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bear deer beer | r/verypunny | comment | r/verypunny | 2017-03-07 | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblFYMXhoa0EzXzVFR2FTU2J1emtvQXZWMnpFYmZYMEQ1NzBCUDBmQnVyNFNxeEpuXzc4MzZITk1SS0ZMandGc1hoTWNPZ1hCa2JpWnBzR0tGdl9tMllMb3c9PQ== | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblNFa1Rrbng1VzFSVW5FVGZwQnJiMG9Talp5bkFhT2JxdkZBM3BVOGJoLXhUa2VqcE9ta25EQ1NhOFBveEVTMFlEV1VmM1pXNGI1c05oWmp2dGVyR3hUMWxPdm9NcEdQY0RhTjgwTEEwVk5CLXRnWnBCaXBGMmZOdnNvWlpWWTR4RDVXSWtMMW42TExPUkJCbGdjR25TZHdlOGgtUndzU0pFVXh3Wkw5ajV3amVJPQ== |
Shortly after their honeymoon, my parents were having dinner with my grandparents, uncle, and great aunt. My dad was very loved by his new in-laws, particularly because he could play right along with their witty banter. Everyone sat down to eat and my mother noticed she hadn't been given a knife. My dad gave her a reassuring pat on the arm and said, "It's okay dear. We just don't trust you with sharp objects." My great aunt, without missing a beat replied, "Yeah. That's why we let her marry you."
This happened nearly 20 years ago and they still tell this story at every family dinner. And I love it every time. | r/staircasewit | post | r/staircasewit | 2017-03-08 | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblFYclhQVXBxU1ZINWJyOTlTaHVaLWhXdHR2LVhOWmd6dkZRd2NtYXBoc3JWd01KZ3V6Q1Y2aFJoel92a2lzZ05qSEdDRFFlQmxXcHVHeGZoVWFDSDNKWkE9PQ== | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblNFektLWExMeEN3cEVxeDFWcTVwV1FpTmU0c0lHVzVBcFA4OF92ZmNhNlpRZG0xSEVCdnpGX2tWZUJTSzNSWTJQNjB2Wno5VFRobUM4S0JtYk96NFByTWViRmtQQTYzOTRPazI5R2JnS216VUU2M3oxYjZmYmpwektqMTJ2eHh5by1rS3ZpMWo3aEJ1V2tiOEFmeGtadWtjcjdLbXQ4S3gyQjlENS12SmxBX1B6a215S3VhTWJPdEk2WUJ3NlluVXM5UXBURlk0OU5idnFpaS01TXVTblQ3Zz09 |
The term "deep state" gets used on this subreddit more and more, just as it is appearing more and more in common parlance as people become aware of its existence and impact on life in modern America. For those who want background on what is meant by the term "deep state" the following essay is good starting point.
http://billmoyers.com/2014/02/21/anatomy-of-the-deep-state/ | r/descentintotyranny | post | r/DescentIntoTyranny | 2017-03-08 | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblFYenpVSkRYNXhoZzNhbkVrNWx6TU91ZG1adVBnU2RuQjdSSWNVbldhYUNPWVFPVFlyZXJLMXdNMVAwS0pCQzBiTWs1MTdQSi1OZTNOWFdNci1TcFdSQUE9PQ== | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblNFSUx2cnZjSF85MW5Ta05PWXBWZDFNeUtuNzBiRjBOdWFGUHM4dGN2cFJ2V3g3Q3F5M1NidTNZQ0wyYzVqcDdkVUNxM1lhMzYzd292WFRocHpnM1pGS2FlR3JWYUhWUlNMdmw4WU16dzVnS2JaYVhYX1VMRndFWWlwQmlOQXNRTzFrUk9GVloxVWo0bEZXbm1zc3NGZlk4bTI0cjlHZnR0RFNXeERBamVJMWVIMy1hQWdKRzZTOHppSEZHX2VENWlR |
First, I give them a 30-day warning to either fucking unban me or else they die. I also say that I'll find out where they live & work, and will hire hitmen to track them down & snuff them out unless they unban me within 30 days.
I also promise not to intend to hit relatives or co-workers, but they could die as a result of "collateral damage" (if a home blows up with their family in it, for example.)
Then I get a private investigator who specializes in IT-work & hacking/cracking to find out their real-world details.
As soon as they supply the real-world details, I share them with my marks, which usually scares them stiff into unbanning me. Unfortunately, not all.
Some play hardball so fucking hard that they just laugh & tell me they'll send this threat to police, but they don't know that I use a VPN that borrows IP addresses from random parts of the globe.
Sure, they'll get a police guard sometimes, but my hitmen are also ex-covert-ops veterans. They can stay undetected by police & still hit their mark & slip away before anyone notices.
I'd then come back to the forum / board / website / subreddit / etc. under a new username & pick up right the fuck where I left off.
Sometimes other mods may notice that I'm the same person and ban me too. Then I give them the same usual threat, with the added remark of, "I sent a hitman to off (USERNAME OF ADMIN/MOD) for banning me the first time, after warning him that he'd better fucking unban me if he wants to live, but just dismissed that as an idle troll-threat."
Then some would get the message & be like, "Okay, you're back on the site/forum/board/subreddit/etc., just let me live, 'kay?"
Others would be incredulous & unbelieving, even despite evidence of the first targets being killed by failing to log back on again.
Basically, I'm not a timid user to be fucked around with. If an admin / mod fucks with me on the internet, I fuck with them in real life.
Oh, and this only applies to permabans. Temp bans I'll normally let slide, unless it's unreasonable like over a year or something that long. Now you'd better AMA me, fuckers! | r/internetama | post | r/InternetAMA | 2017-03-12 | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblFYUWpCTmZzUHFUOU9hSTFCbDVsN0lJWTMxNklMZnNrLVVFd3ZoLVk0WXQ4clB6UzVOQ0YtUWZoRm54aXNlNzdkbVNNMG1SQ3dydC16aG9QTnVKUkhqam9fQ0gtc3MxbEw4cUE0MVRiMG9qZEU9 | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblNFcU1jOTJnMFZ4N0pUZVpBNGFKTWxwWW5XZTZsV3BQZ3hBSEpSNjd2UkdXWF8wVk44bGk3aEJja1FDQkthRmVxaC13TTU3VUtMdnpCRl9BYlBFdWhJc2pvcWdaRi1FZTZGLTFzaUVKWXFGeERPa3hCTVpkYTZMZ0tlRUN0NlRzMjJlNlhlbXU2NmNFbjhrTTJ4RE1CM0Fabm9hZWc1aHl4Zml3TEJmMmg0VGZuQWJfaUlzdkJDZzV4UHdQUmlSUDNyN2IzOFBVeGVVT1BZU3FZNi1DZjZ4dz09 |
"Deddit," the intern spits out, out of breath as he blasts into my office. "Deddit."
"Deddit!?"
"There's a place called 'Deddit' and it's like Reddit but for the dead."
"Huh. Interesting."
"And then someone still living accesses it by accident."
"Oh. Well, that's kind of specific, are you sure we can't –"
"And you are a mod and supposed to help them."
I scratch my head. "Fuck. That's a thinker."
"Yes. But it came straight from above. Board of directors. Big league. They expect a reply in no less than two hours."
"Fuck, man…" I tap my pen over my little name tag on the table, where, in classy Windsor font engraved against
wood, the words 'Writing Prompt Content Supervisor' shines in polished silver. "What do you think? How do we write this one?"
"I don't know. I'd start with a funny redditor stereotype."
"Good idea." I turn to the computer and I type:
*Redditor McReddit was a young boy with a patchy beard who lived in a basement apartment and --*
"Wait. What if we subvert the trope?" the intern asks. "Have the redditor be a handsome, muscular dude. Or a
cheerleader-style girl. You know? Messing with the reader's expectations."
"Junior, we're writing a meta story about a Writing Prompt company working to reply the prompt the actual story is
replying to. We don't need to pile trope-subversion on top of that. That'll just confuse people."
"Godd point. I don't know what I was thinking."
"That's why you're the intern. You fucking asshole."
"Oh, so subverting the trope is too much, but random cursing is fine? That line seemed really out of place, Alpaca."
"Just... let's go back to the story, Junior."
I type:
*One fine morning, McReddit, still sleepy from his restless dreams of videogames and Cheetos and paradisiac
places where the Mountain Dew is always cold and the girls never friendzone the nice guys, accidentally typed
'Deddit' instead of 'Reddit' in his browser. And a weird thing happened.*
"Uuh. Sounds intriguing."
"JUNIOR SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!"
"I really feel like the gratuitous abuse of the intern is not fitting in with the rest of the tone you're going for," Junior insists. "You might consider removing it. It's cluttering your sto –"
I slap him across the face. "It's too late. I'm committed to it now."
I keep typing:
*McReddit started a thread on AskDeddit explaining that he was still alive, and asking for help. The thread quickly climbed to the first spot, getting even more upvotes than the previous top-of-all-time posts, which were, respectively, a thread titled: 'Hey, Deddit, what are some things that the living do that they don't know is annoying?' followed by nineteen consecutive threads requesting stories about sexual experiences in the afterlife. A few minutes after McReddit posted his question, someone replied…*
I stop. "Replied with what?" I ask, looking up at Junior. "What could the reply be?"
"You know you have very heavy hands." Junior rubs his cheeks. "That slap hurt."
"Junior, for the love of God, focus. We have to deliver this reply in…" I check my watch. "Shit. We're almost out of time."
"Why didn't you say the actual time we have left? Why did you just say 'almost out of time'?"
I don't answer.
"You don't remember how long you gave your characters to write the reply at the start of the story, do you? And you're too lazy to go up there and check it."
"Fuck you, Junior."
"God damn it, Alpaca, it's a two word document. Just scroll up and go check it."
"You're a disgrace to this company."
"At least I don't go meta every time things get hard."
"WELL, THEN HELP ME! I'M TRYING NOT TO GO META THIS TIME!"
"Dude. You are writing about yourself talking to an intern about replying to the prompt that you're writing the reply
to, that's like the fucking definition of meta right there."
"Yes, yes, yes, but, but! That's the *actual* Alpaca going meta, not me. I am a character in this meta story, and
the story *I'm* trying to write is not meta. His is, but that's his problem. My story is *not* meta."
Not yet, motherfucker.
"Who said that? Who said -- *did the actual author say that!?* Oh, for fuck's sake, Alpaca!" I tell myself-the-writer-not-myself-the-narrator, turning towards the… fuck, I guess camera? What the fuck do I call the forth wall in a story? Anyway you get it. "Can we have ONE story where you don't pull this crap?"
Sorry, man. Back to writing your story. We gotta find an ending to McRedditor and, unfortunately, we wrote
ourselves into a corner, so meta it is.
"We didn't write ourselves into a corner, the prompt itself calls for light-hearted, joke responses," Junior says. "it's
humoristic. Deddit and all. I think we'll be fine."
See? We're fine, fictitious Alpaca.
"Fine," I say to my real self. "Just have me write the ending then, people are getting impatient."
I (the character-narrator, not the author) turn to the computer. I type:
*McRedditor checked the top upvoted reply he got on the thread: it was a comment. A very big comment. It was a story, actually. It looked like… a prompt reply.*
"AH, JESUS, MAN, SERIOUSLY!?" I (narrator) ask myself (author).
*The first line of the story read -- '"Deddit," the intern spits out, out of breath as he blasts into my office. "Deddit."'*
"GREAT. NOW MCREDDITOR IS READING THIS STORY. THE CHARACTER FROM YOUR STORY IS WRITING A STORY ABOUT A CHARACTER WHO IS READING THE ORIGINAL STORY YOU'RE WRITING WHICH IS ABOUT ME WRITING ABOUT HIM. WHERE THE FUCK DO YOU GO FROM THERE!?"
I (author) don't speak. I (narrator) don't not speak. Junior does not speak.
The door comes open.
It's McRedditor.
Because at this point really why not. | r/psycho_alpaca | post | r/psycho_alpaca | 2017-03-14 | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblFYM3pUdDFibUMxUG14WHNwc3Y0MTd2YUpFb0JNMlJfUXhhUlByZ2VzaE9VYXl2bm5ITmxTTEI2SmVPNjFhU010elNybjZYT19NekZyOHg2SENhRlZMaUE9PQ== | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblNFSXFnVlRpbUpPdlRjLVRkZHNxNmx3dlQ0WkVyQnpKcVFaZzJ3cXBkOXI5X0Y5OWR6eHlHSkFVM1JlOHpwZFk4NHlxcFpIQzBZLTI0dU1pVW1KcWRueGtpRVhWWkVwYjN3MkNDc010ckNrUEZuMlAtSHlZbmpyVGZEVk9GY2s1ZmpoaWVVaFRLRzFJWmxEU0tjZ1Y0YzBCODdBeTdCOGtacWJFRWY2OTQ3RTFheDVZZ3BIcW5md3k5MzB1dVc5elZSSTAwY3dwN1JUWHQwNkVja1JPd2x0QT09 |
Don't talk about computer crashes it increases the risc that it happens | r/verypunny | comment | r/verypunny | 2017-03-14 | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblFYRXhtSGNFWmZaWmFXbTVZWEJkZWtsWENHWk9jalRYNU1hQVg2djVKbGlxUmNseno1bk5xY3R6WXZpZkk0SFVleUlzeG9HOHlmZHIxdkdwTDNGZW1KaHc9PQ== | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblNFS0JSVDFCd1AtWFhLVGFEanJDTF9NdDJTYmdVTElpX0duUnBlV3RTVXFQVWd2cF9Ka2d1NWtoYUdFTWFSdk5jd24tXzdDTVdfMTdHa0pNMmJuMHJCVFhLSDJOYTlKYUQxQV9PYWp6TmdWN0tIRUFyNEQzNUtTSTdEUkNDNkJpS0FlQkhoR1dJQnBsWW1fNHROMURuM1lwcGNWcHhMbER3aGU2RE1vNUdOdi1NPQ== |
My name is Brandon. I'm 18, live in Arkansas, and am about to apply for college to start with a music major and a minor in art. I also roleplay, mostly comic RP as small as that niche is, but I have roleplayed in other types of RP before. I also have played D&D and LARPed a few times, but I honestly prefer the collaborative fiction so I mostly use sites that have chat logs and do it there with large groups. Other than that, ask away. | r/internetama | post | r/InternetAMA | 2017-03-15 | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblFYQWUtYmhsemR4TXFtZVY5N3VNQzltdENQU1NnWlhHZG8tNVJNSV95bGcwYWtMcS1vY01obDlvUmFYN3VYRG1kOTlkU3ZRVjEwQTM5Y2NaMUdyNkxybDUwRTZuSWtkclRONXdVV2lGczkwRW89 | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblNFamxFeDUzalRGMlhZd0dOS0t3YkY3Q2FjNllRQ0Vkc3NiYmxZNndTclhRekFyWGhLcGNzUDgxbmFuRjJvbHRvNTUzdWhBQjI3ZU9LLXRtUnpYNnZFeWkwNlRyYXdDVDUxUDA4T05Cd3o2NXkzVU0xdnhmQTdxRmd4eGEzZmVWWWJNdHVfODQwVjM2QTlpRUFWWGFEY3lDOEVaS0xIVHc1V3BnWldHa2YzWEZpZkZXR0pDTUItR2VjcVdIekd3YzY1VXh4WHZkbzF3cVl4X1NXSTFXbVNlUT09 |
I can't vouch for the seller or OP but I have a set like this and it's very nice. Much nicer than the ones that have plastic handles and a tightening nut that won't hold the bit in. | r/everymanshouldhave | comment | r/everymanshouldhave | 2017-03-15 | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblFYd2lqa3M5aDFtdlU3SVVXMy16QTBWZlpzMlA5RTRXVW1ucXdncTBTTV9WVlFSVzhQRFV4SnVqNUppNnZvdWdjZW0zWnpLbzdDSzJnYTdjeHA2VXpoMHc9PQ== | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblNFNFloMUFHUFh3MU9IWGQyQlNfbUM2YWgxNWZlUFJtRnFoYm9UbHFvWHpHbWhIYUlTWEZhb0IwOGhjRkExanFETE5peGY4Qnc0OW5tVWhsUkVaenB5ZEthN1ZlYUxycHdtbC1XaGQ5VC1BV3poV3VOUkJ2VkNIWnBIUkl6SmFyU3Q2QnFoM1BFaWdRcHduTTVFeUJkLWlpVVpoS0Vka25ZREZ4MDdaSmVHcFprSV85RGxPbHZ5azRTLVROMEpuUklr |
I bought this a few years ago. It's more expensive but it has everything you'll ever need.
https://smile.amazon.com/gp/product/B008HYVG6I/ref=oh_aui_search_detailpage?ie=UTF8&th=1 | r/everymanshouldhave | comment | r/everymanshouldhave | 2017-03-16 | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblFYOW40b3h5TmlURXR3NjIzRWxDY0JKSFFoYW10Und3QXVzNG53VkF0blVQaXJpOVhkNFVNcklQN2Q1RVZnYVozcFlXUko3Z3dOUTI0a09DRXhoMXJSbFE9PQ== | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblNFZUZnT0JFM0lmckItSW9YVGFtOGItb2VVOGN3T2RQbE1raFhfUmlXcW5FSVF0aFl0SWl6S1RuaXhyVGZPdFpYV3ZSbzZJdzBNV0Rxb2p2ODJsOWJGdmdMcGg5ZXZ3Zmx1cGJvUE56ZzhYMFNFSUgwSnpZRmg5LXJsS1FXdU9zXy1tVk1jTTZmZGU1NmxtakFGckxpZVRKTmJkT3ZGUEJnRFg5VmhKclFCalRfcGNoSzdyVUpPUDBjWU5TSVB3ZExm |
I ran. I ran. I ran past the perfectly organized line of self-driving cars like metallic ants on some way to metallic
colonies.
I ran past the wide smiles of the proud citizens in their well-proportioned bodies, the logos wide on the chests of
their shirts, groomed hairstyles, perfect skin.
I ran past the big tall buildings powered by sunlight. Through clean cool air and warm sun and the sound of
children's laughter.
I ran past the monuments fronting the gigantic universities where people go to study for free whatever they want,
taught by great masters that were themselves taught by other masters, unveiling the secrets of the universe
twenty-four seven, no worries about money, food, hunger, disease.
Misery and scarcity a thing of the past. A distant memory. A blurb in a history book.
I sniffed the tears and I kept pushing forward, feet after feet. My calves burning. My chest hurting. The sun
shining. The grass green the air clean the clouds white the smiles honest the world… perfect.
I could be a doctor just by stopping this run. All I'd have to do is turn and enter the university and say the word. I
could be a lawyer. I could be an engineer. I could just have kids and care for them and not even work.
We. Can. Do. Anything.
The minigames are over. The 'staying alive' games. The 'what if I lose my job' games. The 'struggle to make my
dreams come true' games.
I reach the doors of the church, heart pounding out of my chest. I step in.
I stop by the confessional booth and I knock. Harry comes out.
"Father," I say.
He shakes his head. "That's not my name anymore. Just Harry."
"Harry," I say. "I'm ready."
"Are you sure?"
I hesitate for a second. Then I nod. "Yes. What is there to do, after all?"
Harry presses his eyes and nods, understanding. "What, indeed."
He takes me to a narrow room and he tells me to lie down on a gurney. A statue of the Virgin Mary holding on to
dead Jesus stares back at me from the faraway wall.
Harry brings the IV pole close to my arm and rests it there. "You'll feel sleepy."
"And then?"
"And then."
I nod. He slaps on latex gloves.
"Hey, Father…?"
"Harry."
"Harry. How many people have done it, already?"
"You mean here, in this church? Or worldwide?"
"I mean worldwide."
He pauses for a moment, and I think he's considering if I really need to hear this truth just before the end. "Over a
billion," he says in the end.
"Yeah. That makes sense."
He rubs alcohol on my arm. He smiles. "Are you ready?"
Jesus and the Virgin Mary stare back at me. He looks peaceful. She does not.
"Why?" I ask. "Why this urge?"
"What do you mean?"
"Why are we all compelled to live in fantasyland? Things are perfect. Yet so many of us want to use the drug you
guys offer. Churches, instead of becoming obsolete like we first predicted, have turned into drug dealing houses.
Why?"
"What I'm injecting in you is not a drug." He pauses. "Well, it is, but there are no side effects, so you don't have to
worry about your health."
"No, but you know what I mean." I swallow dry. The needle is ready. "Why do so many of us feel the need to escape from perfection?"
Harry follows my gaze to Jesus and the Virgin Mary. "I don't know." He pauses. "But if I had to take a guess, I'd
say that old saying on idle minds is pretty relevant to our times."
"What saying?"
"An idle mind is the devil's workshop."
"What does that mean?"
He pulls my arm close. He points the needle. "It means, I think, that if there's nothing after the finish line, it makes
no sense to aspire to finish the race. Because once you do… well, where do you run off to?"
I feel a pinch, and he presses the liquid into my body.
"Society," Harry says, as I feel my whole body tingle, "has no purpose. We don't live *towards* something. We just… live."
"And yet..." I say, but I can't put my thoughts together. Everything is a haze.
'And yet our brains are wired for problem-solving. For finishing tasks. For looking towards that finish line. That's
how evolution made us. And it's a useful tool for day-to-day. Trouble is… what do you do when you find life's finish
line?" Harry smiles behind a blur. "You wait around to die." His voice wraps around an echo, his features distorted.
"Turns out that's not such a happy life after all, is it?"
"No," I say. Then I drift off.
When I wake up, it's in the drug-induced fantasy that over a billion of us have bought into already. A drug that
tickles and tricks my brain into believing I live three hundred years in the past, at a time when we didn't know the
secrets of the universe and we had to work to figure out the cure for diseases and ways to feed the hungry and
stop the wars and the suffering of this world.
At a time when there was suffering and misery and ignorance regarding the universe and we had to struggle just to stay alive…
But, fuck, at least it wasn't boring like this world.
____
*Here's a shameless plug to my [Patreon page](https://www.patreon.com/psycho_alpaca). If you like my stories, consider supporting me there -- you can do it for as little as a buck and you get exclusive stories weekly, updates on my most recent novel, plus a bunch of other fun perks and a brand new Mustang!**
**the Mustang part is not true.* | r/psycho_alpaca | post | r/psycho_alpaca | 2017-03-17 | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblFYeEZMNk1PdkRjYWlyaEhjRHBNRXJ6NVJpUDJNX3hGYzlGUmt2azRDbkpYN0dZMFdLajhBaFVxd2kxM0I5OVh0dkU5dUdOazZpNUt4NnJTQWhUQnFGY1E9PQ== | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblNFVU9LRVZ2TXdFZDhmRV9nYkhRcEZVMHFKTFdvY3VhV1h0aXlWQTNLSHF2M1hSV25rMUdVMGVaVUp0WVg1bXlMMXFhbC0tb1l3VDRuNXp4cDkzbkFNemV4eklLbEVXeXdjWWl3MGczUjhIazlnZEU2WmN1elB0ZXUxY01WZjBWQXhDLUtYQmsyTDJoVlhaVWpvcEFpRGpxdm56VFk0SkM1WmlCbEs3M2ZjT2FaVDBKS1ZicTlCaGExYjk5Rm9HVzJrS0JJRElpZkh1Szk1d1NVcEZWNWhwUT09 |
# Bothosting
**Need to run your bot 24/7? Get a cheap VPS.**
**Linux hosting:**
[Scaleway](https://www.scaleway.com/) - Incredibly cheap but powerful VPSes, owned by https://online.net, based in Europe.
[Digital ocean](https://www.digitalocean.com/) - US-based cheap VPSes. The gold standard. Locations available world wide.
[OVH](https://www.ovh.co.uk/) - Cheap VPSes, used by many people. France and Canadian locations available.
[Time4VPS](https://www.time4vps.eu/) - Cheap VPSes, seemingly based in Lithuania.
[Linked](https://www.linode.com/) - More cheap VPSes!
[Vultr](https://www.vultr.com/) - US-based, DigitalOcean-like.
**Windows hosting:**
(To be honest, you should probably just use a linux box.)
[Microsoft Azure](https://azure.microsoft.com/en-gb/) - Microsoft-owned. Not on the cheap end, however.
**Others:**
[Amazon AWS](https://aws.amazon.com/) - Amazon Web Services. Free for a year (with certain limits), but very pricey after that.
[Google Cloud](https://cloud.google.com/compute/) - AWS, but Google.
[LowEndBox](http://lowendbox.com/) - A curator for lower specced servers.
**Self-hosting:**
You can always self-host on your own hardware. A Raspberry Pi 2 B will be more than sufficient for small to medium sized bots.
For bigger bots, you can build your own server PC for usage, or buy a rack server.
Any modern hardware should work 100% fine.
**Free hosting:**
No. There is no good free VPS hoster, outside of persuading somebody to host for you, which is incredibly unlikely.
---
# Make a bot
**So you want to make your own bot?**
Making a bot sure is an ambitious idea, but can you really do it?
I will be giving a quick rundown of what to do when you make your own bot.
- Join [Discord API](https://discord.gg/discord-api).
This server can help you as you work on your bot.
- Learn a programming language.
I recommend using Python or NodeJS as they are often seen as the easiest.
- Find a discord library for your language.
Some languages have multiple libraries, it might be good to compare them before choosing.
- Study your language and chosen library.
- Try it yourself.
This is the hardest part, but also the most fun.
- Issues? Ask questions in the Discord API server, in the proper channel.
---
# MUSICBOTS GUIDE
*These are the bots I have found to have the most unique features*
*Note that this isn't a top listing, all bots here are just as much recommended*
- Rem
- Stable
- Reliable
- Nearly no lag
- Simple.
- Hatsuse Izuna
- Minimal lag.
- Crossfade
- Supports more sources than any other bot as far as I know
- Chunked queue (one person can't fill up the entire queue without other people's songs playing)
- Queue settings (in development)
- Skipping requires at least 50% of the people in the voice channel to skip, unless the requester skips.
- Kowala
- Music unstable until rewritten
- Autoplaylist feature
- Supports a lot of sources
- Music is kind of customizable
*there are more bots, some of which you might find better*
To use these bots, do the following:
- Go to discordapp.com/login and log in on the correct account
- Go to bots.discord.pw and find the bot you're looking for
- Click the ```invite``` button
- A window will pop up. Select the correct server to add it to (you need manage server) and select the permissions it will have.
- Click ```Authorize```
The bot should now be added to your server! | r/discord_bots | post | r/Discord_Bots | 2017-03-18 | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblFYTW5wNTBPMVg0ZnVBSV9GWGhsenFLYjdtMnFZVkRNLXEwWG1ZMGxqal9rajNtYW9nYjFqUlVBQUdqcmlxSTlURk1yenRUZjBtYmh0U2NvSkxxNjZ6Tmc9PQ== | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblNFM0JxeU95aTM5d3JjZ0tJTlY5aTZ4R3dxTkw4Zi01NWxDSmJMUHoxc0lmWmVCakF6eXpNNkxfcE1BSEd6QkpnSDEyN2l0MndMazVQRXJLbFY0UXlXWjNTTVl1S1ZaVThmZ0RRTnhFTDNyQVhPTkR5U1BMTHVaeFg2QXNPTEdKOTBmQnJ6ek1ZdkdEVzJqRVk4dVB2RWh3PT0= |
Dorado aka Mahi-mahi
One of the best tasting fish you'll ever have | r/hannahferguson | comment | r/HannahFerguson | 2017-03-19 | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblFYckR6ZTJ3a0VGUHVUdlBFY0pXN25tcFF6V2JqSWpPQ3JSRzdaazhlNVBJV0JuNzBXRnpvM3RPQ1U3d2NFb3gyY1g0ZEt1T3RTdXFrYUliWTRjVWphY1E9PQ== | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblNFX0doUWdGYjh6cEtKcERtd0oySFRORVlHMFdLZlBJZ096ODBJNGxFYzNxTXVFQmRnZVhOdXFoTW9jRkMxU1VOSlRHdjNCQUh3RWpKa0VVRWhNeXJlcklkWnVSel9jLW81U2IxNTVlWF9LQXM3WHFtNkl4bjNuNkhadGFLTmpCNEdwcTVySEdDVEgxcXllbERLXzlKU3RwNEpVT2t1Wi0tUnpqRVk2MmpuYUl3PQ== |
Hey guys,
So we've created this subreddit to combat the ever decreasing quality of posts over at NHLStreams. Below are a few things you can expect from this subreddit and why you should consider switching from NHLStreams:
1. Game threads are added an hour before puck drop and removed after the game ends. We do this to avoid cluttering the front page with too many unnecessary posts. In the event that a game thread fails to show up 30 minutes before puck drop, feel free to create one yourself.
2. If you wish to watch a non-NHL related hockey event, please feel free to post a thread for it using the 'Submit a new text post' button in the sidebar. Please make sure you follow the same format that the bot does, which is: 'Game Thread [00:00 EST]:'.
3. All of our subreddits follow a unified post format, which is easy to read and avoid really gaudy and overly bloated looking comments.
4. We know how to permanently solve the downvote bots problem because we've done it in /r/soccerstreams and /r/nbastreams. You will notice that the best streamers on this subreddit have a "verified streamer" flair. These flairs are awarded to streamers who are handpicked based on their track record of providing the highest quality and/or most reliable streams. These streamers have the ability to post their links to their streams in a stickied comment at the very top of the game thread. That way, downvotes have no effect on their post rank.
5. NHLStreams is now completely unmoderated and there is no one in charge of quality control. Here, we check individual links to make sure that they are what they say, i.e. their description matches the stream they're linking to.
I could list several more reasons, but I think your experience here will largely speak for itself.
Any questions or suggestions are welcome.
Cheers, and happy streaming!
**EDIT:** The message below is in response to NHLStreams mods claiming that PuckStreams isn't an open community and that we are awarding Verified Streamer flair to streamers that compensate us in return through their ad revenue.
**This is completely false.**
As you will have noticed, there are several other streamers posting here aside from the Verified Streamers, so there is nothing about this community that is "closed". Moreover, if we were only verifying those streamers who compensated us in return, wouldn't we also demand that it would only be those that offered the highest compensation? And if we did that, we obviously would have also verified SD streamers. But if you browse through any of our subreddits and compare them to the rest of the streams in the thread, you will find that the Verified Streamers provide the best streams out of the bunch.
There are several YT streamers who get no ad revenue but were still awarded the Verified Streamer flair. They don't get nearly enough in donations to be able to offer us more money than what the other streaming websites could offer us, especially those that have ads plastered all over their pages.
But these false and baseless accusations are all to deflect from the fact that NHLStreams is a complete mess. They've now switched to Contest Mode for game threads, which is a terrible decision because it hides vote scores and randomizes posts. So anyone that goes into their game threads will be going in blind and without any idea of which stream to watch.
We do not award the Verified Streamer flair on a whim. We need to be able to trust that the streamers have the watchers' best interests at heart, rather than their own profits. This does not develop over a few days. It generally takes weeks. This is the only method that has worked in our subreddits to combat downvote bots, especially with Reddit's limitations in what we are able to do as mods.
Either way, if you find that you have an issue with any of the Verified Streamers, please feel free to bring it up to us. If they are found breaking any of our rules (included in the sidebar) or their streams are not up to par, their verified status will be revoked.
What's ironic about NHLStreams is that they claim to be a fully open community, but if you mention "Puckstreams" anywhere on that subreddit, your post automatically gets censored via autobot and you aren't even notified that your post has been auto-removed. The mods there have also decided to censor all posts by the mod team here. That should go to show their true nature and intentions.
At the end of the day, all we ask is that you make your conclusions based on your own observations and experiences. | r/puckstreams | post | r/puckstreams | 2017-03-19 | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblFYZTZkZkRqMm9jRFJKaG5UNFNaSWtUZzlhTGFjQU1BeF9LVHFrWHp0X0JUVjdZLUNjb0JyS1hsMDVhWk9jM1ZZQzlNY053Ri15NDlpRTY5eDg4RDBKNWZ6dUZaQ0hQTmRfbmItZW0tY0gtWU09 | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblNFVUN3OVJJLU1jd1JjdEhFbWMwMnZ0LVlEVWNENGxyU0dyTGVxb0NQNHJrUE91OTVvaU9kaHE0V1BhN29SMjBPRTNNOU1RM1dDWkhZZVpncjFQMnpYaF9BSE1Ib3J4MGkxQUVHS2pILXFZVTBIOTh1cVFvSFctR3R0R0JETk5QWGplZVlKbm9HR1A1SjA3X25xX2Q1ZkhpWUpBb01Tei1kbnZuaUxtaURrOEZJPQ== |
The side bar is a little lacking, but would posts using a game like The Sims to create floorpans and houses allowed in this subreddit? This is serious inspiration and I think I'd like to give it a go :) | r/fictionalfloorplans | post | r/fictionalfloorplans | 2017-03-21 | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblFYcGJxQVZlMVp2OGVsWlBfNUljZEtuZTg4R0RxWE9VRVF4TERxcmtUSzhKOTZmdlJKdkNmZk5EZlM1YzA0d3JtMk5DZGZNNV9ZNFBKWTV4OFRUejAxN3c9PQ== | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblNFSXFMQzJXRzJfeExFbDhOQ3lPVkZNZmlaUkpBTWEtQ2VKTHA5bFpod1VBTFdXTkNHOXF5dEctQTVpcGZfYVlCZUw1VVNyOHRMM1lVNnFobmE2d0IwUFlRVWZpRFJaSWlnYUNRMThIM3RWNG5DTzJmTWdKTEg3Z3ZEZXJqZnBOVlFfWUZRQjRtR0lkMW03N1ByVXZkNzFvSTRfUDRscEd4Ni1rR21LVk9pYmlvWGtDeUprN2hYX3dFejJhSzMtazBk |
Her boobs have just the right amount of hang. | r/hannahferguson | comment | r/HannahFerguson | 2017-03-22 | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblFYbWtydU5ZcUdNUTZNOEhuMXlsU3RwbWwzVVRoY200Ri1IamdNSnFLMXJNRWhPR2d0UGo2R2s2Ujh1SzlYV0s2QlV5RllUNld5am1UdzBNTDJZWHBCZ0E9PQ== | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblNFdTMtS19TYVpmbG5ZRlFyYlpPNERJVGhXcnkySHdUQ2d5Tm1vMlQxR3VlZGhiOTJQcFBCTVpxSTJCblVhZldnLXEtck02dUNDSzIzWlBlM2YtQTczNy1NX0hRMlhudjNDeFZFUTNlSUNia2U4anBqRE9JLTlBaE9LQUJBNTN5WThucF9sNDg2WFlTdVJWTDB4d0JKTl9SWHgtZEpVbzZ5T2RJQ2dQd0cxNEQxQV9nNjJaeVFCTzlMZVFMNl9QX1VPQmdfeE1QVlRRM3ZkakxKaVhTM1pFUT09 |
The first time was confusing. Mark, in fact, used the words "WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS GOING ON!?" but as an impartial, polite narrator, I'll use 'confusing'.
It was a mugging. Lyla was coming home from her first date after the breakup and the dude pointed the knife and
said, "Give me the purse, bitch."
And Mark, in his underwear, a yellow lipstick of Cheetos around his mouth, materialized in front of them, straight from his living room couch.
"WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS GOING ON!?" he uttered, as previously mentioned, which was not intended to, but
had the effect of, stopping the mugging right away, as the mugger, upon watching a half-naked man materialize
himself in front of him out of thin air like popcorn bursting into existence from corn except with a person and
nothingness (Jesus, what a crappy narrator I am), proceeded to politely say "Oh, fuck," and go home (later, I heard, he checked into an institution and got into New Age music and Paulo Coelho, but that's a story for another day).
Well, after much debate, Mark and Lyla decided that what had just happened was either collective hallucination or
undeniable proof that the universe was fundamentally different than humanity had been assuming for thousands of years and all human knowledge had just been rendered obsolete and we'd have to start over from the pre-Socratics on. They figured it didn't really matter, because either way they both had lives to get to and shit to do, and decided to get on with their stuff. They parted ways.
It was after the third time (the second being another, totally unrelated mugging), when Lyla got trapped in an
elevator during a power outage and Mark materialized itself once more in front of her, that they figured out that
the whole thing was a pattern, and that apparently Mark would show up whenever Lyla was, in his words, "in some deep shit or whatever."
"So whenever I'm in trouble, you just… show up?"
"Apparently."
"Why!?"
"Gee, Lyla, I don't know, let me check my International Guide to Unexplainable Phenomena."
"You're being sarcastic, aren't you?"
"No, I really have a guide for unexplainable phenomena."
"Now you're being sarcastic about being sarcastic, aren't you?"
"I'll add another layer if you keep bothering me."
"God, you're annoying, no wonder I broke up with you."
"I broke up with you."
"No you didn't."
"Internally I did."
This continued for something like forty minutes, until the firemen came and rescued them (as, of course, though
Mark had indeed materialized in front of Lyla to be there in her time of need, he lacked the tools to get them out of
a stopped elevator.)
It started getting suspicious, as far as Mark was concerned, the seventh time Lyla was caught in the middle of a disagreement with drug addicts in the town's worst neighborhood. That's when he started suspecting foul play on her part.
All the same, he kept to himself, standing by her side as the crackheads robbed her… then him (because, it turns
out, crackheads are not as easily spooked by people materializing out of thin air as muggers are… these guys just
said "Woah, dude just popped into existence. Let's rob him too!")
Then it was a cliff – literally, Lyla standing on the edge of a cliff, about to lose balance, and Mark popped up by her
side to save her.
Then it was a minor car accident.
Then a fight with this bitchy girl she knew from high school.
Mark decided to say something when he suddenly materialized in front of Lyla inside a warehouse filled to the
ceiling with towers and towers of cocaine packs and surrounded by angry, machine-gun wielding Brazilian men somewhere deep in the rainforests of South America.
"Okay, that's it," he said, as soon as he laid eyes on Lyla, tied to a chair in the back of the room, behind some drug stacks. "What the hell, Lyla!?"
"I'm sorry," she said, "I got lost hiking."
He got closer to her, untied her, careful not to alert the men patrolling the warehouse just behind the stack of
cocaine they were pressed against. "No you didn't."
"Excuse me!?"
"Look, I'm sorry it didn't work out between us," Mark said, as she got up and rubbed her wrists. "But you gotta
stop putting yourself into dangerous situations just because you want to try to hurt me."
"What!?"
"You don't think I've noticed!? Seven muggings! Random fights! Random cliffs! And now you show up at a drug
warehouse in South America!? You hate hiking! Come on, Lyla, it's so obvious! You're trying to get me killed!"
"Who's there!?" came a voice from behind the cocaine stack, because Brazilians speak English when it's convenient for the plot.
"Is that what you think I'm doing!?" Lyla asked.
"Well, isn't it!? Why else would you keep putting yourself into these dangerous situat –"
"BECAUSE I MISS YOU, YOU IDIOT!" She pushed him. "I MISS YOU AND I DON'T HAVE THE GUTS TO CALL YOU
AND THIS IS THE ONLY WAY I CAN THINK TO SEE YOU FROM TIME TO TIME."
"Hey, there's a dude with the girl we caught over here!" One of the drug thugs showed up, pointing the gun.
"You miss me?" Mark asked, quietly.
"Yes, you idiot. What, you think I take trips to the rainforest and end up on coke farms by accident?"
More men showed up, all wielding machine guns. They pointed.
"Fuck, why didn't you just say so?"
"Cause you never seem happy to see me."
"THAT'S BECAUSE WE'RE ALWAYS ON THE VERGE OF DEATH WHEN I SEE YOU, NOT BECAUSE I STOPPED LOVING
YOU!"
"You still love me?"
"OF COURSE I DO, YOU STUPID BITCH!"
"Why are you yelling?"
"BECAUSE WE'RE ABOUT TO DIE!"
She looked at the men. Then at Mark. "It does look that way."
"I'M GONNA KISS YOU NOW."
"Okay." She smiled.
And they did kiss. And then, of course, the Brazilian drug men opened fire and they died a very bloody, horrible death, but it was kind of romantic, really. I thought so, at least.
| r/psycho_alpaca | post | r/psycho_alpaca | 2017-03-22 | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblFYdHVnaTBTVWVwTWt3dFpub3JFRFExNFB5YjVFdzlGYjdsQXgwVTNCN2dldWtERmttbWpBd2JNcXVWZHNKdFJCM09vbGpacjBobDR6OUR6RnlPX2o3UWc9PQ== | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblNFX0VkYnJsWkUxcTcyRUh6MHU3RWxTWGU2ZWNkLTltRGhLMV9oeWRicTFnaEpLVlpvZGszd0IzYnAxVHVRMExESzFCUkhVY1VaM0JtRG5Vb2ZGZWp1dmZYblJldHlZYmNsVld0SThxZ0FwQU1MN1dkSm9jVU4zOU1sSlpfZGdQVlBORnduOWw4aTZRSHVWblMzZS1YMEs3bVdqZVY4ekFYeFg3S1hycmpJUmEwN2pJTEJTYVdNd2lId2VlZXpRS0lEbDZoNXllNGQ3T0xzUERfMUNBNWFuQT09 |
As the title says, thank you so much for making a better sub for streams. i saw your post in r/hockey and thought that NHLstreams wasnt that bad, then i decided to give this a try for the last couple games. and sweet jesus, this is way better. continue to good works bros. | r/puckstreams | post | r/puckstreams | 2017-03-24 | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblFYQmNfaFVEcldCS18zbmJIVk4yd0U5R05UeTBiZVBGN1ZSLWFZaVFDZ3JBT1VXU0NGR2I4U2IyMzQ5d3pzQjBMQVloUXpyTndCRWdaeFcwYUxacmdrWEE9PQ== | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblNFOGlfX3VXaHFrT2c4VE5XTmFGZ2JIZkhNMDRIcGdETlRLWkZLd3hxVzZVb1o3dG1fa1llQTR2Q2NobWdpT2hpZnZIWFlral9FaTZ1WnNXWG1YcG1yVGx5b0RTSklEU21OTWhYUmNfVTBocEYzbkVPblZSNWg4WGR3RXpTMlAxUFZJcUxYcjRRREFFRnVwMHZvSHZvQUZ2T1R5NXd1Q3lhUEU4TE9RcW9hUWZ5MTFPRV9acjJ3am5raDRtOGo1b3Ru |
The first time Death met Emily, she told him to go fuck himself.
"Your little engineering project is going to put me out of business!" Death had yelled, after
materializing himself out of thin air inside her office. "You arrogant mortal!"
"Fuck off," Emily had replied, apparently unfazed by the presence of a superhuman entity
in her workplace. "I got shit to do."
"Whatever," Death replied. "You think you're the first person to try to conquer death?
Sisyphus sends his regards, bitch!"
And Death vanished in a puff of smoke.
Emily, Death had learned a few months before, worked for Pattern Corp, a giant Silicon
Valley company working on uploading human consciousness to computers so as to render
humanity immortal. She was the chief engineer in the project, and her ideas were getting
everyone in the field excited about the prospect of technological immortality.
Death, naturally, was kind of pissed off, because if she succeeded, it meant he was gonna
be out of a job.
"Whatever," Death had said to Satan, on a bar in Hell, that night, "She's never gonna
succeed anyway. People have been trying to cheat me for centuries."
"Dee, buddy," Satan replied, ashing his cigarette on the floor, "you need to learn how to
stop caring. You let mortals get under your skin too often."
"Well, fuck, man, everyone hates me," Death replied. "You don't know what it's like!
Doctors, philosophers, physicists – they're all trying to get rid of me! You don't know that
kind of hatred!"
"I'm Satan!"
"Exactly! Only religious people hate you. I'm hated by everyone."
"Ah! Forget it, Dee. Here, have another drink on me."
And Death did try to forget it. But more and more, as the years went by, Emily seemed to
be getting dangerously close to succeeding in her project.
A year after their first meeting, and in the same week she had been featured on the
cover Times Magazine, Death showed up in her office again.
"So? How's your little vendetta project against me going?" Death asked.
"Just fine," Emily replied. "We're testing consciousness upload on rats with great success."
"You know, it's really ungrateful of you mortals to demand immortality from the cosmos.
Why can't you be happy with the time given to you?"
"Why did the universe make us in such a way that we are conscious of you?" Emily replied
(she was, in addition to an extremely accomplished Engineer, also a Philosopher, graduated
in Harvard). "That seems extremely unfair."
"Oh, unfair my ass!" Death said. "Let me look at your papers."
He turned her laptop his way and started going through the lines of code.
"You know, I don't see why you're so upset," Emily said, as he read on. "If I manage to
pull this off, you get permanent vacation."
"That's not how it works," Death said, still reading on. "If you succeed, I die."
"Well, whatever. I hate you, and most humans hate you too. It's not our fault you come
here all the time and pull us off one by one towards the… the… whatever it is that
happens when you take us away."
Death turned her laptop back towards her and looked up.
"What *does* happen after you take us away, anyway?" Emily asked.
"Nothing," Death said, still thinking about what he had read on the computer. "Eternal
nothingness."
"Hah! And you expect us to accept this? Well, fuck you! I'm working on technological
immortality and when I get it, we won't be at the mercy of your cruel, nihilistic hands,
asshole!"
But Death wasn't listening. He was worried. He read her code and, being an accomplished
engineer himself (being a supernatural entity, he was an accomplished everything), he
was starting to realize – she was close to figuring it all out.
And more than that -- he was also impressed with her work (though he didn't admit it that night). Emily, it turned out, was smarter than he gave her credit for.
In the following years, he showed up to her office more and more, and the animosity
between them started giving way to an almost friendly banter. He'd show up, they'd have
coffee, she'd show him her progress, he'd mock her, tell her she'd never beat him, she'd
tell him to shut up and go drag some old ladies to the beyond, they'd discuss Philosophy
and then he'd leave.
One time they even spent the night together, though there was no funny business – it
was just that it was late and Hell is kind of dangerous after the subway closes. Death
slept on the couch.
This weird relationship went on for years. Until.
Until the day Pattern Corp went public with an official press release:
**PATTERN CORP SUCCESSFULLY UPLOADS FIRST HUMAN CONSCIOUSNESS INTO COMPUTER**.
Death read the news on Google, at Satan's office (no one else in the beyond had access
to the Living World Internet), and he was devastated.
"This is it," Death told Satan. "I'm out of a job."
"Oh, come on. It was bound to happen. They're self-aware creatures, of course they hate
you." Satan patted his back. "I thought you were used to it."
"It's one thing to be hated… but now I'm useless…" Death lit a cigarette and looked up at
Satan. "What will become of me?"
"I guess you'll… die." Satan shrugged.
Death finally showed up at Emily's doorstep, one rainy night after her shift. It was a year
now since they had last seen each other – he had stopped showing up since the press
release.
"Oh… hi," Emily said, at his sight. "I missed you."
"So I guess you win," Death said, stepping in and taking a seat. "Congratulations."
"Look, Dee," Emily said, going around her desk, "it's not what you think."
"No, I get it. I've been hated my entire life." Death looked up at Emily. "I'm used to it.
You're just… one more person who wants to see my end. Didn't know you were talented
enough to accomplish it, though. Congratulations."
"Dee…"
"It's not my fault, you know? I didn't choose this job. I just… I do what I'm told."
"Dee…"
"You think I like being responsible for the source of all human anguish? You think I cherish
the fact that billions of people suffer because of me?" Death shook his head. "It's a job,
Emily. It's just a job. I don't take any pleasure in it."
Emily sat by his side, but said nothing.
"I thought you liked me," Death said, after a second. "I mean, I know not at first, but…
after you got to know me. I thought you understood. That I'm not a bad guy."
"Dee…"
"You know even Satan gets less shit than me? There are Satanists in the world. There are
no Deathanists."
"Dee, listen to me…"
"And what's gonna happen to me now!? You know after all these people upload their minds
to machines, they'll all live forever, and you know what'll happen to me!? I'll die! I'll face
the nothingness I've imposed on billions!"
Emily turned Death's face towards hers. She cleaned his tears.
"I don't wanna die, Emily," he said. "I wouldn't mind it before, because everyone hated
me, but… but I got along with you. We had great talks, didn't we? About life and me
and how you're a big selfish bitch and I'm an uncaring monster…" He paused. "I'll miss it. I never really realized how much it sucks not existing, because I had nothing to miss. But now I have -- I have you to miss."
"Dee…"
"And now… now… now it'll all be gone forever! Now I'll be… nothing! After people stop dying I'll stop existing! I'll ride towards that great endless void I've been pushing people towards my whole life! And I'll never…" He got the words out through sobs: "I'll never see you again."
"Dee, I'm going with you."
Death paused. "What?"
"The process. To upload your mind to the computer. It takes a year and a half." Emily
smiled a sad smile. "It takes five hundred days to upload your mind to a computer. We
can't do it in less time than that."
"What are you saying?"
Emily paused. "I'm sick, Dee. I just came back from the doctor. I have weeks to live.
Maybe less."
"What?"
"I won't be able to partake in the immortality I created," she said. "It's ironic, if you have
the right sense of humor, actually."
Death stared blankly at Emily: That woman – that mortal – he had come to know, despise, hate, dislike, kind of tolerate, like and then really like over the course of years. His archenemy and his only friend. "What do you mean?"
"I mean I'm your last job," Emily said. "You said you're riding towards the great endless
void. Well, I'll go with you. We'll ride together."
He got up. He backed up against the wall. "No…" he said. "No, I don't wanna take you."
"You can't choose who you take, you told me that yourself," she said, getting up. She got
close. "I'm ready, Dee."
On the computer screen behind her, messages from colleagues were popping up one after
the other: *Congratulations! You're a genius! You changed the world!*
"I didn't tell anyone," she said. "You're the only one who knows."
"Emily, no…"
"*Shh*." She put her finger over his lips. Their hips touched. She put her arms around
him and leaned against his ear.
"I'm gonna miss so much about being alive," she whispered. "You jerk."
"Emily, I can't take you."
"I'm gonna miss the sunlight," she said, her voice wrapped around a smile, "and the moon,
and the way the cold wind feels on an afternoon's end at the beach. And the way my dog
barks, and the way my children laugh and the way my husband smiles after I get home
from work…"
"Emily…"
"And I'm gonna miss the ocean. Oh, Dee, the ocean is so beautiful, I wish I could just look
at it forever. And sitcoms. Man, I'm gonna miss sitcoms. I'm gonna miss Seinfeld."
Death presses his eyes, bit his lips.
"And… and I'm gonna miss traveling. I'm gonna miss hotel rooms with chocolate bars on the pillows and tourist traps with overpriced wine in Europe. And I'm gonna miss meatloaf. God, I love meatloaf. And I'm gonna miss cold beer and warm hugs and fresh orange juice, Dee."
"Emily, no…"
"But I'm not gonna miss you, Dee. I'm not gonna miss you, because we're leaving together."
Dee held her by the elbows. Pushed her away. "Emily…"
They looked into each other's eyes. She had beat him, she really had. Humanity was
immortal. He could feel himself vanishing, even now. Could feel his legs weaker, his body
giving in, the room, the world, the whole universe around fading and crumbling and falling
apart in a swirling maelstrom, coming down like an earthquake.
"Let's go," Emily whispered in his ear, as the world fell apart. "Let's go to that Great
Nothing."
He held her close. He was scared. So scared. The world spun and the floor shook under
his feet. Everything was colliding. Everything was falling apart.
"Hold me, "Emily said. "You shitty, shitty, awful thing."
"Emily," he said in her ear, his voice barely a whisper. "No."
"I really, really hate you, Dee" she said. "Asshole."
They held each other close. The walls collided. The room crumbled to pieces and gave way to a darkness darker than dark itself. The floor gave in, and they stood there, close together, embraced, and for a second they were the only two things that existed in an endless Forever extending in solid darkness eternal every which way.
Then silence. Her rhythmic breath. Her heartbeat.
"I hate myself too,' Death said.
And they fell. | r/psycho_alpaca | post | r/psycho_alpaca | 2017-03-25 | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblFYY2xwRFNabm5lemNrWU02b3Zyc2QxQWJjek5iY1pFZ2xnTm9XbGcyNmlKOFFFaEJ0Rm1SekpDS0JFU1V3QnpWMzR1R19HSTBVM0FqajVlNHlrSzU5UlE9PQ== | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblNFbkgtMkZfVjNVeU94S3pidnQwRnJldlRETnV4WmtFMXVDYmFOSC1fZXlScVhWUXg4Ui14cjl5T1ZZYTdLVE9PVkloSEF5OWpXOHMwWFFNXzg3dW9POVpkXy1HWmRDbVpkY0JZV3FjV0p1MkdzTzJqOV85ZmZ4a2F0c1hMS3JOdGdKajBvTnBCTjUzUEppaVRpTThjajdiN0I4MzZPSEJQWXlGQU5QMkFDWlFWQ04tT1BBeWhpbUluZlFjeFFKbGtSS2hsN1B3eF9oT0QyRG8wTXVheHdFUT09 |
Ok, I have been playing around with different addons today and noticed that all the links on the puckstreams game threads were not showing in the pro sports addon for kodi. After some trial and error, Ii have found another addon in kodi that seems to be pulling all the links from the puckstreams game threads that are posted, giving choice to home or away feeds.. just as seen in the subreddit.
Addon I am referring to is called "Reddit Viewer"
How to Install:
1. Open the kodi application, under the "videos" menu bar, click on "Add ons".
2. Scroll to the bottom of the list and click on "Get More".
3. Scroll again till you find "Reddit Viewer" click on it.
4. Choose the "Install" option from the menu. When download of the add on is complete, scroll to find it again in list. Should show "enabled" now. Click on it again and choose the "Open" menu option.
5. Click on the second option from the bottom of the list, "Add Subreddit, Multireddit or Domain Shortcut"
6. Type "Puckstreams" (No Quotation marks) and press done.
7. Puckstreams should now appear in your list (Listed alphabetically)
8. Click on puckstreams and your game day threads will load.
9. Choose the game thread you are looking for and a list of the links for that game will appear, showing all the feeds, home and away, HD, etc..
10. Tip; I have found that if you hover the cursor over a link and a picture is displayed in bottom right or background changes, this link will play perfectly. If no picture displays, link will probably not load up. It also appears that the "YT" links seem to be the reliable options, while they last that is.
Hopefully this thread gets you what you were looking for, Cheers! | r/puckstreams | post | r/puckstreams | 2017-03-26 | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblFYWnV1T0swUDBkNW5kclg4azNDbFItYVpxb2IxazVPYnRpOWhHbDc4ZDhNbWlxSkZSTWNsQ3ZDOVhQVVR3eDR2a2Q3QVI2VmNCaTlMaG9OUXBqR2lWeXc9PQ== | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblNFellCR0szbFhoR3lkTjBoLUk4RlozRjkzV19wNDQtd0hqOE9rbElXVjBmTkJPLVV5d0pULW14MlRJRWZoUGZ5T2tJbjVwU2d6eGRicm5Ga0hWSUl2UEVleHdheGw1aXZFQzhwTmY2cDdmQ2tJRUVYeWRhZ0JVQTVoYmZleGRqVGRQYlM1aXJvT1d1Mm5kaHZfQy1HSVFvNVJIaHQxVkdwbjZiTVhDeGhTUVZ2YnNZdW1LRlBpRXBQUlNFUnRzUG4w |
Bet your asp I do! | r/verypunny | comment | r/verypunny | 2017-03-27 | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblFYblpUZzdMYXh3Q1VzOXlKdnZQSXhhcFVBbUh5WWtuVlVMN2NEdm95c0QxY0c2b2tLc3pORjhteFVxWENDTElHaTNTaXM4WEJsNTNKak1lYl9aemJ3TWc9PQ== | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblNFLWFkeGVvTkZRSmttX2RhZVZOYThmenI2SENjcXg5SjVpWlZsSHZERE5CTS1LaTlEN1FfLUY1MXpEc3M2ZktQZnpSbG9RdVNXVDFJUFlvbUtUY1g1aEYybEVzM3ZFZHFVSmUwTk9CT3FleWdhTk1kYnU4WlBmcHROMXh1eGkyT3ZBR2R6UzFmV0hEa0dWel9zYUxROE94cHJvdktrNUtwUVFadlVBNEUwd2QtTGlEc0RrVDZTLXJDWThLdGc4S0lFZm5MX3BnRGRvX082bjZTbk1hOTIwZz09 |
Since this is a fairly new concept to this community, I thought I should add a post explaining what the Verified Streamer flair is, the history behind it, how we select the Verified Streamers and why we do it.
Verified Streamers, in brief, are the best quality streamers you will find anywhere on Reddit (and in our opinion, anywhere on the Internet).
We first introduced this feature on /r/soccerstreams to encourage more high quality streamers. It was a very well accepted concept because it allowed streamers to standout in threads where there were 30-40 streams and 90-100 comments in total.
However, after a few months we started noticing that the Verified Streamers were being targeted by downvote bots and were being buried at the bottom of every single thread. So we had to develop a strategy to counter this. We came up with the idea that if we were able to sticky the Verified Streamers' links at the top of each thread, their links would be immune to downvotes.
Once we implemented this system, it essentially made downvote bots redundant, as the best streams we always featured at the top of each thread and the ones downvoting now had to be on their best behaviour to get to there.
We only select those streamers who have a proven record of providing high bitrate stable streams, while following all the rules of the subreddit and not having any malicious ads on their websites.
**We do not accept any gratuities whatsoever when selecting Verified Streamers.** If we did, this system would have failed a long time ago and you would not have had access to the best streams on the Internet.
We constantly monitor new and old streamers and only provide the flair to those who deserve it after being 100% sure that they are up to the task of maintaining the quality of their streams.
If you have any questions about this or have any suggestions to improve this feature, please include in the Q&A thread.
Cheers.
**EDIT: We are implementing a policy where if you are a YT streamer, you will be awarded this flair immediately. Please contact us if you haven't been awarded this flair yet.** | r/puckstreams | post | r/puckstreams | 2017-03-27 | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblFYVFFGZkRTZzVpVnk5Vl9lSjlfeGF0QTR0OXRCSXdVR2tjeHlTLXhFS3loazZicENLbjltN29SR2JDbFpqTFduWWhRX3o0a0JQRnN0ZVQxLV9wR1U2bkhBN1RIS0ozcHJQQWVDRUNpTE5zQTQ9 | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblNFdHFINDFqUU9LV0l3a1Y0dmZqRjhKZDlKcHplVmtnYjB3QW5vWUlKUmhQNTFFczRTLV9EN0VyLXZIZ3NBeTc2azh0dmx6V1U0RG5kNWowZDgzZEswSWl0dm50c011VzRTVEJpZkFHdHdudS1tdHQyTDhrUldTZTB0WGxreDlSLWd5bFJ4T1picS1SR0psOV9pVUx2WW9XZERmeDlxSjZ4UUR3eDdEczM3RkZ1NkNObHgxWHZqZkNKb2FIQmxZV2V5 |
We have 30k subscribers but not a whole lot of posting activity. People just aren't scaring their cats with green veggie sticks any more.
I'm open to discuss any suggestions to improve this subreddit's contents in the comments of this post. Or if you think it's fine the way it is, let me know too. | r/cucumbersscaringcats | post | r/CucumbersScaringCats | 2017-03-27 | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblFYUlZDdlFvSEppaXdPTjdua1ptSzJpVE5CQnRraFY0akUxaTdPU3FMdDlYWWpGSGFGM3RhVUd0d013R1laVGlpTFJkQWl5RWdCOC1FS3E5WEFlTnl5TEE9PQ== | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblNFTW8tb0l3a2l2VHI1TE9mTU9vUVFucmlhN0VxQVNFTFhGV2o1YWNlWUE3QzdlYWxUaGMwejBwU0RYZEVpWnNQOWN4Wm5JWG1tdHo0T0x6RWM3Q3NmcEQybktPNW9MYjVOZkJrWEx4b1N6OWJkNXJITDlDY3g2bG5jTmh2UFA5OWU1amljXzZmVGNJVFAwSHBfYTlZT010UjV2OFNIZEdjMTZwWG5NaDZrdi1RYXo1SUZiMnZIN2xzd0dDYTBoWE5sOHhFNnlsMGF6dHFvVWZ5T0tCVUtTdz09 |
I gave up on calling them 'Monday Stories' here because I always forget to link them on Monday. Still, it was originally published on Monday, so it's still technically a Monday Story.
Anyway, here is this week's story, a tale about a dude who's convinced the universe is against him (and then the universe admits it) -- https://www.patreon.com/posts/monday-stories-6-8594788
I'm leaving this one open for non-supporters, because, much like crack dealers, I believe in offering a taste for free so I can hook up my clientele.
Anyway, happy reading, and to all non-supporters: if you like the story (and my writing in general) consider becoming a Patron! You get weekly stories, updates on larger stuff I'm currently working on and a bunch of other perks. | r/psycho_alpaca | post | r/psycho_alpaca | 2017-03-28 | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblFYcF9TV2k1QllQOXdrSEk3U2QyQW5mbWVEcWxDS2gweVltMDl2S01ET0FTQmI2bk1iR3AyV2QzQm1OcE5qWEtTZER3R0s4MFVKOTVmUzRaTUJXa1R0REE9PQ== | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblNFTFhzS0lJUFV1aEdIRjRVeWZaZHRLTmJIMmUtQWZEWDNWQWI2aXJWaVcxdUplRkhwMGJhcWNMOTVfS3BJaDlUNWZseUpqQWJXRDFiT1RickxmY3Nad3RMOFBGb0JtUjBTZ19oV1E2RDVTN1BGUk01TjlETWc4endsTGU2WlV3TGJiRDhDRVRmTFRhdFZLR1M3akY3Q0NpWUJNMlhjOWFualFhRmtNZFM5TTQtXzdzOF81Sld1TFdFbDhKdU4zWkluTGoyVGZxcHdYYXUwdVR2anRzNDJoZz09 |
I had part of my hair tied up to the side temporarily to keep it out of my face, and this guy walks up to me and says "I thought the ponytail was meant to go at the *back* of your head?" said with the most disgusted tone I've ever heard.
a few years later...
"I thought the dick was supposed to be at the *bottom* of your body?"
*because he's a dickhead* | r/staircasewit | post | r/staircasewit | 2017-03-28 | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblFYOV9Wb2VwX1RGM1JsanE1UEZ2Q1dKUE1vVll6S0k3ZzZnZTZwVzduVGZNRmNncThDaFhNMEpQdVJpZTJjQXZLRDVMM1ZfYzZGdGVONVpvZU9tRl92UXc9PQ== | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblNFeFo3VGNncVV3THo4UW0tUGI1VXdJZUVnQ216dlRjV2hXQ0VvdlUxcklXVFNkWkhLWlRwZDBIeUNaa0txQ0VBVjB1YTc0QW43dXJna0wxN25BNFhpb1F3bnFUdGRjWXplS0NOSFQ4MFIzWjlQYWRSVm5CU3l1aFpNNGJteHhhVjdMNm9sN0NvWVZ2UUJSS19Vc1lDUEI1am1oazFiZmNlOE9OaFFKQkFFLWUzcUNKbnZlRHFrbm0xd0hFQXlZcG4x |
I really feel like it should not be an owl. It needs to be a house fly | r/gangstanimals | comment | r/Gangstanimals | 2017-03-29 | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblFYNEVpVUU1Z1UtakhzMGc2ajdnWml0eDNTeGtPZFNKQlNsRHg0YTdWWndOYVVscXhUZUxtQURDNmg3eVBUSC12U3Z3WmF4bno4R0VlQkxqcGR0TGU3Q0E9PQ== | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblNFUjRfYnNjckk5VkRUNzN5YU1mN05uN196ZVZ3dWQ0QW11OVRpeTRaQ040Zng5T3N3ODVkS2JJUlhnYmVQa2phejIteFdLTWppeW9ta3Y5a2Fxd1dJR2JmcTdwNXJ6UzR0dDE3R3d1TjR2N1dDcVJiNl8yTXpJRUtVYjliYjFLOUtNRl9EZmNVbm5kMjV4TmFYWnZ3U1N1QXNzSW1uZ0RReW1sN3lkSE1KLVJYVGV3blNwcTJwSkR3S0ZmUks3SWZa |
Astronaut Jack Wilson sat facing the large conference call screen. Around him on both sides, generals, politicians,
diplomats… too many suits and uniforms to count. All sitting. All facing the screen.
The president stared blankly at Jack. "Are you ready?"
"Yes," Jack said, nervously.
"Brian," the president commanded, to the thin man with the round glasses on the corner Jack knew was the
physicist in charge of the teleportation project, "Turn on the call." The president sighed, then added, "You idiot."
Brian got up and, shaking, went for the remote. He turned on the screen.
Astronaut Jack Wilson stared back from the other side of the call.
Jack frowned. "What the –"
"No, *I* get to say that, you don't," The onscreen Jack said. Behind him, a large window gave way to an alien
landscape of blue and green. "What the fuck!?"
Jack looked around. All the suited men looked down, embarrassed.
"Brian," the president said, turning again to the nerdy-looking physicist. "You wanna explain this shit?"
"Yeah, *Brian*," Onscreen Jack said. "You wanna explain this shit!?"
Brian shook like a leaf. He stood up from his seat again and stared at Jack (the one in the room). "I'm so sorry
Captain Wilson. It looks like there was a little bit of a problem with the teleportation device."
Jack looked from him to the room to the Jack onscreen. "What's going on?"
"Tell him, *asshole*!" Onscreen Jack bellowed.
"It appears that the teleportation device did, huh… well, it did what it was supposed to do. Which was to map your
body, atom by atom, then replicate it at the specific location we wanted you to go. In this case, the planet in the Gliese system, where the Gliesians, who made contact with us five years ago, were to receive you."
"Hu-huh," Jack said. "Huh… how exactly did it work? Because you told me something had gone wrong when I
stepped out of the device yesterday and was still, you know… on Earth." Jack kept looking from Brian to the mysterious onscreen Jack, who now rolled his eyes.
"This guy is my original? This stupid ass?" Onscreen Jack blurted.
"Well, Captain Wilson," Brian continued, "It did work in the sense that your body *was* mapped and then
recreated on Gliese. It's just that… your body here wasn't disintegrated like it was supposed to."
"So that means…" Jack started.
"That there's another one of you up here in Gliese, *idiot*," Onscreen Jack said. "Good Lord this guy is dumb."
"I'm afraid Jack Number Two is right," Brian said, his voice weak. "We sent a copy of you to Gliese, instead of the
real you."
Jack waited. No one said anything.
The president got up, slapped the table and said, "Well, I'll be in the Oval Office waiting for the impeachment." He
left.
"There's more," Brian said, after the room grew quiet again.
"*There's more*," Onscreen Jack repeated, in a mocking voice. "Fucking nerd."
"What? What more?" Jack asked. He couldn't get his eyes off of his clone onscreen.
"Well… it also happened that… by accident, mind you… we… huh… we sort of accidentally sent a copy of you to
some other places too."
"What!?"
"Yeah, like… to pretty much every known inhabited planet in the universe," Brian blurted. "It was an accident, the
machine read our whole galactic map instead of just the specific location we wanted to send you to."
Brian went for the remote again and, with a click, several other feeds took over the screen – and in each, after a
moment of static, a new Jack emerged, each framed by a new and alien landscape. Each framed by a new, faraway
planet.
"What is going on!? I'm scared!" one Jack said.
"Where's the food? I'm hungry!" cried another, on another feed.
"DRUGS! DRUGS! I NEED DRUGS!" a third one cried.
"How… what… I… what is… WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON!?" Jack asked. He was up on his feet now.
"Well… you know how Chaos Theory establishes that a single variation at a certain point on a closed system can
result in massive variation on a future point in that same system?"
"No!" Jack said, which was true.
"Idiot," Second Jack said.
"Well, it turns out that the slight atomic variations in the replications of your DNA coding when transporting you to
these other planets has led to a… huh… a little bit of a boo-boo."
"Meaning?"
"There's a massive number of Jacks with infinitely different personalities spread across the universe, and we have
to go capture them all before they start an intergalactic war," Brian said, in a single breath.
Silence took over the room. Even the Jacks onscreen remained quiet (except for Jack Two, who said, "God-damn
stupid fucks," and then left the frame).
"Is this serious?" Jack asked.
No one answered.
The door came open and the president returned. His hair was messy, his tie undone and he was holding tight to a
Jack Daniels bottle. He put a hand over Jack's shoulder and said, his breath wrapped in whiskey, "Oh, yes, it's very
serious. Pack up your crap, you and Brian are going Jack-hunting."
Jack looked at Brian. Brian swallowed dry and tried to smile.
"You guys are fucking assholes," cried a voice from onscreen, coming from Second Jack's feed.
___
[**PART 2**](https://www.reddit.com/r/psycho_alpaca/comments/62jf1m/infinite_jacks_part_2/) | r/psycho_alpaca | post | r/psycho_alpaca | 2017-03-31 | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblFYMEtBc0p1RFV4bUhWOFFUdzZWZGFGdzdYRjRrM0tzZzRWZ0dDMVZTdTJXbTFHZkdKMlhTamVPUEJuQkRaM0NWbk1kQ2dEOWpRamRpOG1iZVBYUG9tZEE9PQ== | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblNFM211UzBFOUJ3YVdJb2hHQWdnbHpiaE05M1NrLWdZN2xpSmRtd0tnbVlROUR2czItSUhvYXJBbThHNVBEY2them9nN1MtU2J1WkNIbUdBUHpMemtkazMybmYzalRCeVg1Yi1VWFVOQ2ZPbVQ1NnZpRTZJeks5M0UtNWNhM1FpUmdJT2Vhbms3c2daMlM3UEQ0Q1FuZXhOYldWTlBqT1B6Zy1tbWpfV21fZXJNZ1h2SUFiUmFveFRERXc5UHdZSmwxbWZyam1CWXFyZDg0TlFaRGlhN0pxUT09 |
"Again, Captain Wilson, I could not be more regretful. All my calculations were correct, I was sure, it's just that –"
Jack sighed. "Brian. Brian. Brian!" Brian looked up. Jack zipped up his suit. "It's fine. What's done is done."
"Very true, sir. What's done is done." Brian smiled. "Plus, we get to go on an adventure. That's gotta be fun, right?"
"Yeah." Jack checked the dashboard of the ship one last time, then sat on the pilot seat. "Well… we're all set. I'll inform base that we're ready for takeoff."
Brian sat by his side on the co-pilot. "So… does it make you sick?"
"What?"
"Space-traveling," Brian explained. "I've never done it. I've actually never left the state."
"Huh…"
"Never left the city, to be honest."
"Okay."
"Don't leave my lab much, really. Well, except when I order food."
"Right."
"Cause you know they're not allowed to come inside the NASA facilities, cause of… you know, classified stuff."
"Yeah." Jack set the controllers for Gliese.
"Can you imagine? Pizza delivery guy gets some info on a secret time-traveling project, haha. We'd always get warm pizzas at least. Haha. Cause they could just time-travel the pizza to a point when it was still warm. Though I guess then you wouldn't have the pizza, past you would, haha, but still, as a hypothetical, it's pretty –"
"Brian?"
"Yes, Captain Wilson?"
"Please shut up."
Thirty-five minutes later they got the green light from base, and two hours after that, they were gliding towards the edge of the solar system, an eerie silence hovering around the ship like thick fog.
Jack stared out the window at the dotted blackness he was so familiar with. The stars, the distant nebulas like clouds of cotton candy, the asteroids, the unending vastness of the great mysterious beyond that had always been his home. The wide, endless frontier of unanswerable –
"Hey, fuckers!"
Jack looked away from the window and at the Com Screen. Second Jack – the one stuck in Gliese – stared back at them. "You stopping for Chinese food or something? Hurry the fuck up!"
"I'm guessing," Jack started, to Brian, "that Gliese Jack is sort of a grumpy Jack."
"It appears so," Brian said. "The variations in his atoms must have made him a bit... on the edge."
"Fuck you in the literal assholes," Gliese Jack said. "Do you have any idea how hot it is in this planet?"
"Please be patient," Jack said, using his professional tone. "We're on our way."
"Go suck a bag of dicks."
"That's from Louie CK," Brian whispered, to Jack.
"I know where it's from," Jack replied. "I'm the one who watched it."
"Of course. He wouldn't know the reference if you didn't. Very good, Captain Wilson. Very good!"
"Thanks." Jack forced a smile.
"What?" Gliese Jack said, all of a sudden. Jack looked, but Gliese Jack wasn't looking at the camera -- he was looking at someone off screen. A voice was speaking to him – a scratchy, inhuman voice, superimposed a second later by a robot-like English translation.
"Oh my God," Gliese Jack said. "Right... right... yes, I understand." Gliese Jack was nodding repeatedly, a worried look growing across his face.
"What?" Jack asked. He couldn't hear what the voice was saying.
The inhuman voice faded, and a second later Gliese Jack turned back to the screen -- big frown across his forehead.
"What?" Brian asked, worried. "What's wrong?"
"Our neighbor planet… their leader has just declared war on us," Grumpy Jack said, in a haze.
"What?" Jack interjected. "I thought the Gliese system had been living in peace for thousands of years. That's why they were our first contact option!"
"It seems they just elected a new leader, who, in his own words, wants to 'fuck up the universe, or whatever… who cares, man, life is meaningless, I want weed'." Grumpy Jack paused. "That's the actual, official declaration of war."
Jack and Brian exchanged looks. Jack was afraid to ask, but he knew Brian was thinking the same thing. He knew he had to ask:
"Huh… Grumpy Jack?" Jack started. "What's this leader's name?"
Grumpy Jack looked down, then up again at them. "He's called Supreme Leader Jack, the Nihilist."
"Ah, fuck," Brian said.
____
*Will try to post PART 3 before I go to sleep -- if I can't, it'll be up tomorrow at the latest, so leave yourselves a 'REMINDME' down below. Thanks for reading!* | r/psycho_alpaca | post | r/psycho_alpaca | 2017-03-31 | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblFYMVZuNXI3c3Rvbkh1TEVLakJEYVk2cEFtLUtOX0hVZ3ZGSVJneFRiLVJiTi1WcDc2WlV1MlFZYl9kVkpia2VCV0FyRUxXU2c3SU1UZE5rRkRHbGQzRnc9PQ== | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblNFR2FsODdFcmx2dEVRcjFyVy1NUEs3bktBbGI4dzhtR0hfTllKS2pOam40OHVSaHMxWGh5Z0RFd3RGQVltcXFVdW83Wlo1X3FqcjFrelJUS3hFbTVZN3ZRaWg3ZEVfQXZ6dFMwZFBjeXlaR204SzN1RmdvTXV0VFpHbjQzRm9maWQ4SW9tLXZCMlBxSWxwS3NTSW8tWElTZ0dwczZZaWZMMVlXRUxhQ1puYmxZPQ== |
Does anyone know of any good software that can be used for floor plans? I'm looking for something a bit historical looking, similar to the Westminster map poster here.
I know some people just use photoshop or similar, but I am an idiot with those kinds of software, having especially difficulty with maintaining the symmetry of my plans.
Thanks in advance! | r/fictionalfloorplans | post | r/fictionalfloorplans | 2017-03-31 | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblFYcE1nYWplWG5CemlEa3N3WjdkaElBaVVRNmgtcl9nTm1sbkFoT1N6VWVHQ1ZlWEVIeGNUMXFWMXNLSnhrLTJCS2xFdkJNY19Ta0Y3bjhLckNJUVBjdVE9PQ== | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblNFb1FzbWZGWTFXd0VnLVZoNUY4X0JmVGRTWnVKdFlFUHAySGRETU9kZzlhcGkzN2lVazEwR21rQXhsaFl0RnIzWkVSOTBMWVFya09WeDJYb1ZoZ2lDQXNkQlNYSWxlUWdWRVZsYVF5Z01lX2R0VnNYd2hWMktyV2g3b09CMDlCZVNaQ2pIS2kza2VvSm9RdkpYb0UtY096aE9zaS12cU0xdC01bW1qWWlhNkttQjBwZExPMGZzVnpCOWV6UFM5eTZmc0czNjJPYVlnRGxpdFF3dXJTaUdRUT09 |
On November 7th, 2016, a subreddit called /r/pizzagate was created. For those who don't know, pizzagate was a conspiracy theory that accused Hillary Clinton and John Podesta (Clinton's campaign chairman) of being involved in a pedophile ring operating out of a pizzeria called Comet Ping Pong. This conspiracy theory has no evidence really.
Within days the subreddit became the #1 fastest-growing non-default sub of the day, with over 20K subscribers by November 21st. The subreddit's lifespan was cut short, however, when reddit admins banned the community on the 24th out of fear of witch hunting. /r/The_Donald users became enraged, and immediately began berating Reddit CEO /u/spez, calling him a pedophile. Later that same day, [this mod thread](https://np.reddit.com/r/The_Donald/comments/5ekdy9/the_admins_are_suffering_from_low_energy_have/) was posted. In short, /r/The_Donald mods accused the admins of editing user comments that were critical of /u/spez.
[Comments insulting spez, before they were edited](http://archive.is/TErOc)
[Comments after they were edited, with The_Donald mod tags](http://archive.is/73EOh)
Shortly after, the unexpected happened. [/u/spez *himself* openly admitted to editing their insulting comments by replacing his user tag with T_D mods.](https://np.reddit.com/r/The_Donald/comments/5ekdy9/the_admins_are_suffering_from_low_energy_have/dad5sf1/)
The comment was downvoted into oblivion instantly, with over 11K downvotes and 71 gildings. It currently stands as the most downvoted-and-gilded comment of all time, surpassing /u/kn0thing's famous ["popcorn tastes good" comment.](https://www.reddit.com/r/SubredditDrama/comments/3bwgjf/riama_set_to_private_over_mod_firing/csqg24d/) After many replies, /u/spez defended himself, claiming he was ["trolling the trolls for a bit."](https://np.reddit.com/r/The_Donald/comments/5ekdy9/the_admins_are_suffering_from_low_energy_have/dad8enl/?context=3) The drama spread throughout reddit and sparked a huge controversy. The event was officially called "Spezgiving" by SRD users /u/InOranAsElsewhere and /u/Baltimorecity. /r/circlejerk exploded with posts about the event. Important questions were raised: have the admins edited other users' posts comments on Reddit? The comment also prompted users to question the validity of the site's content. Many users agreed that spez should resign, while others defended him, saying the T_D users deserved it and had it coming.
Later that day, logs of a private chatroom for default moderators were leaked [in retaliation](http://i.imgur.com/tU2WQIo.png?2). Although apologetic, the mod in question was showered with praise from users, and his attitude slowly changed to justified, and he ended up posting an AMA in /r/the_donald.
Due to the leaks, [doxxing began to happen](https://np.reddit.com/r/self/comments/5ezz0k/why_rthe_donald_is_making_reddit_worse_and_why_it/), targeting mods who were supportive of /u/spez and/or calling for /r/the_donald to be banned. [A follow up thread arguing the opposite](https://np.reddit.com/r/self/comments/5f183j/love_them_or_detest_them_why_the_donald_needs_to/)
A few days later, spez posted [a formal apology](https://np.reddit.com/r/announcements/comments/5frg1n/tifu_by_editing_some_comments_and_creating_an/) to the users of Reddit for his actions. Additionally, he announced that you could now filter /r/all, which was a well-liked update by many.
[Ellen Pao responds to one of spez's comments in the announcement](https://np.reddit.com/r/announcements/comments/5frg1n/tifu_by_editing_some_comments_and_creating_an/damuzhb/?context=9)
Within a few weeks, Reddit calmed down and went back to posting pictures of cats and boobs, while circlejerking about politics.
----
Credit to /u/TheRyanatorM8 for writing the majority of this post | r/museumofreddit | post | r/MuseumOfReddit | 2017-04-01 | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblFYTnNUTVZKMVZONGZIQzREdlNIQkdKcWhQYWs2OExvbFRHbzJqS1c4dDdNOTY3NFpZMmJwSTY2Uk5XQzc4RzNXb1c0RGhNalRlWm05eUJNVlZHNWRrb1E9PQ== | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblNFNlBtZUJWUi1NTHBvU2ZkcjA4Y3ducnViNm96QzF6VFFEN1pudTN5cXY0dmZRTHpMTWo2VTRQTjZmRkVNdDZCdDF1SFJadVM5S1RYU044bFhlNkdsQWpFODRkV1NBY291cFVLUGZUbjJNZllEUy1xNHZBY0REVHZYbktvMVBzcUNvdTAwMXpjVWFXcjdCeUFGWDBHeGFkdEhsWFdlZ0F1Wm9zUjZUVUg3bEFjPQ== |
I tried most of the historical links including https://ncry.pt/p/OfDn#qg13LZe6kVJEtcuSNW1jhlzyHXV_BYfX7Hg6SoYzPHQ but they are all showing zero seeds. Trying to download on my gigabit fiber so I could seed for a bit if there are others out there. Thanks! | r/smyths | post | r/smyths | 2017-04-05 | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblFYVEZkRnBVWDBrVVhLQ01IM214UnRKM2ltV3NLY3hPYi0wN2NpVVNaQnY0c2RtU3FMNEpBcV9EZUpHN1c4UVZOMGJPdVRwSTlHMnhQY1A4S0ZfRUZMVXc9PQ== | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblNFTnpJUDNMQ3d0X0ZuSlZzRUk2M2Y1TVE1ak83U2JrVGNaYzEyTU8yM29scE9EU1d2SmllTXBjZnhJekpJUnJDRC1tWEg2eHpXR3J3c094c1N6bHZ6VkEtUU1adzU3LVhYVkgtY1N1MVY4RkZNZy1rRGRqZFhGLVNGWXJENG56N3ZmNURZRFpPRmRTNVFUc3otWWxZcGFtQWRSVF9CMFVPM1lQdEYtZWFERC1vPQ== |
[Source from verified account](https://www.instagram.com/p/_pf4DOAu4g/) | r/hannahferguson | comment | r/HannahFerguson | 2017-04-09 | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblFYU1dSaVg0NENNUERMNXpJcS1GV0xsU0RQUWtGSWt5dkJYaUxLQWFGQlc3SUtROGtmUzRGWG9NX3ZpZE9DRC03dEFMQmFuWURDUTNHRDE0dzd2YTVlekE9PQ== | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblNFaldkcURVSE00MXZQQ1NwREk2ZEFnWVoxQlNLRElrclN6TmtLRkpPdWNDX3FKZGdRaFFKNlNOeEVNcG9RenQwRGJHM0lCVlU4Q0YtWDdNVExuendPSzVkRzVydnd5YUlHdjJlZlFsaWpqRkY5eGpoMTFJcTY5S2ZOOXpBVHVBMUVacTJGUGhtU1BoaUFoTEJPT0wtNjNyYUNzRWtpUmRpSnhTdk1UMnpXUDZHUFNUcE1LMHoyY2UtNlNVcXRmYk1Q |
My god | r/hannahferguson | comment | r/HannahFerguson | 2017-04-09 | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblFYZlBDc25pVzdvQUdoT3lSbllTTVZCemFJdWpYNkxIMHJSNXRTQjFxN2QxTUVQaW9JU0ZSdmlheEVvMXhPNHBIM0NRQkZCbHpsdjZucWJfeXFKQ2hEQ2c9PQ== | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblNFYW9FOWRXNm92UWRoLTI2aFhSRDFqWGVwWTFTbmZlUTRXMXhtemdKVC1reVRGejJ4UGV3WXhBcGx3b0xkalEtWnhzYWJKbWhBN1dGa01ZbzlSX09icll6SWdyNURKWTBwMnBTT1d4ZFItSEREeDNDcVg5NEs5eGpQLVk3WXFMajNhZDBVQmRvZ1p2VlBJTFg1cTVoTWhvZlpsN0MtVjRFU0NSM3hDOFZGWUprZDFTY1ItZEUyUnk1Y09nazBHMk9l |
"Twerk" | r/hannahferguson | comment | r/HannahFerguson | 2017-04-09 | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblFYN0g2T2JBRnI2WXR6RkJsMUdCcXROQ3o2MG1FSzNXOEQ4MVlZcUZaQ3BocC1YeXhTWW9laDZLMU84cTlwOXRRSTNKbTNLRlJzTnROdWFjbUdBNHptQnc9PQ== | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblNFMEYxMG5mQnlVZ0QzRFRqakYtSVd2VmVZS0huMVFtalBVN01ZTUY4WDlsbmthVm5BMy05bFBmZHFpRFprbjE4anpULUNuNURlZU4zTUNxTWRQR0Q0Ml9oYUVidlVvVFg5QVNjdWV1QXBpRVh0aEI1TkJKUTU1dW5rREVRNEp3ODJJZGp5TnVPMVpjWW5iZW10bjBNN0xTbXlkR200dWhjaW9SNFd2ZWVoUC0wPQ== |
Where'd you find this? | r/hannahferguson | comment | r/HannahFerguson | 2017-04-09 | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblFYbWtjUmpPczJrbThFd1Atb3BTRExIdkxlYmZaYmNLNDVuTkM0bElaTzBEQVotT2kzN18zRTdFTXVoMFNMajhVV1pSX0gzbHRfOEpwZnhWNDdVMnlsUVE9PQ== | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblNFdDBZVjNfV3BIQXpFUmZDUXVXZmdpSGhBdUU4SGFpVExlZWVsSXVIWmVGd2Q3NnN2QzNLekg2Wmo0T1B6YkhNdGh6dVU0OVF3ZHNLZ3ExOTNfeU9IUHdEajJJQlFUd2M4OWI0TGQzMGJPLXJhSTZIS0lXbXlCWHNLS0RjTlk0Y2d5SkVtSEZGOFBTRnhScVV6NFF6a0tndE9TUEo3ZjVLTXhEdG1Ucy1iN2ZQaXdIUXh2UDlhY2R6WWlCNGdYSTIz |
The fuckin sack on that guy to drop down a story like that. I know it's life or death but jesus. | r/getthatguyabeer | comment | r/getthatguyabeer | 2017-04-10 | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblFYVXpHZ0pIYlhVWS1ua1lEMlAzSW40QWY2aTZJeHFXdHNXZDZIT2VtZW5pbHZYNW5ramlGekhwNjRnbm9iaFZ6NGM0ZGpITG9ObTdBblZSVHFwQ251RGc9PQ== | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblNFeDBMNUY2Vzlsa1NyTVlLcU1NSDZGLUJBdTdDRU5qTk1HTDlXcjZUZlY2Q1pyakRFdmZTa01qZk00amotNWRiWDRjMVF3YmtocC1iWURndGQxbzA5WElSNVNqS0hIRFlzOGVXV29oZG1VMFJLekZBUjVHTFdVR1JhYzJnamQ3RmJJLUU2VGwzeEdtZE5VVVRHT2o2azFET1JZbkxHYldrWVNEcTh6ckozNXNxcHVuVktGdWxZVVVIM09kT0xxU0kxV0gwUUFYUXdhOERqeFZ6WWNLaFhJWTh1b2QzS0lSMGgweUlaMldEYUthYz0= |
https://twitter.com/SI_Swimsuit/status/850724944220635139 | r/hannahferguson | comment | r/HannahFerguson | 2017-04-10 | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblFYOXFhR0lTeFZhZzNfQzF5czhuellVWlJsR3NKaHJYNUZmbWp2THRkMC05Tk03bUgwQWNoYy1sQUYzeGc1bFhRazF3aHdJc3Z5T3duMDhFUWl1NktSQWRkaTZzYzJ0SWVIeWp6U1RsSFBLNHc9 | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblNFdFlGaHZCd3U1VzRVTG92allWWnlrYW9lZjJ4QUt2MWZZY0c1MC1wR2U1RmJaeTJtcnVGU1Y1R3hfRXJXSHMwWURhRzNKal9UbE5xaVRWTWxPUTNXb2hZMk1XbkttU3VJX3FGZjdNN0pOSGVTakZCcy11cmVJcE5IM0hGdWJTMmFEeUdYNzJPNnhWMTNtdExFeU9nTy1oWWR1azFtWGx3LUdCYk5hejJMUmtYaVlsRmZxeDdNZGVXVlA1N2hvbFBm |
LIVE FROM THE GARDEN | r/gangstanimals | comment | r/Gangstanimals | 2017-04-12 | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblFYVXFobDVuRExBOURBNlo0bkxTR0F4V3ZaeXNnNHFpb3NCRG44S3VYLXVpY05RMl9NTW1wdHF6cE16WUpHQUFCY0tiM2h5M2MwR3dpSXZ6b2IyaGJPdUE9PQ== | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblNFNkkyMk1oUDhGcEtFdDV5MkNxRURITEUyVkJJWnZDTmZBcXZsVmJKRWNwbWdTTmZFNTVVSmUyX2tMSXAxM19aNGpYV0hUYVE1QV9TZXFwc0paTkJlVWRnUTIydHpHeGphUklqUXdWYmFnd2lGOEt4cTJCazdSTldDbmRZUEhkTjRFZmJzVXFMTDZRbFZDbzZSUUkxNlVtNTF0T2d0NjU5SjRXMjQ5ZHpxTi0yVFNBbU1BQW5FTHl2LXNLZ1FPLUY2 |
I'm sure it could be revived by some dedicated people | r/projectenrichment | comment | r/ProjectEnrichment | 2017-04-12 | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblFYZWJyYWRnaEtUMVdTM2VIdzVicmk3SExkRERjdFNYQ2pZQ25xdkotUWgtTVpVS09DQXpVTHlnV0VwQVFETEczVk0wdFJMaGpWeUwtT1gtaFN6QnhXYlE9PQ== | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblNFdXZEa2xqY2ItZUMyYnh3d3lvSC1oaWV4SEtaUHdON2lKY2VJUkxsVGNtTFB4cGJhMWh4U25oVTF2UzhBYUFycllTdjBZUmw0Zl9vYkpkaUxWS3c0ZC1adzhPY3FTVHFlQTBGdWttZHJtMTYzWjZfbFh2emhjTXRyRUQtUEFKSE1sdlhHb0JQOUFGWTRUMUhvcUtfVjloREo2Vjg0LVhxbC1lVFFwcHhqaFB6cDlndWRlWHp3eE42ZElySktSX2Vl |
Maybe a less sad way is to think hat users lives are so enriched they have left this website and spent more time living their enriched lives. | r/projectenrichment | comment | r/ProjectEnrichment | 2017-04-12 | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblFYTk1uRUloQzZCeUVwZTVQck9QMmZZeGNwZ1RtVk5GZ1NxMzFWTExxMjY4Z2EyeXBIT09hazJhSXB4cVdPTnpJb1RZbE13RUN6UHNzb1Z3d29FUVl5Q2c9PQ== | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblNFaS1mR2xJLUUzQXdSRmZWQWVIUHZuS3ZCajBEa3Z5S0VQTTVwM1hJX0NXR3BEWm4wWkdxZkRCbno0a2x4Nk1DQmpQQTkyUWpWODN2UUFmUUF5NF8zM0I1UHM3MEo1SmdWYnFJRnR3Q0NBY1h0N3pNZ00tbHpwS2pmOEhRZU0yeF9oNFZYdXVIT0oxY2JtS2JYM042VGdfZTZSZmlsTHBCaWtfcnVvQTFpUTVNcTdIRTFZczcyMHNiM2tiNjZRcmlU |
Make some posts, bring it back | r/projectenrichment | comment | r/ProjectEnrichment | 2017-04-13 | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblFYcEtoTnBfM3dYbThLVlpRakVLT0NNc1BNZG5DM0ZCdzNwdmVraGNkSGk0MFlpbEVFUV9ZY2g4UEFCMi1BVTAzZUlHXzR3N24wVTBmbDROT1BTeHBIeFE9PQ== | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblNFWXpXZFRWaHRiLUZGa01WUV9YOXpWaW91dTE0T3pwV19SVENMemo1UFRaRTV5RjhKQ0J0cG1TN01iYmJmMVFpUTh5OXRPaXdtajMyOFJJNG5ZajA3RjlNYVo4QW56TkFoaDV2ZDNLNXdlb2ZTeTJqM0lUTlhkeWYwREVUMVFUajVBV19heVpRbnk2WTNYZ1hWM1Yzb0d0QmI4TmpBVWI3cjkwRzduRVZBNGt6YVN5RXpwRHdlVWd5amxxanFhUW0w |
This is the best tl;dr I could make, [original](https://purplegriffon.com/blog/10-cyber-security-threats-in-2017) reduced by 97%. (I'm a bot)
*****
> How can we be expected to keep up to date with all the potential Cyber Security threats that are emerging? It's becoming increasingly difficult to discern between genuine threats to our infrastructure and the ones exacerbated by the media.
> With the ever-growing dependence on information and communications, the scope of security practices has had to evolve from IT Security to Information Security and now on to Cyber Security and Cyber Resilience.
> By July 2016, there had been four attacks on the UK National Rail Network, all of these Cyber Attack came to light upon discovery by Cyber Security Contractor - DarkTrace.
*****
[**Extended Summary**](http://np.reddit.com/r/autotldr/comments/652dk8/10_cyber_security_threats_in_2017_that_you_cant/) | [FAQ](http://np.reddit.com/r/autotldr/comments/31b9fm/faq_autotldr_bot/ "Version 1.65, ~101004 tl;drs so far.") | [Theory](http://np.reddit.com/r/autotldr/comments/31bfht/theory_autotldr_concept/) | [Feedback](http://np.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%23autotldr "PM's and comments are monitored, constructive feedback is welcome.") | *Top* *keywords*: **attack**^#1 **Cyber**^#2 **system**^#3 **threat**^#4 **Security**^#5 | r/vrd | comment | r/vrd | 2017-04-13 | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblFYNXh5UXNhcWNGQnRSTzR2WGZIRjc3NjBOSXY4MFZzczREZlRsTUNKNng1TjNDSFdHWWlFd09Ed2FraDJ4cGhScTJUZWpETnBnZUhyOUprRFFaZzZEbWc9PQ== | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblNFa2NSZTg0TGcySlVpb0RRcGhkd3otUnp3U2NtZ1JMYWVneTBzd2dkb19yZUFRYW5HV3V1R1pQdEhXWVNtd3ktaWJFQjJKZzNJX3Z1TDN4UVMzTjVQNUxfU1hTSUlobWRsUi1TVHozMUg4ZDcwaXZSYTZyMHN2WnZ0dUFDSFQ4X2tyUXdnOURkeTdKdER3eXVocERxeU9qdlpFZ0FhbGpEV1BzcF9Kb1h5dmNQWmtHS3FsMjVvRUVMcnlNSEZxQS1nTWVmbEVmSGpPdnFZbnVLX0pSMnVWdz09 |
Johnny Harris died and then woke up in front of a bald dude.
"What!? What – who – where am I?"
"'sup, dude," the bald dude said, casually. He was eating a doughnut.
They were in an empty space, not a room and not outside – just an endless canvas of
white extending in all directions. The bald dude sat on a chair, Johnny in another.
"What is this? I was at the hospital, the doctors –" Johnny paused. "Am I dead?"
"Oh, yes," the bald dude said. "Yes, you are."
Johnny scanned the whiteness around him. "Is this… the afterlife?"
"Uh-uh." Some chocolate filling dripped from the doughnut and landed on the man's leg.
"Oh, look at that. Shit."
Johnny frowned. Then he raised his eyes. "So… it's real? There's an afterlife?"
"Yeah, this is it."
Johnny got up and smiled. "Oh, man! I can't believe it! This is awesome!"
The bald man just stared.
"I mean… we all fantasize about it back on Earth, but I never really thought…" Johnny
shook his head, still smiling. "It's actually real. Death is not the end. Oh my God."
"Let's not get carried away."
"Excuse me?"
The bald dude stirred in his seat and took another bite off his doughnut. "Well, this is the
afterlife, but death is still the end."
"I don't get it."
The bald dude looked at his watch. "Well, you get five minutes here. Four now, cause
we've been talking for a minute. Then you *really* die."
Johnny frowned. "What… I don't –"
"The afterlife lasts five minutes," the bald dude said, casually. "Then you – you know,
actually die."
Johnny sat again. "No, wait… that… that doesn't make any sense."
"Yeah, it's like, you get here, you chat with me a bit, then… nothingness."
"No. No," Johnny shook his head. "That doesn't make any sense!"
"You're telling me."
"But… but… what's the point!? If it's not forever, what's the point!?"
"You could say the same thing about life."
Johnny paused. "No. You're God! You can make this last forever!"
The bald man laughed. "I'm not God! What would give you that idea?"
"You're not God?"
"No!"
"Who are you, then?"
"I'm George." The man smiled again.
"… George?"
"Yeah."
"What… what are you? A supernatural entity? An emissary from God?"
"I'm just the dude who takes care of this place." The bald man looked at his watch. "Two
minutes to go."
"No! No!" Johnny got up again. "I can't die forever! What even is the point of an afterlife if
it's just a… a waiting room to nothingness!?"
"I don't know, dude, I just do the job. You should complain with 'them'."
"WHO'S 'THEM'!?"
"I don't know. You know. The 'man'. The 'system'."
Johnny paced around the room, restless. "No! No! No, I don't accept this! This is too
cruel! You have a place where dead people go to just to tell them that there's nothing
after death!? Who would do that!?"
"They."
"STOP SAYING 'THEY'! I WANT ANSWERS! I WANT MEANING!"
"Dude, I want the frozen lasagna they used to sell at Seven Eleven in the nineties, but,
you know… *I saw her todaaaay at the receptiooon*" The bald dude sang this last part.
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?"
"I was singing 'You can't always get what you want'. It was a joke. Cause, you know, you
can't always get what you want."
"No! No! Stop it! This is a prank, right!? This is not real!"
The man looked at his watch. "Thirty seconds to go. Make the best of it."
"NO! NO! EXISTENCE PREDICATED ON FINITUDE IS MEANINGLESS, I CANNOT ACCEPT
THAT THE AFTERLIFE ENDS! THIS IS HORRIFYING! EXISTENCE IS TERROR!"
"Why does everyone get nihilistic here? Is it me?" The man eye-rolled. "Ten seconds."
"HELP ME! HELP ME, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD I DON'T WANT TO FACE ETERNAL
NOTHINGNESS!"
"Well, you could reincarnate, I guess. Eight seconds."
"WHAT? IS THAT AN OPTION?"
"Well, yeah. But, I mean, you'll have no memory of your previous life and you'll have a
totally different personality, so I don't really see how that helps with your existential
anguish or –"
"DO IT! DO IT, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DO IT!"
The bald dude shrugged. "All right."
Five minutes after that, a baby boy was born in a small farm house just outside Sonoma, California. The parents decided to name him Terry, after the mother's great grandfather. A
couple thousand miles from there, in a hospital in Manhattan, a forty-five year old man
named Johnny Harris was zipped up in a plastic bag and carried down the hallway
towards the morgue, because, you know, he was fucking dead.
| r/psycho_alpaca | post | r/psycho_alpaca | 2017-04-14 | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblFYMVlOYUlLSjA4ODhwQ21mRDNfTDNnSmNmTGdGQ1FTR0hwZllKbHpZbzZNM2xScXV0bXBKbjFsckxMVFIxdkVVTExBOFFmUUlfZVFRSzhCWHNGbjNxT3c9PQ== | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblNFdUFTVkZObHoxMmlMMGp6b1BneEtGRERBUllJUy1LOFRDQ3llcWg3WEIzYXFLYV83LV90andFX2otcDJHdHJLRERXeGtUNlFKU1dmRXBOZTRodDJENWNqUkt4NDNnU2dxMWRucEdIX1o0czdxQ2NaV3N2Q0VsOFJaMXFnYVl1NER3R2xXMGdObERqc1ZDQVE0TEVRYmdHVk1kZDkycmZRSWgwOUQ5bG5NSGFLWFJWdGU5U3BNckp5aV8yOUU5RDJKZU9YWDNBeTdSdUdzZnFwZDZlRml5UT09 |
Guess they hit it on key | r/verypunny | comment | r/verypunny | 2017-04-15 | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblFYY1JpRUZLVEhaU293NXctenh4WU5iTlpwUEtJRmNzR2FZZ0IzR3hUUmxFV2h6U2N2aF9FajBWclVsSGtwWnM3Z1VrVF9oU0xNbW1id3ZUMWlHTkNmSUE9PQ== | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblNFcWxDbng2cGtuQVRfQWlIYWY5ZTlnMkFPNjZ6Y21BWmp0eWkzN3lJYmdPT1JXa2FxUjVQOVJReDNabWJPOUhpTzc1b1ptalVOZ29hSFA2RzJlZkR1YU1Bd29ZNlczeUxYSGRGVkdLNHRGUmpyOXlRbGM0NWRSbHppOTVRRXltcENhZlR6TGF1NXdSVzVoYVBsMXBaLWoxNV9aajdiWlU4VkZHbm5zajJwcU9ZPQ== |
Hope he can drum up enough cash for his medical expenses. | r/verypunny | comment | r/verypunny | 2017-04-15 | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblFYV1QxWkpCd3NEem5BdXRwc1BMRWVkekdQajQ0RExzWVVfT1BQUzA3SGc3Vi1lN25CWjJRS2V3V1drTkFHaFNZZllFWmFabXRRM3BQaE1jU05USFIxZmc9PQ== | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblNFdVJUM3VjOHFKRU5saURuZWQyMzE1eHRJQmt5OW12VHgwQ1RDaUR2bEcwNWEyNkhWTWoyYmhrelpIMG1objFBblVrZWhSam52bWdjVTRQU2U3dnh3QXRtMi1lTS1EcUJCdlNBVm00bGRtZl9yMTJieTNDVzZVc2NwdHd1UjFIc0dsOW4tUFdtX2Z2bVJXejdYZG9xeXMtM1Qyd2V6eGtpZ2QwZm52c0t1ZlA0PQ== |
I hope the gofundme is smashing through their goals. | r/verypunny | comment | r/verypunny | 2017-04-15 | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblFYd2Q2QlV0bXlCc2JDdDlJd19haVpxVlJoMGh6WW12dGNPOGV1Y3lTS3ZFdXNZSi16Qm9RcmxHSzhHR2dYMWgzTFhlU0dpZjdZNWJTY0c1OGdqLS1lWkE9PQ== | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblNFLWlwQVZfM0FvdlVIVnFnZkkwTWFRWnBmLU5PaWRMNzZiekh3NVIxOVpTMUxmTS1pNFNMNGJWMjVoLWdtSGVrOVdKUXBXZjZMVVE0d0tYRk9KbFdiLVQ2bHFvckRnQzFkWFNHaDAtZDRTRjc2WHNtWnpxRlRYMjBUY1RvSlZEZ2VHU3YtTlRsZ3JwZnJjYXhOd3ZZZFFuZGFPcnhXdXh1ajkxOUd5RFNfV19jPQ== |
Welcome To "Deal For Everyday". Save up to 80% off on any types of daly needs product, Such as; Beauty care, health care,Home, Garden, Kitchen, Appliances, Clothing, Shoes, Jewelry, Electronics , Computers . We offer huge selections, authenticity guaranteed and free shipping. we provide information Best deal, Discount, Coupon Code, etc for you save money. | r/deal | comment | r/Deal | 2017-04-15 | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblFYUExLTmhsX1EtU0RfUDBMYkJrMVI5N0FFU2FSNUZhOWpkREZsRGpBSG92dnd1N0hrc1RVRlc3LUpmM3hILWIxak9rYmZuekU5RUhlTGxEVl8wQnNCWHc9PQ== | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblNFb2ZGLXRuV0ttajVmUWw1aGo5amRTM1lIUlE3cXUyek9BSDIxdjRnaTRFZ2ZLQTBUS3ZqUFg3REJlWTlCc2F6bGhuYmxjSDZzM2xlYi1rNDlicEthZERXVEJORk1jcXN3cjVybVR2Yi1nUndlVy1OSG1FczNmR1NTZXNkbjFnYkh2MDV1RXBkTE4xWU9maGdPcWFQMmZBYzJFemw4dmpDUXhEYk10ZDktam9BPQ== |
you cant beat that with a stick. | r/verypunny | comment | r/verypunny | 2017-04-16 | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblFYQWlGd25PZ1N4RUlSNy13SWtISWZ0Vl92TEJKUXFHUjdUX244NWtJeFRkZl8xaVRic2hpQjZrYTFIYjJDanY1TEM5MWJCZXdYaWphUEtNQThld1pUZkVBUVN5Und2Q2duYVhWNjd0Q0JOdG89 | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblNFWXQ1SVZnTm1MVGRRZ2gybzNRbnZiYmUxT1RIeHNDeDUtamZXcnZSS21Ca2tLenJmcVB6Wm5xX1Y3U25CeHZ2TmJ0cmdVa1YyUnZzckR5Ym9kWUkyZEU0QmM5bm5adzg5MHZ1YTFRRWNYSlNKUjhZQVd1MGdVMmcyT25uY1QzbTRSN3p4eTZuUGhlbVJEdUl1eHFHelhBeEVUb3JpSDViSUdOLVFDclFRQlZvPQ== |
Ba dum tssh | r/verypunny | comment | r/verypunny | 2017-04-16 | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblFYYWxoQ2tpX3U1Tm9WR3lkaXd1ZFE1RmZqQWhCQXFrekxxOXRRVnlGSk5lN1EzaHhqZGd4bEZHTmxOVW1XS0NIVXYxVTB3ZUZHbTJpZU9WeG9wSEtFOWc9PQ== | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblNFYVEyalVWQjltWENHV0RVSVRKRE9qWjFoMENSaWZ2SjFheW9ZaHp2STd6N0hQeU1SaHhBd09WeXlEVlZkTmxsOTFQS1BuVWNqaDJkbHdwX0k1bUltYUpNTS13MUVCd05yRG1oYUg4SnpFTmVNckpSdzhBajdiRDJkNDFNckJReUhucmtlUURiVS1IWHVycWV0cG5YaXFuSlRkVGlIbmVYV2IwMkNaTlVmd01JPQ== |
Hi Everyone,
There has been an influx of Pre-Pharmacy related posts and have been deleted.
These types of posts are better suited for /r/prepharmacy.
Thank you!
If you have any questions or concerns please leave a comment and the mods will review. | r/pharmacyschool | post | r/PharmacySchool | 2017-04-18 | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblFYdDdKZTY5Tm1nYjdhd1JWUjZyaUtOd0w4T2g4SktoUThFM2kxdm9LUlNLNF9KZDJvd19rLXJWbjZIS2k4dUR1T05rUHpJNmpsb01BZk9VSFNZS3cwbkE9PQ== | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblNFVWFmT0VfNWxDTjZ5Q3pfNnlzZi0yeUFvcFJDeG81cnFTUHlWeEY1ZF9US2YtbUJfV0JtTEhXa2Y5YS1zSjBoTjRYNkFXQWtGenJ6d0VDRmxUSkZ1QXdqRzIyNHlRdnV3MG5BMEstQ1lZUUxHLUJnLTZuaGUtNXZmYWt0S0txTWF5eEU4cDJUMWc0NGdEWnFpeEtfQnV5VmxlZ2otd3JiVFdhbFE0T2g4YUE5U0dLU2VBdWQ5V0RqeHRJRUpwWXQ2 |
X-Post referenced from [/r/holdmybeer](http://np.reddit.com/r/holdmybeer) by /u/SlimJones123
[HMB and throw it over the house to me](http://np.reddit.com/r/holdmybeer/comments/662rs1/hmb_and_throw_it_over_the_house_to_me/)
*****
^^I ^^am ^^a ^^bot. ^^I ^^delete ^^my ^^negative ^^comments. ^^[Contact](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=OriginalPostSearcher) ^^| ^^[Code](https://github.com/papernotes/Reddit-OriginalPostSearcher) ^^| ^^[FAQ](https://github.com/papernotes/Reddit-OriginalPostSearcher#faq) | r/getthatguyabeer | comment | r/getthatguyabeer | 2017-04-18 | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblFYbkhJMWlubHJpYk1OTFJiQVdPcFo4eUNNVFFjem8yVWNoVHdUU056Y1BaR1RZV0VFR09TX292djI0MFcxNmNHeW4tRlp0b1ZZWVV6MlhXZS1zR1p5UnpndmhaSG5xYVdrMlZ2NHVBVGo1eXc9 | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblNFWnB0XzNrZ3pKMFMwVS0xZC1TVl93Sy1oOGNDWXFxLTJHSlVJbkV5NzRNamFMWWZ3ck91UWNhY0hmLVlaOTNQUUdnaG5Zc2R1YzdFZTJIT3lJMFNXTkM1WkR0cDhVRnBaYTNfMXc3MTBzb0wwcWV2N2FCamhHT2puVUJzbG1DU0s0ODhDNXVmaE5fckdZN3FORzhTbnRMX1JwRlc1VUFwMDZ3Z2lQMkdhS3Vyb3V4S2hKSmFzY3phMXdRclZVQVJtZTNfdlNIMnFWMEhabVZ3dmZDX1JjOWREVEduVFNtLVhUcFozQ05ZZnF2bz0= |
Ohh shit, I totally forgot I was subscribed to this, haha.
Anyway, thanks for making this, it's perfect. | r/gangstanimals | comment | r/Gangstanimals | 2017-04-19 | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblFYaXZZeWxlbHM0T2Zsa2s1eDVVLXdhSjZTZjM5NnY2VHJJeTl2c2FjQ3hKWjR4TTlPWGg4VW5STG9wSThDV0ZEeE9LM2hCU0VMM1AzMHhXenFPNkdPSGc9PQ== | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblNFSVZSMmxsN2pkREFNTV94bnc3bnZjTzFOdWM4VEhoSEgyNExhc2hid0ZGejQyc015c0w2dDl5aHNMSEdZdFE5bERraHpCT05tTERlQXJxZXV0dXFnRTNNam0wU2dST2R1cFVJT0RNejMtNXpOd0VSTFUzRi0zX2xRZHo1akhMdnp5MnBwUzZLMU9YcDZMZzh3TGNtOG9EaEJRV2wzM3FwUmNNMS03X3JtaXhjRXk4VkVqT3JyOEc0eGhSbTlwUjBT |
Such an appropriate celebration | r/getthatguyabeer | comment | r/getthatguyabeer | 2017-04-19 | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblFYQ0x3OGF5VFh1UmdtMnFMaFlzTTNVYnFMNUgzaWVyZ091R3pfckFRU1dxeWozX0I5bXdLSnNEOHBBQVlORnBJeHpoLTgtV09mbEVZNEh2dzF5bGdRYnc9PQ== | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblNFaDhQOWJqV1hOTGtWWEtTZ0hfWkZLcFZZV2hVTm5ubnFwUThnY290bWRoVWhiSEFacEFQLXR5ZmN4QklsZmdBTlc1SFFjQ21ncEYzWHNfSTg5ak5FTmc4eG4wb3dySnJGOHZiYk5NTE11emhic2tqOVQ1Y0k2azEwQkZIdUhnVm4xSGJmTEF3TkFRQVJTNGxTdFJfczdoOW0zS2ttVUV0UTRQWkN2NHRPOXNLYXk2YTZ1Nk5Ga3psWnF6SmZHU0FGNUxBYjZIQUN5dmM1SHpVYUhnekhFbnF3ZTh5elNUbmpDRUU0cGhmZEhXST0= |
Should have been called Pun-intentional. :) | r/verypunny | comment | r/verypunny | 2017-04-19 | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblFYVWNtNU1oLWpTMWhGTHE0RjNSVVVBcHh1N2IwTWJkOGtZYmhUaXk2em1rQm9hZi16NXNmTWcxX2tKQzYzcVNBY1l2T0pTdmVKbW05d01TMXJkV3pSZ1E9PQ== | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblNFalNXRzB4RE1sQ2N4NGZwaVBfZWZNM0dTd1RjdjNPSF9xZi1Fay1wWnF2Vm91R21LOEhvRWQ4LXpYNUpfMExnc0JoVnBvSnVFdC0zdUpXYTNudkZIWDhWeDBzRlh3QWEybURiMmdDRUxzSlg3eVVFSlZZTUpGZ3gxVzFzbXFOaDJjLXc1U2xFWjdMZ1B2Mzl1QklLNXdpTFgxQXlTV09JVWhfbDduRFV5VTRGdGd4OEZGRF9VT0NsR3hMbVVJRTVq |
nice | r/verypunny | comment | r/verypunny | 2017-04-19 | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblFYNi1SUXM1bi1EX1JGSW1OQlpyMkg3eUd0a0NLY0JCTUc0SWRJdzJSX2owU2NxX2I3VGpMTk9jUGxPRlZVbVUtc1Bmb3NiTktyOENObkpkNXdyTXlsTlE9PQ== | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblNFNHhnR0JLYm1CdWFuYXhHYXl3UkdCZ2xmM3lMbmZoMC1ORmt2RVk3UzQ4V3VrTWYzWlhkTEFIX2RsN3pXdEM2emdOUXVYeTZ4Nm5DZ0lMTmRCOWhqRS1yMVl0OHRlN21yV1E4TFlkTlVpNjQzNTVhQzFFUlFFcmhaUjIxcVgyV3U2OVBremJ4bnFucU56MTNWM192NXY0SWFaMTNIaVFSN2RBMzdXTTExTzNOcHJIcXVVald3UVRURG4xM3hBV2lL |
that's not a playground it's a swing set. people put them in their backyards. | r/futureworldleaders | comment | r/futureworldleaders | 2017-04-20 | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblFYYnRUbGJTelNBUmo1Q1Z1cXpXTVVtc1JBUzFodmJTbkUtRUowcmk3eVM4RWR5Yk5WaGlLeEtFVnNyQ1FVcUJXMFJ4VTI2MWlfT2ZCZEdlZGtLZG15WW1RLUtMVUl6eVozMHZmMVJETGEyejQ9 | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblNFRkJKcjlfN2pfVC10SmNKdGtPRUphcDVhT0syazVlNnBWWUlJVU9DOGtISTB4ZUtUTy1XeWdVUWo5VUJ0VUdKUUhmYk14aDVOa2VMX2MzSFduWEFhcVpHbHRhVmpVelZZUVh3dXdxRmdOYklrbEwyaXptdkVMQm13RnMyeEFneUtDRnpPQWQ4R2V3UXlpeUtZRDVLWU9kUHI3bXFYbWlHUWdEa1BEWFBIU3V1Umw4anhyaDhxTWpMVzdfRGlUQU85cVo2T2hGSnE4QUwyYnRsNmtPQnlQUT09 |
I used to think I was awesome and then I went from that to believing that my whole life
is a lie. It happened in the span of thirty seconds -- reading a single comment on a
reddit thread. It got better now. I think I found the middle path, like Buddha, or
compatibilists. I don't think I'm awesome anymore but I also wouldn't say my whole life is
a lie. Maybe 40% of it.
Let me explain:
It was the claw machine realization. I've written about this before. I used to be an
amazing claw-machiner. Ask my ex-girlfriends – they'll show you the stuffed bears, cheap
watches, oversized keychains and knockoff dinosaur tamagotchis I captured for them
along the years I've spent deluding them into thinking I was a suitable match for anyone.
I was *really, really* good.
Or so I thought.
My father was the one who told me about the family gift, on a trip. I was young, it was
cold, we were under the dim red hue of a beer-smelling arcade by the beach at
afternoon's end. He had captured me a calculator watch that, once out of the machine,
counted the time for exactly fourteen seconds and then stopped forever, and I asked him
how he had done it, and he said it was a gift, that he could do it almost every time, and
that his father was very good too. And then he let me try it for myself. And I captured a
little keychain thing, first attempt. And that's how I knew -- I had the claw machine gift
too.
**Or so I thought.**
I carried this glowing truth with me for years. I was the awesome clawman. Every time I
saw a claw machine, I'd stop and play. Sometimes I'd have to try two or three times, but
eventually I'd come back with something. My prize. I'd gift it to a friend, they'd all nod,
impressed, they'd ask me how I do it, and I'd say, "It's a gift."
**OR SO I THOUGHT.**
Because, well, it's not. It's so not. Like you already know if you've read my previous essay
on the subject or the reddit thread I accidentally came across sometime last year, claw
machines are almost always rigged. They are programmed to hold on to the prize a little tighter something like once every ten attempts, so that eventually pretty much anyone can get something. The other nine times you're mathematically guaranteed to fail.
The day I found that out was the last day I played the claw machine. The realization that
my twenty-year winning streak at the claw machine was the result of a slightly above-
average good luck and a bit of confirmation bias shattered my ego in, I imagine, much the
same way Jesse Owens destroyed the Nazi's delusion of the superior Arian race. I wasn't
special. I wasn't awesome. I was just a normal dude. What is going on!?
That night, before bed, I thought about Mrs. M, my creative writing teacher in the fourth
grade, and I thought about the Chamber of Secrets.
Let me explain:
My first real experience with writing was a government-sponsored essay contest I joined
at age ten. I thought I was an awesome writer at age ten. I wasn't. No one's an awesome writer at age ten. You can't really be good at writing before living, say, twenty-something years. There's literally not enough time to learn the craft before that. Before your twenties, you're mathematically guaranteed to suck at writing. If you don't believe me, go read Eragon.
But I thought I was awesome. I didn't know that I sucked, because guess what? No shitty writer ever knows that they suck. Because of course, in order to learn how to write you need to write, and in order to want to write you need to think that you're good at writing, and then you write crap thinking it's good for years until one day you get good and read the bad stuff you wrote and realize it was bad and then you come to the terrifying realization that what you're writing *now* is *also* bad it's just that you haven't practiced enough to be able to see it yet. But you push those thoughts away and keep writing. And that's how writers happen – they delude themselves into thinking they're good until they eventually get good (or not).
The important thing is – I thought I was good at age ten, like every shitty, egomaniac
writer before me. I knew most people weren't good at writing at ten, but I wasn't most
people. I was me! Me was good, obviously! If someone had told me that only one in a
billion ten-year-olds can write decently, I'd have nodded along gravely and said, "Yes, yes, I know, we're a rare breed," and I'd have firmly believed it.
The writing competition took place during the winter. Schools from the whole state were
called in to participate – with one kid supposed to represent each school. The Friday
before they opened for entries, Mrs. M asked me to stay after class and told me that she
had chosen me to represent our school.
"Do you have an idea of what you want to write about, Alpaca?" she asked, when we were the only two left in class.
I looked down at the instructions paper. The theme was **'How to Fix the World'**.
"Yes, I have this figured out," my ten-year-old-self said, with authority.
I eventually wrote a very long essay about how, in order for the world to be fixed, we had
to first focus our attention on improving the educational system everywhere, especially in
third world countries like Brazil, because only educated people can come up with
educated and smart ways to fix the world, so we should be focusing on educating
ourselves before making any rash decisions about fixing anything, and then maybe in
thirty years, better-educated, we could start thinking about ways to fix the world. I
suggested an increase of 5% minimum of countries' GDP's to be invested in education. 10
for developing countries.
The winner was a boy called Eduardo who wrote that to achieve world peace everyone
should hold hands, because then no one would be able to punch each other in the face.
That was my first real-world lesson in writing: I am not as awesome as I think I am. Also,
writing is not about finding answers, it's about making readers feel things. Yes, my
suggestion was better than Eduardo's, but his made people smile, while mine bored the
shit out of everyone. If in doubt, never bore them.
A year after the Eduardo fiasco I joined another writing competition. I was eleven, and
this one wasn't through the school, but something I did of my own free will. Broadband
internet was just starting to become a thing in Brazil, and one of the largest providers
launched a national, all-online writing competition centered around the upcoming release
of Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, which had just been translated to Brazilian
Portuguese and was about to hit the shelves.
There were two separate categories I could enter: the fiction writing one, where you had
to write a 'magical short story,' and another one for critical essays – 'Tell us your favorite
book and why'.
My eleven-year-old-self decided to do the magical short story one. I spent months working on an epic tale about a writer who finds a magical pen that writes amazing stories and creates fantastical worlds, and the writer gets rich and famous with the books that the pen writes for him, but eventually he gets depressed because the stories the pen writes are so awesome that he starts to want to live inside them. His art becomes so good that suddenly the world is not enough for him, and he cannot be happy even as the richest, most famous man in the world, because his happiness is still constrained by reality, while happiness in fiction has no limits. It was a whole Twilight Zone thing.
A day before they closed for entries, on a whim and because entries were free anyway, I
decided to also scribble together a review of Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets,
writing that it was the best book I had ever read and that JK Rowling must have 'used too
much of the *fun* ingredient' when crafting the 'potion that was her second book',
because it was sure a lot of fun! I didn't even spellcheck it before submitting.
The following week they announced the national winner: it was my Chamber of Secrets
essay.
This was my second great lesson in writing: you *never* know what will work. Take your
favorite novel and I guarantee you, at some point the author looked at the manuscript
and thought "This sucks balls." Moby Dick. The Unbearable Lightness of Being. As I Lay
Dying. Brothers Karamazov. All of them were the object of their author's most genuine
disgust, rest assured: "How could I write this!?" "Who would ever want to read this!?" "I should have learned how to talk to girls in school!"
Which brings me back to the claw machine thing. Just like my distorted perception of my claw machine skills, I started my writing career thinking I was awesome, then faced the
realization that I was, in fact, worse than the kid who can't conceive of 'kicks' as a form
of violence, and finally went back to a healthy 40% certainty that 'I might have what it takes, but who the fuck knows!?'
Because here's what I realized that night about the claw machine, remembering those two competitions: yes, the claw *does* give you a little help once every ten times. But you also have to aim it right. If you center it on nothing, it will close around nothing. So even
though the machine is giving you a hand, it's also expecting you to put in the effort to
find the right toy in the right position and of the right size and aim the claw at the right
angle. And yes, nine times out of ten you'll do that for nothing, but there's no way to
know what the right one is until you play it, and you have to play it right *every time*
until you get it.
There are nuances. There are odds you have to play. Yes, you might do everything right
and just never get to that 1 in 10 play that allows you to win. You absolutely can, don't
let them tell otherwise. "If you work hard enough, eventually you'll –" Nope. You might die
broke, alone and never fulfilled. John Kennedy Toole spent years shopping A Confederacy
of Dunces around and getting rejected until the day he politely excused himself from this
world via carbon monoxide inhalation, only for his mother to find his manuscript years later, get it published and learn that her son had now won a posthumous Pulitzer Award for excellence in fiction writing, because apparently humanity was too busy to praise him back before he hadn't killed himself in shame and regret for being the shitty writer he never was.
The world is filled with posthumous brilliancy.
But so what? If you want mathematical certainties, you're in the wrong business. We're writing because we *failed* at math. We hate it. We tell stories because when we read questions in school that started with 'Janine went to the store and bought two hundred oranges…' we immediately got sidetracked trying to figure out what kind of backstory Janine has that would warrant her to go to the store and buy two hundred oranges in one trip. And how's she transporting it? And who is she transporting it to!? Is she involved in some kind of orange smuggling business? Is she aware of some kind of Vitamin C apocalypse coming our way?
So keep playing the claw game is what I'm trying to say, I guess, because even thought you can't control every aspect of it, you want to be ready when luck strikes. Ready to claim that prize that, make no mistake, you've earned.
And Eduardo, if you're reading this, I don't know you, but you're a Goddamn hack and I'm ten times the writer you are.
| r/psycho_alpaca | post | r/psycho_alpaca | 2017-04-22 | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblFYR3lHdVNDX19rUVIwNWg4QUl0UVpJbFg1NU9pWF9oWjhhTTlhNGVPOUc1Uk1xYUN2bFpjOTV5VkVaS1dnWjVrMlk2RklmRzJIY2NkeW11WWpGMHVCZUE9PQ== | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblNFczdxSmF0V19JckJydmY0SFJwam5HSl95eFFuTnFNdDhVb2xHMWEyUUxZbEREQWdqZE5IR01fX0tycTJ1cFN6V1dRTnRmRWJVZkhnaDRadUN6N1FoWENSU2FYMHRGYWpWSUlzSXltNW5IUkwzcV9QN1lWSnJxU3NvMG43ZHVRN2l0VEh2YVRCLUhmd1g2b2wwUW01bXpCbnlJcDZiUXVtTGRRbGk2eENwaVZuT2RQS3dZWHZla2ZXQnF5MDdvdXhfcWNROWVmWE5MRU1xUXBKVHVaQVd6Zz09 |
https://discord.gg/syP5qJ5 | r/tallyhall | post | r/tallyhall | 2017-04-23 | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblFYLTFDbjAxQnBzS25rMEtoSk5IaVE4MXN2aXFoQ1UwQy16VnhmUEFNLXhPR1hsTFdEd0h1b0dGald0SnItWEk3R2x3YnlYYnl6S3RoQTBvdHAyMDZDNFE9PQ== | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblNFX1k3NVBBWVhkYlpDUzNZOFRja2t6M0hjdVJZVnBvcWxtbnVzSi1oejVkU242WVlTMUZFeGJLYzNKYTZjeG8xYmFNTDluMVhTeXRhdVIxaDNRX251NUljanQwU1V0Tk9rN3VYanh2QzFrOUp4OW85d3ZBUXpDZTNubEEtemdVY2Y1WmFCZnlWVlAwaFdtRjd0LXdjX252eGdVOWI2bDNTMEFkXzZRYUZucVlJPQ== |
Anyone getting anywhere with this? Is this A858 vol.2? | r/solving_a858 | post | r/Solving_A858 | 2017-04-24 | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblFYMlhkUHVmUFpBUVEzUUZFUklqVWpWOWdsLTZybjYtdmdUYi1vQV9jOFpGTHB6QVRoZ1ZQNEJxSWtFMjBfcEFtVnE0STVVRDdiWjIzRmw0M1ppSjJoemc9PQ== | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblNFNEhRRkI5WVlKUXVFYmZHWFZNeVlSRGtad3dQMG5oenp4c1BzQnFwSEZfY1k4d1NKTWhzdFhSSWY4QXJEeVkzR2htdmNnZkgwU21CanBLYTlYUmZDRWxybzVrRE81QjhRcFBJdFpKM1F5c2tWSVExZmp1MURNS1N2dWVrRzNpcmFDbm85NUE2bDZkcUM1Z0tyMExTOGozRlA4Y245NUU2bHltOS00WmlFaWZFTnlPdHBuMGtDY05yWldlM2tXQkZLX0tGc09jNDZhMUNBNUhIaXZZd3EtUT09 |
http://m.imgur.com/account/SirSnails417/images | r/solving_a858 | post | r/Solving_A858 | 2017-04-24 | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblFYbTlYYWJTNkJTMDg1NkNFaEFfZ0xjc05BSmNXUHMxTmdyMHF4aW0yMmxxSUo3UU1qVzB4ODN6RG82ZEhPUkFIVE0ydkxoUXk5eHRjUVEzUHZPMS10cXc9PQ== | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblNFVnVGUzkxTmhpTDJPRWlhaHIxbTgwdmpHRnFueE93TVo0RDljQmIwU0JnSElLUW1EbEk3QTU5Nms5T1haRWFtdUhPS0x4Y0Zpbk95bWQ3bmJITTYxWmdGRk9SQU4xN1NjMlFFZTE0amFvalU2SVRYa3Y4UHZMN2NiOWhzejVDVDZ2YmZ4ZHJEWWpjMHl1aW5YenJEbklHbHpMNTdSWWRCVlpYNzZwVUNWUWx3PQ== |
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There was a knock.
"Finally," Billy said, opening the door and turning back towards his bed, "I thought you'd never –"
Billy paused. He turned back towards the door. There was no one outside. The hallway was empty.
"Over here." The voice came from the floor. Billy lowered his eyes to find a squirrel, about a feet tall, smiling
sheepishly up at him, a nut in hand and a tiny little backpack dangling from his shoulder.
"Who the hell are you?" Billy asked.
"I'm your designated under-the-bed monster." The squirrel's voice was high-pitched and his smile was friendly.
"*What?*" Billy crouched to study the animal. "You!? Seriously?"
"May I come in?"
The squirrel bobbled between Billy's legs and made way towards the bed.
"Dude, this can't be right," Billy said, his back against the wall, his head banging repeatedly against the concrete. "You can't be my monster."
"Why not?" The squirrel asked, as he unpacked his tiny backpack and organized tiny shirts and pants by the bed.
"Look around, damn it!" Billy shook his head. "I live in a semi-abandoned orphanage in the neighbor with the
highest murder rate of the country! Look, look out the window!" Billy pulled the curtains apart to reveal the
desolated landscape that was his neighbor. "There's a fucking shootout going on right now, look, you can see the
flashes!"
The squirrel studied the landscape for a second, then shrugged. "Creepy." He resumed packing.
"No, no, no." Billy reached for the squirrel and grabbed him. "They gotta send me someone else, man."
"Sorry, no exchanges."
"But, dude, do you have any idea the kind of kids that live here? My wall neighbor tried to stab me twice! And he's
nine!" Billy shook the squirrel. "Seriously, there are murderers in this orphanage. There are drug dealers all over
this building. I have to run to school every day, because every day a different gang chases me! I can't have a squirrel protecting me, I just can't!"
The squirrel bit his lips and looked around. He scratched his head. "I'm sorry, I really don't think they exchange
monsters, man."
"Well, they have to. I just can't –"
Billy stopped talking. The door came open with a loud thud. Standing just by the doorway in the hallway, three of Billy's third floor neighbors (the third floor was known as the 'death row' floor, because the kids there were the worst of the worst) stood, metal pipes in hand. "Billy!" The front one – Steve – said. "Time to pay the toll."
Billy sighed. "Can I do it tomorrow?"
"What do they want?" The squirrel asked.
"Ten bucks. I have to pay them otherwise they beat me."
Steve stepped into the room, and the two henchmen followed. "No can't do, Billy. You know the rules."
"It's my lunch money for tomorrow, Steve," Billy said. "At least let me give you five now and five tomorrow so I
won't go hungry."
"Then *I* go hungry, Billy-boy," Steve said. He took yet another step and banged the metal pipe softly against his
open palm. "Come on."
Billy sighed. He reached for his pocket. "All right…"
"Hey, can I just see that for a second?" The squirrel said, nimbly climbing Steve's legs and torso, stopping at the
forearm. "It'll be really quick."
Before Steve could react, the squirrel took the metal bar out of his hand, swung it around and cracked the back of
one of his henchmen's head with it. The boy coughed blood and teeth and then collapsed to the floor.
"What the –"
The second henchmen got two blows – one in each knee. Both legs bent backwards and he fell on top of his
oddly angled limbs, screaming in pain.
The squirrel then turned to Steve, climbed swiftly through his back, stopped on top of his head, raised the bat, cried "MOTHERFUCKER!" and banged.
Steve fell to the floor, the squirrel on top of him still.
"DON'T. TAKE. MONEY. FROM. MY. FRIEND!" The squirrel banged once for each word, each time stronger, his eyes
red and swollen, his mouth dripping saliva, a crazy smile across his face. "DIE! DIE! DIE, YOU BULLYING PIECE OF SHIT!"
When it was all done, the squirrel was panting, and Steve's head was not much more than a mush of blood and
bones.
Billy stood by the bed, motionless, open-mouthed.
The squirrel sighed. "Anyway, the name's Abby," he said, getting up. "You mind if I take the lower drawer?" | r/psycho_alpaca | post | r/psycho_alpaca | 2017-04-26 | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblFYc2tWTGJRUi0xLUhyU1N0T0gzY25YcGhrOVRzUHdLaGRWWkwzalA5ZFRkZmJQVWNkV2xmRUZNeHZ3V3VXcEhKWC1zSFpVUWk3b21nWDlMQlVXU3RWYUE9PQ== | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblNFeWNQQUM3V0dnTTl3OEg5QS12Zy1iQnJfcHJvM1RJTkdxSkgwWHR1bEN2YkttS0lmMjhmTTQ5T2hoR19UbjYxQU9yUHlqT1dMVjVLUF9JT2NVVDFaUS1oZjlibG5OSnBuNGR2REhHTXRxTkM4MWFWcjFXM3pqTkc2Um5obHZrVUtrRUl4MnViS0VZN0FBUjhicFp4SDNYWldlSlRhMGs2ajZkRGhkcTNNT1FEcHlWaFJDaFdaNEtad3VjanFNYjZ3aFFucHdFV1VoQTVYb0ZrWlZ4U2x4QT09 |
If you've ever shared a common space with me, there's a very real chance I've hated
you.
Not if you know me. If you're my friend or if we've been introduced, you're probably fine.
But other than that, you're eligible to make the list.
Here's the thing: I don't hate strangers for no reason. I'm not a psycho. But it's not for
good reasons, either. It's not like when some dude cuts you in line or takes the urinal next
to yours when there's six others available – those people have hate coming their way.
No, it's for tiny reasons. That's what worries me. I don't fantasize about ripping the head
off of the dude who's making small talk with the cashier when there's people waiting in
line. That's the functional kind of hate. That's the one where if you're the guy's friend you
might tell him "You know dude, the people behind you are probably fantasizing about
murdering you," and the dude might go, "Fuck, you're right, I'm being a dick."
I have grown past this somewhat acceptable form of sociopathy. My reasons for hatred
have now grown preoccupyingly minuscule. I hate strangers for the tiniest things. Like
pressing the stop button on the bus because it's their stop and they want to get out.
These people are just going on with their lives and following the rules of society like the
proud citizens that they are. They're doing nothing wrong. It's just that their lives got in
the way of mine, and now I really, really want them to die.
I don't even rationalize it all that well, either. I'll be sitting on the bus, about a thousand
stops from my house, and as soon as the driver takes off I'm scanning the place: who's it
gonna be? Who's gonna be the asshole who makes the bus stop and delays my life for
another eight seconds? Is it the bum talking to himself? Is it the single mom with the big-headed kid? Is it the –
*Stop requested.*
The old lady! Fuck, I knew it! I fucking knew it. Look at her. Look at her, standing on her
veiny white legs in her bullshit flowery dress. Her milky eyes, her brittle hair. Yeah, press
that button, you bitch. The whole bus has to stop because you want to get out here, is
that right? Fuck everyone and their long days and their wishes to get home a little sooner,
you want the bus to stop, so it stops. I bet you don't even want to get out here. You
just did it to piss me off, didn't you? Didn't you? Oh, God, how lucky you are that I didn't
bring my hammer.
You see? You understand how dysfunctional that is? This is not a mother letting her kids
play with the stop cord, forcing the bus to make every stop because she can't be bother
to control her litter. This isn't the crazy dude in the back seat shouting racist slurs, forcing the driver to stop and remove him, delaying the trip on account of his
assholishness.
This is a person wanting to exit the bus. And I hate her for it, because she got in the way
of me living my insurmountably more important existence.
Look, it's not all my fault. I'm a city dweller. Big time. I've lived in two cities that rank in
the top 20 most populous urban areas in the world before age 25. When you share space
with north of ten million people for that long, you're bound to go insane, there's no way
around it. Ask a dude from Whitefish, Montana the time and he'll buy you a beer and tell
you all about his grandfather's clock repair shop and invite you to dine with his extended
family on the holidays. Ask a New Yorker the same thing and you'll get a 'cunt' mumbled
under a breath on a good day and run out of town by a mob of suited angry men with
fifteen minute lunch breaks and receding hair lines on a bad one. When you live in such
high population densities, there's just no time for human decency.
And it's a downhill road. Sure, it starts with the guy who asks you for the ketchup bottle
at Dennys and then doesn't give it back. This annoys you, and maybe you think "What a
dick". It starts with the girl in the valley accent who seems to want to make sure that
everyone in a twenty mile radius hears her story *abooout, you know, the way he was
liiike, totally coming on to meeEEE, you KNOOWww? Likeee, what am I supposed to
dooOOoo, SamanthaaAAa?* when all you want is to have a quiet cup of coffee.
But it progresses from there. Because every day in a big city is a freshly brewed
nightmare, you don't notice it anymore. It's background noise. But it's there – the chaos,
the missed appointments, the rush-rush and the fast steps and the loud traffic and the
tall buildings and long shadows. You become part of it. Part of a fast-moving, grind-
gearing, nerve-wrecking machine that never stops running and you have to keep up or be
crushed. You're always on the edge, and the edge becomes your normal.
So as time goes on you go from being angry at people who are being objective assholes
and deserve the feeling to people who are kind of being dicks but not really that much.
Like the dude who stops in front of you on the sidewalk to pick his dog's crap. Yeah, he
could have waited for you to pass before stopping, but he probably didn't even notice,
and he's just doing his civic duty. Still. You hate him. And the dog.
And then you move on to hating people for merely sharing life-space with you. Who the
fuck does this guy think he is, merging left when *I* want to merge left too? Fuck him, I
hope he gets ball-AIDS. I hope his wife leaves him tonight. I hope his kids choose her,
too, and he's left all alone in a one bedroom in the bad part of the Fashion District, and
then five years later, when he's got the rope around his neck and the tears down his
cheeks, I'll walk in and I'll point at his face and I'll go, "You shouldn't have merged left,
asshole," and kick the stool.
And the dude on the Harley. Does he *have* to own a vehicle that's so loud? Does he get
a hard-on when he cruises down the 405 on that beast, ripping the air with that
god-awful thunderous roar that makes everyone around him lose their train of thought?
Fuck him.
And then there's the people doing *good*, and you hate them too. The guys in the blue
uniforms standing on busy corners waiting to ambush the unaware with their clipboards
and their charities and their 'you can save a life for only two dollars'. I'm an old cat, they
can't get me anymore. I see them coming a mile away now, and I've learned to cross the
street, plug in my earbuds or pretend I'm vaguely mentally challenged. But this knowledge
came only after many, oh so many "Can I talk to you for five minutes about the
endangered North American Cougar?" conversations I found myself in the middle of only when it was much too late to back away already.
Nowadays if one manages to catch me off guard, I'm prepared:
"What about the North American Cougar?" I'll ask.
"Well, their population has been declining dangerously since the mid-nineties. It is now
officially recognized as an endangered species."
"Good. I hate the North American Cougar."
"Excuse me? Don't you care about the environment? By donating just five dollars, you can
--"
"I hate the environment."
"You… what?"
"Hate all of it. I have a club at home, just in case a seal walks in."
"Oh my God."
"I only care about *me*, do you understand that? I don't have kids. I'm the only person
on the planet that matters. If I drink the last clean glass of water on Earth and then drop
dead, it works out just fine for me."
"You are a terrible human being."
"I know. You made me that way."
"I did?"
"You all. Everything. This city! Every one of you assholes who text inside movie theaters
and make out in single-person restrooms at nightclubs when there's people waiting to
pee. All of you. People with headset phones. People who are too specific about their
coffee order. People who talk too loud. People who slow down the whole right lane
because they're looking for a spot. People walking in groups, blocking the sidewalk. Dogs
who bark too loud. Everyone! Everyone! I need to move, do you understand?" I'll grab him
by the collar. "I need to move upstate. I need a house on a beach. Somewhere with
seven hundred inhabitants and no noise pollution and no WiFi. Do you understand!? Do
you understand, man!? I'm freaking out here!"
And then I'll let go of his shirt and turn around and walk away, only to nearly bump into
some dude who's just stopped to pick up his dog's crap. | r/psycho_alpaca | post | r/psycho_alpaca | 2017-04-27 | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblFYNWYyUF91U0pwNzU1N2Frald3NzNISl93eENqUzdNZ2FfNzEyVmU3NXRVTG96TXU1OWlPMmRYQlJXc01JTm40WW9DUVRpblJNbE9iaWliRy0yRElOZ2c9PQ== | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblNFRFUzMURjWGw0NGQ3UGs0RFJsOWJNbE16ZkVSdXNxV1R0d0FYZ3c0dWV0UlJNTGE3bU1HbGcyeGlTWDFRbTNjX0JMV1JrbFp4bGt5R1NGZVdMTERxQ0VpWENYdVhiM0hPQ0lKWFc0M05nMG1KY2dtVHZ1S2V6OUE3d2MxWmwwQkpJMEdrRzRreWNOZGNxMjFER0NBckNVZlM0anBycl83WGFJSmQ4QnhrNWIwPQ== |
Been too long. I need moar. | r/hannahferguson | comment | r/HannahFerguson | 2017-04-27 | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblFYLURTQUVvSFlfYjRjcXBWUTJLcVpWVjZZYVBtVVNfbnNNS0dCSU9TZmdBSVFFY0ttOHRyTDRBTVJMamZiZllCR3hldlJiRE4wUjRoaml2Q2dPclFpM1E9PQ== | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblNFdXg2MV9taXZCbHpqd2lfT1ljRFRHLV9MRTRsUGQwUWFwQXpfamlYdGlPYzUyeWxDV2xhUFl3YVFVTVRrVFRrd2h4eFY1b0NvQXkxeXI4WFZsM2lFWTJkWTZwb2xLN211bGczd2VQbkxaek5ZRXlhVzdhd3VGM0o1YTZremF3eEVfSzd2SDc0Ml9CN0JfWVp1cmNraXhWUHFuWVhiYlZnOTl5a1k5Q1JaWlMwPQ== |
Evil nine always shooting crooked! | r/gangstanimals | comment | r/Gangstanimals | 2017-04-30 | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblFYZjlkd1NCcHFYZTlfWG9RejJFeWMyQ1VnYXFHdV8tSHRWVml0dlhZbUpfSUh6VTlnTW1BS0NSWUxvTlZ2X1NqU2ZpdzNzOXBjRnpfclZHMEgyMDgzMmc9PQ== | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblNFVmx4VDM0RnVUVXlWLVpFcWxMRU5VVVpBbzc2MTh5ekk0WDRQa3A1amhSYjFBelNuU2NUSE5MOW10RlBKWEhlaklKWVhvME5kS2k0b09oV3ktTmNWd2szMHNFQUZRMVpEZ3JLT2tDSVFGWURMazBhNElEUlZDYTMzNkdrbEd3WlhSUXpqdk9na3E3TlROMlIyZERmSk12enRXTjA0cUpTZGFySzctUEQ5b1RaOEYtS0QtWjQ4US1vSFc3dTFxeFFCZ3JpbktqMmdDZFJzUXZ3YUZHNVl4UT09 |
Found him on the street a year ago when I moved in to my new house and I've been taking care of him ever since. He still doesn't want to go in the house tho.
I talked to my neighbor about it and apparently the people who lived in the house before me were the owners of this dog but abandoned him when the dog was little. So that explains why he always sits in front of the door and barks at anyone who comes near it (except me).
(I named him Toast btw :3) | r/internetama | post | r/InternetAMA | 2017-05-01 | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblFYYTUyRkgwQ0o4RUFOTFZGVkNBeGVqWjRVbXA0cS1Kd0pmRkJXQ3BSLUVRMDRxZGkzRWkxSFQzNUppc2NLYTJnLVdzX3B1dlZJYlMyeXZQYko4eVRwOWc9PQ== | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblNFV1A4QTF0dWQ4NS1pV0l4OXB4eUVDNGM2OElTVnpwVTh0bEk3RnpYR0p4Q3FMSFlUbHZlVFVLb3pJdjMzQjExV1VvTmFvdVpYMXdGN0hjbXI3R0pVRjdkT1BNcWVzUzJ2RVNOMUxBdVhrSkRlU2lxOE1DaU5qRGtvWldLOWE4Rm1xZWJYWk1jOVI2RWFBZWxKaE5GU3lHVjZOTHIyUndCVk9qenRTeUJuS1ZMSGVuenNlTnRnMU52OUdxU2RQWE9QaUY0bFZFUnFYUTB6ME9tWXVvWG9zZz09 |
In September 09, a reddit user known as /u/SpontaneousH [made a post](https://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/9ke63/i_did_heroin_yesterday_i_am_not_a_drug_user_and/) in /r/iama about his first use of heroin. He snorted some and thought it was great, but was going to avoid doing it again to avoid becoming addicted. [Within a fortnight](https://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/9ohdc/2_weeks_ago_i_tried_heroin_once_for_fun_and_made/), he was addicted and injecting. Within a month, he'd been [admitted to a psychiatric hospital](https://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/dw6u0/iama_patient_in_a_psychiatric_hospital_i_was_also/), due to overdosing on fentanyl (basically super heroin), diphenhydramine (antihistamines), pregbalin (epilepsy medication), temazepam (a psychoactive), and oxymorphone (another opioid), and required several doses of Narcan (an anti opioid) to be revived. Two days later, [he was off to rehab](https://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/dx7fa/iama_heroinopioidmultisubstance_addict_w_bipolar/). During the year that he spent posting these updates, they mostly flew under the radar, and most everyone who actually saw them forgot about them, until 7 years later, [he dropped in with another update](https://www.reddit.com/r/OpiatesRecovery/comments/5mub0f/spontaneoush_7_years_later_update_for_anyone_who/) to say he's been clean for almost 6 years, and that his life is going well. | r/museumofreddit | post | r/MuseumOfReddit | 2017-05-02 | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblFYYTc5UW92MS1mYkNpM29nb0xFQXlXam8zNXEzSXR2a29oa1plcWhUVWdXSTR6UFlJX3ItSVc2amI1UERvS05rWTNISVo2XzVhQlhRLWUtb3E4RTF3VUE9PQ== | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblNFYTd1c2d2bEdxME5uR1dIVk40b3JjaGZfUUxCdE1uaWh2Y1VvMWtVMzU0UV9KQkg4TVhFTFVhSnRRb2RWOVZNd3R4UWtiTGJocWlrbmpyYkM4ZlZXaU50V1RjVHZYUlkyMUJvYkt1QUxRX21NanU1ZnNJZ2FCTVdQaEVfOHJqS0owRWJVSHFLbFFQdFU1Z05LQzJlWVFUVVB1MVphT1ViZHhMNDhZZDRpSGxmNFJIcVh0VENsRjlEVlhtbUl3WG83dGtUaGN3LTdoa3JESDBzRkdlR29iUT09 |
"Mr. Johnson? Right this way."
Matt got up, smiled sheepishly to the other applicants in the waiting room, then followed
the secretary down a long, quiet hallway towards a thick wooden door.
"Mr. Mills will see you now."
Matt opened the door to find a friendly face in its late fifties, framed by a large window
on the opposite end of the room. Greying hair. No glasses. Sharp smile. Wooden table.
MacBook.
"Matt Johnson, right?"
"That's me."
"I'm Mr. Mills. Have a sit, have a sit. So… too much traffic?"
"Not really."
"Good, good. I hate this part of town, it's usually a nightmare."
Matt smiled to himself. Mr. Mills sighed, then lowered his laptop screen and leaned
forward. "So… you want to work with us."
Matt frowned. He raised his eyes. "No. Not really."
Mr. Mill kept his smile. "Excuse me?"
"I don't *want* to work, no. I mean… who does?" Matt chuckles quietly. "I want the job,
sure. But not to work."
Mr. Mills hesitated for a second. Then laughed. "Ah. I see. Good one."
Matt did not laugh back.
"Okay. I read your resume, Matt, and I have to say, I'm very impressed."
"Thank you."
"I see you've had one year of international experience, studying at Oxford University."
"That's correct."
"That's very nice. What made you decide to study there?"
"This conversation."
A pause. "Excuse me?"
"I knew someday I'd be at a job interview and someone would ask me about international
experiences and they'd be impressed when they read that I spent a year abroad in
Oxford. So that's why I went."
"Oh. Kay." Mr. Mills smiled. "But surely you learned something. Surely you grew as a person
during the time –"
"No. I just did it to write it on that piece of paper, really." Matt nudged his head towards
his resume. "There was absolutely no need for me to go to another country to study
things I could study here in Los Angeles. Hell, I could have learned anything I learned in
Oxford on Youtube. From the same teachers. They have all the lectures uploaded on their
channel."
"Okay… but –"
"It's two-thousand-and-seventeen, Mr. Mills. The complete accumulated knowledge of the
human race is pressed against our butts right now. We don't need to leave our houses
ever for no reason. The only reason we do is to impress people like you."
Mr. Mills shifted in his seat, and Matt caught a glimpse of his iPhone sprouting from his
back pocket.
"I mean, frankly, I don't even know why you guys have offices. You could save a ton of
money by having people working from home."
"Okay…" Mr. Mills puffed his cheeks. "Let's talk enthusiasm! Do you consider yourself to be
proactive?"
"Oh, yes, very."
"So you think you'd be a go-getter here?"
"Oh. Here? God, no." Matt laughed. "I thought you meant, like, with games and stuff.
Things I enjoy."
"You wouldn't enjoy working here?"
"No. Do you?"
Mr. Mills smiled. "Why, of course."
"So if I told you you could be anywhere right now, doing anything, with anyone, you'd say
you want to be in this room. With me."
Mr. Mills looked away. "Well, no, but –"
"I'm willing to offer eight hours of my day to your company. You can use it as you please,
and I'll provide the services required of me to the best of my abilities. But I won't enjoy
it."
"Huh… that's… well, that's a rather unorthodox --"
"I'm not a hooker, Mr. Mills, I don't get paid to pretend to be having a good time."
Mr. Mills peeked out the window, then back at Matt. "Okay… let's continue."
"Let's."
"Do you consider yourself a people-person?"
"You mean if I get along fine with people and am able to navigate social situations with
the grace and poise necessary to maintain cordial relationships and optimize efficiency in the workplace?"
"Yes."
"Then no, I'm a basement rat."
"A.. sorry?"
"I hate people and they hate me back. In fact, when I was younger I tried to patent a human-cocoon with the United States Patent and Trademark Office."
Mr. Mills didn't speak.
"A human-cocoon would be a cocoon where people –"
"I understand the concept." Mr. Mills sighed. "Okay. Thanks, Matt, I think I have enough.
I'll let you know, okay?"
"I didn't get it, did I?"
"No. No, you didn't."
"Okay. Thank you for having me anyway. I'm going to go home now, take a shit and eat reheated spaghetti in bed."
"Yeah. Yeah."
"I might make some chicken nuggets too."
"Okay. Right. Please go."
Mr. Mills watched as the young man smiled his way out of the room.
"Jesus Christ," he said, after the door closed. He puffed his cheeks. Shook his head. He spun in his chair and watched the rainy afternoon down below. He clicked his tongue.
Then he turned around to face his laptop and he typed *'human-cocoon'* on Google.
You know, just to check. | r/psycho_alpaca | post | r/psycho_alpaca | 2017-05-03 | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblFYb01NdnB3T1EyWVd5dWhpMEtzdzhlUzd5WE9pTEk4NXJHdnNGRHBlNFNJNVdVT1Vwa2RFczlYYm9ISnF4Vng0VmktbTJ5aG8xYVlibzRsQUFRM0J6OEE9PQ== | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblNFc0dYaEs4d1E4R2k2N1hoT1JjWnJ2eEhmQi12U0w1WXlnWGVGQzU5QzQ2bUdqWElPMGhnbzlsUUptQWx6NGFwNExGSlk2NTlFQTN2TENhX2wzWDYwaDVJbnpjVHlKcnI4X3hIdHc5Tko2TnN0V2FZaTA5dks2V0FCZE1kTGo0cmN3bktta1J4QmEzRThTQUFPZlQ5MkJZbWtHTFlSLVR5b3NNRloySU5TWFRmMkRhcGYweDJSM2hkYnNjbHp5cEdROGxiOHB2dm9HN2tJYjh2NzdxTWExUT09 |
s/interedting/interesting/ | r/vrd | comment | r/vrd | 2017-05-07 | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblFYVmNJb01TZFVZamFSVVkxTmstUzVqWVJpdjdJY3AzeTRrZVZXblRQUDBhdjFYNzRrNU5NMEFTRC1aQjBoYmM2N0hPcGxFVjZua2JJWGs1alFmdk5sTlE9PQ== | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblNFQXNUVWxkTW1TNWhzV3lKMlh4Q3NMLW11Qno5bGN5ZTRTRmktZFVnaFdCWE9jZVV2NFhfR0FBUWdWZWZ5U2JWNnNYeXF3MmRzeHE5Xy01Y0U1SzVaM3J2Q3VabFdjYWRaZzBoRy04U0ZZLTQyWDItLTN2dTRxX21LYkNpNWd0U2RLSzlaOHBJVjlNYzZ6eE9TSzVPbUd4VkxZNlFHVVB2TzJEdlltMU10WWJjRG01STY1Q2NlS09LWmVBUmVzbHBtaFF1UDNLMUg0VEFnbWd0R0s2bDF2Zz09 |
Is it an honor code thing? | r/eliactually5 | post | r/ELIActually5 | 2017-05-11 | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblFYZzlFUEUzZXlCSmwzaG5KbkpGNlV3SGhwNmx2dHlUMmVueWQ4ZWRrR3RPSXpBWnV2QkFJbjdOaEV6NUtFTHJlOHBxTkY1OWpkbVJ4NWJFWVFtRXlnekE9PQ== | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblNFaXVKVXFsVUFQcXk2UmlSbFQ3aTJneTV2ZFpEalAtemdUOWoxZksyRXp1ZTBWUGRCcDI0WGhzVkMwZHdLc2I1Q3N0bnpHMVM4dXhtUUpzYUtiYVdwdzZ5QldzcHFkQmtLU0loZUpWSEZvRFA2RHQ3QkFTZzRYZFRtcTk3R2xpVl9nU296VjVkQzIyV3YyYVliZjZzUFJaMmh1eDhRRURCOFFpMC0wMjlobnhiTUljeFlWWXBlSEE0TmFtbVVMdFpiTVIxTmF2aHdQeFNnbVlWcWd1YmZNUT09 |
IGH! | r/gangstanimals | comment | r/Gangstanimals | 2017-05-11 | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblFYOGgzY0FxVEJndGdnenFBMGtNVnpDckkxX2NJV2JMMnY4dlJ0N0p6TXdBaFdraFEyY3FpZS0xbmNrNHJ1Z1o2YjZWSkFjVF83LUFEZnpHX3djeU9WRkpSQm9PZTRxRUMyb1dUWlEtaGYwaDA9 | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblNFa184UXJLX09abXYyUWpWemNrTVl5QlFjMU0zUDdsSjZjeURTZkJvUnJ4VzVTRUpYWXVvTWhWczJRdVVBNEdEWThyTGdEMS1yM1lHQU5xcHBZRkpiekZpYi1SOUhXN09RSTl2eTAzU0pBOThHWmhTa1dONHlQQkp1eW80RU1BdUhEVkZPaVRTM0pRa05feEs3bHhYVEpMX3k2ZHlBQXBERm9zM0dYeXBEZzFYd3M1TkFYcEhWWUxOQzI2QkZibUhfalVtaC1VQkVTSTQ3YTJEenNVOVgtZz09 |
https://clips.twitch.tv/FaintMotionlessHumanEleGiggle
https://clips.twitch.tv/DiligentAbstruseQuailFutureMan
https://clips.twitch.tv/JollyCrackyTapirKevinTurtle
https://clips.twitch.tv/PluckyObedientStinkbugJonCarnage
https://clips.twitch.tv/PrettiestShinyGrouseAMPEnergy
https://clips.twitch.tv/AlluringInterestingGnatSwiftRage | r/watchpeoplecrumble | post | r/watchpeoplecrumble | 2017-05-14 | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblFYMTZBWEtCZkZuT1gtQ2QwTUx4eklXbXhBQ1lQOUczZHhfTktLRVQwYzRMNkhRdG1faE1IemotdEQ0TDFLZ2UzUlF0aS10dkZaT0tvdXZwaU5ib05oSnc9PQ== | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblNFV2RnNHl0VHdSM2xVY2VlMDlDclVaUjk0RjBzQTUtdzkwcFFjZVZNYVNrVlN1TXdISnZ1UE1hdm5vZHd2YlVVbXVCRnk1S3BzZ3NSZS1UWURSVWYyZVJEbEsyRjl1d0NXNGhvdHN6eGV0VHl6QkRaMnZqWWVjdmNERDFad3VKQkVSeFRsblp6b09lMldBZVhaemJqcEJ5d3BObUxXLWNZM0ZUVlgweUJuSDNSOFlzb1lwVGFSV2NIQWprV0Izd2xkeXExTUlCZWUyajc2dC1wM01mMUpvdz09 |
Not only can you not properly read the rules of what this subreddit is for, but you can't even copy/paste a title properly.
3/10, do not spam again. | r/futureworldleaders | comment | r/futureworldleaders | 2017-05-14 | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblFYWXh6WkI3UVlyRFdrN0piWG44MkRFYld3c3gtb1lHYVNrV2ZGYk10RlJqbzdrbFR2bXBJamx0SnJnMXNPZFhKYU9sUWxzbFltdEZ5cGNoYU9kRVlBeXc9PQ== | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblNFdHl0YVB3aVJOTkktSDlrLXJrVXZyZHIta0d5QXNESTE5dG9NOXdvX3BlNnRiWnFSU1lIdmJSTkhHQ2NHaUY0aEJOTzNRbVlHX19zdlN2ZmJtRmwxZkNLN285dFlVMlNHako3aHNZTkRsWmlOcUVIZWJpZ2pORzhtQVJFZXVVODVoYk9FN3V4ZUJKVEloTVllckl6a2FjemtuNnVhSDhjVXAzYW9FeWt2NGRHY0ZJZGVoeGVYNWJheWJvdWV5UGdtaFY0X29EbmhoaEtxMk16Y2JiOWZveHNUQmZZS2tFYkZFY0ZwRUI0MzhCQT0= |
How is a NatGeo video spam? Really?! What makes these kids NOT future world leaders? | r/futureworldleaders | comment | r/futureworldleaders | 2017-05-14 | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblFYcWJYREt3ZEN6QjRQRmZXZE9EaDAyUUZwZTY0SmFFejZBS3BMaVltdG12MUwyTjZzdjkwVDlUZUJMR3ZjQlBwQ0FrR0pzT1RHUXktWnUtUkhKcjdjcWc9PQ== | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblNFZVZ5LUFDTlRHREdmZTlrZHdzUjItbjkzVFpKd044ampKYW5OZ0ZJbm1rQjNkWlZkM0hKUHJtV2kydWFlNXNWdDA3bVV0RVhSODBXRGdhNHJRZlFGX2pqTWpvZkU1M1ZoLTN6VHFaN2plV0IxOHFtRG1LcmhBOXJwRFlCSnRUeU5xdzE3VnVkaDVzb0NzeGxEUlJfSzdLRFpZX1BiR0FVYXo1cmQ0bGJRdjdVQ3JCSzQyQllzZ3Zjd2Q1d1l3eDZaOFRsanM2RjdxVTBwenFoLTJqYldoTWJUSWliWmQyc0hTZ2wyNWk5LVRJYz0= |
This sub uses the term future world leaders sarcastically. Look at the rest of the content that gets upvoted. We're here to laugh at stupid shit kids do, not have our hearts warmed with hope for the future. | r/futureworldleaders | comment | r/futureworldleaders | 2017-05-14 | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblFYTUVYdW9ScU1hSjBtakFZcXRHdS1lRGtxN1dMMFdwSHJLRkM1QXZNVnN2NGJVSlZjeWNtV3Q2SzRDNjZBaDhoWHRqX0Z2U2s5bF9WM25UQ0QxaFI0QXc9PQ== | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblNFMi00NzNObUtHREFSRzVLY3g0cnBJMDFqTnF6M09CX3g1enA4MmR2VS0wVVhYMHVQbzFTemZveXZFZU1Kc1VEdVpGX29vbFVYa1RDR0hmWjhlcTB0WmpWRXhVLXdFSXkxVDY5a0liS2E2ajE0Ykl3RXVxdEJCZHh4TS00V3VPZVRQZU5pT0g4dWp6Rmd2dUF4c01QOTEtQVVLN0dITDFqc3FxWVdZanA2OUg2VHRybUhjNHFyejI4a0tHak1YTFN1TWtNOE5DcHZ6N0VNaXozaS1fY0VmbnRmQVlONExmRXpFcHRISGplR01ybz0= |
Hahaha...OK, I hadn't gotten that. Thanks for clarifying. :-) | r/futureworldleaders | comment | r/futureworldleaders | 2017-05-14 | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblFYQXFoNzkzTkJMOVh6YTZFTGNTVVQ0TVhVQTd1Q0dsUnVEZk1zOW16LU1CdlJPeTdRTUx5czRGZmM2d3B3SFZMaU9oLVNrSFlUN1kzb25zRlY3N01ERnc9PQ== | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblNFMHYzV21HdVg0VG93Q2N3eUhURnoweGFhV3hjVW83Tzg5MUdPREgxRmZnWVotV1phenRyZU1nREhKS19OWW1zbUNMb21XQ0FSMElkbDl4Q0pwSWtHM2loWG9lemVCTDBjQk9BZnZ2dDRCa2Q0ZldZVVNaR0FhdG1yMDBPS2NaYlBON1ZnVnBQbjlEbFNLa1lyempKcm1tM1dYQms5WEM0STRvWEE5WElWMEo3SUgxQS1EcHlnRVFBeF9jTXg1ME13ZEphN2JzbXRnUGFxdTN4SGpoVHBXaXQwUzdiSzZvcmtBQkRoTDVGRGR2ND0= |
Read the rules before posting. | r/futureworldleaders | comment | r/futureworldleaders | 2017-05-14 | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblFYYWtKcGNUZk5HMi0tb2hRVUFwdWJ6YVpiamFxdlNMZUU3d2hxZWEzNGtxVkwxX0QwMjNUYWxoXzhkSE4xZGgzVUZReERaXzB1RzUtVlk5eTdJWXh6MEE9PQ== | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblNFQnFDT1J5YV94NzFHRmlwOWhXbVpqTlFGSUJvaTJXajg1UEhpWUJpSzduLTdnTzhVUmRVMlBpRnFid1pNQ194Mk52SzNCcDZPYXN0XzVrMlV2OTlqaGVsV0FmeU9pazBMUjlLZEFEOTZHOHZDR2NNNW9tek9sRVo4M01KSGlkR3FkOE9Rd3pITXB0Qi1nc3c4QzhETy11QklQeHNTd1ZDRDhNR3pmWG8yaXkyeTVkb09xNTd1NkpKTmN0Vm40RjBielZQbXp1YWlzX1RaZEZyUmVrWnY0T3FNRnR5WDBiS1FEd3Nna3VPR0Jndz0= |
I did. | r/futureworldleaders | comment | r/futureworldleaders | 2017-05-15 | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblFYcmdlTmNoQnNrUkFIQ0Fyc08tam5kS3FTQVdJZU1NWkFlLWxfYkVud0JjdFJYWjlFLXNfZ2ctYlRqNUp3RXdRN3FQaFNuekpOZU5zYVExWVdNN3g4X0E9PQ== | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblNFdHJhR2JhX2dERktuT05xbExVa2xrSENxcjZudjJDYlFzT0VBWG4wM3pyWEFJQzlnbHVvWkZWbXhyZkJOWkt1VnNhaVNYeDVjQk96eXFBUm5JeUg5RFNFcTFteFJrMGpIMTF0cGpYODRKY1dVel9FaE81aHBJQmY2c3hZVFd4MGpWUkxLN1pCbm1HaWlFM0hLX0FuSENDdmJBcmprdWFOWXR1LUZpeU1FQkVUeExpeGplRzZUTC15elY5ckdFa0ZfNlRzZmNyTDBqY1NUdUJzbTYxclJpSkVMXy16akZvaG5FNWlGVFFmTk9DND0= |
To be fair, they're worded pretty ambiguously. | r/futureworldleaders | comment | r/futureworldleaders | 2017-05-15 | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblFYSmxqM1RmX21qTEhsNmZjU1EtTXVaeEg1Tlp1OHI3cWlDUHJKTVE2YmlMMnZ1d3RvckZxRkFRQzhUWXNUeklsbUpkT2FCS2NoN050b0I4dDd6YW1fWkE9PQ== | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblNFWTFpejZFRF9iM004ajhfUHRjNWhCRlpzLWY4YzV4QWVWb2w5Y1QwWHUwMDlLdFV6eFE4UC1nWTFaM2lSZ3pzVzZ0Q3ZSdVMwcDdldDVCSG5nY2xmZTN0QXgwakZQazQtaTltQ2ZkYzhUXzBGbk5XeExkek9qUmFDdHNGSy1IZ2g0NUZCNzhmNlB1WkJ6bURGNGlCaWo4VmRScjFWM1BXLXdMTWwwdkFnd2VjWDJ4WXVjOXRhYVZNbTg0ZmVNcGx1Y3BfSTRwbDFUaDVnajZ5RUtSZm5mSjdFZGJIUHlQSmtqR3d2TTNheGtrUT0= |
[Original post by /u/lordtuts, promising to tattoo the next day's top post on his ass](https://np.reddit.com/r/me_irl/comments/5ihre2/me_irl/)
The users battled it out, competing to get to the top of the front page of /r/me_irl.
An example post:
["The bee movie script but it gets tattooed on /u/lordtuts ass"](https://np.reddit.com/r/me_irl/comments/5iites/me_irl/)
Then, this happened...
[/u/lordtuts refuses to deliver](https://np.reddit.com/r/me_irl/comments/5it0d7/me_irl/)
Mods respond in anger:
> /u/Ughable: "You're a no-good scam artist. You told us you'd put a meme on a butt, but you've only put your butt into our memes."
> /u/andreaplanbee: "banned"
Other users' responses:
> /u/typical__throwaway: "I think you just ruined your reddit life, people will downvote everything you post."
> /u/fuckiforgotmyaccount: "It was you who was bamboozled! We all acted enthused so you would actually consider it!"
> /u/TheStrawberryRodeo: "It may have been fake internet points, but the trust was real"
Later, /u/lordtuts got taken to /r/KarmaCourt. The [post](https://np.reddit.com/r/KarmaCourt/comments/5itzq8/the_people_of_rme_irl_vs_ulordtuts_for_the_theft/) became the subreddit's top post of all time.
| r/museumofreddit | post | r/MuseumOfReddit | 2017-05-15 | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblFYdFJZQnBKQms0WkMzM29Tc0U0TkotYTA5Y2pyaEd3QkszMFNCejY4WFBSQUlYUV9acURNWTlkTjNyc2FhU1htOF9nb210RXJ3Ym1iRVpfM0gzWmFpWFE9PQ== | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblNFd3ZfTlV6U1llNEdfdk03MUxqMk04R1dpS1M1WHljbUk1Q3Q3REpxaUxOUjJIdGN6OTg5b3F4RGRmRWZlTHVkYXFtUy0zUk5aSmliQ2R1QXRWQnNHVFZiclo2LXJGdUI4V3plWVdydnJhWTMtY2MyTDFaNk43MkhacTFmOXBxYXc4dkZMLWx3Ylc3TnRpLUV4VE1MRjNPTHhhQ09qZlJ5S2VFYWlJQXl3WDlXeFdUaEpnekxMRF94SmpfR3BGdHQx |
Ah, my bad, thank you. | r/screamingfish | comment | r/screamingfish | 2017-05-17 | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblFYWWxwVjdjSHBSUWZBU1FYS3FwZG5HUTJQWTh2bl9tRDF5SmI3alpWV0p3NjktVWpDcGI0emdFRTJveENDUFFqRnEwMlNTYTBabmNxZ1Iyd0kzTy1BLXc9PQ== | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblNFbnpCQ0QxRW1TYUxiYjR4Y0dlUEVHcHpnSmJMNzl4WDExb1lJOEVXZEpXczJHOVRoSkxISm9aUGFfMXI3MEZBUVM4cW1xUndxTkxDTzZCVUUzLXowSTgwRVIyQmtYcDBPNExQTFFLOGFEeEtfNE9DeVRGbTF4a3hXU1dFbDZaTFRUMTZESUZrYmJMcGREa3N4X2xWN3dTc1FxRVFKZ3JaMGhUNExzNmR0X3J5YWl6aUdjZmllcm1tUWNNZUh3aGJj |
YEAH? FUCK YOU!
Bonus points for the employee coming around to be like "Dude, stop." | r/screamingfish | comment | r/screamingfish | 2017-05-17 | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblFYdmtLckxWYnduelFyYnE4aHJlY0Ewck1SbVNHdGVjNWh1Q2dWcWl4UllfcG9ndjZmMXF0OFVUNkNIMVdSVHdpU0hZeDRxcmJmdGFvUEJZY0hLUGh6OEE9PQ== | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblNFOER4RGdpTUJYaERZYW5DUUJHREoyUmhkRFBOdmpvTkl2SG1HUnhJRnhPakJEMVk1bTA1ck9SanhnLW9KVDVPUUNBOFV2TkpYTnlCNHhFVDdQQjdySktJZU5xdHVzWU5XZFBjMmZsd0J5d1VzQjZSekxqOUJVdk1lOUtFWlNCd09VOFhrRF9TMTZMLUJnN0JnUVZSSWY4N3BWWDF2djEyS0ppSmVfTVhGUkJNPQ== |
https://open.spotify.com/album/2CMcFYuRWOdIo1aXS0m7f3 here is the link | r/staircasewit | post | r/staircasewit | 2017-05-17 | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblFYVlZ6SEpoTmNlT045bnVhZnhhRFVDLU84TE5xdFE3bm1fT3FVQU1YUk9WaWNXSDdVQXJMS2gzSWZ3U2Y3R0EyZmNDbnNlX1YyaWJVTmRaclJOTnRtRnc9PQ== | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblNFQjRCYVhzc19GUWZJblJORGhVeGlKb1FIMFZOWm5faVJkZnF2Zm1CWWFqeFVabVpJRHpTXzBMU0NiN0RiejdZYTlpeGpEcTQzQklpaDlHWi1oV0sxWjh1SENlZlhDdXk2NE9HUVBWTndDcHBhLUVMZmJCamdXcG9QXzYtanN0aHEyNEJDUXBVYzk3bjdwcFk2Qy1ZYU5GY0V0bEhGekRiWDI4VF8zTGttcHJ1YVlhRE0yZzh3R1k4OW1fUmpNY0ZJ |
YESSSSSSSS | r/hannahferguson | comment | r/HannahFerguson | 2017-05-19 | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblFYc2xlQTNEbXZMWVhYbkRsSGM1OWpWMnZIeVprZ00xOEYzS0hKdUVZUTBSbndQS2lia1RfMTRwakdFY3NyQWs3bDRfODR2SmtHMWhpcDZHd1hvTFhrU1E9PQ== | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblNFSUlPTHBxNHB4TThKRTdmZ1dQXzBta1N4QzdhZy1Yc2x1ZjVVMTRuUEVYTEdyUGZSb1FDS1RoREh4RGJ3b0ZkR1ZHalU4NlU4VFpJVUNJQkNqQkI5TlNycXc3VWgwaDA1Q0lFcU5qSnYzYWx6bWE1cTZuTHNSVnJuSE5JR3NGcWFHTkl0UlR1N24xZEFGaWJ3c2x4VUdNazY1UklyR2xpYUhEaEEzZGZOTHRoZlFTdXVULXhVYjUycTF0WVVKdmFjMUJOcmN3SFRSSHd4dUNUTEdNZEpaWlJzVGhzSmpLQ3diX0tYTDhwYUZucz0= |
Give a man enough time and he can build anything.
I wasn't sure how to start this story. It was between this and 'give a man enough time and he'll go bananas and do
really weird stuff'. Not much of a ring to that second one, so I went with the first.
Anyway, the first thousand years weren't that bad. I pretty soon realized the warden was also immortal, and he
realized the same about me, and we became friends.
"Can you, like, let me out of prison when everyone in the world dies?" I asked, those first few years. "That technically would count as a life sentence, right? And no one would know cause everyone who knew I was sentenced to life would be dead already."
"Sorry," the warden said. "Rules are rules."
My luck, right? The only other immortal person on the planet is my warden, and is a goody-good.
So he made it his mission to ensure that my life sentence was served. In his defense, immortality is insanely
boring, so I guess I became his project. Something to do. Fill your days. Life makes no sense. It doesn't matter. Anyway.
After the fall of the Roman Empire things got boring. The warden would visit me often and we'd play cards and
games and talk about politics and world affairs.
"What do you think of this feudalism thing?"
"It's a fad. Won't last."
Then, later:
"This Renaissance stuff is really strong lately, right?"
"Kids. It'll pass."
We'd talk about people. Celebrities.
"What's up with the Newton guy, huh?"
"Oh, please, give me a break. Gravity…. Yeah, invisible forces pushing and pulling us. Sounds like religion to me."
And:
"This Napoleon guy sure looks like he means business."
And:
"This Black Plague thing is really something, huh? Hope we don't get it."
"Tell me about it. Here, I brought you a pet rat from the sewers."
"Aww, that's sweet."
And so on and so forth.
After the Third World War there was a brief period of seven thousand years when we didn't speak (he took the aliens' side while I remained faithful to our kind the humans).
(To be fair, the aliens were right, with their whole 'universal-peace' project, and we exterminated them for no good reason.... but, like... I'm human, you know? What was I supposed to do.)
(I do feel guilty, though.)
We became friends again after the explosion of the sun, on the interstellar living facility.
"How many people live here?" I asked. I wasn't allowed to leave the facility prison, so I didn't know how many had
escaped Earth.
"About a million."
"Wow… that's like… Greek Empire numbers."
"We sure shrank."
We started on the Project around the end of the Seventh Age (mankind started counting time in Ages instead of years on account of the whole sun-exploding business). Worked on it all through the remaining days of mankind and the Others. All living things perishing around us. The warden started spending more and more time in the cell with me. He slept there often.
When all was cold and barren and lifeless but for us, when all was dark but the light inside my cell and him and I were all there was left gliding through the void, we finished it.
Minutes to go until the end. Heat death. Complete nothingness. The end of the world.
Me and the Warden. And our project.
A tiny little sphere, floating between us.
"You think it'll work?"
"We worked on it for billions of years," I said. "It better work."
He looked down at the model universe floating between us. All the same programing, the same coding. Helium,
carbon, matter, energy, the forces… gravity, electromagnetism.
We built a universe inside that cell. And it floated between us.
"Hey," the warden said. "It's deterministic, right? This universe?"
Outside, the universe blackened and darkened and the light inside the cell grew dimmer, and I could feel myself and
the warden fading, slowly, finally. Life is a joke.
"Yeah."
"So change the setting at the big bang, just a tweak. Can you do it?"
Silence. Darkness. Empty. We were dying at last. Horribly. Beautifully. Dying.
"Yeah. Change what?"
"Make it so when there's life…" The warden smiled. "There'll be two immortal dudes."
I shook my head. I smiled at the warden. Then I tweaked my universe and set it in motion, and all was dark and the
world ended.
And then it was born again.
| r/psycho_alpaca | post | r/psycho_alpaca | 2017-05-20 | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblFYX25PUVJFSWJnWElOZEtkVEFzbkViNWFrNUg0dERZdXpnb3ZjRVRnb216OWxJYS0yUVdUQkdPN3A3eTE4Ui16a2IzMjI3RGJuR1ptVVRWbW52SVRQaGc9PQ== | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblNFV1lFdjdSMDdXRVZUY2dqU3l1b1N6WS1aQW9ldFpDVlBfSWlzZV9lUHl5bE9kUXBTVnR2VW9qVkpwWl82WUJQZFJReWtiVUp2bVVhUmkyNEdzcmFmcElPRGJhbkxDZ0wxUVh2aGtNTEJ0Wm1hOHZ4Zko0NF9KWUV6ZGhKVFAwd3lMNF94Y1VpYkplMFZTZE8ycmxiZy1hWTF5UkYtNkVlY21udHVFbi1lZ0hnZUhwVTNkWUMtU0FreWlQWDhqakVzZXNJSkF5LUxRVmgtM3Z4NVRQVzhRQT09 |
Hi all! So glad to see people posting here. This subreddit is still a baby, but I thought I would add a casual rule when posting. If applicable, please be sure to include a link to a photo that relates to the question your asking. If you need help with a character, link to that character. If you need help with a sewing method, show what you're trying to replicate. This will help us be able to help you better! | r/cosplayhelp | post | r/CosplayHelp | 2017-05-22 | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblFYM0F3Q0lFN1BoZ3RMV1JJLXRXTFo1V215V3VyOFJxMURzbXpzV0RWdXZHaC1jVkpBcUhKMGtSeE9BUW1UaW5vbjR2TVkyRFlNTk1PdVhFa3N0UENQc1E9PQ== | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblNFSHY4aFJEOWE2MGM5dV9tUXJmTnZOd0IxNmwta3JZZkV4UWJWOTlLanRBRmNkTjhJbXFWMnVaN1oyYVkyQ3dadlB2cWhmZWtmVjBCNjUwYmh5VjY5cnk3Q3VUUXdxY0d1VkJCOVFBYXRBNmFmWHhRS2Y5a2RYcEVrRy1mdGVZVjZIeWhna0Q1N1VvNzB2RE9EaF9YbGh6MFE1V2szaHE1b0RzdlJIWXRWY200UDhVeU00eEExX3lIMlRmbks2V1ZZ |
"Come, you stupid camelid," I tell the actual alpaca version of me, as I guide it through the meadow field. "Let us walk."
"The sky looks weird, Psycho," Alpaca-me says, blinking. "It's redder than usual."
"Look. Let's focus. We have to get ourselves out of here."
"There's little swirling black clouds up there. I'm worried."
"There. There's a wise man in the middle of the road," I say. "He'll know what to do."
"I don't like this, dude," Alpaca-me says.
We reach the man. He wears old rags and he has a staff and deep, wrinkly eyes and a Bon Jovi 1994 World Tour
T-Shirt.
"What kind of prompt is this, old man?" I ask. By my side, Alpaca-me shivers, eyes on the stormy sky.
The old man looks up and when he speaks, it's in a thunderous voice. "You are at a crossroads, Psycho. I am an
ancient mage and I speak only in riddles, and you have to get the answers right, or you'll have to fight, fight like a
knight, deep into the night, where the moon shines so bright."
"That's not speaking in riddles, that's just rhyming," I say. "Also, don’t rhyme with 'ight'. It's like boiling ramen and
claiming you can make pasta. Technically you're right, but it's just lazy."
He drops the act. "All right, you're in a 'everybody-on-the-story-is-you' prompt," he says.
"I'm in a what?"
"Oh boy, we've gone meta already," Alpaca-me says.
"Everyone in the world is you with a different look," the old man says. "Even me. That's why your alpaca is called
Alpaca-you. And I'm Old-Man-You."
"Fuck, I knew it," I say. "Wait… that's that short story 'The Egg', though, right?"
"I'd call it derivative, but it's not *exactly* the same. It depends on your execution."
I look up. The sky darkens and swirls, and Alpaca-me looks worried.
"Okay. So you're me," I tell the old man. "Right?"
"Right."
"Then… I guess you'll have some nugget of wisdom to offer me about my future." I pause. "Like… some vaguely
pseudo-philosophical bullshit about growing old or whatever?"
"Huh…" the old man-me seems a bit lost. "Sure. Sure. Yeah."
"All right, lay it on me."
He pauses. Then he says, "Never wipe in public restrooms."
I wait.
"What?"
"Always bring your own toilet paper," he says. "Even if it's just a few squares. Public toilet paper… you just don't
know where it's been. You don't want that on your ass."
"Oh, boy," Alpaca-me says.
"You're kidding me! I'm dragged from my house all the way to a 'everyone-is-me' prompt to meet an ancient old drifter version of me and his advice is 'don't use public toilet paper'?"
"Also, wearing two condoms at an interplanetary orgy in the Andromeda galaxy will *not* stop you from getting space-herpes."
"Okay, that didn't even make any sense."
"Oh, it will once humanity discovers faster than light travel and you discover alien booze."
"Psycho, I really don't like this," Alpaca-me says, "we need to get out of here."
"Jesus Christ, Alpaca-me, give me a minute to think, we can't just –" I pause. "Wait."
"What?"
"What the hell are *you* doing in this story?"
Alpaca-me looks confused. "What?"
"You weren't relevant at all so far. You're just casting weird looks at the sky. Why are you even here?"
"I don't know. Wait. This is one of those 'everyone-is-you' prompts, right?"
"Right."
"Ask author version of you then."
"Good thinking. Hey, Psycho-author, why is there an actual alpaca in this story?"
I honestly don't know. It was supposed to be more important to the story, but then the old man showed up and I kind of forgot about the actual alpaca.
"Seriously?" the alpaca says, hurt. "You breed me into existence and you forget about me!?"
I tried turning you into a sort of silly version of Morty, you know, from Rick and Morty, but then there was no
punchline for that other than having Rick and Morty actually show up from a portal and claim this is just a version
of the universe where there are infinite versions of me, including an actual alpaca that acts like Morty the fictional
character. But I didn't want to turn this into cheap Rick and Morty fanfic.
"Well, you're talking to your characters in the middle of the story now!" The old man me yells. "Don't you think that's kind of rude!?"
"Hey, don't talk to me like that!" I say.
Who said that!?
"It was me!" I say. "Actual you version."
I'm actual me version.
"No, you idiot. Actual you inside the story. The narrator you," I say. "You are author-you. I am narrator-you."
I see.
"So I have no purpose!?" Alpaca-me says, in tears.
"Welcome to the club, pal," Old-man me says.
"Can we focus on the problem, please!?" I say. "This story has no ending!"
"This story has no story," the old man me says. "It's basically a deranged writer talking to himself at this point."
"Oh, boy!" Alpaca-me says. "That sky is looking awfully bad!"
"What's up with the sky, author!?" I ask. "You've been setting it up since the first paragraph. Maybe something can
happen there."
"Yeah!" old-man says. "Anything. Cause this is getting ridiculous."
Up above their heads, the clouds are red and they flash in thunderous lighting. The clouds swirls in a maelstrom
and hang low, casting shadows upon the Earth.
They wait. Nothing happens.
"Well?" I ask. "Okay… and?"
Give me a fucking minute!
"Oh, this is precious. The dude sets up a stormy sky from paragraph one and he has no idea why," I say. "I can't
believe this."
"You know what, Psycho?" Old-man-me says. "Remind me never to come to a meta story again."
"Oh, I will. I won't be attending the next affair either. This sucks. It sucks!" He repeats, looking around, trying to
find the author.
"I don't like the way this sky is looking one bit, Psycho!" Alpaca-me says.
"Shut up, Alpaca!" the two yell back, in unison.
And then…
Ah, fuck it. Then a portal opens up in the sky and actual Rick and Morty come and, you know, tell everyone this is a
universe in which there are infinite versions of me and…
Well, you get the picture. I'm very sorry. | r/psycho_alpaca | post | r/psycho_alpaca | 2017-05-26 | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblFYX2V4VW9qLWJoWlY0NUVNUzZtRmh1YVNCcGoyV2o0T0xIWU4xV3ZuQVdWOWpRVkxmY21YTS1ZbEtnTWlacVZ2WllUWk9mbEs1X2xLN3FveE5FMUdnSEE9PQ== | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblNFRUxSWGxPenV5cElEMTZIcHpTQjdrNFNTNVByVFRjeEFnNlZzYm15eWhMZWJhOWpBc1BPVVBaQkMtTlVlNE9aZnYzaW5Qc2lOUVdCVldjVjFyUTVuXzQ2V3JWQk9jZ1A3eV9IbWs4ZTBJblFhR1BQejdldXNxZmtlbG5XWVJyNklMVWhHVGt2cWJzOXpacWVVazNXZnh5NHlmbUtMRVVmN2ttSWZ1ZGlDN3llNmVmQlQyWVdsNWVTV3F2TkR2WTNsOFZKYnlCT3c5Q0oySW1JQzV5Wl9vQT09 |
Be the change you want to see.
"But why don't you do someth--"
If you can dream it, you can achieve it
"😐" | r/projectenrichment | comment | r/ProjectEnrichment | 2017-05-27 | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblFYSnM2NkVjSUlMOE40eFFqekJ2ejVoVGQxdW1TbndvUjdYTTZ4aC1wNEQ5LXhHNnpEeERCVXBSYTNEYjd6Vm1TNzJIMkdzcEdzVFF0YndXaDk0TGhaOVE9PQ== | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblNFZmJmblFhcEFFQ2p5cHVNREJfZXJVYmdDWEVVZjhRWXpIT1hpRmZxd0VlbEFXTVpYQ0lOTldOcW1pVlpVc2pVNDVuc2FpS2wxaFlGZWRnbUJXWWkzM29KSUJKZkFyTHZIbFhrM0h1Q2dfMExYa19mMDkxYVd6UWxlQVpma2pkQnFaTzRFelZla3IzaWt0VWNfdUZVdFNrLWY2M2VacTJIYzNlcTBHck42MXlpSzNrMGlyYkNiQS1iMTJkX0V1enFf |
Last year, I tried incorporating three new beneficial habits each month. I do believe that changing your habits can change your life. Thank you for the post! Hopefully, I will find some interesting and unexpected ideas. These are some of the things I hope I would learn or start doing in 2017:
Learn Italian Improve my posture Learn to cook three basic sauces Get back in shape after giving birth. | r/projectenrichment | comment | r/ProjectEnrichment | 2017-05-27 | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblFYRXZBUk52UkpneWVvSkxLSUJ6ak81MnozYWQxd0dTYmNLUy11dkZNSzh3RndKeXBHSTJ1cHF4aHZNb1dveThHU1IxS0FkQW9IX3p6WVh4ZVlaQmNaeGc9PQ== | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblNFTzk2WnE5OE4xLXo4Sm12SUZXNnp3MGEyb0QwVmNGT211cEdVWkZJcmVFVHhWcnlYV0ctVkU3MUI4c3BlQmRvb2lwZ0c0OVpUYXd5QklVT3ZvS29aa2ZyN3NOc1diWjItWnlyNm56Nm5zR2VjSTI5T3F5Q3lNSjUxdGN3dkFGbHRRSXhkcmEzZl8wZDFEUExxdHVnRExzQ3hIbE0tbmFwbERwbEh4S0tLcXV2Y0tXTV8zbWplbVU5RERJamlSN0tM |
Week 1: cut down to 1 soda per day. | r/projectenrichment | comment | r/ProjectEnrichment | 2017-05-28 | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblFYb193SmRnVDRoclNyMWNqVU1UY05zWlF4SDZGMFNmb2hkWlE2MHhKdlZRU0hvay0wRjA5WEZSQ0cxaV9lOWVxaDNIMTcyLThKbVBYQl9VcS1iX0RhU2c9PQ== | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblNFejcycEk5cW5Qdmp4TTQyTW5JZ0g2VmJtQlhHcGNaUmtZRXN3eks0eEJSaEN6b1VyaDJlVHlRQzV6UEstRHh0MmNHMnZIcGc4TlFTRU0wWDdKLVFHVl8zUGs4QkxKbzl0VU9yck1ubVZ6WFRCWVRIZGxIbi15X0VyYXFzWi1tUWZoUG5fd2lpWlo0WUlQbEVJVDVYRFFRb180VllKVlZ2MkpROFVDd0lNeGFhUFp3YXRLLWpRLWdUcGlLd0dXaWNy |
I am going to finish reading the book on my nightstand - it's been there since Christmas and I'm attending a signing by the author in June - so now would be a great time to finish reading it.
[edit] Well, I finished the book! Can't believe it only took an hour and a half - that has been on my to do list for 5 months. Big feeling of accomplishment to cross that off my list! | r/projectenrichment | comment | r/ProjectEnrichment | 2017-05-28 | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblFYR3VfR3lXMmVBUWlrbm9HWHA1WGo3MFlwdUJBR1hudGU5RzVGM2ZxMVlVY09TcTJISWVtNy10ekVYb2FKejdDNTNnTnlBSVRRZzB5NTRSdTJVUXRrS1E9PQ== | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblNFZHhCYVJ1QWdIckh6Y2wyaWczVnNfbVVQbUhoWTFjLVNLSjN5dE1kM2tYRTd2a1hJazlVeTdnbHA5S2Y0RnRCSHZsd19DWjlCZlJyWGRqanZWQWFnT2JQaXlKUWg5UHRORmUyb1ZoU2lTQU9pMVBScXRlNUR3MmtmRkhUNEdMS0tEWHNsb05IbDVqVVVTUnR1RTBLdGFYb1VQZWhOOVU4Q0lMWVJtTEZrVW42S2NUWEdIa0ZGZEV1UGRGTm00cGNv |
X-Post referenced from [/r/therewasanattempt](http://np.reddit.com/r/therewasanattempt) by /u/IHaeTypos
[To eat his cookie](http://np.reddit.com/r/therewasanattempt/comments/6dtz63/to_eat_his_cookie/)
*****
^^I ^^am ^^a ^^bot. ^^I ^^delete ^^my ^^negative ^^comments. ^^[Contact](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=OriginalPostSearcher) ^^| ^^[Code](https://github.com/papernotes/Reddit-OriginalPostSearcher) ^^| ^^[FAQ](https://github.com/papernotes/Reddit-OriginalPostSearcher#faq) | r/futureworldleaders | comment | r/futureworldleaders | 2017-05-29 | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblFYcG44SkpaOU1NNmcyQzdsem1mYUEySGRjVjdUOWlrNjhzUzYxaGhrY2tnWWZYbmUwT0l5RTVQVnMyVFhCajNUR2JfTC12bHVwRGxZS0FTY09qT3htWTZGTHpfdDZYN1FndnVKZ0NWemJzSFU9 | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblNFR0NSSU03QzhnREhfSkhqRUVTVEZtRkRYbGN3cXBxZFRGYndUNkxfYTFhX0F5c2dvY2Noc3d3RlNJZV92OEJlWEg1NW8tWmJkQzBwOVVfTjNlemJSdXp5Vm8wcndYbmtYRXlFdmhETUUtVUlpQVFmYWJFbDctSVZxWDRjVUFFbDZhcVZEWnBCYjBqMm9FOU5sa1NqVWJfTXFoOV9Dclp5UHlqajJvZDBUR1hyNVNCZnZmcGdBWW1ZT1NIck9zNFl6YWpHQzZSbnFDRFN4bHA0WmVUMUJ3UT09 |
This like putting a cone on a dog. | r/futureworldleaders | comment | r/futureworldleaders | 2017-05-30 | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblFYeXBkZWFyVmQxVXJ6Rl94WEFtaW5lTkxBNm5Qa1JHaGFWTzNfVlFJX0ZrVlYwOTJhMHFHZm95M0dzMUIzWWJfRUhsbVpqbGZ0X09uaUQzY2ZxSW1hOVE9PQ== | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblNFeTdfbkxKVzhlbmJWU0toUG55ZlZmRkQ0UXh0Q2loM1hFZGhjcEYyX1JFUDd1YUt0a0laVWNXckRhd1FCMjZVT2JrMzJ1NGZfN0dOcE1Tei1qWW0zUDRxM0RZd1VnSmh2NmljVHc3QndaMl94QW10SHVONFp0SVZoYXV6ZUhxOWU1Q1hUZ2JSeVhyd0xmb2x6Wm9tUU1KN012Y3VremhXX1haSXZEVER0elZmbkJfU3dDNFVkbE5yek1UcGNKNTJzemhiQll6ZWcwSHZka2FsY0l5bmtKZz09 |
Thanks for the links! In regard to the hygiene, last year I learned to floss. (It is not very common in my country.) I feel great, but sadly I am unable to find any other equally important habit I could develop. | r/projectenrichment | comment | r/ProjectEnrichment | 2017-05-30 | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblFYZWlSQWdzdXBmM2trcUNQc2ZJd3FTbXdQUlR0Umo1UGJLaGEwNTRodHBLOEk4VVpSMGt1NjRMSDQyeTRRX285QUJlNUhjSFB0VVBPbzNtUUJqOXB2MUE9PQ== | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblNFVng5aENXNkR3X2J1Z25YN20xcG9oVXVvcVVTZ09xQkgxVUZqVHJac0NPNDV1OVJXWTA5aUpfTXVzWWFnOTdGeHM1X3lxdTV6OGVqdmM3NExwU3BMblRPdUZUaVBiR1dkRE0xLXFvYkRzeGJ5eWUwQm90bnVQM1BBUjBGVUpVRlFiV0ctRG5lVjVaWHc1ZDVmTXEteWZUZ0hZOGlfcVlwTUl5X2syX3RKaDRZTmVMNkwyejZhSDNZRVB5MVpfRTFJ |
Great goal! That would cut down your calorie intake and improve your health. If you want, you can try substituting them with any of your favorite non-fizzy drinks - water, milk, juices, tea. In a couple of weeks, the desire should disappear. Good luck | r/projectenrichment | comment | r/ProjectEnrichment | 2017-05-30 | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblFYdVVPaDMtN2NuY0RFTE1wUi1wbDVWZ19DN1d2Y1E0ZUUtSWZHcUh6WEN0TTlGYjBqbjFwQ29HLW5Md1ZFTzVKMkZtaXc0RWlZYkg5QTZOVklialg5TUE9PQ== | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblNFTk9NenFlcEpmbDdmbVM0Z1VnZWdNSEtXc2kzUGUwOGZJUlV4NnVRVlplSTlQUURlMmpDbHl6N24wTWZjZGVRdzhFenI0Qko4SkUxVFRreGUzN3MtcjlmdjFMTXdzbk5iaGZyMGZ1U0VDTEZreXJiSXE5VHd6VDljOTJxSFdjV3pyLWxjLXBVd0c2NVN1YnB0N0QwbUVvSGc0ZWlWbFN5WUxqOS1INjBkU094amJEaXBzbUExRDg1WUw3ZUwwX2tN |
*This is in reference to [Ubisoft's new logo](https://i.imgur.com/4QZtZDN.jpg). Dogs don't go to heaven because they aren't baptized and have sex before getting married. Happy reading!*
_____
The Director of Design storms into the large office. "Guys, we made a pile of shit."
"I thought we agreed not to talk about The Division on Fridays."
"No, no. We made a *literal* pile of shit. Our new logo."
"It's not a pile of shit. Come on."
"It is a pile of shit. As seen from above. See?"
"….oh."
"Yeah. We need a new one."
"You think people are gonna notice it?"
"I can see it."
"Me too."
"Yeah, but because someone pointed it out to us. What if we didn't know it looked like a pile of shit? Could we have come to the conclusion ourselves?"
"Well, it's hard for me now, because I know it looks like a pile of shit."
"Yeah, I can't unsee it either."
"We better get a new one just to be safe."
"We *just* released this one, though. Isn't it going to look bad!?"
"As bad as a literal pile of shit?"
"Hey, what's up guys! Isn't it Friday? I thought we weren't allowed to talk about --"
"Sam, good, you're here. Come. Check out our new logo."
"Huh. Cool."
"What does it look like?"
"…. a shell? A storm? I don't know."
"Shell… storm… anything else coming to mind?"
"… maybe one of those fossil Pokemon?"
The men smile. "All right, I guess we're good. We'll keep it."
"You sure no one's gonna notice it, sir?"
"... tell you what... we'll check Reddit in a couple of hours. If anyone knows a good pile of shit, it's those guys."
_____
*Also, there is a new Patreon-exclusive story at my [Patreon page](https://www.patreon.com/psycho_alpaca), so go check it out if you're a supporter. If you're not, consider becoming one -- you get exclusive stories and the undying love of a struggling author! Plus, a neat flair.* | r/psycho_alpaca | post | r/psycho_alpaca | 2017-06-01 | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblFYdEFHOW9fM0cyZ2trMFJCUHVySmpIenczbWlqWEoxR1dwZG5PNTNXTkxQVV9fZW41bGpCSjJ4RnA5TklvQ2ZTejFWT0dIczBBVGlMY1JEdUVVLXpxUVE9PQ== | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblNFTlBFdms1NU9jUHJialkzbXFyVkJvaTdab3g1NG96Z0dtQ1QtOFEtUTFCcmlBY1UzWTNuZU5HM2xILWNWOUgtM1VhdnBCc3ZnSExPNVBYYnNZbzRnT2x6TnNkRDNMVHV3TnlldE5icGFsTU0ydU5jdHY2cWtnTk1JbVNkTUZ5OG13ME5tbkFOQV9DcGJoUVpCN2JzMkNsTnV3NklFMzZyMmpVMDFIZVU4SFZGcExIREJWVzRxUW04WmFoaFg4YkVpWTJvSDl0c0RSZlc0LVNFbXVNbGcydz09 |
She is good looking | r/lizzycaplan | comment | r/LizzyCaplan | 2017-06-01 | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblFYQ002bkVrMk1OQk5rQTZjLUVJQlFLR2lIck44SVhuWEF4MkFJN0Y2VkFGTTdYTXYyYlkyTjk2VUdFSFdaV09XczIzN1BWdWZJRF9FWkYxa0MtZ1ZKcWc9PQ== | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblNFai1vVTJrZnpZNGc3N1JWSWhzLXRFWVN5M3Fmb3pYTHNPVElSeUVkNDVzbUhHOXpUeFFrOEoybEdtN3ZpclhaRUJPaUk5MU14d2JOalNMOFZGR0tqOWhmUkJSY2tFUW1DSTlULXdfamR1aDRNVUVFUVRCQVRuQmpSMmVZalp1emxnZXpTTXJ4TkNLcVZvTjV3QjV6a3ZDS3A0X0h3Qm1zNGhnbGQtSHdtTHIwUUZGclF6TGs3eXQ1dEtrdmZ4MExN |
"Look! I told you! The red and black flag!"
Jim jumped forward, but before he could leap from behind the rock and into the clear, Ed pulled him back by the shirt. "Stay put! We don't know what's out there!"
"But it's them. It's the resistance!"
"We don't know that."
Around them, the scenery was barren and lifeless. Going by the scattered half-buildings and the cracked, rotten highways snaking up on both sides like dorsal spines of some ancient beast, Ed guessed they were at the outskirts of San Francisco.
It was hard to tell, though. The Invaders lived up above the clouds, so they had very little restraint about bombing the whole planet to help with their genocidal project. Now everywhere pretty much looked the same -- especially at night.
"I'm telling you Ed, that building is where the resistance is!" Jim argued, peeking over at the seemingly-abandoned
building fronted by the mythical red and black flag. "The whole point of us leaving home was so we could try to find
them, so what are we waiting for!?"
Ed looked. It really looked like the flag people described. But was the resistance real? Could they really offer
protection? Were they really fighting the invaders, like people talked about in hushed whispers – when there were
people to talk?
Ed only had Jim in the world, and Jim only had him. They had to be careful.
"You think *he* is there?" Jim asked. "You know… the grandson of the –"
"I know who you're talking about," Ed said. "Keep your voice down. And I don't know. As far as I know he doesn't
even exist."
If the resistance had the airs of an urban legend, its leader was almost a myth – with the stories of his
superhuman skills with explosives and vehicle and machine crafting and –
"What was his name? The leader?" Jim hushed. "I forgot… it was –"
"Savage." The voice came from behind them in a grim, low screech, like metal against metal. "The third."
They turned to find a man of light red hair standing shirtless between them, thick-framed glasses around his eyes and two sticks of dynamite tucked on the rim of his ripped jeans like pistols.
"Oh, shit," Ed said. "He's real."
Inside the building, Savage told them to wait while he arranged some things.
"We're planning a sneak attack against the Invaders," he said, as he put together two backpacks filled with guns,
ammo and knives. Ed wondered vaguely if they were for him and Jim. "And we can always use more manpower.
Unless you're siding with the aliens." He paused and turned.
After a moment, Ed shook his head. "No, sir. We wanna help." Jim agreed in silence.
"Good. Then you got yourselves a first mission." He walked toward the boys, but did not give them the backpacks.
"We need a certain kind of explosive to make our way through the Invaders' external walls. Ironically, it's nothing high tech, but old technology. A certain chemical that was found in World War I grenades. We've been delaying this attack for months because we couldn't find it anywhere. But now… we know who has it."
Ed and Jim waited.
"Here." He gave the boys the two backpacks. "When he arrives, you two offer them the backpacks as payment.
And pray he takes it."
Ed and Jim took the backpacks, unsure. "Wait… who is this guy? Should we be scared?"
"He's a trader. Famous in the underworld. He's not dangerous but he… well, let's say bargaining runs in his family."
Just as Savage finished the words, a loud bang brought Ed and Jim's eyes to the sliding metal doors behind them.
Savage walked past the fire-lit cans and the other members towards the door, then stopped.
"You go outside," he told the boys. "And pray he's more merciful with kids."
The doors rolled open as Savage pulled the chain, and then, with a nudge, he guided the two boys outside.
"Good luck," he said, then went back inside and the metal door shut behind Ed and Jim.
For a second, no one showed up. Ed began to wonder if maybe the knocking hadn't been an animal, or worse… an
invader.
But just then a figure emerged from the sandy fog in the darkness of the desert ahead of them. He wasn't talk. He
was completely bald, a bit fat, and he wore a short-sleeved black shirt and had a big smile across his face.
The man stopped in front of them. He took the backpacks without a word, still smiling. He analyzed their contents.
Only then did Ed see the name on his army dog tag:
"R. Harrison The Third – Las Vegas, Nevada"
Rick Harrison looked up, locked eyes on Ed and Jim and remained quiet for a long time. Behind him, an old man and a fat dude emerged from the fog, waiting, arms crossed.
Finally, Rick said, "Best I can do is fifty bucks and a Barnes and Noble certificate."
They were doomed.
| r/psycho_alpaca | post | r/psycho_alpaca | 2017-06-02 | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblFYOVk0YmlSX0RtTldtMVpEdHI0Y1FnOTMwOTNRZ2N3SVdfOHVodFRrSU8yWExQejExQUVwNF9MbDVZZlZuTWVXbjZnYjl1Wm1wLVFHOHZXSGpQM0JlNEE9PQ== | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblNFc3JtZ3JST0FTdFAwRDBFRXV2cFpSc0F6MzZZOGpiMFl4MHc2RkpYMXU1dzlTUUxfdVNqWUVndjZEdV9udW8xS1lsX3Ryc3VHdS1mSmlUdkFld200VEZzdGp2RmNreXp1Zlk0eTRkR25KTmRNeFhwU191YTlBRWF1djZrcUJlajNiRk93WmQ0MXZhQkhjWm12ZDJ1TDFPMm9HSzMwY3hGMkgwOTNCcFhiSFhIZTluLU8wSFlETjVGaWpNci0xUHc1Qi02d1dGTW5yc2RpM0NQdzJWMTBRZz09 |
X-Post referenced from [/r/instant_regret](http://np.reddit.com/r/instant_regret) by /u/iBleeedorange
[Little girl imitates mommy](http://np.reddit.com/r/instant_regret/comments/6eyedw/little_girl_imitates_mommy/)
*****
^^I ^^am ^^a ^^bot. ^^I ^^delete ^^my ^^negative ^^comments. ^^[Contact](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=OriginalPostSearcher) ^^| ^^[Code](https://github.com/papernotes/Reddit-OriginalPostSearcher) ^^| ^^[FAQ](https://github.com/papernotes/Reddit-OriginalPostSearcher#faq) | r/futureworldleaders | comment | r/futureworldleaders | 2017-06-03 | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblFYMHNMZVYyVUFnZ253amtYYnV1R0QtV1NaM3NKa1NpdzVuR3dkOVBaR0VsNXkzRUVjWUQ5ekdhNnR0Zm1yVjYzU1Y2aFI0eVR5a28wcFlXME13M3NIZEVrN2tGOThWNWFHMnBHVl9vMEphekk9 | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblNFQi1kdHhrVHFJSEN4Ry1VRWhVX1RXYmNhQ0ZIZUNaMnYyU0xIZXpjWEItamFCMklmUkFPR2lsdExSd2V0UHNkT3J3R256NFhYZXVJZlM2ZEJqekN1XzFsd3dLeWVtREtfbEJOOGg5VGpfMmFtNUZQOHhEYWVhbnBQTTRsLU5Rbjh5ZGxZNWRRNTc3dUEwQlRJVkJBQTcyMF9nQXdIdXJhbXlqaXhKTlJjX0hjVjBkS2I0bmh2TC0zcVRPMkRKalJVVlFfQzNLVVNHR001VGJBd3BBVGF4QT09 |
Aww she just wanted to help :( | r/futureworldleaders | comment | r/futureworldleaders | 2017-06-03 | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblFYVTJ6NWhpRzZZYzNTcDc2TmlMWXd2emtCekRCNm5lYkpCOEdocERXbDl4X1ZfZHBEWkdxaUVQTENwUE1LZUhnZGR5dklGZ25fNGpUaFA1Y0ZINlVnVmc9PQ== | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblNFSDlheWUxUmxvaHZhX0VYdmIzcmJpd3lRTDN3SThuekZ5Ulk1b1BVZGdUV3ZiSzJRTjN0SC1lSms3Z3hRcDJYZS1tRzhtc1BGcTRhYjBadl9Hb1FHcTgxRW8yeG1KbXVHa29GODhGVHJJN1dRMDRvYktSTkxHU2Y3eUd5c2ZURldiWFJReVJCQnh1MEZXa1c5TDBsdFM5bUxPdC0wWUtjdjJTeEhpS3lERVZ3X3dtMmdtOGdBVjYycWtDZ0N4UXdZZkEwaE50SlBMWmUyelF3Tmh4eldkQT09 |
Wow, I was just curious what kind of person would hate kids being clueless, and your post history is quite something. Satanist, pedophile, general assholery, victim complex, threats of violence, etc. And I didn't even look past the first page.
You need some serious therapy. | r/futureworldleaders | comment | r/futureworldleaders | 2017-06-03 | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblFYWmJfOWdVSkgxWUNORjE2dnpIWDBNMldrRzdyekN5OTJJTi1xbFVUQjNFSzcycVVobElNRENuZ0JyYWFLWFo4WDhKN2x2V29RWW5JM2IzclE5RWtIbkE9PQ== | Z0FBQUFBQm5tblNFV3RuMkdJQ2pra2kzRjJ3eGdmRjg2RWRkZTF0b2JCWTdkMHJ1MndGYVJVclREVlAtalhnU0RHeW4takgwWUZPSDV5anctWC1RLVR4TGVMT0FHeHVrRUdmNXNKSm1qVGwxUm5fZVpZVkozRzBZLWRvTkJTMURSQ3AyUi1sS1o0enRfaDZ0MTc4U3BkczUxYlVtY3M4VklCUGFkdUNpNndIcVl4elJGb1dLMDByRWI1Z19PN2ljazRJaFRVX0hmTnhvWXJCMDYzYlpJVGpsTEpJSkx1UllNZz09 |
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