ysharma/short_jokes · Datasets at Hugging Face

ID int64 1 232k	Joke stringlengths 10 200
1,601	I always study the vagina before sex Because I like to know what I'm getting myself into
1,602	What's the difference between the ISIS headquarters and a kindergarten? I don't know, I just fly the drone.
1,603	Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
1,604	Adrian Veidt's wife walks into his bedroom and finds him with another woman. As she approaches him with angry tears, he says "I did it 35 minutes ago."
1,605	A: You look nice today, is that a new shirt and haircut? B: I masturbated yesterday, So I had to clean up afterwards. And one thing lead to another. Hair trimming included.
1,606	4-year-old: Tell me a scary story! Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions. 4: Why?
1,607	What do you call a queue of boxers? A punchline.
1,608	I'll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I'm eating on Instagram.
1,609	[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank] Why do you think people hate us so much? "Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks."
1,610	I once tried to write a book about my thoughts But there's only so much you can put in a suicide note.
1,611	I'm 36 but have the body an 18-year-old The police are pretty upset about it.
1,612	What beer does Sean Connery drink? Grols
1,613	If Tom Brady joined Nickelback... They'd become 30 cents.
1,614	A Stormtrooper went golfing today He's still on the first hole.
1,615	I could be subtweeting my cat for all you know. Calm down.
1,616	Today my boss will learn that I am nowhere near mature enough to be left alone with a label maker.
1,617	What's the difference between a feminist and a dentist's drill? One causes a lot of pain and makes a constant high pitched whine. The other is a useful piece of medical equipment.
1,618	What game do old black people play? Blingo!
1,619	A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
1,620	Making the arrangements for my wife's funeral is tough She keeps asking what I'm doing
1,621	I was on a date. "How many ladies have you slept with?" she said. I said, "Do you want me to round it to the nearest 10?" She raised her eyebrows and said, "OK..." I said, "Zero."
1,622	I think God created marriage so death wouldn't come as such a disappointment.
1,623	Can I tell you a joke? Your bum broke! hahaha! We loved this lame-ass joke as kids
1,624	I painted my PC black hoping it would run faster but now it doesn't work at all.
1,625	Whats the difference between jam and jelly? I can't jelly my dick down your throat.
1,626	My friend didn't understand my poorly timed holocaust joke. So he asks me, "What's a holocaust?" And I reply "Oh, about eleven million"
1,627	.5% of life is spent with accidental throat bubble Kermit voice.
1,628	So all about these girls killing folks because of slenderman..... I guess you could say, they were a victim of anorexic culture
1,629	Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants? Because he had a hole in one.
1,630	Whenever I have a bad day,,, I just remind myself that there are people out there who have their ex's name tattooed on their body
1,631	All things in moderation. Unless no one's looking.
1,632	I still believe in love. But I also believe in sasquatch, nessy, and that I could win the lottery. So there's that....
1,633	How many cops does it take to change a light bulb? They don't, they just shoot the room for being black. I guess you could say that was dark humor? ;)
1,634	I'm in the middle of hanging myself. The suspense is killing me.
1,635	a dude sitting next to me in the ER asked how to spell ankle & then correctly identified Rush Hour by a scene without jchan or chris tucker
1,636	What's the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean? [NSFW] You don't pay $200 to have a garbanzo on your face
1,637	Did you hear about the production delays at that company that makes scales using lengthy pipes? They had really long weights.
1,638	Are you Finished? [X-post from Funny] Its a joke/comic thing. This is it--> http://imgur.com/GskWG
1,639	Me: Buys nutribullet will this baby take down a vegan? Cashier: No, it's not an actual bu... Me: loads nutrigun Cashier: What the heck?
1,640	You hear the joke about the frenzied mob? It's a riot.
1,641	Why did Beethoven never answer the doorbell? They weren't invented yet.
1,642	What's brown and sticky? Anal.
1,643	Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
1,644	My favorite book to read on the toilet is "The Shining." It scares the shit outta me.
1,645	A friend of ours is practicing baking apple pies. She brings them over to our house and later asks us how we liked it. I tell her "You need more practice."
1,646	Another "Priceless" joke. Vodka 19.99. Motel room 64.99. Condoms 9.99. Finding out she swallows and likes it in the ass? Priceless! Fuck Mastercard, it pays to Discover
1,647	I know a hooker downtown that charges by the inch. I can't afford her, but you probably could. (one-liner from the old guy that delivers stock to my work.)
1,648	How does Peter Pan fly? If someone hit you in the Peter with a Pan, you'd fly too.
1,649	What's the difference between David Blaine and the NRA? The former has a cunning array of stunts
1,650	People say there is power in numbers. Say that to 6 million jews. -Jimmy carr
1,651	Why was Cinderella thrown off the basketball team? She ran away from the ball.
1,652	Heroin really messed up my household... All the spoons are missing.
1,653	What sits in the middle of the world wide web ? A very very big spider !
1,654	What's long and hard on a black guy? The first grade
1,655	Who plays center forward for the vampire football team? The ghoulscorer.
1,656	Why were the sneakers so sad? Because they had ten issues.
1,657	My nutritionist said that instead of eating three big cheeseburgers I should have multiple, smaller cheeseburgers throughout the day
1,658	My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven. I laughed. ... She stared at me until I paid her.
1,659	I weighed myself today, then I ate the scale.
1,660	What do you call a dead baby ,who fights crime? Miscarriage of Justice
1,661	'No you can't have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.' -Moms
1,662	The difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.
1,663	I think the problem is that I'm 20% stud and 80% muffin.
1,664	They said "orange is the new black"... ...but I didn't realise they meant Trump would replace Obama.
1,665	I have but one question Why did curiousity kill the cat?
1,666	Please make sure "to" put your air quotes around the right words
1,667	40% of North American teens can't even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
1,668	Hitting on women at this PTA meeting would probably be easier if I actually had a kid at this school.
1,669	A vegan, feminist, and a crossfitter walk into a bar... I know because they told everyone in twenty minutes.
1,670	Patron: This bread is stale. Waiter: It wasn't last week.
1,671	I once met a girl with twelve boobs. Sounds fake, dozen tit?
1,672	My new year's resolution is to stop procrastinating. . . I'm gonna start tomorrow
1,673	I bought some vinyl cleaner, just for the record.
1,674	The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
1,675	For an "adult" bookstore, this place has a LOT of picture books
1,676	TIL it costs more money to make a penny than how much it's worth That makes very little cents
1,677	I like my women like I like my programming languages. Visual and basic
1,678	My girlfriend said we should experiment more in the bedroom. This morning we synthesised a new protein chain.
1,679	What do you call a group of Mexicans smoking weed? Baked beans
1,680	Why does the corn get mad at the farmer? Because he is always pulling on his ears.
1,681	What's a toads favourite sweet ? Lollihops !
1,682	Confucius say . . . . Man who wrong on elevator, wrong on many levels.
1,683	How do you make rape funny? You force it
1,684	My wife was raped by a mime He preformed unspeakable acts on her
1,685	What will the "Red Hot Chili Peppers" become when they die? Ghost Peppers.
1,686	Dr: it looks like you've contracted sumatta Me: what is that? Dr: what is what? Me: sumatta Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
1,687	It was my son's birthday, so I took 4 of his mates for a burger and then bowling. They had a great time, he would have loved it
1,688	I used to have a phone with a really good user interface... ...but someone swiped it.
1,689	How do you drown a polar bear? Cut a hole in the ice. Put a line of peas around the hole. When the polar bear takes a pea, kick him in the ice hole.
1,690	Saw a girl with 12 nipples today. Sounds crazy, dozen tit?
1,691	People that say "God never gives you more than you can handle" never met my ex-girlfriend.
1,692	You know how when you're in high school and you get "senioritis" and your brain shuts down? When does it come back on?
1,693	I told a joke about noble gasses the other day. There was no reaction.
1,694	What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? A stick!
1,695	Boy: Our Principal So Stupid Girl:Don't You Know Who i am? Boy: No Girl: I'm The Principal's Daughet. Boy: Do You Know Who i am? Boy: Good (Walks Away)
1,696	He used to be Hand Solo Then he gave Leia the D.
1,697	During the Vietnam War, Chuck Norris allowed himself to be captured. For torture, they made him eat his own entrails. He asked for seconds.
1,698	I'm not on the Atkins Diet. I'm on the Rowan Atkinson Diet... It's all BEANS!!
1,699	What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? A stick.
1,700	What is up with 1, 3, 5, 7, 9? ...I can't even...

1,601

I always study the vagina before sex Because I like to know what I'm getting myself into

1,602

What's the difference between the ISIS headquarters and a kindergarten? I don't know, I just fly the drone.

1,603

Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.

1,604

Adrian Veidt's wife walks into his bedroom and finds him with another woman. As she approaches him with angry tears, he says "I did it 35 minutes ago."

1,605

A: You look nice today, is that a new shirt and haircut? B: I masturbated yesterday, So I had to clean up afterwards. And one thing lead to another. Hair trimming included.

1,606

4-year-old: Tell me a scary story! Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions. 4: Why?

1,607

What do you call a queue of boxers? A punchline.

1,608

I'll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I'm eating on Instagram.

1,609

[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank] Why do you think people hate us so much? "Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks."

1,610

I once tried to write a book about my thoughts But there's only so much you can put in a suicide note.

1,611

I'm 36 but have the body an 18-year-old The police are pretty upset about it.

1,612

What beer does Sean Connery drink? Grols

1,613

If Tom Brady joined Nickelback... They'd become 30 cents.

1,614

A Stormtrooper went golfing today He's still on the first hole.

1,615

I could be subtweeting my cat for all you know. Calm down.

1,616

Today my boss will learn that I am nowhere near mature enough to be left alone with a label maker.

1,617

What's the difference between a feminist and a dentist's drill? One causes a lot of pain and makes a constant high pitched whine. The other is a useful piece of medical equipment.

1,618

What game do old black people play? Blingo!

1,619

A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.

1,620

Making the arrangements for my wife's funeral is tough She keeps asking what I'm doing

1,621

I was on a date. "How many ladies have you slept with?" she said. I said, "Do you want me to round it to the nearest 10?" She raised her eyebrows and said, "OK..." I said, "Zero."

1,622

I think God created marriage so death wouldn't come as such a disappointment.

1,623

Can I tell you a joke? Your bum broke! hahaha! We loved this lame-ass joke as kids

1,624

I painted my PC black hoping it would run faster but now it doesn't work at all.

1,625

Whats the difference between jam and jelly? I can't jelly my dick down your throat.

1,626

My friend didn't understand my poorly timed holocaust joke. So he asks me, "What's a holocaust?" And I reply "Oh, about eleven million"

1,627

.5% of life is spent with accidental throat bubble Kermit voice.

1,628

So all about these girls killing folks because of slenderman..... I guess you could say, they were a victim of anorexic culture

1,629

Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants? Because he had a hole in one.

1,630

Whenever I have a bad day,,, I just remind myself that there are people out there who have their ex's name tattooed on their body

1,631

All things in moderation. Unless no one's looking.

1,632

I still believe in love. But I also believe in sasquatch, nessy, and that I could win the lottery. So there's that....

1,633

How many cops does it take to change a light bulb? They don't, they just shoot the room for being black. I guess you could say that was dark humor? ;)

1,634

I'm in the middle of hanging myself. The suspense is killing me.

1,635

a dude sitting next to me in the ER asked how to spell ankle & then correctly identified Rush Hour by a scene without jchan or chris tucker

1,636

What's the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean? [NSFW] You don't pay $200 to have a garbanzo on your face

1,637

Did you hear about the production delays at that company that makes scales using lengthy pipes? They had really long weights.

1,638

Are you Finished? [X-post from Funny] Its a joke/comic thing. This is it--> http://imgur.com/GskWG

1,639

Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan? Cashier: No, it's not an actual bu... Me: *loads nutrigun* Cashier: What the heck?

1,640

You hear the joke about the frenzied mob? It's a riot.

1,641

Why did Beethoven never answer the doorbell? They weren't invented yet.

1,642

What's brown and sticky? Anal.

1,643

Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.

1,644

My favorite book to read on the toilet is "The Shining." It scares the shit outta me.

1,645

A friend of ours is practicing baking apple pies. She brings them over to our house and later asks us how we liked it. I tell her "You need more practice."

1,646

Another "Priceless" joke. Vodka 19.99. Motel room 64.99. Condoms 9.99. Finding out she swallows and likes it in the ass? Priceless! Fuck Mastercard, it pays to Discover

1,647

I know a hooker downtown that charges by the inch. I can't afford her, but you probably could. *(one-liner from the old guy that delivers stock to my work.)*

1,648

How does Peter Pan fly? If someone hit you in the Peter with a Pan, you'd fly too.

1,649

What's the difference between David Blaine and the NRA? The former has a cunning array of stunts

1,650

People say there is power in numbers. Say that to 6 million jews. -Jimmy carr

1,651

Why was Cinderella thrown off the basketball team? She ran away from the ball.

1,652

Heroin really messed up my household... All the spoons are missing.

1,653

What sits in the middle of the world wide web ? A very very big spider !

1,654

What's long and hard on a black guy? The first grade

1,655

Who plays center forward for the vampire football team? The ghoulscorer.

1,656

Why were the sneakers so sad? Because they had ten issues.

1,657

My nutritionist said that instead of eating three big cheeseburgers I should have multiple, smaller cheeseburgers throughout the day

1,658

My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven. I laughed. ... She stared at me until I paid her.

1,659

I weighed myself today, then I ate the scale.

1,660

What do you call a dead baby ,who fights crime? Miscarriage of Justice

1,661

'No you can't have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.' -Moms

1,662

The difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.

1,663

I think the problem is that I'm 20% stud and 80% muffin.

1,664

They said "orange is the new black"... ...but I didn't realise they meant Trump would replace Obama.

1,665

I have but one question Why did curiousity kill the cat?

1,666

Please make sure "to" put your air quotes around the right words

1,667

40% of North American teens can't even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant

1,668

Hitting on women at this PTA meeting would probably be easier if I actually had a kid at this school.

1,669

A vegan, feminist, and a crossfitter walk into a bar... I know because they told everyone in twenty minutes.

1,670

Patron: This bread is stale. Waiter: It wasn't last week.

1,671

I once met a girl with twelve boobs. Sounds fake, dozen tit?

1,672

My new year's resolution is to stop procrastinating. . . I'm gonna start tomorrow

1,673

I bought some vinyl cleaner, just for the record.

1,674

The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.

1,675

For an "adult" bookstore, this place has a LOT of picture books

1,676

TIL it costs more money to make a penny than how much it's worth That makes very little cents

1,677

I like my women like I like my programming languages. Visual and basic

1,678

My girlfriend said we should experiment more in the bedroom. This morning we synthesised a new protein chain.

1,679

What do you call a group of Mexicans smoking weed? Baked beans

1,680

Why does the corn get mad at the farmer? Because he is always pulling on his ears.

1,681

What's a toads favourite sweet ? Lollihops !

1,682

Confucius say . . . . Man who wrong on elevator, wrong on many levels.

1,683

How do you make rape funny? You force it

1,684

My wife was raped by a mime He preformed unspeakable acts on her

1,685

What will the "Red Hot Chili Peppers" become when they die? Ghost Peppers.

1,686

Dr: it looks like you've contracted sumatta Me: what is that? Dr: what is what? Me: sumatta Dr [grits teeth]: say it together

1,687

It was my son's birthday, so I took 4 of his mates for a burger and then bowling. They had a great time, he would have loved it

1,688

I used to have a phone with a really good user interface... ...but someone swiped it.

1,689

How do you drown a polar bear? Cut a hole in the ice. Put a line of peas around the hole. When the polar bear takes a pea, kick him in the ice hole.

1,690

Saw a girl with 12 nipples today. Sounds crazy, dozen tit?

1,691

People that say "God never gives you more than you can handle" never met my ex-girlfriend.

1,692

You know how when you're in high school and you get "senioritis" and your brain shuts down? When does it come back on?

1,693

I told a joke about noble gasses the other day. There was no reaction.

1,694

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? A stick!

1,695

Boy: Our Principal So Stupid Girl:Don't You Know Who i am? Boy: No Girl: I'm The Principal's Daughet. Boy: Do You Know Who i am? Boy: Good (Walks Away)

1,696

He used to be Hand Solo Then he gave Leia the D.

1,697

During the Vietnam War, Chuck Norris allowed himself to be captured. For torture, they made him eat his own entrails. He asked for seconds.

1,698

I'm not on the Atkins Diet. I'm on the Rowan Atkinson Diet... It's all BEANS!!

1,699

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? A stick.

1,700

What is up with 1, 3, 5, 7, 9? ...I can't even...