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230,301 | THERAPIST: What's the problem with your marriage? WIFE: He replaces words with animal names just to annoy me ME: I don't do it on porpoise |
230,302 | What's the best part of a race riot All of the free sports jerseys |
230,303 | Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do? |
230,304 | Ladies, don't waste your time picking up guys at Chuck E Cheese. Apparently they have a "family" & a "wife" & I'm "ruining their dinner." |
230,305 | What is the difference between jelly and jam? I can't jelly my dick in your mouth. |
230,306 | Why doesn't Texas float away into the Gulf of Mexico? Because Oklahoma sucks. |
230,307 | How did the programmer celebrate his birthday? var celebration = ["Hip", "Hip"]; |
230,308 | What is the greatest dilemma for a Jewish mother? She learns her son is gay, but he's dating a doctor. |
230,309 | What ship breaks dangerous ice flows in the Arctic? The Titanic. |
230,310 | I just made up a joke. Knock knock... Who's there? A mister. A mister who? A mister rains down in Africa. ... works better if you say it out loud. |
230,311 | You know what's the biggest turn off for me? Consent. |
230,312 | There are two things I don't like about you Your chin. |
230,313 | Why don't amateur pornstars use big words? Because they're all laymen. |
230,314 | What did the Mexican say when his roof fell on him? Get off me Holmes! |
230,315 | Q)What will you call a person who sleeps next to a close relative? A) NapKin |
230,316 | How does Twitch (Streaming Site) Chat make money? Kappatalism! |
230,317 | What dog do other dogs tell their problems to? A complaint Bernard! |
230,318 | Why don't Black people like to go on cruises? ... Because they're not falling for that one again. |
230,319 | At first I couldn't get used to all the plants in my living room... But I think I started growing into it. |
230,320 | How many X does it take to lightbulb? Karma? |
230,321 | Dear Apple, Sorry to hear that you're still figuring out how cell phones work. |
230,322 | What do you call a Communist Mexican? A Gaucho Marxist |
230,323 | Teacher: Who was the first woman on earth? Fred: I don't know Sir. Teacher: Come on Fred it has something to do with an apple. Fred: Granny Smith? |
230,324 | "I'm soooo tired!" [lays down in bed] "I'm soooo comfortable!" Bladder: Sup bro |
230,325 | Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in. "What is this? It tastes like hair," said one ungrateful child. |
230,326 | Q: How do you make any watch a stopwatch? A: Don't wind it. |
230,327 | Toy Story has resulted in me not being able to throw away my childhood toys in case they get depressed and want to kill themselves. |
230,328 | What do straight guys and lesbians have in common? They both like girls |
230,329 | In what direction do five gay guys walk? One Direction |
230,330 | Why are fish boots the warmest ones to wear ? Because they have electric 'eels ! |
230,331 | Why is Santa always so jolly? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live. |
230,332 | An Imperial Roman soldier was wounded on the battlefield. His life was saved when he was time traveled to the modern world to be hooked up to an IV. He asked, "What is that for?" |
230,333 | I'm even late for work when I work from home |
230,334 | Have you guys heard about that singer that does radical maneuvers while performing? Skate Perry |
230,335 | I wanted to make a joke about a bridge but I thought I might need to build the suspense first |
230,336 | THERAPIST: what's the problem? WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me ME: I don't do it on porpoise |
230,337 | A redditor walks into a bar... "All of our servers are busy right now. Try again later." |
230,338 | My British girlfriend was complaining about her period again I told her to stop being such a bloody cunt. |
230,339 | I got received an e-mail from my Buddhist friend... ...it was free from attachments. |
230,340 | What sort of an act do you do? I bend over backwards and pick up a handkerchief with my teeth. Anything else? Then I bend over backwards and pick up my teeth. |
230,341 | My cross fit application was was rejected Bad form |
230,342 | What do you call pickled bread? Dill Dough |
230,343 | What's got 90 balls and screws old women? BINGO! |
230,344 | My love is like a candle... Because if you forget about me I will burn your fucking house to the ground. |
230,345 | I'm not very good at building fences Sorry, I don't know where to put this post. |
230,346 | Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Because your face is UUUUUUGLY! |
230,347 | What idiot called it a rattlesnake's warning rattle and not a cautionary tail? |
230,348 | My son told me a girl was yelling at him and he just sat there wondering what he did wrong. Imagine, at 9, being so ready for marriage. |
230,349 | To the guy who invented Zero: Thanks for nothing! |
230,350 | Hungary's goalkeeper Gabor Kiraly's sweatpants are looking so sexy that you can go to second round with them. |
230,351 | what do you call 4 mexicans in a sinking boat? quatro cinqo ^im sorry |
230,352 | X is An Independent Variable That don't need no Y. |
230,353 | Hubs: You didn't do anything today did you? Me: I did the dishes. Hubs: There was only one. Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy? |
230,354 | What type of tea do babies drink? Tit tea |
230,355 | Hey, remember when AT&T told you to "reach out and touch someone" and you ended up with that restraining order? Good times! |
230,356 | The last time I saw my friend Peter he was counting. "75, 76, 77..." he said, as he began to walk away. I don't know what he's up to now. |
230,357 | Why was the racehorse named Bad News? Because bad news travels fast! |
230,358 | [movie theater] TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go.....to protect what he loves ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet |
230,359 | you really have to admire brits who voted to leave They were so worried about immigrants ruining their economy than they preempted it by doing it themselves. |
230,360 | NASA's JUNO Probe finally reached Jupiter after ~5 year journey exactly halfway to its journey to Uranus. |
230,361 | What's the difference between golf and Lady Godiva? One is a hunt on a course. |
230,362 | Why did the dad make the joke? For the pun of it. |
230,363 | What do you call a laughing labradoodle? A snickerdoodle. |
230,364 | You know why half a joke isn't funny? |
230,365 | What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea? I wouldn't pay to have a garbanzo bean on my face. |
230,366 | How many Jihadists does it take to change a light bulb? Allah them. (I googled several varations and thus far I believe I am the originator) |
230,367 | 50 cent is so bankrupt... that he might be livin' on the streets in a lil' biiit! |
230,368 | I said to my classmate, "You are at the top of the bell curve!" He responded, "I don't know what that means!" |
230,369 | Any ship can be a minesweeper once... |
230,370 | How to you call midget intercourse ? Microtransaction |
230,371 | What did fish on the kitchen bench say to the other fish? Long time no sea. |
230,372 | Where do you get a drink on Excel? ....Formula bar |
230,373 | Why was 10 afraid of 7? Because 7 8 9. |
230,374 | A small plane crashed into a cemetery... the forensics found no survivors. They have found 268 bodies by sunset. They will continue searching tomorrow morning... |
230,375 | Wives are like grenades... Remove the ring and boom, house is gone! |
230,376 | What did the aardvark say to Noah? What do you mean you only brought two ants!? |
230,377 | Where does dubious pasta come from? The spaghetto. I can't take all the credit, however: I heard the word from [this](http://www.reddit.com/r/funny/comments/xdp4k/the_gaydar/c5lnkep) guy |
230,378 | A sick Patient Patient: Doctor, I have a pain in my eye whenever I drink tea. Doctor: Take the spoon out of the mug before you drink. |
230,379 | Why did Hellen Keller's dog run away? You would too if your name was *ahruaergtw* |
230,380 | What is Grammar? The difference between knowing your shit, and knowing you're shit. |
230,381 | *donates body to science* Science: "I have a boyfriend" |
230,382 | I just caught an alien maturbating in my freezer. He looked up at me and said, "I cum in peas" |
230,383 | What's the best way to stop a runaway horse? Bet on it. |
230,384 | Our dog runs away so much, I'm just going to spray paint our phone number on her side. |
230,385 | I kid you not. -Condom wearers |
230,386 | How do depressed people lighten' up? They drink bleach. |
230,387 | Why did the lifeguard save the hippie? Because he was too far out. |
230,388 | Kid Rock now endorses Donald Trump "#Make America Up Jump the Boogie Again!!" |
230,389 | What's the difference between a terrorist training camp and an orphanage? Terrorists blow them selves up at camp on accident |
230,390 | What happened when hitler fell off his skateboard, and the wound got infected? He said "now I have to cleanse my germy knee" |
230,391 | Actors retweeting compliments is the modern day version of actors murdering hookers. |
230,392 | What's the difference between Feminism and Islam One is a woman led group that aims to beat the patriarchy. The other is a patriarchy that aims to beat women. |
230,393 | Ever hear about the worst international trade deal ever? It was tarifful... |
230,394 | What do Princess Di's coffin and a Queen Bee have in common? They're both filled with Royal Jelly. |
230,395 | I really identify with the trans movement... For the first 9 months of my life, I was a man trapped in a woman's body! |
230,396 | I figured out how to talk to girls Just walk up to them and press A. |
230,397 | Scientists discovered that gayness goes back to the Jurrassic Period, there were even gay dinosaurs.... the gay male dinosaur was the Humpasauras and the gay female dinosaur was the Lickalottapus |
230,398 | If Dracula was gay... ...he'd be a fruit bat. |
230,399 | Ray Rice should start his own line of elevator music. He could call it "Elevator Beats". |
230,400 | [landlord showing new tenant around] "No smoking allowed" "How about pets?" "That's fine" [dog walks in and lights up] "We'll take it" |
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