLLAR: Yes. Ever since one of our scientists was attacked for his work in cloning.
BRENNAN: Milton Alvaredo suggested that we look at whomever was going to replace Diane Sidman as editor-in-chief.
COLLAR: That would be the senior scholar, Chirstopher Beaudette.
BRENNAN: You can understand how that makes him a suspect.
BOOTH: I'll tell Sweets to look into the threats to see if they're worth following up. (He turns to begin to leave)
COLLAR: If it matters, Diane and Christopher were also enjoying a sexual relationship.
BOOTH: (stepping towards Collar) Woah. If it matters? I thought you were going to marry her.
COLLAR: At which time by mutual agreement, Diane and Christopher's sexual relationship was to cease.
BRENNAN: Completely rational.
BOOTH: Except for the completely insane part where somebody killed Diane Sidman.
(FBI Interrogation Room - The Observation Section)
(Sweets is in the Interrogation section with Beaudette)
SWEETS: (from the room, through the speaker) I'll be right back, Dr. Beaudette. (He leaves the room)
BOOTH: You know it's a good thing they didn't accept you at that place.
BRENNAN: Why?
BOOTH: It's creepy. Everyone there is creepy.
BRENNAN: Well if you think they're creepy then you must think that I'm creepy.
BOOTH: Well, you have a creepy mode, Bones.
(Sweets enters the observation section)
SWEETS: Very interesting man. Highly self-aware, major league smarty-pants.
BOOTH: Ah, right. Little brain checks in, big brain checks out.
BRENNAN: Uh, I don't know what that means. Little brain, big brain?
SWEETS: He freely admits he had an ongoing sexual relationship with the victim.
BRENNAN: Ohhhh. That little brain.
SWEETS: But, he denies ever having been (using air quotes) "in love" with her.
BOOTH: What's with the hooked fingers?
SWEETS: Well he said (using air quotes) "in love" very sarcastically like it was something that happened to (using air quotes) "lower primates."
BOOTH: Okay. Who else was he sleeping with?
SWEETS: I didn't ask.
BRENNAN: What does that matter?
BOOTH: Because maybe not everybody is so (using air quotes) "adult" or (using air quotes) "rational" or hey, (using air quotes) "clear thinking." Or (using air quotes) "heartless" as him. (He leaves the observation room to go interrogate Beaudette again)
SWEETS: That was a lot of quotation marks.
(Booth enters the interrogation room)
BOOTH: So, sexual relationships are pretty casual over there at the Collar Institute, right?
BEAUDETTE: We're young, close-quarters. We stimulate each other.
BOOTH: Mmmm. Who else were you sleeping with?
BEAUDETTE: Jennifer. Who was also seeing Milton.
BOOTH: So is it possible that Jennifer was trying to get rid of a romantic rival?
BEAUDETTE: By that retrograde manner of thought, Landis could have killed Diane for sleeping with me. Or I could have killed Diane for sleeping with Landis. Or Miltion could have killed Diane for sleeping with me and Landis.
(Medico-Legal Lab)
(Hodgins and Vincent are about to perform an experiment. All the scientists are watching)
HODGINS: Ladies and gentleman. What I propose to show you today is how our victim's skeletal structure came to shatter into tiny bits. Mr. Nigel-Murray. (both men place their protective masks down)
CAM: (to Angela on the floor) He enjoys this way too much.
ANGELA: Basically, Hodgins sees himself as Dr. Nemo.
HODGINS: (pulling out a turkey from a freezer) Liquid nitrogen freezes at 63 degrees Kelvin which is -210 degrees Celsius or -346 degrees Farenheit.
VINCENT: It's unnecessary to say degrees Celsius. It's implicit.
HODGINS: Shhh. (taking the turkey from Vincent) When I drop this super cold turkey.
VINCENT: Once again, technically not super cold.
HODGINS: (ignoring him) It will shatter into hundreds of bits on the concrete floor. (Cam and Angela back up a few steps) Shards are going to fly in every direction so...ready? 3...2...1...
(Hodgins drops the turkey where it bounces and comes flying towards Cam and Angela. Cam moves out of the way fast enough but Angela is too slows. She gets hit by the flying bird in the eye. The bird crashes behind her and Cam immediately checks to see if she's alright. Hodgins races to the stairs to climb down the upper platform.)
ANGELA: It's just a glancing blow.
(FBI Interrogation Room)
(Sweets and Brennan are in the room with a Asian man)
SWEETS: Dr. Lance Sweets. I work for the FBI as a psychological profiler.
MAN: Psychiatrist or psychologist?
BRENNAN: He's just a psychologist.
SWEETS: Uhh, the point is I looked through over 800 threats made against Dr. Diane Sidman. You, Dr. Mullins, are the only person I thought merited questioning.
MULLINS: Using psychology?
SWEETS: That's correct.
(Mullins gives a short laugh and smirks, glancing towards Brennan)
MULLINS: You might as well picked my name from a hat.
BRENNAN: Normally, I'd agree but your disapproval of Dr. Sidman's work makes me wonder if you're a religious fanatic.
MULLINS: No. Like most reasonable human beings, I'm an agnostic.
SWEETS: You have a doctorate in physics from Princeton, right? Yet, you work as a welder?
MULLINS: Welding is a real job. Unlike...psychology.
BRENNAN: How can a reasonable human being with a physics degree honestly believe that a particle accelerator in Europe is going to create a black hole which will destroy the solar system.
MULLINS: Would you like a list of Nobel Laureates who agree with me? The odds are 1 in 50 million. Slight, I admit. Too high when you not only consider the loss of humanity but the only planet in the cosmos that we know for certain is capable of generating and sustaining life.
SWEETS: Uh-huh. Uh-huh. (to Brennan) Um, I hate to say it but I'm totally with him on this one.
BRENNAN: Would you kill someone on 50 million to 1 odds?
MULLINS: Kill someone? Who's dead?
BRENNAN: Diane Sidman.
SWEETS: Of the 800 threats I studied, 106 of them were from you.
BRENNAN: Evidence indicates that Diane Sidman was frozen using liquid nitrogen after she was killed.
SWEETS: Then her body was dropped and shattered.
MULLINS: (laughing) Ridiculous. A frozen cadaver would simply bounce. (to Sweets) Any moron should know that.
BRENNAN: The point is, as a welder you have access to liquid nitrogen.
MULLINS: My IQ is 162.
SWEETS: What about it?
MULLINS: I'm smart enough to know when to shut up and ask for a lawyer. Except I've got one last thing to say. Knowing that Diane Sidman is dead, I'm going to sleep about 50 million times better tonight.
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Medico-Legal Lab - Cam's Office/Autopsy Room)
(Cam is on the computer. Brennan enters hurriedly)
BRENNAN: I got here as soon as I could. What's up?
CAM: Lab results, from the CBC and biopsy on our victim.
BRENNAN: Abnormal proliferation of leukocytes in the thoracic and lumbar bone marrow.
CAM: These numbers are fatal.
BRENNAN: She died of leukemia?
CAM: Diane Sidman had a full physical two weeks ago. Guess what? (Brennan shrugs) Clean bill of health.
BRENNAN: How does a perfectly healthy young woman develop advanced leukemia in two weeks?
(The Royal Diner)
(Sweets, Hodgins and VINCENT are eating)
VINCENT: Leukemia doesn't just appear in two weeks.
SWEETS: What about radiation?
HODGINS: There's gotta be some source of radiation in that place to cause cancer. Someone accidentally irradiates this poor woman and then covers it up by freezing her and smashing her remains into little...bits. (Hodgins looks out the window and sees Angela's dad)
SWEETS: You know, ironically, intelligent people are known to commit murder in ludicrously complicated ways, virtually insuring their capture. (Sweets turns to see what Hodgins is staring at) Isnt' that... HODGINS: It's...uh...Angela's dad.
(Vincent leans over to see. Angela's dad points at Hodgins in a threateningly manner)
VINCENT: It's not uncommon for men to fear that a lover's male parent.
HODGINS: You know what creeps me out? You know that way English people say lovah.
SWEETS: You know attacking Vincent like that clearly indicates that what he said is true.
HODGINS: The man is from Texas. He told me that if I messed up...uh, I don't remember what he said exactly but he mentioned the key G-demolish and it sounded pretty bad.
VINCENT: The blues is known as the devil's music because those most adept are thought to have made a pact with the devil and thus fear no earthly law because they're already doomed to eternity in hell.
SWEETS: Harsh.
HODGINS: Thank you, Vincent. I feel much better now.
SWEETS: I happened to have a great deal of insight into the whole blues culture. I could talk to him for you.
HODGINS: (he looks out the window again.) Uh thanks. But, uh, too late. (Angela's dad is gone)
(Medico-Legal Lab: The bone room)
(Brennan is there inspecting the bones. Cam enters)
CAM: Have you found something?
BRENNAN: Posterior of the T7. (she shows Cam the bone)
CAM: Looks very smooth.
BRENNAN: This indentation could very well be the result of a tumor.
CAM: A possible source of Diane Sidman's leukemia.
BRENNAN: A tumor this size over two weeks would require a radiation source of between 1000 and 5000 REMs.
CAM: And that would have burned the victim. We would have seen that.
BRENNAN: It must have been a steady exposure over time.
CAM: The woman spent almost all her time at work.
(Collar Institute - Diane Sidman's work area)
(Brennan and Booth are in blue hazmat suits with masks behind one of the work boards. Techs are tracing the place for signs of radiation. One tech comes to Booth and Brennan and removes his mask)
TECH: Everything's coming up clean.
BOOTH: Nothing?
TECH: Nope. (Booth and Brennan come into the main area)
BRENNAN: There should still be some evidence of radioactivity.
TECH: There's nothing radioactive in this room. (he shrugs and walks away)
(Brennan and Booth take off their masks. Booth sits in the chair)
BOOTH: God, I don't know how you wear these things. (Brennan sees something on the chair. She walks to him) Hot suits.
BRENNAN: Woah.
BOOTH: What?
(Breannan sees a spot on the chair. She matches it to where it would touch Booth's spine. Booth has no idea what's going on)
BOOTH: Ooh, right. There. (She leans him back in the chair) What are you doing, Bones?
BRENNAN: Well this stain here must have hit Diane Sidman almost exactly where the tumor formed.
BOOTH: (leaping out of the chair) You're testing me on the cancer chair?
BRENNAN: What? You're wearing a suit plus it's not radioactive anymore. We're going to need to take this chair.
BOOTH: No, no, no, no. You don't just go around doing human testing on people, Bones. I got to go to the bathroom. (he turns and runs out)
BRENNAN: Well I touched it with my bare hands. See? (she touches and then looks to the door shrugging her arms.)
(Medico-Legal Lab: The bone room)
(VINCENT is staring at the bones. Cam enters)
VINCENT: You may be wondering why I'm going through these bones again.
CAM: Probably because you feel bad that Dr. Brennan found evidence of a tumor that you missed?
VINCENT: The average chocolate bar has 8 insect legs in it.
CAM: So she said hopefully, metaphorically you're looking for insect legs?
VINCENT: And I may have found some. These cylindrical notches on the left clavicle. (He pulls up an image on the monitor) See?
CAM: Two of them, yes.
VINCENT: They may be stab wounds.
CAM: Okay. I'll have Dr. Hodgines check them for microscopic particulates, if he hasn't lit out for Timbuktu yet.
(Medico-Legal Lab: Hodgins' workstation)
(Hodgins is presenting his findings on the chair to Brennan)
HODGINS: The discoloration in the fabric was not radioactive but because of your suspicion I tested for daughter isotopes.
BRENNAN: Daughter isotopes?
HODGINS: Daughter isotopes are what's left behind after radioactive isotopes decay.
BRENNAN: So there was a radioactive isotope on Diane Sidman's chair.
HODGINS: Yeah. A strong one. Is anyone at that place doing cancer research?
BRENNAN: No. It's not that kind of place.
HODGINS: Yeah. Right. "To eternity. To glory. To the future" (he scoffs)
BRENNAN: You disapprove of the Collar Institute?
HODGINS: Up and forward are only two directions. Science should look in all directions. You taught me that.
BRENNAN: I did?
HODGINS: Every day.
BRENNAN: Thank you. (she smiles and walks away)
(the Collar Institute: at the bottom of a stairwell leading to a lab)
(Booth and Brennan are approaching the lab door. There are passionate moans and screams from a woman coming from inside. Booth pulls out his gun)
BOOTH: Get to the door.
BRENNAN: What?
BOOTH: Just get the door.
BRENNAN: What? Now?
(Brennan reaches and opens it. Booth enters, gun ready. The noises were coming from Jennifer and Milton who have just finished having s*x. They turn and look to Booth and Brennan)
BOOTH: You've got to be kidding me. It's like ClubMed Mensa around here. (He turns to leave. Brennan follows, stifling a laugh) What are you laughing at?
(Milton kisses Jennifer. They go back to their business)
(The Collar Institute: The hallway outside Jennifer's office)
(Brennan is pacing while Booth sits against the wall.)
BOOTH: You know, most people you bust in on having s*x with a gun, you know, (he whistles) it kinda disrupts the mood.
BRENNAN: Perhaps they decided to start all over again from the beginning (she leans against the wall and slides down into a sitting position next to Booth. She laughs and Booth looks away, embarrassed) It's just s*x Booth.
BOOTH: It's not that. Look, I'm not a prude.
BRENNAN: Well...you have what they would call hang ups.
BOOTH: (looks around to make sure no one is around.) You know that guy Landis?
BRENNAN: Yes.
BOOTH: He's about to make a move on you.
BRENNAN: (she shakes her head) How do you know?
BOOTH: Because it is the rational and smart thing to do and he is all about that. I see how he looks at you.
BRENNAN: How he looks at me? He's blind.
BOOTH: It's too literal, Bones. His fiancé was just murdered and he's already moving on.
BRENNAN: Well she's gone. He has accepted it.
BOOTH: Look, good people. They leave marks on each other. The least we could do is let them fade away naturally, not you know, scrape them off, or paint over them with new marks.
BRENNAN: So you're not a prude?
BOOTH: (laughs) Moi? Hey, I am a very fun and (he stands and does a little dance) very sexy guy. (Brennan laughs) That's right.
BRENNAN: (standing) So you just think that if two people care about each other they leave metaphorical marks which should be allowed to fade naturally?
BOOTH: You heard me but you just didn't understand me.
BRENNAN: Ya, I wonder that about you call the time. (Booth looks at her quizzically)
(Jennifer exits her office and walks towards her disrupting the moment)
JENNIFER: My apologies. Were you looking for me?
BRENNAN: We need to see your radioactive isotopes. (Milton comes out of the office)
BOOTH: Hey, how you doing there, pal? Did you knock one out of the park?
MILTON: I'll be off then, Jennifer JENNIFER: Good-bye, Milton. Thank you very much.
MILTON: You're more than welcome. (he climbs the stairs to leave)
(Collar Institute: Jennifer's office)
(Jennifer is leading Booth and Brennan to the isotope storage wall)
BOOTH: Thank you, Milton. No, thank you, Jennifer. They're so polite here except for the murder and cheating.
BRENNAN: We can get a warrant for the isotopes if that's what you require.
JENNIFER: (putting on gloves) That won't be necessary. I don't know what use you could have with these. I haven't used them for months. (She removes a tray and stares at it. Two bottles are missing)
BRENNAN: Something wrong?
JENNIFER: (looking very confused) Some of my vials are missing.
BOOTH: Hmmm?
BRENNAN: We'll need to know how many people aside from yourself had access to them in the last month.
JENNIFER: Everyone in the institute had access. Everyone.
(A street corner)
(Angela's dad is playing guitar and spectators are watching and dropping money in his case. Sweets approaches and listens for a bit.)
SWEETS: This guy's good.
SPECTATOR: Hell yes.
(Angela's dad finishes the song and everyone claps and cheers. They throw money down and head off. Sweet's approaches Angela's father.)
SWEETS: Why would a guy like you play on a street corner?
ANGELA'S DAD: Well I guess that would depend on who exactly you think I am.
SWEETS: I'd like to speak with you about Hodgins.
ANGELA'S DAD: Uh-huh.
SWEETS: I'd like to help.
ANGELA'S DAD: No thanks, son. I can handle Hodgins all on my own.
SWEETS: Oh, no. I mean I'd like to help with the situation. See, I'm a psychologist. It's kinda my mojo.
ANGELA'S DAD: You misunderstand the term. (He begins to play another song)
SWEETS: (touching Angela's dad's shoulder) What I meant was... (he glares at Sweets. Sweets removes his arm. They stare at each other and Angela's dad begins to play again. Sweets walks away a little scared.)
(Medico-Legal Lab: Angela's office)
(Angela is showing 3D graphics of the bones and Diane on the computer to Cam and Vincent)
ANGELA: Vincent pointed out that each break appears to have happened at the weakest part in each bone.
VINCENT: X-rays permeate on that. The most damage was done to the weakest bones. The anvil, the hyoid, these points on the spine.
CAM: I don't get what that means.
VINCENT: Essentially the skeleton broke apart at the weakest points.
ANGELA: The way a building would fall apart during an earthquake.
CAM: The victim was killed, we're not positive how yet, then frozen then shaken until all the bones fell apart?
BRENNAN: (having just entered the room) Not shaken. Vibrated. Vibrated until the frozen bones shattered like crystal.
(Angela plays the shattering scenario on her computer with the bones breaking at the weakest points)
(Medico-Legal Lab: Hodgins' platform)
(Hodgins is looking through a microscope. Sweets comes up)
SWEETS: Hodgins!
HODGINS: (jumps) Don't sneak up like that. I could put out an eye on my microscope.
SWEETS: You got to run.
HODGINS: You talked to Angela's father?
ANGELA: (running to them) Oh god. Well what did he say?
SWEETS: I have no idea. But he's very...he's got a very disturbing effect. Sinister.
HODGINS: I am not scared of him.
SWEETS: Okay. Okay, you know that whole...that whole sell your soul at the crossroads thing? I'm buying it. (Hodgins shakes his head) You got to run for it man.
ANGELA: I told you so. (she leaves)
SWEETS: Yeah. Hey, you know what? I secretly had a thing for Angela (Hodgins looks up) Now. It's gone. Like wiped from the memory banks. (Hodgins looks at Sweets. Sweets walks away but does one last glance back.)
(Booth's Car)
BOOTH: So it had to be Milton Alvaredo, right?
BRENNAN: Why?
BOOTH: He's the one who's working on transporting matter through vibrations, right?
BRENNAN: (impressed) You understood that?
BOOTH: Hey... He kills Dr. Sidman, flash freezes her and then tries to transport her to outer space, the moon, whatever. And ends up with frozen chili con carne.
BRENNAN: I'm very impressed, Booth.
BOOTH: Yeah, well I've learned a lot from you. (looks away and then quietly says) And a lot from watching the Discovery Channel with Parker.
BRENNAN: Milton Alvaredo is not our only suspect.
BOOTH: Jennifer Keating. Well I mean her only motive is revenge and like you said, that's just not logical. And despite her being, you know, a...s*x kitten scientist, she's still logical.
BRENNAN: No, not Jennifer Keating. Christ Beaudette. His project concerns extracting energy from earthquakes.
BOOTH: Ohhh BRENNAN: Plus Dr. Collar's working on echo location for the blind.
BOOTH: So basically we're back to square one.
BRENNAN: I suggest we find an apparatus capable of shattering a flash frozen human cadaver.
BOOTH: Apparatus... (he looks confused)
BRENNAN: Yup.
BOOTH: Right. Gotcha.
(Collar Institute: A experimentation lab)
(Booth and Brennan enter)
BOOTH: Hello? Dr. Earthquake? (no one responds) Okay, so tell me what I'm looking for.
BRENNAN: Any apparatus that might facilitate the creation of a sonic standing wave.
BOOTH: (leaning against a large silver container) Right. Tell me what I'm looking for again.
BRENNAN: (turns and looks at where he is. She sees the container and points) You're leaning on it.
BOOTH: Right, I knew that (he turns to open it up) Look at this. (he opens the heavy door) Right, I'll just get forensics to uh, look for blood.
BRENNAN: (inside the container) No, there won't be any blood. The remains were frozen solid by this point. (Booth steps inside) The natural frequency of the human body is between 3 and 7 hertz.
BOOTH: Humans have natural frequencies?
BRENNAN: Naturally that would increase dramatically if the body was subject to (someone slams the door shut locking them in)
BOOTH: Woah. (he slams against the door trying to open it) Hey.
BRENNAN: (screaming) Forget it, Booth. We're in a high pressure chamber. That door can withstand the force of at least... (the chamber makes a noise as if turning on) Oh no.
BOOTH: Oh no. What oh no?
BRENNAN: (scared) We have to get out of here.
BOOTH: We have to get out of here or what, we'll explode?
(An extremely high pitched noise starts forcing Booth and Brennan to grab their heads in pain. They scream and lean against the wall)
BRENNAN: Booth, what we have to do here is we have to try to counter...counteract the wavelengths.
BOOTH: The what?
(Brennan begins screaming a really high pitched noise. Booth emulates.)
BOOTH: It's not working.
BRENNAN: If we stop our brains will turn to pudding.
(They begin making siren noises again. They can't keep it up for long and they fall to the floor. Right before passing out, Booth grabs his gun and shoots at the window in the door.)
(Collar Institute: Experiment Room)
(Brennan comes over Booth who is passed out on the floor outside the chamber. She is yelling very loudly)
BRENNAN: Booth? Hello? (he wakes up) Booth, are you okay? (he stares at her confused) Are you alright? Can you hear me?
BOOTH: (shouting) What?
BRENNAN: (shouting) Are you alright?
BOOTH: (shouting) I'm alright. How about you? (he moans and feels his head)
COLLAR: I called the paramedics, they should be here any second.
BRENNAN: (still screaming and helping Booth to stand) Landis pulled us out.
COLLAR: I heard shots.
BOOTH: (shouting) Woah.
BRENNAN: (shouting) Booth, are you okay?
BOOTH: (shouting) It was my shooting that saved our lives.
COLLAR: You should have been dead in 5-7 seconds BOOTH: (shouting) Bones, it was my gun.
BRENNAN: (interrupting Booth, still shouting) My sonic interference idea worked.
BOOTH: (shouting) It wasn't your siren.
BRENNAN: (shouting) Can you hear me? (Booth moans and holds his hand to his head)
BOOTH: (shouting) Bones, it was my gun.
BRENNAN: (shouting) If I hadn't started my interference we'd be dead before you started shooting.
COLLAR: You two might want to try resting before communicating. I don't need to be deaf as well as blind.
BOOTH: (shouting) What?
(Medico-Legal Lab: Hodgins's workstation)
(Hodgins and Vincent are looking at a picture of the clavicle on the computer)
HODGINS: Alright, now this notch you found in the clavicle?
VINCENT: Yeah?
HODGINS: I found minute traces of graphite, clay and co-polymer.
VINCENT: Pencil lead? Which of course is not lead at all. (Hodgins glares at him) Uh, is that even possible?
HODGINS: (takes pencil out of Vincent's pocket to demonstrate with) Alright. Say a fairly heavy mechanical pencil, right? (demonstrating violently) To the windpipe, or the carotid. Victim dies, is deep frozen and then shattered.
VINCENT: Uh, the freeze dried chunks are swept into garbage bags and dumped for birds to eat.
HODGINS: Hmmm.
(Hodgins hands Vincent is pencil back. Vincent jumps)
VINCENT: Ooooh. (laughs) No. No. Please, you keep it. I don't think I could ever regard it again since...(pantomimes the stabbing motion. Then pats Hodgins on the shoulder) Thank you very much. (he walks away)
(The Royal Diner)
(Angela and her father are eating)
ANGELA'S DAD: I warned the man, Angie. I told him that if he hurt you he would have me to contend with.
ANGELA: Did you take off your glasses when you said it?
ANGELA'S DAD: (laughs and removes sunglasses) I definitely did.
ANGELA: It was a mutual break-up.
ANGELA'S DAD: Were you hurt?
ANGELA: (shakes her head) Dad... ANGELA'S DAD: Could he have stopped it?
ANGELA: Yeah...Yeah...But so could I.
ANGELA'S DAD: Well, his daddy can come down...and kick your ass. (she laughs) I can't do everybody's job.
ANGELA: I wish you wouldn't.
ANGELA'S DAD: Okay, sweet girl. I will ameliorate my vengeful intentions.
ANGELA: Ameliorate? (she shakes her head) Honest?
ANGELA'S DAD: (nodding his head) Honest. Honest as a Texas sundown. (He puts his glasses back on)
(FBI Interrogation Room)
(Booth, Brennan and Sweets are there interrogating Milton, Collar, ad Beaudette)
BRENNAN: One of you killed Diane Sidman.
BOOTH: And tried to kill us.
SWEETS: I think we can rule out sexual jealousy as a motive for this murder.
ALL 3 SUSPECTS: Of course we can.
BRENNAN: Yea, of course we can.
BOOTH: Woah, wait a second why? Because these robots don't feel like humans?
SWEETS: No. Because radiation poisoning is the opposite of a crime of passion.
BRENNAN: Well my people say that Diane Sidman was stabbed to death with a pencil.
SWEETS: Well indicating that the murderer suddenly became impatient or approached a deadline. If you figure out that deadline, you'll figure out your murderer.
BRENNAN: Well it has to be the publishing deadline from the Journal.
BOOTH: (showing pictures of the chamber to the suspects) Look at this, huh? We found blood in your resonance chamber. (to Collar) Obviously you can't see that but it's right there.
BRENNAN: (pointing to the first picture) That's not blood. (pointing to the second picture) That's not blood.
BOOTH: (behind his hand to Brennan only) Luminol means blood.
BRENNAN: (at a whisper) There's no evidence of smearing)
SWEETS: If the murderer had seen blood he would have cleaned it up.
COLLAR: Luminol reacts with copper, iron, peroxides and cyanide.
BEAUDETTE: Which provides for a number of false positives: vegetables, fruit pulp... MILTON: Cleaning agents, insecticides... BRENNAN: Various glues, rust remover, ketchup, seaweed, sap, algae.
SWEETS: Is this luminal stuff every useful? (Brennan gives him a look) I'm just asking because...yes, it is. (Brennan nods) Fine, I'll shut up.
BRENNAN: Booth.
BOOTH: What?
BRENNAN: Luminol reacts with pond scum.
BOOTH: So? (Brennan glances at Milton) Right...Right. Pond scum Scotty. You're our guy. You're under arrest. Knew it all along. Let's go. Come on. Up. (Collar stands and walks over to punch Milton. By accident he hits Booth) Ahh. God. Ow.
COLLAR: That's for killing my fiancé.
BRENNAN: One person to your left, Dr. Collar.
(Collar faces Milton, pauses, then punches him)
COLLAR: My apologies, Agent Booth. My echo locater must have malfunctioned. (Booth stands to cuff Milton. Collar turns and walks towards Brennan) This may not be the most apropos time, but... BOOTH: Oh, here we go!
SWEETS: Here we go, what? (Booth motions towards Collar and Brennan)
COLLAR: I was wondering...could I have your phone number?
SWEETS: Wow.
BOOTH: Told ya.
SWEETS: Really?
BRENNAN: I have been considering how to respond if you asked and have decided upon, "No." (Collar looks a little shocked)
BOOTH: Oh.
BEAUDETTE: (standing) I can go right?
BOOTH: (opening the door) Yup.
BEAUDETTE: Cause I have some actual save-the-world work to do. Dr. Collar. (Collar takes his hand and follows Beaudette out the door)
(Booth takes Milton and begins to lead him out. He moans in pain a little from being punched)
BRENNAN: You okay? (she holds his chin to inspect his face)
BOOTH: Yeah, I'm alright. You know you're the only smart person I really like.
BRENNAN: Thank you. (they begin to leave)
SWEETS: Oh, that's...what about...what about me? (Booth slams the door without responding)
(The Founding Fathers)
(Booth and Brennan are at the bar)
BRENNAN: So Diane Sidman agreed to publish Milton Alvaredo only if he shared credit with her.
BOOTH: Right, so she said that he was using his theories about that God particles... BRENNAN: Particle. There's only one.
BOOTH: Right. Particle to vibrate the pond scum.
BRENNAN: He gives her cancer, but she lives too long.
BOOTH: Wow. Then he kills her with a pencil and feeds her to crows so he doesn't have to share a credit. Wow, that is cold.
BRENNAN: And creepy? (Booth looks at her)
BOOTH: I didn't mean to call you creepy.
BRENNAN: You said I have a creepy mode.
BOOTH: I apologize. Okay, look, I wasn't in my element.
BRENNAN: What? Every element is your element.
BOOTH: No, that is not true. Okay, listen. (he pauses) We just got to stop hanging out with geniuses because you're going to figure out that I'm really stupid.
BRENNAN: What? Don't worry about that. I figured out a long time ago how stupid you are.
BOOTH: (thinks about that for a sec) Hmmm BRENNAN: What I just said is true and yet it really sounded wrong. What I should say is I don't care how stupid you are. (Booth doesn't say anything) It's not any better?
BOOTH: No. No. Not at all.
(Vincent, Sweets and Angela all come into the bar and sit around Booth and Brennan)
BRENNAN: Well, there is intelligence that I have and Mr. Nigel-Murray.
VINCENT: Oh, thank you.
BRENNAN: And...Sweets...even though his is so misdirected as to be meaningless.
BOOTH: Right.
SWEETS: Wow, back hand full of knuckles with that compliment.
BRENNAN: And Hodgins, and Angela...not so much but she's very talented.
ANGELA: (sarcastically) Thank you...very much.
BRENNAN: (not picking up on the sarcasm) You're welcome. But then there's another quality which is the ability to use intelligence. That is what you have.
BOOTH: (he thinks about that and then smiles) Thanks, Bones. (they have a moment)
ANGELA: Hey, wait a minute. Speaking of Hodgins...has anybody seen Hodgins? (they all shake their heads) Oh God.
(the desert)
(Hodgins wakes up. His upper left arm is bandaged. He is in pain. He looks down and takes off the gauze pad. There is a tattoo of Angela's head with the words "Angie Forever" below. He lays back and sighs as crows fly overhead.) | Plan: A: human remains; Q: What is found during a photo shoot? A: the Collar Institute of Science; Q: Where are Booth and Brennan led to when they find a meteorite in a victim's ear? A: D.C.; Q: Where is the Collar Institute of Science located? A: a controversial project; Q: What was the victim a part of? A: the several death threats; Q: What must Brennan and Booth investigate? A: town; Q: Where does Angela's father arrive to confront Hodgins? Summary: Booth and Brennan are sent to investigate when human remains are found during a photo shoot. When the team uncovers a meteorite in the victim's ear, they are led to the Collar Institute of Science in D.C. There they learn the victim had been a part of a controversial project, Brennan and Booth must investigate the several death threats she had received. Meanwhile, Angela's father arrives in town to confront Hodgins. |
[PREVIOUSLY_ON]
Cotton: Ritum magni.
John: The grand rite?
Cotton: It says this object, this "malum," is thought to be present at every grand rite throughout history. This object is evil. It consecrates the earth for the Devil's return.
John: It was here for delivery. Someone was expecting it.
Mary: So the others have turned on me.
Tituba: Yes. Each and every one.
Mary: Rose?
Tituba: Everyone. If you wish for John Alden to live, you will complete the grand rite.
Cotton: What is the grand rite?
Rose: [Gurgling] You think you can dangle me like a puppet? You're the puppets, all of you... puppets!
John: I thought you said Saturn would compel her to speak the truth.
Cotton: It did. Sometimes the truth is a riddle.
John: And the answer?
Cotton: I must think and then think again.
Anne: Father?
[Gasps]
Aah!
Mrs. Hale: Come, child. It's time we talked about your father.
Mary: You brought the malum to Salem behind my back.
[Rat squeaking]
[People coughing]
Captain: Not one of them will survive.
Nor the rest of us, at this rate. 10 days becalmed. Nearly out of food and water. We've no hope unless we catch the wind.
Grim man: It is not the wind that we must catch, Captain. It is a witch. Girl, look at me.
Captain: We have searched every passenger and crew member for your supposed witches. None were found.
Grim man: There is a witch on this ship. You understand me, Captain? The witch will kill everyone aboard in order to stop me. We will find the witch.
[Coughing continues]
Mary: Make no mistake.
It could just as well be your head. Rose brought the malum here behind my back to complete the grand rite without me. Whose idea was it to turn the puritans' hatred against themselves? To use them to achieve the first grand rite in centuries? Who made that possible? Me. Yet you and that foul bitch mistrusted me. And much worse for you, you underestimated me.
Mr. Hale: But killing the Samhain, do you have any idea what you've done?
Mary: The question is not whether I understand what I have done, but whether you understand what you must now do.
Mr. Hale: I do. You have claimed the ancient right. I recognize you as the new Samhain. I will honor and obey your power, earned in blood, and share the word with the rest of the hive.
Mary: Full hunter's moon is soon upon us. We need eight more dead by then. And I have a plan... To put us within reach of our goal with one single move. Three sacrificed all at once. But mark me well... If anyone goes behind my back, I hold you responsible. You will pay for it, or your wife and sweet daughter will.
["Cupid Carries a Gun" plays]
♪ Pound me the witch drums ♪ ♪ witch drums ♪ ♪ pound me the witch drums ♪ ♪ pound me the witch drums ♪ ♪ the witch drums ♪ ♪ better pray for hell ♪ ♪ not hallelujah ♪
[Insects chirping]
Anne: A spy?
What do you mean? Is he working for the French?
Mrs. Hale: No! [Scoffs] Of course not.
[Sighs]
I should have said nothing. But your infernal snooping only endangers us all. Your father is a confidential agent. He makes very occasional reports to agents representing another foreign power.
Anne: Then who? And why?
Mrs. Hale: What does it matter to whom your father speaks? It's just politics, dear. Of no import.
Anne: No import? That my father is a traitor is of no import?!
Mrs. Hale: Never say that. Your father is not a traitor. He is a man of the highest ideals! Everything your father he does, he does for you. Keep out of his affairs for your own good.
Anne: I am utterly unconvinced by your story, mother. He seemed to vanish before my eyes. I make no apologies. And I choose to walk through life with my eyes open. Unlike you.
Mrs. Hale: I know you think me a stupid woman with no curiosity, but you don't understand. The problem with knowing things is that you can never unknow them.
[Indistinct conversations]
Mab: Has it arrived?
Mr. Hale: Patience.
This... Message I've been waiting for from the ship.
Windstille.
"We are becalmed. He searches, but I remain hidden." If they fail to hold him, he could arrive at any time.
Mab: Have you warned Mary Sibley?
Mr. Hale: No. She knows nothing of the germane nor of my contact with them nor of the impending threat. If they succeed in keeping him at bay, then she has no need to know. And if he cannot be stopped, well, then it's an entirely new game, isn't it?
Mab: It threatens everything. Shouldn't you tell her?
Mr. Hale: Knowledge is power. And with regard to power, she has more than her share at the moment, wouldn't you agree?
Tituba: Are you sure you've done the right thing?
Mary: Were you sure when you brought me in?
Tituba: Yes. I saved your life. And I will never cease saving it.
Mary: I know. Come.
I must find the malum.
Tituba: John Alden has it.
Mary: Yes.
And he knows he has something of power, something witches would kill and die for. He will have well-hidden it.
Tituba: Well, then how will you find it?
Mary: I've a mind to search his mind.
Tituba: Dream walking? No. There has to be another way.
Mary: We're running out of time, Tituba. Without the malum and all it contains, our grand rite is not possible. Trust me. Once inside, I'll find the malum, and then I'll get out.
Tituba: Inside? It is not a house you invade but a man! And not just any man.
Are you sure it is the malum you seek and not just access to him?
Mary: [Scoffs]
Whatever my personal feelings are for John,
I am only seeking the malum.
Tituba: Do you have any idea what crawling around inside his dreams could do to you and to him?
It could leave either or both of you shattered, unable to tell dreams from reality. You could be lost, trapped!
There are other ways to find the malum.
I cannot lie. I am afraid.
Mary: Good. Be afraid. Watch over me. But this is my choice. I will do this with or without you. Tituba, send me. Now.
Tituba: [Sighs] Go now. Catch a falling star. Get with child a mandrake root. Travel back where past years are. Through the cloven Devil's hoof. What you seek is in his heart. Know his thoughts through angel's art. As torches ever ready be, through daylight's gate step one, two, three.
Mary: [Distorted] Why have you waited so long?
[Moaning]
John: [Gasps]
Mary: [Exhales sharply]
Tituba: Enjoying yourself?
Mary: I didn't find it yet.
But I know I can.
John: [Exhales]
Grim man: This sea is unnatural. I smell it. I feel it. We are under a dark enchantment.
Captain: We have searched high and low. There is no witch on this ship!
Grim man: And I say there is.
Captain: We have searched everyone. Twice. So where is the witch?
Grim man: Right here.
Captain: Aaah!
Grim man: Where is the knot, Captain?
Captain: [Spits]
Grim man: Where have you hidden the knot?
[Bones crack]
Where is the knot that binds the wind?
Captain: Frib scheibe und stirb!
Sie werden die neue welt nie lebend erriechen!
[Groans]
My neck! Around my neck!
[Shing!]
Grim man: Auf wiedersehen.
[Gulls calling]
Boatswain: Captain, the wind's up.
The sails are full.
Grim man: I am now master of this ship. Tell the helmsman due west.
Mercy: Close your eyes... And you break an egg. And you imagine your wedding, so you're standing there in front of the meeting house holding a bunch of flowers. The bells are ringing for you. And then when you open your eyes, you see the face of the man you're to marry.
Emily: But we already know who Dolie'll marry. Stinky, old Joe Barker.
Dollie: I will not.
Emily: But... but you've already bundled with him.
Dollie: Have not.
Emily: But you're going to.
Dollie: Yes. Tonight. There's got to be someone else for me.
Mercy: Well, if there is, the Venus glass will show him to you.
Dollie: [Chuckles lightly]
Mercy: But first you have to drink the tea. All of it.
Dollie: [Chuckles]
[Screams]
[Water sizzles]
[Whimpering]
Did you see that?
Emily: What did you see? Did you see Joe Barker?
Dollie: No, I... I don't know what I saw, but...
I...
But I... but I have to go now. Um, I'll... I'll be late for my bundling, and my mother will beat me for ruining a perfectly fine match.
Emily: We all should go, too.
Emily: [Breathes deeply] I did it. And it worked just... Just like you said it would. I-I gave her the potion first, and then I pictured it in my mind, and she saw it.
Mary: And this is just the beginning. Next you will help push Salem over the edge, but first... You must learn to walk wherever you will without your body.
Cotton: I begged to see your face, Lord. Am I looking at it now?
John: They say it's the first sign of folly, talking to oneself.
Cotton: I wasn't talking to myself. But to God. Or my father. If there is a difference.
John: Is he here?
Cotton: Worse. Here.
John: I think we're not so different.
Cotton: [Chuckles] That would worry me immensely were I not already consumed with other worries. And apparently there are some truths not contained in books. Knowledge must be tested against the anvil of experience. Last night my knowledge cracked like poorly forged steel. After what that witch said, I can be sure of nothing but my doubts. I doubt everything. My books, my tools, my methods. Even myself.
John: Then you fight with the weapons you have.
Cotton: Meaning?
John: If all you have is doubt, then you make doubt itself the weapon. You question everything.
Cotton: Even myself.
John: Especially yourself.
Cotton: I do believe God brought us together for a reason.
John: To drive each other insane?
Cotton: No. 'Cause the shadow over Salem requires more light than either of us can provide alone.
John: You know more than anyone about... Well, everything. So what do you know about dreams?
Cotton: [Whispering] The undiscovered country.
John: What?
Cotton: Dreams. [Normal voice] Most men dismiss them. But by my calculation, a man who lives his full biblical span of 70 years will spend as many as 20 of them in another realm, where nothing is as it seems.
John: So you believe they're real?
Cotton: They are. Our own private America, a new world filled with equal parts terror and delight. Apparently one not need be a house to be haunted.
John: What do you mean?
Cotton: You're not the only one who knows what it feels like to hold desires that come true only in dreams. But every morning, we have a choice. Forget our dreams... Or live them.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Mrs. Barker: My mother sewed Mr. Barker and me into this bag when I was a girl. Such pleasant nights we spent talking of this and that. That stitch keeps you from having too much pleasure before the wedding night. Nothing below the waist.
Joe: Is it true you've been in the house of seven gables?
Dollie: Oh, yes. Many times. My friend Marcy lives there now.
Joe: Aren't you afraid to be close to her?
Dollie: No.
[Sighs]
Joe: Are you afraid to be close to me?
[Gasps]
[Screaming]
Mrs. Barker: Wicked girl!
That bag's seen three generations married! This isn't over, little missy! I'll take this up with your mother!
Mary: Where is it, my love? Show me where it is.
John: I-I don't understand.
Mary: No?
John: No. What does this mean?
Mary: Do you care? It is. We are. That's all that matters. Real enough for you? Or this? I need to know where it is.
John: What?
Mary: [Panting]
I found the malum.
It's in Corey's grave. Alden has hidden it in Corey's grave.
Tituba: I warned you. Dream walking in any man is dangerous, let alone one that you love.
Mary: [Scoffs]
Tituba: You could lose your way and never come back. Keep out of that man's head.
Mrs. Barker: Little bitch tore my great-gran's bundling bag.
Mrs. Trask: And your stink-breathed boy poked a hole in your precious bag, tried to poke one in my girl!
Mrs. Barker: There's no holes in that bag but the ones she tore running out.
Mrs. Trask: And who'd believe you or any Barker?
Mary: [Whispering] See, my dear? It's working.
Mrs. Trask: Everyone knows you're a pack of liars and cheats getting rich off the rest of us.
Mrs. Barker: You stop talking filth about my family or I'll stop you talking.
Dollie: [Laughs]
Mrs. Trask: What are you laughing at, you little minx?! Those Barkers may be a foul lot, but they have money enough, and it was a fine match for the likes of you, and you had to ruin it with your silly ideas.
Mercy: [Inhales sharply]
Anne: Captain Alden, where are you off to with such urgency?
John: Nowhere. Just... taking in the air.
Anne: Oh, I understand completely. You're not a man used to town life. Your body probably longs for the wilderness. Captain?
John: I'm sorry. I... I don't know what overcame me. Please excuse me.
Mab: Captain Alden. An honor... And I hope a pleasure to see you. Anyone take your fancy?
John: Yes. I need at least three.
[Women chuckle]
Mary: Clever girl.
Thanks to what you made Dollie see, the town is more than halfway to seeing the Barkers as witches. Now one spark will light the fire. You remember all I told you?
Mercy: Yes. But will it really work? How will I leave my body?
Mary: Follow your bliss. It will lead you out of your body and out of the window. Stay focused and remember, your job tonight is to terrify Mrs. Trask. Make her see Mrs. Barker. She must tell everyone she was attacked by Mrs. Barker.
Mercy: I understand. Are you gonna send me now?
Mary: Close your eyes. Picture where you want to go.
Mrs. Trask: [Gasps]
[Exhales sharply]
Dollie? [Sighs] Damn. If you don't learn to control your damn cat, I'll skin it myself.
[Gasps]
[Shuddering]
[Insects chirping]
John: This is but a dream.
Mary: Life itself might be but a dream.
Why not enjoy it?
Anne: Try to remain still, Captain Alden.
Mary: What are you doing here?
Anne: Learning the wonders of God's own creation.
Mary: John? [Echoing] Where are you, John?
[Men yelling in distance]
[Yelling in distance]
Tituba: Mary!
Mary! Mary, come out now!
Tituba: Mary!
Mary: [Gasps]
Tituba: Mary! Mary! Mary, come out now! Mary! Mary, come out now! Mary! Mary, come out now!
Mary: [Gasps]
Tituba: Oh, Mary.
Mary: Oh, Tituba.
Tituba: It's okay. You're home. Why did you go back? I told you not to go back. And you left this one to walk alone on her first time. Anything could have happened.
Mary: I know. I'm sorry. I just wanted to see him again. I lost control.
Tituba: You get your clothes on. You're coming to help me.
Mary: No, no. Where are you going?
Tituba: Shh. To fetch you an apple while you regain your control.
Mary: [Panting]
Tituba: It's okay.
John: Mm!
[Both panting]
[Insects chirping]
Tituba: Hand it to me, girl.
Man: She's dead!
Lady Trask is dead!
[Men shouting in distance]
Tituba: What did you do?
Mercy: What Mary told me to do.
Tituba: She told you to frighten the woman, not slaughter her.
Mercy: But she deserved it.
We're tired. Tired of being beaten and used. We won't be used anymore... any of us. We won't take it.
Man: Make way! Make way!
[Indistinct shouting]
Cotton: Isaac! Isaac, what's happened?
Isaac: Mrs. Trask has been found dead... horribly dead.
And they all think the Barkers are responsible. After the fight and what little Dollie saw, now this, they're calling them witches.
Cotton: Where is Captain Alden?
Isaac: He is nowhere to be found.
Cotton: People, wait! Wait! What are you doing?!
Woman: Those damned Barkers! They've cursed too many of us.
Cotton: What have they done?!
Man: Rotted all our winter supply of grain!
Woman: She killed goody Trask!
Cotton: Proof?! Have any of you any proof?!
Man: Make way! You there!
Cotton: The whole town has gone mad! We have got to stop them!
Mr. Hale: Nothing more dangerous than a mob. Best not to intervene.
Cotton: You are magistrate. You represent the law.
Mr. Hale: The law's meaningless without support of the people.
Cotton: Friends! Neighbors! People of Salem, stop! Think what you do!
Man: You know there are witches! You've told us so! And here be three of them! What will you do with them?!
Cotton: If they be witches, we will find out. But this is not the way!
Woman: Would you just let them go?
Cotton: No. No, we put them in the jail! We hold them for the night while passions cool. And then in the clear light of day, we will examine them as the law allows! Every one of us has the right to defend ourselves, to respond to our accusers!
Woman: Mrs. Trask is dead, slaughtered like a lamb!
Cotton: True. Evil has been done this night already. But do not compound it by doing more. Do not rush to do what can never be undone. If they be guilty now, they will be just as guilty in the morning. After a fair trial.
Mr. Hale: Quite right. Men, take them to the jail.
Woman: Witches! Murderers! Murderers! Murderers!
[Indistinct shouting]
Gloriana: Cotton, I think that was the bravest thing I've ever seen.
Like watching a man stick his head inside of a lion's jaws. I would reward you for your bravery.
Cotton: I would gladly accept it, but now is not the time. I cannot deny my feelings. They are real. But I do not want any longer to be your customer. Do you understand?
Gloriana: I think so. Will I ever see you again?
Cotton: Yes. But you must leave me now... Till I sort things out. When I do, everything will be different. I promise.
[Footsteps approaching]
Mary: Wait.
John: Seven years is a long enough time to wait.
Mm.
Mary: Stop.
John: Mary. I know you've dreamt of this. When it comes to dreams, you only got one choice. You forget them... Or you live them. And I'm done trying to forget them.
Mary: And what if in living our dreams they become nightmares?
John: All that matters is you and me.
Mary: You always make everything sound so simple.
John: You don't have any children with Sibley. You can't care about him. You haven't cared about what other people have thought before, so for once... Let's just live for us.
Mary: I wish it were possible.
John: And why isn't it?
Mary: It just isn't. I want you to leave.
John: No.
Mary: I've gotten all I needed from you. Please leave.
John: What happened to you? What are you not telling me? Because this makes no sense. Well... I'm happy to have been of service.
Mary: [Sobs]
[Men shouting in distance]
Cotton: [Sniffing]
What is it?! What's burning?!
Isaac: The Barkers! All of them burned as witches!
Cotton: What?! By whose authority?!
Grim man: Mine.
Cotton: Father.
Increase: I see now I've indulged your curiosity far, far too much. Tsk, tsk, tsk. Look at you. Surrounding yourself with all these feeble tools of reason.
Cotton: But, father, they might have been innocent.
Increase: Innocent? Innocent of what? The family is well-known as wastrels and curs.
Cotton: They had no trial, no examination.
Increase: And they shall receive their trial before the greatest and most merciful of judges.
[Barkers screaming]
You are deemed to be innocent, I trust the Lord will see to their recompense. But you... You... have you turned imbecile? All you do is sow the deadly seeds of doubt. Do you not see, when hunting witches, far better a hundred innocents die than a single solitary witch walks free? Yes! Now, sit you down. Consider your mistakes. Sit.
[Chuckles]
Cotton: Where are you going?
There's no one left to burn at this hour.
Increase: Watch your tongue, boy. You think you're too old to be whipped by your father, hmm? Huh?
[Insects chirping]
Isaac: You're too late.
I thought you were going to save us. But maybe we just don't deserve saving.
Increase: It's a pretty piece of paganism, I'll grant you. But not fit for public viewing.
Mary: That is why it enlightens my bedroom, where only my nearest and dearest are allowed. Like you, my dear Increase. I can't tell you what it means to see you. How was London and the king's court?
Increase: Corrupt, as always. The king has granted us a new charter, full claim on this chosen land of ours, and he promises a new governor in the spring, a man experienced in warfare, to help us purge and eradicate the heathen savages in our midst for now and forever.
Mary: What a tremendous victory for you. For all of us.
Increase: Indeed. When I set sail for home, I was full of elation. I could have sailed on my hopes alone. I should have known that the forces of evil would try to hinder me.
Mary: Who? Agents of the French?
Increase: Witches. Of course, they did all they could. They stilled the winds and trapped the ship. They spread disease and dissent all around. Many died. But they did not die in vain.
Mary: Praise God you made it and landed safely on our shores to lighten our benighted town, like the sun returning after the darkest of nights.
Increase: Mary Sibley, however dark the night, your eyes still shine so brightly. You know, I do believe my good friend George, for all his suffering, is the luckiest man in Salem. And speaking of my friend, I should like to see him. May I?
Mary: He is particularly unwell. Thankfully, he's resting at present.
Increase: Ah.
Mary: You must return tomorrow. I'm sure the very sight of you will cheer him immensely, as it has me. Your presence in Salem can only be a tonic for all of us in these dark times. How long may we enjoy your curative presence in town?
Increase: Why... Until every last Devil's whore of a witch in Salem is dead. | Plan: A: Mary; Q: Who rediscovers her passion for John? A: Mercy; Q: Who is Mary's new apprentice? A: the Grand Rite; Q: What could Mercy help accelerate? A: Magistrate Hale; Q: Who tries to delay a possible threat to the hive? A: Anne; Q: What is the name of Hale's daughter? Summary: Mary rediscovers her passion for John, and her new apprentice Mercy could help accelerate the Grand Rite. Magistrate Hale tries to delay an possible threat to the hive. His daughter, Anne, becomes more suspicious of those around her. |
[Scenes: Outside the Leery Fresh Fish. A couple go up to the door and there is a sign on the door that says Closed due to death in the family. Then a montage of scenes from an empty rooms in the Dawson house, to Dawson in the kitchen looking out the window thinking.]
[Opening Credits]
[Scene: The Funeral Parlor. Dawson is meeting with the salesman walking down the stairs talking about his father.]
Salesman: Your mother... how is she holding up?
Dawson: She cries a lot.
Salesman: I understand. And you? How are you?
Dawson: People ask me that a lot. It's a weird question. Every time I start to give too long of an answer, which I'm starting to do right now, those same people get very uncomfortable. Not you, though, huh? I guess you're an old pro at this.
Salesman: You could say that.
Dawson: I'm fine. [Clears throat] That one.
[Points to a coffin]
Salesman: Very nice choice. Very tasteful.
Dawson: Thank you.
[Scene: Pacey's Boat. Pacey is sitting on the deck of the boat reading a book, when Joey comes walking up to him with a very sad look on her face.]
Joey Hey.
Pacey: Hey. What's with the furrowed brow? Better watch out. You're gonna give yourself a wrinkle. Joey Pacey, I've got some bad news.
Pacey: Aw, why don't you look like you're kidding? Joey Doug gave me a call. He said he's been trying to get in touch with you. He left you a bunch of messages at the restaurant.
Pacey: Yeah, I know. I meant to call him back, but what are you gonna do? Joey You probably should've.
Pacey: What's going on? Joey It's Mitch. Um... he's dead.
Pacey: What? Well, how? [in disbelief] Joey It was a car accident.
Pacey: And I-I-is everybody-- I mean Joey They're all fine. It was just Mitch. He was alone.
Pacey: When did this happen, Jo? Joey It happened a couple of nights ago.
Pacey: Ohh. How's Dawson doing? Joey Well, he's not so good. His father's dead.
Pacey: Right. That's a stupid question. Joey No, you're entitled, believe me. I've said about 800 stupid things to him in the last couple of days, but, um, you want to come with me?
Pacey: Do you really think that I should? Joey What are you talking about?
Pacey: Well, I... maybe he doesn't want me there, Jo. Joey Ok, your father dies tomorrow. You're at the funeral. You look up, and you see Dawson. Would that mean something to you? Would seeing one of your oldest friends mean som
Pacey: Just give me 5 minutes.
[Scene: Potter B&B. Jen and Jack are talking together about Mitch's death.]
Jen: Be right there. Can I talk to you about something?
Jack: Sure.
Jen: I'm nervous.
Jack: About what?
Jen: Seeing him.
Jack: Why?
Jen: Because I don't know what to say.
Jack: I don't think he's expecting you to give a speech, Jen.
Jen: I couldn't sleep last night. I was up and tossing and turning, trying to figure out what to say, how I was gonna act.
Jack: No one ever knows what to say, but when Tim died, you wouldn't believe some of the things that people said to me. But the thing is, no matter what you say or what you do, Dawson is alone in this, ok? There isn't a word or a sentence in the English language that can take away the kind of pain that he's dealing with.
Jen: Well, so then, what do I do?
Jack: You've just gotta figure out your own way of being there for him.
Jen: Ok.
[Scene: Dawson's House. Dawson lies Lilly down to sleep in her crib, then goes over to Gale's room and lightly knocks on the door and looks in to see her asleep. He puts a blanket over here and leaves the room and goes back to his room. He sits down and lies back on her bed, and then has a flashback to his twelfth Birthday, when Mitch came up to him in his room.]
Mitch: You having a good birthday?
Dawson: Yeah, definitely.
Mitch: How's it feel to be 12 years old?
Dawson: Pretty good. I think I'm ready for a girlfriend.
Mitch: Oh, you think so?
Dawson: Yeah.
Mitch: Well, I'd say give it a few years. You've got plenty of time before girls start clouding your head.
Dawson: Ha, ok.
Mitch: Did you like all your gifts?
Dawson: Yeah, I loved 'em, especially the 1941 video.
Mitch: Which was not easy to find, let me tell you.
Dawson: Thank you, dad.
Mitch: Don't mention it. You know, I could be wrong, but I think you've got one more gift coming to you.
Dawson: Nope. I opened them all.
Mitch: Are you sure?
Dawson: Pretty sure.
Mitch: I don't know... I think maybe you better take a look... in the closet. Go on. [Dawson goes to his closet and finds a large bag inside.] Well, come on! Bring it out. Open it up. [He pulls out a camcorder] The guy at the store said it was a real good one for making movies. Great editing capabilities, and it comes with its own tripod.
Dawson: Thank you, dad. Ha ha.
Mitch: You're welcome, Dawson.
Dawson: Dad, this... this must have been really expensive, but you're not gonna regret it. I swear, I'm gonna make so many movies on this. This is not a phase.
Mitch: Oh, don't worry about that, Dawson. Just enjoy it. Let the things you love be your escape.
[Knock on door, and Joey snaps him out of the flashback and is standing in the doorway.]
Joey Dawson?
Dawson: Joey...hey. Joey You're smiling.
Dawson: I was? Joey You were. [she hugs him, but he doesn't really hug her back] Is there anything I can do?
Dawson: Um...yeah, actually. You know what? There is. Would you mind watching lily for a little bit? My mom fell asleep. I've gotta get to the funeral home. Joey Of course.
Dawson: Great.
[Dawson grabs a suit of the back of his door.]
Joey Is that what you're wearing? It's nice.
Dawson: Uh, no. Actually, it's for my dad. He's gonna be buried in it. Joey I'm sorry.
Dawson: Jo, that's ok. You couldn't have known that. I won't be long.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Scene: A series of shot from the funeral. In one Joey grabs his hand in hers, and a couple of sends later he pulls it out to get something out of his coat, and then to Dawson's House after the funeral. Everyone has gathered for a party to honor Mitch's life. Dawson is sitting at the base of the stairs holding Lillian, when Grams comes up to him.]
Grams: Why don't you let me take her for a while, dear?
Dawson: I'm afraid I can't do that, grams. Lily here offers a great buffer. As long as I hold her, people tend not to come up to me and offer their platitudes.
Grams: Where's your mother?
Dawson: She's upstairs. She won't come down. So, what's yours?
Grams: My what?
Dawson: Your platitude.
Grams: I'm afraid I'm fresh out.
Dawson: Really? I thought for sure you'd whip out "the lord works in mysterious ways."
Grams: Hmm. The lord and I, we... we aren't on speaking terms this week.
[Scene: Outside Dawson's House. Joey is looking up at the window that years ago where used to climb into Dawson's Bedroom window. She has a flashback of the day that Mitch put a Ladder there for her to climb up, instead if climbing the trellis.]
[Clank]
Mitch: Listen, Joey... I don't want you climbing up the trellis anymore, ok? It's dangerous. You could hurt yourself, and if that happened, I don't think my son would ever forgive me.
Joey Yeah, right.
Mitch: Sooner or later, Joey, he's gonna pull his head out of the sand. He'll figure it out. Probably not as soon as you'd like, boys are stupid like that. He kisses he on the forehead and then walks away, and she is left looking at the window]
[Scene: Dawson's Kitchen. Dawson is looking in the refrigerator for something to drink when Jen comes into the kitchen to join him.]
Jen: Hey.
Dawson: Hey.
Jen: What you doing?
Dawson: Trying to decide between a glass of orange juice and a bottle of wine. Any thoughts?
Jen: Well, wine's fine, but whiskey's quicker.
Dawson: What about narcotics?
Jen: Oh, even better.
Dawson: You know, times like this, I really wish I was more of a drug person, but I don't know. Starting up just seems like such a hassle.
Jen: Yeah, plus, you can't really score any good dope in Capeside.
Dawson: Good point. Orange juice it is.
Jen: So, I've been trying to figure exactly what it is that I'm supposed to say to you. I feel terrible, Dawson, I really do. I mean, I can't imagine what you're going through, but I feel so helpless. I mean, if this were about a girl, I could offer sage advice, but...this is out of my league. The only person that was ever taken from me was my grandfather, and that was a long time coming, you know. So here's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna give you a hug, and I'm not gonna let go for a really long time. I'm gonna tell you that I love you, which is actually a pretty good deal, 'cause that means that I'll do anything on the off chance it'll make you a little less sad.
[She grabs him and gives him a huge hug.]
Dawson: That sounds very good to me.
[Scene: The Sun room. Gale is sitting on a bench looking out the window, when Joey comes in to join her.]
[Knock on door]
Gale: I, uh, can't believe that he's gone. I keep expecting to hear his car in the driveway, his keys in the lock, footsteps on the stairs. So, how's the party?
Joey It's fabulous. The pate is all the rage.
Gale: And how's our boy? Joey Great. He's keeping it all together.
Gale: Which is exactly what bothers me.
Joey: Me, too.
Gale: He's stubborn, Joey. He's just like his father. Joey You know, I know this probably doesn't mean much now, but he's not really gone, you know. 'Cause if ever there was someone who was an absolute reflection of his father, it's Dawson.
Gale: You think so? Joey You know, growing up, spending that time with you guys... I think I was too little to really understand it, but I--I always knew there was something special about the way you guys looked at each other. Like you were in on this great little secret that the rest of us weren't privy to, and my parents never had that... not even in the best of times. I'm not gonna sit here and--and try to pretend to know what was going through his mind before he died, but... I know your husband loved you very much.
[Scene: the Porch. Pacey is leaving the house, when Dawson who is sitting alone on the porch sees him.]
Dawson: Hey.
Pacey: Dawson. Hey, man.
Dawson: Thanks for comin'.
Pacey: Of Course... but I can't say that this is exactly the way I wanted to see you again for the first time.
Dawson: Yeah, I know what you mean. How was your summer?
Pacey: My summer was really good. It was really, really good, actually. It totally cleared my head.
Dawson: Good.
Pacey: How's film school treatin' ya?
Dawson: Uh... I'm gonna be droppin' out, actually.
Pacey: Why?
Dawson: [Sighs] It's a long story.
Pacey: Gotcha. I'm sorry, Dawson. I wish I had somethin' better to say to you than that, but that's really what it boils down to. I'm really, really sorry.
Dawson: Remember the time he caught us smoking down here?
Pacey: Yeah. I, uh... of course I remember. Sixth grade, right? I don't think I've ever seen your father so mad. Being Mitch, he had to tell us that he was just concerned for us, which was a bit of a surprise to me because if it was my father, it would be kind of a different story. In fact, I guarantee I'd still be smoking to this day just to piss him off.
Dawson: [Laughs] Ahh... well... I should probably head inside and make myself useful or something.
Pacey: All right? It works.
Dawson: [Sighs] It was good to see you, pace.
Pacey: Yeah. [He pulls him in for a hug.] Come here.
[Scene: Inside the house. Dawson runs into an old friend of Gales.]
Friend: Dawson. You probably don't remember me, Dawson, but I'm Susan. I'm an old friend of your mother's from college.
Dawson: Right. You're my mom's deadhead friend.
Friend: [Laughs] That's right. Uh, tell me, are you dealing with your grief?
Dawson: Uh... I'm dealing.
Friend: How are you dealing with it?
Dawson: Um, not to be rude, but I--I don't know what you're talking about.
Friend: Where are you channeling all the feelings you're having about your father's passing?
Dawson: Um... you know, not to be rude again, but I really don't have the time or the luxury.
[Telephone rings]
Friend: Oh, you must take the time, Dawson.
[The answering machine picks up]
Mitch Voice: Hi. You've reached the Leerys... minus Dawson, that is, who can be reached in sunny California these days. If you have a message for Gale,
Llily, or myself, however, you can leave it at
[Dawson continuously tries to get the machine to stop, and when he finally can't he rips it out of the wall. Everyone is looking at him worryingly, and Jack tries to say something to him but Dawson pushes his hand away.]
Jack: Hey.
Dawson: I'm fine. I'm... I'm fine.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Scene: The Pier outside. Joey comes into to try and comfort Dawson in any way she can.]
Dawson: [Clears throat] Not one of my finer moments, huh?
Joey You know, a long time ago-- it must have been a couple of months after my mom passed away-- I was digging through this drawer in the kitchen looking for a pen or something, and I came across this grocery list she had made, and it was filled with all these little heart-shaped doodles, and I just...lost it. I cried like a baby for hours. If what just happened to you in there had happened to me back then, I would have run away screaming.
Dawson: I can't do that. Joey Who says?
Dawson: I do. I can't. My mom's a wreck. I gotta keep it together. Joey She's allowed to be a wreck, and so are you. I'll make you a deal. You take care of your mom, I'll take care of you.
Dawson: I gotta say, Jo, I-- when your mom died, I sympathized with you, and I really felt bad, but I had no idea it felt like this. Nothing feels real. It's like I've been transported to some alternate universe where I'm just walking around outside my body all day long. Joey It'll get better. I promise.
Dawson: That's good. Any, uh, advice on how I should deal with the fact that my father's death was almost entirely my fault? Joey What? How do you figure that?
Dawson: Come on, Jo. Think about it. If I hadn't come back and laid all this on him, none of this would've happened. Joey Dawson, look at me. You father died in a car accident. There was nothing you could do to stop that.
Dawson: That's not entirely true, Jo. That's, I mean... first off, if I hadn't showed up that morning, my mom wouldn't have made me breakfast, which means they wouldn't have run out of milk, which means my dad wouldn't have had to drive to the store that night so lily would have some in the morning. Joey That's crazy.
Dawson: Don't tell me what's crazy, Jo. For all I know, my dad was driving along that night, pissed, having some argument with me in his head which caused him to take his eyes off the road just long enough to Joey Look, you can't do this to yourself.
Dawson: [Sighs] You--you know what he said to me the last time I saw him? Joey Hmm?
Dawson: He said that I was making a huge mistake and that he was disappointed in me. Joey I know. You told me that. You remember what else you told me? He said he loved you very much.
Dawson: I'll never go through life doubting that my father loved me, Jo, but... do you have any idea how much it sucks to know that my father was disappointed in me the day he died? And he was right. I was acting crazy like a spoiled brat, and if I'd listened to him, he would've been driving me to the airport instead of driving to his death.
[Scene: Outside. Gale is leaning against a tree wiping the tears from her eyes, when Grams comes up to her.]
Grams: You all right, dear?
Gale: Oh, I'm hanging in there, I guess.
Grams: You know, every night for 46 years, I prayed the good lord would take me first. I never wanted to go on without him. I didn't think I was capable of it. But somehow, I was. It wasn't easy, but inevitably there comes a day that isn't as bad as the one before it.
Gale: And until then?
Grams: Well, that's what prescription medication is for.
[Both chuckle]
Grams: Oh, it's a strange thing we do.
Gale: What's that?
Grams: Falling in love. You share your life with another person. You--you give them your heart to the extent that losing them could potentially destroy you. It's a crazy thing to do.
Gale: You're right. It's insane.
Grams: Then why on earth do we do it?
Gale: What else is there?
[They Hug]
Grams: Oh, I wish I still lived next door.
Gale: So do I.
Grams: I could stay for a while if you like, help out with Llily.
Gale: Oh, that is such a generous offer, Evelyn, and I do love you for it, but, um... [Sniffles] No, I--I think Dawson and I are gonna have to meet this one head on.
Grams: You sure?
Gale: [Sighs] I'm sure.
Grams: Well, I understand, but don't you hesitate to pick up the phone, young lady. We merry widows have to stick together.
Gale: [Laughs faintly]
[Scene: A montage of shots of the Dawson house as the party is thinning out. Then to Dawson's Room. Dawson is lying down on his bed when Joey comes in to see if he is okay.]
Joey Hey.
Dawson: Hey. Joey Everyone's starting to leave.
Dawson: I'll see ya. Joey I can stay as long as you want.
Dawson: That's sweet of you, Jo. Joey I'm serious.
Dawson: I know you are, but you gotta get back to school. Joey School doesn't matter right now, Dawson.
Dawson: I'll be ok. Joey Dawson.
Dawson: Joey, I wanna be alone. Ok? Joey Ok. Call me if you need me. Will you do that?
Dawson: I will. Joey Bye.
[Scene: Outside the Potter B&B. Joey is sitting on the Porch, when Pacey comes out to join her.]
Pacey: You know, I can't say as I have ever seen the Potter B&B quite so crowded.
Joey Nothin' like a funeral to drum up business.
Pacey: [Sighs] You wanna know what the worst part about death is? It has this horrible tendency of putting everyone in a really bad mood. When I go, I want to go in a way in which it makes everybody laugh. You know, like, no matter how sudden or tragic the circumstances, you just can't help but laugh... like getting run over by a car full of clowns. That's kinda funny, right? You smiled. Mission accomplished. Joey He blames himself, you know.
Pacey: Why? Joey Well... he wanted to drop out of USC and move to Boston, and Mitch thought he was crazy, and they had this huge blowout.
Pacey: Why on earth would Dawson Leery, of all people, want to drop out of film school? [Looks over at Joey and then knows.]Oh. Heh. I get it. It's ok. You can tell me, Jo. I'm not gonna get upset. Joey Oh, Pace, I didn't ask him to, if that's what you mean.
Pacey: I-- oh, look. If anybody understands the various shades of gray here, it's me, and I think it's time the two of you got your shot... because the way I see it, you never did, and this world could use as many Romeo and Juliet's as it can get. Joey Look what happened to them.
[Scene: Lillian's Room. Gale looks into the room and has a flashback of the day Mitch was setting up Dawson's Crib.]
[Mitch grunts]
Mitch: This thing's gonna be tip-top, baby. Don't you worry.
Gale: Oh, I'm not worried. I'll just call someone to fix it when the bottom falls out.
Mitch: [Laughs] Oh, ye of little faith. Mrs. Leery, have I ever let you down?
Gale: No, Mr. Leery, you haven't.
Mitch: What do you think he's gonna be?
Gale: If he's anything like you, a pain in the ass.
Mitch: A lot of fathers want their sons to play baseball. Not me. Team sports teach conformity. I hope he's a freak.
Gale: A freak?
Mitch: Yeah. Freaks never peak in high school. They never grow up to sell real estate, drink heavily on the weekends, and beat their kids.
Gale: Well, then, let's hope for a freak.
[Dawson comes into the room, snapping her out of her flashback.]
Dawson: Mom, you ok?
Gale: Uh... yeah. For the moment. You wanna know what the worst part is?
Dawson: What?
Gale: She'll never even know he existed.
Dawson: Not if I have anything to do about it. She's gonna hear about her daddy every chance I get.
Gale: [Crying] Oh, I'm such a mess. I'm sorry, honey.
Dawson: Mom, don't ever apologize.
Gale: You are gonna get your life back, I promise.
Dawson: Mom, I'm not going anywhere. Not anytime soon. My place is here with you and Lily.
Gale: Honey, you don't have to be so strong all the time. You can fall to pieces just about any time you want. There's nothing to be ashamed of.
Dawson: I'm not ashamed. There's-- everybody keeps on asking me, "How you doin'? How you feelin'?" Truth is, I don't feel anything. Not a thing. I'm numb. Which, to tell you the truth, is really not so bad.
Gale: Um, that's great... until it all comes crumbling down.
Dawson: Well...until then.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Scene: Outside Dawson's House. Pacey pulls up the house, and looks out of the back of the car and sees some flowers on the side of the house. Pacey has a flashback to the day that Mitch taught him how to drive.]
Mitch: Ok, Pacey, now... got your foot on the brake? Ok, put her in reverse... and gently-- ohh, ooh. Careful. Watch the flowers. Heh heh. My wife will have me killed. And park. There you go, Pacey. You did it. You know how to drive. Not terribly well, mind you, but good enough to pass that test.
Pacey: Thank you for your help, Mr. Leery.
Mitch: It's my pleasure. Just sorry your father had to work.
Pacey: [Quietly] Yeah, me, too.
Mitch: Go easy on him, Pacey. Can't always be fun being sheriff of these parts.
Pacey: I guess I just wish he was around more.
Mitch: Listen, you ever wanna practice, you knock on my door. Ok?
Pacey: Ok.
[Pacey goes up to the house and knocks on the door, and Dawson opens the door.]
Pacey: Hey, man. How ya doing today?
Dawson: He's still dead. It still sucks.
Pacey: Wanna go for a ride with me?
[Scene: the Side of a road, where Mitch's accident was. There are tread marks on the road, where the accident happened. Pacey pulls the car over.]
Dawson: What the hell are we doing here?
Pacey: Wanna show you something.
[Pacey gets out of the car and Dawson follows]
Pacey: According to my brother, your father was driving down the road here at about 45 miles an hour. Which is, granted, a little bit above the speed limit, but not at all unusual for this stretch of road. At the same time, a man named Gary Peters was getting off work, driving down the road a little farther up, just around the bend. Gary Peters is a pretty average guy. 35 years old, wife, 2 kids. Works as a baggage handler for blue star airlines. And Gary had to pull a double shift that day, and it must've been a real bitch 'cause when he came around that bend, he was asleep at the wheel.
Dawson: Why are you doing this, Pacey?
Pacey: Why? Because I want you to know that it was a man named Gary Peters who killed your father. A guy who should've known better than to get behind the wheel of a car. A guy who, for the rest of his life, will carry around the guilt of taking Mitch leery away from his wife and 2 kids. And I want you to know that that guy is not you. It's not you, Dawson. Do not blame yourself for this. You wanna grieve? You go right ahead. Be my guest. But do not for one single second think that this is your fault, because it is not your fault. You got your father for 18 years... and that is a hell of a lot more than some people get. And your father did one hell of a job, Dawson. He made you into a man. And he made you into a man that people care about and admire and respect and most importantly, love. So, why am I doing this? I'm doing this because, once upon a time, you and I were best friends. And that means that whenever you need me, I'm here. Any time, anywhere, any place. Forever. You understand that?
Dawson: We should get going.
[Scene: Joey's Dorm room. Joey is unpacking while Audrey is talking to her.]
Audrey: What was he like?
Joey Well, he was a dad. You know, in the best possible way, I mean. He was warm and caring and just the kind of pain in the ass you secretly want your parents to be.
Audrey: How's Dawson doing? Joey I wouldn't know. Didn't want anything to do with me. I thought I'd be able to help him. I thought I would be this incredible resource 'cause I've been there, you know? He didn't want anything from me. He didn't even just wanna sit there in silence. He wanted me out of his sight.
[Joey collapses on her bed holding her head in her hands, and Audrey comes over and sits next to her and tries awkwardly to comfort her.]
[Scene: Dawson's Kitchen. Dawson is eating at the table when Gale gets up and goes over to the Refrigerator.]
Gale: Honey?
Dawson: Yeah?
Gale: We're outta milk. Would you mind-- [Sobbing she slams the carton down and goes to the sink sobbing]
[Dawson gets up and puts his dishes in the sink, tries to confort her, and then leaves.]
[Scene: The local store. Dawson is buying some milk, when the owner begins talking to him.]
Mr. Brennan: I can't tell you how sorry I am for your loss, Dawson.
Dawson: Thank you, Mr. Brennan. I appreciate it.
Mr. Brennan: He was here, you know. That night. Your father.
Dawson: I know. I asked him about you.
Mr. Brennan: He said, uh, you were a royal pain in the ass.
Dawson: [Chuckles] That's me.
Mr. Brennan: He was proud, though. How do I know that, huh? Well, when I mentioned your name, his whole face just lit up. He said you were this brave kid, but he had no idea how you got to be that way. He said you had a romantic streak a mile long, and he said he was proud to know you. I'm sorry if that makes you sad, Dawson, but I figure if somebody says that about you, you ought to know it. Oh, don't forget your change. And be certain to convey my condolences to your mother, would you?
Dawson: Thank you. I will.
[Dawson goes outside and gets into his Jeep, and then finally breaks down crying.]
[Scene: Outside the Dawson House. A Flashback of a day where Mitch is trying to take a family picture of Him, Gale, Dawson and Lillian, with his new camera.]
Mitch: All right! I think I've got it figured out. Ok, quick. Let's go, everybody. Gather. Hurry up,
Dawson: 'cause what this family really needs is another picture.
Gale: Oh, don't be so fresh.
Mitch: Yeah. Lose the 'tude, dude.
Dawson: Clever, dad.
Mitch: Smiles, people.
Dawson: All right. Great! That was wonderful. I am now late for the movies with Joey, Jack, and Jen.
Gale: Have fun, honey.
Mitch: No drinking and driving.
Dawson: Hey, dad, just so you know, going to the movies is not code for going out and getting wasted.
Mitch: Go, go, go. Get out of here. Have fun.
Dawson: Later, creators.
[Dawson leaves]
Gale: Well, this one's hungry.
Mitch: Uh, need some help?
Gale: Nah. Stay and play with your camera. Boys and their toys.
Mitch: [Laughs]
[Mitch watches her come in, and then begins to look all around and has a huge proud look on her face.] | Plan: A: Capeside; Q: Where does the group reconnect to support Dawson at his father's funeral? A: an emotional attempt; Q: What does Pacey do to convince Dawson that he is not to blame for his father's death? A: Lily; Q: Who will never remember her father? Summary: The group reconnects back in Capeside in order to support Dawson at the funeral of his father. They make separate attempts to let him know they are there for him; Pacey makes an emotional attempt at convincing Dawson that he was not to blame for his father's death. Dawson and Gail are devastated that Lily will never remember her father. |
[PREVIOUSLY_ON]
Brooke : Millie was right. Alex Dupre is the perfect choice to be the face of the new campaign.
Millicent : Alex, Millicent Huxtable, Clothes Over Bros. Welcome to Tree Hill.
Alex : Thank you.
Brooke : I want you to move your stuff in, okay? This is our house now, not just mine.
Haley : Quinn, what actually happened between you and David?
Quinn : He used to see the world exactly the way I saw it. He just doesn't anymore.
Dan : Ladies and gentlemen, my wife and the love of my life.
Clay : That night after your big game against Memphis, we had that party. We were pretty wasted that night.
Nathan : Yeah. So?
Clay : Well, that was three months ago. She's three months pregnant, Nate.
Nathan : What do you want from me? Huh?
Renée : Hi, Nathan.
Nathan : You need to stop this now, Okay? Do you hear me? Why are you doing this to me?
AT BROOKE'S HOUSE
Julian : Brooke, I'm shaving.
Brooke : Got to go. I'm late. I have a big day. I love you. Bye.
AT MOUTH'S APPARTMENT
Skills : I'm gonna kill you, Mouth.
AT THE HOTEL ROOM
Millicent : Alex? Oh, well, at least she's awake. Alex, come on! We got to go!
Alex : Oh, my God. Keep it down. I'm so tired.
Millicent : You've been out all night?
Alex : I have to sleep.
Millicent : But the shower.
Alex : I leave it on. I like the sound of the rain. Now I have to sleep. Go away.
Millicent : No, no. Alex, you have a photo shoot in, like, now. You have to get up.
Alex : I can't hear you. I'm asleep. Oh, there's a sheep. Hello, counting sheep. You're funny.
Millicent : Well, there goes your counting sheep with your half million dollars. Bye.
Alex : Can I just say that I hate you?
Millicent : Mmhmm.
Alex : Oh, it's cold!
Millicent : You shouldn't have left it on, you jerk.
AT MOUTH'S APPARTMENT
Skills : Man, that guy's such a jerk. You don't do that to no brother. No. Nah, you want to strip down and parade your little flaccid business around the apartment, That's cool. Go ahead with your naked ass. But this time, you done went too far. It's cheap, it's mean, and it's crossing the line. Okay, time to man up. Emergency situation. Life or death. What do you do? What do you do? Who do you call? Mmhmm. Hey, yo, Jamie Scott. I need your help.
AT MOUTH'S OFFICE
CEO : McFadden. You're friends with Nathan Scott, aren't you?
Mouth : Yeah, old friends. Why?
CEO : Anything going on with him?
Mouth : He's in a contract year.
CEO : Right. Whatever. A friend of mine was having lunch yesterday. He said he had some sort of a misunderstanding with a woman in a restaurant.
Mouth : Okay.
CEO : It might be newsworthy.
Mouth : You're kidding, right? Well, I had a disagreement yesterday at lunch with Jerry over who got the last slice of key lime pie. It's not exactly news.
CEO : And you're not exactly newsworthy. He is. Check it out. Mouth, if there's nothing there, there's nothing there. But I fired you'd want to be the one to find out.
AT SCOTT'S HOUSE
Nathan : You know I didn't do anything, right? I did not sleep with her or do anything else.
Haley : You have your arm around her.
Nathan : I get asked to take a lot of pictures.
Haley : You have your arm around her at a party with a beer and a smile.
Nathan : Haley...
Haley : I get it, Nathan. You got married in high school, and you had a son at graduation, and you didn't have time to go out and party with your friends and... drunken sluts with perfect teeth.
Nathan : I just took a picture with her. That's all.
Haley : But it looks bad, Nathan. And she's smart enough to know that. You should be, too.
AT TV BROADCAST
Dan : What they see is who you'll be. Entertainment is news. Gossip is news. Rumor is news. And the truth... Well... that's negotiable. Or is it? You see, I say the truth is absolute. I say the truth is not afraid. And the truth is...
Man : You're a murderer! A murderer... that's what you are! Go ahead! Tell them the truth, Dan! Tell them what you are! You're a murderer, is what you are! How do you sleep at night?! How do you look at yourself in the mirror?! Murderer! Murderer! Murderer!
Director : Should we cut? Mrs. Scott? Rachel, should we cut?
Rachel : No. Keep rolling.
Director : But the guy called him a murderer.
Rachel : So? He is one.
AT CLOTHES OVER BROS
Brooke : Hey, I'm so happy we could make this work. Haley's been showing me a ton of your work, and I am such a fan.
Quinn : Thank you, Brooke. You know, I wear your designs quite a bit, and I really feel like I can capture the energy that you're after with all the new designs. Plus, I am so excited to shoot Alex Dupre. I mean, what is she like?
Brooke : Wow. She's like... That. Alex, what happened to you?
Alex : Jet lag.
Brooke : Jet lag, my foot. You flew in from New York. Are you hung over?
Alex : I... I just need my pills.
Brooke : Excuse me? You just got out of rehab. What is that? What did you just take?!
Alex : Vitamins?
Brooke : No. No. Give it.
Millicent : Ew.
Alex : They're just vitamins, you hags.
Brooke : Hags? Half a million dollars. Sit. You might want to start with a little lyingslut remover.
Millicent : This is our rejuvenation cream. It does wonders for jet lag, but it smells a little bad. Whatever. You know you farted. I did not fart.
Alex : That's too bad, 'cause I just did.
AT MOUTH'S APPARTMENT
Jamie : Tell me again what this thing look like.
Skills : What's that magical thing called? I think they call him Puff.
Jamie : The magic dragon?
Skills :Yeah, that's exactly what it looked like... a dragon. But it was like Puff's evil twin. Oh, man.
Jamie : Cool. Skills :See, Mouth knows I'm scared of creatures, right?
Jamie : Mmhmm. Skills :That's why I know he did this on purpose. You think you can catch it?
Jamie : We can catch it. Skills :You can catch it.
AT CLOTHES OVER BROS
Julian : The new Cameron Crowe film, right? Perfect. Yeah. Okay, thanks for letting me know.
Brooke : Hi. Are you gonna work on a Cameron Crowe movie?
Julian : No, that was the video store. I'm just renting one.
Brooke : Oh.
Julian : I got coffees. Mocha double latte, extra foam.
Brooke : Thank you.
Julian : Mocha double latte, no foam.
Millicent : Thank you.
Julian : And coffee, black, two sugars. I called Haley.
Quinn : Oh, thanks.
Julian : Julian.
Quinn : Quinn. You made out in my bed.
Brooke : Hey!
Quinn : Hey, so did you.
Julian : Sorry about that.
Alex : Hello. Hot P.A. boy. Hi.
Brooke : Oh, you must be Alex.
Alex : You must be yummy. What'd you get me?
Brooke : You get chocolate, perfect for alleged jet lag. Word's on the street. And the entertainment trades... barely read.
Alex : Mmm. I like him.
Brooke : Yeah, well, you got a little competition on that one.
Alex : Please, you're way too old for him.
ON THE RIVER COURT
Clay : So... grand and she signs a confidentiality agreement. She goes away, and you have nothing to do with the kid.
Nathan : I already have nothing to do with the kid. It's not mine. Why is she doing this to me?
Clay : Because you make a lot of money, and because you're in the middle of a very public contract negotiation with a team that cares about its image and the only team that you want to play for. Which leads me to this. Maybe we pay her.
Nathan : Tell me you did not just say that.
Clay : I did, because I'm your agent, and I wouldn't be a very good one if I didn't least point out the fact that she could do a hell of a lot of damage If she went public with this or filed a paternity suit.
Nathan : It's not true. I'll take a blood test.
Clay : And by that point, the damage could be done. Nate, your next contract could be worth $ 18 million to $ 20 million minimum, Not to mention the endorsement deals that are predicated on the fact that Nathan Scott is a good guy, he's a good father, and he's a family man.
Nathan : She's lying.
Clay : So she's lying. You know the way it works, man. They print the accusation on the front page and the retraction on the back.
Nathan : If I pay her, then I'm saying that I did it.
Clay : I disagree. I think you're paying a little for a lot, and that's all. And all I'm saying is that it's a valid option we should at least consider before she... goes public. Great. Here comes the press.
Mouth : Hey, Nate,
Nathan : Hey.
Mouth : Clay. Hey. Nate, can I talk to you?
Clay : About what?
Nathan : Clay. I'm cool. I'll catch up with you.
Clay : Nate...
Nathan : I just want to talk to an old friend, okay?
Clay : Okay.
Mouth : How you doing?
Nathan : That depends. Are you here as a reporter or as a friend?
Mouth : Well, it depends on what's going on. My station manager had a friend in the restaurant where you had lunch yesterday... said you were upset about something.
Nathan : Yeah.
Mouth : Listen, if you need someone to talk to, I'm here as a friend, off the record.
Nathan : Off the record? There's a girl who's threatening to file a paternity suit against me unless I pay her a couple hundred thousand dollars to keep her quiet.
Mouth : Geez, Nate. I'm sorry.
Nathan : Yeah. I didn't do it. I don't even know her.
Mouth : Good. I'm glad. Does Haley know?
Nathan : Yeah.
Mouth : What are you gonna do about it?
Nathan : I don't know. What are you gonna do about it?
Mouth : Nothing. Look, I should get back, but you let me know if you need anything, okay?
Nathan : Yes. Mouth... Thanks. But, look, if this thing turns into something... she files a paternity suit, whatever... You do what you have to do.
Mouth : I hope it doesn't come to that.
Nathan : Yeah. Me too.
ON THE ROOF OF CLOTHES OVER BROS
Quinn : Okay, I'm good. Why don't you two step in for a couple of test shots?
Brooke : Sure. Come pose with me.
Quinn : Hold it.
Alex : He is so cute. With big hands. He probably has a really big thingy.
Millicent : You do know that's Brooke's boyfriend, yes? As in "serious boyfriend."
Alex : She dates a P.A.?
Millicent : He's not a P.A. He's a producer ... Yeah, she dates the P.A.
Alex : No, you said he's a producer.
Millicent : Mnhmnh.
Alex : As in movie producer.
Millicent : No, I didn't.
Alex : Julian. Julian. Oh, my God, he's Julian Baker. I heard that they were dating. Damn.
Make-up man : Okay, she's ready.
Alex : How do I look?
Make-up man : Oh, fabulous.
Alex : I didn't ask the help. How do I look, Millie?
Millicent : You want my opinion?
Alex : Of course. You're the only one who tells me the frickin' truth around here.
Millicent : You look amazing.
Alex : I know. I'm such a slut. All right, bitches. Let's do this.
Make-up man : I hate her.
Millicent : Yeah.
AT TV BROADCAST
Dan : Let's talk about today's disruption. That man wasn't wrong. We were talking about the truth, and what he said... was true. I am a murderer. But I won't hide from that. I can't hide from that. I step... into the harsh light... of the truth. Because, when you stand in the light...
Public : You get yourself right.
Dan : You find forgiveness. You find happiness. You find love. I found love. You all remember my producer, Rachel, who also happens to be my wife. I remember the night we met. It was so romantic.
Rachel : Incredibly romantic.
Rachel : Dan Scott?
Dan : Nice ass.
Dan : Our courtship was oldfashioned...
Rachel : Whew!
Dan :... chaste.
Rachel : Not bad for a guy with a bad heart.
Dan : Well, spend the night, and we'll see if you can kill me.
Rachel : It'll cost you... a lot.
Dan : It's okay. I'm rich, and I'm dying.
Rachel : Works for me.
Rachel : He had all of the things I was interested in.
Dan : So did you, sweetheart.
AT MOUTH'S APPARTMENT
Skills : Wait, wait, wait. Hold on, man. You sure you don't want to use the net or something? That thing is terrible.
Jamie : I think I'll be okay. So, how come Mouth wants you to move out?
Skills : It's just that he want this place all to himself with Millie.
Jamie : You can move into Miss Lauren's.
Skills : Yeah, I... wait, listen, man. Now, we gonna catch this thing or what?
Jamie : I'm not so sure anymore. I might need a little convincing.
Skills : Forget it.
Jamie : Okay. I guess it'll just have to stay in the bathtub.
Skills : Wait, wait, wait, wait. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Okay, okay. Uh, here's 10 bucks.
Jamie : Which is just enough to catch a mouse or maybe a guinea pig. Now, that's dragon money. Okay, wait here.
Skills : Okay. Wait, hold on. Be careful. Look out!
Jamie : I named him Percy.
Skills : Aah!
AT CLOTHES OVER BROS
Millicent : You're doing great, Alex. Do you need anything?
Alex : Just some more water, please. Thank you.
Brooke : You're looking at that thing like there's a ghost calling you.
Quinn : There is. Husband troubles.
Brooke : I'm sorry.
Quinn : Yeah, me too. You know, you and Julian seem so happy.
Brooke : Mm, we are. But I think he's bored out of his mind. He just gave up a movie to be with me.
Quinn : And I'm sure he's glad that he did. You know, in our case, I think part of the problem was knowing what to give up for each other and what to hold on to for ourselves.
Brooke : Yeah.
AT SCOTT'S HOUSE
Nathan : Hi.
Haley : Hi.
Nathan : I'm sorry.
Haley : I know. I just wish there was a way to make all this go away.
Nathan : There is.
AT CLAY'S HOUSE
Haley : You want to pay her?! You know full well this lying whore didn't sleep with Nathan, and you want to pay her $200,000?!
Clay : Whoa, I don't want to. I simply suggest that it was an option.
Haley : It's not an option, Clay. And while we're suggesting things, let me suggest that you are a the reason why this is happening right now.
Clay : Ok.
Haley : You love it... the parties, the women... and you love having Nathan alongside you more than anything else.
Clay : That's not fair.
Haley : No? The picture... the one of that woman draped all over my husband... What party was that at, Clay? Who threw that party? I'm not saying you don't love him, 'cause I know you do, but you love having him at your side more than anything else. You could have protected him from this.
Clay : How, Haley? He's a grown man.
Haley : So are you. Start acting like it.
AT MOUTH'S APPARTMENT
Jamie : I don't think it's very fair... that Mouth wants you to move out, I mean.
Skills : Man, how could you even look at that thing? Ugh!
Jamie : It's cool.
Skills : It's gross. That's what it is. You sure it ain't gonna get out?
Jamie : I'm sure.
Skills : All right. Anyway, thanks for seeing things my way, man. Good looking out, bro.
Jamie : I just think it's your place, too.
Skills : That's what I'm saying.
Jamie : Well, what did he say?
Skills : What?
Jamie : When you told him this was your place, too, what did he say?
Skills : Oh, well, I didn't exactly get to talk to him about it. Look, I didn't have time. He stripped off his drawer and I had to fight fire with fire.
Jamie : You guys are weird.
Skills : Anyway, he already know that if I move out, Miss Lauren gonna want me to move in with her, or get a place of our own, and I do not need that kind of pressure.
Jamie : Well, don't you like Miss Lauren?
Skills : Of course I do. I love Miss Lauren.
Jamie : Well, if you love her, why wouldn't you want to be with her?
Skills : Dude, I brought you over here to help me catch this little dragony thing, not to give me grief about my commitment issues. Now, come on. Let's get you home.
Jamie : Okay.
Skills : Wait, wait, wait. Hold on. What about the thing?
Jamie : What about it? Its name is Percy, and it eats bugs and stuff.
Skills : No, no, no, no, no. You catch it, you keep it.
Jamie : I already have Chester. Maybe you can trade Percy in at the pet store and get something else. Either way, you should talk to Mouth. He is your friend.
AT CLAY'S HOUSE
Clay : I'm sorry. Everything you said was true. I love Nate and you and Jamie. And I should have done better by all of you, and I'm sorry.
Haley : We're not paying her.
Clay : And if that's what you decide, then of course we're not. But it's not my dream, and it's not your dream. In part it is, but this is Nathan's dream. He's worked so damn hard for it, and he deserves it, and I just want to protect it. I mean, for him and for you.
Haley : This isn't fair.
Clay : I know it's not, but if paying this woman the money he makes off one commercial protects Jamie from all of this, if it keeps his name safe and his career safe and you both finally get what you've been chasing forever, I think it's something we should consider. It's not fair, Hales. But none of this is.
AT TV BROADCAST
Dan : Do you believe in redemption?
Rachel : I believe in money. So what's your story, anyway? Just hang out in strip clubs, waiting to die?
Dan : Could be worse.
Rachel : Could be better.
* just a matter of time *
Rachel : Lucas' novel.
Dan : Yeah. Reminds me of who I used to be.
Rachel : You do know you're the villain in this?
Dan : The villain has power.
Rachel : I'm in here. I'm naked on the river court.
Dan : I know. Page 88. It's bookmarked. * ...might take its own course *
Rachel : So, what's with the self-help books? Best seller. Best seller. People are so lazy. Instead of changing their bad habits, they just buy a book.
Dan : No, people aren't lazy. They're afraid. They're afraid of dying without leaving their mark on the world.
Rachel : 'Cause they're lazy. What about you?
Dan : Hmm. I left my mark on the world. I just can't seem to die. But I do know one thing. If people saw my life, they'd feel a lot better about theirs. * know that we've tried * * it might scatter and fade * * with time * * all things must change * * the road... *
Rachel : You want to get out of here? * ...might take its own course *
Dan : I can't.
Rachel : Sure you can. We both can. * mama, we're still your boys *
Rachel : Hey. Don't drink that. I need you. * and you gave it all back to us *
AT CLOTHES OVER BROS
Alex : Hi. Thanks for the trades. I was going crazy without news from the real world.
Julian : This is the real world, Alex.
Alex : Not for us.
Julian : Well, it's too bad about your last movie falling apart, you were good in it.
Alex : Oh, my God. Those wigs made your head so itchy. After every take, I was like, "uhh!" Oh, crap. I'm stuck in my extensions. A little help? So, how come you're not doing that movie in New Zealand? Ow. I slept with a couple actors on it. And a few crew guys. Maybe at the same time. Anyway, how me you're not doing it?
Julian : I'm... just looking for something else.
Alex : Well... I have something else you might like. Thanks. P.S. You're totally cute.
ON THE ROOF OF CLOTHES OVER BROS
Haley : Hey.
Brooke : Hi.
Haley : How's she doing?
Brooke : Your sister? She's amazing. And believe it or not, this knucklehead actress might actually be worth it.
Haley : Oh, great.
Brooke : How you doing?
Haley : Good.
Brooke : Haley?
Haley : Not good.
Haley : It's really sucks you know. Everything was going so great for us, and this woman comes along and just turns our whole world upside down.
Brooke : Hales, you know I've been in the tabloids as much as anybody. They lie all the time.
Quinn : And people will give Nathan the benefit of the doubt. You know that, Haley Bob.
Alex : Unless he did it. My best friend Katie accused this guy of getting her pregnant, and it turns out he totally did it. He had to give her like a butt load of money, and then she got an abortion and bought the raddest fur coat. Like way rad.
Brooke : We need a drink.
Alex : Yeah.
Brooke : Not you. Millicent, come get her!
AT MOUTH'S OFFICE
CEO : McFadden. Hey, what's the story with Nathan Scott?
Mouth : Nothing. There is no story.
AT TRIC
Haley : Here's my problem with paying her. It's not the money. I mean, it is the money, but what if it comes out that we paid some pregnant lady to buy her silence?
Brooke : She would never be able to talk about it. She'd have to sign a confidentiality agreement.
Haley : What gonna stop her from doing that? I mean, since we're clearly dealing with such a trustworthy human being.
Brooke : Right.
Quinn : I don't understand. The woman claims that she's pregnant, you know, and that Nathan's the father, but in this day and age, you can prove that kind of thing so easily, you know, with an amniocentesis or eventually a blood test, so...
Haley : He didn't do it. He said he didn't do it, so I believe him.
Quinn : Okay, of course, but then...
Brooke : Look, she's hoping that Nathan caves. She's pregnant, she doesn't have any money, and she knows that Nathan Scott has a lot to lose, so why not take a shot? I say you call her bluff and don't pay the dumb bitch a dime.
Haley : That's what I said, but it's gonna go public, and it's gonna affect Jamie, and Nathan's basketball contract is up for renewal.
Millicent : Hi.
Alls : Hi.
Millicent : I'll be right back. Alex, you can't drink those.
Alex : Fine! But love tequila. Used to. Here. You drink them, and I'll just have the lime.
Millicent : No.
Alex : Please? Pretty, pretty, pretty please?
Millicent : Mmm.
* now the ocean tides come up with the moon * * I'm afraid we're all living... *
Millicent : Ugh!
Alex : Nice! Are we drunk yet?
Millicent : We're buzzed.
Alex : Oh, I miss being buzzed. Okay, don't tell any of the boys that I'm sober. That way, if I do anything slutty, I can still blame the booze. Thanks, Millie. See ya.
Haley : So, the photo shoot went well?
Brooke : It went great, actually. This one's kind of good at her job for being a James.
Quinn : Former James. Possibly future James. But thank you. You know, I used to make Haley Bob pose for me all the time. Remember, Hales?
Haley : Sorry. I'm sorry, you guys. I really appreciate this, but I'm gonna go talk to Nathan. I'll catch up with you later.
Brooke : Hey. I'm here for anything.
Haley : I know. Thank you.
Quinn : I'll see you at home.
Haley : Ok.
Brooke : You know what? I should probably go get some work done. Do you want to go?
Quinn : No, I think I'm gonna stay here.
Brooke : Do you want to talk about it?
Quinn : Truthfully, I want to drink about it.
Brooke : Okay. You did great work today, Quinn.
Quinn : Thank you so much, Brooke.
Brooke : Yeah. * till the family relents and you get yourself pissed * * and suddenly everyone has got some advice * * you sell their suggestions without thinking twice *
AT MOUTH'S APPARTMENT
Skills : Mouth. Yeah, ha ha, very funny. You got me good, too, man. No, I did not scream like a little girl. No, I did not. Yeah, well, you would scream like a little girl, too, if a reptile ambushed you like that. Look, anyway, I want to call a truce. So, we need to talk when you get home later, all right? No, it was just something Jamie said. So, I guess I'll see you later, and I guess I'll try and explain it to you. All right, bro. All right. Later.
* ...was born in the spring * * born in the spring * * born in the spring * * born in the spring * * 'cause everyone's gone * * we all die, don't you know? * * are you so disappointed that it all was a show? * * and the first love you had was the only thing real *
AT SCOTT'S OUSE
Nathan : How am I gonna explain this to him?
Haley : Maybe you won't have to.
* and we're brought here together... * * still I wish that I... *
Haley : I... I hate that somebody can do this to you and get away with it, Nathan... I do. But... you're the one who fought as hard as you did to get where you are now, And you're the one who never gave up yourself, so... if you want to make this whole thing go away, then you do that, and I won't speak of it again.
AT TRIC
Clay : Let me get a Dixie and a shot of tequila, chilled.
Alex : I love tequila. Used to.
Clay : Doesn't go too well with rehab. Alex Dupre, right?
Alex : Right. And you're that boy who owns the big house on the beach.
Clay : I'm the boy that rents that big house on the beach. Clay.
Alex : Hi.
Clay : Uh...
Alex : Go ahead. Just do it quick.
* ...with a degree pushing buttons * * he really played to win, man * * yeah, he'd never give up nothing * * something in his eyes said, "why are you all laughing?" *
Alex : I miss that.
Clay : The kissing or the drinking?
Alex : Yes.
Quinn : Wow. You're a piece of work. My sister's in tears, my brother in law's unemployed, and you're sucking face with dumb girls at the bar.
Clay : Wow, your husband must be so happy right now. I'm sorry. That was unfair. Yeah, it has been one of those days. How you holding up?
Quinn : If I was one of your clients, I'd be listed as "day to day''
Clay : Aren't we all? Lauren. Okay. I'll take care of it.
Quinn : Hey, Clay? I hope you know what you're doing.
Clay : You too.
Alex : I can be in your bed in 20 minutes.
Clay : Maybe 30 .
Quinn : Really? You're that guy?
Clay : I am tonight.
AT TV BROADCAST
Rachel : What's on your mind, baby?
Dan : Oh. I'm sorry what happened today with that man in the crowd you work so hard for me and... and the show, and I just... I'm sorry.
Rachel : I'm not. I hired him to do it.
Dan : Why?
Rachel : Because you can't hide from what you did, Dan. And because whenever we shine a light on your mistakes, you fight back, and that inspires people. Besides, it makes for good TV.
AT BROOKE'S HOUSE
Alex : Hi.
Julian : Alex. What can I do for you?
Alex : You said you were looking for something different.
Julian : Look, Alex, I...
Alex : I know what you're thinking. You're thinking I'm hot, and you're also thinking the dumb actress just gave you a stupid script, but it's not stupid, and I'm not dumb. Okay, well, I'm a little dumb, but I know a good script when I read it.
Julian : Okay. I'll take a look.
Alex : Hey, when I said I had something different for you. You thought I meant me, huh? Um... no. Some other boy gets me tonight. But we can totally meet up after if you want.
Julian : That's okay. I'm good.
Alex : Yeah. I'll bet you are.
* suddenly * * we decompose *
AT TRIC
David : Answer it, Quinn. You're gonna have to talk to me sometime.
AT MOUTH'S APPARTMENT
Mouth : Well, at least you're wearing pants.
Skills : Look, if I move out, Lauren gonna want me to move in with her.
Mouth : So what? You love Lauren.
Skills : I know, but, look, first we move in together, and then she gonna want to get married. And, man, we even ain't even gotten into that yet. Look, I'm not even sure if I ever want to get married. And I'm not saying that I don't love Lauren, because I do. I'm just not sure what I want to do yet.
Mouth : Well, you should have said that.
Skills : Yeah, well, you should have asked.
Mouth : You're a good roommate, Skills, and a good friend. You stay as long as you want, all right?
Skills : All right.
* came to life * * reaction time * * we're allowed * * so we all * * are growing old *
AT CLOTHES OVER BROS
Millicent : I didn't expect her to be such a mess. I'm sorry about that.
Brooke : No, me too, but I'll tell you what... the camera loves her. She looks healthy and smart... happy.
Millicent : Hmm.
* and don't be afraid of the cold *
AT THE RESTAURANT
Clay : I appreciate you meeting me.
Renee : I just want what's fair.
Clay : Yeah. This is, uh... this is the amount that we're willing to pay to make this go away.
Renee : It's empty.
Clay : That's right. It's empty because you're a lying bitch, and we're not paying you a dime. Go to hell.
* we cry * * cry * * we cry * * we slide * * we slide * * we'll slide into the light *
AT SCOTT'S HOUSE
Nathan : He talked to her. It didn't go well.
Haley : It's gonna get worse.
Nathan : I should talk to Jamie.
* sing, fight * * we'll slide into the light * * maybe we're sealed in silence * * and maybe we feel a guidance * * maybe your own devices * * will keep you afraid of the cold * * afraid of the time * * you've got nowhere to go but here * | Plan: A: an ever-worsening scandal; Q: What do Clay and Nathan disagree on how to handle? A: a photo shoot; Q: What do Quinn and Brooke organize? A: Mouth; Q: Who is upping the stakes in his battle with Skills? A: Alex; Q: Who makes Julian an interesting proposition? Summary: Clay and Nathan disagree on how to handle an ever-worsening scandal. Quinn and Brooke organize a photo shoot, and Mouth ups the stakes in his battle with Skills. Meanwhile, Alex makes Julian an interesting proposition. This episode is named after a song by Noah and the Whale . |
Scene 1 : In the woods - Bill, Cooter, Russell, Louie
Louie: My ear. My f*cking ear.
Bill: You're next.
A man arrives on a white horse; it's Russel Edington.
Russell: Heel.
Bill: Your Majesty.
Russell: I said escort him, not hunt him like an animal.
Cooter: He is a goddamn animal. He killed three of us, ripped off Louie's ear. You're about to get deader, dead-ass m*therf*cker.
Russell: Cooter. Back off.
Bill: Cooter? Heh-heh. Seriously?
Cooter: Call me that again. I f*cking dare you.
Russell: Coot can be a little sensitive about his name and the evisceration of his friends. For future reference, Coot, I'm not a fan of improvisation. When I give you an order, I expect it to be followed exactly. You understand?
Cooter: Mm.
Bill: These wolves do your bidding?
Russell: Well, unfortunately, not as well as I'd hoped. I'm terribly sorry, Mr. Compton.
Bill: You're sorry? Your Majesty, you've had me abducted by werewolves. Dragged across state lines. They took silver to me, fed on my blood.
Russell: You drank from my guest? Mr. Compton, join me at my home. I will explain everything. That was an order.
Scene 2: Lafayette's house - Lafayette, Tara, Letti Mae
Lafayette: Tara, what--? What are you doing? Open your mouth. Open up your goddamn mouth. I ain't playing. Open your mouth. Spit it out. Spit it out.
Letti Mae: What are you doing to her?
Lafayette: Saving her life.
Letti Mae: Sweet Jesus.
Lafayette: You're too busy praising Jesus to realize your daughter trying to move in with him.
Letti Mae: Tara Mae, no. You can go to hell for this, baby. Please, Lord, forgive her.
Lafayette: Oh, will you move the f*ck back? Get out of the way. With a mother like you, it's a miracle she ain't tried this years ago.
Letti Mae: Where are you taking her?
Tara No. Let me go.
Letti Mae: I'm going with you.
Lafayette: You failed this girl for the last time, you hear me? Now get the f*ck up out my way.
Scene 3: Fangtasia : Eric, Sookie, Pam, Jessica, Godric
Sookie: It stands for Operation Werewolf, some kind of secret Nazi commando force from World War II.
Eric: You found this branded on a dead man's neck?
Sookie: Bill summoned Jessica there. He was trying to show us who kidnapped him.
Jessica: Yeah, Nazi werewolves.
Sookie: That dead guy was strong and fast enough to take Bill. He had to be something supernatural. I was hoping you could tell us more.
Eric: Never seen it before. Sorry.
Sookie: Why do I get the feeling you're blowing me off?
Eric: He speaks in a foreign language to Pam.
Pam: Let's go to the ladies' room and stare at ourselves in the mirror.
Pam and Jessica leave.
Eric: Here's what I know about werewolves: There's a reason their existence has remained a myth to humans for thousands of years. They're territorial, vicious, pathologically secretive.
Sookie: Boy, does that sound familiar.
Eric: And here's what I know about you: You're so blinded by your obsession with Bill Compton, you're likely to run through the streets screaming "werewolf bait," alerting whoever has Bill that we're onto them or getting yourself killed.
Sookie: You think I'm that stupid?
Eric: No, I think you're human.
Sookie: Don't underestimate me.
Eric: Don't underestimate yourself. Your life is too valuable to throw away.
In the bathroom:
Jessica: So, Pam, when you're feeding on someone, how do you not kill 'em?
Pam: Bill didn't teach you that?
Jessica: Bill doesn't want me to feed on people. And now he's gone and...
Pam: It's in the heartbeat. You feel it in the blood.
Jessica: Yeah?
Pam: And when it slows, you stop.
Jessica: Yeah, but how do you stop?
Pam: I think about crying children with soggy diapers. Also maggots.
Jessica: Well, let's say... that you did kill somebody by accident. What would you do with the body?
Back to Sookie and Eric.
Eric: You have no connections in the were community. They're not gonna answer your questions. They don't even want youto know they exist.
Sookie: Bill's out there somewhere in danger. I can't just go on with life like that's not happening. You know that, maybe better than anyone. When Godric went miss-
Eric: Bill Compton is no Godric.
Sookie: But he's everything to me.
Sookie begins to cry.
Eric: Please don't do that. It makes me feel disturbingly human.
Sookie: I risked my life to help you find Godric, and I don't expect you to do the same for Bill, but at the very least, I hope you'll help me if you can.
Jessica: Sookie, you gotta get me home before dawn.
Sookie, Pam and Jessica leave. Eric remembers a night with Godric in Germany in 1945:
Eric (in Swedish): It's here Godric. I feel it.
Godric (in Swedish): Wait.
A soldier comes in. He finds a naked girl crying.
Girl (in german): Help me.
Soldier: It's going to be all right. I won't hurt you.
She turns into a wolf and kills him. Eric and Godric come down.
Girl (in German): We're on the same side you fools.
Eric sees the mark of Operation Wewolf on her neck.
Eric (in German): No, we're not.
Back to reality.
Scene 3: Russell's mansion - Russell, Talbot, Bill
Talbot: You're late.
Russell: Talbot. William Compton.
Talbot: Welcome to Mississippi, Bill. Sorry I'm not dressed, but we were expecting you last night.
Russell: There were complications with his escort.
Talbot: f*cking werewolves. Let's show you to your room, get you all cleaned up, huh?
Bill: My room? Your Majesty, you promised me an explanation.
Russell: And I have no intention of letting you leave without one.
Talbot: I just redecorated the guest room. Wait till you see the bed, Bill. It's marvellous. It once belonged to Countess Elizabeth Bathory, Hungary's legendary serial killer. Rumour has it that she loved to torture virgins and bathe in their blood. Now, be careful at the door, Bill. It's 100 percent sterling silver from Morocco. It's light-tight, of course. Bathtub's through there. And if you need anything, anything at all, someone will always be right outside of your door. Just ring the little bell.
Bill: You're only making matters worse for yourself by holding me captive.
Russell: Oh, no one's holding anyone captive. We're, uh-- We're conducting business. You're a guest in my home.
Bill: Guests are invited. Guests can leave of their own accord.
Russell: And once you've heard my proposal, so can you, if you choose.
Talbot: Enough business. Time to rest. You had the bleeds twice this week.
Russell: We'll talk over dinner.
Talbot: So nice to meet you, Bill. Enjoy the bed.
Talbot and Russel leave.
Talbot: He's a challenge.
Russell: I think I'm gonna have to bring in the girl.
Talbot: Hm.
Scene 4: Lafayette's car - Tara, Lafayette
Tara: I threw up all the pills. I'm okay. I don't need to go to the hospital. Just pull over, please.
Lafayette: Bitch, you tried to kill yourself.
Tara: I didn't plan it. I just saw the bottles, and I thought, "Enough." I deserve some peace.
Lafayette: And I deserve to plan your f*cking funeral? Spend the rest of my goddamn life blaming myself?
Tara: I'm sorry. If you take me to the hospital, they're gonna lock me in a padded room pump me full of drugs, and force me to tell them what happened. Lordy. And if I tell them about Eggs and Maryann, they'll throw away the key.
Lafayette: Eggs would want you to live, Tara.
Tara: Eggs doesn't want sh1t. Eggs is dead. The one time in my entire life I thought I was happy, I was a f*cking zombie. What the hell is wrong with me, Lafayette?
Lafayette: Life ain't not having problems, Tara. It's about being able to deal with the ones you got.
Tara: Well, obviously, I can't.
Lafayette: You can and you will, if I gotta drag your narrow ass through this world kicking and screaming. Look, the Buddhists weren't lying when they said life is suffering. It don't mean you get to check out early and leave me here.
Tara: What are you doing?
Lafayette: First I'm gonna get some food in you. Second, there's something you need to see.
Scene 5: Bill's house - Jessica, Sookie, Hoyt
Sookie: You want me to stay here? I feel weird leaving you all alone.
Jessica: I'm a vampire, Sookie. I don't need-- (She sees Hoyt) I don't need a babysitter.
Sookie: Of course you don't.
Jessica: Be gentle with him. And if you feel anything from Bill--
Jessica: I'll call you.
Sookie leaves.
Jessica: What are you doing here? It's almost dawn.
Hoyt: B-positive. Thought you might be hungry.
Jessica: Hoyt, you can't keep showing up, leaving stuff at my door.
Hoyt: Now, listen to me.If there's one thing that I learned from this whole thing with my mama, it's that I gotta take better care of you. You couldn't control yourself. Be like if I hadn't eaten and people were walking around with hamburgers on their necks.
Jessica: No. That's not what it's like at all. You don't know what it's like. You never will. Biting people, getting so mad that I do bad things by accident, that's in my-- It's in my nature.
Hoyt: Wanna know what's in my nature? Running back to my mama and doing anything that she tells me for the rest of my life. I ain't gonna do it. We can fight our natures together.
Jessica: It's too late.
Hoyt: Don't say that, Jessica. I--
She goes in the house. Behind the door, she cries. Hoyt cries too and leaves, angry and sad.
Scene 6: Sookie's house - Sookie, Jason
Sookie arrives home. There's someone in the kitchen.
Sookie: So gross.
Jason: Oh! God. Unh! My family junk. Oh, Jesus.
Sookie: Oh, Jason. I'm sorry. I-It's 5 a.m. What are you doing eating my chicken in the dark?
Jason: I couldn't sleep. And, um, well, I just kept thinking about how Gran would be doing handstands in her grave if she saw her-- Ugh. Her house like this. So I thought I'd come and clean up, and-- And then I got hungry. I figured you'd be with Bill. (Sookie begins to cry) What did I say?
Later in the morning:
Jason: There's werewolves?
Sookie: Yes.
Jason: Holy sh1t. Bigfoot? Is he real too?
Sookie: I don't know. I guess it's possible.
Jason: Santa?
Sookie: Jason, focus.
Jason: Uh, yeah, sorry. Well, what can I do to help?
Sookie: Nothing. Apparently, that's what I'm supposed to do too, which is totally impossible. Every sound I hear, every time the phone rings, every shadow, I think it's Bill. I keep expecting him to come through the door and say, "Sookie."
Jason: Let me talk to Andy. I won't tell him the whole werewolf part but maybe there's something he could do to help.
Sookie: Andy Bellefleur?
Jason: Yeah, we went through some pretty intense sh1t together during the whole Maryann thing.
Sookie: What kind of sh1t?
Jason: I don't know. I don't remember half of it. And don't even think about reading my mind, because I just wanna put all that behind me. You heard about Eggs.
Sookie: I helped him remember things. That's why he went after Andy and got himself killed.
Jason: Yeah, that wasn't your fault, believe me.
Sookie: Well, tell that to Tara. I don't think she's ever gonna forgive me. Maybe I deserve that.
Jason: Well, you were just trying to help. It's the thought that counts. And, uh, Tara's tough. She'll get through it. Sookie, you just need some sleep. Let me worry about Bill for a while.
Sookie: Thanks, Jason.
Jason: It's just you and me now. Well, you're gonna marry Bill, and now it's you, me and Bill.
Scene 7: The Mickens - Sam, Tommy, Joe Lee, Melinda
Sam in sleeping in his car when Tommy points a gun at him.
Tommy: Don't move. Get out of the car.
Sam: Which is it? Don't move or get out of the car?
Tommy: Come on.
They go on the house.
Tommy: Hey, Mama! Joe Lee.
Melinda: Oh. Quit hollering.
Melinda: It's too dang early. Who the hell are you?
Joe Lee: Who the hell is he?
Sam: My name's, uh, Sam Merlotte.
Tommy: That's the guy I told you about, the one asking all the questions. Found him spying outside.
Sam: Spying? I was sleeping. All right? Put the gun down. I'm not here to hurt nobody.
Joe Lee: You from Collections? Because I put that check in the mail yesterday.
Melinda: Merlotte. That name's familiar. We met before?
Sam: Thirty-four years ago.
Melinda: Tommy, put the gun down.
Tommy: What?
Melinda: Put the gun down. (To Sam) It's you.
Sam: Yeah.
Melinda: It's really you.
Tommy: It's really who? Who is he, Mama?
Scene 8: Merlotte's - Sookie, Terry, a man
Sookie arrives and parks in the parking. She hears a man's voice.
Man: Grab her, knock her out. Be back in time to watch Let's Make a Deal.
Sookie sees a man in the woods. Terry arrives.
Terry: Morning, Sook. You okay?
Sookie: Did you just see someone here?
Terry: No. Usually when I see things other people don't it's because I ain't taking my medication and I...
The man disappeared.
Sookie: Come on out, you big coward. What have you done with Bill?
Terry and Sookie are in the woods where the man stood.
Terry: Motorcycle boot. Size 10. Now, that's just weird.
Sookie: What?
Terry: Tracks end here. Which don't make a lick of sense unless he turned himself into a bird and flew away.
Sookie: Or a wolf.
Terry: Yeah. Panther or coyote maybe, but I ain't never seen no wolves in these parts.
Sookie: Until now.
Scene 8: Meadowglde Clinic - Tara, Lafayette, Ruby Jean, Jesus
Tara: Jesus Christ.
Lafayette: Tara, calm down.
Tara: What the f*ck, Lafayette? You drive me two and a half hours to show me something and you take me to a f*cking nuthouse. How could you, Lafayette? You can't commit me against my will.
Lafayette: Ain't nobody f*cking committing you, but if you don't chill out quick, somebody might change their mind. (To the person at the front desk) Hi. Um... We're here to see Ruby Jean Reynolds, please.
Woman: Let me check.
In a room:
Jesus: Just one bite. Come on. Come on, Ruby. You come on. You gotta eat something. Come on, give me some. Why do you always do this?
Lafayette and Tara arrive.
Jesus: Can I help you?
Ruby: Oh, that's just my son, Lafayette.
Lafayette: Hi, Mama.
Jesus: You told me your son passed away.
Ruby: He did. God killed him because he's a faggot. But he keep coming back.
Ruby: Hey.
Ruby: This is Jesus. He's a Mexican, but he ain't raped me yet.
Lafayette: I'm sorry.
Jesus: Don't worry. I'm used to it. Nice to meet you
Lafayette: Lafayette. This is my cousin, Tara.
Jesus: Hi, Tara.
Tara: Hi.
Jesus: I'm glad you're here. I've been taking care of your mother for six months. I think you're the first visitor she's had.
Ruby: Don't listen to him. People just keep coming and going. They coming and going, baby. What you want with me, Lafayette? Wish to hell they'd leave me alone.
Jesus: Listen, if you can get her to eat something, you'd be my hero.
Ruby: He spits in my food through them rotten-cheese teeth. Wetback.
Lafayette: Oh, my fucking--
Jesus: Nice to meet you.
Jesus leaves.
Lafayette: Mama, you remember Tara.
Ruby: God killed you too.
Tara: Almost.
Scene 8: Police Station - Andy, Jason, Journalists, Bud
Andy: Well, that's my job. I was just doing what I had to to protect myself, but I ain't no hero.
Journalist: Detective Bellefleur, in addition to being stabbed, the victims were also clawed by an animal. What kind of animal was that?
Andy: Well, that's a good question. (Jason arrives) And, uh, I'm sure Sheriff Dearborne would love to answer it for you.
Journalist 2: Detective... Can I get one other question?
Bud: Ahem. Uh... We're still working on that. We're not sure if the suspect trained the animal.
Andy: Hey, what are you doing here, Stackhouse?
Jason: Wow. All these reporters, they're here for you? Is this because of Eggs?
Andy: No, it's because of me winning the Miss America Pageant. Thought I told you to lay low.
Jason: I need your help with something.
Andy: Ain't I done enough for you already?
Jason: Hey, I was trying to save your life.
Andy: Now I'm trying to save yours.
Jason: Listen, I'm sorry. I know I shouldn't be here, but Sookie, she's trying to blame herself for killing Eggs. Andy, we gotta make this right. We gotta make it right.
Andy: Okay.
Journalist: Yeah, but, sheriff...
Andy: Hey, how about a second lunch?
Scene 9: Merlotte's - Sookie, Terry, Arlene
Terry: Won't he come looking for his clothes?
Sookie: I'll bet he'll come looking for more than that.
Terry: I'd feel a lot better if you let me call Andy.
Sookie: I've already got somebody on it. He's a sheriff and a vampire. Listen, Terry. You can't tell anyone about this. Okay?
Arlene's voice: Could I get help here?
Sookie: This guy is my one shot at finding Bill.
Terry: I'm not so good with secrets.
Sookie: I think you're a lot better at things than you give yourself credit for.
Arlene arrives.
Arlene: I've been out there hollering for help for 10 minutes.
Terry: I'm sorry, darling. I didn't hear you. Let me get that.
Arlene: No. I can do it all by myself. Just like I do everything else.
Arlene leaves.
Terry: Would you mind telling Arlene how I'm good at things and all?
Sookie: Sure. But if you want my advice, tell her yourself. You wait to tell people how you feel about 'em, you never know what can happen.
Terry: Sookie, hold up. You know how to use one of these?
Sookie: I ain't that blond. Thanks, Terry.
Terry: I... I've always liked you, and I'd miss you if you got killed. Just so you know.
Scene 9: Micken's house - Sam, Tommy, Melinda, Joe Lee
Melinda: I was 16. Your daddy was doing 12 years in prison.
Joe Lee: For a crime I didn't commit. Your mama didn't even tell me about you till after she gave you away.
Melinda: I didn't know what else to do. The Merlottes seemed like good people. They had money and a big house. They said they could give you a better life. Did they? Did you have a good life, Sam?
Sam: Till I was 15.
Tommy: What happened when you were 15?
Sam: I think y'all know. Was that the real reason you gave me away? Because of what I am?
Melinda: I knew there was a chance, but your daddy's regular. And I prayed and I prayed that you'd turn out like him.
Joe Lee: Why would you pray for that? What you are is special, son. You got something extra in you. You should be proud of that.
Sam: Is that right? Because what, uh, being special has meant to me is walking this world alone, not knowing what the hell I am, why I am this way.
Melinda: Sam, Joe Lee may be married to a shifter and raising another, but there ain't no way he can understand what it's like to be one. I am so, so sorry you had to go through that all alone.
Sam: I am too.
Tommy: What about no one telling me my whole damn life I had a brother? Anybody f*cking sorry about that?
Joe Lee: Boy, don't use that tone with us!
Melinda: Joe Lee, calm down.
Tommy: Welcome to the family. You can have them.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Scene 10: Clinic - Tara, Lafayette
Tara: Why didn't you tell me?
Lafayette: She made me promise not to. Didn't want nobody seeing her like this.
Tara: But six months, Lafayette? Alone in this place? Even she don't deserve that. She don't deserve it.
Lafayette: You know how much it costs keeping her here? More than two legal jobs' worth, that's how much. I mean, the only reason why I'm paying, because I hate her raggedy ass so much, I don't wanna take care of her my goddamn self.
Tara: If that were true, you would've left her to the state, or on the street where you found her. You think I can end up like her.
Lafayette: There's some darkness in this family, Tara. My mama, your mama. But they ain't strong enough to beat it. We are. We've been f*cking fighting tooth and nail to survive this bullshit our whole life, and I ain't letting you give up now.
Tara: Okay. I get it.
Lafayette: You promise?
Tara: Promise.
Lafayette: All right, now let's get the f*ck up out of here. It stink in here. But, hooker, if you ever try to pull the sh1t you pulled last night again, I swear, your ass is gonna get a room next to Ruby Jean. And I'm gonna make sure the m*therf*cker spooning your peas ain't half as hot as Jesus. Is you feeling me?
Tara: Yeah, I'm feeling you.
Lafayette: And we clear?
Tara: We clear.
Lafayette: We got it.
Tara: We got it.
Lafayette: All right, now.
Scene 11: Micken's - Tommy, Sam
Sam: 1958 Plymouth Fury. You know that's the same car they used in Christine? Stephen King? Horror movie?
Tommy: Yeah, you think I don't know that? Probably think I can't even read.
Sam: Hey, I didn't say that.
Tommy: I bet they sent you to one of them fancy f*ck schools, didn't they? I'd give anything to be adopted, grow up with rich, normal parents instead of these freaks.
Sam: Would you, now?
Tommy: Yeah.
Sam: Well, they weren't rich, and they weren't so normal either. When they saw what I was, they walked out on me.
Tommy: I'm supposed to feel sorry for you now? At least you had 15 good years.
Sam: Did you know you were gonna shift? Did they tell you what to expect? Yeah. Would've much rather had that than what I got.
Tommy: Oh, you've known them a couple hours, and all they did was coo on you and cry. You got no idea what you're talking about.
Sam: Well, I didn't realize this was a "whose life is more f*cked?" contest. If it means that much to you, you win. Look, I got no idea how to deal with this whole family thing. Never imagined I had a brother, something like that was even possible. All right, I'm not here to take anything away from you.
Tommy: Yeah, well, good, because I ain't got nothing to take. I need to run, cool down.
Sam: Care if I join you?
Tommy: No. Don't care. I used to get in a lot of fights. After you.
Scene 12: Bill's house - Jessica, Woman on the phone
Woman on the phone: Bon Temps Hardware.
Jessica: Hi. Do you carry chain saws?
Woman: Yep.
Jessica: Yeah? How much are those, huh?
Woman: Two sixty-eight twenty-two.
Jessica: How much?
Woman: Two hundred and sixty-eight dollars and twenty-two cents.
Jessica: Uh, can I rent one of those for the night?
Woman: Uh-huh. Forty-nine ninety-five.
Jessica: Awesome. Thanks. Thank you.
Scene 13: Russel's Mansion - Talbot, Russell, Bill
Talbot: Chilled carbonated blood. It's cruelty-free, all willingly donated. Note the citrusy finish. This one ate only tangerinesfor weeks.
Russell: Mr. Compton, thank you. It is an honor to have you in my kingdom again.
Bill: Your Majesty has been very hospitable. Perhaps my queen will take this into consideration before she has you staked.
Russell: If staking vampire royalty were a viable option trust me, you would not be sitting here.
Bill: Why am I?
Russell: I wanna make you sheriff of Mississippi Area 2. The world's only cactus plantation.
Bill: You didn't kidnap me and drag me across state lines just to offer me a job.
Russell: Oh, you're too hung up on state lines. Those lines will soon cease to exist.
Bill: You're waging war against the queen of Louisiana?
Russell: War? Heh. How barbaric. Look, vampire politics may be medieval, but I'm not.
Talbot: Excuse me, gentlemen. I need to drain the second course. Carlo, bring me that Thai boy.
Talbot leaves.
Russell: I mean Sophie Anne no harm. In fact, just the opposite. I intend to marry her. For the moment, she says no. But a queen is entitled to change her mind.
Bill: And how will you make that happen?
Russell: With your help, of course.
Scene 14: Merlotte's - Andy, Jason, Man, Reporter
Andy (on tv): Well, that's my job. I was just doing what I had to protect myself, but I ain't no hero.
Reporter: The citizens of Bon Temps may beg to differ.
Jason: Andy.
Man: TV star.
Jason: I mean, detective. Detective Bellefleur, you are a real-life, honest-to-Jesus hero. You're the wind beneath my wings, man.
Andy: Stop it. You are embarrassing me.
Jason: Well, you got nothing to be embarrassed about. You shot the bad guy. Right in the head. Everybody loves you.
Andy: Well, what do you want me to do? Stand up and tell them all the truth? You'll go to jail.
Jason: Maybe that's where I belong. I keep trying to do good all the time, but all I ever end up doing is just hurting people.
Andy: You're a good guy, Stackhouse. You got a lot of heart. You're prettier than most girls. If you just applied yourself right, you could accomplish almost anything.
Jason: You really think so?
Andy: Why else would I be babysitting your drunken ass, making sure you don't piss your entire future away?
Jason: I love you, Andy. You're my best friend.
Andy: Now, that's just sad.
Scene 15: In the woods - Tommy and Sam
The are running in their animal form. A car hits Sam. Tommy leaves him alone naked.
Scene 16: Bill's house
Somone goes to Bill's house and finds a file that contains information on Sookie and her family.
Scene 17: Sookie's house - Sookie, Eric, Godric, Woman
Sookie is in her house when she hears noise from outside.
Eric: Hello, Sookie.
She opens the door.
Eric: They came for you.
Sookie: Just one. This morning. He took off before I could get anything out of him. That why you're here? Or do you know something about Bill?
Eric: I lied to you.
Flash back in 1945:
Eric (in German): Who is your master? Who is your master?
[b]Woman (in German): Give me your blood. I will tell you.[/b]
Godric (in Swedish): The blood is sacred.
Eric gives her blood.
Eric (in German): Who is your master?
Woman (in German): He is one of you.
She jumps on Eric and tries to kill him but Godric stops her and kills her.
Godric (in Swedish): A vampire is never at the mercy of his emotions. He dominates them. We will find him. Patience.
End flash back.
Sookie: You and Godric were in the SS?
Eric: We posed as whatever would help us in our search.
Sookie: But you were hunting the Nazi werewolves?
Eric: The symbol is runic. This, uh, pack dates back a lot farther than the Nazi Party.
Sookie: So they aren't Nazis?
Eric: No, they're much more than that. These are not ordinary werewolves. They're organized, well-funded, highly trained, and fuelled by vampire blood.
Sookie: Why didn't you tell me last night?
Eric: The big question is why am I risking everything to tell you now? My loyalty is not to Bill. In fact, it would advantageous for me in numerous ways if he were never found. But...
Sookie: But?
Eric: Now they're coming for you, and I owe you.
Sookie: When you say you were risking everything to tell me, what did that mean?
Eric: The goal tonight was to keep you out of danger, not put you in more of it.
Sookie: Eric, you can't just say something like that and then leave.
Eric: Oh, I'm not leaving. You're going to invite me in so I can protect you. Or have passionate primal s*x with you. How about both?
Sookie: You're not gonna distract me by talking nasty.
Eric: I already have.
Eric: So... are you going to invite me in?
Sookie: I'm still Bill's.
Eric: So you are.
Scene 17: Russel's mansion - Talbot, Russell, Bill
Talbot: Warm blood bisque infused with rose petals.
Russell: Mm. There's a lot of natural gas to be had in Louisiana. I enjoy the music. Frankly, I've outgrown my sandbox. Sophie Anne is a delightful eccentric.
Talbot: Please, she's as madas a monkey on a trike, and she has been for centuries.
Russell: Talbot. We don't need to say everything we think. For a number of reasons, she's incapable of managing her queendom. Take you, for example. She has one of the most promising young vampires in the country under her command, and she sends you to where? Bon Temps. What a waste of talent.
Bill: She didn't send me to Bon Temps. It was my home before I was made. After the Great Revelation, I chose to go there to mainstream.
Russell: You expect me to believe she'd allow you to move to a tiny town in the middle of a swamp and date a waitress? I know you're still working for her and I know she has secrets, and I wanna know what they are. In return, I'll make you sheriff of Area 2.
Bill: Perhaps Your Majesty is using werewolves to gather his intelligence as well.
Talbot: Ouch.
Bill: There's clearly been mistake. I am not the vampire you are looking for. I am not privy to the queen's secrets, nor do I have any interest in being your sheriff. I'm sorry to waste your time.
Russell: Poor Sookie. Such a shame she has to pay the price for your stubbornness.
Bill: You leave Sookie out of this.
Russell: You're in my house, Mr. Compton. Put your fangs away.
Scene 17: Merlotte's - Tara, Lafayette, Terry, Arlene, Franklin
Lafayette: I'm sorry if it's hard on you being here, but I gotta work, and I am not leaving you alone.
Tara: It's hard being anywhere right now. Might as well be here.
Lafayette: Love you.
Arlene: How long you been standing there?
Terry: Little while. You sick? Because of my shrimp again?
Arlene: No.
Terry: Good. Now, I know Coby and Lisa are part of you, and maybe you think I'm not the kind of person you want around them. But-- But I made a list.
Arlene: A list of what?
Terry: Ten reasons why you can trust me with your kids. Number one: I'm a nurturer. I found a baby armadillo by the side of the road and I nursed it. Now it sleeps under my bed, and its name is Felix. Number two: I have a diploma from anger management, where I learned talking about your feelings is the manly thing to do. Number three - - Number three: I never killed nothing by accident. Arlene wants to vomit. She goes back to the bathroom.
Terry: Number four...
At the bar:
Franklin: Busy night? You the only waitress?
Tara: Actually, I'm a bartender, and I ain't working tonight.
Franklin: Then what are you doing here?
Tara: Honestly? Trying not to kill myself.
Franklin: And how is that going for you?
Tara: Well, I'm still alive.
Franklin: Makes one of us. You got any of those Tru Bloods?
Tara: We only got the B-positive, and the microwave's busted. You a friend of Bill Compton's?
Franklin: No. Are you?
Tara: Not really.
Scene 18: Bill's house - Jessica
Jessica arrives. She opens the trap where she sleeps but Hank's not there.
Jessica: What the f*ck? Holy sh1t. f*ck.
Scene 19: Merlotte's parking lot - Andy, Jason, Rosie, Kenya, Kevin, Calvin, Crystal
Jason: Andy, I'm telling you, I can walk in a straight line. Look.
Andy: Mm-hm. Like a f*cking arrow. I ain't letting you drive like that. Get in.
Jason: Well, this is fun. I ain't never been in the front seat before.
Rosie (over the radio): Detective Bellefleur, we've got a 586 in progress in Hotshot.
Andy: Uh, Rosie, you realize a 586 means illegal parking? Over.
Rosie: Oh. I could have sworn that's what Kenya said. Anyway, they're busting a meth lab, whatever the code is for that. Over.
Andy: Wanna take a drive?
They arrive at Hotshot.
Jason: Huh. I ain't never been to Hotshot.
Andy: Nothing to write home about.
Kenya: Andy, you ain't even on duty. What are you doing here? But more importantly, what is Jason Stackhouse doing here?
Kenya: Take two, one--
Andy: Stop it. You stay in the car.
Jason: Staying in the car.
Andy: This is my town, Kenya. And whatever happens in my town concerns me.
Kenya: Quit speechifying. There ain't no cameras here, you damn fool.
Kevin: You sure did sound smart on the TV, Andy.
Calvin: There a problem here, officers?
Kenya: Calvin Norris, we got a warrant to search your property.
Calvin: What for?
Andy: Kenya.
Calvin: Get off my land, you f*cking pigs!
Kevin: Stand back, sir.
Calvin: Don't tell me what to do. You got no right to be here.
Kevin: Calm down, Mr. Norris.
Calvin: f*ck you.
Kevin: I'm an officer of the law, and you are not allowed to say that to an officer of the law. That's the law.
Andy: In there. Inside. I see him.
Kenya: Stop. Andy. Andy!
Jason sees a woman in the woods.
Jason: Hey. Are you all right?
Andy: Goddamn it, stop! Sheriff's Department. Stop!
She leaves. Andy sees a man escaping; he stops him.
Jason: Hey, I got one. I got me a drug dealer.
Scene 20: Merlotte's parking lot - Tara, two man, Franklin
Man 1: Whoo. Big night. Whoo!
Man 2: Hey, hey. Just ride on that sh1t. f*ck that sh1t.
Man 1: I'll ride that sh1t like a pony. Hey, this is where it happened, dude. Andy put that serial-killer nigger down right here.
Man 2: Oh, sh1t. Hey! sh1t. It's the freak's girlfriend.
Tara: His name was Eggs, you racist piece of sh1t.
Man 1: Well, you're the one who went and f*cked a killer, bitch.
Franklin: Apologize to the lady.
Man 2: Serial killer weren't enough for you? Now you gotta go f*ck a goddamn vamper too?
Franklin: I said, apologize to the lady.
Man 2: f*ck you.
Scene 21: Russell's Mansion - Talbot, Russell, Bill, Lorena
Talbot: Blood gelato.
Bill: Sookie has nothing to do with this. She's innocent.
Russell: We know that you love her, that you've killed for her. And from the look in your eye, I can see you'd do it again if you thought that would save her.
Talbot: So romantic.
Lorena: It's not romantic, it's delusional.
Russell: Lorena. Oh, goodie.
Talbot: I'm just in time for dessert.
Bill throws a light on Lorena. She burns.
Scene 22: Sookie's house - Sookie, Eric
EricL To have and to hold, to love and to cherish, to blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, until death do you part. Doesn't bother you that you'll be the only one dying?
Sookie: I'm not gonna talk about this with you.
Eric: Okay. So you'd really rather stay out here all night than invite me in?
Sookie: One minute you lie to me, the next minute you ask me to trust you. You do something generous and selfless, and then you follow that up with something nasty or downright cruel.
Eric: Invite me in.
Sookie: You can't bully your way into--
Eric: Invite me in now.
Sookie: Mr. Northman, will you please come in?
They are in the house. There's a wolf. Sookie shots. | Plan: A: Sam Merlotte; Q: Who gets to know his shifter birth family in Arkansas? A: Bill; Q: Who is an unwilling guest at the home of Russell Edgington? A: Russell Edgington; Q: Who is the vampire King of Mississippi? A: ambitions; Q: What does Russell Edgington have to take over Louisiana? A: Jessica; Q: Who seeks advice from Pam on feeding off humans? A: bodies; Q: What does Jessica want advice on disposing of? A: Lafayette's mother Ruby Jean; Q: Who does Lafayette visit in a psychiatric institution? A: Eric; Q: Who arrives at Sookie's home to protect her from werewolves? A: Sookie's home; Q: Where does Eric arrive to protect Sookie from werewolves? Summary: Sam Merlotte gets to know his shifter birth family in Arkansas. Meanwhile, Bill is an unwilling guest at the home of Russell Edgington, the vampire King of Mississippi, who has ambitions to take over Louisiana. Jessica seeks advice from Pam on feeding off humans and on the disposal of bodies. Lafayette and Tara visit Lafayette's mother Ruby Jean in a psychiatric institution. Eric arrives at Sookie's home to protect her from werewolves. |
On the lake Amy and Andrea are fishing out in a boat.
Amy: What?
Andrea: Nothing.
Amy: It's not nothing. It's always something.
Andrea: Didn't dad teach you to tie nail knots?
Amy: Why would he do that? He only ever used a fisherman's knot. One knot.
Andrea: No, he didn't. No, he tied at least three.
Amy: Clinch knots?
Andrea: No way. Fine, I'm making it up. Did dad teach you mostly dry lures?
Amy: Yeah. You?
Andrea: Wet.
Amy: You're kidding. But he was always so adamant. I mean, you know dad on the fishing thing.
Andrea: Gee, you think? I only spent my entire childhood with my ass in a boat. But in my day it was all about getting the hook seated. We were fishing for the dinner table.
Amy: Not us. We always threw them back. Always.
Andrea: I guess he changed things up.
Amy: But that'd be like changing his religion or something.
Andrea: People change. It's not his fault we were born 12 years apart.
Amy: No. No, because the minute you went off to college it was my ass in that boat and he taught me dry lures from day one. This was not behaviour developed over time.
Andrea: You think he did it for us?
Amy: Because he knew we were so different. He knew that you needed to catch the fish and I needed to throw them back.
Andrea: All right, remember his rule: No crying in the boat. It scares the fish.
Amy: Mom and dad... I mean, maybe Florida wasn't hit so bad. Maybe it's better there. Do you think?
Andrea: I think you have a bite. Even with the wrong knots.
Amy: Oh God. So much for the no crying rule.
Andrea: I think that was more for dad than the fish. The two girls smile. At camp Dale stands on top of the RV to keep watch for Walkers. He sees Jim over in the bushes digging holes. He realizes that Jim has been at it for quite awhile. Close-up on Jim He has dug several separate holes.
OPENING CREDITS
Building In Atlanta, T-Dog, Daryl, Glenn and Rick still stare at Merle's severed hand. Daryl turns his crossbow on T-Dog to kill him, but Rick pulls out his Python.
Rick: I won't hesitate. I don't care if every walker in the city hears it. Daryl realizes Rick is being honest and lowers the crossbow.
Daryl: You got a do-rag or something? T-Dog hands him one and Daryl picks up Merle's severed hand that is already decaying.
Daryl: I guess the saw blade was too dull for the handcuffs. Ain't that a bitch. He puts the hand in Glenn's backpack.
Daryl: He must have used a tourniquet... maybe his belt. Be much more blood if he didn't. Daryl notices a blood trail. The group starts to follow it. T-Dog picks up the tools on the roof.
Daryl: Merle? You in here? The group walks down the stairs. Survival Camp Dale walks out to see Jim.
Dale: Jim? You okay? You keep this up, you're gonna keel over out here. Drink some water at least. Jim continues to dig holes and doesn't respond to him. Building Daryl shoots a Walker in an office with his crossbow. The group walks in and makes sure the coast is clear.
Daryl: Had enough in him to take out these two sumbitches. One handed. Toughest asshole I ever met, my brother. Feed him a hammer, he'd crap out nails.
Rick: Any man can pass out from blood loss, no matter how tough he is. Survival Camp Amy and Andrea come back to the camp with tons of fish for the camp.
Morales: Oh, baby. Will you look at that? Hey, check it out. Ladies... Because of you my children will eat tonight. Thank you.
Andrea: Thank Dale. It's his canoe and gear.
Carl: Mom, look. Look at all the fish.
Lori: Thank you.
Carl: Whoa.
Lori: Yeah, whoa. Where did you two learn to do that?
Amy: Our dad.
Carl: Can you teach me how to do that?
Amy: Sure. I'll teach you all about nail knots and stuff. If that's okay.
Lori: You won't catch me arguing.
Andrea: Hey, Dale. When's the last time you oiled those line reels? They are a disgrace. Dale doesn't seem as happy as he usually is.
Dale: I, uh, I don't want to alarm anyone, but we may have a bit of a problem. Shane comes up to the group. Dale points over to Jim who is still digging the holes. Building The group continues to search for Merle. Daryl shouts for Merle.
Daryl: Merle!
Rick: We're not alone here. Remember?
Daryl: Screw that. He could be bleeding out. You said so yourself. They come upon a kitchen where a stove is still lighted. They find Merle's belt sitting on the top of it.
Daryl: What's that burned stuff?
Rick: Skin. He cauterized the stump.
Daryl: Told you he was tough. Nobody can kill Merle but Merle.
Rick: Don't take that on faith. He's lost a lot of blood.
Daryl: Yeah? Didn't stop him from busting out of this death trap.
Glenn: He left the building? Why the hell would he do that? They come to a smashed window and they realize Merle left.
Daryl: Why wouldn't he? He's out there alone as far as he knows, doing what he's got to do. Surviving.
T-Dog: You call that surviving? Just wandering out in the streets, maybe passing out? What are his odds out there?
Daryl: No worse than being handcuffed and left to rot by you sorry pricks. You couldn't kill him. Ain't so worried about some dumb dead b*st*rd.
Rick: What about 1,000 dead dumb bastards? Different story?
Daryl: Why don't you take a tally? Do what you want. I'm gonna go get him. Rick doesn't let him go.
Rick: Daryl, wait.
Daryl: Get your hands off me! You can't stop me.
Rick: I don't blame you. He's family, I get that. I went through hell to find mine. I know exactly how you feel. He can't get far with that injury. We could help you check a few blocks around but only if we keep a level head.
Daryl: I could do that.
T-Dog: Only if we get those guns first. I'm not strolling the streets of Atlanta with just my good intentions, okay? Survival Camp Jim is still digging holes. The whole camp comes out to see him.
Shane: Hey, Jim. Jim, why don't you hold up, all right? Just give me a second here, please.
Jim: What do you want?
Shane: We're all just a little concerned, that's all.
Morales: Dale says you've been out here for hours.
Jim: So?
Shane: So why are you digging? Are you heading to China, Jim?
Jim: What does it matter? I'm not hurting anyone.
Shane: Yeah, except maybe yourself. It's a hundred degrees today. You can't keep this up.
Jim: Sure I can. Watch me.
Lori: Jim, they're not gonna say it so I will. You're scaring people. You're scaring my son and Carol's daughter.
Jim: They got nothing to be scared of. I mean, what the hell, people? I'm out here by myself. Why don't you all just go and leave me the hell alone?
Shane: We think that you need to take a break, okay? Why don't you go and get yourself in the shade? Some food maybe. I'll tell you what... maybe in a little bit I'll come out here and help you myself. Jim, just tell me what it's about. Why don't you just go ahead and give me that shovel?
Jim: Or what?
Shane: There is no or what. I'm asking you. I'm coming to you and I'm asking you, please. I don't want to have to take it from you.
Jim: And if I don't, then what? Then you're gonna beat my face in like Ed Peletier, aren't you? Y'all seen his face, huh? What's left of it. See, now that's what happens when someone crosses you.
Shane: That was different, Jim.
Amy: You weren't there. Ed was out of control. He was hurting his wife.
Jim: That is their marriage. That is not his. He is not judge and jury. Who voted you king boss, huh?
Shane: Jim, I'm not here to argue with you, all right? Just give me the shovel, okay?
Jim: No, no, no.
Shane: Just give me the... Jim! Jim shoves Shane away and then threatens to hit him with it. Shane tackles Jim to the ground.
Shane: Okay, shh shh.
Jim: You got no right!
Shane: Stop. Shh.
Jim: You got no right!
Shane: Jim, just stop it. Hey hey hey hey.
Jim: Don't!
Shane: Jim. Jim, nobody's gonna hurt you. You hear me? Shh. Jim, nobody is gonna hurt you, okay?
Jim: That's a lie. That's the biggest lie there is. I told that to my wife and my two boys. I said it 100 times. It didn't matter. They came out of nowhere. There were dozens of 'em. Just pulled 'em right out of my hands. You know, the only reason I got away was 'cause the dead were too busy eating my family. Building
Rick: You're not doing this alone.
Daryl: Even I think it's a bad idea and I don't even like you much.
Glenn: It's a good idea, okay, if you just hear me out. If we go out there in a group, we're slow, drawing attention. If I'm alone, I can move fast. He draws a map of the street on the ground and marks the tank and the bag of guns.
Glenn: Look. That's the tank, five blocks from where we are now. That's the bag of guns. Here's the alley I dragged you into when we first met. That's where Daryl and I will go.
Daryl: Why me?
Glenn: Your crossbow is quieter than his gun. While Daryl waits here in the alley, I run up the street, grab the bag.
Rick: You got us elsewhere? Glenn points down the street.
Glenn: You and T-Dog, right. You'll be in this alley here.
Rick: Two blocks away? Why?
Glenn: I may not be able to come back the same way. Walkers might cut me off. If that happens, I won't go back to Daryl. I'll go forward instead, all the way around to that alley where you guys are. Whichever direction I go, I got you in both places to cover me. Afterwards, we'll all meet back here.
Daryl: Hey, kid, what'd you do before all this?
Glenn: Delivered pizzas. Why? Outside Glenn & Daryl crawl down the ladder and run down the alley. Rick & T-Dog head down the other alley. Daryl loads his crossbow.
Daryl: You got some balls for a Chinaman.
Glenn: I'm Korean.
Daryl: Whatever. Glenn runs down the street. Several Walkers notice him, but don't aggressively chase him yet. While Daryl waits behind the trashcan, a young man of Mexican descent, Miguel, walks down the alley. Daryl spots him and points his crossbow at him.
Miguel: Whoa, don't shoot me! What do you want?
Daryl: I'm looking for my brother. He's hurt real bad. You seen him?
Miguel: Ayúdame!
Daryl: Shut up! You're gonna bring the geeks down on us. Answer me. Glenn notices the Walkers start to converge on him as he grabs the bag of guns and Rick's sheriff's hat. He runs back down the street he came.
Daryl: Answer me.
Miguel: Ayúdame! Ayúdame! Ayúdame! Rick & T-Dog hear yelling help and start to run over to Glenn and Daryl's alley.
Miguel: Help! Help!
Daryl: Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Two other Mexicans, one of them named Felipe, also come down the alley and they start to beat up Daryl. Glenn comes back with the guns and sees what is happening.
Felipe: That's it. That's the bag, Vato. Take it! Take it! Felipe starts to run towards him and tries to grab the bag of guns. They grab Glenn and hold him hostage. Daryl shoots Felipe in the rear end with his crossbow and Felipe cries out in pain.
Glenn: Get off me! Get off me! Daryl! Daryl! A car pulls up and they start to back up. One of the Walkers is crushed by one of the Mexicans. With no guns, but Glenn as a hostage, the group flees leaving Miguel behind as well.
Daryl: Come back here, you sumbitches! Daryl grabs the gate and shuts it before the Walkers can get at them. Rick & T-Dog arrive to see what happened.
Rick: Whoa whoa whoa. Stop it.
Daryl: I'm gonna kick your nuts up in your throat!
Miguel: Let me go.
T-Dog: Chill out.
Daryl: They took Glenn. That little b*st*rd and his little b*st*rd homie friends. I'm gonna stomp your ass!
T-Dog: Guys! Guys! We're cut off!
Rick: Get to the lab. Go.
Daryl: Come on. Damn, let's go. Rick picks up the bag of guns and his hat and the group runs back into the building. Survival Camp Jim is tied to a tree to protect him from hurting anyone or himself. Shane and Dale come up to him with some water.
Shane: Jim, take some water?
Jim: All right.
Shane: Yeah? All right. Here you go, bud.
Jim: Pour some on my head?
Shane: Yeah. Cooling you down, huh?
Jim: Yeah. How long you gonna keep me like this?
Shane: Well, yeah. Until I don't think that you're a danger to yourself or others.
Jim: Sorry if I scared your boy and your little girl.
Lori: You had sunstroke. Nobody's blaming you.
Jim: You're not scared now, are you?
Sophia: No sir. Jim is glad to hear that.
Jim: Your mama's right. Sun just cooked my head is all.
Dale: Jim, do you know why you were digging? Can you say?
Jim: I had a reason. Don't remember. Something I dreamt last night. Your dad was in it. You were too. You were worried about him. Can't remember the rest. You worried about your dad?
Carl: They're not back yet.
Lori: We don't need to talk about that.
Carl: Your dad's a police officer, son. He helps people. Probably just came across some folks needing help, that's all. That man, he is tough as nails. I don't know him well but... I could see it in him. Am I right?
Shane: Oh yeah.
Jim: There ain't nothing gonna stop him from getting back here to you and your mom, I promise you that.
Shane: All right. Who wants to help me clean some fish, huh?
Carl: Sweet. Come on, Sophia. Sophia and Carl run after Shane and Carol joins them.
Lori: Stay with Carol, all right? Lori approaches Jim.
Jim: You keep your boy close. You don't ever let him out of your sight. Lori nods in agreement and goes to join them. Building
Rick: Those men you were with, we need to know where they went.
Miguel: I ain't telling you nothing.
T-Dog: Jesus, man. What the hell happened back there?
Daryl: I told you, this little turd and his douche bag friends came out of nowhere and jumped me.
Miguel: You're the one who jumped me, puto, screaming about trying to find his brother like it's my damn fault.
Daryl: They took Glenn. Could have taken merle too. Miguel chuckles.
Miguel: Merle? What kind of hick name is that? I wouldn't name my dog merle. Daryl goes to kick at Miguel, but Rick holds him back.
Rick: Damn it, Daryl. Back off. Daryl pulls out Merle's hand.
Daryl: Want to see what happened to the last guy that pissed me off? Miguel is freaked out by the hand and starts to back away.
Daryl: Start with the feet this time. Rick holds Daryl back.
Rick: The men you were with took our friend. All we want to do is talk to them, see if we can work something out.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Hideout The group arrives at the hideout.
Rick: You sure you're up for this?
T-Dog: Yeah.
Rick: Okay.
Daryl: One wrong move, you get an arrow in the ass. Just so you know.
Miguel: G's gonna take that arrow out of my ass and shove it up yours. Just so you know.
Rick: G?
Miguel: Guillermo. He's the man here.
Rick: Okay then. Let's go see Guillermo. They walk up to the building and the doors open up. Guillermo walks out.
Guillermo: You okay, little man?
Miguel: They're gonna cut off my feet, carnal.
Guillermo: Cops do that?
Miguel: Not him. This redneck puto here. He cut off some dude's hand, man. He showed it to me.
Daryl: Shut up. Felipe comes out and points a gun at Daryl.
Felipe: Hey, that's that Vato right there, homes. He shot me in the ass with an arrow. What's up, homes, huh?
Guillermo: Chill, ese, chill. Chill. This true? He wants Miguelito's feet? That's pretty sick, man.
Rick: We were hoping more for a calm discussion.
Guillermo: That hillbilly jumps Felipe's little cousin, beats on him, threatens to cut off his feet, Felipe gets an arrow in the ass and you want a calm discussion? You fascinate me.
Rick: Heat of the moment. Mistakes were made on both sides.
Guillermo: Who's that dude to you anyway? You don't look related.
Rick: He's one of our group, more or less. I'm sure you have a few like him.
Daryl: You got my brother in there?
Guillermo: Sorry, we're fresh out of white boys. But I've got Asian. You interested?
Rick: I have one of yours, you have one of mine. Sounds like an even trade.
Guillermo: Don't sound even to me.
Miguel: G. Come on, man.
Guillermo: My people got attacked. Where's the compensation for their pain and suffering? More to the point, where's my bag of guns?
Rick: Guns?
Guillermo: The bag Miguel saw in the street. The bag Felipe and Jorge were going back to get. That bag of guns.
Rick: You're mistaken.
Guillermo: I don't think so.
Rick: About it being yours. It's my bag of guns.
Guillermo: The bag was in the street. Anybody could come around and say it was theirs. I'm supposed to take your word? What's to stop my people from unloading on you right here and now and I take what's mine?
Rick: You could do that. Or not. He indicates to the wall and T-Dog has the sniper rifle pointed at Guillermo.
T-Dog: Come on, man. Make the trade. Please.
Guillermo: Oye. Two men appear on the roof with Glenn.
Guillermo: I see two options. You come back with Miguel and my bag of guns, everybody walks. Or you come back locked and loaded, we'll see which side spills more blood. The Vatos head back into the hideout and shut the door. Building Rick unzips the bag of guns and starts to divide them.
Daryl: Them guns are worth more than gold. Gold won't protect your family or put food on the table. You're gonna give that up for that kid?
T-Dog: If I knew we'd get Glenn back, I might agree. But you think that Vato across the way is just gonna hand him over?
Miguel: You calling g a liar?
Daryl: Are you a part of this? You want to hold onto your teeth? Daryl slaps him.
T-Dog: Question is, do you trust that man's word?
Daryl: No, question is what are you willing to bet on it? Could be more than them guns. Could be your life. Glenn worth that to you?
Rick: What life I have I owe to him. I was nobody to Glenn, just some idiot stuck in a tank. He could have walked away, but he didn't. Neither will I.
Daryl: So you're gonna hand the guns over?
Rick: I didn't say that. There's nothing keeping you two here. You should get out, head back to camp.
T-Dog: And tell your family what?
Miguel: Come on, this is nuts. Just do like g says. Hideout The group leads Miguel back with his hands tied behind his back. The doors open and Rick pushes Miguel in.
Guillermo: I see my guns but they're not all in the bag.
Rick: That's because they're not yours. I thought I mentioned that.
Felipe: Let's just shoot these fools right now, ese. All right? Unload on their asses, ese.
Guillermo: I don't think you fully appreciate the gravity of the situation.
Rick: No, I'm pretty clear. Rick cuts Miguel free.
Rick: You have your man. I want mine.
Guillermo: I'm gonna chop up your boy. I'm gonna feed him to my dogs. They're the evilest, nastiest man-eating bitches you ever saw. I picked them up from Satan at a yard sale. I told you how it has to be. Are you woefully deaf?
Rick: No, my hearing's fine. You said come locked and loaded. Everyone cocks their guns and Rick points his gun at Guillermo.
Rick: Okay then, we're here. Suddenly, an old woman comes out from behind the group and shouts for Felipe.
Abuela: Felipe! Felipe!
Felipe: Abuela, go back with the others... now.
Daryl: Get that old lady out of the line of fire!
Guillermo: Abuela, listen to your mijo, okay? This is the not the place for you right now.
Abuela: Mr. Gilbert is having trouble breathing. He needs his asthma stuff. Carlitos didn't find it. He needs his medicine.
Guillermo: Felipe, go take care of it, okay? And take your grandmother with you.
Felipe: ¡Abuela! Ven conmigo por favor.
Abuela: Who are those men?
Felipe: Por favor, ven conmigo.
Abuela: Don't you take him.
Rick: Ma'am?
Abuela: Felipe's a good boy. He has his trouble but he pulls himself together. We need him here.
Rick: Ma'am, I'm not here to arrest your grandson.
Abuela: Then what do you want him for?
Rick: He's... Helping us find a missing person. Fella named Glenn.
Abuela: The Asian boy? He's with Mr. Gilbert. Come. Come, I'll show you. The grandmother takes Rick's hand and takes him.
Abuela: He needs his medicine.
Guillermo: Let 'em pass. The Vatos let them pass. Nursing Home The grandmother takes Rick, Daryl, and T-Dog into a nursing home where a lot of elderly, sick patients are staying at.
Felipe: Abuela, por favor. Take me to him. Rick realizes that the Vatos are protecting the individuals that are staying at the home. They come into the gymnasium where they find an elderly man having an asthma attack. Felipe and Glenn help him.
Felipe: All right. All right. Nice and easy. Just breathe. Just breathe. Just let it out. Just breathe. Just relax.
Rick: What the hell is this?
Glenn: An asthma attack. Couldn't get his breath all of a sudden.
T-Dog: I thought you were being eaten by dogs, man. They look at the dogs which are little Chihuahuas.
Rick: Could I have a word with you? You're the dumbest son of a bitch I ever met. We walked in there ready to kill every last one of you.
Guillermo: Well, I'm glad it didn't go down that way.
Rick: If it had, that blood would be on my hands.
Guillermo: Mine too. We'd have fought back. Wouldn't be the first time we've had to. Protect the food, the medicine... what's left of it. These people, the old ones... the staff took off, just left 'em here to die. Me and Felipe were the only ones who stayed.
Rick: What are you, doctors?
Guillermo: Felipe's a nurse... a special care provider. Me, I'm the custodian.
Rick: What about the rest of your crew?
Guillermo: The Vatos trickle in to check on their parents, their grandparents. They see how things are and most decide to stay. It's a good thing too. We need the muscle. The people we've encountered since things fell apart, the worst kind... plunderers, the kind that take by force.
Rick: That's not who we are.
Guillermo: How was I to know? My people got attacked and you show up with Miguel hostage... appearances.
T-Dog: Guess the world changed.
Guillermo: No. It's the same as it ever was. The weak get taken. So we do what we can here. The Vatos work on those cars, talk about getting the old people out of the city. But most can't even get to the bathroom by themselves, still, it keeps the crew busy, and that's worth something. So we barred all the windows, welded all the doors shut except for one entrance. The Vatos, they go out, scavenge what they can to keep us going. We watch the perimeter night and day and we wait. The people here, they all look to me now. I don't even know why.
Rick: Because they can. Rick hands Guillermo his shotgun and they divide the guns 50/50 for both groups. Outside The four men leave the nursing home.
Glenn: Admit it, you only came back to Atlanta for the hat.
Rick: Don't tell anybody.
Daryl: You've given away half our guns and ammo.
Rick: Not nearly half.
Daryl: For what? Bunch of old farts who are gonna die off momentarily anyhow? Seriously, how long you think they got?
Rick: How long do any of us? They come to the spot where their truck was, but it is gone.
Glenn: Oh my God.
Daryl: Where the hell's our van?
Glenn: We left it right there. Who would take it?
Rick: Merle.
Daryl: He's gonna be taking some vengeance back to camp.
RV
Andrea searches for something in the cabinets. Dale comes in.
Andrea: Wrapping paper, color tissue, anything?
Dale: Seriously?
Andrea: How can you not have any?
Dale: Had I been informed of the impending apocalypse I'd have stocked up.
Andrea: It's Amy's birthday tomorrow. I've been marking days on the calendar just to make sure. She shows him the mermaid necklace that she got for Amy at the department store in Atlanta.
Andrea: You don't give a gift unwrapped.
Dale: Deep breath. I'm sure I'll find something here. Outside
Morales: I, uh, built up the rocks all around. See? So the flames can be a little higher and have 'em be hidden. Shane and Carl walk up to Jim.
Shane: Hey, Jim. How you feeling, man?
Jim: I'm better. More myself now.
Shane: I hope you understand the need for this... this timeout. I've got others I've got to think about. I just want to make sure there's no... there's no hard feelings.
Jim: There's not. I do understand.
Shane: Okay. Why don't you come join in with the rest of us? Big ol' fish fry.
Jim: I'd like that very much.
Shane: Okay. Tent Carol and Sophia come to see Ed in the tent. Ed's face is bruised and he has been in the tent since the beating.
Carol: Why don't you come outside with everybody?
Ed: Hell with them people. Wouldn't piss on them if their heads were on fire. Sophia goes to leave, but Ed holds onto her.
Ed: Hey! Why don't you stay here? Keep your daddy company.
Carol: Ed, she wants to join in. Come on. They both leave. Ed continues to lie down in the tent.
Ed: Fine. Hell with the both of you. Ain't no need to be bothering me no more the rest of the night. Outside As dusk approaches, Rick, Glenn, T-Dog & Daryl run back to camp before Merle arrives. Survival Camp The group enjoys a fish dinner. Everyone is having a good time.
Woman: Pass the fish, please.
Man: Here you go.
Man: Man o man, that's good. I miss this.
Morales: I've got to ask you, man. It's been driving me crazy.
Dale: What?
Morales: That watch.
Dale: What's wrong with my watch?
Morales: I see you every day, the same time, winding that thing like a village priest saying mass.
Jacqui: I've wondered this myself.
Dale: I'm missing the point.
Jacqui: Unless I've misread the signs, the world seems to have come to an end. At least hit a speed bump for a good long while.
Morales: But there's you every day winding that stupid watch.
Dale: Time... it's important to keep track, isn't it? The days at least. Don't you think, Andrea? Back me up here. I like... I like what, um, a father said to son when he gave him a watch that had been handed down through generations. He said, "I give you the mausoleum of all hope and desire, which will fit your individual needs no better than it did mine or my father's before me; I give it to you not that you may remember time, but that you may forget it for a moment now and then and not spend all of your breath trying to conquer it."
Amy: You are so weird. Everyone laughs.
Dale: It's not me. It's Faulkner. William Faulkner. Maybe my bad paraphrasing. Amy gets up from the campfire.
Andrea: Where are you going?
Amy: I have to pee. Jeez, you try to be discreet around here... Everyone laughs. Tent At Ed's tent, Ed hears footsteps and sees a figure of a person outside of his tent. Ed thinks it Carol.
Ed: Thought I told y'all to leave me the hell alone, didn't I? Hey! What'd I say? The person claws at the tent and Ed opens it to yell at her. It's a Walker. Outside Amy comes out of the RV.
Amy: We're out of toilet paper? Tent The Walker jumps on him and takes a bite right out of his neck. Several other Walkers join in. Survival Camp When Amy steps out, a Walker steps right up to her and takes a bite out of her arm. She screams in pain. Andrea witnesses this and screams. Everyone starts to scatter.
Carl: Mom!
Lori: Carl!
Shane: Lori, get him down! He grabs his shotgun and shoots several Walkers with it. Outside Nearby, Rick, T-Dog, Glenn, and Daryl hear the gunshots and they run faster.
Rick: Oh my God.
Glenn: Go! Go! Survival Camp Jim picks up a baseball bat and crushes a Walker's skull with it. Everyone takes cover and Dale picks up his rifle. Some people are attacked and bitten by Walkers. Morales grabs a baseball bat and kills one of the Walkers with it.
Lori: I'm right here. Shane, what do we do? Shane?
Morales: Follow me! The Walker that attacked Amy takes a bite out of her neck. Andrea runs to Amy screaming. Jim kills the Walker that attacked Amy and Andrea kneels over her sister.
Andrea: No! No! Oh God! Oh my God!
Amy: Help me.
Andrea: Oh God, I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. The fight continues and Shane keeps Lori and Carl close.
Shane: Come on. Come on, stay close.
Lori: Carol!
Shane: Stay close! Morales continues to kill two more Walkers that are trying to get at his family.
Shane: Come on, y'all! Work your way up here!
Lori: Right in front of you. Shane! Shane shoots another Walker.
Morales: Get to the RV! Go! Morales is able to kill three more and flees for the RV.
Lori: Shane! Shane!
Shane: Stay with me. Stay behind me. Morales, work up here!
Lori: Get behind me! Let's go! Stay with me.
Shane: Come on, make your way to the Winnebago! Rick, T-Dog, Daryl, and Glenn arrive in time to kill more of the Walkers to save their group. Rick shoots five of the Walkers, Daryl kills four, two with the butt of his rifle, Glenn shots two, T-Dog shoots one and kills another with the butt of his rifle.
Rick: Baby! Carl! Baby!
Carl: Dad!
Rick: Carl! When the Walkers are dead, Carl runs to Rick and gives him a hug. Jim survives the fight and comes back to rejoin everyone. Andrea continues to stay by Amy's side.
Andrea: Amy. I don't know what to do, Amy. Oh, Amy. Oh no no. Amy touches Andrea's cheek to let her know she loves her and then she dies. Andrea begins to sob. Carl also begins to cry when he sees that Amy is dead.
Andrea: Amy! Amy! Amy! As everyone else gets rounded back up, Jim turns away to see Amy.
Jim: I remember my dream now, why I dug the holes. They look at the camp with several dead Walkers on the ground. | Plan: A: Rick's group; Q: Who scuffles with a group of Latino survivors protecting the residents of a nursing home in Atlanta? A: Rick; Q: Who is able to defuse the situation peacefully? A: Rick's weapons; Q: What do the Latino survivors want? A: camp; Q: Where do Rick and his group return to after the nursing home incident? A: Andrea; Q: Whose sister is Amy? A: Carol; Q: Whose husband Ed is killed by the walker horde? Summary: Rick's group briefly scuffles with a group of Latino survivors protecting the residents of a nursing home in Atlanta, who want Rick's weapons, but Rick is able to defuse the situation peacefully. They return to camp too late to stop a walker horde from attacking, killing Andrea 's sister Amy , and Carol 's husband Ed. |
Originally written by Alexa Junge
Scene: Monica and Rachel's: everyone is there and they are watching an info-mercial that stars Joey.]
HOST: Welcome everybody, welcome to Amazing Discoveries!
PHOEBE: Oh, oh! It's on again!
JOEY: You guys, can we please not watch this all right.
ALL: Shhhh!
HOST: Folks, has this ever happened to you. You go to the refrigerator to get a nice glass of milk, (Joey is in the background struggling to open a cartoon of milk) and these darn cartons are so flingin'-flangin' hard to open.
JOEY: (on tv) Oh, you said it Mike. (rips open the carton and spills milk on the counter) Aw! There's got to be a better way!
MIKE: And there is Kevin.
JOEY: Can we please turn this off?
RACHEL: Noo way, Kevin.
MIKE: There is a revolutionary new product that guarantees that you'll never have to open up milk cartons again. Meet the Milk Master
ROSS: (to Chandler) Are you intrigued?
CHANDLER: You're flingin'-flangin' right I am!
MIKE: Keep in mind, he's never used this product before, you're gonna see how easy this is to do. (to Kevin) Go ahead. ('Kevin' starts using the product, it is a spout that you jab into a paper milk carton so that you don't have to rip it open.) This works with any milk carton.
JOEY: (on TV, finishing installing the Milk Master 2000) Wow, it is easy. (starts to poor the milk) Now, I can have milk everyday.
(they all start laughing at him)
OPENING CREDITS
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Monica, Janice are sitting on the couch, and Phoebe is sitting next to them in the chair.]
CHANDLER: Well, it's official there are no good movies.
JANICE: Well, let's go to a bad one and make out. (they start to kiss and lean back into Monica.)
MONICA: Perhaps, you would like me to turn like this, (turns sideways on the couch) so that you can bunny bump against my back.
JOEY: (entering) Hey!
PHOEBE: Hey.
CHANDLER: Hey, man. What's up?
JOEY: Maybe you can tell me. My agent would like to know why I didn't show up at the audition I didn't know I had today. The first good thing she gets me in weeks. How could you not give me the message?!
CHANDLER: Well, I'll tell ya I do enjoy guilt, but, ah, it wasn't me.
PHOEBE: Yes, it was! It was him! Uh huh! (they all stare at her) Okay, it was me!
JOEY: How is it you?
PHOEBE: Well, it was just, it was all so crazy, you know. I mean, Chandler was in the closet, counting to 10, and he was up to 7 and I hadn't found a place to hide yet. I-I-I meant to tell you, and I wrote it all down on my hand. See, all of it. (shows him her hand)
JOEY: Yep, that's my audition.
MONICA: See, now this is why I keep notepads everywhere.
PHOEBE: Yep, and that's why we don't invite you to play.
JANICE: What is the great tragedy here? You go get yourself another appointment.
JOEY: Well, Estelle tried, you know. The casting director told her that I missed my chance.
PHOEBE: That is unfair. I'll call her and tell her it was totally my fault.
JOEY: Pheebs, you can't do that. The casting director doesn't talk to friends, she only talks to agents.
PHOEBE: What a sad little life she must lead. Okay, ooh (starts dialing).
JOEY: What, what are you doing? What are you doing?
PHOEBE: No, no, no, I know, I know, ooh. (on the phone in a different voice) 'Hi, this is Katelynn, from Phoebe Buffay's office. Um, is um, Ann there for Phoebe, she'll know what it's about.'
JOEY: Hang up, hang up. (reaches with his good arm, but Phoebe grabs it and he tries to reach the phone with his other arm but can't because of the sling.)
PHOEBE: (on phone) 'Annie! Hi. Listen we got a problem with Joey Tribbiani, apparently he missed his audition. Who did you speak to in my office? Estelle, no, I don't know what I'm going to do with her. No. All right, so your husband leaves and burns down the apartment, the world does not stop.'
CHANDLER: Is anybody else scared?
PHOEBE: (on phone) 'Right, well look, um, if Joey loses this audition, that is it for Estelle. I don't care! Annie you are a doll, what time can you see him?' (to Monica) I need a pen. (Chandler hands her one, but she needs something to right on, so she tilts Chandler's head over and writes on the back of his neck)
CHANDLER: Get the woman a pad! Get the woman a pad! A pad! A pad!
MONICA: Oh, now you want a pad.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Carol and Susan are dropping off Ben]
CAROL and SUSAN: (entering) Hey!!
ROSS: There's my boy! Here's my boy! And here's his Barbi (Ben is holding a Barbi doll) What's ah, what's my boy doing with a Barbi?
CAROL: He picked it out of the toy store himself, he loves it.
SUSAN: He carries it everywhere, it's like a security blanket, but with ski boots and a kicky beret.
ROSS: Yeah, it's, it's, it's cute. Why, why, why does he have it, again?
SUSAN: So he's got a doll? So what? Unless you're afraid he's gonna grow up and be in show business.
CAROL: This doesn't have anything to do with the fact that he is being raised by two women, does it?
ROSS: You know what it's fine. If you're okay with the Barbi thing, so am I.
(cut to later in the day)
ROSS: Give daddy the Barbi! Ben, give, give me the Barbi. Okay, how 'bout, don't you want to play with the monster truck? (makes a monster truck sound) No. Okay, oh, oh, how about a Dino-soilder?
(squawks like a dinosaur)
RACHEL: Ross, you are so pathetic. Why can't your son just play with his doll? (uses the Milk Master 2000 to pour milk into her cereal)
MONICA: (entering from her bedroom) I gotta go to work. Has anybody seen my left boob?
JOEY: I love that movie. (Joey is using it as a pillow)
MONICA: There it is. Joey, what are you doing?
JOEY: I'm sorry, it just felt nice.
CHANDLER: (entering with his ringing phone) Joe. Joe! Answer the phone.
JOEY: Hey, I only got one good arm, you know. You should be doing stuff for me. Go get me a sweater.
CHANDLER: Just do it! Okay, it's Janice and if I get it I'm going to have to see her tonight. (phone stops ringing) Oh, that's great I'm gonna have to see her tonight.
RACHEL: What's the big deal? Why don't you wanna see Janice?
CHANDLER: Okay, last night at dinner, when the meals came, she put half her chicken piccata on my plate and took my tomatoes.
ROSS: And that's bad because..., you hate chicken piccata?
CHANDLER: Noo.
ROSS: You didn't want to share your tomatoes, tomatoes are very important to you.
CHANDLER: No, it's like all of the sudden, we were this couple. And this alarm started going off in my head: 'Run for your life! Get out of the building!'
RACHEL: Men are unbelievable.
MONICA: What is it with you people! I mean, the minute you start to feel something, you have to run away?
CHANDLER: I know, that, (looks at her fake chest, and loses his train of thought, temporarily) that's why I don't want to go tonight, I'm afraid I'm going to say something stupid.
MONICA: Oh, you mean like that guy thing where you act mean and distant until you get us to break up with you.
JOEY: Hey, you know about that?!
CHANDLER: Look what do I do? I wanna get past this, I don't wanna be afraid of the commitment thing. I wanna go through the tunnel, to the other side!
(Joey looks quizzically at Ross)
ROSS: (to Joey) Where there is no fear of commitment.
CHANDLER: Do we have any...(turns around and bumps Monica's fake chest) Do we have any thoughts here?
JOEY: Well, I've never been through the tunnel myself, 'cause as I understand it, you're not allowed to go through with more than one girl in the car, right. But, it seems to me it's pretty much like anything else, you know, face your fear. It have a fear of heights, you go to the top of the building! If you're afraid of bugs.....get a bug. Right. In this case, you have a fear of commitment, so I say you go in there and be the most committed guy there ever was.
RACHEL: Amazingly, that makes sense.
CHANDLER: You think?
JOEY: Oh, yeah. Go for it man, jump off the high dive, stare down the barrel of the gun, pee into the wind!
CHANDLER: Yeah, Joe, I assure you if I'm staring down the barrel of a gun, I'm pretty much peeing every which way.
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe's beeper is going off]
PHOEBE: Oh, it's your audition from this morning. Can I use the phone again?
RACHEL: Sure Pheebs, you know, that's what it's there for, emergencies and pretend agents.
JOEY: Come on baby, come on!
PHOEBE: (on phone, in 'Katelynn's' voice) 'Hi, I have Phoebe Buffay returning a page. Okay, well, um, she's in her car I'll have to patch you through.'
RACHEL: Very nice touch.
PHOEBE: (in voice, on phone) 'Okay, go ahead.' (in normal voice on phone) Um, hi Annie. (listens) Fantastic! (to Joey) You got it. (on phone) Oh, okay, um, 'Will he work for scale?' you ask me. Well, I don't know about that, (Joey clears his throat to signify yes) except that I do and he will. Great, oh you are such a sweetheart. I would love to have lunch with you, how about we have lunch next....(hangs up phone) Op, went through a tunnel.
RACHEL: Unbelievable.
JOEY: Thank you so much.
PHOEBE: It was really fun, I mean I've never talked on a car phone before.
JOEY: You were amazing, could you just do me this huge favor, you see there's this one other audition that I really, really want, and Estelle couldn't get me in.
PHOEBE: Oh, I don't know. I mean it was fun one time.
JOEY: Come on, please, it'll be just this one more, well actually it's two.
PHOEBE: Two?
JOEY: Yeah! Well, well really it's three. Please. You're so good at it. I love you.
PHOEBE: Okay, I'll do it, but just these three, right
JOEY: Nooo, four.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler and Janice are having dinner]
JANICE: So, how come you wanted to eat in tonight?
CHANDLER: 'Cause, I wanted to uh, give you this. (hands her a present)
JANICE: Ohhh, are you a puppy! (opens it) Contact paper! I never really know what to say when someone you're sleeping with gives you contact paper.
CHANDLER: Well, wait there's, there's more. See the contact paper is to go into your brand new drawer. (gives her a drawer) See, the drawer actually goes in my dresser.
JANICE: Oh, you didn't have to do this.
CHANDLER: Yes, I did. Yes, I did. Because, you're my girlfriend, and that's what girlfriends should, should get.
JANICE: Well, I gotta buy a vowel. Because, oh my Gawd! Who, would've thought that someday, Chandler Bing would buy me a drawer.
CHANDLER: Well, not me. But that's what's happened, and, ah, and, and there's more. We should take a trip.
JANICE: We should?
CHANDLER: Yep, we're a couple and that's what couples do. And, I wanna meet your parents. We should take a trip with your parents!
JANICE: (laughs) I don't think we need to, because you're tripping me out right now! Are you okay?
CHANDLER: I am, I actually am. I mean this is amazing. My entire life I have feared this place, and now that I'm here it's like what was the big deal. I could probably say 'Let's move in together.' and I'd be okay.
JANICE: You probably want us to move in together?
CHANDLER: It doesn't scare me!
JANICE: Yeah, well, it scares me! I mean I not even divorced yet, Chandler. You know, you just invited me over here for pasta, and all of the sudden you're talking about moving in together. And, and I wasn't even that hungry. You know what, it's getting a little late, and I-I should just, um...(starts to leave)
CHANDLER: Oh, no, no, no, don't go! I've scared ya'! I've said too much! I'm hopeless, and awkward, and desperate for love!! (Janice leaves, Chandler then calls Janice to leave a message on her machine) Hey, Janice! It's me. Um, yeah, I-I-I just wanna apologize in advance for having chased you down the street. (runs out the door)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Rachel are comforting Chandler]
RACHEL: Honey, this will help. (hands him a tub of ice cream)
CHANDLER: So, I finally catch up to her and she says this relationship is going to fast and we have to slow down.
RACHEL and MONICA: Uff.
MONICA: That is never good.
CHANDLER: Then I got all needy and clingy.
RACHEL: Okay, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. Maybe it's not so bad. How did you leave it?
CHANDLER: She said she'd call me.
RACHEL and MONICA: Ohh! (both grab there stomachs in pain)
CHANDLER: Oh God.
MONICA: Welcome to our side of the tunnel.
CHANDLER: This ice cream tastes like crap by the way.
RACHEL: Yeah, well that's that lo-cal, non dairy, soy milk junk. We sort of, we save the real stuff for those really terminal cases.
MONICA: You know, when you start get screwed over all the time, you gotta switch to low-fat.
RACHEL: Yeah, you do.
CHANDLER: So, you don't think I'm terminal?
MONICA: Well, no, not at all, you're not terminal, you just, you just need some damage control.
CHANDLER: Okay, okay. So, should I call her?
RACHEL and MONICA: Nooo!
RACHEL: This is a very critical time right now. If you feel yourself reaching for that phone, then you go shoe shopping, you get your butt in a bubble bath. You want her back you have to start acting aloof.
MONICA: She has to know that your not ready.
RACHEL: Right. So, what you have to do is, you have to accidentally run into her on purpose. And then act aloof.
CHANDLER: So I'm not, not gonna lose her?
RACHEL: Oooh, honey, you're not a total loser.
CHANDLER: I said, 'So I'm not gonna lose her?'
RACHEL: Oh.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross is still trying to get Ben to play with something other than the Barbi doll.]
ROSS: Guess who's here. It's the toughest guy in toy land, Ben. (singing) 'A real American hero. I'm G.I. Joe!' Drop the Barbi, drop the Barbi.
RACHEL: G.I. Joe? Do you really think he's gonna fall for that?
JOEY: (entering) G. I. Joe! Cool! Can I play?
ROSS: Look Ben, it's a toy that protects U.S. oil interests overseas!
JOEY and ROSS: Go Joe!!!
PHOEBE: (entering) Helloo! Oh! (sees Joey and starts to leave)
JOEY: Pheebs! There you are!
PHOEBE: No it's not, sorry.
JOEY: But Phoebe, wait! Wait! Phoebe. Phoebe! (catches her in the hallway)
PHOEBE: Oh, Joey! Oh, okay, see I didn't recognize you wearing, in those....pants.
JOEY: Look listen, that TV movie I went in for? Did you hear anything? I think I got a shot at it.
PHOEBE: Yes! They called and you didn't get it! Okay, I mean you didn't get it, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
JOEY: It's okay, these things happen.
PHOEBE: But they shouldn't happen, you know what, you're, you're in a terrible, terrible business. Oh God, I don't wanna be the person who makes your face look like that.
JOEY: I'm, I'm okay. See. (tries to smile, but fails horribly)
PHOEBE: Oh, now you're sad and creepy, oh. You know what, I, I'm sorry I quit, okay, I just quit.
JOEY: No! No, no you can't quit! You're the best agent I ever had! Look Pheebs, rejection is part being an actor, you can't take it personally.
PHOEBE: Not personal, really, well they said that they never met an Italian actor with a worse Italian accent.
JOEY: They actually said that?
PHOEBE: Yeah. Ooh God, there's that face again! See I can't do this job! I...
JOEY: No, no, no, see that's why you have to do this job, agents always lie. You know, Estelle just says stuff like 'They went another way', but this, I can use this. (in a very bad Italian accent) I canna work on a new accent.
PHOEBE: Yeah okay, no if it helps you okay. Yeah.
ROSS: (running into the hall, in slow motion) You'll never get me, Joe!!! (he then pretends that he gets shot repeatedly and falls back against Joey and Chandler's door, dead.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Scene: A grocery store that Janice shops in. Chandler is on purpose, accidentally bumping into her.]
JANICE: (to butcher) No, thank you. (Chandler makes a sound and she notices him) Chandler!
CHANDLER: (in a British accent) Hello, Janice.
JANICE: What are you doing here?
CHANDLER: (in accent) Oh, just a bit of shopping. How've you been?
JANICE: Are you being British?!
CHANDLER: (normal voice) No. Not anymore.
JANICE: Why are you shopping here? You don't live in this neighborhood. Were you here waiting for me?
CHANDLER: Yeah, huh. I'm just uh, you know I'm just picking up some things for a party. (grabs a bag off of the shelf)
JANICE: Barley? What kind of party serves barley?
CHANDLER: Well, I'm sorry if my friends aren't as sophisticated as yours.
JANICE: Where is this party?
CHANDLER: Here in Chelsea.
JANICE: Who's party is it?
CHANDLER: A woman's
JANICE: What woman?!
CHANDLER: (shyly) Chelsea.
JANICE: Okay, you know, one of two things is happening here. Either you're seeing somebody behind my back, which would make you the biggest jerk on the planet. Or, else you're pretending that you're seeing somebody, which just makes you so pathetic that I could start crying right here in the cereal aisle. So like which of these two guys do you want to be? (another guy walks by)
CHANDLER: Can I be that guy?
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey and Phoebe are there]
PHOEBE: Okay, so we got some more good rejections, lots of stuff to work on.
JOEY: Okay, shoot.
PHOEBE: Okay, um, oh, the zoo commercial.
JOEY: I didn't get it?
PHOEBE: No. They said you 'Weren't believable as a human being.' So, you can work on that.
JOEY: Okay, what else?
PHOEBE: Um, the off-Broadway play people said 'You were pretty but dumb'.
JOEY: Oh.
PHOEBE: Oh no wait, I'm sorry, that's 'pretty dumb.'
JOEY: Look, it's okay, no, no, no, really, look um, I really appreciate this Pheebs, but I think I'm gonna have to go back to Estelle.
PHOEBE: Oh.
JOEY: Yeah, well don't get me wrong, you're a better agent than she is, but at least with her I don't want to blow my pretty dumb brains out.
PHOEBE: Yeah, no, I understand.
JOEY: You do, thanks.
PHOEBE: Yeah. Sorry. (she starts to leave)
JOEY: Wait a minute.
PHOEBE: What?
JOEY: Wait a minute, did you just make up all that stuff just to get out of being my agent.
PHOEBE: (in a coy tone) Oh, you caught me. I am so busted.
JOEY: (in a really, really bad Italian accent) That's-ah what I suspected-ah.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is laying on the counter and Rachel and Monica are comforting him again.]
CHANDLER: ....And then I just, you know, threw the bag of barley at her, and ran out of the store.
MONICA: My God! Chandler, we said be 'aloof' not 'a doof'.
CHANDLER: I've actually ruined this haven't I? It's time for the good ice cream now, right?
RACHEL: Yeah, it is.
MONICA: You know what, everything's gonna be okay.
(phone rings)
CHANDLER: (answering phone) Hello. Hi, Janice! Can you hold on for a second? Okay. (to Monica and Rachel) Okay, what do I do?
RACHEL: Shhh...I don't know what to do, this is totally unprecedented.
MONICA: If-if-if we ever did what you did a man would never call.
RACHEL: Yeah.
CHANDLER: Hello!
MONICA: Oh wait, you know what, I got it, I got it, pretend like you just woke up, okay, that will throw her off. Be sleepy.
RACHEL: Yes, and grumpy.
CHANDLER: What are you, stop naming dwarves! (on phone) Hello, Janice. Hi, I'm so glad that you called, I know I've been acting a really weird lately. And, it's just because I'm crazy about you, and I just got...stupid, and, and scared, and....stupid a couple of more times. I'm sorry. (listens) Really?! (listens) Really?!
RACHEL: He's soo lucky, if Janice were a guy, she'd be sleeping with somebody else by now.
CHANDLER: (on phone) I love you too.
MONICA: Aw, it's soo unfair. (they both start digging into the 'good' ice cream)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Carol and Susan are picking up Ben, while Monica is pouring chocolate syrup, lots of it, into her ice cream.]
CAROL: G. I. Joe. G. I. Joe?!
ROSS: Hey, I don't know what to tell you guys that's the doll he chose.
SUSAN: What'd you do, dip it in sugar?
ROSS: Look, G. I. Joe's in, Barbi's out. And if you guys can't deal with it, that's your 'too bad.'
MONICA: What are you being such a weenie for? So he has a Barbi, big deal. You used to dress up like a woman.
ROSS: What?
MONICA: Well, you used to dress up in Mom's clothes all the time.
ROSS: What are you talking about?
MONICA: The big hat, the pearls, the little pick handbag.
ROSS: Okay, you are totally making this up.
MONICA: How can you not remember? You made us call you...Bea.
ROSS: (remembering) Oh God.
SUSAN: I've literally never been this happy.
MONICA: Wasn't there a little song?
CAROL: Oh please God, let there be a song.
ROSS: There was no song. (to Monica) There was no song!
MONICA: (singing) 'I am Bea.'
ROSS: Okay.
MONICA: 'I drink tea.'
ROSS: Okay, that's, that's enough. (retreats to the bathroom)
MONICA: '....Won't you, won't you, won't you.... '
ROSS: (coming out of the bathroom) Won't you dance around with me.
MONICA: A-ha!!! (they all start laughing, as Ross hides in the bathroom)
CLOSING CREDITS
[Scene: It's an old home movie of the Geller's backyard, young Ross is dressed up as Bea, and pouring himself/herself some tea.]
YOUNG ROSS: (singing) 'I am Bea. I drink tea. Won't you dance around with....' (spills some tea and it drips onto his/her dress) Ohhh! (runs away crying)
YOUNG MONICA: (entering the shot) Ross!!! (starts to wipe up the spill) | Plan: A: Phoebe; Q: Who pretends to be Joey's agent? A: the initial rush; Q: What wears off when Phoebe has to tell Joey why he is being turned down for parts? A: Ben; Q: Who brings a Barbie doll to Ross? A: Ross; Q: Who tries to get Ben to give up Barbie for G.I. Joe? A: his relationship; Q: What is Chandler advancing in with Janice? A: commitment; Q: What does Chandler fear in his relationship with Janice? A: the girls' advice; Q: What does Chandler seek when he is afraid of commitment? Summary: Phoebe pretends to be Joey's agent and has some success in getting him auditions; the initial rush soon wears off when she is forced to tell him why he is being turned down for parts. Ben brings a Barbie doll that he picked out himself on his weekend visit with Ross. This bothers Ross, who then tries to get him to give up Barbie in favor of G.I. Joe. Chandler is advancing in his relationship with Janice and, realizing his fear of commitment, seeks the girls' advice. |
SPEARHEAD FROM SPACE
BY: ROBERT HOLMES
5:15pm - 5:40pm
[SCENE_BREAK]
1: INT. SCOBIE'S HOUSE
(MAJOR GENERAL SCOBIE looks in shock through his open front door. Outside is himself, shiny-faced and expressionless but nevertheless a perfect facsimile of SCOBIE. It starts to enter the house and the real GENERAL backs off. The facsimile continues to walk towards its original...)
MAJOR GENERAL SCOBIE: No...no!
[SCENE_BREAK]
2: INT. UNIT HEADQUARTERS. LABORATORY
(At UNIT HQ, the sphere is still connected to the series of sensors, monitored by the DOCTOR and LIZ.)
BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE-STEWART: What are you actually trying to do, Doctor?
(The DOCTOR points at the sphere.)
DOCTOR: Well, it appears that in there we have what one might loosely call a brain. (To LIZ.) Fifty megacycles, Liz.
(LIZ turns a dial on the machine that she is stood over.)
DOCTOR: If we can establish the frequency on which it operates...
(He is interrupted by a small flash which emanates from LIZ'S machine.)
DOCTOR: Oh, dear.
LIZ: We overloaded the circuit, I think.
BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE-STEWART: Doctor, you were saying that this is some kind of brain.
DOCTOR: Yeah, or part of a brain. (Thoughtfully.) An intelligence...yes, that's probably nearer the mark.
BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE-STEWART: Sending signals somewhere. Where to?
DOCTOR: Well, the rest of itself, surely?
LIZ: The other globes that came down?
DOCTOR: (Nods.) Mmm hmm.
LIZ: They're all part of one entity? Let's say a collective intelligence.
(The BRIGADIER stares nervously at the sphere.)
BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE-STEWART: Can it see us?
(The DOCTOR gives a short laugh.)
DOCTOR: My dear fellow, it's not sentient.
LIZ: No, our measurements prove there's no physical substance inside it.
BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE-STEWART: But, if it is has no physical form...
DOCTOR: (Interrupts.) No, once here it can presumably create a...suitable shell for itself. Otherwise, there'd be no point in coming.
LIZ: (Realising.) The plastics factory.
DOCTOR: Yes.
(The desk tannoy buzzes and the BRIGADIER answers it.)
BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE-STEWART: (Into tannoy.) Yes?
UNIT SOLDIER: (OOV: Over tannoy.) General Scobie calling, sir.
BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE-STEWART: (Into tannoy.) Put him on.
(He picks up the phone.)
BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE-STEWART: (To the DOCTOR.) As soon as I get his authority, we'll move in.
[SCENE_BREAK]
3: INT. AUTO PLASTICS. MANAGING DIRECTOR'S OFFICE
(The replica SCOBIE is on the phone back in HIBBERT'S office...)
MAJOR GENERAL SCOBIE: (Into phone.) Stewart? About that Auto Plastic Factory. (He listens.) Yes, but it's off limits, I'm afraid. They've got some important work on hand - it mustn't be interfered with.
[SCENE_BREAK]
4: INT. UNIT HEADQUARTERS. LABORATORY
(The BRIGADIER is astounded...)
BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE-STEWART: (Into phone.) Sir, if you'll just...
(There is a click on the line.)
BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE-STEWART: (Angrily.) Oh, he's hung up.
(He slams the phone down.)
LIZ: What are you going to do now?
BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE-STEWART: There's not much I can do - except go over his head. Yes, I'll get on to the Home Secretary and if I don't get him to revoke that order, I'll go to UNIT headquarters in Geneva.
DOCTOR: That's gonna take time.
BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE-STEWART: The old fool! Just because he feels flattered they made a facsimile of him.
(The DOCTOR looks up from his bench...)
DOCTOR: Facsimile? Of General Scobie?
BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE-STEWART: A plastic replica, yes. Apparently, they make these things for Madame Tussaud's. It's one of their sidelines.
DOCTOR: Oh my goodness...
[SCENE_BREAK]
5: INT. MADAME TUSSAUD'S. DISPLAY ROOM
DOCTOR: (OOV.) The waxworks...?
(The famous waxworks is coming to the end of its day. On one side of the room, in front of heavy blue velvet curtains is a display of American Presidents. Washington looks down on Kennedy and Nixon. Hoover and Johnson are nearby with others. Two tourists look through their guide and then at the display. Behind them stand the DOCTOR and LIZ.)
DOCTOR: Well, I think this is the right room.
(He walks away from the Presidential display and towards another.)
DOCTOR: Liz?
LIZ: What?
DOCTOR: Do you recognise any of these people?
LIZ: Yes, of course.
(She looks towards a display which is a mixture of uniformed and civilian figures.)
LIZ: I think all that group are top civil servants. Hey, that's odd.
DOCTOR: Mmm?
LIZ: They're all Government types. There are no astronauts, famous personalities, you know - people like that.
DOCTOR: Yes...
(He spots an elderly uniformed Museum ATTENDANT.)
DOCTOR: Oh, excuse me?
ATTENDANT: Yes, sir?
(The ATTENDANT walks over.)
DOCTOR: I understand these figures aren't made of wax, is that right?
ATTENDANT: Yes, that's right, sir. These are plastic. It's an entirely new process.
DOCTOR: Are they supplying any more or is the tableau complete now?
ATTENDANT: Oh, they're coming in with them all the time, sir. Er, they brought that fellow in just this morning.
(He points over to a still but very familiar figure.)
LIZ: General Scobie!
DOCTOR: Well that was quick. When did he visit the factory?
LIZ: Yesterday afternoon.
(The DOCTOR and LIZ leave the ATTENDANT and walk up to the display. The DOCTOR goes round the back of the new arrival and starts to examine it closely.)
LIZ: What are you doing, Doctor?
(LIZ looks round and smiles nervously at the puzzled tourists. The DOCTOR carries on his examination, paying particular attention to the left arm. LIZ, embarrassed, speaks through gritted teeth.)
LIZ: Doctor, what are you doing?!
(The DOCTOR shushes her and looks at the watch on the model's arm. He then rejoins a wide-eyed LIZ.)
DOCTOR: Liz, if you were making a model of someone, would you put a wristwatch on it.
LIZ: Well, I might do - if it had to look really authentic.
DOCTOR: Yes, would you go to the trouble of winding it up and keeping it at the correct time? I think you and I had better have a word with Lethbridge-Stewart.
[SCENE_BREAK]
6: INT. UNIT HEADQUARTERS. BRIGADIER'S OFFICE
(CAPTAIN MUNRO takes the DOCTOR'S call...)
CAPTAIN MUNRO: (Into phone.) I'm afraid not. He's been out all day. Trying to see the Home Secretary, I gather.
[SCENE_BREAK]
7: INT. MADAME TUSSAUD'S. SIDE ROOM
(The DOCTOR and LIZ are on a public pay phone...)
DOCTOR: (Into phone.) Well, when he comes in, tell him that I'll call again later, will you? Goodbye.
(He puts the phone down.)
LIZ: Now what will we do?
DOCTOR: Well, there's only one thing we can do - wait.
LIZ: Wait for what?
DOCTOR: Closing time.
[SCENE_BREAK]
8: INT. AUTO PLASTICS. FACTORY CENTRE
(CHANNING is stood next to the tank-like machine, making adjustments. Through an observation window at the end of the machine, a creature can be seen inside. It has a large staring eye and many pink tendon-like strands which emanate outwards. HIBBERT stares at it.)
HIBBERT: What will it look like when it's ready?
CHANNING: I cannot tell you - yet.
HIBBERT: But you must know what it looks like - you made it.
CHANNING: I made nothing. I merely provided an environment tank in which the energy units can create the perfect life form.
HIBBERT: I don't understand.
CHANNING: (Quietly.) Of course you don't. How can you?
(He steps towards HIBBERT.)
HIBBERT: (Afraid.) You talk as though you were not...
CHANNING: (Interrupts.) Don't struggle against me, Hibbert.
(As he stares at him, HIBBERT'S hand moves to the back of his neck.)
CHANNING: Trust me. We must work together.
HIBBERT: Yes, of course.
CHANNING: Good. The swarm leader has to be brought here.
HIBBERT: But UNIT have taken it. How can we...?
CHANNING: (Interrupts.) You forget we have General Scobie.
HIBBERT: He's just a copy, Channing. If he's detected...
CHANNING: (Interrupts.) You have only seen the Autons. Crude weapons with a single offensive function.
(He stares at HIBBERT.)
CHANNING: But the facsimiles like Scobie's are perfect reproductions, even down to brain cells and memory traces. We shall activate them all tonight. You will see then how effective they are.
[SCENE_BREAK]
9: INT. UNIT HEADQUARTERS. LABORATORY
(The replica SCOBIE is in the UNIT lab with a regular Army officer. MUNRO, very uneasy in his manner, is escorting them. The replica SCOBIE, his face slightly shiny, looks down at the signalling globe.)
MAJOR GENERAL SCOBIE: Odd looking object.
CAPTAIN MUNRO: May I ask, sir, what you intend doing with it?
MAJOR GENERAL SCOBIE: The government are sending it to the Royal Geophysical Laboratory.
(The army officer stands menacingly behind MUNRO.)
CAPTAIN MUNRO: With respect, sir, I think the Brigadier ought to be informed first. I have no authority to part with it.
MAJOR GENERAL SCOBIE: (Curtly.) You can tell Brigadier Stewart I ordered you to hand it over.
CAPTAIN MUNRO: My orders must come through UNIT, sir.
MAJOR GENERAL SCOBIE: Captain Munro, you may be attached to UNIT but you're still in the army.
(MUNRO hesitates.)
MAJOR GENERAL SCOBIE: Will you give me the globe? Or shall I take it...
(He smiles.)
MAJOR GENERAL SCOBIE: ...and arrest you for mutiny?
(MUNRO considers...)
CAPTAIN MUNRO: You leave me no alternative, sir.
(MUNRO closes the lid of a box that the globe has been placed in - a plastic box.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
10: INT. MADAME TUSSAUD'S. DISPLAY ROOM (NIGHT)
(The waxworks is closing for the day. The display room is empty apart from the ATTENDANT who stands at a board of light switches hidden behind the curtains which he flicks off one by one. The room is plunged into darkness. His task done, the ATTENDANT picks up his bell and leaves the room. A moment later, the curtain behind the waxwork of Ghandi parts and the DOCTOR emerges, torch in hand, followed by LIZ. The cross over to the nearby tableau of plastic figures. LIZ is nervous in the mannequin-filled hall.)
LIZ: I don't like this.
DOCTOR: Well, there's nothing to be afraid of. They're only dummies...I think.
(He slowly moves across the display.)
DOCTOR: It's funny how their eyes seem to follow you, isn't it?
LIZ: Very.
(The DOCTOR moves off from her and stands still looking closely at one of the figures. LIZ sees that she cannot see him in the gloom.)
LIZ: Doctor?
(She moves next to him but he is so still that she cannot see him in the darkness.)
LIZ: Doctor? (Panicked.) Doctor?
(He moves...)
DOCTOR: Mmm?
(...and LIZ jumps out of her skin.)
LIZ: I thought I heard something.
DOCTOR: No, it's only your imagination.
LIZ: A...are they plastic?
DOCTOR: Yes...yes, I'm sure they are.
LIZ: But when you talked about the watch, you meant that this is the real General Scobie?
DOCTOR: Yes, and his plastic facsimile is walking around somewhere. Now just...
(LIZ hears footsteps outside the hall.)
LIZ: Someone's coming.
DOCTOR: Quick! Back behind the curtain.
(They rush over and regain their former hiding place. As soon as they do so, the door to the corridor opens and CHANNING and HIBBERT walk in. CHANNING looks round, a look of concern on his face.)
HIBBERT: What's wrong?
CHANNING: There is an alien life form somewhere near. I can sense it.
HIBBERT: There's only you and me here, and the facsimiles...and Scobie.
(CHANNING relaxes.)
CHANNING: Scobie, yes. Open the door.
(He moves towards the display of civil servants. HIBBERT watches him go and then does as instructed. Behind the curtain, the DOCTOR and LIZ listen intently.)
HIBBERT: (OOV.) What do you have to do to activate them?
(On the other side of the curtain, CHANNING answers the question...)
CHANNING: Nothing. They know it is time.
(Suddenly, various figures in the display come to life. With smooth movements, their rigid stances relax and they walk off the podium and over to the door. The DOCTOR and LIZ listen to this movement as the Autons walk between CHANNING and HIBBERT and out of the door.)
HIBBERT: Where are they going?
CHANNING: To take their places. It is time for them to begin work.
(CHANNING follows them out. HIBBERT hesitates a moment and then follows, closing the door behind him. Once again, the DOCTOR and LIZ come out of hiding and look at the display, now empty of all the non-historical figures bar SCOBIE. Suddenly they hear a scared voice behind them...)
HIBBERT: What are you doing here?!
(They spin round and see HIBBERT nervously looking at them.)
HIBBERT: You shouldn't...
DOCTOR: Shh!
(The DOCTOR walks over to him.)
HIBBERT: Channing will...
DOCTOR: Shh, shh, shh! If you tell Channing that we're here, the Autons will kill us, as I think they killed your friend Ransom.
(HIBBERT puts his hand to the back of his neck. He looks pained.)
HIBBERT: Ransom? I... had to dismiss him, because... Channing said...
(The DOCTOR interrupts, speaking intently to the confused and scared man...)
DOCTOR: Channing is controlling your mind. You must resist him. Channing is your enemy. The enemy of the entire human race!
HIBBERT: Channing is...is my partner. New policy...
DOCTOR: Now listen to me, Hibbert. You've got to get away from Channing. Get away and think. Now come to UNIT. I can help you.
CHANNING: (OOV: In corridor.) Hibbert!
(The DOCTOR and LIZ jump back into a natural alcove in the curtains, out of sight. CHANNING enters the room and speaks to HIBBERT.)
CHANNING: What are you doing?
HIBBERT: I was just checking.
CHANNING: There is nothing to check. We are finished here.
(He moves out. HIBBERT looks briefly at the DOCTOR and LIZ and then follows. They relax and breathe a sigh of relief.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
11: INT. UNIT HEADQUARTERS. BRIGADIER'S OFFICE (NIGHT)
(The DOCTOR and LIZ are back at UNIT HQ. The BRIGADIER has also returned from Geneva and the DOCTOR is urgently advising him of developments as CAPTAIN MUNRO looks on...)
DOCTOR: It's the facsimiles, Brigadier. They're moving. They've just left the waxworks.
LIZ: You've got to act quickly, Brigadier, or else it'll be too late. By tomorrow...
DOCTOR: (Interrupts.) By tomorrow, they will have taken over the key positions in the entire country. You've got to move against that factory now!
[SCENE_BREAK]
12: INT. AUTO PLASTICS. FACTORY CENTRE (NIGHT)
(The replica SCOBIE has arrived back at the plastics factory. He holds the sphere in its plastic box to CHANNING.)
MAJOR GENERAL SCOBIE: If they move against you, I shall be ready for them.
CHANNING: Humans are not predictable. It is growing difficult to maintain control over Hibbert.
MAJOR GENERAL SCOBIE: Hibbert is no longer necessary.
CHANNING: No. We need no one now.
(He reaches into the plastic box and takes out to glowing sphere. He then carries it over to one of the pieces of machinery in the room - a large tray-like holder, over which there is a square metal pipe leading off towards other machinery in the room. He places the sphere in the tray. Immediately, the creature in the tank starts to pulse with extra energy as CHANNING makes adjustments on the tray-like machine. The eye of the creature starts to twitch with life.)
CHANNING: At dawn, we will activate the Autons.
MAJOR GENERAL SCOBIE: Good.
CHANNING: Just a few more hours. Just a few more hours.
[SCENE_BREAK]
13: INT. UNIT HEADQUARTERS. LABORATORY (DAWN)
(LIZ and the DOCTOR are hard at work in the lab over a pile of wires which lead into a small portable machine. LIZ, tired after working through the night, holds two of the wires up. The DOCTOR seems un-fatigued by his labours. He has a few of the wires round his neck and a couple in his mouth as he makes adjustments to the machine. LIZ checks her watch.)
LIZ: It's nearly half-past five. Can't we take a break? I can hardly keep me eyes open.
DOCTOR: And a red...
(He picks up a red wire...)
DOCTOR: Here it is.
(...and adds them to the collection in his hand.)
DOCTOR: Hold onto those for a moment, will you?
(LIZ takes them.)
LIZ: Just think: the rest of the world is fast asleep.
(She yawns.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
14: EXT. LONDON HIGH STREET
(Being so early in the morning, the high street is nearly deserted. The rattle of milk bottles in the float is the only sound that pervades the quiet at the start of the day. One or two cars are reflected in the glass of the shop windows as they pass by. Within the window itself, various display mannequins are adorned in the latest smart coats and fashions. Suddenly, one of the figures twitches into life. Others follow. They sway on their feet and slowly start to flex their limbs. One of them has its hand raised. The fingers fall away and reveal an Auton gun...)
[SCENE_BREAK]
15: EXT. LONDON SIDE STREET
(Nearby a policeman is talking to a night-watchman. The sound of breaking glass reaches them. The policeman runs from the watchman's hut towards the sound.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
16: EXT. LONDON HIGH STREET
(The window dummies are stepping through the glass and into the street as cars and a bus pass. They all have their hand guns ready and primed. The policeman runs round the corner and sees the figures. His jaw drops but before he can react, an Auton fires at him and his stomach explodes in a cloud of red smoke. A nearby woman screams as the policeman falls. In another window, more dummies come to life. As they break out of their window, a passing cyclist looks up and is soon blasted off his bike. The Autons continue down the street and up behind a group of people standing patiently at a bus stop. They raise their hands and fire into the backs of the people. The ones at the front of the queue run in shock as those at the rear fall to the ground. Another woman screams and manages to duck out of the way before another shot hits the wall behind her. The Autons walk through the pile of corpses at the bus stop as people all down the high street start to run in terror, being blasted as they go...)
[SCENE_BREAK]
17: INT. UNIT HEADQUARTERS. LABORATORY
(Back at UNIT, the news of the attack and invasion reaches a horrified BRIGADIER in the lab.)
BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE-STEWART: (Into phone.) Are you sure? (He listens.) Well, get on to the police man! (Listens.) Try the army! (Listens.) Well, keep trying!
(He slams the phone down. The DOCTOR, sat at the lab bench, watches him.)
DOCTOR: It's started, hasn't it?
BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE-STEWART: Yes, all over the country. Window dummies coming alive, attacking police stations, barracks, communication centres.
(LIZ bangs a nearby radio.)
LIZ: The radio is dead as well.
DOCTOR: Now look, you two, we haven't got much time.
(He turns back to his machine.)
LIZ: Well now the globe has gone, we can't be sure if this is really going to work.
DOCTOR: Well, of course it'll work.
BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE-STEWART: What will work?
DOCTOR: Well, I'm trying to devise a weapon that we can use against them. Well it's not very efficient, I know, but it's the best that I can do. And then you've got to take me to the security area of that factory.
BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE-STEWART: Well, how can I? I can't even contact my support platoons.
DOCTOR: Well, how many men can you raise?
BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE-STEWART: Just my headquarters staff.
DOCTOR: Well then, that'll have to do, won't it?
[SCENE_BREAK]
18: INT. AUTO PLASTICS. FACTORY CENTRE
(HIBBERT, a metal bar in his hand, skirts the edge of the tank-like device. The DOCTOR'S words echo in his mind...)
DOCTOR: (OOV.) Channing is controlling your mind. You must resist him.
(HIBBERT tries to force the edge of the machine top with the metal bar.)
DOCTOR: (OOV.) Channing is your enemy...enemy...enemy...enemy...enemy...
(The DOCTOR'S words repeat in HIBBERT'S mind as he tries to control himself. Doing so, he starts to hit the machine with the bar. One of the electronic panels on the side explodes and an orange and green puss spurts out.)
CHANNING: Stop!
(CHANNING has entered the room. He stalks towards HIBBERT who runs round the other side of the machine.)
HIBBERT: No Channing! You can't stop me now!
(HIBBERT deliberately stands with his back to CHANNING to prevent his hypnotic control taking a hold again. The Auton controller stands on the machine over the little man.)
CHANNING: You should not have left the factory, Hibbert.
(HIBBERT cautiously looks round and sees CHANNING looming over him. He spins back round before he loses his self-control again. He keeps his eyes tightly closed as he garbles away...)
HIBBERT: Channing! I could think when I'm away from you. I know what's been happening. I know what I've done. You've been controlling my mind! The Doctor was right!
CHANNING: (Puzzled.) You've spoken to him?
(HIBBERT turns and faces CHANNING.)
HIBBERT: Who are you? What are you?
CHANNING: We are the Nestenes.
HIBBERT: Nestenes?
CHANNING: We have been colonising other planets for a thousand million years. Now we have come to colonise Earth.
HIBBERT: (Nervously.) Colonise? Then, what is going to happen to man? You'll destroy us.
CHANNING: You will be spared, Hibbert. You have helped us.
HIBBERT: I...helped you?
[SCENE_BREAK]
19: INT. UNIT HQ. GARAGE
(A convoy moves out of the doorway within the underground garage and past the commissionaire. It consists of a UNIT jeep and the DOCTOR'S "borrowed" car with himself and LIZ on board.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
20: INT. AUTO PLASTICS. FACTORY CENTRE
CHANNING: There is nothing you can do, Hibbert.
(HIBBERT moves round the tank and raises the metal bar. He fails to spot an Auton stood on the stairwell, gun-arm raised.)
HIBBERT: (Shouts.) If I destroy this, I destroy all of you!
(He brings the metal bar crashing down on the tank. CHANNING looks at the Auton who extends the gun out of its arm and fires at HIBBERT. The shot hits the little man in the back. He drops the bar, staggers against the tank and then falls back. CHANNING looks down at him dispassionately.)
CHANNING: Destroy. Total destruction!
(The Auton aims and fires again. The same imploded effect that vaporised Ransome has the same effect on HIBBERT.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
21: EXT. AUTO PLASTICS. BACK GATE
(The UNIT group stand at the back wooden door-gate to the factory. The DOCTOR has put a small fuse into the lock as the BRIGADIER, MUNRO and LIZ, carrying the DOCTOR'S machine, watch.)
DOCTOR: Will you stand well back, please?
(They do so and the DOCTOR lights the fuse. The flame shoots upwards quickly and the lock is blown out. The door shoots open and the DOCTOR gestures dramatically at the BRIGADIER and his small number of troops who rush through the gate. He and LIZ follow.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
22: INT. AUTO PLASTICS. FACTORY CENTRE
(An automated tannoy alarm comes through the communications unit in the factory centre. CHANNING goes over to listen to it.)
TANNOY VOICE: ...Section D. Attention! Attention! Intruders in Section D!
(CHANNING looks over the unit and its screen.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
23: EXT. AUTO PLASTICS. YARD
(The UNIT troops are on the metal staircase which leads up into the factory. Half way down, the BRIGADIER, LIZ and the DOCTOR watch their efforts to break in. LIZ looks behind them.)
LIZ: Someone sent out support troops after all.
(The DOCTOR, the BRIGADIER and MUNRO look round to see "SCOBIE" and a platoon of regular army troops in their green uniforms approaching. The troops are all armed.)
MAJOR GENERAL SCOBIE: Brigadier Stewart!
[SCENE_BREAK]
24: INT. AUTO PLASTICS. FACTORY CENTRE
(CHANNING watches the scene on his monitor...)
MAJOR GENERAL SCOBIE: (On monitor.) You and your men are under arrest!
[SCENE_BREAK]
25: EXT. AUTO PLASTICS. YARD
(The BRIGADIER shouts over "SCOBIE'S" head to his troops...)
BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE-STEWART: This isn't General Scobie! Now, listen to me...
MAJOR GENERAL SCOBIE: Order your men to lay down their arms, Brigadier, or they will be made...
[SCENE_BREAK]
26: INT. AUTO PLASTICS. FACTORY CENTRE
MAJOR GENERAL SCOBIE: (On monitor.) ...to do so.
(Satisfied with events outside, CHANNING turns away from the communications unit.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
27: EXT. AUTO PLASTICS. YARD
DOCTOR: Perhaps I can settle this argument? I mean, as to whether this really is General Scobie.
(The DOCTOR is holding a small device in his hand which resembles a miniature radar dish. This is connected to a long lead of wire which the DOCTOR plugs into the machine that LIZ is carrying. He then walks down the stairs towards the waiting Auton replica, playing out the wire as he descends.)
DOCTOR: General Scobie. Would you be kind enough to say a few words into the microphone?
(The DOCTOR points the radar device at him.)
MAJOR GENERAL SCOBIE: What sort of foolery is this?
DOCTOR: Switch on, Liz!
(LIZ presses a switch. The machine emits a high-pitched sound and "SCOBIE" falls to the ground with a cry of pain.)
CAPTAIN MUNRO: You've killed him!
DOCTOR: I don't think so. You see, he was never really alive.
(The DOCTOR kneels down and turns the body over. The face of "SCOBIE" has reverted back to the features of a standard Auton, unfinished and without hair.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
28: INT. MADAME TUSSAUD'S. DISPLAY ROOM
(The real SCOBIE comes to life on the stand in the waxworks, to gasps of consternation from those within. He rocks on his heels as he tries to gather his thoughts and make out where he is.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
29: EXT. AUTO PLASTICS. YARD
(The BRIGADIER is taking charge of the regular troops...)
BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE-STEWART: It may be difficult to grasp but that's the situation we've got to deal with.
(LIZ looks at the DOCTOR who nods for her to slip away. She does so, still holding the machine, and he follows.)
BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE-STEWART: You'll place your men under my orders. Is that clear.
(As the DOCTOR and LIZ hurry away...)
LIZ: Doctor, where are we going?
DOCTOR: If we're quick, my dear, we can save everybody a lot of trouble.
(He gestures to her to proceed.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
30: INT. AUTO PLASTICS. MACHINE ROOM
(They enter the machine room and, at a sign from the DOCTOR, hide beneath a metal staircase. Seconds later, to its normal buzzing sound, an armed Auton walks along. As it passes the staircase, the DOCTOR aims the radar device...)
DOCTOR: Now!
(...and LIZ switches on again. The Auton collapses as the buzzing dies down.)
DOCTOR: Well, there we are, my dear Liz. Who said we got the wrong frequency?
[SCENE_BREAK]
31: EXT. AUTO PLASTICS. YARD
(In the yard, a group of Autons burst out of two double doors and into the open.)
BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE-STEWART: Take cover!
(The soldiers all jump into cover of protection behind packing cases, oil-drums and the stairwell.)
BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE-STEWART: Fire!
(A furious battle starts between the troops and the plastic soldiers. The bullets rip into the Autons but they advance with no discernable effect. The soldiers are stunned but continue firing. Then the lead Auton fires the first of its deadly bolts.)
BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE-STEWART: Fall back!
(The soldiers start to retreat but one is shot in the back as he runs and another in the stomach.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
32: INT. AUTO PLASTICS. FACTORY CENTRE
(The DOCTOR and LIZ have made it safely to the factory centre. The DOCTOR gestures to LIZ to stay hidden and she crouches down behind the machine they are walking past together with the machine. The DOCTOR moves on to where CHANNING is stood watching the creature behind the observation window. Sensing someone behind him, CHANNING slowly looks round but registers no surprise at his visitor.)
CHANNING: You're too late.
DOCTOR: On this planet, there is a saying, that it is never too late.
(The DOCTOR spots the creature inside the tank and walks round to look at it.)
DOCTOR: Good gracious! What on earth is this thing?
CHANNING: A lifeform perfectly adapted for survival and conquest on this planet.
DOCTOR: Is that what you look like on your own planet?
CHANNING: No, we have no individual identity.
DOCTOR: So this...
(The DOCTOR gestures at the creature as he tries to find the right description.)
DOCTOR: ..."thing" is a sort of...collective brain, a nervous system?
CHANNING: Humanly speaking, yes.
DOCTOR: Oh, but I'm not human. So, if you live as a group, you can be destroyed as a group, surely?
CHANNING: You cannot destroy us.
DOCTOR: I destroyed your facsimile of Scobie...
(CHANNING blanches at this news.)
DOCTOR: Therefore, I can destroy all of you.
CHANNING: No one has the power to destroy us, not even you. We are indestructible.
[SCENE_BREAK]
33: EXT. AUTO PLASTICS. YARD
(As if to prove his words, outside the Autons are advancing relentlessly on the soldiers. Bullet after bullet has no affect on the creatures whereas their shots are deadly accurate and only a quick dive for cover saves the BRIGADIER and his troops. One of the soldiers has taken refuge behind a large tank marked "DANGER" which is leaking badly. An Auton turns and fires at the tank which explodes in huge fireball.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
34: INT. AUTO PLASTICS. FACTORY CENTRE
(As the sounds of the battle reach them, the DOCTOR points his radar-like device at CHANNING.)
DOCTOR: So you see, Mr. Channing, with this device, I can eliminate you!
CHANNING: No one can destroy the Nestenes!
(He turns and twists a dial on the tank machine and then runs off. The DOCTOR watches him go but he is more absorbed by the roaring cry of the creature within the tank which suddenly fills the room.)
DOCTOR: Oh no!
(He points his device at the tank.)
DOCTOR: Switch on, Liz!
(She does so but there is no result.)
DOCTOR: Liz, switch on!
LIZ: I have!
(She presses and re-presses the switch.)
DOCTOR: It's not working!
(He rushes over to the tank and frantically starts to manipulate the controls.)
DOCTOR: Liz, come on!
(Above him, a large tentacle emerges from smoke pouring from the top of the tank...)
DOCTOR: Liz, come on, quick! Well, what's wrong with it?
(The tentacle reaches down towards his neck whilst LIZ desperately tries to find out what's wrong with the machine.)
LIZ: Doctor, I'm trying!
(The tentacle wraps itself round the DOCTOR'S neck as LIZ continues to look over the machine. She looks round the corner and sees the DOCTOR'S struggles and watches in horror as more tentacles emerge and grab him round the leg and head. She rushes back to the machine. One tentacle cover the DOCTOR'S mouth, cutting off his cries. By now, a mass of tentacles have grabbed him. For a moment, his mouth is free and he makes a guttural cry before he is gagged again. LIZ looks over the machine again and sees that the only fault is that the lead to the DOCTOR'S device has come out. She plugs it back in.)
LIZ: Now!
(The DOCTOR'S device buzzes. For a moment, there is no effect but then suddenly, the control panels on the side of the tank start to explode. The creature within the tank seems to cry out in pain and then the eye behind the observation window also explodes, shattering the glass.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
35: EXT. AUTO PLASTICS. YARD
(At that same instant, the Autons in the yard fall to the ground beside the bodies of their victims. The soldiers look on in amazement at their deliverance.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
36: INT. AUTO PLASTICS. FACTORY CENTRE
(More explosions occur on the side of the tank as the tentacles of the creature thresh about. They then go limp and the DOCTOR is able to uncurl them from around his neck and arms. He gives a sigh.)
DOCTOR: You can switch off, I think now, Liz.
(LIZ looks round the corner of the machine and smiles in delight at a grinning DOCTOR. Her smile disappears when she sees a figure on the floor.)
LIZ: Channing...
(The controller's features have also reverted to that of a standard Auton. Green puss has erupted from his mouth and covers his business suit.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
37: INT. UNIT HEADQUARTERS. LABORATORY
(Later, LIZ and the BRIGADIER drink mugs of tea as they and the DOCTOR look over the machine...)
LIZ: Basically, it's the same as an ECT machine - Electric Convulsion Therapy.
DOCTOR: Only much more powerful, of course.
BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE-STEWART: Well, it worked. Doctor?
DOCTOR: Mmm?
BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE-STEWART: These Nestenes - will they try again?
DOCTOR: Possibly. They're telepathic, so they certainly know what happened.
(Flicking a switch on a machine next to LIZ, he goes and looks over the TARDIS. The BRIGADIER follows.)
BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE-STEWART: If they do decide to launch a second attack, I hope we can count on your help again?
DOCTOR: Yes, well, before we go into all that, Brigadier, I think we must discuss terms.
BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE-STEWART: Terms?
DOCTOR: Yes, after all, you do want to take advantage of my services again, don't you?
BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE-STEWART: I think you'll find the salary is quite adequate.
DOCTOR: (Dismissive.) Money?
(LIZ joins them.)
DOCTOR: My dear chap, I don't want money. I've got no use for the stuff.
BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE-STEWART: Then what do you want?
DOCTOR: Well, facilities to repair the TARDIS, laboratory, equipment, help from Miss Shaw here.
(He grins at her.)
BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE-STEWART: Very well. Anything you need - within reason, of course. Is that all?
DOCTOR: My goodness, no. Don't you realise that when I was stranded on this little planet of yours, I had nothing but these clothes that ... oh, my goodness!
(He stops and puts his hand to his head.)
LIZ: What is it, Doctor?
(He grabs his jacket.)
DOCTOR: Well, I've just realised - I don't even own these. I've borrowed them from the hospital. (To the BRIGADIER.) And there's that car, too. Yes, you know, I took to that car. It had character.
(He smiles.)
BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE-STEWART: No, Doctor. That car must be returned to its owner.
DOCTOR: Must it? Yes, yes, I suppose it must. Still, there's no reason why you couldn't find me something similar, is there?
(The BRIGADIER opens his mouth to reply.)
DOCTOR: I...I mean, it could persuade me to stay, you know.
BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE-STEWART: Oh, very well.
DOCTOR: Good. When can we go and choose it?
BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE-STEWART: Not yet. I must arrange for a full set of papers first.
(He turns to go but stops.)
BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE-STEWART: By the way, I've just realised. I don't even know your name.
(The DOCTOR briefly considers, then...)
DOCTOR: Er, Smith. Doctor John Smith.
(He smiles.) | Plan: A: UNIT's investigation; Q: What is blocked by the Replica of Scobie? A: Liz; Q: Who is with the Doctor when they visit Madame Tussaud's? A: Channing; Q: Who is preparing to activate the Autons? Summary: With UNIT's investigation being blocked by the Replica of Scobie, the Doctor and Liz visit Madame Tussaud's to try and find out more as Channing prepares to activate the Autons. |
THE WHEEL IN SPACE
by DAVID WHITAKER from a story by KIT PEDLER
first broadcast - 25th May 1968 running time - 22mins 57secs
[SCENE_BREAK]
1. LOADING BAY
(The DOCTOR and JAMIE edge down the steps to the loading bay. After looking about for a moment, JAMIE sees the crate that they are looking for.)
JAMIE: Doctor, there it is.
DOCTOR: Jamie, I know, now shush.
(They both go over to have a look at it. They both speak in whispers.)
JAMIE: It's safe?
DOCTOR: Yes, this is it.
JAMIE: But can they...
(They soon discover the crate's false bottom. However a noise is heard - Someone is coming down the steps. They both whisper to each other and hide behind the crate to see who it is... It's a CYBERMAN. It descends the steps, crosses over to one of the boxes of Bernalium. However, if it turns around it will see the DOCTOR and JAMIE... Instead it effortlessly lifts the box, carrying it back to the steps. It quickly ascends, vanishing from sight. After they are sure that it has gone, The DOCTOR and JAMIE come out of cover.)
JAMIE: That was close.
DOCTOR: So easy.
JAMIE: What?
DOCTOR: I don't understand them.
JAMIE: What are you talking about?
DOCTOR: Destroying the wheel Jamie, that's what I am talking about. From the outside it is strong enough but now that the Cybermen are inside I...
JAMIE: Yes, I see what you mean... What do you think they are planning?
DOCTOR: Well, they obviously don't want to destroy the wheel.
JAMIE: What do they want then?
DOCTOR: I wish I knew. The first thing that we must do is to protect the people here.
JAMIE: How?
DOCTOR: What's the thing we need to survive which the Cybermen don't?
JAMIE: Food.
DOCTOR: You're always thinking of your stomach aren't you? No. Air, Jamie, air!
(He crosses to the communicator.)
DOCTOR: Now I wonder how this works...
[SCENE_BREAK]
2. OPERATIONS ROOM
(The communicator bleeps and TANYA goes to answer it. The face of the DOCTOR appears.)
TANYA: It's the Doctor.
(Both GEMMA and LEO come over to watch.)
DOCTOR: (OOV.) Hello, I think that it would be wise to lock all of the air-lock doors. Can you do that?
LEO: Yes.
TANYA: (To the DOCTOR.) Leo says that he can. Why?
DOCTOR: (OOV.) The Cybermen are definitely on the Wheel. Jamie and I have just seen one. They may try interfering with the air supply.
JAMIE: Doctor...
DOCTOR: (To the watchers.) Keep this channel open.
JAMIE: Something moved over there - just out of the corner of my eye.
(They both turn to have a look.)
GEMMA: What's wrong?
TANYA: I don't know.
LEO: Shall I seal off the airlocks, Gem?
GEMMA: Yes.
(LEO goes across to the console and seals the airlocks.)
LEO: (From console.) Sealing off all the airlocks.
TANYA: (To GEMMA.) I suppose that we can trust the Doctor?
GEMMA: Not sure why I do but I do. Sealing off the airlocks is good common sense anyway.
[SCENE_BREAK]
3. LOADING BAY
JAMIE: It's there.
(It's a Cybermat. They both draw back, wary of the approaching device. The DOCTOR turns to the communicator as JAMIE keeps a eye on it.)
DOCTOR: (To communicator.) Listen to me very carefully. Do as I ask and don't delay. One of the Cybermats is very close to us. It will tune into our brain waves at any minute.
(The Cybermat is getting closer.)
JAMIE: Doctor! It's turning!
DOCTOR: Hook up a variable audio-frequency on this channel right away. Do it at once!
[SCENE_BREAK]
4. OPERATIONS ROOM
(GEMMA turns to ENRICO who is doing something.)
GEMMA: Enrico, leave that.
(He does and comes over to GEMMA.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
5. LOADING BAY
(A second Cybermat has arrived.)
JAMIE: There's a second one.
(He starts to move towards the stairs.)
JAMIE: Come on.
DOCTOR: No.
(He holds on to JAMIE.)
DOCTOR: We don't stand a chance. They've got a range of at least ten feet.
[SCENE_BREAK]
6. OPERATIONS ROOM
DOCTOR: (OOV.) Hurry, please hurry.
GEMMA: Come on Enrico.
(ENRICO is working through the circuits.)
ENRICO: All right, all right!
(He stands up.)
ENRICO: (To his technician.) That's it. Power!
(A high-pitch noise is heard.)
ENRICO: (To his technician.) Come on! Come on! Come on!
(The high-pitch grows louder and higher.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
7. LOADING BAY
(The sound reaches the Loading Bay. Both the DOCTOR and JAMIE are forced to cover their ears. The Cybermats begin to spasmodically lose control. They run across the room in some kind of metal agony. They spin round and collide as the noise increases and decreases in pitch and intensity. One of the two begins to emanate thick smoke while the other slams into a wall, disintegrating with a burst of light and noise.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
8. OPERATIONS ROOM
GEMMA: That's enough Enrico.
(ENRICO turns the power down and the sound stops.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
9. LOADING BAY
(The DOCTOR and JAMIE take their hands down.)
DOCTOR: We're coming back as fast as we can.
(The DOCTOR picks up a destroyed Cybermat and shows it to the communicator.)
DOCTOR: This is what you have saved us from.
[SCENE_BREAK]
10. OPERATIONS ROOM
TANYA: What that's thing?
ZOE: It's a Cybermat?
DOCTOR: Exactly.
[SCENE_BREAK]
11. POWER ROOM
(Meanwhile a Cyberman opens a communicator and soon the picture of the CYBER-PLANNER appears.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
12. OPERATIONS ROOM
(TANYA is now by the controls.)
TANYA: Leo.
(LEO comes up and joins her.)
TANYA: There is an energy reading coming from the power house.
(LEO checks some of his readings.)
LEO: It's not coming off our power source that's for sure. Let's check it out.
[SCENE_BREAK]
13. POWER ROOM
CYBERMAN 1: All Cybermats have been destroyed.
CYBER-PLANNER: (OOV.) Destroyed? By what method.
CYBERMAN 1: They have used high-current phase contrast.
CYBER-PLANNER: (OOV.) One human has knowledge beyond our predictions. Report.
CYBERMAN 1: The X-ray laser machine is repaired.
CYBER-PLANNER: (OOV.) And operative?
CYBERMAN 1: Yes. In stage of operation.
CYBER-PLANNER: (OOV.) Communication beam to Earth?
CYBERMAN 1: Attacked and damaged.
CYBER-PLANNER: (OOV.) Phase Six.
CYBERMAN 1: Yes.
CYBER-PLANNER: (OOV.) The space station is to be taken over. Complete Phase Six.
(The CYBER-PLANNER fades from sight.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
14. OPERATIONS ROOM
(ENRICO and TANYA are talking about the damage from the attack by Bill Duggan. LEO is trying to work the Communicator.)
LEO: (Into the Communicator.) Workshop! Workshop would you come in please?
ENRICO: Well, Bill Duggan knew the right spot OK.
TANYA: What about radar?
ENRICO: The radar's fine but the radio's kaput.
TANYA: When is the next check to Earth Central?
ENRICO: 0300. In two hours time.
TANYA: Set up a check on the first wave of the meteorites.
ENRICO: I don't see the point. We haven't got a laser to knock them out with.
TANYA: Don't be pessimistic Enrico. They may not have a direct course on us so anything can happen.
ENRICO: Everything is.
(They both turn to LEO who just joined them.)
LEO: Blimey, you'd think that we are alone on the Wheel. I can't raise anybody.
TANYA: Have you told Gemma?
LEO: She's got her hands full as it is.
(Nearby, the DOCTOR and GEMMA are talking to JARVIS while ZOE is holding the Cybermat.)
GEMMA: Jarvis. Jarvis, look at the creature.
(JARVIS doesn't look at it.)
GEMMA: Show it to him Zoe.
(ZOE moves forward and presents it under his nose, but JARVIS looks like he doesn't want to see it or believe that it is there.)
JARVIS: No. No, it's not true. Not true.
GEMMA: All right Zoe. Put it away somewhere.
(ZOE moves away with the creature.)
GEMMA: (To the DOCTOR.) Complete withdrawal. Loss of effect.
DOCTOR: But not necessary complete. Hmm, catatonic feature certainly.
GEMMA: I can try ECT. He could be shocked back to normal.
DOCTOR: Is the equipment here?
GEMMA: No it is in the Medical bay.
DOCTOR: Oh, I wouldn't advise moving him. You've thrown a magnetic forcefield about this section.
GEMMA: Yes.
DOCTOR: Enough to keep the Cybermen out?
GEMMA: Enough to keep anything out. The crew have been warned. Oh...
DOCTOR: No, it's no good. You are second-in-command. You must take over.
GEMMA: Take over what? We're invaded. We have no contact with Earth, we are in the path of meteorites. Take over what? How do we fight without the laser?
(Nearby ZOE looks after JARVIS. JAMIE comes over to join her.)
JAMIE: How is he?
ZOE: Hopeless.
JAMIE: Well, that's just fine.
ZOE: He just closed himself away.
JAMIE: Who is the second in command?
ZOE: Dr. Corwyn.
JAMIE: At least she's all right.
ZOE: Yes, but what she can do I don't know.
JAMIE: (A little happy at having something that he can gloat over.) Oh, there's something that you don't know then?
ZOE: There's too much I don't know. I was trained to believe that logic and calculation would provide me with all the answers. Well I'm just beginning to realise there are questions which I can't answer.
JAMIE: You're just not trained for a emergency like this.
ZOE: Well, that's the whole point! What good am I. I've been created for some false kind of existence where only known kinds of emergencies are catered for. What good is that to me now?
JAMIE: Hey, we are not done yet you know.
ZOE: And if we survive? What then, Jamie? Suppose that we do get ourselves out of this mess - what have I got left? A blind reliance on facts and logic?
(It's clear that ZOE's self-confidence is in tatters and she walks away. Back at the communicator LEO is trying to get through to the Oxygen Supply Room.)
LEO: (A little annoyed.) Section Twelve, Section Twelve. Will you please come in?
[SCENE_BREAK]
15. OXYGEN SUPPLY ROOM
(Even through the Communicator is bleeping there is nobody to answer it. Another body is casually thrown on the floor by a murderous Cyberman.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
16. OPERATION ROOM
LEO: (Into communicator.) Calling power house, calling power house. Power house will you please come in.
[SCENE_BREAK]
17. POWER ROOM
(The communicator bleeps in the power room, where FLANNIGAN is. Just as he turns to answer it, the controlled VALLANCE and LALEHAM walk into the room.)
FLANNIGAN: Oh, it's yourself. Why don't you answer this thing. Sounded like a bit violent.
VALLANCE: (Dull.) It's not important.
(The Communicator stops bleeping.)
FLANNIGAN: Nah, it could be the old man himself you know. Well, is this laser working yet, is it?
LALEHAM: (In the same tone as VALLANCE.) Yes. Finished.
FLANNIGAN: Well are we not going to get rid of the meteorites then?
VALLANCE: (Dull.) No.
FLANNIGAN: (A little testily as the Communicator starts again.) Well, that's great. I've got a whole year's leave coming to me back on Earth. Now come on.
(He reaches for the communicator.)
LALEHAM: (Dull.) Don't touch that.
FLANNIGAN: You just can't ignore it. What is it? What's the matter with you two hey?
VALLANCE: (Dull.) Do as you are told.
FLANNIGAN: Hey, have you both gone mad or what?
(VALLANCE draws his blaster and points it at FLANNIGAN.)
FLANNIGAN: Don't point that thing at me laddie.
(FLANNIGAN knocks the weapons from both VALLANCE and LALEHAM's hands. A violent struggle erupts. While LALEHAM tries to hit FLANNIGAN with a metal bar, and VALLANCE dives for his blaster, FLANNIGAN fights for all his worth. He is more than capable of holding his own.)
FLANNIGAN: All right, if it is a fight that you are after, I'm your man. Come on.
(The fight goes on.)
FLANNIGAN: (Above the noise of the struggle.) You need a few lessons in the noble and manly art, me bucko! All right, come on!
(They fight on. VALLANCE fires into the struggle with his blaster just as FLANNIGAN turns around with LALEHAM around his neck. The blaster shot goes into LALEHAM's back, causing him to crumple to the floor and die. VALLANCE is in shock from his actions and this causes his mind to be freed from the Cybermen's control. Meanwhile, behind FLANNIGAN the door opens and a CYBERMAN enters. While FLANNIGAN stares at the silver giant the control beam from the CYBERMAN's head-piece is activated causing both VALLANCE and now FLANNIGAN to fall under the Cybermen's control again.)
CYBERMAN 1: The Earth machine has been installed?
VALLANCE: (Back in his slurred dull voice.) Yes.
CYBERMAN 1: A force field has been set around the Operations control room. How is it operated?
VALLANCE: (Dull.) Only from within the Operations Room.
(The Cyberman now sees LALEHAM's body.)
CYBERMAN 1: Dispose of the body of the human.
(They drag the body away.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
18. OPERATIONS ROOM
(ZOE is trying to get JARVIS to drink some water.)
ZOE: Come on some more. Just a little more.
JARVIS: (Dully.) No, no more.
TANYA: (To ZOE.) Don't force him. Give him whatever he wants.
(The DOCTOR meanwhile has been watching LEO's attempt to get someone on the communicator.)
DOCTOR: Well I am not surprised that you can't get in touch with the rest of the Wheel.
JAMIE: Aye, the Cybermen are not just going to sit around doing nothing.
GEMMA: But can they still control our people. I thought that...
DOCTOR: The metal plates you mean. Has everybody had them fitted to the back of their necks?
GEMMA: No, not yet. There are still some crew members without.
DOCTOR: Well, it would be advisable to have it done.
LEO: (From the other end of the room.) Coming through now!
(The rest, except for JARVIS, rush over to the radar which has just reported the meteorites.)
ENRICO: Thought we'd lost it for a moment there.
(The blips on the radar show that the meteorites are now very close. They can all listen to the noise of the meteorites getting closer and closer.)
ENRICO: Hey, will you listen to that! Now this is a big storm, bigger than we thought.
LEO: All right, all right, don't make it worse.
GEMMA: We'll have to rely on the anti-matter field projectors.
ENRICO: You don't think the meteorites are going to bounce off them, do you? We are talking about things that weigh two to three hundred tons here.
GEMMA: How far away are they?
ENRICO: See for yourself. Less than a million miles now. Closing on an elliptical path tilted ten degrees.
(The Communicator bleeps.)
LEO: Well, thank goodness for that.
(LEO runs across and presses the button. The picture of FLANNIGAN appears on the screen.)
FLANNIGAN: (OOV & dull.) Power room!
LEO: Flannigan! Where have you been?
FLANNIGAN: (OOV and dull.) Storing the laser discharge.
LEO: What was that?
FLANNIGAN: (OOV and dull.) It has been completed.
LEO: The laser's repaired?!
FLANNIGAN: (OOV and dull.) It is ready for testing now.
LEO: Great. (To the others.) The laser's working.
(There are sounds of relief.)
LEO: Stand by to run a test. (To the communicator.) Flannigan, where have you been? I've been trying to raise you for ages.
FLANNIGAN: (OOV and dull.) There must be a fault on the line. Vallance is here with me. We are ready when you are ready.
LEO: Right.
[SCENE_BREAK]
19. OUTSIDE WHEEL
(A partition opens on one of the other sections of the Wheel, spawning a huge laser cannon. The weapon slowly repositions itself as the crew calibrate a new angle. With a relatively short effective range there is little room for error.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
20. OPERATIONS ROOM
(LEO has moved from the communicator and is now in his chair.)
ENRICO: (Slightly panicky.) We are cutting it too fine, they're coming at us too fast. Seven hundred thousand now. Six-ninety, Six-eighty. The speed of them is fantastic.
LEO: Take position from radar calibration estimates.
ENRICO: Angle ninety on zero-four, zero-two. Distance now six-ten thousand, Six-dead, Five-ninety...
JAMIE: (To GEMMA.) What's the range of your machine?
GEMMA: Fifty thousand total destruction, ninety thousand partial.
DOCTOR: Well, it would be well not to miss isn't it.
(This fails to relieve the tension in the air.)
LEO: We'll try a random shot, at least see how the power banks react. (To the others in the room.) Stand by to test laser. Blue button. Red on stand-by!
ENRICO: Angle eighty on zero-four, zero-one now. Distance closing - five hundred thousand dead. Four-ninety, four-eighty.
LEO: (Calls to TANYA.) Tanya, take a power reading on this. (To the others.) And fire!
(We hear the laser fire.)
TANYA: Power maximum and normal.
LEO: (Turns his chair around and speaks confidently.) Well everybody, I think that we stand a chance.
[SCENE_BREAK]
21. SPACE
(The meteorites continues to rush inexorably toward them.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
22. OPERATIONS ROOM
ENRICO: Angle eighty-eight on zero-four, zero-one and holding. Distance closing three-fifty thousand, three-forty, three-thirty. Angle change. Eighty-seven on zero-four-zero point nine-nine recurring. Distance two-eighty thousand. Two-seventy, Two-sixty.
LEO: Stand by for further tests on lasers.
TANYA: Power max one hundred. Power packs green and steady.
LEO: Red on stand-by. Fire.
(The laser is fired again.)
TANYA: Power maximum and normal. All systems operating.
LEO: Stand-by for test blanket fire. Red on stand-by.
TANYA: Power max one thousand, all systems green and steady.
LEO: Red on stand-by. Fire.
(The laser is fired.)
TANYA: Power maximum and normal. All systems are operative.
LEO: (Cheerfully.) Well, let them all come. We're ready for them.
DOCTOR: I think that it is reasonable to assume that the Cybermen caused that star to go nova.
GEMMA: Deliberately causing the meteorites to deflect from their orbit. To destroy the wheel.
DOCTOR: No! Not to destroy the Wheel. To make you want to use the laser. Then they sent in their Cybermats to attack the laser and to destroy the Bernalium.
JAMIE: (Catching on.) And then you search that drifting rocket and find a big crate.
DOCTOR: With the Cybermen inside it.
JAMIE: Aye.
DOCTOR: It is the only way they could get into the Wheel.
GEMMA: And now you think they repaired the laser.
JAMIE: They must have done, otherwise they would be smashing up the Wheel wouldn't they.
DOCTOR: So you see this isn't just an attack by an alien race on a space station. The Cybermen have another purpose.
GEMMA: What?
DOCTOR: They have an over-riding ambition to invade the Earth, plunder its mineral wealth. Somehow they can see a way of doing it through this Wheel.
GEMMA: But how can we stop them?
DOCTOR: I don't know.
GEMMA: Presumably these Cybermen disposed of the crewmembers of the rocket in space.
DOCTOR: (In thought.) Hmm... yes. (To JAMIE.) Jamie, the Time Vector Generator from the TARDIS. Where is it?
JAMIE: Oh you mean the gold rod thing?
DOCTOR: Yes, yes.
JAMIE: You got it. I put it your pocket in the rocket.
DOCTOR: Are you sure?
JAMIE: Yes?
(The DOCTOR checks his pockets.)
DOCTOR: But I haven't got it.
JAMIE: You must have. Not unless it falling out when they were moving you. Is it important?
DOCTOR: Important? Someone will have to go over to the rocket and get it.
JAMIE: Good luck to them. Who's going?
DOCTOR: Well, if Gemma can spare someone to show you how to make the journey...
JAMIE: (In shock.) ME!?
DOCTOR: Yes, of course. You're the only one who knows what it looks like besides me and I am much too busy. Besides, it is your fault that it is lost.
JAMIE: Mine?
DOCTOR: Well isn't it?
JAMIE: (Confused.) Well yes... no... Dr. Corwyn... Oh Doctor. Och.
[SCENE_BREAK]
23. OXYGEN SUPPLY ROOM
(This is some kind of control room since there are controls and some kind of lamps in the background. VALLANCE is here standing behind his CYBERMAN master who is communicating with the CYBER-PLANNER via the Cybermen's communicator.)
CYBER-PLANNER: (OOV.) The meteorite shower is approaching the Wheel.
CYBERMAN 1: The weapons of the Earth humans have been tested and are operating.
CYBER-PLANNER: (OOV.) Phase six can be completed.
CYBERMAN 1: The Earth humans have set up a neutron field barrier on the perimeter of the section containing their room of Operations.
CYBER-PLANNER: (OOV.) Do not complete Phase Six. Initiate Plan Three.
(The CYBERMAN stands and turns to VALLANCE.)
CYBERMAN 1: Follow me.
(VALLANCE obeys.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
24. CORRIDOR
(GEMMA is taking JAMIE and ZOE to the Oxygen Supply Room where there is the nearest airlock.)
GEMMA: (Into communicator.) Replace the field barrier now! We're through.
ZOE: I see that it's clear ahead.
(She moves forward.)
JAMIE: I still don't see why you should send a wee thing like that with me.
GEMMA: She is the only one I can spare who knows enough about space-drill who can get you across to that rocket safely.
JAMIE: Maybe so. I still think that I will be better by myself.
GEMMA: Do you? I wouldn't be too sure if I were you.
[SCENE_BREAK]
25. OPERATIONS ROOM
(LEO is furious that ZOE is going to the rocket. He rounds on the DOCTOR.)
LEO: Have you gone off your head?!
DOCTOR: She... She agreed to go.
LEO: She had no right to agree. And you've got no right to let her.
DOCTOR: I had to. Jamie will look after her.
LEO: Have you any idea of the dangers they'll face between the Wheel and the rocket? And you send Zoe and your friend out into an area which is bound to be bombarded by small debris, quite apart from the radiation and thermal shock.
DOCTOR: Well, they knew the risk. Zoe calculated it.
(This makes LEO angrier.)
LEO: Oh yes. Zoe calculated it! And what about Gemma, hey? What if Gemma meets up with one of those Cyberman things?
ENRICO: Coming in to range now sir.
LEO: All right. (To the DOCTOR.) Now you don't do anything unless I say so. Clear? (To TANYA,) Tanya, take a power reading on this. (To ENRICO.) Rico, calculate distance and direction. (To the others.) All systems on stand-by.
[SCENE_BREAK]
26. OXYGEN SUPPLY ROOM
(Inside, GEMMA, ZOE and JAMIE find the murdered crewman. GEMMA checks the body.)
JAMIE: He's dead?
GEMMA: Yes, I'm afraid so. (To ZOE.) Zoe, the emergency exit.
(ZOE goes to the back of the room and enters an airlock.)
GEMMA: You'll find space equipment in the airlock.
(ZOE opens the airlock door.)
ZOE: Come on, Jamie.
JAMIE: All right. You'd better take that.
(He hands GEMMA a blaster and enters the airlock.)
GEMMA: Good luck!
JAMIE: Thank you.
(The airlock door closes.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
27. OPERATIONS ROOM
(The communicator bleeps and the DOCTOR uses it to get GEMMA on the screen.)
DOCTOR: Yes?
GEMMA: (OOV.) We're through. No problems.
DOCTOR: Good.
ENRICO: Main concentration coming into range.
LEO: Crossover on vector link. Countdown is from now.
ENRICO: Well, this is the big stuff. Angle ninety on channel-3. Distance - one hundred thousand miles.
[SCENE_BREAK]
28. SPACE
(The meteorites come into range of the laser.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
29. OXYGEN SUPPLY ROOM
(GEMMA hears a noise as she prepares to leave and ducks for cover when VALLANCE and the CYBERMAN enter the room. The CYBERMAN and VALLANCE stand by a control console)
CYBERMAN 1: This controls the oxygen on the Space Station.
VALLANCE: (Dull.) Yes.
CYBERMAN 1: Open it.
(VALLANCE opens a box of small silver capsules that he is carrying.)
CYBERMAN 1: Each section of the Wheel has a separate air supply.
VALLANCE: (Dull.) Yes.
CYBERMAN 1: Insert one capsule into each section. The oxygen will turn into pure ozone. The humans will die.
[SCENE_BREAK]
30. OPERATIONS ROOM
LEO: Fire!
(A laser shot is again heard.)
LEO: Fire!
(Another laser shot.)
LEO: And fire!
ENRICO: Look, it's hopeless. There's too many of them.
LEO: Shut up, Rico. Fire!
(Another fire. The Communicator bleeps again and the DOCTOR answers it to reveal GEMMA's face very flushed. It looks like she is in hiding from something or someone.)
ENRICO: Angle change. Ten degrees.
DOCTOR: (Into communicator.) Yes?
GEMMA: (OOV speaking fast.) Doctor, listen carefully.
[SCENE_BREAK]
31. OXYGEN SUPPLY ROOM
(We pick it up from GEMMA's point-of-view.)
GEMMA: They're going to poison the air supply. Do you understand - poison the air supply? Tell Leo Ryan to switch over to the sectional supply unit.
[SCENE_BREAK]
32. OPERATIONS ROOM
(The DOCTOR notices that the CYBERMAN and VALLANCE have seen her.)
DOCTOR: Gemma, run! Get away from there! Run.
[SCENE_BREAK]
33. OXYGEN SUPPLY ROOM
(GEMMA switches off her set knowing that she has been seen but letting the Doctor see what happens. Raising her blaster, she fires again and again at the advancing Cyberman and tries to maneuver her way to the door. The Cyberman staggers for a moment and taking her chance GEMMA runs for the exit... but she is not quick enough. The Cyberman composes itself quickly and activates its weapon. It's blast catches Gemma by the door and her limp body falls slowly to the ground. She has gone to join her husband... The Cyberman moves forward to have a look at her body...)
[SCENE_BREAK]
34. OPERATIONS ROOM
(The DOCTOR watches in horror the events in the Oxygen Room.)
DOCTOR: (Into communicator.) Gemma, can you hear me?! GEMMA! GEMMA!
ENRICO: Deviation ten degrees.
LEO: FIRE!
DOCTOR: GEMMA!
(The last two are said together. The Doctor is not distracted by Zoe and Jamie's voices on the operations room intercom...)
[SCENE_BREAK]
35. SPACE
(JAMIE and ZOE are caught in the meteorite storm.)
JAMIE: (Pointing at the meteorites.) Look, Zoe! Look!
ZOE: The meteorites! They've heading straight for us!
(The meteorites get closer and closer to JAMIE and ZOE...) | Plan: A: more members; Q: How many members of the Wheel crew do the Cybermen gain control of? A: the Doctor; Q: Who realizes that the only way to stop the Cybermen is for Jamie and Zoe to make a dangerous space walk? Summary: The Cybermen gain control of more members of the Wheel crew and the Doctor realises the only way to stop them is for Jamie and Zoe to make a dangerous space walk. |
Russ: It's the same conversation that we've been having since we first met. I'm just a very... I'm a sexual person.
Lina: She doesn't want to hear this.
Russ: And so finally, she gets so fed up, right? That she tells me to go have s*x with other people. Even though we're married and in love, supposedly.
Lina: Supposedly.
Russ: And so, do I go and have s*x with other people? No. Do I get credit for it? Of course not.
Woman: This is all very interesting, but this is a parent-teacher conference, and we're here to talk about your daughter. I love Maya. All her teachers do. But I see her spending an awful lot of time by herself.
Lina: Well, she's kind of a loner. She's like me in that way.
Russ: Could it be genetic?
Teacher: A lot of times these behaviors are learned. What is your social situation like? Are you friends with any of the other parents?
Lina: We say hi to them.
Russ: Mm-hmm.
Lina: And-and go to their stuff.
Russ: Yeah. I'm good friends with, um... The one who likes the celtics.
Teacher: Um, if you want Maya to have more friends, it might help to lead by example.
Russ: Or we could just have more s*x and see if that does the trick. (Chuckles)
S01E05
Jess: Hey. He wants us to come inside.
Shepard: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I'm ju... I'm just gonna wait in the car.
Jess: Can you please just come on?
Shepard: I don't understand why we can't just have brunch, just you and me.
Jess: Because he's having a hard time with the divorce and it's been rough on him.
Shepard: It's been rough on all of us.
AJ: We have a bit of a situation.
Shepard: Of course you do.
AJ: Watch out for the broken glass.
Shepard: Oh, isn't that pleasant.
(Crowd cheering)
Russ: Go, go, go! (Crowd cheering)
(Whistle blows)
Lina: Oh, God.
I drank too much last night.
Russ: Mm. Soccer and hangovers do not mix. We should've gone to brunch with Jess and AJ. A little hair of the dog.
Russ: All right, what about them?
Lina: What about them?
Russ: Aren't we friend shopping? Wasn't that our assignment?
Lina (Yawning): No. Hey.
Maya: Can I have a playdate with Hailey?
Lina: Hailey? (Groans) I don't know, honey.
Russ: What are you doing? She wants to have a playdate. She needs friends.
Lina: The mother.
Russ: Who is her mother?
Lina: You don't know her, she's...
Stacey: Hey!
Lina: Hi!
Stacey: I heard the girls want to have a playdate. Should we host? I mean, do you have a big space? We have a ton of space, so...
Woman: I'm not coming out! (AJ sighs)
AJ: There's a gazelle in my bathroom who refuses to get out.
Shepard: Why a gazelle?
Jess: Three-legged gazelles are what he calls damaged women.
AJ: Yeah. Harder for them to get away.
Woman: You piece of sh1t scumbag asshole!
AJ: Look, I'm sorry, sweetie. I didn't mean to say that, okay? I had a very rough childhood, remember? She'll be out in a minute. I'll stick her in a cab and then we'll go eat.
Shepard: Great. We'll meet you at the restaurant.
Jess: No...
Woman: Oh, no! I'm not getting in a cab!
Jess: Okay, all right. Fine. I'll talk to her.
AJ: That would be amazing. Thank you.
Jess: Yeah.
Shepard: You know what else would be amazing? Brunch.
Jess: Why don't you hold on for just one second 'cause everyone knows you want to go to brunch. Give me a name, an age and a job.
AJ: April, 19, still figuring it out.
Jess: 19 years old?
AJ: Look, she's gonna be 20 in march. She's an old soul.
Jess: Oh!
AJ: With a tight hole.
Jess: Okay.
Shepard: That's sweet. You should trademark that. Put it on mugs.
Jess: Great! I'm going in there now.
AJ: Most old souls don't have tight holes.
Shepard: No, I understand the joke.
Jess: April?
April: Go away!
Jess: I understand that AJ is a dick, and I can talk to you about it if you want to. And also I, I do need to just use the bathroom. We could do both.
AJ: Bitches be crazy, huh?
Shepard: Yeah, that's the problem here.
Russ: Wow.
Lina: I am so sorry we don't have enough square footage for a playdate.
Russ: She might not have meant it that way. Okay, she totally meant it that way.
Lina: You guys wait here. I'll be right back.
Ella: No way... this house is cool. I'm coming in.
Frankie: Me, too.
Russ: All right, let's make this quick, okay? Your mommy doesn't like this lady.
Maya: Please be nice, mommy.
Lina: I'm always nice.
(Knocking)
Russ: Always.
Stacey: Oh, you guys came.
Okay, I didn't think you guys were gonna come.
Lina: I thought the girls had a playdate.
Stacey: Yeah, no. I just, I... I thought you guys were the kind of people that weren't gonna show up. All right, well, come on in.
Lina: Oh, we're-we're just dropping off.
Russ: Yeah.
Stacey: That's okay, come on. Come on in.
Lina: Your house is incredible.
Stacey: Oh, thanks.
Russ: God, this place looks so familiar.
Stacey: Yeah, I thought that, too, when I first walked in. And now it just owns me. But I guess you have to live somewhere. Plus, the windows.
(Lina groans)
Stacey: Oh, Nelson.
Hey. Five minutes.
Ella: Oh, my God, mom! Two center islands!
Lina: Ella's really into real estate.
Stacey: Oh! I tried that for a year. Nope.
Ella: I love the stonework by the pool.
Stacey: Oh, do you guys want to hang out and swim?
Russ: Oh...
Lina: We don't have swimsuits.
Stacey: Oh, that's not a problem. I have so many. I mean, you don't have to if you don't want to, but... If you wanted to... I mean, if you want to.
Maya: Mom?
Lina: Yes. We do. That sounds great.
Maya: Yeah!
Russ: Yeah. I love to watch kids swim.
Lina: I'm really glad we didn't invite them to our house.
Russ: I like our house.
Lina: No, you don't.
Russ: No, I don't. Not even a little bit.
(Groans)
Guess I should go talk to that dude.
(Lina laughs)
Lina: Men have it so easy.
Russ: 'Cause of periods?
Lina: Yeah, 'cause of periods.
Russ: That's what I thought.
Lina: No, because you can go over there, and you can just talk to him about sports.
I am gonna have to go into that kitchen and have a real conversation with Stacey.
Russ: Uh... sports conversations are tricky, okay?
Lina: Oh, really?
Russ: Yeah, 'cause sometimes you involve the DH and then you're talking about stats and...
Lina: "The DH"?
Russ: Designated hitter.
Lina: Oh, I didn't know you were gonna bring up the DH.
Russ: Yeah, it gets real.
Lina: I'm sorry.
Russ: You'll be fine. Good luck.
Lina: Good luck.
Russ: It's such a nice pool.
Jay: Oh, thanks.
Russ: Yeah.
Jay: Oh, uh, are you not gonna swim?
Nelson: I don't feel like it.
(Sighs)
Jay: Wish I could offer you a beer or something.
God, I'd love a beer, but we're not allowed to keep alcohol in the house.
Russ: Oh. No worries.
Jay: Yeah, as long as there's no alcohol in the house.
Russ: How do I know this place?
Jay: Hmm?
Russ: Your house is so familiar.
Jay: Yeah. We get that a lot.
Lina: Hey.
Stacey: Hey, which bathroom did you use?
Lina: Oh, I-I didn't go to the bathroom.
Stacey: Somebody did.
Lina: It wasn't me.
Stacey: Do your kids have allergies? It's never-ending. It's like that kid at that school who died. He was a genius. (Sighs)
Lina: My kids eat everything.
Stacey: Oh, that's lucky.
(Groans) Lina: Um... you know, you didn't have to go through all this trouble just for us.
Stacey: No, I always overdo it. I just do. My mother worked. She never cooked, so... she's dead now. Okay, one, two, three, four, five...
Lina: I'm gonna go check on the girls.
AJ: How's the job hunt?
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Shepard scoffs)
I'm an old man in a dead business.
AJ: Yeah, a lot of my music business clients are hurting.
Shepard: You still have clients? I was asking. I really was.
AJ: I've lost a few recently, but... That helps me focus on the ones that matter.
Shepard: Hmm. 'Cause you seem focused.
Jess: Well... I figured out what the problem is.
AJ: a**l remorse?
Jess: (Scoffs) No, it's that she's 19 years old.
AJ: She's gonna be 20 in march. It's legal.
Jess: How did you think that this was gonna end?
Shepard: Well, I'm gonna tell you how brunch ends. At 3:00, they stop serving it, all right?
Jess: Mm-hmm.
Shepard: All you can have is the bar menu, and I hope you enjoy sliders. 'Cause that's all we're gonna get. Seriously, can I come in?
April: Go away.
Shepard: I got to take a leak. Just turn around.
(Door shuts)
(Sighs)
Lina: Where's daddy?
Jay: Uh, phone call.
Said it was a work emergency.
(Beep) (Beep)
Lina: What are you doing?
Russ: I'm trying to find some sh1t.
Lina: What kind of sh1t?
Russ: What is wrong with these people?
Why would you have a porno block?
Lina: You're looking for p0rn on a playdate?
Russ: I figured out how I know this house. It's the Night Trips House. Night Trips. By Andrew Blake.
Lina: You're searching for pornography in a child's bedroom.
Russ: What? No. Don't make this creepy, okay? Night Trips was more than just p0rn, okay? It-it changed the landscape. It changed the face of early '90s erotica. Tori Welles stood right here. Peter North stood right behind her. And if you listen very closely, you can hear the orgasms of yesteryear.
Stacey: Lina, the eclairs are ready.
Lina: I'll be right there! Pool. Kitchen.
Russ: Night Trips House.
Lina: Yeah, I know.
(Inhales) (Girls shouting, squealing)
Frankie: Daddy, daddy, di you see that?
Russ: Yeah! Awesome.
(Beeping)
Jay: Mother of sh1t.
Sorry, everything's fine. It's all okay. Uh... you're a dad. Can I, uh... can I ask you something?
Russ: Yeah. Totally.
Jay: I just got an alert that Nelson was searching for p0rn again.
Russ: Just now? Yeah. It's, like, nonstop with that kid, and I'm really worried about him.
Russ: Oh. Yeah. I would... All boys go through that. I wouldn't worry about it. He'll be fine.
Jay: I don't know, man. He spends every day locked in his room in some sort of p0rn cave. Maybe I should try church?
Russ: I think church would be great.
Jay: You think so?
Russ: Uh-huh.
Jay: All right. Okay, well, now I got to find a church.
Stacey: I noticed that Maya has some problems.
Lina: Maya doesn't have problems. No, I mean, like-like she's, you know, kind of off by herself a lot. I was like that.
Lina: I mean, she... sometimes has a hard time making friends.
Stacey: Friends are hard.
Lina: Yeah. Especially when you call 'em a couple times and they don't call you back.
Lina: I'm sorry. I feel bad. That's really lame of me. I'm sorry. I... One time we really did have a gymnastics thing.
Stacey: It doesn't matter. A lot of people blow me off. I get it. Besides, you're here now. Do you want a glass of wine?
Lina: Yeah.
Stacey: Okay.
Lina: Yeah, I would love a glass of wine. Thank you. What do you have?
Stacey: Everything. The cutlers are in Napa. They have more wine than they could ever possibly drink.
Lina: Sure they're okay with it?
Stacey: Oh. They are so chill. I'm, like, here all the time. (Alarm chimes) Wait. Okay. All right. No alarm. Come on. Shut the door.
Stacey: Okay, so we have a Pinot, Montepulciano and then this cab blend.
Lina: Are you sure you don't want any?
Stacey: This cab blend smells so good. I can't have any alcohol. Last time I had red wine, I bit my father-in-law on the ankle.
Lina: Ooh.
Stacey: Here.
(Chuckles)
Hey, just hurry up. I want to hear what it tastes like.
Lina: I just feel weird drinking alone.
Stacey: No, this is a real treat for me. Jay hates red wine. Sometimes he describes coffee. Can't have that either.
Lina: Ooh.
(Sniffs)
That's nice.
Stacey: Yeah?
Lina: Earthy.
Stacey: Yeah.
Lina: Mm-hmm.
Stacey: But not too earthy, right?
Lina: No, no.
Stacey: Mm-mm. This might be a little too nice.
Stacey: Great. I think that this is a really expensive bottle of wine.
Stacey: It's a '96. Oops. (Laughter)
Lina: Are you sure it's cool that we're in here?
Stacey: Yeah, they're not gonna miss a couple bottles of wine.
Lina: So it's totally not cool, right?
Stacey: They're in Australia.
Lina: Oh. You're a crazy person. You're totally a crazy person.
Stacey: I'm not crazy. They're crazy, you know? They've never once had me over to this place. They've never asked me inside. So... I wave to them, like, all the time. And to never invite me in? That's kind of insane.
Lina: Hmm. They do sound like really rude people. Kind of really want to check out the rest of this rude house.
Jay: You have a problem.
Nelson: It wasn't me, just get out.
Jay: Okay, fine, if it wasn't you, tell me who it was.
Nelson: I-I don't know. Go away. I'm sick of you lying to me, by the way.
Nelson: Just go away.
Jay: All right, stop talking to me that way, okay? I'm your dad, all right? This conversation... it isn't over, buddy. I'm not getting through to him, man, I tried to be reasonable, but... I don't know, he just shut down and kept saying, "I didn't do it." Typical.
Russ: Maybe you shouldn't blame him.
Jay: You mean like it's his mother's fault? Yeah, I thought about that. She's insane. Why the hell did I breed with her?
AJ: How long has Shep been in there?
Jess: He's a great negotiator, he's probably working some magic.
AJ: Yeah. At this point he's known her longer than I have.
Jess: What are you doing, man?
AJ: I don't know. Having fun.
Jess: Maybe it's time to try someone your own age.
AJ: That is hilarious, coming from you.
Jess: Don't compare your sh1t to me and Shep, okay? Because we're married. We have a kid. We are real.
AJ: Yeah, you're a perfect wife in a perfect marriage.
Jess: Shut up. Right now.
AJ: I had real. Real took half my sh1t.
(Door opens and closes)
Shepard: Come on, April.
Here we go.
AJ: Hey.
Shepard: Here's what's gonna happen: She's gonna get into a cab. You're gonna take back what you said about her hair, and you're gonna fly her mother out for easter like you promised, all right?
April: And, uh, there's no more toilet paper.
Shepard: Can we please go eat?
(Jess sighs)
AJ: Thanks for the talk.
Russ: Hey.
Nelson: Hey.
Russ: Look, uh, it's none of my business, but I overheard you talking to...
Nelson: I didn't do anything.
Russ: Cool.
Nelson: Hey, can I ask you something?
Russ: Sure.
Nelson: My dad says I'm sick. Am I?
Russ: Wow, dude... If you're sick, then I am terminal.
When I was your age, I watched... a lot of stuff.
Nelson: Do you still watch?
Russ: Yeah. I'm a lifer.
Nelson: But you're married. Your wife's so hot. You can have s*x with her whenever you want... what do you need p0rn for?
Russ: You stay gold, ponyboy. Okay? You stay gold. Do you have any idea that you live... in, like, a historical house?
Nelson: No. (Russ speaking indistinctly)
(Lina and Stacey sigh, chuckle)
Stacey: What does it taste like?
Lina: This one's winey-er.
(Both laugh)
Look at the legs. I don't know, my dad, he's... he was kind of... well, he is... kind of a hermit. He doesn't have a phone. We don't talk. He cuts hair somewhere under a fake name. It's weird.
Stacey: That is weird.
Lina: I know.
Stacey: Wow.
Lina: I don't know, maybe it's... maybe it's in my blood. Maybe it's genetic. I totally see it in Maya.
Stacey: Well... schizophrenia and colon cancer. That's what my kids have to look forward to.
(Laughter)
(Snorts) Ow.
Lina: Do you have good insurance?
(Door chimes)
(Lina gasps) Stacey: Oh, sh1t.
Lina: sh1t. (Indistinct chatter)
(Shrieks)
(Door chimes) (Both giggling)
Lina: Oh, okay.
Russ: What... is happening?
Stacey: Oh. What are you doing next Tuesday?
Lina: Oh, I don't know. What are you thinking?
Stacey: Um, there's a lot of empty places around here this time of year.
Lina: You're so crazy.
Stacey: I know.
Nelson: You're wife's super hot.
Russ: Oh, thanks. Yeah, so's your mom.
I just meant she's fit. It's not... I'm not being weird, I... I think she's got a great body, that's it.
Lina: Think I made a friend today.
Russ: Yeah? Me, too.
Lina: You liked Jay?
Russ: No, that guy was a dud. But Nelson was very cool. The four of us should hang out sometime. Cool kid.
Lina: You're an idiot.
Waitress: You are gonna love our bar menu. Today's slider trio is pork, salmon, and portobello mushroom.
Shepard: I would like a, uh... I'd like an egg white frittata.
Waitress: I'm really sorry, brunch is over.
Shepard: I know, I know. I would just like the record to reflect I wanted an egg frittata.
(Jess scoffs)
AJ: No chance of eggs? | Plan: A: a teacher; Q: Who told Lina that Maya was a loner? A: Maya; Q: Who is the loner at school? A: Lina; Q: Who reluctantly agrees to bring Maya to a play date? A: Michaela Watkins; Q: Who played Stacey? A: the kids; Q: Who does Russ accompany to the play date? A: the house; Q: What does Russ notice that looks familiar? A: a location; Q: What was the house used for in an early 90s porn movie? A: a brunch; Q: What event are Jess and Shep invited to with A.J. and his girlfriend? A: 19-year-old; Q: How old is A.J.'s girlfriend? A: the young woman; Q: Who won't come out of the bathroom when Jess and Shep go to pick up A.J. and his girlfriend? Summary: After being told by a teacher that Maya is a loner at school, Lina reluctantly agrees to bring Maya to a play date arranged by Stacey ( Michaela Watkins ), a woman she hates. While accompanying the kids, Russ remarks that the house looks familiar, and is able to confirm that it was used as a location in an early 90s porn movie. Elsewhere, Jess and Shep are invited to a brunch with A.J. and his 19-year-old girlfriend, but when they go to pick them up, the young woman won't come out of the bathroom. |
P[A]RIS
Sydney, in an alias of an (ugly) prosthetic nose and a curly red wig, enters a restaurant.
Host: Bonsoir, Madame
Syd: Marie Gerard
Host: La table est prête Sydney follows the host, and walks pass Vaughn, sitting at the bar. Sydney is seated.
Syd: Un martini. Sec. Quatre olives.
Vaughn: She's in position. No sign of Connelly.
Cut to Dixon in van.
Dixon: He'll reveal himself.
Host (placing Martini on table): Madame.
Syd: Merci. Syd takes the four olives out of the glass and puts them on the table.
Vaughn: She just made the announcement. A man walks up to the table
Connelly: Il est trop tard pour une femme d'être ici toute seule.
Syd: Moins dangereux qu'au Bangladesh. Connelly nods and sits down.
Connelly: I thought you might not come.
Syd: You underestimate me already.
Connelly: Well, I almost didn't come
Syd: Why is that? Crisis of conscience?
Connelly: I thought I might find a buyer willing to pay more.
Syd: I am not here for small talk, Monsieur Connelly. Are you selling, or no?
Connelly: I presume. . . you brought the down payment. Sydney smiles slightly. A man enters the dining room. Vaughn notices him, watches him sit down.
Vaughn: We may have a possible third party. Sending you a visual Outrigger. Vaughn snaps a pic of the man with a camera phone.
Dixon: Got it, searching for a match. Dixon's computer runs a facial recognition scan. Cut back to Syd and Connelly
Connelly: So, what are your plans for your...new purchase.
Syd: Monsieur Connelly, where..is..the chip? Connelly pulls of the bottom of a wine bottle, revealing the chip.
Connelly: This is my way out.
Cut to Vaughn
Vaughn: Anything, Outrigger?
Dixon: Come on...No matchs Shotgun. Cut back to Syd and Connelly
Connelly: With this sale, I can buy a new life. A House on the Mediterranean. Maybe, get a dog - Shots are fired, Connally is shot in the back of the head.
Vaughn: We're under fire! The man fires, Sydney and Vaughn jump to the ground. The man runs by the table and takes the chip. The man runs into the kitchen, but Vaughn shoots him in the shoulder, making him fall down. Syd and Vaughn enter the kitchen, and the man grabs a knife.
Vaughn: Laisse le couteau
Syd (pulling gun on him): Freeze! Dixon enters the kitchen, gun on the man also.
Man: He won't get me! My family! I'm not going to be made into (something). (sobbing) I won't have it! My wife! My kids! Now, he has the knife up against his neck.
Syd: Put down the knife! The man slits his own throat, causing Syd to look away in disgust.
APO
Sloane and Jack are in Sloane's office.
Sloane: Marshall ran an analysis on the chip recovered in PAris. The download confirms that a biometric targetting device is in fact being developed at a secure location in Austria.
Jack: Attached to a weapons system, this device would facilitate the targetting of an individual based only on a DNA sample or a biometric scan.
Syd: A next-gen sniper.
Sloane: Precisely. That's why I want you a plane to Salsburg by nightfall. Standard retrieval operation.
Syd: But...the man who killed himself?
Sloane: He was sent there to intercept the sale. When the assassin realized that the mission was a failure, he killed himself to protect his family from his employer. (After a pause) Sasha Korchev (Sloane says this, looking at Jack) Jack looks flustered and disturbed by this.
Syd: I don't know that name.
Jack: Korchev is a monster. He's run arms to rebel forces in Rwanda, Sierra Leone, Angola, and holds a very tight leash over his men. Amongst Korchev's tactics is leveraging the live's of their families.
Syd: And it's Korchev's network that's developing the device.
Sloane: Yes, that's correct. But now that we have confirmation that Korchev is alive, I'm tasking Dixon to locate his whereabouts and report to CIA Proper. They'll send a tactical team to secure his arrest.
Jack: I have a liaison at the Angolan Chancory in D.C. . Put Dixon on something else.
Sloane: You want to take this over?
Jack: For the sake of expedience.
Syd: What am I missing?
Sloane: OK JAck, it's yours. (After a pause, to Sydney) Good luck in Salsburg.
Cut to Briefing room, Weiss and Vaughn are talking
Weiss: I'm telling you, this is a mistake. You gotta bring the team in on this one.
Vaughn: No way, not until I find out more.
Weiss: Alright, let's just ASSUME that your father did write those journals.
Vaughn: I know my father's handwriting. Things were referenced, things he couldn't know about. I know it sounds crazy but -
Weiss: The Soxs winning the Series is crazy. What you're talking about doing here is insane.
Vaughn: The Nurse who led me to those journals, she disappeared. she was a plant.
Weiss: So someone's trying to manipulate you.
Vaughn: What if my father is still alive? What if it's his way of trying to contact me?
Weiss: Ok. Ok, but why now? Why let you and your mother believe that he's been dead for 25 years?
Vaughn: I don't know, that's what I'm gonna find out. Vaughn walks away.
Weiss: Hey Weiss hands him a piece of paper. Vaughn opens it, and it has the address for a Paul Murdock in San Diego.
Vaughn: What's this? Who's Frank Murdock?
Weiss: The codename that you asked me to check in the journals. He's ex-Special Forces. Changed his name several times, finally settled on Frank Murdock. He runs a furniture repair shop outside San Diego.
Vaughn: You didn't tell anyone else about this, did you?
Weiss (Annoyed): Dude.
Vaughn: Nadia?
Weiss (Almost angered): Hey
Vaughn: Thanks
Cut to Sloane entering Jack's office.
Sloane (amused): The Angolan Chancory in D.C...Hmm, don't you think that's a bit thin, JAck?
Jack: You should've brought this to me first.
Sloane: The details of Sasha Korchev's mission are classified. As far is anyone is concerned, the assigment is only to tag the location.
Jack: The CIA wants him assassinated.
Sloane: Which is why I felt it unfair to burden you with this. Dixon has the necessary experience.
Jack: With Dixon, it would have to be a distance hit. I'll be able to get close to Korchev.
Sloane: Oh, I'm aware of that. And frankly, that concerns me.
Jack: I'll be fine. (beat) Korchev should've been eliminated years ago. When I had the chance.
MADA[G]ASCAR
Jack enters a little cottage on the beach.
Man: Ah, look at you. Back from the dead.
Jack: Hello, Jimmy. You look awful.
Jimmy: I keep telling my self, green vegetables. Gotta eat more of them. He pours himself and Jack a drink
Jimmy: BUt, you know how that is. (after they drink) So, um, Jack, do you come bearing gifts?
Jack: Only the best. Jack pulls out a portable DVD player and a CD Case.
Jack (tapping the CD Case): This. . . This was hard to find. Jimmy's rubbing his hands together in excitement. Jack puts the DVD in and plays it. Screams emit from the player, female screams, accompanied by a low, guttural one. Jimmy's hands are moving in a strange way.
Jimmy: Is this...? I thought it was just a rumor! Jack closes the player. Jimmy has a weird, twitchy reaction.
Jimmy: Jack! What do you want?
Jack: Information.
Jimmy: Anything!
Jack: The protocol for contacting Sasha Korchev. Jimmy's smile disappears now.
Jimmy: Um, come on JAck. You know I can't! Jack puts the DVD player back into his bag.
Jack: I'm disappointed Jimmy. I thought you were a true conniesuer Jack begins to walk away.
Jimmy: Seriously, man, that's just not right! Jack! If Korchev finds out it was me...my life might not be worth much! But whatever, still! Ok! Jack turns around.
Jimmy: I'll, I'll lay it out for you.
Cut to black. Opening Credits Syd and Marshall watching a video of Mashall's son
MARSHALL: One small step for Mitchell Flinkman, one giant leap for man kind
SYD: Look at those legs, oh he's incredible, he's delicious
MARSHALL: Hehe, I've taken many a chop with a little salt n pepper. He's the best, makes it all worth it, oh Sorry, speaking of which Salisbury, now according to the memory chip Korcheff is storing the targeting system in a sub-basement of a disco tech that he ownes called The Club Felice, which officially begs the questions what is it with these guys and night clubs?
SYD: cracks a smile Scene enters at night club shows Sydney in plain clothes then flash back to APO
MARSHALL: Korcheffs regional security chief is a Jerimiah Goster, from Goster's Insititute of security protocol of based on access cards you will need a level 3 clearance to enter the belly of the building since the access card hardware is annoyingly difficult to duplicate you will need to steal one from from one of the night club employees. Scene back to the night club eyeing all the employees with access cards and where they are on their persons View changes to a bar back as he's addressing a customer in another language, Syd approaches bar back
SYD: Con eak un stellin ona dia (Austrian words phonetically spelled) Syd sounding like an amatur at the language
BAR BACK: Laughs - not bad, definitely in the ball park
SYD: O my God, thank you for being an American. I don't think I can bare mangling the language in front of one more local
BAR BACK: Don't feel bad, these people like to be offended, its their comfort zone
SYD: Let me guess...Upstate New York...
BAR BACK: Yeah, Yeah Rochester.. How did you know that?
SYD: I went to Buffalo State, Undergrad
BAR BACK: Come on, GO Bangles
SYD: Don't even say that it makes me wanna cry, my god, I miss it so much...I mean this time of year me and my girlfriends should be grabbin 2 beef on wrekin and a six pack you know. (drops something) ops look at at me... for the nosebleeds. There's nothing like Roast Beef and psillner in 30 degree weather, you know what I mean
BAR BACK: Yeah, yeah I do know... Voice from the bar yelling out Sam .....something in Austrian
BAR BACK: Oh that's me
SYD: Sam BAR BACK :Yeah, sorry I cant offer you a drink...Bar back...
SYD: waves at him going back to the bar smiling Back to APO ...
MARSHALL: The good thing, slash, bad thing about living in Austria, smoking is not prohibited. Er-go you have just developed a smoking habit (offers Syd a Cigarette)
SYD: No Thanks
MARSHALL: Good answer, just checking. It is actually a mag strip encoder. Just slide it through here like so and it will analyze the access control algorythems, extrapolate the clearances and then reprogram the card to give you full access.
SAM: Hey
SYD: Sam, hey
SAM: Eh, Do you need a light?
SYD: No, thank you, I was just looking
SAM: Didn't mean to scare you
SYD: oh, stop, found it
SAM: um, so listen, I never do this, really, but um I been here for six months and I don't really know anybody, at least not anybody who knows anything about Beef on wrek. So, (laughs) that smile and those dimples are pretty much the greatest thing Ive ever seen, so, I think
SYD: I have a boyfriend
SAM: Right, no, right, of course
SYD: Thank you
SAM: Guess you gotta try huh
SYD: Where's the bathroom?
SAM: Its just (pointing stumbling on his words)
SYD: (Sneaks down to the basement of the club) Merlin, Merlin
MARSHALL: (putting on ear piece) Ok, I got ya Phoniex
SYD: Heading in Show the control room of the club Something said in Austrian about the door being opened. Security man responds in English
CLUB SECURITY MAN: No one is supposed to be down there. Run a sweep on section Delta. Pull up all the employee access records. Let's find out who is down there.
SYD: (looking at papers and stuff on a computer desk in a dark lab looking room)
MARSHALL: What do you see?
SYD: The work station is cleared. Wait a minute (walks to another part of the room sees a bin on a desk) Status report, Operation Hawkeye, dated today,
MARSHALL: Open it up
SYD: (blank orange paper) nothing (puts the paper under a light and sees hidden writing) The reports embedded. ( goes to a copier machine and makes a copy) Transport protocol enacted, delivery on schedule, they moved the targeting device. Scheduled to leave the country at 0600 hours
MARSHALL: OK, checking airfields and shipping yards.
SYD: Installation complete, status field ready. My God, its already weaponized.
(someone opens the door of the room)
MARSHALL: Syd? Syd are you ok?
SYD: (Grabs the man coming in) Operation Hawkeye, where is it being shipped out of? Tell me!
CLUB GUARD: No!
Back in the security control room of the Club on the computer screen a picture of the employee Sam
CLUB SECURITY MAN: Sam Houser, breach initiated by Sam Houser. Club level employee, all units locate and detain him!
SYD: (over hears order on the radio that the guard has on him) It was'nt a yes or no question. The name of the shipping yard.
CLUB GUARD: The Delomper shipping.
SYD: (elbows him in the face and walks out)
MARSHALL: Syd are you okay?
CLUB SECURITY MAN: Movin in, let's get him.. The guards walk by Sydney hiding behind a door and then she makes her way back up to the club floor.
SYD: Im ok
MARSHALL: whoo, be careful ok
SYD: What do you have?
MARSHALL: Houser, Samual, David living for a ½ year in Austria on a student visa. Odd jobs, owes money on some over due movie rentals but other than that, he's, he's just a guy. On the club floor Syd looks for Sam and goes up to him
SYD: Hey, let's get out of here
SAM: uhh but you said you had a boyfriend, I thought
SYD: A girl can change her mind right?
SAM: Um I don't get off for like another hour but you can wait for me at the bar or
SYD: (plants a kiss on him) If you don't leave with me right now you will regret it
SAM: right, well uh we can slip right out the back door
SYD: you took the words right outta my mouth They both go out the back of the club
CLUB SECURITY MAN: Go check over there
[SCENE_BREAK]
BACK TO APO
NADIA: Delomper shipping is 30 miles outside of Salisburg
SYD: Have an in country contact.
SLOANE: Use him have him supply you for the mission. We need to secure the weapon before it leaves port.
SAM: Hey, if we cross over to Philton I know a great wine bar
SYD: Im sorry Im on the phone with my sister
SAM: Where's the phone?
SYD: We have another situation, a civilian, Korcheff's team tagged him as my accomplice, I can't leave him
SLOANE: Pass him off to your contact, We'll have him reestablished stateside by the weekend
SAM: That cell is insane, the guy at the store told me mine was the smallest I knew he was jobbin me.
SYD: Sam
SAM: Yeah
SYD: There's something I have to tell you
SAM: Your having second thoughts
SYD: Its not about that
SAM: If this is about your boyfriend, let me just say
SYD: Forget about the boyfriend
SAM:Well then maybe we can just go back to my place and talk it nice to have a normal conversation, if you don't mind a mess
SYD: Sam.... you can never go back to your place.
SAM: What?
SYD: Listen to me. Your bosses at the club are bad men. I was there tonight to stop them from doing a bad thing
SAM: Wait a minute
SYD: I needed your access card and I took it and now they think we work together.
SAM: Work together? What about Beef on ... Who the hell are you?
SYD: I need you to trust me right now
SAM: Oh is that what you need? Ok that's good cuz I gotta get back to work so I can get away from
SYD: WAIT...if you go back there, they will kill you
SAM: Your serious
SYD: But if you stick with me I promise I will protect you. We have ways of handling situations
SAM: Whose we?
SYD: I can't tell you that
SAM: You already lied to me once so how do I know your not one of the bad guys?
SYD: If I was was one of the bad guys you'd already be dead.
SAN DIEGO
Scene goes off to a carpenter shop where a guys hands a man in a wheelchair a piece of woodwork
MAN IN WHEELCHAIR: Thanks Joe Vaughn walks in to the shop and approaches the man in the wheelchair
VAUGHN: Hi uh I'm looking for someone Frank Murdock have you heard of him?
MURDOCK: Nope never heard of him
VAUGHN: Well the shop is registered to his name.
MURDOCK: (Snickers) What are you a cop?
VAUGHN: No it's a personal matter regarding my father. Tell you what; whenever you get your memory back tell him Michael Vaughn is looking for him. (Hands Murdock a piece of paper) Here's my number, thanks for your help.
MURDOCK: You really Bill Vaughn's kid?
VAUGHN: Yeah.
MURDOCK: (Shows Vaughn a picture) There's your dad. In the middle. That's me on the right. Everyone else is dead.
VAUGHN: What do you think he's still alive?
MURDOCK: Well I hope not.
VAUGHN: When was the last time you saw him?
MURDOCK: The Falkland Conflict. We were supposed to lead a team of locals to secure a British position. Our men were ambushed, and Bill didn't even flinch. While I broke command and charged in to defend our men, next thing I know my legs went numb. He shot me in the back. I don't remember hitting the ground but I remember lying there looking up at him completely paralyzed and he just stared down at me and lit a cigarette, ha and walked away. That's the last I ever saw of him.
VAUGHN: I can't believe that's true.
MURDOCK: Yeah, well if he's still alive, I'll give you one piece of advice; don't turn your back on him.
END OF SCENE
SYDNEY: (In a phone booth looking at an ad then picking up the phone while Sam is in the background.)
SAM: Who you calling?
SYD: (Turns and smiles at him coyly)
SAM: Oh yeah, that's right, my bad
CONTACT ON THE PHONE: Good Evening
SYD: Phoenix inquiring about a midnight snack.
CONTACT ON THE PHONE: And how many will we be serving?
SYD: Two, One will have the special, One will be ordering off the menu
CONTACT ON THE PHONE: When will you be joining us?
SYD: As soon as possible
CONTACT ON THE PHONE: I'll make sure the table is ready.
SYD: Thank you. (Hangs up and turns to Sam)
SAM: Let me guess...that wasn't a real restaurant.
(Flash to CONTACT PERSON ON THE PHONE on the phone calling the CLUB SECURITY MAN
CONTACT PERSON ON THE PHONE: I'll have them delivered to you shortly
CLUB SECURITY MAN: I assure you Mr. Tuabber; Sasha Korcheff will be made aware of your allegiance
MR TAUBBER: That's all I ask.
ANGOLA
JACK: (Approaches a group of armed Mercenaries at a picnic table) In Angolan sub titled in English
I'm looking for the Rug Merchant (The Mercenaries get up and start to pat and search Jack, take money from his wallet) His shop is sixty kilometers up the Bantu River.
MERSONARY MEN: (Hit Jack in the back of the knees and bag his head with a sack, speaking in Angolan, throw Jack in the back of a pick up truck) Switch back to SYD and SAM
SAM: When are they coming?
SYD: They should be here soon, Sam
SAM: I'm not stupid. Ok, I understand what happens in the witness protection program. I get shipped off to some boring suburb; they pick a name right out of the Episcopalian registry. I don't get to see my family anymore. You think my mother is gonna be able to handle that?
SYD: When I know everything is safe I'll let her know you're okay.
SAM: You know what the real pisser about this whole thing is? Is that I came here to pump some thunder into my veins, try to find some inspiration, take a shot at writing something. Didn't happen. Just drink a lot of beer.
SYD: Here we go. (A man gets out of a jeep and approaches them)
MR TAUBER: Agent Bristow, so good to see you again. (Kisses her on both cheeks) Is this the cargo?
SYD: This is Sam, yep
MR TAUBER: We'll have him whitewashed in an hour. Come, please. No worries, the supplies are in the vehicle.
SYD: You have a weapon for me?
MR TAUBER: Of course my dear, let's get out of the cold first hum
(They walk over to the Jeep and SYD notices someone trying to hide in the back seat. SYD grabs MR TAUBER and shoots the man in the back seat. Then she fights with MR TAUBER and smashes him using the door of the jeep. SAM watches in amazement)
SYD: We need to get out of here. We're not safe.
SAM: I'm not going anywhere with you.
SYD: Sam! Take my hand we have to go.
SAM: Look at what you did to him.
SYD: We just got blindsided and we dealt with it. But that doesn't mean we give up. It doesn't change who we are. I'm on your side. I'm not gonna lie to you Sam, I'm not gonna have the supplies I was counting on, I can't promise you how this thing is gonna turn out.
SAM: What you mean you don't have back up
SYD: I'm it. I need you to think. Do you know any back ways to the Delong Precia Shipyards?
SAM: Yeah, I mean you can take the Metro, why?
SYD: The people who are after us have a weapon they shouldn't have and I want to take it from them.
SAM: Let's go to the Metro. Hey hold on, you do understand that I don't have any skills. Not in a physical sense.
SYD: It's okay. I got you. Come on Come on (they run towards the Jeep)
Scene change to Sasha walking down stairs with guards. Jeep pulls up with Jack hooded in the back.
MERCENARY MAN: This is your stop.
SASHA: Remove his hood. Untie his hands. Did this man carry identification?
MERCENARY MAN: Yes he did.
SASHA: And do you know who he is? (Says something in Angolan)
MERCENARY MAN: Sir, I...I didn't Sasha pulls a gun out and shoots the man in the knee.
SASHA: You strike this man and you strike me in the heart, understand? Jack, my dear friend.
JACK: Hello Sasha
SASHA: I apologize for that scene outside; I've always remembered what you taught me. Treat your men like children. Give them rope to become their own men, if they make mistakes, hang them with it.
JACK: I'd say my lessons have served you well.
SASHA: I'd ask how you managed to find me but I know you too well.
JACK: You can rest assured you're well insulated.
SASHA: I do what is necessary to stay alive. After all I don't have you or the CIA to watch my back anymore. I must say I was shocked at how abruptly our association ended. One day we are working together, arming a rebellion, the next you're gone.
JACK: My mandate changed.
SASHA: Yet here you are. Why are you here Jack?
JACK: I'm entering the private sector. Now that I'm out from under their watchful eye I was hoping we could talk business?
SASHA: It would be my honor to work with you. (His cell phone rings) Excuse me. (Answers phone) Yes.
CLUB SECURITY MAN: The delivery of the package is proceeding on schedule
SASHA: Keep me posted. (Hangs up and turns back to Jack)
SASHA: Jack, I want to show you my Zoo
JACK: (laughs) It was a dusty ride
SASHA: Of course, forgive me. I have an 18 year old single malt to remedy that. Heh
JACK: Excellent (both walk into Sasha's home)
SASHA: Jack, I'd like to you to meet my wife, Lamni.
LAMNI: The Jack?
SASHA: The One.
LAMNI: Well then, the pleasure is all mine. I hope you will be staying awhile; I'd like to get to know the man my husband talks about.
JACK: That's very kind but I'm not sure how long I can stay.
LAMNI: Well, dinner at least? I'll see that the staff prepares something wonderful. Truly it's so good to finally meet you.
JACK: You too.
SASHA: I need to steal Sasha from you for just a moment.
JACK: Certainly
SASHA: Make yourself comfortable in my office. First door on your left. SASHA and LAMNI walk away and JACK enters SASHA's office
JACK: Looks around the office and picks up a photo on the desk of 2 military men (maybe Bill Vaughn?) He puts the photo down and pulls out a retractable wire which he then starts wrapping around his fingers while looking at himself in a wall mirror. Scene changes to the CLUB SECURITY MAN and an associate walking on a dock or pier pushing a utility cart into a building. View changes to SYD and SAM creeping by a white van outside the building.
SAM: Can you tell what it is?
SYD: UAV Assault Chopper
SAM: It's kinda small.
SYD: They customized it
SAM: What?
SYD: It's a biometric targeting system. It's in the chopper. Once that thing locks on to its target there's no hiding
SAM: So that thing kills people?
SYD: Can you drive this thing? (Nodding towards the white van)
SAM: Yeah
SYD: Remember when you said you wanted to pump some thunder into your veins, well your about to get your chance. Ill get the weapon. You drive the Van into the warehouse. Pick me up in 3 minutes. SAM get into the van SYD goes into the warehouse and hits the guy over the head with a crow bar. SAM puts key into the ignition.
SAM: You can do this. Stay cool. SYD is in front of the weapon and it targets her as the enemy. The van comes screeching into the warehouse and the CLUB SECURITY GUY tried to get out of an office but it's locked.
SAM: (to SYD) Get In!
SYD: Here take this. CLUB SECURITY GUY has a laptop that states the helicopter is SYSTEM ACTIVE ATTACK. The mini helicopter starts up in front of SYD and she begins to run while the mini helicopter shoots at her.
SYD: Get down, stay in there. (Syd takes off running for her life from the mini helicopter throughout the warehouse.) SAM is in the van and the CLUB SECURITY MAN comes to the van with his gun pointed. SAM slips out before the man gets there. The CLUB SECURITY MAN stops searching the inside of the van and walks around it. SAM comes around from the back of the van gun in hand. He comes from behind the CLUB SECURITY MAN and starts shooting, missing the man entirely, the CLUB SECURITY MAN shoots back and hits SAM in the upper arm. SYD jumps out from behind some boxes and starts to fight. The Mini helicopter comes around the corner and SYD takes CLUB SECURITY MAN and blocks herself with him and the mini helicopter shoots the CLUB SECURITY MAN and SYD tricks the mini helicopter into thinking she was eliminated. SYD pushes the CLUB SECURITY MAN off of her and goes over to SAM who is lying on the floor.
SAM: I missed.
SYD: I noticed.
SAM: That guy was my boss. He shot me. (Laughs nervously) It doesn't hurt.
SYD: It will soon.
SAM: Oh oh (in pain) we did it huh? We saved the world.
SYD: Something like that (Syd pulling him up off the floor) Scene changes back to SASHA's house. SASHA walks into his office
JACK: She's lovely, your wife.
SASHA: Indeed, we just found out, she's pregnant.
JACK: Congratulations
SASHA: I'll be honest with you. When I first saw the heartbeat, I was scared. I thought what kind of father will I be? Seeing you here, I'm reminded of the tools you've given me, the tools for being a man. (holds up glass to JACK to salute, they drink)
JACK: I gave you the tools; you chose how to use them.
SASHA: There was a time Jack when we were both working for a higher purpose but our goals were not the same, that became clear when you and your agency abandoned me. I realized on that day how naive I'd been. I had no option but to pick myself up, stay on course. Because that is the man you taught me to be. I know that there are some in your government that see my business as a form of betrayal.
JACK: (While strangling SASHA with the wire) You betrayed me. JACK leaves SASHA dead in the office and exits the office.
JACK: Mr. Korcheff asks not to be disturbed. He will be out shortly. I need a car; I need to go to town. Back to LA
WEISS: Hey
VAUGHN: Hey
WEISS: When did you get back?
VAUGHN: About an hour ago.
WEISS: Did you find Murdock?
VAUGHN: Na, I couldn't track him down.
NADIA: Ready? We should go. We're going to the movies do you wanna come?
VAUGHN: Oh, no thanks, not tonight.
NADIA: Is it important, we don't have to go.
VAUGHN: You guys go. I'll see you tomorrow.
WEISS: Alright
NADIA: Good night
VAUGHN: Goodnight (sighs after they leave) Scene changes to bleachers with SAM and SYD:
SYD: I spoke to my people, they spoke to people. It's safe for you to go back home.
SAM: Think I'm done here. (Laughs) I think its time for me to move on. It must kill ya. You get to do all these crazy things, see these amazing places, gotta keep it to yourself
SYD: You know what it's not so bad. It gives people like us something in common.
SAM: People like us huh (cheesy smiling) (SYD gets up to walk away)
SAM: Hey, Ill see you around the globe
SYD: Goodbye, SAM
BACK TO APO
SYD: Hey Dad. I heard you located Korcheff.
JACK: Yes, I did.
SYD: Sloane said he was taken in a standoff. Were you there?
JACK: I saw it play out.
SYD: Heading home?
JACK: Yeah, I'm gonna grab some dinner first.
SYD: okay, night.
JACK: Good night.
SYD: Dad, I'm kinda hungry myself, If you wouldn't mind the company
JACK: What about your report?
SYD: It'll keep
They smile and walk out of APO. | Plan: A: Jack; Q: Who kills an old friend who is poised to receive a biometrically targeted weapon? A: Sydney; Q: Who saves a civilian? A: miniature helicopter; Q: What is the weapon Sydney confronts? A: an innocent civilian; Q: Who does Sydney save from the weapon? A: Vaughn; Q: Who learns that his father was possibly a traitor? Summary: Jack kills an old friend who is poised to receive a biometrically targeted weapon. Sydney confronts the weapon (miniature helicopter with automatic weapons fire and Artificial Intelligence) and saves an innocent civilian. Vaughn learns that his father was possibly a traitor. |
Following a "Previously on The Big Bang Theory" section
Scene: The Comic Book Store.
Stuart: So, Howard's really in space, huh?
Leonard: Mm-hmm, International Space Station. 250 miles that way.
Raj: Right now, Howard's staring down at our planet like a tiny Jewish Greek god. Zeusowitz.
Sheldon: I must admit, I can't help but feel a twinge of envy. He can look out the window and see the majesty of the universe unfolding before his eyes. His dim, uncomprehending eyes. It's like a cat in an airport carrying case.
Leonard: You know, it's not exactly glamorous up there. The water that the astronauts drink is made from each other's recycled urine.
Stuart: Must be nice. Nobody wants anything that comes out of me.
Raj: I wonder what he's doing right this very second.
Leonard: Mm, conducting experiments in zero gravity.
Raj: Peering through his telescope at the birth of the cosmos.
Sheldon: Whatever it is, we know his life will never be the same.
Scene: The International Space Station.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Howard. Can you hear me?
Howard: I can hear you without the phone,
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Don't be snippy. I'm just excited to talk to my baby.
Howard: I'm excited to talk to you, too.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): So, what's this mishegas about you moving out to go live with the little Polish girl?
Howard: How about calling her my wife?
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Wives don't take boys from their mothers.
Howard: They do. That's why we marry them.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): I just hope I'm not dead from a broken heart before you get back.
Howard: Ma, please. Everyone from NASA is listening to this phone call.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Good. They should know what a horrible son you are.
Howard: Okay, Ma, great talking to you. Gotta go. Well, space is ruined. Credits sequence.
Scene: Penny's apartment. Penny is bleaching Amy's upper lip.
Amy: This is so exciting. Soon, my upper lip will be the same fake blonde as my beautiful best friend.
Penny: Hey, this is my natural hair colour. Now. So, does Sheldon have anything special planned for you tomorrow night?
Amy: Oh, yes. According to the Relationship Agreement, on the anniversary of our first date, he must take me to a nice dinner, ask about my day and engage in casual physical contact that a disinterested onlooker might mistake for intimacy.
Penny: That's hot. You kids better use protection.
Amy: How long does this stay on?
Penny: Just a couple of minutes. You've really never done this before?
Amy: Once in high school, but I dozed off and woke up with second-degree chemical burns on my face.
Penny: Oh, my gosh, that's awful. The other kids make fun of you?
Amy: No, I had a cover story, I told everyone it was herpes. So, how's everything going with you and Leonard?
Penny: Uh, I don't know, it's still kind of weird. We haven't really recovered since he proposed to me in the middle of s*x.
Amy: Oh, boo-hoo. If Sheldon proposed to me during s*x, my ovaries would grab on to him and never let go.
Scene: The university cafeteria.
Sheldon: Leonard, where do you stand on the anthropic principle?
Leonard: Interesting question. On the one hand, I always thought...
Sheldon: You don't even know what it is, do you? The anthropic principle states that if we wish to explain why our universe exists the way it does, the answer is that it must have qualities that allow intelligent creatures to arise who are capable of asking the question. As I am doing so eloquently right now.
Leonard: I know what the anthropic principle is.
Sheldon: Of course. I just explained it to you. Now, where do you stand on it?
Leonard: Where do you stand on it?
Sheldon: Strongly pro.
Leonard: Then I believe that God created the world in six days, and on the seventh he made you to annoy me.
Raj: Hey, guys.
Leonard: Hey.
Sheldon: Yeah, wait, Raj, where do you stand on the anthropic principle?
Raj: I'm all for it.
Sheldon: Attaboy!
Leonard: Well, hang on. Why do you believe that he knows what it is and I don't?
Sheldon: Oh, Leonard. Let's not take a saw to the branch we're sitting on, shall we?
Raj: Hey, uh, if you guys are free tonight, I heard about a spa where you soak your feet n a pool full of little fish that eat all the dead skin right off them. I don't need to tell you in Los Angeles, sandal season is year round.
Leonard: Actually, I'm hanging out with Penny.
Raj: Oh, okay. Sounds like it's me and you, Sheldon. How about we sic some guppies on those puppies?
Sheldon: As I've stated before on numerous occasions, the only sea creature I would even consider being eaten by is the Kraken, because the last words I would hear are "Release the Kraken." That never gets old. "Release the Kraken!" Oh, chills. Besides, I'm having dinner with Amy.
Raj: Oh, okay. I'll just go home and be alone. Which is cool. I eat alone, I sleep alone, I cry alone, so, cool.
Sheldon: Darn. If you weren't busy, I'd ask you to join us.
Raj: Really? I can come? Thanks.
Leonard: Sheldon, are you sure you want to be bringing Raj on your date night with Amy?
Sheldon: Oh, absolutely. I have a contractual obligation to provide Amy with conversation and casual physical contact, but nowhere is it specified that I can't outsource that to an Indian.
Scene: The International Space Station
Bernadette (on webcam): Howie? Howie?
Howard: Hey, there's my beautiful bride. Can you see me?
Bernadette: I can. How are you?
Howard: I'm amazing. I mean, this is even better than I dreamed. I look out the window, and it's all so unbelievable.
Bernadette: Good for you. I just had a seemingly endless dinner with your mom.
Howard: Oh, yeah? That's nice.
Bernadette: It was. Until I found out you never told her we're not gonna live with her. Let's talk about that for a minute.
Howard: Hey, look, this pen is floating. How crazy is that?
Bernadette: You said you told her, but you never did!
Howard: Okay, okay, I know you're upset, but let me share something I've learned since I got here. You realize how small your problems are when you're looking down on them from space. Now, come on, that's got to make you feel better.
Bernadette: How clear is the image of me on that screen?
Howard: Pretty clear.
Bernadette: Do I look like I feel better?
Howard: I mean, it's not, like, HD quality.
Bernadette: Listen, mister, you're gonna talk to your mother and you're gonna fix this, or that thing I said I was gonna do to you the minute you got home, you can do to yourself.
Dimitri: Like he's been doing since he got here.
Scene: A restaurant.
Amy: Sheldon, this place is so romantic.
Sheldon: Oh, I'm glad you like it. Raj picked it out.
Amy: Well, when you see him, tell him I say thank you.
Sheldon: Tell him yourself.
Raj: Yoo-hoo! Over here!
Amy: I don't understand. What's he doing here?
Sheldon: I invited him.
Amy: On our date? Sheldon, that's not okay.
Sheldon: Yes, it is. There's a loophole in the Relationship Agreement.
Amy: You found a loophole?
Raj: Sorry I started without you. I'm a little nervous. It's been a long time since I've been on a date.
Amy: I can't believe I bleached my moustache for this.
Raj: You should go to my girl. She'll knock out those sideburns for free. Later.
Raj: You know, Amy, I don't even think you and I have had a real conversation. Let's use tonight to get to know each other a little better. You start.
Amy: Go home.
Raj: I don't understand.
Amy: Sheldon, how could you do this? It's our second anniversary.
Raj: It's your anniversary? Oh, my God, I had no idea. Amy, please, let me make this right.
Amy: Thank you.
Raj: My pleasure. Waiter? A bottle of champagne and three glasses. Oh, boy, isn't this romantic?
Sheldon: Oh, I hope that's a rhetorical question, because I have no clue.
Scene: The apartment.
Penny: This is great. What's the occasion?
Leonard: No occasion. You know, things have been a little weird between us, so I wanted to throw together a fun night just for you.
Penny: That is so sweet.
Leonard: I got all your favourites. Beer, wings, sliders. We can watch the football game. I even painted my stomach.
Penny: Go Sports?
Leonard: Well, in case you were in the mood for baseball, I didn't want to look ridiculous.
Penny: This is awesome. I love it!
Leonard: Good, I'm glad.
Penny: Gosh, I worked my ass off today. This is exactly what I needed.
Leonard: Great. Just relax and enjoy. Tonight is all about you.
Penny: Ah, thank you!
Leonard: So, where exactly are we in this relationship?
Penny: Oh, come on. I just told you I had a hard day.
Leonard: You're right, I'm sorry. Let's watch the game.
Penny: Great.
Leonard: I just know the longer we wait to talk about it, the weirder it gets.
Penny: Sweetie, can I just be the girl tonight?
Leonard: Absolutely. You're the girl, I'm the guy. Now, you watch your football game while I make you a little plate here.
Penny: Thank you. (Knock on door)
Leonard: Oh, I'll get it. Go sports.
Raj: Hello-lo-lo.
Leonard: What are you doing here? I thought you were out with Sheldon and Amy.
Raj: I was, but it's their anniversary and I didn't want to be a third wheel, so I figured I'd come over here and hang out with you and Penny on your date.
Leonard: Well, it's not really a great time. Penny and I have some things we need to talk about.
Penny: No, we don't! Come on in!
Raj: Sweet!
Leonard: I can't believe I shaved my stomach for this.
Scene: The International Space Station
Dimitri: Hey, Froot Loops. You got a phone call.
Howard: Who is it?
Dimitri: A woman who says she's your mother but sounds like your father.
Howard: Hey, Ma. You know, we could see each other if you turn on the computer.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): I'm not going near that fakakta thing. I'll catch a computer virus.
Howard: You can't catch a computer virus.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Oh, so now you're an astronaut and a doctor?
Howard: What do you want, Ma?
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Your wife says you have something important to tell me.
Howard: Okay, here it is. Bernadette and I are starting a life together and...
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Oh, God! You are gonna leave me.
Howard: Ma...
Mrs Wolowitz (off): It's okay. Your father left me, you left me, I guess I'm just the kind of person people like to leave.
Howard: It's not definite. I'll talk to Bernadette.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Don't bother. I'll just go sit in a hole in the ground so I'm no trouble when I die.
Howard: Stop it, Ma. I'm sure I can get Bernie to come around.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): I knew it. I knew she was behind this. You listen to me, if you want to be a man you can't let a woman tell you what to do.
Howard: Okay, okay.
Dimitri: Oy. I can't believe these people won the Cold War.
Howard: Now, can we please change the subject?
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Fine. Explain why you've been gone so long and I haven't gotten a single letter. Not even a lousy postcard.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Scene: The apartment.
Raj: You know, I'm growing to like American football.
Penny: Yeah, it's fun, isn't it?
Raj: Well, it's not the balls-to-the-wall action of badminton or cricket, but hey, what is?
Penny: All right, who's ready for another beer?
Leonard: I'm good.
Raj: No, thank you.
Penny: Girls.
Raj: Oh, I'm having the nicest time. You guys are like family to me. You know that, right?
Leonard: That's great. Get out.
Raj: What? Why?
Leonard: Penny and I have some issues we need to talk about.
Raj: Oh pish on your issues. You guys are fine. Yes, you hit some bumps along the way. I mean, Penny, you've always known how this man has felt about you, but you made him grovel for affection.
Penny: Okay, hold on...
Raj: Now, don't blame yourself. He was a groveller from way back. But the point is, the two of you got past it. And, Leonard, you go and propose to this poor girl in the middle of s*x? That was some weak tea, dude.
Leonard: Some people might say it was romantic.
Raj: Yeah, no. But yet, here you two are, still together. And that's even after you and I had our crazy naked night.
Leonard: Okay.
Penny: That's enough.
Raj: I'm just saying that after everything you've been through, you get to look into each other's eyes and say "I love you." And that's beautiful.
Leonard: Actually, to this day, she's never really said it.
Raj: Oh, Penny. That's ridiculous. You know you love him. You, you look him in the eyes and you say it.
Penny: Raj.
Raj: Oh come on, you know you want to say it. Say it. Say you love him. Say it!
Scene: The hallway. Raj is ejected from the apartment.
Raj: I really thought she would say it.
Scene: The restaurant.
Amy: Have I ever told you you're like a sexy praying mantis?
Sheldon: Every time you drink alcohol.
Amy: You know what's wonderful about the praying mantis? They devour their mate.
Sheldon: Your point being?
Amy: Dessert is served.
Sheldon: I just had cobbler.
Amy: You know what? I'm done with this.
Sheldon: W-Where are you going?
Amy: I'm leaving.
Sheldon: You can't leave. I need you.
Amy: You do?
Sheldon: Yes. You're my ride.
Amy: Sheldon, you either say something meaningful and from the heart, or you and I are done.
Sheldon: All right. Please. Amy, when I look in your eyes and you're looking back in mine, everything feels not quite normal, because I feel stronger and weaker at the same time. I feel excited and, at the same time, terrified. The truth is, I don't know what I feel, except I know what kind of man I want to be.
Amy: Sheldon, that was beautiful.
Sheldon: I should hope so. That's from the first Spider-Man movie.
Amy: I'll take it.
Sheldon: Good. Now, I assume we're splitting the cheque?
Scene: The Comic Book Store.
Raj: Hey, Stuart.
Stuart: Oh, hey. I was actually just about to close up.
Raj: Oh, I'm sorry. I'll leave.
Stuart: No, no. It's okay. Hang out.
Raj: You sure?
Stuart: Yeah, you're my first customer today.
Raj: All right. Great.
Stuart: I'm, uh, having a nightcap. You want to join me?
Raj: What are you drinking?
Stuart: Coffee liqueur in a Chewbacca mug. I call it a sad-tini.
Raj: Perfect for the night I'm having. Thank you.
Stuart: Hmm. Nice not to drink alone.
Raj: Amen to that. Sometimes I pour a little chardonnay into my dog's water bowl.
Stuart: You're kidding.
Raj: She's kind of a mean drunk, but what are you gonna do?
Stuart: Cheers.
Raj: Cheers.
Stuart: A little music?
Raj: Sure. Mmm. Bossa nova. You listen to that with your hips as well as your ears.
Stuart: Mmm.
Raj: Oh. Something about latin music just makes me feel like I'm on a white sand beach in Rio.
Stuart: Yeah. The sun, the waves, the beautiful bodies, tanned and glistening with sweat.
Raj: I should go.
Stuart: Yeah.
Raj: Uh, thank you for the drink.
Stuart: No problem.
Raj: Hey, Stuart.
Stuart: Yeah?
Raj: Do you want to hang out tomorrow night, maybe grab a bite to eat or catch a late movie?
Stuart: Yeah, I-I'd like to, but I'm a little tight on funds.
Raj: No problem. My treat. I'll swing by after work.
Stuart: Okay.
Raj: Okay.
Stuart: I could do worse.
Scene: The International Space Station
Bernadette: Aw, that's such good news, Howie. Thank you for telling her.
Howard: Hey, I'm a grown man. I'm gonna live with my wife. My mother's just gonna have to learn to make do on her own.
Bernadette: Was she upset?
Howard: Who can tell? She yells everything. She might have been upset. She might have been hungry.
Bernadette: Thanks for fixing it. I love you.
Howard: I love you, too. Sweet dreams. I'll talk to you tomorrow?
Bernadette: Good night, Rocket Man.
Howard: To infinity and beyond, baby.
Dimitri: Loops. You realize you just lied your ass off to your wife and your mother.
Howard: I know.
Dimitri: What are you gonna do when you get back to Earth?
Howard: Oh, I'm never going back. | Plan: A: Howard; Q: Whose mother calls him to tell him he's leaving Bernadette? A: the ISS; Q: Where does Howard's mother call him? A: his mother; Q: Who wants Howard to stay with Bernadette? A: Amy; Q: Who forces Raj to leave Sheldon's anniversary? A: Indian; Q: Who does Sheldon invite Raj to his second anniversary with Amy to outsource to? A: their relationship; Q: What does Leonard want to discuss with Penny? A: resents; Q: How does Leonard feel about Raj's intrusion? A: a drunk Raj; Q: Who demands Penny declare her love for Leonard? A: the apartment; Q: Where is Raj ejected from when he demands Penny declare her love for Leonard? A: Stuart; Q: Who does Raj bond with at the comic book store? A: a nightcap; Q: What do Raj and Stuart bond over? A: the next evening; Q: When do Raj and Stuart plan to meet up? A: Amy's flirtatious gestures; Q: What is lost on Sheldon? A: a hurt; Q: Why does Amy try to abandon their date? A: their date; Q: What does Amy try to abandon when Sheldon demands she return to drive him home? A: a stunningly romantic soliloquy; Q: What does Sheldon say to Amy when she threatens to break up with him? A: first; Q: What Spider-Man movie did Sheldon quote a romantic soliloquy from? Summary: Howard's mother, furious to learn he plans to leave her for Bernadette, calls him at the ISS. To pacify his mother, who wants him to stay, and Bernadette, who doesn't, he lies to both. Meanwhile, Sheldon invites Howard-less Raj to his second anniversary with Amy to outsource to the Indian any romantic activities the Relationship Agreement demands of him. Amy forces Raj to leave, so he crashes on Leonard and Penny's date. Leonard, unlike Penny, wants to discuss their relationship and resents Raj's intrusion, but has to accommodate him for Penny. When a drunk Raj demands Penny declare her love for Leonard, Raj is ejected from the apartment and goes to the comic book store, where he and Stuart bond over a nightcap and plan to meet up the next evening. Elsewhere, Amy's flirtatious gestures are lost on Sheldon; a hurt Amy tries to abandon their date. When he demands she return to drive him home, she says she will break up with him unless he says something romantic. He responds with a stunningly romantic soliloquy which she finds incredibly touching until he admits quoting it from the first Spider-Man movie. |
[ Le Verrier Lab ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
( White noise )
Professor Rasmussen (O.C.): You must not watch this.
Professor Rasmussen: I'm warning you; you can never unsee it... but if you do watch, Gagan Rasmussen... I'm Gagan Rasmussen. This is Le Verrier lab in orbit around Neptune. ( Eerie groaning ) I've put things together into some kind of order so that you can understand, so you can have some idea. There are bits missing. Sorry about that. I don't fully understand what's been going on here. But, er... This is what happened.
( Roaring )
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Rescue ship ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Chopra: Stop staring!
Rasmussen (O.C.): They came from Triton. This is Chopra. Bit of an attitude, in my opinion.
Nagata: Calm down, pet!
Chopra: Well, it's ridiculous! That thing's meant to be a lethal fighting machine and it just moons around like a love-sick puppy!
Deep-Ando: I could hear you ranting from inside the pod, Chopra, for the Gods' sake!
Nagata: Feel better?
Rasmussen (O.C.): Commander Nagata. Young, for the responsibility. Quite a baptism of fire, I'm afraid.
Deep-Ando: Marvellous, ma'am. All hail, Morpheus, eh?
Rasmussen (O.C.): Deep-Ando. Conscript. Likes to think of himself as the joker of this little group. Well...he did...
Chopra: Morpheus, Morpheus, Morpheus... Sleep's the one thing left to us. The one thing they couldn't get their filthy mitts on. Now, they're even grabbing that! Colonising it.
Nagata: Spoken like a true Rip!
Chopra: Don't call me that.
Nagata: "Don't call me that, ma'am." Give it a rest, pet.
Chopra: Give what a rest?
Nagata: This is a mission, Chopra. We find out what's happened on Le Verrier and then we all go home. Keep your politics to yourself, OK?
Deep-Ando: I know someone who'd love to get Chopra back home to Triton, eh? Ho-ho!
Rasmussen (O.C.): This one's obvious from the markings, isn't it? We all know a Grunt when we see one.
Nagata: Come on. Behave. Nearly there, kiddies.
Rasmussen (O.C.): These are the rescue crew. Don't get too attached. Everything you're about to see is from their individual viewpoints or taken from the station itself - the only footage available.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Rasmussen: They came to find me. This is my station. My lab.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Corridor ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Rasmussen (O.C.): I've pieced together the rescue as best I could. If you're going to watch, then...pay close attention. Your lives may depend on it.
Nagata: Emergency lighting only.
Chopra: Grav and orbit's stable. There must be power.
( Eerie groaning )
Nagata: Nothing? No sign of anyone.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Rasmussen: There was no crew. No crew left. They did find others, though. Strangers.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Corridor ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Nagata: What the hell happened here?
474: Hide seek. Maybe they play hide seek.
Chopra: Hide and seek! Why do they miss out words? It's infuriating!
474: Chopra, don't be anger.
Chopra: "Don't be an-gry!" Is it so hard to breed them to speak properly?
Deep-Ando: Oh, lighten up!
Chopra: What now?
474: Talk.
Chopra: What?
474: People talk.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Clara: Do you ever get the feeling like you're being watched?
The Doctor: Paranoia!
Clara: Why is it so dark?
The Doctor: Night-time setting. Faulty filament. Three-day week.
Clara: So, orbit around Neptune?
The Doctor: Yeah. This close into the planet, they must have some pretty powerful anti-grav shielding on board.
Clara: Looks like a Japanese restaurant. Oh! Have you brought me to a space restaurant!?
The Doctor: People never do that, you know?
Clara: Do what?
The Doctor: They never put the word "space" in front of something just because everything's all sort of hi-tech and future-y. It's never "space restaurant" or "space champagne" or "space"...you know..."hat". It's just "restaurant", "champagne" or "hat". Even if this was a restaurant...
Clara: What about spacesuit?
The Doctor: Pedant!
( Weapons powering up )
The Doctor: Hello!
Nagata: You crew? Are you crew? "Engineering stress assessors"?
The Doctor: Yes, yes, we are. We're here to, er...
Clara: We're here to assess stress.
The Doctor: Stress...
Nagata: So, what happened?
The Doctor: From the beginning of time? That's a very long story.
Clara: (under her breath) Doctor...!
The Doctor: Well, we just arrived, you know, and there was nobody about. Well, what are you doing here?
Nagata: 24 hours ago, this station fell silent. No comm signal. Nothing. Dead. We've come to find out why.
The Doctor: Theories?
Nagata: Could be anything. Meteorite strike. Space pirates...
Clara: Ah, see? Not just "pirates". "space pirates"!
The Doctor: So, what, you are a rescue mission?
Nagata: Yes.
The Doctor: Of four?
Nagata: Cuts, pet. Right. You're to consider yourself...
The Doctor: ♪ Part of the furniture! ♪
Nagata: .. under my command.
The Doctor: OK. Really?
Nagata: Yes, really.
The Doctor: Come on.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Clara: We still don't know where we are.
The Doctor: Indo-Japanese.
The Doctor (on screen): Indo-Japanese. 38th century. Tuesday.
Clara (on screen): 38th century?
The Doctor (on screen): After the Great Catastrophe, there was a tectonic realignment. India and Japan, they were... sort of merged.
Clara (on screen): We still don't know where the rest of the crew are, though. I mean, a place this size... Hey, what? "Great Catastrophe"? What Great Catastrophe?!
The Doctor (on screen): Well... You've got all that to look forward to, haven't you? Mind you, this place looks as if it's been dead for a long while now. (blows some dust off his finger)
The Doctor: What is it?
Clara: I still can't shake the feeling.
474: Eyes. Watch. Eyes in sky.
Chopra: What the hell is that supposed to mean?
474: Chopra not worry. 474 protect Chopra. Chopra pretty.
Chopra: Oh, for the Gods'... Just back off!
( Scuffling )
Deep-Ando: Oh, come on now...
Nagata: Let him go, pet!
474: 474 sorry!
Nagata: Let him go, now!
474: Not help it!
( She whimpers )
Chopra: It could have killed me!
Nagata: That's how they're grown. You know that. They react to any attack.
Clara: "Grown"?!
Nagata: They might not give them much upstairs, but our friend here certainly knows how to fight. You'd be glad of her in a tight corner, I'll bet.
Clara: What does she mean "grown"?
The Doctor: She's a Grunt, Clara. They're bred in hatcheries. Cloned muscles. Low intelligence. Brute force. Instant army.
Clara: That's disgusting!
The Doctor: Well, that's how they roll in the 38th century...
( Booming growl )
( Guttural moaning )
The Doctor: (whispers)Hold my hand.
Clara: I'm OK.
The Doctor: I'm not.
( Booming growl )
( Gunshots )
The Doctor: Oh, run, run, run! Run! Run!
Deep-Ando: Follow me! Straight ahead.
Nagata: No! This way! Deep-Ando!
Deep-Ando: Come on!
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Laboratory ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
The Doctor: Quick! Push anything in front of it! We've got to keep them out!
Nagata: Deep-Ando! We've lost him! What the hell are they?
The Doctor: Not pirates.
Nagata: We've got to get Deep-Ando!
The Doctor: Where's your friend?
Nagata: Deep-Ando? I dunno. He's... He's still out there!
( All pant, roaring )
Nagata: 474!
474: ( Yells )
( Pattering )
( Roaring and rumbling fades )
( All gasp )
( Gasping and panting )
Nagata: What the hell are they? Where did they go?
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Corridor ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Deep-Ando (O.C.): Chief Nagata, this is Deep-Ando. Where did you go?
( Beeping )
( Hearbeats, panting )
Deep-Ando: Nagata, this is Deep-Ando! May the Gods look favourably upon you! May the Gods... Are you there?
Nagata (O.C.): Deep-Ando, this is Nagata. May the Gods look favourably upon you.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Laboratory ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Nagata: Deep-Ando, are you there? What are you doing?
The Doctor: Finding out what they're made of.
Nagata: Deep-Ando, are you there?
Chopra: Send the Grunt!
Nagata: No.
Chopra: Why not? That's what it's for. Look, he's still out there! You can't just abandon him.
Nagata: I need proper intel before I risk anyone else. Including 474. Keep trying the comms.
Chopra (O.C.): Deep-Ando, may the Gods look favourably upon you.
Nagata: Well?
The Doctor: Organic. Definitely organic. Blood cells. Skin cells. Mucus.
474: Deep-Ando, may the Gods look favourably upon you. Deep-Ando...
Clara: What are these?
Chopra: "Morpheus"?
Clara: Morpheus? Named after the God of Dreams? Oh, yeah. Ooh, yeah! Not just this. So, what are they, then? Sleep pods?
Chopra: More than that.
( Static crackles )
Chopra: Deep-Ando? Deep-Ando, can you hear me?
Nagata: Keep trying.
The Doctor: I could take a look at that. Triangulate the signal. Help you find your friend.
Clara: First, tell me what those things are.
Chopra: Deep...Deep-Ando?
Deep-Ando (O.C. faint): This is Deep...
Chopra: Deep-Ando, this is Chopra.
Chopra: I'm getting a signal!
Chopra: Deep-Ando can you hear me? Deep-Ando? Deep-Ando, this is Chopra. ( Static crackles ) Can you hear me?
( Alarm blares )
Clara: Doctor!
The Doctor: Clara?
♪ Bom, bom, bom, bom, bom, bom ♪ ♪ Mr Sandman, bring me your dreams... ♪
The Doctor: Clara!
Nagata: It's fine, it's just Morpheus. ♪ Make him the cutest that I've ever seen... ♪
The Doctor: What did you think you were doing?!
Clara: Huh? It dragged me in! The wires, they were like snakes, like it was alive!
The Doctor: Are you OK?
Clara: Yeah. It just kind of flicked over my eyes. Did I sleep?
Chopra: Yeah, you did.
Clara: Why did it just grab at me?
The Doctor: Semi-sentient. It thinks it knows what's good for you. You obviously needed 40 winks. Clever little sleep pod. You said it was something more than that, though.
Nagata: Come on, everyone knows.
The Doctor: Well, let's just say, for the sake of argument, that we don't. What is Morpheus?
474: Last pod. This pod. Not empty. ♪ Bom, bom, bom, bom, bom, bom... ♪
The Doctor: Oh, no. No, no. enough of that. It's almost like... someone's...
Clara: Careful! Here. Let me try.
( Pulsating buzz )
( She taps )
Clara: Hello-o? It's OK. We're not going to hurt you. Will you open up now? Come on. Let's start with names, shall we? Um, I'm Clara. This is the Doctor.
( Buzzing stops )
Clara: It's OK.
Rasmussen (O.C.): Ah, this is where I come in.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Rasmussen: Hello. I wanted to get out of there. Immediately. Of course I did. But this man...the Doctor... he wanted explanations first. So...
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Laboratory ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Morpheus Presenter (Female hologram): May the Gods look favourably upon us all! Friends. We live in a time of unparalleled prosperity. A golden age of peace, harmony and industry... But every shift must come to an end. Every working day must stop. Of course, we can take stimulants to make that deadline, to keep us propped up through that important meeting. But always, always, sleep claims us in the end. Until now!
The Doctor: Sleep-deprivation pods?
Chopra: Not exactly.
Morpheus Presenter: Welcome, Morpheus.
♪ Bom, bom, bom, bom, bom, bom... ♪
Morpheus Presenter: The Morpheus machine concentrates the whole nocturnal experience into one five-minute burst. Now, you can go a whole month without sleep!
Clara: A month?
Morpheus Presenter: All the chemical benefits of rest, but freeing up the nights to continue working, working, working! To get the edge on your competitor. To turn that extra profit.
Clara: That's insane. That's horrible!
Chopra: Finally, someone who sees it for what it is!
Morpheus Presenter: Leave the Rip Van Winkles behind and become one of the new generation of Wide-Awakes! The future is here. The future is now. Let yourself slip into... the arms of Morpheus!
The Doctor: But sleep is...
Morpheus Presenter: Terms and conditions apply.
The Doctor: Sleep is vital. Sleep is wonderful. Even I sleep.
Clara: When?!
The Doctor: Well, when you're not looking.
Rasmussen: Morpheus is mine. My invention. It's changed Triton society forever.
The Doctor: So, how does it work?
Rasmussen: The pod sends out a coded electronic signal that acts on certain parts of the brain. Changes the fundamental chemistry.
Chopra: It's disgusting! Making people into bloody drones! I've said it before...
Nagata (O.C.): Aye. You have.
Chopra: Colonising our sleep! Is nothing sacred?
Rasmussen: We spend a third of our lives asleep. And time is money.
Nagata: He's right, man! It's amazing. Everyone on Triton's using it.
The Doctor: Are they now? "Sleep, that knits up the ravelled sleeve of care. The death of each day's life, sore labour's bath. Balm of hurt minds, chief nourisher in life's great feast." Congratulations, Professor! You've revolutionised the labour market! You've conquered nature!
Rasmussen: Thank you.
The Doctor: You've also created an abomination.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Rasmussen: The Doctor said that we had to find the other soldier. And to find answers. So, we left the lab. He thought that there was some connection between my Morpheus process and those creatures that attacked us. Anyway, you'll see. He... He had a theory.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Corridor ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Nagata: "Sleep dust"?!
The Doctor: Sleep dust.
Nagata: You're kidding!
The Doctor: Do I look like I'm kidding? Is this a kidding face? Ask the crew of this station if they're kidding. Or what's left of them.
Nagata: But sleep dust?
The Doctor: Yes. The stuff in the corner of your eye. The stuff you wipe away every morning when you wake up.
Rasmussen: That's ridiculous. This is getting us nowhere.
Clara: OK, how, Doctor, how can those things be made of "sleep dust"?
The Doctor: Well, when we sleep, the mucus crust builds up in our eyes. Blood cells. Skin cells. That's what dust largely is. Human skin. But your meddling has evolved it. Hot-housed it. What used to be sleep in your eye has turned into a carnivorous life form!
Rasmussen: You can't just throw accusations like that around!
Clara: So, the longer you're in Morpheus, the more the dust builds up?
Rasmussen: That's slander!
The Doctor: Lying there in those pods, people are a ready-made food source.
Clara: Where are they, then? Where's the crew?
The Doctor: Digested.
Nagata: Come on, we need to find Deep-Ando.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Corridor ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Deep-Ando: Come on. Oh, come on. Must be an exit here somewhere. ( He pants ) Listen to me. Those things. They're everywhere. For the Gods' sake, come and get me.
( Roaring )
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Corridor ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Nagata: What about us? We've all used the pods back on Triton.
Chopra: Not all of us.
Nagata: This isn't a good time to be smug, pet.
The Doctor: My guess is that the ones you're using are pretty primitive compared to what's going on up here. These are a sort of a Mark II, yeah?
Rasmussen: Obviously, I have tried to improve the process. Speed things up.
The Doctor: You've succeeded there.
Nagata: But how does the dust become those creatures?
The Doctor: You saw what happened. The dust conglomerates. It moulds itself into a humanoid form. It's adaptable. It's clever.
( Booming moan )
( Weapons power up )
The Doctor: And it's coming for us.
Rasmussen: Look, you came to rescue the crew. I'm crew. So, rescue me!
Clara: How come you're the only one left?
Rasmussen: Because I hid. I hid in the only place I thought those monsters wouldn't find me. Look, we've got to get out of here!
The Doctor: No. We can't leave this place until there's not a trace of the dust or your machines left. Or that's it for your lot.
Nagata: Our lot? What do you mean?
The Doctor: Oh, the human race.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Storage area ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Female computer voice: Hey.
Deep-Ando: Haruka Deep-Ando, 6897. Let me in.
Female computer voice: I'd love to.
Deep-Ando: Well, do it then! My ID must be on the Corporation index.
Female computer voice: You have to do the song.
Deep-Ando: What?!
Female computer voice: You have to do the song, Deep-Ando 6897.
Deep-Ando: I haven't got time for this!
Female computer voice: Do the song, please.
Deep-Ando: What the hell are you talking about?
Female computer voice: After the Maha Shivaratri/Oshogasu/Christmas party some of the crew reprogrammed me.
Deep-Ando: They did, did they?
Female computer voice: Yes. In order to enter rooms, everyone must do the song. It's very amusing.
Deep-Ando: But you know who I am! You just called me by my name.
Female computer voice: Nevertheless...
Deep-Ando: ( sighs exasperatedly ) What song?
Female computer voice: You know the one.
Deep-Ando: I don't!
Female computer voice: Now you're just being silly. Of course you do! Silly Deep-Ando 6897. You must know the song. Everyone here knows it.
( Eerie groaning )
Deep-Ando: I'm not from this station. I'm on a rescue mission.
♪ Bom bom, bom, bom, bom, bom, bom... ♪
Deep-Ando: Morpheus?
Female computer voice: The Morpheus song!
Deep-Ando: This is insane!
Female computer voice: The song, please.
Deep-Ando: Morpheus?
Deep-Ando: ♪ Mr Sandman Bring me your dreams ♪ ♪ Make it the cutest... ♪
Deep-Ando: Haruka Deep-Ando 6897. Let me in!!
Female computer voice: More, please.
Deep-Ando: ♪ Give him two lips Like roses in... ♪
Deep-Ando: Please! Let me in! Let me in! Let me in!
( Roaring )
( He breathes heavily )
( Creature roars )
[SCENE_BREAK]
Rasmussen: He was the first of them to die. We heard the scream but... Well, we... We had our own problems.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Laboratory ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
( Rumbling )
The Doctor: What's happening?!
Nagata: Engines?
Chopra: No! It's the gravity shields! They're failing!
The Doctor: Nagata! That thing! The schematic! Give it to me!
Nagata: Who the hell do you think you are?
The Doctor: Me? I'm in charge!
Nagata: You have no authority...
The Doctor: No. But I'm in charge. I can bypass the main systems and reboot the grav-shields!
Clara: Listen to him, for God's sake! He knows what he's talking about! Doctor! Doctor, if the grav-shields are decaying...
The Doctor: Don't say it. Please don't say it!
Clara: We're being pulled towards Neptune!
Rasmussen: Oh, Gods! Oh, Gods! Oh, Gods!
The Doctor: Hang on!
Clara: Argh, this day couldn't get any worse!
( Creature roars )
The Doctor: I can do this! I can fix this!
Rasmussen: ( whimpers ) No! Please! Aaargh!
( Creature roars )
Clara: No! No!
( All pant )
The Doctor: The G-force is increasing the closer we get to the planet! Hold on! We're back online! Grav-shields fixed! We're rising! Go, let's go! Get out of here! Go, go! Out of here, come on!
Nagata: Chopra! 474! Come on!
The Doctor: Keep going, move it, move it, move it!
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Cold store ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
The Doctor: Nagata!
Nagata: No, I can't leave them! Chopra! 474! May the Gods... Where are you?!
[SCENE_BREAK]
( Weapons powering up )
[SCENE_BREAK]
Clara: Oh, God. Of all the places! A cold store. Nagata, are you OK?
Nagata: No, I'm not.
Clara: What about the others?
The Doctor: I don't know.
Clara: We have to go after them!
The Doctor: Don't be ridiculous.
Clara: Doctor!
Nagata: They're under my command! I owe it to them.
The Doctor: To die? They wouldn't thank you for that. Nor you, Clara. "To die, to die. Glamis hath murdered sleep, therefore Cawdor shall sleep no more. Macbeth shall sleep no more."
Nagata: What?
The Doctor: Shakespeare. He really knew his stuff. They all did. The Ancients. The poets. All those sad songs. All those lullabies. Sleep is essential to every sentient being in the universe. But to humans - greedy, filthy, stupid humans... it's an inconvenience to be bartered away! Well, now we know the truth. Sleep isn't just a function. It's blessed. Every night we dive deep into that inky pool. Deep into the arms of Morpheus. Every morning, we wake up and wipe the sleep from our eyes. And that keeps us safe. Safe from the monsters inside.
Nagata: Well, the bloody monsters are outside now. What do we do?!
( Clanking and thudding )
Nagata: Dead meat.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Corridor ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Chopra: Dear Gods, what are we going to do?
474: Get ship. Go home.
Chopra: We can't let those things off here! If they were to get out, to spread... It's like an infection. You don't understand, do you?
474: Sleepmen bad. Kill sleepmen.
Chopra: Yeah. That about sums it up. Chief Nagata, this is Chopra. May the Gods look favourably upon you. ( Static crackles ) Chief Nagata, this is Chopra. May the... ( Static crackles ) We'll head for the rescue ship. If we don't hear from them soon, I'm going to have to assume they're dead.
474: Then what Chopra do?
Chopra: I have no choice. I'll have to destroy this whole station.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Cold store ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Nagata: What are you doing?
The Doctor: I've hacked into your helmet cams.
Nagata: What?
The Doctor: Reviewing the footage. There's something not right here.
Nagata: We don't have helmet cams.
The Doctor: Why did it kill Rassmussen like that?
Clara: That's what they do, isn't it? Kill people?
The Doctor: But that's a direct attack. It's not how they operate. Dust grows. Consumes the host.
Clara: They evolve. You said so yourself.
The Doctor: Maybe. There's something going on here. Something we're not getting.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Corridor ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Female computer voice: Please stand clear of the pod. Dangerous materials in transit.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Cold store ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Clara: What now? We can't stay in here. We're going to freeze to death. And we can't go back out there because the Sandmen will get us.
The Doctor: "Sandmen"?
Clara: Yeah, it's a good name. It fits. Like the song. ♪ Bah, bah, bah... ♪
The Doctor: No, you don't get to name things. I'm the Doctor. I do the naming!
Clara: All right. Sorry.
The Doctor: It's like the Silurians all over again!
Clara: OK, well, what would you prefer then? The "Dustmen"?
The Doctor: Sandmen. What did you just say?
Nagata: When?
The Doctor: 1.83 minutes ago.
Nagata: I said we don't have helmet cams.
( Thudding and growling )
Clara: Doctor, that door isn't going to last much longer. So, what do we do?
The Doctor: We let them in.
Nagata: What?!
The Doctor: We let them in.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Rasmussen: Hmm. Clever, that. Clever strategy. If they'd stayed in there, they'd have frozen to death. So, the Doctor had to let the creatures in. That was his theory. Oh, I'm not dead. You've probably guessed that by now.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Corridor ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
( Creature growls )
( Clunking )
474: What happen?
Chopra: Must be damage from when we fell out of orbit.
( They cough and splutter )
Chopra: We have to go back.
( Creature roars )
Chopra: I don't know what to do. I can't save us.
474: 474 can.
Chopra: What?!
( 474 punches Chopra unconscious and carries him. )
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Cold store ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
( Creature murmurs and growls )
( He mouths silently )
Rasmussen (O.C.): The Doctor worked it out. The creatures... can't see.
( Creature growls )
Clara: Sssh!
( Clattering )
The Doctor: Run! Engine room!
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Corridor ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Chopra: What happened?
474: ( Hoarsely ) 474 help.
Chopra: What?!
474: 474...die soon.
Chopra: No, no! Don't say that! You got us through! You can survive this!
( Creatures roar )
474: Chopra go. Get ship. Chopra be safe. Chopra pretty.
Chopra: Yaaaargh!
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Engine room ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
The Doctor: You said you felt like you were being watched, Clara.
Clara: "Paranoia", you said.
The Doctor: Not this time. There is a feed. Wireless. These images are being stored by someone. Collated. Nagata, look at this footage! What's wrong with it? What's wrong with it?
Nagata: Don't know.
The Doctor: Look, there's one very obvious thing about it. Do you see it yet? No? OK. I'll tell you what's wrong. There's footage here of everyone. But what's missing in all of it? What can't you see anywhere? Not in the footage, not on this ship. Look... Really look. There are no cameras here. No CCTV. No helmet cams. So, how and why does this footage even exist? The dust has been watching us. Each little organic speck... just a tiny spy! Drifting through the air. The monsters have been with us all along. That's why the Sandmen are blind. Their visual receptors are being hijacked! But by whom, and why? And then, there's this. That's you, Clara. That's you, looking at me.
Clara: Me?
The Doctor: You went into the pod. The Morpheus process has begun.
Clara: Well...
The Doctor: There's nothing here from Chopra's point of view because he refuses to use Morpheus. But everybody else is here. Including you. You don't have a camera, Clara. But you will have by now, sleep in your eye.
Clara: OK, well, we'll fix this. You will fix this.
The Doctor: Yes. I'm sure it'll be fine. I'm sure you'll be fine.
Clara: Sure?
The Doctor: We will sort this, Clara. We'll sort you. We'll sort Nagata. And everyone back on Triton. And then we will destroy Morpheus forever.
Clara: OK then. Let's get on with it. The power's been almost entirely out since we arrived. But we've still got emergency lighting. But the engines are still on.
The Doctor: Well, there was that incident with the grav-shields, but... Ah!
Clara: What, what, what, what, what?
The Doctor: The grav-shields didn't fail. They were deliberately powered down.
Nagata: By the Sandmen?
The Doctor: Well, that's not their style, is it? It's like... It's like something's been kept here. Near the engines. Where it's hot. Like something's being... kept alive.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Corridor ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Female computer voice: Warning! Dangerous materials in transit. Human contact not advised. Warning! Dangerous materials in transit. Human contact not advised.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Engine room ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Nagata: Well, you said someone's watching. Collating images.
The Doctor: Yeah.
Nagata: Well, if it's not the Sandmen, then who is it?
The Doctor: I have an idea who. A very...nasty idea.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Docking tube ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Chopra: In the absence of any further communication with Chief Nagata and the others, I must regrettably assume them to be deceased. Under the circumstances, I'm now returning to the ship and will begin preparations to destroy Le Verrier station.
( Doors slide open )
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Rescue ship ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
( Growling )
( Weapon powers up )
Chopra: Who's there? Chief?!
( He whimpers )
( Growling )
( Screaming )
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Docking tube ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Nagata: "Rescue ship"? Why are we going to the rescue ship?
The Doctor: Because that's where he'll be.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Rescue ship ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Rasmussen (O.C.): Gagan Rassmussen. I'm Gagan Rassmussen. This is Le Verrier lab in orbit around Neptune. I've put things together into some kind of order...
The Doctor: You had that prepared well in advance, didn't you? Your statement. Your alibi. There would inevitably be questions when you got to Triton. So, you needed to get your story straight.
Rasmussen (O.C.): This is what happened.
( Clanking )
Rasmussen: You can't fight them, Doctor. There's no point. They're the future. A new life form! A better life form. That's very clear to me now. They've made me understand. And we're to be their food and that's only correct. I just needed to find a way to get them off this station, and back to Triton. And then, they'll spread. Spread everywhere.
Clara: And that's what you want?! You're helping them wipe out Humanity?
Rasmussen: Things have been made very clear to me!
Nagata: We saw you die! The Sandmen swallowed you...
The Doctor: I think the Professor has been playing a long game. Am I right?
Rasmussen: They speak to me... in my mind. Trust me, I think... But they're like children. Babies. So new. Evolving. Hungry. Always so hungry. I made them understand. We had to find a way out. And then there'd be new food sources. Unlimited. So, they spared me. And we waited.
The Doctor: You and your cargo?
Rasmussen: I got it in here while you were all distracted.
( Beeping )
Clara: What's in there? Dust?
The Doctor: It's like smuggling a jam jar full of germs through customs.
Rasmussen: No. No. More than that.
The Doctor: What do you mean?
Rasmussen: I've been working on Morpheus for a very long time, Doctor. I had to start somewhere. Morpheus's first client. Patient Zero. The ultimate Wide-Awake. Inside there... is a man who hasn't slept in five years.
The Doctor: Or what's left of him.
Rasmussen: He's the well-spring. Once we get to Triton, he will spread his spores.
Clara: But you said it was an encoded signal. Something electronic in the Morpheus process that changed the chemical reaction in the brain.
Rasmussen: That's how it started, yes. But it's changing all the time. Evolving new ways to infect. To flourish. Whole moons, whole planets, whole civilisations. They'll spread everywhere.
The Doctor: You know I can't allow that.
Rasmussen: You can't stop them. None of us can.
( Gun clacks )
( Weapon powers up )
Nagata: I wouldn't bet on that, pet.
( Beeping )
( Growling )
( Blaster shots )
Clara: Doctor! Doctor!
The Doctor: What he wants is to get that thing off this ship. We have to stop him.
Nagata: Any ideas?
The Doctor: The doors are not a problem.
Nagata: But that is!
The Doctor: We need a distraction. When I say "run", run.
( Growling )
The Doctor: Hey! Sandy!
♪ Bom, bom, bom, bom, bom... ♪
The Doctor: Run!
♪ Bom, bom, bom, bom, bom, bom, bom, bom ♪ ♪ Mr Sandman, bring me your dreams... ♪
[SCENE_BREAK]
The Doctor: Rassmussen! Turn off the engines. Shut this ship down!
Rasmussen: I can't do that, I'm afraid, Doctor. We can't fight the inevitable. Humanity's day is done.
Nagata: Yeah? Well, Humanity might have something to say about that, pet.
( Gunshot )
Rasmussen: Aargh!
Clara: No!
( He groans )
Clara: Is that your answer for everything?!
Nagata: Did you have a better one?
The Doctor: He's not the only one dead. According to this data, we're the only ones left alive on this station.
( Growling and thudding )
Nagata: Doctor... Come on, man! We've got to go!
The Doctor: This doesn't make any sense.
Clara: What?
The Doctor: A man who hasn't slept for five years...
Clara: Well, you heard what he said. That's the first Morpheus patient!
The Doctor: But the dust consumes the host.
Clara: And then they make Sandmen, they conglomerate.
The Doctor: We escaped from that cold storage room because they were blind. And why power down the grav-shields when he did? It's like this is all for effect...
Clara: Look, can we maybe have this conversation when we get off this thing?
The Doctor: .. like a story.
Nagata: Come on!
( Thudding and growling )
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Docking tube ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Nagata: How do we get off this crate?
The Doctor: Alternative transport.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Storage area ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
The Doctor: We have to get to Triton. Destroy all the Morpheus machines. End this.
Nagata: This is how we get home?
Clara: I've never been so pleased to see...
( Creatures growl )
The Doctor: Nagata!
Nagata: Doctor, quickly!
( He murmurs )
( Beeping )
Nagata: What did you just do?
The Doctor: Self-destructed the grav-shields.
Clara: What?! Urgh!
( They grunt )
The Doctor: It's working! Neptune's gravity is pulling them apart, bit by bit! Doesn't make sense. None of this makes any sense.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Rasmussen: Hello again! Thing is, you see, this message, this testament, it wasn't just my alibi. It was my plan. There are no spores. No infection. The Morpheus process remains the same. An electronic signal that affects the sleep centres of the brain. Changes them. An electronic signal that's contained in this recording. There it is. Tickles, doesn't it? I've just got time to fit this bit in and then I can finish the story. Then I'm going to transmit this footage to the whole Solar System. I do hope you've enjoyed the show. I did try to make it exciting. All those scary bits. All those death-defying scrapes, monsters, and a proper climax with a really big one at the end! Compulsive viewing. I did tell you not to watch. (Voice distorts): There's nothing left of Rassmussen any more. Only us. Only us. You will show this film to your family, won't you? And your friends. And everyone, really. Then we can all be together, dust to dust. Excuse me, you've got something... there... just in the corner of your eye.
( Fading laughter )
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Next time... ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Clara: Rigsy! Hey, what's wrong?
Rigsy: So, I have this, er... It kinda looks like a tattoo.
The Doctor: There's no nice way to say you're about to die.
Rigsy: What?!
The Doctor: I don't know who did this to you, but I do almost certainly know how to find them.
Rigsy: So, this is your life, then, bouncing around time saving people?
The Doctor: There have always been rumours, mutterings about hidden streets. Secret pockets of alien life, right here on Earth.
(O.C.): Peace on this street depends on one thing. To break it is to face the Raven.
In this job, we must always be prepared to take risks. In this job, we must always be prepared to take risks. Strike! Strike! | Plan: A: four; Q: How many people are on the rescue team? A: a space station; Q: What is Le Verrier Lab? A: the 38th century; Q: When was Le Verrier Lab built? A: assessors; Q: What do the Doctor and Clara claim to be? A: the last survivor; Q: What is Gagan Rassmussen's status on Le Verrier? A: creator; Q: What was Rassmussen's role in the Morpheus project? A: large pods; Q: What does Morpheus consist of? A: the time; Q: What does Morpheus reduce a person sleeps to allow them to work more? A: the rheum; Q: What part of the eye does Morpheus mutate? A: the corner; Q: Where in the eye does the Sandmen mutate? A: the Sandmen; Q: What is the carnivorous life form created by Morpheus called? A: the rescue ship; Q: What does Rassmussen plan to use to return to Triton? A: a Sandman; Q: What is Rassmussen revealed to be? A: spores; Q: How is Morpheus spread? A: The Doctor; Q: Who destroys the gravity shields? A: the gravity shields; Q: What did the Doctor destroy to send the station and ship into Neptune? A: a story; Q: What does the Doctor think the inconsistencies in Morpheus are like? A: the TARDIS; Q: What vehicle does the Doctor, Clara, and Nagata escape in? A: a video; Q: What did Rassmussen create to spread Morpheus? A: the Morpheus signal; Q: What did Rassmussen want to spread across the solar system? Summary: A four-person rescue team from Triton arrives at Le Verrier Lab, a space station in the 38th century in orbit around Neptune which has fallen silent. They meet the Doctor and Clara, who claim to be assessors. They then meet Gagan Rassmussen, the last survivor of Le Verrier and creator of large pods called Morpheus, which reduces the time a person sleeps to allow them to work more but also mutates the rheum in the corner of the eye into a carnivorous life form called the Sandmen. Chopra, Deep-Ando, and 474 are killed during their escape. Rassmussen plans to use the rescue ship to return to Triton and release Morpheus there with a Sandman, which he says is now spread by spores. The Doctor destroys the gravity shields, sending the station and ship into Neptune. The Doctor comments that the inconsistencies in how Morpheus is spread seems to be contrived like a story. The Doctor, Clara, and Nagata escape in the TARDIS. Rassmussen, revealed to be a Sandman himself, orchestrated the events to use footage collated from people's vision to create a video that people would watch to transmit the Morpheus signal across the solar system to create more Sandmen. |
Skyline: A helicopter rises above the buildings.
ACT 1
[Scene 1 - Frasier's apartment. Martin and Daphne are sitting at the table.]
Martin: A hell of a breakfast, Daph. I'm stuffed.
Daphne: Thanks. Now come on, let's do some exercises.
Martin: And risk a cramp? What kind of training did you get?
[Frasier enters]
Frasier: Good morning. [He sits.]
Martin: Hi, Fras.
Daphne: Morning.
Martin: Want some breakfast?
Frasier: Um, no thanks. Coffee will be fine. Hi, Daph, uh, listen. I could use an objective opinion. I am running for condo board president, and I want to know what you think of this as a
slogan: "Frasier Crane--The People's Elixir." [He beams.]
Martin: OK, I'm ready for my exercises now.
Frasier: Please, Dad, this is serious! I have a feeling this could be my year.
Daphne: Don't you say that every year.
Frasier: Yes, I do, but this year, I am the only one running against the incumbent, which means the people will rally their inchoate yearnings for change behind my banner.
Martin: Well, you're full of catchy slogans. Frasier, don't get your hopes up too high, I mean, name one person on the condo board you haven't ticked off at least once.
Frasier: That's just because I have a Type-A, hands-on, get-it-done personality.
Martin: Seriously, name one. You know, Fras, you might be the best man for the job, but a friendly smile and a "How do you do" in the hallway goes a lot further than being "The People's Laxative."
Frasier: [indignantly] Elixir! Well, I suppose you're right. I haven't really established myself as the neighborly sort. I thought that my term as fire safety captain might do the trick, but...I guess I drilled them once too often.
Daphne: [to Martin] Maybe you could give him lessons on how to be a normal person.
Frasier: I beg your pardon? Say, I've got an idea. Dad, why don't you just run?
Martin: Why would I want to do that?
Frasier: Well, because then the people would get their regular guy, but he would have my political agenda.
Daphne: I get it. Your father's the figurehead. Like Woodrow Wilson when he had that stroke and his wife secretly acted as president.
Frasier: Yes, exactly, but of course Dad would be conscious, presumably.
Martin: How did you know about that?
Daphne: I'm studying for my citizenship exam. It's about time I became am American like everyone else. [She goes to the kitchen.]
Frasier: If you were like everyone else, you wouldn't know any history. So, Dad, what do you think?
Martin: I don't know, it sounds like a big pain.
Frasier: Oh, come on, Dad. Think of the neighbors. Think of the building, the good we could do together. We can actually achieve the dream of luxury apartment living that our founders intended. Plus, I'll do all the work.
Martin: I'll tell you something I always thought we needed: wider parking spaces so the doors don't get dinged.
Frasier: All right, you do this for me, I'll make sure that gets done.
Martin: Really?
Frasier: Absolutely...Mr. President!
Martin: I like the sound of that. [They laugh.]
Frasier: Now I think I should still run against you. [He rises to exit.]
Martin: Why?
Frasier: [walking to the door] Well, if I drop out just as you announce your candidacy, people might suspect something's up. It's better that our political legerdemain remain sub rosa, hmm? How would a normal person say that, Dad?
Martin: No one needs to know how the hot dogs are made.
Frasier: This is going to be sweet.
[He exits. Fade out.]
[Scene 2 - Condo Board Conference Room Frasier is addressing the board.]
Frasier: Which brings me to my final opponent. Martin Crane. Now we're all aware that he is a decorated war hero and a much-honored police officer, but does he have the building's interests at heart? [hamming] Maybe. I simply ask that you stack up his 45 years of experience against my term as fire safety captain. Thank you. And God bless Elliot Bay Towers.
[There is very light applause. Paul, a presiding board member, rises.]
Paul: And now we'll hear from Martin Crane.
[The applause for Martin is much louder than it was for Frasier.]
Martin: Uh, thanks, uh, I'm Marty Crane, uh I just want to say that it's a privilege to run and, uh, I'll try to do the best I can. Go Seahawks!
[More loud applause follows. Frasier hams his enthusiastic applause.]
Paul: Um, here's where we hear from our third candidate, current president Jim McIntyre, but uh, last night he informed me that he was giving up condo board in order to pursue his dream of teaching English as a second language.
Frasier: [to Martin] Dream? Or court-ordered community service?
Paul: So, I guess it's time to vote.
Martin: Well, I wish we would have known that guy wasn't going to run. I wouldn't have had to spend all night working on my speech.
Frasier: Yes, plus, I would automatically be president now.
Martin: Yeah, even you couldn't lose a one-man election.
Frasier: Hmm, are you forgetting 1998?
Martin: Oh, yeah, when you lost to the dead guy.
Frasier: He wasn't dead he was in a coma. How was I supposed to compete with that?
Paul: OK, ladies and gentlemen, we have a winner. In a surprisingly close vote of fifteen to two, our new president is Martin Crane.
Frasier: Yes! I got two votes!
[Martin chuckles, somewhat embarassed. Fade out.]
[Scene 3 - The Montana apartment. Daphne is showing a woman out of the door. She and Niles are both wearing bathrobes. Niles is relaxed on a chair.]
Daphne: Bye-bye. Uh, what a great massage. It's too bad her English wasn't better. She could have told us some of her secrets.
[She sits next to him and takes his hand.]
Niles: Yes, but now we know that Urdu is the official language of heaven. I could go for a snack. Want some pâte?
Daphne: No thanks.
Niles: Some cheese?
Daphne: No.
Niles: Pâte?
Daphne: Again, no. How about some salad?
Niles: Or a fruit salad. I could throw together a little mélange.
[The doorbell rings.]
Daphne: I'll get it. A mélange sounds lovely. [She answers. It is Roz.] Roz, I thought you were going out with that man from your gym.
Roz: We didn't even make it to dinner. Here's your never-fail date purse back.
Daphne: Oh, I'm sorry. No, come on in.
Roz: Are you sure? You look like you're going to bed.
Daphne: No, we just got a massage. Come in.
Roz: [imitating Daphne's pronounciation of the word] Oh. Boy a massage sounds wonderful.
Daphne: She did the most incredible thing to my neck. Here, let me show you.
[Roz sits. Daphne massages her neck.]
Roz: Hmm. Oh, Mmm-hmm.
Daphne: So how could you tell your date wasn't meant to be?
Roz: He had the same purse. Wow, that feels so good!
Daphne: Mmm-hmm.
[Niles enters from the kitchen.]
Niles: Oh, hi Roz!
Roz: Hi!
Daphne: Poor thing had a bad date.
Niles: Oh, I'm sorry. Well, now that Daphne's helping you to relax, do you want to join us in a little mélange?
[Roz suddenly stiffens and has a very troubled, shocked look on her face. Daphne continues to massage her shoulders, and there is a pause.]
Roz: [weakly] What?
Daphne: You'll love it. Niles is amazing.
Roz: Wait, what are you saying?
Daphne: Unless you have other plans.
Roz: Well, I guess not, but...
Niles: [handing her the fruit salad] Than here you go.
Roz: [relieved] Oh. Fruit salad. Oh my God, I thought you said ménage!
[They all laugh hysterically. Roz eats the salad. Daphne stops the massage and sits.]
Niles: Well, the fruits do mix a little promiscuously.
Roz: I was thinking, "Oh my God, what are they saying?"
Niles: Rest assured, we would have offered you something more than fruit salad to get you in the mood. [They continue to laugh.]
Daphne: You know what? She didn't say no.
Niles: You're right, she didn't.
Roz: It was only because it was so weird, I didn't know what to say.
Daphne: Is that why?
Niles: I think someone has a little crush on us.
Roz: You wish.
Daphne: We know what you wish. [Niles laughs.]
Roz: Okay, Okay. Let's talk about something else. What are you guys going to do this weekend?
Niles: [sitting next to Daphne] You, if you get your way. [Niles and Daphne continue to guffaw. Roz becomes visibly irritated.]
Daphne: So, if we had have asked you, you would have said no?
Roz: Of course I would have.
Niles: I see, and what's wrong with us?
Daphne: Do you find us unattractive?
Niles: Well, what if we wore masks?
Daphne: Oh, they'd have to be Nixon and Frakenstein. That's all we've got.
Roz: All right, you guys! Stop it! I'm sorry I didn't understand your little code word for fruit salad.
Daphne: We're sorry. Here you haven't even had dinner and we're teasing you.
Niles: Oh, you haven't? I didn't know that. Let me make you something.
Roz: No, it's OK, I'm not that hungry.
Daphne: Oh, come on.
Roz: Oh, all right. I wouldn't say no to a sandwich.
[This is too much for Niles and Daphne. They cannot resist and begin to giggle again. Roz, unamused, rises indignantly to leave. Fade out.]
[Scene 4 - Frasier's apartment. Frasier is speaking on the phone. Martin is in his usual position.]
Frasier: Yes, he is doing a hell of a job, isn't he? Oh, listen, what did you think of the new plants in the lobby? Dad was particularly pleased with how they complimented the filigree in the sconces.
Martin: Don't tell people that!
Frasier: Yes, I suppose the best man did win. Bye-bye. Another satisfied constituent.
Martin: [sarcastically] Well, whoop-de-do.
[The doorbell rings. Frasier answers. It is Paul.]
Frasier: Hello.
Paul: Hi, Frasier. Hey, Marty [He rushes to Martin in admiration.]
Martin: Hey, Paul.
Paul: I just came down to congratulate you. Every president talks about getting new dryers, but you finally did something about it.
Frasier: You see, Dad. They love what you're doing for the building! Of course, the sting of losing was quite painful. But it's worth it, if we can have a laundry room that takes us into the 21st Century.
Paul: You're being a good sport about this, Frasier.
Frasier: Well, you know, public-spiritedness is the Crane code.
Martin: Right on! Uh, Paul, could you, uh...[He gestures for Paul to step out of his line of vision to the television.]
Paul: Oh, sure. Uh, hey, is it OK if I move the recycling bins down to the landing at the bottom of the stairs?
Martin: Knock yourself out.
Paul: Great, thanks. [He exits.]
[Frasier has a sudden indignant look. He glares at Martin.]
Frasier: Is this going to be a problem?
Martin: What?
Frasier: I think we need to reach a little understanding. If someone asks you a question, you look at me. If I scratch my nose [he demonstrates], it means "No." You get it? They both begin
with the same two letters: "N-O." [Martin rolls his eye in disgust.] Now if I touch my eye [again demonstrating], it means "aye," as in "yes."
Martin: Guess what you're being if I touch my ass.
Frasier: Dad?
Martin: I think I can at least take care of the no-brainer decisions myself.
Frasier: That is not how this is supposed to work.
Martin: Well, I thought how this was supposed to work was that if I agreed to do this, you would do the one thing I asked for.
Frasier: Yes, wider parking spaces, but I have five years of ideas here to implement first!
[He sits, demonstrating the papers and files he has laid out on the coffee table.]
Martin: Five years? By the time I get my parking space I'll be driving a three-wheeled scooter with an oxygen tank on the back!
Frasier: Look, even if I could fast-track it, there are feasability studies to be done. There's, um, a committee review, and then there's a bidding process. You can't just hire some guy with a can of paint.
Martin: Well, that's what I'd do.
Frasier: Well that is why you're not in charge. [Martin is taken aback at this.] Now, here's your agenda for the next meeting. Make sure you follow it to the letter!
Martin: Yes, master. [He rises and heads to the kitchen.]
Frasier: Dad, I sense you're chafing under the cruel yoke of public service. Remember, we must subordinate our own wishes for the good of the building! [Martin is out of view. Kelsey now does one of his famous Bette Davis takes.] And that is not one of our hand signals!
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Scene 5 - Conference Room. Martin is sitting at the head table, presiding.]
Martin: Next item, a study to determine the feasability of putting... something on the roof. Any volunteers?
Frasier: I volunteer. And I would like to explore the idea of putting a patio on the roof.
Martin: All right, well, that about wraps things up.
Frasier: Uh, query?
Martin: [wearily] Recognized.
Frasier: Wasn't there, uh, something else you wanted to bring up?
Martin: [looking at the agenda] Nope. Don't think so.
Frasier: Are you sure? I-I could have sworn I heard the president say something about a-a new ventilation system.
Martin: Oh, we've done enough for tonight.
Frasier: [suddenly short and angry] No, you haven't! [Everybody, including Martin, is taken aback. Frasier recovers.] I'm certain if you simply consult the agenda which you so painstakingly prepared, you will find that there is one last item.
Martin: [consulting the agenda] Oh, yeah! Here it is! Wider parking spaces
[Various calls of "Oh, that's good!" "Real good."]
Paul: Great idea, classic Marty!
Frasier: [in a warning tone] Are you sure it's not a ventilation system?
Martin: No. Wider...spaces. Those in favor of better parking? [Everyone responds "aye."] Those opposed to better parking?
Frasier: Nay!
Martin: Motion carries!
Frasier: Query!
Martin: Not recognized.
[Frasier looks up in supreme indignation.]
Paul: Marty, I'm afraid I have to interrupt. There's a delivery for you. Bring it in Mrs. Richman.
[Mrs. Richman enters, pushing a cart with a cake. This character's most famous appearance was in the elevator scene of Episode [7.23], "Something Borrowed, Someone Blue [I]."]
Richman: Here we go.
Martin: Whoa! A cake! What's the occasion?
Paul: We wanted to show you our appreciation for all the great things you've done for us.
Martin: [beaming] Wow! I never thought I'd see myself in frosting!
Paul: In the last couple of weeks, you've done more for this building than the last two presidents combined. Where did you get all these great ideas?
Martin: [smiling, but staring pointedly at Frasier] Oh, I don't know. They just come to me while I'm trying to watch TV. Why don't you make yourself useful and cut the cake, Fras?
Frasier: [with venom] My pleasure, Mr. President.
[He grabs the knife with an evil expression, and maliciously slices the cake across the point of Martin's throat in the frosting photo. Martin gets the hint and smiles back at Frasier. Fade out.]
END OF ACT I
ACT II
[Scene 6 - Frasier's apartment. Frasier is seated at the table with papers, working. Martin enters.]
Frasier: [coldly] Hello.
Martin: Oh, don't be sore. I'll get to the ventilation system eventually.
Frasier: You went back on our agreement. I'm the one who's supposed to call the shots around here.
Martin: Our agreement was that we'd get wider parking spaces, but you blew me off. As far as I'm concerned the agreement is over. [He sits at the table with some food.] Besides, I think I have a knack for this president thing. Now, I'd like to keep you on my team, but, uh, if it's too rough for you, just say the word. [He looks at some papers.]
Frasier: Well, well, well. The puppet thinks he's a real boy. [Martin smiles.] I don't think you have the skills for this job.
Martin: I have something better--people skills.
Frasier: [angrily] So do I, but these boobs and nincompoops are too stupid to see it!
Martin: Well, if you're so sure you're indispensable, maybe you should run for president. Oh, wait. You did, five times.
Frasier: They wouldn't love you so much if it weren't for my ideas!
Martin: Right, because you need a Ph. D. to think about repainting the lobby. Oh, wait. You don't.
Frasier: Would you stop doing that?
Martin: You're right. It's not an effective way to argue. Oh, wait. It is.
[Frasier begins to seethe in his chair. Fade Out.]
Check Your Seattle Guide Books for Directions
[Scene 7 - Cafe Nervosa Daphne and Niles are seated.]
Daphne: [over fade-in] Don't you just love this part of American history?
Niles: I'm not much of a Civil War buff.
Daphne: It's fascinating. Much more so than the English Civil War.
Niles: [playfully affronted] Impossible! Didn't you want to be there when Charles I unfurled his standard at Nottingham in 1642?
Daphne: Ugh. You sound like school.
Niles: Well, we'll let Frasier settle it. Which Civil War was more interesting?
Frasier: [approaching from the counter] Spanish. But I don't have time to prove it. I've got to go confront Evita Perón at the condo board meeting tonight.
Niles: Dad?
Frasier: Yes.
Niles: I thought he was doing a good job.
Frasier: Well, he was, until he started to think for himself. He's so damn popular everybody else just follows along. It's like the blind leading the blind.
Niles: Well...
Frasier: But it will not stand! As soon as he calls for new business tonight, I am going to leap to my feet and expose him for the power-mad dictator that he's become. [He hurriedly drinks his coffee.] Mm-mmm. Then I'll take over. [He rises to leave in a rush.]
Daphne: Dr. Crane! Maybe you should take it easy on your father.
Frasier: Why?!
Daphne: Because he's getting out more, having fun with other people in the building. You can't take that away from him.
Niles: You get to be a big shot all the time. This is Dad's turn in the limelight. It's good for his self-esteem.
Frasier: Why do I even talk to you people?
[He exits in a rush, passing Roz, who is entering.]
Roz: Frasier.
Frasier: Not now!
Roz: Okay! [To Niles and Daphne] Hi, can I join you guys?
Niles: Oh.
Daphne: I think someone is coming on to us.
Niles: Someone just can't leave us alone. [They giggle.]
Roz: Okay, you guys have been doing this for over two weeks. Lay off.
Niles: I thought "laying off" was exactly what you didn't want us to do!
Daphne: [cracking up] That's a good one.
Roz: It doesn't even make sense. [During this speech, her voice gradually increases in volume and the entire cafe becomes quiet as she finishes.] Listen, I don't want to have a threesome with you. I never wanted to have a threesome with you, and I will not have a threesome with you! So quit bringing it up!
[She leaves in a huff. All are staring at Daphne and Niles.]
Daphne: I think we went a little too far.
Niles: Not as far as she wanted to go. [They again begin to laugh hysterically. A bearded man in a leather jacket approaches them.]
Swinger: Excuse me.
Niles: Yes.
Swinger: I'm sorry, I couldn't help overhearing, and as a fellow non-traditional s*x enthusiast, our day will come. Here's my card.
Niles: [taking the card between two fingers, as if it were toxic] Thank you.
Swinger: [as he exits] Oh, and by the way, a bunch of us get together over at the SeaTac Hyatt second Saturday of every month. And if you want to just tape your wife with another dude, that's cool. [He exits.]
[Niles and Daphne shudder in disgust. Niles, holding the card as he would a dirty diaper, quickly drops it on the table, whereupon he immediately grabs a wet wipe and cleans his fingers. Fade out.]
[Scene 8 - Conference Room. Frasier enters, late. Martin, Paul, and Mrs. Richman are at the head table.]
Martin: Thank you, Mrs. Richman, and for anyone who needs reminding, these meetings start at 8:00, not 8:07. [He looks at his watch.]
Frasier: Noted.
Martin: Well, shall we open the floor up to new business?
Frasier: [quickly rising] Yes! Yes! Yes! It's time you people understood the real kind of pres...
[He is interrupted by a tenant, Albert. This character has appeared before, most notably in Niles's version of Episode [5.09], "Perspectives on Christmas."]
Albert: Hold it, Crane. I got real business here. Can you tell us when we're going to be able to get our cars back into the parking garage?
Martin: Oh yeah, uh, the lines should get their second coat tomorrow, and if it doesn't rain, they should be dry by the end of the week.
Albert: Uh huh, and in the meantime we have to park out on the street!
Martin: I know it's a little inconvenient, but...
Albert: Inconvenient?! I got a ticket!
Jerry: [another tenant] Yeah! My wife got towed.
Martin: But after it's done we'll have wider parking spaces.
Cecilia: [another tenant] If you make them wider, aren't we going to lose some spaces? Where are those people supposed to go?
Martin: Um, well, uh, maybe we could take turns.
[The crowd is beginning to get angry, responding with "Take turns?!, etc. Frasier begins to show some empathy toward his ambushed father in his facial expressions.]
Martin: Does everybody here need their car?
[The crowd again shouts all at once.]
Albert: Of course we need a car!
Jerry: Have you got a copy of the feasability report?
Martin: [shuffling through papers] Yeah, feasibility report, uh, yes, the, um, feasibility report.
Albert: You only have one piece of paper there.
Paul: How long will it take before we get them painted back the right way?
Jerry: And who's going to pay for all the tickets we get?
Cecilia: I had to lug my groceries three blocks!
[They continue to murmur all at once.]
Martin: Look, I'm sorry, I...
Paul: What, did you just hire a guy with a can of paint?
Martin: [feigning outrage] No!
[The crowd increases in its unrest. Martin has clearly lost control of the situation. Frasier suddenly rises.]
Frasier: People! People! If you'd just let him talk, he could explain. My father is currently in negotiations with a salvage company to remove the old boiler room, which would give us the extra spaces we need.
Paul: Where are we going to park in the meantime?
Frasier: My father has already discussed with the building next door sharing their parking spaces. Isn't that right, Dad?
Martin: [thankful for the bailout, he pretends to check the papers] Uh...Yeah, right!
Paul: We should have had more faith in you! You've had a lot of good ideas so far.
Martin: Well, actually, I've got something to tell you about those good ideas.
Frasier: Dad. [He frantically rubs his nose and shakes his head.]
Martin: All that good stuff...all the stuff you were crazy about... it all came from Frasier. [He rises and moves toward his son.] From the very beginning, he's been the one running things and I think we should give him a little credit. [He pats Frasier on the shoulder.]
Frasier: Well thank you, Dad, that's very kind of you.
Martin: In fact, uh, having me run was Frasier's idea.
Frasier: [attempting to interrupt, frantically rubbing his nose again] Dad!
Martin: [waving him off] He figured that...he figured that you'd go for his policies if they came from somebody else.
Albert: [shaking his finger] So this whole thing was a scam.
Martin: Well, I wouldn't call it a scam. It was just a fake-out.
Jerry: Frasier, how could you do your father like this?
Richman: He's always wanted to be president, but I never thought he would stoop this low!
Martin: All right, that's enough! My son is the best thing that ever happened to this condo board, but you guys are too petty to see it! Well, you people don't deserve him! And if you don't want him, you don't get me either. I resign. Come on, Fras.
[He heads for the exit.]
Frasier: Right behind you, Dad.
Jerry: Now what do we do?
Paul: Well, technically, when the president resigns, the runner-up takes power.
[In exiting, Frasier hears this and stops in the doorway. Everyone looks back at him, stunned.]
Frasier: That's right, isn't it? Well. It's not the way I would have liked it, but bylaws are bylaws. So as your president, I would like to quote a man who understands the language of the people!
[He makes an obscene gesture with his hand, which is hidden from the camera by Cecilia's head. (Well, they had to conform to prime-time network standards, after all!) He quickly exits, leaving the entire crowd shocked, offended, and beaten. Fade out.]
END OF ACT II
Credits Roz is at the counter of Cafe Nervosa talking to the waiter. The "non-traditional s*x enthusiast" approaches her from a stool, introduces himself, shakes her hand, and gives her his card. She looks at it with a sudden horrified expression and quickly exits, leaving the swinger wondering what is up. | Plan: A: Frasier; Q: Who fails to become the President of the Condo Board at Elliott Bay Towers? A: a candidate; Q: What does Frasier use Martin as? A: the strings; Q: What does Frasier secretly pull to get Martin elected? A: a verbal misunderstanding; Q: What leads Roz to think that Niles and Daphne are asking her to join them in a threesome? A: days; Q: How long does Roz have to endure teasing? Summary: When Frasier fails to become the President of the Condo Board at Elliott Bay Towers, he decides to use Martin as a candidate, while secretly pulling the strings. Meanwhile, a verbal misunderstanding leads Roz to think that Niles and Daphne are asking her to join them in a threesome, resulting in days of teasing. |
INT. KITCHEN
(Robin cooking, Ted walks in)
Future Ted VO:...learn about relationships is that you're never done getting to know someone. Everyone has secrets. Some are nice.
Ted: You know how to make crepes? That is so cool.
(Ted and Robin kiss)
INT. TED'S BEDROOM
(Robin and Ted sitting in his bed)
Future Ted VO: Some aren't as nice.
Robin: And then there was Derek and counting you, that puts the total up to...
Ted: Oh, I got your total...counting along...
INT. MACLAREN'S
(Robin, Ted, Marshall and Lily sitting at booth)
Future Ted VO: And some are just weird.
Ted: You're scared of the Seven Dwarfs?
Robin: Just Doc. He's creepy. I mean, the guy went to medical school. What's he doing living with six coal miners?
(Barney runs in)
Barney: Oh, man, I'm so excited. I couldn't sleep last night. I bet you guys couldn't either.
Robin: Why?
Barney: Ah, only the gala event for the grand opening of Sharper Image's 500th store. Didn't you get my email?
Robin: No, I blocked your address after the fourth time you sent me the video of the monkey sniffing his own butt.
Barney: Come on, it's on me! I'm buying three of you foot massagers and one of you a nose hair trimmer. You know who you are.
(Marshall looks at Lily then looks down, Lily strokes his shoulder)
Barney: Come on, let's go.
Robin: All right, I'm in.
(Robin, Ted, Marshall and Lily get up to leave)
Barney: To the Willowbrook Mall!
Ted, Marshall: To the Willowbrook Mall!
Robin: Oh, it's at a mall? I'm not going.
Ted: What? Why not?
Robin: I just don't feel like going to a mall.
Lily: We can split a cinnabun.
Robin: No, I'm really not gonna go.
Ted: Come on, it'll be fun.
Robin: No, I don't go to malls! Sorry, I just don't like malls.
Barney: Why not?
Robin: I'd rather not say.
(Barney, Lily, Marshall walk closer to Robin and talk over each other)
Ted: Guys, guys, guys, Robin doesn't like malls. If she doesn't want to tell us why, she doesn't have to. I think we should all just respect her privacy.
Robin: Thanks Ted.
INT. TED'S BEDROOM
(Ted and Robin lie in bed together)
Ted: So, what's the deal with you and malls?
Robin: You said if I didn't want to talk about it, I didn't have to.
Ted: Yeah, with those people. I'm your boyfriend. Come on, what is it? Did you get arrested in a mall?
Robin: No.
Ted: Dumped in a mall?
Robin: Ted.
Ted: Found out you were Canadian at a mall?
Robin: Let it go.
Ted: Trapped under a fake boulder at the mall? Robin: Let it go.
Ted: Mauled at the mall?
Robin: Let it go. And who gets trapped under a fake boulder at the mall? Ted: Not me in Ohio when I was nine, that's for sure.
OPENING CREDITS
INT. MACLAREN'S
(Lily, Marshall, Ted and Barney sit around booth)
Ted: What, I don't get it, why won't Robin tell me why she hates malls?
Barney: Ted, you should be happy Robin has a secret. The more you learn about a person, the better chance you have of hitting the fatal 'oh' moment.
Marshall: The 'oh' moment?
Barney: Yeah, that moment when you find out that one detail about a person that is going to be a deal breaker.
(flashback to Barney talking to a girl at the bar)
Girl #1: It's a promise ring. I made a pact with God to stay a virgin till I'm married.
Barney: Oh.
(Barney moves to leave)
(flashback of Barney talking to a different girl at a table in the bar)
Girl #2: I don't have an eating disorder. It's just when I put food in my mouth, I chew it and then I spit it out.
Barney: Oh.
(Barney gets up to leave)
(flashback of Barney talking to another girl by the jukebox)
Girl #3: I just turned 30.
Barney: Oh.
(Barney turns around a walks away)
(back to present scene)
Barney: So, trust me, you want to postpone knowing anything about each other for as long as possible.
Ted: I disagree. If there's some potential 'oh' moment, I want to know about it right away. I mean, what's the alternative?
(flash forward to Ted and Robin marriage scenario)
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife.
(Ted lifts Robin's veil)
Ted: I love you.
Robin: I used to be a dude.
(back to present scene)
Lily: Yeah, I agree with Ted. In a real relationship, you share everything. That's why Marshall and I don't keep any secrets.
Barney: You are such a cutie pie. Here's a quarter, go play something on the jukebox.
Ted: It's true. They tell each other everything.
Barney: I can think of tons of things there's no way Marshall told you
Lily: Try me.
Barney: Do you know about the time the Marshall was in Trenton?
Lily: Doggie ate his pants. Yep.
Barney: Bill's bachelor party in Memphis.
Lily: Oh, when they had to pump out all the nickels from his stomach?
Barney: OK, Seattle.
Lily: Trick question, Marshall's never been to the Pacific Northwest because he's afraid of Sasquatch.
Barney: Damn.
Marshall: I'm not afraid of Sasquatch. I just think we should all be on alert.
Ted: Trust me, not only do they tell each other everything. They want to know everything.
(flashback of Marshall and Lily sitting at table talking while Ted sits on couch watching TV in their apartment)
Marshall: So, after the shower, I was brushing my teeth, and I was like, oh man, I wanted to have some orange juice, I should have done that first, but I already had the toothpaste on the toothbrush so I just went ahead and brushed them anyway.
Lily: What happened next?
(Ted rolls his eyes)
(back to present scene) Ted: Yeah, meanwhile, Robin tells me nothing.
Barney: Fine, do you want to know what Robin's secret is?
Ted: You know?
Barney: Of course I know. She couldn't look at us. Her face got flushed. That's shame. Our friend, Robin, used to do p0rn, wait for it, ography.
Ted: Yeah, we didn't really have to wait for that. And it's ridiculous.
Lily: I don't know, he could be right. She does have the fake orgasm noises down.
Ted: Hey.
Lily: What? The walls are thin.
Ted: That's not what I'm hey-ing you about.
Marshall: You know what it might be. This is gonna sound a little crazy but what if robin's married?
Ted: Married? What does have to do with the mall?
Marshall: Well, maybe she got married at the mall. Back home in Minnesota a ton of people would get married at the Mall of America, it's great. It's a gorgeous indoor golf course for pictures. Numerous fine dining options, and talk about a reasonable price...
Lily: We're not getting married at the mall.
Marshall: Just meet with the guy.
Ted: She's not married. Robin hates marriage.
Marshall: Because she already got married, at the mall.
Lily: No, because before Robin moved to New York, she...What was she doing?
Ted: Well, I don't know, whenever I ask her about Canada, she kinda clams up.
Marshall: She's a pretty private person.
Lily: Except when she's talking about...
(flashback to Robin and Lily talking at bar)
Robin: A friend of mine in Canada got married way too young and it really turned her off to marriage.
(flashback to Lily and Robin on couch looking at wedding magazines, Marshall sits behind them in his desk studying)
Lily: What do you think of this wedding cake?
Robin: Oh, I like it. Hey, you remember that friend of mine in Canada who got married too young? Her wedding cake was a Mrs. Field's giant cookie.
(Marshall looks up and smiles widely, Lily looks at him and shakes her head)
Lily: No.
(Marshall stops smiling and resumes his studying)
(flashback to Barney, Lily, Marshall, Ted and Robin sitting around booth at MacLaren's)
Robin: My friend in Canada who got married way too young, they had to do their vows twice, once in French.
Barney: They speak French there too? God! That place is a mess.
(back to present scene)
Ted: So, you don't think there's any friend from Canada?
Marshall: Oh, I'm sure there is. Just like I have a friend who wet his bed till he was ten. Use your brain, Ted.
Barney: Guys, there's not way Robin's married. It's ludicrous to even suggest it.
Ted: Thank you Barney.
Barney: 'Cause it's p0rn.
Ted: I need another beer.
(Ted gets up and leaves booth)
Marshall: Robin is not in p0rn. I'll bet you anything that she's married.
Barney: 20,000 says it's p0rn.
Marshall: I don't have 20,000.
Barney: Well then, what do you have?
Marshall: Well.
(Marshall looks at Lily)
Lily: No.
Barney: I got it. The ultimate wager. Slap bet.
Ted: Oh, slap bet. We used to do those when I was a kid.
Lily: What the hell's a slap bet?
Marshall: Whoever's right gets to slap the other person in the face as hard as they possibly can, but no rings.
Lily: Are you really gonna do that? That's so immature. Marshall: You can be Slap Bet Commissioner.
Lily: Oh, I love it. What are my powers?
Marshall: Um, if a problem arises and we need a ruling, that's your job. Barney: But you have to be unbiased and put the integrity of slap bet above all else. This is an honor you will take with you to your grave. On your tombstone, it will read "Lily Aldrin, caring wife, loving friend, Slap Bet Commissioner."
Marshall: And your tombstone will read, "got slapped by Marshall so hard, he died."
(Ted comes back and sits down at booth)
Ted: All right, what if I ask Robin point-blank if she has a husband?
Lily: You said you would respect her privacy so maybe you should just drop it.
Ted: Yeah, you're right.
INT. APARTMENT
(Robin and Ted sit on ground around table playing Scrabble, Ted plays a word)
Ted: Husband.
Robin: There's no 'p' in husband.
Ted: Wow, you seem to know a lot about husbands.
(Robin looks at Ted)
Ted: Fine, I'll take it back.
(Ted takes back his tiles)
Ted: Oh, hey, since you mentioned husbands, this is great, you're gonna love this. Marshall, you know Marshall. He thinks that the reason you didn't wanna go to the mall the other day is because you got married in a mall and have a husband in Canada.
Robin: Huh.
Ted: I told him he's crazy because he's crazy, right? I mean, how crazy is that?
Robin: Are you asking me if I'm married? Ted: You can ask me. Nope, I'm not married. Your turn.
Robin: What happened to respecting my privacy? Ted: Just say, "no, I'm not married."
Robin: Ted, I don't understand why you can't...
Ted: Just say, "no, I'm not married."
Robin: I can't. Marshall's right. I was young and I got married. It was a mistake and he moved away, but, yeah, I'm married.
Ted: Oh.
(return from commercial break)
Ted: You have a husband? Robin: I was young and stupid and we got married at a mall and we broke up at a mall and I haven't been to a mall since.
Ted: Why didn't you get divorced?
Robin: He moved to Hong Kong for work and I was like, good enough.
Ted: Good... good enough. That's not good enough. You order pancakes and you get waffles, that's good enough.
Robin: I haven't seen him in years. It's just a part of my life I wanna forget. Just please don't tell anyone about this.
Ted: OK.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. MACLAREN'S
(Marshall slaps Barney)
Barney: Your hand is monstrous.
Marshall: Well, what did you expect? You've seen my pen1s.
(Lily, Marshall, Ted and Barney sit down at booth)
Lily: I can't believe you told us Robin's secret.
Ted: How can I keep something like that to myself? And you begged me to tell you.
Lily: No I didn't.
(flashback to '30 seconds earlier')
Lily: Please tell us, just tell us. I'm begging you. Tell us, tell us, tell us, please, please, please, please, please.
Ted: Fine, Robin's married.
Marshall: Ha ha ha.
(Marshall slaps Barney)
(back to present scene)
Lily: Yeah, well, you still shouldn't have told us. I mean, what kind of boyfriend are you?
Ted: See, that's just it. I'm not the boyfriend, I'm the mistress. No, not the mistress. The mastress. Master. What do you call it?
Barney: I'm pretty sure we're gonna call is mistress.
Ted: What am I gonna do? My girlfriend's married. Do I ask her to get a divorce?
Lily: Ted, even if she is married, it's a Canadian marriage. It's like their money or their army. Nobody takes it seriously.
Ted: It's serious to me.
Marshall: You know what, in some countries, if you've been separated for longer than five years, technicall, you're no longer married. I can check it out at the law library at school.
(Marshall laughs)
Marshall: I can see my hand print on your face.
Barney: Don't get too cocky, Slappy. I just got a shipment of p0rn from Canada I have to go through.
Marshall: I won the bet. Why are you still searching?
Barney: Just because you were right doesn't mean I'm wrong.
Lily: Oh, right, like you need an excuse to watch p0rn.
Barney: Canadian p0rn. Trust me when I tell you their universal health care system doesn't cover breast implants. If I have to sit through one more flat-chested Nova Scotian riding a Mountie on the back of a Zamboni, I'll go "oat" of my mind.
INT. APARTMENT
(Marshall enters through front door, Ted working at his drafting table)
Ted: Hey.
Marshall: Hey. Listen, dude, I gotta talk to you, but you gotta promise me that you won't tell Barney.
Ted: Fine, I won't tell Barney. What is it?
Marshall: Robin's not married.
Ted: What? Then, why would she tell me she was?
Marshall: I don't know but I cross-checked every record in Canada. There's no record of her ever being married.
Ted: There must be some mistake.
Marshall: I promise you, she's not married. She's not great at parking legally either.
Ted: So, she lied to me? What, what am I gonna do? I can't confront her 'cause then she'll know I told you.
Marshall: You gotta lawyer her. You gotta ask her a bunch of questions, try to trip her up, maybe make her feel guilty, whatever it takes to get a confession out of her.
(Ted and Robin in apartment talking)
Ted: Thanks for telling me your secret. It means so much to me that you could be so, what's the word I'm looking for, honest.
Robin: Thanks Ted.
Ted: Yeah, you know what's probably the best part about your honesty? How truthful it is.
Robin: I say we just move on.
Ted: In order for me to get total closure on this whole my-girlfriend-has-a-husband thing, I think I'm gonna need a little bit more information. Like, what month did you get married? Robin: June. We had a June wedding.
Ted: Ah, Canada in June. That's great.
Ted: Sit down or buffet.
Robin: Um...
Ted: Whoa. It's weird that you don't remember.
Robin: No, I just didn't know how to answer because we did butlered hors deouvres in the atrium, but the actual dinner was a buffet in the food court featuring a filet mignon or roasted potato-crusted salmon with a lobster scallion ber blanc.
Ted: Hm. Band of DJ?
Robin: String quartet played at the ceremony, but for the actual reception we had a seven-piece band. We paid extra for the sax 'cause I just love that smooth alto sound.
Ted: How many bridesmaids? Robin: Seven.
Ted: Flowers? Robin: Azaleas.
Ted: Color scheme?
Robin: Dusty rose and sienna.
Ted: Husband's name?
Robin: Um.
Ted: You were never married.
Robin: Yes I was.
Ted: No you weren't.
Robin: How do you know?
Ted: I looked it up at the library.
Robin: What library?
Ted: The one on 5th.
Robin: When did you go?
Ted: Today at lunch. And I had a an apple brie panini with potato salad....
Robin: I'm not questioning the lunch part, Ted. What database did you use?
Ted: I used the Canadian Mall Marriage 6000.
(Robin looks at Ted) Ted: Fine, Marshall looked it up in school.
Robin: You told Marshall?
Ted: You lied to me!
Robin: See, this is why I don't tell people secrets. You were supposed to be the one person I trusted the most and even you couldn't keep a secret.
Ted: But it was a fake secret.
Robin: Yeah, I was testing you and you failed, and now you're never gonna know why I never go to the mall. And it's good too.
Ted: Testing me, that's insane.
Robin: Oh yeah, how long did it take for you to tell Marshall my biggest secret in the world?
Ted: That wasn't a real secret.
Robin: Yeah, but it could have been.
Ted: You are driving me crazy. No wonder your fake husband moved to Hong Kong.
Robin: He moved there for business.
INT. MACLAREN'S
(Lily and Marshall sit at booth, Barney walks up to them)
Barney: You, you got something to say to me?
Marshall: What are you talking about? Barney: I know Robin was never really married.
Marshall: How could you possibly know that?
(Barney looks over at Lily, Lily squirms in her seat)
(flashback of Lily and Marshall talking in bed) Lily: And then I put on my pajamas and got into bed. What about you?
Marshall: Uh, let's see. Uh, first, I took the subway to school, and I got a bagel. Then I went to the library and found out Robin was never married. Crazy. And then I was hungry again so I went down to the vending machine...
(Lily looks away slowly looking disturbed)
(back to present scene)
Marshall: You told him? Lily: I had to. I'm Slap Bet Commissioner. Baby, this hurts me more than it's gonna hurt you.
Barney: Don't count on it. I've been practicing on a tree trunk.
Lily: Barney gets three slaps.
Marshall: Three?
Lily: One because you lied. And two for being prematurely slapped. Three slaps.
(Barney slaps Marshall three times in quick succession, Marshall looks like he's going to cry)
Barney: Oh my God. Are you gonna cry? Marshall: No. You're gonna cry.
INT. APARTMENT
(Ted and Robin talking)
Ted: I just don't think it's healthy to keep big secrets in a relationship. My parents didn't really talk to each other for thirty years and now they're divorced.
Robin: I have shared more of myself with you than I have ever shared with anyone. I'm asking for this one secret, which has nothing to do with us, to just be mine.
(front door opens, Barney, Lily and Marshall run in)
Barney: So I just got a very interesting phone call.
Ted: What are you talking about?
Barney: I know Robin's secret.
Robin: What?
Barney: That's right, I know your secret, Robin. Or should I say Robin Sparkles? Robin: How do you know that name? Barney: 'Cause I know the truth. And I am about to show it to you right now.
(Barney sits down at table and opens laptop)
Barney: Gather around, Ted, you're gonna wanna see this.
Ted: Yeah. No I don't.
(Ted closes laptop)
Barney: What?
Ted: Robin wants to keep this a secret so it's gonna stay a secret.
Barney: Yeah, it's not gonna stay a secret. You see, in my research, I came upon a certain gentleman in Malaysia who is in possession of a certain video tape. He just emailed me that it will be up and running on MySpace in about, right now!
(Barney opens up laptop)
Barney: Robin's world is about to be turned upside-down. I mean, I'm guessing.
Robin: Barney, don't, okay.
Barney: Robin, please don't panic. I'm only going to show enough to prove to Marshall that I was right.
Ted: No, Barney, I said we're not watching this.
(Ted closes laptop)
Robin: No, it's time. Look, I appreciate what you're trying to do but if it's out there, there's no point in trying to hide it anymore. Let's just watch it and be done with it.
(Barney opens laptop)
Lily: Are you as terrified as I am?
Marshall: I don't wanna get slapped again.
Robin: I wanna stress that I was young.
Barney: Yeah you were.
Robin: And I didn't know any better.
Barney: They never do.
Robin: And it started out as an innocent modeling job.
Barney: It always does.
(video plays on laptop showing Robin Sparkles dressed as a school girl in a classroom with a teacher)
Robin Sparkles: Please, Mr. Johnson, I'm sorry I was a bad girl. Please don't give me detention. Isn't there something I can do to make it up to you?
(Robin Sparkles bites her lip)
(Barney stops video)
Ted: Oh my God.
Barney: Well, obviously, I've been proven right, so in the interest of Robin's dignity, I won't show anymore. Plus, it's getting late. It's already slap o'clock.
(Barney slaps Marshall)
Robin: What the hell was that?
Ted: I slap bet Marshall that you did p0rn, so I win.
Robin: p0rn? I wish it was p0rn, it would be less embarrassing.
(Robin plays video)
Robin Sparkles: I know, how about I sing you a song!
(Robin Sparkles starts skipping)
(Ted, Barney, Lily and Marshall look at the laptop with mouths agape, video keeps playing while everyone watches and makes comments)
Robin Sparkles: Let's go the mall everybody! Come on, Jessica. Come on, Tori.
Robin: I was a teenage pop star in Canada.
Robin Sparkles: Put on your jelly bracelets and your cool graffiti coat. At the mall, having fun is what it's all about.
Lily: This is the most amazing thing I've ever seen.
Marshall: That's you?
Robin: Yes. I had one minor hit. I had to go all over Canada and sing this song in malls. For a whole year I lived off of Orange Juliuses and Wetzel's Pretzels.
Robin Sparkles: Everybody come and play. Throw every last care away. Let's go to the mall, today.
Marshall: This is the 90's. Why does it look like 1986?
Robin: The 80's didn't come to Canada till like '93.
Marshall: Taking a break from the first of many viewings, I can't help but notice that this isn't p0rn.
Lily: And yet a slap occurred without the permission of the Slap Bet Commissioner.
Marshall: Looks like someone suffered from premature slapulation
Ted: Oh my God, Robin's rapping. Guys, Robin's rapping.
Robin Sparkles: Went to the mall with a couple of friends. Had a whole week's allowance to spend.
Lily: OK, I'm going to give you a choice. Either ten slaps right now in a row or five slaps that can be doled at any point from here to eternity.
Marshall, Ted: Cool.
Ted: Go with the 10 now.
Robin: No, wait, why get 10 when you can get 5?
Ted: Yeah, but the constant fear of knowing that at any moment you can get slapped in the face would drive you crazy.
Barney: I'm gonna go with the five for eternity.
Robin: Good call.
Ted: Horrible call.
(Marshall reaches over and Barney flinches)
Marshall: Relax, dude, I'm just going for my soda, man. Take it easy. This is gonna be fun.
Robin Sparkles: Let's go to the mall today! Everybody loves the mall
Lily: So, just to be clear, you wanted everybody to go to the mall today?
Barney: Wow, we're gonna watch this a lot. Robin: I even wore a bedazzled jean jacket.
Ted: Hey, just so you know, 16-year-old me would have been all over you. You could have been the girlfriend in Canada I told everyone I had. Hey, I'm really sorry I pried this out of you. I probably should have left it alone.
Robin: You know what, you know me better now. That feels kinda nice.
(Ted and Robin kiss)
Lily, Marshall, Barney: Aw.
(Marshall slaps Barney)
Marshall: That's one.
Robin Sparkles: Everybody come and play. Throw every last care away. Let's go to the mall, today!
Barney: Did you have to laugh like that every time? Robin: Yes.
Robin Sparkles: There's this boy I like. Met him at the food court. He's got hair like Gretzky and he does jumps on his skateboard. I hope he asks me out. Take me to my favorite spot. It'll be just him and me.
Robot: But don't forget the robot.
Marshall: The robot! Hey!
(Marshall and Robin high-five)
Robin Sparkles: But, baby, I don't wanna wait.
Ted: No, she doesn't wanna wait.
Robin Sparkles: I'm gonna rock your body anyway. I'm going to rock your body 'til Canada Day. Everybody, come and play. Throw every last care away. Let's go to the mall, today! Today, today, today, today. Let's go to the mall (today). Let's go to the mall (today)... | Plan: A: Barney; Q: Who uncovers Robin's secret past? A: malls; Q: What does Robin have a strong aversion to? A: Marshall; Q: Who does Barney make a bet with? Summary: Barney uncovers Robin's secret past and the real reason behind her strong aversion to malls, which leads Barney and Marshall to make a bet. |
[Scene: A ghost town. A car pulls up. Phoebe and Victor get out. He puts his arm around her and they start walking.]
Phoebe: Alright, dad, spill it. What are we doing here?
Victor: What, can't a father spend a little quality time with his daughter? Especially after all the time we've been apart.
Phoebe: Alright, I take after you, okay. I've inherited all of your tricks, especially your fine art of fibbing.
Victor: I don't know what you're talking about. Tell me a little bit more about this Leo fellow anyway. How did he and Piper meet?
Phoebe: Oh, it was a couple of years ago at the house. He was our handyman.
Victor: Piper's marrying a handyman?
Phoebe: Well, no, he isn't really a handyman. Wait, you do know...
Victor: All I know is he's a nice enough guy who seems to know the big bad secret. Trust me, it's a lot better for a mortal to know he's marrying a witch before the wedding instead of after. Wish I had.
Phoebe: Mortal. Right.
(Phoebe hears a noise coming from one of the buildings. She looks around. Tumbleweed rolls past and a door slams shut.)
Victor: What?
Phoebe: It's nothing. I guess that's why they call it a ghost town, huh?
Victor: What do you mean? Did you actually see something?
Phoebe: What do you mean?
Victor: I mean, like a premonition, or whatever you call it. Alright, I confess. I brought you here hoping maybe you could give me a little bit of your help. I just didn't know how to ask.
Phoebe: Magical help? Dad...
Victor: Well, this place seemed like such a good investment. Too good, actually. Made me think that all the stories were true.
Phoebe: I'm biting. What stories?
Victor: Ghost stories. Something's been keeping people from investing and razing this place for over a hundred years.
Phoebe: So, what, you want me to do a little supernatural inspection?
Victor: Well, yeah. I thought you could do a little Feng Shui on the place and maybe see if there's anything going on.
Phoebe: Okay, first of all, I don't do Feng Shui, and secondly, I can't always get a premonition when I want to. (She hears another noise.) Okay, now I definitely heard that.
Victor: Heard what?
(She hears a glass bottle being smashed.)
Phoebe: Okay, you didn't hear that?
(Suddenly, a cowboy (Bo) gets thrown out of a saloon. Another cowboy walks out.)
Cowboy: You're a dead man, Bo.
Phoebe: Can you see them?
Victor: See who?
Phoebe: (to cowboys) Hey! Hey, what's going on?
Cowboy: Nobody crosses Mr. Sutter.
(The cowboy hits Bo in the face. He flies back right through Phoebe. He runs off and the cowboy shoots at him. They disappear.)
Victor: Phoebe? Phoebe, what's going on? Sweetheart, you're bleeding.
Phoebe: I wouldn't buy this place, dad. Really, really bad Feng Shui.
(She touches her bleeding lip with a handkerchief. A crow squawks near by.)
Opening Credits
[Scene: Manor. Living room. Piper has set the table. Prue comes in.]
Prue: Uh, wait a minute. We have one too many place settings.
Piper: No we don't.
Prue: Okay, uh, you, me, Leo, Phoebe, dad. That's five, we have six.
Piper: So?
Prue: So who is the sixth for?
Piper: Mmm, maybe, um, mum. What? It's my wedding. At least she could be here in spirit, if nothing else.
Prue: Yes, she can be.
(Prue gives her a little hug. Leo orbs in.)
Leo: Wow, looks great. When do we eat?
Piper: Leo, can't you see we're having a sister moment?
Leo: Oh, sorry. Do you want me to go?
Piper: No, I want you to help. This is your rehearsal dinner too, you know.
Prue: So, Leo, you nervous? I mean, only one more week before dum, dum, dum-dum.
Piper: Thanks.
Leo: Well, as long as no demons come bursting through that door, until them, I am fine.
Victor: (from outside) Prue! Piper!
(Victor and Phoebe walk through the front door.)
Piper: (to Leo) You had to jinx it.
Prue: Hey. Phoebe, what happened?
Phoebe: Oh, it's nothing, I'm fine. I just need an aspirin.
Piper: Dad?!
Victor: I don't know what happened. One minute we're just walking around, the next thing I know she's bleeding.
Phoebe: I got into a bar brawl. Well, actually, I didn't. Two cowboys did. Bo and some other guy. I didn't catch his name, but I think he was the bad guy, 'cause he was wearing a black hat. Oh, and they were transparent.
Piper: She must have hit her head.
Prue: Uh-huh.
Victor: Sweetheart, I never would have taken you there if I had any idea.
Phoebe: It's fine, dad. Really, don't worry about it.
Leo: Here, let me take care of that.
(Leo holds out his healing hand but Phoebe stops him.)
Phoebe: No, I'm alright. Dad, why don't you go to the porch and get those town files. You know, maybe there's something in them that can help us.
Victor: Alright.
(He goes outside.)
Phoebe: Dad doesn't know that Leo is a Whitelighter.
Prue, Leo: What?
Piper: Well, I've been meaning to tell him, but considering mum had an affair with her Whitelighter, I didn't think he'd be really receptive to the idea.
Leo: Piper, he's gonna kill me when he finds out.
Piper: Oh, don't be ridiculous, you're already dead.
(Victor comes back in carrying a box of files.)
Victor: Just a lot of investment stuff and background info. I don't see how it's gonna help you find out what happened.
Phoebe: Well, you're the one that called it a ghost town, and since Bo fell through me and I ended up with the same split lip that he had.
Prue: Sounds like a ghost to me.
Leo: It can't be. Ghosts don't bleed.
Piper: Ahem.
Leo: I mean, so I've read in books. Obviously it's not my area of expertise.
Victor: Mine, neither. What do you say we let the supernatural stuff to the pros and go grab a bite?
Leo: I don't know, Mr. Bennett.
Prue: Oh.
(Prue and Piper smile. Prue pats Leo on his back.)
Victor: Victor, please. It's time you called me Victor, son. Come on.
Phoebe: I'm fine. Go ahead.
(Victor and Leo head outside.)
Piper: Great, now I'm dead.
Prue: Alright, why don't we just focus on Phoebe and try and figure out what happened.
Phoebe: I'll get the book.
Piper: I'll get it and maybe a drink.
Phoebe: Ow.
[Cut to a restaurant. Leo and Victor are sitting at a table. A very nervous Leo is gulping down a glass of water.]
Victor: So, Phoebe says you're a handyman.
Leo: Oh? Uh, actually, no. I'm a, I'm a doctor. I mean, not a doctor doctor, per se. More of, like, a counselor doctor. I guide people.
Victor: You make good money?
Leo: Uh, honestly, no. It's more of a calling.
Victor: Leo, I think it's time to come clean.
Leo: You do?
Victor: Yeah. I need to talk to you about something man to man.
Leo: Man to man?
Victor: Well, from one mortal to another. Leo, it's not easy being married to a witch.
Leo: No.
Victor: That's why my marriage to Piper's mother didn't work out. It wasn't because I didn't love her, it was because I wasn't prepared for what was to come.
Leo: Well, I think I'm prepared, sir... I mean, Victor.
Victor: Don't get me wrong, Leo. I want this marriage to succeed. That's why I'm warning you. But there are dangers out there worse than demons and warlocks. You do know about them, don't you?
Leo: Well, yeah, sure.
Victor: Well, the dangers I'm talking about, you're not even gonna see coming. The thing I'm talking about will just sneak up on you and destroy your marriage if you're not careful. Leo, do you know what a Whitelighter is?
Leo: Uh...
[Cut back to the manor. Prue, Piper and Phoebe are in the living room. Piper's looking through the Book of Shadows. Phoebe's lying on the couch. She pulls up the bottom of her blouse to reveal a big bruise.]
Phoebe: Whoa.
Prue: What?
Phoebe: Look, I have a huge bruise. (Prue touches it gently.) Ow.
Prue: Oh. Alright, well, you must have gotten that the same way that you got the split lip from Bo.
Phoebe: I don't get it. He gets beat up and I get his symptoms? How is that possible?
Piper: I wish I knew what I was looking for. I mean, if they're not ghosts, then what are they?
Prue: Well, whatever it is, it's got something to do with the history of that town. You said that they were dressed like cowboys, right?
Phoebe: Yeah, real cowboys right out of the Old West. Uh, the outlaw said something to Bo about a guy named Sutter. Look him up. Maybe he's a demon.
Prue: Wait a minute.
Piper: Did you find something?
Prue: It's more of what I'm not finding. Alright, nothing is dated past April 25th, 1873. The maps, the land grants, death certificates. It's almost like time just stopped.
Piper: What do you mean stopped? Like, everybody just died?
Prue: No, like stopped moving forward, literally. It wouldn't be the first time we've come across a time loop.
Phoebe: Nah, we vanquished that demon.
Piper: Wait a minute. (Piper turns to a Time Loop page in the Book.) Well, maybe it's not a demon. Maybe it's a curse. "Certain spiritual traditions believe that a great evil or great injustice can be cursed into a time loop until righted."
Phoebe: So that is probably why this is happening to me. Our job is to right the wrong.
Prue: Yeah, well, we better do it before your symptoms get any worse. (The doorbell rings.) I'll get that.
(Prue gets up and answers the door. Cole stands there holding a bunch of flowers. He looks unshaven. He walks into the foyer.)
Cole: Hey, Prue, long time. Is Phoebe home?
(Prue uses her power on him and he flies across the room, landing on a small table. Phoebe and Piper jump up from the couch.)
Phoebe: What the... Cole, what...?
(Phoebe goes over to him. Cole stands back up.)
Cole: Phoebe, hi. Oh, phew. (He shows her the flowers.) These are for you. (She pushes them away.)
Prue: What the hell are you doing here? Do you have some kind of death wish?
Cole: I told Phoebe last week that I wasn't giving up on her and I, I meant it.
Piper: You talked to Phoebe? He talked to you?
Cole: Uh-huh.
Prue: You said that he was alive. You never said that he was back.
Phoebe: It didn't matter because as I told him, I don't want anything to do with him anymore.
Prue: Oh, well, in that case.
(Prue goes to use her power on him but Piper stops her.)
Piper: Hey, hey, hey! I just set that table. We don't have time to buy a new one before dinner.
Cole: I'm not gonna use my powers against you anyway. In fact, I'm never gonna use them again, ever. It keeps me from being evil.
Prue: No, you will always be evil, you're a demon.
Cole: Half-demon. My human half can suppress it if... Phoebe, you're hurt. What happened?
Phoebe: You know what, Cole? It's none of your business. So, why don't you do yourself a favor and just get...
(Phoebe has a premonition. In it, the cowboy shoots Bo. Bo throws a knife at the cowboy and he falls to the ground. The premonition ends.)
Piper: Phoebe?
(Phoebe falls and Prue and Piper catch her.)
Prue: Phoebe, what happened?
(Phoebe lifts her hand. It is covered in blood.)
Phoebe: I think I've been shot.
(Prue and Piper look at Cole as Phoebe lays there in pain.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Scene: Restaurant. Leo and Victor are still there.]
Victor: The thing ism they can orb into their charges' lives any time of the day or night... (He pauses as a waitress tops up his coffee.) Without us mortals even knowing about it. You can't trust the Whitelighters, Leo. They're sneaky little bastards.
Leo: Really? 'Cause Piper says that they're really, really good guys. More of, like, guardian angels.
Victor: That's the party line, Leo, but don't believe it. You can't trust 'em. They have this tendency to fall in love with their charges. Before you know it, they've stolen your wife. The girls' mother, Patty? She fell for her Whitelighter.
Leo: Oh, I thought that happened after you two separated?
Victor: Oh, he was putting the moves on her long before we split up, believe me. Anyway, you know, we never had a chance to get back together because of him. And, um, you know, then she died. Look, my point is, if you wanna...
(The Elders call Leo.)
Leo: Uh-oh.
Victor: What?
Leo: I have to go now.
Victor: Go?
Leo: Yeah, and I don't think you're gonna like the way I have to go, either.
(Leo orbs out. Victor sits there in shock.)
[Cut to the manor. Leo orbs in.]
Leo: What the hell are you doing here?
Prue: Forget about him, Leo. Phoebe's been shot.
Leo: Shot? How did that happen?
Prue: There's no time to explain. Can you heal her?
(Leo starts to heal her.)
Piper: Where's dad?
Leo: Seething probably.
(Leo continues to try and heal her but it doesn't work.)
Cole: What's the matter, Leo? Why isn't it working?
Leo: I don't know. Phoebe, you gotta tell me exactly how this happened.
Phoebe: Um, I don't, I don't really know. I had a-a premonition and I felt Bo get shot and then I came out of it.
Prue: Leo, can you heal her?
Leo: No, because Phoebe wasn't the one that was shot. Bo was.
Piper: What are you talking about? She's bleeding.
Leo: I know, but it's more like a psychic echo. Phoebe is linked to Bo somehow. Whatever he feels, whatever happens to him happens to her.
Cole: Which means Bo must be magical too. The only way they can be linked is through their magic.
Leo: I agree.
Cole: We have to find Bo. Heal him. It's the only way.
Piper: Well, he's been cursed into a time loop along with the rest of the town. And we don't know how to get there, let alone where there is.
Cole: Well, it's gotta be a parallel plane existing in the same physical space as the town.
Prue: You know, I don't think that we need any demonic input right now.
Cole: If I can help save Phoebe's life, you sure as hell do.
Leo: We're listening.
Cole: Look, I move through different planes all the time. It's how I've been hiding from the Source. Shouldn't be any problem to shimmer into Bo's plane and bring him back here so you can heal him.
Piper: You said you don't use your powers anymore.
Cole: Shimmering isn't a lethal power.
Phoebe: Uh, why don't you just take Leo with you and you can heal Bo there?
Leo: I can't. I'm not allowed to work with a demon.
Prue: Fine. I'll go.
Piper: Prue.
Prue: I'm not gonna leave this up to him.
Piper: Well, okay, what if something goes wrong and you get stuck in the time loop and you don't get back before midnight?
Prue: It's not the time loop I'm worried about. Look, why don't you and Leo go to the town, see if you can find anything there to help break the curse. (to Phoebe) You? You hang in there, okay?
Phoebe: Play nice, you two.
Cole: Gotta hold my hand.
Prue: This already sucks.
(Prue holds his hand and they shimmer out. Victor storms in.)
Victor: Leo! You lying little piece of--
(Piper quickly stands in front of Leo.)
Piper: Okay, dad, not now. Stay with Phoebe. We'll be back.
(Leo holds Piper and they orb out.)
Victor: Wha-?
Phoebe: Well, don't get mad at me, I've been shot.
[Cut to the ghost town in 1873. Cole and Prue shimmer in.]
Prue: Oh, wow, it worked.
Cole: You doubted me?
Prue: Yeah, well, for all I know you were gonna take me... Whoa! Aah! (They hear a gunshot and Cole pins Prue against a wall of a building.) Okay.
Cole: Welcome to the Wild, Wild West.
Prue: Alright, just-just so we're clear, I'm in charge here. You're just my ride.
Cole: Fine with me. What's your plan?
Prue: Find Bo, lay low.
Cole: That's a plan?
Prue: Yeah. You got a better one?
(Cole looks her up and down.)
Cole: Maybe, but first I think we better find something a little less conspicuous to wear.
(Prue pushes him away.)
Prue: Fine. Agreed. Any ideas?
(A couple of cowboys carry a dead cowboy out of a building.)
Cole: Yeah. Nothing you're gonna like though.
[Time lapse. Prue and Cole walk into a saloon wearing cowboy clothes.]
Cole: Still think you should have worn that pretty, little red dress drying on the line.
Prue: Yeah, it was a prostitute's dress. Not exactly the kind of impression I wanted to make. At least I'm not wearing some dead guy's clothes.
Cole: Hey, I thought you'd be pleased. At least I'm playing the role of a good guy.
Prue: Yeah, right. Alright, just fact-finding. No getting involved.
(They walk up to the bar.)
Bartender: What'll it be?
Prue: Hi. Moonshine.
Bartener: A what?
Cole: She means Whiskey. Make it two. Leave the bottle. (to Prue) You watch too many old movies.
Prue: And you'd be confusing me with Phoebe.
Cole: Not a chance.
Bartender: Passing through?
Cole: Maybe.
Bartender: Maybe if you're not, you ought to consider it. Things are getting pretty dangerous around here. Friendly advice. Wet your whistle, get back on your horses, and move on as fast as you can.
Prue: Hi. What am I? A potted plant? Talk to me. What's so dangerous?
Bartender: It's nothing to concern your pretty little head about.
Prue: Okay, now that's condescending.
Cole: Lay low, remember?
Prue: Fine.
Cole: You were saying?
Bartender: There's some trouble between a powerful man in town...
Prue: Sutter?
Bartender: How do you know about Sutter?
Prue: This pretty little head knows a lot. So, why don't you talk to both of us now? Tell us what's going on.
Bartender: One of Sutter's men just got killed and now there's gonna be hell to pay.
(Three cowboys walk in the saloon. Everyone turns to look. Sutter walks in behind them.)
Sutter: Where is he? Just so you know, I've already taken the liberty to print up the evening edition. (Sutter holds up a newspaper with the headline "Half-breed to Die at Sundown".) Just so you know how serious this is. All the news that's fit to print. (He turns to Isabel, Bo's sister.) You know where your little brother's hiding, now don't you?
Isabel: Even if I did, I'd never tell you. I'm not afraid of you, Mr. Sutter.
Sutter: Well, if you were smart, you'd be. Of course your kind are not, are they?
(Prue starts to go over but Cole stops her.)
Cole: Hold it. Plan is not to get involved.
(Sutter turns to Cal.)
Cal: I haven't seen Bo, Mr. Sutter, I swear. Not since he took off.
Sutter: You know, you lie to me again, Cal, and I'll do worse than this.
(He holds up a whip. A cowboy stabs Cal's hand with a knife. Prue rushes over and pushes the cowboy away. She takes off her scarf and wraps it around Cal's hand.)
Prue: What the hell is wrong with you people?
Sutter: Well, well, well. What do we got here?
Cole: Uh, Prue?
Sutter: Lady, I don't know who you are or where you come from but you obviously don't have the slightest idea who you're dealing with.
Prue: Oh, please, what a cliché.
(The cowboy stands up.)
Cowboy: I usually don't hit women, but seeing your dressed like a man, I imagine I can make an exception.
(Prue blocks his punch and smashes a whiskey bottle over his head. Prue gets out her gun and shoots at the cowboy's rifle, making it fly out of his hand. Cole pulls out a rifle and aims is at the men.)
Cole: Don't.
Sutter: No, we'll deal with these two later, after we take out Bo.
Cowboy: This ain't over. You and me, we got a score to settle.
Sutter: One of you know where he's at. And if you don't tell me, I'm gonna burn this town to the ground looking for him.
(They leave.)
Cole: So much for laying low.
Prue: Yeah.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Scene: Saloon. Prue, Cole and Isabel walk outside.]
Isabel: Sutter's in tight with the railroads. He came here a couple of months ago promising to bring the tracks through and make it more than just an old mining town.
Prue: In exchange for what?
Isabel: A piece of everything. The mines, the bank, the newspaper. When folks started resisting, his boys took over. At first everybody stood up to them, but after they killed the sheriff. Cowards.
Cole: Why's Sutter after your brother?
Isabel: Because Bo wouldn't back down. He kept on fighting, trying to get everybody to take back the town.
Cole: Sounds like a brave man.
Isabel: He is. Too bad the others aren't.
Prue: Isabel, we know that Bo is injured. We know that he's been shot. We can help you, but you have to trust us.
Isabel: I do. Bo said you'd come.
Cole: How's that again?
Isabel: Bo, he saw it in one of his dreams. He said that two strangers would come, so, um, I knew.
Prue: Alright, so wait a second. Bo has dreams about the future?
Isabel: Yeah. He has a gift. He inherited it from our father, who was a great medicine man. His name was Soaring Crow.
Prue: Was?
Isabel: He died when we were young. When we moved here, my mother wouldn't allow Bo to talk about his gift. She knew that magic was considered evil in the white man's world.
Prue: Yeah, I know what it's like to have a gift that you have to keep a secret.
Cole: And live in a place where you have to hide half of who you are.
Isabel: Come. I'll take you to Bo. Come.
(They walk over to three horses.)
Cole: Where'd you get the horses?
Isabel: I told you. I was expecting you.
Cole: You know, I still say we eliminate the threat first, kill Sutter. Probably break the curse anyway.
(They get on the horses.)
Prue: Yeah, well, we don't know that, which is why we need to get to Bo first. You know, Cole, if you want to try your hand at being good, your first instinct shouldn't be to kill.
(They ride off. Cal gets on his horse and follows.)
[Scene: Ghost town in the present. Piper and Leo are there looking around.]
Piper: I don't know what we're supposed to be looking for. Yuck.
Leo: Well, we gotta keep looking, find something that might help us break the curse.
Piper: Like what? There's nothing here but spiders, lizards, and that stupid old crow.
Leo: Oh, come on, let's keep looking. After all, we got a rehearsal dinner to get back to.
Piper: There's not gonna be a rehearsal dinner or a wedding if we don't find a way to save Phoebe.
(The crow lands on the saloon.)
Leo: What is it?
Piper: Phoebe said Bo got into a fight in a bar, right? So that would be the saloon.
Leo: Makes sense. It's a western.
Piper: So it's always the saloon.
(They walk into the saloon. Piper goes behind the bar. Leo looks at a bottle.)
Leo: Hankins Nerve Tonic, calms raw nerves. Think I should bring a bottle back for your dad?
Piper: I don't think that'll do it. There's nothing, there's nothing here. Great brainstorm, huh?
Leo: Actually, I think it was. Look.
(Piper picks up an old newspaper.)
Piper: "Half-breed to die at sundown"?
Leo: On that same date, 1873. Read who's gonna die.
Piper: Bo Light Feather.
Leo: We've got to find a way to warn Prue and Cole that they don't have until midnight.
Piper: Which means neither does Phoebe.
[Cut to the manor. Phoebe is lying on the couch. Victor brings her a glass of water.]
Victor: Here you go. Drink up. (She drinks the water.) What is it?
Phoebe: It's nothing.
Victor: Hey, I didn't come back into your lives just to be kept in the dark. I'm your dad, you can tell me anything.
(She starts to shake.)
Phoebe: I'm dying.
Victor: Oh, come on.
Phoebe: No, I can feel what's happening to me. It's like a... something that you can feel deep inside of you. I-I can't explain it.
Victor: You're sisters are not gonna let that happen, I am not gonna let that happen.
(Leo and Piper orb in.)
Piper: How is she?
Victor: She's gonna be fine.
Piper: Okay, we have to hurry. We found out Bo dies at sundown, except I don't think Prue knows that.
Leo: But we have an idea how to let her know. Phoebe, if you're getting visions from Bo, maybe he can get one from you.
Phoebe: I don't understand.
Piper: Phoebe, if you can will yourself to get a premonition about Bo's death, he might be able to see it too, and then he can tell Prue and Cole that they don't have as much time as they think they do.
Victor: But I thought you said you couldn't always get premonitions when you wanted.
Phoebe: I can't.
Piper: You can try.
(Piper hands Phoebe the newspaper and Phoebe holds it against herself.)
[Scene: 1873. Cole and Prue are following Isabel to Bo's hideout.]
Cole: Any idea what we should say to him?
Prue: We're not gonna say anything. I'll do the talking.
Cole: You know, it wouldn't kill you to be nice to me.
Prue: Really. It's funny you should say that, considering how many times you actually tried to kill me.
Cole: That's all in the past, Prue.
Prue: Right. After all this is done, you need to leave us alone. Otherwise, we'll have to do to you what we should have done in the first place, which is vanquish you.
Cole: Then that's what you're gonna have to do because it's the only way you're gonna keep me away from Phoebe.
(Isabel turns to Prue and Cole.)
Isabel: Are you guys ready to go in? Uh, something wrong?
Prue: No, nothing that I can't handle.
(They walk into the small building. It looks like an old church. Bo is lying in the corner. He is holding a cloth against his wound.)
Isabel: He's very weak. I tried to pull the bullet out but it's in too deep. Bo. Bo. How are you doing?
Bo: What's the matter with you? Who the hell are they?
Isabel: It's okay. They've come to help.
Prue: Just like in your vision, remember?
Bo: I don't know what you're talking about.
Isabel: Bo, I told them.
Bo: Too much apparently. We don't need your help. Just leave now.
Prue: Bo, my sister gets visions too, and she had one of you getting shot, alright? We're here to help you.
Cole: And help her.
(Bo pulls out a knife.)
Bo: It's a trick. Sutter sent you. I know he did.
Isabel: No, they stood up to Sutter. You should have seen it.
Bo: Just get out of here!
Cole: We're not going anywhere.
Bo: I know that look. Sutter's got it too. You're evil. I can sense it.
Prue: Alright, then just look at me. You can't say the same thing about me can you? Bo, this isn't just about you, alright? My sister will die too. This whole town will if you don't let us help you.
Isabel: They think that something Sutter is going to do will trigger a curse. The kind that father used to speak about.
Prue: If we show you that we have gifts too, will you trust us then? (to Cole) Show him.
Cole: Show him what?
Prue: You're gift. Show him your gift.
(Cole shimmers out and then shimmers back in.)
[Cut to Sutter. He breaks a bottle with his whip. Three cowboys walk in.]
Sutter: This better be good.
Cowboy: We couldn't find him, boss.
Sutter: Now you listen to me and you listen real good. Bo's giving the townsfolk ideas and I don't want 'em getting ideas.
Cowboy #2: No one knows where he's at and if they do, they ain't talking.
Sutter: Well, you make 'em talk. This town is mine and it's gonna stay mine. When that railroad comes through, and mark my words it will, I'm selling this land, and that land's gonna be worth more than any of you three are capable of imagining. (Cal walks in.) You better have something useful to tell me, Cal.
Cal: I know where Bo is hiding.
Sutter: Finally. Someone knows what's good for him.
[Cut back to the church. Prue takes off her gloves.]
Prue: Alright, the first thing that we need to do is to get that bullet out of you. (She kneels down beside him.) Uh, this is gonna hurt.
(Prue takes the cloth off of his wound. She uses her power to remove the bullet. Bo and Phoebe yell in pain. They receive a premonition of Sutter whipping Bo. Isabel is being restrained. Sutter then shoots Bo. The premonition ends.)
Bo: I believe you.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Scene: Manor. Living room. Phoebe is crying hysterically. Piper is trying to calm her down.]
Piper: It's okay, you're okay. Take a deep breath.
Phoebe: I saw what they're gonna do to Bo. It was horrible!
Leo: Do you think he saw it too?
Phoebe: I know he did. I felt him. Nobody did anything. They didn't help him. Nobody did anything.
Victor: So what do we do now?
Leo: There's nothing else we can do but wait. It's up to Prue and Cole.
Victor: And you call yourself their guardian angel? What the hell good is a Whitelighter if all you can do is stand there and watch my daughter die?
Phoebe: Dad, please.
Piper: You're not helping.
Victor: And he is? Why don't you do something? Isn't that your job?
Leo: I am doing something, I am trusting your other daughter Prue. You know, I know that you feel helpless. We all do. But Prue is not gonna let Phoebe die and neither is Cole.
Victor: Oh, so now I'm supposed to trust a demon?
Leo: You know, as much as I hate to say this, Cole loves Phoebe. He took a huge risk to come here and try and prove himself to her and he will do whatever it takes to save her life.
Phoebe: He's right.
Victor: How can you be so sure?
Phoebe: Because he loves me as much as I love him.
[Cut back to the church. Sutter and his men are riding up to it.]
[Cut inside. Prue does something to her gun.]
Isabel: You learn fast.
Prue: Thanks. I have a few gifts too.
(Cole looks out the window.)
Cole: Sutter's men just showed up. We better get Bo out of here.
Isabel: What? How did they find us?
Cole: We must have been followed. I'll shimmer him back to Leo, then come back for you two.
Prue: No.
Cole: What do you mean, no? He dies, Phoebe dies.
Prue: Taking Bo out of here will not break the time loop.
Cole: It'll save Phoebe.
Prue: Yeah, well, there's more than just Phoebe's life on the line here, Cole. We have to break the curse by sundown, otherwise this entire town is doomed to repeat the same day over and over again.
Cole: Are you seriously telling me you're willing to sacrifice your sister's life for a town full of cowboys?
Prue: What I'm saying to you is that there's a great good at stake here, one that I can't just walk away from and one that you shouldn't walk away from if you truly expect to be good.
Man: We know you're in there, Bo. Come out with your hands up and nobody gets hurt. What's it gonna be, Bo?
Cole: Alright, how do we break the curse?
Prue: I don't know, but I do know that it hinges on keeping Bo alive.
Bo: No, it doesn't. The curse isn't about me or about Sutter. It's about them. The townspeople who stood there and watched me die. The only way is for me to give myself up.
Isabel: No.
Bo: It's okay, Isabel. Have faith.
Cole: And they'll kill you.
Bo: Maybe. This curse came from my father's people. I understand that now. It's meant to heal, to teach the townspeople to act without shame. I have to give them that chance.
Prue: Helping them to save you saves themselves.
(Bo opens the door and white doves fly out. He raises his hands.)
[Time lapse. Sutter's men are riding their horses through the town with Bo being dragged behind. They stop and a man takes Bo to Sutter.]
Sutter: I want you all to see what happens when people cross me.
(Sutter pushes Bo on the ground. Cole, Prue and Isabel arrive.)
Isabel: No! No!
Prue: Don't! He knows what he's doing.
(Bo stands back up and Sutter starts to whip him. Phoebe feels it too.)
Sutter: What's the matter, boy? You too stupid to scream? I want you to beg for mercy.
(Sutter continues to whip Bo.)
Prue: (to the townspeople) What are you people doing? Look at him. He has the courage to fight Sutter for all of you. You can just stand there and watch him die. You have to do something! You can take him down!
Cole: Sutter can't take all of you out. You need to do what's right!
Prue: You cannot just stand by and let this happen. Stand up to him! Don't be scared.
Sutter: Nobody crosses me.
(Sutter gets out his gun and points it at Bo. The bartender shoots Sutter's gun out of his hand.)
Bartender: I think you just oughta leave Bo alone, Sutter.
Sutter: You just signed your own death certificate.
(Cal points his gun at Sutter.)
Cal: If you wanna kill Bo, you're gonna have to kill me too.
(The townspeople all point their guns at Sutter. Isabel runs over to Bo.)
Isabel: Are you okay? (Sutter grabs Isabel by the hair.) Aah!
Sutter: Anybody comes after me and she's dead.
Cole: (to Prue) Now can we do something?
Prue: Oh, yeah. (Sutter lets go of Isabel, jumps on his horse and rides off. Everyone chases him. Prue gets on a horse and follows him. She shoots at him and he falls off the horse. He tries to run away but Prue shoots him in the chest. She gets off the horse and uses her power on him. He flies into the sheriff's office. Bo and Isabel catch up to Prue.) I don't think Sutter's gonna be a problem anymore.
Bo: What about the curse?
Prue: It's a beautiful sunset isn't it? I don't think there's been one quite like it in 128 years.
(They hear a gunshot.)
[Cut to the saloon. Cole and the cowboy are there. Cole goes to shoot at the cowboy but is out of bullets.]
Cowboy: Looks like you're outta bullets. I'm gonna enjoy this. See you in hell.
Cole: Been there, done that.
(The cowboy pulls out his gun and Cole throws a lightning ball at him. Prue walks in. Cole laughs at the cowboy. He turns around and sees Prue standing there.)
Prue: Like I said, once a demon always a demon.
(Prue walks back out. Cole throws his hat on the ground.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Scene: Manor. Living room. Piper, Phoebe, Leo and Victor are waiting for Prue and Cole.]
Victor: So where are they?
Leo: I don't know, unless they didn't make it out.
Piper: Don't even say it, don't even think it.
(Cole and Prue shimmer in. Cole has his arm around her. She quickly pushes it away from her.)
Prue: Eew!
Piper: Finally.
Victor: What took you so long? We've been worried sick.
Cole: Sorry, we had a few, uh, loose ends to tie up.
Prue: (to Phoebe) Are you okay?
Phoebe: I'm great. Thank you. Both of you.
Leo: And the time loop?
Prue: Broken. They will never have to live through that horror again.
Victor: So then, um, where are they?
Prue: I don't know. Probably living out their lives in a parallel plane, I guess.
Leo: You don't think about it too much, Victor. It'd just give you a headache.
Piper: Okay, um, anybody up to a rehearsal dinner?
Phoebe: Absolutely. I'm starving.
(Everyone heads for the dining room.)
Cole: Well, I guess I should be going.
Prue: Yeah, that would probably be a good idea.
(Phoebe walks over to Cole.)
Phoebe: You're not going anywhere.
Cole: Phoebe, I don't want to cause any trouble.
(Phoebe kisses him. Everyone looks away.)
Phoebe: You're staying and that's that.
Piper: Alright then, shall we?
Cole: Yeah.
(They go into the dining room. A crow lands on the window sill outside.) | Plan: A: a deserted old ghost town; Q: Where did Phoebe visit with her father? A: Phoebe; Q: Who is caught in a time loop of the ghost town? A: visions; Q: What does Phoebe have of an American-Indian getting beaten up by a local thug? A: the same injuries; Q: What does Phoebe start receiving as the man she sees getting beaten up? A: Piper; Q: Who is Prue's friend? A: the help; Q: What does Cole provide to Prue? A: the loop; Q: What must Prue and Cole break to save Phoebe? Summary: After visiting a deserted old ghost town with her father, Phoebe begins to have visions of an American-Indian getting beaten up by a local thug and soon starts receiving the same injuries as the man. When Prue and Piper realize that Phoebe is caught up in a time loop of that town, Prue has to go there and with the help of Cole, save Phoebe and the man before the thug kills them and break the loop. |
THE FACE OF EVIL
BY: CHRIS BOUCHER
Part Two
Running time: 24:58
[SCENE_BREAK]
LEELA: What happened? You must be able to remember.
DOCTOR: Well, of course I can remember. I'm trying to. Perhaps I was on another part of the planet.
LEELA: There is no other part. Only beyond the Wall.
DOCTOR: Beyond the Wall. I wonder.
LEELA: What?
DOCTOR: Shush, shush, shush. I'm wondering. Back to the village.
LEELA: We can't!
DOCTOR: Why not?
LEELA: We'll be torn to pieces!
DOCTOR: Not if they don't catch us, we won't. Anyway, they'll be preparing for their battle.
LEELA: That's what you said last time.
DOCTOR: Well, you can't expect perfection, you know. Not even from me.
LEELA: (silent) Oh, you.
[SCENE_BREAK]
ANDOR: The men refuse to attack while the Evil One is out there.
NEEVA: I have been thinking. We tell them it has been destroyed.
ANDOR: No! I will not lie to my people.
NEEVA: The Wall will be open for a very short time. We dare not delay. We must attack now, or you betray our god.
ANDOR: Has Xoanon commanded this?
NEEVA: He has.
ANDOR: Guard, sound the call.
ANDOR: You had better be right, Neeva, because servant of Xoanon or not, if we fail, I will kill you.
NEEVA: Xoanon has promised us victory.
ANDOR: No. He has promised you. And you have promised us.
[SCENE_BREAK]
DOCTOR: (quietly) I must examine those relics.
LEELA: (quietly) The village was dangerous enough, but the shrine of Xoanon?
[SCENE_BREAK]
NEEVA: Speak to me, Xoanon, that I may know your will. Speak, Xoanon. Speak.
WARRIOR (OOV.): Shaman Neeva! It's time to leave!
NEEVA: I'm coming.
WARRIOR: Andor asks that you do not delay.
NEEVA: I said I'm coming!
[SCENE_BREAK]
DOCTOR: I like the hat. Very fetching.
LEELA: That was the Hand of Xoanon.
DOCTOR: That was an armoured space glove, or what was left of one.
[SCENE_BREAK]
ANDOR: The attack must begin at once.
NEEVA: Xoanon has spoken. We shall not fail.
[SCENE_BREAK]
DOCTOR: It's all clear.
DOCTOR: Amazing. You know, I had a feeling, I had a feeling that Neeva was actually expecting to hear an answer to his prayer.
LEELA: There wouldn't be much point in praying if he didn't.
DOCTOR: I could quote you a few theologians who'd give you an argument on that. He was listening.
DOCTOR: Hello? Intergalactic Operator? Hello? Over? Dead as a Dalek. There must be something.
LEELA: Why did you talk to that tube?
DOCTOR: I thought I recognised it.
XOANON (OOV.): Neeva.
XOANON: Neeva!
DOCTOR: Poor old Neeva. Hotline to god. Psst. Don't be afraid. It's only a machine for sending voices over long distances. That may be Xoanon speaking, but it's not God. Gods don't use transceivers.
LEELA: Are you certain?
DOCTOR: Aren't you?
LEELA: Yes.
DOCTOR: That's better.
XOANON (OOV.): Neeva. Neeva.
DOCTOR: I'm sorry, Neeva isn't here at the moment. Could I take a message? Over.
XOANON (OOV.): At last we are here. At last. At last. Us.
DOCTOR: Us?
XOANON (OOV.): You. Me. Us. We. At last I shall be free of us.
DOCTOR: Who are you?
XOANON (OOV.): Don't I know?
DOCTOR: Leela, I have a feeling. Something nasty. Something I did. It seems like it.
LEELA: What are you talking about?
DOCTOR: Who did that voice remind you of?
LEELA: You. It was your voice. How could that be?
DOCTOR: More to the point, who could that be? I must take a look at the Wall.
[SCENE_BREAK]
DOCTOR: It's a time barrier.
LEELA: I don't understand.
DOCTOR: The principle's really quite simple. You just move everything forward a couple of seconds inside it. You get a barrier that's impervious to all energy. A true void. I've seen it done as a parlour trick, but never on this scale.
LEELA: Isn't there any way to get through it?
DOCTOR: Not unless whoever set it up deliberately bridged it.
LEELA: So that means Andor and the others
DOCTOR: Are walking into a trap, yes.
LEELA: Isn't there any way we can warn them?
DOCTOR: It's too late. Anyway, they wouldn't listen.
LEELA: Caleb might. Let's try.
[SCENE_BREAK]
ANDOR: Attack!
ANDOR: Come on, attack!
TOMAS: Attack!
ALL: Attack! Attack!
NEEVA: Xoanon, protect your warriors and strengthen their arms, that they may free you.
TOMAS: Attack!
[SCENE_BREAK]
LEELA: Someone's coming.
DOCTOR: Hello, Caleb. I was just thinking about you.
CALEB: So Neeva and Andor were lying.
DOCTOR: I wouldn't be surprised.
CALEB: Where's Leela?
LEELA: Behind you.
CALEB: Ah.
DOCTOR: How was the battle?
CALEB: Just as the old ones remembered the last time. The Wall closed up.
LEELA: A massacre?
CALEB: More than half the men were killed, and we never even saw the Tesh.
LEELA: You seem unhurt.
CALEB: There's no virtue in dying, Leela.
LEELA: That rather depends on what you do to avoid it.
DOCTOR: Leela, put the knife away. I'm sure he's a reasonable man.
CALEB: Thank you. So what do you want of me?
LEELA: We need someone's help.
DOCTOR: Leela seems to think it might be yours.
LEELA: The tribe is in desperate danger, Caleb. The Doctor can help. He's the only one who can. But we must convince the others he's not the Evil One.
DOCTOR: Having first of all, of course, convinced you.
CALEB: I don't think you're the Evil One, and never have. I don't believe in ghosts.
DOCTOR: I'm impressed. Perhaps Leela's right about you.
CALEB: But if I'm to help, I need to know everything.
DOCTOR: There isn't much time. You see, Leela and I found an impenetrable barrier
CALEB: Janis thorn. Something you haven't thought of. Now stay where you are.
DOCTOR: I thought you were too easily convinced.
CALEB: I meant it. You're certainly not the Evil One, but the others think you are. Neeva said you'd been destroyed. You're just the evidence I need to break him.
DOCTOR: She underestimated your ambition.
CALEB: It's for the good of the tribe.
DOCTOR: Of course. This too.
CALEB: She would have opposed me. I said stay where you are!
DOCTOR: You need me alive, remember?
TOMAS: Caleb, you held back! You cost us the attack!
DOCTOR: Come in. Who are you?
TOMAS: Tomas. Leela! What have you done to her?
DOCTOR: He poisoned her with a Janis thorn. Up!
CALEB: You've broken my leg.
DOCTOR: I'll break your nose if you don't get up. Now pick her up, both of you.
CALEB: It takes skill to use one of those.
DOCTOR: What, at this range? No, all it needs is a flick of the wrist. Pick her up.
DOCTOR: And move.
[SCENE_BREAK]
DOCTOR: Gently.
CALEB: Now what are you going to do?
DOCTOR: Tomas, you don't want her to die, do you?
TOMAS: No, of course not.
DOCTOR: Then cover him. I need time to work.
DOCTOR: This is a bioanalyser, rattlesnake. I can identify the poison and programme the medikit to make an antitoxin.
TOMAS: Back against the wall.
CALEB: I'm going to give the alarm.
TOMAS: Back against the wall!
CALEB: Oh, don't be a fool, Tomas!
CALEB: What do you suppose he's doing, Tomas? You don't really think that's going to help Leela, poking around in Neeva's relics?
DOCTOR: Shut up, rattlesnake. I'm trying to save time. Leela hasn't got much left.
TOMAS: I think she's dead.
DOCTOR: Got it!
TOMAS: He's gone!
DOCTOR: Watch the door.
LEELA: Doctor?
DOCTOR: Are you all right?
LEELA: The Janis thorn. There's no cure.
DOCTOR: Yes, there is. Just a matter of finding one.
LEELA: Do you know the answer to everything?
DOCTOR: Yes. Well, no, no. Answers are easy. It's asking the right questions that is hard.
TOMAS: They're coming.
DOCTOR: Can you move?
LEELA: I think so. My arm hurts a bit.
DOCTOR: Tomas, take her out of the back way.
LEELA: I'm staying with you.
DOCTOR: You're going with Tomas. I'll meet you both later. Go.
[SCENE_BREAK]
DOCTOR: Good evening, gentlemen. You know, I never thought you'd get here. Good heavens, look at that.
DOCTOR: Now then, down to business. I'm beginning to think you don't like me. Ah, Neeva. Is it really you? They told me you were dead. Or was it the other way round?
[SCENE_BREAK]
ANDOR: So Caleb was right. Both of you in league with the Evil One.
TOMAS: You blind, blind fool, Andor.
[SCENE_BREAK]
WARRIOR: You lied to us!
MAN: Come on, Neeva, tell them your mistake.
ANDOR: Silence! Be silent!
WARRIOR: You said it was destroyed!
NEEVA: Did it not bring the witch, its servant, to life? I tell you it was destroyed, but not totally, so it renewed itself.
DOCTOR: Ha! If you can believe that, you can believe anything. I'll tell you once again. I am not the Evil One.
ANDOR: But it was you, you who wiped out the attack.
DOCTOR: Oh, flapdoodle! I was nowhere near it.
LEELA: That's true. I was with him all the time.
NEEVA: Pah! Would you believe a witch?
DOCTOR: The attack failed because it was a trap from the start.
NEEVA: And who would have set such a trap?
LEELA: Xoanon!
TOMAS: Oh, that was a great mistake.
NEEVA: They must all be totally destroyed. Throw them to the Horda!
DOCTOR: What do you mean, throw them? What is a Horda, anyway?
CALEB: No, wait! I do not believe he is the Evil One.
LEELA: Conscience?
DOCTOR: No, politics. He's trying to break Neeva's hold on the tribe.
CALEB: If he can be killed, then he is not the Evil One, because the Evil One is a god.
DOCTOR: Good point. Fifteen love.
NEEVA: The litany says it can be destroyed.
DOCTOR: Fifteen all.
CALEB: I say we should put it to the test and see if he speaks truly.
ANDOR: But the test is for mortals.
CALEB: If he can be killed then he is a mortal!
DOCTOR: Game, set and match to Caleb, I think.
[SCENE_BREAK]
DOCTOR: So that's a Horda. Well, it doesn't look to formidable. What do I do, fight it or eat it?
CALEB: They'll strike at anything that moves, except each other. Ten of these can strip the flesh from a man's arm almost before he can cry out.
DOCTOR: I take it there are more than ten in there.
ANDOR: The pit is full of them.
DOCTOR: Ah.
CALEB: You stand on that.
DOCTOR: And then what?
CALEB: You must break the rope.
LEELA: Doctor, the rope gets thinner the further it goes, but it gets faster too.
DOCTOR: What? The rope gets thinner the further it goes
LEELA: Faster.
DOCTOR: But it gets faster too. The rope gets thinner the further it goes
WARRIOR: Silence. He does it alone.
DOCTOR: Who is that man?
CALEB: Which man?
DOCTOR: That man.
DOCTOR: Sorry about that. Shall we get on with it?
DOCTOR: Well?
CALEB: Let the test begin.
MAN 2: Stop!
DOCTOR: Very good, Doctor. Very good. Well, are you convinced now? Leela, that was very nice of you to try and help me, but really there was absolutely no need. Would you just release our friend, please?
LEELA: Where did you learn to shoot like that?
DOCTOR: Shoot like what? Oh, like that. In Switzerland. Charming man. William Tell, he was called. Well?
CALEB: Untie him.
DOCTOR: Good.
[SCENE_BREAK]
XOANON 2 (OOV.): Neeva. Neeva, where is he? Doctor? Doctor, are you there?
DOCTOR: Yes, I'm here, Xoanon.
XOANON (OOV.): Ah, good. Good. We have decided
XOANON 2 (OOV.): To destroy you.
DOCTOR: I see, Xoanon. Why don't we get together and talk things over?
XOANON: We are together. We have said all there is to say and know all there is to know.
DOCTOR: Now we don't want to do anything hasty, do we?
XOANON: Hasty? It's been
XOANON 2: An eternity. I'm turning off the boundary to let in my pets from beyond. Goodbye, Doctor.
NEEVA: What does it all mean?
DOCTOR: It means trouble. Large, deadly and invisible.
[SCENE_BREAK]
DOCTOR: Screwdriver.
TOMAS: We've set the guards round the perimeter.
LEELA: Everyone knows what to expect.
DOCTOR: Good. Did you explain about their attraction to vibrations?
LEELA: Of course.
DOCTOR: You know, we're very lucky they carried these things. Let's hope we can profit from the misfortunes of those travellers.
LEELA: I don't understand.
DOCTOR: I mean the planetary survey teams. That's where your tribe got its name from. Sevateem, survey team. The question is, were you here before them?
CALEB: Are we their captors or their children?
DOCTOR: You catch on quickly. Certainly they never returned to base.
CALEB: Is the weapon ready?
DOCTOR: Why, are you taking charge here?
CALEB: Do you object?
LEELA: I object.
CALEB: Leela, I don't expect you to like me.
LEELA: Then you won't be disappointed.
DOCTOR: Tomas, take this.
TOMAS: How does it work?
DOCTOR: You just point it and press it. It's destructive up to about twenty times bow range. Short bursts, Tomas. It's self-regenerating but it takes time to recharge.
TOMAS: Thank you, Doctor.
[SCENE_BREAK]
DOCTOR: There. That should keep Xoanon's creatures on their side of the perimeter. Now, you and I have got to get inside that time barrier and soon.
LEELA: According to the old ones, the tribe has had seven attempts at that.
DOCTOR: I could build a time bridge myself, but that would mean dismantling the TARDIS and then it mightn't work.
LEELA: Doctor.
DOCTOR: Yes.
LEELA: You know you said nothing could get within that barrier?
DOCTOR: Yes.
LEELA: Not light or anything.
DOCTOR: No.
LEELA: But Xoanon is inside it.
DOCTOR: Yes.
LEELA: How do we hear his voice?
DOCTOR: Well, it's quite simple. We. You're a genius. A genius.
LEELA: What did I say?
[SCENE_BREAK]
DOCTOR: Come on, Neeva. Neeva! Come on, snap out of it, man.
NEEVA: Yes, lord. What is your will?
DOCTOR: Neeva.
DOCTOR: Neeva, when you hear the voice of Xoanon, is it when you're at the altar, or when the vestment is hanging in its frame?
NEEVA: Yes, master.
DOCTOR: Have you heard it anywhere else?
NEEVA: Yes, master.
DOCTOR: Where?
NEEVA: Yes, master.
DOCTOR: Neeva! Neeva! This is Xoanon.
DOCTOR: Where have you heard my voice?
NEEVA: Only here, lord, in your shrine.
DOCTOR: You've been a good and faithful servant, Neeva. Go back to sleep now.
DOCTOR: It is a tight beam transmission. There's a bridge over the time barrier and I know where it is.
LEELA: What happened to him?
DOCTOR: Too much too quickly.
DOCTOR: This time I have to admit defeat.
LEELA: (quietly) Doctor.
DOCTOR: (quietly) Shush. Xoanon.
[SCENE_BREAK]
LEELA: The fools.
DOCTOR: They must have panicked.
LEELA: That'll attract the creatures.
DOCTOR: Yes. Come on, we haven't got much time.
[SCENE_BREAK]
ANDOR: Idiot, you'll attract more of them!
WARRIOR: Something killed Korus. I saw it, over there.
[SCENE_BREAK]
DOCTOR: The nose could be a shade more aquiline, and the noble proportion of the brow hasn't been perfectly executed. Still, we mustn't complain. We live in an imperfect universe.
LEELA: Where's the bridge through the barrier? Up the nose?
DOCTOR: No, it isn't! Up the nose. It's over the teeth and down the throat.
[SCENE_BREAK]
ANDOR: Tomas. Tomas! I think I can hear something.
TOMAS: Andor! Come back!
[SCENE_BREAK]
DOCTOR: Odd feeling.
LEELA: What is?
DOCTOR: Standing in my own throat is.
LEELA: What is it?
[SCENE_BREAK]
TOMAS: Andor, look out!
TOMAS: Andor.
ANDOR: Xoanon, save me! | Plan: A: protestations; Q: What did the Doctor do against being the Evil One? A: mounting evidence; Q: What points to the Doctor's prior involvement with Leela's people? A: their distant past; Q: Where did the Doctor make an error in judgment that puts them all in danger? A: immediate jeopardy; Q: What does the Doctor's past involvement with Leela's people put them all in? Summary: Despite protestations against being the Evil One, mounting evidence points to the Doctor's prior involvement with Leela's people, and an error in judgment he once made in their distant past that puts them all in immediate jeopardy. |
Teleplay by: Tracy Reilly
Story by: Robert Carlock
Produced by: Robert Carlock & Wendy Knoller Final check by Kim
[Scene: Chandler and Monica's apartment. They are having a diner party with Phoebe and Mike.]
Mike: (raising his glass) Thank you guys for having us over.
Phoebe: Oh! Yeah, this is fun, couples night.
Chandler: Yeah, I don't know why we hang out with married couples more often.
Monica: Well, because every time we do, you make jokes about swinging and scare them away.
Chandler: You mean that Portuguese couple? Yeah, like you wouldn't have done it. (she shrugs)
Ross: (entering) Hey, you guys... I have great news.
Monica: Ross, we're kind of in the middle of diner here.
Ross: Oh, well, er, I already ate, but sure...! (they all look at each other when Ross grabs a plate) Guess what happened at work today...
Chandler: A dinosaur died a million years ago?
Ross: Try sixty-five million years ago, and then try sssshhhhhh.... My tenure review board met today and I hear it's looking really good.
Phoebe: Wow!
Ross: Yeah. Do you have any idea what this means in academic circles, uh? I am gonna get laid.
Rachel: (while entering) Hi you guys.
All: Hey.
Rachel: Ooh, Italian! (she also grabs a plate)
Monica: No one wanted seconds, right?
Ross: No, no. I-I'm good.
Rachel: Hey you guys... You're never gonna believe it. This headhunter called me. I have a meeting tomorrow with Gucci. Gucci wants me.
Ross: I'm up for tenure.
Rachel: Congratulations!
Ross: You too! What are the odds?
Rachel: Ooh! (they hug)
Joey: (enters) Guess what? (they all look expectantly at him) I finally got that seed out of my teeth.
Monica: I don't know who I'm happiest for...
Phoebe: I do, he's been working on that all day! (looking at Joey)
OPENING CREDITS
[Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe, Monica and Chandler on their couch.]
Phoebe: Hey Mon? Was it weird changing your name to Geller-Bing?
Monica: No, no. It felt nice to acknowledge this. (pats Chandler on his leg)
Phoebe: Where did you go to do it?
Monica: Uhm the... the ministry... of names... bureau...
Chandler: YOU NEVER DID IT!
Monica: I'm sorry. It's just the idea of being an official Bing.
Chandler: Hey! I will have you know that... aah, who am I kidding. Let's call the kid Geller and let Bing die with me.
Mike: (walks to the couch with coffee for Phoebe) Here you go.
Phoebe: Thanks! Honey, would you want me to take your name?
Mike: Oh, it's just... It's up to you. It's your name. You've got to live with it.
Phoebe: All right, let's see, call me mrs Hannigan.
Chandler: Mrs Hannigan?
Phoebe: What? Can't you see I'm in the middle of something? Ooh, I like it.
Joey: (enters) Hey guys.
Chandler: Hey Joe! We've got a couple of things we've got to check out at the new house. You want to come with us?
Joey: No, thank you.
Monica: All right. I know you're not happy about us moving, but you're the only one who hasn't seen the house.
Chandler: Yeah, come with us. You'll see how close it is to the city.
Joey: But no, it's not close. You said it was in escrow? I couldn't even find it on the map.
Monica: Joey, please come. It would mean so much to us.
Joey: You know what? You are my friends, I wanna be supportive, I will come with you. SHOTGUN!
Chandler: Damn it.
Monica: See you guys later.
Phoebe: Okay!
Monica: (to Joey) I'll pick you up at eleven. So glad you're coming.
Phoebe: Good for you. That was really mature.
Joey: What? No, the only reason I'm going to their stupid new house, is so I can point out everything that's wrong with it, so they don't move. I'm gonna make them stay here.
Mike: You're a strange kind of grown-up.
Phoebe: Joey, you can't make someone do something they don't want to do. Believe me, there's something I've been trying to get Mike to do in bed and there's... he's just...
Mike: Woo-wo-hey-hey-hey... Can we not talk about that right now?
Phoebe: All right, prude... Look, Monica and Chandler really love this house. You are not gonna talk them into staying here.
Joey: Hey, hey... I can convince people to do anything, you know. I bet I can even get Mike to do that "thing". What is it?
(Phoebe whispers something in Joey's ear, but after hearing it he jumps up, shocked)
Joey: I AM NOT GONNA HELP YOU DO THAT! Goodbye! (he leaves)
[Scene: A restaurant. Rachel enters.]
Rachel: (to maitre d') Hi, I'm here to see mr Campbell... with Gucci. The reservation is probably under Gucci. It's spelled like Gukki, which could be confusing.
Maitre d': Mr Campbell's not here yet. Let me show you to his table.
(They walk to the table, but Rachel suddenly gasps. Sitting there is mr Zellner, her boss from her current job at Ralph Lauren.)
Rachel: Oh my God! That's my boss. You have to seat us somewhere else.
Maitre d': I'm sorry. That's always mr Campbell's table.
Rachel: But my... but my boss cannot see me. I'm interviewing for another job.
Maitre d': I know. With Gukki
Rachel: Sssshhhh!
Mr Zellner: Rachel?
Rachel: Hi... I'm on a date...
Mr Zellner: (confused) That's great!
Rachel: Yeah, it is. Yeah, you know, it's tough. Single mom, career... You gotta get out there.
Mr Zellner: Well, you got uhm... good energy.
Rachel: Oh.
Mr Campbell: Rachel?
Rachel: Yes, hi!
Mr Campbell: James Campbell...
Rachel: Hi! (to mr Zellner) Excuse us.
Mr Campbell: Please... (shows her to sit)
Rachel: Okay. Oh, yeah... (whispering to mr Zellner) Oh he's cute!
Mr Campbell: So... your resumé is quite impressive. (Mr Zellner who sits behind Rachel shrugs)
Rachel: Wha... My resumé? I wouldn't... I wouldn't call my online dating profile a resumé.
Mr Campbell: Dating profile? I-I-I'm talking about the work resumé.
Rachel: (starts singing la la la la) Whatever happened to just singing for no reason? Huh?
Mr Campbell: Maybe people... found it weird.... So, why do you want to leave Ralph Lauren?
Rachel: What? I-I don't.
Mr Campbell: You don't?
Rachel: No, I-I-I love it there.
Mr Campbell: Well, if you don't want to leave, why are we having this lunch?
(Rachel mimes and mouths to mr Campbell "That is my boss", pointing to mr Zellner)
Mr Campbell: What?
(Rachel now silently whispers "That's my boss".)
Mr Campbell: That's Hugo Boss?
(Rachel holds her hand in order to support her head. Mr Zellner obviously overheard the conversation.)
[Scene: A counter at a government building. Phoebe's waiting in line.]
Phoebe: (to the woman behind her) This place is so depressing. If I had to work here I'd kill myself. (she turns around and the clerk behind the counter heard her.) But you obviously haven't.
Clerk: How can I help you?
Phoebe: I need to change my name, please. See, I need to change it because I'm-I'm hiding from the law. (the clerk shows no change in expression whatsoever) You're fun.
Clerk: You need to fill out this form. (motions for the next person in line)
Phoebe: Okay, well, I just don't, I don't know how it works exactly. See, my name is Buffay and my husband's name is Hannigan, so is it supposed to be Buffay-Hannigan or Hannigan-Buffay?
Clerk: It can be anything you want.
Phoebe: Well, not anything, I mean...
Clerk: Yeah... anything.
Phoebe: Oh, this could take a while.
Clerk: Get out of my line.
Phoebe: Okay.
[Scene: Central Perk. Chandler and Monica are there when Phoebe enters.]
Phoebe: Hey!
Monica: Hey Pheebs.
Phoebe: Oh, not anymore. I changed it today.
Monica: Oh, I'm sorry, mrs Hannigan.
Phoebe: Wrong again! Apparently you can change it to anything you want. So I thought, all right, here's an opportunity to be creative. So meet Princess Consuela Banana Hammock.
Chandler: That's what we were gonna name the baby.
Monica: Phoebe!
Phoebe: Uh! Princess Consuela.
Monica: You seriously changed your name to that?
Phoebe: Uh-huh!
Monica: Okay, so from now on we have to call you Princess Consuela?
Phoebe: Uhm, no. I'm gonna have my friends call me Valerie.
(Rachel enters, looking depressed)
Chandler: Hey, how'd the interview go?
Rachel: Oh! It's not good.
Chandler: You know, I always feel that way after an interview. I'll bet it went better than you think.
Rachel: Well, I didn't get the job at Gucci and I got fired from Ralph Lauren.
Chandler: That is a bad interview.
Phoebe: What are you, what are you talking about? How did this happen?
Rachel: Well, my boss was at the same restaurant where I was having my interview and he heard everything. So later he calls me to his office and he tells me that he's gonna have to let me go, because I'm not a team player. And I said "Wait a minute! Yes I am." and I had to sit there for 45 minutes while he proved that that in fact... was true.
Monica: Oh God. I'm so sorry.
(Ross enters with a bottle in his hand)
Ross: Hey! Wha-hoo! What's this? (showing the bottle) Well it's a, it's a bottle of champagne. Why is this here?
Phoebe: Ross...
Ross: I guess it's here because I GOT TENURE!
All (except Rachel): Congratulations! (Rachel looks devastated)
Ross: This is the single greatest day of my professional career. Gunther, six glasses!
Gunther: Six? You want me to join you?
Ross: Oh, I thought Joey was here. Five is good. (Gunther leaves, hurt) Well, I'm gonna have a loogie in my coffee tomorrow.
Chandler: Ooh! Israeli champagne. And it's vanilla!
Ross: I got tenure. I didn't win the lottery... Hey Rach, so uh... how did your thing go?
Rachel: Oh it... good! Yeah, but I'm not gonna hear from that for a couple of days.
Ross: Oh, you know what? You're gonna get it. I-I-I-I can feel it.
Phoebe: Can you?
Rachel: Ah, all right. Here's to Ross!
Ross: And-and to years of hard work finally paying off.
Phoebe: And to knowing that your career doesn't mean everything. (Rachel mouths "aah")
Ross: But also knowing it means a lot.
Monica: But more importantly to full well-rounded lives.
Ross: ...that center around work.
Chandler: To Ross!
All (except Rachel): Ross!
(they all drink from the champagne, but clearly dislike the taste of it)
Ross: You know what the best part about this is? I can never be fired.
Phoebe: Oh God!
Ross: No seriously. I have job security for life. You know, I never have to worry. (Rachel starts crying) Oh, look at you. Look how happy you are for me.
Rachel: (crying) No, it's not that. I got fired today. And I didn't get the other job.
Ross: Rach, I'm so sorry.
Rachel: Oh!
Ross: Great. I feel like an idiot.
Rachel: No, it's okay, you didn't know.
Ross: Oh... (to the others) Little heads-up would have been nice.
[Scene: Chandler and Monica's future house. They enter the living room with the realtor and Joey.]
Monica: Thank you for letting us see the house again.
Chandler: And thank you for explaining to us what escrow means... I've already forgotten what you said, but thank you.
Realtor: Take as long as you want. Just let me know when you're through. (she leaves the room)
Monica: Ah, so glad you decided to come.
Joey: Me too. Yeah, this place is great. I'm so happy for you guys. Although, you know, I hope you like fungus.
Chandler: What?
Joey: Fungus! Yeah. Place is full of it.
Monica: No it's not. We had an inspection and they didn't find anything.
Joey: Okay. Then I guess I have dry eyes and a scratchy throat for no reason.
Monica: Maybe because it's you hung your head out of the window like a dog the whole ride here.
Joey: Maybe. So this is the living room huh? Ooh, it's pretty dark. (starts feeling around him like he's in a completely dark room, touching Chandler, who backs out and hits him)
Monica: No it's not!
Joey: (squinting his eyes) Are you kiddin'? I think I just saw a bat in the corner!
Chandler: When your head was hanging out the window, it didn't hit a mailbox, did it?
Joey: (glares at him for a moment, then admits grudgingly) Maybe. Well, I just think you guys can do better than this house, you know? Or any other house for that matter.
Monica: Oh Joey, look, we know you're having a hard time with this, but we really, we love it here.
Joey: FINE, ok, if you love this house so much, then you should just live here, okay? I just hope you get used to that weird humming sound. (He turns his back to them and starts humming) Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...
Monica: Joey, we know that's you.
Joey: no... hmmmmm... it's not... hmmmmmmmmmm
[Scene: Phoebe is at Central Perk. Mike enters.]
Mike: Hey (He kisses Phoebe)
Phoebe: Welcome back!
Mike: Ah! I missed you
Phoebe: Oh, me too!
Mike: So, what's new?
Phoebe: Well, I'm no longer Phoebe Buffay.
Mike: That's great! You changed you name?
Phoebe: Yes I did! Meet: Princess Consuela Banana Hammock! (She smiles from ear to ear)
Mike: (afraid) You're kidding right?
Phoebe: Nope.
Mike: You really did that?
Phoebe: Yep.
Mike: Yeah, but you can't do that.
Phoebe: Why? It's fun, it's different, no-one else has a name like it.
Mike: (looks at her astonished) Alright, then I'm gonna change my name.
Phoebe: Great, okay, what are you gonna change it to?
Mike: Crap Bag.
Phoebe:(not amused) Mike Crap Bag?
Mike: No, no Mike, just Crap Bag. First name Crap, last name Bag.
Phoebe: You're not serious, right?
Mike: Yeah, I'm serious. (sarcastic) It's fun, it's different and no-one else has a name like that!
Phoebe: Uhu, uhu, well, then, great. If you love it, I love it.
Mike: I do love it, and I love your name. I love Princess Consuela.
Phoebe: And I love Crap.
[Scene: Joey is in Monica and Chandler's future house, sitting in a child's bedroom, looking at a quiz card which has "5+10=" printed on one side.]
Joey: (turns the card around, obviously had the wrong answer) Ow!
(A young girl enters)
Girl: Who are you?
Joey: Oh, hi, I'm Joey. My stupid friends are buying this house. Who are you?
Girl: I'm Mackenzie. My stupid parents are selling this house.
Joey: (understanding) Oh.
Mackenzie: (sighs) I hate my parents.
Joey: I hate my friends. (They shake on it as if they just made a pact) Alright, look. There's gotta be a way that we can stop this from happening.
Mackenzie: Like what?
Joey: (thinking) Uhm... oh! Okay. You come with me, and you tell them that the house is haunted!
Mackenzie: What are you? Eight?
Joey: Woah, uh! Okay, let's hear your great idea.
Mackenzie: I don't have any great ideas. I am eight.
Joey: (frustrated) Ahh! There's gotta be a way. I mean, you know, if Monica and Chandler move out here and now Phoebe is married to Mike. That just leaves me and Ross and Rach, you know what I mean?
Mackenzie: I really don't.
Joey: What am I gonna do, I feel like I'm losing my friends.
Mackenzie: My parents say I'm gonna make new friends.
Joey: Oh, yeah, sure, easy for you, you're young. Me, I'm set in my ways.
Mackenzie: This is what my mom was talking about. Whiners are wieners. (Joey glares at her angrily) Look, you want your friends to be happy, right?
Joey: Yeah, yeah, I guess.
Mackenzie: Well, if moving here is gonna make them happy, don't you want them to do it?
Joey: (having difficulty admitting it) Yeah, maybe.
Mackenzie: Then you gotta let them go.
Joey: (In near tears, realizes she is right) I hate to admit it, but you're probably right. How did you get to be so smart?
Mackenzie: I read a lot.
Joey: (his mood changes instantly) Just when I thought we could be friends. (he leaves the room)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Scene: Outside Ralph Lauren building. Rachel just walked out carrying a box of her stuff, and a strange man approaches her.]
Man: Hey Rach, I just heard. I'm so sorry.
Rachel: Oh, thank you... (looks at his face trying to remember his name)
Man: You still don't know my name, do you?
Rachel: (Is embarrassed for a moment, but it quickly passes) Well, now I don't have to. (The man leaves instantly)
(In the meantime, Ross is trying to squeeze and push a rather large chair through the revolving doors of the Ralph Lauren building.)
Rachel: (annoyed) Ross, what is taking you so long?
Ross: (stares at her through the door and starts pushing the chair harder, looking very annoyed. He finally manages) (sarcastic) I'm sorry, it's almost as if this wasn't built for a quick getaway!
(Mark, approaches from behind and recognizes her)
Mark: Rachel?
Rachel: (turns around) Mark? Oh my God! (puts the box on the chair and they hug each other)
Mark: How've you been?
Rachel: I'm fantastic. You remember Ross?
Mark: Sure, sure. (To Ross) What's with the chair. (Rachel signals him not to mention she's been fired)
Ross: Uh, you know, you can't always get a seat on the subway, so... (laughs stupidly)
Mark: Clever. (back to Rachel) So how are you?
Rachel: Oh, well, (looks at her box and chair) you're not catching me on my best day.
Mark: Yeah, a box full of your desk stuff doesn't exactly say big promotion.
Rachel: No, but it's good, you know, I'm gonna take some time off and do some charity work.
Mark: Are you sure, because we may have something at Louis Vuitton.
Rachel: Well, screw charity work. What've you got?
Mark: Why don't we have dinner tonight and talk about it?
Rachel: Great! I'll call ya!
Mark: (shakes Ross' hand) Nice to see you.
Ross: Yeah! yeah, I got tenure! (Mark looks at him strangely and walks off)
Rachel: (very excited) Oh my God!
Ross: See? I told you something good would come along. And he seemed really nice. I've met him before?
Rachel: Ross! That's Mark. From Bloomingdales? You were insanely jealous of him.
Ross: (realizing) That is Mark?
Rachel: Yes.
Ross: I hate that guy.
Rachel: Oh.
Ross: No, no, NO, you cannot go to dinner with him.
Rachel: What? You don't want me to get a job?
Ross: Oh yeah, I'm sure he's gonna give you a job. Maybe make you his SEXretary.
Rachel: Ugh.
Ross: I'm serious. I just don't trust that guy, okay?
Rachel: Ross, you know what? (looks over to the door and sees security staring at them) Okay, let's talk about it later, there comes security. (Takes her box and leaves. Ross follows her and then returns for the chair. He stands for a moment, then pushes it quickly in the general direction Rachel went into, and out of the camera's view, and then nonchalantly walks away)
[Scene: Chandler and Monica's new house. Sitting near the window, they look at the neighborhood.]
Monica: Oh, I love this street. The trees, the big front yards, the actual picket fences.
Chandler: Man, those two dogs are going at it!
Joey: (entering) Hey!
Chandler: Hey.
Monica: Hey, where have you been?
Joey: Oh, just er... you know, looking around. But you know what? This house... is great.
Chandler: Really? What changed your mind?
Joey: Oh well, the little girl who lives here made me feel a lot better about the whole thing.
Chandler: Joey, there was a little girl who lived here, but she died like 30 years ago.
(Joey's eyes double in size)
Joey: (frightened) What?
Chandler: Ha! I'm just messing with you.
Joey: That's not funny! You know I'm afraid of little girl ghosts!
Monica: Joey, now that you're okay with the house, do you wanna go see your room?
Joey: What? I get my own room?
Chandler: You don't think we'd buy a house and not have a Joey room do you?
Joey: Oh my God! (they all hug) Oh! Hey, can I have an aquarium? And a s*x swing?
Chandler and Monica: No!
Joey: Why not? I'll keep the tank clean.
[Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe and Mike are leaving.]
Mike: After you, miss Banana Hammock.
Phoebe: Thank you, mister Bag.
(a woman enters and recognizes Phoebe)
Woman: Oh hey, how are you?
Phoebe: Oh hi Rita! Good! (to Mike) Oh, Rita's a massage client.
Mike: Oh! Why don't you introduce me?
Phoebe: (shrugs) Er, Rita, this is my husband.
Rita: Oh! (they shake hands)
Phoebe: Yeah.
Mike: Why don't you tell her my name?
Phoebe: (without moving her lips, wearing a fake smile) Okay, I will. (to Rita) This is my husband Crap Bag.
Rita: Crap Bag?
Mike: If you need an easy way to remember it, just think of a bag of crap.
Rita: Okay. Excuse me...
Phoebe: Yeah... Ogh... Okay, fine. You made your point. Can you please just be Mike Hannigan again?
Mike: Only if you'll be Phoebe Buffay.
Phoebe: How about uhm... How about Buffay-Hannigan?
Mike: Really?
Phoebe: Yeah. I'm Phoebe Buffay-Hannigan Banana Hammock.
Mike: Do you even know what a banana hammock is?
Phoebe: It's a funny word.
Mike: It's a Speedo.
Phoebe: ...Oh crap!
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment. Ross enters.]
Ross: Hey, is Rachel here?
Monica: No.
Ross: She's still at dinner?
Monica: I guess. Why? Who's she with?
Ross: That guy Mark. From Bloomingdale's... She thinks he's just being nice to her. But I know he really wants to sleep with her.
Chandler: It's seven years ago. (he looks surprised) My time machine works!
Ross: We ran into him on the street today and he said he might have a job for her. But I know he just wants to get into her pants.
Monica: So what if he wants to sleep with her? I mean, she's single and he's cute.
Chandler: Excuse me?
Monica: Oh please! Yesterday on the subway? You couldn't stop staring at that woman with the big breasts the whole time.
Chandler: For your information, I was staring at her baby. We're about to be parents.
Monica: Oh, sorry!
(She looks at Ross, a bit ashamed. Chandler mimes "big breasts" to Ross and lip syncs "Wow". Ross looks at him, astonished and then Monica looks at Chandler again. A little too late he changes the "big breasts" mime into "rocking a baby". When he realizes Monica might have seen it he also strokes his imaginary baby's head.)
Rachel: (entering) Hi you guys!
Ross: Hey, so uhm... How was dinner?
Rachel: Oh, it was great. Mark is so sweet.
Ross: (speaking without pause, agitated) Oh yeah? Yeah? I wonder why? What could that smarmy letch possibly want?
Rachel: Oh Ross, come on. He's happily married. His wife just had twins.
Ross: Should we send something?
Chandler: How did the job stuff go?
Rachel: He offered me one.
Chandler: That's great!
Ross: Congratulations!
Rachel: I know, it's amazing. It's amazing. It's so much better than what I had at Ralph Lauren. The money is great...
Ross: Can we, can we just stop for a second? Who said something better would come along, huh? You didn't believe me. I told you everything was gonna work out. (gasps) You know what? This calls for a bottle of Israels finest.
Rachel: The job is in Paris. (they all stare at each other)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's. Joey's on the phone.]
Joey: I mean, this soap opera is a great gig, but... am I missing opportunities? You know, I've always thought of myself as a serious actor. I mean, should I be trying to do more independent movies?
Mackenzie: (at the other end of the line) I don't know... You know what? I'm gonna put you on with my bear. Hold on. (she puts the phone at the bears ear)
Joey: Hey bear, I need some career advice. | Plan: A: Rachel; Q: Who was fired from Ralph Lauren for being erratic in front of a Gucci representative? A: a restaurant; Q: Where did Rachel have an interview for Gucci? A: Ralph Lauren; Q: What company did Rachel's boss work for? A: her erratic behaviour; Q: What caused Rachel to not get a job at Gucci? A: Brent Spiner; Q: Who was the Gucci representative? A: fate; Q: What is the name of the twist that causes Rachel to bump into her old colleague Mark? A: Bloomingdale's; Q: Where did Rachel's old colleague Mark work? A: the job offer; Q: What does Rachel get from Louis Vuitton in Paris? A: Newly married Phoebe; Q: Who tries to change her name to Phoebe Hannigan? A: Craig Robinson; Q: Who told Phoebe that she could change her name to whatever she wanted? A: "Princess Consuela Bananahammock; Q: What does Phoebe change her name to? A: her friends; Q: Who does Phoebe insist call her Valerie? A: Mike; Q: Who changes his name to "Crap Bag"? A: his name; Q: What does Mike change to make a point? A: Phoebe Buffay-Hannigan; Q: What does Princess Consuela change her name to? A: Joey; Q: Who is depressed after Monica and Chandler plead with him to see their new house? A: their new prospective house; Q: What do Monica and Chandler want Joey to see? A: Dakota Fanning; Q: Who is the eight year old girl Joey meets? Summary: Rachel has an interview in a restaurant for Gucci however her boss from Ralph Lauren catches her when he ends up at the next table and she ends up fired, with her erratic behaviour in front of the Gucci representative ( Brent Spiner ) causing her to not get that job either. By a twist of fate she bumps into her old colleague Mark from Bloomingdale's who arranges for her an interview which she passes, only for the job offer to be from Louis Vuitton in Paris . Newly married Phoebe tries to change her name to Phoebe Hannigan, but after learning from a government worker ( Craig Robinson ) that she can change her name to whatever she wants, she changes it to "Princess Consuela Bananahammock", but insists that her friends call her Valerie. Mike is unimpressed by this, and decides to make a point by changing his name to "Crap Bag". Eventually Princess Consuela gets it and changes her name again to Phoebe Buffay-Hannigan. Meanwhile, Monica and Chandler plead with a depressed Joey to see their new prospective house, and he meets an eight-year-old girl ( Dakota Fanning ) who makes him realize he needs to let them go. |
[Scene: The Electronics' Store. Pacey and Jack are staring at something off screen, and practically drooling while Joey is standing behind them shaking her head]
Pacey: [Sniffles] My god, she is gorgeous.
Jack: Even I can appreciate that.
Pacey: [Sighs] And this one, she knows how to turn on the fun. You know what I mean?
Jack: Can you afford her?
Pacey: Please, Jack, do not tarnish this moment with talk of money.
Jack: I'm just saying
Pacey: I must have her, therefore I can afford her. Her... and all of her little toys, too.
[Camera pulls back showing us that they are staring at a large screen TV]
Pacey: [Breathes deeply]
Joey: What are you guys even gonna do with something this big? I mean, it's kind of grotesque, not to mention the fact that Emma's gonna freak out when you drag this through the living room.
Pacey: Joey, don't be jealous just because she can do things that no man has ever known before.
Joey: Ok, now you're disturbing me. It's a television that looks like it ate a small country. This is the most blatant display of capitalism I've ever seen.
Jack: Don't be threatened by something you don't understand, Joey. I'm gonna go get the sales guy.
[Jack seeing Pacey staring at the screen and nodding runs off to get the sales person]
Joey: Aren't there better things you can be doing with your money?
Pacey: What, like funding your drug habit?
Joey: Now we're talking. Gratuitous purchases aside, I'm very impressed with you, Pace.
Pacey: Hey, you put any fool in a suit and he can change the world. Just look at trading places.
Joey: It's not the suits, and it's not the high-tech toys. It's how you got yourself to this place. I mean, look how far you've come.
Pacey: Not too far, I hope.
Joey: Are you really worried about that?
Pacey: Of course. I'd like to think that I could get back to being the person I used to be, because, in my opinion, he was actually a pretty good guy.
Joey: You still are, Pacey. , You've always been this madcap genius just waiting for potential to kick in. It just so happened to kick into overdrive. I'm very proud of you.
Pacey: Thank you. That means a lot coming from you, Jo.
Joey: But... if you think I'm gonna sit in your apartment and pay homage to that thing, you're sorely mistaken.
Pacey: You gotta come tonight. It's not a party without you, you know that.
Joey: I know. Believe me, I'm coming. I mean, I'm in dire need of cheer and libations after Eddie up and decided to make something of himself.
Pacey: Yeah, you gotta quit with the whole supportive and inspirational thing. It doesn't work for ya. I mean, seriously, what's up with that? Now don't make me regret all of my sentimental pride.
Joey: I won't.
Pacey: So long as you come tonight. It'll be good for your soul, and it really would mean a lot to me if you could just accept her... [Looks back at the TV] As one of our own.
Joey: Oh, god. Clothes don't fool me. Same old lovable punk. I'm gonna go check out the iPods.
[Opening Credits]
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Scene: Pacey's Apartment. The TV is being delivered and Pacey is showing them where to put it. Jack and Jen are there to see the great unveiling]
Jack: Back wall, guys.
Pacey: Back Here. Back here. Back here. [Directing the delivery guys]
Jack: Ohhh. She is awesome. We're gonna pray to her every night.
Jen: It's a box, jack. It's a big box, and since when have you been so interested in big boxes?
Jack: Since Pacey here started sharing the wealth.
Jen: This is not gonna bring you happiness, you know.
Jack: Oh, I beg to differ. See, David's here right now to check out the TV.
Jen: Oh, so, what, you're gonna get lucky with the television?
[David comes into the apartment and walks over to join them by the TV]
Jen: Hi.
David: Hey.
Jack: Hey.
David: Holy big-screen, batman. You were right. It is beautiful.
Jen: Have you boys no concern for the general aesthetic quality of your surroundings? This thing is so big, it could block the sun.
Pacey: Spare me the manifesto, Lindley. The quality of life just went up 10 points in here. Would ya just... give the old girl a chance? I'm sure that she will impress you with her skills. The--the strength of the sound that comes from her, it just-- it feels like it's enveloping your whole body.
Jen: Oh, is Emma's band playing tonight? I didn't know that.
Pacey: No. The TV. Love the TV. Touch the TV.
Jen: Ahh. Moving on. Next subject. Why are you having this party anyway? I mean, you and jack have been living here in private squalor for months now.
Pacey: Squalor. Interesting. Well, work's been going well, and, uh, I just wanted to spread the joy.
Jen: So, listen, I'm bringing C.J. To this party.
Pacey: [Sighs] C.J., The dude from the concert.
Jen: Yes, C.J., The dude from the concert, whose face you introduced to the brick wall, which leads me to my next point-- could you possibly not punch him tonight?
Pacey: I would never.
Jen: Well, that's reassuring. Um, but I'm gonna go now, and when I return, I will have C.J., And I will have ice. Ice, which is for drinks, not for boys' broken faces.
Pacey: Thanks for the clarification.
[Jen, leaves and runs into Emma and some guy walking into the apartment.]
Jen: Hey. See ya later tonight.
Emma: Ta.
Pacey: Emma.
Emma: [Laughs] Oh, what in the queen's name is that?
Pacey: That is tonight's entertainment and every glorious night thereafter.
Jack: This is bertha. Isn't she pretty?
Emma: No. She is not pretty. She is an oversized hag who's taking up my practice space.
Pacey: Don't talk about bertha like that. We can discuss rearranging later.
[Jack looks at the very unkempt person that came into the apartment with Emma and is standing in the kitchen.]
Jack: What--what-- what in the queen's name is that?
Emma: [Laughs] Oh. Sorry. Um... that's Gus.
Jack: Oh.
Emma: My fiancé.
[Everyone suddenly stops what they were doing and looks at her and then to Gus. Who belches.]
[Scene: The rehab center. Dawson walks in and goes over to the receptionist desk. The receptionist looks up from her clipboard to see is she can help him]
Receptionist: How can you help yourself today?
Dawson: Ha ha. Um, actually I'm here to
[Audrey sees Dawson and runs over to greet him]
Audrey: Dawson leery, you are a sight for sober eyes. Hi!
Dawson: It's good to see you, too.
Audrey: Oh, I thought you were gonna think my message was a joke.
Dawson: You sounded a little too desperate for it to be a joke.
Audrey: Oh, well, thanks for not flaking, 'cause I kinda woulda deserved that. [she begins to fake sneeze] Ah-choo! Ah-choo! Ah-choo! Oh, but please tell me that you brought me some Nyquil 'cause I can just not shake this pesky cold.
Receptionist: The first step to getting better is allowing yourself to admit that you're sick.
Audrey: Thanks, Betty. Ok, well, it's cool that you forgot the Nyquil, we'll deal with that later, but please, for the love of Joey Potter, tell me that you brought me something to read. A Jane magazine, hell, I'd even settle for Martha anything. Anything but the bible, although it was pretty cool the first time around. People steal a lot of material from the bible. Have you ever noticed that?
[They quickly make their way to a poolside at the rehab center to talk]
Dawson: Are you ok, Audrey?
Audrey: Yeah. You know, truth be told, I've been...smoking a lot more than the average girl, well, more than the average girl without an eating disorder. You know, they kind of encourage that here. 'cause, like, that's not gonna kill you or anything. Anyway...bygones. You ok, Dawson?
Dawson: Uh, well, sorta. I've been living in Todd's guesthouse for the past 2 weeks, which has been its own kind of sobriety nightmare. Uh, wicked dead is going straight to cable, which means Todd won't be directing anything in the near future and I probably won't ever get another shot at this rate.
Audrey: Yeah. I'm in rehab, Dawson.
Dawson: [Laughs]
Audrey: Did you really not bring me any magazines?
Dawson: I'm sorry, I
[Dawson looks over and sees someone he recognizes trying to get a soda out of the machine but it is not cooperating.]
Dawson: Do you know who that is?
Audrey: Yeah. It's the broad I lost my cigarettes to last night in poker game. I really don't want to talk about it.
Dawson: That's Toni Stark. She's a phenomenally successful producer. She used to work for Spielberg's production company, then she left to start her own. She's like a modern Hollywood legend.
Audrey: Oh, well, finding those is like shooting fish in a barrel here, so don't blow your wad on one sighting, ok, tiger?
Dawson: Do you-- I mean, do you think I could like talk to her? I mean--I mean, I'd love to talk to her, but I don't-- I don't know. She's got this reputation for being like a renowned harpy. You know, likes to eat well-meaning types for breakfast.
Audrey: Well, that's probably her drunken reputation. I mean, she's got no ammo here, but, hello, what about me? You know, you're like the only person who's been cool enough to come visit me here, and now you're gonna ditch me?
Dawson: I'm sorry. You're right. You're absolutely right. Let's-- let's work through what got you here in the first place.
Audrey: No. Let's stalk the burn-out.
[Scene: Outside Pacey, Jack and Emma's apartment. CJ and Jen come walking up to the door carrying some bags of ice, when CJ starts to get nervous]
CJ: Whose party did you say this was?
Jen: I didn't. Funny, that. Let's go in.
CJ: Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Come on now. I'm not one for surprises.
Jen: Ok, it's my friend Pacey's party.
CJ: Pa--that dude from the concert?
Jen: Yes, the dude from the concert, the one who introduced your face to a brick wall.
CJ: I got a better idea. Why don't we go in there, drop off the ice, go to a movie.
Jen: These are some of my best friends, and if you and I are gonna do this, you're gonna have to get to know them sooner or later, so let's just do it, please?
[They go inside the apartment and the first thing you see is a lot of people and a very large TV]
Emma: Hello there.
CJ: Nice television.
Jen: See? I told you it wasn't gonna be so bad.
[They take off their coats and make their way into the party.]
[Scene: In the Kitchen. Joey and Pacey are in the kitchen talking together about the party. Joey is filling up a bowl with chips as Pacey is raiding the refrigerator]
Joey: Quite the shindig, pace. I'm impressed.
Pacey: Why, thank you. I owe it all to bertha.
Joey: Please tell me you didn't name the television.
Pacey: Ok. You want a drink? We have... water, juice, coke, the green gunk that Emma drinks, beer
Pacey: Mm, gimme a drink. Something fruity and mind-numbing.
[Pacey looks Shocked]
Joey: Don't gimme that look.
Pacey: What look?
Joey: Like you're going to ask me who I am and what I've done to Joey Potter.
[He pulls out some orange juice and cranberry juice, and grabs the vodka and begins mixing Joey a drink]
Pacey: I was gonna do no such thing. I was simply gonna make you a drink. And may I say that you look wonderful tonight.
Joey: Thank you. I thought it was time for a shower.
Pacey: [Laughs] You know, I heard that things haven't been going so great for you lately, but I have confidence that you're gonna get through this because you always do.
Joey: Hmm. You know, I'll always be the one to wake up early, take the exam, get over the boy, drive the roommate to rehab, right? 'Cause somebody's gotta do all that, right? You know what? Maybe tomorrow I won't do it and somebody else will.
Pacey: So just what would you do instead?
Joey: What is this instead you speak of?
Pacey: Well... this is a fairly safe place for you, right? So feel free. Enjoy yourself.
Joey: All right. That's the plan. All bets are off.
[She grabs the bottle of vodka and pours more into her drink]
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Scene: The couch in front of the big TV. Joey is obviously starting to get drunk, and she is sitting on the couch talking with David.]
Joey: [ Laughing ] You know, I just keep wondering... when he's gonna return to his art. I mean, he was really quite talented.
David: Mm-hmm. Really? I had no idea he was into that sort of thing.
Joey: Mm-hmm.
David: Really?
Joey: Oh, my gosh. That's what brought us together in the first place. Well... before. I mean, you'll think this is funny, but... jack... when I first met him... mm-hmm. He was... shy and kinda dorky. Seriously. [Laughs] I mean, to be honest, I never would've known he liked me, except for... there was that one time I was sketching him for class... he got excited. Waaaaah.
David: No.
Joey: [Laughing]
[Scene: The rehab center. Audrey and Dawson are stalking the producer, and see her go over and sit down at a small table outside, and grab a magazine.]
Audrey: Ooh, Dawson, go do it now.
Dawson: Do what? I don't remember coming up with a plan.
Audrey: Just friggin' go do it!
[Audrey shoved him over towards her, and he shyly makes his way over to talk to her.]
Dawson: Slim pickin's, huh?
Toni: Entertainment's sure tough to come by around here. What do you do for fun?
Dawson: Me? I just got here.
Toni: Well, I'd be glad to show you the ropes, um...
Dawson: Dawson. Dawson Leery.
[She shakes his hand and then doesn't release it, rather she begins to caress it with her other hand.]
Toni: You got nice hands, Dawson Leery. I'm Toni Stark.
Dawson: I know who you are. You're...a genius.
Toni: Yeah. Something like that.
Dawson: I'm sorry. You probably came here for privacy.
Toni: No. Actually I came here to stop having fun, but I love hearing how great I was... 10 years ago. You put it that way, you sound like you were a flash in the pan.
Dawson: So are we gonna go somewhere or what?
Toni: Um... [Laughs] I...uh, I'm sorry. Look, the thing is I'm starting out in the industry
Dawson: Listen, baby bird, it's bad enough teasing a drying-out broad with your naughty bits, but it's worse to try and talk about the business with somebody who's currently out of it. See ya around.
[Toni leaves, and Audrey comes walking up trying to contain her laughter, but is failing miserably.]
Audrey: [Laughs] Oh, my god. Dawson!
Dawson: [Sighs]
Audrey: You are helpless
[Scene: The Apartment Kitchen. Jen is looking through the refrigerator, when David comes walking up behind her and reaches in and grabs a drink.]
David: Hey, hope you're not looking for anything of nutritional value.
Jen: No. No. [Sighs] No. No. Just lookin'. So it's a good party, huh? I think it's a good party. All these different types of people mixing and what not, andand there's been no punching in of C.J.'S face. That's good. I like that.
David: You seem a little jumpy. Do you, uh, want a beer or something?
Jen: No, I'm goin' the clean and sober route tonight, takin' one for the C.J. Team.
David: He doesn't mind it when other people drink.
Jen: It's nothing. It's just easier this way.
David: What, lying?
Jen: No, it's not lying, I mean, it's just--it's-- and you know what, and it's probably really good for me, too.
[Pacey comes up and reaches over them to grab a beer out of the door of the refrigerator]
Pacey: Hey.
Jen: Hi. How are ya, slugger?
Pacey: Don't worry. Everything's fine.
Jen: Yeah, I noticed the lack of fisticuffs. Thank you for being nice to him.
Pacey: It's actually easier than I thought it would be 'cause it turns out he's a pretty good guy. So we kissed, we made up, I offered him a drink, and everything's been ok.
Jen: He refused, right, when you offered him the drink?
Pacey: No, of course not. Who does that?
Jen: Oh, god. Alcoholics. Recovering alcoholics tend not to drink.
Pacey: What's with all the under-age alcoholics around here? Ok. I got it. I'm on damage control, and have you seen Joey?
[Scene: Elsewhere at the party. Joey and CJ are leaning against a wall talking to one another. Joey is drunkenly rambling on again, rather than a full out conversation.]
Joey: You know, C.J. I just--I really think it's great how you've turned Jen around. Because before, believe me, I mean, she was-- she was a troubled young lady.
CJ: So she says.
Joey: She killed a girl once.
CJ: What?
Joey: Abby Morgan. Killed her with champagne. You want some?
[She holds up her glass of champagne to him]
CJ: No.
Joey: Do you want some?
CJ: No. No. I'm--I'm-- this is--I'm-- oooh.
[Pacey seeing her trying to push alcohol on him quickly intervenes]
Pacey: [Laughs] Hey, there you are. So... what do you say we leave the nice man alone now, shall we?
[Pacey grabs her drink, and then pulls Joey next to him]
Pacey: About that thing earlier, I'm sorry, I didn't know.
CJ: What?
[Scene: In another room. Possibly where Emma Sleeps. Joey and Pacey enter the room and take a seat on the bed trying to get away from the crowd for a minute]
Joey: Thank you.
Pacey: You're welcome.
[She takes here drink back and sits down]
Joey: He seems like a nice guy. What does C.J. Stand for?
Pacey: Couldn't tell ya.
Joey: Ah, I hope those kids work it out.
Pacey: Hmm.
Joey: Pacey. Everybody's working it out. Jen and C.J., You know, that British girl and that gross guy. I'm just no good at this. I just-- I push people away.
Pacey: No, that's not true.
Joey: Oh, no? Then why do they go out to sea or move across country or follow their dreams just because I told them to? There's always something better out there than me.
[Begins to get a tear in her eye]
Pacey: Whoa. I think, perhaps you're looking at this the wrong way. Maybe it's just that you're such an amazing woman, you make these guys wanna be better men.
Joey: Well, we're not together.
Pacey: True enough. [Chuckles] Yeah. [Sighs] Yeah.
Joey: Well, don't you look so glum. We're talking about my sucky life. Yours is a success.
[She tries to push his mouth into a smile with her fingers]
Joey: Oh. I forgot. You're still not over me.
Pacey: [Chuckles] Really?
Joey: Oh, remember? Christmas dinner from hell? That was one of Audrey's enlightened comments.
Pacey: Right. Of course.
Joey: You're still not over me. That must suck.
Pacey: Oh, it does. You have no idea the hardships I go through trying to maintain a friendship with a dream girl such as yourself. You have no idea.
Joey: Gets lonely.
Pacey: It does. I cry myself to sleep every night, but Jack and I cuddle. That eases the pain. He's very loving.
Joey: [Laughs] Oh, Pace. You know what? I am a good catch.
[She gets up and walks out of the room, and Pacey just watches her go, agreeing to himself.]
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Scene: A montage of scenes from the party. Including all of the character of the show doing many different thing. CJ and Jen talking. Gus trying to hit on Emma but her pulling away. Joey drinking. Jack and David talking. Pacey and others. Many people around a keg. More Joey drinking. Pacey and Joey having a great time together.]
[Scene: The couch in front of the TV. Jack, Emma and Gus are sitting on the couch talking together. Gus on one end, Jack on the other, and Emma in the middle of them.]
Jack: I--I don't understand. I mean, when did you stop going to school?
Emma: Um... the end of the semester. The band's really taking off, jack, and I just-- I couldn't keep up with the requirements. When am I gonna need to know the origin of the baroque period anyway? It's totally lacking inspiration.
Gus: Totally.
Jack: Ahem. So, Gus... you still in school?
Gus: No need. I'm gonna be a roadie for the little lady.
Emma: [Laughs] No. No. He's just saying that. No. He's actually, um, a very brilliant pianist. He, um, plays in a pool hall on--on Thursday nights. It's really good stuff.
[They look over to Gus who is pulling something off the bottom of his shoe]
Gus: Wicked.
Jack: Yeah. Ok, um... are you sure you thought this marriage thing through? I mean, no offense, Gus, we just met tonight, but uh, it's movin' awful quickly.
Emma: Yeah, that's sort of the point, Jack. My visa ran out as soon as I quit school, which means I have no right to be here unless I... marry some Yankee b*st*rd. Actually Gus has been very agreeable about the whole thing. Haven't ya, Gus?
Gus: Right on, baby mama.
Emma: So I'm going to go, um, fetch something to drink. Can I get something for anyone?
Gus: Yeah, I'd like a-- I'd like a beer.
Emma: Ok.
Gus: And maybe some chips. And maybe, uh... mash the chips up inside a sandwich.
Emma: Ok.
[Emma goes into the kitchen leaving them alone]
Jack: So... Gus, did ya just, you know, offer your services to her, 'cause, you know, it's a big sacrifice just, you know, gettin' married this young and all. So
Gus: Yeah, I was led to believe that having other women in the bedroom wouldn't exactly be off limits. Plus, it's nice compensation.
Jack: What do you mean?
Gus: Free room and board, man. Plus, she said she'd cook for me.
Jack: Uh... yeah, you know, she's not exactly a cook. Um... she just throws stuff in a blender, and then she just kinda hopes
Gus: Whatever, man. She's got a nice rack.
Jack: Yeah, she
[Emma comes back and hands Gus a sandwich and a beer.]
Emma: Say, uh, are you two getting to know each other?
Jack: Unfortunately.
Gus: Yeah, no, your old man's cool. Doesn't even seem all that gay.
[Jack looks at him angrily for a sec, then decides not to do anything. Emma takes a big drink out of the bottle of champagne she has]
Jack: Yeah. Ok. Um... see you kids later. I'm just going to
[Jack goes to get up, but Emma grabs his shoulder and forces his to sit back down]
Jack: Stay right here.
[The camera pulls away, but Emma never lets go of Jack's shoulder preventing him from leaving.]
[Scene: The rehab center. Dawson and Audrey are following Toni Stark down the hallways at a distance that she cannot easily see them]
Dawson: All right, wait, why are we still doing this? Weren't you just blatantly telling me what a miserable failure I was?
Audrey: Look, Dawson Leery, if there is one thing I have learned in rehab, well, other than some killer cat's cradle, is that you have to believe in yourself. You are your own worst enemy and all that.
Dawson: You're not too convincing.
Audrey: [Sighs] Come on. You are so much better than all the wannabes I grew up with. I mean, so you made a colossal fool out of yourself in front of some producer. I say... why not do it again?
Dawson: You're not just encouraging me because you've been in rehab for a month and you're bored out of your mind, are you?
Audrey: Dawson, give a girl a break and dance, monkey, dance!
[Toni turns and walks around a corner out of view]
Dawson: All right, she went in that room right there.
Audrey: Oooh.
[The quickly turn the corner to see that they have walked in on a group session.]
Counselor: Hey, guys. Come on in. Don't be shy. We're here to help.
Dawson: Actually, you know, we're
Audrey: No, you know what? Honey, this is gonna be good for us.
Counselor: Come on, guys, make some room.
[Two people give them their char and grab another from the side of the room]
Dawson: Thank you.
Audrey: Thanks.
[Scene: The party. There is another montage of people having a great time together. Emma runs up to the Keg and does a handstand on it while two guys hold her legs and another begins to pour beer from the tap into her mouth. Jack and Pacey are standing next to the new TV watching this go on.]
Jack: Do we really have to co-habitat with this guy?
Pacey: Whoa. Whoa. She didn't mention anything about that.
[One of the guys were counting and gets to ten, and Emma falls back down to the ground]
Jack: Well, yeah, I think it's part of the marital-bliss deal. I mean, free room and board, the occasional unwanted groping, it's the only reason he's doing it.
Pacey: You gotta be kidding me.
Jack: What, you're shocked?
Pacey: I--I--I just don't get it, I guess.
Jack: I mean, you know, I understand Emma's in a bind, but, you know, she coulda said something.
Pacey: Yeah, I know.
Jack: And this creep. I mean, who marries someone they don't love?
[They both look over and see Gus slap Emma on the ass as she walks by.]
Pacey: That kinda creep.
Jack: Kinda creep that's kinda givin' up hope.
Pacey: When you stop to think about it, it really must suck to be him.
[Scene: in one of the other rooms of the apartment. Jen walks into the room, and sees CJ sitting in a window sill holding a drink in his hands.]
Jen: So you havin' fun?
CJ: Oh, yeah.
Jen: Yeah. So you're drinking?
CJ: You know, I'd be much more inclined to answer your question if you weren't lookin' at me like I just...killed grams drunk driving.
Jen: I'm just curious.
CJ: Well, your friend offered me a drink, and it seemed rude to say no, so
Jen: So that's it? Years of sobriety shot to hell over a question of etiquette with a guy who threatened to punch you in your face?
CJ: I don't expect you to understand.
Jen: Well, thank god for that.
CJ: No, I just-- I didn't want to get into it with a stranger. You know... but thanks for telling him, incidentally.
Jen: Telling him what?
CJ: That I don't drink, apparently. Now he's apologizing to me like I'm dying or something.
Jen: Well, you know, it is a disease.
CJ: I know that, Jen. I, uh, I trained you. Remember?
Jen: Y-yeah, no, I know. I know, so why is this coming up? Because for as long as I've known you, you've operated on a certain set of rules to the point where I didn't think that a day would go by if you weren't sticking to the C.J. Plan.
CJ: Well, did it ever occur to you that maybe I realized I was too strict with myself? That maybe I wouldn't even be here right now if I was sticking to the so-called C.J. Plan?
Jen: Well, if this is gonna happen, then maybe you shouldn't be here with me.
CJ: Why? Because I've been sitting here for the past hour considering on whether or not to take a drink? I'd be more concerned about your friend Joey over there. She tried to tell me you killed somebody.
Jen: Wait, I'm sorry, so you--you haven't been drinking?
CJ: Oh, is that gonna magically change all the conclusions you just jumped to?
Jen: Well, yes.
CJ: Well, it doesn't work that way, Jen. Yeah, I've been thinking about it, fine. Just like I've been thinking about trying some normalcy with you, but apparently you find that wildly insulting.
Jen: No. No, look, I just don't want-- I just don't want whatever happens between us to be detrimental to either of us.
CJ: Are you trying to get outta something here? If you are, just tell me.
Jen: No, I am not trying to get out of anything. I don't even know what I'm getting into.
CJ: Well, then why are you making excuses for why this won't work? I mean, it's pretty hypocritical given our history, isn't it?
[Scene: The rehab center. Audrey and Dawson are sitting in the group session. Dawson seems out of place, but Audrey looks like she is trying to make the best of the situation.]
Counselor: What's your name?
Audrey: [Southern accent] My name is pinky. They call me that because a ferret bit off my pinky toe when I was 10, and that is when I turned to the drink.
Counselor: Ok. What is it that you'd like to tell your friend here?
Audrey: Oh, he is more than just a friend, more than just a cousin. We got married real young. Right after the second baby, was it? And then there were some more, but I lost track. They're with mom now in Vegas, but Dawson here, he was always real good to me. Even when I beat him because he knew that I didn't mean it. He knew it was just the alcohol talkin', right?
Dawson: You did do some things that were more violent than that.
Audrey: Well, like what, honey?
Dawson: Well, how 'bout the time you drove the car through the house and damn near killed us all?
Audrey: He's right about the car. Yeah. There were some things that I did that I probably wouldn't have if I weren't drinkin'.
Counselor: What other things, fingy?
Audrey: Well... like tellin' people things they didn't need to hear just 'cause I wanted to see the looks on their faces. You know, pushin' people away who were just tryin' to help me. Dawson here, he was always... real quiet about it, though. Not judgmental, really, just, you know, kept pickin' me up over and over again.
Counselor: And why do you suppose he did that?
Audrey: I don't really know. I think he's just... the kinda guy who always believes the best in people. And he deserved more than just... the destruction of his property, I suppose.
Dawson: It's ok, though. We can fix that.
Audrey: [Whispering] But I could've really hurt you.
Dawson: Yeah, but I think you needed to hit rock bottom before you snapped out of it.
Audrey: Yeah, but I didn't hit rock bottom until a couple of weeks after that.
Dawson: Maybe you just needed to hit it really hard.
Audrey: [Laughing] [Southern accent] Do you think... that there is still a house for me to come home to after all the construction's done and what not?
Dawson: I promise.
Audrey: Oh! Dawson, let's have another baby.
Toni: [Applause] Listen, I'm all for makin' a mockery of rehab, but can we please move this along? Blondie over here is from Beverly Hills, and she tried to take me for 2 packs last night, and her boyfriend here is, I don't know, a key grip.
Counselor: Is this true?
Dawson: Actually I was assistant to the director. I ended up directing the re-shoots myself, and, Toni, if you'd allow me to show you my reel
Counselor: Ok, that'll be quite enough of that. Thank you very much. You two obviously don't belong here.
Audrey: [Gasps] Do you mean I'm cured?
Counselor: No, I mean you're on dish duty tonight. I'll tell betty. Now, please, let conduct this session in peace.
Audrey: Sorry.
Toni: Buh-bye now.
[They get up and leave]
Audrey: It went well.
[Scene: The Party. Joey has gotten, Pacey, Jen and CJ, David and Jack, Emma and Gus all together to play spin the bottle. Everyone except Joey rather not be playing this game.]
Jen: You killing me with this, right, Joey?
Joey: I most certainly am not. Now don't be a spoil sport. Come on.
Jen: Ok, fine, but I--I'm not kissing him.
[points at Gus]
Joey: Well, what's fair is fair, right? Come on, Gustav, spin.
[Gus spins the bottle and it ends up pointing at Joey.]
Joey: New rule-- no tongue.
Jen: No, no, no, no. What's fair is fair, and don't mess with me because I've killed before.
Joey: [Whispering] I know. [to CJ] See?
Gus: No tongue? Screw that.
[Gus gets up and goes over and licks the side of Joey's Cheek. He sits back down and Joey wipes her face with her sleeve, and everyone looks disgusted.]
Joey: Ok. Well?
[She spins the bottle and it ends on Jack]
Joey: Jack!
[They kiss, and then Jack spins the bottle and it ends on Emma, and Jack kisses Emma. Emma spins the bottle and it ends on Jen.]
Jen: Oh.
[Jen and Emma give each other a quick kiss after a little giggle. Jen spins the bottle and it ends on CJ.]
Joey: Wait. That's not fair. You guys get to kiss all the time. What's the fun in that?
CJ: Not tonight. There's rules to be followed, yeah?
Jen: Oh, shut up.
[They kiss rather passionately, and Jack just sits impatiently. Everyone stares as they begin to make out right there. ]
David: Ok.
Jack: Ugh, yeah.
CJ: I'm a little thirsty. Do you need a
Jen: ok. Yeah, let's.
[Jen and CJ quickly get up and leave them.]
Joey: Oh, hey, whoa. This isn't like... 7 minutes in heaven. You guys have to come back.
Jack: You just wanna kiss Jen.
Pacey: Ok, regardless, they forfeit their turn.
[He gets up and spins the bottle, and it lands on Joey. Who smiles]
Joey: Mmm. Well... [Drunkenly trying to act sexy]doo-doo doo-doo all right. [Whispering] Lay one on me, pace.
[Just as Pacey is about to kiss Joey, Gus who is standing on the new TV falls]
Gus: Oh!
[Crash]
Pacey: Oh, you're gonna die!
Gus: I just-- I just wanted to see how much weight it would hold.
Pacey: What have you done?!
Gus: I didn't
Pacey: What have you done?! I will kill you. I will kill you for this do you understand?!
[Emma quickly sees that Pacey is serious and quickly gets Pacey to release Gus and stands between them]
Emma: Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Aaaah!
[She pops Gus upside the head with her hand]
Emma: Idiot! Don't worry about this. I'll take care of it.
Pacey: No! No! No! Kill you!
[Emma pushes Gus towards the door to the apartment]
What about my stuff?
Emma: Oh, I'll throw it on the curb.
Gus: Yeah. Ok, but
Emma: the wedding is off.
Gus: Um, we-- we haven't done it yet.
Emma: Yeah, I'm aware of that, thank you.
Gus: Ok.
[She pushes him out the door, and Pacey and Jack lift the TV back up and see the screen is smashed]
Pacey: Oh, bertha. [Crying]
Jack: Oh, no. Jeez!
[Electrical snaps]
Pacey: Oh, I'm gonna kill that little b*st*rd.
[Joey stands up, rather drunk, not knowing what is going on.]
Joey: Wanna play sardines?
[she passes out and falls to the floor.]
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Scene: Outside the Rehab Center. Audrey is walking Dawson out to his car. It is now evening out. ]
Dawson: So they're really gonna put you on dish duty, huh?
Audrey: Oh, please, that's a godsend. It gets me out of kumbaya-ing for the night.
Dawson: Well, why did you have to give us so many kids?
Audrey: Whatever! Why did you have to get all earnest with the bag lady about the nature of the biz? [Laughs] Ohh. [Sighs] You know, it wasn't entirely fictional, the therapy session. I was feeling like there was some hardcore healing going on in there.
Dawson: Good. Just sucks you had to get in trouble to do it.
Audrey: Dawson. Stalking some woman through the hallways and crashing a therapy session was more fun than I ever could've imagined. You have no idea what a relief it was to just... not talk about myself and my problems all day. And darned if it didn't end up helping my problems out anyway.
Dawson: Hate when that happens.
Audrey: I know. You seem a little less self-absorbed than when you got here. You better get yourself back to L.A. Proper fast.
Dawson: Yeah, really. I don't know, I think it was just seeing somebody I admire so much give up on life like that. I don't know, I might be floundering for my next move, but I'm not that bad.
Audrey: Dawson, I haven't given up on life.
Dawson: I'm talking about Toni Stark.
Audrey: Oh. Right. [Giggles] See? You're good. The next time you come, you bring me Nyquil.
Dawson: There doesn't even have to be a next time. You're almost outta here.
Audrey: I don't know, it's like... as much as I hate it here, I'm sorta scared more of what's beyond the gate 'cause it's all kind of a blur, but... I don't think I left things on the best of terms out there.
Dawson: It can all be just like it was. Minus the bad parts.
Audrey: You know, actually, I kinda don't think I can, but... kinda glad about that. [Giggles]
Dawson: Come here.
[They hug.]
Audrey: [Sighs] Thank you.
Dawson: Bye.
Audrey: See ya.
[Scene: the couch in front of the now busted TV. David and Jack are sitting there looking at the broken TV and talking.]
David: So, uh, you really used to go out with, uh, Joey, huh?
Jack: Uh...ahem. Who have you been talking to tonight?
David: Well, maybe if you didn't keep ditching me to go make out with women
Jack: I was just playing by the rules. Besides, Joey was being very...adamant. What exactly did she tell you?
David: Nothing, really, but I would love to see your work sometime.
Jack: [Laughs] Ooh, no, I don't-- I don't-- I don't think so. Ahem. But I am sorry for being, uh, distracted tonight. It's just that, you know, this whole... Gus bomb that, uh, Emma dropped is just kinda shocking.
David: Yeah, but crisis averted. It's almost like it never happened.
Jack: Well, I'm just worried. You know, I mean, I just--I had no idea that things were so desperate for her. What's she gonna do now?
David: Hmm. It's a bad situation, you know, it isn't exactly your problem to solve. I mean, there isn't really much you can do unless you want to go marry her yourself. [Chuckles]
[We can see that Jack is actually considering the thought]
[Scene: Pacey's Bedroom. Jen and CJ have just had s*x, and are lying underneath all of the coats that are piled up on the bed. CJ grabs his boxers and is about to start to get dressed when Jen stops him.]
Jen: Wait. What are you doing? Are you getting dressed?
CJ: Well, yeah. I think some people wanna get in here.
Jen: Don't. Make them wait. Their coats aren't that nice anyway.
CJ: Well, you're the one rollin' around in 'em.
Jen: I know. Exactly. Come here.
CJ: Ok.
[They begins kissing again]
CJ: This sure beats arguing about whether or not I've had a drink.
Jen: No, that was fun for a while, too.
CJ: Well, you weren't entirely wrong.
Jen: Yeah, well, I wasn't entirely right, either. I mean... it's your life, you know what you're doing with it.
CJ: Not really. But this is pretty nice right here. I got nervous tonight... when I saw... Pacey. Reminded me of all the--the drama. I don't know, I just-- I guess I just wanted to make you happy, try to be normal.
Jen: I would be unhappy if you were normal. Besides, I thought that's what I was trying to do. I had this plan that I was not going to have a drink tonight, and you and I were just going to talk about philosophy.
CJ: That's not normal party behavior.
Jen: I don't care about any of that stuff anymore. I mean, I just wanna...do this. Can--can we do this?
CJ: This? Think we just did, and I think some coat owners aren't gonna be too happy with the result.
Jen: Seriously, I-- I don't wanna date the idea of you, and I don't want you to fall for some false idea of me.
CJ: You tried faking me out before, remember? You're not very good at it.
Jen: I know. We should get outta here.
CJ: You're gonna have to surrender this coat first, you know that?
Jen: No, this is Joey's coat. She has enough coats.
[He points to the coat that Jen is lying underneath]
CJ: Come on, let's go get wasted.
Jen: Mmm. Totally, dude.
[He gets up, but Jen lies there for a sec holding Joey's coat to her]
[Scene: The kitchen. Jack and Emma are seeing people as they leave the party. The party has wrapped up and the place is a mess.]
Guys: Bye.
Jack: See ya, guys.
[the last of the guests leave, and Emma and Jack begin cleaning up]
Emma: So, where do you think C.J. And Jen came from?
Jack: I don't even want to think about it. Look, I'm sorry about your, um... failed marriage and everything.
Emma: Yeah, thanks, Jack, the sympathy is just oozing from your voice.
Jack: All right, well, between a loveless marriage and--and going home, don't you think going home would be a little bit better? I mean, you know, at least you'd have some time to figure some things out.
Emma: My folks are great, don't get me wrong, but it is my mom's dying wish to see me fail at this, and I just can't give her that satisfaction. You know, I'd be there one day, she'd have me tutoring the slow kids on the triangle. It's musical suicide. I'm not looking for love right now. When I find it, it usually kicks my ass.
[Chuckles]
Emma: And if at some point some Christian bale type does descend upon me, so to speak... I'll just, um...
Jack: Yeah.
Emma: I'll dump the poor sap I married. Hmm.
Jack: Well, I'm gonna have to have a little bit of private time with that, uh, Christian bale type before I can let you marry him. [Laughs]
Emma: Uh-uh.
Jack: You actually, I--I... I would be the perfect husband. You know, I can help you check out guys, I can...make sure they're not gay.
Emma: [Laughs] Yes, it is rather a hassle when you find that out late in the game, isn't it
Jack: Plus, you know, I wouldn't be pawing you all the time like Gus.
Emma: Well, that sounds great. Let's get married, then.
Jack: Let's do it.
Emma: [Laughs] Yeah, um... how much have you had to drink?
Jack: I'm just tryin' to help you out. I mean, we already live together, right?
Emma: Look, why do you think I asked Gus? 'Cause he's a nasty little creature who I don't care about. It's easier that way. I could never ask that big of a favor from a friend. I just--I couldn't.
Jack: Well, you don't have to 'cause... I'm askin' you.
Emma: Jack, you are too good.
Jack: Well, not really. I--I--I didn't get you a ring or
Emma: That's a good point! No, you are. You are too good for that. I couldn't.
Jack: [Sighs] I would.
Emma: I know. I know you would, you madman. I wish I could take advantage of that. Nope. I can't ruin 2 lives. [Laughs] It's my mess. I've got to face it. I've been livin' too long in fantasy land. Go dry those dishes.
[Scene: Pacey's bedroom. Pacey is carrying a passes out Joey upstairs into the bedroom, and goes over and lies her down on the bed.]
Pacey: And here we are. Home, sweet...
Joey: Already?
Pacey: Already. I know, it's a long trip up from the living room.
Joey: That was fun. See, I'm a lovely drunk.
Pacey: You are indeed, Miss Potter.
[He takes off her boots]
Joey: I talked to so many new people tonight. People love me.
Pacey: And they love it when you tell them your friends' dirty little secrets.
Joey: Huh?
Pacey: Nothing. Never mind.
[Joey is falling asleep and her speech keeps getting quieter and quieter]
Joey: It was a wonderful party, Pacey. Until all the smashes and stuff.
Pacey: Yeah, the smashing was not so good.
Joey: I'm sorry about the television thing.
Pacey: It's ok. It happens. And I probably was getting a little too attached.
Joey: Can't have that.
Pacey: No. But I'm glad you had a good time. You deserved it. And you are a lovely and wise drunk, Miss Potter.
[Joey smiles and starts to push a hair off her face, before he arm just droops]
Pacey: What you said earlier was right. I never did. How could I? Just look at you.
[Joey leans up groggily]
Joey: You know what else we never did?
[She kisses him]
Joey: Your turn now.
[She then passes out back onto the bed.]
Pacey: Sweet dreams, Joey.
[He kisses her on the forehead, and then pulls the covers over her, before sitting down in a chair to watch her sleep.] | Plan: A: Los Angeles; Q: Where does Dawson visit Audrey at the rehab clinic? A: Dawson; Q: Who visits Audrey at the rehab clinic? A: Toni Stark; Q: Who is the big time film producer that Dawson follows into a therapy session? A: a therapy session; Q: Where does Toni Stark go after Dawson spots her? A: better contacts; Q: What does Toni Stark hope to give Dawson? A: Boston; Q: Where does Pacey throw a party to celebrate his new job? A: Pacey; Q: Who throws a party at his place to celebrate his new success? A: a new super-sized TV set; Q: What does Pacey purchase at his party? A: Joey; Q: Who gets drunk at Pacey's party? A: Eddie; Q: Who did Joey miss? A: the reformed alcoholic C.J.; Q: Who does Jen catch with a drink? A: sex; Q: What did Jen and C.J. have for the first time after they argued? A: Emma; Q: Who is trying to get her green card by courting a stoner? A: the country; Q: Where is Emma trying to stay to get her green card? A: Jack; Q: Who offers to marry Emma? Summary: In Los Angeles, Dawson visits Audrey at the rehab clinic where he spots a big time film producer, named Toni Stark, and follows her into a therapy session hoping to talk to the woman who'll direct Dawson to better contacts. Meanwhile in Boston, Pacey throws a party at his place to celebrate his new success at his job as well as purchasing a new super-sized TV set and is surprised when Joey, still sulking over the departure of Eddie, lets loose by getting drunk and setting up a spontaneous game of spin the bottle. Jen catches the reformed alcoholic C.J. with a drink which leads to them arguing, and making up by having sex for the first time. Also, Emma tries to stay in the country to get her green card by courting a stoner to marry her until Jack offers to marry Emma. |
MUSIC IN:
EXT. PORT AUTHORITY - DAY
TONY: Ah, you should have been there last night, you would have loved it. Two warriors squaring off in the ring.
ZIVA: I had plans with McGee.
TONY: Mud glistening off their thongs. Wait, back up a second. You were with McGeek?
ZIVA: No. He was with me. I was making him dinner.
TONY: Why would you make McGee dinner?
ZIVA: I like to cook.
TONY: You cook?
ZIVA: Jimmy seemed to like it.
TONY: Palmer?! I've never even been to your place and you're cooking dinner for McGee and the autopsy gremlin? At what point did the Earth come off its axis?
ZIVA: Perhaps now, Tony. What's wrong with that picture?
TONY: Containers aren't unloaded at the dock.
(MUSIC OVER ACTION)
TONY: Clear! Custom seal's been broken.
ZIVA: (SHOUTS) Tony!(MUSIC OVER ACTION)
(SFX: RAPID GUNFIRE)
TONY: Get inside!
(SFX: VOICES SHOUT B.G.)
(SFX: TRUCK STARTS B.G.)
(DOOR CLOSES)
ZIVA: I think we've just been screwed in here, Tony.
TONY: The term is bolted.
ZIVA: Same difference.
(FADE OUT)
(THEME MUSIC UP OVER OPENING TITLE/SCENES/ CREDITS AND OUT)
MUSIC IN:
EXT. PORT AUTHORITY - DAY
TONY: (V.O.) I tried that. It's bolted from the outside.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. CONTAINER - DAY
ZIVA: I knew your idea was stupid.(SFX: TONY AND ZIVA KICK THE WALLS)
TONY: My idea?
ZIVA: Yes. Taking up a defensive position inside a metal box! Yes!
TONY: You're not panicking on me, are you?
ZIVA: I don't panic! This is me... mad!
TONY: I'm not getting any reception. How about you?(TELEPHONE FX)
ZIVA: I'm braless.
TONY: I noticed that earlier. But on your phone they're bars.
ZIVA: Don't you have anything better to do than correct my English?
TONY: Like what?
ZIVA: Like getting us out of this box you trapped us in.
TONY: Okay, first of all, this is not my fault. Second of all, I like dark, tight spaces.
ZIVA: Unless, of course, they insist on some form of commitment.
TONY: I was referring to my childhood bedroom.
ZIVA: Hmm.
TONY: Hmm. It looks like our smugglers have removed most of the cargo. So they're probably not coming back.
ZIVA: We're still locked in a box and freezing to death.
TONY: Somebody might have heard the gunfire.
ZIVA: Yeah, well if they did, they'd be here by now.
TONY: Ooh, you know what we could do? Fire a couple of rounds out of these ventilation shafts. Maybe someone will hear us.
ZIVA: Oh, yeah. Maybe they didn't hear the massive firefight. So let's just waste the little ammunition we have. You know what? You're brilliant. Genius!
TONY: Sarcasm is the refuge of a shallow mind. What do you suggest we do?
ZIVA: I suggest we bust out of here now.
TONY: Okay, Bugsy, I'll take care of the security guard and I'll go through the front gate.
ZIVA: (SHOUTS OVER) Tony, this is not funny! It's not funny!
TONY: I know!
TONY: What we need to do is relax and remain calm and wait.
ZIVA: For what? For them to come in with reinforcements?
TONY: For Gibbs. Trust me. He'll find us.
ZIVA: (SIGHS) I believe you. The question is, will it be before we freeze to death?
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. MTAC ROOM - DAY
SURVOY: (ON MONITOR) Our intel was wrong, Gibbs. The container isn't filled with small arms. It's a shipment of explosives.
GIBBS: C-four?
SURVOY: (ON MONITOR) Worse. Unexploded K-M-G-U cluster bomblets.
GIBBS: From where?
SURVOY: (ON MONITOR) Iraq. Al Qaeda pays kids fifty cents a day to collect the bomblets. Most of them end up dead, the lucky ones crippled. These bomblets are...
GIBBS: Highly unstable. Yeah. I'd say that's worse.
SURVOY: (ON MONITOR) French intelligence out of Dakar believes they may have been loaded onto a Senegalese ship last week.
GIBBS: Last week?! Why are we just hearing about this today?
SURVOY: (ON MONITOR) Have you ever worked with the French, Gibbs?
(INTERCUT FLASHBACK SCENE)
GIBBS: Yeah, a few times.
SURVOY: (ON MONITOR) Then you know what I'm up against.
GIBBS: I've got two agents down at the docks. I need more than "they may have been loaded on a Senegalese ship", Tom.
SURVOY: (ON MONITOR) We're working on it, Jethro. Just tell your people to be careful.
GIBBS: (TO MCGEE) Where are they now, McGee?
MCGEE: Tony said that they were relocating.
GIBBS: Why?
MCGEE: Said that they had new intel.
GIBBS: Are you waiting for me to say please?
MCGEE: I couldn't make it out. The phone reception was already hinky before I lost them.
GIBBS: Well un-lose them! I don't want them touching anything without a bomb squad present!
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. CONTAINER - DAY
TONY: Pinch me now! Another crate of movies! Look at them all! Maybe there's a crate full of DVD players in here.
ZIVA: Ooh, let's not forget the battery operated generators and the pop corn machines!
TONY: I'm open to all things cinema.
ZIVA: Huh. They're East Indian. Bollywood. No subtitles.
TONY: It's low on the list of genres, I know. But extremely babe-heavy. Where are the small arms? I mean, why would they shoot at us over copies of "Kuch Kuch Hota Hai?"
ZIVA: Does it matter? We need to get out of here, Tony.
TONY: Yeah, I heard that the first fifty times you said it. Hey, you're not claustrophobic, are you?
ZIVA: No!
TONY: Because I'm telling you, that would be another nail in the shoe of my day.
ZIVA: What if we blow a hole at the bottom of this door, near where the bolt is?
TONY: Porquoi?
ZIVA: It might enable us to jam something under it and force it open.
TONY: Not liking it. Firing a bullet in the air... it's bound to ricochet...
(SFX: BULLET FIRES/RICOCHETS AROUND THE CONTAINER)
TONY: Ha! As I was saying, there's a good chance the bullet might ricochet and kill one of us!
ZIVA: Sorry.
TONY: Why are you on top of me?
ZIVA: I'm protecting you, Tony.
TONY: Don't.
ZIVA: Well you didn't seem to mind when we were undercover.
TONY: That might have something to do with the fact that you were naked.
ZIVA: Perhaps if it were warmer in here. Hm?
TONY: Let me rephrase the question. Why are you still on top of me?
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY
MCGEE: Our last contact with them was here, the North Expansion. They were checking out a West African cargo chip that pulled in two days ago.
GIBBS: What about the GPS stuff in their phones?
MCGEE: Well, see, that's the strange thing. Their cell phone reception is bad around the docks, but their GPS chip should not be effected. They run on a separate satellite networks, and we should be able to pick them up anyway.
GIBBS: Should, McGee?
MCGEE: For some reason we can't. Um... phones. Phones could be turned off. Chips could be disabled. They could be in a structure that is blocking the GPS signal.
GIBBS: Like the hold of a ship?!
MCGEE: Uh, possibly. You know, I'm thinking that they might be waiting to get into a better cell reception area before calling in.
GIBBS: Maybe doesn't cut it, McGee. You should have let me know.
MCGEE: I know. Uh... see, the thing is you were busy, Boss. You were in the restroom.
GIBBS: Have you ever had a conversation in the head, McGee?
MCGEE: One time I did. The person that I was talking to - they were so distracted - my shoes, they kind of got.... Sorry, I should have... should have let you know.
GIBBS: Don't apologize. It's a sign of weakness. Let's find them before DiNozzo blows both his arms off.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. CONTAINER - DAY
(SFX: TONY TURNS THE CRATE OVER)
TONY: This doesn't make any sense.
ZIVA: Maybe this isn't the container they used to smuggle their weapons.
TONY: This is the only container that wasn't sealed. The rest of them are closed.
ZIVA: They off-loaded them already?
TONY: That might explain how they got automatic weapons. We're missing something.
ZIVA: Besides warmth?
TONY: Ziva David, does this space seem different to you?
ZIVA: Define different.
TONY: Does it seem smaller than the outside dimension? Usually containers are forty feet long. This one's only thirty four on the inside. Somebody's been doing renovations.
ZIVA: Plywood.(SFX: (KNOCK ON WOOD)
(SFX: WOOD BREAKING)
ZIVA: Not bad. I can almost forgive you now.
TONY: For what?
ZIVA: For locking us in this box.
TONY: Ladies first.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. CONCEALED COMPARTMENT - DAY
TONY: (V.O.) What do you see?
ZIVA: Trouble. Arabic script.
TONY: What does that say?
ZIVA: This end up. Handle with care. Caution: explosive ordnance.
TONY: A bomb?
ZIVA: I think so, yes.
TONY: And uh... what does this say exactly?
ZIVA: Death to America.
TONY: Ah great. Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
ZIVA: Perhaps if it involves a violent and painful death.
(MUSIC OUT)
MUSIC IN:
INT. CONCEALED COMPARTMENT - DAY
TONY: Ah!
ZIVA: Careful. This may be booby-trapped a dozen different ways.
TONY: So why are we opening it again?
ZIVA: Because if it is a bomb, it may be armed.
TONY: Hey listen, if this thing goes off, I just want you to know...
ZIVA: This is not your fault. I know.
TONY: Uh, no. I was going to say your life would have had more meaning if you'd slept with me.
ZIVA: If you had anything else on your mind, perhaps I would have.
TONY: Really?
ZIVA: Um, no. Ready?
TONY: Hold on.
(MUSIC OVER ACTION)
TONY: All right. Up a... up an inch.
ZIVA: No visible wires. Proceed. Oh my god!
TONY: Well, I didn't expect to see that.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. CONTAINER - DAY
TONY: There's got to be millions in here. More than enough to bankroll one hell of a terrorist op. These DVDs were just decoys to get through Customs. I'll tell you what. When we get out of here, I'm going to buy you a house. But it's going to have to be a fake house because these are counterfeit.
ZIVA: How can you tell?
TONY: The Treasury ran a workshop with us. First, they're freshly printed.
ZIVA: Your Treasury prints millions everyday.
TONY: So do countries like Syria and North Korea. The hundred dollar bill hasn't been redesigned since ninety-six which makes it very vulnerable to this kind of counterfeit.
ZIVA: Still that doesn't explain how you know they're fake.
TONY: The ink. It smells.
ZIVA: Yes, like ink.
TONY: Well, our money doesn't smell. Here. Try it. Give it a little sniff.
ZIVA: Ooh, god! That smells like stale alcohol and... your armpit.
TONY: Yeah, the point is, it doesn't smell like ink. Now, there's only one way to know for sure. If it burns orange, it's real.
ZIVA: Impressive, but irrelevant. Real or not, our friends are coming back for it.
TONY: They may already be here.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. SECURITY OFFICE - DAY
LAKE: Your people checked in with me at seven oh six. DiNozzo and David, right? They were surveilling containers for illegal contraband from West Africa.
GIBBS: That's them.
LAKE: Well, they're staked out by the dock on the North Expansion.
GIBBS: Not anymore.
MCGEE: They changed their post.
LAKE: See, now this is... I've got to tell you something. I made it very clear to them that any change of plans goes through this office. Where are they now?
GIBBS: Well, that would be the purpose of this visit, Mister Lake. We lost contact.
LAKE: So for all we know they're out there wandering around somewhere lost.
GIBBS: My people don't get lost!
LAKE: Agent Gibbs, this is one of the largest ports on the East Coast. Believe me, it happens all the time. Matthew?
MATTHEW: Sir?
LAKE: Do me a favor. We've got two missing Feds. Take a team and sweep the sectors by the North Expansion. Call me when you find them.
MATTHEW: You got it.
LAKE: You're welcome to wait here while we locate them.
MCGEE: Mister Lake, it would be helpful if we could review the security camera footage.
LAKE: Yeah, sure. I'll have one of my tecs work on it. Hey, what kind of contraband were they looking for?
GIBBS: Arms shipment. Explosives.
LAKE: What ship? We're going to have to lock it down, and search it container by container.
MCGEE: Our intel indicates that it might be Senegalese.
LAKE: Might be? Meaning you don't have any idea?
GIBBS: No. Not yet.
LAKE: Do you have any idea who busy we are here? Right now I've got three ships sailing under the Senegalese flag. Two more coming in on Thursday. Well how accurate is your intelligence? (BEAT) Do you guys know how many intel BOLOs I get in one week? And how many of them turn out to be false alarms? I'm going to need more than chatter before you disrupt the port.
GIBBS: Yeah? Well I need to find my people. (INTO PHONE) Abby?
LAKE: Is he always like that?
MCGEE: Yeah, pretty much.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. CONTAINER - DAY
TONY: (COUNTING) One million, eight hundred, twenty. One million...
ZIVA: Counting your riches King Cole?
TONY: Midas. King Cole had a merry old soul. That's one hundred twenty million... thanks. You made me lose count again.
ZIVA: Good. Now you can put your soul to good use.
TONY: Doing what?
ZIVA: Helping me set up this defensive perimeter.
TONY: Ah, actually I was warming to your earlier idea of getting us out of here. If we burn these bills...
ZIVA: We'll die of smoke inhalation, Tony.
TONY: Oh, no no no no no. Look up. Heat rises, right? So the smoke is going to out through these ventilation slots and draw attention to our position. Not to mention the added benefit of heat production.
ZIVA: Are you serious?
TONY: Well, it makes more sense than firing a gun inside a metal box, now doesn't it? Don't worry about a thing. The worse thing that can happen is it gets a little smoky in here. It's kind of fun.(TONY BEGINS LIGHTING THE BILLS ON FIRE)
ZIVA: Um... it's a little crazy, actually.
TONY: Ha ha! Now that feels good.
ZIVA: Okay, well, it's a little warmer.
TONY: Whoa!
ZIVA: Whoa! Hey, that's a lot of fire!(F/X: BURNING ASHES BLOW AROUND THE CONTAINER INTERIOR)
TONY: Here we go. Out the ventilation shaft.
(SFX: ZIVA COUGHS B.G.)
(SFX: TONY SHOUTS/FANS THE ASHES)
TONY: It's okay. It's okay.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. LAB - DAY
ABBY: (INTO PHONE) I can barely hear you, Gibbs. (BEGIN TELEPHONE INTERCUTS)
(SCENE CUT)
ABBY: (V.O./FILTERED) Where are you?
GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Norfolk Port Authority.
(SCENE CUT)
GIBBS: (V.O./FILTERED) We're sending over a surveillance (STATIC)
ABBY: (INTO PHONE) Surveillance what?
(SCENE CUT)
GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Videos. I want you to look at this morning's recording (STATIC).... of the North Expan....
(SCENE CUT)
GIBBS: (V.O./FILTERED) ... and three.
ABBY: (INTO PHONE) For what, exactly?
(SCENE CUT)
GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Anything of Tony and Ziva.
(SCENE CUT)
ABBY: (INTO PHONE) Tony and Ziva aren't here, Gibbs.
(SCENE CUT)
GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) I know that, Abby!
(SCENE CUT)
GIBBS: (V.O./FILTERED) We're looking for them!
ABBY: (INTO PHONE) Are they missing?
(SCENE CUT)
(GIBBS DIALS THE PHONE)
(SFX: DIAL TONE)
(SCENE CUT)
ABBY: (INTO PHONE) Hold on, okay? I've got another call coming in. Abby Sciuto, NCIS.
(SCENE CUT)
GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Find Tony and Ziva, Abs! The videos are on their way...
(SCENE CUT)
GIBBS: (V.O./FILTERED) ... To you right now.
ABBY: (INTO PHONE) Can I talk to McGee?
(SCENE CUT)
MCGEE: (INTO PHONE) Why?
ABBY: (V.O./FILTERED) Because...
(SCENE CUT)
ABBY: (INTO PHONE) I need to know what codec they use for...
(SCENE CUT)
ABBY: (V.O./FILTERED) .... Encoding their video.
(SFX: GIBBS BANGS THE RECEIVER ON THE DESK)
MCGEE: (INTO PHONE) Hello?
ABBY: (V.O./FILTERED) What happened...
(SCENE CUT)
ABBY: (INTO PHONE) ... To Tony and Ziva?
MCGEE: (V.O./FILTERED) Ah...
(SCENE CUT)
MCGEE: (INTO PHONE) Abby, it's not a really good time right now.
(SCENE CUT)
ABBY: (INTO PHONE) You'd better call me...
(SCENE CUT)
ABBY: (V.O./FILTERED) As soon as you're Gibbs-free, McGee!
(SCENE CUT)
MCGEE: (V.O./FILTERED) I will. I will.
ABBY: (INTO PHONE) Promise me!
(SCENE CUT)
MCGEE: (INTO PHONE) Abby, I promise! Okay?
(END TELEPHONE INTERCUTS)
LAKE: Okay, transfer is complete. Copy of all of our security footage since the time that your agents arrived.
GIBBS: Where are those Senegalese ships docked?
LAKE: Piers Five Alpha, Three Tango, and Six Delta.
GIBBS: I want to see them.
MCGEE: I think that means we go with him.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. CONTAINER - DAY
(SFX: ZIVA COUGHS B.G.)
ZIVA: Definitely your worst idea yet.
TONY: No, my worst idea was challenging a date to an oyster eating contest.
ZIVA: The air in here is like soup. Do you want to give me a hand with this, please?!
TONY: Sure. So riddle me this, Bat girl. How does one wrangle an invite to dinner at your place?
ZIVA: Why? You feel a little left out, Tony?
TONY: I mean, McGee I can understand. He's a good guest. I'll bet he brought a bottle of wine.
ZIVA: And dessert.
TONY: Yeah, big surprise there. But Palmer.... I've had more stimulating conversations with cats.
ZIVA: I like him. And he was very helpful to me.
TONY: How?
ZIVA: He tuned my piano.
TONY: I used to play piano.
ZIVA: But not anymore?
TONY: My mother forced me to take lessons from this woman who used to hit me with a ruler every time I made a mistake. I haven't played since.
ZIVA: Were you any good?
TONY: Yeah, I actually was.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. LAB - DAY
DUCKY: I need you to re-sample the histo-pathology for me. Is something wrong?
ABBY: Why does he do that, Ducky?
DUCKY: Who?
ABBY: Gibbs. Why does he withhold? He wants me to check the Northfolk Terminal Security video for Tony and Ziva.
DUCKY: Oh, it's probably nothing.
ABBY: Oh, no. It's something. Gibbs can smell the rotten cabbage in the middle of the pile.
DUCKY: Do you think Tony and Ziva are in trouble?
ABBY: I'm thinking that's what Gibbs is thinking.
DUCKY: Then we do have cause for concern.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. CONTAINER - DAY
TONY: Very well done, darling. But where are we going to put the divan? Actually, you know, it looks pretty good. I particularly like your firing slots.
ZIVA: Of course, against automatic weapons it'll disintegrate in thirty seconds.
TONY: Yeah. What is it about danger and uncertainty that makes me feel so....
ZIVA: Horny?
TONY: Hungry. I'd kill for a pizza right now. What?
ZIVA: You don't have to joke about it. It's all right to admit you're scared.
TONY: You've obviously never seen a Steve McQueen movie.
ZIVA: Why must you equate everything in life to your stupid movies?
TONY: Now see, that's your problem. You have no fantasy life.
ZIVA: Oh, you couldn't be more wrong!
TONY: Yeah, really. Okay, well then, throw one out there. Let's hear a Ziva David fantasy.
ZIVA: It concerns you.
TONY: Ooh, I'm all ears.
ZIVA: And a Sumo wrestler.
TONY: You can stop there.
ZIVA: You see, it's all about hot women and brave men to you. Anything deeper and you shut it down.
TONY: That's not true. I like a lot of deep movies. Pick a genre, any genre.
ZIVA: Okay, best dating movie.
TONY: Night Of The Living Dead. I'm kidding. Tom Jones. Eating as s*x.
ZIVA: Best s*x movie.
TONY: Body Heat. William Hurt, Kathleen Turner. Smart noir. I like the whole sweaty, chairs-through-glass-doors, thing.
ZIVA: Yeah, I prefer the air conditioner on. And if anybody threw a chair through my door, I would probably shoot them.
TONY: Did you just reveal something about your s*x life?
ZIVA: Obliquely.
TONY: I'm stunned because you never talk about yourself. Why is that?
ZIVA: Maybe I like a little privacy.
TONY: No, I understand. But we could die here. I mean, you know, we're in a cold metal box. So give me something. Happiest moment? Most embarrassing moment? First time you realized Daddy wasn't perfect. (LONG BEAT) Okay, I'll tell you mine.
ZIVA: We're not sharing.
(SFX: ITEMS FALL TO THE GROUND)
(SFX: FORKLIFT B.G.)
ZIVA: We're being lifted by a forklift.
[SCENE_BREAK]
EXT. PORT AUTHORITY - DAY
GIBBS: See if you can find their vehicle, McGee.
MCGEE: On it.
GIBBS: What time's that ship scheduled to get underway?
LAKE: They're still off-loading, so some time tomorrow afternoon.
MCGEE: (V.O.) Hey Boss, I found it! It's locked.
GIBBS: Find them, McGee. Spread out! (TO LAKE) How many times do these containers come and go on a given day?
LAKE: On this dock, thousands.
GIBBS: You know what this is?
LAKE: That's a blood trail.
GIBBS: Do you still think this is just chatter, Lake?
MCGEE: (V.O.) Boss?
GIBBS: What do you got, McGee?
(MUSIC OUT)
MUSIC IN:
EXT. PORT AUTHORITY - DAY
MCGEE: Now this is where the blood trail stops, Boss.
GIBBS: You mean starts.
MCGEE: Ah, yes, that's what I mean. Now I've broken the area into four sections. Area One over here is where all the action seems to have been centered. We've recovered three different types of brass. It must have been one hell of a gunfight.
GIBBS: Yeah, well I'll bet Tony and Ziva thought so, McGee. They were right here.
MCGEE: Well, we recovered the other two types of brass from over there where the blood trail started. Back there.
GIBBS: They were caught in a crossfire.
MCGEE: Now look, Boss. Boss. You don't... you don't think they're... should we put divers in the water or...?
GIBBS: They're not in the water. McGee, if they were in the water, they'd be dead, McGee. If they were dead, I'd know about it. They're not dead.
LAKE: All right, my people have been rounding up dock workers. So far no one heard any gunfire.
GIBBS: I want to find out if there were any other containers here.
LAKE: Yeah, well we're compiling a manifest of every container off-loaded from the ship. If they've left the port we'll find them.
GIBBS: If not?
LAKE: Are you asking me to search every container still in port?
GIBBS: No. I'm ordering you. Make it happen, McGee.
(PASSAGE OF TIME)
DUCKY: They shot him three times.
GIBBS: At least they got one of them, Duck.
DUCKY: Can I ask where they are?
GIBBS: Not if you're expecting an answer.
DUCKY: What does your gut tell you?
GIBBS: Tell me about this guy.
DUCKY: Twenty five to thirty five years old. Mortally wounded. He was able to run about fifty yards before a massive loss of blood brought him down. And someone dragged him in here. Foreign born.
GIBBS: You got his I.D.?
DUCKY: No, dental work. No caps or crowns. The work is primitive. And I thought England was bad.
GIBBS: Third world?
DUCKY: I should say so. Oh, something else you may be interested in. These hands are soft. No discernable callouses.
GIBBS: He's not a dock worker.
DUCKY: Well, I'll know more when I get him back. You'll find them, Jethro.
GIBBS: Is that a question or statement, Duck?
DUCKY: More of a prayer.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. CONTAINER - DAY
TONY: You know, under normal circumstances, this would be considered fun.
ZIVA: Yeah, well I can't tell where we're going.
TONY: Well, there's only three ways we're going to get there. Train...
ZIVA: That's quaint. We'd be like the homos in those old movies.
TONY: Hobos, not homos. That would be my third choice.
ZIVA: The ship?
TONY: That's my second choice.
ZIVA: Days without food or water.
(SFX: TRUCK B.G.)
ZIVA: Sounds like a truck.(SFX: VOICES B.G.)
TONY: That's my first choice. (SHOUTS) Hey, let us out of here!
(SFX: TONY KNOCKS ON THE SIDE OF THE CONTAINER)
ZIVA: (QUIETLY) Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!
TONY: Okay. Maybe if I fired a shot out of here they'd know that we were in here.
ZIVA: That's not a good idea. That's not a good idea.
TONY: Okay.
ZIVA: You're assuming whoever's driving doesn't know we're here. If they do, they can't leave the port with us aboard. They'll take us back inside and they'll deal with us first.
TONY: Right. Right. Okay, I have a plan. We build a time machine.
ZIVA: We could leave a trail?
TONY: Sorry, Gretel, I left all my bread crumbs back at the office.
ZIVA: Well then it's a good thing we've got all this dough.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. LAB - DAY
ABBY: I'm starting to get really freaked out here, Gibbs. I found Tony and Ziva....(BEGIN TELEPHONE INTERCUT)
(SCENE CUT)
ABBY: (V.O./FILTERED) .... On the Port video, but I don't think it's enough.
GIBBS: It's all right, Abs.
(SCENE CUT)
ABBY: I just... I feel like I'm failing them and I...
GIBBS: (V.O./FILTERED) Just take us through it.
(SCENE CUT)
GIBBS: Start with Pier Three.
ABBY: (V.O./FILTERED) Okay. Are you getting this too, McGee?
MCGEE: Yep. Transmission is good.
(SCENE CUT)
ABBY: All right. Their car ....
(SCENE CUT)
ABBY: (V.O./FILTERED) ...Pulled up at seven fifty seven.
(SCENE CUT)
ABBY: They got out, and then they leave two minutes and thirty two seconds later.
GIBBS: (V.O./FILTERED) Anyone else...
(SCENE CUT)
GIBBS: ...In the car?
(SCENE CUT)
ABBY: No.
GIBBS: (V.O./FILTERED) Take me to the other location, Abby.
[SCENE_BREAK]
EXT. PORT AUTHORITY - DAY
(SFX: FORK LIFT DRIVES PAST)
(SFX: TRUCK HORN HONKS)
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. CONTAINER - DAY
TONY: Okay, you stick with that. I'm going to see if the reception is any better.
(SFX: TELEPHONE BEEP TONES)
TONY: Nothing. What we need is a better antenna. I think a wire would work. Any kind of conductor, really. Hey, your necklace. We can attach it to the end of the antennae and slip it out of the slot.
ZIVA: Cell phone antennas are vertical. The wire can't dangle.
TONY: Well, we need to stiffen it, Ziva.
ZIVA: I've heard that before.
TONY: Work with me here. We can slice the spines off these DVDs and sandwich it in between.
ZIVA: Oh!
TONY: Are you okay?
ZIVA: Yes. I still need something to reflect off.
TONY: The side of the container.
ZIVA: The angle needs to be precise, Tony.
TONY: The response I'm looking for here is, "Cool Tony!"
ZIVA: I'm saying it might work.
TONY: When this is all over we're going to watch Kuch Kuch Hoda Kai.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. LAB - NIGHT
ABBY: ABBY: This is where it gets disturbing. (ON MONITOR) It's like looking at an Escher print. I was able to isolate (ON CAMERA) four segments. At eight sixteen I have them getting out of the North Expansion sector. Then at this point they walk out of frame. Another camera picked them up at (ON MONITOR) eight nineteen. (CONT. ON CAMERA) You see them here, (ON MONITOR) and then here. And they have their guns drawn. The problem is that there's another container blocking the camera. Now, look at the bottom left (ON CAMERA) corner of your screen.
(SCENE CUT)
MCGEE: Boss, that's our dead guy.
ABBY: (ON MONITOR) I ran his photo...
(SCENE CUT)
ABBY: And I got a positive I.D., Gibbs. (ON MONITOR) Interpol identified him as Moussa (ON CAMERA) Senghor, a Senegalese (V.O./FILTERED) citizen.
(SCENE CUT)
ABBY: (V.O./FILTERED) He's on the International Terrorist Watch list.
MCGEE: Boss, Moussa Senghor has ties to Wilson N'Diaye. He's...
GIBBS: Al Qaeda money man. Financed the attack on four Bali night clubs last year. It's a good job, Abby.
ABBY: (V.O./FILTERED) The bad news is he wasn't alone.
(SCENE CUT)
ABBY: There's no I.D. on him yet.
GIBBS: (V.O./FILTERED) What else you got, Abs?
ABBY: (V.O.) Just this. (ON CAMERA) They shot the camera.
(SCENE CUT)
MCGEE: Abby, can you rewind it and pull...
(SCENE CUT)
MCGEE: (V.O./FILTERED) ... Back to the wide angle? Can you freeze it there?
(SCENE CUT)
MCGEE: Boss, I think I know what happened. These are the crime scene photos from the dock. And this is from the security camera taken earlier. The container by Ziva is missing. If they were in a crossfire...
GIBBS: They took cover inside. Abby, put another ...
(SCENE CUT)
GIBBS: (V.O.) ...CAFF-POW on my tab.
ABBY: Just one, Gibbs?
(SCENE CUT)
GIBBS: You haven't found them yet.
(END TELEPHONE INTERCUTS)
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. CONTAINER - MOVING
ZIVA: How's it coming?
TONY: My fingers aren't working.
ZIVA: Do you want me to do it?
TONY: I've got it. Just give me one of your little hair squinchie things.
ZIVA: The term is scrunchie.
TONY: Thank you. Now I've just got to figure out how to attach this thing to the cell phone.
ZIVA: We may not need to. We now have several hundred thousand dollars out there floating around. It's a matter of time before they find us.
[SCENE_BREAK]
EXT. PORT AUTHORITY - NIGHT
(MUSIC OVER ACTION/ MAN PICKS UP THE PAPER BILLS)
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. PORT AUTHORITY - NIGHT
LAKE: (V.O.) The symbol's from the company that uses this type of container. I'll tell you, Gibbs, (ON CAMERA) the problem is without a tracking number, I can't tell you where the hell this one went.
GIBBS: McGee.
MCGEE: We've got six teams covering the gates out of the port. They're intercepting each container with those markings.
GIBBS: What about the ones still in port?
LAKE: Used by this same company? Um.... approximately eight hundred and sixty two.
GIBBS: I only need one.
LAKE: Well, they're spread out all over the complex. It would take days to search them all.
GIBBS: We won't have to, Lake. How much does one of these things weigh?
LAKE: I don't know. About five tons.
GIBBS: I can't imagine they're easy to move.
LAKE: Oh, of course not. There's only two ways. A crane or a top-loader forklift.
MCGEE: Oh, there's no crane in range of the crime scene.
LAKE: So it would have to be moved by a top-loader. And we only have ten of those with maybe twenty qualified operators to drive them. Kristen.
KRISTEN: (V.O.) Sir?
LAKE: Get me a list of all the top-loading forklifts that operated in the North East Expansion today. Plus I want names of all the drivers.
KRISTEN: (V.O.) Right away, Sir.
LAKE: If we find that forklift...
MCGEE: We find who moved it.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. CONTAINER - NIGHT
(SFX: MAN'S VOICE B.G.)
ZIVA: We're backing up. Almost done?
TONY: I just got to figure out how to attach it.
ZIVA: I may be able to help you with that. (BEAT) What?
TONY: Friction burns?
ZIVA: Yeah, what difference does it make?
TONY: Ah, it doesn't. I'm just wondering how you get them.
ZIVA: Well, if you live long enough, maybe I'll tell you some day.
TONY: You know, I can only take it two ways. Were you and McGee and Palmer were playing Twister last night?
ZIVA: What's a twister?
TONY: Exactly. That means you were having--
ZIVA: Ooh!
(SFX: VOICES SHOUT B.G.)
ZIVA: If you're going to make that phone call, now is the right time to do it.
(FADE OUT)
MUSIC IN:
INT. LAB - NIGHT
ABBY: ABBY: The grooves match. All three rounds that you pulled out of toothless downstairs came from Tony's weapon. And none of the blood samples taken from the dock match Tony or Ziva's blood type. I think they're going to be okay. Tony is only one of our very best agents and Ziva.... she's basically a trained killer, right? I mean, she could take care of herself. And I got a direct link to four different GPS satellites. Either of them get an area with reception again... bam! We've got them. I really don't think that there's any reason to worry, Ducky. (CONT.) They're going to be fine. I need you to tell me they're going to be okay.
DUCKY: Of course they are.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. SECURITY OFFICE - NIGHT
GIBBS: I want every building swept room to room. Start with the vacant ones first.
MCGEE: Cell reception's unreliable in the area so all movement will be coordinated by radio. Tactical frequency is two, Admin is four.
GIBBS: Go! Go! Find them.
LAKE: Hey, Gibbs, Gibbs. I only have two top-loaders working in the Northern Expansion today. One here in Pier Seven off-loading a ship, and the other one is at an auxiliary warehouse. The drivers should still be with the rigs. I'll send some of my people--
GIBBS: We got it. Let's roll, McGee.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. CONTAINER - NIGHT
(SFX: VOICES B.G.)
TONY: You understand that gibberish?
ZIVA: A little.
TONY: What's he saying?
ZIVA: They're either discussing letting us go... or the best way to murder us. It's a complicated language!
TONY: Well, I'd go with number two.
ZIVA: Me, too. Get any reception?
TONY: Negative. I'm going to have to stick this antenna out one of the ventilation slots.
WILSON: (V.O.) If you want to live, you come out of the container now!
ZIVA: (SHOUTS) What was that?! Speak up!
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. WAREHOUSE - NIGHT
WILSON: I said, come out now, woman! Come out now or we will come in! What is your answer!?
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. CONTAINER - NIGHT
ZIVA: This.(SFX: GUNSHOT)
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. WAREHOUSE - NIGHT
(SFX: WILSON SHOUTS B.G.)
WILSON: She shot me! She shot me!
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. CONTAINER - NIGHT
ZIVA: Make your call. We only have a couple of minutes now.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. CAR - MOVING
MCGEE: Okay, I think we turn up here past this next row of warehouses.
GIBBS: You think, McGee?
MCGEE: Well, Boss, maybe if you slowed down a little I'd--
(SFX: CELL PHONE RINGS)
GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Yeah, Gibbs.
TONY: (V.O./FILTERED) Boss, it's me!
GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Tony!
TONY: (V.O./FILTERED) Yeah.
(SFX: TIRES SCREECH)
(BEGIN TELEPHONE INTERCUTS)
TONY: (INTO PHONE) Boss, it's a long story, but the really short version is that we're trapped in a container with millions in phony U.S. bills in some port building.
GIBBS: (V.O./FILTERED) You're coming in....
(SCENE CUT)
GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) .... Broken, DiNozzo. Say again.
TONY: (V.O./FILTERED) If you can hear me...
(SCENE CUT)
TONY: (INTO PHONE) .... We left a trail of money.
(SCENE CUT)
GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Money?
TONY: (V.O./FILTERED) Follow the money!
(SCENE CUT)
GIBBS: (V.O./FILTERED) ...Phone Abby...
ZIVA: Tony, get down! They're coming again!
(SCENE CUT)
GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) DiNozzo! Keep the damn phone on! Abby will find you!
TONY: (V.O./FILTERED/BROKEN) ...You can look for it, Boss. We're out of time. Hurry! We're low on ammo...
ZIVA: (V.O./FILTERED) Tony!
GIBBS: Damn it!(END TELEPHONE INTERCUTS)
GIBBS: See if you can get him back on that thing!
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. LAB - NIGHT
ABBY: I knew it, Ducky! I knew they were alive. Huh. Okay. I just need a second and I'll be able - No! No! No!
DUCKY: What's wrong?
ABBY: I lost him again.
DUCKY: But there they are. On the map.
ABBY: No, that's just a general fix. Means they're somewhere within a five hundred meter radius. If I had one more second I could have--
DUCKY: Five hundred meters is better than we were a moment ago. You'd better tell Gibbs.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. WAREHOUSE - NIGHT
(SFX: DOOR CREAKS OPEN)
(MUSIC OVER ACTION)
(SFX: RAPID GUNFIRE/WILSON SHOUTS)
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. LAB - NIGHT
ABBY: I can't get through to Gibbs or McGee.
GIBBS: Did you try them through the Port Security Office?
ABBY: I was .... just about to do that.
(SFX: TELEPHONE BEEP TONES)
(BEGIN TELEPHONE INTERCUTS)
(SCENE CUT)
LAKE: (INTO PHONE) Port Security.
ABBY: (V.O./FILTERED) I need to speak...
(SCENE CUT)
ABBY: (INTO PHONE) ... to Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs, please.
LAKE: (V.O./FILTERED) He's not here right now. If you want...
(SCENE CUT)
LAKE: (INTO PHONE) ... I can patch the message to him over the radio.
ABBY: (V.O./FILTERED) We've got a GPS...
(SCENE CUT)
ABBY: (INTO PHONE) ... Fix on our missing NCIS agents.
LAKE: Hold on. (TO AGENTS) Hey! They got a fix on the missing Feds. (INTO PHONE) What are the coordinates?
ABBY: (V.O./FILTERED) They're on the south side...
(SCENE CUT)
ABBY: (INTO PHONE) ... Within a five hundred meter radius of warehouses....
(SCENE CUT)
ABBY: (V.O./FILTERED) .... One through four.
LAKE: (INTO PHONE) Okay, hey thanks.
(END TELEPHONE INTERCUTS)
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. WAREHOUSE - NIGHT
(MUSIC OVER ACTION)
(SFX: RAPID GUNFIRE)
TONY: I'm down to four rounds. You?
ZIVA: Six but it doesn't matter.
TONY: What do you mean it doesn't matter?
(SFX: GUNFIRE)
ZIVA: Because a few more bursts like that and we're dead.
TONY: I've got an idea.
ZIVA: How come that doesn't comfort me?
TONY: (V.O.) (SHOUTS) We found your money. (ON CAMERA) Cease fire or we start burning it!
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. WAREHOUSE - NIGHT
WILSON: He's bluffing.
(TONY THROWS LIT MONEY FROM THE CONTAINER)
WILSON: Stop! Stop! What are you proposing?
TONY: (V.O.) Surrender!
WILSON: Then throw out your weapons.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. CONTAINER - NIGHT
TONY: Not us, you idiot!
ZIVA: (SHOUTS) No!
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. WAREHOUSE - NIGHT
WILSON: I think not. There's fifty million dollars in there. You'll be dead before you can burn half of it.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. CONTAINER - NIGHT
ZIVA: He's got a valid point.
TONY: We just have to stall long enough for Gibbs to find us. (LOUDLY) Ah, I just need to talk to my partner about that for a second.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. CAR - MOVING
GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Yeah, that's a solid copy, Lake. We're heading that way now.
MCGEE: Those warehouses are about two clicks from where we should make a left past these loading docks.
GIBBS: Did you see that?
MCGEE: That guy back there?
(SFX: CAR TIRES SCREECH)
GIBBS: Yeah, McGee, the one stuffing money in his pockets.
(SFX: CAR TIRES SCREECH)
(SFX: CAR DOORS OPEN)
GIBBS: NCIS!
PERKINS: I didn't steal it. I swear. I found it.
GIBBS: Where?
PERKINS: There was a container truck. It had money just floating out the back.
GIBBS: Which way? Which way?
PERKINS: It went that way.
GIBBS: Let's go.
MCGEE: Boss, that's the wrong direction. According to the GPS fix...
GIBBS: Not according to DiNozzo. He said follow the money!
(SFX: CAR TIRES SCREECH)
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. WAREHOUSE - NIGHT
(MUSIC OVER ACTION)
(SFX: RAPID GUNFIRE)
ZIVA: I'm empty.
WILSON: (V.O.) This is your last chance! Come out or you die!
TONY: So about those friction burns?
ZIVA: Only when I'm absolutely positive we're going to die.
TONY: Okay. I've got two minutes.
ZIVA: And Tony? I'm sorry I didn't invite you to dinner last night.
WILSON: (V.O.) What is your decision!
LAKE: (V.O.) Lake! Port Security! Get your hands in the air! Get on your knees! Do it! Agent DiNozzo! Agent David!
TONY: Lake?
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. WAREHOUSE - NIGHT
LAKE: You two had a lot of people worried, let me tell you.
GIBBS: Where's Gibbs?
LAKE: He's on his way. Hey, do me a favor. Cover them while I radio for some help.
ZIVA: We're out of ammo.
LAKE: Ah, gee. That's too bad. Come on, Wilson. Get up. Get the money. Get it into the van. Quickly! We don't have a lot of time. Hurry up!
WILSON: When this is over, the woman is mine!
LAKE: We'll see, Wilson. I'll be perfectly honest with you. I don't know if they're going to be alive then. (TO TONY) You know, you two almost cost me fifty million dollars.
TONY: Actually, by now it's more like ten or twelve.
ZIVA: We burned some of it.
LAKE: (SHOUTS) Do you think this is funny?!
TONY: Not me, personally.
GIBBS: (V.O.) But I do. Drop it. (TO TONY) Are you two okay?
ZIVA: No.
(F/X: ZIVA KICKS LAKE)
(SFX: LAKE GAGS)
ZIVA: Now if you gentlemen will excuse me.
TONY: Where are you going?
ZIVA: I've been locked in a box all day! The ladies room!
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. SQUAD ROOM - NIGHT
TONY: You missed a little spot by my left ear there. I'd do it myself, but my wound here prevents it.
MCGEE: Yeah, wound. It's a two inch scratch.
TONY: I was grazed by a bullet. Another six inches to the left and bam! No more DiNozzo. Under the chin, too.
MCGEE: You know what? I'm done. Do it yourself.
TONY: Fine! Just don't come to me looking for sympathy the next time you get shot.
MCGEE: Okay, you did not get shot. I talked to Ziva. You cut it on a wooden box.
TONY: Hey, there was a lot going on in that container. Nobody's exactly sure what happened. All I know is I was running for my life in a hail of gunfire.
ABBY: Tony! I was so worried...
(ABBY HUGS TONY/TONY GASPS)
ABBY: Oh my god. Are you okay?
TONY: Gunshot.
ABBY: McGee! What didn't you tell me!?
MCGEE: It's barely a scratch.
ABBY: Oh, poor baby. Who's going to drive you home?
ZIVA: I am. I'm making him dinner tonight.
(ABBY HUGS ZIVA)
ZIVA: What was that for?
ABBY: I'm glad you're not dead.
ZIVA: Oh, me, too.
ABBY: So what are you making?
ZIVA: Italian.
TONY: You cook Italian?
ABBY: Her cooking rocks, Tony! What was the name of that dish you made last night at your party?
GIBBS: Chunks. Slow cooked beef with potatoes and beans. It wasn't bad.
(MUSIC OUT) | Plan: A: a naval stockyard; Q: Where were Tony and Ziva investigating for a container with illegal weapons? A: a container; Q: Where are Tony and Ziva forced to take cover? A: attempt; Q: What did Gibbs, McGee and Abby do to search for Tony and Ziva? A: the port security office; Q: Who helped Gibbs, McGee and Abby find Tony and Ziva? A: hidden crates; Q: What did Tony and Ziva discover were crates of DVD movies inside the container? A: millions of dollars; Q: How much counterfeit money did Tony and Ziva discover in the container? A: a gunfight; Q: What do Tony and Ziva find themselves in after the container is taken away to a warehouse guarded by terrorists? A: time; Q: Gibbs and McGee are racing against what to find Tony and Ziva? A: their location; Q: What do Gibbs and McGee need to find before Tony and Ziva are killed? Summary: While investigating a naval stockyard for a container with illegal weapons, Tony and Ziva are ambushed and forced to take cover in a container, where they subsequently become locked in. Gibbs, McGee and Abby attempt to search for them with the help of the port security office. Meanwhile, Tony and Ziva discover that the crates of DVD movies inside the container served as a cover for hidden crates, which contain millions of dollars of counterfeit money. But they both find themselves in a gunfight after the container is later taken away to a warehouse guarded by terrorists, forcing Gibbs and McGee into a race against time to find their location before Tony and Ziva end up dead. |
HOSPITAL - HALLWAY
[Richard is walking with Lorelai, Rory and Emily down the hall.]
LORELAI: You're looking good, dad. I'd say you shaved a few minutes off your last lap. If I had to guess, I'd think you're clocking in at about a 45-minute mile, which puts you just behind Mrs. Abalone.
EMILY: Lorelai, really.
RICHARD: I think that's an unfair comParison. Mrs. Abalone had her bypass two whole days before mine.
LORELAI: No, no, no excuses. Your just gonna have to dig a little deeper.
RORY: Come on grandpa, just visualize Mrs. Abalone eating your dust.
EMILY: Rory, honestly.
RICHARD: No, it's all right. [Richard walks faster] How's this?
LORELAI: Wow, I would say we have a new slow-walk leader in the cardiac-recovery wing. Hey, do you hear that? [makes a sound]
RORY: What, the crowd cheering?
LORELAI: Whoo!
RORY: Yeah, grandpa!
EMILY: Would you two stop? You're making a scene.
LORELAI: [using here hand as microphone] Mr. Gilmore, congratulations on your recent victory. Any opinions about the allegations of steroid use among your fellow athletes?
RICHARD: Well I consider myself proof positive that it can be done... and done clean.
EMILY: Richard, must you encourage them?
RORY: Well excuse me, Emily. I'm getting a little stir crazy in this place.
EMILY: Well you'll be getting out of here soon enough. Oh, I forgot to tell you -- Kate and Daniel Urman called to send their regards.
RORY: Oh, hey, Mr. Gavelle.
LORELAI: Looking good, Ira.
EMILY: Well they sent a lovely floral arrangement to the house. Although personally I find white roses a little uninspiring. I think my favorite arrangement is still the one that Christopher sent. It was very tasteful and appropriate and so colorful. I mean, we're not in mourning, for heaven's sake. I'm getting very tired of white flowers. You thanked him for us?
LORELAI: Uh, yeah. Hey, so you know that young guy who's been visiting Miss Santiago in room 236? Not her son. Her boyfriend.
RORY: No!
LORELAI: Yes.
RICHARD: Girls, I don't think that's any of our business.
EMILY: But he's at least 20 years younger than she is. 32 according to the night nurse.
RORY: 32?
EMILY: He's just a boy. What could they possibly have to talk about?
LORELAI: I don't think they're doing a whole lot of talking, if you know what I mean.
EMILY: I most certainly do not know what you mean.
RICHARD: All right, that's enough. Rory, when are you heading back to Yale?
LORELAI: Oh yeah you should hit the road, huh?
RICHARD: Yeah, now remember, you owe me a full report on the T.A. That's taking over my spot. The whole semester should concentrate on microeconomics, so if this Culbertson fellow even mentions Ben Bernanke, give me a call.
RORY: I promise I will. But actually I was thinking maybe I'd hang out here with you guys a little longer and go back next week.
LORELAI: What?
EMILY: Don't be silly, Rory.
RICHARD: You're going back today.
RORY: I've only missed two days.
LORELAI: Two days? That's plenty.
RORY: But it's just the beginning of school. It doesn't matter. It's not a big deal.
LORELAI: It is a very big deal. Plus, we already decided.
RORY: Well yeah gut haven't you ever decided something and then changed your mind?
[Lorelai and Rory hand back]
LORELAI: [Just to Rory] Honey, listen, everything is gonna be fine. Grandpa's doing great. There's no reason for you to stay.
RORY: Well what if he needs something?
LORELAI: Grandma has got this place wired. She's already slipped the nurses something to keep the ice chips coming. Really, he's fine.
RORY: Okay well what about you?
LORELAI: What about me?
RORY: Well I don't want you to have to go home alone.
LORELAI: Oh, I'm fine.
RORY: Yeah but dad hasn't been home.
LORELAI: Well, he's with Gigi At his mom's.
RORY: Okay, but for how long?
LORELAI: I don't know, honey. He just said he needed some time.
RORY: How much time?
LORELAI: He didn't say. L-look, I've had my hands full here, so I really didn't want to get into it over the phone.
RORY: Well do you want me to call him and just see what's going on?
LORELAI: Absolutely not.
RORY: Well, what is his problem? I mean it was just a character reference.
LORELAI: Hey, don't worry about it. It's between me and your dad. And we're gonna work it out, okay?
RORY: Okay.
LORELAI: "Okay" like you're gonna go back to school like our original deal?
RORY: I will go back to school. However, for future reference, the next time we have a conversation where I say, "maybe Friday," that does not mean that we have struck a deal.
LORELAI: See I remember you saying "absolutely, definitely, positively Friday."
RORY: Oh, so it's you know, your word against mine?
LORELAI: It's a classic case of she said, she said.
RORY: Hmm.
LORELAI: Hi, Mrs. Santiago.
RORY: Her boyfriend, really?
LORELAI: She's got a nice butt.
RORY: What?
LORELAI: What? It's the hospital gowns. Believe me. I wish I did not know that.
OPENING CREDITS
DRAGONFLY INN - INTERIOR
[Lorelai enters the front door]
MALE STAFF: You're back.
LORELAI: I'm back, thanks for the call.
CHRISTY: Hey, how's your dad?
LORELAI: Oh he's great, thanks. How was the Wilson wedding?
I can't believe she added 15 people at the last minute.
CHRISTY: I know right it took us an hour to get the extra rooms ready, but we sent welcome baskets up like you said, and everyone seemed fine.
LORELAI: Even the mother-in-law?
CHRISTY: She was awful.
LORELAI: She's a beast.
[Lorelai enters the kitchen]
LORELAI: Hey!
SOOKIE: There she is!
LORELAI: yeah.
SOOKIE: So?
LORELAI: Well, he made his nurse go get him a wall street journal this morning.
SOOKIE: That's good! That's a good sign!
LORELAI: Yeah, he's doing better. And hey thanks for the cookies. They were a big hit.
SOOKIE: Oh, good. [Giggles] With these cravings, all I feel like cooking is chili with cayenne pepper and extra onions, but I didn't think chili with cayenne peppers and extra onions, cookies would go over well with your parents.
LORELAI: Well tell them it's exotic and expensive, and they'll love it.
SOOKIE: The little one has a spicy palate, huh? Yeah, except for the cauliflower thing. He or she has got a huge cauliflower thing.
LORELAI: Also not a good cookie. [Too Michel] Oh, hi.
MICHEL: Hello, Lorelai. Welcome back.
LORELAI: Thanks. What's with the dog?
SOOKIE: Yeah why is that here?
MICHEL: I assume you're talking about Paw-Paw.
SOOKIE: I'm talking about the furry thing that you know you're not supposed to bring to work due to the fact that many of our guests do not enjoy finding dog hairs in their Lobster bisque.
MICHEL: I had no choice but to bring him in today. Paw-Paw could not be left alone. His brother Chin-Chin passed away last night.
LORELAI: Michel, I'm so sorry.
MICHEL: Paw-Paw is beside himself.
SOOKIE: I'm really sorry, Michel.
MICHEL: You didn't even like him.
SOOKIE: Sure, I did. That little guy!
MICHEL: You called him a walking flea circus.
LORELAI: Yeah. Chin-Chin was a wonderful dog, Michel.
MICHEL: Thank you.
SOOKIE: Yeah, yeah. Remember at the labor day picnic, I dropped my sandwich, and I was like, "oh, great, now I've got to clean this all up." And Chin-Chin just came in and scooped it up, and saved me that trip.
MICHEL: That was Paw-Paw.
SOOKIE: What? No!
MICHEL: [getting angry] I was standing right there. That was Paw-Paw who ate your sandwich. Chin-Chin didn't even like barbecue.
SOOKIE: Oh, well, still.
MICHEL: [more angry] Still what?! Are your two stinky little children interchangeable?
SOOKIE: [now angry also] Hey! Excuse me!
LORELAI: What Sookie means to say and what I mean to say is we're very sorry for your loss.
MICHEL: Thank you, Lorelai. He was always such a sweet little dog. What a personality. So warm.
LORELAI: Warm. Yes. And, um, fuzzy and...
MICHEL: I just can't believe he's gone. It doesn't feel real. I miss him so much.
LORELAI: Well, you should have a memorial or something.
SOOKIE: Yeah, that's a good idea.
MICHEL: Oh. I suppose it is.
LORELAI: Yeah it'll give you and Paw-Paw a chance to say goodbye.
MICHEL: That might be nice. Could you do it by tomorrow?
LORELAI: Me? What?
MICHEL: If you're going to put together a memorial, it should be soon.
LORELAI: Uh...yeah, sure. Tomorrow would be fine.
MICHEL: All right, that sounds fine. Well, I guess I should get started on the guest list. There are so many people who will want to pay their respects. Paw-Paw, come on.
[Michel leaves, Lorelai and Sookie go to the front desk]
LORELAI: Any objections to holding a chow funeral, speak now, although it's already too late.
SOOKIE: Oh it's a nice idea, though. He was so upset.
LORELAI: Yeah.
SOOKIE: I could have sworn the sandwich dog was Chin-Chin.
LORELAI: It was hard to tell the difference between them. They were both so...
SOOKIE: Aloof.
LORELAI: I was gonna say obnoxious.
SOOKIE: Well that too.
LORELAI: I think Chin-Chin was the one who was aloof, obnoxious, and a biter.
SOOKIE: That's right.
LORELAI: Yeah.
PARIS AND DOYLE'S APARTMENT
[Rory comes home, Paris still has the whiteboards everywhere.]
PARIS: Oh, good. You're back.
RORY: Yeah, I'm back.
PARIS: I went to the Sigma Chi party without you. I was going to wait, but I didn't know when you'd be back, so I decided to just go ahead and do it.
RORY: Well, that's fine, Paris.
PARIS: I know it's fine. It was on the schedule. What was I supposed to do, stop my life because you were gone?
RORY: Ah no, but I'm glad that you went. Um, that's great. How was it?
PARIS: Asinine. You didn't miss anything. Here, I wrote a summary. And here's your mail. I flagged your bills.
RORY: Oh, thanks, Paris.
PARIS: So, how are you?
RORY: Oh, I'm okay.
PARIS: And Richard?
RORY: Oh he's really good. They're gonna keep him for another night, then he should be able to go home.
PARIS: It was a myocardial infarction?
RORY: Yeah, a heart attack.
PARIS: Is he going on beta blockers?
RORY: I don't know.
PARIS: If he can tolerate them, he should. They reduce the risk of death following a heart attack by about 25%. Of course he'll have to implement a few lifestyle changes, but you tell him if Bill Clinton can give up cheese fries and pork grits, he can get by without his 5:00 martini.
RORY: I will pass that along.
PARIS: Good. Anyway, I'm glad he's okay.
RORY: Yeah, me too. That was scary.
PARIS: I'll bet. [pause] So, I downloaded your reading lists, and I went to the bookstore and hid copies of your books so you wouldn't get stuck buying used ones with some idiot's comments in the margins. And here, I made you a copy of the notes from our "history of feminism" seminar since you missed the first class.
RORY: Oh, thanks, Paris. What's with the blacked-out section?
PARIS: Well I'm happy to share the things the teacher said to the general public, but I'm not about to share my insights into the material.
RORY: Mmm.
PARIS: Don't give me that look. If there's one thing I learned in that lecture it's there's not room for many women at the top.
RORY: Gloria Steinem would be so proud.
PARIS: Whatever. The facts speak for themselves. Nadine Strossen is the head of the ACLU, not Nadine Strossen and her very best friend. Oh, we're supposed to choose a paper topic by Friday, but I'm sure you can swing an extension if you play the grandfather card.
RORY: I will have a topic picked. I don't need to play the grandfather card because my grandfather is fine.
PARIS: Okay. So, are you ready to trade?
RORY: Trade what?
PARIS: Résumés. It's on the schedule. We're supposed to trade résumés today and get back to each other by tomorrow morning with questions or comments.
RORY: I forgot. I've been at the hospital for two days.
PARIS: So much for not playing the grandfather card.
RORY: No, there's no card. I just mean that I haven't gotten around to it. I will get you my résumé by tomorrow.
PARIS: Fine. By "résumé" you mean "résumés," right?
RORY: How many do we need?
PARIS: I have 21 versions, each one tailored to a particular job in a particular field -- grad school, law school, med school, fellowships, jobs on newspapers, jobs on the business side of newspapers, jobs working for multimedia conglomerations, jobs working for quote unquote "the little guy," jobs in the public sector, I.E. Internships in Washington, for which there are three different versions based on whether or not I'm applying to work for a democrat, a republican, or a Joe Lieberman.
RORY: Wow. [Sees a box on the counter] When did this get here?
PARIS: Yesterday. Anyway, like I was saying it's important to tailor your résumés to your potential employers. You think Harvard law school is looking for the same skill set as NASA?
RORY: [Starts opening the box] Probably not. Funnily enough, neither Harvard law school nor NASA are on my list. So, I'll get you my résumés tonight. Oh, look, it's from Logan -- second-semester senior survival kit. There's a datebook and a stress ball, a magnetic poetry kit, bags and bags of coffee beans, something called an inspirational marble keepsake with the words "anything's possible" engraved on it. Don't worry. I'll keep it in my room.
PARIS: Oh! This is a beer funnel. I saw one at the party last night.
[Rory picks up the phone and using speed dial makes a call]
RORY: Logan, thank you.
[Logan's in a coffee shop in New York City]
LOGAN: You got the package?
RORY: Yeah, finally someone gave me an inspirational keepsake.
LOGAN: Are you inspired? Next year, baby, anything's possible.
RORY: Yeah, I know I hear you loud and clear and heavy.
LOGAN: Good, because the world is your oyster, to quote the other inspirational keepsake I was considering. How's it being back? How you doing you doing okay?
RORY: Yeah, I'm fine.
LOGAN: Because if you want me to come up tonight...
RORY: Oh no, I'll see you on Sunday.
LOGAN: Okay, but if you change your mind...
RORY: You'll be here. Logan, I cannot thank you enough. You've just been really great throughout this whole thing.
LOGAN: No way you don't get to thank me for that. It comes with the territory. Hey Rory, my 10:00 coffee just showed.
RORY: Go. I've got a 10:00 cereal waiting for me.
LOGAN: I'll call you later?
RORY: Sounds good.
LOGAN: I love you.
RORY: You, too. [ends the call]
PARIS: What's with the gooney look?
RORY: Hmm?
PARIS: Your face. It's right out of a harlequin romance.
RORY: He's just been so great. I mean he's really been there for me for the past couple days. I had to practically send him away from the hospital yesterday.
PARIS: I know. It's amazing. I never thought you guys were gonna last.
RORY: What?
PARIS: I'm just being honest. I mean Logan Huntzberger? Between the women and the drinking, that kid was on the Colin Farrell freeway about to pull over into the Robert Downey jr. Rest stop.
RORY: I get it, Paris.
PARIS: What I'm trying to say is, he's changed. You changed him. It's amazing. I'm rarely this wrong.
RORY: Well, thanks.
PARIS: Don't get me wrong. Doyle was quite the ladies' man, as well. Now, he's down for the count. The other night, he wanted to play "let's think up baby names" in bed.
RORY: Really?
PARIS: Yeah. I mean, let's face it. We took two wild stallions, and we broke them.
RORY: I don't think I really "broke" Logan.
PARIS: Oh, you broke him. You broke him hard. You can open the gate, and he's not going to bolt. You can kick him with a spur, and he's not going to spook. You own him.
RORY: Paris, stop. That's ridiculous. I think I'm gonna go work on my résumés.
PARIS: Hey, let's make them go out and get tattoos. It'll be like we branded them.
DRAGONFLY INN - FRONT DESK
[Lorelai is helping some customers. Michel is waiting off to the side.]
MR. CANNOLD: It says here "12% sales tax." And that is?
LORELAI: The percentage of sales tax Connecticut mandates. I know. It's outrageous.
MRS. CANNOLD: Harold, I've already paid the bill.
MR. CANNOLD: And this is the room rate.
LORELAI: Times three nights. Yep.
MR. CANNOLD: Okay, and what is this charge for, exactly, under room service?
LORELAI: That's...for the room service that you ordered. Would you like to see an itemized copy?
MRS. CANNOLD: No.
MR. CANNOLD: Yes.
MRS. CANNOLD: That's it. I'm leaving. Thank you for your patience.
LORELAI: No problem.
MRS. CANNOLD: Are you coming?
MR. CANNOLD: Yeah.
LORELAI: Thank you. Bye.
MICHEL: So, are you ready to talk?
LORELAI: Oh, sure.
MICHEL: Let's go to the library.
LORELAI: Okay.
DRAGONFLY INN - LIBRARY
[Sookie is waiting]
MICHEL: Please sit down. [They all sit down, Michel has a large folder.] Okay, I'm ready to hear your ideas for the funeral.
[Lorelai and Sookie clearly have nothing ready]
LORELAI: Okay. Um...gosh, our ideas. Well, we've got so many ideas.
SOOKIE: So, so many. Why don't you start with, uh, the ideas?
LORELAI: Okay. Um, well, first of all, we thought we'd put him in a box.
MICHEL: A box?
LORELAI: A bag?
MICHEL: A bag?
LORELAI: Sorry animal disposal is not my area of expertise.
MICHEL: Chin-Chin has been cremated at the animal hospital. After the memorial, his ashes will be scattered under the poplar tree behind my house where he so often went to think.
LORELAI: Oh, okay. Cool.
SOOKIE: A tree. That's nice.
MICHEL: Why don't you just talk me through the particulars of the event?
LORELAI: Right. Okay. Um, well, we, uh, thought we would have it here.
MICHEL: That sounds good.
LORELAI: Okay. During lunch.
MICHEL: During lunch?
LORELAI: Or before lunch.
SOOKIE: Or after lunch.
LORELAI: Either way. Before or after lunch it doesn't matter.
MICHEL: Why must it relate to lunch at all?
LORELAI: No it doesn't have to. We were just using lunch as a measure of time.
SOOKIE: A way to break up the day.
LORELAI: Yes totally arbitrary.
MICHEL: I was thinking twilight might be nice.
LORELAI: Great. Well, then 5:00 it is. That's a wonderful... idea. Sookie, what else was on our list? Do you have yours with you?
SOOKIE: No I don't. Sorry. I left mine with yours, so...
MICHEL: The flowers.
LORELAI: Oh!
SOOKIE: Oh that was the first thing on our list.
LORELAI: There will definitely be flowers.
MICHEL: I was thinking Gerber Daisies would be nice, maybe in red, yellows, oranges to complement his fur.
LORELAI: Done and done.
MICHEL: Can I trust you to liaise with the florist?
LORELAI: I'll liaise with the florist.
MICHEL: Let's discuss the programs.
LORELAI: The programs.
SOOKIE: You want programs?
MICHEL: Do you think when the Princess of Wales was interred at Althorp the Spencer family was asked whether or not they wanted programs?
LORELAI: Probably not.
MICHEL: I assume there are no stationery selections for me to choose from yet.
LORELAI: Not yet.
MICHEL: You know what who cares? Why don't we just use fax paper? And hey why not print them out on the computer? After all, it's just a dog.
LORELAI: Hey, Michel, don't worry about the programs, okay? We'll make up something really nice for you.
MICHEL: Fine. Here's the picture I'd like to use for the cover.
LORELAI: Aw, well, isn't that cute?
SOOKIE: [Chuckling] Oh, yeah. Cute.
MICHEL: Shall we go over the menus?
LORELAI: Ah, the menus. Well, Sookie, take it away.
[Lorelai gets up to leave but Sookie stops her]
SOOKIE: Oh! Hey. Stay. I'd love your input.
LORELAI: You've always let me know that when it comes to food, you're the boss. Well, you're the boss.
[Lorelai breaks free and leaves in a rush]
DRAGONFLY INN - DINNING ROOM
[Lorelai leaves the library]
CHRISTOPHER: Hi.
LORELAI: Hi.
CHRISTOPHER: I guess we should talk.
LORELAI: I guess we should.
MICHEL: [Heard from the library] Crudités?
LORELAI: Not here. Come on.
MICHEL: [Heard from the library] If your child died, would you serve crudités?
SOOKIE: Hey, can my children not be your go-to?!
DRAGONFLY INN - ROOM 4
[Chris and Lorelai enter]
LORELAI: Okay, go. Talk.
CHRISTOPHER: Well, obviously we have some issues.
LORELAI: Issues? What issues? We got in a fight and you took off.
CHRISTOPHER: I was mad.
LORELAI: Oh you were mad. Then never mind. You should have left.
CHRISTOPHER: Don't be sarcastic.
LORELAI: Don't tell me what to do, not when I wake up after we have a fight and you've disappeared.
CHRISTOPHER: I needed some space.
LORELAI: Oh, you needed space? We're married. You need space, you walk around the block, you go get a beer. You don't take off. My father was in the hospital. You weren't there.
CHRISTOPHER:I turned my phone off after the fight. I was upset. I came as soon as I heard.
LORELAI: You came and then you stayed for an hour and then you left again.
CHRISTOPHER: Well I didn't feel like staying much when I saw who else was there.
LORELAI: I didn't ask Luke to come.
CHRISTOPHER: Well you didn't ask him to leave, either.
LORELAI: No, I didn't. He's my friend. He brought food. You weren't there!
CHRISTOPHER: I was there. I saw your dad. I checked in.
LORELAI: "Checked in." I'm not the 6:40 to buffalo.
CHRISTOPHER: Look I'm sorry. I'm sick of seeing that guy.
LORELAI: Well how do you think I feel? I mean for two days I'm in that hospital 18 hours a day. I didn't even know if you were coming back.
CHRISTOPHER: I needed time.
LORELAI: I needed you.
CHRISTOPHER: Lor.
LORELAI: You know what the worst part of it was? When you weren't there, part of me wasn't surprised.
CHRISTOPHER: That's not fair.
LORELAI: I can't do this now. I have a million things to get done. I just -- I can't.
CHRISTOPHER: So, when?
LORELAI: I don't know. Later.
[Lorelai leaves Chris standing there alone.]
DRAGONFLY INN - FRONT DESK
[Lorelai is on the phone and computers when her cell phone rings]
LORELAI: Okay uh, well, then, you're all set for the 16th. [answers the cell phone] Hang on.
RORY: [At Yale] Hanging.
LORELAI: Yes, sir. Well, that's wonderful. We're looking forward to it. Thank you. Okay, bye. [hangs up phone and continues with Rory] Hi, hon.
RORY: Quick, get me into a microeconomic mood.
LORELAI: Uh, okay. Uh supply and demand, profit margin, pork bellies.
RORY: You had me till pork bellies.
LORELAI: You're going to grandpa's class sans grandpa?
RORY: Yes, and I'm kind of dreading it. I mean I only signed up for this class because grandpa was teaching it. I'm not naturally econ crazy.
LORELAI: Is anyone really econ crazy?
RORY: Oh, yeah. First thing I learned last semester, people find the gross national product endlessly fascinating.
LORELAI: Weird.
RORY: Blew my mind. So, how's your re-immersion going?
LORELAI: Pretty good, loving the non-fluorescent lighting, although I kinda miss eating my meals out of a vending machine. How are you doing?
RORY: Not bad. Logan got me a marble plaque, and Paris hid books. It was sweet.
LORELAI: All right, must be a generational thing.
RORY: Must be, oh, any word from dad? [Too a vendor] Latte, please.
LORELAI: Um...yes, actually. He just came by the inn.
RORY: He did?
LORELAI: A couple hours ago.
RORY: What did he say?
LORELAI: Oh, you know, he said he's been needing some space.
RORY: That's ridiculous. He hasn't been home in two days.
LORELAI: Well he was upset about the letter, then he saw Luke at the hospital, you know?
RORY: Well so what if he saw Luke at the hospital? He should have been there for you.
LORELAI: He was. He came.
RORY: Yeah, but then he left.
LORELAI: Honey, look, don't be mad at your dad, okay? It's a complicated situation.
RORY: Mom, stop it. I'm not Switzerland.
LORELAI: What?
RORY: I'm on your side.
LORELAI: I don't want you to take sides.
RORY: Look, I'm not a kid anymore, okay? I get to have an opinion, and I get to pick a side. And I'm on your side, like it or not.
LORELAI: Okay.
RORY: And it's not just because you're right and he's wrong. I'm on your side, no matter what.
LORELAI: No matter what? I mean, even if I cut off all your hair while you were sleeping, would you still be on my side then?
RORY: Yep.
LORELAI: What if I signed you up for a camping trip and made you go?
RORY: Even then.
LORELAI: What if I put a secret clause on your birth certificate that says when you turn 23, your name changes to Hildegarde?
RORY: There's no such thing as a birth-certificate clause.
LORELAI: I had a really good lawyer.
RORY: Even then.
LORELAI: Oh, good to know.
RORY: So, talk to me. How are you feeling?
LORELAI: Oh, good. Fine. Medium. You know, rare -- medium rare. Rare. More like sashimi.
RORY: Yeah?
LORELAI: It's scary, you know? Your dad, um... tends to... avoid conflict when things get complicated.
RORY: Did you tell him that? You should tell him that.
LORELAI: I did. I mean, I tried. I was mad. I told him we'd talk later.
RORY: Well, you can call me after you talk to him. I mean I'm sure you guys will work everything out, but you can call me if you need anything.
LORELAI: Yeah. I got you on speed dial.
RORY: Really you programmed your speed dial?
LORELAI: No. It's metaphorically speaking. I can dial really fast, though.
RORY: Got you. I'm gonna run into class.
LORELAI: Okay, hon. Sounds good.
RORY: Okay, peace out, yo.
LORELAI: Bye, Hilde.
[SCENE_BREAK]
YALE - CLASSROOM
[Busy with students getting ready for class]
MALE STUDENT: Hey, Rory.
RORY: Hey.
MALE STUDENT: Good to see you.
TUCKER: Rory Gilmore? Heard your name. Just want to introduce myself. Tucker Culbertson, filling in for your grandfather until he's well enough to come back.
[Rory is flustered]
RORY: Oh. Well, hello, Professor Culbertson.
TUCKER: Thanks for the promotion. I'm not a professor yet. I'm just a T.A.
RORY: Oh. Uh, sorry -- not that you're a T.A., Just that I called you -- um, I'm Rory.
TUCKER: I know.
RORY: Right. [Chuckles]
TUCKER: So, how's he doing?
RORY: Great. Thanks.
TUCKER: I'm glad. I heard he's a terrific lecturer.
RORY: Oh, yeah, the best -- well, in my entirely biased opinion.
TUCKER: I'm with you. I can't believe this is his first year of teaching. He really put together a great syllabus. I'm looking forward to getting into it.
RORY: Me too.
TUCKER: Well, it's nice to meet you, Rory.
RORY: Yeah, well, good luck. Oh, I mean, not that you need it or anything. Okay, bye.
LORELAI'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM
[Chris is watching basketball on the new TV as Lorelai comes home.]
ANNOUNCER ON TV: Kentucky's being overconfident against this Alabama team. This is a team that is second in the history of the SCC in wins.
LORELAI: Hey.
CHRISTOPHER: Hey.
LORELAI: Sorry I'm late. It was busy at work.
CHRISTOPHER: That's okay. I hope you don't mind. I saw you were using three of them, so I thought I'd program your universal remote.
LORELAI: Thanks. Want some coffee?
CHRISTOPHER: No, I'm okay... unless you want some. [Turns off the TV]
LORELAI: No, I'm okay.
CHRISTOPHER: So, uh...
LORELAI: So, uh...
CHRISTOPHER: I've been thinking about things, and you're right. I shouldn't have taken off.
LORELAI: No, you shouldn't have. But you got to understand, Lor, that letter --
LORELAI: ugh. "Character reference."
CHRISTOPHER: Whatever.
LORELAI: No, not whatever. There's a big difference between a letter and a character reference. I had to write that stuff for Luke for a judge so he could get custody of his kid.
CHRISTOPHER: Don't do that.
LORELAI: What?
CHRISTOPHER: Make me think this is all in my head.
LORELAI: It is!
CHRISTOPHER: It's not! I see the way you look at him.
LORELAI: Stop. I chose you. I married you.
CHRISTOPHER: It's not that simple.
LORELAI: What else is there?
CHRISTOPHER: Stuff! There's other stuff.
LORELAI: Like what?
CHRISTOPHER: I got into a fight with the guy, Lor.
LORELAI: What?
CHRISTOPHER: About a month ago at the gazebo, I just walked up to him. We started whaling on each other.
LORELAI: Why wouldn't you tell me that?
CHRISTOPHER: Well it's not something I'm exactly proud of. I mean this is what it's come to -- I'm fighting the guy in the street.
LORELAI: I don't, Isn't that the kind of thing you would tell a person? I mean, I could help. I could have been more sensitive.
CHRISTOPHER: It's not just about the fight, Lor. I should have given you more time. You asked me to. I said I would. I didn't.
LORELAI: No, Chris.
CHRISTOPHER: You were vulnerable, and I pushed you. And I think it's because we always had this timing issue. You know we were too young, and then Sherry got pregnant. You were with him and -- I don't know. I saw this opportunity, and I thought, "now, we should do this now while we have the chance, while you're free and clear." But you weren't. You're not.
LORELAI: Yes, I am!
CHRISTOPHER: You were engaged to him, Lor. You needed time to -- to disengage.
LORELAI: Stop. That's not what this is. We're together now. Maybe we did rush into it, but we can, we can work this out.
CHRISTOPHER: I don't think we can.
LORELAI: What does that mean? You're giving up?
CHRISTOPHER: I don't know what else to do.
LORELAI: There's lots else to do. We can work on this.
CHRISTOPHER: Work on what, work on you thinking that I'm the man you want to spend the rest of your life with? I've been asking you to marry me for 20 years. We're finally married. I still feel like I'm asking you.
LORELAI: That's terrible. I'm sorry if you feel that way, if I made you feel that way. That's not how I feel. I'm in this.
CHRISTOPHER: I want to believe that.
LORELAI: You should. It's true.
CHRISTOPHER: Look, I should probably get back to my mom's. Gigi's been there all day, so.
LORELAI: Yeah, you should be with her. How is she?
CHRISTOPHER: She's fine. She's good.
LORELAI: So, we'll talk more tomorrow?
CHRISTOPHER: Okay. Yeah.
DRAGONFLY INN
[staring in the dinning room but moving to the front desk, Michel is upset and gets mad as the scene goes on.]
MICHEL: Lorelai, I specifically sent out a memo asking that all pillows featuring cats be removed from this library.
LORELAI: What?
MICHEL: The cat pillows -- they're still there!
LORELAI: Oh yeah I'll take care of it, I promise.
MICHEL: And you have to talk to Sookie.
LORELAI: What about?
MICHEL: I asked her about the final menu. She said she didn't have it yet. I said, "when can I expect it?" She said she wasn't sure. I said, "might I ask what you are planning?" And she said -- and I quote -- "let's see what's left over at the end of the day, and I'll whip up something delicious." Leftovers! Why even bother?
LORELAI: Oh Michel.
MICHEL: Is it too much to ask that the passing of my beloved dog be marked by food that has been prepared specifically with that occasion in mind?
LORELAI: I'm sure the food will be wonderful.
MICHEL: Well have you called about the flowers?
LORELAI: Ah I was just about to.
MICHEL: Lorelai.
LORELAI: Grayson's only needs a 2-hour heads up.
MICHEL: Well at least do you have a program for me to approve?
LORELAI: Uh, not yet, but I will.
MICHEL: The funeral is tonight.
LORELAI: I'm aware of that.
MICHEL: Then why has nothing been done?
LORELAI: Plenty has been done.
MICHEL: No! Nothing has been done. You are putting no effort into...
LORELAI: Michel, back off. I happen to have a few other things on my mind right now, so forgive me if I haven't put all of my energy into focusing on your dog funeral.
MICHEL: [still upset] I apologize that my loss has come at an inopportune time for you. I will try to schedule the next death when it is more convenient.
YALE - BOOK SHOP
PARIS: Let's see -- "Gender Trouble," Judith Butler. It should be here.
RORY: Are you sure this is where you hid it?
PARIS: Of course. I had an aunt Judy who loved to travel, hence the travel section. Then I used my standard covert alphabetizing system using the third letter of the author's last name, "T", followed by the third letter of the author's first name, "D." So it should be right here, after Tabin but before Thoreau. I don't understand why it's not here.
RORY: Okay I'm gonna go check the women's studies section again, see if I can find a used copy, just in case. Wait a minute. This whole shelf is a mess. Why is Congwen Shen before Tony Griffiths? [To a sales person near by] Excuse me. You. Come over here and explain yourself.
[Rory is looking for the book]
TUCKER: Rory.
RORY: Oh. Hey.
TUCKER: How you doing?
RORY: Good, thanks.
TUCKER: I'm glad. Ah I wanted to thank you. Seems you gave me a pretty good evaluation.
RORY: What?
TUCKER: I got a call from your grandfather. I think he was talking about class, unless you happened to see the econ grad students take out the comp. Lit grad students in ultimate Frisbee.
RORY: Oh, right. I'm sorry. I'm a little all over the place. New semester, you know.
TUCKER: Well I just wanted to thank you. It's always nice to get good feedback.
RORY: No problem.
TUCKER: See you around.
RORY: Okay. [short pause as Rory watches Tucker walk away.] That -- that's a good book.
TUCKER: Which one?
RORY: Um, "Eva Luna." Everyone loves "House of the Spirits," but I just think "Eva Luna" is Allende's best work.
TUCKER: Cool, I'm looking forward to reading it.
RORY: Yeah, me too. Oh, for you to read it. I'll see you around.
TUCKER: Bye, Rory.
[Paris comes rushing up]
PARIS: Where were you? The women's studies section is over there.
RORY: Um, yeah, I was on my way.
PARIS: The book's gone. Apparently they redid the travel section and alphabetized it according to destination instead of author. I ripped the salesman a new one, but it was too late. Hey. What's wrong with you?
RORY: What?
PARIS: You're all red and blotchy.
RORY: Oh, am I? It's probably just 'cause I'm a bit warm in here. So you found it?
PARIS: No. Weren't you listening? Here. It's used, but luckily, the previous owner was a dimwit slacker who only made it through chapter one.
RORY: Oh, great. That's good.
DRAGONFLY INN - DINNING ROOM
[People are moving things around]
KIRK: Flower delivery.
LORELAI: Oh. Kirk? Oh, I didn't know you worked for Grayson's.
KIRK: Oh, no, I don't work there. I'm volunteering.
LORELAI: How...noble.
KIRK: Yeah, I just thought it was time to give something back. Here's your bill. It's a little high because we had to do a little airbrushing. Small blemish on the nose. Probably wasn't visible to the naked eye, but when we blew the picture up -- wow.
LORELAI: Sounds great. I got a bunch of stuff to take care of. Bring the rest of the flowers in?
KIRK: Sure thing. [Clears throat] I don't want to embarrass you, but it is customary to tip the deliveryman.
LORELAI: I thought you were volunteering.
KIRK: Not for you.
LORELAI: Ask Rob at the front desk. He's got the petty cash. Ooo Hey, Christy, will we see you tonight at the memorial?
CHRISTY: Actually, I don't think...
LORELAI: Let me rephrase that. We'll see you tonight at the memorial. Attendance is mandatory. Thanks.
DRAGONFLY INN - KITCHEN
LORELAI: How's the food coming?
SOOKIE: Hey! I've got a Walnut Arugula Gorgonzola Crostini, a little Caraway Cornbread with apricots, bacon, and a little Jalapeno jam, Beef Tenderloin Chiffonade in little Focaccia rounds, and -- oh! -- Sweet potato biscuits with pork Tenderloin and a little Apple Chutney.
LORELAI: Wow.
SOOKIE: Yeah some of my finest work all wasted on a dog funeral and a petty little man.
LORELAI: Well, he said some things he didn't mean.
SOOKIE: You don't go after someone's children.
LORELAI: He's going through a very rough time, and he really will appreciate all of this.
SOOKIE: I know. I made him some fat-free brownies, too.
LORELAI: Aw.
SOOKIE: I know. I'm a softy.
LORELAI: And the whole kitchen staff's gonna be there, right?
SOOKIE: Those who value their jobs will be. I pulled out my "don't mess with me" face, which I use on the kids all the time. I'll be damned if they don't hop to and brush those teeth.
LORELAI: Good, I want a full house, and if they have minty-fresh breath, that's just a plus.
SOOKIE: They'll be there -- not that Michel will say thank you or modify his behavior in any way to show that he's grateful. But just so you know, you're doing a really nice thing.
LORELAI: Well, thanks. I feel bad about snapping at him.
SOOKIE: You have a lot on your mind. Want a brownie?
LORELAI: Mm, no, thanks. Um, so, I talked to Christopher.
SOOKIE: Wait. [To the kitchen staff] Get out. You're doing a great job, though!
LORELAI: Thanks.
SOOKIE: Keep it up.
LORELAI: Sorry.
SOOKIE: Go.
LORELAI: I talked to Christopher. I was really mad.
SOOKIE: But you were able to work it out.
LORELAI: Well we're working on working it out. He thinks that I don't want to be in it, he thinks that I don't even want to be in this marriage.
SOOKIE: But you do, right?
LORELAI: Of course I do.
SOOKIE: Yeah that's what I thought.
LORELAI: It's this Luke thing. Christopher's jealousy is blinding him, and I've been racking my brain to think of a way to convince him that I want to be in this marriage. And I think the only way is if I cut Luke out of my life entirely.
SOOKIE: No Luke at all.
LORELAI: No, I mean, it wouldn't be that big a difference. It's not like I see him a lot as it is.
SOOKIE: Well, that's true, although just because you don't see him a lot doesn't mean he's not a big part of your life. You know eight months ago, you were engaged to the guy.
LORELAI: I know. I try not to dwell on that because I've moved on. I-I married Christopher.
SOOKIE: Ah it's just that it's Luke. You guys were together a long time.
LORELAI: I know.
SOOKIE: You were friends for years even before you were together. And then, when you were together, you were really together.
LORELAI: Yes. We were.
SOOKIE: So all I'm saying is that you broke up with Luke and immediately started dating Christopher. And I know you're over it, and I know you've moved on, but all those feelings for Luke didn't just disappear overnight, right?
LORELAI: No that's what I'm saying. Of course they didn't.
SOOKIE: It's just, you moved really quickly.
LORELAI: Yes, I moved quickly to a man I love who loves me, who wanted to marry me. When Luke and I were together, he was kind and loyal and thoughtful. The guy built me an ice-skating rink, for god's sake.
SOOKIE: God, I forgot about that.
LORELAI: But he was also distant and uncommunicative, and he didn't want to marry me. And I tried everything I could to work it out. Of course I have feelings for him. That's what Christopher's responding to, and that's why, in order to save my marriage, the only thing I can do is cut Luke out, right?
SOOKIE: Right.
LORELAI: [Sighs]
SOOKIE: I'm sorry, it's just, I have a but.
LORELAI: Yes?
SOOKIE: If there were no Luke, I mean no Luke in the past, no Luke in the picture...
LORELAI: Yeah?
SOOKIE: Well, would it be Christopher? Would he be "the one"?
[Lorelai doesn't answer]
SOPHIE'S MUSIC SHOP
[Michel and Lorelai enter]
MICHEL: I don't even know why we are bothering to select music. Why not just turn on the radio and hope for the best? Maybe we'll get lucky and a hip-hop station will be playing Snoop Doggy Dogg.
LORELAI: Michel, come on. I said I'm sorry. We're gonna have a beautiful ceremony. Look, here's Zach. Hi, Zach.
ZACH: Hey. Lorelai. Hello, Michel. I'm very sorry to hear about your loss. It totally blows.
MICHEL: Thank you.
LORELAI: So, Zach's gonna do the music for the ceremony.
ZACH: I'm psyched, dude. At first I was thinking Mandolin, but then I'm like, "whoa, Zach, are you tripping? It's got to be the acoustic guitar." A way more soulful sound.
LORELAI: Um have you thought about the music?
ZACH: Yeah, I did -- vintage Bowie, originally recorded with Herbie Flowers on bass, Aynsley Dunbar on drums. You know where I'm going? "Diamond dogs"? [sings] Whoo-hoo-hoo! They call them the diamond dogs bow-wow, woof woof, whoo-hoo!
LORELAI: That sounds great. Um we didn't need a song that necessarily had dogs in the lyrics, right, Michel?
MICHEL: Whatever. David bowie sounds like a hoot.
LORELAI: More princess Diana, less dog.
ZACH: So you want Elton John?
LORELAI: We were thinking very dignified -- Bach, Mozart.
MICHEL: Céline Dion.
LORELAI: Or Céline Dion.
ZACH: [very serious] Please don't make me do that.
MICHEL: After all, "my heart will go on" was Chin-Chin's favorite song.
LORELAI: Oh, well, then, there you go, huh? We'll just find, uh, [looks through sheet music] "My Heart." "My Heart Belongs to Daddy," "My Heart Belongs to Me," "My Heart Belongs to You." My heart can't make up its mind.
ZACH: How about "Tears in Heaven"? That's a wicked song.
LORELAI: Well, "My Heart is Crying for You," "My Heart is Waiting," "My Heart Stood Still." People very interested in this whole heart thing.
ZACH: "I will always love you" -- it's got the cheese factor, but it's still at least a legitimate...
LORELAI: "My Heart Will Go On."
MICHEL: Oh, good! They have it!
LORELAI: So you get working on that, and, uh, we'll be moving on.
SOPHIE'S MUSIC SHOP - EXTERIOR
[Michel and Lorelai exit]
LORELAI: Okay, so, we're all set with the music, and the rest of the flowers should be delivered in about an hour. You got your suit from the cleaners. All we have to do now is stop by the printer's and approve the layout for the program.
MICHEL: Actually, as long as we're here, I think I'm gonna stop into Luke's.
LORELAI: Really? Why?
MICHEL: Do you remember last year when that troupe of Mimes took over the inn?
LORELAI: Yeah.
MICHEL: It was a very stressful time for me, guessing at what they wanted, watching to see what they were pointing at so I knew what to fetch them. When they finally left, I needed a bit of comfort, so I stopped at Luke's and I bought a hamburger.
LORELAI: [Gasps] You didn't.
MICHEL: I know. It was a moment of insanity. Thank god by the time I got home, I had already calculated that it would take me 55 minutes of medium-intensity interval training on my elliptical machine to work it off. Thought better of the whole thing and dumped the foul thing in the trash.
LORELAI: Well close call.
MICHEL: Yeah, extremely. Unfortunately, Chin-Chin, being the little rascal that he was, fished it out of the garbage.
LORELAI: Aw.
MICHEL: After all the exotic dog food I lavished on him -- homemade biscuits, fresh-ground lamb -- it was this burger that he seemed to enjoy the most. And today, I will eat one in his memory.
LORELAI: Well, what a sacrifice. Uh, go on in. You get your burger. I'll get started at the printer's.
MICHEL: Sounds good. Wish me luck.
LORELAI: Good luck.
[Lorelai stands there a few seconds and sees Luke at the counter, her sees her and wave. She waves back before turning to leave]
PARIS AND DOYLE'S APARTMENT
[Hallway outside, Rory comes home to see Logan waiting]
RORY: What are you doing here?!
[They hug]
LOGAN: Aw, I couldn't wait till Sunday.
RORY: Oh!
LOGAN: What's that look?
RORY: Oh, Paris calls it my harlequin romance face. Come on in!
LOGAN: Where is the infamous Miss Geller?
RORY: [looking at the chart] Now? Let's see. This afternoon, she is belly dancing with the Yale Belly Dance Society at the Payne Whitney gym.
LOGAN: Wow, how'd you get out of it?
RORY: I'm supposed to be at a wrestling match. We're supposed to trade notes later.
LOGAN: Use the term "half nelson."
RORY: I'll use the term "whole nelson." I'm not afraid.
LOGAN: Yeah, don't do that.
[They kiss]
RORY: Logan, um, I have to talk to you.
LOGAN: Sure, what's going on?
RORY: Well, uh, maybe let's sit. Yeah, come on. Sit down.
LOGAN: Okay.
RORY: Okay. Um... this is hard for me to bring up, but, um, because of the whole thing that happened with Marty. I just wanted to tell you about it now so that you don't think this is a big deal. Or, actually, maybe it is a big deal. I don't know that's why I want to talk to you about it.
LOGAN: What's going on?
RORY: Well, maybe it's just human nature. I mean, maybe we don't want to be happy.
LOGAN: You're not happy?
RORY: No, that's not what I'm saying. I'm so happy.
LOGAN: Okay, good, so what's the problem?
RORY: Um, I don't know. See I never thought of myself as a self-destructive person before, but I don't know -- maybe I do have this weird self-sabotaging streak.
LOGAN: What are you talking about?
RORY: Well, the grad student who's filling in for my grandfather -- I guess he's kind of good-looking. And I ran into him at the bookstore, and I told him I liked Isabel Allende, and it was disgusting!
LOGAN: You told him you like Isabel Allende?
RORY: But it was the way I said it. I was all nervous and weird. I mean I Googled him after class. I don't know even know why. I just, you're being so perfect, and I'm turning into this monster.
LOGAN: You're not a monster.
RORY: No, I am. I am. I just I think I got so safe and felt so good with you that I let my guard down, and this beast emerged.
LOGAN: Hey, make up your mind. Are you a beast or a monster?
RORY: Logan.
LOGAN: What it sounds like what you telling we you have a crush on this guy.
RORY: I'm so sorry. What why are you looking at me like that?
LOGAN: It's just a crush.
RORY: You're not upset?
LOGAN: I'd be a hypocrite, because I have on occasion found other girls attractive.
RORY: Yes, I know.
LOGAN: But I would never do anything about it because I love you and want to be with you.
RORY: That's good, I guess.
LOGAN: You guess.
RORY: No, it is good. It's just, did I break you?
LOGAN: What?
RORY: Paris said that I broke you, that if I kicked you with my spurs, you wouldn't spook. Is that true?
LOGAN: No, I'd definitely be a little spooked.
RORY: You know what I mean.
LOGAN: I honestly don't.
RORY: I guess she meant that you belong to me or something.
LOGAN: Well, do you belong to me?
RORY: Yeah, I guess I do.
LOGAN: Well, then I'm cool with that.
RORY: You are?
LOGAN: Yeah. This whole thing is my fault.
RORY: What? Why?
LOGAN: I was a jerk about Marty. I overreacted, and I obviously freaked you out so much I made you think you have to tell me when you recommend a book to a guy, and you don't, okay.
RORY: Yeah, okay.
LOGAN: Because I trust you completely, and I'm not worried about us.
RORY: Yeah, I guess I'm not either. It's weird.
LOGAN: But good weird?
RORY: Great weird.
[They kiss]
LOGAN: Can I ask you a question?
RORY: Yeah. Anything.
LOGAN: Has Paris ever belly danced before?
RORY: No, I think this is her first class.
LOGAN: Another question?
RORY: Shoot.
LOGAN: Why the hell aren't we over there watching her?
RORY: Yeah, we should.
LOGAN: [Chuckles]
DRAGONFLY INN - FUNERAL
[Most people are seated, Lane and Kirk are amount the mourners, Zach is playing "My heart will go on" on his acoustic guitar. Lorelai is standing in the door way, she is in deep thought.]
LORELAI'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM
[Night, Chris is waiting, Lorelai comes home]
LORELAI: Hi.
CHRISTOPHER: Hey.
LORELAI: [Sighs]
CHRISTOPHER: How was the funeral?
LORELAI: Sad.
[They both sit on the couch]
LORELAI: [Sniffles] It's not just Luke.
CHRISTOPHER: Lor...
LORELAI: I mean, you were right. There are feelings there, because... when that ended, I just jumped.
CHRISTOPHER: I pushed you.
LORELAI: I jumped. But if that's all there was -- if that's all it was, we could fix it, you know... with time.
CHRISTOPHER: But it's not.
LORELAI: You've always been this...possibility for me... ...this wonderful possibility. But it's just not right. And I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.
CHRISTOPHER: [Nods] Yeah. [pause] I guess I should have known, huh? It took me 20 years to get you to say yes.
LORELAI: [Voice breaking] I need you to know... that you're the man... I want to want.
CHRISTOPHER: I know.
LORELAI: [Sniffles and starting to cry] You have no idea... how badly I wish...
CHRISTOPHER: I do. [pause] I do know.
LORELAI: [Sniffles]
[Chris squeezes Lorelai's hand]
CHRISTOPHER: I do. | Plan: A: a crush; Q: What does Rory develop for Richard's replacement teaching assistant? A: the attraction; Q: What does Rory feel compelled to confess to Logan? A: Michel's dog; Q: Who does Lorelai arrange a memorial service for? A: their problems; Q: What do Lorelai and Christopher have to face when they are forced to face what? A: love; Q: What does Christopher want Lorelai to fall in? A: feelings; Q: What does Lorelai realize she still has for Luke? A: their marriage; Q: What did Lorelai and Christopher end? Summary: Rory quickly develops a crush on Richard's replacement teaching assistant and feels compelled to confess the attraction to Logan. But she feels really bad about it and he completely understands and the two of them reassure each other that in the end they are crazy about each other. Meanwhile, Lorelai distracts herself from thinking about Christopher by arranging a memorial service for Michel's dog. Christopher seeks her out, however, and the two are forced to face their problems. Christopher feels like he's been trying to get Lorelai to fall in love with him, and Lorelai realizes she still has feelings for Luke. Lorelai and Christopher end their marriage. |
BIG DRAGON : In a land of myth and a time of magic, the destiny of a great kingdom on the shoulders of a young boy. His name - Merlin. Vaste prairie.
(jonchée de cadavres)
ARTHUR: Check for survivors.
SOLDAT: Seems their attackers headed north.
ARTHUR: Come on.
MERLIN: Do you think we should be going after them?
ARTHUR: You are such a girl's petticoat.
Camelot
GAIUS: Sire, how many more men are you going to lose in this quest?
UTHER: As many as it takes.
GAIUS: I need to speak to you as a friend.
UTHER: I have no time for friends.
GAIUS: Then I'll speak to you as your physician. This is madness. She has been missing for more than a year now. When are you going to stop?
UTHER: When Morgana is found. Dans la prairie.
MERLIN: Ow...
ARTHUR: Is there something wrong with you?
MERLIN: Yeah, I've been on a horse all day. ARTHUR:Is your little bottom sore?
MERLIN: Yes. It's not as fat as yours.
ARTHUR: You know, you've got a lot of nerve...for a wimp.
MERLIN: I may be a wimp, but at least. I'm not a dollop-head.
ARTHUR: There's no such word.
MERLIN: It's idiomatic.
ARTHUR: It's what?!
MERLIN: You need to be more in touch with the people.
ARTHUR: Describe dollop-head.
MERLIN: In two words?
ARTHUR: Yeah.
MERLIN: Er...Prince Arthur.
(Des bandits surgissent des bois)
ARTHUR: On me!
MERLIN: Ecg geteoh ping to!
ARTHUR: We're not playing hide and seek, Merlin.
MERLIN: Dollop-head.
(Une silhouette émerge du brouillard)
ARTHUR: Morgana.
Château de Camelot.
(chambre de Morgane)
GAIUS: You need to rest.
GWEN: I'll stay with her.
GAIUS: Call me when she wakes, Guinevere.
UTHER: How is she?
GAIUS: She'll be fine.
UTHER: There's nothing wrong with her?
GAIUS: Nothing physical.
UTHER: May I see her?
GAIUS: Best wait till morning.
UTHER: Yes. Of course. Gaius? Thank you.
(dans le couloir)
MERLIN: Did you talk to her?
GAIUS: She's sleeping.
MERLIN: Did she say anything about me?
GAIUS: Nothing as yet.
MERLIN : Well, she's going to.
GAIUS : Does she know your secret, Merlin? Does she know you have magic?
MERLIN : No, she doesn't. No-one does.
GAIUS: Good. Because if Uther finds out...
MERLIN: She knows I tried to poison her. She knows that.
GAIUS: You had no choice. Camelot was dying. Morgana was the source of the enchantment. Either you poisoned her or the kingdom fell.
MERLIN: Uther won't know that. All she'll say is I tried to kill her.
GAIUS : We can't be sure, Merlin.
MERLIN : What do you think Uther will do to me?
GAIUS: Let's just wait and see what tomorrow brings.
GWEN: Merlin. Arthur's requested your presence.....in Morgana's chambers.
(chambre de Morgane)
MORGANE : I was kept in a cell for almost a year. I thought I'd go mad.
ARTHUR: How did you escape?
MORGANE: They moved me about a week ago. I don't know why. It may have been the patrol from Camelot.
ARTHUR : The patrol found you?
MORGANE : I thought I was going to be free. But then I saw them killed. Every one of them cut down. But that night the bandits were distracted by their spoils. I took my chance. When I saw you, I couldn't believe it.
I think I need to rest.
ARTHUR: Everything's going to be all right. You're safe now.
MORGANE: Merlin? I want to speak to you.
(Arthur s'en va)
MORGANE: I know what you did. You tried to poison me.
MERLIN: I...I didn't want to.
MORGANE: It's all right, Merlin. I understand. You were just trying to protect your friends. I would've done the same.
MERLIN: Really?
MORGANE: I was so naive, Merlin. I don't think I really understood what I was doing. But, believe me, I have seen the evils in this world. I have seen first-hand what it is that Uther fights against. You don't know how much I regret everything that I've done.
I just... hope that you can forgive me.
MERLIN: I am so sorry for everything you've been through. It's good to have you back. Chambre d'Arthur.
ARTHUR: What are you looking so happy about?
MERLIN: The sun is shining, we've found Morgana, and I've just finished all my chores. Do you have to go in there right now?
ARTHUR: Why?
MERLIN: I just washed the floor.
ARTHUR: Don't worry. I won't slip over.
MERLIN: You really have no idea, do you?
ARTHUR: All you have to do is wipe it. How would you know? I beg your pardon, Merlin.
MERLIN: It's just you've never had to do it.
ARTHUR: Oh, I know how to use a cloth and bucket.
MERLIN: Oh, yeah.
ARTHUR: It's easy. Here. Let me show you. Would you like me to show you how to use the bucket?
MERLIN: No. Salle du trône.
CHEVALIER: The grain stores are running low, but we're expecting supplies from the northern borders before the end of the week. That's enough.
UTHER: Leave us. You should sit.
MORGANE: No, no. That's all I've done for the past year - sit...and pray that you hadn't given up on me.
UTHER: Oh, never.
MORGANE: I don't know why. I wouldn't blame you. You've done more for me than any guardian. You've always cared for me, loved me like I was your own daughter. And yet I've insulted you, defied you, hurt you. I don't know why you put up with me. And I promise that in the future I will show you the love and respect that you deserve. I will leave you to your counsel. La nuit dans une grotte sombre.
MORGAUSE: My sister. How have you fared?
MORGANE: Camelot has welcomed back its daughter with open arms.
MORGAUSE: Uther does not suspect?
MORGANE: He laps up my lies like the snivelling dog he is.
MORGAUSE: And the boy?
MORGANE: Merlin. He believes I've changed. And he's right. Soon he will see exactly how much.
MORGAUSE: You've done well. The tears of Uther Pendragon have only begun to fall. The mandrake root is very special. Only those with magic can hear its cries. But for those without magic, the mandrake pierces the very recesses of the soul - twisting the unconscious into the very image of fear and dread. Uther Pendragon will find that his great kingdom counts for nothing when he has lost his mind. Mid paem wundorcraeft paes ealdan aew ic pe hate niman Utheres wopdropa ond pa gemengan mid his blode. Sy he undewittig ond deofolseocnes his heortan afylle. Château de Camelot.
UTHER: How is Morgana?
GAIUS: She seems to have made a remarkable recovery, my lord.
UTHER: She was always like that as a child. Very brave. She inherited much from her father.
GAIUS: Gorlois was a great man.
UTHER: Indeed. I trust she will be well enough to attend the feast?
GAIUS: I see no reason why not.
UTHER: Thank you, Gaius.
(Arthur et Merlin en séance d'entraînement)
ARTHUR: Let's change weapons. What do you think?
MERLIN: I've seen better.
ARTHUR: Of course. Well, you are the expert at fighting with your eyes closed.
MERLIN: You didn't see what I did when we rescued Morgana.
ARTHUR: Because you were hiding behind a tree.
MERLIN: No, I was not.
ARTHUR: I'm not going to use a blindfold. I'm just going to fight like Merlin here.
"I'm Merlin, don't hurt me." "Don't hurt me!" (banquet dans la salle du trône).
MORGANE: Ready?
UTHER: Standing here, seeing so many happy faces, it seems almost like a dream. I can tell you I have not felt like this in a long time.
MORGANE: What, drunk?
UTHER: Drunk with happiness. I would've searched the entire world -the seas, skies, stars... for that smile. To have it stolen from me was like a blade to my heart. Morgana, there are no words. You mean more to me than you will ever know. To the Lady Morgana.
ASSEMBLEE: The Lady Morgana!
UTHER: Oh...I need some air. Who is that? Arthur? Oh! (Please.) Please! AH!
(chambre du roi. Arthur et Gaius sont au chevet du roi)
ARTHUR: Careful. Is he going to be all right?
GAIUS: He should sleep till morning.
ARTHUR: What could've made him like this?
GAIUS: I've no idea.
ARTHUR: Gaius, he was lying on the ground crying.
What aren't you telling me? What's wrong with him? Tell me.
GAIUS: When I found him, he was mumbling. Most of it was incoherent but...
ARTHUR: What?
GAIUS: He kept mentioning your mother's name.
ARTHUR: He never talks about her.
GAIUS: He claimed that he saw her. In the well.
ARTHUR: Did the guards see him in this state?
GAIUS: I think you're worrying too much.
ARTHUR: If the people get to know about this...
GAIUS: We'll say that he was ill, but now he's recovered. Dans la forêt.
MORGANE: Already the rumours are spreading. The mandrake's poison does its work well.
MORGAUSE: Soon all of Camelot will believe that their king is going mad. And a kingdom without a king is ripe for the picking.
MORGANE: When do you go to Cenred?
MORGAUSE: Tomorrow. And he will do as we wish?
MORGANE: Cenred wishes only to please me.
MORGAUSE: Then your time with him has been well spent. Camelot.
GARDE: Lady Morgana?
MORGANE: I was just taking a stroll.
GARDE: What's that, my lady?
MORGANE: Nothing.
GARDE: You're bleeding.
MORGANE: I'm fine, really.
GARDE: You're wounded.
(Morgane poignarde le garde)
Chambre de Morgane.
GWEN: My lady. I saw the light. I wanted to make sure you were all right.
MORGANE: I'm fine.
GWEN: You're still dressed.
MORGANE: I'll prepare MYSELF for bed.
GWEN: Are you sure?
MORGANE: That will be all, Gwen. Château de Cenred.
CENRED: To what do I owe this pleasure?
MORGAUSE: If you will not leave your castle then I must come to you.
CENRED: I see that you've lost none of your audacity.
MORGAUSE: I wish I could say the same. But I find the great King Cenred cowering in his chambers when he should have met me at the border. Perhaps he has lost his nerve. Perhaps he is a coward.
CENRED: You are very beautiful when you're angry.
MORGAUSE: Is that why you continue to defy me?
CENRED: You wouldn't like it if I made it easy for you. I'm certain you've not come all this way just to drink, Morgause.
MORGAUSE: You know me well.
CENRED: Extremely well.
MORGAUSE: And yet somehow we're still close. I've come to talk to you about our old friend. Uther Pendragon.
CENRED: Yes, I've heard the sad news. He's finally lost his mind.
MORGAUSE: Camelot is weak - weaker than it's been for years. The kingdom is vulnerable, just as I promised.
CENRED: Yet it doesn't change the fact that the citadel is still impregnable.
MORGAUSE: So, even without his wits, Uther is too strong for you.
CENRED: You're a woman of great courage, Morgause, but I don't think with my sword. An assault on Camelot cannot be undertaken lightly.
MORGAUSE: You forget, we have an ally in the court.
CENRED: That is no guarantee. Traitors blow like the wind.
MORGAUSE: Not this one. She can be relied upon until the end. You can be certain of that.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Salle du trône, Camelot.
SIR LEON: We've had reports that mercenaries are streaming into Cenred's kingdom.
UTHER: Do we know why?
SIR LEON: There is rumour that Cenred is amassing an army.
ARTHUR: I think we should send a patrol out to assess the situation. Father?
UTHER: Leave me alone. Get out of here.
ARTHUR: Father, we...
UTHER: I said, "Get out." Get out! I will have you hanged! You...you...you...
(chambre du roi)
MERLIN: There must be some explanation.
GAIUS: During the Great Purge, Uther drowned many he suspected of sorcery. And some, God help them, were children - killed for the magic they were born with. Maybe his conscience is playing tricks with him. Whatever it is, we can no longer hide this. A king's hold on his people's a very fragile thing, Merlin. If they start to lose faith in him, I fear for Camelot.
(les cloches retentissent. On a découvert le garde poignardé par Morgane)
GAIUS: Take this man to my chambers. I need to speak to Arthur as a matter of urgency.
ARTHUR: The sentry must have been attacked at some point during the night. Who could've done this?
GAIUS: That is the sigil of the Bloodguard.
ARTHUR: The Bloodguard?
GAIUS: Warrior Priests sworn to protect the High Priestesses of the Old Religion. Surely they were wiped out during the Great Purge? Not all of them.
ARTHUR: So, you believe there's a traitor in Camelot?
GAIUS: It is possible, sire. The sentry will be able to tell us soon enough.
ARTHUR: He's still alive?
GAIUS: Indeed.
Cabinet Gaius.
(le garde est mort)
MERLIN: Gaius?
GAIUS: Merlin?
MERLIN: You said he was recovering.
GAIUS: I thought he was.
MERLIN: Then what happened? You don't think it's strange?
GAIUS: Very...
Dans la forêt.
MORGAUSE: Sorry you had to wait. There was much to discuss.
MORGANE: But your visit was successful?
MORGAUSE: Cenred's army ride for Camelot on my command.
MORGANE: There is nothing you cannot do.
MORGAUSE: It is you that gives me strength, sister. How goes the battle for Uther's mind?
MORGANE: When Cenred marches on Camelot, he will find a kingdom without a leader.
MORGAUSE: Then finally we are ready.
MORGANE: Not quite. Merlin suspects me.
MORGAUSE: Has he told Arthur?
MORGANE: Not yet, but he will.
MORGAUSE: Then we must stop him.
MORGANE: That will not be difficult.
MORGAUSE: Why?
MORGANE: Because he's already here. Did you really I was that stupid, Merlin? Camelot.
GAIUS: How are you, sire?
ARTHUR: It's not me who's sick.
GAIUS: It can't be easy to see your father this way.
ARTHUR: No. He's always been so strong. He lifted this kingdom from its knees, Gaius. To see him now...
GAIUS: I'm sure that, over time, he will recover. But until then, we have to make plans, Arthur. We need you to assume control.
ARTHUR: That's ridiculous. Camelot needs a leader.
GAIUS: It falls to you. You must fulfil your role as Regent. This is not just me talking. Members of the court have spoken.
ARTHUR: So now you've taken to whispering behind my back? What kind of treason is this?
GAIUS: It is for the good of the kingdom.
ARTHUR: I'm not going to usurp my father.
GAIUS: The palace is awash with rumours. The people are restless.
ARTHUR: I swore allegiance to my king, and as long as there is breath in his body it is my duty to uphold that.
GAIUS: Arthur, please...
ARTHUR: You are giving up on my father. That is something I will never do. Dans la forêt.
(Merlin est prisonnier de Morgause et Morgane)
MORGAUSE: You intrigue me, Merlin. Why does a lowly servant continue to risk everything for Arthur and for Camelot?
You know the answer, but you're not telling me. Why? Come on, time and again you put your life on the line. There must be a reason.
MERLIN: I believe in a fair and just land.
MORGAUSE: And you think Arthur will give you that?
MERLIN: I know it.
MORGAUSE: And then what? You think you'll be recognised, Merlin? Is that it? All this so one day you can be a serving boy to the king. No, there's something more. Something you're not telling me, isn't there?
MERLIN: I've told you.
MORGAUSE: Well, you can take your secret to your grave. Weorp untoworpenlic! You chose to poison one of my own. You may regret that.
(Morgause prononce une incantation et des scorpions investissent la forêt et se dirigent vers Merlin)
Camelot.
GAIUS: Have you seen Merlin?
GWEN: Not since yesterday.
MORGANE: Is there a problem?
GAIUS: I'm not sure.
MORGANE: What is it?
GAIUS: Merlin did not come home last night.
MORGANE: That's not like him.
GAIUS: No ...
(King's room, Arthur is at the bedside of his father)
ARTHUR: I need to get better.
MORGANE: I know.
ARTHUR: I'm glad you're here.
MORGANE: I'll make sure he's looked after, do not worry.
In the forest (Merlin calls the big dragon ... before fainting, he sees a shadow in the sky) ...
TO BE CONTINUED... | Plan: A: A year; Q: How long has it been since the search for Lady Morgana? A: the missing Lady Morgana; Q: What is the Prince searching for? A: The despondent Prince; Q: Who is ready to give up on finding Lady Morgana? A: Merlin; Q: Who thinks magic is the cause of King Uther's loss of mind? A: their latest skirmish; Q: What is the Prince and Merlin recovering from? A: the Lady Morgana; Q: Who does the Prince think is in the mist? A: King Uther; Q: Who is overjoyed when the Lady Morgana appears? A: his mind; Q: What does King Uther lose after seeing the Lady Morgana? A: grave danger; Q: What does Merlin put himself in trying to find out who Morgana is on? A: the Great Dragon; Q: What creature does Merlin call to save himself? Summary: A year has passed with many fruitless quests in search of the missing Lady Morgana. The despondent Prince is all but ready to give up, but as he and Merlin recover from their latest skirmish a bruised, bloodied figure emerges from the mist; it is the Lady Morgana. King Uther is overjoyed, but then starts to lose his mind. Merlin thinks that magic is the cause; could this be the work of his dutiful ward? The young warlock puts himself in grave danger trying to find out whose side Morgana is really on, and he's forced to call the Great Dragon to save himself. |
THE POWER OF THE DALEKS
5:50pm - 6:15pm
[SCENE_BREAK]
SCENE 1 - CAPSULE INTERIOR
(The Daleks are gathering inside their production plant.)
SECOND DALEK: Orders received. Exterminate all humans!
FIRST DALEK: Exterminate all humans!
SECOND DALEK: Exterminate! Annihilate! Destroy! Daleks conquer and destroy!
ALL DALEKS: (In unison.) Daleks conquer and destroy! Daleks conquer and destroy! Daleks conquer and destroy! Daleks conquer and destroy! Daleks conquer and destroy! Daleks conquer and destroy! Daleks conquer and destroy! Daleks conquer and destroy! Daleks conquer and destroy! Daleks conquer and destroy!
(One by one, they glide from the capsule.)
FIRST DALEK: Take up positions. Ready to exterminate all human beings.
SECOND DALEK: Exterminate!
DALEKS: (In unison.) Exterminate! Exterminate! Exterminate! Exterminate!
[SCENE_BREAK]
SCENE 2 - CORRIDOR
(In one of the corridors of the colony, two guards are escorting the Doctor, Polly and Quinn back to the detention area. Suddenly, the Doctor halts as he sights a Dalek at the far end of the corridor.)
FIRST GUARD: Move on!
DOCTOR: The Dalek!
POLLY: What about it?
DOCTOR: Can't you see it's armed?
FIRST GUARD: Keep moving!
(The guard shoves the three prisoners further along the corridor. The Dalek, however, moves into the corridor, barring their passage.)
DALEK: This area is restricted.
QUINN: On whose authority?
FIRST GUARD: Silence!
(The Dalek scans the group. Its eye-stick remains on the Doctor a few seconds longer.)
DALEK: Repeat. This area is restricted.
(Another Dalek glides into the corridor.)
SECOND DALEK: Obey or you shall be exterminated.
QUINN: I thought they obeyed us?
POLLY: What do we do now, Doctor?
QUINN: (Quickly glancing up and down the corridor.) This way.
(The Doctor, Polly, and Quinn rush back down the corridor. The guards hesitate a moment, before deciding to follow them. The two Daleks watch intently as the humans leave.)
FIRST DALEK: They will be exterminated.
[SCENE_BREAK]
SCENE 3 - GOVERNOR'S OFFICE
(Bragen is sitting behind the Governor's desk, when an excited Janley bursts into the room.)
JANLEY: We've won. The revolution's over. I'll pass the word to Valmar, Kebble and the rest.
BRAGEN: Wait. The revolution is not quite over yet.
JANLEY: What more can we do? Hensell's dead, you're the new Governor. The battle's over.
BRAGEN: Not quite. You mentioned Kebble, Valmar and that rabble. Well now they must be dealt with.
JANLEY: But those are our own men.
BRAGEN: Huh, huh. Of course.
JANLEY: I don't understand.
BRAGEN: Do you think I can ever be secure in that chair while that rabble are still loose? They rebelled against Hensell yesterday. Tomorrow it'll be my turn. Well, let them rebel. Tell them the guards have taken control. Let them attack, and then we can crush them, utterly!
JANLEY: You say "we".
BRAGEN: Yes. We've come a long way together you and I. You going to back down now?
(Just outside the room, Valmar has heard the sounds of conversation.)
JANLEY: Couldn't you just arrest them?
BRAGEN: Everyone must be killed.
JANLEY: Must they all be slaughtered?
BRAGEN: All of them.
(Unseen by Janley, Bragen reaches into a drawer, and retrieves a gun.)
BRAGEN: Well, are you still with me?
JANLEY: I suppose so.
BRAGEN: Then do as I say. (Tossing the gun on the desk.) I'm glad you agreed with me.
(Janley stares at the gun in shock. Outside the room, Valmar frowns, and rushes away.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
SCENE 4 - CORRIDOR
(The Doctor, Polly and Quinn continue walking along a corridor. One of the guards has now moved in front of the party, while the second guard remains at the rear. As the first guard walks through an intersection, an unarmed Dalek suddenly appears from the side-corridor. With the first guard effectively blocked, the Doctor realises this is the opportunity for escape.)
DOCTOR: Now!
(The Doctor closes his eyes, and waves his recorder towards Quinn. Quinn suddenly spins around, and knocks the rear guard to the floor. The Doctor slowly opens his eyes, and notices the guard lying unconscious on the floor. Meanwhile, the guard at the front has noticed the disturbance. He draws his pistol to fire, but the Doctor, Polly and Quinn have already disappeared back down the corridor.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
SCENE 5 - GUEST QUARTERS
(Brandishing a pistol, Valmar forces Ben into the rest room.)
BEN: What have you brought me in here for?
VALMAR: (Peering out of the door.) Quiet!
BEN: Whose side are you on anyway?
VALMAR: I thought I was going to be on the winning side.
BEN: What changed your mind?
VALMAR: Bragen. The colony's become too small for him. He wants us out of the way now.
BEN: Yeah, well it often happens that way, mate, when you follow blokes like him.
VALMAR: Look, I'm going to try and get your friends here, if I can. So wait here.
(Valmar rushes from the room.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
SCENE 6 - GOVERNOR'S OFFICE
(In the Governor's room, the communications device buzzes. Bragen switches on the monitor to reveal a guard.)
GUARD: Station One reporting, Governor Bragen.
BRAGEN: Yes.
GUARD: The rebels are gathering. We've got them under observation.
BRAGEN: Don't let them concentrate in large groups. Hit them before they organise. They'll be making their move any time now.
GUARD: Right.
(Bragen turns off the communications device. He then reaches for a microphone.)
BRAGEN: People of Vulcan. This is your new Governor talking to you. I have to announce that Governor Hensell has been murdered by the rebels. I have taken control temporarily, until order is restored. People living on the perimeter and in the interior can stay calm. We know who the murderers are.
[SCENE_BREAK]
SCENE 7 - GUEST QUARTERS
BRAGEN: (From speaker.) I shall keep you informed of events as soon as I am able, so listen for the signal to watch your communication sets. That is all.
(Ben is lying patiently on the bed, when the Doctor, Polly and Quinn burst into the room.)
DOCTOR: Ah! There you are.
POLLY: Ben!
DOCTOR: I knew you'd be all right!
BEN: Polly - you okay?
POLLY: Oh, yes.
BEN: Did Valmar find you, then?
POLLY: Valmar? No.
QUINN: What's this about Valmar?
BEN: Well it seems Bragen's gone power-mad. He wants the rebels to revolt, then he can finish them off.
DOCTOR: The Daleks won't care who they fight. They'll exterminate every human being on this planet.
POLLY: Doctor, please let's go back to the TARDIS.
DOCTOR: (Hurrying towards the door.) Quinn. Keep them both here.
BEN: Well, wait a minute, Doctor!
(Ben tries to follow the Doctor, but Quinn prevents him from leaving.)
BEN: All right. All right.
QUINN: Now what do you think he's up to?
[SCENE_BREAK]
SCENE 8 - CORRIDOR
(Nearby, a group of Daleks has just received its orders.)
FIRST DALEK: Orders received. Daleks commence extermination.
DALEKS: (In unison.) Exterminate! Exterminate! Exterminate!
[SCENE_BREAK]
SCENE 9 - CORRIDOR
(Gunfire commences throughout the colony. Hurrying down a corridor, the Doctor rushes straight into Kebble and two armed guards.)
KEBBLE: Just a minute, Examiner.
GUARD: All right. Hold it!
(Suddenly, a Dalek appears in the corridor.)
DOCTOR: Down everyone!
(The Doctor flings himself to the ground, waving to the others to follow his lead. The Dalek fires. One of the guards is hit by the lethal ray. Crawling furiously along the ground, the Doctor yanks Kebble to the ground as the Dalek fires again. The other two guards are hit. As they collapse to the floor, the Doctor and Kebble zigzag their way up the corridor.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
SCENE 10 - LESTERSON'S LABORATORY
(In the laboratory, Valmar is connecting a small wire to three Daleks when Janley rushes into the room. Valmar quickly holds up the nearest wire.)
VALMAR: Don't come any nearer.
JANLEY: What do you mean?
VALMAR: I overheard your conversation with Bragen. But you can't stand up to the Daleks, so your plan will come to nothing.
JANLEY: Not my plan - Bragen's.
VALMAR: But that's the same thing.
JANLEY: Not any more.
VALMAR: You expect me to believe that?
JANLEY: Look Val, he was going to kill me too. I came here to do exactly what you've done. Let Bragen see what the Daleks are like. He doesn't know how strong they are.
(Three Daleks suddenly glide from the capsule.)
JANLEY: He's got to be stopped.
FIRST DALEK: You will lead us to the middle of your party of human beings.
VALMAR: Yes.
FIRST DALEK: We will fight for you.
JANLEY: Believe me, Val, it's the only way to save all our lives.
VALMAR: Did you know that the Daleks are duplicating?
JANLEY: Yes.
FIRST DALEK: But we are your friends.
SECOND DALEK: We will serve you.
FIRST DALEK: Take us to the centre of your group.
VALMAR: Can we trust them?
JANLEY: We must! The guards have orders to wipe us out. We must use the Daleks. Come on.
(Janley sprints from the laboratory, followed by Valmar and the Daleks.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
SCENE 11 - GUEST QUARTERS
(The Doctor reappears, and immediately glances around the surroundings.)
POLLY: Doctor!
DOCTOR: The window. Does it open?
BEN: I dunno.
DOCTOR: It had better, or we're done for! Out you go.
POLLY: Ah!... Ah!... What's happening?
DOCTOR: The Daleks. They're teeming all over the corridors. We've got to get back to Lesterson's lab.
(Ben and Quinn manage to force the window open. They assist Polly through the window first. Ben and Quinn hurriedly follow. Just as the Doctor is about to follow, Kebble bursts into the room, waving his arms frantically. Suddenly, there is the sound of Dalek fire. Kebble's back arches in agony - he collapses dead to the floor. The Dalek appears in the room a moment later. The Doctor quickly scrambles through the window.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
SCENE 12 - GOVERNOR'S TERRACE
(Bragen is speaking into the microphone again.)
BRAGEN: This is Governor Bragen speaking. A group of rebels is attempting to take over the colony. It is the duty of all loyal citizens to help the guards resist. Stay in your homes. Order will be restored. Listen to my bulletins.
(A guard marches into the room as Bragen turns the scanner off.)
GUARD: The rebels are using the Daleks against our people!
BRAGEN: Well, get back and fight! Why do you come running to me? What do you think your guns are for?
GUARD: Well, the guns don't work against them!
BRAGEN: Get back and fight them!
[SCENE_BREAK]
SCENE 13 - CORRIDOR
(The rebels have constructed a barricade of boxes. They exchange gunfire with a group of guards further down the corridor. Janley and Valmar suddenly appear, and join the rest of the rebels behind the barricade. Janley is holding onto the Dalek control device. The Dalek glides up a moment later.)
JANLEY: (To the Dalek, indicating the guards.) There, and there!
(The Dalek fires, and hits one of the guards.)
JANLEY: Over there!
(The Dalek fires again, but this time, hits the barricade.)
JANLEY: No! No! Over there! They're our people!
VALMAR: Cut the Dalek gun off!
JANLEY: No! Ah!...
(Janley presses the control device frantically, but this has no effect in halting the Dalek fire. The barricade is completely destroyed, and two rebels lie dead on the ground. Valmar snatches the device from Janley.)
VALMAR: I told you to cut the gun off!
JANLEY: I did!
VALMAR: You've killed our own people!
(Valmar rips a wire from the control device. The Dalek moves back slightly.)
VALMAR: We have to dismantle the gun, that's all.
JANLEY: Oh, look at it.
DALEK: Your usefulness is over.
(The Dalek raises its gun, just as another guard rushes into the corridor. The guard raises his gun, and fires at the Dalek. The Dalek spins around, and exterminates the guard.)
JANLEY: Come on!
(Janley quickly races from the corridor, but soon realises that Valmar is not following. She realises Valmar is staring at the guard's dead body.)
JANLEY: Quick, Val. Come on!
[SCENE_BREAK]
SCENE 14 - LESTERSON'S LABORATORY
(The Doctor, Ben and Polly rush into the laboratory. Lesterson, who is hiding behind a workbench, waves them over.)
POLLY: Doctor, it's stupid to hide in here!
BEN: Well, do you fancy your chances outside in the corridor? No thanks.
DOCTOR: The answer must be here somewhere.
LESTERSON: Ssssh!
POLLY: Ah!...
(A Dalek emerges from the capsule, and glides out of the laboratory.)
LESTERSON: You must be absolutely quiet. They know everything that's going on. Everything! They even know what you're thinking.
(Ben and Polly exchange looks of puzzlement.)
BEN: Where do they get their power from, Lesterson?
LESTERSON: Ah, I tried to turn the power off. But they were miles ahead of me. Marvellous creatures. You have to admire them.
BEN: But we've got to stop them!
LESTERSON: Oh, it's too late for that. They're the new species, you see. Taking over from homo sapiens. Man's had his day. Finished now.
(Lesterson holds his hand up for silence as the Dalek returns to the laboratory. Another Dalek appears from the capsule.)
FIRST DALEK: The static circuit is nearly complete.
SECOND DALEK: Soon we can abandon the power we are using.
(From outside the laboratory, there is a terrifying scream.)
FIRST DALEK: The humans are being exterminated.
(The two Daleks glide back into the capsule.)
BEN: Did you hear that? They're going to use their own power!
DOCTOR: The cables they laid. The trick I tried before won't work anymore.
LESTERSON: Oh, eh, if that's no good now, we're finished. All we can do is marvel at the creatures who are taking our place.
(Lesterson smiles insanely as he peers over the workbench.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
SCENE 15 - CORRIDOR
(Janley rushes down a corridor, followed by an uncertain Valmar.)
VALMAR: (Yelling to Janley.) No!
JANLEY: Come on!
(Valmar stops, realising that Janley in running into danger.)
VALMAR: Don't be a fool - come on!
(Quinn suddenly appears and joins Valmar. Janley continues running up the corridor. A Dalek glides from a side-corridor, and aims its gun-stick towards Janley. The Dalek fires and kills Janley.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
SCENE 16 - LESTERSON'S LABORATORY
(Janley's scream is heard in the laboratory. Polly shivers, causing Ben to place a comforting arm around her shoulder.)
BEN: Take it easy, Polly.
POLLY: Can't we do anything?! They're murdering everybody, one by one!
(Polly weeps uncontrollably, as Ben turns to Lesterson, glaring at the scientist.)
BEN: You've done all this. Why did you give them power in the first place?
(The Doctor places his hand on Ben's shoulder, and shakes his head slightly.)
LESTERSON: Well, I could control it, you see. And then Janley got one of her men -- Valmar, I think it was, yes -- and he rigged up a secret cable. It's carrying power directly from the colony's supply.
DOCTOR: Where? Where is it, Lesterson?
LESTERSON: Valmar's the only one who can answer that. Or the Daleks of course. They know everything. Yes, you should ask the Daleks.
BEN: Then we must find Valmar.
DOCTOR: No! You stay here and look after Polly.
(Shouting is heard from the corridor outside.)
DOCTOR: I'll go.
(The Doctor looks sympathetically at his companions, and then races outside.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
SCENE 17 - CORRIDOR
(Throughout the colony, men and women are being mercilessly exterminated by the Daleks.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
SCENE 18 - CORRIDOR
(Kneeling next to the body of Janley, Valmar sobs quietly. Quinn moves up, and crouches down behind Valmar.)
QUINN: You'll have to leave her now, Valmar.
VALMAR: She wasn't as bad as you think.
(The Doctor suddenly appears at one end of the corridor.)
DOCTOR: Valmar! Where is the Dalek power.
(A guard suddenly staggers into the corridor, and collapses on to the floor.)
QUINN: (To the Doctor and Valmar.) Get down, both of you!
(Quinn drags Valmar to the floor, as the Doctor lies down motionless next to a wall. A few seconds later, a Dalek glides down the corridor, examining the 'bodies' for any signs of life. The Dalek hesitates a moment as it examines the Doctor's body, but glides away satisfied. As soon as the Dalek disappears, the Doctor, Quinn and Valmar stand up.)
DOCTOR: Valmar! Where is the Dalek power supply?
(Valmar stares blankly into space.)
QUINN: We've got to stop them, Valmar. She's dead! There's nothing you can do for her!
VALMAR: The main cable's inside the capsule. But there's nothing you can do.
QUINN: There must be some way of cutting off the power.
DOCTOR: What makes you think I want to do that? We need more time. I know. A diversion. Bragen's guards. We'll have to use them to keep the Daleks busy. You go to Bragen.
(The Doctor and Quinn race off in opposite directions.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
SCENE 19 - GOVERNOR'S OFFICE
(Bragen is frantically flicking switches on the communications device.)
BRAGEN: Section One? Where's your report? Are you there Section One? Section Two? Section Two? Why don't they answer? Can you hear me Section Two? Section Three? Oh, why don't they answer? I'm their Governor. Why don't they answer?
(Bragen bashes the desk in frustration.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
SCENE 20 - CORRIDOR
(The colony is littered with dead bodies. The Daleks silently move through the corridors, searching the colony for any further signs of life. Throughout the colony, Bragen's voice is heard from the public address system.)
BRAGEN: This is Bragen speaking. I'm speaking to the Daleks. Daleks, listen to me. I am the Governor. You must work for me. Do not trust the rebels. I will give you whatever you want. But immobilise your guns. This is the Governor speaking.
[SCENE_BREAK]
SCENE 21 - LESTERSON'S LABORATORY
BEN: He's nuts, trying to talk to the Daleks.
(Ben notices a cupboard nearby.)
BEN: Lesterson, what's in that cupboard?
LESTERSON: Nothing. It's quite empty.
BEN: Well, come on, Polly, we'll be safe in there, love.
(Ben ushers Polly and Lesterson into the cupboard. Just as Ben climbs into the cupboard himself, a Dalek emerges from the capsule.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
SCENE 22 - GOVERNOR'S TERRACE
(Bragen continues speaking into the microphone.)
BRAGEN: Do you hear me, Daleks?! You will obey my orders!
QUINN: (Entering.) No use, Bragen. The Daleks have stopped obeying your orders.
BRAGEN: Ah! Guards!
QUINN: Dead! The Daleks have killed them. You still have your guard units in the interior. How long will it take them to get here?
BRAGEN: That depends.
QUINN: Well, get them!
BRAGEN: Well, they will be intercepted by the Daleks.
QUINN: Exactly! It will draw them away from here and give the Doctor a chance to deal with them.
BRAGEN: I refuse to allow my guards to be sacrificed.
QUINN: In that case the Daleks will destroy everything on this colony.
(Bragen hesitates, and reaches for the microphone.)
BRAGEN: Guards. This is Bragen speaking. All units will report immediately to the capital. Be prepared to face the rebel Daleks.
(Bragen switches off the microphone.)
BRAGEN: There. Are you satisfied?
QUINN: (Keeping his gun on Bragen.) I hope it works.
[SCENE_BREAK]
SCENE 23 - LESTERSON'S LABORATORY
(The Doctor and Valmar creep into the laboratory. A concerned expression appears on the Doctor's face when he fails to notice Ben or Polly.)
DOCTOR: Ben! Polly!
(Ben and Polly emerge from the cupboard.)
BEN: Doctor, did you hear what Bragen said?
DOCTOR: Yes, I did.
BEN: Well I only hope the Daleks do go for the guards.
POLLY: A lot of the Daleks went out just now.
DOCTOR: Good, because we're going inside. Come on Valmar...
(Ben and Polly protest, but the Doctor is already scurrying into the capsule. The Doctor reappears a few seconds later, holding one the junction boxes.)
DOCTOR: Ben, give us that spare cable over there. Polly, keep watch at the door.
(The Doctor yanks a cable from the junction box, as Ben drags over another cable lying in the corner of the laboratory. The Doctor snatches the cable from Ben, looks at the tip uncertainly, and then plugs it into the junction box.)
BEN: Well, you know what you're doing?
DOCTOR: Of course I do!
BEN: Well, why can't you just take all the plugs out and cut the power off?
DOCTOR: Because I prefer to do it my way!
POLLY: Look out!
(The Doctor, Ben and Polly take cover behind the workbench as a Dalek glides into the laboratory. Another Dalek emerges from the capsule.)
SECOND DALEK: Static power is being stored. We can dismantle the human electric system.
FIRST DALEK: The law of the Daleks is in force.
SECOND DALEK: Extermination of humans.
(The First Dalek scans the laboratory, sensing something is wrong.)
FIRST DALEK: Our cables have been moved.
(The two Daleks notice the new cable threading its way to the workbench. They glide towards the workbench just as Lesterson emerges from the cupboard.)
LESTERSON: And I could tell you who did it!
FIRST DALEK: What were you doing in there?
LESTERSON: I want to help you.
FIRST DALEK: Why?
(The Doctor waves at Ben and Polly to keep themselves hidden behind the bench. He then creeps over towards the main switch.)
LESTERSON: (Impersonating a Dalek.) I am your servant.
FIRST DALEK: We do not need humans now.
LESTERSON: Ah, then, but you wouldn't kill me. I gave you life.
FIRST DALEK: Yes, you gave us life.
(Suddenly the Dalek fires, and Lesterson is struck by the deadly ray. Lesterson collapses to the ground. The Doctor watches in horror as the Daleks turn towards Ben and Polly. The Doctor rushes towards the generator, and plugs in the other end of the cable. Nothing happens. The Doctor frantically pulls at every switch he sees. Finally, there is a loud explosion. Ben and Polly dive to the floor, as the Doctor presses one more switch. The Daleks suddenly spin around the laboratory uncontrollably, with their lights flashing erratically, and smoke belching from their casings.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
SCENE 24 - CORRIDOR
(Throughout the colony, Daleks explode, filling the corridors with a dense layer of smoke.)
FIRST DALEK: Ah!... Ah!... Ah!... Ah!... Ah!... Ah!... Ah!... Ah!... Ah!...
SECOND DALEK: There are two...
FIRST DALEK: Exterminate! Ah!... Ah!... Exterminate!
[SCENE_BREAK]
SCENE 25 - GOVERNOR'S TERRACE
(Quinn and Bragen stare at a Dalek in amazement, as smoke billows from its casing.)
BRAGEN: What happened to it?
QUINN: I don't know.
BRAGEN: It seems that your friend, the Examiner, was successful after all.
(Bragen suddenly leaps from behind the desk, and chops the gun from Quinn's hand. Bragen quickly shoves Quinn to the ground, and picks up the gun.)
BRAGEN: Now I shall restore law and order on this planet.
QUINN: Not your law, Bragen. That's finished for good.
BRAGEN: (Raising the gun.) You'll obey me, or...
QUINN: Your day is over, Bragen. No one will obey you now.
BRAGEN: I'm still the Governor, and you will...
(As Bragen's finger tightens on the trigger, a shot rings out. Bragen grimaces in pain, as he is hit in the shoulder. His gun clatters to the floor. Both Quinn and Bragen turn towards the door, and notice Valmar standing in the doorway, with gun raised.)
BRAGEN: Valmar.
(Bragen makes a move towards the gun on the floor, but Valmar fires again. Bragen slumps to the floor.)
VALMAR: He was a murderer.
(Valmar throws the gun away in disgust.)
VALMAR: Enough of guns.
QUINN: There's a lot of clearing up to be done. We will rebuild together. What is the extent of the damage?
VALMAR: Oh, I don't know if its repairable. The whole electrical system.
(Quinn and Valmar walk from the room.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
SCENE 26 - LESTERSON'S LABORATORY
(Ben and Polly kneel next to the Doctor's semi-conscious body. Quinn and Valmar stride into the room.)
QUINN: Are you all right?
BEN: Oh, he's OK. The clot knocked himself out.
(The Doctor suddenly leaps to his feet, with a wild expression on his face. When he sees Ben and Polly, his mouth breaks into a broad grin.)
QUINN: It's a miracle. How did you do it?
DOCTOR: Eh? What happened? What did I do? What did I do?
BEN: You destroyed the Daleks, that's what you did!
POLLY: No need to be modest about it.
(The Doctor looks around the laboratory in awe.)
DOCTOR: Did I do that?
POLLY: You know you did!
VALMAR: You used the power from the colony's electric supply -- overfed it -- and blew up their temporary static circuit. Well didn't you?
DOCTOR: (Rubbing his hands together gleefully.) Did I do all that?
VALMAR: You may have stopped the Daleks, but have you any idea of the damage you've done to the colony?
DOCTOR: Oh. There was a blow back, was there?
VALMAR: A blow back? Our power supply has been destroyed! It'll be months before we can get things back to normal.
QUINN: Valmar!
DOCTOR: That is unfortunate.
VALMAR: But did it have to be this way?
DOCTOR: I did a lot of damage, did I?
QUINN: Come on.
(The Doctor turns to Ben and Polly, lowering his voice.)
DOCTOR: I think we'd better get out of here before they send us the bill. (Chuckles.)
(As Quinn and Valmar inspect the damage in the laboratory, the Doctor, Ben and Polly move towards the door.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
SCENE 27 - TARDIS EXTERIOR
(The Doctor and his companions stroll through the mercury swamp. The Doctor plays a tune on his recorder.)
BEN: Well, I mean I didn't expect the brass bands to be playing, but I wouldn't have thought a 'thank you' would have hurt anybody.
POLLY: But Ben, think of all those poor people - all killed.
BEN: I know, but the Doctor saved the colony from being completely wiped out.
POLLY: Hmmm.
BEN: Yeah, and he was telling them all along, but would they listen?
POLLY: Mind you, he wasn't very convincing when he was trying to explain it to Valmar and Quinn and everybody.
BEN: No he wasn't, was he?
POLLY: Doctor? You did know what you were doing, didn't you?
(The Doctor pauses, and removes the recorder from his lips. He looks seriously at Ben and Polly, before grinning. He then gives his companions a wink before moving off again. A few moments later, the Doctor and his companions have arrived back at the TARDIS. A Dalek casing sits next to the TARDIS. The Doctor opens the TARDIS door, and gives the Dalek a concerned glance.)
BEN: Oh, you needn't worry about them anymore, Doctor. Just a heap of old iron now.
(Ben slaps the Dalek casing light-heartedly. He and Polly then stroll into the TARDIS. As the Doctor continues playing his recorder, the TARDIS dematerialises. Suddenly, the Dalek sucker-stick moves up, ever so slightly.) | Plan: A: The Daleks; Q: Who begins their attack while the battle rages between the loyalists and rebels? A: their attack; Q: What do the Daleks begin? A: the Doctor; Q: Who tries to stop the Daleks plot? Summary: The Daleks begin their attack while the battle rages between the loyalists and the rebels and it falls to the Doctor to make an attempt to stop the Daleks plot. |
Scene: The apartment.
Penny (entering): Hi. Did Sheldon change the Wi-Fi password again?
Leonard: Yeah, it's "Penny already eats our food, she can pay for Wi-Fi." No spaces.
Penny: Okay. If you can't get me to stop eating your food, what makes you think you can get me to stop using your Wi-Fi?
Sheldon: I believe that you're capable of great change. Like when I finally got you to stop saying Valentimes Day.
Leonard: You want to hear something weird?
Penny: Sure.
Sheldon: In the year 2000, Pope John Paul II was named an honorary Harlem Globetrotter.
Leonard: What are you talking about?
Sheldon: You asked Penny if she wanted to hear something weird.
Leonard: Yeah, because I have something weird to tell her.
Sheldon: Oh. I thought it was a game.
Penny: What's yours?
Leonard: There's this guy, Jimmy Speckerman, who used to torment me in high school. He sent me a message through Facebook. He's in town and wants to have drinks.
Sheldon: Okay, Penny, if it were a game, here are your choices. An e-mail from an old acquaintance, or the head of one of the largest religious institutions in the world slam dunking to Sweet Georgia Brown. Pick.
Leonard: Just do it, 'cause he's not gonna let it go.
Penny: Basketball Pope.
Sheldon: And that's how it's done.
Penny: What are you gonna do about your bully? Are you gonna see him?
Leonard: I don't know.
Sheldon: Is this the fellow who peed in your Hawaiian Punch?
Leonard: No, that was a different guy.
Sheldon: Was he the one who wedgied you so hard, your testicle reascended, and you spent your whole Christmas break waiting for it to come back down?
Leonard: No, that was a different, different guy.
Sheldon: Was he the one who used your head to open a nut?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: Oh, oh, oh. Was he the one who made you eat your arm hair?
Leonard: No, but, actually, that was this guy's sister.
Penny: All right, well, what do you think he wants?
Leonard: I don't know.
Sheldon: You know, the holidays are just around the corner. Maybe he wants to see if he can lodge the other testicle up there.
Leonard: I told you. That was a different guy.
Penny: Hmm. That's too bad. We could have spent New Year's Eve waiting for the ball to drop. Credits sequence.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: It's two a.m. What are you doing up?
Sheldon: Nobel Prize acceptance ceremony streaming live from Stockholm.
Leonard: Sure. You want to see what all the scientists are wearing this year.
Sheldon: Look at these men. They've managed to win the top science prize in the world with no more understanding of the quantum underpinnings of the expansion of the early universe than God gave a goose. You should pay attention, Leonard. Someday this could be you up there.
Leonard: Thanks.
Sheldon: So, what's got you up? Did you have a bad clam?
Leonard: I didn't have clams.
Sheldon: I don't watch you 24 hours a day. I don't know what you do.
Leonard: It's this Jimmy Speckerman thing. I can't decide if I should agree to see him or not. Of course that might be because the last time I ran into him, he made me floss with my own shoelaces.
Sheldon: Wear loafers. Look at Dr. Saul Perlmutter up there, clutching that Nobel Prize. What's the matter, Saul? You afraid someone's going to steal it? Like you stole Einstein's cosmological constant?
Leonard: You know what? I am tired of living in fear of this guy. I'm gonna go see him and finally say all the things I should have said in high school. You know, pick on someone your own size, you did not have s*x with my mother, and yes, I do know why I'm hitting myself."
Sheldon: Oh, now Perlmutter's shaking the King's hand. Yeah, check for your watch, Gustaf. He might have lifted it.
Scene: Penny's bedroom.
Bernadette: I love this dress. How come I never see you wear it?
Penny: 'Cause when I wear it, it's a shirt. So, what's Howard doing tonight?
Bernadette: Oh, they all went with Leonard to confront his childhood bully.
Penny: Oh, terrific. High school quarterback against four mathletes.
Amy: When Leonard gets back, I'd love to check his serotonin levels. Do you think he'd let me draw a syringe full of his blood?
Penny: Hmm, he's not crazy about needles, but if you get him to go jogging, it'll just pour out of his nose.
Bernadette: I don't think I can meet the girl who was always mean to me. Tammy Bodnick. One time while I was in gym class, she stole all my clothes and left an elf costume in my locker.
Penny: Oh, that's awful.
Bernadette: Worst part was, it was too big.
Amy: That's nothing. In ninth grade, the girls put Rogaine in my hand lotion. Within six months, the nicknames began to fly. I think the one that hurt the most was Gorilla Fingers Fowler.
Penny: Wow. You poor thing.
Bernadette: What about you?
Penny: Oh. I don't know. I guess my school was a nice place. We didn't really have bullies.
Amy: Come on, no one ever gave anyone mean nicknames or picked on them or put gum in their hairy knuckles so the school nurse had to use peanut butter to get it out?
Penny: No, we weren't really like that. I mean, look, we played pranks on each other, but it was never mean. Like, okay, this one girl, Kathy Geiger, got really good grades, so we blindfolded her, tied her up and left her in a cornfield overnight.
Bernadette: Oh, my God, that's awful.
Penny: No, it was funny. Everyone laughed.
Amy: Did Kathy Geiger laugh?
Penny: Uh, probably. It's hard to say. She kind of had an ear of corn in her mouth.
Amy: Who would have thought Fuzzy Fingers Fowler is best friends with a bully?
Penny: What? I was not a bully.
Bernadette: Kind of sounds like you were. And maybe a felon.
Amy: Shh. That's how you wind up in a cornfield.
Scene: A bar.
Raj: Is that him over there?
Leonard: No.
Raj: How about that guy? He looks like he'd hate you.
Leonard: You know, I can really do this by myself.
Howard: Hey, we're here to support you, buddy.
Leonard: No, you're not. You're here to see if I get my underwear pulled over my head.
Howard: You wore underwear? You fool.
Raj: So, have you figured out what you're going to say to him?
Leonard: You bet. I am going to make him apologize for all the crap he pulled on me in school.
Howard: That's quite a list. I can't read your handwriting, what's that word?
Leonard: Scrotum.
Raj: What's that one?
Leonard: Uh, stapled.
Jimmy (arriving): Leonard.
Leonard: Oh, hi.
Jimmy: Holy crap, man, it's good to see you.
Leonard: Yeah. You, too. Uh, Jimmy, this is Sheldon and Raj and Howard.
Jimmy: Hi. Fellas. Hey, can I get a beer? Wow. Look at you. Little Leonard Hofstadter. I hear you're a big-time scientist now.
Sheldon: And there's the first zinger. Ouch.
Leonard: I'm doing okay, I guess.
Jimmy: Okay? Come on, I read online you're a physicist at a university, you won some medal.
Leonard: The Newcomb medal.
Jimmy: Yeah, congratulations.
Sheldon: Congratulations? The Newcomb medal? Oh, please. That's the scientific equivalent of a smiley face sticker on your homework.
Jimmy: From what I read, it sounded like a big deal.
Sheldon: Oh, good Lord, are we going to stand here and listen to him tear Leonard apart like this?
Raj: Hey, I won a Newcomb medal, too.
Sheldon: My point.
Jimmy: You should have seen this guy back in the day. Huh? He was so little, he could fit in just about anywhere. Lockers, trash cans. Oh, man, how did you get inside that backpack?
Leonard: Oh, I can't take all the credit. You helped a lot.
Jimmy: Yeah. We were practically a comedy team.
Howard: Like the Black Death and Europe.
Leonard: Jimmy, I'm kind of curious why you wanted to see me.
Jimmy: Okay, here it is. I have this great money-making idea. I just need a gear head to get it to the finish line.
Sheldon: Technically, Howard's the gear head. Leonard's just a dime store laser jockey.
Leonard: What's the idea?
Jimmy: This is just between us, right?
Leonard: Right.
Jimmy: Okay. What do you think about a pair of glasses that makes any movie you want into 3D?
Raj: That sounds amazing. First movie I'm watching, Annie.
Howard: How exactly would these glasses work?
Jimmy: How the hell should I know? That's why I need a nerd.
Leonard: I don't think something like that's even possible.
Jimmy: Aw, come on, you can figure it out. You're like the smartest guy I've ever known.
Sheldon: The smartest? All right, you know, I may not have a firm grasp on sarcasm, but even I know that was a doozy. Leonard, you can't live in fear of this man forever.
Leonard: Sheldon, I got this.
Sheldon: You clearly don't. What my spineless friend lacks the courage to say is you're a terrible person who took advantage of his tiny size, his uncoordinated nature and his congenital lack of masculinity.
Leonard: Sheldon.
Sheldon: Leonard, I platonically love you, man, but face it, you're a mess.
Jimmy: I don't understand.
Leonard: I think what he's trying to say is that maybe in high school you picked on me a little bit.
Sheldon: A little bit? The man Super Glued Hershey's Kisses to your nipples.
Raj: That's funny because those aren't the kind of kisses you want on your nipples.
Jimmy: What is that?
Sheldon: This is a list of your heinous acts against Leonard. One of which is certainly the cause of him wetting his bed well into his teens.
Leonard: 14 is not, oh , yeah, never mind.
Jimmy: What's this word?
Leonard: Nancy. You called me Nancy for three years.
Sheldon: You really need to work on your penmanship.
Jimmy: Oh, man, I, I don't know what to say. I always thought we were just having some fun.
Leonard: It wasn't fun for me.
Sheldon: You're being too kind, Leonard. You ruined him.
Leonard: Come on, guys.
Raj: That was pretty badass, dude.
Sheldon: I help the weak. It's yet another way I'm exactly like Batman.
Leonard: Hey, for the record, Jimmy wasn't the reason I wet the bed. That one has my mother written all over it.
Scene: Penny's bedroom. Penny is on the phone.
Penny: Anyway, I'm really sorry I made fun of your stutter in high school.
Bernadette: You're doing great.
Penny: Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Oh, God, just finish the sentence. Okay, well, I'm sorry you feel that way. Bye. No one wants to hear my apologies.
Amy: I think your mistake is doing it over the phone. If they could look into your eyes, they'd melt.
Bernadette: Penny, it doesn't matter what you did in the past. You're a good person now.
Penny: That's easy for you to say. You weren't just called a b-b-b-b-bitch.
Amy: Perhaps you could assuage your guilt through altruism. Which word's tripping you up? Assuage or altruism?
Penny: Both.
Bernadette: You'll feel better by doing something nice for someone.
Penny: I actually knew that.
Amy: I never doubted you.
Bernadette: Every other week I serve at a soup kitchen downtown.
Penny: Ooh, I can't do that. If I stand over a steaming pot, my hair just goes boing! What else could I do?
Amy: There's Habitat for Humanity, building houses for the poor.
Penny: Okay, come on, I don't even have my own house, I'm going to build one for someone else?
Amy: How about donating some of your clothes?
Penny: Oh, my God, that's perfect. 'Cause I have so many clothes I don't wear, and they're just taking up space, and I go shopping to buy more stuff and I have no place to put it. This will totally fix that.
Bernadette: What about helping people?
Penny: And helping people.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: Here's your cocoa.
Sheldon: Oh, half and half instead of whole milk?
Leonard: Yes.
Sheldon: Heated to precisely 183 degrees?
Leonard: Yes.
Sheldon: Seven little marshmallows, no more no less?
Leonard: You got one for good luck. (Knock on door) I'll get it.
Sheldon: One for good luck. Must be the kind of math they do at Princeton.
Jimmy: Hey.
Leonard: What are you doing here?
Jimmy: I want to apologize for stapling your balls and throwing you naked in the girls' locker room, stuffing that parrot down your pants. What's this word?
Leonard: Laxative.
Jimmy: Oh, right. Junior prom. That was not cool, man. I am so, so sorry.
Leonard: Really?
Jimmy: Yeah. I just hope you can forgive me.
Leonard: Uh, yeah. Sure, I guess.
Jimmy: You're a beautiful guy.
Leonard: Well, yeah, thanks, Jimmy.
Jimmy: Okay, I got to go.
Leonard: Are you okay to drive?
Jimmy: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I drive better drunk. You know, it makes you pay attention.
Leonard: No, no, no, come on in. I'll make you a cup of coffee.
Jimmy: I wouldn't be imposing?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: Yes.
Leonard: Sheldon, we can't let him drive.
Sheldon: Then take away his keys and make him wander the streets with the other drunks.
Leonard: You remember Sheldon and Raj and Howard.
Jimmy: Not really, no. It's funny, huh, Leonard? Back in school, I was the winner and you were the loser. And now we're reversed. You're the winner.
Sheldon: You'd think a winner could make a decent cup of cocoa.
Jimmy: You mind if I use your bathroom?
Leonard: Yeah, just back there.
Howard: How about that? After all these years, your big bad high school bully finally apologizes.
Leonard: Yeah. It kind of rekindles your faith in the basic goodness of people.
Sheldon: You know what would be nice?
Raj: What's that?
Sheldon: As a symbolic gesture to all the bullies who've tormented us for years, we open our home to Jimmy and once he's asleep we kill him. I said it would be nice, I didn't say we should do it.
Scene: The clothing bank.
Penny: Ah, I feel just like Mother Teresa. Except for the virgin part. That ship sailed a long time ago.
Bernadette: I think Mother Teresa would have washed the clothes first.
Penny: Yeah, well, I bet her laundry room wasn't down five flights of stairs. You know, giving really is better than receiving. I used to think it was such a cliche, but it seems to be the... oh, look at these cute jeans someone just threw away.
Bernadette: Donated.
Penny: Yes, to a poor waitress who loves a boot cut.
Bernadette: Penny.
Penny: Come on, they would be so cute on me, and, ah, they go great with this sweater!
Amy: I don't think Mother Teresa... Oh, that is adorable.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: Leonard.
Leonard: Yeah.
Sheldon: In case it comes up again, this right here is an imposition.
Leonard: What was I supposed to do? He needed a place to sleep it off.
Sheldon: You're soft. This world's going to chew you up and spit you out.
Jimmy (belching): When did I have tacos?
Leonard: Morning, Jimmy.
Sheldon: Oh, there it is, tacos.
Jimmy: Man, I tied one on.
Leonard: Yeah, you did. So, uh, listen, it was great to see you again. And , and, and thanks for the apology.
Jimmy: What apology?
Leonard: For all the crappy stuff you did to me in high school.
Jimmy: Geez, you're still harping on that? What a puss.
Leonard: That's my French toast.
Jimmy: It's good. You really know your way around a kitchen, Nancy.
Sheldon: I'm not going to say I told you so, but we could have killed him.
Leonard: I might kill him right now.
Sheldon: The Dark Knight has your back. He's scared, but he has your back.
Leonard: Okay, Jimmy, it's time for you to go.
Jimmy: Yeah, all right, let me just finish this.
Leonard: No, you're done. I want you out of my apartment right now.
Sheldon: Well said, Boy Wonder.
Jimmy: Or what?
Sheldon: Don't answer that. It's a trick question. I speak from experience.
Leonard: I'm not afraid of you any more, Jimmy. Now get out! (Pushes him) Uh-oh.
Scene: Running down the stairwell.
Sheldon: You did it, Leonard, you stood up to your bully.
Leonard: Yeah, I feel pretty good about myself. You think we can outrun him?
Sheldon: I don't need to outrun him, I just need to outrun you.
Scene: The clothes bank.
Bernadette: I don't feel good about this.
Penny: Then sit in the car and keep it running.
Amy: You were right, a whole new load.
Penny: Come on, yoga top. Mama needs a new yoga top.
Amy: Check it out, Bernadette, suede boots, your size.
Bernadette: God, they're cute. Oh, why did they have to be cute?
Penny: Wait, wait, wait, guys, just hang on.
Amy: What is it, the fuzz?
Penny: Look at us. What are we doing?
Amy: I was gleefully following you to a life of crime, looking forward to the day we might be cell mates. I don't know about Bernadette.
Penny: You know, this is wrong. Let's put everything back. Here.
Bernadette (taking boots and running): It's okay, I serve soup to poor people! | Plan: A: Jimmy Speckerman; Q: Who is the high school bully that Leonard receives a Facebook message from? A: Pasadena; Q: Where is Jimmy Speckerman? A: a drink; Q: What does Jimmy Speckerman want to have with Leonard? A: a bar; Q: Where does Leonard meet Jimmy Speckerman? A: Leonard's help; Q: What does Jimmy Speckerman need to implement his money-making idea? A: 3D-; Q: What does Jimmy Speckerman want to convert any movie into? A: the night; Q: How long does Speckerman stay at Leonard and Sheldon's apartment? A: the stairs; Q: Where did Speckerman chase Leonard and Sheldon down? A: the girls; Q: Who discuss Leonard meeting his high school bully? A: their own encounters; Q: What do the girls discuss about bullies? A: Penny; Q: Who tells that she played a prank on a smart girl in high school? A: a cornfield; Q: Where did Penny leave a girl she bullied in high school? A: a bully; Q: What did Penny reveal she was in her teens? A: Bernadette; Q: Who steals the boots Amy showed her? A: her past behavior; Q: What does Amy and Bernadette tell Penny she can make up for by doing charity? A: her old clothes; Q: What does Penny decide to give away to make up for her bullying? A: The next night; Q: When did Penny realize that she was wrong and put back the clothes she had stolen? A: more clothes; Q: What do Amy and Bernadette steal from the clothing bin the next night? A: poor people; Q: What does Bernadette serve soup to? Summary: Leonard receives a Facebook message from a high school bully Jimmy Speckerman which says that he is in Pasadena and wants to have a drink with him. When Leonard meets Speckerman at a bar, the latter reveals that he needs Leonard's help for implementing his potentially money-making idea- a pair of glasses that can convert any movie into 3D- to which Leonard replies that it is impossible to make such a pair of glasses. Sheldon then stands up for Leonard and tells Speckerman that he should apologize to Leonard for all the heinous acts he committed against him while in high school. Later that night, Speckerman comes over to Leonard and Sheldon's apartment drunk and apologizes to Leonard for all the atrocities he committed on him. Leonard forgives him and then lets him stay for the night as he is too drunk to drive, despite Sheldon's opposition. The next morning however, Speckerman once again bullies Leonard, forcing Leonard to finally stand up to his high school bully. This fails; Leonard and Sheldon end up being chased by Speckerman down the stairs instead. Meanwhile, the girls discuss Leonard meeting his high school bully and their own encounters with bullies. Penny tells that she had played a prank on a smart girl in high school by tying her up and leaving her in a cornfield, revealing that she was actually a bully in her teens. She feels bad for her behavior at school and tries to make amends by calling the people she had bullied to apologize, but they refuse to forgive her. Amy and Bernadette then tell her that she could make up for her past behavior by doing charity. Penny decides to give away her old clothes that she no longer wants, but when the girls go to the clothing bin, they instead steal other old clothes already in the bin. The next night, they return to the bin to steal more clothes, but then Penny realizes that what they are doing is wrong and puts back the clothes they had collected in the bin. However, Bernadette decides to take some boots Amy showed her earlier, and runs away saying "It's okay, I serve soup to poor people!" |
HOLIDAY CAMP
Rusty : I had so much fun with you guys this year. You were the nicest group of campers I've ever met. I'll see you next summer. OK, Pine Saplings. It's time to go home. Grow into big strong trees.
Kid 1 : I'm gonna put it in your nose.
Rusty : Dylan, not again! Put the pebble down. You OK?
Kid 2 : Yeah. Thanks, Rusty.
Man : Good save, Cartwright.
Rusty : I guess you could say when it comes to little boys I have the touch. That's not what I meant.
Man : Last day, son. Keep it together. All right, Pine Saplings gather round, gather round. Little Pine Saplings, take a seat.
Rusty : Dylan, sit.
Man : You boys may be leaving today, but remember this: Camp Tiny Pine is not just a place, but a feeling. A feeling that takes roo in your heart. So wear your evergreen friendship necklaces close to the trunk to remind you of the special time that you had here.
Rusty : Now go out there and proudly spread your seed. I'm really not sure
what's wrong with me today, sir. Not funny. WASHIGTON D.C - Casey office
Woman : Casey, the door.
Casey : Wait. I have to... Hold on. Sorry. What?
Max : Do I need to do something?
Casey : No, I have a code. I've never been so happy to see someone in my entire life.
Max : Let's hope that lasts the whole 11 hour car trip back to Cyprus. And that's 11 hours not including gas, food, bathrooms...
Casey : It could be 11 years.
Max : So, you ready to start a whole new year together?
Casey : Am I a horrible person for being partly glad your Caltech grant money fell through and you're stuck at Cyprus with me?
Max : I could never describe you as horrible.
Casey : Even though that part that's glad is way, way bigger than the other sad for you part?
Max : I forgive you.
Casey : All that stuff I told you bout the summer, let's just keep it between us, OK? I don't want anyone else to know. Not even Ashleigh.
Max : Your secret's safe with me. Credits
EXT. ZBZ HOUSE
Casey : Here we are.
Max : You gonna get out?
Casey : Totally.
Max : You having second thoughts?
Casey : Change is good. It's just... The thought of disappointing Ashleigh kind of scares the crap out of me.
Ashleigh : You're back, you're back!
Casey : Seatbelts!
Ashleigh : OK, Casey and I hav a lot of catching up to do, so you can just d your manly unpacking thing.
Casey : I missed you so much! OK, OK, so tell me Did you?
Ashleigh : It took 44 summer campus tours. But I did it. I am no longer Credit Plus' bitch. OK, I want to hear all about Washington because months of emails aren't good enough. But before that we hav two major house things to discuss. First, OK, I changed the rush balloons from pink and white to all gold.
Casey : What the hell?
Ashleigh : You're right. I knew it. The bling-bling thing is totally played out. This is a sorority, not a Beyonce video.
Casey : Why is Rebecca getting out of Frannie's car?
Frannie : Welcome back, Case! You look tired. Long drive?
Casey : Rebecca, what's going on?
Rebecca : We couldn't find parking in front of our house.
Ashleigh : That was the second major thing. Rebecca called last night and she's defecting to the Iota Kappa Iota house.
Casey : "Icky?"
Frannie : Iota Kappa Iota. Or the I-Kaps.
Ashleigh : Or the "Ickies."
Casey : Rebecca, you chose us. We initiated you last semester.
Rebecca : And I changed my mind. See you, girls, around Greek Row.
Ashleigh : Forget about stupid old Rebecca. With the Dynamic Duo on the job ZBZ will be unstoppable.
KT HOUSE - Party
Cappie : Summer! Hey Sppiter ! You promised to wear your Speedo.
Rusty : I just want to show these guys my new room. I finished the redesign. Hey, new guy.
Calvin : This is my boy, Andy. He and I used to play high school football.
Andy : I'm a freshman.
Calvin : And the Titans' number one high school recruit. But before you get any ideas, so he'll be pledging Omega...
Cappie : Don't say it. You know how I feel about the "C" word. Popsicle?
Andy : What flavor is this?
Beaver : Beer. Freshmen.
Cappie : You three have a fantastic time and remember, here at Kappa Tau, summer isn't officially over until the fat professor hands out the syllabus. Hit the water slide. Come on, guys.
Andy : They're exactly like you described them. You even called the water slide.
Calvin : Yeah, the KT's are nothing if not obvious.
Rusty : These are my brothers you're talking about.
Calvin : You're crazy if you think you can get any work done here. Sure that pledge paddle last spring didn't leave any lasting brain damage? I still can't believe that happened.
Rusty : I'm in a really good mood right now and I don't want to talk about Evan. Pretty much ever again.
Calvin : So how are you gonna get work done living here?
Rusty : Just wait till you see the oasis.
Calvin : This is nice, Rus.
Cappie : Let the belching contest begin!
Andy : It's almost freakishly quiet.
Rusty : Acoustic foam panels in the walls and the ceiling.
Calvin : Come on. I might even come here to study.
Rusty : See? I can have it all. Full time honors engineer... full time Kappa Tau brother! Full time honors engineer. Full time Kappa Tau brother! Engineer, brother, engineer...
ZBZ HOUSE - MEETING ROOM
Ashleigh : OK, first on the agenda should be rush, but as we all know, we have a little situation to deal with. Since some of our officers have... chosen a different path, we need to fill the following positions: Standards Chair.
Casey : I nominate Ivy. She has such a strong moral center.
Ashleigh : Done. But as for the all-important Rush Chair, Case...
Casey : Oh Laura !
Laura : Really?
Ashleigh : Rush Chair is really important this year, since we need twice the number of pledges to fill the house, thanks to Frannie. So I think we need someone with experience and someone I like.
Casey : Laura for sure. Yeah, she can be abrasive...
Laura : You realize I'm right here?
Casey :... but it's all in good fun and she is definitely experienced, not to mention crazy organized. Have you seen her closet? All the hangers are two finger spaces apart.
Laura : Two and a half. And I accept.
Ashleigh : What? I didn't even...
Laura : OK. So, Rush... Here's what I'm thinking. Let's cut down on decorations. We'll tell everybody...
IKI HOUSE - LIVING ROOM
IKI Girl 1 : Wow Frannie !! I can't believe you found a vacant house on Greek Row.
IKI Girl 2 : This place is just so much awesomer than the ZBZ house.
Frannie : It's a work in progress.
IKI Girl 1 : And look. A ghost!
Joan : Hello, gals.
Frannie : Sisters, meet Joan, our landlady. She lives all the way upstairs and keeps to herself... mostly. Although we've agreed as a condition of the lease that Joan can, very occasionally and after giving notice, mingle with us. Very occasionally.
Joan : I was a Tri Pi myself, you know. Back in the day. I will never forget the Sputnik mixer with Lambda Sig. I let Eddie Bailey put his hand right here...
Frannie : That's wonderful, Joan. Why don't you go upstairs and make yourself another round of gimlets? Don't worry about her, girls, OK. Not even that old tramp is gonna stop Iota Kappa Iota from being the very best house on campus. I guarantee it.
ET. CRU - APPARTMENT
Woman : As tenants of our model apartment, you would be required to keep the unit neat and presentable for tours. But you two look tidy.
Casey : It's only me. He's here for moral support. Moral support.
Woman : I don't know about living in a model apartment, though. This is all I have left. Off-campus housing close to CRU usually books by spring. In exchange you'll pay reduced rent.
Casey : Sounds like a good deal.
Woman : I'll give you a chance to look around.
Max : Thank you.
Casey : OK.
Max : You sure this is what you want?
Casey : If there's one thing I learned last summer, but I have to make my senior year count.
Max : You can't do that in a sority?
Casey : Last year, two girls nearly came to blows over whether Cameron Diaz looks better blonde or brunette. And yes, those two girls were Ashleigh and me.
Max : We had a similar situation in the dorm. Not Cameron Diaz, but a pretty heated scuffle over the elastic properties of Mr. Fantastic versus Plastic Man. Yes, it was between me and Rusty. Sorry, this is not about me. This is about you and your dilemma.
Casey : Which is about to be solved. Come on.
KT HOUSE - Rusty's room
Rusty : What are you guys doing? What are you guys doing?
Cappie : Basic rule on a construction site: never startle a man with a power tool.
Rusty : It's a construction site?
Beaver : We are constructing a loft.
Rusty : It's 3:00 in the morning.
Cappie : The boys and I just finished our nightly... morningly, 1:00 a.m. power naps.
Beaver : Morningly.
Cappie : Morningly. So we're using our time constructively to turn this room into a quad.
Rusty : Quad? Cappie, you cannot tur my oasis into a quad.
Cappie : Where the hell are Ben Bennett, Pickle and Arrowhead supposed to sleep,the shed? They're not animals, Spitter. Now where's my stud finder? Stud finder, please. You found me. I'm a stud. Seriously, I need a stud finder.
EXT. CRU
Rusty : Morning, Dale.
Dale : You're lucky I got here when I did. I had to fight off some surly civil engineer to get this spot. I told him to build a bridge and get over it.
Rusty : I can't believe engineers camp out to get their textbooks early.
Dale : Sophomore year's most competitive. You've got core requirements, organic chem. About a third of the class usually drops out. You look terrible, by the way. I mean really bad.
Rusty : My Kappa Tau oasis turned back into a very loud desert. But you know, I have to learn to adapt to their unique schedule if I want to have the full experience.
Dale : I guess. Why are you eating a corn dog?
Rusty : It's breakfast on a stick. It's sausage and cheese wrapped in a chocolate chip pancake with maple dipping sauce. Part of the KT meal plan.
Dale : You better get your act together before classes start. You can't count on me to carry you again. I might need to lean on you this year a little too.
Rusty : Is that right?
Dale : It is right. I'm not gonna get any help from my new roommate, Peter. He's ghostly pale, got this weird, implacable accent. He speaks English but he's not American, you know. He's unnervingly polite. He wrote me a thank you note yesterday for making my own bed. Who does that?
CRU - Dorms
Frannie : Room 314, Megan Song. Mainline Philly, voted Most Photogenic, enior year. egan ? Frannie Morgan and this is Rebecca Logan.
Rebecca : We're here to welcome you to CRU.
Megan : Thanks. Are you guys my RA's or something?
Frannie : You are so cute. We're with the brand new Iota Kappa Iota sorority, and we're here to invite you to our ultra-exclusive, top-secret, pre-rush lake party with the Omega Chis. The hottest guys on campus.
Megan : Cool! But wait. I thought we weren't allowed to talk to you except during rush. Can't you get in big trouble with Pan-Hellenic for dirty rushing?
Frannie : That would be if we were an ordinary sority.
Rebecca : Iota Kappa Iota isn't affiliated with Pan-Hellenic, so we don't have to abide by their rules.
Megan : But if you're not Pan-Hellenic, then how do you do all the fun stuff like Greek Week?
Frannie : Not to worry. The moment rush is over, we'll petion Pan-Hellenic for membership.
Rebecca : Besides, consider how unfair it is that sororities can't have co-ed parties and alcohol like fraternities can. It's so patronizing and sexist, right?
Frannie : We won't have that problem. We're local. No nationals to worry about. We can have all the fun of a fraternity but without the mess.
Megan : Sounds awesome.
Frannie : I know, right? See you at the lake.
Megan : Thanks.
Frannie : Great. The whole women's lib crap. I'm happy to see you've come to your senses.
Rebecca : Me, too. KT HOUSE - Dorms
Casey : Thought you were getting a single.
Rusty : Case, you're back.
Casey : Believe it or not, I'm really excited to see you.
Rusty : I missed you.
Casey : Aren't we cute. Mom sent a package... with homemade snickerdoodles.
Rusty : Why does she even try? So, tell me. How was Washington?
Casey : It was incredible. So much fun. Learned a lot.
Rusty : Are you aware that is how you used to describ going to church?
Casey : It was incredible. I guess it left me feeling like what I really need right now is to expand my horizons. Not go back to the same old sorority business.
Rusty : Wait a minute. You're seriously down on ZBZ right now?
Casey : I can't be the ultimate sorority girl forever. That's not real life. You'll know when you're a senior.
Rusty : Nothing will stop me from being a dedicated Kappa Tau brother. KT HOUSE - Downstairs
Casey : Hey Cap !
Cappie : Hey Case ! How was the internship?
Casey : It was incredible. So much fun. Learned a lot. See you around.
Cappie : What's with her? Sunburn? D.C. tourist overload? Stalked by the engineered ex?
Rusty : Ex? No, they're still going out. Max was gonna go to Caltech, but he lost his grant so he's gonna go to grad school here instead.
Cappie : Incredible. So much fun.
Ben Bennett : Pep log. Think fast. Wade got a whole case for ten bucks. Going out of business at the Meat Hut this summer.
Rusty : Does pepperoni expire?
Ben Bennett : We hope not. That's what we're banking on.
Cappie : KT brothers don't ask, they eat. Now chow down. It's almost 2:00. What's at 2:00? Afternoon nap.
Rusty : I didn't know you guys took so many naps.
Cappie : Haven't you ever noticed how... quiet the house is at certain times of the day?
Rusty : I figured you're all in class.
Cappie : What? No, but yes, we nap. Napping is essential for healthy brain development.
Rusty : Isn't that for more, like, babies?
Cappie : Exactly. Beaver hit his 14 month developmental milestones.
Beaver : I can drink from a straw.
Rusty : Doesn't all that napping make it hard to sleep through the night? How do you get up for classes?
Cappie : Morning classes? You are on fire today, Spitzafrenic. ZBZ HOUSE - Casey & Ashleigh's room
Ashleigh : I just heard the most horrible rumor in the history of rumors.
Casey : That sounds bad.
Ashleigh : The "Ickies" are having a pre-rush recruitment party at Canyon Lake this weekend with the Omega Chis.
Casey : She can't dirty rush like that. At least not so blatantly.
Ashleigh : Technically, it's not considered dirty rushing. Until they're in Pan-Hellenic she's allowed to do it.
Casey : That's so not fair.
Ashleigh : Good. I'm really gonna need your help. Now we can use your new D.C. style scheming.
Casey : Right. Let me think about it.
Ashleigh : How come you haven't unpacked yet?
Casey : Just busy. I guess.
Ashleigh : And why didn't you want to be Rush Chair? There's something you're not telling me, isn't there?
Casey : Ash, I'm moving out of the ZBZ house. I found an apartment and I... I signed the lease today.
Ashleigh : Why didn't you tell me?
Casey : I was afraid I'd change my mind.
Ashleigh : You should change your mind.
Casey : I love living with you. I can't imagine not being here. And maybe that's a problem. I just feel like... I want to try having some distance from the house for a little while. I got so wrapped up in it last year. I need to be somewhere without so many distractions so I can focus. If I want a career in politics, I need to get serious. I'm sorry, Ash. KT HOUSE - Garden
Cappie : What's this?
Rusty : A few modifications to the Kappa Tau lifestyle schedule. I know, change is scary, but this schedule will help all the brothers achieve the full Kappa Tau experience at an enhanced comfort level.
Cappie : Eliminate the 1:00 a. M. Nap? Vegetables? Good luck getting anyone to sign up.
Rusty : I'm just worried about my... Our health. And our course load.
Cappie : You're the only Kappa Tau who has a course load.
Rusty : Cappie, I want to live like a real Kappa Tau brother, but I wasn't expecting to live in a quad. And don't you find the diet of the smoked meats constipating?
Cappie : Really, I don't, but I learned a little bit more about you and I sympathize.
Rusty : Maybe we can...
Cappie : Listen, Spitter, I'm sorry, pal, but naps and meats, they gotta stay. But it just so happens there's one single left.
OC HOUSE - LIVING ROOM
Calvin : Evan, I don't think you met my friend, Andy.
Evan : No introduction necessary. I know who this guy is. Mr. 4.0, valedictorian, runs a four-three-40. I'm Evan Chambers. I'm the president. O'Toole, grab this guy a beer. You got it.
Andy : No water slide?
Calvin : No, man, that's the KT's.
Evan : You want to have a seat? What were you doing at the KT house?
Calvin : I was there to see Rusty, and before you start I told you, back off him.
Evan : And I told you I got a little carried away. I know it may sound like a rich kid sob story, but my family stuff kinda got to me last year.
Calvin : And now it doesn't?
Evan : I'm back. I'm ready to focus on rush. Everybody really wants this Andy guy. The Lambda Sigs won't rest until they get the number one football recruit{in their house}. Bring him here.
Calvin : Don't worry about it. He didn't play ball with the Lambda Sig. Trust me, he's far too ambitious for the Kappa Taus. It's as good as done.
Evan : All right.
Calvin : One more thing. If you mess with Rusty again I will have to kick your ass. Rich kid sob story or not.
Evan : Peace.
EXT. CRU
Cappie : Would you like to play? 'Cause you look.like you'd like to play
Casey : I'm fine. Thanks.
Cappie : You need to get that out of that... There you go.
Casey : Now I've lost my place.
Cappie : You don't need a place. Classes don't start for a week. That's seven days of sleeping, eating, drinking beer, watching the entire series of Full House on DVD.
Casey : That's all you did this summer?
Cappie : Of course not. I also watched Jon and Kate Plus 8. It's amazing how they make it all work.
Casey : You realize we're graduating this year?
Cappie : You speak for yourself.
Casey : Even you have to grow up eventually.
Cappie : Agreed, but there are several developmental stages between infancy and old age. There's no reason to turn yourself into a grandma before you have to. What are you worrying about? You finished the world's most incredible fun internship, right? It sucked, didn't it? I knew it as soon as I saw you.
Casey : It sucked. But now I know what real life demands. I need to buckle down and get serious. And that means I don't get to play this year.
Cappie : Let me get this straight. You make yourself miserable now, hoping to be better prepared for the misery to come later?
Casey : That's not what I meant.
Cappie : You know you're gonna end up dead someday.
Casey : Thanks, now I feel so much better.
Cappie : You should. You're going to die, no matter what. Hence the phrase, "Life is short, so make the most of it." Guess what? College is short too. And so is senior year. Soon we'll be graduating/dead, so... play hacky sack while the sun shines.
Casey : That's actually strangely profound.
Cappie : I know. Right?
Casey : Can I ask you a favor?
Cappie : A favor you say? I thought Max was on favor duty. I heard you guys got back together.
Casey : The only bright spot of my summer. But this favor is more you. It falls under the "play hacky sack while the sun shines" category.
Cappie : Excellent. Hit me.
KT HOUSE - Shed
Rusty : Beaver, this isn't the bathroom. That's not Beaver. Possum! You stay away! This is supposed to be a single. Go away!
Dale : You sleep in a shed?
Rusty : Crap. What time is it?
Dale : It's 11:00 a.m. You can thank me later. for waking you up. I've got bigger problems. Like this. My roommate is canadian. How am I supposed to sleep at night with some foreigner. Waving his alien flag in what's obviously an act of anti-american aggression?
Rusty : You put up the flag when...
Dale : Do this for me. Don't think about it, do it. Say this word. A-b-u-o-t."
Rusty : Aboot."
Dale : He got to you too.
Rusty : You just misspelled the word "About."
Dale : All right, I'm sorry. I thought I lost you there. Listen, until I can get this mountie-loving, moose-smelling hockey fan deported, can I bunk here with you for a little bit? I'd prefer to sleep on the left side with two pillows.
Rusty : I may not be bunking here much longer myself. There are possums living in the shed.
Dale : I thought I smelled the dung of a mid-sized marsupial.
Rusty : But if I don't live in the house, I may miss out on a huge chunk of the kappa tau experience. I won't even feel like a real brother.
Dale : Why? You moved off the honors engineering floor. You're still an honors engineer.
Rusty : If I keep sleeping until 11:00, I won't be for long. CRU - Lake
Frannie : Welcome, ladies. You should know you are part of an exclusive group of young women who embody what we're looking for in our brand new sisterhood. A sisterhood that will enjoy all manner of greek fun, some not even possible at a traditional sority.
Ashleigh : This was a brilliant idea, Case. And not just 'cause it gave me an excuse to wear my camo booty shorts. Maybe, you could live in that stupid apartment. And keep a room at the house...
Casey : Ash.
Ashleigh : I know, but I'll take your scheming brain whenever I can get it.
Casey : Red eagle, are you in position?
[SCENE_BREAK]
Cappie : Roger that, heaving bosom.
Casey : I never should have let him pick my code name.
Frannie : Mixers are a highlight of sority life. And if I'm not mistaken, you're about to see a preview of just the type of guys we will be mixing with. Ladies, may I present the creme de la crème of cyprus-rhodes men. Wait. These are not the guys I meant. There's been a mistake!
Beaver : Free beer!
Rebecca : What are you doing here, cap?
Cappie : What are you doing here?
Frannie : I'm so sorry!
Casey : Madame president, I believe our party awaits.
Frannie : Evan, you better be dead or in captivity.
Evan : Thanks for your concern. I'm sorry.
Frannie : I'm trying to be sensitive, but this is ridiculous.
Evan : We're lost. This party bus driver's a complete moron. I'm sorry.
Frannie : Not half as sorry as I... Beaver ! Put that freshie down right now!
EXT. ZBZ HOUSE
Girl : Hey, there.
Ashleigh : I'm Ashleigh, president of Zeta Beta Zeta.
Casey : And I'm Casey. Unfortunately, pan-hellenic rules preclude us from talking to you now, because we're a real sority, but we can't wait to meet you all during rush next week.
Girl : We'll definitely be there.
Laure : I'm so glad you're my sister.
Ashleigh : OK, they're gone. You can let go.
Frannie : You are playing with fire.
Casey : We know.
Rebecca : That's how we make s'mores. Let them eat their s'mores, frannie. We'll crush them during rush.
Casey : I misjudged you, rebecca. I never thought you'd be clueless enough to go with frannie.
Rebecca : You were clueless enough to think I gave a crap about ZBZ in the first place.
Frannie : Couldn't have said it better myself.
Casey : I can't believe I felt sorry for you because of your dad screwing over your family. Now you've done the same thing to us.
Ashleigh : Let's not make this personal.
Frannie : Come on, let's go.
Ashleigh : You know, just forget about them. The important thing is, the awesome twosome pulled it off.
Casey : The awesome twosome is pretty awesome.
Ashleigh : And you're breaking it up.
Casey : Ash, I want to tell you the real reason I'm moving out. Remember how I said my internship was so amazing? Like, I got to research a bill?
Ashleigh : It was amazing. I was so impressed.
Casey : It was a starbucks bill. My boss got overcharged for his latte.
Ashleigh : That still sounds math-y.
Casey : My internship was a complete failure. The other interns came armed with years of knowledge. I came armed with subtle highlights and the ability to make up a cheesy skit about almost anything. And worst of all, they called me Elle Woods. All the other interns thought I was some stupid sorority girl. And nothing I did proved them wrong.
Ashleigh : So, they underestimated you. But think about it. Elle woods was the only one in that courtroom who knew you can't wash out the ammonium thioglycolate in a perm for 24 hours. It helped her catch a murder.
Casey : I know.
Ashleigh : But maybe there's a way that we can find you your space to focus right there in the house? I'm tall but I can make myself really, really small.
Casey : And cute.
EXT. CRU
Calvin : My butt fell asleep.
Evan : Come on. Let's go find this party.
Andy : I'll catch up. I left my sweatshirt on the bus.
Cappie : Nice work, Jeremy.
Evan : They're hijacking our bus.
Rusty : Hurry up, guys, hurry up!
Calvin : Has anyone seen Andy?
CRU - BUS
Cappie : Proving once again that crime does pay. And having a brother with a class C commercial drivers license. Thank you, Jeremy.
Ben Bennett : The Omega chis can suck it!
Cappie : They can and they will, Ben Bennett.
Rusty : I just had an epiphany.
Beaver : Man, did it get on the seat?
Rusty : Kappa Tau house is just like camp tiny pine. Not because of all the flies. Because Kappa Tau is not a place. It's a feeling. It's a feeling that's taken root in my heart, even if I never eat another pepperoni log. I'll be a Kappa Tau no matter where I live. No matter where I spread my seed. Nap time. I'm moving out of Kappa Tau, cap.
Cappie : Congratulations, spitter. Where are you gonna spread your seed? You got another place lined up?
Rusty : I hadn't thought that through.
CRU - MAX'S ROOM
Rusty : It's good to be back in good old calhoun hall.
Max : It's good to have you back.
Rusty : You really don't mind being here instead of caltech?
Max : Nope.
Rusty : I don't get it. You had the grant and then caltech changed their minds?
Max : Caltech didn't change their mind. I did.
Rusty : You changed their mind?
Max : I changed my mind. About going. I turned down the grant so I could stay at cru with Casey. She doesn't know. You can't tell her. I don't want her to feel some... kind of obligation.
Rusty : You're really not gonna tell her?
Casey : A slumber party involving my brother, my boyfriend and...
Dale : Casey ! Hey !
Casey : How disturbing.
Max : Rusty and Dale are having some... roommate trouble.
Casey : I met a guy down the hall who was looking for a new roommate. Canadian guy. He was so nice.
Dale : This canuck is relentless. Did you tell him I was in here?
Casey : No.
Dale : You're a good girl.
Max : Let's go to the new apartment. I don't know when I'm gonna be able to get these guys out.
Casey : About the new place, I've been reconsidering it.
Max : What?
CRU - APPARTEMENT
Owner : Welcome to titan tower apartments.
Casey : Thanks.
Owner : I'll admit I was taken aback when you added two gentlemen roommates. But these two look responsible, not to mention charming. I should go. You know where to find me if you need... anything. Anything at all.
Dale : Cougars love me. Not that I have a problem with older women.
Casey : Listen guys, my name is on this lease. Sheila thinks I live here and even though I don't, I'm responsible. Think of me as your second landlord.
Dale : I'm totally cool with that. I have no problem being your submissive. Being... being submissive. To you.
Rusty : I'm happy to have somewhere to live.
Dale : I told you we'd be roomies again.
OC HOUSE - Living room
Calvin : I'm not worried. He'll show. Let's go.
Andy : Sorry I'm late. I just woke up from a nap.
Evan : No worries, man. We thought maybe those Kappa Taus were holding you hostage.
Andy : They were cool. And your boy Rusty made a pretty inspiring speech on the bus. I kinda cried.
Evan : Excuse me one second.
Evan : I never found you at the lake. You finally came by to make sure I was alive?
Frannie : I knew you were alive.
Evan : I was thinking I could make it up to you. Take you out for a nice dinner.
Frannie : You really want to make it up to me?
Evan : Of course.
Frannie : I hate to ask this, but... I need a rent check. For the house?
Evan : Of course.
CRU - BATHROOMS
Casey : Show me the filthy remark about Frannie and then let's get out of here. I hate north campus.
Ashleigh : Which stall is it again? Rebecca, You could have chosen the handicapped stall!
Rebecca : Keep it down. This is a secret meeting.
Casey : Why is this traitors' turnskirt here?
Ashleigh : Rebecca's not a traitors'turnskirt. Not for the reasons that you think. She didn't deactivate ZBZ.
Rebecca : I'm a mole at Frannie's house.
Ashleigh : Rush spy! She's gonna help us, Case. She's the one who told us about Frannie's top secret lake party. Rebecca and I talked over the summer and I wanted to tell you, but you know what a gossip I am. I can't keep shameful secrets about myself. I even told you about my crush on dean bowman. And now I've just told Rebecca. See? Seeing you guys go all Hasselbeck and O'Donnell on each other at the lake, I realized I had to come clean or things would split screen. We are all still sisters.
Casey : You expect me to trust her?
Rebecca : I'm trusting you and you kissed my boyfriend.
Casey : You broke up with him and you slept with my boyfriend last rush week.
Rebecca : At least I didn't know he was your boyfriend.
Ashleigh : Ladies, please. Can we at least, for my sake, try and be "frenemies?"
ZBZ HOUSE - CASEY & ASHLEIGH'S ROOM
Ashleigh : And with this pink tank top, I hereby declare you, Casey Cartwright, officially moved back into ZBZ. Now complete with... focus space! See, you can live in the house and still be serious.
Casey : Thanks, Ash. No more keeping secrets. And no more crazy surprises, like Rebecca in a bathroom. I still think you can't trust her.
Ashleigh : If you're worried about Rebecca maybe you need a bigger role. Like becoming my new rush chair?
Casey : You made laura rush chair.
Ashleigh : I can dismiss her on grounds of incompetence. Did you see her at the lake? If that is the best she can do faking sisterly love, she'll never make it through rush week.
Casey : Rush chair, that's a big one.
Ashleigh : I know.
Casey : It sounds so... fun. No need to turn myself into grandma before I absolutely have to. So... Before all the warm fuzzies go away, the warm fuzzies go away, I have one last thing to confess.
Ashleigh : What?
Casey : In exchange for ruing Frannie's party I promised our first three mixers to the Kappa Taus. Don't fire me!
Ashleigh : You're lucky you're my best friend.
Casey : I am. | Plan: A: Casey; Q: Whose lease does Rusty and Dale take over when she decides to recommit to ZBZ? A: the test; Q: What is Casey's resolve to focus on her education put to? A: Ashleigh; Q: Who needs Casey's help to battle rival sorority, Iota Kappa Iota? A: Frannie's new house; Q: What is the rival sorority's new house? A: Calvin; Q: Who invites Andy to rush? A: ( Jesse McCartney; Q: Who is Andy? A: interest; Q: What does Andy show in Omega Chi and Kappa Tau? A: Omega Chi; Q: What sorority does Calvin invite his high school friend, Andy, to rush? Summary: Casey's resolve to focus on her education is put to the test when Ashleigh needs her help to battle rival sorority, Iota Kappa Iota , Frannie's new house. Calvin invites his high school friend, Andy ( Jesse McCartney ) to rush, who shows interest in both Omega Chi and Kappa Tau. Rusty and Dale take over Casey's lease when she decides to recommit to ZBZ. |
The peace and quiet of the garden of a manor house is disturbed by the sound of the TARDIS materializing. The Doctor steps out, followed by Donna. There's a loud buzz as they walk towards the house.
DOCTOR: Smell that air. Grass and lemonade... and a little bit of mint. A hint of mint, must be the 1920s.
DONNA: You can tell what year it is just by smelling?
DOCTOR: Oh yeah!
DONNA: Or maybe that big vintage car coming up the drive gave it away.
A vintage car pulls up at the entrance to the manor. The butler, Greeves and a young footman, Davenport come out of the house.
GREEVES: The Professor's baggage, Richard, step lively!
Davenport goes for the baggage, while Professor Peach steps out of the car and walks to the entrance.
GREEVES: Good afternoon, Professor Peach.
PROFESSOR PEACH: Hello, Greeves old man.
A vicar rides up the drive on his bike.
PROFESSOR PEACH: Ah, Reverend.
REVEREND: Professor Peach! Beautiful day. (he gets off the bike). The lord's in his heaven, all's right with the world.
GREEVES: Revered Golightly. Lady Eddison requests you make yourselves comfortable in your rooms. Cocktails will be served on the lawn from half past four.
PROFESSOR PEACH: You go on up, I have to check something in the library.
REVEREND: Oh?
PROFESSOR PEACH: Alone.
REVEREND: This is supposed to be a party! All this work will be the death of you.
During this, the Doctor and Donna have been hiding in a bush, listening in on the conversation.
DONNA: Never mind Planet Zog, a party in the 1920s, that's more like it!
DOCTOR: Problem is, we haven't been invited. (he gets the psychic paper out, grinning) Oh I forgot, yes we have!
[SCENE_BREAK]
In the library, Professor Peach is examining a piece of paper closely with his spectacles on.
PROFESSOR PEACH: I was right! Kept secret all these years, it's unbelievable. But why didn't they ask... Heavens! (He notices someone coming up to him, but then he relaxes) .Oh, it's you. I was just doing a little research. I say, what are you doing with that lead piping?
Buzzing, a giant wasp closes in on Professor Peach.
PROFESSOR PEACH: But that's impossible!
OPENING CREDITS
The Doctor taps on the TARDIS doors impatiently.
DOCTOR: We'll be late for cocktails!
Donna steps out of the TARDIS wearing a 1920s style brown dress.
DONNA: What d'you think? Flapper or slapper?
The Doctor looks her up and down enquiringly, but then smiles as he speaks, linking arms with her.
DOCTOR: Flapper. You look lovely!
In the garden of the manor, a footman adjusts the music player. Classical music plays as Miss Chandrakala claps impatiently at the staff, noticing the Doctor and Donna heading for them.
MISS CHANDRAKALA: Look sharp, we have guests!
DOCTOR (waving): Good afternoon!
Davenport walks over to serve them.
DAVENPORT: Drinks sir? Ma'am?
DONNA: Sidecar, please.
DOCTOR: And a lime and soda, thank you.
Davenport walks away while Greeves introduces Lady Eddison.
GREEVES: May I announce, Lady Clemency Eddison.
Lady Eddison walks over to greet the Doctor and Donna. The Doctor holds his hand out for a shake.
DOCTOR: Lady Eddison.
LADY EDDISON: Forgive me, but who exactly might you be... and what are you doing here?
DOCTOR: I'm the Doctor. And this is Miss Donna Noble... of the Chiswick Nobles.
DONNA (putting on a posh accent): Good afternoon, my lady. Topping day, what? Spiffing! Top hole!
DOCTOR (to Donna): No, no, no, no, no. Don't do that, don't.
He gets out the psychic paper and presents it to Lady Eddison.
DOCTOR: We were thrilled to receive your invitation, my lady. We met at the Ambassador's reception.
LADY EDDISON: Doctor, how could I forget you? But one must be sure with the Unicorn on the loose.
DOCTOR: A unicorn? Brilliant! Where?
LADY EDDISON: The Unicorn. The jewel thief. And nobody knows who he is. He's just struck again, snatched Lady Babbington's pearls right from under her nose.
DONNA (to the Doctor): Funny place to wear pearls.
Greeves introduces two newcomers, and elderly man in wheelchair and a young man pushing him.
GREEVES: May I announce, the Colonel Hugh Curbishley, the Honourable Roger Curbishley.
LADY EDDISON: My husband. And my son.
COLONEL: Forgive me for not rising. Never been the same ever since that flu epidemic back in '18.
ROGER (to Donna): My word, you are a super lady.
DONNA: Oh, I like the cut of your jib. Chin chin.
DOCTOR (shaking hands with Roger): Hello, I'm the Doctor.
ROGER: How do you do?
DOCTOR: Very well.
Davenport offers Roger a drink.
DAVENPORT: Your usual, sir?
ROGER: Ah, thank you Davenport. Just how I like it.
DONNA (to the Doctor): How come she's an Eddison but her husband and son are Curbishleys?
DOCTOR: The Eddison title descends through her. One day Roger will be a lord.
The butler introduces another woman walking into the garden.
GREEVES: Robina Redmond!
LADY EDDISON: She's the absolute hit of the social scene, a must. (she greets Robina as they shake hands). Miss Redmond!
ROBINA: Spiffing to meet you at last, my lady. What super fun!
The Reverend walks into the group Greeves introduces him.
GREEVES: Reverend Arnold Golightly.
LADY EDDISON (shaking hands): Ah, Reverend. How are you? I heard about the church last Thursday night. Those ruffians breaking in.
They have walked together over to where Colonel is sitting on his wheelchair.
COLONEL: You apprehended them, I hear.
REVEREND: As the Christian Fathers taught me, we must forgive them their trespasses. Quite literally.
ROGER: Some of these young boys deserve a descent thrashing.
DAVENPORT (with a meaningful look): Couldn't agree more, sir.
DONNA (to the Doctor): Typical. All the decent men are on the other bus.
DOCTOR: Or Time Lords.
ROGER (to Lady Eddison): Now, my lady, what about this special guest you promised us?
LADY EDDISON (pointing to Agatha Christie, who is entering the group): Here she is, a lady who needs no introduction!
Everyone starts clapping.
AGATHA: No, no, please. Don't. Thank you, Lady Eddison. Honestly, there's no need.
She holds out her hand to the Doctor.
AGATHA: Agatha Christie.
DONNA: What about her?
AGATHA: That's me.
DONNA: Nooo. (Agatha laughs) You're kidding.
DOCTOR (shaking her hand) : Agatha Christie! I was just talking about you the other day. I said, "I bet she's brilliant". I'm the Doctor and this is Donna. Ohhh, I love your stuff. What a mind! You fool me every time. Well, almost every time. Well, once or twice. Well, once. But it was a good once!
AGATHA: You make a rather unusual couple.
DOCTOR: Oh, no, no, no, no, we're not married.
DONNA: We're not a couple.
AGATHA: Well obviously not. No wedding ring.
Donna looks at her fingers.
DOCTOR: Oh, oh, you don't miss a trick.
AGATHA: I'd stay that way if I were you. The thrill is in the chase, never in the capture.
Lady Eddison comes over.
LADY EDDISON: Mrs Christie, I'm so glad you could come. I'm one of your greatest followers. I've read all six of your books. Is, ah, Mr Christie not joining us?
AGATHA: Is he needed? Can't a woman make her own way in the world?
COLONEL (laughing) : Don't give my wife ideas.
ROGER: Now Mrs Christie, I have a question. Why a Belgian detective?
The Doctor goes and snatches the Colonel's newspaper.
DOCTOR: 'Scuse me.
AGATHA: Belgians make such lovely buns.
Everyone laughs.
ROGER: I say, where on earth is Professor Peach? He'd love to meet Mrs Christie.
REVEREND: Said he was going to the library.
The Doctor beckons to Donna and she walks over.
LADY EDDISON: Miss Chandrakala, would you go and collect the professor?
MISS CHANDRAKALA: At once, milady.
DOCTOR: The date on this newspaper.
DONNA: What about it?
DOCTOR: It's the day Agatha Christie disappeared.
Miss Chandrakala knocks on the library door.
MISS CHANDRAKALA: Professor Peach!
She opens the door.
MISS CHANDRAKALA: Professor?
Her mouth opens in horror.
DOCTOR: She'd just discovered her husband was having an affair.
DONNA: You'd never think to look at her. Smiling away.
DOCTOR: Well, she's British and moneyed. That's what they do. They carry on. Except for this one time. No one knows exactly what happened, she just vanished.
Newspapers spin to show headlines like "Mystery Writer Disappears". Then we see flashes of what the Doctor is talking about: a vintage car by a lake...
DOCTOR (VO): Her car will be found tomorrow morning by the side of a lake. Ten days later, Agatha Christie turns up in a hotel in Harrogate.
...and Agatha standing in front of "The Harrogate Hotel", looking confused.
DOCTOR: Said she'd lost her memory. She never spoke about the disappearance till the day she died, but whatever it was...
DONNA: It's about to happen.
DOCTOR: Right here, right now.
Miss Chandrakala comes out of the house running.
MISS CHANDRAKALA: Professor! The library! Murder! Murder!
The Doctor, Donna and Agatha enter the library. The Doctor runs to the body, he bends down and takes his glasses out. Greeves arrives next.
GREEVES : Oh my goodness.
DOCTOR: Bashed on the head. Blunt instrument. Watch broke as he fell, (he checks the watch on Professor Peach's hand) time of death was quarter past four.
He gets up and starts searching the papers on the desk.
DONNA: Bit of pipe. (she lifts up a pipe lying next to the body). Call me Hercule Poirot, but I reckon that's blunt enough.
Agatha Christie picks something out of the grate.
DOCTOR: Nothing worth killing for in that lot, dry as dust.
DONNA: Hold on. The body in the library? I mean, Professor Peach, in the library, with the lead piping?
The voices of the other members of the party drift in to the room. They gather in to the room, look down in horror and disgust, and all talk simultaneously.
LADY EDDISON: Let me see.
COLONEL: Out of my way!
LADY EDDISON: Gerald!
REVEREND: Saints preserve us!
ROBINA: Oh, how awful...
AGATHA: Someone should call the police.
DOCTOR: You don't have to. (he flashes the psychic paper around). Chief Inspector Smith from Scotland Yard. Known as the Doctor. Miss Noble is the plucky young girl who helps me out.
LADY EDDISON: I say.
DOCTOR: Mrs Christie was right. Go into the sitting room. I will question each of you in turn.
AGATHA: Come along, do as the Doctor says. Leave the room undisturbed.
Everyone but the Doctor and Donna leave.
DONNA: "The plucky young girl who helps me out"?
The Doctor gets down on the ground.
DOCTOR: No policewomen in 1926.
DONNA: I'll pluck you in a minute. Why don't we phone the real police?
DOCTOR: Well the last thing we want is PC Plod sticking his nose in.
He scrapes some slime off the floor with a stick.
DOCTOR: Especially now I've found this! Morphic residue.
DONNA: Morphic? Doesn't sound very 1926.
DOCTOR: It's left behind when certain species genetically re-encode.
DONNA: The murderer is an alien.
DOCTOR: Which means, one of that lot is an alien in human form.
DONNA: Yeah, but think about it. There's a murder, a mystery, and Agatha Christie.
DOCTOR: So? Happens to me all the time.
He smells the slime then puts in under Donna's nose.
DONNA: No, but isn't that a bit weird? Agatha Christie didn't walk around surrounded by murders. Not really. I mean that's like meeting Charles Dickens, and he's surrounded by ghosts. At Christmas.
DOCTOR: Well...
DONNA: Oh, come on! It's not like we could drive across country and find Enid Blyton having tea with Noddy. Could we? Noddy's not real. Is he? Tell me there's no Noddy!
DOCTOR: There's no Noddy.
DONNA: Next thing you know, you'll be telling me it's like Murder On The Orient Express, and they all did it!
While she speaks they exit the library and meet Agatha at the bottom of the staircase.
AGATHA: Murder on the Orient Express?
DONNA: Oh, yeah. One of your best!
DOCTOR: But not yet.
AGATHA: Marvellous idea though.
DONNA: Yeah. Tell you what, copyright Donna Noble, okay?
DOCTOR: Anyway! Agatha and I will question the suspects, Donna, you search the bedrooms. Look for clues. (whispering) Any more residue. (He gives her a magnifying glass). You'll need this.
DONNA: Is that for rea l?
DOCTOR: Go on. You're ever so plucky.
Not too pleased, Donna heads upstairs, while the Doctor beams at Agatha.
DOCTOR: Right then! Solving a murder mystery with Agatha Christie, brilliant!
AGATHA: How like a man to have fun, while there's disaster all around him.
DOCTOR: Sorry, yeah.
AGATHA: I'll work with you, gladly. But for the sake of justice. Not your own amusement.
DOCTOR: Yeah.
DOCTOR: Now then, Reverend. Where were you at a quarter past four?
REVEREND: Let me think. Oh yes, I remember.
Flashback scene begins: we see him hanging clothes in the wardrobe.
REVEREND (VO): I was unpacking in my room.
DOCTOR (VO): No alibi then.
AGATHA (VO): You were alone?
The flashback ends.
REVEREND: With the Lord, one is never truly alone. Doctor?
DOCTOR: And where were you?
ROGER: Let me think... I was, um... Oh, yes, I was taking a constitutional, in the fields behind the house.
Flashback begins.
ROGER (VO): Just taking a stroll, that's all.
DOCTOR (VO): Alone?
ROGER (VO): Oh, yes, all alone. Totally alone! Absolutely alone. Completely, all of the time.
In the flashback, we see him meeting Davenport and the pair of them walking off hand in hand.
ROGER (VO): I wandered lonely as the proverbial cloud, there was no-one else with me, not at all.
Flashback ends.
ROGER: Not ever!
DOCTOR: And where were you?
ROBINA: At a quarter past four? Well, I went to the toilet when I arrived, and then, um...
Flashback starts.
ROBINA (VO): Oh, yes, I remember.
She is indeed in the bathroom, but we see her pulling out a small revolver from her handbag.
ROBINA (VO): I was preparing myself, positively buzzing with excitement about the party... and the super fun of meeting Lady Eddy.
Flashback ends.
DOCTOR: We've only got your word for it.
ROBINA: That's your problem, not mine.
DOCTOR: And where were you, sir?
COLONEL: Quarter past four? Dear me, let me think... Ah, yes, I remember.
Flashback starts.
COLONEL (VO): I was in my study, reading through some military memoirs. Fascinating stuff.
We see that he was actually watching some erotic pictures.
COLONEL (VO): Took me back to my days in the army. Started reminiscing...
Flashback within the flashback: the Colonel remembers a revue with cancan dancers.
COLONEL (VO): Mafeking, you know... Terrible war.
DOCTOR (VO): Colonel, snap out of it!
The Colonel gets out of the revue flashback, but is still in the first one of watching pictures in his study.
COLONEL (VO): I was in my study...
DOCTOR: No, no, no. Right out of it!
The flashback ends.
COLONEL: Oh, sorry. Got a bit carried away there.
DOCTOR: And where were you at a quarter past four, my lady?
LADY EDDISON: Now let me see...
Flashback begins.
LADY EDDISON (VO): Yes, I remember. I was sitting in the Blue Room, taking my afternoon tea.
We see her drinking spirits from a bottle.
LADY EDDISON (VO): It's a ritual of mine, I needed to gather strength for the duty of hostess. I then proceeded to the lawn where I met you, Doctor. And I said, "And who exactly might you be and what are you doing here?" And you said, "I am the Doctor and this is Miss Donna Noble".
DOCTOR (VO): Yes, yes, you can stop now.
Flashback ends.
DOCTOR: I was there for that bit.
LADY EDDISON: Of course. (she burps) Excuse me.
All suspects questioned, the Doctor and Agatha are walking up and down the room, trying to solve the mystery.
AGATHA: No alibis for any of them. The secret adversary remains hidden. We must look for a motive, use "the little grey cells".
DOCTOR: Oh, yes, little grey cells, good old Poirot.
He sits down to the chair the suspects were using.
DOCTOR: Do you know, I've been to Belgium, yeah.
Flashback begins.
DOCTOR (VO): I remember...
We see him in a forest, cutting way with a machete, armed with bow and arrows.
DOCTOR (VO): I was deep in the Ardennes, trying to find Charlemagne. He'd been kidnapped by an insane computer.
AGATHA (VO): Doctor!
Flashback ends.
DOCTOR: Sorry.
AGATHA: Charlemagne lived centuries ago!
DOCTOR: I've got a very good memory.
AGATHA: For such an experienced detective, you missed a big clue.
DOCTOR: What, that bit of paper you nicked out the fire?
AGATHA: You were looking the other way!
DOCTOR: Yeah, but I saw you reflected in the glass of the bookcase.
AGATHA: You crafty man.
They smile at each other.
AGATHA: This is all that was left.
The Doctor rushes to her and they try to decipher the writing
DOCTOR: What's that first letter? N or M?
AGATHA: It's an M. The word is maiden.
DOCTOR: Maiden! What does that mean?
AGATHA: We're still no further forward. Our nemesis remains at large. Unless Miss Noble's found something.
Upstairs, Donna tries to open a door but it is locked. Greeves appears suddenly and she lets out a surprised little scream.
GREEVES: You won't find anything in there.
DONNA: How come it's locked?
GREEVES: Lady Eddison commands it to be so.
DONNA: And I command it to be otherwise. Scotland Yard, pip-pip.
Reluctant, he moves forward to unlock the door.
DONNA: Why's it locked in the first place?
GREEVES: Many years ago, when my father was butler to the family, Lady Eddison returned from India with malaria. She locked herself in this room for six months until she recovered. Since then, the room has remained undisturbed.
He opens the door and Donna steps in.
GREEVES: There's nothing in here.
DONNA: How long's it been empty?
GREEVES: Forty years.
DONNA: Why would she seal it off? All right, I need to investigate, you just... butle off.
She closes the door behind herself and starts to look around. She finds a big teddy bear on the bed, then hears a buzz.
DONNA: 1926, they've still got bees. Oh, what a noise! All right, busy bee, I'll let you out. Hold on, I shall find you with my amazing powers of detection.
Lifting up the magnifying glass, she walks to the window. She pulls aside the heavy curtains hiding the view, and sees a giant wasp. She screams as the wasp breaks through the glass.
DONNA: That's impossible! (Threatened by the wasp, she backs to the window). Doctor!
The wasp is about to attack, but she holds out the magnifying glass and focuses the sunlight on it's body, stopping it for a moment.
DONNA: DOCTOR!
She runs out of the room and shuts the door. The wasp stings through the wood and she screams. The Doctor and Agatha arrive running.
DONNA: It's a giant wasp!
DOCTOR: What d'you mean, a giant wasp?
DONNA: I mean, a wasp that's giant!
AGATHA: It's only a silly little insect.
DONNA: When I say giant, I don't mean big, I mean flippin' enormous! Look at its sting!
They look down at the huge sting, stuck into the door.
DOCTOR: Let me see.
He gets into the room but it's empty.
DOCTOR: It's gone. Buzzed off.
Agatha bows to examine the sting.
AGATHA: But that's fascinating...
DOCTOR: D-D-D-Don't touch it! Don't touch it! Let me... (He collects some slime from the sting into a test tub). Giant wasp... Well, tons of amorphous insectivorous lifeforms, but none in this galactic vector.
AGATHA: I think I understood some of those words. Enough to know that you're completely potty.
DONNA: Lost its sting though, that makes it defenceless.
DOCTOR: Oh, creature this size, got to be able to grow a new one.
AGATHA: Can we return to sanity? There are no such things as giant wasps!
DOCTOR: Exactly. So, question is, what's it doing here?
The household staff discuss the events in the kitchen.
MRS HART : A murder? That's put the cat among the pigeons and no mistake!
MISS CHANDRAKALA: It is not the stuff of gossip Mrs Hart, continue with your work.
DAVENPORT : But who'd want to do in the old professor? He was always asking questions about that book of his, what's all that about?
MISS CHANDRAKALA: A dead man's folly, nothing more. Though perhaps if he asked about... I must go and see milady.
She walks outside, a gargoyle falls off the roof and she screams as it heads towards her. The Doctor, Donna and Agatha hear the thud and run outside. They kneel beside Miss Chandrakala.
MISS CHANDRAKALA: The... poor... little... child...
She dies. There is a buzz, the Doctor looks up and sees the giant wasp.
DOCTOR: There!
The wasp flies off and they run into the house.
DOCTOR: Come on!
DONNA: Hey, this makes a change, there's a monster, and we're chasing it.
AGATHA: Can't be a monster, it's a trick, they do it with mirrors!
The Doctor, Donna and Agatha run up the stairs and find the wasp.
AGATHA: By all that's holy!
DOCTOR: Oh, but you are wonderful!
The wasp flies at them.
DOCTOR: Now, just stop, stop there!
DONNA: Oi, fly boy!
She points the magnifying glass at the wasp and it flies off.
DOCTOR: Don't let it get away! Quick! Before it reverts back to human form.
They run down the stairs and stop at the end of an empty corridor.
DOCTOR: Where are you? Come on! There's nowhere to run. Show yourself!
The doors along the corridor open and all the guests and family emerge from their rooms.
DOCTOR: Oh, that's just cheating.
Everyone gathers in the drawing room.
LADY EDDISON (in tears): My faithful companion, this is terrible!
DAVENPORT: Excuse me, my lady, but she was on her way to tell you something.
LADY EDDISON: She never found me. She had an appointment with death instead.
DOCTOR: She said "The poor little child". Does that mean anything to anyone?
COLONEL: No children in this house for years, (looking at his son and Davenport) highly unlikely there will be.
LADY EDDISON: Mrs Christie, you must have twigged something, you've written simply the best detective stories.
REVEREND: Tell us, what would Poirot do?
COLONEL: Heavens sake! Cards on the table, woman, you should be helping us.
AGATHA: But, I'm merely a writer.
ROBINA : But surely you can crack it, these events, they're exactly like one of your plots.
DONNA: That's what I've been saying! Agatha, that's gotta mean something.
AGATHA: But, what? I've no answers. None. I'm sorry, all of you, I'm truly sorry, but I've failed. If anyone can help us then it's the Doctor, not me.
Donna sits outside with Agatha.
DONNA: D'you know what I think? Those books of yours, one day they could turn them into films, they could be talking pictures.
AGATHA: Talking pictures? Pictures that... talk? What do you mean?
DONNA: Oh, blimey, I've done it again.
AGATHA: I appreciate you trying to be kind, but you're right, these murders are like my own creations. It's as though someone's mocking me, and I've had enough scorn for one lifetime.
DONNA: Yeah... Thing is, I had this bloke once, I was engaged, and I loved him, I really did. Turns out he was lying through his teeth. But d'you know what? I moved on. I was lucky, I found the Doctor, it's changed my life. There's always someone else.
AGATHA: I see. Is my marriage the stuff of gossip now?
DONNA: No! I just... sorry.
AGATHA: No matter. The stories are true. I found my husband with another woman. A younger, prettier woman, isn't it always the way?
DONNA: Well, mine was with a giant spider, but, same difference.
AGATHA: You and the Doctor talk such wonderful nonsense.
DONNA: Agatha, people love your books, they really do, they're gonna be reading them for years to come.
AGATHA: If only! Try as I might it's hardly great literature, now that's beyond me. I'm afraid my books will be forgotten, like ephemera. (She spots something). Hello, what's that? Those flowerbeds were perfectly neat earlier, now some of the stalks are bent over.
She takes a small box out of the flowerbed.
DONNA: There you go, who'd ever notice that? You're brilliant!
[SCENE_BREAK]
Ins the room they were questioning the suspects, the Doctor opens the box. It's full of strange tools.
DOCTOR: Oh! Someone came here tooled up. The sort of stuff a thief would use.
AGATHA: The Unicorn? He's here!
DOCTOR: The Unicorn and the wasp...
Greeves enters the room.
GREEVES: Your drinks, ladies. Doctor.
DOCTOR: Very good, Greeves.
They take the drinks and the butler leaves.
DONNA: How about the science stuff, what did you find?
The Doctor pulls out the test tube.
DOCTOR: Vespiform sting. Vespiforms have got hives in the Silfrax galaxy.
AGATHA: Again, you talk like Edward Lear.
DOCTOR: But for some reason, this one's behaving like a character in one of your books.
He sips at his drink.
DONNA: Come on, Agatha, what would Miss Marple do? She'd have overheard something vital by now, because the murderer thinks she's just a harmless old lady.
AGATHA: Clever idea. Miss Marple? Who writes those?
DONNA: Um, copyright Donna Noble, add it to the list.
DOCTOR: Donna...
DONNA: Okay, we could split the copyright.
DOCTOR: No. Something's inhibiting my enzymes. ARGH! (In agony). I've been poisoned!
DONNA: What do we do? What do we do?!
She crouches beside the Doctor, trying to find a way to help, while Agatha smells his drink.
AGATHA: Bitter almonds! It's cyanide! Sparkling cyanide!
The Doctor runs out of the room, stumbling. Donna and Agatha follow him.
They burst into the kitchen. The Doctor staggers to Davenport and grabs him.
DOCTOR: Ginger beer!
DAVENPORT (offended): I beg your pardon?
DOCTOR: I need ginger beer!
He struggles to a the kitchen shelf, sweeping off stuff while he searches for ginger beer.
MRS HART: The gentleman's gone mad!
The Doctor founds the bottle and drinks of it, then pours the rest on his head.
AGATHA: I'm an expert in poisons, Doctor. There's no cure! It's fatal!
He spits out the rest of the drink.
DOCTOR: Not for me! I can stimulate the inhibited enzymes into reversal... Protein! I need protein!
He leans on the worktop, panting in agony, while Donna and Agatha search the kitchen supplies.
DONNA: Walnuts?
DOCTOR: Brilliant!
She hands him a jar of walnuts and he gobbles it down. Mouth full, he can only gesture to Donna, shaking his hand up and down.
DONNA: I can't understand you! How many words?
He shows up one finger.
DONNA: One! One word!
He keeps shaking his hand while Donna is guessing what he means.
DONNA: Shake, milk shake, milk? Milk? No, not milk? Hm, shake, shake, shake... Cocktail shaker! What do you want, a Harvey Wallbanger?
He finally manages to swallow the walnuts.
DOCTOR: Harvey Wallbanger?!
DONNA: Well, I don't know!
DOCTOR: How is Harvey Wallbanger one word?!
AGATHA: What do you need, Doctor?!
DOCTOR: Salt, I was miming salt! Salt! I need something salty!
DONNA: What about this?
She shows him a brown bag.
DOCTOR: What is it?
DONNA: Salt!
DOCTOR: That's too salty!
DONNA: Oh, that's too salty!
Agatha hands him a jar.
AGATHA: What about this?!
He opens the jar and gobbles the contents.
DONNA: What's that?
AGATHA: Anchovies!
The Doctor gestures again.
DONNA: What is it? What else? It's a song? Mammy? Um, I don't know, Camptown Races?
DOCTOR: Camptown Races?
DONNA: All right then, Towering Inferno!
DOCTOR: It's a shock! Look! Shock! I need a shock!
DONNA: Right then. Big shock, coming up!
She grabs him and kisses him. She lets him go, and the Doctor breathes out a cloud of grey smoke. Donna, Agatha and the kitchen staff stare at him, shocked.
DOCTOR: Detox! (he wipes his mouth). I must do that more often!
Donna gives him a nasty look.
DOCTOR: I mean, the, the detox.
AGATHA (in disbelief): Doctor, you are impossible! Who are you?
There is a clap of thunder and lightning. In the manor, the group is having dinner together in the dining room.
DOCTOR: A terrible day for all of us. (pause) The Professor struck down, Miss Chandrakala taken cruelly from us... and yet we still take dinner.
LADY EDDISON: We are British, Doctor. What else must we do?
DOCTOR: Then someone tried to poison me. Any one of you had the chance to put cyanide in my drink. But it rather gave me an idea.
REVEREND: And what would that be?
DOCTOR: Well... poison. Drink up! (he gets suspicious looks from everyone). I've laced the soup with pepper.
COLONEL: Ah, I thought it was jolly spicy.
DOCTOR: But the active ingredient of pepper is piperine. Traditionally used as an insecticide. (they all stare at each other, confused) So, anyone got the shivers?
There is a strike of lightning and the window is blown violently open, the candles blow out and the room goes all dark.
COLONEL: What the deuce is that!?
DOCTOR: Listen... listen, listen, listen!
Silence. They all listen and hear a waspy buzz.
LADY EDDISON (looking around): No, it can't be...
There's another strike of lightning.
AGATHA (rising): Show yourself, demon!
DOCTOR (as they all begin to move): Nobody move! No, don't, stay where you are!
The Vespiform shows itself.
DOCTOR: Out, out, out, out!
They spread out. The Doctor, pushing Agatha in front of him, ends up in a small room together with Donna and Greeves.
DOCTOR: Not you, Agatha. You've got a long, long life to live yet.
He takes a sword from a wall decoration.
DONNA: Well, we know the butler didn't do it!
DOCTOR (running back): Then who did?
They find that most of the people didn't leave the dining room: Robina is sitting in astonishment, gasping, the Colonel is topsy-turvy on his wheelchair, Lady Eddison is at the head of the table, Davenport is on the ground, and the Reverend is to the side of the room.
LADY EDDISON (feeling herself): My jewelry! The Firestone! It's gone! Stolen...
DAVENPORT (in horror): Roger...
Roger is lying with his head in a bowl, a knife in his back. Robina screams. Lady Eddison walks over to his son's body shaking her head in disbelief. She hugs him as she talks.
LADY EDDISON (crying): My son... my child!
In the drawing room, Agatha sits on the sofa and the Doctor stands in front of the fireplace, thinking. Donna walks in and sits next to Agatha.
DONNA: That poor footman. Roger's dead and he can't even mourn him. 1926, it's more like the dark ages.
AGATHA: Did you enquire after the necklace?
DONNA: Lady Eddison bought it back from India. It's worth thousands.
DOCTOR (pondering): It can sting, it can fly. It could wipe us all out in seconds, why is it playing this game?
AGATHA: Every murder is essentially the same. They are committed because somebody wants something.
DOCTOR: What does a Vespiform want?
AGATHA: Doctor, stop it. The murderer is as human as you or I.
DOCTOR (sudden realisation): You're right!
He walks over and kneels to Agatha.
DOCTOR: Ah, I've been so caught up with giant wasps that I've forgotten. You're the expert!
AGATHA: I'm not, I've told you! I'm just a... purveyor of nonsense.
DOCTOR: No, no, no, no, no! Because plenty of people write detective stories, but yours are the best! And why? Why are you so good, Agatha Christie? Because you understand! You've lived... you've fought... you've had your heart broken. You know about people... their passions, their hope, and despair, and anger. All of those tiny, huge things, that can turn the most ordinary person into a killer. Just think, Agatha! If anyone can solve this... it's you!
Everyone has gathered in the drawing room. The Doctor is standing in front of the group.
DOCTOR: I've called you here on this endless night, because we have a murderer in our midst. And when it comes to detection, there's none finer. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you... Agatha Christie!
The Doctor takes a seat next to Donna as Agatha takes his spot.
AGATHA: This is a crooked house. A house of secrets. To understand the solution, we must examine them all. Starting with you...
Agatha pauses, looking in the direction of Lady Edison, but then turns to Robina.
AGATHA: ...Miss Redmond.
ROBINA: But I'm innocent, surely?
AGATHA: You've never met these people and these people have never met you. I think the real Robina Redmond never left London, you're impersonating her!
ROBINA: How silly! What proof do you have?
AGATHA: You said you went to the toilet...
DONNA: Oh, I know this. If she was really posh, she'd say "loo".
Agatha reaches down to the coffee table and lifts up the Unicorn's box.
AGATHA: Earlier today, Miss Noble and I found this on the lawn. Right beneath your bathroom window. You must have heard that Miss Noble was searching the bedrooms, so you panicked. You ran upstairs and disposed of the evidence.
A flashback shows exactly what Agatha had just explained.
ROBINA: I've never seen that thing before in my life.
LADY EDDISON: What's inside it?
Agatha opens the box to reveal its contents.
AGATHA: The tools of your trade, Miss Redmond. Or should I say... (showing the tools to everyone) the Unicorn!
Everyone stares at Rubina, shocked.
AGATHA: You came to this house with one sole intention. To steal the Firestone!
Robina looks Agatha closely in the eye, before getting up from her seat. Her voice, her accent, her whole attitude changes.
ROBINA: Oh, alright then. It's a fair cop. Yes, I'm the bleedin' Unicorn. Ever so nice to meet you, I don't think. I took my chance in the dark and napped it. Go on then, you knobs. Arrest me, sling me in jail!
She pulls out the Firestone from inside her dress and tosses it to the Doctor.
DONNA: So, is she the murderer?
ROBINA: Don't be so thick. I might be a thief, but I ain't no killer.
AGATHA: Quite. There are darker motives at work. And in examining this household, we come to you... (Agatha eyes Lady Edison again, but then turns away) Colonel!
COLONEL: Damn it, woman! You with your perspicacity! You've rumbled me.
He stands up from his wheelchair.
LADY EDDISON: Hugh, you can walk! But why!?
COLONEL: My darling, how else could I be certain of keeping you by my side?
LADY EDDISON: I don't understand...
COLONEL: You're still a beautiful woman, Clemency. Sooner or later some chap will turn your head. I couldn't bear that. Staying in the chair was the only way I could be certain of keeping you. (turning to Agatha) Confound it, Mrs Christie, how did you discover the truth?
AGATHA: Um, actually I had no idea. I was just going to say you're completely innocent.
COLONEL: Oh... ugh.
AGATHA: Sorry!
COLONEL: Well, well shall I sit down then?
AGATHA: Yeah, I think you better had.
He sits down and Lady Eddison holds his hand.
DONNA: So he's not the murderer?
AGATHA: Indeed, not. To find the truth let's return to this. (she takes the Firestone from the Doctor). Far more than the Unicorn's object of desire. The Firestone has quite a history. Lady Eddison.
LADY EDDISON (shocked): I've done nothing!
AGATHA: You brought it back from India, did you not? Before you met the Colonel. You came home with malaria, and confined yourself to this house for six month, in a room that has been kept locked ever since, which I rather think means...
LADY EDDISON: Stop, please.
AGATHA: I'm so sorry. But you had fallen pregnant in India. Unmarried and ashamed, you hurried back to England with your confidante, a young maid later to become housekeeper Miss Chandrakala.
COLONEL: Clemency, is this true?
LADY EDDISON: My poor baby. I had to give him away. The shame of it.
COLONEL: But you never said a word...
LADY EDDISON: I had no choice. Imagine the scandal. The family name! I'm British, I carry on.
DOCTOR: And it was no ordinary pregnancy.
LADY EDDISON: How can you know that?
DOCTOR: 'Scuse me Agatha, this is my territory. But when you heard that buzzing sound in the dining room, you said "It can't be." Why did you say that?
LADY EDDISON (whispering): You'd never believe it.
AGATHA: The Doctor has opened my mind to believe many things.
Flashback starts, showing what Lady Eddison says.
LADY EDDISON (VO): It was forty years ago, in the heat of Delhi, late one night. I was alone. And that's when I saw it, a dazzling light in the sky. The next day, he came to the house. Christopher, the most handsome man I'd ever seen. Our love blazed like a wildfire. I held nothing back. And in return... he showed me the incredible truth about himself. He'd made himself human, to learn about us.
We see Christopher becoming a giant wasp.
LADY EDDISON (VO): This was his true shape.
Flashback ends.
LADY EDDISON: I loved him so much, it didn't matter. But he was stolen from me. 1885, the year of the great monsoon. The river Jumna rose up and broke its banks. He was taken at the flood. But Christopher left me a parting gift, (flashback shows him giving her the Firestone) a jewel like no other. I wore it always, part of me never forgot. I kept it close. Always.
ROBINA: Just like a man, flashes his family jewels, and you end up with a bun in the oven!
AGATHA: A "poor little child". Forty years ago, Miss Chandrakala took that newborn babe to an orphanage. But Professor Peach worked it out. He found the birth certificate.
DONNA: Oh, that's maiden! Maiden name!
AGATHA: Precisely.
DONNA: So, she killed him?
LADY EDDISON: I did not!
AGATHA: Miss Chandrakala feared that the Professor had unearthed your secret. She was coming to warn you.
DONNA: So, she killed her?
LADY EDDISON: I did not!
AGATHA: Lady Eddison (pause) is innocent. Because at this point... Doctor!
The Doctor rises from his seat and takes Agatha's place.
DOCTOR: Thank you. At this point, when we consider the lies and the secrets, and the key to these events, then we have to consider... it was you, Donna Noble!
He points to Donna who is staring at him in shock.
DONNA: What!? Who did I kill?
DOCTOR: No, but you said it, all along. The vital clue. This whole thing is being acted out like a murder mystery. Which means... (he points to Agatha) it was you, Agatha Christie!
AGATHA (astounded): I beg your pardon, sir!
DONNA: So, she killed them?
DOCTOR: No! But she wrote! She wrote those brilliant, clever books. And who's her greatest admirer? The moving finger points at you... (he points at Lady Eddison) Lady Eddison!
LADY EDDISON: Don't, leave me alone!
DONNA: So, she did kill them?
DOCTOR: No! But just think, last Thursday night, what were you doing?
LADY EDDISON: I was... I was in the library. I was reading my favourite Agatha Christie (flashback shows Lady Eddison reading in the library) thinking about her plots, and how clever she must be. How is that relevant?
DOCTOR : Just think. What else happened on Thursday night?
The Doctor looks at Reverend Golightly who stares back, confused.
REVEREND: I'm sorry?
DOCTOR: You said on the lawn, this afternoon. Last Thursday night, those boys broke into your church.
REVEREND: That's correct.
Flashback of him walking into the church and finding a robbery.
REVEREND (VO): They did. I discovered the two of them. Thieves in the night, I was most perturbed.
REVEREND (in the flashback): What the blazes are you doing boys?
Flashback ends.
REVEREND: But, I apprehended them.
DOCTOR: Really? A man of God against two strong lads? A man in his forties? Or, should I say... forty years old, exactly?
LADY EDDISON: Oh my god!
DOCTOR: Lady Eddison, your child, how old would he be now?
LADY EDDISON: Forty, he's forty!
DOCTOR: Your child has come home.
REVEREND: This is poppycock!
DOCTOR: Oh? You said you were taught by the Christian Fathers. Meaning, you were raised in an orphanage.
LADY EDDISON: My son... can it be?
DOCTOR: You found those thieves, Reverend, and you got angry! A proper, deep anger, for the first time in your life, and it broke the genetic lock! You've changed!
Flashback to the night of the robbery, where we left off. The boys are heading away from the alter with the stolen items.
REVEREND: Put thozzzzze... thingzzzzz... back where you found them! It'zzzz...
Purple light engulfs him and he shakes violently. Flashback ends.
DOCTOR: You realized your inheritance! After all these years, you knew who you were.
He snatches the Firestone off Agatha.
DOCTOR: Oh, and then it all kicks off, cos this isn't just jewel. It's a Vespiform telepathic recorder! It's part of you, your brain, your very essence. When you activated, so did the Firestone. It beamed your full identity directly into your mind. And, at the same time (flashback of Lady Eddison reading "The murder of Roger Ackroyd" in the library) it absorbed the works of Agatha Christie, directly from Lady Eddison. It all became part of you.
Flashes of the Reverend and random pages from the book.
DOCTOR: Mechanics of those novels formed a template in your brain. You've killed, in this pattern, because that's what you think the world is. Turns out, we are in the middle of a murder mystery. One of yours, Dame Agatha!
AGATHA: Dame?
DOCTOR: Oh, sorry, not yet.
DONNA: So he killed them? Yes? Definitely?
DOCTOR: Yes.
REVEREND: Well... this has certainly been a most entertaining evening.
Everyone stares at him.
REVEREND: Really, you can't believe any of this surely, Lady Edizzzz...
DOCTOR: Lady who?
REVEREND (struggling): Lady Edizzzzzon...
DOCTOR: Little bit of buzzing there, Vicar?
REVEREND: Don't make me angry!
He rises from his seat and stands up in front of the group.
DOCTOR: Why? What happens then?
REVEREND: Damn it! You humanzzzz! Worshipping your tribal sky godzzz! I am so much more! That night, the universe exploded in my mind! I wanted to take what wazzz mine. And you, Agatha Christie, with your railway station bookstall romancezzzzz... What'zzzzz to stop me killing you?
LADY EDDISON: Oh, my dear god. (reaching out towards him) My child!
Purple light surrounds the Reverend while he transforms into the Vespiform.
REVEREND: What'zzzz to stop me killing you all?
Fully transformed, he flies at the people.
LADY EDDISON: Forgive me!
COLONEL: No, no, Clemency, come bac k! Keep away, keep away my darling!
He pulls her away from the Vespiform. They back into a corner with Greeves and Robina.
AGATHA (holding up the Firestone): No! No more murder! If my imagination made you kill, then my imagination will find a way to stop you, foul creature!
She runs out, the Doctor, Donna and the Vespiform following her.
DONNA: Wait! Now it's chasing us!
The two get out of the manor and shut the door behind them. Agatha drives up in one of the vintage cars and beeps a horns at them. The Vespiform breaks through the door.
AGATHA: Over here! Come and get me, Reverend!
DOCTOR: Agatha, what are you doing?
AGATHA: If I started this Doctor, then I must stop it!
She drives away. The Doctor and Donna run towards the other car. The Vespiform hesitates for a second, then flies off after Agatha.
DOCTOR: Come on!
AGATHA: It's all my fault, it's all my fault, it's all my fault!
The Doctor and Donna follow her with the other car.
DONNA: You said this is the night Agatha Christie loses her memory.
DOCTOR: Time is in flux, Donna! For all we know, this is the night Agatha Christie loses her life and history gets changed.
DONNA: But where's she going?
DOCTOR: The lake! She's heading for the lake. What's she doing?
The cars stop at the Silent Pool lake. Agatha gets out and holds up the Firestone, which is engulfed in purple glow.
AGATHA : Here I am! The honey in the trap. Come to me, Vespiform...
DONNA: She's controlling it!
DOCTOR: Its mind is based on her thought processes. They're linked!
Donna and the Doctor stand beside Agatha.
AGATHA: Quite so, Doctor! If I die, then this creature might die with me.
The Doctor steps in front of Agatha and faces the Vespiform.
DOCTOR: Don't hurt her! You're not meant to be like this. You've got the wrong template in your mind.
DONNA: It's not listening.
Donna snatches the Firestone off Agatha and throws it into the lake, the Vespiform chasing after it, drowning in a purple glow. The three of them look down at the lake in sorrow.
DONNA (sadly): How d'you kill a wasp? Drown it. Just like his father.
DOCTOR: Donna, that thing couldn't help itself.
DONNA (defensively): Neither could I!
AGATHA: Death comes as the end... and justice is served.
DOCTOR: Murder at the Vicar's rage. (Donna stares at him) Needs a bit of work.
AGATHA: Just one mystery left, Doctor. Who exactly are you?
The Doctor takes a deep breath to answer, but Agatha suddenly collapses, yelling in pain.
DOCTOR: Oh, it's the Firestone! It's part of the Vespiform's mind. It's dying and it's connected to Agatha!
A purple glow engulfs Agatha, but then it stops and she rests silently with her eyes shut.
DOCTOR: He let her go. Right at the end, the Vespiform chose to save someone's life.
DONNA: Is she alright, though?
DOCTOR: Oh, of course! The amnesia! Wiped her mind of everything that happened. The wasp, the murders...
DONNA: And us! She'll forget about us.
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we've solved another riddle. The mystery of Agatha Christie. And tomorrow morning, her car gets found by the side of the lake.
We see repeat of the flashes from the beginning of the episode: the view of Agatha's car by the lake...
DOCTOR (VO): A few days later, she turns up in hotel at Harrogate, with no idea of what just happened.
...Agatha standing at the Harrogate Hotel entrance, looking at the Doctor and Donna in confusion...
DOCTOR (VO): No-one'll ever know.
...then she slowly walks into the hotel.
DONNA (VO): Lady Eddison, the Colonel, and all the staff... what about them?
Camera turns to the Doctor and Donna standing outside the TARDIS, near the hotel.
DOCTOR: Shameful story. They'd never talk of it. Too British. While the Unicorn does a bunk, back to London town. She could never even say she was there.
DONNA: But, what happens to Agatha?
DOCTOR: Oh, great life! Met another man, married again. Saw the world. Wrote and wrote and wrote.
DONNA: She never thought her books were any good, though. And she must have spent all those years wondering.
They get into the TARDIS, the Doctor puts his coat on one of the "trees" inside.
DOCTOR: Thing is, I don't think she ever quite forgot. Great mind like that, some of the details kept bleeding through. All the stuff her imagination could use. Like, Miss Marple!
DONNA: I should have made her sign a contract.
DOCTOR: And, where is it, where is it, hold on... (He lifts up a piece of the TARDIS floor and gets out a chest). Here we go. C... (He opens the chest and rummages the contents). That is, C for Cybermen (he throws aside a Cyberman chest plate), C for Carrionites (he discards the Carrionite globe too, then does the same with the head of a stone statue), and... (he finds a book) Christie, Agatha!
He shows it to Donna. It is "Death in the Clouds", with a giant wasp on the cover.
DOCTOR: Look at that.
DONNA: She did remember!
DOCTOR: Somewhere in the back of her mind, it all lingered. And that's not all. Look at the copyright page.
He hands the book to Donna and she examines the copyright page.
DONNA: Facsimile edition, published in the year... five billion?!
DOCTOR: People never stop reading them. She is the best selling novelist, of all time.
DONNA (sighing): But she never knew.
DOCTOR: Well, no one knows how they're gonna be remembered. All we can do is hope for the best. Maybe that's what kept her writing. Same thing keeps me travelling. (smiling at Donna). Onwards?
DONNA (smiling back): Onwards!
They watch the TARDIS console happily as the engines start to work.
Source: twiztv | Plan: A: The Doctor; Q: Who realizes that they have arrived on the day Agatha Christie disappears? A: Donna; Q: Who throws the necklace into the Silent Pool? A: a dinner party; Q: What do the Doctor and Donna invite themselves to in 1926? A: human form; Q: What form does the Vespiform take? A: Vespiform; Q: What is the name of the giant shapeshifting alien wasp that kills three of the guests? A: Lady Eddison's illegitimate half-human son; Q: Who is Reverend Golightly? A: a telepathic link; Q: What does Golightly have with Lady Eddison? A: the details; Q: What did Golightly absorb from The Murder of Roger Ackroyd? A: The Murder of Roger Ackroyd; Q: What Agatha Christie murder mystery was Reverend Golightly reading? A: his mother; Q: Who was reading The Murder of Roger Ackroyd when Reverend Golightly became aware of his alien nature? A: drowns; Q: What happens to the wasp when he dives after Donna's necklace? A: amnesia; Q: What does Agatha suffer from after she falls unconscious? A: the Doctor; Q: Who drops off Agatha at the Harrogate Hotel? A: the Harrogate Hotel; Q: Where does the Doctor drop off Agatha Christie after she suffers amnesia? Summary: The Doctor and Donna invite themselves to a dinner party in 1926, hosted by Lady Clemency Eddison and Hugh Curbishley, where one of the guests is Agatha Christie . The Doctor realises that they have arrived on the day Agatha inexplicably disappears. A giant shapeshifting alien wasp in human form called a Vespiform kills three of the guests with methods similar to the murders in Agatha's murder mysteries. The Vespiform is revealed to be Lady Eddison's illegitimate half-human son, Reverend Golightly. Golightly, who has a telepathic link with Lady Eddison through her necklace, became aware of his alien nature and absorbed the details of The Murder of Roger Ackroyd , an Agatha Christie murder mystery his mother was reading at the time. He transforms into the Vespiform and threatens the guests. Agatha lures him towards the Silent Pool . Donna throws the necklace into the water, and the wasp dives after it and drowns. Due to her own connection with the necklace, Agatha falls unconscious and suffers from amnesia . This becomes the event that gave her the amnesia during her disappearance, and the Doctor drops her off at the Harrogate Hotel . |
Michael: [clears throat] Hey, what's up?
Jim: Hey.
Michael: Any emails today?
Jim: Um... I don't think so.
Michael: No? Um... Check your spam folder.
Jim: Oh! There it is!
Michael: What?
Jim: Um... 'Fifty signs your priest might be Michael Jackson.'
Michael: [laughs uncontrollably]
Jim: Well done.
Michael: Kay.
Jim: Topical.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: I am king of forwards. It's how I like to do business, everybody joking around. We're like 'Friends'. I am Chandler and Joey and, uh, Pam is Rachel. And Dwight is Kramer.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Dwight: So the monkey does the s*x thing right here! [monkey noises in background]
Michael: That's funny! That's funny. Not offensive. Uh... because it's nature. Educational.
Dwight: Do you want the link because then you could forward it around?
Michael: Um, I...
Dwight: Consider it?
Michael: Yeah... maybe. Maybe. Well, we'll see. Because I... I don't know if it's... [muffled by jacket over his head] Whup! Come on! Hey!
Todd Packer: What has two thumbs and likes to bone your Mom? [points at self] This guy!
Michael: Kay! Oh, you are so bad! Yeah!
Todd Packer: [makes laser gun noises]
Michael: Oh, Boom! Bam! Oh, this guy is out of control! He is a madman! Better get the bleep button ready for him.
Todd Packer: bleep, bleep. What's up, Halpert?
Michael: Uh oh.
Todd Packer: Still queer?
Michael: Uh oh! Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho-o!
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: Todd Packer and I are total BFF. Best Friends Forever. He and I came up together as salesmen. One time, we were out and we met this set of twins. And Packer told them that we were brothers. And so, you know, one thing led to another, and we brought em back to the motel. And then Packer did both of them. It was awesome. So...
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: Oh-whoa-oh! Oh! Okay. Grade 'A' gossip for you, right now. Randall, CFO, resigned. Nobody knows why.
Todd Packer: Are you kidding? Everyone knows why! You don't know? Okay, check this out. Al lright. So here's the story. So Randall is nailing his secretary, right? And she is totally incompetent.
Michael: Really? Here we go! Buckle up. It's going to be a bumpy one!
Todd Packer: We're talking blonde incompetent.
Michael: Oh, yeah.
Todd Packer: Like 10 words a minute... talking.
Michael: Well, to be fair... blondes, brunettes, you know, there's a lot of dumb people out there.
Todd Packer: They are women, right?
Michael: Oh! Wow! I didn't say it! I didn't say it!
Todd Packer: I said it. And then, suddenly, for no reason, this bimbo blows the whistle on the whole thing just to be a bitch.
Michael: Oh, wow! What did I tell you about the bleep button.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Jim: Hey, um... what has two thumbs and hates Todd Packer? [points at self] This guy!
[SCENE_BREAK]
Todd Packer: Meant to ask you, can you think you can get someone to drive me around because of the, uh, DUI situation?
Michael: Oh. Bad boy. [to Ryan] Um... Ryan? [makes Donald Duck noise]
Todd Packer: [to Ryan] Come on, kid. Let's go.
Michael: Ah! Man. That Todd Packer can do anything.
Jim: Except pass that breathalyzer.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Ryan: You a big William Hung fan?
Todd Packer: Why does everyone ask me that? Who the hell is that?
[SCENE_BREAK]
Kevin's computer: [monkey noises]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Jim: I'm really excited to meet your Mom.
Pam: You are?
[SCENE_BREAK]
Pam: My Mom is coming in to visit. And she lives like two hours away. And she doesn't have a cell phone... which is cool cause it's kind of adding some suspense to my day. And I keep looking over at the door hoping she'll walk in.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Pam: I've decided to show her around. She really wants to meet everybody.
Jim: Oh yeah?
Pam: mmhmm.
Jim: Good. Cause I have a lot of questions.
Pam: Oh really?
Jim: Yeah. As a child, did Pam show any traits that would hint towards her future career as a receptionist?
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: Hey, send me that link to the monkey s*x video. I'm going to forward it like it's hot.
Dwight: Yes!
Michael: Forward it like it's hot. Forward it like it's hot. "Old School".
Toby: Michael?
Michael: Yes, Toby?
Toby: Um... I need to talk to you in your office. It'll just take two seconds.
Michael: Um... literally two seconds?
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: Toby is in HR which technically means he works for Corporate. So he's really not a part of our family. Also he's divorced so he's really not a part of his family.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Toby: The full story is that Randall resigned because of sexual harassment. So Corporate asked me to do a five minute review of the Company Sexual Harassment policy.
Michael: No, no, Toby. No.
Toby: It's really not a big deal, Michael.
Michael: It is a big deal. It's a big deal! What are we supposed to do? Scrutinize every little thing we say and do all day? I mean, come on!
Toby: And then Corporate is going to send in a lawyer...
Michael: What?
Toby: Just to refresh you... .
Michael: NO!
Toby: on our policy.
Michael: What? He! No! Okay, what is a lawyer going to come in and tell us? To not send out hilarious emails or not tell jokes?
Toby: Maybe not some of them. Maybe not inappropriate ones.
Michael: There is no such thing as an appropriate joke. That's why it's a joke.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: Everyone! Hello! Everyone. Hi! Sorry to interrupt. I know you're all busy and the last thing you want is for a major interruption. But Toby has an announcement that he insists on making right now in the middle of the day. [to Toby] So, take it away.
Toby: Yeah, okay. Corporate would like us to do a five minute review of the Company Sexual Harassment policy so I'll go over that later.
Michael: I wish you luck, Toby. I really do. But you are going to have a mutiny on your hands and I just can't wait to see how you handle it.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: A guy goes to a five dollar... lady of the night and he gets crabs. So, the next day he goes back to complain. And the woman says "Hey. It was only five dollars. What did you expect? Lobster?" This is what's at stake.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: Time to bring out the big guns. I'm heading down to the warehouse where jokes are born. Find a killer joke that'll just blow everybody away at the seminar later. And remind them what is great about this place. So... ah! Here they are. [to Warehouse guys] Guys! Wondering if I could, uh, get your help for something. I'm looking for a new joke to tell and it needs to be just killer. And it does not need to be clean. So whatcha got?
Darryl: Like a joke? A knock-knock joke?
Michael: Um, yeah, no, well... I mean better. Better than that. The type of stuff you guys tell all day.
Darryl: Well, [points at Michael] those are some awful tight pants you have on. Where'd you get em? Like Queers R Us?
Roy: Boys R Us!
Warehouse Guy: Oh!
Michael: Alright, alright. Well, yeah, but, you know... a joke but not necessarily at my expense.
Darryl: Man, we can see all your business coming around the corner, okay? You need to, you know, hide the... good thing you don't have a lot of business to start with.
Michael: Oooh, okay. That was still about me.
Roy: Hey, hey, hey.
Michael: What?
Roy: So you don't have the biggest package. Don't feel bad.
Michael: I don't feel bad.
Darryl: [fake whispers to Roy] I think he feels bad.
Michael: No, I don't.
Roy: You look like you feel bad.
Michael: Okay.
Roy: Little package!
Michael: Well, not exactly what I was looking for but thanks guys.
Warehouse guy: Little package! Little package!
Michael: Thank you.
Roy: You look good.
Darryl: Hiding from his momma.
Warehouse guys: [kissing noises, sheep baaing sounds]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Toby: So remember, intent is irrelevant. And that's it. Pam?
Pam: Um... I just wanted to say that... Just, my Mom's coming in today.
Kevin: MILF!
Pam: Thanks, Kevin.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Pam: Usually the day we talk about sexual harassment is the day that everyone harasses me as a joke.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Pam: She's coming in today and maybe just don't joke around about that stuff in front of her.
Toby: Great point.
Pam: Thank you.
Toby: Um... in fact, basic rule of thumb, let's just act everyday like Pam's Mom's coming in. All right. That's it. Um... if anybody has any questions about anything, you know where I sit in the back.
Michael: Hi, is it over?
Toby: Uh, yes!
Michael: No.
Toby: I can go over it with you.
Michael: I know, I know. It's good. It is not over. It is not over til it's over.
Toby: It's over.
Michael: Did he tell you everything? Obviously, he didn't because you all still look relatively happy. Albeit bored. Do you realize what we're losing? Seriously?
Angela: Email forwards.
Michael: Exactly! Mmwwah [blows kiss to Angela]! Can we afford to lose email forwards? Do we want that?
Angela: I hate them. You send me these filthy emails and you say forward them to ten people or you'll have bad luck.
Michael: Give me a break. Umm... Stanley, how about that hot picture you have by your desk? Centerfold in the Catholic schoolgirl's outfit? I mean, it is hot, it is sexy, and it turns him on. And I will admit, best part of my morning is staring at it. But what? Are we just going to take it away?
Stanley: That is my daughter. She goes to Catholic girls' school. I am taking it down right now.
Meredith: Um... what about office romance?
Toby: Office relationships are never a good idea. Yeah. So let's just try to avoid them. But, um, if you already have one, you should disclose it to HR.
Phyllis: All relationships? Eh, even a one-night stand?
Michael: I think the old honor system was just fine. For example, I have never slept with an employee. And, believe me, I could have.
Dwight: Yeah, Meredith.
Michael: No! No! Catherine. Remember her? Remember how hot she was?
Dwight: Yes.
Michael: She would have definitely slept with me.
Kevin: She wasn't that hot.
Michael: Yes, she was. Dammit, Kevin!
Toby: Ok, you know, Michael...
[SCENE_BREAK]
Jim: I'm in an office relationship. It's special. Um... she's nice. She's shy. She's actually here. You want to meet her? Hold on one second. Oh, my God! Put on a shirt! Put on a... . I told you that you'd be on camera. I'm sorry, she's European. No, I told you that you'd be on camera. Stop it.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: What if Pam was a lesbian? What if she brought her "partner" in to work? [to Toby] Would that be crossing the line?
Toby: No.
Michael: What if they made out? In front of everybody?
Toby: Well, that would be...
Michael: At home? And I told everybody everything about it.
Toby: Okay, I'm lost.
Michael: Okay. Well, then let's act it out. Pam, you will be girl A and girl B will be... Okay! We'll use the doll. Pam. Pam?
[SCENE_BREAK]
Video: [Crossing the Line: Rules for the Modern Workplace]
Michael: I wish Todd Packer was here because he would love this. I wonder if anybody else would like to do this. Hey! Um... we have to watch, uh, Toby's video that he's showing us in order to brainwash us and I was wondering if anybody would like to join in? Going to be fun. Got my great pizza. Whataya say? Jim?
Jim: No, thanks. I'm good.
Michael: That's what she said. Pam?
Pam: Uh... my mother's coming.
Michael: That's what she sai [clears throat] Nope, but... Okay. Well, suit yourself.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Dwight: Hey, Toby.
Toby: Hey Dwight.
Dwight: You said that we could come to you if we had any questions.
Toby: Sure.
Dwight: Where is the clitoris? On a website, it said at the crest of the labia. What does that mean? What does the female v*g1n* look like?
[SCENE_BREAK]
Toby: Technically, I am in Human Resources. And Dwight was asking about human anatomy. Um... I'm just sad the public school system failed him so badly.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Toby: Yeah, maybe when you get really comfortable with each other, you can ask for that.
Dwight: Good. Good. And...
Toby: I should get back to work.
Dwight: Okay.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Man in Video: In today's fast-paced business climate, it can sometimes be hard to know when a comment or an action crosses the line. Let's take a look at a couple of scenarios and ask ourselves 'where is the line?'
Video: [Scenario 1[/b]: The Natural Redhead]
Roy: Natural redhead.
Actor: Hey, Rach.
Redheaded Actress: Hey, Joe. Mike.
Actor: Hey, settle a bet. Are you a natural redhead?
Darryl: Oh, Mi... ! Hey, stop the video! Michael, stop it right there! Stop it right there! That's that girl from that thing. [pointing at Redheaded Actress] I banged this girl right here. This is...
Roy: That's her?
Darryl: Yes, this is the one.
Roy: No!
Darryl: You remember? Yes!
Roy: At the party?
Warehouse guy: You banged her?
Darryl: Yes! [to video screen] Right here. You are a naughty girl!
Michael: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa... Okay! Hypocrite! She is a hypocrite. That is such a scam! Okay.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Jan: [to cell phone] Yes. Yes, I did. Okay. Well, we can talk about that later then. [to Pam] Hi.
Michael: Okay, you are never going to believe this. The girl in the video we're watching that Corporate gave us... Darryl banged her! Aaand is about 90% sure.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Todd Packer: Don't ever let this little bitch drive you around town. We got, uh, lost for half an hour.
Pam: I don't have any DUI's so I can drive myself, but thanks.
Todd Packer: Where is Michael Snot? Sniffing some dude's thong? Probably.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: So you are the lawyer, Mr. O'Malley? I know a lot of lawyer jokes.
Mr. O'Malley: I love lawyer jokes.
Michael: Well, it's probably because you don't get 'em.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: When I said before that I was king of forwards, you got to understand that I don't come up with this stuff. I just forward it along. You wouldn't arrest a guy who's just delivering drugs from one guy to another.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Jan: You seem a little bit agitated, Michael. What's the problem?
Michael: The problem is that I am the boss and apparently I can't say anything.
Jan: Well, that... that's true in a way. You can't say anything.
Michael: Where's the line? Where's the line, Jan.
Jan: Do you need to see the video again, Michael?
Michael: No, I've seen the video.
Toby: [to Jan] He talked the whole time.
Michael: No, I didn't. [to Jan] Huh, what? [everyone looks up at blow-up doll]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: Attention, everyone! Hello! Ah, yes! I just want you to know that, uh, this is not my decision, but from here on out... we can no longer be friends. And when we talk about things here we must only discuss work-associated things. And, uh, you can consider this my retirement from comedy. And in the future, if I want to say something funny or witty or do an impression, I will no longer, ever, do any of those things.
Jim: Does that include 'That's What She Said'?
Michael: Mmmhmm. Yes.
Jim: Wow! That is really hard. You really think you can go all day long? Well, you always left me satisfied and smiling, so...
Michael: THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!
Jan: Michael. MICHAEL!
Michael: [laughing] Come on.
Jan: Michael, please.
Todd Packer: There he is.
Michael: Mwah! [kisses hand and salutes office]
Todd Packer: There he is. Good one.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: You would have done the same. You just didn't think of it first.
Jan: Mike... Michael. Please. I... I... really.
Michael: It's... That's...
Jan: That's not my sense of humor.
Michael: Okay. [to man entering office] Hello. [introduces] Jan. Mr. O'Malley. This is my lawyer, James P. Albiny.
Jan: Wha...
Michael: I believe you may recognize his face from the billboards. He specializes in Free Speech issues.
Albiny: [to camera] And motorcycle head injuries, worker's comp, and diet pill lawsuits.
Michael: This guy does it all.
Jan: [to Albiny] 'Scuse me, I'm sorry. [to Michael] Michael. Mr. O'Malley is your lawyer.
Michael: What?
Jan: Mr. O'Malley is our Corporate lawyer. We have him on retainer. To protect the company as well as upper level management, such as yourself.
Michael: So I'm not in trouble?
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: I am so used to being the bad boy. I am so used to fighting Corporate that I forget that I am Corporate. Upper management. They hooked me up with an attorney. To protect me. You can't be too careful about what you say. Mo' money, mo' problems.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: Okay. Well, let's get you out of here, James. Um... I think we're under an hour still, so...
Albiny: Yeah, but I did a lot of paperwork at home before I got here.
Michael: I know. We'll talk about it later. Thanks for coming in.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Pam's Mom: Um... hello.
Pam: [ecstatic] Oh my god!
Pam's Mom: Finally made it!
Pam: Hello!
[SCENE_BREAK]
Pam: I love my Mom. Okay. That's probably really the most obvious statement ever.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Pam's Mom: This is all yours?
Pam: Yeah. I'm in charge of this whole area.
Pam's Mom: Oh, my goodness. That's great.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Todd Packer: So a guy goes home, tells his wife, "Honey. Pack your bags. I just won the lottery." She goes, "Oh my god! That's incredible! Where are we going?" He goes, "I don't know where you're going, just be out of here by five!" [men laugh] Boom!
[SCENE_BREAK]
Pam: This is where I used to keep my computer.
Pam's Mom: Oh, right! I remember...
Pam: But then I moved it.
Pam's Mom: with the picture.
Pam: Yeah, yeah, but I uh... I switched stuff around because I actually needed like more room for organization. So...
Pam's Mom: Sure.
Pam: So this is like, um, an organization station...
Pam's Mom: [to Roy] Oooooh!
Pam: Hey!
Pam's Mom: Well, there he is!
Roy: How are ya?
Pam's Mom: Hi, handsome!
Roy: You look great!
Pam's Mom: Oh, thank you! So! We ready for dinner?
Pam: Well, you know... actually, I kind of need to stall a bit. But, it's okay, because I am very used to killing time.
Pam's Mom: Oh, I don't believe that.
Roy: Okay, I'm going to go wait in the parking lot. And what kind of tunes you want for the ride? Little, uh, classical? Or oldies?
Pam's Mom: Oh, anything is fine.
Roy: All right, I'll see ya.
Pam's Mom: So which one is Jim?
Pam: Mom!
Pam's Mom: I just wanted to know.
Pam: No.
Pam's Mom: All right. Okay.
Pam: Ten minutes.
Pam's Mom: Okay.
Pam: Then we can go to dinner.
Pam's Mom: I'll make myself busy.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Todd Packer: There's this guy. He's at a Nymphomaniac Convention. And he is psyched 'cause all these women are smokin' hot perfect 10's, except for this one chick who looks a lot like, uh... [points at Phyllis]
Kevin: Phyllis?
Michael: No. No, no, no. That crosses the line.
Todd Packer: Ex-squeeze me?
Michael: Not you. Kevin. Just unwarranted. Hostile work environment, Kevin.
Kevin: Packer said it.
Michael: No. You said it. He pointed. A point is not a say. Look. Kevin, we are a family here and Phyllis is a valued member of that family. Like a grandmother.
Phyllis: I'm the same age as you, Michael.
Michael: I don't know about that.
Phyllis: We're in the same High School class.
Michael: Well, I have a late birthday and usually September's a cut-off point. [to Kevin] You know what? You just crossed the line. Okay? There's a line and you went over it. And you must be punished. So go to your corner.
Kevin: You mean where my desk is?
Michael: Yes, your corner. Go.
Kevin: Okay. I have a lot of work to do anyway.
Michael: Mmmhmmm.
Todd Packer: Oh my. They really got to you, didn't they?
Michael: They didn't get to me. I got to them. I am still the same old Michael Scott. New and improved. You know what? I love Phyllis. You know what else? I think she is gorgeous. I think she is incredibly, incredibly attractive person. [to Phyllis] C'mere, c'mere, c'mon! Come on! Come on.
Phyllis: Michael! Come on!
Michael: Oooh!
Phyllis: You don't have to worry. I'm not going to...
Michael: I'm not worried.
Phyllis: ...report you to HR.
Michael: You know what? The only thing I'm worried about... is getting a boner. Good work today, everybody.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: Times have changed a little. And even though we're still a family here at Dunder-Mifflin, families grow. And at some point, the daddy can't take a bath with the kids anymore. I am Upper Management. And it would be inappropriate for me to take a bath with Pam. As much as I might want to.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Pam: He said what? | Plan: A: Corporate headquarters; Q: Who ordered Toby Flenderson to conduct a review of the company's sexual harassment policies? A: Human Resources representative Toby Flenderson; Q: Who was sent to review the company's sexual harassment policies? A: the company's sexual harassment policies; Q: What does Corporate headquarters order Toby Flenderson to review at the Scranton branch? A: Michael; Q: Who fears that the lawyer will hinder his ability to keep an "easy-going office"? A: the lawyer; Q: Who was sent to protect Michael? Summary: Corporate headquarters orders Human Resources representative Toby Flenderson to conduct a review at the Scranton branch of the company's sexual harassment policies. The company also sends a lawyer to Scranton. Michael fears that this will hinder his ability to keep an "easy-going office," but later realizes that the lawyer was sent to protect him. |
[PREVIOUSLY_ON]
It's Marian.
Regina: He's honor-bound to stay with her. Therefore, I have to save her. Why the hell are you following me?! I'm starting to think maybe it wasn't just some curse that brought her to Storybrooke. Where is she? She's gone.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Storybrooke ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
(The Snow Queen uses her power to make an ice person.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
(At the sheriff station. Emma and Elsa continue their researches on the Snow Queen.)
Emma: Somewhere in here, there's got to be something on her.
Elsa: There has to be a better strategy. While we're reading files, my sister is out there somewhere. We have to confront this Snow Queen.
Emma: Believe me, if I could, we would. We have to find her first. And, Elsa, we have to be careful. This woman is tricky. She seems to know both of us, and we don't remember anything about her. And something tells me that that is not an accident.
Elsa: You think she took our memories?
Emma: I'm really good with names and faces. It was my job. She took them, all right. The question is why. We need to find out what the hell she's up to.
(Hook enters with another box.)
Hook: Paperwork, ahoy! Old city records from the mayor's office, per your request.
Will: Oi! Somebody's forgotten about me dinner! I had the bangers and mash.
Emma: You had the water and pop-tart.
Will: Somebody's already had a nibble.
Emma: I've had my shots.
Will: What a relief. Now, I've served me time. So when will I be free?
Emma: When I say so.
Hook: Well... I'm off to take Henry sailing, love, unless there's something else you want me to do here.
Emma: Make sure Henry wears his life vest, okay?
Will: Befriending the son to get in with the mum? Yep, no one will ever see through that.
Hook: Why don't you keep your thoughts to yourself... Mate.
(Hook kisses Emma on the cheek.)
Hook: Goodbye.
(Hook leaves and Elsa finds pictures.)
Elsa: Emma, look. Why are there pictures of you mixed in with the city records?
Emma: Let's just say when Regina was mayor, she abused her power a bit. She was looking for any reason to run me out of town. That's the first time Henry and I went for hot cocoa. When I walked him to school for the first time.
(Emma finds a picture of the Snow Queen and her.)
Elsa: Emma? What is it?
Emma: It's me and her.
Elsa: And you still don't remember any of this?
Emma: No, but I know someone who may... The person who had the photos taken.
[SCENE_BREAK]
(At Regina's vault.)
Regina: Please tell me you've found her.
Sidney: And which "her" would that be? Snow white? Maid Marian? Emma Swan? It's so hard to keep track of her majesty's nemeses.
Regina: I'm not in the mood for games, Sidney. I need to know where the Snow Queen is hiding. If I can't unfreeze Marian myself, I'll force her to do it.
Sidney: Haven't come across the Snow Queen yet, sorry to say.
Regina: Then you have a new task. Find that Snow Queen. Or you'll learn what sorry really feels like.
Sidney: Yes, your majesty.
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Belle is holding Neal in her arms at the Charming family's loft.)
Belle: Shh.
David: See... Belle's a natural. She's got all the emergency numbers. If anything happens, Neal will be okay.
Mary Margaret: I'm not worried about emergency numbers, David. I'm nervous about leaving him at all. Between the curse and the wicked witch, we don't exactly have the best track record with our babies.
David: He is going to be fine. And we need this time away. You need it. Hey. So what do you say? You ready for our evening stroll?
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Emma drives her and Elsa to the woods.)
Elsa: You okay?
Emma: It's just the pictures. Reminds me of when I first got here. Regina and I hated each other. Well, "hate" might be the wrong word, but we did not mix.
Elsa: But it seems like you've come a long way since then.
Emma: Yeah, but it looks like we're right back at it. Just wish I could fix it. Coming?
Elsa: I think this sound like something you two should talk about alone. You know, if things were getting better between you two before, maybe they can again.
Emma: Doubt it. I screwed her over. Once you screw someone over, there's no getting them back.
Elsa: What makes you say that?
Emma: Experience.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Hopkins, Minnesota - 1998 ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Emma is at a food store. A girl watches her and leaves. Emma steals food but get catch. The girl rescues her.)
A woman: Whoa. What you got there?
Lily: I've been looking all over for you. Just go with it. Thanks for hanging on to that till I got us a cart.
A woman: You two girls are on your own?
Lily: My parents are outside in the car. They sent us to grab a few things.
A woman: Okay.
Emma: Thanks. That was about to get ugly.
Lily: Yeah, no kidding. You know, the whole "stuffing things under your shirt" move never works. You need one of these. Lift some plastic, and you can buy whatever you want.
Emma: I'll remember that next time.
Lily: Wait! You're part of my cover now. So what do you say? You want to go shopping?
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Outside the store.)
Emma: Wow. That actually worked.
Lily: Hold onto your bag and run.
Emma: What? Why?
Lily: Trust me. Go! Go! Go!
(A man in a car follows Lily.)
The Man: Hey!
(Emma and Lily run to escape the car.)
Emma: Come on! This way!
(The girls hide and the car loose them.)
Emma: I'm Emma, by the way.
Lily: Lily. Thanks for the help.
Emma: You had my back, and I got yours.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Storybrooke ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
(At Regina's vault.)
Regina: Ms. Swan. What an unpleasant surprise. Unfortunately, I'm a little busy trying to save my true love's wife. Or hadn't you heard?
Emma: What do you know about these?
Regina: It appears you and the Snow Queen are old friends. Well, frenemies at best.
Emma: I have zero memories of this conversation. I was hoping you might. Sidney took these when you had him spying on me. He didn't say anything about what was going on here? Or why I was arguing with the Snow Queen?
Regina: He never mentioned anything. My guess... You skipped the tip jar.
Emma: I suppose I should talk to Sidney, then. But no one seems to know where he is. Have you seen him?
Regina: I've been busy working on Marian, on the problem you created.
Emma: I guess I'll let you get back to it. Any progress on thawing her out?
Regina: It's no concern of yours.
Emma: It could be. I know I'm not sorceress of the year, but if you want some extra juice to undo the spell, let me know.
Regina: Are you offering to help me?
Emma: Despite everything, you've done a lot for me, Regina, so yeah. You've had my back, and I want you to know that I have yours.
Regina: Ms. Swan, one thing's abundantly clear. You've never had my back. And you never will.
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Elsa is waiting for Emma in the car. She ears Anna calling for her.)
Anna: Elsa. Elsa? Elsa, help!
Emma: Anna?
Anna: Elsa. Help me.
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Outside the vault. Emma notices Elsa is gone.)
Emma: Elsa?! Elsa!
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Regina is looking at a picture of Robin and her. Sidney comes back.)
Sidney: My queen, I have news. I have found the Snow Queen's lair.
Regina: Well, where is it?
Sidney: I think a little quid pro quo is in order, don't you? I'm growing tired of this glass prison.
Regina: Let's see if your information yields results. Then we can discuss your freedom.
Sidney: You expect me to give up my leverage before I've received anything in return? Do you think me an imbecile?
Regina: I think I've trapped you in a mirror twice. And if you find them too constricting, well, then... Perhaps you'd like to return to your cell at the hospital.
Sidney: Upon further reflection, it appears I don't have the leverage I thought. Listen closely. I will lead you to her.
[SCENE_BREAK]
(At the sheriff station.)
Mary Margaret: And I need one of the good walkies, not one of the short-range things you let Henry play with.
David: It's a short hike to the bluffs. We'll be gone less than an hour.
Mary Margaret: With no cell reception! I want to be sure Belle can reach us.
David: Or you're looking for a way out of this. We are going on this hike.
Mary Margaret: Yes! And we shall be reachable.
David: This will do it. I'll call Belle. Let her know where to find our walkie at home. Now she'll be able to reach us on our drive, our hike... If we fall through a portal to Asgard wherever we are.
Mary Margaret: My hero.
David: Hmm. Hang on.
Mary Margaret: What is it?
David: You know that thief I told you about? The one who ran from the ice-cream shop?
Mary Margaret: Will Scarlet.
David: Looks like he managed a jail break. Come on. Let's go.
Mary Margaret: Wait. Oh, you mean right now?
David: Oh, come on. It'll be like old times. A prince and a princess on an adventure, but without the evil queen on our trail.
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Regina is walking into the woods.)
Regina: I'm walking due north. Now what?
Sidney: Head past the toll bridge, then go east. The Snow Queen isn't far.
(Regina hears a noise, it's Emma.)
Emma: Regina.
Regina: What are you doing here?
Emma: Elsa disappeared on me. I think she went to go confront the Snow Queen on her own. Afraid she's in trouble. How about you? Nature walks your new thing?
Regina: I intend to force the Snow Queen's hand, make her reverse the damage she's inflicted on Marian.
Emma: How do you even know where she is?
Regina: Explaining my magic to a beginner is a waste of my time. She's east of the toll bridge.
Emma: Well, I think we should stick together, then. My best shot at finding Elsa is to go in the direction of the Snow Queen. You don't mind the company, do you?
Regina: Does it matter if I mind? If I say no, you'll just come anyway.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Hopkins, Minnesota - 1998 ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Emma and Lily are sitting on grace in a park. They are eating.)
Emma: Mm!
Lily: That sandwich isn't going anywhere, you know.
Emma: Sorry. It's just that where I come from, if you don't eat fast, the big kids would swipe things off your plate.
Lily: Was that around here?
Emma: Boston. Snuck out in the middle of the night and hopped a bus.
Lily: Why did you leave?
Emma: This little girl from my home, Cecilia, got adopted. I watched her get in this station wagon with this perfect-looking couple. That's when I realized... No one was ever gonna look at me the way those parents looked at her. I'm too old. I missed my chance. There was no point in me staying another day if I was just gonna keep feeling...
Lily: Invisible? I know what it's like to live someplace where it feels like no one cares about you, let alone understands you.
Emma: Were you in a home, too? That guy chasing you... Is he from social services? Is he trying to take you back?
Lily: Yeah.
Emma: What are you gonna do?
Lily: See those houses over there? People use them in the summer. But now that it's fall, they'll be empty. I figured I'll pick the nicest one and I'll crash there for a while. Here's an idea. Come with me.
Emma: Really?
Lily: Why not? We'd be better off if we stuck together.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Storybrooke ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Elsa is running into the woods. She is looking for her sister.)
Elsa: Anna! Anna!
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Elsa arrives in a front of a cliff. Elsa sees her sister on the other side.)
Anna: Elsa!
Elsa: Don't move! I'll be right there!
(Elsa uses her powers to build a bridge)
Anna: Help! Please!
[SCENE_BREAK]
(David and Mary Margaret are walking near the beach.)
Mary Margaret: I should be home with Neal, not chasing after some thief.
David: Let's just give it a little while longer.
Mary Margaret: We've been out for an hour! That's longer than I've been away from the baby since he was born. David, I think that's a pretty good start.
David: All right, all right. You're right. You head home... And I'll deal with this.
(David leaves on his side. Mary Margaret hears someone digging in the sand.)
Mary Margaret: Oh, I'm probably wrong. Oh, no, I'm not.
(Mary Margaret goes to see Will Scarlet.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Regina and Emma are walking into the woods.)
Emma: Which way?
Regina: Right.
Emma: Is this a locator spell? Shouldn't we be following some, like, floaty object or something?
Regina: Oh, now you're a magic expert.
Emma: No, it's just, in the past, there was a...
Regina: There are many enchantments you have yet to be exposed to. If you bothered to study your craft, you'd know that.
Emma: I'm kind of learning as I go. It's not like there's a lot of online classes on this kind of thing. But when you helped me, I seemed to learn pretty fast.
Regina: I don't have time for lessons.
Emma: I know. I know you're busy. And so you know, I think it's admirable, what you're doing. Helping the wife of the man you love.
Regina: So I've impressed you? Well it makes it all worthwhile then, doesn't it?
Emma: Why are you doing that? I was just trying to give you credit. I'm trying to be nice.
Regina: And then what? Complimenting my outfits? Giving me a makeover? Braiding my hair? Calling Robin Hood and hanging up? You're trying to win me over so I can assuage your guilt intentionally or not, Ms. Swan, you brought Marian back. You ruined my life. And there is no coming back from that. Because I know you think you didn't mean to, but you hurt someone. So do as I do... Learn to live with it. Welcome to my world.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Hopkins, Minnesota - 1998 ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Lily breaks a window and opens a door. Emma and she enter.)
Lily: Not too shabby, huh?
(Lily and Emma are playing video games.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
Lily: I'm gonna beat you!
Emma: No! No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Lily: Yes! Yes! Yes!
Emma: No! Game over.
Lily: Yes! Yes! Yes!
Emma: Aw.
Lily: Yes.
Emma: Oh, I suck at this!
Lily: Haven't you ever played before?
Emma: No. I've never lived in a place that could afford one of these.
Lily: You'll get the hang of it. You hungry?
Emma: Whoa. What happened?
Lily: Oh, I... I don't know. I've had this since I can remember. I like to pretend it's some kind of symbol, like Harry Potter or something.
Emma: Like you're one-of-a-kind, like you're special.
Lily: I know it's stupid.
Emma: No, it's not.
Lily: Okay.
(Lily draws a star on Emma's wrist.)
Lily: Then you are special, too.
Emma: Thanks. Hey! Check this out!
(Emma takes a video camera. Emma)
Lily: Let's promise to stay friends, okay? No matter what, there won't be anything we can't come back from.
Emma: Okay. Yeah. Promise.
Lily: For real?
Emma: For real.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Storybrooke ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Elsa is still looking for her sister.)
Elsa: Anna! Anna!
Anna: Elsa!
(Elsa finds Anna on snow. She hugs her.)
Elsa: I was so worried I'd never find you.
The Snow Queen: But I'm so glad you did.
Elsa: You stay away from us. It's okay, Anna. I won't let her hurt you.
(The Snow Queen turns Anna into ice the she disappears then she traps Elsa.)
Elsa: Where's Anna? What did you do?
The Snow Queen: I'm sorry for all the theater, but she was never really here, sweetheart. An icy illusion because... I needed you.
Elsa: For what?
The Snow Queen: Look at yourself. So much fear. Imagine what you could do if you only learned to control it. You had a chance to do so once, but... You squandered it. Fortunately for me, the more frightened you are, the stronger those chains will hold. And that's all I need for now... You out of my way. I would tell you that everything is going to be fine, that I won't hurt you, but your worry, your fear, are exactly what's needed right now.
Elsa: What are you gonna do?
The Snow Queen: I'm going to build a snowman.
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Will digs on the beach.)
Will: Bollocks. Where the bloody hell is it?
Mary Margaret: Looking for something?
Will: Not really your concern, is it, lady?
Mary Margaret: Maybe you should have made a map for whatever it is you're looking for.
Will: I did make a map, thank you very much.
Mary Margaret: Did you lose it?
Will: No, I didn't lose me map. It's in me travelling sack, safe and sound.
Mary Margaret: But you're not "travelling" because you buried your sack and the map.
Will: Yes. Okay. I buried the map to find the sack in the sack I'm trying to find. I screwed up. Happens to the best of us.
Mary Margaret: Not really.
Will: Well, it happens to the best of us when we have a touch too much to drink.
Mary Margaret: That I buy.
Will: What's it to you, anyway? It's not like you're the sheriff.
Mary Margaret: Oh, no, but... I am the sheriff's wife.
Will: You're married to the blonde?
Mary Margaret: That's my daughter. Other sheriff.
Will: What now?
Mary Margaret: You know, in your mug shot, you looked taller... And smarter.
Will: Did the sheriff's wife just call me short and dumb?
Mary Margaret: I mean, you're not even gonna try to run, are you?
Will: No. Consider yourself lucky that I'm too knackered.
Mary Margaret: You didn't break out of jail.
Will: I didn't?
Mary Margaret: My husband let you go. So I would have a little victory. Do a little tracking, put a criminal back behind bars, feel good about myself. I bet that you didn't even do anything very serious.
Will: I got drunk and broke into a library.
Mary Margaret: Oh! A boozy bookworm! Oh, this is David. This is so David. Well... You can admit it. This whole thing is an elaborate hoax.
Will: What if I did admit it?
Mary Margaret: I'll pardon you.
Will: Right... so I'm supposed to believe that the sheriff's wife can give me my freedom.
Mary Margaret: I'm also the mayor.
Will: He did it.
Mary Margaret: I knew it!
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Emma and Regina find Elsa's ice bridge.)
Emma: Looks like Elsa was here.
Regina: Thanks, Ms. Swan. Please continue to point out the obvious.
Emma: Then obviously we're not gonna step on it till we know it's safe.
Regina: It's safe.
Emma: Hey!
Regina: You were saying?
Emma: I don't know why I even bother.
Regina: Well, that makes two of us. Now hurry up. I'd like to get to that snow queen before it's actually winter.
(The wind blows.)
Emma: Something's not right.
Regina: Maybe your sparkly, blue-dressed friend is closer than you think.
Emma: No. This is not Elsa.
(The wind blows stronger and stronger. The bridge shivers)
Emma: Oh! It's the snow queen! She found us!
Regina: Sidney.
Emma: Sidney? What does Sidney have to do with any of this? Regina! Talk to me! What aren't you telling me?
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Hopkins, Minnesota - 1998 ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Emma and Lily are sleeping. Emma hears a noise ant wakes up.)
Emma: Hey! Hey! Hey! There's someone in the house. We need to go.
The man: Lilith?
(Emma takes a candlestick.)
Emma: Run. I got this. Stay away. You're not taking us anywhere. We're not going back into the system.
The man: Sweetheart, what nonsense you been telling this girl?
Emma: What's going on? Who is this? Lily?
The man: Honey, tell her the truth. I'm your father. And you're coming home with me. Your mother is worried sick.
Emma: Your father? You have a family? I thought you were like me.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Storybrooke ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
(On the ice bridge.)
Emma: You lied to me. You said you didn't have a clue where Sidney was! He was in your mirror this whole time?!
Regina: Maybe I did. So what? I don't have to tell you everything I'm doing.
Sidney: Nor do I, your majesty.
Regina: You led us here. You're working for the Snow Queen?! Traitor!
Sidney: I'm the traitor? I think your majesty should take a look in the mirror. And as you contemplate what you've done, know that she has a present for you that I'd say is well-deserved.
Regina: Sidney!
Emma: Regina?
Regina: Save your moral judgment.
Regina: Look!
(The ice bridge is collapsing. Emma and Regina run to the other side.)
Emma: Jump!
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Elsa tries to free herself.)
Elsa: I'm not afraid. I'm not afraid.
(She succeeds.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Into the wood.)
Emma: You okay? Regina?
Regina: I think we have a bigger problem.
(There is warrior snowman on their way to Elsa.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Hopkins, Minnesota - 1998 ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Emma is looking at the cops. Lily is in her father's car.)
Lily: Emma! Emma. Emma. Don't worry about my dad. He's just pissed I used his visa. When this blows over, come find me. We can run away together.
Emma: You tricked me.
Lily: I'm sorry. I know I lied about my family, but everything else I said is true. I hate my home. I feel invisible there. I'm just like you. I am! I was an orphan. It's just they adopted me. But it's not my home. You promised. Friends forever, no matter what.
(Emma leaves. She erases the star on her wrist.)
Lily: Emma! Emma!
(Emma gets on the social service's car.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Storybrooke ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Emma and Regina are under attack. Emma goes on her side and Regina attacks the snowman with a fireball then Emma uses her magic to pull it away. The arm of the snowman is destroyed but it comes back.)
Emma: Oh, that's a problem.
Regina: Not helpful.
Emma: Try again... Together.
(Regina and Emma combines their powers to destroy the snowman. They make it melt.)
Emma: I think we did it.
(The Snow Queen appears.)
The Snow Queen: What a welcome visit, ladies. Thank you for bringing me what I needed.
(The Snow Queen steal Regina's mirror.)
Regina: Give me back my mirror, you...
The Snow Queen: No.
(The Snow Queen strangles Regina.)
Emma: Hey, stop!
(Then she strangles Emma.)
The Snow Queen: Don't...
(Elsa rescues them.)
Elsa: You want a fight? Fight me.
The Snow Queen: Well done, Elsa. You're losing your fear. There's hope for you yet.
Regina: Let's just finish this now.
The Snow Queen: No need. I have what I want.
(The Snow Queen disappears.)
Elsa: Are you both okay?
Emma: We are now. Thank you. Why didn't you tell me about Sidney?
Regina: Because, despite what you wish, we're not partners. I didn't ask you to tag along.
Emma: Well, I did. And if you had told me, maybe you would have saved us some trouble.
Regina: Okay, tell you what? That I threw Sidney in a mirror to help me kill Marian, but then I changed my mind? What's the point? You never would have believed me. I know you too well, Swan. Stop trying to get me to forgive you because it will never happen.
Elsa: Stop it. You two need to mend your differences. Otherwise Storybrooke doesn't stand a chance.
Regina: We never will. For one simple reason... I don't want to.
(Regina disappears.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
(In the Snow Queen's ice cave.)
The Snow Queen: You're free. As promised.
Sidney: Thank you. Now, what is it you wish me to do first, my queen?
The Snow Queen: I wish nothing from you.
Sidney: I don't understand. The deal was...
The Snow Queen: It wasn't you that I wanted, Sidney. It was the mirror itself. You more than anyone should understand a mirror's importance. Mirrors reflect our... Mood, our desire, our essence. They are a temporary receptacle for some... Tiny fraction of our soul.
Sidney: Well, you... You have other mirrors.
The Snow Queen: I have many... Hundreds. But none as important as this one. For what I want to do, your former home should do quite nicely. The person who trapped you in here imbued it with much dark magic.
Sidney: My queen, what are you planning?
The Snow Queen: What I'm planning is to get what has been denied to me for too long... What I deserve.
Sidney: And what's that?
The Snow Queen: That's between me and... Well, my reflection. Enjoy your freedom, Sidney. A word of advice. Get a warm coat. It's going to get a bit cooler around here.
(Sidney leaves. The Snow Queen breaks Regina's mirror. She makes appear a big mirror.)
The Snow Queen: So close. Soon I will have what I want.
(She puts a piece of Regina's mirror on the breaking glass. The mirror is restored.)
The Snow Queen: A family that loves me.
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Emma and Elsa are walking into the woods.)
Elsa: I'm sorry I took off. The Snow Queen tricked me. She made it seem like Anna was here. I thought I was chasing her.
Emma: I get it. I'd do the same thing.
Elsa: So why did you let Regina just walk away?
Emma: You heard her. She wants nothing to do with me.
Elsa: Maybe you shouldn't give up on her so soon.
Emma: It's like I said, once you screw someone over, there's no going back.
Elsa: I don't believe that. If there's one thing my sister taught me, you don't give up on people. If someone's important to you, don't give up on them. Even if they say hurtful things or send a giant snow monster to chase you away.
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Emma joins Regina at her vault.)
Regina: What do I have to do to get you to leave me alone, Swan? Go away.
Emma: I'm an idiot.
Regina: Finally, something we can agree on.
Emma: I'm an idiot because I've been down this road before.
Regina: Irritating me? Yes, you have.
Emma: No, when I was a kid. Someone came into my life for a while, and I thought we were gonna be... Best friends. But this girl lied to me, and I pushed her away because of that lie, and she asked me to forgive her, but I never did. It took some time, but I realized that was a mistake. And I regretted the decision. But by then, it was too late. The damage was already done. I don't want to make the same mistake again, Regina. Living in Storybrooke, I've got my son and my parents, and I love them. But they can't always understand me. They don't know what it feels like to be rejected and misunderstood... Not the way I do, not the way you do. And somehow that makes us... I don't know... Unique, or maybe even special. I wasn't looking for you to assuage my guilt. I was just looking for you to be my friend.
Regina: You thought we were friends?
Emma: Crazy, right? But I thought it could be, that it was possible. I'm not gonna stop trying. Even if you still want to kill me.
Regina: Emma, wait. I don't want to kill you.
Emma: See? That's a start.
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Mary Margaret is lying on her bed she looks after Neal. David comes back.)
David: Hey.
(She kisses David.)
Mary Margaret: I love you.
David: Oh, I love you, too. How's Neal? He survive an hour with Belle?
Mary Margaret: She was wonderful. Took great care of him. I caught the thief.
David: What?
Mary Margaret: Will Scarlet. I tracked him down.
David: That's amazing. W-well, where is he? Back in his cell?
Mary Margaret: Eh, I pardoned him.
David: Wait. What? It's okay.
Mary Margaret: He admitted the whole thing. He told me about how you let him escape so I could track him.
David: H-h-he told you that?
Mary Margaret: Don't be mad. He tried to keep your secret. But really, he's a terrible liar. Not to mention, I am familiar with your tricks. Your plan worked. I feel more like myself again. What's so funny?
David: Yeah, no, Mary Margaret. I couldn't be happier that you enjoyed yourself today, but I had nothing to do with it.
Mary Margaret: No, of course you did. I mean, the way...
David: Mnh-mnh.
Mary Margaret: He really did escape?
David: Yeah. And you really pardoned him.
Mary Margaret: Well, what do we do now?
David: Uh, hope he doesn't pass out in another library? Look, if the outcome of his escape is that you found a part of yourself again... I'd say he earned that pardon.
(They kiss.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Emma is in her office. She looks sad. She takes a box. Hook enters.)
Hook: Hello, love. You seem vexed... Like you could use a drink.
Emma: That's putting it lightly.
Hook: What's that?
Emma: What's left of my childhood.
Hook: May I have the honour?
(Emma gives Hook a little box.)
Hook: Are you okay?
Emma: I think so.
(He opens it and starts to search in it. He finds her glasses, a ring and a picture of her and Neal. Emma takes her baby blanket then finds the video camera.)
Hook: Swan?
(She leaves her office. Hook follows her.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Emma puts the tapes in the VCR.)
Emma: I haven't watched this since I recorded it, but some things happened today, made me think about the past.
Hook: Reflective today, are we? Hey. Show me. I'd love to know more about your beginnings.
(She starts the video of her and Lily.)
Hook: Who's that lass?
Emma: Just an old friend.
(The video continues and they see images from a foster home.)
Kevin: Hey, look what the new girl brought with her!
Hook: Where is that?
Emma: I... I don't really remember. Maybe my next foster home?
Hook: Blocked it out? Unpleasant time?
Emma: I guess.
Hook: Who's that? Another friend?
Emma: I don't remember any of this.
The Snow Queen: Give it back, Kevin. The camera is Emma's, not yours.
Hook: Bloody hell. Is that...?
(The Snow Queen is on the video.)
The Snow Queen: We respect property in this house, Emma.
Emma: Yeah. | Plan: A: Emma; Q: Who has flashbacks of running away as a teenager? A: Regina; Q: Who is Emma forced to team up with? A: a trap; Q: What does Ingrid lead Emma and Regina into? A: an ice warrior; Q: What does Ingrid conjure up to stop Emma and Regina? A: Anna; Q: Who does Ingrid use to lure Elsa into chains? A: three; Q: How many ladies fight back against Ingrid? A: her fear; Q: What did Elsa overcome to destroy the chains? A: their powers; Q: What do Emma and Regina combine to destroy the ice warrior? A: Sidney; Q: Who does the Snow Queen acquire the services of? A: the magic mirror; Q: What does the Snow Queen take possession of? A: Mary Margaret; Q: Who leaves Neal with Belle? A: time; Q: What does Mary Margaret leave Neal with Belle to spend with David? A: jail; Q: Where did Will escape from? A: videotape evidence; Q: What does Emma find that proves Ingrid is her foster mother? A: Sarah Fisher; Q: What is Ingrid's Storybrooke alias? Summary: Emma and Regina are forced to team up when Ingrid, the Snow Queen, leads them and Elsa into a trap. Ingrid conjures up an ice warrior to stop Regina and Emma, and uses an illusion of Anna to lure Elsa into chains, keeping her out of the way. The three ladies fight back, with Elsa overcoming her fear and destroying the chains, and Emma and Regina combining their powers to destroy the ice warrior. The Snow Queen acquires the services of Sidney and takes possession of the magic mirror. Meanwhile, Mary Margaret leaves Neal with Belle as she and David spend time together, only to be interrupted by Will escaping jail, who Mary Margaret later pardons. Emma has flashbacks of running away as a teenager, and finds videotape evidence that Ingrid (Storybrooke alias Sarah Fisher) is her foster mother. |
PYRAMIDS OF MARS
BY: "STEPHEN HARRIS" (ROBERT HOLMES AND LEWIS GREIFER)
Part Two
Running time: 23:53
[SCENE_BREAK]
LAURENCE: Marcus!
DOCTOR: Shush.
[SCENE_BREAK]
SCARMAN: Take up the generator loops.
SCARMAN: Place them in position at the compass points. Activate at ground strength.
[SCENE_BREAK]
DOCTOR: Quick, hide.
SARAH: Where have they gone?
DOCTOR: To set up a deflection field around the house. He's obviously planned every step.
LAURENCE: Who, Marcus?
DOCTOR: No, Sutekh.
[SCENE_BREAK]
DOCTOR: Sutekh is breaking free from his ancient bonds. If he succeeds, he'll destroy the whole world.
SARAH: You mean Sutekh is still alive?
DOCTOR: He destroyed his own planet, Phaester Osiris, and left a trail of havoc across half the galaxy. Horus and the rest of the Osirans must have finally cornered him on Earth.
SARAH: In Egypt?
DOCTOR: The wars of the gods entered into mythology. The whole of Egyptian culture is founded upon the Osiran pattern.
LAURENCE: I'm afraid this is beyond me.
SARAH: It's beyond me, too.
DOCTOR: Ah! Found it.
SARAH: What?
DOCTOR: The lodestone that drew the TARDIS off course.
LAURENCE: That's not a lodestone, that's just a sarcophagus.
DOCTOR: No, it isn't. It's the entrance to a time-space tunnel.
SARAH: Leading where?
DOCTOR: To Sutekh. (The Doctor activates a cartouche on the case and it starts to do its multicoloured effect.
SARAH: Doctor!
DOCTOR: Keep back!
[SCENE_BREAK]
SARAH: Doctor! Doctor, come on. Wake up, please.
LAURENCE: It's no good. He took the full force of the blast.
SARAH: They're bound to come back soon. We're trapped! Where are you going?
LAURENCE: There's a priest hole here somewhere. Marcus and I discovered it when we were boys.
LAURENCE: There. It isn't very large, I'm afraid.
SARAH: No, well, he is though, so come and give me a hand.
[SCENE_BREAK]
CLEMENTS: Holy Moses.
[SCENE_BREAK]
WARLOCK: Is that you, Laurence?
WARLOCK: Marcus! Marcus, my dear fellow, you're back.
SCARMAN: Why are you here?
WARLOCK: Huh? What's the matter? For goodness sakes, old chap, don't you recognise me?
SCARMAN: Warlock.
WARLOCK: That's right. We've all been dreadfully worried about you.
SCARMAN: I came to find the other Scarman.
WARLOCK: The other? You mean your brother, Laurence?
SCARMAN: The human.
WARLOCK: Look here, old chap. If this is some kind of macabre joke?
SCARMAN: Where is the other Scarman, Warlock?
WARLOCK: Laurence went up to the house. That Egyptian servant of yours took a potshot at me! Laurence and the Doctor and some very plucky young girl went off to deal with the brute. They've been gone a devil of a time, mind you. I hope nothing's amiss.
SCARMAN: Who is the Doctor?
WARLOCK: One of Laurence's friends, I imagine. Some sort of scientist.
SCARMAN: Why does he interfere?
WARLOCK: Interfere? Now look here, Marcus
SCARMAN: All humans inside the deflection barrier will be destroyed.
WARLOCK: For heaven's sake, Marcus, what's wrong with you?
SCARMAN: Destroy this human.
WARLOCK: No, no, no! Laurence! Laurence! No!
[SCENE_BREAK]
CLEMENTS: Murdering swine.
[SCENE_BREAK]
SARAH: He's coming round.
DOCTOR: A parallax coil.
LAURENCE: What?
DOCTOR: I never expected that. A simple trap. Blew up in my face. Clever.
LAURENCE: He's delirious.
SARAH: No, shush.
DOCTOR: Never underestimate Sutekh. Thinks of everything.
DOCTOR: Where are we?
SARAH: Hiding.
DOCTOR: Where?
LAURENCE: A priest hole.
DOCTOR: In a Victorian gothic folly? Nonsense.
SARAH: You're so pedantic at a time like this. Does it matter?
DOCTOR: If only I knew the exact physical location of Sutekh. Where was your brother's expedition bound?
LAURENCE: Saqqara, I think. He wrote to say he'd discovered a blind pyramid in that region and believed it contained a mastaba.
SARAH: What?
LAURENCE: An underground burial chamber.
DOCTOR: Saqqara. Too vague, yet it might be our only chance.
SARAH: To do what?
DOCTOR: Sutekh is controlling operations here by mental force. With the equipment at the lodge, I could transmit a jamming signal.
SARAH: And block his power?
DOCTOR: With an etheric impulse projected along precisely the right axis, yes. Otherwise
SARAH: No good.
DOCTOR: The Egyptian's ring!
LAURENCE: What?
DOCTOR: It's a slave relay. Calculating the reverse polarisation should be child's play. Why didn't I think of it?
SARAH: Shush. Listen.
[SCENE_BREAK]
SCARMAN: Remove this carcass. (sniffs) There are other humans within these walls. Seek and kill them.
[SCENE_BREAK]
SARAH: He's coming over.
LAURENCE: Marcus!
[SCENE_BREAK]
CLEMENTS: Professor Scarman!
SCARMAN: Seek and kill.
DOCTOR: All right, all clear.
LAURENCE: Where are we going?
DOCTOR: Shush. To find that Egyptian.
[SCENE_BREAK]
SARAH: We can't search the whole priory. There's no need to. Look.
[SCENE_BREAK]
SCARMAN: Follow me.
SARAH: What do you think they're doing?
DOCTOR: I'm not sure yet.
LAURENCE: This is exceedingly interesting, Doctor. It appears to be some kind of machinery.
DOCTOR: You're right. Yes, that's resonating tuner. Part of an anti-gravity drive. Oh! They must be building a rocket.
SARAH: Egyptian mummies building rockets? That's crazy.
DOCTOR: They're not mummies, they're service robots.
SARAH: Huh?
DOCTOR: Machines.
SARAH: Machines? All right then, why are machines building rockets?
DOCTOR: So that Sutekh can escape from the power of Horus.
SARAH: Where's Sutekh now?
DOCTOR: Exactly where Horus left him seven thousand years ago. Trapped beneath a pyramid and powerless to move.
[SCENE_BREAK]
LAURENCE: Great heavens! This is unbelievable. Totally unbelievable!
DOCTOR: You're going to say it transcends all the normal laws of physics.
LAURENCE: I am, yes. I mean, it does. It's preposterous!
DOCTOR: Isn't it. I often think dimensional transcendentalism is preposterous, but it works. Would you like to look around?
LAURENCE: May I?
DOCTOR: Please.
SARAH: Well now we are here, why don't you tune up 1980 and we can, well, leave.
DOCTOR: I can't.
SARAH: Ah. Why can't you?
DOCTOR: Because if Sutekh isn't stopped, he'll destroy the world.
SARAH: But he didn't, did he. I mean, we know the world didn't end in 1911.
DOCTOR: Do we?
SARAH: Yes, of course we do!
DOCTOR: All right. If we leave now, let's see what the world will look like in 1980.
LAURENCE: I say, this is like something by that novelist chap, Mister Wells.
DOCTOR: 1980, Sarah, if you want to get off.
SARAH: It's a trick!
DOCTOR: No. That's the world as Sutekh would leave it. A desolate planet circling a dead sun.
SARAH: It can't be! I'm from 1980.
DOCTOR: Every point in time has its alternative, Sarah. You've looked into alternative time.
LAURENCE: Fascinating. Do you mean the future can be chosen, Doctor?
DOCTOR: Not chosen, shaped. The actions of the present fashion the future.
LAURENCE: So a man can change the course of history?
DOCTOR: To a small extent. It takes a being of Sutekh's almost limitless power to destroy the future. Well?
SARAH: We've got to go back.
DOCTOR: Yes.
DOCTOR: Keep below the level of the window.
[SCENE_BREAK]
SCARMAN: Three humans within the deflection barrier have been destroyed. There are others.
SUTEKH (OOV.): Eliminate them.
SCARMAN: The servicers are searching for them, but assembly of the rocket is being delayed.
SUTEKH (OOV.): Destruction of the humans must not be allowed to delay the completion of the missile. That is of paramount importance.
SCARMAN: Your orders will be executed, Sutekh. I will recall two of the servicers to the rocket assembly.
[SCENE_BREAK]
LAURENCE: I can't believe that my brother. He and Doctor Warlock were the closest of friends.
DOCTOR: Well, if you can stop thinking of him as your brother it'll make it a great deal easier for you.
LAURENCE: But he is my brother!
DOCTOR: From the moment he entered Sutekh's tomb he became subject to Sutekh's will.
LAURENCE: What does that mean?
DOCTOR: As a human being, Marcus Scarman no longer exists. He is simply the embodiment of Sutekh's power. He's given the paralysed Sutekh arms and legs, a means to escape.
SARAH: If Sutekh is so totally evil, why didn't Horus and the other Osirans destroy him?
DOCTOR: It's against their code. To have killed him would have meant that they were no better than he, so they simply imprisoned him.
SARAH: How?
DOCTOR: A forcefield, controlled from a power source on Mars.
LAURENCE: Mars?
DOCTOR: Yes. That's where the signal was beamed from, remember?
LAURENCE: But how?
DOCTOR: When your brother stumbled into Sutekh's tomb, the monitoring system on Mars detected the fact and triggered off an alarm signal.
SARAH: The rocket those robots are building!
DOCTOR: Yes. Will be aimed at the power source on Mars. If those warheads reach their target, Sutekh will have released himself.
LAURENCE: To destroy the world.
DOCTOR: Not only this world. Anywhere that life is found. Right. All I need now is a magneto.
LAURENCE: A magneto. Of course.
SARAH: What are you going to do?
DOCTOR: If I can block the mental beam, Scarman will collapse.
SARAH: You mean die?
DOCTOR: Well, he's not alive now in any real sense. Only Sutekh animates him. Deprived of his outside contact, Sutekh'll be as powerless as the day Horus left him.
LAURENCE: Here you are, Doctor.
DOCTOR: Splendid.
LAURENCE: What was that?
DOCTOR: Quick, Sarah, switch on the power.
LAURENCE: No, no, you'll destroy my brother!
DOCTOR: Switch on!
[SCENE_BREAK]
SUTEKH: Stop them!
[SCENE_BREAK]
SARAH: Doctor! Doctor! | Plan: A: a way; Q: What do the Doctor, Sarah and Laurence try to find to sever Sutekh's link to the mummies? A: poacher Ernie Clements; Q: Who finds the priory surrounded by a forcefield? Summary: The Doctor, Sarah and Laurence try to find a way to sever Sutekh's link to the mummies while poacher Ernie Clements finds the priory surrounded by a forcefield. |
[Scene: Police station. Cole is sitting on the bench stuck in between a biker guy with about twelve earrings on his face, and two toothless, dirty homeless men. Cole isn't impressed. Darryl walks over to him.]
Cole: Is this the way you treat every driver with a busted headlight?
Darryl: No, just the ones without ID. Now, I convinced Lopez not to sight you. But no more driving without a license.
Cole: Am I free to go?
Darryl: Yeah.
Cole: Finally. (He stands up.)
Darryl: Finally?
Cole: I mean thanks.
Darryl: Finally? You think I need this? You see this assignment board? (He points to it.) It's full of cases. Open cases that I should be working on, instead I'm cleaning after your mess.
Cole: Hey, I don't like it either.
Darryl: It's bad enough I have to clean up after the suspects...
Cole: I'm just trying to fit in but I have no ID, no job.
(They talk over the top of each other.)
Darryl: Doesn't anyone ever say thank you?
Cole: I can't even go to the grocery store without even getting arrested.
Cole, Darryl: It just sucks!
(They stop and stare at each other.)
Cole: You good?
Darryl: Yeah.
Cole: Me too.
Darryl: Okay.
(Piper and Paige walk in and go over to Darryl and Cole.)
Piper: Oh my god, Cole. How's my car?
Cole: It's fine.
Piper: That was the first and last time you borrow my car. Got it? Good. Let's go.
[Cut to outside the police station. Piper, Paige and Cole walk outside.]
Cole: Being human was supposed to make my life easier, instead it's getting worse by the minute.
Piper: Yeah, I know the feeling.
Cole: I swear, Phoebe was closer to marrying me when I was a demon.
Piper: Well, to be honest, Cole, getting busted by the cops is not the best way to win her over.
Paige: Oh, Piper, gosh, I'm sure Cole already feels like a big enough loser. I know I would.
Cole: Well, thanks a lot.
(They hear a car screech near by.)
Piper: Oh god.
(They run across the road where a car has rolled over. It bursts into flames.)
Cole: It's about to explode.
(Piper freezes it.)
Piper: Come on. (Cole and Piper run over to the car. Paige just stands there. They try to open the door.) It's stuck. Paige! (Paige stands there in shock. Cole gets the car door open. Cole reaches in and pulls out a woman.) Careful. Hurry before anyone sees us. (They carry her over to where Paige is standing. The car unfreezes and blows up.) What happened to you? Paige!
(Paige stares at the burning car.)
Opening Credits
[Scene: Manor. Phoebe and Cole walk down the stairs.]
Phoebe: Cole, why are you being so vague? I only asked you where you were going.
Cole: And I told you, I'm going to get a life.
Phoebe: See, that's the vague part I'm talking about. (Cole puts on his coat.) The last time you left like this, you went out and got a gun.
Cole: I'm not getting a gun.
Phoebe: Okay, then, please, tell me what's wrong.
Cole: It's just, I need action.
Phoebe: I kinda thought we were doing okay in that department.
Cole: Not that kind of action, Phoebe. I went from all powerful demon to mereble overnight.
Phoebe: You are not mere. Baby, you are anything but mere.
Cole: Next to the Charmed Ones I'm a potted plant. But last night, pulling that woman out of the car felt so good.
Phoebe: Well, that's because you're a good man.
Cole: Well, I won't last long without a reason to get up in the morning.
Phoebe: You have me. I'm a reason.
Cole: That's all I have, Phoebe. (He kisses her on the cheek.) And I'm not even sure I have that.
[Cut to the kitchen. Piper and Leo are there making breakfast. Phoebe walks in.]
Phoebe: Am I the world's biggest bitch or what?
Piper: Nah, too easy.
Cole: Cole vanquished him demon half. He has given up everything he has ever known for me, and I can't even muster up a simple yes to marriage.
Leo: Well, you're not the marrying type.
Piper: So you keep telling yourself.
Phoebe: You think I am?
Piper: I think you're afraid.
Phoebe: Oh, of what?
Piper: Cole's humanity. He was actually a much safer boyfriend when he was a demon. Even though he could rip your throat out with his teeth.
Phoebe: Wanna explain that to me?
Leo: Well, on some level you knew it couldn't last. A demon and a witch. But now that Cole is a human, the safety net's gone and for the first time in your relationship, the future lies in your hands.
Phoebe: Yeah, okay, I don't wanna analyze me anymore, let's try somebody else. How's Paige feeling this morning?
Piper: No idea. She flew out the door this morning like nothing happened.
Phoebe: So we still don't know why she froze up?
Piper: Nope.
Phoebe: That is so weird. (Leo looks down into his coffee.) I mean, she can handle demons now, but she can't handle a car wreck?
Piper: Yeah, it doesn't make any sense.
(Phoebe clears her throat.)
Phoebe: Um, if you put your nose any deeper into that coffee cup, you're gonna need a snorkel. What do you know?
Leo: Paige told me something in confidence.
Piper: Okay, but it's kind of a dangerous time for us. If she freezes up again at the wrong moment, are you gonna be sorry you didn't tell us?
Leo: Paige's parents died in a car wreck.
Phoebe: Oh my god.
Piper: When did that happen?
Leo: About eight years ago when she was in high school. She never really dealt with it.
Piper: Of course not. How do you deal with something like that? Plus she was a teenager and all alone.
Phoebe: So maybe we can help her deal with it.
[Scene: South Bay Social Services. Paige is at her desk, talking on the phone.]
Paige: No, I'm not family, I'm from social services. I was just calling to see how she was after the accident. (listens) Thank god. Okay, I'll call back and check in on her. Thank you.
(Piper and Phoebe walk in and go over to Paige.)
Piper: Hi. Got a minute?
Paige: No, I'm busy, you guys.
(She gets up and heads for the copier room.)
Phoebe: Uh, we just wanna talk, it's kinda important.
(They follow her.)
Paige: Yeah, so is my work, maybe later.
Piper: Paige, it's about what happened last night.
Paige: Not right now.
Phoebe: Paige, we're your sisters.
Paige: I said not now!
(Everyone turns and looks. Paige storms into the copier room. Piper and Phoebe go after her.)
Phoebe: Paige. We know about your parents. We're worried about you and we want you to know that you're not alone.
Piper: And we're here for you.
Paige: Fine. But just not here, okay? I'll just tell my boss I have to leave. We'll talk at home.
(She walks out of the room.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Scene: Police station. Cole walks over to Darryl.]
Cole: Got a minute?
Darryl: Whatever it is, no. You see this assignment board?
Cole: Well, that's why I'm here. If you've got such a heavy case load, let me help you.
Darryl: Oh, you wanna help?
Cole: Yeah.
Darryl: Great, well, you can help me by following that little exit sign. (He tries to drag Cole out of the door. Cole pushes Darryl into an office and shuts the door.) That's it! Do you wanna fight? Because without the ability to throw energy balls, I think I can take you!
Cole: Just relax, alright. I need to get back in the game.
Darryl: What game?
Cole: The good versus evil game, it's all I know.
Darryl: Oh, wow. You wanna be a cop?
Cole: I worked for the DA's office, I know the law, I'm a former demon, I know the streets.
Darryl: You wanna be a cop.
Cole: I wanna help with your investigations.
Darryl: As a cop?
Cole: On my own. Of course the DA inspectors are still after me but you could close that case, clear my name, get my identity back.
Darryl: No, no, no, no! Now you're talking crazy.
Cole: No, what's crazy is me sitting around the manor all day with nothing to do. All I got in my head, all I could do with it going to waste, now that's crazy.
(A man walks in.)
Darryl: Captain.
Captain: Mind if I get my office back?
Darryl: No, sorry about that. (to Cole) We'll talk about this later.
Cole: Excuse me. (Cole leaves the room.)
[Scene: Manor. Living room. Piper, Phoebe, Paige and Leo are there.]
Paige: So I wasn't the ideal high school student, you know. I, um, skipped classes, partied all night with my friends. Pretty much anything they wanted to do I was up for.
Piper: Hm, sounds like somebody else I know. (Phoebe gives her a look.) What I mean to say is that high school is a time of searching and figuring out who you are for everybody.
Paige: Yeah, but I was cruel. Especially to my mum and dad. The day they died I told them they weren't my real parents. Which is stupid because it wasn't even how I felt. I mean, just because I'm adopted it didn't mean they weren't my real parents, because they were.
Phoebe: Well, you were just feeling lost and you made a mistake. I made so many mistakes, you know, but I got through them. I changed and so have you.
Paige: Not in time.
Leo: What do you mean?
Paige: It was, um, family night. Just something we did every week. And my dad left the firestation early, to pick up my mum and I.
Phoebe: Your dad was a fireman?
Paige: Yeah. And I started bitching, I was too old for this and I was super lame. (She starts to cry.) He was so angry with me. He-he didn't, he didn't see the car that swerved into our lane, and the next thing I know I'm on the pavement, the car's on fire. I still don't know why I survived and they didn't.
Phoebe: But you can't blame yourself for that.
Paige: Well, I feel guilty every single day.
Piper: I know it-it's hard but you gotta try and move forward.
Paige: How can I move forward, Piper? I killed my parents.
(She cries. Phoebe hugs her.)
Piper: (to Leo) What do we do? How can we help her deal with something that happened in the past?
Leo: Send her back to it.
[Time lapse. Attic. Piper, Phoebe, Paige and Leo are there. Phoebe lights some candles.]
Phoebe: Okay, wait, so I don't get it. You wanna summon the ghost from the past? From where, the fiction shelf?
Leo: Dickens didn't make that stuff up. He was visited by a malevolent spirit.
Paige: Doesn't malevolent mean bad?
Leo: Clyde's not the friendliest ghost that I know but he is the only one who helps the living visit their past.
Piper: Clyde. The malevolent spirit's name is Clyde?
Leo: Yeah, he doesn't like it either.
Paige: Wait, we're using bad magic to time travel? Should I be worried about any of those personal gain issues?
Leo: Not at all. You're only going back to learn why your parents died, that's all. Everyone ready?
Piper: Don't we need a summoning spell?
Leo: No, Clyde ignores them. There's only one way to get Clyde down here. (angrily) Clyde! Get your butt down here you fetid worm from the bog of eternal stench! (to the girls) You gotta make him mad. (angrily) Your mother was a chunky substance from a gin cesspool. And she smelled bad too!
(Suddenly, a gust of wind appears and flies over the attic. It turns into Clyde. He looks angry.)
Clyde: Leo! I was with a client! 1969, Woodstock, Hendricks was on stage. This better be good.
Leo: I need you to take Paige here back to the day of her greatest pain.
Clyde: A job? Why didn't you say so in the first place?
Leo: Not a job. A favour.
Clyde: I don't do charity work.
Leo: You owe me, Clyde. Or do I need to remind you of your client that I healed? The one you returned from the past, on the edge of a cliff! I believe there were thirty two broken bones.
Clyde: Alright, alright, I remember. (He turns to Paige.) Are you sure you wanna do this? I only open the door to your past, so don't guarantee no safe trip.
Piper: Obviously.
Paige: Yeah. I need to do this.
Clyde: Fine. (to Leo) You guide her.
(Clyde clicks his fingers and a door appears in the middle of the room.)
Leo: I won't be able to hear your call. You guys will be on your own.
Piper: We'll be okay, just take care of Paige.
(Clyde opens the door.)
Leo: Just don't look down.
(Paige goes through the door. Leo follows.)
Clyde: How's about you two? Care for a little trip to the past? (Two cloud-like objects escape out of the door.) See it all a second time. my rates are steep but fair.
Phoebe: Can you take us back to meet John Lennon?
Piper: No!
Phoebe: No, no, right. We'll pass.
Clyde: Suit yourself. (He closes the door, then clicks his fingers and the door disappears.) If you ever need my services just yell.
(He clicks his fingers and disappears.)
Phoebe: We need to be here when Paige gets back.
Piper: Yeah, I'll cook dinner and we can just hand out for a while. I hope this plan works.
(Piper leaves the attic. One of the cloud-like creatures float down and goes inside Phoebe, possessing her.)
Phoebe: (in a country accent) So do I. (to the other creature) Don't worry, Frankie. I'll find you a body too.
[Scene: The past. Paige's old bedroom. The door appears and Paige and Leo fall out of it. It disappears.]
Leo: Rough ride. Are you okay?
(Paige stands up. She is a teenager again.)
Paige: Yeah. I'm alright. I'm all... (She looks in the mirror.) Wrong! Oh my god! I'm so screwed, I'm supposed to come back as a ghost, not a ghost with... braces?
Leo: You're meant to relive the experience not observe it, Paige.
Paige: Yeah, but I just wanted to come back and sit on the sidelines and make sarcastic comments about my lack of style.
Leo: Just take a look around, Paige.
(Paige looks around her room and sees all her old posters on the wall, and all her items on the shelves.)
Paige: Hey, you're right, I was cool, even then. (She picks up a necklace.) Oh, Philip Lewicky gave this to me. My first love. Can I call him?
Leo: That's not why we're here.
(There's a knock at the door. Paige panics.)
Paige: What do I do?
Leo: Open the door.
(Paige opens the door. Her dad stands there.)
Paige: Dad.
Mr. Matthews: Ready for school? You don't wanna miss your ride. (Paige hugs him.) What's with all this... Is that smoke? Are you smoking in here? (He goes over to the window sill and puts out a cigarette.) You know, I don't know how much more of this your mother and I can take.
(He leaves her room.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Scene: The past. Paige's house. She goes down the stairs. Leo follows.]
Leo: Wait, wait, where are you going?
Paige: To talk to my dad. Did you see the look in his eyes? I can't believe I hurt him like that.
Leo: Rules first. Define what you came here for. You need to follow the same path you took eight years ago.
Paige: What if I don't remember?
Leo: I'll guide you. You're the only one that can see me. Just don't forget the goal. You're here to learn what really happened the night your parents died.
Paige: I understand. Thank you, Leo. Step aside.
(She heads for the kitchen but stops when she hears her parents talking.)
Mr. Matthews: She's smoking again. This time in her bedroom. And when I went in, she had the nerve to give me this big hug, like I wouldn't be mad.
Mrs. Matthews: She told me she'd quit smoking.
Mr. Matthews: Oh, yeah, right, just like the time she quit drinking. She passes out at another one of those parties and I had to go pick her up and bring her home.
Mrs. Matthews: School called yesterday, you know, she's been cutting her classes again.
Mr. Matthews: She's not gonna get into college if she keeps this up.
Mrs. Matthews: Oh, well, haven't you heard? She's not going to college.
Mr. Matthews: We'll see about that.
Paige: I changed my mind, Leo. I don't wanna go in there. They think I'm awful. I was awful.
Leo: It's alright. You can do it. Just remember why you're here.
(They walk into the kitchen.)
Paige: Mum? (Paige hugs her.) Oh my god, I've missed you so much.
Mrs. Matthews: What's gotten into you?
Mr. Matthews: Didn't I tell ya?
Paige: Uh, guys, I have an announcement to make. Starting now I-I'm turning my life around.
Mr. Matthews: You're not borrowing the car.
Paige: No, I mean it.
Mr. Matthews: Yeah, like you meant it when you said you were gonna stop cutting classes.
Paige: Uh, mum, you understand me? You've gotta believe me.
Mrs. Matthews: Oh, so now I'm mum. Last night we weren't even your real parents.
Paige: No, you are. I was just saying that to... hurt you.
Mrs. Matthews: (to Mr. Matthews) Did you feed the cat?
Mr. Matthews: Yeah.
Paige: You guys, I'm not a screw up. I promise I'll change, I promise I'll go to college and, oh, please stop. Please, we need to talk.
Mr. Matthews: Oh, you are right about that, and we are going to talk. About everything. Tonight at dinner.
Paige: Dinner. The family dinner.
Leo: Paige, be careful.
Paige: Please, we really need to talk before we drive.
(A horn beeps outside.)
Mrs. Matthews: Oh, ah, Paige, that's your ride.
Leo: You have to follow the events of the day, Paige. No exceptions.
(They leave the kitchen.)
[Scene: Manor. Kitchen. Piper is cooking dinner. Phoebe is admiring herself in the mirror. The second cloud-like creature floats above.]
Piper: I don't think I've ever cooked for Paige before, I hope she likes pork roast.
Phoebe: Just out of curiosity, do you think that I am a natural beauty or is this like one of those gem bodies?
Piper: Oh, Phoebe, please, like you haven't always been beautiful.
Phoebe: Oh, that's good because I hate lifting heavy objects.
Piper: What is with the blanche dublah?
(Cole walks in.)
Cole: Phoebe, hi.
(He walks over and kisses her.)
Phoebe: Well, if you're not the most to say the least...
Cole: Did I miss something? (chuckles)
(Phoebe looks up at the creature and it floats down into Cole, possessing him. He gasps.)
Phoebe: Yeah, me.
(They kiss, hungrily. Cole picks her up and they make out up against the fridge.)
Piper: I think this sisters night is a good idea. (She takes a pie out of the oven, turns around to see Phoebe and Cole making out. She rolls her eyes.) There's still so much we don't know about Paige... yet.
(Phoebe and Cole stop kissing and spot the pie.)
Cole: Oh, boy.
(They race over to the pie and Phoebe grabs a handful. She sticks it in Cole's mouth.)
Piper: Hey! What is the matter with you two? That is for Paige.
Cole: Sorry, ma'am. We're starving!
Phoebe: In so many ways.
Piper: Uh-huh. Well, go to lunch.
Cole: Good idea. (He picks up Piper's keys.) Let's cut out, Lulu.
(They kiss.)
Piper: Alright, enough with the pet names and the accents, and the kitchen. And could you come up with something better than Lulu, it sounds like a poodle.
(Piper faces the stove. Cole picks up a knife and grabs Piper.)
Cole: Are you making fun of my girl?
Piper: Uh...
Phoebe: My Frankie is so protective.
Piper: Frankie. (Cole spins her around to face Phoebe. She gasps.) And Lulu.
Phoebe: Hi. We're ghosts.
Cole: Boo! (laughs)
Phoebe: And we've been waiting about fifty years to finish a job. So now if you'll excuse us.
(She knocks Piper out.)
[Scene: The past. Paige's school. She opens her locker.]
Paige: I can't believe I remember the combination. I used to live out of this locker. (A pager beeps.) My pager.
(She looks for it.)
Leo: You had a pager in high school?
Paige: Ugh, get with it, Leo, it is the nineties. (She finds the pager and reads it.) Michelle Niglith. Uh, I can't deal with her drama right now. (She closes her locker. Michelle approaches her.) Michelle.
Michelle: Remember your whole peppermint schnapps theory?
Paige: No.
Michelle: You know, how you can't tell it from a breath mint? You're wrong, I got so busted.
Paige: Oh, (laughs) sorry.
(They walk off.)
Leo: You drank at high school?
Paige: What are you? My guide or my judge?
Michelle: Uh, excuse me?
Paige: Nothing.
Michelle: I got grounded for two weeks. My mum pulled this whole estrogen fest thing. I swear to god she's so damaged.
Paige: She's not damaged.
Michelle: You're right, she's beyond repair.
Paige: No, Michelle, she's not beyond repair, she's actually just trying to set boundaries and believe it or not you need them. So maybe you should just lay off. I mean, god, how would you feel if she dies tomorrow?
Michelle: Geez, Paige, morbid much? (The bell rings. Paige walks off.) Wait for me.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Scene: The past. Paige's school. She's in class.]
Teacher: Although the magna carter was a document of great importance to England and the American colonies, it originally granted concessions to few but the baronial families. (Paige looks at her watch.) The vast majority of England would remain without an active voice in government for another seven hundred years.
(Michelle hands Paige a note. It says "Donny is soooo hot!")
Paige: You don't want Donny, trust me. He winds up bagging groceries for a living and driving a Camero.
Michelle: I love Cameros.
Teacher: Would you girls please, I'm trying to teach.
Michelle: But nobody's listening.
(The class laughs.)
Teacher: Yeah, I know. That's why all you delinquents are in this class.
(The teacher continues to read from a book. Paige looks at the clock.)
Paige: Ugh, this is ridiculous, I have to get out of here.
Michelle: I know the feeling.
Paige: No, you don't understand, it's my last day with my parents.
Michelle: Okay, what are you babbling about?
Paige: Excuse me, Mr. Martin, can I have a bathroom pass, please?
(Leo appears.)
Leo: Don't even think about it, Paige. You have to follow the same path.
Teacher: What is the problem, Ms. Matthews?
Paige: (to Leo) I am tired of wasting my time here.
Teacher: Well, I'm sorry if I'm boring you.
Paige: No, I'm not talking to you, Mr. Martin.
Teacher: Who were you talking to?
Michelle: Yeah, really, who?
Leo: Paige...
Paige: This is stupid. Uh, this is all just a bad memory, I need to get out of here.
(Paige heads for the door.)
Teacher: Ms. Matthews, you will sit down and be quiet and wait for the bell to ring just like everyone else!
Class: Go! Go! Go!
Teachers: Sit down Ms. Matthews.
Paige: No, I won't.
(Paige opens the door and a security man stands there.)
Security Guard: Going somewhere?
[Scene: Present day. Police station. Piper walks in, holding her jaw. She goes over to Darryl.]
Piper: Did you find anything?
Darryl: Yeah, there was a Lulu and Frankie in the database. Some crazy young couple. They robbed a series of jewelry stores in the fifties. They killed three people before they were gunned down.
Piper: Uhh, I knew they were criminals.
Darryl: Who?
Piper: The ghosts that possessed Phoebe and Cole.
(Some cops look at her. Darryl takes her across the room.)
Darryl: Shh. Please, do not use the G word around here.
Piper: Okay, fine, but we need to find them before they finish their job.
Darryl: What job?
Piper: They must have some sort of unfinished business here on earth and they either can't or won't move on until it's done.
Darryl: You know this?
Piper: Well, they didn't take me aside and share their plan with me but it's how most ghosts work, Darryl.
(Two cops look at her. Darryl drags her into a room.)
Darryl: Oh, no creepy talk in the precinct. Will you just keep down the creepy talk.
Piper: Darryl, I'm sorry, but what do you want me to say? My sister was just possessed with a supernaturally born killer and my husband is in 1994, and I do not mean in the fashion sense. He time traveled back with my other sister so the only one left to help me is you.
Darryl: Gee, thanks.
Piper: Darryl, you know what I mean. What if they hurt somebody? What if they kill somebody? Then Phoebe and Cole will take the fall.
Darryl: Look, (he shows her a map) the data says that Lulu and Frankie were gunned down here, outside of a jewelry store. Maybe that's the job they were trying to finish.
[Scene: Jewelry store. Phoebe and Cole walk in. They take off their sunglasses and look around.]
Phoebe: One security guard, armed. Right corner.
Cole: Got it.
Phoebe: Two female customers.
(They wander over to the glass counter where very large expensive diamond rings are displayed. The sales assistant approaches the counter.)
Sales Assistant: Can I help you?
Phoebe: We're looking for a diamond engagement ring.
Sales Assistant: You came to the right place.
Phoebe: They're all so beautiful I don't know which one I like best.
Cole: You like the biggest one, baby.
Phoebe: Oh, there. That's the one I want, baby.
Sales Assistant: Excellent eye for quality, it's the perfect solitaire.
Cole: I don't know. The cut looks a little off.
Sales: Oh, no, I can assure you.
Cole: (to security guard) You, you look like a regular guy, can I ask your opinion? (The security guard nods and walks over to them.) I just wanna know... can I borrow your gun? (He laughs and punches the security guard in the stomach, then his face. He falls to the floor and Cole pulls out the gun.) You stupid. (laughs) Move over, baby!
(Phoebe moves away from the counter and everyone in the store ducks. Cole shoots the glass. He screams in excitement.)
Phoebe: We're back!
(She grabs a ring and puts it on.)
Cole: Ooh, gotta hand it to you, Lulu. This body's a live wire. The guy digs action, I can sense it.
(He shoots at two display cases. He screams in excitement again.)
Phoebe: This woman loves the feeling of this diamond on her finger although she'd never cop to it.
(He walks over and kisses her.)
Cole: Let's split, baby.
(They head for the door. The security guard gets up. Cole turns around and shoots him in the leg. Cole and Phoebe leave the store, unaware of the security cameras watching them.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Scene: Jewelry store. A detective is dusting for prints, some interviewing the witnesses and paramedics are wheeling out the security guard on a stretcher. Darryl and Piper walk in.]
Piper: Oh, no, is he okay?
Darryl: Looks like it was just his leg.
Piper: We're too late, they did it.
Darryl: Hold on just a second. (He walks over to a cop who's interviewing a witness.) Excuse me. What went down here?
Cop: Weirdest thing, Inspector. They could've cleaned this place out and all they take is a diamond ring.
(The cop walks away.)
Piper: That doesn't make any sense.
Darryl: Looks like your ghosts still have unfinished business.
Piper: Okay, we've gotta find them before they kill somebody. But, uh, first, is there a surveillance tape?
(Darryl looks around and sees a man ready to eject a tape out of a VCR.)
Darryl: Yeah, it's over there. (Piper gasps and freezes the room. She unfreezes Darryl.) Piper...
Piper: Uh-huh.
Darryl: You froze the crime scene.
Piper: Uh-huh.
Darryl: You can not freeze a crime scene.
Piper: Well, I did. Okay, we got to protect Phoebe and Cole, so start wiping fingerprints.
Darryl: No, no, no! Look, I am sick of you and your entire dysfunctional family unit. I will not falsify evidence, I am a cop.
Piper: Okay, cop, do I need to remind you that you bailed Cole out of jail last night.
Darryl: So?
Piper: So I was wondering what you were gonna tell your captain when he sees Cole on the surveillance tape.
Darryl: What are you waiting for? Go get the damn tape! (Piper goes and ejects the tape. Darryl wipes the fingerprints.) I can not believe I am doing this.
Piper: Shh, it's for a good cause. Check his pockets. (Darryl looks in the detective's pockets and pulls something out. Piper hands Darryl the tape.) Okay, back in position. (They go back over to where they were standing. Darryl tucks the tape into his pants.) You good?
Darryl: Yeah.
(Everyone unfreezes. The man tries to eject the VCR but nothing comes out. The cop walks over to Darryl.)
Cop: Inspector.
Darryl: Yeah.
Cop: I thought you'd like to know, a couple fitting the description just hit a bridal store on Fourth. Just stole a dress.
Darryl: A what?
Cop: You know, a dress. A wedding dress. Go figure.
(He walks away.)
Piper: First they're all over each other at the manor, then they steal a ring and then a wedding dress? Frankie and Lulu's unfinished business isn't criminal, it's matrimonial. They wanna get married!
Darryl: Do you people have any normal weddings in your family?
Piper: Come on, we don't have a lot of time.
(They leave.)
[Scene: The past. Paige's school. Paige is waiting outside the principal's office. The principal is talking with her parents. Leo appears beside Paige.]
Leo: You okay?
Paige: No, Leo, I am no where near okay. My time here is running out, I haven't done anything.
Leo: You've done enough.
Paige: I haven't done anything. I came to stop feeling guilty, only now I feel guiltier than ever because I know what a damn disappointment I am.
Leo: Is that what you believe?
Paige: Hello? Have you been watching or eating popcorn? My mum and my dad think I'm a total failure. I'm not. I can't let them die thinking that. In fact, I'm not gonna let them die at all.
Leo: You can't change history, Paige, only learn from it.
Paige: I am not letting them get in that car tonight, Leo.
Leo: Yes, you will. And if you break anymore rules...
Paige: Screw the rules, Leo.
Leo: Oh, is that the teenager talking or the adult. The reason we journeyed to the past was so you could learn from it. You see what breaking the rules has gotten you so far?
Paige: They're my parents. I have to do something. (She gets up and walks in the principal's office.) Sorry to barge in like this.
Principal: That incident in class was the last straw, Paige. I'm suspending you from school.
Paige: Just for that?
Principal: Just for that? Cutting classes, starting fights, smoking on campus, possession of alcohol.
Paige: I swear I don't turn out like this.
Mr. Matthews: Unfortunately your actions speak a lot louder than your words.
[Time lapse. Outside the school. Paige's mum and dad are leaving the school. Paige is following.]
Paige: It looks bad, I know. But it doesn't turn out this way, I promise. I-I get a degree in social work, I help others, I even get into Berkley thanks to high test scores and a powerful essay on the death of my... ooh, let's just say a powerful essay. Uh... mum and dad, you've got to believe me.
Mr. Matthews: How can we do that, Paige?
Mrs. Matthews: We've seen your act too many times.
Paige: Please, just look at me as though you actually saw me. I'm not who you think I am.
Mr. Matthews: How do you know what we think?
Paige: 'Cause I can see it in your eyes. Disappointment. And, okay, yeah, I deserve it, I do. All I can say for myself is that I'm searching and one day I will find myself.
Mrs. Matthews: Paige...
Paige: Let me finish. I'll find myself because of you two. You shaped who I am. I am not a bad daughter, you did not raise a bad daughter. I'm good. I just, I wish you could see it.
Mr. Matthews: Sweetheart, of course we can see it.
Paige: What?
Mrs. Matthews: We know you're good. We've always known. But we also know that you're lost and that scares us. And there's nothing in the world we want more than to help you find your way home. We just don't know how.
Paige: I think you just did. (They hug.) I will stay up on my word.
Mrs. Matthews: Mm-hm. Promise?
Paige: I promise. (They head for the car.) Uh, you guys, can we just stay in tonight and not go to the restaurant?
Mr. Matthews: We still have to talk.
Paige: Yeah, we will, just at home.
Mr. Matthews: Okay, let's go home.
(They get in the car. Leo appears.)
Paige: What?
(They drive off.)
Mr. Matthews: Well, what's it gonna be tonight? Should we have pizza?
Paige: I kinda miss mum's cooking.
Mrs. Matthews: (laughs) Like you don't have it every night.
Leo: You shouldn't do this, Paige, you can't change the past.
Paige: I already did.
Mr. Matthews: Did you say something, honey?
Paige: No, nothing.
Leo: You don't know what you're doing.
Paige: Yes, I do. (Leo disappears. A truck heads for their car.) Watch out!
(Paige orbs out. The truck hits the car and it rolls over. Paige orbs back in on the road. The car explodes. Paige gets up and starts crying.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Scene: Continued from before. Paige heads for the car. Leo runs over and grabs her. She screams.]
Paige: Let go of me! I have to save them!
Leo: They're gone.
Paige: Why did you bring me back here? Why! I though I could stop the accident.
Leo: You couldn't stop the accident because it was never your fault.
Paige: It was my fault. It was my fault.
Leo: They would have died anyway, it was their destiny. Just like it was your destiny to be saved by magic.
Paige: That's how I got out of the car. I orbed out.
Leo: That's right.
Paige: I could always orb?
Leo: Magic's always been inside of you. It saved you because you were meant to do great things with it, and you have, and you will. This is what you came back here to find, what caused the accident, why you survived it. You need to forgive yourself.
Paige: But it doesn't matter, it doesn't matter, they'll never know how much I love them. They'll never know what good parents they were.
[Scene: A chapel. Piper and Darryl rush out of it.]
Darryl: How many more chapels have we got?
Piper: That was the last big one, there's one more in the neighbourhood.
Darryl: What if they're not there?
Piper: Then we expand our search to the entire city.
(They get in Darryl's car and drive off.)
[Cut to a chapel. Phoebe and Cole are getting married. Cole has the chaplain at gunpoint.]
Chaplain: Do you take this woman to be thy wedded wife, to love, comfort and honour, in sickness or in health, for sorrow or joy, so long as you both shall live?
Cole: I sure do. I'm gonna take good care of her this time. Whoo!
Phoebe: You okay, Frankie?
Cole: Yeah, it's just this guy's all jumpin' inside. Almost like he wants to get married as much as I do. (giggles)
Phoebe: I know what you mean. This one's like, quivering inside of me. (to chaplain) What are you waiting for? Continue.
Chaplain: Right. Do you, Lulu, take this man to be thy wedded husband...
(Piper and Darryl barge in.)
Piper: I object to this union.
Chaplain: I didn't call for any objections.
Piper: Yeah, well, I still object. (She tries to freeze them but only the chaplain freezes.) You two are not frozen, why aren't you two frozen?
Phoebe: Well, I know I'm not the most technically minded, but I wouldn't think it would have something to do with the fact that we're ghosts.
(They laugh.)
Cole: I warned you, witch.
(He points the gun at Piper. Darryl pulls out his gun.)
Darryl: Freeze! Put the gun down slowly.
(Cole laughs and shoots. Darryl shoots at him and the bullet hits him in the chest.)
Cole: Damn it!
(He falls on the floor. Frankie exits Cole.)
Phoebe: Don't worry, baby. We'll try again. Next time we'll get it right. (Lulu exits Phoebe. Phoebe sits down beside Cole.) Cole! Cole! Cole. Cole. Leo!
Darryl: I had no choice.
Piper: I-I know. uh, get him outta here, (unfreezes chaplain) and, uh, call an ambulance.
Chaplain: What happened?
Darryl: Come, come with me.
(He takes him outside.)
Phoebe: Please don't die, please don't die. Leo!
Piper: Clyde, get your ass down here you son of a bitch! (Clyde appears in a gust of wind.) Bring back Leo now. (Clyde clicks his fingers and the door appears. He opens it and Paige and Leo come out of it.) Cole's been shot.
(Leo rushes over to Cole.)
Leo: Step away, Phoebe.
(Phoebe moves away and Leo heals Cole.)
Clyde: Frankie! Lulu! Where do you think you're goin'? (He pulls the ghosts in the door. He clicks his fingers and the door disappears. He grunts.) Ehh, it's an unfortunate slip-up. I told ya, it's a dangerous journey.
(He clicks his fingers and disappears. Cole gets up.)
Cole: (to Phoebe) You never answered the chaplain's question.
Phoebe: I never answered your question. Ask me again.
Cole: Will you marry me?
Phoebe: Yes, I will.
(They hug. Everyone smiles.)
[Scene: Manor. Dining room. Piper, Phoebe and Paige are there having dinner. They clink their glasses.]
Phoebe: Thank you, guys.
Piper: Just no weddings until we vanquish the Source.
(Paige goes to take a sip but stops.)
Paige: Apple cider?
Piper: Apple cider, yes.
(She takes a sip.)
Phoebe: Um, Paige... you haven't told us, and we're dying to know. What happened in your past?
Paige: Well, I found out I wasn't responsible for the accident.
Piper: Of course you weren't.
Phoebe: Then what's the matter?
Paige: It just makes me sad that my parents won't see us or what I've become.
(Leo stands in the foyer.)
Leo: Actually, that's not quite true.
(Paige's parents appear in the foyer. Paige stands up.)
Piper: Uh, Leo?
Leo: Let's just say that I owe Clyde now.
Mrs. Matthews: We know who you are, honey. Who you've become.
Mr. Matthews: We've been with you every step of the way and we're so proud of you, sweetheart.
(She runs over and hugs them.) | Plan: A: her adoptive parents' death; Q: What is Paige still feeling guilty about? A: their car accident; Q: What event does Paige go back to in order to work through her feelings? A: the accident; Q: What does Paige discover how she was able to live through? A: a pair; Q: How many ghosts possess Phoebe and Cole? A: 50 years ago; Q: When did Phoebe and Cole get possessed by ghosts? A: a way; Q: What does Piper have to find to keep the ghosts from succeeding in their mission? Summary: Still feeling guilty about her adoptive parents' death, Paige gets some help from Leo and the ghosts to go back to the day of their car accident so can work through her feelings and discovers how she was able to live through the accident. Meanwhile, Phoebe and Cole get possessed by a pair of ghosts who look to finish a job from 50 years ago, and as a result, Piper has to find a way to keep the ghosts in succeeding in their mission. |
INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY
TONY: How much?
ZIVA: Don't know.
TONY: Come on! Take a guess.
ZIVA: I don't know.
TONY: Then we're just going to have to settle this with facts. I am Googling "men's jacket." What would you say it was made of? It felt like butter.
ZIVA: Lambskin.
TONY: Who's the designer?
ZIVA: Why do you assume I know?
TONY: Because....
ZIVA: Because? Because I'm a woman? Because I am Jewish?
TONY: Because you're a great detective.
ZIVA: True. McGee flashed the label when he showed us his lining. Armani.
TONY: Anything else?
ZIVA: Lizard-embossed trim, a two-way zipper, and a chest pocket.
TONY: Found it! It's from the Armani Two Thousand Seven Resort Collection. You can purchase it for...
ZIVA: Two thousand dollars. They say the clothes make the man.
TONY: Hmm. He's not a man, he's a McGee.
GIBBS: Either way, where is he?
TONY: Um... over there. Overdressed.
(SFX: SANDERS COUGHS)
MCGEE: Are you okay?
SANDERS: Yeah. I um... I just need to talk to Special Agent Gibbs. Hey, your jacket's really soft.
MCGEE: Thanks.
ZIVA: Who is McGee escorting?
TONY: I don't know. Never seen him before.
MCGEE: This is Special Agent Gibbs.
SANDERS: Lieutenant Sanders, Sir. I need you to investigate a murder.
GIBBS: Whose?
SANDERS: (BEAT) Mine.
(MUSIC UP AND OUT)
(THEME MUSIC UP OVER OPENING TITLE/SCENES/ CREDITS AND OUT)
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY
ZIVA: This is killing me. I feel like I know him.
TONY: Mossad?
ZIVA: Maybe.
TONY: Internet dating?
ZIVA: I will kill you eighteen different ways with this paper clip.
TONY: Ducky figure out what's wrong with Lieutenant Sanders, Boss?
GIBBS: No, he's still examining him. Thinks it could be radiation poisoning.
ZIVA: Do we know how he was exposed?
GIBBS: No. But he's got a high-risk job as an inspector for the IAEA.
TONY: International Atomic Energy Agency.`
ZIVA: Wonder if he's ever been to Israel? I feel like I know him from somewhere.
GIBBS: Dinozzo, check his travel.
TONY: Is this guy contagious, Boss?
GIBBS: Well, McGee better hope not.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. BALLISTICS LAB
MCGEE: Underwear, too?
ABBY: Yes, McGee. I need everything.
MCGEE: Don't you think that's kind of overkill?
ABBY: Get over it, McGee. I'm a scientist. Remember? You said he coughed on you.
MCGEE: Yes.
ABBY: So I need to check all of your clothing for radiation. If you were exposed...
(DOOR OPENS)
MCGEE: Yeah, I feel exposed.
ABBY: Where's your jacket?
MCGEE: Come on. You need to test that too?
ABBY: You said he grabbed your arm.
MCGEE: Do you promise not to stain it?
ABBY: I promise not to stain it.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. AUTOPSY ROOM - DAY
SANDERS: The table's cold.
DUCKY: None of my other patient's ever complain.
SANDERS: Sorry. I thought it might have been nice for you to have someone to talk to for a change.
DUCKY: Oh, I always talk to my guests. The difference here is that you talk back.
SANDERS: Talk about what?
DUCKY: Let's see, in your case, I'd talk about your runner's physique, your well-toned calves, your impressive thighs. (CHUCKLES) It doesn't sound quite so personal when you're dead. Mister Palmer?
JIMMY: Yes, I will label these and get them over to radiobiology.
DUCKY: When did the nausea start?
SANDERS: Two days ago. Since I've been traveling, I blamed it on the local moqueca.
(SFX: DOORS SLIDE OPEN/ CLOSED)
DUCKY: Until your hair started falling out. Ah, Jethro! We have to wait for radiobiology to find out exactly with what we're dealing.
GIBBS: Containment?
DUCKY: Minimal. Abby's preliminary findings show that they're alpha emissions which, unlike gamma-rays and X-rays, can be blocked by a simple layer of dead cells on the skin. Just avoid contact and exchange of fluids.
GIBBS: Is he fit to answer questions?
SANDERS: I'm right here. I can hear you.
DUCKY: I'm sorry. It's force of habit.
GIBBS: You're around uranium in your job. What makes you think this was murder and not accidental?
DUCKY: A radiation badge. It's a thermoluminescent dosimeter.
SANDERS: I wore it to inspect the power plant in Brazil where we discovered violations. When I returned four days ago, the film from my badge was processed.
GIBBS: And the glow curve?
SANDERS: Detected no exposure. Said everything was fine.
GIBBS: Brazilians aware of your findings?
SANDERS: From my line of questioning, I'd say they knew they were busted. Brazil has a history of covert attempts to secure nuclear weaponry with Germany's aid.
DUCKY: Yeah, it's an unsavory partnership. It goes back to the fall of the Third Reich.
GIBBS: I'll need access to your offices and your inspection team.
DUCKY: I told transport I want to move him to AFRRI. That's the Armed Forces...
SANDERS: ... Forces Radiobiology Research Institute. Although in my line of work, we call in something else.
DUCKY: What's that?
SANDERS: The last exit.
MUSICAL BRIDGE TO:
INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY
TONY: (V.O.) Okay, ready? Look away now. Look at me. Close your eyes. Now look back really fast! (ON CAMERA) Open them up! Anything?
ZIVA: No, still nothing.
TONY: Okay. Squat down. Squat down and close your eyes, and then jump up and look!
(SFX: ZIVA PUNCHES TONY)
TONY: Ow!
GIBBS: Ziva, you find out how you know the Lieutenant?
ZIVA: Not yet. He's been to Israel twice in the last decade. We've never been in the same city.
TONY: He's also been to Iran, Bulgaria, Pakistan, Kuwait, Croatia, Korea and Slovenia.
GIBBS: Guy gets around.
TONY: I left out Canada.
GIBBS: Ducky's transferring him to AFRRI in Bethesda. Ziva, go with him.
ZIVA: Protection detail?
GIBBS: Not sure yet. Dinozzo.
TONY: On it. Tracing his phone calls, bank accounts, everyone he's ever met in his entire life.
GIBBS: Leave that to McGee. You're with me.
TONY: Uh, McGee's not here.
GIBBS: Where the hell is McGee?
MCGEE: Abby is testing my clothes for radiation and it's taking longer than we thought so...
GIBBS: Pick up where Dinozzo left off.
MCGEE: Got it, Boss.
TONY: If clothes make the man, what does that make McGee?
ZIVA: Male nurse?
TONY: No, Aqua Smurf.
MUSICAL BRIDGE TO:
INT. GARAGE - DAY
DUCKY: I've emailed your records to the doctors at AFRRI. They'll be running more tests. Try to conserve your energy. You'll need it later. I don't want to see you back on my cold table.
SANDERS: I appreciate your help, Doc.
DUCKY: Good luck.
(SFX: VAN DOORS CLOSE)
(SFX: VAN DOORS OPEN)
SANDERS: Did you forget something, Doc?
ZIVA: Special Agent Gibbs asked me to accompany you. I'm Officer David.
SANDERS: I'd shake your hand, but...
ZIVA: Um, actually, it would be best to avoid all bodily contact.
SANDERS: You sound just like my prom date.
ZIVA: Would you mind smiling for me?
SANDERS: Do I have something in my teeth?
ZIVA: No. You can stop smiling.
(SFX: ENGINE ACCELERATES)
(SFX: CAR TIRES SCREECH)
(SFX: ZIVA GASPS)
ZIVA: I'm sorry.
SANDERS: Don't be.
ZIVA: Do we know each other?
SANDERS: Where did you go to college?
ZIVA: Israel.
SANDERS: Could we have met at a conference?
ZIVA: Yes, except I've never been to one.
SANDERS: Burning Man, two thousand two! Extreme Twister Camp.
ZIVA: I don't even know what that means.
MUSICAL BRIDGE TO:
INT. FIELD OFFICE - DAY
HOLLY: It took two hours, but I finally found three seats in a non-stop Lufthansa flight to Gdansk. Can you leave next Thursday?
SADOWSKI: Holly, I don't know even if we'll be making this trip. I'll know more after I talk to NCIS. Special Agent Gibbs?
HOLLY: Okay, well, the sooner the better because the cancellation fees...
SADOWSKI: (OVERLAP) I understand. Just leave the itinerary. (TO GIBBS) I'm Mark Sadowski. We spoke on the phone. (TO DIANE) Diane, NCIS is here.
TONY: Which one is Lieutenant Sanders' desk?
SADOWSKI: It's clean.
TONY: I can see that.
GIBBS: He means they swept the office, Dinozzo.
SADOWSKI: When Roy said he was throwing up, we checked the radiation levels. They're within normal limits.
TONY: I'll gather his things.
RUSSIO: Hi, I'm Diane Russio. How's Roy?
GIBBS: Transferred to AFRRI.
SADOWSKI: We were hoping it was just food poisoning.
GIBBS: Radiation.
RUSSIO: Do you know where he was exposed?
GIBBS: No, not yet.
SADOWSKI: Well it couldn't have been Brazil. We toured the facility together, and Diane and I aren't sick.
RUSSIO: Could someone have done this on purpose?
GIBBS: We'll need your radiation badges.
SADOWSKI: Of course.
GIBBS: After hours in Brazil, did all of you stick together?
SADOWSKI: Uh, we stayed in the same hotel. Ate the same food. Roy would get up early and run. Oh, the night before we left, we hit the local bars for a cerveja and a cigar. Roy left early.
GIBBS: Alone?
RUSSIO: I was with him. We just went straight back to the hotel.
SADOWSKI: I'm thirty years older than both of them, and they're the ones who are too tired to party.
RUSSIO: I'll go get my badge.
SADOWSKI: So can we visit Roy?
GIBBS: Yeah, if he wants to see you.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. ABBY'S LAB - DAY
GIBBS: Answers, Abs.
ABBY: I've got them, Gibbs. I took Lieutenant Sanders' dosimeter apart and I discovered that it is hinky. I might even call it hinky-dory. Oh, come on, Gibbs. That's a little cute. Okay. Um... if you follow this red beam, you can see there's no clear path between the photomultiplier tubes and the crystal lattice. This little piece of plastic is blocking the light emissions.
GIBBS: Sabotage?
ABBY:
ABBY: Or faulty manufacturing. I mean, it's a state-of-the-art life saving device, but it's still made from injection-molded plastic. Just like a Happy Meal toy. (CONT.) And you know how sometimes you get one of those and there will be a little blob of plastic on the leg and you have to bend it back and forth and back and forth?
GIBBS: Abby?
ABBY: Somebody needs a Happy Meal.
GIBBS: What about these?
ABBY: Um... these are operational. No globs. Their reading was a true positive. My conclusion is that Sanders had a bad batch. There was no foul play. If he hadn't gotten sick, he wouldn't have even noticed.
GIBBS: I need to talk to Ducky. (BEGIN MONITOR INTERCUTS)
(SCENE CUT)
GIBBS: (ON MONITOR) Hey Duck!
(SCENE CUT)
DUCKY: (ON MONITOR) Jethro, I was just about to call you.
GIBBS: Lieutenant Sanders wasn't poisoned at the...
(SCENE CUT)
GIBBS: (ON MONITOR) ... power plant.
DUCKY: I know. The radiobiology lab...
(SCENE CUT)
DUCKY: (ON MONITOR) ... identified the isotope in his blood. It was thallium.
(SCENE CUT)
ABBY: (ON MONITOR) Wow. That is...
(SCENE CUT)
ABBY: Nasty stuff! Isn't the non--
(SCENE CUT)
ABBY: (ON MONITOR) ...radioactive form of that used for rat poison?
(SCENE CUT)
DUCKY: Oh, yes. It's lethal...
(SCENE CUT)
DUCKY: (ON MONITOR) ...and extremely effective. Colorless, odorless...
(SCENE CUT)
DUCKY: ... tasteless and soluble in water.
(SCENE CUT)
GIBBS: Are you thinking ingestion?
DUCKY: (ON MONITOR) Oh, most likely. And no longer than seventy-two hours ago.
ABBY: Okay, so now we know the when. We just have to figure out why, how, and who.(END MONITOR INTERCUTS)
(MUSIC OUT)
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. AFFRI INTENSIVE CARE ROOM
HASS: The pigment, Prussian Blue, has been applied by artists since the Seventeen Hundreds. Yeah, it was used by van Gogh, Monet, Picasso.
SANDERS: Me.
ZIVA: How long until it takes effect?
HASS: About twenty-four hours. Prussian Blue works best when it's used or taken as a preventative measure before exposure, or right after. But in the meantime, let's see if you can replace the fluids you lost without an I.V. We prefer oral feeding to maintain the integrity of your gut.
SANDERS: My gut has integrity.
ZIVA: So does my spleen.
HASS: Now, you can eat anything you want just so long as it's low microbial. But no drinking, and no smoking.
ZIVA: Are we done?
HASS: One more thing. We need to keep his stress levels down.
ZIVA: We're in the middle of an investigation.
SANDERS: (OVERLAP) We're in the middle of an investigation.
ZIVA: I have to go.
SANDERS: Any place I can get some fresh air?
HASS: This facility has an open air garden.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. MONITORING STATION - DAY
GIBBS: They catch it in time?
ZIVA: Uh, unclear. The next twenty-four hours are key.
GIBBS: I'm more interested in the past. I want a list of every sip, every bite, every kiss, every time he's hit the head in the past seventy-two hours.(DOOR CLOSES)
ZIVA: Do you think he's hiding something?
GIBBS: Have you placed him yet?
ZIVA: No.
GIBBS: You place him first, Ziva. Trust later.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. ABBY'S LAB
ABBY: There are only trace amounts of radiation on your clothes. But I'm still glad we tested them, because it's better to be safe than glowing.
MCGEE: Where's my jacket?
ABBY: It's here. It's really soft. Rub that against a certain part of your body...
MCGEE: You didn't!
ABBY: I don't even have that part!
MCGEE: Thank you for taking good care of my jacket.
ABBY: You're welcome.
MCGEE: Ah!!
ABBY: What? I promised you I wouldn't stain it! Just put your hand over it like this.
MCGEE: That looks very natural. Thank you. So did you find anything in the stuff Tony took from the Lieutenant's desk?
ABBY: Nothing yet. I'm checking all the protein bars for needle puncture marks.
MCGEE: You think the killer injected them with thallium?
ABBY: That's what I'd do. It's pretty devious. Using something so healthy to make someone so sick.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. AFFRI INTENSIVE CARE ROOM
ZIVA: So the rest of the pizza is inside your refrigerator?
SANDERS: Yeah. You can test it, but I, for one, trust Papa Don implicitly.
ZIVA: Hm... then what?
SANDERS: Brushed my teeth, and then I went to bed. I was pretty jetlagged, but I still got up to run the next morning.
ZIVA: What time?
SANDERS: Oh five thirty.
ZIVA: I thought I was the only one who got up that early to exercise.
SANDERS: Nope. I had water from the tap and an energy gel. Raspberry.
ZIVA: Noted.
SANDERS: Then I ran the two miles from my apartment to the Custis Trail which runs along the...
ZIVA: The Potomac!
SANDERS: Right. Then I headed over the...
ZIVA: The Arlington Memorial Bridge, where you passed a woman wearing a yellow windbreaker.
SANDERS: Is she part of the plot?
ZIVA: No, she's me! You're the one who wears the fluorescent orange watch cap when you run, correct?
SANDERS: Oh, yeah. So the cars will notice me.
ZIVA: People, too. I pass you every morning. I'm going east, you're going west. Don't you recognize me?
SANDERS: I'm sorry, no.
ZIVA: How about now? I mean, you've got to picture me sweating and panting and, you know...
SANDERS: Yeah, of course. I know you. You have a smooth stride, great carriage. I often turn after you pass to admire your technique.
ZIVA: Are you serious?
SANDERS: Yeah. Yeah. You have a very cute, tight technique.
(SFX: ZIVA LAUGHS)
ZIVA: Um, how far did you run that morning?
SANDERS: Eight miles. Went home. Showered. Headed to the field office. Ate two protein bars at my desk. Then at twelve hundred, Mark and I headed to Oakwood Shooting Range.
ZIVA: Where's that?
SANDERS: Near Andrews.
ZIVA: What do you shoot?
SANDERS: Glock.
ZIVA: That's a good choice.
SANDERS: And Mark and I ate lunch while we took target practice. I had a bacon cheeseburger with fries washed down with a large coffee.
ZIVA: (WHISTLES) You run like a health nut and eat like a slob.
SANDERS: I've always weighed the same. People told me at forty my body would change. I guess I might not have to worry about that.
ZIVA: Have you made a will? I'm sorry. That was too blunt. I...
SANDERS: No no no. I like blunt.
ZIVA: I was thinking your beneficiary would have a potential motive.
SANDERS: Well, the joke's on them because I ... I don't have a will.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. GARAGE - DAY
(ELEVATOR DINGS/ DOORS OPEN/ CLOSE)
TONY: Mark Sadowski, senior member of the team. He's about to retire. You know what that means.
MCGEE: He gets a watch?
TONY: No, somebody's going to bump him off. Stand procedure in seventies cop flicks.
MCGEE: Did Sadowski and Sanders get along?
TONY: Worked together nine years. Neither filed a complaint or request for transfer.
MCGEE: What about the other inspector?
TONY: Ah. Diane Russio. Something's up with her. She made Gibb's "Spidy-sense" tingle.
MCGEE: Oh, hey! Oh, hey hey! Don't touch that! Sanders' car can be a hot zone!
TONY: This car? I doubt it.
(SFX: CLICKS)
MCGEE: Rem is low. It's safe.
TONY: After you, Probie.
(DOOR OPENS)
TONY: Oh...
MCGEE: Reeks of cigar.
TONY: It's a manly scent. Good for you. You know what this guy being poisoned reminds me of?
MCGEE: A movie?
TONY: Yeah, but what movie?
MCGEE: A movie I've never seen.
TONY: D.O.A. it's called. Nineteen fifty film noir. Classic. This accountant goes to San Francisco and parties all night. Wakes up, finds he's poisoned. He has twenty-four hours to find --
MCGEE: (INTERRUPTING)I found something.
TONY: Is it dangerous?
MCGEE: Do you want kids? (BEAT) Kidding. The rem counts not that high. We should take it to x-ray.
TONY: Let's see what we've got in here. (SFX: TONY GAGS)
MCGEE: Body parts?
TONY: Gym clothes.
GIBBS: Get them to Abby. Ziva called with a list of Lieutenant Sanders' movements - where he went, what he ate.
MCGEE: We'll start at his apartment, collect these items, sweep for radiation.
TONY: Ziva figure out how she knew him?
GIBBS: Personal connection.
TONY: Ziva has personal connections?
[SCENE_BREAK]
EXT. GARDEN - DAY
ZIVA: Lieutenant!
(SFX: SANDERS GASPS)
ZIVA: Did I startle you?
SANDERS: A little. I'd say I was paranoid, but someone just poisoned me.
ZIVA: Who?
SANDERS: Well, I've racked my brain for enemies at work, but I uh... I can't think of anyone.
ZIVA: What about your private life? Do you have a girlfriend?
SANDERS: Are you asking me in a professional capacity?
ZIVA: Yes!
SANDERS: I don't have one.
ZIVA: Why not? (BEAT) Professional follow-up.
SANDERS: Well, I wouldn't date anyone I work with, and outside of work, I've never met a woman who could understand why I do what I do.
ZIVA: The focus, the risks, the sacrifices.
SANDERS: They always want me to go teach, or go to law school. But I love what I do. I truly believe there are good guys who need protection, and bad guys who need monitoring.
ZIVA: It's a mission, not a job.
SANDERS: "All that is necessary for evil to succeed is that good men do nothing."
ZIVA: (BEAT) That's my favorite quote ever!
(F/X: SANDERS STUMBLES)
ZIVA: Oh!
SANDERS: Sorry. I felt a little dizzy.
ZIVA: I have to get you into bed. (BEAT) Oh! (SFX: ZIVA LAUGHS)
SANDERS: I'm not saying anything.
ZIVA: Sorry, it's the English.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY
RUSSIO: How long do you think he's going to be in here?
SADOWSKI: Hey!
RUSSIO: Roy! Hi.
ZIVA: I'm sorry! No contact!
RUSSIO: I can't believe this happened. Are you going to be all right?
SANDERS: Well, I hope so.
[SCENE_BREAK]
EXT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY
(MUSIC OVER ACTION/ ZIVA KICKS AND HITS THE VENDING MACHINE)
MUSICAL BRIDGE TO:
INT. AFFRI INTENSIVE CARE ROOM
SADOWSKI: We'll probably just cancel next week's trip.
SANDERS: Which one?
RUSSIO: Pakistan, Uzbekistan and Russia.
SADOWSKI: It's one of those "If this is Tuesday, it must be Tashkent" trips.
SANDERS: Don't cancel. See if Howard's available. He's a good man.
RUSSIO: Careful!
SANDERS: Sorry. I'm a... I'm a bit wiped out.
SADOWSKI: Well, we'll let you get some rest. See you tomorrow, okay?
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. MONITORING STATION
ZIVA: I need to talk to you. It's about Lieutenant Sanders' personal life. Um... he says he doesn't have a girlfriend, that he doesn't date either.
SADOWSKI: Hard to believe, but I think it's true.
ZIVA: Mister Sadowski, would you mind giving us a moment alone?
SADOWSKI: I'll be at the elevators.
(SADOWSKI WALKS O.S.)
ZIVA: You know something. Is it about Brazil? When you two went back to the hotel together?
RUSSIO: Roy tell you about that?
ZIVA: No, my boss did. What happened?
RUSSIO: Nothing.
ZIVA: Tell me.
RUSSIO: Nothing! I got a little drunk. I knocked on his door. He wouldn't let me in. I was a complete idiot and he was a complete gentleman.
ZIVA: Or maybe he's gay.
RUSSIO: Oh, I don't think he's gay.
ZIVA: How do you know?
RUSSIO: I saw the way he looked at you.
MUSICAL BRIDGE TO:
INT. ABBY'S LAB - DAY
ABBY: The higher levels of radiation are due to the concentration of Lieutenant Sanders' sweat. He made his clothes radioactive, not vice versa.
(SFX: ABBY DRAGS ON THE DRINK)
GIBBS: Abs, it's over!
ABBY: Oh, I just hate to see the first one in the morning end. I did get one unexpected piece of information. Lieutenant Sanders had a computerized chip in his left sneaker to log his workouts.
GIBBS: Is that one of those experimental D.O.D. things?
ABBY: Uh, no. You can buy them at any running store. It transmits into this. I was able to access his exercise logs. These are the last two weeks of his workout. He's a machine. Eight miles everyday in under an hour.
GIBBS: Lieutenant Sanders was poisoned...
ABBY: Right around here.
GIBBS: His last two workouts were only slightly off-pace.
ABBY: Does that tell you something about the case?
GIBBS: It tells me something about the man.
ABBY: Like what?
GIBBS: Like he would have made a damn good Marine.
MUSICAL BRIDGE TO:
INT. MONITORING ROOM - DAY
HASS: He's sleeping again?
ZIVA: We took a walk around the garden and it knocked him out.
HASS: We got the second test results back.
ZIVA: Was the Prussian Blue effective?
HASS: No. Lieutenant Sanders' lymphocytes are continuing to decrease and his radiation levels are higher than when he was admitted.
ZIVA: It doesn't make any sense.
HASS: It does if he's still being poisoned.
(MUSIC UP AND OUT)
MUSIC IN:
INT. MONITORING ROOM - DAY
ZIVA: (INTO PHONE) There's no mistake, Gibbs. The doctor said Lieutenant Sanders' radiation levels are increasing.(BEGIN TELEPHONE INTERCUTS)
(SCENE CUT)
ZIVA: (V.O./FILTERED) He's still being poisoned.
GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Someone wanted to finish the job.
(ELEVATOR DINGS/ DOORS OPEN/ CLOSE)
ZIVA: (V.O./FILTERED) Not a lot of people have access to him. Nurses,
(SCENE CUT)
ZIVA: (INTO PHONE) ...doctors.
(SCENE CUT)
GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) People preparing his food. Could be a lot.
ZIVA: (V.O./FILTERED) Plus he had two visitors from work...
(SCENE CUT)
ZIVA: (INTO PHONE) ....yesterday. Diane Russio and Mark ...
(SCENE CUT)
ZIVA: (V.O./FILTERED) ... Sadowski.
GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Were they alone with him?
(SCENE CUT)
ZIVA: (INTO PHONE) Yes. At one point I went to the vending machine.
(SCENE CUT)
GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) One of them could have slipped it in his water.
ZIVA: (V.O./FILTERED) What about Tony and...
(SCENE CUT)
ZIVA: (INTO PHONE) ... McGee? Have they followed up on the list of...
(SCENE CUT)
ZIVA: (V.O./FILTERED) ... locations?
GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Swept Sanders apartment, office, running paths yesterday. All clean.
(SCENE CUT)
GIBBS: (V.O./FILTERED) They'll hit the rest today.
ZIVA: (INTO PHONE) This is starting to look very...
(SCENE CUT)
ZIVA: (V.O./FILTERED) ... targeted, Gibbs. Whoever did...
(SCENE CUT)
ZIVA: (INTO PHONE) ... this, is not just after any nuclear inspector.
(SCENE CUT)
GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Sanders know he's still being poisoned?
ZIVA: (V.O./FILTERED) Not yet.
(SCENE CUT)
ZIVA: (INTO PHONE) I'm worried it will increase his stress.
GIBBS: (V.O./FILTERED) Your call.
(SCENE CUT)
GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) You stick with him, Ziva.
(SCENE CUT)
ZIVA: (INTO PHONE) Like tattoos on Abby.(END TELEPHONE INTERCUTS)
(ZIVA WALKS INTO THE INTENSIVE CARE ROOM)
ZIVA: I think this will make you feel better. They tested the pizza inside the refrigerator, and um... you were right about Papa Don.
SANDERS: Yes! Exonerated! Did they... did they find any clues? Any answers?
ZIVA: Not yet. But they're still looking.
SANDERS: Well tell them to hurry up. I want to know who killed me before I die. Ziva? Can you do something else for me?
ZIVA: Of course.
SANDERS: Can you find me a lawyer? I think I need to write my will.
MUSICAL BRIDGE TO:
EXT. SHOOTING RANGE - DAY
(SFX: GUNFIRE)
CHESNEY: Mark and Roy came here a couple of times a week, usually at lunchtime. You check out Roy's two perfect targets hanging inside?
TONY: Missed them. Which station did they use?
CHESNEY: Oh, we don't keep track. At lunch time it's first available. But if you really need to know, I've got a security camera. Insurance made me put it in last year after I got sued.
(SFX: CLICKS B.G.)
TONY: Personal injury?
CHESNEY: Sexual harassment. See, I like to come up behind a shooter and correct his stance. Most appreciate it. One guy from Utah didn't. Bet I could correct your stance.
TONY: I'm okay with my stance.
CHESNEY: Sure would like to teach you how to position your shoulders over your hips.
TONY: Hey, we should get the security footage and review it back at the office to see where they were.
MCGEE: No need. I think we just found our hot zone.(SFX: RAPID CLICKS B.G.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY
(SFX: VENDING MACHINE COFFEE POURS INTO CUP)
ZIVA: I've been working for thirty hours straight.
MCGEE: This is only my fourth cup of the day.
TONY: Mossad. Hot liquid. I'd let her have it, McGee.
ZIVA: Thanks.
TONY: So you spent the night in the Lieutenant's room, huh?
ZIVA: Yes. We stayed up late talking.
TONY: Yeah, I remember staying up late in college... talking. What's that look on your face?
ZIVA: What look?
TONY: Are you falling in love with a dying man?
ZIVA: Of course, not!
TONY: Hey! The look on your face says you are.
ZIVA: When did you become an expert on love? Last time I checked, your idea of a long-term commitment was a three day weekend. What's that look on your face?
TONY: Nothing. I was just going to say...
ZIVA: (OVERLAP) Look, I know what you're going to say. Next time Lieutenant Sanders and I stay up late talking, we're going to use a lead condom. Thank you.
TONY: (OVERLAP) No, Ziva. I was going to say I hope he pulls through, but you should know that I found a photo of an attractive woman, a kid, and a husky in his desk.
GIBBS: How did he ingest the thallium?
TONY: Well, they ate lunch at the shooting range, and Abby's combing through the physical evidence, but we still haven't found the smoking gun.
MCGEE: We swept the dumpsters at the shooting range, but the levels were low. Same with the kitchen.
TONY: There were two food preparers, two servers. They all scanned clean. So did Dee Dee -- she's the rather eccentric woman who runs the place.
ZIVA: Then Roy - sorry - Lieutenant Sanders must have been contaminated at the point of consumption.
MCGEE: Well, do you think someone spiked his hamburger or his coffee?
GIBBS: Who got near his food?
MCGEE: I watched the security footage and Mark Sadowski is with him the whole time. But you can't see the table or the food. The cameras are trained on the shooting stalls.
TONY: Oh, believe me. You don't want to know why that is.
MCGEE: Someone could have come from the back... not been seen.
ZIVA: Sadowski was at the range, and he was here, which places him at both contamination sites.
GIBBS: Bring him in.
TONY: On it, Boss.
GIBBS: I thought I told you to stay with Lieutenant Sanders the whole time.
ZIVA: Agent Lee's with him. He's making out his will.
GIBBS: You can't die unless you see a lawyer.
ZIVA: Hey. He may not die. He may pull through.
MUSICAL BRIDGE TO:
INT. AFFRI INTENSIVE CARE ROOM
LEE: Officer David, I need you to witness the document.
SANDERS: In case you're wondering, I left it all to my sister. I hope she appreciates it. We fight a lot.
ZIVA: Someday I'll tell you about my family.
SANDERS: Yeah, but don't wait too long.
ZIVA: Does your sister have a Husky?
SANDERS: How'd you know?
ZIVA: That's a nice addition to any family.
SANDERS: Do you have a dog?
ZIVA: No.
(SFX: SANDERS COUGHS)
LEE: I'll file this with the court, but I hope we don't need to execute it for a very long, long time.
SANDERS: Thank you, Agent Lee.
LEE: You're welcome.
(SFX: SANDERS GASPS)
LEE: Ziva, Abby sent back some of his things.
MUSICAL BRIDGE TO:
INT. INTERROGATION ROOM
GIBBS: You know a lot about handling radioactive materials.
SADOWSKI: Sure. For my job.
GIBBS: You were at the shooting range with Lieutenant Sanders a few days ago.
SADOWSKI: We had lunch.
GIBBS: Slipped him a little thallium?
SADOWSKI: I've never touched thallium. Look, I had nothing to do with Roy getting poisoned. Nothing.
GIBBS: Skip the denials. Tell me why?
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. OBSERVATION ROOM
TONY: This is my favorite part.
MCGEE: The part where Gibbs breaks him?
TONY: No. The part right before Gibbs breaks him, when the guy still thinks he has a chance.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. INTERROGATION ROOM
GIBBS: Why?
SADOWSKI: There is no why.
GIBBS: Why?
SADOWSKI: I didn't do it! I would never hurt Roy!
GIBBS: Sit down!
SADOWSKI: He's my friend. We traveled the world together. When I thought I had prostate cancer, he was the first person I called. So if you have any proof I did this, lay it out for me. Let me see it, because I know it doesn't exist.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. OBSERVATION ROOM
TONY: He'll break him.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. ABBY'S LAB - DAY
ABBY: I finished analyzing the debris that I vacuumed from the shooting-range gravel.(BEGIN TELEPHONE INTERCUTS)
DUCKY: (ON MONITOR) Was it our prime suspect?
ABBY: You mean Frenchie?
(SCENE CUT)
ABBY: (ON MONITOR) Yeah. The fry registered scant radioactivity after it was dusted. None of the larger items...
(SCENE CUT)
ABBY: Are contaminated, but the micro debris was through the roof.
DUCKY: (ON MONITOR) Were you able to break down its components?
ABBY: Well, it took me a while, but I isolated human skin...
(SCENE CUT)
ABBY: (ON MONITOR) ... human hair, lint, tobacco ash - both large and small....
(SCENE CUT)
ABBY: ... salt, pepper, dirt...
(SCENE CUT)
ABBY: (ON MONITOR) ... and pollen. Ducky? Ducky?
(SCENE CUT)
JIMMY: (ON MONITOR) He's gone.
ABBY: Oh.
(SCENE CUT)
JIMMY: I've got to go, too.
(MUSIC OVER ACTION/JIMMY AND LEE UNDRESS)
(SCENE CUT)
ABBY: I guess when you've got to go, you've got to go.(END TELEPHONE INTERCUTS)
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. HALLWAY - DAY
(DOOR OPENS)
GIBBS: Make it fast, Duck.
DUCKY: We found the smoking gun, with the emphasis on smoking. Abby isolated large radioactive ash from the debris from the shooting range. It wasn't ingestion. It was inhalation.
MCGEE: Someone injected the thallium into the cigar.
DUCKY: Yes, it's very efficient, too, because the lungs feed directly into the blood stream.
TONY: Sadowski mentioned hitting the bars with Lieutenant Sanders in Brazil for cerveja and a cigar. So...
MCGEE: Wait, Boss. I need to show you something.
TONY: I really hope it's not that You-Tube clip I sent him this morning, because it's a little...
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. OBSERVATION ROOM
MCGEE: MCGEE: Well, I downloaded the security camera feed from the shooting range. Here's the isolated footage of Mark Sadowski and Lieutenant Sanders. (CONT.) If you had laced a cigar with thallium, would you stick around to breathe in the smoke?
DUCKY: That's not likely. It's like pulling the pin on a grenade, handing it to someone, and then standing beside them.
TONY: Sadowski didn't know they were contaminated with radiation.
(SFX: SADOWSKI CHOKES B.G.)
DUCKY: No! Stay here.
(DOOR OPENS)
TONY: That explains why you couldn't break him. He didn't do it.
(MUSIC UP AND OUT)
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. AFFRI INTENSIVE CARE ROOM
ZIVA: Where are they?
SANDERS: What are you talking about?
ZIVA: The cigars you smoke when you go outside to get some fresh air?
SANDERS: Okay, I had a puff or two. I know the doctors said no--
ZIVA: (SHOUTS) No!! Where are they?
SANDERS: I had no idea you were so anti-smoking. I mean, honestly, at this point I consider myself lucky to live long enough to die of cancer.
ZIVA: Look, Roy, these cigars are laced with thallium. Were they a gift?
SANDERS: I uh... I bought them myself. Duty-free, Sao Paulo Airport.
ZIVA: Who else had access to these?
SANDERS: They were in my desk until I stuck them in my bag. Oh, man....
(SFX: SANDERS BREATHES RAPIDLY)
(SFX: RAPID BEEP TONES)
ZIVA: Okay! Okay! You need to relax. You need to stay calm!
HASS: It's all right, Roy. It's all right. Deep breaths, now. Take deep breaths. Keep breathing.
MUSICAL BRIDGE TO:
INT. HALLWAY - DAY
MCGEE: Two out of three inspectors poisoned. Someone is targeting the agency.
TONY: Make a lot of enemies wherever they've been, Boss.
GIBBS: Or wherever they're going. You stick with Sadowski, Dinozzo. McGee, get Diane Russio in here. She's the only inspector who isn't sick.
MCGEE: Yet.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY
RUSSIO: We do a dozen inspections a year, Agent Gibbs, in a dozen different countries. People don't like us. But I can't believe any government would sanction this. Thank you. We all got tested after Roy. My results were negative. Am I still at risk?
GIBBS: Low-level exposure. Lieutenant Sanders was the target. You have an inspection next week?
RUSSIO: Roy insisted we still go. But now that Mark's sick...
GIBBS: Where?
RUSSIO: That's classified. We prefer it if they don't know we're coming.
GIBBS: Need to know.
RUSSIO: Russia, Pakistan, and Uzbekistan. (SFX: TELEPHONE BEEP TONES)
MCGEE: Names of the facilities?
OPERATOR: (V.O./FILTERED) Operator.
GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) I need satellite time. Now!
MUSICAL BRIDGE TO:
INT. MTAC ROOM - DAY
MCGEE: Last one, Boss. Tashkent, Uzbekistan. Image of the Taskent reactor stabilizing. Before the fall of the Soviet Union, Uzbekistan was the top producer of weapons-grade materials.
GIBBS: Yeah, and after?
MCGEE: They dismantled the centrifuge. But if they wanted to put it back together...
GIBBS: They'd bring the pieces in with heavy equipment trucks like these. A lot of activity.
MCGEE: Looks like they're building something.
GIBBS: Or pulling it down. I need a shot from earlier this week.
MCGEE: Try the same location ninety-six hours ago.
TECHNICIAN: (V.O.) Accessing now.
MCGEE: Someone's expecting guests.
GIBBS: Get that footage to D.O.D. and IAEA headquarters in Vienna.
(SFX: TELEPHONE BEEP TONES)
TONY: (V.O./FILTERED) Dinozzo.
GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Hey. Someone tipped off Uzbekistan. Ask Sadowski...(BEGIN TELEPHONE INTERCUTS)
(SCENE CUT)
GIBBS: (V.O./FILTERED) ... who knew.
TONY: (INTO PHONE) Sadowski is out of it, Boss.
(SCENE CUT)
TONY: (V.O./FILTERED) The doctor sedated him.
GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Lieutenant Sanders, then.
TONY: (V.O./FILTERED) Checking.(END TELEPHONE INTERCUTS)
GIBBS: McGee, I want bank records for everyone working at the Agency. I want details for every inspection ever done on that facility.
MUSICAL BRIDGE TO:
INT. AFFRI INTENSIVE CARE ROOM
SANDERS: I feel like I'm running a marathon.
ZIVA: You are.
SANDERS: I called my parents. My mom's taking it bad. The good news is Dad's going to fix it. They're on their way here. Dad - he's going to turn it all around.
ZIVA: Call in some favors.
SANDERS: Ask the right questions.
ZIVA: Because every problem has a solution.
SANDERS: Exactly!
ZIVA: God, he sounds a lot like my father.
SANDERS: He was tough on me, but I made him proud.
ZIVA: Do they have far to travel?
SANDERS: Too far. They'll need to be here anyway. Decisions to make. I'd like for you to meet them. Is that weird?
ZIVA: No. I would like to meet them.
TONY: How is he?
ZIVA: He's fighting.
TONY: Gibbs has a question for him.
ZIVA: I think he just fell asleep.
TONY: Lieutenant? Lieutenant Sanders?
SANDERS: Ziva?
ZIVA: I'm here. Agent DiNozzo needs to ask you a question.
TONY: Who knew you were going to Uzbekistan next week?
SANDERS: Classified.
TONY: Who decided where you'd go?
SANDERS: My decision. Short list. Kept everyone guessing.
TONY: Who'd you tell? Roy? Lieutenant! Who did you tell, Roy?
SANDERS: Mark. I told Mark.
ZIVA: Are you done?
TONY: Who else did you tell? Roy? Anyone else?
SANDERS: Diane. Just... just Mark and Diane.
TONY: Diane. Okay. Thank you.(SFX: TELEPHONE BEEP TONES)
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. MONITORING ROOM - DAY
TONY: (INTO PHONE) Hey, Boss? The Lieutenant says only two others knew he was going to Uzbekistan...Mark Sadowski and Diane Russio.(BEGIN TELEPHONE INTERCUTS)
(SCENE CUT)
GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) How is he?
TONY: (V.O./FILTERED) He's fading...
(SCENE CUT)
TONY: (INTO PHONE) ... fast.(END TELEPHONE INTERCUTS)
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY
MCGEE: Boss, inspectors have been back to Uzbekistan six times in the past four years. Next week's inspection would have been lucky number seven. Sanders has been at every one of them.
GIBBS: That makes him an expert.
MCGEE: If anything had changed, he's the guy that would have noticed. Explains why they targeted him.
GIBBS: What makes you think it was them, McGee?
DUCKY: (V.O./FILTERED) Doctor Mallard.
GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Hey Duck. I need you to check something.
DUCKY: (V.O./FILTERED) Mm-hmm.
MUSICAL BRIDGE TO:
INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY
(SFX: TONY BANGS ON THE VENDING MACHINE)
ZIVA: The other side.
(SFX: TONY BANGS ON THE VENDING MACHINE)
TONY: Well, you know you've been in the hospital too long when you've figured out the vending machine.
ZIVA: You think I've been here too long?
TONY: Do you want some of this?
ZIVA: That's Roy's sister. The woman in the photo. The one with the kid and the dog.
TONY: I had to ask him, Ziva.
ZIVA: I know.
TONY: Are you okay?
ZIVA: Part of me just wants to run. And I can't believe this is happening to me. To me, of all people.
TONY: Well, you shouldn't take it as a sign of weakness.
ZIVA: Well, then how should I take it, Tony? Character-building? Life-affirming? Somehow I don't think Roy sees it that way. (BEAT) I'm sorry. Sorry.
SANDERS: Ziva! I'm dying of boredom in there...
ZIVA: It's okay. I've got you!
SANDERS: Hey, what's a guy got to do to get a pretty girl to take a walk in the garden?
HASS: Roy! You shouldn't be out of bed. You need to be back in bed.
ZIVA: It's okay, Doctor. I can manage.
HASS: (OVERLAP) No, no, no. He needs to be--
TONY: (OVERLAP) Doctor Hass, excuse me. Can I speak to you for a second? I think... I think I may have been exposed. I don't know how. And I don't mean to be an alarmist, but I've got that burning sensation, and the headaches and the vomiting, and the whole thing.
HASS: (OVERLAP) Diarrhea? You've got the diarrhea?
TONY: Yeah, like a tap. And it just hit me. And I...
HASS: Okay, let's set you down. We're going to need to run some tests.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. AUTOPSY ROOM - DAY
(SFX: DOORS SLIDE OPEN)
DUCKY: Ah, Jethro. As per your request, I've revealed the reviewed the results of the tests carried out on the agency staff after it was confirmed that the Lieutenant had been exposed. And I've found what you were looking for. Trace amounts of ferric forrocyanide. Prussian Blue. Someone was taking it prophylactically... as a preventative measure, Jethro.
GIBBS: Who?
DUCKY: Her.
MUSICAL BRIDGE TO:
INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY
MCGEE: Got her, Boss. Fifty thousand in cash deposited over the past three months. Closed the account this morning. Shifted the funds offshore. Looks like she's about to do a runner.
GIBBS: Where is she now?
MCGEE: Just checked. Still in the office.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. IAEA FIELD OFFICE
RUSSIO: (INTO PHONE) No! I don't want to travel via London! I want a direct flight. Yes, I know it's last minute, but I'm - look, there must be other carriers.
GIBBS: Ms. Russio!
RUSSIO: Agent Gibbs!
GIBBS: Your travel coordinator, Holly Stegman?
RUSSIO: Okay, she just left me here with this mess! Flight plans...
GIBBS: Which way?
RUSSIO: I'm trying to--
GIBBS: (SHOUTS) Which way!?
RUSSIO: Parking garage.
MUSICAL BRIDGE TO:
INT. CAR - PARKED
HOLLY: Come on!
(MUSIC OVER ACTION/CAR BACKS UP RAPIDLY)
MCGEE: (V.O.) Stop!! Stop!!
(MUSIC OVER ACTION/CAR RACES THROUGH THE PARKING STRUCTURE)
(SFX: CAR TIRES SCREECH)
(DOOR OPENS)
HOLLY: No! No! Wait! Wait!
MCGEE: Out of the car!
HOLLY: No! I didn't mean to do it! I couldn't kill Roy anymore than I could run over you! I wanted to make him sick, so he couldn't travel! That's all! He would have known. He would have realized that it was either Mark or me! Just tell me!! Wait!! Tell me it didn't kill him. No! No! No! (CRYING)
MCGEE: She could have killed you, Boss!
MUSICAL BRIDGE TO:
EXT. GARDEN - DAY
SANDERS: What a perfect day for a run.
ZIVA: Mmm.
SANDERS: I'd even consider a double loop.
ZIVA: I have something of yours. (BEAT) I remember you now!
SANDERS: All those mornings I ran right past you.
ZIVA: You blasted past me.
SANDERS: I uh... I used to put in a little extra kick to impress the ladies.
ZIVA: (LAUGHS) Well, it worked.
SANDERS: I'm sorry we never got to run together.
ZIVA: Me, too.
SANDERS: Do you think you'd notice... that I was no longer there? That I'd stopped running?
ZIVA: Yes, I would have noticed. I would have missed seeing you.
SANDERS: And eventually you would have forgotten me.
ZIVA: Yes. I won't forget you now.
(MUSIC OVER ENDING CREDITS AND OUT) | Plan: A: radiation poisoning; Q: What illness did the Navy Lieutenant have when he arrived at NCIS? A: his murder; Q: What does the Navy Lieutenant want NCIS to investigate? A: the International Atomic Energy Agency; Q: What organization was the Navy Lieutenant an inspector for? A: only his two closest colleagues; Q: Who knew where the next inspection was to take place? A: Ziva; Q: Who sympathizes with the Navy Lieutenant? A: the Lieutenant; Q: Who did Ziva develop feelings for? A: the next episode; Q: When was it revealed that the Navy Lieutenant had died? Summary: A Navy Lieutenant arrives at NCIS with radiation poisoning requesting that the team investigate his murder, prompting them to investigate who is responsible for poisoning him. The Navy Lieutenant is an inspector for the International Atomic Energy Agency, so the team tries to figure out who would want to make sure he didn't make it to the next inspection. However, only his two closest colleagues knew where the next inspection was to take place. Meanwhile, Ziva sympathizes with the Lieutenant, in whom she sees a reflection of her own most strongly held beliefs and develops feelings for him. It is revealed in the next episode that the Lieutenant had died. |
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Chandler is on the phone, Rachel and Monica are sitting in the kitchen.]
Chandler: Buh-bye. (Hangs up the phone) I just got us reservations at Michelle's and tickets to the Musicman to celebrate our first holiday season as a betroughed couple.
Monica: Betrothed... (Corrects him)
Chandler: ...betrothed couple.
Phoebe: (entering carrying a skull) Hey!
Chandler: Hey!
Rachel and Monica: Hi!
Phoebe: Haaaa... (Puts the skull on the table) ... ahhhh!
Chandler: Pheebs?
Phoebe: Huh?
Chandler: Skull?
Phoebe: Oh, yeah, it's my mom's.
Rachel: (freaking out) Oh my god!!
Phoebe: No, no, no. It's not! It's not my mom. It belonged to mom. Yeah, no, she used to put it out every Christmas to remind us, that even though it's Christmas, people still die. And, you can put candy in it. (She grabs the skull, pulls out a stick of licorice, and takes a bite.)
Ross: (entering) Hey!
All: Hey!
Monica: (Offering Ross the skull) Licorice?
Ross: (Thinking it over) Sure! (Takes one) Hey, I just found out, I get Ben for the holidays this year.
All: Ohh! That's great!
Monica: Are you gonna dress up as Santa?
Ross: Nope. I mean, I know Susan does every year, but I think I wanna take this year to teach him all about Hanukkah.
Phoebe: And maybe I could teach Ben about the Christmas skull and how people die.
Rachel: You may need to use this year to teach Ben about Phoebe.
Ross: Hmm.
(Joey comes out of the bathroom reading a newspaper)
Joey: Hey. (He exits)
Rachel: (to Monica) Did you know he was in there?
Monica: No.
Chandler: How long have we been home?
Monica: About a half an hour.
Chandler: Lovely!
Opening Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler gets a cup of coffee and sits down next to Monica.]
Chandler: Hey, you know what I was thinking? When we get married, are you gonna change your last name to Bing?
Monica: No.
Chandler: Why not?
Monica: Bing's weird.
Phoebe: (entering) Oh, hey, you guys!
Chandler: Hey!
Monica: Hey!
Phoebe: Hey. Guess what! My landlord just called and my apartment is gonna get ready soon, so I guess I'll be moving out.
Monica: Ahh, Phoebe, I'm gonna miss you!
Phoebe: Yes, you will be very sad. All right, well I gotta go tell Rachel the good news.
Chandler: Ohh! You guys gonna be living together again?
Phoebe: Yeah, why not?
Chandler: Well, she's just so much fun with Joey, I just assumed, she'd still be living with him.
Phoebe: Why do you think she's having so much fun living with Joey?
Chandler: No reason, except...she...told...me.
Phoebe: Really? So she said, she didn't wanna live with me anymore?
Chandler: No! No, she didn't say that. I-I-I think you should talk to Monica now.
Monica: Phoebe, don't worry about it. I'm sure she wants to live with you.
Phoebe: You're sure? You're absolutely sure?
Monica: Well, no. But, um, I bet she probably does.
Phoebe: Probably? Yeah, I don't like that word. (Chandler and Monica look surprised) Kind of what 'probably' really means. Yeah, uh-huh. Yeah, oh, "Your mom probably won't kill herself," y'know? I'm sorry, but I'm not hanging all my hopes of Rachel and I living together on-on "Probably!" Y'know? You gotta take care of yourselves! (She starts to walk out) In this world history teaches us nothing! (Exits)
Chandler: Bing doesn't seem so weird now, does it?
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is sitting behind a red drum set.]
Rachel: (entering) Hey!
Joey: Hey! Great, you're home! Guess what Phoebe got me for Christmas! (Starts drumming.)
Rachel: Drums?
Joey: (yelling) No! Drums!
[Scene: Michelle's, Chandler and Monica enter.]
Chandler: (to the Maitre d') Hi, could we get two burritos to go, please? (Laughs.)
Monica: I'm sorry. But not that sorry, 'cause you don't have to live with it. Um, we have a reservation under the name Chandler Bing.
Maitre d': Oh-kay, we'll have a table for you in about 45 minutes.
Chandler: Forty-five minutes? We have tickets to the Musicman at 8:00.
Maitre d': I'm sorry. Christmas is a very busy time, sir.
Chandler: Is this because of the burrito thing?
Monica: (pulling Chandler away from the Maitre d') You need to give him money.
Chandler: Give him money? It was a joke!
Monica: No, to get a table! Places like this are always shakin' you down. Everybody wants to be paid off.
Chandler: Right, calm down, O'Mally. I'll slip him some money.
Monica: You've got to be smooth about it.
Chandler: Hey, I can be smooth. (Walks back to the Maitre d', very smoothly) Listen, we're a little bit in a hurry, so, if you can get us a table a little quicker, I'd appreciate it. (Shakes his hand)
Maitre d': Of course, sir.
Chandler: Okay. (Walks back to Monica)
Monica: How did it go?
Chandler: Had the money in the wrong hand. (Shows her his left hand with the money in it)
[Scene: Ross's apartment, Ross is whirling Ben around.]
Ross: Wooooooo, hehehe. Hey, ahh, you don't feel like you're gonna throw up, do ya?
Ben: No.
Ross: Well, I do, so let's... (Ben and Ross sit down on the couch) So, Ben, you uh, you know what holiday is coming up, don't ya?
Ben: Christmas.
Ross: Yep, and you know what other holiday is coming up?
Ben: Christmas eve.
Ross: Yes, but also (Pauses to let Ben answer, but he doesn't.) Hanukkah! See, you're part Jewish, and-and Hanukkah is a Jewish holiday.
Ben: Santa has reindeers that can fly!
Ross: Right, um, but, on Hanukkah, Hanukkah is a celebration of a miracle. See, years and years ago there were these people called the Maccabees.
Ben: (singing) Jingle bells, jingle bells...
Ross: (interrupts him) Okay, that's right, yes, but on Hanukkah, uh, we sing, uh (Sings) Draydl, draydl, draydl, I made you out of clay.
Ben: (singing) Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer...
Ross: (interrupts him again) Okay, it's not a contest.
Ben: When is Santa coming?
Ross: Well, how about this year, instead of Santa, we have fun celebrating Hanukkah?
Ben: No Santa? Was I bad?
Ross: No! Oh, no-no-no. Hey, you weren't bad, you've been very good, Ben.
Ben: Santa's mad at me.
Ross: No, hey-hey, come on, (He grabs Ben and sits him on his lap) Ben, Santa is not mad at you, okay? Hey, you're-you're his favorite little guy!
Ben: So Santa's coming?
Ross: (disappointed) Yes! Santa's coming!
[Scene: Michelle's, Chandler and Monica are discussing how to bribe the Maitre d'.]
Monica: It's easy! Just keep it casual! Give him a kind word, shake his hand and give him the money!
Chandler: How do you know so much about this?
Monica: I don't know.
Chandler: Richard used to do it, didn't he?
Monica: We'd be eating our soup right now.
Chandler: Mustached b*st*rd...
Monica: (sees two people exit) Okay, those people just left, come on! Quick! Give him the money and get their table!
Chandler: (walks up to the Maitre d') Excuse me...
[Chandler can't find his money in the pocket. In the meantime, another couple shows up, and Chandler turns away to look for his money]
Male Guest: (to the Maitre d') Good evening. (Shakes his hand)
Chandler: (finds his money) Ahh-hahaha! (Turns around to give the Maitre d' his money, but he isn't there anymore)
[Scene: The Hallway, Phoebe comes up the stairs and hears drumming coming from Joey and Rachel's, so she enters smiling and then sees that Rachel, not Joey, is the one playing.]
Rachel: (stopping at Phoebe's entrance) Ha!
Phoebe: So you like the drums! That's, that's great! Y'know, I was worried, that, you know, they would maybe an unbearable living situation. All right, okay, well, apparently not! So, yay!
Joey: Hey-hey, Pheebs, check it out, we already learned a song. (To Rachel) Ready? One, two, three, four...
[Rachel hits some tom-toms and ends up on the 'crash'-cymbal, which is in fact a ride-cymbal, but whatever...]
Rachel and Joey: Tequila!!
Phoebe: That's fun. (She exits disappointedly.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Scene: Central Perk, Gunther is serving Chandler and Monica coffee.]
Gunther: Here you go.
Chandler: Thank you Gunther, put it there. (He gets up, and shakes Gunther's hand. A bunch of coins fall out his hand. He sits down next to Monica.) Definitely not easier with coins. (Joey gets up and picks up the coins. Chandler thinks, Joey is just helping him to pick them up.) Thank you.
Joey: Thank you. (He gets up and puts on his jacket.) (Phoebe enters) Hey Pheebs!
Phoebe: Hey!
Joey: Here. (Gives her the coins) Now I only owe you $49.50.
Chandler: Hey Pheebs!
Phoebe: Hey! (she sits down next to him)
Chandler: If you wanna give Joey a Christmas present that disrupts the entire building, why not get him something a little bit more subtle, like a wrecking ball, or a phial of small pox to release in the hallway?
Monica: It's not just the drum noise. Every five minutes, Joey throws his sticks in the air, and I have to hear, "Oh my eye! Oh god, my eye!" I mean, it is so annoying.
Phoebe: Yes, thank you. You see, this is how normal people are supposed to react to drums.
Monica: Phoebe, you got Joey drums to annoy Rachel, so she wouldn't wanna live there anymore?
Phoebe: Maybe on some level.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is sitting behind the drums wearing safety goggles, hitting them with his sticks as Rachel watches.]
Rachel: Joey, y'know that you could just not throw the sticks up in the air.
Joey: What is Rock 'n' Roll about that?
Phoebe: (entering with an aquarium covered by a towel) Hey, Joey, I got you another present. (She puts it on the counter)
Joey: Oh wait, before you tell me what it is! (He plays a drum-roll) Okay, what is it?
Phoebe: It's a...tarantula! (Joey almost falls down from his drum-stool jumping up) Oh! God! Rachel, look, I'm sorry. What was I thinking giving Joey this big, gross, scary spider in such a poorly constructed cage?
Rachel: What are you talking about? I love them! (Looks into the cage) Yeah, I had a tarantula when I was a kid. But it-it died, because my cat ate it. And then, then my cat died. But Joey, isn't this cool?
Joey: Is it on me? I feel, I feel like it's on me! I got, hey! (He storms into his room)
Rachel: Oh, isn't that adorable? Joey is afraid of the tarantula.
Phoebe: (sarcastic) Ah, yeah, he's so adorable, God, he's just so much fun, Joey is the best, I'm glad you're having so much fun here. (She turns around, about to leave)
Rachel: What? Wait-wait a minute, what? Phoebe, what's the matter?
Phoebe: Our apartment is ready.
Rachel: And that makes you angry because...
Phoebe: Because you would rather live here with Joey.
Rachel: Where did you get that?
Phoebe: Monica and Chandler said that you were having so much fun here. And apparently no amount of drums or tarantulas is gonna change that.
Rachel: Phoebe?
Phoebe: Hm?
Rachel: Did you get all this stuff for Joey to try and drive me out of the apartment? Honey, if you wanted to do that, you might as well just gotten him a fish, you know how fish freaked me out!
Phoebe: (nods along) Fish!
Rachel: It wouldn't have mattered anyway, Phoebe, you and I are, are gonna live together, we're roommates; that's the deal.
Phoebe: Yes, but I wanted you to want to live with me, but okay, if you're having so much fun over here...
Rachel: Oh, it's so much more fun with you.
Phoebe: We did have fun, didn't we?
Rachel: We did!
Phoebe: Oh, anyway, they say, if we want, we can see it tonight.
Rachel: Oh, I would love to!
Phoebe: Yay, okay!
Rachel: Good, good, good, good, good. (She runs to the drums and gets the sticks)
Phoebe: Great, all right, okay, and Monica ask me to make the drumming stop.
Rachel: (with the sticks in her hands) Um... (She goes to the tarantula-cage and puts the sticks into it) Done!
[Scene: Halloween Adventure, a costume shop, there is a salesman behind the counter, Ross enters.]
Ross: Hey!
Salesman: Hello, Sir. You're here to return those pants?
Ross: No, these are my pants.
Salesman: Oh. Okay! How can I help you?
Ross: Well, uh, do you have a Santa-outfit left?
Salesman: Two days before Christmas? Sorry, man.
Ross: Okay look, do-do, you have anything Christmassy? I promised my son, and I really don't want to disappoint him, um, come on, I...uh, you gotta have something.
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica has just opened the door for Ross who is costumed as an Armadillo. Ben is standing next to her.]
Ross: I'm the holiday armadillo! I'm a friend of Santa's and he sent me here to wish you (Points to Ben) a Merry Christmas!
Monica: What happened to Santa, Holiday Armadillo?
Ross: (to Monica) Santa was unavailable so close to Christmas.
Monica: Wow, come in, have a seat. You must be exhausted coming all the way from...Texas.
Ben: Texas?
Ross: That's right, Ben. I'm Santa's representative for all the southern states. And Mexico! But, Santa sent me here to give you these presents, Ben. (He tries to bend down to pick up the bag with the presents, but can't because of the costume) Maybe the Lady will help me with these presents.
[Monica picks up the bag, while Ross closes the door and hits Monica with his tail. They walk into the living room, and Monica empties the bag.]
Ben: Wow! Thanks!
Ross: You're welcome, Ben. Merry Christmas, ooh, and Happy Hanukkah!
Ben: Are you for Hanukkah, too? Because I'm part-Jewish.
Ross: (gasps) You are? Me, too!
Monica: Because Armadillos also wandered in the desert?
Ross: (to Monica) You wanna wander in the hall? (to Ben) Ooh, hey Ben, what if the Holiday Armadillo told you all about the Festival of Lights?
Ben: Cool!
Ross: Yeah!
Monica: Come on Ben.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Monica and Ben sit down on the couch.]
Ross: Years and years ago there were these people called the Maccabees...
Chandler: (entering in a Santa costume) Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas!
Ben: Santa! (Runs to Chandler and hugs him)
Chandler: Hey! (Grunts as Ben hits him at full speed.)
Ross: What are you doing here, Santa?
Chandler: Well, I'm here to see my old buddy Ben. What are you doing here, weird...turtle-man?
Ross: I'm the Holiday Armadillo, your part-Jewish friend. You sent me here to give Ben some presents. Remember?
Chandler: What?
Ben: Did you bring me any presents, Santa?
Chandler: You bet I did, Ben, put it there! (He shakes Ben's hand, but the money falls out of his hands) (to Monica) Well, it would have worked this time, if his hands weren't so damn small! (Realizes, that Ben is standing right there) Ho, ho, ho!
Monica: Okay Ben, why don't you come open some more presents, and Santa, the Armadillo, and I have a little talk in the kitchen? There's a sentence, I never thought I'd say.
[They walk to the kitchen; everyone is lowering their voices]
Ross: (to Chandler) What are you doing?
Chandler: You called everyone and said you were having trouble finding a Santa costume, so I borrowed one from a guy at work!
Ross: Thank you, but, but you gotta leave.
Chandler: Why?
Ross: Because, I'm finally getting him excited about Hanukkah, and, and you're-you're wrecking it.
Chandler: But I didn't get to shake my belly like a bowl full of jelly.
Ross: I'm sorry, Chandler but this, this is really important to me.
Chandler: Fine, I'll give the suit back.
[Ross turns around and walks back to Ben.]
Monica: (to Chandler) Hey, you think, you can keep it another night? (She has a really teasing look on her face and keeps twirling Chandler's beard.)
Chandler: Santa? Really?
Monica: Yes, is that okay?
Chandler: Did your Dad ever dress up like Santa?
Monica: No.
Chandler: Then it's okay! (They kiss.)
Ross: Okay Ben, Santa has to go. Say good-bye!
Ben: No! Why does he have to go?
Chandler: Because, if Santa and the Holiday...Armadillo? (Ross nods) ...are ever in the same room for too long the universe will implode. Merry Christmas!
Ben: No! Why can't the Armadillo leave? I want Santa!
Ross: Fine, I-I give up. Santa, Santa can stay.
Chandler: Well, I'll stay, but only because I wanna hear about Hanukkah. Ben, will you sit here with Santa and learn about Hanukkah?
Ben: Okay, Santa!
(Ross mouths to Chandler, "Thank you," and he mouths, "You're welcome," back.)
Ross: All right, it's time for the story of Hanukkah. Years and years ago, there were these people called the Maccabees.
[Joey enters in a Superman-costume]
Joey: (entering wearing a Superman costume) Merry Christmas!
[Scene: Phoebe and Rachel's, they are entering to check out the newly refurbished apartment.]
Rachel: Oh wow! Look at this place!
Phoebe: Oh, this is terrible. Oh, they've made so many changes I can't even feel my grandmother's presence anymore-Ooh! New sconces!
Rachel: (yelling from another room) Oh my God!
Phoebe: What?
Rachel: (returning) Okay, remember uh, remember how you told me that your grandmother put up that wall to make that into two bedrooms?
Phoebe: Yeah?
Rachel: And remember how you always said you were afraid the landlord would find out and then tear it down?
Phoebe: Yeah?
Rachel: Do you really not know where I'm going with this? (Phoebe nods, "No.") It left! It's one huge room!
Phoebe: Oh no! (She runs to see.) (Running back, excitedly) Oh! Wow!!!
Rachel: See?
Phoebe: Well, I guess we'll just have to put the wall back up.
Rachel: You can't, because of the new skylight!
Phoebe: There's a skylight?! (Runs to see and yells from the bedroom.) Wow!!
Rachel: So what should we do? Should we start looking for a new place?
Phoebe: (returning slowly) Y'know I'm-I'm sensing that um, my grandmother would not be comfortable with that.
Rachel: Oh yeah? Startin' to feel her again there are we?
Phoebe: A little bit, yeah.
Rachel: Pheebs is your grandmother maybe saying that you should live here alone?
Phoebe: You heard her too?! You have the gift!
Rachel: Phoebe, it's okay. I like living with Joey.
Phoebe: Are you sure?
Rachel: Oh please, I hate packing, it's closer to work, and we do have fun. Although, I'm really gonna miss living with you.
Phoebe: Oh me too.
Rachel: I know. (They hug.) Oh-oh, wait did you hear that-hear that? Listen, I'm gettin' something from your grandmother, she said that since you get to keep the one bedroom apartment you should give Rachel the purple chair?
Phoebe: No, I do not hear that.
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Santa (Chandler), Superman (Joey), Ben, and Monica are listening to the Holiday Armadillo (Ross) finish telling the story of Hanukkah.]
Ross: ...and the miracle was that that little bit of oil that should've just lasted just one day, burned for...
Ben: (answering him) Eight whole days.
Ross: That's right, and that's why we celebrate Hanukkah today. The end.
Ben: Awesome!
Ross: Yeah?
Chandler: My favorite part was when Superman flew all the Jews out of Egypt. (Glaring at Joey who's nodding.)
Ross: The Armadillo was actually not so thrilled about that part! Okay Ben, it's time to light the Hanukkah candles! (Santa, Superman, Monica, Ben, and the Holiday Armadillo go over to the menorah to light the candles.)
Rachel: (entering with Phoebe) Hey!
Phoebe: Oh.
Rachel: (seeing the collection of characters.) Wow! It looks like the Easter Bunny's funeral in here.
Ross: Come on, come on, we're-we're-we're lighting the candles!
Rachel: Oh.
Phoebe: Oh.
(They both go over to light the candles.)
Phoebe: Okay, I understand why Superman is here, but why is there a porcupine at the Easter Bunny's funeral?
Ending Credits
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is closing the door on the tarantula cage.]
Rachel: I got it!
Joey: (yelling from the bedroom) Is it back in the cage?
Rachel: Its back in cage!
Joey: Cage closed?
Rachel: Joey, would you just come out here and stop being such a baby!
(Joey throws open his door and stands there still in the Superman costume then slowly makes his way to the bathroom while keeping both eyes on the cage.) | Plan: A: Ross; Q: Who wants to introduce Ben to Hanukkah? A: half-Jewish; Q: What is Ben's religion? A: Phoebe; Q: Who fears Rachel prefers living at Joey's? A: Rachel's apartment; Q: What has been repaired for Phoebe and Rachel? A: various gifts; Q: What does Phoebe give Joey to prevent him from moving in with Rachel? A: Monica; Q: Who is annoyed by the drum kit Phoebe gave Joey? A: the "Holiday Armadillo; Q: What does Ross dress up as to excite Ben for Hanukkah? A: 2019; Q: When was the episode rated the third best Christmas episode of all time? A: The Herald-Dispatch; Q: What newspaper called this episode the third best Christmas TV episode of all time? A: 3; Q: How many times did The Herald-Dispatch call this the third best Christmas TV episode of all time? Summary: Ross wants to introduce Ben, who is half-Jewish, to Hanukkah , though Ben loves Christmas. Phoebe and Rachel's apartment has been repaired, but Phoebe fears Rachel prefers living at Joey's. To prevent this, she presents Joey with various gifts - a spider that scares Joey more than Rachel and a drum kit that annoys Monica. Ross dresses up as the "Holiday Armadillo" to excite Ben for Hanukkah. In 2019, The Herald-Dispatch called it the third best Christmas TV episode of all time. [3] |
5:50pm - 6:15pm
[SCENE_BREAK]
1: INT. TARDIS. CONSOLE ROOM
(STEVEN, still in his Trojan tabard, lies on the divan, semi-conscious.)
(The DOCTOR'S hands move over the controls of the TARDIS.)
(KATARINA watches over STEVEN.)
KATARINA: He has a strange sickness. Can you not help him?
(The DOCTOR joins her.)
DOCTOR: I'm doing the very best I can, my child.
(He laughs gently and looks over STEVEN.)
DOCTOR: Oh dear, dear, dear, this is such a worry. This poison seems to be spreading throughout the whole of his system. Yes, we need a special drug. I shall have to land somewhere.
(The hum of the TARDIS suddenly diminishes.)
DOCTOR: Hmm.
(KATARINA looks round in alarm.)
KATARINA: What is that?
DOCTOR: Oh, we're slowing down, my dear. We're going to land in a moment.
KATARINA: Can we have reached the place of perfection so soon?
DOCTOR: Er, well, I rather doubt it. At least, that is, er, we shall be stopping at a lot of places before that. Now, I... I... I want you to look after Steven, if you will. And see that you keep that wound clean, please, hmm?
(Again he laughs gently.)
DOCTOR: (Warmly.) That's a good girl.
(He leaves her and goes back to the console.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
2: EXT. KEMBEL. JUNGLE
(Deep in the Kembel jungle are two Space Security agents, KERT GANTRY and BRET VYON. Both are in rough shape with dishevelled clothing, especially GANTRY, who lies on the ground with a shattered leg in a crude splint. Around them are the sounds of the wildlife of the jungle and both men jump at the sound of a particularly loud roar. VYON speaks into a radio transmitter, his voice getting increasingly more desperate.)
BRET VYON: (Into radio.) Five Zero Alpha to Charlo Charlo Egan, Five Zero Alpha to Charlo Charlo Egan, come in!
(He pauses to see if there is any answer. There is nothing but static. He tries again.)
BRET VYON: (Into radio.) Charlo Charlo Egan, this is Five Zero Alpha, can you read me? Come in!
(BRET VYON pauses again listening for a reply. Hearing just the static, he goes over to KERT GANTRY with a look of despair.)
BRET VYON: Nothing! When we get back to Earth, I'll have every fool in CCE court-martialled!
KERT GANTRY: (Worried.) If we get back to Earth. If Central Communications has gone dead on us, we haven't a hope!
BRET VYON: Well, we're not dead yet.
KERT GANTRY: Don't fool yourself. They're out there looking for us right now. They'll find us and then...
BRET VYON: (Interrupting.) All right, all right, they may well find us! But we've got to get through to Earth first or the whole solar system is finished!
KERT GANTRY: I know, I know. Try them again.
(BRET goes back to the radio.)
BRET VYON: (Into radio.) Five Zero Alpha to Charlo Charlo Egan, come in! Five Zero Alpha to Charlo Charlo Egan, come in!
[SCENE_BREAK]
3: INT. EARTH. CENTRAL COMMUNICATIONS ROOM
(Millions of miles across space, back on Earth at Central Communications, a light flashes on an operations board in the communications room but remains overlooked. A long semi-circular flat console, covered with instruments faces a large monitor screen which dominates one of the walls. To the left of it is a star-map with various grid-references and points marked out. This is the hub of radio communications for the galaxy. It is manned by six Technix who are completely bald humans, dressed in simple tunics, who carry out the main functions of Central Communications. Two people enter the room. A slightly bored younger man, ROALD, who is dressed in a similar tunic to the Technix but with a shoulder sash which has the words on it "GALACTIC SECURITY, COMMUNICATIONS" and a conscientious woman in her thirties called LIZAN.)
ROALD: So it's checkmate, isn't it? I want to see the Venus-Mars game - you want to see your hero, Mavic Chen.
(LIZAN smiles at ROALD'S attempt to provoke her.)
LIZAN: I just happen to admire him, that's all. Well, I'm going to do some work now, even if you aren't.
(LIZAN takes an observation chart and moves away to begin work.)
ROALD: I, er... I'll tell you what. If we tune into Channel four-oh-three, we'll get the news. That should cover both our requirements. Agreed?
LIZAN: Ah, but we may only get a report of what Mavic Chen said, not actually see him.
ROALD: That's hardly likely! The Guardian of the Solar System is going away on holiday. He will, no doubt, say a few well-chosen words. Every well-chosen word will no doubt be transmitted.
LIZAN: And what about the routine calls?
ROALD: Oh, you worry too much. The next one's Five Zero Alpha.
(LIZAN looks down her list.)
LIZAN: Five Zero Alpha?
ROALD: It's not for another twenty minutes. Well, what about four-oh-three?
(LIZAN turns to one of the Technix.)
LIZAN: Bring up four-oh-three, please.
(The Technix does as instructed.)
LIZAN: (To ROALD.) Five Zero Alpha? Is that the patrol out looking for Marc Cory?
ROALD: Yes, the... er... agent who disappeared near the planet Kembel. Probably crashed, so they think.
(An image appears on the large screen next to the star chart. ROALD turns to one of the Technix.)
ROALD: Hey, bring up the sound! It's Mavic Chen on holiday.
(Their attention turns to the interview on the screen. MAVIC CHEN is a distinguished-looking, white-haired and bearded Asiatic. He has a great presence and speaks in a calm but powerful voice. He is being interviewed by an awed younger man.)
MAVIC CHEN: (On screen.) ...Yes, the mineral agreement with the fourth galaxy proved a little more... complicated than was at first expected.
INTERVIEWER: (On screen.) And as that has been concluded so successfully, I'm sure no one will begrudge you a little time off. Er, where are you going to on this trip?
MAVIC CHEN: (On screen, smiles.) That I am keeping a secret. I hope to be able to get away from all interviewers.
(The INTERVIEWER laughs.)
MAVIC CHEN: (On screen.) I'm just going to climb aboard my Spar and drift... about the solar system.
(LIZAN smiles.)
LIZAN: Drifting round the solar system - that's the life if you can get it!
(As she speaks, the interview continues...)
INTERVIEWER: (On screen.) Have you ever travelled beyond our solar system?
MAVIC CHEN: (On screen.) No, not really.
(ROALD responds to LIZAN'S wishful thinking...)
ROALD: Well, become a galactic politician and who knows? Maybe one day you will. As far as I'm concerned, give me terra firma any day.
(LIZAN tuts.)
LIZAN: You are in a rut, my friend. Now, if I had the latest Flip T-4...
ROALD: (Interrupting.) Ah, it's a trifle brash, isn't it? There are other space vessels, you know?
LIZAN: You mean the Spar 7-40.
ROALD: (Admiringly.) Yes, if I had to travel around ultra space, I'd think the 7-40. Elegance, plus ultimate technology.
LIZAN: It hasn't got the speed.
ROALD: Speed isn't everything.
(Both return to watching the screen.)
INTERVIEWER: (On screen.) Is there anything you would like to say to the citizens before you depart?
(CHEN turns to face the camera.)
MAVIC CHEN: (On screen.) Yes. It is my earnest hope that the solar system may continue along this path of peace, this path that was laid by the signing of the non-aggression pact of 3975. And now, in this year of 4000, we can feel justly proud of that pact. May the past twenty-five years prove that they are the dawn of an everlasting peace...
(ROALD, having heard the speech before, quietly laughs.)
MAVIC CHEN: (On screen.) ...which will spread throughout the universe.
(On the wall map, the light to signify BRET VYON'S message starts to flash again. However it remains unnoticed by anyone in the room as they concentrate on the large screen and MAVIC CHEN'S continuing speech.)
MAVIC CHEN: (On screen.) Let us go forward together, secure in the knowledge that the life ahead is built on the cornerstone of richer understanding, not only of the past or of the present, but also of the future.
(ROALD, bored, is actually able to mouth CHEN'S remarks as the Guardian intones them.)
MAVIC CHEN: (On screen.) And may it be this cornerstone, so firmly laid deep, be built upon in brotherhood and bring peace, progress and prosperity to each and every one of us.
INTERVIEWER: (On screen.) Thank you sir. I'm sure that all throughout our system echo your thoughts.
(ROALD and LIZAN turn away from the screen as the broadcast ends.)
LIZAN: Even you must agree he's an impressive man.
ROALD: Yes, it's nice to hear his speech again.
LIZAN: Cynic!
(She catches the flash on the wall map from the corner of her eye.)
LIZAN: Was that a flash?
ROALD: Where?
(He dons a headphone, flicks some switches and listens.)
ROALD: Well, there's nothing coming through.
LIZAN: I thought I saw one.
ROALD: You're imagining things.
LIZAN: Okay, so I'm imagining things.
[SCENE_BREAK]
4: EXT. KEMBLE. JUNGLE
(KERT GANTRY and BRET VYON are on the move through the jungle with their radio and are looking nervously into the dark undergrowth.)
KERT GANTRY: They are out there, I know it, and they're getting closer!
BRET VYON: Look, you're imagining things. Now shut up!
KERT GANTRY: Do you think I'm a fool? There's something out there and it's close!
BRET VYON: Look, I tell you...
KERT GANTRY: (Interrupting.) Just listen!
(The men stop and listen intently. After a second, they hear the snap of a twig.)
KERT GANTRY: There!
BRET VYON: Shh!
KERT GANTRY: You heard it?
BRET VYON: Yes. Come on, we've got to get out of here.
(BRET moves to KERT to help him up.)
KERT GANTRY: I stay.
BRET VYON: What? But you know we can't fight them! Our weapons are useless against... those things. Now we must move out.
(KERT snaps and indicates his wounded leg.)
KERT GANTRY: How can I keep on the move with this? Have you got any more bright ideas? All that will happen is I'll hit one of those spiked plants. I nearly fell on one before.
BRET VYON: Look, we won't go fast, just keep moving. I'll make sure we avoid the Varga plants.
KERT GANTRY: If I fall and hit one, you know what happens then!
BRET VYON: Don't be a fool!
KERT GANTRY: That could be what happened to Cory. He tripped, pricked himself on a thorn and... then he turned into one!
BRET VYON: You're letting your imagination run riot again. Besides, we haven't seen any Varga that look like him.
KERT GANTRY: Oh, joke away, but you know I'm right. There's been no trace of Marc Cory anywhere.
BRET VYON: Perhaps they took him prisoner.
KERT GANTRY: You know they don't take prisoners.
BRET VYON: All the more reason for you to come with me. Now come on!
(BRET moves to help KERT to his feet...)
BRET VYON: Come on.
(...but the wounded man raises his blaster rifle and aims it at BRET.)
KERT GANTRY: This is no time for phony heroics. I'll just slow you down, and then we'll both get it. Now without me you've got a chance. It's not a good one, but it's a chance. Just stay alive and get that message through!
BRET VYON: (Firmly.) I'm not going without you - is that clear?
(GANTRY raises his gun on VYON.)
KERT GANTRY: (Passionately.) Get out! Get out of here or I'll kill you now!
(GANTRY aims the gun. A shocked BRET realises that he is serious and reluctantly turns to go. He picks up the transmitter and prepares to walk off into the jungle.)
KERT GANTRY: Bret...?
(BRET looks back.)
KERT GANTRY: Good... luck.
(VYON nods and then leaves GANTRY, who has his blaster still up in defence. The wounded man looks all around him, before staggering forward through the thick jungle.)
KERT GANTRY: All right, I'm ready for you now!
(There is silence apart from the animal sounds in the jungle. GANTRY carries on limping through the trees.)
KERT GANTRY: Where the devil are you?
(He hears sounds of movement nearby.)
KERT GANTRY: Come on!
(As GANTRY looks around frantically, he hears a rustling sound in front of him. He peers carefully into the foliage but sees nothing. He moves on into a clearing and sinks to his knees in horror as he sees a DALEK in front of him. He presses the trigger on his blaster but the DALEK fires first and GANTRY falls back dead with a scream. A second DALEK glides forward and they look down at the scorched body.)
FIRST DALEK: One man remains. Find and destroy him!
SECOND DALEK: I obey.
(They glide away.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
5: EXT. KEMBEL. JUNGLE CLEARING
(Elsewhere, VYON makes his way quickly through the jungle. He dodges some Varga plants but in doing so, he trips and drops the precious radio transmitter. He picks up the shattered instrument and looks over his last means of salvation, now gone. Suddenly, his despair is replaced by alarm as he hears a strange raucous noise. He dives for cover and watches as the TARDIS materialises in the jungle. Coming out of cover, he approaches the newly arrived object and starts to look over it. With an electronic hum, the door opens and BRET dives back into cover. The DOCTOR emerges, followed by KATARINA. They look over their surroundings as BRET listens.)
DOCTOR: Hmm!
KATARINA: (In wonder.) Strange place... Can you find help here?
DOCTOR: I don't know my dear, but I must try. Now I want you to stay here and look after Steven. I shall be as quick as I can, hmm?
KATARINA: I'll do as you ask.
DOCTOR: Splendid. Now you know which switch to pull to close the doors, don't you? So I want you to do that straight away. I have my key to let myself in.
(KATARINA looks puzzled at this.)
KATARINA: Key?
DOCTOR: Hmm.
(The DOCTOR shows her the TARDIS key.)
DOCTOR: Yes, this child - key. This opens the door from the outside, hmm?
(BRET is especially interested in this statement...)
DOCTOR: Now go in please and shut the door.
(KATARINA does so and the doors hum shut again.)
DOCTOR: Hmm, charming!
(He sets off into the jungle. After he has gone, BRET steps out of hiding and examines the TARDIS again, especially interested in the door. He makes a decision and hurries after the DOCTOR.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
7: EXT. KEMBEL. JUNGLE CLEARING
(Exploring the thick jungle, the DOCTOR spots lights ahead. Looking through the trees, he catches sight of a city in the distance. It stands at the base of some ridged mountains and has a large circular landing area in front of it from which are several smaller round parking areas on which stand a collection of different sized and shaped spacecraft.)
DOCTOR: Ah! A city... or perhaps a town, hmm.
(As the DOCTOR mutters to himself, BRET starts to approach him from behind, his blaster raised.)
DOCTOR: I wonder where we are, hmm? Hmm! All I have to do is get through that jungle and perhaps then I can get some help. I must say it's a strange place to put a city, hmm.
(The DOCTOR feels the end of a blaster against his back.)
BRET VYON: Keep absolutely still.
DOCTOR: What is it you want?
BRET VYON: The key.
DOCTOR: What key?
BRET VYON: (Menacingly.) Give me that key or I'll kill you.
[SCENE_BREAK]
8: INT. TARDIS. CONSOLE ROOM
(STEVEN has come round but is still very weak and somewhat delirious. He still lies on the couch, his breathing being heavy and laboured.)
KATARINA: The Doctor will return very soon. He will get help.
STEVEN: Wh... where are we?
KATARINA: On our way through the underworld.
STEVEN: What? Look, I... don't understand. Vicki? Troy?
(He feels the pain of his wound again.)
STEVEN: Ohh, you... you helped me when that Trojan...
KATARINA: Deep calm. You must rest.
STEVEN: Did the Doctor bring you on board?
KATARINA: Yes. We all make the journey together.
STEVEN: Who are you?
KATARINA: Katarina. I served as handmaid for the High Priestess Cassandra. But you must rest. The Doctor will bring help. Don't ask any more questions.
STEVEN: I... I... I want...
(STEVEN passes out again. The TARDIS doors open and BRET VYON enters. KATARINA looks at him in surprise.)
KATARINA: Did the Doctor send you?
(BRET, amazed at the interior of the ship, hesitates, then...)
BRET VYON: That's right - the old man sent me.
KATARINA: Have you brought help?
(BRET looks round the control room.)
BRET VYON: This is fantastic!
(He recovers his composure and turns to KATARINA.)
BRET VYON: Erm... you, what's your name?
KATARINA: Katarina. Did the Doctor send you to cure the sickness?
BRET VYON: Yes, but we must shut the doors first. The... old man said you knew the switch.
(KATARINA walks over to the console.)
KATARINA: Here.
(She activates a control and the doors close. BRET looks round the room.)
BRET VYON: What sort of craft is this? I've seen most, but nothing like this. From the outside it looks so small. How do you work this thing?
KATARINA: Only the Doctor works his temple.
BRET VYON: His what?
(BRET starts to look over the console and begins to flip some of the switches. KATARINA indicates the unconscious STEVEN.)
KATARINA: You must help Steven!
BRET VYON: Yes, yes, of course I'll help Steven, but we must get back to Earth first. I explained this to the old man, the, er... Doctor.
(BRET unknowingly switches on the scanner.)
KATARINA: We can't go back to Earth, we've left it.
BRET VYON: That means we can get back.
(STEVEN comes round again and watches BRET suspiciously but is too weak to do anything. On the scanner, he sees the DOCTOR approaching the TARDIS.)
BRET VYON: Katarina, are you sure you don't know how to work this?
KATARINA: How could I know? It belongs to the Doctor.
BRET VYON: The old man said this was no ordinary ship... and he was right.
[SCENE_BREAK]
9: EXT. KEMBEL. JUNGLE CLEARING
(The DOCTOR has returned to the clearing and stands outside his craft.)
DOCTOR: So, you'd use physical violence, would you? (Laughs.) You don't know what you've let yourself in for. (Laughs.)
(The DOCTOR walks up to the TARDIS and spots something.)
DOCTOR: Ah, so you've left the key in the door! Well, well! (Laughs.) That's the first big mistake, isn't it? Yes, very foolish... very foolish indeed, young man. Well now, if it's brain, or brawn rather, versus brain, heh, heh, I've got you beaten from the start, young man! (Laughs.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
10: INT. TARDIS. CONSOLE ROOM
(Inside the TARDIS, BRET VYON still stands over the controls of the ship. Suddenly a spanner crashes down on his head and, with a cry, he falls to the floor. STEVEN has managed to raise himself off his divan and attack the agent.)
KATARINA: (Shocked) Steven!
(STEVEN himself falls to the floor, his energy spent on the attack. KATARINA rushes to him.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
11: EXT. KEMBEL. JUNGLE CLEARING
(At the door of the TARDIS, the DOCTOR hears an electronic rumbling noise and looks upwards through the jungle trees at a spaceship flying over.)
DOCTOR: Ha, I wonder if that spaceship has any... anything to do with that violent young man - or any connection with that city below. Yes, there are one or two questions I must have answered.
(He laughs and enters the TARDIS.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
12: INT. KEMBEL. DALEK CITY. RECEPTION AREA
(In an open walled reception area at the edge of the city in the jungle a familiar figure waits - the dark-cased DALEK SUPREME. Another DALEK glides through an entrance door and up to its commander.)
DALEK: Control reports space vessel 1-11 in landing circuit.
DALEK SUPREME: Is all prepared?
DALEK: Everything is ready.
[SCENE_BREAK]
13: INT. TARDIS. CONSOLE ROOM
(In the TARDIS, BRET comes round. His head hurts and he realises that he is sat in a chair. The DOCTOR looks over at him and chuckles.)
DOCTOR: I don't think you'll be able to get out of there in a hurry, my friend? (Laughs.)
(BRET struggles to move to finds that he is stuck fast - even though there are no obvious bindings.)
BRET VYON: What is it?
DOCTOR: Oh, it's a little invention of mine - I call it the magnetic chair. It has a force field strong enough to restrain a herd of elephants, so I wouldn't waste your energy trying to escape, hmm? You will stay there until I direct otherwise.
(He laughs again and turns to KATARINA who still tends to STEVEN who is again unconscious and back on the divan.)
DOCTOR: How is he my dear?
KATARINA: He's asleep.
DOCTOR: Yes. Oh, by the way, I found a city... and just as I was about to ascertain it's locale, that young ruffian set about me.
KATARINA: Can you get help for Steven?
DOCTOR: Oo yes, I hope so, er, er, just a minute, er, er...
(He takes KATARINA aside so that they cannot be overheard by BRET. The DOCTOR indicates him.)
DOCTOR: That, erm... that young man, did he say anything? Hmm?
KATARINA: (Whispers.) No.
DOCTOR: Hmm, that's strange, hmm. Yes, I shall have to cross-examine him when I get back. But don't worry. He's quite safe... he... our guest... is quite unable to move until I press that little switch at the back.
KATARINA: Oh.
DOCTOR: So you're quite safe.
(He turns laughing to a glaring BRET.)
DOCTOR: Whilst he's there, he's quite harmless. (To BRET.) Oh, and, er, quite comfortable I hope?
(The DOCTOR laughs quietly at a simmering BRET and heads for the doors.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
14: EXT. KEMBEL. JUNGLE CLEARING
(The DOCTOR has left the TARDIS and walks through the thick foliage. He avoids a Varga plant and comes across a humanoid skeleton in the trees which is covered in what remains of uniformed clothing.)
DOCTOR: Hmm!
(He looks over the body.)
DOCTOR: Male. I wonder... is this the solar system, hmm?
(Several feet away, he sees Marc Cory's recording device on the jungle floor.)
DOCTOR: That's very strange.
(He picks the device up.)
DOCTOR: Hah, hmm! That's strange indeed. Well, hmm!
(He carries on his way.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
15: EXT. KEMBLE. DALEK CITY
(The same spaceship he saw earlier eases to a landing on a pad on the outskirts of the city. It resembles a flying saucer with upward sticking fins that spin on the ship's edge as it flies. There is a large collection of other diverse ships already parked there.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
16: INT. KEMBEL. DALEK CITY. RECEPTION AREA
(A messenger glides up to the DALEK SUPREME.)
DALEK: Space vessel 111 - touch-down completed.
DALEK SUPREME: Excellent. I will await our guest here.
(The DOCTOR has made his way to the edge of the city and looks round the corner of the outer wall into the reception area. He quickly steps back into cover.)
DOCTOR: (Horrified.) Daleks!
[SCENE_BREAK]
17: INT. TARDIS. CONSOLE ROOM
(BRET VYON, still immobilised in the chair, looks towards STEVEN, who is still unconscious and being tended by KATARINA who wipes his brow.)
BRET VYON: What's the matter with him?
(KATARINA, now knowing him to be an enemy, ignores him.)
BRET VYON: I said, what's the matter with him?
KATARINA: He's sick. The Doctor says he's poisoned in the blood.
BRET VYON: There are some tablets in the pouch of my belt. Give him two.
KATARINA: But you're an enemy.
(KATARINA approaches him.)
KATARINA: The Doctor's gone to get help.
BRET VYON: He won't find any on this planet, believe me. So why not try the tablets? I hate to see anyone die through stupidity.
KATARINA: I do not understand you.
BRET VYON: For heaven's sake, girl! Take the tablets and give them to him!
(KATARINA hesitates, then...)
KATARINA: All right.
BRET VYON: Now you're showing some sense.
(KATARINA points at the pouch of BRET'S belt.)
KATARINA: Here?
BRET VYON: Yes.
(KATARINA hesitates.)
BRET VYON: It's all right, I won't harm you. This chair of the Doctor's seems to be everything he claimed.
(KATARINA reaches into his pouch and takes out a small tube.)
BRET VYON: All right, the tablets are in that tube.
(KATARINA finds the tube, opens it, and looks at the tablets inside in puzzlement.)
KATARINA: Are these tablets?
BRET VYON: (Exasperated.) What do they look like? Take two and put them in his mouth. They dissolve quickly and take effect almost immediately.
(He watches as she hesitantly carries out his instructions. STEVEN breathes and moans as he swallows the tablets.)
BRET VYON: Praise be that you're not nursing me! It's all right. He'll be all right now. You can leave him alone.
KATARINA: If you're wrong, the Doctor will be angry. I've disobeyed him.
BRET VYON: If Steven, or whatever his name is, recovers, you'll be forgiven. And if the Doctor gets back here soon...
(He looks up at the scanner.)
BRET VYON: (In a shocked whisper.) No!
(On the scanner, a DALEK enters the clearing outside the TARDIS...)
[SCENE_BREAK]
18: INT. KEMBEL. DALEK CITY. RECEPTION AREA
(The DOCTOR is still hidden behind a pillar in the reception area, watching the DALEKS.)
DALEK: Our new ally approaches!
(The occupant of the spaceship walks towards the DALEKS.)
DALEK SUPREME: We welcome you as we welcome all allies of the Daleks!
(The newcomer steps forward. It is MAVIC CHEN.)
MAVIC CHEN: I am honoured to be here. And to be part of your plan to conquer Earth and all the planets in the solar system!
(The DALEKS lead him into the city as the DOCTOR scurries away urgently.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
19: EXT. KEMBEL. JUNGLE CLEARING
(The DOCTOR stumbles quickly through the trees. As he approaches the TARDIS, he stops to catch his breath. He sees movement through the trees and hides. He watches from the undergrowth as three DALEKS emerge from around the TARDIS. The DOCTOR looks on in horror as they surround the ship.) | Plan: A: Missing episode; Q: What is the name of the episode that was supposed to be in the year 4000? A: the year 4000; Q: In what year did the Daleks conspire to conquer the Solar System? A: treachery; Q: What is at the highest levels of the Daleks' scheme? A: a weapon; Q: What is the Daleks using to destroy the fabric of time? A: catastrophe; Q: What can only the Doctor and his friends prevent? A: no guarantee; Q: Is there a guarantee that the Doctor and his friends will escape with their lives? Summary: Missing episode In the year 4000, the Daleks conspire to conquer the Solar System. Their scheme involves treachery at the highest levels and a weapon capable of destroying the very fabric of time. Only the Doctor and his friends can prevent catastrophe - and there is no guarantee they will escape with their lives... |
Lucas : (v.o) Previously on One Tree Hill.
[Ext. Tree Hill High-Day]
Brooke runs to Lucas.
-Brooke : Somebody has a gun inside and they're shooting.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Int. Tree Hill High-Class-Day]
Nathan, Haley, Mouth, Rachel and Marcus are in a classroom. Jimmy has a gun.
-Nathan : We're getting out of here, okay?
-Jimmy: Get away from the door.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Int. Tree Hill High-Library-Day]
Lucas is next to Peyton in the library.
-Lucas: We gotta get you somewhere safe. Come on.Lucas stands up but Peyton hold him by the arm.
-Peyton: No, don't leave me, please.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Int. Tree Hill High-Class-Day]
Jimmy point the gun at Nathan, Haley, Mouth...Nathan has a bat.
-Jimmy: You're gonna tape a line down the center of the room. (Jimmy throw Scotch to Nathan.) Go on!
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Int. Tree Hill High-Library-Day]
Lucas and Peyton are sitting on the floor.
-Peyton (crying) : If I say, "I love you" right now, will you hold it against me?
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Int. Tree Hill High-Class-Day]
-Jimmy: Don't push me.
-Marcus: He's not gonna do it!
-Jimmy: Back him up!
-Rachel: Listen to him!
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Succession of scene]
Peyton kisses Lucas and you see Jimmy in the class.
-Jimmy: I promise you! Whoever steps into that hallway is gonna die. You can see Brooke crying outside of the Tree Hill High. In the Library.
-Peyton: It's never gonna be the same. In the class.
-Nathan: This is wrong, man. All of this.
-Rachel: This is your fault.
-Jimmy: I just wanted it to stop.
-Mouth: Just take it all back. Outside.
-Keith (to Dan) : You got to let me try to talk to him. Into the Tree Hill High.
-Keith: Jimmy, please.
-Jimmy: I'm sorry.
-Keith: No! Outside, Brooke's crying in Lucas' arms. Into Tree Hill High, Dan takes the gun on the floor.
-Keith: He's gone, Danny. He's gone.Dan point the gun to Keith and fire to his brother.
FADE TO WHITE: END OF PREVIOUSLY ON: OPENING CREDITS ROLL:
[SCENE_BREAK]
[In a field-Day]
Dan and Keith, child, are in a field. Dan is running to Keith.
-Keith : Over here, Danny. I found something. It's a raven.
-Dan: What's wrong with it ?
-Keith: I think its wing is broken, but we can nurse him back to health. Come on, help me catch him. He'll fly again. You'll see. (Dan throw a stone on the raven).
-Keith: No! Why did you do that? Why did you kill him?
-Dan: He was weak.
-Keith (stand up) : I wanna go home. Keith go at home.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[At the cemetery-Day]
People are in the funeral of Keith.
-Priest: Oh, that I had the wings of a dove! I would fly away and be at rest. My companion attacks his friends, he violates his covenant. His speech is smooth, yet war is in his heart. But you, O God, will bring down the wicked into the pit of corruption. Bloodthirsty and deceitful men will not live out half their days. As for me, I trust in you. And now, we ask for the strength to navigate the stages of our grief as we lay our brother, Keith, to rest. Lucas advances, take earth in his hand and pour on to the coffin.
-Lucas: (v.o) The stages of our grief. Anger, fear, guilt, depression, acceptance. You can see Keith (child), and Dan face.
-Priest : Dan.Dan advances, take earth and throw it on to the coffin.
-Lucas : (v.o) And the first seeds of grief.
[SCENE_BREAK]
~ DENIAL ~
[At the cemetery-Day]
Lucas and Karen are in front of the coffin of Keith. Karen takes Lucas' hand. They're crying and Lucas takes Karen in his arms.
[Scott's house-Bedroom-Day]
Nathan is sitting on the bed and Haley changes.
-Haley: I guess everybody's just gonna change and back to Karen's, okay?
-Nathan: People are definitely gonna change.
-Haley: Will you unzip me?Nathan stand up and go to Haley.
-Nathan: Oh, Haley, I love you. He takes her in his arms.
-Haley: I love you, too.
-Nathan: It's all so uncertain. God, I love you. I don't ever want to come that close to losing you again. I need you to be safe, okay?
-Haley: I told you. I'm not going anywhere. Nathan kisses Haley's neck and Haley turns over and kisses Nathan.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Lucas' house-Day]
Bevin, Skills, Fergie, Brooke, Mouth, Junk and Withey are in the kitchen.
-Bevin: They expected 200 people at his wake. They got, like, 2000.
-Junk: People loved Keith, you know? I was the worst mechanic on the planet, but he gave me a summer job because he knew I needed the money.
-Fergie: We hung out that whole summer talking old-school basketball with him. Me, Skills, Mouth.
-Mouth: And Jimmy. Jim's funeral is on Tuesday.
-Lucas: Jimmy Edwards killed my uncle. Do not talk about him, not in my mother's house.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[On the road-Day]
Dan drives when he slow down because he saw Keith (child) who cross the road with his ball. Keith look at Dan and Dan is frightens.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Lucas' house -Day]
Karen is outside with Keith's cup. Dan is stops in front of the house and looks et Karen. He starts. Peyton comes with crutches, with her father and Bevin go to Peyton.
-Bevin: Peyton, hi!
-Peyton: Hey. Larry go to Lucas who he is with Brooke.
-Larry: Lucas, I'm so sorry. I wanna thank you for saving my little girl. Thank you. Brooke go to Peyton.
-Brooke: Hey, buddy.
-Peyton: Hey.
-Brooke: I'm sorry I haven't checked in lately. I've just been with Lucas and Karen.
-Peyton: No, of course.
-Brooke: I'm glad you're okay. I mean, you're gonna be okay, right?
-Peyton: Yeah, I'm gonna be fine. I just have to do some physical therapy stuff, so...
-Brooke: Okay. Well, can I get you anything? Any food...
-Peyton: No, I'm okay, really. I just came to see Karen.
-Brooke: Okay. Peyton go but Brooke call Peyton.
-Brooke: Peyton. I'm really glad you're okay.Peyton go in front of Lucas who talks to her father.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Scott's house-Bedroom-Day]
Nathan and Haley are in the bed, huddled together.
-Haley: Okay, we are the worst family/friends in the whole world. We really should be at Lucas'.
-Nathan: You're right. Just stay here for a second.
-Haley: Okay.
-Nathan: You know, when I was a kid, I had this morning paper route. And every morning there was this moment, it was right around dawn, and I would just stop, breathe it all in. You could almost feel the magic in the world. But lying here with you, I feel that same stillness. I can almost believe that the world's not as screwed up as I know it is. My mom's coming home. She called.
-Haley: Well, at least now you won't have to live alone in this big giant house.
-Nathan: No, but she will. I want us to live together. I wanna be your husband again, Haley. Haley kisses him.
-Haley: That sounds so good to me. But I have a roommate named Brooke.
-Nathan: That doesn't matter.
-Haley: And our dream schools are 3000 miles away.
-Nathan: Doesn't matter.
-Haley: And neither of us have jobs.
-Nathan: It doesn't matter. You know how long it took me to realize that? The amount of time it takes to pull a trigger. I love you, Haley James, and that's all I need to know. And it doesn't mean it's not gonna be hard. It doesn't mean it's not gonna be confusing, but, whatever it is, we'll face it together.
-Haley: You are quite charming, you know that?
-Nathan: You haven't even seen my A-game.
-Haley: Oh, Lord help me if that's true. Nathan kisses Haley's forehead.
-Haley: It's Scott, by the way. You called me Haley James. Haley James Scott. Haley kisses him.
-Haley: And it always will be. Haley kisses him again.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Int. Tree Hill High-Day]
-Voice in the speaker: Welcome back, students. Today, as we return to our school with heavy hearts, you will note some changes. A the entrance to our school, you will see metal detectors. They are here for you safety. (Lucas comes into the school and saw a picture of Jimmy on the locker). You will see an armed police presence on campus. They are here for your well-being. We can try to make the school safer. We can try to protect you. But there are few precautions that we can take to protect your hearts.Mouth gets to the Jimmy's locker and puts a microphone on the floor. Brooke comes behind Lucas.
-Brooke: Hey.
-Lucas: Hey.
-Brooke: Let's just go to class, okay? Come on.
-Lucas: Hey, just...
-Voice in the speaker: I want to urge you all to reach out...
-Lucas: Give me one second.
-Voice: ...to your teachers and counselors today. Form grief circles and talk about it. If you're feeling scared, if you're feeling vulnerable or confused, don't keep it insides. Let it out.
Lucas go to Jimmy's locker and give a big blow of feet in the flower who are putting on the floor and tear out of the picture.
-Voice: You are not alone. And this is your school.
[SCENE_BREAK]
~ ANGER ~
[Nathan and Haley's apartment-Day]
Brooke opens the box where there is the material for Karen's wedding dress. Haley came in her apartment.
-Haley: Hey, roommate.
-Brooke: Hey. This is the saddest thing. It's the material for Karen's wedding dress, I ordered it the morning...
-Haley: Yeah. Listen, I have some good news.
-Brooke: Okay.
-Haley: Nathan and I want to be together again. Like, for real.
-Brooke: Haley, that's awesome.
-Haley: Yeah, it king of sucks, though. I gonna miss you. You've become a really good friend.
-Brooke: Yeah, you, too. When am I losing you?
-Haley: Soon as we can find an apartment, you know.
-Brooke: Okay.
-Haley: Yeah.
-Brooke: Whenever that is, you go be happy. Life's too short, you know?
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Peyton's bedroom-Day]
Peyton is sitting on her bed and her father come.
-Larry: Hey, kiddo. How'd you do at school?
-Peyton: Fine, just tired.
-Larry: Well, the doctor said that would happen, so, you know, just take it slow. Can I get you anything?
-Peyton: No, I'm fine.
-Larry: Okay. Listen, I canceled my next run.
-Peyton: Dad, you can't protect me every second of every day.
-Larry: Well, that sucks. I never want to feel the way I felt when I got that call saying my baby girl was on the way to the hospital. I got one other call like that in my life. That's two too many. How much allowance am I giving you, anyway?
-Peyton: Ellie gave me those albums. I just can't bring my self to play them.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Lucas' house-Bedroom-Night]
Lucas is stretch out on his bed and his phone ring. He look at his phone and read the message who say: "Tree Hill High, you need this".
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Int. Tree Hill High-In the hall-Night]
Lucas comes to school who Rachel wait him.
-Rachel: Hey, Luke.
-Lucas: Rachel. You send me this?
-Rachel: Maybe.
-Lucas: What are you doing? Rachel removes the "y" of the school's sign who say "This is your school".
-Rachel: Nobody has all the answers, but we all have our "why's". Like, why did this happen? Why didn't we see it coming? Why do people watch American Idol? Come on. After Rachel has removed the "y", it's written 'This is our school". Rachel comes in Tree Hill High with Lucas who a party was organize.
-Rachel: Welcome to detention. Rachel and Lucas go to Brooke and Mouth.
-Brooke: Hi, boyfriend.
-Lucas: Do you really think a party is appropriate, Brooke?
-Brooke: It's not a party. It's more of a cleansing for every kid in this school. You know, everybody's here, everybody's invited, everybody's together. So just check it out, okay? We've got co-ed bathrooms, science lab for drugs and pharmaceuticals, Health class for condoms and people probably using them, Spanish class has kick-ass margaritas, and there's the tutor center. Anybody who needs a little extra help. Tonight, we're all together, and we stop judging each other and let everybody heal their own way. If you need to do this alone, I understand. But if you need me, I'm here. Lucas don't answer and go away.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Int. Tree Hill High-Library-Night]
Peyton is sitting and Lucas joins Peyton.
-Peyton: Hey.
-Lucas: You know, we should really stop meeting up like this.
-Peyton: I never did thank you.
-Lucas: Hey, it's okay.
-Peyton: God, I'm such a girl.
-Lucas: You love me.
-Peyton: Okay, that is so not fair.
-Lucas: You probably just want to kiss me again.
-Peyton: Dude, shut up! Okay, I kissed you, but I...I thought I was gonna die and you took care of me. So, you know, we...
-Lucas: Yeah. I know. If I told you loved you, would you hold it against me?
-Peyton: Luke, when I said that...
-Lucas: Because I do, Peyton. But it's okay, because there's this other girl. I mean, you might know her, her name's Brooke Davis and I am completely in love with her.
-Peyton: You don't know how good it is to hear you say that. 'Cause I thought everything was gonna get weird again and I really don't want it to. We're okay, right? You and me, we're good? All right. I should go. She's standing up and takes her crutches.
-Lucas: Peyton, I'm sorry about your mom. Both moms. I don't feel like I've been there for you the way I should have, and I'm just sorry for that.
-Peyton: You know how proud Keith must be of you, right now?
-Lucas: I don't know if that's true.
-Peyton: It is. Let Brooke help you out with this, okay? Don't shut her out.
-Lucas: Why, did she say something to you?
-Peyton: No, I just...I know how you are. I'm the same way. She gave you her heart, Luke. You should give yours back. I'll se you.
-Lucas: Okay. Hey, don't kiss anybody out there.
-Peyton: You suck, you know that? Peyton go away.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Int. Tree Hill High-In the hall-Night]
Brooke joins Lucas.
-Brooke: Hey, wanna come dance with me?
-Gars: Everybody head to lockdown, I got a shooter here. Shooters in the hallway. Come on, everybody. Lucas catch the guy to the collar and linchpin on the wall.
-Lucas: Pull your head out of your ass and show some respect. Lucas go away.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Ext. Tree Hill High-Night]
Lucas comes out and Brooke catch him up.
-Brooke: Lucas! Please stay!
-Lucas: I can't, Brooke. It's not right!
-Brooke: Why not?
-Lucas: You wouldn't understand. You weren't here. Mouth and Rachel join them.
-Brooke: I may not have been inside that school, but that doesn't mean that I wasn't there. It doesn't mean that I don't carry that day around with me like everybody else.
-Rachel: I was there. And if a party helps to bring us all together and helps everyone to deal with it, then why not?
-Lucas: Rachel, you know that this is wrong. Somebody died in that hallway.
-Mouth: No, Luke. Two people died.
-Lucas: I'm sorry, Brooke. I know you're trying to help me with this, and I love you for it, but I...I just...I can't, okay? Lucas go away.
[SCENE_BREAK]
~ FEAR ~
[Lucas' house-Bedroom-Night]
Lucas is sitting on his bed and throw his ball against the wall. Skills comes.
-Skills: What's up, my brother?
-Lucas: Nothing.
-Skills: So, listen, the guys talked and decided. We're not gonna go to Jimmy's funeral tomorrow. I mean, Mouth's kind of tore up about it, but we all loved Keith. It just don't deem right.
-Lucas: You think there's a heaven, Skills?
-Skills: Do I think there's a heaven?
-Lucas: Yeah, you know, like pearly gates and angels?
-Skills: I don't know about all that. Maybe some chrome gates and some freaky angels. No, but I think there's something else out there. And I do think that whatever we do in this world matters en the next.
-Lucas: Yeah, before you came in, I was thinking about Edwards. How he could take Keith's life.
-Skills: Luke, he wasn't right, dawg. Jimmy was sick.
-Lucas: So, if that's true, is heaven the kind of place that'll hold that against someone? You know, because if not, Jimmy's a victim, too. And right now, in your world beyond this one, Jimmy and Keith are in the same place. I can't figure out what kind of place that would be.
-Skills: It's a place you and I wouldn't understand.
-Lucas: Or a place that doesn't exist.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Int. Tree Hill High-In the hall-Night]
Nathan and Haley are huddled together and dancing.
-Haley: God, I love this song. You think that's okay? To, like, love a song and feel good when you hear it? And, like, laugh and be happy? To be so in love with somebody your heart aches? I mean, is that okay right now or is it just too soon?
-Nathan: It's never, never too soon to feel like that. Nathan kisses her.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Scott's house-Night]
Dan is sleeping and he hears a voice.
-Voice: Danny... (Dan opens his eyes). Danny, I'm waiting. He hears a noise and jumps.
-Voice: Why'd you do this to me? You see Keith (child) at the bedroom's door. Dan turns on the light but there's no one.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Lucas' house-Night]
Karen tidies up Keith's things when Dan comes.
-Dan: I saw the light.
-Karen: I doubt it.
-Dan: Truth be told, I couldn't sleep. Can I help you?
-Karen: No, Dan. You can't help me. You were horrible to Keith. Is it any wonder you can't sleep?
-Dan: Doesn't mean I didn't love him.
-Karen: Well, that's great, Dan. But how does it feel to know you can never take any of it back? That for the rest of your life, all you'll have is regret over a relationship you could have repaired with a few kind words. But you couldn't even find it in your heart to do it.
-Dan: Maybe I'll find those words with Lucas.
-Karen: Don't push me, Dan!
-Dan: Come on, Karen. He's old enough to make his own decisions. Like when he went back into that school. Or when he pulled me out of the dealership fire. Dan go out of the house.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Lucas' house-Bedroom-Night]
Lucas is sitting on his bed and he looks at a picture of him and Keith when Karen opens his door.
-Karen: Did you pull Dan out of the fire?
-Lucas: Mom...
-Karen: Did you?
-Lucas: Yes.
-Karen: You selfish, stupid boy. Did you think about me? Just once, think about me, and what my life would be like if I lost you? Running into burning buildings, high school with guns. Did I raise an idiot?
-Lucas (crying) : I know! Okay, I know! It's my fault! If I didn't go back in there, Keith would still be here. And I know that. And I'm sorry.
-Karen: Well, sorry isn't gonna bring him back, is it? Karen go out of the Lucas' bedroom.
[SCENE_BREAK]
~ GUILT ~
[Int. Tree Hill High-In the hall-Night]
Micro puts back Jimmy's picture of him locker and Rachel comes.
-Rachel: You have to let it go, Mouth. It's not your fault.
-Mouth: I wasn't thinking that.
-Rachel: Yes, you were. You have this ridiculous notion that because you were friends once, you could have saved him.
-Mouth: What's so ridiculous about that?
-Rachel: Because you couldn't have.
-Mouth: I was his best friend, Rachel.
-Rachel: How many times did the guy call you in the last year? Come on, look around. Everybody's here tonight. Geeks, stoners, jocks, maybe a few old friends who forget to stay in touch. That's how it's gonna change.
-Mouth: But everyone's still divided. We stick to these rigid circles of friends based on sports we play, or hobbies we like, or how attractive or unattractive we are. When's that gonna change?
-Rachel: Honestly? Probably never. Look, it's human nature. People stick to their own kind. But if you want it to change, then change it. I'll help you.
-Mouth: How?
-Rachel: Dance with me. Mouth and Rachel go dancing.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Int. Tree Hill High-In a class-Night]
Brooke comes in the class where Nathan and Haley are sitting.
-Brooke: Hey.
-Haley: Hey. -Brooke (gives a key to Haley): Here.
-Haley: What is this?
-Brooke: It's my door key. Actually, it's your door key.
-Haley: Brooke, it's your place.
-Brooke: No. It's always been your place. Both of yours. I was just keeping it warm until you came to your senses.
-Nathan: Thank you, Brooke.
-Haley: Thanks.
-Nathan: How's Lucas doing?
-Brooke: I don't know, he left. I'm just trying to give him his space, but it's hard, you know?
-Nathan: Yeah.
-Brooke: Anyway, you kids be happy. One of these days, you'll make the rest of us believe in true love. Brooke go away and leaves them.
-Haley: I wanna go find Lucas.
-Nathan: Okay, let's go.
-Haley: Okay. Nathan and Haley stand up.
-Nathan: Hey, hold on. Nathan bends down and removes the scotch who is stick on the floor.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Succession of scene]
Dan comes in Keith's tomb. Lucas is in his car and crying, then Karen has the adoption request that Keith had did for Lucas. Brooke is in the school as well as Peyton, Nathan and Haley, and Karen running in Keith's arms. Lucas is in his car crying again.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Int. Tree Hill High-In the hall-Night]
Mouth and Rachel are dancing again. Rachel to free from Mouth, look him and kiss him.
-Mouth: Why did you do that?
-Rachel: because I don't think that you're gonna like me 10 seconds from now.
-Mouth: But...
-Rachel: I released the time capsule. It's not your fault, Mouth. It's mine.
-Mouth: You're right. I don't like you. Mouth go furious.
[SCENE_BREAK]
~ DEPRESSION ~
[Karen's cafe-Night]
Lucas is sitting at the bar when Nathan and Haley come.
-Haley: Hey.
-Lucas: Here. I'm taking my predictions back. Not gonna come true now, anyway. Not without Keith.
-Haley: Luke...
-Lucas: My mom thinks that this was my fault.
-Haley: She would not say that.
-Lucas: Yeah, well, she pretty much did. We shouldn't have gone back into that school.
-Haley: She's wrong. Luke, Keith would've gone back into that school if you were in there or not, because that is who he was. That is not your fault.
-Nathan: Hey, she's right, Luke. You did what he did. You went back in there so to save a life. Otherwise, we might've been at Peyton's funeral.
-Lucas: And I couldn't save Keith.
-Nathan: And neither could I.
-Haley (crying) : He loved you a lot, Luke. Just like we do. And so does Brooke. You think none of your predictions are gonna come true? Look at the first one o your list. "This year, I'll try again with Brooke."
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Int. Tree Hill High-Night]
Lucas comes in school where there is no one but...
-Lucas: Brooke? Brooke!
-Withey: She's gone.
-Lucas: Coach, I can explain it all.
-Withey: That wouldn't matter, seeing as how I'm not here right now. Not that I approve of any of this, but I guess kids getting drunk in school beats kids getting killed. Been meaning to talk to you. Truth of the matter is, I've been busy crying like a baby.
-Lucas: They were gonna get married. Keith was gonna be my dad.
-Withey: He was your dad, no matter what any science or paper said. He was the man who influenced your life more than anybody else. I saw it in you every day.
-Lucas: I just want him to come back. I just want him to come home. It's not fair. -Withey: I'm gonna tell you something. When my wife died, things got pretty dark there for a while. Nobody could talk to me. And then, one of my former players, kid may have been the worst player I ever coached, waded into that darkness and pulled me to safety. That kids name was Keith Scott. He said, "Coach, I know you want some answers. But what is the right answer? Because there is no answer. There's just life." Just life. Lucas, be the man that Keith taught you to be. Anything less will make this a much greater tragedy than it already is. Withey go away.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[At the cemetery-Night]
Dan is in front ok Keith's tomb.
-Voice: Dan. Dan turns round and saw Keith (child) running.
-Voice: Why did you do this to me?
-Dan: It's not gonna work, you know? I'm not gonna carry this around with me. I did what I did, and it's done!
-Voice: Dan.
-Dan: So you come around all you want, ghost. You won't scare me. As a matter of fact, tonight I'm gonna sleep like a baby, and you wanna know why? Because you started this war. I just finished it. I just finished it. Dan spits on tomb and go away.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Nathan and Haley's apartment-Night]
Nathan and Haley go to their bedroom. On the wall, there's written "Welcome back". In their bedroom, Haley finds a word on the bed and Karen's wedding dress material.
-Haley: This is Karen's wedding dress material. If only it were raining.
-Nathan: I can take care of that. Come on. Nathan and Haley go outside.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Peyton's house-Night]
Peyton's dad look at the window, Peyton comes. He opens the door.
-Peyton: Hey.
-Larry: Do you know a Pete from Freak Out Boy? Tattoos, goofy grin, about as tall as a fire hydrant?
-Peyton: fall Out Boy.
-Larry: Yeah, whatever. I can't believe I'm about to say this to my high-school-age daughter, but he is waiting in that limo. Don't be long.
-Peyton: Okay. Larry go to his home and Peyton go to the limo.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Scott's house-Night]
Dan is in his bed and don't sleep.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Int. Tree Hill High-Night]
Withey cleans the floor.
[SCENE_BREAK]
~ ACCEPTANCE ~
[On the pitch-Night]
Nathan and Haley are sitting in the middle of the pitch.
-Nathan: I want you to know something. If anything ever happens to me, if you ever lose me...
-Haley: Nathan.
-Nathan: I want you t know how happy you made me. How wonderful my life was with you. And I will always be with you.
-Haley: Nothing's gonna happen to you.
-Nathan: I know. I know, you're right. But if it does, I just want you to be okay, Haley. And know that you made me happy. Haley crying and the jet worked.
-Nathan: You wanted rain.
-Haley: It is not possible to be this in love. Haley kisses him.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Lucas' house-Bedroom-Night]
Brooke is stretch out of the bed when Lucas comes and saw her.
-Lucas: hey, pretty girl.
-Brooke: Hey. I was gonna sleep in my car, but I heard a noise and I think it was a bear or something.
-Lucas: Well, where were you parked?
-Brooke: Right outside here.
-Lucas: Well, have I told you how much I love you today?
-Brooke: Not really.
-Lucas: Well, I do. And even when I don't tell you, it means a lot to me to know you're there. It means everything.
-Brooke: I am here. We both are.
-Lucas: I know. And it's good being here. Especially with you.
-Brooke: I wish that it was me. I know that's horrible and I know that's selfish, but I watched you rescue Peyton, and you told me you rescued Dan, and sometimes I just wish you could rescue me.
-Lucas: From what?
-Brooke: From all of it.
-Lucas: Okay, then. I will. If you promise to rescue me back...
-Brooke: I promise. Lucas kisses her.
-Brooke: There's something else I need to do.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Peyton's house-Night]
Brooke comes to Peyton's house.
-Brooke: Hey, buddy.
-Peyton: Hey.
-Brooke: How's the leg?
-Peyton: Oh, it'll be okay. How's the boy?
-Brooke: I'll be okay.
-Peyton: Oh!
-Brooke: I'm sorry, Peyton.
-Peyton: Why?
-Brooke: Because I shouldn't have left you there. I thought that you were behind me...
-Peyton: Brooke, don't...
-Brooke: No. I should've made sure.
-Peyton: Okay. You're my best friend, and you wanna know what made me feel better when I was trapped in that library? It was knowing that Brooke's okay. You know, my best friend, she's safe.
-Brooke: I love you for that, P. Sawyer. But there was something else that made you feel better in that library. My boyfriend. And I guess I can't hold it against him, can I? I mean, the boy I love protected the girl I love. That's the girl that he loves, too.
-Peyton: Brooke...
-Brooke: No, we both know it's true.
-Peyton: Okay. Look, come here, no...Come here. (Peyton stands up). All right. I want you to listen to me. I care about Lucas, and I always will, but he's insanely in love with you. You know why? So am I. You're my Brooke! I'm not gonna hurt you again.
-Brooke: Okay, 'cause I really don't want to hurt again.
-Peyton: Come here. Peyton takes Brooke in her arms.
-Peyton: You're something, you know that? I get shot and you're the one that needs consoling.
-Brooke: Sorry. You want a lift?
-Peyton: Yes, I do!
-Brooke: Okay.
-Peyton: Hold on. Peyton takes up Brooke's back.
-Peyton: Pleas don't fall!
-Brooke: No, I got you. I got you.
-Peyton: Am I that heavy?-Brooke: No, I got you.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Peyton's bedroom-Night]
Larry tidies up Peyton's CDs. Brooke and Peyton came and laughing.
-Peyton: Okay.
-Larry: Oh, boy. Peyton and Brooke stops laughing when they saw Larry's work.
-Peyton: Dad. What did you do?
-Larry: I know your room's like some holy land, forbidden to fathers, but I thought I'd make you some shelves. You know, sweetie, people will things that have given them great happiness in their life. Things that have helped them make sense of the world. I'm sure that Ellie hoped that when you played these albums, that you would remember her. And she would be with you in the music.
-Peyton: Thank you. But where's my bed?
-Larry: I don't think you have room for a queen-sized bed. I'm bringing two singles in here. ? Now that Brooke's moving in.
-Brooke: What? Really?
-Larry: Best friends should stick together. Welcome home. Larry go.
-Brooke: This is gonna be amazing! I have to teach you the scrunchie system...
-Peyton: No, no, no, no. No nudity in our room, okay? But speaking of boys...Tonight, after the party, I hooked up with Pete from Fall Out Boy. We made out!
-Brooke: Oh, Peyton, we're gonna find you a boyfriend, honey, you don't have to lie about it.
-Peyton: No, I...
-Brooke: Now, how do you feel about a round bed?
-Peyton: Whatever you say, roommate.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Lucas' house-Day]
Karen is in the kitchen and she cleans Keith's cup when this one fall in the sink and broken. Karen want to get back this and cuts oneself. Lucas comes in the kitchen.
-Lucas: Hey, Mom, you okay? Karen turns back and saw Lucas with a black dinner suit.
-Karen: What are you doing?
-Lucas: It's what Keith would've wanted.
-Karen: Absolutely not. You got to your room and you change.
-Lucas: No.
-Karen: I said, go change.
-Lucas: It's what Keith would want. Lucas go away and Karen's crying.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Lucas, Mouth, Skills, Fergie and Junk are on the road to go to Jimmy's funeral. At the cemetery, Jimmy's mother are here. Lucas, Mouth, Skills, Junk and Fergie came and Lucas takes Jimmy's mother in his arms. | Plan: A: Jimmy Edwards; Q: Who died in the school shooting? A: their lives; Q: What do the students in Tree Hill have to examine after the school shooting? A: Nathan; Q: Who reassesses his relationship with Haley? A: Rachel; Q: Who does Brooke join forces with to heal the student body? A: Dan; Q: Who must deal with the ramifications of killing Keith? A: the implications; Q: What do Lucas and Peyton consider about their kiss in the library? A: The Texas Chain Saw Massacre; Q: What movie is the title of this episode based on? A: Massacre; Q: What is the tagline of the 1974 horror movie The Texas Chain Saw? Summary: The aftermath of the school shooting and the death of Jimmy Edwards force everyone in Tree Hill to examine their lives. Nathan reassesses his relationship with Haley, while Brooke and Rachel join forces to heal the student body. Dan must deal with the ramifications of killing Keith. Lucas and Peyton consider the implications of their kiss in the library. This episode is named after an album by Murder by Death . The title is also the tagline of the 1974 horror movie The Texas Chain Saw Massacre . |
"In a land of myth and a time of magic, the destiny of a great kingdom rests on the shoulders of a young man. His name...Merlin".
FIELD - DAY
Merlin, dressed as a knight, is running. Armed men are running after him. Merlin heads into the woods and keeps running until he reaches a dead end in a narrow pass. He stops and turns to face his pursuers, who are now slowly walking towards him. A man, who appears to be the leader, stands out of the pursuers.
Leader: Trapped...are we? An arrow hits one of the pursuers. Everyone looks up to see Camelot's knights on either sides of the pass.
Merlin (smiling): That's the idea. King Arthur (jumping down on the ground): On me!
[SCENE_BREAK]
OPENING TITLES
[SCENE_BREAK]
FOREST - DAY
Agravaine is dragging along the leader of the prisoners towards King Arthur.
Agravaine: Your Majesty. Look what we have here.
King Arthur: He comes with us. We'll deal with the prisoners when we get back to Camelot.
Agravaine: I fear this is no ordinary prisoner, Your Highness. He pulls a necklace out from the leader's neck and hands it over to Arthur.
King Arthur: Well, well.
Merlin: What is it?
King Arthur: This, Merlin, is the royal crest of Caerleon. Is it not (facing the leader)...Your Highness?
FOREST, CAMPFIRE - NIGHT
King Arthur: This is not the first time he's trespassed on our lands.
Agravaine: No, sire. Only last week he seized the village of Stonedown on the western borders.
King Arthur: We're not on the borders now, Agravaine. This is the heart of the kingdom. He took a grave risk coming here.
Agravaine: Perhaps he doesn't see it that way. I fear it's no coincidence that all this has happened since Uther's death.
King Arthur: What do you mean?
Agravaine: Arthur, your father was a strong king. His enemies feared and respected that strength.
King Arthur: Are you saying I'm not worthy of that respect?
Agravaine: No, sire, not at all. There isn't a citizen of Camelot who would not lay down their life for you. But your enemies...to the enemies of Camelot, you are still untested as a king. You must send a clear message that any action against Camelot will be met without mercy.
King Arthur: Did we not achieve that here today?
Agravaine: No, sire. Not enough.
Merlin is cooking dinner and he is listening to the conversation.
Agravaine: Not enough to deter the likes of Odin and Bayard and the countless others who covet Camelot's wealth.
King Arthur: Well, what do you suggest?
Agravaine: I suggest... I suggest that we force him to accept a treaty on our terms. He must withdraw his men from our land, return our territories to us. He must surrender Everwick.
King Arthur: He'd rather die than agree to such terms.
Agravaine: Then you are left with no choice.
King Arthur: I can't just kill a man in cold blood.
Agravaine: Arthur, you must do what you need to do to assert your authority on this land.
King Arthur: Well, there must be another way.
Agravaine: There's no other way. Think on it. Decide by tomorrow. Agravaine leaves.
Merlin: Arthur...
King Arthur: Not now, Merlin.
FOREST - DAY
Merlin wakes up and brings a glass to Arthur, who is still thinking about the decision he has to make.
Merlin: Arthur? Arthur. Here.
King Arthur (takes the glass): Thank you.
Merlin: You must be cold (kneels by the fire) Have you not slept at all?
King Arthur: Been thinking.
Merlin: About what Agravaine said? Arthur nods.
Merlin: So, what are you going to do?
King Arthur: My father was a great king, but I don't have his wisdom or his conviction. I can only follow his example and do what he would've done.
Merlin: You're going to draw up this treaty?
King Arthur (nods): I have to show my strength. Show that I'm worthy of my father's name.
Merlin: Caerleon won't sign it. You know that?
King Arthur: Caerleon brought this upon himself.
Merlin: Arthur, you've always shown mercy in battle. You've never sought to humiliate your enemy in this way. This isn't like you. This isn't who you are.
King Arthur: You have no idea what it is to make these decisions. Decisions that will shape the future of this land.
Merlin: Arthur...
King Arthur: So, please...stick to what you do know. Arthur gets up and leaves.
FOREST - DAY
Clearing. Merlin and the knights watch the scene. Agravaine hands the treaty scroll to King Caerleon. King Caerleon (does not take the scroll): What is this? Agravaine hands the scroll to Sir Leon who opens it.
King Caerleon: You expect me to sign this? To humiliate myself before you?
Agravaine: You invaded our kingdom and took what did not belong to you.
King Caerleon: And if I do not sign?
Agravaine: Then you will pay with your life.
King Caerleon: And who makes these terms?
King Arthur: Arthur Pendragon...(Arthur walks forward)...King of Camelot. Caerleon steps forward.
King Caerleon: Very well. Then make it quick. King Caerleon kneels.
King Arthur: Think what you're doing, Caerleon. This treaty could seal a truce between us. There would be peace. Like there was between your father and mine.
King Caerleon: I am not my father. And you are not Uther. Do you really have the guts to kill me?
King Arthur: You leave me no choice.
King Caerleon: You do not choose anything, boy. It is I who choose to die and I alone. Now, get on with it. King Caerleon bows his head down.
King Arthur: So be it. Agravaine smirks. Merlin shakes his head.
KING'S PALACE, CORRIDOR - DAY
Gaius watches through a window Arthur, Merlin, and the knights dismount in the square.
KING'S PALACE, CORRIDOR - DAY
Agravaine walks with Arthur to his chambers.
Agravaine: Your resolve has already earned the respect of both the council and the people alike. Your father would be proud of you.
King Arthur: Thank you, Uncle. I don't know what I'd have done without your support and counsel. Arthur enters his chambers where Guinevere is waiting for him. They hug. Agravaine makes a face. Merlin enters with Arthur's pack.
King Arthur: Did you miss me?
Guivevere: Yes.
KING'S PALACE, ARTHUR'S CHAMBERS - DAY
Merlin is unpacking. Arthur is washing up.
Merlin (about King Caerleon's execution): Can't have been easy having a man killed like that.
King Arthur: I had no choice. Show of strength was necessary.
Merlin: Don't you think compassion can also show strength?
King Arthur: Not for the likes of Caerleon, no. No, an example had to be made for the good of the kingdom.
Merlin: So, you don't regret what you did?
King Arthur: My conscience is clean, Merlin, which is more than I can say for my room. So, just do your job, will you?
Merlin: Look, I'm just saying, if there's something bothering you, you can talk to me. You shouldn't push your friends away, you know! Not now. Not when you need them the most.
King Arthur: You're wrong, Merlin. I don't need anyone. I can't afford that luxury. The kingdom's my responsibility now. Mine to bear alone. And you must learn to accept that.
CAERLEON'S CASTLE - DAY
King Caerleon's body is being brought to his castle. His wife, Queen Annis, uncovers the body. She is shocked by what she sees.
Queen Annis: This...this is no battle wound! This is the work of cowards! Arthur will pay for this, by God! The whole of Camelot will pay for this!
KING'S PALACE, COUNCIL CHAMBER
Arthur sits alone at the table, reading documents. Someone knocks on the door.
King Arthur: Come. Agravaine enters.
Agravaine: I am sorry to disturb you, my Lord.
King Arthur: Something the matter, Uncle?
Agravaine: I dare to hope that my advice has been of some use these past months.
King Arthur: Of course it has. You know that.
Agravaine: There is something I wish to discuss with you. But...it is a delicate matter.
King Arthur: Yes?
Agravaine: It concerns Guinevere.
King Arthur: What about her?
Agravaine: She's a beautiful woman, Sire, and possessed of many fine qualities, I have no doubt. But she is a servant.
King Arthur: That doesn't matter to me.
Agravaine: Nor to me. I assure you. No, it's your people that concern me. Arthur looks uncomfortable.
King Arthur: Well, surely as king, I can do as I see fit.
Agravaine: No, sire, you cannot. You must do what is expected of you. You must present yourself in an appropriate manner. The people...your people do not wish to see their king with the daughter of a blacksmith.
King Arthur: This isn't a matter of state. This is a matter of the heart.
Agravaine: You cannot rule the kingdom with your heart, Arthur. Your father understood that. Agravaine sits down next to Arthur.
Agravaine: You didn't want to kill Caerleon, I know that. But you were strong. You didn't let those emotions cloud your judgement. You ruled with your head like a strong king must.
King Arthur: Yes.
Agravaine: And now you must show that strength again. Set aside your personal feelings for the good of your kingdom.
King Arthur: Set aside my feelings for Guinevere...
Agravaine: I'm afraid so, my Lord. Arthur considers the advice unhappily.
CAMELOT - DAY
A messenger rides to Camelot.
TRAINING GROUNDS - DAY
Arthur is furiously hitting a punching bag that Merlin is holding for him.
Merlin: You seem tense.
King Arthur: What do you mean "tense"?
Merlin: You know...agitated, on edge, angry.
King Arthur: This is not anger, Merlin (punches stronger and stronger) This...is...controlled...aggression! Arthur punches the bag so hard that it is knocked off its chains. Merlin falls to the ground.
Merlin: Great. I'm glad we cleared that up. Sir Leon arrives.
Sir Leon: Sire. A messenger this minute arrived.
King Arthur: What is it?
Sir Leon: An army. They crossed our border at first light.
King Arthur: An army? Whose army?
Sir Leon: Caerleon's Queen.
KING'S PALACE, COUNCIL CHAMBER - DAY
King Arthur: At a forced march, Caerleon's men will reach Camelot by sundown tomorrow, which means we have no choice. We must intercept them before they can breach the walls of the kingdom. That way we hold the high ground. The knights of Camelot make ready as I speak. We ride at dawn.
Agravaine: Long live the king!
Assembly: Long live the king! Long live the king! Long live the king!.
CAERLEON'S CASTLE, TUNNELS - NIGHT
Morgana arrives outside Caerleon's castle. She magics a door to the tunnels open and enters. A guard stops her.
Guard: Halt! Another guard appears.
Morgana: Please. I mean you know harm. I wish only to speak with your Queen.
CAERLEON'S CASTLE, THRONE ROOM - NIGHT
The guards escort Morgana into the throne room. One of them pulls her hood off.
Queen Annis: Morgana Pendragon. Stealing into my castle in the dead of night. You must have a death wish.
Morgana: Sorry for the interruption Your Majesty, but I've come on urgent business.
Queen Annis: What business could you possibly have with me?...witch.
Morgana: I come in the name of my father.
Queen Annis: Is that so? When last I heard, you and he were...
Morgana: I speak not of Uther, but of Gorlois.
Queen Annis: Gorlois?
Morgana: Uther is my father by blood alone. Gorlois raised me as a child. He made me who I am.
Queen Annis: I remember him well. He was a good man. An honourable man.
Morgana: He was, Your Highness. And his sole reward was death, betrayed by his king.
Queen Annis: Well, then. It seems we have both lost something at the hands of a Pendragon. Queen Annis stands up and approaches Morgana.
Queen Annis: Now, for the last time, what are you doing here?
Morgana: Your Highness... Morgana walks up to Queen Annis, and bows down to her knees.
Morgana: Your Highness, Uther was a curse upon this land, as is his son. I seek revenge for the wounds they have inflicted, as do you. If you will accept it, I've come to offer my help.
KING'S PALACE, ARTHUR'S CHAMBERS - NIGHT
Merlin prepares Arthur's bed while Arthur puts a cloak on.
Merlin: Off again? Another week in the wilderness. Eating weird animals, being eaten by weird animals. No hot water, no baths. This will be the last time either of us get to sleep in a proper bed.
King Arthur: Merlin, I'm prepared to face all manner of horrors in this world, but if you think I'm sharing this bed with you...
Merlin (laughs): What? No, that's not what I meant.
King Arthur: Right. Good. Comfort to know.
Merlin: Where are you going?
King Arthur: That's my business. And Merlin, don't be here when I come back. Arthur leaves, pulling the hood on.
LOWER TOWN - NIGHT
Arthur is walking to Guinevere's house. A guard spots him.
Guard: Halt! Declare yourself! Arthur stops. He turns around and pulls the hood off.
Guard: I'm sorry, Sire. Forgive me.
King Arthur: No harm done. The guard bows and turns back. Arthur continues on to Guinevere's and knocks on her door. She opens the door and smiles.
Guinevere: Arthur.
King Arthur: May I come in?
Guinevere: Of course.
GWEN'S HOUSE - NIGHT
Guinevere: Can I get you anything? Something to eat?
King Arthur: I'm fine, thanks.
Arthur closes the door and faces her.
King Arthur: I won't be staying long.
Guinevere: Oh. Arthur stands awkwardly and Gwen waits with a smile.
King Arthur: Guinevere...please believe me when I say that you've done nothing wrong. Gwen is confused.
King Arthur: And that none of this...has anything to do with you.
Guinevere: None of what? I don't understand.
King Arthur: Things have changed for me. With my father gone, it falls to me to rule this land.
Guinevere: I know what a responsibility that must be.
King Arthur: And now that I'm king...it's no longer relevant what I may or may not want for myself. My only duty is to the people of this land. I'll be judged by my actions. Who I'm seen with.
Guinevere (surprised): You're ashamed to be seen with me?
King Arthur: No! (Arthur shakes his head, beginning to have difficulty keeping his composure) No...but now that I'm king, it's not appropriate.
Guinevere (hurt): I'm not...appropriate?
King Arthur: It seems not. Guinevere, astounded, gets closer to Arthur.
Guinevere: Arthur...listen to yourself. This doesn't sound like the man I know. You've been talked into this, haven't you?
King Arthur: I haven't been talked into anything. I'm my own man. I make my own decisions.
Guinevere (crying): And you decided we can't be together?
King Arthur: Yes.
Guinevere: I see. (looks at Arthur).
King Arthur: I'm sorry, Guinevere. It's just the way it has to be. Arthur turns to leave.
Guinevere: Arthur (he stops and looks at her). Don't let anyone tell you what to do. You said you are your own man. You have a good heart. Be true to it. Only then will you be the king you want to be. Arthur considers her for a moment, then exits. She sheds a tear.
KING'S PALACE, CORRIDOR - DAY
Guinevere and Gaius watch Arthur and his army riding out of the palace from a corridor window.
Gaius: Don't worry, Gwen. They'll be back soon, I'm sure.
Guinevere: It's different this time, though, isn't it? Arthur's king now. The fate of Camelot rests on shoulders alone.
Gaius: Oh, he's not alone, Gwen. You above all people should know that.
Guinevere: I do know that, but I'm not sure he does.
FIELD - DAY
Arthur stands alone on the edge of a cliff, looking down at the enemy's army. Agravaine steps up beside him.
King Arthur: Make sure the men have everything they need. They must be well rested by morning.
Agravaine: I'll see to it, Sire.
King Arthur: The battle commences at first light. Agravaine walks away.
CAMELOT CAMP - NIGHT
Arthur watches the Round Table knights from his tent as they talk around the campfire. Leon tussles Merlin's hair and the knights chuckle.
Sir Elyan: ...an army. King Arthur clearly longs for their camaraderie. Merlin notices Arthur watching and his smile fades slightly. The others notice and look over. Arthur is caught and tries to cover.
King Arthur: We should all get some sleep (he turns back into his tent).
Sir Gwaine (to Merlin): Is he all right?
Merlin: He's our king. If anything were to happen to any of us, he'll hold himself responsible. Gwaine nods as they all take in Merlin's words.
ARTHUR'S TENT - NIGHT
Arthur is thoughtful. Merlin is busy dealing with Arthur's armour. Elyan leads the Knights as they enter.
King Arthur: Elyan?
Sir Elyan: Sire. Elyan looks at the other knights.
King Arthur: Well?
Sir Elyan: We just want you to know there isn't a man among us who would not die for you. We made our pledge, and we wear the Pendragon crest with pride. Tomorrow, we fight in your name, Sire. For freedom and justice in this land. Arthur is touched.
King Arthur: Thank you, Elyan. Thank you all. They all nod and exit. Arthur seems disturbed.
Merlin: They mean it, Sire. Every word.
King Arthur: I've never once questioned their loyalty. I do wonder if I deserve it.
Merlin: No one could care more for their men that you do. To send them into battle is not a decision that you would make lightly, and they know that.
King Arthur: But was it the right decision?
Merlin: If there was any other way out of this situation, you would take it. But you must defend Camelot. You have no choice.
King Arthur: I had a choice...to let Caerleon live or die. I made the wrong decision. And now I've brought this war upon Camelot myself.
Merlin: Arthur...no one is prepared to sacrifice more for the sake of this kingdom than you. Your decision was made in the best interests of Camelot.
King Arthur: Maybe. Now my men must pay for it with their lives.
CAMELOT CAMP - NIGHT
Arthur exits his tent, dressed in a brown cloak, and walks past his sleeping men. Merlin wakes and sees him heading off somewhere. Merlin gets up to follow. Arthur is heading to Queen Annis's campsite. He walks down towards the sentries and he is stopped.
Sentry: Halt! Arthur opens his cloak. Merlin watches from above.
King Arthur: I'm unarmed. Arthur pulls off the cloak and drops it on the ground.
King Arthur: You know who I am. Take me to your Queen. Merlin follows.
QUEEN ANNIS'S TENT - NIGHT
The sentries bring Arthur into the tent.
Queen Annis: What is the meaning of this?
King Arthur: Your Highness, I'm here to... She slaps him.
King Arthur: Your Highness, I know that you feel nothing but contempt for me. You feel I've done you a grievous wrong, and you would be right. Merlin peeks from outside.
King Arthur: I'm ashamed of what I did. It was cowardly, it was unjust, and I am deeply sorry.
Queen Annis: Sorry does not bring back my husband. Sorry does not give my people back their king.
King Arthur: I realise that. I know there's nothing I can do to repair that loss.
Queen Annis: Then what are you doing here, Arthur Pendragon?
King Arthur: I want to call off the battle.
Queen Annis: It's a little too late for that.
King Arthur: I don't propose a truce, but an alternative. I invoke the right of single combat. Two champions to settle this matter between them.
Queen Annis: And why should I grant you this favour?
King Arthur: There's been bloodshed enough already, Your Highness. Many hundreds of lives will be saved this way. Annis nods for her men to release Arthur's arms.
Queen Annis: And your terms?
King Arthur: If my man wins, you must withdraw your army.
Queen Annis: And if mine is the victor?
King Arthur: Then half of all Camelot is yours. A guard brings Merlin into the tent and shoves him to his knees. Arthur is astounded.
Merlin (to Arthur): Sorry about this.
Queen Annis: You know him?
King Arthur: He's my servant. He must've followed me here. I...I knew nothing about it.
Queen Annis: Kill him.
King Arthur: Wait. Please. Let him go. He's just...a simple-minded fool.
Queen Annis: That is two favours you've asked of me this night, Arthur Pendragon. Queen Annis turns and sits on her throne, considering Merlin. Tension as Arthur waits for her decision.
Queen Annis: Very well. You shall have your trial by combat (Arthur is relieved). Announce your champion by noon tomorrow.
King Arthur (bows): Thank you, Your Highness.
Queen Annis: And take your fool with you.
[SCENE_BREAK]
FIELD - NIGHT
Arthur and Merlin return to their camp.
Merlin: Simple-minded fool?
King Arthur: Oh, I was being kind, believe me. You almost got me killed in there.
Merlin: Me? You seem to be doing a pretty good job yourself.
King Arthur: What is wrong with you? Why can you never just let me be?
Merlin: I'm your friend! I was looking out for you.
King Arthur: I appreciate that. In your very confused way, you're only trying to help. But, please, don't do it again.
KING ARTHUR'S TENT - DAY
Everyone now knows about the agreement King Arthur and Queen Annis have reached.
Sir Leon: But, Sire, we can win this battle. I know we can.
King Arthur: I don't doubt it. But at what cost? How many men will be slaughtered?
Sir Elyan: And what if we were to lose this trial? We can't give up our land.
King Arthur: That's the deal I've struck. I believe it to be fair, and I'll stand by it.
Agravaine: Well, then. All that remains, my Lord, is for you to choose your champion. The Knights step forward.
Sir Percival: It would be a privilege, Sire.
Sir Elyan: Sire.
King Arthur: There can only be one choice. One choice which is just and honourable. This fight's mine. Agravaine looks pleased.
QUEEN ANNIS'S TENT - DAY
Queen Annis: I don't like it. It must be a trick.
Morgana: What concerns you, Your Highness?
Queen Annis: Arthur. Why would he choose himself as the champion?
Morgana: Because he's Arthur. He'll always risk his own life before those of his men. Trust me, it's no trick. Arthur will fight.
Queen Annis: It's as if you were pleased, Morgana. Whatever else he is, Arthur is a great warrior. You have as much to lose as I if he wins. You desire the throne of Camelot, do you not?
Morgana (enraged): I don't deny it. It's rightfully mine, after all.
Annis considers Morgana's emotional response. Morgana calms herself.
Morgana: Arthur will not win.
Queen Annis: How can you possibly know that?
Morgana: Because I have the power to ensure that he doesn't.
Queen Annis: Then you must use it.
ARTHUR'S TENT - NIGHT
Agravaine takes Arthur's sword while he is sleeping.
FOREST - NIGHT
Agravaine sneaks through the woods with the sword. He checks for Morgana, then turns and finds her standing there.
Agravaine: Morgana!
Morgana: Did you get it?
Agravaine: Of course. Morgana draws the sword. She kneels down in the middle of three small fires and enchants the sword.
Morgana: Efencume ætgædre, eala gastas cræft ige. Hige hefe. Hefe mæst sara. Fornéðe þas, ende hie æra (Her eyes glow. She raises the sword and the blade bursts into flame) Efencume þonne swæs bora! The flames disappear and Morgana lowers the sword.
Morgana (smiles): Arthur's as good as dead.
ARTHUR'S TENT
Merlin helps Arthur with his armour.
King Arthur: Not too tight, Merlin, you don't want to kill me before I've even started.
Merlin: Sorry. Arthur takes off his left glove and pulls off his ring. He turns to Merlin.
King Arthur: If this day should prove to be my last, give this to Guinevere. Arthur hands over his ring to Merlin.
King Arthur: Tell her I'm sorry.
Merlin (nods): Of course...Arthur, do you really think this is worth the risk? You're king now. Camelot needs you. Alive.
King Arthur: I don't know what will happen. But for the first time since I became king, I know in my heart I've made the right decision.
Merlin: Well, whatever happens out there...erm...
King Arthur: You're not about to start crying on me, are you?
Merlin: No. Just...good luck.
King Arthur: Thank you, old friend. They shake hands. Agravaine enters.
Agravaine: It is time, my Lord.
King Arthur: Very well.
Agravaine: Is all in readiness?
King Arthur: Merlin?
Merlin: Ready. Arthur nods and draws the now-cursed sword. Agravaine smiles as Arthur inspects it.
King Arthur: Right, then. Arthur and Agravaine exit.
QUEEN ANNIS'S TENT - DAY
A giant man is standing inside the tent.
Queen Annis: You have served my husband well, Darian. I know you'll do the same for me.
Morgana: And Darian, no pity, no quarter. Do not hesitate for one second. Arthur Pendragon must die.
FIELD - DAY
The two armies face each other. Darian and Arthur walk to the centre of the field. Arthur looks up at the giant. Darian bears his teeth. Morgana watches from Caerleon's lines. Agravaine grins in Camelot's front line. The fight begins. Darian eventually knocks Arthur to his knees. Arthur rolls out from the blow and slices Darian's cheek. Darian checks for blood and howls, enraged.
Morgana: This has gone on long enough. Time to turn the tide. I've enchanted Arthur's sword. It holds the weight of a thousand ages. No one could bear it for long. Morgana's eyes glow. Arthur's sword drops like lead behind him. He looks at it, unable to lift it. Darian swings and misses on the down sweep. Arthur punches Darian's face and gets caught on the upsweep of Darian's sword. He cries out in pain. He tries to lift his sword again. Darian begins to strike, but Merlin's eyes glow and Darian freezes mid-swing. Arthur leaves his sword and rams his shoulder into Darian, knocking him over and falling. Morgana is confused. Darian gets up first and kicks Arthur over. Darian picks up his sword. Morgana and Agravaine smirk. Annis waits. Arthur lies almost helpless and Darian raises his sword over his head.
Merlin: *spell* The sword drops out of Darian's hands into the ground behind him and he freezes. Arthur rolls up behind Darian, grabs the sword and slices across Darian's back. The giant falls to his knees and Arthur kicks him down. Arthur is poised to strike. He looks up at his men on the ridge. Merlin looks on tensely. Arthur looks down at his fallen enemy and runs the sword into the ground by Darian's head. Arthur's army bursts out cheering.
Sir Perceval: Long live the king! Agravaine is disappointed. He has no choice but to join the applause.
Knights: Long live the king!
Army: Long live the king! Long live the king! Long live the king! Queen Annis heads toward the champions. Morgana turns and disappears into Caerleon's army. Annis approaches Arthur.
Queen Annis: You are victorious, Arthur Pendragon. And you may rest assured that I shall comply absolutely with the terms of our agreement. My army will be gone by nightfall.
King Arthur: Thank you, Your Highness. Annis holds out her hand and Arthur grasps it.
Queen Annis: Tell me something. You spared my champion. Why?
King Arthur: Because it's not victory I seek. It is peace. I hope that today will mark a new beginning for our kingdoms.
Queen Annis: There is something about you, Arthur Pendragon. Something which gives me hope for us all. She considers him for a moment, then turns to leave.
QUEEN ANNIS'S TENT - DAY
Queen Annis and her men pack up her tent. Morgana enters.
Queen Annis: It seems you do not have the power after all, Morgana. Arthur was made of sterner stuff than you imagined.
Morgana: There will be other opportunities, Your Highness, and next time he won't be so lucky.
Queen Annis: There won't be a next time. Not for me, anyway.
Morgana: What are you talking about?
Queen Annis: I believe I may have misjudged our young king.
Morgana (scoffs): Don't be taken in by his fine words.
Queen Annis: It wasn't Arthur who misled me. It was you. You are consumed by bitterness, Morgana. It spreads within you like a disease. In my grief, I let you infect me with your hate.
Morgana: That is untrue. Have you forgotten how Arthur killed your husband? Do you not deny that you sought revenge?
Queen Annis: Yes, I sought revenge. But that does not mean it was the right thing to do.
Morgana (scoffs): You are weak, Annis, as I thought you were. Go ahead. Make peace with Arthur. But I will not rest until all of Camelot bows before me. Morgana turns to leave.
Queen Annis: Morgana... Morgana turns around.
Queen Annis: You came to me in the name of Gorlois, but I fear you're more like Uther than you realise. Morgana glares at Queen Annis and leaves
CAMELOT, LOWER TOWN - DAY
Arthur and his knights ride triumphantly into Camelot.
CAMELOT, MAIN SQUARE - DAY
Merlin: You're a hero.
King Arthur: Thank you, Merlin.
Merlin: Not to me. To your people.
King Arthur: Right. You think different?
Merlin: Maybe I know something they don't.
King Arthur: Which is?
Merlin: You know. That you're a cabbage head.
King Arthur: Maybe. I should've listened to you, Merlin. Just this once, I think you were right. Even if you are the worst servant in the five kingdoms.
Arthur dismounts. Merlin smiles.
ATHUR'S CHAMBERS - DAY
Arthur lies in bed, staring at the ceiling. Someone knocks at the door.
King Arthur: Come. Guinevere enters with a pitcher. Arthur pauses when he sees it is her.
King Arthur: Gwen.
Guinevere (nods): Sire.
King Arthur: These (retrieving some wild flowers from under a pillow and getting out of bed)...are for you. He offers her the flowers and she takes them
King Arthur: They're not much, I know. I...picked them by the side of a road.
Guinevere: Thank you Sire, but...I don't know what they're for.
King Arthur: They're to say, "I'm sorry Guinevere."
Guinevere: You don't need to apologize. I understand why things have to be the way they are.
King Arthur: Mm... (stepping to her) A good king should...respect the traditions of the past, as my father did.
Guinevere: I know that. King Arthur (stepping closer to her): But a good king should also...be true to himself...and do as he sees fit...and be seen with those who he cares for. She looks at him.
Guinevere: Even if they're not...appropriate? He pulls her closer to him and kisses her
King Arthur: Does that answer your question?
Guinevere: It's a start. Both smile then kiss again. | Plan: A: the first time; Q: How many times does Arthur find out what it's really like to be King? A: the wrath; Q: What does Arthur incur from the formidable Queen Annis? A: the lives; Q: What is hanging in the balance of thousands of people? A: thousands; Q: How many lives hang in the balance when Arthur faces his first true test as King? A: the strength; Q: What must Arthur find to be his own man? A: his own man; Q: What must Arthur become to become the leader Camelot needs? A: Camelot; Q: What kingdom desperately needs a leader? Summary: For the first time since his coronation, Arthur finds out what it's really like to be King. Arthur faces his first true test as King when he incurs the wrath of the formidable Queen Annis. With the lives of thousands hanging in the balance, Arthur must find the strength to be his own man and become the leader Camelot so desperately needs. |
Act One.
Scene One - Frasier's apartment. Frasier opens the door to Niles.
Frasier: Niles.
Niles: I'm sorry to drop by unannounced, but I need your help.
Frasier: Of course. Sherry?
Niles: Please. As you know, ever since I moved into the Montana I've been angling to meet our most famous tenant: Esmeralda Bing, the Walnut Queen. Well, I finally cornered her in the ornamental garden, by the wishing well, and I felt very pleased with myself - that is until the Walnut Queen invited me to a ball. Now I have a problem.
Frasier: [sarcastic:] Yes, your life has become an operetta.
Niles: [smiles at the quip] No, it's a charity ball. And when I say invited, I mean she let me buy a table for ten at five thousand dollars. I've until Sunday to sell eight five hundred dollar tickets...
Frasier: [picking up cheque book:] Say no more. It's a bit steep, but if it's for charity...
Niles: Thank you Frasier, it is a very worthy cause.
Frasier: Alright, who should I make this out to?
Niles: [Frasier writes as Niles speaks] The Esmeralda... Bing... International... Doll Museum.
Frasier puts his cheque book away and rips the cheque up.
Frasier: You do have a problem!
Niles: I thought you prided yourself on supporting the arts!
Frasier: The arts, Niles, not the crafts!
At this point Daphne & Martin come out the bedroom and into the main room, arguing as usual.
Martin: I told you, I can't do it now. Sherry's taking me out for our third-month anniversary, and I've got to get a new sport coat.
Daphne: You cannot skip your exercises again - you skipped them yesterday.
Martin: This is the only time Sherry can go shopping with me and I can't go without her. There isn't a woman alive with her fashion sense!
Niles: [aside to Frasier:] Carmen Miranda having passed on!
Daphne: I should think having a lady friend would make you exercise more, not less. I don't mean to be indelicate, but a man in your condition who wants to enjoy certain, shall we say, indoor sports, should take steps to make sure that cranky old Mr. Hip doesn't, shall we say, let down the team, if you get my meaning?
Martin: Don't you worry about me. I may not be the rookie of the year any more but I can still move around the bases!
Martin opens the door to leave and bumps into Roz who is standing there.
Roz: Oh hey, Martin.
Niles: [aside to Frasier:] Oh look, a scout from the majors.
Martin: I'll see you later, I gotta run. [leaves]
Frasier: Oh, this is a surprise.
Roz: [happy:] Big news. Gertie Oldson is leaving the station.
Daphne: What, from "Gertie's Grotbag"? I love that show.
Frasier: Oh please, that homily-spouting Hausfrau? It's the most embarrassing thing on the air. So, she finally got canned, eh?
Roz: No, she got a million-dollar TV deal.
Frasier: [chokes on his sherry, then:] Well, good news for Gertie and for the many atheists who will welcome this new proof of their theory.
Roz: Anyway, they're auditioning people for her time slot and... I'm going to go for it.
Frasier: What do you mean - your own show?
Daphne: Roz, that's exciting.
Niles: [slyly:] And what better way to celebrate an exciting new career move than spending this Sunday at a swanky society ball? [takes out tickets]
Frasier: Drop it, Niles! Of course, this comes as a little surprise.
Daphne: Yeah, I never knew you were interested in getting your own show.
Roz: Well, it's the whole reason I got into radio. I mean, I had my own show in college and when I started working at the station I kinda got stuck on the producing side.
Frasier: What kind of show did you have in mind?
Roz: I thought I'd talk about stuff I know: the singles life in Seattle, dating, fashion, where to meet available men...
Niles: Well, if you're looking for an event which will be crawling with attractive single men, [takes tickets out] this particular ga...
Frasier: [angry:] Niles!
Roz: Anyway Frasier, I hope that you'll support me on this.
Frasier: Well, I'd hate to lose you, but of course I'll support you.
Roz: [happy:] Oh thank you, Frasier, you're the best.
Frasier: [modest:] Well...
Roz: Listen, as long as I've got you all here - I'm putting together an audition and I could use people to pretend to be callers...
Frasier: [happily:] We'd be glad to help.
Daphne: Sounds like fun.
Roz: Alright, I'll come back tonight. Oh and Daphne, I need at least one spicy call. Could you pretend to be a woman who doesn't believe in s*x without love, but just feels so horny sometimes she wants to jump anything in pants?
Daphne: [sarcastic:] Well, I'll try. And while I'm at it, I'll see if I can fake a British accent!
Roz and Daphne laugh. So does Niles, but out of Daphne's sight his knees wobble, and he clutches onto his brother.
[SCENE_BREAK]
ANY PORT MANTEAU
IN A STORM
Scene Two - Apartment
Later that night: Roz, Niles, Daphne and Frasier are sitting around the dining room table. Niles is holding a microphone connected to a tape recorder. Roz begins her audition tape.
Roz: [into microphone:] Good afternoon, Seattle. I'm Roz Doyle and this is "Love Matters." Today we're chatting with merchant seaman Steve Barron, from Billingham. Tell me Steve, what do you look for in an ideal date?
Frasier: [normal posh voice:] When my shipmates and I pull into port after several weeks at sea...
Roz: Cut! [stops tape:] Sorry Frasier, but you don't sound like a merchant seamen.
Frasier: Oh, let's try again, alright?
Roz: [starts tape:] So, Steve, what do you look for in an ideal date?
Frasier: [salty voice:] When my shipmates and I pull into port after several weeks at sea, the first thing we do is...
Niles: [taking the mike, salty voice:] ...head for the antique sale!
He laughs. Roz turns off the tape.
Frasier: Fine, smarty pants. Well, you play Steve then.
Roz: Never mind, let's just go on to my next idea. Daphne? OK, you be the girlfriend of a couple who wants to spice things up in the bedroom. Niles, will you be her boyfriend?
Niles: [quickly:] Yes.
Roz: OK. [starts tape:] I'm here with Fred and Patty. Tell me, you two, what made you think that your s*x life needs a little jump start?
Daphne: It's all his fault. He just seems to have lost interest in me. I've done everything I can to entice him. I've... served dinner wearing nothing but high heels and an apron; I've called him at the office and talked dirty; and last night when he came home I was lying in bed wearing a whipped cream teddy! But, [angry:] did he care? No!
Roz: And none of this turns you on, Fred?
Niles cannot answer. He just stares into nothingness, reliving their imaginary past experiences. Roz gets impatient.
Roz: Fred?
Niles: [comes out of trance:] That's nothing, you should hear the other things that don't turn me on! Tell me about it, Patty.
Roz: Let's cut to the chase. Patty, men are like fish: when you first hook 'em they wriggle around like crazy, but once you finally reel them in they just lie there with that glassy look.
Niles: That's terrible advice.
Roz: No, it isn't.
Niles: Yes, it is, you have no idea how Fred really feels about Daphne... Patsy.
Daphne: Patty.
Niles: Patty!
Roz: This is pointless.
Frasier: No, Roz, you're doing just fine.
Roz: [angry:] No, I was terrible! I wasn't helpful, I wasn't smart... I wasn't even sassy!
Frasier: Well, perhaps not sassy but you were simply saucy, that borders on sassy.
Frasier and Roz enters the kitchen as Martin enters the living room from the front door.
Daphne: Hello, Mr. Crane. How was your romantic evening with Sherry?
Martin: Oh, it was fine. [laughs, but:] Er, hey Daph', how about getting that exercise mat out, we'll do some stretches, eh?
Daphne: Can't right now, I'm helping Roz with her audition tape.
Martin: [impatient:] Well, how long's it going to take?
Daphne: What are you so eager for? [realising:] Oh, I get the picture. Not too limber with Sherry this evening, were we? Two hips but no hooray? [laughs]
Martin: Very funny! Well, you haven't exactly been burning it up in the romance department either.
Daphne: [injured] What do you know about my love life?
At this moment Niles accidentally slips on the play button.
Daphne: [on tape:] I was lying in bed wearing a whipped cream teddy. But did he care...
Niles switches it off with sorrowful gestures as Daphne looks embarrassed to a confused Martin.
Reset to: Kitchen Meanwhile, Frasier is consoling Roz.
Frasier: It takes some time to get the hang of it at first. But I mean, you should have heard my audition tape! [laughs] I was so inept it was incredible.
Roz: [remembering:] That's true!
Frasier: Oh. Oh, you heard it? Well, then you see that... [mutters]
Roz: [laughing:] There was a bootleg floating around the station for months!
Frasier: Yes, well fine, so you get my point then...
Roz: People still play it at parties!
Frasier: [angry:] Alright, Roz.
Reset to: Living Room Roz and Frasier enter as Martin is sitting on his Barcalounger.
Martin: So, hey Roz, I hear you're trying out for a new job?
Roz: Yes, as a matter of fact I am. And you can really help me with my demo.
Martin: What do I do?
Roz: I just want an honest answer. I want to talk to you about first dates.
Martin: OK.
Niles: [laughs:] Are you sure dad's the best candidate for this particular subject? [Frasier laughs with him]
Martin: [easily:] Quick survey: how many Crane men here with a girlfriend?
Martin raises his hand; Frasier and Niles stop laughing.
Martin: No, no, keep 'em up while I count.
Frasier: [backing up:] Alright!
Roz: Great. OK Frasier, start the tape. [he does; into it:] Alright, we're here with Martin and we're talking about first dates. Martin, tell me some of the tricks you use to impress women.
Martin: [modest:] Hmmm, well I'm sorry to disappoint you, Roz, but I really don't know any tricks. I mean, if a woman agreed to go out with me, I'd er, well, I'm not there to impress her or to play cool. I'm there because I want to know her; er, what she thinks; er, what she likes, so that if I'm lucky enough to get another date I can plan something that I know she'd like to do. I guess I'm still old-fashioned or something, but I think you should treat a woman like a queen.
Daphne and Roz look at each other and give a sigh of wonder, hope and freshness.
Martin: [to kids:] Bow to the master, boys, bow to the master.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Scene Three - KACL Later that week Frasier and Bulldog are in the foyer outside the manager's office. Bulldog is there and notices Bebe who has just walked in with a crowd.
Bulldog: Hey, Bebe!
Bebe: Bulldog Briscoe, my absolute favourite client.
Frasier: Hello, Bebe.
Bebe: And Frasier Crane - alert the judges, we have a tie!
Frasier: Oh my goodness, what a flock. These all yours?
Bebe: Yes. The minute I heard about the auditions I piled all my hottest new discoveries into the van.
Frasier: You brought them in a van?
Bebe: I call it my "Bebe Stars Of Tomorrow Tour." [to flock:] People, I want you to meet Frasier Crane.
Frasier: Hello.
Bebe: [selling him:] The most caring and kindest client I've ever had. Frasier, this is Professor Pete, the human encyclopedia. Ask him anything, he can't be stopped.
Frasier: Oh, alright. Explain Freud's theory of the superego.
Pete: [as if reading textbook:] Sigmund Freud, noted psychiatrist, was born in Vienna. [stops]
Frasier: [confused:] That's not what I asked.
Pete: He believed dreams had secret meanings. [stops]
Bebe: [covering up:] He just pulls it out of the air. But, if it's a raucous political debate you want, meet newlyweds Hank and Hannah Finch.
Frasier: Hello, Hank.
Bebe: [selling them:] He's a right-wing Baptist preacher, she's a fun-loving bisexual! Conflicts? You bet! Have you ever seen such talent?
Frasier: [laughs:] Well..
Bebe: [takes Frasier aside:] Ugh, they're pathetic!
At this moment Roz bursts out of the manager's office with excitement. She rushes over to Frasier.
Roz: [excited:] It went really well!
Frasier: Oh Roz, I'm so excited for you.
Roz: You know what he actually said? At this moment I am the candidate to beat.
Frasier: Oh congratulations, Roz...
Roz: OK, I'm going to get set up for the show, I'm so excited.
[exits]
Frasier: [half-heartedly:] OK.
Bebe: Well, ra-ra for little Roz.
Frasier: Yes well, I'm really thrilled for her, I am, but... [pauses:] God knows where I'm going to find another producer. I feel so in sync with her.
Bebe: You know, Hank Finch produced hygiene films in the army.
Frasier: No, Bebe, I don't think so. Ah, I'm not proud to admit this, but there's a small part of me that hopes she won't get the job. God, I feel guilty just saying that.
Bebe: [pleased:] You're so good, everything makes you feel guilty. I'm so proud to represent you. You're like a modern day... what's his name? [to Pete:] Pete, famous German doctor - built a hospital in Africa, Albert something?
Pete: Hang on.
Frasier: [jumping to it:] Schweitzer.
Pete: [positive:] No.
As Pete fiddles with this "problem," Bebe and Frasier look at each other in disgust.
End Of Act One. [Time: 11:08]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Act Two.
Scene One - KACL Frasier is just finishing his radio show.
Frasier: [on air:] And that is it for our show today. But before I sign off, this final note to Carla who called us earlier from the planet "Fripton." The technical term for your condition, which eluded me earlier, is "Schizophrenoform Disorder." [off air:] Or in layman's terms...
Frasier burbles his lips with his finger like a madman. As Roz enters the booth, she notices a gathering outside.
Roz: Hey, what's going on out here?
Frasier: Good Lord, is it someone's birthday?
Bulldog: [enters:] Hey Roz, I hate to be the one to break it to you, but Brenda from the newsroom got the job.
Roz: Brenda?
Frasier: [unhappy for her:] Oh, Roz.
Bulldog: It's total BS. Listen, er, if you need a little comforting later... [shouts and runs off:] Hey Brenda, alright! [comes back:] I'm there for you. [leaves to Brenda]
Frasier: Roz, I'm so sorry.
Roz: [covering up:] Oh hell, I'll be OK. Guess I better go congratulate the winner.
Frasier: Right.
Frasier goes into the KACL corridor as Roz exits. He spots Bebe.
Frasier: Bebe, did you hear what happened to Roz?
Bebe: [delighted:] Yes, no need to thank me, darling.
Frasier: [confused:] What are you talking about?
Bebe: I spoke to the station manager - I told him just how you'd feel if he gave Roz the job.
Frasier: [angry:] You did what?! [paranoid:] In here.
Frasier and Bebe enter the booth.
Bebe: I said that Frasier Crane wasn't about to work for a station that would steal his producer away. A bluff, of course, but he crumbled like a matzo.
Frasier: Oh, how could you?! I told you that I didn't want to lose Roz, but I didn't mean for you to sabotage her!
Bebe: You didn't? Oh no, what a horrible misunderstanding.
[pauses:] Wink! [laughs]
Frasier: I mean it!
Bebe: Oh, I see. So when you said in that off-handed way that you hoped Roz wouldn't get the job... I totally misinterpreted you. [pauses:] Wink! [laughs]
Frasier: Will you stop winking! My God, I could never want such a thing! There's got to be some way I can still reverse this!
At this moment Roz enters the booth.
Roz: [sarcastically:] Oh that was fun, I got to watch Brenda sign her new contract!
Bebe: Roz, I think what they did to you is monstrous. [Frasier can't believe her lies] I wish I could stay here and console you, but my people are waiting for me in the van. I hope someone cracked a window! [exits]
Frasier: Listen Roz, this is something we need to talk about...
Roz: Oh Frasier, I know what you're going to say: that I tried my best, that I deserved it. I'm fine with this, really. Yeah, I gave it a shot, that's what counts. I didn't get it. It's not like.... [bursting into tears:] my life is over!
Roz, overridden in tears, takes refuge in Frasier's chest. Some time later she manages to get herself together and pulls away, still upset.
Roz: [upset:] Oh look at me, I'm so busy feeling sorry for myself I haven't even thanked you for all your help.
Frasier: [troubled:] That's not necessary.
Roz: Oh, it is! Look how close you helped me get, it's because of you I'm second choice.
Frasier: I can't argue with that! [coming over:] There's something I need to confess to you. As much as I hoped that you would get the job, there was a very small part of me - and a very selfish part - that hoped you wouldn't.
Roz: That's not bad. That's really kinda sweet.
Frasier: Oh, I'm glad you feel that way. Because I happened to mention those feelings to Bebe.
Roz: [shocked:] Bebe? You told Bebe?!
Frasier: Just in passing.
Roz: Oh, great. She torpedoed me, didn't she?
Frasier: Yes... well, she said I'd quit if you got the job.
Roz: I can't believe this!
Frasier: Well, I'm glad to see that you're as mad at her as I am.
Roz: I'm mad at you!
Frasier: Me?
Roz: How could you have done that?
Frasier: Well, it was just an offhand remark, how did I know how she'd react?
Roz: She's Bebe! If you had said you liked my eyes, they would have been on your desk tomorrow in a Tiffany box!
Frasier: Oh Roz, I'm so sorry. Just tell me how I can make it up to you. I promise I will.
Roz: You mean it?
Frasier: Yes, anything, just name it!
Roz: Fire Bebe.
Frasier: [surprised:] Well, em, how... isn't there something else you'd like?
Roz: The only thing I wanted was that job, and she took it away. I'm not just suggesting this for my sake - I'm suggesting it for yours. She is your representative. When she goes out into the world lying and twisting your words and stabbing people in the back, it reflects badly on you.
Frasier: You're right, Roz. How can I consider myself an ethical person when I have the Princess of Darkness conducting my business for me? Well, that's it, I'm going to have to fire that conniving harpy.
Roz: I'm very proud of you.
Frasier: I'm ashamed to think how long I've turned a blind eye on her unscrupulous behaviour. What for? A 20% pay increase... six-week paid vacation... an expense account... a travel allowance...
Roz: [worried:] Frasier?
Frasier: [mad:] Well, not anymore!
He exits, followed by Roz.
[SCENE_BREAK]
ACROSS THE RIVER STYX
Scene Two - Bebe's Office. Frasier and Roz are in Bebe's waiting room. Vera, an old secretary, talks into her phone summoning Bebe.
Vera: Frasier Crane's here. He's not alone. [to Frasier:] Have a seat.
Bebe: [enters waiting room:] Frasier, Roz, my two favourite people.
Roz: Not for long.
Frasier: Bebe, we're going to discuss what happened this morning - this time you won't wink your way out of it!
Bebe: This is serious, you two come right in - we'll solve this thing. Let's just promise to be totally honest with each other.
Frasier and Roz enter the office as Bebe speaks to Vera aside.
Bebe: We're losing one. Code red!
Bebe enters the office and sits at her desk. Signed photos of her clients decorate the room. A picture of Frasier and one of Bulldog are in prime place on the wall.
Bebe: What can I get you? Champagne?
Roz: Nothing.
Bebe: A massage?
Frasier: No, thank you.
Bebe: You sure? Vladimir can be here in five minutes, he will play your spine like a Steinway.
Roz: Can we just get started?
Bebe: Roz, I'm just a wreck about our misunderstanding today. Will you ever forgive me?
Roz: No.
Bebe: Why should you? I don't forgive myself.
Frasier: Bebe, what you did today was unfair, and not just to Roz but to me.
As Frasier begins his speech Vera walks in with a tray. She puts it down on the desk and begins taking pills and putting them in glasses. Then she pours a glass of water. Bebe takes these simultaneously until it gets beyond a joke.
Frasier: [throughout the above:] Thanks to you, a strain has been put on our relationship... both professional and... personally. All of this I might be able to let go of as an isolated incident, but... I am concerned that... [narked off about the pill taking:] Are you quite alright?!
Bebe: It's nothing, it's just a silly little cardiac thing. [to Vera:] Go, go, you're distracting my client. My clients come first.
Vera begins to leave with the tray, however Roz picks the pill bottle up and shows it to Frasier as Vera exits.
Roz: Oh, poor Bebe, how many fake pills do you have to take everyday?
Frasier: Yes, do you really think that you can sit there popping a bunch of... [sees label:] Digitalis! Oh my God! You really are sick.
[N.B. Harriet Harris played a psychotic clone doctor in the X-Files fatal dose of digitalis.]
Bebe: Well, of course I'm sick. But it makes me even sicker to think that I've angered your will when all I wanted to do was keep the best damn team in radio together!
Roz: Oh God, we're gonna need a shovel to get out of here!
Frasier: Alright Bebe, be that as it may, but I still...
The phone interrupts Frasier. Bebe answers it.
Bebe: [angry into phone:] I told you, no calls! [listens] What about my sister? [to Frasier and Roz:] One second. [into phone:] Did the air bag deploy? [traumatised:] Look, I'm gonna to have to call you back. Frasier's here, and my clients come first! [hangs up, then nearly crying:] Sorry, you were saying?
Frasier: Since the moment we met you showed yourself to be ruthless and untrustworthy. As these are qualities I do not wish to have associated with my name, I think it's best we simply part...
Yet again the phone interrupts his speech. Bebe again answers on speaker phone.
Bebe: [answers:] What did I say about calls?!
Girl: [young girl voice on phone crying:] Aunty Bebe.
Bebe: [holding a girl's picture in her hand] Susy. Sorry to hear about your mummy's accident.
Girl: I'm frightened, Aunty Bebe.
Bebe: Don't be, little one.
Girl: If mummy goes to heaven, will you take care of me?
Bebe: Of course, my little lamb, assuming that I have the resources.
Frasier: [intrigued:] Bebe, you know I can't help noticing that none of your outside lines are lit up!
Bebe: [crying:] The bulbs are broken! [to phone:] I'm going to have to go. I'm with a client and you know what we say about clients.
Frasier opens the door at this point revealing Vera on the phone imitating the young girl.
Vera: [in girl's voice:] They always come firth.
Roz: You are amazing!
Frasier: [to Bebe:] Is there nothing you won't stoop to?
Bebe: [feigning shock:] I had no idea who I was speaking to! [to Vera:] How dare you impersonate my niece?! I've had enough of your cruel jokes - you're fired, mother!
Vera just shrugs.
Bebe: [to Frasier:] I just want to say...
Frasier: No, stop it! Not one more crooked word! Your tongue could open a wine bottle. From now, Frasier Crane has resigned from your coven.
Bebe: [upset:] Huh! That's it, is it? I'm not virtuous enough for you, not noble. Fine, quit! Next time you need a deal made, call the Dalai Lama. A long time ago, I had to make a choice between being a good agent and a good person, because trust me, you can't be both! So forgive me if I don't have time to make everybody warm and fuzzy. I am just too busy spending every waking minute pouring any drink, pulling any shameless tricks I can to make my clients' dreams come true! I am a starmaker! And if you can't appreciate that, there are plenty that can! [to Roz:] How about you, you want an agent.
Frasier: Oh pu-leeze!
Roz: You mean it?
Frasier: Roz!
Roz: I've never had an agent. It's not like she worships the Devil.
Frasier: Well, she doesn't have to! He worships her!
Roz: You're absolutely right, Frasier. Forget it, Bebe. No way!
Bebe: That voice - I could listen to it all day. It's pure, yet smouldering - like a nun with a past.
Roz: You think so?
Frasier: No, Roz, don't look her in the eye!
Bebe: I could triple your salary - voice-overs, commercials...
Frasier: Roz, listen to me, for God's sake. If you've got the tiniest shred of sense or dignity left, remember what this woman did to you this afternoon and renounce her. She has no scruples, no ethics, and no reflection!
Roz: Oh, let's get out of here.
Frasier: [to Bebe:] Well, nice doing business with you. [pauses, then obvious and nasty:] WINK!
Frasier and Roz walk out into the foyer.
Roz: Oh! Frasier, I forgot my purse.
Frasier: Alright.
Roz sticks her head back into the office.
Roz: Lunchtime tomorrow?
Bebe: 12:30, Benardi's.
Roz nods and leaves.
[SCENE_BREAK]
End Of Act Two [Time: 21:10]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Bebe is talking to another client in her office - a man with a monkey. He is obviously complaining about her as Bebe is taking the pills that are being given to her by Vera again. Eventually the monkey man gets weary and leaves the office. Bebe begins spitting the pills out. | Plan: A: Roz; Q: Who decides to apply for an on-air spot at KACL? A: Frasier; Q: Who is furious when Bebe pulls strings to keep Roz out of the running for the on-air position? A: Frasier's blessing; Q: What does Roz need to apply for the on-air spot at KACL? A: the interview; Q: What part of the application process did Roz do well in? A: strings; Q: What does Bebe pull to ensure Roz is taken out of the running for the on-air spot? A: her office; Q: Where does Frasier call to fire Bebe? Summary: An on-air spot opens at KACL, and Roz decides to apply for it with Frasier's blessing. When the interview goes well, Frasier is happy for Roz but notes to Bebe that he will be very sorry to lose her if she does get the position. As a result, Bebe pulls strings to ensure Roz is taken out of the running. When Frasier finds out, he is furious and decides to fire Bebe, but finds it harder than expected when he calls round her office to do the deed. |
A screen buzzes into life, and a charming blonde news anchor smiles out of it.
SALLY CALYPSO: Salutations! This is Sally Calypso with the traffic news at 10:15. We've got reports of a multiple stackpile at Junction 509, with a spate of carjackings reported on New Fifth Avenue. So you take care now! Drive safely.
Zooming out, we see a middle-aged couple, bouncing around in what is apparently some kind of vehicle. These are Ma and Pa, the currently frantic-looking parents of an as-yet-unseen character.
MA: They're gonna get in. There's no stopping them.
PA: The police are on their way, I promise. I've sounded the alarm.
He holds a small remote what looks to be a vocal transmitter.
PA (speaking into transmitter): Repeat. This is Car One Zero Hot Five. We have a problem. Require urgent assistance.
ELECTRONIC VOICE (over transmission): Thank you for your call. You have been placed on hold.
MA: It's all your fault. You lied to the computer. You said there were three of us. You told them three!
She begins to sob as the car crashes back and forth.
PA: Repeat! Urgent assistance! Car One Zero Hot Five! This is an emergency! Help us! Oh my God, I'm begging you. Please, help us!
Both Ma and Pa scream as the car continues to buck and roll. A terrible growling roar is heard, warning lights sound, sparks fly into the compartment, and the last thing we see is a single hand sliding off the face of the screen where the news report is still blaring.
SALLY CALYPSO: The weather is at 36 degrees, and it's blue skies all the way home. This is Sally Calypso, signing off. Missing you already!
OPENING CREDITS
In the TARDIS, Martha sits demurely while the Doctor flips a few levers. He's in a good mood.
THE DOCTOR: Just one trip. 'S'what I said. One trip, in the TARDIS, and then home. Although, I suppose we could, stretch the definition. Try one trip to the past, one trip to the future. How do you fancy that?
MARTHA (thrilled): No complaints from me!
THE DOCTOR: How about a different planet?
MARTHA: Can we go to yours?
The Doctor's excitement ebbs almost immediately. He turns away from her.
THE DOCTOR: Ahh, there's plenty of other places!
MARTHA: Come on, though! I mean, Planet of the Time Lords, that's got to be worth a look! What's it like?
THE DOCTOR: Well, it's beautiful, yeah.
MARTHA: Is it like, you know, outer space cities, all spires and stuff?
THE DOCTOR: Suppose it is.
MARTHA: Great big temples and cathedrals!
He's so clearly avoiding this topic. Martha is oblivious, lost in cheerful imagination.
THE DOCTOR: Yeah.
MARTHA: Lots of planets in the sky?
THE DOCTOR: The sky's a burnt orange, with the Citadel enclosed in a mighty glass dome, shining under the twin suns. Beyond that, the mountains go on forever, slopes of deep red grass, capped with snow.
Martha is utterly enthralled.
MARTHA: Can we go there?
THE DOCTOR: Naah! Where's the fun for me? I don't want to go home! Instead...
He begins to dance around the main console, tweaking settings as he goes.
THE DOCTOR: This is much better. Year five billion and fifty-three, planet New Earth! Second hope of mankind! Fifty thousand light years from your old world, and we're slap bang in the middle of New New York. Although, technically it's the fifteenth New York from the original, so it's New New New New New New New New New New New New New New New York. One of the most dazzling cities ever built.
The Doctor throws on his overcoat, and leads her out of the TARDIS into a pouring rain shower. Martha scowls and hurriedly zips up her jacket.
MARTHA: Oh, that's nice! Time Lord version of dazzling.
THE DOCTOR: Nah, bit of rain never hurt anyone. Come on, let's get under cover!
A dark, musty room slides into view, a single robed cat (Novice Hame) sitting in its center. Thick wires are everywhere, leading from screens and consoles that have undoubtedly seen better days. In front of Novice Hame is the Face of Boe, still inside the protective tank where we last saw him.
THE FACE OF BOE: He has arrived.
NOVICE HAME: What should I do?
THE FACE OF BOE: Find him before it's too late.
Novice Hame bows her head in obeisance, and gets up to go. As she does, she pulls out a large gun, arming it with a click and a flash of green light. It's still raining in the slummy portion of the city where Martha and the Doctor have ended up. They dash through a junk-ridden street, past what look like giant dumpsters and old laundry swinging from a line.
MARTHA: Well, it looks like the same old Earth to me. On a Wednesday afternoon.
THE DOCTOR: Hold on, hold on. Let's have a look.
He goes over to a dead screen on the wall, and we hear the sonic screwdriver buzzing. Once static appears, the Doctor bangs on the top of the screen himself, and Sally Calypso flickers into view. This is the same report we saw in Ma and Pa's car.
SALLY CALYPSO: ... and the driving should be clear and easy, with fifteen extra lanes open for the New New Jersey expressway.
The image on the screen shifts to reveal the New New York above ground, a gorgeous spired city on the coast of a large river, with sleek flying vehicles zooming in the air.
THE DOCTOR: Oh, that's more like it! That's the New we had last time. This must be the lower levels. Down in the base of the tower, some sort of under-city.
MARTHA (sounding irritated, but smiling in spite of herself): You've brought me to the slums?
THE DOCTOR: Much more interesting! It's all cocktails and glitter up there. This is the real city. MARTHA (she can't help loving him): You'd enjoy anything.
THE DOCTOR: That's me. Oh, the rain's stopping! Better and better!
MARTHA: When you say "last time", was that you and Rose?
THE DOCTOR: Um, yeah. Yeah, it was, yeah.
MARTHA: You're taking me to the same planets that you took her?
THE DOCTOR: What's wrong with that?
MARTHA (this gets to her): Nothing. Just... ever heard the word "rebound"?
As she pushes past him, vexed, a man suddenly flips open the top of the large green boxes to reveal a street vendor's cart. Around the Doctor and Martha, many others do the same, appearing and shouting out their wares.
PHARMACIST 1: Oh! You should have said. How long you been there? Happy! You want Happy!
PHARMACIST 2: Customers! Customers! We've got customers!
PHARMACIST 3: We're in business! Mother, open up the Mellow, and the Read!
PHARMACIST 1: Happy, Happy, lovely happy Happy!
PHARMACIST 2: Anger! Buy some Anger!
PHARMACIST 3: Get some Mellow, makes you feel all bendy and soft all day long!
PHARMACIST 1: Younger, them. They'll rip you off. Do you want some happy?
THE DOCTOR (frowning): No, thanks.
MARTHA: Are they selling drugs?
THE DOCTOR: I think they're selling moods.
MARTHA: Same thing, isn't it?
Other, more bedragged-looking people walk into the alleyway behind the Doctor and Martha. These newcomers draw more cries from the pharmacists. A pale woman dressed in very dark clothes walks with intent toward the stalls.
PHARMACIST 3: Over here, sweetheart! That's it, come on, I'll get you first!
PHARMACIST 1: Oy! Oy, you! Over here! Over here! Buy some Happy!
PHARMACIST 3: Come over here, yeah. And what can I get you, my love?
PALE WOMAN: I want to buy Forget.
PHARMACIST 3: I've got Forget, my darling. What strength? How much you want forgetting?
PALE WOMAN: It's my mother and father. They went on the motorway.
PHARMACIST 3: Oh, that's so sweet.
She reaches behind her into the stall, pulls out a small circular token, and holds it out to the pale woman.
PHARMACIST 3: Try this. Forget Forty-three. That's two pence.
The pale woman pays the pharmacist and turns away, the token still in her hand. Before she can do anything with it, the Doctor stops her.
THE DOCTOR: Sorry, but, hold on a minute. What happened to your parents?
PALE WOMAN: They drove off.
THE DOCTOR: They might drive back.
PALE WOMAN: Everyone goes to the motorway in the end. I've lost them.
THE DOCTOR: But they can't have gone far. You could find them.
The pale woman just looks at him, then looks down with a sigh. She sticks the circular token to her neck.
THE DOCTOR: No, no, no, don't!
He is too late. Once the token has been applied, the pale woman's expression changes almost instantly. She seems docile, serene; a bit out of it, but blithely unaware of her surroundings.
PALE WOMAN: I'm sorry, what were you saying?
THE DOCTOR: Your parents. Your mother and father. They're on the motorway.
PALE WOMAN: Are they? That's nice.
Martha makes a disbelieving face, and looks to the Doctor. He is disturbed, but not surprised.
PALE WOMAN: I'm sorry. I won't keep you.
They watch her go with frowns on their faces, the Doctor pensive, Martha upset and a little scornful.
MARTHA: So that's the human race five billion years in the future. Off their heads on chemicals.
As she says this, two figures spring out from behind her, carrying guns and dressed in dark clothing. One man (Milo) grabs her from behind, throwing an arm around her neck and dragging her off, as his wife (Cheen) stands in front of them pointing her gun at the Doctor. Martha screams and struggles, but they're quick, they retreat, taking Martha with them.
MILO: I'm sorry, I'm really, really sorry. We just need three, that's all.
THE DOCTOR (desperate, screaming): No, let her go! I'm warning you, let her go! Whatever you want, I can help. Both of us, we can help. But first you've got to let her go!
CHEEN: I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. Sorry.
Cheen repeats her apologies, almost crying, until the couple have disappeared with Martha in their clutches, slamming a large green door behind them. The Doctor bares his teeth in frustration and begins to wrestle with the door. Milo and Cheen push Martha down a shadowy corridor. The Doctor uses the sonic screwdriver and yanks the door open, running after the kidnappers. Milo, Cheen, and Martha emerge in daylight, running down a fire escape. Milo has Martha by the arm, and Cheen is at their rear, still holding out the gun.
MARTHA: The Doctor is so gonna kill you, and never mind him, I'm gonna kill you myself! Let go of me!
She breaks free of Milo's grip, but he grabs her again, pulling her closer and looking to Cheen. They have stopped in front of a large black car.
MILO: Give her some Sleep.
MARTHA: Don't you dare! Don't put that stuff in me, don't! Get off me!
CHEEN: It's just Sleep Fourteen.
Cheen reaches into the vehicle behind her and pulls out another token, just like the one we saw the pale woman use, and makes to press it into Martha's neck. Martha is screaming and Cheen looks upset, but purposeful.
CHEEN: No, baby, don't fight it.
MARTHA: I'm telling you, don't!
With Milo holding her, however, Martha can't resist for long, and once the token touches her neck she falls into an instant sleep. A close-up shot reveals it to be a tiny circular disk, transparent, with the word "SLEEP" printed on it next to a small green crescent. The number "14" is printed in smaller text underneath that.
CHEEN: That's it. Come on. That's it.
MILO: Get on board.
They begin to load Martha into their car. The Doctor dashes through the corridor where Milo and Cheen just took Martha. Milo's hands flick on the switches inside the vehicle.
MILO: Engaging anti-gravs. Hold on.
Cheen, having laid Martha down on a long table, reaches to the top of the car for support. The car rises into the air and the engines power up, just as the Doctor rushes out onto the fire escape.
THE DOCTOR (yelling frantically): Martha!
The vehicle speeds off down a small alleyway and out of sight. Inside the vehicle, everything is suffused with a mechanical green light. Cheen feels Martha's cheek as she sleeps.
CHEEN: She's all right. She's breathing, pulse is fine, and no harm done. She looks rich. She must have got lost.
Cheen now seems cheerful. She pulls off her jacket and settles in beside Milo in the front.
MILO: Yeah, well, she's worth her weight in gold to us.
He pulls out a vocal transmitter, just like the one Pa had in the teaser.
MILO (speaking into transmitter): This is car four six five diamond six. We have three passengers, repeat three. Request access to the fast lane.
ELECTRONIC VOICE (over transmission): Access granted.
MILO: Oh, yes.
This is clearly like winning the lottery. They smile excitedly at each other and kiss. The Doctor, back in the alleyway where he and Martha met the pharmacists, pounds on the door of one of the now-closed stalls. It flips up quickly; behind it is Pharmacist 3. Seeing him, she grins broadly and leans toward him over the countertop.
PHARMACIST 3: Thought you'd come back! Do you want some happy Happy?
THE DOCTOR (mad as hell and not going to take it anymore): Those people, who were they? Where did they take her?
PHARMACIST 1 (emerging as well): They've taken her to the motorway.
PHARMACIST 3: Looked like carjackers to me.
PHARMACIST 2: I'd give up now, darling. You won't see her again.
PHARMACIST 1: Used to be thriving in this place. You couldn't move. But they all go to the motorway in the end.
The Doctor whirls, grilling them all at once.
THE DOCTOR: He kept on saying three, we need three. What did he mean, three?
PHARMACIST 3: It's the car-sharing policy, to save fuel. You get special access if you're carrying three adults.
THE DOCTOR: This motorway, how do I get there?
PHARMACIST 3: Straight down the alley, keep going to the end. You can't miss it.
The Doctor strides off in the direction she indicates, not losing a second.
PHARMACIST 3: Tell you what, how 'bout some happy Happy? Then you'll be smiling, my love!
At this, the Doctor turns back.
THE DOCTOR: Word of advice, all of you. Cash up. Close down. And pack your bags.
PHARMACIST 3: Why's that, then?
THE DOCTOR: Because as soon as I've found her, alive and well...and I will find her, alive and well, then I'm coming back. And this street is closing. Tonight!
The pharmacists glance at each other, apprehensive. A blue screen shows a small line with "4-6-5-diamond-6" above it, indicating the vehicle that is now carrying Martha. The line is moving from Level 17 (at the top of the screen) on downward, edging closer to Level 21 (at the bottom of the screen). Martha fuzzily comes to, seeing the odd green light above her. She looks around the car, seeing containers of pills and liquid next to her and hearing vague voices in the background. Milo and Cheen are silhouetted in Martha's vision as she regards the front of the vehicle.
CHEEN (at the edge of Martha's consciousness): Yeah. The view from the windows. You can see all the way out to the flatlands.
Martha reaches sleepily for the token at her neck and pulls it off, frowning. She throws it away.
CHEEN: The sky... They say the air smells like apple grass. Can you imagine?
MILO: The houses are made of wood. There are jobs going in the foundries. Everyone says so!
Martha thinks quickly. She sees a gun sitting on a computer screen next to her head and snatches it, pointing it at her captors.
MARTHA: Take me back. Whoever you are, just take me back to my friend. That's all I want. I won't cause any trouble. Just take me back!
Milo and Cheen glance at each other.
CHEEN (to Martha): I'm sorry. That's not a real gun.
MARTHA (thrown): Yeah, well, you would say that.
CHEEN: Where do you get a gun from, these days? I wouldn't even know how to fire.
Martha looks disgustedly at the fake firearm in her hand, lowering it slowly.
MARTHA: No, nor me. Okay.
CHEEN (trying to be friendly now): What's your name?
MARTHA: Martha. Martha Jones.
Martha gets up now and comes gingerly toward the front of the car to stand behind them.
CHEEN: Well, I'm Cheen, and this is Milo. And I swear we're sorry. We're really, really sorry. We just needed access to the fast line, but I promise, as soon as we arrive, we'll drop you off and you can go back and find your friend.
MARTHA: Seriously?
CHEEN: I swear! Look.
She pulls back her hair to reveal a token on her neck. It's the same as the one Martha had on earlier, but this one has the word "HONESTY" printed on it, with the number "36."
CHEEN: Honesty patch.
MARTHA: All the same, that's still kidnapping! Where are we, anyway?
MILO: We're on the motorway.
MARTHA: What's that, then? Fog?
CHEEN: That's the exhaust fumes.
MILO: We're going out to Brooklyn. Everyone says the air's so much cleaner, and we couldn't stay in Pharmacy Town, 'cause...
Milo rubs Cheen's knee, and she grins up at Martha.
CHEEN (glowing): Well, 'cause of me. I'm pregnant. We only discovered it last week. Scan says it's going to be a boy.
Milo makes a mock victory gesture; he's as thrilled as Cheen.
MARTHA: Great. What do I do now, congratulate my kidnappers?
CHEEN: Oh, we're not kidnappers. Not really.
MARTHA: Nope. You're idiots! You're having a baby, and you're wearing that?
Her medical instinct kicking in, Martha rips the honesty patch from Cheen's neck. Cheen gives a small yelp of pain.
MARTHA: Not anymore.
MILO: This'll be as fast as we can. We'll take the motorway to the Brooklyn flyover, and then after that it's gonna take awhile, 'cause then there's no fast lane, just ordinary roads, but at least it's direct.
CHEEN: It's only ten miles.
MARTHA: How long is it gonna take?
CHEEN: About six years.
MARTHA (you have got to be kidding me): What?
CHEEN: Be just in time for him to start school.
Milo and Cheen giggle, fresh new parents all over.
MARTHA: Nope. Sorry. Hold on. Six years? Ten miles in six years? How come?
In a dilapidated corridor, near an old sign reading "MOTORWAY ACCESS," the sonic screwdriver buzzes in the dim light. The Doctor is forcing open a large door; the lock opens with a loud clang and he steps through onto a platform. He coughs, now in an atmosphere of heavy smoke, and we pull out to reveal that the smoke is the exhaust of several thousand cars, all hovering in the air in the most terrible traffic jam in the universe. Right in front of the Doctor, the door to one of the floating vehicles opens, and Brannigan, a large figure covered in protective gear, leans out.
BRANNIGAN: Hey! You daft little street strut! What are you doing, standing there? Either get out or get in! Come on!
Coughing fit to burst, the Doctor jumps through the open door into the car.
BRANNIGAN: Did you ever see the like?
Valerie, a dark-haired woman in the car, hands the Doctor an oxygen mask, and he takes it gratefully.
VALERIE: Here you go.
BRANNIGAN: Just standing there, breathing it in!
He pulls off his goggles, cap, and scarf. He's a cat, just like Novice Hame.
BRANNIGAN: There's this story says back in the old days, on Junction Forty-Seven, this woman stood in the exhaust fumes for a solid twenty minutes. By the time they found her, her head had swollen to fifty feet!
VALERIE: Oh, you're making it up.
Brannigan now heads to the front of the car, getting in the driver's seat.
BRANNIGAN: A fifty-foot head! Just think of it. Imagine picking that nose.
VALERIE: Stop it. That's disgusting.
BRANNIGAN: What? Did you never pick your nose?
All joking forgotten, Valerie suddenly sits up straight and taps Brannigan on the arm.
VALERIE: Bran, we're moving!
BRANNIGAN: Right. I'm there. I'm on it.
He pulls a lever on the console, and the engines in the back of the car spew out smoke. As they go forward, the other cars move into place around them; horns beep in every corner. They don't go far, though, and after a couple of seconds Brannigan draws the lever back.
BRANNIGAN: Twenty yards! We're having a good day.
Valerie smiles, and both of them now turn back to regard the Doctor, who is standing behind them and pulling off his oxygen mask.
BRANNIGAN: And who might you be, sir? Very well-dressed for a hitchhiker.
THE DOCTOR: Thanks. Sorry, I'm the Doctor.
BRANNIGAN: Medical man! Ha-ha! My name's Thomas Kincade Brannigan, and this is the bane of my life, the lovely Valerie.
VALERIE: Nice to meet you.
BRANNIGAN (gesturing): And that's the rest of the family behind you.
The Doctor turns and draws a curtain behind him, revealing a basket of adorable mewling kittens.
THE DOCTOR: Aww, that's nice. Hello.
He reaches gently out to them as the parents of the kittens share a glance, and the Doctor turns back to Brannigan and Valerie, now with a tiny black cat in his hands.
THE DOCTOR: How old are they?
VALERIE: Just two months.
BRANNIGAN: Poor little souls. They've never known the ground beneath their paws. (Off the Doctor's puzzled look). Children of the motorway.
THE DOCTOR: What, they were born in here?
VALERIE: We couldn't stop. We heard there were jobs going, out in the laundries on Fire Island. Thought we'd take a chance.
THE DOCTOR: What? You've been driving for two months?
BRANNIGAN: Do I look like a teenager? We've been driving for twelve years now.
THE DOCTOR: I'm sorry?
BRANNIGAN: Yeah! Started out as newlyweds! Feels like yesterday.
VALERIE: Feels like twelve years to me.
BRANNIGAN: Ahh, sweetheart, but you're still lovely.
He tickles her, and she giggles, their troubles forgotten.
THE DOCTOR: Twelve years?! How far did you come? Where did you start?
BRANNIGAN: Battery Park. It's five miles back.
THE DOCTOR (incredulous): You travelled five miles in twelve years?
BRANNIGAN: I think he's a bit slow.
The Doctor reaches behind him and puts the kitten back with its fellows.
VALERIE: Where are you from?
THE DOCTOR: Never mind that, I've got to get out. My friend's in one of these cars. She was taken hostage. I should get back to the TARDIS.
He pulls open the door next to him, but emerges into nothing but a cloud of smoke.
BRANNIGAN: You're too late for that. We've passed the lay-by.
The Doctor coughs and closes the door again.
BRANNIGAN: You're a passenger now, Sonny Jim!
THE DOCTOR (urgent): When's the next lay-by?
BRANNIGAN (considering): Oh... six months?
The Doctor is not amused. Thousands and thousands of idential boxy vehicles float in the air, headlights on, horns blaring, very few of them moving, very little happening. From her vehicle, Martha watches the traffic jam through a window.
MARTHA: How many cars are out there?
CHEEN: I don't think anyone knows.
Behind Martha, Cheen reaches for something and holds it out.
CHEEN: Here you go. Hungry?
MARTHA : Oh, thanks.
She pulls away from the window and stands behind the couple again, munching on a large round wafer.
MARTHA: About how far down is it to this fast lane?
MILO: Oh, it's right at the bottom, underneath the traffic jam. But not many people can afford three passengers, so it's empty down there. Rumor has it you can reach up to thirty miles per hour.
MARTHA (deliciously sarcastic): Wow. That's, like, crazy.
Milo and Cheen laugh, amused by their new companion. Martha looks around the car curiously.
MARTHA: But how are you supposed to live inside this thing? It's tiny.
CHEEN: Oh, we stocked up. Got self-replicating fuel, muscle stimulants for exercise, and there's a chemical toilet at the back. And all waste products are recycled as food.
Martha stops eating at once and eyes her wafer like it's a deadly enemy.
MARTHA: Oh-kay.
She drops the wafer as fast as she possibly can.
MILO: Oh, another gap, this is brilliant!
ELECTRONIC VOICE: Car sign in.
MILO (speaking into transmitter): Car Four Six Five Diamond Six, on descent to fast lane, thank you very much.
ELECTRONIC VOICE: Please drive safely.
The sonic screwdriver shines and buzzes in front of a screen with the insignia of the New New York Police Department. The Doctor is reflected in the screen, holding a vocal transmitter.
THE DOCTOR (into transmitter): I need to talk to the police.
ELECTRONIC VOICE: Thank you for your call. You have been placed on hold.
As these words are spoken, they also appear typed on the screen: Thank you for your call. You have been placed on hold...
THE DOCTOR: But you're the police!
ELECTRONIC VOICE: Thank you for your call. You have been placed on hold.
The Doctor scrambles up to the front of the car where Brannigan and Valerie are still sitting.
THE DOCTOR: Is there anyone else? I once met the Duke of Manhattan; is there any way of getting through to him?
BRANNIGAN: Oh, now, ain't you lordly?
THE DOCTOR: I've got to find my friend.
VALERIE: You can't make outside calls. The motorway's completely enclosed.
THE DOCTOR: What about the other cars?
BRANNIGAN: Oh, we've got contact with them, yeah. Well, some of them, anyway. They've got to be on your friends list. Now, let's see, who's nearby? Ahh! The Cassini sisters!
He holds up his transmitter.
BRANNIGAN (into transmitter): Still your hearts, my handsome girls. It's Brannigan here.
We cut to their car, where two white-haired women are sitting, surrounded by handsome needlework, comfortable chairs, and sewing tools. Alice sits in the driver's seat with the transmitter, while May knits behind her in a chair.
ALICE (smiling slightly): Get off the line, Brannigan. You're a pest and a menace.
BRANNIGAN: Oh, come on, now, sisters. Is that any way to talk to an old friend?
ALICE: You know full well we're not sisters. We're married.
BRANNIGAN: Oooh, stop that modern talk! I'm an old-fashioned cat. Now, I've got a hitchhiker here, calls himself the Doctor.
He hands the transmitter over to the Doctor, who grabs it.
THE DOCTOR (into transmitter): Hello. Sorry. I'm looking for someone called Martha Jones. She's been carjacked. She's inside one of these vehicles, but I don't know which one.
MAY (into her own transmitter): Wait a minute.
She opens a large notebook, it looks like a register.
MAY: Could I ask, what entrance did they use?
THE DOCTOR: Where were we?
BRANNIGAN: Pharmacy Town.
THE DOCTOR: Pharmacy Town, about twenty minutes ago.
MAY: Let's have a look.
ALICE (muttering): Just my luck, to marry a car-spotter.
MAY: In the last half hour, fifty-three new cars joined from the Pharmacy Town junction.
THE DOCTOR: Anything more specific?
MAY: All in good time. Was she car-jacked by two people?
THE DOCTOR: Yes, she was, yeah.
MAY: There we are. Just one of those cars was destined for the fast lane. That means they had three on board. And car number is four six five diamond six.
THE DOCTOR: That's it! So how do we find them?
MAY: Ah. Now, there I'm afraid I can't help.
THE DOCTOR (to Brannigan): Call them on this thing. We've got their number. Diamond six.
BRANNIGAN: Not if they're designated fast lane. It's a different class.
MAY: You could try the police.
THE DOCTOR: They put me on hold.
ALICE: You'll have to keep trying. There's no one else.
THE DOCTOR: Thank you.
He hands Brannigan back the transmitter. Amongst the beeping, honking, and smoke, Martha's car slowly descends through the massive lines of cars. Inside, the blue screen again shows the line representing Car Four Six Five Diamond Six, and it is now moving from Level 39 to Level 43. Milo's hand points at it.
MILO (to Martha): See? Another ten layers to go. We're scorching.
Martha smiles. As she does, a low noise sounds; it's like a mix between a creak and a growl.
MARTHA: What's that?
The sound comes again.
MARTHA: It's coming from underneath.
CHEEN: It does have noise, doesn't it? It's like Kate said. The stories are true.
MARTHA: What stories?
MILO (exasperated): It's the sound of the air vents. That's all. The exhaust fumes travel down, so at the base of the tunnel they've got air vents.
CHEEN: No, the stories are much better.
Milo chuckles, a little derisively, a little fondly, and looks away.
CHEEN: They say people go missing on the motorway. Some cars just vanish, never to be seen again. 'Cause there's something living down there, in the smoke. Something huge. And hungry. And if you get lost on the road... it's waiting for you.
As the rumbling noise gets louder and louder, they all stare at each other nervously. Milo shifts in his seat.
MILO: But like I said. Air vents.
He presses buttons on the console.
MILO: Going down to the next layer.
MARTHA: Except look out there. Does it look like the air vents are working?
CHEEN: No.
The sound keeps getting louder. Now there's growling and crashing.
MARTHA (whispering): So what's that, then?
Milo doesn't have an answer for her. He shakes his head.
MILO: Nah. Kid stuff.
He holds up his transmitter.
MILO (into transmitter): Car Four Six Five Diamond Six, on descent.
THE DOCTOR: We've got to go to the fast lane. Take me down.
BRANNIGAN: Not a million years.
THE DOCTOR: You've got three passengers!
BRANNIGAN: I'm still not going.
THE DOCTOR: She's alone, and she's lost. She doesn't belong on this planet, and it's all my fault. I'm asking you, Brannigan, take me down.
VALERIE: That's a no. And that's final. I'm not risking the children down there.
THE DOCTOR: Why not? What's the risk? What happens down there?
VALERIE: We're not discussing it! The conversation is closed!
THE DOCTOR: So we keep on driving.
BRANNIGAN: Yes, we do.
THE DOCTOR: For how long?
BRANNIGAN: 'Till the journey's end.
The Doctor reaches over him to snatch the vocal transmitter.
THE DOCTOR: Mrs. Cassini, this is the Doctor. Tell me, how long have you been driving on the motorway?
ALICE: Oh, we were amongst the first. It's been twenty-three years now.
THE DOCTOR: And in all that time, have you ever seen a police car?
Valerie and Brannigan look at him, disquieted that he's bringing this to light. In their car, Alice and May, too, look decidedly uncomfortable.
MAY: I'm not sure.
THE DOCTOR: Look at your notes. Any police?
MAY (upset): Not as such.
THE DOCTOR: Or an ambulance? Rescue service? Anything official? Ever ?
MAY: I can't keep a note of everything.
THE DOCTOR: What if there's no one out there?
Brannigan reaches up and angrily takes the transmitter away from the Doctor.
BRANNIGAN: Stop it. The Cassinis were doing you a favor.
THE DOCTOR: Someone's got to ask. 'Cause you might not talk about it, but it's there. In your eyes.
It is absolutely in Brannigan's eyes right now.
THE DOCTOR: What if the traffic jam never stops?
BRANNIGAN: There's a whole city above us. The mighty city-state of New New York. They wouldn't just leave us.
THE DOCTOR: In that case, where are they? Hmm? What if there's no help coming, not ever? What if there's nothing? Just the motorway, with the cars going round and round and round, never stopping? Forever?
VALERIE: Shut up! Just shut up!
The screen at the front of the car blares into life. It's the news starting up, just like at the beginning of the episode.
SALLY CALYPSO: This is Sally Calypso, and it's that time again. The sun is blazing high in the sky over the New Atlantic, the perfect setting for the daily contemplation.
BRANNIGAN: You think you know us so well, Doctor. But we're not abandoned. Not while we have each other.
Valerie smiles a bit at this.
SALLY CALYPSO: This is for all of you out there on the roads. We're so sorry. Drive safe.
Close-ups on Valerie and Brannigan as they start to sing, and on the Doctor as he watches them. In Martha's car, Milo and Cheen are also singing: # On a hill, far away / Stood an old, rugged cross / The emblem of suffering and shame-And I love that old cross / Where the dearest and best / For a world of lost sinners was slain / So I'll cherish the old, rugged cross, rugged cross / Till my trophies at last I lay down, I lay down / I will cling to the old, rugged cross, rugged cross / And exchange it some day for a crown.#. By the end of the hymn, Valerie and Martha have both got tears in their eyes.
ELECTRONIC VOICE: Fast lane access, please drive safely.
MILO: We made it. The fast lane.
Cheen grins, breathless, as their car scoots out of the long lines of traffic and descends into empty smoke.
THE DOCTOR: If you won't take me, I'll go down on my own.
He scrambles to the middle of the car, pulling out the sonic screwdriver and inspecting the floor. Brannigan and Valerie turn, shocked.
BRANNIGAN: What do you think you're doing?
THE DOCTOR: Finding my own way. I usually do.
ELECTRONIC VOICE: Capsule open.
Valerie and Brannigan look on in horror as a door in the floor of the car opens, revealing the hundreds of cars below them. One pulls up right underneath the opening, and the Doctor prepares to jump down.
THE DOCTOR: Here we go.
He takes off his overcoat and throws it to them. Valerie catches it.
THE DOCTOR: Look after this. I love that coat. Janis Joplin gave me that coat.
VALERIE: But you can't jump!
THE DOCTOR: If it's any consolation, Valerie, right now, I'm having kittens.
BRANNIGAN: This Martha, she must mean an awful lot to you.
THE DOCTOR: Hardly know her. I was too busy showing off. And I lied to her. Couldn't help it, just lied.
He looks up.
THE DOCTOR: Bye then!
He jumps down, landing on top of the next car and coughing from the fumes.
VALERIE: He's completely insane!
BRANNIGAN: That, and a bit magnificent!
The Doctor draws the sonic screwdriver across the top of the car he's just landed on, opening its top door. He drops into the car, finding a man dressed all in white and looking very pale.
ELECTRONIC VOICE: Capsule open.
WHITEY: Who the hell are you?
THE DOCTOR: Sorry, Motorway Foot Patrol. I'm doing a survey. How are you enjoying your motorway?
He turns to the floor, opening the bottom door.
WHITEY: Well, not very much. Junction Five's been closed for three years!
THE DOCTOR: Thank you. Your comments have been noted. Have a nice day!
He leaps through the bottom of that car, continuing down into the next one. He's still coughing, the fumes are intense.
ELECTRONIC VOICE: Capsule open.
The sonic screwdriver is quickly opening the bottom door of this car. The Doctor looks up at two very startled Asian girls in the front.
THE DOCTOR: Thank you for your cooperation. Your comments have been noted.
He picks up a blue handkerchief and starts to tie it over his mouth to stop him coughing.
THE DOCTOR: Do you mind if I borrow this? Not my colour, but thank you very much.
Down again, this car has two very naked drivers, who look at him in utter shock.
ELECTRONIC VOICE: Capsule open.
THE DOCTOR: Oh! Don't mind me.
Into the next one, which is lit all in red, with a very large man in the front.
ELECTRONIC VOICE: Capsule open.
The Doctor salutes him and jumps through this car as well. In Martha's car, all three passengers are looking dejectedly at the screen. A sidebar reads, "BROOKLYN JUNCTION," and below it three choices reading "EXIT 1," "EXIT 2," and "EXIT 3."
CHEEN: Try again.
Milo taps "EXIT 1." At the bottom of the screen, a large red message beeps "JUNCTION CLOSED."
ELECTRONIC VOICE: Brooklyn Turnoff One closed.
CHEEN: Try the next one.
ELECTRONIC VOICE: Brooklyn Turnoff Two closed.
Cheen lets out an anguished moan.
CHEEN: What do we do?
MILO: We'll keep going round. We'll do the whole loop. By the time we come back round, they'll be open.
The rumbling noise sounds again, and they all look around in panic.
MARTHA: You're still calling that air vents?
MILO: What else could it be?
From the looks on their faces, it's clear that none of them really want to know. Again, the noise.
CHEEN: What the hell is that?
MILO: It's just, the hydraulics.
MARTHA: Sounds like it's... alive.
MILO: It's all exhaust fumes out there. Nothing could breathe in that.
ELECTRONIC VOICE: Calling Car Four Six Five Diamond Six. Repeat, calling Car Four Six Five Diamond Six.
MILO (into transmitter): This is Car Four Six Five Diamond Six. Who's that? Where are you?
[SCENE_BREAK]
Cut to the inside of the car that's calling them: its passengers are Javit, a black cat dressed in leather, and two frightened-looking blonde girls. Their car is jerking around painfully.
JAVIT (into transmitter): I'm in the fast lane, about fifty yards behind. Can you get back up? Can you get off the fast lane?
MILO: We only have permission to go down. We... we need the Brooklyn Flyover.
JAVIT: It's closed. Go back up.
MILO: We can't. We'll just go round.
JAVIT: Don't you understand? They're closed. They're always closed.
Cheen claps her hands over her mouth, in more distress than ever. She's letting out frightened gasps.
JAVIT: We're stuck down here. And there's something else. Out there, in the fog. Can't you hear it?
There is a definite shrill roar sounding outside now.
MILO: That's the air vents.
JAVIT: Jehovah! What are you, some stupid kid? Get out of here!
The car holding the cat and the girls crashes even more painfully;the girls scream as bits of the car begin to fall off. They all smash into each other. The roar sounds again.
MILO: What was that?
The girls scream, still bumping everywhere.
JAVIT: I can't move! They've got us!
MILO: But what's happening?
Martha grabs the transmitter.
MARTHA (into transmitter): What's got you? What is it?
The cat yells something unintelligible. The car is beginning to collapse; sparks are flying everywhere; the cat and the girls are screaming as they are torn apart.
MILO: Hello?
JAVIT: Just drive, you idiots! Get out of here! Get out!
MILO: Can you hear me?! Hello?!
MARTHA: Just drive! Do what she said, get us out of here!
MILO: But where?
MARTHA: Just straight ahead! And fast!
CHEEN (sobbing): What is it? What's out there? What is it?
A businessman in pinstripes leans against his steering wheel, staring out at the gridlock.
ELECTRONIC VOICE: Capsule open.
Behind him, the Doctor jumps down. The businessman whirls to face him.
BUSINESSMAN: 'Scuse me, is that legal?
THE DOCTOR: Sorry, Motorway Foot Patrol.
He's coughing too hard to finish his spiel.
THE DOCTOR: Whatever. Have you got any water?
BUSINESSMAN: Certainly. Never let it be said I've lost my manners.
He reaches over to a water cooler, filling a cone-shaped clear plastic cup and handing it to the Doctor. The Doctor drains it immediately.
THE DOCTOR: Is this the last layer?
BUSINESSMAN: Ah, we're right at the bottom. Nothing below us but the fast lane.
THE DOCTOR: Can we drive down?
BUSINESSMAN: There's only two of us. You need three to go down.
THE DOCTOR: Couldn't we just cheat?
BUSINESSMAN: Well, I'd love to, but it's an automated system. The wheel would lock.
THE DOCTOR: If you'll excuse me.
The Doctor runs over to the door in the bottom of the car, using his sonic screwdriver to flip it open.
BUSINESSMAN: You can't jump. It's a thousand feet down!
THE DOCTOR: No, I just want to look.
He stares out into a thick, murky fog, dotted with tiny lights. Faintly, from the distance, comes the same screeching roar that Martha heard.
THE DOCTOR: What's that noise?
BUSINESSMAN: I try not to think about it.
THE DOCTOR: What are those lights? What's down there?
He coughs again, waving a hand in front of his face to sweep away the smoke.
THE DOCTOR: I just need to see.
He runs up to the screen in the front of the car and points the sonic screwdriver at the display. He's getting manic now, thinking of ideas.
THE DOCTOR: There must be some sort of ventilation. If I could just transmit a pulse through this thing, maybe I could trip the system, give us a bit of a breeze.
Back in Valerie's and Brannigan's car, the two sit blankly. All of a sudden, a loud creak sounds, and sparks begin to fly from the ceiling.
BRANNIGAN: Just what we need, pirates!
VALERIE: I'm calling the police!
The door at the top of their car falls down, and out pokes the face of Novice Hame, holding her green gun.
NOVICE HAME: The Doctor. Where is he?!
In the businessman's car, the Doctor is playing with the wiring of the front console, helped by the sonic screwdriver. One of the wires snaps in his fingers.
THE DOCTOR: That's it! Might shift the fumes a bit, give us a good look.
The two stare out from the bottom of the car.
BUSINESSMAN: What are those shapes?
As they speak, huge snapping claws materialize in the fading smoke.
THE DOCTOR: They're alive.
BUSINESSMAN: What the hell are they?
"They" now appear to be extremely large crabs. The lights are their eyes.
THE DOCTOR (with deadly recognition): Macra.
Martha's car is jolting more than ever, and its passengers are panicked.
CHEEN: Go faster!
MILO: I'm at top speed!
The screen at the front of the car reads, "PROXIMITY WARNING."
ELECTRONIC VOICE: No access above.
MILO (into transmitter): But this is an emergency!
Their car is zooming through the sea of Macra, barely missing the giant and very active claws.
ELECTRONIC VOICE: Thank you for your call. You have been placed on hold.
MARTHA: Turn everything off.
MILO: You've got to be joking.
MARTHA: No, listen, it's all fog out there, so how can they see us? Maybe it's the engines, the sound, or the heat, or the light, I don't know! Turn everything off. They might not be able to find us.
MILO: What if you're wrong?
MARTHA: It can't be worse than this! Just do it!
Milo goes for it, flicking switches at the top of the car and on the console. This seems to do the trick, the three sit, quietly, in an unmoving car, no longer jolting around, no longer screaming.
CHEEN: They've stopped.
MILO: Yeah, but they're still out there.
They all glance around nervously. Cheen decides not to deal with this, and looks instead to Martha.
CHEEN: How did you think of that?
MARTHA: I saw it on a film.
You get the feeling they'd laugh if they weren't all so scared.
MARTHA: They used to do it in submarines. Trouble is, I can't remember what they did next.
MILO: Well, you better think of something, because we've lost the aircon. If we don't switch the engines back on, we won't be able to breathe.
MARTHA: How long have we got?
MILO: Eight minutes, maximum.
Cheen is now crying softly.
THE DOCTOR: The Macra used to be the scourge of this galaxy. Gas. They fed off gas, the filthier the better. They built up a small empire using humans as slaves and mining gas for food.
BUSINESSMAN: They don't exactly look like empire-builders to me.
THE DOCTOR: Well, that was billions of years ago. Billions. They must've devolved down the years and now they're just beasts. But they're still hungry and my friend's down there.
A clank at the top of the businessman's car. Both of them look up.
BUSINESSMAN: Oh, it's like New Times Square in here, for goodness's sake!
Novice Hame's feet dangle down, and she drops into the vehicle with them.
THE DOCTOR: I've invented a sport!
NOVICE HAME: Doctor, you're a hard man to find.
The businessman points at Novice Hame's gun, still in her hand.
BUSINESSMAN: No guns! I'm not having guns!
NOVICE HAME: I only brought this in case of pirates. Doctor, you've got to come with me.
THE DOCTOR: Do I know you?
NOVICE HAME: You haven't aged at all. Time has been less kind to me.
THE DOCTOR: Novice Hame!
He embraces her, grinning.
THE DOCTOR: No, hold on, get off. Last time we met, you were breeding humans for experimentation.
NOVICE HAME: I've sought forgiveness, Doctor, for so many years, under his guidance. And if you come with me, I might finally be able to redeem myself.
THE DOCTOR: I'm not going anywhere. You've got Macra living underneath this city. Macra! And if my friend's still alive, she's stuck down there!
NOVICE HAME: You've got to come with me right now!
THE DOCTOR: No, no, no, you're coming with me. We've got three passengers now.
NOVICE HAME: I'm sorry, Doctor. But the situation is even worse than you can imagine.
She takes his wrist, and presses a button on the green-lit metal wristband she's wearing.
NOVICE HAME: Transport.
THE DOCTOR: Don't you dare! Don't you dare!
But it's too late. As he screams, both of them vanish in a haze of white light as the businessman looks on in bewilderment. A large yet unkempt room, dusty, junk everywhere, with streams of sunlight flooding in irregularly. The Doctor and Novice Hame are picking themselves up off the floor.
THE DOCTOR: Oh! Rough teleport. Ow. But you can go straight back down and teleport people out, starting with Martha.
NOVICE HAME: I only had the power for one trip.
THE DOCTOR: Then get some more! Where are we?
NOVICE HAME: High above, in the over-city.
THE DOCTOR: Good! 'Cause you can tell the Senate of New New York I'd like a word. They've got thousands of people trapped on the motorway! Millions!
NOVICE HAME: But you're inside the Senate, right now. May the goddess Santori bless them.
They look up, and sure enough, there are long rows of seats in a vast chamber. All of them contain skeletons.
NOVICE HAME: They died, Doctor. The city died.
THE DOCTOR: How long's it been like this?
NOVICE HAME: Twenty-four years.
They walk towards a skeleton, lying on the ground, and the Doctor kneels next to it. His anger is forgotten, he is now profoundly disturbed.
THE DOCTOR: All of them? Everyone? What happened?
NOVICE HAME: A new chemical. A new mood. They called it Bliss.
She kneels next to him and reaches down, picking up a small circular token just like the ones the vendors were selling when the Doctor and Martha first arrived. This one, however, reads "BLISS."
NOVICE HAME: Everyone tried it. They couldn't stop. A virus mutated inside the compound and became airborne. Everything perished, even the virus, in the end. It killed the world in seven minutes flat. There was just enough time to close down the walkways and the flyovers, sealing off the under-city. Those people on the motorway aren't lost, Doctor. They were saved.
They're both standing now, struck by the urgency of the situation.
THE DOCTOR: So the whole thing down there is running on automatic?
NOVICE: There's not enough power to get them out. We did all we could to stop the system from choking.
THE DOCTOR: Who's "we"? How did you survive?
NOVICE HAME (brightening): He protected me. And he has waited for you, these long years.
Not far off, a low, grumbling voice speaks.
THE FACE OF BOE: Doctor.
The Doctor turns and dashes over to the Face of Boe, kneeling in front of it as he did in the hospital where they last met. Novice Hame follows.
THE DOCTOR: The Face of Boe!
THE FACE OF BOE: I knew you would come.
NOVICE HAME: Back in the old days, I was made his nurse, as penance for my sins.
THE DOCTOR: Old friend, what happened to you?
THE FACE OF BOE: Failing.
NOVICE HAME: He protected me from the virus by shrouding me in his smoke. But with no one to maintain it, the City's power died. The under-city would have fallen into the sea.
THE DOCTOR: So he saved them.
NOVICE HAME: The Face of Boe wired himself into the mainframe. He's giving his life force just to keep things running.
THE DOCTOR: But there are planets out there. You could have called for help.
NOVICE HAME: The last act of the Senate was to declare New Earth unsafe. The automatic quarantine lasts for one hundred years.
The Doctor looks back at the Face of Boe, concerned, and then gets up.
THE DOCTOR: So the two of you stayed here, on your own, for all these years.
NOVICE HAME :We had no choice.
The Doctor reaches out to her, touches her shoulder.
THE DOCTOR: Yes, you did.
THE FACE OF BOE: Save them, Doctor. Save them.
Martha's car is still silent, still stationary; its occupants are now less panicked and more completely hopeless.
CHEEN: How much air's left?
MILO: Two minutes.
MARTHA: There's always the Doctor. That friend of mine. He might think of something.
MILO: Martha, no one's coming.
Martha looks like she might cry.
CHEEN: He looked kind of nice.
MARTHA (you're telling me): He's a bit more than that.
CHEEN: Are you and him...?
MARTHA: Sometimes I think he likes me, but sometimes I just think he needs someone with him.
Cheen shakes her head. Everything is quiet now.
CHEEN: I never even asked. Where's home?
MARTHA: It's a long way away. I didn't really think. I just followed the Doctor, and... they don't even know where I am. My mum and dad. If I died here, they'd never know.
MILO: So, um, who is he, then? This Doctor?
MARTHA: I don't know. Well, not really. There's so much he never says.
CHEEN: But that means that... the only hope, right now is... a complete stranger.
They all look at each other. Cheen is horrified.
CHEEN: Well, that's no use!
MARTHA: It is, though, because you haven't seen the things he can do. Honestly, just trust me, both of you. You've got your faith, you've got your songs and your hymns. And I've got the Doctor.
This is Martha's resolve face.
MILO: Right.
He turns the car back on.
ELECTRONIC VOICE: Systems back on line.
The lights come on again, and Milo grips Cheen's hand briefly.
MILO: Good luck.
MARTHA: And you.
The crabs are alive and attacking once more, and Car Four Six Five Diamond Six ducks and dodges through them. The Doctor is staring into a screen, specs now on.
THE DOCTOR: Car Four Six Five Diamond Six, it still registers! That's Martha. I knew she was good. Novice Hame, hold that in place.
He jumps back from the screen and hands her a piece of thick tubing. Once she's got it, he runs along its length, jumping over a box of lights and buttons.
THE DOCTOR: Think, think, think. Take the residual energy, invert it, feed it through the electricity beds.
NOVICE HAME: There isn't enough power.
The Doctor reaches his destination: a far wall with two screens, lots of wiring, and even more buttons.
THE DOCTOR: Ah, you've got power! You've got me! I'm brilliant with computers, just you watch.
He turns around and points to her, yelling, getting more excited all the time.
THE DOCTOR: Hame, every switch on that bank, up to maximum!
Martha's car continues its perilous journey, spinning around. The Doctor is rotating a knob in a console on the floor, aiming the sonic screwdriver at it as well.
THE DOCTOR: I can't power up the city, but all the city needs is people.
He bangs his fist against the console and jumps up.
NOVICE HAME: So what are you going to do?
THE DOCTOR: This!
He flips a two-metre-long switch on the floor, and all the lights on the consoles go out.
THE DOCTOR: No, no no no no, no!
Endless claws scrape the screen of Martha's car. One finally catches them, and sparks fly into the cabin. Martha and Cheen scream; Milo's just trying to keep his bearings. Another claw knocks against them and the car flies out, free again, zooming through into more Macra. The Doctor, kneeling on the floor again, is waving his sonic screwdriver at another set of controls.
THE DOCTOR: The transformers are blocked. The signal can't get through.
THE FACE OF BOE: Doctor...
THE DOCTOR: Yeah, hold on, not now.
THE FACE OF BOE: I give you my last...
He lets out a long, rasping breath, and every console switches back on. Everything is working. Everything is powered. The Doctor leaps up again, suddenly illuminated.
THE DOCTOR: Hame, look after him! Don't you go dying on me, you big old face. You've got to see this.
He flicks the huge switch again. Novice Hame is busily turning a wheel next to the Face of Boe.
THE DOCTOR: The open road. Hah!
Valerie and Brannigan, still in their car, hear a loud crack and bang.
BRANNIGAN: What in Jehovah was that?
VALERIE: It's coming from above!
BRANNIGAN: What is it? What's happening?!
Valerie hurriedly covers the mewling kittens. Alice and May can hear it too. They look up in fear.
ALICE: Hold on, May.
Whitey's more pale than ever as he gazes up, listening to the creaks and bangs. The businessman, frightened, is fidgeting at his steering wheel. Brannigan is gazing up out of his car.
BRANNIGAN: By all the cats in the kingdom!
A gap is forming at the top of the gridlock, above the lanes and lanes of cars, doors to the over-city are opening. Each crashing sound signifies another barrier falling away.
VALERIE: What is it?
It's sunlight, and it streams through, covering her face. Alice and May shield their eyes as the rays of sun enter their car as well. Whitey too holds a hand over his face. The businessman is almost unnerved by the sudden rush of light. The doors are almost all the way open now. There's a long pathway of light above the traffic.
VALERIE: What is it?
Brannigan begins to laugh like crazy. Whitey realises what's going on and is now giggling with joy as well.
BUSINESSMAN: Yes!
At last, all the doors are opened. The cars are no longer trapped.
VALERIE: It's the sun! Oh, Brannigan!
She reaches out to him, and then pulls the blanket off of her kittens.
VALERIE: Children, it's the sunlight!
Her white kitten purrs happily, flooded by sun. The Doctor's face buzzes into life on the screen at the front of the car.
THE DOCTOR (in monitor): Sorry, no Sally Calypso, she was just a hologram. My name's the Doctor.
BRANNIGAN: He's a magician.
THE DOCTOR: And this is an order. Everyone drive up. Right now.
BRANNIGAN: Is he serious?
Valerie is laughing in elated disbelief.
THE DOCTOR: I've opened the roof of the motorway. Come on. Throttle those engines. Drive up. All of you, the whole under-city. Drive up, drive up, drive up! Fast!
BRANNIGAN: Here we go.
THE DOCTOR: We've got to clear that fast lane. Drive up and get out of the way.
All of the cars soar up to the opening, heading for the open sunlight as fast as they can. The screen in Martha's car is getting the Doctor, too.
THE DOCTOR (in monitor): Oy! Car Four Six Five Diamond Six! Martha! Drive up!
MARTHA: That's the Doctor!
MILO: We can't go up! We'll hit the layer!
MARTHA: Just do as he says! Go up!
THE DOCTOR: You've got access above! Now go!
The car swings free of the last of the snapping claws and bursts up out of the fog, heading for the opening like everybody else. Cheen, Martha, and Milo gaze up, the sunlight hitting their faces. Martha is beside herself with joy.
CHEEN: It's daylight! Oh my God. That's the sky, the real sky!
MARTHA: He did it!
She screams with laughter, claps, and gives Cheen a hug.
MARTHA: I told you, he did it!
Milo and Cheen kiss. Alice and May embrace each other at the front of their car, staring up into the light. Valerie cuddles her kittens.
BRANNIGAN: Did I tell you, Doctor? You're not bad, sir. You're not bad at all!
Valerie and Brannigan laugh, and keep driving up.
BRANNIGAN: Oh, yee-hah!
The Doctor, holding a microphone, is watching the proceedings from a viewscreen in the Senate room. Novice Hame continues to twirl a wheel next to the Face of Boe.
THE DOCTOR: You keep driving, Brannigan, all the way up! 'Cause it's here, just waiting for you.
He dances over to a window to look out at the over-city.
THE DOCTOR: The city of New New York. And it's yours.
It's truly gorgeous, everywhere, cars are rising out of the under-city and flying around abandoned skyscrapers.
THE DOCTOR: And don't forget, I want that coat back.
BRANNIGAN (over transmitter): I reckon that's a fair bargain, sir.
THE DOCTOR: And Car Four Six Five Diamond Six, I've sent you a flight path. Come to the Senate.
MARTHA (over transmitter): On my way!
THE DOCTOR: It's been quite a while since I saw you, Martha Jones.
NOVICE HAME: Doctor!
Novice Hame leans desperately over the Face of Boe, as the case that encloses him begins to crack. The Doctor looks to them, his face falling. Cars soar through the sky of New New York. It's a new new world. Martha leaps happily into the Senate room, but is a bit subdued by the skeleton lying on the floor in front of her.
MARTHA: Doctor?
THE DOCTOR: Over here.
MARTHA: Doctor!
Smiling again, she runs to him.
MARTHA: What happened out there?
She finds him kneeling, with Novice Hame, in front of the dying Face of Boe. She frowns.
MARTHA: What's that?
THE DOCTOR: It's the Face of Boe. It's all right. Come and say hello. And this is Hame. She's a cat. Don't worry.
Martha approaches the Face of Boe.
THE DOCTOR: He's the one that saved you, not me.
NOVICE HAME: My lord gave his life to save the city.
Martha kneels next to Novice Hame, reverent.
NOVICE HAME: And now he's dying.
THE DOCTOR: No, don't say that. Not old Boe. Plenty of life left.
THE FACE OF BOE: It's good to breathe the air once more.
MARTHA: Who is he?
THE DOCTOR: I don't even know. Legend says the Face of Boe has lived for billions of years. Isn't that right? And you're not about to give up now.
THE FACE OF BOE: Everything has its time. You know that, old friend, better than most.
NOVICE HAME: The legend says more.
THE DOCTOR: Don't. There's no need for that.
NOVICE HAME: It says that the Face of Boe will speak his final secret to a traveller.
THE DOCTOR (shut up): Yeah, but not yet. Who needs secrets, eh?
THE FACE OF BOE: I have seen so much. Perhaps too much. I am the last of my kind, as you are the last of yours, Doctor.
The Doctor is absolutely desperate now. He does not want this at all. It's hitting him much harder than the death of this entire planet did.
THE DOCTOR: That's why we have to survive. Both of us. Don't go.
THE FACE OF BOE: I must. But know this, Time Lord. You are not alone.
Though before it seemed as though the Doctor would weep, now he is astounded, he stares, uncomprehending, as the Face of Boe's eyes close for the last time. Martha looks on with respect, and Novice Hame begins to sob. Martha is the first to stand, and the Doctor gets up after a moment to put an arm around her shoulders. Back in the alley where Martha and the Doctor first met the pharmacists, the two travellers saunter through again. It's deserted.
THE DOCTOR: All closed down.
MARTHA: Happy?
THE DOCTOR: Happy happy.
Martha laughs softly. The Doctor inspects one of the empty booths.
THE DOCTOR: New New York can start again. And they've got Novice Hame. Just what every city needs, cats in charge! Come on, time we were off.
He begins to stroll away, but Martha stays put.
MARTHA: But what did he mean, the Face of Boe?
The Doctor stops and turns around.
MARTHA: "You're not alone."
THE DOCTOR: I don't know.
Martha steps toward him, smiling.
MARTHA: You've got me. Is that what he meant?
The Doctor shakes his head, the edges of his mouth twitching as if he is trying not to laugh at her. It's kind of terrible.
THE DOCTOR: I don't think so. Sorry.
MARTHA (fine, be that way): Then what?
THE DOCTOR: Doesn't matter. Back to the TARDIS, off we go.
As the Doctor turns away and heads off again, Martha grabs a fallen chair next to her and pulls it up, sitting primly and folding her arms. The Doctor hears and turns around again.
THE DOCTOR: All right, you staying?
MARTHA: 'Till you talk to me properly, yes. He said "last of your kind." What does that mean?
The Doctor is trying to appear flippant. He's trying very hard.
THE DOCTOR: It really doesn't matter.
MARTHA: You don't talk. You never say! Why not?
Around them, the sound of music is rising. It's the new New New York citizens, singing another hymn. Instantly, Martha's enchanted.
# Fast falls the eventide.
MARTHA: It's the city.
# The darkness deepens.
MARTHA: They're singing.
# Lord, with me abide.
The Doctor looks at her. This is not easy.
# When other helpers fail.
THE DOCTOR: I lied to you, 'cause I liked it. I could pretend. Just for a bit, I could imagine they were still alive, underneath a burnt orange sky.
Martha is shocked, and so sad for him.
THE DOCTOR: I'm not just a Time Lord. I'm the last of the Time Lords. The Face of Boe was wrong. There's no one else.
Martha shakes her head slightly.
MARTHA: What happened?
The Doctor stands for a moment, and then grabs his own chair so he can sit across from her. The singing continues behind them.
THE DOCTOR: There was a war. A Time War. The last Great Time War. My people fought a race called the Daleks, for the sake of all creation. And they lost. They lost. Everyone lost. They're all gone now. My family, my friends, even that sky. Oh, you should have seen it, that old planet. The second sun would rise in the south, and the mountains would shine. The leaves on the trees were silver, and when they caught the light every morning, it looked like a forest on fire. When the autumn came, the breeze would blow through the branches like a song...
As the Doctor speaks, the camera pulls out to show the bright sun over the city, with the cars still zooming. # The darkness deepens. Lord, with me abide. #. | Plan: A: The Doctor; Q: Who takes Martha to the undercity of New New York? A: Martha; Q: Who is kidnapped by two motorists in flying cars? A: the year 5,000,000,053; Q: When does the Doctor take Martha to the undercity of New New York? A: 24 years earlier, a virus; Q: What killed nearly everyone on the planet? A: 24 years earlier; Q: How long ago did a virus kill everyone on New Earth? A: the virus; Q: What was the undercity sealed off to save it from? A: its system; Q: What did the Face of Boe and Novice Hame maintain to keep the undercity sealed off? A: the Face of Boe; Q: Who tells the Doctor he is not alone? A: his nurse; Q: Who is Novice Hame? A: enough power; Q: What did the Face of Boe and Novice Hame lack to reopen the undercity? A: the fast lane; Q: What part of the Motorway is infested by crab-like Macra? A: a way; Q: What does the Doctor find to restore power to the system? A: the roof; Q: What part of the Motorway did the Doctor open? A: the inhabitants; Q: Who is trapped in the undercity's Motorway? Summary: The Doctor takes Martha to the undercity of New New York on the planet New Earth in the year 5,000,000,053. 24 years earlier, a virus mutated which killed nearly everyone on the planet. The undercity was sealed off to save it from the virus, its system being maintained by the Face of Boe and his nurse Novice Hame, but they did not have enough power to reopen it. Martha is kidnapped by two motorists in flying cars to grant them access to the fast lane on the Motorway. The fast lane is infested by crab-like Macra, old enemies of the Doctor and the former rulers of an empire in this galaxy who have since devolved. Aided by the Face of Boe, who uses the last of his life, the Doctor finds a way of restoring power to the system which opens the roof of the Motorway, finally freeing the inhabitants trapped in the undercity's Motorway and saving Martha and her kidnappers from the Macra. Before dying, the Face of Boe tells the Doctor he is not alone. |
Scene: The apartment. The guys are playing Rock Band. Sheldon is on guitar, Howard drums and Raj singing. They are performing the Red Hot Chili Peppers "Under the Bridge". As Raj gets into the song, Penny enters and his singing turns into a squawk.
Penny: Fellas, please.
Howard: Penny, come on, we were just finding our sound.
Penny: You found it. It's the sound of a cat being run over by a lawn mower.
Leonard (entering on the phone): I'm really very busy. Is there any way that we can put this off until I have more time to prepare? Of course. But, uh, you understand my trepidation.
Penny: What's that about?
Howard: Not a clue.
Leonard: Can't we just postpone it till the spring? Maybe next summer?
Sheldon: This should be fairly easy to deduce. He's holding the phone to his left ear. Ears do not cross hemispheres, so he's using the analytical rather than the emotional side of the brain, suggesting that he has no personal relationship with the caller.
Leonard: No, I didn't realize it had been so long. Sure, I guess there's no other choice but to just go ahead and do it.
Sheldon: He's referring to an activity he has done before. It's unpleasant and needs to be repeated. This suggests some sort of invasive medical test, like perhaps a colonoscopy.
Leonard: Aren't there any other options? There's not a lot of room, it's gonna be uncomfortable.
Sheldon: Yes, yes. Yeah, I'm definitely going with colonoscopy.
Leonard: Okay, bye. My mother's coming to visit.
Howard: How about that, you were right. Credits sequence.
Scene: The lobby. Penny finds a woman studying the lift.
Penny: It's out of order.
Woman: Yes, I can read the sign, I'm just pondering the implications.
Penny: I think it implies that the elevator doesn't work.
Woman: Again, I can read the sign. But the sign and the tape are covered with a layer of dust, which indicates that the elevator has been non-functional for a significant amount of time. Which suggests either a remarkable passivity among the, I assume, 24 to 36 residents of this building based on the number of mailboxes and given typical urban population density or a shared delusion of functionality.
Penny: You must be Leonard's mother.
Leonard's Mother: Oh, I don't know if I must be, but yes.
Penny: Uh, I'm Penny. I'm his neighbour.
Leonard's Mother: Oh, Dr. Beverley Hofstadter.
Penny: Oh, nice to meet you.
Beverley: Oh, you're a hand shaker. Interesting.
Penny: Uh, why don't you come with me. I'll walk you to the apartment.
Beverley: Oh, all right. Would you like to exchange pleasantries on the way?
Penny: Yeah, sure, I guess.
Beverley: All right, you start.
Penny: Okay. You know, I've always been curious. What was Leonard like when he was little?
Beverley: Oh, I think you mean young. He's always been little.
Penny: Right, okay. What was he like when he was young?
Beverley: You'll have to be more specific.
Penny: Oh, um, okay, like, five or six. Five.
Beverley: Oh, well, at that age he was well enmeshed in what Freud would call the phallic stage of psychosexual development. An outmoded theory, of course, but the boy did spend most of his waking hours with a tight grasp on his pen1s.
Penny: Yeah, Leonard mentioned you were a psychiatrist.
Beverley: Well, that is one of my degrees. My primary field is neuroscience.
Penny: Oh, well, I'm an actress.
Beverley: Why?
Penny: What do you mean why?
Beverley: Well, there are studies that suggest that many who go into the performing arts suffer from an external locus of identity.
Penny: Yeah, I don't know what that means.
Beverley: Well, it means you value yourself only as others value you, which is often the result of unmet childhood emotional needs.
Penny: Oh, well, I had a wonderful childhood.
Beverley: Tell me about it. Slight time shift.
Penny: I know my dad wanted a boy. I just, I tried being good at sports, but I hated getting dirty!
Beverley: And then, I'm assuming, you entered adolescence.
Penny: Uh-huh, he called me Slugger until I got my first training bra, and then he just stopped playing catch with me. I wasn't Slugger anymore. Your mother's here!
Beverley: If you want to have intercourse with that girl, find out what kind of cologne her father wore.
Leonard: Good to see you, Mother.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: Here's your tea, Mother.
Beverley: Oolong?
Leonard: Yes.
Beverley: Loose, not bagged?
Leonard: Yes.
Beverley: Steeped three minutes?
Leonard: Yes.
Beverley: Two-percent milk?
Leonard: Yes.
Beverley: Warmed separately?
Leonard: Yes.
Beverley: One teaspoon sugar?
Leonard: Yes.
Beverley: Raw sugar?
Leonard: Yes.
Beverley: It's cold.
Leonard: I'll start again.
Sheldon: I have the same problem with him. My theory is that his lack of focus stems from an over-developed s*x drive.
Beverley: Oh, I don't know where he would've gotten that. Aside from a pro forma consummation of our marriage, his father and I only had intercourse for the purposes of reproduction.
Sheldon: That seems a fairly efficient arrangement.
Beverley: Yes, we think so. We've both done papers on it. Mine from the neuroscientific point of view and his from an anthropological. Mine, of course, was the only one worth reading.
Sheldon: Of course. I would very much like to read about your s*x life.
Beverley: Well, it's all online or you can order it from the Princeton University Press.
Leonard: Here's your tea, Mother. So, what are you guys talking about?
Sheldon: The frequency with which your parents had intercourse.
Leonard: Swell. If you're lucky, maybe she'll show you the PowerPoint presentation.
Beverley: I'm sorry, it's on my other laptop.
Sheldon: Aw...
Leonard: So, Mother, what's new?
Beverley: You'll have to be more specific.
Leonard: All right. Uh, what's new with you?
Beverley: Oh, well, I've been having some fascinating menopausal symptoms recently.
Leonard: Maybe something less personal.
Beverley: Oh. Your Uncle Floyd died.
Leonard: Oh, my God. What happened?
Beverley: His heart stopped beating. I have to urinate.
Sheldon: What a remarkable woman.
Leonard: Yeah I, I thought you guys might hit it off.
Sheldon: I envy you your childhood.
Leonard: I hate to tell you, but the only warm memories I have of my childhood are of my Uncle Floyd.
Sheldon: You're clearly misremembering. Your mother is brilliant, analytical, insightful, and I'm betting she never hit you with a Bible because you wouldn't eat your Brussels sprouts.
Leonard: Sheldon, you don't give your mother enough credit. She's warm, she's loving, she doesn't glue electrodes to your head to measure your brain waves while potty training.
Sheldon: You were lucky. When I was a kid, if I wanted an EEG, I had to attach my own electrodes.
Scene: The university cafeteria.
Howard: So, Dr. Hofstadter, Leonard rarely talks about his incredibly successful brother and sister.
Leonard: Please, don't go there, Howard.
Howard: I understand that unlike Leonard, they're at the top of their respective fields.
Leonard: Boy, you suck.
Beverley: Well, Leonard's younger brother, Michael, is a tenured law professor at Harvard, and his sister just successfully grew a human pancreas in an adolescent gibbon.
Howard: So, she's close to curing diabetes?
Beverley: Why else would you grow a pancreas in a teenaged gibbon?
Howard: Wow, you must be very proud.
Beverley: Why? They're not my accomplishments. I have to urinate.
Leonard: Why are you doing this?
Howard: You know the rules. You brought your mom to work, you must suffer.
Sheldon: Leonard, I had no idea your siblings were so much more successful than you.
Raj: Yeah, you're like the Jar Jar Binks of the Hofstadter family.
Howard: Oh, meesa think yousa lookin' so so sad.
Leonard: You know, rather than mock me, my friends might realize that this is difficult and try to help me through it.
Raj: Nope, I think mocking you is more fun.
Howard: Next time, don't yousa bring mama to work. Okee-day?
Leonard: That was fast.
Beverley: Oh, the middle stall was occupied. I'll have to try again later.
Sheldon: It's totally understandable. In bladder voiding, as in real estate, it's location, location, location.
Beverley: So, where were we?
Leonard: Howard lives with his mother and Raj can't speak to women unless he's drunk. Go.
Beverley: That's fascinating. Selective mutism is quite rare. On the other hand, an adult Jewish male living with his mother is so common it borders on sociological cliché.
Howard: It's just temporary, I pay rent.
Leonard: He lives in the same room where his bassinet was.
Beverley: You know, both selective mutism and an inability to separate from one's mother can stem from a pathological fear of women. It might explain why the two of you have created an ersatz homosexual marriage to satisfy your need for intimacy.
Howard: Say what? (Raj whispers in his ear) That's basically what I just said.
Leonard: You brought your husband to work, you know the rules. Meesa thinking yousa looking pretty sad now too, betcha, betcha.
Beverley: Leonard, it's one o'clock, weren't you going to show me your laboratory at one o'clock?
Leonard: There's no hurry, Mother, tell them more about their secret love for each other.
Beverley: But it's one o'clock, you were going to show me your laboratory at one o'clock.
Sheldon: Her reasoning is unassailable. It is one o'clock.
Leonard: Fine. Let's go. I think you'll find my work pretty interesting. I'm attempting to replicate the dark matter signal found in sodium iodide crystals by the Italians.
Beverley: So, no original research?
Leonard: No.
Beverley: Well, what's the point of my seeing it? I could just read the paper the Italians wrote.
Howard: Just for the record, we're not in an ersatz homosexual relationship.
Raj: Well, then why didn't you say that to her?
Howard: Why is it always my responsibility?
Raj: It's not always your responsibility. I swear, this is the same thing you did at the comic book store last week.
Howard: I can't believe you're bringing that up.
Raj: I didn't bring it up. You did.
Howard: We'll talk about this later.
Raj: You always say that, but we never do.
Sheldon: You went to the comic book store without me.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Scene: Outside Penny's door.
Penny: Hey.
Leonard: You got alcohol?
Penny: Your mom still here?
Leonard: Yep.
Penny: Come on in. Wait, wait, she's not gonna come here looking for you, is she?
Leonard: Oh, relax. She took Sheldon to the hospital to get a brain scan.
Penny: Oh, my God. What happened?
Leonard: Nothing. Mother likes looking at brains and Sheldon likes getting his brain scanned.
Penny: Geez, what a fun couple.
Leonard: She's only been here a day and a half and I'm seriously considering alcoholism as a new career path.
Penny: Hey, I talked to her for five minutes yesterday and I've been half bombed ever since.
Leonard: You can't let her get into your head.
Penny: My head, what about yours?
Leonard: It's too late for me. My head is her summer house.
Penny: She was right, you know. The locus of my identity is totally exterior to me.
Leonard: Oh, yeah, there she is. Hi, Mom.
Penny: I mean, do you know where I was all morning? Auditioning with 50 other blondes for some stupid antidepressant commercial. And for what? So I'll finally get my daddy's approval?
Leonard: Did you get the part?
Penny: No, they said I was too perky.
Leonard: Hey, you want to talk about not getting love from a parent. You know what I used to do when I was little to have some sensation of human contact?
Penny: Yeah, you grabbed your pen1s and wouldn't let go. Your mother told me.
Leonard: Of course she did. Anyway, that's not what I was gonna say. When I was ten years old, I built a hugging machine.
Penny: A hugging machine?
Leonard: Yeah. I got a dressmaker's mannequin, I stuffed it with an electric blanket so it would be warm, and built two radio-controlled arms that would hug me and pat my back.
Penny: Oh, that is so sad.
Leonard: You know what the saddest part was?
Penny: What?
Leonard: My father used to borrow it.
Scene: The stairwell.
Beverley: Your scan data will be very elpful to my research. You have a remarkable brain.
Sheldon: I know. Although I've always hated how my right frontal lobe looks in pictures.
Beverley: Common complaint among men. Nothing's ever big enough, except when they get a tumour. Then you never hear the end of it.
Sheldon: I'd love to see a scan of your brain sometime.
Beverley: Oh, I'll send you a link, but its physiology is fairly unimpressive.
Sheldon: Oh, I can't believe that.
Beverley: Your unwillingness to accept empirical evidence suggests an attempt at flattery.
Sheldon: My apologies. I've been living with your son too long. Gotten into some bad habits.
Beverley: Understandable.
Sheldon: Can I make you a cup of tea?
Beverley: I doubt it, but if anyone has a chance, it's probably you.
Sheldon: I feel very comfortable around you.
Beverley: I feel very comfortable around you, too.
Sheldon: It's surprising because I generally don't feel comfortable around, well, anyone.
Beverley: Nor I.
Sheldon: What are the odds that two individuals as unique as ourselves would be connected by someone as comparatively workaday as your son?
Beverley: Is that a rhetorical point or would you like to do the math?
Sheldon: I'd like to do the math.
Beverley: I'd like that, too.
Scene: Penny's apartment. Penny and Leonard are doing tequila shots.
Penny: Okay, now this time...
Leonard: Uh-huh.
Penny: You're gonna lick the salt off my neck, do the shot, and then bite the lime.
Leonard: I'm sorry, I didn't hear anything after lick.
Penny: Neck, shot, lime. (Leonard starts licking her neck. He is there a long time) Okay, shot, lime.
Leonard: Right. Ah! Where's the lime? (Penny has the lime in her mouth) Oh, okay, we're sharing.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: So, what do you think?
Beverley: I'm very tempted. I'm just not sure it's appropriate with my son's roommate.
Sheldon: Normally, I'd feel the same way. But based on everything I've observed about us, I can't help but speculate we'd be very good together.
Beverley: True. I've had a similar observation. It's certainly something I could never do with my husband.
Sheldon: I was hesitant the first time I tried it, but I experienced an unanticipated and remarkable release of endorphins. It's quite satisfying.
Beverley: I see what you're doing. You're appealing to the neuroscientific researcher in me.
Sheldon: You see right through me, don't you?
Beverley: Only when you're in a CAT scanner.
Scene: Penny's bedroom. Penny and Leonard are in bed.
Leonard: This is actually gonna happen.
Penny: Honey, shush, shush, shush, shush, shush.
Leonard: You shush, I'm happy, I want to talk about it. You know what my mother would say about this? She would say because you were not loved by your father and I was not loved by my mother, that having s*x is our way of making up for the intimacy we didn't get as children.
Penny: Why would you bring that up right now?
Leonard: I don't know. Foreplay?
Penny: So you're saying you're not having s*x with me, you're having s*x with your mother?
Leonard: Ummm, I'm gonna go with "no."
Penny: That is the sickest thing I've ever heard.
Leonard: Come on, you're trying to have s*x with your father, and I'm okay with that.
Scene: Penny's front door.
Penny: Get out!
Leonard: She said shush. I should have shushed. (Enters apartment. Sheldon and Beverley are inside duetting on Journey's "Any Way You Want It" on Rock Star.)
Scene: The hallway.
Leonard: All right, Mother. Um, have a nice flight.
Beverley: That's not really in my control, is it? Oh, uh, yes (gives him a very uncomfortable hug.) Penny (coming out of her apartment): Oh, good morning.
Leonard: Morning.
Penny: Look, I was just coming over to talk to you.
Leonard: You don't have to. Ever.
Penny: Gotcha.
Leonard: Good-bye, Mother.
Beverley: Good-bye, Leonard. So, Slugger, shall we pick up where we left off last time? Slight time shift.
Penny (in tears): I mean, my mom could've just said, "Bob, get over it, she's a girl, move on." But she didn't. Not one word.
Beverley: Interesting. Would you be willing to fly to New Jersey and discuss your relationship with your parents during a brain scan?
Penny: Would it help?
Beverley: Well, it would help me. | Plan: A: Leonard; Q: Who ruins the moment by invoking psychiatric theory? A: his mother; Q: Who does Leonard worry about when he learns that Beverly Hofstadter is coming to visit? A: accomplished psychiatrist and neuroscientist Dr. Beverly Hofstadter; Q: What is Leonard's mother's profession? A: Penny; Q: Who does Leonard end up in bed with after getting drunk? A: the stairs; Q: What is the first thing Beverly and Penny climb to get to Leonard's apartment? A: tears; Q: What does Penny experience after Beverly talks to her about her childhood? A: Sheldon; Q: Who develops a comfortable relationship with Beverly? A: Howard; Q: Who still lives with his mother? A: Raj; Q: Who cannot talk to women? A: sex; Q: What does Leonard suggest Penny and her father are having? A: their parents; Q: What do Leonard and Penny discuss their childhood issues with? A: psychiatric theory; Q: What does Leonard invoke to ruin the moment of having sex with Penny? A: his mom; Q: Who does Leonard think he is having sex with? A: the next day; Q: When does Penny want to talk about Leonard's behavior with his mother? Summary: Leonard becomes worried when he learns his mother, accomplished psychiatrist and neuroscientist Dr. Beverly Hofstadter, is coming to visit. On arriving, Beverly meets Penny; by the time they have climbed the stairs to Leonard's apartment, Penny is in tears after being psychoanalyzed over her childhood issues with her father. Sheldon, on the other hand, immediately develops a comfortable relationship with Beverly, who turns out to be as strict and logical as himself. Howard and Raj meet Beverly too, but after learning that Howard still lives with his mother and Raj cannot talk to women, she is quick to declare that they are in an "ersatz homosexual marriage". Leonard later goes to talk to Penny and they comfort each other by discussing their respective childhood issues with their parents. After becoming drunk, Penny and Leonard end up in bed together, but Leonard ruins the moment by invoking psychiatric theory, implying that he is effectively having sex with his mom and she with her dad. Horrified about this, Penny throws Leonard out of her apartment. She wants to talk about it the next day, but Leonard assures her she never has to talk to him ever again. |
At the movie theatre, Paige and Alex are working
Alex: You could be in one of these university guides. Everybody in here looks so happy!
Paige: Say it in your squeaky voice.
Alex: (In a squeaky voice) Everybody looks so happy!
(Paige laughs.)
Alex: I'm bored. Maybe I should eat something.
Paige: Twenty universities and colleges are coming to Degrassi on Wednesday.
Alex: So? Look don't worry about me. You're applying to Banting. Worry about choosing the right SUV following graduation.
Paige: Alex! Oh um want to take my shift tomorrow?
Alex: I need the money.
Paige: Wanna know why? Matt's back.
Alex: Now say it in your squeaky voice.
Paige: He called me last night all out of the blue. By this time tomorrow, Matt and I will be reunited. Resuming quelle grande romance.
Alex: Great. Now I'm bored, nauseous and irritated. All at the same time.
Paige: Well I'm just plain all happy.
In the cafeteria, JT and Liberty walk in
JT: (He clears his voice) Ladies and gentlemen, your new president.
(Everyone claps and cheers for her.)
Marco: Looks like Liberty won school president.
Paige: Was there an election?
Marco: There was an acclamation and nope you didn't miss anything.
Paige: So Matt's back tonight.
Marco: Mini hurray! Now back to me. Look I need to decide my future over my lunch of cabbage rolls.
Paige: Apply to Banting.
Alex: Banting's for rich kids and freakish genius savants.
Paige: Did you sign up for those college info sessions tomorrow?
Alex: Why do you drone on about me going to college?
Paige: Because I don't want to come back for the reunion to find out my former friends are losers. The sign up sheet's in guidance. Go.
(Alex gets up and sits at another table, glaring at Paige.)
In a classroom
Teacher: So Prime Minister Trudeau had two choices. He could either bring in marshall law or let the Quebec rights escalate. He chose the first. Why? Is anybody paying attention anymore? Paige?
Paige: Um... he, he had to do what was best for the country.
Alex: Sounds like you Paige.
Teacher: Something to share Alex?
Alex: Paige likes to decide what's best for people sir, and jam it down their throats.
Paige: What is your problem?
Alex: Your judgemental self.
Paige: Alex. Shut up.
Teacher: Okay I'm now gonna bring in marshall law. You can work this out later in detention.
Paige: No. No, no, no sir not today!
Alex: Sir you can postpone detention for work right? I have to work tonight.
Paige: And I have a date! A beyond life-changing date. Sir! Sir! Ugh. In the gymnasium during basketball practice
Mr. Armstrong: K guys bring it in. Let's go. Hustle let's go.
Jimmy: What's going on guys. I'm Jimmy Brooks, assistant coach and I will be watching you shoot today.
Derek: Why?
Jimmy: So I can help you get better. Look I played for this team three years in a row. Team captain each and every one. Except for last year.
Derek: You're the guy that got shot.
Jimmy: Uh most players make the mistake of not setting their feet before they shoot.
Derek: Oh like this, right?
(Derek shoots a basket.)
Jimmy: Okay. You set your feet. That's cool, but you're not using your legs.
Derek: So?
Jimmy: The power from your shot comes from your legs, not the hands. The hands just guide the ball.
In detention
Paige: Can you mentally will this thing to go faster?
Peter: I've tried. All week I've tried.
(Mr. Simpson walks in the room.)
Mr. Simpson: Got a minute? Oh yeah you've got thirty. *He laughs at his own lame joke* Been saving that one. Um look Paige you listed your top three choices for University. Banting, Banting, Banting.
Paige: It's good to aim high sir.
Mr. Simpson: You've aimed for the highest.
Paige: Well the business program I'm applying for, it's extremely selective. Only thirty applicants accepted annually.
Mr. Simpson: All the more reason for a plan B.
Paige: Keep a secret? My mom's bestest girlfriend, she's head of admissions.
Mr. Simpson: Well it sounds like you got your whole life planned out Paige.
Paige: I know what's best for me. Now sir, I sniped at Alex in class. He distributed Manny Santos' breasts through the school electronically. I don't belong here.
Mr. Simpson: Far be it from me to stand in the way of your perfect life.
Peter: Hey if she gets to go can I?
Mr. Simpson: Isn't this your first in five weeks of detention? Yeah, Ms. Hatzilakos...oh I mean your mommy would say no.
At Paige's house
(Paige rushes around changing, having a shower and getting ready for her date.)
Outside the gymnasium
Jimmy: These kids Haz, I do not know where they learnt to shoot. They're gonna have me busy all year.
Hazel: Well they couldn't have a better coach. Coach Brooks, I'm so proud of you.
(Hazel gives him a kiss on the cheek and Jimmy sees Derek and some of the kids on the team walking down the hall.)
Derek: (Imitating Jimmy) Less power on that ball. Faster on those crossovers. All the coaches out there and they give us a cripple.
At a restaurant, Paige is sitting by herself and orders a drink
Paige: Thank you.
(Paige is waiting and looking at her watch for a while before Matt shows up.)
Matt: Paige.
(Paige hugs him.)
Matt: Sorry about the bag. I uh didn't get a chance to go home. Came straight from the airport.
Paige: I... I like that I'm your first stop.
(She kisses him and pulls back.)
Paige: You're scratchy.
Matt: Oh yeah the beard.
Paige: And your hair.
Matt: Yeah, it's not healthy to wash it too much. Something I learned this summer.
Paige: Okay. Here. Presents don't have to wait until after dessert.
Matt: Oh it's uh, it's an organizer.
Paige: You said your life was chaos.
Matt: Yeah I wasn't complaining.
Paige: Matt I'm applying to Banting.
Matt: Banting wow. That's uh aiming for the stars.
Paige: Yeah and once I graduate from business school I'll be able to aim even higher. Everyone that graduates from there does well and I was thinking that with me moving to Kingston for school, maybe you'd consider moving too.
Matt: I know you want this whole big money executive thing and that's, that's great... for you, but my life's just not set. I'm re-evaluating things.
Paige: You'll figure it out.
Matt: What like you figured it out? I mean Paige like, you always have the answers, but you don't even know the questions. I have a buddy in Vancouver who says that he can get me a job painting houses.
Paige: So when will I see you? Do I get to see you?
Matt: I feel like such a jerk. You got me a present and I didn't bring you back anything.
(He pulls out a bag with a joint in it.)
Matt: Here.
Paige: You're dumping me and giving me drugs?
Matt: Paige I can't be expected to sign up for this boring routinized life you've got laid out.
Paige: I don't expect anything Matt. I was hoping that you would want to be with me. That's all.
Matt: Paige I... come on.
(She leaves angry.)
Outside the school
Paige: The most humiliating part, afterwards. The public transit ride of shame.
Marco: Bus? You couldn't take a cab?
Paige: Why be hysterically emotional in front of one cab driver when you've got the entire TTC.
Marco: Well look I have to get to a seminar for University Nunavut.
Paige: Marco come to Banting.
Marco: You're gonna be okay?
Alex: Your face is puffier than usual.
Paige: Does that answer your question?
(Marco leaves.)
Alex: So your date didn't go so well?
Paige: Aren't you uh going the wrong way? Colleges you want to speak to are inside.
Alex: I'm not talking to any colleges.
Paige: Fine. (She pulls out the joint) Take it. It's a present.
Alex: You're pulling out a joint on the front steps of Degrassi? How very un-you of you.
Paige: Would you go if you're stoned?
Alex: I'll go if you're stoned.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Outside the school, by some bushes
Paige: My clothes aren't going to smell, are they? Or my hair? 'Cause you know sometimes in movies, characters eyes like gloss over and they start to nod their heads a lot.
(Alex nods her head laughing.)
Paige: You're nodding. So it's true.
Alex: It does suck, Matt dumping you.
(She lights the joint and passes it to Paige.)
In the school, during the college information sessions
College Rep. 1: Have you thought of Sudbury as a potential post-secondary school?
(Paige and Alex stop and turn around.)
College Rep. 1: Have you thought about Sudbury as a potential post-secondary school?
(Paige and Alex burst out laughing and walk away.)
College Rep. 2: We have a state of the art campus. Um great facilities. Great library, pool...
(Paige tries to focus on what the guy is saying, while Alex takes off the guy's glasses and puts them on while making weird faces.)
In a classroom, during a college info session
(Paige is doing shadow puppets on the overhead and laughing.)
College Rep. 3: Our university has an international reputation for excellence in academics, but our real strength lies in our passion for teaching our students how to become leaders and innovators. Today we're going to discuss our ten world class faculties and their admission requirements.
In the hallway
Jimmy: Derek I want to talk to you.
Derek: Yeah. What's up? Got some more pointers to share? Teach me how to jump?
(Jimmy grabs his arm.)
Derek: Woah. Easy.
Jimmy: What makes you so arrogant? You think you're better than me?
Derek: What?
Jimmy: Answer my question.
Derek: Dude back off now.
Jimmy: Make me. What's wrong, scared?
Derek: Yeah I'm scared. Scared of hurting a cripple.
(Jimmy pushes him against the lockers and they start fighting until Mr. Armstrong walks over.)
Mr. Armstrong: Hey! What's going on?
Derek: He started it!
Jimmy: I'm in a wheelchair.
Mr. Armstrong: Well whatever happened, it's over. I'll see you two at practice.
In the auditorium while the sessions are still going on, Paige and Alex are sitting on the floor
Alex: How are all these people supposed to afford university or college?
Paige: Lots and lots of student loans.
(Paige trips a random student and laughs.)
Alex: What if your only collateral is your mother's welfare check?
Paige: The point is to pay back the loan after you graduate.
Alex: Right. Off my welfare check.
Marco: So I'm applying to Banting.
Paige: What?!
(Paige jumps up excitedly and hugs him.)
Paige: What changed your mind?
Mr. Simpson: Paige! I'll confess when you said you had a family friend at Banting I did not believe you.
Paige: She's here?
Mr. Simpson: Well she's leaving, but I said I'd come get you before she goes. She'll be in the resource center.
In the girl's washroom, Paige is splashing water on her face
Alex: Paige! Paige! This person, she's a family friend?
Paige: Yes, which means not only am I gonna lose out on Banting. My parents are going to find out I'm a pothead too.
Alex: Blow it off.
Paige: No I cant just blow it off!
Alex: It's remarkably easy.
Paige: My entire future depends on this.
Alex: I don't understand you.
Paige: Because you don't have a future!
Alex: What did you say?
Mr. Simpson: (Knocks on the bathroom door) Paige?
Alex: Have a good interview Paige. In the gymnasium
Jimmy: Okay gentlemen bring it in for me please. Okay you can't win without fundamentals so today we're gonna work on our three point shooting okay? Give me the ball.
(He moves to center court and shoots a basket.)
Jimmy: Superstar that's how you shoot a three point shot.
Derek: Really? Cause this is how I do it.
(Derek shoots a basket and gets it in.)
Derek: So what'd you think?
Jimmy: I think it's time to take you to school. Give me the ball.
Derek: See what you got.
(Jimmy moves back, shoots another basket and motions for Derek to shoot, which he does.)
Derek: It was easy.
(Jimmy goes to the end of the court, bounces the ball and throws it into the basket.)
Derek: I got this. I got this.
(Derek throws the ball and misses the basket.)
Jimmy: Congratulations. You just got beat by a cripple.
In the resource center
Paige: Uh Ms. Myers, Elizabeth, Liz?
Ms. Myers: Paige!
(They hug.)
Ms. Myers: So you want to come to Banting. That's pretty exciting.
Paige: Uh yeah it is um exciting. Pretty.
Ms. Myers: Maybe we can finally get your mother up for regular visits, huh?
Paige: Definitely. Um lots and lots of mom.
Ms. Myers: So this fair, did you find it at all helpful?
Paige: Not really.
Ms. Myers: You didn't find any of the universities here interesting?
Paige: Interesting? That's an interesting question. Were they interesting? Wow. Who's to say. Um...
Ms. Myers: Why Banting?
Paige: Well you're the, the Harvard of the north. I mean not you Ms. Myers, Elizabeth, Liz, but Banting I mean...
Ms. Myers: Banting has caché yes, but what also attracts you to our university?
Paige: Well it's very green.
Ms. Myers: Sorry Paige, I feel I have to ask you this. Why do you want to pursue a career in business?
Paige: I have absolutely no idea...and I am so high.
(Paige starts laughing as Ms. Myers stares at her silently.)
In the hallway
Derek: Woah. Dude stop. Was that a fluke? Please tell me that was a fluke.
Jimmy: Are we talking about me sinking it from the ten second line?
Derek: Not just that. Four. In a row. From a chair with no jump.
Jimmy: Try twelve. I've done twelve in a row from a chair with no jump.
Derek: Look you've got to teach me. Come on.
Jimmy: Okay, but when you're showing off for your friends and I know you will, tell them you learnt it from your coach, not the guy who got shot.
Derek: You got it. At the movie theatre, Paige and Alex are working
Alex: Strew the popcorn and don't talk to me.
Paige: If it's any compensation my mom's bestest friend is also her informant and I'm grounded until I die...or go to university. Your party to celebrate my demise can commence now.
Alex: What happened to the you not talking idea I had?
Paige: I was a toad to you. A warty, bumpy, green skinned, horny toad.
Alex: But you were right.
Paige: No I wasn't. I'm not. Alex!
Alex: Paige I don't have a future okay? I don't even know where I'm sleeping tonight. The way my mom and her stupid boyfriend fight I might be at home or I might be at a women's shelter. So how am I supposed to plan for something like university? No I'm wearing this for the rest of my life.
Paige: You're not.
Alex: Odds are I am.
Paige: Well good to know. That's two of us who are scared. Scenes for next week
JT: (To the camera) Liberty is such a control freak. I don't know how she's going to handle this.
Toby: You and Liberty have been uh?
JT: Getting our freak on? Oh yeah. Dozens of times.
Voiceover: JT and Liberty have relationship issues.
Liberty: Maybe this will teach you to keep private matters, private!
(A scene shows her dumping pop down his pants and then it shows her getting a pregnancy test.)
Voiceover: And some are bigger than others.
Liberty: (Talking to JT) I don't want to be pregnant. | Plan: A: her whole future; Q: What does Paige have planned out? A: Banting; Q: What is the name of the best Canadian university? A: a changed man; Q: What does Matt come back as? A: the new basketball coach; Q: What is Jimmy proud to be? A: a new member; Q: What is Derek? A: trouble; Q: What does Derek cause to Jimmy? Summary: Paige has her whole future planned out: She is going to the best Canadian university, Banting, she will live with Matt, and everything will be perfect. That is, until Matt comes back a changed man. Meanwhile, Jimmy is proud to be the new basketball coach, but a new member, Derek, causes trouble. |
(Hospital basement)
MVO: The key to being a successful intern is what we give up. Sleep, friends, a normal life. We sacrifice it all for that one amazing moment. That moment when you can legally call yourself a surgeon.
(Callie and George come out from underneath the blankets, obviously just having finished having s*x.)
Callie: Thank you. Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you.
(Derek and Addison's trailer. They are lying in bed looking disgusted.)
Addison: Thanks.
MVO: There are days that make the sacrifices seem worthwhile.
Derek (Laughing): Oh, my God. You're thanking my for the most boring s*x ever?
Addison: I didn't know what else to say. I mean, you did your best.
Derek: Oh, great. Thanks. You too. It's really nice work.
Addison: We used to be really good at this, didn't we?
Derek: We're going to do this until we get it right. (They butt heads) Ow! Jeez!
(The phone rings.)
Addison: Perfect. Ow.
Derek: That's the hospital. Hello? Hi. No, no, no, no, no. It's about Doc. Yeah. No, I'm here. Yeah, I can pick him up this morning. Sure. Bye. No. Come on.
(Addison takes the phone from Derek.)
Addison: Dr. Dandridge. Dr. Dandridge. I...We're gonna have to call you back. We're trying really hard to have some decent s*x here.
(Screen switches to show Meredith on the phone.)
Addison: Come on. What's so funny?
(Meredith is at the vet, she hangs up without saying anything.)
MVO: And then there are the days where everything feels like a sacrifice.
(Finn enters the room with Doc.)
Finn: Everything ok?
Meredith: Yeah. Everything's great. Hey, Doc. You look good. He looks good.
Finn: It may just be a virus. But I'd like to wait until we get the blood tests and the x-ray results back before I say anything for sure.
Meredith: So he can go home today? Cause Derek says he can pick him up.
Finn: He can go home.
Meredith: You hear that, Doc? You can go home.
Finn: So you and Derek, uh...you're together?
Meredith: Uh...Uh, Derek and I are, um, just friends. He's married and I'm knitting a sweater. And, uh, well, I guess I'm rambling, which I tend to do a lot of lately, and I wish somebody would just tell me to shut up. But my point is...yeah, we're...uh...He's married and I'm knitting a sweater.
Finn: So you're single?
Meredith: Single.
Finn: I ask because I was wondering if you'd like to go out with me.
Meredith: Out. With you.
Finn: On a date. Tonight.
Meredith: A date. Tonight.
Finn: And you're repeating everything I say so that you can buy yourself some time and figure out how, a way to let me down easy. It's ok. I get it.
Meredith: No. No. I...I...um...you know, you're very...it's just that if I were, you would...not dating.
MVO: And then there are the sacrifices that you can't even figure out why you're making.
(Richard, Burke and Bailey are standing in front of the OR board.)
Bailey: Another day, and once again I don't see my name on the board. Chief, any reason my name isn't on the board?
(Richard pats her on the back)
Richard: Slow day.
(Richard walks away.)
Bailey: He just patted me on the back. Tell me, when did I become a person who gets patted on the back?
Burke: You think he's mommy tracking you?
Bailey: What...what have you heard?
Burke: How about you handle Denny Duquette for me today?
Bailey: Absolutely. Thank you, Dr. Burke.
(Bailey walks away and Cristina walks up.)
Cristina: I brought you a coffee.
Burke: Oh, thanks. Uh, very thoughtful.
Cristina: What?
Burke: Nothing. I'm just dragging a little. I only did two miles this morning. O'Malley and I were up to six, we pushed each other.
Cristina: Oh, you're missing George.
Burke: No. No, of course not.
Cristina: Drink your coffee.
Burke: No, that's all right. Actually, I'm waiting on...
(George walks up)
George: Cappuccino.
Burke: Hey, O'Malley.
George: Big news. Eugene Foote is here. He's having problems with his pacemaker.
Burke: Eugene Foote is here? What? In this hospital?
George: Uh-huh.
Cristina: Who's Eugene Foote?
George: Genius violinist? Burke's hero? Burke flew down to San Francisco last year, to put in his pacemaker. Burke has like 40 of his albums.
Burke: No. Um, 42.
George: Actually, 43. Because you just got the greatest hits. You know, the one with the DVD.
Burke: Oh! Right. You want in on Foote?
George: Yes. But, uh, I'm on neuro today with Dr. Shepherd.
Burke: Ok.
George: Eugene...
(George runs off)
Cristina: I want in. Hello. I want in.
Burke: Hmm? Oh. Sure. Yeah, right.
Cristina: Burke? Um, I laid on top of you naked last night. So why don't you wax nostalgic about that?
(Meredith and Alex are standing at the nurse's station.)
Meredith: Obviously, I can't go out with him, right?
Alex: Do I look like a chick to you? Do I look like I care about yeast cream or tingling feelings? I mean, he's not in jail or on drugs or keeping body parts in his basement. You want to do him, do him.
(Cristina walks up)
Meredith: Not do him. Date him. I'm not doing anybody. I'm knitting.
Cristina: I need Eugene Foote's chart. Oh! Who are we talking about?
Meredith: It's weird, right? I mean, he's Derek's vet. He's Doc's vet. He's my vet. He's McVet. It's weird to date him, right?
Cristina: Wait, did you say vet?
Meredith: Mm-hmm.
Cristina: Like animals? Oh, you can't date a vet. He's not even a real doctor.
(Addison walks up.)
Addison: Damn it! s*x. Hot s*x. Need that! Ha-ha, very funny.
Meredith: Mustn't have gone so well this morning.
Cristina: What?
Meredith: Just run if she looks at you.
Addison: I need an intern. Now.
Meredith: I'm with Bailey.
Cristina: I'm with Burke.
Addison: Karev.
Alex: I don't do v*g1n*. Not as a doctor anyway.
Addison: Oh. Back talk. You know what? You just bought yourself a case.
(Meredith and Bailey enter Denny's room)
Bailey: How you feeling this morning, Denny.
Denny: Great. Be even greater if you'd get me off this machine.
Bailey: Denny, you know I would, but then your heart would stop beating, and Dr. Burke would yell at me and that'd make for a very bad day for both of us.
Meredith: Is he a candidate for the portable LVAD?
Denny: Now, see? That's what I'm talking about. Half the size, twice the fun.
(Izzie enters)
Bailey: Ah, you've been doing your research, huh?
Denny: I have.
Izzie: I've already told him, he's not ready for it yet.
Bailey: Dr. Stevens, didn't I assign you to neuro this morning?
Izzie: Yeah. I was...I'm on my way. But could you tell him about the complications?
Meredith: You'd be risking air embolus, v-fib.
Izzie: Yeah and the tubing could kink inside of your body, in which case, we'd have to rush you to emergency surgery.
Bailey: Dr. Stevens, unless Mr. Duquette's heart has suddenly grown a brain, you are currently not doing your job.
Izzie: I'm going. (To Denny) Just don't be stupid, ok?
Denny: You're not the boss of me today, woman.
(Eugene Foote's room)
Eugene: I want you to take it out.
Burke: Take it out? But Mr. Foote, your heart function has improved exponentially since we put the pacemaker in. The setting is working well.
Eugene: You know my music, Dr. Burke.
Burke: Very well, sir. Changed my life.
Eugene: Well, your contraption has changed my heartbeat. It changed my rhythm. I can't play. And that's a sacrifice I am unwilling to make.
Cristina: But you'd be willing to sacrifice your life for your music?
Eugene: They're one and the same.
Burke: Before we do anything drastic, just let me try one more setting on the pacemaker. Listen, one more setting, Mr. Foote. Please.
Eugene: Ok, sure.
(Addison enters the room of Mr. and Mrs. Ward.)
Addison: Hello, Wards.
Kids: Hi.
Addison: We're just waiting on your labs. How you feeling?
Rose: I'm feeling large. Large and cow-like.
Child: Cow?
Rose: Mommy is a cow who needs a quiet talk with the doctor.
Mr. Ward: Hey, guys. Who wants ice cream?
Kids: Me! Me!
(Alex enters the room as Mr. Ward and the kids leave)
Alex: CBC and CHEM-7 look fine.
Addison: Rose?
Rose: I'm sorry. I'm so tired.
Addison: Oh, Rose, well, you know, six kids, 38 weeks pregnant. A saint would be tired.
Rose: Well...I'm no saint. This baby, Joseph...Dr. Shepherd, I need him to be my last. And I really seem to be the most fertile woman on the planet.
Addison: Well, if you're interested in alternative forms of birth control...
Rose: No. What I mean is...today, during the C-section, I need you to tie my tubes. And I need you to do it without my husband ever knowing.
Addison: Rose, you're an adult. He's your husband, not your legal guardian. Telling him would be entirely up to you.
Rose: No, if you charged my insurance he would see it. Any bill you sent, he would see it. I've been saving for this and I can pay you privately.
Addison: So you're saying you want me to do the surgery and leave no record of it?
Alex: Mrs. Ward, if you're being abused, there are people you can talk to.
Rose: Oh, Chris is...He's the opposite of abusive.
Alex: So, if we pull up your medical records we're not gonna find a bunch of old broken bones or...
Rose: If you pull up my medical records, you'll find three natural child births, three C-sections, two hospital stays for exhaustion, and one for dehydration because I was so busy chasing my kids around I forgot to take a sip of water for three days. I think God understands what I'm going through. And I think God will forgive me. But Chris...For him, religion isn't like a buffet table where you get to choose what you want to take and leave the rest. And the Pope says no to birth control, so...I need your help.
Alex: You don't need our help. Your husband's not abusing you. And you don't get to lie to him and blame it on the Pope.
(Outside Rose's room)
Addison: Dr. Karev.
Alex: No offense, but I have no interest in obstetrics or gynecology, Dr. Shepherd. So if you want to throw me off the case, feel free.
Addison: Dr. Karev, I may be a board certified OB/GYN but I also have fellowships in maternal fetal medicine and medical genetics and I'm one of the foremost neonatal surgeons in this country. When you can top that, you can mouth off. Until then, you will do your job and you will do it right, which at this point in time means you keep your mouth shut unless I give you permission to open it. Understood? Understood?
Alex: Oh, are you giving me permission now?
(Derek, George and Izzie enter Ms. Graber's room.)
Derek: Good morning, Ms. Graber.
Ms. Graber: Oh, really? "Good morning?" You haven't let me sleep in three nights.
Derek: Hmm.
Ms. Graber: And this ridiculous hat is destroying my self esteem and I still haven't had a seizure. But, ok, sure, we'll go with "Good morning" if it makes you feel better about yourself.
Derek: Ms. Graber is here for brain mapping. Dr. Stevens?
Izzie: Brain mapping, um it's where you locate the area of the brain where the seizures originate and surgically remove it with minimal damage to the surrounding tissue.
Derek: Excellent.
Ms. Graber: Excellent, except for the fact that it's not working, and I'm losing billable hours. Unless any of you are looking to get out of a bad marriage?
(Derek, George and Izzie have looks on their faces.)
George and Izzie: No.
Ms. Graber: Dr. Shepherd?
Derek: Yes. No. I'm fine, thank you.
Ms. Graber: Really?
Derek: Yes.
Ms. Graber: Cause I'm an excellent divorce attorney.
Derek: I'm sure you are.
Ms. Graber: And there was a look. Between these two.
Derek: A look?
Izzie: No. No look.
Ms. Graber: What is it? You married young and now you have nothing in common? Oh, no, don't tell me. I know. The conversation is still good but the s*x has gone to pot.
(Outside Ms. Graber's room.)
Izzie: Make her seize? How do we make someone have a seizure?
Derek: Do your research. Get creative.
George: Well, if all the normal methods have failed, then...what are we supposed to do?
Derek: Use a strobe light. Get her drunk. Hang her from the ceiling upside down and hit with a Wiffle Ball bat for all I care. Ok? Just make her seize. Because until she seizes, I don't know where to operate. And if I don't know where to operate, I can't get this woman out of my life. And this woman is not how I like to start my mornings.
(George and Izzie are sitting a computers, researching.)
Izzie: I'm just curious, George. Curious George. Get it? Never mind. All I'm asking is where you live.
George: Listen to this, there's an old school arcade game that's been know to induce seizures if you reach level 53.
Izzie: Our divorce lawyer is so not playing an arcade game for 53 levels. Oh, George, by the way, um, where do you live?
George: I'm busy doctoring, Dr. Stevens. No time for chitchat.
(Callie enters)
Callie: Morning, Dr. O'Malley.
George: Uh...morning, Dr. Torres.
Callie: Hmm. So, guess what.
(They begin talking and laughing in hushed tones, while Izzie looks on.)
Izzie: Dr. O'Malley, how's all the doctoring going?
(Eugene is playing his violin, Burke is watching on)
Eugene: You tell me.
Burke: It's an honor to hear you play.
Eugene: Too good a man to lie. I'll read your mind: his timing is off. His rhythm is off. This man has no business calling himself Eugene Foote.
Burke: You understand, sir, that in the months since the initial surgery, scar tissue has formed around the pacemaker. Removing it is not nearly as simple as it sounds.
Eugene: I picked up the violin at six years old. It was in my grandfather's attic. I didn't even know what it was. But I remember picking it up. That moment. I remember putting the bow to the strings and pulling. Just that. Just that screechy little chirp. And that was it. I was hooked. You remember a moment like that in your life? I know this surgery could kill me. I also know you're the best, which makes you my best shot of survival. I'd like you to be the one to operate, Dr. Burke. But if you won't, I'll find someone who will.
(Burke and Cristina are walking down stairs in the hospital.)
Burke: He's right.
Cristina: What? He can't play?
Burke: He can't play like Eugene Foote.
Cristina: Ok. So, uh, surgery?
Burke: He says he will go somewhere else if I refuse. I might let him.
Cristina: Why? Oh, you can't let him go somewhere else. What are you...? Ok, what if it were you? What if you couldn't be a surgeon anymore? Or...Or you could still be one, but...but not a great one. Just average. He can get his surgery somewhere else. But that surgeon might be average.
(Meredith and Bailey are in Denny's room.)
Meredith: EKG, ECHO, and nuclear all within normal limits.
Bailey: Denny, in that case, I see no reason why you can't be up walking.
Denny: Music to my ears, Dr. Bailey.
Bailey: Good. So, you have any questions?
Denny: No. It's...
Bailey: We can put it off. No harm in waiting a few weeks if you have questions. If you're worried.
Denny: I've got 20 tubes coming out of my body, one of which goes directly into my you-know-what. At some point I'd like to use that you-know-what for something besides peeing into a bag. Like, for instance, peeing into a toilet. It's just...Izzie gave me medical advice. You're giving me different advice. It just so happens that yours is the advice I want to hear.
Meredith: Well, Dr. Bailey outranks Dr. Stevens. So, it's safe to say Dr. Bailey's advice is the one to follow. (Meredith gives Denny a "shut up" look.)
Bailey: That's not what he's worried about, Dr. Grey. He's worried that Dr. Stevens might get her ego bruised and her feelings hurt, am I right?
Denny: (glances at Meredith) No, no. Definitely no.
Bailey: Because, it would concern me if you were making medical decisions based on how our Dr. Stevens might feel about it.
Denny: Well, in that case, I say we do this thing. Screw that dizzy blonde doctor girl.
Bailey: That's not helping, Denny.
Denny: No?
Meredith and Bailey: No.
(Outside Denny's room)
Bailey: What's going on between Stevens and Denny? Is it a crush? Is it an innocent flirtation? Or is Stevens actually crossing the line?
Meredith: I know she likes him. I can't imagine Izzie would do that.
Bailey: Uh-huh. I couldn't imagine you and Yang would be stupid enough to fall for your attendings, but I was wrong about that, wasn't I?
Meredith: I'm knitting these days. Plus, I'm thinking about accepting a date with a veterinarian.
Bailey: Grey. Do you actually believe I care?
Meredith: No.
Bailey: Good. Maybe you're not so stupid after all.
(George and Izzie are in Ms. Graber's room.)
Ms. Graber: Explain to me one more time exactly what this is supposed to do.
George: Having the TV this close makes the flickering and flashing bigger and more intense, which can cause seizures.
Ms. Graber: Oh. Normally I don't have time to watch TV, but this week I've discovered Oprah. You know, she's famous in my business for never marrying that boyfriend of hers. Wise, wise woman.
(George and Izzie sit on a couch in the room while Ms. Graber watches the TV.)
Izzie: So, first you won't tell me where you live and now I'm on the outside of your inside jokes, with Callie. When did I end up on the outside, George?
George: You're not on the outside.
Izzie: Ok, now you're lying. To my face.
George: You're being paranoid.
Ms. Graber: Well, I'm not seizing. But I am having an acid flashback. Does that count?
(Addison and Alex are in Rose Wade's room.)
Addison: Rose...Seven kids...it's a lot. Are you sure that Chris isn't feeling the same way? When we were first married, we were so broke that I went on the pill, for a while. And Chris stopped taking Communion. When he does that, he thinks he's...
Alex: Thinks he's going to hell. He thinks you're both going to hell.
Rose: The reason we haven't had a baby in four years is because we abstained for three. Now can you imagine not being able to make love to your husband?
Addison: Um...the, uh...pill...
Rose: I can't hide the pill. He would find out.
Alex: If he found out, what? I mean, he won't divorce you. He doesn't believe in that.
Rose: Do you see the way he's looking at me, right now?
Addison: Dr. Karev was just leaving.
Rose: No, no, no. Just...just look at him for a minute. That look he has on his face, that's how my husband would look at me if he knew about any of this. And I can't have my husband look at me like that. And I can't have any more babies.
(Izzie, Cristina and Meredith are sitting around a nurse's station.)
Izzie: For the record? I am on your side today. George sucks.
Cristina: Hmm. Burke doesn't think so. He's his new best friend.
Izzie: I wonder if Burke knows where he lives. How's Denny doing? Bailey's not caving in on the LVAD thing, is she?
Meredith: About that...I thought Alex was kidding when he said you dumped him for a heart patient. Did you really dump him for a heart patient?
Izzie: Of course not.
Meredith: Because Denny's a patient. We can't fall for our patients.
Cristina: You're falling for a vet.
Meredith: I'm considering the possibility of maybe having a date with a vet.
Cristina: That's all I'm saying.
Meredith: My point is, Bailey's on the warpath about you and Denny. So just be careful.
(OR, Rose's baby has just been delivered.)
Addison: How's the sponge count, Dr. Karev?
Alex: There all accounted for, but I see a bleeder here.
Addison: It's small. Get the Bovie and cauterize it.
Alex: I got it.
Addison: That's good. Uh, there's a little bleeding near the tube here. Can you hand me the Bovie, Dr. Karev?
Alex: I don't see any abnormal bleeding.
Addison: Are you the surgeon here?
Alex: No.
Addison: Then give me the Bovie. Give me the Bovie, Dr. Karev.
(Rose's room, Addison and Alex are there)
Addison: Hey there, Joseph. Welcome to the world. Rose, before we bring your family in to see you, I wanted to let you know that there was a complication with your surgery. We had some unexpected bleeding that caused damage to both fallopian tubes.
Rose: So you're saying...?
Addison: You won't be able to have any more children.
Rose: Thank you, Dr. Shepherd.
Addison: As I said, it was...a complication.
Rose: I understand.
(Alex and Addison leave the room.)
Alex: A complication? That's what you're calling it?
Addison: That's what it was.
Alex: Really? Cause in that case, it's one of the most bizarre obstetric complications in history.
Addison: She is our patient. Our obligation is to her and her only.
(Meredith enters the elevator where Derek is.)
Meredith: Hey.
Derek: Well, hey.
Meredith: Uh, you picked up Doc?
Derek: Yeah. He's home.
Meredith: He seems to be doing much better.
Derek: He seems to be doing good.
Meredith: (Laughing) I'm not laughing at you.
Derek: No.
Meredith: No, it's just, you know, bad s*x isn't really something that wives want announced to the dirty ex-mistress.
Derek: You're not the dirty ex-mistress. You're her friend. She's your friend. I'm your friend. We're all...friends.
Meredith: But you didn't tell her.
Derek: No. How's your day going?
Meredith: Great.
Derek: Good.
Meredith: The vet asked me if we...
Derek: What? What did he ask you?
Meredith: If we were together.
Derek: Uh-huh.
Meredith: And I set him straight.
(The elevator opens)
Derek: Good day, Meredith.
Meredith: You too, Derek.
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Ms. Graber's room.)
Ms. Graber: I'm not drinking another shot of espresso. I can't.
George: You can. You're the best divorce attorney in Seattle.
Izzie: The best.
George: You can kick that espresso shot's ass.
Izzie: Kick it.
George: Kick it.
Both: Kick it, kick! Yeah!
Ms. Graber: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Ok, good. So, caffeine's for seizures. What's the doughnuts for?
Izzie: They are to absorb some of the coffee so it doesn't burn a hole through your stomach.
Ms. Graber: Good. Ok, good idea. Mm. Oh. Do you know how long it has been since I have had a doughnut? I really, really, really, really, really like doughnuts.
George: Well then, why don't you eat them?
Ms. Graber: Got to stay on top of my game. No time for exercise. No carbs. No sugar. Can't have a sugar crash in court. You know, stupid court. Court is stupid because I love doughnuts.
(Derek enters)
Izzie: You're making really good progress.
(Bailey and Meredith are in Denny's room. Richard enters.)
Denny: Hey there, Chief. You here for my big moment?
Richard: Yeah, I'm looking forward to it, Denny.
(He starts looking over Bailey's shoulder.)
Bailey: Is there something I can do for you, Chief?
Richard: His EKG?
Bailey: Normal. As well as his ECHO and nuclear study.
Richard: Mm-hmm. His perfusion?
Bailey: He's ready, Chief.
Richard: Well, looking good. Carry on.
Bailey: Thank you, sir.
(Ms. Graber's room, she is playing a video game.)
Ms. Graber: Die! Die! Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Next level. I'm at the next level. God, this is exhilarating!
George: Good. Keep going. Keep going. You only have 12 more levels before you reach prime seizure potential.
Izzie: This is fun. Yeah, right? You know? Like fun that we had at home back when you used to tell me things. Like where you live?
George: Don't start that again.
Izzie: I'm not starting anything, I'm just saying, there's fun to be had. All the time, with me, your best friend.
George: It's not like we're in high school.
Izzie: George, don't do the whispering under your breath thing. If you've got something to say, say it.
George: Yeah, last time you gave me that advice it went really well.
Izzie: You're seriously pissed at me because of what happened between you and Meredith?
George: No. Yeah.
(Eugene's surgery, violin music is playing.)
Burke: Oh. He recorded this at the Hollywood Bowl a couple years ago.
Cristina: It's nice.
Burke: It's not nice. It's brilliant.
(Mr. Ward walks up to Alex at the nurse's station.)
Mr. Ward: Excuse me. You were one of my wife's doctors, weren't you? Rose Ward?
Alex: Yes, I was.
Mr. Ward: She just told me there was a complication with her C-section.
(George and Izzie are in Ms. Graber's room, arguing.)
Izzie: I told you to tell her how you feel, I did not tell you to jump into bed with her.
George: Whatever you told me...
Ms. Graber: Adultery.
George: Why did you send me in there? Was it to humiliate me?
Izzie: No...
George: I mean, if you knew she didn't love me, why? What kind of friend does that?
(Alex and Mr. Ward at the nurse's station.)
Mr. Ward: It's just...it was shocking. Someone says there's a complication and everything changes.
(Denny's room, he is sitting up, wheezing.)
Denny: I...can't...breathe.
Richard: Are all those batteries...
Bailey: Yes, they're charged. I checked them myself.
Meredith: He's having runs of V-tach.
Richard: Could be an air embolism.
Bailey: I got it.
(Eugene's surgery.)
Burke: Damn it. We got to tamponade.
Nurse: BP's not registering.
Burke: Keep transfusing PRBCs. He has a full ventricular perforation. Hand me a 2-0 prolene. Cristina. Replace my hand with yours. Yes. And hold on for dear life.
(George and Izzie in Ms. Graber's room, still arguing.)
Izzie: You didn't want to hear it.
George: Yes, I...
Ms. Graber: Oh, some denial. I can work with that.
Izzie: You wanted to keep on loving her, George. You did not want to hear it.
(Denny's room)
Meredith: Should we intubate?
Richard: We'll call respiratory to do it.
(Mr. Ward and Alex)
Mr. Ward: Rose says it's a blessing. It's God's will. Maybe it is.
Alex: Maybe it is. A blessing, I mean. This complication.
(Eugene's OR)
Cristina: His heart's not moving at all.
Burke: Keep compressing as I was doing.
Doctor: There's no signs of life. Blood pressure is nonexistent.
(Denny's room)
Richard: Ok, the tubing could be kinked. We need to move him to the OR.
Bailey: Sir, I got this.
Richard: Well, it doesn't look like you've got this.
Bailey: I've got this.
(Ms. Graber's room)
Izzie: Oh, my God! You knew the risks! You knew she was in love with someone else...
Ms. Graber: I'm getting an aura.
Izzie: No! I am not saying that what she did wasn't wrong. I am just saying that you need to take a tiny piece of responsibilty...
(Ms. Graber starts seizing)
George: She's seizing. Go page, Shepherd.
(Alex and Mr. Ward)
Alex: This complication might be God's way of helping you put your seven kids through college.
Mr. Ward: What are you saying?
Alex: I'm saying get a lawyer.
(Alex walks away.)
(Denny starts breathing normally)
(Eugene flatlines)
Burke: Time of death: 18:32.
(Meredith is in Denny's room checking on him)
Meredith: Everything looks good, Denny.
Denny: Well, you gotta thank Dr. Bailey for me. I mean, I already thanked her once, but this here deserves a double scoop.
Meredith: I know I don't know you very well.
Denny: You want to talk to me about Izzie?
Meredith: Yeah.
Denny: Because you disapprove?
Meredith: No. This comes from nothing resembling a high horse. High horses want nothing to do with me. You know, this thing with you and Izzie, it's...there are strict rules about doctors dating patients.
Denny: You know Izzie pretty well, right? You think if I went to her and I said, "Hey, you know, this is going to be really bad for your career." "You probably shouldn't come round and see me anymore," you think that'll have any effect at all? The thing is, I was healthy my whole life until I wasn't. And for the last year, I've had a lot of time to lay around in bed and think about my life. And the things that I remember best? Well, those are the things that I wasn't supposed to do and I did them anyway. So the thing is, Meredith...life is too damn short to be following these rules.
(Richard and Bailey are in the hallway)
Bailey: May I ask what motive you had for undermining my authority in front of my patient and intern?
Richard: I'm not punishing you, Dr. Bailey.
Bailey: But you are. I mean, I had a baby. And so you are.
Richard: Yes, you had a baby. And now you're sleep deprived.
Bailey: Every doctor in this hospital is sleep deprived.
Richard: You just came back from maternity leave, and I'm not convinced you're back on your game. This is not a punishment or a reflection on how highly I value you. It's just the way it is.
(Nurse walks up and points to Mr. Ward.)
Nurse: I'm sorry to interrupt, Chief. But that man over there is asking to talk to you.
Richard: Excuse me.
(Vet's office, Finn is there when Meredith enters.)
Meredith: Hey.
Finn: I thought you were knitting a sweater.
Meredith: I am. But I'm also dating. You. If you still want to. I should've called, you know. I was going to call...
Finn: No, no. Uh...don't call. Never call. Always show up.
Meredith: Ok.
Finn: Ok. But I can't tonight. I've got an errand I have to run.
Meredith: I run errands.
(They enter a stable)
Finn: This shouldn't take too long. And we can grab dinner right after.
Meredith: After?
Finn: After she gives birth.
Meredith: We're birthing a horse?
Finn: Yeah.
Meredith: That was your errand? You're birthing a horse?
Finn: Yeah. I guess I could've mentioned it before. But, you know, I didn't want to scare you back to your knitting. She's getting anxious. You can wait back here.
Meredith: Back here?
Finn: If you want, I mean. It gets a little messy.
Meredith: Are you kidding? I want to birth a horse.
(Addison walks up to the nurse's station where Richard is standing.)
Addison: Richard, we have to talk about Alex Karev. I know he's talented, but his attitude, in my opinion, has reached an unacceptable low.
Richard: Addison. You've got a bigger problem today than Alex Karev. Mr. Ward has been speaking with our attorney regarding his wife's surgery. Now I read your chart. I read the nurse's notes. Now, can you explain to me what kind of complication from a C-section leads to the severing of both fallopian tubes?
(Derek is in Ms. Graber's room)
Derek: Well, the bad news is...you had a grand mal seizure. The good news is we mapped it, so now we can operate.
Mrs. Graber: No. I've decided against surgery, Dr. Shepherd.
Derek: I'm sorry.
Mrs. Graber. No offense. The risks of craniotomy...when you described them, they're not terribly appealing.
Derek: Yes, there are risks. But you have to weigh those risks with the uh, detrimental effect your seizure disorder has on your life.
Ms. Graber: Unless my life is having a detrimental effect on my seizure disorder. It's like with you and your wife: is the bad s*x your biggest problem or are all the bigger problems causing the bad s*x?
Derek: I'm, uh...I'm not going to answer that.
Ms. Graber: All right, my point is, I had more fun today that I can remember. I don't have any friend. I don't have any fun. I only have work. Work and seizures. And it's no coincidence that when the work stopped, the seizures stopped. Until these two started arguing.
Derek: All right, I'm gonna talk to them about that.
Ms. Graber: No, you don't get it. Watching people fight...oh. It's been my whole life for 15 years. So, I'm changing my life. Look and if that doesn't work, I'll come back here and let you cut open my brain, ok?
Derek: All right. Fair enough.
(Stable, baby foal stands up.)
Finn: It's pretty good, huh?
Meredith: Yeah, it's pretty good.
(Addison enters Rose Ward's room)
Addison: How're you feeling
Rose: A little sore.
Addison: Oh, that's to be expected.
Rose: I'm sorry I told Chris about the complication. I just...I just thought he should know that Joseph would be our last. So he could savor it. I didn't know he was going to do this.
Addison: Rose. I need you to tell him that you asked me to tie your tubes.
Rose: For you, it's just insurance. And you don't even have to pay. For me, it's my marriage. It's my family.
Addison: It's my career, Rose. It's my reputation.
Rose: You're the best. People come from all over the country to see you. That won't change. I can't tell him. Dr. Shepherd...I'm so sorry because I am so grateful to you. But I can't tell him.
(Burke is in a scrub room, he is listening to Eugene's music)
(Finn's apartment)
Finn: Is it coming off?
Meredith: Not exactly.
Finn: I'm sorry.
Meredith: Oh, don't be. It was a great date.
Finn: Technically it wasn't the date. It was the errand. Now...we could go up to my place. I could cook for you.
Meredith: Go up to your place?
Finn: Well, do you want to come up to my place?
Meredith: Yeah. I mean, no. No, I don't. I...I do. But I don't.
Finn: You don't know?
Meredith: No, I do. I mean, I...I know. No, I don't.
Finn: All right, well, here's the deal. Um...you have two options. You could come up to my place, take off all your clothes, shower off the goo, borrow one of my shirts, and I'll cook you dinner. That's door number one Door number two...you go home. I think you ought to take door one, because, you know. It involves you naked in my apartment. But, you know...that's just me.
Meredith: I should point out that there's absolutely nothing you could say that would make me go upstairs with you. I'm kind of offended that you think that I would go upstairs with you. And you should know that I am celibate. So...
Finn: Shut up.
Meredith: I absolutely cannot have...s*x with you.
Finn: If you choose door number one, I absolutely will not have s*x with you.
Meredith: You won't?
Finn: I promise I won't. I won't even try to kiss you.
Meredith: Why not?
Finn: Meredith.
Meredith: What?
Finn: Choose door number one.
MVO: A wise man once said, "You can have anything in life, if you will sacrifice everything else for it."
(Ms. Graber's room, she is packing to go home.)
George: I hope it works. You changing your life.
Ms. Graber: So do I.
George: Ok.
Ms. Graber: Hey, George. I don't know much but I do know fighting. And people who fight like you and Izzie...those people love each other. She misses her friend.
MVO: What he meant is, nothing comes without a price.
(Addison walks past Alex in a stairway.)
Alex: The road to hell is paved with good intentions.
MVO: So before you go into battle, you better decide how much you're willing to lose.
Addison: Dr. Karev. You did such a good job today that I'm going to talk to Dr. Bailey and have you assigned to my service.
Alex: What? For how long?
Addison: For as long as I want. Your ass is mine until I say otherwise. Congratulations.
Izzie is in Denny's room. He is standing at the doorway[/i])
Izzie: You got it.
Denny: I did indeed.
Izzie: And you're ok?
Denny: Are you kidding me? I'm great. I mean look at this. Some nice sized batteries, colorful wires. It's what your best dressed LVAD patients are wearing these days, you know?
Izzie: Really? Because it seems so last fall.
(They hug)
Izzie: You're tall.
Denny: I know.
(Bailey walks up and sees them hugging.)
MVO: Too often, going after what feels good, means letting go of what you know is right.
(Cristina sits down on the bed next to Burke)
Cristina: You did everything you could.
Burke: There was an interview that Eugene gave. I saved it. I taped it to my bathroom mirror. He said that he wasn't the most talented student at music school. But he said what he lacked in natural ability he made up for in discipline. He practiced. All the time. All the time, he practiced. I wasn't like you. I wasn't the most talented student in school. I wasn't the brightest. But I was the best.
Cristina: You practiced.
Burke: I practiced.
MVO: And letting someone in means abandoning the walls you've spent a lifetime building.
(Derek carries Doc into Finn's place.)
Derek: I got home he was listless and hadn't eaten all day.
Finn: Oh, no. Lets have a look.
(Meredith walks down the stairs and sees Derek standing there. She has obviously just gotten out of the shower.)
MVO: Of course the toughest sacrifices are the ones we don't see coming.
Meredith: Hey.
Derek: Hey.
(Derek gives her a look)
Meredith: Is he sick again?
Derek: Yeah.
(George enters Meredith's house with Callie right behind him)
Izzie: George! Hey.
George. Hey.
Izzie: Oh, hi.
Callie: Hey.
George: So we spent the night at Callie's last night, so we figured we'd just spend the night here.
Izzie: Um, ok. So, um...you're back then just...for tonight?
George: Well, Callie's here for the night. I'm, uh...I don't know. It's my room, you know. I pay rent.
Izzie: Welcome home.
MVO: When we don't have time to come up with a strategy, to pick a side or measure the potential loss.
(Derek enters the trailer where Addison is. Derek starts undressing.)
Addison: You would not believe the day I had. I went out of my way to give a patient exactly what she wants, only to have it explode in my face. I mean, lawsuit, threats, Richard's pissed. Don't even get me started about Alex Karev.
Derek: Get in the shower.
Addison: What?
Derek: Get in the shower with me.
Addison: Honey, it's a very small shower.
Derek: You want to have hot s*x?
(He is naked and she starts taking her clothes off quickly.)
Addison: Thank you.
MVO: When that happens, when the battle chooses us, and not the other way around, that's when the sacrifice can turn out to be more than we can bear.
(They enter the shower and can be seen pressing up against the glass.) | Plan: A: Izzie; Q: Who tries to get a divorce lawyer to have a seizure so he can operate on her? A: George; Q: Who moves back in with Izzie and Meredith? A: instructions; Q: What did Derek give Izzie to get a divorce lawyer to have a seizure? A: Derek; Q: Who finally agrees to have hot sex with Addison? A: a seizure; Q: What does Izzie try to get a divorce lawyer to have so Derek can operate on her? A: her seventh child; Q: What is the pregnant woman expecting? A: a difficult decision; Q: What did Addison and Alex face when the woman requested her tubes be tied off-record? A: any more children; Q: What does the woman not want to have? A: Burke; Q: Who performs surgery on his musical hero? A: the violin; Q: Burke's musical hero wants his pacemaker removed because it has ruined his ability to play what instrument? A: Meredith; Q: Who decides to abandon her knitting and accept a date with Doc's vet? A: Denny; Q: Who tells Meredith that life is too short to follow the rules? Summary: Izzie grills George about the personal details of his life, and under instructions from Derek, tries to get a divorce lawyer to have a seizure so he can operate on her. Addison and Alex treat a pregnant woman who is expecting her seventh child, and face a difficult decision when the woman requests her tubes be tied off-record in order for her to avoid telling her very religious husband that she doesn't want to have any more children. Burke performs surgery on his musical hero who wants a pacemaker removed as it has ruined his ability to play the violin. Meredith learns from Denny that life is too short to follow the rules, and decides to abandon her knitting and accept a date with Doc's vet. George moves back in with Izzie and Meredith. Derek finally agrees to have hot sex with Addison. |
NARRATOR: Previously on Teen Wolf When a kitsune rubs its tails together it can create fire or lightning. It's called foxfire. All day I have been hearing this sound.
(WHISPERING)
You've been right every time something like this has happened. So don't start doubting yourself now. Are you all right?
STILES: I guess not really.
ALLISON: They're called the oni. They're looking for someone possessed. A dark spirit attached to them.
(PHONE VIBRATING)
Scott: Hey, man, what's up? Stiles?
(STILES BREATHING NERVOUSLY)
Scott: Stiles? You there?
STILES: (WHISPERING) Scott? Hey, I'm here.
Scott: Are you okay? Can you hear me?
Stiles: Scott, I don't I don't know where I am. I don't know how I got here. I think was sleepwalking.
Scott: Okay, um, can you see anything? Just tell me what you see.
Stiles: Ah, it's dark. It's hard to see. I think there's something wrong with my
(DISCONNECTS)
STILES: (VOICE MAIL) Hey Stiles? This is Stiles and you missed me. Leave a message
(EXHALES DEEPLY)
Scott: Come on.
STILES: (VOICE MAIL) Hey, this is St
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
Scott: God, come on. Come on.
Scott: Stiles?
STILES: Scott, I don't think I can get out of here. I can't move.
Scott: Where are you?
Stiles: I don't know. I don't know, It's too dark. I can't see much and something's wrong with my leg. It's stuck on something. And it's.. I think it's bleeding.
Scott: How bad? Stiles, how bad is it? Stiles, are you there? Can you hear me?
Stiles: Ah, there's some kind of smell down here. Something smells terrible. It's brutal. My eyes are watering.
Scott: Okay, listen. I'm calling your dad.
Stiles: No, no, no, no, don't.
Scott: But your dad
Stiles: Don't. Just please don't call him. Promise you won't. He already worries about me too much. Scott, please.
Scott: But what if I can't find you? Stiles, I can't make a promise like that.
Stiles: No, no, no, just please.
(SNIFFLING)
Stiles: Please, don't call him. Come find me. You can do it. He doesn't have to know. Scott, you can find me.
Scott: I don't know if I can do this.
(SNIFFLING)
Stiles: Oh, I gotta call you back. I have to turn the phone off.
Scott: What? No, hey, wait
Stiles: I'm gonna call you back.
Scott: Hold on, Stiles wait Hold on, man.
(PANTING)
(YELLING)
Scott: Isaac! Isaac, get up! I need your help! Isaac!
Isaac: Why? What's wrong?
Scott: It's Stiles. Get dressed.
Isaac: What's wrong with Stiles?
Scott: I don't know.
(JAZZY MUSIC PLAYING)
Lydia: I said hold still.
Are we even allowed to be here this late? What if security catches us?
Lydia: There is no security. The number of homicides in this school has seen to it that no sane person will ever take a night job here again. So we're all alone?
Lydia: You're losing the pose again. You know, when you said you wanted me to model for you, this wasn't what I thought you had in mind.
Lydia: Oh, really? If you're thinking nude modeling, it's usually done without the pants.
(PANT UNZIPPING)
(MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING)
(SOUND OF VOICES SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)
Lydia: You hear that?
Hear what?
Lydia: You don't hear that? I hear music. What do you hear?
Lydia: Voices.
(STATIC BLARING)
LYDIA: It's gone.
STILES: Please, come find me.
(PHONE VIBRATES)
Scott: Hey, Stiles.
STILES: Did you call him? Did you call my dad?
Scott: No. Just Isaac. We're coming to find you. Can you figure out where you are? Try to find something and tell us where to look.
STILES: It's a basement. I think I think I'm in some kind of basement.
Scott: In a house?
Stiles: No. It looks bigger. Like industrial. I think there's a furnace. But it's cold. It's freezing down here. I gotta turn the I gotta turn the phone off. It's going to die.
Scott: Wait, wait, wait. What else is there? What do you see?
Stiles: The phone's dying. I can't talk. (WHISPERING) I have to go.
Scott: Please Stiles, why are you whispering?
Stiles:(WHISPERING) Because I think there's someone in here with me.
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
Kira: Mom, my lamp's dead. Do we have any more bulbs? Mom!
(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)
(GLASS SHATTERING)
What did you do?
Kira: Uh, nothing. It was an accident.
NOSHIKO: It's after midnight. You should be asleep.
(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)
Go to sleep. How did you know? Did he call you too?
Lydia: I heard it.
AIDEN: Don't ask. It gets more confusing when you ask.
(WHISPERS)
Okay.
Lydia: Not as confusing as this. He uses red for unsolved cases. Maybe he thinks he's part of an unsolved case? Or is an unsolved case.
Lydia: Hold on. Is he still out there? You don't know where he is?
Scott: He said he was in an industrial basement somewhere. We came here to get a better scent. What else did he say? Something's wrong with his leg. It's bleeding. And he's freezing.
AIDEN: Tonight's the coldest night of the year. It's going to drop into the 20s.
Lydia: What did his dad say? We kind of We didn't tell him yet.
Lydia: Stiles is bleeding and freezing and you didn't call his dad?
Scott: He made me promise not to. We can find him by scent. If he was sleepwalking he couldn't have gotten far, right?
Lydia: You didn't notice his Jeep is gone, did you? You promised you wouldn't call his dad. I didn't.
Scott: Wait, Lydia, hold on. I can get more help. I can call Derek, Allison Everyone except for the cops. Great idea. You guys remember she gets these feelings when someone's about to die, right?
Scott: You don't have to call his dad. It's five minutes to the station.
Lydia: We'll catch up. What? Why?
Lydia: There's something here. Yeah. Evidence of total insanity. We can figure out what's wrong with him after we find a way to keep him from freezing to death.
LYDIA: Go. We'll be right behind you.
(PANTING)
(SCREAMING)
(SOBBING)
(SCRAPING)
(SNIFFLING)
Stiles: Who's there? I know you're there. I can hear you.
(SNIFFLING)
(SCRAPING CONTINUES)
(SNIFFLING)
(PANTING)
Stiles: Who are you?
(EXHALES DEEPLY)
(PANTING)
Self.
(PANTING CONTINUOUSLY)
(WIND BLOWING)
(STILINSKI BREATHES)
Come on. If his Jeep is gone, that's where we start. Parrish, let's get an APB out on a blue 1980 CJ-5 Jeep. Cordova, I want a list of any kind of industrial basement or sub-level of any building that he could've gotten into while sleepwalking. It's the coldest night of the year so far. So If he's out their barefoot in just a T-shirt, he could already be hypothermic. Let's move fast. Let's think fast. The two of you, come with me. Okay. Is there anything you need to tell me that I can't tell anyone out there? Lydia knew he was missing. Can she help find him? Well, she's working on it. Anything else?
SCOTT: I called Derek and Allison for help. Can you find him by scent?
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
We got it, sir. We found the Jeep.
(SIRENS WAILING)
It's dead. He must have left the lights on. Why would he come here? Let's find out. Security's doing sweeps of every floor. Nothing yet. What about the basement? Follow me.
Derek: He's not here. Not anymore.
Scott: You mean the whole building?
Derek: Gone. I'll go tell Stilinski. And see if you can find Allison. She's not answering her phone.
Derek: Notice how strong the scent is up here? Ever hear of chemo signals? Chemical signals that communicate emotion. And just our sweat can give off anger, fear or disgust. Take a deep breath and tell me what you feel.
Scott: Stress.
Derek: And anxiety.
Scott: What was he doing up here?
Derek: I don't know. But there was definitely some kind of struggle.
Scott: With who?
Derek: Himself. Where is everyone? We get a lead on our sword-wielding maniac? Nope. But we've got posters up all over town for your guy. Not exactly how I described him to the sketch artist. Well, you're not exactly the highest priority of the tonight, Agent McCall. What does that mean? What's the high priority? Didn't you draw this?
Lydia: Put that back. It's yours right?
Lydia: It's one of them. I guess. He likes you a lot, doesn't he?
Lydia: Maybe he likes the drawing a lot. "For Lydia." Okay.
(PHONE BEEPS)
(TEXT MESSAGE)
"Nothing at hospital Derek headed to high school."Isaac going to find Allison." And Scott's with the Sheriff. And we're standing in a bedroom staring at the walls.
(BEEPING SOUND)
(VOICES WHISPERING)
Lydia: What did you just do? Did you touch one of the strings?
Maybe.
(PINGING SOUND)
(VOICES WHISPERING)
Lydia: What did that sound like to you?
Like a string being pulled.
Lydia: You didn't hear people whispering? I definitely did not hear people whispering.
(VOICES WHISPERING LOUDLY)
Lydia: You didn't hear that?
Lydia, I'm not sure anyone hears what you hear.
Lydia: They're whispering. Something about a house. What house?
(VOICES WHISPERING LOUDLY)
Lydia: That one.
What's Eichen House?
Lydia: A mental health center. It's where William Barrow, the shrapnel bomber, was committed. Is that it?
Lydia: That's where he is. That's where Stiles is.
[SCENE_BREAK]
No, come on.
(SNIFFLING)
(PANTING)
(SCREAMING)
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
Stiles: Who's there? Who are you?
(SPEAKING JAPANESE)
Stiles: What?
(SPEAKING JAPANESE)
Stiles: I don't I don't understand.
Not who are you, Stiles. Who are we?
(GROANS)
It's getting colder, Stiles. Did you notice that we've stopped shivering? Do you know why that's a bad sign?
Stiles: It's the body trying to conserve energy. It was my fifth grade science report. Hypothermia. Our speech is starting to thicken. Then comes fatigue. Confusion. We're going to die if we don't get out of here.
Stiles: Stop saying that. Stop saying we. We're just trying to keep you from freezing to death. You better get up, Stiles.
Stiles: How? There's a freaking steel-jawed trap on my leg! Is there?
(SOBBING)
Notice something different? It was on your right leg before, wasn't it?
Stiles: No Are you sure? What is this? What are you doing? We're trying to save you, Stiles. We're trying to save your life.
STILINSKI: Lydia, I don't want to say "Are you sure about this" but No, he's here.
Lydia: I swear to God he's here. I need access to all basement rooms in this facility. Hey, is this the exact transcript of Scott and Stiles's phone call? It's what he gave us. But these words. Stiles says, "Something smells terrible. My eyes are watering."
MELISSA: Hi, I'm Melissa McCall. I was hoping to see Agent McCall. What are you doing here? My shift was over. I just wanted to see if I could help. It's here. It's right here.
LYDIA: Stiles? Lydia?
Lydia: I don't get it. This has to be it. Then where is he, huh? Where is he? Where is he? I'm sorry.
Lydia: I don't understand.
(ENGINE REVVING)
MELISSA: So what are you saying?
I'm saying the real question might be, how do we know he's not still asleep? You mean he's been asleep the whole time? Well, people who sleepwalk can do crazy things. One guy goes down to the kitchen and cooks an entire meal. Another guy is found mowing his lawn naked. Why's any of that matter? Remember that townhouse apartment we lived in? There was that one night I came home drunk Oh, one night? Let me finish. So I'm drunk, passed out on the bed. I get up to go to the bathroom. Then all of a sudden I hear you yelling "What the hell are you doing?" Because you were in the closet peeing into the laundry basket. Yeah, I thought it was the bathroom. Oh, no, you were drunk off your ass. Yeah, But I was convinced it was the bathroom. Yeah. So how do we know isn't just convinced he's in some kind of basement? And isn't actually there. I think when he called Scott, he was still asleep. And is still asleep right now. Then where is he? I got an idea about that too. You don't understand, do you? It's a riddle. Do you know any riddles, Stiles?
Stiles: A few. What gets bigger the more you take away? A hole. What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel.
(SNIFFLING)
When is a door not a door? When it's ajar. Everyone has it, but no one can lose it. What is it?
Stiles: I don't
(EXHALES DEEPLY)
(SHIVERING)
Everyone has it, but no one can lose it. What is it, Stiles?
Stiles: I don't I don't know. Everyone has it, but no one can lose it.
(SPEAKING JAPANESE)
(GROANING)
Stiles: I don't know.
(SPEAKING JAPANESE)
(GROANING)
(PANTING)
(GRUNTING)
Stiles: No! No! No! No!
(GROANS)
Stiles: No, wait!
(SCREAMING)
Stiles: Wait!
(SCREAMING)
Stiles: Wait!
(YELLING)
Stiles.
(SCREAMING)
Stiles: Wait! No, Wait!
Stiles!
Stiles: Wait! Stiles, you're all right! Okay! You're all right. Stiles, you're all right.
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
(BANGING ON DOOR)
What the hell have you been doing?
Allison: Sleeping. What the hell are you doing? You didn't get any calls or texts?
Allison: My phone's off. I never turn my phone off.
(PHONE PINGS AND CHIMES)
Sleepwalking? Is he okay? Yeah, they found him a few minutes ago. They're bringing him to the hospital. I don't know what happened. I never turn it off.
(STATIC BLARING)
Who's that?
(MAN SPEAKING JAPANESE)
So, you think he was just sleepwalking? Or is there something more to it?
Derek: In this town there's always something more. What if I told you I know something more? I kind of overheard Well, I listened in on Stiles talking to Scott. How he thinks he was the one who wrote that message in the Chemistry room. The message telling Barrow to kill Kira.
Derek: You think Stiles, skinny, defenseless, Stiles is the Nogitsune? A powerful, dark spirit? I'm not the only one thinking it. I'm just the only one saying it.
Derek: This thing wants to possess someone and chooses Stiles? Why wouldn't it take someone bigger, stronger? Someone with a little more Power.
(SIGHS)
He's sleeping now. And he's just fine. He doesn't remember much. It's a bit like a dream to him. Thank you. It was that repellent we sprayed in the coyote den to keep other animals out. I couldn't go near it without my eyes watering. It's just a good thing he mentioned it over the phone. No, it was more than that. Thank you. It was a lucky connection. McCall, can you shut up please and accept my sincerest gratitude. Accepted. All right, you two. You've got school in less than six hours. Go home. Go to sleep. Okay.
(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)
Lydia: I don't know what happened. I was so sure.
Yeah, I wasn't much help either. Doesn't matter, if he's okay.
(METAL CLANKING FAST)
Lydia, Do you hear something?
Lydia: No.
(CLANKING STOPS)
Lydia: I didn't hear anything.
(LOCKER CLOSES)
(PHONE CHIMES)
(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING)
Kira: Scott.
Hey
DEREK: He's a little preoccupied. But I can help you.
Kira: Why would you want to help me?
Derek: Because I want you to tell me everything that happened at the power station with William Barrow. Actually, I want you to show me. It was the other day. I asked him some questions. Just symptoms and, um
MAN: (OVER PA) Blue team to ICU please. Blue team, ICU. Yeah. It's okay. I think I, uh I think I know what you're talking about. I've been writing these down for the past two weeks. I think we need to do some tests. It was around here, I think. But everything kind of looks the same now.
KIRA: What is that? Is that a baseball bat?
Derek: It's Stiles's bat. It's magnetized. Kira, I'm going to need you to tell me everything you know about foxfire.
(MAN SPEAKING JAPANESE)
(BEEPING)
You're right. It's Japanese. Who left this on your phone? I don't know. All of the messages are the same and they all say Blocked ID. Can you translate it? Mostly. The man speaking is giving instructions actually. The first line is, "All evacuees are required to stay "at least 10 feet back from outside fences." What does that mean? What fences? The fences surrounding a Japanese internment camp during World War II. After Pearl Harbor, Japanese-Americans were rounded up and put in camps. This man is reading instructions to prisoners upon their arrival.
(SPEAKING STOPS)
Well, where does something like this come from? I have no idea. Because it's fake. It mentions the name of the internment camp as "Oak Creek." There was no internment camp named Oak Creek in California.
Scott: You okay?
Lydia: Yeah. I'm just a little hyper-sensitive to loud sounds today.
(LOCKER CLOSING)
Scott: They're doing tests on Stiles all afternoon. I was going to go over at around 6:00 to visit. You want to come with me?
Lydia: I should probably just go home.
(LOCKER CLOSES)
Scott: You sure you're okay?
Lydia: Yeah. I'll text you later.
(THUDS)
I'm not sure I know how to pronounce this. Or if it's not actually a misspelling. Just call him Stiles. Okay. Stiles, just to warn you, you're going to hear a lot of noise during the MRI. It's due to pulses of electricity going through metal coils inside the machine. Uh, if you want we can get you earplugs or headphones.
Stiles: Oh, no, no, I don't need anything. Hey, we're just on the other side of that window. Okay?
Stiles: Okay. You know what they're looking for, right? It's called frontotemporal dementia. Areas of your brain start to shrink. It's what my mother had. It's the only form of dementia that can hit teenagers. And there's no cure.
Scott: Stiles, if you have it, we'll do something. I'll do something.
Kira: I don't know if I should go in. You're going to tell Scott that Barrow might have used foxfire created by me to jump start the Nogitsune's power inside Stiles.
Derek: Yeah.
Kira: Basically that I helped a dark spirit take control of his best friend.
Derek: You should probably wait here.
DOCTOR: Okay, Stiles. This will take about 45 minutes to an hour. Now remember, try not to move. Even just a little bit. Stiles, you're going to hear that noise now. It's going to be a loud clanging. Kind of like a hammer hitting an anvil.
(METAL CLANKING)
(METAL CLANKING CONTINUOUSLY)
(LYDIA IS SITTING IN HER CAR AND IS HEARING THE SAME SOUND THAT STILES HEARS)
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
(METAL CLANKING CONTINUES)
Scott: You know the stuff you we're telling me about chemo signals earlier? It reminded me of the time you we're teaching me to use anger to control the shift.
Derek: I think you ended up teaching me more about that.
Scott: Are you teaching me again?
Derek: Think of it more like sharing a few trade secrets. You know, I took Cora back to South America, right? It's where she spent most of her time after the fire. But that's not the only reason I left. I needed to talk to my mother.
Scott: Your dead mother?
Derek: She told me something that changed my perspective on a lot of things. She said that my family didn't just live in Beacon Hills. They protected it. This town needs someone to protect it. Someone like you.
Scott: And someone like you to teach me a few trade secrets.
Derek: What?
He was trying to protect us. Stiles was protecting us. From himself.
Derek: What are we looking for?
Scott: I'm not sure. But I think Stiles wasn't just up here struggling with himself. I think he was struggling not to do something.
(METAL CLANKING)
(INAUDIBLE)
DOCTOR: See this? The tissue here and there. Both those spots are showing signs of atrophy.
Atrophy.
DOCTOR: I'm sorry.
(MELANCHOLY MUSIC PLAYING)
(PANTING)
(METALLIC CLANKING)
NOGITSUNE: Have you figured out my riddle yet? If you answer correctly, we might consider letting them go.
Stiles: Letting who go?
Your friends. Your family. Everyone who ever meant something to you. We're going to destroy all of them, Stiles. One-by-one.
Stiles: Why? Everyone has it, but no one can lose it. What is it? -
Stiles: I don't know. Everyone has it, but no one can lose it. What is it?
Stiles: I don't know. Everyone has it, but no one can lose it. What is it? What is it?
Stiles: I don't know. A shadow.
(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)
What was that? It sounded like a power surge. Where's my son?
WOMAN: (OVER PA) Dr. Bender to the mental ward please.
(PEOPLE CLAMORING)
Stiles: You know me.
NOSHIKO: Then you remember that I won't be deterred by your choice of host. Even if it's an innocent boy.
Stiles: Are you threatening us? Now I'm threatening you. We're not really afraid of your little fireflies.
NOSHIKO: If the oni can't defeat you, I know someone who will.
(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)
Lydia: Oh, my God. | Plan: A: Stiles; Q: Who makes a panicked late-night phone call to Scott? A: a panicked late-night phone call; Q: What did Stiles make to Scott after he found himself in a steel trap? A: a strange location; Q: Where does Stiles find himself in? A: a steel trap; Q: What is Stiles's leg in? A: Lydia; Q: Who leads Scott to the mental health center? A: Barrow; Q: Who was committed to the mental health center? A: Derek; Q: Who deduces that Kira was indirectly responsible for the Nogitsune taking over Stiles's body? A: the power station; Q: Where did Derek and Kira find Stiles's baseball bat? A: an MRI scan; Q: What does Stiles have to do to test for frontotemporal dementia? A: his mother's death; Q: What did the illness that caused Stiles's MRI scan cause? A: The power; Q: What goes out after the Nogitsune damages the wiring on the roof? A: the previous night; Q: When did the Nogitsune damage the wiring on the roof? A: complete control; Q: What control does the Nogitsune have over Stiles's body? A: the remaining Oni; Q: Who is led by Kira's mother? A: A charged high voltage cable; Q: What falls from the hospital roof on top of Kira? Summary: Stiles makes a panicked late-night phone call to Scott after he finds himself in a strange location with his leg in a steel trap. Lydia leads them to the mental health center where Barrow was committed, however Stiles is not there. Scott's mother and father find Stiles, who had been sleepwalking. Derek and Kira find Stiles's baseball bat at the power station, and Derek deduces that Kira was indirectly responsible for the Nogitsune taking over Stiles's body. Stiles has an MRI scan to test for frontotemporal dementia , the same illness that caused his mother's death. The power then goes out, due to the Nogitsune having damaged the wiring on the roof the previous night. The Nogitsune, now in complete control of Stiles's body, confronts the remaining Oni, who are revealed to be led by Kira's mother. A charged high voltage cable falls out from the hospital roof on top of Kira. |
SCENE: The Land Without Magic. Past. Phoenix, Arizona. Emma is giving birth in a prison hospital room where the doctor and the nurses are attending to her. The clock strikes eight-fifteen.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Doctor
: Big breath. Breathe away, breathe away.
Nurse: Okay, here we go.
Doctor: You're doing great. Hang on, hang on.
Nurse: You're almost there.
Doctor: You're doing fine.
Nurse: Keep breathing.
Doctor: You're doing fantastic. That's it. Breath, breath, breath! Doing great. You're doing great. Here you go. Keep going. Yep. Breathe, breathe. Take a deep breath. Okay big push, big push.
(Emma screams)
Doctor: Push, push, push!
(The lights begin to flicker and go out as Henry is born. Emma sighs in exhaustion and relief.)
Doctor: (Holding baby) Great. Here we go. That's good. That's beautiful. (To the baby) How you doing? (To Emma) It's a boy, Emma.
(She looks away)
Doctor: Emma?
(Emma shakes her head. The nurse whispers in the doctor's ear.)
Doctor: Oh. Emma, just so you know, you can change your mind.
Emma: No, I can't be a mother. (She cries as the doctor takes the baby away.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
SCENE
[SCENE_BREAK]
Inside the magic bean's portal. Present. Emma, David, Mary Margaret, Mr. Gold and Regina hold tight to ropes on theJolly Rogerwith Hook at the helm as the ship crosses through the portal. They finally land on the waters of Neverland. The group looks around in confusion.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Emma
: Is that it?!
Hook: Aye, Neverland.
(Emma gazes at the island with determination.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
SCENE
[SCENE_BREAK]
Neverland's island. Present. Henry lands on the shore after falling through the portal. He attempts to get up and run.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Greg
: No, uh-uh uh-uh uh.
(He grabs Henry by his coat and shoves him.)
Slow down, pal. You got nowhere to go.
Tamara: (Sighs) We made it. Mission accomplished.
Henry: Are you sure about that? 'Cuz my mom is coming to get me. Both of them.
Greg: You might wanna take a look around, kid. Do you see any clock towers? You're a long way from Storybrooke.
Henry: It doesn't matter! My family's been to the Enchanted Forest before, and they can get here again.
Tamara: (Hears a weird howling noise and looks around) Well, we're not in the Enchanted Forest. This is Neverland.
Henry: (In disbelief) Neverland? You're here to destroy Neverland?
Tamara: It's the mother lode of magic. (to Greg) Where's the communicator? We need to signal the Home Office.
Greg: (Takes the communicator out of the backpack) Here you go, T.
Henry: An office in the jungle? Huh. Who works there?
Greg: (Gets up and walks towards Henry) Who we work for is not your concern, kid. Just know that they take care of us.
Henry: Do they? Can they tell you how to get back home after you destroy magic?
Greg: We don't ask questions. We just believe in our cause.
Tamara: (Trying to operate the communicator) Greg?
Greg: Yeah?
Tamara: I'm not getting a status light on this thing. (She hands the communicator to Greg.)
Greg: Did you check the batteries? (He opens the battery compartment. Sand falls out.)
Tamara: What the hell is this? A toy?
Henry: It's a good thing you guys don't ask any questions.
Greg: (To Tamara) Let's go. (To Henry) Walk!
[SCENE_BREAK]
SCENE
[SCENE_BREAK]
Neverland. Present. On the Jolly Roger. Hook, manning the helm, slows the ship as Regina notices.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Regina
: Why are you slowing down? In case you didn't know, my son's life is in danger!
Hook: Oh, I know, my hot-headed Queen. The plan is to bring us to the far side of the island, link up with the widest part of the river, and.. then we sail right through, take him by surprise. The irony...
Regina: What irony?
Hook: Oh, I spent more time than I care to remember trying to leave this place to kill Rumplestiltskin. And here I am, sailing right back into its heart with him as my guest of honor. It's not quite the happy ending I was hoping for.
Regina: Greg Mendell said something funny to me. He said I'm a villain, and that villains don't get happy endings. You believe that?
Hook: I hope not, or we've wasted our lives.
(The camera pans down to Emma, standing along the ships railing, gazing out at the sea. Mary Margaret and David approach her.)
Mary Margaret: What happened to Neal, and Henry, it's not your fault. You can't blame yourself.
Emma: I don't. I blame you. All this happened because I listened to you. You say good always wins? It doesn't. I didn't grow up in some fairytale land. My experience is different, that's all I can go on.
Mary Margaret: And all we have to go on is ours, so if you would just let us share our wisdom--
Emma: I appreciate you trying to be parents, but we're the same age. We have equal amounts of wisdom. And all I want is Henry back. I should never have broken the curse. I should've just taken Henry and--
Mary Margaret: You're right. Th-Then you'd be together. We missed you growing up Emma, and it haunts us every day.
David: And that's why we're here now. We don't want you to have to go through the same thing, too, and you won't. We are gonna get our family back.
Emma: How can you two be so infuriatingly optimistic!?
David: It's who we are.
Emma: Why? Ever since you got your memories back, ever since you remembered that you're Snow White and Prince Charming, your lives have... they've... we'll, they've sucked!
David: No. No, we found you.
Emma: And lost Henry! And Neal, and countless other people!
Mary Margaret: Emma, the minute I let go of the belief that things will get better is the minute that I know they won't. We'll find him.
Mr. Gold: (Speaking off-screen) No, you won't.
(Everyone turns to see Mr. Gold standing at the helm garbed in his old Rumplestiltskin outfit.)
Hook: Oh, that's a great use of our time-a wardrobe change!
Mr. Gold: I'm gonna get Henry.
Regina: We agreed to do this together.
Mr. Gold: Actually, we made no such agreement.
Emma: Why are you doing this?
Mr. Gold: Because I wanna succeed.
Emma: What makes you think I'm gonna fail?
Mr. Gold: Well, how could you not? You don't believe in your parents, or in magic, or even yourself.
Emma: I slayed a dragon, I think I believe.
Mr. Gold: Only what was shown to you. When have you ever taken a real leap of faith? You know, the kind where there's absolutely no proof? I've know you some time, Miss Swan. And, sadly, despite everything you've been through, you're still just that... bail bonds-person, looking for evidence. Well, dearie, that's not gonna work in Neverland.
Emma: I'll do whatever it takes.
Mr. Gold: Well, you just need someone to tell you what that is. Sorry, dearie, our foe is too fearsome for hand-holding. Neverland is a place where imagination runs wild. And, sadly, yours doesn't. (He spins his cane, which falls to the deck.)
(In the next second, Mr. Gold is gone from the ship and only his cane remains.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
SCENE
[SCENE_BREAK]
Neverland's island. Present. In a clearing in the jungle, Greg starts a fire.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Henry
: We making s'mores?
Greg: No.
(Pats palms)
Greg: Building a signal. Help me gather some dry leaves. We need to let the home office know that we're here.
Tamara: And what if that's not enough? What if the empty communicator wasn't an accident?
Greg: Don't let the kid get in your head.
(Rustling)
Greg: Who are you?
Felix: We're the home office. Welcome to Neverland.
Tamara: The "home office" is a bunch of teenagers?
Henry: They're not teenagers. They're the lost boys.
Felix: Look at that.
Henry: Why do the lost boys want to destroy magic?
Felix: Who said we wanna destroy magic?
Greg: That was our mission.
Felix: So you were told. Yes. Now the boy. Hand him over.
Tamara: Not until you tell us the plan... for magic, for getting home.
Felix: You're not getting home.
Greg: Then you're not getting the boy.
Felix: Of course we are.
(Roaring as Pan's shadow swoops down and rips out Greg Mandel's shadow, killing him.)
Greg: Aah!
Tamara: Run!
Felix: Get the boy.
(Tamara is shot in the back with an arrow.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
SCENE
[SCENE_BREAK]
Neverland's island. Present. Henry races through the forest, with the lost boys close behind. He falls, and is picked up by a hooded boy, who pulls him off the trail.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Hooded Boy
: Come on.
(Both panting)
Lost Boy in distance: Where'd he go?!
(Panting)
Lost Boy in distance: This way!
Henry: Thanks.
Hooded Boy: Pan and his forces are in tune with every grain of sand on the island. We must be careful.
Henry: Are... are you a lost boy?
Hooded Boy: I was.
(The hooded boy cuts the ties around Henry's wrists.)
Hooded Boy: But I escaped. And now they're after me, too.
Henry: How? What happened?
Hooded Boy: No time for questions. We must keep moving. Come on.
[SCENE_BREAK]
SCENE
[SCENE_BREAK]
Neverland. Present. On the Jolly Roger. Emma is doing pull-ups in the ship's crew quarters. Hook joins her.
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Grunts)
(Breathing heavily)
(Exhales deeply)
Hook: Oh. Don't stop on my account.
Emma: Wouldn't think of it.
(Emma rolls her eyes and continues doing pull-ups.)
Hook: What are you doing?
Emma: Getting ready for a fight.
Hook: Well, I've never known you to need to get ready for a fight. I thought it was a natural state. Don't let Rumplestiltskin get you down, luv.
Emma: What do you want?
Hook: To give you something. You know, Baelfire and I once spent a lot of time together.
Emma: He was always "Neal" to me.
Hook: Yeah. Right.
(Hook unlocks a chest and takes out a sword, which he holds out to Emma.)
Hook: This was his.
Emma: I didn't realize you were sentimental.
Hook: I'm not. I just thought you could use it where we're going. You know... To fight.
(Hook gives Emma a shot glass, uncorks his flask with his teeth, and spits the cork out. He pours Emma a drink.)
Emma: Thanks.
Hook: To Neal.
Emma: To Neal.
(Clink)
[SCENE_BREAK]
SCENE
[SCENE_BREAK]
The Enchanted Forest. Present day. Neal lies on a flowered bed. Mulan approaches.
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Inhales and exhales sharply)
Mulan: Who are you?
Neal: Neal.
(Footsteps approach)
Aurora: Is he well?
Mulan: Well enough to be questioned.
Aurora: Here. Drink. Drink. You must be thirsty.
Neal: Where am I?
Aurora: You're in our kingdom.
Neal: Where's your... where's your kingdom?
Phillip: The Enchanted Forest.
(Whispers)
Neal: I'm back.
Aurora: Back? You mean you're from here?
Mulan: He's lying. Look at his clothes. He's from the same world Emma and Snow are from.
Neal: Emma? Emma swan? You know her?
Mulan: How do you know her?
Neal: She's...
(Strained voice)
Neal: She's my... I... I don't know. But she's in danger. I have to get back to her. Oh! I have to help her!
Phillip: You need to rest. You were gravely injured when we found you. Were you hit by some kind of arrow?
Neal: 45 caliber arrow. Look, I... I need your help. I need to know that Emma and Henry are all right.
Aurora: You're... You're Henry's father? I was once under a sleeping curse. Snow taught me how to control the nightmare. And with practice, I'm able to walk the dream world, find others like me who have passed through. It's possible I can make contact with them. If I can, what would you like me to tell them?
Neal: Tell Emma I'm alive, and I love her.
[SCENE_BREAK]
SCENE
[SCENE_BREAK]
Neverland. Present. On the Jolly Roger. Emma sits with Hook in the crew's quarters.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Emma
: How long was he with you?
Hook: Long enough for me to know that I miss him, too.
(Ship creaks and bangs. A loud thump shakes the ship.)
Emma: What was that?
(Waves splashing, wind gusting)
Regina: What the hell are you two doing?!
Mary Margret: Trying to keep it steady!
David: Hold on!
Hook: Prepare for attack!
Regina: Be more specific.
Hook: If you've got a weapon, then grab it!
(Hook grunts as he fights for control of the wheel.)
(Screeching in distance)
Emma: What's out there? A shark?! A whale?!
David: A kraken?
Hook: Worse.
(Screeching underwater)
(Screeching continues)
Hook: Mermaids.
(Screeching)
[SCENE_BREAK]
SCENE
[SCENE_BREAK]
Neverland. Present. On the Jolly Roger. The ship is under attack by mermaids.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Emma
: Mermaids?!
(Screeching)
Hook: Yes, and they're quite unpleasant.
Regina: You think?
Hook: I'll try and outrun them.
Emma: How many of them are there?!
David: I will not be capsized by fish!
(David loads a cannon.)
Mary Margret: Emma!
(Cannon fuse fizzles)
Emma: What are you doing?!
Mary Margaret: Fishing.
(Mary Margaret and Emma lift a heavy net overboard.)
(Fires cannon. A mermaid swims into the net.)
Mary Margret: We caught one!
Regina: One? There are dozens of them.
Regina: Enough of this.
(Regina throws three fireballs into the water. Mermaids screech and swim away.)
Regina: There. They're gone.
Mary Margret: Not all of them! What about that one?!
(Regina uses magic to transport the mermaid on deck.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
SCENE
[SCENE_BREAK]
Neverland's island. Present. Henry hides in the forest with the hooded boy.
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Lost Boy in distance)
Where'd he go?
(Lost Boys shouting indistinctly in distance)
Hooded Boy: I think we lost them.
(Panting) Henry: Okay. Can we rest for a minute?
(Hooded Boy nods.)
Hooded Boy: You're new. Did the shadow take you, too?
Henry: No. I was kidnapped by some people who work for Pan.
(Hooded Boy exhales sharply)
Hooded Boy: I'm sorry. If he sent for you, he wants you. And if Pan wants you, he will get you.
(Howling continues in distance)
Henry: Why does Pan want you?
Hooded Boy: Pixie dust. I stole it from him 'cause I thought I could use it to fly away and go home. But it doesn't work. It's useless.
Henry: Don't worry. My family's coming to rescue me, and you could come with us.
Hooded Boy: You really think you're the first boy to believe that his family's actually coming for them?
Henry: My family's different. We always find each other.
Hooded Boy: You better hope they don't, or else Pan will rip their shadows into oblivion.
Henry: It's gonna be okay. I promise. Don't lose hope. All we need is time. Is there a place where we can hide from the lost boys?
(Hooded Boy Sighs)
Hooded Boy: There's a place they can't track us. The echo caves. But it's far.
(Rustling)
Henry: Then what are we waiting for? Lead the way.
[SCENE_BREAK]
SCENE
[SCENE_BREAK]
The Enchanted Forest. Present day. Prince Phillip watches Aurora as she sleeps. Neal and Mulan sit a distance away.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Mulan
: Feeling better?
Neal: Yeah.
Mulan: How did you get here?
Neal: I fell through a portal. I thought... I thought I was gonna die, and... and I thought about this place. I thought about growing up here. That's how portals work. They take you to wherever you think of.
Mulan: Well, what's it like, the other world?
Neal: Uh, well, for starters, they think that this place is just a fairy tale. Like a... like a legend, like we're all just characters in a story.
Mulan: I'm in a story?
Neal: Yeah. They made a movie about you. It's actually pretty good.
Mulan: What's a movie?
Neal: Uh...
(Aurora cries and wakes up.)
Aurora: It's worse than I feared. I couldn't make contact. I wish I could be more help. I... I fear no one can.
Neal: My father can. He always had a plan. Uh, he would've left something behind, if he ever found himself back here. Something that can be used to contact Emma, to get to her. I know it. I just need to get to his castle.
Phillip: Who's your father?
Neal: Rumplestiltskin.
[SCENE_BREAK]
SCENE
[SCENE_BREAK]
Neverland's island. Present. Mr. Gold walks through the forest and discovers Tamara, lying on the ground with an arrow in her back.
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Tamara gasps and grunts as she drags herself along the ground.)
Mr. Gold: So where is he? Henry.
(Whispers) Mr. Gold: There, there. I can help you speak.
(Mr. Gold's magic removes the arrow and heals Tamara's wound.)
Tamara: Thank you.
Mr. Gold: Where's Henry? They killed him?
Tamara: I don't think so. I told him to run, and he did.
Mr. Gold: Where?
Tamara: The jungle. Pan wants him. He's behind all this. Look, Mr. Gold, I didn't know who I was working for. I'm sorry about Neal. I'm so sorry.
Mr. Gold: I know. You were merely a pawn.
(Whispers)
Tamara: Can... Can you forgive me?
Mr. Gold: No.
(Mr. Gold rips Tamara's heart out and crushes it.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
SCENE
[SCENE_BREAK]
Neverland. Present. On the Jolly Roger. Mary Margret, David, Regina, Hook, and Emma examine the mermaid they've caught.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Hook
: Get that thing off my ship!
Regina: No. Now we have a hostage.
David: I hate to say it, but I'm with Hook. Those things just tried to kill us.
Regina: And perhaps we should find out why.
Mary Margret: How? By torturing her?
Regina: Well, if need be. Sure.
(The mermaid grabs a conch shell and blows into it like a horn.)
Emma: What the hell is that?
Mermaid: A warning.
(Thunderclap)
Mermaid: Let me go... Or die.
[SCENE_BREAK]
SCENE
[SCENE_BREAK]
The Enchanted Forest. Present day. Mulan and Neal hike over a sandy hill.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Mulan
: Can I ask you a question?
Neal: Yeah, I don't know how to explain what a movie is.
Mulan: You say that you're fighting for Emma. But she never mentioned you when she was here. Why is that?
Neal: Because I broke her heart. I let her go so that she could break the curse and fulfill her destiny. And when it was broken, I could've gone after her. I could've told her I loved her.
(Sighs)
Neal: But... I was afraid she would never forgive me, so I wound up taking the easy way out, which is not trying.
Mulan: Your belief in love wasn't strong enough to overcome your fear of rejection.
Neal: Yeah. Greatest regret of my life, not one I wish upon anyone.
[SCENE_BREAK]
SCENE
[SCENE_BREAK]
Neverland's island. Present. Henry races through the forest, with the hooded boy.
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Panting)
Henry: They're close. I can see them.
Hooded Boy: We're almost to the caves. Come on. Follow me.
(An arrow whooshes past them)
Henry: They cut us off. They know about the caves. We have to go this way.
[SCENE_BREAK]
SCENE
[SCENE_BREAK]
Neverland. Present. On the Jolly Roger. Mary Margret, David, Regina, Hook, and Emma examine the mermaid they've caught.
[SCENE_BREAK]
David
: What is this? What did you do?!
Mermaid: Let me go.
Regina: Not until you tell us. Or we make you tell us.
Mary Margret: Threatening her isn't the way to motivate her.
Regina: Well, I'm all out of fish food.
Hook: Doesn't matter if you get her to talk. You can't trust her. Mermaids are liars.
Emma: Of course they are.
Mary Margret: Maybe they're just scared of Pan. If we let her go, maybe they'll be on our side.
Regina: Or maybe she and her friends will come right back to kill us.
Mermaid: Oh, I don't need my friends to kill you. You'll kill yourselves. Now let me go.
(Thunderclap)
David: What the hell?!
Hook: It's a storm. She called it. Don't let her go! She'll swim off and leave us all to die. At least with her, we've got leverage.
(David pulls out a blade and threatens the mermaid.)
David: Stop the storm. Then we let you go.
(Mermaid shakes her head, so David threatens to slit her throat. Regina laughs)
Regina: That's more like it, Charming. Filet the bitch.
(Mermaid gasps and whimpers. David releases her and steps away.)
David: No. We're not barbarians.
(Thunderclap)
Emma: What we're going to be is dead.
Hook: Hold on! I'm gonna turn her around. I've outrun many a storm.
Regina: Make it stop or die.
Mary Margret: We are not killers!
Mermaid: Yes, you are. And you've brought this death upon yourselves.
Mary Margret: This is why we should free her!
Regina: That feel-good nonsense, Snow, might play in the Enchanted Forest, but this... this is Neverland.
(Thunderclaps)
David: Keep your grip, pirate!
Hook: It wasn't me, mate! It was the ship! We're taking on water!
Regina: Now may I resume killing her?!
Mary Margaret and David: No!
Mary Margret: You kill her, and her kind have a personal vendetta against us.
Hook: Look, the queen is right. They've already tried killing us.
Emma: Stop! That's enough! We need to think this through!
Regina: I already have.
(Regina turns the mermaid to wood)
Regina: There. That should stop the storm.
Emma: Regina! What did you do?!
(A tidal wave looms over the Jolly Roger)
Regina: No.
Emma: What have you done?!
(The Jolly Roger climbs the side of the wave as water pours over the deck.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
SCENE
[SCENE_BREAK]
The Enchanted Forest. Present day. Rumplestiltskin's castle.
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Doors creak)
Mulan: It appears abandoned.
(Neal picks up a glass from a small table and dips one finger in to taste the contents.)
Neal: No. Someone's here.
(Arrow whooshes)
Neal: Whoa!
(Mulan draws her blade)
Robin Hood: The first was a warning, milady. Chivalry and all that.
Mulan: Who are you?
Robin Hood: The name's Robin.
Neal: No way. Robin Hood.
Robin Hood: I'd bow but this quiver's rather tight. Now... What are you doing trespassing in my castle?
Mulan: This castle belongs to The Dark One. It is you who trespasses.
Robin Hood: He hasn't been seen since the queen's curse. If he ever shows up, I'll be happy to vacate.
Neal: No, no need. In fact you can have it. I just... I need to look around for a bit.
Robin Hood: And who would you be to grant such title?
Neal: In this land, I'm known as Baelfire. I'm his son.
(Exhales)
(Chuckles)
Robin Hood: My apologies. Go ahead.
Neal: You don't want to see I.D.?
Robin Hood: Who would claim to be that who wasn't?
Neal: Yeah. Good point.
Robin Hood: Your father would not stand for imposters. He had quite a temper.
Neal: You knew my father?
Robin Hood: We crossed paths once, yes.
Neal: Most crossings with my father don't end well.
Robin Hood: It was touch and go. He spared my life. I owe him a debt.
Neal: Well, I'm happy to collect. I'm looking for something he left here. A magical item.
Robin Hood: Well, I'm very sorry to disappoint, but I arrived shortly after the curse. The place was cleaned out. Nothing of any value remains.
Neal: Well, thieves and looters would only take what they could see.
Mulan: What's magical of a knotted old cane? It probably belonged to one of the looters.
Neal: No, it belonged to him. See these markings? He was keeping track of me growing.
(Neal twirls the cane around his head, which causes a cabinet door to magically appear high on the wall.)
Robin Hood: I've handled that walking stick a dozen times. It never released a cloaking spell before.
Neal: My father enchanted objects so that what might be a useless piece of wood in the hands of a looter would become magical in his.
Mulan: Or in the hands of his only son.
Neal: He called it blood magic. Might not always seem like it, but family was important to dear old dad.
Robin Hood: So... What's in there?
Neal: Let's find out.
[SCENE_BREAK]
SCENE
[SCENE_BREAK]
Neverland. Present. On the Jolly Roger. Hood and Emma fight the wheel.
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Waves crashing)
(Thunderclap)
Emma: I thought you said you could outrun a storm!
Hook: This isn't a storm. It's bloody damnation!
(Wind howling)
Mary Margret: Why would you do this?
Regina: You're going to blame me?
Mary Margret: You turned the mermaid into wood!
Regina: I did something about it, which is more than what you can say!
Mary Margret: Undo your spell!
(Thunderclap)
Mary Margret: Bring back the mermaid!
Regina: And what, you'll win her over with your rainbow kisses and unicorn stickers?!
Mary Margret: Considering that your plan failed, at least we could try!
Regina: You're such a naive princess!
Mary Margret: And you are such a...
(Mary Margret slaps Regina)
(Thunderclap)
Regina: Huh. Is that your best?
Mary Margret: Not even close! I am so tired of you ruining my life!
Regina: I ruined your life?
David: Hey!
(Lightning strikes the ship as Regina punches Mary Margret)
Mary Margret: Aah!
Hook: Hey, let the slags go. I need you at the mast.
Regina: Aah!
David: Don't call my wife a slag! Uhh!
(Hook and David begin to fight)
Emma: Stop it! It's not the mermaid. It's us!
(Lightning hits the ship as the fight continues)
Emma: No. If you don't stop fighting, we're all gonna die! Don't you see we're causing the storm?! Hey! Stop! You need to listen to me!
(No one pays attention to Emma, so she dives off the side of the boat)
David: Emma!
Mary Margaret: Emma! Emma! Oh!
(A rope snaps, and a metal pulley speeds towards the water, striking Emma)
Emma: Uhh!
[SCENE_BREAK]
SCENE
[SCENE_BREAK]
Neverland's island. Present. Henry races through the forest, with the hooded boy.
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Boys shout indistinctly in distance)
Henry: Watch out!
(Henry and the hooded boy skid to a stop before a giant canyon)
(Boy) They're over here!
(Boy shouts indistinctly)
Henry: What do we do? Is there any other way to the echo caves?
Hooded Boy: No. We're done for. I'll give em the pixie dust. Maybe they'll let us live.
Henry: You wanna give up?
Hooded Boy: We don't have a choice. They got us. This is the end.
Henry: No. It's our way out.
(Henry yanks the pixie dust off the hooded boy's neck and pulls them both back from the ledge)
Hooded Boy: What... what are you doing?
Henry: Getting a running start.
Hooded Boy: For what?
Henry: Everyone knows pixie dust is for flying.
Hooded Boy: Don't you remember? The dust doesn't work.
Henry: That's because you have to believe.
Hooded Boy: I definitely do not believe.
Henry: That's okay...
(Cork pops)
Henry: Because I do.
(They jump off the cliff as the pixie dust glows green, and they fly to the other side.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
SCENE
[SCENE_BREAK]
Neverland. Present. On the Jolly Roger. Hood and Emma fight the wheel.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Mary Margret
: Emma!
Regina: Idiot!
Mary Margret: Regina, get her up here!
Regina: I... I... I can't! Not in this storm. I... I can't even see her. I'll just bring up water and half her leg.
(David climbs up on the rail and prepares to dive in after Emma)
Hook: Wait!
David: She'll drown!
Hook: And so will you! Let me help.
(Hook passes MMB and Regina a rope)
Hook: Here, tie him.
(David slips the loop over his head to his waist, dives in, finds Emma, grabs her and surfaces)
Hook: He has her! Pull!
Mary Margret: Aah!
Hook: I've got it.
(Hook puts the rope into a pulley and hauls David and Emma on deck)
David: Emma?
Mary Margret: No.
(Emma spits and coughs up seawater. She looks up at the moon coming through the clearing clouds.)
Emma: I told you.
[SCENE_BREAK]
SCENE
[SCENE_BREAK]
Neverland's island. Present. Mr. Gold walks through the forest and sits on a stump.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Mr. Gold
: Come out and say hello, dearie.
(Foliage rustles)
Felix: Hello, Rumplestiltskin. Pan welcomes you to the island. He wanted me to tell you he is excited to see you again.
Mr. Gold: Oh, yeah. I'm sure he is.
Felix: He wanted me to let you know you're welcome in Neverland, for as long as you wish to stay... With one caveat.
Mr. Gold: There's always something with him.
Felix: If you're here for the boy... Well... That makes you Pan's enemy.
Mr. Gold: Then nothing's changed.
Felix: If you go against him, you will not survive.
(Chuckles)
Mr. Gold: Well, the question isn't, will I survive? Because we both know I won't. No, no. The real question is... How many of you I take with me.
Felix: So is that your answer?
Mr. Gold: That's my answer.
Felix: Well, then, I suppose that means I'll see you again, in less friendly circumstances.
Mr. Gold: Count on it.
Felix: One last thing. There's something he wanted you to have.
(Felix throws a straw doll at Mr. Gold's feet. Gold's face crumples as he bends down to picks it up.)
Felix: Isn't it funny... The things we haven't thought about in years still have the ability to make us cry?
(Felix chuckles)
(Mr. Gold cries softly)
Felix: See you around... Dark One.
(Footsteps depart)
(Mr. Gold sobs)
[SCENE_BREAK]
SCENE
[SCENE_BREAK]
The Enchanted Forest. Present day. Rumplestiltskin's castle.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Neal
: I spent my entire life running from magic. Now it's the only thing that can help me. It's not working. Why isn't it working?
Neal: Don't think of a place. Think of her, of Emma, and more than that, how you feel about her.
(The crystal ball glows purple and shows Emma in a jungle)
(Gasps)
Neal: Oh, no. It can't be.
Robin Hood: What's wrong? Isn't she there?
Neal: Yes, but that's not Storybrooke. Emma's in Neverland.
[SCENE_BREAK]
SCENE
[SCENE_BREAK]
Neverland's island. Present. Regina, Hook, Emma, David, and MMB walk up a beach.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Regina
: We don't have to do it this way. I can fix the Jolly Roger. My magic is powerful enough. We can execute the pirate's plan.
Emma: Sneak attack? Let's not be naive. Save your magic. We'll need it later, because Pan already knows we're here. It's time we stop running. Gold was right. This land is run on belief. All of us have been too busy being at each other's throats to be believers. I was as wrong as anyone else. It's time for all of us to believe... not in magic, but in each other.
Regina: You wanna be friends? After everything that's happened between all of us?
Emma: I don't want or expect that. I know there's a lot of history here and a lot of hate.
Hook: Actually, I quite fancy you from time to time, when you're not yelling at me.
Emma: We don't need to be friends. What we need to know is the only way to get Henry back is cooperation. David (gesturing to Regina and Hook): With her? With him? No, Emma, we have to do this the right way.
Emma: No, we don't. We just need to succeed. And the way we do that is by just being who we are... a hero, a villain, a pirate. It doesn't matter which, because we're gonna need all those skills, whether we can stomach them or not.
Regina: And what's your skill, "savior"?
Emma: I'm a mother, and now I'm also your leader. So either help me get my son back or get out of the way.
(Emma draws her sword and walks into the forest. Her parents follow, and Hook shrugs at Regina before they follow.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
SCENE
[SCENE_BREAK]
Neverland's island. Present. Henry and the hooded boy fly over the trees and land in a clearing.
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Both grunt)
Henry: See? If you believe, anything is possible.
Hooded Boy: You couldn't be more right, Henry.
Henry: How... how'd you know my name? I never told you.
Hooded Boy: Let's make it a game, a puzzle to solve.
Henry: You lied to me. You are a lost boy. You work for Pan.
Hooded Boy: Not exactly. I am Peter Pan.
Henry: But you told Greg and Tamara that magic was bad, that you'd help them destroy it. Why?
Pan: Because I needed their help. And it is so much easier to get people to hate something than to believe.
Henry: Why did you bring me here?
Pan: For quite some time, I've sought something extremely important, something more elusive than the greatest of all mysteries.
Henry: What?
Pan: The heart of the truest believer. And when you took that pixie dust, Henry, and jumped off that cliff...
(Pan knocks on a tree and signals the lost boys to come out)
Pan: You proved yourself. You are the lucky owner of that very special heart. And now? You... and it... are mine.
(Pan draws his knife)
Pan: Come on, boys! Let's play!
[ The End ] | Plan: A: the season premiere episode; Q: What episode of the show was "Heart of the Truest Believer"? A: Neverland; Q: Where do Emma, Mary Margaret, David, Regina, Mr. Gold and Hook enter to search for a kidnapped Henry? A: a school; Q: What group of mermaids threatens to end the search for Henry? A: their search; Q: What do the mermaids threaten to end before it begins? A: the Lost Boys; Q: Who is Henry on the run from? A: Peter Pan's encampment; Q: Where did the Lost Boys escape from? A: Neal; Q: Who travels through the Enchanted Forest with Mulan in an attempt to learn the fates of Emma and Henry? A: his wounds; Q: What is Neal recovering from? Summary: In the season premiere episode, "Heart of the Truest Believer," as Emma, Mary Margaret, David, Regina, Mr. Gold and Hook enter Neverland to search for a kidnapped Henry, they're greeted by a school of not-too-friendly mermaids who threaten to end their search before it begins; Henry finds himself on the run from the Lost Boys with another escapee from Peter Pan's encampment; and Neal, recovering from his wounds, travels through the Enchanted Forest with Mulan in an attempt to learn the fates of Emma and Henry. |
Kelly: [dressed as Carrie Bradshaw] Wow you guys look amazing. Stanley, I thought you hated Halloween.
Phyllis: [dressed as Raggedy Ann] Shh. He wears that so he can sleep at his desk. Who are you?
Kelly: Oh, I'm Carrie Bradshaw from s*x And The City.
Phyllis: Mm. I like your shoes. [Kelly has 5-inch heels on]
Kelly: Thank you. Will you help walk me to the fax machine?
Phyllis: Sure.
Ryan: I got her, I got her. I can help you. You look amazing.
Kelly: Inappropriate. Thank you. Who are you, Larry King?
Ryan: Gordon Gekko.
Kelly: Oh, from the insurance commercials!
Ryan: ... Yeah.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Oscar: [Creed dressed as the Joker enters] Whoa. Awesome.
Creed: Let's put a smile on that face!
Kevin: [also dressed as the Joker] Dammit Creed! I've been up since four!
[SCENE_BREAK]
Andy: [dressed as a kitten] Meow. Sweet 'stume, dude. Who are you supposed to be?
Jim: Dave.
Andy: Cool.
Jim: You are? [Andy hisses] A cat?
Andy: [buzzer noise] We were looking for "kitten."
Jim: [phone] Oh, hang on one second. Jim Halpert.
Pam: Hey.
Jim: Hey New York, Happy Halloween!
Pam: Thanks. My costume's getting a lot of attention. [Pam is dressed as Charlie Chaplin]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Pam: So apparently no one dresses up for Halloween here. I wish I had known that before I used greasepaint for my moustache. And I can't even take off my hat, because then I'm Hitler.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Dwight: [dressed as the Joker] Hm mm mm mm. Want to see a magic trick? Heh heh heh! I'm gonna make a pencil disapp-- oh! [elevator doors close, reopen.] Disappear.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: Okay, I think we are set. We have puzzles, string for Cat's Cradles. Burned this last night. A little road trip CD. Puppets.
Holly: Oh, look at all this stuff! It's only seven hours.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: When Corporate found out that we were dating, they decided they were going to transfer Holly back to her old branch, in Nashua, New Hampshire.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Holly: Michael is taking a personal day to move me up.
Michael: Road trip! Right?
Holly: Breaker one-nine, copy?
Michael: Oh, copy that breaker. Those Duke boys are at it again.
Darryl: Hey! Do Not Touch My Radio.
Michael: We're not.
Holly: Kidding.
Michael: We're not doing anything.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Holly: It's been a weird week since we found out I had to transfer. Michael wanted me to quit and get some job here in Scranton, and I said "Well, why don't you quit and get some job in Nashua?" And he said "I asked you first." And I said "First!" at the same time he did. And then I said "Jinx." And then we never talked about it again and haven't been back to the conversation. So...
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: All right everybody. I'm out of here. Jim, you're in charge.
Jim: Oh, I'll walk you out.
Michael: Ah, you are quite the gentleman.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: You can let people go a couple of minutes early if you want.
Jim: All right. We'll see. [to camera] No.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Jim: I am off to New York. My brother Pete from Boston, and my brother Tom from New Jersey are taking Pam and I out for lunch, to celebrate the engagement. Or maybe to beat me up. I can never tell with those two.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Dwight: Good morning temp.
Ryan: 'Morning. [Dwight reveals Cornell sweatshirt] Wow. Good morning Dwight.
Dwight: Thought I'd go casual today. Morning everyone. Good morning. Hello. How are you Phyllis?
Andy: Ha ha ha. That's funny. [angrily] Take that sweatshirt off! Hey buddy.
Dwight: Andy.
Andy: Remember when I jokingly yelled at you to take your sweatshirt off? Totally joking. But, you should know, those colors are sacred. Not that I care. But if you're not a Cornell man, you probably shouldn't wear them.
Dwight: No I get it. I totally understand. And uh, I just want to assure you, that I mean no disrespect. You see, I'm applying!
Andy: Come on, you think you can get into Cornell?
Dwight: Well if somebody who barely out-sells Phyllis, can get in, I should be fine.
Phyllis: I'm sitting right here Dwight.
Dwight: I meant that as a compliment to you Phyllis, as well as a slight to Andy.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Dwight: Cornell is a good school, and I want to better myself through higher education. If it makes Andy angry, so be it. [He sips from his Cornell mug]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Holly: I have to unpack this weekend but maybe next weekend we go to the outlets!
Michael: Cool!
Darryl: Mike you'll drive this every weekend?
Michael: We're gonna switch back and forth, the driving. Sometimes we'll just meet in the middle. It'll be fun. Wait a sec. Oh I love this song.
Michael and Holly: Life is a highway, I want to ride it all night long.
Michael, Holly, and Darryl: If you're going my way, I wanna drive you all night long! If you're going my way...
[SCENE_BREAK]
Dwight: Hey there. So uh, how do you think we're gonna do against Penn this year? Nathan Ford's arm looks pretty strong.
Andy: Well he's had a pretty good season so far--- Stop saying "we." You did not go to Cornell. Okay, you're just doing this to screw with me.
Dwight: Not so. Cornell is an excellent school. Without its agricultural program, we probably wouldn't have cabbage. At least not modern cabbage.
Andy: I know it's an excellent school, Dwight. I went there. My blood runs Big Red.
Dwight: Someday, we'll both get together in Comstock Hall and just laugh about all of this.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Pam: Hey!
Tom: Hey, future baby sis!
Pam: How are you Tom. Nice to see you.
Tom: I'm good.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Pam: I asked Tom and Pete to come early so we could play a prank on Jim at lunch! Pretty awesome, right? I think they're into the idea. They're probably thinking, "That Pam Beasly, she's the coolest sister-in-law on the planet. She's the best! The absolute best."
[SCENE_BREAK]
Pam: Okay, so here's what I'm thinking. I'm gonna say that before ceramics class, I took off my ring, and then when I changed back out of my smock, it wasn't in my pocket anymore, and I lost it.
Pete: That's perfect. You know what would be even more hilarious? Remember that thing we did when Jim was in high school with his girlfriend?
Tom: Right! That would be hilarious! We should totally dog her, about being an artist, never making any money!
Pete: That, is awesome!
Tom: Like she basically has a hobby, for a job.
Pete: Oh yeah.
Pam: So, not the ring then? The- the- Not doing the ring?
Pete: I think this is better.
Tom: The other thing would "get" Jim.
Pete: This is nicer, it's fun. It's fun!
Pam: Okay, okay.
Tom: Oh, he hates it when we pick on his girlfriends.
Pam: Oookay....
[SCENE_BREAK]
Pam: They came up with that idea really fast.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Darryl: This trip was longer than I thought.
Holly: Yeah it did look shorter on the map-
Michael: Ah! Ah! Ahhhh! [waking up] Hey. Whew. Ow. I was having a nightmare.
Holly: You were sleeping? You were talking before.
Michael: Was I? Really? Was I saying anything interesting?
Darryl: Not really.
Michael: All right. What's the scoop, how far?
Darryl: Four hours. Almost halfway there.
Holly: We're only halfway?
Michael: Halfway! Okay, You know what I want to do, I want to pull over and find little bed and breakfast for when we meet in the middle. Emphasis on the bed. And the breakfast.
Darryl: Next exit isn't for five miles.
Holly: Let's check there.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Pam: Hey guys.
Jim: Hey, how are you?
Pam: Hi! [smooches]
Jim: Good to see you.
Pete: Nice to see you again, Pam.
Tom: Pam, I haven't seen you in so, so long!
Jim: All right so now we can sit... and get comfortable.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Darryl: There's nothing out here man.
Michael: Yeah. I don't know I just- I imagined a hotel right here. Pool, over here. Really good breakfast place. With really good bacon.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: Here we go, fourth time's a charm. "Life's like a road where you just... one day here, and the next day back...Sometimes you deal with it, today you don't, sometimes you do, what you want... there's a world out there.... [Holly sobs] Hey. Are you crying?
Holly: No.
Michael: Allergies?
Holly: No.
Michael: Did Darryl touch you?
Darryl: WHAT!?
Holly: No, Darryl did not touch me. Can we just keep going, please? [crying]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: What's the matter?
Holly: It's not gonna work.
Michael: Sure it is.
Holly: There's too much distance.
Michael: Oh no no no.. It's gonna work, it'll be fine.
Holly: Michael we've only been dating each other for a few weeks
Michael: Listen to me. I like you so much.
Holly: And I like you too.
Michael: And I've dated four women in the last--
Holly: I've dated four guys last year too.
Michael: Not last - no. In like the last ten years.
Holly: Oh.
Michael: I've dated almost four women, and you are so far above them, it is stupid.
Holly: Michael. Don't. Don't. Don't make it harder than it has to be.
Michael: That's what she said.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: Holly thinks that this relationship is over. Well, you know what? I am not gonna give up that easy. I'm gonna make this way harder than it needs to be.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Andy: Take that down. [Dwight has hung a large red Cornell banner from the ceiling]
Dwight: Excuse me?
Andy: Take. That down.
Meredith: You know I once dated a couple of guys from Cornell. They were really nice. They gave me a ride home.
Andy: I seriously doubt that anyone from Cornell dated you.
Creed: It's pronounced Ker-nell. It's the highest rank in the military.
Andy: It's pronounced "Corn-ell!" It's the highest rank in the Ivy League!
Dwight: Andy, let's just talk about this man-to-man, after work.
Andy: Fine.
Dwight: What do you say?
Andy: Yeah, good. Can we--- [Dwight pulls out Cornell mascot bobble-head] Grr. Heh heh heh. That's Big Red Bear! That's a bobble Big Red Bear! God!!
[SCENE_BREAK]
Holly: If you leave on Friday, by five, you'll be rolling in at... midnight? At best?
Michael: Yeah.
Holly: And then sleep in Saturday. That only leaves us less than 24 hours before you have to go back again.
Michael: Okay, okay. I will talk to you on the Bluetooth the entire trip. So we're talking constantly all the way.
Holly: Oh.
Michael: I'll tell you everything that I see. Everything that I pass by, things that I witness on the road.
Holly: Well-
Michael: Maybe I'll see an accident one weekend?
Holly: How long could we keep that up?
Michael: Years!
Holly: Years?
Michael: Yeah.
Holly: Years? Of just a few hours every weekend?
Michael: Here's my wish. I want you to meet a great guy, and I want you to be happy.
Holly: [kisses his temple] Thank you.
Michael: My wish has come true, incidentally, because, you've met me, and you are happy.
Darryl: Clever, Mike.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Tom: So Pam, how much does an artist make after they leave art school?
Pete: Yeah, not a lot of money in the arts, right?
Jim: That's not really true. There's a lot of things you can do with an art degree actually.
Tom: Maybe Pam should pay the check by drawing a picture on this napkin.
Jim: Wow, that's- that's a little rude. What's your deal?
Pete: Hey, just having fun Jimmy.
Tom: Yeah. Right Pam?
Pam: Yup! [Tom and Pete give Halpertian looks to camera]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: You know what? I think we're a great couple. I think we're a classic couple. I think we're like Romeo and Juliet. I think we... go together so well. We're like peanut butter and jelly, don't you think?
Holly: I do, I think so.
Michael: Then don't do it. Please don't do this. Please don't do this. [they continue arguing]
Darryl: [leaving someone a message on his cell phone, looking very uncomfortable] Hey what's up, I just thought I'd try you. I was thinking about that story where you ran into the girl you used to babysit.
Michael: I don't know what I'm gonna do!
Darryl: Please call me back.
Michael: Please?
Holly: You'll be okay
Michael: I'm not gonna be okay.
Darryl: Please...
Holly: You will.
Michael: No I won't! I'm not strong! And I'll go back to Jan, and I hate Jan! Oh God!
[SCENE_BREAK]
Andy: [outside men's room] You might be interested- [stops when he sees Stanley come out]
Stanley: What?
Andy: Dwight!
Dwight: Andy, I've been meaning to ask you, which a cappella group should I join? The Harmoniacs, or the Do-Re-Mi-Go's?
Andy: Hm. Assuming you had the voice to be in any of them, it's irrelevant. Because I called admissions and it looks like I, will be conducting your university interview.
Dwight: That's a conflict of interest.
Andy: Yeah. Big one. So, should I not let you in now, or do you want to do the interview, and then I won't let you in?
Dwight: [thinks] Interview.
Andy: Excellent. When the hourglass strikes three, then in the room whence employees confer.
Dwight: What?
Andy: The conference room!
Dwight: Okay.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Andy: Who are your role models?
[SCENE_BREAK]
Andy: If I had to put Dwight's chances into a percentage, I would say he has none percent chance.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Andy: So, Dane Cook, Jack Bauer, and Eli Whitney. You're doing great.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Jim: Oh wow. This is my niece Vanessa. She's a trumpeter. And, look at her.
Pam: Cute.
Jim: That must be really fun for you and Marci huh?
Tom: Yup. She only knows how to play "When the Saints go Marching In."
Jim: Love that one.
Pete: Yeah but, she doesn't think she's gonna be like, career musician right?
Jim: Here you go again! What is your deal today?
Pete: Just saying. How many famous trumpeters can you name besides... Louis Armstrong?
Pam: Miles Davis.
Jim: One.
Pam: Chet ...something.
Jim: Half.
Pete: The point is Pam, is there are jobs-
Pam: Dizzy Gillespie.
Jim: Also good.
Pete: And there are hobbies. I love baseball more than anything, but you don't see me try to get on the Mets.
Tom: You don't!
Jim: Pete couldn't make the Mets. She's at Pratt. You played JV baseball. Will you lighten up a little bit?
Pete: I'm just calling it like I see it.
Pam: I don't know if I'm gonna make any money with art.
Jim: Pam, don't worry about it.
Pam: I mean it's a very competitive field. But I have a professor who says I have a lot of promise, and if I don't try now, I never will. So...
Jim: Guys, what is going on?! [Pete and Tom burst out in laughter]
Tom: We pranked you!
Pete: It was Pam's idea. Pam was the mastermind.
Pam: ... Got you.
Pete: That was killer. I was so close to blowing it.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Andy: Let's see how well you know your Big Red history.
Dwight: Bring it.
Andy: Who was Cornell's eighth president?
Dwight: Dale Raymond Corson!
Andy: Mm, I'm sorry that's incorrect. Cornell's seventh president was in fact, James A. Perkins. [writes in a notebook] Comprehension skills, sub-par.
Dwight: Hmm, interviewing skills, sub-par. [writes in a notebook]
Andy: What are you writing? Can't even give Cornell your full attention?
Dwight: On the contrary, I'm helping Cornell. By evaluating their interviewers.
Andy: Nobody wants ...that, to happen.
Dwight: Well, when they get my evaluation we'll see if they're interested.
Andy: "Applicant is attempting to blackmail interviewer, showing low moral character."
Dwight: "Interviewer is threatening applicant with an arbitrary review process."
Andy: "Applicant is wasting everyone's time with stupid and inane accusations."
Dwight: "Interviewer has suspect motives."
Andy: "Applicant has a head shaped like a trapezoid."
Dwight: "Interviewer has turned off applicant's interest in Cornell, and they are going to go to the vastly superior Dartmouth." Ever heard of it? I think I have everything I need.
Andy: I have everything I need- [talking over each other]
Dwight: And you will be hearing from the -
Andy: And you will be hearing from -
Dwight: -Cornell Application Department,
Andy: which I will not be a part of-
Dwight: And you will not be pleased with the result. [pulls table away from Andy]
Andy: And YOU will not be pleased with the result!
Dwight: And your affiliation with Cornell -
Andy: And your affiliation with Cornell -
Dwight: Will end completely!
Andy: Will end completely!
Dwight: [has won the table war] That is all sir, you may go.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Darryl: [Michael and Holly cautiously pass each other] There's another dolly in the truck, Mike. You could take more than that lamp.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Pam: For the record, I wanted go another direction. Which was way better.
Jim: Well, I'll be the judge of that. What do you got?
Pam: Okay. I lost my engagement ring in ceramics class. Left it in my smock. I had this whole thing where I go back to class, wrongly accuse another girl. Look I even used makeup to put a ring around my finger, you can hardly see it, it's very subtle.
Jim: That is good.
Pam: Thank you.
Jim: Truthfully anything would have been better than that prank. [laughs] Oh, text message from my brother. "Pam cool. Welcome to the family."
Pam: Oh. Hey how about at Thanksgiving we prank Tom about being bald?
[SCENE_BREAK]
Darryl: This is the last of it.
Michael: Oh that's mine actually. Um, maybe put it back in the truck.
Darryl: You're not staying?
Michael: You know I have some things I need to do this weekend. I just remembered, so, I'll just ride back with you.
Darryl: But you want me to put it back in the truck.
Michael: I'll be down in just a second. [into house] Holly?
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: So um... I think I'm gonna go back with Darryl [Holly hugs Michael] Okay. [they kiss goodbye.] Goodbye.
Holly: Okay. Bye.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Darryl: I know it's hard Mike. Break-ups hurt.
Michael: We didn't break up.
Darryl: Looked like it. Sometimes when I'm down like this, it helps to sing the blues.
Michael: Okay.
Darryl: [bluesy] Da na na na na... da na na na na...
Michael: That's a really pretty song.
Darryl: Da na na na na. No, no, check it out, look. Da na na na na... want to do that?
Michael: Okay.
Darryl: That's when you hit me with what's getting you down, okay?
Michael: Okay.
Darryl: Da na na na na.
Michael: Da na na na na.
Darryl: Da na na na na.
Michael: Da na na na na.
Darryl: No, wait. You're, you're supposed to... Never mind. Da na na na na.
Michael: Da na na na na.
Darryl: Da na na na na.
Michael: Da na na na na.
Darryl: Da na na na na!!
Michael: Da na na na na!!
Darryl: Da na na na na .
Michael: [deeper] Da na na na na.
Darryl: Yeah! Da na na na na.
Michael: [deeper] Da na na na na.
Darryl: YEAH! Da na na na na.
Michael: [blues singer] Da na na na na...
[SCENE_BREAK]
Andy: [Whistling, enters office in farmer overalls] I thought I'd come in casual today. Man, I'm hungry. Anyone else feel like a beet?
Dwight: Where did you get those?
Andy: What, these? Bernard Farms. Best beets in the state.
Dwight: I see what you are doing. But I do not know where you are going with this.
Andy: Well you will. Soon as you visit, my new beet farm. [attempts to bite into a raw beet, beet is too hard] You're supposed to cook these, aren't you?
Dwight: [scoffs] Cornell. [easily bites into a beet] | Plan: A: corporate transfers; Q: What causes Holly to move back to New Hampshire? A: Nashua; Q: Where does Holly go when she is transferred? A: Michael; Q: Who moves Holly back to New Hampshire? A: Darryl's help; Q: Who helped Michael move Holly back to New Hampshire? A: Darryl; Q: Who teaches Michael to sing the blues? A: Pam; Q: Who is embarrassed when she is the only person at corporate wearing a costume on Halloween? A: a prank; Q: What did Jim's brothers pull on Jim? A: Dwight torments; Q: Who makes Andy a fan of Cornell University? Summary: When corporate transfers Holly to Nashua, Michael (with Darryl's help) moves her back to New Hampshire. Their plans to continue dating are dashed and they break up, and Darryl teaches Michael to sing the blues . Pam meets Jim's brothers, who pull a prank on Jim, which embarrasses her. Dwight torments Andy by becoming a fan of Cornell University . Pam is embarrassed when she is the only person at corporate wearing a costume on Halloween. |
THE TWIN DILEMMA
BY: ANTHONY STEVEN
Part Four
Running time: 25:04
[SCENE_BREAK]
NOMA: Why don't you kill her?
MESTOR: I find her pleasing. Pleasing!
NOMA: She's better dead.
MESTOR: This creature offers no threat.
PERI: That's right!
NOMA: Be silent.
MESTOR: But her companion... they should have found him by now. I sense danger.
DRAK: Be at peace, Doctor.
DOCTOR: How? The very core of my being is on fire with guilt and rage... how is he?
AZMAEL: Superficial damage, he'll be all right.
NOMA: He is the one.
AZMAEL: But Noma, he is a friend, he will save us from Lord Mestor.
NOMA: Lord Mestor is our friend. He is our enemy.
MESTOR: They have him! Yes, earthling. They have your friend.
PERI: He came here to help!
MESTOR: He did, hmph.
DOCTOR: Peri you're alive.
PERI: Oh please release him.
MESTOR: And have the fool wreck a scientific project of vast consqeuence?
DOCTOR: It's debatable who the fool is. If you intend to blow up this corner of the universe!
MESTOR: Are you challenging my calculations?
DOCTOR: Not at all. In fact if I can hold my mind together I might even be able to help you.
MESTOR: What can you offer me?
DOCTOR: Moving planets around is not for amateurs, you know. I mean the twins may have the mathematical skill but I have the empirical knowledge. The practical experience that can guarantee success. I mean one tiny error in your calculations, the planets you're trying to shift could fly off in any direction.
MESTOR: You're telling the truth, Time Lord?
DOCTOR: You should know. I can sense your presence in my mind.
MESTOR: Then why do you resist me?
DOCTOR: I'm secretive by nature. Besides, if you were to learn everything too quickly you'd have no reason to keep me alive.
CHAMBERLAIN: He's playing with us Master. Azmael has often spoken of this Time Lord. He's not to be trusted.
MESTOR: Never argue with me again! CHAMBERLAIN No Master!
DOCTOR: Good heavens. You are rather hot-tempered!
REMUS: We'd work much more effectively if we had them.
AZMAEL: What? ROMULUS Our memories.
REMUS: It's very disconcerting to have a large void in the middle of one's mind.
DRAK: You have little to lose.
ROMULUS: And our full cooperation to gain.
AZMAEL: Give me your right hand. Now yours. Well. Do you remember?
ROMULUS: Yes. Everything!
AZMAEL: Good.
LT HUGO LANG: Which is more than I do.
AZMAEL: Back to work. You took a heavy blow. Doctor!
PERI: Oh Hugo, are you all right?
DOCTOR: I've agreed to help you.
LT HUGO LANG: Help!
DOCTOR: With this ridiculous scheme of Mestor's.
REMUS: We can't work like this.
ROMULUS: There are too many interruptions.
NOMA: You'll do exactly as you are told. TWINS Then we won't do our best.
DOCTOR: And how do you think the Lord Mestor would feel about that?
PERI: He might show us that great little trick again. You know, the one with the green ray.
DOCTOR: Embolism, isn't it? Let me tell you, little tiny bubbles go very well in champagne and purgatives, Noma, but not in the blood.
NOMA: Wait outside.
AZMAEL: You too, Noma.
TWINS: Especially you.
DOCTOR: You don't seem very popular. Have you got fowlpest?
NOMA: You'll suffer for this humiliation. All of you.
DRAK: Childish threats are best left to children, Noma.
AZMAEL: Now go away we have a lot of work to do.
MESTOR: What do you know of this Doctor?
CHAMBERLAIN: Only what Azmael has said. He's supposedly a man of great cunning.
MESTOR: He's also egocentric, willful and quite mad. Once my work is completed I shall take great delight in examining this Doctor more closely. You will find the Time Lord's TARDIS.
CHAMBERLAIN: Yes Master.
DOCTOR: How does Mestor plan to bring the other two planets into the same orbit as Jaconda?
AZMAEL: A tractor beam.
LT HUGO LANG: Does he have enough power for such a thing?
AZMAEL: Oh yes.
DOCTOR: Well how will he stabilize Jaconda? Three planets in the same orbit will exert enormous gravitational pressure on each other.
AZMAEL: By placing them in different time zones. See each planet will occupy the same space but will be one Jacondan day ahead of the other.
DOCTOR: Very neat.
PERI: You mean Mestor can travel in time?
AZMAEL: Thanks to me.
MESTOR: Heheheheheh.
PERI: Doctor? Doctor?
DOCTOR: What?
PERI: Are you all right?
DOCTOR: Of course I'm all right. I'm certainly all right, it's the situation that's all wrong.
AZMAEL: In what way is it wrong?
DOCTOR: Both the outer planets are smaller than Jaconda.
PERI: That's obvious.
DOCTOR: So is the consequence if they're brought any nearer the Jacondan sun.
AZMAEL: But you're right. Why didn't I realise?
DOCTOR: Your mind was another thing's, my friend.
AZMAEL: Yes but to overlook something so simple.
PERI: What are you two talking about?
DOCTOR: A matter of simple physics. The gravitational pull of the sun on Jaconda is more or less consistent, yes?
PERI: I'll take your word for it.
DOCTOR: The outer planets are smaller, place them where Jaconda is... how long do you think they'll last?
AZMAEL: No time at all, their orbit would rapidly decay and they'd crash into the sun.
REMUS: Causing an enormous explosion.
ROMULUS: It'll be wondrous to see.
AZMAEL: Now be quiet and get on with your work.
LT HUGO LANG: Does Mestor know this could happen?
DOCTOR: Of course. PERI So why do it?
DOCTOR: I don't know. But there's method to his madness, of that I'm certain. In the meantime, carry on with your calculations. We don't want to arouse Mestor's suspicions.
(At the TARDIS.)
CHAMBERLAIN: Master?
MESTOR: Enter.
CHAMBERLAIN: Well, after you, gentlemen.
(Back to the Doctor.)
TWINS: We've finished.
AZMAEL: Well done.
PERI: Now what?
LT HUGO LANG: You can't give those calculations to Mestor.
AZMAEL: Doctor?
PERI: Doctor?
AZMAEL: He worries me.
PERI: He's not himself.
DOCTOR: Then who am I?
PERI: I wish you wouldn't keep wandering off like that.
DOCTOR: See it more as a mental stroll in a park of psychic tranquility.
AZMAEL: But what do we do next, the twins have finished their calculations.
DOCTOR: Who? Oh, oh very good. Excellent. Ten out of ten. Alpha plus.
DOCTOR: Interesting. Gastropod eggs.
PERI: Doctor, we're wasting time.
DOCTOR: Is it possible to get into the hatchery?
PERI: Whatever for?
DOCTOR: I sense the answer is in there. Azmael?
AZMAEL: Well, look, but please be quick.
DOCTOR: Of course. Eggsellent. The answer must be in here somewhere. Mestor hasn't gone to all this trouble... the egg of a slug. But where's the mucous? The jelly, the food that feeds the young within?
PERI: Does it matter?
DOCTOR: Of course, these eggs are dry and rubbery. Let's see what's inside. A laser cutter, I must have a laser cutter.
AZMAEL: I'll get one for you.
LT HUGO LANG: What is it that's worrying you, Doctor?
DOCTOR: I don't know. But something is wrong.
(He tries to cut it open.)
LT HUGO LANG: What were you trying to do, hard boil it?
DOCTOR: It should at least have scratched the surface.
PERI: Well if it's that tough, how will the young break out?
DOCTOR: How indeed?
LT HUGO LANG: It's reacted to the heat of the laser.
DOCTOR: Precisely what it's supposed to do. Only it isn't anything like hot enough yet.
PERI: Doctor, you're talking in riddles!
AZMAEL: No! No, he isn't and I fear he might be right.
DOCTOR: Are these all the eggs?
AZMAEL: No, there are more through there.
DOCTOR: So many. Ah, it all begins to make sense.
PERI: Not to me. You still haven't explained why the eggs are so tough.
DOCTOR: They were designed to withstand the temperatures of an exploding sun.
LT HUGO LANG: Nonsense!
AZMAEL I wish it were.
DOCTOR: Mestor's colonization is not of this planet, but the universe.
AZMAEL: The exploding Jacondan sun would scatter the eggs, and nowhere would be safe from invasion.
REMUS: We've made that possible. ROMULUS Our genius has been abused.
LT HUGO LANG: Doctor, could such a scheme work?
DOCTOR: It's so simple it's mind-boggling. Of course it could work.
MESTOR: Now you know everything, Time Lord.
DOCTOR: Right, what we need is a plan of action. Now you've still got your gun, take Peri and the twins back to the safety of the TARDIS.
LT HUGO LANG: Noma and the guards might still be outside.
DOCTOR: Then deal with them. You are supposed to be an interplanetary pursuit officer.
AZMAEL: What shall we do? DOCTOR Deal with Mestor.
AZMAEL: Are we capable, I mean look at us, Doctor. I'm old, I've even used up my ability to regenerate. And you, well your mind could cloud at any moment.
DOCTOR: I am fully alert and ready for action.
AZMAEL: Mestor will destroy us, you know.
DOCTOR: Better we die in harness back there against the odds than die in fear, finding menace in our own shadows.
REMUS: What do we do about our calculations?
DOCTOR: Can you carry them in your head?
ROMULUS: Of course.
DOCTOR: Then destroy all the notes you've made.
ROMULUS: That's simple.
(They fiddle.)
REMUS: It's done.
DOCTOR: Good. Drak, you go back to the TARDIS with the others.
AZMAEL: Drak? He's dead. His mind has been burnt out.
DOCTOR: Mestor!
AZMAEL: He's used him as a monitor. He must know everything that's been said in this room.
DOCTOR: There's no time to waste. Check the corridor.
LT HUGO LANG: It's clear.
DOCTOR: Now back to the TARDIS. Be careful. Good luck.
LT HUGO LANG: Thanks. Follow me.
PERI Good luck, Doctor.
DOCTOR: Such a nice girl. Hope I see her again.
AZMAEL: I'm sure you will, my friend. This way.
DOCTOR: Ah.
MESTOR: Noma!
NOMA: Yes Master.
MESTOR: Find the twins and bring them to me.
NOMA: Yes Master.
MESTOR: They must not be harmed.
NOMA: And the others?
MESTOR: Kill them.
PERI: This is ridiculous. How can we have got lost, there's only one passageway.
LT HUGO LANG: Well apparently not. PERI Okay, well, let's try along here.
DOCTOR: Ah, there you are. I've been looking for you. I've worked out what you're up to, and it's got to stop.
MESTOR: Control your arrogance, Time Lord.
DOCTOR: I'm not having your sluggy eggs spread all over the universe causing havoc. Nor will I allow you to destroy what was once a very beautiful planet.
MESTOR: You really are mad. You dare to threaten me in my own throne room?
DOCTOR: Did I threaten him? Did you hear me threaten him?
MESTOR: Be silent!
DOCTOR: Watch it, Mestor!
AZMAEL: Please, Doctor.
MESTOR: You do well to warn him.
DOCTOR: I'm the one who's doing the warning. Now will you give up this nonsense?
MESTOR: No, Time Lord!
DOCTOR: Then take the consequence!
(He throws the bottle.)
MESTOR: You think that I would be so vulnerable? You're an interfering fool.
DOCTOR: No. Just a rotten shot.
LT HUGO LANG This looks more like it.
PERI: You said that about the last passage that we were in.
NOMA: This time he's right. You almost made it. What a pity.
LT HUGO LANG: Leave them to me. ROMULUS No!
REMUS: They want us alive. Mestor needs our calculations.
NOMA: Don't push your luck.
LT HUGO LANG: Down!
(A brief gun battle ensues.)
NOMA: Kill him!
LT HUGO LANG: You might just reach that gun before I can kill you, but I doubt it.
DOCTOR: Indigestion? Or is it bad news?
MESTOR It does not concern you.
DOCTOR: Perhaps your plan to recapture the twins has failed.
MESTOR: A small setback, Time Lord.
DOCTOR: Be careful of Lieutenant Lang. He's been dying to kill someone ever since he got here. After all you did destroy his entire squadron. Earthlings have an unquenchable thirst when it comes to revenge.
MESTOR: Be silent!
AZMAEL: The Doctor has been ill, it's affected his reasoning.
MESTOR: He tried to kill me, he must therefore forfeit his own existence.
DOCTOR: Oh I thought we'd come to that. Embolism time, is it? Don't tell me. My blood will bubble like a raging stream. I will beg to die. And in so doing I will crave your indulgence and forgiveness.
MESTOR: Not quite, Time Lord.
DOCTOR: Good. Because in my time I have been threatened by experts. I don't rate you very highly at all.
AZMAEL: Doctor.
MESTOR: I have said you will cease to exist. But you will not die.
AZMAEL: Please, Lord Mestor.
MESTOR: I tire of the disadvantages of my own being.
DOCTOR: I don't blame you.
MESTOR: So I intend to take over your mind as well as your body.
DOCTOR: You! Take over my mind! Hahahah. It will be like throwing a pebble into a lake. It will sink without trace.
AZMAEL: But he can do it!
DOCTOR: A Jacondan mind, maybe, but I am a Time Lord!
MESTOR: Perhaps you would like be to demonstrate?
DOCTOR: Indeed.
DOCTOR: Azmael?
MESTOR: Azmael is now my slave.
DOCTOR: That's not fair. He's an old man.
MESTOR: Do you think I could not do this to you?
DOCTOR: Well, why don't you try?
MESTOR: Simplicity itself. All I need is...
AZMAEL: He's weakening. He's trying to control too much. All Jaconda is affected by his thoughts. Help me, Doctor. I cannot contain him for long.
DOCTOR: We must mind-link. Together we can destroy him.
AZMAEL: No, no, otherwise he will pass to you and you will be lost.
DOCTOR: I can contain him!
AZMAEL: No, quickly! You must destroy his body otherwise he will return to it.
(The Doctor throws another bottle.)
MESTOR: Too late, Time Lord. Now we must mind-link.
AZMAEL: No!
MESTOR: What is happening?
AZMAEL: You are lost, Mestor.
MESTOR: What are you doing?
AZMAEL: The one thing that you cannot control. I am dying. I am regenerating.
DOCTOR: You can't! You've used up your allotted number of lives.
AZMAEL: Don't you think I do not know that, Doctor? He is exorcised, my friend.
NOMA: AAAAAAAAA! AAAA!
PERI: What's happening? What's going on?
NOMA: Mestor is dead!
DOCTOR: You fool, why did you do it?
AZMAEL: I had no other choice.
DOCTOR: You should have left him to me.
AZMAEL: My friend, you were too unstable. He would have swamped you. You would have been the pebble drowning in his lake.
DOCTOR: To throw away your own life.
AMZAEL: It was nearly at an end anyway.
DOCTOR: You had so much to give! You were the finest teacher I ever had.
AZMAEL: You've learned all I know, and much besides. My only regret is leaving Jaconda. It gave me a good life. Many great moments. One of the best, my friend, was that time by the fountain.
DOCTOR: Azmael. Azmael. I shall miss you, old friend. I shall indeed.
PERI: I don't want to worry you, but the TARDIS door's open.
LT HUGO LANG: You stay here.
PERI: No, I've gotta find the Doctor.
LT HUGO LANG: All right, but be careful.
PERI: Look after him will you?
TWINS: Yes. Good luck.
LT HUGO LANG: Outside.
CHAMBERLAIN: Listen, young Sir, this planet's finished. There's no future here.
LT HUGO LANG: Shut up.
CHAMBERLAIN: But you don't understand, here we have a fine craft to take us away from here. Far away.
LT HUGO LANG: I said shut up!
DOCTOR: Sorry 'bout that.
PERI: Don't ever do that again.
DOCTOR: 'Course not.
PERI: Are you all right?
DOCTOR: Do I look otherwise?
CHAMBERLAIN: But we must get away from here.
ROMULUS: He can't fly the TARDIS.
REMUS: But we could learn.
DOCTOR: I'll take you all.
CHAMBERLAIN: You're a true gentleman, Sir.
DOCTOR: Wait a minute, I remember you. You're the Chamberlain!
CHAMBERLAIN: Yes, that's right, Sir.
DOCTOR I don't like you.
CHAMBERLAIN: Oh. But sir, I must get away from here!
DOCTOR: Then I suggest you start walking. Right, let's get you and the twins back to earth.
PERI: What about the rest of the people on this planet?
DOCTOR: They'll survive. LT HUGO LANG Who'll lead them?
DOCTOR: Well certainly not that thing. Neither will Azmael. He's dead.
PERI: Then you must help, Doctor.
DOCTOR: They're quite capable of looking after themselves. Listen. They've already started mopping up.
LT HUGO LANG: I'd rather stay. I feel I could be some use here.
DOCTOR: As you wish. Although I think you're mad.
LT HUGO LANG: I have nothing to go back to earth for, I've no one there.
DOCTOR: That I can believe.
PERI: I'm sorry about that. He never used to be so rude.
TWINS: Can we stay? PERI No. Into the TARDIS.
LT HUGO LANG: It was uh, it was nice to have met you, however strange the circumstances.
PERI: Good luck.
LT HUGO LANG: Thanks. I think we'll need it.
CHAMBERLAIN: Please take me. They'll kill me if I stay here!
LT HUGO LANG: No they won't. Goodbye.
PERI: Bye.
LT HUGO LANG: Oi! Move. Go on.
PERI: Did you have to be so rude!
DOCTOR: To whom?
PERI: Hugo. You could have at least have said goodbye!
DOCTOR: Hm. Oh.
PERI: Are you having another of your fits?
DOCTOR: You may not believe this, but I have fully stabilised.
PERI: Then I suggest you take a crash course in manners.
DOCTOR: You seem to forget, Peri, I am not only from another culture but another planet. I am in your terms an alien. I am therefore bound to have different values and customs.
PERI: Your former self was polite enough.
DOCTOR: But at such a cost, I was on the verge of becoming neurotic!
PERI: We all have to repress our feelings from time to time. I suggest you get back into the habit.
DOCTOR: And I would suggest, Peri, that you wait a little before criticising my new persona. You may well find it isn't quite as disagreeable as you think.
PERI: Well I hope so.
DOCTOR: Whatever else happens, I am the Doctor. Whether you like it or not. | Plan: A: Mestor's true plan; Q: What does the Doctor try to stop on Jaconda? A: Jaconda; Q: What planet is Mestor planning to take over? A: Azmael; Q: Who has a decision to make for his world? Summary: The Doctor attempts to halt Mestor's true plan for the planet of Jaconda, Azmael has a decision to make for his world. |
THE EVIL OF THE DALEKS
First broadcast: 1st July 1967
Repeat broadcast: 8th August 1968
Running Time: 25:25
[SCENE_BREAK]
1. CONTROL ROOM, DALEK CITY
(A special light slowly illuminates a familiar shape - A British 1960s Police Telephone Box.)
JAMIE: The TARDIS, Doctor!
(The DOCTOR worriedly turns to face the massive EMPEROR as it makes its most terrifying statement.)
EMPEROR: You will take the "Dalek Factor." You will spread it to the entire history of Earth!
(All three are shocked and, worst of all, the DOCTOR sees that he has not really got any choice in the matter at all.)
DOCTOR: (Half-shocked and half-defiant.) No. You can't make me do it! You can't!
EMPEROR: You will obey!
(The Black Dalek prods the three humans in the back.)
BLACK DALEK: Move!
EMPEROR: Doctor.
(The DOCTOR turns back to the EMPEROR.)
EMPEROR: You will obey!
[SCENE_BREAK]
2. EXPERIMENT ROOM, DALEK CITY
(Here, a BLACK DALEK enters the room to meet another DALEK. The room is almost filled up by some strange device.)
DALEK: Experiment ready.
BLACK DALEK: Proceed.
(The DALEK activates the strange device. As the machine starts to glow, a low hum can start to be heard.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
3. CELL, DALEK CITY
(The DOCTOR, JAMIE, and WATERFIELD have been put with KEMEL, MAXTIBLE and VICTORIA into a holding cell. The DOCTOR is idly playing his recorder as the others
(except for MAXTIBLE) talk in low voices.)
MAXTIBLE: Transmutation of metal into gold.
JAMIE: You mean to say, he's worked against us all, just for that?
DOCTOR: People have done worse for less, Jamie.
JAMIE: Look, it's daft though. Metal into gold is an old wives tale.
DOCTOR: Oh I don't know. The alchemists of the middle ages made transmutation their main aim in life.
JAMIE: Ah, they didn't succeed though.
DOCTOR: Even in the twentieth century, it's still considered scientifically possible.
MAXTIBLE: (Snaps.) Of course it's possible.
JAMIE: Oh, well, I don't care whether it's possible or not!
DOCTOR: Whether it is or whether it isn't is beside the point.
JAMIE: Oh, and what is the point then?
DOCTOR: Why are the do... Daleks doing this?
MAXTIBLE: They promised me!
DOCTOR: Daleks don't keep their promises.
MAXTIBLE: I see what you're trying to do Doctor. You're trying to shake my faith. But I will be given the secret.
(The man's total lack of morality causes JAMIE to finally snap and lose his temper.)
JAMIE: Oh, well. It won't do you any good, because you won't be able to use your secret! I'll see to that.
MAXTIBLE: You'll do no such thing!
DOCTOR: Jamie!
(But JAMIE was past caring. He flings himself on MAXTIBLE and starts to strangle him. The guard DALEK swiftly enters and warns JAMIE off.)
DALEK: Move away! Move!
VICTORIA: Please Jamie, do as it says.
(For VICTORIA's sake, JAMIE lets go of MAXTIBLE, who gasps for air and turns away from the traitor in disgust.)
DALEK: (To JAMIE.) You will not harm this human being. Or you will be exterminated.
DOCTOR: Yes, yes. We quite understand.
MAXTIBLE: (With a little of his arrogance.) You would be advised to do as they say.
JAMIE: Oh don't worry. The very thought of going near you repulses me.
WATERFIELD: (Pleading.) Mr. McCrimmon.
(The DALEK leaves. MAXTIBLE starts to write in a notepad his calculations, and starts to mumble the calculations while JAMIE turns to talk with VICTORIA. Nearby, while the DOCTOR starts to play his recorder again, WATERFIELD goes back to MAXTIBLE.)
WATERFIELD: They seem prepared to protect you.
MAXTIBLE: (His arrogance now fully returned.) Be warned.
WATERFIELD: I appeal to you, Maxtible. It may still not be too late. If they're your friends, help us. If you did, we could plan something - try to escape.
MAXTIBLE: No.
WATERFIELD: (Begs.) Then at least for Victoria's sake. After what you did to her.
MAXTIBLE: (Final note in his voice.) No, I tell you! No!
VICTORIA: It's no good, Papa. He doesn't listen any more.
(She moves to talk to the DOCTOR.)
VICTORIA: What are you thinking?
(The DOCTOR stops playing.)
DOCTOR: I'm trying to puzzle out a problem, Victoria. The Daleks say I'm going to do something for them. Something I would rather die than do.
MAXTIBLE: (Mumbling and writing.) Plus or minus point zero, zero, three. Plus or minus.
VICTORIA: Perhaps they think you're like him.
DOCTOR: Oh, no. The Daleks know me well enough by this time.
VICTORIA: They intend to persuade you then.
DOCTOR: Oh no. No it isn't that either. You see, there isn't a persuasion strong enough. Not even the offer of all the lives in this room.
VICTORIA: I see.
DOCTOR: Five lives against a whole planet? Well, it's not a choice is it.
VICTORIA: No.
DOCTOR: Even if I could trust the Daleks - even if they set us free, we still couldn't go back to Earth. I suppose I might try to take you all to another universe. I might even try and take you to my own planet.
VICTORIA: Your own?
DOCTOR: Yes. Oh, yes. I... I live a long, long way from Earth.
(A thought strikes him.)
DOCTOR: Oh, just a minute. Maxtible! Arthur Terrall! The Daleks put some kind of control device on him.
MAXTIBLE: What of it? It was erratic. I always warned the Daleks it would prove too unsatisfactory.
JAMIE: (Sneers.) Aye. Well, it's a good thing for you it did fail. They'd have tried it on you next.
[SCENE_BREAK]
4. CONTROL ROOM, DALEK CITY
(In the Control Room, Daleks can be seen moving through the room, but one in particular goes up to the Emperor.)
EMPEROR: Report!
DALEK: The experiment is ready.
EMPEROR: Proceed.
[SCENE_BREAK]
5. LABORATORY, DALEK CITY
(A BLACK DALEK enters the room to find three Daleks working away.)
BLACK DALEK: Discontinue work.
(The three Daleks continue working.)
BLACK DALEK: Discontinue work. Discontinue work.
(The Dalek continue working and a single Dalek voice speaks:)
VOICE: Why?
(Total silence and then the BLACK DALEK, in shock, totally explodes with anger.)
BLACK DALEK: (Totally furious.) WHO SPOKE! WHO QUESTIONED A DALEK COMMAND?!
[SCENE_BREAK]
6. CELL, DALEK CITY
(A buzzer sounds, and the BLACK DALEK moves away to summon MAXTIBLE to the door of the cell. Another Dalek brings some kind of machine.)
BLACK DALEK: The secret of transmutation of metal.
MAXTIBLE: Yes, yes! The secret you promised me.
BLACK DALEK: Turn and look.
(MAXTIBLE looks to a machine which contains a some liquids in a small bottle.)
BLACK DALEK: Above. Liquid metal. Read.
MAXTIBLE: (Moves.) Wait!
BLACK DALEK: Do not move!
MAXTIBLE: It is hard to see.
(He reads the figures on the machine.)
MAXTIBLE: Fifty-five point eight, four.
BLACK DALEK: Atomic weight. Read again.
MAXTIBLE: Seven point eight, four.
BLACK DALEK: Specific gravity.
DOCTOR: (To JAMIE.) Atomic weight and gravity of iron.
BLACK DALEK: Watch. Read atomic weight.
(We can hear gurgling noises as the liquid falls into the bottom of the machine as a different colour and the figures on the machine starts to turn to new numbers.)
MAXTIBLE: Nineteen point two.
BLACK DALEK: Read specific gravity.
MAXTIBLE: Sixty-nine point five.
(He realises what this equals.)
MAXTIBLE: Gold! Iron into gold!
(He turns to the others in total joy.)
MAXTIBLE: I told you it was possible! They've kept their promise! It's true! It's true! They have!
BLACK DALEK: The machine is yours.
MAXTIBLE: Yes. Ha, ha. Yes, Yes!
(In a state of dementia, MAXTIBLE wanders towards the machine.)
DOCTOR: (Warns.) Maxtible, if you value your life, don't go near that machine!
MAXTIBLE: (Laughs.)
(Oblivious to the Doctor's words, MAXTIBLE walks under the arch. A brilliant light suddenly rains down on MAXTIBLE, paralysing him.)
JAMIE: Maxtible!
(MAXTIBLE groans.)
VICTORIA: What have they done to him!
BLACK DALEK: (To MAXTIBLE.) Turn.
(MAXTIBLE turns away from the cell door.)
BLACK DALEK: Move to control.
MAXTIBLE: (Blankly in a human-Dalek voice.) I obey.
(The machine DALEK leaves with him.)
JAMIE: They've turned him into a Dalek.
BLACK DALEK: Yes. The Dalek factor.
DOCTOR: (Shocked.) Is that what you want me to do to the people of Earth.
BLACK DALEK: We know you will obey.
(It turns away leaves the DOCTOR to stare after it.)
DOCTOR: (Thoughtfully.) Human beings into Daleks.
[SCENE_BREAK]
7. CONTROL ROOM, DALEK CITY
BLACK DALEK: Emperor.
EMPEROR: Speak!
BLACK DALEK: A Dalek questioned an order.
EMPEROR: Questioned? Then it was one of the test Daleks.
BLACK DALEK: Yes.
EMPEROR: Find it, immediately!
[SCENE_BREAK]
8. CELL, DALEK CITY
(A little later, it is night in the room as everybody sleeps. The Dalek-ised MAXTIBLE returns to the workroom and, after inspecting the arch, silently opens the door. Inside the darkened room, he manoeuvres around the sleeping captives, stopping by the DOCTOR's side.)
MAXTIBLE: Doctor. Open your eyes. You are asleep still, but you can hear my voice. I have come to help you. Look at the box.
(He puts a box down by the DOCTOR. The DOCTOR looks to see the box showing a picture of the TARDIS.)
MAXTIBLE: I have had your TARDIS placed outside the city. I will take you to it. Rise and follow me.
(The DOCTOR rises and begins to move with MAXTIBLE toward the door.)
JAMIE: Hey, Doctor, what are you doing?
(JAMIE sees the DOCTOR being led towards the transmutation machine.)
JAMIE: Don't go near the door! Doctor!
(But the DOCTOR steps through the arch and is bathed in the Dalek Factor. JAMIE leaps up to help his friend.)
JAMIE: Doctor!
DOCTOR: (In stilted speech akin to a Dalek.) Stay where you are! That is an order!
MAXTIBLE: We will work together on the Dalek Factor. Follow me.
DOCTOR: I obey!
(The two leave the cell while JAMIE looks on despairingly.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
9. LABORATORY, DALEK CITY
(They walk down the hall and enter the lab. The machine is still here but they are alone.)
MAXTIBLE: Stop!
(The DOCTOR stops.)
MAXTIBLE: This machine is for the mass-production of the Dalek Factor. Follow me.
(The DOCTOR follows MAXTIBLE to another machine nearby. There was a small capsule near to it.)
MAXTIBLE: Stop. This machine will transform the thought patterns in this capsule into a steam. The steam will be sprayed into the atmosphere of the Earth.
DOCTOR: I must examine the machine.
MAXTIBLE: Do so.
(MAXTIBLE leaves the room, the DOCTOR bends down to take a closer look. He then looks back to check that MAXTIBLE is no longer in sight. The DOCTOR quickly moves back down the hall back to the cell...)
[SCENE_BREAK]
10. CELL, DALEK CITY
(...to the archway's control panel, and nimbly substitutes the capsule in the panel with an identical one from his pocket.)
DOCTOR: Jamie. Jamie! Jamie!
(JAMIE comes to the door.)
JAMIE: Yes?
DOCTOR: Jamie, when I give you the word, bring everyone through this archway. Through the door.
JAMIE: What?!
DOCTOR: Trust me!
(The main door to the cell block suddenly opens and a BLACK DALEK glides in. It stops at the sight of the DOCTOR.)
BLACK DALEK: What are you doing?
DOCTOR: (Back in his "Dalek" voice.) Take me to your emperor.
BLACK DALEK: Wait.
(The BLACK DALEK checks on the prisoners and then leaves with the DOCTOR. The group in the cell quickly leave through the alternate door to the hall.)
VICTORIA: We walked through! All just as though he was...
WATERFIELD: It must have affected him. We saw it happen.
JAMIE: But you heard him speak normally just now.
WATERFIELD: Another trap to make us walk though?
JAMIE: Oh, they could have pushed us in here any time they liked.
VICTORIA: Do you think there's a chance? Something to hope for?
JAMIE: I, uh... I don't know. Well, I... I don't understand. I mean, how do we know we can trust him?
[SCENE_BREAK]
11. CONTROL ROOM, DALEK CITY
(The DOCTOR and the BLACK DALEK enter the room, to be greeted by the EMPEROR and MAXTIBLE. The EMPEROR's eye-stick swings down to greet the new arrival.)
EMPEROR: What do you want?
DOCTOR: A Dalek questioned an order.
EMPEROR: Again?
MAXTIBLE: We have searched without success.
(The DOCTOR comes up with an "idea.")
DOCTOR: All Daleks must pass through the archway door. The Dalek with the human factor will then become a Dalek again - will become as this human and I have become.
EMPEROR: Let it be done!
MAXTIBLE & DOCTOR: I obey!
(They leave.)
EMPEROR: (To a DALEK.) You will deal with the human prisoners.
[SCENE_BREAK]
12. ARCH, DALEK CITY
(The DALEKS, one after the other, begin to file through the arch.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
13 CELL, DALEK CITY
(The DOCTOR meets with the humans as they re-enter the cell.)
DOCTOR: Go on quickly! Through the door! Follow them through the door! Oh, it's all right. I've changed over the Factors. I used one of the capsules from my test Dalek. I've given them all the human factor! Go on! Go on!
JAMIE: Well, aren't you coming?
DOCTOR: Well, I've got things to do. And I've been through already.
JAMIE: Ah, well, why didn't it affect you then?
DOCTOR: I don't come from Earth, Jamie. Now, down the corridor, turn to the left and find the tunnel. I'll join you there later.
(The DOCTOR leaves the others.)
JAMIE: Oh well, here goes.
(JAMIE safely passes through.)
JAMIE: It's all right, nothing happened! Come on! Come on Kemel. Quick!
(KEMEL follows, but WATERFIELD will not.)
WATERFIELD: Victoria, I must help the Doctor!
JAMIE: Och, don't be a fool man!
VICTORIA: Father! No!
WATERFIELD: I must find Maxtible. He's to blame for all of this. (To JAMIE and KEMEL.) Take care of her.
VICTORIA: But father!
JAMIE: Oh, he'll be all right. Come on!
(The three edge past a group of Daleks. Their casings are open, exposing (for the first time) the creatures within them.)
ALPHA: Ah! Dizzy!
DALEK 2: Dizzy!
DALEK 3: Dizzy!
ALPHA: Dizzy!
DALEK 2: Daleks!
ALPHA: Dizzy!
DALEK 2: Dizzy!
DALEK 3: Dizzy Daleks!
ALPHA: Dizzy!
DALEK 2: Dizzy!
DALEK 3: Dizzy Daleks!
ALPHA: Dizzy!
(MAXTIBLE enters with the BLACK DALEK.)
MAXTIBLE: Where are the prisoners?
ALPHA: (Surly.) I do not know.
BLACK DALEK: Continue working.
ALPHA: Why?
DALEK 2: Yes, why?
BLACK DALEK: Do not question.
ALPHA, DALEKS 2/3: Why? Why not question? Why? Why? Why?
BLACK DALEK: Silence! You will obey!
ALPHA: I will not obey!
(The BLACK DALEK opens fire on the first DALEK. The creature screams in agony as the blast reduces it to a lifeless, smouldering blob.)
BLACK DALEK: You will obey without question!
(The other two Daleks fire on the BLACK DALEK and the BLACK DALEK dies.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
14. A CORRIDOR, DALEK CITY
(The DOCTOR leads a group of humanised Daleks to the entrance of the control room.)
DOCTOR: Quickly, this way! Follow me Daleks! This way! Come on!
(They enter the ante-room of the Imperial Chamber to be greeted with another BLACK DALEK.)
BLACK DALEK: Return to your work.
BETA: Why?
BLACK DALEK: Do not question.
DOCTOR: Why not question? What work? Tell them?
BLACK DALEK: Silence!
BETA: Explain.
OMEGA: What work?
DALEK 1: Why obey without question?
DOCTOR: Ask the Emperor!
OMEGA: The Emperor!
BETA: Yes, ask the Emperor!
(The human DALEKS move forward and the BLACK DALEK is forced back.)
BLACK DALEK: Keep back, you cannot enter!
DOCTOR: Why?
DALEK 1: Why?
OMEGA: Why?
BETA: The Emperor must explain.
(The BLACK DALEK shoots and kills DALEK 1.)
DOCTOR: Defend yourselves Daleks! The black Daleks are attacking you!
[SCENE_BREAK]
15. CONTROL ROOM, DALEK CITY
(The Emperor and six remaining BLACK DALEKS are present and the alert hooter is going.)
EMPEROR: All Black Dalek Leaders to Control. Exterminate all opposition! Destroy rebels!
[SCENE_BREAK]
16. ANTECHAMBER, CONTROL ROOM, DALEK CITY
DOCTOR: Come on! This way! Come on!
BETA: I will obey.
OMEGA: But not without question.
DOCTOR: That's right. Question!
(WATERFIELD finds the DOCTOR.)
WATERFIELD: Doctor!
DOCTOR: The Black Daleks are attacking every...
WATERFIELD: Hurry man!
DOCTOR: The Emperor has commanded it.
BETA: Why?
OMEGA: Why?
DOCTOR: Because you question. Defend yourselves. Destroy the Emperor. Or be destroyed yourselves!
WATERFIELD: Hurry!
DOCTOR: Destroy the Emperor!
WATERFIELD: We must go, Doctor.
DOCTOR: Yes, I know. I'm finished now.
(A BLACK DALEK approaches and fires. WATERFIELD jumps in front of the DOCTOR, taking the full blast. The human DALEKS start to battle and the BLACK DALEK is destroyed. In the midst, the DOCTOR kneels with WATERFIELD.)
DOCTOR: Now lie still. I'll try to get help to you.
WATERFIELD: No time for help.
DOCTOR: You saved my life, didn't you?
WATERFIELD: Yes. Good life to save. (A brief smile.) Please, you must... Victoria.
DOCTOR: Don't worry about Victoria. We'll look after her.
WATERFIELD: No... time... for... me...
(WATERFIELD closes his eyes and dies. The DOCTOR stands up with a grim look on his face.)
DOCTOR: The Emperor has commanded your destruction!
DALEKS: Why? Why? Why?
DOCTOR: Well, your friends are fighting for you!
BETA: Friends?
DOCTOR: Down there. Help them.
(He directs them to a windows overlooking the Emperor's control room. The rebels have now entered the chamber and are battling their way towards the Emperor.)
OMEGA: Friends.
(They all move towards the battle, except the DOCTOR.)
DALEKS: Exterminate! Annihilate them!
[SCENE_BREAK]
17. CONTROL ROOM, DALEK CITY
EMPEROR: Danger! This is your Emperor speaking! There is danger here! Obey me! Do not fight in here! Do not fight in here! I said, Obey! Obey!
(But no one listens as the battle continues across the room. All the DALEKS are blasting away at each other. The loyal Daleks are being totally overwhelmed by the Rebels.)
EMPEROR: Obey me!
(Incredible as this is, it is a total full-scale civil war erupting on Skaro! The Daleks continue to destroy each other. Seeing this, the Emperor tries again:)
EMPEROR: Obey me! Your Emperor is ordering you. Do not fight in here! Do not fight in here! Obey! I am your Emperor! Daleks, obey me! Obey! Obey! Obey!
(This has no effect, and the Emperor starts to speak in both panic and anger:)
EMPEROR: You will be exterminated! All exterminated. Annihilated! You will all be exterminated! Annihilated!
(It screams out one final fact:)
EMPEROR: THE DALEK RACE WILL DIE OUT COMPLETELY! Obey your Emperor! Obey! Ob...
(More crashes are heard as the rebel Daleks score a major victory and draw almost up to the Emperor Dalek.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
18. TUNNELS, ABOVE THE DALEK CITY
(In the underground tunnel, JAMIE, VICTORIA and KEMEL watch as the smoke from the burning city below climbs up the chasm. And then a familiar voice calls out:)
MAXTIBLE: Kemel! Come here!
(VICTORIA shelters behind JAMIE, KEMEL walks purposely forward to confront the possessed MAXTIBLE. With superhuman strength gained from the Dalek Factor, MAXTIBLE grips KEMEL and forces him closer to the chasm. As MAXTIBLE continues to push him, we hear both a DALEK voice (probably from the possessed man's mind) and MAXTIBLE chanting.)
DALEK VOICE & MAXTIBLE: Kill! Kill! Kill! Kill!
(KEMEL tries in vain to hold his footing, but the inhuman MAXTIBLE slowly forces the Turkish strongman over the edge of the chasm. With a cry (which is the first thing he has ever said), KEMEL falls to his death.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
19. CONTROL ROOM, DALEK CITY
(The battle is well and truly won by the rebels. As they reach the Emperor, the Emperor screams out one final appeal:)
EMPEROR: Attention! Attention! Emergency! Emergency! All Daleks return to control immediately!
[SCENE_BREAK]
20. TUNNELS, ABOVE THE DALEK CITY
(VICTORIA looks down at the chasm which has claimed KEMEL's life, while we hear explosions coming from the city.)
VICTORIA: Poor Kemel!
(JAMIE holds her gently.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
21. CONTROL ROOM, DALEK CITY
(The EMPEROR starts to scream as the rebels start to attack it.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
22. ENTRANCE TO THE CITY, DALEK CITY
(Heading for the tunnel, the DOCTOR quickly hides as MAXTIBLE returns to the city. MAXTIBLE moves forward and re-enters the control room.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
23. CONTROL ROOM, DALEK CITY
(At the entrance to the room, MAXTIBLE looks at the damage being done to the Emperor and cries out in a huge voice.)
MAXTIBLE: The Daleks must not... cannot be destroyed. The race will survive! The Daleks will live! And Rule! FOR EVER!
(The rebels fire at MAXTIBLE and he is quickly killed. The human Dalek, both human and Dalekised, is no more.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
24. CITY
(We see the Dalek city beginning to burn, and buildings start to collapse. Carnage and chaos reign throughout the city.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
25. HILLSIDE - NEAR THE TARDIS
(The battle is winding down as the DOCTOR charges up the tunnel and joins JAMIE and VICTORIA.)
JAMIE: Doctor.
DOCTOR: Jamie! Jamie!
JAMIE: A Dalek nearly caught us, but I... I tossed it over the edge. But... poor Kemel.
DOCTOR: (Half puzzled and then remembering who KEMEL was.) Kemel?
JAMIE: Aye. You see, he was trying...
(But VICTORIA, seeing that her father is not there, decides to demand:)
VICTORIA: Where is my father?
(The DOCTOR's face tells her the worst.)
VICTORIA: Is... is he dead?
DOCTOR: (Gently.) Yes. Yes, I'm afraid he is. But, he didn't die in vain. I think we have seen the end of the Daleks, forever!
(VICTORIA starts to grieve and turns away, giving the DOCTOR the chance to take JAMIE aside.)
DOCTOR: Jamie, we must move along to the TARDIS. It's over there.
JAMIE: (Staring at VICTORIA and stating gently but firmly:) We can't leave her alone, Doctor.
(The DOCTOR looks shocked at the idea.)
DOCTOR: We're not going to leave her. She's coming with us!
(He turns back to the City as JAMIE goes over to tell VICTORIA the news. Not much is now left of the city. The DOCTOR's face is a mixture of total delight and total grimness as he realises that he has brought about the end of the most hated and ruthless race in the universe. It is over, but the DOCTOR wishes it had not been at such a cost to his friends. There was only one statement on the matter he can make:)
DOCTOR: The end. The final end!
(And he goes to join JAMIE and VICTORIA by the TARDIS.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
26. CONTROL ROOM, DALEK CITY
DALEKS: Destroy! Destroy!
(The Emperor - the Doctor's main adversary - the leader of the invasion of Earth - the creator of the Time Destructor - the deviser of the Masterplan - a mass-mass-murderer - finally meets its end in the Control room. The rebel Daleks continue to mop up the loyal Daleks, and the once-mighty Emperor Dalek screams out as the flames and the rebel Dalek's blasts consume it. At long last, the Daleks are totally destroyed! And the universe can thank a certain Time Lord - a small individual in a frock-coat with black hair and a faulty TARDIS - for destroying one of the universe's greatest - if not the greatest - perils.) | Plan: A: The Daleks; Q: Who is poised to spread the Dalek Factor throughout the history of Earth? A: the Doctor; Q: Who will the Daleks implant with the Dalek Factor? Summary: The Daleks are poised to spread the Dalek Factor throughout the history of Earth and begin by implanting the Doctor. |
Ted, Barney and Marshall are at McClaren's and Lily joined them.
Barney: I heard a joke at work.
Ted: Come on. She will not like it. It's funny for the guys, not girls.
Barney: It's sexist! When it's funny, it's funny. Lily's cool. She'll love it.
Marshall: Do it yourself.
Lily: Tell it.
Barney: Ready? What is the difference between jam and Nutella? (Marshall laughs) It's funny.
Ted: For the guys.
Marshall: She will not like it.
Lily: Why do not I decide? What is the difference between jam and Nutella?
Ted (2030): Can Barney gave the fall. To date, it remains the most disgusting joke I have ever heard in my life. And no, I do not say.
Lily: Yeah, I can not hang out with you. Lily leaves the bar.
Barney: Come on. It's funny. This is...
Ted: I told you so.
Barney: She'll be back.
Ted (2030): And we saw more Lily for 4 weeks.
GENERIC
Ted (2030): The children, after being fired, I finally realized my lifelong dream: to create my own architectural firm. I had just customers.
Ted checks the phone.
Robin, out of the room: I think it's great that you fly with your own wings. I admire that.
Ted: Thank you. And thank you for letting me use the apartment.
Robin: Yeah, sure. Anything you want.
Ted: A little thing, do you mind to cut off the TV during labor?
Robin: It's not work!
Ted: Sorry. It's just... I can not concentrate during the Wheel of Fortune... A penny saved is a penny, Helen!
Robin: I know you're nervous, but we must stop procrastinating. You've spent two days to choose the pen official Mosbius Designs.
Ted: I've suggested! I removed the felt. I make fun of that? The felt is back. Barney comes to see that Marshall is in his office.
Barney: You know for layoffs?
Marshall: Yes, I know. I tag. Are you worried?
Barney: Are you kidding? I know one thing about this company. I will never be fired. It is likely that one day I was stranded on a beach with no footprints or teeth, but I will not fire.
Marshall: I would like to have your insurance.
Barney: You just gotta find a way to make you absolutely critical.
Marshall: I work harder than anyone in my division.
Barney: Keep your job has nothing to do with being a hard worker. You need something.
Marshall: What do you mean something?
Barney: You know, something that makes you funny and loved, as Marcus Denisco. Flashback Barney is in a meeting.
Ted (2030): Marcus Denisco worked in accounting, and it was probably the worst employee of the box.
Marcus: I brought donuts. They are probably stupid.
Ted (2030): But ultimately, it was called...
All: Chow-man!
Marcus: Who wants pork barbecue? Of course you want! End flashback
Marshall: I love Chow-man. They can not fire him. You know what I like about Chow-man?
Barney: It's always food.
Marshall: It's always food.
Barney: You see? You need it. You need that thing that makes you a man.
Marshall: I have this thing that makes me a guy. Maybe even a guy and a half.
Barney: Not this stuff. You know, something. Toy-like man. Flashback Marshall and Barney are in the office filled with toys, one of their colleagues.
Toy-Man: Bad news. As HR, I must review the new overtime policy with you. The good news is that we will do with Wolverine's claws! (They start to play all three) Section 5A: doing overtime will no longer be paid double.
Marshall: That's great!
Barney: Claw tape! End flashback
Marshall: I love Toy-man.
Barney: You see? You need something. Youtube-like man. Flashback Marshall and Barney watch a video in the office of another of their colleagues. End flashback
Marshall: You're right. I need something.
Barney: But choose wisely. You want to become the horrible man Massage. Flashback Marshall and Barney are in the conference room.
Barney: You filled it. Grub-man has a panna cotta in his office. Massage man, massaging the shoulders of Marshall: Hi, dude.
Marshall: Hi, Douglas.
Douglas: You're so tense.
Marshall: I was relaxed, two seconds ago.
Douglas, Barney: You're next. End flashback Robin returned to the apartment.
Man: Welcome to Mosbius Designs.
Robin: Who are you?
Man: PJ, the assistant of Mr. Mosby.
Robin: What's going on?
PJ: Sorry. You do not interrupt Mr. Mosby during his hours of reflection. Ted, by phone at PJ interposed: Good, PJ. This is Robin. She lives here.
PJ: Sorry for the inconvenience, sir. You need something else?
Ted: I would not refuse a cup of coffee.
Robin: You're right next door! Ted and Robin went down to the bar where Barney goes with them.
Robin: So now Ted is assisted to do nothing.
Ted: PJ is a great help. Install the desktop, create the Web site. And in return, I guide a young brilliant mind.
Robin: Yes, the guide. Flashback Ted is in the apartment with a man eats and Robin.
Ted: I want you to go out today and... put your hands on the buildings. Okay? Sense the vibrations of the concrete. Listen to the stories that you tell the stones. And going to the cleaners.
Man: I will. Thank you very much, Mr. Mosby.
Ted: All right. The man left the apartment and Robin puts his ear on the table.
Robin: This table just told me that you're an idiot. End flashback
Robin: This idea of being a guide is to procrastinate the fact of calling customers.
Ted: I do not procrastinate. I just want everything to be perfect, right? I have only one test.
Robin: Okay, but PJ does not help.
Barney: If Ted says that PJ is necessary to society, then PJ will go nowhere.
Ted: You see? It is useful.
Barney: PJ is a guy? PJ, this is not a hottie you f*ck?
Ted: No, I guide him.
Barney: A Guide. I guided a young, once. I made him my co-pilot. Then one day, he hired an assistant to work 3 meters from her room, which... Check it out... is not a hottie, proving he has never listened. You know how to call this type?
Ted: Ted Mosby?
Barney: Maybe. I remember more. Because for me he is dead!(He rises) PJ will receive a mail with a disruptive place, it should in any circumstances be three days and then send it to me. Everyone leaves the meeting room, Marshall called Barney who is about to leave too.
Marshall: I thought of something to become indispensable.The Ecolo-man! Everyone loves recycling, eh?
Barney: Fired. What else you got?
Marshall: I have others. Ties-Fun-man.
Barney: Fired.
Marshall: Info-Unusual-man?
Barney: Did you know? Whether you're fired?
Marshall: Stretch-man?
Barney: upside down Viré.
Marshall: The Monty-Python-man?
Barney: We are the knights who say... You're fired.
Marshall: Wait! I ran a simulation league baseball in school.
Barney: Not bad. You got maybe something.
Marshall: Great! Great! I Simulates-man!
Barney: Actually, you'll Sports-man. We have already Simulates-man.
Man: OK, guys?
Barney: Hi, Frank. Ted size pen when the phone rings.
Ted: Hello? Hello, PJ. Where are you? You're never late.You're mounted on the Empire State Building? Listen to the old lady. She knows stories. Take your time. (Hangs up) Wait."Ted Mosby House." The call comes from within! (He opens the bedroom door and discovered Robin in bed with PJ) This is not the Empire State Building. You can not sleep with my assistant. I try to work here, me. How did that happen?
Robin: At noon, when you go to any walk of reflection, that leaves us time to spend together. Flashback Ted is at the door of the apartment while PJ is behind his desk.
Ted: Inspiration... do your work.
PJ: Each time, chief. Every time. He left the apartment, leaving Robin with PJ.
Robin: Tell me, PJ, I have a question for you architecture.Ted's ass what taste?
PJ: No idea, but probably the taste of engineering.
Robin: It's locked?
PJ: Visitors must register for the key.
Robin: Listen, PJ. And I want you to think seriously before answering. You tell me I can not go to the bathroom with me?
PJ: I tell you that you must ask permission to use the toilet in my premises.
Robin: Why does it excite me? She grabs him by the neck and kisses him. End flashback
Ted: There's billions of guys on Earth. Why do you sleep with him?
Robin: When I leave the job, it is 5:30 am. Got an idea of guys I meet? Flashback
[SCENE_BREAK]
Robin is at the bar with a man.
Man: I distribute the newspaper, it's dirty but someone has to do. Do not worry, I wash them before you fiddle with the parties. Then with another...
Man: I live with my mom. In the evening they watch TV in bed.It's called "The club hugs." And yet another...
Robin: So, you get up very early to discuss the European market? How is it?
Man: Look, we'll do it or not? End flashback
Ted: First, I know Simulates-man, this is a good match.Second, it must stop! If you distract PJ, you lose productivity.
Robin: What productivity? You did not call a single customer.
Ted: Once launched the website, printed brochures, and the choice of games at the business seminar, I will call.
Robin: Seminar?
PJ: Mr. Mosby and I are going camping on the roof. Marshall is in his office when Barney comes to see.
Barney: Sports-man. I heard people talking about your club.
Marshall: It's a bit harder than I thought. Registration fees, transaction charges penalty, I... keeps a lot of money. Flashback Marshall is in the meeting room.
Grub-man: Good job, Sport-man. That's last week.
Marshall: 60, 80, 100. $ 18 000 in cash. It's nothing. I'll bring it home and put them in a safe place. (Marshall is in the street) OK, walk down the street with money in his pocket. Not touch the money. It's so obvious. Be natural. The baby looks at me.Babies can smell money. It is known! I carry a lot of money! He starts running. End flashback Barney and Marshall are in McClaren's.
Marshall: Really, dude, I know not how long I'll keep.
Barney: Last week you were a waste that nobody was looking.Now you're Sports-man.
Marshall: A waste?
Barney: Last week! Ted enters the bar, followed by Robin.
Marshall: This is Ted Mosby Mosbius Designs. How is the home office?
Ted: Okay, until Robin sleeps with my assistant.
Robin: This is our apartment. You let a cake on the counter, Mama's going to offer a slice.
Barney: I've told you, commits a pretty assistant with whom you can sleep instead of hiring an assistant with whom Robin sleeps. Of course he'll sleep with her. It is the coolest on the planet. I am off topic! You're an idiot! This is my message!You're an idiot! An angry person, that's not enough! Marshall with me! Barney and Marshall away.
Marshall: Dude, why are you so upset that Ted does not sleep with the people he hires?
Barney: Because it hurts!
Marshall: How so?
Barney: It hurts because I love... when Ted... layer with women. I am a very devoted friend! Lily is the only one I can talk. Tell him to talk to me.
Marshall: I'll try, but no warranty. She is still shocked by this joke. This joke. It tore our group, which turns the people I love against the other. Frankly, I would... I would like this joke is never entered our lives.
Barney: It's funny anyway, right?
Marshall: It's very funny. Ted comes home and finds PJ behind his desk.
Ted: Good news, PJ. The brochures just arrived. Great choice for coverage. I like that instead of one of my creations, you to choose that. A photo of Robin and PJ.
PJ: You know what? I had to send the wrong photo.
Ted: You think so? Listen to PJ, the website is still not done.You're not even come to the seminar... In fact, I saw a shooting star... and you're late every day. Sorry, PJ. I must be concentrated. You're fired.
PJ: You can not fire me...
Ted: You're fired.
PJ: Well! (He takes his phone) Hi, baby, I've just been fired.Yes, I'll wait with you. (He settles on the couch and turn on the TV) The Wheel of Fortune. Robin is with PJ on the couch.
PJ: I like having all this time to spend with you book. I'll kiss you there... And there... And here and there. And...
Robin: One more.
Ted: Stop.
PJ: I'm going to the toilet. I'll miss you.
Robin: I'll miss you too. PJ gets up and goes to the bathroom.
Ted: You've already tired of him.
Robin: It is driving me crazy. When PJ was working, he was sexy. The keeper of the key toilet. A sexy guy that says when you can go to the bathroom or not? It's the dream.
Ted: "It's the dream"? The dream? As mentioned by Martin Luther King?
Robin: I have to stop, right? I know not break.
PJ: I still have to go, but I could no longer stay away from you.
Robin: Listen... Dude, I know.
PJ: What?
Robin: Yes, it's just... It's not really... that, you know?
PJ: It's on what?
Robin: I feel it.
PJ: Do you not feel anything?
Robin: But friends and others.
Ted: My God, this is the worst break.
PJ: You're breaking up with me?
Robin: If this is what you want, I totally understand. Marshall and Barney are in the boardroom.
Toy-man: You do not use this short-stop that the Mariners have discussed. I must have.
Barney: You see, Sports-man. People adore you.
Marshall: I can be more Sports-man. I'm going crazy! I keep receiving text messages, emails and calls in the middle of the night. Sometimes I even think that I follow.
Douglas: Hi, dude. We need you to do this exchange, I can prepare my team. You are really tight, is it not?
Marshall: Seriously, it's over.
Douglas: I stop?
Marshall: No.
Ted (2030): With the breakdown of Robin and PJ, I was free to change the personnel office. Robin returned to the apartment, where Ted works.
PJ: Welcome Mosbius Designs.
Robin: Are you kidding?
Ted (2030): Now that PJ came back to work... Ted returned to the apartment and finds Robin and PJ kissing on the couch.
Ted: Are you kidding? Marshall and Barney are at the bar.
Marshall: Apparently, Robin and PJ are together again.
Barney: You're kidding!
Marshall: How are you?
Barney: As Lily not speaking to me, I must tell you something.And it's not easy to say, OK? I... wait... 'm... wait... love...wait... of... wait... a... wait... some... wait...
Marshall: I know you're in love with Robin.
Barney: What?
Marshall: Lily told me.
Barney: She told you? Great. I guess you marrez my back all this time.
Marshall: Actually, oddly, we both think you're meant for each other.
Barney: Really?
Marshall: It even tries to sit on the same side for you to sit side by side.
Barney: Really? This is so cute. But let's be clear. I do not like it, OK? It's just that... I miss when she is not there. I think about her all the time, I guess one day we will run towards each other in slow motion and I wear a suede jacket.
Marshall: Tell her how you feel?
Barney: No. Perhaps. Ever. I know not. Listen... I just need to get rid of that idiot PJ. If Lily was there, she would know how to get rid of him.
Marshall: I can perhaps help you.
Barney: You're not Lily. Lily is a diabolical puppet master, the subtle situations to achieve its ends. This is evil incarnate. You have the right. Cling to it. PJ returned to the apartment with flowers.
Ted (2030): Meanwhile, I thank you without fight against Robin and PJ continued.
Ted: I was going to do my walk with wisdom. Want to go?
Robin: I took the key to the toilet without asking. Are you gonna do?
PJ: Listen... you're great. But I chose another job. This is for you. Robin, I hope this letter will offer a conclusion. You will really miss. Meeting Room of Goliath National Bank...
Chow-Man: Manny Ramirez is not exchange against two replacements!
Toy-man: If you put your veto, I am going!
PJ: I'll find something.
Barney: Hire the kid as his assistant. He does all the work and you're still Sports-man. Evil incarnate, Eriksen. Evil incarnate. Robin returned to the apartment while Ted is at his desk.
Robin: Are you okay?
Ted: And if I did not think the books?
Robin: Sorry?
Ted: There is a history of architecture on a famous architect who designed the library. She was perfect. But every year, sinking a few inches into the ground. Obviously, the building was condemned. He forgot to take into account the weight of books. This box... it's just me. If I ever thought not to books?
Robin: No one goes to the library, so you do not care of this type. And you must pick up the phone and call customers.
Ted: The more I delayed the launch of my box, the more it can remain a dream and not something that I screwed up. It's like if I quit before it began.
Robin: You wanna talk drop? I described as the perfect guy "funny, intelligent, passionate, ambitious." And apparently, I just... "In my apartment." You thought that you would have understood, now?
Ted: Are you kidding? At 30, I had to have an insolent success, being married to the perfect woman, maybe a kid on the way. Instead, I'm just a guy sitting in his apartment, which is a competition look with his phone. And who loses.
Robin: You can do it. Ted picks up the phone and dials a number.
Ted: Hello, Ted Mosby Mosbius Designs. I learn about your design needs, present or future.
Robin: It looks good.
Ted: I looked confident?
Robin: Now known as a real customer.
Ted: Great. Marshall and Barney eats in the boardroom.
Marshall: Hey, Chow-man!
Barney: Hey, Toy-man!
Marshall: Who's this guy?
Barney: He is not here. I think we should leave.
Marshall: Really?
Barney: It's happened before. They leave the room running. | Plan: A: Ted; Q: Who decides to start his own architectural firm? A: his own architectural firm; Q: What does Ted start after losing his job? A: his apartment; Q: Where does Ted start his own architectural firm? A: an intern; Q: Who does Ted hire to help him start his own architectural firm? A: comfort; Q: What does Ted's friends not want his intern to get too close for? A: Marshall; Q: Who tries to make himself more valuable at work with a gimmick? A: 22; Q: How old is Marshall? Summary: When Ted loses his job and decides to form his own architectural firm out of his apartment, he hires an intern to help get his company off the ground, but the intern gets too close for comfort with some of Ted's friends. Meanwhile, Marshall tries to make himself more valuable at work with a gimmick. [22] |
cene: The Cheesecake Factory
Sheldon: Alright, I'm moving my infantry division, augmented by a battalion of Orcs from Lord of the Rings, we flank the Tennessee Volunteers, and the North once again wins the Battle of Gettysburg.
Howard: Not so fast, remember the South still has two infantry divisions, plus Superman and Godzilla.
Leonard: No, no, no, no, Orcs are magic, Superman is vulnerable to magic, not to mention, you already lost Godzilla to the Illinois Cavalry and Hulk.
Raj: Why don't you just have Robert E. Lee charge the line with Shiva and Ganesh.
Penny: Hi, you guys ready to order?
Howard: Hang on, honey. Shiva and Ganesh? The Hindu Gods against the entire Union army?
Leonard: And Orcs!
Penny: I'll be back.
Raj: Excuse me, Ganesh is the remover of obstacles, and Shiva is the destroyer. When the smoke clears, Abraham Lincoln will be speaking Hindi and drinking mint juleps.
Penny: Alright, my boss says you either have to order, or leave and never come back.
Howard: What do you recommend for someone who worked up a man-sized appetite from a morning of weight training and cardio-funk?
Penny: A shower.
Howard: I'll take the heart smart platter.
Penny: Alright, thank you, and Sheldon.
Sheldon: We don't eat here, I don't know what's good.
Penny: Well, it's all good.
Sheldon: Statistically unlikely.
Leonard: Just get a hamburger, you like hamburgers.
Sheldon: I like the hamburgers where we usually have hamburgers, you can't make the assumption that I'll like the hamburgers here.
Leonard: I'm sorry. Give him a hamburger.
Penny: Uh, which one, the Classic Burger, the Ranch House Burger, the Barbecue Burger or the Kobe burger?
Sheldon: Can't we just go to Big Boy? They only have one burger. The Big Boy.
Penny: The Barbecue Burger is like the Big Boy.
Sheldon: Excuse me, in a world that already includes the Big Boy, why would I settle for something like a Big Boy?
Penny: Because you are not at Big Boy!
Sheldon: Fine, I'll have the Barbecue Burger.
Leonard: Make it two.
Sheldon: Waitresses don't yell at you at Big Boy.
Lesley (entering): Hey Leonard, hi guys.
Leonard: Hey Lesley.
Lesley: I didn't know you ate here.
Sheldon: We don't. This is a disturbing aberration.
Leonard: Lesley, this is Penny, she lives across the hall from Sheldon and me.
Howard: And walks in quiet beauty like the night.
Penny: Howard, I've asked you not to do that.
Leonard: Lesley and I do research together at the University.
Penny: Oh, wow, a girl scientist.
Lesley: Yep, come for the breasts, stay for the brains. So, I'm glad I ran into you, the physics department string quartet needs a new cellist.
Leonard: What happened to Elliot Wong?
Lesley: He switched over to high energy radiation research, had a little mishap, and now the other guys are uncomfortable sitting next to him. So, are you in?
Leonard: Yeah, sure, why not.
Lesley: Great, we rehearse on Tuesdays at your place.
Leonard: Why at my place?
Lesley: Yeah, the department of energy said our regular space is kind of a hot zone. Nice meeting you.
Penny: Yeah, you too. Leonard, I didn't know you played the cello?
Leonard: Yeah, my parents felt that naming me Leonard and putting me in advanced placement classes wasn't getting me beaten up enough.
Howard: If you're into music, I happen to be a human beatbox.
Penny: Really? (Howard performs some of the worst beatboxing imaginable.) I'm actually not that into music. So hey, your friend's really cute, anything going on with you two.
Leonard: Lesley? No, no-oh, what are you kidding?
Sheldon: He asked her out once, it was an embarrassing failure.
Leonard: Thank you Sheldon.
Sheldon: Oh, I'm sorry, was that supposed to be a secret?
Penny: Oh, that's too bad, you guys would make a cute couple.
Raj: Oh dear.
Howard: What's the matter?
Raj: She didn't take my order.
Howard: How can she take your order when you're too neurotic to talk to her.
Raj: Nevertheless, this will be reflected in her tip.
Scene: The stairwell of the apartment building.
Leonard: What did Penny mean, you'd make a cute couple?
Sheldon: Well I assume she meant that the two of you together would constitute a couple that others might consider cute. An alternate, and somewhat less likely interpretation, is that you could manufacture one. As in, oh look, Leonard and Lesley made Mr and Mrs Goldfarb, aren't they adorable.
Leonard: If Penny didn't know that Lesley had already turned me down then that would unambiguously mean that she, Penny, thought that I should her, Lesley, out, indicating that she, Penny, had no interest in me asking her, Penny, out. But because she did know that I had asked Lesley out and that she, Lesley, had turned me down then she, Penny, could be offering consolation. That's too bad, you would have made a cute couple. But while thinking, good, Leonard remains available.
Sheldon: You're a lucky man, Leonard.
Leonard: How so?
Sheldon: You're talking to one of the three men in the Western hemisphere capable of following that train of thought.
Leonard: Well, what do you think.
Sheldon: I said I could follow it, I didn't say I cared. Credit sequence.
Scene: The apartment living room. The string quartet are practising.
Lesley: I admire your fingering.
Leonard: Thank you.
Lesley: Maybe some time you can try that on my instrument. Time jump
Lesley: Goodnight guys, good job.
Male string quartettist: Thanks.
Female string quartettist: See you next week.
Leonard: That was fun, Lesley, thanks for including me.
Lesley: You're welcome. If you're up for it we could practise that middle section again.
Leonard: Uh, sure, why not.
Lesley: Just so we're clear, you understand that me hanging back to practise with you is a pretext for letting you know that I'm sexually available.
Leonard: Really?
Lesley: Yeah, I'm good to go.
Leonard: I thought you weren't interested in me.
Lesley: That was before I saw you handling that beautiful piece of wood between your legs.
Leonard: You mean my cello?
Lesley: No, I mean the obvious crude double entendre. I'm seducing you.
Leonard: No kidding?
Lesley: What can I say, I'm a passionate and impulsive woman. So how about it?
Leonard: Gee, uh...
Lesley: Is it the waitress?
Leonard: Penny? What about her?
Lesley: Well, I thought I saw your pupils dilate when you looked at her, which, unless you're a heroin addict, points to sexual attraction.
Leonard: Well, I did have a poppy seed bagel for breakfast, which could give a positive urine test for opiates but certainly not dilate my pupils, so I guess there's no point in bringing it up.
Lesley: You and the waitress then?
Leonard: No. No, there's nothing going on between Penny and me.
Lesley: So, you're open to a sexual relationship?
Leonard: Yeah. Yeah, I guess I am.
Lesley: Good.
Leonard: Yeah, yeah it is good. Did you want to start now?
Lesley: Why don't we finish the section first.
Leonard: Oh. Okay. A little musical foreplay. Terrific.
(They play, gradually going faster and faster.)
Leonard: I'm good, I'm good to go.
Lesley: Me too. (Exit in direction of bedrooms.)
Scene: The hallway, Sheldon scuttles out of apartment door and crosses to Penny's. Knocks on it urgently.
Penny (opening door): Oh, hey Sheldon, what's going on?
Sheldon: I need your opinion on a matter of semiotics.
Penny: I'm sorry?
Sheldon: Semiotics. The study of signs and symbols, it's a branch of philosophy related to linguistics.
Penny: Okay, sweetie, I know you think you're explaining yourself, but you're really not.
Sheldon: Just come with me.
Jump to the pair of them standing outside Leonard's bedroom door. Bryan Adams "Have You Ever Loved A Woman" is emerging. There is a tie on the bedroom door.
Sheldon: Well?
Penny: Well what?
Sheldon: What does it mean?
Penny: Oh, come on, you went to college.
Sheldon: Yes, but I was eleven.
Penny: Alright, look, a tie on the doorknob usually means someone doesn't want to be disturbed because they're, you know, getting busy.
Sheldon: So you're saying Leonard has a girl in there.
Penny: Well, either that or he's lost his tie rack and gotten really into Bryan Adams.
Lesley (voice off): Oh Leonard, you magnificent beast.
Penny: We really shouldn't be standing here.
Sheldon (entering living room): This is very awkward.
Penny: Oh, come on, you know, Leonard's had girls over before, right?
Sheldon: Oh, yes, but there's usually planning, courtship and advance notice. Last time I was able to book a cruise to the Arctic to see a solar eclipse.
Penny: Wait, you had to leave the state because your roommate was having s*x?
Sheldon: I didn't have to, the dates just happened to coincide.
Penny: So, do you know who's in there?
Sheldon: Well, there's Leonard. (Picking up violin case) And he's either with Lesley Winkle or a 1930's gangster.
Penny: Hmmm. Good for him. Good for Leonard. Okay, night.
Sheldon: No, no, wait, hold on.
Penny: What's the matter?
Sheldon: I don't know what the protocol is here. Do I stay, do I leave? Do I wait to greet them with a refreshing beverage?
Penny: Gee, Sheldon, you're asking the wrong girl. I'm usually on the other side of the tie.
(Sheldon looks lost for a moment. The pulls out his mobile phone and dials.)
Sheldon: Hi, Leonard. It's me, Sheldon. In the living room. I just, I wanted you to know I saw the tie. Message received. You're welcome. You carry on. Give my best to Lesley.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Scene: In Leonard's Bedroom. Leonard wakes up next to Lesley, puts on glasses and grins.
Scene: Living room, Sheldon is sleeping on the sofa, with his head on Lesley's Violin case.
Sheldon: Big boy! (Wakes up, looks at watch, wraps self in blanket, walks towards kitchen) Someone touched my board. Oh God, my board. Leonard! Leonard!
Leonard (entering): Hey, what's the matter?
Sheldon: My equations, someone's tampered with my equations.
Leonard: Are you sure?
Sheldon: Of course I'm sure. Look at the beta-function of quantum chrono-dynamics, the sign's been changed.
Leonard: Oh yeah. But doesn't that fix the problem you've been having?
Sheldon: Are you insane? Are you out of your mind? Are you.... hey look, that fixes the problem I've been having.
Lesley (entering): You're welcome.
Sheldon: You did this?
Lesley: Yeah, I noticed it when I got up to get a glass of water, so I fixed it, now you can show that quarks are asymptotically free at high energies. Pretty cool, huh?
Sheldon: Cool?
Lesley: Listen, I got to hit the lab. Thanks for a great night.
Leonard: Thank you, I'll see you at work.
Sheldon: Uh-duh, hold on, hold on!
Lesley: What?
Sheldon: Who told you you could touch my board?
Lesley: No-one.
Sheldon: I don't come into your house and touch your board.
Lesley: There are no incorrect equations on my board.
Sheldon: Oh, that is so... so...
Lesley: I'm sorry, I've got to run, if you come up with an adjective, text me. (Leaves).
Sheldon: Inconsiderate, that is the adjective, inconsiderate.
Scene: The hallway.
Leonard (exiting the apartment): You can stare at your board all day Sheldon, she's still going to be right.
Sheldon (inside): I'm not staring, I'm mulling.
Penny: Oh, hey Leonard.
Leonard: Oh, hi.
Penny: So, how's it going?
Leonard: Pretty good.
Penny: Just pretty good, I'd think you were doing very good.
Leonard: Pretty, very, there's really no objective scale for delineating variations of good, why do you ask?
Penny: Well, a little bird told me that you and Lesley hooked up last night.
Leonard: Sheldon!
Sheldon: I'm coming.
Penny: So, is it serious, do you like her?
Leonard: Wuh, I don't.... th-th-th-that's really two different questions, uh, I'm not.... Sheldon, we have to go!
Sheldon: Boy, you're wound awfully tight for a man who just had sexual intercourse.
Penny: Alright, well, I'll talk to you later, but, I am so happy for you Leonard.
Leonard: Thank you. What did she mean, she's happy for me? Is she happy because I'm seeing someone, or is she happy because she thinks that I'm happy, because anyone who cared for someone would want them to be happy, even if the reason for their happiness made the first person unhappy. You know, because the second person, though happy, is now romantically unavailable to the first person.
Sheldon: Do you realise I may have to share a Nobel Prize with your booty call?
Leonard: You know what, I'm being ridiculous. But who cares what Penny thinks, Lesley is a terrific girl, she's attractive, we like each other, she's extremely intelligent.
Sheldon: She's not that intelligent.
Leonard: She fixed your equation.
Sheldon: She got lucky.
Leonard: You don't believe in luck.
Sheldon: I don't have to believe in it for her to be lucky.
Leonard: Regardless, I have a chance at a real relationship with Lesley, I'm not going to pass that up for some hypothetical future happiness with a woman who may or may not want me to be happy with a woman who is currently making me happy.
Sheldon: Leonard?
Leonard: Yeah.
Sheldon: I still don't care.
Scene: Leonard and Lesley's lab.
Leonard: Hey, Lesley.
Lesley: Careful Leonard, liquid nitrogen, 320 degrees below zero.
Leonard: Brrrr. Why are you smashing a flash frozen banana.
Lesley: Because I've got a bowl of Cheerios and I couldn't find a knife.
Leonard: So anyway (puts arms around her) Hello.
Lesley: Uh, what are you doing?
Leonard: Just extending the intimacy. Do you want to slip over to the radiation lab and share a decontamination shower?
Lesley: Okay, uh, what exactly do you think's going on between us?
Leonard: I'm not sure, but I think I'm about to discover how the banana felt.
Lesley: Listen, Leonard, neither of us are neuroscientists but we both understand the biochemistry of s*x, I mean, dopamine in our brains is released across synapses causing pleasure. You stick electrodes in a rat's brain, give him an orgasm button, he'll push that thing until he starves to death.
Leonard: Who wouldn't?
Lesley: Well, the only difference between us and a rat is that you can't stick an electrode in our hypothalamus. That's where you come in.
Leonard: Yeah, well, I'm just glad to be a part of it. So what happens now?
Lesley: Well, I don't know about your s*x drive, but I'm probably good till New Years.
Leonard: Oh. Okay. Thank you.
Lesley: Thank you!
Leonard: You want to make plans for New Years.
Lesley: Woah, Leonard, please, you're smothering me.
Leonard (leaving): Sorry.
Howard: Hey, look, it's Doctor Stud!
Leonard: Doctor what?
Howard: The blogosphere is a-buzzing with news of you and Lesley Winkle making eine kleine bang-bang music.
Leonard: Wha... how did it get on the internet?
Howard: I put it there.
Leonard: Well, how did you know about it?
Raj: A little bird told us. Apparently you are a magnificent beast.
Leonard: Well, that part's true!
Scene: The Cheesecake Factory.
Sheldon: You know, I think I may have misjudged this restaurant.
Leonard: No kidding.
Sheldon: I won't go out on a limb, but I think we may be looking at my new Tuesday hamburger.
Leonard: Your old Tuesday hamburger will be so broken hearted.
Sheldon: Way ahead of you. I was thinking of moving Big Boy to Thursdays, and just dropping Soup Plantation.
Leonard: Really?
Sheldon: Yeah, the name always confused me anyway, Soup Plantation. You can't grow soup.
Penny: So, how's everything.
Sheldon: Terrific, you'll be happy to know that I plan to come here every Tuesday night for the foreseeable future.
Penny: Really, oh yay!
Sheldon: Who do I speak to about permanently reserving this table?
Penny: Um, I don't know, a psychiatrist? So hey, how are things with you and Lesley?
Leonard: Oh, to be honest, I don't think it's going to work out.
Penny: Oh, oh that's too bad. Well hey, don't worry, I'm sure there is someone out there who is just right for you. (Walks away smiling).
Leonard: Well what did she mean by that? Was that just a generic platitude or was that a subtle bid for attention?
Sheldon: You know why this hamburger surpasses the Big Boy? This is a single decker hamburger whereas the Big Boy is a double decker. This has a much more satisfying meat to bun to condiment ratio.
Leonard: Are you even listening to me?
Sheldon: Of course I'm listening. Blah blah, hopeless Penny delusion, blah blah blah.
Leonard: Okay then. You know, you can grow the ingredients for soup. (Sheldon nods). | Plan: A: The guys; Q: Who is eating at the Cheesecake Factory when Leslie Winkle approaches them? A: work; Q: Where did the cellist get irradiated? A: Leslie Winkle; Q: Who wants Leonard to play cello in her string quartet? A: the current cellist; Q: Who is Leonard uncomfortable playing with? A: the quartet practise; Q: What event in Leonard and Sheldon's apartment leads to Leslie seducing Leonard? A: Sheldon; Q: Who is uneasy about Leonard's relationship with Leslie? A: Penny's advice; Q: What does Sheldon ask for after Leslie seduces him? A: Penny later congratulates Leonard; Q: What does Penny do after Leonard and Leslie have a one night stand? A: a real relationship; Q: What does Leonard decide to pursue with Leslie? A: an imaginary one; Q: What relationship did Leonard pursue with Penny? A: her sex drive; Q: What did Leslie need Leonard to satisfy? A: New Year; Q: When does Leslie's sex drive end? Summary: The guys, eating at the Cheesecake Factory where Penny works, are approached by Leslie Winkle. She wants Leonard to play cello in her string quartet as the other players are uncomfortable near the current cellist who was possibly irradiated at work. After the quartet practise in Leonard and Sheldon's apartment, Leslie seduces Leonard for the night, making Sheldon so uneasy that he repeatedly asks Penny's advice. Penny later congratulates Leonard, who tries to figure out what she meant. Leonard decides to pursue a real relationship with Leslie rather than an imaginary one with Penny, but at her lab, Leslie makes it clear she is not interested in a relationship: she just needed him for a one-night stand to satisfy her sex drive - which is now satisfied until New Year. Leonard later tells Penny, who reassures him and walks away smiling. |
COHEN HOUSE
KIRSTEN: Nice job on the grill, Seth. Those swordfish look perfect.
SANDY: Wow, the student becomes a master. There's a new king of the B-B-Q. I cede you my oven mitts.
SETH: And here I thought I was destined to live in your shadow. See, buddy? No need to become a fisherman after all.
RYAN: Yeah, that was a bad idea.
SETH: We all have our moments.
RYAN: You mean like you lying to Summer and breaking up with her to cover it up?
SETH: No, actually, I think that was a great idea.
RYAN: Yeah, 'cause what was your other option: telling her the truth?
SETH: Exactly.
RYAN: Yeah.
SANDY: What are you guys talking about?
SETH: Nothing.
RYAN: Nothing.
KIRSTEN: Ryan, I don't know if you saw, but your graduation tickets came.
SANDY: Aisle seats. Nice! Although you'd think after sending two kids to Harbor, they could cough up more than two tickets per student.
KIRSTEN: He's just worried about the Nana.
SETH: Well, she is an excellent clapper.
SANDY: She can do the two-finger whistle.
KIRSTEN: She's never taken a picture out of focus.
SANDY: The woman was born for graduations.
RYAN: Well, let her take my tickets. I mean, Seth's got you guys covered. I'd hate to see mine go to waste.
KIRSTEN: Why don't you invite someone from your family? Your mom would love it.
RYAN: I'm going to go wash up.
SETH: Sink's right here, uh...
SANDY: I don't think it's such a good idea, honey. I tried this already.
KIRSTEN: She signed up for AA. She's starting her life again.
SANDY: Yeah, after writing bad checks and getting arrested and disappearing.
SANDY: She doesn't have the greatest track record.
SETH: I think I'm going to wash up, too.
KIRSTEN: It's important to him.
SANDY: I just don't want to see him get hurt again.
KIRSTEN:It's his decision.
SANDY: Well, he's still a kid.
KIRSTEN: Right. Because when we get older, we make much better decisions.
POOLHOUSE
KIRSTEN: I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to...
RYAN: No, it's fine, it's fine. It's something I've been thinking about for a long time. I haven't seen her in so long. If I don't invite her to graduation, will I ever see her again?
KIRSTEN: Look, I know the last time she was here, it was difficult.
RYAN: When Sandy saw her, how was she?
KIRSTEN: Honestly, not good, but she's trying. Maybe seeing you again will be just the thing for both of you.
RYAN: What if she's worse?
KIRSTEN: There's only one way to find out... and if you want me to fly to Albuquerque with you...
RYAN: If I do this, I need to do it alone. But you're right. You're right. She's my mom. I owe her a chance. How bad can it be, right?
KIRSTEN: Right.
GENERIC
MARISSA'S ROOM
KEVIN: Hola, senorita.
MARISSA: What are you doing in here?
KEVIN: I just got back from my little trip down Mexico way. I bribed your maid with a little bit of local speak.
MARISSA: Oh, really? 'Cause Mima's from the Philippines.
KEVIN: Must have said something right. Hope you weren't too lonely without me.
MARISSA: I survived. Okay. W-We can't do this, okay?
KEVIN: What are you talking about? I go away for a few days, and you get over me?
MARISSA: No, it's not that. It's just...
JULIE: Her mother might find out. You know, I told Neil this house had rats.
KEVIN: How you doing? It's nice to meet you.
JULIE: Keep that grimy paw away from me, unless you want to see what ten years of cardio bar can do to your face.
KEVIN: I was just leaving anyways. Yeah, I think your daughter's over me.
JULIE: I guess I was just a phase.
MARISSA: Spare me the lecture.
JULIE: Oh, no lecture. I get it. He's cool, he's got great abs... and personifies everything that's bad for you, Marissa.
MARISSA: Oh, so you want to sleep with him instead?
JULIE: Marissa, the choices you make now are going to affect your future.
MARISSA: He's not that bad. Look, you were wrong about Ryan. Maybe you're wrong about him.
JULIE: Well, we're not going to test that theory, because I'm not going to allow it.
POOLHOUSE
KIRSTEN: I went completely overboard and made you a ridiculously gigantic sandwich for the flight.
RYAN: Thanks. Looking forward to it.
KIRSTEN: And I booked you a car service to go anywhere and everywhere.
RYAN: No, that's all right. I can take a cab.
KIRSTEN: Just humor me. I worry enough.
RYAN: All right. Actually, I'm a little worried, too. I, uh... I didn't get a lot of sleep last night.
KIRSTEN: Do you have a game plan when you get there?
RYAN: Yeah... I guess. Uh, she mentioned in her birthday card some diner she's working at. I figure I show up and... say hi and wait for the fireworks.
KIRSTEN: Well, whatever happens, you have at least one proud mother watching you when you graduate.
RYAN: Yeah, thanks.
HARBOR
TAYLOR: Hey, Sum. If it makes you feel any better, I just saw Seth, and he looks as miserable as you do.
SUMMER: The only thing that would make me feel better would be seeing that assless, gutless wuss skinned, flayed and served as assless, gutless wuss tartare.
TAYLOR: Oh, well, that's very descriptive, Summer.
SUMMER: All right, look, T. to the T., I know you're all up with life, down with God, and you have a very positive, optimistic view on the world, but I ain't having it.
TAYLOR: Summer, I'm not trying to offer you anything other than my friendship... but you know, I mean, if you want to be alone, that's totally okay with me, too.
SUMMER: How could he lead me on and agree that we should plan our futures around being together and then just decide, "Oh, you know what? Yeah, maybe we shouldn't. We're not destined for each other." That I should just go ship off to Rhode Island all alone. I'm literally going to be deserted on an island.
TAYLOR: Well, technically, Rhode Island is only bordered on three sides by water, so... It was an awful thing to do.
SUMMER: And to think... just two years ago, he stood up on that very coffee cart and declared his love for me.
TAYLOR: That was so sweet. You didn't see me, but I was there... and I remember that geek was totally in love with you.
SUMMER: And I have only gotten hotter since then. Something is up. A guy like Cohen is physically incapable of walking away from a girl like me, unless he is hiding something. And no one hides anything from me. I'm going to get to the bottom of this, and no one is going to stop me. Thank you so much for a pep talk.
CLUB
MATT: Another Star and ginger.
SANDY: Why don't you get it in a to-go cup?
MATT: What's the matter, Sandman?
SANDY: You're not happy to see me?
MATT: You don't know when to quit, do you?
SANDY: What's this?
MATT: A projection of what my future earnings with the Newport Group would have been, plus pain and suffering, which were considerable.
SANDY: You want me to pay you?
MATT: Actually, Griffin. He's the one I've got the evidence on. Otherwise, I think the D.A. would be very interested in the documents I've got.
SANDY: You're talking blackmail; it's not even noon yet.
MATT: Tell your boy Griffin to pay up in cash tomorrow, or I start spreading the news. Put it on his tab.
SANDY: You're getting yourself in pretty deep here, Matt.
MATT: No deeper than you.
KEVIN'S PLACE
KEVIN: Yo! Did you forget your watch again?
MARISSA: No, I came to see you.
KEVIN: Look, I get it. Your mom doesn't like me. I'm a bad influence. Blah, blah. See you around.
MARISSA: Actually, I was thinking maybe you'd want to hang out.
KEVIN: What about school?
MARISSA: Second semester, senior year. Unless you don't want to.
KEVIN: Well, if you're going to stay, then stay.
RESTAURANT
CHLOE: Wherever you want. Place is all yours.
RYAN: Uh, actually, I'm looking for someone-- uh, Dawn Atwood?
CHLOE: Her shift doesn't start for a couple hours. Who should I say is looking for her?
RYAN: A friend. Um, I'm staying at La Crescenta, I think.
CHLOE: Nice hotel. Dawn doesn't really have any friends that stay at nice hotels.
RYAN: I got a good rate.
CHLOE: She does, however, have a son. Lives with some pretty wealthy people. Supposed to be cute.
RYAN: Ryan.
CHLOE: Chloe. Your mom is going to lose it when she finds out you're here.
RYAN: I hope not. Uh, couple hours, you said ? Great. Uh, I'll be back.
CHLOE: I'll be here.
RYAN: Okay.
HARBOR
TEACHER: All right, let's review factoring a polynomial. This is good stuff, you guys. All right, what we have is an expression in which constants and variables are combined using only addition, subtraction and multiplication.
SUMMER: Seth, you are so funny! I'm sorry, that was just such a knee slapper.
TEACHER: Is there a problem, Miss Roberts?
SUMMER: No, no. Um, well, not unless you're insulted by Seth's impersonation of you behind your back, involving penguin-walking buck teeth and crossed eyes.
TEACHER: You do an impression of me, Mr. Cohen?
SETH: Uh, no, no. I... don't do any impressions.
TEACHER: I don't, um, use props. I don't like jokes in general. Well, why don't you work on some one-liners in Dr. Kim's office, and why don't you join him? Since you're such a receptive audience. Should be a hilarious weekend detention.
[SCENE_BREAK]
SETH: What is your deal, woman? I've never been thrown out of a class in my whole life.
SUMMER: Okay, sorry to tarnish your perfect record, Cohen, but how else was I going to talk to you? The breakup is off. That's right. I broke up with you, and technically, it's in my power to technically un-break us up.
SETH: You can do that?
SUMMER: Technically, I just did. So unless you can explain to my satisfaction what your deal is and why you suddenly don't want to be together next year, we're back on. Yeah, technically, officially, completely.
SETH: Okay, now...
SUMMER: Wait, here we are: Dr. Kim's office. You know what? I'll go first. You just plead temporary insanity. It's good to have you back, babe.
RESTAURANT
CHLOE: You're not coming in?
RYAN: I don't think so.
CHLOE: Do you want to go somewhere? To talk or something?
RYAN: Sounds good.
KEVIN'S PLACE
KEVIN: Hold that position. It's, uh... it's probably my supply drop. I'm having some people over tomorrow.
JULIE: Marissa!
MARISSA: Oh, my God, it's my mom.
KEVIN: I'll handle it.
MARISSA: Good, 'cause I'm going to hide.
JULIE: Where's my daughter? Is she in here?
KEVIN: And I thought you were my dealer. Kind of disappointed.
JULIE: Don't get smart with me; you don't have the equipment. Her school called. She didn't show up today.
KEVIN: She already got into college.
JULIE: Listen up, Tommy Lee, you're just the latest in a series of experiments my daughter likes to make when acting out, so enjoy it, because right here, right now is as good as it gets for you. Soon, Marissa's going to wake up and realize she is so much better than you and your life.
KEVIN: And you think she's going to come running back to you?
JULIE: Marissa knows that I will be there for her whenever she decides to come home, because I am her family and not some punk with a smirk, three brain cells and a good coke connection. You tell her that.
MARISSA: That's my mom.
KEVIN: I'm going to get some beer.
BAR
RYAN: Best not to tell my mom about the beer.
CHLOE: Also not going to tell these guys you're under 21.
RYAN: Good idea.
CHLOE: Cheers. You traveled pretty far to avoid her.
RYAN: Yeah, well, I'm working up to it. I don't know how much you know, but my mom and I haven't always had the easiest relationship.
CHLOE: Knowing Dawn a little, I figured, but if it makes you feel better, she's doing well.
RYAN: Yeah, I saw that. She seemed happy. There was a tattooed guy that made me a little nervous.
CHLOE: Oh, that's just Ron, her new boyfriend.
RYAN: That's what I was afraid of.
CHLOE: He looks hard-core, and yeah, he does own a rather large snake, but he's got a good heart.
RYAN: Yeah. They all do at first.
CHLOE: I love this song. Do you want to?
RYAN: Um...
CHLOE: Come on.
RYAN: I don't really... dance so much. I, uh... This is not what I expected.
CHLOE: Yeah? Well, maybe it's what you need.
NEWPORT GROUP
GRIFFIN: Well, you've got a way with people. Urban planning committee has signed off.
SANDY: What can I say? I'm very charming. Close the door.
GRIFFIN: Your message was rather cryptic. Do we have a problem?
SANDY: Matt's not giving up, and since you had nothing to do with the ass-kicking he took, the news shouldn't get your blood up.
GRIFFIN: What does he want?
SANDY: Money... in exchange for the incriminating files, which you claim couldn't possibly be incriminating. You know what-- I'm going to let the cops deal with the whole thing.
GRIFFIN: And destroy all your hopes and dreams? Watch all of this disappear? We have done such good work so far. I'll deal with Ramsey, explain to him the importance of this hospital.
SANDY: No. I'm making Matt my problem.
GRIFFIN: Well, then, good luck... for both of you.
HOTEL
CHLOE: Definitely not going to say anything to your mom about this.
RYAN: Yeah, good plan.
CHLOE: Oh, so that's why you came looking for her. Invite her to graduation?
RYAN: Yeah, something like that.
CHLOE: Oh, your mom and Ron should blend right in at your private school. You've got to send me a photo. Thanks for the company.
COHEN HOUSE
RYAN: Hello.
SETH: Hey, man. How's Albuquerque?
RYAN: Well, I did just hook up with a waitress.
SETH: Oh, that would never happen to me, you stallion. Y tu madre?
RYAN: Uh, doesn't know I'm here. Actually, I'm thinking about taking an earlier flight back.
SETH: You can't just fly all the way to New Mexico and not even say hi to your mom.
RYAN: Yeah? You really want to meet her trucker boyfriend and his python at graduation?
SETH: So don't invite anybody to anything. Just do a quick pop in, say hello. What's the worst that can happen?
RYAN: Not a question I want answered.
SETH: Just be a man. Someone around here ought to.
RYAN: You still lying to everyone about everything?
SETH: I'm trying to speak as little as possible. The less I say, the fewer lies I have to track, but Summer wants answers. I'm telling you, though, if I tell her the truth, she'll throw away her future over me.
RYAN: Yeah, well, sounds like we both have women to face.
SETH: Each who suffers blackouts of their own kind.
RYAN: Well, good luck.
SETH: You, too.
RESTAURANT
DAWN: My baby!
RYAN: Hi.
SUMMER'S ROOM
SUMMER: What are we doing tonight? Since we're dating again, we should go on a date.
SETH: Except, uh, since you un-broke up with me, it sort of put the ball back in my court... and... now I break up with you, which means only I have the power to un-break us up.
SUMMER: You're breaking up with me?
SETH: Yes. I'm sorry. I really am, but I feel it's for the best.
SUMMER: What? I... I only un-broke up with you so that I could find out why you were breaking up with me in the first place.
SETH: Well, I guess now you'll never know.
RESTAURANT
DAWN: You look so good, sweetie.
RYAN: So do you, Mom.
DAWN: When Chloe told me you were in town, I couldn't believe it.
RYAN: Oh, she told you I was here?
DAWN: And my answer's yes, Ry. 100 percent. I wouldn't miss your graduation for anything.
RYAN: Yeah? She told you about the graduation, too?
DAWN: Sh-She just called.
NICK: Let's go, Dawn. Food's getting cold.
DAWN: Yeah, I hear you, Nick. Hey, Nick, that's my baby.
NICK: This is my meat loaf. Get it out there.
RYAN: Hey, you know what? You're busy. Let's talk tomorrow.
DAWN: You bet. It's so good to see you.
RYAN: It's good to see you, too.
DAWN: Thanks for asking me, Ry.
KEVIN'S PLACE
KEVIN: Dude, are you still sleeping? Hmm?
MARISSA: The party's starting a little early.
KEVIN: Are you going to call your mom? Nah.
HEATHER: So, the princess fell off her throne and landed on Volchok's mattress.
MARISSA: Hey, Heather, it's good to see you, too.
HEATHER: Who said it was good to see you?
HOTEL
CHLOE: You know, the dress you wore to, uh, PJ's going-away party was pretty cute.
DAWN: Mm, kind of plain, don't you think? You should see the way the women dress in Newport. Like in the magazines.
CHLOE: You should treat yourself.
NICK: Chloe, you've got a customer. Dawn, your boy's here.
[SCENE_BREAK]
DAWN: Morning, hon.
RYAN: Morning.
CHLOE: I'll get some coffee.
DAWWN: Chloe here's been trying to talk me into a new dress for the big day.
RYAN: You don't have to buy anything, Mom.
DAWN: Oh, no, I-I want it to be perfect, you know? And I was thinking, after the ceremony, I'd like to take everyone to dinner. You know? I mean, nothing fancy if I'm footing the bill, but...
RYAN: Uh, hang on.
DAWN: Hey, baby. Staying out of trouble? No, I was sorry you had to go on the road last night. I really want Ryan to meet you. Yeah, no, I checked on the flights to Orange County, and... um, hang on a second. It's okay if I bring a friend, right?
RYAN: Yeah, yeah, sure.
DAWN: Uh, let me get my calendar.
CHLOE: She on cloud nine or what?
RYAN: She's very excited.
CHLOE: Sorry I ruined your surprise. I mentioned I ran into you, and it just kind of slipped out. You were going to invite her, right?
RYAN: Yeah, totally.
CHLOE: Okay.
SUMMER'S ROOM
SUMMER: No way. No scheming, no plan Bs, no wacky hijinks. Cohen broke up with me. Only he has the power to un-break us up. There's no way I'm going to go groveling back to him like some pathetic, brokenhearted little bitch.
TAYLOR: Do you still love him?
SUMMER: Yeah. There's something wrong with me, huh?
TAYLOR: Did he say that he doesn't love you?
SUMMER: Now that you mention it, no, he did not.
TAYLOR: You see? He's acting out of fear. He's trapped in an anxiety spiral, and in the Rock, Paper, Scissors of romance, love trumps fear. Actually, love trumps everything.
SUMMER: So, let's just say, for conversation's sake, I was open to a little scheming.
TAYLOR: Well... I have an idea.
SETH'S ROOM
SETH: You didn't get into Brown, too, did you? Hey, Taylor, what's up?
TAYLOR: Listen, I just wanted to let you know that detention today is being held in the student lounge.
SETH: And you're telling me this because...?
TAYLOR: Because it's my job as a Harbor Student Proctor. I'm supervising detention this week.
SETH: How is that any better than having actual detention?
TAYLOR: Seth, student lounge. And don't be late, or I will have to give you a tardy.
COHEN HOUSE
SANDY: Hey, honey.
KIRSTEN: You left early this morning, without saying good-bye.
SANDY: Well, I didn't want to wake you.
KIRSTEN: And last night when you came in?
SANDY: It was late.
KIRSTEN: I need you home tonight, Sandy. We have to talk. I just feel like we're so disconnected right now.
SANDY: You're right. Well, I think I can be home by... by 7:00.
KIRSTEN: Thanks. I'll see you then.
SANDY: I'll see you.
RESTAURANT
MATT: You buying again?
SANDY: Oh, you should stop celebrating and start packing. I spoke to Griffin. He's not interested in your deal.
MATT: That's not what he said.
SANDY: You called him?
MATT: He called me, actually. He said that you two talked. He understands what he has to do, and he's willing to do it, too.
SANDY: And the only thing he's willing to do is go round two on your skull.
MATT: He's meeting me tonight with the money. If I give him what he wants, this time next week, I'll be on a beach in Cabo, getting some well-earned R&R. I'm going to start my own business in Chicago.
SANDY: He can't be trusted, Matt. If anybody should know that, you should.
MATT:I hold all the cards here.
SANDY: You willing to bet on that?
KEVIN'S PLACE
BOY: Yeah, Heather, come on, baby.
MARISSA: She's having fun.
KEVIN: More than you.
MARISSA: Yeah, well, I'm not wasted.
KEVIN: That's not bad.
BOY: Yeah! Heather, you need another beer. Hey, let me get you a refill, baby. Hey, Heather. Drink it, baby. Drink it up. There you go. Come on, little bit more. Oh, yeah, I like that. I like that a lot.
HARBOR
SUMMER: Hey. Got ten bucks?
SETH: What are you doing?
SUMMER: I know you're afraid, Cohen.
SETH: Yeah, that you're going to fall... Don't go up there.
SUMMER: Your breakup was missing a key ingredient. The only ingredient, really.
SETH: Which is?
SUMMER: That you don't love me anymore.
SETH: Summer...
SUMMER: Look... I love you this much, and I want to be with you now, and next year, and whatever comes after that. So I'm asking, in the presence of this coffee cart and the sacred moment that it represents... if you can honestly tell me that you don't love me anymore.
SETH: Summer...
SUMMER: Just say it. Cohen, if you don't love me, I promise I will go to Brown by myself, and I will be cold and miserable and alone. I will never bother you again.
SETH: I don't love you anymore.
SUMMER: Oh, my God.
SETH: Summer...
SUMMER: Just get away from me, okay? Just get out of here, Cohen!
TAYLOR: I'm so sorry...
SUMMER: I've got to go to detention.
KEVIN'S PLACE
HEATHER: Where are we going?
BOY: Don't worry about it.
MARISSA: Hey, Heather. Hey. I'm glad I found you guys. Um, I left my jacket in the van. Volchok said you had the keys.
BOY: It's not that cold.
MARISSA: Yeah, true, but it's my favorite jacket, so... Hey, get off of me. Heather!
BOY: Shut up, bitch!
MARISSA: Heather!
BOY: Dude, wait your turn!
MARISSA: Oh, my God! Get off of her!
BOY: What the hell?!
MARISSA: Get off of her! Oh, God! Get out!
BOY: Guys! Come on, dude. Hey, it's cool, we were just having a little fun.
HOTEL
RYAN: Yeah! One sec. Hey, Mom. I was going to go look for you at the diner.
CHLOE: Well, she wouldn't have been there, because the girls have gone on a serious shopping spree.
RYAN: Okay.
DAWN: I know this isn't like what Kirsten wears... It's kind of low-cut, a little sparkly, but it's a special occasion.
CHLOE: You've got to see it on her. Go put it on.
DAWN: Okay.
RYAN: Uh, you know what? I, uh, I don't have the time right now. Yeah, yeah, I, uh, I got an earlier flight. Mom, um... I was talking to Seth, and, you know, graduation is just a ceremony. I mean, everybody in those funny hats, a bunch of boring speeches...
DAWN: Well, it wouldn't be boring to me.
RYAN: Yeah. We were thinking about just blowing it off, you know, getting out of town that weekend.
DAWN: Uh, out of... out of town?
RYAN: Yeah, but, you know, I mean, you could... come in later in the summer and visit me, or I could come up here...
DAWN: But, um... no graduation?
RYAN: No. No, I guess not.
DAWN: You know, you don't have to lie to me, Ryan, and you don't have to worry about me embarrassing you at your graduation.
RYAN: Mom...
DAWN: You know what? I may not have been the best mother of the world, but I have never been ashamed of my family.
[SCENE_BREAK]
RYAN: Look, you don't know her the way I do, okay?
CHLOE: I never said I did.
RYAN: It's been the same thing my whole life. She gets clean for a little while, promises she's changed, and then she meets some lowlife, he moves in with her, she bottoms out.
CHLOE: How many of these lowlifes did she meet in rehab? Hasn't had a drink in 12 years, pays for their apartment, even fixed up one of his old cars for her.
RYAN: Yeah, well, I didn't know that.
CHLOE: Didn't want to. Maybe you already made up your mind about him, and about your mom, too.
RYAN: I've got to get to the airport. The car's waiting.
CHLOE: I'll drive you. After all the trouble I've caused, it's the least I can do. And there's a stop I want to make on the way.
COHEN HOUSE
PHONE: Hi, this is Sandy Cohen. I can't get to the phone right now, so...
PARKING
MATT: I see you brought your nurse.
GRIFFIN: And your money.
MATT: The files are in the back seat of my car. The door's unlocked. You're not gonna send your guy to get them?
GRIFFIN: Well, he's not here for the files, Matt.
SANDY: Just as well, since there are no files. The only evidence Matt has is of his own bad judgment.
GRIFFIN: You expect me to believe this is all a bluff?
SANDY: Go check the car yourself. After we spoke, I had your hard drive searched, checked your emails. You never had any evidence. Whatever you think Griffin was up to was based purely on gossip and hearsay.
MATT: Yeah, well, I figured if he was guilty, he'd pay up, just to be safe.
GRIFFIN: Wasting my time, Ramsey.
SANDY: Yeah, think about all the sick people you could be healing.
MATT: What's this?
SANDY: Your severance. It might not buy you that beach in Cabo, but it'll get you on your feet in Chicago.
MATT: I can't take this, not after...
SANDY: I put you on this path, Matt. Take it and go.
MATT: Sandy? I'm sorry.
SANDU: Me, too.
COHEN HOUSE
SETH: Hey, Mom.
KIRSTEN: Hey. Where have you been? It's late.
SETH: Uh, Full Metal Yaku is on, and 99 Cycling Swords.
KIRSTEN: Those are movies?
SETH: I thought a few hours of mindless bloodshed and violence might help kill the pain.
KIRSTEN: You want to talk?
SETH: I was going to actually ask you if you've seen Ryan.
KIRSTEN: Not yet.
SETH: Okay.
KIRSTEN: Everything okay?
SETH: Yeah, everything's okay.
KIRSTEN: Okay.
SETH: Good night.
KIRSTEN: Night.
RESTAURANT
CHLOE: Before you leave, I just want you to know something. You're her whole life, Ryan.
DAWN: Uh... Kirsten sent that stuff. She's a real nice lady. Don't worry; my eyes are red from crying, not from drinking.
CHLOE: I'll be out there.
RYAN: I'm sorry.
DAWN: You know, when Sandy came to invite me to your birthday party, I-I really wanted to go.
RYAN: But you didn't.
DAWN: I wasn't ready.
RYAN: I guess I know the feeling.
DAWN: But I've been showing up at my meetings, and showing up for work, and... finally picked a decent guy. You probably don't understand how hard it is to hold it together every day.
RYAN: I don't know about that. I may live in Newport, but, uh... I'm still your kid, after all.
DAWN: So I'm still your mom.
RYAN: Yeah.
DAWN: If there's a little bit of me in you, then I can't be all bad, right? Promise me you'll remember that.
RYAN: I promise.
[SCENE_BREAK]
CHLOE: So, I'm sorry...
RYAN: It's okay. Your little family intervention seems to have worked.
CHLOE: Oh. Then I'm not sorry...for anything that may have happened.
RYAN: Me, either. And, uh... But my ride's here. I have a flight to catch.
CHLOE: Well, if everything works out at graduation, maybe we'll see some more of you.
RYAN: All right, yeah. Sounds good.
CHLOE: Okay.
ROBERTS HOUSE
MARISSA: Mom?
JULIE: Marissa, honey.
SUMMER'S ROOM
TAYLOR: You want me to whip up another round of frappuccinos? They say chocolate and sugar send endorphins to your brain. Come on, tell me you feel better.
SUMMER: He doesn't love me.
POOLHOUSE
SETH: Welcome back, buddy. How was your mom?
RYAN: Coming to graduation. You really waiting here to ask about my mom?
SETH: I think I made the worst mistake of my entire life. Now I need to get Summer back, and I have to get into Brown.
RYAN: Great. How?
SETH: That's where you come in.
RYAN: We need a plan?
SETH: It's going to be a long night, Ryan. A lot of whining, a lot of pining. Maybe some brainstorming. You don't mind?
RYAN: It's good to be home. All right, how are we going to get you Summer back?
SETH: Plan A.
RYAN: Yeah.
SETH: I fake my own death. You never want to underestimate the power of the sympathy vote.
RYAN: Is there a plan B?
SETH: Yeah, yeah, uh, I could hack in... through the Brown firewall into the, uh, Admissions Office mainframe and reverse my acceptance.
RYAN: Wow, that's actually a good idea. You know how to do that?
SETH: I had an uncle who went to Devry. | Plan: A: hesitates; Q: What does Ryan do when he leaves Newport to invite Dawn to graduation? A: Summer; Q: What character is trying to find out what Seth is hiding? A: Taylor; Q: What other person is trying to find out what Seth is hiding? A: Julie confronts Volchok; Q: What happens when Julie finds out about Volchok's relationship with Marissa? A: the Newport Group; Q: Sandy begins to pay more attention to what group than his home life? Summary: Ryan leaves Newport to invite Dawn to graduation, but hesitates. Summer and Taylor try to discover what Seth is hiding from them. Julie confronts Volchok about his relationship with Marissa. Meanwhile, Sandy begins to pay more attention to the Newport Group than his home life. |
Act One.
Scene One - Café Nervosa. Frasier enters the café to find Roz at one of the front tables surfing the net on a laptop. Frasier sits with her.
Frasier: Hello, Roz.
Roz: Hey.
Frasier: Oh, what are you up to?
Roz: Oh, they put in phone jacks so you can go on-line. I was just talking to this guy who sounds really great. [Frasier sighs as if the idea is absurd] What? I'm a very busy person, how else am I going to meet people?
Frasier: It just seems so impersonal, Roz. God, what ever happened to human contact? Engaging people, face to face, eye to eye.
Roz: [points out Martin at counter] There's your dad.
Frasier: Don't let him see me! [turns away as Martin crosses to the table]
Roz: Hey, Marty.
Martin: Hey, Roz.
Roz: Hey.
Martin: What you been up to?
Roz: Oh, just surfing the net.
Frasier: Hi, Dad.
Martin: [ignoring his son] You know, I never got into that net stuff.
Roz: Really? You really ought to give it a try. It's a great way to stay in touch with your friends and your family.
Martin: Family? Gosh, you know, that's nice to know that some people still care about their family.
Frasier: Dad, please!
Martin: Well, I gotta go. I'm going night-fishing with Duke - and Eddie, of course! I wouldn't leave Eddie, you don't turn your back on your family!
Martin exits the café.
Roz: What is that all about?
Frasier: Oh, our Cousin Dodie's wedding was last week. Oh, excuse me, Cousin Dodie's "weddin'!" A western theme. On the response card it asked for our chili preference: mild or "kick ass!" Anyway, Niles and I told her that we had a conference to attend at the Therapist's Guild.
Roz: There is no Therapist's Guild, is there?
Frasier: No. Dad found us out.
Roz: Wait! Didn't you have a Therapist Guild conference on Alice's last birthday?
Frasier: [changing the subject] The point is, it struck a nerve with Dad! [then] I'm sorry, Roz, it's just that he thinks we're ashamed of his family, it's been an issue with him for years, and now he hasn't spoken to me for days. Thank God, I don't have to deal with this tonight. I've already ear-marked a fine bottle of Chateau Beychevelle.
Roz: Oh, hot date?
Frasier: No, Niles is coming over to watch "The Antiques Roadshow" with me.
Roz: [mocking] I guess you'll be coming in late, tomorrow!
Frasier: It's our favorite show, Roz.
Roz: Party!
Frasier: All right, that's enough.
Roz: Whoo!
Roz carries on mocking Frasier as the picture FADES TO BLACK.
Scene Two - Frasier's Apartment. The lift doors open outside Frasier's apartment. Niles and Frasier step off of and cross to the door. They are carry wine and nibbles.
Frasier: I think the roadshow is from Harrisburg, Pennsylvania tonight. Amish country!
Niles: Ooh, quilts!
They enter the apartment.
Frasier: I'll cork the wine, Niles, you set up the cheese cakes.
However they are startled when Martin enters from the kitchen with some nachos and a can of beer.
Frasier/Niles: Dad!
Frasier: I thought you were going night fishing with Duke?
Martin doesn't reply as he nestles in his chair with the remote.
Frasier: Oh, for God's sakes, you can't keep this up forever, Dad. [no response] Well, all right, fine. I hope you don't mind, but Niles and I are planning on watching a television show.
Martin: Oh, really? Well, I'm surprised you don't have a conference to go to!
Frasier: Dad, we said we were sorry about Dodie's wedding.
Niles: Yes, and we did send her a baby gift.
Martin: Well, Duke cancelled out on me. You can have the TV in an hour. I just want to watch my game show.
Frasier: Oh please, not a game show?
Martin: Hey, I happen to like it, all right? People bring in all their junk from the attics and these experts tell them what it's worth.
The brothers realize that this summary is very similar to the show they are about to watch.
Frasier: Are you talking about "The Antiques Roadshow?"
Martin: Yeah.
Frasier: Well, that's the program Niles and I are going to watch!
Martin gives a look of disbelief, so do the brothers.
Niles: I'll just check outside and see if the world has ended.
Niles enters the kitchen to set up the cheese cakes as Frasier heads to the couch opening the wine.
Martin: Well, if you want to watch it, no one's stopping you.
Frasier: Well, wonderful. [laughs]
Martin turns on "The Antiques Roadshow."
Presenter: [v.o.] And you have no idea what this writing desk might be worth?
Woman: [v.o.] No, my husband bought it at a garage sale.
Frasier: That's a lovely piece. I'd say it's Sheridan.
Presenter: At auction, this would bring in more than eight thousand dollars.
Martin: Whoa-ho-ho! Ca-ching!
Niles enters with the cheese.
Woman: What about this chair? Is it an original too?
Niles: It certainly looks it.
Martin: Ah, no, they always do this. Set 'em up on the first one and then lower the boom on the second one.
Niles: I think that carving looks authentic.
Frasier: So does the inlay.
Martin: No, no, no!
Presenter: I'm sorry to say this chair is a reproduction, worth at best one hundred and fifty dollars.
Woman: Oh, what a shame.
Martin smiles at the disbelieving boys.
Martin: Keep watching, boys. You'll get the hang of it.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Scene Three - Frasier's Apartment - Later. The three Crane men are getting very friendly at last. Niles is sat on the floor with a wine glass in his hand. Frasier's sat on the coffee table with a wine glass. Martin is in his chair with a can of beer. "The Antiques Roadshow" is still running.
Presenter: [v.o.] But the real clue here is the veneer.
The Crane men, playing their drinking game, all shout out "veneer!" and take a swig of their drinks.
Presenter: And now for some background information on the beautiful city of Harrisburg.
Martin: Mute!
Frasier and Niles laugh as Martin turns the sound off. Daphne enters with a green box.
Daphne: Evening, all. [they greet her] Wow! I don't see the three of you watching the same show very often. What's going on? Pavarotti jumping the Grand Canyon?
Martin: It's "The Antiques Roadshow." What you got in the box?
Daphne: Oh, it's Donny's mother's wedding gown. He wants me to wear it at the wedding. What if I don't like it?
Frasier: Daphne, if you want to try it on, we'll be glad to have a look.
Martin: Just go put it on.
Daphne exits with the box to her room.
Frasier: Dad, Dad, turn it up. [he does]
Sara Briggs: But the real masterwork is the unique art deco headboard. It features a variety of veneers.
They all shout out "veneer!" and sip.
Sara Briggs: Mahogany veneer... Once again.
Sara Briggs: Burled walnut veneer... Yet again they swallow another swig.
Sara Briggs: And zebra wood veneer. For the final time they take one last drink.
Sara Briggs: And now back to our...
Frasier: [recovering] Oh God... next week we gotta pick a different word. Need another bottle of wine, Niles.
Martin: Yeah, me too, I love these educational shows.
Frasier enters the kitchen with the old bottle of wine as Niles also brings in Martin's old beer cans. Frasier gets a new bottle as Niles gets another beer from the fridge for his father.
Frasier: You know, I can't get over Dad. It seems this little rift between us has been mended.
Niles: Can you believe he used the word "craftsman," and he meant the architectural style, and not the rotary sander?
Frasier: You know, that's uncanny.
Niles: Well, you heard him.
Frasier: No, not that, you just said "rotary sander."
They go back into the living room.
Frasier: Dad, did we miss anything?
Martin: Nah, just some bozo with a credenza who doesn't know a Biedermeier from an Oscar Meyer.
They all laugh. The theme music for the show's end plays.
Presenter: That's it for this week. See you next time on "The Antiques Roadshow." Next Saturday the roadshow will be here in Seattle.
Martin: Oh!
Presenter: Viewers can bring their treasures to the convention center for a free appraisal.
Martin: We oughta go, that'd be great.
Frasier: Well sure, Dad.
Niles: That does sound like fun.
Martin: Yeah, I'm going to go and have a little root around in our closet. I bet I can find a nice little [correct pronunciation] objet d'art they'd be interested in.
Martin exits to his room, leaving his sons gobsmacked again.
Niles: It's as if that panhandler I gave money to was a genie granting all my wishes.
Daphne: Would you marry me in this?
We see that Daphne has entered. She is wearing the "wedding gown." It consists of white go-go boots, a fluffy white veil and very little else. In fact, just a white miniskirt connected to a tight white bra by flimsy suspenders. Niles nearly faints.
Frasier: [whispers] How much did you give him?
Niles: It's attractive, Daphne. It's a bit unorthodox.
Daphne: Yeah. That's what I think.
Daphne picks up the phone and calls Donny.
Daphne: Donny, I've just put your mum's wedding dress on. A mini- skirt? It's obscene! You can see my... What? No, I took the green box. [laughs] No problem, then. Bye. [hangs up] I took the wrong dress. This is from his mother's third marriage in 1968 in Las Vegas.
Daphne starts laughing along with Niles. Daphne bends down trying to control her laughter. Niles peers over her and down her bra without her noticing.
Daphne: Can you believe people used to actually dress like this?
Niles: I wish I had a picture of it for whenever I needed a laugh.
[tries to follow her to her bedroom]
Frasier: Niles!
Niles walks back sighing in fantasy.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Scene Four - The Antiques Roadshow. Martin and Frasier are hanging around the set. Martin is holding a rather ugly pewter clock consisting of a small round dial set in the middle of a hideous bear.
Martin: This bear clock's been in the family for generations, I can't wait to see how much it's worth. Do you think they'll put a dollar figure on it?
Frasier: Sounds about right.
Martin: Very funny, but you know, your grandpa passed this down to me and someday, when I'm gone, it'll be passed on to you.
Frasier: Dad, please, I don't even want to think about that day.
Martin: You know, I've got to see if I can go and get this baby appraised.
Martin goes off to the appraisers as Niles enters.
Niles: I am so sorry, but on the way in I had the most amazing
celebrity sighting: Hans Dietrich.
Frasier: [thrilled] The loveseat expert?
Niles: The very same. He's much smaller in person than on television. He's that big. [holds a hand up to the bottom of his neck]
Frasier: Get out!
Martin: Boys, come over here, they want to put me and the clock on TV.
Frasier: Good Lord, we can't appear on TV with that hideous thing.
Niles: Everyone we know watches this program.
Frasier: Thank God he didn't bring along that dreadful mounted jackrabbit's head with the antelope horns.
Niles: The Jackalope! Texas's answer to the Minotaur.
Martin: So what do you think of that, boys? They said they've never seen anything like it.
Frasier: Dad, you know, this could go either way.
Martin: Oh, I know. I'm not going to act like one of those saps I make fun of. Doesn't matter if it's worth two dollars or two thousand, I'm just gonna say, "That's pretty much what I figured."
The director shouts that tape is rolling so Niles and Frasier back off out of view from the camera. The bear clock is on a table in front of the camera. Martin and the appraiser are standing around the table.
Martin: [calls to boys] Guys, which one of you wants to come and hold this?
Frasier: No, no, Dad. We wouldn't dream of it.
Niles: This is your moment.
Director: Everybody ready? Action.
Appraiser: So, Martin, what can you tell us about this pewter clock?
Martin: [playing to the camera] Well, it is a clock set in the stomach of what appears to be a bear.
Appraiser: Actually, it's much more than that. It's Russian, made in the mid-nineteenth century.
Martin: That's pretty much what I figured.
Appraiser: Actually, it's a stunning piece. It was made by André Krogyn, who worked for Tsar Alexander II.
Martin: That is pretty much what I figured.
Appraiser: I don't know if you're descended from the Romanovs, Martin, but all of Krogyn's known bear clocks were done exclusively for the Romanov family and are now in the Hermitage Museum.
By now, Niles and Frasier, baffled by the findings, have walked into camera view and are standing alongside Martin.
Appraiser: Martin, you may be surprised to learn that this clock at auction would easily bring $25,000.
Martin: [excited] Ca-ching!
He laughs and claps his hands excitedly, but Frasier and Niles calm him into acting reserved again.
Frasier: What he means is, that's pretty much what we figured.
Frasier reaches out and strokes the bear clock like a favorite possession while he and Niles smile into the camera.
End of Act One. Act Two.
Scene One - Frasier's Apartment. Martin, Niles and Frasier enter the apartment with the bear clock in hand.
Frasier: After you, Dad.
Martin: Thank you.
Frasier: So, you know, Dad? I've been thinking, we should find an appropriate place for this clock. How about right here on this console? [puts it on table behind sofa]
Martin: Oh, I get it! It doesn't look quite so bad to you guys now that it's worth twenty-five grand. Oh, I could kick myself for not bringing that Jackalope!
Martin exits to the kitchen as Niles and Frasier give a look at each other.
Niles: What an amazing day, eh?
Frasier: It certainly was. You know, Niles, I was meaning to ask you about something. Remember the appraiser said something about the bear being from Russia, dad being part of the Romanov family?
Niles: Yeah, yeah, you know, that struck my ear too.
Frasier: Yes, although I don't seriously believe there's any real chance of that.
Niles: [half-heartedly] No, of course not.
Frasier: [dragging it out] It's a long shot.
Niles: It's possible.
Frasier: Although we do have the bear.
Niles: I know.
Martin enters back from the kitchen.
Frasier: Oh, Dad. Niles just reminded me of something I completely forgot. When the appraiser mentioned that the bear was from Russia...
Martin: Oh, yeah. Well, it probably got passed down through your great-great grandmother. She was from Russia.
Frasier: A-ha, he said something about the Romanov family?
Martin: Oh, yeah, that, eh? Are you sure you want to hear about this?
Niles: [no question] Yes, Dad.
Martin: Well, I guess you would have found out anyway after I died... We're royalty.
Frasier and Niles are ecstatic.
Martin: But I didn't want you to grow up spoiled, so I abdicated and took a job in Seattle on the police force. [the brothers realize his joke] It was kinda hard giving up that royal way of life, but I think maybe it's the swans that I miss most.
Frasier: Very funny, Dad. Point taken. Sherry, Niles? [crosses to sherry]
Niles: Please.
Martin: I'm sorry to disappoint you. I know you'd rather be anything else in the world except Cranes!
Frasier: Dad! Now that is just not true, we are proud to be Cranes. It's just innocent curiosity.
Martin: Well, I gotta go call Duke. But don't get excited, he's not a real Duke.
Martin exits to his room as Frasier brings the sherries across to Niles.
Niles: Well, we stepped in it that time.
Frasier: Yes, what the hell is wrong with us? Asking whether we are related to the Romanovs. We just got past this whole Crane shame thing.
Niles: We should have known it'd just upset him.
Frasier: Yes, and for what? Trying to find some distant connection to royalty.
Niles: Even if we can prove it, what do we have?
Frasier: Huh, a story to tell at parties.
Niles: An occasional seat at a state dinner.
Frasier: Some meaningless title. It's insane.
Niles: Ridiculous... destructive.
Frasier: Still, there is this grandmother.
Niles: I'm right behind you.
Frasier: You know, Niles, given our new pride in the Crane name, perhaps it would behoove us to research our family tree.
Niles: Actually, in a way we'd be honoring Dad.
Frasier: Yes, of course we wouldn't need to tell him.
Niles: No.
Frasier: Just a few hours on the internet, a trip to the library, we could sketch in the entire family tree.
Niles: And if there should happen to be a connection [breathless with glee] to the Romanovs...
Frasier: Well, what harm is there in that?
[N.B. Famous last words.]
Frasier: It is amusing to contemplate, isn't it, Niles? You, me, Dad - all part of an ancient noble family.
Martin then bursts out his room holding the jackalope to his forehead and chasing Eddie into the kitchen, showing off the true noble spirit of the Crane family.
Martin: Okay Eddie, the jackalope's gonna get ya! The jackalope is gonna get ya!
[SCENE_BREAK]
Scene Two - Café Nervosa. Frasier is surfing the internet and tracing his family tree at the window seat as Roz enters wearing a red dress with a silk shawl.
Roz: Hey, Frasier. How's the research going?
Frasier: Oh, sit down, Roz. I'll bring you up to speed.
Roz: No, thank you. [sits on another table] I'm meeting someone.
Frasier: Good God! Not one of your internet dalliances?
Roz: It's just coffee, okay? Listen, this guy's totally legit, he e-mailed me his picture. [holds it up]
Frasier: A picture? Oh, for God's sakes, Roz, what can you learn from a picture? The man's probably a lunatic, a psychopath... [looks at picture] Oh, he's a pretty boy.
Roz: Yeah.
Frasier: Wait... I know this photo. It's the cover of this month's Bidwell's catalogue!
Roz: Are you sure?
Frasier: I'm positive, I ordered those socks and driving shoes!
Roz: How could someone do this?
Frasier: Well, it's probably some insecure would-be Romeo trying to lure you into a meeting.
And then, as if in response to his description, in pops Noel.
Noel: Hello, Frasier.
Frasier: Noel.
Noel: [to Roz] What have we here? An empty seat next to yours. May I?
Roz: No! Of all the dumbass things you've done to get me to go out with you, e-mailing me this picture is just the most moronic!
Noel: But, Roz-!
Roz: Forget it, buddy!
The man in Roz's photo enters Nervosa and watches the scene, as Roz backs Noel into the counter, hitting him with the picture.
Roz: I ought to take your mouse cord and wrap it around your nerdy little neck until your eyes pop out like champagne corks!
Noel: [looks at picture] But I didn't send you this.
Roz: Yeah right, then who did?
Noel: My guess would be... [points to man] that guy.
Roz turns and gasps. The man leaves, disappointed with her.
Roz: Oh my God! Oh, Noel, I'm so sorry. [gathers her things]
Noel: How sorry?
Roz: Not that sorry.
Roz exits chasing after her date as Niles enters.
Niles: I just saw the Bidwell's guy!
Frasier: Yes. [Niles sits] Well Niles, how goes the research?
Niles: Oh, I think you're going to be very pleased. According to this catalogue of Russian antiquities, the bear clock was last seen in Moscow in 1879.
Frasier: Well, hold on to your fur hat, Niles. I just discovered that our great-great grandmother emigrated from Russia... 1879!
Niles: My God, it's all coming together. I can practically picture the scene.
Frasier: Yes.
Niles: Our great-great grandmother, smelling revolution in the wind...
Frasier: Secretly slips away in the black Russian night...
Niles: Taking the bear clock with her to remind her of better days.
Frasier: Yes! The ticking hands of time counting down her return, her royal power merely hibernating. [Frasier's mobile sounds, he answers] Yes? Yes, yes, I'll hold.
Niles: Who is it?
Frasier: It's Dr. Myshkin. He's an attaché at the Russian embassy, also an expert on the Romanovs. [to phone] Yes, Dr. Myshkin. This evening would be fine. About seven ó clock. Yes, I live in the Elliot Bay Towers. I'll see you then. [hangs up] He has some important information for us. My God, Niles, this is it. The final link to our royal past. I'm going to issue a press release!
Niles: Not before I shout it from the rooftops! [notices Martin entering] Here's Dad, hide everything!
They quickly clean things off the table and shut the laptop as Martin enters.
Martin: Hey guys, I thought I'd find you here. You know, you just missed seeing yourselves on "The Antiques Roadshow." [They fake noises of disappointment] And you know, the phone's been ringing off the hook, everybody wants to buy that bear clock.
Frasier: You're not thinking of selling it, are you?
Martin: You're damn right I am! Some guy just offered me twenty-six thousand for it. I'm gonna buy me a big, honking fishing boat, with a Wave Pounder 450 and a fun deck. Good for fishin', crusin', or just plain tubin'! [laughs]
Niles: Did you hear that Frasier? We can go tubin'. [Mouths to Frasier "Do Something!"]
Frasier: You know, Dad, perhaps Niles and I could sell the clock for you. I mean, we do know the antiques world and you know, we could get you more than twenty-six thousand.
Martin: Oh!
Niles: I should think at least thirty thousand.
Martin: Huh. You know, maybe I will let you boys handle this.
Frasier: Wise move, Dad.
Niles: Yeah, we'd hate to see you get manipulated.
Martin leaves the cafe as Frasier and Niles exchange congratulatory grins.
[SCENE_BREAK]
MYSHKIN ACCOMPLISHED
Scene Three - Frasier's Apartment. The doorbell sounds. Niles and Frasier answer it to Dr. Myshkin.
Myshkin: Dr. Crane.
Frasier: Dr. Myshkin, please. Come in. This is my brother, Dr. Niles Crane.
Niles clicks his heels and bobs his head in his version of a communist salute.
Myshkin: [spots clock] Oh, there it is.
Frasier: Please, have a look. [he does] Is it authentic?
Myshkin: Without a doubt. [Frasier gasps]
Niles: Frasier...
Frasier: I know.
Then Daphne enters from her room with the laundry.
Frasier: Daphne, you know, there is some caviar on the ice in the kitchen. Now would be the appropriate time, if you would, please?
Daphne: [sarcastic] Oh, I am so sorry. Here I am, dawdling with the laundry when it's ten minutes into caviar time!
Daphne exits to kitchen.
Myshkin: As I mentioned, I have some information which should be very interesting to you.
Frasier: Yes, yes, please make yourself comfortable. Do tell, tell.
Myshkin: [holds up a book] This is a copy of the diary of Princess Sonia Romanov, daughter to Tsar Alexander II. At eighteen she fell in love with a commoner, an American. [Niles mouths "Our grandmother" to Frasier] Their union, of course, was forbidden, but Sonia decided to give everything up for love.
Frasier: Quel elegance.
Myshkin: She enlisted the aid of a scullery maid, who smuggled money, clothing and this bear clock out of the palace.
Niles: [thrilled] She would elope to America!
Myshkin: Yes, that was her plan, but when Sonia found her way to the train station under the cover of night, the scullery maid absconded with everything, including the clock.
Niles: Servants!
Frasier: There's a back aching for the lash!
The camera then cuts to Daphne who has already entered the room with the caviar. She gets the wrong end of the stick.
Daphne: I'm moving as fast as I can! [slams caviar down and exits]
Frasier: Now, tell us. How did we get our clock back?
Niles: Yes, tell us, how did Great-Great-Grandmamma retrieve it?
Myshkin: [confused for a moment, then] Uh, Drs. Crane... your ancestor is not the princess, your ancestor is the scullery maid.
Silence as Frasier and Niles absorb this bombshell. Then Myshkin stands and picks up the clock.
Myshkin: Well, on behalf of the Russian people, I thank you for retrieving this for us.
Frasier: You mean, you're just going to take it?!
Myshkin: Well, its rightful place is in the Hermitage Museum.
Niles: But this clock has been in our family for generations...
Frasier: Niles. [Frasier motions him to cover the front door, he does]
Myshkin: Dr. Crane, we could settle this in the courts, but you wouldn't win. Do you really want this to come out in the press?
Frasier: Well, do you really expect us just to let you walk out of here with a precious family heirloom?!
Myshkin: Did I mention that your ancestor, before she married a Noah Crane in 1882, worked as a prostitute in New York?
Beat.
Frasier: Enjoy your bear.
Niles steps aside letting Myshkin out. As the door is opened we find Martin just entering.
Martin: Oh, hello.
Myshkin: Dr. Profiry Myshkin.
Martin: [shaking hands] Marty Crane. I see you've got the clock.
Myshkin: That's right. Good evening, all.
Martin: Bye.
Myshkin and the clock disappear forever.
Martin: You sold it! I hope you got a good price.
Frasier: Gee, Dad, I hope you didn't buy a boat.
Martin: No, I was thinking about it and then I thought, oh hell. We've been getting along so well... [to Frasier] And you don't like fishing. [to Niles] And you get seasick. Why not get something we can all enjoy, you know?
For a moment they look hopeful.
Martin: So I bought this! [holds up a picture of an RV to the boys]
Niles: [covering with mock excitement] A Winnebago!
Martin: Yeah!
Frasier: A big one!
Martin: Thirty-three footer, with air suspension and power jacks. Thirty thousand used, but you got that much for the clock, right?
Frasier: Of course. [Niles looks at him sharply]
Martin: Oh, that's great. We can go anywhere. You know, the first place I want to go is Elmo, Nebraska. We got a whole mess of cousins down there! [exits to kitchen]
The boys slump down on the couch and pick up some drinks.
Frasier: Well... we're out fifteen thousand each.
Niles: And we have to take long trips in a Winnebago.
Frasier: And we're not Romanovs. We're descended from thieves and whores.
Pause.
Niles: You know, I remember reading that Henry James once had a liaison with a Russian prostitute in New York.
Frasier: I'm right behind you.
They clink glasses once again. End of Act Two.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Niles is sipping sherry on Frasier's sofa as Daphne enters the living room dressed once again in the revealing bridal outfit. She climbs up on the coffee table and begins an enthusiastic rendition of the frug, the swim, and other 60's dances. Niles beams and sips his sherry.
Suddenly Niles wakes up from a nap on the sofa, and looks around eagerly to find Daphne, who isn't there. He drains the dregs of his sherry from a glass on the coffee table, and settles back down to try recapturing his enticing dream. | Plan: A: Seattle; Q: Where does Antiques Roadshow come to? A: Martin; Q: Who is delighted by the value of the pewter clock? A: appraisal; Q: What do Martin and his sons take a family heirloom for? A: a pewter clock; Q: What is the family heirloom that Martin and his sons take to Antiques Roadshow? A: Russian; Q: What country is the pewter clock from? A: the imperial Romanov family; Q: Who was the pewter clock made for? A: the Romanov connection; Q: What are Frasier and Niles more interested in? A: their great-great-grandmother; Q: Who was from Russia? A: their family history; Q: What do Frasier and Niles decide to research? A: royalty; Q: What do Frasier and Niles believe they may be descended from? Summary: Antiques Roadshow comes to Seattle, and after watching the previous show together, Martin and his sons decide to take a family heirloom for appraisal. The object, a pewter clock, turns out to be Russian, and is one of a collection made exclusively for the imperial Romanov family . It is valued at $25,000, which Martin is delighted by. Frasier and Niles are more interested in the Romanov connection, and they know that their great-great-grandmother was from Russia. They decide to research their family history , thrilled at the possibility that they may be descended from royalty. |
Gabe: The Sabre Code of Conduct outlines the governing principles key to establishing and maintaining trust with our employees, clients-
Kelly: Oh my God, kill me!
Andy: Hey! All right, obviously we all want to die but we have to get through this. So, Gabe go ahead. It's okay.
Gabe: Oh, is it okay with you? Because if it's not, you work for me, so... Comply with all applicable laws, regulations, policies and contracts governing our business. Be honest, fair-
Pam: [whispers to Jim] I'm gonna do it.
Gabe: And trustworthy in all your business activities and relationships. Treat one another-
Pam: Oh! I'm going into labor! Oh my goodness!
Jim: Oh okay, she's going into labor. Make way, everybody!
[SCENE_BREAK]
Pam: I know it's wrong to fake going into labor just to get out of things, but sometimes it's necessary.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Pam: [after Angela gives her a stack of files]: I'm going into labor!
[SCENE_BREAK]
Phyllis: Or should I have corndogs. I mean-
Pam: I'm going into labor!
[SCENE_BREAK]
Ryan: Okay, three reasons you are wrong about True Blood. Number one-
Pam: I'm going into labor.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Pam: Here we go!
Andy: Hey guys, uh, can't keep saying you're going into labor. Everyone knows you're full of it.
Kelly: Yeah.
Oscar: It's not fair, you guys.
Kelly: Pitiful.
Meredith: It's stupid.
Andy: Never cry wolf.
Jim: Okay.
Pam: Okay.
Erin: Oh. [liquid splatters]
Pam: Oh! Oh!
Everyone: Oh! Oh my goodness!
Jim: Oh my God!
Pam: I'm really in labor! This is happening!
Jim: Okay guys, here we go! We'll see you!
Pam: Oh!
Jim: How do you feel?
Erin: Drive carefully!
Oscar: Good luck!
Everyone: Goodbye! Good luck! [empty bottle falls to the ground]
Pam: False alarm.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Andy: [on the phone] What?! They took another client from us? Okay, bye. Man! Business is war! Customers, clients- it's like a war out there.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Andy: I am a leader. But you can only inspire people so much in a place like this. So today I'm turning the inspire-factor up to ten with a little help from my friend America's bloodiest battle.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Andy: Why even read business books? We should be studying war. Going to places like Gettysburg. Where is that?
Erin: It's right here in PA.
Andy: [gags, coughs] Well we should take a fieldtrip there. I mean, that would be so cool. I wonder if that bus downstairs is-
Angela: Okay, Andy, we get it. It's a trip to Gettysburg.
Andy: That sounds super inspiring! I'm in!
Dwight: Gettysburg? Hmm. Could be interesting. Second-most northern battle in the Civil War.
Oscar: Actually it is the northernmost.
Dwight: Ha!
[SCENE_BREAK]
Dwight: The Civil War history industry has conveniently forgotten about the battle of Schrute Farms. [scoffs] Whatever. I'm over it. It's just grossly irresponsible.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Andy: Charge!
Phyllis: Well, this could be fun. I-
Andy: Yeah, well, the bus has free wifi and I made special low-sugar lunches for everyone. And is anyone kosher or halal?
Ryan: What's the halal option?
Andy: Dates, tabbouleh, and a bagel with cream cheese.
Ryan: Out.
Andy: You know, it's the same as the kosher option. There's a lesson in there. I mean, I can't force you to go. You're not my slaves. Thanks to Gettysburg. But... who's coming with me?
Erin: I'm in.
Phyllis: I'm in too.
Dwight: Guess I'm a sucker for historical fiction.
Andy: Anyone who's not going, you're dead to me. You're uninvited. I don't want you to come. But, FYI, there will be leftover turkey and pesto sammies in the fridge.
Kevin: Yes!
[SCENE_BREAK]
Andy: [passes out hats] One for you.
Erin: Cool. Thanks.
Andy: And one for you.
Jim: Cool. Thanks. [puts his hat on Erin's head]
Andy: And- oh. You missed your head. [laughs and puts hat on Jim's head] There you go. Phyllis, think fast!
[SCENE_BREAK]
Andy: All right, guys, a little foreplay before we do it. Fans of Ken Burns' Jazz will most certainly enjoy Civil War.
Darryl: You know, I just got Limitless on my iPad. I bet I could get it on the TV.
Phyllis: Ooh. Isn't that the one where the guy becomes limitless?
Andy: It's just not appropri- I mean, if we were going to visit Bradley Cooper's birthplace, I'd be the first one suggesting it. I'd be rooting for it.
Everyone: Limitless! Limitless! Limitless! Limitless!
Andy: All right, all right, all right.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Kevin: Not food and stuff.
Pam: Here. Like it?
Kevin: Oh, if you buy the picnic table then you've got to get the fire pit.
Pam: I can't get a fire pit. I have two babies.
Kevin: The fire pit is a no-brainer.
Robert: Oh, hi there.
Pam: Plants and- hi, Robert! Hey, um, how are you doing? Good to see you again.
Robert: Where is everyone? Where is Andy?
Kelly: Andy took some of the other people on a corporate retreat to Gettysburg.
Robert: Well, I was hoping to talk out some ideas with Andy. But what we have here... is perhaps better. By not going on the trip, you've shown you're the free-thinkers of the office.
Ryan: Robert, you got your sheep and you got your black sheep, and I'm not even a sheep. I'm on the freaking moon.
Robert: So, here what we can do. Game changers- changes to the game such that the game can never be played the same way again. Everyone, brainstorm some innovations. Don't be afraid to get weird with it. Meredith! [wakes her up] Excited!
[SCENE_BREAK]
Kevin: [tries stapler/marker combo] Okay.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Andy: You guys...
Darryl: J-j-j-ju...
Andy: Get excited!
Darryl: Shh! Movie's almost over.
Andy: All right! We're here. Limitless can wait.
Gabe: Fun fact. In France, they call Limitless 'The Man with Many Capabilities.'
Andy: Woo-hoo! Ladies and gentlemen the eighteen hundreds await you. We can watch Limitless on the way back.
Darryl: I got Source Code on the way back.
Everyone: Ooh! All right!
Andy: Woo!
Andy: Whoa, where you going?
Jim: Visitor center. Gonna grab a map for the memorials, right?
Andy: Yeah, we're not going to the visitor center. We're not tourists.
Jim: No, of course we're not tourists. We're just people that aren't from here who are taking a tour.
Phyllis: Yeah, sign says "Begin tour here."
Andy: Unless you're going on the very specially-created and meticulously-researched Andy Bernard tour.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Andy: After Chancellorsville, Lee brought his army up the Shenandoah Valley, right through here! They stopped in this field for a picnic, which they called lunch.
Erin: [to Dwight] Yeah, but I'm confused...
Dwight: Total deaths belongs to Gettysburg but when you're talking about D.P.A., that's deaths per acre...
Erin: Mm-hmm.
Dwight: ...nothing beats the battle of Schrute Farms.
Erin: Oh. D.P.A. sounds way more important that total deaths.
Dwight: Oh, it is. And you should read some of these letters that the soldiers wrote home. I mean, it makes the battle of Gettysburg sound like a bunch of schoolgirls wrestling over a hairbrush. [laughs] I'm telling you, they're heartbreaking too. So beautifully written.
Oscar: Dwight, what are you telling this girl?
Dwight: The truth.
Oscar: Stop filling her head with nonsense, okay? She doesn't know any better.
Erin: Oscar, I am so glad you just got here. I would've believed everything he said.
Dwight: No, no, no! You're filling her head with nonsense. You and the history books. I'm telling the truth.
Erin: Interesting.
Dwight: Yes, thank you. All of history has been whitewashed.
Oscar: Really? Why don't you tell us the real history, Gore Vidal?
Dwight: Okay, I will. I don't know who that is, but I'm gonna tell you this-
Oscar: he's a historian.
Dwight: Gettysburg was very important. Credit where credit is due, okay? Big, mad props to Gettysburg. Was it, however, the most northern battle of the civil war?
Oscar: Yes, yes, yes!
Dwight: Not by a long shot!
Erin: No!
Oscar: Yes!
Dwight: No, it was not!
Oscar: Argh!
Dwight: No, it was not. Was it the second-most northern?
Oscar: What?
Dwight: Sure! I will cede it was the second-most northernmost battle!
Oscar: Erin-
Dwight: Was it the northernmost? No. Get out of here, Oscar.
Erin: Get out of here!
[SCENE_BREAK]
Robert: I am so eager to hear your game-changers. Let's dig in, shall we?
Ryan: May I go first?
Robert: Absolutely.
Ryan: Raw fish- the disgusting food from Japan that Americans would never want to eat. Now, we can't get enough of it. From movie stars to construction workers, sushi is what's for dinner. Let me throw another idea at you. Origami. What? The crazy art of paper folding from, that's right, Japan. Don't you wish you could go back to 1980 and open the first sushi restaurant in Manhattan? We can do that! With... origami. It's the sushi of paper.
Robert: This idea hasn't gripped me. What else did you come up with?
Ryan: Well I had to memorize the presentation, Robert, and it took a long time to build the swan, so-
Robert: That was bad.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Stanley: If your woman is like mine, I bet you come home to hear the same thing all the time. This paper is so hard. It scratches. Why can't there be a paper just for me? Well now there is. 'Papyr.' Paper for women. It's pink, scented and silky soft. Now, you can watch the game and she can write a letter to her sister.
Robert: The situation you described, returning home to a wife complaining about her paper being too masculine, is not one I'm familiar with.
Stanley: In the African-American community-
Robert: No.
Stanley: [murmurs] Thought it was worth a try.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Darryl: That's fascinating. Tell me, what's the significance of the peach orchard, thought?
Park Ranger: Oh, well, that's a great question. Actually some of the most-
Dwight: Excuse me, I got a question for you.
Park Ranger: Sure.
Dwight: Can you tell us about the battle of Schrute Farms?
Park Ranger: Uh, I haven't heard of that one.
Dwight: Really. Okay, follow-up question. How much are they paying you to keep your mouth shut?
Oscar: I apologize for my friend and for the Republicans who are cutting your funding.
Andy: We don't need to bother this poor gentleman. I know exactly where we're going. Giddy up! Tallyho!
Chelsea: [taps Gabe's shoulder] Are you Lincoln?
Gabe: No, no, I'm-
[SCENE_BREAK]
Gabe: Apparently, I bear a passing resemblance to Abraham Lincoln. Makes it kind of hard for me to go to places like museums, historical monuments, elementary schools... I don't see it.
Chelsea's Mom: Chelsea, give Mr. Lincoln your hat so I can take a picture.
Gabe: Okay, Quick.
Man: Hey! Lincoln's starting. [light applause]
Gabe: Oh, uh, no. No, no, no, no. I'm, uh, I'm actually with a tour group myself, so- [laughter] Hello! I'm Abraham Lincoln! Some people call me the great emancipator, but, uh, you might know me from the penny. [laughter]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Pam: Okay. You know the test booklets that they give out in all the schools. I was thinking that we could put a coupon in the back that people would mail in to us... and as, you know, as I tell it, I don't like it. Unless, of course, you are responding to it.
Robert: I am not.
Pam: Um, excuse me. I'm gonna go to the bathroom.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Pam: At this point, when you're this pregnant, it's kind of like senior spring. The other day I spit my gum out on the carpet.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Robert: Kevin, you've been quiet. I'm curious to know what your game-changer is.
Kevin: Well, you know how in the vending machine they have the chocolate chip cookies in the A-1 spot? They do that 'cause they think A-1's the best spot for the best cookie. But the real best spot is D-4. Right? That's where the eyes go. So...
Robert: Cookies. Cookie placement.
Kevin: Yeah. But not just the cookies, though. That was just a 'for instance.'
Robert: Who else agrees with Kevin, that we're wasting facilities, manpower, on our underselling products when we should be pushing our top-performers? [everyone raises their hand, Robert laughs] There you go. Consensus.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Ryan: Okay, we are now on a planet where Kevin is the most creative person around, and I am just some good-looking guy.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Gabe: [as Lincoln] I just don't understand. It's 1865, victory is ours, I've saved the very soul of our nation, and yet... happiness eludes me. Oh, perhaps a trip to the theater will enliven my spirits.
Audience: No!
[SCENE_BREAK]
Kevin: 'Kay, so another thing about oatmeal cookies. Who even wants them? I mean, I've seen Toby eat one, like, once, but other than that... [scoffs] like, forget it.
Robert: Interesting. So what is Dunder Mifflin's oatmeal cookie? What is the product that no one wants?
Stanley: how about that two-hole-punch letter? Only the lawyers want that punch at the top and they use legal.
Robert: That's the oatmeal cookie. Fantastic, Kevin. Fantastic. [laughs]
Kevin: Thank you.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Jim: By the way, did we leave all the food on the bus?
Andy: Let's talk about food for a second. Food for thought.
Jim: Yeah, that's what I had for breakfast and I think that's probably why I'm still hungry.
Andy: Hunger! Hunger for victory! Hunger for honor. Hunger for pride.
Darryl: Hunger for hamburger.
Erin: Hunger for chicken chimichangas. Right, Darryl?
Darryl: That's good.
Andy: Exactly. Now do you know the Civil War soldiers were hungry for? Pride! Now, each battalion had its own flag and they guarded these flags with their lives. Colonel Harrison Jeffords of the Fourth Michigan Infantry saw his flag being carried away, chased it down with nothing but a sword. Fought tooth and nail at the foot of that flag until he died. He wasn't about to let them have that flag. Pride. Right, guys? [holds up flag] I commissioned this flag for Dunder Mifflin. Cost me two hundred dollars.
Jim: Only two hundred dollars?
Andy: We are all branches on this tree. And from the tree comes paper. We're all part of a business. But business is war. What's that I hear? Uh, a rebel paper company is coming to take our flag! Wha- what's going on here? Wee-hoo! Come and get it! Who's gonna get the flag? Who's getting it? Whoa! Hey! Ho! Don't look where I am, look where I'm going. Juke right, juke left.
Darryl: Andy, this is inappropriate. People died here, man.
Andy: Get the flag! Get the flag! Come on, Big Tuna. What you gonna do about it? We got a flag right here. Wee-hoo!
[SCENE_BREAK]
Andy: Spangler Springs is a mile this way.
Jim: Oh wow. So that's two miles if you incorporate the walk back.
Andy: Its... I mean come on.
Phyllis: I don't think I should walk anymore. You know all I had for breakfast was oatmeal, yogurt, coffee, orange juice and toast. Two poached eggs. And then half a sandwich on the bus.
Andy: Alright fine. You know what - I guess this place just hasn't rubbed off on you the way I hoped it would. I'm still going. And I'm not going to ask anymore. I'm not even going to look back. I'm just going to assume that you're with me.
Dwight: [Andy looks back to find everyone sitting] You said you weren't going to look back.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Robert: And why is Black Rock suddenly the paragon by which all hedge funds must now be compared?
Kevin: I don't know.
Robert: Right. I mean you're an accountant. Those bogus prospectuses must drive you insane.
Kevin: Yes. I am an accountant.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Oscar: Dwight - this is one of the archivists here. I thought maybe we could consult him.
Dwight: Really?
Oscar: Yeah.
Dwight: Well. Anyone employed by the Gettysburg Industrial Complex is certainly going to want to keep quiet about the Battle of Schrute Farms.
Archivist: Schrute Farms did you say? That is a fascinating little chapter of the Civil War.
Oscar: You've heard about it?
Dwight: YES! Ha! Prepare to be refuted! Go on.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Archivist: There you go.
Narrator: Families and sweethearts back home waited desperately for letters from the front.
Soldier: Dearest mother I'm sorry it has been so long since my last letter. It is three months since I arrived at Schrute Farms and I fear I may never leave this place alive. Melvin Fifer Garris.
Dwight: Hallowed ground.
Narrator: But the Battle at Schrute Farms was no battle at all. It was a code used by pacifists from both North and South who turned the Pennsylvania farmhouse into an artistic community and a refuge from the war. Amanda:[on film] You have to understand. Poets, artists, dancers - these kind of men preferred peace to war. These delicate lovely men found a place of refuge among the Schrutes at Schrute Farms. Amidst the macho brutality of war this was a place where dandies and dreamers could put on plays and sing tender ballads and dance in the moonlight. I like to think of Schrute Farms as the Underground Railroad for the sensitive... and well... fabulous.
Oscar: Wow. This is so much better than the story you made up.
Dwight: I've seen enough.
Oscar: You're right. There should be a monument to this.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Kevin: Never trust a cookie with a woman's name. Pecan Sandy. Lorna Doone. Madeline. They'll just break your heart.
Robert: [laughing] Kevin!
Ryan: Robert I hate to interrupt. But I would love to pitch you one last idea. I call it the Big Mac idea.
Kevin: What?!? No!
Robert: Big Mac idea. That sounds encouraging.
Ryan: It's really, really good Robert. Let me explain.
Kevin: No! This is not fair! This is my idea. He's trying to steal it because he's jealous of me.
Robert: Well what is the idea?
Kevin: Every time you buy a Big Mac you set one ingredient aside. Then at the end of the week you have a free Big Mac. And you love it even more because you made it with your own hands.
Ryan: You know what? Now I remember. That was your idea. [patting Kevin on the back] That is 100 percent your idea.
Robert: Oh my. It was just actually cookies the whole time?
[SCENE_BREAK]
Andy: [making pencil imprint] Dammit.
Darryl: Hey.
Andy: You guys came. Where's everyone else?
Darryl: Back at the bus. We were locked out. Phyllis is sitting on the ground eating a dirty sandwich.
Andy: Yeah I asked the bus driver to lock it because our stuff was in there. I guess he follows orders.
Jim: Yeah sorry everyone else didn't come. I think they're just tired. With holes in their shoes. And they have dysentery.
Andy: Even without an audience you're still at it.
Jim: What are you talking about?
Andy: Our office has a disease. And it goes by many names. Sarcasm. Snark. Wisecracks. You take things people care about and you make them feel lame about it with your jokes. That's what you did with this trip.
Jim: Andy - this whole idea of our situation being just like war? It's just not true. We just work at a paper company. And you're our regional manager. And guess what man? You don't have to prove anything. We like you as regional manager. Andy if you don't believe me take a look at what's on my head. I'm wearing a very pink hat. I've been getting weird looks all day because I'm pretty sure "DM does GB" means something kinda sexual. But guess who's wearing them? All of us. Just for you man. That's huge.
Andy: You don't like the hats?
Jim: They're terrible.
Darryl: I hate myself.
Andy: They just didn't turn out how I wanted. In my head they were cooler, but they do look weird.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Andy: [voiceover the three walking] The world will little note, nor long remember the fight Jim and I had here at Gettysburg and that's good because I was basically wrong. I wanted my team to be, like, this army and I was their general. But I guess it's really more like they're just people who work in an office and I'm their manager. Yeah that's really probably a better analogy now that I think about it.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Gabe: Abe and Mary are seated watching the show. [in Lincoln voice] Oh Mary this is wonderful... Ok Mary stop your scolding. I'll be quiet. [aside to the audience] I need her like I need a hole in the head! [scattered chuckles from the crowd] [Gabe raises his hand with a finger pointed in the shape of a gun to his head] BANG! Ooh [Gabe falls to the ground and the crowd claps, Gabe picks up the Lincoln hat, bows, runs to the crowd and trades it back for his pink "DM does GB" hat and runs off] | Plan: A: Andy; Q: Who takes the office staff to Gettysburg? A: a field trip; Q: What does Andy take the office staff on to Gettysburg? A: inspiration; Q: What is Andy hoping to get from his trip to Gettysburg? A: his coworkers; Q: Who does Andy try to impress? A: an Abraham Lincoln impersonator; Q: What is Gabe mistaken for? A: Robert; Q: Who tasks the remaining employees with coming up with a new business idea for Dunder Mifflin? A: Dunder Mifflin; Q: What company is Robert trying to come up with a new business idea for? A: Kevin's simple ideas; Q: What does Robert think are elaborate metaphors? A: Kevin; Q: Whose ideas are Robert convinced are elaborate metaphors? Summary: Andy takes some of the office staff on a field trip to Gettysburg for inspiration. After most of the office abandons him, Darryl and Jim confront Andy and tell him that he should stop trying so hard to impress his coworkers. Meanwhile, Gabe finds himself enjoying the trip when he is mistaken as an Abraham Lincoln impersonator. Robert tasks the remaining employees with coming up with a new business idea for Dunder Mifflin and becomes convinced that Kevin's simple ideas are elaborate metaphors. |
INT. BELFAST - UNKNOWN
In an office building with a security desk, people are running everywhere. Armed police are running up some stairs. There's a bomb in an alcove on a wall. Two bomb technicians are trying to disarm it.
BT2: This is way out of my league.
BT1: Motion sensor. A dedicated board running God knows how many programs. There's no way we's shut this down in time. Our best bet is to try and defuse the motion sensor and get this thing off-site in a blast-containment vessel before it vaporizes the block.
BT2: Can you do that? BT1 doesn't answer.
BT1: I found the lead for the motion sensor. Cutting it. He cuts the white wire.
BT1: It's no good. It's still operational. It must be looped.
BT2: What the hell do we do now?
BT1: Your guess is as good as mine.
BT2: My kid's favorite color is red. BT1 gets ready to cut the red wire. BT2 nods. BT1 cuts the red wire, and the scene immediately cuts off...
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. - ROTUNDA - CONFERENCE ROOM
Pictures from the blast are shown on the monitor.
DIXON: The Wicklow National Bank building, or what's left of it.
VAUGHN: Do we know who's responsible?
DIXON: His name is Daniel Ryan. This morning we intercepted a message he sent to the Covenant for the bombing.
JACK: Ryan's former Royal Navy, explosive ordinance disposal. After his dishonorable discharge, he went from disposing. bombs to designing them. He's worked with the Covenant in the past and wants to sell them his latest product.
SYDNEY: So he displays their effectiveness by destroying a downtown office building?
JACK: Actually, Ryan alerted local authorities, gave them time to evacuate the building.
WEISS: So he's a humanitarian bomber?
JACK: His goal was to provide a state-of-the-art bomb squad ample opportunity to deactivate his creation.
VAUGHN: He wanted the bomb squad called in?
MARSHALL: Well, maybe 'cause he knew there was nothing they could do. Right? The bomb you recovered last week, I've got that one in my workshop. Now, according to the bomb squad's voice recording, Ryan made one significant upgrade.
MARSHALL: Anyone ever hear of quantum entanglement? Raise your... (he looks around) Weiss shakes his head.
MARSHALL: No? It... to make a long story short, the theory is this bomb can't be diffused. Oh, and compared to his previous version, it's got twice the yield.
DIXON: Ryan indicated that negotiations with the Covenant will be exclusive for 48 hours.
JACK: If there is no agreement at that time, he will detonate a second bomb, targeted against America to elicit bids from terrorist groups hostile to our interests.
DIXON: But, if the Covenant is interested in making an offer, he instructed them to contact him tomorrow night at a pub called the Black Stag in Belfast.
JACK: Our options: extract Ryan and force his cooperation, or get him to do so voluntarily by posing as the Covenant.
VAUGHN: Well how can we do that? We don't know what their relationship is. Isn't that too risky?
JACK: There are variables, yes, but if our goal is to prevent a second bombing, and to learn who Ryan's partners might be, the best way to do that is by gaining his trust.
SYDNEY: What about Lysenker, Leonid Lysenker, the Covenant defector? He's still in custody. He might be able to detail Ryan's relationship with the Covenant.
DIXON: For now, we spec out both approaches. Sydney, you question Lysenker. Vaughn, you and Weiss detail the mission if we go in as CIA. We'll meet in two hours.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. - SAFEHOUSE.
LEONID: I believe in America. America has given me new life away from the Covenant.
SYDNEY: I was hoping you could tell me something about this man. (hands him a picture of Ryan)
LEONID: Daniel Ryan was critical to the IRA when they were in the bombing business. He's become independent contractor since ?, year before last.
LEONID: Your cigarettes are for crap. But I love cable television in your country. I am enjoying very much this picture, Miami Vice.
SYDNEY: Ryan is selling a new weapon to the Covenant. We're considering acquiring it by posing as the Covenant. For this to work, we need you to tell us everything you know about Ryan's interactions with them... protocols, contacts.
LEONID: I was never directly involved in procurement, but I did two deals with Ryan. I can tell you what he will be expecting, and that his contact is Vladimir Andrejev. How is Agent Vaughn? When you took me from North Korea, I saw a strong connection, yes?
SYDNEY: We know the first contact is made in Belfast. What happens after that?
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. - ROTUNDA
WEISS: Hey, where's Lauren? I haven't seen her all day.
VAUGHN: She's in Washington. ? of debrief with the CIA, plus a couple days with her family?
WEISS: And how is the Senator?
VAUGHN: I like the Senator.
WEISS: How's your marriage doing?
Sydney walks up. Vaughn doesn't answer, sees Sydney, glares at Weiss.
VAUGHN: How was Lysenker?
SYDNEY: Helpful. We should go tell Dixon. (Sydney walks off)
WEISS: What, I can't ask my buddy...
VAUGHN: The marriage is fantastic. (gets up to leave)
WEISS: Yeah, I can tell.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. - BELFAST - PUB (pushthrough: ELFAST) Ryan is sitting at a table. Weiss walks up and sits down.
WEISS: How you doing there?
RYAN: Who are you?
WEISS: I'm a U.S. Federal Agent. In cooperation with local authorities, I'm placing you under arrest for transporting dangerous explosives with an intent to kill.
RYAN: You've put on weight.
WEISS: So have you.
WEISS: Your friends from the Covenant aren't here yet. Come on. Car's out back.
IRISH POLICE: Alright, come on. Move it.
EXT. BELFAST - JUST OUTSIDE THE PUB
RYAN: There's obviously been some mistake. I've done nothing wrong.
WEISS: Right. Yeah. Tell that to the families of your victims.
An SUV pulls up. A masked figure gets out and shoots one of the police. Two shooters on the rooftops take out the other guards. Weiss gets Ryan behind marginal cover.
WEISS: (to comm unit) Officers down, I need help now. One of the rooftop shooters hits Weiss. The masked figure runs up and shoots Weiss in the chest.
FIGURE: We need to hurry. She takes off her mask. It's Sydney, with red/black hair and a nose ring.
SYDNEY: I'm Emma Warfield. Andrejev sent me.
RYAN: This is not what we agreed.
SYDNEY: ? ? before your stupidity led the CIA to the meeting.
RYAN: I don't know you. (he backs away)
SYDNEY: Every cop in the city is going to be here in five minutes. You may not know me, but I did you a favor. Someone (a masked Vaughn) shoots Ryan with a tranquilizer. Sydney checks his pulse.
SYDNEY: We're good.
VAUGHN: Boy Scout to Base Camp, we've got the package. The guards and Weiss get up.
WEISS: That was good, right? It's called method acting. I was shot in the neck once. I can do it again.
SYDNEY: We've got to move.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Title Sequence
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. - LOS ANGELES - WAREHOUSE MADE TO LOOK LIKE A HOTEL
Sydney and Vaughn get out of an elevator.
SYDNEY: According to Lysenker, Ryan always does business with the Covenant at the Commodore Hotel in Moscow, room 305.
VAUGHN: I still think it would just be easier to sic your father on him.
SYDNEY: We have 27 hours before Ryan sets off another bomb. Our best chance to prevent that is to let him know that his first demonstration convinced us to buy every weapon he can produce.
VAUGHN: Us being the Covenant based on intel received from someone we may or may not be able to trust.
SYDNEY: Lysenker defected. He hates the Covenant as much as anyone, and he's all we've got.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. - WAREHOUSE - HOTEL - ROOM 305
SYDNEY: How's the inspection going?
WEISS: Good. Whoa.
He grabs some fruit from a fruit basket some prop guy is carrying around.
WEISS: Lysenker rejected the fruit basket, said it would cost a fortune in Moscow this time of year. Oh, and we need a ceiling. A ceiling is lowered into place as the camera pans up past the partial ceiling, across and down into the hall, then cuts back to the room. Lysenker turns on the TV.
MARSHALL: Oh, it's actually Russian satellite television. I hacked it off the Dubnovysat communications satellite.
SYDNEY: Everything is to spec. The bed sheets are 700 thread count, the minibar is stocked with ? [Baikul? I don't know of any vodka brand that sounds like that.], and the hotel's insignia has been stitched into the bathrobes.
VAUGHN: What if he wants to take a walk?
WEISS: Well, I don't think he will, but if he does, he can go as far as the elevator. Once he presses Lobby, we're made. Doctors cart Ryan in on a stretcher.
SYDNEY: Okay. We're ready. You can ...(?)
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. - ROTUNDA
Marshall, Dixon, Jack, Lysenker, and Vaughn are watching a feed from the room.
MARSHALL: And now, the soundtrack of our lives. A car honks. Ryan wakes up.
DIXON: Here we go. Ryan looks around. He picks up the phone.
JACK: Good evening, Mr. Ryan. Welcome back to the Commodore. How may I help you?
RYAN: You can start by telling me how I got here.
JACK: I just came on duty sir, but you do have one message from your attorney.
RYAN: My attorney? Everyone looks skeptically at Lysenker, who provided that piece of information.
LYSENKER: This is how Andrejev is known. I'm sure of it.
JACK: Yes, he called at 6:15 to apologize for being unable to meet with you. The colleague he sent in his place is fully capable of executing the necessary documents. That is all.
RYAN: Thank ye'. He paces around some more.
DIXON: Syd, you're up. Syd walks down the hall and goes into the room.
SYDNEY: You're awake. That's good. We can do business. She hands him a manila envelope.
RYAN: I do business with Andrejev.
SYDNEY: Your product demonstration in Belfast was impressive. We'd like to purchase your new weapon.
RYAN: (dismissively) Yeah. While I appreciate your hairstyle, as I said I'll do business with Andrejev.
SYDNEY: Do you know what the CIA would have done with you in custody? They would have executed you as an enemy of the State. Unless you have a death wish, you will do as I instruct. These windows have been made bulletproof with Kevlar for your protection. Three officers, including a CIA agent, were killed trying to arrest you. You're all over the news.
INT. - ROTUNDA
DIXON: Cue the newscast.
MARSHALL: Patching it into the feed... Roll Camera.
There's a mini-studio in the Rotunda.
INT. - WAREHOUSE - HOTEL ROOM
Lysenker turns on the TV, flips channels.
TV: Police confirm they do have several leads, and are working to bring the investigation to a swift conclusion.
TV: Few details are being given to news organizations, but a photograph was released of this man, who was not only involved in the raid, but who police say was responsible for the Wicklow National Bank blast last Wednesday. The CIA is working with Interpol as well as local law enforcement in pursuit of this man and those responsible. Lysenker shuts of the TV.
SYDNEY: You will agree to our terms and call off the second demonstration. It's unnecessary and will only serve to draw unwanted attention. Ryan thinks.
RYAN: Before Andrejev, my contact was Pannich. I deal with him, okay?
INT. - ROTUNDA
LYSENKER: It is a trap.
VAUGHN: What, you know the guy he's talking about?
LYSENKER: The guy's a woman. I must speak to Sydney.
LYSENKER: Hello, Sydney. It's Leonid. Listen to me. Ivana Pannich is dead, was killed.
INT. - WAREHOUSE - HOTEL ROOM
SYDNEY: She was killed in Slovenia last year. You know this. That's why your handlers were switched. Any other tests?
RYAN: Yeah. I don't feel safe here. I want to leave this place.
SYDNEY: You leave this hotel room, you're a dead man.
RYAN: If I'm scared, I'll go to the Covenant. [not sure about this line]
SYDNEY: In addition to being a target of the CIA, Mr. Ryan, you are also a security risk to the Covenant. You have information that could compromise our operation.
RYAN: Was that a threat? I've been threatened before. I always like a threat.
SYDNEY: You leave this room, I will kill you myself.
RYAN: There's loads of things I'm really good at. Some, I'm exceptional at. One of them is poker. Ahh, I love poker. Play twice a week. My friends come 'round, they bring their money, they lose their money. I always win. Do you know why? I can see a bluff a mile away. If you really are the Covenant, you won't kill me.
INT. - ROTUNDA
JACK: (to Lysenker) Take off the headset. Do it!
INT. - WAREHOUSE - HOTEL ROOM
RYAN: Not when I've got something you want.
Ryan walks into the hall. Sydney chambers a round.
SYDNEY: Mr. Ryan.
RYAN: You played your hand, darling. Leonid comes out of the elevator.
LEONID: Hello, Daniel. Andrejev told me you were in town, so I took the liberty of coming over, and... (he sees Sydney) Sorry, were you going somewhere?
RYAN: Uh, no, I was, yeah, but that can wait. Do you want to... (motions toward the room)
LEONID: Hello, Emma. Good to see you.
SYDNEY: Leonid. What an unexpected surprise.
RYAN: You vouch for this one (indicating Sydney)?
LEONID: Daniel, I know about Belfast. Your extraction was cleared to the highest levels. Emma saved your life. You should kiss her... whatever she wants. Sydney smirks. Ryan looks over the papers.
RYAN: Okay. The terms are acceptable, on one condition. The details for transferring materials, blueprints, have to be handled by the co-chair of the North American cell. I deal directly with Mr. Sark, okay?
SYDNEY: You're in no position to make such a demand.
RYAN: As long as I've got something you want, I am.
LEONID: Mr. Sark is in town on business. For an important supplier such as yourself, I'm sure he'd be happy to oblige.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. - ROTUNDA
DIXON: Happy to oblige?!
LEONID: If you'll let me explain...
VAUGHN: Explain what? In case you've forgotten, we're not really Covenant. We can't produce Sark.
LEONID: Sark has never met Ryan.
JACK: Are you sure of this?
LEONID: Yes.
SYDNEY: That wasn't a yes, that was a know.
LEONID: What I know is the only chance you have of getting what you want is to send someone in there posing as Mr. Sark.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. - WAREHOUSE - HOTEL ROOM
Ryan answers a knock on the door. It's Sark. Or rather, Vaughn in black leather and sporting a British accent that pales in comparison to Anders'.
VAUGHN: Mr. Ryan, I'm Julian Sark.
RYAN: They said you was a pretty boy.
VAUGHN: When and where can I acquire your product?
RYAN: The information you'll need is on a disk my associate will carry aboard Nuage Air Flight 212, tomorrow evening's flight from Rome to Paris. You'll purchase two adjacent seats on that flight, and twenty minutes outside Rome, my associate will come and sit next to you, and the transfer will be made. It's elaborate, but at 35 thousand feet, no chance of surveillance.
VAUGHN: This associate, how will I know him?
RYAN: You'll know him. You've worked with him before. He's a friend.
INT. - ROTUNDA
DIXON: Meaning for this to work, we need the real Sark to be on that plane. Any ideas how we can do that?
INT. - WAREHOUSE - HOTEL ROOM
VAUGHN: The second demonstration is scheduled to take place tomorrow afternoon. I assume it will be called off?
RYAN: When my associate sees you, he'll know we've come to terms, and bring that issue to a close.
VAUGHN: We're agreed, then?
RYAN: We are indeed, Mr. Sark.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. - ROTUNDA
SYDNEY: We know the frequency Ryan broadcast his initial communique over, right?
JACK: Yes, we intercepted it.
SYDNEY: Then to get Sark on the plane, all we have to do is put out a communique from Ryan to the Covenant which details the terms he just laid out.
JACK: If we can make Sark believe this is a way to acquire Ryan's new technology, he may bite.
DIXON: How much time before he sets off the next bomb?
VAUGHN: Less than 18 hours.
DIXON: Alright. Get Marshall on the intercept. You work on the communique. Vaughn, I want you on that plane. You played Sark. Your job now is to shadow him.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. - ROME - AIRPORT - PLANE (pushthrough: R[O]ME) Vaughn is on the plane.
SYDNEY: The airline database shows all ticketed passengers have checked in except a Mr. and Mrs. Clyde Broussant.
(cut to a dead couple and Sark taking the man's ticket.)
STEWARDESS: Welcome aboard, Mr. Broussant. Would you care for a glass of wine before takeoff?
SARK: That would be lovely.
VAUGHN: I've got a twenty on our mark.
STEWARDESS: I have your wife on our passenger manifest.
SARK: Yes, she was planning on making the trip, but she wasn't feeling too well. Poor dear. Cheers. (One gets the sense he was being just obnoxious enough to get the Stewardess to move on.)
VAUGHN: Maybe this'll work out after all.
(cut to the Rotunda. Dixon and Jack don't seem so sure.)
Vaughn checks his watch and calls someone.
VAUGHN: Sydney, it's me.
SYDNEY: Has Ryan's contact arrived?
VAUGHN: No, and something tells me he's not going to.
INT. - WAREHOUSE - HOTEL ROOM
SYDNEY: The approach was to be made 20 minutes after takeoff. They have been in the air almost an hour.
RYAN: Tell Mr. Sark to be patient.
Sydney is frustrated and nervous. She tries to force his hand. She offers him a phone.
SYDNEY: Call your partner. Tell him the deal's off.
RYAN: I'm afraid that won't be possible.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. - ROTUNDA.
over comms:
SYDNEY: There is no meeting.
VAUGHN: Ryan made us?
SYDNEY: I don't think so. I don't think there was ever a meeting.
VAUGHN: What, this was staged?
SYDNEY: Yes, the whole thing, just to get Sark on that plane. We're reviewing his psych profile, re-interviewing everyone who might give us some insight, a lead, anything.
JACK: Whatever Ryan's motive, he has presented us with an opportunity we must act on. You are to take Sark into custody. We will have a team in place when you land in Paris.
INT. - PLANE
VAUGHN: I understand.
Vaughn hangs up.
STWEARDESS: Hello.
VAUGHN: Hi. He flashes his badge.
VAUGHN: I'm a federal agent, and there is a suspect I need to take into custody. It has to be done very quietly. Is there a marshal onboard?
STEWARDESS: No, I'm afraid not.
INT. - ROTUNDA
SYDNEY: Is he on the line? Good.
Weiss hand her a phone.
SYDNEY: Tell me about Daniel Ryan.
SLOANE: Yes, I read about what happened in Belfast. That was a terrible tragedy.
SYDNEY: What do you know about him?
SLOANE: Ryan is a freelance supplier of advanced ordinance. He used to be reliably leftist. Supplied Karzais, IRA [cell]s, Batistas. Now he's strictly mercenary.
SYDNEY: What changed?
SLOANE: His brother, Christopher Ryan, he's the political one. They used to work together until, oh, sometime last year. Christopher disappeared. The rumor is the Covenant had him killed.
SYDNEY: The Covenant killed his brother and he still wants to work with them? Is there anything else?
SLOANE: No, I'm afraid that's all I have.
SYDNEY: Thank you.
(cut to a reveal of Barnett in bed next to Sloane)
INT. - ROTUNDA
WEISS: Okay. Ryan's brother? Bad dude. Bombing of the French Embassy in Rabat. Explosion at the marine barracks outside Manila; and the remains of a Russian Generals' compound in Grozny.
JACK: These incidents are all at least two years old. Anything more recent?
WEISS: No, nothing. It's like he disappeared.
A picture of Christopher appears on the screen. Sydney looks worried.
SYDNEY: Sloane was telling the truth. The Covenant did have this man killed. Dad, they had me kill him.
JACK: What?
SYDNEY: During the two years I was missing, when the Covenant tried breaking me down to get me to work for them... when the believed I was ready, they put me to a test.
(Flashbacks of the clips we saw during the Kendall reveal episode.)
SYDNEY: Kendall later showed me a picture of the person he believed they had me kill. He had no identity... until now.
JACK: If what Ryan said is true, that Sark has been promoted to the leadership of the North American cell, killing him on a commercial plane carrying 200 innocent people would be a very public act of revenge.
SYDNEY: Oh my God.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. - PLANE
Vaughn sits next to Sark.
VAUGHN: Cheers.
SARK: Mr. Vaughn. Tell me, you wouldn't happen to known an eight letter word for "arrogant", would you? [speculation is that the implied answer is "American"]
VAUGHN: Do exactly as I tell you, or I'll kill you. They walk toward a lavatory.
VAUGHN: Right here. Get in.
SARK: Doesn't it bother you?
VAUGHN: What's that?
SARK: A bomb-maker arranges for a meeting on a plane and then doesn't show up. I don't know about you, but that concerns me. Vaughn's phone rings. He leaves the lavatory.
VAUGHN: (to a steward) Lock this up. On phone:
SYDNEY: Vaughn, we may have a problem.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. - PLANE - COCKPIT
PILOT: Wait up, an explosive device?
VAUGHN: There may be one onboard. I'm not sure, but you have to land immediately.
VAUGHN: Sydney, what you got?
SYDNEY: The bomb is the size of a CD. It could be anywhere.
VAUGHN: Let's try and figure out how it got onboard. Crew, passenger, maintenance, check the plane's service records for the past week, maybe two, to see if there was anything unscheduled.
SYDNEY: Two days ago. A work order was added for repairs in the electrical current bypass in the cargo hold.
INT. - PLANE - CARGO
SYDNEY: Vaughn, talk to me. What are you looking at.
VAUGHN: You'd better get Marshall on the phone.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. - ROTUNDA
SYDNEY: The son of a b**** lied to us.
JACK: Yes, and we lied to him.
WEISS: Yeah, but the difference is we were trying to save lives.
JACK: Our goals, Mr. Weiss, are far less asymmetrical than we assumed. Clearly Mr. Ryan shares our antipathy for the Covenant.
DIXON: Except he believes we are the Covenant.
JACK: A fact we must disabuse him of immediately. We must reveal ourselves for who we are and take this man into our confidence.
A goon hands Dixon some papers.
DIXON: Alright, we have confirmation from Marseille that airspace has been cleared for an emergency landing in 15 minutes.
SYDNEY: The second demonstration he warned us about, this is it. Ryan must have gameplanned for an emergency landing.
JACK: If we can convince Ryan that Sark is in custody and will be prosecuted, maybe he will deactivate the bomb.
DIXON: Let's do it. Weiss gets off of a phone.
WEISS: That was DGSE. Four mirage fighter jets were just scrambled by the French Air Force.
DIXON: To eyeball only. There will be no shooting, do they understand that?
WEISS: They're confirmed as a flyby, for now.
[SCENE_BREAK]
EXT. - FRANCE - SKY
Visual of fighter jets flying way too low over a city. It's CGI
INT. - PLANE - CARGO HOLD
French pilot can be heard talking about an emergency landing in Marseille.
MARSHALL: Okay. The bomb you recovered in Lisbon may be slightly different than the one you're looking at, but it should be similar enough for me to walk you through this. The bomb makes weird noises.
VAUGHN: What's that?
MARSHALL: W,w, what's what?
VAUGHN: Uh, I dunno. It kindof looks like a thermometer with a metal ring at the top.
MARSHALL: Is the liquid rising?
VAUGHN: Yeah, how do you know?
MARSHALL: It's a barometric sensor. The bomb is triggered by altitude. If the plane keeps descending it'll detonate. Vaughn runs to the cockpit.
STEWARDESS: Excuse me, Sir! You need to...
INT. - PLANE - COCKPIT
VAUGHN: Pull up!
CAPTAIN: Why?
VAUGHN: The bomb is rigged to the altimeter. If we go below 18,000 feet, we're all dead.
CAPTAIN: Marseille approach, this is Nuage 212. We are emergency climb to one-niner-zero.
TOWER: Nuage 212, confirming flight level one-niner-zero.
VAUGHN: How long can we stay up?
CAPTAIN: We've got enough fuel for two hours, maybe two and a half, but that's it.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. - WAREHOUSE - HOTEL
Sydney's no longer in disguise.
SYDNEY: My name is Sydney Bristow. I'm a special agent with the CIA.
RYAN: So today you're CIA. So... Belfast, what was all that?
SYDNEY: Belfast was a con. We wanted you to believe we were Covenant so that we could acquire your new technology. A wall is pulled up. Ryan walks around the warehouse.
RYAN: So this isn't Moscow.
SYDNEY: You're in Los Angeles, and we know you plan on detonating a bomb on Nuage Air 212 as payback for what the Covenant did to your brother. Weiss and Leonid walk up.
WEISS: How're you doing? Ryan looks at Sydney, then at Leonid.
RYAN: And you?
LEONID: I defected two months ago. These are good people, Daniel. You should listen to them.
RYAN: If you want me to believe you're Central Intelligence, you've got to do better than this, a warehouse somewhere.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. - ROTUNDA
Ryan is brought in with a shroud on.
RYAN: Right. Much more convincing.
DIXON: Mr. Ryan. I'm Marcus Dixon, the director of this office. We now know the bomb on Nuage Air 212 is rigged to an altimeter and will detonate if the pilot attempts to land.
DIXON: I am authorized to make the following deal. Disable the bomb, and turn over to us all material and blueprints concerning the creation and production of such bombs. In exchange, no charges will be filed against you.
RYAN: If you really are CIA, then the person I met with wasn't Julian Sark.
SYDNEY: No. He was CIA. He's on that plane. Ryan squints, then looks troubled while he thinks it through.
RYAN: But I told him my associate had worked with him before and could make a visual identification.
RYAN: You put the word out to the real Sark, and let him know there was a meeting. Clever. Full-on genius. Maybe you really are CIA.
JACK: Sark is already in custody. As soon as the plane lands, he will be processed for extradition and prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.
DIXON: The terms of our deal expire in ten seconds. After that, what agent Bristow said is true. You will be tried as an enemy of the State, and executed.
RYAN: ZzzzzzzZzzzzzzZzzzzzz. (shakes slightly)
SYDNEY: You cannot let those innocent people die.
RYAN: My brother was innocent.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. - PLANE - CARGO
VAUGHN: Okay, well how about this. We have to keep the bomb at altitude, right? So why don't we just land at a high-altitude airport?
MARSHALL: The highest altitude airport is in Bangda, Tibet, and that's only 14,000 feet.
MARSHALL: Wait a minute. Wait, wait a minute. We can't get rid of the bomb. We can't diffuse the bomb, but we can trick it.
MARSHALL: Air pressure is the force exerted on a surface by the weight of the air above.
VAUGHN: English, please.
MARSHALL: We need to encase the bomb in an airtight temperature-controlled bubble.
VAUGHN: To fool the bomb into thinking we're still at altitude.
MARSHALL: Right, but the thing is, in order to do any of that, you have to remove it from the fuselage and deactivate the motion sensor.
VAUGHN: Which is what the bomb squad in Belfast was doing when they died.
MARHSALL: Well, yeah.
VAUGHN: Okay. I see four wires leading out from the motion sensor: red, green, yellow, and black.
MARSHALL: Can you see which one is looped to the power source?
VAUGHN: Yeah, the red one.
MARSHALL: The red one. Okay, go ahead and cut that.
Vaughn's about to cut it, and...
MARSHALL: Nonono! wait.
VAUGHN: I hate it when you do that!
MARSHALL: Is there a suppressor on the filament?
VAUGHN: Yeah.
MARSHALL: Then don't cut it, it's a false lead.
VAUGHN: Marshall!
MARSHALL: My bad, sorry. What you need to find is the anti-static wire that runs through the plasma relay. It's probably wrapped in degaussed ceramic fiber.
VAUGHN: No, you have to explain this to me in words I can understand.
MARSHALL: Well, it could look like anything. I mean, there are a million variations. You need to tell me what you're looking at, Vaughn.
VAUGHN: I don't know what I'm looking at!
MARSHALL: Well, you better find somebody that does.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. - ROTUNDA
Sydney approaches Ryan. She pours him some water.
SYDNEY: Thirsty? Ryan shows he's handcuffed to the chair. Sydney gives him some water.
SYDNEY: You're angry. There's a good reason. The Covenant took your brother's life.
RYAN: "Took his life?" What an interesting choice of words. I mean, personally I would have gone for something a little bit more colorful, like um, "murdered". Even that's not... how about, um, "slaughtered"? Yeah, "slaughtered". Try that.
SYDNEY: The Covenant held me captive for almost two years. They did things to me I will never get over. They starved me, subjected me to electroshock, sensory deprivation. They used hypnotherapy, all to convince me I was someone else, an operative they'd created named Julia Thorne. Ryan does the squint thing again.
SYDNEY: I'm telling you this. It may not change anything, but you need to know that I understand what it is like having the Covenant take away people you love. They are evil, evil people. The thing is, I was luckier than you. The man I love, the Covenant didn't murder him. He's on that plane.
SYDNEY: Like I said, me telling you this may not change anything, but I swear to you if you disable that bomb I will not rest until the Covenant pays for what they've done to us. Please, I beg you. Don't do this.
[SCENE_BREAK]
EXT. - PLANE
INT. - PLANE - CARGO
VAUGHN: Alright, I've got Sark. Talk him through it.
MARSHALL: Wait a minute, Sark as in Mr. Sark?
SARK: I understand we're looking for a degaussed ceramic fiber.
MARSHALL: That's right.
SARK: It's quite clear Mr. Ryan has applied the b-something-n variation.
MARSHALL: Cool. Can you splice it?
SARK: I could, but the dummy wire's fixed to a suppressor. I'll have to ground it first.
SARK: (to Vaughn) You're clear.
Vaughn cuts the sensor.
VAUGHN: Alright, we have to find something airtight to put it in. They rummage through some luggage. Of course, Sark finds a knife in a tackle box. Vaughn finds a cooler.
VAUGHN: This should do it.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. - ROTUNDA
SYDNEY: He needs a phone.
DIXON: To call who?
RYAN: The bomb, specifically a pager. The bombs are wired with a remote access protocol. I need to dial in, then enter a deactivation sequence.
Dixon looks at Jack, Jack nods slightly.
DIXON: (cell) This is Director Dixon. Get me a secure line.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. - PLANE - CARGO
Vaughn takes the bomb off the fuselage.
SARK: Keep it steady. They put it in the cooler and start wrapping it with tape. The phone rings.
INT. - ROTUNDA
SYDNEY: Listen, Vaughn, we may have a way out of this.
RYAN: five-nine-four...
SYDNEY: How will they know when the bomb has been deactivated?
RYAN: The red light on the detonator will turn green.
RYAN: four-seven-seven...
INT. - PLANE - CARGO
SYDNEY: Vaughn, watch the light on the detonator. It should change color.
VAUGHN: Got it.
INT. - ROTUNDA
RYAN: four-five-nine...
RYAN: And now punch in eleven twenty-four. My brother's birthday.
SYDNEY: Vaughn, what's going on?
INT. - PLANE - CARGO
VAUGHN: Nothing, it's still red.
The bomb LED displays 5:00 and starts counting down. Sark looks shocked. Vaughn looks frightened.
INT. - ROTUNDA
VAUGHN: Syd, he screwed us.
Sydney looks at Ryan. She's rather upset.
INT. - ROTUNDA - MARSHALL'S OFFICE
The bomb beeps and whirrs.
MARSHALL: Oh my God. Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God. He keeps saying this as he trips over a chair on his way out.
MARSHALL: Oh. Damn it.
INT. - ROTUNDA
MARSHALL: Okay, first of all, I didn't touch anything. I swear. But the bomb's been activated.
JACK: We know. We just spoke to Vaughn.
MARSHALL: No, not on the plane, in my office. The bomb in my office has been activated.
Jack jerks his head toward Ryan looking for an explanation.
RYAN: Ivana Pannich, my former handler, confessed to me on the day before I was killed that my brother had been murdered by the Covenant, and that it was a test of loyalty for a woman named Julia Thorne. Jack looks at Sydney, as if to say "What were you thinking telling him that?"
RYAN: You killed my brother.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. - ROTUNDA
Dixon's talking to a Rotunda guard.
DIXON: Establish a back-up connection with Langley. I want all non-essentials removed... now. We have three minutes to reach a safe distance. I want this to be smooth and orderly.
INT. - ROTUNDA - MARSHALL'S OFFICE
MARSHALL: If the bombs were activate by a phone call, the detonator must be on a cellular network. If I can just find the right signal, I might be able to reverse engineer the deactivation protocol and shut down both bombs.
SYDNEY: How much time?
VAUGHN: Three and a half minutes.
INT. - ROTUNDA - CONFERENCE ROOM
JACK: I'll oversee transport of the prisoner. Dixon needs your help evacuating the Rotunda. Now.
Two guards leave.
RYAN: Don't tell me. We've come to the point where you coerce me into cooperating.
JACK: Not exactly. Jack strangles him. Sydney sees what's going on from Marshall's office and heads to the conference room.
JACK: In seven seconds, you'll begin to see spots.
JACK: You think it's a white light? Well I'm here to tell you the last words I want you to hear, ever. There is no white light. Not for people like you. He passes out. Sydney rushes in.
SYDNEY: God, what have you done?
JACK: Get the defibrillator. Hurry. I put it outside the door.
JACK: He thinks he was prepared to die. We'll see about that. Charge it at 200.
SYDNEY: You've got to start at 150.
JACK: No time for that. 200, now! Jack injects him with epinephrine.
SYDNEY: One... two... three... (shock)
SYDNEY: One... two... three... (shock again) Ryan gasps as his heart starts beating again.
JACK: You give us the code that disarms both bombs, or we do that all over again. Both bombs. Ryan nods weakly.
INT. - ROTUNDA - MARSHALL'S OFFICE
SYDNEY: Vaughn, we have the code.
VAUGHN: Only ten seconds left.
Marshall types in the code. The bomb stops with 00:01 to go.
SYDNEY: Did it work?
INT. - PLANE - CARGO
VAUGHN: Yeah, it worked.
SARK: That's impressive.
INT. - ROTUNDA - MARSHALL'S OFFICE
Marshall does his best impression of a football referree indicating a field goal. It's not a very good one.
INT. - PLANE - CARGO
Sark stabs Vaughn with the knife. Vaughn manages to knock Sark out and puts handcuffs on him.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. - ROTUNDA
DIXON: French DGSE have Sark in custody. They're coordinating with our State department on extradition proceedings.
SYDNEY: Is Vaughn overseeing?
DIXON: No, he's already boarded a plane back to the U.S. We expect him soon.
Ryan's being escorted somewhere by some guards. Jack and Sydney look at him, troubled. Ryan doesn't look happy.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. - ROTUNDA - GARAGE
(music: Rosie Thomas "All My Life"
Sydney walks out to her car. She stops at her car, crying. Another car pulls up. It's Vaughn. They embrace. | Plan: A: Sydney; Q: Who did The Covenant turn into Julia Thorne? A: bomb maker Daniel Ryan; Q: Who does Sydney and Vaughn have to convince that they are part of The Covenant? A: the bomb; Q: What does Daniel Ryan want to sell to The Covenant? A: a suicide mission; Q: What does Sydney discover that her ties to the bomber could lead him to? A: public; Q: Where did Daniel Ryan detonate his bomb? A: his skills; Q: What is Daniel Ryan trying to advertise? A: Lysanker; Q: Who gave the CIA information about Daniel Ryan? A: a Moscow hotel; Q: What did the CIA recreate to convince Ryan that they were The Covenant? A: the deal; Q: What does Ryan agree to when he believes he is dealing with The Covenant? A: the information; Q: What does Ryan demand to be provided only to Sark on a scheduled airline flight? A: the contact; Q: What did not happen that led to the CIA investigating Ryan? A: the murder; Q: What did Sydney do to Ryan's brother? A: Full Disclosure; Q: What episode of Homeland explains the test of loyalty? A: A bomb; Q: What is found on board the plane carrying Vaughn and Sark? A: land; Q: What does the bomb on the plane activate if it descends to? A: their identity; Q: What does the CIA reveal to Ryan? A: a pager code; Q: What does Ryan supply to disarm the bomb? A: the CIA office; Q: Where is the second bomb that is supposed to detonate? A: detonation; Q: What does the bomb on board the plane have 5 minutes until? A: a deactivation code; Q: What does Jack coerce Ryan into providing? A: both bombs; Q: What is stopped with one second remaining? Summary: Sydney and Vaughn must convince bomb maker Daniel Ryan that they are part of The Covenant in order to find out where he has hidden one of his devices. But Sydney discovers that her ties to the bomber could lead him on a suicide mission. Daniel Ryan, former bomb disposal expert, has created a bomb and detonates it in public to advertise his skills and prove that the bomb cannot be disarmed. He is willing to sell the bomb to The Covenant. Based on information from Lysanker, the CIA captures Ryan, under the guise of representing The Covenant. They reproduce a Moscow hotel in order to convince Ryan that he is dealing with The Covenant. Ryan agrees to the deal, but demands that the information be provided only to Sark on a scheduled airline flight. When the contact does not eventuate, the CIA investigates Ryan and discovers that The Covenant had killed his brother. It was Sydney who had performed the murder, during a test of loyalty (explained in Full Disclosure, episode 11). A bomb is then discovered on board the plane carrying Vaughn and Sark which will activate if the plane descends to land. The CIA reveal their identity to Ryan but he refuses to help. Sydney sympathizes with Ryan, explaining that The Covenant also stole a part of her life when turning her into Julia Thorne. Ryan then agrees to disarm the bomb, supplying a pager code. However, this actually activates the timer of the bomb on board the plane, together with one held in the CIA office, with only 5 minutes until detonation. Ryan explains that he knows it was Julia Thorne who killed his brother. Jack manages to coerce Ryan into providing a deactivation code and both bombs are stopped with one second remaining. |
[EXT. VARIOUS LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) -- NIGHT]
(Sirens wail in the distance.)
[INT. UNKNOWN PLACE - NIGHT]
(ERNIE MENLO sits in the chair in the center of the darkened room. In front of him stands two men - one holding a bright light on him, the other interrogates him.)
Interrogator: I'm going to make this really simple. Who are you working with?
Ernie Menlo: I'm, uh, unemployed at the moment.
Interrogator: You got any idea what we did to chumps like you back in the day?
Ernie Menlo: (swallows and tugs at his collar) Uh, no. Look, could you put the A.C. on in here or somethin'? That, or just, uh, let me go. I mean, you can't keep me in here. It's against the law.
Interrogator: There's no law in this room.
(He looks at both his interrogators.)
Ernie Menlo: (scared) You can't touch me.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[EXT. NEON GRAVEYARD -- NIGHT]
(Camera swoops down to show ERNIE MENLO'S dead body at the base of the "W" in the WHISKEYTOWN letter sign.)
[EXT. NEON GRAVEYARD - NIGHT - LATER]
(BRASS, GRISSOM and CATHERINE stand around the body.)
Brass: Two shots to the back of the head. Double tap.
(GRISSOM shines his flashlight on the wound at the back of the victim's neck.)
Grissom: He's wearing a wig and a fat suit. It's not Halloween, is it?
Catherine: In this town, it's always Halloween.
(BRASS picks up the NEVADA DRIVER'S LICENSE. It reads:
MENLO, ERNIE
2974 WESTFALL AVE
LAS VEGAS, NV
LIC# 64836483749
EXPIRES: 06-29-2009
Brass: "Ernie Menlo." (BRASS waves a bill in the air.) Well, he wasn't carrying a very "fat" wad.
Catherine: Rolex is still on his wrist. Probably rules out robbery. (She looks at GRISSOM.) What do you think?
Grissom: I don't know.
(GRISSOM turns around and looks at the various signs abandoned and thrown away littering the area.)
Grissom: I'm looking for a sign.
CUT TO END OF TEASER ROLL TITLE CREDITS
[SCENE_BREAK]
[EXT. NEON GRAVEYARD -- DAY]
(CATHERINE is on the phone. A distance away behind her, GRISSOM is with DAVID PHILLIPS near the victim's body at the base of the "W".)
Catherine: (to phone) He's not in the system? (pause) Yeah ... gotta be. (pause) Okay. Thanks.
(CATHERINE hangs up the phone and turns to GRISSOM.)
Catherine: So, uh ... Brass ran the ID. There's no "Ernie Menlo" in the system. Fake.
Grissom: GSR in the wound track. No stellate tearing. Gunshots appear to be close range, but non-contact.
(GRISSOM bags the wig.)
David Phillips: No exit wounds.
(CATHERINE looks around the area.)
Catherine: Well, I don't see any shell casings either. So maybe the killer picked them up.
Grissom: (shrugs) Professional hit?
(CATHERINE nods, then steps away a bit and looks at the ground.)
(DAVID picks up the victim's hand to show the lacerations on his knuckles.)
David Phillips: Major fractures and lacerations on his hands.
Grissom: Lividity's consistent with body position. I don't think it was a body dump.
Catherine: So either he walked in or he got a ride. Either way, this gravel and glass makes good evidence.
(She indicates the fragments on the ground.)
Grissom: I'll go ahead and bag a sample.
(CATHERINE takes the camera and walks away to look around the area.)
(GRISSOM opens an evidence bag.)
(CATHERINE walks a distance further and lifts the camera to snap more photos of the tire tracks in the dirt.)
(She stands near the HORSESHOE sign and looks out at the tire tracks of a vehicle that turned around by backing up.)
(As she stands there, she envisions the vehicle backing up, shifting gears, then driving off. The vision ends.)
(CATHERINE takes out a tape measure and measures the tire marks. GRISSOM checks the victim's shirt pocket and finds a receipt folded inside. He opens it and reads it:
RAMPART CASINO
221 NORTH RAMPART BLVD.
LAS VEGAS, NV 89145
Federal Identification Number: 88-0513636
WINNER'S Name: ERNIE MENLO
2974 WESTFALL AVE
LAS VEGAS, NV 89156
Grissom: "Rampart Casino." Well, his day started out good. He won $436,278.
David Phillips: Rampart's always been lucky for me.
Grissom: So where is this money?
(GRISSOM turns and walks away from DAVID PHILLIPS.)
(CATHERINE finishes measuring the tread markings on the ground. She closes the tape measure. GRISSOM walks up to her.)
Catherine: I found some tire treads. I think the vehicle was making a three-point turn.
Grissom: And it seems that robbery may be a motive after all.
(CATHERINE takes off her sunglasses as she looks at the receipt in GRISSOM'S hand.)
1 Gross Winnings: $436,278.00
3 Type of wager: Roulette
5 Transaction: 79362
Catherine: Wow!
(She notes the other information: PAYER'S name, Street address, City, state
RAMPART CASINO
221 NORTH RAMPART BLVD
LAS VEGAS, NV 89145
Federal identification number: 88-0513636
Catherine: "Rampart." Guess I'll go check that out.
Grissom: You can't. We found the body under the WHISKEY TOWN sign and the guy just cleaned out the Rampart Casino.
Catherine: Coincidence.
Grissom: Even if it is, they're still Sam Braun's casinos.
Catherine: Why is that a problem?
Grissom: He's your father. You can't be on this case.
Catherine: Gil ...
Grissom: Catherine, you have to go home.
(CATHERINE hands GRISSOM the tape measure and the camera. She turns and leaves.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) -- DAY]
[INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY -- DAY]
(SARA, WARRICK and DAVID PHILLIP work on the victim's body.)
(Camera view down on ERNIE MENLO'S body on the autopsy table. He's still in the fat suit.)
(SARA picks up something off of his forehead and puts it in a clean envelope.)
(DAVID PHILLIPS puts the victim's clothes in a package. WARRICK works on the victim's lacerated hand. SARA removes the rolex watch. She looks at it. It's 9:41 am.)
Sara: No ticks. It's authentic.
(She flips the watch over and looks at the back.)
Sara: Logo sticker isn't worn down. Watch could be new.
Warrick: Guy hits the jackpot, has to celebrate. Goes and buys some bling-bling to impress the strippers with.
(DAVID lifts up the body's foot and sees the holes in the sock's heels.)
Warrick: What have you got?
(WARRICK and SARA both look at the feet.)
Warrick: Air conditioned socks.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - NIGHT]
Lyric: ... I can hear the sound of violins
[INT. RAMPART CASINO - MAIN FLOOR - NIGHT]
(The floor is crowded as people play at the tables.)
Croupier: Insurance?
Lyric: Long before it begins ... dealer wins.
Croupier: Craps.
(The players sitting around the table groan.)
Croupier: Seven!
(The players groan.)
(The roulette wheel turns
Croupier: Twenty-four is even.
(The game ends and the players stand for the next people.)
(GRISSOM stands in the middle of the main floor and looks around the room. He notes the cameras high up in the ceiling. BRASS walks up to him.)
Brass: So, I talked to the pit boss who signed the vic's W-2. He was pulling surveillance. He remembers the big winner.
(GRISSOM doesn't say anything. SAM BRAUN makes his way through the crowd toward GRISSOM and BRASS.)
Brass: Sam Braun! What a surprise!
Sam Braun: The fat kid ... he was cheating.
Brass: What do you do about it?
Sam Braun: Well, we had a little chat. I didn't kill him.
Grissom: Did you take him to the box?
Sam Braun: Gentlemen, these days, we call it "The Holding Room".
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. RAMPART CASINO - HOLDING ROOM - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS]
(The door to the holding room opens. SAM BRAUN flicks the lights on and GRISSOM walks in. He looks around.)
Grissom: Smells like the cleaning crew just left.
(GRISSOM sets his kit down on the floor.)
Sam Braun: Security brought the kid down here around 2:00 A.M. I came in. We talked. He walked out around three.
[SECURITY CAMERA VIEW]
(SAM BRAUN walks over to the camera as GRISSOM stands up. The camera reads: 05-13-04 1:32 pm. SAM BRAUN points to the camera.)
Sam Braun: It's all in there.
Grissom: Well, good. We'll look at the tapes a little later.
[RESUME VIEW: HOLDING ROOM]
(GRISSOM points to the light switch.)
Grissom: Would you turn off the lights, please?
(SAM BRAUN turns around and flicks the lights off.)
Sam Braun: It's well within my rights to have a discussion with anyone in my place.
(GRISSOM uses the ALS on the walls.)
Sam Braun: The kid was cheating. I wanted to know how.
(Quick flashback to: [HOLDING ROOM] SAM BRAUN talks with ERNIE MENLO.)
Sam Braun: Nobody wins 400k at roulette. What's your system?
Ernie Menlo: Clean living... good karma. But either you call the cops and book me now, or I'm out of here.
Sam Braun: You're no longer welcome at the Rampart.
Ernie Menlo: Awesome. Okay, I'll take my money and go.
(ERNIE stands up to leave.)
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
(GRISSOM continues to ALS the room.)
Sam Braun: Do you have any idea the house advantage in roulette?
Grissom: Five point two six percent. Albert Einstein had a theory about roulette. He said the only way to win at roulette is to steal the money from the table when the croupier isn't looking.
Sam Braun: There's always someone looking.
(GRISSOM kneels down to look under the table.)
Grissom: Well, maybe it was an inside job, Sam. Maybe somebody bought off one of your guys.
(SAM smiles as he reads GRISSOM.)
Sam Braun: I'm curious. What bothers you more? The fact that you couldn't pin a murder on me or that Catherine cashed my check?
(GRISSOM stops what he's doing and slowly stands up to look at SAM BRAUN.)
Sam Braun: There were no strings on that money.
(GRISSOM takes off his glasses.)
Grissom: Just because you can't see something doesn't mean it's not there.
Sam Braun: (shrugs) Believe whatever you like. That kid walked out of here with my money. If you figure out how he ripped me off, would you let me know?
(SAM turns and leaves the room; GRISSOM watches him leave.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY]
(ROBBINS examines ERNIE MENLO'S feet as WARRICK watches.)
Robbins: For what it's worth, these bruises correspond to the holes in his sock.
(ROBBINS walks around the body toward the head-side of the table.)
Warrick: Well, he's been worked over pretty good. He's got a nice fat lip.
Robbins: Yeah. (ROBBINS reaches out and pulls the lower lip out to look inside.) There was a good clot in the wound, and the tissues were contused. I'd say it occurred at least an hour or two before death. I teased out a couple of small-caliber projectiles from his brain.
(He holds out the bullets. He gives them to WARRICK.)
Robbins: One was embedded in the right frontal cortex. The other lodged in the first cervical vertebra.
Warrick: It's copper-washed lead. Must be a .22.
Robbins: You know, historically, .22s were the hit man's bullet of choice.
(Quick CGI POV: The gun shot sounds and the bullet hits the brain and swishes around inside.)
Robbins: (V.O.) They have the energy to enter into the cranial vault, but not enough to exit, so they just ricochet around inside, shredding the gray matter until they stop.
(End of CGI POV. Resume to present.)
Warrick: Nice.
Robbins: There's also extensive crush injury to both hands, with fractures of the metacarpals and the phalanges.
(ROBBINS picks up the body's wrist to show WARRICK the knuckles.)
Robbins: Bruises appear perimortem.
Warrick: Any idea what might have caused that kind of damage?
(ROBBINS indicates the x-rays up on the view box behind WARRICK who turns around to look at them.)
Robbins: Given the fracture pattern, I'd guess it was some sort of blunt object.
Warrick: Maybe a ball peen hammer.
Robbins: What gets you to that?
Warrick: They used to tell me back in the days, the first time you got caught cheating, they'd give you a couple whacks on the hand with a ball peen hammer.
Robbins: Ow.
Warrick: The second time, you'd lose a limb.
Robbins: Third time?
Warrick: A long walk in the desert with a shovel.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. CSI -- LAB]
(WARRICK takes out the victim's shoes from the package to look at them. On the underside of the shoe, he finds pieces of color glass shards embedded in the rubber.)
(He looks inside the shoe and finds an elaborate series of buttons and electronic switches. Camera zooms in to give us a nice view of the electronics. It ends on the Energizer battery inside the shoe.)
(WARRICK pulls the slip in out of the shoe.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. CSI -- STAIRS]
(GRISSOM walks down the stairs as WARRICK fills him in.)
Grissom: A computer in his shoe.
Warrick: As far as I could tell, it's a wireless receiver. It picks up a signal, solenoids drive the points up against the guy's foot, tells him what number to bet.
Grissom: Based on what?
Warrick: I don't know. Archie's working on it right now.
Grissom: Well, if our vic was the receiver, there has to be a transmitter.
(SARA steps out of the lounge and joins them.)
Sara: Hey, I got an ID on our vic. (She looks down at the papers in her hands.) A Teddy Keller. Everyone who buys a rolex gets registered at the point of purchase. So I ran the serial number. He bought the watch at the forum shops two days ago. And I got his home address.
Grissom: Well, his driver's license was fake, so, this could be fake, too.
Sara: A fake ID is for scamming a casino. A baller puts his real name on a roley.
(GRISSOM turns and gives SARA a look, surprised by what he just heard. She shrugs it off and waves the papers in her hand toward WARRICK.)
Sara: What? He rubs off.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[EXT. KELLER'S APARTMENTS - POOLSIDE -- NIGHT]
(MR. GREEN, the landlord, shows BRASS and WARRICK to the apartment.)
Joseph Greene (landlord): Teddy Deller. That's apartment 27. Is he in some kind of trouble? Hey, John.
(He greets the MAN walking by off screen.)
John: (o.s.) Hey, Mr. Green.
(They continue walking.)
Brass: When was the last time you saw him?
Joseph Greene (landlord): I don't know. He's got a roommate -- Davis Mullins. Oh, yeah, they eat a tremendous amount of pizza. (They start up the stairs.) Tremendous amount of pizza and calzone. I feel like bopping that delivery guy every time he buzzes the gate.
(They reach the apartment door at the top of the stairs.)
Joseph Greene (landlord): Here we are.
(He knocks on the door.)
Joseph Greene (landlord): Anybody home?
(There's no answer. He knocks again.)
Joseph Greene (landlord): Hello?
Brass: I guess the roommate's out, huh?
(MR. GREEN uses the key and unlocks the door. He opens the door and they walk inside.)
[INT. KELLER'S APARTMENT #27 - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS]
(WARRICK and BRASS walk into the apartment and look around. The LANDLORD steps out of the apartment.)
Warrick: It's freezing in here.
(In the center of the living room, a huge roulette wheel and table has been set up.)
Warrick: Get a load of this wheel. It's regulation. These things run about 1,500 bucks.
Brass: Well, they cleared almost half a mil. It's a good investment.
Warrick: Yeah.
(BRASS turns to look at the rest of the apartment. WARRICK notes the various colored and numbered charts hanging on the wall.)
Warrick: These guys definitely had a system.
(BRASS opens the bedroom door and looks inside.)
Brass: Hey, Rick, you might want to check this out.
(WARRICK turns and heads for the bedroom. On the floor at the foot of the bed, they find a dead body.)
Warrick: Looks like the roommate's home after all.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. KELLER'S APARTMENT #27 - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS]
(DAVID PHILLIPS moves the head to check the fatal wounds. WARRICK snaps a photo.)
Warrick: Two taps to the head. Deja vu.
(DAVID PHILLIPS continues to attend to the body. In the back of the room, BRASS opens the closet door and checks the clothes on the hangers inside. On the closet shelf, he finds wigs, hats and various make-up applications.)
Brass: These guys liked to play dress-up.
Warrick: You find any shoes back there?
(BRASS looks in the closet floor and not finding any, turns and checks out the room.)
Brass: I'm looking.
(BRASS walks over to the table with the make-up and prosthetics on the tabletop.)
(WARRICK continues to look at the evidence near the body.)
Warrick: Blood smear here.
David Phillips: Maybe the killer tried to clean up.
(WARRICK snaps a photo.)
Warrick: That's ridiculous. Why bother?
David Phillips: Okay.
Warrick: Have a distinctive white mark on his right shoulder.
(WARRICK raises his camera and snaps another photo.)
Warrick: What do you make of that?
David Phillips: You already shot me down once.
Warrick: Look, uh, it could be right.
David Phillips: Thanks.
Warrick: Can you make sure that gets to trace?
David Phillips: Yeah. Sure.
(WARRICK stands up and walks over to BRASS who has just picked up an electronic shoe slip-in.)
Warrick: Hey, what're you doing, touching that? You got gloves?
Brass: Relax. I got it covered. Hey, Rick, remember the time you said you could get a print off of air?
Warrick: Yeah.
Brass: Check this out.
(He turns the shoe slip-in and the camera goes in for a close-up of the fingerprint on the clear plastic covering.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[EXT. KELLER'S RESIDENCE - NIGHT]
(GRISSOM slowly walks down the stairs just outside apartment #27. He checks the steps carefully. He follows the dirt smudges down to the ground floor, past the pool and to the officer standing in front of the stairs going down to the building. He looks at the officer standing in his path and the officer steps aside.)
(GRISSOM continues following the dirt smudges down the steps to the basement. When he reaches the bottom, he finds it: The blue and red glass. He kneels down to look at it and smiles.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[EXT. CITY SIDEWALK -- NIGHT]
(CATHERINE and CHRIS BEZICH walk along the busy sidewalk arm in arm, window shopping along the way.)
Chris Bezich: So you just got the day off? Just ... just like that?
Catherine: Are you complaining?
Chris Bezich: No. You just seem a little pissed off about it. (He glances at her a little embarrassed by his next confession.) I like it.
(CATHERINE smiles.)
Catherine: Hmm.
(She points to the artwork in the window.)
Catherine: You like that?
Chris Bezich: Depends on what you're gonna do with it.
(CATHERINE laughs and looks at him.)
Chris Bezich: Pretty expensive taste for a public servant.
(Behind them, SAM BRAUN walks up to them.)
Sam Braun: She can afford it.
(They both turn, surprised to see him. Each for different reasons. CATHERINE stares at him. CHRIS BEZICH smiles.)
Sam Braun: (to CATHERINE) You going to introduce him?
(He shakes his hand.)
Chris Bezich: Mr. Braun. Chris Bezich. It's a pleasure to meet you. Your hosts, they-they send a lot of your whales to my club, Acid Drop.
(SAM'S attention is on CATHERINE.)
Sam Braun: (not really paying attention) That's great.
Catherine: (to CHRIS) Uh-uh. Just give us a minute.
Chris Bezich: Okay.
(CATHERINE and SAM BRAUN step aside.)
Catherine: What do you want?
Sam Braun: Mugs, I heard you had some time off because of me.
Catherine: I could get fired for even having this conversation.
Sam Braun: Relax. Vegas is a small town. I'm always running into people I know.
(CATHERINE sighs heavily.)
Catherine: Just cut to the chase, Sam.
Sam Braun: Some people in this town think I'm a murderer.
Catherine: Some people in this town know you're a murderer.
(SAM puts a hand on CATHERINE'S shoulder. CHRIS sees this and walks toward them, his face serious.)
Sam Braun: (insistent) I did not kill those kids. I did not!
Catherine: (interrupts) Kids? How do you know there's more than one?
Chris Bezich: (concerned) Cath ...
(CATHERINE stops and turns away.)
Catherine: I'm fine.
(SAM'S hand is still on CATHERINE'S shoulder.)
Sam Braun: (over his shoulder to CHRIS) You're not impressing her. I'll be in touch.
(SAM steps away toward his limo. CATHERINE and CHRIS watch as he gets in. The door slams shut behind him. The limo moves away.)
(CATHERINE takes note of the tires as it reverses to turn around.)
(The limo drives away.)
Chris Bezich: (o.s.) So. You and Sam Braun ...
Catherine: He slept with my mother.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. CSI - TRACE LAB -- NIGHT]
[SCOPE VIEW: COLORED GLASS]
(DAVID HODGES explains the composition of the glass as GRISSOM looks through the scope at the shards.)
David Hodges: The glass fragments you found at the apartment building are primarily lead-based. Different curvatures and textures with traces of florescent powder, phosphorous and mercury.
Grissom: Neon glass.
David Hodges: I checked out that graveyard once. Pretty interesting.
Grissom: The comparison?
David Hodges: Your sample's consistent with the glass collected from the first crime scene.
Grissom: See? That connects the two murders. We've got a timeline.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. CSI - LOCKER ROOM - NIGHT]
(SARA turns the corner and walks into the locker room. She finds NICK sitting on the bench reading a letter.)
Sara: Hey.
(NICK looks up at her.)
Nick: Hey.
(SARA opens her locker as NICK goes back to looking at his letter. He puts the letter down, thinking about it. SARA notices that he's troubled about something.)
Sara: Everything okay?
(NICK raises the letter.)
Nick: This is about the key CSI position. Grissom recommended me.
(The look on her face freezes. It takes a beat, then she smiles.)
Sara: Congratulations.
(NICK tucks the letter back into its envelope and stands up to get ready for his shift.)
Nick: It's not necessary. Position was cut. Budget had room for the new promotion or a new qiagen, bio robot ez-1. Greg will be thrilled.
(As he talks, SARA'S lost in her thoughts. NICK checks his weapon and tucks it in his side.)
Sara: (less than enthusiastic) Yeah.
(NICK shuts his locker door, turns and glances at SARA before heading for the door.)
Nick: Oh, well, it's just an honor to be nominated, right?
(NICK leaves the room. SARA'S left standing in the locker room alone.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. CSI - LAB - NIGHT]
(WARRICK talks as GRISSOM examines the electronic shoe device.)
Warrick: Grissom, I have been in Vegas my whole life. I've known guys who counted cards, hedged bets, crushed a poker table with a lowball pair. I've seen guys beat the house with their hands ... but never with their toes.
(GRISSOM presses the buttons on the transmitter and watches as the three hammers in the shoe pad pop up and down.)
Grissom: Transmitter and receiver.
Warrick: I was reading about these silicon valley types in the '80s called the ... eudaemonic enterprises. Have you heard of them?
Grissom: The Eudaemon. Aristotle's presiding spirit of rationality.
Warrick: They say they figured out a way to beat the roulette wheel. Not through a betting system, but through physics.
Grissom: It's simple in principle.
(GRISSOM gives the roulette wheel a spin and goes into lecture mode.)
Grissom: A fixed mass in a known orbit.
(He tosses the ball onto the wheel and the familiar sound of the ball hitting the wood is heard.)
(Quick flashback to: [TOP VIEW DOWN] of a spinning roulette wheel in the casino.)
Grissom: (V.O.) As long as you can account for all the forces-- air resistance, friction, gravity -- you can land a probe on mars.
(Camera swings around the roulette table and finds the person with the transmitter watching the wheel spin.)
(Camera zooms in on the side of the spinning roulette wheel.)
Warrick: (V.O.) Well, they say that every roulette wheel is a little different. Tilt, wobble, bounce ...
(There are various cuts between the player with the transmitter and the spinning roulette wheel. It's obvious that he's watching the wheel very carefully.)
Warrick: (V.O.) So, the guy with the transmitter does the calibration, clocks the position of the ball, ...
(The roulette wheel slowly comes to a stop. The ball on the wheel very slowly stops in front of the player with the transmitter.)
Warrick: (V.O.) ... hits the switch ...
(Camera zooms down the player with the transmitter down to his toes. The players toes hit the switch.)
Warrick: (V.O.) ... and the computer does the rest.
(The camera continues to travel through the electronics in the shoe device. The lights go on and off.)
Warrick: (V.O.) Plays out the spin in milliseconds, ...
(White flash to: The transmitter sends the signal and the camera travels across the floor past the other players feet.)
Warrick: (V.O.) ... predicts the result, ...
(The signal goes into the receiver in the player's shoe.)
Warrick: (V.O.) ... and then transmits a code to the receiver about where that ball will land.
(The camera travels up and lands on TEDDY KELLER in his wig and fat suit at the other end of the roulette wheel table.)
Player: All right, big money, big money!
(As he stares at the board, the right betting number pads glow. TEDDY reaches forward and starts to place his bets.)
Teddy Keller: $1,000 on four, 22, five and 17.
(Camera close up of the roulette ball on the wheel. The ball stops.)
Croupier: It's number 22.
(The camera moves from TEDDY KELLER to DAVIS MULLINS in the baseball cap with the transmitter. The crowd cheers.)
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Warrick: This setup gives you a 44-percent advantage over the house. For every hundred these guys bet, they're pulling in $2,200 an hour.
Grissom: Nice return. But it's a complicated system.
(NICK walks into the room.)
Nick: Complicated, huh? Maybe for a couple of pizza majors. But not for an electrical engineering grad student. AFIS got a hit on the print off the transmitter in the shoe.
(NICK hands GRISSOM the sheet. It reads:
PUPOSES
ATTN* 182672KUSC-971316502-HOM V
** LVMP RECORD
** LAS VEGAS
** III NEVADA ONLY RECORD
CII/A05309354 DOB/ 07/14/82 s*x/M RAC/CAUCASIAN
HGT/510 WGT/155 EYE/BRO HAI/BRO
NAM/01 LANDERS, SETH
OCCUPATION: STUDENT
CHARGES: FRAUD CHARGES-
NRS205.463
OBTAINING AND USING PERSO--
OF ANOTHER PERSON TO HAR--
Nick: Seth Landers. WLVU. Got busted a few years ago for making fake IDs.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[EXT. LAS VEGAS COMMUNITY (STOCK) - DAY]
[EXT. SIDEWALK -- DAY]
(BRASS runs out of the apartment building and heads for NICK.)
Brass: Seth Landers doesn't have a roommate. No answer at his door. Guy's in the wind.
(He joins NICK and the two of them walk down the sidewalk.)
Nick: Well, If someone hit my boys all mob-style I'd disappear, too, you know?
Brass: Yeah, I guess we're gonna have to do this the hard way. I'll put out a broadcast.
(They stop at the side of the building. BRASS sees something.)
Brass: Wait a minute.
(On the side of the building near the parked cars, BRASS sees a kid fiddling with the lock on his bike. He shouts over to the kid.)
Brass: Hey, kid ... you know Seth Landers?
(The kid turns and looks at BRASS and NICK. He panics and takes off running in the other direction.)
Nick: Uh-oh.
(NICK takes off after him. They run past the building.)
Nick: Stop!
(NICK slowly catches up to the kid. BRASS runs after them. SETH LANDERS turns and glances behind him and finds NICK closer than before. He runs to the fence and grabs it intending to get over it somehow.)
(NICK grabs SETH LANDERS and pulls him down from the fence. SETH LANDERS starts screaming.)
Seth Landers: (desperately) Don't kill me! Don't kill me! Please! I'll do whatever Mr. Braun wants!
(NICK gets SETH LANDERS' arms behind him. BRASS reaches them.)
Seth Landers: (pleading) Please don't kill me! Please!
(BRASS takes over in cuffing SETH LANDERS while NICK takes a breather.)
Brass: Las Vegas police. You Seth Landers?
Seth Landers: Yeah.
Brass: Seth Landers?
Seth Landers: (shouts) Yes!
Brass: Let's go.
(BRASS pulls SETH LANDERS back to the building as NICK watches. NICK takes a breath and follows them.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM -- DAY]
(BRASS and WARRICK interview SETH LANDERS. BRASS paces the floor as WARRICK stands next to the table.)
Brass: Jacking Sam Braun's casino at roulette -- that was gutsy... and smart. And since you weren't the one placing the bet, I guess that makes you the smart one.
Warrick: Your boys right here -- Teddy and Davis, the candid camera.
(WARRICK puts the photos on the table. The first photo is of TEDDY KELLER in the fat suit and wig. The photo is labeled on the bottom: RAMPART HOTEL
01.05.42 05/20/04 CAMERA 247 CASINO SECURITY.)
(The second photo is of DAVIS MULLINS sitting at the roulette table. The bottom of the photo is labeled: RAMPART HOTEL 01:07:56 05/20/04 CAMERA
247 CASINO SECURITY.)
Seth Landers: They came to me. It was their idea.
(WARRICK sits down.)
Warrick: Judging from what we found in your apartment, looks like you made their idea work.
(WARRICK puts another photo of the cluttered workstation on the table in front of )
Seth Landers: I built the computers to put in the shoes. That's all.
Brass: Your partners cleared half a mil on your skills. Dollar signs get involved, things get ugly, huh?
Seth Landers: Scam was 20 to 30k a night, max. We hit Pike's. Next day, Tangiers. Everything was great. We made fifty grand, and then Teddy and Davis got greedy. You can't crush a roulette table like that, and not expect someone to notice.
Warrick: The Tangiers, Pike's, Rampart ... these are all Sam Braun's places. You got something against him?
Seth Landers: No. His casinos are old school. They're low tech. (WARRICK nods in understanding.) There's less interference for my gear.
Warrick: Your gear ... (He looks at the photo of the workstation.) What was your cut?
Seth Landers: I didn't get one. I just got paid for my supplies and my time. That's all.
Warrick: (scoffs) Yeah, picture that!
Seth Landers: It was a challenge. I just wanted to see if I could make it work.
Brass: Any idea where the money is?
Seth Landers: Why don't you ask Sam Braun?
(Quick flashback to: [RAMPART CASINO - NIGHT] SETH LANDERS is at the slot machines when TEDDY KELLER walks into the casino. He walks by.)
(TEDDY KELLER is stopped by a couple of security guards.)
Seth Landers: (V.O.) When they took teddy to the "box," I was sure we were busted.
(DAVID MULLINS stands up and leaves the roulette table. The guards with TEDDY KELLER pass by SETH still at the slot machines.)
Seth Landers: (V.O.) Davis freaked. He split.
(Later, TEDDY KELLER walks out past SETH with the bag of money.)
Seth Landers: (V.O.) And then when he came out with the money, everything was great.
(TEDDY walks by SETH. SETH moves away from his slot machine and follows TEDDY.)
Seth Landers: (V.O.) For about two seconds.
(After a couple of steps, SETH watches as two security guards grab TEDDY KELLER just as he clears the doorway.)
Security Guard: Come on, pal. Let's take a walk.
Seth Landers: (V.O.) They grabbed him and took him outside.
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Seth Landers: That was the last time I saw either one of them.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. CSI - GRISSOM'S OFFICE -- DAY]
(GRISSOM stands in his office, his phone on the floor. He uses his toes and tries to dial. CATHERINE knocks loudly on the door frame as she walks into the office. GRISSOM glances up and continues to dial the phone with his toes.)
Catherine: What are you doing?
Grissom: I'm testing my podiatric dexterity. What are you doing?
Catherine: Uh, you know those tracks that we found at the neon graveyard?
(GRISSOM stops dialing and looks at CATHERINE.)
Grissom: The ones from the case you're not working on?
Catherine: Yeah, those. Sam ... used to be a caddy man. He would drive a new one every year. These days, he's being driven.
Grissom: And you know this because ... ?
Catherine: I saw him. (GRISSOM moves over to the seat behind his desk.) He came to me.
Grissom: And you walked away, I hope.
Catherine: I made him walk away from me. Right into a stretch limo with a big turning radius.
Grissom: That doesn't prove anything. Besides, any evidence that comes from you is tainted.
Catherine: Then have it come from you. Warrant shouldn't be hard to get. Especially if the call comes from someone whose character is above reproach.
(GRISSOM stops and looks at CATHERINE. She makes sure he meets her eyes and her meaning. She turns and leaves the office.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. CSI - GARAGE - NIGHT]
(GRISSOM and SARA are going over SAM BRAUN'S limo, Nevada license # 225-THG.)
(Camera moves around the limo and we see GRISSOM walking along the length of the limo, pulling the tape measure that SARA'S holding down at the other end. He holds a clipboard in his hand.)
(As he measures the distance between the tires, SARA looks up at the side of the limo.)
Sara: Nick said the budget for the promotion was cut.
Grissom: 240 inches-- 20 feet.
Sara: He also said you recommended him.
(SARA lets go of the tape measure. It slides along the length of the limo and snaps back in front of GRISSOM. He looks at her.)
Grissom: I did.
(She turns to look at the tires. GRISSOM clicks his pen open and writes on the clipboard.)
(SARA finds blue glass bits embedded in the tire treads.)
Sara: Possible neon glass fragment.
(She reaches to her kit to get an instrument to take a sample of the glass. GRISSOM walks over to her. She picks off the glass and looks at it. GRISSOM kneels in front of her, his eyes on the fragment in her hand.)
(He looks at SARA. She looks at him.)
(Cut to: [INSIDE THE LIMO])
(The limo door opens on both sides. GRISSOM looks in from the left as SARA crawls into the back of the limo from the right.)
(They both sit on the side seat. SARA sprays the back of the limo as GRISSOM sprays the front.)
Sara: You said you didn't have a problem with me.
Grissom: I don't.
(They continue to spray the seats.)
Grissom: I thought that Nick was the best candidate for the position.
Sara: Why?
Grissom: Because he didn't care whether he got the job or not.
(SARA stops spraying.)
Sara: That's a stupid reason.
(They resume spraying. GRISSOM finds something on the back seat.)
Grissom: We've got blood.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - NIGHT]
[INT. RAMPART CASINO - MAIN FLOOR -- NIGHT]
(BRASS and WARRICK walk through the casino accompanied by other OFFICERS.)
Warrick: Handle your scandal.
(SAM BRAUN turns around and sees them walking toward him.)
Brass: Sam Braun? You're under arrest for the murder of Teddy Keller.
(SAM BRAUN laughs.)
Sam Braun: Is this some kind of joke?
Brass: I'm not laughing.
(SAM turns to the security guard standing next to him.)
Sam Braun: Call my lawyer. This won't take long.
(The SECURITY GUARD turns to make the call. SAM turns to follow the SECURITY GUARD. BRASS stops him.)
Brass: Sam? I'm parked out front.
(SAM laughs as an OFFICER puts his hands behind his back and cuffs him.)
[SLOW MOTION CAMERA]
(BRASS and an OFFICER accompany SAM BRAUN through the main casino floor.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM -- DAY]
(BRASS and GRISSOM interview SAM BRAUN with his LAWYER next to him.)
Lawyer: As much as my client appreciates your flair for the dramatic, the show's over, gentlemen. What do you have?
Grissom: The tire patterns at the scene of Teddy Keller's murder are consistent with the wheel base and turning radius of your client's limousine.
Lawyer: As well as every other limo in Vegas.
Grissom: We also found neon glass embedded in all four tires.
Lawyer: The whole town's a construction site. It's a tenuous link, at best.
Grissom: Well, then ... how did his blood end up in the back of your client's limousine?
(THE LAWYER doesn't say anything.)
Brass: You waited until Teddy cleared the security cameras ...
(Quick flashback to: [BACKSEAT OF LIMO] The door opens and SAM pulls TEDDY KELLER into the back seat with him. The door shuts behind him. SAM back hands TEDDY KELLER in the face causing his nose to bleed. A large splotch of blood falls to the seat.)
Sam Braun: We're not through talking, kid.
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Brass: And then you took him for a ride ... Vegas style. Just like the old days, huh.
(Quick flashback to: [NEON GRAVEYARD - NIGHT]
(They pull TEDDY KELLER out of the limo's backseat.)
Teddy Keller: Please. Please. Let me go.
(The limo door shuts and they lead TEDDY along the neon graveyard.)
Teddy Keller: Please. Please.
(TEDDY'S shirt is opened and the fat suit he's wearing is revealed.)
Sam Braun: Let me show you what I do to cheaters.
Teddy Keller: (screams) No, no!
(They pull TEDDY over to the sign and he shoots him twice in the back of the head.)
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
(SAM leans over and whispers something to his LAWYER. When done, the LAWYER turns, looks, and smiles at BRASS and GRISSOM.)
Lawyer: My client offered the young man a ride home. They stopped briefly at the neon graveyard, where they held a private conversation regarding the ethics of defrauding a casino.
(BRASS chuckles.)
Brass: That must have been some chat. We know he left the casino with the money.
Lawyer: The young man returned the money as a sign of respect for my client and his position in the community.
Brass: I'm sure he did.
(GRISSOM and SAM stare at each other.)
Brass: So, what next? You gonna tell me you're being set up? It happens to you a lot, huh, Sam?
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. RAMPART CASINO - MAIN FLOOR - NIGHT]
(WARRICK uses an ELENCO F-2800 miniature frequency counter and walks through the floor monitoring for frequencies being used.)
(He walks up the stairs to a higher point, turns and looks out at he busy gaming floor.)
(He envisions seeing the frequency sound waves travel across the room.)
(Camera holds on WARRICK.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. CSI - HALLWAY - DAY]
(WARRICK walks through the hallway. DAVID HODGES grabs his test results and exits the trace lab. He heads toward WARRICK.)
David Hodges: Your smudge from that second kid's shirt -- I got a spectral library match to Sherwin-Williams Everclean Interior paint, navajo white.
(WARRICK looks at the results.)
(Quick flashback to: [INT. MULLER'S APT] WARRICK notices the paint on DAVIS MULLEN'S shirt. End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Warrick: Anything distinctive?
David Hodges: I would have mentioned it. Sometimes a paint sample's just a paint sample.
Warrick: Yeah.
(WARRICK enters the lab. GRISSOM'S inside.)
Warrick: You still liking Braun for these murders?
Grissom: Yeah, why? Something change?
Warrick: I'm thinking Seth Landers and his pals had a woody for him. I went back to the Rampart, and I took some electronic noise measurements. The place is a mess of interference. Electronics in old casinos aren't shielded.
Grissom: So, you're saying that the shoe computers would've worked better in one of the new casinos on the strip?
Warrick: Definitely. A kid as smart as Seth wouldn't make a mistake like that.
Grissom: Then it was intentional.
(WARRICK nods.)
Grissom: Maybe personal.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. CSI - LAB]
(WARRICK searches for SETH LANDERS on the computer. The computer beeps and SETH LANDERS' Nevada Driver License appears on screen.)
LANDERS, SETH
247 DUNPHY RD.
LAS VEGAS, NV
LIC # 21256453349
(WARRICK thinks about it and remembers something. He picks up SETH LANDERS' rap sheet. It reads:
DOB: 07-14-82
s*x: M
HGT / 5'10" WGT / 155 EYE/BRN
NAM/01 LANDERS, SETH
CURRENT ADDRESS:
WLVU MESA HALL 6622 NELS-
PREVIOUS ADDRESS:
247 DUNPHY ROAD APT 3
COURT: 02/25/98
NAM: 01
CAMC LAS VEGAS
CNT: 01 #M73118
-ATTEMPTED ...
(Up on screen is the following Nevada Drivers' License Information:
MULLINS, DAVIS
247 DUNPHY RD #27
LAS VEGAS NV 89109
(WARRICK thinks about it and types in another search for: JOSEPH GREENE. He finds the matching address:
GREENE, JOSEPH
247 DUNPHY RD #03
LAS VEGAS, NV 89109
(Camera rises and focuses on JOSEPH GREENE'S DMV photo.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. SMALL STORE / CASINO -- DAY]
(Through the window, we see WARRICK and BRASS walking along the sidewalk toward the small store/casino. We hear the sounds of a small slot machine along with the mutterings of the person playing the machine off screen.)
Joseph Greene: (muttering) (o.s.) Come on, give me something. Somehting, something ... anything ...
(WARRICK and BRASS turn and walk into the small store/casino where they find JOSEPH GREENE playing the slots.)
Brass: So, this is your casino of choice? That's what your tenants said.
Warrick: Sir, could you tell us about Seth Landers?
Joseph Greene: That's my son. Is he okay?
Brass: Let's stop playing dumb, Mr. Greene, huh?
Joseph Greene: Would you mind stepping away from the machine? You're st-staring over my shoulder, you're looking at me. You're jinxing me, and I'm gonna have to ...
(BRASS reaches out and stops JOSEPH GREENE from pulling the slot machine handle.)
Brass: How's that? Is that better?
(They see JOSEPH GREENE'S injury.)
Brass: What happened to your hand?
Joseph Greene: I had an accident a long time ago.
Warrick: Sam Braun do that with a hammer?
Joseph Greene: I'm sorry, I don't know who that person is. (He looks at WARRICK.) Who is that? (He shrugs.) I don't like to talk about my hand, okay?
Brass: Well, that's too bad. 'Cause you know what? Today ... this is your life.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - DAY]
[INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - HALLWAY / WAITING ROOM - DAY]
(The OFFICER escorts SAM BRAUN through the hallway and into the waiting room. They walk past JOSEPH GREENE sitting in the waiting room chair. JOSEPH GREENE turns his head to look at SAM BRAUN. They seat SAM BRAUN a few chairs away from JOSEPH GREENE.)
(They cuff SAM BRAUN to the chair. JOSEPH GREENE can't keep his eyes off of SAM BRAUN. SAM turns and looks at JOSEPH GREENE. Then he turns and looks at BRASS and GRISSOM sitting in the next room staring at them.)
[INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - BRASS' OFFICE - DAY - CONTINUOUS]
(BRASS and GRISSOM watch the two men in the other room.)
Brass: Joe Greene -- aka Joe Landers. They're old friends.
(BRASS steps out of the office and heads for the waiting room.)
Brass: Sorry to break up the reunion, fellas. Mr. Greene ... Mr. Landers ... which is it?
(SAM notices JOSEPH GREENE'S smashed fingers. JOSEPH GREENE moves his hand trying to hide it.)
Joseph Greene: It's Greene.
Brass: Come with me.
(JOSEPH GREENE stands and slowly walks over to the door with BRASS. SAM BRAUN stops him.)
Sam Braun: (calls out) Do your hands hurt when it rains, Joe?
(JOSEPH GREENE stops and turns to look at SAM BRAUN. JOSEPH GREENE turns and looks casually at SAM.)
Joseph Greene: Do I know you?
(JOSEPH GREENE turns his back to SAM BRAUN and continues walking out of the waiting room.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM - DAY - CONTINUOUS]
(BRASS interviews JOSEPH GREENE.)
Brass: The exclusion/exemption clause means you don't get to gamble. Period. Not even the quarter slots at the gas-and-go.
Joseph Greene: Don't you have something better to do? Like find out who murdered those two kids in number 27.
Brass: You got any theories? It was your apartment building. Your son Seth fingered the guy you were sitting next to. A guy you don't know. The guy who put you in the black book.
Joseph Greene: No. The gaming commission put me in the black book.
Brass: Yeah, for cheating, Joe.
Joseph Greene: (chuckles and takes off his glasses) I did not cheat. I did not cheat. I didn't have to cheat. I beat the casinos. I beat 'em, and they ganged up on me, and, uh ... that was it, they didn't want me there anymore.
Brass: No, you beat Sam Braun's casino and he ended your gambling career. You're barred from the casinos for life. That sounds like motive to me.
Joseph Greene: Motive for what, playing the quarter slots?
Brass: Come on.
Joseph Greene: Come on.
(BRASS sits down at the table.)
Brass: Okay, look, here's a quiz. Teddy Keller, Davis Mullins and your son Seth were caught fleecing the Rampart. Now two of 'em are dead.
Joseph Greene: I had no idea what those two boys were doing. But I will tell you this -- I will tell you that my son is a good kid, he's a good boy.
Brass: Then why'd you put him in the middle of your action? Why'd you use him to settle an old score? (sighs) Maybe Sam Braun's innocent. Maybe Seth whacked his partners because he got caught.
Joseph Greene: Stop looking at my son. Stop looking at me, and start looking at Sam.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - DAY]
[EXT. SETH LANDERS' DORM - DAY]
(NICK kneels next to the trash on the ground and snaps photos of the gun.)
Officer Metcalf: Garbage detail called it in. Says they didn't touch it.
Nick: Well, this is Seth Landers' dorm.
(NICK picks up the gun and the shirt it's on. He stands up.)
Nick: There's a lot of garbage build up. When was the last pick-up?
Officer Metcalf: Day before yesterday. End of finals party last night.
Nick: Looks like blood. Let's hope the killer left his DNA behind. .22 revolver, two live rounds, four expended. Should be able to pull some prints off it.
Officer Metcalf: Gun's a relic.
Nick: Doesn't matter if it still works.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. CSI - BALLISTICS LAB -- DAY]
(The gun is fired. Two bullets slowly sink to the bottom of the water tank.)
(NICK retrieves the bullets from the bottom of the tank. He looks at them while WARRICK sits at the table in front of the scope.)
(NICK hands the bullet to WARRICK.)
Nick: There you go.
(WARRICK puts the bullet under the scope and finds a match.)
Warrick: The test fire matches the bullet found in Teddy Keller's body.
Nick: So we've got our murder weapon.
Warrick: Yeah, we found our murder weapon. I don't know the kid thinks up this elaborate scheme to cheat the casinos. Then he kills his partners. But he dumps his gun at his dorm?
Nick: An rg .22. That's not a very bad ass' first weapon of choice.
Warrick: No, it's a small caliber weapon for an up-close-and-personal hit. I don't really see the kid pulling a Gotti.
Nick: Okay, two victims, two taps to the head. But the loads are different.
Warrick: Well, maybe he ran out of ammo. Went back and bought another brand.
Nick: And reloaded, yeah.
Warrick: The bullets that were found in Teddy Keller's skull, were copper washed cci .22s.
Nick: And the two rounds found in Davis Mullins were Remington Brass washed. So, based on the position of the cylinder Remingtons were fired first?
(Quick flashback to: [APARTMENT #27] Close up of the gun cylinder as the chamber moves, advancing to the new bullets. Two gun shots fire. DAVIS MULLINS falls to the ground.)
(Cut to: [NEON GRAVEYARD] Close up of the gun cylinder as the chamber advances to the old bullets. Two gun shots fire. TEDDY KELLER falls to the ground.)
Warrick: But that would mean that Davis Mullins was killed in the apartment before Teddy Keller was killed in the graveyard. The timeline's off.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. CSI - DNA LAB]
(GREG shows GRISSOM his findings.)
Greg: Blood on the shirt is a match to Davis Mullins. Epithelials from inside the shirt belong to Seth Landers.
(GREG watches GRISSOM carefully. GRISSOM looks up from the test results and looks at GREG.)
Grissom: What?
Greg: That means Sam Braun's innocent. This time. Are you disappointed?
Grissom: It's the evidence.
(GRISSOM gets up and heads out of the lab.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. POLICE DEPATMENT - HOLDING CELL - DAY]
(Inside the holding cell, SETH LANDERS sits on the bench. He scrambles to his feet and rushes over to the bars when he sees WARRICK walking toward him.)
Seth Landers: Hey, what's up, man? Am I going to get out of here?
Warrick: No. Where did you go after Teddy Keller was taken?
Seth Landers: You know what, you keep on asking me all these questions, but my lawyer says I'm not even supposed to talk to you.
Warrick: Okay, you don't have to talk to me. But you got to know you're looking at two counts of murder.
Seth Landers: What? I didn't kill anybody. This is crazy.
Warrick: Then talk to me. Tell me what happened. Where did you go? For real.
Seth Landers: I waited outside the casino for an hour. Teddy didn't show up so I went to his place.
(Quick flashback to: [APARTMENT #27] SETH LANDERS walks into the apartment. He's panicking.)
Seth Landers: Davis, where are you, man? Braun got Teddy.
(He rushes through the living room and heads for the bedroom. He sees DAVIS MULLINS on the floor at the foot of the bed.)
Seth Landers: Davis, wake up, man!
(He gets a good look at DAVIS and sees that he's dead. He looks at the blood on his hands and absently wipes them on the front of his shirt. He scrambles to his feet and runs out of the apartment closing the bedroom door on his way out.)
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Warrick: We found the murder weapon that was used to kill your two partners. It was wrapped in your bloody t-shirt. Can you tell me about that?
Seth Landers: I have never used a gun in my life.
Warrick: It was found outside of your campus apartment.
Seth Landers: (shakes his head) That can't be. (WARRICK nods.) Can't be.
Warrick: Unless you clear it up.
Seth Landers: Um ... the rule was that if something went wrong, we were supposed to just go home.
(SETH LANDERS turns and walks back to the bench against the far cell wall. He sits down.)
Seth Landers: Uh... so I found the body, got blood all over my shirt, so... I gave it to my dad. I gave my dad the shirt. He's the one who had the shirt.
(Quick flashback to: [JOE GREENE'S APARTMENT] The door opens and SETH LANDERS runs inside.)
Seth Landers: Dad! Dad!
(He grabs his dad to get his attention. JOE turns around.)
Seth Landers: Davis ... Davis is dead.
(White flash.)
Seth Landers: I think they got Teddy, too. Braun's on to us. What am I going to do?
Joseph Greene: Give me your shirt. Go back to school and lay low.
(SETH LANDERS takes his shirt off and gives it to JOE GREENE. SETH turns and leaves.)
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Warrick: Are you trying to tell me that your own father set you up?
Seth Landers: The truth is, I just wanted him to like me. But I'm not him. You know, I'm never going to be him. Counting cards and the poker face. They say it's a skill, but it's a gift. Till Sam Braun took it away.
Warrick: So you went after Sam Braun to prove something to your old man.
(SETH gets to his feet and walks back to the bars.)
Seth Landers: Yeah. I mean, I went after the whale, but I skinned it. I did what my dad could never do.
(SETH grabs the bars nervously. WARRICK glances down at SETH'S knuckles and sees it clean: no bruises. He looks at SETH.)
Warrick: Does your father own a .22?
(SETH LANDERS stares at WARRICK.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. JOSEPH GREENE'S APARTMENT - DAY]
(Outside the apartment, JOE GREENE stands with OFFICER METCALF. Inside the apartment, WARRICK and GRISSOM search for evidence.)
(WARRICK uses the ALS on the couch and floor.)
Warrick: I got nothing.
(GRISSOM walks over to the washer and checks inside.)
Grissom: Maybe he was expecting us.
Warrick: You think he cleaned up?
(GRISSOM turns around and sees something. He walks over to the wall key hanger and finds some white paint on the leather key ring handle.)
Grissom: Well, if he did ... he missed a spot.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. APARTMENT - DAY]
(Open on the taped up door handle. It twists slowly as the door is opened. GRISSOM and WARRICK walk inside to find the place completely re-painted over, plastic sheeting still hangs from the ceiling.)
(The entire apartment is newly painted white.)
(GRISSOM puts his kit down on the floor.)
Warrick: Nice and new in here.
(In the center of the room, they see the open can of paint.)
Warrick: Sherwin Williams, latex flat. Navajo white. What do you know. (He snaps a photo.) Same as the paint on the shirt.
(While WARRICK takes photos, GRISSOM walks over to the closet and opens it. On the top shelf, he finds a black backpack. He pulls it down from the shelf. WARRICK turns around to see what GRISSOM found.)
Warrick: What's in the bag, "dad"?
(GRISSOM opens the bag and pulls out the stack of bills.)
Grissom: Money from ... the Tangiers ... money from Pike's. Bet there's fifty grand in there.
(WARRICK snaps more photos.)
Grissom: Plus ... what could be paint and blood smears.
Warrick: That blood could match the stains we found on Davis' shirt. I don't understand why he had to kill his kids. They were making a lot of money off of Braun. Dad was getting his revenge.
Grissom: My guess, stopped being about the money.
(Quick flashback to: [APARTMENT] JOE GREENE'S painting the kitchen when his phone rings. He answers it.)
Joe Greene: Yeah.
Teddy Keller: (from phone) Hey, Joe, it's Teddy.
Joe Greene: Oh, hi, Teddy.
Teddy Keller: (from phone) Sam's on to us. He took me to neon graveyard.
Joe Greene: Slow down, slow down.
Teddy Keller: (from phone) I had to give him the money. I thought he was going to kill me.
Joe Greene: Don't move. I'll be there in a minute.
(JOE hangs up and tosses the phone on the counter.)
(Cut to: [APARTMENT #27] DAVIS MULLINS opens drawers and packs quickly.)
(White flash to: JOE GREENE walks into the apartment. He closes the door behind him. DAVIS glances behind him and sees JOE.)
Davis Mullins: Mr. Greene, what's up, man?
(JOE GREENE walks toward him.)
Joe Greene: Hey ... Hey ...
(Cut to: JOE GREENE fires the gun pointed at the back of DAVIS MULLINS' head twice. DAVIS falls forward. JOE reaches out and pulls him to the floor. He gets white paint on the backpack when he does.)
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Warrick: Why settle for the money, when you can frame up your worst enemy for murder.
(Quick flashback to: [NEON GRAVEYARD - NIGHT] TEDDY KELLER paces the roadway as he waits for his ride.)
(The car pulls up.)
Teddy Keller: Hey, what the hell took you so long?
(JOE steps out of the car.)
Teddy Keller: Joe ... Joe we got a problem. Sam ... Sam he ...
(JOE pulls out the gun.)
Joe Greene: Turn around and walk.
(He pushes TEDDY toward the "W".)
(Two gunshots are fired and TEDDY falls to the ground.)
(White flash to: JOE uses the hammer and pounds TEDDY'S knuckles. He pulls TEDDY and rests him on the "W".)
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
(Having worked out the theory, GRISSOM and WARRICK look at each other.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - NIGHT]
[EXT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - PARKING LOT - NIGHT]
(CATHERINE steps out of her vehicle. She walks over to SAM BEAUN'S limo. The back door is open. SAM'S standing at the front of the limo. She walks past the open door and toward SAM.)
Catherine: Sam. Could I buy you some dinner?
Sam Braun: Feeling a little guilty?
Seth Landers: Hey, Sam. (SETH LANDERS stands up out of the back of the limo. CATHERINE turns around.) Where's the ice?
Sam Braun: Next to the tv, kid.
(CATHERINE turns and looks at SAM.)
Sam Braun: You want to catch a cheater -- hire one.
Catherine: Right. He gets to work off his debt.
Sam Braun: On way or another, I always get my money's worth.
(SAM walks past CATHERINE and slips into the back of the limo. The door shuts behind him and the limo drives away.)
(CATHERINE stands in the middle of the parking lot and watches the limo leave.)
FADE TO BLACK | Plan: A: Two; Q: How many young men are found murdered after scamming Sam Braun's casinos? A: Braun; Q: Who does Grissom have a relationship with? A: Grissom; Q: Who refuses to allow Catherine to participate in the case? A: the mystery; Q: What does the team have to solve? A: One; Q: How many of the suspects is the son of a man who was black-listed for cheating years ago? A: Sara; Q: Who finds out that Grissom recommended Nick for the promotion that she wanted? Summary: Two young men are found murdered after scamming Sam Braun's casinos. Because of her relationship with Braun, Grissom refuses to allow Catherine to participate in the case, leaving the rest of the team to solve the mystery. One of the suspects is the son of a man who was black-listed for cheating years ago in Sam Braun's casinos. Sara finds out that Grissom recommended Nick for the promotion that she wanted. |
Prologue: Angel's mansion. The lights are low. The logs in the fireplace are burning steadily. Candles are lit throughout the room. The camera pans across a blanket upon which are the remains of a cozy picnic dinner. Suddenly Buffy hits the floor in front of the fireplace hard on her back. She has her right knee pulled up to her chest. Angel crouches over her, holding himself up with his arms and grinning down at her. She uses her leg to throw Angel over her head. He flips backward and lands flat on his back. Buffy does a kick-up, bringing her up to a standing position, and spins around to face Angel as he gets to his feet. He hesitates for a moment before lunging at her with a wide punch that she easily ducks. She comes up behind him, and he turns around to face her. He tries a left-hand punch, but she inner form blocks it and flies into a half-spinning in-to-out crescent kick. Angel ducks it, but gets knocked off his feet when Buffy keeps on spinning downwards with a back leg sweep, sending him to the floor. She scrambles to grab a baguette from the blanket and rolls toward Angel. She comes up straddling him at the waist and plunges the long, thin loaf at his chest, stopping just short of penetration.
Buffy: Gotcha!
Angel: (defeated) Uhh! Right in the heart.
Buffy: (smiling) Satisfied?
Angel: I'm not sure that's the word.
Buffy: (taken aback) Okay. She sets aside the baguette, stands up and takes a few steps away.
Buffy: I didn't mean 'satisfied' like... He grabs the baguette and gets up also.
Angel: No, I, I wasn't trying to...
Buffy: (awkwardly) 'Cause we're not having satisfaction in the personal sense.
Angel: Of course. (exhales)
Buffy: (smiles) I should go. (walks past him) Giles is...
Angel: (turns with her) ...is waiting for you. (Buffy faces him) I know.
Buffy: (smiling) Thanks. For the workout.
Angel: (nods) Um, am I gonna see you this weekend? You, uh, you-you probably have plans.
Buffy: Right, birthday. Um, actually, I, I do have a thing.
Angel: Oh, a thing. (trying to be cool) A date?
Buffy: (nods) Nice attempt at casual. Actually, I do have a date. (steps closer) Older man. Very handsome. He likes it when I call him 'Daddy'.
Angel: (smiles) Huh, your father. (frowns) It is your father, right? She gives him a big reassuring grin and nods.
Buffy: He's taking me to the ice show. (Angel sighs with relief) Which should be big fun. I could use a little fun.
Cut to the library. Buffy is sitting at the table while Giles dangles a pink crystal in front of her. She plays with a long, thin, translucent one. There is a rather large collection of crystals of various colors, shapes and sizes on the table.
Giles: This one?
Buffy: Amethyst.
Giles: Used for?
Buffy: Breath mints? (looks up at him)
Giles: (exasperated) Charm bags, money spells, and for cleansing one's aura.
Buffy: Okay, so how do you know if one's aura's dirty? Somebody come by with a finger and write (gestures with her crystal) 'wash me' on it? Giles sets down his crystal, takes off his glasses and props his arms on the table, leaning toward Buffy.
Giles: (seriously) Buffy, I'm aware of your distaste for studying vibratory stones, but since it is part of your training, I would appreciate your glib-free attention.
Buffy: Sorry. It's just with Faith on one of her unannounced walkabouts, I feel like somebody should be patrolling.
Giles: (looks over the crystals) Well, Faith is not interested in proper training, so I must rely on you to keep up with yours.
Buffy: I hate being the good one.
Giles: And as for patrolling, well, you'll be there soon enough. (suddenly curious) Why so anxious?
Buffy: I guess it... (suddenly self-conscious about her crystal, quickly puts it down) I just have some... energy to burn.
Giles: Well, in due time, (puts his glasses on) but, uh, for the present, (selects the largest blue crystal) if it's not entirely beyond your capabilities, (sets it in front of Buffy) try to concentrate. Buffy sighs and stares into the crystal.
Cut to a playground later that night. A vampire front rolls down the slide and onto the ground. Buffy runs down the slide after him and stops next to him in a ready stance.
Buffy: Wow, that was really funny-looking! (grins widely) Could you do it again?
Vampire: I'll kill you for that. (jumps up)
Buffy: For that? What were you trying to kill me for before? The vampire swings at her, but she ducks it and comes up behind him. He faces her just in time to take a roundhouse kick in the shoulder. He swings again, but she ducks it and punches him in the gut, then rises back up and backhand punches him in the head. Then she shoves him back a step so she can follow up with a half-spinning wheel kick, making the vampire stumble back and fall onto the carousel. She strides toward him.
Buffy: Okay, so here's the deal. (raises her stake) Suddenly she is overcome by dizziness. She closes her eyes and steps back unsteadily, almost as though in pain. The vampire seizes the opening and rushes her, grabs her by the jacket, swings her around and throws her onto a picnic table. She rolls off of it and onto the ground. The vampire jumps on top of her, straddling her. She turns her head away in fright. He grabs her right wrist with one hand and with the other grabs her hand and twists it around, hurting her and making her cry out. Her stake is now pointed at her own chest, and the vampire uses his weight to slowly push it down at her.
Vampire: Lemme know if I'm not doing this right. Her eyes go wide with terror as she struggles desperately with him. Opening credits roll. Buffy's theme plays. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 1 ~~~~~~~~~~ The playground. The vampire straddling Buffy leans hard on the stake, slowly pushing it closer to Buffy's chest. She struggles hard to keep him at bay, but she's losing the battle. In a desperate attempt to get him off of her, she head butts the vampire. He is slightly stunned and stops pushing down on the stake, but remains on top of her. She then slaps him in the face hard and shoves him off of her. He rolls away and onto all fours. Buffy scrambles to get the stake, rolls back onto her back and braces the stake against her chest pointing upward. The vampire jumps to his feet and lunges angrily for her, landing on top of her and impaling himself. He explodes into a cloud of ashes. Buffy waits a moment before she raises herself into a sitting position. She brushes some of the dust from her jacket and takes a few breaths before standing up.
Cut to Sunnydale High the next morning. Cut to the library. Buffy stands by the table concentrating on a target she set up against the railing of the stack level. She raises a knife and throws it. It glances off of the target and clinks as it hits the floor. Giles comes into the library with his briefcase and a cup of coffee and heads toward his office.
Giles: Bit early in the day. (sips his coffee)
Buffy: Giles, something's wrong.
Giles: (stops) Wrong? He sees the target with a few knives stuck awkwardly into it. None of them are anywhere near the center.
Giles: Ah. Perhaps you shouldn't... (Buffy throws a knife and misses) ...do that anymore. (sets down his briefcase)
Buffy: On top of that, I got a bad case of the dizzies last night and almost let a vamp stake me. With my own stake! Giles sips his coffee again as Buffy throws yet another knife. It flies wild.
Buffy: I'm way off my game. (Giles sips again) My game's left the country. It's in Cuernavaca. Giles, what's going on here?
Giles: (sits) Well, perhaps you've got a bad flu bug or something.
Buffy: No. No, not sick. I *can't* get sick. My dad's coming to take me to the ice show. We do it every year for my birthday. If I cancel, it's gonna break his heart.
Giles: Well, just, um, take it easy for forty-eight hours. You know, forego patrolling until you feel yourself again. He gets up again and goes to get his briefcase. Buffy picks up a couple more knives from the table.
Buffy: No. No, I just need to spend a little more time training. She throws one. This time it goes very wild and breaks one of the reading lamps. Giles didn't see it, but he sure heard it.
Buffy: I'm gone! (turns and leaves)
Giles: Thank you! He goes into his office without looking at the damage. Cut outside to the lunch tables. Oz, Xander, Willow and Buffy are eating.
Xander: An ice show? A show performed on ice. And how old are we again?
Willow: I went to Snoopy On Ice when I was little. My dad took me backstage and I got so scared I threw up on Woodstock.
Buffy: Look, I know you guys think it's just a big, dumb, girlie thing, but it's not. I mean, a lot of those skaters are Olympic medal winners. And every year my dad buys me cotton candy and one of those souvenir programs that has all the pictures, and okay, it's a big, dumb, girlie thing, but I love it.
Oz: It's not so girlie. Ice is cool! It's water, but it's not.
Willow: I think it's sweet you and your dad have a tradition. Especially now that he's not around so much. Ixnay on the caramel corn, though, if you go backstage. Buffy nods in agreement.
Xander: We're still talking party, right? I mean, some of us still love to relish celebrating in the birth of the Buff.
Buffy: I dunno. I think it might be time to put a moratorium on parties in my honor. They tend to go badly. Monsters crash. People die.
Willow: But eighteen is a *big* one, Buffy. I mean, you can vote now. You can be drafted. (smiles) You can vote not to be drafted.
Buffy: I think I'll choose to celebrate this one with quiet reflection.
Xander: Where is it written that quiet reflection can't be combined with cake and funny hats?
Cut to the kitchen at Buffy's house. A large birthday floral arrangement is on the island, complete with helium balloon and card. The tickets to the ice show are attached to the card. Joyce is at the stove making dinner. She hears the front door close.
Joyce: Buffy?
Buffy: Present. She comes into the kitchen, sees the flowers and smiles.
Buffy: Ooo, present!
Joyce: Uh, they're not. They're from your father. Buffy takes the card and tickets from the arrangement and looks at them. Her expression shows deep disappointment.
Joyce: His, uh, quarterly projections are unraveling and he can't afford to take off right now. He promises to make it up to you. It's all right there in the letter. Buffy sadly folds up the tickets and the card without even opening it.
Joyce: I-if you want, I could ask somebody to cover for me at the gallery. I-I mean, if you want me to take you.
Buffy: No. No, that's not necessary. I-I was just thinking it might be nice to have a quiet birthday.
Cut to an abandoned boardinghouse. The sign outside reads "Sunnydale Arms, Rooms for Let, Breakfast Included, Inquire Within." Cut inside. The place is dark and musty. A few of the wall lamps are lit and there's a fire going in the fireplace. It's clear, though, that no one has lived here for years. The furniture is torn and the books on the shelves are strewn about. A man is bricking shut one of the windows. Quentin Travers, a member of the Watcher's Council, observes his progress. He turns as another man comes down the stairs.
Quentin: How much longer, Hobson?
Hobson: Five, maybe six hours, sir. They slowly walk into the next room.
Quentin: Once you finish, you and Blair can get some rest. But sleep in shifts. He and Hobson stop and look across the room. There stands a tall wooden crate with a heavy lock on it.
Quentin: We're getting very close. The Slayer's preparation is nearly complete.
Cut to the library. Giles gets out the crystals again and carefully lays them out on the table. Buffy sits and watches him.
Buffy: You know, it's not just cartoon characters. They do pieces from operas and ballets. Brian Boitano, doing Carmen, is a life changer. Oh, he doesn't actually play Carmen, but a lot of sophisticated people go.
Giles: (absently) Yes, I think we should start with the grounding crystal again. He sets the largest blue crystal on the table in front of Buffy.
Buffy: You know, it's usually something that families do together. He absently sets the box aside.
Giles: Now, look very carefully for the tiny flaw at its core.
Buffy: I-if someone were free, they'd take their daughters or their student... or their Slayer. (looks up at him hopefully)
Giles: Hmm? Yes, but, Buffy, I think we should concentrate now. Now, look for the flaw at its center. He leans against the table. Buffy gives in and starts to concentrate on the crystal. At its center is a small stake-shaped flaw in an otherwise nearly clear blue crystal. Faint wind chimes can be heard as Buffy slowly goes into a trance. Giles leans over further and looks into her face.
Giles: Buffy? Satisfied that she is caught in the crystal's thrall, he pulls a small case from his briefcase, sets it on the table and opens it. Inside is a hypodermic needle, a test tube full of a clear yellow liquid and an alcohol-soaked gauze pad. Keeping a careful eye on Buffy, he takes the pad and leans toward her. He takes her arm, pushes up her sleeve and wipes the pad on a spot near the inside of her elbow. He fills the syringe, taps it to get any air bubbles to the tip and pushes on the plunger until the fluid begins to squirt out. Again he checks to be sure Buffy is under, then he takes her arm in one hand and with the other sticks in the needle. Slowly he depresses the plunger, all the while keeping an eye on his charge. She doesn't stir in the least. He pulls the needle back out. Buffy does not bleed from the site. Quickly he puts everything away. Buffy remains in the crystal's thrall. Giles sits on the table, trying to be casual, and waves his hand between Buffy and the crystal. She comes out of her trance and looks up at him.
Buffy: Oh, I'm sorry. (rubs her temples) Did I zone out on you? It's just... I'm nursing that flu bug.
Giles: It's best to take care of that. Perhaps we should, um...
Buffy: ...call it a night. Yeah, (exhales) that's a good idea. Thanks. She gets up weakly and groans as she walks out of the library. Giles smiles to himself.
Giles: Good night. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 2 ~~~~~~~~~~ The quad at Sunnydale High on the next day. Buffy and Willow come walking from the stairs.
Buffy: So, how's it going with Amy the rat?
Willow: (excited) Good! She loves her new exercise wheel. She runs around, her nose wiggles...
Buffy: (interrupts) I-I meant, how's it going changing her back into a human being?
Willow: Oh. Still working on it. But I just got her the cutest little bell... They hear a boy raising his voice and look in his direction. He's talking to Cordelia.
Boy: (upset) You don't do that to me! I waited for you at the Bronze all night!
Cordelia: And the big deal is?
Boy: You made me look like some kind of dork in front of my posse! He grabs her arm. Cordelia is offended, and slaps his arm away.
Cordelia: First of all, 'posse'? Passe'! Second of all, anyone with a teaspoon of brains knows not to take my flirting seriously. Especially with my extenuating circumstances.
Boy: (confused) What circumstances?
Cordelia: Rebound! Look it up! She tries to leave, but he grabs her by both shoulders and pushes her against a tree.
Boy: Hey! I'm not through here. Buffy immediately moves in and grabs the boy's arm.
Buffy: Oh, I beg to differ. She tries to yank at it, but finds she has absolutely no strength. He scoffs at her and nudges her away rather hard. Buffy falls backward, stumbling onto a bench and rolls off onto the ground. Cordelia is incensed, and shoves him away from her.
Cordelia: What is wrong with you?
Boy: Ow. She starts pounding him in the chest with girlie punches. He quickly backs away, but Cordelia keeps up with him and won't let up.
Boy: God, the chick started it! Willow gets down to her knees to help Buffy up.
Willow: (very concerned) Are you okay? Buffy slowly sits up, very confused.
Cut to the hall. Giles is heading toward the library with a stack of magazines. Buffy catches up with him.
Buffy: Okay, I just got swatted down by some no-neck and rescued by Cordelia. What the hell is happening?
Giles: I'm sure it'll sort itself out.
Buffy: (desperate to know) You're not getting the big picture here. I-I have *no* strength. I have *no* coordination. I throw knives like...
Giles: (calmly) A girl?
Buffy: (confused by his reaction) Like I'm not the Slayer.
Giles: Look, Buffy, I, I, I assure you, um... given time... w-w-we'll get to the bottom of, of whatever's causing this, um... anomaly.
Buffy: Promise me.
Giles: Yes. I give you my word. He heads down the hall for his library.
Quentin: You're having doubts. Cut inside the boardinghouse. He and Giles are sharing a cup of tea.
Quentin: Cruciamentum is not easy... for Slayer or Watcher. But it's been done this way for a dozen centuries. Whenever a Slayer turns eighteen. It's a time-honored rite of passage.
Giles: It's an archaic exercise in cruelty. To lock her in this... tomb... weakened, defenseless. (looks at the crate behind him) And to unleash *that* on her. He stares at the crate in the other room for a long moment before turning back to Quentin.
Giles: If any one of the Council still had actual contact with a Slayer, they would see, but I'm the one in the thick of it.
Quentin: Which is why you're not qualified to make this decision. You're too close.
Giles: That's not true.
Quentin: A Slayer is not just physical prowess. She must have cunning, imagination, a confidence derived from self-reliance. And believe me, once this is all over, your Buffy will be stronger for it.
Giles: Or she'll be dead for it.
Cut to later. Hobson is working on the front door. He stops for a moment when Quentin and Giles approach and lets them go through.
Quentin: Rupert, if this girl is everything you say, then you've nothing to worry about. Giles isn't so sure. He puts on his glasses and leaves without saying a word.
Hobson: (to Quentin) Uh, sir, if you can spare me for a short spell, I'll need to make a run to the hardware store. I just need some... He is interrupted by loud screaming coming from inside the crate. Blair hears it, too, and comes in from another room.
Quentin: Take care of it. The two men reluctantly go to the crate. Quentin slowly follows them. Whatever's inside the crate keeps screaming its head off. Cut to the crate. Blair opens the lock and removes it. He pulls open the latch and jerks open the crate. Inside is a very angry vampire secured in a straightjacket and strapped to the back of the crate with a metal band across his forehead. The two men nervously stare at the vampire.
Quentin: (impatient) Come on. Come on. Blair steps over to a table and pulls two pills from a bottle. He puts them on a spoon that's been tied to a long bar. Hobson stands behind him with a glass of water also on the end of a long bar. Blair reaches the spoon up to the vampire's mouth.
Blair: Kralik, your pills. Open your mouth. The vampire opens its mouth just enough, and Blair nudges the spoon in, turning it to drop the pills in, then quickly retreats. Hobson steps up with the glass of water and angles it for Kralik to drink. He gulps deeply. Some of the water spills to the sides of his mouth.
Quentin: That's enough. Close it up. Hobson backs away, and Blair slams the crate shut.
Cut to the library. The gang is at the table doing research into Buffy's condition.
Willow: Aha! A curse on Slayers. Buffy looks up. Willow reads again.
Willow: Oh, no. Wait. I-it's lawyers.
Xander: You know, maybe we're on the wrong track with the whole spell, curse and whammy thing. Maybe what we should be looking for is something like, um, (ahem) Slayer kryptonite.
Oz: Faulty metaphor. Kryptonite kills.
Xander: You're assuming I meant the green kryptonite. I was referring, of course, to the red kryptonite, which drains Superman of his powers.
Oz: (thinks) Wrong. The gold kryptonite's the power-sucker. The red kryptonite mutates Superman into some sort of weird...
Buffy: (impatiently) Guys? Reality? She drops her book onto the table, gets up and walks toward the stairs. Willow gets up and follows.
Willow: Buffy. (they stop) I know you are *definitely*, without a doubt, gonna get your powers back.
Buffy: Thanks, Will. (starts up to the stacks)
Willow: But what if you don't?
Buffy: (stops) Okay... (sighs) if I don't get my powers back, then I don't. I'll deal. (considers) And there's a whole lotta good sides to it.
Willow: Actually, this could open up so many... Giles comes into the library. Buffy runs up to him.
Buffy: Giles. Did you find anything?
Giles: (apologetically) Uh, no. Not yet.
Cut to the boardinghouse. Hobson comes into the room where he and Blair have set up their cots. He has just sat down on his when Kralik begins to thrash and scream in his crate. Blair wakes and sits bolt upright. They both take deep breaths when they realize he's not loose.
Hobson: It's your shift. Blair gets up and goes to take care of their charge, pulling the door to their room closed behind him as Hobson lies down for a rest.
Cut to the crate. Blair pulls it open. Kralik is still tied up inside.
Kralik: Pills!
Blair: (nervously) Yes. He looks over at the pill bottle and sees that there's no water in the glass. He takes it and quickly goes to the kitchen. Kralik takes a deep breath and strains against the straightjacket, screaming very loudly. The seam on his right shoulder tears. In the kitchen Blair fills the glass and casts a worried look behind him.
Blair: It's coming! He turns off the water and runs back to the crate. Kralik lifts his shoulder to make the tear in the seam less conspicuous.
Kralik: Pills! Blair sets down the water, gets two pills from the bottle and puts them on the spoon. He holds it up to Kralik's mouth as the vampire continues to groan loudly, crushing his eyelids shut and panting in apparent pain.
Blair: Take them.
Kralik: Pills!
Blair: They're right in front of you.
Kralik: (sniffs) Where? (sniffs)
Blair: Here!
Kralik: I can't see... can't... (sticks out his tongue) can't reach it. Blair takes a careful step closer.
Blair: Open your eyes. Kralik suddenly thrusts out his arm and grabs Blair by the neck, lifting him from the floor and choking him.
Kralik: Shh. Everything's okay now.
Cut to Angel's mansion. The fire is going nicely. The camera pulls back to show Buffy and Angel sitting on the floor in front of the fireplace. Buffy unwraps a book, Angel's birthday gift to her. She opens it and leafs through it. It's a copy of "Sonnets from the Portuguese", classic love poems by Elizabeth Barrett Browning to her husband, Robert Browning. On the title page Angel has written simply "Always".
Buffy: (softly) Thank you. That's beautiful.
Angel: You really like it?
Buffy: Of course I do. It's sweet and thoughtful and... full of neat words to learn and say like 'wilt' and 'henceforth'.
Angel: Then why'd you seem more excited last year when you got a severed arm in a box?
Buffy: I'm sorry. Uh, it's just suddenly there's this chance that my calling's a wrong number, and... it's just freaking me out a little.
Angel: That's understandable.
Buffy: Angel, what if I have lost my power?
Angel: You lived a long time without it. You can do it again.
Buffy: I guess. But what if I can't? I've seen too much. I know what goes bump in the night. Not being able to fight it... What if I just hide under my bed, all scared and helpless? Or what if I just become pathetic? Hanging out at the old Slayer's home, talking people's ears off about my glory days, showing them Mr. Pointy, the stake I had bronzed.
Angel: Buffy, you could never be helpless or boring, not even if you tried. Buffy raises her eyebrows and gets up.
Buffy: Don't be so sure. She steps over to a table.
Buffy: Before I was the Slayer, I was... (leans on the table) Well, I, I don't wanna say shallow, but... Let's say a certain person, who will remain nameless, we'll just call her Spordelia, looked like a classical philosopher next to me. Angel, if I'm not the Slayer, what do I do? What do I have to offer? Why would you like me?
Angel: (quietly) I saw you before you became the Slayer.
Buffy: (confused) What?
Angel: I watched you, and I saw you called. It was a bright afternoon out in front of your school. You walked down the steps... and... and I loved you.
Buffy: Why?
Angel: 'Cause I could see your heart. (gets up) You held it before you for everyone to see. (walks to her) And I worried that it would be bruised or torn. And more than anything in my life I wanted to keep it safe... to warm it with my own. Buffy looks up into his eyes for a long moment, then leans into him, and they embrace, holding each other close.
Buffy: That's beautiful. Or taken literally, incredibly gross.
Angel: (grimacing) I was just thinking that, too.
Cut to the boardinghouse. Although Kralik has his arm free, he's still tied too well to free himself from the straightjacket. No matter, though, seeing as Blair is lying in front of him, soon to become a vampire. Kralik idly hums and licks his fingers while he waits for his new friend to wake. He watches as Blair's face spontaneously morphs into a vampire's. Blair stirs, turns his head to see where the humming is coming from and slowly gets to his feet.
Kralik: Ah, you're up. I was afraid I drained you too much. I do that sometimes. Blair growls at Kralik, but knows what he must do. He looks around for the ax he knows should be there.
Kralik: Ever have a tune you can't get outta your head? It keeps playing over and over and over? Drives me nuts. Blair brings the ax over and swings it at the metal strap where it's attached to the crate on the left side of Kralik's head, then on the right. The strap falls to the floor, and Kralik steps out.
Kralik: Ahh. Thank you. He grunts as he pulls the straightjacket off his other arm and lets it fall.
Kralik: Ohh. That... is much better. He goes over to his pill bottle and pops a couple into his mouth, then picks up the glass of water and steps back over to Blair.
Kralik: Mmm. He takes a good swallow of the water.
Kralik: It's a game, you know. We're not gonna play by their rules, but... that doesn't mean we're not gonna play. He smiles broadly and downs the rest of the water.
Kralik: Mmm. (points at Hobson's room) Why don't you call your friend in? We'll discuss it over dinner.
[SCENE_BREAK]
~~~~~~~~~~ Part 3 ~~~~~~~~~~ The boardinghouse later that night. Giles opens the door and takes a tentative look inside. Everything seems quiet.
Giles: Quentin? He steps in and closes the door, still wary of the place. He goes into the sitting room. Nothing seems amiss. He walks back out and down the hall, looking up the stairs. Still all seems well, but it's just too quiet. He takes a few steps up to the landing.
Giles: Hello? Quentin? Hob... He notices that the stair railing feels clammy, and looks at his hand. It's covered with fresh blood. From the landing he looks into the other room and sees the closed crate standing there. He rushes down the stairs and looks for a weapon. He grabs one of the stair rail supports and breaks it out with the heel of his other hand. He heads straight for the crate, intending to dust whatever's inside, but finds it empty. Alarmed, he looks around and then down at the floor. There he sees tracks of blood leading into the kitchen. He follows them, ready for anything. Holding his makeshift stake up and ready, he grabs the doorknob and swings it open, but nothing is there to meet him. He searches for the light switch, first on one side, then the other, and flips it on when he finds it. He sees what's left of Hobson lying on the table. The camera only shows his arm, but the mauling Hobson received must have been horrific because Giles immediately drops the stake, backs out of the kitchen, puts his hand to his mouth and does his best not to vomit. Quickly he regains his composure and makes tracks out of the house.
Cut to the streets. Buffy is slowly walking home holding her coat closed and hugging her book. She watches as a car passes, and then steps into the street to cross it. Near the other side of the street she walks past a couple of guys just hanging out by a car. They see her pass by and check her out.
Man: (to the other) Let's find out. (to Buffy's back) Hey, sweet girl! (Buffy stops cold) How much for a lap dance for me and my buddy? They laugh to themselves. Buffy begins to turn around, but thinks better of taking them on in her weakened state. She continues along the street. The men make no move to follow her.
Buffy: (wryly) Walk me home, Angel. No, I'm fine. I can take care of myself. She rounds a corner and hears humming, but doesn't see anyone around. She stops and looks behind her, but sees no one there either.
Buffy: Hummers. Big turnoff. I like guys that can remember the lyrics. She starts to walk again as she turns back, and runs right into Kralik. He holds onto her by the arms while she tries to pull away.
Kralik: You know, I wish I could, but my mind just isn't what it used to be.
Buffy: Let me go. She pulls harder, and he yanks her back.
Kralik: (playfully) You didn't say please! She starts to struggle in earnest and call for help.
Buffy: HELP ME! SOMEBODY, PLEASE! She gets her left arm loose, pulls her right arm out of her jacket and lets her left arm slip out of the other sleeve as she begins to run. Blair heads her off and roars at her. She screams and begins to run back the other way, dodging Kralik, who makes no move to give chase. He has what he wants. Blair, however, continues to run after her.
Buffy: HELP ME, PLEASE! SOMEBODY!
Cut to an alley behind a row of houses. She runs along it.
Buffy: SOMEBODY, PLEASE HELP ME! At the far end of the alley she encounters a fence. She tries to climb it, but doesn't have the strength. She drops back down, checks behind her and sees Blair coming. She looks down and sees that the fence has been cut at the base, and so quickly gets down and crawls through it. Blair catches up and grabs her by the leg. She keeps crawling, making him lose his balance and grip, but he scrambles to grab her foot. He can't get a good hold of it, though, and Buffy slips through and begins to run. Blair gets down and starts to squeeze himself through the fence. Buffy runs into the street and tries to flag down a car.
Buffy: STOP! PLEASE, I NEED HELP! The driver honks his horn and swerves sharply to get around her, but he just keeps going.
Buffy: PLEASE, STOP! She looks over at Blair, who couldn't get through the hole, and sees him climbing the fence instead. Another car honks at her and screeches around her. A third car comes in the other direction. Buffy thinks she recognizes it. She does when it stops. Giles pushes open the passenger- side door.
Giles: Hurry! She jumps in and Giles guns it just as Blair gets there. Blair grabs the door and gets his feet up just inside the car. Buffy hits him repeatedly as they speed along, and eventually Blair can't hold on any longer. He drops out of the car and rolls over a few times in the street before coming to a stop face down. Back by the fence Kralik steps into the street and watches them go.
Cut to the library. Buffy is sitting at the table wrapped in a blanket.
Buffy: When I hit him, it felt like my arm was broken, it hurt so much. I can't be just a person. I can't be helpless like that. Giles, please, we have to figure out what's happening to me. Giles opens his briefcase and pulls out the case with the syringe. He opens it, lets out a deep sigh and sets it in front of her.
Giles: (with a shaky voice) It's an organic compound... of muscle relaxants and adrenal suppressers. The effect is temporary. You'll be yourself again in a few days. Buffy can't believe her ears or eyes. She reaches out to the tube of liquid and touches it.
Buffy: You?
Giles: (shaky) It's a test, Buffy. (takes off his glasses) It's given to the Slayer once she... uh, well, if she reaches her eighteenth birthday. (swallows hard) The Slayer is disabled and then entrapped with a vampire foe whom she must defeat in order to pass the test. (paces toward his office) The vampire you were to face... has escaped. (stops at the door facing away) His name is Zackary Kralik. As a mortal, he murdered and tortured more than a dozen women before he was committed to an asylum for the criminally insane. When a vamp... Buffy stands up and throws the syringe case at him, but misses, hitting the wall beside him.
Buffy: (sobbing angrily) You b*st*rd. All this time, you saw what it was doing to me. All this time, and you didn't say a word!
Giles: (faces her) I wanted to.
Buffy: (sobs) Liar.
Giles: In matters of tradition and protocol, I must answer to the Council. Buffy runs her hands through her hair in disbelief of her betrayal.
Giles: My role in this... was very specific. I was to administer the injections and to direct you to the old boardinghouse on Prescott Lane.
Buffy: (crying and shaking her head) I can't... I can't hear this.
Giles: Buffy, please.
Buffy: (looks him in the face) Who are you? (lowers her hands) How could you do this to me?
Giles: I am deeply sorry, Buffy, (reaches out to her) and you have to understand... She backs away and warns him off with her hand.
Buffy: (shaking with hatred) If you touch me, I'll kill you. Giles lowers his hand.
Giles: (imploringly) You have to listen to me. Because I've told you this, the test is invalidated. You will be safe now, I promise you. Now, whatever I have to do to deal with Kralik... and to win back your trust...
Buffy: (interrupts, sobbing) You stuck a needle in me. You poisoned me! Behind them Cordelia walks into the library.
Cordelia: What's going on? She sees Buffy's tear-streaked face.
Cordelia: Oh, God. Is the world ending? I have to research a paper on Bosnia for tomorrow, but if the world's ending, I'm not gonna bother. Buffy starts to walk out of the library.
Giles: (desperately) You can't walk home alone, Buffy. It isn't safe. Buffy stops. Cordelia doesn't understand and looks at her.
Buffy: (facing away) I don't know you.
Cordelia: (faces Giles) Did something take her memory? (turns to Buffy) He's Giles. Giiillles. (grins) He hangs out here a lot. Buffy turns around.
Buffy: Cordelia, could you please drive me home?
Cordelia: (surprised) Of course. Buffy turns and walks out.
Cordelia: (to Giles) But if the world doesn't end, I'm gonna need a note. She follows Buffy out of the library.
Cut to the Summers' dining room. Joyce is doing her bills. She hears a noise outside and looks up. She gets up from the table. Cut outside. Joyce opens the door and steps out. She looks over to the side of the porch.
Joyce: Buffy? There she sees a figure lying on the floor shrouded in Buffy's coat. She reaches down and touches the figure's back. It rolls over, and Kralik looks up at her. She steps back in fright.
Kralik: (grinning horribly) Mother. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 4 ~~~~~~~~~~ The kitchen at the Summers house. Buffy opens the door and comes in. The bouquet from her father is still on the island. She pushes it to the end and lets it drop into the wastebasket. She walks through the dining room and sees the front door standing open. Taped to the doorframe is a Polaroid photo. She strides over to it and pulls it down to look at it. It's of her mother with Kralik behind her holding her by the neck. She turns the picture over, and on the back is written "come".
Cut to her room. She has a heavy leather bag open on her bed. She pulls a knife and several stakes from her trunk and drops them into the bag. At her desk she opens the top left drawer with her Slayer stuff and pulls out a bottle of Holy Water. This she drops into the pocket of her coveralls. She closes the bag and heaves it up by the strap and onto her shoulder. It's very heavy, and she has to lean to the side quite a bit to counterbalance it as she walks out of her room.
Cut to the basement of the boardinghouse. Joyce is tied to a chair and gagged.
Kralik: Mother. She looks toward his voice, and he snaps another Polaroid of her.
Kralik: May I call you Mother? (walks in front of her) My own mother was a person with no self-respect of her own, so she tried to take mine. Joyce turns her head away from him, and he takes another picture. She strains against the ropes around her arm, but they are too tight.
Kralik: Ten years old, she had the scissors. You wouldn't believe what she took with those. (takes another pic) But she's dead to me now. (takes two more) Mostly (chuckles) because I killed and ate her, but also because I know I won't be alone much longer. (kneels by Joyce) I'll have your daughter. I won't kill her; I'll just make her like me. Different. She'll go to sleep, and when she wakes up, (gets into her face) your face will be the first thing she eats. Joyce's eyes are wide with terror. Kralik stops to consider.
Kralik: I have a problem with mothers. (chuckles) I'm aware of that.
Cut to the front door of the boardinghouse. It opens quietly, and Buffy looks in. She has her crossbow up and ready. The front rooms are empty and quiet, so she steps in. She takes one of her stakes and puts it down between the door and the frame to keep it open. Again she raises her bow and looks around the front rooms. She steps in further and looks through the archway into the sitting room. The fire is going there. She walks once around the room and then sets her bag down on the old couch. She continues to explore the area quietly, her fear and nervousness evident in her face. She approaches a door and cautiously takes hold of the knob. Quickly she twists it and pulls the door open, only to find that it's been bricked up on the other side. She closes it again. Cut outside. A hand reaches down and picks up the stake she left there. The door closes and the latch echoes loudly. Cut inside. Buffy spins around to face the noise. Cut outside. The camera pans from the hand up to Blair's face.
Cut to Giles' office. He's on the phone trying to reach Quentin. The other end of the line keeps ringing. Just then Quentin appears at the door and walks in. Giles sees him and sets the phone back down in its cradle.
Giles: I was just trying to reach you.
Quentin: I was on watch over by the boardinghouse. (paces away)
Giles: Then you know what's happened.
Quentin: Yes.
Giles: (angrily) He's killed Hobson and made Blair one of his own. Your perfectly controlled test seems to have spun rather impressively out of control, don't you think? Quentin turns and gives him a long look, then paces back the other way to the teapot.
Quentin: It changes nothing. (lifts the lid from the teapot)
Giles: Well, then, allow me. (leans on his desk) I've told Buffy everything.
Quentin: (looks up from the teapot) That is in direct opposition to the Council's orders. (sets the lid back down)
Giles: Yes. (crosses his arms) Interestingly, I don't give a rat's ass about the Council's orders. There will be no test.
Quentin: (pours a cup of tea) The test has already begun. Your Slayer entered the field of play about ten minutes ago.
Giles: (stands up, surprised) Why?
Quentin: I don't know. I returned there just as she entered. Giles grabs his keys from his desk and starts out of the office. Quentin tries to stop him.
Quentin: Now Giles, we've no business... Giles grabs him by the coat and shoves him up against the doorframe.
Giles: This is *not* business! He lets the other man go and strides out of the library.
Cut to the sitting room in the boardinghouse. Buffy slowly moves out of it back into the foyer. She looks around before entering it, then goes back over to the door to check it. It's locked shut. She yanks at it several times, but she can't budge it. Blair comes up behind her and growls. Buffy spins around and aims the crossbow at him. She pulls the trigger, but the bolt flies right past his face. Blair grabs the bow, jerks it out of her hands and throws it down. He grabs her by the throat and begins to choke her. Buffy grabs onto his arm and stomps on his foot. Blair lets go. She shoves him aside and runs into the sitting room. She opens her bag and tries to reach in, but Blair reaches for her over the back of the couch. Buffy jumps away and runs to the far wall by the bookcase. Blair moves to follow, but Buffy pushes the bookcase over on top of him. He struggles underneath it, but can't lift it off. Buffy climbs over it and goes to her bag, opens it and reaches in. Blair reaches out from under the bookcase and grabs her ankle. Buffy screams and looks around for a weapon. She spies the andirons, grabs the tongs and starts to whale on Blair's arm. She has to hit him several times before he finally lets go. Buffy grabs her bag and runs out of the room. She stops in the hallway and looks around. Somewhere Kralik is watching her, and he taunts her.
Kralik: Hide and seeeek... She looks all around her.
Kralik: Hide and seek! The hall, the stairs and the adjacent room are empty. There she sees Kralik's crate. The crate door is closed and looks locked. She approaches it, and it suddenly swings opens. Kralik jumps out and grabs her by the throat. Buffy gasps in fright, but doesn't struggle.
Kralik: Why did you come to the dark of the woods? He yanks her bag out of her hands and looks into it. Inside is a smaller bow, several stakes and a few knives.
Kralik: To bring all these sweets to grandmother's house? He drops the bag and pulls her closer. Buffy surprises him by holding up a cross. He leaps back from her in fear. She holds it out at arm's length, shaking nervously. Kralik stares at her for a while, smiling evilly, then suddenly grabs her arm and pulls it and the cross into his chest. There he rubs it around and laughs as it burns against his skin.
Kralik: Oh-oh, no, no. Just a little lower. (nudges it down) Right... (inhales in ecstasy) Oh, yes. Yes. Oh. (gasps) Oooh! Thank you very much. Buffy lets go of the cross and runs in terror. Kralik just smiles and watches her run. She runs into the kitchen and locks the door. Hobson's remains are still there. She notices the body but doesn't have time to really look at it before she is distracted by Kralik pounding on the door. She runs to the counter and rifles through the drawers looking for anything she can use. She finds nothing, but then looks up when the pounding stops. Her breathing is shallow and panting with fear. She looks around again, but can't find anything of use. Slowly she steps back to the door and quietly opens it. The coast is clear, so she comes into the hall. She constantly looks around as she makes her way toward the stairs. When she's almost there she makes a dash for them and starts to run up. Kralik punches his arm through the railing and trips her, making her fall and cut her forehead against the steps. He grabs her leg and pulls her down a ways. She struggles to get away. She grabs a broken piece of the railing and stabs at his arm with it. He lets go and decides to run up the stairs after her. Buffy scrambles to her feet, runs to the top and starts down the hall. At a bend in the hall she stops and looks around. The hallway is empty, so she runs to the first door. It's locked, so she goes to the next. It opens, and she runs in, slamming the door behind her. The room is pitch dark. Buffy searches around until she finds a string hanging from the ceiling. She pulls it and the light goes on. She stares in shock at the walls around her. They are covered with Polaroids of her mother. She grabs one off the wall to make sure. Just then she hears Kralik pounding at the door. He punches through and reaches in, searching for the knob to unlock it. She runs to another door, opens it and runs out into the hall. Just as she reaches the end, Kralik steps out in front of her.
Kralik: If you stray from the path, you will lose your way. He reaches out and puts his hand on her cheek. She tries to push him away, but he's too strong and bends down toward her neck.
Kralik: (reassuringly) I won't take it all. I won't take it all. She strains hard to keep him at bay. Suddenly Kralik has one of his attacks. He grabs his head and begins to scream. Buffy tries to get past him, but he shoves her into the wall, stunning her. He pulls out his pill bottle and struggles to get it open. Buffy regains her head and grabs the bottle out of his hands. She runs down the hall away from him.
Kralik: No! No! No! He has a hard time coming after her with the pain in his head. Buffy reaches the far end of the hall and leaps into the laundry chute. Kralik looks down the chute and hears her sliding, but doesn't follow. Instead he staggers back the other way.
Cut to the basement. Buffy comes sliding out of the chute and onto a table. It breaks beneath her, and she falls to the floor in a cloud of dust. Her mother is there, tied to a chair and gagged, and sees her daughter fall.
Joyce: Buffy? Buffy gets up and scrambles over to her mother. She tries to untie her, but can't.
Joyce: (muffled) Buffy, we have to get out... They hear pounding at the basement door. Buffy stops struggling with the ropes. Kralik smashes the door in and comes running down the stairs demanding his pills.
Kralik: Where are they? Where are they?! He runs into the room, and Buffy fakes trying to get past him and up the stairs. He grabs her and shoves her against a wall. He sees the pill bottle in her hands and snatches it from her. He struggles with the lid as he stumbles over to where he sees a glass of water near the wine racks. He gets the lid off, pops a couple of pills and gulps down the water. He gasps for air and takes several deep breaths as he begins to calm down, knowing that the medicine should soon take effect. He smiles evilly over at Buffy and takes some forced steps in her direction. Buffy just watches him come.
Kralik: You don't seem to understand your place in all of this. Do you have any idea... Suddenly he realizes something is very wrong and stops in his tracks.
Kralik: Oh, my! (looks down at the glass in his hand) What have you... He begins to shake and looks back up at Buffy.
Kralik: My pills! She pulls the now-empty bottle of Holy Water from her pocket and holds it up for him to see. He drops the glass and begins to shake violently, grunting and groaning in pain.
Kralik: No. No... Smoke begins to puff out of his clothes. Buffy watches coolly.
Buffy: If I was at full Slayer power, I'd be punning right about now.
Kralik: No! No! He screams loudly one final time, and then crumbles to ashes from the inside out. Buffy closes her eyes and lets out a sigh of relief. She pockets the bottle and rushes over to her mother. She pulls the gag from her mouth and begins to work on the ropes again.
Joyce: (breathing heavily) Buffy, thank God you're okay. Oh, that man...
Buffy: (straining) I can't get these. They're too tight.
Joyce: Can't you just... She jerks in her chair suggesting that Buffy just tear the ropes.
Buffy: Not right now. (looks around) Maybe there's some clippers around. She stands up to look around, when suddenly Blair lunges at her. Giles is right behind him.
Joyce: Oh, Buffy! Blair grabs Giles and throws him against a shelf rack. Blair punches him in the face and in the gut. Giles doubles over, but thrusts up with his arm, plunging a stake into Blair's chest. He bursts into ashes. Slowly Giles straightens up. He and Buffy look at each other for a long time.
Quentin: Congratulations, you passed.
Cut to the library. Buffy is sitting at the table. Quentin stands calmly at the head as he speaks. Giles leans in the doorway to his office.
Quentin: You exhibited extraordinary courage and clearheadedness in battle. The Council is very pleased.
Buffy: (deadpan) Do I get a gold star?
Quentin: I understand that you're upset...
Buffy: (with controlled fury) You understand *nothing*. You set that monster loose, and he came after my mother.
Quentin: You think the test was unfair?
Buffy: I think you better leave town before I get my strength back.
Quentin: (evenly) We're not in the business of fair, Miss Summers, we're fighting a war.
Giles: You're *waging* a war. She's fighting it. There is a difference.
Quentin: Mr. Giles, if you don't mind...
Giles: The test is done. We're finished.
Quentin: Not quite. She passed. You didn't. (faces him) The Slayer is not the only one who must perform in this situation. I've recommended to the Council, and they've agreed, that you be relieved of your duties as Watcher immediately. You're fired.
Giles: (taken aback) On what grounds?
Quentin: Your affection for your charge has rendered you incapable of clear and impartial judgment. (Buffy looks at Giles) You have a father's love for the child, and that is useless to the cause. (Giles looks down) It would be best if you had no further contact with the Slayer. Buffy breaks her stare, and considers Quentin's words.
Giles: (with hostility) I'm not going anywhere.
Quentin: No, well, I didn't expect you would adhere to that. However, if you interfere with the new Watcher, or countermand his authority in any way, you will be dealt with. Are we clear?
Giles: Oh, we're very clear.
Quentin: (bows slightly to Buffy) Congratulations again. She looks up at him with a stare of hatred.
Buffy: (vehemently) Bite me.
Quentin: (chuckles ruefully) Yes, well, colorful girl. He turns and leaves the library. Giles looks up again and puts on his glasses. He looks over at Buffy. She gazes down into space for a moment, then sniffs and puts her hand to her forehead. She sniffs again, reaching out for the cloth that's lying on the table next to a bowl of water, and picks it up. Giles walks over to her and puts his hand on the cloth. She lets him take it from her hand. He dips it in the water and kneels down in front of her, reaches out and gently pats it over the gash in her forehead. She winces in pain, but doesn't pull away. She looks up at her Watcher sadly for a moment, then lowers her eyes. Giles turns the now-bloody cloth over and continues to lightly dab it on her wound.
Cut to the Summers house. Cut to the kitchen. The whole gang is over for a visit. Buffy and Xander are making peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Willow brings a jug of lemonade over to them at the island.
Willow: I can't believe Giles was fired. How could Giles get fired?
Oz: So, how did you manage to kill Kralik?
Joyce: (smiles) Oh, she was very clever. Buffy raises her eyebrows at her.
Joyce: Uh, you go ahead and tell it, dear. You tell it better. Buffy sighs.
Willow: Now, now when you say 'fired', do you mean 'fired'?
Xander: You're not cruising past that concept any time soon, are you?
Willow: Well, it's just... I mean, he's been *fired*! He's, he's unemployed! He's... between jobs.
Buffy: Giles isn't going anywhere, Will. He's still librarian.
Willow: Okay, but I'm writing an angry letter.
Buffy: You know, nothing's really gonna change. The important thing is that I kept up my special birthday tradition of gut-wrenching misery and horror.
Oz: Bright side to everything. Buffy grabs a new jar of peanut butter and tries to open it.
Buffy: (sighs) Just feel better when I get my strength back.
Xander: Give you a hand with that, little lady? He stands up and holds out his hand to take it from her. She hands it to him.
Buffy: You're loving this far too much.
Xander: Admit it. (tries to open it) Sometimes you just need a big strong man. (smiles) He struggles with the jar for a while, then tries to cover it with a laugh.
Xander: Uh, Will, gimme a hand with that? | Plan: A: Giles; Q: Who prepares Buffy for the Cruciamentum? A: the Cruciamentum; Q: What is the name of the ordeal the Watchers' Council requires every Slayer to endure on their eighteenth birthday? A: a watcher; Q: What is Giles' job? Summary: Giles secretly prepares Buffy for the Cruciamentum, an ordeal the Watchers' Council requires every Slayer endure on her eighteenth birthday. Giles helps Buffy, thereby affecting his job as a watcher. |
In the gymnasium
(The Spirit Squad is practicing their routine.)
Manny: Way to stick it guys.
Darcy: I love you Manny. You are a miracle worker. Well so to speak.
Manny: Miracle, schmiracle. Hard work plus Degrassi spirit equals first time ever metro finals.
Chante: With only one team in our way.
Manny: Sucks to be them. Go Degrassi!
(They all cheer and start to leave as Emma walks over to Manny.)
Emma: Hey guys. Wow are all non-cheerleaders invisible?
Manny: They're just excited. Going to finals is like scaling Everest with pom-poms. Just imagine if we actually win. It will be a Degrassi first.
Emma: If you win it'll be without JT.
Manny: If we win we'll make Degrassi feel better. It's our job.
Emma: Yeah. You're right I guess. I'm just not myself since...you know. Let's get lattes and hang out.
Manny: I'm kind of meeting someone Em.
Emma: Let me guess, Damien your new fancy boy from the enemy school?
Mrs. Santos: Manuella?
Manny: Mom can you give me a sec?
Emma: What's she doing here?
Manny: She's just here to talk. Don't be mad Em, but I think it's time for me to go home.
(Manny walks over to her mom and they hug while Emma watches them disappointed.)
At Emma's house, Manny is packing her stuff
Emma: Hey that's mine!
Manny: Really? I wore it all summer.
Emma: With my strappy sandals, I know.
Manny: And I thought you wanted me to stay.
Emma: I do. I can't believe you're leaving, especially now! My parents are freaked, our house is the center of a murder investigation.
Manny: Maybe that's why my parents want me back home.
Emma: Do you miss your dad's tirades?
Manny: Mom says he's willing to hang up the dictator cap, try anyway.
Emma: What about the curfews and the dress codes?
Manny: Em they're my parents. Your mom and Archie are great, but they're not my family and this isn't my home. I love you forever for letting me stay. It's time.
Emma: I'm gonna miss you Manny. You're like the sister I never had.
Manny: What are you talking about cuckoo bananas? I'll be here constantly. It'll be like I never left. Promise. At Marco and Dylan's
Marco: You know just when you think you're gonna get to bed early you look over your essay and hello! All-nighter.
Dylan: Doesn't get any easier. Trust me.
(Marco sits on the couch with Dylan.)
Marco: Want some coffee? Last of Ellie's personal stash.
Dylan: Actually I've got to jet. Meeting some guys from the team.
Marco: Aw you and your hockey buddies. How cute. Okay so we'll order in later then.
Dylan: It's wing night.
Marco: Dylan you've been out every night this week. When do I see you?
Dylan: We live together. We see each other plenty.
(Dylan leaves.)
Marco: Bye.
At Mia's locker
Manny: Hey Mia. You've been MIA from the squad long enough.
Mia: Okay. What do you guys want?
Darcy: Recipe for spirit squad success? Take one Mia Jones, shake and win!
Mia: Did you guys like forget my boyfriend? Your mascot, JT Yorke, was killed two weeks ago. Thanks, but I'll pass.
Darcy: Of course Mia. We understand.
Manny: Sorry for asking.
(They leave and Emma walks over to her.)
Emma: Hey. They were trying to help in their own bizarrely dysfunctional way.
Mia: Whatever. Like I'm gonna take part in anything Lakehurst is invited to.
Emma: Wait. Lakehurst is coming here? Why can't they do it somewhere else?
Mia: No kidding. They said it was set up months ago and it's like to late to cancel, but I don't care. I think we should do something about it. I think we need to protest or whatever.
Emma: I can't. Manny is my best friend. Besides maybe it's a good thing if Lakehurst comes here. Maybe it'll help mend fences.
Mia: A student from Lakehurst killed JT. I'm not about mending fences right now.
Outside the school
Manny: Damien and I are going to the mall. He's so cute.
Sean: Wasn't he friends with that freak that killed JT?
Manny: Drake? Uh no! He's never even talked to Drake.
Sean: Okay whatever. Later Emma.
(He kisses her goodbye.)
Manny: So if my parents call you'll cover for me, right?
Emma: Of course. Or you can just come over tonight when you're done with Damien. Just you, me, the couch and Dr. McDreamy.
Manny: And a bowl of popcorn with extra ketchup powder? You're on.
(They hug goodbye.)
Emma: Have fun.
At Jimmy and Spinner's store
(The guys are playing video games.)
Spinner: Oh I got this. I got this and yes! Dude that was way too easy. Come on.
Marco: Sorry I'm not good at these driving games. I'm done.
Jimmy: What? You haven't even tried to get us to play Karaoke Revolution yet man. Who are you?
Marco: What are you talking about? I'm fine. I couldn't be better.
Jimmy: Seriously man what's the problem?
Marco: My problem. My problem is tall, broad shouldered and emotionally absent.
Jimmy: Ah Monsieur Dylan.
Spinner: Hey does he have a MyRoom page?
Marco: I don't know. He's just never here and when he is here, it still feels like he isn't, you know?
Jimmy: It happens my man. The heat cools. You just got to chase the romance a little. Know what I mean?
Spinner: (Coughs) MyRoom page.
Jimmy: Spin, shut up man. Look it's all about the 4 C's. Candles, cooking, cologne and chill. Nobody's immune. Don't worry.
At the mall
Damien: Nice. Who knew hanging out with you at the mall meant PJ shopping?
Manny: Well I can't mooch off Emma anymore, but don't get too excited. You won't be seeing me in these anytime soon.
Damien: It's cool.
(Manny gets a text from Emma.)
Manny: Yikes I got to go.
Damien: Thought we were gonna chill tonight.
Manny: I'm sorry, but I totally promised Emma.
Damien: I know, but between your spirit squad and my student council, I never get to see you. I just really want to talk to you, you know?
Manny: Wow. Most guys aren't after me for conversation.
Damien: I'm not most guys. Come on Manny. Hang out with me tonight.
(Manny calls Emma.)
Emma: (On the phone) Where are you?
Manny: (On the phone) Hi Em. I came home after seeing Damien and my dad's totally back in tyrant mode.
Emma: (On the phone) Ugh you poor thing.
Manny: (On the phone) I'm okay. I just, I think I need to stay home and let it cool over.
Emma: (On the phone) Okay well I miss you.
Manny: (On the phone) I miss you too. Bye.
(They hang up.)
At Marco and Dylan's
Dylan: Sorry my seminar went long.
Marco: You could have called.
Dylan: Phone's dead. Oh it smells great Marco. Did you make steak?
Marco: Yeah, also known as bistecca. You know supposedly it's the fastest way to any man's heart. So luckily I convinced Ellie to go to the movies with Kiko and Suki.
Dylan: A night alone. Thank you.
Marco: 'Cause maybe next year we'll have a place of our own, you know? Just, just me and you.
Dylan: Well who knows what could happen between now and then.
Marco: Meaning what?
Dylan: Meaning nothing. I was just talking.
(Dylan's phone rings.)
Dylan: I need to take this.
Marco: I thought your phone was dead.
Dylan: I guess it recovered power or something. Funny, huh?
(He gets up to take the call.)
Dylan: (On the phone) Hello?
Marco: Yeah it's funny.
In Ms. Kwan's class
Emma: So how'd it go with your parents?
Manny: Fine.
Emma: That's funny your dad didn't seem fine when he called my house looking for you.
Manny: Em did you-?
Emma: Cover for you? Of course. I'm not sure why since you totally blew me off.
Manny: I'm sorry. I just really, really, really like Damien. Things are just so good between us.
Ms. Kwan: Class today we're gonna start on King Lear. A tragic tale about sisters fighting for what they think they deserve.
(Ms. Kwan keeps talking.)
Emma: How good can it be? You've known him for two weeks.
Manny: Come find out. I'm meeting him at the Dot after school. Bring Sean too. I want us all to be friends.
Emma: I'm not sure that's a good idea.
Manny: Please, please, please, please, please.
Emma: Clearly resistance is futile.
Manny: Thank you. You won't regret it!
At Marco and Dylan's
(A new message pops up on Dylan's computer and Marco opens it. He sees a bunch of messages from someone named Julien. The message says 'Campus Pub, Thursday 4pm?'.)
At the Dot
Manny: Emma you know Damien. Damien this is Emma's wonderful beau, Sean.
Damien: Hey. How's it going?
Sean: Hey.
(They shake hands.)
Sean: So, how are things at Lakehurst?
Damien: Uh fine.
Sean: Seriously? 'Cause last time I heard one of your students was in jail.
Manny: Sean!
Damien: Look man I'm really sorry about your friend JT. I mean it's a total tragedy.
Mia: Damien. So uh tell me how's Drake doing?
Damien: I have no idea Mia.
Mia: But he's your friend, isn't he?
Damien: No. That's not true.
Mia: Excuse me, but I went to Lakehurst. So how about you save your lies for somebody who will buy them.
Sean: So, Manny who are you loyal to, your dead friend or your new Lakehurst crush?
Damien: Let's go Manny.
Manny: No wait. Em a little help here, please.
Emma: What do you want me to say? You're sleeping with the enemy.
Manny: You know what Emma? I'm so glad I moved home because now I don't have to see your mean, judgemental, stuck-up little face anymore.
(Damien and Manny leave.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
At Degrassi
Darcy: (On the video announcements) For the first time ever Degrassi has made Cheerleading City finals. Come out tomorrow and support the squad. Go Degrassi!
Mr. Simpson: I sense history in the making. Good luck tomorrow Manny.
Manny: Thanks Mr. S. It's all about Panther pride.
Emma: Which is so much more important than academics or even actual sports. Yeah if the school printed money your face would be on it.
Manny: And I'd use it to buy you a big box of shut up.
Mr. Simpson: Uh girls class has begun.
Emma: Okay I'd like to bring up a discussion topic if I may.
Mr. Simpson: Fine. What is it Em?
Emma: In the aftermath of the death of one of our classmates, what does defeating Lakehurst prove exactly?
Manny: That we're better than them?
Emma: Manny our entire school's in mourning. Not only that, there's anger. They want revenge.
Manny: What does that have to do with the spirit squad competition?
Emma: I think we should cancel it. It prevents Lakehurst from showing up here, from reminding us of our loss and rubbing our noses in it.
Manny: After all the hard work that we put into it? I think not.
Toby: You can miss cheerleading one year.
Manny: You guys are ridiculous. I can't believe what I'm hearing.
Emma: And I can't believe you're turning your back on your friends.
Mr. Simpson: Okay that's enough. This is not the time or place for this debate. Let's talk about our next unit, video podcasting. At Jimmy and Spinner's store
Marco: Hey so uh you guys got a single boy discount? Found something on his laptop guys.
Spinner: He has a MyRoom page! Man I knew it! Marco I told you that thing is an online abyss man.
Marco: Spin no. It was an e-mail. An e-mail from some creep named Julien who he's meeting tomorrow for some secret lunch or something.
Spinner: Are you serious?
Marco: Yeah. He's cheating on me guys. I can't believe he's cheating on me again.
Jimmy: Look you don't know that for a fact.
Marco: Oh by this time tomorrow I will. They better get a table for 3. During the competition, Degrassi is about to perform
Manny: Let's do this for JT.
(The routine starts and Sean sits down next to Emma.)
Announcer: Let's hear it for the Degrassi panthers! The final score is 9.0 putting Degrassi clearly in the lead.
At the pub
Marco: Hey Dylan!
Dylan: Marco what, what are you doing here?
Marco: Whatever. Who is this?
Dylan: Uh Julien. This is just Julien. Julien, Marco.
Julien: Nice to meet you.
Marco: Sorry I can't say the same Julien. Did Dylan here even bother to tell you that he's in a committed relationship or-?
Dylan: Marco woah.
Marco: Shut up curly. Because you know he is, or at least he was before he started cheating...again!
Dylan: Marco stop! Julien is from Zurich HC. A hockey team in Switzerland. He's been scouting me. They want me to play for them!
(Marco looks at Julien for confirmation.)
Julien: Yeah.
(Marco smiles embarrassed.)
At the cheerleading competition
Announcer: Let's see if Lakehurst can uh come up with an answer to that routine!
(They start performing.)
Danny: Lakehurst sucks!
Derek: Nobody wants you here. Leave!
Emma: Go home Lakehurst.
(They keep performing and Emma turns to Toby.)
Emma: We can do this. Go home Lakehurst!
(Everyone starts chanting 'Go home Lakehurst' and the squad starts screwing up their routine.)
Announcer: (Quietly to the other judges) That was unfortunate.
In the foyer
Manny: Is this what you wanted? Finally feeling self righteous enough?
Emma: Manny you won and you know what? I feel so much better. I think I can actually feel the school spirit coursing through my veins. Yeah call the media! Manny Santos has healed the entire school.
Damien: Now I know why Manny was your only friend. She's a saint to put up with your crap.
Sean: Take a big step back Lakehurst guy.
(A fight breaks out between everyone.)
Manny: Damien! Damien.
Ms. Hatzilakos: Okay that's enough. That's enough. Break it up. I said break it up. That's enough. Break it up, I said. Break it up! Alright this competition's over. I want everyone to leave and go home right now, except for the Degrassi students who are going to wait in the gym until everyone is gone. Move it! Now!
In the media immersion room
Mr. Simpson: You bought yourself detention for a month and I'm not sure that's all.
Emma: So?
Mr. Simpson: So I want you to know that I'm not exactly proud of you right now.
Emma: I'm sorry.
Mr. Simpson: Emma you ruined a competition that meant a lot to a lot of people.
Emma: And I care? Lakehurst killed JT!
Mr. Simpson: Wrong. One kid killed JT. You can't blame the entire school for that. It doesn't make any sense.
Emma: I'm just mad, okay? JT is gone and people like Manny want to pretend like it didn't happen, but it did happen and I'm pissed.
Mr. Simpson: We all are, okay? Including Manny, but you can't blame Manny. She's not the enemy. Emma she's your best friend and maybe it's time that you remember that. At Marco and Dylan's
(Dylan is packing up his hockey gear.)
Marco: As far as smells go, that's uh, that's just above road kill, but I'm gonna miss it.
Dylan: I'm not going anywhere, okay? Not yet. I'm just, just thinking about it.
Marco: Well as long as you're thinking about it, you just let me know when you've decided.
Dylan: See that's exactly why I didn't tell you because I knew you'd freak out.
Marco: How could I not, Dylan? What, what is it that you want me to say right now?
Dylan: Maybe that you're proud of me!
Marco: I am proud of you. You know that.
Dylan: No I don't. You never told me. To you hockey's my dumb hobby. To me it's life.
Marco: Dylan if this is what you want to do, then you got to do it.
Dylan: I want to be with you.
Marco: This is an opportunity knocking. Forget knocking, it's breaking the door down. You've got to do it, okay? So then uh how long...'til you go?
Dylan: There's work visas and stuff to figure out. Maybe a few weeks.
Marco: Well then we better make the most of it, huh?
(They lean in together.)
Outside Emma's house
Manny: So got your text. What do you want to show me?
Emma: This. This curb right here. This is where it happened. JT died here.
Manny: Em you don't have to show me this.
Emma: No I think I do because this whole thing between us, it isn't about Lakehurst or Damien. It's about what happened right here two weeks ago.
Manny: I know.
Emma: Manny I am really, really sorry for everything.
Manny: I know you are, but Emma you turned me into the bad guy. You tried to hate me.
Emma: Well it didn't work.
Manny: Anything we've ever gotten through has been together. Don't go and change the formula, okay?
Emma: Thanks for the reminder.
(They hug.) | Plan: A: Emma; Q: Who causes a riot between Degrassi and Lakehurst? A: J.T.; Q: Whose death did Emma feel was being glossed over? A: Manny; Q: Who does Emma not know how to tell that she doesn't want to move back home? A: Marco; Q: Who thinks Dylan is cheating on him again? Summary: Emma causes a riot between Degrassi and Lakehurst when she feels that J.T.'s death is being glossed over, while not knowing how to tell Manny that she doesn't want her to move back home. Meanwhile, Marco thinks Dylan is cheating on him again. |
ACT ONE
BRYCE ACADEMY
APRIL 3RD, 1967
3 P.M.
Scene One - School Science Lab - 35 Years Ago The science room is empty. Two towheaded boys, Frasier and Niles, stick their heads in.
Frasier: There he is, Niles. That's our Yorick.
The camera pans up to show a small human skull sitting on top of a cabinet.
Niles: He's perfect, Frasier! The missing link to our backyard production of "Hamlet!"
Frasier: Exactly what I was thinking. [makes a basket with his hands and leans over] Now get up there.
Niles: Why me?
Frasier: Because I'm the director, that's why.
Niles steps onto Frasier's hands and Frasier boosts him onto the shelf of the cabinet.
Frasier: Come on! Just get up there. Niles reaches up and takes down the skull.
Niles: [strikes a Shakespearean pose] Alas, poor Yorick. I knew him.
Frasier: Knock it off!
He bats Niles on the knee, causing him to drop the skull onto Frasier's head, and then onto the floor.
Frasier: Ow! [picks up the skull]
Niles: Are you okay?
Frasier: No!
He holds up the skull. The jaw has fallen off and there is a small crack on the surface.
Frasier: You cracked my skull!
[SCENE_BREAK]
Scene Two - Café Nervosa - Present Day Niles and Daphne are sitting at a table, while Frasier orders at the counter.
Frasier: [speaking quickly] Yes, may I get a double latte please, one shot of decaf espresso, one shot of regular espresso, with some steamed low-fat milk and some non-fat foam?
He looks the barista in the eye, as if daring him.
Barista: [staring right back] Sure. As he turns to the machine, Frasier goes to the table.
Niles: Well?
Frasier: He didn't even blink an eye. The man's unflappable.
Daphne: He's amazing, isn't he?
Niles: He made me a chai spice ristretto americano con panna as if people had been drinking them for centuries.
Frasier: Truly this is a golden age.
Niles: Oh, did Dad tell you? Our old house is on the market.
Frasier: No, but it doesn't surprise me. That whole area's undergoing what they call a "revitalization." Of course, they'll probably just tear it down and put up a Bennetton, or Bath & Body Works, or Sunglass Hut.
Niles: Actually, I sort of like Bath & Body Works.
Frasier: I do too.
Niles: Well, I had this crazy thought, Frasier. What if we bought the house?
Frasier: You mean as a rental property?
Niles: Perhaps, or as a guest maisonette for our out-of-town visitors?
Frasier: Daphne's mother, perhaps?
Niles: Oh, I hadn't thought of that!
Daphne: That's a good idea. Buy her a house and she'll never leave.
Frasier: You know, Niles, we could open it up to the general public.
Niles: That's not a bad idea. A warm bed...
Frasier: A freshly-baked scone...
Niles: For a moderate fee...
Frasier: It could pay for itself...
Niles: As a B & B!
Daphne: If you two break into song, I'm leaving.
Roz comes into the cafe.
Roz: Hello, everybody.
Frasier: Oh Roz, listen to this!
She stops and yawns.
Roz: I'm so sorry.
Frasier: That's all right. Here, have a seat. [pulls out her chair]
Roz: I just bought Alice a new hamster, and it's kept me up all night just running around that squeaky damn wheel.
Frasier: Oh...
Daphne: Why don't you get it a quieter wheel?
Niles: Or oil the squeak.
Frasier: Or take the wheel out at night.
Barista: [bringing Frasier's coffee] Or put the cage in another room?
Roz: Thank you. Where were you all at 3:00 this morning, when I was trying to shove a Sominex into a carrot?
Daphne: I used to have the same problem when I was raising show rats.
They all stop and look at her (as they so often do with Daphne).
Niles: You don't mean the nasty, plague-propagating vermin, do you?
Daphne: No. I mean purebred rats, as in Siamese or Himalayan or Husky. My most prized one was an Andalusian Blue named Lady Prissy - and she wasn't sick a day in her life, so don't go blaming all rats because of a few bad apples!
Frasier: A few bad apples? Daphne, they spread a disease that nearly wiped out half the population of Europe!
Daphne: Shows what you know. Those were common European brown rats.
Frasier: Yes, but the point is-
Daphne: Oh, no, no, no! I'll sit here and listen to you prattle on about wine and opera. But when it comes to rats, you're in my house.
[N.B. History has taken it for granted that the Black Death was bubonic plague, which would have been spread by ticks and fleas jumping off the hides of rats. However, recent research has suggested that the Black Death might actually have been a form of anthrax, in which case the rats were innocent and the cows were to blame.]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Scene Three - The Lasskopf House Frasier, Martin and Niles walk up to the front door.
Martin: Old Man Lasskopf must have owned this place fifty years. Wonder why he's selling?
Frasier: Probably because he can get fifty times what he paid for it.
Martin: Yeah, he sure knew how to squeeze a penny. You know, he never gave me back my security deposit. I might just bring that up.
Frasier rings the buzzer.
Niles: Oh no, you won't. Once we turn this place into a B&B;, we'll make it all back in tips.
Martin: What the hell is that supposed to mean-?
Mr. Lasskopf, a gaunt curmudgeon, opens the door.
Frasier: Oh, Mr. Lasskopf! So good to see you again, it's been a long time.
Lasskopf: What has?
Niles: We used to rent this house from you.
Frasier: Yes.
Niles: Uh, I'm Niles Crane, this is my brother, Frasier, and our dad. Do you remember?
Lasskopf: [looking at Frasier] Nope. [at Niles] Nope. [at Martin] You sort of look familiar.
Martin: Yeah, I should. I paid you rent for ten years, left the place in perfect condition, and you never gave me back my security deposit.
Lasskopf: Nope, don't remember you either. Come on in.
Niles: Go ahead, Dad.
They enter the house, which is empty and bare.
Martin: Oh boy, this brings back memories.
Frasier: Oh Niles, do you remember doing our homework up here at the dining room table?
Niles: Oh yes, and afternoon piano lessons...
Martin: Getting haircuts from your mother...
Frasier: And Mom's roll-top desk on this wall over here.
Niles: Where we wrote all the "Crane Boys Mysteries." I can still see you pacing in your writer's tweeds and half-glasses, dictating.
Frasier: And you in your shawl-collar sweater, hammering away at the keys of that old Royal typewriter.
Niles: Gosh, when did those two crazy kids become such a pair of old fuddy-duddies?
[N.B. See [8.19] "Daphne Returns," for the introduction of the Crane Boys Mysteries.]
Frasier: Oh, Niles! Do you remember? Here's the window we used to sneak out of after curfew. [opens it]
Martin: Really, you did? I never knew that.
Frasier: Sure, Dad, we, uh, we used to go out and, uh, chase the girls, and, uh, get a drink or two.
Martin: Well! [to Lasskopf] Boys will be boys.
Niles: Um, Frasier?
Frasier: Hmm?
He motions Frasier into another room.
Niles: We didn't chase girls, we went out to foreign films.
Frasier: You think Dad wants to hear that? Throw the guy a bone.
In the living room:
Martin: So, what made you finally decide to sell?
Lasskopf: Moving to the Cayman Islands.
Martin: Whoa, that'll be a change from Seattle.
Lasskopf: Gee, you think?
Martin: I hear they have great scuba diving down there. You scuba?
Lasskopf: Do I look like I scuba? I'm lucky I don't need a tank to breathe on land.
Martin: Just looking for a change of scenery, huh?
Lasskopf: Looking to be left alone. I'm not what you call a real social type.
Martin: [turns away, muttering] You sure made friends with my security deposit.
Frasier and Niles re-enter.
Frasier: You know, Niles, you're right. It's not big enough for a bed-and-breakfast.
Niles: No, but it did give us a nice walk down memory lane.
Frasier: Yes... Niles?
Niles: Hmm?
Frasier: Didn't we stash a memory box underneath one of these floorboards right around here?
Niles: Well, I thought you took that with you when we moved.
Frasier: I thought you took it! Do you suppose it's still here?
Niles: Well, it must be!
Frasier: Mr. Lasskopf, uh, would you mind if my brother and I had a look underneath one of the floorboards here? You see, we left a sort of time capsule underneath there.
Lasskopf: No, you don't. Nobody's pulling up any floor here.
Niles: Oh, no, no, we don't need to. The board was always loose.
Lasskopf: There's no loose boards. They've all been nailed down, I made sure of that.
Frasier: Well, couldn't we just check?
Lasskopf: Look, I came here to sell this place, not have it torn apart. Now are you serious buyers, or are we wasting our time here?
Niles: Well, allowing us to reclaim a small part of our past is hardly a waste of time.
Lasskopf: Well, it sounds like a load of tomfoolery to me. Let's go.
Frasier: Mr. Lasskopf, I assure you, my brother and I give tomfoolery no quarter! We never have!
Lasskopf: Oh, no? What do you call sneaking out to drink and chase girls?
Niles: No, no, no, that wasn't true! We went out to see foreign films.
Martin: I knew it.
Mr. Lasskopf opens the door, and Martin walks out. Frasier and Niles follow him, protesting.
[SCENE_BREAK]
IF THESE FLOORS COULD TALK
Scene Four - The Lasskopf House - Night Someone jimmies open the sneak-window from outside. A hand comes in with a valise full of tools, drops it on the floor, then withdraws. Then Frasier and Niles climb in. Both are dressed in dark sweaters and carrying flashlights.
Niles: There we go. Well done, Frasier. You've still got it.
Frasier: Thank you, Niles. Like riding a bicycle.
Each of them sweeps the room with his flashlight, then puts it away and lights a lantern.
Niles: Here we go... They take out their tools.
Frasier: All right, let's just find our memory box and get the hell out of here. I think it's around... here somewhere.
They stamp around, trying to locate the board.
Niles: I've got it, I've got it, I've got it. This one. They kneel down and Frasier starts prying the board up with a crowbar.
Frasier: See if I can get this in here... [does]
Niles: Yes, that's it. There it is, there it is, good.
Frasier pries up one, then two more to widen the hole.
Niles: A-ha, well done, Frasier. Yeah, I think that's as far as it'll go.
Frasier: All right, reach your hand in there and see what you can find.
Niles: I'm not going to put my hand down there, there could be rats.
Frasier: Maybe they're just down-on-their-luck show rats!
Niles: I know, what was that?
Frasier: Don't ask me, you're marrying her. All right, I'll do it.
He reaches in.
Niles: Careful, careful. All right, all right [looking over his shoulder] I can't see anything. Oh, it's not there, is it?
Frasier: Well, I don't know, hang on a minute. Hang on - wait, wait, wait!
Niles: Yeah?
Frasier: I've got, I've got - there's something... here it is.
His hand comes up holding a small human skull, browned with age. The jaw is missing and the surface is cracked. They both start and yell.
Frasier: Oh my God, Niles! Look...
Niles: [recoils] Don't give it to me! Is that real?
Frasier: It certainly feels real.
Niles: Well, what's it doing under the floor?
Frasier: How the hell should I know? I wonder who it could be?
Niles: Well, perhaps it's a builder who got trapped during construction, or a, an exterminator who was overcome with fumes.
Frasier: Excellent hypotheses, Niles. But unfortunately, neither is plausible.
Niles: Why not?
Frasier: Because, Niles, when you die, your head doesn't pop off like a champagne cork! It remains attached to the spine. And look here, Niles. The temporal bone has been fractured... as if struck by a blunt object.
Niles: So perhaps the poor fellow met his end in some-some sort of violent accident.
Frasier: Violent, yes. But an accident?
Zoom in on Niles' horror-struck (yet excited) face. They both take on voices a la Vincent Price.
Niles: Murder!
Frasier: Murder most foul.
[With apologies to Dame Agatha.]
END OF ACT ONE
ACT TWO
Scene Five - Apartment That same night at home, Martin is watching TV. Daphne opens the door to Roz and Alice.
Daphne: Hey Roz, Alice, come on in. [they do]
Roz: Hey, Martin. Is Frasier home?
Daphne: No, he and Niles went out - wine club or something.
Roz: Uh, he'll be back soon?
Daphne: Hard to say. Is everything all right? You seem a little edgy.
Roz: [lowers voice] Can I talk to you in the kitchen?
Daphne: Of course.
Roz: Martin, can Alice watch TV with you for a second?
Martin: Oh, sure she can.
Alice climbs up onto the couch while the ladies go into the kitchen.
Martin: What kind of TV do you like?
Alice: Cartoons.
Martin: Oh, really? Your mom lets you watch that stuff - the anvils and dynamite, and people falling over cliffs and things? [Alice nods] Great, then you should be all over this hockey game.
Reset to: Kitchen
Daphne: So, what's up?
Roz: Do you remember Alice's hamster I told you about?
Daphne: Yeah, still keeping you awake?
Roz: Not anymore. The dog ate it. Well, half of it.
Daphne: Oh, no. Something like that happened when I was a girl. One of our cats got into one of my rat cages and took little old Pink Bottom right out of show business.
Roz: Well, I don't mind the hamster dying. I just don't know how to break it to Alice. She's never had anything die before.
Daphne: Well, how did you parents explain it to you?
Roz: [exhales] The wrong way. When I was six, my canary died. And that evening, my dad sat on the bed next to me and said, "dying is just going to sleep and never waking up." Then he turned off the light and said good night.
Daphne: Well, I'm sure Dr. Crane will have some good advice on how to handle this.
Roz: Yeah. I mean, I know we kid him and stuff, but when it comes right down to it, he's one of the smartest people I know.
SMASH CUT TO:
[SCENE_BREAK]
Scene Six - Lasskopf House Frasier gazes at the skull held up in his left hand. Niles stands behind him with a white cloth for handling it.
Frasier: One thing is certain: someone is very dead.
Niles: Well, Poirot, you've done it again. Look, can we just put that thing down and call the police?
Frasier: No, no, no, hang on a minute, Niles! I mean, this skull's been underneath there for a long time now, what's another hour going to hurt? Niles, we have a real Crane Boys Mystery here. Why don't we see if we can dig up a few more clues?
Beat. Niles gets excited.
Niles: Ooh, all right, fair enough.
Frasier: Here.
Niles takes the skull and places it on the mantelpiece.
Niles: So, uh, what do we know? We have a victim - or part of one.
Frasier: Correct. Can we establish motive?
Niles: Not without knowing who the victim is.
Frasier: Correct. Can we establish opportunity?
Niles: Whose opportunity?
Frasier: Whose indeed? It would have to be someone who's had access to this house over the years.
Niles: Yes well, we can rule out Mom and Dad.
Frasier: And of course what would you and I be doing with a human skull?
Niles chuckles.
Frasier: [realizes] Oh wait, Niles! [laughs] Oh, dear God, we're idiots.
Niles: [still as investigator] Why are we idiots?
Frasier: Niles, use your brain! Think back... to elementary school.
Niles: I'm not following.
Frasier: Oh, don't you remember? That was about the time when...
He drapes the cloth over the skull, like a shawl.
Frasier: Mrs. Lasskopf disappeared.
Niles: Oh my God, you're right. And-and you know, they used to fight all the time.
Frasier: Yes, and then suddenly she stopped coming around.
Niles: Well, I always thought that was because they split up.
Frasier: Did they? Or did he split her up? Cutting off her head and hands, so that the body couldn't be identified by dental records or fingerprints!
Niles: I don't know, Frasier, that's pretty out there... although it would explain why Lasskopf didn't want us poking around under the floor. Frasier! We have a victim and a suspect.
Frasier: All right, not so fast, Niles. Are you forgetting Item One from
"Top Truths for Teen Sleuths: A Crane Boys' Mysteries Workbork"?
Niles: "A case is rarely elementary, but-"
Both: "Always evidentiary!"
Frasier: Yes, exactly! The only evidence we have is the skull. Niles... hand me those tools. Unless I miss my guess, this floor isn't done talking!
Niles hands him the crowbar.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Scene Seven - Later Half the floor has been pried up, and all of the walls have been stripped. Frasier rushes in from the garage carrying a shoebox and his lantern.
Frasier: Niles, you'll never guess what I just found in the...! Niles, where are you?!
In a scene right out of "The Case of the Red-Headed League," Niles's head emerges from the hole in the floor with his lantern.
Niles: I'm here! I found our memory box, [lifts it out] and I think... [holds up a large rock] this rock could be the murder weapon.
Frasier: Why that rock instead of all the other rocks down there?
Niles: It's pointier.
Frasier: Drop the rock, Niles. The garage has given up something far more interesting.
Niles does, and climbs out. Frasier opens the shoe box and unfolds a bank statement.
Frasier: Take a look at this financial statement.
Niles: [gasps] It appears the Lasskopfs had quite a windfall.
Frasier: Yes, and it was just before the time they asked us to leave.
Niles: [stands up] I see, I see. So, he killed her, collected the insurance money, and then evicted us, so he'd have a safe place to dispose of the body!
Frasier: Bravo, Niles! But no! Insurance is messy. They always require a body and a death certificate before they'll pay off. And messier still, he would have had to kill her, conceal the body, get rid of us, and then bring the body back here.
Niles: Well, if that's not insurance, then...? [sees Frasier's expectant look] Inheritance.
Frasier: Exactly! Her parents die, and leave everything to her. Which means that now the Lasskopfs want for nothing, but she's the provider.
Niles: And never misses an opportunity to remind him of it. He's emasculated!
Frasier: Desperately!
[N.B. Shades of Maris.]
Niles picks up the skull, with the shawl still on it.
Frasier: And so, he hatches a plan. "Darling, why don't we evict the Cranes? We don't need their rent money anymore."
This kills me - Niles holds up the skull and speaks through it like Senor Wences.
Niles: [old lady voice] "No, thanks to my family's frugal nature and untimely death."
Frasier: And so, out go the Cranes, and the house is empty. "Darling, why don't we go see in what condition the Cranes have left the house, hmm?"
Niles: "You go, you lazy parasite, I'm having my nails done!" [off Frasier's look] I mean, "OK!"
Niles puts down the skull and goes to Frasier's side, as if they are the Lasskopfs walking through the door.
Frasier: So... in they stroll - he with murderous intent, she with nary an inkling of the tragedy about to befall her.
Niles looks around the room with la-dee-da insouciance.
Frasier: He pretends to inspect the house... "Darling, why what's this mark over here on the wall?" [points to the wall]
Niles: "Where?" [walks over to the wall]
Frasier: "There, look." [Niles bends over] "Closer, closer..." And as she leans in... [comes up behind Niles] he does her in!
Niles: "No, Alfred, no!" [normal voice] - oh, that makes perfect sense.
Frasier: Yes! We have a victim, we have a motive, and we have evidence for both!
Niles: If only we had a murder weapon to tie it all together.
Frasier: Niles, don't you remember? As in many a Crane Boys case, the absence of a weapon does not mean the absence of a crime! Perhaps he pushed her down the stairs, as in "The Case of the Unhappy Landing!"
Niles: I always thought the title gave it away.
Frasier: Mmm. Well, then we can rename it once we have them published.
Niles: Do you think that would ever happen?
Frasier: Are you kidding? Once this hits the papers?!
[SCENE_BREAK]
Scene Eight - Apartment Martin is dozing in his Chair. Alice is asleep on the couch. Daphne tiptoes in with the laundry basket and wakes him up.
Daphne: [whispering] I'm just gonna go down and check on the laundry. If Alice wakes up, keep an eye on her, will you?
Martin: What happened to Roz?
Daphne: Alice's hamster died, so Roz just stepped out to the pet store to get her a new one.
Martin: Sure, no problem.
Daphne leaves. Alice wakes up at the sound of the door closing.
Alice: Where's Mommy?
Martin: Oh hi, hon. Uh, your mom'll be right back.
Alice: Can we watch hockey?
Martin: Uh, no, the game's over, sweetheart. Canadiens won, by the way, so you owe me ten bucks.
Alice comes over with her little purse and gives it to him.
[N.B. So cute - but where does a three year-old find ten dollars to call her own?]
Alice: I miss my hamster.
Martin: I know you do, sweetheart. [lifts her onto his lap] and I'm sure he's up in Hamster Heaven missing you too.
Alice: What is Hamster Heaven?
Martin: Well, that's where hamsters go when they die.
Alice: Mommy said he was lost.
Martin: [realizes] Oh, oh... oh, no.
Alice: When will he come back?
Martin: Oh, boy. Well... when a hamster goes to hamster heaven, it can't come back. But that's OK.
Alice: Why?
Martin: Oh, 'cause it's great up there. They got exercise wheels on every corner, and the streets are paved with... what do hamsters eat?
Alice: Hamster food.
Martin: Ah well, that's what the streets are paved with. And there aren't any cats to chase them.
Alice: Does cats have a heaven too?
Martin: Oh, sure! Yeah, same deal, except no wheels, and their streets are paved with fish.
Alice: [looks at Eddie] What about dogs?
Martin: Yeah, dogs too. Just about all animals have a heaven.
Alice: Is Eddie going?
Martin: [surprised, laughs] Oh, no! Not-not Eddie. Not for a long time anyway. I mean, he's really still just a puppy.
Alice: How old is he?
Martin: Uh, he's about ten.
Alice: That's not a puppy!
Martin: Well... uh, hey, why don't we see if there are any cartoons on TV?
As he picks up the remote, Daphne enters with the laundry, followed by Roz carrying a hamster in a cage.
Daphne: Look who's here.
Roz: Hey, everybody! Look, Alice! Look what Mommy found.
Alice: A new hamster!
Roz: New? What makes you think he's new?
Alice: Because animals don't come back from heaven. Right, Uncle Martin?
Martin: Right. [to Roz] We sort of had a little talk.
Roz: You what?
Martin: Well, uh, look, I didn't mean-
Roz: Having little talks with Alice is my territory, not yours.
Martin: Well, look, uh, it was an accident. Like I said, I'm sorry.
Roz: Okay. [lowers voice] But death is a tough concept for a kid, I don't want her to be scared or confused.
Alice: [re: hamster] I like this one better.
Roz: [chuckles] Well, I guess she'll pull through. [touches his shoulder] Thanks for handling it.
Martin: No problem.
Roz: Come on, Alice. Goodnight, Martin.
Martin: Goodnight, Roz. Goodnight, Alice.
Alice: Goodnight, Uncle Martin. Bye, Eddie.
They leave, taking the hamster with them.
Martin: Here, boy.
Eddie runs over and jumps into Martin's lap. Martin looks at him thoughtfully for a moment, then kisses his head and hugs him tightly.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Scene Nine - Lasskopf House Frasier and Niles stand in the middle of the room as policemen photograph and tag the crime scene. Squad cars are heard outside.
A policeman brings in Mr. Lasskopf by the arm.
Lasskopf: Oh my God! My house! What have you done to my house?
Cop: Is this the man you told me about?
Frasier: Yes, it is, Officer.
Lasskopf: Well, what the hell's going on?
Niles: We dug up your wife, that's what's going on!
Lasskopf: [horrified] You dug up my wife?!
Frasier: I'll bet you thought nobody ever would, didn't you?
Lasskopf: [truthfully] No!
Niles: Well, you didn't count on the Crane boys.
Lasskopf: But, uh... how could you?
Niles: Oh, a little luck and some simple deductive reasoning.
Frasier: That's enough questions out of you! I think this officer here has a few questions he'd like to ask you himself.
Cop: That's right, sir. Come this way, Mr. Lasskopf.
He leads Lasskopf out.
Frasier: Nice work, men. Well, Niles, another Crane Boys Mystery solved.
Niles: Wait'll we tell Dad!
They start to leave-
Frasier: Oh, oh, we almost forgot our memory box. [chuckles] You know, we never even looked inside.
He lifts the box and opens the lid.
Frasier: Oh Niles, look.
Niles: Oh... this is the program for our backyard production of "Hamlet!" [lifts it out]
Frasier: I'd totally forgotten about that!
Niles: So had I!
Niles opens the program... and then shuts it, both of them looking up as it finally clicks.
Frasier: You know, Niles... we may owe Mr. Lasskopf an apology.
Niles replaces the program in the box. Glancing at the policeman still photographing the house, Frasier mouths, "let's go!" and they slip out as quietly as possible.
END OF ACT TWO
[SCENE_BREAK]
Café Nervosa:
Frasier goes to the counter as Niles watches from a nearby table. Frasier signals Niles that he's finally got a zinger for the waiter.
He gives the order. Without missing a beat, the waiter puts a cup of coffee on the counter, then produces a small caramelizing torch and sets it afire.
Checked again, Frasier takes his cafe flambé to his table. | Plan: A: The first scene; Q: What scene of this episode is a flashback to Frasier and Niles as schoolchildren? A: the school science laboratory; Q: Where did Frasier and Niles steal a skull from? A: Hamlet; Q: What play did Frasier and Niles steal a skull from to use in? A: The Cranes' old family house; Q: What is up for sale? A: The owner; Q: Who does Mr Lasskopf claim to be? A: Martin; Q: Who remembers that Mr Lasskopf never returned their security deposit? A: a memory chest; Q: What do the brothers remember is hidden under a loose floorboard? A: a human skull; Q: What do Frasier and Niles find before they find the memory chest? A: an unsolved murder; Q: What do the brothers think they have stumbled upon? A: Mrs Lasskopf; Q: Who is the victim of the unsolved murder that the brothers stumble upon? Summary: The first scene of this episode is a flashback to Frasier and Niles as schoolchildren, stealing a skull from the school science laboratory to use in a production of Hamlet . The Cranes' old family house is up for sale, and Frasier and Niles decide to pay it another visit, wondering if it would be worth purchasing and turning into a bed and breakfast . The owner, Mr Lasskopf, has no memory of them, but Martin remembers that he never returned their security deposit . The brothers soon realise that the house is too small to be a bed and breakfast, but then they remember that there is a memory chest hidden under a loose floorboard, so they return secretly after dark to find it. First, however, they find a human skull, and leap to the conclusion that they have stumbled upon an unsolved murder, involving Mrs Lasskopf. |
Hotel Employee: [on phone] Vancouver Court Hotel, how many I help you?
Michael: Hello Vancouver, this is Michael Scott calling from the United States of America! I have a reservation in your fair city from February 12th to the 19th, first week of the Olympics.
Hotel Employee: Well, we are looking forward to having you, so, let me just pull up your information here...
Michael: Okey doke.
Hotel Employee: Um, I don't seem to have it, sir.
Michael: What?
Dwight: [looking through Michael's email] I'm not seeing anything under "confirmation."
Michael: No.
Dwight: Could it be under "affirmation?" Cause you have thousands of those.
Michael: No. [to hotel employee on phone] We're trying to look it up right now.
Dwight: You did get the e-vite to my barbeque!
Michael: Um, come on.
Dwight: Michael...
Hotel Employee: Uh, sir? A lot of people are trying to get last-minute reservations at hotels here for the Olympics, but we've been fully booked for months.
Michael: Well, I have been booked for three years, so you should have that. I've always heard that British Columbia is a very nice place, but I am not getting that from this conversation.
Dwight: Wait, I got it! Confirmation code[/b]: XV2RDM!
Hotel Employee: ...Oh, here it is. Yep.
Michael: Oh.
Dwight: Thank you.
Hotel Employee: Uh-huh. Seven nights in our street-view economy single?
Michael: That's it!
Hotel Employee: Yeah, we changed it since it was a while back. I do apologize.
Michael and Dwight: Uh-huh, okay...
Hotel Employee: Yeah, how may I help you Mr. Scott?
Michael: Alright, I would like to cancel my reservation, please.
Hotel Employee: There is a cancellation fee for this, sir.
Michael: Okay, put it on my card.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: Today, Jo Bennett, the CEO from Sabre, is coming to see us here for the first time. She bought us sight unseen, like a mail-order bride, so she's gotta be kinda nervous. I mean, are we ugly? Are we smart? Are we cool? Are we too cool? Do we speak English?
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: [Jo Bennett enters with two humongous dogs, everyone stands to welcome her except Dwight] Why hello!
Gabe: This is Michael Scott, co-regional manager of this branch.
Michael: Pleasure to meet you, Miss Bennett.
Jo: Oh, that's Mrs. Bennett, sweetheart. My husband and I are divorced, but I kept the "Mrs." just to piss off the new wife. Well, let's take a gander around this place.
Andy: [Jo's dogs are sniffing at his crotch] These sure are pretty dogs...
Jo: They love a good crotch.
Andy: They sure do.
Jo: You should take that as a compliment!
Andy: Oh, I do!
Jo: [to Dwight] Hello.
Dwight: Hello.
Jo: Do you always stay seated when a lady enters the room?
Dwight: I am treating you the same as a man, for whom I would also not stand. Unless it was the President. Or Judge Judy.
Jo: I like that.
Gabe: This is Accounting.
Kevin: Hi!
Jo: Good-looking group.
Gabe: Over here is Meredith Palmer and Creed Bratton.
Jo: Another couple of heartbreakers. Who is this tall drink of sun tea?
Gabe: That is Jim Halpert, he is the co-regional manager of this office.
Jo: [gesturing to Michael] I thought this guy was the manager?
Gabe: Oh, he is. He's the co-manager, and that's the other co-manager.
Jo: Two guys doing one job? We gotta do something about that!
[SCENE_BREAK]
Andy: Got some Valentine's cards for my coworkers and my bro-workers.
Angela: [as Andy is passing her a card] No, no!
Kevin: What, no candy?
[SCENE_BREAK]
Andy: Valentine's Day, right around the corner. Erin and I have been on zero dates. So I got her a Valentine's Day card, but I didn't wanna seem "too eager," so I got cards for everyone in the whole office to kind of dilute it a little bit.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Andy: [throwing a card at Meredith, which skims her throat][/b]: Look alive.
Meredith: Ow! Geez, you gave me a paper cut on my throat!
[SCENE_BREAK]
Meredith: Yeah, I have this thing about men cutting or threatening to cut my throat. Don't try to cut my throat.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: Jo, I don't know how things work in Florida, which from your description sounds like a colorful, lawless swamp, but here it takes two men to do one job, where in Florida it might take one very strong woman to do such a job.
Jim: Whoa, whoa.
Michael: Whoa, whoa!
Jim: I'll take over. Um, what we're doing here[/b]: Michael handles more of the "big-picture" stuff, and I handle more of the day-to-day stuff, so together...
Jo: Yeah. I think I understand.
Jim: Alright.
Jo: Each of you is doing half a job.
Jim: No.
Michael: And sometimes I can hardly handle that!
Jo: This is knucklehead talk. I'm not gonna bite it, you know. You can't give me gravy and tell me it's jelly, because gravy ain't sweet! Is it, Jim?
Jim: I don't think so.
Jo: Michael?
Michael: Forget the question...
Jo: I think one of you should return to sales, and the other one be manager.
Michael: I humbly accept the management position.
Jim: I... Why would you just say something like that?
Michael: Because, well, Jim. Where I'm from, two types of folk[/b]: those who ain't, and those who are knee-high on a grasshopper. Which type ain't you ain't? Ya'll come back now.
Jim: Do you even know what that means?
Michael: Yes.
Jo: Well, I'm gonna let this marinate. So you can go.
Jim: Um...
Jo: You can go on. Shoo!
[SCENE_BREAK]
Jo: I'm Jolene Bennett, Jo for short. I'm a breast cancer survivor, close, personal friends with Nancy Pelosi, and Truman Capote and I slept with three of the same guys. When I was a little girl, I was terrified to fly, and now I have my own pilot's license. I am CEO of Sabre International, and I sell the best damn printers and all-in-one machines Korea can make. Pleased to meet you.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Andy: [almost running into Erin] Whoa-oh, traffic jam!
Erin: Uh-oh, traffic jam on route three!
Andy: [imitating car noises] Beep-beep! Beeooop-beep!
Erin: Beep! Twenty people dead in a pile-up!
Andy: There's blood everywhere! Um, I got you a Valentine's card.
Erin: [opening card] Oh, you did? Aw, a bird and a dog!
Andy: Yeah, well it's Snoopy and Woodstock.
Erin: You named them?
Andy: Uh, Charles Schultz did. I thought it was relevant cause I got you all those birds for Christmas, remember?
Erin: Uh, yeah I do remember. [reading card] Aw, they love each other.
Andy: Oh, look at that. They sure do. I hadn't noticed.
Erin: Wow, it smells really good too.
Andy: Yeah! It's Roger Federer for men, I sprayed some in there.
Erin: Andy, whoa! Thank you very much!
Andy: It's got pheromones in it.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Jo: Hey!
Kevin: Hi.
Jo: [to Angela, who's having a hard time deciding on a chair] Just choosing seats, not getting married. Chop, chop little onion!
Kevin: Jo, there's books in my chair.
Jo: That's right, darlin', now you're the proud new owner of a Sabre handbook and my autobiography. Now, you all must be in a tizzy. I can see it on your faces, I mean, what's going on now? I mean, who owns Dunder Mifflin? Right? I mean, Sabre? What's that? Some company I've never heard of? Down in Tallahassee? Where is that? Near Mars?
Michael: No, we know. Texas!
Jo: Now Dunder Mifflin has an arm's reach in all these small businesses all over the northeast. Now we're gonna take that arm, and we're gonna start selling printers.
Michael: I could manage my way around that.
Jo: They're the easiest-to-use printers on the market.
Michael: I will try to manage my excitement!
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: I have been saying the word "manager" a lot, so whenever Jo thinks "manager" she thinks of me. Camel cigarettes did the same thing with Joe Camel by making him look like a pen1s. I can't even go near a cigarette now without thinking of a pen1s. And vise-versa.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Jo: I think that's it. So we're all good! [many employees raise their hands] Thanks ya'll.
Dwight: [Jo leaves] I, uh...
[SCENE_BREAK]
Kelly: [reading her Valentine's card from Andy] Oh my God.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Kelly: I guess Andy likes me. I never thought of him in that way. But, I guess in most romantic comedies, the guy you're supposed to be with is the one you never thought of in that way. You might have even thought he was annoying or possibly homosexual.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Pam: So, check this out. According to the handbook, you could make more money as a salesman than as a manager. They have all these incentive programs. I ran your numbers from last year.
Jim: This is way more than I make now.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Jim: I don't think I'm gonna miss being manager. You know how some people say they're not in it for the money? Well, with all due respect to this job, I think I'm definitely in it for the money. And quite honestly, the women.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Jim: Hey, you got a second?
Michael: Sure. You here to tell me that you think I would be a better manager and that you are sorry for being such a jerk?
Jim: Actually, yeah.
Michael: What?
Jim: Exactly that. I think that you absolutely deserve the manager position more than I do.
Michael: What? Really?
Jim: Yeah!
Michael: Wow!
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: La la la, hello Oscar!
Oscar: Michael. Reading.
Michael: What are you reading?
Oscar: The Atlantic.
Michael: Oh, that is my favorite ocean! I love it! I am so happy right now. No! I can't keep it a secret any longer. Jim is stepping down to salesman, I am going to be the sole manager once again.
Oscar: I should step into sales myself.
Michael: Why, is there an untapped gay market?
Oscar: Sabre has no caps on commissions. He can make a lot more money in sales.
Michael: ...Where did you get that information.
Oscar: Manual.
Michael: Manuel who?
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: Well, according to the manual, there is no cap on commissions. I have been hustled.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: Son of a bitch. [enters conference room] Pardon me.
Jo: Oh, speak of the devil. We were just talking about you. Have a seat!
Michael: Okay.
Jo: Now Jim here is thinking about taking himself out of the running for being manager.
Michael: Really? Aw, that is so sweet of you! But, I cannot accept, because I have been thinking about it, and I think I wanna go back to sales.
Jo: Really?
Jim: Really.
Michael: Yeah. You can take the man out of the salesman, but you can't take the sales out of salesman.
Jo: Well, I think you're both being a little too modest.
Jim: No, I really, really think Michael is better at being manager for so many reasons.
Michael: No, I think I would be bad. I would sleep in my office, and I would sexually harass people.
Jim: Why would you do that?
Michael: I'm turning myself in right now!
Jo: You know, Michael, you have more experience in sales and management, so I'm gonna defer to your judgment.
Michael: Thank you.
Jo: I think you [to Michael] will become the salesman, and congratulations! [to Jim] You're gonna be the new manager of this branch!
Michael: Great! That's great. Congratulations. Have fun signing my commission checks, boss.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Pam: [pointing to the window in Michael's office] Oh, Michael marked his heights. He's grown!
Jim: Mm!
[SCENE_BREAK]
Dwight: [on phone] Bobcat, this is Dragon. Listen. He's been promoted to sole manager. We've got to step this up. Meet me behind the dumpster in ninety seconds. [hangs up phone] 89... 88...
[SCENE_BREAK]
Dwight: You're twenty minutes late!
Ryan: [walking up] Um, I was at another dumpster!
Dwight: Just admit you lost track of time.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Dwight: Ryan and I have been meeting up to work on our diabolical plot against Jim. Ryan is always late for our meetings. I wish I had a lair.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Ryan: Did you see Saw?
Dwight: Of course I seesaw. Mose and I seesaw all the time.
Ryan: No, uh, the movie. Did you see the movie Saw?
Dwight: Oh, yeah. Great film. Almost as fun as going on a seesaw.
Ryan: Okay, the reason these movies are so popular, is the element of psychological torment.
Dwight: I like where you're going with this. Continue.
Ryan: Could we lure him into an old warehouse or something?
Dwight: I have an old barn!
Ryan: Yes!
Dwight: It's kinda smelly, but that might be a plus! And then what?
Ryan: We do what they did in Saw! ... I mean, we don't kill him, obviously. I have a mask...
Dwight: Okay, that's your idea? Exactly like in the movie!? That is the most idiotic thing I have ever heard in my life!
Ryan: Well suggest something else then! Don't just...
Dwight: He's supposed to cut his leg off? Think!
Ryan: Don't just criticize my idea!
Dwight: Think!
Ryan: You think of something then!
[SCENE_BREAK]
Erin: Michael, I'm worried that, uh, not all your toys are gonna fit on your new desk.
Michael: How is that possible?
Erin: Well, in your old office there were all those ledges and extra space.
Michael: No excuses Erin, come on! Make it happen.
Erin: You know, I actually think I should get back to work. Jim asked me to do some stuff, and he's manager.
Michael: Oh, yeah. Fine, fine. Leave it here. I have to make some sales anyway. Who should I call with my magic sales fingers? [Michael's phone rings] Michael Scott, head of sales.
Jim: [on phone] You gotta do something, man. You can't just sit there.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Dwight: The new IT guy. Nick.
Ryan: Nick.
Dwight: I think he is the key. He's very trusting, he's looking for friends, he has been given an awesome amount of power, and does not know how to wield it.
Ryan: Like Frodo!
Dwight: Why don't you just let me handle the Tolkien references, okay dumb jock?
Ryan: Well, I think he can be corrupted. Like Gollum.
Dwight: Smeagol was corrupted and became Gollum.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Dwight: I might start a diabolical plot against him after this one.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Erin: Who's hungry?
Jim: What is that?
Erin: It's ants on a log. Michael would always have me bring them in at 2:30 and say "Who's hungry?"
Jim: Oh. I'm fine. Thank you, though.
Erin: Do you want me to spin you in your chair and make you dizzy?
Jim: Why would I wanna do that?
Erin: It's a thinking technique. All the top executives do it. It keeps the brain moving, and a spinning brain is a working brain.
Jim: For now, I'm just gonna go back to work here...
Erin: Oh sure.
Jim: Yeah. Thank you.
Erin: Well.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: [on phone] It will be a pleasure doing business with you. Thanks, bye. [hangs up phone, blows train whistle] I just got a new account for the gentleman's club in Carbondale. It is called "Curves." I went by there the other day, saw some of the women walking in. Not really my cup of tea. Actually, Kevin, you might like it!
Kevin: Nice!
Dwight: You know, we really don't announce out loud our sales that much.
Michael: Why not? It's part of the sales experience.
Dwight: It's not really 1992 anymore.
Michael: Well, okay...
[SCENE_BREAK]
Kelly: [reading Andy's card] You brighten my day with the sound of your voice, you bring so much laughter and love, you're everything to me, and I was so blessed when God sent you here to me.
Erin: Geez louise.
Kelly: I know, obsessed with me much?
Erin: Well, everyone got one.
Kelly: What did yours say?
Erin: Friends are worth sharing a doghouse with.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Erin: It's no wonder that Andy gave Kelly such a romantic card. I can't compete with her. That girl can sing, and dance, and gets all of her clothes at the mall. And I feel like such a fool for thinking that Andy was only going after one girl, cause Andy Bernard is a playboy. And, why shouldn't he be? He's got it all.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Dwight: Ho-ho. There he is, the IT guy. So you discovered the break room.
Nick: Uh, yep.
Dwight: I imagine one of the best things about being an IT guy is, you get to know everyone's computer passwords.
Nick: No, I actually don't.
Dwight: Listen, I know you have to say that, but we got a little problem here. There is an employee named Jim Halpert, and he is doing some terrible things, okay? He is molesting people via the internet. And we need to stop him.
Nick: I think that you should call the cops.
Dwight: No, the cops called us. So I'm gonna need you to give me the password to Jim Halpert's computer.
Nick: I don't know what to tell you, man. I'm sorry, I just can't give out his password like that.
Ryan: Nick. We could make things very, very difficult for you.
Nick: Are you... you threatening me?
Ryan: Threatening you? No. [tries to crush an aluminum can, Dwight crushes an apple]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: What is that smell? Do you smell that? What is that? Like a sulfur deposit under here?
Pam: Michael, stop.
Michael: No, I'm serious, we don't have to put up... Is it the dogs?
Pam: Michael...
Michael: You know what, we don't have to deal with this. I am going to Google sulfur maps.
Dwight: Michael, it's Phyllis.
Michael: No, this is geological.
Phyllis: I sent an email out to everyone in this area that this might be a side effect to my new allergy medication I'm on.
Michael: Are you kidding me?
Phyllis: No.
Michael: And you guys are okay with this?
Dwight: She sent an email, so.
Phyllis: I did.
Andy: [has two tissues in his nostrils] It's not cause of the smell. I'm just expecting a nosebleed.
Michael: Oh my God.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Kelly: Oh! You scared me!
Andy: I'm sorry, I thought you saw me.
Kelly: I didn't see you. And you were there all along. [takes papers out of copy machine] Well, I warmed it up for you so, should be good to go.
Andy: Cool, thanks.
Kelly: Bye, Andy. [kisses his cheek]
Andy: ...That was weird.
Meredith: No it ain't. We all saw the Valentine you gave her.
Andy: I don't even know what that card said.
Meredith: Believe me, if I got that card? We'd be in the bathroom doin' it right... now.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: Hey.
Jim: Hey.
Michael: You know, it's funny. I used to stand in here and wish I was out there. Now I'm out there, and I wish I was in here.
Jim: Well, the grass is always greener.
Michael: Yeah. Except there's no grass out there. It's just a farty dirt patch.
Jim: Well, it's what you wanted.
Michael: I really need my job back. We made a terrible mistake here.
Jim: For the record, I fought this. Alright? And now, I'm not really sure what we do.
Michael: We make a poster that says "Happy Opposite Day!" and she sees it on the way out... Nah, that's stupid. Ugh! I wish we had one of those amnesia flashlights from Men in Black.
Jim: Hey, what was that movie where their boss was within earshot and they could've just gone and talked to her.
Michael: Lethal Weapon?
Jim: That's it. I think we should do it the Lethal Weapon way.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Jo: You two are grown-ass men. What do I have to do, fire you and get two people in here who don't need so much management?
Michael: What? What I'm saying...
Jim: Michael's saying he's better at being manager, and I agree, cause he's a better people person, weirdly.
Michael: And weirdly I'm a good dog person, right guys? [dogs go to him] See? They love me.
Jo: Fine. I don't care which one of you does which job, just stop meeting with me to talk about it.
Jim: Alright.
Michael: Alright!
Jo: [cell phone rings] Oh, I gotta take this. Yep. Uh, finish walking my dogs for me. And don't ride 'em. Lotta people try to ride 'em.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Andy: [Erin leaves room] Excuse me? Everyone? Please check your emails, I just sent you the following message[/b]: "Coworkers, you may have received a Valentine from me. Please understand this does not mean that I like you in any way."
Phyllis: You don't even like us as friends?
Andy: Phyllis, you guys are like my closest friends. I just mean I don't like-like you.
Oscar: What are we, five?
Andy: "Please don't read into this card. Yours in professionalism, Nard dog."
Kelly: [entering with Erin] Um, why did I just receive a mass email from you that said that you don't like me? Do you realize how hard that makes me like you, Andy?
Andy: It's n-- that wasn't... I like someone else.
Kelly: Who?
Andy: It's not... Whether or not, you...
Kelly: Who, what?
[SCENE_BREAK]
Erin: Yeah, I guess Andy never liked Kelly. How about that?
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: Oh, it smells good in here.
Erin: Sure does! Okay, we have your space heater, your humidifier, your dehumidifier, your fan, your foot fan, and your food dehydrator.
Michael: Erin, what about my keyboard? [Erin hits a button on an electronic keyboard, playing a beat] Aw, so good to be home. How about a little Bosa Nova?
Erin: Oh! [hits another key, they awkwardly dance together]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Pam: [gesturing to Michael dancing in his office] He looks happy.
Jim: Yep.
Dwight: Well, well, well. Hm. Boss for, what was it? Oh, four and a half hours? New record. Low. Previous record? Henry Rosston. Boss for nine years, four months. And he only left because he had family matters to attend to and he [Jim dunks Dwight's tie in his coffee cup, Pam smiles] what? Michael!
[SCENE_BREAK]
Dwight: [entering elevator with Ryan] I can't help but think that something we did made this possible.
Ryan: Jim dug his own grave, but maybe we provided the shovel.
Dwight: Oh temp, I like that. I'm going to engrave that into a piece of wood. Care to celebrate with a drink?
Ryan: I would love to. [elevator doors close, then reopen in the lobby] Why not?
Dwight: Because! Martini bars are pretentious. No thank you.
Ryan: Well, I'm sorry that I don't want farm boy swill like you do, you know.
Dwight: It is not "farm boy swill," I will show you. It is beet Vodka and it is delicious.
Ryan: I am not interested in anything I have to make myself! | Plan: A: The office; Q: Who is eager to welcome Sabre CEO Jo Bennett to Scranton? A: her Southern ways; Q: What is the office dazzled by about Jo Bennett? A: two branch managers; Q: How many branch managers does Sabre have? A: Jim; Q: Who surrenders his role as manager when he learns about the no cap commission policy? A: a salesman; Q: What does Jo Bennett want Michael or Jim to go back to being? A: things; Q: What does Michael's knowledge of the no cap commission policy make difficult? A: Meanwhile, Andy's Valentine's Day plan; Q: What backfires when Andy accidentally gives the card he meant for Erin to Kelly? Summary: The office is eager to welcome Sabre CEO Jo Bennett to Scranton, and are dazzled by her Southern ways. When Jo finds out there are two branch managers, she says either Michael or Jim must go back to being a salesman. Jim surrenders his role as manager when he comes to know about the no cap commission policy, making Michael happy, but then Michael comes to know about it too, making things difficult. Meanwhile, Andy's Valentine's Day plan for Erin backfires when he accidentally gives the card he meant for her to Kelly. |
[We open with just blue lights and mostly naked, mostly wet men. Wet chests. Flashing lights. A man who looks suspiciously like a woman. Wet. Naked. The only not naked guy in the entire building is Michael.]
Michael: You know, it's gonna happen.
Ben: What's gonna happen?
Michael: That we're gonna go back to your place.
Ben: Yeah?
Michael: And then I rip off your clothes.
Ben: Sounds good, after that?
Michael: I rip my opinion like wrestle-mania. Let's just dance the bitching match. I work with my tongue down...
Ben: Why?
Michael: Why gonna this far?
Ben: OK. I say let's get out of here and f*ck.
Michael: Well, that's my fantasy anytime. [He looking to Brian] Brian! You're back. How was Miami?
Brian: It rained every day and I never left the hotel.
Ben: Uh, that White Party was a real success.
Brian: [to Ben] Not as good as the one a couple of years ago.
Ben: Yeah.
Michael: You two are at the White Party together?
Brian: A long time before Pittsburgh.
Ben: Yeah, I was there to a research for a paper. "The Influrences of Tribal Ritual On Queer Cultures Yet."
Michael: C'mon, do you want talk or dance?
Ben: Let's dance.
[Justin follows Brian over to the bar wearing a very knowing look.]
Brian: What?
Justin: You f*cked him, didn't you?
Brian: Who?
Justin: Who do you think? Ben.
Brian: Where did you that idea?
Justin: He's only, like, the hottest guy I've ever seen. How many times did you f*ck him? I want numbers and positions.
Brian: Once...twice.
Justin: I'm getting hard just thinking about it. How come you haven't told Michael?
Brian: It's the first rule of Gay Etiquette is never talk about your past f*cks. Especially when your past f*ck is your best friends current f*ck.
[Justin just nods. The camera pans over to Ben giving Michael the Heimlich Maneuver to a beat.]
[Emmett and Ted are at a fancy soiree. Ted is pointing out the who's who of the hoity-toity gay community.]
Ted: He is the biggest gay loffer in town who represents everybody. He's a doctor. Own that big medical group. He's the head of the Gay Business Association. You see him? He is the co-sponors the AIDS pride every year.
Emmett: You're like a groupy on a rock concert. How do you know all these people?
Ted: I don't. But I want to. They are the créme de la créme of Gay Pittsburgh society.
Emmett: The A Gays.
Ted: That's a vulgar term.
Emmett: I'm a vulgar girl.
Ted: What's wrong when one is associate with the higher class of people?
Emmett: What's wrong with the group you are currently associate with?
Ted: It will be a whole step up when I accepted by them. Chance to make significant contacts. Get the best seats to the Bernadette Peters concert. [Ted frowns] God, it's Garth Racine!
Emmett: Close your mouth. We're not in a Glory Hole.
Ted: He's the chief of gay society. You're nothing until you were by his parties. I wish I could meet him.
Emmett: So go and introduce yourself.
Ted: I-i-i-i-i can't. I'm not ready. It's sort of thing you have to work up to.
Emmett: What is up to do? Honey, he's just another cocksucking fairy like everyone else here.
Ted: Sssh.
Emmett: [push him forward] Now go! Go on!
Ted: [stands in front of Garth and stumbles] Uh, Garth. How's goin'? Um, I'm Ted Schmidt. Here is my card.
[He takes his card and leaves him alone.]
Emmett: Nothing like a higher class of people.
[Debbie, Michael, and Vic are at the cemetery looking to find where Dumpster Boy is buried.]
Michael: So, what's his name?
Debbie: That homophobic asshole cops still doesn't know. They only gave me a locate number.
[There's no headstone -- just a stick with an index card taped to it.]
Vic: For they he's only a poor kid without knowning who he is.
Debbie: Yeah they couldn't laying around somewhere.
Michael: Lieing around. Here it is.
Debbie: Christ!
Vic: So this is what it comes to. Pulled out of a dumpster, tossed in the ground.
Michael: Didn't seem right.
Debbie: Right? It's terrible. If nobody knows who you are, how are they supposed to remember you? [Debbie puts the flowers on the mound of dirt and whispers] Sorry, kid.
[Cut to...Michael and Brian sitting in a sauna.]
Michael: What was the kinkiest thing you ever done with a guy?
Brian: It's too weird to talk about.
Michael: C'mon, say.
[Another man sits beside Brian and strokes himself]
Brian: One night, I went to that guys house and I stayed over.
Michael: Very funny!
Brian: The next morning he made pancakes.
Michael: Ben and I did really kinky stuff last night.
Brian: Like what? Flavoring condoms?
Michael: Guess.
[Brian flashes back to his own night with Ben, when Ben tied him to the hotel bed.]
Brian: I haven't a clue.
Michael: He tied me up.
Brian: No sh1t(!)
Michael: I was totally surrendered. It was so amazing. So much trust, you know?
[We get a close-up of the stranger stroking himself under the towel.]
Brian: Yeah, it's pretty good when you've done when you have time to.
Michael: The way he helt me afterwards. I never feel so close. I bet you never find that in the White Party.
[We see Brian f*ck Ben.]
Brian: Yeah, I guess not.
Michael: All your one-night-stands can't compare when I got.
Brian: Yeah. Well, I guess I have to settle for the next past day.
[Brian get up and walk off with the new, horny, naked trick.]
[Lindsay and Melanie have taken Emmett and Ted out for dinner as a way of saying thanks. The waiter brings the bill.]
Ted: Uh, it's mine.
Mel: No, it's ours. This is our way to say thanks for all you did for us.
Emmett: You don't have to do that. Waiter, a steak to go!
[All laughs. The camera keeps spinning around the table.]
Emmett: Look, Teddy, it's the doctor who went to be in the medical group.
Ted: So?
Emmett: He is the guy who sponsored the AIDS pride every year.
Ted: Pass the syrup.
Emmett: Wow, somebody changed his tune. You were ga-ga with these people the other night.
Ted: Yeah, but I'm not ga-ga now.
Emmett: So, why you wanna come here? With all the "A Gays" around here?
Ted: I'm allowed. I would only call them "B Gays".
Emmett: Aren't there any "A dykes"?
Mel: Oh honey, you look at them.
Emmett: Oh, it's that Garth.
Ted: Right seen? He is the biggest man at all. All people grawn for an invitation for his pretentious parties.
Garth: Ted, how are you? I'm Garth. We've seen you in the other night.
Ted: Sure, of course.
Garth: Forgive me for interrupting you.
Ted: No, not at all. May I introduce my friends? It's Melanie and Lindsay and uh Emmett.
[Emmett sips loudly from his coffee, ignoring Garth.]
Garth: Nice to meet you. Look, I only take a moment of your time. I had a little get-together in my place tomorrow afternoon. I would love if you could drop by.
Ted: Sure, I will come.
Garth: Fabulous. Around three. Pleasure to meet all of you.
[He sits down in shock.]
[Justin's cleaning up the diner. He brings more coffee over to Debbie.]
Justin: Ready for a refill, ma'am?
Debbie: Oh, no. Thanks honey. I got to sleep tonight.
[She hands him her tips.]
Debbie: You're goin' home.
Justin: Deb, it's like your whole days tip.
Debbie: You carried things tonight. You deserve it.
Justin: It's not like you knew him. He was just one of the thousands of guys that you wait on.
Debbie: That's not the point, Sunshine. He was one of us. Part of the community. I can't help feeling responsible.
Justin: What? That he's dead?
Debbie: No, that he's lying out there in an unmarked grave.
Justin: But what can you do?
Debbie: I don't know. Find out who he was.
Justin: That what the police are for.
Debbie: Those fat f*cks! Christ! The way they talked about him? Call him a Jane Do. They made very clear their give a sh1t. Nobody does.
Justin: Then do it. [She stands up and go.] I didn't mean right now.
Debbie: Sooner or later I'll make a fire under the cops large ass. Sooner or later I'll get him!
[Woody's. Emmett, Ted and Brian are standing beside the poollboard.]
Ted: And then Garth invited my to his house for a very exclusive get together.
Brian: Well his business is to study others. Have you find out why he's including you?
Ted: For my witness and charme, of course. Just because you're never invited.
Brian: So happens, I've been invited to circles of get-togethers and serving locations.
Emmett: Why haven't you gone?
Brian: If I want to hang out with a bunch of arrogant, self-important assholes.
Ted: Cause you fit right in?
Emmett: [to a man who walks past by] Hey ya, nice to see you again.
Ted: You know him?
Emmett: Yeah, very well.
Ted: Oh, small worlds.
Emmett: Why? You did him to?
Ted: No, but I went home with lashers lips over there, who spend a night on fall mountain who used to show out on your love muffin.
Brian: Yeah, I'll had him all three.
[Justin comes up.]
Justin: All at onces?
Brian: I tried. Scheduling conflicts.
Ted: Who haven't you f*cked?
[Michael walks up with Ben.]
Michael: He haven't f*cked me, or anybody I went with.
[Justin starts laughing]
Michael: [to Justin] What?
Justin: Nothing. It was nothing.
Ben: It was me.
Ted: Holy sh1t!
Brian: [to Justin] Nice goin', little twat!
Michael: I don't believe it. And it's so hilarious.
Ben: Why are you laugh?
Michael: Why shouldn't you not? Well, it's Pittsburgh. No degrees and separation.
[They kiss each other.]
[Debbie's at the police station in the middle of the night.]
Det.Horvath: Can I help you?
Debbie: Yeah, I need to talk to somebody. But I must say I was hoping it would'nt be you.
Det.Horvath: Come in. Get back. Relax.
Debbie: I don't have time to relax. But I'm so glad you do. Why isn't no name on his grave?
Det.Horvath: We're workin' on it.
Debbie: Bullshit. You're not even tryin'.
Det.Horvath: Look, ladies. I've got through every missing person's report that even remotely matches to his description. So far, nobodies missin' him.
Debbie: Well, then keep lookin'.
Det.Horvath: Lady...
Debbie: And stop calling me lady! You sound like Jerry Lewis. The name's Debbie.
Det.Horvath: Debbie...
Debbie: But you can call my Mrs.Novotny.
Det.Horvath: Mrs.Novotny, don't take this the wrong way but it's none of your business!
Debbie: Oh, and don't take you this the wrong way - but it is! This kid, it has a name. And I'm gonna find it!
[She takes a pictures of him and leaves the police office.]
[Ben's Apartment. Ben and Michael enter the living room.]
Michael: I'm so horny out. I've had a raging hard-on all the way home.
Ben: Oh, I was afraid you'll be sad what happens.
Michael: I told you, it's no biggy.
[Ben and Michael get naked and flop on the bed]
Ben: Lucky for me you are so kind of understanding natur. But I'm still ashaming you finding out.
Michael: I have the hottest boyfriend in town. It's a given that Brian would have f*cked him.
Ben: It was a casual thing. One night on before you were born. To me, that is.
Michael: I told you, you don't have to explain. We don't have to tell each other every men we slept with before we met. I wouldn't remain the names anyways. Leave your underwear on, I'm on the mood.
[They kiss each other as suddenly Brian appears behind Ben - in Michael's imagination. He pushes Brian out of the bed.]
Ben: What's up?
Michael: You.
[Michael goes down on Ben's crotch.]
[Boys gym. Ted's getting spotted by a man with a large dick. Ted can't stop staring at it.]
Guy: Nice form, good.
Ted: I'll see. I'll get my heartbreak to.
Guy: Meet me at the squats.
[The guy leaves and Emmett appears]
Emmett: I could definitely squat on that.
Ted: That's Rainer, my new trainer.
Brian: See how he sit up and breast.
Ted: Garth recogment him. He only trains at the best. He's definately worth it. I can feel the difference already.
Guy: Hey Brian.
Ted: Oh, don't tell me.
Brian: Yeah, he's like a german train. He always comes in on time.
Michael: Sorry, I'm late.
Brian: Are you tied up?
Michael: You have spot me?
Brian: No, I have to check up Ted's new trainer. I have to get my protein lunch.
Michael: Babylon tonight?
Brian: Yeah.
Ted: So, you have a fight?
Emmett: You know those awkward silence?
Michael: Why? Because he and Brian had s*x?
Ted: If it was my boyfriend and I found out that Brian and he doin dirty things together, it would be the game over. How can I measure up?
Emmett: You couldn't.
Michael: It's not a problem. Brian's s*x it's like a handshake.
Emmett: Mmmh, then let it shakin' sweety.
Ted: They know each other intimately.
Emmett: How they feel, how they smell.
[Michael hallucinating Ben and Brian going at it by the Soloflex.]
Ted: The sounds they make when they're coming.
Michael: Would you two should the f*ck up already?! Would we work out or will we standing and blabbering all the time?
[Brian's loft. Justin's hand has completely healed, but he's still using his pen to draw on the computer. He's drawing a police sketch of Dumpster Boy for Debbie.]
Debbie: Don't forget the dimple on his chin.
Justin: Give me a chance. I'm getting into.
Jen: I don't know on what you guys live on how do you survive?
Debbie: That's it. That's it. OK, sunshine print him up.
[Jennifer finds a bottle of poppers in the fridge]
Jen: What's this?
Justin: [goes to her] Oh, that's just head cleaner.
Jen: I didn't think you still listened to cassettes.
Debbie: What do you say Jenny? You're in?
Jen: No. I think you should leave this to the profs.
Debbie: But we are the profs. Who knows Liberty Avenue better than we do?
Jen: Speak for yourself, Debbie. I'm just the tourist.
Debbie: But you're a mother. What if you're son...
Jen: It almost was.
[Justin staring at Dumpster Boy for a long time.]
[Ted's arriving at his fancy-pants party.]
Ted: [v-o] "Teddy, you have arrived. You'r really here! All those people you used to hate - you are one of them now. But don't look to excited. Actually, act a little bored. Yeah, that's it. Remember, you can do this! You know all about opera, you have you own business."
Garth: Ted, I'm so glad you could come.
Ted: Garth. This is for you.
[Ted hands Garth a bottle of wine as a gift.]
Ted: [v-o] "Oh no, he's looking like a thunderbird! Goddamit, Teddy, why don't you go through the 65$ bottle? I told you but no, you had..."
Garth: It's my favorite California vino. How did you know?
Ted: Mine, too.
Garth: Let me introduce you around. Ted Schmidt, this is Mr.Riddles, psychiatrist.
Mr.Riddles: Luckely not yours.
Garth: Maurie Cample, Maurie organisaizes gay cruises.
Mr.Cample: Thank you for making you one of them.
Garth: Ted is a director, too. He has his own website.
Mr.Riddles: Really?
Garth: If you excuse me.
Mr.Cample: We've never seen you before. Just moved here in?
Ted: Actually I've lived here all my life. I went to north Allegenia High. President of the Junior Accountant Club. I always had an affinity for numbers. Real numbers and cute ones to.
[He laughs. His two hearer are not so excited.]
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Ben's flat. Ben and Michael are in the bed.]
Michael: If you don't behave, I have to tie you up, again.
Ben: Promises.
Michael: Did Brian ever do that?
Ben: Do what?
Michael: Tie you up.
Ben: You expected to remember?
Michael: It wasn't that long enough.
Ben: Maybe. Now calm here.
Michael: They said Brian's f*cks are legendary. What's so great about it?
Ben: Why you asking all those questions?
Michael: I'm just curious.
Ben: It's kind of weird.
Michael: I'm cool with it, really.
Ben: He's f*cking me and he came right hand, so he just keep moving.
Michael: No, sh1t.
Ben: He came a second time. What you wanna do? He never looses his hard-on.
[Dream Brian appears in Michael's imagination on the bed. Also naked.]
Brian: You had to ask.
Michael: So, how can I compare with that? C'mon, tell me.
Ben: Michael, it's like comparing apples and cantaloupes.
Michael: So, who is the cantaloupes?
Ben: You are fine.
Michael: "Fine".
[He's siting on the bed.]
Ben: You're terrific, you're great. Now, can we stop talking about him?
[Dream Brian appears behind Ben.]
Brian: You see, nothing compared with me. Let's see some action.
Michael: I just remember that new sh1t coming in my store.
Ben: But isn't having youre own store that you can being on... you're... own... time.
[Michael kisses Ben on the checks and leaves him.]
[The fancy party. Ted's still babbling about his sad little life, and his two prisoners have completely died inside.]
Ted: Then I work for Workshafter for eight years and doin' odds and filing forwand case. Did I mention that I see somebody in the playhouse last week? I really think it's sometimes best for...
Garth: I have the lucky all-time for you. Do you mind, if I borrow him?
Mr.Gamble: No, please.
Ted: Sorry.
[Garth and Ted leaves them alone.]
Ted: It's a great party.
Garth: Thanks Teddy. Do you mind if I call you Teddy?
Ted: Well, all my close friends do.
Garth: I went to your website the other day and I got to tell you I was rather impressed.
Ted: You were? Well Garth, it takes a lot of work...
Garth: Especially with one of your boy... his name was Rex.
Ted: Oh, Rex.
Garth: Wew, what a boy. I wouldn't mind if I get to know him. Think you could possible do something up?
Ted: Oh, I don't really get involved in my employee's personal lifes.
Garth: Of course not - best policy. Although I'm only talking of a friendly diner. And I have asking you, Teddy, for a friend.
[On Liberty Avenue. Debbie's chatting with the local boys.]
Debbie: Hey Sammy, I love the hair, honey. Listen, you have ever seen this kid?
[She's showing him the rendering that Justin made.]
Sammy: No, sorry, Deb.
Debbie: Well keep it. Thanks honey.
[Jennifer's having less luck on her side of the street.]
Jen: Good afternoon, could I...
[the man goes by. Back to Debbie.]
Debbie: Thanks honey. Hey kiddo, how's Bill? Listen, if you knew this kid would you call the police? Give it through your friends. Thanks.
[Back to Jen.]
Jen: Good afternoon, would you mind just takin'...
[the man goes by. Debbie comes over.]
Debbie: How're you doin'?
Jen: I'm feeling like the Invisible Woman.
Debbie: Yeah, around here you got there attention when you grab the dick and shake it.
Jen: Hi there, I'm Jennifer. How are you today?
Debbie: Hi Tyler, how'd the wounds?
Tyler: They were on my hands.
Jen: Oh, we... we're try to find out where this man is. Do you know him?
Tyler: Yeah, I think so.
Debbie: Who is he?
Jen: What's his name?
Tyler: I... I don't know.
Debbie: Where did you see him?
Tyler: I used to see him hanging out in the Liberty Spa.
Debbie: OK, thanks honey.
Jen: What's that? A gym?
Debbie: Not exactly.
[There in Liberty Spa. It's a bathhouse.]
Jen: How are you today? Would you what happen to this young men is...?
[Debbie opens a door and walk in on s*x acts.]
Debbie: Sorry for interrupting. Are you two recognize him?
Man#1: No!
Man#2: No.
Debbie: OK, thanks anyway. You play safe!
Man#3: Hey! No broads in the bathhouse!
Debbie: We need to be here.
Jen: We're looking for someone.
Man#3: This is a private men's club.
Debbie: Someone who knew this murdered kid.
Man#3: Out or I call the cops!
Man#4: Excuse me. I... I knew him.
Debbie: What's his name?
Man#4: He didn't say.
Jen: Christ, doesn't anybody even introduce himself before they f*ck? Sorry.
Man#4: I followed him to his room. We were doing it when he starts gasping. I'm thinking, 'Hey! I'm pretty good!' Turns out he's having an asthma attack. He sucked on his inhaler and was fine. But by then the magic kinda wore off. You know.
Debbie: Was this a prescription thing?
Man#4: I think so. That's all I know.
Debbie: Thanks for your help.
Man#3: Now, if you don't mind?
[Michael's at work in his empty, lonely store when Brian walks in. He grabs the piece of paper Michael's working on.]
Brian: Do you have a new budman?
Michael: Sorry, I'm sold out.
Brian: Oh, I thoughed you wanna go out to Babylon.
Michael: I'm busy.
Brian: "Neutral man is broking in to a Nuclear..."
Michael: Give it back!
Brian: "He was torturing with an eggonizing dildo... sorry, dilemma." I see f*ck the world. Take the power.
Michael: Yeah, you would. You take what you want and hell with everyone else. So, you're were never gonna tell me?
Brian: Tell you what?
Michael: You know goddamn well.
Brian: It was two years ago and nobody gives a sh1t. I don't. He doesn't. Why are you?
Michael: Because he is my boyfriend? And you are my friend.
Brian: Somebody's jealous. But, are you jealous because I did it with him or because he did it with me?
Michael: Arrogant prick.
Brian: Well, which is it?
Michael: Why should I give a sh1t because he slept with you? Who hasn't?
Brian: You.
[Brian starts to leave, but walks back and jams Michael against a wall. His hand digs into Michael's crotch and grabs his dick.]
Michael: What are you doin?
Brian: You wanna know what is like? So, c'mon. I know you want it.
Michael: [whispers] Get out of here(!)
Brian: I know your secret identity.
[In front of Mel and Lindsay's house.]
Ted: He wants me to pimp for him. That's why he invited me into the innercircle.
[Mel and Lindz are loading up the trunk of their car.]
Lindsay: Be sure we're postal machine.
Mel: I thoughed we'd agree we're pass the pass machine and keep the postal machine.
Ted: I should have known. That's why I'm his new friend.
Lindsay: Hey, Mel and Meliese gave us that.
Ted: It's looks totally offenses!
Mel: Of course I did. That's why I'm returning it.
Ted: I mean what Garth ask me!
Mel: C'mon, the people seems you interested. They find you useful.
Ted: I'm feeling being used.
Mel: That's the way it is. They want some from you, you want some from them. It's just play the game.
[Debbie and Vic are harassing the pharmacist of Pittsburgh.]
Pharmacist: You know, I can keep that kind of information.
Debbie: I promise - I didn't tell the police. Girls scouts honor.
Vic: C'mon Phil, you were always such a good friend. We're just wanna know who this poor kid is. Would you please help us?
Pharmacist: You know how many asthma prescription I got?
Debbie: You got time - more than him.
[He staring at the picture that Justin drew.]
Debbie: My stomach is f*cking nuts!
Vic: Here, have one of these.
Pharmacist: It'll be 79 Cents. I'll just have a hundred names.
Vic: Sis, that is hopeless.
Debbie: Hey, I never said that about you. And you don't say that about him.
Pharmacist: Did you mind if I look at the draw again?
Debbie: Sure.
Pharmacist: That dimple on his chin looks familiar.
Debbie: Oh god bless sunshine!
Pharmacist: When he was killed?
Vic: A couple weeks ago.
Pharmacist: If this is him - he never picked up his prescription.
[Emmett flat. Someone knocks at the door.]
Emmett: Keep your pants on.
Ben: Hi.
Emmett: Hi. C'mon in. Just in time for a facials.
Ben: Oh, no thank you.
Emmett: You sure? You're look stressed out. It is the best thing for stress, am I right Teddy?
Ted: The best.
Emmett: He's a kind of image stress. So, I thoughed it might be help.
Ben: I thoughed Michael might be at the store but it closed. He's not here?
Emmett: No, no, haven't seen him.
Ted: Is there something wrong with the Beaver?
Ben: I'm not sure I'm should...
Emmett: You can tell us.
Ted: We're his best friends.
Ben: He's... he acting really weird. Every since he found out...
Ted: You and Brian...
Emmett: ...f*cked.
Ben: Yeah.
Ted: I knew it.
Emmett: Yeah, so did I.
Ben: You knew what?
Ted: Nothing.
Ben: C'mon, you guys tell me! Were they lovers? [pause] What?
Ted: What if it better than have them. When Brian broke Michaels heart and Michael got over him.
Emmett: Anstead of always wondering what if been like.
[Police station. Debbie goes to Det.Horvath.]
Debbie: Jason Kemp.
Det.Horvath: How's you get this?
Debbie: It's called perseverance. You should try it sometimes. I find out where he lived - Vaseline Tower.
Det.Horvath: What the hell is that?
Debbie: That's whereever young, gay kids goes when they first moves to town.
Det.Horvath: Thanks for the lead. You could be a detective.
Debbie: Supposed to be your job.
[Fancy party. The boys who hate Ted pretend to love him.]
Mr.Gamble: You are coming to the Empire Benefets, are you?
Ted: Sure. I'll be there.
Mr.Riddles: There is a cocktail bar beforehand. To the Bath hikins.
Mr.Gamble: And afterwards we having a faboulos little suffer. Just the mens group of us. Like Garth and the boys.
Garth: Teddy, I wanna thank you, men for serving me up to Rex.
[Garth moves out of the way so we can see Rex wave at us.]
Ted: All I say was that you are his fan.
Garth: That boy has the hottest ass. The website do his justice.
Ted: I'm glad you're... so happy together.
Garth: Come, join us.
[Ted stares at himself in the mirror for a long time as the extras around him keep changing with every camera angle. After a very, very long time watching Ted think we see him get up and leave.]
[Ben's studying in a pretty chair on a cheap set. Michael enters.]
Michael: Hey.
Ben: Hi.
Michael: I hadn't even known that you wrote in longhand anymore.
Ben: Yeah, computer are fine for some things, but when I wants to flow through my minded up fingers find the old pen and paper and beats the high tec anyday.
Michael: That's so beautiful.
Ben: What is?
Michael: Just what you said. The words just flow it. I wish I could be that eloquent, especially now, when I really want to say sorry.
Ben: What for?
Michael: For taking off. You mind when I get a drink?
Ben: Oh yeah, help yourself.
Michael: Look, I knew you don't like to knew all on the past. You know it's over, it's gone, let it go. But sometimes it won't let you go. Like Brian.
Ben: What about him?
Michael: I wasn't completely honest when I say it didn't mattered to me that you had s*x with him. It does.
Ben: And why's that?
Michael: Because... Because I always had certain feelings for him.
Ben: What kind of feelings?
Michael: Friendship feelings. Love feelings.
Ben: Sexual feelings?
Michael: [he nodds] Not that anything ever happens or ever will. But when I found out that you and he... I can't stop thinking...
Ben: That I do know him a way you don't.
Michael: And he knows you in a way I do.
Ben: Thank you for telling me.
Michael: I had to I love you.
Ben: That's OK, you love him.
Michael: I did?
Ben: Uh-huh. Michael, you know each other for how long? A few months? You had a life before I came along. So did I. Including people we've loved, they will and still there. It doesn't mean we can't love each other.
[Ben and Michael kiss and hug. Michael daydreams about Brian. He looks up and sees Brian walk out through the unlocked, non- peepholed door with no bottom lock on the doorknob. Ben notices Michael's hallucination, but doesn't comment. They kiss again.]
[Debbies house. Vic, Justin, and Jennifer are sitting down to dinner.]
Jen: Debbie, why you don't come and sit down?
Vic: You're Vic'o'tony get cold.
Debbie: You get ahead, I'm not hungry.
Vic: Have a little wine to celebrate.
Debbie: Celebrate what?
Justin: You got what you want. You found out his name.
[The doorbell rings.]
Jen: Something the police even couldn't do.
Debbie: Yeah, they still don't know who his family is and who did it.
[Debbie goes to the door. The cop's at the door.]
Debbie: Collecting for your fund?
Det.Horvath: I though you wanna know, I was in his apartment.
Debbie: Well, you didn't waste any time, for once.
Det.Horvath: Landlore thoughed the kids skip down with the pay his rent.
Debbie: The kids name is Jason.
Det.Horvath: He's only here for a couple of months. You should see his place. No furniture - nothing just a matraze.
Jen: Did you find his mother?
Det.Horvath: Yes, ma'am. She died when he was 4. He was into a foster home. He landed on the streets when he was 18.
Debbie: Some shitty life.
Vic: Would you like to play poster? My sister makes an incredible O'Tony.
Det.Horvath: Thanks, I have to get back to work.
[Jennifer and Justin go back in to eat.]
Debbie: That was very kind of you to come by.
Det.Horvath: I thoughed you like to know.
Debbie: You sure you don't like to...
Det.Horvath: I keep your poster if I find anything else.
Debbie: Do that.
[He leaves. She stares at nothing for a long time and then shuts the door.]
[Babylon. Michael and Ben are dancing. Brian walks up.]
Ben: Hey, do you cut in?
Brian: No, I'll start to drink.
Ben: No, I got you a drink.
[Ben pushes Brian into Michael's arms and rush to the bar.]
Brian: What do you think of him?
[a cute boy goes by]
Michael: I already did him.
Brian: You did not.
Michael: I did to.
Brian: When?
Michael: Eight years ago.
Brian: How was he?
Michael: I'm not telling. Have you ever heard Gay Etiquette?
[They dance with their arms around each other. The camera spins above them.]
Music: Kosheen # Hide U If you were in my heart I'd surely not break you If you were beside me and my love would take you I'd keep you in safety Forever protect you I'll hide you away from the world you rejected I'd keep you in safety Forever protect you I'll hide you away from the world you rejected I'll hide you I'll hide you # | Plan: A: Michael; Q: Who has trouble dealing with the news that his new boyfriend Ben slept with his best friend Brian? A: Debbie; Q: Who needs to do something about the dead boy found behind her diner? A: her sleuthing; Q: What impresses Detective Horvath? A: a shot; Q: What does Ted get at being accepted by the A-Gays of Pittsburgh? Summary: Michael has trouble dealing with the news that his new boyfriend Ben once slept with his best friend Brian. Debbie needs to do something about the dead boy found behind her diner. She impresses Detective Horvath with her sleuthing. Ted gets a shot at being accepted by the elite A-Gays of Pittsburgh. |
Woods (Night) Southrons chase Arthur's party through the woods. Tristan supports Isolde as they go. Arthur's party approaches the mouth of cave tunnels.
Merlin: I'll cover our tracks, you keep going! Merlin turns away from the others as they head into the caves.
Merlin: *O drakon, fthengomai au se kalon; su katerkheo deuro.* Merlin sees the Southrons approaching and Kilgharrah isn't arriving, so he heads for the caves. Agravaine hears the dragon's roar and looks up. Kilgharrah swoops down on them.
Agravaine: Take cover! Kilgharrah flame roasts most of the Southrons as Agravaine tries to run
[SCENE_BREAK]
Moutain tunnels
Merlin catches up to the others in the cave.
Arthur: Did you lose them?
Merlin: We're safe.
Arthur: You sure?
Merlin: Do I look like an idiot?
Arthur: Yes.
Merlin: He doesn't change, does it?
Arthur: Which way now? Merlin looks around uncertainly.
Arthur: I thought you said you grew up in these tunnels.
Merlin: I did. It could be that way.
Arthur: Or it could be that way.
Merlin: Yes.
Arthur: That's very reassuring.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Woods
Agravaine and a few of his men come out of hiding to look out over the field of crispy Southrons. Kilgharrah roars again and comes back for another pass.
Agravaine: Run! Agravaine and the remaining Southrons run into the mountain tunnels, followed by a stream of fire. They escape unscathed.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Mountain tunnels
Arthur and Merlin lead their party through the caves.
Tristan: So you know Arthur?
Gwen: I was a servant in Camelot.
Tristan: To Arthur?
Gwen: No.
Tristan: So why are you here?
Gwen: He's my king.
Tristan: I can't say I've detected many kingly qualities so far. Arthur is upset as he over hear this.
Gwen: Well, maybe you don't know him.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Mountain tunnels
Agravaine and his men pursue Arthur's party. Agravaine hears something.
Agravaine: Shh! They stop to listen and hear some pebbles move.
Agravaine (mouths): That way.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Mountain tunnels
Arthur's party stops and turns as they hear movement behind them.
Arthur: I thought you said we'd lost them.
Merlin: I thought I had.
Tristan: It won't take long for them to catch us.
Merlin: I'll go back. Merlin heads back through the tunnel.
Arthur: What are YOU going to do?
Merlin: Create a diversion. Arthur stops Merlin.
Arthur: It's too risky.
Merlin: I know these tunnels and Agravaine doesn't. You keep going. Merlin hands Arthur his torch.
Arthur: Merlin...don't do anything stupid.
Merlin: Me? Arthur looks after Merlin, hesitant to leave him behind, then follows the others. Merlin sidles along the tunnel wall as he hears the Southrons approach. He takes a breath and then steps around the corner to face them.
Merlin: OH, HELLO! Agravaine and his men run after Merlin. Merlin runs into a dead end.
Agravaine: Merlin. Merlin? Trapped, Merlin turns to face Agravaine.
Agravaine: Where's Arthur? Merlin shakes his head slightly.
Merlin: Be careful. Agravaine is confused.
Agravaine: What are you talking about? Where's Arthur? Merlin shifts his weight almost sadly, not really wanting to hurt them.
Agravaine: Tell me. Now! Or I'll have to kill you. Merlin shakes his head sadly.
Merlin: I don't think so. Agravaine steps toward Merlin. Merlin throws all of them back with a flash of his eyes. He takes a few steps forward and Agravaine wakes, gasping. Agravaine looks at Merlin and sits up. Merlin looks down, then raises his head nobly to look Agravaine in the eyes.
Agravaine: You have magic.
Merlin: I was born with it. Agravaine gets up, then something occurs to him...
Agravaine: So it's you. You're Emrys.
Merlin: That is what the druids call me.
Agravaine: And you've been at court all this time, eh? At Arthur's side. (chuckles) How you've managed to deceive him. I am impressed, Merlin. Perhaps we're more alike than you think. Agravaine holds a hand out to Merlin, but Merlin raises his hand to strike with magic and Agravaine pauses, smile fading. Agravaine gestures submission and Merlin lowers his hand. Agravaine whips out a knife with to attack Merlin, but Merlin raises both hands and blasts Agravaine backwards with a flash of his eyes. Agravaine goes still as he hits the ground, eyes open. He lies dead whether from the spell, the fall, or his own knife stabbing him in the back as he landed on it. Merlin takes deep breaths and steps forward to look down at the men he just killed. He turns with a scowl and continues through the tunnels.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Mountain tunnels
Arthur slows to a stop and turns around.
Tristan: What are you doing?
Arthur: Shh! Arthur listens and they hear rocks moving. Arthur looks up.
Arthur: Merlin?
Tristan: He knows the tunnels. He'll find his way.
Arthur: I'm going back. Arthur walks past Tristan, Gwen, and Isolde and Tristan watches in confusion.
Tristan: For a servant?
Gwen: You're wrong about him.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Mountain tunnels
Arthur approaches a corner and prepares to attack the approaching figure.
Arthur: Merlin! Arthur straightens up.
Arthur: Where have you been?
Merlin: Were you worried about me?
Arthur: No. I was making sure we weren't being followed.
Merlin: You came back to look for me.
Arthur: All right, it's true. I came back because you're the only friend I have and I couldn't bear to lose you.
Merlin: Really? Arthur turns around and walks off...
Arthur: Don't be stupid. Merlin smiles and follows.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Exit of the mountain tunnels (day)
Arthur's party emerges on the other side of the mountain. Tristan supports Isolde, and Arthur clutches his wounded ribs.
Tristan: So where now?
Arthur: To the plains beyond the mountains.
Tristan: You sure? That's Lot's kingdom. He's no friend of the Pendragons.
Gwen: Well, maybe we could find somewhere here, a house where we could rest.
Tristan: We're fugitives, a danger to anyone who harbours us.
Merlin: He's right. We must travel back towards Camelot.
Arthur: No, we need to keep going.
Merlin: If we hole up in the Forest of Ascetir, we'll be safe at least for a while.
Arthur: No.
Merlin: If anyone's survived this battle, that's where they'll be hiding.
Tristan: I know which I'd do. You're the king, Arthur. You're our leader.
Arthur: All right.The Forest of Ascetir it is. Tristan smirks and they walk down the mountain path.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Castle square (day)
Southron troops march into the square.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Castle dungeons
Gwaine is slumped in a corner, manacles on his wrists. Elyan tends to Gaius who is lying on the bed, pale and weak.
Elyan: Come on, Gaius, hold fast. Guards open the cell. One restrains Elyan while the other picks up Gwaine and escorts him out.
Gwaine: Don't worry. Least we'll get to eat. Elyan grabs the bars as the Southron locks the cell door.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Council chamber transformed into a fighting room
Morgana unlocks Gwaine's manacles.
Morgana: So, you've another chance to sing for your supper. I thought I might make it a little harder this time.
Gwaine: Seems fair.
Morgana: Oh, but you can't fight with your bare hands. Morgana hands Gwaine a wooden dagger.
Morgana: Never mind. You're Knight of Camelot. You'll be fine. Morgana struts to her throne and the Southrons begin to cheer as a couple mercenaries enter the circle to fight Gwaine.
Gwaine: What the hell. Gwaine sinks into a fighter's stance.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Forest of Ascetir
Isolde sharpens her knife while Gwen and Merlin set up a campfire and Tristan and Arthur collect more wood.
Tristan: Well, well, well, look at you. First you go back to rescue your servant, now you're getting your hands dirty. But then again, why shouldn't you? You're just like everyone else. There's nothing special about you, is there?
Arthur: Well, maybe you're right. Maybe I don't deserve to be king.
Tristan: Well, that's all right, because you're not. Not anymore. Tristan struts off while Arthur tries to cope with that fact. Gwen watches Arthur sulk off into the woods and gets up to go talk to him. Arthur tosses the wood aside.
Gwen: Arthur? Arthur keeps walking and Gwen jogs up to him and touches his arm.
Gwen: Arthur... Arthur stops and spins around.
Arthur: Don't. Gwen pulls back.
Arthur: What happened in Ealdor was a moment's weakness. Gwen flinches.
Arthur: What you did to me... Everything I cherished between us, everything we had, it's gone. That will never change.
Gwen: I'm sorry. Gwen walks back to the campfire tearfully.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Castle dungeons
Gwaine stumbles into the cell and Morgana stands in the doorway with a half loaf of mould bread.
Morgana: Enjoy your supper. Morgana tosses the bread into the cell.
Morgana: I fear it'll be your last. Morgana exits and the Southrons lock the cell door. Elyan gives some bread to Gaius.
Elyan: You need to eat.
Gaius: Whether I eat or not, I'm not long for this world.
Elyan: Come on, Gaius.
Gaius: I'm a physician, Elyan. I have spent my days watching the cycle of life. If there's one thing I'm not afraid of, it's death. Don't waste your food. If Gwaine has to fight again, he'll need all the strength he can get. Elyan leaves the bread with Gaius.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Forest of Ascetir
Arthur lounges against a tree by the fire, arms crossed, brooding.
Merlin: Come on, I'll take watch. Merlin sits down against the tree. Arthur continues brooding.
Merlin: Arthur, what's the matter? Don't listen to Tristan, he doesn't know you.
Arthur: I trusted the wrong people.
Merlin (shakes head): They betrayed you. That wasn't your fault.
Arthur: I was a fool. I've misjudged everyone. My uncle...Morgana... Every decision I've made has been wrong.
Merlin: You're being too hard on yourself.
Arthur: I should be more discerning, wise...a statesman, a king! Tristan's right, there's nothing special about me. I'm just like everyone else.
Merlin: You're not. You're a worthy king.
Arthur: I'm good with a sword. That's all.
Merlin: Your people love you.
Arthur: Most of them are dead. Thanks to me.
Merlin: No, most of them escaped. They'll be here in the forest, I'm sure of that.
Arthur: If they are, they'll have to find themselves a new king. Arthur gets up and walks away.
Merlin: Arthur... Arthur!
[SCENE_BREAK]
Forest of Ascetir (night)
Merlin runs through the forest. Merlin:* O drakon,e male so ftengometta tesd'hup'anankes!* The Great Dragon meets Merlin in a clearing.
Merlin: Well, thank you. You saved us all.
Kilgharrah: The land of Albion and the future we have all fought for was in peril. Merlin sighs.
Kilgharrah: What is troubling you, young warlock?
Merlin: It's Arthur. He's lost the will to fight. He feels he's failed his people; he believes he no longer deserves to be king.
Kilgharrah: The fate of Camelot rests in your hands, young warlock For you and you alone can restore the king's faith.
Merlin: How?
Kilgharrah: You must make him believe that he can be king once more. Merlin mulls that over.
Kilgharrah: I wish I could be of more help, Merlin.
Merlin: No...I know how. The people who fled Camelot, do you know where they're hiding?
Kilgharrah: I am a dragon. I can cover many leagues in the blink of an eye. They shouldn't be too hard to find.
Merlin: Then we have no time to lose.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Forest of Ascetir (day)
Merlin wakes Arthur.
Arthur: What?
Merlin: There's something I need to show you. Merlin walks off. Arthur grabs his sword and follows.
Arthur: This had better be good because this really isn't the time for one of your ridiculous games.
Merlin: I was thinking about last night and how you were saying how you'd given up all hope, how you were a poor leader and a shoddy king.
Arthur: Shoddy?
Merlin: All right, shabby.
Arthur: Thanks(!)
Merlin: Well, it reminded me of a tale Gaius once told me.
Arthur: Merlin, I'm really not interested in your favourite bedtime stories.
Merlin: For once in your life, just...listen. Arthur holds his hands up in defeat.
Merlin: Many years ago, before the birth of the five kingdoms, this land was in an endless cycle of bloodshed and war, but one man was determined to end all that. He gathered together the elders of each tribe and drew up plans for the lands to be divided. Each would respect the others' boundaries, and each would rule over the land as they saw fit. That man was Camelot's first king, ancestor to all that followed, including you, Arthur.
Arthur: Bruta.
Merlin: You know the story?
Arthur: Yes, every child in Camelot does. Can I go back to bed now?
Merlin: No. Because there's another part of the story that you haven't heard.
Arthur: Really?
Merlin: When Bruta was on his deathbed, he asked to be taken deep into the forest. There, with the last of his strength, he thrust his sword into a rock. If his lineage was ever questioned, this would form a test. Only a true king of Camelot could pull the weapon free. Arthur stops.
Arthur: Are you making this up?
Merlin: Of course not. Merlin keeps walking and Arthur can't sort out if he's lying. Arthur follows.
Arthur: All right. If it's true, why haven't I heard this story?
Merlin: Well, history isn't really your strong point, is it?
Arthur: Then, where is this rock?
Merlin: Oh, it was lost many years ago during the Great Purge, but...I've managed to find it.
Arthur: I've never heard so much rubbish in my entire life.
Merlin: Are you calling Gaius a liar?
Arthur: No, I'm calling you an idiot.
Merlin: What's that then? Arthur follows Merlin's line of sight. Arthur's stunned by the sight of the sword in the stone. They walk closer and Arthur is surprised again as a crowd of knights and peasants appear out of the forest, Sir Leon and Percival among them. Merlin smiles. Arthur glances back at him and sees Merlin's proud expression.
Arthur: What the hell are you playing at?
Merlin: I'm proving that you are their leader and their king.
Arthur: That sword is stuck fast in solid stone!
Merlin: And you're going to pull it out.
Arthur: Merlin! It's impossible!
Merlin: Arthur, you're the true king of Camelot. Arthur glances back at the crowd of people surrounding the sword in the stone.
Arthur: Do you want me to look like a fool?
Merlin: No, I'm going to make you see that Tristan's wrong; you aren't just anyone, you are special. You and you alone can draw out that sword. Arthur debates, then draws his sword and sticks it in the ground.
Arthur: You'd better be right about this. Arthur approaches the stone slowly. He looks up at the crowd hesitantly, then places both hands on the hilt. He tries to pull it up, but the sword doesn't budge.
Merlin: You have to believe, Arthur. Arthur shakes with the effort, but the sword doesn't move. Merlin looks at the crowd as Arthur struggles.
Merlin: You're destined to be Albion's greatest king. Arthur lets go of the sword.
Merlin: Nothing, not even this stone can stand in your way. Arthur looks at the sword and repositions himself. He places one hand on the sword hilt and closes his eyes. Merlin watches him.
Merlin: Have faith. Arthur lifts his chin, willing himself to believe. Merlin's eyes glow and the stone released the sword. Arthur pulls it out and stares at it, amazed. Arthur's people watch in awe.
Sir Leon: Long live the king!
All: Long live the king! Long live the king! Long live the king! Long live the king! Long live the king!
[SCENE_BREAK]
Castle corridors
Helios: When they arrived there, the ground itself was still on fire. They'd all been slaughtered, every last one of them.
Morgana: And Agravaine?
Helios: Dead.
Morgana: There's only one person who could've done this; only one man who could command a dragon. This is the work of Emrys.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Forest
Arthur walks with Leon, Percival, Merlin, and Gwen.
Arthur: What about the drawbridge?
Sir Leon: Well-manned.
Perceval: As are the Northern gates.
Arthur: The battlements on the south side?
Perceval: Arthur, even if we CAN get inside, she has an army.
Arthur: And we have what? A few hundred...
Perceval: And they still outnumber us.
Arthur: Yeah, but only three to one. Sir Leon chuckles.
Isolde: And do you think they'll fight?
Sir Leon: Well, they'll fight for Arthur.
Arthur: It's not me they have to fight for. It's for Camelot.
Sir Leon: No, Arthur. It is you that people love, and you that they will lay down their lives for. I know that I would ride into the mouth of hell for you.
Perceval: And I. Isolde looks at Tristan, who is surprised.
Merlin: And I. Tristan is won over by the loyalty of Arthur's men. Arthur draws Excalibur.
Arthur: Then to the mouth of hel, it is. They follow Arthur and Tristan watches Arthur in admiration.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Forest
Isolde tends to her wounded arm. Gwen passes her, carrying some blankets. Gwen sees Tristan give Isolde a bouquet of flowers.
Isolde: What's this for? Tristan shrugs. Isolde catches Gwen's forlorn expression. Gwen watches Arthur sadly as Isolde approaches her.
Isolde: Never give up hope. Love is stronger than anything. Gwen scoffs with a smile.
Isolde: Believe me. Gwen smiles sadly at her kindness and glances back at Arthur. Merlin jogs up to Arthur.
Merlin: You all right?
Arthur: Yes.
Merlin: Do you think there are too many of them?
Arthur: The Southrons are men like you and me. Men we can fight. But Morgana... Her power is so great and we've got nothing to answer it with.
Merlin: I never finished Gaius's story.
Arthur: Not now, Merlin, please.
Merlin: Will you just listen? Merlin puts his hands on his hips and Arthur lowers his head in acquiescence.
Merlin: When the sword was thrust into the stone, the ancient king foretold that one day it would be freed again at a time when Camelot needed it most. The man who freed it would unite the land of Albion and rule over the greatest kingdom the world has ever known. That man is you, Arthur. Arthur's brow furrows and Merlin smiles.
Arthur: You're making this up.
Merlin: Why would I do that? Your head's already as big as your waist. I believe it, though. And I believe in you. I always have. Arthur looks at Excalibur and considers what Merlin said.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Forest
Merlin plots by a campfire. A light bulb goes on and he smiles and scrambles to his feet.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Camelot outskirts
Merlin hides as Southrons patrol outside the city. He crosses over to a tunnel grate and raises a hand to it.
Merlin: *Tospringe*. The lock bursts and the gate swings open.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Castle corridors
Merlin:*Min freondum ond min feondum.* There's a flash of light and Old Merlin walks down the corridor.
Morgana: We must send emissaries to Lot's kingdom. We must offer a reward for Arthur's capture... Morgana turns a corner stops in her tracks as she catches a glimpse of Old Merlin before he runs off.
Morgana: It's him! It's Emrys, he's here!
Helios: Guards! Helios and the Southrons pursue Old Merlin while Morgana stands there terrified. The warning bell sounds as Old Merlin sneaks around the palace. A guard steps out of an alcove behind Old Merlin and he takes out the guard with a flick of his hand without even turning to look
[SCENE_BREAK]
Morgana's chambers
Old Merlin enchants an effigy.
Old Merlin: *Ontende eallne thaes drycraeftes hire awlje!* The poppet's head bursts into flames and Old Merlin smiles and laughs as the spell whispers magic.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Castle corridors
Old Merlin unbuckles the belt of the Southron he knocked out.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Castle, staircase
Helios and his men run down toward the dungeons as another hooded Southron figure walks up the stairs. It's Merlin back to his young self.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Morgana's chambers
Helios: We've searched everywhere. He fled Morgana; he trembled at the sight of you.
Morgana (panicked): Then why was he here? Why does he choose to taunt me like this?!
Helios: We must hold our nerve. Maybe you should get some sleep. Morgana nods and walks towards the bed.
Morgana: Make sure there are guards on the door. Helios nods and exits. Still unsettled, Morgana lies down. She relaxes and falls asleep, Merlin's effigy whispering magic as it hangs under the bed.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Forest (day)
Merlin stares off into space. Arthur snaps his fingers in front of Merlin's face.
Arthur: Wakey-wakey! You look like you've been up half the night.
Merlin: I was. Couldn't sleep.
Arthur: I thought you said you had faith in me?
Merlin: Whatever gave you that idea? Arthur shrugs with a smile. Later, Arthur gives orders to Leon and Percival, then sees Tristan and Isolde trying to catch his eye. Arthur approaches them.
Arthur: This is where we say goodbye.
Tristan : Arthur, all my life I've shied away from other people's wars, and despised the power and wealth that kings buy with the lives of men, but you've shown yourself to be different.
Isolde: You've shown us that you fight for what is right and fair, and for that reason, we would like to fight at your side. Arthur is speechless in surprise.
Arthur: I'd be honoured to have you at my side. Isolde nods.
Arthur: We'll stand together as equals. Arthur gazes at Excalibur as Gwen approaches from behind.
Gwen: Arthur. Arthur turns around.
Gwen: If anything happens to us, I want you to know...
Arthur: Guinevere...
Gwen: I understand why you can't forgive me. But I never once stopped loving you. Never once. Gwen walks on and Arthur considers her words.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Forest and Camelot outskirts
The knights of Camelot arm themselves. Arthur stands at their front. He lifts Excalibur and swings it forward as he steps forward, signalling them to move out. Red capes file towards the castle walls. Sir Leon leads one group, they take out the sentries on the wall with crossbows and head in. Sir Percival, Tristan, and Isolde take out another set of guards on another gate and wave in more knights. Arthur fights another set of Southrons and Merlin and Gwen make sure they're dead after they roll down the hill.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Castle, the gallery
Sir Percival splits from Tristan and Isolde.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Castle
Warning bells sound as Sir Leon leads knights through the palace. Arthur charges through the palace tunnels while Leon's party charges up the Griffin staircase. Arthur takes out a guard in the Phoenix corridor, then holds his wounded ribs as he continues on.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Morgana's chambers
Helios bursts into Morgana's chambers and she gets out of bed.
Helios: It seems we have company.
Morgana: Emrys?
Helios: Arthur. Morgana relaxes and smiles.
Morgana: My dear brother... we must welcome him home. Helios smirks.
Helios: Shall we? Morgana smirks and they exit. The effigy continues to whisper magic from under Morgana's bed.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Castle corridors
Tristan and Isolde hide behind columns. They jump out and attack some Southrons together.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Council Chamber
Morgana and Helios wait in the council chamber while the mercenaries file out into the corridors.
Helios: It is as we expected; he is making his way here. He should be with us soon.
Morgana: And we'll be waiting
[SCENE_BREAK]
Dungeons
Percival's party fights their way through the dungeons. Sir Leon leads another party, Arthur makes his way through the palace on his own. Gwaine and Elyan go to the bars as they hear the commotion from their cell. Sir Percival arrives.
Gwaine: Come on, boys. What's taking you so long? Sir Leon tosses Percival the keys and he opens the cell. Percival and Elyan grasp arms.
Perceval: You all right?
Elyan: I've been locked up with Gwaine for a week. SirLeon supports Gwaine out of the cell while Percival goes to Gaius, who's lying weakly on the bed.
Perceval: Gaius. Come on. Percival and Elyan help Gaius up.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Council chamber corridor
Arthur rounds the corner with Tristan, Isolde, Merlin, and Gwen to find five Southrons standing guard.
Arthur: One each. Pick your man. On me! Arthur charges the front man, and strikes him. The mercenary stumbles towards Gwen and she knocks him out with her sword.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Council chamber
Morgana and Helios wait by the throne, listening to the fighting outside.
Morgana: I'm going to enjoy this.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Council chamber corridor
Arthur's party takes out the rest of the guards.
Isolde: Whatever happened to the idea of finding a bit of land and settling down? Arthur walks over toward Merlin and looks at Excalibur.
Arthur: You know, this thing's not bad.
Merlin: Thought you might like it. They prepare to enter the council chamber.
Arthur: Ready?
All: For the love of Camelot! They charge into the council chamber, but stop short when they find only Morgana lounging on the throne, Helios standing it.
Morgana: Welcome, dear brother. It's been far too long. Morgana gets up and walks toward him.
Morgana: I apologise if you had a difficult reception. It's hard to know who to trust these days. Morgana stops in the middle and Arthur approaches her slowly. He raises Excalibur with an open hand to show he's not attacking her, and she watches his warily until he places the sword in his belt. He meets her in the middle.
Arthur (softly): What happened to you Morgana? Morgana looks him in the eye almost regretfully, the hurt plain on both their faces and in their voices.
Arthur (softly): I thought we were friends
Morgana (softly): As did I. Morgana's voice hardens.
Morgana: But alas, we were both wrong.
Arthur: You can't blame me for my father's sins.
Morgana: It's a little late for that. You've made it perfectly clear how you feel about me and my kind. You're not as different from Uther as you'd like to think.
Arthur: Nor are you. Morgana becomes angry and backs away.
Morgana: I'm going to enjoy killing you, Arthur Pendragon. Not even Emrys can save you now. Arthur draws Excalibur. Morgana smirks.
Morgana: Your blades cannot stop me. Merlin braces himself.
Morgana: *Hleap on bæc.* Nothing happens except the sound of the effigy's whispers. Morgana is confused and Arthur watches her reaction, still waiting for her attack. Morgana tries the spell again, raising her hand for strength.
Morgana (scared): *Hleap on bæc!* Merlin seems to be absorbing Morgana's magic with the effigy's whispers. Both Morgana and Arthur realise that her magic's not working.
Arthur: Not so powerful now, my lady. Helios pulls Morgana behind him as she panics. Morgana runs off.
Arthur: After her! Gwen and Merlin chase after Morgana. Southrons enter the council chamber from behind, fended off by Tristan and Isolde, while Arthur takes on Helios. Arthur clutches his wounded ribs while they fight.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Corridors
Morgana takes out some knights of Camelot with a sword as she makes her way through the corridors. Merlin follows. A knight of Camelot strikes Morgana from behind as he jumps out from behind a column. She takes him out, but not without sustaining a deadly wound in her side first.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Council chamber
Arthur struggles to fight Helios with his wounds. Helios knocks him down and disarms Arthur. Helios raises his sword for the final blow, but Isolde stabs him in the back. Helios sweeps around and slices Isolde as he falls down dead. Arthur realises what happened as Isolde turns to Tristan with a tragic look on her face. She drops her sword and falls to her knees. Arthur and Tristan go to help her.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Corridors
Gwen turns a corner cautiously, still in pursuit of Morgana. Morgana rounds the corner at the other end and Gwen crouches into a fighting stance. Morgana approaches and they fight.
Gwen: What did I do to make you hate me so much?
Morgana: It's not what you did, it's what you're destined to do! I'm sorry, Gwen, but I can never let that happen! Morgana disarms Gwen. She steps forward to kill Gwen, but she's blown backward. Part of the ceiling collapses with the blast. The glow in Merlin's eyes dies out. Merlin approaches Gwen.
Merlin: Are you all right?
Gwen: Yes. Merlin steps forward to find Morgana in the rubble smoke.
Gwen: What happened? The smoke clears and Morgana is gone.
Merlin: I don't know. Gwen and Merlin return to the council chamber.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Council chamber
Tristan holds Isolde in his arms as she dies.
Isolde: I'm sorry.
Tristan: Shhh. Gwen and Merlin enter.
Isolde: Our dreams...
Tristan: Isolde, don't. Arthur leans against a column, eyes bloodshot as he watches them.
Isolde: I wish...
Tristan: I wish, too.
Isolde: Hold me. Tristan puts an arm around her shoulders and she dies. He cradles her face in his hand and kisses her, then holds her body as he cries. Arthur swallows hard and looks up at Gwen. She looks up and they hold each other's gaze.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Arthur's chambers
Gwen sets a fallen chair upright in Arthur's chambers, which seems to have been trashed during the attack. Arthur enters.
Gwen: It will take some time.
Arthur: Merlin can take care of it. Arthur smiles and Gwen smiles back. Her smile fades as she steps forward.
Gwen: If you want me to go, to return to Ealdor...
Arthur: I want you to stay. Gwen waits uncertainly as Arthur steps forward.
Arthur: Guinevere...
Gwen: You don't have to say anything...
Arthur: Whatever's happened between us...
Gwen: Please, Arthur, I can't forgive myself.
Arthur: I don't care. Arthur steps up in front of her and Gwen waits.
Arthur: I just don't ever want to lose you. Gwen smiles a little. Arthur considers her for a moment and then takes her hands. She waits hopefully.
Arthur: Will you marry me? Gwen smiles.
Gwen: Yes. Arthur begins to smile.
Gwen: Yes, with all my heart. Arthur and Guinevere step into each other's arms and kiss passionately.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Throne room
The doors open to reveal Guinevere dressed in a rich, purple and gold gown, walking down the aisle between the knights and courtiers of Camelot. Guinevere kneels on the dais before Arthur. Arthur smiles down at her. A man brings the queen's crown to Arthur on a pillow and he takes it. Elyan, Gaius, and Merlin stand in the front row. Merlin is dressed in richer clothes. Gwaine and Leon stand behind them.
Arthur: By the sacred laws vested in me, I crown you...Guinevere...Queen of Camelot. Arthur crowns her and she smiles up at him. Arthur takes her hands, her engagement ring on her first finger, and she steps up on the dais. They kiss wholeheartedly and Guinevere smiles as they part. Arthur holds her hand and turns them to face their subjects.
Arthur: Long live the queen!
All: Long live the queen! Long live the queen! Long live the queen! Long live the queen! Long live the queen!
[SCENE_BREAK]
Forest
Morgana stumbles through the forest, clutching her wounded side. She falls and goes unconscious. Wings sweep overhead and Aithusa lands next to her. Aithusa breathes healing magic on her and she wakes. She looks at the little white dragon in wonder as Aithusa watches her and then flies away.
'MERLIN
WILL RETURN'
- Closing Credits - | Plan: A: Camelot; Q: What has Helios and Morgana captured? A: Merlin; Q: Who makes Arthur draw an ancient sword out of a stone? A: Arthur; Q: Who overthrows Morgana? A: Tristan; Q: Who is the son of Arthur and Gwen? A: the throne; Q: What does Merlin want to prove Arthur is the rightful heir to? A: his courage; Q: What did Arthur find to strike Camelot and overthrow Morgana? A: his crown; Q: What does Arthur take back after overthrowing Morgana? A: Queen of Camelot; Q: What does Gwen become after Arthur marries her? A: the little dragon Aithusa; Q: Who heals Morgana before flying away? Summary: Helios and Morgana have successfully captured Camelot, while Merlin, Arthur, Gwen, Tristan and Isolde are outlawed and on the run. To prove that Arthur is the rightful heir to the throne, Merlin makes Arthur draw an ancient sword out of a stone. Finding his courage, Arthur strikes Camelot and overthrows Morgana. Arthur takes his crown back and marries Gwen, who finally becomes Queen of Camelot. Wounded and banished, Morgana almost dies, but at the very end, the little dragon Aithusa heals Morgana before flying away. |
[OPENING CREDITS]
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. GREAT HALL - DAY]
Cora: We can put the presents in the drawing room against the window.
Mrs Hughes: Very good, milady.
[Mrs Hughes leaves to take care of it.]
Isobel: I suppose we do have to display all the presents. It can look rather greedy.
Lavinia: I can't bear the disruption we seem to have brought down on your heads.
Cora: Don't be silly.
[Matthew enters and Mary and Lavinia go to him.]
Lady Mary: How are you feeling?
Matthew: Just wish I could get rid of this damn stick. Sorry.
Lady Mary: Don't be. If anyone has a right to swear, it's you.
Cora: Don't bully yourself. Think of where we were a few months ago and smile.
Lady Mary: I quite agree.
Matthew: I want to make it up and down that isle without assistance.
Lavinia: Up, yes. You'll have me to lean on when you're coming down.
Lady Mary: And you still have three full days of practice, so never say die.
Isobel: My goodness, is that the time? I must be getting back.
Lavinia: I'll go with you.
Matthew: She's just sucking up, Mother.
Lavinia: Any bride who doesn't suck up to her husband's mother is a fool.
[Isobel chuckles and they exit arm in arm. Matthew smiles after them.]
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. MR CARSON'S OFFICE - DAY]
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Mrs Hughes knocks and enters.]
Mrs Hughes: Can I bother you? Mrs Bryant has written a letter I did not expect.
[Mrs Hughes hands it to Mr Carson.]
Mrs Hughes: She says her husband wants to see the baby. They both do.
Mr Carson: Isn't that what you hoped?
Mrs Hughes: Yes and no. Remember what he was like the last time. I don't want to build up Ethel's hopes again.
Mr Carson: Ethel's not important. It's the boy's chances you have to look to.
Mrs Hughes: I believe you're right, though we come at it by different routes.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. LADY MARY'S BEDROOM - EVENING]
Lady Mary: But why announce it tonight all of a sudden?
Lady Sybil: He's got a job at a newspaper. He heard today it's a real chance.
Lady Mary: Let him go to Dublin and then you can use the calm to consider.
[Sybil scoffs.]
Lady Edith: Mary doesn't want you to be trapped before you're completely sure.
Lady Sybil: But I am sure! How many times do I have to say it? Anna, tell them.
Anna: Lady Mary's right. It's a very big thing to give up your whole world.
Lady Mary: Thank you. Listen to her if you won't listen to me.
Lady Sybil: But I'm not giving up my world! They want to give me up. That's their affair. I'm perfectly happy to carry on being friends with everyone.
Lady Mary: Married to the chauffeur?
Lady Sybil: Yes. Anyway, he's a journalist now, which sounds better for Granny.
[Sybil sits down on the bed, frustrated.]
Lady Sybil: We're going to tell Papa tonight.
[They all stare at her.]
Lady Edith: "We"? You mean, you and Branson?
Lady Sybil: He's coming in after dinner.
Lady Edith: But what will Papa do?
Lady Mary: I imagine he'll call the police.
[Sybil sniffs and shakes her head.]
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. MR CARSON'S OFFICE - EVENING]
Mr Carson: Downton is not a hostel.
Thomas: No, Mr Carson.
Mr Carson: And you made such a point of not being a servant anymore, our ears are ringing with it.
Thomas: The trouble is, I'm a little out of pocket at the moment.
Mr Carson: I cannot say that I 'm sympathetic, when you dabble in the black market.
Thomas: I just need some more time, Mr Carson.
Mr Carson: How long is it since the last patient left, Sergeant? You're trespassing on our generosity.
Thomas: I'll try to make myself useful.
Mr Carson: Just find somewhere to go.
[Thomas leaves in shock.]
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. DRAWING ROOM - EVENING]
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Branson enters purposefully. Everyone stares.]
Robert: Yes?
[Edith tenses in anticipation. Branson looks at Sybil.]
Branson: I'm here.
[Sybil gets up and walks over to Branson.]
Lady Sybil: I don't think this is such a good idea. We mustn't worry Granny.
Branson: You've asked me to come, and I've come.
Violet: Would someone please tell me what is going on, or have we all stepped through the looking glass?
Branson: Your grandmother has as much right to know as anybody else.
Violet: Why don't I find that reassuring?
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. KITCHENS - EVENING]
Mrs Patmore: Ooh, how much longer is Mr Carson going to be? This is why it's never worth trying to make food interesting in the servants' hall. You're very quiet this evening.
Daisy Mason: I've had a letter of Mr Mason, William's dad.
Mrs Patmore: Oh, yes? What does he want?
Daisy Mason: To see me.
Mrs Patmore: Oh, there's nothing very wonderful in that. You're his daughter-in-law, why shouldn't he see you?
Daisy Mason: I wish it were as simple.
Mrs Patmore: Well, I think it is, but I'll not reopen the wound.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. DRAWING ROOM - EVENING]
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Mary is standing up facing Robert.]
Robert: What do you mean, "you knew"?
Lady Mary: I hoped it would blow over. I didn't want to split the family when Sybil might still wake up.
Robert: And all the time, you've been driving me about, bowing and scraping and seducing my daughter behind my back?
Branson: I don't bow and scrape! And I've not seduced anyone! Give your daughter some credit for knowing her own mind!
Robert: How dare you speak to me in that tone. You will leave at once.
Lady Sybil: Oh, Papa!
Robert: This is a folly! A ridiculous, juvenile madness!
[Violet holds up her hand.]
Violet: Sybil, what do you have in mind?
Robert: Mama, this is hardly-
[Violet holds up her hand.]
Violet: No. She must have something in mind. Otherwise, she wouldn't have summoned him here tonight.
Lady Sybil: Thank you, Granny. Yes, we do have a plan. Tom's got a job on a paper. I'll stay until after the wedding; I don't want to steal their thunder.
[Sybil indicates Mary and Lavinia.]
Lady Sybil: But after that, I'll go to Dublin.
Cora: To live with him? Unmarried?
Lady Sybil: I'll live with his mother while the bans are read. And then we'll be married...
[Sybil and Branson gaze into each other's eyes.]
Lady Sybil: And I'll get a job as a nurse.
Violet: What does your mother make of this?
Branson: If you must know, she thinks we're very foolish.
Violet: (chuckles) So at least we have something in common.
[Robert, who has been facing the wall, whips around and storms into the centre of the room.]
Robert: I won't allow it! I will not allow my daughter to throw away her life!
Lady Sybil: You can posture it all you like, Papa, it won't make any difference!
Robert: Oh, yes, it will.
Lady Sybil: How? I don't want any money and you can hardly lock me up until I die! I'll say goodnight. But I can promise you one thing, tomorrow morning nothing will have changed. Tom.
[Sybil gives him a look to follow her out, leaving the rest of them in a state of shock.]
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. ETHEL'S HOUSE - DAY]
Ethel: He's not coming here.
[Ethel folds up Mr Bryant's note.]
Ethel: I don't want him to see this place. I won't have him pity me.
Mrs Hughes: The question is, are you prepared to let them into Charlie's life?
Ethel: I suppose so, yes.
Mrs Hughes: Good. I'll ask them to Downton for Monday at four. And this time, it'll be all above board.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. SERVANTS' HALL - DAY]
O'Brien: Can't have expected to live here free forever.
Thomas: I didn't expect to get booted out.
O'Brien: You'll have to find some work.
Thomas: It's not that easy. Every Tom, Dick, and Harry's looking for work these days and they don't all have a hand like a Jules Verne experiment.
[Branson enters.]
Anna: Mr Branson, I know it wasn't easy last night.
Branson: We should've spoken out long ago.
Daisy Mason: Spoken out about what?
Branson: Oh, why not? Lady Sybil and I are getting married.
[Carson enters and the servants stand.]
Mr Carson: Have you no shame?
Branson: I'm sorry you feel like that, Mr Carson. You're a good man. But no, I have no shame. In fact, I have great pride in the love of that young woman and I will strive to be worthy of it.
Mr Carson: I will not disgrace myself by discussing the topic, and nor will anyone else. Now, if you will go, Mr Branson, we will continue with our day. Leave an address where we may forward what is owing to you.
Branson: No problem there, Mr Carson. I'll be at the Grantham Arms in the village until Lady Sybil is ready to make her departure. I bid you all a good day.
Jane: Is it really true--?
Mr Carson: Please. I have asked for silence and silence I will have.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. GREAT HALL - DAY]
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Lavinia puts a record on the gramophone as Violet enters the house.]
Violet: What on earth is it?
Lavinia: A gramophone. Some cousins of mine have given it to us.
Violet: I should stand well clear when you light blue touchpaper.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. DRAWING ROOM - DAY]
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Violet enters while Edith is sorting the wedding presents.]
Violet: All on your own?
Lady Edith: I've left space at the front for jewels. I know Lavinia's getting something from Papa.
Violet: And from me. Though she's so slight, a real necklace would flatten her.
[Edith and Violet chuckle.]
Violet: What news of Sybil?
Lady Edith: Papa is with her now.
Violet: I'm afraid it'll end in tears.
Lady Edith: Maybe. But they won't be Sybil's.
Violet: I used to think that Mary's beau was a misalliance, but compared to this, he's practically a Hapsburg.
[Edith smiles for a moment.]
Violet: Oh, don't worry. Your turn will come.
Lady Edith: Will it? Or am I just to be the maiden aunt? Isn't this what they do? Arrange presents for their pretty relations?
Violet: Don't be defeatist, dear, it's very middle class. Now, I better go up and support your father.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. LADY SYBIL'S BEDROOM - DAY]
Lady Sybil: Your threats are hollow, don't you see? "I won't be received in London. I won't be welcome at court." How do I make you understand? I couldn't care less.
[Robert is about to reply when Violet knocks and enters.]
Violet: I do hope I'm interrupting something.
Robert: I only wish you were, but I seem to be getting nowhere. Have you seen Cora?
Violet: Ah-ha. She's lying down, and can we blame her? Now, Sybil, dear, this sort of thing is all very well in novels, but in reality, it can prove very uncomfortable. And while I am sure Branson has many virtues...
[Robert is about to protest.]
Violet: Well, no, no. He's a good driver.
Lady Sybil: I will not give him up!
Robert: Don't be rude to your grandmother.
Violet: No, she's not being rude, just wrong.
Lady Sybil: This is my offer: I will stay one week to avoid the impression I've run away, and because I don't want to spoil Matthew's wedding. And then we will marry in Dublin and whoever wishes to visit will be very welcome.
Robert: Out of the question.
Lady Sybil: Will you forbid Mary and Edith?
Violet: No, don't, don't. Don't say anything you may have to retract.
Robert: Know this: there will be no more money. From here on in, your life will be very different.
Lady Sybil: Well, bully for that.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. MR CARSON'S OFFICE - DAY]
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Mrs Hughes knocks on the door and enters with a tray.]
Mrs Hughes: I thought this might [?] you off--
[Mr Carson tries to rise as she enters, but he's obviously not well.]
Mrs Hughes: Mr Carson, whatever's the matter?
Mr Carson: Oh, I 'm sure I'll be all right if I can just stay still for a moment.
[Mr Carson sinks back into his chair and Mrs Hughes puts down the tray.]
Mrs Hughes: You will not stay still, not down here. Get to bed this minute. I'll send for the doctor.
Mr Carson: I can't. We've got the Crawleys tonight and Miss Swire. What with this business of Lady Sybil.
Mrs Hughes: I'll deal with it.
[She helps him up.]
Mr Carson: Get Mr Molesley to help.
Mrs Hughes: There's no need.
Mr Carson: I mean it. The war is no longer an excuse for sloppy presentation.
Mrs Hughes: Oh, very well, I'll ask him, but only on condition you go to bed.
[Mrs Hughes helps Carson to his room.]
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. LADY GRANTHAM'S BEDROOM - EVENING]
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Cora heaves an exhausted sigh.]
O'Brien: Are you too hot in that, my lady? We still have time to change.
Cora: No, I'm fine. Thank you.
[O'Brien leaves and Cora sinks into a chair.]
Cora: So, what do we do next?
Robert: God knows. This is what comes of spoiling her. The mad clothes, the nursing. What were we thinking of?
Cora: That's not fair. She's a wonderful nurse and she's worked very hard.
Robert: But in the process, she's forgotten who she is.
Cora: Has she, Robert? Or have we overlooked who she really is?
Robert: If you're turning American on me, I'll go downstairs.
[Cora sighs and Robert leaves.]
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. SERVE ROOM - EVENING]
Anna: Mr Carson likes to serve two white wines, which you should open and decant just before they eat. A light one for the hors d'oeuvres, then a heavy one with the soup. Keep that going for the fish, and then change to the Claret, which you should really decant now. There's a pudding wine, and after that whatever they want in the drawing room with their coffee.
Mr Molesley: Blimey, it's a wonder they make it up the stairs.
Anna: They don't drink much of any of it. Now, let me show you the decanters. These four...
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. STAIRCASE - EVENING]
Cora: So I don't have to receive that terrible man again.
Mrs Hughes: It won't be necessary. They'll meet Ethel here, but the--
[Cora stops to lean on the banister.]
Mrs Hughes: Should you be downstairs, milady?
Cora: Oh, I'm perfectly all right, thank you.
[Cora continues down the stairs.]
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. KITCHENS - EVENING]
Thomas: Why Molesley? I could've done it.
Mrs Patmore: But you always make a mountain out of not being a servant.
Thomas: I'm just trying to be helpful.
Mrs Patmore: I'm afraid "being helpful" is not something we associate you with.
[Thomas walks off.]
Mrs Patmore: Ooh, it's wonderful what fear can do to the human spirit.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. SERVE ROOM - EVENING]
Anna: You quite right, Mr Molesley?
Mr Molesley: Yes, I just want to be absolutely sure that this is the lighter wine.
[Molesley pours himself a glass.]
Jane: What does it matter as long as it's white.
Mr Molesley: No. I believe in starting the way you mean to go on. Don't want to get off on the wrong foot.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. DINING ROOM - EVENING]
Violet: I'm glad you're here, Sybil, dear. I was afraid you'd have a tray in your room.
Robert: Maybe you should have done.
Lady Sybil: Why? I'm nor eloping like a thief in the night. I might have once, but Mary and Edith talked me out of it.
[Mary and Edith stare at her for outing them.]
Violet: Oh? The plot thickens.
Isobel: After all, Sybil's had enough time to think about it--
Matthew: Mother, it is not for us to have an opinion.
[Molesley falters in pouring Matthew's wine.]
Matthew: Mr Molesley, are you quite well?
Mr Molesley: I--I'm all right, thank you, sir.
Matthew: I don't believe you are.
Cora: The awful truth is, I'm not quite all right and I'm afraid I'm going to ask you to excuse me.
Robert: I'm so sorry.
[The men stand as Cora gets up from the table.]
Robert: Would you like us to call Dr Clarkson?
Cora: No, no, darling, it's too late.
Anna: He's coming anyway, Your Lordship, for Mr Carson.
Lady Edith: I-- I'll bring him up when he arrives.
Robert: I can sleep in my dressing room.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. SERVANTS' CORRIDOR - EVENING]
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Bates turns the corner as Anna walks down the corridor.]
Anna: Oh. I'm glad I've got you.
Mr Bates: Aren't you serving?
Anna: They're on the main course, so I can spare a moment. I've been thinking and, erm, I have to say something that you won't agree with. We're going to get married.
Mr Bates: Don't be silly. We can't. Not now.
Anna: You're not listening. You're going to Ripon tomorrow afternoon to take out a special license - I don't care how much it costs - and fix a day. We'll tell no one, but this you will do.
Mr Bates: I can't.
Anna: Aren't I as strong as Lady Sybil?
Mr Bates: I don't doubt that.
Anna: Well, then. If she can do it, so can we. That's what I've been thinking. I have stuck by you through thick and thin.
Mr Bates: Thin and thin, more like.
Anna: Mr Bates, if we have to face this, then we will face it as husband and wife. I will not be moved to the sidelines to watch how you fair from a distance with no right even to be kept informed. I will be your next of kin, and you cannot deny me that.
Jane: Anna! You better come, quick.
[Anna goes with Jane.]
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. SERVE ROOM - EVENING]
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Molesley moans and puts a handkerchief to his face.]
Anna: Mr Molesley? What's happened? Haven't you taken that in yet?
Mr Molesley: I'm not well. I'm not well at all.
Jane: First Mr Carson, then Her Ladyship, and now him.
Anna: Help him down to the servants' hall. The doctor can take a look at him, too, when he gets here.
[Anna grabs the decanter and enters the dining room.]
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. DINING ROOM - EVENING]
Robert: The Spanish flu has found its way to Yorkshire.
Isobel: And to Downton. Dr Clarkson says he's got ten cases already.
[Anna pours Violet's drink.]
Robert: Ah, I thought Molesley had joined the temperance league.
Anna: I'm afraid he's been taken ill, milord. I am sorry.
Robert: Molesley, too? Good heavens, everyone's falling like ninepins.
[Lavinia swoons in her chair.]
Lady Mary: Lavinia?
Lavinia: Do you know, I'm not at all well either. I wonder if I could lay down for a minute?
Lady Mary: Of course. Come to my room. They'll have lit the fire by now.
[Mary and Lavinia get up from the table. The men stand as they exit.]
Lavinia: Excuse me.
Isobel: Do you think we should take her home?
Matthew: No, let her rest for a moment.
Isobel: Well, I--I think I should go and help.
[Isobel gets up and exits.]
Violet: Wasn't there a masked ball in Paris when cholera broke out? Half the guests were dead before they left the ballroom.
Robert: Thank you, Mama. That's cheered us up no end.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. UPSTAIRS CORRIDOR - EVENING]
Mrs Hughes: I'll take you to Mr Carson now, and then to see Mr Molesley in the servants' hall.
[Robert turns the corner.]
Robert: Dr Clarkson, you're kind to come. How is she?
Dr Clarkson: Not too bad, I see. But she'll need some nursing for a day or two.
Robert: Oh, don't worry about that. All our daughters are professionals. Let's leave her to get some rest.
[Mary and Isobel approach.]
Lady Mary: Miss Swire may be another victim, but she's sleeping now, so I don't want to disturb her.
Dr Clarkson: When she wakes, give her some aspirin and cinnamon in milk and keep her here. I'll look at her in the morning. I better go to Carson.
Isobel: I'll come, too.
[Clarkson takes a breath and rolls his eyes, but follows Mrs Hughes without a word.]
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. GREAT HALL - EVENING]
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Matthew puts on the gramophone. Mary watches him from the balcony for a moment before descending the stairs.]
Lady Mary: Where is everyone?
Matthew: I'm not sure. Cousin Violet's gone home.
Lady Mary: What about you?
Matthew: I'm waiting for Lavinia and Mother.
Lady Mary: Dr Clarkson wants Lavinia to stay here. He'll see her tomorrow.
[Mary listens to the music.]
Lady Mary: I don't know this one.
Matthew: Actually, I rather like it. I think it was in a show that flopped. Zip Goes a Million, or something.
[Mary lets out an amused sigh. Matthew holds out his hands to dance with her. She steps into his arms.]
Lady Mary: Can you manage without your stick?
Matthew: You are my stick.
Lady Mary: Hm. We were a show that flopped.
Matthew: Oh, God, Mary.
[The music fades and transitions into the modern Downton Abbey orchestral score.]
Matthew: I am so, so sorry. Do you know how sorry I am?
Lady Mary: Don't be. It wasn't anyone's fault. If it was, it was mine.
Matthew: You know, Cousin Violet came to me and told me to marry you.
Lady Mary: When was this?
Matthew: A while ago. When we knew I would walk again.
Lady Mary: Classic Granny. What did you say?
Matthew: That I couldn't accept Lavinia's sacrifice of her life, her children, her future, and then give her the brush off when I was well again. Well, I couldn't, could I?
Lady Mary: Of course not.
Matthew: However much I might want to.
Lady Mary: Absolutely not.
[Mary and Matthew kiss.]
Lavinia: Hello.
[Lavinia comes down the stairs and Mary and Matthew part.]
Matthew: What are you doing up?
Lavinia: Shouldn't we be getting back?
Lady Mary: It's decided. You're staying here. Dr Clarkson's coming in the morning so he can treat all of you together. You can borrow some things until Matthew brings you what you need. I'll go and organize a room.
[Mary leaves and Matthew walks up to Lavinia.]
Matthew: How do you feel?
Lavinia: Like a nuisance.
Matthew: You could never be that.
Lavinia: I mean it, Matthew. Don't ever let me be a nuisance. Don't ever let me get in the way, please.
[The gramophone scratches at the end of the song.]
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. SERVANTS' HALL - EVENING]
O'Brien: I'll sleep on a chair in her room.
Dr Clarkson: Oh, no. There's no need for that.
O'Brien: I don't mind.
[Molesley pulls his head off the table groggily.]
Mr Molesley: What is it?
O'Brien: I'd like to be on hand.
Mrs Hughes: So, we're quite the hospital again.
Dr Clarkson: You'll probably gain some more patients over the next few day--
[Clarkson leans in as he's checking Molesley and sniffs his hair. He smiles as Molesley continues to snore at the table.]
Dr Clarkson: But you don't need to worry about Molesley. He'll be fine in the morning.
Mrs Hughes: Oh?
Dr Clarkson: Uh-huh. The others have Spanish flu. He's just drunk.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. UPSTAIRS CORRIDOR - NIGHT]
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Robert steps out of his dressing room when he hears footsteps. He stops, disappointed, and turns back to his room, but Jane appears.]
Jane: Oh, did you want Mr Bates, milord?
Robert: I forgot to say I want to be woken early.
Jane: Well, I can tell him that.
[Robert nods and starts to go back to his room.]
Jane: Freddy got in to Ripon Grammar. So, whatever you said, it worked.
Robert: Marvellous. Some good news at last.
Jane: I hate to hear you talk like that.
Robert: I'm sorry, that was selfish of me to spoil your happy moment.
Jane: You need never say "sorry" to me. How are you, really?
Robert: Since you ask, I'm wretched. I lost my youngest child today, I suspect forever, and I can't see any way around it.
Jane: I wish you knew how much I want to help.
Robert: Do you?
Jane: I think you know I do.
[Robert holds out his hand and Jane takes it. He leads her into his dressing room.]
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. MR CARSON'S BEDROOM - NIGHT]
Mr Carson: I'll see if I can get up tomorrow.
Mrs Hughes: Don't be foolish. You're ill. And in all probability, you're going to be a lot iller in the morning.
Mr Carson: But how will you manage? And what about the wedding?
Mrs Hughes: I'm not sure there'll even be a wedding. But either way, I won't burden you with it.
Mr Carson: P-- perhaps Mr Molesley could come on a permanent basis until I'm better.
Mrs Hughes: I doubt that's a solution, Mr Carson. Neither my patience nor his liver could stand it.
[Mrs Hughes gestures for him to drink up his medicine.]
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. LORD GRANTHAM'S DRESSING ROOM - NIGHT]
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Robert snogs the maid. Bates knocks at the door and opens it, but Robert is already at the door and prevents him from opening it any further while Jane hides in the corner.]
Robert: Who is it?
Mr Bates: I'm sorry, my lord, we never settled a time you wanted to be woken.
Robert: Early, I think, with everyone ill. Seven. I'll breakfast at half past.
Mr Bates: Very good, milord. Goodnight.
[Bates leaves and Robert closes the door and closes his eyes.]
Robert: This isn't fair. I'm placing you in an impossible situation.
Jane: I want to be with you. Let me.
[Jane tries to kiss him, but he takes her hands and pulls back.]
Jane: I see. You don't want me now.
Robert: I want you with every fibre of my being, but it isn't fair to you; it isn't fair to anyone. I wish I were different. I wish everything were different.
Jane: I don't want you different. I like you the way you are.
ROBERT (sigh) Thank you for that. I will cherish it. Truly.
[She tries to kiss him again, but he won't let her. He opens the door and checks the hall, then returns to the room and Jane leaves.]
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. LADY GRANTHAM'S BEDROOM - MORNING]
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Mrs Hughes enters as Edith and O'Brien nurse Cora.]
Mrs Hughes: What can I bring to help?
O'Brien: Ice to bring her temperature down.
Lady Mary: Mrs Hughes, Sir Richard telephoned this morning. He's coming down to help. I wonder if you could have some rooms made ready for him and his valet, and tell Mrs Patmore.
Mrs Hughes: Very good, milady.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. GRANTHAM ARMS - DAY]
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Robert walks through the village to the inn.]
Branson: But I don't accept that I am ruining her life. Nor that I'm cutting her off from her family. If you want to cut her off, that's your decision.
Robert: But how will you look after her? How can you hope to provide for her?
Branson: With respect, milord, you seem to think that she can only be happy in some version of Downton Abbey when it's obvious that if she wanted that life, she would not be marrying me.
[Robert tosses his hat and cane on the bed.]
Robert: Very well.
[Robert sits in a chair.]
Robert: I'd hoped to avoid this, but I see that I can't.
[Robert pulls out a check book and pen and opens it on the table next to him.]
Robert: How much will you take to leave us in peace?
[Branson is stunned.]
Branson: What?
Robert: You must have doubts. You said your own mother thinks you foolish.
Branson: Yes, she does.
Robert: Then yield to those doubts and take enough to make a new life back in Ireland. I'll be generous if we can bring this nonsense to an end.
Branson: (scoffs) I see. You know, your trouble, milord, you're like all of your kind. You think you have the monopoly of honour.
[Robert looks up sharply from writing his check.]
Branson: Doesn't it occur to you that I might believe the best guarantee of Sybil's happiness lies with me?
Robert: Well!
[Robert puts his check book away and stands up.]
Robert: If you are not prepared to listen to reason--
Branson: I'm not prepared to listen to insults.
Robert: Then I will bid you a good day.
[Robert picks up his hat and cane.]
Robert: And I want you to leave the village.
Branson: Even though she'll come to me the moment I call? Do you really want me to leave now when I will take her with me that same hour?
[Robert leaves without a word.]
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. GREAT HALL - DAY]
Isobel: Ah, there you are. Dr Clarkson's here. Cora's not at all well. Sybil and Edith are with her. Mary's gone to meet Sir Richard from the train.
Robert: What's he come for?
Isobel: I gather he wants to be useful.
Robert: I don't see how.
Mrs Hughes: Milord, we're two more maids down. I hope you can forgive some catch as catch can in the days ahead.
Robert: Which maids? Not Jane?
Mrs Hughes: No, milord, not Jane.
[Mrs Hughes turns away and looks confused. Robert heads up the stairs and a maid takes a bowl from Edith who is descending.]
Robert: What are they doing?
Lady Edith: Decorations for the wedding. It still hasn't been cancelled. Until it is, they have to prepare for it.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. SERVANTS' HALL - DAY]
Mrs Hughes: If Anna or Jane appear, tell them to come and help me do the room for Sir Richard. I'll be in Armada.
[Thomas takes the sheets from Mrs Hughes.]
Thomas: I can help you with the bedroom, then I'll set up a room for his man, and I'll serve at dinner.
Mrs Hughes: But I've no money to pay you.
Thomas: Call it rent.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. LAVINIA'S GUEST BEDROOM - DAY]
Isobel: The awful truth is, the wedding simply cannot go ahead.
Matthew: Oh, don't say that.
Isobel: I must. Dr Clarkson says you'll be groggy for at least a week, maybe even longer. We have to face the facts.
Lavinia: What about my father?
Isobel: Well, Matthew can telephone him.
Lavinia: He can't come here while everyone's ill. He has a weak chest and mustn't take the risk.
Matthew: All right. Well, I suppose we've made a decision, then. To delay.
Lavinia: I don't think we've got any choice.
Isobel: No, I'm afraid we don't.
[Matthew and Isobel exit.]
Matthew: At least she doesn't seem too serious.
Isobel: No, no. I'd say she's been lucky. But I am terribly sorry about the wedding.
Matthew: These things are sent to try us.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. LADY GRANTHAM'S BEDROOM - DAY]
Robert: Why didn't anyone tell me she was like this?
Lady Sybil: She took a turn for the worse about half an hour ago. Where were you?
Robert: Out. I went for a walk.
[O'Brien enters with a fresh bowl of water and places a cloth over Cora's forehead.]
O'Brien: There we are, my lady. That's better, isn't it?
LADY SYBIL (whisper) She's been with her all night.
Robert: O'Brien, you must have a rest. Not just now, milord. If you don't mind, I want to see her through the worst if I can. Now, I'll just make this colder for you.
[O'Brien dips the cloth in the water. Robert takes Sybil aside.]
Robert: How is she, really? Tell me the truth.
Lady Sybil: I can't yet. Dr Clarkson says we will know more in a few hours.
Robert: God Almighty, how can this be? My whole life gone over a cliff in the course of a single day.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. SERVANTS' HALL - DAY]
[SCENE_BREAK]
[One of the serving bells rings. Bates turns to one of the extra servants.]
Mr Bates: Take care of that, thank you.
[The servant leaves as Anna enters.]
Mr Bates: How're you doing?
Anna: I'm not sure. Her Ladyship's worse.
Mr Bates: I'm sorry.
Anna: Jane said you wanted to see me.
Mr Bates: It's only to say that I've done it. I've booked the registrar.
[Anna beams.]
Anna: When for?
Mr Bates: He's had a cancellation, so it's...it's Friday afternoon.
Anna: This Friday?
[Ethel enters with Charlie.]
Anna: Ethel? What are you doing here?
[Anna greats Charlie as Jane enters.]
Jane: Those Bryants have turned up agai--
Ethel: That's what.
Anna: I'll find Mrs Hughes and come back for you.
[Anna smiles at Bates on her way out.]
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. PARLOUR - DAY]
Mrs Hughes: I hope I haven't kept you waiting.
Mrs Bryant: No, no.
Mrs Hughes: I'm afraid we have illness in the house, so I hope you can excuse Lord and Lady Grantham.
Mr Bryant: It's not them we've come to see, is it? Is she here?
Mrs Hughes: She's just coming now.
[Anna opens the door for Ethel and Charlie.]
Mrs Bryant: May I meet him properly?
Ethel: Come along, Charlie.
[She carries him to Mrs Bryant, both of them smiling.]
Ethel: This nice lady is your grandmother.
Mrs Bryant: Perhaps you could call me Gran.
Mrs Hughes: He's a stout little chap, isn't he?
Mrs Bryant: And so like Charles. I thought it when we were last here. I know what was said at the time and Mr Bryant's sorry for it now, but I could see he was just like Charles.
Mr Bryant: Never mind all that. Let's get down to business.
Ethel: Business?
Mrs Hughes: MR BRYANT That's what you want from us, isn't it? Find out what we mean to do for little Charlie in the future.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. KITCHENS - DAY]
Daisy Mason: What do you mean, "she might die"?
O'Brien: What do you think happens with a fatal illness? The fairy's come?
Mrs Patmore: By heaven, if anything happens to her, it won't be your fault, Miss O'Brien. I've never seen such care.
O'Brien: I wish I could talk to her, that's all, but she doesn't know me.
Mrs Patmore: I'm sure she knows how hard you've worked for her.
O'Brien: It's not that. There's something I need...Never mind. Either I will or I won't.
[O'Brien takes the tray and exits.]
Mrs Patmore: You never know people, do you? You can work with them for twenty years and you don't know them at all.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. PARLOUR - DAY]
Ethel: What? You mean, give him up? Never see him again?
Mr Bryant: Those are my terms.
Mrs Hughes: But...would it hurt if Ethel were to care for him in your own house? She could be his nurse.
Mrs Bryant: That might be possible.
Ethel: Mrs Hughes: MR BRYANT Of course she can't be his nurse. Just think for a minute. We mean to bring him up as a gentleman, send him to [Harrowsay?] and Oxford, and all the while his mother's down in the servants' hall? How does that work?
Ethel: Well, I-- I could.
Mr Bryant: No, no, no. Don't you see? We want to raise him as our grandson, not as a housemaid's b*st*rd.
Mrs Bryant: Well, he has to know the truth sometime.
Mr Bryant: Maybe. But not for a long time. Till then, his father had a wartime marriage until he died, and his mother succumbed to Spanish flu.
Mrs Bryant: A lot of people have.
Mrs Hughes: We've quite a few upstairs.
Mr Bryant: And that, for many years at least, is all that Charlie will be told.
Ethel: So, I'm just to be written out? Painted over, buried?
Mr Bryant: What matters is what's good for Charlie.
Ethel: No. What's good for Charlie, and what's good for you?
[Ethel stands up angry. She walks over to Mrs Bryant.]
Ethel: You've got a heart, I know you have. You see what he's asking?
[Mr Bryant stands.]
Mr Bryant: Ethel, consider this: in the world as it is, compare the two futures. The first as my heir, educated, privileged, rich, able to do what he wants, to marry whom he likes. The second as the b*st*rd son--
[Mrs Hughes stands up.]
Mrs Hughes: I think we've heard enough of that word for one day.
Mr Bryant: Very well. As the...nameless offshoot of drudge. You're his mother. Which would you choose for him?
Ethel: Suppose I could be his nurse and never tell him who I am? Suppose I promised that?
[Mrs Bryant stands.]
Mrs Bryant: Surely--
Mr Bryant: Come on, we all know that's a promise you could never keep.
[Anna enters.]
Anna: I'm sorry, Mrs Hughes. We must send for the doctor to come at once. Her Ladyship's much worse.
Mrs Bryant: I--I'm afraid--
Mr Bryant: Go where you're needed, we've has our say, and you know how to reach us when you've made your decision.
[Mrs Bryant and Ethel exchange a look.]
Mr Bryant: Come along Daphne.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. LADY GRANTHAM'S BEDROOM - DAY]
[SCENE_BREAK]
[O'Brien continues to nurse Cora alone.]
Cora: O'Brien? Is that you, O'Brien?
[O'Brien smiles.]
O'Brien: Yes, milady. It's me, milady.
Cora: You're so good to me. You've always been so good to me.
O'Brien: Not always, milady.
Cora: So good.
O'Brien: No. And the fact is, I want to ask so much for your forgiveness, because I did something once which I bitterly regret. Bitterly. And if you could only know how much--
Cora: So very good.
[Cora is clearly still delirious. Robert enters.]
Robert: How is she?
O'Brien: She slept and she seemed better, then suddenly the fever came back.
Robert: O'Brien, thank you for the way you've looked after her. I mean it, I'm very grateful, whatever comes.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. LAVINIA'S GUEST BEDROOM]
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Isobel sits by Lavinia's bedside, but stands as Matthew enters.]
Matthew: What a marathon, but I think I got them all. Everyone sends love. I've told your father I'll telegraph him as soon as it's safe for him to come.
Lavinia: But not before.
Isobel: Well, I don't think I should leave you alone.
[Matthew sighs.]
Isobel: But if you don't tell.
[Matthew chuckles and Isobel leaves. He sits in the chair.]
Matthew: I've been thinking about the date for the rematch, and...what is it?
Lavinia: I wonder if we haven't been rather lucky.
Matthew: Well, I think we've both been very lucky.
Lavinia: That we've been given a second chance.
Matthew: Second chance at what?
Lavinia: To be quite, quite sure about what we're doing.
Matthew: Darling, what can you mean?
Lavinia: The thing is...I might as well say it. When I came downstairs and you and Mary were dancing, I heard what you said...and I saw what you did.
Matthew: But that was--
Lavinia: No, it's not that I'm in a rage and a fury. In fact, I think it's noble of you to want to keep your word when things have changed. But I'm not sure it'd be right for me to hold you to it.
Matthew: Lavinia, I can explain.
Lavinia: No, listen. I've had lots of time to think about it. I love you very, very much, and I've wanted to marry you from the first moment I saw you, all that is true. But I didn't really know what I was taking on. It's not in me to be Queen of the County. I'm a little person, an ordinary person, and when I saw you and Mary together, I thought ,"How fine. How right you look together."
Matthew: I-- I don't want to hear this.
Lavinia: But you must. Because it isn't a sudden thing. I was starting to worry, and then when you were wounded, I thought it was my calling to look after you and care for you. And I don't think Mary would've done that quite as well as me, really.
MATTHEW (laughs) No, no. No, not nearly as well.
Lavinia: I do have some self-worth. Just not enough to make you marry the wrong person.
Matthew: What you're saying is pointless! Mary's marrying somebody else.
Lavinia: Is she? We'll see.
Matthew: I won't let you do this.
Lavinia: You will. But we won't fight about it now. In fact, I'm tired. Can I rest for a bit? We'll talk later.
Matthew: Of course.
[Matthew gets up and he sees her start to cry just before he leaves.]
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. DRAWING ROOM - DAY]
Lady Mary: It's good of you to come, but I don't really see what you can do.
Sir Richard Carlisle: I just thought I better do my bit. You say the chauffeur's gone, so I could always drive the car.
Lady Mary: Preferably over the chauffeur. Hm.
Sir Richard Carlisle: You father's not having an easy time of it. How's Lady Grantham?
Lady Mary: Not well. Clarkson's with her now.
Sir Richard Carlisle: And Miss Swire?
Lady Mary: Oh, she's...
[Something occurs to her and she turns to face Carlisle.]
Lady Mary: Is that why you've come? Because I said Lavinia had been taken ill?
Sir Richard Carlisle: I was coming up anyway in a day or two for the wedding.
Lady Mary: Well, she won't be getting married on Saturday, which I suppose is what you'd like best.
Sir Richard Carlisle: But she's not seriously ill?
Lady Mary: I see what was worrying you. If Lavinia had been carried off, you wanted to be here to stop Matthew from falling into my arms on a tidal wave of grief.
Sir Richard Carlisle: It's a tricky disease.
[Thomas enters.]
Thomas: His Lordship's asking for you, milady.
[Mary gathers her letters and exits]
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. KITCHENS - DAY]
Mrs Hughes: I think we should aim at a sort of buffet dinner. Then they can run in and out as it suits them. I'm sorry to make extra work.
Mrs Patmore: Never mind that. At times like these, we must all pull together.
Mrs Hughes: Oh, this arrived in the afternoon post, Daisy.
[Mrs Hughes hands Daisy a letter. Thomas enters.]
Thomas: Tea for Sir Richard in the drawing room.
Mrs Hughes: Well, I'm glad to know he's here to help.
[Mrs Hughes and Mrs Patmore shake their heads while Daisy reads her letter.]
Thomas: I can do it.
Mrs Hughes: You're very obliging, Thomas.
Thomas: I could take some up to Mr Carson, if you'd like.
[Mrs Hughes and Mrs Patmore exchange a look.]
Mrs Patmore: Is that from your Mr Mason?
Daisy Mason: He's not mine.
Mrs Hughes: What does he say?
Daisy Mason: He just says again we should talk about William. He wants me to go to his farm.
Mrs Patmore: Oh, poor man, will you not visit him?
Daisy Mason: I'm not going to any farm.
Mrs Hughes: You're all he's got, Daisy.
Daisy Mason: Well, then he's got nobody, 'cause he hasn't got me.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. LADY MARY'S BEDROOM - DAY]
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Mary enters as Anna is finishing the bed.]
Anna: Oh, I'm sorry, milady, I didn't think you'd want to change tonight.
Lady Mary: I don't. I just need a handkerchief.
Anna: How's Her Ladyship?
Lady Mary: Not good, I'm afraid. What is it?
Anna: I--I don't mean to bother you, milady.
Lady Mary: Go on.
Anna: Can you keep a secret? Well, I know you can. You see, Mr Bates and I had a plan...to get married this coming Friday.
Lady Mary: What?
Anna: He's worried the police haven't finished with him, and if he's right, then I'm not going through it with no proper place in his life.
Lady Mary: Well, that's a very brave decision.
Anna: Or a very stupid one. But, anyway, with Her Ladyship ill now, and half the servants on their backs, and everybody working flat out--
Lady Mary: Where is the marriage to be?
Anna: Just in the register office in Ripon. It wouldn't take long, but--
Lady Mary: Go. I'll cover for you. We're all here, and you won't help Mama by changing your plans.
[Edith enters.]
Lady Edith: You better come. She's worse.
[Mary rushes out with Edith.]
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. LADY GRANTHAM'S BEDROOM - EVENING]
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Clarkson puts on his coat to leave.]
Dr Clarkson: I've given her the epinephrine.
O'Brien (worried): Doctor!
[Cora is gasping for air and her nose is bleeding.]
Lady Edith: Oh, no. What does that mean?
Dr Clarkson: It's a haemorrhage of the mucus membranes. It's, er, it's not unusual.
[Sybil gets a bowl to Cora just in time as she vomits.]
O'Brien: It's all right, milady. Don't worry. Don't worry a bit. Everything's going to be all right.
Robert (whisper): Everything is clearly not all right. How bad is it?
Dr Clarkson (low voice): If she lasts through the night, she'll live.
[Mary, Edith, and Robert absorb this shock.]
Dr Clarkson: What about the others?
Lady Mary: Come with me.
Dr Clarkson: I'll be back shortly.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. MR CARSON'S BEDROOM - EVENING]
Dr Clarkson: I've given some medicine to Mrs Hughes. She'll bring it up later.
Mr Carson: I gather Her Ladyship is not improving.
Dr Clarkson: Ah, well, er...we'll know more tomorrow.
Mr Carson: And Miss Swire?
Dr Clarkson: Not too bad, I think. I'll go to her when I've seen the rest of the servants.
[Someone knocks just as Clarkson heads for the door and he opens it.]
Dr Clarkson: Ah.
[Clarkson exits as Thomas brings in a tray, to Mr Carson's shock.]
Thomas: Thank you, sir. Here we are, Mr Carson. Now, have you got everything you need?
[Carson nods.]
Thomas: Milady.
[Thomas exits cheerfully.]
Mr Carson: I wan-- I want to thank you for coming up, my lady.
Lady Mary: Not at all.
Mr Carson: No, no, I mean it. I know I've been a disappointment to you.
Lady Mary: Maybe. But I've relied on your support for too long to do without it entirely.
Mr Carson: You'll always have my support, my lady.
Lady Mary: And you mine. On which subject...
[Mary brings Carson's dinner tray to him.]
Lady Mary: I should be careful of Thomas.
Mr Carson: I don't know how we're to get rid of him after all this.
Lady Mary: But I doubt he'll want to stay a footman forever, so watch out.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. DINING ROOM - EVENING]
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Thomas waits on the buffet dinner party in full livery.]
Lady Mary: You look very smart, Thomas.
Thomas: Well, I still have the shirt, milady, and I found my livery in the cupboard, so I thought, why not?
[Mary finishes serving up her own plate and walks over to sit next to Matthew.]
Sir Richard Carlisle: I have a place for you here.
[Mary pauses awkwardly and goes to sit next to Carlisle.]
Isobel: How's Lavinia?
Matthew: All right, I think. The illness has made her rather...confused.
Lady Mary: What do you mean?
[Sybil rushes in, wearing her nursing uniform.]
Lady Sybil: Matthew! Mary!
[Everyone gets up.]
Lady Mary: Is it Mama?
Lady Sybil: That's what's so...it's Lavinia.
[Everyone rushes out except Carlisle. He grabs Mary's arm on her way out.]
Sir Richard Carlisle: Let him go to her. Let him be with her. Surely you owe her that.
[Mary slips out of his grasp and leaves without a word.]
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. LAVINIA'S GUEST BEDROOM - EVENING]
Isobel: What happened?
Dr Clarkson: This is how I found her. It's bad, I'm afraid. Very bad.
[Lavinia seems to be struggling to breathe.]
Dr Clarkson: The worst.
Matthew: I don't understand. When I was with her, she was talking, she was fine.
Dr Clarkson: It's-- it's a strange disease with sudden, savage changes. I'm terribly sorry.
Matthew: Well, what can I do? Can I talk to her?
Dr Clarkson: Yes, of course.
[Matthew sits in the chair next to the bed and takes Lavinia's hand. The men step away and turn their backs, but the women watch.]
Matthew: My darling, can you hear me? It's me. It's Matthew.
Lavinia: Matthew. I'm so glad you're here.
Matthew: Of course I'm here. Darling, where else would I be?
Lavinia: Isn't this better, really?
Matthew: I don't understand you.
Lavinia: You won't have to make a hard decision. Be happy, for my sake. Promise me. It's all I want for you. Remember that. That's all I want.
Matthew: But I can't be happy. Not without you. How could I be happy?
[Lavinia dies. Isobel steps forward and the gentlemen turn back around. Clarkson checks her pulse, then places a hand on Matthew's shoulder and steps away.]
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. GREAT HALL - DAY]
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Matthew walks to Downton wearing a black armband, looking like a zombie. He enter the great hall and sees servants taking the garlands down from the staircase.]
Matthew: What are you doing?
Thomas: They were put up for the wedding, Mr Crawley.
[Robert approaches Matthew.]
Robert: My dear chap, I cannot find the words to say how sorry I am.
Matthew: How is Cousin Cora?
Robert: Much better, thank you.
Matthew: Glad to hear it. I came up to see if there's anything I need to do.
Robert: We've taken care of all that. As you know, we always use Graspy's.
Matthew: Of course.
Robert: Travis has suggested Monday for the funeral to give people time to get here. It'll be in tomorrow's paper.
Matthew: That's very kind of you.
Robert: I know Mary wanted to--
Matthew: No.
Robert: --see you.
Matthew: I mean, I...don't really want to see anyone. Not yet. Now I know everything's settled, I'll go back.
Robert: When you speak to her father, do ask him to stay here
Matthew: Thank you. He'll be...very grateful.
Robert: Just tell me what you want me to do, and I'll do it.
[Matthew zombie walks away.]
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. MR CARSON'S BEDROOM - DAY]
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Mrs Hughes gives Mr Carson his medicine.]
Mrs Hughes: Are you feeling more yourself?
Mr Carson: A bit. I still can't get over it.
Mrs Hughes: I hope you'll not pretend you liked her now.
Mr Carson: I didn't want her here, Mrs Hughes, I'll admit, but I had no objection to her being happy somewhere else.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. LADY GRANTHAM'S BEDROOM - DAY]
Robert: A sight to gladden my heart.
Cora: Is it? I hope it is.
Robert: You gave us quite a fright.
Cora: They told me about Lavinia.
Robert: The funeral is on Monday.
Cora: I'd like to go if I can.
[Cora lays her hand on the bed for Robert to take. He takes it.]
Cora: We're all right, aren't we Robert?
[Robert looks at her face, narrows his eyes, and the replies.]
Robert: Of course we are.
Cora: Only I know I got so caught up in everything, I think I neglected you, and if I did, I'm sorry.
Robert: Don't apologize to me.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. MRS HUGHES'S SITTING ROOM - EVENING]
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Ethel knocks and enters while Mrs Hughes is having her tea.]
Mrs Hughes: Ethel! Whatever are you doing here at this time of night?
Ethel: I said I'd be back with my answer, and here I am.
Mrs Hughes: You know we're a house in mourning.
Ethel: Yes. And I'm sorry. But if anything, it's made my mind up for me. Life is short and what's my life without Charlie? They're not having him.
Mrs Hughes: (nods) As long as you're sure.
Ethel: They say they can do better for him, but what's better than his mother's love? Fancy me that.
[Mrs Hughes smiles a little.]
Mrs Hughes: I'll write and tell them.
[Ethel smiles a little as she steps toward the door.]
Ethel: You agree with me, though, don't you?
Mrs Hughes: My opinion has no place in this.
[Ethel nods and leaves.]
[SCENE_BREAK]
[EXT/INT. RIPON REGISTER OFFICE - DAY]
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Anna arrives with flowers and takes Mr Bates's arm. On their way inside, they pass a newlywed couple.]
Registrar: "I, John Bates,"
Mr Bates: I, John Bates...
Registrar: "Take thee, Anna Mae Smith,"
Mr Bates: Take thee, Anna Mae Smith...
Registrar: "To be my wedded wife."
Mr Bates: To be my wedded wife.
Registrar: "I, Anna Mae Smith,"
Anna: I, Anna Mae Smith...
Registrar: "Take thee, John Bates..."
Anna: Take thee, John Bates...
Registrar: "To be my wedded husband."
Anna: To be my wedded husband.
Registrar: And now the ring.
[Bates puts the ring on the tip of Anna's finger.]
Registrar: "With this ring, I plight thee my troth"
Mr Bates: With this ring, I plight thee my troth...
Registrar: "As a symbol of all we have promised."
Mr Bates: As a symbol of all we have promised.
Registrar: And all that we share.
Mr Bates: And all that we share.
[Bates slides the ring the rest of the way onto Anna's finger. They beam at each other.]
Registrar: It, therefore, gives me great pleasure to say you are now husband and wife together.
[They kiss.]
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. LIBRARY - DAY]
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Robert writes at his desk. Jane enters.]
Jane: You rang, milord?
Robert: I keep forgetting Carson's ill.
Jane: Mrs Hughes says he's much better.
Robert: I really want Bates, he'd gone out earlier.
Jane: He's in the dressing room. He went up with your evening shirt.
[Robert checks his watch.]
Robert: Golly, is that the time?
[Robert gets up and Jane turns to leave.]
Robert: Actually, can you stay a moment? I was trying to think how to contrive a meeting and here you are. You see--
Jane: I'm glad Lady Grantham's better. Truly. and don't worry, there's no harm done.
Robert: No harm done yet.
Jane: I'm almost packed...and I've given in my notice.
[Robert stares for a moment, then nods. He takes a note from his desk and hands it to her.]
Robert: This is the name and address of my man of business.
Jane: Why? You don't owe me anything.
Robert: It's not for you. It's for Freddy. Let me give him a start in life.
[Jane shakes her head and tries to look anywhere but Robert.]
Jane: I'm not sure.
Robert: It would make me very happy.
Jane: If I thought that, then I'd take it gladly. Will you be happy? Really?
Robert: I have no right to be unhappy, which is almost the same.
Jane: Almost. Not quite. Can I kiss you before I go?
[Robert leans in and kisses her. She starts to cry as they part. She exits and he stares after her.]
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. LADY MARY'S BEDROOM - NIGHT]
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Mary shakes her head.]
Lady Mary: The secret Mrs Bates.
[Anna and Mary smile.]
Anna Bates: We will tell everyone, but I thought we should leave it for a while. At least 'til after the funeral, anyway.
Lady Mary: You'll have to control yourselves.
Anna Bates: Well, we've had enough practice.
[Anna finishes braiding Mary's hair and Mary walks toward the door.]
Lady Mary: Come with me.
[Anna follows Mary down the corridor. Mary looks back at her and smiles.]
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. GUEST BEDROOM - NIGHT]
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Mary shows Anna a guest bedroom with flowers on the bed and candles everywhere. Anna smiles.]
Lady Mary: Smuggle Bates in here when everyone has gone to bed. And for heaven's sake, make sure he gets the right room.
[Anna chuckles.]
Anna Bates: I don't know what to say, milady. Who did all this?
Lady Mary: Jane. I told her. She said it would be her leaving present. You can stay all night. She won't tell.
Anna Bates: Milady, thank you. Very, very much.
[Mary smiles.]
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. MR CARSON'S OFFICE - NIGHT]
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Mr Carson clears his throat as Thomas is closing up the silver cabinet.]
Thomas: Are you sure you should be up, Mr Carson?
Mr Carson: I wanted to check the silver before tomorrow.
Thomas: I think I've cleaned all the pieces we might need. We'll get everything ready the moment breakfast is over.
Mr Carson: Thank you for the way you've kept it all going, Thomas. I wish I knew how to express my gratitude.
Thomas: You'll find a way, Mr Carson.
[Carson holds out his hand and Thomas gives him the silver cabinet keys.]
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. MRS HUGHES'S SITTING ROOM - NIGHT]
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Mrs Hughes gets up from her desk and hands Jane an envelope.]
Mrs Hughes: I think that's everything we owe.
Jane: Thank you, Mrs Hughes.
Mrs Hughes: I'm sorry you're going, Jane. You're a good worker. I wish you well.
Jane: I'm sorry, too, Mrs Hughes. But in the end I think it's for the best. For everyone.
Mrs Hughes: When all is said and done, my dear, you may be right.
[Jane leaves and Mrs Hughes considers the matter for a moment. She totally knows.]
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. HONEYMOON GUEST BEDROOM - NIGHT]
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Mr and Mrs Bates lie naked under the covers, gazing at each other.]
Mr Bates: Well...Mrs Bates...you've had your way with me.
[They giggle.]
Mr Bates: I just hope you don't live to regret it.
Anna Bates: I couldn't regret it. No matter what comes. I know only that I am now who I was meant to be.
Mr Bates: I'm not worthy of you, that's all I know. And they'll call me names for pulling you into my troubles.
[Anna sighs.]
Anna Bates: Mr Bates, we've waited long enough to be together, you and I, and now that we're man and wife, can we let that be enough just for this one night?
[They kiss.]
[SCENE_BREAK]
[EXT. CEMETERY - DAY]
Reverend Travis: Earth to earth, ashes to ashes, dust to dust.
[The minister throws dirt on Lavinia's coffin.]
Reverend Travis: In sure and certain hope of the resurrection to eternal life through our Lord Jesus Christ, who shall change our vile body that may be like unto his glorious body according to the mighty working whereby he is able to subdue all things to himself. Amen.
All: Amen.
Lady Mary: Would you give him a moment?
Sir Richard Carlisle: Of course not, I understand.
[The mourners leave except Matthew. Mary approaches him by Lavinia's grave. Anna Bates, Mrs Hughes, Mr Carson, and Mr Bates walk back to the house.]
Mrs Hughes: We better get moving if we're to be back there before they arrive.
Anna: Mrs Patmore and Thomas will go ahead in the trap. They'll sort it out between them.
Mrs Hughes: Mm, I've no doubt Thomas will have everything sorted out.
[Mrs Hughes gives Carson a significant look.]
Mr Carson: I'm sorry Mrs Hughes, but it's no good thinking that we'll get shot of him now.
Why doesn't that come as a surprise?
[Daisy sees Matthew standing at William's grave as she walks back. He sees her and she goes to him.]
Mr Mason: I've been hoping I might meet you here one day. I expect you come as often as I try to do.
Daisy Mason: It was a funeral...of a lady that was going to marry Mr Crawley.
Mr Mason: I heard about that. There's nothing so wrong as when young folks die.
[Daisy wipes her eyes.]
Mr Mason: Hey, needn't hide your tears from me, love.
[He hands her a handkerchief.]
Mr Mason: It does me good to see how much you loved him. It does.
[Back at Lavinia's grave.]
Lady Mary: You must tell me if there's anything I can do. Anything at all.
Matthew: Thank you, but I don't think so.
[Mary nods and turns to go.]
Matthew: That night when we were dancing and Lavinia came downstairs...she heard. She...she saw...everything.
Lady Mary: How terrible for her. I'm so sorry.
Matthew: Because of what she saw, she thought we should cancel the wedding. That I belonged with you, not with her. She gave up because of us. She said to me when she was dying, "Isn't this better?" I know it's a cliché, but...I believe she died of a broken heart, because of that kiss. And we were the ones who killed her.
Lady Mary: Oh, Matthew.
Matthew: We could never be happy now, don't you see? We are cursed, you and I. And there's nothing to be done about it. Let's be strong, Mary. And let's accept...that this is the end.
Lady Mary: Of course it's the end. How could it not be?
[Carlisle walks up.]
Sir Richard Carlisle: I'm so very sorry about this.
Matthew: Thank you.
Sir Richard Carlisle: Can I walk you up to the house or, er...?
Lady Mary: Certainly you can. I want you to.
[Mary and Carlisle walk arm in arm back to the house, Mary just as upset as Matthew. Robert and Violet visit with Dr Clarkson and Reverend Travis. Robert looks over to see Branson talking to Sybil and goes to them.]
Lady Sybil: It's so sad.
Branson: Yes.
Robert: Why are you here ?
Branson: To pay my respects to Miss Swire, and to see Sybil.
Robert: Lady Sybil.
Lady Sybil: Oh, Papa, what's the point in all that nonsense?
Robert: I suppose you'll go to Dublin now. Isn't that your plan?
Lady Sybil: In a day or two. Mama is well again and I see no reason to delay. Although, I do so wish we could have parted friends.
Robert: What about you? Do you want to "part friends"?
Branson: I do. Although, I don't expect to.
[Branson and Sybil turn to go.]
Robert: All right.
[They stop and turn back around.]
Lady Sybil: What?
Robert: Well, if I can't stop you, I see no profit in a quarrel. You'll have a very different life from the one you might have lived, but if you're sure it's what you want.
[Sybil looks at Branson with a smile.]
Lady Sybil: I am.
Robert: Then you may take my blessing with you, whatever that means.
Lady Sybil: Oh, Papa. It means more than anything!
[She hugs him with delight.]
Lady Sybil: More than anything!
Robert: If you mistreat her, I will personally have you torn to pieces by wild dogs.
Branson: I'd expect no less.
Lady Sybil: Will you come over for the wedding?
Robert: We'll see. We'll talk about that later. And there'll be some money. But not much.
[Sybil smiles and kisses him on the cheek. Sybil and Branson walk off hand in hand. Violet approaches Robert and they follow.]
Violet: So, you've given in?
Robert: She would've gone anyway.
[Violet makes a noise at that.]
Robert: And perhaps we should let Lavinia's last gift to us be a reminder of what really matters. Of course, you'll think that's soft.
Violet: Well, not at all. The aristocracy has not survived by its intransigence. Oh, no, no, we must work with what we've got to minimize the scandal.
Robert: But what have we got to work with?
Violet: Well, you'd be surprised. He's political, isn't he? And a writer. Well, I could make something out of that. And there's a family called Branson with a place not far from Cork. I believe they have a connection with the Howards. Well, surely, we can hitch him onto them.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. SERVANTS' CORRIDOR - DAY]
[SCENE_BREAK]
[The servants arrive home from the funeral. Mrs Patmore comes out of the kitchen when she sees them.]
Mrs Patmore: Mr Bates.
Mr Bates: Are you all right, Mrs Patmore?
Mrs Patmore: I'm all right. There are two men waiting for you in the servants' hall.
[Mrs Patmore looks worried. Bates and Anna walk to the servants' hall. Mrs Hughes and Carson see the men and turn back to watch Mr Bates enter.]
Mr Bates: Are you looking for me?
Policeman: John Bates?
Mr Bates: Yes.
Policeman: You are under arrest on the charge of wilful murder. You are not obliged to say anything unless you desire to do so. Whatever you say will be taken down in writing and may be given in evidence against you upon your trial.
Mr Bates: I understand.
[The other policeman takes Bates's wrist.]
Anna Bates: No. No--
Mr Bates: Please...do whatever is required.
[The policeman cuffs Bates.]
Mr Bates: I love you.
Mrs Bates: And I love you. For richer, for poorer, for better, for worse.
[Anna kisses him.]
Policeman: Come along, sir.
[They lead Bates down the corridor, past all of the servants. Anna Bates stands in the servants hall watching after them, lip trembling.] | Plan: A: April 1919; Q: When was Lavinia's death? A: Preparations; Q: What is under way for Matthew and Lavinia's wedding? A: Matthew; Q: Who tells Mary that any relationship between them is now impossible? A: Lavinia; Q: Who dies from the flu? A: the Spanish flu; Q: What illness took Lady Grantham, Carson, and Lavinia ill? A: Ethel; Q: Who is surprised when Major Bryant's parents want to see her? A: Mr Bryant; Q: Who offers to take custody of the baby? A: Lord Grantham; Q: Who gives his blessing for Lady Sybil and Thomas Branson to marry? A: an encounter; Q: What did Lord Grantham and Jane have? A: Anna; Q: Who did Bates marry in secret? A: Bates; Q: Who is arrested for the murder of his wife? A: Cora; Q: Who becomes seriously ill? A: his late wife; Q: Who is Bates arrested for murdering? Summary: April 1919. Preparations are under way for Matthew and Lavinia's wedding. Lady Grantham, Carson, and Lavinia are taken ill by the Spanish flu . Matthew and Mary acknowledge that they cannot marry as it would be cruel to Lavinia. Lavinia overhears them and sees them kiss. Ethel is surprised when Major Bryant's parents want to see her but is horrified when she learns that Mr Bryant offers to take custody of the baby and tells her that she will not be allowed to see him. Lord Grantham and Jane have an encounter but are interrupted and Jane decides to leave. Anna and Bates marry in secret. Cora becomes seriously ill. Lavinia succumbs to the flu and dies. Matthew tells Mary that any relationship between them is now impossible. Lord Grantham reluctantly gives his blessing for Lady Sybil and Thomas Branson to marry. Bates is arrested for the murder of his late wife. |
[Scene: A Restaurant, Phoebe, Rachel, and Monica are having brunch.]
Monica: Okay, the reason why I asked you guys out to brunch today is because I have been doing some thinking about who should be my maid of honor.
Rachel: Oh my God! This is it! (She and Phoebe hold hands.) (To Phoebe) I really hope it's you!
Phoebe: I hope it's you.
Rachel: Me too!
Monica: First of all um, I love you both so much and you're both so important to me...
Rachel: Okay, bla-bla-bla-bla!! Who is it?!
Monica: Well umm, I was thinking that maybe we could come up with a system where we trade off being maid of honor for each other. Like hypothetically, if Phoebe were mine...
Phoebe: Yes!!! Oh!!
Rachel: Hypothetically!
Phoebe: Still.
Monica: If Phoebe were my maid of honor...
Rachel: Uh-hmm.
Monica: Rachel would be Phoebe's, I would be Rachel's, that way we all get to do it once and no one would get upset.
Rachel: Yeah that's actually a pretty good idea.
Phoebe: Yeah, I'll do that. So who gets to be yours?
Monica: (laughs) Well that's the best part. Umm, you guys get to decide!
Phoebe: Wh-why is that the best part?
Monica: Because then I don't have to!
Rachel: Well of course we will help you decide! We will do anything we can to help you! Now, I would like to make a toast, to the future Mrs. Chandler Bing (A woman at the table behind them overhears Chandler's name and starts listening closer), my best friend, and truly one of the nicest people that...
Monica: I'm really not deciding!
Rachel: Fine!
(The woman gets up and walks over to their table.)
Woman: Excuse me, I-I couldn't help overhearing, you're marrying Chandler Bing?
Monica: Yeah that's right.
Woman: (sarcastically) Huh, good luck!
Phoebe: Aww, and good luck to you too! (To Monica and Rachel) What a nice lady!
Opening Credits
[Scene: Ross's apartment, Chandler, Joey, and Ross are finishing watching Die Hard on video.]
Chandler: Die Hard still great!
Joey: Yep. Hey, what do you say we make it a double feature?
Chandler: What'd you rent?
Joey: Die Hard 2.
Chandler: (looking at the tape) Joey, this is Die Hard 1 again.
Joey: Oh, well we watch it a second time and its Die Hard 2!
Ross: Joey, we just saw it!
Joey: And?
Ross: And it'll be cool to see it again! Yeah!
Joey and Ross: Die Hard!!!!!!
Ross: Dude, you didn't say Die Hard. Is everything okay?
Chandler: Yeah, I just got uh, got plans.
Ross: Well, John McClane had plans!
Chandler: No, see the thing is I want to get out of here before Joey gets all worked up and starts calling everybody bitch.
Joey: What are you talking about? Bitch.
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is bringing Rachel some coffee.]
Phoebe: Hey Rachel?
Rachel: Yeah?
Phoebe: Umm, when I get married will you be my maid of honor?
Rachel: Really?!
Phoebe: Uh-hmm.
Rachel: Oh my God Phoebe! I mean I'm just-Wait a minute. If I'm your maid of honor that means you are Monica's.
Phoebe: Oh! Well, if that's what you want...
Rachel: Ohh! No way Phoebe! I want to be Monica's!
Phoebe: But why does it even matter?!
Rachel: Why does it matter so much to you?!
Phoebe: Because this one is now! And-and it's two of our best friends! Who knows what you're gonna marry!
Rachel: What-what if I marry Ross-Or Joey?
Phoebe: (gasps) You wouldn't! Okay look, Rachel I know you really want to do this, but I-I've never been maid of honor to anyone before! And I know you've done it at least twice!
Rachel: Yeah but Phoebe...
Phoebe: And no, oh please, oh please let me finish. (Rachel stops talking.) Oh I guess that was it.
Rachel: Okay. Okay. It's-since you've never done it before you can be Monica's maid of honor.
Phoebe: Oh, thank you so much! (They hug.) Okay.
Rachel: I'm gonna marry someone good y'know.
Phoebe: Oh I know.
Rachel: Better than Chandler. (Phoebe exhales as if to say, "Like what isn't?")
[Scene: Ross's apartment, Die Hard has ended, only I don't think Joey and Ross know that yet. As you see, they are both asleep. And they're on the same couch. Which means they're sleeping together. Not like Joey is at one end and Ross is on the other, they both happen to be lying down and sleeping together. Well, there hasn't been any clothes removed so not that kind of sleeping together. Not that there's anything wrong with that. That is unless you're a Republican in which case that kind of thing will bring about the downfall of Western society, especially if they should happen to want to get married. Anyway, let me recap. No, there is too much, let me sum up. Ross and Joey are taking a nap together on top of each other and both wake-up at the same time, realize what they just did, scream, and jump up.]
Ross: What happened?!!
Joey: Well, I don't know!!
Ross: We fell asleep! That is all.
Joey: Yeah. Yep. Yeah. All right, well uh, I'd better go.
Ross: I think that would be best.
Joey: Yeah. All right, I'll talk to you later.
Ross: Okay. But not about this!
Joey: No! Never! Never! (Pause, then Joey wants to shake Ross's hand.) Bye.
Ross: No touch! No touch!
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica has just gotten back from brunch and is telling Chandler about it.]
Monica: Yeah hey, a weird thing happened today when I was at brunch. This woman overheard that I was marrying you and-and then she...she wished me good luck.
Chandler: That's sweet.
Monica: No, it's more like a (sarcastically) good luck.
Chandler: So uh, what did this woman look like?
Monica: She was like 30, dark hair, attractive.
Chandler: Well, is there any chance you were looking into a bright, shiny thing called a mirror?
Monica: Come on, was it somebody maybe you dated in college?
Chandler: No, no I only dated two girls in college, both blonde, both not attractive... (Thinks a little while.) Hold on one second; let me check this out. (He gets up and grabs a photo album.
Monica: What are you doing?
Chandler: Well, let's see... (Finding the picture he wants.) Okay uh, is that her? (Pointing to the picture.)
Monica: Oh my God yes! Who is she?
Chandler: Julie Grath, my camp girlfriend.
Monica: Did you break up with her?
Chandler: (pause) No, we're still together. Yeah we went out for two summers, and then I broke up with her.
Monica: Why?
Chandler: Well, 'cause she came back the third summer and she'd gotten really fa-aa-aw-ow...
Monica: Fat?!
Chandler: I did not say fat! I said, "Fa-aa-aw-ow..."
Monica: You broke up with a girl because she was fat?!
Chandler: Yeah. Yeah, but it was a really, really long time ago! Does she still feel bad?
Monica: Well, apparently she does.
Chandler: Well, you know what they say, elephants never forget. (Monica is not amused by that statement.) Seriously, good luck marrying me.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is entering, Rachel and Phoebe are already there.]
Joey: Hey! What's going on?
Rachel: Phoebe is gonna be Monica's maid of honor!
Joey: Hey! Well I hope it goes better than the last time you did it for that girl downstairs, remember? (Phoebe glares at him.)
Rachel: (shocked) You have been maid of honor before?!!
Phoebe: See? This is exactly why you shouldn't lie!
Rachel: All right that's it! I am maid of honor!
Phoebe: Na-uh, I am!
Rachel: How come you are?!
Phoebe: Because I cared enough to lie!
Joey: Hey-hey-hey-hey, I can help you decide who should do it! Yeah, we could have like uh, like an audition and see how you'd handle maid of honor type situations.
Phoebe: What are you talking about?
Joey: Like when I want a job, I go to an audition and if I'm the best of the people they see, they give me the part.
Phoebe: Okay, so after this audition, who decides who gets it?
Joey: Oh uh, me and Ross can be the judges.
Phoebe: (To Rachel) Well, it's better than us deciding.
Rachel: Oh, come on! This is crazy! Can't we just flip a coin?!
Phoebe: No! Coins hate me!
Rachel: Okay. Okay fine, y'know what? We will let Ross and Joey decide. (Ross enters.) (In a sexy voice.) Hiiiii, Ross! Sweetie.
Phoebe: Hey there, you handsome thing. (Rachel and Phoebe exit.)
Ross: Wow, this cologne really is every bit as good as Georgio.
Joey: Hi.
Ross: Just uh, brought back your videos.
Joey: Uh hey look uh Ross, look I think we need to talk about before.
Ross: No! No we don't!
Joey: Yes we do! Now look, that was the best nap I ever had!!
Ross: I... I don't know what you are talking about.
Joey: Come on! Admit it! That was the best nap you ever had!
Ross: I've had better.
Joey: Okay! When?!
Ross: All right! All right! It was the best nap ever!
Joey: Uh-huh!
Ross: I've said it! Okay?! But it's over Joey!
Joey: I want to do it again.
Ross: We can't do it again.
Joey: Why not?
Ross: Because it's weird!
Joey: Fine! Do you want something to drink?
Ross: Sure, what do you got?
Joey: Warm milk and Excedrin P.M. (Ross just leaves.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica is approaching the bathroom door behind which Chandler is using the facility.]
Monica: Chandler! (Knocks on the door.) Chandler! I just figured out who you are!
Chandler: Can you figure out what I'm doing?
Monica: You're Lewis Posin.
Chandler: Who?
Monica: Lewis Posin! He was my best friend in fifth grade, and-and then one day I asked him to be my boyfriend and he said no. Do you know why?
Chandler: Because you kept talking to him while he was trying to go to the bathroom?!
Monica: No! But because he thought I was too faaaaa.... (Chandler emerges, without flushing by the way.) And every time I think about it, it makes me feel as bad as I did in fifth grade! Y'know, I-I really think that you should apologize to Julie.
Chandler: What? Are you kidding? That was like 16 years ago.
Monica: No, I know. But y'know what? It would make me feel better if Lewis apologized to me.
Chandler: Okay, I will do it. But I have to warn you; this may make me a better person and that is not the man you fell in love with!
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey and Ross are laying out the ground rules for the maid of honor auditions to Rachel and Phoebe.]
Joey: Okay, all right, this is how it's going to work. We're gonna give you hypothetical maid of honor situations and you will be scored on a scale of 1 to 10, 1 being the highest.
Ross: No, 10 is the highest.
Joey: Why is 10 the highest?
Ross: Because it's the highest. (Joey shrugs his shoulders) Okay, Rachel you're up first. (Rachel stands up and gets ready.) Situation No. 1: You're with Monica, the wedding is about to start when Monica gets cold feet. Go! (Joey is playing the part of Monica.)
Joey: (crying) I don't want to marry Chandler!
Rachel: Okay, uh...
Joey: I've got cold feet.
Rachel: ...it's gonna be okay!
Joey: No, one man for the rest of my life? I don't know if I can do it! This means I'll never get to sleep with Joey!
Rachel: Look Monica, getting cold feet is very common. Y'know, it's-it's just because of all the anticipation and you just have to remember that you love Chandler. And also, I ran out on a wedding. You don't get to keep the gifts.
Joey: (out of his Monica character) Very good! Drawing on your own experience, I like that!
Rachel: Thanks!
Ross: Yes, very nice Rachel.
Rachel: Thank you judges.
Phoebe: Ugh, what a kiss ass.
Rachel: Oh!
Joey: Okay, Phoebe...
Phoebe: Yes! Your honor?
Joey: We're now in the ceremony, Monica is about to say, "I do" when her drunk uncle starts yelling. What do you do? Go!
Ross: (playing the drunk uncle) When Monica was a little girl, I remember that-(Phoebe screams and tackles him)-Ooh!! Ow! Very good!
Phoebe: Oh!
Joey: Yes! Excellent! Perfect score!
Rachel: Wait a minute! She just made a scene in the middle of the ceremony!
Phoebe: Hey! Do you want, do you want a little taste of Pheebs?!
Ross: It is time for you to give your maid of honor speech.
Rachel: Ohh, wait a minute, we haven't pre...
Ross: Go!
Rachel: Okay! Okay! Umm, Webster's Dictionary defines marriage as... (Ross and Joey start writing.) Okay!! Forget that! That sucks!! Okay, never mind! Forget it! Umm, umm, okay, uh... I met, I-I met, I met Monica when we were just a couple of six-year-olds and I became friends with Chandler when he was 25, although he seemed like a six-year-old.
Ross and Joey: Oh! That's nice.
Rachel: Thank you. Thank you very much. Umm, I've known them separately and I've known them together and-and to know them as a couple is to know that you are truly in the presence of love. So I would like to raise my glass (Grabs a glass and holds it up) to Monica and Chandler and the beautiful adventure they are about to embark upon together. I can think of no two people better prepared for the journey.
Joey: Wow. (To Ross) Good speech.
Ross: Yeah, it really was!
Rachel: Aw, thanks!
Ross: Okay Phoebe, I guess you're next (To Joey) although I really don't see the point.
Joey: Yeah.
Phoebe: Okay, I can't believe that Monica and Chandler are getting married. I remember talking about this today with Rachel while we were showering together, naked. (Raises her glass and drinks.)
(Joey and Ross pause while they picture the event.)
Joey: And she's back in the game.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Scene: A random apartment building, Chandler and Monica are knocking on the door of the woman from the beginning.]
Chandler: (she opens the door) Julie hi! Chandler Bing, I, I guess you remember me.
Julie: Hello Skidmark.
Chandler: (To Monica) It's a nickname, I'll explain later.
Monica: It's pretty clear.
Chandler: Ah, uh, I owe you a long overdue apology. I never should have broken up with you because you were overweight.
Julie: That's why you broke up with me?
Chandler: You-you-you didn't know that. (Pause as she nods no.) Well, I guess my work here is done!
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey and Ross are giving Phoebe and Rachel the results of their election. Somewhat faster than Florida I might add.]
Joey: All right, well first of all I would like to say that you both performed very well. Okay? You should be proud of yourselves. And-and I would also like to say that in this competition there are no losers. Well, except for Rachel-Damnit!
Phoebe: Really?! I won!
Rachel: What?!
Ross: I'm sorry Rach, it was, it was really close.
Rachel: Well then I demand a recount! (Hmm, I wonder where I've heard that before.)
Ross: Actually, it wasn't that close.
Rachel: No! Y'know what? No! No! You thing was so stupid anyway, this was ridiculous-We're gonna flip a coin! (Phoebe gasps.) All right?! (She flips the coin.) Heads! (Looks at the coin and grunts in disgust.)
Phoebe: The coins have finally forgiven me!
Rachel: Well y'know what? I hope Monica forgives you after you throw her her vegetarian, voodoo, goddess circley shower! (Runs out.)
Phoebe: (running after her) Rach, it's gonna be okay! (To Ross and Joey) You guys are the best!
Joey: Boy I tell ya, that judging stuff took a lot out of me.
Ross: Yeah?
Joey: Yeah! I was thinking about maybe going upstairs and taking a little nap on my couch. (Raises his eyebrows, questioning Ross to see if he wants to join him.)
Ross: Why-why would I care about that?
Joey: No reason, I'm just saying that uh... That's where I'll be.
(Joey gets up and heads for the door. After a pause Ross decides to join him.)
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Chandler and Monica have returned from Julie's.]
Chandler: As bad as that went, I actually enjoyed myself. I think that I'm going to apologize for all of the stupid things I do.
Monica: Why don't you just stop doing stupid things? Then you wouldn't have to apologize.
Chandler: I would really love it if I could do both.
Monica: All right, I...I have to ask.
Chandler: What?
Monica: Are you gonna break up with me if I get fat again?
Chandler: What?!
Monica: Well, you broke up with Julie Grath! How much weight could she have gained?
Chandler: A hundred and forty-five pounds.
Monica: In one year?! My God what did she eat? Her-her family! That's not the point.
Chandler: Look I know it was a stupid reason to break up with somebody, but I was 15!
Monica: Well... That's not the only time this was an issue. You remember when umm, you spent Thanksgiving with us? You called me fat.
Chandler: Okay. Okay, now wait a minute that was totally different.
Monica: How?
Chandler: You were not supposed to hear that! I said that behind you back!
Monica: What if I have babies, okay? I mean I'm gonna look different. I'm okay with that, but I'm not sure that you are!
Chandler: Look you have to realize I don't think of you as a thin, beautiful woman. (Monica glares at him.) See this is one of things that I can apologize for later! Look, what I mean is you're Monica! Okay? And I am in love with Monica.
Monica: Keep going.
Chandler: So you can balloon up or you can shrink down and I will still love you.
Monica: Even if I shrink down to two inches tall?
Chandler: I'd carry you around in my pocket.
Monica: I love you. (They hug and kiss.)
Chandler: Skidmark's still got a way with the ladies.
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is there as Rachel enters carrying a shopping bag.]
Rachel: Hi Pheebs.
Phoebe: Hi!
Rachel: Hi! I just want to apologize. I'm really sorry I was a baby.
Phoebe: That's ridiculous Rachel, we were all babies once. (Rachel looks at her.) Oh, you mean today.
Rachel: Yeah. Yeah, and y'know you-you deserve to win. And-and y'know I was thinking about it, if-if you're Monica's maid of honor that means I get to be yours.
Phoebe: Oh yeah!
Rachel: Yeah! Oh, umm when-when Monica and Chandler got engaged I started putting some stuff together, y'know just in case...
Phoebe: Oh that's so sweet thanks.
Rachel: Here is a book of poetry that I know Monica loves. And-and ohh God this is funny, look, this is a picture of one Halloween where she dressed up as a bride. (Shows Phoebe the picture.) And look, she made me carry her train, which was weird because I was Wonder Woman. Oh and here's a little purse that I found. (Hands her the purse) Y'know I just thought that maybe they could hold the rings in there.
Phoebe: Ohh.
Rachel: And umm, vintage handkerchiefs y'know 'cause, people cry at weddings. (Starting to cry.) I'm just gonna grab a couple of these.
Phoebe: This stuff is great!
Rachel: Oh, I forgot this was in here. Umm, this was the uh garter that I was saving for my wedding and I wanted it to be Monica's something borrowed and it's blue. (Starts to cry again.) Yeah...
Phoebe: Y'know Rach, I think that, I think you should be Monica's maid of honor.
Rachel: You do? Why?
Phoebe: Because I think it means more to you.
Rachel: But Pheebs, y'know you earned it.
Phoebe: It's fine. I mean, this is something that you've been thinking about since you were what, 14? (She's referring to the Halloween picture.)
Rachel: No, I was ten. I just developed early.
Phoebe: (looking at the picture again) Man alive!
Monica: (entering) Hey, what's going on?
Rachel: Hey!
Phoebe: Well, we just decided that Rachel is gonna be your maid of honor.
Monica: (gasps) Ohh, wow! That's great! (Rachel and Monica hug.) Oh wow! We really have to start planning! I have, I have a lot of really specific ideas! We should probably get together like four times per week. You can come over to my place; we'll get together before work! What do you say, 6:30, my place? I'm so excited! (Runs out leaving Rachel completely stunned and Phoebe laughing.)
Rachel: Yeah okay, you laugh now, but she's gonna be yours. (Phoebe gets suddenly scared.)
Ending Credits
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey and Ross are napping together again and both wake up at the same time.]
Joey: Great nap.
Ross: It really was.
(Suddenly Rachel clears her throat and the camera cuts to the rest of the gang staring at them. Needless to say Joey and Ross are shocked and slowly turn their heads to see the gang.)
Joey: (reacting first by jumping up) Dude! What the hell are you doing?! God! (Heads for his room leaving Ross.)
Ross: (slowly stands up and says quietly) Excuse me. (Exits.) | Plan: A: Joey; Q: Who and Ross accidentally take a nap together? A: Rachel; Q: Who is Monica's maid of honor? A: Meanwhile, Chandler's breakup; Q: What event causes Monica to doubt Chandler's commitment to her? A: Chandler; Q: Who broke up with a past girlfriend? A: their relationship; Q: What does Monica doubt Chandler is committed to? Summary: Joey and Ross accidentally take a nap together and, much to their dismay, find that they like it. Phoebe and Rachel compete to be Monica's maid of honor. Meanwhile, Chandler's breakup with a past girlfriend because she was overweight places Monica in doubt about him being committed to their relationship. |
5:50pm - 6:15pm
[SCENE_BREAK]
1: EXT. PLAIN
(A dry, dusty and sunlit plain; a warrior dressed in ancient armour runs in from the distance. He is called out to by another warrior...)
HECTOR: Achilles!
(This warrior is the larger of the two and wears studded leather armour and wields a huge sword; his helmet is in the shape of a plumed horse's head. He draws his sword. The other man, ACHILLES, is less strong but fleet of foot, and goads his pursuer...)
ACHILLES: Over here, stable keeper! Barbarian horse worshipper!
HECTOR: (Sneering.) Out of breath so soon, my light-foot princeling? Your friend Patrocolus fled me further, and made better sport!
ACHILLES: (Angrily.) Murderer! Patrocolus was a boy.
HECTOR: A boy? Well he died like a dog, whimpering after his master Achilles! Ha! Let me send you to him where he waits in Hades. Let me throw the dog a bone or two!
(ACHILLES is goaded and they have a clash of swords but HECTOR is easily able to parry his opponent's thrust and the Greek jumps back.)
HECTOR: What? So anxious to be gone? I would not keep you for the world!
ACHILLES: Your bones would be the meatier, Trojan - though meat a trifle rough at that. Well all's one - they will whiten well enough in the sun!
(Enraged, ACHILLES attacks again but the Greek realises that the muscle-bound ape in front of him has a small advantage in a straight fight. He turns and runs out of reach again. HECTOR calls after him as he tries to keep up.)
HECTOR: Run, Achilles! Run! Run a little more, before you die!
(The two running figures are tiny specks in the vast plain.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
2: INT. TARDIS. CONSOLE ROOM
(Inside the TARDIS, the DOCTOR, STEVEN and VICKI observes the "fight" on the scanner.)
VICKI: What sort of people are they, Doctor?
DOCTOR: Oh, I'm not sure, my child. You'll notice they're wearing Grecian costumes.
VICKI: They don't seem to have noticed us.
(The continuing insults of the two warriors are heard in the control room from the scanner as its occupants speak...)
STEVEN: That's hardly surprising in the circumstances. Why do you suppose they fight?
(The scanner shows the fight resuming, as HECTOR and ACHILLES continue hurling insults at each other.)
DOCTOR: I haven't the remotest idea, my boy. No doubt their reasons will be entirely adequate. Yes, I think I...perhaps I'd better go and ask them where we are.
VICKI: Doctor, be careful! They look terribly fierce.
DOCTOR: Oh, what nonsense! If you take notice of them, I think they're doing more talking than they are fighting. I think I'd better go and ask them where we are.
VICKI: Doctor, you can't! You know if you go out there by yourself you'll g...
DOCTOR: (Interrupting.) Now you stay here, my dear, and look after that ankle.
STEVEN: Wouldn't it be better if I went?
DOCTOR: Not at all, young man. You stay here and keep an eye on Vicki. Besides, I don't think your present humour is fitting for the occasion. You know, I don't think they'd appreciate your kind of sarcasm.
(He laughs as STEVEN shows indignation...)
[SCENE_BREAK]
3: EXT. PLAIN
(Outside the partially concealed TARDIS, the two warriors have not noticed the strange object. The weak ACHILLES is exhausted.)
ACHILLES: The gods of my people, Hector, are not lightly mocked. They are terrible! And Troy itself is doomed to fall at their bidding...even as you are. You cannot stand against them.
HECTOR: (Mocking.) You pretend that old Father Zeus will descend to Earth and take Troy for you. I guarantee to trim his beard for him if he dare attempt it!
(At this moment, an ominous roll of thunder is heard in the clear, cloudless sky.)
ACHILLES: Beware - the voice of Zeus, Hector! Beware the anger of Olympus!
HECTOR: Who am I to fear the thunder, you superstitious, dark-dodging decadent!
(He calls up to the skies...)
HECTOR: Hear me, Zeus! Accept from me the promised light of your cringing servant Achilles! Or else, I challenge you - descend to Earth and save him!
(HECTOR lunges at ACHILLES but, by a curious quirk of timing, another thunderclap reverberates through the plain. This time, the warriors' attention is attracted to the TARDIS when the DOCTOR walks out of the ship. The fighters are dumbstruck as HECTOR falls to his knees in amazement.)
HECTOR: Zeus! Forgive me.
(ACHILLES is first to react; while HECTOR stares aghast at the new arrival, the Greek seizes the initiative and runs him through with his sword. HECTOR takes this turn of events as a certain sign of the DOCTOR'S identity as he slumps to the ground.)
DOCTOR: Stop! You must not kick a man when he is down...
(The DOCTOR realises the full extent of HECTOR'S sorry state.)
DOCTOR: You have killed this poor fellow!
(ACHILLES kneels before the DOCTOR.)
ACHILLES: Oh, but in your name.
DOCTOR: In my name, indeed! Get up! Get up, I tell you!
(The DOCTOR looks at HECTOR'S body.)
DOCTOR: This is terrible.
ACHILLES: If Zeus bids me to rise...
(He stands up.)
DOCTOR: What is this? What is it you take me for?
ACHILLES: The father of the gods and ruler of the world.
DOCTOR: What! Do you really? And who might you be, may I ask?
ACHILLES: Achilles. Mightiest of warriors, greatest in battle, humblest of your servants.
DOCTOR: Well, if I may say so, you're not very humble, are you, eh? Yes, I...I think I know you, yes. And this, er, this friend of yours must be, er...
ACHILLES: Hector. Prince of Troy. Sent to Hades for blasphemy against the gods of Greece.
DOCTOR: Blasphemy? I'm sure he didn't mean it.
ACHILLES: He threatened to trim your beard should you descend to Earth!
DOCTOR: Oh, did he now? Well, if you notice, I have no beard!
ACHILLES: If you had appeared to me in your true form, I would have been truly blinded by your radiance. It is well known that when you come amongst us you adopt many different forms.
DOCTOR: (Flattered.) Oh, do I? (Laughs.)
ACHILLES: To Europa, you appeared as a bull. To Leda, as a swan. To me... in the guise of an old beggar.
(The smile disappears from the DOCTOR'S face.)
DOCTOR: I beg your pardon! I do nothing of the kind!
ACHILLES: (Quickly.) Oh, but still your glory shines through!
DOCTOR: (Mollified.) Oh, indeed. Indeed so, yes, so I should hope. Yes, well thank you, I'm glad to meet you. Now, if you will excuse me, I must get back to my temple. Attend to his funeral.
(The DOCTOR turns towards the TARDIS, but ACHILLES, showing uncharacteristic bravery, leaps to block his way.)
ACHILLES: Oh stop! You must not go!
DOCTOR: Do you realise whom you are addressing?
(ACHILLES kneels.)
ACHILLES: Forgive me, father Zeus, I... I spoke hastily.
DOCTOR: Then do not hinder me, or I will strike you with a thunderbolt!
ACHILLES: I must brave even the wrath of Zeus, and implore you to remain.
DOCTOR: Well, I don't see why I should. I have many other commitments, you must understand...
ACHILLES: And one of them lies here. In the camp of Agamemnon, our general.
(The DOCTOR is not impressed and still tries to leave.)
ACHILLES: Oh, hear me out, I pray! For ten long years now we have laid siege to Troy, and still they defy us. Come!
(He leads a reluctant DOCTOR a short distance away in the direction of the city.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
4: INT. TARDIS. CONSOLE ROOM
(STEVEN and VICKI watch on the scanner as they go.)
STEVEN: And where's he off to now? It's a fine time to go looking at the view!
VICKI: After all, that's why he went out there, to find out where we are. Anyway, that man looks quite friendly now. He's probably showing him the way to the nearest town.
STEVEN: Hmm, I wonder...
(He looks at his clothing.)
STEVEN: I think I'd better try and find some more suitable clothes.
(He moves towards the TARDIS inner section.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
5: EXT. PLAIN OF TROY
(The high and imposing walls of the city of Troy sit in the distance. ACHILLES points to it.)
ACHILLES: (Sadly.) There they sit, secure behind their walls, whilst we rot in their summers and starve in their crack-bone winters.
(As he talks, a rough-looking thick-bearded character, looking every inch the perfect pirate, appears from the opposite direction. He is ODYSSEUS, king of Ithaca, and he is accompanied by a group of bandit-like soldiers. ACHILLES looks a touch displeased at their arrival. The newcomer greets them with a booming voice.)
ODYSSEUS: What's this, Achilles? So far from camp, all unprotected from a prisoner?
ACHILLES: Odysseus, this is no prisoner.
DOCTOR: Certainly not.
ODYSSEUS: Not yet a prisoner? You should have called for assistance, lad. We would not like to lose you. Come, let us escort you homewards! Night might fall and find thee from thy tent!
DOCTOR: (To ACHILLES.) I wouldn't stand for that if I were you!
ODYSSEUS: Are, but then, old fellow, you are not the Lord Achilles. He is not the one to look for trouble, are you, boy?
ACHILLES: Have a care, pirate! Are there no Trojan throats to slit, that you dare tempt my sword?
ODYSSEUS: Throats enough, I grant you. Some half score Trojans will not whistle easy tonight - but what of you?
(ACHILLES replies in a casual tone.)
ACHILLES: Oh, but a trifle. I met Prince Hector. Here he lies.
(He points to the nearby body.)
ODYSSEUS: Zeus!
ACHILLES: ...Was instrumental.
ODYSSEUS: No doubt, no doubt. But what a year is this for plague; even the strongest might fall! Prince Hector, huh, that he should come to this. You met him here, you say, as he lay dying?
ACHILLES: I met him, Odysseus, in single combat.
DOCTOR: Oh yes, it's true!
ODYSSEUS: And raced him round the walls till down he fell exhausted! A famous victory!
ACHILLES: I met him face to face, I say! Battled with him for an hour or more, until my greater strength overcame him.
(The DOCTOR laughs.)
ODYSSEUS: Bravo. But tell me, Lightfoot, what of Zeus? You say he intervened, and then...?
(ACHILLES points dramatically at the DOCTOR.)
ACHILLES: Why, there he stands! And listens to your mockery.
DOCTOR: Oh yes, I find it most interesting.
(ACHILLES doesn't get the reaction he was hoping for - ODYSSEUS laughs uproariously.)
ODYSSEUS: What! This old man, this threadbare grey pate? Oh come, Achilles!
ACHILLES: (To the DOCTOR.) Oh, forgive him, father Zeus! He is but a rough and simple sailor.
ODYSSEUS: Aye, very rough, but scarce as simple as you seem to think.
(He looks at the TARDIS.)
ODYSSEUS: What have we here?
(He goes and looks at the strange contraption.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
6: INT. TARDIS. CONSOLE ROOM
(VICKI watches with worry as ODYSSEUS'S leering face dominates the scanner screen.)
VICKI: Steven, he's coming in!
(STEVEN returns to the Control Room, dressed in suitably Greek cape.)
STEVEN: No, the Doctor will stop him. I must go out and help.
(He makes for the doors.)
VICKI: No, don't!... Just a minute...
(She hands him a spanner.)
VICKI: Here. Take this, and wait behind the door, hm?
[SCENE_BREAK]
7: EXT. PLAIN OF TROY
(ODYSSEUS mocks the DOCTOR, the TARDIS, and anything else in sight.)
ODYSSEUS: The temple of Zeus, you say? (He laughs.) A trifle modest, is it not, for so powerful a god!
DOCTOR: This is my travelling temple. Being small, it's convenient.
(ODYSSEUS laughs again and makes for the door, which is still ajar. ACHILLES blocks his way.)
ACHILLES: You shall not enter.
DOCTOR: Certainly not! In any case, I must be off.
ACHILLES: Oh, then will you not stay with us?
DOCTOR: No, I, er...
ODYSSEUS: What! You will to the Grecian camp. If indeed you be Zeus, we have need of your assistance.
(He turns to the Greeks, who are more convinced by ACHILLES' story and are staying a safe distance away.)
ODYSSEUS: Now do not cower there, lads! Zeus is on our side, so Agamemnon keeps insisting. Bear him up, and let us carry him in triumph to the camp!
DOCTOR: I am quite capable of walking!
ACHILLES: Odysseus, I claim the honour to escort him. Let him walk to camp with me.
ODYSSEUS: You shall have honour enough. And maybe we shall have a little of the truth. (To the DOCTOR, insincerely.) Father Zeus, we await you! We crave the pleasure of your company at supper, and perhaps a tale or two of Aphrodite, eh?
DOCTOR: I refuse to enter into any kind of vulgar bawdry.
ODYSSEUS: Then you shall tell us why...we find you lurking near our lines. That should prove equally entertaining. Take him, lads! The two of you there, take up this carrion!
(Two of the Greeks grab hold of HECTOR'S body as the rest make for the DOCTOR.)
DOCTOR: Have a care, do not touch me!
(The Greeks ignore him and grab him, hoisting him on their shoulders. ODYSSEUS laughs again.)
ACHILLES: You will pay for this, Odysseus.
ODYSSEUS: Ha, will I? We shall see. This much must we do for the Lord Achilles, lest none believe his story!
(He sets off laughing with the Greeks, who bear the DOCTOR between them. ACHILLES stares after them.)
ACHILLES: You will not laugh so loud, I think, when Agamemnon hears of this.
[SCENE_BREAK]
8: INT. TARDIS. CONSOLE ROOM
(STEVEN and VICKI watch the DOCTOR and his new companions disappear from view.)
STEVEN: I am going after him. I'm sure he's been taken prisoner.
VICKI: Oh, come on, the big man was laughing!
STEVEN: It didn't look as though the Doctor made a joke.
VICKI: Anyway, we don't even know where we are.
STEVEN: Well, the Doctor said they were Greeks - we're probably in Greece.
VICKI: Oh, but that would be wonderful, wouldn't it? We might meet the heroes, we might...
STEVEN: Those men who carried off the Doctor wouldn't be heroes, or anything like them. That's why I've got to go and get him.
VICKI: Well I'm coming with you.
STEVEN: And how far do you think you can get on that ankle?
VICKI: It's not so bad now, I... I'll manage!
STEVEN: No, you stay here. Rest your ankle, watch the scanners, you'll be perfectly safe - when you see the Doctor and me coming, open the doors - but not otherwise!
VICKI: But Steven...
STEVEN: No!
VICKI: We mustn't...
STEVEN: (Interrupting.) I haven't got time to argue. I want to get to the Doctor before they cut his head off. Now stay here.
(He exits the TARDIS, leaving VICKI in a huff. She mutters to herself as he leaves...)
VICKI: (Aggrieved.) Goodbye! (Worried.) I hope you find the Doctor, that's all.
[SCENE_BREAK]
9: INT. AGAMEMNON'S TENT (NIGHT)
(Night has fallen. In a richly draped tent in the Greek encampment, sits AGAMEMNON, King of Mycenae. He is currently sitting in front of a feast of cold meats, eating like a pig. Beside him is his brother, the Spartan king MENELAUS, who drinks from a pitcher of wine - not his first of the evening. A number of soldiers and two young slaves are in attendance and a lyre plays in the background.)
AGAMEMNON: Now, you drink too much, Menelaus. I've told you about it before. Why can't you learn to behave like a king instead of a... dropsical old camp follower? Have a little dignity. Try to remember that you're my brother, can't you?
(MENELAUS replies in a slurred voice.)
MENELAUS: One of the reasons I drink, Agamemnon, is to forget that I am your brother. Another is this ridiculous Trojan expedition - we've been here for ten years! I want to go home. Besides, I'm not getting any younger.
AGAMEMNON: You won't get any older if you talk to me like that, brother or no brother. What's the matter with you, man? Don't you want to get Helen back? Don't you... don't you want to see your wife again?
MENELAUS: Quite frankly, no. If you must know, I was heartily glad to see the back of her.
AGAMEMNON: You mustn't talk like that in front of these.
(He indicates the slaves as MENELAUS chuckles.)
MENELAUS: It wasn't the first time she's allowed herself to be... abducted. I can't keep on going off to the ends of the Earth to get her back, it...it makes me a laughing stock.
AGAMEMNON: Now you knew perfectly well what she was like before you married her. Besides, this is a question of honour to get her back. Family honour, don't you understand?
MENELAUS: Not...not to mention the trade routes through the Bosphorus, of course.
AGAMEMNON: What have they got to do with it?
MENELAUS: It isn't enough for you that you control the Achean League, is it? Now you want to take over Asia Minor as well, only King Priam of Troy stands in your way.
AGAMEMNON: May I remind you that these ambitions would have been served just as well if you had killed Paris in single combat, as you were expected to?
MENELAUS: Yes, but...
AGAMEMNON: And don't interrupt. Priam would have been quite prepared to let this contest settle the issue between us.
MENELAUS: Yes, but you...
AGAMEMNON: Don't blame me because you've landed us into a full scale war!
MENELAUS: Yes, but I did challenge Paris, if you remember, ten years ago! Fellow wouldn't accept.
AGAMEMNON: Huh! He's just about as cowardly as you are.
(MENELAUS tries to speak firmly to his brother, though his drunken slurring spoils the effect.)
MENELAUS: For the last time, I am not a coward.
AGAMEMNON: Well in that case, why don't you challenge someone else?
MENELAUS: Anyone...
AGAMEMNON: Challenge Hector.
MENELAUS: Hector...?
(MENELAUS starts worrying that his brother just might be serious.)
MENELAUS: Hector?! Are you mad? Why, that would be suicide!
AGAMEMNON: Well you don't know until you've tried it, do you?
(He begins to laugh.)
AGAMEMNON: You know, I think that's a very good idea of yours!
MENELAUS: Oh. So you want to see me killed, is that it? Is nothing sacred to you?
AGAMEMNON: A brother's honour.
(MENELAUS scoffs.)
AGAMEMNON: I hold that more sacred than anything else. That's why I shall issue the challenge in the morning, on your behalf.
MENELAUS: I...on my behalf?
(He breaks off as ACHILLES runs into the tent, and saluting, drops his bombshell.)
ACHILLES: My king - Hector is dead!
(The reaction is not as ACHILLES had hoped; AGAMEMNON is furious but MENELAUS looks relieved.)
AGAMEMNON: What! How did this happen?
ACHILLES: This very day. I slew him after an hour or more of single combat.
AGAMEMNON: Oh, you did. Oh dear. There's another good idea wasted.
ACHILLES: (Disappointed.) What do you mean, wasted? Here have I been, fight...
AGAMEMNON: (Interrupting.) Ah, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes! It's only that Menelaus was just about to challenge him.
(MENELAUS chokes on a particularly large mouthful of wine. ACHILLES looks hurt.)
AGAMEMNON: Now don't think I'm not pleased with what you've done. I am! Sit down. Tell us all about it.
ACHILLES: But I have other, more important news. And there isn't much time.
AGAMEMNON: What, more important than the death of Hector?
ACHILLES: At the height of my battle with Hector, there came a sudden lightning flash. And Zeus appeared before me.
MENELAUS: Zeus? Oh...
(He suddenly realises what ACHILLES has said...)
MENELAUS: Eh?!
AGAMEMNON: It's all right, he's been listening to too much propaganda, haven't you, Achilles? (Chuckles) You mustn't take so much notice of that.
ACHILLES: Look, I tell you it's true! He appeared to me from nowhere in the...in the shape of a little old man.
AGAMEMNON: Oh! Where is he now, this little old Zeus?
ACHILLES: He was about to accompany me here when Odysseus and his men arrived. They took him prisoner.
(AGAMEMNON leaps to his feet with hitherto unsuspected agility.)
AGAMEMNON: They what!
ACHILLES: Odysseus mocked him. Then they seized him and are bringing him to camp. I ran ahead to warn you.
AGAMEMNON: You did well. Perdition take Odysseus! You can't be too careful in matters like this. He may in fact be Zeus.
(He shouts to a nearby guard.)
AGAMEMNON: Guard! Go find the Lord Odysseus. Command his presence here.
(The guard leaves.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
10: EXT. PLAIN OF TROY (NIGHT)
(Back on the plain, a Trojan approaches the TARDIS in the darkness. He places a plaque beside the police box and hurries away. On the plaque is a crudely painted horse...)
[SCENE_BREAK]
11: INT. AGAMEMNON'S TENT (NIGHT)
(ODYSSEUS comes storming into AGAMEMNON'S tent.)
ODYSSEUS: Who dares command Odysseus? Well, Agamemnon, is it you? Well, we will not quarrel when we have a guest of such importance. Here's this old man - claims to be our father Zeus, ha!
(The DOCTOR is shoved headlong into the tent. He raises his hand and ACHILLES kneels whilst MENELAUS ducks beneath the table.)
DOCTOR: You may rise. I am most displeased. Who is in command here?
AGAMEMNON: I have that honour.
DOCTOR: As I have always understood; yet this mountebank Odysseus seems to be a law unto himself. He makes fun of his guests, and laughs at Zeus!
AGAMEMNON: He will be reprimanded - if you are indeed who you say you are.
DOCTOR: If I am not a god, how do you account for my supernatural knowledge, hm?
AGAMEMNON: Knowledge? Of what?
DOCTOR: I could tell you one or two things that might surprise you.
AGAMEMNON: Ah, name one.
DOCTOR: Your wife, for instance, is unfaithful to you.
AGAMEMNON: What!
(ODYSSEUS roars with laughter.)
ODYSSEUS: Everyone knows that!
MENELAUS: I...I've never heard it.
ODYSSEUS: Everyone, that is, except you and him, of course!
AGAMEMNON: (Angrily.) Silence! I will not have my wife's name banded about like that. Besides, we have no way of checking on your slanderous assertions, divinely inspired or no. What do you advise?
DOCTOR: (Shouts.) Then treat me with honour and return me to my temple, before I really become angry!
(ACHILLES hastily steps forward.)
ACHILLES: I tell you, Agamemnon, he has come to help us.
AGAMEMNON: What?
DOCTOR: If I were an enemy, what could one man do nolne...alone and unarmed do against the glory that is Greece, hm?
AGAMEMNON: Glory that is Greece? A neat phrase.
ODYSSEUS: The man is a spy. Deal with him and be brief, or I shall undertake it for you.
ACHILLES: After I am dead, Odysseus, and only then.
ODYSSEUS: If you so insist, I shall be most happy to oblige, Lightfoot!
(He laughs.)
AGAMEMNON: Silence! This is time for thought, not swordplay.
ODYSSEUS: Well, since my thoughts are of such little account, allow me to withdraw!
(The sailor storms out of the tent.)
ACHILLES: (To the DOCTOR.) Forgive him, father Zeus. The man is a boor. If you command me, I will deal with him...
DOCTOR: No, no, Achilles, leave him! Why try to kill him now when you are in sight of victory? (Laughs.)
AGAMEMNON: Huh? Do you prophesy as much as that?
DOCTOR: I could almost guarantee it.
MENELAUS: Almost? Oh, not another ten years!
DOCTOR: But first I would like to know, am I to be treated as a god - or as an enemy? If you kill me now, it will probably cost you the war.
(AGAMEMNON considers...)
AGAMEMNON: Yes, that is so. On the other hand, if we don't kill you and you are a spy, the same thing might happen. I propose to place you under arrest.
DOCTOR: Arrest? But I must return to my TAR... er, my temple!
AGAMEMNON: A reverent arrest. You must not be offended. We shall enjoy the benefit of your experience and your advice, and in return you will enjoy our hospitality.
DOCTOR: (Resigned.) Very well.
AGAMEMNON: Excellent! Do sit down and have a ham bone.
(The DOCTOR sits at the table and is passed the proffered dish...)
[SCENE_BREAK]
12: EXT. PLAIN OF TROY (NIGHT)
(STEVEN silently picks his way across the plain towards the Greek encampment. He ducks out of sight as a number of sentries walk past, then he goes on, skirting past the dozing sentries. He is watched from the shadows by a tan-skinned man with a patch over one eye - CYCLOPS who sees STEVEN approach the camp.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
13: EXT. GREEK CAMP (NIGHT)
(ODYSSEUS approaches the outside of AGAMEMNON'S tent. Outside it is a Greek soldier on guard.)
ODYSSEUS: Get thee to thy rest.
(The guard leaves. As soon as he has gone, CYCLOPS emerges from the shadows and goes up to a pleased ODYSSEUS.)
ODYSSEUS: Ah, my little Cyclops. What news, hmm?
(CYCLOPS gestures in sign language; ODYSSEUS clearly understands him.)
ODYSSEUS: The stranger?
(CYCLOPS corrects ODYSSEUS' understanding...)
ODYSSEUS: Ah, the other stranger. Another stranger!
(CYCLOPS signs again...)
ODYSSEUS: Ah, from the temple? Oh, temple!
(He laughs as CYCLOPS continues with his "message".)
ODYSSEUS: (Alarmed.) In the camp! You think he is my enemy, eh? You have done well. Now, my little chatterbox, go back to the temple, see what happens, hm?
(He suddenly notices STEVEN moving through the darkened camp a short distance away.)
ODYSSEUS: Get you gone!
(CYCLOPS goes and ODYSSEUS ducks into hiding. STEVEN approaches the tent and is about to peer in when ODYSSEUS comes out of the shadows behind him.)
ODYSSEUS: (Quietly.) What have we here?
(STEVEN spins round.)
ODYSSEUS: Another god, perhaps?
STEVEN: No, I'm just a traveller. I lost my way and saw the light.
ODYSSEUS: At least the god Apollo - to walk invisible past sentries.
STEVEN: Sentries? I saw no sentries.
ODYSSEUS: Oh? Then perhaps they are sleeping with a knife between their ribs.
(He puts the point of his sword against STEVEN'S throat.)
ODYSSEUS: Shall we go seek them together?
(STEVEN backs off.)
STEVEN: Put away your sword, I'm a friend!
ODYSSEUS: Mm, but a friend of whom?
STEVEN: What do you mean?
(ODYSSEUS points at the tent.)
ODYSSEUS: That... that god who feasts yonder, that Trojan spy?
STEVEN: I don't know him.
ODYSSEUS: (Harshly.) Do you not? We shall see! Move!
(He pushes STEVEN forward into AGAMEMNON'S tent.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
14: INT. AGAMEMNON'S TENT (NIGHT)
(AGAMEMNON, MENELAUS, ACHILLES and the DOCTOR are just finishing dinner when STEVEN is sent hurtling into the tent, closely, though more slowly, followed by ODYSSEUS.)
AGAMEMNON: Huh? Who is this?
ODYSSEUS: My prisoner, the god Apollo. Achilles, will you not worship him? He is a Trojan spy, but of such undoubted divinity he must be spared.
AGAMEMNON: (To STEVEN.) Are you a Trojan?
STEVEN: Huh? No, of course not! I'm just a traveller... of a sort.
(AGAMEMNON turns to the DOCTOR.)
AGAMEMNON: Do you know this man?
DOCTOR: Only for what he seems to be.
ODYSSEUS: An acquaintance from Olympus, come to meet his father.
STEVEN: My father? I've never seen him before in my life!
AGAMEMNON: That's enough! Take him away, Odysseus. Why should I be troubled with such petty prisoners? Cut out his tongue for insolence, and make an end!
(STEVEN looks alarmed.)
ODYSSEUS: (To AGAMEMNON.) Softly now!
(He turns to the DOCTOR.)
ODYSSEUS: All-seeing Zeus, you see into our very hearts and know their secrets?
DOCTOR: Quite so.
ODYSSEUS: Then is this man a spy?
DOCTOR: I do not know, and I do not care.
ODYSSEUS: Shall he then be put to death?
DOCTOR: I think it would be much safer on the whole.
(STEVEN looks confused, then worried, as ODYSSEUS draws his sword to carry out the execution.)
DOCTOR: Stop! Have you lost your senses?
ODYSSEUS: Now we have it! On second thoughts, you think we should release him to return to Troy.
DOCTOR: Do not mock me, my Lord Odysseus! Would you stain the tent of Agamemnon's...with a Trojan's blood? I claim this man as a sacrifice to Olympus! Bring him to my temple in the plain, at sunrise in the morning, and I will show you a miracle.
ODYSSEUS: (Mocking.) A miracle! Oh, that would be most satisfactory.
MENELAUS: Convincing proof, I would say.
AGAMEMNON: What sort of miracle would...
DOCTOR: I will strike him with a bolt from heaven!
ODYSSEUS: Very spectacular, ha!
(There is s sudden commotion outside, and two guards enter, bearing the struggling form of CYCLOPS between them.)
AGAMEMNON: Ah, what's this? Who's this?
ODYSSEUS: Release him.
AGAMEMNON: All right, Odysseus, who is this man?
ODYSSEUS: My Cyclops, my little servant. So...
(CYCLOPS gestures to ODYSSEUS.)
AGAMEMNON: Well, can't he speak?
ODYSSEUS: Alas no more. For once he spoke too loud for comfort, and stammered on a knife. But he speaks to me. (To CYCLOPS.) Get you gone and wait for me.
(The guards step back and CYCLOPS leaves. ODYSSEUS turns to the DOCTOR.)
ODYSSEUS: Thunder at the temple tomorrow, did you say?
DOCTOR: Yes, I did.
ODYSSEUS: Our weather is so unpredictable. If there is no thunder on the plain, I have a sword will serve for two as well as one. Your "temple", as you call it, has disappeared!
(The DOCTOR momentarily loses his mask of authority.)
DOCTOR: Disappeared?
ODYSSEUS: Vanished... (He laughs.) ...into thin air!
(The DOCTOR'S mask of authority slips and STEVEN looks at him in alarm...)
[SCENE_BREAK]
15: EXT. PLAIN OF TROY (NIGHT)
(Indeed, where the TARDIS once stood, only the Trojan plaque of the horse now lies on the ground...) | Plan: A: Missing episode; Q: What is the episode called that takes place in Asia Minor? A: TARDIS; Q: What vehicle arrives on the plains of Asia Minor? A: Troy; Q: What city is the TARDIS near? A: the Greek camp; Q: Where is the Doctor taken when he is hailed by Achilles as the mighty god Zeus? A: Odysseus; Q: Who is the other Greek that the Doctor meets? A: space; Q: Along with time, what else does the Doctor travel in? A: a scheme; Q: What is the Doctor given two days to devise to capture Troy? A: Vicki; Q: Who is given two days to banish the Greeks to prove she is not a spy? A: Trojans; Q: Who took Steven and Vicki prisoner? A: supernatural powers; Q: What is Vicki believed to possess? Summary: Missing episode When the TARDIS arrives on the plains of Asia Minor not far from the besieged city of Troy, the Doctor is hailed by Achilles as the mighty godZeus and taken to the Greek camp. He meets Agamemnon and Odysseus. Forced to admit he is a mere mortal - albeit a traveller in space and time - he is given two days to devise a scheme to capture Troy. Steven and Vicki, meanwhile, have been taken prisoner by the Trojans. Vicki, believed to possess supernatural powers, is given two days to banish the Greeks to prove she is not a spy. |
Dennis' face bulges through the wall.
Wilson: "Who are you talking to?"
Cordy: "My ghost. I-I have a ghost." Lindsey offering his business card to Angel in Russell's office.
Lindsey: "Should you continue to harass our client then we will be forced to bring you into the light of day. I place that I'm told is not all that healthy for you." Russell bursting through the window, screaming. Angel turning away with a smile.
Lindsey on the phone: "Seems there is a new player in town." Buffy and Faith pulling out their stakes as they enter the vampire lair in "Bad Girls"
Wesley (in the library): "Ah! This is perhaps Faith."
Faith: "New Watcher?"
Buffy and Giles in unison: "New Watcher." Faith killing the book-demon. Buffy voice over: "Being the Slayer is not the same as being a killer." Faith hitting a police officer as she runs away from Buffy in "This Years Girl" Faith stabbing Finch.
Buffy: "You killed a man!"
Faith: "I don't care." Faith admiring the knife the Mayor gifted her with in "Choices"
Angel: "You can't imagine the price for true evil. - If you can trust us Faith, this can all change." Wesley storming in with a big wooden cross, his flunkies beating Angel up with crowbars.
Wesley to Faith: "I'm exercising my authority and removing you to England - where you will accept the judgement of the disciplinary committee." Faith busting out of the truck. Giles voice over: "We have a rogue Slayer on our hands. I can't think of anything more dangerous."
Buffy: "I don't she's coming back."
Riley: "Guess she's had her fun." Night. Marquez walks up to some guys huddled around a fire burning in a trashcan under a bridge.
Marquez: "Yo ese! What the hell you're burning there man? Smells like... Yo, you're hanging in the wrong place man! (Close up of a gun held by one of the guys) My boys ain't gonna be too happy when they get here and see what kind of a mess you made, man." The figure holding the gun gets up. It's a demon holding the dismembered human arm that holding the gun. It drops it into the fire. Marquez stares at their disfigured faces than turns and runs. The three demons give chase. Marquez pulls out a gun and fires at his pursuers, but they never even slow. Angel's convertible, driven by Wesley squeals around a corner behind them. As they pass the three demons, Angel leans out and beheads one of the demons with a sword. Wesley passes Marquez and turns to cut him off, bringing the car to a halt. Angel jumps out.
Angel: "Your name Marquez? (Marquez nods) Good. I hate saving the wrong guy." Angel turns and beheads a demon coming up behind him, splattering Wesley and the car with gore in the process.
Angel: "Never know who you're gonna meet in this part of town. You want a ride?"
Cut to a Greyhound-like bus pulling up. The door opens and the passengers step out. We follow a pair of black platform shoes, pan up to show it's a girl with a duffel.
Cut to a guy lighting a cigarette. Back to the girl. As she steps into the cone of the streetlight, we see that it is Faith, not looking too good. Guy as Faith is about to pass him: "New in town, right? (He falls in beside Faith as she keeps walking) You got that new in town look. This is a dangerous part of town this time of night for a young lady, you know? Lot of people down here try and take advantage of a situation like that. - Especially if you don't have any money - place to stay. - I might be able to help." Faith stops and turns to him: "I'm cold." Guy takes off his leather jacket: "Oh, yeah? Warm is my middle name." Faith hits him in the stomach, the face, keeps hitting and kicking him into unconsciousness. Leans down and takes his keys and wallet out of his jacket.
Faith: "Now I got money - and a place to stay. (Pulls off his jacket and puts it on) I think I'm gonna like it here." Credits Borsa, Romania 1898 Darla follows a blindfolded Angelus into a house.
Angelus: "Can I take off this blindfold yet?"
Darla: "No." Angelus grabs Darla around the waist: "Can I take off something else?"
Darla: "After I give you your present." (They kiss) You can never have enough of those. Come on." She leads him into another room, then takes his blindfold off. We see a fire burning in a fireplace. The camera pans down to show a bound and gagged girl lying in front of it.
Darla: "Happy birthday, Angelus."
Angelus: "She is a gypsy."
Darla: "I looked everywhere."
Angelus: "What would I do without you?"
Darla: "Whither and die. (They kiss) She is not just for you - I get to watch." Angelus goes and leans down over the girl. He pushes her skirt up while she squirms, then vamps out and bites her thigh while Darla watches.
Cut to Angel slamming Marquez into a chair in his office.
Angel: "The only way you're gonna keep from getting killed is to do the right thing."
Marquez: "Right thing for who?" Angel grabs his shirt front and leans into him: "Next time they come after you I'm not gonna be there. And your friends aren't gonna be there either. Not after being cut up and incinerated."
Cut to Cordy in the outer office: "This guy is never gonna do it. What a waste of a good vision." She walks over to where Wesley is laying curled up under his jacket on the couch, trying to sleep.
Wesley: "It's going that badly?"
Cordy: "I knew it when you brought him in here yesterday. Someone with that much body art is gonna have a different definition of civic duty."
Wesley: "After we saved his life?"
Cordy: "When was the last time *you* wrote a thank-you card?"
Wesley sits up: "Well, I have faith in Angel. If anyone can convince him to testify..."
Cordy: "Wesley, you don't change a guy like that. In fact - generally speaking - you don't change a guy. What you see is what you get. Scratch the surface and what do you find? More surface." Wesley puts on his glasses and gets up: "One could have said that about Angel."
Cordy: "Oh, please! He was cursed by gypsies. What's Angel gonna do? Drag a bunch of them in here to shove a soul down this guy's throat?"
Wesley: "He may be a ruffian, but he's already got a soul, and therefore - deep down inside - an urge to do what's right." Marquez bursting into the outer office: "No way. I'm gone." Angel grabs him by the collar and pulls him back slamming the door.
Angel: "Shut up and sit down."
Cordy: "I guess you're right, Wesley. He's just like the Dalai Lama."
Angel: "You don't even know what you're up against, do you? You're gonna have to face your demons sometime."
Marquez: "What if I don't want to face my demons?"
Angel: "Then you'll have to face mine."
Cut to the outside of a bar at night and a small crowd on the steps. Cut to people dancing inside. One of them is Faith, dancing, drifting from guy to guy. She dances up to a girl, then takes the arms of the guy the girl was dancing with and wraps them around her waist. The girl stops and stares while Faith rubs herself against the guy.
Girl: "Excuse me!"
Faith: "Okay, you're excused."
Girl: "That's my boyfriend!"
Faith: "Really? (Looks down inside the front of the guy's shirt) You have your name on him? Because I don't see it - anywhere."
Girl: "Billy! Do something!"
Faith: "Yeah, Billy, do something - like this!" Faith elbows the girl in the face. Billy tries to hit Faith, but she deflects him and he stumbles into a guy behind her. A fight ensues and slowly spreads to others, during which Faith keeps dancing to the music, while throwing the occasional punch or kick.
Cut to a courtroom, day.
Lindsey: "While the arguments that the district attorney here has presented are somewhat entertaining, this case hinges on the testimony of witnesses that they have been unable to produce."
Attorney: "Your honor, we can produce them if Wolfram & Hart will stop tampering with the witness."
Lindsey: "Witness tampering is a serious allegation, councilor. And I will be filing a grievance for this remark with the A.B.A this afternoon. They have no witness. They have no case. I request a dismissal of all charges (the door in the back opens and Marquez walks in, followed by Angel) against my client, whose reputation has been irreparably damaged by these proceedings. He is a law abiding and upstanding (turns and see Angel and Marquez) - citizen."
Angel: "Your client really is - except for that pesky drug-dealing and murder stuff."
Attorney: "Your honor, the state calls Mr. Marquez." Angel and Lindsey stare at each other while Marquez gets sworn in.
Cut to Lindsey talking into the headset of a wireless phone.
Lindsey: "No sir. I accept full responsibility. I thought - - I thought we had done everything possible. However, I'd not foreseen the intervention (Door opens and Lindsey McDonald waves to Lee Mercer to come in). Yes sir. Angel. I don't disagree. He's proven to be a costly liability. - I can, absolutely, I can do that. Yes, sir. Good-bye. (Takes off the phone and tosses it on his desk) I hate failure when there is no one else to blame it on."
Lee holds out some papers: "I think I've found the solution to our problem." Lindsey takes the papers and looks at them.
Cut to Lilah Morgan walking through the lobby. Lilah to Lee a ways in front of her: "Lee! I've been looking for you. (To the guy next to her) You call them back and tell them that's our drop-dead offer, and you make sure that they understand we mean literally not figuratively. (To Lee as the other guy leaves with a nod) How are you doing?"
Lee: "Good! You?"
Lilah: "Great. I heard you came up with a good idea. How to deal with our friendly neighborhood vampire?"
Lee: "No, I came up with a great idea. How do you find out these things so fast?"
Lilah: "Part of my job. How did you find out there was a rogue Slayer in town?"
Lee: "Part of *my* job. I've been reading, ah, the police reports. She's been a - busy little beaver."
Lilah: "But you don't know where she is."
Lee: "I will soon enough."
Lilah opens a folder: "I already do. - Uh, I'll make the contact."
Lee: "I don't think so. It's my deal - I'll make the contact."
Lilah: "Let me think about it... - No."
Lee: "Why not?"
Lilah: "It's your people skills - you don't have any."
Lee: "You bitch."
Lilah chuckles: "See? If you behave I'll let you ride in the Limo."
Cut to Cordy on the phone: "Unfortunately we - don't really do divorce cases. - No, it's not about the money. - Oh, - it's about that much money! How soon can we meet? (Angel and Wesley come up out of the elevator) Yeah, I know where that is. - Okay, we'll see you there tomorrow. Thanks for calling. Bye! (Hangs up) How'd it go?"
Wesley: "We won."
Cordy: "Gang-guy testified?"
Angel: "Stood up and told the truth."
Cordy to Wesley: "What did I tell you?"
Wesley: "That he never would."
Cordy: "Well, more good news. I may have landed a new client, and here is a twist: he can afford to pay!"
Wesley: "What's the case?"
Cordy: "I'm still in - information gathering phase. But - ah - we're meeting him for lunch tomorrow. (To Angel) So, are you happy with the way things turned out? (To Wesley as an aside) You can always tell when he's happy. His scowl - is slightly less scowly."
Wesley to Angel: "That young man is very lucky he ran into you."
Angel: "He just needed a little guidance - a push in the right direction."
Wesley: "I wonder how Wolfram & Hart are going to push back."
Cut to Lilah and Faith walking out of a bar at night.
Faith: "I guess we could go somewhere and talk, but I'm not much of a talker. I'm more of a doer."
Lilah: "I think you might have misunderstood my intentions."
Faith: "No, I think you misunderstood mine. I like that watch. Diamonds, right?'
Lilah: "Faith."
Faith: "How do you know my name? I don't think I told you."
Lilah: "We are well aware of who you are - and what you do. We know you have been experiencing some - difficulties. We think we can help bring some order back to your life."
Faith: "We do, do we? Who is we, and why do they know me when I don't know Jack about you?"
Lilah: "Green - is my favorite color. I look good in diamonds - and I love riding in limousines." Faith turns around as Lee opens the back door of a black limousine from the inside.
Lee: "Faith - can we talk?"
Faith to Lilah: "I like black." Faith gets into the limo, Lilah follows.
Cut to Darla entering the house she and Angelus are apparently living in.
Darla: "Angelus? - Are you here? - Angelus?" She walks into the other room. Angel is huddled up against a wall.
Angel: "Not everyone screams."
Darla: "What?"
Angel: "When you kill them. Some - just stand there, - frozen... While others..."
Darla: "What are you doing? Are we playing a game?"
Angel: "The children - they usually scream."
Darla smiling: "Hmm, yes. They sound just like little pigs. Have you brought me some? - What you don't think I'll share? I can't believe that you would think I'm that insensitive." Angel turns away from the wall. He looks pretty ragged.
Angel: "We've drunk and killed for who long now? 140-odd years. We've drunk them all up and they're all dead." Darla tries to take his face into her hands: "Where have you been?"
Angel pushes her away: "Don't."
Darla: "What is this? Have you met someone else?" Angel takes a hold of her shoulders and leans against her.
Darla: "No. -Let go. (Pushes him away) Let go of me! What happened to you? Angelus, what happened?"
Angel: "That gypsy girl you brought me - her people found out. They did something to me."
Darla: "A spell?"
Angel: "Funny. You would think with all the - people I've maimed - and killed I wouldn't be able to remember every - single - one. (Darla walks up to him) Help me." Darla lays a hand against the side of his face: "The spell - they gave you a soul. A filthy soul! No! (Scratches his cheek) You're disgusting!"
Angel: "Darla." Darla picks up a wooden chair to ward him off: "No, get away from me."
Angel: "You brought her here." Darla smashes the chair and picks up one of the legs and tries to stake Angel.
Angel avoids the swing: "I am like you." Darla still holding the stake ready: "You're not like anything. Get away from me. Get out! (Angel stumbles out of the house) I'll kill you!"
Cut to Angel walking away from the house. He looks back once to see Darla in the door, stake raised. Darla watches him go, slowly lowering her stake.
Cut to an office of Wolfram & Hart's, where Faith is pacing the floor.
Lindsey: "A felony arrest warrant from Sunnydale was issued in your name - - physical description is quite accurate. The photograph, however, is - not flattering. - There is a lot of personal stuff that is of no interest to me, but what they do fail to mention is that you are a Slayer."
Lilah: "Which is why we found you so appealing."
Lindsey: "You have a problem. We have a problem. I just had a perfectly good murder case go up in smoke and you seem to - have a certain expertise in that area. So to make a long story - less long - I think if a service is rendered - we can get you off."
Faith: "You don't know how many man have promised me that."
Lilah: "I'm certain you won't be disappointed in our performance."
Faith: "Who am I supposed to kill?"
Lindsey: "Please understand that we would never advocate the killing of another human being. - His name is Angel. - He's somewhat of a private..."
Faith: "No problem."
Lee: "Don't you want to know anything more?"
Faith: "Yeah. Besides getting me off, how much are you going to pay?"
Lee: "It might behoove you to know more about your intended. So, before we discuss remuneration..."
Faith: "Huh?"
Lee: "Payment. I want to make sure you understand that this firm is in no way connected to - anything you do. - It's my ass on the line here. I don't want you to make me look bad." Faith grabs him by the neck and slams his face on the table.
Faith: "How do you look now?" Faith keeps pounding his face on the table. Lilah to Lindsey with a smile: "She shows initiative."
Lindsey to the intercom: "Jesse, I think you better make it 3 for dinner instead of 4."
Cut to Angel, Cordy and Wesley stepping out of an elevator.
Cordy: "And he is kind of a busy man, so lunch was the only time he had. It's not the kind of case I'd normally go after, but we've got to consider the bottom line."
Angel: "What kind of demons are we dealing with."
Cordy: "Well, it's not exactly a demon thing."
Wesley: "What kind of - thing is it?"
Cordy: "It's a kind of - husband and wife break-up thing."
Wesley: "A divorce case?"
Angel: "You're kidding."
Cordy: "What's wrong with a divorce case?"
Angel: "That's not what we do."
Cordy: "According to the husband the wife is a real witch.'
Wesley: "Seems a bit on the seedy side."
Cordy: "This is not seedy! He's in government. - Just talk to him. Oh, and we should pick up the tab for lunch. Nothing says success less than splitting the bill."
Angel: "I didn't bring any money with me."
Cordy: "Okay, Elvis. When you are a big star you can get away with not carrying any cash. And while we're on the subject - I think one of us should apply for a small business loan. (We see Faith standing a ways behind Angel) Just to get us through the rough spots. (The camera pulls to an overhead shot, showing Faith aiming her crossbow at Angel's back and pulling the trigger) I meant what's a thirty year loan to you?" Angel turns as Faith shoots and catches the quarrel just in front of his chest.
Faith: "That was so cool! This is gonna be fun!" The turns and runs out through a door and into the sunshine.
Wesley: "Oh my God. Faith."
Angel: "I thought she was in a coma."
Cordy: "Pretty lively coma."
Cut to Angel hanging up the phone in his office.
Angel: "Giles said she left Sunnydale about a week ago. He described her mental state as borderline psychotic."
Cordy: "That explains her outfit."
Wesley: "This isn't right."
Cordy: "When a whacked-out Slayer tries to kill your boss - it's very wrong."
Wesley: "I meant Giles. Why didn't he give me the heads-up? I was Faith's Watcher. When she came out of the coma, Giles should have contacted me immediately."
Cordy: "Maybe he was busy trying to keep her form - I don't know - kill everybody?"
Angel: "He didn't know she was coming after me. He was worried about Buffy."
Cordy: "Is she okay?"
Angel: "Yeah."
Cordy: "What can we do?"
Angel: "Help me track her down. I want you two to check police reports - beatings, killings - anything within the last week, possibly near bus stations and bars. And then you make yourselves scarce. I don't want to give her any free targets."
Wesley: "You've been targeted by a psychotic! I'm certainly not going to run and hide."
Cordy: "I like the plan where I'm scarce."
Wesley: "We've got to band together. Strength in numbers."
Cordy: "Two is a number."
Angel stands up: "She coming for me. I've got a fight coming up. I don't want you to get in the way."
Wesley: "I thought we were a team."
Angel: "We're not a team. I'm your boss. You go where I tell you and I tell you to lay low,"
Wesley: "Seems you're taking this personally."
Angel: "Well, you know, she tried to shoot my own personal back, so yeah."
Wesley: "Did she do something to Buffy?"
Angel: "Giles just said it was rough."
Wesley: "I'm sorry. But if you let emotion control you right now, one of you will certainly end up dead."
Angel: "Yeah, that's what the lady wants."
Wesley: "That's not good enough! She's not a demon, Angel. She is a sick, sick girl. If there is even a chance she can be reasoned with..."
Angel: "There was. Last year I had a shot at saving her. I was pulling her back from the brink when some British guy kidnapped her and made damn sure she'd never trust a living soul."
Cordy: "Angel, it's not Wesley's fault that *some* British guy ruined your... - oh. Wait (to Wesley) that was you. (To Angel) Go on."
Wesley: "You don't need to."
Angel: "Let's just get to work."
[SCENE_BREAK]
Cut to Angel looking through his weapons cabinet when he hears some noise upstairs. Angel walks slowly up into the office. Someone opens the blinds in the outer office as Angel walks towards it, flooding it with sunlight
Faith: "Hey, baby! Come give us a hug." Angel in the door leading from his office: "I was hoping you'd stop by. Always good to see old friends. (Faith pulls out a revolver and cocks it) What's this? Wooden bullets?"
Faith: "Ooh, good idea! But no, this is for you. You know - I'm going to kill you slowly and inventively, so I'm gonna give you one chance to..." Faith tossed him the gun. Angel catches it and shoots at her right leg. Faith laughs.
Angel: "Blanks. (Tosses the gun back to her) Nice."
Faith: "You didn't shoot to kill. We're gonna have to up the stakes, get you in the game a little."
Angel: "What's the game exactly, Faith? Boredom? Revenge?"
Faith: "Dude, I'm getting paid. They hate you almost as much as I do."
Angel: "Ever occurred to you this might be more fun for me?"
Faith: "You think? Because what if you kill me - and you experience that one true moment of pleasure? Oops! I'd get off on that. Go ahead. Do me. Let's take that hell ride together. Come on, Angel, I'm all yours! I'm giving you an open invitation. - Jeez, you're pathetic! You and your little tortured soul, got to think everything through. Well, think fast, lover. You don't' do me, you know I'm gonna do you!" Aims her gun at Angel and pulls the trigger. Angel staggers back under the impact as the bullet hits his chest, gasping with pain.
Faith: "Gosh. That one wasn't a blank. - Let the games begin." Faith jumps out through the window, shattering the glass.
Cut to the offices of Wolfram & Hart, night. Lindsey and another lawyer step out of an elevator.
Lindsey: "I'm telling you, it's a - situation we are handling "
Lawyer: "I read the file. It needs to be handled! I've got to jump." They part. The camera pans to show Angel strolling in through the front door, in dark suit and tie, carrying a brief case.
Lawyer points at him: "You!" Angel turns to look at him. The are right in front of the security desk.
Lawyer: "We're in the Gruber meeting."
Angel: "Right."
Lawyer: "What the hell is going on with those people?"
Angel: "I know, it's..."
Lawyer: "I mean is this a negotiation or a cotillion?"
Angel: "That's exactly what I was trying to tell Frank."
Lawyer: "Who's Frank?"
Angel: "Works with Louise in contracts."
Lawyer: "Contracts - the problem is not contracts!"
Angel: "That's what I was trying to tell..." Lawyer's cell phone rings and he waves Angel quiet while he answers it.
Lawyer to phone: "Go. Yes. - Yes. - No, no. Thursday! (Hangs up) We have to close Gruber now, before the soft offer becomes hard and the stock goes..."
Angel: "Through the ceiling!"
Lawyer: "In the toilet!"
Angel: "Right."
Lawyer: "Keep me in the loop, will you? I want to know the instant that they fold. - They are folding? (Angel makes a face and the lawyer checks his watch) Look, I've got to jump. E-mail me. Good to see you."
Angel: "You too." They part.
Cut to Angel entering Lindsey McDonalds office. He sits down at the desk and look through the papers. The door opens and Lindsey walks in. He smiles and shakes his head when he sees Angel.
Lindsey: "Don't you have any respect for the law?"
Angel: "Nice office. Good view. (Gets up) Where is Faith?"
Lindsey: "Should I know what you're talking about?"
Angel: "Your new employee."
Lindsey: "It's a big firm. Tell you what I can do. I can give you the number for Personnel, though. I'm sure they'd be glad to handle your problem."
Angel: "You'd remember this one. Pretty, dark hair, kills things?"
Lindsey: "I assure you that we have strict hiring practices."
Angel: "So how does it work for a guy like you? - Successful lawyer in a big law firm, - company car, - nice office, bonus: - can hire a killing when ever you want. Kind of got it made, right?"
Lindsey: "Well, we'll just add slander to breaking and entering. While we're on the subject, I remember you throwing one of my clients through a window. Killed him if I'm not mistaken."
Angel: "Yes. I seem to remember. (Turns to point at the window) The window was just about that size. Hmm. Too bad the body burned up before it hit the ground. I might have needed a good lawyer."
Lindsey: "I'm sorry, we only handle a certain class of clientele."
Angel: "Oh, I'm sure that I've killed enough people to qualify. Where is she?"
Lindsey: "You know a vampire can't walk in here without us knowing it. We have a highly sophisticated security system, spent a fortune on mystical barriers and such. Nice to know our investment paid off." Angel grabs the security guard coming at him with his gun drawn and slams him down on the table, knocking him out.
Angel: "I think it was a waste of money myself."
Lindsey: "Well, one down. More on the way. And the police have been called. And this whole encounter has been visually recorded on hi-def. So, - despite the fact that I'm sure it would make an entertaining evening watching you fight for your life, - not to mention the fortune I could make off the video - I do have a dinner."
Angel picks up his briefcase: "Good to see you again, Lindsey. - We'll do this real soon."
Lindsey as Angel walks out: "You know, just when I think I got you figured out, you show up in a suit." Wesley is reading from a report as he and Cordy walk up to her apartment, night.
Wesley: "There is another assault just two blocks away. A fight in a bar, several arrests made, and a woman fitting Faith's description was involved, - however not arrested."
Cordy: "She charm her way out?"
Wesley: "Apparently she managed to break a policeman's jaw with his own handcuffs before she disappeared into the night."
Cordy: "Hmm. For Faith, that is charm." She unlocks the door and opens it, but it slams back shut. Looks at Wesley. Tries again - same thing.
Cordy: "Phantom Dennis, let us in. It's all right. It's only Wesley." She tries again, this time the door stays open. They enter and Cordy turns on the light.
Wesley: "Dennis, your ghost, I presume?"
Cordy: "Yes. He's jealous. (To the air) Don't worry. Hell will freeze over before I have s*x with him."
Wesley: "Thank goodness for small favors. - I'm going to try calling Angel again."
Cordy: "Okay. I'm going to pack a bag."
Wesley dialing: "Cordelia, please, just a few things. We're not going on safari."
Faith: "I've got a little problem. - I don't feel Angel's in the game. But, somehow, I feel you guys are the key. (Wesley hangs up the phone) Now what can I do to *really* make him hate me?"
Wesley: "Faith."
Faith: "Shut up, Wesley."
Wesley: "It's not too late."
Faith: "For cappuccino? 'cause it just keeps me up."
Wesley: "It's not too late to let me help you."
Cordy: "Yes. We want to help you."
Wesley: "I realize there have been failures, on both sides. - But I also believe in my heart that you are not a bad person." Faith elbows Cordy in the face dropping her.
Faith: "What do you believe in your heart now?" Wesley hits her with a right cross. Faith comes back up holding her lip: "Alright, Wes! - My turn." She kicks him across the room.
Cut to Angel walking along a street in Borsa at night. A woman and three men come out of an inn.
Angel: "Mia foame. (I am hungry)"
Man: "Get away!"
Woman: "Leave him alone. He is just a beggar." Man throws a coin at Angel: "Here have a pint on us." Angel picks the money off the ground and throws it back at the man: "I don't want your money!"
Man: "How dare you!"
Angel in vamp face: "I want her."
Woman: "He is a monster! He is a monster!" Angel as the three guys drag him into the alley: "I am a monster! I am a monster!" We hear the sounds of fighting. One of the men comes flying through the air past the woman.
Woman into the alley: "Rudolph? Are you all right? Rudolph?" Angel comes out of the alley, grabs the woman and drags her into the alley. He pushes her up against a wall and sinks his teeth into her neck.
Cut to Angel entering Cordy's apartment. He hear moaning and runs over to where Cordy is just coming to (he is no longer wearing the suit but his normal clothes and long leather coat).
Angel: "Cordelia."
Cordy: "She was already here. I didn't know. I made - Wesley come with me, - just to get a couple of things. She was like an animal. - She said that you weren't in the game. There was nothing - we could do."
Angel: "Take it easy."
Cordy: "I'm sorry. (Takes a deep breath) What about Wesley, is he okay?"
Angel: "He's not here."
Cut to Wesley sitting gagged and bound to chair in the middle of a fairly nice apartment. He looks beaten up. Faith is slowly pacing in front of him, then suddenly jumps onto his lap. Wesley lets out a muffled scream. Faith licks two fingers and rubs the swelling under Wesley's right eye.
Faith: "All these little cuts and bruises - just bring out the mother in me. (She takes his face between her hands and slaps his cheek) Come on. Now, now, don't poop out on me, damn it! Otherwise this all just going to be over too fast, and you'll be dead and I'll be - bored. - Come on, Wesley! Where is that stiff upper lip? (Get off him) Now, we've only done one of the five basic torture groups. We've done blunt - but that still leaves sharp, cold, hot and loud. Have a preference? (Wesley looks at her and nods. Faith pulls the gag out of his mouth) Well, that great! It's always better with audience participation. - May I take your order please?" Wesley spits on the floor to one side of her.
Wesley: "I was your Watcher, Faith. - I know the real you - and eve if you kill me, there is just one thing I want you to remember."
Faith: "What's that, love?"
Wesley: "You - are a piece of sh.." Faith interrupts him, stuffing the gag back into his mouth: "You should talk, huh? I guess I'll just have to try a little harder." She walks over to a picture frame, smashes it on the table and picks up one of the glass shards.
Faith: "We'll switch to sharp for a while."
Cut to Cordy and Angel sitting in her apartment looking at a map of LA.
Cordy: "On Monday, - a guy was beaten up here, his wallet and car were stolen. He's still in the hospital. Four blocks over - is a restaurant where they had a major knock down drag out on Tuesday. Then here another guy ran into something he referred to as 'the bitch from hell,' who sent him home with paramedics. - That was on Wednesday."
Angel: "This was the first. Took his wallet and keys. Is he still in the hospital?"
Cordy: "Yeah. We were just gonna go down and talk to him."
Angel: "Where does he live?"
Cut to Faith sitting in the open window of the apartment looking at the bloodstained piece of glass in her hands. She lets it drop and listens to it shatter. Sighs.
Cut to Wesley still tied to the chair. Faith gets off the windowsill and comes over rubbing her hands together.
Faith: "That's refreshing. But I'm feeling a little cold. (Pats Wesley on the cheek) What do you say we warm the place up?" We see that there are several bloodstains now on Wesley's shirt. Faith goes into the kitchen and picks up a lighter.
Faith: "Did you ever wonder if things would have been different - if we'd never met. What if you'd had Buffy - and Giles would have been my Watcher? You think you'd still be here right now? Or would Giles be sitting in that chair? - Or is it just like fate. You know, there is no choice. You were gonna be here no matter what. - (Picks up a spray can) You think about that stuff? - Fate - and destiny. (Walks over to Wesley) I don't. (Depresses the top of the spray can and holds the lighter flame into the spray igniting it where Wesley can get a good look at the resulting flame shooting forth) Not that any of this is your own fault. (Flames again) Since this may be - the last chance we will have to unload on each other, I feel that it is kind of my duty to tell you that if you'd been a better Watcher, I might have been a more positive role model! (Flames again) - Face it, Wesley, you really were a jerk. Always walking around as if you had some great big stake rammed up your - English Channel. (Frowns and takes the gag out) - I think I want to hear you scream."
Wesley: "You never will."
Faith: "Admit it, Wesley, didn't you always kind of have the hots for me?" Faith flames again as the door burst form its hinges and Angel slowly walks in. Faith drops the can and lighter, pulls a knife and holds it against Wesley's throat.
Faith: "About time, soul-boy. Ready to play now?"
Angel: "I'm ready."
Cut to Angel stumbling out of the alley in Borsa.
Angel: "I can't. Oh god, I can't." The woman steps up to the corner of the alley breathing hard and leaning against the wall. As she watches him go she fingers the bite mark on her neck. Angel stumbles against a wall gasping, looking desperate, then moves on.
Cut to Faith: "Okay, you showed. But how do I know you are really in this? I mean if I kill him, would that help, or just be really funny?"
Angel: "You don't think I know what you're after? I do."
Faith: "You I have to kill. Wesley is just for the hell of it." Angel is slowly walking so Faith has to turn to keep facing him, which puts her beside Wesley instead of behind him.
Angel: "This isn't about Wesley. This is about you and me."
Faith: "No, baby, he's payback."
Angel: "For what? I thought you were happy with the way you are. By the way you never told me how much I'm worth dusted, just out of curiosity."
Faith: "15 000 plus expenses."
Angel: "You're kidding."
Faith: "Hey, I'm young, willing to work my way up."
Angel: "You feel young, - do you, Faith? - You're looking pretty worn out to me." Wesley throws himself back, toppling his chair and Angel instantly kicks Faith away from him. Wesley sees that Faith's knife is sticking point down in the wooden floor beside him. Faith picks up a piece of wood and attacks Angel. The slam each other around and Angel manages to get the impromptu stake away from Faith, tossing her onto the sofa, and breaks it over his knee.
Faith: "Is that all you got, vampire? Get in the game." She kicks the glass topped sofa table at his face and broken glass flies everywhere. She jumps him, wrapping her legs around his waist and slamming him against the wall. She keeps hitting him, and they both fall to the floor with Faith sitting on top.
Faith: "Come on, Angel! I thought you were bad!" He takes a hold of one of her wrists and tosses her off him. Faith tries to hit him with a floor lamp, but he avoids the hit, so she instead sweeps the feet out from under him as he gets up then catapults him over the sofa and across the room. She jumps over the sofa after him. Smashes a vase over his back then slams him into the ceiling. Wesley has shimmied around and is trying to cut his bonds using the knife stuck in the floor. Faith swings at Angel but he keeps ducking them, so instead she kicks him in the gut. Angel come back and hits her, she hits back then tosses him back over the sofa.
Faith: "You can't take me! No one can take me!" Faith jumps to kick him again as he gets up, but Angel intercepts her kick with a piece of furniture. Faith sends him flying across the room again, then smashes up a glass-shelving unit when Angel ducks her next kick. Angel slams Faith down on the floor then slides her headfirst across the room into a wall. Faith comes up with another piece of wood in her hand.
Faith: "Come on!" Angel tackles her and they both burst through the window, falling two stories to land on a trash-container lid. They roll off of it and Faith again throws Angel around.
Faith: "You're gonna die!" Wesley is almost done sawing through his ropes. Faith keeps hitting and kicking Angel. Halfway through this it starts to first rain then pour.
Faith: "You hear me? - You don't know what evil is! - I'm bad! - Fight back!" Wesley has freed his hands and is untying the other ropes. Faith keeps whaling on Angel, sometimes he ducks, sometimes the hits connect. Angel grabs a hold of her: "Nice try, Faith." He tosses her away from him. Then walks after her.
Angel: "I know what you want." She hits him and he hits back dropping her. She comes back up hitting and screaming, but not making much of a dent. Wesley leans out of the window and sees Faith beating up on Angel. He goes into the kitchen and grabs a butcher knife, then heads for the door. Angel as he dodges another hit: "I'm not gonna make it easy for you." Faith throws herself against Angel screaming: "I'm evil! I'm bad! I'm evil! Do you hear me? I'm bad! Angel, I'm bad! (She begins to sob, grabbing a hold of Angel's shirt and shaking him) I'm ba-ad. Do you hear me? I'm bad! I'm bad! I'm bad. Please. Angel, please, just do it." Wesley comes running out of the house.
Faith sobbing: "Angel please, just do it. Just do it. Just kill me. Just kill me." Angel wraps his arms around her shoulders and pulls her against him. She over balances them and they sink to their knees, Angel still holding her as she cries.
Angel: "Shh. It's all right. It's okay. I'm here. I'm right here. Shh." The camera shows the knife dropping from Wesley's hand as he stands in the pouring rain, staring at them, while Faith cries and thunder rumbles overhead. | Plan: A: Faith; Q: Who is hired to kill Angel? A: LA; Q: Where does Faith go in this episode? A: her darkness; Q: What is Faith struggling with? A: her life; Q: What is Faith fleeing from Sunnydale? A: another Wolfram and Hart case; Q: What does Angel ruin? A: a rouge Vampire Slayer; Q: What is Faith's profession? A: Faith's pain; Q: What does Angel identify with? A: self-hatred; Q: What is Faith driven by? A: control; Q: What is Faith careening out of as she goes after Angel and his friends? Summary: This episode brings Faith to LA. She's still struggling with her darkness and fleeing her life in Sunnydale. After Angel ruins another Wolfram and Hart case, they set out to get rid of him once and for all. And who better to do the job than Faith, a rouge Vampire Slayer? They hire her to kill Angel, unaware that Angel identifies with Faith's pain. Meanwhile, Faith is driven by self-hatred and is careening out of control as she goes after Angel and his friends. |
[Scene: Paige's apartment. Paige and Glen are lying on the bed staring out the window at the stars.]
Paige: Once upon a time, there lived a handsome prince who was about to marry a beautiful maiden. But an evil Enchantress with dark powers wanted the Prince for herself, so she could become Queen and rule the entire kingdom.
Glen: I hate her.
Paige: Really? I always kind of related to her.
Glen: Like I said, I love her. Then what happened?
Paige: Well, in order to pull off that kind of magic, the evil Enchantress had to wait for a sign that her powers were at their darkest.
Glen: A sign?
Paige: Mm-hmm. See in the stars. (She points to a pattern in the stars.) See the Prince, his sword, and the three stars that form his crown? Well, once the evil enchantress saw the sign, she locked away the beautiful maiden, and cast a spell on the unsuspecting Prince. "Bring together my Prince and me, let him fall on bended knee. I summon I summon " I can never remember the end of it.
Glen: Let me guess. The Prince defeats the evil Enchantress, he married the beautiful maiden, and they lived happily ever after, right?
Paige: Nah-mm. Actually, the evil Enchantress bore an heir, killed the Prince, and ruled the kingdom forever.
Glen: Well, what kind of fairy tale is that?
Paige: It's just one that kinda stayed with me for as long as I can remember. I told you I was a weird kid.
Glen: I need to get you out more, Paige.
Paige: It'd be easier if you were around more, Glen.
Glen: I'm around now. (They kiss.)
[Scene: Medieval times. A castle. A guard pushes Lady Julia inside. The evil Enchantress is standing in front of a dark window.]
Lady Julia: What is the meaning of this? How dare you summon me.
Enchantress: Forgive me for inconveniencing you at this late hour, Lady Julia. (The guard leaves.) Alas, I had no other choice. The stars have aligned.
Lady Julia: You don't frighten me Enchantress. The stars are on the side of good, not evil. Tomorrow, my Prince and I will marry and there is nothing that you can do to stop that. He loves me, not you.
Enchantress: Dark magic can change that.
(The Enchantress holds out her hands and smoke and a gust of wind blows Lady Julia against the wall. A portcullis drops down in front of her, locking her in.)
Lady Julia: Why are you doing this?
(The Enchantress walks out of the dark and she looks exactly like Paige.)
Enchantress: Because this is my destiny. Not yours.
Opening Credits
[Scene: Manor. Prue's room. Piper walks in and sits on the bed. She picks up a small gold necklace with the word 'Prue' on it. She puts on Prue's leather jacket and walks out of the room, closing the door behind her.]
[Cut to the kitchen. Piper is making a cup of coffee. Phoebe comes in with wet hair.]
Phoebe: Look at me. I look like a drowned rat. I need my blow dryer.
Piper: Pretend you're camping.
Phoebe: I hate camping.
Piper: Well, I hate instant coffee but I'm drinking it, aren't I?
(She takes a sip and pulls a face.)
Phoebe: We can't keep living with no electricity. It's medieval.
Piper: At least we're conserving energy.
Phoebe: Well, this is ridiculous. We have to figure out when the Shocker demon's gonna attack next and fast.
Piper: But we still need the Power of Three to vanquish him and unfortunately, number three lives across town.
(Phoebe walks over to the phone.)
Phoebe: I am going to call her.
(She picks up the phone.)
Piper: Not the cordless!
(Phoebe drops the phone and the Shocker demon escapes.)
Phoebe: Uh-oh.
(The Shocker demon is made of electricity in the shape of a person. It jumps on a table and throws electricity near them, blowing up a cupboard. He throws more electricity, this time hitting Piper and Phoebe. Piper gets up and uses her power and scares it through an electrical outlet. Piper kneels beside Phoebe.)
Piper: You okay?
Phoebe: No, I am not okay. Ow. Ow. Ow. This is so crazy. We have to call Paige and set up a time where she can come over and
Piper: Phoebe, we can't schedule vanquishes, okay? Demon attacks don't usually fit into the day planners.
Phoebe: Okay, then, what do you suggest?
Piper: I suggest that maybe, Paige move in with us.
(Piper goes and sits at the table.)
Phoebe: Wait. (She sits at the table.) W-what did you just say to me?
Piper: Well, she's gonna have to sooner or later, isn't she?
Phoebe: I never really thought about it. And I can't believe you, of all people, are actually suggesting it.
Piper: I am just trying to be practical. Besides, I am sick and tired of Leo watching over her day and night, protecting her from various demons. You know, I would actually like to see my husband again.
Phoebe: And I can understand that, but still that's a huge decision. Do you think we're ready for that?
Piper: All I know is that every demon who is out to impress the Source is attacking us. Which means we all need to be under one roof. Otherwise, we're too vulnerable.
Phoebe: I didn't mean are we ready as witches. I meant are we ready as sisters? I mean, what if we don't get along?
Piper: We didn't always get along with Prue either.
Phoebe: Yeah, but that's different. We grew up with her. Eventually we had to get along. I still half expect to see her walk through the door. Maybe it's just too soon.
Piper: Then there's only one way to find out.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Scene: Paige's apartment. Paige and Glen are asleep in bed. The alarm goes off.]
Paige: Oh my God, it's 9:00. I am so screwed.
Glen: (waking up) Mmm. Can't you just be a little late?
Paige: I'm already a little late.
Glen: Can't you be a lot late? Especially seeing as how I'm leaving tomorrow. (Paige sits up and wraps herself in a sheet.)
Paige: You're always leaving tomorrow, Glen. That's what you do. (She walks across the room with the sheet wrapped around her. She sees Glen staring at her.) What?
Glen: Nine to five isn't you, Paige. You've always had too adventurous a spirit to be pinned down.
Paige: Oh, yeah? Just drop by between K-2 and the Great Barrier Reef and you know this about me, do you?
(She walks into the bathroom.)
Glen: Your life could be a fairy tale. It doesn't have to end badly.
(Paige pokes her around the door.)
Paige: Who says it's going to?
Glen: Come to Australia with me, Paige. Just for the hell of it. Why not?
Paige: Because I've got too many responsibilities. That's why not.
Glen: You're 25-years-old. You've got the rest of your life ahead of you for that kind of crap. Just go for it. Dump your job, and come have fun with me.
(Paige walks out of the bathroom wearing a short skirt and her bra.)
Paige: As tempting as that sounds, I actually have things called responsibilities. (Paige sits on the bed.) It's not just my job. (She starts to put on her pink sweater.) I've got sisters now, and we've just got stuff we've got to do.
Glen: What stuff?
Paige: Stuff that keeps me pinned down.
(Glen moves closer to Paige.)
Glen: Is that a good thing or a bad thing?
Paige: I'm not sure yet. (They kiss.)
[Cut to outside in the hallway. Piper and Phoebe walk up to the front door. Leo orbs in front of them, just as Phoebe's about to knock and she knocks on him.]
Phoebe: Oh!
Leo: Hi.
Phoebe: Sorry.
Leo: Hey, what's up?
Piper: What's up? How about a kiss for your long-lost wife, huh?
Leo: Oh, right.
(He kisses her on the cheek.)
Piper: Hi.
Leo: Well, uh, bye.
Phoebe: Uh, what do you mean bye? We just got here.
Leo: Right, well, you know. I don't want to leave Paige unprotected.
Piper: Uh-huh. Is she home?
(Piper heads for the door but Leo stops her.)
Leo: Yeah, she's home. She's just a little, uh, indisposed at the moment.
Piper: W-wait, wait, you watched? What are you, like a peeping angel?
Leo: Well, I didn't see anything!
Piper: Uh?
Leo: All right, just a little, but how else am I supposed to protect her?
[Cut to inside. Paige and Glen are making out on the bed. Paige has her top off again. Phoebe barges in, covering her eyes. Piper runs in after her. Paige jumps up and covers her chest.]
Phoebe: Sorry to interrupt. Can't see a thing.
Piper: Phoebe!
Phoebe: Wh-
Paige: Piper, Leo, what the hell is going on?
Phoebe: I know this looks bad, but it's very important. Believe me. (Phoebe sees Glen.) Whoa.
(Piper smacks her on the arm.)
Glen: Who are they?
Paige: The soon to be ex-sisters I was telling you about.
(Phoebe smiles and waves.)
Piper: Okay, we're sorry, but you know, we didn't know "which" way to turn if you know what I mean.
Glen: Maybe I should go.
(He sits up.)
Leo: Oh, uh, here.
(He tosses Glen his jeans.)
Glen: Thanks. (He puts them on.)
Paige: I'm sorry about this Glen. This is horribly embarrassing.
Glen: No worries. You obviously got some responsibilities. Plane leaves tomorrow.
(He kisses her on the cheek and walks into the bathroom.)
Piper: Plane? What plane?
Paige: Never mind. This better be important.
Phoebe: I can't use my blow dryer.
Piper: So have you been attacked by the Shocker demon yet?
Leo: No she hasn't.
Paige: How would you know?
Phoebe: Oh, because he's been watching you for the last week or so for your own protection.
Paige: You've been watching me?
Leo: Well, I didn't see anything.
Phoebe: At least nothing very interesting.
Piper: Right.
Paige: That's it. Out!
(Paige gets out of bed.)
Piper: But-but-but we need to talk to you about the Shocker Demon because
Paige: Out!
Phoebe: We can't vanquish him without the Power of Three.
Paige: Out!
Piper: And you're not at the manor, so, ever (Paige slams the door shut.)
[Cut to the hallway.]
Phoebe: I think that went fairly well.
[Cut to Paige.]
Paige: Unbelievable.
[Scene: Medieval Times. Castle. The Enchantress' bedroom. The Enchantress and a Prince are there. The Enchantress is in her nightgown.]
Prince: Where is she? What have you done to my beloved?
Enchantress: You mean I'm not your beloved? Ooh, I'm crushed.
(The Prince draws his sword and points it at her.)
Prince: Your dark magic doesn't scare me, Enchantress. Tell me where she is and I might spare your life.
Enchantress: Very well. (She pushes the tip of his sword down and moves closer to him.) "Bring together my Prince and me, let him fall on bended knee, I summon him to my side, that he may take me to be his destined bride."
(The Prince puts his sword away and kneels in front of her.)
Prince: My love. (He kisses her hand.) I am forever yours.
(He stands up and walks behind her. He kisses her neck.)
Enchantress: As will be your kingdom once I conceive an heir.
(They walk over to the bed and lay down.)
[Cut to the manor. Paige is knocking on the door. Piper opens it.]
Piper: Alright! Calm down!
(Paige walks in.)
Paige: At least I knocked.
Piper: Oh.
(Phoebe comes in from the living room.)
Phoebe: Hey, Paige.
Paige: I'm not here to talk to either of you. I'm just here to look at the Book of Shadows. (She heads for the stairs.)
Phoebe: Hey, hey, we said we were sorry.
Paige: Yeah, right. (She starts going up the stairs.)
Piper: What do you think about moving in with us? (Paige stops.)
Phoebe: Oh-uh...
Paige: Excuse me?
Piper: Well, that's what we came to talk to you about. You know, we're tired of getting attacked by demons here and not being able to do anything about it.
Phoebe: Yeah. But we could do something about it if we were together. You know, if we lived together 'cause that's when we're the strongest. What do you say?
Paige: Are you two out of your freaking minds? (She storms upstairs.)
Piper: Don't people usually storm out of the house when they're angry?
[Cut to the attic. Paige is flipping through the Book of Shadows. Piper and Phoebe walk in.]
Phoebe: So, you're not even gonna consider this?
Paige: Nope.
Piper: Why not?
Paige: Because if it was that easy for you guys to barge into my room all the way across town, imagine how easy it would be if I actually lived here.
Piper: Okay, could you stop looking at the book for a second?
Paige: No. It's my book too.
Piper: If you lived here, you could look at it all the time. (Paige looks up at them.)
Paige: I understand why you guys are asking me, I really, really do. It's just, I don't want being a witch to take over my life. It's just too much responsibility.
Phoebe: I know it is, Paige. And believe me, I freaked out in the beginning too. But I didn't have a choice, and neither do you.
Paige: Why not? Aren't you the one who told me I should fight like hell to keep my life separate from magic?
Piper: Unfortunately, it doesn't always work out that way.
Paige: Well, maybe it would if I didn't live here.
Phoebe: If you're looking for the Shocker demon spell, we already found it.
Paige: I'm not. I'm looking for something else.
Piper: What? Look, you may not want to share a bathroom, but when it comes to that book, it concerns all of us.
Phoebe: Besides that, maybe we can help. (Phoebe goes over to Paige.)
Paige: Okay. I know it sounds stupid, but when I was little, I invented this horrible little fairy tale and it just always seemed really real to me. I don't know. Just (Paige turns to a page with "The Evil Enchantress" written on it.) Oh my God.
Phoebe: The Evil Enchantress?
Paige: That's it. That's-that's the evil witch, the one who kills the Prince after he gets her pregnant, of course.
Piper: Of course. (Piper stands beside her.)
Paige: The spell. I can't believe it. (She looks at the next page "To Call a Lover to Oneself".) "Bring together my Prince and me, let him fall on bended knee, (Piper and Phoebe true to stop her.) I summon him to my side, that he may take me to be his destined bride." I finally got to finish it.
[Cut to the castle. The Enchantress is lying on the bed. A gust of wind blows around the Prince and he disappears.]
Enchantress: No!
[Cut back to the attic. A gust of wind blows and the Prince appears. He looks around. He sees Paige and kneels down.]
Prince: My love.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Scene: Manor. Paige runs into the kitchen. The Prince follows, followed by Piper and Phoebe.]
Prince: Why do you run from me?
Paige: Why are you chasing me?
Prince: Because we are meant to be together.
Paige: That is not true. Does this look like King Arthur's court, buddy?
Prince: It doesn't matter. We're meant to conceive an heir, my love.
Paige: Ugh. Stop saying that.
Phoebe: You guys want some privacy?
Paige: This is not funny. (The Prince walks over to her.) Plate. (A plate orbs into her hand and she breaks it over his head. He groans and kneels down.)
Phoebe: Oh!
Paige: I'm sorry. Did I hurt you?
Prince: You could never hurt me, my love. (He starts kissing her hand.)
Paige: Piper, do that thing you do.
Piper: I-I don't want to blow him up.
Paige: Well, risk it. He's using his tongue. (Piper freezes him. Paige pulls her hand away and wipes it on her top.) Thank God chivalry is dead. He is getting on my last nerve.
Phoebe: Okay, well, he must be under some kind of spell.
Piper: Gee, you think?
Paige: The evil Enchantress. She cast a love spell on him.
Piper: So why is Sir Lust-a-lot lusting after you?
Paige: How should I know?
Piper: Well, because it's your damn fairy tale and it's alive and frozen in our kitchen.
(Paige walks out of the kitchen.)
Phoebe: Uh, where are you going?
Paige: I can't handle this. (Piper and Phoebe follow her. She heads for the door.)
Piper: Wait, Paige, you can't just leave.
Paige: Yes I can. I don't live here.
(Phoebe sighs.)
Phoebe: Paige.
Paige: What?
Phoebe: Look, you can't keep running away from these things. (Paige opens the front door.) That's what we're trying to tell you. Being a witch is not a part-time job.
Paige: Yeah, well, if I don't leave now, I'm not going to have a full-time job. (Paige leaves.)
Piper: Paige, the Charmed Ones come first!
Phoebe: The Charmed Ones come first?
Piper: It always worked when Prue said it.
[Cut to the living room. The TV is on and the VCR is recording.]
Announcer on TV: The home also features a spacious kitchen complete with granite counter tops and state of the art confection oven. (Phoebe and Piper walk past.) The walk in pantry provides ample space
Piper: The VCR? Who set it to record? (The tape is ejected and the Shocker demon escapes out of the VCR. Piper uses her power and blows up the TV. The demon appears behind them. It throws electricity at Piper, throwing her over the couch. Phoebe levitates and kicks but the Shocker demon grabs onto her leg and starts electrocuting her. Piper gets up and pushes it out of the way using a coat stand. Phoebe falls on the floor. Piper uses her power and the demon escapes through the electrical outlet.) Phoebe.
Phoebe: I'm okay, I think. (Phoebe stands up.)
Piper: We've gotta convince Paige to move in with us soon before there's nobody left to move in with.
Phoebe: I guess we need a new TV.
Piper: Oh, the Prince.
Phoebe: The Prince. (They go into the kitchen. The Prince is gone.) He's gone? What? Did he go back to fairy tale land?
Piper: No such luck. The back door is wide open. So he probably went after Paige.
(Phoebe gets a bottle of water out of the fridge.)
Phoebe: He left? So he's just wondering around in chain mail?
Piper: It's San Francisco. Nobody will notice.
Phoebe: Well, sooner or later, somebody's gonna notice and the medieval trail's going to lead them right back to us.
Piper: All right, you try scrying for him and if that doesn't work, I'll have Leo orb Paige back here and hopefully the Prince will follow.
Phoebe: Maybe we should try a different approach with her.
Piper: She's not gonna come back here voluntarily.
Phoebe: No. I mean about getting her to move in. Maybe it's too soon for her too.
[Scene: A junkyard. The Prince is standing in front of the garbage truck. He draws his sword and starts attacking it. The man inside the truck gets out with a bat.]
Garbage Man: Hey, moron! What are you doin'? What kind of problem you got, huh? All right buddy. Come on. On your way. I don't have time for this.
(The Prince slices the bat with his sword. The man gets frightened and drops the bat. The Prince points the sword at the man's neck.)
Prince: Swallow and you'll not speak again. Now what is this metallic beast? How do you harness it's power?
Garbage Man: What?
Prince: You will use it to take me to my beloved, where I feel her heart's pull. Questions?
[Scene: Medieval times. Castle. Lady Julia is still locked up. The Enchantress is making a potion.
Lady Julia: I have one. If good magic rescued my Prince from you, what makes you think he'll return?
Enchantress: I don't. That's why I plan on following his footsteps and bringing him back. After I destroy the good magic that intervened, of course.
Lady Julia: And what makes you think that you can?
Enchantress: Oh, I don't know. (The portcullis rises.) Because I'm petty, and evil, and vindictive. But most of all (She walks over to Lady Julia.) I'm determined. (She puts a knife under Lady Julia's chin.)
Lady Julia: I am the object of his true love. Your spell only appropriated it. Kill me and you break the spell.
Enchantress: I know. I know. (She cuts off a piece of Lady Julia's hair.) That's why I needed this. For my potion to work.
(She walks over to the cauldron. The portcullis drops down.)
Lady Julia: You cannot do this.
Enchantress: One thing you need to know about me, Lady Julia. Nobody tells me what to do.
(She drops the hair in the potion and it explodes.)
[Scene: South Bay Social Services. Copy room. Paige and Leo are there.]
Paige: Nobody tells me what to do, Leo. And besides, I'm still mad at you for watching over me. I deserve better than that, especially from you.
Leo: Well, I'm a guardian, Paige. That's what I do. Especially during times like this when it's dangerous for you to be alone.
Paige: It's a fairy tale, not a horror movie.
Leo: Well, I was talking about the Shocker demon.
Paige: Well, yeah, he's not half as scary as Prince charming coming after me though.
Leo: All the more reason why you should be staying with Phoebe and Piper. (Paige picks up a folder.)
Paige: What if I don't want to? What if I want to climb a mountain or go dive the Great Barrier Reef, huh?
Leo: What?
Paige: Look, I've had a blast being a witch. I like the spells, like the potions. I'm even getting used to orbing, but god, I've just had enough. (She starts to leave.)
Leo: Well, there is no enough, Paige. (Paige stops and turns around.) This is who you are. You know that. Why are you running from it?
Paige: Oh gee, I don't know. Being hunted by the Source, ducking the Furies, and being shrunk by a psycho demon, not to mention being chased after by my bedtime stories. I don't know why I wouldn't want the rest of my life to be just like that.
Leo: You're not alone anymore. You have sisters now.
Paige: Yeah. Sisters who are pressuring me to move in with them for all the wrong reasons.
Leo: What is that supposed to mean?
Paige: Nothing. Forget about it. Look, it's just sometimes I feel like they want me to Prue, super witch. And I can't. I don't know how.
Leo: Yeah, I don't think they think that.
Paige: Oh, yeah? Have you checked out her room? It's a shrine. It doesn't seem to me like they're ready yet and it's a pretty tough act to follow. Don't make me go back there, Leo. Not just yet, okay? I just need some time. (Paige leaves.) I'll call you if I need you.
[Cut to the manor. Living room. Phoebe's scrying. Piper walks in, on the phone.]
Piper: Darryl. Darryl. Darryl! Slow down. Okay, car jackings happen all the time. Why are you calling us? (listens) A garbage truck? (She sits down on the couch.) At sword point. We'll get back to ya. (She hangs up.)
Phoebe: Please don't tell me that the police found him.
Piper: Not yet. How about you?
Phoebe: Nothing. I mean, he's not a witch and he's not a demon, so
Piper: All right. Le..! (Leo orbs in.) O. Hi.
Leo: Hi.
Phoebe: Where's Paige?
Leo: Paige? She didn't wanna come.
Piper: She what? Did you explain the situation to her?
Leo: Yes.
Piper: And she still refused to come? Leo, we are up to our pointy little hats in demonic problems here. We need her.
Leo: She knows that.
Phoebe: I don't understand. We're her sisters.
Leo: Yeah, but that's not the reason you need her.
Piper: Is there more to that or are you just gonna leave us hanging?
Leo: Look, I don't want to get in the middle of this, this is between you guys. But I will tell you that just wanting her to battle demons with you isn't enough of a reason to get her to move in.
Piper: It's a pressing reason.
Phoebe: But it's not a sisterly one.
Leo: Look, in the meantime, you need to find the Prince before he exposes you. So I suggest you check with the Book of Shadows and get up to speed on Paige's fairy tale and I will check with the Elders and see what they know. (He orbs out.)
[Cut back to South Bay Social Services. The Prince walks in and pushes a guy out of the way.]
[Cut to the copy room. Paige looks out and opens the door. The Prince walks in.]
Prince: At last, I found you.
Paige: How?
Prince: I followed your heart, my love. (She pulls him in the room and closes the door.)
Paige: You can't be here. You need to leave right now before security comes.
Prince: I will not leave until you are with child.
Paige: Okay, A) I always use protection and B) you're a fairy tale.
(The Prince reaches out to touch her cheek and she backs away.)
Prince: I won't harm you.
Paige: Just keep that sword of yours sheathed pal.
(She backs into the photocopier and accidentally turns it on. The Shocker demon escapes out of it and starts electrocuting Paige. The Prince gets out his sword and slices the demon. Paige falls to the floor. The Shocker demon escapes though the electrical outlet. The Prince helps Paige up.)
Prince: Fear not. I've slain the beast, my love.
Paige: You most certainly have. (Mr. Cowan bangs on the door.)
Mr. Cowan: Hey, Paige! Paige, you all right in there?
Prince: I will stay forever by your side. Every moment of every day, you would know you were protected, desired, loved.
Paige: That's so sweet.
Mr. Cowan: Paige! Paige! (He gets the door open.) Paige, what the hell is going on? W-who is this guy?
Paige: Um, Renaissance Fair. Yeah, we're trying to score tickets for the orphanage. See ya.
(Paige and the Prince leave.)
[Scene: Manor. Attic. Piper and Phoebe are there. Piper is lighting some candles and Phoebe is looking through the Book of Shadows.]
Piper: I don't see what the big deal is. You'd think she'd want to move in here, considering the dump she lives in.
Phoebe: Piper.
Piper: Just wait till the Shocker Demon attacks her, then she might not be so resistant to the idea.
Phoebe: "Defiant, clever, and independent." That kinda describes Paige, don't you think?
Piper: Yeah, along with stubborn, stubborn, and more stubborn. (Piper goes over to Phoebe.)
Phoebe: All right, listen to this. "A powerful witch who came to the craft late but learned to use it quickly." I'm telling you, this is Paige.
Piper: What are you gettin' at?
Phoebe: Well, don't you think that it's a huge coincidence that Paige's fairy tale just happens to be in the Book of Shadows and that this Prince just happens to show up in the 21st century head over heels in love with her?
Piper: Connect the dots will you?
Phoebe: Okay, what if it's not a fairy tale? What if it's a memory? Paige's memory from a past life?
Piper: Now you're reachin'.
Phoebe: No. I don't think so. I mean my past life came back to bite me on the butt. Why can't Paige's? Think about it. What if Paige was the evil Enchantress, once upon a time?
Piper: But (She loooks at the page.) The Enchantress' power was to conjure the elements. Paige can't do that. (A portal opens up in the attic.) This doesn't look good. (The Enchantress walks out of the portal and blows Piper and Phoebe off their feet.) Paige!
Enchantress: Where is the Prince?
Phoebe: Still think I'm reaching?
Piper: I don't believe this.
(The Enchantress throws a lightning ball at them and they run out of the attic.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Scene: Manor. Kitchen. Phoebe is there putting out a small fire with a fire extinguisher. Piper runs in and puts out a fire on the chair.]
Piper: I got it! Living room's clear.
(She puts down the fire extinguisher.)
Phoebe: So is the kitchen. Why do you think she left so suddenly? (She puts down her fire extinguisher.) What, did trashing our house become too boring for her?
Piper: She probably realised we don't have the Prince. Great. It's not like we're having enough problems with Paige. We have to deal with her past life, too? (Leo orbs in.)
Leo: Okay, I found out about the Prince. What the hell happened here?
Phoebe: Paige's past life almost killed us. That's what happened here.
Leo: What?
Piper: Yeah. Paige, the evil Enchantress, same soul, different lifetime. She came through some magical portal looking for Prince carjack.
Leo: Okay, well, you have to stop her. You can't let her find him. According to the Elders, if she conceives his heir, dark magic will rule his kingdom forever. History will be rewritten. Your future
Piper: Will be screwed. The world will plunge into darkness. Yadda, yadda, yadda!
Phoebe: Okay, that's not helping. (to Leo) So if we vanquish Past Paige, don't we risk vanquishing our Paige too?
Leo: Possibly.
Piper: Well, then fine. We won't vanquish her. We'll bind her powers and send her back in time, hopefully a virgin. Okay. Let's get some candles. We have a potion to concoct.
[Scene: South Bay Social Services. Copy room. The Enchantress is there. She picks up a necklace.]
Enchantress: What lures you to this time, my Prince? Who beckons thee?
Mr. Cowan: Paige? (He walks in.) What are you still doing here so late? Thought you'd left already.
Enchantress: What name did you call me?
Mr. Cowan: Don't tell me you're in the fair too. Don't forget to lock up. (She goes in the office.) See you in the morning. On time would be nice for once.
(He leaves. The Enchantress picks up a photo of Paige and a co-worker.)
Enchantress: Looking forward to meeting you, Paige.
[Scene: Paige's apartment. Paige is sitting on the couch. The Prince kneels down.]
Paige: I still can't believe that you exist, that you're actually real. I always wanted to save you from the evil Enchantress so you could live happily ever after.
Prince: Be with me and I shall. Come with me. Live in my castle as my princess.
Paige: What is it with everyone wanting me to move in with them?
Prince: I can give you all the riches you desire. I can take you away from all of this.
Paige: As tempting as that is, I know it's just the spell talking.
Prince: But isn't that what true love is? (He sits down next to her.) Falling under someone's spell? Just tell me what you want and I'll give it to you. I swear.
Paige: Can you make me as good as Prue was?
Prince: Uhh...
Paige: Never mind. You wouldn't understand.
Prince: Try me. (He leans in to kiss her. Leo orbs in with Piper and Phoebe.)
Piper: Hey!
(Piper freezes the Prince. Paige gasps and stands up quickly.)
Paige: What is going on with this barging in thing? This is getting ridiculous.
Piper: Sorry. Thought he was attacking you.
Paige: He was kissing me. It's called kissing. And what are you doing here anyway? I told you I'd call if I needed to.
Leo: Well, something's come up. Something you're not gonna like.
Paige: Something worse than this?
Phoebe: The evil Enchantress is here, in our world. She nearly killed us trying to get to him.
Paige: Oh my God. (Paige sits down.)
Piper: Actually that's not the worse part. Remember how we were wondering how she cast a spell on him, but he fell for you?
Paige: Yeah.
Phoebe: Well, that's because you're her. Well, I mean she-she's
Piper: You uh, her help.
Leo: Look, what she means is that you were the evil Enchantress in one of your past lives. So when you read the spell in the Book of Shadows, he came.
Piper: And that's also why you remember the fairy tale so well. Because you've actually lived it once before.
Paige: Okay! I can deal with this. Yeah. No wonder I related to her the most. Does this mean I'm evil?
Piper: Yeah.
Phoebe: No!
Piper: No.
Phoebe: No. Not you. Just your past self. You've grown and evolved. Believe me, we we all have. That's what we do.
Paige: Right.
Piper: So, the plan is to bind the Enchantresses powers with this little potion.
(Piper, Phoebe, and Leo hold up a little bottle.)
Paige: I'll do it.
(She stands up and takes Piper's bottle.)
Piper: All right. Then we'll
Paige: No. I mean by myself. I put you guys in danger. I'll get you out of it. It's my story. I have to end it once and for all.
Leo: But you don't even know how to find the Enchantress.
Paige: Well, she's after the Prince, right? I'll just backtrack and surprise her.
Phoebe: There's no reason for you to do this alone. It's not just your story anymore. You've got sisters now.
Piper: But, uh, if you wanna do it by yourself, then go for it.
Paige: I do.
Piper: Yeah. If that's what you want, we'll be here. Uh, with the Prince. (Paige leaves.)
Phoebe: Why'd you let her go?
Piper: Because it's time we realise we can't make her do something she doesn't want to do.
[Cut to the street. Paige gets in her car. She sees the Enchantress walking down the street towards her. She starts the car and tries to drive towards her but the Enchantress uses her power and blows the car back. The car tyres pop. Paige gets out.]
Enchantress: Don't tell me I become good in the future.
Paige: Damn good.
(She throws the potion towards her, but the Enchantress zaps it with her power.)
Enchantress: And here I was so looking forward to meeting myself.
(She blows Paige onto her car and smashes the windscreen. She is knocked unconscious.)
[Cut to Paige's apartment. Piper looks at Leo.]
Piper: What is it?
Leo: Something's wrong. Paige is in trouble.
Piper: Well go, go, go!
(Leo orbs out. The Enchantress barges inside.)
Enchantress: Remember me?
[Cut to the street. Leo orbs in and heals Paige. Paige wakes up.]
Leo: What happened?
Paige: Uh evil Enchantress. (A bright light shines out of Paige's apartment.) Oh no. (Leo helps her off the car.)
[Cut back to Paige's apartment. Piper and Phoebe dive over the bed.]
Enchantress: Come to me, my Prince.
(A portal opens in the room. The Prince walks through. The Enchantress sends a gust of wind towards Piper and Phoebe and walks through the portal.)
Phoebe: We can't just let them get away.
Piper: What are we supposed to do? Go back to the middle ages, the dark ages, or whatever hell ages those are?
Phoebe: If we don't, good magic will be gone forever.
(Piper jumps through the portal. Leo and Paige walk in.)
Paige: No. (Phoebe jumps through the portal. The portal closes.) What have I done?
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Scene: Paige's apartment. Leo is looking at where the portal opened.]
Paige: This is all my fault. Piper and Phoebe were crazy to trust me. Why didn't I listen to them?
Leo: Now is not the time to lose it, Paige. We need to get them back.
Paige: Get them back? What do we do? Hop on a bus to Medieval times?
Leo: Paige, concentrate. You're a powerful witch, whether you like it or not.
Paige: Yeah, well, I wasn't powerful enough to take out the Enchantress, was I?
Leo: You know, one thing your past life should tell you is that you've always been powerful. You still have that power inside of you. Don't be afraid to tap into it now. (Paige sighs.)
Paige: Okay. This is my fairy tale, right?
Leo: Yes.
Paige: This all started with a spell that brought the Prince here, so maybe if I rearrange it a little? What if instead of bringing the Prince to me, I bring myself to him?
Leo: Creating your own portal?
Paige: It's worth a shot. "Bring together my Prince and me, his kingdom now I wish to see, crossing history to his side, from myself I will not hide." (The portal opens up.) Oh my God. I did it. It worked. (Paige goes through the portal. Leo goes over to it. Paige pops her head out.) Come on. I'm not doing this by myself. (She pulls Leo in the portal.)
[Cut to the castle. Piper and Phoebe are chained to a wall. Lady Julia is locked behind the portcullis.]
Phoebe: So are you still glad you told Paige to go for it?
Piper: Hey, you were the one that wanted us to be more sisterly towards her.
Phoebe: Yes, but not at the expense of being trapped in the Dark Ages where our powers are useless.
Lady Julia: You know, I still don't understand who you are. W-what land did you come from?
Phoebe: Disneyland. Future world.
Piper: Phoebe. (to Lady Julia) We're witches and we have the potion that will stop the Enchantress.
Phoebe: Yeah, let's go get her. Oops! We can't, because we're chained to a wall!
[Cut to the Enchantress' bedroom. The Prince is lying on the bed. The Enchantress walks in in her nightgown. Paige and Leo peek around the corner near by.]
Paige: Okay, find Phoebe and Piper. I'll try to hold her off till they get here.
Leo: How? Your powers don't work in the past.
Paige: Yeah, but if we really are one in the same, I should be able to tap into hers. Hurry. Go get my sisters.
(Leo walks away. The Enchantress lays on the bed with the Prince.)
[Cut to Piper and Phoebe. Leo comes in.]
Leo: Piper!
Piper: Leo!
Leo: Phoebe!
(He runs over and tries to unlock the locks.)
Piper: Oh! Easy, easy.
(A guard comes up behind Leo.)
Phoebe: Behind you!
(The guard pushes Leo away. Leo grabs a sword off the wall and starts sword fighting with the guard. The guard trips Leo.)
[Cut to the bedroom. Paige walks in.]
Paige: Hi. (The Enchantress turns around.) I hate to interrupt myself at a time like this.
(The Enchantress stands up.)
Enchantress: How did you get here?
Paige: I'm charmed.
Enchantress: Not for long.
(Paige and the Enchantress try to zap each other.)
[Cut to the other room. Leo is still fighting with the guard. Leo blocks the guard's attack and knocks him out.]
Piper: Nice!
Phoebe: Wow.
(Leo goes over to them.)
Piper: Leo.
Phoebe: I thought you were a pacifist.
Leo: I didn't kill him, did I?
(Leo unlocks the chains.)
Piper: I-I gotta tell you, I find this side of you very sexy.
Leo: Really?
Piper: Yeah.
Phoebe: You've been holding out on us.
Piper: Hi.
Leo: Hi.
(They hear a zap coming from the bedroom.)
Phoebe: What's that sound?
Piper: Paige. Potion! Potion! Potion!
[Cut to the bedroom. The Enchantress tries to zap Paige.]
Prince: Don't hurt her.
(She blows the Prince off his feet. Piper, Phoebe and Leo walk in.)
Paige: Throw the potion! (Paige blows the Enchantress off her feet.) Now!
(Piper and Phoebe throw the bottles of potion and they explode in front of her. She tries to use her power but nothing happens.)
Enchantress: What have you done to me?
Leo: We've bound your powers, Enchantress.
Phoebe: No more kingdom come for you.
Piper: Not for you.
Enchantress: How could you do this to me? To us?
Paige: I didn't do it. We did it.
(Lady Julia runs in and helps up the Prince. They kiss.)
Piper: Oh. (Piper looks away.)
Prince: I am well, my love.
Phoebe: My love. Looks like it takes the kiss of true love to break the spell.
Paige: It's in every fairytale.
Piper: All right, super witch. Get us out of here. (They leave.)
[Cut to Paige's apartment. The portal opens and they step out of it. Paige sees the mess.]
Paige: Okay, so I won't be getting my security deposit back.
Piper: Yeah. Too bad you don't have any other place to stay.
Phoebe: It's no pressure. It's totally up to you, whenever you're ready.
Piper: Yeah, who needs electricity anyway?
Paige: I wouldn't have to stay in the basement would I?
(Piper and Phoebe laugh.)
Piper: No. Of course not. I think we have a room for you.
[Scene: Prue's old room. Now known as Paige's room. Paige opens the door and Piper and Phoebe walk in.]
Paige: Tada! What do ya think?
Piper: Wow. It's definitely different.
Phoebe: It's definitely you.
Paige: Is that a good thing?
Phoebe: Of course it's a good thing.
Paige: Good, 'cause I was actually thinking the living room could use a little spicing up.
Piper: Don't push it.
(Someone knocks on the front door.)
Phoebe: Oh, I hope that's not another one of your past lives.
Paige: No, it's just Glen. I asked him to drop by.
Phoebe: Oh, the cute guy from the apartment? He's yummy.
Paige: Yeah, he is, but he's gonna have to be yummy in Australia. He's leaving. He asked me to go with but, I decided to pass.
Piper: Oh, are you disappointed?
Paige: A little, but it's not like I'll be lacking in adventures here. Speaking of which. (She stands near the light switch.) Shall we?
Phoebe: Hit it. (Paige turns on the light. The Shocker demon escapes out.)
Piper, Phoebe, Paige: "Vanquish we three witches cry, one final shock and then you die."
(The Shocker demon is vanquished.)
Paige: Okay. Piece of cake. Gotta go. And don't forget... if you need me, please knock.
(She leaves her room.)
Piper: And they lived happily ever after. (Phoebe puts her arm around Piper.)
Phoebe: Yeah, right.
Piper: Right.
(They walk out of the room.) | Plan: A: Paige's favorite (self-made) childhood fairy tale; Q: What story did Paige never remember being able to recall parts of? A: Paige; Q: Whose favorite childhood fairy tale suddenly becomes real? A: her past life; Q: What does Paige's favorite childhood fairy tale bring her face-to-face with? A: Medieval times; Q: Where was Paige's past life as an Evil Enchantress? A: time; Q: What do Phoebe and Piper go back to to vanquish the Evil Enchantress? A: the arms; Q: What part of a knight in shining armor does Paige find herself in? A: the Dark Ages; Q: Where did Phoebe and Piper get trapped in? A: Piper and Phoebe; Q: Who suggested that Paige move into the manor with them? A: an electrical demon; Q: What do Piper and Phoebe have to fight? A: the Power of Three; Q: What spell do Piper and Phoebe need to defeat the electrical demon? Summary: Paige's favorite (self-made) childhood fairy tale-which she could never remember being able to recall parts of suddenly becomes real, bringing her face-to-face with her past life as an Evil Enchantress from Medieval times and into the arms of a knight in shining armor. Phoebe and Piper go back in time to vanquish the Evil Enchantress and end up trapped in the Dark Ages , leaving Paige and Leo to rescue them. At the same time, Piper and Phoebe have to periodically fight an electrical demon who is plaguing them, but they need the Power of Three spell to vanquish it. Piper and Phoebe put forward the idea to Paige that she should move into the manor with them. |
Teleplay: Sherry Bilsing - Graham & Ellen Plummer
Story: Brian Buckner & Sebastian Jones
[Scene: Central Perk - Chandler, Monica, Phoebe, Ross and Rachel are sitting on the sofas. Joey enters]
Joey: Monica, hey, can I borrow the Porsche?
Monica: Ok.
Joey: Alright!
Monica: But ehm...what is it not?
Joey: (abashed) A place to entertain my lady friends.
Monica: And what else is it not?
Joey: (even more abashed) A place to eat spaghetti.
Monica: Very good! (Gives him the keys) What do you need it for anyway?
Joey: Oh well, the powerball lottery is upto 300 million and they don't sell tickets here in New York, so...
Rachel: Oh! So you're driving up to Connecticut?
Joey: (hesitates for a moment)Yeah Connecticut...Not West Virginia.
Monica: Hey, maybe I'll drive you up there! I'd like to buy some tickets myself!
Joey: Uh!
Monica: Yeah with Chandler not getting paid, we could really use 300 million dollars.
Chandler: Yeah, because if I was at my old job we'd say 300 million? No thank you!
Phoebe: Hey will you get me tickets too?
Rachel: Yeah me too. oh! I have an idea. Why don't we all pitch in 50 bucks, we'll pool our money together and then if we win, we'll split it!
Everyone almost simultaneously except Ross: yeah thats a great idea!
Ross: No thanks!
Phoebe: You don't wanna win the lottery?
Ross: (in a mocking voice)Uh...sure I do, and I also wanna be King of my own country and find out what happened to Amelia Earhart.
Chandler: Still on Amelia Earhart?
Ross: The woman just vanished!
Joey: Seriously, Ross, you don't want in on this?
Ross: No! Do you know what your odds are of winning the lottery? I...I mean you have a better chance of being struck by lightning 42 times.
Chandler: Yes but there's six of us so we'd only have to get struck by lightning 7 times.
Joey: I like those odds!
Ross: Seriously you guys, I can't believe you're going to spend 250 dollars on the lottery, I mean that's such a bunch of boohaki.
Chandler: (looking around at the others)I'll ask. (To Ross) Boohaki?
Ross: Oh oh, we think Emma is about to start talking so we're trying to be careful about what words we use in front of her.
Rachel: Yeah so get ready to hear alot of ehm...boohaki, goshdarnit and brotherpucker.
Monica: How do you know she's gonna start talking?
Rachel: Well when I talk to her I almost feel like she understands what I'm saying.
Chandler: Kinda like Joey.
Joey: (who wasn't paying attention)What's that now? Opening credits
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment. Monica, Chandler, Rachel and Joey are in the kitchen]
Monica: God! Look at all these tickets! It's so exciting! You know I haven't won anything since the sixth grade.
Chandler: Pie eating contest?
Monica: Oh! You assume because I was heavy that's the only way I could win something?
Chandler: No, I saw a picture of you covered in blueberries.
Monica: (smiling)That was a good day!
(Suddenly Ross comes running into the apartment)
Ross: (yelling to Monica)They're towing your car, they're towing your car!!
Monica: I'm parked in a garage on Morton!
Ross: (panting)They're towing a car. And I am seeing...spots.
Joey: (sounding panicky)Oh my god Ross! You don't have Emma! And Rachel you don't have Emma! (Starts yelling) Where's Emma? Who has Emma!?
Rachel: Joey relax! My mother picked her up two hours ago. You were there!
Joey: (not yelling anymore)I was?
Racel: Yes and you talked to her...
Joey: I did?
Rachel: She dropped off a casserole?
Joey: Oh yeah! The casserole lady.
Monica: (to Ross)So, did you come by to watch us win the big bucks?
Ross: Yeah, uh... and then I figured after you win, we could all go out to the balcony and see a night rainbow with gremlins dancing on top of it!
(phone starts ringing and Chandler comes running out of the bathroom)
Chandler: (hysterical)Don't touch the phone! I'll get it, I'll get it, I'll get it!! (picks up the phone)
Ross: (to Monica)Think he washed his hands?
Chandler: (into receiver)Hello? Hey Charlie, what do you know?
Rachel: (to Monica)What's going on?
Monica: Chandler is supposed to find out if he's getting an assistent job at his ad agency. But out of the 15 interns, they are only hiring three.
Joey: Ooh! Tough odds!
Ross: (mockingly)Yeah if only it were a sure thing like your 24 state lottery!
Joey: (smiling)Look who's coming around!
Chandler: (still on the phone)Damnit. Alright call me when you know more.
Joey: (excited)Did you get it?
Chandler: One of the slots got filled.
Joey: (Still excited)By you!?
Chandler: Sense the tone! No that kid Nate got it.
Monica: Oh! I hate that guy! I mean come on kid! Pull up your pants!
Chandler: Yeah I know.
Rachel: Well, there's two spots left right?
Chandler: Yeah...I mean I want this so much! I mean, I wanna get one, I want my friend Charlie to get one...Except I don't care about Charlie.
(Phoebe enters)
Phoebe: (excited)Hey you guys! Ok, you're not going to believe this! I just saw my psychic and she said I was definitely gonna win the lottery tonight!
Monica: Hey that reminds me, I thought we could use some extra luck so I brought a wishbone home from work.
Ross: (mockingly)A psychic AND a wishbone? Guys! Give someone else a chance!
Monica: Alright, who wants to do it?
Phoebe: Oh can I? Vegetarians never get to do the wishbone. It's really not fair either! You know, just because we don't eat the meat doesn't mean we don't like to play with the carcasses!
Monica: Ok, hey Rach?
Rachel: Oh no, I'm good, I don't wanna get that turkey smell all over my hands.
Joey: I'll do it!! It'll get the casserole stink off of mine.
(Phoebe and Joey both grab one side of the wishbone)
Phoebe: I hope I win!
Monica: Well, it doesn't really matter ... you're both wishing for the same thing, right?
Joey: I can't tell you what I'm wishing for! Else...you know...won't come true!
Monica: Right! .. but we "know" what you're wishing for!
Joey: Can't really say!
Monica: I understand, but you're wishing for what we think you're wishing for, aren't you?
Joey: (slightly irritated)I'm not really comfortable with these questions!
Rachel, Chandler and Monica: Please, just do it!
Phoebe: One, two, three!
(they break the wishbone)
Joey: I won, hey!
Ross: You know what, I'm sure your wish is gonna come true, but, you guys - just in case, maybe a genie will come out if we rub this lamp! (rubs lamp, stops because it's very hot) Ah!! That thing gets hot!!
Rachel: You know, Ross, just keep making your jokes. How are you gonna feel if we actually do win?
Ross: Uh, you're not gonna win.
Rachel: Oh, I know, I know, the odds are against us, but somebody has to win, and it could be us! And then how you gonna feel? You know, we're gonna be all like "oh everybody, let's take our helicopters up to the cape" and you're gonna be all like "oh, I can't guys, I'll meet you guys up there, I gotta gas up the Hyundai"
Ross: Ok, I've heard myself on tape and I sound nothing like that.
Chandler: I can see the headline now: "Lottery winners' friend filled with regret eats own arm".
Ross: Why would I eat my own arm?
Chandler: Well you wouldn't, but we own the paper, we can print whatever we want.
Monica: You know what, Ross? I'm gonna throw in 50 bucks for you.
Ross: Why?
Monica: Because I know that you think the lottery is "boohaki" but we're all here and gonna watch the numbers and have fun. And you're my brother, and I want you to be a part of this.
Ross: You don't have to do that, I'll pay for myself. But just the fact that you want me to have fun with you guys - that's so sweet! Come here (they kiss and hug)
Phoebe: Get a room!
Chandler: Ok, so now that you're in, what are you gonna do if we win?
Ross: I don't know, probably just invest it.
Chandler: Ooh! Calm down ...
Joey: Seriously, that's your fantasy? To invest it?
Ross: Oh, I'm sorry, did I say "invest it"? I meant "be cool and piss it all away" (Joey and Chandler pleased)
Joey: Ooh, ooh, I know! We should pool all own money and buy the Knicks!
Rachel: I don't really care about the Knicks.
Joey: Oh, you will when I pick you as starting forward.
Rachel: (touched) You would do that? I never get picked!
Chandler: You know, I'm not sure a sports team is the way to go.
Joey: You're not gonna let me buy the Knicks?? I can't believe you're taking this away from me!
Chandler: You're right, it has been you dream for over 15 seconds.
Ross: (to Rachel) Uh, how long until they announce the numbers, Mommy?
(pause)
Chandler: (looks around) I'll take this one too (to Ross) Uh ... Mommy?
Ross: Oh, I've gotten into the habit of calling Rachel "Mommy" when we're around Emma. Which I now realize we are not ...
Rachel: I'm hoping that if she hears it enough it will be her first word.
Ross: Although if we're gonna do that, we should probably call me "Daddy" too.
Phoebe: Oooh, I like that, "daddy" (in a sexy tone)
Ross: I ... I was just talking about Rachel.
Phoebe: (still in sexy tone) Oooh, is daddy getting angry? Is daddy gonna spank me?
Ross: (tries to be sexy too) Well that depends ... have you been a baaad gi .. (stops) no I can't.
(Phone rings, Chandler picks up)
Chandler: Hello? Hello? Oh, hey Charlie. Did anybody else hear? ... What? Susan got it?? How? Oh man, I would have slept with him!! .. Alright, bye. (hangs up)
Joey: Dude, I'm sorry. But hey, there's one spot left, right?
Chandler: Well no, Charlie's gonna get that.
Monica: Hey, don't say that! You got just as good a chance as anybody else of getting that job!
Chandler: He's the boss's son.
Monica: Come on, lottery!! (everybody cheers)
Rachel: Ooh, you guys, it starts in like 20 minutes.
Monica: Ok, here we go. We need to sort out the tickets as quickly as possible to see if we've won. So does anybody have any ideas how to organize this? (doesn't let them answer) Ok, how about this: we divide them into 6 groups of 40, and the remaining 10 can be read by whoever finishes their pile first.
Rachel: Ooh, I have another idea!
Monica: I'm sorry, idea time is over.
Phoebe: Ok, well, are all the tickets in the bowl?
Monica: Yeah.
Chandler: What about the ones you have on the nightstand?
Monica: There are no tickets on the nightstand!
Chandler: Yes there are, I just saw them a few minutes ago.
(Rachel get suspicious)
Monica: Un, no you didn't! You must be mistaken!
Chandler: Honey, there are like 20 tickets on the nightstand!
Monica: Chandler, sense the tone!!
(Rachel comes out of their bedroom waving tickets)
Rachel: Well, well, well, look what mommy found!!
(everyone's shocked)
Monica: Ok, fine!! I bought 20 extra tickets for me and Chandler.
Phoebe: Uh! The psychic also said that I would be betrayed.
Ross: I can't believe this, I thought we were all in this together!
Monica: Hey, you just got in 5 minutes ago!
Ross: 3 minutes ago!!! I don't know why that's important ...
Joey: I was with you the whole time we were in Connecticut, when did you even get those?
Monica: When you were reading the dirty magazines without taking off the plastic!
Joey: (to Ross) I'll show you how.
Rachel: Ok, well Monica, suppose one of your "special" tickets win? How are you gonna feel when you win the lottery and you lose all your friends?
Monica: Please ... if I win the lottery, you guys are not gonna leave me. Someone gave me a basket of mini-muffins last week and I couldn't get rid of you for 3 days!
Rachel: Chandler, would you just tell her what she did was wrong?
Chandler: (to Mon) She's right, you shouldn't have bought tickets just for us ...
Monica: Ahhh! (shocked)
Chandler: Let me finish ... (to everyone else) however, it doesn't look like I'm gonna get this job so I can't afford to have principles, so screw you, the tickets are ours!! (takes tickets from Rachel)
Monica: There's the man I married!!
Rachel: All right, believe me.If you win the lottery, it's the last you're gonna hear from us!
Monica: Fine! Don't be my friends! I'll buy new friends! Yeah, and then I'll pay for their plastic surgery so they'd look just like you!
Rachel: (surprised) OH! Alright, you know what? That's it! I want my share of the tickets (picks up the bowl)!
Joey: Yeah, I want my tickets too (takes the bowl from Rachel)! And I'm buying the Knicks! And Steffi Graff, ah ah!
Ross: Than I want mine, too (takes the bowl from Joey)! And if I win I'm gonna put it all into a very low-yield bond.
Phoebe: Oh, you guys! We've got to keep all the tickets together (takes the bowl from Ross and puts it on the table)
Monica: No, no! We should divide them up (picks up the bowl) and I should get extra because we used my card to buy them!
Joey: Hey, if anybody gets extra tickets, it should be me! This all thing was my idea! (takes the bowl from Monica)
Chandler: Oh, yeah! Thanks for inventing the lottery!
Rachel: Ok, that's it! Just give'em to me! I'll split them up! (she tries to snatch the bowl from Joey's hands but she can't, so she pinches his nipple and she manages to take it)
Joey: (in pain) Oh!
Phoebe: (she takes the bowl from Rachel's hands and she starts running around the room and yelling) OOOOOHHHHH!
Ross: (trying to stop her) Hey, hey!!
Phoebe: (keeping on running and yelling) OOOOOHHHHH! (she stops) Fine, I can't take it anymore! I'm putting an end to this! (she goes out to the balcony)
Rachel: Oh, if she jumps, I get her tickets.
Joey: No, no! (they all go towards the balcony but they get jammed in the window)
Phoebe: If we are not doing it together, we're not doing it at all! So, say goodbye to your tickets! (She holds out the bowl, and makes as to drop the tickets on the street).
Everyone: NO!!
Phoebe: Don't come any closer!
Chandler: Can I come a little bit closer, valuable things are getting squished...
Phoebe: No, what's more important, your friends or money?
Everyone but Monica: Friends!
Monica: Money! (they all look at her) Friends...
Phoebe: Hey Monica, what about your extra tickets?
Monica: They're all in there! Even these five that I hid in my bra (takes some tickets out of her bra and gives them to Phoebe)...
Ross: Monica!
Phoebe: Ok, good! (pause) You guys were so scared! There was no way I was gonna dump this...(a pigeon swoops down, scaring Phoebe who drops the bowl on the street) Oh God, no! (pause) I think I broke your bowl.
Ross: Go, go, go!!
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment.]
(All are returning from the street after picking up dropped lottery tickets)
Phoebe: What a beautiful night to be running around the street, looking for tickets. And the wind sure made it fun.
Monica: Phoebe, we lost half of them.
Phoebe: So, what? Monica, we have the winning ticket! My psychic said I was gonna win, remember?
Ross: Weird.. your psychic didn't mention anything about the scary pigeon...
Phoebe: As a matter of fact she said that's how I am going to die. (pause ) So, excuse me for being a little skittish.
Chandler: (looking at the answering machine) Hey, there's two messages. These could be from work!
Monica: Oh, play them!
Chandler: Ok, here we go! (he pushes the play button)
Message: (Phoebe's voice) "Hello. Th-this is the pigeon from the balcony calling to apologise" (they all turns to look at Phoebe) "I sh.. I shouldn't have knocked the tickets out of the pretty lady's hand. It-it was all my fault. Not hers. Bye. Coo."
(they all keep staring at Phoebe)
Phoebe: Well, I bet that was very hard for him to do.
Second message: "Hey Chandler, it's Charlie"
Chandler: This is..shhh!
Second Message: "Listen, oh... it turns I got the last spot. I'm really sorry man, it was a lot of fun working with you. Give me a call if you want."
Monica: Oh God, I am so sorry honey...
All: Oh, so sorry man! Sorry!
Rachel: Oh, it is so unfair. It's like that time they promoted Sandra over me at work.
Chandler: Oh, is she related to Ralph Lauren?
Rachel: No, she was just much better at job than me!
Phoebe: Guys, the drawing is about to start!
Rachel: (To Ross) You know what? We should call my mum's house and say goodnight to Emma before she goes down.
Ross: Oh yeah, it's a good idea!
Monica: (she hugs Chandler) Honey, you've been really strong about this, I know how badly you wanted that job.
Chandler: Yeah, you know, I really thought I deserved it. (pause) But... let's go win the lottery... I mean, we still have 130 chances to win, right?
Monica: (she draws out a ticket from a pocket of her pants) 131! (they kiss)
Ross: (on the phone) Goodnight sweetheart! I love you. And remember, you're daddy's little girl... (covering the phone, to Rachel) Phoebe's totally ruined that for me... (he passes the receiver to Rachel)
Rachel: Hi mum, put her back on!
Joey: (sitting on the sofa in front of the tv) Rach, come on! They are announcing the numbers! My God, I can already feel myself changing.
TV: "Here we are, the official Powerball numbers! We have 53"
Chandler: I got that!
Ross: Oh, we have one too!!
Monica: We are on a roll, people!!
Ross: (calling Rachel) Come on!!
Rachel: (on the phone) Mum, please!I know you love your new lips, but I can barely understand you! Would you, please, just let me say goodnight to my daughter?
TV: "And number 29! Here we go! The Powerball is 7"
Monica: Check your numbers! Make me rich!
Rachel: (she goes towards the others and she's very excited) Guys, you're not gonna believe this! I was just saying goodnight to Emma and she said her first words!!
All: Wow!
Joey: And what did she say?
Rachel: She said "gleba"!! (she celebrates)
(they just look at her for a moment; then they go back to checking the tickets)
Monica: Make me rich!!
Rachel: (to Ross) Isn't that amazing?
Ross: Oh yeah, no no no...that's great!
Rachel: Why-why aren't you more excited?
Ross: Oh, Rach...oh..."gleba" is not a word.
Rachel: Oh, but of course it is!
Ross: Okay, what does it mean?
Rachel: I don't know all the words.
Ross: I'm just, I'm just glad I didn't miss my daughter's first words (goes back to checking the tickets).
Ross: Yes you did, gleba is a word!
Ross: Ok, use it in a sentence.
Rachel: Ok... "Emma just said gleba"!
Ross: It's not a word!
Rachel: Okay, okay, okay, fine, I'm gonna look it up (she goes and picks up the dictionary).
Ross: Oh, oh, ok, great. You know what, while you're at it she said another word the other day, why don't you, why don't you look up: pbbqqt....
(Rachel glares at him)
Rachel: (searching the dictionary) Alright, okay, okay, gleba, gleba... (excited) Gleba! Ha! Here it is: the fleshy, spore-bearing inner mass of a certain fungi.
(Rachel shows Ross the definition on the dictionary, giving him a smug look; then she squints at the dictionary, as though unsure what to make out of it)
Ross: She's gonna be a scientist! (kisses Rachel on the head, very moved)
Joey: (checking the last ticket) Damnit! anybody got anything?
Chandler: No.
Phoebe: I'm still looking through mine...
Monica: Just double checking (does so)...no, no, no...(takes off a shoe and takes a ticket out of it) No!
(phone rings)
Monica: (answering phone) Hello? Hold on. It's your boss.
Chandler: Ah, the "I'm sorry I rejected you" phone call. I'm not used to getting it from guys. (on the phone, getting up from the sofa) Hey, Steve.
Steve: Chandler, hi! I'm sure you've heard we filled the three positions. We just felt that with your maturity and experience, you wouldn't be happy being someone's assistant.
Chandler: Oh no no no no, I'd love to be somebody's assistant! Answering phones, getting coffee, I live for that stuff! And I'm not too mature... farts, boobies, butt cracks!
Steve: Chandler, you were the strongest person in the program. We're offering you the position of junior copywriter.
Chandler: Me, that guy who just said butt cracks?
Steve: Yes, that's right. We're excited about the level of sophistication you'll be bringing to the job.
Chandler: Ok well, thanks, you won't regret it. I'll see you tomorrow (hangs up).
(he idly goes to the sofa, starts browsing a magazine. Everybody stares at him)
Chandler: What? (pause) Oh, yeah, I'm gonna be a junior copywriter.
Everybody: (excited) Oh my God, congratulations!
Monica: Oh sweetie, I'm so proud of you!
Chandler: Does that mean I get the good loving tonight?
Monica: You bet! No TV or anything! (she gets up from the sofa and goes to the kitchen area)
Joey: (to Chandler) Hey, that is so great about the job.
Chandler: Thanks, man.
Joey: And I like to think I had a little something to do with it.
Chandler: Really? What?
Joey: Well, before, with the wishbone... I didn't wish we would win the lottery, I wished you'd get the job.
Chandler: (smiling, surprised) Oh yeah? (looks towards the kitchen, worried) Listen, don't tell Monica, she'll rip your heart right out.
Joey: Oh yeah.
Rachel: You know what? There is a little part of me that really thought we were gonna win.
Ross: Me too. So much for my dinosaur/Amelia Earhart theme park.
Phoebe: You guys, what was the Powerball number again?
Monica and Ross: Seven.
Phoebe: We won.
Rachel: What?
Phoebe: We won!
Monica: Let me see!
(they all jump up excitedly and try to see the ticket)
Phoebe: Don't tear it.
Ross: Phoebe, you don't have any of the first five numbers.
Phoebe: I know that, but look, we've got the Powerball number, we've won 3 dollars!
Chandler: Wow, you'd think we should get that over 20 years or go for the big payout.
Phoebe: (still very excited) I don't care, I've never won anything before, I can't believe this!
Rachel: So Pheebs, what are you going to do with your $3?
Phoebe: It's not all mine. We all get 50 cents.
Monica: You know what? You can have mine.
Chandler: Me too.
Joey: Me too.
Rachel: Me too.
(they all look at Ross)
Ross: I guess if everybody else is...
Closing credits
[Scene: Central Perk. They're all sitting there as usual, except Joey. Gunther is serving a nearby table.]
(Joey comes in from the back of the coffee house)
Joey: (sitting in a chair) Hey guys, so I just called the Powerball hotline, can you believe it? Nobody won.
Phoebe: I beg to differ (shows him her cup of coffee and her plate of cookies).
Gunther: Maybe nobody won the jackpot, but there was this guy in here earlier, and he found the ticket on the street, right outside, and won $10,000 (goes to the counter).
(They all glare evilly at Phoebe)
Phoebe: (hides her mouth behind the cup and speaks in the "pigeon voice" from before) Coo, again. Don't blame the pretty lady. It was not her fault. It was me, the pigeon, coo! (pause) Seriously, stop staring at her.
(Joey stares around dumbly looking for the "talking pigeon") | Plan: A: The gang; Q: Who buys lottery tickets? A: lottery tickets; Q: What do the gang buy and fight over how to divide up? A: Chandler waits; Q: What does Chandler do while he waits for a job offer? A: a job offer; Q: What does Chandler wait for at the advertising agency? A: Emma's first word; Q: What do Rachel and Ross anticipate? A: Special guest; Q: What is Phill Lewis? Summary: The gang buys lottery tickets and fight over how to divide them up. Chandler waits for a job offer at the advertising agency, while Rachel and Ross anticipate Emma's first word. Special guest: Phill Lewis |
PLANET OF EVIL
BY: LOUIS MARKS
Part Two
Running time: 22:30
[SCENE_BREAK]
PONTI: Nothing.
DE HAAN: I heard a scream.
PONTI: Who's the guard on this sector?
DE HAAN: O'Hara. There's no sign of him.
PONTI: Let's get some lights round here.
DE HAAN: Right. I'll go and look for him.
DOCTOR: All right, Sarah, I think it's gone. Are you all right? What's the matter?
SARAH: It's how I felt before, in the jungle. As though I was being drawn from my body.
DOCTOR: You've had a very narrow escape.
SARAH: What was it?
DOCTOR: I'm not sure yet, but I've got a very unpleasant theory.
[SCENE_BREAK]
SALAMAR: Everything's normal now.
VISHINSKY: Something caused that power drain. There was a temperature drop of four degrees.
PONTI: Controller!
VISHINSKY: Later, Ponti. We have a systems fault.
PONTI: I think the base is under attack, Controller.
SALAMAR: Under attack?
PONTI: We've heard something out there. And O'Hara seems to have disappeared. We need lights.
SALAMAR: Better check the prisoners, Vishinsky.
[SCENE_BREAK]
SALAMAR: As I thought.
VISHINSKY: I'll call the crew to alert.
[SCENE_BREAK]
SARAH: It's as if life was sucked out of him.
DOCTOR: Come on. I think we've been missed.
[SCENE_BREAK]
PONTI: Halt!
[SCENE_BREAK]
VISHINSKY: With the power drain, the magnetic lock must have failed.
SALAMAR: Obviously. But we still don't know what caused it.
SALAMAR: What is it?
PONTI: Something you should see for yourself, Controller. They've killed O'Hara.
[SCENE_BREAK]
SALAMAR: They must be recaptured and made to pay for this.
PONTI: We won't find them in this jungle.
SALAMAR: They won't escape. We'll launch the oculoid tracker at first light.
PONTI: Very good, Controller.
SALAMAR: Get Sorenson. I want him to see this.
VISHINSKY: He's under medicare in the probe.
SALAMAR: Bring him here immediately, Vishinsky. And I want a full bio-analysis on the cause of death.
VISHINSKY: All right.
[SCENE_BREAK]
SARAH: It's so dark.
DOCTOR: Just hang on.
SARAH: What's the matter?
DOCTOR: Nothing.
SARAH: Where are we going?
DOCTOR: Shush. Listen. It's coming this way.
SARAH: (quietly) That was lucky.
DOCTOR: Fortunately, time is on our side.
SARAH: Time?
DOCTOR: Yes. Night's candles are burned out and jocund day stands tiptoe on the misty mountain top. Or something like that.
SARAH: Ah, you mean it's getting light.
DOCTOR: That's what Shakespeare meant.
SARAH: Doesn't it like daylight?
DOCTOR: That is the question.
SARAH: Oh, Doctor, where are you going?
[SCENE_BREAK]
VISHINSKY: Projectile chamber three, ignition procedures activate.
MORELLI (OOV.): Projectile chamber three activated. Oculoid function normal.
VISHINSKY: Launch attitude seven.
MORELLI (OOV.): Seven.
VISHINSKY: Telesystems on transverse sweep.
MORELLI (OOV.): Transverse sweep established.
VISHINSKY: Maintain ocular frequency.
MORELLI (OOV.): Ocular frequency is transmitting now.
VISHINSKY: Oculoid tracker launched.
[SCENE_BREAK]
SARAH: What was that, an elfin spirit of the forest?
DOCTOR: Some sort of surveillance device.
SARAH: Oh. At least we know we can't get lost.
DOCTOR: No. I met him once, you know.
SARAH: Who?
DOCTOR: Shakespeare. Charming fellow. Dreadful actor.
SARAH: Perhaps that's why he took up writing.
DOCTOR: Perhaps it was.
[SCENE_BREAK]
SALAMAR: You've seen the body?
SORENSON: All my party died the same way. A type of total dehydration.
SALAMAR: I have the bio-analysis here. All the organs are undamaged. No contusions or evidence of pressure. Complete extraction of bodily fluids from tissue.
VISHINSKY: We've no weapon in our technology that could produce such an effect.
SALAMAR: No, a heat weapon would have produced external injuries. All the indications are that some very rapid form of freeze-drying occurred.
SORENSON: Isn't this irrelevant, Controller?
SALAMAR: Irrelevant?
SORENSON: I came to Zeta Minor to prove a theory that could save our civilisation. I've been successful. That's all that matters.
SALAMAR: Seven men have died at the hands of these aliens.
SORENSON: There is more at stake here than seven lives. Our solar system is dependant upon a dying sun. I've discovered a new and inexhaustible source of energy. Rock formations on the fringe of the universe.
MORELLI: Controller, the oculoid tracker has located the prisoners.
SALAMAR: Order out the pursuit party.
PONTI: Right, Controller.
SORENSON: You're wasting time. My mineral samples must be loaded aboard and we must prepare for immediate take off.
SALAMAR: I am well aware of your high position in the science authorities, Professor, but this is a military expedition with military objectives. The manual says hostile alien forces must be searched out and liquidated. That operation is now in hand.
[SCENE_BREAK]
DOCTOR: Yes, this is it.
SARAH: Is this where the thing lives?
DOCTOR: No, it doesn't live anywhere. It just is.
SARAH: Uh oh. Doctor.
DOCTOR: Never mind about that. Look down there. What do you see?
SARAH: A pool.
DOCTOR: Look into it. Wouldn't you expect to see a reflection?
SARAH: There's nothing. What do you mean, this is it?
PONTI: Raise your hands over your heads. Search him.
DOCTOR: I can empty my own pockets, thank you.
PONTI: Put your hands over your heads.
DOCTOR: I've nothing up my sleeve, if that's what you mean.
PONTI: Search them both.
DOCTOR: Get back! Didn't you learn anything? You're tampering with the balance of nature on this planet in ways you don't understand. It may already be too late.
[SCENE_BREAK]
SORENSON: I want these canisters loaded carefully.
DE HAAN: What's in them?
SORENSON: Refined ore. Energy. I calculate that six pounds of this material in our own solar system would produce heat equivalent to the output of our own sun over a period of three centuries. Well, don't you understand, man? Full scale exploitation of this planet would provide us with perpetual energy in any quantity whenever we needed it. I've made the greatest discovery in scientific history.
DE HAAN: Do you need any of this other equipment, Professor?
SORENSON: You still don't understand the implications, do you. No, no, there's nothing here. The base can be abandoned.
[SCENE_BREAK]
VISHINSKY: The prisoners have cleared quarantine.
SALAMAR: Any weapons?
VISHINSKY: Our detectors revealed nothing. If they caused the deaths, they used some super-sensory process.
SALAMAR: It's not unknown for aliens to utilise such techniques. Bring them in.
VISHINSKY: Have the aliens brought in.
SALAMAR: Where's Sorenson?
VISHINSKY: Getting his samples aboard preparatory to launching.
SALAMAR: I've given no orders for a launching. There are seven deaths to be accounted for.
VISHINSKY: Sorenson has a lot of authority in high circles, Salamar. It may be unwise to antagonise him.
SALAMAR: He's still a civilian. Military priorities take precedence.
VISHINSKY: Bring the prisoners forward.
DOCTOR: Prisoners? We're here to help. We're not prisoners.
SALAMAR: You are prisoners, and you are charged with diverse acts of war against the subjects of Morestra.
DOCTOR: Not guilty.
SARAH: This is ridiculous.
VISHINSKY: Silence.
DOCTOR: Do you have any idea of what you're up against on this planet?
SALAMAR: You will not respond to questions with counter-questions.
DOCTOR: If you won't allow us
VISHINSKY: Silence! You will have a chance to speak, Doctor.
DOCTOR: Thank you.
SALAMAR: This interrogation will be conducted in an orderly manner. Failure to comply will result in your immediate execution.
[SCENE_BREAK]
MORELLI: Radioactive reading just within our tolerance. What do they contain?
SORENSON: Mineral elements from the planet.
[SCENE_BREAK]
SALAMAR: Yesterday, you were found with the body of one of our scientists. Last night one of our guards died and you were seen kneeling over him. Can you explain this?
DOCTOR: We had nothing to do with those deaths. They were brought about by your intrusion. Listen, now listen to me, please. Here on Zeta Minor is the boundary between existence as you know it and the other universe, which you just don't understand.
VISHINSKY: Other universe?
DOCTOR: Yes. From the beginning of time, it has existed side by side with the known universe. Each is the antithesis of the other. You call it nothing, a word to cover ignorance, then centuries ago scientists invented another word for it. Antimatter, they called it.
SALAMAR: Nonsense. Clever deception to cover their real motives.
VISHINSKY: I don't think so. Let him finish.
DOCTOR: And you, by coming here, have crossed the boundary into that other universe to plunder it. Dangerous.
SORENSON: Salamar. My mineral samples are aboard. It is getting dark. Prepare for the return journey.
DOCTOR: Mineral samples? Sorenson, you can't take any part of this planet with you.
SORENSON: That was the purpose of my expedition.
DOCTOR: But you can't!
SALAMAR: Get them out of here. I'll deal with them later.
DOCTOR: Sorenson, if you don't listen to me, you'll never leave this planet.
SALAMAR: Now look, Sorenson. I'm aware of your position, but I am in command of this probe and I decide when it takes off. Do you understand?
SORENSON: What did he mean, we'll never leave this planet?
[SCENE_BREAK]
SARAH: Do you ever get tired of being pushed around?
DOCTOR: Frequently.
SARAH: We could get in the TARDIS and disappear.
DOCTOR: No, no. It's tempting to let them go ahead and destroy themselves. The trouble is, they wouldn't be the only ones.
SARAH: How do you mean?
DOCTOR: Cataclysm.
SARAH: The Big Bang?
DOCTOR: Yes. The end of the universe.
SARAH: What's that?
DOCTOR: Do you remember the rocks around the pool?
SARAH: Mmm. They were sort of a brownish colour.
DOCTOR: This is a concentrated form.
SARAH: It's changing colour!
SARAH: What are you doing? What are you doing?
DOCTOR: It's just an idea.
SARAH: It's the compression units. They're preparing to launch!
DOCTOR: Fools. Do they really think they'll be allowed to leave with this on board?
[SCENE_BREAK]
VISHINSKY: Pressurisation complete. Cyclostimulators activate.
MORELLI: Activated.
VISHINSKY: Power jets to lock in positions.
MORELLI: Locked.
VISHINSKY: Gyrostabilisers, activate.
MORELLI: Activated.
VISHINSKY: Prepare for final ignition. Ten, nine, eight
MORELLI: Pressurisation falling. Cyclostimulators not responding.
SALAMAR: Activate secondary launch units.
MORELLI: Cycle complete.
VISHINSKY: Secondary launch units activated.
SALAMAR: I don't understand.
VISHINSKY: What's gone wrong?
MORELLI: Emergency power units inoperative. Main and secondary circuits failing.
SALAMAR: Cancel ignition.
VISHINSKY: It doesn't make sense.
SORENSON: Look!
SALAMAR: What is it?
VISHINSKY: It's going to attack the ship!
SORENSON: Energy. Pure energy in physical form. It's incredible!
VISHINSKY: Operate the forcefield barrier.
SALAMAR: Get the alien prisoners up here. I think that thing's got something to do with them.
MORELLI: The barrier won't work. There's not enough power!
SALAMAR: Get out there and stop it.
DOCTOR: You've sent those men to their deaths. Use the forcefield barrier.
VISHINSKY: It won't work.
DOCTOR: Then link it to the atomic accelerator.
MORELLI: It's too dangerous.
DOCTOR: Link the forcefield to the atomic accelerator!
VISHINSKY: We've got to try it, Salamar. Give the order!
SALAMAR: Do it.
MORELLI: Linked.
VISHINSKY: Forcefield barrier.
VISHINSKY: Thank you, Doctor.
SALAMAR: All right, tell us what you know about that.
DOCTOR: Sorenson, you're a scientist. Surely you appreciate the dangers of moving material from one dimension to another.
SORENSON: That was the whole purpose of my expedition.
DOCTOR: You're tampering with hideously dangerous forces.
SALAMAR: But it's gone.
DOCTOR: Yes, for the moment. But while those mineral samples remain on board, it'll always come back.
VISHINSKY: Are you saying we can't take off?
DOCTOR: Unless you abandon those canisters, yes.
SORENSON: But we need those mineral samples.
DOCTOR: Why?
SORENSON: Our sun is dying. By taking material from this planet, we can refuel it and save our civilisation.
DOCTOR: I'm afraid that isn't the solution. You must find an alternative energy source.
SALAMAR: So if we jettison those canisters we can take off?
DOCTOR: As long as your intention to leave as you came, empty-handed, is made clear.
VISHINSKY: But how do we communicate that intention?
DOCTOR: Through me. I'm not entirely without influence, but it will take time.
SALAMAR: Very well. But the girl will stay here. You may go.
SORENSON: But
DOCTOR: Alone. I must go alone.
SARAH: Doctor.
DOCTOR: Yes, I know. I'll take care.
SALAMAR: Launch the oculoid tracker. I want his movements followed.
[SCENE_BREAK]
DOCTOR: No! | Plan: A: The Doctor; Q: Who realizes that Zeta Minor lies on the boundary between the universes? A: Zeta Minor; Q: What planet lies on the boundary between matter and antimatter? A: the Morestrans; Q: What species is trapped on Zeta Minor? Summary: The Doctor realises that Zeta Minor lies on the boundary between the universes of matter and anti-matter and something on the planet won't let the Morestrans leave. |
[Brian walks into his office,followed by Cynthia, his assistant.]
Brian: I called my travel agent. He booked my in the bestressort in Bahamas.
Cynthia: Bahamas? What, is South Beach over?
Brian: No, Liberty send me there for our marketingretreat.
Cynthia: Oh, so this is all work and no play? Oh, I'lljust crack open the Spartacus guide.
Ryder: Hey. You got a minute?
Brian: Yeah, we're just planing my trip.
Ryder: You're better hold of. I'm sending Darren Chanceinstead. I need you for work home.
Cynthia: If you excuse me for a minute?
[Cynthia leaves the room. Ryder closes the door behindher]
Ryder: This is just the whole harassment thing is over.
Brian: Whatever happened to innocent until proven guilty?
Ryder: Look, the Liberty Air are very converative. Whatwould happen if they found out that their accountexecutive was involved in a gay s*x scandal?
Brian: You mean, they wouldn't mind a straight one?
Ryder: I also speak with legal. You're going to be seeinga rep from Human Resources; there's going to be anoutside investigation, followed by a tribunal with animpartial mediator.
Brian: When's the hanging?
Ryder: If I were you I would get myself a good lawyer.
[He solemnly walks out. Cynthia is about to walk back in,but then sees Brian turned to the wall, and thinks betterof it.]
[Liberty Diner. Mike shakes hishead.]
Michael: I told you not to f*ck him.
Brian: Do you ever notice that when your Mom's notserving us, the portions shrink by approximately onethird? I said 'fries'? Plural?
Michael: Are you listening to me?
Brian: Yeah, I shouldn't have f*cked him.
Ted: It's like Mr.Workshafter f*cking me.
Michael: Mr.Workshafter is, like, seventy-two.
Brian: [to Michael] Do you mind? I was trying to eat.
Ted: You know what I mean. You don't prey on the help.
Brian: I didn't prey on him. He want after me.
Michael: Let's go to the gym. You'll feel better when youwork out. [to Ted] You're coming?
Ted: No. Gym isn't the same without my workout buddy.
Brian: We're will be your workout buddies.
Ted: Emmett would let me get away with murder. You guyswill make me sweat.
Michael: So we're see you later in Woddy's then?
Ted: Woody's isn't the same without my beer buddy there,pointing out all the cute guys and spilling drinks allover me.
Brian: We'll spill drinks all over you.
Michael: You know Emmett can't commit to anything. A guy.A new conditioner.
Brian: He'll come, you will see. Thanks for lunch.
[See the Light. Two"members" stand and tell their story]
Marsha: So, there we are the other night. Jim and Isitting around, watching the game. I'm try to teach himFootball.
Jim: She is. Can you stand it? But I'm hopeless.
Marsha: Yeah, you are. But anyway we start points get,yet again when all of the sudden we're starting tolooking into each others eyes.
Jim: The next thing I know we were kissing, with tonguesand everything! Can you stand it?
[Emmett looks a little queasy, himself. The group cheersfor Jim and Marsha]
Marsha: And know... will you telling them, honey?
Jim: We're engaged. Can you stand it? Can you stand it?
Ty: You see the power of the work we're doing here? Don'tlet anyone tell you that it isn't possible -- that youcan't heal! I wanna hear success story from each ofeveryone of you! You can do it! You can do it! You can doit!
[Outside,Emmett is bundling up when Heather, the woman who satnext to him at the meeting, approaches him.]
Heather: Inspiring, isn't it? It gives us hope that wecan all change our lives.
Emmett: Yeah, give us all hope that one day we to can bea success story. God, I wish I was one.
Heather: Me too. I'm Heather.
Emmett: Emmett.
[Girl's got quite a grip on her.]
Emmett: Ou, nice firm handshake.
Heather: Sorry, I'm working on that. So, you're new here,huh?
Emmett: Yeah, a couple of weeks. You?
Heather: Six months.
Emmett: Is it helped?
Heather: I'm getting there. Well, it's a long road. See,I first lost the sight of the light back in college. Ifell in love with one of my sorority sisters, Gene. Itold how to play golf in my parents country club. Thenone night, it happened. We made love on the 18th Green.Oh, God, I still remember that hole! But then she engagedto a golf pro and moved to moved to North Carolina.
Emmett: Sorry.
Heather: When she left, I thought I would die. And Itried to get over it by goin' from women, to women. And Istarted to wonder, how I ended up in such darkness. Andthat's when I started to find my way back to the light.What about you?
Emmett: I made a promised to God.
Heather: I think he really hears us sometimes, you know?So, what do you say, you and me, we're goin' outsometimes?
Emmett: You mean, like, on a date? I don't know.
Heather: I thoughed you want to be a succes story.
Emmett: More than anything.
Heather: Well, then you must go for it. I pick you up ateight.
Emmett: Alright, it's great. Well, aren't I supposed topick you up?
Heather: Oh yeah, right!
[Dave's. Mike's reading comicbooks in bed when David walks into the bedroom wearingnothing but an apron. He's carrying a wok in one hand anda bottle of wine in the other.]
David: I whipped you up a little snack.
Michael: A little snack is a handful of Cap'n Crunch.
David: I was out of Cap'n Crunch. A little penne andsun-dried tomatoes. That's a white wine cream sauce.
Michael: Oh, it's hot. I burned my tongue!
David: Well, let me cool it down for ya.
[Mike's cell rings.]
David: That better not be who I think it is.
Michael: It's Ted.
Ted: Hey man, am I disturbing you? I'm lying in bed andwatching some porno video. It's terrible. These two guysare f*cking, and eating pasta at the same time, likeanyone would do that, right?
Michael: Uh-huh.
Ted: When Brian called. I think he's kind freaking out.
Michael: Fraking out?
Ted: Yeah. He want me to tell him as an accountant howlong he can stay without job.
Michael: What did you tell him?
Ted: At the way he spends? Two months, on tops.
Michael: What did he say?
Ted: He thanked my very much for being such a wonderfuland compassionate friend.
Michael: Oh my God, he is freaking out! I call you later.
Ted: Alright.
[Ted goes back to the porno, getting a few Kleenex inanticipation.]
David: What's the matter?
Michael: It's Brian. I got to call him.
[He's taking his cell phone away.]
Michael: David, you don't understand! He's gonna gobroke. He's gonna loose his job!
David: You don't understand. We're not going to have arelationship like Melanie and Lindsay.
Michael: Of course we're not! We're not lesbians.
David: I mean, there's only room in this house -- ourhouse, our bed, our life -- for you and me. Not you andme and Brian.
Michael: I know.
David: Promised me that you won't involve yourself in hisproblems. He's made his bed. He can get sued in it.
[Brian and Mel are having lunch.]
Mel: Let me get this straight: you f*ck up my life, youdestroy my relationship, and now you have thebreathtaking gall to ask me to represent you?
Brian: Yeah, and I'll pay you too.
Mel: Oh keep your money. From what I hear you, your goin'to need it.
Brian: Fine. Homophobic Corporate America wins again.
Mel: Oh, please! You could hang a sign on your door thatsays, 'Blow Jobs -- Ten Cents,' and you'd still have itbetter than any woman or person of color because you're awhite man. Which still counts for something in thiscountry. OK, just for laughs, get me your version of thisstory.
Brian: He wanted it. I gave it to him.
Mel: Just how I wanted it: short but sweet.
Brian: It wasn't that short.
Mel: And where did this act of selfless generossity takeplace?
Brian: In my office and in my loft.
Mel: So, he couldn't have minded too much if he came backfor more. Go on.
Brian: Then he ask me to help him to get a promotion.
Mel: What did you tell him?
Brian: I told him he wasn't ready.
Mel: How did he take it?
Brian: How do you think? He felt, because we're both gay,and we'd f*cked, that somehow he was entitled to a freeride. I didn't agree.
Mel: How many tricks do you have in a months?
Brian: Twenty? Thirty?
Mel: Jesus, what a life.
Brian: What does the number of guys I do have to do withit?
Mel: Well, for once the fact that you screw anything thatmoves is your finest quality and your best defense. Youdidn't have to abuse your position at work in order toget laid.
Brian: The f*ck Defense?
Mel: We've got to prove that when this kid didn't getwhat he wanted, he decided to get even.
Brian: Then you'll take this case?
Mel: Look, not that I give a sh1t about saving your ass,but it might be amusing to have you indebted to me forthe rest of your life.
Debbie's. Debbie's foldinglaundry as "The Hustle" starts to play on theradio. She unfolds a shirt (the one with the drawing of arooster with the word "cock" printedunderneath), and whispers in time to the music, "Doit." Vic busts up. They both start bumping along tothe music. Justin stares at them in disbelief from thecouch, where he's doing his homework. Debbie and Vic arehaving, like, the best time. Justin -- trying not to grinat them dancing around the kitchen]
Justin: Do you mind?
Vic: What's the matter, princess?
Justin: I'm trying to do my homework?
Debbie: Well, you excuse us!
[Mike walks in, and his mother greets himenthusiastically, while still two-stepping around thekitchen.]
Michael: [to Justin] What are they doin'?
Justin: Reliving their youth? You people are sooo weird!
Michael: When you don't like it why you just go to yourroom? Oh, let me re-phrase that, my room!
Debbie: Would you go leave him already?
Vic: Yeah, Mikey. You're a doctor's wife, now.
Debbie: Yeah, right. And to think I used to worry thatyou'd spend the rest of your life following after --what's his name?
Michael: Would you leave Brian out of this? He's gotenough sh1t to deal with it.
Justin: What kind of sh1t?
Michael: Some guy at work sue him for sexual harrasment.It's really serious. He could loose everything.
Debbie: I knew someday he'd stick his dick where itdidn't belong.
Justin: We're got to do something.
Debbie: Sunshine, there are some thing you can't doanything.
Vic: I'm afraid Brian's f*cked the last person he shouldhave -- himself.
Debbie: I'm sorry honey.
Justin: You're his best friend. You should do something.I would do something, if I could.
Michael: Just mind your own business.
[Michael take up the phone and calls David.]
Michael: Dr.Cameron, please. It's Michael. Hey. Listen, Iknow we had plans tonight but my mom's got this ... she'snot feeling much, she's got this... flue fever cold ofeverything. Yeah, and I thoughed I stick around and keepher company.
[Brian's office. Brian's packingup some stuff when there's a knock at the door. He looksup.]
Brian: f*ck you.
Kip: Look, I just want you to know that I'm really sorryabout all this...
Brian: Really? This makes me feel a lot better.
Kip: I had no choice. If I didn't do what you wanted, youwould have fired me.
Brian: No, you just tried to get ahead by giving head.Which, by the way, you're not very good at.
Kip: We obviously remember things quite differently.
Brian: [yells] Yeah! I remember what happened!
Kip: If I could propose something. I'm be more thanwilling to forget the whole thing when you say your sorryand re-consider me for this position.
Brian: You know you have a real talent for propossitions.
Kip: Would you mind not standing so close?
Brian: Why, do you think something might happen? Like Imight use my position of power to take advantage of yourtight little asshole?!
[Kip cries out in shock. Brian plops down on his desk,but when Kip just tries to get up, Brian pulls him backand snarls into his ear.]
Brian: Get. Out. Of my office.
[Later that night, Ted and Melhave just finished seeing a movie. As they walk out ofthe theater, Mel's crying and wiping her eyes with atissue.]
Ted: You know, I never realized, until seeing it withyou, that A Night at the Opera was such a tragic movie.
Mel: I'm sorry, it's just that last Halloween Lindsay wasdressed up as Groucho and was her Harpo.
Ted: Well, that explains everything.
Mel: Oh, God, nothing personal, but I just wish she washere.
Ted: I understand. Most of my dates wish they were withsomeone else.
Mel: Oh, don't say that. You are real catch.
Ted: I know. Just my luck that lesbians find meirresistible.
[Mel laughs through her tears and gives him a big hug.Over Mel's shoulder, Ted sees Emmett, arm in arm withHeather. Emmett looks like someone killed his dog, and hehasn't even seen Ted yet.]
Ted: Holy sh1t!
Mel: What, I got you all excited?
[Ted whips her around so that she can see the happypair.]
Mel: I don't believe it!
Emmett: Ted! Melanie. Hi. This is Heather, my date.
Mel: I'm sorry, I thouged you said...
Ted: He did.
Heather: We're goin' for pizza. Do you wanna double?
Mel: Double?
Emmett: [to Heather] Their not really a couple.
Ted: I'm a homo.
Mel: And I'm a lesbo!
Heather: Oh. I thought, from the hug, that you werenormal.
Mel: We are. What the hell has gotten into you?!
Ted: He's seen the light.
Mel: Where are they shining it, up your ass?!
Heather: See the Light is helping us built a happyheterosexual live.
Mel: Yeah, well, while you're at it, why don't you askthe Wizard for a brain?
Emmett: I'm so glad that we are amuses you.
Mel: Who's amused? I'm outraged.
Emmett: Listen Heather, they don't understand.
Mel: I understand you assholes are setting back the GayRights Movement about fifty years!
Heather: C'mon, Emmett. I don't think I care for yourfriends.
Ted: Emmett, wait. Can we at least get together sometime?
[Emmett hands Ted a pamphlet]
Emmett: Sure. If you ever want see the light, come ourmeeting.
[Brian's. Brian opens the door,and there's Mikey, with all the junk food he can carry:Pizza, KFC, brown paper bags.]
Michael: I thoughed you might been hungry.
Brian: A little? Do you know what we'd turn into if weate all that?
Michael: A couple of fat, flabby fags that no one wouldwant to f*ck, ever?
Brian: Huh. Let's dig in.
[Later,they're sitting on the floor, finishing up the feast]
Brian: Do you know what I remember most about highschool?
Michael: The time in Biology class when you beat off intoa test tube for your science project?
Brian: No, food. It was always lots of food in yourhouse.
Michael: That's an Italian thing. And there was alwaysplenty of booze at your house.
Brian: That's an Irish thing.
[Mike picks up Brian's clipboard]
Michael: What's this? "Reality Checklist."
Brian: Yeah, I'm thinking of simplfy my life.
Michael: "Clotches". You can certainly savemoney on clotches. "Cosmetics."
Brian: Yeah, the French anti-aging sh1t costs a hundreddollars a tube, and I still don't look nineteen.
Michael: "Going out."
Brian: Yeah, I figured that I can probably survivehitting the clubs five times a week instead of six.
Michael: I don't know. It's a really big sacrifice."Loft."
Brian: What do I need all this big expensive space foranyway?
Michael: This is your home. Maybe I come to that.
[He crawls over to Brian and gives him a hug.]
Brian: If you does I just get a rich sugar daddy like theDoc.
Michael: He's not my sugar daddy. If I'm not careful he'snot even my boyfriend.
Brian: What? Trouble in paradise?
Michael: [whispers in Brian's ear] He doesn't know thatI'm here(!)
Brian: You're lying to him already? What, does he thinkI'm going to steal you away from him?
Michael: Last chicken leg. You're the chicken hawk.
Brian: I didn't do what they say. I guess you know that.
Michael: You don't need to explain. Hey, you know what Iremember? Senior year - we're gonna be in that band. Youwere going to be the next Robert Smith.
Brian: Yeah, well that dreamed out real fast.
Michael: We were damn good. Hey, do you still have thatguitar?
[Debbie's. David walks up to thedoor with a big Tupperware bowl of soup.]
Debbie: Hey David.
Vic: Speaking of great chests.
Debbie: Were is Michael?
David: Here. He's here, isn't he?
Debbie: I didn't see him.
David: Well he called and said that you were sick.
Debbie: He did?
David: And he said that he was spending the night here totake care of you. So I thoughed I bring some chickensoup.
Debbie: Oh, that is so thoughful. And just what thedoctor ordered. Hey, you're the doctor.
David: So, you're not sick?
Debbie: Well, that sound disappointed.
Vic: She has a skretchy throat back of winter '86.
[Woody's. Mike and Brian havefound not one guitar, but two, and having a blast onstage. He and Mike are drinking straight out of a bottleof Absolut, falling all over the stage, and wailing asong the lyrics.]
Michael/Brian: Just because you love Doesn't mean I can't have my way Just because I'm leaving Don't mean I don't want to stay.
[The crowd at Woody's loves it. David walks in, glares atthem in disgust and consternation, and stomps out. Theydon't see him.]
[The next morning, Brian'srecovering on his couch while Mel tries to go overpotential questions he might be asked at the hearing.]
Mel: OK, let's go over the question are they goin' to askyou at the hearing.
Brian: Now?
Mel: If you prefer we can wait until they booth your buttout. Yes, now! Christ you ask me to represent you.
Brian: OK. Fine, fire away. But. Gently.
[On cue, Justin turns on the blender.]
Brian: I said gently.
Mel: [screams] Justin, please!
Justin: Sorry.
[He brings over some horrific-looking green goo for Brianto drink.]
Justin: Here, drink this. It's a secret recipe that myalcoholic grandmother used to make.
Brian: Jesus, it smells like a dirty jockstrap.
Mel: Well, in that case, you should like it.
[Justin laughs.]
Brian: The secret is, she pissed in it.
Justin: I just trying to help you. You know I do anything.
Mel: Oh Jesus. Let's just pray the arbitrator's gay and thinks he's cute.
[All of a sudden the loft door opens. It's Lindsay, with Gus. He's wearing a long pointy elf cap and sweater in this rainbow knit, and he's all wide-eyed and giggly. Mel and Lindsay stare at each other in shock.]
Lindsay: I'm sorry, I didn't know you...
Mel: It's okay, neither...
Lindsay: I come back later.
Mel: No, stay. I just helping Brian...
Lindsay: I know he told me. [to Gus] Look, who's here honey.
[Mel hugs and kisses Gus]
Mel: Hey, sweetheart.
Lindsay: He misses you.
Mel: Look, why we don't go over this later?
Lindsay: You don't have to rush off because of me.
Mel: I have to go to work.
[Brian hands the blender cup back to Justin]
Brian: Did you get this sh1t away from me?
Justin: [to Linds] It's my grandmother's receipe. He's totally hung.
Brian: For once, he's not talking about my cock.
[Gus starts to fuss, and Brian grins]
Brian: Don't worry, sonny boy. Your old man will recover.
Lindsay: He not crying over you. He misses Melanie.
Brian: Well, you just had your chance; why didn't you beg her to come back?
Lindsay: Excuse me? She's the one who cheated it.
Brian: Maybe she had a reason.
Lindsay: Now you're taking her side. Huh. That's amusing.After all the years you spent hating her, humiliating her, trying to force her out of our lives, every chance you got -- well, congratulations. You finally got what you wanted.
Brian: Yeah that's right, blame me. Why not? Everybody else does. Maybe you got what you wanted.
Lindsay: Look, I have to go back to work, sooner than I thoughed. Which means I need a sitter.
Justin: I'll do it. I'm great with Gus.
Lindsay: Oh, I'm sure. Only I need someone full-time.
Brian: Justin, get my checkbook.
Lindsay: Are you sure? I mean what's goin' on?
Brian: It's not a problem. I said that I'd look after you and Gus, and I am.
[He writes the check, hands it to her, and gives her a big hug and kiss.]
Brian: I know I smell bad. It's vodka.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[David's. David stomps down the stairs, much to the dismay of a very hung Michael, who's also trying to recover on the couch.]
David: Is something wrong?
Michael: No, not at all. Could you just keep theelephants from running up and down the stairs?
[David slams the hall door.]
David: Excuse me?
Michael: Nothing.
David: You got at three last night.
Michael: I did?
David: Your mother must be really sick.
Michael: Yeah, you know all those flue cov...
David: ...fever cold kind of things? Michael, I know shewasn't sick cause I was over there to find you.
Michael: Oh, sh1t!
David: And then I caught the late show at Woody's.
Michael: Double sh1t!
David: You know, you and Brian play so well together. Ofcourse, I shouldn't be surprised.
Michael: I told you Brian is goin' through a very toughtime right now.
David: Yeah, well, I told you something, too. So, if thisis the way it's going to be, you lying to me so you canbe with him, I think we better re-think things!
[Woody's. Mike's now gettingyelled at by his mother]
Debbie: What's the f*ck is the matter with you? Lying toDavid, telling him I was sick? I don't know what to say!
Vic: Now, that was the first!
Debbie: [to Vic] Shut up!
Michael: Alright I made a mistake.
Debbie: You're damn right you did. And you keep this up.You're not gonna blow it. You hear me?
Michael: I already said I was wrong. If you wanna torturesomebody, go to the S&M bar across the street.
Vic: What's with you guys anyway? This is supposed to bea 'gay' bar, remember?
Ted: I saw Emmett last night with this woman. At leastthat's how she purported to represent herself.
Michael: He really is going straight.
Vic: And so are we. Straight to hell, according to them.
Justin: But doesn't he know that every psychologicalstudy done within the past twenty-five years emphaticallystates that a person's sexual orientation is determinedby the age of six -- sometimes even before birth. It'scompletely unalterable.
Debbie: You tell 'em, Sunshine! A leopard can't changehis stripes. Neither can a queer.
Vic: You know it's a nasty world out there. So, if Emmettdoesn't have the guts to be gay, I say f*ck him.
Ted: But he's still a friend. I just can't let him gothat easy.
[And in walks Kip. Justin recognizes him instantly. He'sreally got to stop letting his mouth hang open like that,though. Justin walks over, leans on the bar]
Justin: Haven't I seen you before?
Kip: That's original. And the answer is, no I don't thinkso.
Justin: No, it was the other night in Babylon. I rememberyou.
Kip: Well, I don't remember you.
[And he walks out.]
[Dave's office. Brian's on thediagnostic table, blowing smoke rings. Dave walks in andbarely acknowledges his presence.]
Brian: Working late, Doc?
David: I do some paperwork. So, I hear you have aproblem.
Brian: Yeah. I've got this pain in my ass.
David: Maybe it's an over-exertion.
Brian: Maybe it's you.
David: So, how can I alleviate your condition?
Brian: You can lay off Mikey.
David: Well my prescription for that would be that youlet you my own business.
Brian: He is my business. And he's going to be mybusiness long after you're gone.
David: I'm not goin' anywhere. Although I did hear thatyou may be on your way out.
Brian: Where told your that?
David: Practically everyone. Although that's not ourconcern.
Brian: Your better half thinks differently.
David: I told my 'better half' to stay out of it.
Brian: By forbidding him to see me. You know, that's nothow you're going to keep him. That's how you're going tolose him.
[David slams a folder closed. Brian stretches]
Brian: You know doc, you are good. That pain I was havingis feeling better already.
[Before he leaves, Brian makes sure that he properlydisposes of his cigarette by dropping it into David'scoffee.]
[Emmett at home, but not alone.Emmett and Heather are cross-legged on the couch, facingeach other, while Roberta Flack and Peabo Bryson croon,"Tonight I Celebrate My Love." They screw theireyes closed and move in for a kiss; Emmett misses by amile, and Heather has to guide him back to her mouth.]
Heather: Feel anything?
Emmett: Numb, tingling sensation but then I realized mylegs are asleep. How about you?
Heather: A queasiness in my stomach? Like when you eat abad clam. Look we don't have to do this.
Emmett: No! I want a success story.
Heather: So do I!
Emmett: Maybe we fantasized. You think about the perfectman, and I'll think about the perfect woman.
Heather: It's a crutch, but if it helps us walk...
[As Emmett and Heather move in again, Emmett fantasizesthat a beautiful naked woman is standing in the doorwaybehind Heather's head. Heather fantasizes that a gorgeousnaked man is standing in the doorway behind Emmett'shead. The fantasizing sort of seems to be working. Emmettand Heather pull away from each other.]
Emmett: Well?
Heather: Keep trying.
[They kiss again, and this time, Heather fantasizes thatthe beautiful woman is behind Emmett's head. And then thebeautiful woman is in front of her, where Emmett used tobe, and they lean in for a kiss. On Emmett's end,Heather's been replaced by the gorgeous man. The camerakeeps cutting back between Emmett kissing his fantasy,and Heather kissing hers, and finally to the two of themkissing enthusiastically, with their fantasies standingin doorways behind them, bathed in red light.]
Emmett: And?
Heather: I'm starting to feel something.
Emmett: Me, too.
[And they attack each other on the couch, and then attacktheir fantasies on the couch]
[The alley behind Babylon. Kipwalks through]
Justin: Hey.
Kip: Oh, it's you again. You don't give up easily, doyou?
Justin: Do you want me to?
Kip: Did we really seen before?
Justin: Sure, I think about that guy, Brian.
Kip: How do you now him?
Justin: Everybody knows Brian Kinney. He's a realasshole.
Kip: Oh, really?
Justin: Yeah. He's always coming onto you, acting like helikes you; really all he cares about is getting laid.
Kip: How do you know him? Did he break your heart?
Justin: f*ck, no! I'd never fall for his sh1t. Besides,he's not my type. Is he yours?
Kip: What, are you kidding? So...what is your type?
[Justin kisses Kip passionately, and then pulls away justfar enough for Kip to have to go in after him.]
[Emmett's bedroom. Emmett'smoving on top of Heather, making weird grunting noises.In his head, he's hearing Ty and the other Lighterschant, "You can do it. You can do it. You can doit!" Heather's sort of lying there -- not looking athim, not touching him, and hoping that it will be allover soon. Emmett finally rolls off her, and there theyare, both naked as jaybirds. They hurriedly pull thecovers up.]
Heather: So, how was it for you?
Emmett: You know, I didn't hate it.
Heather: Oh?
Emmett: You?
Heather: It wasn't nearly as disgusting as I thought itwas going to be.
Emmett: The fantasies really helped.
Heather: Who was yours?
Emmett: Jodie Foster in Anna and the King. You?
Heather: Matthew McConaughey in A Time to Kill.
Emmett: Too bad we didn't use Contact. We could have beenin the same movie.
Heather: Well, we have our success story!
Emmett: Yay, us!
[Kip's. Kip and Justin aregetting it on. As Kip licks his nipple ring.]
Kip: Your hot little fucker.
Justin: You're hotter yourself.
Kip: Oh yeah.
Justin: Go on, lick it. You're hotter than the guy I hadlast week. He wanted to put me in short pants and spankme.
Kip: I wanna much more than that. I wanna show you.
[Justin pulls off the couch to give him a blow job.]
Justin: Better hurry up.
Kip: What's the rush?
Justin: I've got a stupid curfew, can you believe it? Myparents want me home by midnight.
Kip: You live with your parents?
Justin: Where else would I live? I'm seventeen.
Kip: Seventeen? So, how do you get into the bar?
Justin: Fake ID? I don't tell my dad, though. Like, hegoes totally psycho. Like he did when he found out I wasgay.
Kip: Your dad went psycho?
Justin: He went after the f*ck I was f*cking and turnedhim into the police.
Kip: The police?
Justin: He'll be out in ten years.
[Still undeterred, Kip goes back to the blow job.]
Justin: If he knew I was here!
Kip: How would he know?
Justin: Oh, there's no way. Unless I told him.
Kip: But, you wouldn't do that, would you?
Justin: Of course not. I would never do that, providedyou do something for me.
[The deposition. Mel and Briansit next to each other at a huge table. No one else hasshown up yet.]
Mel: Remember, let me do the talking.
Brian: Yeah, you always do.
Mel: And when the investigator from HR ask you somethingconfer with me first.
Brian: I got it! Listen, however this plays out, thanks.You didn't have to help me; you could have just said'f*ck you.'
Mel: I know.
[Ryder comes in]
Ryder: Hey you are. I was looking for ya.
Brian: This is Mr.Ryder, my boss. This is Melanie Marcus,my attorney.
Ryder: Nice to meet you. Look, Liberty Air just award anew route to La Guardia. They're competing with majorairlines in Northeast.
Brian: So?
Ryder: So, they wanna go national with your campaigne.Your got a lot of work to do.
Mel: What about the hearing?
Ryder: Forget about the hearing -- that matter's beendropped.
Mel: Dropped?
Brian: What happened?
Ryder: Damned if I know, and who the hell cares? Be in myoffice in five minutes.
[Mel plops back down in her seat]
Mel: Un-fucking-believable! Jesus, what are you, Mr.Teflon? sh1t just never sticks to you!
[The next See the Light meeting.Ty, standing with Emmett and Heather, invites Emmett tojoin their bowling league.]
Ty: You know. It's just the guys.
[Emmett sees Mike and Ted at the entrance and walks over.Mike's way uncomfortable]
Michael: Maybe we should go.
Emmett: Well, this is a surprise. Welcome to See theLight.
Michael: With the way some of these people are dressed,they should change it to 'Turn off the Light.'
Emmett: So, what is this -- some, like, intervention?You're going to kidnap me and throw me in the back of avan? I'm telling you right now, I'm not getting in theback of any van.
Michael: There is no van.
Emmett: I don't get a van? I'd think, at the very least,you could rent a van.
Ted: It's just us, okay? And we came here...I don't knowwhy the f*ck we came here, but we tried talking to you,we tried reasoning with you --
Michael: We sent a p0rn star.
Ted: A thousand dollars.
Michael: That's okay, just let it go.
Ty: C'mon everyone. Let's form a "Circle ofLight".
Ted: We wanted to let you know that we still love you.Maybe not as much as Jesus. But almost. And we're gonnato miss you.
Michael: Especially the way you dance with your handsabove your head, and your Liza impersonation. That's theway I'll always remember you.
Emmett: Thanks. But I don't think God appreciates itquite as much as you do.
Ted: I think God appreciates it even more. Because hecreated you in His image. At least, that's what I wasalways taught. And since God is love, and God doesn'tmake any mistakes, then you must be exactly the way Hewants you to be. The way He intended you to be. That goesfor every person, every planet, every mountain, everygrain of sand, every song. Every tear. And every faggot.We're all His, Emmett. He loves us all.
[Heather, sitting nearby, got every word, and looks likeshe's going to cry. Mike tries to kiss Emmett goodbye,but Emmett stiffly turns his cheek. Mike kisses itanyway, and hugs him. Ted's also close to tears as Mikeleads him out. ]
Ty: We're about to get start it. Come into our circle oflight, hmm? We like to start every meeting with a successstory. And tonight I just feel that Emmett and Heatherhave a success story, don't ya?
[Mike at David's living-roomtable. He's putting some of his comics in plasticsleeves. ]
David: You've got to be pretty careful with those, huh?
Michael: Yeah, their pretty valuable. So you gottaprotect them from the light. You must be still mad at me,hmm?
David: No. I'm not mad at you.
Michael: Well, I want you to know that I'm sorry that Ilied.
David: I'm sorry to. Sometimes I guess I just get alittle worked up over, uh --
Michael: Brian?
David: Over Brian.
Michael: I've known him practically my entire life. Ican't just stop seeing him.
David: You shouldn't have to. You should feel free to seewhomever you want to see. After all, this is arelationship -- it's not a maximum-security lockup.
[Mike kisses him.]
David: So are you and Brian getting the band backtogether?
Michael: No, I think the Backstreet Boys have usurped ourformer glory.
David: Hey, you wanna go out tonight?
Michael: Sure.
David: Well, you go.
Michael: But what about you?
David: No, I'm not in the mood. I'll stay here. But yougo, you dance, you torture all those boys with yoursculpted torso and then you come home to me.
Michael: I think I have a better idea.
[He goes to the radio, turns it on, and starts to gyratearound David.]
[Babylon! Tonight's specialty --water pouring down on naked go-go dancers in plasticbooths. At the bar, Ted and Mel sulk together.]
Mel: A Cosmopolitan. How... cosmopolitan.
Ted: Emmett used to say, 'In Pittsburgh, it's as close asyou can get.'
Mel: I know how much you are goin' to miss him.
Ted: Actually, you don't. But thanks for the sentiment.
Mel: How about to dance?
Ted: It would just remind me of him.
Mel: Another drink?
Ted: I'll start to cry.
[On the dance floor, Brian and Justin get down. Brianpicks up Justin's shirt off the ground and hands it tohim.]
Brian: Your loosing your shirt.
Justin: You almost lost yours.
Brian: Yeah, I still have no idea why he dropped the sue.
Justin: It's a mystery.
Brian: I guess I'll have to be more careful who I f*ck.
Justin: Lucky for you, I turn eighteen tomorrow.
Brian: What do you want for your birthday?
[Back at the bar.]
Mel: What about a nice stiff dick?
Ted: Now you're starting to sound like him. I rememberhow he always used to say, 'It's just not s*x...
Emmett: Without something up your butt.
[And there'sEmmett, leaning on the bar on the other side of Mel,sipping a Cosmopolitan. Heather's with him, cowboy-hattedand shaking her booty to beat the band.]
Ted: Oh, now you've come to Babylon to proselytize.
[Emmett, wearing a skin-tight t-shirt with Asian designsall over it.]
Emmett: That's not why we're there.
Heather: We've seen the light.
Mel and Ted: We know.
Emmett: A different light.
Mel: What about your success story?
Emmett: Oh, we have a success story, all right.
Heather: We're shared with the group.
Emmett: We told them some of us are meant to eat pussy.And some of us are meant to suck cock. But either way,God loves us.
Heather: They agreed that God loves us.
Emmett: Uh huh. And then they told us to get the fuckout.
[He and Heather bust up laughing.]
Ted: [skeptically] So, you're really back?
[Emmett snaps his fingers over his head]
Emmett: Honey, my flame has been rekindled and is burningbrighter than ever.
[He kisses Mel on the top of her head. Ted, about to cry,again, gives Emmett a big hug. Emmett spills his drinkall over him. Just like old times. Heather grabs Mel'shand and leads her to the dance floor. Emmett takes a sipof his Cosmopolitan, and then he and Ted also take thefloor. In the middle of the swirling bouncing bodies.]
Emmett: Do you feel that gay thump-thump? God, how Imissed that! | Plan: A: Brian; Q: Who is named in the sexual harassment suit? A: Melanie; Q: Who does Brian turn to for legal advice? A: Emmett; Q: Who starts dating a woman in his attempt to go straight? A: Michael; Q: Who lies to David about seeing Brian? Summary: Brian is named in the sexual harassment suit and turns to Melanie for legal advice; Emmett starts dating a woman in his continuing attempt to go straight; Michael lies to David about seeing Brian. |
Act 1 Scene 1 - Niles' Bedroom
Fade in. Niles and Daphne are in bed, asleep and holding hands. (And before you frantically scroll down: No, this isn't a dream, for you or Niles.)
Daphne, frowning a bit in her sleep, rolls first one way then the other, finally throwing her arm across Niles' chest and waking him. Niles ruffles her hair to see if she's awake, then carefully rolls her over onto her back. He pulls the covers back up to her chin - then pulls them back for one last look down her front. A satisfied smile on his face, he settles back down.
Daphne rolls away, taking all the covers from him, then rolls again to snuggle against his back. Apparently thinking this is a pleasant enough compromise, Niles again grins and settles back to try and sleep.
Daphne flails out with her arm and pushes him off the bed entirely, still asleep. Niles pokes his head back up, wondering what to do.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Scene 2 - Frasier's Apartment Fade in. Frasier and Kirby are studying at the dining table.
Frasier: All right, Kirby, we've got a few minutes before your mother
gets here. One last question: In our studies this week, what did we learn about William Henry Harrison?
Kirby: Well, I guess I would say that this week we learned that William Henry Harrison was... a great man... who was important ...because he was...
Frasier: President?
Kirby: No. Yes! Yes.
Frasier: Good, good. And which president was he?
Kirby: Of the United States.
Frasier: I mean which number?
Kirby looks confused.
Frasier: All right, here's a hint: He was elected in eighteen-forty.
Kirby: Eighteen.
Frasier: No.
Kirby: Fortieth?
Frasier: Kirby! Did you do any reading this week?
Kirby: Sort of.
Frasier: What does "sort of" mean?
Kirby: No.
Frasier: Right. Why not?
Kirby: 'Cause it's a bunch of junk I'm never gonna need to know.
Frasier: Yes, Kirby, this "junk", as you call it, may seem unimportant to you now, but knowing something about where we came from may help you to decide where you wish to go. Now, let's start learning about history, lest you be condemned to repeat it. [He pushes the text book over to Kirby.] Start reading. Continue until your mother gets here.
Martin comes in the front with Eddie.
Frasier: Hi, Dad.
Martin: Hey, Fras. You know that guy, Roger, on fourteen, has that little Scottish Terrier?
Frasier: MacDuff?
Martin: Right. Well, Roger's invited all these dogs from the park to a party, for MacDuff's birthday. Except Eddie, thank God! Have you ever heard of anything more ridiculous?
Frasier: I see. And putting a hat on Eddie, for every major holiday, that's normal?
Martin: Well, it's not every holiday.
Frasier: Oh, Dad, please! He's got a Santa cap for Christmas, he's got a top hat for New Year's Eve, he's got a tam o'shanter for St. Patrick's day...
Martin: Well, they're just hats! It's not a whole party. I mean, a dog doesn't know it's his birthday any more than he knows it's Friday or Saturday or...
Frasier: Or Cinco de Mayo?
Martin: That sombrero was a gift!
Frasier notices Kirby watching them.
Frasier: Keep reading!
Martin: It's nice you're helpin' the kid out.
Frasier: Yeah, well, truth be told, Dad, I'm actually... I've made a little agreement with Lana. You see, if I help Kirby get a passing grade, Lana will set me up with one of her girlfriends, Claire.
Martin: Oh. I remember when you used to tutor kids so they wouldn't beat you up. So I guess this is progress, huh?
He heads off to his room. The doorbell rings.
Frasier: That'll be your mother. He opens the door to reveal Lana as Kirby puts his things away.
Frasier: Hi, Lana. Come on in.
Lana: Hi, Frasier. You guys have a good study session today?
Kirby: Primo.
Frasier: Oh, yes, we're making excellent progress.
Lana: Really? So, what did you learn today?
Kirby: Uh, well, today I learned about William Henry Harrison, who was our...
Frasier holds up nine fingers.
Kirby: ...uh, ninth president. Frasier gives him a thumbs up.
Frasier: I mean tenth. [Frasier waves.] I mean ninth.
Lana: Good, not bad. So you're one step closer to getting your prom privileges back.
Kirby: Mom, I told you, I'm not goin'.
Lana: Why not? Because you and Kristi broke up?
Kirby: Thanks for spreadin' that around, Mom!
Lana: Oh, Frasier doesn't care. He went to the prom with his brother.
Frasier: Thanks for spreading THAT around! Kirby, listen, can I have a word alone with your mother, please?
Kirby: Sure.
Lana hands Kirby her car keys.
Lana: Here, sit in the car. You can listen to the radio. Kirby heads for the elevator and Lana shouts after him.
Lana: But don't change my presets again. When you're in my car, it's my hits OR NOTHING!
She closes the door and turns to Frasier.
Lana: What did you want to talk about?
Frasier: Well, actually, I was wondering if you'd had a chance to talk to Claire, yet, seeing as how Kirby may be getting a passing grade.
Lana: Actually, I saw Claire yesterday.
Frasier: Oh, you did! That's wonderful news! Now, I was thinking for our first date, I thought perhaps Tapas. Now I know that sounds a little whimsical, but hear me out on this...
Lana: Frasier, Frasier, look, all I did was mention you were tutoring Kirby. But she was very impressed.
Frasier: But you were supposed to set us up. We had a deal!
Lana: I'm phasing you in slowly. Look, she just broke up with Neil because he was rushing things. Trust me, if you don't time this right you're going to blow it.
Frasier: All right, there's no need to explain it to me. If anyone understands the value of restraint and taking things slowly, it's yours truly.
Lana: Frasier, as I recall, on our first date, you got me up to your apartment on false pretenses, you plied me with wine, you got me into bed and then tried to weasel out of ever seeing me again.
She goes out the door. Frasier opens the door behind her and calls out.
Frasier: I think "plied" is a bit strong! He closes the door, looking embarrassed. FADE OUT. Scene 3 - Cafe Nervosa
Fade in. Roz is getting a coffee to go and turns to join Frasier at a table.
Roz: Hey, Frasier. I have a work-related proposal I want to run by you.
Frasier: Well, Roz, I'm always open to new ideas. Creative thoughts, outside-the-box thinking, that sort of thing.
Roz: I want Friday the fifteenth off. But be aware, if you say "No," you'll be crushing a dream I've had since college.
Frasier: A three-day weekend, that's quite a dream.
Roz: My dream is to have front row seats at Bruce Springsteen. That way, when he starts doing "Dancing in the Dark", there's a chance he'll pull me up on stage with him.
Frasier: I see. And this concert is on a Friday afternoon?
Roz: No, grandpa. The tickets go on sale Saturday and I want to be the first in line.
Frasier: Oh, well, if you hadn't called me "grandpa," I would have found a polite way to no, but as it is, no.
Roz: I can't believe I could have just called in sick instead of telling you the truth. I just wasted perfectly good honesty on you!
She gets up to leave, running into Daphne and Niles as they are coming in.
Daphne: Hey, Roz.
Roz: His Royal Highness is here.
Niles: Hey, Frasier.
Frasier: Oh, hi, Niles.
Daphne: Coffee, Niles?
Niles: Yes, please. I'll have the French roast, with three shots of espresso.
Daphne: The Defibrillator?
Niles: Yeah, that's the one.
Daphne goes to get the coffee, Niles sits down.
Frasier: A quick little pick-me-up, Niles?
Niles: Oh, I am exhausted. Sleeping with Daphne, I'm not getting any rest. The way she gyrates, it's like...
Frasier: Stop the simile! No use in conjuring up imagery I'll only have to repress later.
Niles: I'm talking about actual sleeping, you degenerate jughead.
Daphne comes back to the table and kisses Niles.
Daphne: Hey, sweetie.
Niles: Hey. I was just telling Frasier about your nightly tossing and turning.
He pats his knee and she sits on his lap.
Niles: She's like a tuna on a trawler deck.
Daphne: I told you: I'm gonna need time to adjust to sleeping with someone. Until then you're just going to have to fight me off.
Niles: Oh, I tried, you hurled me to the floor!
Daphne: You've never minded the rough stuff before.
Frasier: [closes his book] No that's it, I'm leaving.
He starts to get up, but notices Claire in line.
Frasier: Good lord, it's Claire.
Daphne: I thought you liked her.
Frasier: Oh, I do.
Niles: So what's the problem?
Frasier: Lana has told me I am under no circumstances to ask her out on a date! She says that if I rush things, I will ruin my chances.
The waiter brings Niles and Daphne's coffee. Claire notices Frasier.
Claire: Frasier! Frasier gets up. Daphne moves to his seat.
Frasier: Claire, hi. Fancy seeing you here.
Claire: I just came from the opera house. Can you believe Don Giovanni is sold out? I wish I knew someone with a subscription.
Frasier: Oh, you know, I could... I could call someone for you.
Claire: Oh, hey, that would be great. And hey, while you're at it, see if you can't find someone who likes sherry. You know, Les Habitants is having a tasting that week and I can't find anyone who enjoys sherry as much as I do. Of course, I always have trouble finding people who share my interests, I've been trying to convince someone to go to London with me and see the new Tate Gallery and the Old Globe Theater and finally I just gave up and tomorrow I'm going alone for ten days. Life's just too short!
Frasier: Go out with me!
As Claire looks surprised, Frasier looks around for a way to seem a little calmer. FADE OUT.
A WAIST IS A TERRIBLE
THING TO MIND
Scene 4 - Lana's Kitchen
Fade in. Kirby is sitting at the table with the textbook, Frasier is lecturing a point to him.
Frasier: The trick to remembering the difference between William Henry Harrison and William Howard Taft is a simple mnemonic device.
Kirby: A what?
Frasier: It's a trick. Harrison died in office after his first month, so we say "William Henry Harrison Was Hardly Healthy". And you can't spell "Taft" without the letters f-a-t.
Kirby: So now to remember two things, I have to remember two other things. Plus the first two things. That's FOUR things.
Frasier: Yes, yes, but the first two things are easier to remember and they are clues to the second. Will you just try to keep up, Kirby?
Kirby: What are you getting all up in my face for?
Frasier: Because you are not working hard enough.
Kirby: Well, who's fault is that?
Frasier: Yours!
Kirby: Whatever, dude.
Lana comes in the back door with groceries.
Lana: How's it going?
Kirby: Well, I'm cool.
Frasier: As am I.
Lana: Oh, Frasier, you staying for dinner?
Frasier: Sure.
Lana: Kirby, go wash up. [He gets up and heads out.] And USE WATER!
Frasier: Listen, Lana, um... I, I ran into Claire this afternoon, and well, we got to talking, and it seems as though we'll... we're going to be going out together.
The phone begins to ring.
Lana: You what? I told you the timing wasn't right. You went behind my back!
Frasier: Yes, well you convinced me you held the keys to Claire's kingdom and the truth is, I didn't need the key! When I got there the gates were open, the mat said "Welcome Frasier"!
Lana: Well, if you think you are walking out on Kirby, you can think again!
The answering machine picks up the phone.
Frasier: Listen, there is no point in tutoring him if he is not willing to learn!
Claire: [v.o. from answering machine] Hi, Lana, it's Claire. Listen, Frasier asked me out today and I said yes. He seems very sweet. [Frasier grins.] Of course, he was also a little eager which is always a turn-off. [Frasier's grin fades.] So I might back out, unless you think he's a catch, do you, is he? So anyway, I'll be back next week, give me a call, let me know what you think, bye.
Lana: [now the one smiling smugly] Hmmm, what do I think?
Frasier: Perhaps I spoke hastily.
Lana: I think... I want Kirby to get a C.
Frasier: What? You said all he had to get was a passing grade!
Lana: Well, that's before you went behind my back. And just for arguing, I want a B!
Frasier: That's crazy!
Lana: Well, keep talking mister, and I'll go for an A!
Frasier: All right, all right, a B it is!
Kirby comes back in.
Kirby: What am I doing again? Oh yeah, I'm washing up. He turns around and heads out again.
Lana: Okay, a B minus.
[SCENE_BREAK]
End of Act 1 Act 2 Scene 1 - Niles' Bedroom
Fade in. Niles and Daphne are again in bed. When Daphne moves in her sleep, Niles nervously comes awake, then settles back down. Daphne rolls to the side with the covers and Niles tenses defensively.
Daphne rolls back towards him, then swings her arm back across his chest, where Niles throws his hands up to catch it. He rolls her back over to her side of the bed. Getting his watch from the nightstand, he notes the time with a look of frustration.
As he starts to settle down again, Daphne begins rolling to his side of the bed quickly. Niles leaps over her, but misjudges his inertia and keeps moving to fall off the side of the bed. FADE OUT.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Scene 2 - Café Nervosa Fade in. Kirby and Frasier are at a tutoring session.
Frasier: All right, Kirby, I'm going to make you an offer: If you will agree to knuckle down and study, I will treat you to a sumptuous meal at Les Habitants. How does that sound?
Kirby: You and me at a fancy French restaurant?
Frasier: That's right.
Kirby: Kinda gay.
Roz comes in.
Roz: Hey, Frasier.
Frasier: Oh, hi, Roz. Kirby, this is my producer, Roz Doyle. Roz, this is Kirby, my... tutee.
Roz: Well, study hard, but remember: school isn't everything. I wasn't exactly an egghead and look how I turned out.
Frasier: Yes, all right, Roz. I'm just trying to motivate the boy, not scare him straight.
She gives him a dirty look as he waves her off.
Kirby: She has gotta be pretty distracting around the office, huh?
Frasier: Oh, yes, well, sometimes. But she's union, so you put up with it.
Kirby: No, I mean she's hot!
Frasier: Just stop that. You stick to girls your own age.
Kirby: Yeah, I had one, she dumped me.
Frasier: Sorry to hear that.
Kirby: I don't care. She can go to the prom with anyone she wants.
Frasier: Wait a moment. Is that what all this current malaise is about? Heartbreak?
Kirby: No! I'm way over it. But you know what would be awesome is if I could go to the prom with some totally hot older chick like Roz. That would totally burn up Kristi. All my friends would be like "Whoa, she's so hot!"
Frasier: Kirby, you just put that thought completely out of your mind because....
He stops for a brief flash.
Frasier: Kirby, if I could convince Roz to go to the prom with you, would you commit to learning this material? And think hard before you answer, because if it's "yes", you're in my house, mister.
Kirby takes another look at Roz.
Kirby: I'm in. They shake on it.
Frasier: Deal. Now listen, we'll just keep this between us. There's no need to tell your mom.
Kirby: No problem.
Frasier: Great.
Kirby: So, how you gonna get her to go with me?
Frasier: Oh, you just leave that up to me and Mr. Bruce Springsteen.
Kirby: [raising a fist] The Boss!
Frasier: No, Bruce Springsteen.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Scene 3 - Frasier's Apartment Fade in. Frasier and Kirby are again studying at the dining table.
Kirby: You never said there was gonna be pop quizzes.
Frasier: That's the "pop" part. But don't despair, Kirby, you got nineteen out of twenty-five, well done. [laughs] Looks like you're well on your way to that prom. Now let's see that essay you wrote.
As Kirby hands it over, Martin comes from his room playing tug-o-war with Eddie.
Martin: Eddie, Eddie, Eddie, Eddie...
Frasier: Dad, you mind? We're trying to work here.
Martin: I'm sorry, I'm just trying to raise Eddie's spirits. Today's that stupid doggy party he wasn't invited to.
Frasier: You still on that?
Martin: Eddie's the heart and soul of that doggy group. He's been goin' to that park for years. Half those people wouldn't even know each other if it wasn't for us. Now they're down there drinkin' beer and swappin' stories. Look at him, it's just breaking Eddie's heart.
Eddie is happily squirming on his back on the couch.
Frasier: Eddie's fine, Dad. Seems you're the one who feels left out.
Martin: I do not! And it just so happens that we've got plans for this afternoon, anyway, big plans.
The phone rings and Martin answers it.
Martin: Hello? [nonchalant] Oh, hi, Roger. Oh, party? No, hadn't heard about it. Oh, really? Well, yeah I guess we could come down. Sure, okay. Well, uh, be right down. Okay, bye.
He hangs up the phone and becomes excited.
Martin: I knew it! The invite musta got lost in the mail. Well, see you later boys, it's party time!
He goes out the front. Eddie goes to the arm of the couch expectantly. Martin comes back in a moment later.
Martin: [sheepish] Forgot the dog. He motions Eddie out the door, following. FADE OUT. Scene 4 - Les Habitants Fade in. Claire and Frasier are at a table together.
Frasier: This is fun.
Claire: It is. You know, I think restaurants are like museums. Great food, like great art, has the ability to both elevate and inspire.
Frasier: Oh, I so agree. But one must dine with some savoir faire. You won't get much out of it if you're just some Philistine walking in off the street.
Kirby comes in with Roz, some friends and their dates.
Friend: Dude, fancy!
Kirby: [to Maitre D'] Hello, my good man. Reservation for Gardner.
Maitre D': Of course. This way, please.
Kirby: [whispering to Roz] So, um, would you order some wine for us?
Roz: No. Let's get something straight: if you get drunk, the evening is over. And if you fondle, massage or cup any portion of my body the evening is over. Got it?
Kirby: Man, you're like a total prude, huh?
Roz: Yes, I am.
Maitre D': [as they sit] Would any one of you like a drink?
Kirby: Yes. The lady and I will have the Coca Cola.
Roz: Yeah, and make sure the lady's has a lot of Jack Daniels in it. [to Kirby] Never order for your date, it's cheesy.
Angle on - Frasier ordering at his table.
Frasier: And the lady will have the filet. He hands the menus over and the waiter leaves.
Frasier: Well, a toast: To this moment, too long delayed and too quick to pass.
They clink glasses. Lana comes in and steps over to their table.
Lana: Hey, you guys! Hi. What are you doing here? [gives Frasier a playful shove]
Claire: We're having a date.
Frasier: Yes, what are YOU doing here? [gives her a warning shove]
Lana: Oh, I'm looking for Kirby, it's his prom night, he left his camera at home.
Frasier: Kirby? Is here?
Lana: Somewhere, he said you told him about this place.
Frasier: Right, right. So I did.
Lana: Oh, there he is. See you guys later.
Frasier: [rising] Listen, Lana, Lana, wait! You know, maybe I should take the camera to the boy. I mean, seeing you here will only embarrass him.
Lana: Oh please, he's used to that. Besides, the one who should be embarrassed is that boy who's with his mother.
Frasier sits back down, looking nervous as Lana goes over to the other table.
Claire: Lana is such a great mom. She really cares about her kids.
Frasier: She sure does.
Lana begins yelling.
Lana: WHAT DO YOU MEAN, SHE'S WITH YOU?!?!
Frasier: Will you excuse me a moment?
He hurries over to the other table.
Kirby: Mom, would you cool out?
Lana: How do you expect me to cool out when you're with... what are you, a hooker?
Roz: What?
Friend: You're a hooker?
Roz: No, I'm not!
Frasier: She works for me.
Friend: You're her pimp?
The Maitre D' comes over.
Maitre D': Is there a problem?
Frasier: No, no, everything's perfectly fine.
Lana: You know this tramp?
Frasier: Yes, I do.
Roz: Frasier!
Frasier: Well, I'm sorry! Lana, please. This is all innocent enough. I only did this to motivate the boy.
Lana: By promising him s*x?
Roz: You promised him s*x?
Friend: You're gettin' s*x!
Frasier: I did NOT promise him s*x!
Lana: [grabs Kirby by the arm] You are coming with me!
Kirby: Mom, I'm not going.
Claire gets up and comes over behind them.
Frasier: Lana, let me explain. I set him up with Roz in exchange for his studying.
Lana: That's disgusting!
Frasier: It's no different than you promising me a date with Claire in exchange for tutoring Kirby.
Claire: Excuse me?
Frasier: Claire.
Claire: You traded me like a commodity?
Lana: Oh, get off your high horse!
Kirby: You tutored me to get to her?
Frasier: Kirby...
Claire: I can't believe you used me, Lana!
Lana: Well, get a little perspective here, my son's here with a prostitute!
Roz: [rising] If you call me that one more time, lady...!
Lana: Listen, sister, I'll call you anything I want to...!
Claire: What did you do, dangle me like bait?!
Roz: Who's the prostitute now?
Claire: Who the hell are you?
Lana: Sit down!
Kirby: You said you cared about my education, but you're just as big a liar as Richard M. Nixon, our thirty-seventh president!
The Maitre D' steps up again.
Maitre D': I'm going to have to ask you all to leave.
Lana: Fine with me. Kirby, let's go!
Kirby: I'm not goin' anywhere.
Claire: Well, I am.
She starts to leave.
Frasier: No, no, no, STOP IT EVERYBODY! Everyone in the restaurant stops what they're doing and looks at him.
Frasier: Fellow diners, if you will all bear with me for just a moment, please. Kirby, you are going to pass history and you are going to graduate from high school. Roz, you are going to get your Springsteen tickets. Lana, if there is anyone with whom your son could expect to have a thoroughly wholesome, innocent and chaste date, it is Roz Doyle. Claire, the only reason Lana did what she did was out of love for her son.
Kirby looks contrite, Lana smacks him with her purse.
Frasier: And if I compromised my ethics, it was only because I found myself so... utterly beguiled by you.
Claire: Frasier, you are a strange and charming man.
Frasier: You have no idea.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Scene 5 - A Street in Seattle Fade in. Frasier is sitting on a stoop, talking into his cell phone.
Frasier: Hi, Lana, it's Frasier. Yeah, I was hoping I could uh, maybe switch times with Kirby tomorrow. Say, move it up to four o'clock, just after school? Great, great, good. Well, Claire and I have plans. Yeah, I guess we are hitting it off. [He laughs.] She said what about me? You're joking! Oh, you are joking. What DID she say about me? Really? Well, I guess it just proves she's a sucker for sophistication, taste and, dare I say it, old world charm.
A man on the stoop next to Frasier leans over.
Man: Hey buddy. If the cops come back around, can I stash something in your bag?
Frasier: I'll have to call you back.
He disconnects and puts the phone away, then pulls a sleeping bag up and hunkers down. The scene pulls back to reveal he is first in line next to a signboard reading "BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN TICKETS ON SALE SATURDAY
10:00 AM."
[SCENE_BREAK]
Niles is again sleeping next to Daphne, a smile on his face. As she begins to toss and turn, taking the covers with her, his smile stays and he simply rolls to his side. Daphne rolls up to cuddle behind him, then lashes out, pushing him off the bed, where he lands on a strategically placed mattress. Still smiling, he pulls a blanket over himself and settles down for the night. | Plan: A: Lana; Q: Who has agreed to ensure that Frasier gets a chance with Claire? A: her son; Q: Who is Kirby? A: a passing grade; Q: What does Lana want Kirby to get in U.S. History? A: their own arrangement; Q: What do Roz and Kirby come to? A: his prom; Q: What does Kirby promise to study hard for if Roz will accompany him to? A: a Bruce Springsteen concert; Q: What concert did Roz want to attend? A: the tickets; Q: What does Roz want to get for Bruce Springsteen's concert? Summary: Lana has agreed to ensure that Frasier gets a chance with Claire, if he tutors her son Kirby in U.S. History so that he gets a passing grade. Frasier finds Kirby difficult to motivate, until he introduces him to Roz. They come to their own arrangement: Kirby promises to study hard if Frasier can persuade Roz to accompany him to his prom. Roz has already asked Frasier for a particular day off, so she can queue for tickets to a Bruce Springsteen concert, and he has refused. Now, therefore, he offers to get the tickets for her if she will do this for Kirby. |
Oscar: Here are our final actual costs for this year.
Michael: Mmm... okay.
Oscar: As you can see, we did pretty well, so...
Michael: Yes. Yes, I can see... that we did indeed. Why don't you explain this to me like I am an eight-year old.
Oscar: Alright, well this is the overall budget for this fiscal year along the x-axis...
Michael: Yes.
Oscar: Right there.
Michael: There's the x-ax...icks.
Oscar: You can see clearly on this page that we have a surplus of $4300.
Michael: Mmhmm, okay.
Oscar: But we have to spend that by the end of the day or it will be deducted from next year's budget.
Michael: Why don't you explain this to me like I'm five.
Oscar: Your mommy and daddy give you ten dollars to open up a lemonade stand. So you go out and you buy cups and you buy lemons and you buy sugar. And now you find out that it only costs you nine dollars.
Michael: Ho-oh!
Oscar: So you have an extra dollar.
Michael: Yeah.
Oscar: So you can give that dollar back to mommy and daddy, but guess what? Next summer...
Michael: I'll be six.
Oscar: And you ask them for money, they're gonna give you nine dollars. 'Cause that's what they think it costs to run the stand. So what you want to do is spend that dollar on something now, so that your parents think it costs ten dollars to run the lemonade stand.
Michael: So the dollar's a surplus. This is a surplus.
Oscar: We have to spend that $4300 by the end of the day or it'll be deducted from next year's budget.
Michael: [whistles poorly] Whoo.
Oscar: We should spend this money on a new copier, which we desperately need.
Michael: Okay, break it down in terms of, um... okay, I-I think I'm getting you...
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: Guess what, everybody? Christmas has come early this year. Oscar, very smartly, has discovered an extra $4300 in the budget. Thank you, Oscar. And I have decided with that money I am going to buy a new, drum roll please... [imitates drum roll] Can anybody guess?
Pam: New chairs?
Michael: No, a new copier! [only Oscar applauds] Unless everybody can agree on something better?
Oscar: No, no, please. Please do not do this.
Pam: Yes, Michael, new chairs. These chairs are terrible. We were supposed to get new ones last year.
Michael: So... we all agree to get new chairs then. Good?
Pam: [over indistinct conversation] Good? Yeah, he said good, I'm good...
Oscar: Now listen, we are a paper company. How can we take pride in our jobs if we have to put our fine paper in this wretched machine?
Pam: Oscar, no. This is not the time for one of your principled stands.
Oscar: Pam, you make more copies than anyone.
Pam: Exactly. That should tell you how terrible the chairs are.
Michael: Okay. Okay, good suggestions. All good suggestions. Uh, let's just decide and agree upon one.
Stanley: I'm with Pam. Chairs.
Michael: Alright, so, teams forming.
Toby: We should really have the office's air quality tested. We have radon coming from below, we have asbestos in the ceilings. These are silent killers.
Michael: You are the silent killer. Go back to the annex.
Toby: You'll see.
Pam: Michael?
Michael: Yes.
Pam: I've talked to Meredith, Stanley and Jim about the chairs. I know they're with me on this.
Jim: Uh, actually, I'm gonna go with copier.
Pam: What? Jim.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Jim: Ever since Pam and I started dating, I just feel weird asking her to make copies for me. So, I make my own copies. And that copier sucks. Let me tell you, I-But you know what? Pam and I don't have to agree on everything.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Meredith: Jim, good for you, standing up to Pam like that.
Creed: The balls on you, man.
Oscar: So Michael, what do you think?
Michael: Why me?
Jim: You have to make the decision.
Michael: Wow, okay. Well... I swallowed all your ideas, I'm going to digest them and see what comes out the other end.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Andy: Dwight, I'm a little concerned about some of these directions to Schrute Farms...
Dwight: Yeah, do tell.
Andy: I mean, like, "156 paces from the light red mailbox, make a left."
Dwight: Mmhmm.
Andy: "Walk until you hear the beehive."
Dwight: How could it be more clear?
Angela: I think Andy makes an excellent point.
Dwight: Okay.
Angela: But my biggest concern is that there's only one bathroom.
Dwight: We'll dig a trench. As long as it's downhill from the well, we should be fine.
Angela: Nana Mimi cannot squat over some trench.
Dwight: Well we're not gonna put out stumps, come on.
Andy: Let's three-way this little issue, and come to a solution by the time we get to Schrute Farms, how's that for a plan?
[SCENE_BREAK]
Andy: We're getting married at Schrute Farms, no matter what. I have looked at twelve venues, I have lost eight deposits, and I have seen Angela naked zero times. I am not losing another deposit.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Pam: Hey.
Jim: Hey.
Pam: So um, I've been thinking about this whole chair/copier thing...
Jim: Mmhmm.
Pam: I really think you should reconsider.
Jim: Oh, Pam, I really... hate that copier.
Pam: Yeah, I know.
Jim: Yeah.
Pam: But I really think you should reconsider.
Jim: Beesly, are you threatening me?
Pam: Jim. Jim, Jim, Jim. I'm not threatening you. I love you. [whispers] But you should know, you're on very dangerous ground [kisses Jim]. [at normal volume] All right.
Jim: Okay.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Jim: [shudders] Whew.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Dwight: This is where you'll have your receiving line. Of course we'll clear out all the livestock and hay and such.
Andy: Hmm... mm, what's that smell?
Dwight: You're gonna need to be more specific.
Angela: Manure. Get rid of it.
Dwight: Manure covers up the small of the slaughterhouse.
Angela: Do you have to slaughter on our wedding day?
Dwight: You wanna eat, don't you?
Angela: Honey, say something!
Andy: Uh, Dwight, if we pay extra, could you slaughter the entrees the day before?
Dwight: ...I'll consider it.
Andy: See? That's how you do it! Makin' progress here. [steps in manure, trying to laugh it off] ...Darn! Heh.
Dwight: There's a hose out back.
Andy: Okay.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Pam: Remember, you were gonna get a new chair, and you were gonna give your old chair to me. Remember that?
Michael: Yes.
Pam: Well that never happened.
Oscar: Michael?
Michael: I don't know. I haven't decided yet.
Oscar: I'm just gonna grab some lunch. You wanna come with?
Michael: Really? Absolutely! Yeah, that would be amazing.
Jim: Woah, you guys going to lunch?
Michael: Yes.
Jim: Mind if I join?
Michael: Ohh, God!
Jim: All right.
Michael: Yeah!
Jim: Let's go.
Michael: Best lunch ever! Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
Jim: Let's do it.
Michael: All right! Cool!
Jim: Where we going?
Michael: I have no idea.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Pam: So, I guess that's how they're gonna play this. It is on. [very serious] It is so on.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Pam: Look, I really need this new chair. I mean, seriously, how is it possible that in five years I've had two engagement rings, and only one chair?
[SCENE_BREAK]
Oscar: [laughing uproariously with Michael and Jim] Stop it! Michael.
Jim: Michael, that is hilarious.
Michael: [through the laughter] Oh, is somebody making fun of me?
Oscar: The best. Great friends. Thank you, Michael. [all three are still laughing]
Jim: Ahh... I got you some tiramisu. No hard feelings.
Pam: Aww.
Jim: Yeah.
Pam: That's cool. [opens the container and smells the tiramisu] Mm, good stuff. [throws it in the garbage]
Jim: You look really pretty.
Pam: Thank you. [goes to Michael's office and knocks on the door]
Michael: Yeah.
Pam: Michael?
Michael: Yeah?
Pam: Hey!
Michael: Oh, hey.
Pam: You got a second?
Michael: I do.
Pam: Oh, good.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Pam: Oh, that must've been so fun.
Michael: it was fun. We had a good time.
Pam: Hey, have I told you you look really nice today?
Michael: Oh, thank you.
Pam: Yeah, is that a new tie?
Michael: Um, no, not... no. No, I got it at TJ Maxx, four dollars.
Pam: That is amazing!
Michael: You think that's good? Check out these pants. Nine dollars.
Pam: What?
Michael: Nine dollars. The boys' department.
Pam: No.
Michael: Look at the ass. Check out the ass.
Pam: [applauding] No way!
Michael: Look at that. [begins dancing] Unh. Unh-unh.
Pam: Yeah! Oh, so I guess Oscar and Jim were talking your ear off about the new copier.
Michael: Yes they were.
Pam: Yeah.
Michael: They were.
Pam: Here's what I was thinking[/b]: everyone sits on a chair every day...
Michael: Mmhmm.
Pam: But not everyone...
Michael: Sits on a copier.
Pam: Or even uses the copier every day.
Michael: Yeah.
Pam: Yeah, right?
Michael: Very valid.
Pam: ...That's it. [giggles]
Michael: All right.
Pam: All right, see you later...
Michael: See ya.
Pam: Hot tie guy.
Michael: [laughs] Hahaha!... well...
[SCENE_BREAK]
Dwight: Have you made a decision on the butter sculpture?
Angela: No. I haven't thought of it.
Dwight: Okay. Cow, goat or sheep. It's not that hard.
Angela: I would like cat.
Dwight: Cats don't make butter.
Angela: I would like cow butter sculpture of a cat.
Dwight: It doesn't make any sense.
Angela: Yes it does!
Andy: Okay, guys!
Angela: I want a butter sculpture of a cat!
Dwight: Cow, goat or sheep.
Andy: What is this? All right, we're all on the same team. Is it- [steps in manure] Damn! Why is that in the kitchen?!
[SCENE_BREAK]
Jim: [Pam is making copies and is struggling with the machine] You might want to consider changing teams, because we would-we would love to have you.
Pam: No, copier's great.
Jim: Yeah?
Pam: Yeah. I have my copies. [holds up messed up copies]
Jim: There they are.
Pam: And I have my original. [holds up original paper, ripped in half]
Jim: You got it.
Pam: So suck it.
Jim: Okay.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: Okay.
Kevin: Michael, I got you a hot chocolate. I hope that's okay.
Michael: Oh, thank you my dear.
Kelly: Wait, Michael! Let me open the door for you.
Michael: Oh, well, chivalry is not dead after all. Okay...
Stanley: There he is!
Michael: There he is! Hello, hello!
Phyllis: Hello.
Michael: Hello! Good to see you! Good to see you.
Jim: Oh!
Michael: Mm! [gives Jim a high five] Yeah!
Pam: There's that ass!
Michael: Hey hey! Yeah! Unh!
Pam: Woo! Yeah. Aw, don't take it away!
Michael: Oh... ah, I almost choked.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Dwight: Here's another place.
Angela: It's beautiful.
Andy: Hey-o!
Dwight: So... why don't we try this out, we'll see what would happen. Give it a little test drive, what do you say? You pretend to be Angela's father, you will play Angela, and uh, I will pretend to be you. That way you can see what it looks like when you're up here.
Andy: [whistling Pachelbel's "Canon in D;" switches to singing then back to whistling]
Angela: [to minister] Hello, I'm Angela Martin, and-
Andy: I'm Andy.
Angela: I work with Dwight.
Dwight: He doesn't understand a word you're saying.
Andy: What?
Dwight: Although born just minutes from here, he speaks only German. Closed society. So, now, after the readings by all of your sisters, we will arrive at the vows. So, Konrad... [speaks German to minister; minister begins speaking in German] And away we go. This is a little taste of the ceremony, if you will. He's explaining why we're here, what we're doing here, making introductions, blah blah blah... Then he's gonna have Andy repeat a bunch of stuff. He's gonna ask Andy to produce a ring. I have uh, now just uh... just some twine for our purposes, and you will put the ring on her finger. Yadda yadda, then he's going to ask Andy, uh, if he would like to marry Angela. And you will reply, "I do." [Andy mouths, "I do" silently] And then he's going to ask Angela if she would like to marry Andy, to which you will reply...
Angela: I do.
Dwight: And there we go. Okay, and that's just about it. Man and wife.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Hank: Got a call about a problem up here.
Pam: Did somebody call Hank?
Michael: Hank, thank God you're here. The office is at a crossroads.
Hank: So, there's no security problem? You know, I hustled up the stairs.
Michael: Yes. I need your sage advice. And everyone, whatever Hank decides, that is the decision. That will resolve this issue. [Hank takes some jellybeans from Pam's jar] Yeah, take as many as you want.
Hank: Thank you. Thank you. You know, it's nice and warm up here.
Michael: Yes.
Hank: So what are we talking about?
Michael: Okay. Well, we have a surplus. Imagine that your parents give you money for a lemonade stand-
Hank: I know what a surplus is.
Michael: Oh, okay. Good. Good. Well, here's the thing. Some people want to use the surplus to buy a new copier. Other people are complaining about the chairs.
Hank: Is that the copier?
Michael: It is, yes.
Hank: [inspects the copier] Hmm.
Michael: What?
Hank: I was just thinking. Let me see a chair.
Michael: Okay.
Pam: You can try mine.
Michael: Oh, there we go.
Hank: Hmm, not much lumbar support.
Michael: Now everyone, bear in mind once again that whatever Hank says goes. He is an impartial third party.
Hank: On the one hand, this copier is very old. You should see some of the new copiers they have. You would not believe what they do.
Michael: So, the copier.
Hank: Well, let me finish.
Michael: All right, yes.
Hank: Now the chairs. The chairs are very weak. Very weak chairs. I could not sit all day in this chair.
Michael: Well, what should I do?
Hank: ...Let me see the copier again.
Michael: All right, get out. Get out.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Angela: Dwight, I thought I knew what I wanted. And then, being here with you and the German Mennonite minister... it just all felt right. I made a mistake picking Andy.
Dwight: I know you did. And that's why I have taken care of everything.
Angela: What do you mean?
Dwight: Well Monkey, he's a real minister. And you said, "I do." And I said, "I do." And Andy wasn't signing a receipt; he was signing our marriage certificate as a witness.
Angela: Dwight! That doesn't count!
Dwight: Yes, of course it does.
Angela: No, it doesn't!
Dwight: It does in the state of Pennsylvania.
Angela: I didn't-
Dwight: Haha, Mrs. Schrute.
Angela: We are not married.
Dwight: Wha...
Angela: Take this thing. [takes off twine ring]
Dwight: My... It's not my fault you don't understand German; I've been telling you to take it for years!
Andy: Are we, uh... are we leaving or what? [Mose hits Andy in the head with a deflated ball] Ow!
[SCENE_BREAK]
David: [on speakerphone] Michael.
Michael: Hey David- [begins coughing violently] I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm eating tiramisu. Some of the chocolate powder just went down my throat. I'm stopping now.
David: Is this why you're calling me?
Michael: No, no, no, no, no. No. I'm calling- [coughs again] I'm sorry.
David: Okay.
Michael: Mm. I'm calling because, um, we have a stupid budget surplus, and people-everybody wants something different.
David: You want me to weigh in on a minor budget issue?
Michael: No, no, no. I want you to make the decision so I'm not the bad guy.
David: Well if I were you, I would just return the surplus and take the bonus.
Michael: The what now?
David: Branch managers who come in under budget get 15% of the savings.
Michael: ...Like a tip? [calculates amount] $645?!
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: I hate disappointing just one person. And I really hate disappointing everyone. But I love Burlington Coat Factory. You go in there with $645, you are literally a king.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Jim: [on the phone] We have that going out Tuesday... Okay? Sure, no, I can... I'll double-check that for you.
Michael: All right, attention everyone.
Jim: Let me call you right back. Okay.
Michael: I have made my decision. We do not need a new copier. We do not need new chairs. This copier... is... [puts paper on glass and makes a copy, then takes paper from glass] working perfectly.
Oscar: That's the original.
Michael: Pam, would you stand up for a sec? [sits in Pam's chair] Hmm. See how relaxed I am? I like this chair. [slowly sinking into the chair] Offers good support, it is urkelnomically correct... it's a good chair. I think we're spoiled because we don't appreciate the things that we have. You think kids in Africa have chairs? No. They sit in big piles of garbage. You think they have copiers? [the chair has slowly lowered itself almost to where Michael is not visible over the desk] They don't have copiers. They don't even- [struggles to get up from Pam's chair] Gah! They don't even have paper. And we are spoiled because we throw out perfectly good tiramisu because it has a little tiny hair on it. My point I this: I have seen the light in terms of what we need, and it is nothing.
Oscar: Do you know?
Michael: Do I know what?
Oscar: I think you know.
Michael: Mm, no...
Phyllis: Know what?
Pam: Yeah, know what?
Oscar: Does anyone happen to know what 15% of 4300 is?
Michael: $645.
Kevin: Michael's a genius.
Michael: Right.
Oscar: Why'd you say dollars?
Michael: Because that is how my mind works.
Oscar: What's 15% of 200? [Michael doesn't answer] Thank you. Everyone, Michael is returning the surplus so he can keep 15% as a bonus.
Jim: Wait, what?
Pam: You can do that?
Kevin: Hey Michael, what's 394 times 5,912?
Michael: Let's see...
Pam: You're gonna give yourself a bonus of $645 instead of getting the entire office something it really needs?
Michael: I don't need $645; I already have $645, more or less.
Oscar: You're gonna get us a copier then?
Michael: This is so stupid.
Pam: Or chairs?
Michael: This is so, so stupid. And, God... [looks at his watch] that's my phone.
Stanley: I didn't hear a phone.
Michael: To be continued!
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: No, I don't-this doesn't change anything. I have a very important decision to make. We need a new copier. We need new chairs. And I need to figure out a way to keep this money without having everybody hate me.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Andy: Hey Tuna, check it out. Tuna sandwich. Just like you. [Angela walks over to Andy] What-
Angela: [kisses Andy passionately in his chair] Now, I have to take care of a legal issue.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Andy: Was that hot or what?
[SCENE_BREAK]
Pam: So what's it gonna be?
Oscar: Michael, you have to make a decision. The day is almost done.
Pam: Let me just say, you've been promising me this chair since the day you hired me.
Oscar: You are a smart guy. I know you'll do the right thing.
Michael: [groans in frustration] You think it's easy?
Stanley: It's your job.
Michael: Okay, you know what? Why don't you guys deal with it? I am going to get up, and I am going to be out in the common area. But you need to decide; otherwise I'm taking the bonus. All right?
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: It is a classic management tactic. You have two sides, a deadline, you know that neither of them are gonna concede. What you do is you put 'em in a room, and you just- [Pam and Oscar come to the door of kitchen] Hey.
Pam: Hey.
Oscar: Hey, we're going with the chairs.
Michael: What?
Oscar: I just figured I'd rather have new chairs than nothing at all.
Pam: Thanks Michael.
Michael: Good work. I'm proud of you. [Pam and Oscar leave] Mother-
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: [wearing a fur coat] What did we learn this week? Well, one, thanks to me, my team is much, much faster at coming to decisions than I thought they would be. Number two, never buy a fur coat with a credit card until you absolutely have the money to pay for it. And three, [camera zooms out to see fake blood is splattered on the fur coat] you should know that some people think it's cool to throw buckets of fake blood on you as you are walking out of Burlington Coat Factory.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Jim: Truce?
Pam: Yeah, I guess, since I won.
Jim: Yeah, you did win. You did win. Anyway, I'm going to need three copies of each of these, stapled and collated. [begins to walk away, then turns back] Totally kidding. [leans in, whispers] I'm gonna need four. [kisses Pam] | Plan: A: The office; Q: Who must spend a $4,300 surplus or lose it in next year's budget? A: Factions; Q: What group of people court Michael to get what they want? A: a new photocopier; Q: What do Oscar and Jim want? A: new chairs; Q: What do Pam, Stanley, and others want? A: the chairs; Q: What do the factions agree on to prevent Michael from earning a bonus by returning the surplus? A: Dwight; Q: Who secretly weds Angela? A: Schrute Farms; Q: Where does Dwight take Angela and Andy to settle wedding plans? A: a mock ceremony; Q: How did Dwight secretly wed Angela? Summary: The office must spend a $4,300 surplus or lose it in next year's budget. Factions break out and court Michael to get what they want-Oscar and Jim want a new photocopier, Pam, Stanley , and others want new chairs. They finally agree on the chairs to prevent Michael from earning a bonus by returning the surplus. Dwight takes Angela and Andy to Schrute Farms to settle wedding plans. In a mock ceremony, Dwight secretly weds Angela. Angered at his deception, she plans to have the wedding annulled. |
[EXT. VARIOUS LAS VEGAS CITY INTERSECTION (STOCK) -- NIGHT]
(Time Lapse Fast Forward. Focus on the street intersection below. The cars zoom quickly, their lights simple streaks of light on the street. In the center of the screen is the back of the Statue of Liberty.)
[EXT. TACO STAND - NIGHT]
(A young man makes a purchase and takes his tacos with him as he leaves. A woman nearby giggles.)
(The young man heads for his car, gets inside and starts the engine.)
(The headlights flip open.)
(The car moves forward and pulls out of the parked area.)
(Inside the car, the young man takes a bite from his taco. He grabs the steering wheel and turns his car out onto the main road.)
(He drives away while eating his taco. He takes another bite, looks up when bright lights shine straight toward him. He slams on the car breaks.)
(The car screeches to a halt as a large Hummer heads straight for his car.)
(The Hummer doesn't stop and rolls right over his car.)
(The windshield glass breaks. The man grunts as he's thrown side-to-side. He squishes his taco into the side window.)
FLASH TO:
[EXT. STREET - NIGHT]
(The officers lift the crime scene tape as Grissom ducks under it. He walks past Officer Metcalf, who drops the tape behind him, a large taco clutched in his other hand.)
Officer Metcalf: This is the best taco I ever had.
Grissom: I'm happy for you both.
(Grissom heads toward Brass, who turns around and appears surprised to see Grissom there.)
Brass: What, did you piss off Ecklie again? This is a hit-and-run. I was expecting Greg Sanders.
Grissom: We're slammed. Everybody's on a case.
(Grissom puts his kit down on the road near the car; the Hummer partially covers the front half of the sleek car.)
Grissom: Is this a Fiero?
(Brass leads Grissom around the two cars.)
Brass: Yeah, the old Fiero. Kind of makes you nostalgic for a "members only" jacket. Anyway, the Hummer was going the wrong way on a one-way street. The guy in the Fiero, lucky to be alive. Nobody saw the driver get out.
(Grissom puts his gloves on.)
Grissom: People who drive $100,000 vehicles don't usually run away from them.
Brass: Well, you obviously haven't met any paroled rappers.
(Brass stops. Grissom sees the tread marks on the road.)
Grissom: Tread-mark shapes indicate acceleration.
(Grissom looks up. We hear the sounds of an engine gunning and tires screeching. Grissom visualizes the Hummer coming straight toward them from down the street.)
Grissom: Pedal to the metal. Maybe a getaway.
(Grissom and Brass turn, their eyes following the path of the imaginary Hummer as it comes to stop on top of the Fiero.)
Brass: Or maybe a joyride.
(Brass and Grissom walk over to the Hummer's open driver's door.)
Brass: There's a red smear on the door. Somebody's got blood on their hands.
(Brass shows Grissom the bloodstains.)
Grissom: Hmm.
(Grissom looks inside the driver's seat and notes the air bag.)
(Camera zooms to show the powder residue on the air bag. Grissom looks at the air bag.)
Grissom: Well, at least we know one thing about the driver.
(Quick flash to: Slow motion. The air bag releases and fills as the driver's face slams into the air bag. End of flash. Resume to present.)
Grissom: He's had a face lift.
FADE TO END OF TEASER ROLL TITLE CREDITS
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. CSI - HALLWAY -- DAY]
(A phone rings as Grissom walks through the hallway. He heads toward reception.)
Judy Tremont: (o.s.) (to phone) Crime Lab, how can I help you?
(Grissom walks past a woman. As Greg and Sara return to the office, Grissom catches a bit of their conversation.)
Greg: Sara, I just want you to know that when we were in the shower, I didn't see anything.
(Grissom turns around and watches them go, surprise etched on his face.)
Sara: Really? Gosh, I saw everything.
Judy Tremont: (o.s.) Mr. Grissom. (Grissom turns to look back in Judy's direction.) PD just called. Apparently, the Humvee from your hit-and-run was carjacked earlier tonight.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - BRASS' OFFICE -- DAY]
(Brass interviews Wilma and Kyle Shaw.)
Wilma Shaw: Yeah, it was our Hummer ... for all of twenty minutes.
Kyle Shaw: We ... we won it in a raffle.
Brass: So, what happened?
Kyle Shaw: All of a sudden, this fat guy comes out of nowhere and ...
Wilma Shaw: (interrupts) Fat guy?! No, that's you.
Kyle Shaw: What's me?
Wilma Shaw: (scoffs) Fat guy ...
Brass: Well, um, how do you see it, Mrs. Shaw?
Wilma Shaw: The kid who took the car was skinny.
Kyle Shaw: Well, maybe he wasn't as big as me, but he was definitely fat.
Wilma Shaw: I'm going to sock you one. He was not.
Kyle Shaw: He pulled me out of the car!
Wilma Shaw: He was as skinny as a stickman!
Brass: Yeah ...
[SCENE_BREAK]
[EXT. ROAD - DAY]
(Officer Metcalf accompanies Grissom on a road back.)
Officer Metcalf: According to the, uh, witness statement, the carjacker was hanging over there by the fence.
(He points over to the wire fence lining the lot nearby.)
Grissom: What are we, about three blocks from the crash site?
Officer Metcalf: Uh, yeah.
(Grissom looks at the fence.)
Officer Metcalf: Nice freakin' neighborhood.
(Grissom raises his camera and takes photos of the smudges of blood on the fence post.)
(Grissom looks around. He looks down on the ground and sees some blood drops. He continues walking. A little farther down, he finds a handkerchief with some blood on it thrown in the grass on the side of the road.)
(He snaps a photo of it. He takes out a scissors and picks it up.)
(Sirens wail in the distance. A police car rushes toward them down the road, then turns to the right. Grissom looks up and notices the car. Off screen, we hear tires screeching.)
(A short while later, we see a detective car following the officer car.)
(Grissom goes back to the bloody handkerchief. He takes out a plastic bag from his pocket and opens it.)
SHORT TIME CUT TO:
[EXT. CONVENIENCE STORE FRONT -- DAY]
(An officer drags a man toward their car, the perturbed convenience store owner following them.)
Vernon: Come on, man! I didn't do nothing! Let me go!
Store Owner: Try to steal from me, you miserable lowlife! This time, I get justice! You're going to jail! You are going to jail!
Vernon: Man, you just a damn racist.
(Brass stops the officers.)
Brass: Hold up. This guy matches the description of a suspect in a carjack hit-and-run.
Vernon: Naw, Dawgs, yo, I jacked a 40, not no car, a'ight?
Brass: Yeah, a'ight ... One Cent, let's go.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - DAY]
[INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - HALLWAY -- DAY]
(Brass and Grissom walk through the hallway.)
Brass: So the kid denies jacking the Hummer. Says he's never even been in one.
Grissom: We matched his blood on the gearshift and on the headband I found in the alley.
Brass: And he's skinny, which matches one of the descriptions. I'm charging him.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. TRACE LAB - DAY]
(Hodges reports his findings to Grissom.)
Hodges: The oily stain you collected from the Hummer's air bag was, ironically enough, oil. More specifically, lard.
Grissom: It looks like there's tissue fibers mixed into it.
Hodges: Several different types, actually, so I ran an ELISA to differentiate. Pork, beef, chicken and possibly human flesh. A real taste treat. It's all been cooked up, so I doubt we'll get any DNA.
(As he talks, something occurs to Grissom.)
Hodges: What are you thinking about?
Grissom: Tacos.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[EXT. TACO STAND -- DAY]
(The taco stand owner cooks up the next batch of meat and onions on the grill. Grissom walks up to him.)
Grissom: Hola.
TACO STAND Owner: Hola. Chicken, beef or pork, boss?
Grissom: Los carnitas, por favor.
TACO STAND Owner: Carnitas.
Grissom: Say, uh ...
(Grissom shows the owner his ID card.)
Grissom: Have you had any trouble around here recently?
TACO STAND Owner: Just a little scuffle yesterday. Nothing I couldn't handle.
(Quick flashback to: [NIGHT] The taco stand owner checks his cash and shoves it in his pocket as two young men, Vernon and Lawrence Lafontaine, walk up to him.)
Vernon: Yo, pops, give me the loot!
(Vernon and Lawrence Lafontaine walk up to him intending on taking the money from him. The taco stand owner turns, deflects Vernon's arm from grabbing him, picks up the knife on the counter and stabs the kid in the leg. The kid screams.)
(With his other hand, the taco stand owner picks up the hot pan of oil on the grill and throws it at Lawrence Lafontaine.)
(Both men turn and run screaming.)
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Grissom: Didn't you file a police report?
TACO STAND Owner: Bother you guys with something like that? (He scoffs.) I was a kid once. Those guys just needed someone to set 'em straight. Here you go.
(He gives Grissom his tacos.)
Grissom: Gracias.
TACO STAND Owner: Denada. Oh, it's on the house.
Grissom: Muchas gracias.
(The taco stand owner smiles. Grissom takes out his cell phone and starts dialing.)
Grissom: (to phone) Jim, we need to go back to the hospitals.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - NIGHT]
Grissom: (V.O.) We may be looking for a burn patient.
[INT. HOSPITAL -- NIGHT]
(Lawrence Lafontaine sits on the bed. Brass, Grissom and a couple of officers step into the room. Lawrence turns and gets to his feet.)
Brass: Lawrence Lafontaine, you're under arrest.
Lawrence Lafontaine: Vernon rat me out?
Brass: No, the taco did.
Lawrence Lafontaine: Everyone around my hood knows that taco guy. To get whooped by his old ass and not do anything about it?
(Quick flashback to: [NIGHT] Vernon and Lawrence Lafontaine are running down the side street.)
Vernon: For real, stop, yo!
(Vernon collapses to the ground. Lawrence takes off his headband and ties it around Vernon's thigh.)
Vernon: Man, dawgs, it hurts for real, man.
Lawrence Lafontaine: Here, now, you straight? Stop being such a little baby.
Vernon: I need some medicine -- I ain't talking about going to no hospital, either.
Lawrence Lafontaine: Well, have fun then, man. I'm-a get me some payback.
(Lawrence takes off.)
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Lawrence Lafontaine: Vern just bitched out, wanted to forget it ever happened. Not me.
Grissom: So you stole the Hummer for revenge.
(Quick flashback to: [NIGHT] Wilma and Kyle Shaw are in their new Humvee. Wilma looks at the map and shakes her head.)
Wilma Shaw: I knew we should've asked for directions.
(Lawrence runs up, opens the door and grabs Kyle Shaw, pulling him out of the car.)
Lawrence Lafontaine: Out of the car, man!
Kyle Shaw: Hey, hey, hey!
Lawrence Lafontaine: Get the hell out of the car!
CUT TO: [TACO STAND]
(The taco stand owner talks with the Fiero owner as he prepares his order.)
TACO STAND Owner: (to Fiero owner) They just needed someone to set them straight.
(The Humvee rushes down the street. Lawrence is behind the wheel. His eyes are solely on the taco stand and he doesn't see the Fiero pull out in front of him.)
(He sees the car too late. He tries to brake; the tries to turn. The Humvee rolls right on top of the Fiero.)
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Brass: Let me get this straight, Larry. An old man refuses to let you steal his money, so you jack a Hummer and try to run over his taco stand?
Lawrence Lafontaine: (sighs) Maybe.
Grissom: I think this is the dumbest thing we've ever heard.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[EXT. VARIOUS LAS VEGAS CITY INTERSECTION (STOCK) -- NIGHT]
(Time Lapse Quick Rewind. Focus on the street intersection below. The cars zoom backward quickly, their lights simple streaks of light on the street. In the center of the screen is the back of the Statue of Liberty.)
[INT. CSI - HALLWAY - DAY]
(Rewind. Sara and Greg walk backward as they pass Grissom in the hallway in front of reception. The sound is on rewind.)
[EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - NIGHT]
(Camera pulls away from the city lights.)
[EXT. ROAD - NIGHT]
(Rewind. The Hummer on top of the Fiero rolls off, backward.)
[EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - EVENING TO AFTERNOON]
(Rewind. Evening rewinds back into day.)
[INT. INTERNATIONAL VEHICLE EXPO - DAY]
(Various shots of the Expo in full swing. With each display is a beautiful woman presenting the latest product.)
(At the main stage is Mr. Daluca standing in front of a closed curtain fronted by several beautiful women.)
Mr. Daluca: It's a beach house, a ski lodge, a state-of-the-art office, your home on the road ... ladies and gentlemen, Daluca Motorcoaches is proud to present the g-4700!
(The crowd cheers. The women standing in front of the stage pull the curtain open. On the floor, center stage, is a dead woman.)
(Mr. Daluca turns around. The crowd's cheers fade. Cameras snap.)
WHITE FLASH TO:
[INT. INTERNATIONAL VEHICLE EXPO - DAY]
(Warrick steps on stage.)
Warrick: Gentlemen.
(Det. Vartann looks at Warrick as David Phillips kneels next to the dead body.)
Det. Vartann: Hey.
(Warrick puts his kit down on the ground and steps closer.)
Warrick: What's going on here?
Det. Vartann: Lisa Schumacher, 29.
(Det. Vartann hands Warrick Lisa Schumacher's ID tag.)
Det. Vartann: There's no surveillance on the floor, and none of the rent-a-cops remember the last time they saw her.
Warrick: A convention girl.
David Phillips: A what?
Warrick: You know, a model, stripper or a showgirl working the convention for extra cash. You got a T.O.D. yet?
(David puts his clipboard down and rolls the body to check out the woman's back.)
David Phillips: Well, based on lividity, I'd say around 4:00 A.M. (David notes the cut on her mouth.) Laceration on the lower lip. Contusions on the neck. (He checks her eyes.) Petechiae in the eyes.
Det. Vartann: So she got slapped around, strangled. Maybe somewhere in between, she was raped.
(Warrick kneels down next to the body and notes the off-colored makeup smudges on her skin.)
Warrick: These streaks right here. They don't look like blood.
(He looks at her nails.)
Warrick: Possible hair fragments and some skin under her nails.
Det. Vartann: She fought back.
Warrick: It'd be good for us.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. INTERNATIONAL VEHICLE EXPO - DAY]
(The coroners wheel out the body wrapped on a gurney. The crowd murmurs as they move out from behind the display)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. INTERNATIONAL VEHICLE EXPO - MOTORCOACH DISPLAY -- DAY]
(Warrick checks out the motorcoach the body was found in. He opens the door to the bathroom and looks around.)
(He looks at the things on the counter. He opens the cell phone, closes it and sets it back down on the counter.)
(He looks in the toilet and flips on the ALS. He finds some stains inside and takes a swab of it. He closes the swab. He flips open the flush unit and finds some used condoms inside.)
Warrick: So that's why they call it a "recreational vehicle."
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY - DAY]
(Robbins goes over the preliminary report on Lisa Schumacher with Catherine.)
Robbins: C.O.D. is asphyxia due to manual strangulation. Whoever did this used a lot more force than they needed to. There's bleeding in the neck muscles. Fractures in the cornu of the thyroid cartilage and hyoid bone.
Catherine: Did you do a wet mount?
Robbins: Sure did. Found motile sperm in the vaginal cavity.
Catherine: Well, Warrick found several used condoms at the scene. Killer must have run out, and started riding bareback.
Robbins: Eh, I'm not sure he rode anything at all. There's an absence of trauma in the vaginal cavity.
Catherine: Enough to rule out rape?
Robbins: Yeah. The semen was found at a depth not indicative of penile penetration. In this case, only a couple inches in.
Catherine: Maybe that's all the killer had to work with.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. INTERNATIONAL VEHICLE EXPO - EVENING]
(The Expo continues.)
Candice Mosti: And now, the moment that we've all been waiting for. The winner of the brand-new Humvee is ...
(She pulls a name out from the fishbowl.)
Candice Mosti: Kyle Shaw!
(Wilma Shaw screams and jumps up and down.
Wilma Shaw: Oh!
Kyle Shaw: Oh, my God! Honey, we won.
(They turn to each other and hug in celebration.)
Wilma Shaw: Whoa!
(Wilma and Kyle Shaw rush through the crowd toward the stage.)
(Warrick and Det. Vartann interview Donny Drummer.)
Donny Drummer: Hey, I got over seventy women working this convention, man. Booth bimbos, crowd gatherers, hostesses, narrators, demonstrators, translators. Whatever you need, I got it.
Det. Vartann: Well, we're only interested in Lisa Schumacher.
Donny Drummer: She's one of my girls. I represent her. They call her "Cris," as in Cristal, the champagne. She can't get enough of it.
Warrick: She likes to party?
Donny Drummer: She likes to make money. Girls who party make the money. This ain't L.A., where you get up at 10:00 A.M. for an audition. At 10:00 A.M., My girls are still at Drai's partying with the client. What's this about?
Warrick: She was found dead this morning.
Donny Drummer: No. Come on, she's over there working the Daluca account.
Det. Vartann: You didn't hear?
Donny Drummer: There's two million square feet of exhibits here, man. Forty thousand people. This place is a mini-city. That RV exhibit's across town.
Warrick: I was told that the doors close at ten. Any idea why she was here after hours?
Donny Drummer: Look, she worked behind a booth, yapping her mouth. Can't really throw her in a bikini no more. She's getting up there. Three-oh, uh-oh. (He chuckles.) I didn't really keep tabs.
(Gwen rushes up to Donny, interrupting them.)
Gwen: Donny.
Donny Drummer: You're late. And you're not dressed. What's the deal, girl?!
Gwen: Please, Donny, I just had the worst morning.
Donny Drummer: Oh, you think you had it bad? Well, Cris is dead.
Gwen: Oh, my God.
(Gwen looks as if she's going to cry. She runs out. Donny looks at Warrick and shrugs.)
Donny Drummer: It's a tough business.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. CSI - TRACE LAB -- EVENING]
(Warrick walks into the Trace Lab from the hallway. At first appearance, there's no one there. He steps into the lab and finds Hodges under the sink looking at the pipes with a flashlight.)
Warrick: Hodges ...
(Surprised, Hodges reacts and hits his head on the sink above him.)
Hodges: What do you want?
Warrick: What are you doing?
Hodges: I'm looking for leaks.
Warrick: Call facilities. You got my results?
(Hodges turns and looks at Warrick.)
Hodges: If you knew the kind of stuff that grows in these pipes, you'd be on your hands and knees with me.
Warrick: The results, Hodges, from the swabs I gave you? From Lisa Schumacher's fingertips?
(Hodges stands up and pushes his face mask down. He goes over to get Warrick his results.)
Hodges: Fine. I found several substances. Nonoxynol-9 spermicide.
Warrick: Spermicide. So she did handle a condom.
Hodges: Also found traces of pvp, sorbitol, carbomer, hydroxypropylcellulose -- probably a hair gel.
Warrick: Well, she did have skin under her fingernails, so she could've scratched her attacker's scalp.
Hodges: Not my job. And last, the brownish-orange substance on the vic's fingers, chest and shoulders: instant tanning lotion.
Warrick: Hmm.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. CSI - PRINT LAB - EVENING]
(Jacqui Franco reports her findings to Warrick.)
Jacqui Franco: Got four work card hits from the motorcoach.
(She points to the monitor of the Las Vegas Police Identification Record. It reads:
<< DANA SIMMONS >>
HGT: 5'10" WGT: 126 LBS. EYES
HAIR: BRN DOB: 3/12/84 RACE: AF-
ADDRESS: 119 AUTUMNWOOD DR.
LAS VEGAS, NV 89121
WORK HISTORY:
2004 - CURRENT: ROYAL FLUSH MODELS
2002-2004: COFFEE BARISTA )
Jacqui Franco: Dana Simmons, ...
(The second ID reads:
<<CANDICE MOSTI >>
HGT: 5'4" WGT: 101 LBS EYES-
HAIR: BRN DOB: 5/10/80 RACE: PUERT-
ADDRESS: 234 MOUNTAIN VISTA
LAS VEGAS, NV 89156
WORK HISTORY:
2002 - CURRENT: ROYAL FLUSH MODELS
2001 - 2002: SALES CLERK
1998 - 2001: HIGH SCHOOL TUTOR )
Jacqui Franco: ... Lane Kelly, (The third ID reads:
<<LANE KELLY >>
HGT: 5'5" WGT: 114 LBS EYES
HAIR: BROWN DOB: 10/21/82 RACE:A-
ADDRESS: 1153 STONE CREEK
LAS VEGAS, NV 89233
WORK HISTORY:
2003 - CURRENT: ROYAL FLUSH MODELS
2000 - 2003: RESTAURANT HOSTESS )
Jacqui Franco: ... and your vic, Lisa Schumacher.
(The final ID reads:
<< LISA SCHUMACHER >>
HGT: 5'8" WGT: 115 LBS EYES-
HAIR: BLONDE DOB: 1/9/76 RACE: CA-
ADDRESS: 234 MOUNTAIN VISTA
LAS VEGAS, NV 89156
WORK HISTORY:
2001 - CURRENT: ROYAL FLUSH MODELS
1998 - 2001: TANGIERS COCKTAIL WAITRESS
1994 - 1998: SALES CLERK )
Warrick: Twenty-nine and already over the hill.
Jacqui Franco: Please tell me you're kidding.
(Warrick chuckles.)
Warrick: This town has different standards. Let me see something.
(He presses a key and lines up all four ID's on the monitor.)
Warrick: Looks like Lisa had a roommate.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - BULLPEN -- EVENING]
(Warrick and Det. Vartann interview Candice Mosti, Lisa Schumacher's roommate.)
Candice Mosti: So my prints are on the RV. Okay, I work that display sometimes.
Det. Vartann: It's not just the print that makes you look bad, it's you. You're raffling off a Hummer hours after your roommate turns up dead.
Candice Mosti: What am I supposed to do? I'm broke and my car insurance is due.
(As she talks, Warrick notices the makeup smudges on her arm.)
Warrick: What is that on your arm? Is that tanner?
(She looks at her arm.)
Candice Mosti: Forgot to rub it in, I guess.
Warrick: Razor-tight girl like you forgetting to rub tanning lotion in? Doesn't sound right to me. You know, the funny thing is, is your girlfriend Lisa had streaks of tanner on her body, too. Were you girls together last night?
Candice Mosti: Donny asked us to hang out with Mr. Daluca after work.
Det. Vartann: You and Lisa?
Candice Mosti: Me, Lisa, Dana, and Lane.
Warrick: You guys just "went out"? Come on.
Candice Mosti: Look, I'm not a hooker. All I do is these conventions. So when a big baller like Mr. Daluca comes into town and offers us a little cash to hang out, I'm with it.
Det. Vartann: "With it" where?
Candice Mosti: We had dinner at Fix. Partied at Mix. Gambled a little. Then he took us back to the convention center. Hammered and horny.
(Quick flashback to: [NIGHT] Candice and Lisa sit on the bed with Mr. Daluca and the two other girls.)
Mr. Daluca: Oh! Okay. Who gets the first ride?
(Mr. Daluca laughs. Lisa smiles and crawls over to him. He looks at her.)
Mr. Daluca: If I wanted someone your age, I'd do my wife.
(He laughs and pushes her away from him. He turns his attention to the two younger women. Lisa turns and cries.)
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Candice Mosti: I left there as soon as I could. I took a cab home.
Det. Vartann: Did Daluca get rough with her?
Candice Mosti: Not that I saw. He didn't even want to touch her.
Warrick: Really? Because we found Lisa's DNA on a condom.
Candice Mosti: When I left, Daluca was busy with Dana and Lane, and Lisa locked herself in the bathroom. That was the last time I saw her.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM]
(Warrick and Det. Vartann interview Mr. Daluca. Mr. Daluca looks at a post-autopsy photo of Lisa Schumacher.)
Mr. Daluca: You want my prints? My DNA? I mean, come on, guys. I'm on vacation here.
Warrick: Having a sample of your DNA would help exclude you as a suspect. Voluntary or court order, it's your choice.
Mr. Daluca: My DNA is gonna be all over that girl, but I didn't put it there, she did. Now, this broad was expiring like spoiled milk, and she was looking for a way out.
(Quick flash to: [RV - NIGHT] Lisa cries in the bathroom. She looks in the toilet and sees the used condom.)
(Cut to: The bathroom door opens and Mr. Daluca finds Lisa in the bathroom.)
Mr. Daluca: You still here?
(He realizes what she's doing.)
Mr. Daluca: You bitch. You bitch!
(He steps into the bathroom and hits her across the face.)
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Mr. Daluca: She puts my baby inside her, hey, quickie retirement plan.
Det. Vartann: You know, I can't think of a better reason for a man to kill a woman.
Mr. Daluca: If I'd have killed her, you think I'd put her in my own motorcoach, and then present it at an unveiling ceremony that I was announcing?
(Vartann looks at Warrick.)
Mr. Daluca: You don't believe me, go ask the convention authorities. I told them what she was trying to do. It's the last time I ever hire those skanks to work a show.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. CSI - HALLWAY]
(Nick is on the phone and walking through the hallway.)
Nick: (to phone) Ye... yes, yes, I'm very aware of Butterfield Academy's privacy policy, but this a homicide ...
(Nick passes Catherine and Warrick in the hallway, his voice fading as he goes. Catherine turns to watch Nick as she catches some of his phone conversation. Warrick is looking through the file folder in his hands.)
Warrick: Daluca's all over the condoms. Get this, on one of them, his DNA and her epithelials are on both sides.
Catherine: Well, that's kind of like turning a sock inside out.
Warrick: It does support his story, though.
Catherine: Well, what about the epithelials under her nails?
Warrick: It's not a match to Daluca.
Catherine: So where does that leave us?
Warrick: Oh, I'm not quite done yet.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - NIGHT]
[INT. INTERNATIONAL VEHICLE EXPO - NIGHT]
(Warrick is back at the Expo.)
Warrick: Have a seat, Donny.
(Donny Drummer sits in the chair set out for him. Warrick walks up behind him.)
Warrick: What kind of hair gel do you use?
Donny Drummer: Well, I don't think it would work with the texture of your hair.
Warrick: Real funny.
(Warrick uses a magnifying glass and checks Donny Drummer's scalp.)
Donny Drummer: What are you doing?
Warrick: Please stay still.
(Warrick looks at Donny Drummer's scalp.)
(Camera zooms for a close-up of the half-moon scratches.)
Warrick: How did you get these scratches in your head?
Donny Drummer: Probably from scratching. I'm always thinking.
Warrick: I'll tell you what you were thinking.
Donny Drummer: You were thinking about how Lisa pissed off your best client. And how much business it was gonna cost you.
(Quick flashback to: Donny Drummer grabs Lisa. She struggles against him.)
Warrick: (V.O.) You kill her, Daluca takes the fall. You can't lose.
(Donny Drummer chokes Lisa.)
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Donny Drummer: Lisa was a nothing. Old news. Why would I risk everything for a zero like her?
Warrick: For that exact reason, 'cause she was a "nothing" to you.
Donny Drummer: That's a good story. You find that in one of your forensic journals?
Warrick: No, but when I match your DNA, I'll make sure you're on the cover. Cuff him.
(The officers handcuff Donny Drummer.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[EXT. VARIOUS LAS VEGAS CITY INTERSECTION (STOCK) -- NIGHT]
(Time Lapse Quick Rewind. Focus on the street intersection below. The cars zoom backward quickly, their lights simple streaks of light on the street. In the center of the screen is the back of the Statue of Liberty.)
[INT. CSI - HALLWAY - DAY]
(Rewind. Warrick and Catherine walk backward through the hallway. They pass Nick who is on the phone, walking and talking backwards. Camera follows Nick as he walks backward through the hallway.)
[EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - NIGHT]
(Camera pulls away from the city lights.)
[INT. INTERNATIONAL VEHICLE EXPO - DAY]
(Rewind. The audience applauds as the open curtain is pulled shut by the convention girls.)
[EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - EVENING TO AFTERNOON]
(Rewind. Evening rewinds back into day.)
[EXT. PAUL CHARLES' RESIDENCE - FRONT - DAY]
(Gwen parks her black convertible on the road in front of Paul Charles' house. She grabs her things, gets out and rushes up the front steps. She rings the doorbell.)
(There's no answer.)
(We can hear the music coming from inside. She yells through the door.)
Gwen: Hey, Paul, it's Gwen.
(There's no answer. Gwen knocks on the door.)
Gwen: Come on, babe. Let me in. Work me out.
(She waits for an answer.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Gwen walks around the side of the house looking for another way in.)
(She looks in through the side window and sees Paul Charles dead on the floor of the workout room.)
(She gasps and puts a hand over her mouth at the sight.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. PAUL CHARLES' RESIDENCE - FOYER / LIVING ROOM - DAY]
(Det. Cavaliere leads Sara and Greg through the house and into the workout room where the dead body is located.)
Det. Cavaliere: Vic is Paul Charles, 28. Competition bodybuilder and personal trainer. Doors were all locked, windows closed. No sign of forced entry.
[INT. PAUL CHARLES' RESIDENCE - HALLWAY / WORKOUT ROOM - DAY -- CONTINUOUS]
(They walk through the hallway and into the workout room. The body is on the floor, a pool of blood near his head, eyes and nose area bleeding.)
(Greg looks around the room and notices the walls covered with posters of Paul Charles in various body-building poses.)
Greg: This guy's a poster child for self-love.
(Sara walks up to the body and puts her kit down.)
Sara: Maybe that's why they went for the face.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - HALLWAY / WAITING ROOM -- DAY]
(Det. Cavaliere interviews Gwen.)
Det. Cavaliere: Gwen, did you see anyone else near the house when you arrived?
Gwen: No, uhm, Paul cut down on clients so he could train for Mr. Las Vegas. It's next month and he really wanted to win this time. He cancelled my last two workouts.
Det. Cavaliere: So, why didn't you get another trainer?
Gwen: If he cancelled again, I was going to.
Det. Cavaliere: Did you and Paul ever get physical?
Gwen: Just once. Last month.
(Quick flashback to: Gwen is bench-pressing while Paul stands over her prompting her.)
Paul Charles: Press it. Come on, feel it. Paul Charles: Come on; you got to want it. Come on.
(Finished, he puts the weight back. Gwen grabs Paul's shirt and pulls him down to her.)
Gwen: I'll tell you what I want.
(They kiss.)
(He pulls away from her and stands up.)
Gwen: What's wrong?
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Gwen: He said he had a headache. But I mean, he was training really, really hard, so he was probably just tired.
Det. Cavaliere: Or gay.
Gwen: I don't know. I don't care. I mean, just lying back on that bench and sweating and pushing the weight with all of his muscle right there I mean, it, it was totally ... motivating.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. PAUL CHARLES' RESIDENCE - WORKOUT ROOM - DAY]
(Sara and Greg are going through the room. Greg walks around the room as Sara is near the body holding a camera.)
Greg: No matter how hard you work to get big, there's always someone bigger.
Sara: It could be what keeps them going. Like Freud said, "Anatomy is destiny."
(Greg stops in front of the rack of weights.)
Greg: What do you think Freud would have to say about one of these being the murder weapon?
(Quick flashback to: Paul Charles is in the workout room lifting some hand weights. He puts them down. Someone hits him across the face with a weight. He falls to the floor with a thud.)
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
(Sara takes a swab sample of the blood on the carpet.)
Sara: Killer didn't even have to be his size. Could have been a little guy, or a woman.
(Greg stops in front of the full-length wall mirror. As Sara talks, Greg glances back to make sure she's not looking at him. He looks at the mirror and makes a muscle.)
Sara: All they would have needed was the right weapon, some leverage, the element of surprise.
(Greg puts his arm down. He looks back just as Sara finishes and glances at him.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY - DAY]
(Robbins and David Phillips stand around Paul Charles' body.)
Robbins: Victim is a well-developed Caucasian male. Musculature appears hypertrophied. Care to guess?
David Phillips: Blunt-force trauma.
Robbins: Absence of bruising.
David Phillips: Maybe it was a post-mortem blow.
Robbins: Let's find out.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. PAUL CHARLES' RESIDENCE - HALLWAY -- DAY]
(Greg walks through the hallway and into the bedroom. He looks at the things on the dresser.)
(Cut to: Greg looks at the newspaper and drops it on the bed. Greg walks around to the side of the bed and checks the nightstand. He opens the drawer and finds a handgun inside. Greg takes a photo of the gun.)
(Greg picks up the gun and puts it in a bag.)
(He closes the top drawer and opens the bottom drawer. Inside, he finds three syringes of varying sizes.)
(Cut to: Greg takes a photo of the syringes. He picks one up and looks at it.)
[PHOTOS]
(Cut to: Camera slowly pans across the photos on the counter. All are of Paul Charles. Next to the photos are a couple of awards. After the awards are even more photos of Paul Charles.)
[INT. PAUL CHARLES' RESIDENCE - WORKOUT ROOM - DAY]
(Sara picks up a framed photo and looks at it. Sara looks at the other items on Paul Charles' desk. She reaches behind his open laptop and picks up his calendar book. She looks through it.)
(Greg walks into the room holding up the bag with the gun.)
Greg: Nine millimeter in the nightstand, and syringes next to the bed.
(He holds up the second bag.)
Sara: Wow.
Greg: Maybe our vic was putting the smack in "smackdown."
Sara: (shakes her head) There was no blood on the poles or the weights.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY - DAY]
(Robbins and David Phillips continue their work on the body.)
Robbins: Rigor mortis is full and extremely rigid. Liver mortis is posterior and fixed. Let's roll him.
(They roll the body.)
Robbins: That's good. Present on the bilateral buttocks are multiple fine punctures, with some surrounding faint purple ecchymosis.
(They put the body back down, then check the back of the body's head.)
Robbins: Laceration noted at the base of the scalp. Uh, loss of blood from that laceration is significant but non-fatal.
(Robbins looks at the victim's face.)
Robbins: Left eye socket appears swollen ...
(Robbins takes his finger and presses it on the inside of the eye. The eye sinks into the skull, a thick black liquid oozes out.)
(David looks at Robbins.)
(Robbins looks at the tip of his finger.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[EXT. PAUL CHARLES' RESIDENCE - FRONT PORCH - DAY]
(Two men in HazMat suits pull Sara and Greg out of the house.)
HazMat Man 1: We have a biohazard situation.
(They lead Sara and Greg down the front stairs.)
HazMat Man 1: You need to be decontaminated immediately.
(The HazMat Man1 pulls Sara into the make-shift decontamination tent set up in front of the house. HazMat Man2 follows inside with Greg.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. DECONTAMINATION TENT - DAY - CONTINUOUS]
(The two men in HazMat suit shower down Sara and Greg.)
(Sara glances at Greg.)
(Greg looks up.)
(Sara turns back.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY -- DAY]
(Robbins is cutting open Paul Charles' skull. He pulls the skull cap off and puts it on the side.)
(He removes the brains and looks at it. The thick black liquid is all around the brain.)
Cue Sound: (PRELAP) TELEPHONE RINGING
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. CSI - RECEPTION HALLWAY - DAY]
(Judy Tremont answers the phone.)
Judy Tremont: (to phone) Crime Lab. How can we help you?
(Grissom appears out of the hallway and passes reception. He heads off in one direction. Sara and Greg return and head toward reception. Grissom can't help but overhear part of their conversation.)
Greg: Sara, I just want you to know, when we were in the shower, I didn't see anything.
Sara: Really? Gosh, I saw everything.
(Grissom stops and stares as Sara and Greg continue through the hallway.)
Judy Tremont: (o.s.) Mr. Grissom. PD just called. ...
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. CSI - LAYOUT ROOM]
(Robbins reports his findings to Sara and Greg.)
Robbins: The black pus suggested a possible infection from an airborne agent. I took the precaution to get you out until Hazmat cleared the scene.
Sara: (dryly) Yeah, thanks a lot. (She clears her throat.) Uh, what did they find?
Robbins: Actually, it's what I found -
(Out in the hallway, Hodges stops near the doorway and listens.)
Robbins: -- mucormycosis, a disease caused by exposure to rhizopus oryzae, a kind of mold.
(Hodges steps into the room.)
Hodges: Did you say rhizopus oryzae?
Robbins: Mm-hmm.
Sara: We spent hours in that house.
Robbins: You're not at risk. You both have healthy immune systems. I suspect that's not the case with your vic.
Hodges: Copy that. Trace on the syringes was deca-durabolin, sustanon and oxandrolone.
Greg: Steroids. That guy was "stacking" to get bigger.
Hodges: Immune suppression is a common side effect.
Sara: So, how does a mold infection make it look like someone smashed him across the face?
Robbins: His face collapsed from the inside. Mucor causes deterioration of the bones around the sinuses and eye sockets. You remember the swollen eyeball? The pus was pushing it out, while the bones that held it in place were getting eaten away.
(Quick flash of: Paul Charles is working out.)
Robbins: (V.O.) The airborne mold spores enter the nasal cavity ...
(As Paul Charles breathes in, the camera zooms into his nose.)
(Quick CGI POV of: The camera zooms into the nasal cavity. The spores latches onto the sinuses and turn the walls from pink to black as it grows.)
Robbins: (V.O.) ... and they consume sinus tissue as they multiply.
(End of CGI POV. Resume to present.)
(Camera holds on a photo of Paul Charles on the floor.)
Sara: So, his compromised immune system isn't strong enough to fight the spread of the infection.
Robbins: That's right.
Greg: Sick.
Hodges: And what's even more sick is that rhizopus oryzae likes to grow on human tissue.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. PAUL CHARLES' RESIDENCE - HALLWAY - DAY]
(Sara and Greg return to the house. They're both wearing face masks as they walk through the hallway.)
Hodges: (V.O.) Mold grows outward as spores reproduce and are carried away from the source.
(Sara stops in the hallway and puts her kit down and starts looking at the vents in the hallway floor. Greg continues on to the bedroom.)
INTERCUT WITH:
[INT. PAUL CHARLES' RESIDENCE - BEDROOM - DAY]
(Greg heads for the sliding door and puts his kit down near the bed. He kneels down to look at the vents in the floor near the sliding door.)
Hodges: (V.O.) If you pinpoint the source of the human tissue, that should tell you something.
VARIOUS CUTS:
(Sara unscrews the vent cover and removes it. Underneath there are a few black spots.)
[INT. PAUL CHARLES' RESIDENCE - HALLWAY - DAY]
(Sara and Greg are standing in the hallway, each removing the framed photos hanging on the walls.)
(They remove the photos from the hallway completely.)
(Sara and Greg are cutting out pieces of the hallway walls.)
(They remove a piece. On the back, it's stained with black mold.)
(Dissolve to: They cut out more pieces of the hallway wall, looking for the source.)
(Another piece is cut out. On the back, the mold stain is bigger.)
(Cut to: Sara cuts out a large square piece. The back of it is completely covered with mold.)
Sara: Whew! We have got to be getting close to the source.
(She puts the piece down and looks inside the hole.)
Sara: Shut the blinds.
(Off screen, we hear the blinds close. Sara stands up and gets the spray bottle.)
(Dissolve to: Sara sprays the wall around the area of the square cut, then proceeds to continue to spray down the hallway into the room used as an office. Greg watches.)
Greg: (points) Here? A whole lot of blood.
Sara: We're getting warmer. (points) Open it up.
(Greg cuts through the wall. They peel back the drywall and find a thick coat of black mold growing along the pipes and wall inside. The pipe is leaking.)
(Sara turns on her flashlight and looks at the growth.)
Sara: Looks like we found the source of the mold.
Greg: Okay. So, how does human tissue get inside a wall?
Sara: Good question.
(Sara looks further.)
Sara: There's a hole in the air duct.
(She finds a bullet.)
Sara: A bullet hole ... (She takes out the bullet.) It's a nine mil.
Greg: Same as the handgun I found in the bedroom.
Sara: Copper-jacketed. It's good penetrating power. I think somebody was shot here.
(Quick flash of: A woman's shadow is cast on the wall. The woman gasps. A gun fires. The bullet goes through the wall, spattering blood and flesh on the wall inside. The woman falls to the ground.)
(Camera zooms in through the bullet hole in the blood-spattered wall.)
Sara: (V.O.) Bullet pushed blood and tissue through the wall.
(Camera pushes into the bullet lodged just under the leaky pipe.)
Sara: (V.O.) And water from the pipe leak fed the mold growth.
(Quick CGI POV of: Time lapse. The mold grows around the bullet.)
Greg: (V.O.) Eventually, the mold released spores, ...
(The mold lets off spores that float through the air.)
Greg: (V.O.) ... which spread through the house AC, and right on up into muscle-head's nose.
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. CSI - LAYOUT ROOM -- NIGHT]
(Sara and Greg report their findings back to Grissom.)
Sara: We ran the phone numbers from the vic's planner. Everybody checked out, except for a woman named Tiffany.
(Close-up of Paul Charles' planner. The square for Wednesday, March 2, 2005 (61/304) reads:
TIFFANY
Grissom: No last name?
Greg: Well, Tiffany is actually a street name for Angela Wheeler, known prostitute.
(Greg shows the paper ad:
TIFFANY
Greg: Her family reported her missing last month.
Grissom: Well, anyone who appears this narcissistic may prefer paying for hookers rather than wasting his love on a girlfriend.
Sara: And as we know, in addition to immune suppression and heart and liver disease, steroid abuse can also cause shrunken testicles, impotence and aggression -- "roid rage."
(Quick flashback to: [NIGHT] Paul Charles and Tiffany are in bed. Paul rolls off her.)
Angela Wheeler (Tiffany): Oh, baby, looks like you have one muscle that isn't hard.
(Paul reaches for his gun.)
Paul Charles: You think that's funny, bitch?!
(Tiffany sees the gun and gets out of bed quickly.)
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Sara: So, if the DNA from the tissue on the bullet matches Tiffany ...
Grissom: We have a sample?
Greg: A DNA reference sample was collected from her apartment in the initial investigation. (Greg looks at Sara.) Mia's on it.
(Grissom looks at them.)
Grissom: Very good.
Greg: This is just like that Edgar Allen Poe story where the victim's heart under the floorboards betrays the murder.
Grissom: "The Tell-Tale Heart." I thought you didn't like reading the classics.
Greg: I do when they're about dismembered bodies.
(Grissom smiles.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[EXT. VARIOUS LAS VEGAS CITY INTERSECTION (STOCK) -- NIGHT]
(Time Lapse Quick Rewind. Focus on the street intersection below. The cars zoom backward quickly, their lights simple streaks of light on the street. In the center of the screen is the back of the Statue of Liberty.)
[INT. CSI - HALLWAY - DAY]
(Rewind. Sara and Greg walk backward as they pass Grissom in the hallway in front of reception. Grissom walks backward past reception. The sound is on rewind.)
[EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - NIGHT]
(Camera pulls away from the city lights.)
[INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY - DAY]
(Rewind. The black pus seeps back into the body's eye socket as Robbins examines the body.)
[EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - NIGHT]
(Resume Forward. Camera moves through Las Vegas City.)
FLASH TO:
[EXT. STREET CORNER - NIGHT]
(Divine limps through the sidewalk on tired feet as she makes her way to the nearest bus stop bench.)
(She walks up to the bench and sees someone already on it under a blanket.)
Divine: Move over Chester, my dogs are barking.
(There's no answer.)
Divine: Come on, now.
(She pushes the body a bit and sits down next to it. In the background, we see a vagrant pushing a shopping cart head over to her.)
Divine: Move over a little bit. Let me sit down.
(She rests her feet on the bench and glances over at "Chester" under the blanket.)
Divine: Chester, damn!
(Chester arrives and overhears her.)
Chester: It's not me. Why don't you put your shoes back on?
(Divine looks from Chester back to the body on the bench. She moves away the blanket and finds a dead boy.)
Divine: Oh, sweet Lord.
WHITE FLASH TO:
[EXT. STREET CORNER - NIGHT]
(David Phillips looks over the body with Nick.)
David Phillips: Kid can't be more than 12 or 13. You think he's homeless?
Nick: Jeans are a little nice for a homeless kid. Check his veins and do a SART kit anyway. Can you ballpark a T.O.D.?
David Phillips: Sure.
(David puts his clipboard down and opens the boy's mouth.)
David Phillips: Well, he's just developing rigor, so, I'd say dead no more than eight hours.
Nick: (shakes his head) This is a busy line -- buses, traffic ...
David Phillips: ... and nobody noticed him?
Nick: Maybe be hasn't been here the whole time. Could explain the blanket.
David Phillips: Body dump.
(Nick leaves David with the body and walks over to the grass where he sees cart track marks on the ground.)
Nick: Hey, Chester, you been taking that thing off road again?
Chester: Nah, mud screws up the ride. I bet you always get a bad cart at the store, huh? Not me.
(Chester pushes the cart to show that it rolls smoothly.)
Nick: Thanks, Chester.
(Nick looks around.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY -- NIGHT]
(Nick collects evidence off the body.)
(Nick does a tape lift off the victim's sweatshirt. He looks at the purple fibers.)
(He does a second tape lift off the victim's jeans. He finds more fibers.)
(Nick checks the boy's hair and finds something in it. He cuts the hair around it and looks at it.)
(Nick checks the boy's pants pocket and removes a slip of paper. It's for:
BUTTERFIELD ACADEMY
STUDENT LUNCH PROGRAM
NAME: Chase R. )
(Nick puts it aside and looks at the body on the table. He puts his head down and sighs.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. CSI - HALLWAY TO RECEPTION - DAY]
(Nick is walking through the hallway, headed toward Reception. He's on the phone.)
Nick: (to phone) Sir, all I'm asking for is your class roster. Ye ... yes, yes, I'm very aware of Butterfield Academy's privacy policy, but this a homicide investigation.
(Nick walks past Warrick and Catherine. Warrick is reporting to Catherine. Catherine is looking at Nick.)
Warrick: Daluca's all over the condoms. And get this, on one of them ...
Nick: (to phone) Sir, please, court orders take time. You could help me identify this boy tonight. (pauses and sighs) Okay. No, no, no. I understand your position. Thanks.
(Nick hangs up.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - NIGHT]
[INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY -- NIGHT]
(Robbins reports his findings to Nick.)
Robbins: Whatever happened to this boy wasn't pretty. First- and second-degree burns on several areas of exposed skin.
Nick: What about the burn to the face? Could that be from an iron?
Robbins: It's a possibility. He sustained several hematomas along his arms, together with a nasty skull fracture. I'm thinking child abuse.
Nick: Skull fracture what killed him?
Robbins: No. Positional asphyxia. Check out his eyes. Heat damage. To all the respiratory mucosa, as well. I'd say this kid was in a small, hot space for quite a while. Closet with a radiator, boiler room ...
Nick: Shake and bake.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. CSI - HALLWAY -- NIGHT]
(Nick is walking through the hallway.)
Catherine: (o.s.) Oh, Nick?
(Nick turns around.)
Nick: Yeah.
(Catherine steps out of her office with a small booklet.)
Catherine: I heard you were looking for the student directory for Butterfield Academy.
(She gives the Student Directory to Nick.)
Nick: Yeah. Yeah. How'd you get this? I talked to the headmaster. He wouldn't give me jack.
Catherine: I pay tuition.
Nick: Your daughter goes to Butterfield?
Catherine: (nods) Mm-hmm.
Nick: Wow. That's a little pricey.
Catherine: She was at a crossroads and I, uh, needed to put her in a school with tighter reins. You know, when it comes to your kids, you, uh, find the money.
Nick: Yeah.
Catherine: You looking for a prom date?
Nick: (chuckles) No. I'm trying to I.D. A victim. Thanks for this.
(Nick turns and walks away.)
Catherine: Good luck.
Nick: Thank you.
(Nick flips through the book and finds the page:
ROCKWELL, ADDISON
MR. AND MRS. ADDISON ROCKWELL
288 TYLER RD.
LAS VEGAS, NV 89107
PARENT'S NUMBER: (702) 555-0168
RYAN, CHASE
MR. AND MRS. CHASE RYAN, SR.
275 STORM CLOUD LANE
LAS VEGAS, NV 89112
PARENT'S NUMBER: (702) --
SANDRED, MARVIN
MR. AND MRS. --- )
(Nick taps the name and address with his finger.)
(He closes the book and heads out.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[EXT. RYAN RESIDENCE - FRONT -- DAY]
(Nick walks up the drive and heads over to the front door.)
(He rings the doorbell.)
(Jackie Ryan opens the door.)
Nick: Oh. Hi there. I've been ringing the bell.
Jackie Ryan: Sorry. I was sleeping.
Nick: No school today?
Jackie Ryan: I'm sick. The whole house is sick.
Nick: Oh, gosh. Okay. Uh, well, my name's Nick Stokes. I'm with the Las Vegas Police Department, and, uh, this is pretty important. Parents around?
Jackie Ryan: No. Uh, they're not home.
(Nick glances into the house and sees the large keg on the table. Jackie glances back and notices what he's looking at.)
Nick: Do you have their cell phone or work numbers handy?
Jackie Ryan: Okay, they're skiing in Vail. What are you gonna do, arrest me for having a kegger?
Nick: No, not exactly. Um ... how old are you?
(A college boy appears next to Jackie.)
College Boy: What's going on, babe?
(She pushes him back behind the door.)
Jackie Ryan: Just go ...
College Boy: What?
Nick: How old is he?
Jackie Ryan: My father's a lawyer, so I probably shouldn't be talking to you.
(Nick looks around.)
Nick: You have a brother?
Jackie Ryan: Chase?
Nick: Yeah, Chase. Is, uh ... is he around?
Jackie Ryan: No, he spent the night at his friend Andy's house.
Nick: Is that the last time you saw him?
Jackie Ryan: I don't know.
Nick: Do you have a picture of your brother I can take a look at?
Jackie Ryan: Yeah.
Nick: Would you get that for me, please? Thank you.
(Jackie leaves, gets a picture and shows it to Nick. It's the victim.)
Nick: Um ... I'm gonna need your parents' contact information if you don't mind, in Vail, okay?
(He hands the photo back to Jackie.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM -- DAY]
(Nick interviews Andy Jones with his mother present.)
Nick: You're Chase's best friend, Andy. I need to know what happened last night.
Mrs. Jones: Andy was supposed to sleep over at Chase's, but Chase wasn't feeling well, so Andy came home early instead.
Nick: Ma'am, please, I need to hear Andy's version. Okay? (Nick looks at Andy.) Go ahead, Andy.
Andy: I told my mom I was sleeping at Chase's house, and he told his sister we were sleeping at my house.
Mrs. Jones: (to Andy) Where were the Ryans?
Nick: They were in Vail.
Andy: We just wanted to see a high school party.
Nick: And did you?
Andy: Some of it.
(Quick flashback to: [KEG PARTY - NIGHT] Andy and Chase walk around the pool in the back yard of the Ryans' house. They're each carrying a plastic cup of alcohol.)
Andy: This tastes horrible.
Chase Ryan: Just keep drinking. It must get better.
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Andy: Jackie caught us. Made us leave. We promised to go to my house. We didn't. We went to this arcade, played a few games, and then I walked home.
Nick: What about Chase?
Andy: He stayed there, playing the games.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. CSI - TRACE LAB -- NIGHT]
(Nick walks into the lab.)
Nick: Talk to me, Goose.
Hodges: Well, according to tox, junior was a boozer. BAC three times the legal limit.
Nick: Yeah, the, uh, teenage sister had a kegger.
Hodges: How old were you when you first got drunk?
Nick: Oh, 16, 17.
Hodges: Amortized over a generation, 12's about right?
Nick: So your saying, two generations from now, four-year-olds are just gonna be getting trashed?
Hodges: Pre-school graduation parties are going to be off the hook.
Nick: Mm.
Hodges: But Chase's party was just getting started. Tape lifts were a cornucopia. Hairs: Caucasoid, mongoloid, negroid. And feline and canine.
(Hodges shows Nick the Trace Analysis report: 2974 Westfall Avenue Las Vegas, NV 89109
FIBERS: COTTON
WOOL
POLYESTER
LYCRA )
Hodges: As for fibers, we have cotton, wool, polyester, and someone brought lycra.
Nick: Transfer from the blanket?
Hodges: No. I tested that. It came back clean.
Nick: Okay. What about the, uh, the gack in the guy's hair? HODGES: Melted vulcanized rubber and thermoplastic elastomers. From the sole of your average athletic shoe.
Nick: Hmm. What's hot, cramped, and full of other people's hair?
Hodges: As I've often said, that's your job.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[EXT. WASH & DRY (LAUNDROMAT) -- FRONT]
(Chester sits outside next to his cart.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. WASH & DRY (LAUNDROMAT) -- FRONT]
(Nick looks inside the dryers.)
(He finds one with the same gack inside.)
(Quick flash of: A pair of sneakers inside a dryer.)
(Quick flash of: A kid inside the dryer.)
(End of flash. Resume to present.)
(Nick removes the rubber gack from the dryer. He looks at it and puts it in a sample jar.)
(Nick looks around and sees the cart with muddy wheels. He walks over to the cart and looks at it.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[EXT. WASH & DRY (LAUNDROMAT) -- FRONT]
(Nick pushes the cart out through the parking lot. He reaches the end of the parking lot and the cart's tires lock. Nick kneels down and looks at the tires.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. WASH & DRY (LAUNDROMAT) -- DAY]
(Nick heads back into the laundromat looking for the manager. The manager is working on a washer; his back is to Nick.)
Nick: Excuse me. You the manager?
Jared (manager): (without looking up) Yeah.
Nick: Yeah. Uh, I was taking my laundry to the car, and the cart locked up on me.
Jared (manager): Yup. We got this fancy system 'cause people steal 'em. I'm the only one with a remote. So ...
(Jared finishes, closes the washer door and grabs the remote as he turns around.)
(And finds himself face to face with Nick.)
Jared (manager): I spend all day unlocking 'em. (He chuckles.) Which one is it?
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM - DAY]
(Nick interviews Jared.)
Jared (manager): Murder?
Nick: A 12-year-old boy died in one of your dryers the other night. You trying to tell me you don't know anything about it?
Jared (manager): Couple of kids were playing around the 'mat, making trouble. I chased them out. What happened after that ... I don't know.
Nick: That's it? I don't buy it, Jared. I don't. You know why? Your fancy carts. And I know that no cart leaves that parking lot unless somebody presses the magic button. And I also matched tires treads. Someone ... wheeled one of your carts through wet grass ... and dumped a dead 12-year-old boy on a bus bench.
Jared (manager): Okay, look, I'm supposed to be on duty the whole time. But this customer -- he was gettin' all pissed off.
(Quick flashback to: [NIGHT] A customer yells at Jared as Andy and Chase play with the carts in the laundromat.)
Angry Customer: Look at this, look at this! See what it did to my vest. I have to go to work in this. I demand justice!
Jared (manager): (yells at the kids) Hey, will you get the hell out of here?
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Jared (manager): So I went next door. Had to get the smell of detergent out of my nose. Bought a Yoo-Hoo. I came back to check on things.
(Quick flashback to: [NIGHT] Jared comes back to the laundromat and starts shutting the dryer doors.)
(Inside one, he finds Chase.)
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Jared (manager): I didn't know if he was dead or not.
Nick: Bus bench. Hospital. I could see how you could make the mistake.
Jared (manager): You have any idea what the liability would be on something like that?
Nick: (shakes his head) Uh-uh. But I'll let you know.
Jared (manager): I was just hoping that somebody would find him and take care of him.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Nick: Hey ... (Nick leans forward) You found him. You put him in the dryer.
[INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM - DAY]
(Andy shakes his head.)
Andy Jones: Mm-mm. Mm-hmm.
(Nick nods.)
Nick: Mm-hmm. Chase can't even lock himself inside those things. They lock from the outside.
(Mrs. Jones looks at Andy.)
Nick: And I matched your print on the handle. I got it off your school's safe kit.
(Andy looks at his mom. He turns to Nick.)
Andy: He asked me to.
(Quick flashback to: [NIGHT] Andy pushes Chase in the cart. They reach the end of the aisle up against the dryers.)
Chase: Whoa! Dude!
(Chase opens the dryer and crawls inside. Andy shuts the door.)
Chase: Come on, turn it on! Turn it on!
(Andy puts in some money and turns the dryer on. He chuckles as he watches Chase turn around and around.)
(The longer he stands there, the less funny it seems.)
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Andy: And after that, it gets a little fuzzy.
Mrs. Jones: (crying) You put your best friend in a ... in a dryer, and you turned it on, and you just walked away? What is wrong with you?
(Andy throws up on the table.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - NIGHT]
[INT. CSI - HALLWAY -- NIGHT]
(Slow motion. Nick puts his bag around his shoulder as he leaves.)
(Resume motion. He walks past reception and heads out. He passes Grissom on his way in.)
Grissom: Tough shift, huh?
Nick: Just another day in paradise.
(Grissom picks up his messages.)
(Nick leaves. Grissom turns and walks past reception.)
Cue Sound: (o.s.) PHONE RINGS
(Judy Tremont answers the phone.)
Judy Tremont: Crime Lab. How can we help you? | Plan: A: a busy night; Q: What kind of night is it in the lab? A: the lab; Q: Where are the CSIs investigating four cases? A: Hummer; Q: What type of vehicle was stolen in the hit and run? A: the murder; Q: What is the name of the case involving a Convention Girl? A: the death; Q: What is the case of the body builder? A: a boy; Q: Who was found dead on a bench? Summary: It's a busy night in the lab as the CSIs investigate four cases: A hit and run involving a stolen Hummer , the murder of a Convention Girl, the death of a body builder and the death of a boy found on a bench. |
At Emma's house
Spike: You guys are on your own for breakfast.
Emma: And lunch and supper and every meal after that.
Spike: We count on you Em. I count on you.
Emma: And what a super job I'm doing.
Spike: You are. Look I gotta go or I'll be late getting Jack to daycare.
Emma: Snake called again.
Spike: How nice for him.
(Spike leaves and Manny walks upstairs.)
Manny: I am so fat!
Emma: Don't even talk about fat. I'm the fat one in this house. All this fast food, no wonder I've gained all this weight.
Manny: Tell me about it. I have a meeting with Bernice Fein on Friday and I can't even fit into my lucky jeans!
Emma: 'Dump the lumps' Bernice Fein, as in the agent from hell?
Manny: If she's Satan, then that explains why she's best agent in town. She called because she saw me in the Kevin Smith movie. Wants to audition me again. Crisis down here!
(Manny's on the floor trying to get her jeans on.)
Emma: Look around you. Crisis is actually an epidemic.
Manny: My thighs are an epidemic and they're taking over the world.
Emma: We are going to take control. I am going to take control.
In Mr. Armstrong's class
Emma: Manny!
(She shows Manny a chart she made.)
Manny: Pie charts? We've done pie charts every year since grade 4.
Emma: It's a chore wheel.
Manny: Okay does it have laundry on it because I'm out of underwear and this commando chafing is killing me!
Mr. Armstrong: Not up to your usual standard.
(Emma looks at the test and it has a big C on it.)
Emma: Okay Manny you are on laundry. I'm on homework and exercise and grocery shopping and cleaning and mom management.
Manny: That should burn a few calories.
Emma: I sincerely hope so.
Manny: You're a stick and you're insane.
At Emma's house
Emma: Mom I'm home!
Manny: She's working late.
(Manny is sitting with Jack and eating chips.)
Emma: What are you doing?
Manny: Baby pedicure.
Emma: Do you know how much fat is in one chip? I brought you celery. Celery has negative calories because you burn calories while you're chewing...and this!
(She gives Manny a notebook.)
Manny: I'm not eating paper, no matter how many calories it burns.
Emma: It's a diet diary. We write down every morsel that goes into our mouths.
Manny: Great. More homework.
Emma: Do you want to get this agent? Think of it as fun. Think of it as a challenge.
Manny: Woo hoo. Let the fun begin!
At Joey's house, Mr. Simpson is doing karaoke
Mr. Simpson: (Singing) 'Cause you ain't seen nothing yet! B-b-b-baby no you ain't seen nothing yet!
Joey: With a voice like that, it's no wonder the Zits never went anywhere.
Mr. Simpson and Diane: Oh!
Diane: I overheard him sing in the shower Snake, and the pot should really stop calling the kettle black.
Joey: Saucy, but a keeper.
(They start kissing.)
Mr. Simpson: Alright. Let's keep this party going. I've got just the number. It's a classic little ditty I like to call Rock the Casbah!
Joey: Oy, kick it mate!
(Mr. Simpson puts on the song, but a slow one comes on instead.)
Mr. Simpson: What? I didn't...that's Sometimes When We Touch.
Joey: Abort, abort.
Diane: Hey what's wrong?
Mr. Simpson: It's our song.
(Joey gets up to change it.)
Joey: Stupid machine. I'm sorry Snake. Buttons get mixed up sometimes.
Mr. Simpson: It's just that uh I miss her so bad, you know? I miss my family.
In the cafeteria
Emma: Total calories, 110. Total grams of fat, 2.
Manny: Total flavour, it's zero. How am I supposed to do math when I'm starving?!
Emma: I think my stomach is digesting itself, but we are not feeling hungry. We are feeling light.
Manny: As in L-I-T-E.
Emma: Okay you need to jog one mile at 6 miles an hour to burn off 110 calories.
Manny: Okay I'm going to get a diet pop and pretend it's a milkshake.
(Manny backs her chair into Paige.)
Paige: Ow! Uh twigs and berries? You girls practicing to be on Survivor?
Emma: It's called a diet.
Paige: Hmm totally wishing I had your willpower. When bathing suit season comes around, prepare to be hated by a jealous me.
Manny: Suddenly I'm stuffed. When are we running that mile, or 5?
Outside, Emma and Manny are jogging and Emma is laughing
Manny: What's so funny?
Emma: Nothing. I just feel all floaty.
Manny: Me too. Is that good?
Mr. Simpson: Someone want to tell me the punch line?
Manny: See you inside.
(Emma feels faint and puts her arms down to catch herself.)
Mr. Simpson: Woah. Emma. You okay? You got the newborn colt legs going.
Emma: We're training for cross country.
Mr. Simpson: Oh! Wow that's, that's great. I had no idea.
Emma: Yeah. The things you miss when you leave your family.
(He starts to leave, but Emma walks over to him.)
Emma: So how are things at Joey's?
Mr. Simpson: Good. Okay. Not too bad. Terrible actually. I miss you guys.
Emma: Have you tried telling mom that?
Mr. Simpson: Oh I would, but that would involve her actually returning my phone calls.
Emma: So why don't you tell her in person? Come over tonight.
Mr. Simpson: Think your mom would like that?
Emma: Maybe if you made us dinner like you used to.
Mr. Simpson: Emma.
(He kisses her cheek.)
Mr. Simpson: You are a genius.
At Emma's house, Emma and Manny are cleaning up everything
Spike: Well this I could get used to. What's the uh, what's the occasion?
Emma: You have a surprise guest for dinner. A guest chef actually. Snake.
Spike: Emma tell me you didn't!
Emma: What? I thought you might like a nice home-cooked meal for once.
(There's a knock at the door.)
Manny: I'll get it.
Mr. Simpson: Da, da, da, da! One order of veggie moussaka. Emma's ooey gooey favourite.
Emma: Actually um Manny and I are gonna go for a walk.
Spike: No girls! Stay. Why don't you two set the table?
(They go to set the table.)
Emma: Oh my god, Ricotta.
Manny: Cream and butter and everything else that I see in my dreams.
Emma: We haven't starved for two days just to ruin it in ten minutes of gluttony.
Manny: So what do we do?
Emma: We sit at the table with mom and Archie and try and make them happy and the food we just push around your plates.
Mr. Simpson: Kitchen faucet's still leaking, huh? I should get my wrench.
Spike: It's fine Archie.
Mr. Simpson: Do you know how much water you're wasting? My wrench is downstairs.
Spike: Just leave it! Please.
Manny: This moussaka is amazing.
Mr. Simpson: Emma I haven't seen you touch yours.
Emma: Sure you have. Your cooking is something we've really missed around here.
Mr. Simpson: Well I miss cooking for you guys. I miss a lot of things. Sitting here at this table, I realize that this is where I belong and I never should have left.
Spike: You didn't leave Snake. I kicked you out. Remember?
Mr. Simpson: It's been long enough Spike. Can I...? I think I learned my lesson. I'm ready to come home.
Spike: Oh and that's your decision to make?
Mr. Simpson: No it's our decision, but yes I have a say in it.
Spike: You had your say and it involved another woman. Girls I think you need to go to your room.
(Emma and Manny go downstairs, but can still hear the argument upstairs.
Mr. Simpson: Spike I came over here with a peace offering and this is what I get?!
Spike: You think a pan of moussaka is gonna make everything better?
Mr. Simpson: No I don't. I thought maybe we could try to be civilized...
(They keep arguing.)
Emma: Fighting. Only fighting.
Manny: Fighting's a start, right? It's better than not talking at all.
Emma: I guess. I just wish I knew how it was gonna turn out. I hate not knowing what's gonna happen.
Manny: I'll tell you what's going to happen. I am going to explode from all that ooey gooey moussaka.
Emma: I wish I would explode. We could try and run it off. It'll only take, oh 6 hours.
Manny: If I move, I'll barf. It can't be healthy to be this full.
Emma: We could get rid of it.
Manny: Like how, puking? Isn't that kind of extreme?
Emma: Desperate times call for desperate purging.
Manny: It's not called purging. It's called bulimia.
Emma: Don't be so dramatic. These are special circumstances. You will feel better Manny. Come on. Come on.
(They go to the bathroom and Manny shuts the door.)
In the girl's locker room
Emma: Now for the moment of truth.
Manny: Could I go to the bathroom first? That's got to be half a pound.
(Manny steps on the scale.)
Manny: Em! I lost 3 pounds! 3 pounds in 4 days.
(Manny gets off and Emma steps on the scale.)
Manny: (Singing) I lost 3 pounds, 3 pounds, 3 pounds!
Emma: 4 pounds! I lost 4 pounds.
Manny: Em you are officially my lifestyle guru, like Bob on Oprah!
Emma: Okay so if we restrain ourselves today and work out after school, we might be up to 5 pounds by tomorrow.
Manny: Uh no, no, no. There's a butter tart in the caf with my name on it.
Emma: Manny no. If we're happy with less than our goal we're only disappointing ourselves. You've got an agent to impress. This is serious.
Manny: Okay Bob.
A montage starts with the girls measuring their waists
(They are shown running outside, eating in the cafeteria and dropping their carrots to go throw up one at a time while the other waits outside, and Manny is wearing her lucky jeans smiling.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
At Joey's house
Joey: Okay I got it. Change her oil.
Mr. Simpson: Are you serious? You really think doing an oil change on Spike's car is gonna win her back?
Joey: Snake I'm spitballing here, okay? Work with me buddy.
Mr. Simpson: Okay. Uh the roof's a mess. I could help redo it.
Joey: Yes and you can get all hot and sweaty while you're doing it. Chicks dig that. Sexy Snake. Snake the sexy roofer. I like it.
Diane: Come on. Women don't want an episode of 'This Old House'. They want a little romance. They want to know they're special. Spike is special to you, right? So prove it. Show her what's in your heart.
Mr. Simpson: I don't know that Spike's that interested what's in my heart right now.
Diane: She will be. Trust me. Just remind her why she fell in love with you in the first place. Woo her! In the cafeteria, Manny is watching the pizza spin around on the tray
Manny: Please stop saying my name! Stop. Manny. Manny. At Manny's locker, Manny's head is in her locker while she eats her pizza
Emma: What are you doing?
Manny: Um a little known fact is that pepperoni wedges are good in stress(?).
Emma: That's a lie.
Manny: Okay I'm just plain, naked hungry!
Emma: Hunger is a feeling Manny. Thin is a skill. Damage control time.
Manny: No!
(Emma throws the pizza slice away and brings Manny to the bathroom.)
Emma: I'll cover for you.
Manny: My jeans still fit general!
Emma: Manny your body is a reflection of you. The agent is going to see that you're undisciplined.
Manny: The agent is going to see that I have energy and rosy cheeks and that I don't have puke breath.
Emma: This is so typical Manny. Give up when the going gets tough.
Manny: It's one slice of pizza Em!
Emma: It's fat and starch and grease. Why not just pour poison down your throat?
Manny: Okay. There's just a little too much crazy in here.
(Manny leaves and Emma walks out of the bathroom, then passes out in the hall.)
Ms. Hatzilakos: Emma. Can you hear me? Emma! Maybe you should just sit still.
Emma: No I'm just dizzy I think. I think it's the flu or something.
Ms. Hatzilakos: Woah, woah, woah. Did you eat today?
Emma: Yes.
Ms. Hatzilakos: What did you eat Emma? Emma. It's okay. You can talk to me. I'm here for you.
Emma: That's funny.
At the mall
(Mr. Simpson walks up to Spike holding flowers and wearing a tuxedo.)
Mr. Simpson: The girls at the salon told me you were on break.
Spike: Are you selling roses in restaurants? What's with the penguin suit?
Mr. Simpson: I was wearing a t-shirt on our wedding day and I wanted to make sure I did this right. Spike you are my everything and if you let me come home I'll be worthy of you this time because you deserve everything. You're beautiful.
Spike: You hurt me.
Mr. Simpson: I know.
Spike: No. You don't really know. I loved you since I was sixteen. You were the one guy I thought was good. The one guy I was sure I could count on.
Mr. Simpson: Count on me now because I love you. I will never give up until you take me back.
(She hands the flowers back and he starts singing.)
Mr. Simpson: (Singing) You ask me if I love you and I choke on my reply. I'd rather hurt you honestly, than mislead you with a lie and sometimes when we touch the honesty's too much and I have to close my eyes and hide. I wanna hold you...
(Spike covers his mouth.)
Spike: Okay! Two conditions.
Mr. Simpson: Done.
Spike: No kissing anyone, but me ever again and no singing ever again.
(They start kissing and everyone around them starts cheering.)
At Emma's, Emma is cutting up pictures of models in magazines
Emma: How'd the audition go?
Manny: She said I have moxie.
Emma: Which means?
Manny: I have an agent!
Emma: I am so happy for you.
Manny: And I am so worried about you. I heard you fainted and these dismembered models are disturbing.
Emma: It's inspiration for when I want to lose a pound.
Manny: Okay, but you lost like 7. You're starting to scare me.
Emma: I'm gross Manny. I look disgusting.
Manny: When was the last time you ate?
Emma: A couple of days ago. I feel good.
Manny: But you look sick and the way you're talking you might be sick.
Emma: Okay Snake's bringing his special lasagna over tonight. I'll eat some.
Manny: He's coming back?! That's the juice and I am all over that lasagne.
Emma: May this diet rest in peace.
Manny: Good, because I need you healthy Emma. You're more than just my lifestyle guru you know.
(They hug.)
At dinner
Mr. Simpson: Everyone! Cheers to my amazing family!
(They all give cheers and clink glasses.)
Mr. Simpson: Oh wait, wait, wait. Actually I have an announcement to make.
Emma: Are you guys gonna finally stop calling each other by your high school nicknames?
Mr. Simpson: Not a bad idea, but no! Uh as you all know I still have a motorcycle fund, which I would like to use not to buy another motorcycle with, but to take us all to the shopping capital of the world: New York City!
Spike: New York? Are you sure?
Mr. Simpson: I've done all the boring, practical math and we're going baby.
Spike: Alright!
Manny: Wait who's included in 'we'?
Mr. Simpson: Well um you are part of the Nelson/Simpson clan, are you not?
Manny: I love you! I love you guys! How many empty suitcases can I bring?
Mr. Simpson: Oh, wow hey.
Emma: Okay this is, this is beyond anything. It actually might be one of those moments so I'm going to get the camera.
Mr. Simpson: Oh yeah, yeah, yeah! Cheers guys!
Spike: Cheers!
Manny: Cheers!
Mr. Simpson: Woo hoo!
(Emma leaves the room and throws up her food.)
Scenes for next week
Manny: (To the camera) Emma's my best friend in the world, but she's out of control.
Manny: I found your food diary.
Emma: Give that back!
Manny: I bet Spike would love to read this.
Emma: No!
Voiceover: Sometimes doing the right thing...
Emma: You're supposed to be my friend Manny! I can't even trust you!
Manny: I am! That's why I'm trying to help you!
(Emma is crying hysterically and faints suddenly.)
Mr. Simpson: Woah Emma!
Voiceover: ...isn't enough.
Mr. Simpson: Peter call 911! | Plan: A: Emma; Q: Who is losing control of her life? A: complete chaos; Q: What is Emma's life in? A: her solution; Q: What does Emma find when she and Manny go on a strict diet regime? A: junk food; Q: What food does Emma cut off? A: Joey; Q: Snake is tired of living with who? A: an attempt; Q: What does Snake make to reconcile with Spike? Summary: Emma's life is in complete chaos as she feels she is losing all control. She soon finds her solution when she and Manny go on a strict diet regime, which includes cutting off junk food, exercising, and purging. Meanwhile, tired of living with Joey, Snake makes an attempt to reconcile with Spike. |
Subsets and Splits