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Co-op checkout worker surprisingly opts against four months without wages to help her children study algebra. A Co-op checkout worker has surprisingly opted against taking a four-month unpaid break from work in order to sit with her children and try to teach them algebra. | 0 |
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Return to office merely a dispiriting reminder of how annoying colleagues are in person. Employees returning to the office for the first time in over a year and a half are facing up to the harsh reality that working in the same room as their colleagues once again is not as great as they remember. | 0 |
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Woman grows old and dies scrolling Asos dresses. A woman has lost the best years of her life attempting to reach the 3000th page of dresses on Asos. | 1 |
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Mother left furious as child’s toy spells ‘w*nker’. A Birmingham mother has been left furious at Amazon for selling her an ‘indecent’ toy for her three year old child. | 1 |
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Amazon offers bonuses of up to 15 extra seconds toilet break in the run up to Christmas. Amazon is to offer bonuses of up to 15 full extra seconds to go to the toilet during your shift in order to attract staff in the run-up to Christmas. | 1 |
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Outcry as sewage at British beaches contaminated by seawater. Good honest British sewage is being contaminated by possibly foreign seawater on beaches up and down the land, according to reports today. | 1 |
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Chickens excited by prospect of significant pay rise after learning of ‘huge rise’ chicken prices. After suppliers across the country warned that the price of chicken could be set to rise significantly, chickens have welcomed the news, along with their inevitable pay rise. | 1 |
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Man panic-buying toilet rolls for third time in a year providing helpful new definition of ‘insanity’. A man is busy this morning shoving as many toilet rolls as he can into his shopping trolley, seemingly unaware of how pointless it was when he did this twice before over the last year or so. | 1 |
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Government unveils ‘guaranteed to work’ petrol track & trace app to beat fuel crisis. A government smartphone app to monitor petrol availability and allocate refuelling appointments has been unveiled this morning, as queues to petrol stations continue to grow. | 1 |
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Chris Grayling to return as Transport Secretary to sort this shit out. With the haulage and fuel industries in crisis, Boris Johnson is rolling out the big guns to sort everything out – Chris Grayling is back. | 1 |
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Major rail incident declared as Huey Lewis found riding train without credit card. British Transport Police were called upon earlier today to resolve a dispute involving rock legend Huey Lewis. | 1 |
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IT Department confirm that you are not allowed to access porn in the office. In what might prove to be the most difficult aspect of the transition from home-working to going back to the office, the IT department have confirmed that you will not be allowed to access porn at your desk. | 1 |
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Brexit supporter delights in demanding bemused supermarket worker fetch him 20 fluid ounces of milk. A delighted Brexit supporter is today demanding his milk in units not understood by anyone under the age of 50. | 1 |
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Government proposes a ‘clap for lorry drivers’ to ease delivery crisis. Transport Secretary Grant Shapps has proposed a regular ‘clap for lorry drivers’ to thank them for their hard work making deliveries. | 1 |
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Swear jar installed in BBC newsroom to punish staff for using the word ‘Brexit’ in a negative context. BBC journalists who write or even utter the words ‘Brexit’, ‘Britain’s departure from the EU’ or anything remotely similar will be forced to pay a forfeit of fifty quid each time, it has emerged today. | 1 |
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70% of UK office workers wish to continue working from home because DUH. Seven out of ten UK office workers wish to continue working from home because OBVIOUSLY, according to reports this morning. | 0 |
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Classy Glaswegian restaurant just grates a light sprinkling of batter onto your food. Glasgow – The Grand Scots, Glasgow’s latest and classiest fine-dining experience, is really pushing gastronomic boundaries by just grating from a lump of the finest batter onto your food. | 1 |
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Bob the Builder returns home to Poland. Popular local builder Bob has returned home to Poland leaving local residents at a loss who will carry out renovations, construction and repair. | 1 |
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Branches of Costa on verge of becoming entirely arsehole-free. Coffee chain Costa coffee is on the verge of becoming free from the sort of arsehole that takes advice from Laurence Fox. | 1 |
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Ryanair to evacuate people from Kabul by landing planes in neighbouring Uzbekistan. Budget airline Ryanair has offered to assist with the Kabul evacuation – if people are willing to take a short bus journey to Uzbekistan. | 0 |
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We can eat sovereignty on toast and tinned freedom, insist Brexiters. Leading Brexiters have hit back at what they see as scare-mongering over post-Brexit food supply issues by promising sovereignty on toast and tinned freedom for everyone. | 1 |
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Government calls in SAS to deliver groceries as road haulage shortage intensifies. Members of Britains special forces are being deployed to rappel down your wall, blow out your window and throw bags of shopping into your kitchen as a part of government plans to tackle delivery shortages to supermarkets. | 1 |
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Millions of homes to be demolished to encourage home workers back into office. Rishi Sunak has announced a bold plan to raze a third of Britain’ homes to the ground, forcing workers currently working from home back into the office workplace seeking food and shelter. | 1 |
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"30% off for gays during Pride Month" beams cynical used car dealer. A used car dealer has massively missed the mark when it comes to Pride Month. | 1 |
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‘Bloody foreigners, staying over there avoiding our jobs’ bemoans Wetherspoons’ Tim Martin. Wetherspoons boss Tim Martin has today criticised the EU for raising a load of workshy fops unwilling to come over here and pull pints for decent British patriots. | 1 |
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Acting unlawfully is a bad thing to do, unless it enriches your friends, confirm Tories. Michael Gove has today clarified the government’s position on ‘acting unlawfully’, insisting it is a bad thing unless it is done to enrich the friends, family or indeed political donors. | 1 |
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Travel firms desperate to learn to which countries they can drastically increase the cost of holidays. Travel companies are desperately waiting for news today of the countries to which they can drastically increase the price for a holiday the very instant that they are placed on the green list for travel. | 1 |
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If you ignore the massive government bribe, Nissan staying in the UK is a great Brexit story, insists Brexiter. Nissan has announced plans to invest further in the northeast and to develop a battery production facility, in a move Brexiters are hailing as a huge boost for Brexit Britain if you just ignore the huge sums of taxpayer money the government gave them to stay. | 0 |
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Pre-match TV build-up to Sunday’s Euro final starting now. TV channels have adjusted their schedules to account for Sunday’s Euro final between England and Italy and accordingly the build-up, punditry, and hastily thrown-together documentaries will begin approximately now. | 1 |
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Richard Branson now resident in space for tax purposes. Today Sir Richard Branson slipped the surly bonds of Earth’s taxation laws, becoming space’s first tax exile. | 1 |
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Rail bosses promise passengers significant investment in state of the art excuses. With a return to commuting on the horizon, passengers will be delighted to learn that railway firms have spent millions developing the next generation of feeble excuses for their shitty services.Cracked trainsUnavailability of passengersTrain has low self-esteemA butterfly flapped its wings in Beijing | 1 |
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Bailiffs collecting Boris Johnson’s £535 CCJ debt leave Downing Street with a roll of wallpaper. Bailiffs instructed to collect payment of Boris Johnson’s CCJ debt of £535 have been paid in full after being handed a roll of wallpaper. | 1 |
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Decent journalists don’t trick people into interviews, say people involved in hacking dead schoolgirl’s phone. Britons are delighted to be told by an assortment of racists-for-hire, phone hackers, blackmailers, stalkers and creeps who publish long-range lens bikini shots with the title "all grown up", that the shady actions of one journalist decades ago should be the end of the BBC. | 1 |
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Boots ‘mix and match’ vaccine gift sets to be ready for Christmas. Boots will be offering ‘mix and match’ vaccine gift sets just in time for Christmas it is revealed today. | 1 |
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Archive footage reveals British inventor reached space thirty years before Bezos and Branson. The space race between privately-funded businessmen was pre-empted by a single British inventor in the late 1980s, it has emerged. | 0 |
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Livid James Dyson orders PM to scrap £2.6m briefing room after spotting a Henry Hoover in the corner. A furious James Dyson is behind the move by Boris Johnson to scrap his £2.6m Downing Street briefing room, it has emerged. | 1 |
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Ten libellous statements about Mark Zuckerberg that he’ll never see as his algorithms have crippled satire. We can write whatever we like as only about five people will end up reading this article thanks to Facebook’s algorithms, it has emerged. | 1 |
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Carveries start putting food under the lights in preparation for reopening next month. Britain’s carveries have started putting lovely, fresh-cooked meat and vegetables under the lights so they’ll be good and solid when they re-open in a months’ time. | 1 |
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Amazon launch new portable bathroom range for busy employees. Stung by criticism about staff having to relieve themselves into bottles as they don’t get enough time off to even visit a lavatory, Amazon has released a new own-brand range of portable bathroom utensils to help workers ‘on the job whilst on the job’. | 1 |
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Billionaires announce that ‘Free Market’ will now have a million-dollar entry fee. After stock market mayhem which saw multi-millionaires being taken to the cleaners by thousands of ordinary people, an alliance of like-minded fat-cats has announced that in order to protect the future of their yacht fleets, the free market will now charge one million dollars for entry. | 1 |
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Warnings that Reddit market manipulation may have caused coup in Myanmar. There was further alarm about the actions of the so-called ‘Reddit army’ from the WallStreetBets Reddit forum after suggestions that their continued manipulations of markets could have been the cause of the overnight military coup in Myanmar. | 1 |
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Daily Mail reader bursts blood vessel in eye after Meghan Markle wins privacy case. Daily Mail readers across the country are popping blood vessels in their eyes left right and centre this morning after learning of Meghan Markle’s victory against their favourite bastion of truth. | 1 |
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Netflix membership fees to increase by 50p for each household sharing the account. Netflix membership fees are set to increase by £2 per month from March for a premium account, equating to an inflation-busting 50p per household for the usual four households all sharing the same account. | 1 |
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Supply issues mean June, July, and August may not happen this year. There is increasing concern that problems with the global supply chain may mean that June, July and August won’t happen this year, making Summer just a couple of days at the end of May and then the first two weeks at the start of September. | 1 |
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Ruble drops to record low against Monopoly money. After overnight turmoil in the international money markets, the Russian Ruble has dropped to a record low against Monopoly money this morning. | 0 |
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‘Ed Sheeran stole my song too’ says man who once said ‘shape’ in his bedroom. A man who once said ‘shape’ whilst writing a song in his bedroom has demanded a large cash settlement from singer Ed Sheeran for clearly stealing his song. | 1 |
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British news presenters to go on strike until their employers remove any risk of encountering Mick Lynch. Senior broadcast figures on the nation’s airwaves are set to take industrial action, citing a huge increase in the risk of encountering a rogue trade union leader who makes them look like laughably predictable shit-stirring gobshites. | 1 |
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Water bosses told to clean up the nation’s shoreline using thousands of tiny turd bags. Water bosses are facing an ordeal experienced millions of pet owners every day, after being told to clean up their shit using tiny plastic bags. | 1 |
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McDonald’s ‘Happy Meal’ to be re-named ‘Skint and Miserable Meal’. Mcdonald’s Happy Meals are set to be re-named McDonald’s Skint and Miserable Meals it has been revealed today. | 1 |
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Hosepipe ban imposed after Southern Water fears it can’t guarantee the smooth dumping of raw sewage. The unprecedented drought has forced water company Southern Water to impose a hosepipe ban in parts of the country as low river flow threatens the daily discharge of human excrement that is absolutely vital to the ability of shareholders to buy shiny new stuff. | 1 |
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Missing wargamer found under collapsed pile of his own unpainted miniatures. A three-day missing persons hunt has been called off after local wargamer Simon Williams was discovered buried under a huge pile of unpainted miniatures in his home. | 1 |
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Nation that made it illegal to leave one turd in a field seemingly comfortable with millions of turds on its beaches. As millions of turds find themselves floating around the nation’s beaches, many have questioned how this can be legal but you can get a fine for leaving a single dog turd in a disused field. | 1 |
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‘We have to keep petrol prices this high or our quarterly profits could drop below $5bn’ insists BP. BP has insisted today that they have no option but to pass on the increased cost of gas and oil to customers, otherwise they would be in danger of making less than $10bn for the half-year. | 1 |
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Viennetta on a stick will make everything alright. In a world of rising inflation, Brexit, and the threat of a Liz Truss premiership, experts have concluded that the only thing that will make everything alright is a Viennetta on a stick. | 1 |
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Sun journalists pay tribute to Queen by looking very sad while rifling through the bins of her children and grandchildren. Tabloid journalists have chosen to mourn the passing of Queen Elizabeth by maintaining a sad but dignified composure when relentlessly stalking her offspring in an attempt to display their most intimate secrets to bored gossip junkies. | 1 |
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Labour insists it remains 100% behind workers right to strike, up until the moment they actually do. Labour leader Sir Keir Starmer has reaffirmed his party’s complete support for any workers who wish to take strike action, support that will remain in place right up until the moment they actually do it. | 1 |
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‘I’ve no idea where this Ferrari stuffed with cash on my driveway came from’ insists judge clearing Platini and Blatter of fraud. The Swiss judge who cleared Michelle Platini and Sep Blatter of fraud in a Swiss court, has insisted today that the brand-new Ferrari filled with untraceable bank notes which she now owns was just found on her driveway by pure coincidence. | 1 |
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‘We shouldn’t have to work in this heat’ insists man working in air-conditioned office in shorts. A man has insisted today that he should not be made to work in this extreme heat, whilst sat in his air- conditioned office right next to a drinks machine in a pair of shorts and a t-shirt. | 1 |
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Global conspiracy to poison entire population under threat after Ryanair introduces chemtrail surcharge. Ryanair is to implement a new surcharge for all chemtrails dispersed during their flights. | 1 |
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Energy company bosses warn hundreds of executives’ families at risk of falling into Fuel Wealth. Energy company bosses are warning the government that hundreds – if not thousands – of energy company executives’ families are at risk of falling into serious Fuel Wealth in the upcoming months. | 1 |
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As the average tank tops £100, what steps are YOU taking to save money on petrol? We asked, you answered. As petrol prices across the country made their biggest daily jump in 17 years, motorists everywhere are taking steps to reduce their fuel consumption in any number of innovative ways. | 1 |
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‘If you want to help people onto the housing ladder you could start by giving £600 a month mortgages to people already paying £1000 a month in rent’ government told. The public has said that if the government really wants to help people get onto the housing ladder, then there are currently millions of people paying more in rent than they need for a mortgage who would like a quiet word in their ear. | 1 |
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Government offers weekly ‘clap for rail workers’ to end strike. The Government has made a dramatic, last-minute offer of a weekly ‘clap for rail workers’ in an attempt to prevent the week-long rail strike set to cripple the country. | 1 |
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Billionaires buying social networks always works out brilliantly, insists former MySpace owner Rupert Murdoch. Rupert Murdoch has praised Elon Musk’s purchase of Twitter, insisting billionaires buying social networks always leads to positive outcomes. | 1 |
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Elizabeth Line bosses promise passengers ‘state of the art’ excuses for delays. With the Elizabeth Line finally set to open later this month, just four years late, passengers will be delighted to learn that bosses have spent millions developing the next generation of feeble excuses for their inevitably delayed services.Cracks in the multiverseUnavailability of passengersTrain has low self-esteemA butterfly flapped its wings in Beijing | 1 |
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Energy companies making billions in profit every month during an energy crisis is just further proof that privatisation works, insists government. The government has reacted to BP making a £6.9 billion quarterly profit in the midst of an energy crisis by insisting it is just further proof that privatising essential national services works really well. | 1 |
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Just get better-paid jobs, explains Tory minister to struggling families who had never considered such a radical move. People struggling with the cost of living crisis should just move to a job that pays better wages, according to safeguarding minister and wise economic sage Rachel Maclean. | 1 |
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Man angry at ban on junk food advertising worried he might forget what a cheeseburger is. A man who has loudly described his opposition to a ban on advertising junk food, is really just worried he might forget about some of the things he likes. | 1 |
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Nestle pull KitKats out of Russia after Putin spotted eating one like some kind of monster. Swiss food giant Nestle is pulling KitKats out of Russia, after Vladimir Putin was spotted eating one like a fucking monster. | 1 |
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Man who spent all his money on NFTs fails to pay his gas bill with JPEG of an ape. A man who spent all of his life savings on NFTs, convinced they would make him rich, has today struggled to get his energy supplier to accept a jpeg of an ape as payment for his gas bill. | 1 |
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Southampton FC widely condemned for failing to keep a Covid-denying conspiracy theorist as ‘the face of club’. Southampton football club have been widely condemned by the football community for their decision to remove a Covid-denying conspiracy theorist as the club’s most recognisable brand ambassador. | 1 |
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Doctor Evil to buy MySpace. Volcano-dwelling business magnate and global supervillain Doctor Evil has announced he intends to purchase MySpace for slightly more than one million American dollars. | 1 |
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Google Play after 10 years: 200% increase in monthly active users for Indian apps. There is greater focus on extending resources and mentorship to app developers from smaller towns, and Google insists they want to focus on the local talent to give them a platform to reach out to a 2.5-billion-strong user base | 0 |
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Do you need to pay GST on rented house? Check new rules applicable from July 18. Earlier, rent of residential properties till July 17, 2022 was exempted from GST irrespective of whether the tenant or landlord is registered or not. But from July 18, a tenant who is registered will be liable to pay GST on renting a property for residential purposes. | 0 |
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More than 7% Indians owned cryptocurrency in 2021: UN trade body report. The report by the UNCTAD (United Nations Conference on Trade and Development), said the increase in use of cryptocurrencies had increased exponentially globally because of the Covid pandemic. | 0 |
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Zomato discontinues this premium membership scheme. Check full details. Zomato Pro members used to get additional benefits including fine dining hotspots to premium restaurants, bars cafes etc. They also get exclusive delivery offers, which is not available to other Zomato users. | 0 |
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Udan scheme: Jamshedpur, India's steel city, to be re-connected by air in Oct. Earlier, airlines, including MDLR, Vayudoot and Deccan Airways, had launched flights to nearby cities, such as Kolkata and Ranchi from Sonari aerodrome, with small aircraft, but later they stopped services. | 0 |
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India to oust China firms from below ₹12,000 smartphone market: Report. The move coincides with mounting concern about high-volume brands like Realme and Transsion undercutting local manufacturers, said people familiar with the matter. | 0 |
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Markets closing bell: Sensex drops over 800 points to end at 58,774; Nifty at 17,493. Markets closing bell: Sensex drops over 800 points to end at 58,774; Nifty at 17,493. | 0 |
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Vodafone Agrees to Sell Hungary Unit for 1.8 Billion Euros. Vodafone said, it sold the assets to 4iG Public Ltd. and Corvinus Zrt, a Hungarian state holding company. | 0 |
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Elon Musk cites whistleblower as more reason to exit Twitter deal. In an SEC filing Tuesday, Musk said his legal team notified Twitter of “additional bases” for ending the deal on top of the ones given in the original termination notice issued in July. | 0 |
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Sri Lanka raises taxes, announces reforms to win IMF aid. “The island nation will increase value-added tax to 15% from the current 12% starting Sept. 1,” Sri Lankan President Ranil Wickremesinghe said in his interim budget speech Tuesday. | 0 |
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India’s external debt grew by 8.2% in 2021-22: Finance ministry. The external debt as a ratio to gross domestic product (GDP) fell marginally to 19.9% at the end of March 2022 from 21.2% a year ago | 0 |
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Now, check your bank balance using Aadhaar card. Here's a step-by-step guide. The Aadhaar number is linked to a person's biometric data, such as fingerprint and iris scan images, and, therefore, can be used to check account balance. | 0 |
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Reliance to acquire majority stake in this US-based solar energy software maker SenseHawk. The deal value is worth USD 32 million, including funding for future growth, commercial rollout of products, and research and development (R&D), Reliance said in a regulatory filing to the stock exchanges. | 0 |
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SpiceJet needs fresh capital of ₹2,000 crore to continue flying: Report. Chief financial officer Sanjeev Taneja resigned last week with the airline deep in crisis. The board has identified a replacement, who is expected to join later this week. | 0 |
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Kotak Mahindra Bank pitches for standardising fraud reporting to RBI. The appeal from Kotak Mahindra Bank came days after reports citing official data said the lender reported 5,278 cases of fraud in the first quarter of FY23, as against only 9 for the nation's largest lender SBI. | 0 |
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Tamilnad Mercantile Bank IPO gets fully subscribed on Day 2. Check details. Tamilnad Mercantile Bank IPO: The TMB is one of the oldest private sector banks in India. It offers a wide range of banking and financial services to micro, small and medium enterprise, agriculture and retail customers. | 0 |
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Centre releases revenue deficit grant of ₹7,183.42 crore to 14 states. The Fifteenth Finance Commission recommended a total post-devolution revenue deficit (PDRD) grant of ₹86,201 crore to 14 states for the financial year 2022-23 | 0 |
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Markets settle modestly lower in volatile trade. The selling pressure emerged towards the fag-end of the session. After rising over 320 points in intra-day trade, the 30-share BSE Sensex pared all gains to settle 48.99 points or 0.08 per cent lower at 59,196.99. | 0 |
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Adani group says not overleveraged, loans from public sector banks halved. Adani group responded to CreditSights report which said companies in the group have consistently de-levered, with the net debt to Ebitda ratio declining to 3.2 times from 7.6 times in the last nine years. | 0 |
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Indian airport service aggregator DreamFolks soars 68% in market debut. Shares climbed to as much as 549 rupees in the session, giving the company a valuation of 28.71 billion rupees ($359.45 million). The stock was trading at 473 rupees as of 0543 GMT, compared to the issue price of 326 rupees. | 0 |
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ED arrests former NSE MD-CEO Ravi Narain in money laundering case. Ravi Narain was the MD and CEO of NSE from April 1994 to March 31, 2013. | 0 |
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Indices close in red; Sensex settles at over 59,000, Nifty at 17,624. From the Sensex pack, IndusInd Bank, Mahindra & Mahindra, Maruti, Bharti Airtel, State Bank of India, Tata Steel, ICICI Bank and HDFC were major laggards. | 0 |
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Bank of Maharashtra mobilises ₹710 crore via bonds. The fund raised via Basel III compliant Additional Tier 1 (AT1) bonds of ₹710 crore (including green shoe option of ₹610 crore) is at a coupon rate of 8.74 per cent, the bank said in a statement. | 0 |
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Sensex slumps 474 points to 58,723, Nifty falls to 17,484. From the Sensex pack, IndusInd Bank, Bharti Airtel, HCL Technologies, Axis Bank, Tech Mahindra, Kotak Mahindra Bank, HDFC, Infosys, HDFC Bank and Reliance Industries were major laggards in early trade. | 0 |
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Here’s everything Apple announced at its iPhone 14 event. The new phone, iPhone 14, includes upgrades to cameras, including a machine-learning based image processing feature that the company said improves low light photography capabilities by 49%, and autofocus in the front camera | 0 |
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Apple launches iPhone 14 series, rugged Watch Ultra and updated AirPods Pro. The new iPhone 14, includes tweaks to cameras which include an updated machine-learning based image processing as well as larger physical sensors, which are expected to improve low light photography capabilities, and autofocus in the front camera | 0 |
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Apple iPhone 14 Pro and iPhone 14 Pro Max aren’t exactly incremental upgrades. iPhones are yet to make the switch to the Apple Silicon, the M series chips that now power the iPads and MacBooks, for instance | 0 |
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India's August fuel demand rises 16.3% year-on-year. Sales of gasoline, or petrol, were 11.6% higher from a year earlier at 3 million tonnes. | 0 |
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