coderchen01/DocMSU · Datasets at Hugging Face

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	‘You have nothing to fear from a no-deal Brexit’ insist nation’s millionaires and billionaires. Britain’s millionaires and billionaires have very kindly taken time out of their busy schedules to reassure peasants throughout the country that there is nothing to fear from Britain leaving the EU without a deal.	1
	Andrex signs exclusive deal to publish absorbent version of David Cameron’s memoirs. Well-known toilet paper manufacturer and Labrador puppy model agency, Andrex, is to publish a unique serialisation of David Cameron’s memoirs, it has emerged.	1
	Drowning children must pass British Citizenship test before being rescued, confirms Daily Mail. After publishing a controversial article on Mail Online yesterday which has led to some RNLI supporters cancelling their donations, the Daily Mail has today been forced to clarify their position on the RNLI’s overseas work.	1
	Bank of Mum and Dad to seek government bailout after paying for summer holidays and new school uniforms. Britains biggest lender, the Bank of Mum and Dad, is understood to be under ‘severe pressure’ after funding both summer holidays and new school uniforms in the last few weeks.	1
	Denmark counteroffers by offering to buy Puerto Rico. Denmark has responded to Donald Trump’s offer to buy Greenland with a suggestion they buy Puerto Rico instead, as ‘he’s not taking very good care of it’.	1
	Europeans keen to boycott Brazilian products as soon as they can think of any. As international outrage escalates over the destruction by fire of huge swathes of the Amazon, a growing number of people on social media have taken to asking for a boycott of Brazilian products, and also if someone could identify these that would be lovely.	1
	‘Free Delivery over £75’ is not a f*cking special offer, online shops told. The world has united in disdain for online companies sending emails with ‘Special offer inside!’, only to find it contains a ‘free delivery when you spend over £75’ voucher inside.	1
	Britons finding excuses to hang round in the supermarket freezer aisle. People are finding any excuse to linger in the supermarket freezer aisle for up to several hours at a time, according to reports today.	0
	Jeremy Corbyn responds to renewed threat of no-deal Brexit with marathon jam-making session. Jeremy Corbyn has responded to Boris Johnson’s threat to take Britain out of the EU without a deal with a commitment to finish making three dozen jars of strawberry jam by this weekend.	1
	Chris Grayling accidentally burns down local McDonald’s six minutes into new job. Chris Grayling’s new job is off to a typically disastrous start.	1
	Security services hugely grateful to everyone for uploading their biometric data to FaceApp. The nation’s security services have thanked users of FaceApp for voluntarily uploading facial biometric data to a device on the Internet so they can file it away for use as they please.	1
	Iron Bank of Braavos in line for huge government bailout after lending all its money to the Lannisters. The Iron Bank of Braavos is in line for a huge bailout after executives engaged in ‘highly risky speculation’ in the fortunes of House Lannister, it has emerged.	1
	Yorkshire celebrating Easter two days late now that chocolate eggs are half price. Yorkshire is to celebrate Easter two days late to take advantage of 50% off deals on chocolate eggs.	1
	Twitter adds vital new ‘report spoiler’ function ahead of Avengers: Endgame release. Twitter is to increase support for its users by adding what it describes as ‘vital’ new functionality ahead of the release of Avengers: Endgame.	0
	World Championship Snooker to launch replica kits. The Snooker World Championship will aim to emulate the cynical money-making of the Champions League with the introduction of multiple replica kits.	1
	McDonald’s releases new Tommy Robinson McThuggets with free milkshake. McDonald’s are making hay after one of their milkshakes was thrown over Tommy Robinson.	1
	Winterfell Starbucks introduces Giants Milk Latte. Giant’s Milk Chai Latte is the latest addition to the range at Winterfell Starbucks, to help keep you warm through the endless winter.	1
	Disney unveils latest addition to ‘Disney Princesses’ as 20th Century Fox takeover is completed. The takeover of 20th Century Fox by Disney will allow girls to be the Queen they always wanted to be, insiders have confirmed.	1
	Industry panic at realisation Theresa May will soon be looking for a real job. The initial delight and relief across industry that Theresa May would be quitting as Prime Minister has been replaced by concern and worry as the realisation hits home that she will soon be looking for a job.	1
	Philip Green lookalike seen ‘licking lips’ at Debenhams’ pension scheme. Reports have been made that a man who looked a lot like ‘entrepreneur’ ‘Sir’ Philip Green has been allegedly licking his lips whilst staring at the Debenhams pension scheme.	1
	Britain warned of Um Bongo shortages in event of hard Brexit. Essential supplies of Apricot, Guava and Mango are likely to be disrupted in the event of border controls leading to ‘drastic and immediate shortages’ of Um Bongo, Britain has been warned.	1
	Yorkshire on high alert after man spotted buying Quinoa in Doncaster. People in Yorkshire are warned to be on the lookout after a man was spotted buying Quinoa in Doncaster yesterday.	1
	Criminalisation of upskirting means Daily Mail unable to print any more photos of female celebrities. New upskirting laws mean the Daily Mail may no longer be allowed to print carefully-angled paparazzi photographs of B-list female celebrities getting out of their car, lawyers have warned.	1
	Businesses panic at prospect of Chris Grayling in private sector role. UK CEOs were reported to be ‘extremely concerned’ at the prospect of Chris Grayling leaving government and joining their companies in an advisory role.	1
	Jacob Rees-Mogg asks his LBC listeners which race of boy makes the best chimney sweep. Jacob Rees-Mogg has a new radio show on LBC, and will be discussing with his audience the important issues of the day.	1
	Lenny Henry sought in connection with digger attack on Travelodge. Premier Inn poster boy and funny man Lenny Henry has been named as a suspect following an incident yesterday in which a digger was driven into a Liverpool Travelodge.	1
	Man who didn’t understand the Customs Union moves neatly on to not understanding the WTO. A man who had no clue whatsoever how the EU’s Customs Union worked also has no idea how the WTO works either, he has revealed to friends on Facebook today.	1
	Coronavirus panic-buying in Doncaster leads to shops selling out of Stella Artois and family-sized bags of Quavers. Shops in Doncaster and surrounding areas have been ‘completely stripped’ of essentials including 28-can slabs of Stella and family-sized bags of crisps as nervous shoppers stockpile, according to reports.	1
	Majority of people still not saving enough pornography for retirement. There is a growing concern that the majority of people are still not saving enough pornography to see them through retirement.	1
	Missing man located buried under collapsed pile of his own stockpiled toilet paper. A three-day missing person hunt has been called off after local man Simon Williams was discovered buried under a collapsed heap of toilet paper in his home.	1
	Social media influencers shocked to find out they are not considered ‘key workers’. Astoundingly vain people who have somehow managed to monetise their soulless narcissism were astounded that they were excluded from the list of jobs that a society needs to keep functioning.	1
	Middle-aged man urgently reassures his 78 followers that his Twitter account was not hacked. Derek Williams, an opinionated retiree who likes to comment on Brexit and bad cyclists, has spent hours telling his followers that he had been spared the Twitter hack that took over the accounts of people like Barack Obama and Elon Musk to scam thousands of dollars.	1
	M&S employees promised ‘not just any redundancy’. With the news that a number of Marks and Spencer shops are to be closed, senior management at the struggling retailerhave assured staff that their redundancy will be something special.	1
	Scotch Egg declared ‘substantial meal’ following large cash donation to Tory party from mysterious Scotch Egg oligarch. The government has declared that a ‘scotch egg’ will count as a substantial meal during Tier 2 and 3 lockdowns, following a sizeable donation to the Tory party by a mysterious Scotch Egg oligarch.	1
	High Street footfall finally increases as administrators pile into every store. Footfall across the UK’s high streets has massively increased as hundreds of thousands of administrators flood into stores country-wide.	1
	Here we go again, say jubilant toilet roll manufacturers. Britain’s toilet paper manufacturers have already put in their orders for a new car after new lockdowns were announced.	1
	New Creme Egg advert slammed for promoting the ‘abnormal’ behaviour of sharing chocolate. An advert for Cadbury’s Creme Eggs is facing criticism from all quarters for promoting the idea that anyone would want to ever share their chocolate.	1
	Pfizer announces new 20% more expensive ‘Pink Vaccine’ for women. The UK has bought 20 million doses of Pfizer’s slightly more expensive new ‘For Her’ vaccine, created especially for women.	1
	Idiot shop owners to identify themselves with ‘Magna Carta Article 61’ posters in their windows. The nation’s moron shop owners have announced plans to identify themselves to the public at large by putting a sign in the window to clearly demonstrate their lack of intelligence.	1
	Guinness recalls cans of non-alcoholic stout because, what’s the point?. Guinness is recalling all cans of its non-alcoholic stout today because there is absolutely no point in drinking it.	1
	Brexit Party demands Vimto Christmas lorry tours Britain. The Brexit Party has demanded that Britain bans the Coca-Cola Christmas lorry in favour of a far more British Vimto Christmas lorry.	1
	The only respectable way to muzzle the press is to have journalists beaten up, insists Boris Johnson. The Prime Minister has condemned activist group Extinction Rebellion for trying to stop the work of British journalists with peaceful sit-ins instead of the traditional methods of grabbing mobile phones, hiding in fridges and assaulting reporters in their homes.	1
	‘We’ll let you off, but this is the 308th and last time’ banks told. Banks and financial institutions which filtered money from criminal activity and ponzi schemes are to be given their 308th slap on the wrist.	1
	Facebook threatens Europe with fair elections decided by well-informed voters. As a warning shot to the EU, over a proposed ban on Facebook selling data of EU citizens to US companies, the social media giant has warned it might very well deprive Europeans of paranoid conspiracy theories, misspelled racist rants and electoral manipulation.	1
	Employees encouraged to cram back into offices so Starbucks can carry on avoiding tax. Britain’s workers are being encouraged to go back to their offices so that overpriced coffee granule-wetter Starbucks can carry on generating profits upon which they subsequently avoid tax.	1
	Right-wing comedians suddenly big fans of positive discrimination. After news that the BBC is considering broadcasting less ‘left-wing’ comedy, right-wing comedians have suddenly agreed that positive discrimination is a very good thing indeed.	1
	Donald Trump continues pledge to rid America of Barack Obama’s influence by taking US economy back to pre-Obama levels. As the United States recorded it’s worst quarterly economic performance since the Second World War, Donald Trump has hailed his administration for getting the economy back to a place that looks like Barack Obama’s eight years in charge never even happened.	1
	Man about to be made redundant breathes huge sigh of relief, as half price cheeky Nando’s announced for August. A man just days away from being made redundant has breathed an enormous sigh of relief today after learning he can now go out for a half-price meal that he can’t afford, on a Tuesday night in August.	1
	Dads nationwide to squeeze every last drop out of Rishi Sunak’s meal deal. Everybody’s dad has got the calculator out in anticipation of getting a cracking deal at a restaurant.	1
	Government confirms there is no need to wear a mask in shops as long as you’re carrying a pint. The government has announced new rules that will require you to wear a face mask in all shops from the 24th July, unless you are carrying a pint and decide to treat the place like a pub.	1
	How to monetise your blog by making it a blog about how to monetise a blog. The best way to successfully monetise your blog is to change the topic of the blog to ‘how to monetise your blog.’	1
	Amazon reports critically low stocks of any old shit. Online tat merchant Amazon has reported that its stocks of any old shit have reached critically low levels.	1
	Risk-loving adrenaline junkies excited by prospect of cinema pick ‘n’ mix. People who get a kick out of risking their lives can’t wait for cinemas to reopen so they can fill their boots at the self-service sweet counter.	0
	Man breaks personal best by only logging in to amend his online supermarket order 92 times. An incredibly organised man broken his personal after logging back in to change his online grocery shop on a mere ninety-two occasions.	1
	Gary Lineker’s small band of mercenaries sneak Walkers’ crisps out of Leicester. Gary Lineker is determined that the world should not live without Walkers’ crisps.	1
	Elon Musk wakes from three-day bender hoping he didn’t say anything stupid. Elon Musk has finally come down from being high as a kite for the last three days and expressed a hope he didn’t say anything he might regret whilst off his tits.	1
	Boris Johnson announces phased return to work for saucy strumpets, game fillies and hot totty. Benny Hill cosplayer and occasional prime minister, Boris Johnson, has explained his vision for a progressive end to the lockdown which would begin with bringing back some eye candy for gents whose current shag is being tetchy, and eventually moving to a full return of delightful young things who know a thing or two about discretion.	1
	Social distancing forces Debenhams to limit number of in-store shoppers to three times the normal numbers. Due to social distancing guidelines, Debenhams has advised that they intend to limit the number of shoppers allowed in store to just three times the number would normally get on any given day.	1
	Elon Musk chooses worst possible moment to come out as a Flat-Earther. Entrepreneur and apparently needy, attention-seeking billionaire Elon Musk took to Twitter to announce his belief the Earth was flat last night, literally twenty minutes after launching a spaceship off it.	1
	Primark can’t do discounts as that would mean giving money to you. Primark will not be having a sale because "are you mental?" according to reports this morning.	1
	Man told fifteen lies in less than a minute as car salesmen return to work. A man has today been told fifteen complete lies in less than one minute as car showrooms finally open up again across the UK.	1
	Corporate Twitter account offers heartfelt copy and paste of Marvin Gaye quote in support of #BlackLivesMatter. A corporate Twitter account has demonstrated its support of the #BlackLivesMatter movement with a heartfelt copy and paste of a Marvin Gaye quote from .	1
	Humans to be allowed out of temporary lockdown to see animals in permanent lockdown. Zoo animals across the UK have expressed delight that humans will be able to come and see them locked in their cages, admitting that the last few months must have ‘been awful for them’.	1
	Mike Ashley sends Newcastle United players to pick fruit on farm in Surrey. The owner of Newcastle United has temporarily transferred his entire squad to a fruit farm in Surrey to generate some much-needed income during the lockdown.	1
	Domestos launches new ‘Patriot Smoothie’ for Trump supporters. Well-known bleach manufacturer Domestos has this morning explained that it has no intention of looking a gift horse in the mouth and will be launching bleach smoothies for Donald Trump supporters later today.	1
	‘I don’t need Wetherspoons to reopen’ says man with a barrel of warm piss in his shed. After Wetherspoons declared its intention to reopen some of its pubs in June, die-hard patrons of its establishments have, within days, even minutes, of lockdown, recreated the ambience in their dank lifeless sheds, ensuring no need for the pubs to open again.	1
	Unsolicited email fails to begin by asking how you and your family are doing at this difficult time. An email from a potential supplier has this morning failed to begin with the now customary concern for the well being of yourself and your family during the lockdown.	1
	Salesman claims to have hit 122% of sales target after putting 40,000 proposals in the post. IT salesman Simon Williams is today claiming to have blown his sales target out of the water after spending the last day of the month posting proposals to every lead he could find.	1
	Man working from home still slightly late every single day. A man who’s been working from a desk in the corner of his bedroom for the last two months is on the verge of getting sacked for consistent tardiness.	1
	Woman disappointed to be recalled from furlough just as she discovers her favourite breakfast wine. A Basingstoke woman has expressed her disappointment at being recalled from furlough just as she has discovered her favourite breakfast wine.	1
	Tiger King sequel to feature London family who share their house with a bear. Producers of the hit Netflix series ‘Tiger King’ are understood to have already moved ahead with production of a sequel about a London family who keep a bear in their house.	0
	Waitrose customers relieved as hummus stock levels return to normal. As panic-buying finally begins to ease off, Waitrose customers are once again able to buy essential items such as hummus and organic kale crisps.	1
	White House launches Trump-branded coronavirus medicine. Declaring himself ‘unhappy’ with the speed medical professionals are reaching a cure for the Covid-19 virus, President Trump used his address to the nation to announce the launch of his own, Trump-branded drugs to treat the disease today.	1
	University of Life announces all courses to be online Facebook memes and weird YouTube channels from September. Students at the University of Life will be able to get all the education they need from Facebook memes and obscure YouTube channels from September, it has announced.	1
	Donald Trump adds Lord Voldemort as an adviser to help restart US economy. President Trump has followed the appointment of Vince McMahon as a presidential advisor on restarting the economy, by giving a similar role Lord Voldemort himself.	1
	Opinion: Now is the perfect time to convert your oil tanker into a secret supervillain lair. As oil prices head to unprecedented lows – in some cases so low producers are literally paying you to take the stuff away – many shipping owners will be wondering: is it time to convert my tanker into a secret supervillain lair and prey on the US and Russian navies?	1
	Nigel Farage opens OnlyFans account. Nigel Farage has become the latest Brexiteer to turn to a subscription service to make ends meet.	1
	Self-employed plumber asks to quickly change his last tax return as he made a slight mistake in what he said he earns. A plumber from Bolton has today called on the government urgently reveal measures to help the self-employed, and also asked if he can quickly change his last couple of tax returns as he made a slight mistake in the amount he said he earned.	1
	Undiagnosed Covid-19 sufferer not all that bothered which company makes the ventilator he’ll be needing next week. As rows erupt on social media over which companies get to make the ventilators required by the NHS, those who might be needing them shortly couldn’t give less of a shit.	1
	Bottle of hand sanitiser strangely comfortable advertising the fact it ‘never works perfectly’. A bottle of hand sanitiser that claims to only kill up to 99.99% of germs is for some reason happy to advertise the fact that it never works perfectly.	0
	Man who spent entire Brexit period saying economic forecasts are ‘just guesses’ now wants to let old people die because of economic forecasts. A man who spent the entirety of the four-year Brexit debate insisting that economic forecasts can’t be trusted because they’re basically just guesses, is now willing to let the nation’s old and infirm die because of an economic forecast.	1
	Con-artists, grifters and hustlers demand coronavirus relief package. The National Federation of Con-artists, grifters and hustlers have demanded the Government act immediately to provide a relief package for their members during the coronavirus crisis.	1
	More companies keen to replace pay rise and benefits with round of applause. Following the example of the Government replacing pay rises and benefits for health workers with a regular round of applause, the practice looks likely to be rolled out across the private sector.	1
	Everything now Gin and Tonic flavoured. Literally everything is gin and tonic flavoured, it has been revealed.	0
	Fuel companies thinking of cutting the price of petrol by 1p after oil price halves. Turmoil in the international markets overnight has left the price of oil half what is was two months ago – resulting in leading fuel companies thinking about knocking a penny of the price of petrol.	1
	Somali pirates hijack tanker laden with two million barrels of sanitiser gel. Somali pirates have attacked a tanker carrying two million barrels of the most valuable cargo in the world today, hand sanitiser.	1
	Shock as internal documents reveal Pontins thinks it’s in a position to be picky. The nation was stunned as a leaked memo showed that the holiday camp company Pontins, affectionately known as the Prison Where You Pay, forgot it was a moribund company with the same life span as its senescent clients and could somehow afford to discriminate.	1
	Wetherspoons reveals their only ‘passport’ requirement will be a crisp £10 note when pubs reopen. Wetherspoons has revealed today that so-called vaccine passport requirements to enter their establishments will be limited to a nice crisp £10 note and a toothless grin when pubs finally reopen next week.	1
	Tories polling at over 95% in key ‘too posh for John Lewis’ demographic. The latest polling shows that the Tory party has an insurmountable lead amongst the sort of people who think that shopping in John Lewis is basically like living on benefits.	1
	OnlyFans CEO only person on Earth to believe married men who say they subscribe for the cultural content. Although OnlyFans’ decision to ban sexually explicit content surprised many people who thought it was its core business model, the company explained that, when asked in front of spouses or partners, most subscribers said they enjoyed the live music and cooking demos.	1
	Audi and BMW in desperate battle to release most arrogant self-driving vehicle. Audi and BMW have entered a fierce battle it has emerged, over who can release the most arrogant and obnoxious self-driving vehicle.	1
	Priti Patel begins process of deporting alien seen on John Lewis advert. The Home Secretary is fuming this morning after learning of an immigrant who has arrived in the country by spaceship.	1
	John Lewis alien takes Covid back to home planet after single day in UK. The alien from the latest John Lewis advert barely made it 24 hours in Britain before catching the coronavirus which is being allowed to run rampant across the country.	1
	HGV driver shortage sees Coca-Cola replace Christmas lorries with Christmas bicycles. Coca-cola has been hit by the HGV driver shortage, leaving their festive, articulated lorries stranded at the distribution centre.	0
	Companies to allow employees to quietly have individual Christmas parties at their desks. Many large companies are cancelling their office Christmas parties this year, and instead are asking employees to quietly have their own individual Christmas parties alone at their own desks.	1
	Matt Hancock’s pandemic memoir to be called ‘Blood on my hands… semen on hers’. Former Health Secretary Matt Hancock is writing a book about how his incompetence killed thousands of people while he was busy shagging in his office.	1
	Queue outside Pandora now visible from space. The queue outside Pandora jewellers is now visible from space, it has been revealed today.	0
	New bill proposes anyone doing lachrymose piano covers of classic pop songs in adverts will face death penalty. A new bill is set to be introduced in Parliament that will see anyone who produces a lachrymose piano cover version of a classic pop song for use in an advert to face the death penalty.	1
	Man boycotting Coca-Cola demands large Fanta with his McDonald’s meal deal. A man who is boycotting Coca-Cola for refusing to withdraw its products from Russia has demanded a large Fanta with his Big Mac meal deal at McDonald’s.	1
	Estate agents condemn Boris Johnson for giving liars a bad name. The nation’s most accomplished fibbers have criticised the Prime Minister for being too fast and loose with the truth.Sun JournalistShower Temperature ControlWeather App	1

‘You have nothing to fear from a no-deal Brexit’ insist nation’s millionaires and billionaires. Britain’s millionaires and billionaires have very kindly taken time out of their busy schedules to reassure peasants throughout the country that there is nothing to fear from Britain leaving the EU without a deal.

1

Andrex signs exclusive deal to publish absorbent version of David Cameron’s memoirs. Well-known toilet paper manufacturer and Labrador puppy model agency, Andrex, is to publish a unique serialisation of David Cameron’s memoirs, it has emerged.

1

Drowning children must pass British Citizenship test before being rescued, confirms Daily Mail. After publishing a controversial article on Mail Online yesterday which has led to some RNLI supporters cancelling their donations, the Daily Mail has today been forced to clarify their position on the RNLI’s overseas work.

1

Bank of Mum and Dad to seek government bailout after paying for summer holidays and new school uniforms. Britains biggest lender, the Bank of Mum and Dad, is understood to be under ‘severe pressure’ after funding both summer holidays and new school uniforms in the last few weeks.

1

Denmark counteroffers by offering to buy Puerto Rico. Denmark has responded to Donald Trump’s offer to buy Greenland with a suggestion they buy Puerto Rico instead, as ‘he’s not taking very good care of it’.

1

Europeans keen to boycott Brazilian products as soon as they can think of any. As international outrage escalates over the destruction by fire of huge swathes of the Amazon, a growing number of people on social media have taken to asking for a boycott of Brazilian products, and also if someone could identify these that would be lovely.

1

‘Free Delivery over £75’ is not a f*cking special offer, online shops told. The world has united in disdain for online companies sending emails with ‘Special offer inside!’, only to find it contains a ‘free delivery when you spend over £75’ voucher inside.

1

Britons finding excuses to hang round in the supermarket freezer aisle. People are finding any excuse to linger in the supermarket freezer aisle for up to several hours at a time, according to reports today.

0

Jeremy Corbyn responds to renewed threat of no-deal Brexit with marathon jam-making session. Jeremy Corbyn has responded to Boris Johnson’s threat to take Britain out of the EU without a deal with a commitment to finish making three dozen jars of strawberry jam by this weekend.

1

Chris Grayling accidentally burns down local McDonald’s six minutes into new job. Chris Grayling’s new job is off to a typically disastrous start.

1

Security services hugely grateful to everyone for uploading their biometric data to FaceApp. The nation’s security services have thanked users of FaceApp for voluntarily uploading facial biometric data to a device on the Internet so they can file it away for use as they please.

1

Iron Bank of Braavos in line for huge government bailout after lending all its money to the Lannisters. The Iron Bank of Braavos is in line for a huge bailout after executives engaged in ‘highly risky speculation’ in the fortunes of House Lannister, it has emerged.

1

Yorkshire celebrating Easter two days late now that chocolate eggs are half price. Yorkshire is to celebrate Easter two days late to take advantage of 50% off deals on chocolate eggs.

1

Twitter adds vital new ‘report spoiler’ function ahead of Avengers: Endgame release. Twitter is to increase support for its users by adding what it describes as ‘vital’ new functionality ahead of the release of Avengers: Endgame.

0

World Championship Snooker to launch replica kits. The Snooker World Championship will aim to emulate the cynical money-making of the Champions League with the introduction of multiple replica kits.

1

McDonald’s releases new Tommy Robinson McThuggets with free milkshake. McDonald’s are making hay after one of their milkshakes was thrown over Tommy Robinson.

1

Winterfell Starbucks introduces Giants Milk Latte. Giant’s Milk Chai Latte is the latest addition to the range at Winterfell Starbucks, to help keep you warm through the endless winter.

1

Disney unveils latest addition to ‘Disney Princesses’ as 20th Century Fox takeover is completed. The takeover of 20th Century Fox by Disney will allow girls to be the Queen they always wanted to be, insiders have confirmed.

1

Industry panic at realisation Theresa May will soon be looking for a real job. The initial delight and relief across industry that Theresa May would be quitting as Prime Minister has been replaced by concern and worry as the realisation hits home that she will soon be looking for a job.

1

Philip Green lookalike seen ‘licking lips’ at Debenhams’ pension scheme. Reports have been made that a man who looked a lot like ‘entrepreneur’ ‘Sir’ Philip Green has been allegedly licking his lips whilst staring at the Debenhams pension scheme.

1

Britain warned of Um Bongo shortages in event of hard Brexit. Essential supplies of Apricot, Guava and Mango are likely to be disrupted in the event of border controls leading to ‘drastic and immediate shortages’ of Um Bongo, Britain has been warned.

1

Yorkshire on high alert after man spotted buying Quinoa in Doncaster. People in Yorkshire are warned to be on the lookout after a man was spotted buying Quinoa in Doncaster yesterday.

1

Criminalisation of upskirting means Daily Mail unable to print any more photos of female celebrities. New upskirting laws mean the Daily Mail may no longer be allowed to print carefully-angled paparazzi photographs of B-list female celebrities getting out of their car, lawyers have warned.

1

Businesses panic at prospect of Chris Grayling in private sector role. UK CEOs were reported to be ‘extremely concerned’ at the prospect of Chris Grayling leaving government and joining their companies in an advisory role.

1

Jacob Rees-Mogg asks his LBC listeners which race of boy makes the best chimney sweep. Jacob Rees-Mogg has a new radio show on LBC, and will be discussing with his audience the important issues of the day.

1

Lenny Henry sought in connection with digger attack on Travelodge. Premier Inn poster boy and funny man Lenny Henry has been named as a suspect following an incident yesterday in which a digger was driven into a Liverpool Travelodge.

1

Man who didn’t understand the Customs Union moves neatly on to not understanding the WTO. A man who had no clue whatsoever how the EU’s Customs Union worked also has no idea how the WTO works either, he has revealed to friends on Facebook today.

1

Coronavirus panic-buying in Doncaster leads to shops selling out of Stella Artois and family-sized bags of Quavers. Shops in Doncaster and surrounding areas have been ‘completely stripped’ of essentials including 28-can slabs of Stella and family-sized bags of crisps as nervous shoppers stockpile, according to reports.

1

Majority of people still not saving enough pornography for retirement. There is a growing concern that the majority of people are still not saving enough pornography to see them through retirement.

1

Missing man located buried under collapsed pile of his own stockpiled toilet paper. A three-day missing person hunt has been called off after local man Simon Williams was discovered buried under a collapsed heap of toilet paper in his home.

1

Social media influencers shocked to find out they are not considered ‘key workers’. Astoundingly vain people who have somehow managed to monetise their soulless narcissism were astounded that they were excluded from the list of jobs that a society needs to keep functioning.

1

Middle-aged man urgently reassures his 78 followers that his Twitter account was not hacked. Derek Williams, an opinionated retiree who likes to comment on Brexit and bad cyclists, has spent hours telling his followers that he had been spared the Twitter hack that took over the accounts of people like Barack Obama and Elon Musk to scam thousands of dollars.

1

M&S employees promised ‘not just any redundancy’. With the news that a number of Marks and Spencer shops are to be closed, senior management at the struggling retailerhave assured staff that their redundancy will be something special.

1

Scotch Egg declared ‘substantial meal’ following large cash donation to Tory party from mysterious Scotch Egg oligarch. The government has declared that a ‘scotch egg’ will count as a substantial meal during Tier 2 and 3 lockdowns, following a sizeable donation to the Tory party by a mysterious Scotch Egg oligarch.

1

High Street footfall finally increases as administrators pile into every store. Footfall across the UK’s high streets has massively increased as hundreds of thousands of administrators flood into stores country-wide.

1

Here we go again, say jubilant toilet roll manufacturers. Britain’s toilet paper manufacturers have already put in their orders for a new car after new lockdowns were announced.

1

New Creme Egg advert slammed for promoting the ‘abnormal’ behaviour of sharing chocolate. An advert for Cadbury’s Creme Eggs is facing criticism from all quarters for promoting the idea that anyone would want to ever share their chocolate.

1

Pfizer announces new 20% more expensive ‘Pink Vaccine’ for women. The UK has bought 20 million doses of Pfizer’s slightly more expensive new ‘For Her’ vaccine, created especially for women.

1

Idiot shop owners to identify themselves with ‘Magna Carta Article 61’ posters in their windows. The nation’s moron shop owners have announced plans to identify themselves to the public at large by putting a sign in the window to clearly demonstrate their lack of intelligence.

1

Guinness recalls cans of non-alcoholic stout because, what’s the point?. Guinness is recalling all cans of its non-alcoholic stout today because there is absolutely no point in drinking it.

1

Brexit Party demands Vimto Christmas lorry tours Britain. The Brexit Party has demanded that Britain bans the Coca-Cola Christmas lorry in favour of a far more British Vimto Christmas lorry.

1

The only respectable way to muzzle the press is to have journalists beaten up, insists Boris Johnson. The Prime Minister has condemned activist group Extinction Rebellion for trying to stop the work of British journalists with peaceful sit-ins instead of the traditional methods of grabbing mobile phones, hiding in fridges and assaulting reporters in their homes.

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‘We’ll let you off, but this is the 308th and last time’ banks told. Banks and financial institutions which filtered money from criminal activity and ponzi schemes are to be given their 308th slap on the wrist.

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Facebook threatens Europe with fair elections decided by well-informed voters. As a warning shot to the EU, over a proposed ban on Facebook selling data of EU citizens to US companies, the social media giant has warned it might very well deprive Europeans of paranoid conspiracy theories, misspelled racist rants and electoral manipulation.

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Employees encouraged to cram back into offices so Starbucks can carry on avoiding tax. Britain’s workers are being encouraged to go back to their offices so that overpriced coffee granule-wetter Starbucks can carry on generating profits upon which they subsequently avoid tax.

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Right-wing comedians suddenly big fans of positive discrimination. After news that the BBC is considering broadcasting less ‘left-wing’ comedy, right-wing comedians have suddenly agreed that positive discrimination is a very good thing indeed.

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Donald Trump continues pledge to rid America of Barack Obama’s influence by taking US economy back to pre-Obama levels. As the United States recorded it’s worst quarterly economic performance since the Second World War, Donald Trump has hailed his administration for getting the economy back to a place that looks like Barack Obama’s eight years in charge never even happened.

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Man about to be made redundant breathes huge sigh of relief, as half price cheeky Nando’s announced for August. A man just days away from being made redundant has breathed an enormous sigh of relief today after learning he can now go out for a half-price meal that he can’t afford, on a Tuesday night in August.

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Dads nationwide to squeeze every last drop out of Rishi Sunak’s meal deal. Everybody’s dad has got the calculator out in anticipation of getting a cracking deal at a restaurant.

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Government confirms there is no need to wear a mask in shops as long as you’re carrying a pint. The government has announced new rules that will require you to wear a face mask in all shops from the 24th July, unless you are carrying a pint and decide to treat the place like a pub.

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How to monetise your blog by making it a blog about how to monetise a blog. The best way to successfully monetise your blog is to change the topic of the blog to ‘how to monetise your blog.’

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Amazon reports critically low stocks of any old shit. Online tat merchant Amazon has reported that its stocks of any old shit have reached critically low levels.

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Risk-loving adrenaline junkies excited by prospect of cinema pick ‘n’ mix. People who get a kick out of risking their lives can’t wait for cinemas to reopen so they can fill their boots at the self-service sweet counter.

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Man breaks personal best by only logging in to amend his online supermarket order 92 times. An incredibly organised man broken his personal after logging back in to change his online grocery shop on a mere ninety-two occasions.

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Gary Lineker’s small band of mercenaries sneak Walkers’ crisps out of Leicester. Gary Lineker is determined that the world should not live without Walkers’ crisps.

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Elon Musk wakes from three-day bender hoping he didn’t say anything stupid. Elon Musk has finally come down from being high as a kite for the last three days and expressed a hope he didn’t say anything he might regret whilst off his tits.

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Boris Johnson announces phased return to work for saucy strumpets, game fillies and hot totty. Benny Hill cosplayer and occasional prime minister, Boris Johnson, has explained his vision for a progressive end to the lockdown which would begin with bringing back some eye candy for gents whose current shag is being tetchy, and eventually moving to a full return of delightful young things who know a thing or two about discretion.

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Social distancing forces Debenhams to limit number of in-store shoppers to three times the normal numbers. Due to social distancing guidelines, Debenhams has advised that they intend to limit the number of shoppers allowed in store to just three times the number would normally get on any given day.

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Elon Musk chooses worst possible moment to come out as a Flat-Earther. Entrepreneur and apparently needy, attention-seeking billionaire Elon Musk took to Twitter to announce his belief the Earth was flat last night, literally twenty minutes after launching a spaceship off it.

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Primark can’t do discounts as that would mean giving money to you. Primark will not be having a sale because "are you mental?" according to reports this morning.

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Man told fifteen lies in less than a minute as car salesmen return to work. A man has today been told fifteen complete lies in less than one minute as car showrooms finally open up again across the UK.

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Corporate Twitter account offers heartfelt copy and paste of Marvin Gaye quote in support of #BlackLivesMatter. A corporate Twitter account has demonstrated its support of the #BlackLivesMatter movement with a heartfelt copy and paste of a Marvin Gaye quote from .

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Humans to be allowed out of temporary lockdown to see animals in permanent lockdown. Zoo animals across the UK have expressed delight that humans will be able to come and see them locked in their cages, admitting that the last few months must have ‘been awful for them’.

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Mike Ashley sends Newcastle United players to pick fruit on farm in Surrey. The owner of Newcastle United has temporarily transferred his entire squad to a fruit farm in Surrey to generate some much-needed income during the lockdown.

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Domestos launches new ‘Patriot Smoothie’ for Trump supporters. Well-known bleach manufacturer Domestos has this morning explained that it has no intention of looking a gift horse in the mouth and will be launching bleach smoothies for Donald Trump supporters later today.

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‘I don’t need Wetherspoons to reopen’ says man with a barrel of warm piss in his shed. After Wetherspoons declared its intention to reopen some of its pubs in June, die-hard patrons of its establishments have, within days, even minutes, of lockdown, recreated the ambience in their dank lifeless sheds, ensuring no need for the pubs to open again.

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Unsolicited email fails to begin by asking how you and your family are doing at this difficult time. An email from a potential supplier has this morning failed to begin with the now customary concern for the well being of yourself and your family during the lockdown.

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Salesman claims to have hit 122% of sales target after putting 40,000 proposals in the post. IT salesman Simon Williams is today claiming to have blown his sales target out of the water after spending the last day of the month posting proposals to every lead he could find.

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Man working from home still slightly late every single day. A man who’s been working from a desk in the corner of his bedroom for the last two months is on the verge of getting sacked for consistent tardiness.

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Woman disappointed to be recalled from furlough just as she discovers her favourite breakfast wine. A Basingstoke woman has expressed her disappointment at being recalled from furlough just as she has discovered her favourite breakfast wine.

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Tiger King sequel to feature London family who share their house with a bear. Producers of the hit Netflix series ‘Tiger King’ are understood to have already moved ahead with production of a sequel about a London family who keep a bear in their house.

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Waitrose customers relieved as hummus stock levels return to normal. As panic-buying finally begins to ease off, Waitrose customers are once again able to buy essential items such as hummus and organic kale crisps.

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White House launches Trump-branded coronavirus medicine. Declaring himself ‘unhappy’ with the speed medical professionals are reaching a cure for the Covid-19 virus, President Trump used his address to the nation to announce the launch of his own, Trump-branded drugs to treat the disease today.

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University of Life announces all courses to be online Facebook memes and weird YouTube channels from September. Students at the University of Life will be able to get all the education they need from Facebook memes and obscure YouTube channels from September, it has announced.

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Donald Trump adds Lord Voldemort as an adviser to help restart US economy. President Trump has followed the appointment of Vince McMahon as a presidential advisor on restarting the economy, by giving a similar role Lord Voldemort himself.

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Opinion: Now is the perfect time to convert your oil tanker into a secret supervillain lair. As oil prices head to unprecedented lows – in some cases so low producers are literally paying you to take the stuff away – many shipping owners will be wondering: is it time to convert my tanker into a secret supervillain lair and prey on the US and Russian navies?

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Nigel Farage opens OnlyFans account. Nigel Farage has become the latest Brexiteer to turn to a subscription service to make ends meet.

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Self-employed plumber asks to quickly change his last tax return as he made a slight mistake in what he said he earns. A plumber from Bolton has today called on the government urgently reveal measures to help the self-employed, and also asked if he can quickly change his last couple of tax returns as he made a slight mistake in the amount he said he earned.

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Undiagnosed Covid-19 sufferer not all that bothered which company makes the ventilator he’ll be needing next week. As rows erupt on social media over which companies get to make the ventilators required by the NHS, those who might be needing them shortly couldn’t give less of a shit.

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Bottle of hand sanitiser strangely comfortable advertising the fact it ‘never works perfectly’. A bottle of hand sanitiser that claims to only kill up to 99.99% of germs is for some reason happy to advertise the fact that it never works perfectly.

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Man who spent entire Brexit period saying economic forecasts are ‘just guesses’ now wants to let old people die because of economic forecasts. A man who spent the entirety of the four-year Brexit debate insisting that economic forecasts can’t be trusted because they’re basically just guesses, is now willing to let the nation’s old and infirm die because of an economic forecast.

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Con-artists, grifters and hustlers demand coronavirus relief package. The National Federation of Con-artists, grifters and hustlers have demanded the Government act immediately to provide a relief package for their members during the coronavirus crisis.

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More companies keen to replace pay rise and benefits with round of applause. Following the example of the Government replacing pay rises and benefits for health workers with a regular round of applause, the practice looks likely to be rolled out across the private sector.

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Everything now Gin and Tonic flavoured. Literally everything is gin and tonic flavoured, it has been revealed.

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Fuel companies thinking of cutting the price of petrol by 1p after oil price halves. Turmoil in the international markets overnight has left the price of oil half what is was two months ago – resulting in leading fuel companies thinking about knocking a penny of the price of petrol.

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Somali pirates hijack tanker laden with two million barrels of sanitiser gel. Somali pirates have attacked a tanker carrying two million barrels of the most valuable cargo in the world today, hand sanitiser.

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Shock as internal documents reveal Pontins thinks it’s in a position to be picky. The nation was stunned as a leaked memo showed that the holiday camp company Pontins, affectionately known as the Prison Where You Pay, forgot it was a moribund company with the same life span as its senescent clients and could somehow afford to discriminate.

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Wetherspoons reveals their only ‘passport’ requirement will be a crisp £10 note when pubs reopen. Wetherspoons has revealed today that so-called vaccine passport requirements to enter their establishments will be limited to a nice crisp £10 note and a toothless grin when pubs finally reopen next week.

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Tories polling at over 95% in key ‘too posh for John Lewis’ demographic. The latest polling shows that the Tory party has an insurmountable lead amongst the sort of people who think that shopping in John Lewis is basically like living on benefits.

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OnlyFans CEO only person on Earth to believe married men who say they subscribe for the cultural content. Although OnlyFans’ decision to ban sexually explicit content surprised many people who thought it was its core business model, the company explained that, when asked in front of spouses or partners, most subscribers said they enjoyed the live music and cooking demos.

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Audi and BMW in desperate battle to release most arrogant self-driving vehicle. Audi and BMW have entered a fierce battle it has emerged, over who can release the most arrogant and obnoxious self-driving vehicle.

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Priti Patel begins process of deporting alien seen on John Lewis advert. The Home Secretary is fuming this morning after learning of an immigrant who has arrived in the country by spaceship.

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John Lewis alien takes Covid back to home planet after single day in UK. The alien from the latest John Lewis advert barely made it 24 hours in Britain before catching the coronavirus which is being allowed to run rampant across the country.

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HGV driver shortage sees Coca-Cola replace Christmas lorries with Christmas bicycles. Coca-cola has been hit by the HGV driver shortage, leaving their festive, articulated lorries stranded at the distribution centre.

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Companies to allow employees to quietly have individual Christmas parties at their desks. Many large companies are cancelling their office Christmas parties this year, and instead are asking employees to quietly have their own individual Christmas parties alone at their own desks.

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Matt Hancock’s pandemic memoir to be called ‘Blood on my hands… semen on hers’. Former Health Secretary Matt Hancock is writing a book about how his incompetence killed thousands of people while he was busy shagging in his office.

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Queue outside Pandora now visible from space. The queue outside Pandora jewellers is now visible from space, it has been revealed today.

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New bill proposes anyone doing lachrymose piano covers of classic pop songs in adverts will face death penalty. A new bill is set to be introduced in Parliament that will see anyone who produces a lachrymose piano cover version of a classic pop song for use in an advert to face the death penalty.

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Man boycotting Coca-Cola demands large Fanta with his McDonald’s meal deal. A man who is boycotting Coca-Cola for refusing to withdraw its products from Russia has demanded a large Fanta with his Big Mac meal deal at McDonald’s.

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Estate agents condemn Boris Johnson for giving liars a bad name. The nation’s most accomplished fibbers have criticised the Prime Minister for being too fast and loose with the truth.Sun JournalistShower Temperature ControlWeather App

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