coderchen01/DocMSU · Datasets at Hugging Face

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	It’s only cheap if you were going to buy it anyway, Black Friday shoppers told. People shopping for "amazing deals" this weekend have been reminded that they are not, in fact, beating the system.	1
	Brexit could end British workers’ right to take a prolonged shit at work, claim unions. Several trade unions have sounded the alarm over a botched Brexit that could see Britons lose the sacrosanct right to take an overlong dump while on the clock.	1
	Tim Cook unveils reasons why your current iPhone is already a piece of shit. Apple CEO Tim Cook has unveiled a series of reasons why your existing iPhone is now disappointingly obsolete, and why you should immediately spend £1,000 on the new iPhone Xs.	1
	iPhone XS to include revolutionary arsehole recognition technology. The new iPhone XS will recognise the unique arsehole signature of its users and automatically log them in, according to details released today.	1
	Buying expensive trainers somehow means you should also support your friends’ stupid business ideas. You’ve bought some nice clothes from a shop, so you should definitely buy some hideous, over-priced clothing designed by one of your friends, according to Facebook this morning.	1
	Negotiating Brexit to be the final task on this year’s Apprentice. One group of clueless idiots will replace another when the negotiation of Britain’s EU divorce settlement is handed over to the finalists of this season’s Apprentice.	1
	Amazon to stop hobbling and branding staff. Amazon chief has announced that the company will be ceasing the controversial practice of hobbling and branding all employees.	1
	IT department announces split due to ‘artistic differences’. The IT department at Hadley and Kemp Insurance Ltd has announced that it will be splitting up.	1
	‘We don’t activate your room keycards on purpose’ admit mischievous hotel staff. Hotel front desk personnel have admitted that they find it absolutely fucking hilarious when you have to trek all the way back from your room because your key card isn’t working.	1
	Boss doesn’t seem to understand that work is futile and meaningless. A man’s line manager insists on taking work very seriously and displays a total lack of appreciation of how pointless and without consequence it all is.	1
	We’d donate money for a new Brexit vote too but we’re only on 28p per hour, say Superdry factory workers. Superdry employees in India have expressed regret that they can’t match their co-founders one million pound donation towards a new Brexit vote, blaming an unfortunate lack of personal spare cash lying around.	1
	End of school holidays sees ‘working from home’ become pleasant again. The ability to respond to a few emails while watching TV is once again an available option for home workers who have been surrounded by screaming children for the last six weeks.	1
	Nike placates protesters with their new line of ‘Air Trumps’. Nike has released a line of footwear to address mass protests against their sponsorship of NFL quarterback Colin Kaepernick.	1
	House of Fraser to start selling massive mugs. Following the acquisition of the House of Fraser brand and all of its stores by Mike Ashley, shoppers can expect a range of new and exciting products from the department store at a reduced price.	0
	Man finally feels comfortable telling girlfriend about his Warhammer army. A wargamer has finally ‘come out’ to his partner after years of living in the closet about his collection.	1
	Man astonished to discover some crisps in a packet of Walkers. A man who opened a standard-sized bag of Walkers was ‘astonished’ to discover there were actually some fucking crisps in it for once.	1
	Vigils held and concerts planned to protest Martin Shkreli guilty verdict. All over the world, people have put a single lit candle in their window or joined silent marches in solidarity with the man affectionately dubbed "Pharma Bro".	1
	Martin Shkreli made bookies’ favourite to be new White House Communications Director. Fresh from being found guilty of multiple counts of fraud, Martin Shkreliis rumoured to have been offered the job as Donald Trump’s new Director of Communications.	1
	Lloyds of London record epic diss track in response to Kanye West lawsuit. Lloyds of London have responded to a lawsuit issued by Kanye West in the time-honoured tradition of the venerable financial institution; by throwing down fierce rhymes over epic beats in what is thought to be the most devastating diss track to come out of the London Square Mile in years.	1
	New electric Mini actually a giant Scalextric car. BMW is releasing a car that you will drive by squeezing a trigger and hoping for the best.	1
	Loathsome EU bastards insist on giving British holidaymakers even more protection. Meddling eurocrats are seeking to ensure British consumers are protected when they book package holidays in the latest display of their frightening power.	1
	Updated Sunday Times rich-list is ‘mostly ice-cream men’. Britain’s ice cream men are suddenly absolutely minted.	1
	Sunday Times claims it never suspected hiring holocaust denier might lead to antisemitic articles. The Sunday Times has sacked columnist Kevin Myers after insisting it was a complete shock to learn that hiring a holocaust denier could lead to the publication of antisemitic articles.	1
	Marketing arseholes mulling over what body part they will make women feel crap about in 2019. July is the traditional time of year when the creative minds in advertising departments decide what perfectly normal physical attribute of a woman’s body they will claim is a horrific blemish needing expensive alteration.	1
	Facebook share price tumbles after it decides to show fewer NewsThump stories to users. The Facebook share price plunged 20% yesterday after it was revealed that the social networks new algorithm has meant fewer stories being shown to the followers of the NewsThump facebook page.	1
	If High Streets disappear where will I go to look at things before buying them cheaper online, ask consumers. As House of Fraser becomes the latest high street chain to fall on hard times, consumers have expressed concern about where they will go to get their hands on products they can later buy cheaper online.	1
	You could try masturbating to keep warm this winter, advises Ofgem. Ofgem has suggested that those concerned about fuel bills this winter should try masturbating to keep warm.	1
	French Champagne producers announce thousands of job losses in wake of Wetherspoons plan to buy British. Wine producers in the Champagne region of France have announced massive layoff this morning, after learning that Wetherspoons will no longer by buying their product, in favour of British sparkling wine.	1
	Everyone allowed to go to work in their pants this week. Employers all over the UK are letting staff come to work in their underwear during this week’s heatwave.	1
	Cabinet crisis as PM hesitantly frowns at Boris Johnson over ‘f*ck business’ remark. Westminster observers have been speculating that the Foreign Secretary’s gaffes have finally caught up with him after his insulting comments alienated the whole entire community and prompted an unprecedented display of mild irritation from Theresa May.	1
	Man successfully unsubscribes from a decade’s worth of shit emails by doing f*ck all. A man has successfully unsubscribed from a colossal volume of shit emails by simply sitting on his arse and ignoring the begging emails as they came in.	1
	Thunder Gods battling in the sky forced us to cancel flights, claim Stansted airport. Supernatural forces making loud noises and giant streaks of light have forced the management of Stansted airport to cancel all flights and cower under the kitchen table clutching bundles of burning sages and magic stones.	0
	Hipster Benedictine monk to launch Craft Buckfast. A bearded hipster monk based in Devon at Buckfast Abbey, may have upset generations of fortified winemaking colleagues with his new cool drink aimed at the discerning palate of sociopaths.	1
	Nigerian Princes and horny Russian women to be hardest hit by new email opt-in laws. The introduction of GDPR opt-in laws for email risk wealthy Nigerians and lovelorn Russian women being unable to contact potential benefactors, reports have warned.	1
	IT department brings in new streamlined process for denying requests. An IT department has brought in a series of revolutionary, streamlined processes that, it claims, will be able to deny user requests in record time.	1
	Lidl to introduce seating for customers queuing at tills. Lidl will be installing a line of seats at each checkout till to improve their customers’ shopping experience, it has been announced.	1
	Politicians confident that snarky questions will reform banking industry. In a victory for the common man, Paul Pester, CEO of Lloyds TSB, has been forced to interrupt his annual yacht-buying spree and be asked emotive rhetorical questions about the catastrophic IT failure that beset his customers.	1
	Man who lied to impress wealthy client definitely NOT lying to impress Parliamentary Committee. Cambridge Analytica’s Alexander Nix has told a committee of MPs the exact truth today, it has emerged.	1
	Marvel to release "Where’s Hawkeye?" Infinity War spinoff book. Comics fans will be invited to try and find the archer superhero amongst the literally hundreds of characters who appear in the film.	1
	New model Tesla to run on burning money. Tesla is to ‘cut out the middleman’ by launching a car powered by stuffing money into the tank and setting light to it.	1
	New diversity employment laws mean companies now required to employ goths. Every company with more than 20 employees must hire a Goth by 2021 under new diversity legislation.	1
	Asda to charge you in advance for a whole year’s shopping when you buy a Kit-Kat. Asda has confirmed that they are currently putting a scheme in place that will take £2,000 from any debit card transaction, in order to ensure that customers can pay for their shopping until Christmas.	1
	New law designed to stop you receiving unwanted email generating terabytes of unwanted email. The new General Data Protection Regulation laws designed to stop everyone receiving unwanted email have resulted in the generation of billions of terabytes of unwanted email as every company ever is emailing you to tell you about it.	1
	Ocado adds ‘stockpile’ to its quantity options. Ocado, online saviours to the lazy middle-classes, has announced that it will be adding ‘stockpile’ to its website’s quantity options.	1
	Victoria’s Secret launches economy range entitled "Rutting Essentials". Victoria’s Secret has launched a range of underwear without the pretence.	1
	"Wenger Out" sign manufacturers facing mass redundancies. The ‘Wenger Out’ sign manufacturing industry is facing collapse today due to Arsene Wenger being finally out.	1
	Daily Express wanks itself dry as Princess Diana’s grandson is born on Saint George’s Day. The Daily Express has spuffed all over the place.	1
	Landlord ruins pub by making it family friendly. A local boozer has ruined everything by welcoming children.	1
	TSB to replace cash machines with fruit machines. Ailing bank TSB has decided to replace all their hole-in-the-walls with fruit machines in a bid to liven up the banking industry still further, after their groundbreaking introduction of a data protection-deficient randomly-accessible new banking system.	1
	Social media is bad for you, insists Wetherspoons pub serving pints for breakfast. Pub chain JD Wetherspoons has deleted it’s social media accounts insisting that some users cannot control the compulsion to use them, seemingly unaware that they sell and promotealcohol.	1
	Office worker insists that his PC is heavy machinery after taking spoonful of cough medicine. An office worker who took a spoonful of cough medicine during his lunch-hour last Friday continues to insist that his PC is ‘heavy machinery.’	1
	Brexiter who lauded post-Brexit prospects for international trade furious to see it in action with De La Rue. Brexiters who proudly announced that Brexit would see more international trade outside of our shores have been left furious after they were shown precisely how that works with the contract to produce their new blue passports.	1
	Range Rover launch new 4×4 for people whose local Waitrose is halfway up a mountain. People struggling to reach ‘inaccessible’ branches of Waitrose are to be helped by the launch of a new, more powerful 4×4.	0
	Man goes from "Great! More Star Wars!" to "F*cksake, more Star Wars" in two years flat. The Walt Disney corporation has taken Star Wars fan Simon Williams from giddily enthusiastic to depressingly resigned in a little over two years, we can report.	1
	Pfizer confirms preferential Viagra deal for NRA members will continue. In the wake of a number of American firms severing all commercial ties with the NRA, every company involved with the production of erectile dysfunction drugs has today affirmed their strong links with the right-wing gun lobby.	1
	Office workers spend more time congratulating themselves for making it to the office than doing any work. Widespread gloating and sarcasm have been reported across the UK from workers who have managed to make it into work.	1
	Invention of burger-flipping robot threatens social sciences graduates with unemployment. Social Sciences graduates face mass unemployment after a robot which can flip burgers was unveiled yesterday.	1
	How much does Cambridge Analytica know about you? Take this test to find out!. With news emerging that political manipulation firm Cambridge Analytica may have surreptitiously accessed the details of millions of Facebook users, it’s time to know if YOUR details have been used inside their algorithms.	1
	I gave away passport production rights in the Brexit negotiations, admits David Davis. The right to produce our own passports was given up by David Davis while negotiating the Brexit transition deal, according to reports this morning.	1
	Shock as Rupert Murdoch announces Sun newspaper to be made in France. In a move that has infuriated many brexiteers, the iconic newspaper and Leave championing paper will soon be written, edited and printed in Rouen by French printing giant Prexpo, in an effort to cut costs due to a moribund post-Brexit economy.	1
	‘Live With A Racist’: struggling right-wing party launches AirBNP. In a bid to try to curtail failing membership, the British National Party have launched an innovative house-sharing initiative.	1
	McDonald’s Monopoly formally recognised as a religion. A new religion has been recognised in the form of McDonald’s Monopoly.	1
	Man who has never paid for an album in his life outraged by price of tickets to live shows. A man who has free-streamed every single piece of music he’s ever listened to simply cannot understand why artists charge so much for live shows, it has emerged.	0
	Man offered job as Amazon delivery driver after not showing up to the interview. A man who never turned up for an interview to be an Amazon delivery driver has been told he’s the perfect candidate and given the job.	1
	Boris Johnson applies for Irish passport. The Irish embassy in London has confirmed reports that it has received a passport application from the British Prime Minister today.	1
	Lib Dem campaigners buying sandals and chunky socks in anticipation of snap election. Campaigners for the Liberal Democrats have been bulk-buying hard-wearing sandals and chunky walking socks for all the legwork they’ll be doing in the next few weeks.	1
	Facebook becomes FACEBOOK to more closely align with its shoutiest online communities. Facebook has rebranded as FACEBOOK to ensure those communities that insist on posting in all-caps feel much more at home on the platform.	0
	Jo Swinson sends her CV off to Facebook. Following an uninspiring election campaign and dismal poll showings, it is understood that Liberal Democrat leader Jo Swinson has already sent her CV off to Facebook to see if they’ve got any jobs.	1
	Britain to get the best deal from Donald Trump by pretending to be a porn star he’s never met. Britain’s best method for getting a generous settlement from Donald Trump is by pretending to be a porn star he’s never met, according to government documents leaked today.	1
	Man, 35, considering career change; doesn’t consult grandmother. Simon Williams, 35, of London, has decided to move to a new house and look for a different job, amidst cries of horror that he didn’t first consult with his grandmother, father, stepmother, aunts and uncles.	1
	Woman would find giving up work for Lent far easier than coffee or chocolate. Local woman Simone Williams is wondering if she can give up going to work for forty days rather than the usual caffeine or chocolate this morning.	1
	Enterprising young vicar offers to ring parish church bells for Brexit for the bargain price of fifty-grand. Following the confirmed failure of the fundraiser to ring Big Ben for Brexit for £500,000, an Anglican priest has offered to use the bells of his church to mark the event for the low, low price of fifty thousand pounds.	1
	‘Got Brexit Done’ tea towels also perfect for mopping up those Remoaner tears, confirms government. A tea towel released to celebrate the Brexit victory on Friday will be perfect for whingeing remoaners to use to mop up their tears, the Conservatives have today confirmed.	0
	Think tank calls for ban on ‘office chat’ about economics and trade for being ‘exclusionary to Brexiters’. Workplace banter about the gritty reality of life outside a major trading bloc should be curtailed on the basis that it’s exclusionary, according to a management body.	1
	‘We’re nationalising Northern Rail’, explains government that spent last month insisting nationalisation was ‘Marxist nonsense’. The government has announced it is nationalising Northern Rail, just a few weeks after telling the nation that nationalisation was nothing more than socialist nonsense proposed by a ‘magic grandpa’.	1
	Rampant consumerism celebrates 54th consecutive Super Bowl victory. Marketing professionals are celebrating yet another a magnificent victory in yesterday’s Super Bowl LIV, after securing unprecedented levels of coverage for their range of tawdry products.	1
	Banks explain that new overdraft rate is 40% because ‘f*ck you, that’s why’. A new overdraft interest rate, to be applied whether your overdraft is arranged, or not, has been set at 40% because ‘fuck you that’s why’, according to High Street banks across the country.	1
	Shropshire sweet shop begins negotiations for lucrative trade deal with China. A sweet shop has opened negotiations with the Chinese government to put in place a lucrative post-Brexit trade agreement.	0
	Jennifer Arcuri reveals she paid for Boris Johnson’s holiday. American businesswoman Jennifer Arcuri has stepped in to help out her former lover Boris Johnson, whose explanation of his Mustique holiday funding was found out to be false, by explaining she dropped fifteen-grand as a way to thank him for awakening her womanhood.	1
	Games Workshop report record profits after man buys entire Thousand Sons army, plus paints. Games Workshop shares hit a record high this morning after the store reported a profit of £58m – driven by local man Simon Williams buying a full set of Thousand Sons and the paints to go with them.	1
	People who don’t watch the Queen’s speech should be hung, drawn and quartered, insists Daily Mail. The Daily Mail has today called for the re-introduction of the death penalty after it emerged that not everyone tunes in to watch a pre-recorded broadcast from Her Majesty on Christmas Day.	1
	Single man displaying Christmas cards from his utility providers. A single male from Bracknell has received more adverts disguised as Christmas card than actual Christmas cards but is nonetheless happy to display them around his home.	0
	Toffifee mysteriously appears on supermarket shelves again. This year, as every year, there was mystery surrounding the recent arrival of Toffifee to supermarket shelves in the run-up towards Christmas.	1
	Mark Gatiss writes himself into new Dracula adaptation as Dracula’s smarter, better looking brother. A new adaptation of Dracula written by Mark Gatiss will feature an entirely new character who is just like Dracula except smarter and better-looking and coincidentally played by Mark Gatiss, it has been confirmed.	1
	Sajid Javid woos Leave voters by promising he will be as pig-ignorant of economic reality as they are. In a bid to hobble the Brexit Party ahead of a General Election, Chancellor of the Exchequer Sajid Javid has publicly declared that he has no intention of assessing any possible impact of his policies as he fully embraced the Brexiter credo of refusing facts and relying on mystical national virtues.	1
	Latest Brexit 50p coin to be left blank so people can write the date in themselves. The Royal Mint is to save itself further trouble by issuing a new Brexit 50p coin with the date left blank so people can write it in for themselves, it has emerged.	1
	Drug addict just makes things worse by stealing Warhammer player’s bag. A man who thought crack was the most addictive thing he’d ever have the misfortune to encounter has just stolen a Warhammer player’s bag, we can report.	1
	Office worker reveals hatred of colleagues by changing email sign off from ‘Kind Regards’ to ‘Regards’. An office worker has today made his feelings of utter contempt and hatred of his co-workers publicly known, after changing his email signature.	1
	Socialist Party of Catan demands nationalisation of wood and sheep industries. The People’s Democratic Socialist Party of the country of Catan has demanded the vital industries of wood and sheep be nationalised to end the inefficient trading arrangement which currently exists.	1
	Prisons stretched to breaking point after 30,000 journalists join Tommy Robinson inside for committing ‘Journalism’. Prisons across the country have reported being stretched to breaking point after 30,000 journalists were imprisoned for the crime of journalism.	1
	Woking Pizza Express swift to publicly deny Prince Andrew was ever at any of their parties. The Woking branch of Pizza Express has been swift to refute accusations that Prince Andrew was or has ever been at any of their parties.	1
	LinkedIn looking to attract corporate bastards as well as corporate shitheads. LinkedIn is looking to broaden its demographic with a determined drive to attract corporate bastards to complement its already huge user base of corporate shitheads.	1
	Coleen Rooney accuses Rebekah Vardy of leaking stories to NewsThump. Colleen Rooney has dramatically accused fellow WAG Rebekah Vardy of leaking private and personal stories to popular news site NewsThump in a dramatic twitter post this morning.	1
	Warning that thousands could starve to death on rail network after food ban. Commuters who spend up to two weeks stuck on delayed trains waiting for them to arrive at their destination may starve to death after a snacking ban was mooted.	1
	Patriotic Brexiters lay on fleet of private jets to rescue our brave Thomas Cook lads. Spunky Brexiters, led by Singapore-based Sir James Dyson, have dug deep to rescue our brave Thomas Cook lads and, in some cases, lasses from strange, foreign lands.	1
	Man successfully distracts from his moral bankruptcy and ineptitude by being horribly offensive. Boris Johnson, a Benny Hill cosplayer and politician from London, has discovered how he could easily move the news cycle away from his political incompetence and possibly illegal practices by simply spouting highly offensive statements about a murdered MP.	1
	Budweiser announce plans to launch beer with alcohol in it. Multinational brewer Anheuser-Busch has broken with long-held policy and announced plans to launch a beer which has some alcohol in it, according to reports today.	1
	Britain sucking up to Donald Trump finally pays off as Scotch Whisky gets its very own US tariff. Donald Trump built trust in his promise, that he would deliver a great deal to a post-Brexit Britain, after Scottish Single Malts were selected to be made even more exclusive in America, thanks to a 25% import tariff, whereas French Cognac and Irish Whiskey were completely left out of this special treatment.	1
	If we really wanted to crash the economy we’d be backing Jeremy Corbyn for PM, insist Hedge Funds.. Britain’s Hedge Funds, which have been accused of wanting to profit from a Brexit market crash in recent weeks, have pointed out that if they really wanted to make the stock market shit the bed they’d be backing Jeremy Corbyn.	1
	British Airways wins environmental award for record reduction in flights. Environmentalists have applauded British Airways for doing more to reduce carbon emissions than any other company.	1

It’s only cheap if you were going to buy it anyway, Black Friday shoppers told. People shopping for "amazing deals" this weekend have been reminded that they are not, in fact, beating the system.

1

Brexit could end British workers’ right to take a prolonged shit at work, claim unions. Several trade unions have sounded the alarm over a botched Brexit that could see Britons lose the sacrosanct right to take an overlong dump while on the clock.

1

Tim Cook unveils reasons why your current iPhone is already a piece of shit. Apple CEO Tim Cook has unveiled a series of reasons why your existing iPhone is now disappointingly obsolete, and why you should immediately spend £1,000 on the new iPhone Xs.

1

iPhone XS to include revolutionary arsehole recognition technology. The new iPhone XS will recognise the unique arsehole signature of its users and automatically log them in, according to details released today.

1

Buying expensive trainers somehow means you should also support your friends’ stupid business ideas. You’ve bought some nice clothes from a shop, so you should definitely buy some hideous, over-priced clothing designed by one of your friends, according to Facebook this morning.

1

Negotiating Brexit to be the final task on this year’s Apprentice. One group of clueless idiots will replace another when the negotiation of Britain’s EU divorce settlement is handed over to the finalists of this season’s Apprentice.

1

Amazon to stop hobbling and branding staff. Amazon chief has announced that the company will be ceasing the controversial practice of hobbling and branding all employees.

1

IT department announces split due to ‘artistic differences’. The IT department at Hadley and Kemp Insurance Ltd has announced that it will be splitting up.

1

‘We don’t activate your room keycards on purpose’ admit mischievous hotel staff. Hotel front desk personnel have admitted that they find it absolutely fucking hilarious when you have to trek all the way back from your room because your key card isn’t working.

1

Boss doesn’t seem to understand that work is futile and meaningless. A man’s line manager insists on taking work very seriously and displays a total lack of appreciation of how pointless and without consequence it all is.

1

We’d donate money for a new Brexit vote too but we’re only on 28p per hour, say Superdry factory workers. Superdry employees in India have expressed regret that they can’t match their co-founders one million pound donation towards a new Brexit vote, blaming an unfortunate lack of personal spare cash lying around.

1

End of school holidays sees ‘working from home’ become pleasant again. The ability to respond to a few emails while watching TV is once again an available option for home workers who have been surrounded by screaming children for the last six weeks.

1

Nike placates protesters with their new line of ‘Air Trumps’. Nike has released a line of footwear to address mass protests against their sponsorship of NFL quarterback Colin Kaepernick.

1

House of Fraser to start selling massive mugs. Following the acquisition of the House of Fraser brand and all of its stores by Mike Ashley, shoppers can expect a range of new and exciting products from the department store at a reduced price.

0

Man finally feels comfortable telling girlfriend about his Warhammer army. A wargamer has finally ‘come out’ to his partner after years of living in the closet about his collection.

1

Man astonished to discover some crisps in a packet of Walkers. A man who opened a standard-sized bag of Walkers was ‘astonished’ to discover there were actually some fucking crisps in it for once.

1

Vigils held and concerts planned to protest Martin Shkreli guilty verdict. All over the world, people have put a single lit candle in their window or joined silent marches in solidarity with the man affectionately dubbed "Pharma Bro".

1

Martin Shkreli made bookies’ favourite to be new White House Communications Director. Fresh from being found guilty of multiple counts of fraud, Martin Shkreliis rumoured to have been offered the job as Donald Trump’s new Director of Communications.

1

Lloyds of London record epic diss track in response to Kanye West lawsuit. Lloyds of London have responded to a lawsuit issued by Kanye West in the time-honoured tradition of the venerable financial institution; by throwing down fierce rhymes over epic beats in what is thought to be the most devastating diss track to come out of the London Square Mile in years.

1

New electric Mini actually a giant Scalextric car. BMW is releasing a car that you will drive by squeezing a trigger and hoping for the best.

1

Loathsome EU bastards insist on giving British holidaymakers even more protection. Meddling eurocrats are seeking to ensure British consumers are protected when they book package holidays in the latest display of their frightening power.

1

Updated Sunday Times rich-list is ‘mostly ice-cream men’. Britain’s ice cream men are suddenly absolutely minted.

1

Sunday Times claims it never suspected hiring holocaust denier might lead to antisemitic articles. The Sunday Times has sacked columnist Kevin Myers after insisting it was a complete shock to learn that hiring a holocaust denier could lead to the publication of antisemitic articles.

1

Marketing arseholes mulling over what body part they will make women feel crap about in 2019. July is the traditional time of year when the creative minds in advertising departments decide what perfectly normal physical attribute of a woman’s body they will claim is a horrific blemish needing expensive alteration.

1

Facebook share price tumbles after it decides to show fewer NewsThump stories to users. The Facebook share price plunged 20% yesterday after it was revealed that the social networks new algorithm has meant fewer stories being shown to the followers of the NewsThump facebook page.

1

If High Streets disappear where will I go to look at things before buying them cheaper online, ask consumers. As House of Fraser becomes the latest high street chain to fall on hard times, consumers have expressed concern about where they will go to get their hands on products they can later buy cheaper online.

1

You could try masturbating to keep warm this winter, advises Ofgem. Ofgem has suggested that those concerned about fuel bills this winter should try masturbating to keep warm.

1

French Champagne producers announce thousands of job losses in wake of Wetherspoons plan to buy British. Wine producers in the Champagne region of France have announced massive layoff this morning, after learning that Wetherspoons will no longer by buying their product, in favour of British sparkling wine.

1

Everyone allowed to go to work in their pants this week. Employers all over the UK are letting staff come to work in their underwear during this week’s heatwave.

1

Cabinet crisis as PM hesitantly frowns at Boris Johnson over ‘f*ck business’ remark. Westminster observers have been speculating that the Foreign Secretary’s gaffes have finally caught up with him after his insulting comments alienated the whole entire community and prompted an unprecedented display of mild irritation from Theresa May.

1

Man successfully unsubscribes from a decade’s worth of shit emails by doing f*ck all. A man has successfully unsubscribed from a colossal volume of shit emails by simply sitting on his arse and ignoring the begging emails as they came in.

1

Thunder Gods battling in the sky forced us to cancel flights, claim Stansted airport. Supernatural forces making loud noises and giant streaks of light have forced the management of Stansted airport to cancel all flights and cower under the kitchen table clutching bundles of burning sages and magic stones.

0

Hipster Benedictine monk to launch Craft Buckfast. A bearded hipster monk based in Devon at Buckfast Abbey, may have upset generations of fortified winemaking colleagues with his new cool drink aimed at the discerning palate of sociopaths.

1

Nigerian Princes and horny Russian women to be hardest hit by new email opt-in laws. The introduction of GDPR opt-in laws for email risk wealthy Nigerians and lovelorn Russian women being unable to contact potential benefactors, reports have warned.

1

IT department brings in new streamlined process for denying requests. An IT department has brought in a series of revolutionary, streamlined processes that, it claims, will be able to deny user requests in record time.

1

Lidl to introduce seating for customers queuing at tills. Lidl will be installing a line of seats at each checkout till to improve their customers’ shopping experience, it has been announced.

1

Politicians confident that snarky questions will reform banking industry. In a victory for the common man, Paul Pester, CEO of Lloyds TSB, has been forced to interrupt his annual yacht-buying spree and be asked emotive rhetorical questions about the catastrophic IT failure that beset his customers.

1

Man who lied to impress wealthy client definitely NOT lying to impress Parliamentary Committee. Cambridge Analytica’s Alexander Nix has told a committee of MPs the exact truth today, it has emerged.

1

Marvel to release "Where’s Hawkeye?" Infinity War spinoff book. Comics fans will be invited to try and find the archer superhero amongst the literally hundreds of characters who appear in the film.

1

New model Tesla to run on burning money. Tesla is to ‘cut out the middleman’ by launching a car powered by stuffing money into the tank and setting light to it.

1

New diversity employment laws mean companies now required to employ goths. Every company with more than 20 employees must hire a Goth by 2021 under new diversity legislation.

1

Asda to charge you in advance for a whole year’s shopping when you buy a Kit-Kat. Asda has confirmed that they are currently putting a scheme in place that will take £2,000 from any debit card transaction, in order to ensure that customers can pay for their shopping until Christmas.

1

New law designed to stop you receiving unwanted email generating terabytes of unwanted email. The new General Data Protection Regulation laws designed to stop everyone receiving unwanted email have resulted in the generation of billions of terabytes of unwanted email as every company ever is emailing you to tell you about it.

1

Ocado adds ‘stockpile’ to its quantity options. Ocado, online saviours to the lazy middle-classes, has announced that it will be adding ‘stockpile’ to its website’s quantity options.

1

Victoria’s Secret launches economy range entitled "Rutting Essentials". Victoria’s Secret has launched a range of underwear without the pretence.

1

"Wenger Out" sign manufacturers facing mass redundancies. The ‘Wenger Out’ sign manufacturing industry is facing collapse today due to Arsene Wenger being finally out.

1

Daily Express wanks itself dry as Princess Diana’s grandson is born on Saint George’s Day. The Daily Express has spuffed all over the place.

1

Landlord ruins pub by making it family friendly. A local boozer has ruined everything by welcoming children.

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TSB to replace cash machines with fruit machines. Ailing bank TSB has decided to replace all their hole-in-the-walls with fruit machines in a bid to liven up the banking industry still further, after their groundbreaking introduction of a data protection-deficient randomly-accessible new banking system.

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Social media is bad for you, insists Wetherspoons pub serving pints for breakfast. Pub chain JD Wetherspoons has deleted it’s social media accounts insisting that some users cannot control the compulsion to use them, seemingly unaware that they sell and promotealcohol.

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Office worker insists that his PC is heavy machinery after taking spoonful of cough medicine. An office worker who took a spoonful of cough medicine during his lunch-hour last Friday continues to insist that his PC is ‘heavy machinery.’

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Brexiter who lauded post-Brexit prospects for international trade furious to see it in action with De La Rue. Brexiters who proudly announced that Brexit would see more international trade outside of our shores have been left furious after they were shown precisely how that works with the contract to produce their new blue passports.

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Range Rover launch new 4×4 for people whose local Waitrose is halfway up a mountain. People struggling to reach ‘inaccessible’ branches of Waitrose are to be helped by the launch of a new, more powerful 4×4.

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Man goes from "Great! More Star Wars!" to "F*cksake, more Star Wars" in two years flat. The Walt Disney corporation has taken Star Wars fan Simon Williams from giddily enthusiastic to depressingly resigned in a little over two years, we can report.

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Pfizer confirms preferential Viagra deal for NRA members will continue. In the wake of a number of American firms severing all commercial ties with the NRA, every company involved with the production of erectile dysfunction drugs has today affirmed their strong links with the right-wing gun lobby.

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Office workers spend more time congratulating themselves for making it to the office than doing any work. Widespread gloating and sarcasm have been reported across the UK from workers who have managed to make it into work.

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Invention of burger-flipping robot threatens social sciences graduates with unemployment. Social Sciences graduates face mass unemployment after a robot which can flip burgers was unveiled yesterday.

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How much does Cambridge Analytica know about you? Take this test to find out!. With news emerging that political manipulation firm Cambridge Analytica may have surreptitiously accessed the details of millions of Facebook users, it’s time to know if YOUR details have been used inside their algorithms.

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I gave away passport production rights in the Brexit negotiations, admits David Davis. The right to produce our own passports was given up by David Davis while negotiating the Brexit transition deal, according to reports this morning.

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Shock as Rupert Murdoch announces Sun newspaper to be made in France. In a move that has infuriated many brexiteers, the iconic newspaper and Leave championing paper will soon be written, edited and printed in Rouen by French printing giant Prexpo, in an effort to cut costs due to a moribund post-Brexit economy.

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‘Live With A Racist’: struggling right-wing party launches AirBNP. In a bid to try to curtail failing membership, the British National Party have launched an innovative house-sharing initiative.

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McDonald’s Monopoly formally recognised as a religion. A new religion has been recognised in the form of McDonald’s Monopoly.

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Man who has never paid for an album in his life outraged by price of tickets to live shows. A man who has free-streamed every single piece of music he’s ever listened to simply cannot understand why artists charge so much for live shows, it has emerged.

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Man offered job as Amazon delivery driver after not showing up to the interview. A man who never turned up for an interview to be an Amazon delivery driver has been told he’s the perfect candidate and given the job.

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Boris Johnson applies for Irish passport. The Irish embassy in London has confirmed reports that it has received a passport application from the British Prime Minister today.

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Lib Dem campaigners buying sandals and chunky socks in anticipation of snap election. Campaigners for the Liberal Democrats have been bulk-buying hard-wearing sandals and chunky walking socks for all the legwork they’ll be doing in the next few weeks.

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Facebook becomes FACEBOOK to more closely align with its shoutiest online communities. Facebook has rebranded as FACEBOOK to ensure those communities that insist on posting in all-caps feel much more at home on the platform.

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Jo Swinson sends her CV off to Facebook. Following an uninspiring election campaign and dismal poll showings, it is understood that Liberal Democrat leader Jo Swinson has already sent her CV off to Facebook to see if they’ve got any jobs.

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Britain to get the best deal from Donald Trump by pretending to be a porn star he’s never met. Britain’s best method for getting a generous settlement from Donald Trump is by pretending to be a porn star he’s never met, according to government documents leaked today.

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Man, 35, considering career change; doesn’t consult grandmother. Simon Williams, 35, of London, has decided to move to a new house and look for a different job, amidst cries of horror that he didn’t first consult with his grandmother, father, stepmother, aunts and uncles.

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Woman would find giving up work for Lent far easier than coffee or chocolate. Local woman Simone Williams is wondering if she can give up going to work for forty days rather than the usual caffeine or chocolate this morning.

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Enterprising young vicar offers to ring parish church bells for Brexit for the bargain price of fifty-grand. Following the confirmed failure of the fundraiser to ring Big Ben for Brexit for £500,000, an Anglican priest has offered to use the bells of his church to mark the event for the low, low price of fifty thousand pounds.

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‘Got Brexit Done’ tea towels also perfect for mopping up those Remoaner tears, confirms government. A tea towel released to celebrate the Brexit victory on Friday will be perfect for whingeing remoaners to use to mop up their tears, the Conservatives have today confirmed.

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Think tank calls for ban on ‘office chat’ about economics and trade for being ‘exclusionary to Brexiters’. Workplace banter about the gritty reality of life outside a major trading bloc should be curtailed on the basis that it’s exclusionary, according to a management body.

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‘We’re nationalising Northern Rail’, explains government that spent last month insisting nationalisation was ‘Marxist nonsense’. The government has announced it is nationalising Northern Rail, just a few weeks after telling the nation that nationalisation was nothing more than socialist nonsense proposed by a ‘magic grandpa’.

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Rampant consumerism celebrates 54th consecutive Super Bowl victory. Marketing professionals are celebrating yet another a magnificent victory in yesterday’s Super Bowl LIV, after securing unprecedented levels of coverage for their range of tawdry products.

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Banks explain that new overdraft rate is 40% because ‘f*ck you, that’s why’. A new overdraft interest rate, to be applied whether your overdraft is arranged, or not, has been set at 40% because ‘fuck you that’s why’, according to High Street banks across the country.

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Shropshire sweet shop begins negotiations for lucrative trade deal with China. A sweet shop has opened negotiations with the Chinese government to put in place a lucrative post-Brexit trade agreement.

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Jennifer Arcuri reveals she paid for Boris Johnson’s holiday. American businesswoman Jennifer Arcuri has stepped in to help out her former lover Boris Johnson, whose explanation of his Mustique holiday funding was found out to be false, by explaining she dropped fifteen-grand as a way to thank him for awakening her womanhood.

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Games Workshop report record profits after man buys entire Thousand Sons army, plus paints. Games Workshop shares hit a record high this morning after the store reported a profit of £58m – driven by local man Simon Williams buying a full set of Thousand Sons and the paints to go with them.

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People who don’t watch the Queen’s speech should be hung, drawn and quartered, insists Daily Mail. The Daily Mail has today called for the re-introduction of the death penalty after it emerged that not everyone tunes in to watch a pre-recorded broadcast from Her Majesty on Christmas Day.

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Single man displaying Christmas cards from his utility providers. A single male from Bracknell has received more adverts disguised as Christmas card than actual Christmas cards but is nonetheless happy to display them around his home.

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Toffifee mysteriously appears on supermarket shelves again. This year, as every year, there was mystery surrounding the recent arrival of Toffifee to supermarket shelves in the run-up towards Christmas.

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Mark Gatiss writes himself into new Dracula adaptation as Dracula’s smarter, better looking brother. A new adaptation of Dracula written by Mark Gatiss will feature an entirely new character who is just like Dracula except smarter and better-looking and coincidentally played by Mark Gatiss, it has been confirmed.

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Sajid Javid woos Leave voters by promising he will be as pig-ignorant of economic reality as they are. In a bid to hobble the Brexit Party ahead of a General Election, Chancellor of the Exchequer Sajid Javid has publicly declared that he has no intention of assessing any possible impact of his policies as he fully embraced the Brexiter credo of refusing facts and relying on mystical national virtues.

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Latest Brexit 50p coin to be left blank so people can write the date in themselves. The Royal Mint is to save itself further trouble by issuing a new Brexit 50p coin with the date left blank so people can write it in for themselves, it has emerged.

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Drug addict just makes things worse by stealing Warhammer player’s bag. A man who thought crack was the most addictive thing he’d ever have the misfortune to encounter has just stolen a Warhammer player’s bag, we can report.

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Office worker reveals hatred of colleagues by changing email sign off from ‘Kind Regards’ to ‘Regards’. An office worker has today made his feelings of utter contempt and hatred of his co-workers publicly known, after changing his email signature.

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Socialist Party of Catan demands nationalisation of wood and sheep industries. The People’s Democratic Socialist Party of the country of Catan has demanded the vital industries of wood and sheep be nationalised to end the inefficient trading arrangement which currently exists.

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Prisons stretched to breaking point after 30,000 journalists join Tommy Robinson inside for committing ‘Journalism’. Prisons across the country have reported being stretched to breaking point after 30,000 journalists were imprisoned for the crime of journalism.

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Woking Pizza Express swift to publicly deny Prince Andrew was ever at any of their parties. The Woking branch of Pizza Express has been swift to refute accusations that Prince Andrew was or has ever been at any of their parties.

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LinkedIn looking to attract corporate bastards as well as corporate shitheads. LinkedIn is looking to broaden its demographic with a determined drive to attract corporate bastards to complement its already huge user base of corporate shitheads.

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Coleen Rooney accuses Rebekah Vardy of leaking stories to NewsThump. Colleen Rooney has dramatically accused fellow WAG Rebekah Vardy of leaking private and personal stories to popular news site NewsThump in a dramatic twitter post this morning.

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Warning that thousands could starve to death on rail network after food ban. Commuters who spend up to two weeks stuck on delayed trains waiting for them to arrive at their destination may starve to death after a snacking ban was mooted.

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Patriotic Brexiters lay on fleet of private jets to rescue our brave Thomas Cook lads. Spunky Brexiters, led by Singapore-based Sir James Dyson, have dug deep to rescue our brave Thomas Cook lads and, in some cases, lasses from strange, foreign lands.

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Man successfully distracts from his moral bankruptcy and ineptitude by being horribly offensive. Boris Johnson, a Benny Hill cosplayer and politician from London, has discovered how he could easily move the news cycle away from his political incompetence and possibly illegal practices by simply spouting highly offensive statements about a murdered MP.

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Budweiser announce plans to launch beer with alcohol in it. Multinational brewer Anheuser-Busch has broken with long-held policy and announced plans to launch a beer which has some alcohol in it, according to reports today.

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Britain sucking up to Donald Trump finally pays off as Scotch Whisky gets its very own US tariff. Donald Trump built trust in his promise, that he would deliver a great deal to a post-Brexit Britain, after Scottish Single Malts were selected to be made even more exclusive in America, thanks to a 25% import tariff, whereas French Cognac and Irish Whiskey were completely left out of this special treatment.

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If we really wanted to crash the economy we’d be backing Jeremy Corbyn for PM, insist Hedge Funds.. Britain’s Hedge Funds, which have been accused of wanting to profit from a Brexit market crash in recent weeks, have pointed out that if they really wanted to make the stock market shit the bed they’d be backing Jeremy Corbyn.

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British Airways wins environmental award for record reduction in flights. Environmentalists have applauded British Airways for doing more to reduce carbon emissions than any other company.

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