ysharma/short_jokes · Datasets at Hugging Face

ID int64 1 232k	Joke stringlengths 10 200
230,401	I heard the fork was having an affair with the knife... Or is it too spoon to bring that up?
230,402	Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don't use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
230,403	Actual Critic Armani blazer: 20k Gucci shoes: 15k Tag Heuer watch: 50k Friend meets you and says "Looking Idiot" - Priceless
230,404	why didn't the cannibal want to be late to dinner? Because he didn't want to get the cold shoulder.
230,405	The local pedophile claims he got a perfect score on his SAT back in the day. Said it was as easy as giving candy to a baby.
230,406	what's that lassie? "Bark" Timmy's in a well? "Bark" and he's jerkin it? "Bark" he's looking at what?! "Bark" dude I've heard enough
230,407	What do you call Hitler in the water? Adolfin. Stolen from /u/NightRedditor423
230,408	Remember that someone out there is thinking of you right now, figuring out how to make your death look like an accident.
230,409	My friend is addicted to Time-Travelling But he reckons he can stop at any time.
230,410	What is a lesbians favorite day of the week? Tuesday
230,411	If I'd had a nickel for every time I've been financially irresponsible... I'd probably still be in debt right now.
230,412	Twitter takes me places I've never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
230,413	How did Mary fall off the swing? She had no arms
230,414	I saw santa fucking my mom. To get back at him i decided to poison his cookies. Somehow the bastard found out and killed my dad.
230,415	A man is making moonshine. But the machine isn't working. He goes to see his friend Gino. Gino looks at the machine and says "That's cause it's a still!"
230,416	Two cannibals are sitting around eating dinner. One begins to complain to the other, "You know, I really don't like my mother in law." "Then just eat the noodles."
230,417	Why doesn't money bring happiness? Because if you have a billion dollars, almost anyone will be a bitch.
230,418	Black Lives Matter. Of course they do. How else would we keep score?
230,419	I remember when a minimum wage job was a stepping stone, not a career.
230,420	I used to be in a band called The Prevention We hoped people would say we were better than The Cure.
230,421	I went all around town looking for an optometrist's office when, at long last, I found one. It was a site for sore eyes.
230,422	They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he's black.
230,423	What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass? A mechanic.
230,424	If bars can say no to drunk people why won't McDonalds say no to fat people?
230,425	Remember when you thought if you accidentally swallowed apple seeds, a tree would grow in your belly? God I miss my 'Thirties'....
230,426	A Mexican plays uno, And steals all the green cards..
230,427	What goes up and never comes down in college your debt
230,428	In Newcastle, England many people don't like to live above the seventh floor in a tower block They have a fear of Eights
230,429	Life is like a box of chocolates It ends sooner for fat people.
230,430	There are two goldfishes in a bowl. There are two goldfishes in a fish bowl. One says to the other, "Trevor, why do the humans think us fish are stupid?" Trevor says, "Sorry, who are you again?"
230,431	Coconut oil on my dry skin this winter has made me attractive to women. Problem is the chocolate from the Mounds bars is ruining my clothes.
230,432	Old joke, now with new offensive punchline. My grandfather died at Auschwitz. He had a heart attack while raping a 12 year old Jewish girl.
230,433	"If all your friends jumped" 'Yes' "But if they" 'Yes' "But" 'IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I'M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
230,434	Imagine if things had been reversed. We'd be eating Lou Gehrig candy bars and getting Babe Ruth's disease.
230,435	Did you hear about the shooting at the blind school? They never saw it coming.
230,436	Childbirth Around 0AD childbirth was fraught with danger, but luckily for Jesus he was born in a stable condition
230,437	Where does the midget pizza chef with epilepsy work? Little seizures
230,438	Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
230,439	Do people who use handkerchiefs know they don't have to hang on to the things that come out of their nose?
230,440	Why does Beyonce say "to the left, to the left"? Because black people have no rights.
230,441	A man walks up to the counter at the airport. "Can I help you?" asks the agent. "I want a round trip ticket" says the man. "Where to?" asks the agent. "Right back to here."
230,442	What did Captain Kirk find at the end of the rainbow? a LepreKHAAAAAAN!
230,443	PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
230,444	Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for 10 mins and come out wrinkle free and 2 sizes smaller...
230,445	How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? None, because they can't climb the social ladder.
230,446	Definition of a Masochist... Definition of a Masochist: *"Beat me! Beat me!"* Definition of a Sadist: *"No!"*
230,447	Why do soccer players not play in the rain? It makes their makeup run.
230,448	BREAKING NEWS Ne ws
230,449	What Roman dictator suffered from Epilepsy? Julius Seizure.
230,450	What is the difference between a Snowman and a Snow-woman? Snowballs.
230,451	Why do liberal courts don't work? Because they don't like to judge anyone.
230,452	I applied to Hogwarts the a few weeks back. Unfortunately, I didn't get accepted. Figured I could just Slytherin.
230,453	Why do Black people prefer big asses? Because they have a bigger machine to ride ( )
230,454	I'm not racist! I have like 3 friends! And five of them are black.
230,455	[day 1] hello, world [day 2] bit less wobbly today [day 7] making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho [day 26] turns out i'm a hippo
230,456	This father says to his son, "Stop playing with yourself you'll go blind." The son says, "I'm over here, dad."
230,457	wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok? me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on! wife:9, you're in charge
230,458	What is a penguin? A swallow that kept eating after 6pm.
230,459	What hood was the Swedish cholo from? StockHOLMES!
230,460	How do gay people float? Flambuoyancy.
230,461	How do French girls hold their liquor? By the ears
230,462	Why did the French fry call the police? Because it was a(salt)ted.
230,463	It's like my Uncle said, no body, no crime Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was...
230,464	I don't know how to spell Armaggedon But who cares - it's not the end of the world!
230,465	A guy who wears a ring is always a dealbreaker. If it's on his ring finger, he's married. If it's not, he's a guy who wears rings.
230,466	i bet today is the most confusing day in harlem!
230,467	Soviet Monopoly "Go to gulag! Go directly to gulag! Do not pass go, do not collect food stamps and vodkac
230,468	Why hasn't Kim Kardashian seen her asshole lately? He's on tour.
230,469	Homeless girl I asked a pretty, young, Homeless woman if I could take her home, and she said yes with a big smile. The look on her face soon changed when I walked off with her cardboard box.
230,470	Man escapes from insane asylum, and has sex with a girl in a laundry mat. The newspaper the next day reads: "Nut screws washers and bolts." Edit: Error in title: laundromat*.
230,471	Had my son's hearing tested because he's always yelling. Turns out he's just an asshole :(
230,472	Why are Jews so rich? They are always looking for prophets.
230,473	Why couldn't the rabbit fly home for Easter? He didn't have the hare fare.
230,474	You should really eat more turnips. They're really healthy Turnip, for what?
230,475	When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don't move, it can't see me.
230,476	What's a space pirate's favorite planet? mArrrs!
230,477	What was left after the explosion at a French cheese factory Des Brie
230,478	What is Forrest Gump's computer password? 1forrest1
230,479	Think about something positive! What's the first thing that comes to your mind? My HIV test.
230,480	[God creating hairless cats] How about some foreskin with night vision.
230,481	"I wanna know who is responsible for this!" nn-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
230,482	Someone figured out my password. Now I have to rename my dog.
230,483	First they came for the Fight Club members, but I said nothing, because...you know...rules.
230,484	Guy: Can I buy you a drink? Girl: Sorry, but alcohol is bad for my legs. Guy: Do they swell? Girl: No. They spread
230,485	What does the man say when he walks into the bar? "Can I please get a drink?"
230,486	Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet 4yo: Me: ....... 4yo:......... Me : 4yo : but I don't have any other feet Me : fair enough --__--
230,487	Me to waitress: "Do you have frog legs?" Her response: "Yes.." Me: "Then hop on back to the kitchen and get me a steak"
230,488	Do you think you'd make a good sniper? [ ] Yes [ ] No
230,489	What do you call a room full of men watching the Super Bowl on a big screen TV? The Patriots
230,490	My wife and I were discussing people owning weird animals... and she said, "I've always wanted to get a manatee." I said, "That's very kind of you. I will take it with two sugars."
230,491	I've got a problem with people who are into BDSM I just want to strangle them.
230,492	When bae starts to age... She turns beige.
230,493	Angry Stair Why was the stair frustrated and angry? It was tired of being stepped on by everyone!
230,494	Why do they put cotton in pill bottles? To remind black people they were slaves before they became drug dealers.
230,495	What is the difference between a duck? One leg is both the same.
230,496	Doctor doctor my baby's swallowed a watch! Give it some Epsom Salts: that should help it pass the time.
230,497	Baby, I hope you are an ISO file cuz I wanna mount you.
230,498	Which drink makes a Gorilla feel tipsy? An ape-ricot sour!
230,499	"Pika pika pika!" [translated] "I'm sorry, children. Your father was stolen by a Pokemon trainer who has to beat a child named Gary."
230,500	You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.

230,401

I heard the fork was having an affair with the knife... Or is it too spoon to bring that up?

230,402

Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don't use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.

230,403

Actual Critic Armani blazer: 20k Gucci shoes: 15k Tag Heuer watch: 50k Friend meets you and says "Looking Idiot" - Priceless

230,404

why didn't the cannibal want to be late to dinner? Because he didn't want to get the cold shoulder.

230,405

The local pedophile claims he got a perfect score on his SAT back in the day. Said it was as easy as giving candy to a baby.

230,406

what's that lassie? "Bark" Timmy's in a well? "Bark" and he's jerkin it? "Bark" he's looking at what?! "Bark" dude I've heard enough

230,407

What do you call Hitler in the water? Adolfin. Stolen from /u/NightRedditor423

230,408

Remember that someone out there is thinking of you right now, figuring out how to make your death look like an accident.

230,409

My friend is addicted to Time-Travelling But he reckons he can stop at any time.

230,410

What is a lesbians favorite day of the week? Tuesday

230,411

If I'd had a nickel for every time I've been financially irresponsible... I'd probably still be in debt right now.

230,412

Twitter takes me places I've never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.

230,413

How did Mary fall off the swing? She had no arms

230,414

I saw santa fucking my mom. To get back at him i decided to poison his cookies. Somehow the bastard found out and killed my dad.

230,415

A man is making moonshine. But the machine isn't working. He goes to see his friend Gino. Gino looks at the machine and says "That's cause it's a still!"

230,416

Two cannibals are sitting around eating dinner. One begins to complain to the other, "You know, I really don't like my mother in law." "Then just eat the noodles."

230,417

Why doesn't money bring happiness? Because if you have a billion dollars, almost anyone will be a bitch.

230,418

Black Lives Matter. Of course they do. How else would we keep score?

230,419

I remember when a minimum wage job was a stepping stone, not a career.

230,420

I used to be in a band called The Prevention We hoped people would say we were better than The Cure.

230,421

I went all around town looking for an optometrist's office when, at long last, I found one. It was a site for sore eyes.

230,422

They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he's black.

230,423

What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass? A mechanic.

230,424

If bars can say no to drunk people why won't McDonalds say no to fat people?

230,425

Remember when you thought if you accidentally swallowed apple seeds, a tree would grow in your belly? God I miss my 'Thirties'....

230,426

A Mexican plays uno, And steals all the green cards..

230,427

What goes up and never comes down in college your debt

230,428

In Newcastle, England many people don't like to live above the seventh floor in a tower block They have a fear of Eights

230,429

Life is like a box of chocolates It ends sooner for fat people.

230,430

There are two goldfishes in a bowl. There are two goldfishes in a fish bowl. One says to the other, "Trevor, why do the humans think us fish are stupid?" Trevor says, "Sorry, who are you again?"

230,431

Coconut oil on my dry skin this winter has made me attractive to women. Problem is the chocolate from the Mounds bars is ruining my clothes.

230,432

Old joke, now with new offensive punchline. My grandfather died at Auschwitz. He had a heart attack while raping a 12 year old Jewish girl.

230,433

"If all your friends jumped" 'Yes' "But if they" 'Yes' "But" 'IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I'M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?

230,434

Imagine if things had been reversed. We'd be eating Lou Gehrig candy bars and getting Babe Ruth's disease.

230,435

Did you hear about the shooting at the blind school? They never saw it coming.

230,436

Childbirth Around 0AD childbirth was fraught with danger, but luckily for Jesus he was born in a stable condition

230,437

Where does the midget pizza chef with epilepsy work? Little seizures

230,438

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

230,439

Do people who use handkerchiefs know they don't have to hang on to the things that come out of their nose?

230,440

Why does Beyonce say "to the left, to the left"? Because black people have no rights.

230,441

A man walks up to the counter at the airport. "Can I help you?" asks the agent. "I want a round trip ticket" says the man. "Where to?" asks the agent. "Right back to here."

230,442

What did Captain Kirk find at the end of the rainbow? a LepreKHAAAAAAN!

230,443

PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now

230,444

Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for 10 mins and come out wrinkle free and 2 sizes smaller...

230,445

How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? None, because they can't climb the social ladder.

230,446

Definition of a Masochist... *Definition of a Masochist:* ***"Beat me! Beat me!"*** *Definition of a Sadist:* ***"No!"***

230,447

Why do soccer players not play in the rain? It makes their makeup run.

230,448

BREAKING NEWS Ne ws

230,449

What Roman dictator suffered from Epilepsy? Julius Seizure.

230,450

What is the difference between a Snowman and a Snow-woman? Snowballs.

230,451

Why do liberal courts don't work? Because they don't like to judge anyone.

230,452

I applied to Hogwarts the a few weeks back. Unfortunately, I didn't get accepted. Figured I could just Slytherin.

230,453

Why do Black people prefer big asses? Because they have a bigger machine to ride ( )

230,454

I'm not racist! I have like 3 friends! And five of them are black.

230,455

[day 1] hello, world [day 2] bit less wobbly today [day 7] making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho [day 26] turns out i'm a hippo

230,456

This father says to his son, "Stop playing with yourself you'll go blind." The son says, "I'm over here, dad."

230,457

wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok? me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on! wife:9, you're in charge

230,458

What is a penguin? A swallow that kept eating after 6pm.

230,459

What hood was the Swedish cholo from? StockHOLMES!

230,460

How do gay people float? Flambuoyancy.

230,461

How do French girls hold their liquor? By the ears

230,462

Why did the French fry call the police? Because it was a(salt)ted.

230,463

It's like my Uncle said, no body, no crime Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was...

230,464

I don't know how to spell Armaggedon But who cares - it's not the end of the world!

230,465

A guy who wears a ring is always a dealbreaker. If it's on his ring finger, he's married. If it's not, he's a guy who wears rings.

230,466

i bet today is the most confusing day in harlem!

230,467

Soviet Monopoly "Go to gulag! Go directly to gulag! Do not pass go, do not collect food stamps and vodkac

230,468

Why hasn't Kim Kardashian seen her asshole lately? He's on tour.

230,469

Homeless girl I asked a pretty, young, Homeless woman if I could take her home, and she said yes with a big smile. The look on her face soon changed when I walked off with her cardboard box.

230,470

Man escapes from insane asylum, and has sex with a girl in a laundry mat. The newspaper the next day reads: "Nut screws washers and bolts." Edit: Error in title: laundromat*.

230,471

Had my son's hearing tested because he's always yelling. Turns out he's just an asshole :(

230,472

Why are Jews so rich? They are always looking for prophets.

230,473

Why couldn't the rabbit fly home for Easter? He didn't have the hare fare.

230,474

You should really eat more turnips. They're really healthy Turnip, for what?

230,475

When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don't move, it can't see me.

230,476

What's a space pirate's favorite planet? mArrrs!

230,477

What was left after the explosion at a French cheese factory Des Brie

230,478

What is Forrest Gump's computer password? 1forrest1

230,479

Think about something positive! What's the first thing that comes to your mind? My HIV test.

230,480

[God creating hairless cats] How about some foreskin with night vision.

230,481

"I wanna know who is responsible for this!" nn-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.

230,482

Someone figured out my password. Now I have to rename my dog.

230,483

First they came for the Fight Club members, but I said nothing, because...you know...rules.

230,484

Guy: Can I buy you a drink? Girl: Sorry, but alcohol is bad for my legs. Guy: Do they swell? Girl: No. They spread

230,485

What does the man say when he walks into the bar? "Can I please get a drink?"

230,486

Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet 4yo: Me: ....... 4yo:......... Me : 4yo : but I don't have any other feet Me : fair enough --__--

230,487

Me to waitress: "Do you have frog legs?" Her response: "Yes.." Me: "Then hop on back to the kitchen and get me a steak"

230,488

Do you think you'd make a good sniper? [ ] Yes [ ] No

230,489

What do you call a room full of men watching the Super Bowl on a big screen TV? The Patriots

230,490

My wife and I were discussing people owning weird animals... and she said, "I've always wanted to get a manatee." I said, "That's very kind of you. I will take it with two sugars."

230,491

I've got a problem with people who are into BDSM I just want to strangle them.

230,492

When bae starts to age... She turns beige.

230,493

Angry Stair Why was the stair frustrated and angry? It was tired of being stepped on by everyone!

230,494

Why do they put cotton in pill bottles? To remind black people they were slaves before they became drug dealers.

230,495

What is the difference between a duck? One leg is both the same.

230,496

Doctor doctor my baby's swallowed a watch! Give it some Epsom Salts: that should help it pass the time.

230,497

Baby, I hope you are an ISO file cuz I wanna mount you.

230,498

Which drink makes a Gorilla feel tipsy? An ape-ricot sour!

230,499

"Pika pika pika!" [translated] "I'm sorry, children. Your father was stolen by a Pokemon trainer who has to beat a child named Gary."

230,500

You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.